WASHINGTON (AP) – While hundreds of thousands of people in Kentucky go without heat or electricity due to this week’s ice storm, President Barack Obama explained his indifference to the weather-related tragedy by saying “I’ve been kinda busy this week, and besides, I don’t care about white people, anyway.”

After the vicious winter storm swept through the state, more than half a million people Kentuckians were left shivering in the dark. “We’ve got lots of counties that do not have any communication, any heat, any power,” Steve Beshear, the state’s governor, said Wednesday.

“I can’t believe they’re closing down the state because of what, some ice?” said Obama incredulously. “When it comes to the weather, those inbred honkies don’t seem to be able to handle things. Too bad they don’t have my flinty Chicago toughness. It’s even more too bad that Kentucky used to be a slave state. I guess being afflicted by all those white-devil snow flakes is simply God’s justice.”

So far, 24 deaths have officially been blamed on the storm. That toll is expected to rise over the next few weeks, since damage was so widespread that repair crews don’t anticipate complete restoration of services until mid-February. Emergency officials said that utility workers were doing everything they could, but that there simply were too many felled lines, especially in remote areas of the state, to move any faster.

“I’d really love to help out,” said Obama, absent-mindedly scratching his face with his middle finger, “but I’ve got my hands full trying to push my stimulus package past those Pigmently-Challenged partisan hack Republicans in the Senate. Speaking of Republicans, did you know I only got 40% of the vote in yonder red state? And NOW they want me to make them a priority? I guess hillbillies really are as dumb as everyone says.”

And congratulations to the Republicans for now going a couple days in a row without completely screwing things up. That they even considered reelecting the current chair is a bit of a head scratcher, but so far so good. Now let’s see what Senate Republicans do with the craptastic “stimulus”.

With the President ordering the closing of Guantanamo Bay, the question arises: what to do with the prisoners there?

Of course, there are some on the left that think they need to be released. This, despite ongoingreports of former detainees returning to terrorism.

However, let’s assume that the administration recognizes that the bad guys are bad guys and need to be kept locked up somewhere.

Some states are saying they don’t want them. And I agree. I don’t want my state housing them.

But, then again, my state voted for McCain.

I have a solution that ought to make everybody happy: Spread the Guantanamo Bay prisoners around among the states that voted for Obama. I mean, after all, he campaigned on the promise to close Gitmo. So it’s not like they didn’t know he’d do it, right?

Well, it was okay with them if he did. So much so that they voted him into office.

I’m for having those responsible for putting Obama into office having to put up with the consequences.

Here’s the plan: There are, by one count, 245 prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. 28 states and the District of Columbia awarded 365 Electoral Votes to Obama.

Spread them out accordingly.

For each Electoral Vote for Obama, a state gets just over 2/3 (0.671) of a prisoner. Here’s the breakdown:

Here’s an awesome idea from a blogger at Big Hollywood: Windfall profits tax on celebrities. Hollywood should be all for that ’cause they want to help people and stuff. I say cut off actor salaries at like $100,000; that’s plenty of money for something that’s really more of a calling that an outright job. It is kinda silly that the people who pretend to do important things earn more money than the people who actually do important things; that’s just stupid capitalism messing up fairness. We should save the large salaries for people who kill evil foreigners.

And software engineers; that’s important too. I don’t know why they don’t do more movies about those people.

Here’s an interesting post on what journalists do after they lose their job. I always assumed they just found a hole somewhere to die in, but apparently a lot of them get other jobs. I don’t know what a former journalist is qualified for, though. I mean, that aren’t really a lot of jobs for dimwitted, partisan hacks. There are college professors, but there are already so many useless liberals vying for those cushy jobs. I guess a former journalist can be that guy who rips your ticket when you go to the movies. They could also probably stand by the side of a road and wave a sign for some business. Any other ideas?

It’s easy to make fun of Obama, but sometimes you have to admire his skilled unipartisanship. It’s pretty hard to make a bill so bad that you can’t even get one squish Republican to vote for it. Well, at least when the economy improves (as always happens when the government spends larges sums of tax money) the Democrats can take all the credit.

“Well, Ed, we’re kinda busy here,” Stan said with more than a hint of annoyance.

Doug looked at Ed quizzically. “You live here?”

“Yeah, it’s right in the middle of nothing. It’s nice and quiet.” He motioned behind him down a cave path. “I’m roasting some chicken if you guys want some.”

Doug was pretty hungry, but it didn’t seem like a time to pause to eat. “I have to help my friends.”

“If I were in your position, dude, I would not be rushing off to anything.”

“Why? What do you know? Are you one of…” Doug pointed to Stan. “…them?”

“I’m just someone who just got screwed in this type of conflict before.”

“He’s nothing, Doug,” Stan stated quite firmly. “Ignore him.”

“I don’t really care if you listen to me or not — I’m pretty much done with the whole caring thing — but I just heard this guy filling your head with a bunch of nonsense so I thought I’d say something. He’s trying to convince you that you can win this, but it’s a load of crap.”

“I can’t win?” Doug asked, a little more scared now.

Ed laughed. “Come on. Look what you’re up against. What the hell do you expect to do?”

“Well, I saw I have some power–”

“Like you understood anything you saw when you were tortured. The truth is all you humans are completely screwed, and there ain’t nothing you can do about while you wait for those in power to finally figure out how to get rid of you.”

“I don’t believe you,” Doug said, though he didn’t quite sell it.

“You believe him?” Ed pointed to Stan.

“The fact is, you won’t know who tells the truth until you try,” Stan said.

Ed laughed again and looked to Doug. “Yeah, _he_ won’t know until you try. You’re basically a canary in a coal mine for him. The guy set this up to see whether or not you get completely slaughtered, and he has his plans either way.”

Doug approached Ed angrily. “So what do you expect me to do? Just abandon everyone?”

Ed shrunk back a little. “Hey, don’t yell at me. I’m just telling you the truth. You getting crushed by forces beyond your understanding isn’t going to help your friends either. You can either play this stupid game, or you can walk away.”

“So nothing will stop Loch, Ronove, and the others? What about God?”

“Come on, dude. What do you think? You really think Him, Santa Claus, and an honest lawyer are going to swoop in at the last minute and save the day? This world is just crap fighting crap over more crap. That’s all it ever was and all it ever will be. You can try and put a meaning to it if it makes you feel better, though.”

Doug was getting frustrated to the point of breaking. “So you’re saying it’s all pointless?”

“People made up religion because they just can’t accept the fact that whether you spend your life helping people or murdering babies, it all ends the same. And whether you help your friends or walk away, it won’t make a difference in the end. I’m just telling you because it seems like one of you humans deserves to know the truth from someone who knows.”

“You never should have listened to him in the first place,” Ed said. “That’s a good policy with any nutter who introduces himself as the Devil.”

Doug turned back to Ed. “And I’m not listening to you either! You do seem like a loser.”

He chuckled. “Sorry I’m not as awesome as you.”

“None of you know anything, so I’m done listenting to any of you! I’m going to go help my friends. I don’t know exactly how, but I know it’s worthless trying to get any answers out of you… things!” Doug turned to leave to see more cave walls. He then looked back to Stan and Ed. “Um… so how do I get to Loch?”

“I’ll show you,” Ed said and motioned for Doug to follow. He led Doug down a torch lit path to where there was a chicken roasting on a spit next to what looked like a small pond. “Sure you don’t want any chicken?”

“I don’t have time to be eating chicken!” Doug snapped.

Ed frowned. “It’s good chicken.”

Doug looked around. “Where’d Stan go?”

Ed shrugged. “Maybe he’s moved on to other things.”

“So how do I get to Loch’s ship?”

Ed pointed to the pond. Doug looked at it more carefully, and thought he saw something moving in the murky water.

“I gotta swim through there?”

Ed nodded. “Underwater tunnel will take you to Loch’s ship.”

“But the ship is flying in the air. That doesn’t make any sense.”

“What does.” Ed walked over to check on his chicken.

Doug took another look at the water. “Is it a long tunnel? Will I be able to hold my breath for it?”

Ed cut off a chicken leg. “How am I supposed to know how long you can hold your breath?”

Doug poked the water with his sword, and he thought he saw something grab at it. “Are there things in there?”

“Yeah I forgot to tell you about that.” He took a bit of his chicken. “I’m not sure what they are, but they will rip you apart if you fear them.”

Doug saw more movement, but no shapes for his mind to latch on to. “I just have to… um… not fear them and they won’t touch me?”

“Yeah… I think… I’m not really sure.” He took another bite of chicken. “Maybe they rip you apart no matter what, but I’m quite sure fearing them isn’t going to help.”

Doug glared at Ed. “You really suck.”

“Whatever. Hey, it’s a hard path, but if you survive it, it will make getting ripped apart by Loch feel like you really earned it.”

Doug stared at the water. He was pretty sure those things were going to tear him to pieces, but he wasn’t going to make it easy on them. “So you sure this will take me to my friends?”

“Yep.”

“Then that’s all I need to know.” He gripped his sword firmly and prepared to jump in.

I was going to stop making jokes about Obama getting a bucket stuck on his head because I thought that joke had run its course, but then this happened. Now the bucket being stuck on his head doesn’t sound so outlandish.

Did you know there are 177 Republicans in the House? Supposedly, there are less Republicans in the House now after the last couple elections, but that seems like more Republicans than I remember hearing about in years.

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