Feb 13, 2011

In the last few years, I have embraced two pretty radical changes in lifestyle. The first was yielding to my lifelong desire to fully explore my gender complexion. The second, and rather recent change, involved taking a “job” after an interesting 3 year stint of independent, home office bound, pajama clad freelancery and tomfoolery.

Guess which change has been more disruptive?

Before leaning in close to give you a glimpse of the bosom of my thoughts on the matter, let me share a thought on disruption:

I am all in favor of it.

If my report cards are to believed, disrupting things has long been a core competency. I had teachers who, with a stronger sense of frontier justice, would have stood me up in the classroom corner from September to mid-June, and suffered fewer headaches. Summer vacation differed from the rest of the year only in so far as the disruption happened out of doors, barefoot, and without the hindrances of adult supervision. Even better, it was not subject to term papers and grading.

But, yeah, without a jot of doubt or a flicker of hesitation, the whole getting a job thing has been more disruptive even than the discovery of “Petra”.

Coming out of solo orbit and splashing down in the Corporate Ocean has been a bigger shock to the system than expected. Many muscles and reflexes are out of trim and the gravity of things feels new. I had forgotten how much of the workday gets lost in overhead – the meetings, con-calls, and sweet mother of pearl the fulminating email threads, spinning in ever widening gyres, ensnaring the innocently cc’d in a gooey, Ebola-like contagion of indecision for the lack of somebody, anybody’s willingness to just goddam welldo it.

Oddly enough though, it feels good to be home.

After these days in my new corporate home, and the unaccustomed commute back to my home home, there has not been much left of me other than a desire for stillness. I have been finding stillness and resolved harmonies after the discordance of the day at the keyboard of my piano quite reliably lately. Hence my long absence from the keyboard that describes these Voyages en Rose.

I did however, at the end of this past week, satisfy myself that I could hack through the Gordian knot I was hired to unravel. On Friday, I was able to articulate the plan more or less convincingly to the right audience. This attracted positive notice.

I follow in the path of a parade of capable men and women who nimbly (ed. cravenly?) pirouetted around this problem, leaving it in place, fearing the loss of career velocity attendant on high stakes, high visibility failures. Perhaps I am bringing the required admixture of male and female, the correct tincture of masculine and feminine to the whiteboard. Perhaps I have not yet perceived the real contours of the challenge too. Perhaps I am merely perverse enough to try. I don’t know, or mind much today. I slept like a lamb two nights running, and felt today as though I had some reserves I could share here.

Haven’t much felt like dressing though. I have seen 3 of my skirts on new co-workers. A couple of blouses too, and at least one dress. I am happy to report that I am working with a stylish and attractive lot. None of them quite have my ankles, but that’s a long shot in any room. For the most part though, the gender puzzle which has been so much at the forefront of my consciousness in recent years is much deeper in background just now while I figure out all the other newness.

I suspect in time, that things will normalize. For now though, much of my mind and time will be fully stressed and stretched to cover my new responsibilities. In time, imperceptibly, the stress will diminish, the stretch will ease. One day then, with the problem atomized and right sized, there will be enough time and mind to drape the work, amply, elegantly. The cloth left over will be put to other uses. Stylish and flattering uses I hope.

Just now friends, I don't have an earthly when that will be. Nor do I have much of a thought about what I will want to share with you here in the meantime either.

But you do know I will be back of course, yes? And you do know that I will share. Yes. Disruption is temporary. Change is lasting.

Good for you, Petra. Yes, the realignment of one's life's various components after a major addition or subtraction does take some adjustment time. After everything is integrated, all will fit according to its proper station. Those who love you will be patient.

Had a good laugh at the email thread comment...I'm sure all of us in the office environment nodded are heads in unison as we read that.

Isn't it funny how all of a sudden one day you start looking around at the women in the office to make notes on outfits as opposed to....well, any other reason?

The new job may have pushed Petra to the back-burner for the time being...but I'd bet my house (whatever that's worth these days) that she'll be back stronger than ever if this job lasts any length of time :).

Sometimes a little disruption is ok! Im fairly sick of them! I have been back and forth between jobs, blogging and school and it will all come to an end very soon (kinda scared!) I agree with you on being home for work, I wish I could do that. I hope to find a future job where I can actually do that, would love it!

I can imagine its tough to juggle everything going on in your life as well as actively maintaining a blog. I've only just stumbled upon your page in addition to yatgb, mycdlife and a few others and I just love your writing!! Even if things slow down here you have several older articles I can catch up on. One way or another I look forward to your future posts!

I have the opposite problem - er, disruption. I left the corporate life a few months ago and went out on my own. The challenges are wonderful and I do so love working in just my undies all day but the work days are much longer and the stress of being responsible for each and every decision is totally overwhelming. I kind of miss the days where I could conveniently lay my work off on someone else and let them take all of the blame... [sigh] I'm glad to hear that you're doing well and I hope to drop by more often and check out your wonderful blog.

About this part of me

Hello. I've been quiet about this for some time. How long? Since age 5. I remember distinctly an attractive friend of my mothers visiting. First pair of fishnets I clapped eyes on, and the world came into very, very sharp focus.

I wanted to have the beautiful woman in some inexpressible way, but I also wanted the things that made her womanly.

The Sears catalog would thud onto our front step. Fishing tackle and camping gear surely. But it was the 60 or so pages of confounding and compelling foundation garments that really got my attention on a rainy day.

Long line bras, open bottom girdles, and pant liners. Stockings, garter belts and pantyhose. Curves and crevices different from mine. And all of the revealing and concealing and vaguely hobbling dresses and shoes and hats that went on top of them all. Choice, complexity, mystery and forbidden fruit. A powerful brew that buzzes me still.

This desire has been with me forever now. It washes in and draws me out. I often swim against the tide. I sometimes let it pull. I don't believe that its going away though, and so its time for me to court it formally. And in giving it this space, perhaps understanding it better.

If you feel, in some way, these same things, I really hope this is helpful.

A little more eye candy ... Reading pays off!

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Petra's fine print ...

Thanks for visiting. Petra keeps a file of findings, experiences, thoughts and hopes about all things crossdressing here.

This blog is open to and welcoming of the visits and interests of all crossdressers, the transgendered and transitioning, the curious and the spouse/partner, and by anybody who is just not judgmental.

Please feel free to leave comments, and feel confident visiting any of the sites listed here. Keep in mind, that my personal experiences may not match yours. If they differ, or if you want to introduce another vendor or service to me (and our new friends) well just drop a line.