We were based in Hong Kong for six years during the 90s. During which time I had a stupid long running affair with a Philippine woman.

As well as betraying my wife's trust I ignored my son's needs and wasted a large amount of family money.

My wife confronted me and I immediately broke off the affair and have done everything I possible can to make up for it.

We stopped sharing a bed. There was some very good sex between us at first but that has now faded to nothing, other than the very occasional request for me to perform cunnilingus, with nothing in return, leaving me more frustrated and depressed.

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At last I will get to the problem. My wife cannot forgive or forget and it's getting worse. Some times there are slight improvements, but physically we do not even sleep on the same floor of the house.

Any comment or criticism and there are plenty, lead onto referrals to the past, in some cases 10 or 20 years 'to show how stupid I am'.

I love my wife dearly and have apologised over and over, but I have stopped doing this now, because I want to move on with her.

She is stuck in the past and refuses to move on. She saw our doctor but rejected help. When I ask her to say what she wants, all I get is what she doesn't want, never anything constructive.

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Whenever I or her friends suggest help, she gets angry and even walks out. I miss her, I miss a simple warm cuddle or even just holding her hand.

I will be honest I miss sex, other than masturbation, I have had nothing for well over a year. I now find myself looking at women and feelings rise.

I do not want to take this route, it was just so destructive in the past. But I do not know how much longer I can hold out. At times she really helps and I believe that inside she really cares. When there is a physical crisis, eg our son is ill, or me breaking my arm earlier this year then she seems to care.

I, and I think others, have repeatedly tried to get her to see our GP or to have anger therapy.

She just gets angrier. If not, then all I get is the 20 minute diatribe again, with no interruptions accepted, about what a terrible person I have always been.

Last year I made friends with an attractive woman who is my age in the north of England. We have not had any physical contact, but she is easy to talk with and it is on the strict understanding that we would not have an affair.

I am now letting that friendship wither on the vine as I find myself in a position where I would much prefer my wife. So that friendship is ending.

I have started evening classes to refresh some computer programming skills and to get out of the house and hopefully to expand my almost zero circle of friends.

It is all perfectly innocent, but again my wife doesn't trust me, even though I ask her to come along.

In other words I am trying to move on and get a life for us all, but my wife will not. I know there is no magic spell to sort out our problems, but I find my loneliness is getting worse as time goes by with no end in sight.

I know my wife is very unhappy and some times says that she could get away from the past, but that she can't.

Short of stuffing paroxetine (I'm on it) down her throat or in her tea (I would be again accused of trying to poison her), and no I didn't. I do not know what to do.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Answer

David writes:

Please bear in mind the following points:

A lot of people from the Far East have been brought up with the idea that marital sex should be 'over' by your age.

You had a long-running affair and plenty of women would have divorced you for that. Your wife didn't.

You're talking about getting her to see her GP, but she isn't the one who caused the problem.

There would, however, be some point in both of you going to marriage guidance counselling – for example with the Middlesex branch of Relate.

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