Factionless

1. Conform

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Hey, you gonna tell me what your results were?" Caleb grins easily at me across the room as he wipes down the table. I stare at the dish in my hand, scrubbing at it in the lukewarrm water before answering him. "You gonna tell me what yours were?", I tease back, so certain he knows his place here as I am uncertain I know mine. I turn back to the cutlery in my hand quickly - even my own joke bringing back anxiety and fear of tomorrow - but not before I see a blush creeping up his neck, notice his smile is a bit too strained. "Well,", after an awkward pause Caleb kisses me on the cheek, "Goodnight, Beatrice. Sweet dreams". I nod and smile, swallowing back tears, knowing this could be the last time I see my brother, the last time I sleep in the same house as my family. I finish the dishes, leaving them on the draining board and get changed for bed. The scratchy sheets tickle, and not for the first time, I imagine they are luxurious, white silk sheets, wrapping me in a cocoon, stopping time, stopping the Choosing Ceremony from creeping ever closer. I lie back in bed and stare at the ceiling. I look at the wooden panels, tracing every crack and dent above me. I know them like the back of my hand. And that's when I realise I can't stay in Abnegation. I can't look at this same ceiling, hear the same creaks as I roll over in bed, and long for those few glimpses in the mirror I get every day. Candor, Dauntless, Amity, Erudite. I run through my options. I cannot imagine myself in any of the factions, living with people who are devoted to their virtue. "Divergent. You are of all factions". Charlotte's words race through my head, and I feel the same dread I did when I first heard them. Unwillingly, my heart skips in excitement also, and involuntarily, my lips form the word, slowly, testing it out. "Divergent". It's beautiful and strong and it tastes of freedom. I turn back to my choices. Honesty, bravery, kindness, intelligence. I squeeze my eyes, not allowing the tears to seep through them. I cannot choose one choice, one life for myself. I think of my parents, of Caleb and then of myself. Then back to the factions. This circle continues playing in my head until I fall asleep.