You Is the Psychological Thriller Showing How Dangerous Rom-Com Tropes Can Be

We’re living in the age of the romantic comedy renaissance. But with the return of rom-coms also comes the return of the genre’s sometimes harmful tropes. Charming leads and rationalizations of “true love” attempt to sugarcoat awkward and even dangerous moments in rom-coms: stalking becomes a meet-cute, abusive jealousy becomes showing affection. But it’s rare that a movie or TV show turns the magnifying glass on itself, exposing these actions for what they really are.

Enter: Lifetime’s You.

Based off the novel by Caroline Kepnes, the show studies how alarming certain rom-com tropes can be when examined up close. It stars Gossip Girl’s Penn Badgley, and his character Joe Goldberg is similar to Dan Humphrey on the surface. Both men are outsiders desperate to gain entry into a world orbited by the woman they love. In Gossip Girl, Dan assumes the secret identity of the anonymous blogger to truly understand Serena Van Der Woodsen’s Blake Lively world, and places himself as a vital character within it. The viewer doesn’t learn of Dan’s alternate identity until the series finale, thus not leaving time to truly process all the surveillance he did during six seasons as Gossip Girl. But it’s fine, we’re expected to believe, since he ends up marrying the woman he cyber-stalked for years.

In You, Joe Goldberg becomes obsessed with student Guinevere Beck (Elizabeth Lail) and is able to place himself within Beck’s life as the “perfect boyfriend” so she can’t escape him. In You, viewers are privy to every manipulation as it happens. We see every stunt Joe pulls, and unlike in previous movies and television shows where the behavior is written off as romantic, this time, it’s presented as anything but. While in some movies, a love interest who shows a mild level of jealousy can be used for the narrative to show they “care,” Joe’s jealousy makes him murderous. He kidnaps Beck’s ex-boyfriend, Benji, to weed out “competition” and holds Benji hostage in his book store basement. Eventually, Joe gives Benji coffee with peanut oil — which Joe knows he’s deathly allergic to — to kill him.

Modern dating usually involves some light internet stalking before meeting IRL (a scroll through instagram, a scan of old Facebook photos) but Joe takes it to the extreme. Early on in his courtship, Joe stalks Beck both digitally—hacking into the phone she thinks she lost and reverse-image-searching one of her photos to find out where she lives—and physically, by staking out her apartment. When Beck comes home while Joe is inside her apartment (unbeknownst to her), he hides in her shower when she enters the bathroom. It’s not romanticized: Joe is clearly a stalker.

Later on, Joe sees Beck’s best friend Peach Salinger (Shay Mitchell) as another threat: Joe believes Peach is in love with Beck, and that she controls and manipulates Beck to remain her best friend. He attempts to kill Peach while she’s out on a run, but that fails, so he shoots her later outside her cabin (which he stalked her to) and frames it as death by suicide. In reality, Joe is a much bigger threat to Beck’s safety than Peach ever was, his obsession with Beck leading to the death of those loved by Beck.

Another attribute Joe plays up to win Beck’s favor is how woke he is. He talks negatively about other men, hoping to appear more progressive and desirable to Beck in comparison. Joe looks down on Benji for being a sell-out partier who wasn’t “good enough” for Beck, while Joe uses this superiority to justify how he’s the best match for her. They both love books, have a witty banter, and physical chemistry: Joe uses that to support what he does for what he believes is their love. They’re meant to be, or at least that’s what Joe thinks.

But even when it seems like Joe makes a turnaround, like when he stops using Beck’s old phone to read her text messages, emails, and plans, he still jumps back into his old ways. When Beck is fired from her position as a TA, Joe offers a job to Beck in his book shop where he’s a manager. It seems kind and generous on the surface, but he does it to keep a constant eye on Beck, and of course, to maintain control over her. When Beck breaks up with Joe, or is clear that she doesn’t want to be with him, he still finds a way back in her life. Bottom line: He doesn’t respect her wishes, and can’t accept when the woman he “loves” doesn’t want him, after he has done everything he can to be “perfect” for her. The best thing he could do for her, which he refuses, is to leave her the hell alone.

Beck eventually does catch up with how jealous and controlling Joe is — albeit not to the extent of everything he has done, at least not yet in the first half of You season one. But before then, she does appear to think for much of their relationship that his tendencies are cute and romantic.

And why shouldn’t she? Romantic comedies have largely taught us that all can be forgiven, that everything done with the goal of uniting two people who are meant to be together is OK, even when it’s not. In Sierra Burgess is a Loser, Jamey forgives Sierra for lying about her identity and pretending to be deaf. In The Kissing Booth, Elle looks past Noah Flynn kissing her when she’s blindfolded and thinking she’s about to kiss someone else along with his bouts of anger. While rom-coms rely on some suspension of reality, it’s worth questioning the things we as viewers find alluring, and the ways the romanticization of awkward and potentially abusive situations can trickle into our perceptions of love IRL.

It’s thrilling to finally see a rom-com revival, but thankfully, You is also deconstructing some of the tropes that the genre continuously showcases. At its core, You shows that some rom-com behavior is anything but romantic.