Tag Archives: Idiot’s Guide

2017 might be coming to an end, and so are my dreams of ever finding a happy ending.

As I pretend that my seventh glass of champagne is only my second, it’s time for me to ask those questions all over again — what do I remember 2017 by? The number of boys I ghosted? The number of boys who broke my heart? The bad decisions I woke up to (and with)? The bottles of prescription drugs I wolfed? The shots I downed to forget? The hangovers I’ll never be able to forget? The hours I spent at therapy after? The resolutions I vowed to make? The resolutions I’ll effectively break?

As gay men (such as myself) parade into the New Year making resolutions (and asking questions) that we’ll only give up on a week later, here are a few that I hope that don’t get lost in the sea of confetti, cheap champagne and regrets.

Want to know what they are?

Simply slide into 2018 with this queer guy’s guide to NYE resolutions (but not like those ugly d*ck pics that slide into your Instagram DMs):

1. Ditch the dating apps, but don’t ditch out on the dates.
There really is a high chance you’ll find the next big love of your life at the bookstore, or your favourite neighbourhood bar (and we won’t judge you even if it happens at the gym.)

2. Then again, don’t lie about your age, height or weight on your online dating profile.
72 kilograms are sexy, and so are you.

4. Put an end to the ‘New Year, new me’.
You’ll always be you. If people could change overnight, we would never have so many seasons worth of great television.

5. Be a nicer person. If you can’t, try till you succeed.
Gay men have the potential to be a lot of things – charming, well dressed, effortless, established, articulate, artistic or even high on drugs. But still, a lot of us choose to be douchebags.

6. Take an active interest in politics.
Because some of these decisions actually prevent gay men and women from receiving equal rights; which is just plain sad.

7. Let your biggest regret this year be not eating that last cupcake.
But you should go ahead and eat it anyway.

8. Stop answering texts from the ex.
There’s a word for it. It’s called ‘ghosting’.

9. Read more, but don’t read more into what other people said to you.
Books are sexy and mysterious, just like the hot guy who makes eye contact with you at the bar (and then disappears forever). Reading online lists doesn’t count though, unless you are reading this one.

10. Do something that frightens you, not someone who frightens you.
The list can include learning how to tap dance, skydiving and eating alone at a restaurant. Things the list should not include? Having unprotected sex with a complete stranger.

11. Exercise for health, not your crush’s phone number.
If you want those six pack abs that you can eat sushi off, make sure you are doing it for yourself (side note: even though eating sushi off your stomach can be quite unsettling).

12. Be okay with being single.
There’s always 2018. And 2019. And 2020. And 2021. And so on.

13. Understand that brands don’t make the man, manners do.
Very few men who have the latest Louis Vuitton bag will want to hear about your day at work.

14. Don’t be afraid to end a relationship that’s not going anywhere.
Especially when the only place it’s going is downhill, with prescription bills.

15. Actually enjoy experiences, instead of just Instagramming them.
And if the ratatouille doesn’t look as good as it does under the Aden filter, don’t eat it.

16. Tell the next boy you like how you really feel about him.
The world would have more romances if lesser people were scared of sending two text messages in a row.

17. Stop all the self-hating.
If there’s one thing that I love more than money, it’s myself.

Would you like a scoop of double chocolate chip fudge ice cream? Do you think that Ryan Gosling is hot? Want to go shop at Zara’s end-of-season clearance sale? Should we leave behind a trust fund for you? Would you like a promotion? Want an all-expense paid vacation to Greece?

The world is full of silly questions, but there is no question sillier than an ignorant homophobic one. Don’t want to sound even mildly homophobic the next time you are talking to a friend, family member or even foe that belongs to the LGBT community?

Refrain from asking any of these 69 (no puns intended) questions out aloud:

‘Can I set you up with another friend – he’s the only other gay guy I know?’

‘If I kissed you one time, would I become gay too?’

‘Does it hurt knowing that you can’t have your own children?’

‘You must love Sunday brunch, don’t you?’

‘Will you get AIDS?’

‘What can two lesbians even do in bed together?’

‘…But you know I don’t mean it in a homophobic way, right?’

‘It’s Fashion Week! Shouldn’t you be more dressed up?’

‘If you were straight, would you have married me?’

‘Listen! You are gay! Will you come to Girl’s Night with us?’

‘Boys suck so much! Why can’t you be straight?’

‘Tell me! Is pink your favourite colour?’

‘Ryan Gosling is totally your dream man, isn’t he?’

‘ …how do you not know what a cocksickle is?’

‘So do you do drugs regularly?’

‘Okay, who’s your favourite member from One Direction?’

‘But how can you not know every line from Queer As Folk by heart?’

‘Dating two people at the same time isn’t a problem, right?’

‘Oh! What are your dance moves? The jazz hands?’

‘How have you not seen every episode of Sex And The City?’

‘Beer? Why are you not ordering the Cosmopolitan?’

‘Are you the man or the woman in the relationship?’

‘Yea, but that’s now how we straight people do it, is it?’

‘Have you ever seen a vagina? Want to see mine?’

‘Why is there only a Gay Pride Parade?’

‘How are you having dessert? Shouldn’t you be off sugar?’

‘As a gay man, aren’t you supposed to hate sports?’

‘OMG! Why aren’t you the queen of sass?’

‘Are you sure you can’t pull off sequined trousers?’

‘What about a sequined jacket?’

‘…Sequined shoes?’

“Oh God! Now who’ll drive us? YOU?’

‘You are obviously not good with secrets, are you?’

“You are a gay guy! So what’s the latest gossip? Who are we bitching about?’

‘You are in a relationship? Shouldn’t you be changing boyfriends every month?’

‘All the sex, and no worries! Being gay must be so much fun, no?’

‘Don’t you feel dirty after anal sex?’

‘ OMG! You are totally like Will, and I am like Karen from Will & Grace, right?’

“Oh come on! You fantasize about married men all the time, don’t you?’

‘Listen! Will you be my gay best friend?’

‘Are you a Khloe or a Kim? No, you don’t know what I am talking about?’

“But you are one of us girls now, aren’t you?’

“I am not going to introduce my boyfriend to you. What if you hit on him?’

‘Oh! It’s a straight person thing, you won’t get it, will you?’

‘OMG! You’d love to come shopping with me, right?

“Isn’t it great that you don’t have to pay on the date?’

Have you ever cross-dressed? I am sure you have!’

‘How can you not have seen Wicked on Broadway?’

‘You’ve not even seen Funny Girl?’

‘But I can call you a fag, right?’

“I can’t even call you a homo?’

‘What about queen? No? But you guys call each queen all the time!’

‘How can you be really sure that you are gay?’

“Will touching my boobs make you straight?’

‘Are you going to snap your fingers at me, mister?’

‘But how can you not relate with Stanford from Sex and The City?’

‘You don’t even relate to Elijah from Girls?’

‘Definitely Kurt from Glee? No?’

‘’Have you slept with all the gay boys in the city?’

‘How are you not promiscuous?’

It’s so great that your parents accepted you, no?’

‘How do you even know so much about football? Is it because the players are cute?’

‘Is section #377 even a thing?’

‘Why are you getting so worked up about Section #377? It doesn’t even recriminalize homosexuality!’