Anger is not a symptom of ADHD.....

""There is not one single diagnostic statement that suggests that anger is one of the symptoms of ADHD. Not one. He needs to go back to his doctor immediately and work this out. Probably some therapy would help as part of that treatment.""

I agree.

We often see posts from people stating that their partners have ADHD and the people provide stories that include lots of anger.

Comments

I have long wondered about the amount of anger from adhd spouses presented here.( It was one thing my H does NOT exhibit.) I had read that from Melissa's blog also and found myself questioning the "why" of spouses accepting this as connected to adhd. Being screamed at and name called to the degree some posters have expressed makes me cringe..... I cannot identify with that.....I can look at myself and know........I wouldn't do well with that in ANY relationship......it would not take several repeats of a screaming name calling tirade for me......to live under a bridge if I had to. And add to that children are so often present.....what a very sad type of living. So many prayers needed for so many people for so many different reasons....

To be angry about something at times is normal, or at least it's reality for most people, in my experience....It's the loss of control, emotional extremes, and the directing it at others that makes anger intrusive and dangerous....Personally speaking I've never been an angry person....But, I know I've always had the capability to get angry about this or that....But since my tendency wasn't to be angry, I never gave it much thought (my bad)....Until it became a problem!

Why? Why did I become angry more often after getting remarried? The short version is that I was living life much of the time in a mind of Idealism....How did I get my anger under control?

Realism!

Realism produces acceptance of what is real in my life, and the life of others....Idealism, produced stress and anxiety because all of sudden I had to accept things that weren't ideal in my mind...

Controlling our own environment (our idea of how things should be) is possible to a degree if you live without input or interference from others....Marriage! LOL.....But until I shook off the idealism and adapted realism....I had no peace, and just felt like I was drowning in things I disliked w/ extreme prejudice....But, couldn't get away from, without walking away from my convictions of responsibility...

I wonder if its one of those secondary conditions from all the collateral damage being done when there is no management of the ADHD symptoms? I mean - most folks posting here are in some sort of crisis - perhaps its so common here because by the time people are here, they have been desperately trying to find answers to existing bad situations?

I know my husband has some SERIOUS anger issues - but he masks it and holds it in, so I dont get the same angry outbursts you see here. Of course, his anger is rooted in something else entirely, but it does still affect things. There is alot of transference going on right now - he had been in therapy for the CSA, and I think he hit a secondary stage of recovery. Feeling that rage, and anger - its supposed to be a sign that recovery was working. But unfortunately he stopped that intensive treatment right now. I totally get it though - his recovery will be full of fast momentum and long rest periods to adjust. I think many of the positive changes over the last few months are some fruit of that work, even if he cannot see it. He may not have connected the dots even. I dont know.

I hope that those who are in that deep stage of anger can find a way out. I also have alot of anger built up - but I am working on trying to find an outlet that is positive, and I DO know that while my husband has made me angry over the years (LOL who hasnt - god knows I am sure I have driven him up the wall and pissed him off legitimately as husbands and wives naturally do). I think my problems come from the CSA damage and how its hurt him and hurt me - so its a whole other level that I had no way to manage when it started. Working on it though - getting help here, and another forum because I know I NEED it.

I cant remember who said it - but there was a post about what to do when the non-adhd partner no longer loves the adhd partner, and one of the posters talked about how all you really can do is work on yourself, and lead by example. That really hit home for me. Its what I have been trying to do. My husband will have to figure out his own anger and fate.

Really something to think about though! I have yet to meet ANYONE in a relationship with ADHD involved that hasnt had to deal with a deeper level of anger/fear/resentment. Heck - even a couple who recently got married have had to deal with the same issues me and my husband have been dealing with. I know there has been alot of anger on both parts - but they are in a better place because they take the attitude that their partner matters more than the anger. They are young - but VERY smart.

I disagree completely that ADD/ADHD does not have an anger component. The whole challenge with ADD/ADHD is linked to time management and executive function. If one cannot manage their time and also cannot manage the order in which things can be accomplished, AND they cannot access the mechanism that permits all those things non-ADD just take for granted...... WELL, it would be no surprise the person with ADD/ADHD is going to have a high incompletion percentage, a higher task failure percentage, a great deal of frustration and subsequently a whole lot of being pissed off!

Just as those who are non-ADD can't stand another day of lists and lists of incomplete tasks, the person with ADD cannot stand another day of being informed they haven't/can't/won/t get one darn thing done. This is completely un-nerving to BOTH and is a set up for pointed conversation, the mutual exchange of barbs, hurtful comments, threats, frustration and plain ole verbal misery.

I don't care what anyone say, there is PLENTY of anger coming from someone with ADD and most of it is performance failure related.

How is that anger controlled? Well, we are trying something very new for us. A pact/promise/written in stone pledge to one another: arguing and anger is NOT an optional behavior.

I know this sounds overly simplistic, but keeping it simple, actually keeps it real. So we stopped arguing and all conversation that isn't warm/pleasant/inviting/safe is immediately shut down with the word: stop.

If "stop" isn't enough, one or both of us remove ourselves from the room.

The idea is NOT to project self anger on the other....nor is it to invoke "stop" as a conversational control mechanism.

STOP is meant to cease all negative talk, go away from one another and THINK about why the hell there is so much anger in YOURSELF. When both people come back to each other to re-open the conversation, each gets to speak CALMLY and here's the hard part.... you get to state only how the situation makes YOU feel. You do NOT get to blame the other person for how you feel.

(i.e. I feel very frustrated because painting the living room is very important to me).... followed by: (i.e. I would feel so much better if it were painted.)

The receiver of the above gets to think about what was just said, acknowledges their understanding of all the words that were said and goes to THINK about their response before it is offered.

Then they come back with perhaps the following:

(i.e. I heard you very clearly tell me of your frustration, I have had the paint for the room for 3 weeks, so that is probably what you mean.) hopefully followed by an action plan (i.e. I can take the whole day Saturday to paint the living room and Sunday we can go out to dinner.)

There is optional behavior that one should be prepared to receive.

(i.e. I'm sorry you are frustrated but I'll get to the painting when I can) ...this is usually when the argument and anger "could" start again with words like, "You always say you'll do it when you can, but you never do what you say and I'm tired of waiting for you blah blah blah,.... followed by a further response that might sound like, "Yeah yeah yeah, all you do is nag nag nag, I never to anything right, I never get anything done according to you and you are nothing but a &^*$^#&*$^(. Sound Familiar?

Ok...so this last possible response is what we call the gasoline and match response. We have "negotiated" VERY quietly a protocol that says, "If either of us bring a PERSONAL FEELING to the table that doesn't trash the other, we must work VERY VERY hard to meet the need of the other person by making a PLAN to achieve the task.....by tacking that PLAN to the wall and being ACCOUNTABLE for the execution of the plan.

We're working very hard on this.....as always, your mileage may very.

BUT... to reiterate..... anyone who tells you anger is not part of ADD/ADHD has never lived with someone who struggles daily to stay on task, not be distracted and almost always can't get most things done in a reasonable amount of time. This constant battle with the self is a breeding ground for self-loathing, anger, frustration and being plain ole badass.

(BUT... to reiterate..... anyone who tells you anger is not part of ADD/ADHD has never lived with someone who struggles daily to stay on task, not be distracted and almost always can't get most things done in a reasonable amount of time. This constant battle with the self is a breeding ground for self-loathing, anger, frustration and being plain ole badass.)

I agree with much of what you say about the habits of many adhd minds and how their behaviors can produce anxiety and stress in them...Things that keep them on edge or at times even make them a ticking time bomb so to speak....But most of your examples is about engaging that person who isn't fit to be engaged....Peace will be lost most every time.....

When a person can see this happening, and has lived with the results (Anger) and still piles in there verbally...LOL....Who has really got the problem??

We can throw out the argument....Marriage is suppose to be about sharing and communicating....Yes? At what cost do we force that?

Reminds me of the old country music song....You got know when to hold them, You got to know when to fold them, and You got to know when to walk away....