my mum used to do something that makes it hard for me to think that way. Everytime things felt like things were conspiring against me, she would say, "Yes, because the world decided together to inconveniance you." , now that I think about it, it's kinda a jerky thing to say to your child when they feel like life is preventing me from succeeding on my path.

But yes I do know how you feel. I tend to have moments where I think about the Truman Show movie and I can legitimately feel like things in my life are so contrived that it could only be some hack writer trying to make something interesting happen for the sake of viewership. But then I usually end up chuckling to myself because The Roving Jack show would at once be both the most boring, uninteresting story on tv, and one of the weirdest and mind bending things to try to wrap your head around. It would likely be horrible programming. Meaning I am only in a show with an audience of one... me.

So with that perspective I tend to look at things differently. I get to decide how the main character reacts and what they choose to do when a plot twist comes along. and I get to edit out the boring parts and get the est edits on the good parts to make an interesting story out of them.

it takes the edge off the sens of learned helplessness that we all can feel trapped in sometimes.

Players are encouraged to travel around their neighborhood to find new Pokémon.Many players have said the game has unexpectedly helped them with their mental health... The 18-year-old, who lives in Orlando in Florida, has had anxiety and depression and for the past three years has avoided leaving the house unless absolutely necessary...“But as soon as I got Pokemon Go I was able to leave the house, and I walked outside for hours and suddenly found myself enjoying it. I had the instant rush of dopamine whenever I caught a Pokémon, and I wanted to keep going. Then today and yesterday I purposely put myself in social situations, going to the mall, just to play. And best of all I enjoyed it."

it never stops amazing me how brutal a betrayal it can seem when friends say thing that make you question if that's how they really see you. My supposed friend and housemate belittled me and my health situation, and then stated that most people have better things to do than stay in the house and waste time on the internet. It's not that he's just being an jerk lately, it's that sense that maybe that's how little he really respects me.

It's particularly galling when one considers that when he became a father and needed a room for his son in the house in order to get joint custody, who made it happen? Every new housemate we've had to get, who contacts, meets and interviews, runs the ads, and sets up the finalization? Things needing repair around the house, who is free property maintanance? who manages the utilities? Who manages the land lord? whose wireless printers, entertainment systems and appliances are available and freely provided for everyone to use? and doing it all while unable to eat anything for months but lentils and ground beef, and having severe bouts of pain and physical limitations.

Without my efforts he'd be back living with his parents and unable to get partial custody of his son because his ex doesn't trust his parents. He'd never be able to find a housemate to fill the third room, and everything would be broken and non-functional while he would have to try and figure out how to get the landlord to do things for the house and at the same time stop pestering him about inane stuff when he's carrying his son to the car to go to the doctors.

The thing is I don't see these things as debts or deserving thanks or reward. These are things decent human beings do for one another to make living lives less of a constant struggle. But to then treat me like a child, and worse, is deeply insulting.

and I find myself trying to figure out if my attempts to make excuses for that disrespect is a little too much like the emotionally and verbally abused housewife making excuses for the jerk who mistreats her. I just don't have the sense for how other people interact to know whether or not this is just something people can do when they are having a rough day or week, and they don't really mean it. I just know I don't treat people like this, ever, and would speak up if somebody was treating one of my friends this way.

and this has completely fouled my mood, mad me upset, and feeling worthless, and made most projects I've been working on seem like trash not worth putting effort into. and I resent that he can do that to me.

with windows and screens closed a bat still made it's way into the kitchen on the second floor of a 3 story building. which suggests it came from inside the house.

after it's wild panicked flight through the kitchen and TV room for a couple of house last night, we got it outside, but i fear it may come back. and possibly that there could be more in the house.

i fear more coming into the living space, but I also am having anxiety of them bringing in fleas and other insect parasites, and possibly exposing the toddler, or anyone else for that matter, to rabies.

I'm doing fairly alright. Especially since I'm throwing away about ten years of memories and self expression in the for of my belongings from after I moved out of the family house but before I became ill. Although the process of doing so exposes me to so many mothball fumes I feel mildly unwell and wake up jittery after not enough sleep (might be anxiety over whether I'm poisoning myself).

I'm a little sad today because I'm going to have to throw out three of my sketch pads from grade school, as they had been stored away. Some of the things I am getting rid of are things I bought, but it's the things I created that are hardest to see go.

I just have to keep telling myself that life is about reinventing yourself and being who you are now. It's okay to have stories about the past but trophies pile up and become a weight that binds you to the past, slows down your ability to move through the present and can keep you from reaching certain futures.

So I'm trying to strip it back to memories I can make into a memory album.

I hope you are all well and defending against your dragons and black dogs.

how is everyone managing.<snip>So I'm trying to strip it back to memories I can make into a memory album.<snip>I hope you are all well and defending against your dragons and black dogs.

The dragons and black dogs are watching the household defenses while I take care of business. My inner betentacled Chthugan of humor keeps me from getting too badly down, but those purple flaming Dali giraffes are a bit of a hard nut. That and my watch keeps melting...

Seriously, I miss this place sometimes, but things seem to be keeping "interesting" enough to keep me from getting bored enough to dwell on my ultimate inner darkness too much.

I keep thinking of starting something up again in the Portrayal section, just to keep my imagination from eating me alive (see above reference to my dark jocular fantasies), but I don't know, don't want to step on other people's toes too much (And I'm all too well aware that whatever my successes in that area have been in the past, it's been largely more due to others' efforts and talents than to my own).

Earlier this year I saw a bed bug (or bat, or martin, nearly identical in all ways, rather like the difference between a cat flea, rat flea and chicken flea) in the doctors office on the floor near my chair in a room in which they sat me down and left me alone for a bit. Was it already there? Multiple searches of our apartment came up with no signs. Nobody had any bites on them for months, and no stains on matresses or sheddings. A couple people moved in and out and no signs on anyone or their belongings.

A friend that meets with a group gatherings once in a great while has shown up twice recently, she has discovered that her apartment building has what seems to be bed bugs. I do not avoid gatherings where she shows up and force myself not to let anxiety make her seem like somebody with a contagious disease.

I've also had friends suggesting that my health problems could be lyme disease from a tick bite and how it's almost impossible to get a test that detects it more than 60% of the time. Two tests in two years say no lyme, and additional data says my blood tests come back low on markers for inflammation and infections, further implying it's not likely to be a worry.

A recent family gathering was held for the holiday out on a lawn, which I attended in shorts, forcing myself to see and be aware that that not only was most everybody else in shorts, but that pretty much all of us had been barefoot in shorts on grass most of our childhood. It'd be some kind of weird conspiracy for lyme disease to be out hunting specifically for me and miss 13 other people more exposed and easier to access than me.

4 hours later at my mums house after leaving the event I had an itchy spot like a bite on the back of one leg. it faded in a day, not bullseye rash no sign of tick no flu like symptoms. Force myself to let it go.

And now the last few days we've had heat that makes one sweat and my skins been a bit rough in spots. but three times in the last few days I've noted what might be bites on my legs, one was itchy and first thing in the morning the others became itchy little red spot later in the day. no sense of a bit or insect getting me during the day. Another bedbug check shows still no signs in the bedroom, and one bite a night seems not quite right for bedbugs. I do wonder if it's bat bugs showing after we evicted the bat we found flying around our kitchen, but again no obvious signs. So I force myself to call it heat rash or stray mosquito until proven otherwise.

and on again off again the chipping lead paint in this house has me anxious (considering anxiety, digestive problems, anemia, and gout are things that are symptoms of lead exposure and things I have it's not a foolish question to ask. but blood tests two years back say my levels are negligable being in the bottom of the range for average human ranges and on par with levels in people with only exposure through soil and air in non-industrial areas.) So I remind myself that everyone I know in this area lived in older houses most of which still have lead paint, we grew up with exhaust from leaded petrol, and some of them even worked with and had toys that used lead. Not to mention stained glass and electronics solder. And I'm forcing myself to do a craft project that involves working with a bit of lead (carefully and for a short time), that I wanted to do.

but as much as I'm facing these anxieties it doesn't change the fact that they keep occurring. walking in grass, working on art, and my bedroom periodically cause me anxiety. and ever red spot on my skin or itch is suspect. I can fight those feelings, but it doesn't change the fact that they have intruded on the events and spaces and made challenges of things most just don't even think about.

I've been having some super terri-bad anxiety lately. Just that little voice in the back of my head that says "nobody cares, they're all lying to you". :/

sorry you're dealing with that. I had a similar moment at a makers meeting where there is usually a portion where we each get a turn to introdce ourselves and talk about things we are working on. This month was much smaller than usual (6 people), but even then I would start talking about some of my projects and get cut off as they got sidetracked and eventually I'd work it back around to trying to finish, only to be cut off in another direction.

I left feeling like nobody actual cares about the things I was interested in sharing. I just have to remember I am not interested in those things because of these people. These things are important to me and I enjoy them, that's al the reason I need to continue working on them and being happy doing it.

Meanwhile I can also ask myself how much interest I have in their projects and work on a few things related to those for next month to share interests with others.

I found something that expresses exactly a lot of the feelings that I feel when I'm feeling the way I have lately. I'll share a link to it here. It's a song, and the type of music may not be your speed, but the message and lyrics are the more applicable part of it anyways.

...I'm a little sad today because I'm going to have to throw out three of my sketch pads from grade school, as they had been stored away. Some of the things I am getting rid of are things I bought, but it's the things I created that are hardest to see go.

I just have to keep telling myself that life is about reinventing yourself and being who you are now. It's okay to have stories about the past but trophies pile up and become a weight that binds you to the past, slows down your ability to move through the present and can keep you from reaching certain futures.

So I'm trying to strip it back to memories I can make into a memory album.

I hope you are all well and defending against your dragons and black dogs.

No, sorry, I do know what you mean. Suffice to say that we are not lying when we say that we care. I have that same anxiety all the time; I just keep reminding myself that if people didn't care, they wouldn't talk to me.

Therein lies the reason for my Quixotic windmill quest for love. Even though people can be nice to me, every one has priorities in life, such as self preservation, which basically set limits on how much attention they will place on you. This is not an exercise in narcissism, but rather a deep seated need to have someone on your side, no matter what.

I don't often visit this thread, because I hate dwelling on my demons so much, but if there is something that can bring me down is the thought that no one cares enough to have my back. I do however understand that I have no right to impose my life needs over those people around me. For example, if I'm in trouble financially or legally, I have no right to ask anyone else to suffer any consequence from that.

Yet, the though dogs me: How can I possibly be loved by someone, if all I bring to the table is sorrow? Those thoughts torment my soul as of late. When will my loneliness end. Can it ever end?

As I try desperately to build a new career in the US, the sobering thought lingers with me, that I will most likely have to leave, if I am serious about continuing the (literally) second half of my life with my final goal of finding a partner. I could neglect those thoughts and just be content with being a permanent loner with no property or family (after all no one can take anything away from you which you don't own, yes?)

But honestly, I don't know how long I would last that way. Loneliness easily translates into a lack of care for one's self. One's body. As a result certain parts of my anatomy suffer (such as my teeth, which are now in a critical situation and possible heart disease which runs in the family, which can be exacerbated by the stress of a precarious existence). Can I pretend that I'll be all right alone? My instincts tell me no. A stable job and money will only bring me so far, but they will not buy me a longer life or happiness. And I am aware that happiness is a necessary ingredient for a long life.

The way I see it, love is a survival strategy, possibly a need, even a fundamental right, and not a luxury as others might see it.

I stare with disdain at those who nonchalantly dispose of love or pass an opportunity, because in their eyes "love at the time is not convenient." I guess if you're young that train of thought is appropriate. After all, there are many fish in the sea, right? But what if your life is half gone and your chances of catching a fish are low? What do you do then? Should I hold my arm over the same candle that a 20 year old does?

I wish I could express that feeling better though. But this is the best I can do for now.

comes through looking for the daycare section. wanting to leave the anxiety attack here for the day as I'm due to go walking door to door for work today. and tomorrow I need to get up early for a run to another city for some scheduled lab tests, before filing for a yardsale permit and then cousiling appointment, then it's once again out to canvassing. I'll come back and pick up the anxiety later to properly take care of it but I have other responsabilities right now.

I no longer know whether tis morning or evening, for 3000 miles is a long journey and though my head has caught up, my mind may never.

Things that I miss, those that I've craved long, must be put aside for a future. That illustrious word. And may the putting aside be successful. Leaving the obsessive compulsions behind here, putting them in the fire for long-lasting perpetually-sustaining kindling. Be warm. Cozy up to the fireside, you that long to drive the chill away.

With fond regards,

Ever Rose

Logged

That delicate forest flower, With scented breath and look so like a smile, Seems, as it issues from the shapeless mould, An emanation of the indwelling Life, A visible token of the upholding Love, That are the soul of this great universe.

Hello all, I am unsure how to feel about myself with the latest bit of information that I have received yesterday about my Bar Exam results. For anyone unaware of what the Bar Exam actually is, this is the exam that determines whether or not a person can be a lawyer in a specific state within the United States. I did the best I could do but I still failed (according to the standards of my state) and I feel as if I disappointed myself, as well as other people (including friends and family). I think that I should feel upset and depressed but I do not feel that way, which leaves me fairly confused about life at this point. I thought that I would feel depressed and inconsolable in this instance if it were to come to pass, however, that has yet to come to pass. I do not know what is going on. Maybe I still need time to process my feelings on this as I am feeling somewhat stunted in my ability to process my feelings. I am also conflicted by a possibility that may be better off in a different meta-club discussion, so I shall not get into this discussion here. I truly appreciate the fact that someone has read through this confused rant and hopefully someone is capable of deciphering my writing. Sincerely, Coral

Hello all, I am unsure how to feel about myself with the latest bit of information that I have received yesterday about my Bar Exam results. For anyone unaware of what the Bar Exam actually is, this is the exam that determines whether or not a person can be a lawyer in a specific state within the United States. I did the best I could do but I still failed (according to the standards of my state) and I feel as if I disappointed myself, as well as other people (including friends and family). I think that I should feel upset and depressed but I do not feel that way, which leaves me fairly confused about life at this point. I thought that I would feel depressed and inconsolable in this instance if it were to come to pass, however, that has yet to come to pass. I do not know what is going on. Maybe I still need time to process my feelings on this as I am feeling somewhat stunted in my ability to process my feelings. I am also conflicted by a possibility that may be better off in a different meta-club discussion, so I shall not get into this discussion here. I truly appreciate the fact that someone has read through this confused rant and hopefully someone is capable of deciphering my writing. Sincerely, Coral

Dear Lady Coral:

I'm sorry to hear about this. I believe you are in shock. This is not dissimilar to when I could not continue the PhD programme, changed majors from Aerospace to Mechanical Engineering and then failed to pass the PhD qualifying examinations. It was like someone pulled the rug under my feet and my entire reason for being was null and void, yet I felt no sadness. I was trying to process the information for a long time, so I got the Master degrees instead.

I think in your case there is a chance of re-taking the test, yes? Bar exams are not one-shot deals in the same way that it was for me, partly because these exams are not questioning your intelligence (tattooed in the form of transcript records), just your memory and proficiency to practice, which can always be honed to a sharp point (the equivalent for me would be the Professional Engineering exams).

I would focus on the fact that you can always pick up the pieces and try again, after a period of rest and self reflection. If all else fails, you can do what my mother did (she's a lawyer too -albeit non-practicing) and pass the bar exam in another state, just so you'll have the accreditation.

Dear Mr. Wilhelm, I must thank you for your condolences because I truly appreciate them. I also think that you may be correct, kind sir. Your previous situation does sound remarkably similar to my current one and I must agree that I do feel as if a rug has been pulled out from beneath me. I am not questioning the point of my existence, as I also recently found another aspect of my life that I had not considered a possibility for a career and I feel more connected to the possibility than I would have believed to actually occur. You see, the secretary for the LL.M program I recently enrolled in has recommended that I look into becoming a professor because I love school so much. Yesterday, the day that I found out that I did not pass the Bar Exam, I also found out that one of my former professors would let me into their classroom as a teacher's assistant next semester, depending on my school's approval. That position would allow me to explore that facet of my personality and see if I would truly enjoy the role. This idea has enraptured me in a way that very little else has recently and I cannot wait to explore the option further. However, the earlier described disappointment comes on top of an internal personal conflict that I may get into further in a different meta-club more aligned to the topic it involves. Suffice it say that I was fairly confused and conflicted before I received my Bar Exam results and the receipt of the results did not help my confusion any. In fact, I believe that it has only created more confusion in its wake. I also have started planning for my future retake of the exam because I do still plan on becoming a lawyer. The exam is still rather expensive so I plan on taking it on July of next year when I actually have money. Sincerely, Coral