Hello Mates, and welcome to the premiere episode of Outback Jack; TBS’ first entry into the reality TV dating genre. Did you miss the show Tuesday night? No worries, everything you need to know about the show will be included in the next few pages. In fact, the eloquent and witty Estee and I are teaming up to summarize the entire Outback Jack series.

Just let me get my Australian accent going, and we’ll get starte...{setting language=”Australian}. Okay, there we go. Now if you’re reading this to yourself (or to a friend), then you’ll need to start using a fake Australian accent

We are introduced to Outback Jack, an Australian outdoorsman about to come face to face with the Outback’s newest predators:

• Summer (dirty blonde) – takes about an hour and a half to get ready

• Mary (fake blonde) – her nails and toes must always match (colors) because you have to have matching stuff to be a diva

• Natalie (fake blonde) – loves makeup, can’t live without it

• Laura (brunette) – guys calling her all the time gets on her nerves, but they can send presents anytime

• Natasha (brunette) – shopaholic who won’t wear the same outfit more than once

• Maria (brunette)– loves to be pampered and get facials

• Harmonie (blonde) – has a unique sense of style. People always look at her like “what the hell are you wearing?”

• Shannon (fake blonde) – when men meet her they think she’s either a porn star or a model

• Cortney (blonde) – nothing will stop her from pursuing her dreams. All's fair in love and war

• Marissa (blonde) – is a spa girl. Going to the spa everyday would make for a great life

• Adrienne (token black) – loves to be treated like a queen because she is a queen

The girls are escorted in the typical limos to the typical Bachelor-style mansion, and they’re greeted by the typical non-descript host who describes the bachelor as handsome, smart and successful. He’s also halfway around the world in Australia. These girls have been well-coached – they perk up on hearing the word successful, display puzzled, disappointed looks when the host tells them the bachelor isn’t there, and finally exuberance when told they are going to Australia.

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For some reason, all the girls think it’s a good idea to wear their prom dresses for the 17 hour flight to Australia except for Maria, who’s dressed like I Dream of Jeanie, but without the pink. They land in Sydney just long enough to board the plane that will take them within several thousand feet of their final destination. They also strap on the parachutes that will guide them the rest of the way. Each girl must also don a jumpsuit, which apparently weren’t designed with these top heavy ladies in mind. They are all scared to jump out of the plane, but they’re seemingly more worried about the effect on their hair and makeup than the possibility of life-ending tragedy. Maria kindly describes how boogers came out of her nose. Thanks for sharing Maria. Maybe next time you can describe your favorite bowel movement.

The girls land, shed their jumpsuits, and start looking around for their hotel. There is no hotel, but J.D., our host is there, and he’s got all their luggage. Seems he had the good sense to land at the nearby airport. J.D. delivers the shocking news that over the next few days, girls will be eliminated until there’s only one left! Apparently, this comes as shocking news (c’mon ladies, I want to see shock and worry).

Outback Jack makes his debut with the ladies and helps them make their way to camp. He’s carrying someone’s luggage – after all, he is a gentleman – but most of the ladies must pull their own rolling closets. Camp is a disappointment – no running water, no hot tub, no swimming pool, no massages, footbaths, or facials. The are plenty of bugs, however, and Jack tucks the ladies into bed and makes sure their mosquito netting is in place. What a guy!

Hey, are you guys still reading in an Australian accent? Just checking.

Morning comes and we get to watch the girls diva themselves up just in time to get survival kits from Jack and a demonstration of the wildlife they might encounter in the outback, including a four foot long lizard that the girls find frightening, and a huge crocodile that apparently just happened to be wandering around camp. Hmm wonder how many takes they needed for that scene.

Now it’s time for swimming and sunning so everyone can show off their rock hard bodies. Marissa stays in the sun too long, gets dehydrated, and must be removed from camp on a stretcher for medical treatment. The girls are jealous that Marissa will spend the night inside, away from the bugs. J.D. shows up to announce four girls will be eliminated tomorrow. Mary doesn’t want to leave. She doesn’t think it would be fair since she’s flown halfway across the world and dropped out of an airplane (unlike all the other girls, eh Mary?).

Jack interviews the girls individually to see if they want to stay. Mary sings Jack a song she made up to convince Jack to keep her. Cortney tells Jack she’s more comfortable there than she thought she’d be. Jillian is happy to be there. Harmonie wants to stay for more adventure, Natalie is learning things and wants to stay, Maria has done things she never expected; Laura is unaccustomed to the surroundings, but says Jack has been nice; Adrienne loves being there – she’s learning about herself; Summer honestly tells Jack it has NOT been fun, but it’s been unique; Shannon has learned a lot about herself; Natasha hates the bugs, but is pretty sure she wants to go for it, though she’s undecided.

Hard decision for Jack because they’ve bonded, yada, yada, yada, then it’s almost time for the elimination ceremony. Marissa comes back looking VERY refreshed, and she’s getting a LOT of personal attention from Jack, which may be because she looks smoking HOT this morning.