Here's my 1-100 (100 being
the best) ratings of the movies nominated for Best Picture and some
commentary on the Academy's mostly lousy choices.

The
Artist - 96/100
Totally Juicy
Verdict: Best movie of the year and
first time I've rooted for the front-runner in a long time. Too bad it
all goes downhill from here. Damn you, Academy and your infernal need
to irritate the shit out of those of us with taste!

The Descendents - 61/100
Totally Juicy
Verdict: The movie was overrated and sort of like a soap opera
shot on film instead of whatever they shoot soap operas on that make
them look so bright and ugly like an old video tape that Ted Turner
colorized while in a drunken rage related to being a billionaire in
need of colorizing everything ever created. George Clooney plays
himself. Hooray! Accolades are in order!

The Help - 59/100 Totally Juicy Verdict: Lacked
punch. Or balls. Or conviction. Or believability. It showed the
"horrors" of Jim Crow in a way that would be palatable
for those who didn't find Jim Crow laws all that horrible. The sort of
folks currently supporting Newt Gingrich or that other pro-rape
Republican dude whose last name means, "the
frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of
anal sex." Like a homosexual's reaction to a Rick Santorum
hate speech; The Help sort
of left me feeling offended. Like Song
of the South for a new generation. In the Jim Crow days
black ladies didn't shit in chocolate cakes and serve them to white
racists like some bad episode of Sex
and the City. Black ladies were lynched and raped by white
racists just because. The movie had some great acting, though.

Hugo - 76/100 Totally
Juicy
Verdict: While Hugotells
us why preserving old film and remembering the silent days of cinema is
important, The Artistshows us. That said, the film is entertaining in its
own way and sort of looks and feels like a Tim Burton movie would if a
Tim Burton movie was directed by someone more competent than Tim
Burton. If you can get past the fact it's boring, you may end up
enjoying the damn thing. I'm halfway through my review of the movie as
I type this. But I've been halfway through my review of the movie for a
month now, so that doesn't mean much. Sort of like the overblown film
preservation lecture in Hugo.

Midnight in Paris - 83/100 Totally
Juicy
Verdict: A slight little truffle of a film
-- whatever the hell that means. But it was airy and pleasant and a
great little 90 minute "what if" piece. As in, "What if Woody Allen
could still write and direct an entertaining movie?" I've been a fan of
Woody's movies since seeing Husbands and Wives at a dollar theater way
back when admission to dollar theaters was still an actual single
dollar. This is the first movie he's done in a while that I've really
enjoyed. It's even more enjoyable if you watch it while high on
marijuana.

Moneyball - 52/100 Totally
Juicy
Verdict: I have absolutely no
interest in team sports. Maybe it's because I keep having to pay for
the stadiums the billion dollar "welfare teams" (like "welfare queens,"
only these assholes are actually a bane on society) play their
team sports in, through outrageous sales tax
increases. Despite being told this film's writing was SO
powerful it wouldn't matter, I think it did matter a little bit. I was
intrigued throughout the first half (if for no reason other
than the shameless amount of product placements stuffed into a
single fucking movie), but was bored out of my mind during the
baseball-heavy second half. Plus, even without knowing where the story
was going, I had a very easy time knowing exactly where the story was
going. Aaron Sorkin's sort of turned into a hack.

The Tree of Life - 65/100 Totally
Juicy
Verdict: I couldn't give this one
below a 60 due to the cinematography alone. The movie is beautiful. It
looks stunning. The plot -- what little there is -- could use some work
and it could have easily been 39 minutes shorter without losing a thing
-- other than 39 minutes. Yet, I find myself wanting to watch it a
second time. That must mean something. It's sort of like the original
Fantasia, except about a dead kid.

War Horse - 74/100 Totally
Juicy
Verdict: Unbelievably cheesy story where the
main character is a horse and every secondary character knows he's the
horse they're looking for just by hearing he's a miracle horse or a
special horse. But the movie rarely tells us what's so miraculous about
this horse. Or special. Or even really anything more than, "That's one
hell of a horse." The horse plowed a field once. When it was
raining. Wow. Still, this is Spielberg's first full-fledged tribute to
his hero, John Ford. And the movie looks and feels like a John Ford
film. See it on the big screen and you'll be swept away by the sweeping
panoramic shots and beauty of the whole thing. Almost as much as you'll
be distracted by the ridiculous script. There were times I thought the
horse was going to speak, like Mr. Ed. The amazing Mr. Ed. Now there
was an amazing horse. He sat in a stable and said stuff!

I have yet to see Extremely Loud &
Incredibly Close. I wish it wasn't nominated, because I don't
want to see it. I think it was nominated because the Academy has its
head so far up its fucking ass its small intestine thinks it's the
place where faces breathe. Instead of mediocre monstrosities like The Help, The Descendents
and Money Ball,
why didn't we get solid Best Picture nominees such as, Girl
with the Dragon Tattoo, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
and Drive? I'm guessing it's due to the day when the Academy (rightfully)
nominated Brokeback
Mountain and saw their ratings fall by like 30%, the
Academy has played it VERY safe (they started playing it safe that very
night by giving some piece of shit the Best Picture award -- I forget
which piece of shit it was). Outside of NY and LA, the show basically
gets all its ratings from soccer moms living in flyover states.
Middle-American soccer moms have been the audience the Academy
caters toward. I expect an Adam Sandler movie to be nominated next. Or
maybe just a 30 second fart joke as Best Short Film. Either that, or
some guy hitting himself in the nuts. Middle-America loves that shit.