Unintentional hilarity machine Phyllis Schlafly issued a dire warning to cadets at the Citadel yesterday, explaining to students that they should never, ever, under any circumstances, even in case of emergency or possible decapitation, date a feminist. What makes them even more dangerous is that nowadays, you can't tell a feminist just by looking at her — some of them are actually non-deformed.

Schlafly was speaking as a special guest of a class called "Conservative Intellectual Tradition in America," a course title that contains three incongruous concepts within the first three words.

Anyway, during her appearance, she used her position as a woman with power to explain to men that they should not spend time around women who aspire to be in positions of power and once again managed to keep her head from exploding. Feminists, she explained, are bad. Bad to the bone. "Everything they stand for is bad," she explained.

Advertisement

Further, she has a theory as to why feminists don't get elected to political office. They're "essentially unlikeable," explained the woman who has never been elected to public office.

My god, she's a treasure.

Unfortunately, feminists nowadays have learned to adeptly camouflage themselves; in fact, some feminists look just like plain old hot chicks. Schlafly explains, "Find out if your girlfriend is a feminist before you get too far into it. Some of them are pretty. They don't all look like Bella Abzug."

How do you find out whether or not your girlfriend is a feminist? She doesn't say. But here's my recommendation to any young man who is interested in finding out whether or not his lady friend may be hankering for some equality — shame. Is she so insecure with her own sexuality that she projects her shame onto others? Does she feel like she needs her life choices validated by laws that force every woman to make the same choices that she did? Does her pretty little head appear to be unworried about Man Things? If so, you're probably safe with a nice, stable non-feminist.

This series of quotes is part of the reason that Phyllis Schlafly is a of the co-captains of my Kooky Konservative Kristian Dream Team (women's division). Everything that comes out of that woman's mouth teems with frothing what the fuckery. Bless you all over the face, Phyllis. I love you. Ironically love you.