Sunday, March 27, 2011

The United States of America was found dead today inside her home. She was 235 years old at the time of her passing.

Investigators have not yet released a cause of death, but indicate that foul play is suspected. Historians performed an autopsy, but results have so far proven inconclusive. Their preliminary report stated that Barack Obama, Harry Reid, John Boehner and John Roberts, the four individuals last entrusted with her welfare, should receive the lion's share of historical suspicion for her death. Textbook writers are scrambling to print new editions including the nation's demise, and recording the four men's ignominy for future generations.

There apparently was some disagreement among the investigating historians, however, as a minority report also was released. The minority opinion placed blame for America's death more squarely on George W. Bush and Richard Cheney, the two caretakers in charge of her keeping prior to the current team of caregivers. The minority report noted that America's health began a rapid decline during the Bush/Cheney era, and pointed to the rapid depletion of Ms. US's bank accounts as evidence of fiduciary malfeasance and suspect behavior. The majority of investigators, however, dismissed the minority report as reckless and dangerous speculation, noting that both Bush and Cheney have retired from public life and have since moved to private islands they acquired during their tenure as caretakers. The prior caretakers, say the majority of historians, do bear some of the blame, but primary responsibility should be given to the current care giving team.

Meanwhile, independent investigators, working without the authorization of the American estate, continue to raise questions about all parties involved with the health maintenance of Ms. America. They point not only to the care giving teams, but also to the lax oversight provided by representatives of Ms. America's press. They cite questionable reporting and editorializing by many members of the press, referred to only as pundits. The independent investigators reserve especially harsh criticism for foreign owned press reportage, citing in particular one Rupert Murdoch. They note that collusion between the Murdoch press and the Bush/Cheney care giving team appeared especially suspicious, since it coincided with the initial diagnosis and rapid progress of Ms. America's health decline.

It should be remembered that Ms. US had been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Political scientists were never able to definitively pinpoint the type of cancer plaguing America. It was believed, however, that the cancer was caused by several contributing factors, including corporate and individual greed, an invasive militarism, the constipation of justice, and the corruption of religion and governance. Regardless of the cause, the cancer she suffered was quite aggressive, and was attributed with causing dementia and erratic behavior in the final few years of her life.

Ms. America is survived by over 300 million citizens. At her peak, Ms. US's estate was estimated to be the largest in the world. In her declining years, however, her estate had fallen into severe disrepair. The amount of income she was dedicating to her own maintenance soared as she grew older. In recent years she was devoting large sums of her estate to health care, banking, and energy supply industries that provided her with fewer and fewer sustaining benefits. The current value of her estate is unknown, but it is expected that her 300 million survivors will receive little or no inheritance. The independent investigating team has noted that the health care, banking and energy supply industry leaders, those receiving the bulk of the American estate in her final years, have since moved offshore and overseas, taking most of the American estate with them.

Funeral arrangements are pending as the official investigation continues. In lieu of flowers, representatives of the estate are asking for donations to help cover the expense of closing her estate. A very large donation has already been provided by gun manufacturing industry leaders, as their business has soared since the announcement of Ms. America's death.