The Woman Who Fed Squirrels Too Much

Annick Richardson not only feeds peanuts to the squirrels who frolic about on her yard, but also allegedly enters her neighbors' properties to feed their squirrels as well. This is how she ended up being charged with two counts of criminal trespassing.

"I'm trying to refrain myself," she says about her habit, which, she admits, has become "excessive." Oh well, it's still better than being addicted to bath salts or crack, right? Maybe not: If convicted, she could go to jail for 60 days and be subject to a "hefty" fine.

Lest you think that Richardson's excessive squirrel-feeding is a victimless crime, consider this: Squirrels have "destroyed" some of her neighbors' gardens and chewed through some wiring on her neighbor's car. Another neighbor—whom we'll call "Peanut-Free Grandmom"—had to move away so that her peanut-allergic grandson didn't die after ingesting one of Richardson's deadly squirrel nuts. In October, the FBI busted a cell of squirrels who had been plotting to destroy the Internet in Richardson's Kettering, Ohio neighborhood. Okay, maybe the Internet plot isn't true but all that other stuff is.

Given her gentle demeanor and the cute woodland creature aspect of her crime, Richardson's story seems like prime material for a children's book. A conservative telling could emphasize the importance of self-restraint and have Richardson sent off to jail, with none of the greedy-ass squirrels deigning to visit her on her behalf. She emerges from jail bitter and resolved never to feed another squirrel again. A more liberal version could serve as a polemic on the detrimental consequences of over-enforcement of criminal laws, complete with squirrel-backed uprising against the local police and pepper-spray scenes. If one of you unemployed 99 percenters takes one of ideas and runs with it, please send a cut of all sales c/o Gawker.