Tag Archives: Storyline: A House Is Not A Home Box Office

Oh hey! It’s Eli’s wife, Denise. We haven’t seen her in… a couple of years? I almost considered her lost in the partial reboot a year ago, but let’s just assume she’s been in the Philippines studying at the finest culinary schools, learning how to prepare live baby ducks that you eat whole or soup made of blood and bile.

This is how my wife and I watch Game Of Thrones. I pause the TV every 15 seconds to ask her questions and she looks at me with this knowing glint in her eye like, “Oh shitbaskets you have NO IDEA what’s about to happen.” It’s like she’s a time traveler returned from one of many possible futures just observing and laughing as we (the past-folk) run around and play out the events of her history, seemingly devoid of free will. It’s an unsettling way to watch TV to say the least.

Couple this with the fact the Game Of Thrones doesn’t consistently rewrite, leave out or work around plot points from the book and the whole experience can be rather frustrating. What I mean is sometimes they’ll lump a few key events into an episode by having them all take place in the same area or at the same time and to one guy instead of the 8 guys on 9 different continents they happened to in the books. Other times they’ll just leave out extremely vital information, either assuming you know it already, having read the books, or you’re so confused by everything else that one more thing to be confused about isn’t going to make much difference. Still there are other times where they completely rewrite events, characters or entire plot lines from the books to make for a better TV show. This final stratagem is the one I prefer. I’d rather the show be a unique experience that neither requires or punishes having read the books.

COMMENTERS: What are your favorite/least favorite movie/TV translations from books? Do the most faithful translations make for the best adaptations or do you prefer the ones that take more liberty and consolidate the story for the new format? Have you ever been the “one who read the books?” Did you aid or ruin someone else’s movie/TV watching experience because of it?

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I’ve really enjoyed writing and drawing this HBO story line. The whole series is archived here. I haven’t actually cancelled the free HBO, and thus it remains my fickle mistress. Last night I watched Se7en (despite already owning it on Blu-Ray and having never actually watched my copy), and a few reruns of Veep (which is seriously the smartest/funniest TV writing since Arrested Development), but I also watched about half of some god damn documentary about Beyonce.

Beyonce isn’t a great singer and she isn’t an “artist.” She’s a good singer and anyone (ANYONE) who sang about as well as she does and looked about as attractive as he is perceived to be COULD (not WOULD) have everything she has. None of those traits are a crime. Pop music and celebrity culture in general often reward the middle. Mediocrity keeps you in the public eye much longer than one hit wonders and lights that burn too bright. But, if you’re going to follow someone around with a camera crew for a year, it would be best if that someone were A) an interesting person, B) Not the C-estof C-Words to everyone that works for her and C) grounded in at least some fashion to a world where they haven’t been rich and famous their entire lives. Watching her live her “fabulous” life was just boring as all miserable fuck. Beyonce isn’t evil, but she oozes a sense of entitlement that (per my working theory) stems from being brought up in a wealthy family, then getting too famous and too rich at too young of an age to ever really relate to anyone who isn’t a superstar millionaire. In my opinion, Gwyenth Paltrow also fits into this category. They are both good at their jobs, but I doubt either would make for a fun addition to movie or game night. LET ME OFF OF YOUR PROGRAMMING QUALITY ROLLER COASTER, HBO YOU CONTEMPTIBLE SHREW! VEX ME NO LONGER!

COMMENTERS: Which celebrity do you think you would have the most fun actually hanging out with. Bonus points if your answer is Jon Hamm, because that is the correct answer. Who would be the least fun?

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Did you know if you catch a real live Canadian they have to show you their Indentattoo which, in turn, reveals their true name and spirit animal? Once you can call a Candian by its true name, it must obey your every command. Unless you command it to commit murder, or be rude in public. Then IT CONTROLS YOU! The good news is, it will often express mild irritation at your capture and enslavement of it, but ultimately wish you well and attempt to find its way home. Canadians can always sense true north because of a naturally occurring magnet found in their skulls. Up until the late 1800’s, these “bone magnets” were highly sought after by American hunters, trappers, golfers and tennis players for their perceived effectiveness in pseudo-science carpal tunnel bracelets.

I am quite literally bursting with true facts about Canada. I’ve been there at least 3 times, which makes me an expert. I’m going back again next month for Calgary Expo and to get recertified as an official Canada Expert First Class. I’ll be at booth 925/1025 with Blind Ferret.

One more comic and this story bit ends. Game Of Thrones comes back this Sunday, and I’m struggling to remember who is dead, who is currently actively being killed and who is merely mortally wounded. I need to make a chart. A blood chart. My wife has read ahead in the books which has transformed her into some kind of fire witch with the curse of foresight. She isn’t to be trusted.

COMMENTERS: Have you ever been catching up on a popular tv or movie series while your spouse, significant other, friend, etc. has already read all the books? Did it augment the experience for you, or were they all, “OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S ABOUT TO HAPPEN OMGOMGOMG!!!” all the time? I made the ENORMOUS mistake of assuming I would never care about Harry Potter, so I forced my old boss to explain the entire plot to me, including who killed Dumbledore and that Harry was the final Horcrux, thus robbing me of the excitement of finding those things out for myself when I eventually fell in love with the series.

Wrapping up this short storyline this week, assuming Game Of Thrones premiers this weekend. I’m pretty sure it’s this weekend, but I was also pretty sure yesterday’s date was somewhere around the 20th (SPOILERS: it was the 26th), so I have apparently lost a little time due to staying up all night watching mediocre movies (moviocres) and thus I have become an unreliable judge of when things are and are not.

COMMENTERS: Have you ever purposefully deprived yourself of something that, while not life threatening, probably wasn’t that good for you? Did you succeed? Have you had any self-imposed restrictions that might seem silly to others? No Hot Pockets on odd numbered days? No dating people you met during a hostage crisis? No driving past the home where you murdered that transient? That’s just goofy. Transients can’t haunt you because they don’t have souls.

Taxicab Confessions was one of those “awakening” moments for me as a young teen. Through those covertly mounted lipstick cameras I saw and learned things that I was not necessarily seeking out, and I was forever changed. The series filmed from the time I was in high school up until the early 2000’s. I’ve watched a few of the latter episodes since I’ve had the free HBO (acquired in anticipation of Game Of Thrones), and only now do I realize the answer to 14 year old me’s question, “Why are these people acting like this?!” was always, “Oh, they’re on drugs.” The over sharing, the lack of inhibitions, the… having sex in a dirty ass cab. Yeah. Drugs. I guess when I was 14 I thought only hardened criminals did drugs. There was this one episode where this couple get in the cab (I believe this was a Las Vegas episode) and the man played with his new magic light up thumbs (a trick illusion he had just purchased at a magic shop) while his lady friend took her boobs out and mashed them all over the place. He was transfixed on his thumbs and she was… well, mashing her boobs all over the place. If you don’t want young kids to experiment with drugs, don’t try to scare them straight. Just show them the video of the coked out wanna-be magician and his free spirited companion. That shit freaked me out.

COMMENTERS: TWO QUESTIONS! 1) Was there anything (a joke in a movie, a tv show premise) that just didn’t register with your younger self? I didn’t know the premise of Three’s Company, despite having seen every single episode when it originally aired, until I was in my twenties. 2) Did you have any movies/shows/albums/website (for you young-uns) that taught you about something in the world that you just weren’t ready to know?