Tag: broke

I was looking at a large apartment to rent with my friends Adara and Callie, who I hadn’t seen since high school. We decided to move out to California together to go back to school, though I’m not sure what for. Continue reading “Dream Journal 8/30/16”

Ten years ago, if you would have asked me where I saw myself in ten years, I would have given you a detailed rundown of my 26-year-old self. Married, with my Master’s in Psychology, working as a counselor in a high school, living in a four bedroom house, with a big back yard, a desk and a pool, two kids, a dog or two… you get the idea. When I was in high school, I had dreams. I had ambitions. I had drive.

Not so much these days.

After I graduated high school, moved out of my mom’s house, and moved to Canada to go to a university with my then boyfriend, I realized that the world was a much different place than the one I had been taught about, and I was woefully unprepared. The world didn’t care about my dreams, or my struggles to achieve them. The world just didn’t care. It still doesn’t.

I left the university after just one year, several thousand dollars in debt, and unable to find work to pay it off. I had to move back to the US, and struggled to find work. After months of searching, and living on my friends’ couch because I could not afford my own place, I found a job at McDonald’s. My first job. I was 19 years old, working with kids still in high school, and I was miserable. Despite working 40 hours a week, my entire paycheck went towards my share of the rent and bills, and literally nothing else.

Cut to over 7 years later, and this is still the case. I’ve spent my entire adult life, moving from dead end job to dead end job, always making minimum wage, and always struggling to make ends meet. I’ve never been able to save up money, I’ve never been able to go back to school, and I’ve moved around so many times that I have no stable group of friends or support group.

The dream that I had for my future self died as soon as I graduated, and the world just kept kicking me when I was down, and made sure that I never made dreams for myself again. So here I am, wandering aimlessly through life, feeling like I am going nowhere fast. Wondering if my little family and I will ever catch a break, and get the chance to do something to better our future.

For the last several years, I’ve basically been living in a cave when it comes to modern technology. I am 26 years old, which means I fall into the age range commonly referred to as the “Millennials“, and we are supposed to be the generation of technology and social media. In fact, nearly everyone I know, who is around my age and younger, own the latest iPhones, iPads, the latest gaming consoles and devices, play all the latest games, etc. They’re also on every social media platform you can imagine, like Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, Tumblr, and all those other ones out there that I’ve probably never even heard of. Not me. Not even close.

Did I miss something here? Is 26 the new 40? When did all of this happen, and how did I miss it?

Up until around 2012, when I was 22 years old, I was pretty up-to-date on everything (good lord, I sound old). I had a Samsung Galaxy (yes, those were relevant then), a good gaming PC, and a profile on all of the major social media sites, a podcast, and a large group of friends, who I spent hours talking to on Skype, as well as in the various games that I played. Unfortunately, as some of you already know, 2012 is the year that the long-term relationship that I was in ended, and my life crumbled around me.

I lost my home, my computer, my phone, my internet access… basically everything that people need to function properly in first world countries these days.

First world problems, folks, I know.

I went without internet for two years. Two. Whole. Years.

During this time of living on my own, I was unable to pay for any sort of luxury, such as internet and phone, and spent the majority of my time working at my full-time retail job, and reading. I had absolutely no contact with any of my online friends, and my Facebook and Twitter profiles could only be accessed whenever I was able to get to Kyle’s parents’ house and use their internet (this was early in our relationship, when he was living in Wisconsin, and was only able to visit me every/every other weekend).

I wasn’t able to buy a new phone for a year and a half, and when I found one that I could afford, it was far from an iPhone or Samsung, and it was a month-to-month plan. I still had no internet at home, but was able to use Facebook and Twitter from my phone, as long as I had any sort of signal, or WiFi… which, honestly, wasn’t all that often.

In November of 2014, a month and a half before my son was born, we were finally financially stable enough to buy new phones, and get internet in our apartment, something we had kept putting off due to how often we moved around. I tried to get back into my old routine of social media, vlogging, blogging, and gaming, and reached out to the same friends that had been in my circle just a few years ago… but, unfortunately, it all fell apart. With the arrival of my son, and the overwhelming feeling that everyone had moved on from me, I retreated back into the life of being a hermit, and chose to focus on my newborn.

Everyone around me had moved on to bigger and better things, and left me behind, stuck in the Dark Ages.

By the way, do you know hard it is to dig yourself out of a hole, and get yourself back into the present, when you lack the finances to do so? I’ll be stuck with this 2 year old, knockoff Samsung phone, and this ancient, hand-me-down computer that can barely handle Flash games.

Once again, first world problems… I know.

Anyway. I feel like, at only 26 years old, I’m turning into one of those middle-aged moms who has no idea what the cool kids are doing these days, and tries to join in on social media, despite being completely irrelevant, and only posting things for my 14 followers. Ugh… but, hey, you should all totally follow me on Twitter and Instagram!

I’ll never catch up. I’m getting too old for all this. I guess the good news is, since I’m so disconnected from the online world, I’m more connected to real life than most? Maybe? No… probably not.

Why is it that the more money we spend on computers and phones, the faster they become obsolete? It is infuriating, especially since these days you need to have a smart phone, or a tablet, or convenient access to the internet in your possession to even function in society, but not everyone can afford to run out and get these things the second society demands that you have them.

Everything has a shelf life. Everything. Technology, specifically expensive items it seems, such as computers, phones, cameras, etc., seem to have shorter self lives than most. Why is it that the more money we spend on computers and phones, the faster they become obsolete? It is infuriating, especially since these days you need to have a smart phone, or a tablet, or convenient access to the internet in your possession to even function in society, but not everyone can afford to run out and get these things the second society demands that you have them.

Recently, I have been having some problems with my computer. Long story short, it isn’t really my computer. Well, kind of. I guess? It is a 7 year old hand-me-down that I got from a good friend, over 3 years ago, that he gifted to me when my ex threw me out, keeping my computer. Unfortunately, like most things technology, it has quickly become outdated. I have been having a hard time running more than one or two programs at once, even internet browsers, and forget playing any game that isn’t a Flash game, or has very low graphics requirements. The kicker? The drivers on it are so old, that they don’t even make updates for them anymore.

Yesterday, as an anniversary gift, Kyle bought me the game Stardew Valley, which he knew I have been crazy anxious to get my hands on. I quickly installed it, and played it for a majority of the night with no issue. It is unbelievably fun and addicting, which I will write about later on, hopefully! Unfortunately, when I woke up this morning, the game refused to launch, and keeps getting stuck on an “Preparing to launch Stardew Valley…” screen. This has sent me into a downward spiral of updates, forum searches, and failed installations.

Currently, I am installing Windows updates that I have put off for far too long, which I only have myself to blame for. After over an hour of downloading, I am finally installing update 15… out of 114. It has been an hour and 45 minutes total thus far, and since this process is pretty taxing on my computer’s system, I am unable to do much else. A friend of mine offered to send me one of his spare graphics cards, which would be a huge upgrade for me, but who knows how long that could take. I’m hoping that updating Windows helps, and I am able to play the game again.

It worked PERFECTLY last night, you guys. I’m so sad. Ugh.

Kyle get off work at 2:30 today, so hopefully we can get out of the house to take my mind off of this. First world problems, am I right? I really need a new computer, I know that, but they are so flippin’ expensive! Anyone have one they’d like to donate? Haha.