Hillary's Email Retrievable: Non-Chlorine Bleach Bit Used
[WARNING: DO NOT read this if you do not have a sense of humor. This is not a real news story. This is satire.]
by Amy Zidell

09.21.16

Announcement today that the files on the now infamous Clinton private bathroom server are indeed retrievable. An unnamed Senate Committee source reveals the discovery late last night that Non-Chlorine Bleach Bit was used when 'IT' staff attempted a clean sweep of the unsecured server that then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton used.

As with most software offerings, different versions of the Bleach Bit brand suite have different capabilities including:

Gentle Cycle

- deletes files on systems and servers that may contain micro-aggressive trigger phrases

Color Guard

- deletes files on systems and servers that may contain racially ambiguous or insensitive phrases

The "Make Whites Whiter" version launch was shelved when Hacktivists threatened protests over the seemingly clearly racists offering. It is being relaunched soon under the revamped title, 'Allergen & Old Stain Release.'

While it has yet to be established or confirmed what bathroom linens, including bath mats, were washed with chlorine or non-chlorine bleach, it is worth noting that a bathroom environment subject to moisture would void most server manufacturer warranties.

Insiders say that this careless server arrangement suggests more than one weak link will result in sever contents being revealed including automated remote access and auto off-site backups.