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Post by isolina on Jan 3, 2018 13:55:21 GMT -5

Hello, I am very grateful I found this forum. My husband and I have been married for 14 years and we only have sex a few times a year, only if I take the lead. The sex is sad, always the same, always in the dark. More often then not, when I initiate, I get rejected. When I try to talk about it, I am just told this is the way it is, and that I can leave if I don't like it. Clearly, I feel rejected and miserable and I often think I should get a divorce. I don't think talking more about this with my husband is going to change anything. Plus I hate the feeling of forcing him to have sex with him. This is something that should come naturally. So lately I've just given up, I feel we are growing apart, but I also feel that I am done fighting and that I've exhausted all the energy I had trying to change things.

Things will not change. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. Probably divorce is inevitable.

Things are very complicated because we have two young children, and I think of the harm a divorce would do to them. On top of that, I am not from the US, I am in the US for my husband. Imagining myself divorced, with two kids, away from my country and my from family is just too hard because I will have no support. But I would probably have to remain in the US, even if divorced, or my kids would not be able to see their dad. Please don't get me wrong, the US has been good to me, it's just that I'm alone here and the natural thing for me to do would be to go where my support network is. I also think that my kids will hate me for divorcing their dad, when they get older, and the negative impact this might have on my kids' relationships. All these feelings are quite overwhelming and make me feel like in a Greek tragedy. No matter what I decide, someone will have to perish. If I stay in this wedding, I will perish. If I get a divorce, my family will perish and my children will resent me.

In sum, this is my situation. I think I understand clearly that a divorce is the only way out. But the repercussions of a divorce seem too daunting, and I am afraid I might do more harm than good.

Thank you for letting me vent. I feel that just writing things down has helped me clarify my ideas.

Post by h on Jan 3, 2018 14:53:55 GMT -5

Welcome isolina and I hope sharing here is a help. I recommend starting your own thread in the Sexless Marriage Issues folder so we can get more details and support from a wider audience. One quick thought: You fear the negative impact a divorce would have on your kids. What if your marriage is worse for them? What if your kids are getting a bad example of what a marriage is and end up in a similar situation as you?

Called the W out for her reset attempt and as expected, her changes were temporary. Not surprised.

Post by choosinghappy on Jan 5, 2018 5:44:43 GMT -5

I’m sorry to hear about your situation isolina , especially because your H refuses to talk with you about it. When he’s said “if you don’t like it you can leave” have you ever challenged him on that? Have you ever asked if what he wants is for you to leave? That is incredibly hurtful and I feel for you. Welcome to the group.

Post by isolina on Jan 5, 2018 20:41:12 GMT -5

Welcome isolina and I hope sharing here is a help. I recommend starting your own thread in the Sexless Marriage Issues folder so we can get more details and support from a wider audience. One quick thought: You fear the negative impact a divorce would have on your kids. What if your marriage is worse for them? What if your kids are getting a bad example of what a marriage is and end up in a similar situation as you?

H you are right. Sometimes I say to myself that I need to be strong for the kids and endure this, but I also think that a mother that would just put up with anything to keep the family together is a bad example of resignation.

Post by isolina on Jan 5, 2018 20:47:09 GMT -5

I’m sorry to hear about your situation isolina , especially because your H refuses to talk with you about it. When he’s said “if you don’t like it you can leave” have you ever challenged him on that? Have you ever asked if what he wants is for you to leave? That is incredibly hurtful and I feel for you. Welcome to the group.

Lonelywifey, I really don't know if he is sad like me and would like me to take the first step to get over with our wedding, or if he says so thinking I won't do it. It is really hard because he doesn't want to talk about anything. I tried too many times to talk about things with him, but now I am so burned out that I am not sure that talking will make a difference.

It really takes two people to tango, and I feel I have played both parts for too long, I am a bit tired of fighting to make things work. The sex is not coming back. The length of our relationship really only depends on my ability to put up with it. Unfortunately I am like a mule. I can carry a lot a lot of weight on my shoulders before breaking. But sooner or later a mule breaks too.

Post by choosinghappy on Jan 5, 2018 21:09:39 GMT -5

"The sex is not coming back. The length of our relationship really only depends on my ability to put up with it. Unfortunately I am like a mule. I can carry a lot a lot of weight on my shoulders before breaking. But sooner or later a mule breaks too."

Post by choosinghappy on Jan 5, 2018 21:11:45 GMT -5

Welcome isolina and I hope sharing here is a help. I recommend starting your own thread in the Sexless Marriage Issues folder so we can get more details and support from a wider audience. One quick thought: You fear the negative impact a divorce would have on your kids. What if your marriage is worse for them? What if your kids are getting a bad example of what a marriage is and end up in a similar situation as you?

H you are right. Sometimes I say to myself that I need to be strong for the kids and endure this, but I also think that a mother that would just put up with anything to keep the family together is a bad example of resignation.

isolina : Along these lines, check out this thread that definitely spoke to me. I fear what I am teaching my son about relationships if I stay in this marriage.

Post by padgemi on Jan 9, 2018 7:58:33 GMT -5

Hi all. I just wanted to thank everyone that shares their experiences with a sm here. I was directed to this forum by a friend and have been reading all I can. Wish i could put into words my experiences as eloquently as many as you have.

Being made aware that this happens way more than I ever imagined, is a huge help and helps me think about the subject a little different.

Thank you again to all of you! Hopefully at some point I can put my experiences into words to possibly help others as you all are helping me. So many are so similar to my experience i guess I could just copy and paste 😊

Post by jo on Jan 11, 2018 2:53:17 GMT -5

My wife and I have been married 22 years, and I believe we've had sex only about 10 times. The last time was about 9 or 10 years ago, and before that was about 5 years. So, not much in the way of physical intimacy. Even my attempts to just cuddle are tolerated for about a minute before she shrugs me off. I masturbate frequently, but I feel starved of intimate physical contact.

Aside from this, she is wonderful in just about every way. We get along very well, we've supported each other, and been exceedingly strong partners in raising our son, who will be going off to college next year. We laugh together, we talk about our days, we make plans for the future.

And yet, the fact of the matter is that, in the absence of sex, I think compulsively about extramarital relations (not with anyone specifically, just imagining). I've even created dummy accounts on dating sites to see what's out there (just looking; never communicated with anyone, don't want to mess with other people's lives). And, of course, I've been researching my "condition" and have found my way to this ILIASM community. So, obviously, something needs to be addressed.

The thing is, I am not angry at her at all. I guess I do feel resentful at times, but more frequently I'm just so sad that I haven't been able to enjoy this type of relationship with the women I love more than anything in the world. And I don't think I ever will. And I guess I've got to figure out what to do about it.

frednsa: i saw something on the wedding night (in the 60's) should have ended it during the honeymoon. i was played so perfectly. she is so wonderful in almost every other way, so...still wondering...thinking frigidity is a real thing and untreatableAug 29, 2019 12:07:04 GMT -5