Conservative talk-show hoax Rush Limbaugh confessed today at a press conference that his entire career has been a joke, a really bad joke.

He explained, “back in school he and a friend made a bet after smoking some really wicked skunk bud that he could pull off a massive joke on Americans by pretending to be a conservative, racist, womanizing A-hole and ignotards would totally eat it up and he’d become filthy rich.”

Inspired as a teenager by radio shock-jocks who make fun of celebrities and Republican politicians, he had the idea to do the same thing, only as a polar opposite, (or in this case, bi-polar opposite). In other words, he would make up fake stories about liberal Democrats and celebrities–but instead of making people laugh, he would just really piss them off. It worked.

He went on to confess (while sobbing uncontrollably) that his conscience has been bothering him lately, having to become more and more absurd over the years to reach a level that would still shock people who had increasingly built up level of tolerance to him. He found himself teetering over the edge and confusing his true self with his self-created alter-egomaniacal personality. That, coupled with some of the negative press and recent loss of advertising revenue, he felt the need to come clean before moving to Costa Rica. He doesn’t want people to think he’s THAT horrible of a man, claiming “it was all a joke. I don’t really believe any of that crazy shit I was spouting. In reality, I am the exact opposite of everything that I have portrayed myself to be in the press.” In trying to justify his position he claimed, “it’s not that different to Stephen Colbert who pretends to be a conservative.” Most say that Colbert is hilariously funny, whereas Rush is just pathetically hostile.

He also wanted to share that he has been in a secret, committed same-sex relationship for 30 years now with a Detroit man whose name he wouldn’t release to preserve anonymity. As for his wives? He said, “like Tom Cruise, it was all a sham to hide the truth; each time one figured it out and threatened to go public he would divorce them and buy their silence with a generous settlement.” And yes, he’s still on drugs, popping Oxycontin like it was vitamin C. As for the money, he has no intentions of giving anything back, literally laughing all the way to the bank. As he left the room, one reporter asked if he planned to change anything in regards to his show, he replied, “hell no, the formula works, it’s business as usual tomorrow, I just felt like I needed to clear the air.”

FOX News released this statement in response: “This was likely just a publicity stunt crafted to boost attention to an otherwise slowly fading legend in a last-ditch effort to persuade contract negotiations to his favor with Premier Radio Networks. They went on to add that no one could pretend to be that big of an A-hole for that long. Nope, he’s the real deal.”