Man Fears His Cat is Plotting to Kill Him

Coma resident, Paul Burkee, is convinced his cat his trying to murder him

In what legal experts are calling a first, long-time Coma resident Paul Burkee filed a restraining order yesterday against his cat, Colonel James T. Parker III, at the Coma County Courthouse, claiming the pet is trying to “murder him to death.”

In documents filed by the 27-year old retail clerk, Burkee described a terrifying series of events that transformed his once loving relationship with his cat into a bizarre and vicious ordeal. According to Burkee, the drama began to unfold one morning last month when he found Colonel James T. Parker III in his pantry with a butcher’s knife clutched tightly in one paw.

“That cat knows my routines,” Burkee said. “Every morning, I wake up, take a shit and then go to the pantry to get a Pop Tart. He knows that and I think he was planning on ambushing me.”

Burkee took this photo after finding Colonel James T. Parker III in his pantry

Although the ordeal was startling to Burkee, he said he chalked it up to “Colonel James T. Parker III being Colonel James T. Parker III” and didn’t think much more about it.

“It’s not unusual for that cat to do weird stuff,” Burkee said. “A few months ago I woke up in the middle of the night and found him in the kitchen making pancakes. So, the fact he was rummaging through utensils was not a shock.”

Burkee said he believes the source of the conflict likely started last summer. After being out of work for nearly two months, Burkee told Colonel James T. Parker III he would be responsible for half the rent. According to Burkee, the cat did not respond positively to the news.

“He was kind of an asshole about the whole thing,” Burkee said. “He didn’t acknowledge it and kind of ignored me for a few weeks. But I think it really pissed him off.”

Last week Burkee was preparing to grill a steak when he discovered his cat sliding a bottle of poison across the deck toward the grill.

“That’s when I knew this was getting serious,” said the twice-divorced Burkee. “Cats don’t just walk around with bottles of poison unless they plan on using it.”

According to Burkee, The Colonel recently attempted to casually slip some poison into food he was preparing

Burkee said he finally decided on the restraining order as a last ditch effort to salvage his relationship with his cat but admits at this point it is unlikely the two will ever be roommates again. Burkee added that although he will miss Colonel James T. Parker III’s pancakes and hot-tubbing with his feline friend, he refuses to be ignorant about this situation.

“I’m not going to be one of those guys who wakes up dead one day because they refused to see the signs about how their pet was plotting to kill them,” Burkee said about his decision to seek legal protection.