Saturday, August 18, 2012

It is a horrible thing that I'm about as old now
as the entire first season cast of Friends.

Here is everything I've personally learned about Rachels:

1. I went to high school with one. We did not like each other, I think because she felt empathy for Holden Caulfield and I thought he was a whiny teenager who learned nothing. She thought I was an ass, I thought she was a little naive. We were both right, which is pretty surprising for 17 year olds.

2. My friend Dean dated one. Once she cold-called him for their college alumni money-grubbers scam, without realizing it was him. That was pretty funny. Recently, she applied for a job where I work, I believe.

3. If I had been born a girl, the plan was to name me Rachel, except both my parents hated the name by the time I was actually born.

4. It was at one time a haircut I actually kind of like.

It also means something in Hebrew, but all my grandfather ever said was "Shayna bubby," and later some sounds like a happy Boris Karloff Frankenstein, when his mind started to go. But the point was I know nothing of Rachels, really.

However, my mom just came back from her study-vacation at what is–essentially–Comic Con for psychics. Apparently, there's a girl named Rachel in my life, in such a way as to illicit a "Nudge nudge, say no more" winky face.

I'd say it's a load of bunk, but the same guy who said that drew a picture of my other grandfather without knowing he even existed, so … yeah.

Any Rachels looking for an asshole who hates Holden Caulfield, apply within.