Sunday Mirror TV critic Kevin O'Sullivan reckons Simon Cowell picked the wrong Minogue and that Kylie is the best thing on The Voice

As we know, the saintly BBC never lies (cough). But it clearly doesn’t mind a spot of economy with the truth.

As series three of The Swivel Chair Show kicked off with last night’s 90-minute epic (oh, for a few commercial breaks), the mission statement was still ringing in our ears...

“The auditions are about one thing and one thing only... the voice.”

And, cue the violins, here’s wannabe Sally Barker talking about one thing and one thing only: “I was 42 when my husband died. That’s quite a young age to be a widow... blah blah blah.”

Yes, forget the singing. And a lukewarm welcome back to our all-too-familiar sentimental friend The Sob Story... Invented by The X Factor, which at least doesn’t pretend to be a forum for musical purity. And embraced by The Voice... which does.

But full marks to Sally. She made Sir Tom Jones theatrically wipe a tear from his eye. Result.

And her tale of woe was so much better than 20-year-old Christina Marie’s. All she could manage was: “I’m doing this for my mum.” V. poor. See me.

Rising to the challenge, Christina’s weeping mother Sue upped the ante: “She’s always been there for me. But this is her time. And I want her to live her dreams.” Look out... cliché avalanche!

This parent-offspring thing has never struck me as particularly moving. But instant reject Danielle was overcome with emotion... because she has a child. Big deal. Quite why we had to endure about 10 minutes of Danielle’s daughter Anaya cuddling the judges remains a mystery. If in doubt... chuck a cute kid into the mix.

But as this repetitive marathon trundled on in that grim studio with those giant hands flicking the two-finger salute, there were reasons to be cheerful.

The only way was up. And even the new crop of contestants were an improvement on the charisma-bypass losers who turned the first two series into a pointless joke.

A couple of them genuinely sounded like they lived in the 21st century. Please... no more criminally old-fashioned caterwauling balladeers from another age.

But the big-spending Beeb’s £36million Saturday spectacular is still facing its toughest hurdle.

When the chairs stop spinning, the viewers traditionally stop watching. The producers will have to do something about that.

And this time they must, must, must discover a bona fide star. Make or break. Three strikes and you’re out. Game over.

And on that bombshell, I wish The Voice the very best of luck. God knows it’s gonna need it...

Channel 4

Tasteless: Ludo Lefebvre, Anthony Bourdain and Nigella Lawson

Plenty to be sniffed at here

According to Nigella Lawson’s PR flunkies, The Taste is “a return to what she normally does... food”. As opposed to what she sometimes does... drugs.

An unpalatable cross between The Voice and MasterChef, Channel 4’s new culinary dirge was an insipid disaster.

Nonentities knocking up spoonfuls of meat and fish for nodding dog Ms Lawson, self-styled gastronomic tough-guy Anthony Bourdain and an aggressive little Frenchman called Ludo, who really shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a TV studio.

“He is very, very French,” sighed Nigella shortly before begging him to stop sucking all the energy out of the room. No dice. Ludo was on a life-sapping roll.

We didn’t see any actual cooking and this hopelessly dreary programme made no attempt to drum up even a soupçon of interest in the contestants.

After attracting the kind of front-page publicity that money just can’t buy, cocaine Nigella is suddenly quite interesting.

But her latest show isn’t. It’s an embarrassing failure. Like her marriage...

Rex

Goodbye: Joe and Jorgie

The final nail in the Dancing on Ice coffin

Dancing On Ice seducer Sylvain Longchambon didn’t seem to find Phil Schofield’s jokes very funny. Nor did I... but probably not for the same reason.

But sexy Sylvain’s latest potential prey Jorgie Porter was highly amused. Until she was voted straight out and burst into floods of tears. As if it mattered.

This “tournament of champions” thing simply doesn’t work. All we want is to see is C-listers falling over.

Sadly, “popular” skating donkey Joe Pasquale didn’t. And lasted just one week. No one cared.

“It’s the final series!” Phil kept shrieking. Promise?

Channel 5

Oh brother; Lee Ryan and Casey Batchelor

Lee's a dolt from the Blue

Once in a Blue moon along comes the perfect housemate. Step forward world-class cretin Lee Ryan. What a guy.

To say this superannuated boybander has made a mess of his Celebrity Big Brother opportunity is the understatement of the century. We are witnessing a spectacular career catastrophe from which ludicrous lothario Lee may never recover.

Is Ryan Airhead really so dim that he thought none of the 53 cameras would catch his late-night dash to join Jasmine Nobody beneath the space sheet? You decide.

Sure, knickerless bimbo Casey Batchelor showed all the emotional maturity of a foetus when she broke down and wept after lusty Lee shamelessly led her on and then ditched her.

But (and I never thought I’d say this) Dappy’s right. Ms B’s non-romance lasted 72 hours. So she should have known better than to fall for Romeo Ryan like a lovestruck schoolgirl. She’s 29!

Mind you, she dated Peter Andre. So when it comes to monumental mistakes... she’s got form.

Just one minor complaint. I reckon those aliens were fake. No flies on me...

ITV

Z lister: Anna Williamson

It's the ratings that's really taking the plunge

Lots of diving on ITV’s truly tragic Saturday nightmare Splash! First the contestants. Then the ratings.

After the smallest-ever audience endured the start of series two, maybe it’s time for a celebrity version.

But much water has flowed under the bridge since last year’s soul-destroying opening salvo.

Respect to the girls who keep screaming about hunky Tom Daley. Pluckily pressing on despite recent revelations that their dream guy bats for the other team.

Likeable though he is, tiny Tom is drowning in the abyss of a pathetically pointless programme. Luckily, the expertise of the judges is deeply impressive. “I have very little knowledge of the technicalities of diving,” revealed the jarringly irrelevant Jo Brand. So why are you here? Not for your “jokes”, obviously.

Oh well... we can still savour the glamour of Luton’s Sports Village, where last night’s Z-list belly-floppers included global superstars Anna-onymous Williamson, Jonathan Ross’s brother and someone called Martin Offiah.

So Sherlock’s substandard storytellers insist their self-indulgent ball of confusion is “a celebration of a clever man”. Why is TV’s ace detective clever? Because he spews mediocre monologues at breakneck speed. Can it get any worse than last Sunday’s woeful wedding washout? Tune in tonight...

Our thanks to the world’s worst criminal Danny Long for his handy shoplifting hints on Channel 4’s uplifting ode to optimism Benefits Street. Shock horror... the unemployed welfare-reliant residents of Birmingham’s notorious John Turner Street say they were tricked into taking part by “lying” TV producers. Surely not! But do we care? Nah. It’s good telly...

Channel 4's Secrets of the Living Dolls. In his ludicrous latex girlie suit, fun-living Californian Robert, 70, was asked: "What do you see when you look in the mirror?" Robert replied: "A very exciting female." So it's not only his head that needs testing - it's his eyes.