Now there's one more know-it-all telling me what to do

We never buy new cars. At any mention of a new car, my frugal Hubs starts mumbling about how it depreciates "the moment you drive off the lot...."

But we'd done our research and had our sights set on a brand known for durability. According to the minivan groupies in my life, we could expect it to drive for a gazillion miles, survive a nuclear holocaust, and cruise the ocean floor. For once, we figured it was a good investment to buy new.

It's gorgeous. And it scares me. See, we got the version with the navigation system on board — partly because my Hubs is also generous, and partly because he's tired of sheepish phone calls to his office that begin, "Babe, I'm a little lost...."

We tried out the nav system on the test-drive, packing our four kids into the car and threatening them within inches of their sticky little lives not to touch A THING. Our salesman was very young, hip, and single.

He wanted to show us the voice recognition and talking navigation system. He shot a dubious glance at the peanut gallery in the back. "Uh, it has to be quiet in the car for it to work."

We hushed them, and our salesman said, "Find the nearest Mexican restaurant." Suddenly little flags popped up all over the screen, indicating eateries. The backseat gang erupted. "COOOOL! THAT IS SO WICKED!"

And the boys, thinking that we were about to purchase a car with a magical genie living in the dashboard, began shouting requests: "GIVE US A VIDEO GAME! WE WANT A PIZZA!" It was such a proud parenting moment.

The salesman went on to explain that we can follow the map or our own route. The system will realize what we're doing and reconfigure the directions.

Did you read that last sentence? My car will realize what we're doing. No car should be realizing anything. Do you see why I'm nervous? It's like having Big Brother (or Big Sister, since our car's voice is female) sitting in my car with me. What will she "realize" next?

"Mrs. Lowe, I think you were a little hard on Joseph just now."

"Mrs. Lowe, you should have gone with the silver earrings."

"Mrs. Lowe, Taco Bueno is a poor choice for someone on a low-carb diet."