Craig Kenneth: 00:24 Today we're gonna. Be talking about your ex never stops thinking about you. Okay, so this is a question that comes up all the time. Absolutely. And it's one of everybody's biggest fears. Yes. Will my ex forget about me if I go no contact. Will they forget about me? Will they move on? Are they done well? I never hear from them again. It's scary. And how long do I have before all of this happens? Absolutely. Yeah, that's a good question right there, Margaret, that everybody's wondering how long do I have? Can I really keep this up for four months, five months, six months going to telling me no contact and, and, and I don't know if they'll forget me in a month or two months or what am I going to do? And you and I have had a lot of talks about this, but the bottom line is if you love somebody or you ever loved them where you were ever attached to them, you never forget about that.

Craig Kenneth: 01:26 And even though you know they might be tucked away as a pleasant memory, but you don't ever forget about them. If you love somebody and shared lots of stuff with them. No, they never gone. Absolutely. And it's really, really important for you guys to understand that. I mean, if you really took a moment and close your eyes, you could imagine your ex's voice, right? Like if I sit here right now and just think about my ex with the applebee's and then I talk about, I could hear her voice. Sure. Almost immediately I could call it pro voice in. Imagine what she might say to me. How would she might ask me, you know, all kinds of things because I knew her personality, the, the, one of the girls that I broke up that was like about briefly in the other video, I could hear her voice.

Craig Kenneth: 02:14 And it's been seven years. Right? You know, I can think of a girl that I dated 15 years ago right now and hear her voice like, like it comes up to me. No problem. You don't forget people that you were attached to. It's just not the way we're wired. No, it's not. Okay. So take comfort in knowing that even if you have not talked to your ex in months, they haven't stopped thinking about you. It could be a shirt that, that you gave them and they put it on and they think about, you think about your race or a TV show comes on that you still watch together or they drive by a place you used to go together. Something that you liked comes up. Uh, and they see it like there's a movie that, oh, he used to like movies like that, and they think about you or they be shopping.

Craig Kenneth: 03:02 And she said, well, she'd really like that. Or He'd really like that. You don't forget about people that you love. It just doesn't happen, right? Yes. Even in the movie, 51st dates, which crazy enough. Margaret, I didn't tell you this, but I had somebody that I've worked with recently that was dating somebody with the same thing with the same illness. Where you kept forgetting people. Yeah. Do you ever see the old movie? There's a movie called 51st dates came out years ago with Adam Sandler where drew barrymore. She kept forgetting things at the end of the date, so by the end of like the 50th day, every date was like at first date for her. Only day she remembered him or she started to remember him, but I actually literally did a skype with somebody recently who was dating somebody going through that. So he didn't remember at the end of the day, no, she didn't remember it, but the ironic thing is she, and there's.

Craig Kenneth: 03:58 We talked about trauma and another video. She would remember him, but she would forget things that her family did incentive. So there was something about the bond with him that she remembered him. She wouldn't forget him, but she would forget or anything. Her parents and things like that. And I think that there was a lot of trauma going on with that. He was kind of a lifeline then. Yes. But I can't get into that situation is very specific. But the point is this, even somebody that had a major trauma to their brain and whatever the medical condition is, I can't remember off the top of my head. They still remembered somebody and when they're having severe issues like that. So No, you've loved somebody that's about the most powerful bond there is. Absolutely. So your ex never stops thinking about you. They just don't, they, they may not think that they could work it out with you.

Craig Kenneth: 05:00 There's no guarantees for that, but it's not going to be because they've stopped thinking about you were forgotten them up, put you out of their mind. Absolutely. No, you filed somewhere at least. Uh, I think I brought up recently that I had a guy have an ex comeback from four years ago and he's now dating her again. Yeah, right. He never thought she was going to come back now he wasn't waiting all that time. In fact, we were working together and talking about a different breakup, but the acs from four years ago has come back into his life. She wants to work it out. She's trying hard to get them back. So in today's video I'm going to talk about an email that I got from somebody recently that was shocked to hear from an ex and Margaret is also going to talk a little bit about our ability as human beings to remember people that we love and what that means and why it happens.

Craig Kenneth: 05:53 Right. There's a term for it that we call holding the right. Okay, so we're going to talk about that, but let me start with the email here. This is a good one. They said, hey coach, long time. No talk. Anyways, this is a success email one. I never thought I'd write in a million years. Hello. Well, just to recap, my ex and I broke up during the summer and I did everything wrong. Long written letter, grand gesture, blowing up her phone, you name it. I did it on top of that. We were in a long distance relationship for the final year of our three year relationship. I was a wreck and could honestly say that that was the one lowest point of my life. I lost almost 15 pounds. Student night eating, slept almost two to three hours a night and with literally pace around the apartment just to calm myself down.

Craig Kenneth: 06:57 It was a few days later when I stumbled upon your videos and I can honestly say that your videos where the beacon during my darkest days, how nice. I immediately signed up for your email coaching and it helped me out so much. I actually still look at it whenever I have self doubts about myself and my situation, how wonderful I learned how to work on myself and I can honestly say that I'm a better version since the breakup. I've lost a ton of weight. I've been on the Dean's list twice. I've read self improvement books and strengthened my relationships with friends and family. I accepted the breakup and used it as my fuel to not only be the best version of me, but to also move on with my life right there for him. Fast forward to eight months later, guess who shoots me a text out of the blue? Yep. My ex and boy, were you right when you said that they would reach out when you least expect it? I had to take a double take to make sure that my mind wasn't playing with me. She said that she's been thinking of me lately and to give me a call whenever I was free. Of course I didn't respond right away. I made her wait hours until I called her one hour for each month that she made me wait, lol.

Craig Kenneth: 08:37 Oh, that's funny. We talked for about two and a half hours. It was so good to hear her voice and I could tell that she was smiling on the other end. We basically caught up and picked up where we left off like nothing happened. I made her laugh with my corny jokes effortlessly and what did I just say? It wasn't so effortless when I said it and I could tell she missed me when I asked her what she has been thinking of. She said me and that she's never stopped thinking about me. Next time you wonder, remember this eight months, eight months, never stop thinking about me. She said that she wanted to reach out sooner, but she wanted to work on herself as well before she wanted to break no contact. She said that she forgave me for my shortcomings and said that she could have done more to help.

Craig Kenneth: 09:44 After realizing that she did a lot of things that factored into our relationship ending to grownups, how wonderful they did. They both did tremendous amount of work and I told her that it takes to and that I apologize for my behavior as well, which was due to my anxious attachment style. She said if I learned from mistakes, almost hinting like she wanted to give us a second chance. I said, I literally have pages of everything I learned, which of course came from your video. How Nice. We ended the conversation and have been texting back and forth. Since I'm doing my best to give her space so I don't mess up, smothering her and scaring her off, I played in. I plan on arranging a meet up with her soon, but I don't want to get my hopes up too high. Like you said, women's feelings changed like the clouds in the sky.

Craig Kenneth: 10:47 Either way, I know deep down I'll be fine if it works out or not, and that's the stance who need to take and that's because you taught me a lot. I'll be graduating from college in less than seven months, which means making big bucks and most importantly, I have the knowledge and confidence to move forward. I know my worth and if my ex fails to see that, that's okay. I can't thank you enough for all your videos, which I've religiously watch every day for anyone that is doubting themselves and their situation. Keep watching the videos. Work on yourselves and always keep a positive attitude. Take it from a guy who made every mistake in the book who was in a long distance relationship with his ex and said they would never talk again. It's funny where life takes you. Just remember to keep laughing and smiling through all the bs coach Craig.

Craig Kenneth: 11:49 I know the superbowl just ended, but you are the True Mvp, Aka most valuable psychotherapist. I look forward to more videos soon wishing you nothing but peace, love, and success from Brian. Well, blessed Brian. That's an amazing story, isn't it? Is and he acted like a grownup and it sounds like she did too. He's worked incredibly hard to sell and even this, even though the breakup was eight months ago, he still stayed on the channel. I cannot tell you guys how disappointed you're going to be if you don't stick to this. I talked to somebody this week who literally and I asked him to please write me an email about a situation because he literally was crying on the, on the skypes with me numerous times. Thought is x would never come back. Never come back. Never come back. She started dating another guy. Guess what? She came back and she hung out with him just recently and they wound up messing around and having a good time together.

Craig Kenneth: 12:54 So. And she's still not even over the guy she's dating, so she cheated on her current boyfriend with him, but he really thought it was never going to happen. And you don't, you don't give up that easy. You know what he told me? He said to me he didn't know she was going to contact them because we had the skype. Uh, what's today? Wednesday, Wednesday. So we must have had a Monday. He hadn't planned. Yann talked to her in awhile and months and like a month. Right. And she hit him up on Friday. So he had scheduled a skype with me beforehand. He said I just wanted to cry on the skype with you and talk about everything. I had no idea that this was gonna happen and now we're already hanging out again. It was the. And I said, people won't believe it. They just don't. They don't tell that this.

Craig Kenneth: 13:45 There's a disturbance in the force. There's a disturbance in the force. There's no other way to put it or airwaves or something. Yeah. It's so true. And so he's like so excited because you know, he might, his might wind up getting back with her, but he's learning a lot because now he's thinking, I don't know if she's really going to be a good partner because now I thought she was such a sweet, innocent girl. She's cheating on her boyfriend with me and he thinks now that he sees things, she left him to be with the other guy. So now he started note, well I don't know if this is better after the breakup. Absolute later after the breakup. I remember that one. Yes. It's incredible, isn't it? How working on yourself is the most powerful thing you could do? And then he was at the ultimate point. Great. If it works out and if it doesn't I'll be okay. Yeah. And you know, I was hoping you could talk a little bit about, you know, everybody's concerned that their is going to forget about them and we set up front. You don't forget about somebody loves. Can you explain about holding the object?

Coach Margaret: 14:54 Yeah. If you read a great deal about human experience as a baby, and we do know now from people being psychoanalyzed and from people remembering their experiences much more what it's like to be a baby than we ever knew before. Um, and if we have an average expectable environment when we're babies, we probably turn up reasonably okay, all right. But if it's not, if there's chaos in the family, if there are all kinds of social problems, people being evicted, people going in and out of jail that can get badly disrupted. If you're handed from caretaker to caretaker or if you're lifting your crib too long with nobody coming by to see you, it can be very hard to learn to hold the object object being the person like your mother, like your mother or your character or any consistent caretaker. Um, if you don't see that person often enough and your needs aren't met, you don't learn to hold the picture of that person and the other attributes of that person in your memory and in your head so that you can call them up to soothe yourself. And if the, if the truth is to be known that the way most of us soothe ourselves, although we've long forgotten it, is by calling up our mother or some other consistently comforting character. And

Craig Kenneth: 16:36 the problem is if you've had a cat parent or caretaker that wasn't soothing and had a lot of anxiety, is that doesn't comfort you to picture them

Coach Margaret: 16:47 right? And when I think of some of the most distressed people I've ever worked with who find themselves acting out all of the time, doing crazy things, getting themselves in trouble with the law, getting themselves in trouble with their family and other contexts that they have. One of the things I've learned to ask is when you're distressed and you feel really bad, what do you do to make yourself feel better? Drink, act out, have sex, go to the bar, picked somebody up, and it's a whole series of things that probably temporarily make them feel better, but are ultimately self destructive.

Craig Kenneth: 17:23 Most people watch our videos. That would be a wonderful thing to do. Videos

Coach Margaret: 17:30 king as a way of making people feel better. That would make both of us extremely happy.

Craig Kenneth: 17:35 I cannot tell you how many people tell me they will literally sleep with our videos playing and that we never go to bed alone around the world, but that's just wonderful.

Coach Margaret: 17:50 And before we had enough technology for this, I couldn't remember a particularly distressed woman. I knew she was. She would act out and then she would be suicidal and then she would act out again. And finally I did the. Can you remember what your mother looks like? Can you remember what your husband looks like? She had married to a very nice man who could calm her down and no, she really couldn't if she wasn't with them. So out of desperation I got her to get pictures of each of them. So at all times she had a picture of her mother, a picture of her husband, and she added a picture of me and she wanted me to record something for her. So I rate her a brief passage. Are you ready from Winnie the Pooh? Okay. So that when she was distressed she could call up one of us.

Coach Margaret: 18:40 And after about a year, the mechanism, the normal mechanism began to kick in for her and she could call all of us up at various times when she needed to know. That was an act of desperation on my part, but I can assure you I did it again because it seemed to work. The normal mechanism is to be able to remember and you hear a lot about self soothing these days and that's what it means. What do we do when we feel anxious and bad and sad and terrible and crazy. Like we can't stand it without doing something. That's when we need that soothing mechanism. The other thing that occurred to me subsequent to that is how many women I had worked with who would have more boyfriends over a year than was even imaginable. And I remember saying to one of them, how do you possibly get into another relationship when you haven't grieved the one before?

Coach Margaret: 19:36 She said, oh, well, you know, when I end the relationship, it's over. I don't even remember what they look like. Which gave me a clue that in order to grieve, you have to be able to call up the object. She said, she told me the theory. She said once I break up with them, I don't even remember what they look like. So, um, it has extreme though. That's extreme. That's extreme. And this might be the lady who married the gas man after knowing him for three weeks. Not Getting. No, I'm not kidding. I'm absolutely not kidding. Uh, several of us in the place where I worked had been involved with this family and we all say three weeks and she marries the gas man. Uh, but her, her ability to relate and to hold the object literally was so poor. She couldn't grieve. So you might as well have this one as that one, but that is an extreme form. And I didn't treat her long enough to know if she would respond to some of those other things that we did. But this is wonderful that these videos are out there available 24 slash seven for anybody who needs them. That's wonderful. When I did my first one with the lady with the gas man, we, it wasn't, we didn't have the technology that we have now, so I had to relate to, you know, pictures and so forth. But this is just wonderful. Absolutely. Yeah,

Craig Kenneth: 20:56 it is. And I cannot even tell you how nice it is to hear when people say, I, I put your videos on and they play him through the night. I had a girl told me that today coming down. Yeah, I put it under my pillow. I put up on my pillow, I listen to you. Why? If I wake up and you're playing, it comforts me. What know? It's fantastic and wonderful. Yeah. That's why I have a playlist that's called listen while you sleep. And so if you just click on the playlist at, there was a lot of videos in there. So don't play throughout the night. By the morning time it will still be playing.

Craig Kenneth: 21:33 Maybe we should. Margaret Reads Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh or anything else you order up. That's funny. Um, but to reiterate, your ex doesn't forget about you. Absolutely not. If they're within the remote realm of healthy. Yeah, exactly. They don't stop thinking of, you know, and like I said, and I'm sure you, if you take a minute to do this, think about people you've dated. Even 10 years ago, you could call up their voice. Sure. You can call up there how they would say, I could do that right now. You got to remember how they take their coffee. Yeah. So I'm sure you know they're not going to forget about you. And so just because you don't hear from them for a while doesn't mean it's over. It doesn't mean that you can't work things out. It really doesn't.

Coach Margaret: 22:21 And one of the things you've often said, Craig, which I think is very helpful, is no one breaks up with somebody that they don't think it over and say, was that the right decision?

Craig Kenneth: 22:30 Yes. I always really believed that your ex will revisit the idea of getting back with you, with you, and it really depends upon how you handle yourself, what you do and what you don't do. That's going to give you another chance of getting them back. You listen to friends and family, they're going to give you a lot of bad advice. They really are not that they don't mean well. They do absolutely dig do mean well, but they don't know breakup

Coach Margaret: 22:57 and a lot of people want to just cheer you up, you know, because they don't want to shoot shit. They don't want to see you upset. Say Shit. They just say just get over it, which is no help at all if you would. Right? Absolutely. Yeah, and he was no good for you, whatever, but that's your decision and no one else's. Absolutely.

Craig Kenneth: 23:14 So be comforted in knowing that your ex is going to keep thinking about you. We had a situation in this email. We're eight months later, they came back. I told you about the guy from four years ago. The other guy recently who thought he was convinced it was done even though it was that long ago. He was absolutely 1000 percent sure it was done and over, but I know better and you know better. I know that may not be so.