A man, his wife and
mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy
Land. While they were there the
mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told
them, "You can
have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can
bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend
$5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when
it would be wonderful to be buried here and
spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years
ago, was buried here, and three days later he
rose from the dead. I just can't take
that chance."

FARM COUNTRY

A farmer purchased an old, run
down and abandoned farmstead with plans to turn
it into a thriving enterprise. There were weeds
and brush all over, the buildings were falling
down and the fences were collapsed. On the first
day of work the preacher stopped by to bless the
man's labors and said,

"May you and the Almighty work together to make
this the farm of your dreams."
A few months later the pastor stops by again.
The buildings are weather tight
and painted. The weeds and brush are replaced
with burgeoning crops. The
fences are rebuilt and the pastures filled with
stock.
"Amazing,"
says the preacher to the farmer,
"look what the Almighty has allowed to come
forth!"
"Yes, Reverend,"
replied the farmer,
"but don't forget what the place looked
like when He tried to go it alone."

CALIFORNIA

This is the message that the Pacific
Palisades High School
Staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone
answering machine. This came about because they
implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be
responsible for their children's absences and missing
homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want
their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even
though those children were absent 15-30 times during the
semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their
classes. This is the actual answering machine message for the
school:"Hello! You have reached the
automated answering service of your school. In order to assist
you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all
your options before making a selection:To lie about why your child is absent -
Press 1.To make excuses for why your child did
not do his work - Press 2.To complain about what we do - Press 3.To swear at staff members - Press
4.To ask why you didn't get information
that was already
enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you -
Press 5.If you want us to raise your child -
Press 6.If you want to reach out and touch,
slap, or hit someone - Press 7.To request another teacher for the third
time this year - Press 8.To complain about bus transportation -
Press 9.To complain about school lunches - Press
0.If you realize this is the real world and your child must
be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class
work, homework, and that it's not the teacher's fault for your
child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!"If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you are reading it in English, thank a veteran.

IRELAND

An Irish
daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her;
" Where have you been all this time you ingrate! Why didn't you write
us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you
call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum
through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I
became a prostitute..." "WHAT!!? Out of here,
you shameless sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever
want to see you again!""OK, Dad - as you
wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to
a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5
million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy
the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a
breath)...an
invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht
in the Riviera, and....""Now what was it you
said you had become?" Girl, crying again,
"Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff""Oh! Be Jesus! - You
scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant".
Come here and give your old man a hug!"

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