A Mom's Life: Self-righteous parents can ruin fun for others

Mar. 18, 2013

Written by

Amy Lorentzen

Special to the Register

I hope to convey that, despite the flood of tips and advice they’re fielding from this column and elsewhere, they’re probably doing a great job simply by showing their kids in some way, every day, that they care. Most parents need a little encouragement. After all, parenting isn’t easy and doesn’t come with instructions. And, many moms and dads are open to new ideas in the search of what’s best for their family.

Then there are those parents who already know it all. These are the self-righteous parents, who will make you second-guess your instincts. The mom who purses her lips at you because your child has a ginormous chocolate chip cookie at the mall. Or the dad who’s making his preschooler do wind sprints at the playground and frowning at yours as she tries to keep from tripping on the toddler equipment.

Lately, I’ve been trying to avoid these judging, self-righteous types of parents. While I may fail at always redirecting my boys’ naughtiness into productive activity, and they can’t (or won’t) put on their own shoes, and yes, their hair and nails forever seem to need a trim, overall they’re happy and engaging and they don’t doubt for a second that they’re loved. Hey, I must be doing a pretty good job, ear wax and all.

So, what do you do about the self-righteous parent who’s spouting their parenting philosophy like it’s scripture? I talked with one of my favorite experts, Lindsey Swan, a senior mental health therapist with Iowa Health - Des Moines.

First, Swan says if you want to maintain the relationship, you may have to be prepared to turn the other cheek and ignore the behavior, or agree to disagree and stand your ground.

“I have found that everyone has an opinion when it comes to child raising, but only you and your family knows what works best for you,” Swan said.

I asked Swan why so many parents appear to be set in their own way of doing things and quick to judge. She said we are a very competitive society and want to believe that we’re doing it “the best.” That can make people defensive or insecure.

“Most of us want to do what is best for our children and have their interests at heart, but many of us have doubts about our parenting skills and whether or not we’re doing it right,” she said.

Not long ago I had an acquaintance accuse me of being wishy-washy because I’m wide open to parenting advice, and I’ll change course if I think something might work better for my family. That’s not wishy-washy, I wanted to tell her, that’s called maturity and making enough mistakes to know I’m not always right.

Even Swan admitted she had a person comment on her parenting style, and it stung. She said when her daughter was young, a friend made an comment that the girl was “spoiled” because she had a lot of clothes.

“I’m not sure it was meant to hurt me but it did, and it stuck with me throughout her childhood,” says Swan. “I was very sensitive already about raising her as an only child, and this just triggered my insecurity.”

When my firstborn was a babe in my arms, I had lots of ideas about the ways I planned to parent. I admit, I was self-righteous about things like feeding him organic foods and insisting he would be able to read before preschool. Now, with a tighter budget and having to create work time at home, I realize a lot of things change with circumstance. So, how do you recognize when you’re the one being self-righteous?

Swan said parents should be aware of opinions on touchy issues, and try to keep in mind that everyone has a different means to the same end: Raising happy, healthy kids.

“You may believe whatever you want in your own mind,” she said. “Just be careful about how you express that to other people.”