The rumor now is that Hills whore Heidi Montag has reportedly been offered $500,000 to pose for Playboy. Let that sink in. $500,000. To get Heidi Montag naked. I don’t want to sound like an ass here, but I think I might raise my hand and ask if that might be too much. To reiterate, it’s Heidi Montag. She’d get airtighted by gorillas if she thought it would get her on the cover of People. The only way she’d be worth $500,000 is if her vagina laid golden eggs or shot out Skittles rainbows.

The rumor now is that Hills whore Heidi Montag has reportedly been offered $500,000 to pose for Playboy. Let that sink in. $500,000. To get Heidi Montag naked. I don’t…

Now permanently relocated in New York after her divorce from her England-based ex-husband, Guy Ritchie, Madonna has been shopping for a house in the Hamptons and recently visited a 100 acre, 12,000-square-foot, Tuscan-style villa at Wolffer Estate Vineyards in Sagaponack. But of course this story wouldn’t be complete without the part where Madonna thinks the world revolves her. Page Six reports:

Madonna then presented the estate with a 10-page list of demands, according to our source. Among the stipulations were that “no one could be in the riding ring at the same time she was. It was laughable. They turned her down flat.” Since then, Madonna has kept her horses at pal Steven Klein’s residence, where photographers snapped her when she fell from her horse three weeks ago.

My seething hatred for this narcissistic bitch and her asteroid sized ego is pretty well documented on this site, so I won’t get into how I think this cunt should get dropped into a velociraptor cage. God, I hate her. When I see her face, it’s like I’m one of the X-Men and my power is typing on the keyboard really hard. YOU HEAR THAT MADONNA?! I JUST BROKE THE M KEY! WHAT NOW BITCH?!

Now permanently relocated in New York after her divorce from her England-based ex-husband, Guy Ritchie, Madonna has been shopping for a house in the Hamptons and recently visited a 100…

Apparently not content with just making Perez Hilton throw a tantrum like a two-year old who dropped his tater tots, Miss California Carrie Prejean appeared on The Today Show this morning to announce that she’ll be joining the anti-gay marriage group National Organization for Marriage to campaign in Washington against gay marriage. E! News reports:

“I’m here to protect traditional marriage,” Prejean told the Today show of her partnering with NOM, the same group responsible for the much-parodied “A Gathering Storm” ad. “I was attacked for giving my own opinion onstage at a Miss USA contest. I’m gonna do whatever it takes to protect marriage. It is something that is very dear to my heart and I’m just here to protect it, that’s all I’m here to do.”…”I think this is a huge issue right now. People are very passionate of this issue. I think regardless of our opinions, we just need to respect each other when we disagree. It’s all about respect.”

Not to get too political here, but who gives a shit? Doesn’t the world have more pressing issues than worrying about if Kenneth and Gary get married? I’m from the South so I have an opinion on gay marriage, but guess what? It’s my opinion, that doesn’t mean it needs to be made into a law. If another dude marrying another dude makes that dude happy, then have at it, man. More vagina for me. And let’s be clear, “more vagina for me” is pretty much the correct answer for everything.

Apparently not content with just making Perez Hilton throw a tantrum like a two-year old who dropped his tater tots, Miss California Carrie Prejean appeared on The Today Show this…

I’m pretty sure the authorities are gonna confiscate my laptop, and God help me for saying this, but Ali Lohan looks way hotter than Lindsay. But please keep in mind, the bar isn’t set real high. Comparing these two is like comparing shark attack photos.

I’m pretty sure the authorities are gonna confiscate my laptop, and God help me for saying this, but Ali Lohan looks way hotter than Lindsay. But please keep in mind,…

Not like you wanted them, but here’s more pictures of Lindsay Lohan in Hawaii. I would say something about how Adderall and cigarettes must not contain vitamins because her body looks fuckin gross, but I’m really more concerned how somebody could spend a week in a bikini in a tropical paradise and still look like something you’d find in a med school lab. I swear, the only way this pasty bitch could get a tan is if she stood on the surface of the sun or got in a fight with a fire-breathing dragon.

Not like you wanted them, but here’s more pictures of Lindsay Lohan in Hawaii. I would say something about how Adderall and cigarettes must not contain vitamins because her body…

Since no man in their right mind would willingly impregnate her, Jennifer Aniston has begun the process of adopting a baby boy. Star Magazine reports:

Star has learned that 40-year-old Jen has already started the paperwork with an agency in California and is planning to take home a baby boy. “She doesn’t want to wait,” says a friend. “Her best friends all have kids, and Jen sees how much motherhood changed their lives for the best,” says the source. “She’s dying to have that!” Jen has already started planning a $250,000 nursery at her home in Beverly Hills, and has even picked out her nanny. Unlike Angie, she wants a baby from the USA.

God, this poor kid. Until he’s 15, he’ll be required by law to be stuck with her needy ass. He’s gonna eat dinner every night next to a cardboard cutout of Brad Pitt in the chair next to him and Aniston in a wedding dress. “Tell daddy about your day,” Aniston will say. “Maybe if you’re a good boy, mommy and daddy will take you to the movies, because you’re mommy’s precious boy and no woman will love you as much as me and when you wake up in the middle of the night and I’m standing over you it’s because I just love you so much and that time I looked through your window at school it’s because I wanted to see if you were thinking about me because I think about you, do you think about me too? Your kindergarten teacher said you were special but I think she wants to take you away from mommy, but sometimes people go to sleep and don’t wake up, will you be sad if your teacher did that? Oh, don’t cry, handsome boy. When you grow up, you and mommy can get married because we love each other sooo much and then….” *it just rambles on like that for a while*

Photo credit: Splash

Since no man in their right mind would willingly impregnate her, Jennifer Aniston has begun the process of adopting a baby boy. Star Magazine reports: Star has learned that 40-year-old…

I have no idea why these posters of Wolverine are in the background, because it’s obvious Halle Berry is on the red carpet at the 2009 MILF Awards. I realize she’s 42, but to reiterate, it’s Halle Berry. My penis wouldn’t be in there long enough to notice anyway. *Shhh, shhh, don’t touch it, don’t touch it!*

I have no idea why these posters of Wolverine are in the background, because it’s obvious Halle Berry is on the red carpet at the 2009 MILF Awards. I realize…

Trying to put an end to their divorce and the “Matthew Broderick is a flaming queer” rumors, the couple have announced they are expecting twins! You know, without all the heterosexual sex. OK! Magazine reports:

Congratulations to Sarah Jessica Parker and husband Matthew Broderick, who confirmed on Tuesday that, with the aid of a surrogate mother, they are expecting twins this summer! In a statement released to Entertainment Weekly, a rep for the couple said they are “happily anticipating the birth of their twin daughters later this summer with the generous help of a surrogate. The entire family is overjoyed.”

Wow, nothing says true love like jerking off into a plastic cup and having your semen surgically injected into a third party carrying your wife’s eggs, so congratulations to the happy couple! Not the kid though. Especially since his dad looks like an effeminate junior high Earth Science teacher and his mom looks like Marshall Bravestarr’s horse. This kid could come out with scales and talons, and they would be, at best, his third worst feature.

Not to sound jealous, but look at all the sexual chemistry in these pictures. RAWR!:

Trying to put an end to their divorce and the “Matthew Broderick is a flaming queer” rumors, the couple have announced they are expecting twins! You know, without all the…

Not to brag, but part of my job description is to look at tits, and next to Keeley Hazell (NSFW), Diora Baird has the best tits in the known universe. And although I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen the perfect pair of tits yet (I hear they’re somewhere in California), I’m not even joking when I say if my penis got anywhere inside Diora Baird, the top of her head would look like a dolphin’s blowhole.

(btw, sorry if that innuendo is hard to understand. I make it a point not to be too graphic)

Not to brag, but part of my job description is to look at tits, and next to Keeley Hazell (NSFW), Diora Baird has the best tits in the known universe….