The Hottest Burger You'll Ever Eat

True, I have not taken the "Stupid Wings Challenge" at Caliente in Richmond or the "Hellfire Challenge" at Smoke Eaters in San Jose, where Adam Richman of the show Man vs. Food gorged platters of abusively hot chicken wings and kept them down. But then, I like to savor my food, even if it is laced with chili peppers.

I'm not a thrill eater and I seek no macho points for just swallowing holy hell. If it's nothing but hot, one bite and I'm done. But if the heat pushes the other ingredients to another level of flavor, I'll try to eat the whole thing, and the Firecracker Burger served at the SkyBox Sports Bar and Grill at the new Aria Resort in Las Vegas is definitely, positively, absolutely the hottest thing I've ever bitten into.

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It's an eight-ounce patty of very good beef, blended with India's Bhut Jolokia chili peppers, pepper jack cheese, and chipotle salsa. In 2007, the Guinness World Records certified the Bhut Jolokia as the world's hottest — four hundred times hotter than Tabasco sauce. The SkyBox menu reads, "Approach with caution and if you finish the burger, a glass of draught is on us."

I didn't care about the beer. I just wondered if the burger would be any good. The thing smelled great, looked good. I took a bite. Immediately, not slowly, the heat hit every part of my palate, searing it and causing my eyebrows to arch. But when it went down my throat, the heat gave way to rich meaty, cheesy flavors. I took a slug of Fat Tire, and pushed on.

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Two bites in, I was sweating. This was a unique sensation, blasting, unforgiving heat, like a Hindu devil god taking possession of my body (even if chilis originally came from America). Three bites and I was halfway through, stuffing in French fries, sipping ice water now. And though I felt gastrointestinally fine, I couldn't take any more of the heat.

The waiter brought over yogurt, which he said works best to tamp down the fire, which it kind of did.