Thursday, March 09, 2006

Mr. Ed has jumped into the Alabama 7th district race as a Independent candidate for the United States House of Representatives.As part of our interviews for key Congressional races, he met with us last friday to discuss his plans.

Q: How did you get into politics?A: Well Wilbur, I organized a sh*t-in. I got a bunch of horses together in Mobile and we kept walking the streets back and forth sh*tting everywhere.

Q: What was this for?A: Well, Wilbur I was angry that Nick at Nite pulled my show and we weren’t going to stop until they met our demands.

Q: Did they answer your demands?A: Sadly no, Wilbur.But I did learn from my sh*tty experience.I was hooked on looking out for horses and the disenfranchised everywhere.

Q: Mr. Ed, why have you decided to run for Congress?A: Well Wilbur, frankly I have been disgusted by the Iraq war.It is depleting our country’s resources causing a massive shortage of carrot and peanut butter.

Q: Mr. Ed, are you implying that the United States has a shortage of peanut butter and carrots?A: Well Wilbur, yes I am.Sure most people could just go to the store and purchase the stuff. But, it is much harder for talking horses and the millions of poor who don’t have access to money.

Q: What is preventing you from going to the store, Mr. Ed?You’re a movie star.You’re rich.A: Frankly the doors are too small to accommodate my muscular figure, Wilbur.I used to have Wilbur buy my supplies for me, but he hasn’t been much use to me since he died.

Q: Wilbur is dead?A: (Whinny and wild aggressive nodding.)

Q: I see, so how are you getting along?A: A talking horse has its way, Wilbur.A talking horse has its ways.

Q:I’m still not seeing the connection between the Iraq war and carrots and peanut butter.Can you explain it in greater detail?A:Well Wilbur, the government could give free carrots and peanut butter if it wasn’t paying so much money for this war.

Q: I see.So you propose that we end the war and provide carrots and peanut butter free to all United States citizens?A: (Whinny and wild aggressive nodding.)

Q: Suppose you are successful in ending the war and secure the money needed to hand out carrots and peanut butter to everyone in the United States, what are your other plans?A: Well Wilbur, I’m glad you asked.I propose that we eliminate pavement and go back to dirt roads.

Q: Really?Don’t you think that will affect how we transport goods?A: (Whinny and wild aggressive nodding.)

Q: What other changes would you propose?A:Well Wilbur, I would make cars bigger so that talking horses everywhere can drive.Also I would mandate horse as a required foreign language in elementary school and hoofology as a valid alternative to gym.I would consider heavily subsidizing the hay industry, while taxing owners with small dogs that yelp a lot.Also Neil Patrick Harris would have to be my new personal slave while Clay Aiken would have to clean my teeth.

Q: Mr. Ed, I must be honest.Your platform makes absolutely no sense at all.A: (Whinny and wild aggressive nodding.)