Why are therapists down on alternative sex?

Why are therapists down on open and alternative marriages? Multiple studies conducted over the past few decades show that therapists and the mental health field in general have negative and judgmental views of any marriages that are not centered around an assumption of monogamy. When asked, such therapists predict failure for said relationships, and automatically attribute the desire and motivation for nonmonogamy to a history of pathology, typically sexual abuse. People who approach therapists and are involved in swinging, polyamory or open marriages are most often met with incredulity and scorn. Why?

(Here's a dirty little secret. Back in the seventies, at the same time that research was being done that showed that therapists have very negative views of open marriage, other research showed that the rates of therapists who were living open marriages was far higher than the general population. We therapists can be such hypocrites.)

I believe strongly that the bias against such relationships comes from a core ignorance about the level of variance in normal human sexuality, compounded by a cultural bias. The great majority of therapists receive an astonishingly minimal training in human sexuality. Fewer than a third of medical schools provide training in human sexuality. What consistent training there is in sexuality is typically only focused on the negative aspects, and pathology. So, what does that mean for the therapists? It means they are reacting based upon their own subjective experiences and values. "Would I do that? Could I do that?" If the answer is yes, then the patient's behavior is normal and healthy. If the answer is no, then patient is abnormal and unhealthy. Kinsey said it best - the definition of a nymphomaniac is somebody who has more sex than the therapist. He also said that the average size of the human penis, as calculated by research, will ALWAYS be half an inch shorter than the length of the lead researcher's penis (assuming that researcher is male. Maybe female researchers are the way to overcome that bias and generate reliable results).

The other bias is cultural. I always laugh when people talk about "traditional marriage." Traditional marriage is polygamy, the most common form of relationship through history, accepted in 83% of all historical cultures. Kings David and Solomon had how many wives in the Bible? Also, there is a tragically blind and ethnocentric assumption that the Western traditions are best, in complete absence of any data to support that assumption. The divorce rate in the US is continuing to climb, where only heterosexual monogamous marriage is legal. What's the divorce rate in the mountains of Tibet, where polyandry is still practiced? How about the jungles of South America, where various forms of group marriages and open marriages are still practiced? Polygamy in African and the Middle East? Are there healthy, stable relationships possible in these cultures? Even if half of all nonmonogamous marriages end up dissolving, that only puts them on par with heterosexual, monogamous mariage. Where do therapists get off imposing their own uninformed values on their clients?

I've seen multiple women and men who have shared that they have not told their doctors or therapists about their alternative sexual relationships, due to fear of condemnation, or due to the rejection they've already experienced when they were open about their marriages. What this then results in is a sample bias. The clinicians see only those couples who cannot kept their lifestyles secret, or who come in for some other unrelated pathology. The clinicians do not see the many folks who do not need or want treatment, and who are leading normal healthy lives. Until we have greater levels of understanding about the wide ranges of human sexual expression, and better training and education of therapists about this range of sexual expression, the mental health field will continue to apply values and assumptions, rather than evidence-based treatment.

There are listings online, at Polychromatic, and Kink Aware Professionals, for people to find clinicians who are willing to suspend their bias and judgment, and let their clients tell them what they need help with.

Thanks, Dr. Ley, for your fun book on "hot wives." I gotta tell you, though, that title sucks. It's a "shocker" that doesn't quite convey the professionalism and depth with which you cover the topic. The title actually makes it harder to get other people to read it, or take it seriously.

I found your book interesting, thorough, and relevant and I found it quite helpful explaining some of the joy I get from having an open relationship with my wife.

For the record, I am one of those husbands who is thrilled when my wife takes another lover-whether I'm there, or she's off on her own. She is not the sex fiend that people might imagine. Nor, am I the debased man seeking humiliation. Rather, we are a healthy, happy, couple who occassionally sleep with other people. And, I happen to get a huge thrill out of my wife sleeping with other men-at least the few she's slept with off and on since we were married 10 years ago. When either of us is sexually active outside of our marriage, that activity spurs our own sexuality to new heights. And while our relationship might have issues from time to time, we have none of the issues or pathologies that are traditionally, and in our case erroneously, associated with open relationships.

Thank you for your efforts to "move the ball forward" on appropriate clinical consideration of open marriages. I wish you luck.

Wow - I'm just thrilled to hear people have read my book. It is a bit different, from most books covering such a salacious topic. My goal was to have the issue and practice taken seriously, and not just dismissed outright. I met some couples like yourselves and found them to be kind, healthy and thoughtful people, who enjoyed a surprising kink.

Submitted by Anonymous on August 5, 2010 - 1:17am.
Neither my husband nor I cheat on each other because since we've agreed to have an open marriage, with other sexual partners, there is no reason to lie or cheat. While some who choose open marriage enjoy sharing details of their sexual encounters with their partner, my husband and I are more comfortable not sharing the details of our sexual encounters. Out of respect for the integrity our relationship, we've agreed to inform any one whom we might have sex with, that we're married.
My husband and I will be celebrating our 40th year of being passionate, deeply loving soul mates living and raising two successful children in an open marriage. We totally trust each other. Marriage is a profound emotional and physical partnership wherein two people have an opportunity to be truly intimate to communicate fully and so learn to know another and to allow their whole selves to be known. A marriage should not be a prison. It should be a relationship wherein two free people love and trust each other and are committed to fostering each other's growth and expansion. It is a relationship which is flexible and capable of adapting and growing with the challenges life presents. And although I have seen a few marriages as successful as my own I have not seen even one where the husband and wife seem more in love or happier together then my love and I.

Let's face it, a normal sexual relationship is designed, by nature, to propagate the species, make more humans. Well, the world is overpopulated to the point that there are not enough resources to support it. Hence, starvation, disease, poverty, wars, genocide and a host of other maladies. By promoting alternative sexual practices, we can reduce these problems and allow our species to survive in peace and health on this planet for a better future. The time is now. Time is running out!

It's not only the therapists who are judgemental. The looks and comments from our doctors when requesting the full range of STD testing (VERY unprofessional in my opinion) can drive one to look elsewhere for healthcare...if it doesn't discourage entirely.

One of the articles written by a therapist that I clicked on said something like "fidelity is the glue that holds a marriage together." I don't think so. How sad.

Trust, respect, compassion and open honest communication hold a marriage together in my opinion and that is what is required for any marriage to be successful...open or not.

The negative biases of therapists drive many people with open marriages who need advice to look for support groups online when potential problems arise, as I did 5 years ago when opening up my marriage. Gained some wonderful insight from these groups.