You'll have to forgive the Mill for today's direct approach. We're in a bit of a rush – places to be, people to annoy. Don't like it? Not up to the usual standards? Have your expectations not been met? Then send your complaints to youmustbejoking@theguardian.com and address them to a Mr D.O. One.

Otherwise sit back and tolerate the following fluff.

Sporting Lisbon have told Manchester United that William Carvalho will cost them £37.5m. Ed Woodward will offer 2p and see where it gets him, before turning his attention to signing Barcelona's Rafa Alcântara, younger brother of Thiago. An impressively optimistic David Moyes was also at the Emirates to watch Toni Kroos steer Bayern Munich to victory over Arsenal – good luck with that one, lads.

With Tottenham umming and ahhing over giving Younes Kaboul a new contract, Fiorentina plan to swoop in and nab the 28-year-old defender. Tottenham will console themselves by signing Argentinos midfielder Rodrigo Gómez for £3m.

Leeds would like the last 10 years not to have happened. Failing that, a goalkeeper on loan will have to do – Jack Butland and Heurelho Gomes are on their radar.

Liverpool, Manchester City and Chelsea all want to sign the Arsenal right-back Bacary Sagna, just to get on Classy Arsène's nerves. Thomas Vermaelen would also like to leave Arsenal, but no one appears to want him.

Weird.

Chelsea's Eden Hazard dreams of playing for Paris Saint-Germain, from which we are to interpret that he likes money.

And that's your lot! Frankly we're amazed you've made it to the end of what really was a half-arsed effort. You want to have a long, hard look at yourself in fact – frankly, the Mill expects better from its readers.