“Lost Girl” Recap (3.11): The Witches of Faewick

We open with a scream. Not the haunting inner scream of one’s id, crying out instinctively for love into the gaping abyss of one’s broken heart but finding only shrill echoes to comfort it against the hollow loneliness. Or, uh, something. No, more like blondes in the baby doll dresses walking alone into the woods kinds of screams. Or guys in leather masks with chainsaws kinds of screams. Or psychos behind shower curtains kinds of screams. Yes, it’s scary movie night and Bo and Kenzi are screaming advice in vain at the television. Like never pick up the phone because the call is always coming from the inside of the house. Always.

In between handfuls of popcorn, Bo and Kenz talk a little about The Break/Not Quite Up. Kenzi tells her the cold hard truth, she sucks at coupledom. But then she quickly follows it up with obligatory Team Doccubus encouragements. Soulmates for life, carpe Lauren. Bo says this whole break is just part of the big Bo and Lauren journey – OTPs 4 Lyfe. But not before she employs some classic BFF deflection and tries to talk about Kenzi’s dating life. But dating is tots not a thing anymore for the young peeps. Did I use tots and peeps right? Anyway, the real crisis is not one of lonely hearts but lack of juice. Because the house is out of batteries and as any single lady can tell you, that is a real-life personal tragedy. Or so I’ve heard.

Meanwhile, a babysitter in a house somewhere answers the phone on a dark night just like you shouldn’t in the movies and then has a vision of her charge’s pervy father dying. So naturally she calls Bo-Bo & The Kenziest Investigative Services to get to the bottom of what weirdness is afoot. She found an old flier from back in their Kenzi had blonde hair and Bo wore less black eyeliner days. Which begs the question, what do these two do for money now, exactly? Did I miss the bit about them winning the lotto? Just checking.

The babysitter needs their help figuring out the bizarre happenings in the gated community of Shady Grove. Kenzi’s not so sure because the ‘burbs are even more over than dating. But Bo thinks a visit to the land of desperate housewives may be just what the doctor ordered. Well, not that doctor. She wants space. Let’s just hope her prescription isn’t addictive.

Finally, all those hours of watching HGTV pay off as Bo and Kenzi go undercover as potential buyers in the gated community. An overly perky real estate agent (is there any other kind?) tries to impress them with the property (looks like cookie cutter new build to me – I told you I watched a lot of HGTV). Bo gives the agent a story about wanting to start fresh in a new place with her sister Kenzi because she’s on a break from Lauren-ce. Laurence? Really? I know you just want to fit in with the Joneses in suburbia, but there’s no need to go in the closet. It’s 2013 and even Supreme Court justices know there’s a difference between whole milk marriage and skim milk marriage. We’re here, we’re queer, we all deserve sympathy for our break ups. Right, sorry, it’s just a break.

Just then they spot the next-door neighbor skulking around outside and peering in the windows. So Bo and Kenzi naturally wave at him. Yes, by all means, offer cordial greetings to your potential stalker. Weren’t you just yelling at the idiots in horror movies for similarly idiotic moves? Speaking of idiotic moves, after the real estate agent cuts out abruptly saying she’s late for another meeting, our girls follow her. In broad daylight. And proceed to skulk around the outside of the house and peer in the windows. In broad daylight. Man, these two really are rusty with their detective skills.

They hear some screaming from inside so Bo busts in with a knife. But it turns out it’s just the real estate agent and two of her friends drinking margaritas and discussing their book club selection. And despite Bo and Kenzi barging in uninvited while brandishing weapons, they invite them to stay and have a drink. Luckily Kenzi is good at book club, which means she can make dirty jokes while sipping on cocktails. In that case I’m a genius at book club.

Aw, man. Really, aw, it’s that man again – “that man” being Dr. Taft the science dude who showed up on Lauren’s doorstep after she missed her award ceremony and then took her out for drinks. Aw, man. He has apparently been asking (and asking and asking) Lauren to come work for him. But she keeps saying no because she has a job and a necklace that binds her to that job.