TWO’S COMPANY, FOUR IS A CROWD

Dear Yeti,
I For a while now my circle of friends has consisted of myself, Becca, and Alexa. Everything was going fine until I brought a guy into the group, Kevin. I liked him, but all of a sudden Becca and Alexa started liking him. Kevin and Becca grew feelings for each other and went behind my back to hang out. Alexa started going crazy and yelling at everyone.

Now I find out that Becca and Kevin have been keeping things from me, but I can't seem to yell at them or stay mad at them. Becca told me he was keeping her from cutting again, and Kevin is so depressed that he can't go out with her. But I know if they went out, everything would change and I would no longer be the best friend. I don't mind putting myself second, but they won't go out for me and I feel like I'm in the way. I don't know what to do. I wish I could just stay mad at them.

Sincerely,
Morally Pissed Off:/

Dear MPO,

Part of providing an informed response (to questions asked by strangers) is the need to play detective. Hidden in the context of every letter are clues to the condition and state of mind of the writer. This information provides context to the situation at hand. This has never been as important in my short history of writing an advice blog as it is with your letter. One thing for sure is that my heart goes out to you and I’m suspicious that you are a very special and wonderful person who is trapped in the inner workings of an adolescent love triangle. This will probably in someway shape your future, immediate and distant, although the catch is that you won’t realize it until you are more seasoned in the art of love. All I can do is try and guide you with insight from my distant perspective, on the human condition.

I put you at about 14 years old but I am hoping that you are a little more in the 15-16 range. I am also making assumptions on your regional and economic situations but I am keeping them to myself. I also think that you are very impressionable and I should point out that I am a Yeti and not a licensed therapist, therefore, you should also run this dilemma by your family and other people you trust.

Why did you bring Kevin into your group? I know for a fact that you just met him. Why did you introduce him to your circle of friends, and not keep your friendship “romantic or not” just between he and you. Don’t know? Here’s the answer. You are celebrating your own insecurity and you are hoping that some guy will walk into your life who is willing to fill the void and treat you like you’re special. Here is the problem that you can’t and probably will never understand. All (most) teenage boys are hormonally unstable sociopaths whose lives are peppered with bouts of narcissism and selfishness. Pair that with a 24-7 erection and it’s not a cocktail for love or friendship. Whether you realize it or not, Kevin used you (a lot or just a little) to meet your friends (Becca) in an attempt to further widen his circle of romantic options. This shouldn’t upset you at all, in fact it’s very normal and you should feel the opportunity to meet some of his friends in hopes of making a romantic connection with a same-minded person. By the way, you may find interesting the history of the word narcissistic: The term is derived from the Greek myth of Narcissus. Narcissus was a handsome Greek youth who rejected the desperate advances of the nymph Echo. His punishment was to be cursed to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Unable to consummate his love, Narcissus pined away and changed into the flower that bears his name, the narcissus.

I know you met Kevin first and I’m sure he’s a real dream-boat based on the fact that all three of you are interested in him. But you should know that the fact that you and Alexa are into him is only serving two purposes, none of which is in your favor. First off it’s padding the ego of both Kevin and Becca which will only strain the friendship you and she have. Lastly it’s reinforcing your own insecurities that Kevin picked her over you. Who knows why Kevin chose Becca?

If you were to see Kevin 20 years from now, I promise you he’ll have half the hair and weigh twice as much. Translation: he’ll be less dynamic physically and you’ll only care about friendship and the connection that you have. Which is why you should support the romance between your two friends and stop worrying that he didn’t sweep you off your feet. Again it’s not that you’re not pretty or funny or cool enough; it’s just he made a connection with Becca. I can not stress that enough. This is important to remember in conjunction with my next piece of advice.

You say that they have been “keeping things from you.” What things? Their romance? Or other things that are your business? When you say I can’t stay mad at them; what does that mean? Like I said before you shouldn’t be mad at them; they are your friends (especially Becca) and they haven’t done anything wrong. The phrase I can’t stay mad at them is something a doormat would say. I warn you; don’t let your insecurities overwhelm you, and you do have insecurities; everyone does. Take some time and remember what makes you great and refresh your memory on what you have to offer and I promise you this problem will resolve itself.

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ok, first get a bottle of your favorite alcohol, second get your friends drunk and third have an orgy.
you want kevin, becca wants kevin and alexa likes kevin, why not share the love and stop tearing yourselves up.
there’s enough kevin for all three of you.

First of all you DO mind being second and #2)their own actions should prove to you that they are not your friends, period. Weed them ALL out of your garden girl and get a better class of people in your life that will be real and true friends.

As far as your story is concern..i can sense a concept of unseen competition among yourselves, You very well know that you like kevin for whatever reasons may that be. Such as becca and and Alexa too. From this point of view i do believe RESPECT is exactly requested from the three of you ;or the least from you. You should respect Kevin’s decision as far as his personal emotion is the matter, it is for him to decide whom to love or like to whatever level it is. You have all the right to fall in love to anyone you like, but you have no right to force him to love you back. Be considerate and put yourself into his shoe. Do you think it would be fine for you if you will be forced by someone you don’t like but loved you much. The solution of the problem is plain and simple give them freedom to grow, as far as their relationship is concern. Truth will set you free. If you are a true friend you can be humble enough to accept that there are things that are not meant for you. After all, its you who said that they are your friends. Friendship will be saved if you give way for a friend rather than insist on thing that benefit only one and not to the whole friendship.{tinyshop14)Y.M. id.

Its pretty certain that they all don’t really care about you that much because you and they are all young and haven’t experianced much life at this point. If this happened to me I would lose them all. The guy you have only known for a bit so you can’t expect really anything of him but for your friends to be interested in him and go behind your back like that means they don’t care about you enough not to do that. Forget about them, you will make new and better friends who will not go behind your back.

Get over your self pity, grow up and realize your friends do have a life outside of you.
Can you see yourself 20 years from now living your own life and letting others live theirs? It’s possible to do if ya just give people their space.
Have a nice day.