When they arent nightmares or Daymares, then they are EXTREMELY VIVID.

3 for 3

One about someone (I’ve known since 1st grade) who was moving pretty far away. And me needing to say goodbye.

One about GI Jane, her adorable new little guy and me being there as grandma because KK couldn’t.

And last night, after all the horrible visions of sadness I had during the day…I dreamed of me and KK having an amazing time (she was not as sick) laughing and having fun, out causing a ruckus. I didn’t want to wake up.

My head has been a non-stop, unfocused, overthinking…circle of emotions. My only comparison? A hamster wheel. I’m tired.

For the past two years +, my life has been beaten down, broken, hopeless at times and then attempted to be glued back together with broken promises, lies and manipulation. As each day passes, some things do feel like they are falling into place, but then…my head starts spinning again.

I lose it. I lose my ability to be concerned with myself because I’m so focused on everyone else. Wanting to help. Be there to catch them. Be the fixer. The caregiver. I feel like I am the only one who can do it all. I don’t want to let go.

I want to be the one who keeps the friendships together, but why when the majority of them aren’t putting in any effort? The one who checks in on Family who has no one else to visit with, to share with. I don’t want anything in return. Just to know my presence is welcomed.

BabyAm is no longer my “baby”…that’s a hard chunk to swallow. She has put herself in the shitty situation she’s in, all by herself. As a Mom, I can’t stand watching her learn the hard way. I gave her the easy directions but they must have been misplaced somewhere along the way. I believe in her. I have blind faith that she will continue to work through the mud and guck that got her stuck here in the first place. She’s beautiful and smart…although sometimes to her detriment, but I know she can succeed in anything she puts her mind to!

She has been living at the Women’s Mission for about 7 weeks now. That does not feel right. Though we set a date for her to move out, the courts took her out 1st, ordered her to the Women’ Mission and among other things, placed a no contact order on our house. We can still see her, just not here. That makes things almost impossible. She’s working a full time day job, has Drug court classes 4 nights a week, AA meetings and strict curfew rules at the shelter. Did I just say shelter…ugh. No parent should have to go through this. I rarely get to see her and even talking or texting is hit and miss with her schedule. Sober friends usually get her free time, which breaks my heart but I try and understand she’s trying to grow up and help us both let go of each other. I hate it. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t have a daughter…I feel an empty spot where she’s supposed to be. She’s where she is supposed to be tho. She will get the direction she needs from others to grow and flourish in this big world. The world that needs her experiences to pass on to others who need comfort and encouragement, from someone who KNOWS and understands just where they are, loves/accepts them for just who they are until they can love themselves. I know this all has happened for a reason. I can’t wait to see what great things come out of this!!

As for me, I’ve been to counseling off and on, been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, BiPolar II, and been re diagnosed with ADHD. Fun stuff. 2 years of taking my mood stabilizer for the BiPolar, I began having tremors. Gradually getting worse and worse. So much that my beautiful hand writing looked just like a 90 year old man’s. Very rough. I felt as if I was going to go crazy. Not being able to text, to type on the laptop keyboard, not being able to hold a fork steady enough to get it into my mouth, or keep my legs from bouncing up and down (in public no less).

All of this happening while changing med doctors 3 times, and counselor twice… No fault of my own. The newest med doc started from the beginning with me, and immediately took me off the medicine she thought was causing the tremors…6 weeks later…90% better! Writing like my own self again. Some days are worse than others but anything is better than it was! She changed up my meds and decided that I needed to feel all these emotions right now. That it’s healthy, and I’ve been so numbed up the past couple years that it was time to experience the reality of hurt, concern, anger and to feel happiness when I’m able. I didn’t like hearing it, but I understood and accepted it.

Add into my own issues…KKs cancer returned, in her lungs this time and into her brain just as quickly. She started out with 5 tumors in her brain…it’s now up to 8. Some of them are new, some have grown, and a couple stayed the same. She has two new lymph nodes growing in her lung in addition to the cancer mass. In January (2014), the doctor gave her 6-12 months. It’s now August. Her daughter GI Jane is expecting a little boy the end of Dec/1st of Jan…her 1st grandbaby! Today started her 3rd round of radiation. Possibly a third round of chemo as well…hoping for a few more months. I want to be there for her again at every appointment, every radiation etc…but sometimes I don’t feel welcomed by others in her family. They weren’t the ones sitting with her all day during chemo, watching the nurses pump poision into her body..so some days now are harder than others, but I manage. Crying after almost every appointment once I get to my car.

Selfish moment here because I’m not the only one feeling this horrible heartache…but this is my best friend. She’s only 44. Why her? Watching this happen for the past 4 1/2 years has been devastating. Seeing her sick, lose her hair, have blood clots in her legs, develop steroid induced diabetes that put her in the hospital for 3 days. Her family…my heart just aches for them. A daughter who is also going to lose her best friend and mother, a Grandbaby on the way, 8 year old little man and a husband who just got told that he needs back surgery ASAP…and his career is over. What more can be throw at this precious family?

And on the home front here…well my rock, my wonderful…loving…patient…kind husband has his hands full at work. He has been out of town so much this past year, and this month we have figured he will be gone 20 out of 31 days. Tough. We are trying to get used to the “Empty Nest” again but it’s even more empty without him. I know that’s how he supports us, so I support him and his job. It doesn’t make it suck any less tho. This man is my world. I love him dearly.

There’s still more to share, but another day.

Overall, things are ok. Very up and down. Just like me every night. But it’s just still gotta be “One Day at a Time”. Right? Sometimes one hour, one minute, one second…

Recently, KK moved out into the country…well 25 minutes from town which does sort of constitute the country around here. They are on 11 acres!

They invited us out there to celebrate Kool-aid’s birthday. We couldn’t wait! Both KK and I felt so excited to see one another again, that it was almost like Christmas Eve. It’s been THAT long!

Barns, horse stalls (and a horse named Honey), an arena, and tons of farming land. The house is amazing, and GI Jane has her own attached apartment out there which is nice as well. Kool-aid can just run to his little 6 year old’s ever-lovin content, pretty much not get into too much trouble, and just be a BOY.

I loved it out there, so peaceful…quiet, serene. I must admit I’m a little jealous but honestly I think I’m a city girl. I think I would love to visit more often and soak up some of that wonderfulness she has out there, but I like being close to things…why? I have no idea.

I was sitting on the love seat next to her, and she started moving around. I thought maybe my foot was in her way (as I was sitting on one leg)…but she said no, and ended up moving so she was resting up against me. Just like old times. I really miss her.

Cancer takes a toll on everyone. It sucks. It’s taken over a year for her and I to find our “normal” again. And I’m not sure that either of us have found what that means completely. I know I’m getting closer, and I can see she is, just in her smile…we’ll get there.

Until then, I have this picture to remind me what a wonderful friend I have in her and that the bond we have is so completely different than what some might imagine.

Some friends of ours just split up. I don’t have any details and it sucks. But right now my heart is broken, my stomach is churning, I am just so confused. I thought that they were one of the happiest couples we knew. I did however know that something was up, just couldn’t put my finger on it.

The jerk neighbors have had “Just Married” written all over their car (that hasn’t moved since that day) for over 2 months now. Why?

Same neighbors tore out all their cat-pee bushes and threw them in their front yard (over two weeks ago) and they are still there. Their grass is dying. Now the other neighbor has quit mowing their lawn for them, so it looks quite trashy. They are not renters. Who does this?

Now the two houses we look at every day out our window look like dumps. Nice.

One more week (7 days really), and it will be ONE year since I smoked a cigarette!!!! Well, both Hubby and I…can’t leave him out. We are doing so well.

I haven’t wanted to ask, but i hope one of my sweet friends who has been trying to lick the smoking habit too, is doing good with it. If she’s reading this, maybe she’ll let me know. I’ve not stopped rooting for her. You go girl!

Cancer still sucks. Chemo sucks. All the side effects of Chemo suck too. I think it sucks that I can’t help KK. It’s starting to really piss me off.

Our vacation (that I didn’t mention yet) was wonderful…we ate our way through Portland and Seattle…but my back ached the entire time, and my ankle…still not healed.

My “To Do” list is too long for me to even start writing it out.

I haven’t felt like blogging lately. I must be going through a “season”…I don’t know if I like it. I miss getting things off my chest.

Really…they split up? I still am in shock. Hurting for them both. So unexpected.

My hair is coming back in VERY dark. Scary dark. (The pictures below don’t show it though) I really had no idea. I’m not sure why it’s bothering me so much. I seriously don’t believe the crap about Blondes having more fun, so what’s the problem here people???

I was sittin on the love-seat a week or so ago and Hubby jokingly (really he was joking) said that from where he was standing, I looked like an old man from behind… COME ON!

Say it isn’t so…this is what he saw…well from the top anyway…

It is so, isn’t it…?

And then last night, he took a couple picture of my head again…
only this time to show me that the Old Man he saw before,
might just be table condiments.

Salt an’ Peppa! AHHHH!!!!

I complain, whine and moan, but nothing can compare to what KK is going through. Last night GI Jane’s Facebook said that Momma had a couple bald patches…which sucks. The doctor told her that it wouldn’t be long after starting Chemo about 12-18 days, and today is day 12. Man its so strange how they can be right on the nose with crap like this.

Please keep KK and her family in your prayers, this journey for them is just beginning and it’s going to be a very long one. Yesterday the announcement was reported (finally in the media) that GI Jane leaves for Iraq in September. This totally could not have come at a worse time. Thankfully KK has a great support team and GI Jane knows we’ll take great care of her Momma.

*according to our President’s campaign, he was going to have the troops ALL out of Iraq by May

Barack Obama will work with military commanders on the ground in Iraq and in consultation with the Iraqi government to end the war safely and responsibly within 16 months.

And lastly, there is no nice way to say this but, for those of you who know me personally, I am not a lover of political discussions and I know you will understand where I am coming from and is not meant for you. This is my blog, and if you want to have any sort of political conversation with me, or leave me nasty comments because of the above quote…don’t bother, I will delete them.

Really? We need to spring forward this weekend? It snowed here last night. Pathetic.

I am not happy about this one bit. It is beautiful while it’s coming down, and at 2am it absolutely WAS beautiful. However, I was hoping to wake up with it completely melted.

Was I asking for too much? Yeah, I thought so. At least the sun is shining, and the sky is blue.

Now, if the wind would go away, it’s so cold!

**Update on KK**….Her surgery went perfectly. She is doing so good, she hurts mostly under her arm, which is expected. If you haven’t visited her blog, I totally suggest you do. We got some great pictures on Surgery day, and she is just such a positive ray of sunshine for all of us who are worried about her.

We now have a team for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure, here on the 8th of May…so I’ll get some information posted on that soon. As a team we’re trying to raise $500 but my team doesn’t know that yet either. LOL