BF (30s) totally appalled that I (F30s) have asked him to pay half of the house bills

I really need some advice here on whether I'm out of line or making a reasonable request. This post is long, but I want to be fair and give context and background to this dilemma.

My partner and I have lived together for a few years now. When we first bought our house, I had a considerably higher income than him, and so we split the house bills proportionately to reflect that. A few months after we moved in, I offered to take over paying one of his bills because he found the previously agreed budget too much for him to manage in practice (he has child maintenance and legal bills from a previous relationship to pay for). It's stayed this way since, and he's never offered to take it back.

Since the original agreement was made, both our employment circumstances have changed. He has been promoted and now also has a second job working from home at night or weekends (completely flexible and he does it when he chooses) while I have taken a less well-paid job to avoid redundancy and unemployment. What hasn't changed is the division of our household bills. I am still paying considerably more monthly bills towards our house than he is. He does pay for dates, most take-outs and car repairs, but I see most of these as non-essentials we can cut back on if needs be. I have wanted to reassess this financial dynamic for around 18 months, and I originally brought it up by laying out all of our household bills and respective incomes (not including his second job) and asking if there was a way to even this out a little more and perhaps have a clearer budget for dates and take-out that would leave both of us feeling more financially secure, while obviously lightening a little of the financial load for me. He was completely against the idea and went on an aggressive rant about how he has so much credit card debt, legal bills and child maintenance to pay, whereas I do not. Actually I have both tonnes of credit card debt (a lot of it from home improvements, but not all) and a child of my own to pay for. Anyways, I left that conversation where it was 18 months ago to avoid conflict and let things continue the way they were.

Fast forward to the present situation. I have less net income than I used to from changing jobs, although I still earn more than BF if you exclude his second job, which he has been doing for nearly two years.He now wants to explore turning his second job into his full time, primary source of income. From this second job, he has paid for some home improvements, the vast majority of dates, and most recently a lovely holiday. But he's tallying up these things more and more as a gloating exercise and a reason to accuse me of not being appreciative enough of him. Ironically, I've never asked him to regularly thank me for paying for our house, and hes never once said thanks for this either. He also regularly accuses me of not doing enough housework and claims that he does most of it (which is not true, as we divided household chores when we first moved in together and we still largely stick to this). If anything else needs done around the house, he looks to me accusatoraly for not having done it first.

The holiday he paid for, and now casts back to me at every opportunity, has actually prompted me to assert that we open a joint account and pay a fixed sum into it each month in order to split the house bills and money for dates and holidays 50:50. I have asked that he use the income from his second job to contribute to this. Once again, I laid out all our monthly expenses, including shopping and other things that he pays for, and showed him that if we split this evenly, he won't be paying out any more money than he has been recently. I also said I hoped it reduced the arguments about who pays for what. His side of the argument is that his second income is not reliable enough to do this, and it will mean he has to work longer hours to meet this new arrangement. He says im taking advantage of his generosity and 'a few good months' of income. He even told me yesterday that because I earn more than him and get child benefit for my child, I should be giving a portion of that to him and contributing to his welfare payments. I think this is ludicrous and he is being inflammatory to deflect from the real reason he doesn't want to do this: he wants me to keep shouldering the responsibility for the house bills and he wants to keep his second income to do what he wants with. But he's proved for a while now through things he's paid for, that he can make more than enough money to cover the 50:50 split, and he has said he wants to make this second job his main one. So who is being unreasonable here? Me, who is on paper the main earner, or him, who doesn't want his second source of employment to be included in the overall household income?

TL:DR - I earn more than BF in my main job, so I've been paying most bills. But I want to include his second income to split the bills more fairly and he doesn't.

No, that's ridiculous. It's income. I'd love to have the IRS not tax my side gig, but that's not how it works. Income is income. He's taking advantage of you and gloating about it. You need to have a serious discussion with him about the overall financial position you're both in.

Put your foot down. Give him a chance to split bills evenly one more time, and if he say no, end the relationship and kick him out or sell the property if you can't afford it. Personally, I don't think he deserves another chance, but it sounds like you're giving him one anyway. If you're not will to end this relationship, then you should probably shut up and figure out how to enjoy the status quo.

Put your foot down. Give him a chance to split bills evenly one more time, and if he say no, end the relationship and kick him out or sell the property if you can't afford it.

The OP wrote "we first bought our house," i.e., the two of them bought the house. Trying to kick the legal co-owner or joint tenant of the house out would be a stupid move. If she just worded the OP incorrectly and she is the only actual owner, then she still would need to give him proper notice.

Selling also would be tricky if he didn't agree. The OP could force a partition in court, but that's expensive and adds complications. Her boyfriend might see the wisdom in coming to an agreement, but they'll both mount up legal fees until then.

Your proposal to split both essentials and non-essentials (while non-essential, those still cost money) from a shared account sounds like a great idea, esp. if you both contribute equally to that account. The amount (an amount that you both agree on) to put into that account would determine how many non-essentials you allow yourselves. I don't understand why this doesn't sound reasonable, it seems like a perfect solution.

This is how my husband and I do things. It works incredibly well. We each put an agreed 50-50 amount into a joint account every two weeks. This is how bills, mortgage, holidays, home renovations, and any other shared expense gets paid. Anything from which we both benefit.

We each still have our own money and spend it how we please. I never explain what car I buy and he never justifies the cost of a boys' weekend.

Rather than talk in general terms, it would really help the analysis for you to provide some specifics.

What does he make in salary from job #1 and job #2? What do you make in salary now (present day)? What does he pay per month in child support. What do you receive per month in child support (assuming I read the line about you getting a child benefit correctly).

The blurred line is his job #2, if it's not a salaried position with steady income. Hypothetically, if you're netting out significantly more with salary+child support as compared to his job#1-child support he pays, then 50/50 may not be equitable.

Here's my suggestion without knowing the numbers. Calculate his income based on job #1, minus the child support he pays. Calculate your income based on salary plus child support you receive. Then, each of you pays a percentage based on those final figures.

On months where he has additional income from job #2, he contributes as much of that income as would make up the difference between whatever percentage he actually paid and 50% of the household expenses.

So, if his salary was net $30,000 and your salary was net $60,000, you would pay 66% of the household bills. For the sake of ease, let's say your household bills are $2000/month. So, you would pay $1,333 (66%), rather than $1000 (50%) and he would pay $666.

If, on a given month he makes greater than $333 from job #2, then the first $333 goes to you, and he keeps the remainder. This would simulate him having paid one-half of the bills initially. It has the added benefit of not pressuring him to earn that $333, but if he does you do not get shorted.

Oh i am! The whole 'i just paid for a holiday' thing really pissed me off. I told him that if he paid half the household bills he wouldn't have to pay for holidays because I would have the disposable income to pay myself. His ego and my complacency has got us into this situation. But I love him so I'm determined to work it out

You don't have to live with everyone you love. He's taking advantage of you because he knows that you love him. Try another sit down and if he throws a fit you'll know that he doesn't care about or love you.

But he doesn’t respect you or what you contribute to him. He degraded it and suggests it isn’t enough. Then he holds what he does over you and tries to make you feel guilty for not thanking him. It’s all manipulation and disrespect. That’s not love.

It's your funeral when you don't recognize selfish people and users. If you don't hold higher standards for partnership you're one of those people who's going to be continually burned and not understand why.

You sound like an amazing partner. No matter how bad the situation is, you still said you loved him and want to work it out. I hope you can, but if it doesn't work out, I just wanna say that you deserve better. If he truly loved you, he would've split the bill the first time you asked him, and would've never pushed the "I paid for the holiday" right in your face.

This is a situation where you should be thinking with your head instead of your heart. You live a guy who doesnt love you the same way back. You would do anything for him while hes with you cause he knows he can take advantage of you.

This was the LARGE nail in the coffin for me on him being unreasonable as all hell. I was just mad after reading that. I was trying to see his side of the story the whole way through and it screeched to a sudden stop when I got to this line.

How about he pays 100 percent of the bills and child support, on his own 💁🏻‍♀️

BF and I had a very similar argument recently. The argument deteriorated into “well I paid $x for this” and “I paid more than you for that.” All that score keeping made us both feel bad...

I told my bf, obviously we both think we do more than the other person and we need a better system. Now we are using an excel sheet to keep track of joint expenses. I didn’t want us having to transfer 50% of the cost of every little expense, so the excel sheet is just keeping a monthly running total of costs incurred by each person and the person that paid more gets an “equalizing payment” by the lower paying person at the end of the month. Our excel sheet tracks things like, dates and groceries. We have a monthly budget and if we succeed at staying under budget we save the “extra” money for our future “big treat” like a very expensive restaurant or activity. Things paid outside of the excel sheet should not be brought up again to guilt the other person. If BF says “hey, I paid for x” I say put it on the excel sheet. If someone burdened an expense alone as a gift, they shouldn’t be rubbing it in later.

Our rent and utilities are proportionate to incomes and incomes only, not debt. How you two want to decide what’s fair will just require a hard, honest discussion.
IMO, you are not responsible for your bf’s debts. If you weren’t around, who would be subsidizing his lifestyle? If he asks you to pay for something that is not truly a joint expense, I would straight up say “no, that’s your responsibility. Not OURS.” You guys aren’t married. If you were married, you can revisit how to tackle the debt incurred before marriage together.

BF and I had a very similar argument recently. The argument deteriorated into “well I paid $x for this” and “I paid more than you for that.” All that keeping score made us both feel bad...

I told my bf, obviously we both think we do more than the other person and we need a better system. Now we are using an excel sheet to keep track of joint expenses. I didn’t want us having to transfer 50% of the cost of every little expense, so the excel sheet is just keeping a monthly running total of costs incurred by each person and the person that paid more gets an “equalizing payment” by the lower paying person at the end of the month. Our excel sheet tracks things like, dates and groceries. We have a monthly budget and if we succeed at staying under budget we save the “extra” money for our future “big treat” like a very expensive restaurant or activity. Things paid outside of the excel sheet should not be brought up again to guilt the other person. If BF says hey, “I paid for x” I say put it on the excel sheet. If someone burdened an expense alone as a gift, they shouldn’t be rubbing it in later.

Thank you for your response. We too have those kind of tit-for-tat arguments. I'm glad you found something that's working for you both. I'm with you that bills should be proportionate to income only, as a lot of his debt already existed before he even met me. But actually, talking to him more about his debt (and mine) and finding a way we can help each other with this (like a goals spreadsheet or something, no financial contributions!) might not be a bad idea. Thank you for your inspiration!

I love this idea for couples but always wonder where people find the time to put every expense on an excel sheet. Do you keep your receipts? Insert all the purchases day by day? I’ve tried and failed with this approach many times...

I use a shared google spreadsheet and I have the sheets app on my phone. I just enter it right when I pay so I don’t forget how much I tipped if it’s a restaurant. There’s so many different budgeting methods though. Some people just withdraw their monthly/weekly allowance and pay with cash only. There’s automated apps like Mint, where you login with your banking info and the app does it for you. Or you can just go Dutch every time and your partner can Venmo you 50% right when you pay.

My boyfriend and I use an app called Splitwise. It is fast and easy, you put in what percentage each person pays, input all joint expenses, and it tells you exactly who owes who money at the end of each month (or sooner, if you’d like)

The easiest way is to have a debit card associated with a shared account and always pay for shares expenses on that one account, then import all expenses from there into excel or your program of choice. If you occasionally have to pay in cash, add that in manually, but most places aren’t cash only anymore.

A lot of banks you can download your statements as a .csv or view in a format that allows c&p into a spreadsheet. You can do the rec however often you want, once a month is totally doable. I'm in a trial and error stage with some things rn so am doing some imput every day which isn't horrible but also not ideal long term.

My husband and I put every last purchase onto our separate credit cards and then get a nice pie chart and list of purchases grouped by category with each statement. It's a super easy way to track spending, especially since we don't have joint finances.

I sit down at the end of the month and go through my credit card statement online and enter the expenses into the spreadsheet. It's mainly groceries and then the power and cable bills because we always split restaurant bills 50/50 at the restaurant. It doesn't take long for me because I only enter joint purchases, not every little thing I buy.

I was just about to recommend Splitwise! Has saved me so much grief with roommates but also on vacations with others. Eliminates petty squabbles and hurt feelings about money because everyone just puts expenses into the app.

Try the app WieBetaaltWat. I use it with my boyfriend and different friends/groups and it's super easy to track casual expenses. It's not a budgeting this but if you just want to keep track of who paid what it's great.

That's pretty much how my parents are doing it too. Only problem is, I get the feeling Op's bf is completely opposed to paying his fair share and will not agree to something like this which risks making him pay his fair share. He's using OP and even trying to make her feel bad that she doesn't do enough. He's a manipulative asshole, so I can't really see any solution working out with him other than kicking his ass to the curb.

The money i get for my child is not much, and most of what I do get goes directly to him, eg pocket money and funding social clubs or extra lessons at school. He's older and has a social life of his own. BF was telling me yesterday that I should be contributing to the maintenance payments for his own kid from a previous relationship because my job earns more. I.e, I give money to her mom!

That’s all you need to know and I would add it to the post as an update OP.

This man simply wants a partner who will relieve him of financial responsibility. He is damn pissed that you’re expecting equality when his plan was to have you shoulder more than 50% while he faffed around getting this job to full time.

Him saying he felt you should contribute to his child support payments is the most telling. He wants you to throw your earnings into the communal pot. But his special-snowflake earnings? No no! That’s for him! That’s for him to buy vacations instead of taking care of debt so he can throw it in your face and still expect you to manage the bulk of necessities.

Considering his reaction to housework as well; this is a man who thinks that equality means “I do a little but you do a lot”.

I would sit down with a financial planner and ask what the standard arrangement would be. What do they see most often, what is most fair. There are some who will engage with a couple to answer those questions. Call around. Get a pro to tell him he’s being an ass.

I bet he's more likely to pull any tricks in the book to try and convince OP to continue doing his bidding no matter how despicable it would be. He's already trying to get OP to think she's doing less than he does, even if it's not true and that she should basically worship him for barely doing the minimum.

Your husband may have some wonderful qualities that you didn't mention but his views about money (especially your money) are toxic.

I would be very cautious if I were you about protecting my child best interest should something happens to you. If he already feels entitled to your money now, it doesn't bode well for this type of situation.

I'm sorry, it really sounds like he is taking advantage of you. He's refusing to look at your situation objectively because it would inconvenience him. He's putting you in a situation where you would very obviously be better off without him, and the way he's responding to your concerns really shows that he's taking you for granted. You should keep pushing back, this is not an acceptable situation for you. It really takes a lot of entitlement for him to demand you pay his child support for him.

Day to day I love coming home to him and we share a lot of the same values. This is a sticking point, however. While i do appreciate your perspective, and i have some dear friends who might say the same thing, it's not as simple as upping and leaving and it's not something I even want to do.

What values do you share? Perhaps you can reframe this financial conversation under the umbrella of one of those shared values.

Money is the number one reason people divorce. If you went into home ownership with him without having these conversations, without becoming a true team financially, your relationship is more trouble than you want to admit.

Thanks. And yeah I'm going to. Something one of the other commenters said gave me an idea how to do it. We did the finances discussion before we moved in. We just never reassessed it when our circumstances changed. This is what I'm trying to do now.

We did the finances discussion before we moved in. We just never reassessed it when our circumstances changed.

This, unfortunately, is common. You had a financial conversation, but not the right ones. When you have the right ones, you're ready for changing circumstances and don't have to reassess strategy, just details.

I'm seeing that now. We were giddy in love when we bought our house. Practical conversations were few and far between. Hindsight is a wonderful thing! But you're helping me see the kind of conversation we need to have now.

Your bf is inflammatory, argumentative, selfish, and expects accolades for underperforming. Nothing in your post indicates a man who actually wants to be a partner. He just wants an argument and a free ride.

Something I see constantly in uneven relationships is one partner complain, "I asked him/her hundreds of times!"

(To do chores, to pay bills, to quit partying, to stop hanging out with that one flirty friend.)

Look, if you have to ask more than once or twice, it's a game to the other person. It's not that they don't know you're upset, they just disagree and are now ignoring you. The worst partners actively enjoy thwarting you like this.

After asking once or twice, I stop asking, the drawbridge goes up, and I release the hounds.

I recommend you break up with this guy, protect your assets and sell the property if you can't swing it yourself. Ask a lawyer what you're entitled to, if you've paid more into the property.

When someone creates and sustains an uneven playing field, they are basically saying fuck you to the other person. They are resentful, unhappy, don't want to be there deep down but don't have the strength of character to be upfront.

Personally there are too many nuances around who pays/owe's what for me to get off the fence.

On one hand he sounds like my ex who i had to drag kicking and screaming to any type of budget discussion and straight out told me to go fuck myself when i dared produce a spreadsheet to try and track our (her) spending (It turned out she had a secret addiction to buying clothes and she was just totally self centred to boot)

E.g. her personal phone "Family bill" the family car - 100% me as she didn't drive. It just got petty fast and resentment became toxicity.

Then there are also too many "this doesn't count" arguments from both of you which has turned this into a point scoring game.

Your default is 50/50 of what i would call "class 1" bills - Rent, insurance, home maintenance, shared food etc. The things that cost you as a couple without a choice in having them.

He has no say over this if you cannot agree a compromise, he has 2 choices, go 50/50 or leave and pay 100% of his own bills.

I think you need to consider that due to both your needs if it is actually possible to join finances because there are so many issues (positive and negative child support, debt on both of you, 2nd jobs, fluctuating incomes)

/r/personalfinance may help but your post is devoid of the most important details here (the actual numbers), for all we know he is left with $5 a week or $500 after his outgoings

You won't last long with him if you do not sort this out.

Strip things back to Class 1 bills, take turns paying for dates/hols and other luxuries.

My experience was when i pulled the plug on supporting my ex 70/30 (I made more) and went 50/50 due to her taking the piss, she left 1 week later when she knew her easy ride was up.

edit forgot to add: as a frugal guy, wtf are you both doing going on holiday with existing cc debt \o/

So he was perfectly comfortable with you paying more than your fair share while he COULD but doesn't want to? That says a fuck ton about his character, whether he changes his mind and eventually pays half or not. If he saw you as an equal he would WANT to begin paying more as soon as he could because he SHOULD feel bad that he has to rely on the person he loves to be able to live. my .02.

So at this point are you and BF a team? Are you partners working towards a common goal. Is this going to be a long term relationship? Are you both committed to the relationship and building a life together? Or is this a relationship based on separate lives that happen to cohabitate and do a few things together when convenient?

If you are partners then it is time to start a common household budget, work it up, contribute as partners and stop sweating each and every purchase. If you are not long term partners then perhaps it is time to move someone out and go Dutch on every common dating expense.

This man boy is taking advantage of you and you need to stay t him down and work it out. If he wants to go full on guilt based accounting then there needs to be a hard 50/50 budget that you both adhere to. If he wants to be partners and a team with you working towards a future of a family he needs to be able to describe how finances will work as a family and you need to describe your idea of family finances. If you two can’t work it out then you need to admit this relationship is going nowhere.

Figurout a plan for the rest of the relationship with this man. If he resists then you know where the two of you stand, which is nowhere in his selfish mind. What’s yours is his, what’s his is his. Pretty pathetic.

Fuck noooooo. OP do not let him walk all over you. You have been MORE than gracious and kind towards him. You are being reasonable. If he feels you are being unfair tell him to kick rocks and see how he likes funding his own life on his own. No more 50%+ discount on life expenses. Also, I don’t give a flying rats ass about his legal and child and CC debt/obligations. That is HIS problem, NOT YOURS!

Can you clarify on the house? You mentioned when "we bought" the house, but than later in your post you said he never thanks you for the house. Please tell me you did not put all the upfront cost into buying a house (down payment, etc.) and pay the mortgage, but his name on the deed?

He probably doesn't mind paying for dinners and vacations because it fun stuff he wants to do. Because he has more liquid cash he can say "I want to do x, but I'm nice enough to pay for you as well". If he paid an equal share of your obligations he would have less money to do whatever he wants with.

It sounds like you would benefit from some frank financial talking and planning. It is concerning that you both have credit card debt but that he doesn't want to cut back on more luxury type items like the vacation and takeout/dates. I am not saying never to have fun, just maybe opt for cheaper outings or limit the frequency a bit. With a house, you definitely need an emergency fund for various major repairs like if the furnace needs to be replaced or whatever. This is a question of financial priorities, and it sounds like you two are not in the same page.

You need to sit down with your boyfriend and decide if you are going to share finances or not. The problem is when you made more you shared your money with him like you were married, and now that he makes more he is using his like your just dating. Both of you have to sit down and agree on doing it one of two ways:

Separate Finances (like your roommates)- he pays for his stuff and you pay for yours. Each person pays their fair share of common expenses regardless of their income or expenses. No charity deals are given to the person with tighter finances.

Combined Finances (like your married)- all income goes into one common pot, and as a couple you sit down and decide where it goes. All of your expenses are paid from the pot, and all of his are too. Any debt he has is treated as common debt and any debt you have is treated the same. You can still have some independence this way just decide that X amount is for his private use and you get X amount for your own use. You could even decide to give him more as an incentive for keeping the second job.

You were doing something similar to combined finances when you made more money. Now that he makes more money he is doing something closer to separate finances. You never agreed on a system. That needs to change.

He's being extremely manipulative through his financial and emotional immaturity. He sees your money, your kid's money, and your house as being his and his money is also his.

I'm appalled that he'd even suggested the child support money for your child be given to him. Like full stop. What. The. Fuck. Child support money is off limits and goes to supporting the child it is meant for, only a horribly selfish person would see that money as something they should get.

Your suggestion to open a Joint Account with 50:50 contribution that covers household expenses and communal needs is very reasonable. I think that equal sharing of the financial burden is a solid place for a relationship to build mutual respect and trust from. His balking at that is a huge red flag.

His keeping a running tally of luxury things he has paid for to throw in your face anytime he doesn't like where a discussion is going while conveniently ignoring the fact that you've financially supported him so that he is able to pay for the luxury stuff is another red flag.

This is just indicative of how he sees the relationship. He thinks the two of you are inherently unequal, with him getting to have the fun and you having to do the work. He seems to think the chores belong to the woman, and he's doing you a favor by ever touching them.

Are you planning on having kids together? Do you really think that with an attitude like this, he'll give you 50% of diaper changes, midnight feedings, staying home staying the kid is sick, and shuttles to daycare? Because it sounds like he'll consider it his job to teach the kids to play catch, your job to do the rest, and if you get one night off a month he'll expect to be congratulated for 'babysitting' his own child.

Do you see a long term future with this man, or just a present with a long term past?

Ask him if he wants a partner or a sugar mamma. If he wants a partner then he should start treating you like one and shoulder his share of the financial responsibilities, and stop acting like every non-essential he pays for is him doing you a favor for which you should feel eternally grateful.

If he wants a sugar mamma to support him while he spends his income on whatever, then he's free to go find one.

This sounds unfair. In the beginning, you were in a lot stronger position and you offered to help him out, which he accepted. Now that things have changed, and he might be in the stronger position, he still wants the lighter load? That isn't being a team...

Sit him down. Write down each how much you make in all incomes. The write down how much you each have of individual bills, and joint. And from that come up with a plan for what to pay from where.

But he sounds a bit manipulative. He paid for a holiday, which is a super nice thing for him to do. It sounds like though he is using it to guilt you with and hold it over your head. Not fun. Not cool.

Hey OP - so, to sum it up, your boyfriend can afford to pay half the bills but is refusing to because ... ?

That's basically what it comes down to. Forget the occasional expenditures for dates or vacations - he doesn't want to increase his outgoings. The catch here is that his reduced outgoings isn't due to any frugality on his part - it's because you're paying for him. He doesn't want to stop being a parasite on your generosity.

I honestly don't know what to advise in this situation OP. Culturally everything in me is both cringing at a situation where somebody is being so open about saving money while forcing their family member struggle financially and unreasonably angry that he's been called out on it and is now REFUSING to pay.

I guess you could say that since you can't agree he needs to move out into his own place so you can bring in a lodger (or just reduce your expenses by dropping one adult's usage in the house - the lack of power use from his work from home side gig would probably see a slight drop in utility use).

I mean I hesitate to suggest breaking up but I also am cringing so hard from this that I can't see this guy as anything other than a user and a terrible person just for what you've laid out here.

He even told me yesterday that because I earn more than him and get child benefit for my child, I should be giving a portion of that to him and contributing to his welfare payments.

OMG this is laughable. Child benefits are for the benefit of the child, not him or you. You have an obligation to ensure it goes towards your child's needs and it's not there for him to pocket or pay for his own obligations. He was the one who had a kid, he has a responsibility to support that child and he needs to do it with his own money.

He is literally suggesting stealing the food from your child's mouth to give to his. It's disgusting, and regardless of any of the other stuff he's pulled, you should dump him for letting those words leave his dense skull.

He's in the adult world now. The world where no one cares if you have racked up credit card debt or need to pay child support, you still have bills to pay. It's not "unfair" that he has to pay what you pay if he's making what you're making. It's not "unfair" to count his second income as income.

If you were his mommy you might adjust his payoff schedule for the xbox he broke when he had a temper tantrum if he lost his after school job. This isn't that.

This is why people get married before moving in - so it's understood that you'll deal with finances together in a way that benefits both. If one person isn't willing or able to come to an agreement about something as simple as this before the whole moving in happens, at least you know and can deal with it beforehand.

Your boyfriend seems to think it's horribly unfair that he has to pay to support his own damn child, to the extent that he thinks YOU should start paying HIS child support bills?! I am sorry but from this post, he seems like a truly terrible person. He hoards his money, he holds it over your head when he chooses to pay for a vacation, he resents supporting his child, he thinks his second income magically shouldn't "count" as income for him...you can't rely on this man to ever make a single sacrifice for you, no matter how much you sacrifice for him. Throw the whole boyfriend away.

Things like child support, credit card debt (if not accrued jointly), car payments, insurance, etc are all individual bills. That is, each attends to their own.

Joint bills are things like housing, groceries, home repairs, vacations taken together, etc.

Sit down and list all of your joint bills. Then figure an equitable split to these bills based on your current income and earning ability.

A budget is a dynamic thing - every time there is a change to a life situation (new job, for example) the budget would be reassessed and re-done. Hell, I redo my budget even without things like this.

This guy is taking advantage of you. You need to make it 100% clear that 1- You are not his mommy, 2- You are not his personal bank 3- he is an adult and should therefore be able to figure out his living expenses without relying on another adult to subsidize him.

If he cannot do this, becomes aggressive, or pouts or ANYTHING other than "I understand" and follows through then you may need to consider ditching this guy entirely.

You have a child. Your child is the ONLY person who would rely on you like this. And you have a responsibility to your child to be with someone who can pull his own weight.

Trust me when I say this (b/c I just dumped a guy I had to argue with every month about paying his half - actually LESS than his half come to think of it.) It's untenable and it will impact your r/s in other ways.

.... Why are you with this person? You've been biting your tongue for EIGHTEEN MONTHS while someone who is supposed to be your partner takes advantage and has the audacity to suggest you use the money that is for your child on him/his child?! Stop being a doormat.

When you're in a relationship, you should be working as a team. If he's throwing things like paying for a vacation in your face, he's trying to gain power over you and manipulate you. He's competing with you, rather than being a team. On top of that, he's using you for his own financial benefit. Every dollar you give up is a dollar he's keeping, and he clearly thinks about it that way. He's also figured out that by throwing a fit when you try to talk about it (instead of discussing it like grown-up partners), he can make you shut up and keep paying for stuff. He's literally telling you that having more money is more important to him than your relationship.

If I were you, I would be looking for a new place and a new boyfriend. This is not a dynamic you want to spend your life dealing with. As Dan Savage says: DTMFA.

You know, reading your words, I don't like him much. This means you don't either right now, since all I have to go on is your viewpoint. I happen to think that child maintenance is his own problem, not yours. Also, income is income, and when he makes more, both you AND HIS CHILD should be getting more of it. His kid, because obviously, and you because you've been shouldering more than your share of burden for too long.

Question: what does he add to the relationship that makes you a better person with a better life?

That aside, when you start keeping score in a relationship, you're doomed to resentment. You two should seek couples counseling to address this. I would suggest somebody who specializes in narrative therapy, as changing the way you two view the situations would help create a more open environment to communication and resolution.

Are you guys in a relationship? Because if so he should be working with you, supporting you when he can the way you supported him when you could. This tallying up of holidays and stuff and using it against you is ridiculous. Winning arguments means your relationship loses because it shouldn't be you two against each other. It should be you two together against the world.

Personally I wouldn't give him another chance, he's demonstrated for a long time now he doesn't respect you as a partner. If you do give him another chance though I would be extremely firm about what needs to happen and if he refuses then end the relationship.

OP, you said you love him & want this to work out, so I’m not going to comment on the relationship. I will tell you that you’re putting yourself in a financially precarious position & it needs to stop immediately. He’s living a better standard of life because of you. You’re living a worse standard of life because of him.

You need to start aggressively paying off your credit card debt & establish an emergency savings account in your name only. I strongly advise you to see a financial advisor. Whether this relationship lasts or doesn’t, you need to make sure you’re financially safe. You’re seeing a huge red flag. The moment he’s closer to being an equal financial partner, he’s spouting off about the holiday being paid for by him & his generosity. Meanwhile, you’ve been helping him pay child support & his legal bills for years.

A bit late to the party here, but basically my fiancée and I have a Google spreadsheet and it figures out the proportions of our incomes with our expenses. We can easily change the income amount, but the formula stays the same. This way, your arrangement stays the same and you don't have to renegotiate every month. If his second job doesn't pay one month, then it is easily accounted for.

E.g. Last month I paid 58,2% of the expenses, the prior month was 57,1%. All I did was enter the amount I earned last month and the spreadsheet did the rest.

If you bought a house in which one of the owners wasn't capable of paying for 50% of the finances, then you purchased a house that was too expensive for your budget. What I would suggest is that each of you present a figure to the other about how much each can afford for rent and utilities. Then you take the lower amount of the two and times that by two....and that is your monthly budget. If your monthly mortgage plus utilities is more than that, then I suggest you move to a less expensive house/area.

There is really no point in haggling over second jobs or who has debt when you approach it this way.

I realize that we’re only getting one side of the story here, but this sounds like the beginning of financial abuse. He treats you like you’re overflowing with cash and need to take care not just your joint financial obligations but his personal one (child maintenance). That’s not okay.

I don’t see why bills shouldn’t be split 50/50. Some jobs are harder and require more training. I don’t understand why someone should be punished for having a better job. Odds are that job required more years of schooling and is more stressful.

Hi my dear. In my opinion your relationship got a bit out of control. He definitely takes advantage of you and you should do something about this. He needs to feel that it’s better to just split bills then being on his own. You are worth more then money can pay, so give him and yourself the chance to go back to the base: feelings. I‘m with you in your need to make fair bills, if he is not, you should think about what he is really after. I don’t want to say, that this is the reason he is with you, but you have to be sure it’s not.
Btw i don’t think its your fault to earn more then him. In the early 20ties it might be a good thing from you to support him a bit, but now you are 30.. there is no need for you to compensate him for what he is not able to achieve!

I think that arrangement sounds somewhat fair if you both are on the same page about sharing your future together. If you are comingling earnings then it stands to reason that your debts should be commingled, too.

A simple way to do this would be to tally up your assets and your liabilities. Calculate and add together your earnings. The next step is where arguments can arise because there are competing philosophies in how to allocate non-essential expenditures.

Some people feel that if you earn 45% of your partner, then your contributions to bills should be proportionally reflective. However, another way to look at it is that if you both consider each other equals and are able to recognize that no two people are truly equal, then there needs to be a way to reconcile that incongruity.

The real output of one’s work may very well exceed your partner’s due to no fault of your own (maybe they’re a genius or able-bodied and capable of working 80+ hours a week). This would come down to trust. Trust that your partner is working at capacity and that regardless of how much they are working, their contribution is always equal. Consider a homemaker and an engineer. An engineer makes more money than a homemaker who generates no income. The real value in dollars that’s derived from the homemaker is via the opportunity cost involved. Philosophically, you both agree that having a daycare raise children is something you’re both against.

This is a difficult proposition because US courts do not consistently recognize these household imbalances in labor, and when they do, there is a heavy gender bias.

I suggest that you speak with him regarding his second income. Perhaps there is a good reason why he doesn’t want this commingled for bills usage. When I worked in an industry where I received tips, I rarely used that money for bills due to its unpredictable nature.

But OP also has debt. It sounds like she's shouldering her debt plus most of the household expenses while he's shouldering his own debt and very little of the household expenses. As to the second income, if he's planning to make that his full time work, it needs to be predictable. If not, he shouldn't rely on it. If so, he needs to consider it as income.

Thank you for taking the time to write such a considered response. I appreciate your perspective. We regularly talk about the second job. It's a huge sense of pride for BF. But i let the second income slide for over a year because I thought it wasn't reliable. As soon as BF started saying he wanted it to he his real job, I knew I had to make my move before I found myself paying for the house and supporting someone with unreliable income. If he wants to make it a real gig then this will be the way to find out if he can?

If he needs to work 4 jobs to pay his fair share AND his child support, so be it. Is he a man or a boy? He has no self respect and I guarantee you in another year you will feel deeply resentful and you will be another year tangled together. Start your exit plan which ultimately requires his departure. I take it you child lives with you and his do not which makes the house yours until all is settled. PS: How dare he spend money on vacation if he can't make his child support payments. You have a selfish man child on your hands

I typically see the resistance to split all bills 50/50 from women as opposed to men but regardless, this whole situation is the prime reason why I have always believed you should always just split everything 50/50. Everything from the rent, vacations, dates, everything. It’s a lot harder to feel taken advantage of that way.

I certainly haven't seen resistance from women like you have but I do see resistance from lower earning partners. Personally I don't think 50-50 is usually very fair. I make more than twice what my husband does and doing 50-50 would hurt both of us. He'd either be paying more than he was able to or we'd have to really diminish our lifestyle to make sure he wasn't overspending. It doesn't make sense to do 50-50 unless both people make the same and no one takes off time for kids/family responsibilities.

Is the house in your name only or both your names? If it's in your name only then he should pay fair market value for his living area, not half the mortgage and the repairs/upkeep. If it's in both your names, then he should pay proportional to his income.

It might be beneficial to see a marriage counselor to get this sorted out. From your description it's hard to tell how much each of you is contributing relative to your income. A counselor could play referee, so to speak, and help navigate on what would be acceptable to both of you.

Honestly, while he is being ridiculous and absolutely using the "fun" things he pays for as power plays, it's also not fair to not count them in. There's no reason at all he should be the one paying for dates etc, outside of some outdated beliefs.

What's stopping you from actually splitting things? And I mean splitting them ALL; holidays, dates, takeout etc? As long as there are specific things you don't contribute to he will always have something to hold over you.

But she can at least, without any input from him, take the wind out of his sails. It sounds like he's currently getting a lot of righteousness and power from the fact that he's the big spender - "no I won't help you because look I paid for this holiday and you didn't contribute to anything so I don't have to here, either." He's definitely using that as an argument not to pay for the mortgage, and OP can at least stop that without needing any input from him.

He pays for discretionary stuff (entertainment and travel), she pays the mortgage and essential household bills. Letting him off the hook for paying for the discretionary stuff would make the problem worse, not move them toward a fair system.

Yeah, but it'll take the wind out of his sails, at least. Continuing the way it currently is just leaves him in a position where he can hold something over her head.

And seriously, I know it's the joke that folks on r/relationships are always telling people to break up, but if OP starts paying half of everything and he still refuses to contribute, then it might really just be time to reevaluate the relationship.

Everything you've said is exactly what I want. I do want to be paying half of everything. And I especially don't want him to hold me over a barrel for the fun stuff. The main reason he paid for dates in the past is because i paid the bills, and it was our way of splitting finances. But it's ridiculous actually that we do it like this, especially as we've been together so long. Its what I've been trying to communicate. But he just isn't welcoming the change or added responsibility.

But neither are you, honestly, right? You still went on the holiday, and go on the dates and ate the food and drank the drinks, right? I'm European so maybe it comes easier to me because we don't do the 'dating' thing, but what stops you from just getting your credit card out when the bill comes and saying "split it, please."?

, but what stops you from just getting your credit card out when the bill comes and saying "split it, please."?

Did you read the OP because she answered this in her OP. The fact she has to pay all those bills is what is stopping her from splitting the fun date bill. She doesn't have any disposable income left to split the fun stuff too. The only reason the bf can afford to pay for the fun stuff is because he is shirking on the bills. If they both split the bills then they both would have disposable income.

'European style' is what I'm suggesting we do going forward. We didn't do it in the past because I didn't have the disposable income from paying for the majority of our house. But he did have disposable income from his second job. Now I'm asking him to put that second income towards paying half the house and we also split the dates, dinners, whatever in half too. We always equally paid past holidays, he only paid this recent one.

I think your real issue (outside of your BF being a rather... let's say "difficult" person) is that you seem to be hung up on suggesting and asking.

To some extent this is the same thing that we see here a lot because there's such an emphasis on communication sometimes - communication can only work if the other person actually wants to hear and listen. There are no magic words that can make your boyfriend listen when he doesn't want to, unfortunately.

This could all be solved by not living with someone you're not married to. Bills are so much easier when all your income is going into the same pot. So either A. Force your bf to take on more financial responsibility. B. Get married C. Start a joint checking or D. Break up and move somewhere cheaper

Not everyone who gets married has a shared bank account so that wouldn't necessarily solve this issue. They needed to have a clearer discussion about finances before moving in but it's too late now. Best she can do is bring it up firmly this time and work towards a fair solution...assuming he will want to, which doesn't seem likely.

Child support payments typically do not fully cover every single need of the child for the entire month. My son’s is only enough to cover groceries...for two and a half weeks. I’m pretty sure she still pays expenses for her child.

To be fair, in some jurisdictions, the amount of child support required to be paid is more than what could reasonably be spent on a child in a month. So, the boyfriend in this scenario may be paying more than his fair share for his child, so to exclude child support from the calculus on either end could skew things.

Either way, if there are uncovered child expenses, those could be factored in to the final analysis of OP's net income if what you assume is actually the OP's situation.

You see that she receives a child support payment. You assume that this somehow covers everything the child needs, otherwise there would be no need for your comment in the first place. Receiving a child support payment does not negate other expenses related to the child.

That's not what I'm pointing out. She says that she should be able to figure in to the payments that she has to take care of her own child. Then later, she says that she receives child payments. She contradicted herself in her own story. The courts are not skimpy with child payments. I've seen some of my buddies' garnishes on their paychecks.

That’s not a contradiction? She receives child support and still has to pay for the child outside of child support payments. Your anecdote holds equal weight to mine; I receive about $250 per month in child support payments and that certainly does not cover all of the monthly expenses of having a child.

One parent should not have to shoulder all of the financial responsibility of the child. It takes two to tango, right? Once again, and this is the very last time that I'm going to explain it because obviously no one gets it, she said that she had to support her child, meanwhile the guy is obviously helping, too. OP posted as if she told her partner in the context that she had to shoulder ALL of the financial responsibility for her kid.

From the language that OP has used (child benefit and some others) I think she is in the UK. Im not super familiar with the US child support system, but here in the UK child support is based solely off of income of the other parent, and often doesn't amount to a lot. My ex only pays £140 a month in child support for our son. Thats about $180. Not even close to enough to cover all his expenses. Not by a long shot.

You say that but everything else you’ve said goes against it. You have repeatedly rallied against child support and this woman for counting her child among her financial responsibilities even though receives child support...why? Even with child support, she still financially supports her child. So what the hell is your problem?