Author: Cacao Papow

As some of you might know from my IG, I write a weekly gratitude diary. I started it to help me with my anxiety and feelings of hopelessness. In a previous post, I’ve discussed my journey with mental health and right now I’m in a good place. I thought it would also be beneficial if I did a round-up every few months to help keep me on track, especially during testing or stressful times. Anyway, here’s the first one – let me know your thoughts.

Me

I’ve had success with my no-spend in preparation for my trip to San Francisco in April. I’ve bought two tops, three vintage saris, a pair of earrings and a beret since January 1st. Selling and giving away things I don’t need or want has had a positive impact on me – I also have a bit more space in my flat. At the start of the year, I gave myself a challenge to break my fear and hatred of running (definitely linked to horrible memories from school). With the right playlist, I’ve managed quite a few 5Ks on a treadmill. I still prefer boxing or rowing but I’m not afraid to run now.

Family

I see my mum and sister at least once every two weeks. We generally hang out, catch up, cook and eat. I’ve had A LOT of great dinners round my mum’s but I definitely need to practise making dishes that aren’t in my repertoire. I’ve previously written about my grandma’s dementia and my reactions to it (you can read about it here). I’ve been round my grandparents a couple of times this year and I’ve not left in floods of tears; we’ve managed to laugh, reminisce and look after each other. I don’t feel so anxious about going any more.

Friends

Through reflection, I’ve definitely come to the realisation that I prefer small meet-ups to big ones – I’m much less self-conscious and I don’t feel so overwhelmed. In the past three months, I’ve had a two group meet-ups in London and I’ve got a couple more planned later in the year. It’s much easier now I know people a little better. I’ve continued my monthly dinners with my friend Becky (we also fit in a drag show). I feel like we’ve developed a solid friendship – I can talk to her about anything. Kelly and I hang out (when we can) and miss Rhina. We’re going to be long distance friends for the foreseeable future but we have plans! This month I finally met Salina and we’re already thinking about our next meet-up – it’s always good to find a kindred spirit.

Work

I always find the winter months at school the hardest; waking up in the dark and going home in the dark make me quite miserable. Thankfully, it’s getting lighter now. Over the term, I’ve had the usual stresses of teaching but I’ve been working with a really solid and lovely team which has been great for my anxiety.

Outfits

Here are some of my favourite looks from the past three months:

I feel like it’s been a positive start to the year. I’ve got so many plans ahead of me though – there’s not enough time!

As well as being a stunning pin-up and talented singer, Mozzy is campaigner for diversity and representation in the world of pin-up and vintage. Most recently, she has focused on the Miss Viva Las Vegas competition. She took time to bring pin-ups from diverse backgrounds to public attention, using social media as a platform.

Incredibly intelligent and hilarious, Boo Brown is firm believer in looking and feeling amazing no matter your size. As well as sharing her fabulous outfits on IG, she blogs about travel, clothing reviews and her pin-up activities. Check her out (and also send her pictures of cute dogs).

J.C. is one well-dressed chap, posting about fashion, history, art and styling. He believes that representation matters and celebrates his own culture and history, sharing images from past and present.

Jenny Rieu is a beautiful creature. Not only is she a lover of vintage style, she’s a model fighting against body shaming. Jenny is happy to share her successes and struggles, always with the message that beauty comes in all forms.

Jessica is a TV presenter, blogger and YouTuber. She is a huge fan of pin-up style and she suits it well. She openly talks about her disability and sexuality, pushing for greater acceptance and understanding.

Zena is a seamstress and vintage enthusiast living in America. Her handmade outfits are seriously impressive. She cares about the representation of people of colour, posting stories and images from history as well as her own adventures.

Creme Fatale in a drag queen from San Francisco. Though she doesn’t necessarily describe herself as pin-up or vintage, I get a lot of inspiration from her styling. Furthermore, she is open with her views on gender, drag and art.

February 13th – officially Galentine’s day. Now I’ve never been one to celebrate these types of things, however as a bunch of friends had organised a meet-up on said date, it seemed rude not to!

Seeing as our group opted for a Valentine’s colour theme (yes, we are that kind of group), I went for a red and white combo. The dress is from St Cyr Vintage in Camden. I added a cropped cardigan and a Jenny from Vivien of Holloway. As the weather was foul, I popped on my Elements rain coat – beret added for extra hair protection.

To kick things off, I met up with Kelly, Becky, Lara (birthday girl) and Eve at Notting Hill Gate station. From here, we gawped at brooches at The Hirst Collection, grabbed a French cuppa and caught up with Eva at What Katie Did.

In need of calm and recharging, we got to Fortnum and Mason in time for our booking. We kicked off with some fizz, which slipped down nicely. There was a wide array of teas to choose from but I managed to settle on rhubarb, raspberry and nettle – a refreshing blend. I was pleased to hear that the entire tea service was able to be replenished – a few extra cakes and sandwiches is never a bad idea.

The sarnies were filled with classic fillings: smoked salmon, cucumber and coronation chicken for example. All were rather scrummy. For me, the highlight of the tea was the scones. These were the BEST scones I’ve ever had – buttery, crisp on the outside and perfectly baked in the middle. Decent helpings of cream and jam were piled on top and upon eating, I was in scone heaven. I would go back just for these.

On to the cakes, which were Valentine’s-themed. There was a rose choux, a rhubarb and custard biscuit affair, a chocolate-coffee-hazelnut fondant fancy, a raspberry and lychee swirl and chocolate and cherry heart macaron. I was quite enamoured by the the macaron and the rhubarb and custard patisserie. There was a cake trolley too but we were all far too stuffed to even consider trying any!

Waddling like over-stuffed penguins, we took the tube to Holloway Road to peruse what Vivien of Holloway had on offer. All of us enjoyed a decent trying on session.

Our next stop was Covent Garden for some evening mooching. Kelly and I were pretty pooped from our day out so we headed off home.

On the train home, I reflected on the day. There was so much love and joy shared between the five of us. Having struggled a lot with friendships and acceptance in my teens, I thought I’d never find people I could truly connect with. I was wrong. Online, I’ve found a small handful of people that have had such a positive impact on my life. On days like this when we actually get to hang out, I just feel content and warm. I do not have many friends but the friends that I do have mean an awful lot to me.

My first girl date of February was actually my third time hanging out with the glorious Jennifer. I relish any opportunity I get to spend time with her so I was very excited see her after nearly four months of separation.

I’m having a bit of a love affair with purple at the moment so I had to put this combo together. Both the dress and cardigan are from Vivien of Holloway. I added a vintage brooch for a bit of sparkle.

To begin with, we had a walk round the Tate Modern. While I waited for Jennifer, I had a go on the swings (an installation by Superflex) and chatted to a few tourists. It was a fun experience – both new and nostalgic. Together, we took in the likes of Bruce Nauman, Guerilla Girls and Barbara Kruger – as well as chilly views of London.

From the gallery, we strolled over to Dandelyan Bar located in the Mondrian hotel. I have to say it is a particularly gorgeous place to have afternoon tea. The decor gives off serious Wes Anderson vibes and I love the colours. A great photo shoot spot.

On to the afternoon tea itself – we opted for the Wyld Tea, which is an afternoon tea paired with four cocktails. It kicked off with a zingy lime and prosecco concoction that was greatly appreciated by both of us (I liked the marshmallow too). As the savouries arrived, we moved on to a palate-cleansing melon and cardamom spritz. As well as the usual sarnies, there was some moreish cheese on toast and a pastry swirl too. Jennifer had the veggie option and she was definitely a happy bunny.

Not long after, we moved onto the cakes and boy, were they beautiful! We also got another cocktail – a dinky vodka number. I really loved the cake selection. The Battenburg was yummy in spite of the marzipan and the rose blancmange was sat upon such a buttery shortbread. My favourite of all the patisserie had to be the nutmeg custard tart; caramel, vanilla, custard and crisp pastry are always a stellar combo. Jennifer had a nut-free selection that reminded me of a pixie village. We both had clean plates at the end, ready for our final fruity tipple.

I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I’m usually weary of drink pairings as they’re not always to my taste. This selection worked really well though! If I could change anything about the afternoon tea, I’d add in scones. This was my first afternoon tea without them and it just didn’t feel quite right – I need clotted cream and jam in my life. That aside, I’ll be heading back for sure. Post-tea, we opted for ‘Lonely Heart Killers’ cocktails as we chatted (another yummy choice).

One of the best things about our friendship is that we can talk about literally everything; we rarely have a quiet moment between us. I feel like we put the world to rights and lift each other up. Obviously we’ve not known one another long but that doesn’t really matter – we intend doing this kind of thing well into old age!

At the beginning of this year, I promised myself that I’d get a new sari (one that wasn’t a hand-me-down from older generations in my family; one that was truly mine). On Wednesday night, I made my selection on a website. As I was just about to pay, I stopped. I’ve previously touched on my relationship with my race and culture in a previous blog post. Trying to buy a sari brought a lot of those feelings back.

When my grandparents came to this country from Fiji, they did what they could to assimilate. As well as having their given names, they also had anglicised names – this was also the case for my mum and her siblings. Even I anglicised my name for the majority of my childhood, going by Cherie rather than Chereeka. Assimilation also impacted the way my family dressed. There are some pictures of female family members wearing saris in the UK (most around the sixties and seventies) but as the years have gone by these images have become scarce. In my lifetime, I cannot remember seeing any woman in my family in a sari. I’ve only every seen close family friends in them or strangers going about their own business. With all this in mind, it made me wonder whether I should be buying a sari if they hadn’t been worn for such a long time. Would I be able to put it on without my mum’s help? Would it look wrong on me? Would people question what I’m wearing?

My mum in a sari in her late teens

Another thought that made me pause was my own background. I’ve only ever worn my mother’s sari. I wear it rarely but when I do, I feel a greater connection to her and the older generation of women in my family. Should I be able to wear it more often? I’ve been brought up in majority white neighbourhoods and educational institutions. On several occasions, I’ve been referred to as a coconut or Oreo – not brown enough. Also Fijians are such a tiny ethnic group in the UK, it’s hard to find someone from the same background to discuss this stuff with. I know I’m waffling at this point but what I’m trying to say is do I have enough connection with Desi culture to wear it? I want to take pride in my ancestry but I don’t want to be disrespectful or disingenuous either.

I know it’s not the biggest issue to be discussing but it is something that I worry about. Maybe I shouldn’t be so concerned with other people’s opinions. Maybe I should already know the answer. However, I still ask myself: should I buy the sari?

To cut a long story short, I fell in love with drag around three years ago when I first started watching RuPaul’s Drag Race. Since then, I’ve been been following the journeys of several queens and branched out to seek other forms of drag. The Boulet Brothers (including everything Dragula) and Creme Fatale are particular favourites of mine.

Even though I’d been enjoying drag for quite a while, I’d not been to an actual show. I’m not a fan of being out really late and I hate public transport at night so the natural timing of a drag show isn’t all that ideal for me. This all changed when I found out that Sasha Velour was coming to Reading university – I knew I could cope with a twenty minute journey. Excited at the prospect of finally seeing some fabulous queens up close, I asked Becky if she fancied coming along and she happily said yes.

On the night, I opted a Velour-inspired outfit: bold colour, velvet and a leather jacket.

My other half dropped me off at Becky’s and then we made our way to the union (which I hadn’t visited since 2011). Neither of us knew what to expect.

A mix of UK drag queens and dancers strutted their stuff on the stage as the DJ got the audience warmed up. I’m in no doubt that Becky was in awe of my masterful dance moves. Everyone in the room seemed to be enjoying themselves – even though it was a Monday in January.

After some time of boogying on down, the time had come for Sasha to come on stage. It was bloody amazing. I won’t say too much but Marlene Dietrich, Golem, Kate Bush and Le Tigre were involved – along with some stunning costumes.

The final act had Becky and I holding hands, swaying and singing. Totally unforgettable. Afterwards, we headed upstairs for out Meet and Greet. Sasha turned up in the most glamorous vagina outfit. It was wonderful. When it came to my turn, I just told her that she was brilliant, that I was out on a school night and that I loved her views on education. It was a blur of smiles and happiness.

Despite it being nearly two in the morning, Becky and I left the union buzzing – we’re definitely going to more drag shows together.

I have always adored teal – not quite green, not quite blue but completely beautiful. Lately though, I’ve been having a bit of a love affair with mustard. Any shade seems to satisfy my need for warmth, sunshine and a little sophistication.

When Susan Phelps and I decided to do another shoot, I knew I had the perfect combo. First of all, I grabbed my newest dress from Vivien of Holloway. The Runaround Sue is one of their staple styles but the latest batch are made from an easy-to-wear crepe fabric. I had to go for the petrol version, which is a darker teal colour. Pockets included – definitely a winner!

Now when I saw this jacket on the House Of Foxy website, I knew I’d eventually end up with it. It’s got to be one of my favourite purchases; great quality fabric and a perfect fit. Mustard is quite a bold colour but it goes nicely with quite a few bits from my wardrobe.

My talented little sister knitted me a mustard hat and scarf set for Christmas. The scarf made a great accessory for my dress!

Thanks again to Susan Phelps for creating these gorgeous shots – here’s to the next shoot!