So your mother-in-law isn't so keen on you

Some say that disliking your mother-in-law is like arguing over money: simply a part of marriage. Recently a friend brought up the topic at a gathering. She was keen to discover if her friends had a good or bad relationship with their respective mothers-in-law. What resulted was an animated discussion, describing sometimes invasive, over-bearing and irksome antics, with the term ‘monster-in-law’ punctuating the conversation.

While the conversation was lighthearted, my friend later admitted that she would love to have a close relationship with her husband’s mother. The problem is, she is convinced her mother-in-law hates her.

My friend met her husband while living interstate. They had been dating for some time when she first met his parents and the few visits they shared were fun and pleasantly uneventful. Her husband is the eldest of three sons and she naively assumed his mother would be thrilled by the prospect of having a daughter, albeit through marriage. She was wrong. From the moment they announced their engagement, his mother’s hostility began.

What seems funny on Everybody Loves Raymond, when mother-in-law Marie continually undermines the long-suffering Debra, isn’t as humorous in real life. The mother-in-law makes disparaging comments about the state of my friend’s house, her inability to keep plants alive for longer than a month and the piles of unfolded (yet clean) washing that occupy her laundry. On a recent visit she arrived with an assortment of meals which she unpacked and placed in the fridge without asking permission, either assuming my friend can’t cook, or making the unsubtle yet unsaid observation that my friend's attempts at cooking are below par.

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As my friend does not live near her own mother she was desperate to build a relationship with her husband’s, particularly when she discovered she was pregnant with her first child. She hoped the baby’s arrival would help them to bond.

But it didn’t. The criticism merely moved on to my friend as a mother, rather than as a person or housekeeper. The baby wasn’t a good sleeper, so according to her mother-in-law, this was due to my friend’s busy lifestyle, juggling a career and family, and her apparent lack of routine.

Nowadays, any visit sees my friend ignored as her mother-in-law rushes into the waiting arms of her grandchildren and son. As she lavishes them with attention, my friend waits in the background baffled and hurt by what she sees as cruel and unnecessary treatment.

While some daughters-in-law enjoy a harmonious relationship with their partner’s mother, many women can relate my friend’s dilemma. After analysing two decades of research, academic psychologist Dr Terri Apter concludes the problem is real: “Over 60 per cent of women surveyed said that their relationship with an in-law caused them long-term unhappiness and stress, and affected the quality of their marriage.”

My friend admits that the strained relationship regularly consumes her thoughts. More concerning, the constant criticism causes her to doubt her own ability as a mother. Her children adore their grandmother; and having met her a few times, I’ve always found her mother in law to be friendly, which has left my friend questioning her own sanity. Her desire to improve the relationship only exacerbates the situation and the harder she tries, the more distant her mother in law becomes.

When I asked my friend how her husband sees the relationship between her and his mother she told me he initially was dismissive, suggesting instead she should address her growing fixation that his mother hates her. Then, she brought up the subject with her mother- in-law, voicing her concerns over their apparent mutual resentment. But her mother in law assured her she was mistaken, instead claiming to love and respect her.

Despite this conversation, the mother-in-law’s interference and negativity continued until eventually her husband conceded, her behaviour was inappropriate. The moment he confronted her she became teary and emotional, blaming her erratic behaviour on menopause. Immediately her son, while still condemning it, did acknowledge her behaviour was very out of character.

Recent research suggests there is a reason for the intuitive link which often exists between mother and son. A study conducted by the University of Washington found 63 per cent of mothers have the DNA of their boys living in their female brains. Furthermore, scientists say some of the offspring's cells can stay with the mother for their entire lives, leading to a lasting connection – whether for better or for worse.

Another recent study suggests my friend’s poor relationship with her mother-in-law may be good for her marriage.

Dr Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research, followed 373 couples over 26 years and found that women who enjoy a positive relationship with their in-laws actually have a 20 per cent greater chance of separating.

In contrast, marriages in which the husbands have a close relationship with in-laws are 20 per cent less likely to end in divorce. Dr Orbuch believes a reason for this may be that when a wife gets close to her in-laws, she has a difficult time not taking what her in-laws say as personal or interference. But when a husband shares a close relationship with his in-laws, these family ties connect him to his wife.

Having issues with your mother in law is not a modern day problem. The Roman satirist Juvenal wrote in the year 100, "Domestic accord is impossible as long as the mother-in-law lives."

For many it is a relationship fraught with anguish. But while my friend acknowledges her expectations of the perfect relationship with her mother-in-law may be unrealistic, she did raise the man she loves. For this reason she continues to live in hope that she can build a relationship of mutual respect.

54 comments

Like winter, it's colder than a kiss from a mother in law, mine kissed me once, I froze.

Commenter

I am male

Location

Hampton

Date and time

May 23, 2013, 5:54AM

"Is it entirely up to you to smooth things over and make peace?"

Nup - not this little black duck.

I refuse. Never...we have an understanding...we loathe each other. Makes Christmas interesting though.

Commenter

Alex

Location

Geelong

Date and time

May 23, 2013, 3:56PM

forget the mother in law, my mother doesn't even like me, nor the wife or kids

Commenter

michael

Location

killara

Date and time

May 23, 2013, 6:00PM

When I was complaining about colleagues who 'hated me', someone advised me to try to see how they were trying to help me. When you see people in this light, criticism becomes constructive and goals become shared. My MIL turns up uninvited, stuffs the fridge with unsolicited meals, stands over me while I am breastfeeding giving advice, tells me off for letting the baby fall asleep at the breast, takes the baby away from me when I am trying to settle her, demands to know WHY I didn't take away leftovers when we were at her house last, calls me everyday to check up on me etc.She does all of this because she loves her son, she loves her granddaughter and she loves ME and shares my goal of having a happy, healthy family. She is the best MIL in the world and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Commenter

Spoilt Wife

Location

Brisbane

Date and time

May 23, 2013, 9:02AM

I would put up an impenetrable perimeter fence patrolled by armed guards and slavering dogs and change my phone numbers before tolerating that. I wouldn't put up with it from my own mother and I won't put up with it from his mother. Nobody needs a mother and no children need a grandmother that badly.

Commenter

Old bag

Location

Date and time

May 23, 2013, 10:57AM

This is really about mothers who lack respect for the boundaries of their grown adult sons (and daughters, to be fair). Especially those of the generation for whom 'mother' is a full-time, lifelong job, and having nowhere else to direct their attention when their children are grown.

Which isn't to say that parents can't help adult children, but unsolicited, rude, boundary-crossing interference masquering as 'advice' and 'concern' is not just a problem between mothers-in-law and their new family members.

Commenter

kindsight

Location

Date and time

May 24, 2013, 2:44AM

You think you have it bad. Try being the gay husband to her gay son - I have all the above plus the fact that she is convinced that I turned her son to the dark side, denied her grandchildren (we gave her two dogs instead) and that we live in a permanent mess and are incapable of keeping the house clean and hygienic.

I have pointed out to her that she is partly responsible for all that, in that, she brought him up and he needs considerable refinement and retraining to achieve even my low male standards. Its a constant battle and one I shall never win - she is the master of the guilt trip and manipulating her son into doing what she wants but she hasn't yet managed to twist me round her finger. It makes for a complicated relationship with all concerned.

Commenter

gay husband

Location

Victoria

Date and time

May 23, 2013, 9:05AM

"I have pointed out to her that she is partly responsible for all that, in that, she brought him up and he needs considerable refinement and retraining to achieve even my low male standards."

Brilliant! I bet she LOVED that!

Commenter

SW

Location

Date and time

May 23, 2013, 3:44PM

I want to stick up for the much maligned mother-in-law. And no, I am not one.

I was just witness to the havoc that a foul daughter-in-law can wreak in a family.

No one could have been kinder, more loving , welcoming, generous or accepting of this woman, than my mother.

But from the moment my brother brought home his future wife, she was on a mission to drive a wedge between my brother, my mother and me and destroy our relationships for her own twisted purposes. She told blatant lies about me and worked to undermine my mother's relationship with my brother at every turn. She eventually succeeded in her desire to rent our family apart and ensure we were not part of my brother's life at all.

She even turned our family history - that of an heroic single mother who saved her children from a violent husband and father and reared them on a single income without help, into someone responsible for all of my brother considerable psychological problems.

My mother eventually was forced to sever all contact with this pair, such was the devastation they wrought in our lives. On one visit, they even stole my mother's car and dumped it at the airport with the keys locked inside.When they started using their children as currency in this war - as in, if you don't do as we say you won't see your grandchildren - my mother was forced to cut off contact.

It didn't stop them sending via registered mail, a triumphant message when my grandmother died, that started ''now that your pathetic family is dying off..."

It isn't always a one sided story and can work both ways. This woman truly was the daughter in law from Hell.

Commenter

cj

Location

Date and time

May 23, 2013, 9:09AM

How many women are "set up" by their own mothers to treat their mother-in-law as an enemy as soon as that wedding ring is slipped on?

Women feel the need to "fight" to ensure that their parents hold that "edge" over their husbands' parents throughout their marriage.

Her mother can nitpick on all and sundry (including what goes on in the bedroom and bank account) and she takes it as gospel but just let his mother ask a question about junior's cold and she brews it until he gets home and she lets him have it with as much indignant and righteous rage as she can muster, "...your mother accused me of being a bad mother!........she hates me!.......you have to tell her....! You get the picture.

Ladies, your mother-in-law is neither your rival nor your enemy. She loves her son like your mother loves her daughter and believe it or not, if you and your husband are happy then she is too.

Just tell your mother to back off and not relive her married life through your marriage; she had her time. The same goes for your girlfriends!

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