July 12, 2012 (log)

Today: Woke up after alarm went off but laid around for a while.
Cleaned the bathroom, paid special attention to disinfecting the tub
after listening to Jon Tesh explain that these were germ filled, often
neglected areas and I'm nervous about Jill's foot getting infected
since the biospy site has not fully healed. My back is really sore and
I'm not sure what I did to aggravate it. Last night I went for a
leisurely bike ride. The girls stayed at home by themselves, I wanted to
see how they would do and thankfully they were both well behaved as the
TV was going. Yesterday Jill went to laser tag with her sister but had
to sit down as her foot started bothering her. It's nice that the
visiting nurse association is willing to drop meds off but it would
almost be easier to pick them up myself since our summer schedule
involves a lot of back and forth trips to and from summer school
locations.

While I like to think of myself as the forgiving sort, once certain
lines are crossed, I have a hard time going back to the way that things
were. This was the subject of a conversation this morning which I won't
get into but was upsetting. Last year we bought Jill a larger bike for
her birthday. This morning we took her younger sister out for a spin on
her bike while Jill was at her Harry Potter class. When she was in the
hospital she expressed regret that she was missing so many of her
sessions, the art therapist came to make a wand with her which helped a
little. Jill painted a mask and she watched a lot of TV in the hospital
so I was grateful that she had a creative outlet. We're thinking about
getting Jane a bigger bike for her birthday. I feel really bad but with
Jill being in the hospital we are really behind on a lot of things
including party planning for Jane's birthday - these things always come
up faster than I think they are.

Tomorrow Jill has two appointments, one with her regular
pediatrician and another to visit a pediatrician we might be switching
to. While I really like the first pediatrician I want someone who
practices functional medicine as well as traditional. From reading the
new doctor's bio I'm hoping that I have found someone whose lifestyle
and philosophy is in line with what I believe. The doctor I wanted to
get the girls into is not accepting new patients but I am hoping that
this woman will be a good fit for our family. Jill has not been eating
well so she's lost a few pounds. She went to both of her classes today
and I think she overdid it. I made both of the girls lie down after
lunch. Jane slept for a bit but I think Jill was up the entire time.

Jill's inflammatory markers are still elevated. That is a cause for
concern even though I know that a bone infection is difficult to treat.
Typically the infection is caused by one of three bugs, two of which are
staph and strep. Cultures for one of
the three can take up to two weeks to grow so we may have some waiting
time before we can find out what is causing the infection. We've settled
into something of a routine. Jill has five doses of IV antibiotics over
the course of a twenty-four hour period. One is every twelve hours and
the other is every eight. It isn't difficult to administer but the one
dose takes about an hour to complete so there's a fair amount of waiting
around we have to do. Fortunately the grenade style is portable so she
can walk around instead of being confined to one spot.

I'm trying to stay optimistic and positive and focused while getting
things done around the house but it is really hard. I'm tired, there's
more paperwork to deal with, the meds were supposed to be delivered this
afternoon and they still haven't arrived which is making me fidgety.
I'm glad I got the bathroom done, Jill ate a salad and part of a burger
for lunch. She's supposed to have as much protein as possible but she
didn't want an egg for breakfast and I decided not to push it. The
pharmacist said that whatever we can get into her is good. Her appetite
was okay at lunch but a handful of apple slices with some peanut butter
should not have held her until one o'clock which is when we had lunch. I
did my yoga DVD but my back doesn't seem better, wish me luck going
forward, it looks like I'll be needing it.

Posting this a day late so as a bonus you get two logs in one! The holistic/conventionally trained pediatrician was not what I
expected. I may have to keep searching until I find someone I really like, still thinking about my options and what I want to do.
The nurse came out for Jill's dressing change. She said that Jill's arm looked
good and foot did as well. My uncle was in from out of town so we met up
with him and my dad. I'm glad we went even though it meant that the
girls were up very late. I stayed up way later than I should have but I
started organizing the bathroom closet but waking up to a less cluttered
closet was so nice. There's a rumor about a bleeding eye statue at our
local cemetery. Jill wants to take a friend to explore but then Jane has
nothing to do - I feel bad since we didn't send her birthday invites
out on time as Jill was in the hospital, I feel like that poor kid is
always getting the shaft. Yesterday I bought some raw milk cheese to see
how that would go over with the tummies in my family. Kind of hard to
explain how much I have missed cheese.

There's an apartment for rent near where the girls go to school. As
badly as I want to move out, right now, I can't afford it. Currently no
one in my family takes any vitamins or supplements, I believe that there
is a level of health that many people I know aren't aware of and don't
seek. I don't want to look good, I want to feel great. I want to be the
mom who can keep up with her kids on the soccer field or throw some
snacks in a backpack and take off on a bike ride. I'm tired of living in
fear, pain, and denial and it's been hard to acknowledge the numerous
opportunities I have missed but at least now I know that things like
that are out there so I can add them to my list of future hopes and
dreams. Yesterday a guy who follows me on Twitter told me that one of
his friends died in a car accident, I felt bad for him and I don't want
to minimize anything he is going through but that exchange made me
realize how many levels there are to sites like Twitter where there is a
lot of superficial fluff covering deeper issues.

The other day I noticed that there was a definite distinction between
the hair on the top of my head and the hair that hits my shoulders. I
have a ring that separates the light from the dark and it wasn't until I
saw a red mark on my forehead that I realized my bike helmet blocks the
sun from the top of my head. So I have a weird hair color transition
that probably looks really funky in back but I can't see it and I'd
rather have the rides and the memories than uniformly colored hair
although I'm still self conscious about it. Jill's nurse said that she
can take her IV treatment with her if she needs to. This is another
thing that is stressing me out but I need to start letting go of some of
my fears that bad things are going to happen since I can't control
everything. There are so many things spinning through my mind right now,
I have to find a way to channel that into productivity. Now that the
bathroom closet is back in order, I'm going to tackle the one in the
hall.