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31 March 2017

Last week we had a few rougher nights due to sickness in our family. One night in particular, Marin woke up around 1:30am coughing and crying. I went in and gave her some medicine. Luckily, she went straight back to sleep after that instead of trying to fight staying up. I on the other tried to go back to bed but proceeded to toss and turn for hours upon hours. My brain didn't want to slow down, shut off, and just rest. Instead, it mulled a million miles per hour and anxiety began to bend and sway within me. I'm not even totally sure how long I was awake for but it was bad enough that I was considering just getting up and working on stuff, at 3am in the morning. That's when you know it's bad. Laying there, I was just so anxious. For so many things. The biggest was regarding my job. I have discovered that I have this fear of going on maternity leave and everything either completely falls apart or they realize that they can do it all without me. This anxiety begins to well up hugely inside of me at 3am in the morning and causes me to be so torn. I want to be able to have our son and focus on him for as many weeks as I can before we have to dive back into reality again. No deadlines, agendas, emails, or projects. Just us. Just family. There's this thing in our society that tends to torment me. I think it's completely destructive and detrimental to mothers and fathers everywhere. You have to still do EVERYTHING, as you did before. Don't rest. If you rest, you job and life will move swiftly on without you. You must be at the top of your game at all times. No gaps in your career or resume. You want a career right? Blah, blah, blah. These are things that keep me up at night, that and pregnancy insomnia. Mom guilt is a real thing. I want nothing more than to take 6 weeks of our lives to figure out how to be a family of four and bring our new son into the world. This may very well be the last time we ever get this opportunity. I don't want to feel guilty about using my rights and benefits to spend time with our growing family. No more guilt. I know I can prep and plan. I know I can put things in place to help make this transition safe and secure. I know that my job is super awesome, as are our maternity benefits and I need to not worry about these sort of things. With my leave with Marin, I took twelve weeks but was still so very consumed by my job. I never fully embraced all of the new experiences of motherhood and those first few weeks are a total blur to me. Those first few weeks were so hard. I can never get them back. I was too worried about calendars, payroll, and getting my job done even though I was supposed to be on leave. My plan is take 12 weeks with our son. The first six...I don't even want to think about work. The last six, I'll work part time from home. The transition to having two kids is a big one for me. I am anxious and have no idea how to navigate life. As long as I don't try to everything all of the time, I'm sure we will be fine. This is what keeps me up at night.

25 March 2017

Phew. This week has been a whirlwind of late nights at work for events. I'm ready to just chill at my house for the day with the kiddo. Nothing too crazy. Come tomorrow, the craziness will begin up again like it always tends to do.

Lately, I've have started to gather links of all of the places I have been perusing in the great, grand internet. There are plenty of people out there doing big things and small things. Some of these are practical, some are inspiring. Some just make me hungry. This week, we have an article on rage cleaning, eating healthier, and not waking up with regret. I also have been reading about podcasts and ways to become a better morning person.

18 March 2017

I am ready to head into the weekend and finish cleaning my house. I've been trying to clean a little every day so hopefully this weekend will be pretty chill. This past week was a good, busy one, filled with doctors appointments, my lovely glucose test, working on Marin's new big girl room, and lots of work, work, work.

Lately, I've have started to gather links of all of the places I have been perusing in the great, grand internet. There are plenty of people out there doing big things and small things. Some of these are practical, some are inspiring. Some just make me hungry. This week, I'm thinking about capsule wardrobes, bullet journaling, some great recipes, and some frugal tips for kid's clothing.

14 March 2017

When I was pregnant with Marin, I barely took any photos of my ever growing belly. It really wasn't until she was out in the world that I started documenting her life with weekly posts. This new pregnancy has been much of the same. I will be honest and open with you and say that being pregnant isn't one of my most favorite things in the world. I'm not one of those women that just love to be pregnant and I'm alright with that. I'm also not one of those women that have cute little basketball bellies and hardly look pregnant elsewhere. I show my pregnancy EVERYWHERE. Don't get me wrong, the miracle of life is a crazy journey and being able to experience it all for a second time is a huge blessing. But, my ever growing waistline and weird pregnancies dreams and pains are all part of the process. I also can't tie my own shoes very well and Ryan has to help me with my converse sneakers.

This pregnancy has been pretty different from my first. This time around I was way more sick in my first trimester. I puked a lot this time around and felt pretty horrible for a while. I feel like I'm finally out of that now and I'm thankful to want to eat something other than saltines and drink ginger tea. I also have had so much heartburn!

I have crazy dreams pretty much every night. They are super vivid and I normally remember most of them. Sometimes I wake up and wonder what in the heck I was thinking about before I fell asleep. Super weird stuff. I've been trying to write them down in my morning pages just because I like going back and laughing at myself and my craziness.

I feel like some of my cravings have been the same. I want to eat a lot of cereal, specifically Special K or Honey Bunches of Oats. I've been dreaming about sushi for a few weeks now. I finally can eat chicken without totally being grossed out. I have wanted more healthier options this time around, which has been helpful. I crave big salads with lots of veggies. I love anything involving Mexican food and green chili and hot sauce. I would gladly eat a salad from Cafe Rio every single day, with extra guac. Oddly enough, the turkey bacon breakfast sandwich from Starbucks is something I look forward to and I usually have one on Sundays for work. I'm making myself hungry just thinking about it. I've also wanted to drink lots of La Croix Seltzer and unsweetened iced tea.

We only have 15 weeks or so left and I cannot believe it. Time is flying. I want to get into full nesting mode. I have the sudden desire to paint every room in our house, replace all of our crappy closet doors, and organize cupboards. I'll embrace it all while it's here. Having a newborn and a toddler terrifies me but I'm also looking very forward to meeting the newest addition to our family.

I'm trying to soak it all in. Unless something majorly changes, I believe this will probably be our last child. This will be my last pregnancy. I do want to soak it all in even when I'm feeling crappy and huge. I'm super thankful to be able to experience all of it.

11 March 2017

It's no secret that I love to make lists of any kind and then check off the items on each list. Sometimes, I compile lists of things I've seen and read. Sometimes, I create lists of things I would love to do in the future or things I can do now to make our present even more awesome.

04 March 2017

We had our roof and gutters replaced this week. I feel like such an adult whenever I do homeowner stuff like that. Our house is looking good. Our bank account is looking sad. But, we were able to pay for our portion with cash, which is a big deal and helps me check off one more thing from my 31 Things Before 31 List. Hooray.

It's no secret that I love to make lists of any kind and then check off the items on each list. Sometimes, I compile lists of things I've seen and read. Sometimes, I create lists of things I would love to do in the future or things I can do now to make our present even more awesome.