Ted Bird is a Montreal-based broadcaster who has won multiple Crystal, RTNDA and CAB awards for excellence in writing and broadcasting. They're in a closet or a trunk somewhere, but he really won them.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

If Social Justice Warriors actually went to war

Every
generation is a product of its time, from the genuinely hard-done-by kids who
grew up in the 1930s Depression era and were rewarded for their hardscrabble existence by being shipped off to war
in the 1940s, to the pampered, entitled millennials of today. That said, I have
no doubt the youth of today would respond to similar challenges with the same
courage and determination of their forebears - and maybe just a dash of their
own 21st century hypersensitive campus culture.

MEMO

To: All ranks

From: Supreme Allied Command

Date: June 30, 1944 (D-Day plus 24)

It has come to our attention that since arriving in
enemy-occupied territory, some of you have experienced difficulty in making the
admittedly jarring transition from the relative comforts of your training bases
in the United Kingdom to the soul-shattering horrors of daily life in an active
war zone. While circumstances are such that a certain amount of trauma - up to
and including sudden, violent death - is inevitable, your superior officers
recognize that they are duty-bound to minimize the physical and psychological
hardships of constant exposure to deadly combat. To that end, the Allied Expeditionary Force has
undertaken several initiatives aimed at ensuring that all troops are exposed to
the absolute minimum of terror and carnage, to wit:

SAFE SPACES: also known as foxholes, these rudimentary shelters
are designed to provide a modicum of safety and relief from hostile fire on the
field of battle. Pinpoint artillery barrages and lethally accurate sniper fire
can be insensitive and hurtful, so dig deep and stay close to your safe space
at all times. Remember, the enemy does not have your best interests at heart
because of cultural differences that help make up the global mosaic that is so
vibrant and wonderful when nations and peoples are not trying to wipe each
other from the face of the earth.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: these verbal red flags are meant to advise
troops of the imminent risk of death or mutilation so that you can get to your safe space before being torn limb from limb. The standard trigger
warning for all units is "Incoming!", although "Get your fucking
head down!" and "Put out that fucking cigarette!" are also
commonplace, especially in units with battle-tested sergeant-majors who've
beaten the odds by staying alive for more than one week. If you don't hear a
trigger warning, it means you're already dead.

OFFICER PRIVILEGE: Officer privilege comes in many forms, from
superior meals and sleeping quarters to ordering lower ranks to almost
certain death from the relative safety of a fortified command post. Officer
privilege has existed for as long as there have been armies, and remains a
leading cause of resentment and other emotional distress in the enlisted ranks,
to which we - the officers - say "Too fucking bad."