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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

After all the Christmas goodies on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, Amber, the kitten that Mrs. AOW and I got a few months ago, and I have settled in for our long winter's nap:

Amber has celebrated her first Christmas. What a hoot!

On Christmas Eve, she freaked out when she saw those big flakes of snow flying around.

On Christmas morning, Amber got so excited about her Christmas present - a catnip toy - that she flipped up in the air and came down in her water dish! Mrs. AOW couldn't grab the camera in time, of course. Amber was off and running to get away from all that spilled water.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Sometimes, when I go to the VFW, I throw a few bucks into the football pool. Just to join in with the guys. I hardly ever win the pool.

Yesterday, I won the pool for the second quarter of the Redskins game!

Because the VFW is closed for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I won't collect until Wednesday at the earliest.

When I do collect, I'm going to give Mrs. AOW the 50 bucks. I never know what to buy her for Christmas. This year was worse than most years because, ever since she lost all that weight over the summer, she doesn't even want candy anymore! Candy used to be my old standby for something to give her.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy

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Dear Timmy

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.*

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

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Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "Naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Timmy

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Timmy,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided.

Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court.

Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

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Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you’re just disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want.

WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

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Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny gang banger wannabe?

"He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake".

Sound familiar, genius?

You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal? I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement.

You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

I-65 will be closed tomorrow across Tennessee and Kentucky. They are hauling a 200 ton lump of coal to Mount Rushmore in South Dakota so they can add Barack Hussein Obama to the Mount Rushmore monument.

B. H. Obama has stated on national TV that he believes himself to be the fourth greatest U.S. President, behind Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln but greater than Theodore Roosevelt.

They had to settle for coal, because they couldn't find a 200 ton piece of shit.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

As a pathologist was making the first incision at autopsy in New York in 1964, the “corpse” suddenly leaped up and seized the poor man by the throat. The corpse lived, but the pathologist suffered a cardiac arrest and died on the spot.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Before the blood had even stopped flowing, the liberals were screaming about the need for more gun control.

THE PROBLEM IS NOT GUNS! THE REAL PROBLEM IS THE LOSS OF MORALS IN OUR SOCIETY!ANOTHER PROBLEM IS THAT PARENTS DON'T TELL THEIR KIDS, "NO! STOP THAT!"JUST LOOK AT THE DAMN TV SHOWS AND VIDEO GAMES NOWADAYS!

Give me the Western channel and reruns from way back when - not the awful stuff kids watch today.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Today is the first day of Mrs. AOW's Christmas vacation, so we're going Christmas shopping at one of the big local malls. I am looking forward to having a day out!

This will be an all day trip. We'll eat lunch at the mall, too.

I am so much better this year, so this shopping trip should be much easier than any we have taken in the past.

I plan to shop for myself at the bookstore. I need some new joke books!

Mrs. AOW has a few items that she wants to get at Macy's. While she's occupied with looking for those items, I'm going to look around the mall to see if I can find a Christmas present for her. She has mentioned a few things that she'd like to have.

Mrs. AOW is going to drive the Crown Vic to the mall. That way, we'll have a place to put the packages. She will likely have to make several trips to the parked car so that we don't have to lug packages all over the place. Besides, if we have our own car at the mall, that way we don't have a coming-home time already set and can take our time with this expedition.

I will travel to the mall on MetroAcess, and Mrs. AOW will meet me there. I'll be using my scooter for this shopping expedition.