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Sunday, October 10, 2010

Today, I experienced yet another broken dream that brought me to my knees in grief.

For the first time in 7 weeks, I went to church.

Being in the hospital with Joshua, I never went home. I stayed by his side every possible second. I dreamed of the amazing day of bringing little Joshua to church and sharing our miracle with our church family. I dreamed that our church family would love and adore him, and thank God for his life. I thought about the tears of joy that would flow as our church family got to celebrate the fact that Joshua was with us, alive, and thriving. I knew I would probably have to make it VERY clear that they could get no where near him due to the fragility of his health, but I wanted to share him none the less. I was excited about the day that our pastor would perform the baby dedication, and we would hold our miracle baby up for all to see.

But reality is, is that the only time most of our church family got to see him was lying in a little white 24 inch casket. The only tears that were shed were tears of sorrow and grief. Most did not get to experience those piercing dark eyes, that grumpy little growl, and the sweet and salty smell of his tiny little forhead.

The grief is overwhelming. I continue to trust in God's perfect plan, but the pain is almost too much to bare.

Over the past few days, I have read every comment, message, email, tweet, and post that you guys have left for me. I am drawing strength from your prayers on my behalf. I have nothing left of myself. I have been emptied. I feel weak, tired, and desperate. I truly believe that God will help heal my broken heart. I also truly believe in the power of prayer. God hears our prayers and comforts me with them. The Holy Spirit is working, even if I am so numb that my world feels like it consists of nothing but broken dreams.

Completely unrelated, I have turned on the comment moderation feature on my blog. The post below got some really nasty comments and I WILL be moderating comments. I welcome comments with differing or opposing views as long as they are not calling me a murderer, horrible mother, or anything else. If you can leave a respectful comment with a differing opinion I will post it. I now have the name of the woman who is leaving these types of comments, and I ask that you please do not respond to her. I don't want to add fuel to the fire and help them to further their cause.

57 comments:

Jill, I found your blog last night and must say I sat at my computer reading it for 4 or 5 hours. My heart breaks for you right now. I know that God has a plan for everything that has happened, but at times it's so hard to understand. There may be answers you will never receive in this lifetime, but I'm praying that the love of your family and friends will help comfort you during the days ahead. Please know that there are countless people who will probably never get the opportunity to meet you face to face in this world who will be touched by reading the beautiful words you have written. Thank you for sharing Joshua's story.

Oh, precious Mother. How my heart bleeds for you. I know this ache all to intimately. What a wonderful thing to know God is there, even when we can't 'feel' His presence. I have, in the last few months, started to see God's hand in my life and throughout the tragic loss of our son. I pray for you daily, urging God to give His comfort and peace. One day, Precious, the whole church will be able to celebrate the glorious new body with which God has blessed Joshua. Until then, we will celebrate the blessing of his life here on earth, and the painless life he's now enjoying at the foot of Christ. I know this doesn't necessarily give you solace right now, but God is good. You are heard in heaven, and He is faithful.

their "cause" is scary. According to their facebook page they all lurk and hunt out things like this online so they can attack with their "point of view" This is very scary because they see nothing wrong in their actions.

You and Joshua are such an amazing example of faith, love and compassion! We've grown to love you so much and will support you and defend you forever!

Jill,You are allowed to be angry when things are not right, you are channeling it well and i lift you up in pray that you can continue to do so. I also look UP to you as a Christian mother. To call you a murderer is beyond my understanding, I watched as you laid on bed rest to keep your son whole, how you fought trial after trial for him, and prayed over him. You Loved him as a mother should, and he loved you. I am SO proud of you for attending church, I beg that you continue to be part of the visible body, we love you and pray for you and your husband and children everyday. The community that is bullying you is giving itself an awful name and reputation. I am appalled. I just think God had a special plan to bring so much attention to your blog to convict people. I can't believe how far your story has spread. Joshua did so much in his life, and touched so many! On another note, You said the Psalms have been close to your heart, i keep thinking of Psalm 34 (taken from, not complete below) 17The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;

he delivers them from all their troubles.

18The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19A righteous man may have many troubles,

but the Lord delivers him from them all;

The Lord is CLOSE or Near those who are brokenhearted. I just think of how Close he is to you right now and it gives me chills. He knows you, he gave his own Son to you, and loves you. I laid in bed and cried for you again last night, I know our children are the Lords, but we love them so much... The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, and yet you say “Blessed be the name of the Lord.” I am in Awe. God Bless you today.

Jill, I too have shared your page with everyone that I can...I have read every word, more than once. I am lifted by your strength and wisdom! I cannot even imagine the pain and suffering your are experiencing right now! I dont know that I could hold my head up or even get out of bed! Your family and friends are amazing people and you are so blessed to have them surrounding you! I pray for you and your family continuliously, and I am NOT a church going person! I know that there is a GOD and a Heaven above, but I dont go to church every week to show my faith! Reading your blog has reminded me once again that GOD is always with us, even if we are not in a pew at a church on Sunday morning. Of course, I question him, how could he take such a precios life? How could he leave you and your family here to go through so much pain? Why did he choose Joshua? WHY? Why? Why? I could just go on and on and on.! Then, I find myself saying...GOD does work in mysterious ways, and always has a plan for all of us! Each and everyone of us...and until the day we are called home, we may not know the answers......and it frustrates me! I, for one, know that I am a little at peace knowing that Joshua has found his place in Heaven, in the loving arms of GOD, and will forever watch over all the ones who love him so dearly! He will never have to experience pain and discomfort, but eternal love and happiness! I wish there was something that I could say to make your journey a little easier, but I know that is impossible, but I did want you to know that Joshua and his family have touched my family and friends, and so many other people, even though his life was brief here on earth, perhaps, that is why GOD chose him, perhaps his job here was to bless all of you and bring strangers out of the dark to send your family prayers and love! ♥

Heard a message today at church and thought immediately of you & Shane.

God uses suffering for our good, but He also uses suffering for the good of others and for His glory. Instant answers never make great stories. I'm proud of the way you've been handling these awful accusations. Trials are God's megaphone, and you're speaking the truth. I love you sister.

My thoughts and prayers are still with you. I know what it's like to have a long absence from Church and be so glad to finally be able to return. I too just wish you could have brought little Joshua with you.

I pray that God and Church will remain a strong pillar in your life. *hugs* to you on this day!

I am very sorry for the loss of your son. As a Catholic, I hope the following meditation might help you. When your heart is breaking beyond what it can ever seem to bear, remember that Jesus' mother Mary also lost her son and felt exactly how you are feeling now. She watched her son go through His passion and death and stood at the cross when he died, so she understoods what you went through and are going through now. She held Jesus in her arms when He was taken down from the cross, just as you held your son. And Mary saw Jesus again after He rose from the dead on Easter morning. That mourning turned into Easter joy. There is always that expectation that like her, you too will see your son again.

I want you to know that I am an intactivist, and all the intactivists I've ever met are good, decent, and loving people. I know that you got some nasty comments from a few people who said they were intactivists, but please consider that perhaps these were from people who really are not, but just wanted to make those of us who are look bad. Many intactivists share in your grief for your child and are praying for you and your family, and I hope that is what you will remember.

I am so sorry for your loss. A woman through babycenter linked your blog, and I just wanted to let you know I'm crying with you.

I've been through miscarriages, but I could not imagine the pain of losing my son. I am outraged that fellow mothers, who may very well have shared in the same pain, could dare to think of slandering you for your beliefs, and what you thought to be in the best interest of your child.

Jill, I have been lifting you up in prayer. I do hope that you continue to blog and glad it is a good outlet for you. I also would understand if you stopped. I just hope that you will send me a friend request first. I have grown to call you my "online friend" I hope to continue that. I am also praying for peace, peace with you and your family.

I started reading your blog just before Joshua's surgery and left some comments then but have been unable to lately, because I can't seem to find the right words, and also because I am astonished beyond all belief at the disgusting comments left by some so-called human beings. As the mom of a CHD daughter, I have walked this road a little bit, but not near as far as you. I have not lost a child. I have also not had the opportunity to stand so firm for my faith, despite the hurtful words being thrown right now, and you are a true witness for Christ. I hope that you find comfort and peace, and know that there are so, so many people who care and support you.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. As a Catholic, I hope the following meditation might be of some help to you when it seems like the pain is too much for you to bear.

Jesus' mother Mary, like you, also lost her son. Mary watched her son go through His passion, as His body was scourged and He endured unbearable pain. She stood at the foot of the cross with Him when he died. When He was taken down from the cross, she held Him in her arms as her heart was breaking. Her mourning turned to joy that Easter morning, when she saw Jesus risen from the dead. Like her, you too can look forward to being reunited with your son one day.

I want you to know that I am an intactivist, and all of the people I know who are intactivists are kind, loving, and gentle people. I know that you received some nasty comments from people who claimed to be intactivists, but please consider that perhaps they came from people who were just trying to make those of us who are intactivists look bad. If that is what you now think of us, then those people have succeeded. We share in your suffering and will continue to pray for you and your family.

I am praying for you!! I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.

And I DO NOT understand what these people are trying to accomplish by bashing you. I don't get it. I know that no matter what the cause, it is just evil to do this to a grieving mother. It is horrific!! I wonder if u might seek legal counsel? Might not be a bad idea. But know that I (and most of civilized society) find this utterly horrendous.

I remember tapioca parties, hair bleaching nights, the "fishguts" newspaper. I have admired your complete surrender in worship, your testimony from Africa, and your interaction with children at camp. Now, I admire you, as a mother.

As I've lurked through your blog over the last several months, I haven't commented, but I've prayed. I'm struggling with what to say. I want to hug you, but that won't help. I wish I could come up with some great theological comment, but a simple faith statement seems inadequate. I thought about getting some "basement guys" together to kick some ass, against hateful people, on your behalf, but I'd like to keep my job. I'm kind of at a loss.

I do know this. Joshua is a Powley. Like his momma and grandparents, he did nothing shyly or quietly. As you and your parents have shared Christ and been a servant to others, Joshua continued your family legacy and might have even one upped you. From the comments I've read, this little guy's short life has impacted so many people, including mine.

Know that, although you may feel empty, God and his people are with you. Know that, although most cannot grasp what you're going through right now, you are not alone. Even in the darkest times, light is still present.

I've been thinking of you and praying for you often over the past several days. I thank God for the good witness you have been with all the unfair negative comments, etc you have been getting. God IS good, but I honestly don't understand His ways. Still, lifting His name in praise for Joshua & praying He can use my heart to lift your family up in perfect prayer.

Hi Jill, I just wanted to let ya know that there are a few new unpleasant comments on the previous post left today if ya wanna get rid of those. Don't worry to much about Dawn, fanatics never get far in the way of their cause. Best thing is to remind yourself of truth and hope each day. When it starts getting really dark and gloomy for you, remember that the sun is gonna rise every morning and God's love increases by the second for you. He'll never give you more than you can handle, believe you can go through this.

Jill,Know that you are thought about daily and I only know you from reading your blog!! I know so many of us will continue to support you! I am all for personal opinions but there is a time and a place this is neither! They are using violence in the form of words to bully you and I hope they realize there so called cause is being lost

There is nothing scary about people who stand up for the rights of children.

You've really painted intactivists with the wrong brush if you think our point is to "attack".

A lot of the people who are saying very mean things are not representing the movement and it's purpose.

Of course we don't "lurk and hunt" for places to attack. We share with friends and family first and foremost, but if given the chance, I see no reason why sharing online could not also create positive change.

This blog has had its share of rude and hateful comments though, to say the least, so I DO get why people are not thrilled about it. But... try reading through the comments again, and notice all of the people leaving caring, thoughtful comments as well. So many of those comments are also from intactivists.

Our only purpose is to try and share information that will keep parents in the future from having to put their children through a surgery that isn't needed. But, obviously at this point in the story, the intactivist community is here simply to show compassion. We are humans too, and our hearts ache for the loss.

Please, reconsider your hatred for those in this movement - because our goal is only to help.

Please know that not all of us who are opposed to circumcision are out to demonize parents who choose it. Had my first child been a boy, we would have chosen to have him circumcised. Four children later, I am deeply opposed to it while still understanding why so many parents still choose it. My point is, I can object to the procedure while still feeling the greatest sorrow for your loss. I get choked up every time I look at little Joshua's picture and cannot help but feel utterly heartbroken. Losing a child is truly the worst thing a parent can experience and you and your family have my deepest sympathies.

Nikki, you tar us all with the same brush. That's unfair. We do not "all lurk and hunt out things like this online so [we] can attack with their "point of view" ". I feel deeply that circumcision is wrong for reasons I see no point in numerating here (they're easily enough found with a little research) but I feel every bit as deeply for a mother who has lost her precious baby and her grief is no place for debate.

In any case, my comment here is not about debating circumcision but only to express my deepest sympathies to you, Jill, and your family and hope that you know that every cause has it's zealots who will give that cause a bad name, but also many more of us who are human beings.

We're still praying. Two days ago my 2-year-old asked me, "Is baby Joshua happy?" And I was able to tell him with complete assurance, "Yes, baby Joshua is happy and he's with Jesus." He asks to pray for you every bedtime.

I am blessed. There is no experience or heartbreak like going to the funeral of an infant. However, where I once said why now I TRUST. Yes, there is so much purpose in his little life and I can even see his purpose clearly in my own. Every child is a miracle. Every child is a blessing. Thank you God for my little girl. Every child has forever changed. Everyone is someone's child. I will forever ponder the miracle in that. Thank you God and thank you Joshua, a beautiful messenger in my life.

Jill, I want you to know that you and your family's story has touched me so deeply... I first read about the passing of your son after seeing it posted on a mutual friend's facebook profile (we went to high school together- i graduated in 2003) and ever since I have been checking your blog regularly and hardly able to get you guys out of my thoughts. I am NOT a Christian (in fact, I don't even believe in "God" in the usual sense) and I'm anti-circ. I want to let you know that you and your son's amazing beautiful story is changing lives universally. Your strength, courage, and honesty have set an amazing example for me and given me courage as a mother. I first read the post about your son's circ (before it was taken down) and I was incredibly moved by your honesty. It is such a shame that you were forced to take it down due to the unwarranted scrutiny, but I just want you to know that as someone who has opposing views than yourself, I read that piece and could not believe how honest you were about your feelings and your guilt. It really hurt me after seeing that you were personally attacked for this honesty. It is obvious to me that anyone who wrote hateful words does NOT have children. My grandmother always says that this is how you spell "mother": "G-U-I-L-T" ... as mothers we tend to feel guilty about every single action we take, we are our harshest critics, and you certainly don't need anyone else trying to take that glory! Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. Thank you for being an amazing example of not just a Christian and a Heart Mom, but also a mother, wife, and human being. You are not alone. Me and my family are sending limitless blessings and prayers your way. Your family and your son's strength of soul and spirit are a constant reminder to never take this life for granted. You have helped me cherish every moment I spend with my beautiful babies. With love from another mama,

My heart is breaking at your great loss. I am so sorry you must go through this, and can only imagine the pain you are in. I had a daughter diagnosed with a rare form of cancer at 9 months of age. We went to hell and back, but 10 years later, she is still with me. I will not pretend to understand your pain, and I hope I never do, but I can imagine it, and it brings tears to my eyes and such a heaviness to my heart. As an atheist, I never prayed to anyone while my daughter was sick, with the exception of saying the rosary (I was raised Catholic). I wasn't praying to any god to take anything from me, but rather I prayed to Mary, woman to woman, as I needed another mother's comfort to help with my own pain. We all find a way to ease our pain. I hope your faith will be of great comfort to you during these difficult times. So much love is coming your way. xox

I can relate to that broken dream. I remember my first visit to church as well and I had the same emotions, but it was as healing as it was emotionally painful. Keep clinging to Him and I'll keep praying.

Jill I have read your blog daily for the last month. I cannot fathom what your going through, I only hope and pray that you and your family can heal in due time. Your Joshua was a beautiful, amazing, and resilient child. You were so blessed to have him in your life if even for a short amount of time. I am so sorry the the inactivists are targeting you, but you are so strong I know you can take them!

I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers. You've been on my mind a lot this weekend. While reading some devotionals I found the verses in them fitting and thought I might share some with you."The Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed" (Deut 31:8).

While I understand people having a passion for a cause...what people are saying is not being passionate, it's being extremely rude and hurtful. It's not the time or place for that right now.

Again today you are in my prayers. I look at my two beautiful children and know I am so blessed. How miserable the hearts must be of anyone who could attack you when your heart is broken. I will pray for their broken hearts. Hold tight to God and remember "be still and know".

I am so sorry for your pain. I know there are no words to take the pain away but there are countless people praying for you and your sweet family. God's Mercies are new every morning and they fail not. He supplies us with the exact amount needed to face each and every day. There won't be any left over but He won't leave us short changed either. Praying for you.

Even though I do not know you, my heart goes out to you as a fellow believer in Christ. Please look up at this time and not "out".....In Christ is your comfort. I can not even imagine the sorrow that you must feel. I will be praying for you and your family.

I can't even imagine the pain/anguish/grief/etc. you must be feeling. I'm praying for you and your family. II Corinthians 1:3-6 says so much - He truly is the God of all Comfort. Lean on Him... (I know you are, so I'm just saying that as an encouragement, not to say that you aren't.)

Jill.. I really don't even know what to say. You are an amazing woman, and I want you to know how proud I am of how you have dealt with everything. I came across your blog while researchin a project for my school. After reading yours and several like it, I've decided to study neonatal care. Moms like you deserve caring, compassionate medical teams. I'm praying for you, and litte Joshua has changed my life!

Jill...I really can't tell you how much your words have meant over the past week. At a time when most women/mothers would be completely devastated...you have shown a true grace I have never seen or felt before. You are an amazing woman and have shown many people...myself included...the goodness of God through an experience no one should have to bear. Thank you and God Bless you and your family.

Jill, I didn't know about your blog until I saw tweets about it, and then I began tweeting because I'm just horrified by the hate directed at you. You did nothing to deserve the venom that has been spewed in your direction. It disturbs me that people would do this to anyone.

I want you to know that there are many, many Moms and bloggers out there who support you. Moderate your comments, delete the vile ones, and know that there's many of us who support you and will speak out.

I usually only lurk at blogs, but your family's story has drawn me in and compelled me to comment. I read your entire blog tonight, knowing what the heartbreaking outcome would be for sweet Joshua. I am so sorry for your loss! Please know that Joshua's short life (and your sharing of his story) has affected many people. He will not be forgotten! I will pray for you and your family, and hope that the coming days and months will only lead to a stronger bond of love and understanding. As hard as it may be, accept the help offered by others! I know I am not being articulate here, but I hope you can feel the love and prayers from those all around the world. God Bless! ~Karen

"Blessed is He in whose hands is the Kingdom, Who has Power over everything, Who has created death and life, so that He might test you as to which among you is the best in deed." Quran Ch. 67 verses 1-2

I've been following Bowen and was directed here through his site. I'm blessed with your honesty and faith in your blogs. I would feel honored to know you. I am so sorry for your loss. I am pained that anyone would do such hurtful things to a grieving mother/family. All the love and positive comments can't erase the hurtful ones but I hope they can be totally overshadowed. May God's abundant love and grace fill you and surround you and comfort you today and in the days ahead.

Thank you for continuing to post, Jill. You are giving all of us many opportunities to grow in our compassion for you and all of God's children. None of us are perfect, so all of us have opportunities to grow and develop as Christians and as human beings, brothers and sisters on a road that can have too much pain for us to bear, and to bare. Thank you for baring and sharing yours. Some of us have not been kind in response. We need to grow, too. It is very hard for some of us to see children hurt and harmed and sometimes killed by adults. When it happens, and it often does, we sometimes lose it. We need to learn, too. We're imperfect, too. But all of us can learn, if we'll try, and keep communicating with each other honestly and compassionately.

I would ask those members of the Intactivist Community, even those who have been wonderfully respectful, to simply refrain from making any comments about the issue. This is not the place for them. You have message boards, you have blogs, you have places where the purpose is to debate this issue. Jill's blog is not. This is a parent who lost her child to a heart defect. She is grieving, she is working through her loss. This is not the place for politics or debating. Please respect this mother and this family and limit your comments only to those of support and love.

Jill, I am so very sorry for everything you have had to endure...the loss of your precious son and the hideous cruelty of those crusaders. I hope that you find the peace and comfort you need in the arms of your church family.

I agree. Very well said, BarnMaven. This momma needs love and support, not all these nasty comments. Have these people no compassion? She's lost a child. No other pain is greater than that. Let her grieve in peace.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I am just heartbroken for you. Please know that there are so many people out there that are praying for you and your family and please just ignore the people who have nothing better to do with their time then kick someone when they are already hurting. Tons of love and prayers coming your way. <3

Oh, Jill! You don't know me, but I was introduced to you and your story by Kristine (Cora's Story). I just wanted you to know that there are many strangers, such as I, who are keeping you and your husband and extended family in our prayers & thoughts. While I know the Lord will hold you close in the palm of His hand, I also know that this is a horribly painful time. While I haven't lost a child of my own, we lost my nephew almost a year ago at birth. So while I don't know how this loss feels as a parent, I do know that, somehow, God will uphold you through your grief and weakness. And while there have been horrible accusations and bitter words from people, please know that you have many supporters out here, as well. Sending love and prayers,Mary

Jill, I am so very sorry for your loss. I cant begin to understand and imagine your pain.

Although I am an intactivist, I wasnt always. Our 2 year old son is circumcised and so I have no room to judge, ever, what someone else decides for their child. Besides, I am first and foremost a Christian and a mother. And because of that, I pray for you every day. I tell my husband how your tragedy has wrecked me, and I dont even personally know you. (We do, however, live in the same town I think. We are in Huntington as well.)

Just know that heaven is being prayed down for you, even from people you dont know.

I was brought to your site by the Hammitt family. I have been following their story and am very touched by both of your stories. I can relate to you alot about many of the things you are saying about grief because i recently lost my mom. I was only 20 at the time and it was so hard because people didnt know what to do or say and it was horrible. All I can say is that you are such an encouragement to me and you are such a strong person. God knows what he is doing although we may not see it and you just have to lean on him. My prayers go out to you and your family.