i thought the universe threw me a bone but all i can find is this wadded up toilet paper roll

struggling.

according to a survivor friend, there's a good chance that with this latest round of bloodwork, my endocrinologist is simply doing what needs to be done to get clearance from my insurance for the super 'spensive PET scan.

but judy! you did a scan in november and it turned up nothing, you're saying. whelp, RAI scans can apparently miss a re-occurrence if it is very early. they can also miss some of your more esoteric metastasis. in this context, as with the vast majority of cancer-related contexts, "esoteric" is not in my favor. survivor friend is over her ears in esoteric thyroid cancer metastasis. she knows of what she speaks.

i am dealing with some depression, major healthcare burnout, as well as that thing that happens when you've been swept up for months in a Dramatic Life Happening and then, some of the dust clears, or at least you think some of the dust clears, revealing the huge mess of things you've left unattended for months on end and oh, god, the entropy, the fucking entropy. the unresolved. the unsaid. the spoiled milk in the refrigerator. the fear about something other than cancer killing me in my sleep. it might be refreshing, at least, to be afraid about something else? but! it is not.

i'll be talking about PET scans with my endocrinologist, you betcha, that and so much more, but for now? i'm taking a few days off.

i could really use some good thoughts and friendly notes. haiku, even. here is as good a place as any, should you not know my email address (or you keep ending up with my british namesake. she has to be getting some of my mail, considering how much i get of hers.)

I don't remember whether I ever had your e-mail, but I don't now. (Many new lappies in the last coupla years.) I'm always reachable here, at FB, or even at tumblr (churchofpoetry), and I'm church.of.poetry care of the gee mails.

Sorry your friend who knows has you rattled, but I hope if there's a PET scan needed, your insurance ponies up for it. And then that the results are nothing but good.

i mean, this antibodies-in-the-blood deal could very well be what's up. and the impression i got was that if was the case, it might, might, very well conclude our advanced screening marathon for 2015 and now also 2016.

so that is, honestly! what i am hoping for, honestly! because honestly! i do want to think positive and choose joy and all that business. it's just this spiraling in on me a lot like my initial diagnosis did and my narrative-seeking missal of a brain (i can make that pun with you!) is having a very exhausting field day. because even though i very nearly get homicidal with anybody coming at a cancer patient with the "negative thinking gives you cancer so stop thinking negative" treatment plan, the drunken beauty pageant mother that is occasionally my super ego likes to bludgeon me with it when i am at my most sleepy and vulnerable.

"Drunken beauty pageant mother," holy crap, what a super ego! Mine hectors me about all kinds of things too, but I've never pigeon holed her quite that exquisitely. :D

Someone I follow at Tumblr follows someone (unknown to me except as a name that occasionally is tacked onto a post) whose screen name is "positivethinkingforlosers." I always look at the name and feel amused! Positive thinking isn't my bag, eh? ;)

I was trying to find my "earth heart" icon but saw this and thought it might appeal to you. The D in the sign was burned out for a while in Laurel. *G*

WHAT DO YOU MEAN PERFECT IS IMPOSSIBLE! I'LL GIVE YOU IMPOSSIBLE! NOW YOU DANCE, LITTLE GIRL, DANCE!

not real sure where she came from, however. she's the opposite of my mom. what i'm saying is: maybe it's good that i don't have kids.

positive thinking's for sissies! you gotta learn to embrace the dark side if you're going to get anywhere real with the light. barbara ehrenreich is my hero. ;-) (seriously? she did an interview while i was still at the radio station and as much as i loved her, that's how much most of our callers seemed to hate her. and wanted to argue with her. and explain away every truth she spoke about surviving breast cancer in the strange and often marginalizing culture surrounding breast cancer. she put into words a lot of what my mom's experienced with it in bright sided. just on a basic human interaction level, it can be difficult when any illness serves as such a spotlight.) what's tricky is finding the balance. i don't know that i'm ever going to find it. not in a perfect way to be sure. that's impossible.