Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Open Letter to the Dying

What follows below is part of the text of what was originally a private email to a friend of mine in the UK who's dying of a brain tumor. He's a sweet boy, a college-educated John Ruskin scholar who somehow had become one of my erstwhile readers when he has the strength to read my often manic, semi-hysterical polemics.

Then it occurred to me that many of the things I was saying to him should have also been said to those who've made my life the most miserable. So, with my friend's permission, I've decided to turn this screed into an open letter so several other people who used to be loved ones know my state of mind and so you the readers at work and home know something about what's been going on behind the hilarious and fun-filled scenes here at Pottersville.

I knew that the letter I actually wanted to directly write my ex would surely result in yet another trip to the police dept, during which she just as surely would've disingenuously claimed fear of her life. Who knows, she might even succeed in getting the same hack jurist who phoned it in last time to phone another restraining order in. Maybe that one would stick. Either way, it never ceases to amaze me to what degrees our local criminal justice system and constabulary will go to feed this obviously insane woman's unfounded and undocumented delusions.

So I'm counting on her ongoing stalking of my online activities and that of her associates to get wind of this. And let the chips fall where they may. This is still America, this is still my place and I refuse to suffer in silence, anymore. This ongoing situation is eating away at my soul like the cancer eating away at my English friend. It's affecting my relationship with my new g/f, I lost my last real world friend when I told her I was sick and tired of her taking that harpy's side time and again and, as always, my few remaining friends and Pottersville are my only outlets.

D****:

I'm so sorry that things are sliding downhill for your family. I've been thinking about you every day and worrying every day, of course, that I don't hear from you. My life's taken some horrible turns since last winter but nothing to compare with yours. Sometimes, we all need to hear real horror stories so we can get some much-needed perspective and to realign and reappraise how persecuted we truly are in the universe.

Yet, that said, the presumption of guilt until innocence is proven turns on its head something we got from you chaps called the Magna Carta, something that became a quaint notion under the Bush regime. Her restraining order got overturned about 15 hours after she took it out when the judge found no merit to her claim of being in danger of her life. She acted like a bawling idiot when the judge made his ruling. The judge whom the police dept. called the night before literally phoned it in without learning anything about my own past (which contains no history whatsoever of domestic or any other type of violence). His signature wasn't even on the restraining order.

Then, later that day, undeterred, she goes out and gets a No Trespassing order barring me from going to her house. It's like a restraining order except that, unlike the previous order, there's no chance for appeal, no evidence is needed to justify a barring from the premises and it remains, I'm told, in effect in perpetuity (restraining orders have to be renewed once a year). If I go on her property, I can still get arrested.

And she's doing this for no reason other than keeping me from her grandson, something she's been piously telling me she's not doing nor will ever do. It utterly doesn't faze her how much he loves me (The day before she got the restraining order, she likened me to the neighbor's dog, downplaying his feelings for me). She's become so sick, twisted and ugly for some unaccountable reason that she and everyone else is willing to take the love, joy and happiness that that little boy derives from spending time with me.

Yet the self-centered, right wing, two-timing, racist psychopath who began dating my 17 y/o step daughter as a 21 y/o man gets a marriage license and marries into that same family while I got a restraining and No Trespass order as if I'm the dangerous one, as if I was the one stalking around that house threatening with violence anyone who even looked at me cross-eyed, as if I cheated on her with two women and then went after a third that didn't even exist. If I live to be a million, D**** boy, I will never, ever be able to wrap my fucking mind around that.

Anyway, keep me in your thoughts as much as your distracted mind will allow. You know I love you and worry about you.

36 Comments:

Oh, JP... I always hate to begin a conversation with 'you need to", so I won't. I'll just tell you:

I've read you for years, follow and worry about you. Four years ago, my love of 6 years found a sweet young thing, and my exhusband got something like permanently stoned and violent towards me (cause I objected to him endangering our children) and my job evaporated. I was 600 miles from family and resources, and had no choice but to (was told by a judge to) go there and take the kids. 2 year custody battle ensued, wherein he got the kids, because he was still in the same jurisdiction, and I wasn't.

Saving grace, I had re-met an old, old, friend, fell head over heels in love (and safe with him) and married him, both of us prepared to raise my kids and his. He carried me out of the courtroom the day we lost the kids- I was a puddle in the floor and the judge was about to put me in jail for not being 'civil' in court.

It's been hard, I cannot describe to you how hard. Destitute, foreclosure on the house, no children, no job, and there have been many (most) days where it was better just to not wake up, even though I must, 'cause that man loves me, and he's not stupid, or one to waste time on a lost cause.

There have been doctors and antidepressants and therapy and 'suck it up'. There's been sleepless nights and a bit of self harm and liquor, and I feel like everyone looks at me like I'm gonna go batshit crazy at any moment. Find postmodernista diaries at dailykos if you want to distract yourself with sorrow you didn't have to experience directly.

But about a week ago, the sun came out. I've had 10 good days in a row, unmedicated, and I can speak in complete sentences again. (former college professor here). I'm hopeful there will be more such days.

Time, and distance, are necessary, and the more time that passes, the more distance you can put, will help. I wanted to write this to you months ago, but couldn't, physically, mentally, put the words down. Give yourself some time, and let your fiancee be your fiancee, instead of the person who has to be rational. Let her just care about you. Breathe. And again. Right now, you may not be able to do anything productive with the hurt and anger, though people will tell you to. I repeat, time and distance. I know you love the boy, and I know it ain't fucking fair. Breathe.

We think about you fondly and with hopeful thoughts here in Texas. Forgive me for unsolicited advice.

Jill: Thanks for sharing but I don't see how your experience is relevant to either my experience or my psycho, delusional ex (except the part about meeting an old, old friend. The unfaithful bitch began getting sweet on him before I even moved out of the house and even lied to me about not having someone else).

The problem with your advice is that I can't move on as long as that cunt has that No Trespass order hanging over my head for the rest of my life. That is another black mark I neither need nor deserve. It's a classic illustration of what I've been saying all year: When I play the rules, I still get boned. When I don't strictly play by the rules, I get boned even harder. In other words, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

What's really tragically despicable about this is the fact that she very likely has brain lesions. We saw them about 5-6 years ago when she got her CAT scans back. At first, I tried to talk her out of it, reassuring her that just because you see white spots in a cerebral CAT scan it doesn't mean it's indicative of incipient dementia.

Now I'm convinced it is. She never had a followup done even though I've advised her to and, of course, she laughed at me. Robert never knows what he's talking about. Yet the Hudson PD and the courts insist on feeding this woman's ravings and delusions without once taking into account that she's slipping into irrevocable, irreversible insanity.

Yet her behavior the year has taken a radical nosedive. She's got everyone in that fucking family thinking they're living in a state of siege and she didn't even wake up when the judge immediately threw her restraining order in the circular file where it belonged. Instead, some idiot at the courthouse advised her to get this No Trespass order that prevents me from seeing my grandson. I also cannot move on as long as she's taking control out of his parents' hands and keeping me from seeing him. My very legitimate relationship with Gavin ought not be legitimized with a relationship with her.

The kid calls me "Poppy" and runs up to me and wraps his little arms around my leg when he sees me. When I pick him up, he "hugs" me by putting his head on my chest. He genuinely loves me.

But to show you what a sick, twisted, hard, embittered, nasty, ungrateful harpy she's turned into these past 12 months, none of that makes any difference. She's so sick and twisted that she ignores all that and is perfectly willing, as is everyone in that viper's nest that's charitably referred to as a "family", to take love and joy out of a little two year-old boy's life. Forget about her doing that to me. Doing that to a two year-old is almost the lowest thing one can do.

Yet someone who truly does have a criminal history of violent behavior (Ingrid's not the only one who has friends in the Hudson, MA PD. I've been doing some checking up on him, too) gets to marry into that family with a clean slate and equally squeaky clean memories. Forgotten is the 11 month period of infidelity to my ex stepdaughter beginning the month her knocked her up and conducted while living under my roof and acting like the victim when confronted with his treachery, forgotten are all the threats, acts of intimidation, racist comments, ingratitude.

He got a marriage license and I got a restraining order.

There is no God and if there is, He's just as delusional and insane as Ingrid and everyone else in that snake pit that she calls a house.

OMG! I could not bring myself to read the letter you wrote to your friend. I can't believe you would actually believe that you can compare your angst to someone who is dying of cancer. See the difference here is that you have created your situation your friend was unfortunately handed his. Is it really a surprise to you that you continue to find yourself in this never ending pathetic cycle? It's all cause and effect my friend you don't work you don't get paid therefore you don't have rent money, if you have your fiancé move in with you and find them a job but, not one for yourself and essentially become their dependant they kind of start to resent you. I don't think I would have accepted a marriage proposal from someone who said I don't have a job or money darling but, don't worry I have a donate button on my blog, we are going to be just fine. You have not been able to hold down a steady decent job for years. Your ex gave you the boot because you spent all your time sitting in judgment of everyone else on your blog while she was working full time to support the family that you claim abandoned you. You abandoned them years ago with your anti social, delusional, pitiful self righteous behavior. Even your friend of many years can no longer stomach standing by your side watching you take from everyone, giving nothing in return but criticism all the while never owning up to having any role in the destructive situations you find yourself. So, now you find yourself being alienated by everyone in your life including your current love interest and you still are convinced that it's everyone else? And yes your ex has brain lesions, we all do that is why we are all against you. We had the brain lesions inserted by the aliens when they abducted everyone but, you and gave us anal probes.

My friend, whose situation I'd plainly said was infinitely worse than mine, gave me his blessing to post that letter (edited for content), even though I and not he wrote it. However, rather than dwelling on his terminal illness, he was considerate enough to write me to tell me he thought it was deplorable that someone can be judged guilty until proven innocent. Hence my reference to the Magna Carta (a man should be considered innocent until proven guilty.). Ergo, I was merely responding to his points, not engaging in some tragedy sweepstakes as you're ignorantly asserting.

Now, to show how ignorant and ill-informed you truly are, you said that I haven't held a steady job in years. Until I got laid off, I worked at my last job for over 5 1/2 years. In fact, my steadiness and longterm status in that company earned the enmity of a certain person who also happens to share the same name as Obama's Religious Affairs Director.

The last job I had before that I held down for over 2 1/2 years, when I worked my way up from the floor to being a QC inspector. I lost those jobs through no fault of my own. But claiming I haven't held a steady job in years reveals your neverending ignorance. My last 5 1/2 years in that family showed a reliability and consistency that I hadn't shown or had been permitted to demonstrate in the previous 10. But I will not take total responsibility for the job market and economy turning to dog shit.

The Paypal button is something I'd resisted for years putting up because I didn't think it ethical to put one up on a free account, even though many bloggers do it. For that reason (plus the relative lack of traffic) I didn't take advertising. I always liked the idea of giving it away and to not be dependent on outside contributions. But finally, when circumstances prevailed upon me to do so, considering the upheaval that had been forced upon my life, I put one up and I do not apologize for the generosity and compassion shown by my REAL readers.

As for my not having a job while my fiancee has one, I will also not apologize to an anonymous online crank because her 17 years of experience as a graphic arts designer landed her in another sign shop. When I finally had access to a car, we both went out every weekday in that sweltering car during a month-long heat wave and hit every industrial park in a 10 mile radius submitting applications and resumes and not taking no for an answer.

Paypal is not my only source of income, In fact, I've gotten exactly one donation in the last month. I'm still on unemployment, which was partly subsidized through my tax dollars. I and millions are on unemployment (out of which I pay $103 a week in child support) and, once again, I do not and will not apologize for being forced to apply when I got laid off from my last job.

Lastly, whatever change I'd undergone once I became politically aware didn't impact as much on my family as you are alleging. Since you didn't live in that house, you are, as always, springing from a position of complete and utter ignorance. As far as my political beliefs went, I was totally alone in my own home and it became increasingly clear that just to be a contrary bitch, Ingrid would reflexively take the opposite side of whatever few arguments I would make, including claiming that tomato migrant workers get what they asked for and for putting themselves in the position of being brutally exploited by produce companies. Obviously, a liberal like me will not let such right wing rubbish go unchallenged.

But the bottom line is that I literally worked myself into the poor house years after year without having the means to buy health or dental insurance or even decent shoes on my feet because the bills had to be paid and I was usually the sole source of food. I not only helped support a household of which I was never officially a part, I also helped her raise her kids. I did all the things that a dad and not a stepdad is expected to do. Even after I moved out, I was still obliged to put gas in peoples' cars and buy diapers, formula, milk, food and whatever else for my grandson because his real parents couldn't or wouldn't. In fact, one of them still owes me a lot of money.

In the end, it earned me not one bit of support when she gave me the old heaveho. The woman stalks me and harasses me to the point where neither my g/f or I feel safe in our own home.

And here you are, some anonymous, ignorant crank with an obvious partisan axe to grind, squirting sewage at me from the shadows of anonymity and judging my every move. You think I'm such an opportunistic person? Take a trip to Hudson, MA some time and check out the right wing monster that just married into that family and you'll see an opportunistic, self-centered predator.

Oh I see so you only keep posted what you want your bloggers to see. Does the truth hurt? Why did you erase my last response? If I am so wrong then post what I wrote and respond to it for all to see. I thought that you welcomed open discussion. You are no better than Fox News censoring what your readers see to better serve your own agenda.

who are you to bring my personal life into your delusional online one?

stop talking about me and my family, and maybe focus on the new life you have created for yourself.

Gavin is not your Grandson, i believe the cops have already told you that much.

Stop sobbing over your sad sorry excuse for a life, and try to think about how you can better yourself, make friends (HAH).

I do not expect to see and/or hear anything of me or my family being talked about on your sorry ass blog again.

leave us alone, because honestly, i want nothing more than to forget you ever existed, but obvioulsy with you talking shit about myself and my husband, my wonderful husband, i may add, it's difficult to ignore. You're just lucky he doesn't know you're talking about him.

MOVE THE FUCK ON DOUCHEBAG!!! I hate you more than anything in the world. You fucking fuck.

No, no threats. Just a statement. You or your mother send that psycho to my house for any reason, I'll defend myself, my family and my home like I was trained to do on Coronado Island. I'll do it very, very well and there won't be a fucking jury in the land that'll convict me.

And you're a fine one to talk about my threatening anyone, considering your sociopath husband's conduct since Day One.

Get one thing straight, Sweetcheeks: This is my blog and there's such a thing as the First Amendment. I'm not going to listen to some foul-mouthed 20 year-old gum popper when she tells me to shut up and suffer in silence. I don't troll your silly little Facebook and Myspace pages.

So I have to ask you, your mother and your equally dysfunctional friends to stop trolling my blog every day and stalking me online. And if you do troll me and spread the usual tired lies, don't expect me not to hit back.

"Trolling your blog?" Yup, I was wondering when "the douchebag" as you so generously refered to her, was going to decide she had enough.By the way, you really shouldn't mention other people's medical problems and you libelous opinions about them. That is clearly actionable."Gavin is not your Grandson, i believe the cops have already told you that much."

O yeah, pork, you made a nice little bed for yourself. But that's real good, you just keep working that "I love my grandson line" That'll work out good.

Listen pal, if I were you, I'd make sure Lenore never posted here again. That's the only way you will ever be able to convince anybody you are anything but a creep who wouldn't commit and now can't let go.

She makes a hell of a lot more sense than you do.

I've been checking back every so often since you announced at Hullabaloo that "the douchebag" was through with you. And you have not disappointed me in the least, You are running true to form.

"The unfaithful bitch began getting sweet on him before I even moved out of the house..."

No woman owes you faithfulness unless you marry her. Stop complaining, you had more than enough time to do that. But using that kid "my grandson" as a way to play off your obsession and desire to control your ex is what is gonna get you in real trouble.But that's what you want, I'm pretty sure. You just keep working at it, you'll get there.

>That's the only way you will ever be able to convince anybody you are anything but a creep who wouldn't commit and now can't let go.<

Yeah, isn't it shocking how, in over 15 years of living with her and her kids, I could never find it within myself to commit? Shocking, really.

Look, I appreciate you taking such an interest in my personal life but I think it's time you got your own instead of dropping comments here every 3 minutes.

However, if you're someone I used to know, then it's worth pointing out that you appear to be spending more time trolling my blog and accusing me of stalking others than you are attending to your pathetic excuse for a life.

Still, I suppose I ought to take a devoted fan base any way I can. Now, if you don't mind, I'm getting back to politics. TTFN...

Stop talking shit, we'll stop 'trolling your blog'. we stop 'trolling your blog' we all move on, we all are happy, minus you of course, because you're a miserable prick regardless of the people in your life. either way, stopping the shit talk is the best for all of us.

"Thanks for sharing but I don't see how your experience is relevant to either my experience or my psycho, delusional ex (except the part about meeting an old, old friend. The unfaithful bitch began getting sweet on him before I even moved out of the house and even lied to me about not having someone else)."

Maybe if you moved out the first time she asked you to leave that wouldn't have been a problem.

"What's really tragically despicable about this is the fact that she very likely has brain lesions. We saw them about 5-6 years ago when she got her CAT scans back. At first, I tried to talk her out of it, reassuring her that just because you see white spots in a cerebral CAT scan it doesn't mean it's indicative of incipient dementia.

Now I'm convinced it is. She never had a followup done even though I've advised her to and, of course, she laughed at me. Robert never knows what he's talking about."

It amazing that you are the only one that remembers these appointments. No one else, even her, have any idea what you're talking about. Yet she is the one slipping into an "irrevocable, irreversible insanity". Riiiiight. You've got me convinced.

"The kid calls me "Poppy" and runs up to me and wraps his little arms around my leg when he sees me. When I pick him up, he "hugs" me by putting his head on my chest. He genuinely loves me."

If a toddler saw a pitbull he would probably run up to it and wrap his arms around him showing the dog genuine love, But we don't let children play with rabid dogs now do we?

If a child saw a man with candy I'm sure that child will show gratitude and trust that man. Does that mean we should let children play with child molesters?

"Forget about her doing that to me. Doing that to a two year-old is almost the lowest thing one can do." The child is 2. Taking away is bottle was more hurtful then removing you from his life. You had the chance to be a father to those kids. You have clearly shown on your blog that you are not capable of being a fatherly figure. Never in a million years would a father post his daughters life on a blog and turn it into a sick twisted story. You may not understand but it is not possible for a father to have those emotions towards his daughter. So don't try to seem like Mr. Good Guy in this because you failed to show those children love so why should they let you do the same towards their own children. Why on earth would they put the loves of their lives through the same torment and depression that you brought to them?

"Look, I appreciate you taking such an interest in my personal life but I think it's time you got your own instead of dropping comments here every 3 minutes."

So you understand. Why don't you do the god damned same thing!!???!! You make NNNOOOOO sence what so ever. "lets tell ppl to get a life while I sit here and write about everyone else's"!!!!!! I'd stop talking about republicans if I were you. You're just giving more proof to the fact that you, along with many democrats, are complete and utter hypocrites.

Yeah, isn't it shocking how, in over 15 years of living with her and her kids, I could never find it within myself to commit? Shocking, really.

It sure as hell is. There are kids involved. The only way you can do anything for them and her, is to get married and stabilise the situation. You may keep telling yourself that shacking up, playing house, is the same, but it's not.And man o man, what a twisted sense of entitlement, combined with an almost socio-pathic passive-agressive syndrome you have.

Stop talking shit, we'll stop 'trolling your blog'. we stop 'trolling your blog' we all move on, we all are happy, minus you of course, because you're a miserable prick regardless of the people in your life. either way, stopping the shit talk is the best for all of us.

Thanks,

Peace out fuck face.

Your mother and I did such a good job raising you, didn't we? You are perhaps the biggest failure in my life.

And I think you and I both know that that late phone call will come to your mother's house, with you crying to be rescued and your racist, right wing psychopath hubby Josh screaming in the background.

That night will come and I cannot promise that I'll be a big enough man to visit you in CCU and not say, "I told you so."