GIRLS OF SURVIVOR, PART II: HOT N’ NOT-SO-HEAVY

If you’ve spent any significant amount of time with me, you know that I love Survivor. You might also know that I used to have a blog over at Blogger which was not relegated to just music news. Back in October of 2007, during the 15th season of Survivor, I dedicated a post to my favorite (read: hottest) girls to compete for the million dollars, Robinson Crusoe-style. To this day, that post has seen, and continues to see, more traffic than the fire escape outside your mom’s bedroom window. This explains why that’s the only non-music related post that made the jump over to Sounds Like Shark (*high-fives HTML redirect code*), and explains why I’m doing it again for the rest of this post. I gots to keep all you horndogs happy! This time around, though, it’s very much music-related, don’t worry…In a Sounds Like Shark EXCLUSIVE, frightening 50-year-old firefighter Julie Wolfe of the currently airing 22nd season has revealed herself to be Anberlin frontman Stephen Christian in leathery disguise. I guess Anberlin needs the cash, I dunno.

yeesh.

So without further ado, in the name of shamelessly garnering more pageviews, I give you the hottest girls of Survivor, seasons 16 through 22…

Mary Sartain (Season 16: Micronesia – Fans vs Favorites)

Proof that producers don’t influence the pecking order on the show. Mary was voted out the second week. What a waste. Get your act together, Mark Burnett.

Tracy Hughes-Wolf (Season 16: Micronesia – Fans vs Favorites)

I wasn’t planning on including Tracy in this post. Then I found the above photo.

Natalie Bolton (Season 16: Micronesia – Fans vs Favorites)

Unsuspecting and seemingly camera-shy early on, she turned the black widow factor up to 11 halfway through the game, playing more like a “favorite” than the “fan” that she was. She came in fourth place in the game and first place in scaring the sh*t out of all the guys on the island.

A glaring omission from my first post, Amanda has played the game three times and currently holds the record for second-most cumulative days (108) on the show. The former Miss Montana USA (2005) has advanced to the finals twice, but has never won the million. So, she has no problem lasting, but can’t seem to finish. If Amanda met me at the end of a night of binge whiskey-drinking, she’d find out that we have at least one thing in common. (Call me, Amanda!)

Michelle Chase (Season 17: Gabon)

I don’t remember much about this chick because she was voted out first. She’s cute and enjoys sitting on rocks…that’s all you need to know. Now get off my back, will ya?!

Annoying and overly emotional on the show, but she cleans up nice apparently, and that’s really all that matters here. The internet tells me she’s an actress, and doesn’t mind taking her top off, as well…in a movie called Sex and Death 101. Go figure.

Candace Smith (Season 18: Tocantins)

The former Miss Ohio USA (2003) only lasted two weeks in the game, but there was always something very familiar about her. Turns out she’s a former “Barker’s Beauty” from The Price Is Right and a comedic actress with a very small, but very awesome and very naked scene in one of my favorite comedies Beerfest. Oh, and she’s got a law degree from Northwestern. She also happens to take up the whole bed when she sleeps over. Nobody’s perfect I guess, right?

Sydney Wheeler (Season 18: Tocantins)

Man, I forgot how stacked this season was. Thanks for helping to remind me, Sydney.

Sierra Reed (Season 18: Tocantins)

Careful there, Sierra. This is a family-friendly blog.

Kelly Sharbaugh (Season 19: Samoa)

It’s not nice to point, Kelly.

Natalie White (Season 19: Samoa)

Rode Russell Hantz’s coattails all the way til the end. She won the million dollars and the privilege to ride my coattails any. time. she. wants. AMIRITE, FELLAS?!

Alina Wilson (Season 21: Nicaragua)

Difficult to like on the show, and although she knew how to play the game, she’s not as smart as I had thought…You don’t need a belt to hold up that bikini bottom, dummy!

Brenda Lowe (Season 21: Nicaragua)

In the game, she was an emotionless strategist with a great shot at winning. Outside the game, she’s a fun-loving surfer girl with an impressive, sexy resume: Hispanic beauty pageant winner, game show model, Miami Dolphins cheerleader, and currently the owner of a Miami-based paddleboarding company. I think I just found my excuse to visit Miami again.

“Purple Kelly” Shinn (Season 21: Nicaragua)

She’s a quitter and not very bright, but I have a hunch she’ll go far in life. Keep livin’ the dream, Purple Kelly!

Stephanie Valencia (Season 22: Redemption Island)

Pretty unlikeable this season thus far, but she’s cute, models for IGN, handles large cutlery in her underwear, and is clearly a Jedi-in-training. Hope you’re not too attached to those nuts of yours, Probst.

Ashley Underwood (Season 22: Redemption Island)

She’s a fan of big hoop earrings and has a nursing degree. That’s a combo that absolutely reeks of pageant girl. And, oh, would you look at that? Miss Maine USA 2009 at your service. She also played professional women’s basketball overseas, which is actually pretty unique and cool…the exact opposite way to describe her high-maintenance, entitled, and lazy behavior on the show so far.

Natalie Tenerelli (Season 22: Redemption Island)

This 19-year-old seems to excel at laying around in the sun with friends. Which is exactly what she does this season with Ashley (above), in between pretend pajama parties and pruning each other. “Find what you love, and do it well,” I always say. Which is markedly different from what I always do, which happens to be, “Find what you’ll settle for, and do it half-assed or until she tells you to stop trying and just go to sleep.”

Now, it’s not like I have to remind you, but I try to keep this blog respectable. If you’ll recall from Part I, as a man of science and as my contribution to the betterment of society, I take this opportunity in the post to balance out the gratuitous T&A with some data and charts oozing with educational merit (see “Parabolic Trends of Seasonal Bangability” and “Number of Femmes Vs. Uses of Hotness“). I don’t feel like updating those graphs, so I’m about to drop some new knowledge on ya azzes.

You just got learned, son.

With the 22nd season still in progress, this shows how well the best looking girls from seasons 1 through 21 performed in each their respective games. I hope you’re paying attention, ladies, because I think it’s pretty obvious that this is irrefutable evidence that attractiveness goes hand-in-hand with success. Better luck next year, fuglies!