What to Tell Her During Difficult Conversations

Tricky moments in any relationship can leave you at a loss for words, but sometimes you have to speak up. "Silence is deadly," says Howard Markman, Ph.D., who runs workshops and retreats for couples as vice president of Love Your Relationship, Inc. "A man has to take responsibility when his silence is troublesome."

To make matters worse, men who say less than their wives actually become more stressed when she gets upset, according to a recent study.

In the following situations, talking isn't negotiable. Use these scripts and start the dialogue.

During an ArgumentWhy you're quiet: You're trying not to provoke her, which could cause even more anger and conflict.

What she thinks: "She'll feel you don't respect her opinion, which is worse than not caring," says Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men.

The fix: Say, "I care about this relationship and don't want to say something stupid I'll regret. Can we talk about it in half an hour?" By setting a time to revisit the discussion, she'll know you're not just trying to escape.

What she thinks: Your mind is wandering—or you fell asleep. "This is the time she wants to feel close and know that you feel the same," Tannen says. "Talk is the way she expects you to show it."

The fix: Rather than offering an offhand platitude, mention something specific you love about her. Better yet, talk about a mind-blowing moment to let her know it was worth remembering.

When She's Upset About WorkWhy you're quiet: "Men want to be able to fix things," says Tannen. "When they don't know how, they shut down."

What she thinks: You're uninterested in her life and would rather wait until she stops talking about it.

The fix: Don't offer solutions, says Tannen. She knows you don't have a quick fix, and she's not looking for one. "Show that you're listening," Tannen says, like expressing shock at her boss's actions or empathizing with a problem.

When She Asks How She LooksWhy you're quiet: You're afraid of saying the wrong thing, so you keep the praise short and generic.

What she thinks: You're not into her—at all. "When women ask this, men take it literally," says Dr. Haltzman. "But women are also asking at an emotional level, meaning, 'What do you think of me?'"

The fix: Quick: What do you like best about her body? Tell her how the clothing shows off that beloved feature. Dr. Haltzman says it's not necessarily the compliment that matters; speed and sincerity are what she's looking for.

Meeting Her FriendsWhy you're quiet: You feel shy or awkward, because you don't know them and wonder what they've heard about you.

What she thinks: You're being inconsiderate and maybe even hostile toward her friends. A 2007 article in the journalSex Roles found that men who speak up are considered more likable and competent.

The fix: Ahead of time, ask her for a story about her friends that'll be fun to bring up when you meet them. "You'll share in the moment," Dr. Haltzman says, "and you'll show that the two of you talk about the group in a positive way."

Advertising helps us deliver great content at no charge to you

To access please enter your email or disable your ad blocker

Signing Out...

Are you sure you want to log out?

If you are the only person using this device,
there’s no need to log out. Just exit this page
and you won’t have to sign in again. But if
you’re on a public or shared computer, log out
to keep your account secure.