This Magic Formula Perfectly Explains The Way Men Really Think

"There is one common theme in my understanding: Men don't think as much as women do."

Having spent the majority of my twenties in male-dominated environments—Management Consulting, Business School, Silicon Valley, and Wall Street—I've spent a lot of time working with, listening to, observing the habits of, and drawing conclusions about alpha men. And while there is a lot there—much of which I explore in my new book, The Underwriting—there is one common theme in my understanding: Men don't think as much as women do.

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Before I go any further, I want to note that this article does not apply to all men—a lot of men I worked with were incredibly thoughtful, particularly those who had sisters and mothers with careers—but for the purposes of this article I want to discuss the alpha male, dudes-dude whose understanding of feelings is about as developed as his knowledge of shoe designers (read: negligible). By my estimation, this type of man thinks approximately 80 percent less than his female counterpart, and commits a greater overall percentage of his thinking to sex.

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What does this mean, practically?

It means that to understand their view of the world, you need to observe all the thoughts you have in a situation, and then remove all but the most immediately obvious two.

(See video explanation here:)

For example, if you get a text message from a Rob, you probably think: 1) Rob texted; 2) I like/don't like Rob; 3) Why did Rob text at 4pm?; 4) The last time Rob texted was Wednesday: what is that about?; 5) Is Rob sleeping with Catherine?; 6) Is Catherine cuter than me?; 7) Catherine does have great abs: I wonder if she does Pilates; 8) I should not text Rob back: I'm too good for him; 9) Then again, I haven't had sex in six months; 10) But what should I say? And should I use emojis?

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Now, imagine Rob is in the same situation, having received a text from you: He only has the most immediate 20 percent of your thoughts. Rob thinks: 1) She texted; 2) I really would/would not like to see her. That's it.

In a professional context, as on Wall Street, it means that a lot of the gender-based discrimination that is hugely obvious to you is not even hitting his radar. Take the case of my friend Sarah. Sarah recently went to a pitch meeting with her colleague, Joe. After the meeting, the (male) client sent an email to Joe, cc'ing Sarah, that said "Great meeting! Sarah, could you arrange a follow-up call whenever suits Joe's calendar?"

Here's what Sarah thought: 1) The client emailed; 2) The client wants a follow-up; 3) The client thinks I am Joe's assistant. 4) What the hell?! We are peers!; 5) How DARE he?; 6) Did Joe say something after the meeting to undermine me?; 7) Is this because I wore a skirt? Should I have worn pants? 8) I HATE this industry: maybe I should quit; 9) What would Sheryl Sandberg do in this situation?; 10) I'm sending them both an email, but what will I say? How do I navigate this without sounding like a bitch?

Joe didn't get nearly that far. Joe only registered the first 20 percent: 1) The client emailed about a follow-up; 2) Sarah would schedule it. And then his brain stopped.

While this was infuriating to Sarah, it was not an intentional slight by Joe: it's the way his brain has been trained.

Which brings me to the other thing I learned : They're under a lot of pressure. Like, a lot of pressure.

I had a conversation once with a male colleague who asked me what financial success meant to me. "Being able to take care of myself," I answered, honestly. "Cool," he said. "For me, it means taking care of myself, a future wife, and two kids. So take the pressure you feel to make money and multiple it by 7." (He also had an expensive girlfriend.)

I paused. He was right. Society, by and large, still holds men to a significantly higher bar of financial success than it does women. Don't get me wrong: We have all sorts of pressure to be everything to everybody, but the alpha males I've worked with feel one singular pressure which they've been feeling since they were children: They must be able to provide, and not just provide, but provide better than the next guy.

And that pressure matters, because that pressure is why they can be so focused on results, and on their own success, and miss the subtleties (aka, your thoughts 3-10) that occur in the process. For us, as women, to ignore that pressure or its legitimacy or its effects, is just as damaging to the gender-equality game as Joe asking Sarah to ignore the client's put down.

It is so easy to get frustrated, or to slip into a game of who-has-it-worse, but why? Yelling at a man for not getting it is like yelling in Chinese at someone who only speaks English. He'll just look at you funny and neither of you will get anywhere.

What does work, though, is learning to speak his language without foregoing your own. What we need is not to re-train our brains to think like men (how miserable!), nor is it to re-train men to think like women (how chaotic!). Rather, it's to develop a new language that works for both genders, acknowledging the different pressure each of us feels, without getting into a competition about which is worse.

For me, this has meant recognizing the good in how men think, and adding the more results-oriented language to my toolkit. Instead of saying to a boss: "I feel so overwhelmed," I say, "I have a lot to do, can you help me prioritize what is most important?" I also have learned that, at times, it's okay to think a little less than I'm naturally inclined: while I might need more than just the first 20 percent of my thoughts, thoughts 8, 9, and 10 often lead me down a self-defeating spiral that is more grounded in my head than reality. Once I started showing that I could speak their language, men were more open to listening.

One warning: you have to keep these things in balance. It's so tempting to let the floodgates open and list off every idea you have, every wrong you've been dealt, every cut that exists, but resist that urge. You wouldn't ask someone who's just started running to sign up for a marathon, so don't expect men to immediately change or want to hear everything they're doing wrong. And definitely don't expect them to listen or understand your pressures if you're not willing to listen to and understand theirs, too.

Michelle Miller is the author of her newly-released debut novel The Underwriting, which explores the power, sex scandals, and underhand deals of Wall Street.