King Baby invited us on a special day out. Sophie insisted on driving. The rest of us perched on the roof.

We arrived at King Baby Island, where the inhabitants had erected a 700ft tall statue of their glorious monarch. “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses. There is always room for fresh slaves in the abyssal milk mines.”

King Baby was happy to show off his latest invention, a grid of pure green energy capable of ensnaring the unwary. The grass that grew beneath was of the highest quality, no doubt well-fed by the natural products of decay. King Baby explained that he did not think it proper to leave the foolish unpunished.

At this point, King Baby was set upon by a ravenous grandmother. She had obviously been lurking in the foliage for just such an opportunity. Luckily, King Baby had made provision for this eventuality, and he released the ‘flare’ sibling.

Alarmed by these developments, we had no choice but to leave the youngest member of our party in the clutches of the ravenous grandmother.

King Baby revealed a cunning plan to disguise himself as a piece of chocolate. It seemed a shame to leave, but apparently King Baby Island had a self-destruct mechanism that was automatically activated if it detected the presence of a ravenous grandmother.

Happily, King Baby managed to reclaim the ‘flare’ sibling mere moments before King Baby Island was destroyed forever.

Standing on the boat, as we sailed away from the devastation of King Baby Island, we saw a ruined pedestal, and these words appeared: “My name is King Baby, King Baby of King Babies. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.” Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare, the lone and level (greenish) sands stretched far away.

The stories in my book, Tales From The Storystream, are not quite as strange as the adventures of King Baby, but they are close...

Dark passion filled King Baby’s eyes as he stared into the arena. Below him, Lady Mummy Badger fought the lions with singular vim and determination...but she was flagging. Surely she would never again make the mistake of denying him Paw Patrol. #behaviouralcorrection#bloodsports

It’s every parent’s nightmare - you only nip away for a moment, and when you look back, your baby has set up an impromptu gladiatorial arena and thrown your wife in! Don’t worry, with these top tips it will soon be a situation you handle with ease, to the envy of other dads!

Don’t get angry. Your baby is already in a highly excited state. Extra conflict is only going to make things worse. Perhaps start by gently suggesting you replace the lions (or whatever deadly beast your baby has chosen) with something less hostile, like a stoat or a marginally agitated hamster.

When in Rome…However upset your baby seems in the moment, remember that they will harbour strong protective feelings towards their mother. Sometimes, if you start cheering on the lions (or whatever deadly beast your baby has chosen) it can paradoxically provoke your baby into taking the opposite position. Consider keeping a supply of tridents to hurl into the arena yourself should a situation like this develop. You’ll be amazed by how often they come in handy!

Offer to take your wife’s place. Babies are generally very reasonable creatures, and are often touched by shows of courage. By offering yourself up for slaughter by the lions (or whatever deadly beast your baby has chosen) you may well soften their heart enough to let you off with a light mauling. And think how good it will feel to be ‘the interesting one’ at work on Monday, when the water-cooler chat is all about the cool new scars you have!

Simply let nature take its course. Babies are highly intuitive creatures, and if they’ve decided bloody arena combat is in everyone’s best interests, it may be worth considering that they could be right. This has the additional bonus that if your wife does fend off the lions (or whatever deadly beast your baby has chosen), then you can point out how you have supported her ongoing self-actualisation without intervening. And no mansplaining! She probably knows how to use a javelin better than you, anyway!

When all’s said and done, babies learn by exploring their environments and testing the world in novel ways. Much better to be supportive of this process than to cling to a prescriptive list of ‘do’s’ and ‘don’t’s’. There is much to be learnt from bloody arena combat, probably for the whole family. So try and enjoy it!