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Sunday, 8 April 2012

The Waiting Game

I think perhaps one of the cruelest things a pregnant woman can do to herself is give into the mentality that the 37th week marks the "anytime now" phase. I feel like I am three weeks overdue and I have not even seen my official due date yet!

I did this same thing when I was pregnant with Anika. For whatever reason, I was convinced the baby was going to come early. I told myself December 28th which was reasonable given my due date was January 7th. By the time January 17th rolled around, I would sit on the floor in the middle of the night because I could no longer sleep, and I would cry and beg God "Why have you forgotten me?"

Ah.. the good 'ol days. I swore after Anika that with any subsequent pregnancies, I would assume that my "due date" would be at least one week post the official due date. So with Ethan, I was due October 19th... told myself probably October 25th and was surprised when my water broke and he was born October 13th!

With Sivana, we were just so darn busy all the time, that I flat out asked God that she be late! It just felt like there wasn't enough time in the day to even prepare for another baby! My due date was September 26th but my water broke on the 3rd! Thankfully she wasn't born until the 5th which was my official 37 week cut off mark.... this meant that she was NOT considered premature!

With this pregnancy, I stupidly thought "hmmm, getting earlier and earlier... maybe this one will also be early." And then with all the upheaval about the baby being breeched this past month and the "hope" that Baby comes sooner than later, it really has felt like I have been pregnant indefinitely.

But here we are... two days away from my official due date... my midwife back from her month of holidays today... and the hope that perhaps Little One has simply been waiting for our favourite midwife in the whole world. There isn't anyone else we'd rather have at our side as we tackle a breech delivery than our midwife and if all of this "waiting" has meant having her there, it's been worth it.

But I am tired. I feel like every minute is being subconsciously counted. Too afraid to start any projects in case it gets interrupted, unable to sleep at night and wishing someone would finally invent the pregnancy-bed-spatula to facilitate turning from one side to the other... and longing for the day where my bladder can handle more than a few drops of urine! Getting up in the night is a whole other ordeal and then I have to stand there for a minute until my hips stop screaming in pain... and then I have to hop... yes, big pregnant overweight lady hopping in the night... all the way to the washroom. Hoping beyond all hope that no one else needs to get up in the night to pee only to be horrified at what appears like a limping walrus in the shadows making its way to the washroom!

Sigh.

This morning, I woke up to half my face being swollen. I looked like I had two faces merged together.. and not terribly gracefully! What on earth is that about? Any aspect of feeling "desirable" or "womanly" have been replaced with feeling "overripe" and... well... just plain HUGE.

The good news? No woman has ever been pregnant "forever" so there will be an end to this someday. Each day brings us one day closer, right? And while some are reminding me to savour these last few days as my last ones of being pregnant ever again... there is another part of me that is all done "savouring" and is just ready to move on with our next chapter! At this point, I feel like I am MARINATING!

I struggled with whether or not to post anything after my lovely state of "peace"... after all, it was such a nice note to leave things on. But the truth is, the peace came and the peace went but at least it visited at all! Some of it remains... the surrender to God and the lifted burden of trying to turn this baby.... and even the aspect of trusting the outcome. But the fear still visits now and again and the sense of feeling like this is never going to end.

All in good time, right? Had I known what we were going to face with Ethan and discovering his many, many allergies, I would have likely welcomed the opportunity to keep him "brewing" a little longer! Right now, my journey is to find peace with the moment and not look to the past, nor the future, but savour the gift of the present.

So here's hoping that wherever you're at with your own life, you are savouring the moment... even if you've been marinating in it for what may seem like forever! That all things come and go... all things pass... and that perhaps we should welcome these moments while we have them BECAUSE they are part of our story. A life story with a beginning and an end and whose details have been beautifully orchestrated. May you enjoy your story and not doubt for one second that it is a life worth living!

Much love to you all out there! I hope that the next time you hear from me, it will be with "THE news". God bless you all.

2 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Dearest Rita!The Johnson family sends you all our love as you await this next miracle. I can totally relate, being so happy that Our best midwife in the world is back from her holidays. She was the most wonderful support we could ever have asked for in our breech delivery. She was very strong on making sure we were being educated all throughout, and with knowing our birth plan, helped us stick to our goals of no csection, even though mr dr might've just wanted to call it a day, so he could go home for the night and have a rest. Blessings to you and baby.Come safely little one.

Dear Rita,You know I've seen 14 and 16 days overdue and I know it is not fun! I don't think anyone expected you to remain in peace for very long!! ;) I'm feeling your pain at every turn (or attempt to turn). Before you know it, that babe will be here!xoxlisa

About Me

I like to laugh at myself, wear my heart on my sleeve, volunteer way too much info, and hug people! I'm an eternal optimist and value honesty at all cost. My husband and I are passionate about growing our food organically, growing in our faith, and delighting in the blessing of our children. I have stumbled enough to learn that I am stronger than I realize. I forgive because I know what it means to be forgiven. Key life events that shaped my life are: getting pregnant with Melina at fifteen, still graduating alongside my peers , marrying too young, Isabel's early arrival (27 weeks), the day Izzy was in the resuscitation room, the support of my family, the devastation of bankruptcy, a painful divorce, working three jobs to feed my kids, reaching a point of self-sustenance in my life, and meeting my soul mate whose honesty and integrity earns my respect and love more so every day. A few years later, a few kids later (Anika, Ethan, Sivana & Avalyn), some with significant health issues of their own, life is abundant in its blessings and I delight in sharing our family's journey (good and bad) every step of the way!