Dave's Adjustable Hot Sauce lets you dial in the pain

Inside "Dave's Adjustable Hot Sauce" bottle are two chambers, one filled with scorching hot sauce fit only for braggarts and masochists, while the other holds a mixture barely hot enough to merit the name. Click the dial at the top to select your preferred place on the Scoville scale and then give it a press; the commingled sauce will spray out like mace all over your Mexican breakfast.

Inspired, I've created a similar product for French fries that allows you to select your preferred mixture of malt vinegar and mayonnaise. I'll release it once I figure out how to aerosolize mayonnaise, after which I'll replace the malt vinegar with more mayonnaise.

To aerosolize mayonnaise, try using a nitrous oxide based cream whipper thingy (the old sort where you put the cream in the bottle, and screw the nitrous bulb into it). Nitrous dissolves in fat quite well, which is why it works with cream so well. Fancy chefs have been doing this for a while with all manner of ingredients (think mashed potato)

Fergit hot SAUCES. I just take a handful of dried chiles, put ’em through a spice grinder and store the powder in a stainless steel “Pill Bottle” (the kind with a rubber ‘O’ ring) that attaches to my keyring. No worries about any liquids going rancid or freezing in cold weather. Just unscrew the tube from the cap and heat up whatever’s on yer plate.

The only problems I’ve ever had are when nosy security drones refuse to take my word that “You Don’t Want To Breathe That Too Deeply”. They were warned……..

I just got a sampler of Dave’s sauces a couple of days ago. I have a pretty high tolerance for hot sauce, but the Suicide Sauce definitely lived up to its name.

I’ve found that most hot sauce makers just create intimidating product names to give consumers a false sense of sauce machismo. This was the real thing. I was hurting for about 10 minutes from just a few drops.