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I'm starting this now so I can't be accused of one-upsmanship :) Here are some of the fascinating things I've endured, in my lifetime. I'm looking forward to hearing yours.

Chronologically:

Premature birth, due to car collision while I was in the womb

Drowned in a flood, I'm assured by my parents that I was technically dead for "minutes."

ICU for anaphylactic shock from PCN dosage

Kicked in the chest by a full-grown stud, both hooves

Nifty scar in my leg from an accidentally ricocheted 22LR

Broken hand as a result of having an entry door slammed on it in anger

Ruptured fire main, fragment severed my upper right lip

Failed fuel valve doused me in DFM, was blind for about a week due to fuel wax in eyes

Extreme whiplash, was t-boned at approx 50mph by a guy fiddling with his cell phone, before that was a "thing"

Fell on a downed stump post-Wilma, hairline hip fracture

I've had some other minor things, but those are my top ten. What are yours?

1. Broken stuff (fingers, hands, toes, feetsies).
2. Fractured shin (checking a leg kick).
3. Spontaneous Pneumothoraces (random collapsed lungs) 2 of them, one in each lung. The left one was so bad they were scared my heart was going to fall into void and kill me at any moment.
4. Pneumothorax from lung biopsy (yes it was cancer, not a false positive due to bird poop)
5. Blebs which lead to the removal of the top 1/3 of both lungs.
6. 2 cases of sciatica in two different spots, which each lead to surgical procedures 8 years apart to provide relief.
7. A machete to the leg which required 6 staples.
8. Randomly dislocating knees and shoulders.
9. A laundry list of birth defects I forget about till they bring me down to a humble pile of sobbing man creature.
10. Various head wounds which make me the manchild I am today.

“I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.”
BILL HICKS,
1961-1994

"Never believe that anti-Semites are completely unaware of the absurdity of their replies. They know that their remarks are frivolous, open to challenge. But they are amusing themselves, for it is their adversary who is obliged to use words responsibly, since he believes in words. The anti-Semites have the right to play. They even like to play with discourse for, by giving ridiculous reasons, they discredit the seriousness of their interlocutors. They delight in acting in bad faith, since they seek not to persuade by sound argument but to intimidate and disconcert. If you press them too closely, they will abruptly fall silent, loftily indicating by some phrase that the time for argument is past."
---Jean-Paul Sartre

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1. 69 stitches in my head in one night from being attacked by a gang at a party with baseball bats and trolley poles. Severe concussion and my head looking like I was Joseph Merrick.

2. Tore my shoulder trying to subdue a drunken friend. Still have issues with it more than a decade later and likely to get worse.

3. Broken jaw in five places from a motorbike accident, metal still in jaw. No sympathy, I was being an idiot.

4. Broke my arm while trying to show that I could still skateboard on a small ramp. I hadn't been on a board in about 5 years at that point, was much heavier, and ended up breaking the ramp. Laugh reacts only.

There's more, usually self inflicted. What? Everyone here knows I was a drinker.

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I don't think I'll win with my list, but it is fun to reminisce. Also chronological:

1. Born with umilical chord wrapped around my neck - yes not that uncommon but off to a good start.
2. 4 Stitches in forehead from running into corner of a wall circa 3yo
3. Nose Broken 5 times - including backflipping off a swing at preschool (5yo), getting hit in the face with a cricket bat playing backyard cricket (6yo) and an elbow during a tackle in rugby (14yo)
4. Greenstick fracture in metacarpal in right hand from punching a metal locker at school (13yo)
5. Massive heamotoma on my lumbral spine from landing on a spectators esky after being tackled over the sideline in Rugby. Couldn't walk for two days and required several inches of neoprene rubber strapped to my back to play in the U15 grand final the next weekend.
6. ACL rupture, MCL grade 2 tear and meniscus scrambling from a bad 3-way tackle in rugby. It was 2 weeks before the national championship (I was playing for our state rep side). 16yo
7. Dislocated little finger on left hand when it got caught on opponents guernsey during rugby game. Took several attempts first by the doctor then later by hospital staff to pull it back into place.
8. Detached Retina in right eye (assuming from rugby?), required a schleral buckle.
9. Herniated disc in lower back during a heavy squat (lucky I was in a power rack).
10. Torn intercostal muscles from enthusiastic knee-rides during my BJJ blue belt grading, broken rib during MMA sparring.

Jesus Christ, you and Murphy, wtf... Ya'll really do give me hope for the future..

Right over 200 external + 26 internal stitches and 6 staples in case anyone was wondering the totals of non-human materials which have or are holding me together.

“I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.”
BILL HICKS,
1961-1994

"Never believe that anti-Semites are completely unaware of the absurdity of their replies. They know that their remarks are frivolous, open to challenge. But they are amusing themselves, for it is their adversary who is obliged to use words responsibly, since he believes in words. The anti-Semites have the right to play. They even like to play with discourse for, by giving ridiculous reasons, they discredit the seriousness of their interlocutors. They delight in acting in bad faith, since they seek not to persuade by sound argument but to intimidate and disconcert. If you press them too closely, they will abruptly fall silent, loftily indicating by some phrase that the time for argument is past."
---Jean-Paul Sartre

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Jesus Christ, you and Murphy, wtf... Ya'll really do give me hope for the future..

Right over 200 external + 26 internal stitches and 6 staples in case anyone was wondering the totals of non-human materials which have or are holding me together.

Well it's easy to forget things.

Like the two screws I got into my left ankle 3 days before my 21st when my mate foot swept me on the way home from a night out (well, his 21st). Between that, my knee, my eye and my forehead I have no idea how many stitches I've had - but certainly not 200 (or even 100?) - but about 4-6 screws are still in there.

Makes me a little impressed at how well my body is still functioning when I list out all those injuries at once.

2018 Male Purple Belt Adult No Gi
#2 Ranked Competitor - QBJJC

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Three dudes in a bar, first one turns to the second one, lifts his shirt up and shows a six inch scar down his side, "I'm so fucking hard, I got this in a bar brawl from a knife, couple of inches up and doc said I would've been dead."

Second dude scoffs and pulls up his shirt to reveal a 12 inch scar that wrapped around the bottom of his stomach, "this! I'm so goddamn hard, this I got in a bar brawl with a broken stein, doc said less than an inch up and I would've been dead!"

Third guy's is sitting in the corner quietly chuckling to himself, they both turn to him and say, "show us what you got?"

He pulls up his shirt to reveal a still dark purple, fresh and thick scar running from his collarbone to the top of his dick.

The other two are stunned and both go, "Jesus, did you get that in a bar brawl?"

He says, "nah, post mortem."

GET A RED BELT OR DIE TRYIN'.

Originally posted by Devil

I think Battlefields and I had a spirited discussion once about who was the biggest narcissist. We both wanted the title but at the end of the day I had to concede defeat. Can't win 'em all.

Like the two screws I got into my left ankle 3 days before my 21st when my mate foot swept me on the way home from a night out (well, his 21st). Between that, my knee, my eye and my forehead I have no idea how many stitches I've had - but certainly not 200 (or even 100?) - but about 4-6 screws are still in there.
.

I am clumsy as shit. Let me say now openly the stitches are more from stupidity than "hardness".

Three dudes in a bar, first one turns to the second one, lifts his shirt up and shows a six inch scar down his side, "I'm so fucking hard, I got this in a bar brawl from a knife, couple of inches up and doc said I would've been dead."

Second dude scoffs and pulls up his shirt to reveal a 12 inch scar that wrapped around the bottom of his stomach, "this! I'm so goddamn hard, this I got in a bar brawl with a broken stein, doc said less than an inch up and I would've been dead!"

Third guy's is sitting in the corner quietly chuckling to himself, they both turn to him and say, "show us what you got?"

He pulls up his shirt to reveal a still dark purple, fresh and thick scar running from his collarbone to the top of his dick.

The other two are stunned and both go, "Jesus, did you get that in a bar brawl?"

He says, "nah, post mortem."

lol

“I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.”
BILL HICKS,
1961-1994

"Never believe that anti-Semites are completely unaware of the absurdity of their replies. They know that their remarks are frivolous, open to challenge. But they are amusing themselves, for it is their adversary who is obliged to use words responsibly, since he believes in words. The anti-Semites have the right to play. They even like to play with discourse for, by giving ridiculous reasons, they discredit the seriousness of their interlocutors. They delight in acting in bad faith, since they seek not to persuade by sound argument but to intimidate and disconcert. If you press them too closely, they will abruptly fall silent, loftily indicating by some phrase that the time for argument is past."
---Jean-Paul Sartre

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Torn ACL multiple dislocated toes dislocated fingers black eyes bloody noses chipped teeth bitten tongue multiple concussions I seriously can't remember how many I've had but they started when I was about eight years old.

Moderate to severe osteoarthritis in both shoulders my big toe joints both wrists do to Judo.

Give me upside down multiple scratched corneas Judo. Severely sprained ankle Judo I mean swollen up could walk on it for a month dislocated elbows Judo of course just look at it fingers Judo of course it's located course

Anyway you get the picture

Falling for Judo since 1980

"You are wrong. Why? Because you move like a pregnant yak and talk like a spazzing 'I train UFC' noob." -DCS

"The best part of getting you worked up is your backpack full of irony and lies." -It Is Fake

"Banning BKR is like kicking a Quokka. It's foolishness of the first order." - Raycetpfl

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Aww, fucking hell. I can't believe this wasn't on my list. I stare at it every day, in the mirror. Thanks to battlefields for reminding me.

6.5 on my list (chronologically) would be the time I fell 2.5 stories off a pump-jack scaffold and had the 2x12 plank I was standing on follow me down to then bounce of my forehead. That was the day my mom figured out that I had received my first tattoo, as she administered first aid while we waited for the clinic to open. Three layers of stitches, the gash exposed skull.

Consider for a moment that there is no meme about brown-haired, brown-eyed step children.

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The Caucasian always has stronger strength and when comes to grappling, Caucasians mostly win easily. I do know grappling and if I used it on Asians my size, it works. - Kung Fu dude that got waxed at OneFc try out.

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Torn tendon left foot (twice).
Broken clavicle left (twice).
Shattered wrist right (five places). Put an end to walking on the hands.
Cracked sternum.
Shoulder surgery right.
Gunshot wound to knee left.
Torn tendon thumb right.
Concussions too numerous to count (as evident by my posts and worry about this in the years to come).
Back injury body surfing after a typhoon (still bothers me occasionally when I twist wrong).
Bruised kidney (thanks Okinawan taxi drivers).
Torn dick.
Enough stitches to make a small quilt.
Hell of a lot of road rash.

Need surgery to left knee, right thumb and who knows what else. Neck is not so good. Do hemorrhoids count?

Reserving the right to amend above list based on deteriorating memory.