JOEY: I don't know, you see somethin', you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Let
me see it again.

ALL: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin, the nubbin.

CHANDLER: Joey was in a porno movie.

ALL: Huuh.

CHANDLER: If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' everybody with me.

ROSS: You were in a porno?

JOEY: Ahh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just wanted a job, OK. But at the
last minute I couldn't go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to fix
the copier but can't 'cause there's people havin' sex on it.

MONICA: That is wild.

ROSS: [to Chandler] So what's it shaped like?

PHOEBE: Yeah, is there a hair on it?

JOEY: What happens if you flick it?

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, and Julie are sitting on the couch.]

ROSS: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?

CHANDLER: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the
magical land of Narnia.

JULIE: You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility.
You get the best huts and women dance naked around you.

CHANDLER: Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area?

ROSS: You know, you are so amazing, is there anything you, you don't know?

RACHEL: [to Monica at the counter] Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special.

MONICA: Look honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But he's with
her now and you're just gonna have to get over it.

RACHEL: Ohh, I'm gonna have to get over it. God, see I didn't know that's I had to do, I
just have to get over it.

CHANDLER: No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast but when Snoopy falls.
. . funny.

MONICA: I can't believe you're dressing up for him. I mean, you're just, you're setting
yourself up all over again.

PHOEBE: OK, no. For your information I'm going to see him so I can put all those feeling
behind me. OK, and the reason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice to look
nice for your gay husband.

ROSS: [holding cream pitcher] Oh, darnit, we're all out of milk. [holds pitcher in front
of Chandler's chest and flips the lid] Hey Chandler, would you fill me up here?

CHANDLER: Oh I see, I see, because of the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha. . .

[Scene: Central Perk close to closing. Ross and Julie are still there. Rachel is cleaning
tables.]

ROSS: OK sweetie, I'll see you later.

JULIE: See you later Rach.

RACHEL: Bye-bye Julie. [Julie leaves]

[Rachel is still cleaning, Ross is laying on the couch. Ross kicks Rachel in the butt.]

RACHEL: Hey.

ROSS: Hey.

[Ross kicks her again]

RACHEL: Hey, c'mon, cut it out.

ROSS: Hey?

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: Can I ask you somethin'?

RACHEL: Sure.

ROSS: Naa.

RACHEL: What? C'mon, talk to me.

ROSS: OK, what's the longest you've been in the relationship before ha, have, having the
sex?

RACHEL: Why? Who's not having. . . Are you and Julie not, are, are you and, are you and
Julie not having sex?

ROSS: Technically, huh, no.

RACHEL: Wow. Is it, is it 'cause she's so cold in bed. Or, or is it 'cause she's like,
kinda bossy, makes it feel like school?

ROSS: No, no, she's great and it's not like we haven't done anything. I mean, uh, uh, we,
we do plenty of other stuff, lot's of other stuff, like uhh. . .

RACHEL: No, no no no, don't need to know the details.

ROSS: It's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've only been with one woman my whole life
and she turned out to be a lesbian. So now I've got myself all psyched out, you know, and
it's become, like this, this thing and I. . . Well, you just must think I'm weird.

RACHEL: No, no, no, no I don't think it's weird, I think, I think umm, in fact, in fact
you know what I think?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I think it's sexy.

ROSS: Sexy?

RACHEL: Let me tell you something. As a woman there is nothing sexier than a man who does
not want to have sex.

ROSS: No kidding?

RACHEL: Oh yeah. In fact you know what I'd do?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I'd wait.

ROSS: You'd wait?

RACHEL: Yes, absolutely. I would wait and wait. . . then I'd wait some more.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Oh yeah, I don't care how much she tells you she wants it, I don't care if begs,
she pleads, she tells you she, she's gonna have sex with, with another man. That just
means it's working.

ROSS: Well, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to Joey.

RACHEL: What did, what did he say?

ROSS: Basically he told me to get over myself and just do it, ya know. So I though about
what you said and I though about what he said and, well, his way I get to have sex tonight
so. . .

[Scene: Ross's apartment. After dinner. Chandler enters.]

CHANDLER: What's this in my pocket? Why it's Joey's porno movie.

ROSS: Pop it in.

JOEY: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled with two nippled
people. [Chandler puts the tape in]

RACHEL: Great, people having sex, that's just what I need to see.

ROSS: What's wrong with people having sex?

RACHEL: Well, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women and
females. And uh, and the lighting's always unflattering. And, Monica help me out here.

MONICA: Hell, I wanna see Joey.

[video starts with the cheesy porn disco music]

JULIE: So is there like a story or do they just stard doing it right. . . oh, never mind.

CHANDLER: OK, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.

MONICA: All I say is, she better get the job.

ROSS: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.

JOEY: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to
the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do. . . so I just watch 'em have sex. And
then I say, wait, here's my line, [Joey from TV] you know that's bad fo r the paper
tray.

CHANDLER: Nice work my friend.

JOEY: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin'
me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . .

PHOEBE: I, I don't, I don't understand, how can you be straight? I mean, you're, you're so
smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties.

DUNCAN: I know, that's what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point where you
can't live a lie anymore.

PHOEBE: So how long have you known?

DUNCAN: Well I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I though I was supposed
to be something else, you know, I'm an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just
tryin' to fit in.

PHOEBE: And um, and there's actually a, a woman?

DUNCAN: Her name's Debra.

PHOEBE: Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you've been with?

DUNCAN: Well, I've never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college,
when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But
I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college.

PHOEBE: Sure.

DUNCAN: But now I know I don't have a choice about this, I was born this way.

PHOEBE: I, I don't know what to say. I mean, you know, you're married to someone for six
years and you think you know him and then one day says, 'Oh, I'm not gay.'

PHOEBE: [handing him the papers] Here you go. You know what, I just have one more
question, um, if you had figured this out sooner and um, I had been around, do you think
that I would have been the one who. . . no, um, I'm sorry, don't tell me, I don't th ink
either answer would make me feel better.

DUNCAN: I love you Phoebe. [they hug and kiss]

PHOEBE: So your brother's straigh huh? Seriously.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Julie is telling her live story.]

JULIE: And my second grade teacher was Ms. Thomas, and my first grade teacher was Mrs.
Cobb.

RACHEL: Uh, OK, I mean uh, what, how are you gonna handle it. I mean, are, are ya gonna,
are ya gonna talk about it before hand, are you just gonna pounce?

ROSS: I uh, I don't know, I guess I'm just gonna see, see what happens.

RAHCEL: OK, gook luck.

ROSS: Wha, uhh, what?

RACHEL: Nothing, I mean, um, it is your first time with her and, you know if the first
time doesn't go well, well then that's, that's pretty darn hard to recover from.

ROSS: OK, now I'm nervous.

RACHEL: Maybe you should put it off.

ROSS: No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I just, I spent last year being so
unbelievably miserable, ya know, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really
happy. I just, I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya know.

RACHEL: I know, yeah, sorry.

ROSS: What, it's not your fault.

RACHEL: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the
right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to,
I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know
really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and
look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to
happen.

ROSS: [being drawn in by her talk] Uh-huh.

RACHEL: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that
I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and
uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening.

ROSS: Ohh. . . Thanks Rach, goodnight. [goes back in apartment]

RACHEL: Ohh, God.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: The next morning on the street. Ross is dancing along, Singing in the Rain
is playing. Two old ladies are sitting on a bench.]