Hi, you have reached the Vatican, this is his Holiness the Pope speaking.

If you have already transgressed please press 1
If you are about to transgress please press 2
If you are not sure whether you should, please press 3
For all other enquiries please press 4,

We are experiencing a considerable demand for our services at the moment, and you have been placed in a queue. Please hold and you will be connected to the first available Bishop. Otherwise you may wish to call later when we are less busy.

For those that remember `Mork and Mindy`
Mork used to `phone home` telepathicaly at the end of each show.
And on one of them he got the other persons answerphone.
"I am sorry but i am out of my mind at the moment please call back later"
you get the idea :¬)

Hi! You've reached the Johnson residence. Due to all the fund-raising politicians, telemarketers with auto-dialers, and morons who can't correctly dial the local pizza place, we're sending all our calls to the answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you as soon as we get around to it.Donald
Infernal Optimist / Submariner, retired

My answer phone already has HAL on it, using clips from the film. Probably breaks some copyright but i don't care.

It goes thusly:

Take a message please HAL
I'm sorry Dave, i'm afraid i can't do that
We've been over this before, my name's Simon. Now what's the problem?
I think you know what the problem is just as well as i do.
HAL, i won't ask again, take a message!
This conversation can serve no purpose any more.
*Beep*Life on earth is the global equivalent of not storing things in the fridge.

Do not hang up.
Telemarketing Captcha must be solved to reach a human.
You have three tries or you will be 976 billed $1000.

To solve in Russian press 1
To solve in Greek press 2
To solve in Latin press 3
To solve in Aramaic press 4
To solve in Tagalog press 5
To solve in Pashto press 6
To solve in Hebrew press 7
To solve in Mandarin press 8
To solve in Spanglish press 9
To solve in French press 0
To repeat this menu press *
To accept 976 charge press # or hang up

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you, press 5

If you want us to raise your child, press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year, press 8

To complain about bus transportation, press 9

To complain about school lunches, press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your children's lack of effort . . .hang up and have a nice day!
Remember...Always look on the bright side of life.....