Thursday, December 30, 2010

No, I haven't blogged. I haven't read blogs. I just felt the need to stay away for awhile. I thought that I would be blogging every step of the way but so far things have just felt too personal to really put out there. I am not having an easy time. I do not want to get divorced. I want everything to be like it was about 10 years ago. I want my husband. My best friend. My companion that I was going to grow old with. But that's not going to happen. I can't seem to stop crying for the last 2 weeks. We have spent a lot of time together the last week and that is very very very hard. I can't imagine ever finding someone else. Ever trusting someone. Letting the walls down. There are so many creeps out there. Then to make matters worse. To screw with my head and heart and emotions. I saw my first love on Tuesday. I haven't seen him in almost 20 years. I gave him my cell phone # in October and he texted me out of the blue Tuesday. I was O V E R J O Y E D. I met him for a quick lunch, but we couldn't eat. All we could do was stare at each other. The chemistry was still there. Or was it? Was it just because I would like to be 17 and carefree again? I don't know. I told him I was getting divorced and he told me he was getting married... on SUNDAY!! I truly don't think I could ever be with him for the long run, but I would sure like to be with him for awhile. When we went to leave, we hugged. Long. tight. We fit so perfectly together. I haven't stopped thinking about it since. And replaying our 2 1/2 years together. And the hug. THEN a light bulb went off in my head yesterday and I realized that the girl Kirsten that he is marrying... a girl from his past... is really this girl "Kirty" that he had gone out with before me. She called him all the time while we were going out. He said he didn't like her but I was always insanely jealous of her. She slept around, she was slutty. She threatened to kill herself over him. (messed with his head). When I found that SHE is who he is marrying, it flipped me out. Am I in highschool again?? So stupid. He says she is not the little girl that she was then and he feels horrible at how he treated her back then. She has loved him all of her life and now she has her dream come true. Now I find myself crying even more. I feel like I have lost 2 loves. My heart is totally broken. Shattered. I feel like my soul is slowly leaking out. Don't ask me to explain. Travis had broken my heart and I had built up walls to protect myself. I would go out with guys and break up with them before they could get too close or could hurt me. I had friends telling me not to run from Jake. I didn't even realize that they saw what I did. It actually took me a long time to completely trust Jake. For him to break down the walls. (by the time he was in my life I had also had 3 dads... not a lot of stability of men in my life) Now because of him they are built back up. I BEGGED him for the last 3 1/2 years to not do that to me. Many many times. Do not make me build the walls. To not make me shut off my feelings and emotions. To not make me shut him out. For him to not shut me out. God I begged him to talk to me and not shut me out. But he did. He changed. I hardly know who he is. There, that's how I'm doing. I didn't mean to say all that. It just sort of poured out. I can't let me kids see me being messed up so I contain my crying to bedtime, the shower, the car and while my boss is at lunch (like now). Speaking of kids. Kallyn is at day 4 of her tonsils being out and she said she is in worse pain & swelling today than yesterday. I am at work instead of with her and she is mad, even though that was the plan all along. Her boyfriend has hardly left her side. He's been spoon feeding her jello. ")Karli is off snowmobiling in Leavenworth with a friend until tomorrow. Jake had a job interview for a Tulalip Pharmacy yesterday. He thinks it went really well. Cross your fingers. We are having game night at our house on New Years Eve since Kallyn can't go anywhere and that means I have to stay home. Karli is inviting a couple of friends over. If anyone else wants to come over... COME ON OVER.... we always have a ton of snacky food and play games until midnight.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

I had 3 Dr appts last week and I am going to share the news from yesterday's 1st because it was the bestMy aneurysm is NOT DANGEROUS AT ALL - EVER!!! No matter how big it gets. It is in a vein outside of my brain. An aneurysm in your brain that bursts is what my kill you. An aneurysm like mine, being being where it i,s will make my right eye fat and blood shot and he said I may hear the blood pulsing in my eye. Then I would call him and he would decide whether to have a catheter inserted that would drain it or just let it reabsorb back into the blood stream on it's own. I go back in a year to have another MRI to see if there is any change. He wasn't even going to do that at first but he said he likes aneurysms to look like speed bumps, not balloons and of course mine is a balloon. So back to earlier in the week now. MONDAY & TUESDAY were unremarkable. Must have been since I can't remember a thing about them except working, and the horrible, horrible pain I am having in my left buttocks & hip. WEDNESDAY I saw the Fibro specialist and he also had good news for me!! (I look at it as good news, bad news) The pain has been getting work, the best way to describe it is a Charlie Horse in the middle of my left butt cheek, deep inside and it seems to be pressing on a nerve sometimes because I get sciatic like pain down my leg and sometimes the muscle in my butt spasms when I try to walk and I can't put pressure on my leg. Then there is my hip. The more I walk, the more it burns. It makes me think of a match that someone is trying to light - my hipbone, rubbing on a nerve. Anyways, the DR said it is Piriformes Syndrome. The Piriformes Muscle goes down your buttocks and the sciatic nerve runs through it. The piriformes can get inflamed and irritated and squeeze the sciatic. So what I feel is basically EXACTLY what is going on! So it is not just Fibro pain that I am stuck with like a I thought (good news) and Physical Therapy will help (bad news). I HATE PT. I can't afford PT. W/Fibro, it hurts for anyone to touch my body so just thought of PT, makes me have an anxiety attack. I just keep reminding myself that it will help. See driving and walking are the two things that really hurt it and my Fibro Dr is 30-45 min away. OUCH. At noon I had a special neck MRI that the Fibro Dr asked for in Sept and insurance finally ok'd. It was supposed to take 40 min and it took 75. I had to lay perfectly still, flat on my back. I guess I kept twitching and they had to redo a couple tests. That is because laying flat on my back killed my back & butt. I couldn't help the twitching. I was dreading it for the noise and I actually drifted off a couple times!Wed night Karli had her first real Choir concert performance. That was fun but when were leaving, Kallyn used the restroom and as she was coming out, another girl KICKED open the heavy bathroom door and it hit Kallyn in the head. She blacked out for a few seconds. She had already been dizzy and threw up right before the concert. She threw up as soon as we got home and spent the rest of the night dizzy and nauseous and has a lump on her forhead. I am pretty sure she got a minor concussion. She had a bad headache Thur & woke Fri w/ a migraine. Oh, also Jake came over and cooked dinner. French toast, something the girls love. So we had a "family dinner" before Karli's concert and we talked about Christmas plans. We are going to do everything the same this year as we always have to make it easier for the girls. The dinner was very weird for me. Jake had asked me the previous Fri if he could make dinner Sun for the girls to show them that he and I are still friends. I told him I would let him know and then I never texted him back over the weekend. I called him Mon and suggested Wed. It seemed less weird to me for him to have it ready when I got home from work than for him to come over while I was home. He and I have been texting and/or talking almost everyday. There seems to be a reason w/our daughters or bills or Christmas. THURSDAY I worked in our Tacoma office. whenever I do that, it means getting up almost an hour earlier so that I can leave the house at the same time I usually get up. It typically takes 90 min - 2 hrs to get there and 60-90 min to get home. While I am there I enjoy it as it is a "real" office and I work everyday in an airplane hangar - which is very informal and cool, but it is nice to play "real office" once in a while. I do not partically like the 3 people in the Tacoma office & could not/would not work there full time. I left at 2:30 so that I could make sure I was in downtown Seattle & checked into the Sleep Disorder Dr's office by 4:00. I truly dislike going to that Dr office. I think the parking garage was built in the 20's when cars were much smaller. I feel like I have to hold my breath so the car will fit. You have walk a long ways. (after I have driven a long ways) as it turns out, this is the hospital that Kallyn is going to have her tonsils out at. (YUCK) He decided my sleeping pattern was much better. Ya, because I take ambien every night to knock myself out. He said good, keep doing it. So know I am going in for a sleep study on the 28th. I thought I would wake up and leave. NOPE. I stay for breakfast and lunch and possibly up until 5 while they ask me to try to take naps and see if I can fall asleep and how long it takes me if I do. I find this Dr. quite handsome and would probably do just about anything he said. sigh. THEN, I had to do something for Karli that involved me going to Kmart in Shoreline, returning clothes and buying other clothes. THEN going to Kmart in Everett, returning half of what I bought in Shoreline (had to buy even though it wasn't right in case they didn't have the right stuff in Everett) and buying the rest of what I needed. All for a square dance competition at school. She organized buying all 8 outfits for everyone. More driving and walking. I cried on the way home from the pain. I got home at 8:30. FRIDAY after the Neurosurgeon (in Kirland) I was supposed to a bank in Shoreline and a bank in Lynnwood for work. You know what? I. COULD. NOT. DO. IT. I could not sit in the car another minute. Much less another HOUR. Especially after the Dr did an exam and did some poking on my body. I was already crying again. I thought, I can go to Shoreline on Saturday. Lynnwood is not open Sat, but I thought I was just going home to put some heat on my body and rest & then I'd get up at 5 and go. (I didn't have to go back to actual work) I didn't do. I am a bad employee. I decided that the night deposit would work. The only drawback is that the deposit slip goes to my bosses home address. sigh. I will just tell him the truth. PAIN. I rested until 8 and then I went and saw a friend that is visiting from Boise that I haven't seen in 2-3 years. There were supposed to be a bunch of other people from my high school there. And there were some, but not as many as I expected and not too many that I knew and Steve was so excited to see everyone that he as flitting all over the place so I didn't talk to him too much. We went to Big Daddy's WHS people go there all the time and I always have too much anxiety to go. Bobbie has invited people to go watch a friend of her play before too. Now that I have been maybe I will go back. Though I left at 11 because the music was too loud. It was throbbing in my head and you could not talk to anyone. Tonight is Rah Rah night. I am excited to see my friends. We were just together at the Thock Party but it's different when there are more than just US there AND Bobbie and Jen were not there. I have seen Jen in EONS!! I know the blog is long and probably a little boring as I do tend to go on... but I blogged.

Friday, December 17, 2010

I KNOW! It's been 2 weeks since I've blogged. I sort of shut down but I talked on the phone to Mo yesterday and I couldn't seem to shut down. Now I want to blog. It's been a long week, busy at work and home and 3 Dr appts this week. I am in quite a bit of pain but I am seeing friends tonight and tomorrow night so I am hoping that laughter and friendship will help with the pain as it often does. It is really true that laughter is the best medicine. Check back later. I hope to have posted a blog by after lunch.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Happy Birthday to my wonderful, strong, courageous, beautiful 19 year old. Where did the time go? I was trying to think of what to get her for her birthday. I had bought her some Ugg type boots last year that were a size too small & when I took them back to exchange them they didn't have anymore. Yesterday I asked her if she still wanted those boots as I was at that same store and they had them. She said "Yes, that would be nice, but she didn't need any presents, love was enough for right now." So I bought her boots, which was really a present I bought her last year that she didn't end up getting. It almost feels like I am regifting. We are going to dinner tonight. Me, Kar, the BF, Jake, my MIL and my MIL's sister that is visiting from out of town. Then Karli, Kallyn, the BF and I are going to Bellevue to the Botanical Gardens to see Christmas Lights. It is something I always wanted to do but have never done. I showed them last night just as something we should do this December and Kallyn got all excited and wanted to do it for her Bdya. I was thinking of taking them to the Pink Floyd Laser Show but she chose Christmas Lights. Emotions are still running wild. I can wake up smiling, start crying on the way to work, smile when I get to work, start crying at lunch time and it goes on like that all day. I can be SO tired when I get off work that I think I will have no trouble falling asleep, but then I will be awake until 1:00. Karli has slept in my bed the last 3 nights. It IS on purpose. Now when it is time to sleep, she comes to my bed. I think she is afraid of laying in her own bed alone and thinking about things. It is all still new and we just need time to work it through our brains. I am having trouble saying the word DIVORCE out loud. I don't feel the need to run around telling people, it is still new. I have told the people closest to me that matter the most. I hadn't told my mom yet... I don't know why. I had thought I should do it in person and I just haven't gone over there yet. Kallyn didn't know that and my mom called Kallyn yesterday and they were talking about Christmas and Kallyn said something about how it would be weird this year and so now my mom knows. It really upset me that Kallyn told her instead of me and I thought I should call her and talk to her about it but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I really don't know why. I called Jake's mom the day after I told Jake. But she has been apart and aware of the problem all along and I have not told my mom much because she has never really approved of Jake and I guess I didn't want opinion or dispproval. Kallyn said she sounded concerned... and concerned about Jake and told Kallyn that maybe we would work it out because she knew that I never wanted to get divorced. THAT surprises me. I guess I thought she'd be more like "good riddance". I guess I have something to talk about with Stan (my therapist).

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

My therapist told me yesterday that my guilt button is not quite as big as Texas but larger than California....hmmm.... why would he say that? How could he know me so well already??My mind is also my worse enemy - THAT I KNEW!! I should never be left alone with my mind. Kallyn told me yesterday that she is trying to be optimistic and look at the divorce in a positive light in that she knows that I have been unhappy for along time and this is a chance for me to be happy. That she believes I will be more active and in less pain and do more things with my daughters and laugh more. She knows that her dad can go either way and she is hoping that he will chose to snap out of it and make positive changes too. My wise wise daughter. I think maybethe 2 years of therapy has helped her some afterall. I haven't tried to talk to my younger daughter yet. She slept with me last night. It was because she was watching TV with me. She started to go to her own bed and the show caught her attention and she said "Maybe one more show" and crawled back into bed. Maybe it was to really watch one more show and maybe it was to be close to me longer. Who knows. Today I am taking Kallyn to an ENT because she needs to have her tonsils out. I cannot afford to do that at all. I already have a $1600 bill in collections at Evergreen Hospital so I don't even know if she could have her surgery. I am making $50 a paycheck payments on it so it is probably $1400 now. That is from my hysterectomy. We are still paying on Jake's last shoulder surgery. That is WITH insurance. God. She needs to have them out before then end of the year when my $750 deductible kicks back in. WAIT! I have until the end of January! My insurance year just changed this last year to go from Feb 1- Jan31 instead of Jan 1-Dec 31. Whew that is extra time to see the stupid Neurosurgeon about my stupid Aneurysm too. PbtthI am feeling Fiesty today.