‘If you have the facts on your side, argue the facts. If you have the law on your side, argue the law. If you have neither, pound on the table.” — An old lawyer just sayin’.

As you know, the Rockford Board of Fire and Police Commissioners is trying to hold a hearing on a police union complaint that Police Chief Chet Epperson acted improperly last fall during a welfare check by officers at the home of NAACP President Lloyd Johnston. I’ll not go into the details here. It’s already gotten reams of coverage.

Anyway, Thomas McGuire, Epperson’s lawyer, has been trying to stop the board from hearing the complaint, arguing that commissioners lack jurisdiction. Judge Gene Doherty said the hearing could proceed. But McGuire argues that the board has no authority to hire, fire or discipline police chiefs. McGuire says only the mayor and City Council can do that.

If that weren’t strange enough, McGuire then took a trip to a parallel universe: Epperson is not the “de jure” chief, meaning he wasn’t legally appointed, but he’s the “de facto” chief because he’s serving in the job. “One to beam up, Mr. Scott.”

Well, I decided to see how many de facto police chiefs we’ve had. We have electronic archives of our newspaper and all its predecessors in Rockford going back to 1840. At my desk computer I can call up old articles by punching in a couple of keywords. Kinda neat, eh?

And here’s what I found. Seems we’ve got ourselves a whole lotta de facto-in’ goin’ on ‘round here:

April 11, 2006: “Rockford born and bred Chet Epperson was named chief Monday by the Board of Fire and Police Commissioners on a 2-1 vote.”

April 7, 2006: “On Feb. 24, when the commission identified its first choice, David Purdy, after a six-month selection process, commissioners announced a tentative start date of early April. After the commission withdrew its offer to Purdy on March 22 based on background check findings, board attorney and spokesman Sam Castree said the selection of a chief from a list of five remaining candidates would proceed ‘expeditiously.’”

Dec. 2, 2002: “(New Police Chief Steven) Pugh thanked the city, members of the Rockford Police and Fire Commission, fellow officers and family before addressing some of the department’s biggest challenges. ...”

Page 2 of 2 - July 3, 1997: “The Board of Fire and Police Commissioners selected (Jeff) Nielsen from a group of (chief) applicants who all came from within the department.”

August 16, 1985: “When in April (Chief Del Peterson) announced his intention to retire, we said that the local Board of Police and Fire Commissioners faced a difficult chore in finding a replacement capable of carrying on the Peterson tradition.

“(William) Fitzpatrick’s credentials indicate the commissioners did their work well. For that matter, there is every indication commissioners well served the community, narrowing the applicants down to a final list of five exceptional candidates, then selecting Fitzpatrick, all without a hint of political partisanship.”

Aug. 18, 1965: “When Rockford Fire and Police Commissioners Tuesday night announced the appointment of Delbert Peterson as the city’s next police chief, they unanimously endorsed the top choice of a panel of three nationally known experts, according to commission Chairman William Allen.”

Feb. 2, 1953: Sgt. Thomas P. Boustead will become Rockford’s police chief March 1. Boustead finished first among the 14 police officers who took exams given by the board of fire and police commissioners. Announcement of Boustead’s appointment was made by B. Howard Oberg, chairman of the board. ...”

What do you see in all these excerpts? Right, the Rockford Board of Fire and Police Commissioners hired all the chiefs. And what do you not see? Right, the words “mayor” and “City Council.” You could read the complete stories and not know who the mayors or aldermen were.

Come to think of it, maybe Larry Morrissey is the de facto mayor. And maybe I’m a de facto columnist. Maybe the Rock River is a de facto river. Maybe we live in a de facto Rockford that’s already been transformed, but we lack the magic 3-D glasses to see it.

“You’re traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That’s the signpost up ahead — your next stop, the Twilight Zone!”