Tag Archives: hilarious

Mallory’s post inspired me, and I’m not going to lie — I’ve missed our baby bloggy, too. So I’m back, again, blah blah blah. I came across this gem while perusing the Tumbly machine and I just knew it deserved a spot on Six Words:

It’s got it all. EVERYTHING that Mallory and I have blogged against in the past! Nic Cage, Comic Sans and Papyrus, Crocs, Internet Explorer, Nickelback. It’s brillz, simply brillz. Who made this? Can we be friends? Because I’m pretty sure we have ESPN or something.

This was passed along to me in the form of an email forward from an A-MAZING FAN-TASTIC Chicago correspondent. Seriously though, the six word title is no joke. I was in tears probably for twenty minutes because of this. I obviously passed it along to everyone I know. My buddy quickly became obsessed with it (and the popularity it brought him in the office), so he started digging around a bit. Well, it wasn’t just an email passed along. In fact, this comes from David Thorne, who is a well-known internet humorist. I have no doubt that this email exchange is real though– creating humor in every day life is kind of his thing. You can find more hilarity on his website, 27b/6. Okay, enough with the introductions. Read every word. Get ready to laugh.

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.

That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone… possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out “Shannon, where are you?”

Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

I never said I don’t like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham ‘Choose Life’ t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn’t have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.

I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.

Remember that Iraqi reporter who threw his fancy footwear at the (former!) leader of the free world’s head? Ahh yes, Muntazer al-Zaidi! That silly prankster!

Now, as you could have gathered from my liberal bleeding heart wimpy sappy Obama obsessed blog, I wasn’t W’s biggest fan. But, to quote Austin Powers (and I will NEVER EVER quote it again, by the way. I promise.), “Who throws a shoe? Honestly?!”

To commemorate the Muntazernator’s horrible aim (or W.’s cat-like reflexes, which no doubt are a result of his frequent cat naps), the Iraqis in Sadaam Hussein’s hometown, Tikrit, have unveiled a six-foot statue of a shoe. Cool?

Now that is CLASSY. One and a half tons of pure class with a tree sticking out of it. Just in case you are dumb like me and can’t read Arabic, the inscription says “Muntazer: fasting until the sword breaks its fast with blood; silent until our mouths speak the truth.”

Ah, now that is poetry.

Muntazer, by the way, is in jail. He is facing charges of assaulting a visiting head of state.

And please note about the title of this post, I KNOW that you can’t hear a shoe around the world. I’m only making a nerdy historical reference to “the shot heard round the world”. It’s a line from a poem written by Emerson about the start of the Revolutionary War. WOOO LIBERAL ARTS!

So I’m clearly bored at work an have been stalking Wonkette even more intensely than usual. In the comments of one of the posts (yeah, maybe I read all the comments. I also read magazines cover to cover, and maybe take pills for that), I found a GENIUS website: www.hillaryismomjeans.com.

Now, I’m not one of those people who hates Hillary Clinton. In fact, I think she’s pretty great. But this shit is hilarious. (Think of Chuck Norris jokes, but in reverse.) Feel free to substitute “Mallory” for “Hillary” if that makes you feel better. Here are some of my favorites:

Okay so I know I said there wouldn’t be a lot of posts this weekend, but as it turns out, something’s come up. Something very important. Kelsey just showed me a video of herself that somehow I’ve never seen, and I think it deserves to be shared with the world. The setting is Prague, and the videographers are two British strangers that Kelsey and Sarah met (please note their brilliant commentary). The British strangers have encouraged the girls to take shots of absinthe without using their hands. Enjoy:

My favorite part is that Sarah initially just ignores Kelsey’s pain and finishes her shot. That’s friendship right there.