Eliminating the danger from teen dating

Published 7:00 pm, Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Emotionally abusive relationships are not the domain of adulthood. Teens might also encounter abusive behavior when they date —and not even realize it.

Does she constantly scroll through the messages and texts on his phone? Does he prevent her from hanging out with her friends? Are either of them excessively needy? Possessive? Jealous? Manipulative? Controlling?

Helping teens learn to identify signs of unhealthy behavior and to develop a plan for coping with them are part of a movement by domestic violence prevention groups and experts to promote healthy relationships.

At their emotional prime, teens are a target for such education outreach efforts.

One of them is Love is Respect, the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline. The two-year-old program is part of the National Domestic Voilence Hotline. Its trained teen-aged advocates are resources available at 1-866-331-9474 and in an online chatroom at www.loveisrespect.org. The program also promotes its teen dating Bill of Rights, which lists how to be treated and how to treat others in relationships.

The recent alleged domestic violence case of Chris Brown and Rihanna brought a surge of interest, said Retha Fielding, program spokeswoman. Calls were up 43 percent from a year ago, she said, and website traffic set a record.

Here in Houston, Teen Dating Safety is the focus of an upcoming workshop that will look beyond teen sex or alcohol and drug use.

The format is unusual in that both teens in middle and high school and parents are invited to the 90-minute forum, which is offered as part of the Speaker’s Series at St. Luke’s Center for Counseling and Life Enrichment. It meets at 6:30 p.m. May 12 in the Rotunda Theatre at St. Luke’s United Methodist Church.

Psychologist Beth Fowler is leading the program. She’s an adolescent and family therapist and a consultant at Episcopal High School. She has presented the information to small groups of girls, but said boys can also be vulnerable.

Fowler said the workshop will give parents “a reality check” on what their teens might encounter when they date. Times have changed since their own teen dating experiences.

For teens, meanwhile, it’s a chance to explore signs of dating abuse, whether they’ve encountered it or heard about it.

As mediator, Fowler is prepared to tweak the format to make particupants comfortable and forthcoming.

If the program raises consciousness, that’s a good first step, Fowler said.

Being able to put a name to unhealthy behaviors that might be happening also helps teens, she said. They might know something isn’t right in a relationship, but are inexperienced in managing it.

Fielding and Fowler both said teens need to trust their gut instincts, but they also need to cultivate them.

Fowler is an advocate of “predicting and planning.”

Teens need to grow their “antennae” for sensing and gathering the kind of information to feed that instinct, she said.

This is particularly challenging since the technology teens use to communicate also reduces what is communicated since it blocks the social clues, such as voice inflection and facial expression.

“The dilemma our teens face in the age of communication is they’re ‘in touch’ but ‘out of touch’,” she said.

Fielding agreed that technology makes unhealthy behavior more subtle and harder for others to detect. It’s ironic, she said, since parents view their children’s cellphones as a safety device.

By offering the workshop, St. Luke’s hopes parents will be reminded of how it feels to be a teenager. And, they’ll gain perspective on today’s teenhood issues to help them with the parenting decisions that come up, said Amy Burchill, director of St. Luke's Center for Counseling and Life Enrichment.

“The idea is to open up the conversation,” she said, though teen-agers being teen-agers, any actual talking might take place long after the workshop ends.