Lyrics, Poems, Stories, and Other Shiny Things.

Category: Humour

Where is this generation’s George Carlin? Richard Pryor? Bill Hicks? Lenny Bruce? Where are those raw, unapologetic wordsmiths that can ‘tell it like it is’ is a way that really gets the point across but also makes you laugh? Laugh at how ridiculous it all is? Laugh at yourself? Laugh at the world?

Don’t get me wrong, there are some funny comedians performing, and there are some ‘edgy’ comedians performing, but I don’t see anyone that rises above the rest. There isn’t anyone that can shock the world anymore, in a good way, and I don’t believe it’s because we’ve become so ‘desensitized’ by it all.

The problem is two-fold. The comedians, for the most part, are lazy. The game has changed. In the golden days of the craft you studied the language. You used wordplay, developed interesting dialogue, discovered your own unique voices if needed and developed characters. You worked the clubs and moved up slowly, always honing and polishing your craft, tossing off the slag, keeping what shined. Write and rewrite. Now it’s about youtube and getting kicked in the nuts. Five minutes of fame and out. So many flash in the pans and so many ‘big name’ comedians that wouldn’t have been able to open for some of the above-mentioned legends. Even the good ones, that I actually enjoy, are just shadows of what came before. Patton Oswalt, Louis C. K. etc… They suck. Sorry, somebody had to say it.

The other problem though is me, and audiences in general. You ever watch old films of live shows? What do you see? People that are engaged. People enjoying the world around them. People without the thing I’m typing this on in their hand, not ‘connected’ to anyone or anybody but those in their immediate vicinity. Whether it was a comedy show, or a concert, or a play the audience was there and they were wholly a part of the experience. Do yourselves a favor and leave that shit in the car the next time you go in somewhere. The world wide web will be there when you get back.

That’s not all though. People at comedy shows could laugh at themselves back then. They could laugh at their neighbors. They could laugh at ANYTHING. Why is everyone so serious now? Do you snowflakes need a safe space? Has everyone forgotten that, when it comes down to it, words are just wind. Unless you’re Zhuang Zhou. Cool guy, Chinese dude, a little before Jesus check him out. They aren’t going to hurt you. Fuck, we’ve known that since gradeschool, or at least I have.

Where is the next legend that’s going to do the work? The one that’s going to have the vision to put it all together, and bring us all together, over the ridiculousness of humanity? He or she is out there but some of that shit starts with you. Lighten up, buttercup.

A limerick is a humorous poem consisting of five lines. The first, second, and fifth lines must have seven to ten syllables while rhyming and having the same verbal rhythm. The third and fourth lines only have to have five to seven syllables, and have to rhyme with each other and have the same rhythm.

A Trumpence

Don and Mike were seeking a trumpence
For a scheme they both had come up with
Their plans were laid down
Both looked like real clowns
And instead recieved a comeuppance

Death

To live a life eternal
Is to hold a dream infernal
For into the ground
You are surely bound
Your dreams flushed just like a urinal

Life

Life made of love and laughter
Can read like the greatest chapter
Of your favorite of books
With an intricate hook
Though no sequel is guaranteed after

Love

Be still my beating heart
Was writ in a great piece of art
Thank goodness not literal
For it would be pitiful
If the heart would fail to restart

Liar

My words I swear are true
Except the above stated view
But now I will tell
My story so well
It will leave you lost and confused

Limericks

I decided to write limericks
Only to find no one gave a shit
I’m wasting my time
But I really don’t mind
They are solely for my own benefit

Ocean

I felt the waves crashing down
For a moment I felt I may drown
A quite absurd notion
Never been near an ocean
And I prefer my feet on dry ground
(Not part of the limerick but what a weird fucking dream.)

Perfection

Surely perfect in every way
I’m the best each and every day
You know this is true
There’s naught I can’t do
Except finish this limerick using the proper, widely accepted format.

Tom Waits

Tom Waits is a man of great talent
Posing verse and lyrics quite valiant
Though I said he’s a man
You should understand
I’d check God if handed a ballot

Shoes

Many styles of shoe you might find
Cantabrian albarcas like mine
That’s not really true
Though in Spain they will do
Clearly I Googled shoes for this rhyme

Pop Music

Did you hear the latest sensation
Spreading like fire through the nation
This hook heavy band
Has taken the land
True artists are left with frustration

Ghosts

Last night I saw a ghost, it’s true
And I thought “What should I do?”
So I began to rewind
The film, oh quite fine
Though it’s antagonist I can see through

A Baker’s Dozen

My play on this format is through
Enjoyable to write one or two
But a firm baker’s dozen
Has left me with nothin’
But looking for new things to do

I have my ball in one hand
The light is piercing my eyes
I’ve not been outside for days
I stumble down the street
My vision enveloped by the rectangle in my hand
I’m close, I can feel it
The hair on the nape of my neck is elevated
My heartbeat races
I swing to the left
I swing to the right
I never let go of my ball

There!

I throw with all my might, forgetting for a second this isn’t reality, and break my new phone.
My balls evaporate

I feel as though this isn’t the first time I’ve lain eyes upon you. When I saw you from across the room, through the smoke filled dance floor and sea of writhing bodies, my mind at once sent a pulse of recognition.

Where do I know you from?

Perhaps we worked together. I’ve had several jobs over the years. I was a dentist. But no, I remember my receptionists and assistants, that couldn’t be it. Wait, were you a patient? Open your mouth so I can examine your teeth; I’ve never forgotten a well shaped molar! Wait, where are you going? I’m just joking, yes please do sit. Now…

Where do I know you from?

Was it from the time I spent as an maintenance man at ‘The Two Flags’ amusement park in North Bend? Jesus things were always breaking down. That place was hopping, lots of people coming through, but you look like the kind of gal that could’ve been a regular on the wild rides. A thrill seeker, searching for something to take you away from the mundane part of your life. An escape from the ordinary looking for a little something extra if you catch my drift. No! Don’t go, I can see I was wrong again, let buy you a drink and try one more time. Now let me think…

Where do I know you from?

Was it from the time I was the pilot down at ‘Half Priced Flights’ in Cornerstone? Man, that was the life, visiting all the countries of the world! Greece, Japan, New Zealand, Old Zealand, you name it we flew there; and cheap too! It wasn’t called ‘Half Priced Flights’ for nothing! Was that it? I met a lot of women there, passengers, lonely flight attendants… Hey, that’s it isn’t it? You were one of those stewardesses that worked my plane weren’t ya?

The Lady sitting at the bar finally has time to get a word in. She looks at the man and speaks.

I’m the lady that works at the unemployment office. When you came in last week you said you didn’t have many skills and you couldn’t see any way you were going to find anything you were fit to do.