As a general rule, I avoid talking with old people for several reasons. They smell weird. They’re always cranky and complaining about something. They chew even when there’s nothing in their mouths. They’re universally unpleasant to look at. They could drop dead at any moment and I don’t want people to think I caused it. They often make no sense. Etc.

Well, at the friendly bar/restaurant/hellhole that I am in charge of running, an elderly woman of around 80ish came in to place a to-go order. As she’s waiting, she sits down and starts watching the Tigers game that I’m, of course, staring at instead of doing my work. Who happens to be at the plate? Detroit’s Special Little Guy himself, Brandon Inge.

Predictably, Brandon strikes out. I mutter two words to myself rhyming with “brother trucker” and happen look at the old woman. She shakes her head, turns to me, and stuns me by saying, “I hate that Inge. All he does is strike out.”

I’m in shock. I was under the impression that Brandon Inge was the hero of old people, fat girls, and crippled children all over the world and could do no wrong in their eyes. I smiled at her and said, “Yeah, I know. He’s horrible.”

She then asked how old Brandon is. I told her 33, same as I am. She then amuses me by asking, “By now, shouldn’t he have some clue about batting? He’s been around long enough and still swings and misses by a mile all the time. I just don’t get it.”

At this point, I’m considering asking this woman if she can legally adopt me as her grandson. The last thing I asked her before returning to actually working was who she did like on the team. She responded, “The guy that saves games for them…I like him when he dances.” Then she got her food and left.

I learned something from this exchange. Old people, while a nuisance in almost every way, are in fact capable of doing something worthwhile other than leaving you money when they die. This woman made me smile. And that’s not something that’s easily done.

Thank you, madam. Godspeed. I hope we didn’t give you food poisoning.

xxxxx

Quick site note: I've heard both good and bad about the black background that I had up for a while. So, I’m trying this one right now...it's a bit easier to read. I’ll figure it out eventually. Thanks for stopping by, as always.

Catcher -- Alex Avila will be back, but Gerald Laird can be a free agent. He's making $3.95 million this year and still has a chance to interest the Tigers in bringing him back,

/promises to hang self if they do

but it's doubtful they would commit for more than a season to him -- and at this point, even that is far from likely.

Avila has won the job. He even looks better defensively than Laird does on most days. G’s a nice guy (when his family’s not around), but I’m sick of nice guys that can’t hit a baseball playing for the Tigers.

There’s a plethora of experienced catchers in the 2011 free agency class that could be decent, cheap backups for Avila. Rod Barajas, Josh Bard, John Buck, Toby Hall, and Bengie Molina stand out. And if you want to be greedy, Victor Martinez is a free agent. So is AJ Pierzynski, but I don’t think my heart could stand that.

First base -- Miguel Cabrera will be in the second season next year of the most lucrative portion of his contract. He moved up from $15 million to $20 million this season -- and stays at $20 million next year.

Whatever they give him, he is underpaid.

Second base -- There's no reason to think it won't be Carlos Guillen again at $13 million. But 2011 is the last year of his contract.

There’s no reason to think that Carlos won’t shatter his fibula rounding second base any time now. He is the sole remaining horrible contract remaining on this team for 2011, but has tremendous upside if he stays healthy and quits throwing side-armed. Don’t touch him with a ten foot pole in 2012, though.

Shortstop -- A position that will have to be addressed. The Tigers have never believed that Ramon Santiago is an everyday player and the jury will remain out about Danny Worth for quite a while.

No, I’m pretty sure the jury got back a while ago on that one. Worth is guilty of sucking at hitting a baseball. I don’t know where Double D has this factory producing scrappy, boring, white kids that can’t hit, but it needs to be destroyed immediately.

Trouble is, there isn’t one free agent shortstop next year that I would want playing for the Tigers, with the exceptions of Derek Jeter and Jose Reyes. And you know they’re not going anywhere. (Jeter is God in Yankeeland and the Mets have an option on Reyes.)

I’m still holding out hope for a trade for Arizona’s Stephen Drew.

Third base -- This could be the most interesting, and most talked about, uncertainty throughout the rest of this year and into the offseason -- unless, that is, the Tigers make it a moot point sooner than that.

Remember the backlash of trading Curtis Granderson? That will be nothing if the Tigers don’t re-sign Detroit’s favorite retarded son, Brandon Inge.

Brandon Inge is in the final year of his contract at $6.6 million. He's basically been at that salary for three years, bumping up from $6.2 million in 2008 to $6.3 million last year. Small increments, in other words.

Also overpaid. Inge is getting older and has showed little to no signs of getting better at the plate. Yes, he plays good defense, but not good enough to justify $6 million+ a year.

What if the Tigers were to offer him a two-year extension for $14.5 million right now?

I would go on a drinking binge that would probably end my life.

Would he be interested?

I friggin’ hope so. No one in their right mind would offer him that with his injury issues, declining range in the field, and lack of production.

He'd have to be. But would they be interested in such a contract? Possibly.

You don’t know anything, do you? Start hanging out with Henning. He knows everything. Just ask him, he’ll tell you.

For one thing, $7 million for 2011 and $7.5 million for 2012 wouldn't break the bank,

No, but it would cause it to tremble a bit. Why not just give Don Kelly $5 million while you’re at it. He doesn’t deserve it, but heck…it won’t break the bank.

It doesn't look like a strong upcoming field of free-agent third basemen -- in fact, not strong at all -- so the chances of Inge returning are enhanced by that.

It’s not great, but it’s a lot better than the shortstop class, especially if some options aren’t picked up. Adrian Beltre’s will probably be picked up in Boston…it’s pretty low for as well as he’s playing. Aramis Ramirez would look good as a Tiger, and I doubt that Chicago will pick up his $14.6 million option (but I could be wrong, maybe, possibly, etc…). Eric Chavez will be out there, but he’s an injury time bomb. Bill Hall used to be good. Ditto for Mike Lowell. Jhonny Peralta, Ty Wigginton, and Miguel Tejada are other options.

But there are trade possibilities as well.

Which you aren’t going to go into or give examples of? Why bring it up?

At this point, however, it seems marginally more likely than not that Inge will remain a Tiger.

If they give him more than one year at $6 million again, I will burn down the Fox Theater as a warning to quit pissing me off.

Outfield

Johnny Damon will probably move on to another team. What he does in the second half could change that, but no matter what he contributes, it seems unlikely at this point -- considering his base of $8 million -- that he would be back.

He might be gone, but he could be back. I feel like I dialed a psychic hotline.

But yeah, with the emergence of Killer B, I doubt Johnny will be back unless he’s willing to take $3 million a year.

Austin Jackson and Brennan Boesch still will be in the infancy of their major league careers, of course, so no changes there.

Agreed. Unless Dave goes crazy and deals one of them with prospects for Cliff Lee. If he does, I’m becoming a Blue Jays fan. (Shut up, Jen.)

Magglio Ordonez 's option for next year will kick in (unceremoniously for a change) in the second half. But it's for $15 million instead of the $18 million he's making this year. It's also the last option year of his contract.

Had to get in a shot on Maggs there, didn’t you? I don’t know why anyone would want to play in Detroit. The “legit” media is so negative here. At least my snarky comments are meant as humor. Do you guys even like baseball anymore?

Pitching

Jeremy Bonderman , at $12.5 million, is in the final year of his contract, and while he's been pitching well, he's won only three games.

Grr…that’s the worst argument you could make. Yes, it’s Bondo’s fault when the inept offense can’t score runs. Die in a dumpster fire.

This is a future that's even tougher to call than Inge's.

No it’s not. Not by a long shot. Brandon Inge, while not my favorite Tiger, is beloved by the city and there would be an outrage if a decent attempt is not made at keeping him around. If the Tigers say bye-bye to Bondo, no one would blink an eye. He’s been an underachiever his entire career in Detroit (when not hurt) and his inability to learn a third pitch or carry on even one intelligent conversation with anyone does not justify his huge salary. Offer him market range for a 4th starter and if he doesn’t like it, he can go pitch in Arizona with the other castoffs.

Neither Max Scherzer nor Armando Galarraga is signed for 2011, either. But neither one can be a free agent.

Max is going to be in this rotation for a long time. Armando’s 15 minutes of fame are up and if he can be traded for anything of value, I say do it ASAP.

Justin Verlander , meanwhile, starts taking huge salary leaps: Up from $6.75 million this year to $12.75 million next year, en route to $20 million in 2012 and for the two years after that, as well.

Hooray for JV!

...

Wait. That’s it? Not going to touch on Porcello? No mention of the bullpen? What about the bench guys? You lied to me, Tom Gage. That’s okay. I’ll take it from here.

A big problem with the 2010 Tigers has been the lack of hitting off the bench. With no Marcus Thames to pinch hit late in games, the Tigers have been stuck with letting guys like Danny Worth and Gerald Laird pinch hit. That is just sad. Money should be there to sign an experienced role player like Gabe Kapler, Eric Hinske, Reed Johnson, etc. Or, they could go with one of the kids again. Who knows? But guys like Worth and Kelly coming off the bench is not helping anyone on offense.

The pen is young and won’t be going anywhere. Only Bobby Seay is a free agent next year and the team has shown that they don’t need him anymore. The one thing the Tigers organization does have is a deep pool of talented relievers in the majors and minors, so we should be set, especially with The Big Potato signed as the anchor for next year already.

Kid Rick will be fine. He’s done well in Toledo and will be back with the team soon. But with all the big money available to Dombrowski in the off season, I expect him to try and land another big free agent starter. Erik Bedard, Bronson Arroyo, Jon Garland, Rich Harden, Jeff Francis, Aaron Harang, Cliff Lee, Ted Lilly, Kevin Millwood, Carl Pavano, Ben Sheets, Chris Young, and Brandon Webb are just some of the names that will be looking for new deals next year (some do have option issues).

Last night in game against the Twins, Joel Zumaya threw a pitch to Michael Cuddyer and reacted like he had been shot. Word is, he has a non-displaced fracture in his elbow and will miss the rest of the season.

What a shame. Joel has continued to play Matt Anderson and battle arm injuries over and over, but unlike Anderson, come back to be a dominating setup man for the club. This year, he was a border-line All-Star pick going 2-1 with a 2.58 ERA, 1.12 WHIP, and 34 strikeouts in 38.1 innings.

The Tigers have recalled Casey Fien, the man that no one in baseball seemed to want for more than a week this spring, to replace him. Fien has put up an ERA of 2.29 in 39 innings at Toledo this year. We can only hope that he finds that level of success with the big club, unlike recent call up Jay Sborz, who found nothing but suck.

In a post-game interview last night, Phil Coke was putting the blame on himself for not getting the job done leading to Jim Leyland putting Zoom in an inning earlier than he would have liked to. Poor Phil. It’s not your fault. If you’re going to blame someone, let’s look at the suspects.

Jim Leyland: Has Jim overused Zumaya this year with his history of arm trouble? Did he play Captain Hook too early on Coke with Jim Thome on deck after Cuddyer?

Joel Zumaya: Was Zoom hiding any pain in his arm leading up to this? Has he not learned to be cautious with his million dollar arm at this point?

Joe Mauer’s Sideburns: The evil voodoo in Mauer’s 90210 facial hair has doomed the Tigers for a while now. Is this another case of Mauer’s evil hurting our beloved Bengals of D-Town?

Bad Luck: Our team is cursed more than any team not named the Cubs.

Perhaps it’s a combination of all of those things. I don’t know. What I do know is that someone, be it Ryan Perry when he returns, Mark Schlereth if he gets a call up, or maybe even Mr. Fien needs to emerge as a reliable set up guy for Jose Valverde if these Tigers are going to continue to be front runners in 2010.

As for Zoom…wow. I’ve always liked Joel and I hope this isn’t the end for him. He had a heck of a year going this season and I hope we haven’t seen the last of the 100mph heaters he has thrilled us with. Until then, Joel, take it easy and don’t beat yourself up.I said take it easy! Yikes…

Most folk know there is a bit of rivalry between England and Scotland (especially at the football) and this appeals to my 'Scottish' tickle bone, so enjoy ...

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As usual, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime approached, she would prepared theirlunch and carried it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived. 'Hello... Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hellooo!'

For a long while, there was no answer, losing hope Snow White again shouted.... 'Hello! Is anyone down there?' Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing; "ENGLAND FOR THE WORLD CUP" Snow White fell to her knees and prayed... 'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive....... hehehehe....

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Do you believe in UFO's and Black Holes etc.. Have a look at this !

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

I found a penny todayJust laying on the groundBut it’s not just a pennyThis little coin I’ve found.

Found pennies come from HeavenThat’s what my Grandpa told me,He said, “Angels toss them down.”Oh, how I loved that story.

He said, “When an angel misses youThey toss a penny down,Sometimes just to cheer you upTo make a smile out of your frown.”

We all have angels looking over us,no matter how young or old we might be.Maybe that penny laying on the floorwas put there specially.

So don’t pass by that pennyWhen you’re feeling blue,It may be a penny from HeavenThat an Angel tossed to you.

Now pass this on to people you care aboutAnd who 'you' feel are Angels to you -I just did...An Angel is now watching over you.

Bear with me, kids, but this has been building inside of me for a while. When I’m not doing my usual “Jo Jo the Idiot Circus Monkey” schlong joke jamboree here at the DNR, I usually try to give an opinion that is honest, but perhaps not the general consensus of other Tiger fans I read and/or I talk to.

For example, I was pro-Gary Sheffield when not many were due to his high OBP and will to win. I was very much in favor of signing Jose Valverde when most were not. I’m of the opinion that Brandon Inge may possibly be the bloody antichrist while the majority of Tigerland wants a statue of him built in left field at Comerica Park. I even wanted Josh Anderson to be a starter, thinking he was going to morph into some sort of 1980’s Vince Coleman-type player. I’m not always right. (Don’t tell anyone.) But the point is, I try not to be anything close to cliché over here.

But I’m kind of about to be in this piece. Again, stick with me on this, if you will.

It is very cliché for a baseball fan to rag on the manager of his team. “He’s an idiot.” “Fire the bum.” “Heck, I could do a better job running the team than this clown.”

You can read comments like that after every article dealing with the Tigers over at tigers.com, the Freep, or the Detroit News site. Baseball fans always think they are smarter than the manager, no matter which club they’re a fan of. Second guessing the skipper has become an art form in today’s sports viewing with ESPN’s talking heads, instant replay, and of course, the internet becoming more and more prominent. Being a manager is a thankless job that one would have to be a little bit crazy to want to do in the first place. Look at Joe Torre, for crissakes. All the guy did in New York was win and it still wasn’t enough for them.

But screw Torre. This is a Tigers blog. And I am frigging sick and tired of Jim Leyland and how he runs the Detroit Tigers baseball team. At times, I even hate him more than Don Kelly. (I know!)

The icing on the cake for me, for whatever reason, was in the series finale against the Mets on Thursday. I can’t quite remember how it came up, but Mario and Rod were talking about stats, computer printouts, and whatnot. Then they said that Leyland wasn’t into any of that. They commented that at most, he’ll have one piece of paper that he’s written things on. Mario even noted that Jim’s seems proud that he “doesn’t even know how to turn on a computer.”

It is 2010, kids. Our manager is proud of the fact that he doesn’t know how to take advantage of information that might make his team better. He brags about being stuck in his ways. He continues to hurt the team when a regular player is hurt by just subbing a Quad-A player in the starter’s normal spot in the batting order, whether it’s Don Kelly leading off or Ryan Raburn hitting third. Mother of God, the most inept hitting player on the team, Gerald Laird, was second in the lineup the other day. What the fudge, man? It is ridiculous to me.

How many games did Jim cost us by stubbornly batting .230 hitter extraordinaire, Clete Thomas, third in the batting order last year? How many ballgames this season have been lost by his decision to bring make Dontrelle Willis the #5 starter over Our Hero, Nate Robertson or maybe Eddie Bonine? Exactly how long was he planning on leaving a gassed Fernando Rodney in there during the infamous Game 163? Why was Figaro starting the most important game of the year (at the time) last year and Polanco getting a day off the final week of the season when we needed him most? When exactly is he going to have a talk with Carlos Guillen about throwing, whether it be to the wrong base twice in the same game from left field against KC earlier this year, or throwing sidearm at second base and pulling Miguel Cabrera off the bag multiple times this month? (Apologies for the run-on sentence…I get worked up.)

I could go on and on. I’m just frustrated and fed up with The Marlboro Man’s antics. I’d like to see the Tigers follow the modern trends that are being followed in running the teams in Oakland, Toronto, and Boston, for example. Maybe I just picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

Big Al over at Bless You Boys wrote a good piece complaining about Jimbo’s lineups on Wednesday and brought up how great Jim is a managing the clubhouse. I agree 100% with him on that. Jim’s great at keeping players happy and his handling of the Jim Joyce/Armando Galarraga saga was perfect. Bravo, Mr. Leyland on that stuff.

But f-ck team chemistry. I give two slaps of a fat chick’s ass if the Tigers are a happy group and like each other. I want them to win baseball games. I want them to not continue to wilt under pressure late in the season. I want my manager to give the team their best chance at winning each and every time they trot onto the field. And batting Don F'n Kelly leadoff is not doing anything close to that.

I’ve always been one to think that a baseball manager does not win games for his team. But he sure as hell can do his part in losing them with his decisions. In 2,917 MLB games as manager, Leyland is 1,450-1,467…that’s a winning percentage of .497. With the exception of a piss poor Colorado Rockies team in 1999, Jim’s had pretty good baseball teams over the years in Pittsburgh, Florida, and Detroit and is still under the .500 mark. Yes, he won a World Series with Florida in 1997. But that Marlins team was so overloaded with superstars that even the Yankees would have blushed about it. A chimp could have taken them to the Series.

But I’m pretty sure that I’m not. I have zero confidence that Jim Leyland can lead the Tigers to the promised land. He got involved in a perfect storm in 2006 and I’ll be forever grateful to that team for the memories up until the World Series collapse against an inferior Cardinals team. But I don’t see it happening again. I just continue to see this team lose game after game where if we had a manager with even a minor interest in taking a look at the numbers that are readily available to him, to quit being so stubborn in his ways that have led him to a career losing record, to just use some f-cking common sense once in a while…

Sorry, Jim. I really, really hope that I’m wrong. You’re a nice guy. You’re a class act. You give some interesting as hell interviews when you’re in the mood. You don’t want to hear any weak sh-t from Jason Grilli. Amen!

But enough’s enough. It’s time for a change.

We are watching Detroit Tigers baseball at a very special time. Do you folks realize and appreciate that? Right now, we have arguably both the best hitter (Miguel Cabrera) and best starting pitcher (Justin Verlander) in Tiger history playing on the same team in the primes of their careers. (All due respect to Cobb, Kaline, Greenberg, Lolich, Morris, etc.) We have experienced supporting superstars in Johnny Damon and Magglio Ordonez that are more than capable of pulling their weight. We have two of the most promising young players in Austin Jackson and Brennan Boesch that I’ve seen come up as rookies in recent memory. We have the youngest pitching staff in the majors and these kids can throw...and more are on the way! We have an owner that is willing to spend cash to the point that he was the only owner to lose money in MLB last season...and he was cool with that. He just wants to win.

And in 2011, all of the pieces will be available for the Tigers to make their most legitimate run at a World Series since I started watching baseball in 1985. Most of the bad contracts will finally be gone, the kids will have a year of experience under their belts, and if we’re lucky, Joe Mauer will have died of AIDS by then. (Pray with me.)

But I ask you, one more time, is Jim Leyland the man that you want to see running the show again?

Tonight, our Jeckyll and Hyde Detroit Tigers are trying to avoid being swept by the red-headed stepchild of New York baseball teams, the Mets. Armando Galarraga’s 15 minutes of fame over his imperfect game is about up as he takes the mound for D-Town. The Mets counter with Hisanori Takahashi. Armando Galarraga vs. Hisanori Takahashi? This may be a major league record for the longest names facing each other as starting pitchers. As Casey Stengel said, “You could look it up.” But I don’t have time for that…I’m Keeping Score.

/apologies for the cheesy intro

TOP OF THE FIRST

-Will someone please tell Rod Allen that his new glasses make him look like Steve Urkel? It’s been bothering me for a week.

-Mario says it’s a “sultry” night in New York. Sexy, Mario. Sexy.

-Takahashi has an ERA under 1.00 against AL teams. We’re either going to beat up on him or get shut out. There never seems to be any in-between.

-Austin Jackson leads off, barely still over .300. The count goes full and AJax draws the walk. Nice start.

-Batting second is Ryan Raburn? Sigh. Oh well, at least he’s not third. F-ck you, Jim Leyland. I kid…I’m still on Raburn’s side. Unlike you jerks that have all jumped ship on him. He started slow last year, too…remember that.

-Raburn singles to left on an 0-2 pitch to make me look good. Good boy, Ryan.

-Future All-Star snub, Magglio Ordonez is up. He strikes out on a pitch in the dirt, but AJax and Raburn pull off a double steal. Second and third, one out.

-And here comes Big Mig. Argh…he’s swinging at crap in the dirt, too. It’s quickly 0-2. But Cabrera recovers to take one to the warning track…AJax and Raburn tag up and Jackson scores.

TIGERS: 1, METS: 0

-Two down for Brennan Boesch, the one-man crime spree. Yes, I’m still working on a nickname that I enjoy for him.

-Boesch pops up to end the inning.

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST

-RANDOM COMMERCIAL NOTE: I hope that whoever is in charge of making the Little Caesars commercials is one day eaten by sharks. So annoying…every damn one of them.

-Oh, no. Armando shaved his stubble. He looks like a lesbian again.

-Jose Reyes leads off. I made the comment yesterday that I would burn down an orphanage if it meant the Tigers somehow acquiring him. I stand by that statement.

-Reyes has cool looking cornrows. Jeff Larish and especially Will Rhymes do not.

-Armando loses this attempt at a perfecto by walking Jose. Blame the ump!

-Jesus Feliciano is up next. Mario said he has spent 12 years in the minors before getting the call up. Leyland would have him hitting cleanup.

-He pops out to Worthless at short. One down.

-David Wright, the Jeter of the Mets, steps in. He leads the NL in RBI, says Mario. Not this time, as he pops out to Raburn who somehow manages not to drop it. Two outs.

-Ike Davis is the cleanup hitter for the Mets. Davis has been more like Ike Turner lately, beating the hell out of the baseball. I’m sorry.

-Fly ball to center…AJax makes it look harder than it should have been, but three are down. 6-7-and 8 are coming up for Detroit. Where are my Rolaids?

More fun ‘n’ games after the jump…

TOP OF THE SECOND

-Special Little Guy is the leadoff man. He’s up to .263 and they tell us that Brandon’s knees still aren’t 100%. I’m sure that’s why the bastard still can’t hit a breaking ball.

-Reyes with a diving catch, the throw…SAFE! Wow…we got a break there. Brandon was out by a step. Armando’s laughing his dick off in the dugout at Takahashi…not really. Class act, that Armando.

-Holy crap, Worth takes one to the wall for a double. Brandon and his gimpy knees stop at third.

-Argh, stupid NL rules. Armando is up with two guys in scoring position. He looks Inge-tastic swinging and missing at the first two pitches by a mile. Plus his batting helmet doesn’t fit and keeps falling in his eyes. That’s just too funny.

-Strike three looking. Two down.

-AJax is up in need of a big hit. Instead, he takes a big sh-t and lines out to first. Damon should be starting when we’re in this tight of a race…not Jackson. Again, stupid NL rules. I hate interleague when we’re not playing Pittsburgh or Washington at home.

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND

-Jason Bay starts it for the Mets. He’s been quite the waste of cash for NY so far. He flies out to center.

-Henry Blanco is up with two down. I’m not sure, but I believe Blanco is 75 years old. Oops, Mario says he’s only 38…my bad. Blanco pops out to Worth, inning over.

TOP OF THE THIRD

-They show Justin Verlander in the dugout talking to Don Kelly. No, Justin! Get away! He’ll get some of his suck on you!

-Raburn leads off. Raburn’s tongue is hanging out…can’t we get him a mouthpiece?

-Rod is talking about guys on Leyland’s staffs that have gone on to manage and says that McClendon will get another shot at managing someday. If it’s in Detroit, I’m going to hang myself 10 minutes after the announcement.

-Full count to Ryan….draws the walk. See, people? Ryan’s not as terrible as you say he is.

-Inge is up. He loses his grip and the bat goes flying into the crowd. Hey, Brandon’s letting the old guy that caught it keep the bat. How nice. Brandon walks.

-First and second, one out, but it doesn’t matter. We’re at the Laird, Worth, Galarraga portion of our lineup. So, I’m going to close my eyes and hum “One” by Metallica until the inning is over.

-Laird grounds into a double play. Of course he does. F-CKING RELEASE HIM!

BOTTOM OF THE THIRD

-Ruben Tejada leads off. Never heard of him. Then again, I watch approximately one NL game per year, if I’m lucky.

-Mario says the Mets have a boatload of good shortstop prospects. That must be nice.

-Tejada flies out to right. One down.

-The Twins lost again! God bless Prince Fielder’s fat ass! How is he so big without eating meat?

-Takahashi is up. He grounds out to Worth…that was close. Luckily, Jim Joyce isn’t working this game. Harf.

-Reyes is up and I imagine we’ll walk him again. It’s safer that way.

-The first four pitches have been balls, but Jose has swung and missed at two of them. He ends up popping out to Worth who calls off Inge at the last second. That almost got ugly.

-Three innings…no hits. Armando couldn’t possibly…naw.

TOP OF THE FOURTH

-Worthless leads off for the Tigers. I may be being too hard on Danny. No, I’m right. He pops out to center.

-Armando’s up. They still haven’t given him a batting helmet that fits. Is this a joke that we’re not in on? Oh well, strike three.

-Two down for Austin. He strikes out looking. Nothing to see here.

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH

-The Mets send Feliciano up to lead off the 4th. Dammit, Boesch completely Raburns up a fly ball hit to him and Feliciano has a feliz navidad and gets a double. Goodbye, no-hitter. Don’t blame me, please.

-David Wright’s up. He singles to left and the runner stops at third. Not a good start to the inning here, to say the least.

-3-2 count on Boesch. Ball four on a borderline pitch. Bases loaded and the 35 year old rookie from Tokyo will be done for today.

-Elmer Dessens is apparently still alive and enters the game for the Mets.

-There’s a double switch and Chris Carter is in right field. Who the f-ck is Chris Carter?

-Rod tells us that 6 of the 7 runners that Dessens has inherited this year have scored. Good. Bring him in with the bases loaded. Did Leyland make this call?

-Inge has a 3-1 count…sit on the fastball, dummy. Way inside, ball four. Run scores.

TIGERS: 5, METS: 1

-Dammit, Laird’s up. If he hits into a double play, I’m killing a puppy.

-Laird hits a pop up to short right, one down. Too shallow to score the run. I hate him more than childhood cancer.

-Worth is up with Armando on deck. C’mon, Danny. This at bat will decide your fate with me here at the DNR. Will I want you dead like Don Kelly or somehow find excuses for everything you do wrong like I did for Josh Anderson? Make your choice.

-Double play ball…Worth beats the throw! Two down, but an RBI. We’ll call it a stalemate for now, Danny. At least you didn’t K.

TIGERS: 6, METS: 1

-Armando is up to strike out. Make it quick, kid. Yup. Strike three. NL style baseball is stupid.

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH

-Henry Blanco leads off the fifth for NY. He grounds out to Inge to start the inning.

-Tejada’s next. He taps back to Armando for the second out. Excellent.

-Chris Carter is up for his first at bat. He flies out to Boesch to end the inning. Brennan looks so awkward out there, still.

TOP OF THE SIXTH

-RANDOM COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: These “kaboom” Arby’s commercials are so f’n annoying , that I think they were come up with by the same jackoff think tank that Ilitch has making his Little Caesars ones.

-Top of the order for Detroit to start it off. AJax quickly grounds out to second.

-Raburn singles to center. Sweet. I’m done gloating.

-Rod says that Boesch’s hot bat has kept Don Kelly out of the lineup. Boesch immediately becomes one of my top five favorite players of all time.

-Magglio hits into a double play. Yeah, he does that from time to time.

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH

-Ramon Santiago takes over at second for Raburn. Obviously, Leyland was worried that we were going to score too many runs today and should get the hot bat out of the game. Is Santiago’s defense really going to be a difference maker in a five run game? Sometimes, I secretly suspect that Jim is on the Twins’ payroll.

-Reyes draws a walk to lead off the inning.

-The White Sox have won nine straight. That makes me sick to my stomach. At least I respect the Twins.

-Feliciano singles to right and Reyes takes third. We’d better get Coke or somebody up.

-David Wright is next. He continues the hit parade with an RBI double to left field.

TIGERS: 6, METS: 2

-Second and third for Davis as Rick Knapp comes out to stall for time. Thomas and Bonine are throwing in the pen. Why hasn’t Thomas been DFA’d yet?

-Ike fouls one off of Laird’s face. Sadly, G-Money is fine.

-Davis somehow takes a ball a foot inside and grounds out to short. Run scores.

TIGERS: 6, METS: 3

-Jason Bay bloops a single to center and AJax almost throws Wright out at home…but he doesn’t. This sucks. Didn’t matter…Laird dropped the throw and wasn’t blocking the plate properly, anyhow. Avila would have caught it.

TIGERS: 6, METS: 4

-Armando skips one up there and Bay has a brain fart. Laird throws him out as he runs into an easy play. Two down.

-Whoever pinch hit for the pitcher flied out to end the inning. Typing in real time isn’t as easy as you think it is, dammit.

TOP OF THE SEVENTH

-RANDOM COMMERCIAL NOTE: If you’re in my viewing area, you get a local spot for Sidelines Sports Eatery. At the end of the commercial, there’s a blonde with huge fake boobs. I have given her jobs at three places now so I take credit for paying for those bad boys. And yes, they’re magnificent. Ha. Come in and visit.

-Now that I’ve gotten being a pig out of the way, Miggy Smalls will start off the 7th against Bobby Parnell, the new Mets pitcher. He strikes out.

-Das Wonder Boeschen comes up next. Brennan goes the other way (!) and singles to left. Is there anything he can’t do (other than play defense)?

-Binge is up with a single and two walks tonight. What’s up with that? Trying to make it hard to pick on you, little buddy?

-Two down for Laird. He strikes out. Didn’t see that one coming. Sigh.

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH

-Fast Eddie Bonine’s in the game for Detroit. He’s continued to have a career year in 2010 and just had a baby boy the other day. Congrats, Eddie! Horrible name choice, though. Braden? Should’ve gone with Brennan.

-Runner on first for Carter. Rod brings up Game 163 and Inge’s non hit batter call just to open an old wound. Be quiet, Urkel! Now I know how Laura felt.

-Eddie throws one to the backstop that Laird should have blocked. Runner advances to second. Urge to kill…rising.

-Phil Coke is throwing in the pen now as Carter singles to right and the run scores. F-ck.

TIGERS: 6, METS: 5

-Jose Reyes is up and pops up to left…it falls in! Dammit, why was Boesch playing so deep? Ugh.

-First and second, one out, and it looks like Bonine’s going to be done. Double switch time. Coke’s coming in to pitch…no word on the other change.

-Today’s pain in the ass, Jesus Feliciano, is up. Avila’s catching now to complete the double switch. We really need a double play ball.

-Slow roller…Santiago double pumps, infield single. Good defensive sub, Jim. That should have been an out. Great, Wright is coming up now. And Coke’s staying in?

/deep breath

-Rod says Leyland doesn’t want to watch as the count reaches 2-0. You mean he actually watches the games at other times?

-Coke comes back and gets a BIG strikeout on the NL RBI leader. Welcome back to New York, Phil. Shove it up their ass. One more to go.

-Ike Davis is up for the Mets with two down and the bases loaded. He’s killing lefties, but Jim keeps Coke in. Ike hits it deep…but AJax tracks it down. Phew, inning over. I’m going to have a heart attack.

TOP OF THE EIGHTH

-Ryota Igarashi is the new Met pitcher. Danny Worth leads off for Detroit. If he swings at anything before getting two strikes, I’m going to riot. Igarashi has a lot of walks.

-Worth flies out on what have been the third straight ball and makes me want his head on the end of a spear. One out. It’s called a take sign, Jim. Give it once in a while.

-Avila comes up for his first at bat. Alex swings at 3-1 on what would have been ball four. Grrrr…

-Ball four, anyway. Hooray, a baserunner!

-AJax is up and really needs a hit. Like a fat kid needs cake. But he’s quickly down 0-2 and looks lost up there. This is not good.

-Strike three looking. Sigh.

-Two down for Little Ramon as Joel Zumaya throws in the bullpen. Ramon strikes out on a fastball right down the middle that Raburn probably would have hit 400 feet. End of inning.

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH

-Zoom’s in the game to face Jason Bay. Bay takes one to the warning track, but Magglio pulls it in. One down.

-Fernando Tatis is up to pinch hit for the pitcher. Tatis is another Met that I believe is in his 70’s. Is Julio Franco still around, too? He quickly grounds out to Worth.

-Blanco singles to center to extend Tiger fan suffering a bit more.

-Ruben Tejada flies to left…drops in front of Boesch playing too deep again. Dude! It’s Ruben f’n Tejada! Why are you so deep? First and second, two outs, and I think I have a bleeding ulcer.

-Carter hits a fly ball…to left, of course, but Mr. Boesch pulls this one in to my amazement.

TOP OF THE NINTH

-Fernando Nieve is the new Met pitcher facing Maggs. Ordonez hits a four foot ground ball and the catcher throws him out.

-Big Mig steps up and promptly singles to right.

-A new pitcher will be coming in to face Boesch. Pedro Feliciano is in. Another Feliciano?

-Brennan greets him with a bullet down the left field line! They stop Magglio at third and Boesch has a double! Higgy 2.0 is my hero.

-Second and third and they’re going to intentionally walk Inge to my amusement. Carlos Guillen will hit for Zumaya with the bases loaded, one out.

I got this in an email from my Brother in law who had heard about the latest scam operating here in the U.K. at the moment - be warned ......

Just received a call from a 'representative' of BT, (British Telecom) informing me that he was dis-connecting me because of an unpaid bill. He demanded payment immediately of £31.00, or it would be £ 118.00 to re-connect at a later date. The guy wasn't even stopped when I told him I was with Talktalk, allegedly Talktalk have to pay BT a percentage for line rental! I asked his name - he gave me the very 'English' John Peacock with a very 'African' accent - and phone number - 0800 0800 152 0800 0800 152 .

Obviously the fellow realized I didn't believe his story, so offered to demonstrate that he was from BT. I asked how & he told me to hang up & try phoning someone - he would dis-connect my phone to prevent this. AND HE DID !! My phone was dead - no engaged tone, nothing - until he phoned me again.

Very pleased with himself, he asked if that was enough proof that he was with BT. I asked how the payment was to be made & he said credit card, there & then. I said that I didn't know how he'd done it, but I had absolutely no intention of paying him, I didn't believe his name or that he worked for BT.

He hung up. I Dialled 1471 and phoned his fictitious 0800 number - which was not recognised. I then phoned the police to let them know. I wasn't the first! It's only just started apparently, but it is escalating. Their advice was to let as many people as possible know of this scam. The fact that the phone does go off would probably convince some people it's real, so please make as many friends and family aware of this.

Blethers ...

Changing tack a whean ... I'm definitely going doolally ! I got a letter recently from my dentist on Saturday about missing an appointment and advising me that I had now a fine of £20 to pay because I had missed it! Stupid bat that I am - somehow I had misunderstood the date of said appointment and had thought it was on the same date as Rob's last one and when I had spoken to the dentist that day he told me I was mistaken. Instead of checking with the receptionist that day I had just forgot about it - put it down to old age ! Rob and I called at the dentist yesterday where I was relieved of the said £20 and was given another appointment arrghhh !

After my loss of the twenty quid, Rob and I went awandering round the shops and one of the charity shops had a second hand (but A1 condition) dishwasher (small version which does an 6 person setting). Have I mentioned before that I had had a dishwasher in the dim and distant past and ended up including it in the sale of our last house?? ( I did ) sob sob ... and have I missed it ?? too darn right I have - anyway, the shop were charging £50 for it and so Rob and I ended up taking it home to our house pronto where our next door neighbour was helpful enough with his Dad to actually lift it up into our flat soooooo..... roll on having a dishwasher and cleared work surfaces in my kitchen someday soon - Yeehah! I can't wait...

I found this video recently and thought it was hilarious - if you can understand it I hope you will also get a laugh !

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.""What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?""Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable."Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose."

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

"The Catholic type supports the masses.The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, andThe Baptist makes mountains out of molehills.Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!{A} Almost Boobs...{B} Barely there.{C} Can't Complain!{D} Dang!{DD} Double dang!{E} Enormous!{F} Fake{G} Get a Reduction.{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks."No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!""Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer."Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband."Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark."Where are you?asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

DISNEYLANDTwo blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

CAR TROUBLEA blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburettor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

KNITTINGA highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUNA Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUMA blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said,'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Like many of you, I get attached to the millionaires playing baseball on my TV screen for the Tigers. And I like to keep tabs on them when they move on to other teams. But one thing I haven't done on here is look through the AAA leagues at some guys that played for us and are trying to make it back to the show. So here's some ex-Tigers that I found playing in AAA ball and what they've done this year. Mud Hen guys aren't included.International League

Notes: I wish someone would overlook Hessman's early-30's age and give him a shot. The guy has freakish strength and did well in the majors the last time the Tigers gave him a look. In fact, I wish we would have gave him a shot last season at 3B when Brandon's knees were falling apart. As it stands, I believe he is the current leader in career minor league homers, at least among active players. Also, it's good to see that Mike Maroth is still alive. Poor guy was a sacrificial lamb for us. And Dane Sardinha is the only player I dislike more than Don Kelly.

Notes: How does Dusty have four dingers and only hit .123? I wish Luke "The Tickler" French was still around...screw you, Washburn. Josh Anderson continues to move around. Guess I was wrong about him...I thought he had something. And as always, I love Timo Perez.

" She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in still sleepy... she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then I gave it my all - right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards - she said, "Thanks," and then she returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"She explained - "Well, you see - the egg timer is broken"... Uh ohhh!"

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

If Why and What ...More ambiguous 'English' statements ...1) IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?2) CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?3) IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?4) WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?5) . HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?6) WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?7) ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.8) DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?9) DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?10) HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?11) IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?12) IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?13) IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?14) WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?15) WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS" ?16) WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?17) WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?18) IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?19) CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

If you weren’t here for the first attempt at this, here you go. If you’re going to rip off someone, rip off the best. Johnny Carson ruled. On we go…

Ladies and gentlemen, it is once again time for a visit from the great stranger from the East. Heaven has no star brighter than our guest, Eddie Bonine’s personal knuckleball coach…I give you Rogo-nac, the Tremendous!

/Rogo-nac enters and trips on the stage.

Are you okay, mighty sage?

I’m fine, you idiot. Let’s not waste any more time.

Indeed, good sir. I hold in my hand a pile of envelopes. A child of four can see that they are hermetically sealed and have been kept hidden within Rick Knapp’s scouting reports on Minnesota Twin hitters, where no one would possibly look for or find them. We now ask you, oh great Rogo-nac, to use your divine powers to give the answer before opening the envelope and reading the question. Are you ready?

I am.

Hermetically sealed…

Yes.

In Rick Knapp’s Minnesota scouting reports…

If such things exist. Please, give me the first envelope.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first envelope!

Rogo-nac must have complete silence.

Most times, Rogo-nac gets nothing but complete silence.

May Jim Joyce hail from your home town.

Ho, ho, ho…

/puts envelope to forehead

Tom Brady, Big Ben, and Don Kelly batting third.

Brady, Big Ben, and Kelly third…yes sir…

/rip…poof

Name a jock, a clock, and a crock.

HA, HA, HA…a brilliant start, sir!

/puts envelope to forehead

Catch-22.

CATCH…22.

/rip…poof

What does Ryan Raburn do with 100 fly balls?

HOHOHO…he’s a terrible fielder. Yes. Next one, great one.

/puts envelope to forehead

Mark Fidrych, Kurt from Bless You Boys, and Danny Worth.

Be careful…

/rip…poof

Name “The Bird”, a soccer nerd, and a useless turd.

Ha, ha, ha…so sorry, Kurt. He doesn’t mean it.

May Brandon Inge pick out a tattoo for you.

/puts envelope to forehead

Arabia.

Arabia?

/rip…poof

What did Fu-Te Ni say his favorite part of a woman is?

HIYOOOO! A labia! Brilliant, awesome one. But no more border line racism today, please?

May a fellow blogger send you a picture of her feet.

Haha…

More brilliance after the jump...

/puts envelope to forehead

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and Johnny Damon’s wife.

Uh oh…

/rip…poof

Name three things that have yeast.

HOHOHOHO…still upset over the “cosmopolitan” comment, I see. So bitter, great one.

May Jim Leyland pinch hit for your favorite player with Gerald Laird.

/puts envelope to forehead

Austin Jackson.

Austin…Jackson. Great talent.

/rip…poof

Name a crippled wrestler and a dead child molester.

Yowza! Steve Austin and Michael Jackson…ha ha…so wrong.

/puts envelope to forehead

A potato, Brad Pitt, and Brad Thomas.

A potato, Brad Pitt…and Brad Thomas? Hmm.

/rip…poof

Name a spud, a stud, and a dud.

Haha…Thomas is horrible.

/puts envelope to forehead

Steven Jackson, Sam Bradford, and Adam Everett.

Hmm…okay.

/rip…poof

Name two rams and a goat.

HOHO…good riddance, Adam. Haha…

May Jose Valverde suggest your new hair style.

/puts envelope to forehead

Moose knuckle.

MOOSE…knuckle?

/rip…poof

Describe the appearance of Johnny Damon’s wife’s crotch.

HIYOOOO! Enough, sir! Leave the poor girl alone…

May Don Kelly’s college buddies send you threatening emails.

/puts envelope to forehead

That time of the month.

Oh, no…

/rip…poof

What do you call Carlos Guillen going on the DL?

Ho, ho…he’s always hurt. Yes. But he’s playing well at second.

/puts envelope to forehead

60 Minutes.

60…minutes. Yes.

/rip…poof

How much actual work has Lloyd McClendon done this season?

Ha, ha…poor Lloyd. No one likes him. Legendary!

/puts envelope to forehead

Yassir Arafat.

Yassir Arafat. Ho, ho…

/rip…poof

What was Fu-Te Ni’s response to being asked if he met Brandon Inge’s fan club?

I have repeatedly discovered that it is important for me not to surpass my capacity for responsibility. Over the years, this capacity has grown, but the results of exceeding it have not changed.

Normally, my capacity is exceeded gradually, through the accumulation of simple, daily tasks.

But a few times a year, I spontaneously decide that I'm ready to be a real adult. I don't know why I decide this; it always ends terribly for me. But I do it anyway. I sit myself down and tell myself how I'm going to start cleaning the house every day and paying my bills on time and replying to emails before my inbox reaches quadruple digits. Schedules are drafted. Day-planners are purchased. I stock up on fancy food because I'm also planning on morphing into a master chef and actually cooking instead of just eating nachos for dinner every night. I prepare for my new life as an adult like some people prepare for the apocalypse.

The first day or two of my plans usually goes okay.

For a little while, I actually feel grown-up and responsible. I strut around with my head held high, looking the other responsible people in the eye with that knowing glance that says "I understand. I'm responsible now too. Just look at my groceries."

At some point, I start feeling self-congratulatory.

This is a mistake.

I begin to feel like I've accomplished my goals. It's like I think that adulthood is something that can be earned like a trophy in one monumental burst of effort and then admired and coveted for the rest of one's life.

What usually ends up happening is that I completely wear myself out. Thinking that I've earned it, I give myself permission to slack off for a while and recover. Since I've exceeded my capacity for responsibility in such a dramatic fashion, I end up needing to take more recovery time than usual. This is when the guilt-spiral starts.

The longer I procrastinate on returning phone calls and emails, the more guilty I feel about it. The guilt I feel causes me to avoid the issue further, which only leads to more guilt and more procrastination. It gets to the point where I don't email someone for fear of reminding them that they emailed me and thus giving them a reason to be disappointed in me.

Then the guilt from my ignored responsibilities grows so large that merely carrying it around with me feels like a huge responsibility. It takes up a sizable portion of my capacity, leaving me almost completely useless for anything other than consuming nachos and surfing the internet like an attention-deficient squirrel on PCP.

At some point in this endlessly spiraling disaster, I am forced to throw all of my energy into trying to be an adult again, just to dig myself out of the pit I've fallen into. The problem is that I enter this round of attempted adulthood already burnt out from the last round. I can't not fail.

It always ends the same way. Slumped and haggard, I contemplate the seemingly endless tasks ahead of me.