Category: love

Over the past 6 months I have, not only experienced things that have helped make me into a better person, but have also helped me take steps to work towards personal, emotional and mental success.

I decided, after Lord knows how long, to download the WordPress app again and share some of these experiences. Even if I may be the only one to read it.

First of all, this past summer was the first step in realizing life doesnt always have to be so mundane and repeditive; that good things are still possible. Now, I’m talking about the good things that would happen when I was younger and I’d practically be tearing open at the seams with pure joy. That kind of good.

Basically, what had happened was I managed to join a group of people set out to help local children and adults in the community, known as Keystone SMILES AmeriCorps and they provided me with the opportunity to be a counselor at a week long childrens summer camp for the first time.

Now for someone with pretty solid anxiety about trying new things and exiting my comfort zone I remained excited about this the entire way through and left camp with incredible experiences, great stories and a few good friends too. This experience actually managed to clarify what I wanted to do with my life, pertaining to my future career. Aka, a teacher!

This experience also led to a few more realizations for me. One of which being the fact that there is no way that I can remain happy without challenging myself and even more so, leaving my home. So, because of this I created a bucket list.

This list is scattered with plans for the time between now and the next 5 years but all of them play a pretty massive role in my life. Whether it be going to therapy, which I have my second appointment for tomorrow afternoon, or saving money. ($150.00 so far!)

Have you ever been in a relationship where you were kept at arms length?

Close enough so they know you’re there but far enough that you’re just holding on by a thread.

Where going to visit is mostly going to end with you going home.

Where the closest thing you get to romantic was your first date and maybe a text or two.

Where everything else seems like a burden because you have to ask for it.

Where you sit here wondering when it’s going to end because you know it will eventually.

When you sit and wonder why you’re still doing it when you have a tattoo forever on your arm as a reminder of how enough you are.

Telling yourself that you’ve done this before and it wasn’t right then so why is it suddenly okay now.

Beating yourself up for letting it happen and getting played.

Made to think that you are important but only being given enough that only makes you somewhat question why the fuck you’re still sitting here.

What’s stopping you from leaving? You have your shoes on, you’re on your second ciggarette and your coat is on your lap but you’re still fucking sitting here. I wrote this blog about a week ago and at the time these were my thoughts. Since then I have built up the courage to share my concerns and figured everything out but I still wanted to post this as a reminder to myself since this has happened to me multiple times even though it doesn’t need to.

One day you will meet a girl.
To you this girl will seem as if she drifts through her day, floats almost.
You will watch her break down in front of everything that challenges the path she chose to take.

She will crumble into her hardships.
You will be dismayed.

One day you will meet the same girl.
To you this girl will seem as if she drifts through her day, floats almost.
You will watch her break down everything that challenges the path that she chose to take.

She will be resistant to struggle.
You will be enamored.

One day you will meet the girl again.
To you this girl will seem as if she drifts into your life, floats almost.
You will watch her breakdown everything that challenges the path you chose to take.

She will be abetting.
You will be indebted.

One day a girl will meet you.
To this girl you will seem as if you drift through your day, float almost.
She will watch you rise above everyone that crosses the path you chose to take.

She will be enabling.
You will be apathetic.

One day you will meet a girl.
One day this girl will drift out of your life, float almost.
She will leave you discarded on the path you chose to take.

I learned the value of colors and shades. I learned depth and how to truly recreate depth for your audience. I learned alot about other artists, but with all of that knowledge the main thing I learned was: Art should not be disturbed.

An artist should not have to fight over what line needs to be curved.

An artist should not have to explain why she made a choice to draw or paint something a certain way because you can’t always explain a feeling.

Art is like fate. You are predetermined to make it to a certain point and you will make the choices to reach that point along the way. You will make mistakes, you will want to quit.

But you wont.

I learned that no matter how much something gives you joy, that joy will always cease once it is disturbed.

You can paint a mural and let your mind escape into the wall, not worrying about edges, bumps and scratches.

Just emptying your mind onto a scarred canvas. Something that once was bare, begging to be filled with light.

You start sketching your design, slowly widdeling away your eraser. Taking every chance you can to look deeper, weeding out the perfection. Until finally, the mess that was once your mind is displayed on the once bare canvas and the feeling you have is undescribable.

To me, art shouldn’t be perfect. Art should break barriers. Disrupt the silence. Art should make the artist and viewers feel.

The viewers should feel every stroke from a paint brush, every dusting of charcoal. Every emotion that the artist layed out on that canvas should be felt without cease.

Finding a light at the end of a tunnel isn’t an easy process. There are barriers, walls, mountains and even mole hills. You will never be able to wake up one day and suddenly decide that none of the problems that have burdened you for years don’t matter.

You can’t build yourself up without being broken down a little first.

This blog is here as a reminder that everything you have struggled with through your entire life has gotten you one step closer to the you that you are meant to be. Cliche’ I know.

Bring on the slow claps.

Ridicule, tears, anger, frustration and fear are all building blocks in your life. Once upon a time you were innocent, happy yes, but completely blind to what was making you happy. Any one can gather joy from a possession or an experience but to actually pull happiness from within yourself, that’s a task.

Happiness is not the absence of problems but the ability to deal with them.