Monday, May 4, 2009

Zander Blog 5

This is for Grandpa for his birthday – we are also sending you a package – sorry it will be late!

If you believe in God OR you don’t like poop and pee – don’t read this.

SUPERBABY – a story….

There once was a mom bringing her kid into her school but the mom kept the baby in her car. The baby unbuckled herself and started the car. She started the car and knocked into every car in the whole town.

A couple days later, the police came to the door and said to the mom: “You have wrecked every car in the whole town! You have a humungous ticket you have to pay!”

And the mom said ‘How could I have broken all the cars in the town – I’m not like, Superman, I’m very weak! And I don’t even know where my car is! I don’t even know where my money is, I can’t even pay this ticket!”

But the baby said “Ga Ga gee – gutechee gug!”

And the mom says: “Hmm… maybe the baby has it – all my money.”

So they went down to the baby’s piggy bank and broke into it and all the mom’s money was there. The baby only had 5 cents which wasn’t enough.

So the police said: “I see this baby does not have enough money so she has to fix every car in the town.”

Now, the baby actually went out and put every single car into the compacter and it got squashed up – she didn’t make them all into squares – she actually made them into a new super car – with bike wheels, an old fashioned roof and a van trunk. Then she dumped all the car’s pieces that were left in the road and then she went home and she said: “Mama – I’m finished!”

So the mom said “You did it in 1 day! I can’t believe it!”

And then the police walked out the door and he said “HHHHHHHHHHUUUUUHHHH BRWA!’ and he walked right back in the house and then he said “What are you doing? You little baby! Maybe I will call the president!”

“Hey president? Can you get the whole army to attack this little baby?”

The president said “Of course, I could. I’ll get them in a couple of minutes.”

So he called the army and said: “Can you all come out and attack this little baby girl?” They said “Of course”

But the baby got into the car she made and she squashed all the tankers and trucks in the army so they had to just start chasing her.

When she got to the ocean, she jumped her super car onto a wood motor boat and started zooming across the ocean. And then her wooden boat sunk and she started her engines on the car that she had made and she drove right over top of the water as the army was swimming over the ocean. And then, when she got on land, her car was too wet to go any more. It sunk way down in the sand and was hidden and the army ran right over top of her without seeing her and then they kept running right over the whole country to the other side of the country. They thought they saw her super car and motor boat there.

By then she was dry enough. She started her motors and drove back over the ocean again. Then, she drove through every building in the whole city and knocked them down and everyone was like “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH that baby again! Save us!” All the buildings fell right on the people because they were so scared. They were too scared to move.

Then the baby found the president’s keys because they fell on the ground and she went into his house and told the presidents soldiers to kill the president. They said “Yes sir” (we have no idea why). Then, when they were killing the president and the president’s helper, the vice president, some angels came to try to fight the little baby and she told the guards to kill the angels and they did and then Jesus comes to try to stop the baby too! But then the guards throw Jesus in the dungeon. The dungeon was really small and it was made of metal boxes. All the metal boxes in the dungeon keep getting smaller and smaller and smaller, so they kept squeezing Jesus smaller and smaller and smaller until he is in the smallest box of all – this small [pictured left]. So then, Jesus says, “I’m going to use my magic. I’m going to throw a tiger out of my cage to get the keys” But, what was around the hallway of his cage? Two doors leading to a moat. So the tiger was walking along and fell – splashhhhhhhh. And then Jesus said, “Maybe a lion could do it” So he made a lion go out – but the lion walked along and went ‘splashhhhhhhhh” and then Jesus said, “Maybe a leopard. He can jump over the moat.” But you know the moat? There is a wall around it – and so the leopard jumped – but he couldn’t jump through the wall and he went splashhhhhhhh. And then Jesus was tired and said “I’m hungry.”

So the guards said, “Here’s some bones with meat on them” Jesus ate the meat and the bones and then he poops the bones out – but they are now made of gold! Then they give him 100 more bones and he pooped them all out gold. Then the guards gave him some fake money and he poops out golden coins that pirates like – the ones that are worth millions and thousands of dollars. The guards are so excited to give it to their baby master. But then Jesus goes pee in his pants and the whole box fills up with pee – and Jesus can’t breath in his metal box. The guards drain it out quick and put it in a water bottle. They pour it in Jesus’ mouth – they tell him it’s lemonade. Strips of gold just come shooting out of his body after that and Jesus said: “Urgh! I am tired of this. I am going to get out of here using my strongest magic!” The super baby heard this and took one of the guard’s guns and killed Jesus before he could do anything. She was so happy she could kill Jesus – even though she was just a baby. You would think only big people could kill some one like Jesus but she was a super baby. Then she became the ruler of the world. The End.

Editor’s note: We apologize for the sacrilegious and scatological nature of this posting. Hope you appreciate his creativity, as we do! Happy Birthday Grandpa!