Friday, October 28, 2011

Yesterday the Packers held a private Halloween Party in a secret location outside of Green Bay. If you happened to be on Twitter from 2-4am, an unidentified user was sending out photos taken from the event earlier in the day. Thankfully, the Ranter intern staff was able to capture these awesome photos of the Packers in Halloween costumes before they were deleted from Twitter. Check ‘em out.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

This week, each one of you has a homework assignment, you're going to go out and make a Viking fan give you the AJ Hawk salute.

What?

Okay, fine. I'm geting ahead of myself.

The NFL hype machine has got us watching games that don't matter and hearing about players that can't play. There's no competition for the Packers, so we, as fans have become complacent. We're stuck complaining that Packers didn't score enough, that there were too many mistakes made even in overwhelming and convincing victory.

Eighth rule: If this is your first time at Rant Club...you bring the beer.

Robert and I came to Rant Club for the first time, and our asses were wads of cheese curds. After a few weeks, we became tough, sinewy beef jerky. After Ranting, everything in your life will get the volume turned down.

Are you talking about Rant Club, yet? Good. Where's my beer?

I am Franklin's over-inflated sense of superiority due to being a Packer fan.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Attention span – I rarely have one. If you have a good one, congratulations. Like a lot of people, I am often easily distracted by the “shiny bunny” (that is, whatever louder, more colorful, or cooler-looking thing crosses my path). Sure, I blame society and pop culture and the media, but that’s for another Rant.

This lack of focus is usually not a problem when I’m at home or at my desk, and can hunt for the next shiny bunny – usually in the form of channel/web/radio surfing with occasional bouts of productivity and creative cooking. But it becomes an issue when my precious media devices and refrigerator are simply not accessible and I’m forced to just sit there.

Let’s be honest, if the topic doesn’t interest you, what are you going to do? Sleep? No, you’re going to look around and daydream. Note: you can really kill some time harkening back to simpler times or brainstorming weapons of mass zombie destruction. While those remain some of my back-pocket options, my go-to daydreaming adventure – the thing I do most often in these situations – has got to be winging imaginary footballs off prominent objects in the room.

I simply cannot help it. A window. A poster. A lamp. A pattern on the wall. Someone’s melon. Hut-hut-hike! Whether I’m checking down off some dude’s drink, threading the needle at a podium microphone or throwing a bomb out of the conference center window, I’m peppering all these objects with tightly bound spirals of destruction… in my head. (You have no idea how much I crave a real football after these situations.)

To those people reading this who teach or monologue in front of others, if you see someone zinging imaginary footballs during your lecture, take it as a sign you need to work on your presentation skills. You’re welcome.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Following today's torching of the Denver Broncos, we have learned from our sources deep inside the bowels of Lambeau that the Packers' equipment staff have been forced to enact Emergency Protocol 12.0

The Ranter has obtained a transcript of an exchange between a mid-level equipment manager and their supervisor shortly following the team's exit from the locker room.

"Sir, we have an issue here...I....I....I think it's time."

"Are you sure? You have to be absolutely positive before this happens."

"Sir, I think we need to do it...it's not safe here otherwise, for him or for others."

"Okay. Okay. You know what to do."

"Yes sir. I will inform the others that we are....enacting Emergency Protocol Twelve-Point-O."

"We knew this day would come. You have all been trained for it. Now is when you will rely on that training."

"Yes, sir. We are ready."

"Good. I'm confident you will make the Packers' organization proud."

"Thank you...ummm...sir?"

"Yes?"

"How long does Emergency Protocol Twelve-Point-O last?"

"Well, your guess is as good as mine...but you've seen everything I have. There is no indication that this will stop....for a long time."

Pretty telling conversation, I thought.

For those of you wondering what Emergency Protocol 12.0 is, our crack research team has obtained a copy of the Green Bay Packers Top Secret Policy and Protocol Manual. (Don't ask how we got it. If we told you, we'd have to kill you. And we like you. All of you.)

On page 783, EP-12.0 is outlined:

"In the event that player #12 begins to display unnatural temperature levels on the field, specifically temperatures exceeding those any normal human should have, his uniform, pads, helmet, and cleats shall be removed from his normal locker and stored in the specially designed locker pictured below."

"Player #12's equipment should only be removed 30 minutes prior to the following week's game and then only by trained individuals wearing their protective high-temperature gear."

I think we all saw this day coming. I, for one, am glad that the Packers' equipment staff are well-trained for this event. Also, it looks as though we are dangerously close to enacting Emergency Protocol 85.0 and Emergency Protocol 21.0.

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