I’d normally avoid writing up Conan guests two days in a row because I have a bumper sticker that says, “always keep them guessing,” but when the internet’s aloof girlfriend gets dolled up to sit on a couch and tell Conan eccentric stories in a manner that shouldn’t be compelling but still is, I feel obligated to make it known.

And seeing as how Aubrey Plaza is only one night removed from her co-star/pretend husband Chris Pratt sitting on the same couch and being the best the stars were clearly aligned for me to screen grab a booty-tastic nude dining room portrait of Aubrey painted by a Korean artist/criminal and place it after the jump. You’re welcome.

So there you have it. Tasteful yet seductive. Now that we have that out of the way let’s watch this clip of Ms. Plaza beginning to tell the story of how she stole an item from Joe Biden’s desk in the White House, then realizing she probably shouldn’t be telling said story, and then saying f*ck it because Biden kind of indirectly cheap-shots her along the way.

Moral: Aubrey Plaza is a less daring April Ludgate and hanging out with Chris Pratt in the White House would be AWE-SOME. Also, Uncle Joe doesn’t believe your bullsh*t kiddy stories. And here’s the full backstory of the booty painting Aubrey made her mom sit next to during Thanksgiving dinner. Warning: Do not proceed if you want to keep the mystery intact for whatever weird reason you may want to do so.

If David Cho (correction: THIS David Choe) doesn’t look exactly like Kim Jong Un please no one tell me.