It’s an odd little song – or big song, I should say, as it’s nothing if not dramatic. What do vampires have to do with Christmas? What’s Christmassy at all about this, except for the video? Well, somebody made the connection, and it can’t be denied that the power of love is at the heart of Christmas, and it’s certainly essential for surviving life on the edge. Finding someone to love and protect who will also love and protect you is going to be vital in the post-apocalypse world.

[Edit 24-12-12 – this video died, so I’ve linked to a new one. Same song, though – Apocalypse Womble]

Silent Night, Blasphemous Night,
People Quake At the Sight
Monsters Rising from Deep R’lyeh
People screaming `please go away’
Great Cthulhu has come
Great Cthulhu has come

Silent Night, Blasphemous Night,
Great Ones reign, Death in Sight
Horrid beasties enslaving mankind
Cosmic Terror Destroying Your Mind
We’re all going to die
We are all going to die

It’s Christmas Eve Eve Eve, in three days’ time the stars will align and Great Cthulhu will rise from R’lyeh. Or possibly the zombie hoards will rise from their graves. Or Captain Tripps will be released from a secret military base. Or Skynet will become self-aware, we’ll try to pull the plug and it’ll retaliate by sparking nuclear war between its enemies.

Whatever apocalypse is just around the corner, now is the time to prepare. Stock up on carrot seed and spades and guns and gas masks along with the mince pies.

We’re all going to die…

– Apocalypse Womble out.

[Edit: to anyone who witnessed my earlier mistakes, please attribute these to an over-eagerness for Christmas.]

Although not technically an apocalypse, I think this qualifies as apocalyptic. The events described would be truly horrific, and it provides a cautionary tale about those in whom you may put your trust. Stay vigilant, ladies! Anyone can flip when you least expect it, and danger can come at you from any direction. Even from Santa.

The Christmas cake is made, the mince pies are cooling and all the presents are wrapped under the tree. Yep, it’s that time of year again. Christmas!

However, any Apocalypse Girl knows that you need to be prepared at all times. I remember reading once that Bruce Lee never stopped training and I mean never: He would be talking with friends while doing mini push-ups against a wall. As I was struggling home from the shops the other day, this interview with Bruce Lee popped into my brain (you never know where apocalyptic inspiration might strike). Like Bruce Lee, could the Apocalypse Girls incorporate their planning and training into their daily lives? I did a few arm curls with my heavy shopping and feeling like I could take down a werewolf single handedly, I knew we could so here’s a few tips for preparing for the Apocalypse while wrapping, shopping and cooking for Christmas.

While basting your Christmas turkey, practice your ‘tap tap’ as if firing a gun. You can even practice your aim by squirting oil on specific spots;

Rolls of wrapping paper make excellent mock swords but can also be used to brush up on your staff use, Little John style;

Getting bored wrapping? Spin your scissors round and round before dropping them in an imaginary holster;

We’ve all seen the apocalypse movies where the ‘friend’ suddenly turns against the group. These people need to be restrained so get twisting with your rolls of tape and practice on your presents;

The thing about baubles is they look very similar to grenades. While putting up your Christmas tree, try lobbing a few onto the branches to practice your aim;

Get your arms in shape by lifting your bags of presents as you walk home;

While your milling with the crowds, take a good look at your fellow shoppers. Could any of them be vampire/werewolf/alien? Take a guess at who might lead the zombie hoards should the apocalypse happen while you’re buying slippers for your gran;

Speaking of grans, if yours buys you a truly horrid knitted scarf, count the number of alternative uses of the wool while you force a grin and say thank you. Here’s a few to get you started: tying one end to a rock to help guide you back while you investigate a dark cave, or as a snare to catch food;

You’ve read our ANOS article about slugs? (Of course you have, you’re a prepared Apocalypse Girl) Well, if you think of Brussel sprouts as mini slugs, you can practice chopping them in half while popping them in the pot (just don’t imagine slugs while you’re eating them, as sprouts are horrid enough to eat without that image);

Mixing Christmas cocktails? (Don’t forget to take a look at our cocktail cabinet for ideas) Well get your shake on as if your were mixing cocktails of a more explosive kind.

Wishing you all a very merry and apocalypse ready Christmas and I hope Father Christmas brings you the crossbow you’ve always wanted.

Here at The Girls’ Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse we’re aware that we’re not the only ones preparing for the end of civilisation, and we believe in sharing the knowledge. Check out this helpful video on surviving the Zompocalypse from Team Unicorn:

Team Unicorn are girls after our own hearts. Their name derives from the thought that ‘like unicorns, geek girls aren’t supposed to exist’. They create geek-themed videos on YouTube, and you can find them here.