Sunday, November 23, 2008

"I'm so hot for you, I'm so hot for youI'm so hot for you and you're so cold" She's So Cold - The Rolling Stones

The question has been put to me time and time again, and I'm going to come clean here: YES, I would fuck a vampire.

There would be conditions, of course. The vampire must be amazing looking, answer all of my questions beforehand, and have a full stomach so as to avoid any mishaps that could lead to my becoming "undead" as it were ("dead" wouldn't really work for me either, as I really want to catch the season finale of "Californication").

My first curiosity lies in body temperature; how cold are they? Like slightly nippy cold, or icicle cold? I certainly don't want a tongue stuck to a frozen monkey bar type of incident (let alone any other moist parts getting frosted together), and if they are THAT cold, how can they summon the guard? I mean, isn't circulation sort of a necessity for making Count Dickula come to life for a few rounds?

I'm guessing they don't have problems with "shark week"* do they? Not to be gross, but wouldn't that make them hungry?

The fangs, are they there all the time? Because there are certain things that if I wanted them pierced, they'd be pierced already. I like my neck ravished more than Christmas, but the key is not to leave any marks (or puncture wounds), so obviously some self restraint will be required dentally in addition to the "old school" duration practices expected of the living penile partners (no three minute bloodsuckers allowed).

I'm guessing if they're dead there is no cause for concern in the area of STD's or pregnancy, which leads me to my next question? Do they shoot blanks or like tiny little bats or what? I know it's crass, but I gotta know.

Breath. If you have death on your breath, that's a deal breaker. If you're a vampire, you had best be keeping a water pic in that coffin, along with vast amounts of Toms of Maine mouthwash. Even then, I still would request they rinse and spit a half bottle of Belvedere vodka in front of me, just to make sure. Yeesh.

If all these questions are answered to my pleasing, I'm good to go but would have one final request.