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Thursday, December 3, 2009

Ladies, have you ever suspected that your boyfriend may be the tiniest bit queer? Well, next time you have the kids over for a fondue party, after you’ve washed your hair with pantene pro-v shampoo/conditioner and lauded yourself for being beautiful, you may want to pull out a Ouija board – or a Witchboard (1985) as the children call them nowadays.

Tawny Kitaen is one of those girls who are crazy hot until they speak and you realize that their permissive sexuality is just cover for deep depression, body issues, and never getting enough attention from her dad after the third grade talent show. I’ll give her one thing: Tawny can host a party. When not writhing on a car in a Whitesnake video or chatting up Dr. Drew, Tawny is always entertaining! Her guests are at the height of fashion and they pontificate on God in relation to art and the big bang theory for hours on end! She is the one who taught me that a party is only as good as your guestlist. However, one night Tawny made the tragic mistake of inviting Brandon to her dinner party. Brandon is that bitchy, mincing shrew from The Boys in the Band, complete with egyptian rings and gold bracelets; only, instead of the telephone game, Brandon makes them all play with his Ouija board then chastises them for their pronunciation ("wee-jah" is correct, never "wee-gee"). Leave it to a gay! Adding insult to injury, Tawny learns that the boy she had been courting for months, Jim, is not only a gay, but was once in a long term relationship with bitchy Brandon and her party was only a means of getting them back together. DAMMIT!

Tawny uses all her tactics - throwing herself into walls and pouring ketchup on her floor, but those boys are in gay love and want nothing more to do with her. You know how bitchy fags can be. Left to her own devices, Tawny makes friends with a spirit through the Ouija board who helps her realize that she’s better than just being a pawn to gay men and drugged-out rockers.

"You know what I'm afraid of more than anything else? That I'll never be able to love anyone and I'll spend the rest of my life alone."

Witchboard is a riot. As my friend John would say, it's like a bad Wednesday episode of General Hospital! Regardless of it having been shot on a camcorder with bare-bulb utility lights, this movie is enjoyable and remarkably and unapolgetically a gay love story. Jim works at the gayest construction site you've ever seen where all the men wear high-waisted jeans and no shirts. People die in this movie that are in no way related to the Ouija or our protagonists. Rose Marie plays a landlady named Mrs. Moses (because she's so old, GET IT?!). Men weep openly. Tawny Kitaen has a waterbed. Need I say more?