Sibling rivalry is a challenge for any parent. The eternal sound of one child yelling, “He hit me” or “I want that” can grate on your nerves faster than the sound of nails scraping down a chalkboard. Sibling rivalry is completely natural, however. It’s normal for most children to argue until they are well into adulthood (and even then, some siblings still don’t get along). Calming the tensions of rivalry among siblings can be difficult, but there are ways to deal with it.

Remember: Fighting Is Normal

In any healthy home that consists of more than one child, you will find some degree of sibling rivalry. However, sibling rivalry is much more common in an unhealthy or stressful home. Maybe mom and dad fight a lot, or maybe there is an abusive situation occurring. It is times like this where children cling to each other for support and comfort. It makes sense then that sibling rivalry is healthy and something that you should not be concerned about, no matter how annoying it can be. However, if one child is acting out violently or consistently, there may be underlying issues that you need to address.

Usually the rivalry begins soon after a second child is born into the family. If the older child is significantly older than the newborn (three or four years older or more) they may take on the role of a surrogate parent. The older child may rush around, happy to get diapers and help make bottles. He or she might delight in making the baby smile or getting the baby a toy without any indication of sibling rivalry.

Do not expect this to last, however. As the newborn grows first into a baby, then into a toddler, the older child starts worrying about their place in your affections and that’s when the fighting usually starts. As a parent, you can help to calm your child’s fear by assuring the older child often that you love him or her.

Sometimes, if the children are close in age, the fighting begins right from the start. Children who are only a year or two older may start regressing in their skills. An 18-month-old who has been weaned off the bottle may suddenly scream for one, or a 2-year-old who is potty trained may suddenly need a diaper again. Children do not do this because they think the newborn has it so much better than they do, they do it because they see what a huge amount of time it takes to care of a newborn and they think that if they act similarly, they will get more attention.

The age at which you will start noticing your children squabbling varies from child to child, and the reasons may be diverse. Here are some of the things that are bound to start fights:

The child feels like he or she is getting an unequal amount of your attention, even if this is untrue. He or she may simply be used to all of your attention.

Children may not know positive ways to get attention from their brother or sister, so they pick fights.

Hunger, boredom, or tiredness can also contribute to sibling rivalry. The more uncomfortable or bored a child is, the more likely they are to cause trouble.

Stress in the child’s life, such as from school or extracurricular activities, can also increase the amount of fighting.

Fighting is Good

Sibling rivalry is, in all actuality, a way to teach some of the biggest lessons in life, such as sharing, compassion, conflict resolution, compromise and patience. This is not to say that a child who has grown up without siblings will suffer, but often, if he or she is not socialized outside of the home before kindergarten starts, the child may have a rough time adjusting. It might be hard to look at your fighting children as a blessing, but if handled appropriately, small amounts of sibling rivalry can help your children to learn important lessons in life. Simply make sure that this sibling rivalry isn’t going too far as to include other children, by talking to your child’s teachers or day care providers. If your child is acting out during school or fighting with friends, it is important to talk to him or her about it.

So what do you do when your children start fighting? First of all, do not police every battle your children have. Sometimes children need to learn to work out arguments on their own. If you “make” your child apologize, it may not be sincere.

Learn when to step in and when not to. If you hear mean words being tossed around, it might raise your parenting instincts, but try to quiet them. Words are not as harmful as fists. There will be time to talk to the children later, after you see how the conflict resolves itself. If you step in when they are squabbling, they might become dependant on you to referee the situation every time. You should definitely take control of the battle when you see physical violence, however. Hitting is never okay and your children need to know that.

Fighting Fights

While it is good that children learn the important lessons that sibling rivalry can teach, it is also important that you try to stop fights before they occur.

Set ground rules. Make it clear: there will be no punching, no hitting, no kicking, no yelling, no name calling and no slamming doors.

Set consequences for breaking the rules. Having set punishments teaches your children that they are responsible for their own actions, regardless of who “started it.”

Make sure that each child has some alone time. Everyone needs time to decompress and relax.

Have fun together as a family. The more you throw a ball together or play board games together, the more the siblings learn to get along better.

Make sure that each child knows that your love for him or her does not have limits.

Teach your children that the world isn’t always fair. There are times when one child needs something more than the other and he or she will get it. Instead of fighting, try to teach your children to understand that next time, his or her needs will come first instead.

Do your best to give each child some time alone with you. This makes your child feel special and opens up the door for some dialogue between the two of you.

If your children fight over the same thing, like television or computer privileges, set a schedule that they must follow. If the schedule doesn’t work, remove the thing they are fighting over.

While some fighting is normal and healthy, there can be times when sibling rivalry is dangerous. If the fighting leads to severe physical violence, psychological distress, or marital problems between you and your spouse, then it is time to seek professional help. Your pediatrician or family doctor will be able to point you in the right direction.

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