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I know I’m not Oprah, but for the time being, I’m going to pretend I am. I have an ambiguously gay BFF just like Gail and I’ve been together with my Stedman since practically birth so it’s almost like Oprah and I are sisters.

Welcome to the sneak peek of Tara’s Favorite Things!! Just in time for the holidays, I’m going to give you a preview of all of my favorite things that I’ve come across this year that I can’t live without.

Are you sitting down? Are you ready for this? Each week, I’m going to raffle off one of my favorite things for one lucky winner. The winner won’t know what it is until they get it, so it will be like getting an early Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Christmukkah/Arbor Day gift!

WHAAAAAAT?!

You get a gift! And YOU get a gift! Everyone gets a gift!

Well, not everyone, because I don’t have Oprah’s money, but there will be gifts!

I’ll pause for a moment for shrieking, clapping and all around craziness.

Get your calendars ready because this Friday, November 1stI will be posting the first round of Tara’s Favorite things!

Each Friday for the next 7 weeks, I will be showing you a few of my favorite things at a time. ONE of those things will be raffled off. But like I said, you won’t know which one of those things is being given away! The following Friday, I will announce the winner, and post the new list of favorite things and a new rafflecopter.

(Due to some of the shipping restraints on a few of the items, unfortunately, this is only going to be open for US residents.)

Did you hear that? Weekly gifts! I think I might be more excited about this than all of you! I have a lot of favorite things. Like, a lot. And they are awesome!

So, where were we? Oh yes, I was trying not to puke and bouncing up and down like a puppy on crack after meeting Jared Leto. Fast forward to the concert. There was only 5 of us who had tickets to watch the show from the side of the stage. One of them was this chick:

Right there with you, honey.

The assistant for the band came and got us about 15 minutes before the show started. We go through the curtains and we have to stand at the bottom of the stage steps for a few minutes.

This is me at that point:

Yeah, I’m a little bit giddy to be standing next to the stage.

Next, we go up the steps, the same ones the band will use to get on stage in just a few minutes. I start freaking out all over again, bouncing up and down, squealing and grabbing onto my husband’s arm saying “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!”

Then I turn and look at our view. Seriously, is there anything better than this???

The answer: No! No there fucking isn’t!!!! I mean seriously, this is where we’re going to watch the entire show? How is this happening right now?!

The lights go down and the entire place starts screaming. Tomo, Shannon and a few others get on stage and the music immediately starts. And then we hear it: Jared’s voice. But where the fuck is he?? We are looking everywhere for him. After a few seconds, I feel hubs leaning against my arm and bouncing to the music. I’m about ready to tell him to back the fuck off because I’m busy looking for Jared and I can’t be distracted right now. I turn and WHAT THE FUCKERY OF FUCKS? That isn’t my husband next to me, sliding against my arm.

Oh no.

That would be Jared.

Standing right next to me.

Singing.

Hood up, sunglasses on, head down. He looks up and right at me.

RIGHT THE FUCK AT ME.

I mean seriously. Are you grasping the magnitude of this situation??? This was me:

And probably a little of this:

I screamed so loud I’m pretty sure the entire venue heard it over the microphone. And then I see through the flashes of strobe lights that Jared has his MOTHER FUCKING ARM AROUND MY HUSBAND’S SHOULDER AND THEY ARE BOBBING UP AND DOWN TOGETHER WHILE HE’S SINGING.

WHAT. THE. FUCK is happening right now????

Luckily, I had my camera at the ready and got a few seconds of this moment.

See that hooded figure bobbing? Yep, that’s him.

Next to me.

I’m sorry, I need a moment. I seriously can’t even comprehend that this happened.

I’m okay. I swear I’m not going to puke.

So, it only takes a few seconds for all 5 of us to realize that he’s standing right there by us and then we’re all jumping up and down like a bunch of fools. We tried yelling to the crowd “HEY MOTHER FUCKERS! LOOK HOW COOL WE ARE?!” but no one heard us. He walks in between us and heads out on stage.

You know, just a few feet in front of us.

There wasn’t one part of this concert that wasn’t amazing. Well, except for crazy chick (you can see her flopping around in the above video). I’m not gonna lie, when hubs and I were waiting with the other people, we kept saying to each other “Please don’t let crazy chick be one of the 5, please don’t let crazy chick be one of the five.”

She was…exuberant, to put it nicely. I’ve never seen anyone flail about and get so fucking sweaty ever. Her sweatiness kept rubbing up against us on the side of the stage. And she smelled like patchouli. So by the end of the night, we both smelled like sweaty patchouli.

Look at how awesome it looks standing right behind the stage lights?!

You can’t really tell in the picture, but we were INCHES from those lights. Freaky patchouli chick kept running her fingers and her face through the lights. We kind of hoped they’d haul her ass off the stage, but that never happened.

At one point, a bunch of huge balls (insert ball joke here) fell from the ceiling and it was just awesome.

All through the concert, Jared (we’re totally BFF’s now) would walk around the stage and he would swing by us and make faces at us. AMAZING.

And this part. I just…I can’t. I probably shouldn’t have worn any underwear because at this point, they were incinerated.

I mean seriously??? He had a cold and he still sounded fucking awesome.

But wait, there’s more.

More you say?

MORE!

Does it get any cuter than a hot rock singer being sweet to a kid? DOES IT? Because if it does, I refuse to believe it. REFUSE.

He pulled this little guy up on stage and I. WAS. DEAD. He had him introduce the next song and let him stay on stage and dance with him for it.

Best. Concert. Ever.

And here’s some Q&A for you. Things people asked me over the weekend about the concert:

Did he smell good?

A: I don’t remember.

Did he say your name?

A: I don’t remember.

Was his voice all soft and sweet or deep and manly?

A: I don’t remember.

Did you show him your tattoo?

A: FUCK! I forgot to show him my tattoo.

Obviously the entire thing was a blur. I want a redo dammit! A redo where I can be drunk and not give a fuck if I sound like a moron.

At least I have some cool shit they gave us. And he touched this stuff. All of it. TOUCHED IT.

And here is where I shamelessly ask you to do something. But it will benefit both of us, so there’s that. This Saturday, Thirty Seconds to Mars is playing at the Hollywood Bowl. They are going to do a LIVE broadcast of this concert on VyRT if they sell 7,500 tickets. Right now, they are at 4,072. Seriously, this NEEDS TO HAPPEN. I NEED IT TO HAPPEN. Tickets are cheap and you can watch the concert live or download it to watch later.

And, if you get your ticket, you can live chat with ME during the concert! I’m going to set up a chatroom on VyRT (once I figure it out) and we can all Oooooh and Ahhhh together!

Okay, not really, but kind of. Did you ever see those old videos of people meeting Michael Jackson? They wail and cry and scream and freak out like they’re meeting Jesus:

I sort of felt like this as I stood in line, waiting to go inside the building where I was going to TALK TO JARED LETO. I felt like I was going to puke. I told my husband this several times. He just looked at me like “Are you serious?”

Shut the fuck up. I’m totally serious.

So, they walk us into this holding area and we wait. My hands are shaking, I’m sweating and I know for a fact the deodorant I put on before I left that says 24 hour protection is a lying sack of shit. The butterflies in my stomach are HORRIBLE.

The assistant for the band then comes in and starts talking to us about the “rules” for when the guys come in. Like, they won’t sign body parts so don’t even ask them. Everyone in the room was all “Awwwwwwww!” but I was okay with this. I couldn’t even remember my name so there was no way I’d be able to ask him to sign my vagina. Then she asks if anyone has any gifts for the guys. They collect the gifts ahead of time now. I guess there was an incident where someone walked up to their table at a meet and greet and gave them an ear. A real ear. Someone’s real, bloody, cut off ear. Obviously collecting the gifts beforehand is a wise decision. No one wants to get a bloody ear thrown down on the table in front of them. Although there are plenty of fun things you could do with it like hold it up to your own ear and say “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU.”

This posed a problem for me though because I wasn’t planning on giving him an ear, just my book, named after one of their songs. I really wanted to hand him the book and tell him it was for him. But I couldn’t. So I sadly handed it off to the assistant.

So, the moment finally comes and he walks into the room. HE WALKS INTO THE ROOM.

I need a moment of silence…

Okay, so he’s standing there in front of all 20 of us just talking to us like we’re old friends. Telling us stories and laughing and asking us questions. He asked something, I can’t remember what and I raised my hand and answered him. Alone. I TALKED STRAIGHT TO HIM. Seriously, I have no idea what the question was or what I even said. I just kept muttering to myself “I just talked to him; he looked at me. I just talked to him; he looked at me.”

We weren’t allowed to take any photos during the meet and greet. But if you know me, I don’t give a fuck. I quickly snapped this one while we waited:

Obviously it’s not the best quality. I was trying to be a ninja with my camera and did you miss the part where I said my hands were fucking SHAKING??? Hubs yelled at me and told me to put the camera away, looking around the room in fear that someone was going to grab us and put us in concert jail or something.

So, Jared (I can call him Jared now since we’re totally friends) sits down at the table with his guitarist Tomo and they get out their Sharpies. We file up to the table. Now, another “rule” we were told was that they would only sign the posters we were given ahead of time or CD covers, but if you ask nicely, they’ll probably sign other things. THANK FUCKING GOD because I not only brought a copy of A Beautiful Lie to give to Jared, I brought 2 more copies for him to sign. One for me and one for my cover artist.

I’m not kidding you, while I was standing in line, I looked like a 4 year old who has to pee. I was bouncing up and down and shifting back and forth from one leg to another. Finally, the moment arrives and I’m standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. I had a huge speech prepared. I was going to hand him the books and tell him how much he’s inspired me. I was going to tell him that I only wrote this book because of his music and that his words speak to my soul. I was going to tell him that I’m a best selling author and that I hope I’ve been able to introduce a bunch of new people to his music by writing this book.

Instead, I dropped the 2 books down in front of him and said “I wrote these. Could you sign them?”

That’s it. That is all my brain could handle. Luckily, hubs was right next to me and piped up “She left a copy of the book for you with your assistant.”

Jared (we’re still friends even though I turned retarded in front of him) smiles and tells me “Wow, this is so awesome. Thank you so much. Keep writing. Keep kicking ass.”

You’re probably assuming at this moment I would finally wake up and at least thank him or show him my tattoo. I tattooed his words on my ribs for Christ’s sake.

No, I didn’t wake up. I smiled like a fool, grabbed my books and scurried away. Hands still shaking and now I feel like I’m going to puke. I said NOTHING. But, I pulled out my camera again and made hubs snap a few pictures before I vomited all over the books he just signed.

You can kind of tell by the squirrelly look in my eyes that I’m a little freaked out still. And really, do they HAVE to sign in symbols? No one is ever going to believe this is really his signature (on the left) and Tomo’s (on the right).

After they signed everything, we got back in line for pictures. Once again, I’m next up in line and I’m hopping back and forth from foot to foot. I actually did have to pee at that point though, so it’s okay.

I get up to the guys and squeeze between them and just wrap my arm around JARED LETO’S WAIST. Seriously. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW??? He put his arm around my shoulders and I’m pretty sure Tomo’s hand is on my ass and then he told me to smile. I said NOTHING. Again, nothing. No words. I had my arm around his waist. DID YOU HEAR ME????

I swear I wasn’t this far away from him when I first got up there. I’m pretty sure my cheek was resting against his shoulder and his silky smooth hair. But then I started worrying that he might think I was going to bite his ear off or something and I mean, getting someone else’s ear is one thing, but having your own ear bitten off and handed to you is a whole other kind of awkward, so I moved away for the picture. I really wanted to hug him before I walked away but there was never anything said in the “rules” about hugging. What if I went for it and he stuck out his hand for a handshake instead and then it turns all weird because I’m leaning in and he inadvertently punches me in the stomach?

Once again, I just walked away without saying a word. I walked away as fast as I could with my head down and I may have actually skipped. And while I was obliviously walking away, my husband was getting his picture taken and doing a much better job than I did. I’m so hyper at this point that I’m speed walking to the back of the room and he has to run to catch up to me.

Hubs: Did you see the awesome picture I just took?
Me: What? What picture? What day is it?
Hubs: Seriously? You didn’t see it? It was epic. I stuck my thumbs up.
Me: Did you say anything stupid?
Hubs: No. It was awesome. I can’t believe you missed it.
Me: I just touched Jared Leto.
Hubs: I just gave him a thumbs up.
Me: I don’t like you right now.

<—-Much better than mine. Asshole.

I’m kind of still freaking out typing up this post. I really can’t believe this happened. Tomorrow, I’ll give you guys a recap of the concert itself. Which we watched from the stage. Like, ON THE FUCKING STAGE. I have videos. And pictures. You’re going to die.

With all the excitement of Love and Lists coming out (Did you get it yet? Why the hell not?!) I totally missed a very special anniversary. On September 30, 2012, I went to my very first book signing in Chicago.

Look at all the shit on my table! I even brought cupcakes, lube and beer pong! I had no idea what I was doing. I was so nervous. I thought my table would be empty all day. But as soon as the doors opened, people actually came to my table!

<—- The first person at my table!! What-what?!

It’s been a crazy year. I never thought this would be my life. I’ve signed boobs:

And I’ve signed penis…sort of:

People have brought me gifts galore:

And people have shown up wearing shirts for me:

I’ve been beaver bombed:

And beavers have been bombed:

I’ve partied in bath tubs:

Played with vibrators:

Made out with chicks:

Snuck my book into a book case at a bar:

And I’ve been risen up on eagles wings. Well, in a bunch of drunk dudes arms, same thing:

Through it all, I have met some of the most AMAZING people in my life – the fans. You guys are wonderful and I can’t thank you enough for taking time out of your day in the past year to come and see me!

You would think after 7 release days, it would get easier. It doesn’t. I still freak the fuck out as soon as my book is live, knowing that people are reading the words I wrote. I haven’t thrown up yet, but the day is still young.

Last night, my awesome cousin met me up at the bar for some drinks so I could calm my nerves.

After a few of these and a shot, we may or may not have started talking very loudly about threesomes and penis. In other news, the guys sitting next to us decided I was awesome and they would all buy my books.

Then, I got home and sent Lola Stark some awesome drunk selfies while I stalked Amazon and Barnes and Noble and tried not to freak out that I was sitting on my front porch at 1am and could hear coyotes fighting and I was pretty sure someone was coming to kill me.

The murderous coyotes didn’t chew off my face, thank God.

Today, instead of getting a massage or something equally as awesome to celebrate release day, I get to pick my kids up early from school and take them to the dentist. Who the fuck scheduled this? Oh wait, that would be me.

So, pick up your copy of Love and Lists or I’ll make you take my kids to the dentist.