I have three children and have always wanted more. I dropped hints to my husband that I would like another.

I have three children and have always wanted more. I dropped hints to my husband that I would like another. He never came out and said no; he just ignored me. I wrongly took matters into my own hands and let myself get pregnant. I thought he would be ok with it but what I found is my husband has a very dark side. He went ballistic and bullied me. I stupidly kept quiet and never told anyone what was going on when there were people that could have helped me. I thought I was all alone. My parents have never liked my husband so I didn’t want them to know what was going on.
I was bleeding a bit through this pregnancy and had lots of cramps that I had never experienced with my other pregnancies. He used this as an excuse that I was going to lose the baby anyway so why not have an abortion? It took three times. I kept walking out and he would ram his fists into the steering wheel and send me back. Finally I tearfully said I would do it for him and I went through with it. I came out and almost collapsed with grief and my husband had a big smile on his face. God, I hated him at that moment.
I had a nervous breakdown which I am still in the middle of. Our family and friends learned what had happened. Sometimes I can’t get out of bed. I have always been a strong person; I have a full time job and I run the house. I always thought I could do it all. I still work but I do not talk to my husband’s family. They have let me know that they are on his side in this and I even learned that his father knew I was pregnant and was behind him pushing me not to have it. Sick man he is. And to think I used to like him.
I have been trying to get pregnant again but it hasn’t happened. My husband takes a large amount of anti-depressants so he is unable to ejaculate. Each month I go further and further downhill and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. I have gone to counselling for three months but that didn’t help. I went to church and that didn’t help. Oh, and now my husband has become a born-again Christian because of this. What a joke after what he has done to me. I can’t blame him because I allowed it to happen, instead of standing up to him.
My best friend from high school and my first boyfriend ever are still my best friends today and my first boyfriend has offered to help me out since my husband is having trouble in that area. I feel the only way to help me get out of it is to get pregnant again. I don’t know if this is the answer though but I am glad to have the option from him. I am not young either so I should have known better than to be in this position.
Please if u are pregnant and being bullied tell someone anyone: family, friends, neighbours, church pastor. Tell anyone. I believe a pregnant woman is not capable of thinking rationally and that they need support. Please, I don’t want anyone to be in the position I am in today.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…You clearly felt under pressure to do something that tore you in two, didn’t you? You probably felt you had little choice under the circumstances. What’s important now is how you respond to the situation; how you take care of yourself with the emotions you are feeling. The desire to have another baby is quite natural for someone whose wanted pregnancy has been denied her and it may indeed bring a sense of relief in one way for you, but it will also create untold problems in your home life. Getting pregnant by someone else will complicate matters intensely.
It sounds as if there are two things that need to be addressed – the nature of your relationship with your husband and the need for some post-abortion support for you in your loss. You say that counselling did not help, but I suspect that either you didn’t have specialist counselling, or you are expecting counselling to do something it’s not designed to do. Counselling can really only help you to develop a new relationship to something you cannot change, such as an unwanted abortion, or it can help you to find new ways of relating to someone else which they in turn have to learn to accommodate. Neither can be achieved quickly. I suggest you ring Optionline on 800-395-help to find the specialist help you need if you are in the States. They may be able advise you about where to obtain marriage counselling too.

This story was sent in on 12/01/2009 and it's been viewed 1,384 times.