Ah, Yes, Now We Remember Why We Kept the "Girl on Top" Category Around

​Along with oversized bangles, rompers and feathered headbands, cheating on your spouse is a new supertrend ... if, that is, you're a lady! Press the moral panic button and make sure the smelling salts are close at hand, for demure sensibilities may be offended by a press release sent to us from affair-arranging social networking site AshleyMadison.com. Per Adulterers-R-Us:

"The number of female newlyweds in Dallas (married less than 3 years) who have signed up to their infidelity service to have an affair has skyrocketed over the past year. Female newlywed membership grew from 394 in April 2009 to 1,170 by April 2010. Whereas AshleyMadison.com's overall membership in Dallas grew 67%, female newlywed sign-ups have increased 197%. And this trend isn't just on AshleyMadison.com. Recent surveys show that for those under 40, adultery rates are NOW the same for men and women."

Let's pretend that it's actually reasonable to assume that actual infidelity is actually on the rise based on the increasing popularity of a Web site dedicated to cheating-easing, instead of coming to the conclusion that the Ashley Madison numbers more likely have something to do with the ever-increasing popularity of online dating and social networking generally, to say nothing of the press the site garnered from pundits and other panickers in the wake of notable sex scandals a la Eliot Spitzer and Tiger Woods.

Yes. Let's pretend.

According to Ashley Madison founder Noel Biderman, "the world's foremost expert on why men and women cheat" (credentials: calling self "world's foremost expert on why men and women cheat"), men cheat because it is super fun, and women cheat because they are saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Per same press release:

"Whereas men cheat primarily for 'sexual adventure,' women often turn to AshleyMadison.com because they seek attention that they're not currently getting at home. In this tumultuous economy resulting in more and more men focusing on their attention on their careers and not their spouses, more and more women are turning elsewhere to supplement this."

Morever, because marriage is priority numero uno for women, after the wedding bells have chimed and the actual marriage sets in, when the relationship inevitably doesn't measure up to the little princess dreams that have been shoved down their throats since birth, women cheat because they are saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. (All men, on the other hand, hate marriage and are cajoled and coerced, kicking and screaming, into it by commitment-obsessed harpies and thus cheat, again, because it is super fun.) Again, press release:

"Many women anticipate their wedding day for their entire lives and when the realization sets in that marriage is not what they expected, many women panic."

It's not just career-obsessed Don Draper husbands and post-wedding blues that lead women to cheat. It's also housework's fault. You know, because men go to REAL work and women do housework. In case you didn't get it the first time: Ladies cheat because housework makes them saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. God, it's not effing rocket science:

"Housewife syndrome: For many young newlyweds who take on the role of the stay-at-home mom, spare time can act as a catalyst for infidelity."

Finally, women also cheat because they are money-grubbing gold-diggers who are saaaaaaaaaaaaaaad because their current husbands aren't baller enough. Press release:

"Another subset of women are actually looking for a "whole new life" or to "trade up," and like the anonymity of AshleyMadison.com to seek potential suitors who can relate to what they're going through."

In conclusion: cheating is really fun, but not for women, who only cheat because they are sad.