Amen manager Niamh Farrell said most men react to abuse by staying silent

‘John’, who remained anonymous for legal reasons, said his cries for help were first met by laughter and disbelief.

John told the Irish Sun: “It’s very difficult to come forward as a man and seek help. I found there was a major stigma involved.

“I would be involved in rugby and GAA and to tell my friends that I was being beaten up by my wife, you know, they’d laugh at me.

“She would be much smaller in stature than me, I’m not a big man but I’m not small either so a lot of the time people just laugh or else they don’t believe you.

“I eventually told my friends and a lot of them already knew because I would have black eyes and things but they just didn’t want to confront me on it.

“When I did tell them about the extent of it most of them reacted positively, and a couple negatively.

One in four victims of domestic abuse in Ireland are men, and John explained that size is irrelevant when you find yourself in a relationship with a violent person.

“A lot of them just wouldn’t believe my story and that can be really difficult when you’re not believed about something like this.”

One in four victims of domestic abuse in Ireland are men, and John explained that size is irrelevant when you find yourself in a relationship with a violent person.

The dad-of-four admitted that his marriage began “like any other normal and happy relationship” but it soon turned into hell when his wife began lashing out at him and the children.

The 52-year-old, from the Midlands, said: “Everything was going well for a number of years and then gradually my wife started hitting me and the children.

“I’d go in to save the children and she’d hit me, and that’s how it started. It gradually got worse and then got to the stage that we were moved by social services from our home.

“When there are children involved it can get very messy and dangerous. I was lucky that I was removed from the house because it could have got a lot worse.

“The children were semi-seriously injured on a couple of occasions. The breaking point for me was that one night she knocked me out cold when she smashed me on the back of the head from behind with some sort of instrument.”

“I stayed far too long, this would have been going on for a couple of years, but you wouldn’t believe how hard it is for men. You can’t take the kids. If you’re
leaving, you have to leave on your own and I wasn’t leaving the kids in that situation.

“At the start, the beatings would be very scarce but after a while it turns into every other day.

“Anything could bring them on, one of the kids could spill a drink on the floor or not do their homework and she’d give out hell and hit them so I’d run in to protect them and I’d get a beating.

“The children were semi-seriously injured on a couple of occasions. The breaking point for me was that one night she knocked me out cold when she smashed me on the back of the head from behind with some sort of instrument.”

“That was the worst of them all, I was out cold and the children had to try to bring me up to bed.

“Once the social workers heard that, they said ‘right, you need to leave with the kids’.

“Past cases suggest that even when a man has proved he is the victim, the only solution offered to him is to leave the home, leading to separation from his children and sometimes homelessness.”

“She was a violent woman, she wanted to fix everything by hitting or bullying people, she’d never just talk.

“I used to worry so much when I was away and the kids were alone with her.

“When they finally got out of this situation they were in bits I must say, they needed counselling — but thankfully they’re doing OK now.”

John eventually built up the courage to contact Amen, a support group for male victims of domestic abuse. Manager Niamh Farrell revealed the main reasons for men staying silent.

Niamh told the Irish Sun: “Most men react to abuse by staying silent. The main reason is often put down to fear of ridicule and, the realisation it is unlikely his partner will be evicted.

“Past cases suggest that even when a man has proved he is the victim, the only solution offered to him is to leave the home, leading to separation from his children and sometimes homelessness.

“My main advice is for men to come forward, realise that this won’t just go away by itself.”

“Research shows male victims suffer society’s stigma for not protecting themselves, often become depressed in their isolation, feel suicidal and sometimes take their own lives without disclosure.

“We get at least 20 calls a day from male victims. But only five per cent of men report abuse compared to 29 per cent of women.”

John admitted he only discovered how widespread the problem was when he finally contacted Amen.

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He said: “It’s hard because it’s not like a randomer on the street hit you a box — you love this person to bits who’s doing it to you so it’s difficult to leave.

“I didn’t press charges against her because it’s a difficult situation . . . but we are going through the courts at the minute finalising our divorce.

“My main advice is for men to come forward, realise that this won’t just go away by itself.

“Pick up the phone and call Amen.”

How to get help

AMEN provides support and information to men or their friends or family that seek it.
You can contact Amen’s confidential helpline Monday to Friday between 9am and 5pm on 0818 22 22 40, email them at info@amen.ie or go to amen.ie.
You can also visit them at St Anne’s Resource Centre on Railway Street, Navan, Co Meath.
Amen have been backed with Government funding but still rely heavily on donations as they look to expand the organisation to help more victims.
You can donate here.