Have you decided not to circumcise your son and need some help trying to talk to your husband? We realize this can be a very touchy subject with fathers-to-be, and often takes a well-planned approach. Here we hope to provide you with some tools so you are better prepared for a discussion with your husband or boyfriend about not circumcising.

A Letter To My Husband by Andrea Brenner(Posted with author's permission)

After our daughter was born, I started actually looking at information on circumcising. Thank god she was a girl. My husband wouldn't listen to a thing I said. Within seconds of me bringing up the subject, he was getting upset and changing the subject. It really bothered me that we had such a great relationship, and could talk about anything else effortlessly, but not this one thing. So I wrote him a letter and emailed him a few links. This letter I wrote my husband changed our lives.. Possibly saved our marriage!

To My Love:

You are my husband and my life. I'm at my happiest when I'm with you and I wouldn't want it any other way. I love that we get along so well, and we can agree on so many things. It is one of those things that glues our marriage together. What makes our relationship so amazing is how we thrive and love each other, and give it our all. There's very little we disagree on when you really think about it, and it generally doesn't bother me too much, because I'm all about the compromise. But there's one subject we disagree on that really bothers me. It's one thing that I actually think about more often than you would think, and it seems to be a subject that's brought up, but rarely talked about and resolved.I've brought up the subject a number of times, but in one way or another, you seem to change or drop the subject. I know it may not be something you want to talk or think about, but if we don't deal with it now, it will only become a bigger, more serious potential argument down the road. And I really don't want any rifts in our amazing marriage.If you've been trying to figure out for the last minute or two what I've been rambling about, this is the part where I break the ice: circumcision. I know this is something that we agreed on at one point. I used to think nothing of it. It was "normal." A routine thing. Uncircumcised, or intact penises, look "weird," and circumcised penises look normal.

But the more things I've read: stories, research, various articles, personal experiences... my views have changed. I would like to share some information with you if you're willing to read it. And I hope you are. I know this is one thing you feel strongly about, but i feel strongly about it as well. This is somebody's penis. I feel it should be that person's choice what happens to it. Babies feel that pain. It's so sad and hard to think about for me. I don't want to get too passionate about it with this letter, because that's not what this is about. This is about getting the ball rolling for a discussion, and hopefully we can come to an agreement.There is absolutely no benefit to circumcision. It's listed as a cosmetic surgery and isn't covered by most insurances nowadays. The foreskin is a natural part of the body, and contains 80% of the nerve endings that create sexual pleasure. As much as I hate the idea of our children ever having sex, I don't want to be responsible for making it less enjoyable than it has to be.As much as I would love to say, "This is how it's going to be, deal with it," I can't. We are married and we are partners, for better or worse. Which means we have to talk and express ourselves, and try to understand each other. I can't force you into anything, or force you to think in a way I want you to. (I've already tried with keeping the kitchen clean, haha wink wink).. The only think I can do is share the information with you that has swayed my opinion, and hope it moves you as well. But PLEASE consider it. Even if you're dead set, don't just read it and scoff the whole time. Put real, true consideration and thought into it. This is one thing that can't be undone. We can't change our mind, and it's a big deal. At least he has the option to do it later if he wants. It will be less of a risk at adulthood, and significantly less painful. If we get it done when he's a baby, he can't decide he wants it undone later on.I want to make it perfectly clear: you have a perfectly amazing penis that I couldn't be more satisfied with. There is no way i think it's "abnormal" or "different". Growing up, I was taught that circumcised = normal. My views on this aren't meant to make you feel inadequate or that there's something wrong with you, because you are perfect. You are a top notch example that circumcising won't always ruin a person, or their genitals. Just keep in mind there are thousands of boys, and men, and boy angels out there who weren't so lucky. Who have suffered. And I can't bear to put a child through that.I'm actually a little scared. I know I talk about wanting to have another baby all the time, and how much I've been craving pregnancy and a second child, but this is one thing that scares me. When the time comes, and we're blessed with a beautiful little boy, I don't want this argument to tear us apart because of how strongly we both feel. So please talk to me. For more than five minutes. And be willing to listen, and ask questions, and discuss this topic a little more.i love you dearest. I'm so thankful for you and our beautiful daughter, and our future children.Love,Your Loving Wife

TJ Reynolds

8/8/2012 04:34:40 am

What happened next? Did you agree not to circumcise... How did the decision materialize? Have you since brought home a whole son?

Andrea Brenner

8/16/2012 07:43:11 am

Hi, TJ!
I realized after I submitted my letter, that I should have included the rest of the story!
I handed this letter to DH (dear husband) and told him, "I know this is something you don't want to talk about, but we NEED to talk about this. So read this, read some links I've emailed you, and come to me whenever you're ready. But I DO expect you to come to me about this. I'm not pushing the subject anymore". DH came to me 24 hours after reading the letter, very timid, and told me," Dear, I think you're right. It's not my place to force an unnecessary procedure on our future son, and the truth of the matter is, he can decide for himself when he's good and ready. I don't want to be responsible for doing that to him". I was SHOCKED, to say the least. I wouldn't say it was easy, but it was definitely easier than I had expected. Since our discussion, I've become pregnant, and we will be bringing our perfect WHOLE boy into this world in December!
We've had various discussions since, and he's become as against circumcision as I am. He's very upset that his parents had it done to him, and we've come to realize we have some sexual problems (very minor, but there nonetheless) that are directly linked to him being circumcised. At one point he said to me "We have a son! And he has a PENIS!..... but it won't look like mine...", so, going from excitement, to confusion/disappointment. I reminded him that, of course his penis won't look the same! It will be way smaller, and probably won't have a freckle in the same place. That made him feel much better.
I feel a big part of the reason our talks didn't work prior to this letter, is because he felt attacked. Nothing is wrong with his penis, but I was saying I didn't want to mutilate our son. So what's that supposed to mean? Is HIS penis mutilated? of course not. It might not be in the state it was at birth, but it's certainly not deformed and useless. He just needed to know that I wasn't thinking he was inadequate because of a procedure that was forced upon him at birth. I'm not great with spoken word, and he's not great at listening to me butcher sentences. Writing is my strong suit, and thankfully, we found a common ground. :)

Heather

5/30/2013 03:43:09 am

Quote: "I'm not great with spoken word, and he's not great at listening to me butcher sentences."
This is me and my husband! I butcher so much of what I say and he gets so upset!! Thank you!! I will write him a letter. Our little man is due in 5 weeks, so I am desperate to have this very important discussion with him.

sheena

8/16/2012 08:15:23 pm

Thank you so much for sharing this. Im sure it wasn't easy to go through but you handled it very well. DH and I are expecting our first child (a boy ) in December and he too, like your DH, is circumcised. After reading up on circumcision I have completely changed my mind about it and will opt out. Now i just gotta work this on DH. I pray his response is similar to that of your DH.

Again, thank you for sharing this and congratulations on your baby boy!! What's his name? We are naming our son Landon.

Andrea Brenner

8/17/2012 06:24:55 am

Thanks Sheena. It was very difficult, mainly because we were both all for Routine Infant Circumcision when we got pregnant with our daughter. I can count on 2 hands the amount of times DH said to me, "I thought you were all for this, what changed?". That's why the letter helped us so much! I could get out everything I needed to say, and he didn't have the chance to interrupt me with defensive comments. At first, I kept thinking "why can't he see where I'm coming from?!", then I realized that I needed to start seeing where HE was coming from. It was very eye opening.
Our little boy will be named Samuel after his Great-Grandfather. It was nearly effortless picking out his name, thank goodness. If only it could be so easy next time!

Andrea Brenner

8/17/2012 06:25:03 am

Thanks Sheena. It was very difficult, mainly because we were both all for Routine Infant Circumcision when we got pregnant with our daughter. I can count on 2 hands the amount of times DH said to me, "I thought you were all for this, what changed?". That's why the letter helped us so much! I could get out everything I needed to say, and he didn't have the chance to interrupt me with defensive comments. At first, I kept thinking "why can't he see where I'm coming from?!", then I realized that I needed to start seeing where HE was coming from. It was very eye opening.
Our little boy will be named Samuel after his Great-Grandfather. It was nearly effortless picking out his name, thank goodness. If only it could be so easy next time!

Andrea Brenner

8/17/2012 06:25:24 am

Thanks Sheena. It was very difficult, mainly because we were both all for Routine Infant Circumcision when we got pregnant with our daughter. I can count on 2 hands the amount of times DH said to me, "I thought you were all for this, what changed?". That's why the letter helped us so much! I could get out everything I needed to say, and he didn't have the chance to interrupt me with defensive comments. At first, I kept thinking "why can't he see where I'm coming from?!", then I realized that I needed to start seeing where HE was coming from. It was very eye opening.
Our little boy will be named Samuel after his Great-Grandfather. It was nearly effortless picking out his name, thank goodness. If only it could be so easy next time!

Andrea Brenner

8/17/2012 06:26:21 am

SO SORRY I posted that 3 times! The comment box kept saying error, so of course I kept trying. Gotta love technology!

It is extremely helpful for me. Thank you for taking the time to discuss this, I feel strongly about it and love learning more on this topic. If possible, as you gain expertise, would you mind updating your blog with more information?

My husband and I are planning to have our boy circumcised. But I worry that they mess up. That is a serious thing in a man's life and if it goes wrong he could be messed up for life. But then again maybe i am over reacting. Has anyone else heard of mistakes or a bad circumcision?

Andrea

10/12/2012 02:09:15 am

I can honestly say that my husband and I have a poor sex life sometimes because of circumcision. I personally believe they removed too much of the foreskin, which has made his erections too taut. After a brief "session", he will be tender and sometimes even raw from sex, and we will have to wait 2-4 days until we can go again.. Based on my research (I HIGHLY recommend you research more before you decide on this), if he had been left intact, this problem would NEVER happen. Your son can always decide to have it done when he's older, but he can never decide to undo it. He can do surgical or manual foreskin restoration, but it will never replace the lost nerve endings and skin... The foreskin plays a very important role in the human penis! Circumcised boys are 12times more likely to develop MRSA (and risk the complete loss of their penis) from the operation. Please please please visit The Whole Network on Facebook and ask questions. Please research. The only benefit of this operation is pain and discomfort for the rest of their lives. Please protect your son.

faolyn's mommy

10/23/2012 04:57:35 am

Yeah, my brother's circumcision was a total hack job. His girlfriend told me one time that it was all scarred up. :/

Treefrog

3/8/2013 08:04:25 am

Yeah, my brother is all scarred up from his circumcision too. He's pretty mad about it. :/

Theresa

12/23/2012 06:36:03 am

Yes, please peruse this site. You can find stories of little boys losing their penis and lives for this cosmetic surgery. Also, the rates in Australia are under 20% depending on your state. Here's a link with info: http://www.circumstitions.com/Australia.html

usmom3

12/23/2012 06:44:55 am

Please let that be up to your son when he becomes an adult. It is his body & his right to have a voice in it because once it is done you can't undo it back to the way it was.

Colin

12/23/2012 07:00:14 am

The reality is that every circumcision results in scarring - the difference is how much, where, and what. Some circumcisions result in minimal scarring, but there are numerous examples of situations where a boy's penis is lacerated resulting in damage to or amputation of the glans, some where the entire penis is damaged and requires amputation. You can see the list of possible and common complications here: http://www.circumstitions.com/Complic.html. I think you need to consider a few things. The first is, this is not your penis, or your husband's. If your son later wishes to modify it through circumcision, well and good - but shouldn't it be his choice? The second is, your son's penis is perfectly functional, safe, and correct when he's born. You'll be modifying it because you prefer to - for no medical reason. The third is, are you willing to take a risk - however small - that your will damage your son, and his future happiness in this way?

James Mac

12/23/2012 10:13:58 am

Nappy Cakes,

Consider this; of the 80,000 registered doctors in Australia, hardly any (fewer than 1 in 1,000) are prepared to circumcise a healthy baby. In fact, in the whole of Tasmania and the Northern Territory, there's not a single one. Why would this me? All of these doctors will treat the sick or vaccinate a child, so why will hardly any circumcise?

my late husband had 2 sons in his first mariage, his then wife had their first son done but it was a bad job, and one he wasnt prepared to do it to his 2nd son, my late husband told me his eldest son was butchered., we went on to have 3 daughters thank god, for that.. i personally think it should be illegal in my country australia, and all countries, its unessesary trauma and pain,for a tiny baby.
.

jeff

12/23/2012 06:25:34 am

Please don't take from him what is his.

Sadie

12/23/2012 06:39:21 am

my friends mom has 4 boys only the first was circumcised because he has complications hes 28 his girlfriend and he didnt circumcise there son because at 28 he still has a piece of his forskin hes to scared to get it fixed his mom regrets it and thats why her yunger 3 boys are whole she feels she ruined his sex life

Jaime

12/23/2012 07:44:18 am

Please visit The Whole Network on FB and several of the groups that TWN follow. There is so much info- more than would be practical to post here. The pain (they feel IMMENSE pain!! And sometimes go into shock from it!), the risks (death, deformity, infection), the loss of protective, highly sensitive skin, and of course the fact that there is NO good reason to do it and it cannot be undone. Please do your homework... it will not take you long to see that your beautiful boy will be born perfect as he is- please do NOT do this to him. Best wishes!

Michele Zapple

12/23/2012 09:31:35 am

Please do NOT circumcise your baby. If you ever saw one, and I recommend that you watch a video of it being done, you wouldn't be able to do this to the most vulnerable infant you just gave birth to. Your job in life its to protect him from harm, and your first act can't be to let another harm him. I'm begging you.

It is true that circumcision is taken as the religious practice in many parts of world, but it not correct scientifically. Why should a child bear so much of pain at a tender age when he is not even aware of the meaning and reasons behind circumcision?

Why on the Earth is it that necessary to circumcise a baby, and push him to bear the extreme levels of pain intentionally? It is no less than facing a torture, and that too at the hands of his closest relations.

Oh! Have mercy on the small kid. Is circumcision more important than the well being of your child? Even though its is considered to be a religious procedure, but it is painful, and I believe that it is better to mold ourselves with the changing times, and stop being cruel.

I agree with the majority of people that are in favor of saving the children from inhumanly treatment by forcing them to undergo circumcision. Can a tiny kid understand the logic behind such a torturous behavior with him?