Friday, May 28, 2010

A Different Life

I would have to admit that even when I look fine most of the time, there are times when I still spend time thinking how everything went completely wrong in our relationship. Many people say it was perfect, that we are great for each other. And for the most part, I think that we really are.

But the big question is what went wrong?

I tried to rehash things and understand it from all sides, and I came to one conclusion: Hub wasn't strong enough to handle me. All throughout our relationship, I have been pretty honest with practically everything. Early on, when it wasn't even us yet, I admitted that I get bored easily, and he replied with "Magbabago-bago ako everyday para iba araw-araw." I was really like that, and I was honest about it. I did not tell anyone that I am going to be as sweet as a cupcake or as patient as a preschool teacher. So for three years, he tried to keep up with me just to make and keep me happy. And then he got tired.

As much as I want to blame myself for everything, I can't. I can't because I didn't know that he was just keeping up. Nobody told me. He never complained. What hurts the most is that fact: that he did not complain. I may be a bitch, but I would stop being one just so I can keep that one person I love. It hurts because he only told me so after three years when there is absolutely nothing that I could do anymore but hurt. And man, it sucks like hell.

Another thing that I hate him so much for is that he made me wait for more than four weeks making me believe that he'll be coming back when that's not even a part of his plan. He never planned to come back. What he is, however, is a man with no balls to tell me that "hey, this shit we call a relationship is not working anymore and I want out." He didn't. Instead, he waited for me to do it, and when I finally did, he ended the conversation with "I am still hoping for us.. Not today.. not this week.. but soon sana" making me think that there is still us to wait for. And wait I did -- for another week. Then come our monthsary, I greeted him, and I was slapped with "it's over. You ended us last week." Oh, WTF! How in the world did that fuckin happen? I was damn waiting for nothing.

This is such a sad ending to such a great love story, but everytime I wish to sulk and mope and cry my heart out and look down from buildings and wonder "will the fall kill me?", I think of myself and how there is still a lot to look forward to. My life didn't end. We did. And while I would've given my life for Hub no matter how short of a life that will be, I can't mope and sulk and cry my heart out and commit suicide for someone who dumped me after making me think he's working on his issues.

It sucks to be in this situation, but little by little life's colors are coming back again. Little by little I've been breaking out of my comfort zone and finding new meaning in life. Little by little I've stopped blaming myself for being me. I am letting go of the anger and come into terms that it's O.V.E.R. It's time to live a different life now, one that I have forgotten for more than three years.