Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Little Beaner, Rest In Peace

Hi Catherine,

Don't know if you remember me, but it's Marie. You helped me with my beautiful baby girl Beaner. I had been wanting to let you know about this, but I know you have your own stuff you are going through and well I didn't know how to say it... But I just wanted to let you know that my baby girl Mia passed away On Oct 27, 2008 due to SIDS. She was 13 1/2 weeks old and getting so big! Its so hard to believe that its going on 3 months that she's been gone. I would tell myself, "tell Catherine next week" but next week turned into well this long.... Thanks for all you did for us when I needed people there for me... I just thought you would want to know....Always,Marie

I never met Beaner. I never held her hand or touched her cheek. I knew her only through a story that her mother told me, pictures that she sent me, the fragments of a life that she shared and that became, somehow, strangely, briefly, intertwined with my own.

You can read her story here, and here. It's a beautiful story, the story of a child who was so loved that her mother fought back all of her fear to keep her, for better or for worse, for the sake of a life that she wanted to nurture as her own, on her own terms. Her mother reached out to me, and to you, to all of you, for support and guidance and she drew some of her strength from that and she made the bold step of clasping Beaner to her heart and deciding to never let go and that, that was amazing. Deciding to never let go can be a difficult choice - for some, the wrong choice, an impossible choice - but she made it and she was happy and she kept her Beaner and Beaner was loved.

And now Beaner is gone, and I don't know, I just don't know what to say, because this was the story that was supposed to have the happy ending and although I tell myself that Marie had her Beaner for all the time that Beaner had on this earth, and that that is wonderful, that that is a gift, it remains that to have such a precious gift and then to have it snatched away is tragic beyond measure. So I don't what to say. And it is not, in any case, my place to say. It is not my right, to sing an elegy for Beaner, to wring philosophy from her death. Not my right at all.

I didn't know Beaner - little Mia Catherine - but she found her way into a corner of my heart, and there she remains, this child I did not know and will never know but do love, a little, from a distance, from - now - a tragic distance, nonetheless. There she remains, and there she is mourned, and there she will be remembered.

Rest in peace, Mia Catherine. You touched more hearts than you could know.

You can leave condolences to Maria in the comments. She'll be reading, and I know that the support will mean so much to her.

Then - as I insisted last week, not knowing how soon I would be confronted by the demands of my own words - hug your children. And your moms. And anyone whose heart touches yours. And be grateful.

Maria,I am so, so sorry. I've been following this story since Catherine first wrote about it and I'm hearbroken to hear of what happened. You were a great mother for that short time and Mia was lucky to have you.

My heart goes out to you. Losing a child is the hardest thing anyone should have to face.

When my infant niece passed away a few years ago, and her Grandmother was holding her in her arms for the last time, knowing she would soon be gone, she looked out the window of the hospital and saw a pink sky.

Whenever I see a pink sky, I think it must be all the little girl's in heaven who create it. I will think of Mia when I see one.

I am just stunned. I read that story and hoped for Marie to keep Beaner, and was so happy when she did, and thrilled to see the picture of the lovely little girl that Beaner was...and I hoped for updates, but never anything like this. I'm sorry. It's not enough and it doesn't express what I feel, but I'm sorry is all I can think of to say. What a terrible thing for a parent to endure.

Oh Maria. I am so sorry for your loss. And sorry doesn't even begin to say it. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your surviving children, and little Mia. I have lost a child unexpectedly and can begin to imagine your grief. It takes a long time, but eventually they more more alive within you. Blessings, Cindy

i'm certainly not going to be so crass as to say, "it should make you feel better to know..." because what can make you feel better except time and your own path of healing? but i do think you deserve to know that your story, your beaner, really did touch SO many lives. more than you'll ever be able to know for sure.

I am so tremendously sorry for your loss. My oldest daughter died when she was 8 months old, I know how much it hurts me, so I can imagine how much you are hurting.I just wrote a pretty lengthy blog post the other day about loss, if you're feeling up to it, go on over and read it. Tomorrow I will have another post about loss for those who have a loved one whose child has died. -- http://prairie-mama.blogspot.comMany prayers for you and your family.

Marie, your story and your family were inspirational to me. They still are. My condolences to you and Lil Man and Itty Bitty on your loss, and my prayers go to you for healing. May the memories of baby Mia bring you more joy than sorrow as time passes. In light---

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I had thought of you and little Beaner often since this post, and hoped that things were going well for you and your family. I had so hoped for a better outcome for all of you. I know there isn't anything that I can say to console you, but know that you're in my thoughts, and have been.

My heart is saddened by your loss and mere words do not say enough, yes we are strangers but we are parents together we share your pain. Glad you had her in your life as difficult as things have turned. Hugs to you all.

Maria, My heart is breaking for you. My prayers and thoughts are with you. I can feel your strength and love and it is an example to me of the reason we're here: to share, love, cry and rejoice together. I wish you the very best.

My posting any of Marie's/Beaner's story has only ever been my idea. She originally only left a comment on this blog and I responded to her and asked her to e-mail me so that I could respond privately. I subsequently asked, after we had corresponded, if I could share her story. And then after we had corresponded again, I asked again.

I have no reason to believe that the correspondence that she and I have shared is based on any sort of falsehood. I certainly haven't shared all of our correspondence, nor any of the e-mails in their entirety, so I don't know on what basis they should be doubted.

In any case, does it matter? Really? What is gained by doubting the story? Some greater security in the protective blanket of cynicism? Doubt here, is, I think, lose/lose: if the story is true (as I believe it to be), then the allegation is cruel. If it is false, then doesn't there remain some deep tragedy here, some figurative loss, that a child would be 'killed off' deceptively to get our attention?

I don't know what there is to gain from doubting the story. I do know that there is much to lose. I chose not to lose.

WOW Anonymous, some times speaking these words is uncalled for. Catherine is definitely not looking for attention or a reaction.

She's dealing with her grief, and reminding us all to hold life more precious to our hearts because of how quickly it can be lost. If you want to take her words and assume something cynical and dark, then do so - but next time think before you speak, because hearing that just upset her all the more.

I did not mean that Catherine was looking for any kind of reaction and I'm sorry if my words hurt anyone. I have see other bloggers and kind people on message boards be taken by malicious people with phony stories.

I am hoping that this is NOT the case here and that Catherine was not fooled by someone taking advantage of her kind and well meaning heart.

There are no words to ease the pain from losing a child. I hope in the moments when you need strength the most, you feel the prayers being said for you and your family. So sorry for your loss.

HBM...that was a wonderful response to the anonymous..and I'll never understand people that post a comment hidden behind their computer screen...I've enjoyed your writing for over a year now..thank you for sharing Marie's story with us......

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you HBM for remembering Mia. For anonymous i'm sorry you feel the way you do and i hope you will never have to go thru what i am going thru. To accuse me of lying is out of line, you don't know me. And you don't know the hell I've been thru this past 10 weeks. One thing i have learned is life is too short n i'm done wasting my precious time on you. thank you for everyone else's sincere and genuine thoughts. Marie

Anonymous: I understand, I do. And I don't want you to get bashed about here for raising the issue. It's just that it's such a dark issue, and does cast a shadow, and, god, it kinda makes my tummy hurt just thinking about it, from all angles (not least - Marie will read this, and my god, ouch. If someone suggested to me that my nephew's story were false, for example, I would lose my mind a little.)

I get the concern; I know of people who have been duped by stories. But that's not the case here. (To what extent it would matter if it were is an entirely different question and one that just messes with my head entirely.)

Anonymous - I've deleted your original comment. Please don't take this as censorship - my reason for removing it was not to close off inquiry but remove anything that might hurt Marie and in any way tarnish these condolences.

I'm deeply sorry that your little Mia was only with you for a painfully short amount of time. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child, and wish you and your family healing in this incredibly hard time.

No need for apologies HBM...Thank you for being there. I can honestly say it just makes the hurt worse knowing that there are people out there who would think someone would lie about something so heart breaking... thanks again hbm. Marie

There are no words that I can write or say that can take any of the pain away. There are no amount of hugs and kisses that can give Mia Catherine back to you. There are no right things to do, no perfect solution. This is when things get hard and un-perfect. This is when love comes in. This is when you see the love that you have found so quickly through people you never have met face to face. This is where you see how you and Mia have touched lives. This is when I send my love to you and say that if there is anything I can do to help, just ask. I know that there might not be anything that I can do other than say "I'm here and I care," but know that I am here and I do care. I'm keeping precious Mia Catherine in my thoughts and I know she's waiting for you to be able to hold her in your arms again. She's smiling at you right now, and whispering, "Momma, look at how much you are loved. Look Momma! They love you, and I do too."

Marie, I'm so deeply sorry for what's happened. I know that pain... not of the same circumstance but I also had a baby who died at six weeks of age.

I know it's meant well but the "your baby is in a better place" thing makes me grimace. The 'better place' is in the arms of mama. Period. And this is hard, so hard, to have those arms empty. It's just an awful, backwards thing and Marie, I'm just so sorry you're there, in this darkness.

If you would like the company of other mamas who understand - and who have found some light and love again in life (or who persist in chasing it) - you can find us gathered together at www.glowinthewoods.com.

Maria, my deepest, heartfelt condolences to you. I cannot even begin to put myself in your position. Know that we are all thinking of you and sending all the most positive thoughts and living prayers to you through cyberspace and the universe.

This breaks my heart. Truly. I have been there and know how devastating and shocking SIDS is.

I think one of the most difficult things was the sadness and worry that my baby would be forgotten. He was only 3 months old, how could he possibly have time to leave his imprint on the world? Would anyone care or remember him other than my family?

It was very painful for me.

Enter the internet and the bloggity world.

I don't know how involved you are in the online world but as a mom who has been there and who has shared the story of my son and our loss with the web, I just want to throw my 2 cents in to see if it can be any comfort to you.

I read all the comments and know that thoughtless remark must have stung and hurt. I know you are protective of your baby, as you should be and any hint of negativity must be extremely painful.

I have also been there. I have had my share of negativity after choosing to share the story of my son online.

BUT!

SO many people have read his story and so many good, wonderful things have happened in memory of him and because of him. More than I ever thought would be possible.

Because I shared his story he will not be forgotten. He is remembered and loved and his story has touched many, just as your little one's has here.

I am so glad Catherine shared your story with us. I am so sad for your loss.

This story has touched many of us. I have thought of you often since your story first appeared and I know I will continue to think of you and your little one.

She and you are cared about.

Try to remember that the love and good vastly outweigh any bad. It usually helps my heart. I hope that it helps yours.

I am terribly sorry for Maria's loss. That type of tragedy is my biggest fear. My deepest condolences go out to her.

(Along those lines, as the mother of a newborn, SIDS is my daily fear. I find myself worrying about it ALL DAY LONG. How do Moms get through that fear? I'm afraid to worry to little and afraid to worry to much. Any advice commenters? I hope this isn't the wrong place/time to ask.)

Marie,I am so, so sorry for your loss. I remember your story and your beautiful little girl. As HBM said, your little Mia is mourned and will be remembered.

There really are no words for such a loss. I have faced the terrifying prospect of losing my infant when he was in the NICU, but for whatever reason, he miracuously defied the doctors. My heart just breaks for other moms who do have to go through that loss.

These are not my words, they are Barbara Kingsolver's. But they have held up a poultice to my heart when it has been heavy with grief. I offer them here in they hope that they will somehow help you on your journey. "It used to be, on many days, that I could close my eyes and imagine myself perfectly happy. I have wondered lately if that feeling will ever come back. It's a worthy thing to wonder, but maybe being perfectly happy is not the point. Maybe that is only some modern dream of the point, while the truer measure of humanity is the distance we must travel in our lives, time and time again, "twixt two extremes of passion - joy and grief," as Shakespeare put it. However much I've lost, what remains to me is that I can still speak to name the things I love. And I can look for safety in giving myself away to the world's least losable things."

as I just placed my 3-week old infant in her bouncy seat with the hope that she will sleep for a while, I now long to pick her back up in my arms and cuddle her... as the tears run down my face, and my heart aches for Marie... I'm so sorry for your loss, and can only imagine the grief... and it hurts me... sending love & prayers to you Marie... and to you Catherine, for spreading the word, and all that you do... {hugs}