World can’t understand Scottish decision

“The people of Scotland have spoken, but we can’t understand them,” said Prime Minister David Cameron early Friday morning.

EDINBURGH, Scotland — Amid a slew of apologies, the world has announced it can’t actually understand the outcome of Scotland’s independence referendum.

“We’re really quite embarrassed,” the world said immediately after Scottish first minister Alex Salmond appeared on television, presumably announcing the result of Thursday’s historic vote to break apart the 307-year union. “It’s just that we’re not used to your accent, which is lovely by the way, and we really do assume you’re speaking English, and that you haven’t just got a piece of food stuck in your throat.”

“Could you just say that again?” the world added. “Was that yes, or no?”

After several more attempts and much frustrated hand gesturing, a red-faced world said it had a terrible ache in both of its ears, and would Scotland mind writing that down?