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Thursday, October 25, 2012

Weepy and Tired

I'm feeling weepy today. No, not feeling weepy, I am weepy. I lost one of my best friends today. I haven't actually had her for a while. The last two conversations we had were over text and initiated by me (months apart). Both seemed as if she'd rather I forget her phone number. So I finally asked her this morning if she even wants to be friends anymore. In the end I received my answer and wished her a happy life. Sometimes life is lonely for me. I support many people - happily support many people but I often feel like there isn't anyone for me to lean on. I know this is a lie of course. I've recognized it as such. I do have plenty of people to lean on. I have my husband, my sponsor(s), many people from my ward and my Bishop. But I have such a hard time reaching out for help. I feel sometimes as if I need to be strong for everyone. That no one will love me if I'm not always the strong one, the rock, the example. More lies. But it's hard for me to be vulnerable. I haven't asked for help for so long that I don't really even know what that looks like. I've been working on being more vulnerable to people though. Just yesterday I posted on Facebook the following:

I wish my house was clean enough that I'd feel comfortable with someone coming over to help me clean it.

I work two jobs, I go to school, I am active in my ward; in my callings, I am called as a facilitator for the Addiction Recovery Program, I am married to a husband who works two jobs and goes to school, we have three very active kids. Life...is...exhausting. And because I'm so busy I have no time or energy to really pay any attention to my house. It's a lost cause at this point. It depresses me. I'm ashamed of it. And any shame on my shoulders is not good for me. It creates a perfect breeding ground for feelings of worthlessness and not being good enough and I end up comparing myself to others and anytime I do that I feel like I completely fall short of everything.I reached out to the above friend of mine in hopes to be able to lean on her a bit. In the end - I was snubbed. It hurt. I feel like a disposable friend. I've been listening to this new song I found. My Bishop is probably going to give me a hard time for listening to it - he's not a fan of my sometimes depressing recovery music. But I think this one is good because it states exactly where I am right now but sheds light at the end. I'd like to share it with you:

Homage for the Suffering

by

Matthew Perryman Jones

Here’s to you when the rain hits too hardWhen the battles that you fight just leave you scarredWhen you’re tired to the boneAnd you’ve got no strength to move on

Here’s to you when the light has grown too dimAnd your faith is just hanging on a limbYour heart begins to doubt if you’ll ever make it through

OhHere’s to youHere’s to you

When anger burns like fire beneath your skinAnd you long for love, you won’t let love inYour arms are folded tight across your chestAnd you won’t let go

Oh and fear rolls like thunder in your soulAnd all the lies have got you under their controland your mind is just too confused to seeWhat is true

Oh Here’s to youHere’s to you

Oh soon the sun will come with healing in its wingsTo wash away your tears and make you move

Here’s to youHere’s to youHere’s to youHere’s to you

I absolutely love the last lines.... the sun (Christ) will shine... and He will wipe away my tears and help pick me up and get me moving/progressing again. I know He will.I have a fellow blogger named 'MM' who posted yesterday just for me. OK maybe not just for me, but I like to think it was, it sure feels like it was. You can read her post called 'Jesus Wept' here. She talks about the Savior weeping for us. He feels our heartache and anguish and genuinely shares our pain so much that He Himself weeps with us. He is weeping with me right now.I find refuge in His arms. Even though I am going through a rough time right now I know that I am safe. I am cared for. I am loved. And I will get through this. I just need to wait out the storm huddled in the hem of His robes. This I will do.Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

6 comments:

I'm sorry that you are having such a hard day. I'm also glad that even though part of you is feeling like you DON'T have anyone to lean on, you are realizing that you DO have people to lean on. That being said, it is really disappointing, discouraging, heart-wrenching when you realize that people that you thought were friends aren't really. :( I'm hurting for you.

I was really touched when I saw the part about my post. I'm SO glad that it helped you. When I heard those words in that conference they really spoke to me. I'm glad you were able to "lean" on my post a little since I can't let you lean in real life! :)

Yep. The adversary is so good with the isolation tactics... I've learned that lesson the hard way and recognize it pretty quickly. So even when 100% of me FEELS the pull to isolate - I know that's the wrong decision and I'll reach anyway.

My ward/apartment complex has a message board for the sisters in the ward (well it seems to be only sisters) and I posted on there today that I've been struggling. Man that was a scary stretch. But it felt good to let people in and of course the response was amazing. I truly do have wonderful friends.

I'm grateful that I have you a part of that circle as well. Even though I don't know you now, I feel I will one day and I look forward to that moment.

Wow - I don't know that I've ever thought of that before. That He weeps with us. He hurts with us. But why not? Man, it is seriously no fun, and just hurts, to be in those lows. I know this was a while ago, but it's helped me today. Glad for your support and you can always lean on me. Thanks my friend.

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"