Jessica Simpson's Career In Retrograde and Other Celebrity Astrological Predictions for the Coming Year

Antipodean charlatan-to-the-stars Teymara Antonio-Wright has released her star predictions for 2008, drawing upon the prognostigatory powers of Jupiter's relation to Orion's belt buckle to forecast what the coming year has in store for Dannielynn Birkhead. You can't make this stuff up. A quick pick from the passel over at ETOnline:

LINDSAY LOHAN:

"She's still in a very up-and-down period of time, through July of next year. Now this up-and-down period of time is going to create a lot of different emotional upheavals for her. She needs a lot of support around her."

An instance of the insight one can only glean from reading the stars. Or Star.

TOM CRUISE & KATIE HOLMES:

"They are real soulmates," she says of the IT couple. "And I'm telling you now, she ain't no pushover. She's a very, very strong little lady. She's got a very, very powerful chart. And I see another baby. And I seem to feel around them another girl. He's got the chart of an absolutely amazing, amazing father."

Thanks for that utter, utter piffle that your shameless, shameless editors decided to run on this slow, slow news day.

MARIE OSMOND:

"Marie Osmond — what an amazing chart she has. She's a here for a particular reason on the planet.

Yes. It's called evolution. (Don't tell her.)

ROSIE O'DONNELL:

"2008 is the year of her doing a lot of questions, 'Who am I really and what am I really here to do?'

Thankfully, Rosie maintains a blog that handily answers these questions:

who am i?
what am i here to do?
cupcakes are yummy
pressing the keyboard makes letters appear
writing is hard
but only if you think before you write
2008
a year to celebrate rosie
and talk about rosie
and be rosie
i'm going to like 2008
oh look, the episode of friends where they switch apartments is on