Have you ever had a prayer so desperate it crashed loudly in the torrential storm of your spirit? A plea so full of depth, it couldn’t be given an audible voice? One equally full of hope and fear? Lately, my prayers have been carnal cries to the Lord. Petitions that bring me to my knees.

Less than three weeks from now will mark one year of clear, cancer-free scans. June 14th is a day I have fervently longed for since the beginning of this journey. While I’ve derailed the statistics of my diagnosis (a less than 20% chance to survive one year), I have yet to make it an entire year without cancer. I’ve hit the three-month mark and have even made it to eight months cancer-free, but I have yet to receive one whole year of clear scans. Within the next week I’ll be laying on the cold, hard, metallic table while a machine takes pictures of my insides from head to toe. And then I must wait, which for me is the hardest; Scanxiety can be quite overwhelming. This is the scan I’ve never made it to.

My prayer life has been brought to new heights since hearing my life is not guaranteed. Not one of my prayers ends without the utterance of a plea to remain cancer-free for the rest of my life here on Earth. My conversations with God are full of asking for dreams to come to fruition. “I’d love to grow old with my husband. Please allow me to experience motherhood. I want to watch my children grow into adults and have their own children. I ask that I live until I’m wrinkled, hard of hearing, and gray.” Some petitions are whispered in my spirit without a voice to convey them. Some are one worded, and I find myself simply saying “Please” quite frequently. Recently, I have found myself showing up at the feet of Jesus with a new sense of urging… Truth be told, I’m desperate.

Desperation is typically frowned upon. It’s a sign of weakness and can be quite pitiful. However, though my spirit desperately calls upon my Savior in this time of need, I know that weakness is not a negative trait in this context. In fact, I know that God wishes for me to be desperate for Him– Putting all of my energy into seeking Him for He knows I can’t do this on my own. I am desperate for life. Desperate for time. Desperate for memories. Desperate for survival. Desperate to hear the words “no evidence of disease.” Desperate for answered prayer. I am desperate to receive yet another clear scan to stamp the one year mark.

The amount of doubt, fear, and uncertainty that can sneakily ease its way into my mind is unmatched. The battle of the mind is often much harder than the physical fight against cancer. I have to constantly and consistently cling to hope that someday I will live a cancer-free life. I must avoid the dark traps and triggers that can send me into pits of despair. I must, with every fiber in my being, believe that I am healed. Though I still experience aches and pains, I must respond rationally rather than place myself in a worst case scenario. I also must surrender my control to the One who holds my life in His hands.

Time moves by slowly and at the speed of light all at once. Some days I wish I was receiving my scan right this minute, and other moments I wish I could put off the inevitable for one more day. This is a scan I’ve never made it to, and the importance sears itself into my heart. I’ve gotten pretty good at avoiding the “what ifs,” but know that I very well could be in a position I’m all too familiar with. Overcoming my worry is accomplished solely by my reliance on God. I can not worry, for worrying only wastes precious time. For now, I desperately cling to my faith in a God who is capable of every impossible hurdle I face. I find encouragement in the fact that He hears my every cry. And I know that He in His love for me, wants nothing more than the achievement of this milestone.

Though this is the scan I’ve never made it to, I’m believing that I soon will.

Mark 11:24 (ESV)

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

6 Comments on The Scan I’ve Never Made It To

First,let me say that your words have been such an inspiration to me. I have carcinoid cancer with hepatic metastasis. Stage 4, inoperable. I also share your love and faith for our Savior Jesus Christ. Your words have so said my innermost feelings,fears and triumphs. I have often felt guilty for being fearful, as if my faith in Christ wasn’t strong enough. I now know that in my weakest moments I am where He works the most. He gives me strength. Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings. I am blessed with a very supportive family, but sometimes feel alone. Your words have been such a blessing. You are in my prayers.

Dear Stephanie: As you wait, pray, and plead I am holding you up in thoughts and prayers and pleas from a distance. Try to rest in faith, hope and belief as we wait with you. May God fulfill all your hopes and dreams in His wisdom and mercy.

So proud of you Steph — You are not a quitter and you must keep the BELIEF that you will overcome. Every thought is transferrable to your cells. The mind and body are sooo interconnected. I believe in you, and keep juicing/giving your body the nutrition (aka information) it needs to be as strong as it possibly can!! And let me tell you, you’re body is going to be SO happy when you have all those veggies in your backyard. I can’t wait — you are going to LOVE having a garden!!

and I hope next time I read the post, it would be “GUESS WHAT, CANCER? BYE FOR GOOD! WE’RE REALLY OVER”. at the moment i’m surrounded with people with terrible diseases. Cancer, Tumour, Coronary Heart Disease, and more, you name it. all people next to my heart, parent, friends,.. but FAITH has to always be there, and i pray that you dear, have FAITH as well, never lose HOPE *hugehug*