My name is Ballad Experiment! I am a boy! I seven and three-quarters years old!

I have blonde hair and brown eyes. I like leotards, little dogs, and muffins. My signature scent is Ralph Lauren's "Romance," because the ginger and oakmoss undertones compliment the rose topnote. And the supermarket's blush compacts give me hives. Ew!

My favorite things to do ever are bake cookies, listen to music, and pee sitting down. I do not like asparagus!!!!

When I come home from school, The first thing I do is change into my favorite clothes. I have a blue skirt and a pink shirt. I put on blue Mary Jane shoes. I don't know who Mary Jane is, but I promise these shoes are mine now. My mommy bought me Mary Jane's shoes when I asked and I said please. ALWAYS SAY PLEASE, OKAY? You can have shoes!

I! Like! To! DANCE!!!

It is my FAVORITE!!!!

My family has a radio on in the living room, and that is when I dance. I am a GOOD DANCER. I want to dance forever. My favorite songs are about booty.

My mommy paints while I dance, and before I dance and after. Mommy paints a lot, but not always.

Mommy began painting more after She met Daddy's new friend.

She came home one day and Daddy had a friend over. He was in his underwears. Mommy got MAD. Daddy is not supposed to show underwears to anyone but Mommy. It is a rule married people have!

Mommy beat up Daddy's friend. She punched her with her hand. She punched her eigtheen times. I can count to eighteen!

After she got beat up, Daddy's new friend didn't come over anymore. It makes me sad, because I would like to know where she got that skirt. Sassy and flirty! Spring into SPRING!

After Mommy beat up Daddy's friend, she made Daddy go away forever. Or at least it is forever so far. Too bad, becauce Daddy made the money.

I am sad and miss Daddy, but not a lot. He did not let me wear the eyeshadow.

My eyeshadow is "Blooming Dusk-kissed Magnolia." It has shimmers. SHIMMERS. Only people who hate the whole world do not like it. Daddies and football coaches.

This was all very exciting! And I know not just for me, because it made my big sister Aria poop out a baby. He is a boy, like me! I am an AUNTIE! I like to kiss the baby and leave my lipstick marks. Mwah.

I waited for more babies, but I guess they only come out when Aria gets fat. That is just a guess, though, because Aria promised Mom she didn't know HOW the baby got there! They had a long, loud talk about it. They threw dishes.

I am going to ask Aria why the baby came out NOW. Why not yesterday? Babies are mysterious.

I think maybe the baby isn't really Aria's at all, though, because sometimes when Mom is busy she calls Mr. Kennedy and tells him to come see his baby. Mr. Kennedy pretends to be from Sri Lanka and talks like an alien until Aria cries and puts the phone in the dishwasher.

What a bad friend. I don't think we should give him back his baby at ALL.

Aria decided the baby needed a name, so she is going to call him Millionaire Sexy. Mom fell down on the kitchen floor, but I think it's the BEST NAME on EARTH! It tells you exactly what he is going to be, so he never has to wonder. It will make his life easy! Lucky baby!

I like to hug and kiss Millionaire Sexy, and I sing him songs about booty. But I think Aria is bored with him. She just likes to look at the boys who come in the house to buy Mom's paintings. She's so boring. Those boys wear the boringest clothes in the whole COUNTRY. They do not sparkle at ALL.

Allegra is my other sister. While Mom paints, Allegra sells the paintings. She is a good seller! Allegra makes sure we get to eat EVERY DAY, sometimes twice!

I love Allegra very much. She is NO-NONSENSE. She is quiet and serious and automatically hates you. Fun! But sometimes I want to dress her. She is an autumn, but walks around dressed like a spring. It is a TRAGEDY OF NATURE. When I ask to do her face up, she puts me in the toilet. I don't ask anymore.

It is okay, though. She works very hard. And she gives me all the pretty panty sets Grand'ma sends her for Christmas. I will wear them when I'm a BIG boy. I am pretty sure she is okay with me. YAY!

She is not okay with Aria, though. She calls Aria a lot of things, and not one of those things is "Aria." She asks Aria questions. The questions are about Aria's vagina, and Allegra calls Aria's vagina many different things, and not one of those things is "vagina." Aria pretends not to hear, but they are usually three feet away from each other and Allegra is yelling, so I think she must. Maybe Aria's vagina goes places and does things when Aria is not looking? Aria seems to think so.

I am glad I do not have a vagina. They sound crafty. And Aria says Allegra has a hedgehog in hers. Yuck.

I love my family very much, Mrs. Weiner, even when they fight. My family is very special. I know everyone says their family is special, but I know mine is, because every time I write you an essay, you want to talk to them in the principal's office. Are you talking about me? I hope it is good things.

Thank you for reading my essay. I hope I get an A!

-- Mr. Princess Mermaid Ballad Worthington Experiment.

PS: Who does your nails?

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(Hey, guys! If you like this ridiculous travesty, make sure to check out my actual comic, Templar, Arizona!)

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