Week 2 BC:

(c)Copyright ‘Secret Diary of a Really Bad Egg’ (Eggy’s Diary) November 2009. A.D.Fryer. Unauthorized use and duplication of this written material & front cover without the blogs author and/or owners written permission is strictly prohibited

Day 8 BC: ‘Before Conception’

Hi Moms. Its me….Eggy!

Got a few fans joined my blog thingy last week. Some nice potential Moms and even a Dads, but the problem is how do I work out which Moms is actually YOU?

Moms Genes Chest

Last nite I secretly opened your Genes Chest again; trying to build up a better picture of you. (Bit musty and dusty, but there is sort of a nice smell in there – must be you – very reassuring and familiar.) Found a file marked PMA – ‘Positive Mental Atitude’. Something you must have been thinking about from time to time. I have decided to adapt a few of them if that’s okay? Try and create an Eggy Strategy.

One day your eggy will get two ears and one mouth – show him how to use them in the proper ratio.

The best eggy may be right here inside you now. Don’t wait until next month.

If you can’t beat eggs, then join them.

So……The Eggy Strategy:

Step One: ‘ Make friends with all the other Egg Sisters’

Step Two: Listen, Smile and don’t Sing!

Step Three: May the Best Egg win!

ERGH!! That didn’t work.

Boring Egg Sisters

I know I don’t have many good features yet Moms BUT, these Egg Sisters are really, really boring! It took all my Eggy self control to stop me making snide ‘yokey jokes’ and rude gestures. (The latter would be okay when I get some hands.) All they can gossip about is their future prospects down in the Fallopian Tube (whatever that is) and how they will get fertilized from all the millions of Sperms (whoever they are) and then how they will grow up into beautiful little Fetus’s and pass their goodness on into the world. Yuk!

Where did you get these eggs from Moms; was it a ‘buy one, get eighteen free’ promotion? I am not sure I want to be the ‘Fertilized One, the Best Egg ever’ now; gone right off the idea. It could lead to all sorts of premature happenings and a life of absolute purgatory. Also from what they were saying; the odds on ‘running the gauntlet’ and finally making it down to Whoopee Land in one piece, are pretty remote.

Oh Sing Eggy, Sing! Don’t get down. Go with the flow!

“Look for an eggy lining….Don’t let the sisters in the ovary make you blue…. Somewhere outside….a Moms is smiling… and the whole world is waiting just for you.”

Day 9 BC:

Hi Moms. It’s me again…Eggy.

Hic!

You haven’t posted a comment on my blog yet? Are you celebrating or just upset about something? There is an overbearing taste of winery and other substances in your fluids at the moment. Maybe I should just complain to Nursery Housekeeping and get them to call in the Ovarian delousing squad? On second thoughts maybe not; don’t want to go around upsetting the ‘status- egg-quo’ yet again!

Day 10 BC:

A sudden inspection day Moms!

Brain Control

The very top brass Management from your ‘Brain Control’, sent down three very official looking hormones to your ovary today. They were wearing ‘F.S.H’ badges and held copies of our Official Egg Reports. They spoke in unison.“We are the Follicle Stimulating Hormones. We are here to inspect you and recruit the best Egg for fertilization. Please be still while we carry out our inspection.” Then they looked closely at all our follicles. (those fluid filled bubbles we all hang out in). One of the other Egg Sisters giggled; they passed her by. I felt another song coming on, but decided against it.

These guys are serious mission control dudes. When they reached me they had a very intense discussion and referred to my Report a lot; but they didn’t give anything away. Rowena bowed respectfully to them and politely showed them out when they had finished. She is so cool!

Lots of girly gossip in the Ovary afterwards. I kept myself to myself though; trying to keep my Eggy focus as Rowena suggested.

Day 11 BC:

Sad Rowena

Awoke to a sudden silence in Ovary Land this morning. No activity, very spooky. Then Rowena appeared; very unhappy. Her long filaments were a dull grey; as if she had been crying into her ectoplasm all night. I felt really guilty; so I sung a song to her, very softly.

After awhile she grew brighter and explained. It wasn’t my fault. It seems there was a mix-up in the Nursery Blue Prints last night and all the other Cells have ‘downed tools’ and stopped work. (equivalent to a Cell Strike I suppose. ) That Nursery Foreman, ‘Blackberry’; the spidery, colourless Cell with a real superior nature, was extremely busy trying to sort it all out. He mumbled a lot about Time Sheets and Organizational Skills. It seems that when Rowena was taken off ‘Assembly Line’ duties in order to do my ‘One to One Counselling’, there was a wrong ‘Hormone Application’ and now there is chaos in Ovary-Ville!

Your hormones have been running riot, over-stimulating everyone and all the Eggs have gone hyper; sent spinning in their Follicles! I quite enjoyed the experience myself. I kept myself to myself though as I don’t understand all this stuff. I hope Rowena and I can still be friends though; she seems to understand me better than anyone else in here.

Day 12 BC:

A ‘nothing’ day today Moms.

Rowena and the other Cells have been sent on an ‘Away Day’ to your other Ovary. It’s one of those Management inspired training exercises where everyone pretends to be nice to each other, but secretly hates each others guts. (If they have any) So bloody ‘Corporate’ even in here. Do you still have a headache or was it tummy ache?

Test tube Eggy

Heard that Egg Management and you Moms, have been investigating some secret treatment called IVF? It seems they take some of us eggs out, fertilize us in a ‘laboratory’ and then put us back in to grow inside you! (What’s a laboratory?) Does this make the Dads redundant? But, it does mean we might get to meet each other earlier and have a chat; that would be great eh?

The other Egg Sisters are still ignoring me so I thought I’d better find something to do. I thought maybe there was a map or blue prints or some planning bits in here to help out. Be rather wet and soggy in all your fluid stuff though. I must say (if I could)that I have lost some confidence in their organized mayhem. Really, they don’t seem to communicate with each other much or have meetings with progress reports thingy’s. Some sort of chemical telepathy I suppose. It’s all very scary. I wonder if they have a budget for the job? Hate to be a half finished Eggy because they ran out of ‘bits’.

Rowena said they don’t have things like economic recessions here in your body Moms. (What’s an economic recession?) I didn’t want to look stupid in front of Rowena, so I just gave a yokey nod. I get depressed thinking about it all. Am I turning into a neurotic egg?

Maybe I should just bow to authority and write a letter of apology to your Nursery Egg Management? “Dear Egg Heads…..” On second thoughts, why bother.

I did try to strike up a yokey conversation with the Egg Sister in the follicle next to me, but she wasn’t having it. She gave me a right ‘Ovum Snub’. It looks like I am really just a Bad Egg after all. Oh well…so I sang a new song I remembered; quietly to myself of course.

Depressed Eggy

“I’m a really really bad egg….lying here in my follicle bed…wishing I was dead…oh,ohh…oh, ohh…no one would ever miss such a bad egg…..when they don’t even know he’s dead…oh, ohh, oh…ohhh”

Day 13 BC:

Gosh 13th day today Moms. Will it be lucky for us?

Rowena came today; nice to see her again. I think I sort of missed her. It gets kinda lonely in here. She didn’t say anything about the ‘Away Day’ and what happened, so I didn’t ask. I have to admit that I have noticed a change in me since I met her. Taken off some of those sharp edges and made me a little more ‘rounded’. I told her that I was thinking of writing a letter of apology to your ‘Egg Management’. She said don’t bother; they always get a bit ratty at this time of the month.

Gene thingy

She did explain more about your Genes things though. Your chromosome cell things are loaded with these Genes’ building instructions like a blueprint. Cool eh? They carry a set of hereditary instructions to make me human, rather than a fish or a tree. It seems it takes twenty to twenty five thousand genes to make a human baby; which is roughly the same as it takes to make a chicken. Ha ha! (What’s a chicken?)

Then she told me to take a few days rest, chill out; write some new songs but don’tsing them. She smiled sweetly and then said she had a present for me. As she left she quietly slipped me a larger than ever dose of that lovely Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FHS’s) to help me grow and ripen more quickly! Somehow she managed to acquire more supplies from those ‘FSH Officers’ on the ‘Away Day’ at your other Ovary. Wow! What a great Counsellor she is.

Chicken Eggy

Who am I to argue? Stimulated by this I thought of a really great song. I hummed it over in my yoke so as not to upset anyone. “She believes in Eggy….where are you from…you sexy eggy thing!..”

Day 14 BC:

Half way there Moms! Are you sure we can get ‘this deed’ done in the 28 days? Not a lot happening so far.

Oh well…..Resting and Growing Moms.

Rock n' Roll Eggy

You still got a tummy ache? Hope I’m not the cause. I carried out a new experiment today. I have lined the walls of my Follicle Sac with some of those extra FSH hormone things that Rowena gave me yesterday. It makes a great sound proof room. My first Eggy recording studio! Just got to keep those sound decibels down below audible egg level though.

(c)Copyright ‘Secret Diary of a Really Bad Egg’ (Eggy’s Diary) November 2009. A.D.Fryer. Unauthorized use and duplication of this written material & front cover without the blogs author and/or owners written permission is strictly prohibited.

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The numbers listed below refer to the entries (e.g.,#1 is Front Cover)