Trying to catch just one good egg

Monday, 22 August 2011

So last week I got in a bit of a panic. Our schedule, you see, is a bit crazy over the next few weeks. It goes a little something like this:

We've had visitors almost non-stop since the middle of July. This was our only visitor-free weekend until we leave for baby boy's birth.

Ms FoodNetwork arrives for a long visit during which we'll do some touristy stuff (why is is EVERY visitor wants to go to The Rock?), attend a montly adoption meeting, have TallGirl's second birthday party ("MUNO party, mama!"), do some more touristy stuff and find some nice quiet times in between to hang out.

The biggest conference of the year for my work starts before Ms FoodNetwork leaves. I have an "invite-only" 12 hour special session that only a few folks were asked to attend and it's super important that I'm one of those folks.

Two days after Ms FoodNetwork leaves we're supposed to head north to the Emerald City for a concert and visits with Bebe and her family as well as Initial Girl and Sandal Boy. Then fly pack, pack up and drive 9 hours north to Sydney and meet her family. And hope that baby boy doesn't want to come early.

The trip to Emerald City was planned back in April. You see one of our very favorite bands in the whole world is playing at a winery there and Bebe invited us. This past year has been beyond difficult for her and we're so excited to celebrate how much she kicked cancer's ass. So we started talking and planning back in April. And airline tickets were cheap so I bought some.

As I said, I started freaking out a few days ago about how this might all go down. What if Sydney went into labor when we were in the Emerald City? Should we pack baby boy's stuff and take it with us? Maybe just a carseat? Should we just ditch the tickets and drive?

Long story still fairly long: there are no airline tickets. Apparently I didn't click the very last thing I needed to click. We all thought there were tickets. But the mister, Bebe, Initial Girl and even AmEx couldn't find a record of any tickets.

So now we drive. It'll be so much easier on my psyche but likely harder on my ass. We've never done long car trips with TallGirl but we'll make up for all of that in one long trip.

So maybe I never bought the tickets. Or maybe the universe made them disappear to make this all easier for me. Either way, I'll take it.

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Everything else is going along great. Sydney and I are messaging and texting a lot. She's getting tired more easily. Her sisters and mama will be visitng her over baby boy's due date and she wants us all to meet. We're so glad she's got so much support and are looking forward to getting to know the rest of her clan.

I need to go back and reread what I wrote about 2 years ago so I can more articulately speak to the differences. The mister and I have had tiny windows in the last week and a half to process some of this. So far, knock on wood, there has been no drama. Much more about this soon but that's a huge difference.

luna: I still can't believe our dates are so very similar! It's just seriously crazy and wonderful and so many things all at once that we're both planning for new babies at the same time. Seriously!

Michell:I still believe that open adoption can be a beautiful way to build your family. This time around, it's also been straightforward and drama-free which has been the case for many of my friends from the get-go. I do get that the ambiguity can be paralyzing especially when you start the process but once you let go and just accept you have no control, it gets so much easier. And when you get to a point where you're really thinking about what a baby needs, and not only what you do, it just gets clearer and clearer.

PBfish: So freakin' soon!

Summer: I think my next post will be about some of the differences in our experiences. Thanks for the suggestion.

mamadelicious: There are some mighty fine boy socks from Trumpette. If only you'd saved E's socks. I do have some adorable girl ones if little e would like them. Special edition glitter! Mary janes. Oooh and lots of Tea. I still haven't grown up and justify the costs by saying "I don't want him to feel left out because he had poor footwear choices." Can't wait to get all our kids together sometime soon!

Lut C: We don't do camoflauge at our house even if it's purple (and I looooove purple). I'm also not big into sporty clothes either so I think I will need to educate the grandparents. My mom couldn't understand why I didn't like a big pink bear in a tutu with ballet shoes on a onesie for a 3 month old. I'm pretty sure she won't understand why I don't want all trucks and football stuff for a boy. Thanks for listening.

PiquantMolly: It's all part of my nefarious plan: don't say a word for ever then drop a bomb.Thanks!!! Surely you have some boy names you'd offer up at a discount?

KS: Thanks!! Not sure I have your email. Send it to me and I'll FB you.

Next up: Differences the second time around and/or the name thing. BTW we're reallllly struggling with names so feel free to suggest faves. I think boy names are hard!

Tuesday, 09 August 2011

So about those 6 weeks. Apparently I was confused. Baby Boy is actually scheduled to arrive a bit earlier than we'd thought. I'm doing my best ostrich impersonation because Holey Toledo! but the new/actual dates are now September 6th or 13th (one is a date from an ultrasound/the other based on last menstrual date).

But first babies always come late. Right? RIGHT?? When I look at today's date and think "September 6th", I really can't breathe.

Things seem to be chugging along. We're flying through our homestudy update. Sydney and I are chatting online most nights and talking every few days. She's hoping to work as long as possible but we'll see how that goes.

I thought I'd address some of the questions from your comments, if that's cool.

Boys Clothes Cuter than Girls Clothes? from Lut

No how, no way, not at all what I meant to say. I only meant that compared to 9 years ago when I started looking at baby clothes in general, or 6+ years ago when one of my favorite red-headed boys was born, boys clothes have gotten cuter. Not cuter than girls but there seem to be better/cuter options now than existed even 3 years ago. I'm not a fan of pink (although Tall Girl clearly is already) and have bought a lot of gender neutral/boy clothes for her (hello, yellow and red robot pjs) so we'll have a few things.

Will I become a parent blogger? from Sue

I honestly don't see myself as a parent blogger because I think so many others do it so much better. I thought I'd write more about adoption and parenting after infertility but I just read other blogs (like luna's and lori's and so forth) and find myself nodding and saying "what she said". I also struggle with what is my story versus my child(ren)'s and her/their firstmamas. We'll see though. I've really missed the process of blogging and thinking about some of these issues. And I've definitely missed the community.

What kind of claiming did we do this time around? from Anna

This has been one of the more challenging aspects in general for me. I struggle with finding a balance of supporting an NPL and her decision to place/make an adoption plan and not overstepping/acting entitled/etc. I'm so worried about making sure an NPL knows her rights, knows we want to give her the space to reconsider/remake her decison, etc that I don't show more excitement or do more "claiming".

This is something that drives the mister a bit crazy and he has a point. And the amazing therapist we met with last week was able to get to the heart of the issue fairly quickly.

I don't know that this is in response to anything that happened with our previous adoption. That was on the fast train as well but we didn't have a chance to spend time together and talk through some of these issues. We also didn't have the advantage of attending a support group AND a therapy session.

LovelyTherapist knows our consultant well and often does these sort of sessions with families. She also works a lot with other PAPs through various local agencies. She said with other agency/lawyer folks she often has to get PAPs to back off a bit. They are often too entitled and demanding. But we were too far in the other extreme (and by we, she meant me).

I know that likely some of my own feelings about doing more claiming are a protective mechanism. What if she changes her mind? What if the birthdad stalls the process? What if we all get hurt? What if we all get super excited and it just doesn't work out? What if we manipulate her in some slight way and cause her even more pain than she will feel? She will feel pain. She may feel regret. We know that she (and her parents) will experience a lot of grief because of her decision. But it is HER decision.

The hardest day of my journey to parenthood wasn't a failed cycle or knowing we'd never be genetic parents or even emergency surgery that left the mister in a room by himself wondering if I'd live or die (though those 2 days might be hardest on him). It was watching my daughter's birthmom walk through security at an airport and fly home alone. I still cry everything I think about it.

One of the most important things to me in an open adoption is that the expectant mom-mom-birthmom gets fully supported and has the space to remake her decision. That part is actually easy for me.

But to find a way to really express just how thrilled we are at becoming parents again and how honored we are to be chosen and share our excitement??? THAT's hard. That's the balance that LovelyTherapist helped me find.

Sydney needs to hear that from us, just as much as she needs to hear her parents love, support and don't judge her and would support her parenting this baby. She needs to have at least 2 people who are thrilled about this baby and can not wait to become his parents. She needs to have people who marvel at the ultrasound picture she texted us and want to talk names and all kinds of fun things.

And there's a lot of fun things to think about and talk about over the next few weeks.

What other questions do y'all have? I'm happy to talk about whatever interests you. We're heading into naming territory so there will likely be some posts there. I'm also starting to think about how best to prepare Tall Girl. And we have the whole "do we circ or not" topic.

Thanks so much for still reading and caring. I'm humbled and grateful.

Wednesday, 03 August 2011

I'm completely exhausted, spent from the long weekend. We dropped Sydney and her dad off at the airport earlier today.

It was a whirlwind weekend, full of getting to know yous, adoption-related activities and typical tourist things. The days were long but they flew by.

Saturday was consumed by a long meeting at our adoption consultant's house. Sydney and her dad got to hear (and see) open adoption in action. There was the ususal smattering of adoptive parents, preadoptive parents, another expectant mom and a birthmom.

Our activities on Sunday were split down gender lines: baseball for the menfolk, shopping for the womenfolk. Maternity shopping at that.

I don't want to digress too much but can I just say how weird it is to shop for maternity clothes? This is something I know nothing about (neither did Sydney) and it was beyond surreal. But we persevered and found Sydney a few things that should tide her over.

Monday was back to our consultant's house. She met with Sydney and her dad for about 2 hours. Then we all met together for a bit. One of the things that I love most about our consultant is that she really spends time with expectant moms and their families and educates them about their rights, supports them, gives them great resources and forges connections with other women/families who've been there.

After all the touchy-feely stuff we headed into The City for a fun-filled afternoon full of bridges, harbour sealions, tacky shops and, yes, cable cars.

Today started early early EARLY with a counseling session for all. This wasn't something we'd done with other NPLS because we never "matched" with one before but it was incredibly helpful.

We're lucky to have an local who specialies in working with all members of the constellation. The therapist first met with Sydney alone, then Sydney's dad. Then the two of them together. Then the mister and me alone. Then all of us. Lots of pieces to this adoption puzzle.

In a couple of short hours she was able to help all of us identify some of our needs with our current situation and express them. The effects were powerful!

Sydney stated very clearly that, at this time, she's very committed to an adoption plan for this child and she wants the mister and I to parent her child. Her dad was able to verbalize that her family loved and supported her and would support her decision to place and understand her reasons for wanting to place. It was really important to Sydney that those words were said out loud.

The mister and I also did a bit more "claiming" than was comfortable to me (but again, important for Sydney to hear) and assure her we were thrilled she wanted us to parent this child and committed ourselves to her, and would support her if anything were to change.

And then she shared the gender with us. She'd actually shared it with many other people over the weekend but thought we wanted to keep it a surprise. We told her of course we'd love to know.

It's a boy!!!

I have no idea how to parent a boy but am relieved the clothes are at least a lot cuter. We don't have good "boy names" but are working on our list to present to Sydney. We told our families tonight. It seems as though there's a very good chance we'll add a boy to our family in about six weeks.