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GLENNON
DOYLE

Getting High

May 29, 2013

I’ve been really, really down for the past two weeks.

I know this because I’m eating like a mad woman. I’m not overeating because I’m hungry or even interested in food. When I get sad I eat like some people work or snark or run or Facebook. Like I’m desperately trying to distract myself from something I’m afraid of. Like I’m frantically trying to fill up an un-fillable hole.

I noticed that this frantic thing was happening a few days ago. Noticing is good. It’s the first step, usually.

I eat mindlessly when I’m down and I get down when I’m lonely. I’m down a lot because I’m always a little lonely. I can be surrounded by people and still be lonely. It’s just the way I am- I feel a little island-ish. I am both afraid of connection and totally desperate for it.

Do you know that I have 80, 000 of you but I haven’t had a real live conversation with a real live friend for weeks?

I think I secretly believe that I don’t NEED real live people. Like I can serve all of you here and that COUNTS as connection. Judging from my mental health this last few months- I’m not sure that’s true. I actually think we might need real life time with real life people. This makes sense, I guess, but I also find it disconcerting.

I fell in love with Sean Penn during a recent interview he did from a refugee camp. He had moved there to help and was completely immersed in the people there. He was passionate and real and educated about the issues. Then the reporter asked him about his crumbling marriage. Penn paused and said, “You know, I love humanity. It’s the humans I hate.”

I loved him for that bit of honesty. It is so much easier to save the world than it is to save yourself. So much easier to serve the world than serve your family and friends.

I have to find a way to help myself out of this low-ness. It’s been a while – it’s time. So I am going to wrap this up here, and go jump in the shower. Then I am going to drive the kids to school and after I drop them off (on time!) I am going to get coffee with some other mamas from school. I am going to sit and be present and listen and share. With humans.

[…] have them, these mood swings, even the ever popular Glennon Melton of Momastery, who talked about her recent low. I’ve been trying to pay particular attention to Happy during those times when I need it most. […]

G- I wish I had read this one before I met you last night in Baltimore. Knowing that food has been a problem for you, I wanted to ask you last night about how you cope with the constant temptation to eat for the wrong reasons. This blog post answers my questions and helps me as I am coming out of a few weeks of inexplicable overeating/bad (for me) eating. Thank you!!!

I have “shown up” for the past 2 days and I’m on day 3 with no sign of stopping. Somehow just keeping it as simple as “just show up” has made my life more manageable and has turned into my mantra. I’ve erased the other “and then you have to be happy, smart, funny, pulled together and perfect”. That thinking only caused me to not show up, close the blinds and want to go back to bed immediately!! I’m removing my capes one at a time and I just have to thank you for being, well, you and so authentic. It’s changing my life one day at a time and it’s also making being a mostly solo parent due to a deploying husband, mother to 3 children 7 and under, plus starting my own business (and all of the panic attacks that are associated with all of that) tolerable and actually sometimes enjoyable. Thank you for helping me learn how to breathe and I know my husband and 3 children thank you as well!! :0)

Sean Penn? Seriously? Read up on the guy. Good friend of Chavez, said the Tea Party is the “Get the N Word out of the White House” party, held a photographer by his legs off a very high hotel balcony. And let’s hope his son doesn’t represent how Sean really feels after his foul-mouthed, racist, homophobic rant at someone.

Please don’t say he was provoked. There are so many worthy role models out there. You can do better. I’m actually surprised you even quoted someone who said, “It’s humans I hate.” I don’t think he was speaking poetically. I think he harbors plenty of hate for those who don’t agree with his political/philosophical bent.

It’s like part of the labyrinth – circling close to the center then further away. Maybe you are headed to the outer edge but you are on the path. Remember to look up and see all the others on the path with you. And maybe wrap up in a cool scarf. 🙂

No “real live conversation with a real live friend in weeks?” Really? That’s kind of strange being pictures of you were posted with Bidwell Smith and others recently and someone said your kids are always with Darwish’s kids and you must see her often if that’s the case. I liked you better when you didn’t create stories for this blog like Hampton and gang. Will no longer be reading this blog. It’s turning into fiction. Naples must be one phony town full of fake ass people!!

Just because we see friends often doesn’t mean we’ve had- or taken- the time to have a real, meaningful conversation with them. My good friend took my daughter to a library event last night, and today that friend’s daughters are spending the day with my kids. I *saw* my friend when she picked up my kid and when she dropped off hers, but all we got to say was, “Hi, thanks for taking my kid(s), I’ll see you soon.” We are going to take time next week to actually talk and be present for each other, rather than dash in & out of each others’ lives, talking in the mom-shorthand of the chronically over-extended.

thanks G for the words. as a family physician, it seems some days like all.i.do is talk to people. and make those connections. and what i crave is the opposite of what you do….a simple day at home with my kids and my dogs to just sit around in sweat pants. to decide on a whim to go to a park, or to watch a movie, or to eat ice cream for lunch. and i don’t get that very often, but sometimes i do. and even though i don’t feel i’m “showing up” for my career, i feel like i’m “showing up” for my kids.

even though we’re craving opposite things, you and i, we’re still craving a calm to our mental health.

.Your Sean Penn comment entrigues me, as I have always believed that liberals love to speak of “groups and segments of the populace” but are never able to identify with or have empathy with individuals. Their agenda makes them promote man as a collective ; thus promoting the communist, collective society.

I just woke up this morning looking for a place to say “thank you” to you and tell you that I love you for how you have helped me. And thanks for planting the ideas to show up, be brave and be kind because that’s what I most need to do and I never thought about it that way. But I know that is going to be the answer to happiness for me. That and Byron Katie’s 4 questions. I am going to make a conscious effort to change and I think when I do that I will have the life that I want. Love you and thanks again, have a great day.

Your low place sounds very familiar. You are right…the recipe might be getting out for a bit. I also think you sound introverted, and despite what our culture says, that is FINE. I’m sure you have heard of Susan Cain’s book Quiet, but if you haven’t, it may be worth a read. One of my very introverted friends said that the book changed her life, I’m attaching my review of it if you want a taste….http://ayearbythebooks.com/2013/03/26/shhh/.

Long time reader. First time writer. I’ve had to have some serious chats with myself lately to move out from under Da Funkies. Two things have helped:
1) thinking of one good thing/moment and then smiling, even if I have to force myself. The physical act of the smile helps. I then start laughing at myself thinking about how funny I must look, sitting in my car or at my desk just grinning.
2) looking at myself in the mirror, making a squinchy crazy face and then saying, quite sternly, out loud, “Get it together, Meg.”

It must be going around. I eat to fill myself everyday, not because I need it to live. And lately, I have finally admitted to myself that I am lonely. Very lonely and yet, I am surrounded by what everyone else would call the perfect life but somehow, I am disconnected. And in loneliness, you can spin out of control. G, I just have to say I know how it feels and when you are lonely, you think there is no way anyone else could feel quite this lonely, too. I honor you for speaking the brutiful truth and being honest with us. It is hard. Carry on, warrior, you do hard things everyday and inspire the rest of us to do the same. I hope you enjoyed your coffee and conversation and were able to fill up with human connections and love.

Ill practice them too- everything’s a bit easier if you know your not alone & have a training buddy right?!

I too feel islandish but I know really like all islands there is connection there its just under the water where I can’t see it , but I still know its there- it’s kinda comforting to me when I feel really lonely like this last month.

For me at present & in the past to your list of four I’d add saying yes to sillyness- for me that’s what helps me find the rest- saying yes to my gorgeous three year old & his requests to roll about on the floor or go out for a smartie cookie treat, or run under the sprinkler& pull faces in the post office line- for me it’s there that I find what I need:)

Thanks, G. I really needed this. Sometimes I can’t figure out if I need to be alone or with other people I’m so stuck! It’s laughable, but not when it’s so overwhelming… Anywho. One thing at a time, right? Onward.

I don’t know if you will even see this – I know this is a little late:)

We are a part of a new start up church in our home town and the guy who is starting it was talking about how we need to be sure all three of our relationship needs are met – and they are the ones modeled by God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. Up, Out, and In

Up – connecting with God
Out – reaching out to help others, like Jesus
In – taking care of the inner self and our inner circle, with the Holy Spirit

We all gravitate to one or two but rarely are all three in our comfort zones. None the less, it is important that we try to develop all three. Well rounded, my dad would have said.

It sounds like we are a tribe of introverts at times 🙂 – the internet is a good place for us to both connect and not connect. I think we should be encouraging one another in just this way – to go out and connect.

For me:
I have two girlfriends that I love, but I need to take better care of. And they aren’t local to me – I need to find one or two local gals I can connect with as well.
I need to find more ways to get out and love like Jesus.
My inner self is suffering from over-attention.

So if you see me out and about – feel free to ask me how I’m doing :).

We are made for relationship – and it must be hard for a good reason. Most things are.

Ok, I’m going to be brave and take a first step: My name is Susan, and I just moved to a suburb of Buffalo, NY from out of state. I have met a few neighbors but that’s it. I would LOVE to meet up with someone (or many) for coffee. I saw on Glennon’s site that she is working on getting communities of monkees together to form women’s groups….maybe we could be one of the first here in Buffalo! I can meet on a weekday, an evening or a weekend (ok, now I just sound desperate and a tad pathetic, ha!!!). Looking for girls to sit with, chat, laugh and just hang. I’m a little talkative, so all you have to do is just listen if you don’t feel like talking. my email is [email protected]. Would love to get a group of local women together who need friends like I do. xoxo, Susan

I have one more thought to add: you have been so ON DISPLAY lately. So out there with interviews and book tours and appearances that it is totally natural to want to be the opposite for a while. And hide. So be kind to yourself. And thank you for not hiding from us.

I know…exactly. I am also a super woman wondering how I can possibly be feeling this way when I know how awesome I totally am. I know exactly…friends are good. I think of God needing not 1 but 3 ENTITIES to serve in relationship in order to find completion. Even GOD was not enough for God. God needed to be in relationship with humans through Jesus AND in relationship with the holy spirit. When thinks aren’t jiving, one of those three relationships are out of wack. Good luck and call me anytime…I know exactly.

Dear Glennon
I hear you. You are not alone with your Go To. So many of us let food steal our minds when we’re down, me included. I heard a good tip recently. When you feel like filling up that hole, notice the urge – which you’re doing. Take a breath. Then paint your fingernails. Keep your brightest, sassiest colors in the pantry right next to the crisps or whatever the Go To’s are. It feels nice on your hands (self-care) but more importantly you can’t eat for half an hour. By the time they dry the urge has usually faded. If not, at least you have lovely hands to make you smile – and wave about if you feel like leaving the house. Carry on, wonderful warrior. x

Have you ever read Jeane Ray’s Eat Cake? There is a great line from the book. Whenever she was feeling overwhelmed, she was told to visualize a place that was safe and peaceful. While everyone else was visualizing sunny beaches, she went to the “warm, hollowed out center of a Bundt cake”. Me? I would be nestled inside that sponge-iness reading a book. Glennon, whether you are high or low, upside down or sideways, you are my kind of heroine.

I hear you. I’ve shovelled down a few too many slices of cake & a few too many potato chips lately. The problem isn’t the food its the hole I am attempting to fill with said food. The slipping downwards isn’t much fun, neither is googling depression questionnaire’s to see just how bad it is (I don’t recommend this!). The part that makes this all the more lonely is apparently looking as though I have it all together – being told I look ‘so together’ just adds a whole new layer of guilt/shame. If only they could see my messy insides!
The good news is that I’ve been here before so I have a little bit of a map of how to get out of this low. Time to fill the hole with the right stuff – more love & more connection. A little bit of exercise. A few moments of sitting still and not attempting to shove the hard feelings away with cake.
Sister on, girlfriend. Sending compassion and strength to you as you climb skyward.
PS Does the damn hole ever go away?

I find that sometimes I shy away from real people because I can usually only be one part of myself with any given person or groups of people. And denying all of myself feels inauthentic and exhausting. I am a white, suburban, Texan girl raised in a Republican family. But I am getting my master’s degree at a liberal, East Coast seminary where nearly all the students are Black, Hispanic, or Korean. I can see the beauty in both groups, but I never feel at home. Anywhere.

Yes. Inauthentic and exhausting. I told my daughter that I can love myself better when I’m alone. She said that’s true of everyone, but I think the extroverts of the world feed off other people, whereas I just feel tired, like you said.

I never feel at home anywhere either. I’m in a similar situation….for similar reasons. I’m the oddball. What I need to work on is finding a community, a tribe or a village, where I truly feel that I belong and am part of a family. That’s what I miss most.

Glennon,
I have never commented before, but I read your beautiful blog on a daily basis and I am touched, uplifted and moved to be a better person every time I read your writing. I decided to comment today in the hopes that I can share the love and support that my warrior mother gave to me. When I was young, I was incredibly sensitive, angry, hurting, and just felt damaged. My father died when I was six and I felt like I, and my family, was just this car wreck that everyone slowed down to gawk at. We were a bit of a public scene on a regular basis!). My mom, left to raise five kids under the age of nine, always told us that you cannot control what happens in life, only your reaction to it. I spent my childhood being sick to me stomach with fear over having to do something social. Like you, I craved the connection. But I was so afraid of being judged (I would say I was CERTAIN that I would be judged). My mother would lovingly prod me out the door, telling me that almost always that people are too busy worrying about how they are being judged/accepted to spend much time worrying about me. She also told me to look for that person in the crowd who looked like they needed a friend, because s/he was probably feeling as scared or nervous as me. That advice has served me so well. Whenever I am in a new situation, I just seek out someone who looks like they are too. Takes my mind off of me! Because you are such an incredibly compassionate person, maybe re-framing that coffee with the mamas as an opportunity to show up for someone else might help. Sorry for the long comment. My mother would have said it better and more succinctly. Hang in there. You never know what you can do until you have to do it.

Hey Glennon – I love your blog. I don’t know if this will resonate with you, but I found this book called “Inner Bonding” and it has helped me listen to and live in my truth so much. I’m just offering it up in case it calls to you like it did for me. It is by Margaret Paul.

Shhh… change your words “overeating” to “volunteering and overeating”, and it’s me. I am busy, BUSY making a difference in other peoples lives. they need me. They appreciate me. And then I go home. And they don’t know me. So I eat, and strut my good person-ness stuff on facebook. “Look what I’ve done!! I’m a good person!!!”

And really, akl I want is my best friend back. And if can’t get that, then I need to stretch nyself and start building vulnerable relationships.

Let’s go back to me being a great person who volunteers and makes a difference. At least I can feel, at least for a moment, that I’m not lonely.

Me too. It seems oh so much easier to stay in than to make that effort which may or may not feel rewarding. I guess I am starting to learn when I need it and when I don’t. As you say, noticing our triggers is the first step. 🙂 I also wanted to thank you for bringing me to Quiet – one of the books I’ve been reading lately that make me recognise how cool it is to be me!!!
And thanks as always — for being so damn brave. And honest.
Hugsand more hugs — from one of your 80,000 followers that is thankful to you for being real. For shining your light, and showing your dark, and helping us to remember to do the same. Thank you for providing this place to be a real mother, when it sometimes feels like it’s the only one. <3

I can relate to this as this is going on right now. I bought some Klondike bars at Costco and guess what they are all gone. Yup, I ate them. I made a cheesecake for my 2 son’s birthdays and I’m the one eating it. My anxiety level is so high I haven’t left the house for 5 days. When I do the sweat starts to pour and the everthing starts to shake. Reaching out is hard. Thank you for posting this, not many people admit to how emotional eating is a reflection of how things are out of whack in the rest of your life, even just the simple things.

I’m a daughter, sister, wife, mother and grandmother. Your blog, story, thoughts…are wonderful and I love to read them. That you have 80,000 (really :)) ‘friends’ that you converse with? That’s great. Know that we all love what you do. You put into words what we can’t.

Have you read the introvert advantage? I have just started reading after getting my meyers briggs results and being surprised i was an introvert. It’s about where you get your energy not being quiet and shy. Anyway it is slowly changing my life and perspective. You may be surprised.

been doin’ saaaame thing, Glennon – and wondering why I’ve been feeling this way. . . not even realizing that the lack of adult interaction has been the culprit – until now. Hopefully, we will snap out of it!

Last year my wife jokingly asked me whether we needed to add a “pie” category to our budget; I hadn’t ever been much of an emotional eater pre-kid, but with post-kid loneliness and stress, I developed an unhealthy attachment to this really *amazing* salted caramel apple pie at this bakery that was conveniently located along a prime dog-walking route. 🙂

But in all seriousness, this blog (both G and commenters) are a freakin’ godsend and remind me always that parenting is wonderful and hard and that it’s ok to be the most human of humans. And I really needed that today.

Oh my GAWD, Glennon. I should know better by now than to read your blog when I’m feeling hormonal. Now I’ve had a lovely cry at my desk and mildly alarmed all the men I work with (I’m the only woman in an office for a heavy construction company, and they all think I’m kind of a weirdo anyway). The part about both fearing and being desperate for connection hit me right in the solar plexus. Gasp. Choke. It’s so true it hurts.

When I’m feeling this way, sometimes the person I really need to connect with is me … and, you know, the Big Guy. Just us. I get to discharge, decompress, mull things around (all out loud, if it helps), and have no worries at all about disconnecting, misconnecting or what I’m wearing. I get my “alone”, but also not lonely. The Big Guy gets me, unedited, uninterrupted. Win-win. You’ve been so busy giving, and doing, and sharing, and serving others with your gifts … maybe Glennon needs some time alone with you? Can you tell I’m reading “Quiet”? 🙂 Bizarre, this concept of solitude filling you up … like no twinkie ever could. Love your heart and soul, so much.

I’m sorry you’re feeling sad.You’ve been through a lot, G, and it seems like a perfectly normal and logical reaction to feel low and lonely in the wake of it. And eating is one not uncommon way to try to mask that feeling. So please try not to be too hard on yourself.
I hope the mamas at school helped a bit, and that there are comforting words for you here, too. If you haven’t had time for yoga lately, maybe that’s a good thing to try? When I feel challenged, I alter one of your mantras and say to myself “Powerful women can do hard things.” It makes me feel powerful–and it helps me do the hard things, like run up a hill or get my daughter to school on time. I hope you find some strength and comfort soon.

I remember back to a previous post you wrote when I find myself in a rut. It was about the monkeys who didn’t know they could swim or the water was shallow so they stayed on their little island longing for the shore. If only they knew they could swim! I myself am a recovering eat-a-holic and always see those damn monkeys when my rear longs for a couch and my fingers ache for chips. Swim, Monkees, swim!!! xoxo

You are oh-so-refreshing, with your always-speaking-true. Your bravery in the face of humanity {our own being the most glorious and terrifying} is inspiring. I still have to show up {although I believe hiding is showing-up on some days!}, but at least I know others are {or aren’t!} and that we’re all getting freer in the process.

The topic of community was the sermon this past weekend. Isolation has the power to destroy our lives, while community gives us the power to understand God’s purpose for us. Isolation makes us vulnerable prey to the predator.

Redwood trees remain standing against strong winds because their roots are intertwined and connected.

I just finished reading your blog (well, the most recent 25 pages of it, I’m sure I’ll read the rest later), and I just want to say how much I love it, and you, and all the Monkees that I’ve met through the blog. Thank you for being honest, thank you for being real, thank you for not making me feel like a failure because my house is a disaster right now … just thank you.

I rarely comment, but I’m hoping that by releasing this comment about something that has been eating at me lately (actually a struggle I’ve had for a very long time); that someone on here may be able to , shed some light, or have some advice!

I am so with you on the introvert spectrum (extreme introvert), I can hide it pretty well, but it is a painful task. Sometimes I have to remind myself to talk out loud to my spouse and my kids when I am at home because my internal thoughts of to dos, pondering, dreaming, etc. can very quickly overtake my brain. I too pour myself into things to get myself out of things…such as getting together with family. EEEK my husband and I got jobs out of college 3 hours away from our family and the small town we grew up in, we had our first child and longed to be near our family for barbeques and our younger siblings volleyball games, grandma’s birthday, etc. Well our wish came true and my husband was offered a job back home, we now live within 15-35 minutes of all 3 of our sets of parents (mine are divorced and remarried)….talk about grass always appears greener on the other side. We definitely took for granted our own family time when we lived 3 hours away, just enough of a distance not to make weeknight shindings, but close enough to drive back on weekends. The problem was and is that my husband and I are both big time people pleasers. We have a hard time saying no to each little event that comes up. This leaves us with 2-3 events each weeknight and about 4-5 free weekends a year. (I wish I was exaggerating). It is exhausting and terrifying for me to have to engage with people this often, and they are even family members. I love my family and my in-laws, but in smaller doses. How does one say no, how does one develop boundaries and explain it to the person you may hurt in a kind respectable manner….my parents and in-laws are warm, loving, well meaning people, but they know how to pull a good guilt trip and my husband and I are very easily guilted. When we say no the guilt eats away at us and when we agree to go, we are wishing we were home. I want to go somewhere because it feels good to spend time, not because we feel compelled. Much love Monkees and thanks in advance!

Oh, Tara – I feel for you on this one. (I’m sure lots of people do) Here’s my two cents – or two suggestions anyway. One have you read – Quiet The Power of Introverts In a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. If not, I highly recommend it, it is so, so good, and sounds like you may get a lot from it.
Second, on the ‘family invasion’ – I also have been through this, when my children were small we also hosted both sides of the family often. (and a little too often)
After several years, (and some added family drama) – I found it necessary to decline a few invitations and just plead ‘family time’ (immediate family, meaning those who live in my house!)
It is necessary to set boundaries, even with kind and loving people to just enjoy some family time with your own family in your own home. It really doesn’t seem like too much to ask.
You just have to start drawing the line. I know easier said than done!?!
But it will help to keep your sanity, and keep your family special. Hope this helps,
hang in there, sounds like your heart is in the right place 🙂

Sometimes when I know what I “should” do I get a little braver by framing it as, “how will this make me a better model for my daughter?” Mind you this is supposed to help me, not to make me (or you!) feel guilty. So long as it empowers me it helps me to draw boundaries that I otherwise (even as an extrovert) would feel uncomfortable drawing. My heart goes out to you momma.

I feel the same way…I really understand this..but it takes so much effort to arrange people’s schedules and find a day that works for “real life” friends…That is me whining tho…I do find I am much better when I arrange it. I get exhausted in a completely different way but strangely rejuvenated too. Sigh. Well You have motivated me to get my butt out there I suppose…darn you:) JJ but meh…I don’t feel I have the energy. Ok, I will.

G – I so get this one. This is just where I’ve been at lately; realizing how frantic I am and that I need to work on self care again. I can tend to isolate too, and it’s important for me, in taking care of myself, to find someone that I can really BE with for awhile.
Sending love your way, and lots of warmth and positivity to you and your real friends today! 🙂
Laurie

Glennon, I had to force myself to go to my son’s end of school picnic today. There were lots of good reasons for not going, anxiety of not measuring up to the other moms who always volunteer their time, feeling judged by the teachers, my job…etc, etc.
Driving to school my son asked me again if I could come, then he asked if I would do my very best to get there. I was then reminded of you and remembered the importance of showing up. So I did, I showed up for him and I reached out. It was good. Hope you have a good day because mine has turned out very well. I am glad I went. Timely post, thanks for your words.

G,
Honesty is such a BITCH. (And her sister, Truth, is no picnic either.) How on earth is it possible to love her and despise her at the same time? It’s twisted… Quite literally. Rather than trying to answer that question, I suppose I am just trying to live with the fact that she makes me happy, but also scares the shit out of out of me. She is who she is. She is constant. There is no such thing as 1/2 Honest. She is either 100%, or 0%. How I respond/react to Honesty varies greatly (hence my polarized opening statements). The amount of space between these two emotions makes her the most interesting. If I was happy with Honesty all the time, yes, it may be more comfortable, but very dull.

I know she only has my best interest at heart. She wants me to learn and grow, so from time to time, she shows me some of her brutal self. Oh, that Honesty… She is full of surprises. The most refreshing surprise is the reading of your blog. It hurts so good. I want to laugh, and cry, sometimes at the same time. Most times, it makes me think, reflect. And this reflection has changed my life. Having been shown what Honesty looks like, I feel compelled to provide Honesty to others, including myself. She is a good woman. She doesn’t take any bullshit. She can smell it a mile away. Like a good parent, she Is guiding me to live a better life, with God’s help. (As you know, she and God are really tight.)

I admire you, Glennon. And I admire you, Monkees! It’s a privilege to be part of your community. 🙂

I am between jobs right now and am isolating like crazy, and it is making me very depressed, while at the same time I don’t really want to make the effort to be social. This post of yours is quite timely for me. I wish I were just a little more extroverted. I am most comfortable all alone on the couch under a blanket with my iPad. Ugh.

The timing of this is crazy, because just last night I read the part of your book about moving back to Ashburn because you needed friends . . . and I found myself wondering if you were beginning to feel lonely in Florida. I went to bed a bit worried about you. I’m sorry to hear you’re lonely and I hope the coffee date went well. Smootches.

“I actually think we might need real life time with real life people” – aren’t tv shows and books so much easier to handle? I’ve been facing this hard truth this year too. But then I see my kids and want to support them in growing friendships because I know how important those skills are, and how much joy friendships can bring. I left all the real life friends I knew and loved, and who knew and loved me when I emigrated and what a huge loss that is.

Did you do it, G? Did you follow through and hang out with some flesh-n-blood humans?

I ask because, probably like a lot of others who so identify with your writing, I, too, am “a little island-ish.” A little desperate for connection and a little terrified of it. And I have too often vowed to do something with real people and then freaked out and backed out. You’re wiser than I am – you posted your intentions, and we both know that writing something out makes it more likely to happen.

So I hope you met with those mamas (or someone) and gave them the inimitable gift of yourself. And if you didn’t – call me, I’d love to chat!! 🙂

Sister, no. I got all dressed and got into my car and started driving and then I decided I wasn’t fit for public consumption, turned around and came home. Chickened out. I’ve been working/hiding alone all day.

BUT..I read recently that even the sun sets. Perhaps tomorrow will be the day I rise.

I often find that the day I get the courage up to ask a mom for coffee, they are busy. It seems like all the moms I know are so swamped by day to day life that building friendships for ourselves just gets put to the bottom of the priority list. It used to be that when my child had a playdate, the mom would stay and have coffee/tea, but now everyone is so grateful to have the chance to run errands while their kids are otherwise occupied, that the mom-time just doesn’t exist anymore. Lonely.

I so identify. I wonder how it is that everyone else seems to have good friends, decide that I have to take the initiative, work up the courage to email some moms and say “Hey let’s go out for a drink”, then none of them can and I feel totally rejected and it takes months before I can try again. Lonely too 🙁

Lets just keep reminding ourselves that it’s not about us, but just about how everyone’s lives have just gotten so busy – we’ve lost touch with our basic need for togetherness. I am as guilty as any of keeping to myself, doing everything myself, feeling like it’s just easier to do it alone as the social part seems to take so much ENERGY! Maybe one day, we quiet, introverted types will finally find each other on a park bench somewhere and telepathically communicate our longing for friendship! Hang in there Shelley. At least we have this place 🙂

“telepathically communicate our longing for friendship” – lol, Shannon. You think someone would be freaked out if I sat down next to her on a bench and gazed at her with complete concentration, sending a friendship message? 😀 It seems like there is something that I just don’t know how to do when it comes to close friendships – like I’m missing some key component and I don’t even know what it is, sigh. It makes me feel less “defective” to know that there are so many other women who feel this way – how do we find each other? 🙂

I find that sometimes it’s about inviting folks over and letting them know that I will brush my teeth and put on fresh deodorant for them but that I’ll most likely be in something close to my pj’s. Many times I find it puts the other person at ease too. Who can keep it all together at all times? Not me. Which reminds me that I was going to post an offer to host a coffee n’ pjs chat on my local mother’s club board.

Sending those who need it some of my extrovert sensitivities and reminding myself that taking some quiet time to recharge is a wonderful idea too. Moderation in [most] all things, right?

Even the sun sets. I love that. (almost as much, honestly, as I love that you called me Sister). I’m sad that those mamas missed out on time with you, and that you missed out on some connection. But I get it. I kind of wish I didn’t, but you know, that’s why we’re here. Because it’s hard to be there, with someone.

But maybe tomorrow we’ll rise.

Lovin’ at you!!

p.s. and I was serious when I said I’d love to chat. So many people intimidate me. You don’t (and that is meant to be a compliment, which is how I hope you’ll take it): I would not be afraid to chat with you. 🙂

Glennon. I love you. I think that we would definitely be friends. I mean….if you would think that I am cool enough for you. Because you are way cool. I heard the other day that Jesus is the Only One who will be there for you….through it all. When everyone else is kinda sick of you being down and depressed…and crossing their fingers when they ask “how are ya?” because they just want to hear that you’re okay….Jesus is alright with the truth that you’re still down and depressed. And the Truth is that he’s gonna love you. In fact, that same person said that him and God are discussing you right now (based on a verse in Hebrews). How they are going to be using you soon…and how they’re using you now. I know that you say that you love Jesus….so run to Him sister. And I’ll pray that his hands and feet that are the church will be asking YOU for a coffee date soon. So you don’t have to be the brave one that asks today…just the brave one that shows up…

G,
I feel this way often myself. I have 9 kids and I am with them (at least a couple of them) all of the time, but I understand being lonely. I can feel myself pulling inward and backward. The internet and facebook and email allow this to happen more easily. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE facebook and the internet. My blog is one of my “therapies.” But I have been trying to involve myself with face to face people time too. A friend of mine and I get together to walk a couple of times a week. (usually with 4 kids in tow!) It has helped a ton! I am praying for you. Know that you are not alone in this, none of us are…thanks to you and Momastery! God’s blessings on you!

Thank you for sharing these thoughts. We want you to take care of yourself, even if it means shorter/fewer/messier posts. We love to hear that you are not just a sparkly “after” in a before/after picture. That it’s okay to be in process; we all are. Thank you!

“I am both afraid of connection and totally desperate for it.” Gosh, did this pierce my heart as I read it! I recently said this to a friend and she looked a little confused. Obviously it wasn’t her experience, but I know EXACTLY what you mean. Connecting with actual people in person brings me feelings of completeness and joy and yet it’s not within my comfort zone to reach out and connect. I suspect it’s because we’re introverts that making those connections we crave is so difficult. I only know that if I get in a habit of denying those cravings that are actually good for our soul, it’s even more difficult to reach out. Over time I’ve learned to notice when this starts happening and to then force a connection. It renews and recharges me. Every. Single. Time.

I never knew anyone else felt this way. That is why I love the Monkees. I am not a social person. I am not anti social. I just prefer to be by myself. This is hard when you have little ones and a teenager who plays sports. I am also married to a man who is very social and is employed in an industry where socializing is a requirement. I would much rather be on the sidelines watching that is where I am happiest.

G, this is so brave of you to share your honesty every.day. I can feel this way at times and yet I love being alone. I find that I crave the loneliness, it’s almost like a second self. And it’s not that I’m lonely, I revel in it and often feel hermit-ish. I don’t think I’d define it as being depressed, I’d define it as “me-time”. I spent so much time with my little ones being so busy, which I loved and would never trade that time with them, but now that they’re in school during the day – I’m like a giddy child, KWIM?

Thank you for this and thank you everyone for the comments. It’s so nice to see truth reflected in these comments. I have found so many aspects of the social part of parenting just like being in high school again and lurch between hiding out and craving social time to find balance and stability to support me in managing my home and family. It changes all the time…