Behind Closed Doors: Turning Off The Switch

At Any Other Woman, you can talk about anything. Anything you want at all. Any subject, any time. We are proud to be able to provide that platform for you, it makes our hearts sing. But we do understand that sometimes there are topics that are too sensitive, too divisive, simply too hard to write about and broadcast without a second thought. No-one wants to hurt their loved ones unnecessarily and yet sometimes a story needs to be told.

This is your place for those subjects. A place for you to tell those tales you’d not considered telling before. No names, no justifications, no apologies.

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This post has been written and re-written over a number of days, yet the words don’t come easy, so bear with me whilst I struggle through. I’ve been scared to say it, as if hiding makes it not true. Thanks to AOW, I’m grateful for somewhere I can even start to manage this. Some of you will know who is writing, but you’ll also understand why this is BCD in an attempt to save face and not tell All The Internet everything right now.

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There have been only a few tears; angry, defeated and distraught. There have been no slammed doors, thrown crockery or muttered curses. Most of all there’s been sadness, a feeling of grief and a blackness that only a sense of mourning can bring.

Splitting an almost 8 year old team is difficult, confusing and painful. As any supporter would know, once you’re a fan, you’re always a fan; season ticket, kit and all.

When I said my vows I meant from the depth of my heart – ‘til death do us part, for better or for worse. I could cope with any hurt, with sadness or arguments, because I knew together we’d deal with it. What I can’t handle is coldness, as if a switch has been turned off. I am not a person that gives up easily, I’d rather lose a limb and bleed to death through trying than simply throw my hands up and relent. For me, giving up is the easy way out, I want to try, to battle through and come out the other side.

But he’s walked away, defeated and lacking fight. I loved that fight. That team spirit.

This feeling of failure does not sit well with me, but no amount of pleading or begging is making him change his mind. I have run out of help and words of kindness to give, and am only left with the option to swallow my pride and watch him pack up his things, find a new home and walk out of ours. I want him to try to be happier. It hurts me to let that happen, but I always said I’d support him.

I can’t promise I’m going to wait to see if he changes his mind, because the man I married told me that we ‘are better than divorce, we are a team’ – and I don’t look kindly upon broken promises.

I’m attempting to look forwards rather than back, onwards and then up, but at the moment all I see is the emptiness, failure and the fact that I now have joined the statistics of young divorcées.

9 Comments

This is so sucky and nothing I can say will help I’m sure. As you know a marriage needs both people to fight for it and what can you do when he just doesn’t want to? Your love shines through so although it gives you pain let it also give you strength. You will come through this. And we will all help you as much as is physically possible.

I’m going to try and keep this shorter than the post, but I make no promises.

You are not a statistic. Your relationship isn’t a statistic. I don’t really think anyone’s is, because behind every number is a completely different story and a different reason for it not working out. I do think it’s better to happen now, rather than 20 years down the line when you realise that you’ve chipped away at the person you are, the life that you would have liked to have had and your dreams in order to be the person he wants, rather than the person you are. And vice versa.

You are not a failure. You’ve tried your hardest, but sometimes, sometimes things happen that you couldn’t have imagined happening. But you tried, you did your best and you fought your corner. That’s not failure, that’s learning. You can only do what you can, if he doesn’t want to do the same, there’s nothing you can do about that.

I know right now it’s hard, and it’s raw, and you can’t see the pain ever ending, but it will. It’ll get better over time. Lean on us. We can be your cheerleaders, your team of another sort. I know it’s got to be lonely as all hell, but you don’t have to go through this alone.

Speaking as someone else who is another young divorce statistic -please, please know that you are more than this. And you will get through this. And who knows. You might find you like the person you are when you’re not part of that team, more than you liked the person who was in that team (I know I do).

I have a feeling I might know who this is just from blogs crossing paths, sometimes the world is massive and other times it is really quite small. I too have reached to AOW when I needed a little fence to express myself.

Life is way more complicated than we ever imagine it will be. I hope you have other members of your team helping you and supporting you through this. I don’t know what it feels like but I do know that with other horrible situations I’ve been in that you eventually emerge through to the other side and sometimes these bleak moments provide us with the tools we need for magnificent moments in our future.

On another note my partner is one of those statistics – of course I certainly don’t see him like that. To me he’s just my Boyo. He too was with someone for the best part of a decade. After 6 years, they got married and within 3 years after being married they had divorced and then both met new people (In his case me). At the time he said he felt like all certainties about his future had been wiped out and he was lost and felt like he had failed. Now though he says things are different but better than he ever thought they could be.

I’m sorry you are having such a hard time and I do hope you keep your fighting spirit but remember its ok to be a bit broken and to need the rest of your team to help you.

My heart goes out to you anon. You have been given such warm, beautiful advice that I can’t really add anything. All I know is that in my mid 30′s my long term relationship (15 years) with the man of my dreams ended. I was devastated and didn’t think I’d ever recover. I’m not suggesting my situation was similar but what I am saying is that I know what it is like to come through the utter Pitts a happier person and to find true love again. Happiness and wonderfulness is most definitely out there for you. I wish you all the very best. Xxx

You have tried and you are not failure. I too am young(ish) and nearly divorced. It didn’t sit well with me either. I rarely fail (I failed my driver’s test once, but that’s about it) but the 5 year warranty on the Dyson we were given as a wedding gift outlived the marriage itself! My husband didn’t play to the rules and that’s what broke our team. I’m actually glad that it happened when it did, because I’m still young and have my life, a much happier life, ahead of me. You may not see it now, but you will find your happy ending. You probably have a rocky road ahead of you whilst you iron out all the legal bits & pieces, it’s been a long journey for me and I’m still not divorced (I’ve been separated 3 years now), but I can confidently say that there is light at the end of the tunnel xxx

I don’t have any additional advice to give, but I just wanted to add that it really doesn’t sound like you have failed, and that you have done all you can do in this situation. I really hope time does improve things for you. X

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