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Monday, 3 September 2012

spare time and blank slates and such

(Written January 05, 2012 in my journal)

I am seeing that I "fritter" a lot of time. Back in the day, when I was super busy with my big family - and before that, when I was in school/college and/or first teaching, and had deadlines and a heavy workload I had to accomplish - I made good use of my bits of spare time. (Of course, I did have more energy then, too).

But now, when I have "spare time," I tend to twiddle it away - yes, partly I am tired ... but I have a hard time choosing. Or settling down to fcous. And I am way too easily distracted by fb, email, etc. And by TV; even by radio at night.

Father, I want to "walk with You" ... and I have sometimes thought that means leaving my "spare time" open for You to fill. But I'm wondering. Maybe I should just move ahead and do things and let You work through/ with/ in/ along with those things? Or does it work the other way around?

The trouble is, I guess, is that when I get wrapped up in things and focus on them, I have a hard time focusing on You, too.

It seems like my "depression" and/or "exhaustion" time kind of created a "blank slate" in a way. Maybe that's a good thing, even a very good thing - from You! Maybe it kind of took away some of my old (bad) habits, perspectives, etc. But I feel kind of lost now. Maybe it is a chance to be a little child again? Kids don't have big schedules and try to "make good use" of their time, and worry about how faithfully/ fully they follow You. They mostly just enjoy life, take things as they come - and love You and feel secure with You and enjoy Your Presence - like they do with their grandparents.

Hmmm. "Independence" and "responsibility" and "maturity" aren't all they are cracked up to be - at least not the way we usually think of them.