WASHINGTON—Citing a mutually shared vision of health care in
America, congressional Republicans and the deadly bone-marrow cancer
leukemia announced a joint effort Wednesday to repeal the Patient
Protection and Affordable Care Act, the historic new bill that extends
health benefits to 32 million Americans nationwide.

"Republicans have no greater ally in this fight than leukemia," said
Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC), who was flanked by Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY),
House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), and the abnormal increase in
white blood cells. "Denying insurance to Americans with preexisting
conditions and ensuring that low-income Americans stand no chance of
receiving quality health care are just a few of the core beliefs that
the GOP and leukemia share."

"And believe me, if anyone is angrier than the Republican Party that
children can no longer be denied coverage for having preexisting
conditions, it's leukemia." DeMint continued. "We're a match made in
heaven."

In the coming weeks, Republicans and leukemia will travel the country
in an effort to diminish support for the increasingly popular bill,
which GOP sources said goes against everything that Republicans and the
massive accumulation of toxic cells stand for.

According to party leaders, all forms of the deadly blood disorder,
including T-cell prolymphocytic leukemia, hairy cell leukemia, and large
granular lymphocytic leukemia will lend their support to the Republican
effort.

"I look around and I see Sen. Bob Bennett, Sen. Saxby Chambliss,
eosinophilic and megakaryoblastic leukemia, and Sen. Pat Roberts, and I
think, 'This is what the Republican Party is all about,'" Sen. McConnell
said. "We don't like this new bill. We don't like that it will cut the
national deficit by $1.3 trillion over the next 20 years. We don't like
that it's now illegal for insurance companies to suddenly drop a parent
for getting deathly ill. That's why we're so very proud to be working
with leukemia."

While chronic leukemia was reportedly worried about how its
association with the Republican Party would affect its public image, the
destructive pathogen was ultimately swayed by language in the final
bill that offers small business owners tax incentives to provide health
care to their employees.

"Getting chronic on board was key," one Republican strategist said.
"It made it politically viable for acute [leukemia] to join the repeal
the effort."

A longtime ally of the Republican Party, leukemia also supported GOP
efforts to stop President Bill Clinton from passing sweeping health care
reform in 1994. A decade later it endorsed President George W. Bush's
Medicare legislation, which effectively forced many senior citizens to
pay full cost for prescription drugs. And in 1971 it supported President
Richard Nixon's escalation of the Vietnam War into Laos.

"Leukemia has always been a disease that veers to the right," said Newsweek
columnist Ezra Klein, adding that Republicans have also sought out the
support of high-profile illnesses such as sickle-cell anemia, type 1
diabetes, and sepsis. "And at the end of the day, you can't ignore the
fact that this deadly blood disorder has a lot to lose if the bill
succeeds."

Thus far, Republicans and leukemia are confident that the bill will be repealed.

"In 2010 leukemia and the Republican Party will make history," a
spokesman for the illness said. "Because years from now, when people
look back and ask who was on the right side of the issue, they'll
remember the day that Republicans and leukemia came together to make a
real, permanent difference in the lives of millions of Americans."

"IN THRUST WE TRUST"

"We were conservative Jews and that meant we obeyed God's Commandments until His rules became a royal pain in the ass."