I don’t have a car so I take BART just about everywhere. On BART are these ads that have always bothered me and I finally remembered to write down my thoughts. There is this adoption agency in San Francisco called adoptionsf.org which has ads all over the BART system about how everyone should look into adopting kids. I agree that kids need to be adopted whole heartedly, but the ads give me the heebie-jeebies. Here are five of them:

Your adopted kid comes with presets like the ability to play the violin. Look at it as adopting a genius who years from now will make millions and help you reach retirement early. The way those parents are eyeing Curtis makes me uneasy, it’s like he’s meat. I’d Photoshop in drool but I’m sure you have the proper image in your head.

Your adopted kid he will do all his homework on time and be an astronaut. Think about it, your adopted kid could be the first to walk on Mars. If I ever adopt a kid, I’m going to make sure he becomes an astronaut. “But dad, my skin is turning orange!” “Shaddup and drink your Tang!”

Your adopted kid will protect you from ninjas. I thought about getting a really big dog, but opted for the personal bodyguard instead. One can never tell when your attack-child might come in handy.

Your adopted kid will pitch over 100MPH. All that time watching sports on TV will finally pay off when your kid signs a $400 Million dollar contract and you can brag about how great a coach you were. Just remember to clean the steroid needle every time you use it (probably at night while he’s sleeping).

Your adopted kid will actually graduate from somewhere. Many people think adopted kids will end up addicts, homeless and pregnant with octuplets, but they’re wrong! You kid will be an outstanding member of society who will actually graduate from somewhere! Order now!

Honestly though, they couldn’t have just had pictures of the parents with the kids doing normal stuff like playing frisbee or petting a dog? All of these ads depict the kid doing something out of the ordinary, extraordinary one might say. If the ad campaign works then I’m all for it, but until I see those numbers I can’t help but think they might go more extreme down the road…