Night Times - trigger

I should answer all of you individually, I'm so lucky to have you. I just can't right now, but know it means so much that you are out there for me.

Emmy, you DID NOT ignore my pain. If anything, you shared something powerful that I keep going back to in these dark moments. I told my therapist today that the fact that my sons would miss me isn't enough, but your continued pain reminds me that I would leave a life-time wound.

I must say that it sounds like so many of us are scared of anger -- that it feels threatening and bad, both directed at us and from us. I don't know how to get past this idea that letting it out makes it bigger, gives it room to grow and potentially provides another avenue of destruction. My therapist said today I was tentative with him, like I was afraid I'd hurt him in some way. He is absolutely right. More, I'm terrified that if my anger gets out, his response will be to get angry back. He asked me to play out this fantasy, so I imagined him yelling at me, working himself up into a rage and then telling me he can't work with someone who calls this stuff out in him. And then I'd be alone again. He pointed out that I think I'm some sort of anger magnet, magnifying it for each person I come in contact with. Yup, that is exactly how I feel.

It was hard for me to imagine this, harder still to actually talk about it. He reminds me how calm he is, how soft-spoken and how steady. He said just because I fear it, doesn't make it so. But how can he know this? We haven't done this together...I couldn't take it if he yelled at me. He said he won't, even if I yell at him. He said I could even test it out. No way I'm doing that.

Mostly, I miss him. This whole anger thing has caused me to close down, to set everyone else outside, safely away from me. He told me again that he refuses to be pushed away. That being suicidal is about being alone and pushing him away is one way I'm clearing my path to make it OK for me to go down this road. He said it isn't OK...he'd miss me.

Oh, that makes me cry. But the pain is so huge, and I'm so afraid. I don't want to hit pillows, or yell at anyone or go for a walk, even if I should. I just want my mommy to come and get me. Or I want to wake up from this nightmare. Or maybe I just want to sleep forever. I'm tired of being responsible, of fighting back, of being strong.

I'm trying to pull myself out of this, babblers, I promise I'm trying. It is just so much harder at night, you know?