Thursday, July 31, 2008

The other day I was chatting with my friend Suzie on the phone. As we visited number 7 walked past with a box and the connecting wire to one of his big brothers Game Boys. He had attached one end of the wire to the box and was holding on to the other end of the wire so that the box was being pulled along like a puppy on a leash. As he passed he said, "Look Mom, my doggy box". it was about a week before his 4 year birthday and I said to Suzie, "Aww, he's so cute, it makes me sad to think that he's growing up and I won't have someone doing those cute little boy things for much longer".

Suzie and I chatted for a while longer then I started to smell smoke, a little at first then stronger and stronger, until I opened the back door too see where it was coming from. On my back patio was a 3 foot wide 4 foot high fire, no little culprit in sight. I began yelling for my boys and grabbed the camera. The boys started showing up one at a time, Adam was conspicuously missing. "Who did this?" I yelled. "Get the hose". A loud pop goes off in the fire and some cardboard fire works containers roll out. The boys turn on the hose and douse the fire as a guilty looking Adam comes around the corner of the house, head down.

Mom: Adam did you start this fire?

Adam: Nn... yes? (As he shakes his head no.)

Mom: Adam you could have got hurt.

Adam: But I didn't!

Mom: You could have burned down our house.

Adam: But I didn't!

Mom: You could drive Mommy crazy!

Adam: But I didn't!

Actually he is, but not so much as his fifteen year old brother who left a box of matches on the BBQ.

Things we lost in the fire, a large box, a smaller box, a Game boy connector cord, a stuffed quacking duck, some previously burned (thank heavens) fireworks containers, a box of matches and a few random toys.

Things we gained, a smile and some perspective on little ones growing up...can't come fast enough.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I have a corner garden in my backyard, a perennial garden complete with a kissing arbor and a bird bath. In the deepest corner of this garden I planted Hollyhocks they are tall and old fashioned and seemed like a good fit aesthetically and spiritually. Yes, I feel that gardening is a spiritual hobby at least when I'm not cursing weeds. So back to my story..I planted Hollyhocks they grew a little but never bloomed. Now, perennials are supposed to come back every year and every year something came up where the hollyhocks were supposed to grow, I would leave it for a few weeks thinking it might be Hollyhocks but finally realizing it was a weed I would pull the leaves and stems off.

This year my hardy Hollyhock/weed began to grow, I left it the traditional few weeks then determined to take it out once and for all. I prepared myself with a shovel and weed killer I would remove this cursed weed and plant the Hollyhocks I had always planned on, this would be the year for the garden of my dreams. I just couldn't do it, little thoughts came into my head; nothing else seems to grow in this corner, maybe I have been hasty over the past years and it was a flower that kept trying to grow. I guess somewhere inside I felt a sense of identity with this plant who kept coming back year after year despite my lame efforts to get rid of it. Eventually I came to the conclusion that, because of its tenacity, this plant had earned a season of full growth in my garden .

I left it, it did well for a while then came down with a terrible case of aphids. Again I thought about getting rid of it; but, all the events of the last few weeks unfolded and it kept growing. It has now grown big enough to perfectly fill it's space in the garden it is the right height and circumference it is also big enough to identify. My weed is a Burr, that's right burrs, the sticky, poky things that get in your socks or fur when you're out walking in the wilds. The things that if stuck under a horses saddle will dig in and irritate until the poor animal goes crazy, bucking and fighting to stop the pain.

I'm glad I let it grow, in another day or so it will be covered in beautiful purple flowers, to the unaware eye my Burr plant will look like part of a well planned garden. I guess in God's landscaping it is. We go through life trying to pull out our perceived weaknesses, occasionally we even get the shovel and weed killer out and go to town on ourselves. Sometimes we need to just sit back, let the garden grow, trust in ourselves and God. After all who said Burrs were weeds? A horse may never know how strong it is until it dislodges a saddle with a burr under it.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Most of the people who read my blog are family and friends who know what happened so I'll be brief on events but longer on feelings in the hopes that someone can benefit. It's nice to know we're not alone as we sample the many experiences life has to offer.

I have been told that I seem to be doing well, that I'm strong and that I'm coping gracefully; in actuality it is your strength, your prayers, and concern that has lifted me and will continue to carry me through the months and weeks ahead. Well, that and an almost annoying blessing of being able to see the hand of God in all of it.

Two weeks ago today my Adorable Husband told me he was going for walk. He kissed me and left then called his business partner and told him everything was going well and as planned,that he was excited about the future. Then he crossed the street to my Mom's house swallowed the entire contents of a brand new bottle of sleeping pills, went down to an unused bedroom, turned off his phone and went to sleep. An hour or so later his partner called and asked if I had talked to him in the last few minutes. I began looking and told my number 2 son I needed to find his Dad, he went over to Grandma's and found him in the basement. We were able to get him out to the car and to the hospital, for a weeks stay in the psychiatric unit. During the stay his partner and I discovered and uncovered a huge, horrible business fiasco that will take a very long time to sort through.

As I look back over the course of our lives I have wondered if all of it was based on lies, I have swung through emotions of anger, pain, despair, guilt, agony. I seem to have my worst moments in the early hours before dawn when everything is so dark and the whole world seems to be sleeping when I can't. It is really easy to get lost in the questions and worries, I do that; but, in those darkest hours before dawn when my hurt and my pain are all I can feel, from somewhere deep inside comes an understanding of my husbands hurts, his pains and the very real illness that affects his thoughts and action to the point that killing the part of him that is sick and broken seemed like the best thing to do for his family, himself and his business associates.

The hardest thing for me to do is reach out to see if anyone cares and the most joyful part is finding out how many do. Your comments and phone calls, kindnesses and prayers mean so much. I am thankful for the power of God for his blessing and goodness in our lives, for your strength so willingly shared, and for the strength of my husband who in the only way he could reached out to God and humanity.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I have 4th of July pictures, I have pictures of a fire Adam set in the back yard, I have funny stories. I have a husband in the hospital fighting for his life. I have a lot of questions, pain, guilt, how could I have missed so much? We have a long dark road ahead, we could use your prayers. Hopefully I won't quit taking pictures and seeing the fun of a three year old building his own bonfire.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Hard to say, considering my bedroom clock is anywhere between 15 to 40 minutes fast; I dropped Joshua off for football at 7:07.

2. Diamonds or pearls?

Diamonds

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?

Sex In The City, Baby!

4. What is your favorite TV show?

CSI, Law and Order, 2 ½ Men

5. What do you usually have for breakfast?

Fiber & Protein Bar

6. What is your middle name?

Lynn

7. What food do you dislike?

Green Peppers

8. What is your favorite CD at the moment?

Sarah McLachlan

9. What kind of car do you drive?

Suburban

10. Favorite sandwich?

Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream Sandwiches

11. What characteristic do you despise?

Fake Bubbly

12. Favorite item of clothing?

Tank Top

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?

I’d like to wander the beaches of the world with a hunky, private masseuse who is a pastry chef.

14. Where would you retire to?

My back Yard, do you think I could move it somewhere warm for the winters?

15. What was your most recent memorable birthday?

August 10, 2008, the one where I was woken up by a handsome, muscley man who gave me a massage, a pedicure, and a manicure, as he fed me an assortment of pastries; then took me shopping to buy a wardrobe to fit my new size 10 body.

16. Furthest place you are sending this questionnaire?

Iraq

17. Person you expect to send it back first?

BIL Darren

18. When is your birthday?

August 10, 1965

19. Morning person or a night person?

Night Owl

20. What is your shoe size?

9

21. Pets?

A Red Beta Fish named knuckles, and 13 quail eggs that we rescued after taking out a bush at Grandmas.

Hi !

Yes, jealous women, I spend my days surrounded by adoring men, one Adorable Hubby and 7, yes that's 1-2-3-4-5-6-7, handsome sons who cater to my every whim. When I'm not being doted upon I garden, cook, exercise,clean, complain about laundry, and read. Some of my favorites include a massage, pedicures, rain, bottled water, See's chocolates, my oh so Adorable Hubby, boys, boys, boys,and many friends.