Who's Afraid of Commitment?

Getting married warrants a good dose of fear.

Everyone's a little scared of commitment, even us women. As the wedding day approaches, both the bride and groom feel more and more anxious and tense. In fact, the Jewish custom is that the couple doesn't see each other (some don't even speak to each other) for the week before the wedding in order to avoid the needless quarrels that would arise out of all the stress (and of course to enhance the excitement and anticipation).

Marriage is a heavy decision, and both sides, if they are alert and rational, enter their marriage with joy -- and trepidation. Although men are often chastised for their fear of commitment, Neil Chethik in his book, VoiceMale, points to a recent survey by the United States Census Bureau. Nearly 9 out of 10 American men will marry at least once in their lifetimes. This doesn't support a deep fear of commitment. In fact the high divorce rate suggests perhaps the fear wasn't great enough, or the understanding.

As our desire (and sometimes our desperation) to get married grows (this is not necessarily proportional to age; there are 19 year-olds who convey desperation and 50 year olds in no rush), our ability to choose wisely and carefully, to fully evaluate the consequences of this commitment we are undertaking may diminish.

A friend told me that she spent every post-date period analyzing their conversations for signs of "his" feelings about her. It was only after some gentle prodding on my part that she remembered to explore her feelings for him!

If a woman is not as frightened as her spouse about the upcoming change, then perhaps she isn't taking it seriously enough. Perhaps it's about the dress, the party, and playing house. Perhaps she takes for granted her ability to be a good wife. It takes a lot of effort (even allowing for that innate ability!) to build something positive and lasting with another human being.

If we choose someone whose character we admire and respect, and whose goals coincide with our own (transcendent aspirations, not material dreams), then certainly our fear should be diminished.

But we must still stand in awe of the responsibility we are undertaking. And instead of concentrating on our partner, perhaps we should turn inward. Are we up to the task?

Are we ready for the job of focusing on someone else instead of ourselves, of putting the needs of another before our own? Are we up to the task of ignoring the negative and looking at the positive? Are we up to the task of putting on our best face (and perhaps outfit) to greet our spouse? I heard of a rabbi who eulogized his wife saying "Living with her was a taste of the Garden of Eden." Are we up to that task?

Certainly we're capable of it. The question is: are we choosing it? Making our marriage great takes a tremendous amount of work. (I'm not trying to sound weighed down by this; it's a lot of fun too!) We should be somewhat afraid. But certainly if we can be CEOs of major corporations (to put a reverse spin on the feminist argument), then we can run our families with the same zeal and drive. We just have to prioritize.

We are given many different titles in our lives -- vice-president, mommy, ‘you there', Mrs. Which one means the most? Which is the greater accomplishment? Which requires the deeper commitment?

When a Jewish couple gets married, we are given a blessing that we should build a Bayit Ne'eman b'Yisrael, a faithful home in Israel. Why does everyone give this same blessing?

It's not just a lack of the creative spirit. It's because having a home in which the Almighty's presence can rest, a home that is special and holy, does not come easily or naturally. It requires the energy and good wishes of the young couple and all their friends and family, with help from the Almighty. It requires effort -- and blessing.

Both men and women should have some fear of commitment. And we should take that anxiety and channel it into building a sanctified Jewish home.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 5

(5)
Anonymous,
March 15, 2006 12:00 AM

Take Care of Yourself

Although you are offering sound and moral advice for one to reflect upon his or her own level of emotional maturity, physical and intellectual stamina for marriage and ability to compromise when living with another person; I feel that this should take second place to considering one's own needs. One of the major precepts in the Torah is "Im ain Ani Li, Mi Li", If I am not for myself, then who will be for me. Many people marry prematurely or for the wrong reasons and with delusional attitudes of egocentricity. However, in this day and age of difficult dating situations, duplicitous matchmakers, shadchanim with agendas and dating web sites with opaque personal descriptions, one should primarily be concerned with whether or not the other party suits their needs and lifestyle. I sincerely hope that my opinion is not simply cast as being "selfish" but rather exhorting single people to attempt to seize some control of their social situations and remember to perform due diligence EVEN when the date is offered by a Rabbi or esteemed shadchan and continue this type of review while courting the other party. Since your article appears to primarily address women (putting on our best face,outfit) my advice is even more apropos since women generally are afforded a lesser degree of control in the initial stages of arranged dating situations.

(4)
Anonymous,
March 9, 2006 12:00 AM

To the lady who was married 28 years

I agree with what you said. Personally, I don't believe that Shidduch is good for everybody and everyone has to choose his/her own way to find the one they want and need. There is no point living in a marriege that don't satisfiy both sides, especially if there are kids...
Getting married is supposed to be about building a strong home on a strong foundation. I believe that love and close relationship ties make the strong home and, God, of course, is the foundation. I can only assume that God has its own reasons to make you go through what you did. However,at least now you have been given another chance to live the way you always wanted and I hope you use it to love yourself as much as you can and, God willing, find the people who will treat you with the same love, if not better.
I wish you all the best.

(3)
Tova saul,
March 8, 2006 12:00 AM

I'd like to be a millionaire, also

Steve Martin once did a routine which began: "YOU can be a mill-ee-yonaire!....Yes! YOU can be a mill-ee-yonaire! First, you get a million dollars, and then...." Well, to find a Jewish man that one respects and who's goals match one's own is no simple matter when you consider that at least 4 times as many American Jewish men marry non-Jewish women than the number of Jewish women who intermarry. That leaves behind a yawning ocean of Jewish women without a Jew to marry, and results in the huge number of great single Jewish women over age 30 who have no matches on the horizon, or on 10 horizons. The sooner Jewish leaders and shadchanim wake up to this fact, the sooner steps can be taken to do something about it.

(2)
Anonymous,
March 8, 2006 12:00 AM

Just a note

This is not on topic, but I wanted to thank you for a recipe. Two years ago, you had a recipe for chocolate hamentaschen on this website. They are a huge hit...I have made them for my husband's modern Orthodox shul and my mother's Reform synagogue. While they might disagree on many other subjects, they all seemed to agree the hamentaschen. And best of all...I stay out of trouble while I am baking them! :-)

(1)
Anonymous,
March 5, 2006 12:00 AM

ONE MORE REQUIREMENT FOR A SUCCESSRFUL RELATIONSHIP.

Bs"D

"If we choose someone whose character we admire and respect, and whose goals coincide with our own (transcendent aspirations, not material dreams), then certainly our fear should be diminished."

WE NEED EVEN MORE THAN CHARACTER THAT IS WORTHY OF OUR ADMIRATION AND RESPECT - MORE THAN GOALS THAT COINCIDE WITH OUR OWN TRANSCENDENT ASPIRATIONS. WE ALSO NEED TO BE LIKED BY THE OTHER AND TO LIKE THE OTHER.

28 YEARS AGO, I MARRIED A MAN WITH THE FIRST TWO STIPULATIONS ABOVE - HE HAD ADMIRABLE AND RESPECTABLE CHARACTER, AND MY GOALS COINCIDED WITH HIS TRANSCENDENT ASPIRATIONS. HOWEVER, HE DIDN'T LIKE ME, DIDN'T WANT TO MARRY ME. I DID WANT TO MARRY HIM AND FRIENDS TOLD ME HE WOULD CHANGE. HE DIDN'T. I DID. 28 YEARS LATER, I NOW DO NOT LIKE HIM. DIVORCE IS IN THE OFFING.

ASIDE FROM THE INTELLECTUAL DRAW IN A SUCCESSFUL SHIDUCH, THERE NEEDS TO BE SOME EMOTION INVOLVED - DOESN'T HAVE TO BE HEAD OVER HEELS. DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. BUT THE TWO PEOPLE HAVE TO LIKE EACH OTHER. IF NOT, THEN THE COUPLE RISK A MARRIAGE WITHOUT A FOUNDATION. IN MY CASE, WHAT IS LEFT AFTER 28 YEARS OF MARRIAGE IS A FULLY TRAUMATIZED FAMILY GROWN ON THE NON-VIABLE GROUND OF A LOVELESS, APATHETIC SPOUSAL RELATIONSHIP, MASKED AS A "MARRIAGE". THANK G-D, I DIDN'T HAVE TO WAIT 70 YEARS LIKE RIP VAN WINKLE, TO WAKE UP - HOWEVER, 28 YEARS IS INDEED PLENTY LONG OF A TIME TO LIVE WITHOUT BEING LOVED AND WITHOUT EVEN BEING LIKED.

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I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...