Pence Seen Clutching Western Wall As Pain Of Recent Circumcision Overwhelms

Pence seen praying for peace in his pants

On his recent trip to Israel, U.S. V.P. Mike Pence, who has intermittently claimed a kinship to his Jewish brethren, underwent a penile circumcision in solidarity. In addition, he added, “my penis needs a new look.” The procedure, often performed by a mohel trained for this special purpose, occurs to male Jews who are 8 days of age. Following in the steps of Abraham, the famed Jewish patriarch, who had his penis ritualized at 99 years of age, Pence proclaimed, “while I’m 58 years old, my penis feels like it’s in his nineties, so there.” Clutching a bottle of Manischewitz, the syrupy sweet kosher wine, and in obvious genital discomfort, Pence perked up a bit and added, “I can’t wait to show it to Donald, I mean Karen.”