Messages - hopeful

I'm a 47 year old, recovering PA, and partner of "hoopvol", also on RN.I just want to say to you , and all PA partners, that you are playing such an important roll in recovering from Porn.Your stories have helped my wife and me a lot in getting to understand this horrible addiction, and learning to fight it.I've always read your posts with great interest Emerald, thank you !Now I'm recovering, after 20+ years of betrayal, pain and lies.Every day, I feel the guild and shame, for behaving like a big ,egocentric jerk , in the past.Finally, my wife brought me to my senses, and made the choice of fighting this together, and for our relationship.I'm forever thankful for that, and will never forget what she did, and still does for me and our family.I admire her strength and persistence, and most of all her wisdom.Many of you, have played a very important roll in our recovery, and I thank you for that.I know now what my PA did to her, and how great the damage was/is, I caused. Wish I could go back and start over , cause I feel, no one should be treated like this, and certainly does not deserve this. Well, right now I'm doing great, and am making efforts to gain her confidence, cause she, after all, chose and deservers a better man than I was. Every day I thank her for not giving up on me, I see her, hear her and love her with all my heart.Recovering involves both partners, we (PA's), just can't do it on our own. We all need strong partners who fight with us, in order to bring this battle to an end. Porn has no place in our relationship, not in any relationship. So to all of you partners, please keep posting , and keep providing us with your insights and experiences, It helps , a lot, we know.Thank you for reading my post, I just had to get this off of my chest.For ever grateful. ( please ignore my poor English writing, it's not my first language)

Hi Run,that's exactly what I mean. Take away the fear and accept that it's there. SO WHAT ?You have no control on the urges and flashes in your brain. The do happen and they probably will re-appear eventually. It's all about how to deal with, and how to react on it. Those backflashes fade away after some time , and even stop emerging I suppose. Keep the mind busy, and most of all, keep feeling good about yourself.

you don't have to run away from this Jaystock. When you start to get stressed out because the urge is gaining more momentum, it will be harder to resist . Acknowledge the urge is there and try to bend your mind to more rational thinking. in fact it's just your brain falling into old habits, to get the drug. Sure it helps me a lot when I think about those dark times , but I always sort of panicked , and as a result I started feeling bad about myself, which resulted in a weakening of my willpower. Keep your spirit up and ride it out. It's been said several times, but you grow stronger, every time you decline the invitation, and most important, a boost for your self-confidence.You can do this too man, keep fighting the demon, because the reward at the end is just more than worth it.There is no greater feeling than becoming a better person.Strength !

Run and Balanced, thanks for your thoughts.I'm already experiencing the benefits of a more fulfilling life. My head is clear, my focus is much better, and the way my loved ones react on the "new" me, is promising. It all feels so right, I'm just really content in how my life is right now. What scared me though, was you saying being sober for 800! days and then the urges came back. I never thought it to re-emerge after such a long time. Man, will it never stop ? I am not kidding myself, we just have to stay vigilant, for a long time. Maybe for the rest of our lives, right ?During my last counseling sessions, I've learned to recognize, and deal with the early signs of urges or a relapse. This kind of therapy was new to me, and I'm convinced I can and eventually will use this knowledge to counter. I WANT this new life, I WILL commit myself in becoming and staying a better person, and I WON'T sliding off again into P.Never !

hi Run,thanks for reading my post. Yes we do use porn filters on the computers. I asked my wife to install them for me, just to make me feel more comfortable. I even asked her to block my phone. The hardest part , as you mentioned, is to regain her trust in me, especially after so many times of betrayal. I don't have to let her know that I'm dealing with my addiction and that I want it to go away. My behavior has changed since i quit porn. She instantly notices. I feel much better about myself and are more considerate towards the other famliy members. That's not something you do, but is a state of mind you just radiate to people next to you. I will keep on walking this very path, cause it works for me/us. Thanks !

well, been away for some time, but I wanted to let you all know that I'm doing fine, and am making more progress every day.PMO and MO are away completely, and I only think and long for real sex and lovemaking to my own wife. My mind is at ease, and is clear. The counseling(third time ) is really going to make a difference, cause this is the first time we focus on learning to recognize the first signs of relapse, and how to deal with it. Last time I relapsed, i got triggered by some erotic webcam girls adverts on tv. It slowly, but surely sucked me down in the dark hole of full blown addiction. My only reaction was panic and feeling bad about myself. Got low self esteem, and at last didn't even bother trying to stop it. To me it was ever so clear that I just couldn't leave this behind. Brain was fixed on porn again, and I failed. End of story.Again it was my wife, who picked me up and got me to find help again. Sure, she considered leaving me, cause she couldn't cope anymore. I don't blame her for that. After all she was still in a healing process after the previous times. It's amazing to me , every day, that she found the strength and courage to fight for me and our family, and I'm so thankful for that.Well, here we are, and I finally have the feeling that we can win this battle, and that I truly can be a better man, my family deserves .Let me give you some advise and tips I learned, and really have helped me. I know I'm not there yet, but am convinced I will get there in a wile.- get an accountability partner. often your SO, is too close to you, and when you try to confide in him/her, you probably get the feeling of causing too much pain or hurting him/her. Then you're more likely to hide, deny, or lie about it. Lying is probably the most demolishing thing to do, to a relationship !- get good counseling. Even if it isn't working out for you , keep on seeking help. This PA is getting more of a problem every day, and more and more people are taking this very serious.- train your brain to convert bad thoughts into more healthy ones. Not just go out and mow the lawn, but challenge the brain and keeping it occupied( making music, reading , solving puzzles, meet some friends).- acknowledge your addiction. The P images will be poisoning your brain for some time, and we all know that. It's the way in how you react to these flashes, and bringing your mind at ease. You're not a bad person for having these back flashes, it's all about what and how your reaction will be on this. Be proud of every time you succeed in withstanding. You'll feel better, it's true. Think about all those dark times after you PMO'd. I, for example felt like s*t.Last week my wife and I even gave an interview about my PA, to Lee Williiams, who contacted us here on RN, and is currently writing an article about PA for the newspaper " the Independent " in the UK. Funny, but it helped us too, knowing that more people are feeling the need of bringing this addiction to light.In a few weeks I'm planning in participating in a medical research of PA, here in The Netherlands. The research is about looking for differences in the brains of healthy, and PA men. I'm glad to offer all the help I can in the battle against PA.So, to all of you here on RN, keep fighting this terror, you are in control, you can make your own decisions, and you're the only one who can turn this around. Thanks for reading this long post, and just ignore my grammatical errors (not my first language)Wish you strength and determination.

good to read that you can turn away from the temptation and stay clean.Every time you say no, is a victory, no matter how small.Stay confident; it'll get easier.You don't need this, nobody does !Good work

today I had an appointment with my counselor. We are working hard to bring to light the early signs of relapses and how triggers or flashes can turn into a relapse.When I had porn flashes in my head of the things I've seen before, I went into a panic mode, Scared to death of going down again, and felt like a failure. My overall state of mind then, was depressed and most of all, I felt negative about myself. I just couldn't allow myself to recognize that I do have flashes in my head and I just have to deal with them. I want to say is, these flashes don't have to trigger all these negative emotions.When you feel bad about yourself, you're more likely to fall into old habits, cause it's safe and known.For me , the magic word of today is acknowledgment. I do have a problem with porn, and my brain reacts in a way, I do not want. I have to accept, that I have these images in my head and I can't change that anymore. Once in a while, they will pop up as flashes of P images and/or scenes. It's the way I respond, that I have to change: I always started to panic and thought things like: "here we go again". That makes it worse, because in that way, you tell yourself, that you already "relapsed" or are going downhill again. And that's not the case. To prevent a relapse I have to think positive. When I get those Flash Backs, I shouldn't feel guilty. I should recognize them for what they are. If I can do that, I will find peace in my head and will be able to reach out to my buddy. These two things will help me to turn around. When you find an activity, that will distract, the urges should go away. But most important: they go away and I can feel positive about myself and the way I handled it. It's MY decision, I have the power to do this, and we all can do tis too.Keep strong !

I totally agree with Jaystock here. Try to remember this really bad feelings after PMO. It did help me.Every time I could say no to MO or PMO by thinking of the previous (after)times, I was able to get rid of the craving and restlessness.Rising my self esteem and respect.Here to help Bob, you're doing great !

I confided in a good friend of ours, a wile ago, and thought it might help us with some new and fresh insights, in order to understand the severeness of this addiction. Sadly it didn't work out that way, so I let it go. This person simply doesn't understand what porn does to the ones who's brains are conditioned to P for very long times. This addiction is very different from other addictions like drugs or alcohol. This one is filled with shame, and is very lonely. It's hard to acknowledge an addiction, but it's much harder with a PA.From my own experience, even during counseling, there was little knowledge about PA. Sure, they heart of it, and maybe read something about it, but HOW to treat this, was and is still a sort of an experimental area. (forgive my poor writing in English).How to offer the betrayed partner help, was even more shrouded in clouds.In fact, help for your SO is just as , or perhaps more important, than the treatment for the PA. In any relationship, it involves the both of you, and many failed trying to beat this on their own, while the partner watches from the sideline, not knowing how to deal with this.I do not post much here on RN, but I keep reading several journals.Right now my marriage is a mess, due to the constant hiding and lying of the PA.Despite of this we stil managed to stick together, and seek help, for the both of us. Just started counseling again, and the approach will be different this time.Thanks again Bob, for staying involved.

jon64,thanks for your reply,For sure I promised, I'd never lie again, I'd stay away from P, and I'll be open and honest.And yet, I broke all of this, and turned to P again. To me it is shocking how easy this venom sneaks into your life. Especially for the third time. It is literally destructing our lives and family. I'm determined to conquer this, and lead a clean life from now on, but the problem is , how i'm gonna get my wife to believe in me again. I just lied to many times , and now there's even more broke than there was before. It will be a long run I know, but I just want to and have to get rid of this sh*t, once and for all !It's your own willpower that can make the difference, nothing more.keep posting !

next Tuesday I go and see my doctor, to get counseling, again. it will be for the third time now. I really hate myself for hurting my wife so bad, after all I've learned during the counseling sessions. Should have known better, and I do !My wife told me she lost a bit of all her anger, and tries to keep calm, despite of all emotions. I'm so glad she tries, that really helps a lot. It's now or never , I have to deal with this, and make it stop. My last relapse has everything to do with making stupid, non thought over decisions, and that's very wrong. It gets from bad to worse , every time, and I knew it in advance. And yet here we are again. I hope to find some answers at the counseling sessions.I'm truly thankful that my wife is still willing to give it another shot, after all I did to her, Keep you posted !

hi Bob,good to know there are still friends here, who keep supporting. I totally relapsed, for the third time now.Started with some small triggers, who quite rapidly grew out to something bigger. It went to a point where `i became somewhat indifferent in making the choice of whether or not watching P. It didn't have anything to do with my emotions or feelings or state of mind. There was nothing wrong with my life, so WHY turn to P again ?I' ve learned a lot during the sessions with several counselors, and I think I have most of all the tools available, to succeed in stopping. Next Tuesday I have an appointment with my doctor, so I can get counseling again.This has to stop( I said it all before), and I'm very determined to overcome this craziness. Can't see my partner hurting like this anymore. Keep you posted !

Fell off the wagon again !For months I managed to stay away from P, and actually was doing great.I have been watching P again, been lying to my spouse, tried to keep it a secret, and made my relationship darker than it was ever before. I'm afraid that I've made a final mistake that will eventually end our marriage.How can you stay involved with someone who keeps on lying over his addiction ?It all has to do with respect and honesty towards your partner, in with I fell short in a massive way.Feeling sad angry, and sick, can't imagine what this does to my wife, who's has been betrayed again.

well, here I am again !October 2015 , i wrote the last post here on RN, when I was giving some advice and good words to another struggler.Now I am the one who needs all the help he can get, AGAIN !Yes, I relapsed, and hit rockbottom. Same situation I got into a couple of times before. Began watching the porn channel on tv.Tv's, laptops, and my phone are blocked with a code, to prevent me, from getting access to porn. I did ask my wife to block it, and that did the job for a long time, until now. I got past the code and watched porn again. Denial, lying, and lot's and lot's of pain and grief followed, when my wife confronted me with my behavior. Right now I feel like a monster, doing these things to my wife, especially because we've been here a couple of times before, and I promised , never to do this again.My wife is on the verge of giving up on me, betrayed her just too many times. All the trust, love and affection are out the door right now.She said, if it wasn't for the kids, I left you already, cause I can't cope anymore!I just do not understand WHY I still am ready to throw it all away, and risking to lose everything, in order to get that stupid dopamine rush.Lost all faith right now, and am desperate.I don't know , but maybe it helps to connect with you here on RN again.

know what you mean man, I felt really sick after I PMO'ed. Hated myself for doing it, every time again. Felt like I had no choice.It's great to read here that you realize, you're the one in charge, and the choice is yours !Thinking back at the dark days, always helped me through some rough times.