Although threats may be one of the most frequently used weapons in your discipline arsenal, they're hardly an effective or loving way to spur action or teach responsibility. Yet from time to time, we all fall back on threats – often absurd ones that leave us feeling foolish and the problem unresolved.

Getting out of the threat rut isn't easy. There are some creative alternatives, though. When you find yourself tempted to tyrannize, these six strategies may help turn threatening moments into nurturing ones.

Give choices

The biggest problem with threats is that they tatter self-esteem and inspire fear or rebellion.

"Threats are a message of distrust," says Adele Faber, author of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. "Your child hears, 'You can't be trusted to control yourself, so I'm going to control you.'"

Giving choices, on the other hand, puts your grade-schooler in charge and prevents fruitless and stressful stalemates. So instead of saying, "If you don't turn your music down, I'll turn it off," try saying, "Hey, that hurts my ears. Would you rather listen to something else or go listen in your room?" Participating in this type of decision-making teaches her to think for herself and to assume responsibility for her actions.

Talk to your grade-schooler and say, "We have a problem. How can we solve it?" That way, the situation becomes you and your grade-schooler against a problem, instead of you against your grade-schooler.

Follow through

Threats are often too extreme or inconvenient and therefore impossible to execute. "If you can't follow through," says family therapist Evonne Weinhaus, coauthor of Stop Struggling With Your Child, "you're going to appear spineless, and your kid will trample you."

Suppose that night after night your grade-schooler can't tear himself away from his neighborhood buddies to come in for dinner. You tell him, "If you're late for dinner again, you can't play outside tomorrow night!" Chances are he won't take you seriously, and the nightly struggle will continue unabated.

Instead, change your behavior. Focus on logical consequences that will help him learn he's accountable for his actions.

Say: "I'm going to close the kitchen at 6:30. If you get hungry later, you'll have to eat your dinner cold." You can follow through on that, and when you do, he'll probably be at the table on time – at least for a week or two afterward.

Admit mistakes

Threats have a way of sneaking up on you. Often the words are already out of your mouth before you realize how ridiculous they sound. When this happens, there's nothing wrong with rewinding the tape and trying again.

Imagine that as you're grocery shopping your grade-schooler continues to throw junk food in the cart, even after you've asked her to stop. Finally, you get so frustrated that you threaten to make her leave and sit in the car alone.

Try not to resort to this kind of threat, but if it's too late, tell your grade-schooler, "I made a mistake. It would be unsafe for you to be in the car alone. If you can't follow my rules in the store, I'd better take you outside and we can wait until you're ready to try again." This response – to replace a hollow threat with a solution that gives your child a second chance – is a sensible approach.

After all, every parent blows it once in a while. The important thing is to go back and talk about what happened. Use it as a learning opportunity between you and your grade-schooler.

Set clear expectations

Grocery trips are, of course, a classic stress-builder for parents, and threats fill the aisles like soup cans. To avoid this scenario, prepare your grade-schooler before you head to the store. Tell her how you expect her to behave. Explain, for instance, that you'd like her to help you track down the items you need.

When you arrive at the store, ask her if she remembers what you'd like her to do. When she answers "help you find things," congratulate her on her good memory. Then ask her to find an item or two in each aisle. This makes shopping seem like a treasure hunt and gives the errand a positive spin from the get-go.

Of course, it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes you get to the store, and not only does your shopping companion refuse to help you find things, but she also has a fit when you won't buy sugary cereal. What then?

On the way there, when you tell your grade-schooler how you expect her to behave, also explain what will happen if she doesn't cooperate. Tell her, "If you help me find the things we need, you can pick the cereal you like. If you don't help me, we'll have to go home without any cereal."

If your grade-schooler still refuses to cooperate, stand firm and invoke the consequence you've talked about.

Keep cool, think positive

Staying calm and confident might sound like a tall order, but it can make a big difference. One reason threats often fail to control your grade-schooler is that they whip up emotions rather than defuse them.

When Jennifer Chin-Alfers and Jay Alfers of Novi, Michigan used threats to discipline their daughter, Andi, 6, and son, Ian, 4, the friction between them only got worse.

"If I asked them to do something and they didn't do it, I'd start yelling," Jay says. "Or we'd threaten to take away a privilege, like being with friends. But then a lot of the time we wouldn't follow through."

Your grade-schooler is more likely to learn how to behave if you give him constant, positive reinforcement. So consider using a reward system to help him overcome a major challenge.

If he's in and out of bed like a jack-in-the-box every evening, for instance, put a star on a special calendar for each night that he stays put. When he's racked up a week's worth of stars, reward him with a small toy or a special outing. He may still struggle with sleeping alone, but this method is more likely to lead to success than you ranting and raving.

Know your child's limits

You may need to examine what you're asking of her. If she's been cooped up all day and really needs a chance to unwind, for instance, it's not a good idea to take her to a restaurant where she has to sit still.

It isn't one or two threats but your everyday approach to your grade-schooler that matters most. If you're always on a tirade, always critical, you're wasting chances

to have gratifying interactions with her.

You're faced with many challenges as a parent, but if you handle them gracefully, the majority of your interactions with your child will be positive ones.

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