Dividing dad's ashes might placate all

Dear Abby: How important are a dying person's last wishes? My dad died recently and said he wanted to be buried with his first wife in a state far from where we live.

Dear Abby: How important are a dying person’s last wishes?

My dad died recently and said he wanted to be buried with his first wife in a state far from where we live.

If his estate — or his widow — can’t afford to comply with his request, would it be horrible to do something else?

To follow Dad’s final wishes would take a sizable chunk of his estate. His wife thinks that following his last wishes isn’t important, because of the cost, but I am really bothered.

Dad was in the Navy during World War II. If his wife isn’t willing to spend the money, would I still be a good guy by scattering his ashes in the ocean? I know he’d rather be in the deep than on a shelf in the work shed. Please help.

— Disturbed Son in Nevada

Dear Disturbed Son: Your letter illustrates why it is important for people to have their wishes in writing.

As far as granting a personal last wish, you need to use your best judgment, particularly if doing so would cause financial hardship.

In this case, cremation would be a creative way to make everyone happy. Your father’s ashes could be divided into thirds, with one portion placed with his first wife, another with his second wife and the rest scattered at sea.

Dear Abby: My spouse, “Jack,” and I were married four years ago. Three years ago, he made me choose between him and my then-7-year-old son.

I haven’t spoken to or seen my son for three years. Not having my child in my life has made me depressed, but I keep it bottled up.

Jack has three children — all adults. We rarely see them. I brought two children, ages 7 and 14, into our marriage.

Jack says he doesn’t want to be a father or grandfather. (We have three grandchildren.) I am scared to question why it is like this.

Am I a terrible mother and grandmother? Does this mean he doesn’t really love me, as my children are a part of me? I want to be a grandmother and enjoy my grandchildren.

— Sad in Arizona

Dear Sad: Jack seems to be so preoccupied with his own needs, desires and control over you that he probably doesn’t think about much else.

That you are “scared” to question him speaks volumes about your relationship.

If you want to be a part of your children’s and grandchildren’s lives, you will have to do so without his blessing or participation. You will also have to strengthen your backbone and emancipate yourself.