narcissist

Look. I get it. You’re a grown-up. And so am I, but sometimes things have a way of following us around. As the mother of two teenage girls, I want to practice what I preach. A few years ago, I was suffering from friendships that seemed to belong back in high school, and to be honest, I kept letting them happen.

I never saw it coming. I always thought of myself as a strong person, but somewhere deep down inside, I knew I just wanted to be like “everyone else”. I had convinced myself that other adults were having these fabulous girl’s nights out, and going off with other couples and even going on vacation together (did I like someone enough for that??).

So at one of my many “this is the year I am going to…” moments, I decided to reach out and make a new friend. The problem was and still is, things come with warning signs. Many, many, many warning signs. And if you are so desperate for friendship that you ignore some of your own standards, it goes to hell in a handbag really quickly. << Southernism.

You see, the toxic, drama-filled friendship was full of stop signs, skull and crossbones type warnings, and red flags. I ignored them all. I honestly looked for the good in the friendship and for whatever reason, thought this person couldn’t help it (note, that is bullshit). So I had attracted a narcissistic type relationship yet again.

What’s the good news in this?

I recognized the signs one day when I realized my friend wasn’t happy about the success I was having in healing, moving on, and getting better in my life. Want to learn more? Check this out later: Coping when a Dysfunctional Friendship Ends

How to walk away from drama:

Acknowledge that you deserve better. This is a huge step. You are a magnificent human being. Say that out loud. Your past does not define you, and your past mistakes do not mean that you are no longer worthy and deserving of a great friendship, job, partner, or whatever it is that is causing you drama.

Stop creating it if it’s you. So this part might be difficult, but acknowledge your part. Are you poking the bear? Do you just love arguing? Notice and reflect on areas where you might be the catalyst and start to step away from people and situations that feel like you are deliberately needing the attention or the last word. Yes. This is hard advice, but truly notice that having the last word with someone who loves drama will not change their mind…nor will it change yours.

Gossip needs legs. I worked with this woman once who would literally grab anyone who walked by her room, pull them inside and show them someone’s FB page just to joke on their recent photos. It was like a Venus Fly Trap of gossip up in there. Don’t be fooled. Avoid, if at all possible, the water cooler type conversations where people can and will overhear. Where Venus can run on back and grab more people saying that you, yes you, were the one that started this rumor knowing all along it’s not true. However, people did see the two of you talking. The perfect set-up.

Set the boundaries. I waited too long to tell someone I wished she hadn’t told me about all the back-stabbing and sleeping around every time I met one of her “friends”. Because guess what? If she’s ready to tell all about their business, she certainly will talk about mine. You better believe this fact. I didn’t want to be in that type of friendship. It was draining to hide what I knew and draining to listen to it. It was a loop.

Accept it, learn from it, and go on with life. ~Vincent NeeringsI could also quote good ole’ Kenny rogers and so I shall: You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em. Know when to walk away, and know when to run. I learned a hard lesson. And for a long time, I wasn’t sure if I could trust myself to make new friends. Then one evening, I met a new person who was so full of life she was a joy to be around. She only saw the best in other people and we talked about everything, and never once has the conversation veered into any areas that made me feel awful, drained, or lowered in any way.

I started surrounding myself with only people who lifted me up, and I continued to heal. I felt better about myself and life and knew that there were actually people out there who were meant to stay in my life. I also started teaching others how to attract the types of relationship into their lives that were good for them, and how to work on healing their own lives through my journal therapy, yoga, and affirmation exercises. If you’d like to learn more, we’d love to have you. >> I need support. <<

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Advice was needed. I read the message and knew immediately someone was being manipulated…yet again. Manipulation is when someone uses tactics, such as guilt, to try to make you do something you might not normally want to do…or even consider doing.

When guilt is used as a weapon, many things can occur.

Guilt can actually cause physical pain, mental pain, and is a powerful emotion that sometimes overrides reason. The body was light just moments before reading a guilt-inducing message, and now the body begins to feel heavy. The heaviness can be associated with feelings of resentment. If you have truly done something wrong, guilt is a natural emotion; however, manipulative people use it as a weapon, and that is not acceptable.

In my closed group, we are exploring the boundaries we need to put in place when someone purposely tries to make us feel this way. This can be saying yes when we really mean no, taking on more work when we already have a full plate, or even having other friends trying to make you feel like it is your fault that they aren’t getting something done because you said no. Did you just nod your head or get shivers up your spine?

There are several characteristics of someone who uses guilt as a weapon.

It isn’t always obvious at first, that they are trying to make you feel bad.

So how do you deal with the weaponized guilt?

The first thing you have to do is to decide you are done. Quite simply, done. This is your life, not theirs. Any other answer lets them push the boundaries time and time again.

The truth is, you have something they want to use. So use it to your advantage, not theirs and make a plan. They are trying to make you feel insecure for what reason?? Write it down and think about their motives.

Can you stand up for yourself with the truth? Here is your test. Disentangle yourself from this situation without using the word “sorry”. You have nothing to be sorry for, and your time is valuable as well. Write down your truth in one sentence that makes you feel empowered. You have always had the power, remember that.

Put on your cape…and go. You have been used, yes. But put your cape on and do not feel guilty. They are trying to use your insecurity against you, but look back over what you have that they want. Your cape is your truth. You are worthy of great friends, good relationships, and a positive work ethic. Not one that makes you constantly feel used and underappreciated (can insert not feeling like shit in your journal). What is the opposite of that feeling? Use the words to surround yourself in this cape of truth and protection.

While this message is for a friend of mine, it also goes for all of you reading this. Don’t let someone shift this guilt to you and tell you how they think you are feeling at this moment. Again, that is their interpretation of the situation. Move far, far away from the mind games, and the use of them saying things “people have been telling me…” what people? No one. They made that up.

Do not let them use self-pity and if it face to face, as it never is, back it up with body language as well; however, if it is a message, do not prolong the chat. Short and concise truth statements is all they need. Not a back and forth. The longer you draw it out, the more they will twist and try to give you reasons to crumble. Stand in your truth today.

Want to work more fully on releasing guilt and setting boundaries? Join us today!

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I remember the feeling of relationships just not quite clicking. I would possibly ignore the signs that they were not going to work out, and I can look back now and think, why did I ignore that??

I should have been looking for signs that the relationship was actually the right one, and not ignoring the signs that it was, in fact, the wrong one for me.

Years have passed since then, and I have seen my girlfriends struggle through people using them, hurting them, and talking to them like they are not worthy. The last one is what always pisses me off. The first thing I am here to tell you is that you, whoever you are reading this right now, are worthy of Love.

Here are 7 Signs that your Relationship is the Right One:

Your partner is your best friend. This doesn’t mean that you can’t have your best friend from high school still. No, but what it does mean, is that if you needed someone to be there for you, he/she would drop everything and be there. THIS is a true sign. I remember being in a relationship with a narcissist, and realizing that I needed to get the hell out of there, and fast. He had the most excuses in the universe for never being there when I needed him…and if he could fit me in, I had to drive to him.

You only have eyes for this person, and they only have eyes for you. To this day, my husband and I can joke around about people we think are attractive in movies, but in real life, my mom said that was how she knew it was not just some passing romance. And, to be honest, I wasn’t sure at first as both of us had ended long relationships right before we met. However, after 2 months, I no longer thought it was a rebound relationship. I no longer thought about anyone else at all. It was quite scary at first because I had spent years with someone else and so had he. I also never, seriously, ever, believed in the “You’ll just know” saying until this point.

You can be you. With the ermmmm more narcissistic folks I had previously attracted, I felt like I had to make an effort to look good, and that included when I didn’t feel like it. Some people enjoy putting on make-up, doing their hair daily, and dressing up. And that is fine, as long as it is what you like to do. The first time my husband, then college boyfriend, and I traveled to a hiking spot and campground with some friends, I didn’t feel like packing a hair dryer or anything. It was camping. I needed my hiking shoes, and warm stuff. It was much colder than expected at that time of year. I didn’t care about the hair, but after using the camp showers, I was freezing. We dried my hair using his heat vents in his beat up car. Boom. He kept staring at me. No effort needed.

You can be weird together. So. Fancy a game of Dungeon and Dragons? Well, my husband did. Again, think college, but it was quite an honor to be taught D & D as the only girl in a secret-ish society of geek boys. I know you are thinking of Big Bang Theory right now…and it’s true. The difference is, I had previously kept my love of fantasy things somewhat close to the vest. Not anymore. Wooo-hoooo. Dice. All the dice. I can be an elf? Sweet. I can have a bow? Why not. Accepting all the parts of who they are includes a little bit of weirdness at times…but it might not be weird to them. If you have something you are afraid to share about you, see what happens. You might end up with a new D & D partner.

When you think about them, you get a little rush. Maybe it feels like butterflies in your stomach, or maybe it’s just that anticipation of them holding you, but whatever it is, you still feel it. After 2 months, 2 years, or 21. Yup…21 years of a rush. Woosh. They don’t spend time thinking about what’s wrong with you…like perhaps others did. Or if you would only lose a few more pounds, drop that person by the way, they love you for who you are. Right now. Now future you. Past you. Present day, in all your glorious mess, you.

You can work through your problems. So you had a fight. It is okay. It is not all your fault. If someone makes you think it is entirely your fault…well, arguments are part of life. You both have to own up to whatever it is without throwing in the kitchen sink as well. Or that other person you dated gets thrown in your face, or whatever it was that is past. You don’t resort to low blows if possible because guess what? They aren’t needed. You learn to work on your open communication and that really does mean facing problems together. Not secretly. Not avoiding. Not hiding.

You can’t imagine your life without them. I do still need my alone time, don’t get me wrong, but this is different. I don’t want to do too much without him because I actually miss him. I can’t sleep right, think fully, or operate well when we are apart. I know that it is the same way with him. The difference is, if you would rather be with friends or another interesting possible new flame, then it’s definitely time to think about what you are looking for in a partner. Luckily, my soul knew long before my head caught up. Things felt like they were missing with other people, but I thought it was me. It was actually just my soul trying to guide me out of those relationships, and into the “One” that was meant for me.

Nothing is perfect my friends. Love is messy, complicated, and it makes you want to scream at times; however, nothing is worse than staying in the wrong relationship thinking it is you. You are worthy of true love and stepping out of that narcissistic or failing relationship, will really give you the space you need to be true to you. This month, I invite you to do the work within. Come join us in the Head|Heart|Health Club.

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I know the title might be shocking. We never want to willingly lose a friend. Not really. But sometimes these things can’t be helped and we need to see them for what they really are. A blessing in disguise.

As someone who wants to heal others, I naturally attract people who need healing. This can come in all forms, from past relationships, family members, strangers, yes, and then friends.

What I have come to realize now, is that it is completely normal and even healthy, to lose friends as I grow and wake up to what I am meant to do with my abilities. I know that I need healthy boundaries, and in the past, was not aware that I was constantly being drained by allowing these friends so much of my time. Whew. It was honestly a cycle I didn’t know how to get out of.

Empaths are tuned into feelings at an unnaturally high state. We have been living this way for our whole lives, so the truth is, we really aren’t aware others don’t notice the same things we do…for a while. The worst part of it for me personally, was hearing the lie almost before it was said.

Time and time again, I was told things that were simply not true. I knew it immediately, yet, I truly loved this friend, so I let it pass because I thought there must be a good reason for it. <<< note, there isn’t.

Narcissists have convinced themselves that the world is truly a bad place and they are the only ones who can be trusted. They desire to be desired, admired, and sought after. They rarely question their own logic because they have lied to themselves and others so much, that whatever story they project they actually start to believe.

If you have a problem, theirs is 10 times bigger and the worst so naturally, you end up spending the most time speaking of their issues. And forget it if you do something that deserves praise. They won’t be clicking like on that post.

As the narcissist comes in for the win, they find a highly sensitive person/empath who can help them with their problems time and time and time and time again. If this sounds familiar, it’s time to free yourself from this cycle.

How to open yourself up to good energy:

Start setting up clear boundaries. If it is your dinner time, and the person really has a need, they can wait. If they appear agitated, mad, or won’t speak to you for a while because you have to go, that might be a sign.

Take charge of what is your “stuff” and do not absorb theirs. I try not to type cuss words, but in your head, you know what I mean. It is very important that you stay level-headed and know that the energy you might feel after talking to them is not your own. I once described a situation I went through to another sensitive friend, and she said she was grumpy afterward…but recognized it wasn’t my stuff or hers. It was the residual feelings of what I went through. Do you ever feel drained, mad, upset at your spouse after talking to a friend? Yup. It might have been their stuff.

Find and cultivate a space for high energy and gratitude. I know that people are often not aware of this, but replacing old patterns of thoughts with higher ones, actually helps us. It really protects us from that draining feeling and improves our health! Gratitude opens us up to attract more abundance into our lives.

Forgive yourself and know when it is time to walk away from things that do not lift you up! I read every night before bed and I write in my journal. In a nutshell, last night I was thinking about uplifting others and how that feels compared to the energy of being dragged down and trampled. I don’t know why I never saw it before, but I am so happy I can recognize it now, and steer clear from it. My intuition always tells me way ahead of time, but sometimes I tamp it down because I truly want to believe the person can change…but the truth is, they have to want that change and many don’t. Recognize this pattern in your friendships now so you can start to create that space you need for good energy.

Thank you so much for reading, and if you are looking for more gratitude in your life, feel free to find my closed group.

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What is a narcissist exactly? By definition it is someone who is overly self-involved, vain or selfish. I happen to know quite a few of these people, and yes, was in a relationship with one once long ago. Quite thankfully, I recognized what he was doing even back then as it could have been quite scary. What exactly were the signs I recognized?

everything was on his time

wanted to party all the time

had to be in the center of attention by drawing people to him

put on an “act” like it was a circus show

lied to me…constantly

would do one good thing, to replace the 50 bad things he did

These are just some of the signs that I recognized and knew it was a ridiculous arrangement. Read this article for more on When an Empath Loves a Narcissist. So how does one move on after this?

How to Move Forward:

Stop feeling guilty, judging yourself, or feeling used. It is quite possible that this is what he or she wants. It creates that isolating feeling that they love. Now you have no one to call, and feel sorry for yourself. It is normal. You will be able to build up relationships once again that help you with your self-esteem, not drain it.

Start your self-care routines again…which means focusing on you! Consider this experience a lesson in how to take care of yourself and make yourself a priority once again. Honestly, you can be stronger than the you that just came out of this relationship. I know it sounds crazy, but it is true. Start your wellness routine which includes fitness, nutrition, balance and self-care. I talk about this in 4 Weeks to Wellness, but it is absolutely the best way to heal yourself completely.

Journal the things you want to remove from your life and the things you want to attract. Write down the qualities you would like to have in your next relationship, and compare your list to what just happened. Chances are, the qualities were never there to begin with. It was all smoke and mirrors. Get in the habit of putting yourself first and thinking about your goals and dreams.

Take stock of your feelings. Sit with them a minute. Write them down. How are you feeling? Now imagine the best version of you. The you that is there, but is just hidden way below the surface right now. What if you journaled each and every night on the best parts of your day, you, your family, your friends, and everything about your life that is great? There is so much left to be thankful for and after all this, the relationship has shown you what you don’t want to be like. That was not a relationship for your highest good and somewhere deep inside you knew it all along. You are able to see much more clearly now that the fog has lifted.

You will be able to move forward. Use yoga, journaling, meditation, walks in nature, alone time, massage and more as a way to get back to the you that you want to be. We all have bad days, make bad decisions and date the wrong people. But that doesn’t mean we have to stay in that place forever. This has prepared us for what we no longer want in our lives.

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You always say yes. Even when it’s inconvenient timing or you are about to eat dinner. Your friend “needs” you yet again or your partner asks you to do this one little thing he or she just doesn’t have time to do. You might even be the go-to person at work…working long after hours, because the boss just knows that you will say yes. Yes, sure I will do this.

What are the signs?

You try to have a good nature about everything…so it gets used. Because you naturally want something great to happen for your friend, they ask you to do more things like that. Plan an outing, sure. Keep their kids all day? Why not. You were only going to relax from exhaustion. Pay for everything because they always forget their money <<< wait. Big sign. Big. Let’s split this bill? But they ordered lobster, 2 martinis and a flaming desert brought to the table by a monkey wearing a fez. You ordered water and a salad. Say no to splitting the bill.

What you do is clearly not appreciated...in fact, they act surprised if you mention they asked you to do x, y, z for them last weekend so you can’t right now. They do not reciprocate at all, nor will they ever. Never. Be honest with yourself. How is this making you feel right now? Are you beating yourself up for being so nice…and feeling used right now? Write down your thoughts about the last time someone used you.

One set of rules for them…another for you. This one is huge. I had an acquaintance, I thought she was a friend actually, but I know better now, who said that a few things I did were not okay. If I made an observation for example, I was automatically judging OR gossiping. But she could turn around and say “Oh look at so and so. Umm. I just don’t like them….what do you think <<<” At that time, and that time only, I could answer. This borders on “policing” your behavior. Being told what you can and can’t do. It would be okay for her to act this way, but not me. Snapping at you in front of adults, yet had you done the same thing, you would have heard about it. This is setting limitations on what you can do, but they think it doesn’t apply to them. This is manipulation in a friendship or relationship and it is wrong.

Being treated this way makes you feel isolated and alone. How you feel about this treatment is often ignored as well…but you are not alone. You should not feel ashamed to speak out on someone who likes to use double standards in a relationship or friendship. They have the do as I say not as I do attitude, but clearly you are starting to see this. Get out now. Go to counseling, therapy, write about it, but leave and don’t feel bad. This is NOT about you. It’s about them. All about them. They will continue to manipulate your feelings and try to turn it around so it is your fault. It isn’t.

They rarely contact you first…unless they need something. In any type of relationship, whether it is home, friendship, relationship, work, or family, the only contact you get is when they need something. I am learning to put up better barriers against this, but this is a big sign to me that I am not important. They are too busy to listen to you, contact you, etc, but the moment they need something, the story changes. My ex-sister-in-law comes to mind right now as well as a few others who are no longer in my life. But I wouldn’t hear from that girl unless she wanted to bash my brother or have me babysit. Period. That was it for our entire “friendship”. When I was really ill, she called me. To ask me for a favor. Didn’t know I was bad off. Didn’t ever ask. Not once. That was the last time she called because I finally told her that I knew she only called me for 2 reasons and never once in 7 years asked me how I was doing.

They occupy opposite ends of the love spectrum, but empaths and narcissists often find themselves coupled up in unlikely relationships. But why? What is it that attracts one to the other?

This article will focus mainly on why empaths find themselves pulled towards narcissists, how they get trapped, and what they have to do to escape.

What The Empath Sees

Gifted with the ability to sense the underlying emotions and feelings of others, an empath is uniquely placed to see into the depths of a narcissist’s being to the wounded, unhappy soul that resides there.

Upon discovering this pained creature, the instinctual response of the empath is to try to help, heal, and love them.

Before they know it, they become entangled with this narcissist and the toxic relationship begins.

How They Get Sucked In

Narcissists can, when required, display copious amounts of charm and charisma. You might think that empaths would be less susceptible to this artificial persona, but it is precisely because they are beings of love that they wish to see the best in everyone.

They can sense the pain that is hidden behind the smile and the wit, while, at the same time, believing that this act is some sort of suppressed character trying to assert control. They think that they can help free it through their care and affection.

They envisage a time in the future when this narcissistic individual can become a changed person, cured of all their bad traits and free from pain. Once they believe in this possibility, they feel compelled to try to make it a reality.

What Stops Them Leaving

It won’t be too long before an empath begins to regret their decision to get involved with the narcissist. The person they initially fall for will quickly disappear, revealing the true nature of the beast.

The empath will shower love and kindness on the narcissist – to the point where it turns into adoration – in an attempt to purge the pain from them and soothe their damaged spirit.

But to the narcissist, this sort of attention is like a drug; they simply can’t get enough of it. And unfortunately for the empath, it only serves to reinforce the egoistic self-adulation.

Then comes the game playing and manipulation. To maintain their air of superiority, a narcissist will seek to control every situation involving their empath partner. They will use destructive and demeaning language to tear them apart, piece by piece, until they can exert their utter dominance.

In spite of all their good intentions, the empath will find themselves in a trap; one of loving a person who is incapable of caring for them, let alone showing love back.

But they aren’t yet aware of this trap; they continue to seek the narcissist’s affection in a vain attempt to mend the broken heart they see before them. They struggle to understand what is happening to them because, from their position, the behavior of their partner is utterly incomprehensible.

What happens next is quite possibly the most damaging aspect of the whole process: the empath looks at all of the pain and trauma now filling their life and pins the blame squarely on themselves.

Rather than accept that the narcissist is the cause of all their misery like they should, they insist that it is they who have failed. They wrongly believe that all the conflict and resentment in the relationship is their fault; that they somehow didn’t try hard enough to rid their lover of the pain they endure.

From this self-blame grows an unwillingness to do what is required; to break up with their narcissist partner. They proceed to lock themselves in their own prison by forfeiting their right to be happy. They insist that to do so would only heap more misery on the already tormented soul they have such affection for.

How They Finally Break Free

There is only one method of escape for the empath and that is to fully open their eyes to the situation they are in. In order to make a break for freedom, they must first understand that the original lure of the narcissist was misguided.

They must realize that it is nobody’s duty to fix another; that they have no responsibility to stay with their partner any longer. They must accept that whether the narcissist will ever change is not something they have any say in; they can only captain their own ship and it’s time to choose a different course.

This will not, by any means, be the last they hear from the narcissist. In an all-out bid to regain what they see as a possession, they will declare their undying love for the empath, swear they have changed, and make many promises that they know they cannot keep.

They will turn the charm back on and, for a while, the empath may see some of what they initially found so appealing. But if the empath can hold their nerve during this period, the narcissist will eventually unleash a barrage of malicious words and actions in a desperate attempt to pull their victim back in. This can be extremely difficult to endure and it can seem like the whole world is crashing down around you, but you must hold firm.

Leaving a narcissist isn’t the end of the story for the empath; it will take a long time for them to put the pieces of their life back together and even longer to regain their faith in the goodness of other people. But they will have broken the bond that so often draws empaths and narcissists together.

Are you an empath who has been through such a trial? Leave a comment below and share you thoughts and experiences.

Steve Waller is the founder of A Conscious Rethink – a growing voice in the world of mind, body and spirit. He has benefitted greatly from self-help books and other aspects of the personal development movement, and now wants to share some of his knowledge and wisdom with those who need it. His Facebook page reaches millions of people each week with its mix of inspirational quotes, motivational videos, and helpful articles.

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Are You More Of An Empath Or A Narcissist?

Take this quick quiz to find out if you align more with empath traits or the traits of a narcissist…but remember, it’s just a quiz! Maybe you fall somewhere in between? Just give it a whirl for FUN and don’t take yourself too seriously today.

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