How Butch Are You?

Plenty of readers have asked me a variety of this question: How do I know if I am butch? How do I know if someone else is butch? Why don’t people know I am butch? Or, what about lesbians that look butch, but don’t identify as butch? “Well, she is wearing a vest, after all!” And, what about lesbians that identify as butch, but no one sees them as such? “You can’t be butch, you have a purse!”

As I am now clearly the worldwide expert on this (NOT!), I do feel compelled to try to answer. And, frankly, I am honoured (trying to appeal to my newly broadened audience with a more international spelling) that any of you would ask for my opinion. My hope is that this blog will start a lively conversation and that a LOT of you will comment on this post, adding your view and opinions to what I have to say. As I have said before, there are many ways to be butch, and there is no right way. And, it is definitely more than the clothes. That is just the wrapper on the yummy butchness inside.

It comes down to two things, IMHO

Being butch, in my opinion, is about two things. How you see yourself and how others see you. Of course the first one is the only one that matters; but the second is important if you want to appear to the world in a way that is congruent with your view of yourself.

1. How You See Yourself

Michelle Pfeiffer isn’t butch just because you put her in a suit. And, meow!

So, how do you see yourself? Do you feel butch? Do you like the label, tag, or identification of butch? Does it feel like it fits you? That’s the crux. If you feel like a butch, but you wear dresses, good for you. If you feel like a femme, but wear only men’s suits and fantastic vests, good for you. You alone define yourself.

I spend a lot of time on my blog “defining” what it means to be butch, but this is always tongue in cheek. You can read some of these, like How to Be Butch* (http://wp.me/p27vDp-3W) and I am a Butch (http://wp.me/p27vDp-3W). I am simply defining what it means to me, and of course, trying to do it in a way that is amusing for all of you (or maybe most of you? Some of you?). For example, I don’t wear lipstick or makeup (except for eyeliner, which I call “guyliner”). I wear all men’s clothes. I have super short hair (a Mohawk, to be precise). I am bigger and taller than most of my friends, many men included. I like to be strong and want muscles. But that is just me. There are a tremendous variety of lesbians who are butch that would take exception to much of that. Again, it only matters how you see yourself. Do you feel butch?

2. How Others See You

kd lang didn’t become a femme when she put this dress on – my favorite song of hers, btw.

As humans, we have a need to label and categorize ourselves and others. Yes, labels are bad. No one fits precisely into any one category, but don’t hate. You know it’s true. You walk down the street and you see someone, anyone, and you assess them in a split second. Safe, dangerous, attractive, ugly, straight, gay, athlete, lazy, rich, poor, smart, dumb. Translation: desirable or undesirable. Of course, the classifications are much more complex – a handsome, straight, well-educated, well-off, married man. And, so on. While you’re doing it, so is everyone else. Making judgments about you based solely on how you dress, walk, look, and talk. Most people probably see me and think, “There is a big, butch dyke.” [Note: To our ally readers, don’t use the word “dyke” unless your lesbian friend told you it was ok to use it, and then, only use it with her. It’s hate speech and with a butch, it might get you punched in the face.] I’d rather it was, “There is a handsome, dashing, well-educated, charming single butch.” We can all dream. How do people see you? Do your friends think you are butch? What does your mom think? Side note here, my 9-year old recently told a lady at Nordstrom that her mom is butch. I am lucky because the way I see myself lines up with the way others see me – as Über Butch. Whew.

The vast majority of lesbians that I know define themselves as neither butch nor femme. It is much more common to simply consider oneself a lesbian. There is a spectrum of lesbians. On one end of the spectrum are the most masculine lesbians who identify as butch – maybe 15% of the lesbian population. On the other far end of the spectrum are the most feminine lesbians – maybe 15%. But the vast majority of lesbians (70%) would fall somewhere in the middle. I am just picking numbers based on my experiences, no research or anything. This article needs citations!

I have no idea how Jillian Michaels defines herself. She might not look butch in those dresses, but her attitude and poise are hella butch. Hey girl!

3. But, Who Cares?

The bottom line is that there is no one way to be butch. For me, being butch means that I want to take care of the woman I love – to protect her. I want to be bigger and stronger. Sometimes when I am lifting, I want to pound my chest and roar (Jillian would probably approve). As dumb as that is, I want a woman who thinks it’s cute – or maybe even hot. I want to open the doors. I want her to wear heels, lipstick, dresses. But that’s just me! How about you? What makes you butch?

I would like to add that there are gobs of lesbians that are more butch than me, and I am good with that. Butches, we are good. No need to track me down in a bar, or (gulp) side street and challenge my butchness. You win! Please don’t come looking for me unless you want to grab a beer. If you are butcher than me, I will buy…

Some random blogger’s shirt. Heh!

I would also like to add that if any of you think you might be a femme, but aren’t sure and would like help figuring it out, come looking for me! I am available for consultations, including door opening, and roaring. We will get you through this – together.

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About Tristan Higgins, aka Butch Jaxon

I am a butch. This blog is about what I think.
If you do not know what butch means, you are probably on the wrong blog. In the interests of inclusion, though, I can tell you that “butch” means a lesbian that is big, strong, tough, more macho, less girly. Of course, there are no hard and fast rules – which is an ongoing theme in my blog (and in the comments), but those are the basics. A butch will most likely not wear makeup. A butch is often referred to as “sir” by someone who is not paying attention.
What else? I am, after all, not just a butch. I am happily married to the most amazing woman ever, and the mother of two fantastic kids. I am also a lover of, in no particular order, beer, bow ties, breasts, movies, hiking, bookstores, travel, dogs, geocaching, polar bears, the gym, music, gadgets, and more. By day, I am an intrepid corporate entertainment lawyer. Although I try hard not to be labeled as such – sporting a bleached Mohawk, for example. Think more entertainment and less corporate. By night, bring it all on!
In my blog, I talk about things from a butch perspective, but this is not just for butches. We all love our femmes. Please do not let me offend femmes, mine in particular! If you like what you read here, I hope you will comment and let me know what you think. If you do not like what you read, well, what the hell do I care? Start your own blog.
Be Butch.
View all posts by Tristan Higgins, aka Butch Jaxon

48 responses to “How Butch Are You?”

I went from tomboy to butch when I came out; it was a no-brainer. I think of it like being at the gym; you are better off competing with yourself to be the best butch you can be than competing with everyone else to be butchier than thou. Great post.

Hi there! From tomboy to butch… Sounds like the name of a great coming of age book or movie! Yes, I certainly don’t want to try and be more butch than anyone else. So silly right? There’s plenty of air in the world. Thank you for commenting. I hope you’ll stick around and speak up.

Love it! Love the Jillian reference. I like to imagine a bit of a “Kinsey scale” with 1 being the most femme and 6 being the most butch. For the most part, I’m probably around a 2 or 3, but piss me off and “the butch comes out”…or at least that’s what I’ve been told. 😉

As for “pound your chest and roar”…totally cute. I would gush over that, lol. But I would’nt let you see it of course. 😉

I’m an old-fashioned, old-school butch. I wear men’s clothing & shoes, my hair is short, and I do not wear make-up. I love high femmes, and unfortunately where I live now, there is an extremely short abundance of them. I love opening the door for my femme, holding all the bags while she shops, taking out the garbage, taking care of the car, and making my femme happy in the bedroom. Or any room for that matter. I will walk into a room as if I own it. I don’t allow men to take up my space. I enjoy listening more than talking. Yes, I have an attitude, and I don’t care. For me, it’s about presence. I don’t “pound my chest and roar” (maybe when I was in my 20’s); I simply look. Sometimes, that’s all it takes.

If I was a femme, I think my heart would be fluttering. Much respect. You must be amazing. I love that you walk into a room as if you own it. I think that is part of the “defining” that I missed. Thank you for adding that.

No more roaring for you? I am not in my 20’s anymore either, but I still enjoy a roar every couple of days. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. I am so appreciative that you and so many others have done so.

If a lady is a lesbian it says in my straight head, I do what you’ve described above and categorize her – I assess that she likes the female form, boobs and minnie’s (yes that’s right) and I wonder and assume that she enjoys another female who perhaps is more in touch with her emotions and her thought process. Why then does she go with someone who is butch? Someone who by way of dress, does not accentuate their female form but rather hides it as I see it. By way of who they are hides natural female initial emotions (I’m guessing at that part and of course am likely to be wrong).

I suppose in short what I am asking is – if you are a lesbian why are you attracted to someone who outwardly appears more manly than feminine?

Thank you for always allowing me to ask you frank things such as this. I do it purely to be better educated and not a moron 🙂

@Your Sister Sharon – I know I’m not Butch Jaxon, but thought I’d chime in as a femme who loves butches by sharing a quote from the butch actress Skyler Cooper (yum!) that answers your question so beautifully I can’t really top it:

“I love butch women for what they represent. Unfortunately, I believe butch woman have not been properly understood. There are hordes of stereotypes about them in the media and our communities that don’t represent what I call butch. With that said, this is what I love about butch women: they have a natural marrying of masculinity and femininity in a woman’s body. It’s the essence of the two genders carried by a woman. It’s spectacular to see. A pure anomaly of nature. … For the record though I am a serial fem dater. Sorry butchies[!]”

As for my own answer, it’s okay if you don’t understand why we’d like butch women. I, for one, don’t understand why women drool over Brad Pitt and George Clooney or any of the others they all drool over. I mean, I can see they’re intelligent, talented, and attractive but they just don’t do anything for me. And that’s the same thing with femme women. Yes, they’re showing off their femininity and their feminine assets, but I just don’t care? But butch women. Oh my god. There’s nothing hotter than seeing this strong sexy woman swagger in. You know that she’s so strong on the outside, but there’s a softness to her too that she only lets a few people see and I want to be the one to see it. And when she takes off her suit (or better yet, when I do!), there’s still a woman’s body underneath, and more importantly, a woman’s heart, but even naked, there’s still a masculine energy which speaks to me, emotionally, romantically and oh my god, so very definitely sexually.

Just as there are so many types and presentations of men – from the Pete Wentz type to the Zack Galifianakis type – there are many types and presentations of women, and all of em are sexy in their own way to someone. Butches are sexy to me!

Now that I’ve pulled myself off the floor and got myself together (ahem), I want to thank you for this super great insight. It’s cool that you as a femme are so able to explain the attraction to a butch to Sharon. I have always thought that our beloved femmes have a great deal in common with my beloved straight women friends.

“if you are a lesbian why are you attracted to someone who outwardly appears more manly than feminine?”

For me the answer is fairly simple: At the end of the day, regardless of how they dress, they aren’t men. Its more than just an appearance thing. I’m bisexual; I’ve dated men, women, and butches and I can assure you that men and butches are not one and the same. Unfortunately, I’m not really sure of a great way to explain that in detail, so please just take my word for it, LOL. 😉

I’d also like to point out, that not all lesbian relationships are butch/femme. Most people don’t realize when they see femme/femme or butch/butch relationships; they assume its just a couple of friends, its not as obvious. (I’m not saying that you’re assuming that, just putting that out there.)

Oh and on that “hiding” thing…Perhaps this is best answered by someone who identifies as butch, but I don’t believe that being butch has anything to do with hiding or being ashamed of being a woman. It may look like that on the outside…and that’s what society says you should see/think. To me, a butch is a someone with personality traits or attitude that society has deemed to be exclusively masculine. In my opinion, to go out each day, be who you are and challenge how society has defined you is hardly something to be ashamed of.

As always, I LOVE your questions, friend. I love that you are comfortable asking me. And you know I love you. On this one, in my delay i see that there are some amazing answers to you that I think are very responsive – and unlike anything I could have given you, as they are from a variety of perspectives.

Do you have an follow up questions? Did Kelly, BT, CLHutch87 and Scorpiopixie help colour this in for you?

I’m newly out and have been trying to define what being butch means to me ever since. I have always been a tomboy and came out butch. I also only wear men’s clothing, have short hair and won’t wear make-up. I strive to be the “gentleman” and really want to be the hero for my lady. In the end it seems really undefinable but that doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying.

Welcome out! Isn’t it great out here? I think that you will likely spend your life defining yourself. That is certainly what I am doing. We sound like similar butches, bro. Thanks for commenting and sharing. I really appreciate it.

I am butch. I am tall, strong, have short hair, do not wear makeup (shudder), wear only men’s clothes, love motorcycles, tools, being outside, beer, burgers and most of all, my Femme. I love that I am female…and I am not feminine. My interests and inclinations are more masculine. I court and woo my Femme every chance I get. I am chivalrous. I protect my Femme ( not that she really needs it) and most importantly, I honor her and respect her. I agree with zenbutch, it is about presence. I have attitude at times, an edge, swagger. And I let my emotions out also. My Femme gets it all. Hard on the outside but soft on the inside. I am solid, focused, presesent and stoic, especially at work. I am fortunate that how I see myself is how the world sees me. Even my job is butch (zoo keeper) where my masculine traits are used and I am soft and loving with my animal friends.
My Femme lights up my world, whether in heels and makeup or kicking it in jeans and a tshirt. I love that she is soft and feminine. And I love that she loves my muscles and I too, pound my chest at times. It’s butch to be proud and show it!

I want to comment on Sharon’s question. For me, I am absolutely NOT AT ALL wanting or trying to be male. There is a distinction between male and masculine. I, by virtue of my inclinations, what’s inside of me, and outward appearance, am more masculine than feminine. This is how I was born. It is natural for me. The gender binary does not make room for butches. As for attraction, this is how it is for my Femme and I….we are polar opposites and it is HOT. She doesn’t want a male. She wants a female but not the same as her. The masculine feminine dynamic is a dance of opposites whether it be 2 females or a straight couple or 2 males. My Femme sums it up like this: a butch is the best of both worlds. Strong, present, chivalrous while still being soft and sensitive to emotions.
I dont hide my female form, but my form is more masculine. My shoulders are broader than my hips, I am muscular for a female, and I also have boobs. I would rather show off my biceps than breasts, yes, but I do not hide my breasts either. I look and feel absolutely ridiculous in feminine clothes. All would agree! I do not speak for all butches, but I am open and flowing with my emotions. I am sensitive but also stoic at times. I am a great listener and will talk about my feelings too.
Being butch isn’t being male. It’s being more masculine than feminine.

Hats off to Butch for this post being so thought provoking and engaging!

I love this description of yourself. I am the same, with the addition that I don’t own makeup and a few other things. Only unfortunate thing is I got stuck with an average height skinny body. Men’s shoes are too big and I have to buy small size clothes. And it’s almost impossible to find hats that are small enough. At least I got small boobs. Thank goodness.

I can not thank all of you enough for your kindness and patience in response! I read these responses last night and then lay awake at 1am thinking about them.

To Scorpiopixie, you describe it better than Skyler Cooper! It totally made it click. At first I didn’t think your George Clooney/Brad Pitt response worked with what I was saying – thinking you meant how can women fancy men and I wasn’t saying how can women fancy women, but I think the point more was those kinds of men. When I take into consideration that folks said hey, there’s femmes with femmes and butch with butch it made better sense to me – it’s just what you fancy but underneath it all, femmes wanna feel like femmes and butches wanna feel like butches.

What BT said also helps me to understand, “I strive to be the “gentleman” and really want to be the hero for my lady” – being the hero is the important part there I think. I think this is the same as straight relationships where you have dominant women – but we as society do another classification there and see the man as weak instead of how their relationship works. I am a strong independant female who is vulnerable on the inside and puts out a far more powerful together exterior than is probably true – I wouldn’t work with a male who was always trying to fight me for the “power” and it’s why my relationship with a much more laid back comfortable fella works.

clhutch87 mentioned society and I think we do the same thing with straight tomboys – how can you not want to conform with what society says a lady should dress, act and look like.

Sharon!!!!
Yes, it sounds like you have it for sure. I was going to add briefly this am – have you ever dated a guy and thought, geez, I wish he was a little more sensitive, more attentive? Or, maybe a little more appreciative of the way I look? More like my girlfriends are when I go out, complimenting my appearance, dress, shoes?
Well, butch lesbians tend to be those things. Again, broad stereotype, but it’s kind of like the best things that straight women and femmes like about men, without all the irritating things about them. Obviously, the penis is an issue for lesbians, and not for straight women. But, it’s like having a male aura but in a woman’s body. Soft on the inside and tough on the outside, I think was shared a couple of times. I think many women appreciate that a lesbian lover might be very attentive because of the mutual understanding of the same chemistry/body (even though they are not interested in women). Add to that a butch and you have a bit of the more masculine (strength, power, etc.) thrown in.
Thankfully, for many women that is a powerful combination. At least, I am very thankful! In the end, it’s all a spectrum. Some women are attracted to Rambo, and some to Ryan Seacrest. Same thing with lesbians.

Love it! Love that it’s not too limiting on butch identity. I obviously don’t fall anywhere on the butch spectrum, but I remember somebody telling me that L isn’t a “proper butch” because she doesn’t like to be referred to by male pronouns. I fully support anyone gender queer or trans, but I didn’t know that the level of masculinity has to rival on taking T in order to be butch qualifies.
Glad you’re a bit more open minded! 🙂

I totally agree. I actually think that most butches (maybe?) are comfortable with female pronouns. Of course, our friends that are wanting a different body, well they woulnd’t be. But I see trans as being just over that spectrum of lesbians that I was referring to. Perhaps we have a trans reader who will add thoughts here.

I am going to say something else, and I raise it because I think it’s only pertinent to Butch lesbians and not femmes. I’m not sure it has anything at all to do with what we’re talking about (lol) but, it connects for me with what we were talking about with butches.

I, like many other straight women, am very attracted to Rachel Maddow. I of course would never act upon that attraction were I to meet her since I wouldn’t want to touch her wobbly bits – it’s a crush moreso about her aura, her comfortableness in her own skin, and how super smart she is. (I wish MSNBC would stop making her wear the ridiculous eyeshadow). I also have the same thing about Marilyn Manson – a strength of being, super smart, is who he is and is not afraid to be different – though again, I would not want him to touch me. I think the same of Butch Jaxon, extremely smart, put together, very attractive looking and strong. I don’t have any of these feelings about straight women or femme lesbians because they are the stereotype female. I don’t look at say Hilary Clinton or Oprah or other powerful women the same way which is a bit shit really. That must all have something to do with me, I shall have to ponder what it is lol.

Yes! Exactly! With all of the identity policy that tends to happen within our community, it is so refreshing to read this post and to know there are other butches out there who think the way I do. This is my main inspiration for the photo project I’m doing. Individually, we define our own identities and there are so many unique expressions of butch and femme out there. Each one of them beautiful in their own way!

OK, well, first of all, WOW, y’all – what a slew of cool posts. I have been swamped with work and trying my best to say away from this entry, Butch, because Kelly (my Butch, for all who don’t know me/us) told me how much was going on in response to this one. . . and knowing myself, I didn’t dare read until I had some time to WRITE. . .

So here I am writing. I think by now its all pretty much covered, but I want to add one thing. I think it might help to clarify we femme’s attraction to butches to consider thinking of ‘the sexes’ as being 3 rather than 2. That is, there are men, there are women and there are butches. As noted above (cant recall who said it at this moment), a butch is decidedly NOT a man. (Nor is she, in most cases, a woman wanting to be a man, nor even consciously ‘acting like’ one.) But in a very real sense (in some cases even hormonally, as in the case of my hot butch who has more testosterone than a lot of men), though she is technically female by biological and even emotional measurements, neither is she a woman in the same way that a femme or most straight women are women. Many if not most butches have bodies that – minus the penis – are far more masculine than feminine. Yet – also as mentioned above – a butch has all the qualities of being female that most straight women wish men had. What I’m saying here is: try on the idea that A BUTCH is a sex of her own.

If the world were right, in my view, we would recognize Butch as a third sex, and include butch in the world as such – for example, imagine, butches, if as a little kid you had had the option to use ‘the butch’s room’ at school (rather than the lady’s or men’s room) – a place, yes, to pee, but also to hang out and bump shoulders with your own kind. . . as boys got to do with their kind, and like girls, giggling in the girls room with their kind. Imagine, folks all, if there were boys, girls and butches in your class. . . what if the whole world had butch on its radar – these amazing human beings that were blessed with the CHIVALRY and HONOR of men AND the COMPASSION and SENSITIVITY of women. . . the strength of male bodies, the heart of women’s. The focus and intent of masculine presence, and the nurturing and flow of feminine caring. What better parent? Who better to run for president than one who knows both ends of the spectrum? (OK, so maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. But really. . . once we quit bullying butches for not being ugly girls or pretending to be boys, and honor and empower young butches for being the amazing vessels of balanced yin-yang that they are, might we see more healed butches in the world stepping up to positions of power and using their gifts to mend our world???)

Of course ALL humans have the capacity for all these things, and many men, women and butches manifest some or all of these traits. . . but if you think of a butch as a third sex, you might understand what it is those of us who choose butches (be they femmes, other butches or anyone in between) are looking for when we do so.

As Kelly noted, though she is decidedly not a man (happily for me, she has all the female parts under her hot masculine clothing), neither is she feminine. . . and honestly, if you tried to put her in female clothing, she’d look like she was in drag. I must also say I have never ever seen her affecting masculine behavior – she does not TRY to be like a man. Even when she is asleep (sigh and melt. . .), her movements are long and strong, masculine in essence. She, and butches in general (if we must generalize, which of course we mustn’t), are – in my view – truly both sexes, which to me makes them also neither. THE THIRD SEX. Maybe I will make a blog to honor The Third Sex and those of us who love y’all. Yeah. Right. In the spare time I don’t have. 🙂

THANKS TO BUTCH JAXON FOR MAKING THE SPACE FOR US ALL TO DIALOGUE ON THIS. Thanks to all the awesome contributors for honoring Butch for the space she created by dialogue-ing. (And thanks to everyone for tolerating my typo’s and Mermaid-long ramble!)

Oh – and one more thing – Butch, you totally ROCK for your amazing ability to speak from your strong point of view AND embrace everyone else for THEIR point of view with such integrity and honor. Awesome.

I get lots of this. Honoured by the international spelling by the way lol

I think I’m one of the people who inspired this article, actually. So I will add to my question. Obviously there are femme aspects that appeal to me, but the look isn’t one of them and I can’t stand the idea of being with anyone who is concerned about her nails, or messing up her hair. I know that the whole butch-femme thing isn’t an absolute but I kinda feel like it’s the expected thing. You don’t see the whole butch-butch thing very often. What do you think of it?

I’m relatively femme, but, I don’t know…I feel like a lot of what people use to define butches is confidence, and I don’t think confidence necessarily has to be masculine. When I sashay a little more than usual, when I dance femininely to prove my body is my own, when I used my painted lips to call someone out on their prejudices, or apologize for my own…that is empowering to me. It’s like…I like to be strong. But what makes me want to be strong is exactly what makes me feminine. I’m not feminine to fit in, it’s that this is what I feel, and despite the fact that I’ve been sexually harassed, I won’t let anyone tone down my womanhood.

So what I’m wondering is: where is the category for women who do not want to depend on a more masculine figure to validate them or their queerness, but love their femininity? My femmeness is assertive, not passive. And I deny that maybe my mind is butch because my personality is also feminine, it’s just resilient as well.

And I love gaining muscle, because it makes me feel a connection to strong women everywhere.

Hope I’m not too late to weigh in. I think of myself as Gretchen. On that Kinsey scale thing, maybe I’m 3-4…? Not sure, as I’m not interested in locking into a label. Labels are useful to aid comprehension, but not to get trapped in! I MUCH prefer conventionally masculine clothing–bowties and button-downs for fancy; jeans, t-shirt or polo, and sneaks for almost anything else. Oh, and my black leather biker jacket for Joan Jett concerts. But, oh boy, am I SENSITIVE. Hurt my feelings and I have go to a dark place and have a good long snot cry before I come back out. So, let’s call if soft butch, shall we? Butch, to me, evokes, strong, decisive, daring, protective–adjectives traditionally associated with the masculine gender. I think you nailed it when you said it’s a combo of what you think you are and how you are perceived. I get the swing vote, though.

I am a butch coming out in 1972. I love playing butch/ femme anything!
For me butch is all about imagine and attitude. Sure I wear pants and jeans , vests and sometimes I am in the mood for a tie. And I love singing I am woman , so are you. I am taller so you can fit just right in, we are gentle to the touch , it’s a feeling I like feeling very much.

But nothing gets me slippery more than stilettos , makeup, lipstick, cleavage , and perfume! My fem could be wearing a mechanic’s overall with her tool belt and say Come over here Sugar! And it is all over. Viva la difference !

Hey.

I see the world in a particular way. This blog is about how I see the world, both the good stuff (like beer) and the bad stuff (like idiots), but hopefully always funny. Leave a comment or drop me an email if you want me to hear how you see the world.

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