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Friday, September 30, 2016

I've read tons of posts in the blogosphere about gratitude. It's obvious that most of us are thankful for the same things----our families, friends, pets, health, jobs, homes, etc. But what about the little things that we often take for granted? Our lives are made easier by technology----so much so, that we often forget the small things that contribute to our daily comfort.

Some of the "little" things I'm grateful for (and that I'm convinced I couldn't live without) include:

1. Double rolled toilet paper sold in bulk packaging.

2. Duct tape. It fixes EVERYTHING.

3. Nibble calories that don't count, especially at Costco when they hand out free food samples.

4. Plug-in air fresheners for the car to deter man sweat and the ghosts of old farts.

5. Dri-FIT wicking underwear that prevents chafing at the gym. Nobody wants to explain why there's a rash on their crotch.

6. Cheese. It's the international language of love.

7. Stretch pants. 'Nuff said.

8. Undereye concealer, especially after a long night of playing "Name That Tune" with Mr. Insomnia.

9. Bug repellent. My only defense against blood-sucking mosquitoes and the Zika Virus. No worries---I'm too old to get pregnant with anything other than a food baby.

10. Hair dye. It conceals all the grays my children have given me. I've already gone through more rainbow colors than a packet of Skittles.

11. Wine....my bottle of liquid relaxation after a stressful day.

12. Floss. The tight spaces between my teeth are like mini storage compartments. I could live off the trapped food particles in my mouth for a month if I didn't floss regularly.

13. Deodorant. Especially when I'm standing in a long line at Disney World and it's 90 degrees outside.

14. Air conditioning. I live in south Florida, which means the A/C pretty much runs all year long, especially since I'm menopausal.

15. Naps. Now that I'm older, my priorities have changed. Naps are at the top of my list, followed by food, Netflix and sex....specifically in that order.

16. Chocolate, because it makes the world go 'round....and it's cheaper than Prozac.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

3 iPhone Monitoring Apps and
Gadgets for Work-From-Home Parents

As more people are
resorting
to work from home (to achieve a better balance in their lives; to
be more efficient; to stay away from office grapevine and so on),
it’s time for those who are planning to switch to switch to know
the real benefit ad cost of doing so. Undoubtedly, there are way too
many hacks available to get a corporate look for your work-from-home
business nowadays. However, it’s not rainbows and butterflies
working from home. Your employees are scattered everywhere, while you
continually strive to keep stringent check on their productivity. It
gets worse when your kids come to you whining and crying with tears
in their eyes for sibling fights. For all those who say work from
home is easy, ask those who have been there through the plight of
monitoring their employees and kids.

But with the
aggrandizement of technology, monitoring
techniques are also getting better. The most widely growing form
of monitoring tools is smartphone monitoring nowadays. This simple
app can be installed on a device which then uploads phone logs, GPS
location, device usage details, and so on, depending on the intricacy
and functionality of an app; users can access those uploaded logs
from an online control. Then, there are GPS tracking devices that can
determine real time location of an individual. If you have been
really struggling keeping tabs on too many things, and if you want to
focus entirely on your work, check out these three different
monitoring apps and devices that can automate much of the monitoring
part.

XNSPY (for
employees and kids)

This app is affordable
and keeps a strong check on your employees and kids’ digital
devices. According to Melissa Joe, who is the digital marketing head
at xnspy.com, the app provides those details to the business owners
about their employees that traditional surveillance tools can’t.

“We developed XNSPY
with just one thing in mind: to reduce the spillover effects of
mobile technology. Kids are obsessing over their iPhones, while
employees prefer to play Candy Crush Saga during their work hours.
XNSPY monitor how much time an individual spends with their
smartphones or tablets, and how they spend it. Not just that, the app
even provides access to all the necessary phone logs that could aid
supervision”, said Joe.

To understand the
aforementioned, we need to look at how XNSPY works; and for that,
let’s take a brief walkthrough of the app.

How It Works

To use XnSpy, you will be
required to subscribe. Once done with that, you will need to download
the app on the device you wish to monitor. The process is simple and
fast. With xnspy on your child or employee’s device, you will be
able to monitor phone logs, emails, and much more. Check out some of
the features of this app:

You can track
GPS location of the target user in real time. You can also view
location history logs and create geofences (see below). GPS tracking
is particularly important for monitoring your kids, as you can, in
the vicinity of your office desk, know where your kids have been
roaming. If you are a parent, you would know how important it is to
keep checks on your kids’ outdoor activities these days.

You can access
actuarial reports about monthly smartphone usage of your employees
and kids.

You can monitor
(chats, group chats, photos, videos) social media apps
like Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram, Line, Skype, Kik, iMessage,
and Tinder. Whether it’s Kids or employees, social media tracking
seems inevitable. As parents, you have to ensure that kids won’t
be sharing anything inappropriate on their social media accounts,
nor would they have unsolicited access to adult or pornographic
content.

You can remotely
control a device and includes commands for device locking, remote
screenshot, data erase and call recording.

You can also view
all call and SMS logs.

Pricing

To use XnSpy, you will be
required to subscribe to one of its packages. The basic package is
available for $8.33/month and the Premium starts from $12.49/month.

What if your child is too
young to carry around a smartphone? How you would ensure they are
doing fine? Securus eZoom is a location tracking device that you can
put in your child’s backpack to get details about their location.
You can also create geofences and set alerts for locations that may
be deemed inappropriate for their age. Instant alerts will help you
get notifications directly onto your smartphone when a child enters
or leaves geofenced zones.

How it works

Securus eZoom is a
physical device that is placed inside the school bag of your child to
monitor their location details. The device uses GPS and carrier
network to get precise location details. Securus eZoom weighs around
3 ounces and is just 2.3 inches tall. The outer body is tough and
water resistant and can easily withstand your kids’ torture.

The GPS tracking on the
device works in three different modes.

Continuous Mode:
The device will be updating your child’s location every 5
minutes. This is eZoom’s default tracking mode.

Track Mode:
With track mode, you will get updates on your child’s location
every 30 seconds.

On-demand Mode:
With this mode on, you will only get GPS details only
on-request.

The battery life on the
device depends on the mode that you are using it in. In On-demand
mode, the device can survive up to 21 days, while for other modes,
the battery life can fall considerably down to a day or two. There is
even an emergency button on the device that your kids can use to
alert you about a possible danger. If your teen drives, the eZoom can
also measure how fast they are driving and can even send alerts if
they are going above the speed limit set by you.

Pricing

The device itself is
available for $99, while there are additional one-time activation and
monthly subscription charges too. The device may cost you a lot but
it’s very helpful with tracking your child’s GPS location.

PocketFinder

If you find eZoom
inappropriately chunky and unsuitable, you can also go with
PocketFinder. This app is essentially similar to the aforementioned
tracking device, but the only difference is that it’s much smaller
so that your kids can conveniently carry it around in their pockets.

How it works

To use PocketFinder, the
device needs to stay with the person whose location you want to
monitor. The device can provide location tracking history of last 60
days which is quite impressive. For parents to access their kids’
location, PocketFinder has a smartphone app that works with all
android and iOS smartphones. Check out some of the features of this
app:

While PocketFinder or
Securus eZoom may be an excellent solution if your child doesn’t
carry a smartphone, Xnspy
iPhone monitoring app is undisputedly a better option, if they
do. You won’t be requiring to buy a tracking device as XNSPY can
use built-in GPS of a cell phone that your child or employee may be
using. Not just that, it can also be used to track social media
activity, phone logs and even for device management purpose.
Moreover, it’s cheaper than any other tracking devices and apps
available.

Are you a work-from-home
parent? Which tracking app/device would you go for?

Friday, September 23, 2016

Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, nine bloggers are inviting you into their homes for a peek at what you might see if you were a busy body fly buzzing around their house.

My family thinks I've lost my mind because I've spent the past month doing a belated but thorough spring cleaning job around the house. This is probably the first time in 10 years that I actually went through every single closet, drawer and shelf to clean out the clutter. What inspired me to do this? After my mother passed away, my family had to go through all of her things to clear out her house. It was not only emotionally challenging for us but also exhausting, because there was so much STUFF that none of us knew what to do with. The experience made me think of my own kids and all the junk they'd have to clear at of my home once I passed away. You see, I'm a pack rat who hangs onto everything: clothes worn back in the 90's (never mind that they were three sizes too small---I was certain I'd fit into them one day....uh-huh....right....), several year's worth of magazine subscriptions, kitchen tools still wrapped in plastic, hundreds of paperback books that I've already read (but thought I'd have the time to read again in the future---laughable, I know), piles of old papers, notes, cards, and various mementos from people I hardly remember.

Looking at 10 years of accumulated crap, I felt the sudden urge to purge all the unnecessary items taking up space in my home. "Minimize" became my favorite word (especially since I started watching nonstop episodes of "Tiny House, Big Living" on HGTV). I was a woman obsessed, and my husband steered clear as I filled garbage bag after garbage bag with junk. I'm talking at least 20 lawn-size plastic bags full of STUFF. Some of the items that were still in excellent condition were sold during a a rainy garage sale or donated to a charitable organization. Whatever was left went to the dump.

I feel cleansed of all my clutter impurities and free from the ghosts of 90's era clothing......and it feels GREAT. After all that hard work, it was time to hang out with family and have FUN. For this Fly On The Wall post, I don't have clever little snippets of conversation to share with you, but I DO have photographic evidence of Doyle Shenanigans that went on once the cleaning overhaul was complete:

Friday, September 16, 2016

I've had today's guest writer on my site numerous times because she's one of the funniest ladies I know and I absolutely ADORE her! Linda Roy is my sista from another mista, and I am incredibly fortunate to been able to spend oodles of time with her at the last two ERMA conventions in Ohio. Linda just so happens to be the one who came up with the subtitle to my Spandex book, and has since become the go-to gal for many other writers looking for clever titles for their books and blog posts. Not only is she a witty humorist but also an amazing musician! Check out her website, Linda Roy, and you'll see why I admire her so much.

Today Linda is sharing a funny post about her coffee addiction---something I'm sure most of us can relate to. Heck, I'm on my third cup already just while writing this blog! Please welcome her to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love. Enjoy!

Yes! My First World Problems Do Amount to a Hill of Beans

Coffee is a way of life. In fact, it IS life as far as I’m concerned.

I started drinking the stuff when I was ten, even though it came from a five-pound can of Folgers decidedly not-French roast, and was nothing more than sludgy water with milk. But it was my sludge of choice.

So as the years passed, I gradually edged closer toward my current coffee snob status with full enthusiasm. From the discovery of stovetop brewed Turkish coffee in college, to grinding my own beans from New York City’s Zabar’s coffee haven in my twenties, each new caffeinated discovery brought me closer to a deeper understanding of the religion of coffee and a oneness with the Goddess Caffeina.

So I was completely content with my Cuisinart coffee maker, when one day the husband came home extolling the virtues of the new and amazing coffee brewing technological advancement his client had just brewed him a cup of joe from. Claiming it was the hottest, most flavorful, aromatic coffee he’d ever tasted, I knew we had to get a piece of this action in order to realize true, hot beverage Nirvana.

This most coveted gift from the gods was called Keurig, a cup-at-a-time brewmeister that turned pre-filled K-cups of just about any flavor imaginable into the kind of beverage dreams are made of. From coffee to tea, hot chocolate to apple cider, I could be the envy of all who would bear witness to this revolutionary appliance holding court in my kitchen.

Something to brag about.

Boasting for the roasting.

We quickly secured one for ourselves and commenced the brewing of vast quantities of caffeinated bliss. So much bliss, that I swear I danced on the ceiling even without Lionel Ritchie streaming through my sound system.

Before Keurig, I had only thought my life was full. But I soon realized that wasn’t living...I had been going through the motions in black and white.

But now....NOW my life was filled to the brim. I was finally really living; in color. Colors were more vivid than I ever could have imagined, food tasted better, indeed the coffee did, and life was sweeter than ever before.

That is, until tragedy struck.

One morning not unlike any other, sliding my mug onto the brew platform and popping a coconut macadamia K-cup into the machine, I hit the “brew” button in sweet anticipation of being brought back to rapturous consciousness, when…

drip…
drip…
…drip.

This was not the usual full-on cascade of liquid gold, but a sad, hesitant fail.

I unplugged, replugged, and hit “brew” again. Nothing. No cascade, no drip, just the disturbing droning sound of an appliance in distress.

Mayday! I panicked. What NOW? How would I regain consciousness? How would we make it through the day without this life giving force?

I pored over the instruction manual for answers. Poking at it failed to unclog its pours, and three vinegar and water coffee machine douches later, I was inconsolable.

My beloved Keurig was dead. And I killed it.

Devastation.

I took to my bed. But I could not awaken from this hellish nightmare. After all, at that point there was zero chance I was ever going to be alert.

When at last I was finally able to stare fate in its cold, decaffeinated face, I realized that this was a job for customer service.

Frantically, I tapped the digits into my phone, answering the audible prompts with the utmost urgency: “ONE!” “YES!” “TROUBLE SHOOTING!” And after ten excruciating minutes that felt like a lifetime of pain and suffering in some third world country without fresh brewed coffee, the voice of salvation appeared. The voice of my café guardian angel was calm, gentle and reassuring. Sensing that I was thoroughly distraught, she talked me down off my ledge of despair in broken english like a tenured 911 operator.

“Aldright. Tell me yourd seedial numbuh.”

“My what?”

“Yourd seedial numbuh.”

My seedial numbuh? Oh! You mean serial number?”

“Yes!”

“Oh my God! I don’t know. Where is it?”

“You will find dee seedial numbuh in dee bock of dee matcheeeen.”

This woman was so there for me in my time of need. She spoke words of barely indecipherable encouragement and salvation, breathing new life into my then, limp, un-caffeinated body; indeed, into my soul.

You must find a papah cleep.”

“A…what?”

“A papah cleep. Pay-pah-cleep.”

“Oh! A Paper clip?”

“Yes! Papah cleep.”

“But I tried the paper clip. It didn’t work!”

“Leesten to me. You must find a papah cleep. It weeel worduck.”

“But…but…I used my last paper clip and it’s bent and useless, and I don’t know…I…I might have another one, but I don’t know where…”

My voice trailed off as all hope was fading like Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress after several dry cleanings. Apologizing profusely for wasting her time, I offered to call her back once I found one. But no. She was in this for the long haul.

“I am hered to make surud you geet yourd Keudig worducking and I weell wait on de line weed you unteel you find a papah cleep.”

“Oh my God, thank you. You don’t understand, I could not live without my Keurig.”

“Oh, but I do underuhstand. I could not leeeve widout my Keudig.”

Wow. And she really was from a third world country. This was a first-world, third-world convergence; full-on solidarity. I had found my coffee soul sister.

And so it was that she waited for me. Patiently. She waited while I rummaged through kitchen drawers, tore apart my office and ransacked the kids’ school supplies, speaking to me all the while in the same broken, yet reassuring timbre.

“Dōn wordee. I weeel stay on dee line.”

“It’s just that, I drink coffee all the time. And now I’m used to this coffee. I…I can’t…”

“I underuhstand. Me too.”

I appreciated the sentiment, but somehow I didn’t believe her. She was too calm.

“I FOUND IT! I found a paper clip!!” I exclaimed with a rush of jubilation.

There is was, wedged under a baseboard in the hall, next to the bathroom, one lone paper clip. My salvation. I yanked it out with all my might, blew the dust and dog hair off of it and held it in the air triumphantly.

What transpired next was a delicate balance of negotiation as she talked me through painstaking maneuvers involving a series of holes in the machine, holes I didn’t know existed, in an attempt to unclog and free them of unrepentant residue.

It was only after repeated poking, purging and feverish tutelage, that the impacted grounds could be freed.

And all the while, she got me, you know? The way only true compadres do.
We bonded that day, across the miles, through a shared appreciation of technology and hot beverages. Together, what we experienced was a true International Coffee Moment.

I was all up in Keurig’s business, covered in coffee sludge, blathering away, seemingly to no one, when Kevin walked in.

“What are you doing? Who are you talking to? Really? You called customer service?” he mocked.

“You want Keurig to work again, don’t you?” I hissed.

“We could just buy another one” he offered.

“NO! Ihsan and I have already put too much into this one! It deserves a second chance. We deserve a second chance.”

But who had the last laugh and the first freshly brewed cup of coffee when the crisis was finally averted?

This gal, that’s who.

Before we parted ways, most likely never to speak again, Ihsan (which is Persian for “compassion”, by the way) told me to be sure to douche the machine every month so this would never happen again.

And I figure what’s a gallon of vinegar every thirty days if one wants to go on living? And I mean really living.

BIO:

Linda Roy is a writer/musician whose "funny with a soundtrack" humor blog mixes humorous essays with comical songs. She lives in New Jersey with her husband and two boys who swear she’s the female Larry David. A BlogHer Voice of the Year for Humor, she is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post and Humor Outcasts. Her work has been featured on numerous websites, including Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, BLUNT Moms and BlogHer. She is co-author of several anthologies, including the third book in the New York Times bestselling "Pee Alone" series, I STILL Just Want To Pee Alone, as well as the bestselling The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets, and Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor. Connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, Google+ and check out her music ones on YouTube. No wonder her family is always running out of clean underwear.LINKS: Blog: lindaroywrites.comFacebook: Facebook.com/lindaroywrites.comTwitter: @lindaroywritesPinterest: pinterest.com/lindaroywritesInstagram: instagram.com/lindaroywritesYoutube: https://m.youtube.com/user/elleroy15

Friday, September 9, 2016

Everyone experiences insomnia at one point or another, and I'm not talking about the I-shouldn't-have-had-that-double-espresso-shot-before-bed kind of sleeping problem. I'm talking about full-on insomnia that occurs night after night and leaves you looking like The Walking Dead. Unfortunately, when you skid sideways into menopause, it's not uncommon for insomnia to become the unwanted BFF who short-circuits your dreams.

Most menopausal women I know don't have a problem falling asleep; they have a problem staying asleep. For me, it's the demanding bladder, sporadic hot flashes, and the fact that my brain believes 3:00 a.m. is the ideal time to wake up my muse and share some brilliant ideas.

There are different trains of thought on the amount of sleep required to stay healthy. Some people need a solid eight hours to function normally, while others perform best with only five. But one thing is for sure; when you aren't getting enough sleep, your body lets you know in a variety of ways, such as frequent yawning (which is really just a silent scream from your body to return to your bed). Here are 14 signs that you're not getting enough sleep:

1. You have the sales pitch from every late night infomercial committed to memory.....and you are now the proud owner of a corduroy cat condo (even though you don't own a cat).

2. Your feet have created crop circles in the carpet from numerous night time trips between your bed and the bathroom.

3. Every morning your eyes appear bloodshot and your coworkers suspect you've been staying up late to party with the spirit of Bob Marley.

4. You toss and turn so much during sleep that you've worn bald spots on either side of your head.

6. Yawning is a chronic problem at work. Each time you yawn, it creates a chain reaction around the office, which lasts two hours and goes several rounds before it stops. I'll bet you're yawning right now.

7. Your neck is often sore from craning your head sideways every five minutes to check the glowing numbers on your bedside clock.

8. Other than the Cleveland Clinic, you own the second largest collection of orthotic braces for aching knees, feet, and wrists in your desperate attempt to sleep pain-free at night.

9. You're always in a fog. You wake up one morning to find your pillow in the refrigerator and a frozen lamb chop in your bed. No amount of coffee is going to improve your brain fog. You will always do stupid shit and be forgetful until you get more sleep.

10. You engage in mental warfare with your brain nightly around 2:00 a.m. The brain doesn't want to sleep, but you do. You tell your brain to shut up, but it just keeps asking the same questions: "Did you lock the front door? Turn off the stove? Pay the mortgage on time? Did the dog poop when you walked him at 11:00?" No sleep for you until you get out of bed and check all the locks. Well played, brain.

11. Mr. Sandman ran out of sand before he made it to your house, which explains why you have large, empty sand bags under your eyes every morning.

12. You've reached the end of your rope and have signed up for a sleep study despite the fact that you will get NO SLEEP at the clinic. How can you, when you'll be required to wear Medusa-like coils around your head and electrodes attached to your body? What little shut-eye you get will be plagued with seemingly acid-induced dreams that will make you feel like you're back at Woodstock in 1969.

13. You've counted so many sheep at bedtime that you now have a wool sweater with a matching set of mittens. Keep up with the sheep herding, and a free scarf comes next.

14. Although you need 3.0 readers during the day, your night vision is 20/20 since you've inherited the sleep cycle of a nocturnal rodent.

Still worried that you're not getting enough sleep? The good news is that Amazon has a BOGO sale on sheep. You can order as many as you want for counting.....which means you won't have a shortage of wool sweaters this winter. Sweet dreams!

Friday, September 2, 2016

Today I'm featuring one of my favorite writers who happens to be a dear friend I met through the blogosphere awhile ago, and I've admired her writing ever since I found her site, My Inner Chick. Kim Sisto Robinson blogs about women's issues, humor, and her family, but she mostly writes about her sister, Kay, who was murdered on May 26, 2010. Ever since her beloved sister's death, Kim has been on a mission to spread awareness about domestic violence, and I applaud her efforts to empower women by giving them a voice to speak out against abuse. Please check out her site for a list of resources there for victims seeking help to end the nightmare of domestic violence.

The post Kim is sharing with us today, however, is one of her humor pieces that I can totally relate to since I'm just as guilty of being distracted by the internet as she is. I have burned dinners, forgotten appointments and lost plenty of sleep while scrolling through Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter. It drives my husband nuts, but at least now I know I'm not the only one who has picked up this distracting habit. Enjoy the post and please welcome Kim to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!

CHEATING ON MY HUSBAND WITH FACEBOOK, BLOGS, & TWITTER

The universe cracked open & out flowed a drug called– I will like you “I will validate you.”

The addiction began.

50 friends. Cool.

100 friends. Wow.

500 friends. Amazing.

I had no idea I was that freaking popular, that freaking interesting.

Conversations like—Will you be my friend? Are you on Facebook? Did you see the grumpy cat, the loudest purring cat, or the fluffiest cat became ordinary conversations with co-workers, friends, acquaintances.

I became fascinated about where people dined for dinner, bought their shoes, how they made Better Than Sex Chocolate Cake, and where they traveled for vacation.

You mean, you spent spring break in Belize sunbathing? You lucky bitch girl.

I could monitor who had new babies, old high school friends, previous boyfriends, co-workers, and read about your perfect kids being accepted into Harvard, Princeton, Yale.

I could even stalk my own boys by instant messaging them to get their asses home to mow the lawn.

They are no longer on Facebook and presently label me –“The Creeper.”

Really? Meeee?

As if Facebook wasn’t enough, I began blogging.

Words, syllables, & stories poured out like, well, have you watched The Exorcist?

And I’d typically hear something like this from the back room, “Kim, will you please get in the kitchen to take care of this bacon?” Or “Kim, can’t you hear the fire alarm? The cookies are buuuuurning!”

Yesterday, Mr. Liverpool said in a serious tone, “I need to tell you something important. Now, don’t get mad at me for telling you this.”

“Okay, what?”

Was the dude having an affair? Did I do something bad? Again. Did I crash the computer? Did I remember to pay my TJ Max bill? I simply had to have those black boots!

“You’re addicted.” He finally said.

“I don’t drink that much wine,” I replied. “I’m down to, gosh, a glass a day.”

“No, not the wine, Kim. You’re addicted to Social Media. It’s the first thing you go to in the morning.”

Now, if you know me, you definitely know I don’t take criticism well… but I couldn’t fight this.

~Kim Sisto Robinson is an educator, poet, passionate mother, wife of a Brit, HUGE lover of cats, and abundantly obsessed with the written word. She started her blog, My Inner Chick, in honor of her sister, Kay, whom was murdered in 2010 by her estranged husband. Her mission in life is to give all women a powerful voice.