MIL issues.... very long post sorry :/

I’m actually new on this group because I don’t know why but since I changed my phone, I’m now on the US group whereas since the beginning of pregnancy I’ve been on the UK one (I’m a French girl living in London). But anyways, nice to meet you all 😊

I know this topic is not new but I’m starting to feel really stressed about future with my mother in law.
She is a nice person but very special (my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) told me straight away when we met 3 and half year ago). She is a not a bad person, but she has no boundaries in what she says or how she acts. Just to give you a few example:
-she once made me cry on Christmas Day because she stood up and went up to me to grab my love handles and said “well well loook that that!” In front of all my BFs family. I was 125 pounds at the time and 5ft10, and she is a bit overweight and seemed like she was happy to show everyone that I had some love handles (which yes I had and never really bothered but I felt humiliated in front of everyone)
-she keeps telling that her children are everything and that she wants only their happiness (which is amazing of course) but if my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) doesn’t like a picture she posts on Facebook or doesn’t talk to her for 2 days she will make him feel super guilty and will play the victim...
- she talked about her sex life in front of my parents the first time they met
- if we buy her a present she doesn’t like she will say it straight away but if we dare telling her we don’t like something she bought us, she will like fake cry and act like a poor girl
-during my pregnancy I saw her twice because of the distance and the two times she put her hands underneath my pants and shirt and rubbed my belly without asking, I really felt violated and every time it was out of the blue...

My BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) and his brothers and sister always tell her she has to watch her attitude cause it’s over the line often so she tries to change (if she hurts someone or does something weird, she will apologise straight away and say she will change but in 3 years and a half I’ve never really seen the change...). My BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) always agrees that she is weird and he is a bit ashamed sometimes in public with her but it’s his mom so he doesn’t want to be too harsh.

Now which scares me is that once the baby will be here, it will be worse. For a long time she said that she wasn’t ready to be a grandma (she actually told us 5 months ago that she would have like to have another child, she is 52... so I hope she doesn’t expect our child to be hers....) and that my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) was not ready to be a dad (but I think it’s because she is “young” and my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) is her oldest child so it’s weird for her). But since we told them we were expecting a baby she was really happy which was great.

We want to move back to France by the end of the year, ideally next to my home city but if not somewhere else and she is already telling my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) that she might not see her grandchild as much as my parents (if we move back to my city which my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) wants, his parents live 4 hours away in the middle of nowhere), that her grandchild will not recognise her if she sees her every 2-3 months (but when my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) was young he grew up next to his moms mom because my MIL (mother-in-law) didn’t want to live next to HER MIL (mother-in-law) because she hated all her MiL....). She always tries to make us feel guilty even though we are not even back in France yet and we might live in a city far from everyone!

I feel like she will try to manipulate my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) and be the victim if he doesn’t call her as often or if we don’t see her often (before baby we were seeing her every 2-3 months and she was really happy about it, we see her more times than her other children who live in France...). But I told my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) that it’s not because we have a baby now that we have to see her every week... we didn’t make the baby for her and I don’t want one day my child to come to me and tell me “grandma told me she is sad because she doesn’t see me as much as she wants”

We had a big discussion with my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) about her and he agrees with me and told me that he told her that she will have to keep her limits with what she says or does (because I’m sure she will be the kind to tell us what to do with our baby even if we don’t ask for advice). She said that yes she won’t interfere with our new family adventure (but for example she wants my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) to call her every 30min once I’m at the hospital having the baby to keep her updated... I’m glad we live abroad because she would have come straight away 1 hour after I have the baby...) and I’m sure the first few weeks if we don’t send her 50 pictures a day or call her because we are busy with our newborn and will be exhausted, she will make us feel bad.

She is really good at acting like the poor mother who doesn’t want to hurt and wants only the best for her children but, I find it really manipulating and I don’t fall for it anymore but my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) still does sometimes and feels bad when she acts sad...

I’m so sorry for the long post, didn’t expect it to go that long and I tried to make it shorter...

I needed to vent, maybe I’m overreacting with the pregnancy and everything, of course it’s never easy between a MIL (mother-in-law) and DIL but even before pregnancy it was complex... and I feel like if it gets worse, I will go crazy on her and it might ruin the relationship. I really hope my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) will know how to react....

Comments (13)

I wouldn't worry about it until it is an issue...having a baby and moving is enough to think about. I think your plan of a physical distance is good, don't compromise on that as you have already decided.

I wouldn't worry about it until it is an issue...having a baby and moving...

Posted
04/25/2018

I wouldn't worry about it until it is an issue...having a baby and moving is enough to think about. I think your plan of a physical distance is good, don't compromise on that as you have already decided.

Yes you are right, she is very predictable so that’s why I’m worried about her attitude but maybe she will be alright

Is she special because of a real medical condition or because she lacks boundaries? That’s a big difference. If it’s not medical you definitely need to start putting distance and strict boundaries up before the baby comes because it will only get worse. Look into the all in the family board for help.

My grandma is like this. Pretty much everyone in my family has her on limited contact and it has been this way for as long as I can remember. I remember her treating my dad (her Son in law) pretty horribly at times when I was younger and they would allow her to come around. He put up with it because his own parents died before my siblings and I were born and he wanted us to have grandparents but at some point enough is enough. Whenever I talk about my grandma with any of my family members we all agree that she’s beyond repair and this was the case even when she was younger. You can try to explain her behavior over and over again until you are blue in the face but she will never fully be able to understand or accept how she makes others feel and nor will she ever change. I think it’s a form of egocetricism/narcissism.

I call her sometimes but she lives in another state and I rarely visit because staying with her is a nightmare. She often tells me how lonely she is and how much she wishes we would call more/visit but I just can’t bring myself to allow more contact. Though she will never understand, it’s no one’s fault but her own. No should have to put up with her abusive manipulative BS.

It really sounds like your BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) could benefit from counseling. He needs to cut his losses now because she’s batshit fucking crazy and it isn’t going to get any better. There is no reasoning or explaining with these people, you just have to CO or LC for your own sanity. And you deserve sanity and to be respected.

Therapy. LC if not CO. She’d see my child maybe 3 or 4 times a year IF she was lucky. She would not be at the hospital, nor would I be calling her every 30 minutes or sending her pictures of my child constantly. Any guilt trips would be black holed and if she persisted we’d just be done. It’s sad, but sometimes it’s the only way.

Is she special because of a real medical condition or because she lacks bound...

Posted
04/25/2018

Is she special because of a real medical condition or because she lacks boundaries? That’s a big difference. If it’s not medical you definitely need to start putting distance and strict boundaries up before the baby comes because it will only get worse. Look into the all in the family board for help.

No she has no medical condition, it’s only a lack of boundaries, And now that they moved one year ago in the middle of nowhere, she doesn’t have friends (but didn’t have a lot even when she was in Paris anyways), and she doesn’t work anymore because they sold their company and decided to retire early.. before she stopped working she wasn’t as bad with the phone calls for example..

My grandma is like this. Pretty much everyone in my family has her on limited...

Posted
04/25/2018

My grandma is like this. Pretty much everyone in my family has her on limited contact and it has been this way for as long as I can remember. I remember her treating my dad (her Son in law) pretty horribly at times when I was younger and they would allow her to come around. He put up with it because his own parents died before my siblings and I were born and he wanted us to have grandparents but at some point enough is enough. Whenever I talk about my grandma with any of my family members we all agree that she’s beyond repair and this was the case even when she was younger. You can try to explain her behavior over and over again until you are blue in the face but she will never fully be able to understand or accept how she makes others feel and nor will she ever change. I think it’s a form of egocetricism/narcissism.

I call her sometimes but she lives in another state and I rarely visit because staying with her is a nightmare. She often tells me how lonely she is and how much she wishes we would call more/visit but I just can’t bring myself to allow more contact. Though she will never understand, it’s no one’s fault but her own. No should have to put up with her abusive manipulative BS.

It really sounds like your BF could benefit from counseling. He needs to cut his losses now because she’s batshit fucking crazy and it isn’t going to get any better. There is no reasoning or explaining with these people, you just have to CO or LC for your own sanity. And you deserve sanity and to be respected.

Therapy. LC if not CO. She’d see my child maybe 3 or 4 times a year IF she was lucky. She would not be at the hospital, nor would I be calling her every 30 minutes or sending her pictures of my child constantly. Any guilt trips would be black holed and if she persisted we’d just be done. It’s sad, but sometimes it’s the only way.

Yes I agree, I don’t want it to affect our relationship (everything is great between us but if she keeps doing things like this, I’m scared that because it is his mom, it might impact our future in case it gets worse and she doesn’t “let go). I told my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) that for me it is manipulative and not healthy that she is trying to make us feel guilty sometimes, but he was raised like that so I guess he got used to it... but I feel bad because she can be really nice and helpful and I don’t think she is a bad person but I do think she can be egoist in a way

You say she is a nice person but I think she sounds ABSOLUTELY AWFUL. I would be very, very concerned about how these behaviors will escalate once baby arrives. Definitely listen to your gut concerns and get on the same page with your husband now before Baby comes!! Please post this on the DWIL board and listen to what those folks have to say. They have great resources in their sticky but I think there is no substitute for starting your own thread. Just be aware they don’t allow “venting,” so give your background and ask a specific question like “what should I do to protect my postpartum time.” Good luck and congrats on your first!!!

Honestly, she is an out of control monster and won't get any better if you and your boyfriend don't start putting her in her place.

If she does something out of line, says or does anything that makes you uncomfortable, CONFRONT HER. "That was rude" "Don't touch me" etc. Ignore her guilt trips, her fake tears and whatever other crap she's throwing your way to make you feel bad. Block her on your phone and social media.

I would have another discussion with your boyfriend and tell him in no uncertain terms he will not call her while you're in labor. She can get a call to be notified of the birth after you have settled in to your postpartum room, had time to bond with baby and get some rest. And it would be a quick "Hi, baby is here and doing great, and so is Aur. Ok we'll talk to you later, bye".

If you don't want her to visit, don't invite her. Tell your hospital nurses no visitors if you don't want her there. When you get home, only invite her over if and when you feel ready. If she shows up unannounced, don't answer the door. She's not entitled to your time or your baby, so put down your foot and don't let her get away with this crap.

Honestly, she is an out of control monster and won't get any better if yo...

Posted
04/25/2018

Honestly, she is an out of control monster and won't get any better if you and your boyfriend don't start putting her in her place.

If she does something out of line, says or does anything that makes you uncomfortable, CONFRONT HER. "That was rude" "Don't touch me" etc. Ignore her guilt trips, her fake tears and whatever other crap she's throwing your way to make you feel bad. Block her on your phone and social media.

I would have another discussion with your boyfriend and tell him in no uncertain terms he will not call her while you're in labor. She can get a call to be notified of the birth after you have settled in to your postpartum room, had time to bond with baby and get some rest. And it would be a quick "Hi, baby is here and doing great, and so is Aur. Ok we'll talk to you later, bye".

If you don't want her to visit, don't invite her. Tell your hospital nurses no visitors if you don't want her there. When you get home, only invite her over if and when you feel ready. If she shows up unannounced, don't answer the door. She's not entitled to your time or your baby, so put down your foot and don't let her get away with this crap.

Yes the good thing is that I’m having the baby in London so she will be in France and we said with my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) that they can come for like 2 days once my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) will take his paternity leave a week or two after. And they won’t be sleeping at our place because we have only a one bedroom apartment so it would be too much. I told my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) that he better handle things once and for all if things get worse because if I do it...especially right after giving birth....
Last month he actually realised that she was once again out of line because my boyfriend got injured so I took care of him for 3 days because he couldn’t really see. So I was doing all the laundry, cleaning cooking and also still working (in retail) and I was 30 weeks pregnant at the time. One night she called him and didn’t know I was here and he was like « Aurelia is taking really good care of me, she is dealing with everything even though she is tired herself (and I was also having a hard time at work », she replied straight away « well it’s the least she can do and it’s not like she has to manage a castle ». He told her straight away that I was exhausted and it wasn’t easy so she was like oh ok... after he hung up I was furious..

I keep telling him that he has to be the one to manage the situation because if it’s my mom who goes out of line I’m the one to tell her things straight away..

You say she is a nice person but I think she sounds ABSOLUTELY AWFUL. I would...

Posted
04/25/2018

You say she is a nice person but I think she sounds ABSOLUTELY AWFUL. I would be very, very concerned about how these behaviors will escalate once baby arrives. Definitely listen to your gut concerns and get on the same page with your husband now before Baby comes!! Please post this on the DWIL board and listen to what those folks have to say. They have great resources in their sticky but I think there is no substitute for starting your own thread. Just be aware they don’t allow “venting,” so give your background and ask a specific question like “what should I do to protect my postpartum time.” Good luck and congrats on your first!!!

Thank you!! To be honest it wasn’t always easy to live this pregnancy far from my family and abroad but at least I didn’t see my MIL (mother-in-law) too much!! I think the bad thing is that I keep telling myself I’m overreacting, I tried not to reply when she goes out of line because I don’t want to hurt my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) (because if I want to hurt someone, I’m really good with my words...), but it’s driving me crazy... for sure the hormones and pregnancy are not helping with the situation.

I just can’t wait for my sister in law to get pregnant one day so my MIL (mother-in-law) will be focus on her hopefully haha, but you can tell that my BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) is definitely her favourite.

Your 5-month-old: Week 1

Your baby can't express his emotions in the same complex way you can. Although he can clearly let you know when he's happy or unhappy, his ability to demonstrate his love and sense of humor is just developing.
Read More

Your 5-month-old: Week 2

Your baby may start showing signs of one of her first major emotional milestones â€” stranger anxiety. She may become clingy and anxious around new (and even familiar) people and may cry if a stranger suddenly approaches her.
Read More

Your 5-month-old: Week 3

Your baby's getting better at spotting very small objects and tracking things that are moving. At this point, he may be able to recognize an object after seeing only part of it - like his favorite toy peeking out from under a blanket.
Read More

This Internet site provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your own health or the health of your child, you should always consult with a physician or other healthcare professional. Please review the Terms of Use before using this site. Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by the Terms of Use.

This site is published by BabyCenter, L.L.C., which is responsible for its contents as further described and qualified in the Terms of Use.

You are passing a message to a BabyCenter staff member.
For the fastest help on community guidelines violations, please click 'Report this' on the item you wish the staff to review.
For general help please read our Help section or contact us.