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If sadhana is the core of your life, and at the center of your relationship, you will be solid, sensitive, and satisfied. If, however, you look for your satisfaction in your relationship, you will live with a broken heart. Happy people make happy relationships. If you enter a relationship satisfied, happy, tranquil, and fulfilled you will most likely stay that way throughout your relationship.

If, instead, you lean on your relationship to compensate for a lack of self­esteem or happiness, it won't work.

It is in the nature of an intimate relationship to reveal some of our deepest attachments and neuroses. Without a consistent way to dissolve the patterns of the subconscious, the patterns of the subconscious will dissolve the relationship. Our fear, limitations, and attachments define the limits of our tolerance. Tolerance is the foundation of a relationship. If you are looking for a perfect and ideal person to relate to, there isn't one. If you're going to reject your partner due to his or her faults or misguided concepts, you might as well leave now and save time. If you live for each other and encourage your partner to grow, develop, and expand in tolerance, you will be happy in that relationship. Growing and changing together develop the depth of a relationship. Share your growth.

Seva: Dr. Khalsa, relationships seem to be full of pain and suffering, with occasional moments of torture and agony. What is the essential purpose of relationships?

Dr. Khalsa: The best reason to have a relationship with another human is to know God better. If you feel you won't be complete until you find your partner, you are looking into a pit of unhappiness. If you ask your partner to complete you, you will be completely unhappy. We are by nature whole, complete, happy humans with a spiritual identity. If our identity relies on our relationship, the fluctuations of that relationship will bring you with it. Be steady, serve, and be happy.

Seva: Is it best for partners to have common beliefs and values, or can relationships be based on pure luck or attraction?

Dr. Khalsa: Relationships based on impulse are briefly enjoyable, but in the long-term they create spiritual blocks by giving the ego a safe place to hide in the dark cave of interlocking neuroses, festering and reproducing in the children and environments. Often we are attracted to another because our ego (limited self) sees a place for survival, avoiding the annihilation of the ego along the spir­itual path. When choosing a partner, you must ask yourself the question: Is this a place for my limited identity to hide, or am I attracted to consciousness and spirit? You always have the choice to follow either your fate or your destiny.

First, common ground between partners facilitates smoother sailing in relationships. Vibratory compatibility and a similar vision of family regarding children and contraception are a good basis for a strong physical relationship. As spiritual people we are tolerant and intelligent.

On a very basic level, in the core of us, we are human animals with a strong sexual desire. Between two people a universe can be created. Sexual expression of love is the joy of it. The way we physically express our love is one of the most creative, inspiring, and spiritual activities in our lives. The essence of transcendental thought lies in this sensual experience of another. Our ability to communicate and touch the soul through the body is nothing less than majestic and divine. If there is any block, resentment, or hesitation in attitude regarding physical aspects of sexuality, there will be difficulty in the relationship.

The second and basic common value is prosperity. Sexual prosperity, as well as financial and spiritual prosperity is the fountainhead of relationships. Withholding love and an attitude of scarcity will constrict and restrict the love between two people. If you don't have time to hold your beloved, then it is time to adjust your schedule.

The third basic common value is a warm, cozy, happy home. When the home has a cozy, warm, and graceful environment, the relationship has a warm nest to grow in. When the home is chaotic and disruptive, then division and isolation can happen between the partners. God lives in cozy homes, and so do successful relationships. When there is a pot of soup on the stove, a fire in the fireplace, and the house smells good, it is difficult to argue. Happiness can be attained at home.

If the focus of your relationship is to "take," you will not be satisfied. If the focus of your relationship is to "give" to the Universe, the Universe will serve you well. Whether it is raising your children to be saints and healers, developing a spiritual community, or serving the consciousness of the universe, if "giving" is your intention, you will be deeply satisfied.

Seva: What is the key to sexual satisfaction in the context of relationship?

Dr. Khalsa: The balance of the nervous system and the glandular system happens at the sixth chakra, in the structures of the hypothalamus and pituitary glands. Sex starts at the third eye as an intention and a perception.

There are two major branches of the nervous system used in sexual relationships. The parasympathetic nervous system controls the rest and relaxing functions of the body and is necessary to access for arousal. If there is any fear or stress in the relationship or individual insecurity, then sexual arousal is blocked. In Kundalini Yoga therapy we recommend long deep breathing through the left nostril, Kirtan Kriya, and gong meditation to help access the ability to relax.

To achieve a full orgasm requires accessing the sympathetic nervous system. This requires a degree of sexual tension, attraction, and passion. If couples "take each other for granted," the passion begins to be elusive. In Kundalini Yoga therapy, we suggest that couples chant together, participate in White Tantric Yoga®, and do yoga that stimulates the sympathetic flow.

[Originally published in Aquarian Times, Summer 2002]

Dr. Hari Simran Singh Khalsa is a Chiropractic Physician at the Life West Chiropractic Clinic in Hayward, California. He is also a Kundalin Yoga Teacher Trainer and Sat Nam Rasayan Instructor. Dr Khalsa is grateful for the opportunity to have worked directly with Yogi Bhajan (the teacher who brought Kundalini Yoga to the West in the late 1960′s) frequently during his life. He is married to Sat Rattan Kaur. Together they lead the East Bay Teacher Training programs, and have been mentors to hundreds of new Kundalini Yoga teachers and students, and pillars of the Bay Area Kundalini Yoga community. http://dryogi.com/