Friday, July 8, 2011

Four Weeks

Four weeks ago he left. Many of his things are still here. The detangling of our lives is not nearly complete. I did say"take your time" after all.

But it's been four weeks and I'm still alive.

Most days I'm fine. I'm good. I'm....well I won't say I feel strong, because I usuallly don't. I have moments of strength, punctuated by stark, blinding terror. But I'm learning to live with the fear...to push it to the back of my mind and go about my day so that for all intents and purposes I AM FINE.

But nights like this.....these nights are hard. Nights like this it's hard to remember that I only miss the man I WANTED him to be. I miss what I thought was going to happen some day.

I guess I miss having hope.

Five years of my life, blindly believing that things would work out. Every time he said "You're stuck with me" I believed it. Maybe he did too.

I won't say it's five years wasted, because I have The Girl. Not like I used to, but she's still part of my life, and I thank God for that. Literally.

Yeah, me and God, we're recently acquainted.

I came across a Christmas card today. My last from him. It was three weeks after I had surgery and apparently he was quite fond of me back then because he wrote in it the sweetest things anyone had ever written to me. All about how, while I was being operated on, he realized how empty his life would be without me. When I found it today, I couldn't even read it. I just gently put it in the trash. If I read it I will either read it as lies, or if I see it as the truth I will not be able to bear the thought that a man could love me that much and six months later just leave. And I simply can't imagine there will ever be a time whe reading it, just SEEING it won't cut my heart to shreds. So I really have no choice but to throw out the sweetest thing that was ever written to me.

Sorry guys, I don't have a happy ending for this post. I'm going to bed. Maybe there will be some happy tomorrow.