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Contemporary Trio: Sexuality, maturity, uncertainty

Published: The University News, St. Louis University, 2/25/83

Most of us are faced with nothing but an overwhelming uncertainty when we think of our future. This can be quite disconcerting, especially when considering that those around us--our parents, teachers, and friends--are constantly pressuring us to make decisions, pressuring us to decide what we want out of life before we're even certain what life is. In the end we make the decisions, of course, because we want to appear to others as responsible; nevertheless, most of us remain doubtful as to our own personal wisdom. This creates anxiety. Anxiety, certainly, is commonplace among students at our university.
But often as not, it is a non-productive anxiety, a cowardly anxiety characterized by withdrawal, inhibition, and the weakening of vitality. It is usually an anxiety that causes us to seek out encouragement and affirmation at the cost of all else.
It is no wonder, then, that sustaining a meaningful relationship at the college level is very nearly impossible. Personal intimacy, for most of us, calls to mind rejection rather than affirmation. So instead of risking rejection, the majority of students today choose notto enter into a mature emotional-physical relationship. It seems there is a crisis of social courage; most of us lack the strength necessary for risking ourselves in a search for understanding. Surely, a cowardly isolation is neither noble nor ultimately satisfying. It will lead only to a personal stagnation, an emptiness of the spirit.
When I speak of personal intimacy I am speaking of a relationship in which neither the emotional nor the physical dimensions become dominant. Both aspects must be put into a realistic perspective; there must be meaningful communication at both levels. Why is this so difficult?
Most of us find it impossible to expose ourselves emotionally to others. We are unsure of our dreams, our goals, and our aspirations--the things that make us individuals--and this causes us ultimately to be lacking in self-confidence. Without self-confidence, rejection seems unnecessarily frightening; rather than tell our problems to another, we choose to keep our problems to ourselves. In our silence, then, we mistakenly feel as if we are being strong or even emotionally mature. We feel as if we have suddenly become capable of braving the world alone. And our society, as always, is supportive of these illusions. In one sense personal honesty is an act of submission; thus, sensitivity, in our culture, has become a sign of weakness.
But this is to miss the point. Only the truly courageous are willing to risk themselves in a search for intimacy; it takes strength and self-confidence to stand up to the possibility of rejection. Personal honesty, then, is actually an act of bravery. Those who are sure of themselves are willing to admit their doubts much more readily than those who aren't.
But most of us remain unsure in matters of personal awareness. What, then, are the alternatives to an emotional interaction? Some choose to remain in their rooms and blame their social difficulties on members of the opposite sex. This seems a bit vain; certainly it is no answer. Others decide to substitute a physical intimacy for an emotional intimacy, as physical courage comes much more easily than emotional courage. It is the latter alternative that most of us eventually choose.
Both males and females tend to be genuinely proud that they were created as they were; thus, sexual pride has somehow become confused with sexual dignity. Our pride seems a justification for our promiscuity. In our society, to be naked physically requires much less courage than baring one's self emotionally. Leaping immediately into bed is a shortcut of sorts. It is easier, less emotionally dangerous, and, at least for awhile, more physically pleasurable.
It can be argued that most college-age students haven't yet mastered this ability--that of separating the emotional from the physical in a sexual relationship. But anyone can do it with a little practice and experience, females as well as males. And maybe this isn't good. Sex has become something of the vogue, something that everyone wants to do. And in the process, the value and importance of the sexual act has been nearly forgotten. Our society has learned, in a process that is cowardly as well as protective, to leave the emotions outside the bedroom, where emotions are much more easily handled.
The consequences? I think that they are fairly obvious. If one makes a habit of traveling whimsically from bed to bed it will eventually be at the expense of personal dignity and self-esteem. No one respects another in the morning, not in the situation we are dealing with, and neither do they respect themselves. We have begun to view others merely as mechanical objects. Traditional male-female roles have been all but abolished. The romantic courting of the past, when a rose was a symbol of personal affirmation, has become both unnecessary and impractical. We are, it seems, confused.
But I wouldn't be so prudish as to imply that a one-night stand doesn't have its benefits. As I said at the onset of this essay, a mature relationship requires that both the physical and emotional aspects of a relationship be put into the proper perspective. Without love, sex is not the ultimate fulfillment of anything. This is the lesson of a one-night stand. Sex promises everything before but nothing afterwards, and one must keep this in mind in order that he or she doesn't work towards illusory goals.
In the final analysis, however, an act that is so totally physical as this will have no lasting value, and the consequences will almost surely be derogatory. While every experience can and should be a learning experience, an emotional cowardice is not the answer.
No longer can we deceive ourselves by thinking that a duality between the physical and the emotional will lead to any sort of personal fulfillment. There is a balance involved, and the one realm should inform the other. One's feelings, both emotional and physical, should be dealt with realistically. The termination of a relationship is always something that one will recover from eventually. This is the first step towards a realistic understanding of a relationship. When one can view a relationship objectively, as if he or she were reading his or her story in a novel, then the proper balance has probably been achieved. Objectivity is important. It allows us to consider our partner's feelings as well as our own.
I guess some will take a cynical attitude in regards to this essay. Probably they'll be males and certainly they'll ask me why I bothered. Why did I bother? It would be easy enough, I suppose, to spend every weekend with a different girl, and if one is drunk enough he really isn't expected to feel guilty about it, either. But at some point in one's life this becomes boring. And at this point the game threatens to become an obsession. There is a problem; I only wanted to define it. Make of this essay what you will.