Ramblings: Will Blow Your Nose If Not Your Mind

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a college art school major? He paints makeup on, carefully sculpts his hair to look careless and poses himself in the chair wrong just so he can be a poser and different because he’s all about doing whatever he does weirdly, not realizing that doing everything opposite of the norm is the long spelling of “conformist”. So he drinks some imported shit he doesn’t even really like and looks so gay he probably isn’t but he’s not a total waste of negative space because in the foam at the bottom of his empty bottle of sincerity is a sincere desire to find himself. Plus he’s never boring and he always brings around these cute art major babes who never wear bras and are constantly showing you skin and not even caring when you look. That’s what Kaboom is like.

The whole look of this movie felt like a cheap suit worn by an artsy kid who can make fun of himself and sometimes wants to camp it up. Kaboom works best when it’s threading this needle, trying to look like a porn remake of Donnie Darko, because the whole mystery aspect of the film, while the most cohesive thing here, is dealt with pretty shabbily. Kind of like a little kid in a talent show who’s more about “Look at me, look at me” than “Look what I know how to do”.

This film started out bad and i was really worried it was going to be some college movie where they try to capture the spirit of a period or some crap and play tunes that must be cool because they’re so obscure no one’s ever heard of them while they swap one liners like hot spit that’s too contrived to be authentic. That’s what i was afraid of because that’s how Kaboom started out but thank god it got away from that after the one party with the lesbian witch where the red headed twin mystery started because the men in animal masks stabbed her in the eye or not because Smith was on drugs.

My biggest beef with Kaboom was the ending. The movie on the whole was pretty entertaining but like a dorm kid with a bottle of mezcal, Gregg Araki was OK at the beginning and in the middle but didn’t know what to do at the end. Imagine you have a low-budget “X-Files on acid” episode where Scully and Mulder solve everything in two minutes after the last commercial break when they’re beginning to roll the credits and you’ll appreciate what they got going on here.

Yeah, Kaboom was really out there, too far out there probably but at least it was somewhere, you know? Which is a lot farther than most movies want to go nowadays.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack, this is Engineers – Clean Coloured Wire

i’m saying. Nobody was more surprised than i was, except for maybe Miss Demeanor, when the girls started taking off their clothes all over the place. It was like, “OK, even if this movie is gonna be pretty mediocre at least i get to look at pretty girls in their next to nothings for an hour and a half.” So i did.

Beginning with Juno Temple (21), who portrays “London”, an English student who hooks up with tri-sexual Smith [Thomas Dekker]. We get to see a lot of Juno in this film—and often (way more than we did in Mr Nobody, where i already exposed her). We get to see her peeing at the party when she’s introduced and things go up from there, quite literally, because she’s in 2 or 3 sex scenes where she’s not afraid to reveal her sensitive sides (both of them). We also get to see an array of small tats freckling her lovely torso, though the tats are kind of confusing and if it’s for the movie i guess they make some kind of arty statement but if they’re really hers then they say something completely different (like “I thought these would wash off like the ones I got from the gumball machine when I was 12”). Anyway and for once, here’s less of Juno than you’ll see in the movie.

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There’s Juno shots rolling around in my drawers down there. Just keep scrolling down until you hit them.

My big discovery in this movie was Haley Bennett (22) who i’d never seen before and feel bad enough about that as it is so give me a break already. She plays Smith’s lesbian best friend, Stella. One of the sexy things about Stella is she swears a lot and y’all know how i like a girl who knows how to let a good “fuck” roll off her tongue now and again. The cool thing about Stella being a lesbian is we get to see her do lesbian stuff with Lorelei (Roxane Mesquida), a hot brunette i’m gonna talk about in a second, keep your pants on. Or not, make yourself at home. Like there’s some nice kissing in a student cafeteria that really worked for me. Here’s something else that works for me.

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i got some more Haley single shots lined up in my drawers, too.

Which brings us to Roxane Mesquida as Lorelei, who is a lesbian witch able to get Stella (Haley Bennett) off with her special powers and we get to see it. What we don’t get to see, however, are Stella’s boobs because Lorelei titty blocks her during their sex scene. Here’s a better view of Roxane Mesquida.

The talented young Nicole LaLiberte is so talented she plays twins. Not ‘the twins’, just normal twins. Good thing she’s got enough skill for two. Here’s what i mean.

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Open my drawers of you want more shots of her including ones with her lovely freckles…mmmmm, freckles.

Finally, in the coveted role of “Drug Fairy Nymph”, i give you the stunning Brandy Futch.

For those of you more into wicks than bombshells, you’re really in luck ’cause there were tons of guys in this thing. While collecting their pics is about as interesting as talking about hot guys in a bar, i’m all about the equality so i’ll run through these as fast as possible.

Thomas Dekker (22) plays Smith, the lead character who is half bi or something. Anyway, he fantasizes about his roomate, gets banged in the back of a van by some huge black guy and gets caught beating offto gay porn by Stella. Plus he gets to sleep with London [Juno Temple, ‘member?] a lot. Here’s what he looks like.

My favorite guy character was Thor, and Chris Zylka (25) does an excellent job with this part. Thor is a blonde surfer dude who lays on his bed doing excercises so he can suck himself off (see photo) and asks Smith if he’s ever tasted his own sperm, not on purpose but sometimes a little gets in your mouth on accident and he confesses his jizz has a coconut twang. Anyway, there’s a lot of topless hunky shots of Thor, as well as a sex scene between him and this cute girl with overly large boobs (a gross error?) at the very beginning and i looked for the girl in the credits for the silken butterfly section but she’s not listed anywhere. Finishing off Chris, i should also mention we get to see him gay curious in a fantasy to which Smith is making like beef and stroggin-off until the real Thor enters the dorm room and shatters the illusion by banging that girl i just talked about in the last sentence. So here’s Chris…

Finally, even gayer is Jason Olive (38) as Hunter, the guy that bones Smith in the back of his van on the beach after the guys just meet, leading Stella to later confirm that Smith is a slut. Here’s what made him that way.

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Drink: 2½ Shots

So there was the expected number of drink references considering this thing is set at a university, but there was also the added bonus that both Smith [Dekker] and London [Temple] had an alcoholic father that cut out on them when they were younger. So drink played enough of a role in the party for me to increase the strength by half a shot. There was some other drink crap here too, though, like:

[Thor] enters drunk and drops beer bottle

Drunk red head [Nicole LaLiberte] pukes on Smith’s shoes

Slurred Speeches

The fact you randomly stick your dick in some girl doesn’t mean you’re not gay, it just means you have to monitor your drinking.

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

Yeah, yeah, there are those of you out there who’re gonna say my taste in rock is too limited but for me, the closest they came to rock was Placebo during the end credits. Here is, from the juiced-box and the soundtrack, Placebo – The Bitter End.