You'd think this might astonish, say, starving refugees from the slave bazaars in Sudan; or impoverished Mongolian tribesmen; even a guy named Stanley who runs a tavern in Summit.

But they wouldn't believe you. They might even get angry, grab a sharp stick and chase you down.

With so many pets in America, odds are that as you read this, there is probably a gerbil named Herman somewhere, getting fed tasty snacks, perhaps Bacos.

"The way this country's going, I wouldn't be surprised that somebody would give a name to a gerbil and offer it fattening tidbits," said a fishing guide, also named John.

We were standing out in a pretty river up north the other day, fishing for steelhead, taking a break by discussing American pet culture.

"Gerbils named Herman," he said sadly."By God, this sure is a rich country, ain't it?

"Now, don't cast up in that tree anymore. The fish are in the river, remember?"

We are a rich country. But that doesn't stop folks from grieving when a beloved pet dies.

Some people don't want a cheap disposal at the vet office. They want the pet in a cemetery or the ashes in a vase for the mantelpiece at home.

Unfortunately, when you combine money and vulnerability, you've got the makings of a perfect scam.

And animal lovers have been getting scammed for far too long.

Say you have a big Rottweiler and it dies and you pay $200 for it to be cremated.

Later, the ashes fit neatly into an empty Contadina tomato paste can, the 6-ouncer. This might be an indicator that something is terribly wrong.

Another scam works this way. Folks pay for a private pet cremation. But the ashes are sometimes mixed with horses and road kill, including opossums.

Rob Lauver, founder of the National Association of Pet Funeral Directors in Mechanicsburg, Pa., is aware of the national trends toward private or single pet cremation.

"Pets are no longer animals, they are family members," Lauver said. "How many people do you know that would send a family member into a mass cremation?"

Fortunately, to stop the mixing of beloved animal ashes with varmints and other critters, a new bill is working its way through the Illinois legislature:

The Animal Cremation Act.

"People who love their pets are extremely vulnerable," said Illinois State Rep. Brent Hassert, a Republican farmer from Romeoville and the bill's sponsor. "They are willing to pay upwards of $150 for a cremation, or $500 for an animal grave, including a casket and care.

"They're ripe for the taking.

"I grew up on a farm. An animal died, you took it out and dug a hole. But people are different now," Hassert said. "They are very different now."

There was a long silence on the phone.

"Did you say something?" he asked.

No, I said, I was just thinking.

The proposed Animal Cremation Act requires animal crematorium operators to list, in writing, whether they send pets to rendering plants to become cosmetics, or to landfills, or fertilizer factories; or whether they do any ash mixing.

And here's the important part. Ashes that are returned to pet owners who have paid for a private cremation must contain a "significant" amount of the original pet.

How much is significant?

"We're working on an amendment to deal with that issue," he said.

Wait! What's the allowable percentage of opossum?

"I said we're working on it," Hassert said.

On Monday, I pestered several Tribune colleagues about this.

One editor paid more than $300 to cremate her dogs. They're in jars on the mantelpiece, but after I told her about the opossums, she got worried.

Another paid a similar price. But she dumped the ashes out into her garden.

One colleague admitted that the family hamster died over the weekend.

But to her everlasting shame, she refused to pay $100 for a proper private cremation, and $30 more for a fancy vase.

"It was a stiff hamster. So we slipped it into the garbage," she said. "But I live in Oak Park. So don't identify me. I might get arrested."

That's the least they could do.

Call your legislators! We animal lovers must pressure the politicians to pass this bill.

Gerbils don't vote yet. But someday, the politicians might just feel their anger.