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Do you think I'm sexy?

Men in uniform  they dont half fancy themselves, says Fleur Britten

Colonel Collins, who left the army last year to write his memoirs, recently appeared on Newsnight dressed in a blue linen pinstripe suit, gingham shirt and, crucially, no tie. “I always consider what I wear,” Collins confesses. “I didn’t want to be seen in a stuffy shirt, a regimental tie and a heavy woollen suit. I try to avoid that look politicians have, with a kilo of dandruff on their shoulders. I dress to please myself.”

Collins isn’t the only military man to pay close attention to his appearance. General Rupert Smith was recently photographed for The Sunday Times in a rather swanky leather bomber jacket and chinos, looking suspiciously as though he was trying to model himself on Tom Cruise. General Sir Michael “Mike” Jackson, Chief of the General Staff, meanwhile, has undergone an eye tuck, paving the way, as one commentator put it, “for every macho career man to go under the knife”.

We shouldn’t be remotely surprised, of course. The one thing all senior military men have in common — apart from bravery, discipline and devotion to Queen and country — is vanity. “You can’t leave a building in Sandhurst without looking in a mirror,” says Captain Henry Burton, a spokesman for the army academy where Prince Harry is a student. “There are full-length mirrors everywhere, which makes you ask, ‘Am I fit to walk outside?’ The armed forces are the last bastion of dressing appropriately.”

And dressing appropriately means showing the world that you’re a dominant male. “My husband is a bit of a peacock,” admits Lucy, who is married to an RAF flight lieutenant. “I was immediately attracted to him, because I knew he would always look nice on my arm. It was like when Sindy met Action Man. He’s even more of a shopper than me: he spends hours trying on every option. He knows what cut and colour suit him best — like pink, because it flatters his skin tone. He would never walk out of the house in anything dirty or unironed. And he’s careful about his shape — he exercises five times a week.”

Naturally, this kind of sartorial awareness in a man is not without its disadvantages. “He’s critical about everything,” says Lucy. “I can’t buy jeans without pockets on the bottom, because he says it’s unsightly. He’ll always notice VPL. He’s very harsh.” The upside is that her husband can iron a shirt in two minutes flat.

In fact, most servicemen would not trust their wives to iron their kit, says one Royal Marines officer — we’ll call him Barry Buddon. “When it comes to maintenance, clothes come first,” he says. “If you don’t look after your kit, it will let you down.” Buddon sees different breeds of peacock in different regiments. “Marines love to get naked in public — they like to show off their muscles. Cavalry officers are the dandies. They all have the right kit for any occasion, be it tweeds for shooting or made-to-measure morning suits for weddings. I met one cavalry officer with a red silk paisley lining sewn into his combat jacket, just so he would look more classy on exercise. It was hilarious.”

An army officer’s ultimate posing outfit is, of course, his dress uniform, made to measure while at Sandhurst and decorated with lots of shiny brass buttons and gold braid. Most officers try to keep their Sandhurst shape throughout their career, so they will always fit into it. And, tellingly, most choose to marry in it as well. Buddon will be getting married in his next year. “My boots will be ‘bulled’, I’ll have a sword, a peaked cap and my medals on my chest. It makes me feel proud and gives me a sense of my achievements.”

“The cliché of the officer with the puffed-out chest, shiny buttons and blazer has its place,” admits Burton. “Some will ‘bull’ their Russell & Bromley loafers until they can see their own reflection.”

So, would Col Collins admit to vanity? “I’m sure I’m hugely vain, but I don’t dye my grey hair and my face is covered in scars. If I were that vain, I would have had them fixed.” And make sure you don’t, Col Collins. Those battle wounds are your badges of honour — they only enhance the effect.

DON'T THEY SCRUB UP WELL

Every military man desires an impeccable wardrobe. So how do the peacocks of the battlefield kit themselves out on civvy street?