Researchers Discover Roll-Up-The-Rim-To-Win Affective Disorder

"Maybe I don't wanna play again....."

Researchers at the University of New Brunswick have diagnosed a new disorder
unique to Canada. Tentatively titled Rim Disorder, the condition has been
known to afflict those unfortunate souls who are told to "please
play again."

The affliction is named after the popular 'Roll up the rim to win' contest
at Tim Hortons coffee shops, in which purchasers of coffee roll up the
rim on their paper cup to see if they are the winner of a contest prize,
which ranges from pocket lint to a new car.

According to Dr. Murray Poundcake, Director of the University of New
Brunswick's School of Pointless Research, repeated rim-rolling losses
have produced feelings of bitterness, isolation and persecution among
test subjects.

"Being told to 'Please Play Again' over and over can provoke hopelessness
in someone, especially when they see those around them prospering,"
said Dr. Poundcake. "If I weren't a cold, emotionless medical professional,
I would almost feel the slightest degree of sympathy for the suffering
these poor people must go through."

The only known cure to Rim Disorder is to roll up a victorious rim, or
to get some semblance of a life.

Although she has yet to be formally diagnosed, Elaine Descoteaux of Truro,
Nova Scotia, thinks she may have this condition.
"My friend Eleanor has won six donuts, four coffees, a couple of
crullers, and I haven't won a damn thing," complained Descoteaux,
a retired lion-tamer.

"And my granddaughter, the first, the VERY first cup of coffee she
buys since they started up the contest this year, and she wins a Timbit!
How's that fair?"

You have to roll that rim
with confidence.
-Professional rim rolling coach Doug Dubrien, of Saint John, N.B.

Descoteaux said that she began to get concerned when she received a phone
call from a friend for their ritual journey down to the local Hortons
earlier this week: "She phoned me up to go for coffee and I didn't
even want to go," said Descoteaux. It was just like, "why even
bother? What's the point?"

Bob Townie of Campbellton, New Brunswick, can relate to the plight of
Mrs. Descoteaux. Diagnosed with Skill Testing Question Syndrome five years
ago, a condition in which contest winners incorrectly answer the obligatory
'skill-testing question,' Townie says that he has also exhibiting symptoms
of Rim Disorder.

"It says ONE IN NINE will WIN! One in nine! I've bought 41 coffees
this week, and aside from an uncontrollable twitch, I have nothing to
show for it! How can that be? What kind of country do we live in?"

The aggrieved Townie said that repeated calls and grunts to Tim Hortons
head office about his lack of rim-rolling luck have gone unreturned.

"OH, WHAT A SURPRISE,
I DIDN'T WIN": Sufferers of 'Rim Disorder' meet at a support
group in Moncton.

Diane Nickelbie, New Brunswick's provincial Minister responsible for
upholding the provincial Tim Hortons purity laws of 1837, thinks that
her province may be getting the shaft. Engaging in that fine Canadian
political tradition of playing the regions against one another, Nickelbie
is demanding equal roll up the rim to win prize distribution across the
country.

Said the Minister: "We have more Tims (Hortons) per capita than
any other province in confederation, and what thanks do we get? Please
play again!"

Although she offered no proof to back this up, Nickelbie is convinced
that Central Canada is getting all of the desirable rim bounty. "Obviously,
Ontario is getting all of the good prizes, while we maritimers get the
low-fat muffins."