What to do when adult children move home

CHICO &GT;&GT; It may seem a relatively new social phenomenon that grandparents care for their grandchildren. But Madeline Hawdon said it's not a trend. It can't be blamed on factors such as parents' drug addiction or a poor economy.

What Howdon believes about grandparents raising grandchildren is the result of what she has seen through many years.

"The parents may be in jail, they may have a drug problem. They could be sick or depressed, but that's not typical. What is typical is neglect. It's really nothing new."

She has witnessed enough families through the years to make that conclusion. "Some people need a little help in standing up for themselves, and others take advantage," she said.

At 86, Hawdon speaks from experience. She worked for years as a teacher and director in Head Start child care, and later, taught community college, retiring at 83. She worked in Santa Clara County, in Arizona and Pennsylvania, and said preschools sharing a campus with high schools were typical.

"It's a way for young mothers to finish high school," she said, adding she was surprised to see only one similar high school in Chico.

'A little push'

When their children are having serious personal troubles, people often can't stand the thought of their grandchildren entering the foster care system, so they take on the responsibility. "The problem is it can be too much. They don't take care of themselves and often, their kids are taking advantage of them. Sometimes, grandparents need a little push to realize that."

Hawdon's "little push" comes in the form of classes she leads through Osher Lifelong Learning Institute, Chico State University's learning-in-retirement program. Hawdon has led four sessions, and another is planned for the fall semester.

Hawdon moved to Chico two years ago to be near one of her daughters. Meeting the people involved with OLLI and Chico Newcomers Club, she said, provided the social network she needed.

She decided to share her interest in grandparents raising their grandchildren, and through OLLI, has led four sessions of "Support Group for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren/or Living with Adult Children." A particular topic is explored at each gathering.

She said participants help each other find answers for difficult situations.

"They are relieved, and they bond with each other," she said. "That's the idea. It's meant to be a forum for them to talk about issues and share experiences. I don't provide answers."

Hawdon said her main goal in helping grandparents is to develop strategies. "I try to help them get ideas on how to set limits. By raising their grandchildren, they're doing the right thing, but there should still be limits."

Supporting or enabling

It's not that parents should never help their grown children, Hawdon said, but understanding the difference between supporting and enabling is important.

"I raised a big family — eight children, and once they were out on their own, they never moved back home. They never wanted to."

She thinks the way her children moved on was pretty typical of children who grew up in the 1950s and '60s, and concedes that the current depressed economy has led to adult children moving home with their parents. This aspect of dealing with adult children is also addressed in her OLLI classes.

"When kids graduate from college today, they often have huge student loans and it's much harder to find a good job. They have to take lower-paying jobs, and that means they won't buy a house. It affects everything.

"When kids can't afford to make it on their own, that's an issue. But then, there are jobs out there. Sometimes they should take a job even if it's not what they really want."

That said, Hawdon also has seen parents pay for things she does not see as their responsibility. "They often continue to pay for their adult children's cellphones, auto insurance and health insurance," she said.

"More adult kids coming home is a newer situation, but there have always been issues for grandparents."

Hawdon's class will be one of dozens this fall through OLLI at Chico State University. For details, and to find out about becoming a member, visit http://rce.csuchico.edu/osher

CHICO &GT;&GT; According to the Kids Count Data Center and the U.S. Census Bureau, 3 percent of children in California were raised by their grandparents in 2012. To put that in perspective, that figure was 2 percent in Nebraska and 8 percent in Mississippi.

Nancy Collins is well acquainted with this world. She raised two grandsons, and the youngest just graduated from high school. One thing that helped her get through an often-difficult situation was support meetings offered by Butte College Foster/Kinship Care Program.

In fact, she and registered nurse Sue Patricio facilitate the gatherings. While meetings were originally geared to grandparents, now they include anyone who is raising another's child.

"The point is self-care, but there is also a lot of discussion about what's going on. People interact and exchange ideas. Some of the kids have problems we've dealt with and shared. We start each meeting with appreciation, and try to end up a with a laugh," said Collins.

She attended her first relative caregiver meeting 26 years ago, when she lived in San Jose. "It was like coming home to me. They're people who aren't looking at you or judging you. Other people see it as, your children messed up and you're a failure. But these meetings are about the commitment you have; those who come to meetings are the cream of the crop."

After she and her husband retired and moved to Chico in 2007, she found the Butte College support group. "This situation impacts relationships with other family members. A lot of things are going on, and you get to talking to people. Everyone knows someone who is affected by kids being raised by people other than their parents. It's pervasive."

Butte College Foster/Kinship Care Education Program offers numerous workshops, trainings, classes and support groups. Support is offered first and third Thursdays in Chico, second Thursdays in Oroville, and fourth Thursdays in Paradise.