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Am I Too Busy And Unavailable to Find Love?

Hi Evan, Here’s my situation. I work at night (I go to work at 5pm). I love my job and my employer. This schedule actually suits me and my lifestyle perfectly. However, my dating life isn’t doing so well in the long run. I meet guys and go on dates but they always use my work schedule as an excuse to not continue dating. Now I realize I’m not going to get along with everyone and people come up with all kinds of reasons not to see someone anymore, but something’s not right when you hear the same thing over and over again (“you’re great but we’d never see each other”).

Seriously, how many people know after two dates that they want to see the other person seven days a week? (With my schedule I’m free for dates four times a week fitting into most other people’s schedules.) My dad worked nights and my mom worked days and they were married for over 30 years so I know it’s do-able for real, committed couples. I just feel that guys these days want dating and relationships to be easy and served up on a platter. The worst part is that I let people know on my Internet profile that I have this schedule and to be honest with themselves ahead of time. Nope! Do you have any advice? Are there any dating sites for night workers? Do firefighters, EMTs, 911 operators and ER doctors write to with this issue? –Rachael

Actually, Rachael, firefighters, EMTs, 911 operators and ER doctors would ask me about this very same issue – they just don’t have the time to write.

I’m joking, of course…but not really.

Listen, I’m sympathetic to any busy readers, the same as I am for my busy clients.

Your gift to us is your time, not your mere existence.

Julie works in sales and travels a few times a month. When she’s home, she’s usually training for a bike race or a triathlon.

Jamie is a lawyer at a big New York City firm who has to do her 2000 billable hours a year and rarely has a free weekend to relax.

Charlene is a lawyer and entrepreneur who is about to launch a third start-up in coming months.

All sincerely want to find love – all invested thousands of dollars into making it happen – and all of them are just as single as the day they met me.

Either they didn’t have the time to log in to Match.

Or they didn’t have the time to respond to men who wrote.

Or they didn’t respond to the men who wrote quickly enough.

Or they didn’t make time to talk to men on the phone to screen them.

Or they didn’t have time to plan to meet new men for drinks every weekend.

Or they didn’t have the time to keep a dialogue afloat amidst their other travels, hobbies and work obligations.

She’s kind, she’s interesting, she’s relationship-oriented…and she doesn’t have time to see you again until next Thursday.

She’s a wonderful and impressive person…and she’s simply not available.

The truth is, Rachael, guys don’t care all that much about your resume.

They care about your physical and emotional availability.

Most men would sacrifice a “10” who could see them once a week for an “8” who could talk every day and get together three or four nights a week

Just because some women (including your Mom) are willing to marry men in the military, professional athletes, politicians, traveling salesmen, and night workers, doesn’t mean that many men would be amenable to the same arrangement.

Your gift to us is your time, not your mere existence.

As such, I’m not at all surprised that you’re struggling to make a connection – and that you’re losing out to a woman who has more time to give.

And, like anyone who discovers that your natural way of being is impeding her from love, you have a choice to make.

Keep your life the way it is, alienate 95% of all men, and lament the fact that most will still prefer women who are more available than you…

Or…choose a different job that allows you to be more available.

This is honestly no different than any other dating dilemma that comes up for men and women. Play to the majority or deal with the consequences.

The guy with the dreadlocks who complains he’s striking out on JDate?
The woman who says she’s never dating online but wants to meet a man?
The guy who thinks that he shouldn’t have to pick up the first check?

Sure, you can stand your ground, but your results will be the same. You’re expecting the world to change instead of making changes yourself.

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Comments:

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Diana

If Rachael is working a standard 40 hour week, consisting of a 5:00pm – 1:00-2:00am schedule, she has plenty of available time for dating and responding in a timely manner to emails and phone calls. She shared that her available social calendar seems to fit well with most individuals. So what’s going on?

Maybe she’s not off from work on Friday and/or Saturday nights when most guys want to go out on a date. Or maybe the guys contact her and go out on a first date or two, thinking that her schedule is workable, but then they realize that if they wanted a long-term relationship with her, it might require some creativity and extra effort to spend quality time together, and they’re not sure about that. It’s easier for them to move on and find someone else. It’s disappointing, but understandable. They could also be using her schedule as the cover-up reason for why they truly don’t want to continue dating her because she’s already inadvertently given them an out. Or she could be assuming that her schedule is always the reason, thus avoiding any other dating issues that might need to be addressed.

The solution is for her to keep working the job she loves [it makes for a happier individual and thus, a better dating partner], and to persevere and keep pursuing her dating options until she finds a guy who feels that she’s worth it. Does she really want all the others anyway? There’s a reason for why things happen as they do.

I dated and was engaged and married for many years to a man who worked various night shifts, and where there’s a will, there’s a way to have a good relationship with challenging schedules. It also saved us thousands of dollars and grief with child care concerns. 🙂 Given that also about one-third of the population works a night shift, I think Rachael will find a guy that’s right for her and vice verse.

As much as guys may like the chase, we also like to know we will eventually catch you. If you’re only available when we’re sleeping, we can’t catch you.
What about dating men who work nights? You can go out for a nice quiet breakfast when the rest of us are on our ways to work.

I was once in a similar situation. It was my first full time job in my current field and I was placed on the lovely 3-11:30pm shift. Now, being 21 at the time, it seemed like the best schedule ever — until I realized how detrimental it would be to my social life. For a while, I was forced to adhere to “the bar scene,” because where I live, at 11:30pm and on, that’s the only place that is open to find social contact. It is a time that I consider one of my less than proud life stages due to that.

HOWEVER! Not to be a negative nancy and discouraging, I DID happen to form a really wonderful relationship with a guy who owned his own mortgage company and could more or less set his own hours. It worked out so well for a very long time, because we could see one another whenever a moment passed, and sometimes, he would come to visit me during my meal break at night. It did take a lot of trial and error to find someone who I meshed with who wasn’t totally turned off by my schedule, so it IS possible!

It may feel discouraging now, but just keep after it. It takes some patience, but, sooner or later, if you keep testing the waters and dating around, you WILL find someone! While he and I didn’t eventually work out (totally unrelated to scheduling, more or less a life stage issue; I was 23, not ready to settle down just yet, and he was 30, definitely ready), we are still good friends. Keep the job you love, and keep putting yourself out there. It CAN happen and it WILL with perseverance.

Couldn’t disagree more with Evan’s advice. The LW says that she is available four nights a week during “normal” dating hours. That’s plenty of time to see someone if things are going well, while reserving three nights a week to pursue your own interests.

When Jake quit his job at a large firm to be a managing partner at a very small firm I was nervous, because he is by nature a night owl and even though we live together I didn’t think I’d see him enough. Instead, the opposite is true – no, I don’t see him during work hours, but I never would have seen him during work hours anyway. The amount of overlap in which we can be together is the same as it was before, and it sounds like it would be for this woman as well.

So I suspect it is actually something else at work, and she needs to make some other type of change.

I don’t think she necessarily has to change jobs. She even says that she’s got time in her schedule that seems to match many others’ schedules, so something else seems off.

Having dated my share of overly busy and thus unavailable women, I find that what tends to happen is that even though there is some theoretical space in their schedules, the women I dated couldn’t stop themselves from filling up almost every last moment. Again and again, I’d find myself feeling low priority because some friend called and “needed to talk,” or there was some not mandatory work function that had to be attended (without me), or some other such thing. Another feature of at least two of these relationships was that at least half the time we spent together, she would be exhausted or too emotionally drained from all her other activities to really be with me, or do anything together. And finally, with those same two relationships, I found that both women weren’t really willing to give up much on their pack schedule in order to spend more time together.

I don’t know if this is what Rachel does, and perhaps she’s just run into the wrong kind of guys. But whenever someone brings up schedules and time, I start to wonder if they’re really saying “I want to date someone who will let me live my life exactly as it is today.” I know some men do this as well. We think we can keep most everything the same and just plug someone into our lives, which almost never works, over the long run.

Men do want everything perfect to date you these days, you must have the perfect body and face/hair, no kids from another guy you are responsible for, make a million a year, have no pms or mood swings, a perfect family, etc, the list goes on, that is why there are so many people never married by 40. Do what is best for you and don’t change your life for these men, if they like you enough they will accommodate your schedule as you will try to make time for them. Any other reason they are giving you is an Excuse for not being totally honest. Jobs come and go, a marriage is supposed to be for life at least with 50% of the marriages anyway.

What are you on about? Such nonsense. There are billions of women who still get married without “having the perfect body and face/hair, no kids from another guy you are responsible for, make a million a year, have no pms or mood swings, a perfect family.”

And if you’re accusing men of being demanding, you should talk to a guy who’s a few inches shorter than average height or a guy who makes $40k a year or a guy who has to pay child support. Ask him how understanding women are when he’s dating. It’ll be an eye-opener for you.

The reality is that each sex has its own challenges vis-a-vise the opposite sex.

I’m all for honesty, but is your unusual schedule something you need to share on a first date? It seems as if you are supplying men with a reason to run.

If you have 3-4 nights a week when you are available, just say “I’m busy Tues, but Wed or Fri I am available” AFTER they ask you out. It doesn’t matter what you are doing. Who knows? I think guys like women who aren’t COMPLETELY available. If you say you are busy, they may assume that you are out with friends.

Maybe you are coming off as pushy and presumptuous? (I’m not getting that from your email, but I recently went on two dates with a guy and he was saying “Call me tomorrow when you get done work” and when I didn’t, he was calling me. He told the waiter on our second date he wanted to take me to a certain club… if you are telling guys “Well, our 3rd date can be on this day or that day b/c I have work” they might not like that. Perhaps they should ask you out, THEN you say “Thursday is bad for me”, not “Thursday is bad for me when we go out again”).

Basically, let them like you first, especially if you have SOME availability. Then, let them know that it is just plain old work that you are going to.

Rachael,
I worked 11pm to 8am for a year and while I can’t say I would go back to it again by choice, I know the benefits that such hours provide. I agree with Evan in that you have made a somewhat unique career choice (especially for a woman), limiting your choice of men but I also feel that your approach may leave something wanting. Are you making your working hours a focal point without realizing it? You’ve said that you state the nature of your job clearly in your profile. I’m not sure that is such a good idea. I value honesty very much but this is not the same thing as disclosing a previous marriage or a child from said marriage, something that is fundamentally life changing and will remain the same in the future. I realize your intention is to make the men realize your limitations but I think it is working against you. Make your personality the focus and not the hours you work. You say you’re available 4 times a week. During the initial stages of dating, this sounds like it’s enough to me. As long as you are making an effort to be available at “normal” times to these men who likely have “normal” jobs, let them decide that you are too unavailable to date. By any means, don’t hide the fact that you work at night but there is no need to advertise it either. Once your man gets to know your and love you for your personality, he may find your hours easier to tolerate. If you constantly mention your unusual working hours, he may feel that you are unwilling to compromise and want him to work around your schedule instead of both of you working around each other’s.
Good luck!

The guys who are using the schedule as an excuse, may be doing so in part because of how Rachael is presenting it. It sounds as she’s only “unavailable” 3 nights a week. De-emphazing the job/hours she has to work makes sense. Doesn’t need to be in a profile. Doesn’t need to be discussed on first dates. No need to present it as something to *warn* potential dates about -it’s an easy schedule. Spin it that way.

Evan’s response brings up an interesting difference between men and women. He points out that men want women to be available physically and emotionally, which I know from experience to be true. I could be over-generalizing, but I think women care less about the men being physically there all the time, and hence we don’t mind as much if our husbands / boyfriends have night shifts.

Why is that? Maybe because we find ways to occupy our time that don’t require the men’s presence. We chat with our girlfriends, tend to our children, clean the house, have hobbies. Obviously, it is sweeter if our man is there all the time, but it’s not a requirement, and it wouldn’t cause us to write off the guy automatically.

In my heart, I believe marriage is actually more important to men than it is to women, for all popular society leads us to believe that it’s the women clamoring for marriage.

@Helen – You bring up a very relevant point which explains a lot of the cognitive dissonance you see on this blog:

“I think women care less about the men being physically there all the time…”

Perhaps you feel that way, and most of my busy, independent clients THINK they’d be content with that…until it turns out that they’re not.

And the alpha male who works 60 hours a week isn’t enough. The guy who’s deployed in Iraq isn’t enough. The guy who is so sweet and funny and sensitive but travels 20 weeks a year isn’t enough. The guy with the three kids and the small home based business that requires constant maintenance isn’t enough.

At least men KNOW that they want a woman who is – at the very least – available. But, in my estimation, far too many women are deluding themselves into thinking that if they’re with the “right” guy, it doesn’t matter if they ever see him, talk to him or feel emotionally connected to him. And if this blog is any evidence, they’re usually wrong.

Please don’t change your job or work schedule! Whether these guys were using an excuse or are just unwilling to compromise a bit, be glad they’re gone. And a woman who is happy with her life is way more attractive than a woman who is simply available.

Hmmm…. I think there’s something else going on here, like some other posters mentioned…if she’s got 4 nights free (is that right? “With my schedule I’m free for dates four times a week fitting into most other people’s schedules.”), that seems like a good chunk to have available… From personal experience, last year I dated an EVENT PLANNER and every time I see that profession on match, I keep a clickin’ — my girlfriend was busy EVERY WEEKEND (that’s when most wedding and events are), so any concert or show on a weekend WAS OUT and then during the week, she was up all night preparing for said events. There was many a night I fell asleep next to her while she worked on her laptop in Excel with a little flashlight…I think some people take / gravitate towards certain jobs to avoid other things (intimacy, other people, communication, etc.)…

EMK gives examples of clients with day jobs who didn’t put much effort into dating, but I don’t get a sense that Rachel is in this camp. In fact, he says” Most men would sacrifice a “10” who could see them once a week for an “8” who could talk every day and get together three or four nights a week”, despite the fact that Rachel says she is free 4 nights a week. For Pete’s sake, many of us with day jobs and lives (family, friends, classes, etc.) are unavailable 2 or 3 nights a week.

I wonder if she is picking more traditional men who are thinking about having a wife who’ll stay home in the evenings to take care of children? (And take care of a husband). I’d advise her to focus on less traditional men, others with flexible work schedules, or with night jobs. This is a tough economy, and finding a good job that you love can be difficult, so I don’t advise her to quit her job, unless she can find a similar day job.

Wow! Thanks Evan for publishing my email and thanks for the comments and discussion. There are good points here. I think I will remove the part about my hours from my profile, although I don’t go into specifics. I just wrote that I don’t work M – F/9 – 5p. Most guys completely ignore it anyway. So I actually do go on dates. In email or when scheduling the date I just tell guys that I work at night. I haven’t given up on dating and with this schedule I have a lot of free time and because I’m happy and stress free I think I’m a better date than I’ve ever been before. So I’m not super busy or unavailable or ignoring emails from potential dates. When I wrote this email to Evan I was really frustrated. What happened between with that guy was for the best. I’m looking forward to other, better guys.

People who work “traditional” hours are often tired after a long day at work, a long commute, running errands on the way home – and don’t always feel like socializing. Also, overtime, unexpected meetings, and bringing work home can mean canceling dates. Your job Rachael, doesn’t have that making you more available than alot of women. Plus you are free for lunch everyday! 🙂

There are various dating websites for those men and women who work shifts. You do not have to limit yourself to mainstream sites. Nurses, police officers, ER staff, hospital techs, etc. all have to deal with shift work and manage to have relationships.

Since you are available several nights a week during “normal dating hours”, this should not present a scheduling problem.

Check out dating directories, night shift dating and similar keywords and you will find men who are available during your free hours.

Rachel’s additional response puts to rest my comments about being over-scheduled. Which is good. I also agree that it’s probably better not to highlight that work schedule in a dating profile, and leave it for e-mails or date conversation.

I have to agree with Evan’s assessment of Helen’s comment above. Post after post on this site, and several others I read, are by women lamenting men who don’t have enough time, and/or simply won’t change their lives to make more time for the relationship. Perhaps some women are just fine not seeing their partner a lot – as are some men. But I really don’t see much evidence that a majority of women are totally fine with partially absent, and/or overworking guys. as partners.

Whilst I agree with Evan that there are some women who are over optimistic about their ability to adapt to a man’s schedule if it is quite demanding, I think, like Helen, that men and women ARE different in this respect. Put bluntly (and though they may never say so in so many words) men expect women to adapt to THEIR schedules. And traditionally, that’s what women did throughout history. Men went to work, or dug fields or went off to war, and when they came home, their woman was waiting for them, smiling and warm and available, whenever they chose to turn up. Of course, this has toned down a little with modern life, and men whose partners work are prepared to accept, to an extent, that they may occasionally get home from work and their dinner isn’t on the table, but the basic premise still stands. In as far as possible, men want women to fit their schedule around them, and many wpmen, withut even fully realising it,. automatically do so.
The reason these guys are bailing out on Rachel even though she’s available 4 nights a week is that THEY want to choose the 4 nights!. Its not that they want to see her 7 nights a week in the early stages of dating, 4 nights is plenty, but THEY want to decide which nights they are going to be. They don’t want to have to adapt THEIR schedule, rearrange time with their male friends etc.. around HER working hours – dammit, that’s like being on a leash! They may also be concerned that when the relationship gets going a bit, her sexual availability is not going to be high enough – most men do look forward to a spell of “every night” sex when they meet someone new, and even though they themselves may not want to continue this phase for years on end, they still want to experience it.
On a related theme, the traditional expectation that the woman will adapt around the man also applies to relocating – men do NOT want to relocate/take a job they weren’t planning on to fit in around a woman or her career. I keep my online dating very local and don’t date anyone from further afield if I would not be prepared to relocate to their area, because after 2 marriages I know the chances of a man relocating to suit ME are negligible!

@Helen- you make an excellent point about how society’s general consensus is that it’s the woman clamoring for the man when I think both parties are equally clamoring! I’ve met more men and have quite a few make friends who CAN NOT be alone (for a minute, a week or heaven forbid a month!). I thought you had a good post and made your point. 🙂

To Helen #13, your post brings to mind how men, in general, do not seem to fare as well without female companionship as women do without male companionship, i.e. the way that men are quicker to jump from woman to woman when a relationship ends, or during widowhood. I think women are stronger emotionally and more resourceful. They may not like their men being gone from home too much, as Evan points out, but they’re generally well equipped to keep all of the fires burning until he returns.

The problem may not be the job, but possibly an attitude that Rachael is projecting that her job is more important than relationships or quality time with other people. Changing one’s job before changing other things, such as presentation and possibly other dating attitudes, seems unncessarily drastic.

I usually agree with Evan, but I’m not so sure this time… I think, as others have suggested, looking for men who work nights as well could work out really well. Plus, I also think four nights a week is a really good amount to have free for dating! That means that only three nights a week does her work impact on her availablility. Not many people working full-time can say that only three days a week does work get in the way of doing stuff in the daytime.
I think they are using this as an excuse. If they were into you, they’d find a way to make it work, especially with four free nights a week. You need an honest assesment of why things aren’t moving beyond that dating stage, in my opinion. And I wouldn’t be surprised if, deep down, you know exactly why it is.

I’ve noticed this also. Women are often perplexed (and hurt) that the man they loved and are ‘getting over’ is already in a new relationship when they are still feeling sad and relying on ice cream and long conversations with friends for comfort. And people are often surprised that widowers re-marry within a year after a marriage that lasted many decades. I wonder if women aren’t always as driven as men to find replacement partners because they have other strong bonds – friends, family – where men may not have developed as strong bonds with others and rely more on a romantic partner to fill that need.

I also think “availability” might have more to do with personality rather than gender, and what one is accustomed to. Some people require more ‘alone time’ than others. Some require more social time with other people. Retirement can be a stressful adjustment when a couple finds they are spending almost all their time together after decades of doing their own thing 40 or more hours a week.

In my experience, men don’t like to feel like your work takes precedence over theirs. Even if Rachael is free 4 nights a week, which I agree is more than enough for dating, psychologically a guy may feel that he’s having to arrange his schedule around hers. And the result is: he’s not feeling like the guy in the relationship – the breadwinner, the one with the more important career, the one who wears the pants basically.
Personally, I think that Rachael will be hard pressed to find a guy who will forgo his ego to be with her and her night shifts. Even if in reality her schedule is really not a problem at all. The truth of the matter is, you can’t force feed reality to a guy. If a guy gets it into his head that Rachael’s schedule is difficult, especially if she keeps bringing it up on first dates, then that thought will stay with him and put him off.
And it doesn’t just stop with night shifts. The same goes for a woman who has her own business and works long hours. If she has to get her Blackberry out to pencil him in, the guy’s ego will similarly feel threatened.
So… big question: should women change their working lives as Evan suggests to be more available to find love? Assuming that it’s even possible, it’s a huge step and the rewards are far from guaranteed.

To the three or four of you who are saying that this issue Rachel is experiencing is about men not wanting to re-arrange their schedules, feeling “threatened” because they aren’t psychologically in control or looking like the breadwinner, etc. – have you ever through that perhaps some of us just want to be with someone who has the time and energy for an actual relationship? That we don’t want to be fourth or fifth on the list of importance, behind the job, friends, personal independence, and feeding the neighbor’s dog?

I know plenty of men who have changed their jobs, work schedules, amount of time spent out with friends, and even where they live in a few cases in order to prioritize a relationship. I, myself, have made some of those changes in past relationships.

The point about men generally fairing not as well as women alone has some merit. I’ve seen that play out to some degree amongst the people in my life. In fact, it’s exactly why I have made relationships with family and a few close friends a priority in my life. Because I have seen enough of those isolated, lonely guys who end up with someone they aren’t matched well with to know that I don’t want to end up like that.

Thanks, helene, Jen, and Diana. Evan, I wasn’t writing about hypotheticals; I was writing about my own experience (which admittedly, cannot necessarily be generalized to other couples). And it pretty much is exactly what helene and Diana say. In sharing the below, please note that it isn’t a criticism of my husband, simply a statement of our shared experience.

My husband and I met in school. Before we married, I spent every summer on internships in another part of the country or world. After we married, he was fine with my doing that one year but then put his foot down the next year and said no, you’re not doing an internship away again. So I didn’t.

After graduating, my first job necessitated my traveling every other week, sometimes more frequently than that. Again, my husband voiced his discomfort with this. I quit that job and have been in my current job since, for which I only travel about 5 times a year. I don’t regret the job change because this is even better than my dream job – an awesome, awesome job. But it’s worth noting that every year, my husband travels 2 to 3 times more than I do.

Theoretically he says he’d consider relocating if my job took us elsewhere. In reality, it’s different. I am highly in demand in my field and have been offered positions elsewhere. With each offer, he found some reason not to want to move there. Because it wouldn’t be a joint decision, I declined each offer.

Psychologically, it is important to him that I stay home more; whereas for me, it doesn’t matter much. It’s not symbolic for me, but for him, it seems to be. It seems to be a male thing. Yet he’s supportive of my work: bragging to others when I win awards, encouraging me when I’ve wanted to give up and just be a stay at home mom, pointing out how bored I’d be if I didn’t work.

I will also point out that statistically, in the US, married men live longer and are happier than single men, whereas married women live shorter and are unhappier than single women.

If Rachael enjoys her job, I would encourage her to keep it. There is no point in her, as a single woman, making sacrifices for men who are merely hypothetical husbands at the moment. It is when you marry and have children that the sacrificing really begins. She should taste her freedom now, and relish it.

These guys maybe making an excuse about seeing you. Drop the profile info about your job and don’t be so regimented and upfront about your availability. For example in the first few conversations don’t state I can see you on this day and this day and this day. That could turn some guys away initially. Then as you get to know the person and develop an attraction, you’d be surprised how flexibale they may be. On another note I am not available to date anyone 3 or 4 times a week! As a single Mom and being a bit older, most guys I met were cool with meeting once or twice a week although we did talk daily. Now in a relationship, I still don’t do 3-4 days a week. We both are single parents, we talk daily and we see each other 1-2 times a week. We do go away once a month for a long weekend though.

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