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The following day, December 17, 1763, the Boston Chronicle published the now universally famous essay “Welcome to Colonial History Month” penned by the talented Tory inkstained scribe, Sir Francis Rich.

Rich’s incisive essay no doubt changed the course of Colonial history in the Americas and is still taught in Freshman Journalism class at the King’s Ivy League schools to this day.

In the piece, Rich correctly identifed the Original Tea Party crew as racists for dressing like Injuns to dump crates of legal, lightly taxed tea into Boston Harbor in a faux protest driven by their misguided desire to demonize the King of England.

In his most famous passage, Sir Rich spoke Truth to the Usurpers of Power:

How our current spike in neo-Colonial rebellion will end is unknown. It’s unnerving that Tea Party leaders and the so-called Sons of Liberty now aim to create a new volunteer militia that, as Prime Minister Lord North has put it, would use as yet mysterious means to “help defend against what they believe are illegal and improper infringements by the Crown on Colonial sovereignty.”

This is the same ideology that animated Guy Fawkes, whose attempted strike against the so-called ‘tyrannical’ King’s government will reach its 165th anniversary on Monday in the same city where Parliament meets.

Once correctly educated by Rich, the loyal subjects of Massachusetts united in a backlash against the Tea Partiers. The deceptively named Sons of Liberty were arrested and prosecuted including ringleader Samuel Adams.

Upon his release from gaol, Samuel Adams was publicly forced to imbibe copious amounts of his own illegal home brew before being tarred, feathered and ridden from town on a rail — but not before being levied for the full amount of alcohol taxes due by his Majesty’s tax collector, Sir Timothy Geithner.

As teachers and students know well, the loyal subjects of Massachusetts learned the correct lesson from this episode, including many commoners who may have been initially snookered by the heated rhetoric of Adams et al.

The good people of Massachusetts rejected the false promises of the Sons Of Liberty and have remained true to the Crown to this day.

With his characteristic wit and insight, Sir Francis forestalled a potential Revolution in the Americas– and no doubt saved The Colonies from a descent into the inevitable chaos of Democracy and Individual Liberty.

And that boys and girls is today’s lesson in Progressive Revisionist History…

Aside: Samuel Adams was once quoted as saying, “I know Lord Charles Blow and Charles Blow is no Crispus Attucks.”

satirical inspiration from this @GovKaineBrow tweet:

HISTORY REVISED: Tories brand the ORIGINAL Tea Party crew as racists for dressing like Injuns & forestall the American Revolution… #tcot