Doth close behind him tread."
- Coleridge, Rime of the Ancient Mariner.

Hello darlings. I've been rather ill all week, and saw my Doctor (one J. Kervorkin. I often disagree with his recommended course of treatment though) this afternoon. Therefore, I can not say with absolute certainly that it was just seeing the revolting little gnomish face of the detestable Russell Hantz back on my TV screen that sent me sprinting to the bathroom for a sudden revisit from my dinner, but I can state without fear of successful contradiction that Russell makes me sick.

After losing two consecutive editions of Survivor last year, Russell swore to the press in interviews that he would NEVER do Survivor again. I should have known better than to believe him. It's Psycho Russell; he is first, last, and always, a liar. His name probably isn't even "Russell," since he says it is. Why is he back? He couldn't win the show against people who knew nothing about him twice; he's certainly never going to win against players who are all onto his evil game. So why is he there? Why is he anywhere? To indulge his gigantic ego, of course.

And of course, the show's producer, Palin's Pimp (sometimes also called Mark Burnett), prefers to work with Evil People, like Sarah Palin and Donald Trump. (Trump this week announced his opposition to Gay Marriage as part of his fishing for a Republican presidential run, but he also tried to kiss up to gays, saying how much he liked them. You Gay People are swell. I just don't think you should have the same civil rights as I do. I'm a swine, but I'm straight. But please, vote for me, so I can repeal your civil rights. Trump is, of course, the poster boy for The Sanctity of Straight Marriage.)

So Palin's Pimp clearly recognized a soul mate in Russell, and couldn't wait to have him back. Why not just give him his own show, like Russell Hantz's Texas, and show him swindling women and children out of their welfare checks, and then giggling over what "patsies" they were, before going home to terrorize his wife and daughters?

And then there's Boston Rob. I like Rob, but this is his fourth round of Survivor, and I really don't need to see him again. I realize that last season they had a rash of quitters, one of whom, Beelzebimbo, aka NaOnka, was even more evil and psychotic than Russell, and considerably more stupid and ignorant, but that's no reason to pointlessly recycle players we overdosed on last year.

Plus, they've added their Zombie Island twist, which will recycle players from this season. It's basically become impossible to get anyone off of the damn show. So brace yourselves, darlings, I'm going to be cranky this season. No one should be expected to watch, let alone recap, three seasons of Russell.

So now to toke up on my anti-nausea meds, and steal myself for episode one.

The opening shots were of an army helicopter swooping over scenery, and for a moment I though Sarah Palin was going to open fire from it on some innocent moose or Liberal, but no. It was this season's players being choppered into Nicaragua.

Wait! Nicaragua again also? Tell you what. Why don't I just rerun random paragraphs from my past Survivor recaps, instead of writing new ones? Why should I be new, when this one is same old/same old: same old players, same old location?

And still they're playing with an over-packed cast of 20. How about cutting it back to 19, and pushing Russell out of the helicopter? As James Mason said in North By Northwest: "This matter is best disposed of from a great height, over water."

We began meeting our new players. First off, there's Phillip, an attractive older black man, CEO of a software company (i.e., doesn't need the money), and a former Federal Agent. Ew. I still haven't forgiven those guys for prohibition. I'm usually partial to attractive black men, but I draw the line at the FBI.

Worse though is Matt, a 22 year old devout Christian pre-med student, who says: "I pray everyday as I strive to become more like my savior." And that would be who? I don't recall this mythological Jesus person competing for big money prizes, voting people off of islands (Jesus was supposed to be the sort who would vote himself off so the least of them could win.), nor his being a blond surfer-type hunk. In any event, pre-med? What I insist on in a doctor is a person whose life is devoted to Science, not someone so dopey, he thinks a bunch of Bronze Age fairy tales are true, and bases his life on a primitive fiction. Doctors who believe in Divine Resurrection? Is he pre-med to become a witch doctor?

In his CBS online bio, Matt, or as I think of him, Dr. Jesus, says his Personal Claim to Fame is: "My decision to lead my own life." Hey Doc Savior, a "Claim to Fame" is something that makes you different from everyone else. Show me one human being, ever, who led someone else's life, not their own. One. What makes me unique is I eat food, and when I'm tired, I sleep. Matt looks a lot like last season's winner, Fabio. But Fabs was a guy who acted dumb while sliding home to victory on his strategy and his likeability. Dr. Jesus acts smart but is clearly an idiot, and I despised him in 15 seconds flat. (Russell showed up wearing a large crucifix around his neck. That's the kind of fine human beings Christianity attracts.)

Then there is Ralph, a self-described "dumbass redneck" farmer. He feels they've never had a dumbass redneck win before. Apparently, he has short term memory problems, because JT won a few seasons back, and that redneck Alabama rancher was the idiot who, a year ago, went to great lengths to give away an Immunity Idol to Russell on a different tribe, one of the biggest idiot plays of all-time.

Francesca, a 36 year old, black, female attorney who apparently chose to wear a maternity gown onto the show, said: "We're on the beach, and we saw the mats, and it's like, oh wow: this is really happening; I'm really on Survivor." So the months of interviews and testing for the selection process, the acceptance letter, the flight from America to Nicaragua, and the helicopter flight with Jeff Probst, weren't enough to convince her she wasn't just being punked. But then she saw mats on a beach, and now she gets it? How long did law school take her? 20 years? And really, is it a good idea to have a lawyer playing? Who wants the challenges to wind up as lawsuits?

Mike, a movie star handsome man of 31, on his CBS online bio, gave as his Occupation: "Iraq War Veteran." That would be like George W. Bush giving his occupation as "Former Presidential Usurper." It's a past occupation. What does he do now? Is he "between armies"? Mike said: "I think I'm going to win just because of my background." Darling, you win with what you do in the foreground. "I think I've been trained for something like this." The Marines teach their recruits how to play Survivor? Well there's a budget cut we could easily make.

When Rob and Russell were trotted out like Halloween frights, some of the people actually acted star struck to see Russell. Last weekend, at the Hollywood Has-Been Show in Burbank, a lot of people who should really rethink their lives actually lined up to get the autograph of still-in-denial murderer Robert Blake. These are the sorts of morons who would be excited to meet Russell.

Stephanie, a 25 year old waitress, seeing Russell and creaming with excitement to meet this notorious woman-hater, said: "I'm gonna stare down Russell. And I know when I stare down Russell, he'll know, she has a little evil inside of her..." No, he'll know here is a dumb waitress I will use and discard. She thinks she can stare me down? She added: "Because if I'm not the one he picks to keep to the end, I'm gonna be out." Ah Stephanie, you moron -- may I call you Moron? Well, I'm going to. Stephanie, you moron, with that attitude, you will indeed be out. Why assume that Russell running a strategy everyone saw him run twice before would work a third time? Why assume his tribe will be stupid enough not to vote him off first?

On her CBS online bio, Stephanie gives her occupation as waitress, and her Personal Claim to Fame as: "Reopening my mother's dental office." Has anyone on earth ever gotten famous by opening a dental office? Admittedly though, having a waitress practice dentistry might achieve some notoriety, at least during the trial. Her answer to why she feels she'll be the Sole Survivor is: "I feel it in me." I've given that answer billions of times, but never to that question.

The new players had already been divided up into teams. Rob and Russell were then assigned to tribes by random drawing. Rob drew the Ometepe Tribe. "Ometepe" is an anagram for "Ete Poem," which was always Lord Byron's excuse for not having his homework. The Poem Eaters were happy not to get Russell.

The poor Viva Zapata Tribe got cursed with Russell. Zapatan Steve hollered to Russell while smiling, as though sharing a tribe with that wolverine was a treat: "Come on, Russell, let's go buddy." Setting aside my loathing of people who call people they've just that second met "Buddy," at 51, Steve should know better than to think of Russell as a buddy. Russell is nobody's buddy.

In his CBS online bio, Steve gives his Personal Claim to Fame as playing on the Dallas Cowboys for 13 years. Wait a minute! That actually is a genuine Claim to Fame, if not to me, not like: "I once ate a bug" or "My friends all like me." Hey, is this that gasbag Superbowl Guy from last season, sneaking back in with liposuction and a downwardly-mobile age?

Russell hurried over to his tribe and immediately hugged the youngest woman there, and no one else. She was so stupidly starstruck, she never even noticed she was being perved on on national TV.

Jeff then explained to the castaways how, when they are voted off, instead of going home, they go to Zombie Island, though he called it "Redemption Island," so that Dr. Jesus would be just dying to go.

Russell, in his first return to form, bragged to us that Zombie Island didn't scare him: "Put me on that island and see what happens, 'cause I'm-a win the challenges. I'm-a come back. I'm-a take some heads off." I'd forgotten his stupid expression "I'm-a" which he uses because he's too glottally lazy to say the words "going to." But I say, do it! Take him up on it, Viva Zapata. Put him on the island. Because, you may recall that Russell's challenge wins record is subpar, to say the least. He loses one challenge on Zombie Island and he's gone! (Until Palin's Pimp finds some other cheat to bring the creep back. You see, to Palin's Pimp, Russell is "a likeable guy." Well, he's more likeable than Palin's Pimp anyway.)

Jeff warned them all that it rains -- a lot, taking no chances of another Beelzebimbo, who had no idea that the term "Rain Forest" meant: "jungle where it rains a lot." As Jeff said this, the camera lingered on David, a 31 year old defense attorney (Two lawyers! Is David E. Kelley filling in for Palin's Pimp? And this one is a guy whose job is helping criminals escape justice. He should be giving his card to Russell), who was dressed in a black business suit. Last time we had a moron who wore $1600 alligator shoes into the jungle. Now we got a doofus in a black suit. In his CBS online bio, David says: "Nine times out of ten, when I walk into a room, I'm the most-intelligent person there." Perhaps, but obviously, when he's outdoors, he's the idiot wearing a black business suit into the rain forest. Even Dr. Jesus isn't that dumb, and he believes a virgin can give birth.

Going to commercial, Jeff asked us to ponder what would happen if Shambles of three seasons back, who is still, somehow, unmarried, had been able to go to Zombie Island and later return from the dead. I did ponder it, and now I'm afraid to turn out the lights and go to sleep. I tried, and woke up screaming! That was cruel, Jeff. Kids watch your show.

Russell went into bragging mode as soon as we headed off to the camps, telling us how, this time, he was going to win Sole Survivor. Yeah, yeah. Pull the other one. We've heard this out of you before, Russell. We know you're full of it. "The first two, I was a schoolboy ..." He must have meant Reform School Boy. "...This one, I'm bringing it." Bringing what? That means nothing. Why didn't he "bring it" the last two times? Back in his first-ever Survivor episode, he bragged that he was there to show just how easy it is to win Survivor. He failed to do so. Now he seems to be saying, it took me three tries to figure out how to win this game. What about the 16 people who have won it the first time they played, Russell?

"I'm not here to sabotage anything from nobody." Russell said, telling a weirdly ungrammatical lie. Anyone on the Viva Zapata Tribe who believed him should just go back to America right now, because they're too stupid to win anything from nobody.

Steve, who, let us remember, is over 50, was walking about open-shirted, displaying muscular pecs just beginning their sag, covered in aging skin best covered up. Oh boy. Just what the tribe needs, another narcissist.

They were furnished with tools and building materials, which was awfully nice of the management, who usually make them compete for any tool or material. Hayseed Ralph said they could use it to build "a shack." He wants it just like home. Maybe then, he can build a still, and brew some Yokumberry Tonic.

But Steve shirtless was a male swimsuit catalog next to Ralph, when he insisted on stripping off his shirt to reveal a burly, pudgy body, covered, front, back, and sides, with bright red brambles he believes is hair. A more gruesome sight I have not seen in many a year. My cats ran from the room in fright. Mike nicknamed him "Steel Wool," and rightly pointed out that even naked, Ralph appears to be wearing a really ugly wool sweater.

Mike wants to win Immunity Challenges. If I were on his tribe, I'd want to lose the first immunity challenge, so we could vote out Russell immediately. The longer you leave him around, the more trouble you're in, and the more personal items that will go missing.

Dr. Jesus asked Boston Rob if he was really from Boston. That's the nice thing about having a few morons on the show. They write the jokes for me.

A hopelessly stupid dumb blonde bimbo on the Ete Poem Tribe named Andrea was seen chopping away with a hatchet on a log she was holding down with her bare foot one inch from where she was chopping. I laughed loudly. Hooting really. She took a patronizing attitude towards Phillip having the gall to warn her she was in real danger of chopping off her toes, despite her own admission that: "I don't even have the best aim." Phillip shouldn't do that, since:

A. The ignorant always resent being told how to do something by someone who knows how to do it. And...

B. Let her chop off her toes. I'd laugh. She'd be gone, as well as properly punished for her stupidity. But she was smugly confident that she knew how to hatchet and hammer, even though no one who did would do what she was doing. My grandfather was an expert carpenter, and even he forever lost the ends of two fingers to a power saw in a single moment of carelessness. Let Darwinism prevail. Let her maim herself. It's good TV.

Phillip is a bit of an idiot also. He called all the women over to "reveal" he'd been a Federal Agent. Never do that. Don't you realize that will instantly make many, many people distrust you? But then he bragged about how he could read people's behavior, so he'd always know when someone lies to him. (Cops always think that. That's why no innocent person has ever been convicted of a crime in America ever, let alone executed.)

A. This is waving a red flag at a bull. You're daring people to lie to you. And since everyone on earth can be fooled with lies to some degree, you're going to look like a big-mouthed schmuck, when someone does lie to you, and you miss it

B. If it were true, always true, that would be a useful Superpower to keep secret!

You could see all the women registering what a tool he is.

Kristina, a law student (Potential lawyer. What is this? Perry Mason: The Next Generation?) on the Ete Poem Tribe, had something else on her mind besides building a shack: searching through the tool kits and supplies for Hidden Immunity Idols, although we're 17 minutes into the show, so Russell probably has all of them by now.

With her elephantine subtlety, Rob immediately spotted what Kristina was doing, and nicely steered away stupid Andrea for her.

Rob tried recruiting Phillip to help him fend off the women, who outnumbered the men on this tribe. Phillip pretended to go along, made a dopey, macho speech to us about them being rival lions, thus setting new world records for a rush to look like a dillweed on TV, and ran off to tattle to Kristina, telling her: "I'm-a stick to the girls." I'm-a again. He's not even on Russell's tribe, and he's picking up bad habits from him. In any event, if he swims enough to keep relatively clean, all things considered, he shouldn't actually stick to them, which is not actually an attractive proposition.

"I got real integrity in terms of what I tell people," said Phillip to Kristina 8 seconds (I counted) after telling her he was lying to Boston Rob, and intended to continue lying to him. That does sound like a Federal Agent's idea of "real integrity."

Kristina likes what she sees: "There's something about you that is really solid." Why can't we see that, instead of Ralph's mansweater?

Russell, spotting Stephanie for a prize fool, returned to Russell Playbook Play #1, and made that old you-and-me-to-the-end pitch he always makes in episode one. Is this a rerun?

Sarita, a 36 year old special effects producer, saw what Russell was up to. I liked her at once. First, she's a special effects producer, the people responsible for my best acting. And her immediate response was: "We need to get Russell out of this game immediately." Yes, you do. When David (now sensibly in a t-shirt) told this to Mike the Marine, Mike showed us he's not the swiftest waterfall in the woods by saying: "Russell's not a threat."

What?

Russell is a living, breathing, conniving threat, who preys on just such overconfident stupidity. David should have repeatedly slapped some sense into him. After a good talking-to from David, Mike revised his opinion: "Any pros of having Russell around have quickly evaporated." What "Pros of having Russell around"? There is no such thing as a pro to having Russell around. The only thing that kept me from throwing stuff at the screen when he said that was that Mike was sitting there shirtless for the first time, and that man is gorgeous from the ground up. If he is absolutely unable to act at all, he could be a gladiator in Spartacus: Gods of the Arena.

Gotta give Kristina credit, she pulled a Russell, and found a Hidden Immunity Idol the first day, without clues, which she took the revolutionary approach of retrieving and hiding, rather than announcing to everyone she found it. Then she went about her business of trying to influence others into voting out Rob at the first opportunity. Phillip responded to her request not to tell anyone of their plan to oust Rob, and he got all huffy about it, saying if he felt like telling someone something, he would. Yes, but why announce it? And why is a 52 year old man, older than Steve, with a doughy, once-nice, now going rapidly to seed body, standing about chatting with two grown women while wearing only a pair of saggy fuchsia briefs? The narcissism in play with the older men is scary. Phil, you're lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground.

Phillip basically tried to interrogate Kristina and Francesca about the get-Rob plan, and when this put their backs up, he tried to pull rank, forgetting he had no rank. "I'm a grown-man," he said to these two women, one 36, the other 46, as though they were 4 year olds. For someone who believes himself a professional investigator, he has zero people-skills, and every word from his fatuous mouth drove these two women who came to him as allies farther away.

Immunity Challenge: A busy work challenge. They had to push big things along tracks to build a "temple staircase," then chop through ropes to release more steps, then climbing it, they had to assemble a huge block puzzle. I hate puzzles in challenges. So boring to watch. The prize was Immunity and flint.

The early running and pushing part was nice and energetic, but assembling the puzzle is all that matters. You could complete the first two stages of the challenge half an hour ahead of the other tribe, and if they're better at the puzzle than you are, you're dead, so the early part is basically irrelevant.

It was a bit amazing that Ete Poem were tremendously lame at the first step, sliding in the gigantic temple steps pieces, while Viva Zapata were breezing through it. If Viva Zapata wins, Russell won't go to Zombie Island for at least another week. Come on, Ete Poem!

Mansweater handled the rope-chopping, undoubtedly using the same technique he uses on chicken heads outside his shack back at the farm. He was through stage 2 well before Ete Poem finished building their steps. Our only hope of being rid of Russell early was if they were hopeless at giant block puzzles. Well, you can't exactly do them on the train as you ride to work in the morning, like a crossword puzzle.

Dr Jesus took the chopping chores. I assume He's not planning to be a surgeon. Either He has no chopping ability whatever, or those ropes were being healed by His Divine Touch after each chop. Meanwhile, Viva Zapata was happily building their puzzle.

Long after Viva Zapata, Ete Poem finally got up to their puzzle. Now no discernible progress had been made on the puzzle by the other team, whereas Boston Rob is known to be a strong puzzle man. But not strong enough. Viva Zapata won. Russell was safe. Drat!

Rob's magic with the young ladies was already at work, though. A blond bimbette named Ashley, who is indistinguishable from Andrea, even by their respective sets of parents, was upset by losing the challenge (not that she had done squat to help win it) because: "I feel like we let Rob down." You did, but so what? Shouldn't you be bemoaning that you let yourself down? Who are you playing for?

In her CBS online bio, when asked which Survivor past contestant are you most like, Ashley answered "I'm not like anyone but myself," which is fairly ironic given she is impossible to tell apart from Andrea. If CBS didn't put their names on the screen when they talk, I wouldn't know who was whom.

Kristina lost points with me by telling Francesca she has the idol. Well, she kept quiet for the better part of a quarter hour. Fran couldn't grasp how she could have an idol before any clues. The idea of looking for it didn't occur to her. Kristina laid out a bold plan to have Francesca get the other girls to vote for her, Kristina, and then Kristina, Francesca, and "Big Mouth Over There" (Phillip. Well, Big Mouth is better than "Flasher," given his now-firmly-established practice of parading around the much-younger women in those saggy, fuchsia briefs), vote for Rob, and Kristina plays the idol; a daring plan which does involve losing her idol right away. After she explained her complex-but-sound plan to Francesca in full detail, Fran replied: "Wow, you have the idol?" She's swift, that one. Why am I certain she's not a trial attorney?

There was a flaw unseen by Kristina in her plan. Francesca, like the other women, was already under Rob's power. Kristina was alone in her desire to oust Rob. It is the smart play, but she has a dumb ally. How did Francesca pass the bar? (I have never passed a bar myself.)

Francesca wanted to take out Natalie. Wait a minute. Who is Natalie? Turns out she's a 19 year old dancer who now, at 41 minutes in, has been seen only in long shots. Will she be voted out before she ever gets to say anything on camera? In her CBS online bio, when asked which Survivor past contestant are you most like, Natalie answered: "Natalie from Samoa." Well yes. They have the same name. They're practically twins. Poor Kristina, because for some reason, she just hates Rob. Maybe it has to do with her being more than a decade older than Rob, and so not on his flirtation horizon.

Whatever it is, Rob arrived here with more experience than anyone but Jeff Probst, and he's noticed that Kristina is after him, and playing the game already, while the other women aren't. He wants to vote her out, and is preaching this gospel to his choir of girls. Of course, if Kristina goes through with her play-the-idol plot, that could blow up in his face.

But Rob has reasoned that she could have the idol. He has, after all, a lot more snap than Francesca, so he proposed a split-the-vote tactic (Which had blown up in his face last year), with a tie between Francesca and Kristina, so they have insurance if she plays the idol.

Meanwhile, Big Mouth Over There took another try at interrogating Kristina. He sort-of apologized, though the words "I'm sorry" were missing. However, he did say: "When you're in this, I call it, hyper state of arousal..." Hello? Good thing the fuchsia briefs were out of the shot. Anyway, Loose Lips Kristina showed Big Mouth Over There the idol. Never show your idol to someone you yourself named Big Mouth Over There.

However, Big Mouth Over There was on board with ousting Rob, because: "Goodbye Rob, and you're looking at the new leader." [Grin] Big Mouth Over There thinks he's The Old Spice Guy. He's The Old Spice Guy in 25 years, if he never exercises again, starting today. He's the Old Tool Guy, because he is a tool. Yup. I believe he was a Federal Agent. He's just the kind of dillweed who'd be one.

Tribal Council: Big Mouth Over There is incapable of noticing that every time he opens his mouth, half of his tribe are rolling their eyes at how full of himself he is. When your mouth is full, it's rude to speak. When your mouth is full of yourself, it's unwise to speak.

Francesca said at one point: "If Boston Rob were to be voted out tonight, which he's not going to..." and Big Mouth Over There did a double take that would seem overdone to the late Charlie Callas. That she might have said that to put Rob off his guard clearly didn't cross his razor-rusty Fed Agent mind. No. You could see him thinking: "Wait a minute! She's supposed to be voting Rob with us." Yes, Big Mouth Over There, but a blindside works best when you lull the victim into a false sense of security. Big Mouth Over There is an idiot.

Never share a secret with someone you yourself named Big Mouth Over There. Living up to his name, Big Mouth then announced Kristina's plan. Holy crap, what a tool!

When Francesca refused to let Big Mouth Over There intimidate her into silence, Big Mouth was forced to assert his authority higher up: "Jeff, I'm a former special agent..." he began, though Jeff didn't instantly say: "Then you're in charge." As Big Mouth Over There ran his mouth, Kristina was silently getting others to change their vote to Big Mouth, and he didn't notice, because he was too busy running his mouth, angry that his ex-special agent status was not being honored.

Jeff was grinning. He didn't even need to ask questions. The Council had taken off on its own, and he was loving it, as was Rob. Big Mouth Over There, not so much.

It occurred to Big Mouth Over There that he'd forgotten to blab about Kristina having the idol. So he announced it. Loose lips sink ships, and Big Mouth was sinking the Titanic. One day, Gloria Stuart will be tossing that Immunity Idol overboard.

"Now you're going to say that I'm unstable?" ranted Big Mouth Over There, who was now slightly less stable than old, sweaty nitro.

Boston Rob now schooled Kristina in just what having experience in this game means (which is also why it is wildly unfair for two experienced players to be playing with 18 first-timers). Since Kristina and Phillip were telling different tales of who they were voting for, Rob came up with a brilliant move. He told her if she gave him the Immunity Idol, he'd let her stay. I started this hour pissed and angry that I was being subjected to Russell again (and that anger has not left), but this was turning into one of the best Tribal Councils ever.

(Plus, there was a big, half-black hunk named Grant, with a magnificent body, another ex-NFL player, who had not spoken a word the whole show, and he was seated prominently enough that I could enjoy looking at him, while the verbal battle raged.)

Maybe Dr. Jesus could cut the Idol in half.

In the end, Kristina refused Rob's offer. All Jeff really could add was: "Let's get to the vote."

But there was still one more surprise. Not only would Kristina not give the idol to Rob; she wouldn't give it to Jeff either. She decided to hang onto it. I wonder if players voted out while holding an Idol get to take it to Zombie Island with them.

Big Mouth Over There got two votes, Kristina three, and Francesca was off to become a Zombie. Her parting words to the tribe were "Don't trust Phillip." Good Advice.

Jeff: "Well, good news is, Flint will be waiting for you back in camp." Derek Flint, of Our Man Flint? How many Federal Agents does that tribe need? Double-0-Zero!