The Bachelor Premiere: The Girls Want To Eat Juan Pablo

For those new to this blog, I do commentaries on the best guilty show ever made, The Bachelor. If you are easily offended, please stop reading here, as shit’s about to get real up in here…real offensive.

Okay then…

Juan Pablo…El Bachaylorr

If you stare long enough at his abs, you can see the future.

Mama likey. When I first started watching this show, I was much younger and, therefore, it was okay for me to ogle the men. I’ve now crossed over into the borderline pedophile zone and, ya know what, I’m really pissed about it. But I’m not dead, okay, and Mama likes to look at JP’s six-pack abs and buns of fortified steel. That being said, that wasn’t me running behind him on the beach fully clothed and looking like a stark raving mad fan (did anyone see that besides me?).

And can I just give a shout-out to the powers that be at The Bachelor for being hella consistent in finding the most mentally unstable women from the farthest regions of the country to make this the best hot mess show there ever was. I don’t know how you do it, but Keep Calm and Scary On.

Did anyone else love some of the “jobs” listed this year? We had a “FREE SPIRIT” and a “DOG LOVER”. In that case, I feel totally justified in calling myself a child-birther, Cheeto-eater, and a Shot Luge Aficionado. The dog lover brought her own prop dog for the occasion, Molly, who will apparently be part of the show. And the free spirit, Lucy, looks like she smells like a Phish show and day-old garbage (which are actually similar smells). Juan Pablo was not digging her shtanky hippie feet up on his lap at all, but I was so glad he kept her, as she’s sure to bring some good fun to the show. And you just know she’ll show off hairy pits and a jungle-love bikini line come hot tub time.

You have to love that the show insists on bringing back the last Bachelor to dispense advice under the guise that these two are actually buddies. The only thing it did was make poor Sean look like he hadn’t seen the sun since Reagan was President. Juan Pablo takes better looking poops than you, Dude (wow, that was really mean spirited).

Of course, the girls continue to insist on gimmicks despite seeing other women look like utter douche-dicks using them in previous seasons. The most cringe-worthy had to have been the girl who dragged her piano across the driveway. If you were like me, you were thinking, “Oh, she’d better be good to try this,” and then she pulled a bum note that nearly broke my TV. She scored the courtesy rose later.

Can we talk about the masseuse for a moment? I don’t even recall her name. She was pretty enough and seemed sweet, but was that whole massage thing about the weirdest thing you’ve seen while watching TV (besides the weird stuff you watch on Skinemax in the middle of the night when you have insomnia)? It was like she was having a giant O while massaging her client. As if that weren’t bad enough, she pulled out the damn table during the date and massaged JP with oil … while he had his clothes on! JP, himself, called the experience “awkward,” which is the understatement of the century. I’d rather walk in on my grandmother having a threesome with a camel and Rush Limbaugh than watch that again.

It’s hard for this show to pull off a first, but it managed to do so last night … twice. First was the near-rejection of the first impression rose by Sharleen, the opera singer. Juan Pablo was smitten by this strange girl, and then she turned around and dissed him and their lack of chemistry to the camera. It was horrifying and awesome at the same time, kind of like the first time your child tries to wipe his own ass.

It was the pause heard ’round the world when she waited about five minutes to accept the rose. Even then, she said, “Sure, yes,” with about as much enthusiasm as someone who’s about to be thrown into a mix ‘n’ mingle with a group of lepers. She followed that up with a few super awkward “sirs,” and I was pretty sure she went right to the bathroom and wiped her ass with that rose. Here’s the kicker — we see her start to show a serious interest in him in the previews, at one point even crying. And does anyone else think that it was her who had the near psychotic break in the bathroom, wishing death upon our beloved JP?

And the hot mess of the night goes to Lauren. Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. If we had to hear you talk about how your fiancee ditched you before your wedding one more time, I was going to make it my mission in life to find you and punch you in those giant choppers. I’m going to go out on a limb and say you just weren’t read for this, honey.

The other first in the show’s history was THE BEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN HAPPEN ON TV (besides Gus getting half his face blown off on Breaking Bad). Who wanted to just die when the redhead thought he called out “Kylie,” only to find out that he actually said “Kat”. To make matters worse, she awkwardly tried to joke, “Can you take us both?” and poor JP looked like he was about to turn into a puddle of urine right then and there. Call me a TV sadist but it was a spectacular moment … for everyone but Kylie, who has since dyed her hair and goes by “Miley”.

Comments

Awesome review Marn! if this comes out twice I just lost my first comment I think. Loved the Kylie/Kat mixup. Loved how he didn’t just abort his original plan and take her because it was so awkward… He was def not into The Disney princess look.

Because I am still on Pacific time I think I stayed up for jimmy Kimmel. He all but named the final three.. By naming the cities.. JK called him out on it.. Sounded like Andie and Clare were front runners.. He mentioned Atlanta and Sacramento… That Lucy free spirit chick is going to stir all those girls up! Love it!! XO

OMG, Marnie, I am SO glad you found the massage therapist just as fucking creepy as I did!! Even her introduction was creepy as hell! “Juan, I made breakfast!….. vroooooom!” (because what grown man DOESN’T like being treated like a one year old infant?!) It’s women like her that give us women a bad rap in the mental stability department. All I can say is THANK.GOD. JP didn’t keep her through the first elimination, because I think we could all foresee her going “Fatal Attraction” on his Latin ass. A serious case of crazy eyes, that one!

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