Hurricane Dorian Survival Tips

Another hurricane is fixin’ to slam Florida, so we’ve prepared this handy guide. Follow these tips to stay alive and brave the storm like a true Floridian.

1. Fill up your bathtub with water

No need to buy fancy water. Just fill up your bathtub with tap water and drink that if you want to stay alive. Besides, most of the bottled water is gone by now. Please don’t blame the lack of supplies on workers, as many of the “Karens” of our state do:

The hurricane is set to hit us in the next couple days, and our store is already out of water and batteries. Please pray for me and my tongue that’s gonna sore after holding it all day from lashing at all the Karens that feel entitled to product that we dont have. I’ve been here for 30 minutes and have already had 6 customers get nasty with me about it.

2. Stock up on bullets

Florida is proud to be known as the “Gunshine State.” If you plan on surviving here, you better follow precedence and stay armed. You don’t want to lose a gun battle in the aftermath of the storm just because you ran out of bullets. Make sure you got plenty.

3. Recognize that life is essentially meaningless, and your presence here is completely insignificant in the grand context of things

You’re not that important. Stop worrying so much about dying. Just try to enjoy your brief blip here on the blue planet. You have no control over anything, except perhaps over how you react to stimuli.

4. Turn off the news

Corporate media stations are only trying to bait you to sell ads. All those attention-grabbing headlines they fervently publish during storm scares are not designed to inform you, but rather to frighten you so they can increase their advertising revenue. Don’t click the bait. Don’t watch the propaganda. News stations just recycle actual data and turn it into inflammatory nonsense, with about as much effort as I’m putting in to writing this.

5. Stock up on your favorite drugs

Chances are, the power will be out, and you’ll have a lot of time to reflect, without the alluring distractions of online platforms and television. Might as well trip, get high, get wasted or all of the above.

6. Charge your portable power banks

Once the storm settles, you’ll probably want to have a working phone. Often the power stays out for a while, so make sure you got phone juice.

7. Move

Just GTFO of Florida and don’t ever come back. This is good advice in general.

8. Get some candles and lighters/matches

If you want to see things in your home at night, stock up on candles. Make sure you also have something to light them with.

9. Use sandbags to redirect storm water

If your house was built in Florida, chances are, the contractors fucked it up real bad. You can negate their lack of drainage planning with methodically placed sandbags.

10. Have some faith

You will probably survive. If not though, it’s good to have a basic belief system (reincarnation, afterlife, etc.) so your demise is less worrisome.

Got a tip you’d like to add? Please share your expertise in the comments!