Why So Many Young Jewish Couples are Divorcing

At a recent forum on singles, dating and marriage, a father stood up and asked me, “Why is it so hard for our singles to commit today? Why do we hear about so many young couples who are divorcing? Do you think the two are related?”

He had a good point. Many speak about the ‘singles crisis’ and we also hear a lot about couples who are not making it to their second and third anniversary. If we could put our finger on what is contributing to the problem, perhaps we can find solutions that can transform this painful bind that many young people find themselves facing today.

I think there are four key factors we need to contemplate.

1. Disposable Society

Who fixes appliances anymore? Toaster ovens, microwaves, and alarm clocks get tossed while quickly outdated laptops, iPhones and cars get traded in for the latest model. After all, new is always better. Our kids lose their clothing knowing that we’ll just buy them more of the same next time. Somehow it has become no big deal to throw away or replace what we’ve lost.

This thinking has seeped into our attitudes towards the people in our lives. I’ve seen it in the conversations I’ve had with couples who are facing marital issues. One young woman said to me, “So what’s the big deal? I’ll get a divorce and find another one. There are lots of men out there. Look at all my friends.”

We’ve lost the ability to value what we have, including the people we’re supposed to cherish the most.

When we see relationships as disposable, whether they are friendships or marriage, the sacred bond becomes easily unglued. We’ve lost the ability to value what we have, including the people we’re supposed to cherish the most. All relationships have their ups and downs. The mindset that it never pays to fix things and that newer is better impacts our daily lives, lessening the sacrosanct value inherent in marriage.

We need to value the people and things we have in our lives. Work on appreciation and stop taking relationships for granted.

2. Instant Gratification

Whatsapp, texting and emails have brought us to expect an immediate response. Otherwise we wonder, “What is taking so long! Why didn’t they answer me?” Instead of waiting our turn to be helped in the store we just click and order most things online. We have next day delivery. I remember taking my film in to be developed when I was a little girl and anticipating the day it would be ready for pickup. Who can imagine not viewing your photo and sending it to others across the world instantly? We’ve lost the ability to be patient. We expect it all to be there for us right here, right now.

What does this have to do with relationships?

Serious dating and marriage takes work. You will not always see instant results. Love grows with time. The more we nourish a relationship the greater we feel invested in this partnership. If we don’t automatically feel madly in love or don’t always see the fruits of our labor, what then? Do we just give up and move on?

When couples look back through their years of being together they realize how much they have evolved. Sure there were great obstacles and dark moments. What would have happened if they decided then that it’s not what they thought it would be, so why go on together? (I am not speaking about abusive or intolerable situations). With time and much sweat, tears and self-work is born a love that is deeper than one could have ever imagined. Love is not instant. Marriage is built on a “mature love” that is carefully nurtured. Great patience is required.

Expecting instant gratification strips us of the opportunity to work through the difficult times and climb life’s tougher moments together. We give up too easily believing that there is no point if we don’t see what we want to see or feel what we want to feel right now. We end up selling ourselves and our relationships short.

3. FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)

You see parties posted online, other people’s vacations, even delicious sushi or steak dinners and think to yourself, what about me? This fear of missing out is not good for singles and married couples. Comparing lives, wondering if there is something better out there, and checking out Facebook posts feeds this frenzy.

People are too busy counting everyone else’s blessings to see their own. Commitment requires one to be happy with what we have. FOMO is the exact opposite. There comes a point where we must make peace with our lives. We need to make a decision to stop glancing over our shoulder. Dating with one eye on who else may be around becomes an impossible way to create a lasting relationship. And surely one can’t have a solid marriage thinking that others have it better.

Begin with making a conscious mental U-turn. Stop looking at others and work on being satisfied with all you’ve been given. Seek out the good in your days and the people in your life. Instead of imagining other people’s happiness, work on creating your own. You will become self-satisfied and content.

4. A Disconnected World

Technology has connected us but it has also brought us farther apart. We’ve become used to communicating through texts instead of speaking. Singles have told me that their dating hit a roadblock when they began texting instead of talking. Husbands and wives converse while staring at their screens. Eye contact brings deeper connection-now this is lacking. Couples listen with half an ear and see with half an eye. Of course our relationships are affected. We also get bored easily with those next to us; constantly checking our phones. Our loved ones begin to feel irrelevant.

The greatest gift we can give ourselves is to put down our devices and pay more attention to those around us.

Whether you are single or married, or raising children who will be in future relationships, contemplate how these four factors affect your relationships. A few simple changes can allow us to live better, and love better too.

Slovie Jungreis Wolff is a noted teacher, author, relationships and parenting lecturer. She is the leader of Hineni Couples and daughter of Rebbetzen Esther Jungreis. Slovie is the author of the parenting handbook, Raising A Child With Soul. She gives weekly classes and has lectured throughout the U.S.,Canada, Mexico, Panama, and South Africa. You can reach slovie at sloviehineni@gmail.com

Hashem should be #1 in our marriage then we should be protecting and nourishing our relationship with each other.If we don't, outside forces, the (world's influence) will supplantit. Guard your marriage "with your life!"

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Anonymous,
May 30, 2016 3:30 PM

Let's get real here

as a former divorce lawyer I can honestly say that many of these posts are utter nonsense . Divorce for what ever reason is horrible ,not just for the couple concerned but for their children and families .in all the years I was in practice I never ever had a couple who divorced because 'they were too busy watching other couples travel the world to give each other a kiss' In the orthodox community we want our children to marry young ,far too young for many . Often they know little if anything about the other sex and of course are not allowed to know each other in any meaningful way . A young couple can find them selves married to a virtual stranger with a child or even two before they are 20 and the pressures are enormous . They won't of course be economically self funding relying on handouts from state ,Kolel and or parents who invariable will interfere far too much . This lack of financial independence infantilises the couple ,problems fester and the young couple simply dont have the maturity or the vocabulary to deal with them .these relationships can become very toxic even abusive ..Then of course there is the issue of homosexuality . Yes it exists and no it can't be 'cured' by marrying a person of the opposite sex. It's time the community faced up to this .i have seen and heard of far too many cases where two young lives have been ruined in these circumstances .finally if our children don't have the values to sustain a healthy marriage , if they are shallow ,venal and unable to commit well who exactly are their role models ? Take a look in the mirror . Instead of blaming our children ,we need to accept the world as it and not as we would like it to be and we should be helping our children to make sensible life choices when and only when they are mature enough to do so and allow them to develop fully before they take on the responsibilities of marriage and parenthood .

Raisy,
October 29, 2017 3:58 PM

Good suggestions however

You may want to read the article posted by 'David' on aish.com a year or so ago about his struggles with homosexuality. A gene for this behavior/proclivity has not been found and likely will never be found. Same sex attraction is common; we are sexual beings. These are urges and tendencies, difficult as they may be, that can be redirected. The torah forbids it; ergo it must be conquerable.

Your other suggestions are helpful. Thank you.

Joshua,
April 27, 2018 12:01 AM

Interesting perspective. Might note that...

...only in modern days has a 20 year old man been so immature. For most of civilized human history a 20-year-old would have been fully trained in a craft or trade, perhaps even established on his own. Likewise, young women of 18-19 would have been completely competent to establish and manage a household. (Of course there are exceptions, but generally speaking this would have been so.) Perhaps the greater problem is the rather modern idea that 1) every Jewish male should learn full time for as long as the money holds out rather than work at a profession/job/trade and build a household - when in the past it was only the elite level students who would continue in advanced full time study - and at great personal sacrifice there was no state provided welfare in the old days. And 2) modern civilization's relatively complete urbanization and personal mobility has eliminated most of the household chores and responsibilities that once provided the structure of home life. In other words, there are fewer personal responsibilities. Parents must take the lead in developing responsible,. mature young adults. And our culture must accept that only the students with the greatest abilities should be full time, life long learners to the exclusion of productive commercial effort.

Hi Slovie : Thank you once again for touching on a heartbreaking subject . One must realize that we're imperfect people living in an imperfect world . Yes everyone wants life to be peaches and cream but the reality is its not. When two people make a bond with each other then when things aren't going the way you want or the other one is going through something then that's when life's challenges should bring you closer . In simple terms . Life on life's terms . Thank you

(21)
Anonymous,
May 24, 2016 1:42 PM

Pushing couples to marry too fast

One more item that should be on this list: deciding to get married too quickly. I have seen several couples decide to get married after a handful of dates. Enough dates to know you're interested, but not enough to really be sure that this is the right person.

Couples should be sure to spend time (a Shabbos meal or two or three) with each others family as well as do some "ordinary" things, like grocery shop, or do a bunch of mundane errands. These are the things that real life is made of; not the fairy tale dates. Sure, it's important to "date" when you are married, but that's a small percentage of the time you are together.

If you don't know how your potential spouse deals with the real life issues, you really shouldn't be decide to get married. Take time to really know each other. Most people will spend more time deciding on a car purchase than the person that they will spend, I"H, the next 60 or 70 years with.

(20)
Guest,
May 24, 2016 6:06 AM

perspectives on the issue

As someone who grew up and dated in the "modern orthodox" world of the 1980s and now married almost 25 years (and living in Israel) I have some perspective. First, the point about lashan hara cuts both ways. I know for a fact people broke up or never dated because "they heard" something which was totally false. Of course, prior serious things like if a married woman was cheating is now divorced and your buddy wants to date her - the question of telling him arises. I am not sure how I would handle this - I guess Halacha should govern. Maybe she did Teshuva so why hurt her chances of re-marrying? Are you sure she cheated or is this just a rumor put out by the former husband or his family to ruin her? Second, the entire subject is tainted with the idea that "only men go astray". Women are naturally attracted to men who are successful and muscular. Women cannot help themselves. And I have seen many married women cheat with rising office stars, athletic muscle guys and the like. I personally know of 2 friends who arrived home early from work and found their wives in bed with other men who BTW were physically robust and in great shape per my friends. Women have strong drives and urges. Its not just men who have them. Example: young women look for "very" successful guys to date and marry. So the problem is these men are attractive to most other women as well and as such...well things happen. It is not a hubby's fault when a woman unbuttons her shirt late night at the office. Solution - young women need to change their value system - the guy you want to marry need not be the huge success you want him to be. Of course, he needs to be attractive and you need to support yourselves but what are his values and character? Clearly, young men should take values into account as well and not "only" looks and appearances. This has been going on for thousands of years - "there is nothing new under the sun" but we must try to bring Torah values into our lives.

Any woman,
January 3, 2017 1:46 AM

Give women a little more credit

Is your opinion that women are really so shallow that they "can't help themselves" in the presence of a muscular and financially successful man? Please, give women the credit we deserve. Just as I would not dream of generalizing that men "can't help themselves" in the presence of beautiful women, I believe more women are attracted to factors other than appearances and money than you may believe. Solid relationships are not built on fleeting things such as looks and money.

(19)
Irene,
May 24, 2016 2:20 AM

Totally agree

Maried at 18, had many difficulties ,still married 35 years now.Agree with article, it is so sad- people think they love another person, in reality they love themselves in relationship - and never get to be truly happy because that

(18)
Kathleen Dahnke Nottestad,
May 24, 2016 2:01 AM

Words come alive when viewed through ALL one's senses!

divorce is never an easy answer - and to think most jump into this as an answer is far from reality. it's a mobile and on each string is represented an individual and when the dynamics change each string will need to adjust to the switch whatever it may be and for some the mobile will never even out again. Once children are involved I think an idea I heard in a movie was right on - the children remain in the home and the parents pack their suitcase and stay under the roof with their children either weekly or monthly. The children are the ones effected the most often so our main job is to make their string the least movement for well or at least reasonable adjustment. So the parents are the ones that become the suitcase adults that stay under the family roof trading days weeks months what ever works best for each particular family, until the youngest child is out on their own. yes, other senerious can be worked out BUT the children should be the main aim for keeping life balanced when a family goes through a divorce, you mentioned the full time commitment to cell phones, I-Pads other technology that takes away, from human contact with those we care about. my brother's cat will put her head between the keypad and his hand to inform him - what about me?!! My SAM a dog does the same - it's sweet but also I'm sure humans feel the same - I know if I had my way my My son would be well off to buy stock in his texting company because I have wanted to deep six it. Many times - hey what about me - remember me?!! Wrote a term paper in 66 and it was on computers - positives and also the downside which we tend to discover after enjoying ALL the BeniFITs, like most things in life there seems to be ying and yang of it - humans have lost the art of verbally connecting and replaced it with text - how sad we'e missing out on the body language that is meaningful often even more so than the words themselves. It's language without content of emotions displayed by man himself!

(17)
Leah,
May 23, 2016 3:12 PM

I agree word by word with this Arthur. I wish we could get the president of the United States give this speech. Word by word.

(16)
Nancy,
May 23, 2016 9:54 AM

Perhaps the wrong question is being asked.

Maybe we should ask why people get married. Marriage is a very serious step. but too many people young and older get married for the wrong reasons. Also, divorce is not a quick fix. It is too simplistic to compare a troubled marriage to a broken appliance.

(15)
Arina Gabriel,
May 23, 2016 4:09 AM

God is One

This is secular hogwash! Marriage between a Jewish man and woman is a symbol of the covenant of G-d's marriage to his bride, the Jewish nation. Plus, many Jews have stopped putting G-d first, so they are vulnerable to divorce for all kinds of selfish reasons such as the ones in this post. Because they count themselves first, not G-d, nor their partner.

(14)
Rachel,
May 23, 2016 3:40 AM

Not impressed

While this is very eloquent, it's missing a few important pieces. First of all, there are no statistics to validate any of the points. Second, there is no mention that some people get divorced for very serious reasons. Reasons like verbal and physically abusive spouses as well as chronic cheating. I don't know why most people generically get divorced but almost everyone I know who got divorced either left abusive relationships or are still waiting for their get from their MIA spouse.
Divorce is very serious, hard to do and expensive. I can't believe that people would do it for any quick outcome- divorces take time and tons of money and end up hurting everyone involved. So, I think a little more research is needed on the statistics before suchoosing broad generalizations can be made.
One thin g I know for sure is that because divorce has become something that can be done, people stuck in abusive relationships have somewhere to turn for help where as 50 years ago, society would have forced them to stay and hide it or run away and bear the shame.

Anonymous,
May 23, 2016 11:55 PM

Most people don't divorce for fun

Most people work hard to save their marriages and are not likely to divorce for no good reason. Most people divorce because of abuse or other problems.

(13)
Debra Stomel,
May 23, 2016 12:44 AM

You left out a very very big reason

Unfortunately in our frum community there is a wrong idea of loshan hara. When someone is dating and they are asking about the other person too many people feel that if they tell the truth about the person that they will be telling loshan hara. There are many people marrying dangerous or mentally ill people because someone wrongly said "I better not say anything because it's loshan hara". Do the right thing. It IS NOT wrong to tell. If you know someone is mentally ill or a dangerous person, do not keep this to yourself. You not only will be saving the person from a later divorce, the extra reason needed in this article, or worse abuse to them and their children.

(12)
Anonymous,
May 22, 2016 11:38 PM

well said

beautiful article. thank you!

(11)
Eliezer Barak,
May 22, 2016 9:57 PM

Marriage has no benefits for working people

Throught history marriage has had few benefits for non-professional working people. Today, in the U.S., health care is based on the individual, not the couple or the family. Purchasing a home is impossible for working people with no financial assistance from their families. Who can ammass tens of thousands of dollars for a down payment? Who can get a mortgage based on the poor quality of jobs available today? The mitzvah of marriage adds a tremendous series of future expenses while it does not help to guarantee a level of basic existance! My parent's generation, born in the 1920s, had a much easier time. Thank haShem they were born in the United States and not in Europe!

(10)
Rafael,
May 22, 2016 9:43 PM

The fact is that repair men charge so much and most goods are made to fall apart that buying something new is cheaper in the long run . Cuba still repair their 1950's Chevy so I guess that makes them spiritually superior . As far as Jewish couples , many marriages seem to be based on financial stability and status rather than real love . Today's women with careers are just as intolerable and driven as their male counterparts . Those who marry for money would probably remarry for more money . I've also read articles on this site about one spouse finding their Jewishness while the other wants to remain secularly Jewish . The consensus here was to dump the secular spouse and friends to join G-ds mission . Our revered spiritual leader Moses had no problem leaving his first wife and children . The living of life through thick and thin with a soul mate has yielded to " shedding the negative people" in your life . This has translated to some of us as dumping a spouse who is in the way of your "new" goal . Either you follow me or you get the ax ! "

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Rachel,
May 22, 2016 7:59 PM

Thank you for saying this

Everything you wrote here rings true as a I look at the younger people around me. My husband and I are going on 34 years, and while it hasn't always been easy, it has been worth it.

(8)
RM,
May 22, 2016 5:55 PM

if only it were that simple

Please do not forget the hundred of marriages that do not last due to poorly managed mental health issues. There are so many people in unhealthy marriages, who do look around them and realize that the suffering they are dealing with is not normal and they take the brave jump to release themselves.

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Joyce Wolpert,
May 22, 2016 2:52 PM

Virginia Satir: the greatest gift

from esteemed family therapist, Virginia Satir: "The greatest gift I can conceive of having from anyone is to be seen by them, understood and touched by them. The greatest gift I can give is to see, hear, understand and to touch another person." All of this is free and available to anyone, anytime, in any relationship, if we will allow ourselves.

(6)
Morris Ishay,
May 22, 2016 2:10 PM

We are interconnected and interdependent down to the verycells of our body.There's a need to go beyond the perturbations of the conscious mind that creates repetitions of the past,in lieu of living the challenge of the here and now.

(5)
Fay Niederhoffer,
May 22, 2016 2:08 PM

Beautiful Article

I am so happy i took the time to read this article.You are dead on,what is happening to our relationships.When we as jewish women go to the mikvah,one of the prayers that we say is that our husbands should only have eyes for us and us for him.We need to appreciate the blessings that each and everyone of us have received from Hashem and cherish it.I hope this article will find it's way in every home.A disposable society ,we sure have created.Lots of work to be done.

(4)
William Barrocas,
May 22, 2016 1:55 PM

The Four Keys

Thanks for the Four Keys which I shall use to help and to be helped. Only FOMO escaped me.

(3)
Aviva,
May 22, 2016 1:55 PM

Thank you.

Excellent advise.

(2)
Daniel,
May 22, 2016 1:53 PM

Great article

Thank you very much!

(1)
Bobby5000,
May 22, 2016 12:35 PM

the wrong questions

People ask, am I getting all I want out of marriage, is my partner satisfying all my needs, do I deserve better. The better question is will I be better or worse off with divorce. The woman divorcing may think she is entitled to more, until she finds financial struggles and men uninterested in her children.

The man enticed by a pretty co-worker in a happy mood may find she is plainer without makeup and accoutrements and subject to the same moods or ups and downs as is his wife. People overestimate their own attractiveness, pleasantness, and other attributes. Candid self-appraisal may lead people to work on their own marriages, and the large number of second divorces show the former spouse was not the only issue.