Bombay. Evening. Sitting together at a posh restaurant, the protagonists ponder their sad fates in awkward silence, except for Lucia, who admires her reflection in a mirror and twirls a blonde lock around her finger in the general direction of a a young nawab dining with his coterie.

Reaches their table and plops himself down while beckoning a waiter for champagne.

I suppose you're all wondering why I've called you here today.

VIKRAM, HARI, and MALA
Yes, actually.

LUCIA
...What? Did somebody say something?

SGF
I've got just one teensy-tiny little question for you all. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

(to Vikram)
Starting with you, Mr. Dainty-Ego Cheats-A-Lot. This woman could not be waving more red flags if she were Chairman Mao.

VIKRAM
But I....

SGF
But what? She is obviously using you to prop up her own feeble existence.

VIKRAM
But we're great together! A romantic and a realist!

SGF
You are nothing of the kind, mon cher. She's a parasite and you're a selfish bastard.

VIKRAM
She is a little distant sometimes.

SGF
That is because she is a solipsistic drain on society.

Gestures up and down Vikram's torso.

Though PS, love this look.

But just because you can attract honeys while treating them like dirt doesn't mean you should. Be pretty on the inside, you horrible, horrible man.

Turning to Mala.

Now, sweetie, I have a bit of advice for you too.

MALA (sniffling)
Keep waiting until he comes home?

SGFHells no! Dump his ass pronto and go find yourself a nice industrialist or something. Or, better yet, go move in with Asha Parekh or Nanda. You girls will have the wildest sleepovers!

Turning to Hari.

Now. You. Your addiction to suffering is downright Byronic. You may think people like that kind of thing, but take a glance at his bio next time you feel like getting yourself involved in all this drama-o-rama.

HARI
But at least they'll pay attention to me if I help out in their affair.

SGF (rolling his eyes)
Yeah, but so what? They'd lavish attention to the chai boy if he was passing their notes. You need to attend to what you love, not what they love. You're a writer? Then write!

HARI
All the screenplays I'm proud of get rejected.

SGF
Oh boo-hoo! Nobody said it's easy to make it big in Bollywood. You surround yourself with nonsense, you're going to write nonsense.

HARI (brightening)

I hear Calcutta makes serious films...ooh, and their poetry!

SGF
There you go!

HARI (getting up from the table)
Philistines, I bid you adieu. I have a train to catch.

SGF
Now. Lucia.

LUCIA (still making eyes at the nawab)
Hmmm?

SGF (stealing her cigarette and stubbing it out angrily)Lucia. Pay attention. LOOK AT YOURSELF. LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES.

LUCIA (defensively)
What do you mean? My life is fabulous.

SGF
Oh cut the crap, lady. You are, to put it delicately, a megabitch of the first order who should be quarantined in a kindergarten until you learn some basic human decency.

LUCIA (huffy)
I hardly think....

SGF (interrupting)
No, you damn well don't. You need to take that blonde bouffant of yours back to England where people don't put up with your melodrama.LUCIA (beginning to cry)
I can't believe you're being so horrible! I've suffered so much for so long....

SGFThose tears are as fake as that so-called YSL you're wearing.

LUCIAWhat?

SGFOh hush, I can totally tell it's a knockoff. Anyway, no one here cares about your midlife crisis. Oh, and on the plane ride home, try to be less loathsome human being for a few hours.

Gives Lucia a not-so-gentle nudge towards the door.

Phew!

Spies Helen just finishing a cabaret number in the corner of the restaurant.

Helen, my love! You are the only ray of deliciously spangly sunshine in this toxic psychological waste dump. What say we vamoose?

HELEN (thrilled to be appreciated without being groped)
I thought you'd never ask!

my other filmi projects

Bong Along - a blog on vintage Bengali movies co-written by Indie Quill and me (and perhaps a few very friendly appearances by other friends as well).

Masala Zindabad - the podcast by Indie Quill and me, often featuring other writers and fans as guests. Masala Zindabad is an affectionate and thoughtful look at the broad range of themes that define Bollywood and make Bollywood defy definition. Available at iTunes.

Mysterious Order of the Skeleton Suit - the Agents of M.O.S.S. are a shadowy confederation of like-minded writers, broadcasters, creators, and jetsetters who have banded together in a bold mission to bring international intrigue and pop entertainment to the masses. Can anyone stand in the way of their diabolical schemes?

pragmatics

Text (c) 2005–2014, Beth Watkins. The ideas and opinions expressed in this site are mine alone unless otherwise attributed. They do not necessarily represent the views of my employer or of any other organization or website with which I may be associated.