Mom O Matic

This is a guest post by Ellis Lindsay for Adam & Eve. Ellis is a freelance writer who covers a variety of topics on romance, dating, and relationship advice.

Things can get kind of routine when you've been married for awhile. The water spray on the bathroom mirror, the funky morning breath, the Mexican restaurant every third Thursday of the month, the 4-o-clock-kids-mini-van-soccer-pick-up-time, and even the late Friday night sex routine. But that's also what makes marriage awesome. It's life; it's your life and you wouldn't want anything else--BUT let's be real. Sex was a whole lot more fun way back when, right? You didn't have to rush, schedule, be quiet or think about semantics. It was just a here, now, throw down, show down kind of thing, amiright!?

No, you may not be able to get away with doing the nasty in the back seat of your car any more and you can't just get away for a weekend of nakedness, but you can make things fun again. And that's what sex is really all about, anyway... having fun, enjoying each other and rocking each others socks off. Try using some of these fun-inducing ideas if your sex life has gone from Samantha Jones (Sex and the City) to Charlotte York.

Get into Character--this is can be a fun way to make things feel new and even like you're sleeping with someone new, which may not be something you truly want, but is very exciting. For this, try role playing in bed with different characters or scenarios. Have fun with it by dressing up, putting on an accent and jumping into the role. Do your best to stay in the role the entire time.

Get unbored with board games--You know those cutesy adult board games you can get at sex stores like Adam and Eve? Some of them are kind of cheesy and others can be a fun way to introduce new positions, acts and moves. Make a night of it. Stay in with some wine and bust out the games. Don't want to spend any money on games? Just play strip poker instead. Learn how to play here.

Throw sex out the window--You know when you go on a diet and say, "I'm not going to eat chocolate anymore!" and then all you can think about is chocolate. It's like this cruel trick you play on your brain. The fun thing is, you can also do it with sex (so forget about giving up the chocolate--that's just blasphemous). Make a pact with the hubster that you're both going to give up sex for a week-two weeks-whatever really seems like a long time for the two of you. You're only allowed to kiss and maybe go to second base if you're scandalous. It will be frustrating (in a good way) at times and leave you both dieing to dive into each other.

Swing around--No, I don't mean as a couple, unless you want to cause that can be fun, too, but I'm actually referring to getting a sex swing. A sex swing can be a super easy way to make sex amazingly fun again. Sex swings not only allow you to swing to orgasm, but also get you into various positions that are usually uncomfortable or unsuccessful on a bed. Hook it up to the ceiling or have it free-standing, either way, you won't regret it.

Seduction Junction--Remember how sexy you felt when you used to get picked up in bars when you were single? It was awesome, right? Well, there's no reason you can't still live it up today, now you can just do it with your husband. Pick a night, get dressed up and both head out to a bar or restaurant. Sit apart from each other and order a drink. Hang out by yourself for 10-20 minutes, but occasionally make eyes at your partner. Have him come over when your drink starts to run dry and chat it up. Act like you don't even know each other. Order another round of drinks and pull out your best seductive moves. Then have him pick up the bill, leave with him and go home and have the best fake one-night stand ever.

So Mom O Matic has been gone for a bit now, but I had to temporarily reopen the blog to boast that I am in Jenny's book selflessly promote Jenny Lawson's amazing new book! Her book is called, Let's Pretend This Never Happened and you should buy a big stack of copies because you'll want to give it out to everyone you know that needs a laugh, which is everyone.

To help you spot the book in stores I'm providing a screenshot of the cover and have helpfully marked where you can find mention of Lotta (p201) and my real name Tanya (Acknowledgements).*

*If you live in the western suburbs of Chicago or have access to a private plane I would be available to come over and show you the pages myself because I'm a giver.

It was pretty cool to see Lotta resurrected in print, and knowing Jenny (did I mention I know Jenny?) I was able to recognize that this resurrection means she equates me with Jesus so I think we can safely assume any references in the book about "Jesus" are me as well. And I want to let her know that no matter how famous I become from being in this book or healing the sick I will always have a place for her in my heart.

This is a picture from a themed dress up party and I don't normally wear a getup like this. Except for the lighter in the bra strap, cause that's just handy. Also, the marks on my neck are fake hickeys made with eyeshadow, cause everyone knows the real ones go on the inside of your upper arms, duh.

I'm pretty sure Jenny will become super famous and take me along for the ride and so you'll want to get your hands on a first edition as quickly as possible. Thanks for reading about me Jenny! Go buy the book!

It is time to move on and focus on the many new projects percolating in my head. Thanks for reading, commenting, emailing, and for coming back after I took some blogging breaks. I may pop up again with a new online venture some day. Momomatic has been a great adventure thank you for being part of it. Love, Tanya.

A friend recently suggested that we do a "red dinner" for Valentines. She and her family had done them growing up and she swears that she even opted out of a few romantic valentines dates to stay behind for the annual dinner.So we did it! Pasta with red sauce, red jello, beets and red punch. Sure the table looked a little like a mob hit when everyone was done messily eating. But it was fun to have a tradition, especially one that meant our daughter might not end up in the backseat of a boys car on Valentines Day of 2021.

Now I'm trying to think of a great St. Patrick's Day tradition for our family. Since we already did colored food for valentines I wanted to go a different route with this holiday. So husband and I had some Guinness and brainstormed. He suggested serving Lucky Charms for dinner and then getting a babysitter so we could go drink green beer at the local pub.

I suggested smushing out a puddle of green pesto sauce onto the counter top and sticking some black plastic Barbie shoes in it. I told my husband that he could smack the counter real hard and when the kids came running in we could tell them that Daddy got a leprechaun. Then show them the green sauce with the shoes floating on top. When they cried we could say "ta da...the spoils!" and pull out the gold chocolate coins from our behind our backs.

My husband was all "I think you need help." and I was all "Well duh. But we have pesto sauce right?" And now I'm apparently "banned from coming up with the family's holiday traditions" until I have a Doctors note.

About Me

I'm married to the man I fell in love with in high school. He claims I amuse him daily, I claim I drove him crazy long ago. We both agree that we still love each other even though our asses look nothing like they did in 1989. We managed to produce two incredible kids that amaze, enthrall and exhaust us.
The Mom O Matic blog has been overdisclosing (on and off) since 2006.
You can reach me at momomaticsattic (@) gmail (dot) com.