Through the auspices of the EU, German leader Angela Merkel has demanded that British sausage makers either stop producing sausages forthwith or pay a per sausage licence fee to the German government of approximately £1.50 per sausage to the German government.

“Sausages are a German innovation,” said German MEP Herr Willy Flicka. “It is only right and correct that Britain pay a licence fee of £1.50 per sausage to the fatherland. When you were our friends before the Brexit vote – apart from that twat Farage – we were happy to let you make sausages as a gesture of our good will. But now you have made it abundantly clear that you don’t like us, so you can pay the licence fee, you Fockers.”

“This is a disaster for British sausage manufacturers,” said Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University. “It’ll mean the price of a sausage sandwich or a hot dog will go up to around £10 a throw. It’s not good news for butchers or sausage manufacturers, and you can kiss your Cumberlands and your Lincs goodbye. As far as sausages go it’s game over. And all because we voted Brexit. It’s a crying shame really, but – on a positive note – at least the Germans haven’t invaded Poland yet.”

Enjoy while you still can. By next week it’ll be history. The Classic Full English.

Whilst it was inevitable that there would be a backlash from Europe over Britain’s decision to leave the EU, nobody stopped to consider that the classic ‘Full English Breakfast’ might be the first move in a war of attrition as Denmark slapped a ban on all exports of bacon to the UK. In a shock move, the Danish Food and Agriculture Minister announced in Copenhagen today that with immediate effect, all exports of bacon and allied products to the UK will be suspended.

“The British have been doing a lot of fighting talk of late,” Peppa Schnitzel told the Danish parliament. “They’ve called us all many bad things, so we will not only be saving our bacon, we’ll be keeping it. They are not having any more from us. It serves the selfish pigs right. A Full English cannot possibly be a Full English without bacon.”

Industry experts here in the UK say that the Danish move will have a devastating effect on national morale, even though Ireland – our second major bacon provider hasn’t announced a similar retaliatory move. Yet…

Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University responded that the Danish bacon blockade will result in the price of a single rasher of smoked back or streaky bacon to rise to £9.00 as things stand.

“In reality it’ll mean the price of a bacon sandwich purchased in a cafe or at a food van will go up to around £40,” Professor Mist said. “And if the Irish adopt a similar tactic then bacon will become completely unaffordable, even if you can get your hands on a black market supply. It’ll be more expensive than saffron. It’s all quite tragic really.”

We’ll never see the like again.

Soon to be ex-Prime Minister David Cameron is said to be “gutted” by the news – being a huge lover of all things pork and bacon related – but insisted it isn’t his fault.

“Let me be perfectly clear on this,” he said. “It isn’t my fault. I asked the public to vote remain but they didn’t. Everybody hates me now.”

Although nobody in their right mind could ever take the DAILY EXPRESS seriously, one has to wonder whether they’re taking the piss out of their own cerebrally challenged readership. The latest target for the froth at the mouth kippers who frequent the EXPRESS is an article describing how EU bosses scuppered plans to serve a full English breakfast at the recent round of Brussels Brexit negotiations.

Predictably the kipperati are up in arms about it, as usual, but is it actually true?

Even long distance scrutiny instantly reveals that the story has no foundation whatsoever – just a bunch of uncredited sources describing something that it is highly unlikely to have ever actually happened. So basically it’s all a load of bollocks.

Pretty much like every other EU myth the EXPRESS publishes.

Yet it’s succeeded in getting the less stable members of the EXPRESS readership foaming like rabid dogs at the outrageousness of it all. As can be seen by the three comments reproduced below.

“MarkMacdJust another example of EU contempt for Britain and our Great people. Why would anyone want to continue to stay In is beyond me.”

“PhilipHiltonBrussels at their most hypocritical bureaucratic ineptness by banning a traditional English breakfast-will covering it in chocolate do the job?”

“AlfGarnetThey cannot stand anything English or British. The control freak spit out their dummy *** FRENCH and ( BELGIUMS) continue to run this illegal migrant (now swamped) shocking federal monster of an UN-common Market. Exit this sodden pathetic red tape strewn political clown-house.”

Which makes any sane person wonder.

Is the EXPRESS playing to its audience? Is the EXPRESS taking the piss? Or, even more disturbingly – Does the EXPRESS actually believe the total bollocks it publishes?

Congratulations on your successful election campaign and we wish you every success in your new position, representing the people of Fareham in parliament over the coming five years and possibly beyond.

Right, that’s the formalities concluded. Now down to business.

It has come to our notice (‘our’ meaning my good lady wife and I, together, the two of us) that within a mere 48 hours of winning the seat, you appear to have certainly hit the ground running with your assertion that most people you have spoken to are in favour of the Welborne development plan, as outlined in an article for The News.

Upon reading this ambiguous statement we were left with a rather uncomfortable feeling deep within our roiling tummies.

How many people did you speak to? How many were against the project?

We ask simply because most people we’ve spoken to appear to be either blissfully unaware of the proposed development, or that they haven’t actually thought through the long term implications. The pro-Welborne stance maintains that the development will be an overall asset to the area, whereas a burgeoning anti-Welborne movement foresee nothing but chaos. The arguments on both sides have been pretty well documented, and we are confident that you will have spent many hours poring over reams of claim and counter-claim in order to familiarise yourself with a comprehensive overview of the contrasting arguments.

(You have my deepest sympathy for having the patience to scan reams of gobbledook and officialise – many years ago I too had to burn the midnight oil studying Thomas Hardy’s ‘Far From The Madding Crowd’ for a GCE O Level English Lit exam, so I am fully aware of what a pain in the posterior intensive cramming can actually be. Heaven alone knows how you barristers cope with all that swotting over masses of complicated books; in my experience Hardy was more than sufficiently challenging.)

All of which leads me to beg the question: What is your personal stance regarding Welborne, based on whatever information you have gleaned?

I ask this because there appear to be grave concerns among the anti-Welborne campaigners (whom the council leader allegedly refers to – somewhat dismissively by all accounts – as ‘keyboard warriors’) that you will, as an individual and a resident, toe the council line and unconditionally support the proposal.

Now, I must admit that I am not a supporter of the development plan, and add that I am not to the best of my knowledge a swivel eyed loon, although this may occasionally be a debatable point on the occasions when I’ve overdone it a bit on the mead. Thus it came about that I actually defended you this morning in our kitchen, to my wife as she was preparing a hearty fried breakfast – cholesterol and fat laden admittedly but you only live once, and a full English is one of life’s finest treats in my humble opinion.

“No,” I told my wife in no uncertain terms. “Suella will NOT be biased towards the local council in the great Welborne debate, because she is the elected representative of all the people of Fareham, and she will represent ALL of us equally – even the anti-Welborne rabble, for that is her duty.”

I Just Want A Normal Breakfast. Is That Too Much To Ask?

My wife didn’t seem completely convinced by my argument in your favour and as an expression of her disgust with me she subsequently smothered my breakfast in mingingly hot chilli sauce. Undeterred I ate my breakfast anyway and my eyes stopped streaming at about tea-time. Which is when I was moved to type out this message.

Are you for or against Welborne? Against or for? Or are you neutral?

The anti-Welborne movement have a Facebook page which you are cordially invited to join. They really aren’t a fanatical NIMBY type group – they welcome all opinions with an open mind.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/381680855306724/

I hope you can take time out from your busy schedule to confirm your stance on this matter, not least because I don’t think I can stand too many hot chilli smothered fried breakfasts as it’s starting to play havoc with my motions.

The recent publication of a breakfast picture featured in a Café Spike article about beef plums sparked a serious domestic incident at the site’s offices when resident chef, Carolina Del Greelio took exception and demanded in no uncertain terms that the picture, which depicted what she described as ‘a crap breakfast’ be deleted forthwith and replaced with something “better reflective of the chef’s talents” or face castration without anaesthetic.

“I didn’t think it was a bad shot,” Editor Martin Shuttlecock said. “It wasn’t spectacular, granted, but it looked appetising enough to me on the day I woke up starving hungry.”

Del Greelio did not agree, describing the illustration as: “Something I banged out whilst waiting for the kettle to boil.”

“I repented,” Shuttlecock admitted. “We’ve often been accused by some of our many detractors of writing about what we’ve had to eat, but quite frankly I thought the picture looked fine. I actually like tinned plum tomatoes, black pudding, bacon, egg and toast – even if the whole shebang is swimming in tomato juice. But she wasn’t happy and she wasn’t having it. She demanded that I change it immediately. At first I refused point-blank because I actually really enjoyed that breakfast. But it’s amazing how persuasive an angry wife armed with a rusty pair of garden shears and evil intent can be.

The Old Version – We Didn’t Care How Runny It Was

“So I changed it to the amended version. It’s got smoked back bacon, a fried egg on a circle of fried bread, mushrooms, tomatoes and black pudding in the new screenshot, and she’s actually asked me to point out that the moisture on view isn’t grease – merely natural juices brought forth by expert cookery techniques. So there – duly pointed out.

“I was going to say that this isn’t truly representative of a typical full English breakfast because it doesn’t have sausages or beans on it but she waved the rusty garden shears at me, with a truly psychopathic gleam in her eye and an air of such malevolent intent that I gave in and agreed to supplant the existing brekky pic with something slightly more appetising.

“I’ll be sleeping with one eye open tonight because I’m not sure where she’s hidden the rusty garden shears.”

“I’m the guv’nor in this house and don’t you forget it,” Chef Del Greelio said in closing. “And he is a bit of a twat when all’s said and done.”

*Next time – How I spent three hours sitting on a chair by the oven door basting a bird because she challenged me to cook honey roast duck. I swear she stitched me up like a kipper. – By Martin Shuttlecock.*