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Can a teacher Mark my work and give it a GCSE grade?

Hello,

I just wanted my Horror story marked before the 1st November as I need to hand in my story by that time. I will get graded on this hence why I asked for a GCSE grade for my current work and please can you tell me how to improve my story. Thanks
That Night

A disaster erupted as the clouds sailed through the thick gloomy forest. Alone in this dreary weather, I slowly walked to shelter for refuge. Chaos surrounded me, as the fog grew thicker making it harder for me to see. Rain poured endlessly leaving me drenched; a bulky black carpet surrounded me in darkness as the moonlight shone though like a gemstone. I couldn’t describe my emotions as this tempest exploded like a war, making me suffer infinite pain.

All I remember was that I ended up in the forest after my carriage lurched over. I was a lifeless human, more or less like a corpse, no feeling or emotion gushing through my body. I and my fellow colleagues suffered a great deal of agony; my head clashed against a hard rock and I collapsed onto the floor. As soon as I gained consciousness, I found myself in this luxurious room. The curtains were as soft as a pillow, red as a rose and shined like the stars. The flooring allowed me to see my own reflection; it was that clean, I thought to myself how amazing this house was. I was wrapped up in a bed which was incredibly warm, I felt loved and cared while I lay in this bed. As I pulled the silky duvet over me, I wondered why I was here.

I decided to look downstairs for my saviour. I crept slowly down the stairs and saw the most stunning entrance which was beyond imagination. I called out but all I heard was my echoes returning to me like daggers. Investigating further, I found out no one was present in the Mansion. I decided to stay awake and just wander inside the bedroom; the light from the sky caught my eye as I glanced outside the window. The weather was so dull, a sharp whisper of coldness could be felt and you could faintly hear the wind whistling; the day seemed to get darker and darker. The shimmering crystals in the sky started to fade within this dull black blanket. Hours later, as my eyes opened from my deep sleep, I peaked up to look thought the frosty window; I noticed the darkness grew thicker; the moon shone like a star. I limped downstairs still recovering from the carriage incident. My concern for my colleagues grew to a stage where I decided to go and search for them. I made my way to the huge door which towered above me.

Slowly making my way outside, I started to hear noises in the background. It was a faint echo but it felt so pure, it was such an elegant sound, so light and fresh. I was unable to move, paralysis hit my soul, my soul was in agony of despair, was this a trap? I was suffering through anxiety. I was hypnotised by this divine sound yet deep inside I knew it was going to lure me into my own death. I ran back inside to acquire refuge from the thing...minutes later I obtained enough momentum and committed myself to go outside to check if anyone was there. Peeking outside slowly, I discovered no one was there. It was only my mind playing games with me (or was it?).

The mist engulfed my body; I forced my way out through the mist. I travelled quite a distance from the Mansion. Along the way I sensed some tremors of someone or something which petrified me. I glanced around, but my toils were useless. I carried on walking. My head felt like it was going o explode, as if I was hit on the head with a metal bat. The headaches blurred my vision as I was feeling dizzy but going back wasn’t an option. Further ahead on the endless pathway, I saw a very strange figure standing before me, due to my blurred vision and thick fog, I couldn’t quite figure out what it was.

Looking deeply into its shape and sound, I discovered it wasn’t here to help me; it was here to kill me. There was no turning back now as I couldn’t run back to the mansion and no one was here on this deserted pathway. I was trapped. The beast approached me with great speed, as the moonlight shone on his ugly face; all my nightmares came true that very moment. Its teeth was black and covered in blood; claws sharp enough to shred me into hundreds of pieces; eyes vicious enough to scare you to death; its breathe was deadly enough to kill a average human being.

The rain grew heavier as the tempest roared like a lion in a jungle. It was at that exact moment I heard a cry. It was a tear wrenching scream that ripped through by entire entity, as though someone had tore me with a 9 inch blade. For that instant it was as though my body was no longer in synchronisation with my brain, as though it had a will of its own. Because as that devil approached me, I wanted to run as fast as wood catches fire and get as far away from that evil beast, however it wasn’t possible as my whole body was in a trance.

The beastly figure leapt on me from a distance, with its mouth opened showing those lethal teeth which were soon to be covered with my blood. All I could see was pitch black darkness. I felt like death was approaching me at immense speed but really I was unconscious...