Friday, June 18, 2010

Deformed by Society

I sound passive and you don’t like it, I’m weak and you don’t like it, but you’ve never been in my shoes to understand why I act the way I do.

I was never able to meet the standards of your society, so I shy away as quiet as I can.

I have never been able to satisfy my basic instincts so I learned to compromise and to keep to myself

I had no choice but to develop a thick skin to protect my heart, yet, it still hurts every day.

I hide in my shell. I’m not a coward, but I have never won so I stopped fighting. I had to create my own world just to survive.

I plan to get my needs met in one or two public appearances a month, and despite of all my efforts not to make eye contact with people, I have no choice but to in certain situations. And it still hurts every time I see those eyes wide open looking back at me with disbelief. You would think I got used to them by now, but I have not. I won’t ever be able to feel "Nothing" with those looks unless I kill my feelings. But I’m human, even though so many of you don’t think I am.

I try to forget that I’m different, but you, looking at me that way, keeps on reminding me. And those looks are all kind of looks except the one I need, they’re pity, sorry, sympathy, disbelief, and sometimes looks of disgust. It still hurts.

I want to go home, do my work, sit down and read. Yes I’m alone and I’m lonely, I read about love in books and I think I watch it happens on TV, And I did accept the fact that I won’t be ever loved. I admit that I don’t know what a love hug feels like, because even as a kid I never had that privilege.

They say if you don’t love yourself, you won’t be able to love others. I say, how can I possibly love myself when you have kicked me out of your family, pushed me away from your school, fired me from your company, chased me out of your social circle, prevented me from walking down your street? How can I love myself when you made fun of me, when you mocked me, when you hit me and teased me, when you said I’m the ugliest thing you have ever seen, when you compared me to the devil, when you said that I must be evil to look like that. How can I possibly love myself?

But I don’t hate you. I say, you have every right to look down on me and to not want to be bothered with me being around. I don’t hate you, and I don’t love you either, I just want to be left alone, I got used to my life-style, that is having no style at all. Just being by myself reading my books and doing my thing. Just leave me alone.

I apologized so many times to you, to your wife, to your children, to your friends, to your co-workers, I apologize still and I realize it’s not about something I have done, but since I take the blame anyway, I’m sorry for ............................... for being deformed. I was born that way. I will never understand why. But I want nothing from you, ignore me for heaven's sake, pretend I don't exit.

Once upon a time I dreamed that you smiled to me. It felt good, it felt warm, that's all I might ask for, and I know it's not impossible, and I know you're capable of it, I just don't know why you don't do it.

But for now, and until that happens, if it meant to happen, if you find it in your heart, I really want nothing, I'm happy to be left alone.................... to be, whatever it is I want to be, in between my lonely four walls, my prison, my home.