I slept HORRIBLY last night. Just horribly. I cannot think of a reason why - it felt like insomnia, through and through. I had nothing on my mind. I had gotten up at a reasonable hour yesterday a.m. I had a slight stomachache, which may have had something to do with it. I ended up going out onto the couch - just hoping that a change of venue would help.

I remember when I was a kid (teen) and had trouble sleeping now and again, I would switch my head to the foot of my bed, b/c sometimes, just a break in the tossing and turning in the same damn spot helped. I can't really do that when sharing a bed with another adult. So I went out to the couch. Where I don't sleep well in general ... but at least I slept at all.

Beloved and I keep having to re-write our plans for the whole knot-tying event. This is its third version, I believe? I had to cry uncle, financially, on a trip to Niagara. Kids are expensive, ex's who don't pay child support on time increase the burden, and I just don't see us having an extra THOUSAND dollars (at the very least ... that's just the hotel and airfare) to go to Niagara Falls in a month.

So now we're hoping to go back to our first date - February 2 - and go to Cape Cod to have a Justice of the Peace do it for us. Kids will still come, we will drive instead of fly, and perhaps stay one night, rather than two. Details have yet to be worked out, though. Stay tuned.

This offends my mother. The idea of Beloved and I going and getting married elsewhere without fanfare or, most importantly, guests. In some ways, I feel badly for her. I know she wants to be included, and I'm sure it's hard for her that she can't be. But I don't feel that I need to include her. And I'm not going to. My mother has an increasing habit of taking things over. Of deciding what "needs" to be done, when in fact, it is only a statement of her own preferences. Furthermore, I am not interested in her disapproval of the fact that our ceremony will have not a single DROP of god in it.

She's actually already made it known what I "need" to be doing - I "need" to go to my home town (where she lives) and get married at the park near the house, by a waterfall:

what? didn't I say I wanted to get married near a water fall? Oh, I guess I forgot to say I meant this:

A wee bit of a difference, no?

And I "need" to be married by her pastor (ex soap opera star gone born-again), and I "need" to have a party with all of her brothers, sisters, wives, husbands and kids afterward.

My mom has lost track of my "needs" over time, and somehow morphed them into her own.

Almost as frustrating as her declarations that I "need" a house with a study, 5 bedrooms, and 15 closets. Oh, and a yard. I am just as quick to say that I am sick and tired of my small space, and of my kids sharing a room, and of not having anywhere to put my 10,000 pairs or shoes or 5,000 bags. But I understand that what I *need* is a place that my family and I are comfortable, that we are warm, and safe, and happy. We need beds, and we need food. We have all those things. I WANT a bigger home. I don't NEED one.

Now I feel bad for complaining about my Mom. I am probably being ultra-defensive, knowing that it hurts her feelings that we ARE doing this wedding-thing on our own. She did make comments as to who would be our witness -- to the ceremony -- "some stranger off the street?" I'm probably also very sensitive to the fact that this entire situation highlights the ideological differences between my parents and myself. That's what makes me so sure that I do want to do it on our own. I don't want our vows to become something that makes people all weepy, or that people throw confetti at. It's not how I see this. It's not a giant validation of my relationship "in the eyes of the Lord" as it will be to my mother/parents. I don't want to have people sighing in relief that their daughter is no longer "living in sin" and that their granddaughters are no longer being given the world's vilest example.

I also feel that my mom will probably stumble across the blog eventually, and I really don't want to be unfair to her. She really has been quite supportive of Beloved and I - both my parents have been - despite the fact that they do not understand our decisions and way of thinking. They have been very accepting of him and our relationship as it is. They know that they do not have the experiences that I do (i.e., failed marriage and divorce), and I think they've tried very hard.

I guess it just comes down to a recognition that I feel guilty, but not enough to change my plans or my mind.