my journey through the depression jungle

damned if i do, damned if i don’t

my wife has been pushing exercise recently. I definitely comprehend and understand that exercise would be good for me. hell, exercise and diet alone pulled me through my first depressive cycle. right now, i just can’t find the motivation to exercise. that leaves me with the damned if i do damned if i don’t dilemma.

option #1 – tell the truth

if I tell her the truth a couple of cascades most likely happen. I can almost imagine her martyrdom right now. “oh, i guess i shouldn’t of said anything in the first place, i guess I was wrong.”, she’ll say as she offers up a hearty serving of guilt. i can also imagine her face and the disappointment that would emanate from her. a healthy dose of judgement would ride along with disappointment. that disappointment would cause me to doubt my decision and doubt myself. sounds like a great choice, huh?

option #2 – don’t tell the truth

this choice has its own pitfalls. by telling her that i did exercise, she gets to live in this perceived happiness that i did like she asked. she’d be able to path herself on the back for a job well done. in the meantime, I only have to throw out values that i find integral and important to my life. i only have to deny my integrity and blow away my authenticity. these are only two of my most important values in my life, no biggie. questioning my foundational values always leads to struggle with how I value myself. see, i told you this choice had problems, too.

so there you have it, my damned if i do, damned if i don’t dilemma. chime in on your choice, if you wish.

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About bipolarsojourner

i have struggled with episodic depression for years. i then received a diagnosis of being bipolar, only to find out i didn’t. ends up my psychiatrist really meant to say that multiple bouts of depression are often best treated like bipolar. i had already started this blog as bipolar sojourner and didn't want to switch it over. i am documenting my journeys through my depression jungle.

Ahhh I know how this feels. Although I can never lie to my boyfriend because I feel all guilty inside. XD He suggests things such as this but he doesn’t quite understand how hard it is sometimes to even get up and take a piss. Why not start out easy and stretch? It’s the easiest thing I can get myself to do and you don’t have to move around very much hell, you don’t even have to stand if you don’t want to.

What about telling her that you appreciate that she cares and wants to help. That you know how beneficial exercise is and that you know she is giving good advice. And tell her that depression can simply annihilate motivation, hell, people choose to actively terminate their own life while depressed. Depression destroys rational thinking and natural self-preservation behavior. Let her know how much it means to you that she cares, and her best attempt to try to understand how you feel is also valuable. Perhaps you can agree that if she encourages without any guilt, you’ll do a 20 minute walk with her tomorrow.

this is me-i’m the one in the middle

i have struggled with episodic depression for years. i then received a diagnosis of being bipolar, only to find out i didn’t. ends up my psychiatrist really meant to say that multiple bouts of depression are often best treated like bipolar. i had already started this blog as bipolar sojourner and didn't want to switch it over. i am documenting my journeys through my depression jungle.