Monkey See

3:54 pm

Fri April 5, 2013

Real TV Listings: Let's Make A Lava Lamp Fish Tank, You Guys

It's Friday, and that means that television is serving up a few gems (new episodes of the wonderfully deranged Happy Endings) as well as a bunch of stuff intended for a target demographic of "started partying early; already passed out."

In that spirit, we bring you a few Real TV Listings for Friday, April 5.

Tanked (Animal Planet, 9 p.m.): Tanked is a show about a company that designs incredibly elaborate aquariums. Tonight's episode is called "Groovy Sarcophagus, Man," and Animal Planet offers this description: "Brett and Wayde visit New York to create a Cleopatra-inspired tank for a boutique hotel in the Catskill Mountains. In New Jersey, the boys are challenged to build a Lava Lamp tank for the headquarters of Spencer's Gifts." It's not every day I would say this, but they kind of buried the lede by focusing on the aquarium made out of a sarcophagus. If you are a child of the '80s, you know that the real news here is that they get to make a tank for Spencer Gifts HQ, which means that not only is it a lava lamp, but to be on brand, it pretty much has to have something to do with flatulence.

Say Yes To The Dress: Atlanta (TLC, 9 p.m.): This is a show where brides spend slightly less money than they do in the New York version, but more frequently have to deal with older relatives who don't think you're really married in the eyes of God if you have bare arms during the ceremony. This episode — I kid you not — is called "More Granny, More Problems." Come on. That's a little funny.

The Dead Files (Travel Channel, 10:00 p.m.): The Travel Channel is only one of the many networks that have realized that there are only so many shows you can make about, say, golfing resorts, so you might as well make shows where people investigate the paranormal, because as long as they're not doing it in their own homes, there's travel involved, right? According to the show description, it involves a detective and a medium investigating "haunted locations" separately so that there's no favoritism shown as between detectives and mediums, although some might argue that presuming the existence of "haunted locations" puts a creaking, bony thumb on the scale of the medium to begin with.

Blood Relatives (Investigation Discovery, 9:00 p.m.): The title of tonight's episode is "Flesh and Blood," meaning that the TV listing reads "Blood Relatives: Flesh and Blood," which is nothing if not economical in suggesting that blood is involved. This is a show about families where people kill each other, meaning that it might actually be for a weirder audience than the one about the fish tanks.

Extra Yardage (DIY, 10:00 p.m.): I have no idea why, but I almost snort-laughed when I realized that the show Extra Yardage is about giving people bigger yards. YARD-AGE. EXTRA YARD-AGE. If the phrase "extra bathroomage" were a thing, they would have a natural accompaniment to this show.