Every now and then, Lost in Showbiz comes across a celeb mag feature so viciously self-parodic that it can only be its trapped creator's cry for help – the print equivalent of tapping out the Morse distress signal for "I'M DROWNING IN THIS CRAP". Decide whether or not you agree, but I have to say I'm picking up a fairly strong mayday from this week's In Touch magazine, which runs with a feature entitled "Suri ­travels the globe with her blankie".

This mesmerising piece of work stars not just Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes's daughter, but a cot ­blanket, which is discussed in the cutesy reverential terms that ­imply that the blankie is fast emerging as a celebrity in its own right.

Let me clarify. The centrepiece of the feature is a map of the world, with red dots denoting the places in which the blankie has been spotted and photographed. "BERLIN," reads one caption. "Suri was 15 months old when her beloved ­Little Giraffe blankie made its public debut at Tiergarten park." "RIO DE JANEIRO," reads another. "When mom Katie Holmes took Suri for ice cream while they were in South America a year ago, the blankie came along." The magazine points out the blankie "is also loved by Violet Affleck and ­Kingston Rossdale", so it's nice to learn it's developing a social circle of peers – civilian ­children can't really understand the ­pressures a ­celebrity comfort object faces. ­"MIAMI," runs the final caption we have space for. "She still clings to her blanket, most recently at the Super Bowl."

Sure, the blankie's piling on the pounds, and it won't be long before its publicist announces it has entered a rest facility to address behavioural ­issues in light of that incident outside a West Hollywood bar. But face it: right now, even the transitional objects of celebrities are leading more fabulous lives than you. As for those to whom it falls to chronicle Blankie's movements, Lost in Showbiz initially ­assumed it could never be happy doing that job. But maybe it's time to commute all expectations. In the words of Nigel Tufnel, "What are the hours?"