March 09, 2007

Quotalicious!

Long week, my friends. Work has busted my ass this week so I haven't had much time to post. However, as I've done before, I came across some interesting quotes, both funny and serious, that I thought I'd share with all of you (along, of course, with my normal two-cent commentary.) Enjoy...

"Being pregnant is such a serious event in a woman's life, and to
make light of life when I had an extra burger is getting a little
annoying."---Halle Berry addressing those ongoing pregnancy rumors.

I cracked up when I heard this quote because it reminded me of the time when my buddy Andrew ran into an old friend at the gym. The two of them were running on adjoining treadmills when Andrew asked her, "So, when are you due?" The woman turned to him in shock and replied, "What? When am I DUE? I'm NOT pregnant!" Andrew, being the quick-thinking attorney that he is, quickly answered, "No, no. I said what do you DO? Haven't you switched jobs since I last saw you?" One of the all-time best recoveries I've ever heard.

It's a shame that every female celebrity who gains a little weight is automatically assumed to be pregnant. Shit, if the roles were reversed and I were a famous person, I'm guessing that the paparazzi would probably think I was somewhere around my 10th week these days!

Damn, only 11 weeks until beach season! Hard to get motivated for the gym when it's 13 degrees outside.

''I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but fashion-wise, that boy died years ago.''---Joy on "My Name is Earl"

I just found these old photos of me that were taken at an office party about 5-6 years ago. Holy crap, I used to be a stylish guy! When it came to my work attire, I had a lot of friends in fashion who used to give me old runway samples or would throw huge discounts my way. Back then, my whole closet was filled with these beautiful Calvin Klein Black Label suits that I'd get for under $200.

Then, the "office casual" look came around and suits were no longer in fashion. Shortly thereafter, I had a kid. These days? Shit, I'm lucky if I make it to work without any Cheerios sticking to my shirt collar. Today, I got to the office and noticed that I not only had cranberry juice stains on my pants but also the Peanut had stuck some gum on the back of my sweater. Classy, eh?

I swear it's only a matter of time before I start showing up to work rocking some "mom jeans" and a fucking muumuu!

''No, that pierced ear looks great...especially if you're going to a Wham! concert with Molly Ringwald.''---Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men."

Speaking of fashion, I was at a conference for work on Wednesday when I noticed this 55-year-old man desperately clinging to every vestige of his long-forgotten youth. Aside from the ponytail and his absurdly cheesy gold necklace, the guy was wearing a Van Halen t-shirt, a black blazer, and Doc Martens. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Seriously, this dude would have looked better in some mom jeans and a muumuu.

"Trust me, Bart. It's better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of them." -- Milhouse on "The Simpsons"

Every time that the BossLady and I start making out or fooling around, the Peanut runs over to us and tries to separate our bodies, yelling, "No, Mommy! No, Daddy!" If she had a crowbar handy, I'm sure she'd use it. Question: Is it us or does this happen to any of you also?

"It was like some ghastly lunch where after lunch your parents have asked the children to dress up and sing."---Simon Cowell to Sanjaya on "American Idol"

Maybe this is a Korean thing but when I was a little kid, my brother and I fucking hated it when my parents had company over. We'd always be forced to wear these ridiculous matching outfits and quietly serve hors d'oeuvres to the guests. After dinner, like trained monkeys with an accordion, I'd have to play the piano and my brother would have to play the violin. Then, my parents and all the guests would coo at us and tell us how "special" we were. Fuck that!

I swore that I would never do the same thing with my kids. I don't care if the Peanut can blow bubbles while playing Rachmaninoff's 3rd Concerto in one hand and juggling balls of fire in the other, I'm not a big believer in the whole "putting your kids on a pedestal" trend.

Now, I don't want to come across as some old geezer talking about the "good old days" but it seems that modesty has disappeared faster than Lindsay Lohan's panties. I see a lot of parents out there constantly boasting about their child's achievements so it doesn't entirely surprise me to learn that several recent studies are showing that parental efforts to boost children's self-esteem have resulted in a generation of narcissistic college students. Look, you only have to watch 5 minutes of "My Super Sweet 16" to see the effects of parents who are obsessed with believing that their child is "truly special."

I know there's a fine line between imbuing your child with confidence and inflating his or her ego. But man, is it me or does it feel like a lot of parents are stepping all over it?

"That's it, sweetie. Let it all out. Doesn't that feel good?"---Mom to toddler screaming in stroller on the subway

Like many parents, I live in fear of the public tantrum. So far, we've been pretty lucky. The Peanut usually saves her tantrums for the apartment. Beginning on her 2nd birthday, we started instituting "time outs." We actually call it "the naughty point." Anyway, the Peanut really lives in total fear of the "naughty point" and whenever we threaten her with it, she immediately cools out.

Except yesterday.

The Peanut had a total meltdown at the grocery store because I told her to stop grabbing shit off the shelves. The "naughty point" threat didn't work so I quickly paid for our items, tucked the Peanut under my arms like a football, and walked home 5 blocks in the freezing cold...all while the Peanut screamed like a total banshee.

She screamed in the lobby. She screamed in the elevator. She screamed in the hallway. Finally, when we entered the apartment, I plopped her down on the floor and, with a sigh of exasperation, said, "Go ahead, Peanut. We're home now. Scream your little face off!"

Of course, she immediately stops crying, gets a big smile on her face, leans over to kiss me on the cheek and pat my head, and cheerfully asks, "Daddy tired?"

Man, raising kids is like living with a miniature schizophrenic sometimes, isn't it?

"Yo, Jack! If you get rich off of this stuff, take
care of my family. I don't want my kids to have to go to no college!"---Tracey on "30 Rock"

Unfortunately, BossLady and I didn't win the $370 million lottery this
week. However, we did have fun talking about how we'd spend the
money. Like most people, I spend a lot of time worrying about paying for Peanut's college
tuition or our retirement savings. So yeah, if I had $370 million,
it'd be nice to not have to worry about that anymore.

At the same
time, I can't stop thinking about my friend Rob,
who lost his newborn son to a brain seizure this week. As HBM put it best, "whether you already know Rob, or don't yet know him, you should know this: he's one of us, a parent who is embracing parenthood with his words. Let his words remind you to be so, so grateful for the children that you carry in your arms. And because the fullness of love that surrounds Rob's son's life and death - so beautifully shared with all of us - remind you that true love lives always, eternally, in the heart."

Hug your kids extra tight tonight.

"A lot of the songs were ones that were recorded in Larry’s spare bedroom."---Bono talking about "The Joshua Tree"

On a lighter note, can you believe that U2's "The Joshua Tree" was released TWENTY years ago today? Man, that makes me feel old. I remember first falling in love with U2 in 1983 after the album "War" was released. I'd never heard a rocking political anthem like "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" and I recall being completely blown away. Then, during my senior year in high school, "Joshua Tree" was released. From the second I heard the cassette, I played it virtually non-stop. To me, it was nearly a perfect album. Several months later, I would leave New York to drive cross-country and start a new life in California. In many ways, that album was the soundtrack of my journey.

Where were you when The Joshua Tree came out? Does it bring back any memories for you?

Just think about this once: my kids are adopted from China and my wife and I are both caucasian - very caucasian. Our little angels rarely freak out on us in public, but when they do and I have to whisk them out of Walmart or something, it looks kind of shady. I'm just waiting for cops to roll up on us, guns drawn, thinking I'm kidnapping my own kid. The scary thing is that my youngest daughter is just the type to make good use of that when she gets older, I'm thinking.