The Quickie Divorce

Some people avoid marriage due to the likelihood of divorce. Here's how to reverse the trend.

The "D" word frightens a lot of people who are seeking the right person to marry. Most of the singles we counsel are reluctant to include it in their list of concerns, but it's at the back of almost everyone's mind. The unfortunate phenomenon of couples who get divorced after a brief marriage is like the elephant in the room -- something everyone tries not to mention even though it's right in front of them.

Some young people tell us they would rather avoid marriage than be divorced. It saddens us to hear, because there are effective ways to select a marriage partner, and to nurture a marital relationship, that can be healthy and enduring.

Three Keys to Marital Success

Here are three keys to a successful marriage:

Choose the person who is right for you.

Build the foundation for a healthy and lasting relationship before becoming engaged.

Nurture that relationship for a lifetime.

The first two keys are intertwined. We can't really know that someone is right for us until we've built a foundation. The building process takes place as a man and a woman get to know each other by spending enough time together to become comfortable with each other's personalities, talking about a wide range of topics, and developing a history of shared experiences.

Unfortunately, many couples cut the building process short. Some become quickly infatuated and decide to get married before they know each other well. Others focus primarily on developing an emotional connection, but do not spend enough time discussing deeper issues that can help determine whether they are truly compatible.

You must develop an emotional connection that incorporates a sense of friendship and trust.

Single men and women regularly ask us if there is a way they can know that the person they have been dating is "the one." In a sense, there is. The prerequisites are common values, compatible goals, and a belief that the other person will make a good marriage partner. A couple who is contemplating marriage should also be attracted to each other, respect each other, and admire some qualities about the other person. While they are dating, they must also develop an emotional connection that incorporates a sense of friendship, trust, enjoyment of each other's company, and affection toward each other. Along with this should come a willingness to accept each other in spite of the imperfections that each has.

Over decades of experience as a matrimonial lawyer and therapist, we've seen that couples who really take the time to know each other by discussing important issues during the courtship period tend to choose the right marriage partner, and tend to stay married longer.

Talk it Over

There are a number of topics that dating couples can discuss to understand each other's value system. When issues come to the fore, the man and woman can evaluate their compatibility. Differences they encounter can become fertile ground for further discussion, accommodation, and compromise. Can they grow and be flexible together about areas of disagreement? Can they can accept and live with their differences? Or are their perspectives so different that they will not make good marriage partners?

Can you grow and be flexible together about areas of disagreement?

Couples who are able to discuss their similarities and differences on all of these topics do more than simply acquire a better understanding of each other -- they lay the framework for the give and take of a healthy relationship and they avoid making incorrect assumptions that they'll discover after marriage.

Many of the conversational topics listed below will come up in ordinary conversation. Those that don't should be discussed over the course of a courtship.

Your overall views of life and the world

What attracts you to each other

What you like and admire about each other

Long- and short-term personal goals

Ideas about where to live, how to divide household responsibilities

Attitudes about money, support, saving, spending, using credit

How to make decisions as a couple

How to spend free time and vacations

Spirituality and religious observance

Reconciling differences in cultural and socio-economic backgrounds

How to handle stress and points of disagreement

Relationships within your own families and each other's families

Balancing the time with your individual friends and common friends

Ideas about having children, raising them, and caring for them

Physical and mental health conditions

Beyond this, it is important to develop an emotional connection and feel attracted to a potential spouse. This emotional connection is not a "click" that some people claim they will sense when they meet the "right" person. It's a sense of friendship, trust, concern, and comfort that develops when two people learn about each other and begin to share a history together.

Causes of Quickie Divorce

What leads to a "quickie divorce"? We present here some of the most common causes. Our goal is not to frighten the reader, but to educate about how to avoid situations that can lead to problematic marriages.

Marrying someone who is not right for them

Some people give in to pressure to marry someone they sense isn't right for them, because: they want to be married and hope things will work out; they feel their options are limited and decide to "settle"; they are pressured to get married in spite of their reservations and are assured that things will work out; or they don't feel a strong emotional connection but are assured that everything will be better once they are married.

To avoid this misstep, a person has to make an objective analysis of compatibility (based on the list of "issues" above). If necessary, an outside advisor (married friend, rabbi, etc.) can help maintain your objectivity.

Not knowing how to "be married."

Many newly married couples with the potential to be successful call it quits prematurely, simply because they don't know "how to be married." Some believe they have entered into a "trial marriage" -- if the first six months aren't wonderful, they'll get divorced. These marriages are doomed to failure from the outset, because the first six months of marriage are almost never idyllic. It usually takes a year or more for newly married couples to make the transition from singlehood to couplehood.

It usually takes a year or more to transition from singlehood to couplehood.

Even people who marry with the expectation that it will last forever are often unprepared for the fact that the first phase of married life involves a great deal of adjustment, with its set of challenges.

It is important for engaged couples to get pre-marital education, to enable them to realize that early difficulties are normal, and that the tools to successfully addressing the issues that are arising between them are within their grasp. With a little guidance, they can be on their way to building a happy and long-lasting life together.

Emotional issues

Sometimes, an individual who needs to resolve a serious emotional issue fails to do so before marriage. This person may have experienced an early trauma or abuse, or have been raised in a very emotionally dysfunctional family, and as a result may not be able to relate to his or her spouse in a healthy way.

While many of these difficulties can often be successfully addressed in therapy, a new bride or groom often does not want to deal with the fallout of an emotionally troubled spouse at the time the two of them should be building their marriage. That is why the discussion topics suggested above are so important, in helping a couple realize that there are problems that have to be addressed before they decide to marry.

Undisclosed medical conditions

Another leading cause of early break-ups is the discovery, soon after marriage, that a husband or wife has a physical or mental medical condition they did not reveal earlier. Even when a condition can be well-managed with medication, a spouse may feel betrayed by the non-disclosure and not want to continue the relationship.

A variation on this "problem" occurs when an individual with a mental or physical condition that can be managed by medication decides to stop taking the medicine now that he or she is married. The new spouse can quickly see the signs of impaired mental or physical functioning and often decides to leave -- because unless the spouse takes responsibility for managing the condition, the marriage will be a constant struggle.

Sexual issues

Some people are readily attracted to the opposite gender, but are not attracted to the person they decide to marry. They are often persuaded that since their dating partner has so much of what they are looking for, attraction isn't that important or will come later. While it's a mistake to become engaged simply because of a strong attraction, it is also a mistake to become engaged on the assumption that this will develop later. Such a mistake can occur when a dating couple reaches a decision too quickly. They may agree to marry because each of them has all of the "right" qualifications, their upbringings or backgrounds are similar, or they get along with each other's friends and family -- even though they don't feel connected or attracted to each other. They may be persuaded by well-meaning but misguided advice that if someone is "right on paper," feelings and attraction aren't that important.

There are also people who lack a strong attraction to members of the opposite gender. They may not realize this until soon after their marriage, or they may hope that they will acquire the attraction after the wedding. Judaism believes (and many mental health professionals concur) that there is a continuum of degrees of opposite-gender attraction, and many people who are only mildly attracted can address this issue in therapy and increase their level of attraction. Needless to say, individuals who feel they may benefit from this type of therapy should work with a therapist who specializes in this field before they begin to date.

Physical abuse

This is the leading cause of quick break-ups. Because of recent educational efforts, many people are more aware of how domestic violence can develop in a marriage, are not willing to stay in an abusive or potentially abusive relationship, and are likely to leave it quickly.

While we cannot always predict who may become an abusive spouse, professionals have identified certain traits that can indicate an individual's potential to become an abuser. Unfortunately, some singles are still unaware of these warning signs, or simply may not spend enough time getting to know their dating partner to see if they are present.

In the Jewish community, the Shalom Task Force (1-888-883-2323; in New York City 718-337-3700) educates the public about these "red flags." This issue is also discussed in books such as our own Talking Tachlis, Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski's The Shame Born In Silence, and Dr. Lisa Aiken's Guide To The Romantically Perplexed.

With the right preparation and knowledge, the chance of staying married for a lifetime increase exponentially. Many couples are doing so successfully, and you can, too.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 7

(6)
jess,
February 20, 2008 3:29 PM

Nervous about divorce

I was so nervous about getting married because of my own parents' divorce. I read all the marriage books as a teenager and never thought I'd have such a turbulent engagement, but I found myself freaking at the very thought of marriage and divorce. Well, I made it through, I've been married half a year, and it's all good, thank G-d. The key is to think logically and pinpoint the source of fear. It's often irrational, but emotions can be soo strong.

(5)
Anonymous,
March 14, 2006 12:00 AM

Discusted

I am discusted that this Buzzy can be so arrogant to smoothly wipe away all the suffering me and so many others have gone through. I almost feel like saying "lets see you have been in my shoes for two weeks and say the same thing!.
In any case, it's not for women to get divorced. Is that so?? Are you coming to work in the emergency room, they might have some new paitents? Would you like to obey the husband I had? See how much honor he'll give you! A couple of slaps, if you're lucky!!
I wish no bad on you. I only want one thing, think before you talk. There might be a lady struggling to leave the marriage, and you just smashed her. That's an awefull thing to have on your shoulders.
And if there are any ladies that are reading this and feel they need the chizuk to be brave enough to leave, you can contact Aish.com for my name. It is my greatest zechus to be of assistance.

(4)
Buzzy,
January 22, 2006 12:00 AM

Rambam

another '12'-step, sociologist's approach to bliss.
The Rx for women if you want Israel to survive: "obey your husband and honor him exceedingly." He will love and cherish you. In any case, it's not for women to divorce. Period, otherwise that's all you have, as events have shown: fussiness and children made fatherless by mothers who need to always be pleased.
Forget all the modern 'insights' & blather. Maybe the original formula was right.

Anonymous,
January 22, 2014 1:10 AM

The Rambam also says

A man must "love his wife as much as he loves himself and honor her more than he honors himself".

(3)
Anonymous,
January 12, 2006 12:00 AM

Thank you. This article is the best information I've read on the subject of courtship, marriage, and divorce. Unfortunately it's too late for me and millions of others.

(2)
P,
January 12, 2006 12:00 AM

Excellent Advice.

I was also wondering- at what point in a relationship would you suggest that a couple brings up all the issues mentioned above?

(1)
Anonymous,
January 8, 2006 12:00 AM

"leading" cause

Can you please site your source on how physical abuse is the LEADING cause of brief marriages (in the Jewish community)? Physical abuse was not the reason I, and many other people I know who were married briefly, got divorced, yet this is what is commonly assumed of us and held against us in dating. Some of the other reasons you mentioned such as emotional issues and especially marrying someone who is not right for you, were very on target for many of us with brief marriages, but by saying that physical abuse is the LEADING reason (without substantiating that) you are perpetuating a stereotype of briefly married people- one that often works against us.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...