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The Chicken Doctor

The Architect

I SAID GO OUTSIDE!!!!

Why is it so hard to get my kids to play outside today? It’s a tad windy, but the temps are in the high 50’s.

Did they forget that we bought this place so they could grow up wallowing in the dirt and becoming one with nature? Yes, I think they did. The long winter has damaged their little brains and they forgot that being outside can be something other than an intermittent discomfort of cold icy blasts that we endured from the van to the house.

For the love of MOTHER NATURE GO OUTSIDE!!!

I said, GO OUTSIDE! Do you want to take a nap? No, you don’t. No, you don’t. You never want to take a nap. Okay never mind, you can’t take a nap, GO OUTSIDE! If you sneak back in this house one more time I’m going to lock all the doors until next November and you’ll have to eat, drink, poop and pee outside! NO, you may not poop outside, unless I lock you out of the house! No, I’m not really going to lock you out, I was just exaggerating. Exaggerating means to make a story bigger than it is. Are you going to go outside now? Yes, you have to stay out there longer than the count to twenty. Don’t count anymore, just stay out until I tell you to come in. Yes, I’ll let you come in to poop.

This answers the age-old question, “Does a bear shit in the woods?” The answer is, “Yes, if his mother locks him outside and there is plenty of cha-cha-cha-Charmin hanging on a tree limb.” (I hate those stupid commercials.)

Dear, dear April, I would *love* to be outside right now instead of writing ridiculous comments, but I can hear the wind *howling*. Howling! Plus, I have been outside today. I was nearly blown off the road during the drive to gymnastics. I was blown off the sidewalk on the way to the car. And I’m certain the wind chill makes it feel like well below 50-something. I am a wimp and I’m thinking Kansas does not deal kindly with wimps.