I don’t pay much attention to Spring Training Statistics. You never know who the statistics are coming against. Baseball-Reference did, however, have an amazing tool last year that attempted to quantify the quality of opposing pitchers or batters faced during spring training games on a scale from 1-10 with 10 being MLB talent and 1-3 being high A to low A level. This tool is great, but it averages all the Plate Appearances or batters faced. You would still need a deeper dive to see if your stud prospect smacked a donger off of Chris Sale or off of your kid’s future pony league baseball coach. So what should we watch for in March when we’re starved for the crack of the bat? Ignore “best shape of their life” stories and Spring Training statistical leaderboards. Pay attention to injuries and lineup construction and position battles! Also pay attention to where Bryce Harper and Manny Machado sign… Note that those two signings can instantly eliminate some of the position battles detailed herein.

Maybe it happened at your beer league softball game? Or maybe it was during last week’s company-wide meeting when you thought you’d tell that funny story about the peanut butter thing but screwed up the beginning, and nobody laughed—not even Amber from accounting who giggles at everything—so you sat down all hot faced, feeling stupid all day?

Or maybe you’re thinking of that day you finally asked out Amber from Accounting, and that time she did laugh?

Nobody likes to swing and miss, is all I’m saying. And nobody likes that awkward what-what of trying to save a story from a bad opening line. Here’s some baseball-related proof:

The trade of Yasiel Puig, Matt Kemp, Alex Wood to the Reds means one thing, the Dodgers are signing Manny Machado or Bryce Harper. I’m kidding, in the non-funny way. Maybe it means that, but I kinda hope it doesn’t, so Muncy, Pederson and others have room to play. Not sure why the Dodgers rehired Dave Roberts, but I’m impressed the Dodgers realized that Dave Roberts had zero capacity for managing a team. “What’s he doing?” “I don’t know.” That’s two Dodgers execs watching Dave Roberts juggle three VHS copies of the movie Platoon. “I don’t think he understands what we meant when we asked him to juggle platoons.” “Yeah.” “So, we should trade Puig?” “Maybe trade like five guys.” “Okay.” So, Puig goes back to the Reds, but they’re no longer an island nation in the Caribbean. Now, they’re in Ohio. In five years, people will be like, “I forgot Puig played for the Reds for three months.” Yes, I think he’ll likely be traded in July. Either way, he will get everyday at-bats and should get a nice boost in fantasy value. The Reds were surprising solid last year on offense, and I see no reason why that would end. For 2019, I’ll give Yasiel Puig projections 73/27/83/.273/11 in 502 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason in 2019 fantasy baseball:

So, how’s everyone holding up without baseball every day? I don’t know what to do with myself! Yesterday I wandered into a Starbucks and told the coffeerista about German Marquez for 2019. Then I sobbed into a cheddar scone until someone asked me to leave. We’ve gone over the final 2018 fantasy baseball rankings for hitters and the top 20 starters. This is different than Final Fantasy rankings where you rank Final Fantasy 1 thru Final Fantasy 15. That’s hardcore nerd shizz! This is simply fantasy baseball — we’re softcore nerds like Emmanuelle is to porn. So, there’s no more of these godforsaken recap posts left. You’re welcome. I, my over-the-internet friend, will be talking next about 2019 rookies. Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2018 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

Why do I keep hearing in my head Deniece Williams? “Let’s hear it for the boy! Let’s give that ball a hand!” Am I the only one hearing that? Recently, Jameson Taillon mentioned that he always smells the ball before playing catch. What is with guys smelling balls? Don’t pretend I’m the only one! Is that a carryover from our gorilla days? I’m like John Scopes with a monocle! Speaking of evolution, I was recently thinking about how we’ve managed to stand upright, but thousands of years and we’re not using our feet as hands yet? Like you wouldn’t take three hands and hop on one leg all day, please. Any hoo! Jameson Taillon threw a gem yesterday — 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.24. I’m going to like him in 2019, as I’ve liked him for the last few years, but I can’t say I’m as excited about his 8 .4 K/0, 2.2 BB/9 and 3.56 xFIP as I wish I were. His fastball velocity of 95 MPH should be producing a tad more. I think there’s a 10 K/9 in there somewhere, but since he’s basically repeated his previous year’s stats, it’s hard to expect that much more in 2019. Still, have to give the ball a hand! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

In my Blake Snell sleeper post, my prescience was like the exact opposite of science applied by flat earthers around the world. Look out the plane window and it’s flat, but pull further back it’s round. In reverse, if you pull out for enough, you see I wrote a sleeper post for Blake Snell — great! — but if you zoom in closer you see everything I said in that post was far from accurate. Good from 30,000 feet, less from Altuve’s distance. I talked up Chris Archer and Jake Faria. Said Jose De Leon is ready! Only one I didn’t like was Nathan Eovaldi, who actually was solid. I went over how Snell could be great, but this good? Puh-leaze. Snell and his extended family didn’t think he’d be breathing down a sub-2 ERA in the middle of September. Most accurate thing I said, “At 25 years of age and in his third major league season while primed for his first full year of innings, is about the best time to get in on him figuring it out. After 2018, Snell is going to be a known top 20 starter and you’ll never get him cheap again.” And that’s me quoting me! Yesterday, Blake Snell went 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 9 Ks, ERA at 2.03. In the AL East! Actually, my ‘accurate’ quote might not be accurate enough, I should’ve said Blake Snell will be a top 5-10 starter in 2019 fantasy baseball. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Francisco Mejia is quick to the ball, boy, oh, boy. I watched his 1st career home run at-bat yesterday because there was only four games last night for the MLB because they went about the start of the fantasy football season like this: Picture the scene in Braveheart when they moon the other side, then charge at them. Okay, picturing Mel Gibson’s anti-semitic ass? Good, now after the mooning, imagine instead of charging, they high-tailed it the eff out of there. That was MLB last night. “We ain’t even got time for a white flag, we’re going home to watch football!” By the way, one more Braveheart note, was mooning really common of William Wallace and in the 1300s? *Googles first known mooning in history* Wow, Wikipedia says, “In 80 AD, Flavius Josephus recorded the first known incident of mooning.” Yo, yo, yo, it’s Flava Flavius! And I’m here to show you my big white ass! Any hoo! Francisco Mejia is going to be all over my cheap catcher radar in 2019. Really hoping Austin Hedges gets traded, because time shares suck — except when they’re giving out $20 in free casino chips to just look at one! — and I don’t want Hedges muckety-mucking up my Mejia mmm muah! (Say that fast 117 times!) Yesterday, Mejia hit his 1st career homer, then, in his next at-bat, hit his 2nd career homer, going 2-for-4 with 4 RBIs. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, and, for this year, he’s in a platoon, but you know my cyclops has got that monocle. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rick Porcello said of his catcher, Sandy Leon, “He’s the best catcher I’ve ever thrown to. Period.” It’s a shame people don’t end include other forms of punctuation when speaking. “I am the Red Sox ace. Question mark. No, I forgot about Chris Sale. Period. Actually, exclamation mark. The best Red Sox pitchers. Colon. Not Bartolo. Period. I’m going to list them. Period. Okay. Comma. Damn. Comma. I apostrophe V-E confused myself.” Yesterday, Porcello threw a sparkler — 7 IP, 2 hits, 0 walks, 1 ER, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.04, and roped a double to right, which is fun in a dog on rollerblades-type way, but is kinda irrelevant. What’s less irrelevant, Rick Porcello is pitching better this year than his Cy Young year, though with less ERA to show for it, obviously. That could change in the final six weeks if he finds his groove. Period. Ya know what, exclamation mark. Strike that, interrobang. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Hello, I am Hunter Renfroe. I have homered in four straight games. I am also your father that is why I play for the Padres. Please, call me daddy. Not sure why I’m talking like a robot. Elon Musk has bought my body and repurposed my soul. By the by, you know what’s fun to do, next time you’re in a quiet place where people will be able to hear your phone, have Siri say, “You’re the reason the robots take over the world in the future.” And have Siri keep saying it while you look at the person next to you, then finally say to your phone, “Me or this guy?” Any hoo! Hunter Renfroe (2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer) sent the Padres into the Space Force! He has power (still makes no sense he’s hitting third, don’t care what he’s done), and I’d grab him if you need that. Him and Franmil Reyes (3-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer, and third homer in four games) have put on a show these last few days. Not sure why they’d hit the Brewers hard, they just traded for Jonathan Schoop. He’s a good pitcher, right? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rick Porcello was masterful Friday night, turning in one of the best, most efficient, pitching performances we’ll see all season, holding the New York Yankees to just one hit (a home run) and striking out nine for a complete game win. His only hiccups were a HBP to begin the game and a solo home run to rookie 3rd baseman Miguel Andujar, after which Porcello proceeded to retire the next 21 straight batters with ease. More like Siiiiick Rick, brah *shock emoji* Or Quick Rick? IMHO (the “H” stands for handsome) this was the best start we’ve seen from a Boston pitcher all season, and that’s saying something for a team with Chris Sale on it. The former Cy Young threw first-pitch strikes to 23 batters and threw 68 strikes of the the just 86 pitches to get through this one. Veintidos, which might be the worst nickname ever, moves to 14-4 with a 3.84 ERA and 1.16 WHIP. Most amazing for me, however, was that a Yankees/Red Sox game took just 2 hours and 15 minutes! It was the fastest Boston/NY game since May 6, 1994! So keeping in that spirit I will wrap this up quick. The last two Sox pitchers to 1-hit the mighty Yankees line up facing the minimum batters were Pedro Martinez in 1999 and Roger Clemens in 1991, and those are some pretty great names to have in your company.