Category Archives: Excerpt from Manuscript – SNOW

Sitting on the park bench, feeling the wind blowing through my hair, I am stuck somewhere in my mind, between my surroundings and another time. It now seems like a lifetime ago, and it even tricks me into believing it had never been my life at all.

There are days when my life seems as if it isn’t real, but as if I am a character, in a movie and I am watching it over and over again. I don’t want to continue this madness, but what choice do I have, but to proceed with the events that are impossible to delay.

The memories will always come, I can’t deny them, for they were my life at one time. I have lived them and they aren’t going away, no matter how much I wish them to, they are a part of me and I must find a way to embrace them.

Like this:

Autumn, a time when the leaves change from green to yellow to orange and then red. The days are warm in the mornings, as the nights escaped into the most certain chill.

This time of year had always been January’s favorite. Moving to San Francisco had been his idea, but now that she had warmed up to it, she too loved the quaint city with all its undying charm.

Standing out on their balcony, with her faux-fur coat wrapped around her body, fighting to keep her warm, but desperately failing, she watched the city lights flicker in the distance. Jack seemed to be spending more and more time away from their home and from her.

She perniciously had too much time on her hands to think. She didn’t like when her mind drifted over to the darker side, but it had been hard not to lately.

She missed him so much that her heart ached. She knew in her heart that she was losing him, but she couldn’t compete with this. She had to let him go, but she didn’t know if she had the courage to do so.

She had always hated that stupid saying, “If you love someone set them free and if they are yours to keep, they will come back to you.”

The sun was beginning to set behind the grayish-blue, Sierra Mountains. The murmurs of the afternoon voices continued to echo in her ears.

It had been an eventful afternoon, but January was exhausted. She had waited twelve years for this day and now it had finally come and gone, as if in a blink.

“Congratulations Young Lady.” Her grandpa extended out his shaky hand, suffering from chronic arthritis for most of his adult life, but obviously proud of his only grandchild.

“Thank you, Grandpa. I’m so happy you and Grandma were able to make it.”

“We wouldn’t have missed your graduation from high school…not in a million years.”

January smiled, politely dismissing herself.

She was distracted. She hadn’t seen Jack since the ceremony ended, almost thirty minutes earlier.

As she wondered out to the parking lot, she heard a car’s brakes screeching. She held her breath, waiting in anticipation for the final part, the sound of metal as it crashed into another car, or the thud the car made as it hit something or someone. She waited with batted breath, but nothing.

She relaxed, letting her breath out. Suddenly out of nowhere she heard footsteps coming up behind her.

Startled, she turned around, ready to scream out…”Jack! what they hell! You scared me to death. Where have you been…”

She didn’t finish her sentence, as he pulled her roughly into him, passionately kissing her with all the desire and wanting he had building up inside of him.

“I love you baby…that’s all I wanted to tell you.” Quickly extending his arm forward, revealing the most gorgeous dozen red roses she had ever seen.

“Oh, Jack! They’re beautiful and so are you. I love you too…more than words!”

“You can prove it to me tonight. Now go home and get pretty for me. I’ll see you tonight at eight.”

January watched with a smile upon her lips, as he ran down the street, jumping back into his white 1967 Camaro, that he had left idling in the middle of the street, and took off in a hurry down Main Street.

The wooden bench had turned out to be a bad idea, as the beginning of the first frost escalated the startling cold that was quickly creeping up and under her skin.

January didn’t seem to notice much, as she was lost in thought. She was annoyed with herself…more like in disbelief…how could she not have seen the signs.

She had loved this man for more than half her life, but somehow she had missed it.

Earlier that day she had spoken, on the phone, with an old friend…a friend who had brought it to her attention that Jack had been using throughout their life together. She knew that he smoked weed, but cocaine? Or as her friend had kindly put it, whatever drug was available that day.

She had always blamed the weed for his mood swings, his fits of anger, and his sudden outburst of violence. She herself had become co-dependent, wanting him to smoke so that he would be numb enough to be kind to her.

She had fallen into the vicious cycle of the poor pathetic wife who deserved what she had accepted. She despised women like this, but yet she had become the spitting image of just that.

The first snow of the year. The air was crisp with the hint of winter, causing her breath to catch in her throat, but yet so pure, allowing her thoughts to drift into promises she had told yourself, but had not kept.

January wrapped her leather coat tightly around her. Although she was cold, she had the softest warmth radiating around her. She was at peace. She knew she had done the right thing.

She knew she had hurt Jack…Christ, it had hurt her too, but she knew he deserved to know the truth. The truth was freeing because it allowed her the freedom to be honest with not only herself, but with him.

However, she was still haunted by his eyes, the disturbing contour of his face as she had told him.

Her only concern was where to go from here.

He had always been strong, but she was worried for him because she knew that he would have a hard time. After all, he was an addict and addicts weren’t good with dealing with change.

She knew they would have to change everything about their life. She would be in and out of hospitals for the next couple of months. This would put a definite toll on their marriage.

But she was confident in the strength of their relationship, after all, they had over come his addiction…

Jumping, January turned, startled by the sound of the opening of the front door.

“Jack…”

“Sweetheart…I am so sorry I left you…I’m home now and I will never leave you again.” Jack pulled her into his chest, tightly holding her, gently smoothing back her hair from her face as his tears fell.

Autumn, a time when the leaves changed from green to yellow to orange and then red. The days were warm in the mornings, as the nights escaped into the most certain chill.

This time of year had always been January’s favorite. Moving to San Francisco had been his idea, but now that she had warmed up to it, she too loved the quaint city with all its undying charm.

Standing out on their balcony, with her faux-fur coat wrapped around her body, fighting to keep her warm, but desperately failing, she watched the city lights flicker in the distance. Jack seemed to be spending more and more time away from their home and from her.

She perniciously had too much time on her hands to think. She didn’t like when her mind drifted over to the darker side, but it had been hard not to lately.

She missed him so much that her heart ached. She knew in her heart that she was losing him, but she couldn’t compete with this. She had to let him go, but she didn’t know if she had the courage to do so.

She had always hated that stupid saying, “If you love someone set them free and if they are yours to keep, they will come back to you.”

She lay there, in her expensive Donna Karen suit, carefully watching him, as his chest slowly went up and down with each reserved breath.

January knew she should change her clothes and grab a bite to eat, but she was afraid. She was afraid to leave his side.

In the past, she had taken life as it came. In other words, she hadn’t taken it seriously. Not until today.

Jack stirred, moving only slightly in his bed. Startled, January hastily pushed the lock of hair away from her eyes…digging in her purse for a bobby pin, quickly shoving it in her mouth, and nervously pushing her hair behind her ear.

Starring intently, only inches from his face, she waited, waited for him to wake.

“Jack Honey…can you hear me? Jack?”

The room fell silent once again…nothing could be heard, except for the breathing machine, as it went beep, beep, beep…driving January mad.

She wasn’t a religious person, although she had been around plenty of people claiming they were, but she needed to get her voice out…she needed God to listen to her prayer.

“Dear God, please bring Jack back to me…I promise to love him more and help him to get clean and stay clean.”

They both lay in bed, exhausted, but satisfied by their late night excursion.
January cuddled up closer into Jack’s arms, nestling her head in between the nape of his neck, just under his ear, as her slender fingers gently glided over the dark hair that now appeared on his chest.

At first, she had thought she would hate the thought of her man having a hairy chest, Jack had always been a clean-shaving guy, but over the past few years, he had let it go. January loved it.

“I love you, Jack…you know that, right?”

“Of course, Sweetheart. And I love you too, with all my heart.” He said, bringing her lips up towards his, kissing them tenderly this time. “Why do you ask?”

“I just get worried sometimes…that’s all.”

“Worried about if I love you?”

“No, worried that it won’t last. It’s all too perfect and when everything is perfect there is always something that comes along and ruins it. It seems like I am never completely happy and when I am, it is taken away from me.” January sadly said, stretching out her long legs from under the sheets.

“Baby, I love you now and forever. That’s all that really matters for right now. We have the present…that’s all we can be certain, we can’t foresee the future, Sweetheart.”

His sacred words echoed through her ears, reaching all the way up to the highest rafters in the blessed church. Rows of fragrant Calla Lilies lined the pews, sweet, succulent pink roses filled the air with just a hint of Baby’s Breath to add color to the arrangement; January was filled with peace.

“You may kiss the bride.”

Jack had a look of endearment upon his face, as he looked down and into his wife’s sparkling blue eyes.

He couldn’t believe that she was actually his. He loved this woman with all his heart. He had almost lost her once, but now redemption was on his side.

January batted her long, black lashes for less than a second, before closing them, as the anticipation grew, waiting for his kiss.

The last few days had been anything but perfect, maybe perfect was too strong of an adjective, the last few days had been more than exhausting.

January closed her eyes for a moment, reflecting back on their conversation. It hadn’t gone well, with Jack storming out of their high-rise apartment.

This had been more than two days ago and she still had not heard from him. She knew he would be mad, but he was more than mad, he had been furious.

She remembered when they had first visited the city of San Francisco, now their home. She and Jack had just gotten married. He had applied to the city as an Engineer, just on a whim, not really expecting to get the job, but he had.

She couldn’t have asked for a better life, now that Jack was clean. But now it seemed their perfect, picturesque life had shattered into a million different pieces.

Tears slowly spilled down her face, as she quietly opened her eyes. It was a dreary, over-cast day, but when wasn’t it over-cast in the city.

Looking across the bay, she watched as the tour boat took the nostalgic guests across the ocean and over to the Rock…Alcatrass, making her ponder…had she made the right decision telling Jack. Only time would tell.