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Closure

Goodbyes are something that some may take for granted. It is just a word, right? Two syllables that mean almost nothing. But one thing that I have regretted most the last 7 years is how I never got the chance to say that word to my best friend before she took her last breath, thousands of miles away from where I was. My last form of communication to her was an e-mail. One which I never knew if she read. Without that closure, I feel as though in the past 7 years, I never moved on at all. She used to be the only person who knew every single detail of my life, and knew the darkest recesses of my mind.

I miss her. Some days I miss her so much I can’t even get out of bed. The physical pain I get from that longingness debilitates me so much. They say you’ll move on some day. But some days, it feels worse than the day that I got the phone call. Some days, something happens that I want to tell her, but I can’t. Some days, something happens that reminds me of her and I break down, hard. Cue the ugly cry.

I know that this post seems more personal than general. It’s because it is. But with things like these, personal’s the way to go, is it not? I have to say though, I know there are people out there like me. The people who never got their last goodbyes. The people who kick themselves in the ballsack (real or imaginary) constantly because of the ‘what if’’s. Closure may not sound all that important to you, but it may be the only cure to our never ending cycle of self-loathing. I don’t know for sure, but I’m willing to try.

I lost my soulmate. Yes, she was my best friend and I wasn’t romantically in love with her, but she was. As cheesy as it may sound, she made me whole. She believed in me when no one else would. She would stay up for hours and put everything else on hold when I needed her. She would never give up on midnight birthday wishes even though she knew the real reason why I hate my birthday. She never failed to put a smile on my face when I had bouts of ugly cries. We would fight vigorously, and sometimes it felt like forever, but we would always kiss and make up after because she taught me something that I now hold dear: true best friends are not friends, they are family, that’s why you fight so much and can’t stand each other but that’s also why you forgive each other regardless and can’t stand to be without each other. She taught me many things about friendship that no one else has. And this is why I need closure. I need to ‘see’ her and let her know that I’m thankful for all that she’s done for me, and also tell her that we had a fucking ball, but it’s time for me to let go. Without proper closure, goodbyes are never real. I need this to be real. I need to be able to move on with my life.

So for any of you out there who have loved and lost, but never had the chance to say goodbye… maybe the real reason your life feels like it constantly sucks is because you need a proper way to let go. I know, because I’m right there with you.

I wrote the above months ago when I was preparing to see her for the last time. I got back from that trip a different person. We had plenty of catching up to do. Sure, they were all one-sided conversations, but boy did I feel like a new person after. Everything negative I’ve held in was released back into the ether. And you know what? I’m in love with the new me. Since I got back, nothing has gotten me down. It’s so refreshing. I sound like a happy hippie, but that’s how I feel all the time now. I’m finding new ways to enjoy life and myself. Somebody wrote me something that would have annoyed the hell out of me just months ago, but what did I do? Nothing! Not a bloody thing! Because for the first time in forever, I can truly mean it when I say I don’t give a shit! It’s so liberating. I’ve rearranged my life since, and cut out the negativity. I truly think I can owe this to closure. The past 7 years has been hell, but I’ve shed that ugly skin. I hope that you’d get to this point too someday, especially if a loss has affected you as much as it did me.