When our son was born about a year ago, I gave up a lot of
things. Including pwning people.

For the
uninitiated, “pwning” is a gamer term to describe removing your opponent from
the field of battle with particular flair. For instance, if you’re playing Halo
on Xbox and stick a plasma grenade to someone’s back, that person has been
pwned once they go kablooey.

But, it’s
been so long since I picked up a controller that I don’t actually know if they
call it “pwning” anymore.
Faced with the time crunch that comes with a new baby, I purposefully stopped
playing video games, riding the Metro and involving myself in similar time
sucks. My goal was to squeeze additional minutes out of my day, but this first
round of cuts wasn’t enough.

In search
of more quality time, I’ve tried everything, and the most effective tactic I’ve
found to gaining more time is targeted apathy.

I used to
try to stay up on new music. Now? I recently learned I’ve been pronouncing
Skrillex’s name “Skill-rex” this whole time, and I don’t really care if that’s
not how you say it. I’m told he’s very popular. He makes music that sounds like
a dial up modem, right? Wait. Don’t tell me. I’m just not going to make the
time to care.

Also, I
don’t know what a “Demi Lovato” is. I hear those two words together, but what
are they? An Italian energy drink? A new dance move? Should I be concerned
about a volcano erupting? Are villagers somewhere running in fear because Demi
Lovato is smoldering? Unless it’s the volcano thing, I won’t devote time to
learning more.

Same with
politics, something I used to follow closely. I deeply care about issues, but I
don’t have the time to figure out where each of the 194 presidential candidates
stand or fact check claims that President Obama traveled through time and built
the Leaning Tower of Pisa to contact 12-armed communist aliens (I’m guessing
that one’s false).

I only get
one vote, and even the presidential primaries are months away, much less the
general election. Instead of caring about the election now, my wife and I are
spending our time watching our son learn new things at lightning speed. Do you
remember the scene from the original Jurassic Park where Dr. Grant says they’re
safe unless the velociraptors figure out how to open doors, and then the
raptors IMMEDIATELY open the door? That’s my son, except replace “opening
doors” with “reaching the knobs on the stove” or “climbing up the stairs.”

Come to
think of it, he’s probably a week away from opening doors. That’ll be fun.

No, I
didn’t see that think piece on millennials. No, I don’t care if a hot dog is a
sandwich, or if you can put peas in guacamole, or any of that. Yes, I did see
your post on Facebook, but I quickly moved past it so I could see more adorable
pictures of my son and his friends. Your pithy comments about your terrible
football team are no match for my son and his friends in bear costumes on
Halloween.

Sometimes
I get frustrated, because at one time all of the things I cut brought value to
my life. I enjoyed playing video games and following music and politics
closely, and I appreciated hearing different views on the issues of the day.
But choices have to be made, and the laws of time and space being what they
are, something has to go on the chopping block.

For now,
it’s reading “Moo Baa La La La” on the couch instead of getting lit up by some
middle schoolers on Xbox. It’s getting lunches and sippies ready instead of
watching the debates. It’s identifying my priorities and trying to move in that
direction, rather than trying to do everything and missing out on much of it.

It’s being
okay with moving at a slower speed. If this was a water park, I understand that
I’m a lazy river person now. I’m hanging out in my tube, watching people ping
pong between water slides and go to the deep end of the wave pool to see how
long they can tread water.

You guys
have fun. I’m gonna chill here. With this human I helped make. Just floating
along.

Bobby McMahon is a writer and reporter in the Washington D.C.
area. He writes about parenting, pop culture and other worthwhile endeavors.