weight

On her weight gain after undergoing a hysterectomy and the way people react to her body at different weights:

On the left: 138 pounds, complimented all day and propositioned by men and on the cover of a tabloid about diets that work. Also, sick in the tissue and in the head and subsisting only on small amounts of sugar, tons of caffeine and a purse pharmacy. On the right: 162 pounds, happy joyous & free, complimented only by people that matter for reasons that matter, subsisting on a steady flow of fun/healthy snacks and apps and entrees, strong from lifting dogs and spirits. Even this OG body positivity warrior sometimes looks at the left picture longingly, until I remember the impossible pain that brought me there and onto my proverbial knees. As I type I can feel my back fat rolling up under my shoulder blades. I lean in.

I would like to acknowledge and apologise for some of the things I wrote and spoke about over the past couple of years. I genuinely thought that I was doing the right thing for my health and wellness. I now know that I was completely in the depths of body dysmorphia and it really worries me that I was not a positive role model out there.

For the record, I never did lie about what I ate. I always was truthful. But the amounts I ate were never enough. The part that gets me though is that I truly thought they were. When I claimed that I ate loads, I thought that I did. I would fill up on foods that were low calorie, and think that I was eating a healthy balanced diet. I was extremely active, sometimes training 2-3 hours a day, and thought that that made me fit. But if someone offered me a piece of fruit to eat, I would become so anxious and fearful at the thought of having to eat it (something unplanned) that I would nearly be sick with worry. And I couldn’t calm down my anxiety until I had completed my training for the day. If I had a 5am call time, I would be in the gym at 3:30am. If my flight landed at 8pm, I would be in the gym at 9pm.

I am trying to temper my true passion for health and fitness with balance and meaning. I would eat such an extreme diet, and train so hard because I would look in the mirror and see someone who needed to lose weight looking back at me. I saw excess weight that needed to come off. When I would give interviews and discuss my eating habits I truly believed that eating predominately vegetables and protein shakes was ok. Obviously this is not ok. I am sorry for being so public about damaging eating habits.

Body dysmorphia is a terrifying thing. I have had countless conversations with fellow models, all of whom are tiny, where they call themselves fat. It is such a hard thing to understand if you are removed from this – weight and size should be objective. Either you fit the clothes, or you don’t. But when it becomes a mental game like this, it grows wings of its own. When I made the decision to start eating again, I really struggled with dysmorphia. Because this time I really was gaining weight. Nothing crazy – I threw away a few old pairs of jeans, but I am not built to be too curvy. But it was enough to give those head demons a microphone, especially since I had taken away the self soothing method I used to employ (starvation).

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37 year-old This Is Us actress Chrissy Metz recently wrote a memoir where she describes being fat-shamed and physically abused by her stepfather as a child.

On how her stepfather shamed her for her weight:

”My body seemed to offend him, but he couldn’t help but stare, especially when I was eating. He joked about putting a lock on the refrigerator. We had lived with a lack of food for so long that when it was there, I felt like I had to eat it before it disappeared. Food was my only happiness. And so, I began to hide my eating. I’d get up in the middle of the night and eat. I’d sneak food to eat in the bathroom. Cookies, chips. Things I could eat as fast as possible to avoid detection,” she writes. “Things that would give me the brief bliss of numbness.”

On how she was physically abused by her stepfather:

“He sat in a chair next to the scale as I got on. ‘Good God almighty!’ he yelled every single time. The number then was about 140 or 130. Most of my friends weighed about ninety pounds. ‘Why are you getting fatter?’ he demanded. I look at pictures of me from that time, and I would be so fine with being that size now. But I thought I was gigantic. By then the beating had escalated. One time he hit me, and I looked right in his face. If I had a gun, I thought, I would shoot you.”

Bridget Malcolm, the 26 year-old Victoria’s Secret model who has been criticized for looking too thin and obsessing too much over achieving a skinny look, has recently admitted in lengthy blog post that she’s been struggling with self hate and over-obsessing about thinness – but no more. Here are some highlights:

In August this year I made myself a promise. It was time to make peace with my body. I threw away my scales, my measuring tape and my body checking. I threw away all my clothes from when I was at my smallest. I deleted all the gym selfies from my instagram, and all of the “progress” shots from my phone. Basically, I wanted no point of reference any more of a time when I was smaller, or larger. I just wanted to stop looking in mirrors and telling myself that I was “too fat”, and “not doing enough”.

So I began to relax into eating well; healthily, because I feel better that way, but no longer skipping meals, and no longer restricting volume. I let go of any attempt to diet, and stopped having foods that were “bad” or “good”. I stopped allowing guilt to exist, and I stopped hard workouts altogether.

I cannot tell you how many times I went to bed with my head whirling – trying to get me to latch onto how much I ate at dinner, or during the day, or trying to convince myself to change my diet, start training hard again, start tracking my size, just start doing more.

Because the fact is, life is way too short to be focused on the exterior. Time spent worrying about your size is time wasted. There are far bigger fish to fry in the world than your thigh size. There are so many better uses for your brain.

I have gained weight. And I do not give a fuck about it. My life is so much more than my jean size. And every day when that voice in my head tries to tell me I am worthless, it gets a little easier to shut it down. I am setting myself free slowly.

Honestly I have been kind of leading a double life when it comes to by body image. I have pretended that everything is fine and that I love life, all whilst struggling in private with serious self hate.

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Khloe Kardashian may be eight months pregnant with her first child. But the 33-year-old realty Tv siren can remember back to the days when she went out of her way to look as thin as can be. And on Friday the girlfriend of Tristan Thompson named off the five tricks she uses to look as slender as ‘AF’ with a ‘sick bod’ in a post on her site khloewithak.com.

‘Dolls, you know I’ve never met a filter I didn’t like and I don’t hate on Photoshop, but there are even more stealth ways to look like you have a sick bod in pics. My tips really work, too! Study up below and get ready for your Insta comments to blow the f*ck up, lol!’

Her first tip seems pretty obvious, though hard to remember: ‘Hide Behind You Squad.’ The star said you can ‘literally halve yourself’ by ‘strategically’ having your pals flank you. The next is Have the Photographer Shoot From Above. The ‘only flattering angle’ is from above. Her third tip was, Stick Out Your Chin. She said this way one can ‘just say no to double-chin vibes!’ The fourth tip is to Use Your Arms and Shoulders: ‘Hands on hips. Bonus points if you angle sideways and use your camera-facing arm. ‘Shoulders back and away from ears. Always,’ said the author. The last tip was Wear Black and Vertical Stripes. She said prints and horizontal stripes ‘add instant bulk.’

Also good is to add a ‘spray-tan’ and to avoid ‘direct sunlight’ which is ‘your mortal enemy’ because ‘squinting enlarges your jawline.’ When seated, ‘cross your legs at your ankles so your thighs and calves look super slim.’ She added, ‘When in doubt, put a bag over your belly, like I did to hide my baby bump!’

In response to Khloe’s tips on how to look ‘thin AF’, The Good Place actress Jameela Jamil tweeted:

‘Don’t concentrate on school or work or achievements or your kids or your friendships or love… just make *sure* you look “THIN AF” in your edited Instagram pictures girls. That’s how to win life!’