Disclaimer: No, this story has nothing to do with why I haven’t posted in a bit. We’ll get to that another day.

Disclaimer2 before anyone freaks out, this happened about two years ago, & is being posted because of the following:

heroineaddct: Saw girl @ spin & thght “she looks like a kid I used to coach… Older sister?” hlfwy thru class it was b’cz the kid had grwn up #effI’mOldMrWhyt: @heroineaddct next you’ll be telling people to get off your lawnheroineaddct: @mrwhyt: don’t have to – zoey scares them away. MrWhyt: @heroineaddct big mean vicious Zoey?MrWhyt: @heroineaddct And Ernie will be her second?heroineaddct: @mrwhyt: her bark Is way worse than her snuggle.heroineaddct: Tru fax: my dog once scared a SWAT team. MrWhyt: @heroineaddct RE: SWAT Team. Explain! no there is not enough characters, Sum Up!heroineaddct: @mrwhyt: methinks a blog entry tomorrow will suffice.MrWhyt: @heroineaddct I look forward to it
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That happened Tuesday, & I’m posting on Thursday, but in terms of California punctuality, two days later is actually considered right on time, so I’m still good to go.

Now, as long time readers might be able to tell by some of her pictures, my dog Zoey is the biggest mooch o’ wub that can be encased in the body of a 55-lb Weimeraner. It’s possible that because she is a runt for her breed, the loveableness of a normal 90-lb female has just become so concentrated in the smaller physical body that its power is ridiculously overwhelming, and many a heart has been melted by the Zo-monster.

Her bark, however… now that is full grown, and when it comes to guarding the house… oh no no, my friends. She will verbally intimidate from behind my white linen curtains like a pack of rabid mongrels. Zoey at the front window has literally been known to cause grown men to wet their pants & run away.why yes, it’s possible that I used that particular phraseology because neighbor of mine watched that actually happen one day.

Example: here in LA, we have flyers in the door all the time. New restaurants, gym coupons, clubs opening, super-cheap auto insurance – you name it, & if they can get into your building, the flyer guys will leave it on your doorknob.

Well, ever since Zoey & I moved from the studio apt in the back to the apartment at the front of 1049, the entire building gets way less flyers. This was best illustrated when I came home one day to a visual storyline – flyer on the gate, flyer on first apartment, then a circle of flyers in front of my doorstep as though someone had been startled & thrown a bunch of papers in the air & run away, and then no flyers on anyone else’s doorstep… it would seem my dog had spent her day hard at work.

So where, you may ask, is the SWAT team?

A few years ago, we had this neighbor, Thomas. Now, Thomas was a nice enough guy, but just kinda.. ya know, a stoner southern boy bumming around LA who was cute enough to get by & get into parties & get on gettin’ along. He was also a little too trusting of others. Definitely a younger soul, our Thomas.

For those that were there the night it happened, Thomas is the neighbor that Polgara dubbed The Half-Naked Southern Guy that Brought Us Money due to him showing up during a poker game at my house to borrow an iron for the shirt he had not yet put on and then returning with a pile of Monopoly money because he was affronted that we weren’t playing for an actual prize of some sort. Because yes, my building is like that sometimes.

Anyway, Thomas had this girlfriend who it turned out was… less than truthful about certain aspects of her life. Little things, like.. the fact that she was a wanted identity theft felon. whoopsie!

So none of us know this (including Thomas) and one day my neighbor Beth arrives home to find an LA Sheriffs’ Dept SWAT team in front of my apartment, getting ready to break into Thomas’ apartment in an attempt to apprehend his girlfriend, the wanted felon.

Now these gentlemen were not joking around – they had on the full body armor & the helmets & the handheld battering ram for the door & everything. The whole shebang.

Beth, who occasionally supplements her income through the private brokering of hemp-based materials, saw a gaggle of cops & cautiously inquired as to their purpose. They immediately started asking things like did she know if Thomas & his girlfriend were home, had they displayed any unusual behavior lately, was she aware if they were armed or if there were any firearms in their apartment.

Once Beth explained that while we all liked Thomas, we were doubtful as to his ability to manage the barbecue on the patio, much less work an extensive identity theft ring, they directed her to go up to her apartment & stay there while they did… what it is they do.

Happy to oblige (and no doubt also thinking to put some aromatic distance between herself & the police due to certain extracirrcular activities) Beth started to walk around them on the side of the walkway closest to my window, which since it has bars, I tend to leave open without a screen over it when I’m not home.

Which brings us to the other awesome discovery of the day (aside from Thomas’ girlfriend). It would seem that when the guys came into the front gate, Zoey has viciously expounded on her opinion of having her daily nap interrupted by an inconveniently-timed SWAT team, and the cops were scared sh*tless of her.

Beth laughed & was like, “Zoey? You’re in body armor & you’re scared of Zoey? Zoey’s a smoodgie, aren’t you? aren’t yooooou?” and of course, Zoey never one to eschew perfectly good comedic timing, had come to the window & was smooshing her nose all over Beth through the bars because my dog would let hell freeze over before missing a scritch behind the ears.

The SWAT team, after turning down the offer to pet Zoey & make friends, sent Beth up to her apartment where she & our other neighbor F smoked cigarettes, watched them break into Thomas’ apartment & find it was all for nothing because no one was home anyway, and life at 1049 went on.

Zoey, in the meantime, unwillingly acquired a new younger brother last February, & discovered that while she didn’t like sharing Mommy, Ernie has turned out to be a kindred soul in acoustic security. Thus the two of them have teamed up to be the Fiercest Sound Ever right up until you let them out the front door & they come over to demand you adore them accordingly.

And when they’re not hard at work? They’re getting ready for the next performance.