Had a bit of a set back with the fibromyalgia lately. Pain killers aren’t working, and I’ve tried to just carry on. This back fired and left me totally exhausted. But…I’ve been really careful with what I’ve been eating. I can really feel the difference in my body. I’m really not sure that the difference really shows yet, but I am really aware of my changing shape.

Had a huge clear out of the garage last week. Put the hot tub in there instead of broken furniture. I put curtains up for privacy, but I think I’ve just managed to create what looks like a seedy sex club lol. I’m falling asleep. Have to write something more interesting later.

I’ve taken the decision to sign up to juice plus, (rather than make any attempt to get the boiler fixed; it’s not worth the heartache) so I will do some body measurements tomorrow. I have to do a 2 week detox before their plan starts. I’ve made an attempt to start that today.

I’m trying a different pain killer for the fibro. Time will tell if it works.

My waist has reappeared. I can feel such a difference in my body.

I had a serious wake up call from my boyfriend the other day. The conversation went something like this:

Me: I want you to look at me and think phwar, that’s my woman. I want to get texts that say that I looked sexy when you last saw me

BF: Only you can decide what you want to look like…What I don’t want is the person you are when you’re unhappy with yourself… I’m not going to blow smoke up your arse to make you feel better about yourself. You’re not happy about the way you look, then do something about it and stop making it about what I think all the damn time.

He is so right. He is also the only person brave enough to say it to me; which is why I love him so much!

This blog is turning into a right whinge. Or perhaps I’ll just use it as a cathartic release from the lies of every day life. I’ve told a few whoppers this week.

I stopped taking the amitriptyline because of weight gain. I don’t want to be fat because I want to be wanted. Not taking the meds has let me lose 8lbs this week – but I can hardly move.

I bunked off work yesterday and today. Was in a horrible mood all day because I thought they’d cancelled my contract. Which they would be so in their rights to do. I got really frightened I wouldn’t be able to feed the kids. Turned out that I can’t read. They actually asked me if I wanted to cancel. Which I don’t. I just am in so much flipping pain I can’t work full time. I’ve blamed having time off on my daughter being ill. She has been. She has been off school. But did I really have to stay home to look after her? No. She’s almost 16.

I’ve been a horrible person to be around. Really, really horrible. I’ve been grumpy with my daughter and selfish and argumentative with my bf.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried so hard to get back to work after having what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown. But I think I’ve only managed to work everyday in a week once since November. I’ve found other reasons for needing to be off for a day or two.

I can get through the day, but the exhaustion that follows the next day is horrendous. It hurts so much when I wake up in the mornings. Like having the flu. My head will tell me that if I get up, it will help me feel better, but the effort that it takes to get out of bed is over whelming.

I gave in and spoke to the Dr again, who suggested that he sign me off work. There is no sick pay, so I’ve applied for ESA. I hate myself for it. It’s not that I don’t want to work. I really do. I just can’t work 5 days. I haven’t told anybody I work for what is wrong with me. Even my own family think I’m making it up. I sincerely wish I was.

I’ve got £142 in my bank account. No overdraft facility. No savings. I’m in debt up to my eyebrows. Stuck with a house I can’t afford. I was seriously worried that I’d have no work at all.

My daughter came to me yesterday with emails about the school trips she needs to go on. £80 for this, £31 for that. It costs £90 a month just to get her to school by bus. My idiot ex will only pay me £7 a week in child maintenance, even though he’s taken it to appeal and then to tribunal and has been told he has to pay me £140 a month plus arrears. He currently owes me £3k in arreas.

I’m fed up. I’m going to sell some stuff on ebay or gumtree tomorrow to pay for the trips. I’ve offered the plumber my body to pay for the boiler to be fixed. It cost me a quick BJ last time. I need a new kitchen tap as well now. I’m going to have to do a bit more. Can’t believe it has come to this again.

So now the Dr has banned me from running, I have to find another way to lose weight.

I can’t keep forcing my boyfriend to f*** me. I do feel like I’m forcing him. Poor bloke. I’m almost 2 stone heavier now than I was when I met him. Back then we were all about sex. He made it clear he didn’t want a relationship with me. I was only for sex.

2 years on and he is in love with me – and I’m so fat that he finds it hard to want me. He’s not revolted by me. He never says anything about my weight. Is never cruel. Never teases me about it. But there IS a tell tale sign that he doesn’t find me attractive like he used to!

We still have sex. OMG we had amazing sex this morning. But I literally had to beg for it. He works nights. We never get to spend nights together. Makes life very difficult with work. I actually took the day off today so that we could spend it in bed. It was so worth it. (I only get paid for days where I work – no sick days – not conning anyone into paying me). I find myself on my own every night watching porn and pleasing myself. I remember the days when that was the other way round.

I want him to look at me and think – phwar, that’s my woman.

So…what can I do about it? I’ve a friend on Facebook talking about juice plus, another on weight watchers, several on slimming world. I just don’t know where to start. Advice please.

So, I rang the doctor about my medication and weight gain. The receptionist said he would phone me back the following day, which he did, but he woke me up. This meant that I was completely unable to string a sentence together. Do other people have that problem with Fibromyalgia?

I can’t think clearly at all sometimes. Or I can think, but the connection between my brain and my mouth is disrupted and what comes out of my mouth is a slow, slurred, muddled mess. It doesn’t happen all the time, but if I’m woken from sleep like that there is no point trying to talk to me for at least 20 minutes.

Anyway. I managed to say that I had put on a stone and a half over 4 months whilst taking the Amiltriptyline. The Dr said that this wasn’t possible as weight gain wasn’t a side effect of the medication. I was so befuddled that I couldn’t put together a sentence that made much sense, so trying to reason with him was impossible.

I am going to give him a copy of the leaflet from the packet, with the bit that says it causes weight gain clearly highlighted, along with a letter outlining my concerns about my weight.

He ended up saying that he couldn’t help me, that I should continue to take the meds and to stop trying to run and that I should try swimming instead. (That’s all fine in theory – but there is no way on earth I am getting half naked in public!)

On another note, I’ve lost another pound in the last few days – so that’s 8lbs lost in a week and a bit since I stopped taking the Amiltriptyline. Not bad for someone with an underactive thyroid. 🙂

But I haven’t managed to get to work since Tuesday. Sleep patterns are all over the place and the pain is awul.

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at around Christmas time. I was put on 30mg of Amitriptyline which helped loads to start with, but caused me to put on a stone and a half in 3 months and has recently stopped working…or at least I thought it had.

I stopped taking the Amitriptyline last week. I’ve lost 7lbs since. Not bad. But…I’m not sleeping properly again and the pain is unreal.

I didn’t go to work today. I tried…to get out of bed…and failed. The pain in my limbs is unbearable. It’s like having full blown flu without the head cold bit. Every inch of my body hurts. My family and my lodger don’t believe there is anything wrong with me. They think it’s all in my head. But even if it was, I still hurts. I’m not exaggerating. It hurts. All the time. Everywhere.

Didn’t get out for a run or even a walk last night. I know that exercise helps the pain in the short term. But recovery times seem endless.

After the initial high of my first run – day 2. For whatever reason, I decided to completely rearrange all the furniture in the lounge first. This was probably as strenuous as a run itself. But I found myself twitching and wanting to run! That’s a first. I don’t know if it was because the furniture was making me feel a bit claustrophobic or what, but I had to get out of the house.

My legs were still burning from the day before. Every step of my walk/run was painful. I took the dog with me, but he just wanted to run… and run… and run! I let him off the lead across the park – he decided that I was too slow and bolted home. I live next to the park, so it’s not like he was running wild down streets and roads. He ran home and sat on the door step waiting for me. Could’t decide if that was a good thing or not, cheeky boy!

When I got in, I could hardly move. I timed myself this time. Normally I would walk that route slowly with the dog. It would take about an hour, give or take. This time it took 26 minutes. I’ll use this as a baseline.

I don’t understand how people manage to run for more than a couple of minutes at a time. It hurts. It really hurts. It hurts my thighs – (walking up the 2 flights of stairs at work today nearly killed me). It hurts my shins. It hurts my chest. I feel like I’m going to puke. It hurts my side when I get a stitch. Why do people do this? Tell me its going to get easier – please!?!