SO as I was saying a couple of years ago… actually hang on, what was I saying?

It has been so long since I put pen to paper and exposed my mid life crisis ramblings that I must admit I have come through that period and am out the other side.

What is that called, the bit after ‘mid life’ crisis? It’s that period where all music is too loud, the television is too quiet and the word mild goes before everything in your life, such as beer, curry and indigestion but strangely not wind.

Odd things happen in your mid life!

Apparently I now own an iPhone, whatever that is and have made calls on it, sent emails and photographed my ear on several occasions.

It has a compass, a calculator and plays music….but what is an app?

Is it like a nap only shorter!

I enjoy naps, especially after a mild curry and during X Factor.

Speaking of telly, I was watching the BBC last week and there was a report on apes having mid life crisis or is it crisi?

I have yet to see the baboons at Paignton Zoo wandering around with a fur comb-over, a pony tail and a much younger ‘mail order’ macaque, but you do see the human male of the species with mid life baboon tendencies.

With jeans so tight you have to walk on all fours to relieve the pain, hair sprouting from every orifice and constantly sucking back fresh fruit, macrobiotic yoghurt and wheat germ, they can easily be mistaken for some aging primate.

They go out in gangs on the Barbican, especially at Christmas wearing council road cones, sitting on the bonnet of cars trying to peel off windscreen wipers, whooping to each other, should they get lost and then end up huddling and grooming one another in The Dolphin.

The enemy, the good lady wife, is still with me as is dear Ratboy, the son and heir.

He is now 18 and has totally lost the power of speech which we think is an allergic reaction to the overuse of hair gel.

And we are going through that difficult period of regression with him.

He gave up his dummy when he was about three but has now taken to carrying a ketchup bottle as a replacement. He even sleeps with it! He has also taken to using the enemy’s hair dryer for long periods in his bedroom, partially to style the puddle of hair gel on his head and partially to reheat the slices of pizza left on the bedroom floor.

Last week we sat down and tried to work out if we could roast a chicken in the same manner.

We decided that it wouldn’t really work but you could warm a pot noodle with his GHDs.

Right, that’s it from me for this week.

I’m off to try and use Plymouth’s new part time ship canal and main drain for Plymstock. Or Gydnia Way as it is called on the maps.

@lemon_entry um.....he didn't - did someone read this out to you? He refers to males having baboon-like traits. He refers to his wife and son in a completly new paragraph unrelated to the previous writings. It's the precursor to the next section.
I suggest you quit now while you are only looking a little foolish before you make a complete idiot of yourself. Either that or spend a week thinking your logical argument through, discuss it with your peers and take their advice as to whether to proceed. You might find that you are a lone thinker on this one.
"Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level and beat you on experience"

@lemon_entry you are so woefully misguided as to be laughable. Not only do you not know of Fitz's humour (this is one of his "catchphrases") but at no point has his comment anything to do with race, gender at a push maybe if you were being really picky, but race? You have no idea of the difference (if any) in race between him and his wife.
If you are going to have a crack at being clever, at least apply the rules properly. I think implying Fitz is in any way racist is a very hurtful thing to say too, you should be ashamed of your amateur spoutings.