I am 33 and I have spent about 20 years looking for the perfect purse. I've tried them all. Expensive ones. Cheap ones. Messenger. Shoulder. Backpack. Handheld. Big. Small. Tote. Compartments. No compartments. Black. Colorful. Plain. Ornate. Even some custom made ones have turned around to bite me in the ass. I have yet to find what I want.

My ideal bag should have one or two outside pockets, a bit of stashing room but not huge or bulky. Preferably not leather. Not a bunch of hanging crap, fringe or dangling junk. No useless buckles. Must be lightweight. Must be durable. Not trendy, no dumbass logos all over it. Must have a shoulder strap of some kind. Must be a bit unusual, something not everyone on earth would have. Is this too much to ask?

I pledge allegiance to and wrap myself in the flag of the United States Against Anything Un-American and to the Republicans for which it stands, two nations, under Jesus, rich against poor, with curtailed liberty and justice for all except blacks, homosexuals, women who want abortions, Communists, welfare queens, treehuggers, feminazis, illegal immigrants, children of illegal immigrants, and you if you don't watch your step.-Matt Groening, Life in Hell