“Glee” Episode 214 recap: Bye, Bi Blaine

It’s not that I didn’t enjoy anything about “Blame it on the Alcohol” — I actually did. Coach Beiste alone could have sold me on this show, and she wasn’t alone; there was also Brittany dancing her extremely fine behind off – and doing the splits! – as well as Santana doing body shots off her also-very-fine abs.

And it’s not even that the bi-curious Blaine storyline was the most horrible thing in the episode – no, that honor goes to Rachel’s truly terrible, nightmarish, ghastly, frighteningly ugly green party dress.

But you’ve gotta admit, Rachel’s dress set the bar very, very low. And the Blaine and Rachel kiss thing still just barely crawled over it.

“Blame it on the Alcohol” is based on the extremely radical concept that some teens drink alcoholic beverages to excess. I went to an all-girls Catholic school, and we had more students show up under the influence on a daily basis than McKinley High, so I’m not sure what’s got Mr. Figgins’ boxers in a bunch about it, but bunched they were. He called Will into his office to ask him to have the Glee Club come up with a song for “Alcohol Awareness Week,” to help educate teens about the dangers of “giggle juice,” AKA “the wet devil.”

He blames this trend on new alcoholic beverages marketed at children, and also songs glorifying binge drinking such as those performed by “Ke, dollar sign, ha,” probably the most awesome thing Figgins has ever said.

Will agrees to get the New Directions kids behind the event. Then he tries to set things right between him and Emma, by giving her a housewarming gift for her and Carl. They catch up a little bit, and Will says he’s not dating anyone. Emma says he should be, and Sue breaks in, suggesting Will needs to join Alcoholics Anonymous because he’s clearly a “future alcoholic,” a continuing theme of the whole episode that never quite gels.

Emma grills Sue on how she came to be coaching New Directions’ competition, Aural Intensity, and she said that “the chipper homosexual” who used to coach them had a terrible fall down the stairs – which we see in flashback was caused by Sue herself giving him not one, but two, mighty shoves, resulting in a brain-swell injury from which he may, or may not, recover..

I’m assuming for the sake of not throwing something at the TV that she’s lying to them. My “cartoon violence” vs. “real violence” analysis can only go so far.

Turns out he wants to use her house for a Glee Club party, because her dads are out of town – on the Rosie O’Donnell cruise, which does beg the question: Why would they go on that without Rachel? Anyway, she shoots him down, saying that her dads trust her.

Now look, I’ve recapped for you through thick and thin, but I cannot recap the song about her headband Rachel sings to Finn. I just can’t.

When it’s over, she realizes she can’t write a song because she hasn’t lived, and flounces off to tell Puck she’s changed her mind about the party.

Then we get one of those awesome split-screen phone calls, where everyone decides whether or not they’re going to the party. Brittany and Santana are together (yay!) and Mercedes is pushing Artie. Santana says she’ll only go if there’s alcohol, because she couldn’t stand a Rachel Berry party sober.