Thursday, September 10, 2009

My First Appoinment With A Psychiatrist

For many, who still don't know about my "condition", this post will definitely reveal all secrets, for once and for all. I had to write a mail to a friend living abroad, about how my life's first appoinment with a psychiatrist, did go. She knows, and I know that there are many more such appoinments to come, and this first one won't really matter in the long run (unless manking really ends on 21st December, 2012). So, I decided to copy-paste most of it from there to here. The day was 4th September. 2009. Before I start off, I apologise for the delay in posting it. I'll just provide the too important details, that will help me recollect the whole thing, in future. After all, this is my e-diary!

1. The three of us (mum, dad, and me) went to her and her first question was "So, what's your problem?"

2. Ma answered her question. She told her all that she disliked about me. My dressing, my smoking, my "large" number of friends, etc3. Dad said that I led a luxuriant lifestyle which is unsuitable for a middle class family. The psychiatrist (I'll refer to her as CB from now on) asked my dad, whether he could afford the "luxuries" I asked for. He said yes, he could afford, but he didn't want to spoil me.

4. Next, CB asked them what were the "good" qualities in me. They said that I am always available for help, be it for friends, or family. I am very helpful. Dad added that I read good books, and watch good movies.

5. Then she turned to me and asked me what I had to say about what my parents said. I told her the ones I agreed with, and the ones I didn't agree with.

6. She sent my parents away, and talked to me for an hour, in private. She asked me questions like whether I masturbate, and whether I ever had an orgasm, whether my friends had normal sexualities and normal orientations, how my love-life was and when did I realise that I felt like a guy etc.

7.Her conclusions drawn were:

(a) The female figures in my life, namely my mum and Dida have been UN-inspiring. Thus, I have believed that females are weak creatures, and so, I wanted to be male. I disagreed, I told her about Gayatri miss, Racho's mum, etc people, the female figures who had played greater roles in my life, and who are not WEAK. She said, I liked my friends' mothers and teachers, because they were of a motherly age, and I was looking for a mother in them. I said that might be true, but that doesn't have anything to do with my sexuality.

(b) She said that my girlfriend left me because she was looking for a boyfriend, not a son. And I was looking for a mother, and not a girl-friend. I didn't react to it. (My ex-girl-friend laughed a lot when she heard this. CB was ridiculous, she said.)

(c) She said that I ought to talk to people who have already undergone the surgery, to know the other side of the story. I agreed. She asked me to join Sappho (which is actually a Lesbian community in Kolkata). I told her that I'm not homosexual; but she didn't pay any attention to that.

(d) She said that I let logic rule over my emotions. I decide what's right and what's wrong with my brain, and not with my heart. I didn't tell her anything, but I couldn't agree with it. But, later, Tiyash said, that she was right. I really let my logic rule over my emotions. I took that as a compliment.

(e) She was good, but she wasn't transgender herself. Nor was she a gender therapist. So, there were a lot of things that she didn't understand. There were a lot of things I said, that she had never heard of. For example, using a chest belt. I have read in many websites, that using a chest belt is a symptom of female-to-male trans behavior, and the behavior could be diagnosed with physical examination of the chest region. She hadn't heard of it. If she would have, she would have examined my chest, and found scars leading back to class VII, when I first started using it. Anyway, I'm not going back to her, even though my parents are impressed by her.

(f) After she finished talking to me, she talked to my parents for 10 minutes, in private. I dunno what she said or asked. My parents haven't said anything about it. Maybe she asked them not to talk about it. But my mum doesn't object to my "disguise" anymore. That's the only development so far.

That's all. She asked me to consider the surgery after I'm 21 years old, because according to her, adolescence technically ends at 21 years of age. And during adolescence it's usual for a person to be confused about his/her sexuality, and sexual orientation. I said, yeah, I will have to wait till 21, because my parents won't give me the money for the surgery, now or ever.