1/31/2008

All right I am going to try not to be dramatic about this....but.....this is officially no longer a business blog. I am asking my husband to take the link off my website. I will start writing here like I used to, because this blog has become a real part of my life and how I handle it. Not sharing openly here has made me feel a bit hung out to flap around in the wind so to speak.

I was introduced to online communities when I started researching on the internet about charting your cycles. That was back in 2002. I found a site dedicated to fertility that had a bunch of message boards, and started posting desperate, freaked out posts with tons of drama wondering if the few degree change in my temp was ovulation, or just because I had sat up and thrown my legs over the side of the bed before taking it, rather than taking it while still in bed. All because my cat had knocked over my thermometer and I couldn't find it without sitting up. And anyone who has been a little consumed with bbt's, cervical fluid and research, knows YOU MUST TAKE YOUR TEMP AT THE SAME EXACT TIME IN THE SAME EXACT POSITION HAVING GONE TO BED AT THE SAME TIME the night before, otherwise you will be compelled to roam the message boards for hours and hours looking for other people who: went to sleep at 10 when they usually go to bed at 9:45 and just had to pee at 3:10 in the morning so crawled there trying to trick their body that they weren't actually up and out of bed to interrupt the continuous number of hrs you need to sleep for your temp to be accurate, but then got 6 hrs of sleep-so shouldn't your temp be accurate? story. Oh man you should have seen those boards during the day when the time changed. I am not making fun of myself as much as I am rehashing one of those stories that is so sad and horrible that you laugh and cry at the same time.

Luckily met a lot of lovely supportive hormone raging, utterly pissed off at the world because they can't have a baby the normal way, amazing women, that knew a heck of a lot about the ins and outs of fertility issues. They were my rock in a very very stressful time. I cruised those boards for the almost 3 years of fertility issues until I got pregnant with my son. Then I was displaced. Anyone who is a veteran infertile ( I am making general assumptions based on my years on the fertility boards and my own personal feelings, this does not mean there are not exceptions)knows that no matter how much your infertile friends want to be happy for you-when you clear that heartbeat check with flying colors-your updates will only hurt them-no matter how much they put on a front, it will hurt. They went to those boards to find comfort and solace a place away from a world full of fertiles where they have to watch what they say for fear of being misunderstood or judged about how they are feeling about this shitty process of trying to have a baby. I am not saying that infertiles aren't genuinely happy for their friends and family and other infertiles when they get pregnant. It just means that, the simple fact that you have achieved what they have worked so hard at and failed, hurts.

So getting pregnant suddenly leaves an infertile out on her own so to speak. There is no longer a built in community ready to discuss gross bodily fluids, temperature shifts, mood shifts, body changes, Dr's, nurses, husbands, family etc. And believe me there are a lot of these in early pregnancy. I felt like I needed to be strong-since I was now considered a lucky one. But the transition was hard. I missed that community, the friendships, the closeness that comes from sharing all the ugly bits.

Then I decided to start a blog. I had gotten used to writing out my feelings and thought a blog would be good. I would be anonymous (that didn't last so long) and people could read if they wanted to or not read if what I said hurt them. It was different than a public message board where people were coming to gather medical information and solice from the fertile world. I am so glad I did this, for I found an amazing community of writers, artists and photographers. You became my rock. You acted as a surrogate mother/sister and many of you have become close friends.

This last loss left me feeling on the outside of a community again, but this time because the grief was too much. I felt like a warm body with very little to share.

Since in a fit of trying to make this blog more business like I erased months of posts I will try to give a bit of backstory:

What amazes me is I actually don't remember all my stats anymore. It shocks me how fuzzy all the details seem.

To the best of my recollection I have done 5 cycles of clomid, 2 rounds of injectable IUI, 2IVF's. Then got pregnant for the second time naturally-had the remains genetically tested and discovered I have a balanced translocation between chromosomes 4 and 16. Then we changed fertility Dr's (thank goodness because that first one has since been banned from performing fertility treatments since he was a pathologist not a endocrinologist and put many women into ovarian hyperstimulation and subsequent seriously life threateningly illnesses). The new Dr-Dr. Anya-tested us for everything he could think of. In addition to the bt, I am heterozygous for MTHFR (as is 60% of the US), do not respond like the avg person to avg levels of progesterone, and had low protein C and S. So we worked with him for a few months monitoring and watching my natural cycles. This equated to spending 2 hrs in the waiting room of a fertility office, getting a blood draw and then an internal stir the soup with a ultrasound wand exam, every two days, then waiting like a lunatic for the call with directions from the clinic in NJ-who half trhe time claimed it didn't get the fax from the clinic here. FUN!

We did learn a lot from this and in July of 2004 got pregnant with my son. It was a tough pregnancy in some ways. I had battery acid constantly coming back up my esophagous due to a hernia-this was pure fucking hell I must say. It was so bad that if I layed flat I would throw up. I took daily lovenox shots that stung like bee stings and left huge bruises all over my stomach. I was put on bed rest at 33 weeks due to a thinned out cervix and preterm labor. My son was born at 37 weeks. It was worth every single part of it, and to be honest I enjoyed my pregnancy. I was soooooo grateful to be having a baby-I could tolerate it, maybe with a few tears but I could tolerate it. Embrace it even.

Since then we have done 2 FET's, 1 fresh IVF, have miscarried one baby conceived naturally (slow heartbeat stopped at 8weeks), and have had 2 chemical pregnancies. Then we got pregnant with the second FET, and at 13 weeks found out the the baby had anencephaly. The ending of that pregnancy, as many of you know, nearly did me in. I poured myself into my business. I wasn't really dealing with the emotions, as much as trying to keep one step ahead of them. I closed up because I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to open up without the world caving in. So I turned this blog business like. I know it was a huge change in energy, and I wish I could say sorry to each person that felt strange about that shift.

A few months ago I had a faint positive pregnancy test. I couldn't believe for the first time in so many years I wasn't ready. I didn't feel strong enough emotionally to deal with it. The tests just got fainter and I got my period. I was relieved.

A month ago my husband and I spoke about our future and the very real fact that I will go back to teach someday, and that trying sooner than later would probably work best for us. Something felt stronger in me. I was able to stop running so hard. Some feelings caught up with me but I feel pretty strong. I think I am ready to do our one last frozen cycle with the last 6 embryos. We could split them up but the past 2 FET"s we defrosted 4 and only got 1 or 2 that looked really good. Also we think we only have one more managed cycle left in us. Being poked prodded, spending hours every other day on the phone tracking tests being faxed, getting instructions. It is a pain literally and figuratively.

So a couple days before the appointment yesterday I was getting some pretty intense cramps. I have been pregnant enough times and have watched my body for enough cycles that I am pretty clued in to my specific symptoms for all womanly cyclical things. It was early for menstrual cramps. I decided to take a pregnancy test the day before the appointment and it was positive. We had blood drawn yesterday and my beta is 109 That is pretty good for so early. I am thinking this probably won't be a chemical. Now I get pretty sick to my stomach almost the minute an embryo implants in my uterus, so waiting for that ultrasound for the heartbeat can feel like forever. I called my obgyn right away and had them call in nausea meds. I am going to try to get through this as oblivious as possible.LOL. That was another one of those jokes that makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I don't even know how I feel about this. I am writing this here, because I always have written about this stuff here, and the fact that I almost didn't write about it here was what made me realize how much I miss being open here. Was that run on sentence or what? Back to the appointment yesterday.

So yesterday we had an appointment with Dr. Anya (this is not his name but he always has Anya playing in the background so I will call him Dr. A. If you found this post because you are having fertility challenges and would like his name you can email me. I just feel like I am going to write from my own experience not from a medical standpoint.) So Dr A, drew a diagram of what cervical cells should look like before ovulation (being acted on progesterone) and after ovulation (being acted on by progesterone). He said by looking at the cells on my cervix he would be able to tell if I needed more progesterone. So he did this smear of my cervix and then showed us what the cells looked like. There were too many cells in the pre progesterone state. Which is consistant with the data obtained long ago-that even with normal blood levels of progesterone, my lining doesn't convert pattern as well as it should. So I got a progesterone shot in the office, and was sent out with lots of progesterone.

This is the longest email I have written in a long time. I will write more tomorrow.

1/30/2008

Mondo beyondo List.

When I first started to read blogs, Chookooloonksand Superhero were the first 2 that spoke to my heart. The images, the strong clarity with which they wrote-I was in love.

This post (May 12, 2005)http://www.superherodesigns.com/journal/archives/2005_05.html of Andrea's made such an impact that I printed it out on printer paper and it hung on my refrigerator for the past 2 years. My mother used to say-you are right where you need to be. This post and flower felt like they were channeling her love and words for me. having lost her 5 years ago-anything that feels like her speaking to me warms and fills my heart. Thank you Andrea.

Now these tow lovelies are part of the new Shutter Sisters http://shuttersisters.com/meet-the-sisters/, and amazing new site about photography.

Anyway I told Andrea how much this post meant to me and that I wanted to make some rings with these phrases. She gave me her blessing, and so I now wear these messages on my fingers:)

We are off for a consult with our IVF Dr. in NJ. Today I wear the ring that says: "everything is perfect". I will fill you in when I get back.

XO

(I am late as usual-my husband is waiting for me and I am using firefox-that won't allow me to create links here easily. Sorry for the cut and paste ones:0)

1/28/2008

Things that make me happy

~This quote “Satisfaction is never in the future outcome of some hoped for event. Satisfaction always lies right where you are.” From this book from a dear soul sister friend. And the reminder in this http://bohemiangirldesigns.blogspot.com/ post she wrote, that we need to participate in our own happiness. It takes conscious thought and effort.

~ I just started reading Eat Pray Love for the second time. I am taking it slow so that I can meditate on all 108 bits. The quote on happiness Deni shared on her blog made me smile thinking about all the gems that await me in coming pages.

~ Playing with making Triptychs and using layers in photoshop. Soooooo fun!

~ These amazing beautiful love nuggets that suprised me a few weeks ago. I have savoured, moved around my studio with me depending on where I am working most and smiled each time I absorb the love that emits from them. Mermaids http://dancingmermaid.com/blog/ really are magicJ

~ The soundtrack to Once. I want to listen to it non stop. The two artists remind me of a combination of Radiohead and The Weepies. Each time I listen to the cd I fall more in love. I am a bit curious to what heights this can reach. Because the only thing I can imagine is maybe ending up listening to it on my I pod while I sleep.hee hee. Just kidding. I need quiet when I sleep.

~ That I will have one of my photographs on an album cover. I can’t go into details yet, but I am super excited and flattered. The group was just signed with a label and will be releasing their first album soon.

~ That my show is up in a bigger, newer, super hip, gorgeous coffee shop. That my lovely friend Genine came with me to set it up-even though it meant getting home after midnight.

1/27/2008

****there are links here but for some reason they are set to be the same color as my font-so if you want to get the link you have to pass your cursor over to find it-sorry, I will fix it soon******

I have such bloglines pile up guilt, that when I have 5 minutes for the computer, all I can tolerate, is to lurk somewhere new. Pathetic I know. Anyway, I have visited this new blog a few times, and this chick cracks me up. I have fallen head over heels for her writing and sense of humor.

Writing that I am overwhelmed by the number of blogs on my bloglines, made me feel silly-I am off to tackle my blogline. I just can't muster getting up at 5 am to get some quiet time to read blogs and drink coffee the past few weeks, so my blog reading time has been cut short.

I have decided I will keep a word document open while I read, so I can paste links and quotes to it and erase the guilt I have when I forget who said something or am too lazy to go find the link. I am going to use the excuse that my new 2-3 times a week exercise program and short days are the reason for all this laziness:)

I can’t believe it took me so long, but I just visited Just be Brave for the first time. What a great idea this site is. I love all the links and the interviews are cool too. This quote from an interview with Gail Rhyno was exactly what I needed to read tonight

Question: How do you maintain balance?Answer: “I'm not sure I look for balance. My biggest hurtle was accepting my different roles and what they each demanded and then finding time for my creative one. When I was home with my two small children and I realized that I wanted to make a job out of creativity (I was a Youth Worker prior), it was very hard to accept that I couldn't be artisan first. I was mom first. When there was time at the end of a day, for me to be creative, I was often too tired. As a result I would resent having had to be mom all day. It was a useless internal battle that I had to end. Once I accepted that mom would always be my first role then I could look for other times to be creative and use that time to the fullest. I couldn't let my roles compete, but rather work together. As my children get older, time shifts. So my creativity grows alongside my family.”

I have been swinging on a pendulum of sorts trying to find balance myself. I think the swing has slowed a bit. I have embraced being mom first as well, and this gives a perfect reference point for me. Now I am working with the time I do have. Balance there is also coming as I give photography priority. I was a bit nervous about this and my emotions were all over the place. Spending so much time mastering resin (which let me tell you folks was super duper hard for me) and marketing, packaging etc my jewelry left me feeling pretty confident in my product. Which was fabulous. I am still going to make some jewelry – maybe one week a month-and let that evolve organically into whatever it is meant to be. In the meanwhile my photography was just squeezed in here or there. To switch my focus from something I am really confident about to something that I am not (I haven’t settled into my groove with photography) has been an opportunity for my “gremlins” to thrive. But luckily I took a few steps back, to see that this true heart expanding passion I have deserves attention. Who cares if I am great, or recognized (ok I still care a little), what really matters is that I love it. I am a bit shy to admit, that I often find myself crying tears of joy when I upload pictures from a fun shoot. The combination of looking at the image and the memory of taking the photo, soaking in the beauty, dancing to my favorite music, or soaking in the warm sun and the colors, oh the colors. As I work through the stream of images, songs or poems come to mind as the photograph starts to speak to me. It brings my heart contentment and joy. This is what I am after. This is the best reward.

So I am feeling more grounded. More sure of the path I am on.

When I went to Penelope Dullaghans blog, all this was affirmed when I read a great post she wrote about some of her work and thoughts on doing shows.

“….and also, I’m very afraid people who attend the Nahcotta show will say these suck and wonder how I could do such hideous art. I’m trying to let that go because it’s not about that. But still, that thought is there.)….I guess what it boils down to is doing art for myself. Letting it be an expression of “me” and not just what people expect all the time. These feel really good to make. And that’s what matters. Right?”

Tonight I put my show up in the second coffee house. I didn’t sell anything at the first show. I got three calls but nothing has finalized, and so many doubts and questions have been stirring in my mind. But the essence of Penelope's post and my own ruminations, lead me to stay focused on that it feels really good to take photos, and that's what matters.

A sweet, sweet, friend sent me an email with a prayer. I have changed a few details but the main beauty of it is here:

Make a wish before you read the prayer. That's all you have to do. There is nothing attached. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. Saint Theresa's PrayerMay today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us. Namaste

1/24/2008

I keep wanting to post and then I have a hard time trying to piece all the things going on in my head together.

There is something about having my work up locally, with my web address for all the local world to see, that has got me feeling a bit self concious when I write here.

It is tough to explain, but I will try. Myt creativity was just beginning to expand when I strated this blog. I am used to sharing my art with those who read my blog. I guess that is the only way I have been sharing my art.

My first exposure to this change was when I had my jewelry party at my friends house. There were people there who I had never met. I wasn't 100% comfortable with how to present myself. I felt a resistance to "selling" my work or myself. I have become very comfortable with the take me or leave me part of blogging and selling online. Having this show was so exciting, and a bit intimidating. Having my photographs displayed with a card advertising my website and consequently my blog, felt a bit like posting pages from my diary up for display. But blogging is so public, I have to wonder where these feelings are coming from. They don't really make sense.

I am used to writing freely here, but now I find that I edit myself more heavily. I try to think about how it will be read by different people. I never did that before. Writing and editing are not super comfortable for me, so the idea of making it more complicated is a bit exhausting.LOL.

I will figure it out soon, and when I do I will post about it:)

Adding:

There has been a wonderful little award thing going around blogland, and I have meant to write about it.

This is how it works:

Give the award to up to 10 people whose blogs bring you happiness and inspiration and make you feel so happy about blogland! Let them know by posting a comment on their blog so that they can pass it on. Beware! You may get the award several times!

I have left comments on peoples blogs telling them they bring me happiness and inspiration and I am so honored to have been on some of your lists as well.

This blogging community is fabulous, and that is why I am bound and determined to get comfortable writing here again:)

1/21/2008

Lately I have been feeling pretty wiped out. In the evening when I finally get a chance to sit down to blog and read, I just feel pooped.

Parenting my little boy has been very rewarding but it wears me out.LOL. There is a lot of talking going on at this age-and alot, I mean ALOT of questions.

Lately if you ask my son a question, he will say "ummmmmmmmm, cause...........(insert answer)..", which makes me crack up, since that must be what I do to him. When he is trying to recall something he will put his hand under his chin and stare up at the sky. I don't think I do that one. It is odd to see mannerisms you weren't aware you had, being expressed by your child.

Yesterday I took down my show at the coffee shop. I had to get it down by 7:30pm, but found myself heading there at 12noon for some reason. On my way there I was thinking, this will probably be the busiest time, why am I going now? It was really busy and a bit crazy getting my pictures down and out over peoples heads. The great thing about it was that I got some very warm comments and reactions about my work. I will be putting my pieces up in the Saratoga shop on the 27th.

1/19/2008

This blue bowl was my great aunt in laws. She was a great cook and baker. I always wanted to transcribe her recipes, but never got around to it. I did get some recipes from her before she died. I don't know why I was so nuts about just about everything she made. When I ask what helen would put in something, my mother in law will say "I think she also added season salt". A while ago I went out and bought some, thinking I would get Helens cooking in a little sprinkle jar, but adding a sprinkle here and there just doesn't make it taste like Helen made it.

Helen loved her great nieces and nephews. She would keep little photo albums, one for each of them and she would tell you all the details about their recent antics as you leafed through them. She was a pretty sprite 90+ year old ( I think she was 92 when she died). The last time my son and I went over for lunch-he was about 9 months I think-she served lunch in little courses. She started with a little plate with a tiny piece of lettuce leaf with a spot of cottage cheese and a cherry. Then we had the best sandwich steak with peppers and onions. It was so cute and so fun.

She is greatly missed. I am thrilled that we have a a few of her things with us, and whenever I use them in the kitchen I smile remembering her food and her voice.

1/17/2008

Love + Acceptance = Peace

I have been slowly making things. Some cards, some new plastic necklaces, a few prints. I am also working on a tutorial I will sell on etsy on how to make resin pendants.

Yesterday the sun was out and I woke up with such a bounce in my step. I was in a great mood all afternoon. Today it is back to pale grey sky. I love the sun so much. It makes everything look different doesn't it?

Tonight I have my girls coming over for margarita book club. We will get to talk about Edward and Bella (characters from Twilight the book we read this time). I plan on lighting candles and sipping my margarita, giggling with friends and pretending I am on the beach in the sun.

1/15/2008

I have been looking at things at different angles the past few days. I have decided that I cannot give up jewelry, but I can use materials that cost me less to carry inventory of. I am excited and thrilled. Time and insightful friends and family who are open and honest about what they see helps me tremendously.

1/13/2008

1/12/2008

After writing the last post, and reflecting a bit, I want to clarify for myself.

Yes-the time I have to make this work may be more limited than I thought, but hey I still have 2 years at least. I have been noticing some of my patterns lately, one of which is to make quick speedy decisions based on feelings. Since marrying my very objective and practical husband, almost 10 years ago, I have learned that researching and sitting with decisions often opens other doors, and leads to decisions you regret less.

Another option that I didn't write about yesterday is to get some focus in both jewelry and photography. For the past 24 hours it continually comes up that if I drop some of the extraneous and focus than I could still do both. It's just trying to figure that out feels more challenging than just walking away from this complicated web of choices. I do love making jewelry. I love putting my photographs into small wearable pieces of art. I do. I don't like the messy studio, 20 projects going at once, bills, having materials that I thought would be great and just ended up a flop or too complicated to add to the arsenal. All of these things are fixable. How I have no idea yet, but they can be changed. And I don't want to be a small business that closes down after the first year. I want to succeed.

Part of the wonder of this blog, is how it allows me to see things from a unique point of view, by writing in a journal and then thinking about it from an outsiders point of view because I know I have put it out there.

Instead of thinking failure or quitting, I am now going to focus on efficiency and objectivity. I may come here and need to work out letting go of ideas that I just don't want to , but I am in this to make it work the best I can.

1/11/2008

So I was forced to list some of the new love themed things because I have rented an online table at Poppytalk handmade market for this month and the theme is Valentines Day and Weddings.

The reflections I mentioned in the last post are tsill not solidified yet, but I am thinking about the craziness of trying to manage making jewelry and doing photography. In addition all the issues that came up in my conversation with my husband about my going back to teaching when my son goes to school full time are weighing on my mind. Retirement and college tuition are two financial realities that we both feel strongly about being prepared for. At this point the jewelry has been fun (and a bit overwhelming) yet not very lucrative. I am sure with time and focus it could become more lucrative but I am not 100% sure I have the time to invest, while still working on my photography.

So I am going to use up the materials I have in stock while keeping more careful track of how much time goes into each piece. One of the hardest parts of making jewelry-especially a range of items-is keeping track or factoring in all the time spent on design and ordering of materials, money spent on related materials like blades for paper cutter, papers I use, stickers, ribbon, tissue paper etc, and most importantly the time spent on each step. Most of my jewelry is made in many steps that can spread out over days-even weeks, which is tough to keep track of while stealing moments here and there between parenting a toddler.

I am still not sure what will happen but I am leaning toward phasing out the jewelry over the next few months.

I also want to hone my photography skills. To do this I need to practice and study techniques and submit my work for critique. At least this is what I want to do more of. I used to be able to browse through flickr and that alone helped me with my eye for photography. But the jewelry has taken up all my free time. It is hard for me to get time to work on expanding my photographic skills. I just recently joined Shutterpoint, an online stock photo site. I have only been a member a few days but am already getting some very valuable tips from other photographers there.

I must admit I am torn between the jewelry and photography. I have a lot more response and business right now to the jewelry, and I feel tremendous joy when I know a piece has touched someone, but the process of making the jewelry doesn't stand up to the joy I feel taking photographs. So I keep following where there is movement and the greatest feedback, the jewelry, and put my photography on the back burner. The feelings and messages behind my jewelry make me joyous-but they also come through in my photographs, so the question "why not just do the photography?" keeps surfacing. The answer that jumps up right away is my insecurities that I won't get any better, or that they won't sell, or that no one will enjoy my photos the way I do.

My husband keeps reminding me to follow my bliss. Why is it that such a simple motto can feel so scary?

1/09/2008

How cool would it be to have a business promoter? I bet there is a huge market out there for these. Someone who knows the online sales market for art and photography.

A person who would:promote you to shopping blogssearch and find valuable advertising spotshelp develop the look of your brandobjectively give feedback on what direction to go with your creationspost on a business blog updates, new productsapply to juried shows for youcreate a press kitupdate online gallerieswrite and submit articles to magazines that you have dictated

oh the list could go on and on.

There really is so much to having a business. Hiring a life coach was helpful but not the answer for me right now. I am motivated and driven. I just need objective, experienced advice and help.

1/08/2008

I took this about a week ago. I love the contrast between the red berries and the snow. I thought it would make a lovely card. The print itself is also available.

I have been working on some new items for Valentines day and the Spring. I have mentioned my goal of doing things differently in 2008, to make things more manageable. The first is to have a few weeks of production, photographing and packaging. Streamlining the work flow so that it feels more cohesive and manageable. I notice that I miss the movement that comes from listing new products and having them sell. That immediate feedback propels and motivates me, and the lack of it the past week has left me feeling a bit cranky.

So I am compromising a bit by putting out this print and maybe a few others, while I work on the new new stuff.

On a side note-I took my first non yoga exercise class today at the new gym/family center that we joined recently. It was soooo hard. My goodness. There is something super motivating and super depressing-being in a room covered in mirrors, with a red face, bad form and lack of the right muscle tone to do half the exercises correctly. It was a core conditioning class which is the area I have always neglected but needs the most work. I kept repeating to myself "it will get easier, you will get stronger, you won't always look so silly". I plan on going back again, so I guess the mantra worked a bit:)

1/06/2008

inside out

1/05/2008

36

Well I am officially 36. It feels the same as 35. LOL.

My birthday was nice. My lovely yummy husband gave me a certificate to a full day spa. I can't wait to use it:) I listened to Justin Timberlake while shooting some supermodels (orchids and gerbera daisies) for my new spring collection that should be out in a week or so-more on that in another post. In the afternoon my friend and I took the kids to the gym/family center we just joined and brought the kids in the pool/water park. Then we met our husbands at her house for pizza and wings.

The night before some of my closest girlfriends took me out for Sushi. It was so relaxing and nice to be out with the girls. Girl time is so rejuvenating.

Maybe because I transferred into my 4 year college in my sophomore year, and didn't live on campus, and started grad school a bit later than my peers, I have always lacked a group of friends I could get together with just to hang out. I usually had a few close friends but none of them really knew each other and were all quite different as people and in their stage of life. My first year at home with my son, my friend Genine (closest on the left)and I (we met in grad school), made new friends, that happen to all have children very close in age. Through get togethers , play dates and dinners 5 of us have bonded and become very close and our husbands like each other too. It is something I have dreamed of for a long time and am so happy to have in my life now. I waited a long time and had to step out of my comfort zone and ignore silly insecurities to be a part of this group, but by being open and honest with each other we have become really close and it is so lovely. There is one close friend that we all miss-she had to move away because of her husbands new job, but she still comes to visit for our book club.

As a prior loner (and present people person that still needs/values alone time)I never knew it would be possible to feel this comfortable in a group of friends. I tribute much of my bravery to this online community and this lovely group that I got to meet in Seattle last year. By being open and honest on my blog, and receiving acceptance and warmth, I got courage and faith that I could find like minded individuals in my area as well.

I must say though that there was a 9 -1 2 month period of trying to bond with new people that just didn't end up lasting or clicking. It could be pretty discouraging at times. Genine and all of the amazing friends I have made through blogging really kept me grounded and able to handle those times of discomfort and feelings of rejection.

There are so many of you that I wish lived closer, who I would have adored having at dinner that evening. You are some of my dearest closest friends and I think of you all the time.

1/04/2008

1/02/2008

"I have Big Cookie!"

I was just browsing through flickr and came across this photo. I got such a big laugh out of this....and after much angst today, I have decided: to hell with reflection and trying to be introspective about 2007. F#!k 2007.

Here is to a delightful amazing joyous, laughter filled 2008.

I am going to dance like no one is watching, look for reasons to laugh and be happy.

Hey this guy looks pretty happy, and I feel pretty happy just looking at him enjoying himself. I think that is key.

I plan on making a mondo beyondo list inspired by Andrea, with both big and small (specific goals, inspired by my amazing sil) to keep in mind for the year with an overall theme to laugh often, be as happy as possible and dance.

I keep getting pulled to write a post but I just don't know how to say what is going on in my head.

I have had a chance to catch up on some blogs and so many of you are so eloquent, reflective and amazing.

I often have a tough time with New Years reflections. I think it is (especially this year) because my birthday is on the 4th and the reality of turning another year older puts even more pressure on me to reflect. I just feel a bit shell shocked. I am going to be turng 36. I look back at this past year and all the pain that was brought on last March when we lost Ocean, and how the rest of the year was about tears and mourning, trying to buck up, falling on my face, crying, trying to apply that energy toward creating, letting go of having infertility and trying to have a baby be my main focus, starting a business and then getting lost in said business, connecting with lovely people and then not tending to them properly because I was just trying to keep mving so I didn't drown in the sadness that just didn't seem to want to let go.

I feel a bit afraid. I know I want things to be different and I am determined to have them be so, yet often once I get swept up in the doing of things I lose perspective. This is keeping me back a bit. I am dipping my toes in the water so to speak, but I feel this knot in the pit of my stomach.