Monday, May 12, 2008

I just want to let you know that I really like you, Science. You are amazing, Science. Thank you for all your great research and your skeptical approach at debunking countless irrational claims, Science. And you're right! I really am happier no longer believing that coffee enemas prevent cancer (because that was getting weird). Life is better now that I can look at a coffee pot without the immediate tightening of my sphincter. However, there are things that trouble me about you.

First, are you always this uptight? Because I don't think it would kill you to lighten up a bit. I realize you're really smart and all, but nothing will ever change the fact that farts are funny. And if you're looking to really reach the public you should consider being a wee bit more generous with the jokes. The way I see it, it's either start being funny or buy a sports car. Cause honey you’re gonna need it.

And secondly, after I go out of my way to explain things that you really seem to think are important--how do you propose I deal with my newly formed "critically thinking" child? Because when my four year old says to me, "Mom, stop talking because your words are making my brain think thoughts that make my blood go into my muscles and my muscles are now too tired to listen!" Well, Science, I blame you!

But, I’m not mad. I just want your help. Because I know what the Bible would say. And right now I don’t have access to a rod for which I can unspoil my child.

You, my dear blogger, are a total joy to read. Someone should boil you down to an essence and we could buy you up and we could put a little drop of you on our light bulbs and our rooms would just smell so clever!

I totally understand what you mean about the atheist intellectuals who are leading the cause. It'd be nice if they knew how to have a good time. Probably the only one of the four horseman I would enjoy having a drink with would be Dawkins. Well, maybe Hitchins too, but I'd be worried that he'd try to steal my drink.