Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Last Christmas I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was toprocess all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to Father Christmas with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear Father Christmas,I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterdaysomeone stole my purse. It had £50 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pensionday. Next Monday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Yours Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to to his managerand the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a donation. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £46, which he put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna andthe dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady addressed to Father Christmas. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read,

Dear Father Christmas,How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generous gift of love, I was able to host a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving rats at the Post Office.

After over-indulgence at New Year a young lady was desperate for more time off but she knew the Boss would not allow her to take leave and would be suspicious if she threw a sickie. So she thought that maybe if she acted a bit crazy and under stress then maybe he would let her take a break. So she hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

Her colleague (who's blonde) asked her: "What on earth are you doing?"

She told her that she was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think she was nuts and give her a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss himself came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" She told him she was a light bulb.

He looked concerned. "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

She jumped down and walked out of the office. When the blonde colleague got her things and started to follow her the Boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going?"

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a hamsandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"."I see your eyes are working" replies the duck."And you talk!" exclaims the landlord."I see your ears are working" says the duck, "Now can I have my beerand my sandwich please?"."Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don'tget many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?""I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.This continues for 2 weeks.Then one day the circus comes to town.The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord saysto him;"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would bejust brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!""Sounds marvellous" says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call."So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with atop job. Paying really good money!""Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?""At the circus" says the landlord."The circus?" the duck enquires.That's right" replies the landlord."The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? Withthe big canvas roof with the hole in the middle" asks the duck."That's right!" says the landlord.The duck looks confused. "What the hell do they want with aplasterer?"

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Stuff dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Stuff dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean and his bloomin hengliding!"

Me slow??? I get up in the morning with nothing to do and go to bed at night with half of it done.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyonethere is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about TomCruise?"

"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise'sdoor and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening?!?Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him andhis boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my wayto a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup ofcoffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts toDave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known thePope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss areassembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sureenough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balconybut by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attackand is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and thePope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,"Who the hell's that on the balcony with Dave?"

Time for anohter one, especially for snicks and moaner who say they never see them!

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job". The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year".