My Motherhood Journey

Last Thursday was our oldest sons birthday. Timothy turned
7, marking six years and one week that he has been with us, that I have been a
mom....amazing. With all the blessing this boy brings with him, he can also be
a bit of a handful. I've said before, he is loud (really loud), and goes 0-60
from sun up to sun down. On his birthday, or anytime he's especially excited,
these characteristics increase to extreme degrees, which is cute on one hand,
and ridiculously exhausting on the other. The day still has to
happen....school, grocery store, allergy shots....but in his overcharged
excitement he can single handedly make these things impossible, getting in
trouble and turning up the dial on my irritation and anger and increasing his
consequences with each indiscretion. And that is exactly what happened on this
highly anticipated 7th birthday, and it wasn't just Timothy...it was his
youngest brother Eli right along with him, running, yelling, grabbing, name
calling, hitting....It was devastating
and heartbreaking for everyone, and incredibly embarrassing for me.

I have eluded for about four months now that something
happened bringing hurt and harm to our family. This 'thing', that I'm still not
supposed to talk about, has hovered just beneath the surface of life for almost
5 months. This thing has been called small. We have been told there's no reason
for us to worry about our kids, they are fine. This thing has basically been
swept away at the place that it happened, forgiven and forgotten. But in our
home, for Scott and I, this thing looms heavy. It hurts us, it scares us and it
infuriates us.

The tie between Timothy's 'bad birthday' and this 'thing' is
difficult to explain, but very real. God is working on our hearts daily...the
anger, the hurts, the fear...but it doesn't mean the anger isn't still there.
And, wrong as it may be, sometimes my anger gets misdirected at the very little
ones my heart is set on protecting. Why? I have no idea. Probably because they
are the ones in front of me. And mostly likely, even though my anger about this
'thing' is not directed at them, they are unknowingly poking the bear. On this
most distressing of birthdays, the behaviors that had me on edge would have
been annoying under the best of circumstances, but this 'thing', the effect
it's had on me, I don't like it.It has
heightened every negative emotion within me. The things that scared me before,
make me panic now. The things that would draw out anger, get me there much
quicker. Hardly noticeable social anxieties that existed before, threaten to
keep me home now, nestled in with my kids where I know they are safe.

My response on this birth day grocery trip? Take them to the
bathroom and have a stern talking to of course. And that birthday dinner at the
'fire restaurant' that he'd been looking forward to for a month?? Yeah, mad
mommy cancelled it. While that's a little embarrassing to admit, and it was
awful for all, I'm not sure it wasn't the right thing to do, I just wish I
hadn't been so mad when I did it.

That night was tough, and a hard lesson was
hopefully learned. After a much improved day, we did in fact go for that
birthday dinner the next night, and enjoyed a wonderful evening with our four
delightful children! Our grill master that evening, carried on about how polite
our boys were, how well mannered, how sweet, how smart. He said our beautiful
daughter obviously got her looks from her lovely mommy and great-grandmother,
and that we were just the luckiest family to all have each other and be so
happy together. Of course, I didn't tell him she wasn't ours biologically. I
didn't tell him we finally had an adoption date after more than two years, and
that our excitement over that was barely containable! I just went with it, taking delight at the
smiles on my kids faces and the calm in my heart.

Mason and Timothy at 'the fire restaurant'

It was as if he knew I'd been mad mommy for a while now, and
was doing all he could to remind me to enjoy my precious gifts....even if
things are tough right now.

Emotional collisions similar to this, are the norm these
days, it seems. And what I'm beginning to see, and attempt to deal with, is
that parenting out of fear and anger isn't working. These kids are worth the
best I have to offer, and while that may be changed just a little now, it
shouldn't include my misguided anger over the actions of another. It should
include the joy I experience when I look upon their beautiful faces. The wonder
that wells up inside me when I hear them pray to God with wisdom beyond their
years. It should share in their excitement as they show me how fast they are or
how big their muscles are getting. It should encourage their moments of
success, and teach in their moments of disobedience. It should mirror the grace
and mercy I have received and reflect the unending love I have for them.

Today was another grocery day, and while it wasn't perfect,
there were no stern talks in the bathroom and my blood pressure remained within
normal limits. It's a team effort, and we're learning together.

Making Me Mommy

God is daily making me into the mommy He desires through the lives and adventures of the four littles He's blessed our family with. This site is a way to document our story for my own cathartic purposes, for our kids, and for anyone who happens to enjoy following along!

Follow my journey on Instagram!

#morningoals Oh, to wake up so #Hollywood... 😂 #momlife requires #coffee before even thinking about bringing the sass! •••••
#makingmemommy #girlmom #sass

These kids. My love for them is as fierce as the #wth voice in my head is loud! 😆 At Culver’s today a woman stopped me at the ketchup dispenser and said, “I think you might actually be Wonder Woman.” #theundiesdontlie 💁🏻‍♀️ And another man stopped at our table and asked if I homeschooled my kids. He said he could tell because I had such “command” of the table. That they listened, had conversation and were so polite. (Which at the time was completely true) I wanted to say, “Thank you, but you must have missed the head-locking wrestling match my oldest two had up front as I was ordering!” They try my every last nerve but grace and love prevail every time! #thankyoujesus ❤️
•••••
#makingmemommy #momlife #homeschoolers #homeschoollife #AkinAcademy #thesekids #inthemoment

Love this #evereve shirt the hubs got me for Mother’s day! This crew, plus one sleeping baby, are the absolute best a #mom could ask for. Love them up all the clouds in the sky, and then some. ❤️ ••••• #dontmesswithmama #makingmemommy #boymom #girlmom #momoffive #countrylife #homeschoolmom

The story behind my 'why'. Don't judge our circus! We are right where God wants us to be, full house and open doors! We may adopt again, we may not. Only God knows, but our willing hearts are ready and waiting.

Tears streamed down my face as I read these words to Scott. I knew all along that God wanted me to take this trip, but seeing how He put these words in my heart five months before working it out in my life was such beautiful confirmation of His love of me, and His will for my life.