Will:(with several bags of crisps, to Shopkeeper)Er, yes. I am...a man. Who has recently bought a house in the local area, and I'm having a house-warming party...to which I'll be inviting a lot of the local adults...(counting the Pringles cans in his hands absent-mindedly)...to...Hence the crisps.

(he dumps them onto the counter)

Will: And I'll also probably need some...(swallows nervously)...al-co-hol, as well as the crisps, et cetera.

Shopkeeper: Right. What sort of thing are you looking for?

Will: Some...(eyes a bottle of gin on the shelf)...Beefeater Gin?

Shopkeeper: OK. How about two bottles?

Will: (posh) Excellent.

Shopkeeper: Want some wine?

Will: Christ no, I'm not made of money! And I'll have some...Extra-Strong Mints.

(the shopkeeper looks at him wearily)

Will: For those who are drink-driving.

Shopkeeper: Right...comes to £29.50. Anything else?

Will: What's on Special?

Shopkeeper:(suddenly fierce) I'll give you a bottle of Drambuie for a tenner if you pay and are out the shop in 5 seconds.

Will:...Done. Thank you, my good man...I shall invite you to the party.

Will:(coming out of the newsagents, laden with bags) Mission accomplished!

Will: Well, it does, and it doesn't mean cock up my arse, or cock on my head, or...

Simon: ...you got some cock in the back of a van...

Will: Or that I got some cock in the back of a van! Look, all I wanted was a nice, civilised and sophisticated dinner party. Just something a little different from the usual parties - maybe even the sort of party that girls are impressed by! OK, so there aren't any girls here, but why don't we at least attempt to have a sophisticated conversation? I know it's a tall order, and I'm not expecting sparkling, but let's give it a go, eh, since it is my FUCKING BIRTHDAY!

[everyone sits in chastened silence for a while. Then...]

Neil: How much Lego can you stick up your bum?

Will: Oh, for Christ's sake!

Neil: How much Lego can you get up your bum? Didn't you do it as a kid? Just a triangle one and a long one? Maybe a few singles?

Will: Oh God, what if my birthdays just get worse and worse from now on? What'll happen next year?

Will's Mum: Have fun, and if anyone offers you any D-R-U-G-S, be careful.

Will: What?!?

Will's Mum: I overheard you. It's ok, petal. I know boys will be boys, but I can trust *you* to do the responsible thing. I'm very lucky to have you, because you're so boring.

Will: Boring?

Will's Mum: Well, not boring, just scared of things.

Will: Scared??

Will's Mum: Sensible. That's the word I'm looking for, sensible. You're very sensible so I don't have to worry about you as much....because you're so scared.

Jay: Sort me out, geeza.

Dealer: What?

Jay: Please...sort me out, geeza? I've got twenty quid.

Dealer: So? What do you want from me?

Jay: You know, gear?! Sweet Mary Jane. Ganja, man.

Dealer: Oh, so you want to buy drugs! And you came to me. Why?

Neil: Well, because we saw you-

Dealer: Because I'm black? You saw a black guy at a gig and thought 'he must be a drug dealer'?

Jay: No, we didn't...

Dealer: You f*cking white boys are all the same, you know that? Scratch beneath the surface just a little bit and you're RACIST. Yeah, that's right, I said it - racist.

*silence*:

Neil: But...have you got any drugs?

Dealer: Yes, I have, but that's not the point. The point is you *assumed* I had some just because I'm black.

Jay: Could we buy some please?

Dealer: Why should I deal to you? Why should I deal to two little suburban racists who see me as some kind of stereotype? I'm at university!

Neil: But you are a drug dealer as well, yeah?

Dealer: Yes, I do deal, but you keep missing the point!

Jay: Look, here's thirty quid, could we just have some puff?

Dealer: Yes, you can. But only because I'm a dealer. NOT because I'm black.

Will: Can somebody call me an ambulance? Because I'm in trouble. Time is moving really, really slowly, and everything is flat. I need you to call me an ambulance, or failing that, my mummy. I really want my mummy because, and I'm not being dramatic, but I think I might be dead. Is that clear? Mummy or ambulance.

Simon: (to his parents): Brilliant(!) You've effectively ended my life. Why not go the whole hog and just shoot me? Or better still, why don't you take me to the vets and have me secretly put down, just like you did with Patch?!

Neil: What is Swansea, is it an animal?

Gilbert: Teachers don't start each day by swearing alliegance to the Education Fairies under a portrait of The Queen. It's not so much a calling as a graveyard for the unlucky and the unambitious. Between you and me, the only reason anyone teaches these days is that they've taken a more relaxed stance on police checks in recent years.

Will: They say the art of teaching is aiding discovery. And Mr. Gilbert had helped me discover that he was a wanker.

Jay: I knocked out a cow in the countryside once, one punch to the face.

Will: Hmmm, course you did.

Jay: But then its mate saw what was going on and I had to scarper from a whole group of them. Managed to get off the gate, but then they stood up on their hind legs and started firing milk at me from their tits!

Will: Udders.

Jay: Yeah, there were loads of them!

Neil: What's an itinerary?

Simon: It's Will's way of taking the fun out of everything.

Will: (after discovering Jay has brought some condoms) We're camping by a lake near a river. What are you hoping to pull, a fish or an owl?

Jay: Look, all those country birds love a bit of big city cock.

Will: You're not from the big city!

Jay: Anywhere with a train station and a Morrisons counts as a city to them!