Stop The Presses! I Am Printing a Retraction!

Have you ever read my About Me page? If you have you’ve probably seen this…

Ummm, yeah. This is a lie. Well, it wasn’t a lie when I first wrote it now but I can’t leave it on there without feeling like I’m telling a fib.

A while back I wrote a post about how I felt that my being overweight affected my feeling of femininity, which was quite difficult for me to write because not only was it slightly embarrassing but it required a little bit of soul searching as well. I always knew I didn’t feel feminine but I wasn’t sure why, it wasn’t until I started losing the weight that I put two and two together and made the connection.

In that post I was talking about my acrylic nails, which I loved. Oh how I loved them. I decided they would be my reward to myself for losing weight and one of my first steps into accepting that more girlie side of myself. Unfortunately, due to the affect the hormones treatments were having, the weight loss stopped. It also started to get a little expensive for me to keep having my nails done… so I decided it was best if I removed them. I partly didn’t feel like I deserved the ‘reward’ since I wasn’t still losing weight but the main problem was about cost.

The thing is, I really loved having pretty nails so I decided to start trying to do them myself and see what I could come up with. Before I knew it I was hooked! Uh oh, I DO live for nail polish! So that means that on my About Me page I am a big lying liar! haha

Not just that, but with the weight loss I also realized that none of the clothes I’d bought last summer fit me anymore. Which was good, but also not good because I didn’t want to have to buy an entirely new wardrobe. I did have to buy some new clothes though, and I thought what better time to try something new! For the first time in years, I bought leggings… and a dress. Yes, you heard me right. A dress!

I wore it… and felt silly.

I wore it again… and felt slightly less silly.

I got one or two more outfits like this and I wore them and felt increasingly less silly.

I admit, each of the times I wore it I was a little paranoid about the size of my legs, because that is one area that isn’t showing a drastic change after the weight loss. I’m still quite big in my butt, thighs and legs… so wearing stuff like this really tests my strength in regards to my body issues. Every part of me wants to NOT wear these outfits, EVEN THOUGH they are incredibly comfortable and cool in the warm weather. The insecure, paranoid, body issue freak inside me would rather sweat to death than wear something that might make someone mentally point and laugh when I walk by.

I didn’t give in though, because deep down as much as I worry about my legs, or about my flabby arms when I wear a tank top (oh sweet jesus, don’t even get me started on THAT. Let’s just say I won’t be waving a lot to people this summer!)… I am enjoying the freedom of wearing what I like more and more, regardless of what other people may think.

I’m not sure what created such a drastic change…. now constantly with the nails and manicures, wearing dresses and looking at shoes and makeup more. Some friends have a theory that it’s a possible effect of the hormones I’d taken over the past six months, and maybe they are right… maybe there is something in them that brings out my feminine side, who knows. All I know is that I am through with not trying things because I worry I’ll look stupid.

To be honest, the nails thing? It’s been so therapeutic. There were a lot of days during my treatments that I felt so down. My mind would be going a thousand miles a minute and I didn’t have the patience for anything… but I could sit and play with nail polish and paint my nails for hours. It felt peaceful and for a little while I was free of the mental roller coaster I was riding.

I even started a second blog, yes… all about nails. I love it! It’s not about anything personal, I don’t discuss life or how I’m feeling. I just share something I enjoy with other people who enjoy it too. It’s SO simple and so fun.

Anyway, the blog is on Blogger, which I must admit I kind of despise, but that’s where the nail community ‘lives’, so I figured I may as well have my nail blog live there too. I would have loved to be able to have the nails blog also on self-hosted WordPress, because that’s how I roll… but there are elements to nail blogging (like having to use Google Friend Connect) which absolutely does NOT work on WordPress for some reason, that I can’t use, so I’m sort of stuck with Blogger. Blech.

The reasons I started a second blog for this are pretty simple. I didn’t think the readers who visit Canadutch would all be interested in nails. Not that everyone that visits is interested in everything I write, but if I suddenly just became all about manicures it would not really be what this blog is about. Also, I wanted to sign up for giveaways. LOTS AND LOTS of giveaways. I so want free shit! In order to do that you have to pretty much plague your blog with posts, sidebar stuff etc… and that’s not what I want for Canadutch either. I like keeping this site free of spam and clutter, and that just does not jive well with what the whole nail blogging thing is all about.

For the last while I’ve been keeping the nail blog semi-secret because I felt kind of silly. I mean, a NAIL blog? About NAIL POLISH!? I’m so over it. It’s fun, I enjoy it and it relaxes me. There’s nothing to be ashamed of here… it was just me being silly and slipping into old habits of worrying what other people will think. Over analyzing things… Now I am just rolling my eyes at myself, of course.

As hard as the weight loss journey has been so far, and will be in the coming months, and as much as these fertility treatments have taken out of me… there is a silver lining here. I feel like I’m becoming more and more the person I want to be and am becoming less afraid of what other people think. It has been teaching me some valuable lessons. Most of all, that it’s ok to let your freak flag fly… and fly it will!!

Oh, just don’t think I’ll be waving it, because no matter how ‘over it’ I like to think I am, those waggly arms still drive me bananas!

About Tammy

A Canadian girl living in the Netherlands with her Dutch hubby. A total TV and movie junkie who enjoys crafting, nail art, cuddling her dogs and general geekery. Otherwise just working on getting by and making a life for herself in her 'new' country.

20 comments

This was a super entry Tammy, remember that a girl is always entitled to change her mind! Girly girl or not! You enjoy every chance you get to appreciate yourself. I’m cheering for you and inspired by your blogs! :)
Fr. another Canadian living in Holland!

Oh I was always the same, believe me! Just a few summers ago I wouldn’t go near nail polish and my friend Penny did it for me. I would never bother trying on my own because I always seemed to make a mess. I still do sometimes but that’s what q-tips are for :) I just dip them in some remover and clean up the mess afterwards! Practice makes perfect, as they say!

I should start a blog. I want free stuff too! I’m so happy you are embracing the changes- you look so darn cute in dresses, it would be a shame not to wear them! And your bail blog makes me want to do my nail all fancy too!

You are so brilliant with all the nail things, I am amazed at what you do yourself! I wish I lived closer so I could come over and make you do my nails all the time, lol! I am lucky if I don’t paint my whole fingertip.

And I hear you on the chubby leg/butt/thigh issue, I still haven’t been able to convince myself that wearing leggings out is alright. But I am dying to buy cute shoes and dresses (to wear with leggings, though, lol). I just haven’t gotten around to doing anything for myself, maybe one day!

Breigh,
Not sure this will get to you as all this blog stuff I don’t understand. You and your husband are un-real. I was looking at you second story basking turtle tank add on from 2007-08 and it looked great. I would just love to ask you a few question if possible but I’m not sure your even going to get this? If you were to respond I don’t know if it will apear in my e-mail or do I have to surch the site or? I was looking for a e-mail address but that wasn’t listed. I’ll just set back and see if something appears from you or what. Yhank you in advance. Ron/

Ha, I totally recognize this! Mark pointed it out about 5 years ago: what’s with the sparkly earrings and make up obsession? With me it was never about feeling feminine, it just never really interested me… I blame the fertility treatments, they made me into a woman (just for the record, I was never a man… :-D)!
Anyway, you look cute in a skirt and your nails are gorgeous!

So excited for you. Ther’s nothing wrong with being girlie. I LOVE nail polish. OPI, Essie, Nicole by OPI. You name it, I own it–except for the OPI crackle, but am waiting for my daughter’s birthday this month to give it to her (see, it;s a familything in our house!) I practically went into raptures when I was in Halifax this week and saw there was a Sephora opening at the Halifax Shopping Centre right across from MAC–whose nailpolish sucks IMHO. Can’t wait to check out your new blog: I have to do dd’s nails in that newsprint.

Tammy, you and i have both sought out and found our silver linings, haven’t we? It’s been a difficult journey for both of us and if you find happiness and peace through exploring your girly side with your nails and me through blogging, cooking and just being home with my breast cancer than so be it! It works for us, doesn’t it! Kudo’s to us both!

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