Monthly Archives: January 2012

Stress is inevitable. It walks in and out of our lives on a regular basis. And it can easily walk all over us unless we take action. Fortunately, there are many things you can do to minimize and cope with stress. Here are some ideas for handling stress without causing more strain and hassle.

Find out where the stress is coming from

By getting specific and pinpointing the stressors in your life, you’re one step closer to getting organized and taking action. Oftentimes, when we’re stressed, it seems like a big mess with stressors appearing from every angle. We start to feel like we’re playing a game of dodge ball, ducking and darting so we don’t get smacked by a barrage of balls. We take a defensive position, and not a good one at that. Instead of feeling like you’re flailing day to day, identify what you’re actually stressed about. Is it a specific project at work, an upcoming exam, a dispute with your boss, a heap of laundry, a fight with your family?

Consider what you can control, and work on that

Stress can be paralyzing. Doing what’s within your power moves you forward and is empowering and invigorating. While you can’t control what your boss does, what your in-laws say or the sour state of the economy, you can control how you react, how you accomplish work, how you spend your time and what you spend your money on. The worst thing for stress is trying to take control over uncontrollable things. Because, when you inevitably fail — since it’s beyond your control — you only get more stressed out and feel helpless. After you’ve thought what’s stressing you out, identify the stressors that you can control, and determine the best ways to take action. Take the example of a work project. If the scope is stressing you out, talk it over with your supervisor or break the project down into step-wise tasks and deadlines.

Do what you love

What are you passionate about? It’s so much easier to manage pockets of stress when the rest of your life is filled with activities you love. Even if your job is stress central, you can find one hobby or two that enrich your world. If you’re not sure, experiment with a variety of activities to find something that’s especially meaningful and fulfilling.

Manage your time well

How often have you wished for more hours in the day or heard others lament their lack of time? One of the biggest stressors for many people is lack of time. Their to-do list expands, while time flies. We all have the same 168 hours in a week, and yet there are plenty of people who are dedicated parents and full-time employees and who get at least seven hours of sleep a night and lead fulfilling lives. You’ve got more time than you think.

Create a toolbox of techniques

Because stress is complex, what we need is a toolbox that’s full of techniques that we can fit and choose for the stressor in the present moment. One stress-shrinking strategy won’t work for all your problems. For instance, while deep breathing is helpful when you’re stuck in traffic or hanging at home, it might not rescue you during a business meeting.

Pick off the negotiable from your plate

Reducing your stack of negotiable tasks can greatly reduce your stress. Review your daily and weekly activities to see what you can pick off your plate. Do your kids really love their extracurricular activities, or are they doing them to please you? Are you volunteering for too many causes and so stealing time from the ones where you could make the most impact? Does your whole department really need to meet once per week or have that daily conference call?

Are you leaving yourself extra vulnerable to stress?

When you’re sleep-deprived, sedentary and filled to the brim with coffee, even the smallest stressors can have a huge impact. Whether you perceive something as a stressor depends in part on your current state of mind and body. Each transaction we’re involved in takes place in a very specific context that’s affected by our health, sleep, psychoactive substances, whether we’ve had breakfast [that day] and [whether we’re] physically fit. So if you’re not getting sufficient sleep or physical activity during the week, you may be leaving yourself extra susceptible to stress.

Preserve good boundaries

Building boundaries is a skill you can learn. If you’re a people-pleaser, saying no feels like you’re abandoning someone, have become a terrible person or are throwing all civility out the window. But of course that couldn’t be further from the truth. Plus, those few seconds of discomfort are well worth avoiding the stress of taking on an extra activity or doing something that doesn’t contribute value to your life. Productive, happy people are very protective of their time and having their boundaries crossed.

Realize there’s a difference between worrying and caring

Worrying is an attempt to exert control over the future by thinking about it, whereas caring is taking action. Sometimes, our mindset can boost stress, so a small issue mushrooms into a pile of problems. We continue worrying, somehow thinking that this is a productive or at least inevitable response to stress. But we mistake worry for action. When we are caring for someone or something, we do things that support or advance the best interests of the person or thing that we care about.

If you are away from home for a week, you can worry about your houseplants every single day and still return home to find them brown and wilted. Worrying is not watering. Similarly, fretting about your finances does nothing but get you worked up (and likely prevent you from taking action). Caring about your finances, however, means creating a budget, paying bills on time, using coupons and reducing how often you dine out. Just this small shift in mindset from worrying to caring can help you adjust your reaction to stress.

Embrace mistakes—or at least don’t drown in perfectionism

Another mindset that can exacerbate stress is perfectionism. We all know but tend to forget: Perfectionism is impossible and not human. Nothing good can come from perfectionism. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. Trying to be mistake-free and essentially spending your days walking on eggshells is exhausting and anxiety-provoking. Talk about putting pressure on yourself! Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth and it’s not self-improvement. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction and life-paralysis. And, all the opportunities we miss are because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect.

Mistake-mistaking can actually lead to your growth. To overcome perfectionism be more compassionate toward yourself.

Like this:

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”

“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”

“Triple filter?” asked the acquaintance.

“That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my student let’s take a moment to filter what you’re going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it.”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued.” You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter – the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really…”

“Well”, concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”

The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates is regarded as a great philosopher and is held in such high esteem.

Considering the state of the economy these days, one might assume that people are happy just to have a job. Mentoring may seem like a luxury that you or your organization can’t afford. You may be thinking: Who has time to mentor? Everybody is doing more with less…we just can’t spare time for mentoring.

If you think mentoring is expensive, consider the cost of not mentoring: Does a football team win a championship without a group of coaches and assistant coaches continually working with players? Does an athlete achieve greatness without being mentored by superb trainers? Does an accomplished actor or actress win awards without learning from directors, voice coaches, acting teachers, dialect coaches, and others?

If you want to achieve your fullest career potential, the best thing you can do is find a mentor to work with. If you want your organization to achieve greatness, make sure that everyone gets involved with mentoring in some way. And, you might be surprised at how much the mentors learn as well. It’s a well-known fact that the best way to learn something is to teach it to others. When you mentor, you grow and learn.

What is Mentoring?

Mentoring is a relationship between two people with the goal of professional and personal development. The “mentor” is usually an experienced individual who shares knowledge, experience and advice with a less experienced person, or “mentee.”

Mentors become trusted advisers and role models – people who have “been there” and “done that.” They support and encourage their mentees by offering suggestions and knowledge, both general and specific. The goal is to help mentees improve their skills and, hopefully, advance their careers.

Mentoring is a great way to serve your people … and yourself. As team members develop in knowledge and skills, their performance naturally improves. When that happens, everyone wins. And you’ll find that YOU grow by mentoring, as well. As you reflect on your life experiences and distil them into nuggets to share with others, you “re-experience” the wisdom that’s inside of you. What’s wrong with that picture? NOTHING!

What are the Benefits of Mentoring?

Mentoring can be rewarding for you, both personally and professionally. Through it, not only can you build a stronger and more successful team, but you can also improve your leadership and communication skills, learn new perspectives and ways of thinking, and gain a strong sense of personal satisfaction.

For potential mentees, the benefits of mentoring can be huge. They get focused coaching and training from a skilled, knowledgeable and experienced individual, and they also get assistance and advice in navigating the many tricky situations that can arise in the workplace. This can help them work more effectively, overcome obstacles, and break through blockages that would otherwise slow or stall their careers.

So, consider adding mentoring to your leadership strategies. And as you do, keep the following in mind:

All mentoring relationships need to focus on the people being mentored. Remember that it’s not about you – it’s about them. Accept them for who they are. Help them advance at their own place.

Avoid treating people you are mentoring as incompetent or incapable. Rather, think of them as individuals lacking in experience … valuable team members who need guidance. And don’t forget where YOU came from. Earlier in your career, you didn’t know what you know now. Why should they?

Don’t criticize or belittle. Instead, help “mentees” think through the consequences of their behaviour and to identify more positive ways of handling difficult or troubling situations. And, by all means, hold the people you are mentoring responsible for their success. Be willing to give of yourself and your time, but insist that they do the same.

But even if you understand the benefits of mentoring and it sounds like a great idea, you have to decide whether this sort of time-consuming, in-depth relationship is right for you and for the person you’re thinking of mentoring. If the mentoring relationship has arisen informally and spontaneously, then the chances are that things are fine. However, if you’re taking a more formal approach to mentoring, it’s worth exploring your reasons for mentoring and asking yourself whether you want to take this type of commitment further. To do so, ask yourself these questions:

Is mentoring the best way of developing the knowledge, skills and attitudes the potential mentee needs? Or would other approaches be quicker or more effective?

How will mentoring contribute toward your own career goals, and to the goals of your team and your organization?

Is mentoring a particular individual a good use of your time? And are you comfortable that you’ll be able to devote time to him or her on a regular basis?

Do you have knowledge, skills and experience that the mentee is likely to find helpful?

How much personal satisfaction are you likely to get from the relationship? Does this justify your involvement? And do you like the individual enough to want to invest time in mentoring him or her on a regular basis?

In what areas are you willing to help? Are there any areas that you don’t want to go near?

What You Should Consider?

Although you may want to jump right in with both feet, make sure that you also think about these practical considerations:

Formality of approach – Do you want to take a relaxed, ad hoc approach to mentoring, or do you want to approach sessions in a more structured, formal way?

Frequency of contact– How much time can you commit to this relationship?

Can you meet (however you do that) weekly? Biweekly? Once a month?

How long can you spend in each meeting? Half an hour? An hour? More?

Do you want to be available between “formal” sessions?

Method of contact – Would you prefer face-to-face meetings, phone calls, or emails? If you were to use phone calls, who places the call?

Duration of partnership – Do you want to limit the length of the mentoring partnership? Do you want to set regular intervals to review whether you’re both happy with the relationship, or do you just want to informally review progress on an ongoing basis?

Confidentiality – How will you approach confidential business information? Think of ways to speak about general concepts and situations while maintaining confidentiality.

Where to Draw the Line?

When developing a mentoring relationship, make sure you have clear boundaries of what you can and cannot do for the mentee.

Answer the above questions to help yourself define the boundaries for the relationship. Then, when you’re meeting, you’ll better understand your own mindset – what areas you’re interested in covering, and what you will and will not do. Take the lead on where you’ll allow the mentoring relationship to go and what ground you’ll cover. As a general guide, focus on your expertise and experience. If anything is beyond your skills and abilities, refer the mentee to another expert. For example, if a discussion about human resources issues raises a concern about employment law, consider sending your mentee to an internal expert or attorney. If conversations about work problems lead into personal or family problems, the mentee may need more focused professional help from a psychologist or therapist.

As a mentor, you can become the mentee’s confidante and adviser. You may be called upon to be a “sounding board” for all sorts of issues and concerns. So know in advance how you’re going to deal with difficult situations.

By mentoring effectively, you can do a lot to improve the performance of key individuals within your team, thereby helping yourself reach team and organizational goals. Mentoring can also give you a great overall sense of personal satisfaction, knowing that you’re helping someone else learn and grow on a professional and personal level.

Before you begin a mentoring partnership, it’s useful to think about your reasons for becoming a mentor and the practical considerations and logistics of such a relationship. If you decide that mentoring is right for you, the time and effort that you put into it can reap great rewards that far exceed your expectations.