When Jamie came in my office this week, she reported feeling disappointed. Jamie thought she had kicked her emotional eating habits because, through lots of practice, she became adept at not eating when she was feeling sad or stressed. This was something that Jamie had struggled with a lot at first because initially she thought she would not be able to handle feeling sad or stressed without turning to food. Through our work together, Jamie learned that negative emotions are not going to kill her and she can do other things to comfort herself which will not have the end result of jeopardizing her diet and ultimately making her feel worse. Jamie always gave herself a lot of credit for being able to handle these negative emotions without turning to food by using a multitude of other distracting techniques, like calling her sister or a friend, going for a walk, taking a shower, painting her nails, or listening to relaxing music.

Yesterday evening, however, Jamie was out with a friend for dinner and midway through she got a phone call from her mother who made her angry and they ended up getting into a fight. Jamie hung up the phone, still feeling mad. Even though she’d almost finished the amount of food she had carefully portioned off from her plate that she would eat at dinner (and was planning to bring the rest home for lunch the next day), Jamie told me that she then proceeded to eat almost everything that was left on her plate, seemingly without noticing what she was doing. It wasn’t until Jamie looked down at her near-empty plate that she realized she had just engaged in emotional eating, but this time it was in response to anger, not sadness or stress and felt discouraged. I asked Jamie what she did after she realized this and Jamie reported that she left the restaurant, took a walk with her friend, and then called her mother to work the situation out. I then asked Jamie if she had proceeded to order dessert at the restaurant or had gone home and eaten whatever was in her house. In an almost puzzled fashion, Jamie answered, “of course not.” I recognized what was going on here –Jamie was only focusing on the one mistake she had made that night and was not seeing all the multitude of great things she had done immediately after.

I asked Jamie what she might have done a few years ago when she felt angry or worked up like that and she reported that she probably would have gone on to eat a lot more food to soothe herself. I also asked Jamie what she would have done in a situation in which she made an eating mistake and Jamie acknowledged that she probably would have gone on to eat a lot more the rest of the night, thinking she had blown it. Jamie and I discussed how very differently she handled this situation and all of the important things that she deserved credit for. Jamie was able to see that she deserved credit for:

Once she realized she had eaten more than she planned, she did not catastrophize and continue to eat out of hand the rest of the night

After dinner she took a walk to calm herself down instead of turning to more food

She got problem-solving oriented and called her mom to work out the problem

She was able to identify what was going on – that she was eating because she was angry – and respond to sabotaging thoughts that were urging her to keep eating

She was ready to learn from the situation and would be more aware of all forms of emotional eating in the future

I pointed out to Jamie what I point out to all of my dieters: that ALL dieters and maintainers make mistakes, they are just able to recover from them right away. Jamie and I discussed the fact that, without even realizing it, this is exactly what Jamie did because as soon as she realized she had eaten more than she planned, she put the brakes on eating right away. We also talked about the fact that instead of feeling good about this situation and how she had proved to herself that she can recover right away, Jamie was actually making herself feel worse by only focusing on the one thing she did wrong, instead of the 20 positive things she did right after. Jamie and I decided that as part of her homework this week, she would start focusing more on giving herself credit for all the positive things she did, both big and small.

The Emotional Eater is one who eats when she feels strong emotions – either negative or positive. When she feels upset she may think, “I deserve to eat now because I’m very upset,” or “The only way I can calm down is to eat.” Through these sabotaging thoughts and others, the emotional eater convinces herself that it is okay to eat when she is feeling heightened emotions and that eating is a reasonable way to calm down and feel comforted. In reality, people do deserve to calm down and receive comfort when they are upset, but they do not need to do this by turning to food, because that will likely just make them feel worse in the end.

Tips for ending emotional eating:

Emotional eaters need a list of distracting activities that they can immediately start doing when they feel aroused emotionally, which will help them calm down without turning to food.

Emotional eaters should remind themselves that people who have never had a weight problem don’t eat when they are upset. Instead they usually they try to solve the problem, answer back their negative thinking, take deep breaths, go for a walk, call a friend, or get back to a task.

Even if it is a scheduled time to eat or drink, if someone is upset, it is best that she wait until she has calmed down to eat so that she proves to herself that she is able to calm down without eating.

The Deprived Eater is one who tries to eat as little as possible and often attempts to eliminate all foods that he considers “bad.” The deprived eater may think, “It’s important that I eat as little as possible and never touch sweets or carbs so that I can lose weight as quickly as possible.” Through these sabotaging thoughts and others, the deprived eater enters a cycle of deprivation and overeating, because eating too little leads his body to eventually rebel and then he goes on to consume way too many calories. In reality, it is important for the deprived eater to eat in a healthy and scheduled way, and not try to cut anything out of his diet permanently, so that he will be able to find a system of eating that works for him that he will be able to keep up for the long term.

Tips for ending the Deprivation/Binge Cycle:

Deprived eaters need to get rid of the idea, “ I should eat as little as I can,” by reminding themselves that eating like that in the past has only caused them to eventually overeat and gain back any weight they may have lost during their period of deprivation.

Deprived eaters need not to eliminate any food from their diet now that they would eventually like to start eating again. Instead, they should learn how to work their favorite foods into a healthy lifestyle from the beginning. Otherwise, they are likely to gain weight back when they try to reintroduce these foods.

Deprived eaters need to treat most days the same and not deprive themselves some days and overeat on other days, so that they can build up their skills and abilities to maintain healthy eating no matter what day it is.

The Stressed Eater is one who does not feel entitled to take the time to sit down and enjoy her meals and instead will often grab something while sitting at the computer or doing other tasks. The stressed and distracted eater often will end up eating much more than she had planned to later on because she will not notice how much she is eating and will then feel unsatisfied. Stressed eaters need to build up their sense of entitlement to take care of themselves and maintain a healthy lifestyle by taking the time to prepare meals and enjoy eating them.

Tips for ending distracted and stressed eating:

Stressed eaters might need to initially do some problem-solving to figure out when and how they will take the time to get and prepare healthy foods and sit down to enjoy them, distraction-free.

Stressed eaters especially need to make sure that they are noticing every bite of what they are eating it and enjoy it, so that they feel satisfied and do not end up overeating later.

Stressed eaters need to remind themselves that they are entitled to take time for themselves and develop a healthy lifestyle, and they will function better once they start doing this on a regular basis.

The Social Eater often will overeat in the presence of family or friends, telling themselves a number of sabotaging thoughts, including “it’s okay to eat this because…everyone else is doing it/it’s a special occasion/I’ll stand out if I don’t eat it/I don’t want to have to eat differently from other people.” Social eaters need to remind themselves that they can’t have it both ways: they can’t eat everything they want, when they want, and also lose weight and keep it off. Social eaters have to work toward accepting the fact that they may not be able to eat the same foods or the same portions of food as everyone around them, but they will be able to feel great about being able to lose weight and keep it off.

Tips for ending social eating:

Social Eaters can often eat what people around them are eating, but in smaller quantities. However, they may be better off eating larger portions of more healthful foods so that they feel more satisfied.

Social Eaters need to remind themselves that just because everyone around them is eating something does not mean it’s okay for them to eat it, because calories other people take in has nothing to do with calories they take in.

Social eaters should remind themselves that while they may be giving up eating as much as everyone around them is eating, they will also get to lose weight and feel good about themselves, which is more important than any momentary pleasure from food.

Most of the dieters whom I treat overeat when they’re feeling stressed or experiencing a negative emotion such as anxiety, sadness, anger, shame, and so on. They often have one or both of the following unhelpful ideas:

“There’s nothing I can do to calm down when I’m upset.”

“I deserve to eat when I’m upset.”

As long as they hold beliefs like these, they will remain vulnerable to regaining the weight they have lost. They need to change their thinking. They need to learn how to accept and tolerate negative feelings and how to cope with stress in more healthy ways.

Katie, a dieter whom I saw last year, had been doing so well initially. Early on, she was highly motivated and was able to stay on track even when she was upset. When she became upset, she would tell herself, “NO CHOICE. It’s not time to eat. I CAN’T eat now.” She would turn her attention to something else, her negative feelings would slowly subside, and she’d feel proud that she had stuck to her plan.

But then Katie went through a particularly stressful period. Her father was hospitalized. Her youngest child started having problems in school. She got a new supervisor at work who was making unreasonable demands on her. Katie continued to follow her eating plan throughout each day. But come 9 pm, when her children were in bed, the permission granting beliefs above led to Katie’s consuming “all the carbs I can get my hands on,” until she went to sleep. She quickly started regaining the 22 pounds she had lost. She was frustrated and angry at herself but couldn’t seem to stop.

First Katie and I did some problem-solving. As soon as she got her kids in bed, she would decompress by doing deep breathing and then she’d have a cup of herbal tea. Next we did some cognitive work. Following our discussion, Katie composed messages on index cards which she was to read each day after work, just before she walked in the house. She was to read them again as she was sipping her tea. This is what Katie’s cards said:

“If I want to lose weight permanently, I have to stop eating when I’m upset—every time. People without weight problems don’t eat when they’re upset. They either tolerate their negative emotions or try to solve the problem or call a friend or take a walk or go online or read a magazine or watch television. But they don’t eat.”

“Negative emotions are uncomfortable but not dangerous. I don’t have to “fix” them. I’ve had lots of times when I’ve felt very upset but I haven’t eaten. I’ve never exploded or lost control. The worst thing that will happen if I don’t eat is that my distress will peak and then the intensity of my emotions will go down. “

“If I eat, I’ll be temporarily distracted from my distress but whatever problem led to my distress in the first place will still be there and then I’ll also have the problem of feeling badly that I ate and I’ll really feel badly when I see that the scale has gone up.”

Katie also started back on Day 1 of the cognitive behavioral program for weight loss and maintenance so she could sharpen her skills of re-motivating herself, gaining confidence by giving herself credit, tolerating cravings, and getting back on track immediately when she made a mistake. The incidence of her eating for emotional reasons declined sharply. She slipped a few times but the challenge became easier and easier as time went on. The chance that Katie will be able to maintain her weight loss into the future has increased exponentially.

In the October 2009 issue of SHAPE magazine (see p. 70), a dieter tells readers how Dr. Judith Beck (and The Beck Diet Solution) is helping her develop strategies to target her emotional eating, boost her confidence, resist unhealthy temptations, and continue to lose weight.

In the article, the dieter mentions a favorite strategy that’s been helpful to her and which Dr. Beck emphasizes with all dieters:

Identifying and reminding oneself of the advantages of losing weight

She explains that when she becomes tempted by a bag of chips, she runs downs her list of why that bag of chips is NOT worth it. She also talks about how Dr. Beck has taught her the importance of giving herself credit—and that she deserves credit EVERY time she proves strong enough to resist and stick to her plan.

Over the weekend our dieter, Kathleen, received some very good news: her son announced his engagement to his long-time girlfriend.Kathleen was overjoyed at the news and after their conversation, she felt keyed up.Although the emotions she was experiencing were joyous, the sensation of experiencing even a strong positive emotion was vaguely uncomfortable – and wouldn’t have been much different than if she was actually experiencing negative emotion.

Kathleen’s old habits kicked back in to deal with this feeling of emotional arousal. Soon she gave into sabotaging thoughts and “found” herself standing at her kitchen counter, eating a peanut butter sandwich.As soon as she finished the sandwich, Kathleen realized that she had barely tasted it and was upset that she went off her plan.The problem with Kathleen’s situation was that she was caught off guard.Kathleen had often practiced feeling negative emotions and not turning to food, but she hadn’t even thought that positive emotions might lead to the same outcome.

We discussed the situation with Kathleen in the same way we discuss any incident of emotional eating.Looking back at the situation, Kathleen realized that she should have dealt with her emotional arousal in the same way she always does – by distracting herself with activities, such as walking her dog, taking a hot bath, or polishing her nails.Kathleen now feels confident that she can deal with any strong emotion without turning to food.

When traveling and staying in a hotel, dieters may be tempted by the treats in their hotel rooms. Hotels are smart – they often leave a basket of snacks in full view so they can tempt people to spend money (Day 32 of The Beck Diet Solution). But dieters can take the basket and put it in a closet or cover it with a towel and develop a rule to always carry their own treats with them instead of eating anything from a minibar, basket, or snack machine. If they’re hungry, it’s important for dieters to remember that they’ll have their next planned meal/snack within a few hours or have breakfast the next morning (Day 16 of The Beck Diet Solution).We ask dieters to imagine if this were thirty years ago when there was no food in hotel rooms.What would they have done then?

Our dieter, Jason, had to apply this rule in a different way.He travels for business once or twice a month and there is always an abundance of snack food at the back of the meeting room. He often feels either bored or somewhat stressed during meetings and it is particularly difficult for him to resist the high fat, high sugar foods. Jasonknows that eating these snacks is contrary to his plan, that he will soon feel weak and guilty, and that he could gain weight, he still has a hard time resisting in the moment. Jason needs to read the advantages of losing weight just before each meeting. He’s also decided to make a rule for himself that he will not eat any snack food provided at meetings. It’s helpful for him to realize that he’s not alone—not everyone at the meeting eats these snacks between meals. Just like the minibar, he can’t give himself a choice about this or he will struggle every single time.As soon as Jason makes this rule and practices following it ten times in a row, it will become so much easier for him to resist and stick to his plan.

Our dieter Rose has a very stressful situation coming up this week and so we spent a lot of today discussing emotional eating and strategies for not falling prey to it. Lots of dieters are like Rose. They feel entitled to eat when they’re distressed. “If I’m upset, I should be able to eat.” Often, they feel as if they don’t have a choice. “If I’m upset, I have to eat.” It’s important for them to recognize that people without a weight problem usually do not turn to food when they’re upset. They try to solve the problem, turn to others for support, distract themselves, or simply tolerate the feeling.

These are the strategies that Rose needs to learn. But first, she needs to label her experience. “I’m not hungry. I just want to eat because I’m upset. But if I eat, it will only be a temporary ‘fix.’ I’ll feel so much worse afterwards.”

Ultimately, we want Rose to learn that she doesn’t have to do anything when she’s upset. Negative emotions won’t harm her and they’ll subside even if she does nothing. But as an intermediate step, we advised Rose to make a long list of things she can do to comfort or distract herself, such as taking a walk, checking her email, calling her best friend, writing in a journal, listening to a relaxation tape, and taking a hot bath.We asked Rose to try at least five things every time she feels upset. We told her she needed to have about 20 experiences in a row of not eating for emotional reasons in order to really feel confident that she has broken the habit of turning to food for comfort.

What are some of the things you do, other than eating, when you’re upset and have an uncomfortable urge to eat?

Some of our dieters have been recently dealing with the issue of emotional eating.Diana in particular has noticed this because she’s coming up to the anniversary of a loved one’s death.What’s interesting about Diana’s situation is that originally she wasn’t even fully aware that the anniversary was looming; instead she just noticed feeling more emotional and having an intensifying desire to eat to comfort or distract herself.

During the group today we discussed that dieters need to remind themselves that eating will only serve as a temporary distraction; it won’t solve the problem. And actually, unplanned eating will only cause dieters to have two problems – the original problem, and now the additional problem of going off plan, feeling weak and out of control, and potentially gaining weight.Dieters need to squarely ask themselves, “Do I want to have one problem or two?”

It’s also helpful for dieters to remember that there is no direct link between feeling bad and eating.Naturally thin people, and people who have lost weight and maintained their weight loss, don’t turn to food for comfort. The former often don’t because it doesn’t even occur to them, and maintainers don’t because they know that they simply can’t emotionally eat if they want to keep the weight off; they know that they have to find other ways to find comfort.

We also discussed the notion that negative emotions are a part of life, and that it’s okay to feel badly sometimes.We live in a feel-good society where many people think that experiencing negative emotions is somehow bad or wrong.It’s important for dieters to learn that they can tolerate feeling bad and that it’s perfectly normal.

To deal with this difficult time, Diana is going to try praying more often and drinking soothing hot tea.She’s going to remind herself that negative emotions are a part of life, and that at the end of the day she’d rather only feel bad about one thing and not two.As she succinctly put it, “Time does heal you.Food does not.”