Successful sex is a journey, not a destination

I’m a 35-year-old male involved in a long-distance relationship for three years. Because of the distance, we don’t have sex regularly. The sex is good, but I’ve never been able to come inside her. She’s claims it’s the condom. I’m always fully aroused and I’m able to ejaculate with hand or oral stimulation. I have no other problems, and I’ve never had this problem with other girls.

—Can it be the Condom?

Dear CIBTC,

Delayed ejaculation is a struggle men of all ages can endure. Often experienced as anxiety, it can be a psychological block that inhibits a man from letting go and having an orgasm.

Orgasm is about surrender — about trusting your partner, and yourself with your partner, to let go.

I suggest having an open and honest conversation about what your relationship means to both of you. Because of the distance, perhaps there is a part of you that fears she is not fully on board in the relationship, and therefore, your body is responding by withholding (in this case, withholding ejaculation). It can feel uneasy when the pink elephant in your bed is the unspoken discussion about what your relationship means.

When it comes to sex, don’t make the goal be about ejaculation or orgasm, make it about pleasure. Grant your penis permission to enjoy the journey. Without the pressure to ejaculate, you may be surprised at the fun you can have.

As for the condom, perhaps there is some truth to that. To test those waters somatically, practice oral and manual stimulation with a condom to help train your penis to respond under latex circumstances. You can do this alone from afar to get a jump-start on the process.

Remember, it’s about the journey, not the destination.

Dear Dr. Jenni,

My boyfriend works closely with a girl at work that he had sex with before we met. I can’t help but feel jealous and

uneasy about this. Every time I bring it up to him, he gets mad. How am I supposed to act and feel in a situation like this? Am I being over-dramatic, or am I justified in the way that I feel? Every time we go out for drinks with friends after work she is there. I feel like this jealousy can potentially ruin our relationship.

—Confused About Other Girl

Dear CAOG,

Jealousy is very normal. Most, if not all, human beings have experienced the green dragon of jealousy at some point. Because there are no wrong or right feelings, you are fully allowed to feel jealous, even if it seems irrational. What you do with these feelings is another story.

It may feel scary, but if you can let jealousy be your teacher, then you will learn a lot about yourself. Ask yourself, why are you jealous? What is the real fear underneath? Typically, people feel afraid. Either A, “I’m afraid I am not lovable or good enough.” Or B, “I’m afraid my partner will leave me.”

Is this a real, substantiated fear? If your fear is supported in that he may really leave, or not really love you, then questioning whether to stay in the relationship is appropriate. But if he really does love you, and he really does want to stay, then seeking his support around your fear may be a better place to start.

Because his buttons get pushed when you bring up this conversation, I suggest expressing your feelings of jealousy in a different manner. Try to express the fear that resides under the jealousy. Ask him how he feels hearing your disclosure. You may be surprised how deep and vulnerable you can go with this conversation, and then how safe it feels to be more deeply connected.

If you are able to articulate the deep-rooted fear under the jealousy, then you are on your way to feeling safer and more comfortable in the relationship.

Send questions for Jenni Skyler, PhD, to drjenni@theintimacyinstitute.org. Skyler is a sex therapist and board-certified sexologist who runs The Intimacy Institute in Boulder, www.theintimacyinstitute.org.