AuthorTopic: My Revised Topic Please help! (Read 2984 times)

And the sign said "Long-haired freaky people need not apply" So I tucked my hair up under my hat and I went in to ask him why. He said "You look like a fine outstanding young man, I think you'll do. So I took off my hat, I said "Imagine that. Huh! Me workin' for you!"Sign, sign, everywhere a sign..

jgomez

The panic disorder sounds weak. Not to minimize the disease, and either because of lack of national attention or popularity, but I can see why the government would not pay for that. It does sound "trendy." The firs thing that came to my mind was whip lash or going to a phychologist for some "made up" problem.

I can see the talking about your dad can help, but I'm afraid, like you mentioned in the beginning, it sounds like a cope out. I mean, every other john/jane doe had a parent that died and were affected one way or another.

Isn't there any positve thing you can write about in your PS? If not, I would go with the dad story. I would drop the panic disorder part.

The panic disorder sounds weak. Not to minimize the disease, and either because of lack of national attention or popularity, but I can see why the government would not pay for that. It does sound "trendy." The firs thing that came to my mind was whip lash or going to a phychologist for some "made up" problem.

I can see the talking about your dad can help, but I'm afraid, like you mentioned in the beginning, it sounds like a cope out. I mean, every other john/jane doe had a parent that died and were affected one way or another.

Isn't there any positve thing you can write about in your PS? If not, I would go with the dad story. I would drop the panic disorder part.

Just my opinion. Good luck.

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Engilaw

I would avoid using phrases like "pisses me off" in your personal statement. Not only does it make the paper look very informal and unpolished, but it's a really narrow, negative comment. I'm sure you can find a better way of saying how unhappy you are wiht the trend nature of panic attacks. Of course it's your PS so if you like it, don't listen to me :-D

After having read your PS, I did not feel i got a sense of you at all. Your dad's death is something that you wrote about without emotion. I think it would be more interesting the the admissions ppl if you spend more time on how you dealt with your father's death emotionally. You said that you had hated him... How did that affect how you dealt with his death? Do you still harbor angry feelings for him? Was running his business even harder knowing you had unresloved issues with you're father? I understand that you probably want to demonstrate to the admissions ppl that you could handle a lot under pressure and such large responsibilities at a reletively young age.... But there is that old adage: Show don't tell.... So, I think that you could explore the human side of your story a bit more and then, along the way, mention how you ran this business and how it interested you in a particular type of law. Definitely stay away from course language.

Also, i think your PS should talk about either ur dad's death OR your panic disorder.... you can certainly mention both, but if you try to go into depth about both, i think thats a huge mistake. Your personal statement is not going to be long enough to do them both justice. If you decide to go with the panic attack part of your essay, I would leave the reader in suspence. Describe your first panic attack... say something like: "All of a sudden, I was grabbed by this blinding pain. Everything went dark. My heart was beating so fast I thought it would go through my chest. I knew that I was dying." Then go on to explain that you later found out that it was just a panic attack. Explain you you could not fathom how you could have felt like you were dying and it was just a panic attack. Avoid talking about it being a trendy disease. Then, go on to explain how you continued to suffer from symptoms everyday (although, personally, if this were my PS, i might avoid this becuase law school is very stressful, and they will want to pick an applicant who they think will succeed).

Definitely be careful about how you talk about wanting to help others. They way you have it now, and i understand its a rough draft, sounds way to cliche and detracts heavily from your essay. It was wonderful to hear that your experience taught you about waht kind of law you want to do and that you have some kind of driving passion behind your choice... but once you go into the: i don't want this to happen to another 22 year old.... i got completely turned off.

most importantly.... Make sure your language is polished and mature... avoid phrases like "pssied-off" becuase there are rare cases where that would actually work.......

But take my advice in stride... i am no admissions officer, so I obviously don't know exactly what they are looking for.

Never tell the admissions committee that you are "unable to think clearly" on a daily basis and are afraid of "going crazy". They might think that you are too much of a liability and go with the safer bet. Good thing you posted this before sending it out.