June 24, 2013

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A step-by-step guide to raising sperm into Wall Street tycoons.

1. Hire a surrogate mother and tell her to make a withdrawal from your Sperm Bank. Attractive poor women are plentiful in Eastern Europe. Avoid Central America—when was the last time you saw a brown one-percenter?

2. Give the young man a healthy sense of entitlement. Whatever his friends have, buy something better. Enroll him in a top prep school. Hire tutors to write the papers, do the math, all that servant stuff.

3. As you pass homeless people, encourage them to pick themselves up by their own bootstraps. Like you did. Or, y'know, someone in your family did, maybe. The point is, we all have to start somewhere and they're not even trying.

4. Spend some quality father-son time financing the campaigns of student body presidents. He needs to practice pulling those levers of power. Also, help him drown small animals repeatedly until his face shows no sign of remorse.

5. Harvard time! Remember, the point of college is not to learn skills that employers want (as if), or to enrich the soul (please), but to join the network of other rich people and their children. The bonds you form today are the bond deals of tomorrow.

6. Teach the boy to work. Have your driver pull up to the discount window at the Federal Reserve and load up. Take that money and invest it in check-cashing places in ghettos. High five! That's how it's done, son.

7. You earned it. And like you, your scion needs to believe his privileges are totally earned. Find a justification that works for you. Your family is smarter, harder working, more visionary—whatever floats your boat. Or boats.

8. College is over—time to get serious. Make some phone calls and get your friends to pony up $100 million for Junior's hedge fund. Then hire some of those smart kids who also went to Harvard but came from poorer families, so now they have to work.

9. When your boy inevitably asks about "green investing" tell him we shouldn't pay the price of lower returns just to "do good." Besides, we're insulated from the catastrophes and other bad stuff that happens when we invest in bad stuff!

10. Now it's time to play with the big boys. Finance the campaigns of real-world politicians. (Hey, where else are they gonna get money, Silicon Valley? That's just secondhand Wall Street money.) When one of the candidates wins and starts building a wall between us and Mexico, celebrate by putting your cigars out in the eyes of your illegal landscapers. Or their children. Few things satisfy like the sounds of screaming children.

11. When protesters show up on Wall Street, use it as a teachable moment. Toss them free copies of Atlas Shrugged from your balcony.

12. Now it's time to do something meaningful. Like break the record for vacation days taken by an executive! Hey, life is short. Go to Tommy Bahama, buy some awkward casual wear, and fly to the Bank of Cayman (avoiding hurricane season of course). Check your account balance. Password: FuckUncleSam!1980. That's case-sensitive.

13. When it comes time, encourage Junior to consolidate power by marrying the daughter of a politician. Failing that, take a little trip to Romania. Maybe a cousin of his surrogate mother is available—these poor types never break the cycle of poverty, do they? I bet she'd love the financial security that comes with every deposit from your Sperm Bank!

14. With Junior doing so well, a grandson on the way, and a billion hidden offshore, it's time to have a highball on the rocks and appreciate your great legacy. Maybe drown a few small animals for old time's sake. Oh look, another storm is flooding Manhattan! Good thing you're totally hedged for that.