Monday, January 11, 2010

Frustrated

This morning I called Benjamin's preschool to let them know that he won't be returning. Because I am not going to be in school the semester, there is no reason to drive Benjamin to Logan everyday for preschool. Making that phone call suddenly made everything real to me. I am not going to go to school anymore, Grad-school and a Doctoral degree are no longer part of my future. I am feeling very lost and confused as I have no idea what the future holds for me and my little family.

I am worried that having a new baby will hurt the relationship that I have with Benjamin. I love him so much and want to spend every second of every day with him. I love that he is to a point where I really don't have to do anything for him and yet he still loves sitting on my lap or snuggling together at nap-time. What will it be like to have a helpless infant around the house again? What if I don't have time for Benjamin anymore?

I am also stressed about how expensive it will be to have another kid. The amount of medical bills I have already accumulated is astronomical. Having a picc-line and being on home care costs about $200 a day. (Of course our health insurance covers some of this). Also, there is a pretty good chance that this baby will have a heart condition like Benjamin. If this does happen, what are the chances that we would luck-out again and have it be an easy fix and fast recovery? Further, when Benjamin had his heart fixed, he was double insured and we didn't have to pay any of his $50,000 bill for surgery and hospitalization.

I am also frustrated with myself. I have spent far too long being angry at God for doing this to me. I have felt all along that I was supposed to go to school and just when I am one semester from graduation I become pregnant and unable to finish. Why? I have spent much time praying and studying my scriptures trying to understand. I have been able to look back on my college experience and see that many things I learned and have grown. I don't know why I had to quit this close to graduating but I do see why I needed to go. I feel the worst about this because I have spent so much time feeling sorry for myself that I may have hurt some people. I know that I have been a huge jerk to Josh who has done everything in his power to help me feel better. I have also been grouchy and irritable and to any of you who I may have hurt, I am very sorry.

I am sad that Benjamin has to quit preschool. He has grown so much in just the short amount of time he did go. His language has improved, he has stopped hitting, and he learned so much. I can't believe that there are no preschools in Brigham City that I could take him to. I considered sending him with his cousin to the ATC in Ogden but I am a little concerned about some of the things I have heard about that place. So I guess he is stuck with me until our lease is up.

Well this post has turned out to be much longer than I had intended. I'm sure most people won't even read it all but to those of you who do, thanks. I know many people have been praying for me and I think that as I am now done being mad at God, I will be able to feel the answers to your prayers.

It is really frustrating when God changes the direction of our lives. He tends to do it without asking us, giving us any choice in the matter and the added blessing of it being exactly what we need to be the happiest. He seems to know what we need to be happier beyond all of our imagination.

That said, I don't know that I would give up or trade my degree, but I would sacrifice anything to have a child of our own. To have that experience and the career of mother is the one that eludes me now and no amount of education can make that happen. The highest calling in life is that of mother.

hey i love you just remember i am always here if you need me. i understand your going through a tough time right now. i pray for you everyday and love you very much i cant wait to meet this little blessing that heavenly father has given you. let me know if i can help at all.

I do love you. You haven't been a jerk to me. I just assumed it was the hormones:).

I know that we will be ok. Everything will work out. I know I am always stressed about our money, but we will have enough somehow as long as we put our trust in God.

I am sorry that this means your plans might be put on hold, but if you're supposed to get that Doctorate degree, we will figure out a way. I still think you should start compiling your book anyway. You don't need a PHD to get your name published.

Catie, I love you. Life throws cruve balls at us a lot. God knows what we can handle when we can handle it.. I think you are a remarkable person, who has accomplished a lot since I have known you. Work on your book. I believe in you! Remeber God has plan for you. All things work out for thy good...

Maybe oneday we could open up McHolladay Prep... preschool-12th grade??? Remeber when we talk about that.

I hope to you are feeling better. Remeber you are loved by lots of people!

Kyle came to us in a surprise way---found out he was coming about 5 minutes before I was supposed to have major surgery that was supposed to really uncomplicate my life. Knowing that I had to wait 9+ months for the surgery made me really angry. I ditto you on those feelings. I thought Kyle would hate me for sure. But I was able to separate how I felt with how I felt for him.

Kyle ended up being a lifesaver for me. He came with perfect timing, even though at first it seemed the worst possible timing. He is my light. When I hold him m heart literally thrills. EVERY SINGLE TIME. You'll see. Things turn out. You'll know why this happened.