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Valentines Day is Over-rated

By Pauline Wallin, Ph.D.

The perfect card, the perfect gift, the perfect date . . . Isn't there enough
pressure in relationships without having to live up to some romantic ideal on
Valentine's Day?

This is not how the celebration of February 14 started out. Its origins stem
from fertility festivals of ancient Rome, when young women were not given candy
or flowers. They were whipped with strips of animal hide because they believed
that this would make them more fertile. A couple of centuries later, Christians
celebrated a priest named Valentine, who secretly performed marriage ceremonies
for soldiers when the emperor had forbidden it. By the 1400's Valentine's Day
was firmly established in England, but the emphasis was on little rituals, such
as drawing names out of a bowl, to discover the identity of one's true love.

Modern
relationships are difficult enough without having to stage a major
performance on a designated day.

In recent decades Valentine's Day has become increasingly commercialized. TV
and magazine ads depict models with perfect bodies and perfect teeth giving each
other chocolates, jewelry and back rubs. The message is: "Your love is
measured by what you buy."

Modern relationships are difficult enough without having to stage a major
performance on a designated day. Men agonize over the greeting card racks,
hoping that they can choose a card that is not too funny, not too mushy. And the
gift: "How will she interpret it?" they ponder. "If I buy her
chocolates will she think I want her to get fat? If I don't buy her chocolates
will she think I assume she is fat?" "Is the gift too
extravagant?" "Is it too impersonal?" "Are roses too
predictable?"

This is not what love is all about. Love is much more complex than flowers
and chocolates. Social psychologists have been studying interpersonal attraction
and love for almost four decades, and they still haven't figured it out
completely. What is known, however, is that love relationships are
multi-dimensional. Sexual attraction, or what some people call
"chemistry" is only one ingredient of a love relationship, and not
even the most important one.

Distinctions have been made between passionate love and companionate love.
Passionate love is an intense longing for the other person. It is accompanied by
extreme feelings: ecstasy when things are going well, and despair when things
are rocky. Passionate love is also characterized by physical sensations, such as
rapid heartbeat and "butterflies" in the stomach.