Aries (March 21-April 19) Happy birthday to some of you. Hope it was a good one. For the rest of you, just bide your time. It is coming up pretty soon. It’s kind of on the calendar to prove it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Ever notice that you’re named after a car? I had a Taurus. It was very reliable, but pretty expensive to own. Unfortunately, it quit on me. I hope you’re not like that. You seem pretty cool.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) Let’s be workout buddies, and work off all the Spring Break fun. I heard your energy really showed over the break. Don’t worry, I won’t tell what happened, but you’re crazy.

Cancer (June 21- July 22) I saw your post on Craigslist. babysitting for only $20 a session. I know you need to make money, but that’s cheap. Anyway, I’m going out Saturday so it would be awesome if you can watch my dogs.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22) Thank you so much for the bacon. It was kind of weird that you kept saying you make the “best bacon ever.” Sounds a little over-confident for someone who bought it pre-cooked.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22) You must stop phoning my parents. They appreciate it, but they don’t need someone calling daily to ask if they need help cleaning the house.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Good job on the show last night. You made everything look amazing, but it might have been a bit too fancy. Let’s be honest, I’ve never seen people drink tea and play chess on their break from classes.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) I understand you’re mad that I didn’t go to your party. But you didn’t need to tag my car and egg my house, since I was at all your other parties this week.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21) Always being a designated driver and letting people crash at your house is really cool of you. Don’t think the whole drawing on faces thing was necessary, but thanks anyway. It was kind of funny.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19) Man, can you party. I think you downed a drum of the good stuff, and you kept going and going. You have props from me, but we might need to slow down the soda drinking a bit.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) It’s kind of funny how your name has aqua in it, seeing as you spend so much time at the beach and pool. We all thought you were going to turn into a dolphin.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20) I’m sorry your Spring Break wasn’t the best. It’s never fun staying in during a vacation, but at least maybe you can leave your house once in a while next year.

The battle is yours. This month we all feast in your glory, oh Aries. Perhaps you could benefit from sharing a toast with somebody deserving. Throwing destructive Scorpio some scraps under the table could gain you a loyal pawn to fit to your designs and spare you the lowly task of wiping their guts from your grieves after squishing them like the bug they are, dare they cross you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, though you believe now is the time to make your move you must look at the board in its entirety. Striking prematurely will only expose your mouth-watering flanks. Look into your enemies eyes and allow them the first mistake, then let loose the herd. Only then shall their shinies be yours.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Where knowledge is power for all, misinformation is king and crowned only by you, Gemini. As the fools scurry about preparing for conflict, should you too make haste in fanning the flames of distrust? Going to bed with all sides until the dust settles is not only the key to your survival, it’s also the only way to enjoy yourself in this tavern of life. Every man dreams of twins, and you shall give them all what they want and deserve, both of your faces and a knife in their back.

Cancer (June 22-July22)

Cancer, intuition tells you that the love you seek cannot exist until this madness subsides. However, your answer to this equation will never be heard until you learn to show your work, slow down and stop with the madness that is your own. Casting your talents aside to rant of evil at all hours is raising questions on your sanity, keeping everyone up at night and putting a juicy target on your back.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

How quick your friends are to change flags when another buys their drinks, Leo. In toppling arrogant Ares two can play that game. Spend coin on Cancer’s laments and you will learn that true leadership lies in consoling your fellows. If you manage to quell your pride the gracious moonchild will gift you in prophecy, and the key to hanging your crown on your head, and a set of horns above the mantle.

Virgo (Aug.23-Sept.22)

Virgo, your many virtues going to waste you are more a tragedy than even your brilliance will allow you to comprehend. Believing the free steins you been receiving all night are paid for by kindness, your noble spirit is only trumped by your disgust in Gemini’s ethics. Failing to see where your value really lays; unless you too hike up the skirt, grab the goatskin and start whispering in ears you will find yourself with your back on the dirty hardwood, staring into the hungry eyes of a dominant fire sign and no one to hear your muffled sobs for help.

Libra (Sept.23-Oct.22)

You have made all the right moves, you have secretly pulled the strings for those around you, and you have profited the most with minimal effort. So why is it, Libra that you feel that hole in you growing deeper as you raise your stein to toast those you care not for? Could that just be it? Have you compromised your true romantic heart for a better position in your peers’ eyes, only to find yourself dining amongst thieves? You take a drink but still cannot wash the bad taste from your mouth. It’s your move, but then again, hasn’t it always been? Better not lose your focus, lest you get trampled under hoof.

Scorpio (Oct.23-Nov.21)

Scorpio, you need no fool to announce you. You are where you are in life strictly by your own merit and that is just a fact everyone else is going have to learn, the hard way preferably. Where emotional Cancer squanders their foresight in lunacy, Pluto helps you adapt while Mars reaffirms your position. You are never caught off balance as you roll with the punches and take the fight to your foes and your allies should they forget their place beneath you.

Sagittarius (Nov.22-Dec.21)

With so many easy targets, Sagittarius you may want to apply your dead eye to more challenging game. Though you are naturally pulled toward Libra your deep passion to be free may leave you not desiring to be tied down just yet. The need to frolic with a less experienced partner will set your sights preying on Virgo’s innocence. Though the mental struggle ensues from the greeting, eventually all lay beneath your charms. The drinks aren’t offering any sanctuary either. Bull’s eye, and you didn’t even break a sweat. You must leave something for the after party.

Capricorn (Dec.22 -Jan.19)

Capricorn, your self-obsession and constant lack of approval for the accomplishments of others have left you grazing in a field all your own. You believe this to be due to your superior work ethic and that is exactly what deceitful Gemini would have you believe. When you nurse others to strength you cannot help but remind them how lost they would be without you. You fail to see the milk has soured until you change this, you will continually expect a parade that will never come.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 -Feb.18)

Unaware that the future lies in that beautiful, rabid fire mind of yours, Aquarius, you’re an enigma even unto yourself. Your bottomless chalice in hand, you sit quietly paving the way for the less fortunate as they destroy themselves and each other with their selfish desires.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

Pisces, although a raving lunatic may not be anybody’s slice of pie when searching for a mate, you can’t necessarily say you have been the most well behaved former lover yourself, can you? Use your combined gifts of premonition to stay one step ahead of the predatory ambitions of others and find what keeps the other happy. This scene was dead a long time ago, but of course you knew that didn’t you?

This will be your best birthday ever, Pisces, and should bring you the best year yet. Embrace it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, you need a vacation. Get your fancy MacBook out and book a flight to anywhere. Just make sure wherever you’re going has yummy drinks and a sun that never quits shining.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I get the sense, Taurus, that you’ve had a rough start to your year. So just in case somebody hasn’t already told you, you’re awesome. Whatever happens, keep that smile shining.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Gemini, you’re so well rounded. If you ever find yourself having a bad day, just be happy you’re not a square.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

Cancer, if life throws anything your way, I have a feeling it will only be good things, like puppies in pajamas and gallons of ice cream. Odd combo, yes, but still fantastic.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

You’ve always been adventurous, what happened? Get out there, Leo. Let the mountains hear your roar, the road see your foot prints and the world feel your presence.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

You’ve been working so hard, Virgo. It’s time you put your feet up and put the weight of the world down. Go grab yourself an extra-large pizza and a pint of your favorite ice cream, then turn on some Netflix.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I just looked into my crystal ball and it said good things are coming your way. Not just any kind of good thing, either. It will be something that combines these words: fantastic, glorious and perfect.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Don’t be so hard on yourself, Scorpio. If life was meant to be taken so seriously, there would be a final exam. That’s not the case, so learn to relax a bit more.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec.21)

Pay more attention to the little things in life, Sagittarius. You’re missing out on a whole lot of beauty. Life isn’t a race don’t rush so much.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan.19)

Oh Capricorn, it’s really OK if you don’t have everything in your life perfectly together and planned out. I guarantee nobody around you does either.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Someone will be doing dinner for one on Valentine’s Day. Look on the bright side: It will be cheaper. You can still do the two-for-20 deal, it will just be a two-for-20 for one.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Look, the only chocolate you’ll be getting is the box you buy for yourself on the day after Valentine’s Day. That’s not a bad thing — 50 percent off candy will make you feel better.

Aries
(March 21-April 19)
You and your mom can go out on Feb. 14. It wouldn’t be the first time, I bet. You pretty much took her to prom as well, didn’t you?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Just like the Dez Bryant controversy in Green Bay, you’re not a catch. And just like Cowboys fans, you’re probably crying about that.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The gem in Gemini doesn’t refer to you. Gems are pretty to look at, and unfortunately you aren’t. You are more of rock, and pretty dull.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)
Seriously? Look at your zodiac sign name and use that for a way to describe your love life. That’s if you can read it. You’re one IQ point away from being considered a sheep.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
You’ll definitely be more kitten than lion this Valentine’s Day. The only roar you’ll make is from behind your computer screen. I bet you still have MySpace. That’s kind of sad, dude

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
Roses are red, violets are blue, guess what, no one likes you. Well, maybe your mom but last time I mentioned you she changed subjects.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Check to see if Farmersonly.com has some discounts this week. That, or ask some Cancers out. They might be goofy enough to say yes. Another thing you might like is that Cancer is considered a sheep.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’re a paper bag away from being passable. Look to see if your local supermarket can supply you one. That’s if they let you in. I would suggest you send a friend to get the bag, but we both know your friend count is zero.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I find it funny that someone like you gets a date, even if is just a cutout of someone else. But then again, it is more action than your are getting.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’re the only one in this bunchthat I would take out for Valentine’s Day. Just letting you know, that’s nothing to brag about. Have you seen what I said about the rest? P.S., you’re a solid four.

Happy birthday! How’s it feel to be another year older? It’s your party, and you can cry if you want to. I predict you’ll be crying a lot.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

Virgo and Scorpio have it out for you. Instead of making amends, hunt them down and get them before they get you.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You don’t believe in these things, so why are you bothering now? It’s because you’re at the end of your rope and hoping the universe will tell you how to make correct choices in your life.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your “relationship,” or at least what you tell friends and family you have, is going south fast. You did this to yourself, Taurus, so strap in and get ready to go for a ride. It won’t be pretty.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Much like a cinnamon roll, you’re in a pretty sticky situation right now. However, you can eat your way out. Just don’t expect to emerge without a bit of weight gain.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

You’re the winner of the cosmos, with amazing times ahead. Your immediate future includes relationship highs, financial gain and academic praise. You just need to finally apply yourself to attain these astrological gifts.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

You are stuck in a world of lies right now, but you and those who are close to you can reach out to the truth and grab it. Most of all, Leo, you need to be true to yourself.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

You better get those Pisces. You know what they did to you and they need to pay. Thankfully, you are just the one to dish out well-deserved justice.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Buy a boat. No astrological ambiguity, you just straight up need to go buy a boat. We all know you’ve wanted one for a while, so get it this weekend.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You curse your sudden, but inevitable, betrayal from those Pisces snakes in the grass. You need to get them back. Unfortunately, you can’t really handle difficult situations.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Always bring a banana to a party and always protect your cabbages. Hey, not all advice is straightforward but some of you might get what we mean. The stars have spoken!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

Make changes in your love life if you wish to stay with your significant other, for the better and worse of us all. Just because you have troubles in your love life, doesn’t mean you have to tell the rest of us.

Do you smell that, Scorpio? That’s the smell of old age and a freshly baked birthday cake. Eat the whole cake – you need to bury your “getting old” sorrows somehow.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

If you play your cards right, my little Sagittarius friend, you might find that king or queen you’ve been looking for. Let’s just hope you hit the jackpot with this one.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You must learn to indulge a little, Capricorn, so don’t worry about all the looks you receive when your credit card is declined. That shopping spree was totally worth it.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

We get it, Aquarius, you want to save the world. You’re not a superhero though. Why not enjoy a relaxing movie and fresh popcorn for once? The world will still need saving when the movie is over.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Wash your hair, put on your best outfit and take yourself on a date. You deserve to be wined and dined, Pisces, even if you’re the one holding open doors and paying the tab.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’ve been so busy lately with school and work, Aries. It’s time to put the books away and sleep all day. You need some beauty rest.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

We can tell you stuffed your face with all that half-priced Halloween candy, Taurus. I know it was delicious but the gym is calling your name now.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Stop worrying so much about what other people say, Gemini. They probably aren’t as well-spoken as you. Besides, you just don’t have time for that nonsense.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

We all know you’re lying when you say, “just one more episode.” Learn to be honest with yourself and the people around you, Cancer. It’s never just one more episode.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’ve always been the loudest and most energetic, Leo, but your friends are tired and their ears are starting to hurt. Stay home for once. You don’t want your friends to go deaf, now do you?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Stop spending so much time planning your Pinterest wedding and go out on a real date, Virgo. It can’t be an ideal wedding if only your cats are in attendance.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Oh Libra, I’d tell you to stop and smell the flowers but I know how much you hate them. Instead, I’m going to tell you to stop and taste the beers. Maybe after a few, you’ll learn to love those damn flowers.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’re in need of some spiritual and celestial healing. Don’t let the pressures of society mask the real person. When your being is tired, exercise your soul.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The best things that can happen to you will happen if you lower your expectations. Sometimes you just need to be realistic. Still, you’re an awesome person.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Don’t let the expectations you’ve set for yourself fall and crumple like the leaves in autumn. Just chill out and take a breather now and then. Besides, cooler weather should help with your hot headedness.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
It’s important for you to play your position and know your role. If you have teams, then represent your team, but if you happen to be a free agent, represent yourself. No shame in that.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You can’t search the depths of others without first searching the depths of yourself. Look up to the stars for guidance. It’s difficult to open the door to the future without the proper cosmic key.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
College life is kind of like a cross-country meet. Everybody runs the same course, everyone goes through similar obstacles and similar pain, but we’re all running to a finish line. Some just finish faster than others.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Find the whimsical nature that was once synonymous with you, but don’t go all Willy Wonka on us. Simply try to find enjoyment in everyday situations. Don’t be so grumpy all the time!

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
If you don’t believe in yourself, nobody else ever will. Be the hero you want others to see you as. It’s not science fiction, it’s science faction.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’re the captain of your own voyage. Your faith will return just as surely as the sun will rise. It seems like a long shot, I know, but it’ll work out.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
If you feel that nobody in the world understands you, then maybe it’s time to change your world. We can’t change our world unless we change ourselves.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
A wise man once said that everything happens for a reason. Take solace in these words. As the seasons transition into sweater weather, be a warm heart for those lost in the cold.

You’ll be very indecisive these next few weeks, Libra. You should probably stop stressing about your Halloween costume or what party you will attend.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

This next month will bring you plenty of wealth, Scorpio. That’s because the only thing you will be spending your money on is Halloween candy.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You may have been feeling sad lately, Sagittarius, but cheer up. Your birthday and Christmas are so close together that you may get double the gifts if you are lucky. Or it could be completely opposite and that would suck.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

I can tell you will be feeling loving these next few weeks. That’s great. Maybe you should be like that more often, Capricorn.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Don’t work yourself up about love or finding someone, Aquarius. They will come to you. If they don’t, make yourself feel better by eating Halloween candy.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You have a hard time trusting people, Pisces. You should let your guard down. Maybe then you will have some friends for once.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Stop complaining about everything you dislike. Quite frankly, Aries, no one you are venting to cares. They’re just nodding their head to act like they do.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Learn how to manage your money, Taurus. Stop spending every paycheck at a restaurant. Yes, places that have value menus are considered restaurants too.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Find a new hobby, Gemini. The one you have now makes you so boring. Let me tell you, no one likes a boring person.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

Start focusing more on your school work and less on yourself, Cancer. You would be surprised what you could learn if you thought about someone other than yourself for once.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Stop being so uptight, Leo. Learn to loosen up. You might actually have fun for once instead of always following the rules.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Don’t be so down, Virgo. I know your birthday just passed but it’ll be back in another year.

Happy birthday, Libra. I can’t tell you if you’ll make it to the next one. Oh wait, yes I can. I’m psychic. Don’t count on it.

Scorpio

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You recently picked up a new obsession. Everyone is glad you got over your previous obsession, but now this new obsession gets on their nerves. It’s a vicious cycle that you will take no action to prevent.

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Stop being bore to the core and be someone to adore or abhor. Anything that won’t make people snore.

Capricorn

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You’re all right with the world, Capricorn. Unless you’re not. Nothing is absolute. Everything can happen.

Aquarius

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Everyone knows what you’re going to do and everyone agrees you shouldn’t. Please, for the love of dogs. Don’t do it.

Pisces

(Feb. 19-March 20)

You half-ass everything, Pisces. Just like the universe half-cares what happens in your future.

Aries

(March 21-April 19)

People often respond to you with disinterest. Just because it is about you does not make it interesting.

Taurus

(April 20-May 20)

You’ve been sitting around in your underwear for too long. Do something, even if it’s just putting on pants. Then celebrate your accomplishments by sleeping.

Gemini

(May 21-June 21)

Sushi or Mexican? What you eat today has little to do with your certain death. Unless you die of a horrendous case of food poisoning. Then neither would be the answer.

Cancer

(June 22-July 22)

You often find yourself thinking other people are talking bad about you behind your back. They’re not. Nobody cares enough.

Leo

(July 23-Aug. 22)

You’ve been searching hard for the meaning of life. Try looking somewhere other than your mirror.

Virgo

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Your skepticism is unwarranted. Expect an unfriendly visit from extraterrestrial life forms. If you deny it happened, it’s only because you don’t remember.

You will soon get out of a situation that you definitely were not put into. But you might want to get your boxing gloves ready because it’s going to be a tough one.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

There’s a dream you’re trying to reach but it seems too unreal. Stop making things so difficult and grab that ladder in your garage. Climb it and go get it!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Seems that you have lost sight of your original goal but it’s meant to be that way. That doesn’t mean you gave up. It’s obviously an outdated goal that didn’t want you anymore.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

A new start in a relationship is on the way. You are handed a chance for something new every day you wake up. Don’t be surprised when that new someone knocks on your door. You’re not asleep, so you better answer it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

The money you’ll soon encounter may bring problems. Maybe you’re the lucky one this time. But like Biggie Smalls said, “It’s like the more money we come across the more problems we see.”

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

New opportunities are soon to come but you must learn to let them stir around you. If you do that, you may look at things differently. That will help you know what to do. Here’s a tip: Paint a picture. It might help you see things in another perspective.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

You’re putting way too much effort into a relationship with someone who isn’t giving anything in return. If he/she hasn’t put a ring on it and you’re making him/her sandwiches every night, then it’s time for you to leave.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Difficult situations are bothering you extremely right now and you think you know what’s wrong. The best thing is to talk to someone you trust for worthy advice or guidance. You aren’t a super hero, so stop trying to do it alone and find that sidekick.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Pay attention to the little things. You’re too busy worrying about the big details when you might be missing the small ones that turn into big problems. Unless you don’t care about dealing with problems, math isn’t everyone’s favorite but it might be yours.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

A certain thought or fear is driving you crazy! You can’t seem to let go of this but you’re stronger than you think. You’re a warrior, so grab your sword and fight back.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

It is time to start enjoying yourself and acting carefree. You deserve to do nice things for yourself and not for everyone who screams “give me.” Hit the club, go to Vegas. Like the young kids say, “Turn down for what”?

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

Something big is coming your way that can change everything for the best. It might be something meaningful that you have been hoping for. You’re adding another star to your sky, so make room for this one.