Tedious, ungrammatical, unoriginal and tasteless crap from someone old enough to know better.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

TCM*

I apologise for using what might appear to be a vulgar heading, and if the sensibilities of my readers (a Mrs Trellis of North Wales) are disturbed then please note that my regret is sincere. It is just that that particular phrase was used by Penn Jilette on his television programme ‘Penn and Teller: Bullshit’ to describe Richard Nixon, as I have mentioned before on this site, and I wish that I had been the first to use it in that context.Tonight I found a link to a site that was reporting a new series of ‘Bullshit’, and when I clicked the link I found the following message:“We at Showtime Online express our apologies; however, these pages are intended for access only from within the United States.”Of course, my transatlantic friends have some justification in patenting bullshit, but I wonder what great national secret they are afraid of revealing. I am also prompted to wonder what Mr Jilette’s reaction might be to that page.

An even bigger bunch of TCM is that group known by the amusing sobriquet of ‘Physicists’. I have alluded earlier to my scepticism about the laws of physics and the mental health of physics teachers. Those thinking that I am a little extreme in my criticism should take note of the contents of this ridiculous article. Please note that I have warned before that Yahoo news links tend to expire quite quickly, so if you are reading this later than April 2005, the link may have expired: I shall therefore give you my version.Apparently, there is a lump of stuff somewhere in Paris that has been used as a standard for exactly how much a kilogram weighs. This stuff has sat quite happily in the French capital (quite an achievement in itself – have you ever tried to get vegetarian food in this so-called cultural centre?) for some time (I will not be fooled into trying to define the length of time of this contented sitting). TCM are now saying that we should not rely on this lump of stuff because it is subject to change – it reacts with air for example. The implications of this are that the kilo of feathers that you buy in Anchorage may actually be a different weight to the kilo of coal that you purchase in Nairobi, even if the apparatus used to measure both had been calibrated with this lump of stuff in Paris at some time.At this juncture, may I just point out: I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO.TCM are suggesting that instead of relying on a lump of stuff – Gallic or otherwise - we should be defining mass in terms of “counting the number of atoms in a silicon crystal using X-ray imaging”.So there you have it. Next time you visit Waitrose to stock up on comestibles, insist that the manager counts the number of silicon atoms in front of you, lest you are overcharged for your aubergines.If you think that I am being over emotional about this, please visit LiveScience.com and see other articles there. “Scientists now admit they don't understand the intricacies of how water works”.At this juncture, may I just point out: I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO.“..scientists say the air around us is heavier than they had thought”. Who, and exactly how many whos, gives a flying Newton about that.We need to free ourselves of the shackles of this bizarre religion of Physics. No more should our children be subjected to double physics on freezing cold Monday mornings in February in dilapidated classrooms listening to TCM expounding their perverted beliefs.I had been struggling with the dilemma (much more tangible than that of the twat Schrodinger) about for whom to vote in the forthcoming general election. Let me say this (does that sound like Tony Blair?), if your party does not support the criminalisation of physics, then you need not bother to knock on my door.

I might join the bus (does it go to Rishikesh?), but first let me tell you the only bus anecdote that springs to mind.circa 1971, members of the Talke Pits Development Company, heavily under the influence of psychelic drugs, are about to board a bus to get home. "Is this bus going to Talke?" asks one of them. Hilarity ensues.Now, do you still think you could tolerate my company?

A physics major once tried to explain to me why time moves either quicker or slower (I don't remember or care which) the closer you get to the North Pole. I hit him with half a brick until his head exploded* No more than he deserved, I think.

Alan, I cannot condone violence, even if, all the while you were hitting him, he was explaining the effect of increased force on the brick and consequently his head, and the laws of gravity.I would have, as a more gentle alternative, told him that time was only the eight dimension, and he should really try some of this mescaline if he wanted to understand this. Or something.Could he explain how buses slow down the nearer you get to the North Pole? That would have been useful, at least.