Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Dumb Bumperstickers

I once read on someone else's blog that bumper stickers are a dumb way of making a point since all you have to do is make a statement without having to provide any evidence to back it up or defend it against rebuttal. I know what he meant. I've seen a lot of bumper stickers that are so obviously dumb that you could only make the statement if you were planning on driving off very quickly to avoid counter arguments. To that end, I'm going to quote various idiotic bumper stickers that I've seen and mock them, counter them, or make snide comments. The purpose? It will make me feel better, which is the whole point of this blog anyways.

"War is not the answer"

...because, as we all know, Hitler was planning on ending the Holocaust in 1945 anyways.

The answer to what? How much does this loaf of bread cost? Well, of course not. How do you stop a genocidal, terrorist dictator? Arguably it is.

I want a bumper sticker that says "War is not the answer; it's the question. 'Yes' is the answer."

"Anybody but Bush - 2004"

I've oft been tempted to stick a sticker that says "Hitler/Stalin '04" on cars that have this one. But alas, bumper stickers that say that are hard to come by.

"Against Abortion? Don't have one."

...which is akin to saying "Against genocide? Then don't commit it" or "Against flying planes into buildings? Don't do it."

On a similar note,

"Against Abortion? Get a vasectomy."

Thanks... I'll tell my mother, wife, sister, etc. that they need to get a sex-change operation and then a vasectomy if they wish to continue holding their beliefs.

Even pro-lifers are not completely free of stupid bumper stickers:

"Let them eat cake - birthday cake. Stop Abortion."

Wow, that is such a compelling argument, how could some one possibly continue to support legalized abortion in the face of such powerful logic.

"I'll bet the pro-choicers are glad their parents weren't."

As logical as the above statement would seem, I once saw Barbara Boxer's daughter give a speech about how proud she was of her mother and all she had done for abortion "rights" in this country. Very sad, but it does counter the sticker's saying.

Beneath a Peace sign on a car...

"Ignorance and Arrogance is not good foriegn policy."

...which is why it's essential that the Republicans keep power this year.

On a car, next to a "Go Army" bumper sticker:

"John Kerry - 2004"

Obviously the person was unaware of Kerry's voting record when it comes to the Army.

Thursday, July 1, 2004

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a scene that could have been taken right out of a 1950's science fiction movie, aliens landed at the steps of the Capitol building today. As onlookers gathered around the circular space craft, a long ramp lowered from underneath the ship. Moments later, two green, one-eyed, multi-tentacled aliens appeared in an opening at the top of the ramp.

"Greetings, humans," one of the aliens said in a loud booming voice. "For many years, we have studied your planet through your 'electronic mail'. Now we have come to solve all your worst problems and elevate mankind to join in the galactic community. That is why we bring each and every person a lifetime supply of generic Viagra."

The aliens explained that since the invention of e-mail on earth, they have been sampling it, and based upon the most discussed topics, have "discovered the worst afflictions facing mankind, like expensive medications, and have come to provide Earth with solutions to all their ills by offering the lowest prices for Windows and Office software."

"No longer will mankind have to suffer the horror of a lack of college degrees. Because of our superior technology, our college programs can give you a four-year degree in just 8 months!" the aliens explained. "And we will make discount Canadian pharmacies available to all.

"Never again will a single human be turned down for a mortgage, but instead, all will be provided with the lowest rates available. Never again will you sit at home, bored on a Saturday night, but instead 1 cent DVDs will be available to all. And never again will you be unsure which stocks to invest in, but will have access to our Stock Picks of the day.

"So come, all humans! Come enjoy an end to all your afflictions! Get hardcode pr0n for free! Have access to generic Valium, Cialis, and Xanax! Feast in the perfect future we have planned for you!"

The Aliens ended their speech with several minutes of drooling and sinister laughing.

NEW YORK, NY - Following crashes of all the world's stock markets and massive inflation of every major currency, the global economy has been plunged into a massive depression, the likes of which have never been seen. But amidst the chaos and anarchy, one form of currency has rapidly become the only one acceptable for barter: the Gmail Invite.

Immediately following the collapse of the world economy, riots broke out as people were unable to buy any food or medicine, since all money had been rendered worthless. But a small group of computer nerds began offering Gmail invitations in exchange for goods and services. After a short time, these valuable commodities became accepted worldwide as the only currency.

Rapidly, the invitations are rising in price. Says Dr. Hugh Gallow, noted economist, "Initially, an invite might have been used to buy a loaf of bread or a quart of milk, but now you can get a BMW for 5 invites."

Already, some countries have adopted the Gmail invitation as the national currency. Italy, Nigeria, and South Korea were among the first to adopt "the Gmail" and are now paying governmental salaries with this new form of money. Many western nations are considering this move as well. A bill to that affect is scheduled to go up for a vote in the House of Representatives Tuesday.

Google, preparing for their IPO, was quiet on the issue and refused to comment.