I was once in love but I was in love with someone who didn’t know what love was, someone who was able to easily lie, cheat and manipulate to a level I’ve never seen before and hope to never see again.

When I say this is not just ‘fuck boy’ behaviour you either had to have been there, as some of my close friends reading this were, or just take my word for it. I used to bring home beer most nights in the hope it would have some positive effect on his mood, he would storm out of restaurants over the smallest things like I was taking too long to pay and he wanted to leave; scream at me that I was a cunt in the street for agreeing with him too much at an event we had attended; and when I stood up for myself (which I did) he would threaten to leave, go on solo drug binges and get his validation from any girl around him, then tell me I expected too much of him and how tortuous the life he had led before me was.

When I finally left he continued to manipulate me, posting pictures of me on social media, he cried his eyes out sitting two feet away from me telling me we would never find anything like what we had, the idea of dating other people made him ill, all the while he already had a holiday booked with a girl 15 years his junior and not much older than his niece.

It took me over a year to call what happened to me abuse, he never hit me but he systematically and expertly took apart each and every part of my mental well-being to the point that if he told me the grass was purple I would’ve believed him. I didn’t know then what gaslighting was; mental abuse; narcissism, these were all abstract terms that didn’t apply to me and rather than it being ‘over’ when I left, I was left totally empty, my adrenaline levels were completely out of whack, and I felt numb and completely unable to rebuild. I still have days when I question if any of this really happened, if I’m exaggerating the situation, maybe I did do something wrong and expected too much. I only got through it, and continue to do so, with therapy and some of the best friends anyone could wish for. I was lucky.

I wrote this because I never recognised this as abuse, I never thought I’d share this story beyond my inner circle but violence comes in many forms and mental abuse is abuse. I urge you if you recognise any of these behaviours or find yourself constantly covering up or lying about how things are in your relationship to seek help, talk to a friend and hopefully start the very long, slow, but oh so worth it road to recovery.

Thank you to everyone who turned up and continues to turn up. You know who you are.

At Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline we won’t put pressure on you, or tell you what to do. We know it isn’t always easy to pick up the phone. When you call the helpline, your call will be answered by fully trained call handlers who have lots of experience supporting people affected by domestic abuse and forced marriage.

You don’t need to know what to say, just know that we believe you, and we are here for you.

What you up to this Sunday? In need of a feminist afternoon-off? We’ve teamed up with the Young Women’s Movement and the Filmhouse to deliver exactly that.

Once your eyes are open to sexism, inequality and gender-based violence it’s near impossible to close them again. From Hollywood to Holyrood; stories of power and abuses of said power have dominated the headlines in 2018. If this past year has showed us anything, it’s that in amongst the sea of misogyny it can be hard to stay afloat.

Join us this 16 Days of Action for a feminist afternoon-off with a showing of a classic – Thelma and Louise followed by a discussion about self-care in the context of smashing the patriarchy with some special guests.

Self-care shouldn’t cost money so we’ve set aside some free tickets for this event. If you’d like one just email patrycja@ywcascotland.org.

]]>https://womensaid.scot/two-minutes-fatima/feed/0Why She Doesn’t Just Leavehttps://womensaid.scot/why-she-doesnt-just-leave/
https://womensaid.scot/why-she-doesnt-just-leave/#respondThu, 08 Nov 2018 14:28:28 +0000https://womensaid.scot/?p=3050Continue Reading Why She Doesn’t Just Leave]]>One of the questions we’re most often asked is why women don’t just leave. It’s not meant to sound bad, but as well as taking the responsibility for the abuse away from the perpetrator, it implies leaving somehow easy. It isn’t. Not only is it often really, really hard, but it’s also the most dangerous time for women.

This is a blog written by a Call Handler on Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline. It’s a scenario based on collection of stories from helpline calls and we hope it makes readers stop and think before asking the question.

When Mum told me my sister was being abused by her husband, I didn’t understand what she meant. From the outside it looks like she has the perfect family, a great marriage. And then Mum told me what was going on behind closed doors.

Horrified I asked, ‘Why doesn’t she just leave?

Well, where would she go? She’s got no money, me and dad can’t afford a hotel or a new place for her, I wish we could. If she comes here, he’ll know and he’ll follow her, and if she leaves the kids with me and runs away…well, she just wouldn’t. And it’s his name on their lease, he made sure of that, I remember.

She told me not to, but I phoned the Council about housing and they said they could get her and the kids a B&B or something in the short-term but it could be anywhere. Seriously, anywhere. And anything longer would depend on so many things, like where’s best for the kids, what’s available and where, and how she’d pay for it all. But she’d have to call them or go in to see them, and she absolutely will not.

And it would be so hard to move the kids out of school and away from their friends. They’re doing so well, and I’m nearby which is handy for childcare and emergencies. She thinks she and the kids are safer where they are, because he said he’d never touch them, but if she leaves, she thinks he’ll follow her and hurt her, and he’ll get the kids whatever happens.

And he’s got so much control, it’s like she is scared to do anything. She’s not even allowed to buy anything at the shops unless he’s given permission. Even then he still has a go. And she won’t admit it, not properly. She told me stuff that he’s done and said, but when I try to talk to her about leaving or even speaking to someone about it, she makes a joke of it, or gets angry and just shuts down. I can’t force her. She’s had enough of being forced into things.

It’s hard enough just getting through each day. The idea of planning some great escape is way too much for her. He’s made her believe she’s useless and disgusting so she’s actually grateful that he claims to love her so much. But that’s not how you treat someone you love.

And because she’s still working and allowed – allowed! – to see me, she doesn’t see that she’s being controlled, or doesn’t want to see, even though she broke down yesterday and was pleading with me to help her. She hates herself, blames herself for not ‘being stronger’. She’s working so hard to keep the kids safe but it’s like she’s always walking on eggshells, she doesn’t know what will set him off. But this is her life and she has to live with it, that’s what she said.

And I can’t call the police because he’s a devious so-and-so. He’s had us fooled long enough and he’s well known in the town, she doesn’t think anyone will believe her. I mentioned the police and she freaked out. She wants him to stop, for things to go back to how they used to be, but she doesn’t want to call the police. She is scared it will ruin his life. She just wants it to stop.

‘Just leave?’ There’s no just about it.

At Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline we understand leaving isn’t an easy option. We know you might not want to, and we know it is not always safe to. We won’t judge you, or tell you what to do, we’re just here to listen.

Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is open 24/7 on 0800 027 1234 for anyone affected by domestic abuse. Find out more at www.sdafmh.org.uk.

And as we see people piling on to be outraged at the wearing of the burka because ‘it hides the bruises from abusers’, there are some things that we, as Scotland’s leading domestic abuse organisation, want to clear up.

So here’s 6 things to remember if you are thinking of taking to Twitter to take part in this conversation:

Domestic abuse is an ongoing pattern of controlling and coercive behaviour that can – but does not always – include physical violence. Reducing domestic abuse to bruises ignores the majority of women’s experiences and prevents women from seeking support.

Abusive men telling women what to wear is something we hear about A LOT from survivors. Abusers regularly control their partners’ clothes, movements, access to food, drink, contraception, friends, family, employment, healthcare, money… the list goes on. The common denominator here is not the type of clothing victim-survivors are told to wear (be it shorts, jeans, shirts, shoes or a burka) but the abuse of power by the perpetrator.

Most abusers are pretty smart. Domestic abuse is not a loss of control but an exercise of control. When abusers do leave bruises, they rarely are somewhere visible, no matter what the victim is wearing.

The idea that religious clothing is somehow facilitating domestic abuse conveniently ignores the fact that domestic abuse is happening in every single community across Scotland and beyond. Abuse is perpetrated and experienced by people of all faiths and none, in rural and urban areas, by people who love football and people who hate it, in the heat and the cold, the winter and the summer. The biggest risk factor and the thing most likely to increase your chances of experiencing domestic abuse is being a woman. This is about gender, not headwear.

This is a question of choice. We firmly believe that no woman should be forced to do or wear anything that she does not want to. Those who claim that the Government should force women not to wear the burka in the name of freedom are hypocrites. What an irony it is that those who claim they want to liberate women from the control of others plan to do so by imposing their own idea of what women should wear.

When Islamophobia and racism surge in our communities, all those with a voice and a platform must stand in solidarity with those targeted. The tactics abusive men use to perpetrate domestic abuse do vary based on community, on family patterns, on cultural pressures, on all kinds of personal circumstances. These same circumstances influence women’s perceptions of whether they will get the right response if they seek help. Blaming domestic abuse on burkas does nothing to support women who are experiencing domestic abuse and nothing to hold abusive men to account for their behaviour.

This is a conversation so often aimed at Muslim women, women who are so consistently silenced by racism and sexism in our society, which means that those with the greatest expertise are consistently denied a voice and a platform. This has to change.

If you are a Muslim woman who wants to write about this topic or about any issue related to domestic abuse, we’d love to talk with you about doing a guest blog and having your piece featured on our website and social media. Please get in touch!

“It’s Not About the Burqa doesn’t claim to speak for a faith or a group of people, because it’s time the world realized that Muslim women are not a monolith. It’s time the world listened to them.”

]]>https://womensaid.scot/dont-blame-it-on-the-burka/feed/0Guest Blog: Never Vera Bluehttps://womensaid.scot/guest-blog-never-vera-blue/
https://womensaid.scot/guest-blog-never-vera-blue/#respondFri, 10 Aug 2018 10:48:09 +0000http://womensaid.scot/?p=2771Continue Reading Guest Blog: Never Vera Blue]]>Futures Theatre are proud to be partnering with Scottish Women’s Aid to bring their new production Never Vera Blue to the 2018 Edinburgh Festival.

The play is the second commission from Futures creative engagement programme An Alternative Life which we delivered from 2015 to 2017. During 2016 we worked in partnership the Gaia Centre (run by Refuge) in Lambeth, London, engaging with a phenomenal group of women who were all survivors of domestic abuse. We invited top female artists to deliver short courses throughout the year which resulted in the group writing a song and poetry, recording a podcast and making a short film. We recognised the vital work of front line services and wanted to use our resources to add value to their work; An Alternative Life allowed women to grow in confidence and develop skills in order to live full lives. We passionately believe in the value of working creatively with women who have experienced trauma:

“Creative work is a really safe way of trying out, taking risks and realising what you can and can’t do and just waking up all those bits of the brain that have been all cramped up” – Participant, 2016.

Playwright Alexandra Wood was commissioned to work with the group throughout the year and write a play informed and inspired by their stories and experiences. Never Vera Blue is an extraordinary response and wrestles with the question which angered and frustrated our participants ‘Why doesn’t she just leave?’ Alexandra wrote a multi layered script which interrogates this question with empathy and understanding. We invited women participating to come on the journey of this production with us; from initial readings of the script to rehearsals to full production. We were joined by women for a London preview at Camden People’s Theatre which was a particularly moving evening. The following day one of the women emailed to talk about the experience:

“What an amazing play!!! The actress is outstanding. Thank you for believing in me, my confidence has grown and going back to work has helped me to thrive in my ability to recognise who I am further.” – Participant, 2018.

Audiences joining us during the festival in The Old Anatomy Lecture Theatre in Summerhall can expect an incredible performance from Laura Dos Santos who plays ‘The Woman’ in this one woman show. The resilience, humour and strength of the women we worked with burns bright at the heart of the story. Upon leaving, they will hear the voices of those women in the song they wrote and recorded with Martyna Baker in 2016:

“Cause I’m ready to just be me

And I’m ready to live happy

Yeah I’m steady cause I’m lovin’ me”

Never Vera Blue is showing at Edinburgh Fringe Festival until the 26th of August. For more information or to book tickets visit the website here.

]]>https://womensaid.scot/guest-blog-never-vera-blue/feed/0No, Domestic Abuse Does Not Increase By 38% When England Lose The World Cuphttps://womensaid.scot/no-domestic-abuse-does-not-increase-by-38-when-england-lose-the-world-cup/
https://womensaid.scot/no-domestic-abuse-does-not-increase-by-38-when-england-lose-the-world-cup/#respondMon, 18 Jun 2018 14:01:51 +0000http://womensaid.scot/?p=2577Continue Reading No, Domestic Abuse Does Not Increase By 38% When England Lose The World Cup]]>It doesn’t rise by 26% when they win either. In short, the outcome of the game has very little impact on whether or not domestic abuse is happening across the UK. Because it is happening. It is happening in every single community, World Cup or no World Cup. But the vast majority of people it is happening to never call the police, for lots of reasons. So whilst the World Cup might see an increase of reports, primarily of physical violence to the police, this is very different to an increase in domestic abuse.

Domestic abuse is not a one off incident that is reported to the Police. And critically, domestic abuse is not just physical violence. It is an ongoing pattern of controlling and coercive behaviour. It’s being cut off from friends and family, being told you are worthless, ugly and good for nothing and it is doing exactly as he says because you are scared of what might happen if you don’t.

Domestic abuse is treading on eggshells because you don’t know whether you’ve done something wrong – or broken one of his many unspoken and made up rules – but the truth is you can’t do anything right. Because it’s not about you or your actions, but him and his power. It’s about the power he has and uses over you and the power society gives him.

To be very clear: someone who is capable of/likely to physically assault their partner during or after a football game is capable of/likely to physically assault their partner at any time.

And for as long as we blame football, alcohol, faith, poverty or drugs for domestic abuse, we’re not holding anything or anyone to account in any meaningful way. The one to blame, the person responsible for abusing their power and their partner is the perpetrator, and all eyes should be on them.

When the team hangs up their strip and flies home from Russia there’s no risk of local domestic abuse services closing down because of a lack of demand.

That is why as the tournament kicks off we have one ask: support your team but go a step further – find your local Women’s Aid group and show them your support all year round.

At Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline we won’t put pressure on you, or tell you what to do. We know it isn’t always easy to pick up the phone. When you call the helpline, your call will be answered by fully trained call handlers who have lots of experience supporting people affected by domestic abuse and forced marriage.

You don’t need to know what to say, just know that we believe you, and we are here for you.

You literally took a wrecking ball to my life. When I look back, I realise you knew exactly what you were doing. You pretended to be my friend to lure me into a false sense of security. When I was at a point in my life that all I could see was darkness you gave me a fake glimmer of light. You were my shoulder to cry on. I trusted you with my deepest secret and you used it to abuse me.

When I look back I see you so differently. And I see myself so differently too. I was in pain. I hated myself and you pretended to love me. In a short period of time I felt like I would never cope without you. You made me believe this too.

Instead of helping me through my dark time you used it to chip away at me. In every single way. You made me feel ugly inside and out. You told me I was useless. You told me I was stupid. You told me nobody else would ever want me. You made me believe this.

Somebody that loves you will build you up, not knock you down.

I lost who I was. I was your version of me. The version you needed me to be so you could control and manipulate me.

I got so ill I couldn’t see a way forward. I had nowhere to turn and you knew how much I was hurting. You then pretended to be surprised, pretended to be unaware of my pain and again fooled me into thinking it was all my fault and that you were the good guy who was my rock. You just added this experience to the list of things you would use against me and abuse me with.

At times I wished you would lift your fist to me. I used to think bruises on the flesh would heal faster than the wounds you put on my heart and soul. But none of it would ever be acceptable.

I tried to get away from you. I did things to try and make sure we could never get back together. But you always got to me and I always ended up back there. Time after time.

Nobody could understand how I kept getting back with you. How could they possibly understand, they didn’t understand the extent of the damage you had done. My spirit was broken.

You had this way of always making me believe what you said. When you called me names and made me feel worthless I listened to it. I believed all of it. When you’d later say sorry for the things you did I listened to that too. I was so caught up in the cycle of abuse I couldn’t see reality anymore.

I stopped telling my friends and family anything that went on. I was too ashamed. I had no idea what was normal anymore.

Then I found out I was expecting a baby with you. I was overcome with emotions. I’d always wanted to be a mother. I believed you when you told me it would all be OK. If it had been up to you I wouldn’t be OK now.

The birth of our son gave me the ability to find a strength that was buried deep down inside me. I had to change for him and for me. And he had to have his best chance. I never wanted to be a single mother but it was for the best. You lost your power over me the day I became a mother but it didn’t stop you trying to control me. You tried many different angles. Verbal, emotional, financial abuse and even blackmail. Our son quickly became a pawn in your sick games.

Even when you had moved on and met the girl you would marry you still spent time and energy trying to destroy me.

The only thing you destroyed was the relationship with your son. He should have idolised you but he feared you. At 6 years old he could see you for the bully you are. I never bad mouthed you. In fact I made excuse after excuse for you hoping out little boy would hurt less.

You broke my spirit but worst of all you hurt our innocent child. I hope the child you’ve gone on to have since never experiences the pain I’ve seen your ability to cause.

I stayed single for years, not because nobody wanted me as you liked me to believe but because I was cleaning up your mess. I was being Mum and Dad, I was trying to heal myself from your years of abuse and I was working really hard to provide a beautiful life for our son. Everything he has is down to me. Your last bit of control you thought you had over me was financial and to be brutally honest you’re welcome to keep your money. We do great without your help.

And now that I’ve met someone that I may find the time and the faith to have some feelings for I continue to battle the demons you left me with. I’ve healed as much as I can. I’ve worked hard to heal. And still there are some days I have to remind myself that he is not you and it’s OK to let love in…

At Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline we won’t put pressure on you, or tell you what to do. We know it isn’t always easy to pick up the phone. When you call the helpline, your call will be answered by fully trained call handlers who have lots of experience supporting people affected by domestic abuse and forced marriage.

You don’t need to know what to say, just know that we believe you, and we are here for you.

]]>https://womensaid.scot/a-letter-to-my-abusive-ex/feed/0What Does Abortion Have To Do With Domestic Abuse, Anyway?https://womensaid.scot/what-does-abortion-have-to-do-with-domestic-abuse-anyway/
https://womensaid.scot/what-does-abortion-have-to-do-with-domestic-abuse-anyway/#respondMon, 04 Jun 2018 15:19:55 +0000http://womensaid.scot/?p=2550Continue Reading What Does Abortion Have To Do With Domestic Abuse, Anyway?]]>Never in the history of ever have rights been dished out on a plate to groups facing discrimination. Not once has someone with heaps of power entirely of their own volition thought: hey my privilege is spilling over a bit, you want some?

As we celebrate the suffrage movement and 100 years since some women won the right to vote, we have to remember that the fight for women’s rights and freedom is far from over. We also have to be mindful that the right thing isn’t always easy – in fact more often than not it’s damn hard – but when the chips are down where do you stand, and who do you stand with?

We stand with the women of Northern Ireland, just as we stand with those in Ireland, Poland and anywhere that women are denied their reproductive rights.

We stand with those forced to travel alone, tired and scared to a country that is not their home to access basic healthcare, and we stand with those finding illegal pills online and taking them in secret. We stand with those forced to carry, birth and raise a child against their will because despite it being 2018 their Government still does not trust them enough to honour their human rights and afford them basic control over their own bodies.

Our bodies, our choices is a longstanding mantra of the feminist movement and of those fighting for women’s access to free, safe and legal abortion, because that’s what this comes down to. Choice. If you don’t like abortion then fine, don’t have one. But no-one, no-one has the right to make that decision for anyone else.

You might ask what does this have to do with domestic abuse?

The answer is everything. Because for as long as abusive men have been coercing and controlling the lives and minds of their victims they have also been controlling their bodies. Women experiencing domestic abuse are routinely pressured to become pregnant, abusive men will sabotage birth-control, use condoms inconsistently and issue threats related to continuing or ending a pregnancy. It doesn’t stop there. Rape in the context of domestic abuse sees women who have experienced significant trauma impregnated, isolated and trapped.

There is no best case scenario that can undo such trauma, but the very, very least any woman in this situation should know is that if she can to get to her doctor, alone, seeking an abortion that the doctor’s response will be trauma-informed and person-centred and that the doctor will offer access to a free, safe and legal termination and all the support needed. That our Northern Irish sisters who want to end a pregnancy in situations not dissimilar to this instead face a prison sentence is unthinkable, and yet it is so.

In Scotland our situation is far from perfect, and we will continue to use all our collective might to remove abortion law from the criminal justice system and put the issue firmly where it belongs as a matter of health.

But we will also stand with and fight for those whose rights are being routinely and seriously violated elsewhere and we ask that you join us.

Tweet your MP and ask that they attend Westminster tonight to stand up for the rights of Northern Irish women.

]]>https://womensaid.scot/what-does-abortion-have-to-do-with-domestic-abuse-anyway/feed/0Exciting News! What Being Charity of the Year Finalists Means To Us ❤https://womensaid.scot/exciting-news-what-being-charity-of-the-year-finalists-means-to-us-%e2%9d%a4/
https://womensaid.scot/exciting-news-what-being-charity-of-the-year-finalists-means-to-us-%e2%9d%a4/#respondFri, 11 May 2018 10:37:31 +0000http://womensaid.scot/?p=2476Continue Reading Exciting News! What Being Charity of the Year Finalists Means To Us ❤]]>We’re absolutely thrilled to be finalists for SCVO’s Charity of the Year! For us this is a celebration not just of our work now, but that of the workers, volunteers, survivors and supporters across the Women’s Aid network in Scotland for more than 40 years.

It has been an extraordinary year for us at Scottish Women’s Aid. As we celebrated the rich history of Women’s Aid in Scotland through our Heritage Project, the fruits of 40 years of activism, work and determination were realised as Scotland’s pioneering Domestic Abuse Bill became an Act.

Though we are clear that there is much, much more to do, that Scotland has a world-leading new law that is rooted in and reflective of women, children and young people’s lived experience of domestic abuse is a triumph of Women’s Aid in Scotland.

But our work neither stopped nor started with the passage of the Bill; behind the scenes our staff have been busy as ever influencing policy, developing projects and pioneering initiatives so that women, children and young people can live free from fear and domestic abuse.

In partnership with the Children’s Commissioner our work on Power Up / Power Down – a participation project focused on court-ordered contact for children in the context of domestic abuse – has gone from strength to strength. Drawing on their lived experience to advocate for change, the children and young people became effective children’s rights champions, delivering their calls for change directly to the First Minister and other powerful influencers.

This past year also saw the launch ofone thousand wordsour exciting project in partnership with Zero Tolerance which changed media representations of domestic abuse. Alongside survivors and photographer Laura Dodsworth, we created a whole new set of images for the media to illustrate domestic abuse, moving away from narrow stereotypes of women with bruised faces to reflect the emotional, sexual, financial and coercive elements of abuse. For victim-survivors to recognize their experience and seek support they must see themselves represented and to see the images being used so widely by Scottish media is incredible.

In our national office we’ve coordinated a first-of-its-kind domestic-abuse competent employability project, and it’s fair to say that women involved in Building Equality have thrived. Through the project and with the support of local women’s aid workers, participants who previously experienced multiple barriers to financial independence have gone on to set up their own business, been accepted to college and entered the labour market.

This is just a snippet of the work we do, which is almost always varied, challenging, exciting and at times difficult. It’s hard at times to reflect on success when we live in the knowledge that women, children and young people across Scotland right now are trapped and living in fear, but it is right that we celebrate the milestones and the thousands of women who have worked so hard to transform Scotland.

For this reason we are so excited to have been shortlisted as finalists for Charity of the Year, and in even more good news you can also vote for us in the People’s Choice award! It is tough competition, but an honour to be nominated and regardless of the result we are proud to be celebrating the efforts of all those women who have brought us this far.

We still have a very long way to go, but this is the closest we’ve ever been.