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Saturday, February 9, 2013

#Errandonnee Pt 1: On The Road

Washington D.C. is the sausage factory of bad ideas. The Billy Jack's of the country come to Washington filled with noble ideas of how to get us to do things we detest because it is good for us. Well here's one: did you know that we have a national errand crisis? Yes! YES! Apparently you Dorrito munching Superbowl fans have an errand deficiency. Thus, an unnamed official in Washington has initiated a new program to force us to do our errands. The first phase of the errand-crisis plan was to cut the power off at the Superdome for 39 minutes so that you would do the dishes (you didnt really think that Beyonce's hair dryer caused the power outage, did you?). Now! NOW! Someone from a Friday morning meeting across the street from the White House is demanding that we commingle cycling with errands, and gave it the clever name Errandonnee. According to Fox News, it's Obama's Fault.

Cyclists all across the city were being forced to do errands. A Washington bureaucrat spent most of Saturday afternoon, divining Errandonnee edicts. In a logic that exists but nowhere outside the beltway, apparently having a beer can be categorized as a "personal health errand" if you drink to one's health. Really?

Cherrydale Hardware had a new inverted U bike rack installed in order to handle the anticipated Errondonnee traffic in the store. On the first day of the new program, two errondonneers crowded store, attempting to find the cheapest bolt available (claiming it was to kludge a bicycle trailer hitch) in order to constitute "an errand." Pictures where taken. Stories were shared. But the cyclists had to press on to adequately meet their "errand" quotas.

With no reprieve from the recently elected Coffee Party, I printed out my Errandonnee form, in triplicate, collated it, shredded it, reassembled it, and then fed it to my dog. Perusing the fine print and in compliance with requirements, I

Bought a bolt at an OTHER STORE

Bought a flag at a BIKE STORE which they had to steal off of a children's bike

Visited a book store which could have been a coffee store only the Starbuck groupees had bogarted all the tables or it could be a library but you have to pay for your books or it could be another OTHER STORE

I then bought a bottle from another OTHER STORE, the type of bottle that comes filled with your favorite beverage that you then chuck out the window (bottle or beverage)

And then visited a local coffee house where I had a mocha and read my book (which you are suppose to do at a LIBRARY) and had a sandwich (which I guess could have made this LUNCH).

I will spend the rest of the evening filing out my Errandonnee form (at least until I learn how to spell it), resolving whether it was COFFEE or a LUNCH, which must be filled with the IRS by April 14.