5 Simple Ways to Get Your Kids to Listen

How to stop struggling with your kids and win their cooperation.

There are so many things that we need our children to do in order for our house and our schedule to run smoothly. We have a vision of what must get done, how it should be done, and when it should all happen.

But kids have a totally different take on how their day should flow. It’s as if they live in an alternate reality. Who needs to brush your teeth? What’s wrong with staying in pajamas all day?

Here are five simple ways to help you stop struggling with your kids and get your kids listen to you:

1. Understand why kids have a hard time listening to you.

Besides the fact that parents and children have different goals and aspirations for their day (productivity vs. free play all day long), kids have a hard time listening and following directions because kids, like all human beings, possess a strong need for independence.

Being independent makes us feel that we have some control over our decisions and our fate. We are empowered by knowing that we can think for ourselves, take care of ourselves, and rely on ourselves to survive in this world. Children are often torn between wanting their parents to take care of them and needing to feel independent. They are confused. When their parents ask them to do something and they need to comply, they are also battling their inner voice which might be telling them: "You don't need to listen to anyone. You are your own boss, you can do your own thing!"

Once we understand why it is so hard for kids to listen, we can approach our interactions with compassion, tact and understanding.

We will hopefully be less angry when our kids don’t listen. We can then focus our energies on in a more positive direction.

2. Create a home routine and schedule.

The next step is setting you and your child up for success. The easiest way to do that is to make sure that your home environment is conducive to cooperation. Routines and child friendly conditions can go a long way in helping your child listen.

The real key to preparing a routine is to involve your child and include his input. This feeds into his need to be independent and make his own decisions. Then you can plan a schedule that works for everyone.

“What would be the best time for you to do your homework?”

“Our doctor appointment is at 2pm. When do you want to stop playing with your toys and get ready to go?”

The same goes for a child-friendly home environment. Find out why your child is not hanging up his coat and what would be the best place to put some hooks (at his eye level) so that it is easy for him to comply. Shoes can be put in the same place everyday. Ditto for their clothing. Help them organize it in a way that makes it accessible to them, so that they are not always searching for their pants or shirt.

3. Use neutral language.

It can be frustrating to get our kids to cooperate. We often resort to accusations and blaming to get our kids to listen. This often sets a negative tone, and usually brings on defensive behavior that leads to power struggles:

Why do you always leave your shoes in the middle of the hall? Why do you always make a big deal about everything? Just pick out a shirt already!

Instead use language that is neutral and non-confrontational:

Shoes belong in the closet. Let’s both take a few minutes to calm down before we finish this conversation. Time is short. A shirt needs to be decided on now.

Using neutral, non-confrontational language helps parents feel in control and keep kids feeling encouraged and aids them in listening.

4. Give Choices.

There are more benefits to giving children choices. It teaches kids how to make decisions. It also builds their self-esteem as they learn to develop problem-solving skills. This makes them feel more powerful and in control of their lives. They become better listeners and more cooperative. Not only that, choices also allow parents to maintain their position of authority. Children need to comply with their parents’ requests, but they get to choose the method. It is a win/win situation.

For example:

Do you want to drink milk in your blue or red cup?

Do you want to eat dinner now or in five minutes?

Do you want to clean up your dolls or your blocks first?

Do you want to hop or jump into your car seat?

And with older kids:

I need help with dinner. Do you want to make the salad or set the table?

The bus comes in a half hour. Do you want me to come in and wake you up again or would you like to set your alarm for a few more minutes?

When are you planning on doing your homework, before or after dinner?

5. Help Kids Problem Solve Their Way To Listening.

One of the best ways to help kids listen is to involve them in discussions on how to solve the problems of family life.

Anytime there is a problem at home we can say, “Let’s take a minute to figure out a solution.” We can then ask some questions to promote problem-solving skills in our kids:

“What can we do to make sure that everyone is chipping in to help clear off the table?”

“I bought a box of cookies, what can we do to make sure that they are shared evenly in the house?”

“When Sara and Eli both have friends over there are problems over who gets to play in the basement. Does anyone have any ideas on how we can work this out?”

Teaching your children to think about solutions will give you a partner who will be more likely to listen as you solve life’s little and big problems together.

Helping kids to listen and cooperate is a big job. Understanding your child’s need for independence, setting up routines, using neutral language, giving choices and focusing on solutions, can make it that much easier.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, is the Director of Parent Outreach for A+ Solutions, facilitating "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk" workshops as well as workshops based on “Siblings Without Rivalry.” Adina also runs ParentingSimply.com and is available for speaking engagements. You can reach her and check out her website at www.parentingsimply.com.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...