Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Washington, DC. In a surprise move, Jesus of Nazareth appeared in court this morning with His attorneys to file a defamation suit against the Republican party. Looking fit for his age but somewhat tired, the Son of God responded to reporters questions as He left the courthouse.

"Look, I'm in the forgiveness business, right? Always will be, but there comes a time when you just have to say enough is enough."

Asked what brought Him to this decision, the Messiah responded, "It was the 'you don't work, you don't eat' thing. I never said that. Paul did. And he wasn't talking to the poor or widows or cripples. He was talking to his own lazy ass disciples who were dogging it and trying to sponge off the people they were supposed to be helping. Heck, I fed thousands of poor people with a few loaves and fishes. I didn't ask them if they all had jobs first.

"You know, I majored in poor people. I only talked about them non-stop. The Pharisees hated My guts for it, but I kept rubbing their greedy noses in it. Cost Me, too, you know? I thought I made My opinion pretty clear on this subject, right? But these guys, these Republicans, they're even worse than those schmucks. It's bad enough being misquoted, but when you start beating up on the poor in My name, there's gonna be hell to pay.

"On top of that, these Republicans are trying to take healthcare away from millions of My people. Like I would want that. Hello? Yeah, I had a short career down here, but you know what I did every day? Heal people. Okay, I turned some water into wine once, but that was a just as a favor for My mom. And hey, you fundamentalist nutjobs, it was real wine, not Kool-Aid. Put those brothers in Cana on the floor. But healing was my business. I never turned down anyone. Not a soul. Preconditions? I didn't even consider 'dead' a precondition. Now you want to tell people I'm against free healthcare? Gimme a break."

"Jesus, are you concerned that Satan will be representing the Republican party in this lawsuit?"

Monday, September 16, 2013

When Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) said recently that "We need 100 more like Jesse Helms in the U.S. Senate," thinking, moral people, in other words, liberals, went ballistic. How could this guy stand there and lovingly laud the last openly and proudly racist member of the US Senate, a man who went to his grave defiantly unrepentant of his life of overt bigotry, racism, misogeny and hatred? How could a present-day senator like Cruz, at a time when minority votes are becoming even more scarce for the Republican party, align himself with such a loathsome figure as Helms was/is to the LGBT community, minorities and women?

Seems almost suicidal, doesn't it? Of course it is. Until you realize exactly what is going on.

Ted Cruz is an imposter. It's an act. And you've seen something like it before.

In the coming months, so-called "Senator Cruz" will start a campaign to have Nathan Bedford Forrest immortalized on a US postage stamp. Forrest, it may be remembered, was a Confederate general and cavalry leader who also served as the first Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.

Next, he will demand that Little Black Sambo be required reading in all kindergartens throughout the country and that D. W. Griffith's Birth of a Nation be shown every Sunday night on Fox, without commercial interruption.

He will then demand that legislation be enacted that will force gay people to wear little pink triangles and that will require women to walk three paces behind men. He will also try to outlaw all contraception and attempt to make it illegal for women to attend college or vote or wear pants.

He will suggest stoking furnaces with baby fur seals for home heating and insist that the Sequoia National Forest be clear-cut and that the General Sherman tree be burned for heresy.

He will propose the demolition of every house of worship nationwide that is not Southern Baptist, that Dixie be the National Anthem and that everyone north of the Mason-Dixon Line be forced to use southern accents, eat grits and listen to Hank Williams, Jr.

He will begin to croon (badly) on the Senate floor.

By this time, even the Republicans will become uncomfortable.

But he will give it all away when he challenges Nancy Pelosi to a wrestling match.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Recently, Konajournal sat down with Karl Rove, Republican political consultant and election forecast wizard, to discuss the GOP's strategy for the 2014 and 2016 elections.

"Mr. Rove, it's very good of you to take this time with us. What do you see as the number one problem facing the Republican party in the upcoming elections?"

"Thank you, it's good to be here. I think the biggest hurdle we face is that we have a lot of really great ideas and great candidates but those ideas are just not resonating with the majority of the country. In other words, it's not the messenger, it's the message."

"So how do you remedy that?"

"Well, we have to be for something that the majority of voters favor. See, we're for lower taxes for millionaires, which is something millionaires really, really like, but unfortunately the majority of voters aren't millionaires. We're working on changing that."

"I see."

"We're for making abortion virtually illegal nationwide, and while hardcore Christian fundamentalists support this, for some reason the majority of women don't. And we have discovered that women actually vote. I guess they Tivo their soaps.

Same thing with guns. We're for every citizen being able to own a shoulder-fired rocket launcher, which the NRA just loves, but the majority of Americans think may not be a good idea. Who knew?

We're all for drilling in pristine wilderness areas, but people who like Nature don't support this. Never knew people liked Nature so damn much. I mean which would you rather have? More oil or more bears?

Then there's marriage equality. We're for reinstating DADT and making gay marriage constitutionally illegal, which is fine by me since I enjoy being a confirmed bachelor, but the majority of voters don't agree. I blame Glee.

Of course war has always been our main policy. Endless, blood-soaked battlefields. Big explosions. Makes for great TV, and Americans love it. 'USA! USA! USA!' But now that Obama is proposing a military intervention in Syria, we can't go with that one right now, so fuck it. We need something that everybody loves. Something that no one can object to. Something we can be for that has no negatives, no pressure groups, no controversy."

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

The National Historical Institution has launched a new information campaign designed to inform the American public as to the historic reality of the Third Reich's leader, Adolph Hitler. This massive undertaking was prompted by a recent survey that revealed that 74% of Americans remain unclear who the German Fuhrer actually was and what he did to make his name synonymous with unchecked evil and rampant government control.

Dr. William Maxim, chairman of the project, Hitler: Not Who You Think He Is, said that the campaign will face many obstacles due to the vast amount of misinformation circulating among the public.

"We face a truly herculean task," Dr. Maxim stated, "We live in a country that is historically and reality-challenged, or in simple layman's terms, too fucking stupid to breed. For example, here are some of the survey responses to the very first question, "Who is Adolph Hitler?":

"The guy who played keyboards in Sparks. I'd recognize that mustache anywhere." R. Mandrake, CA

"Saddam Hussein." G. W. Bush, Dallas, TX

"He's that dude that freaks about the new iPad down in that bunker thing. Saw it on YouTube." D. Ignoranti, NJ

"Obama. I've seen the posters. He's gonna take our guns and make us talk with a lisp." B. J. Baggley, OK

"Bashar al-Assad." J. Kerry, Washington, DC

"You see?" Dr. Maxim continued, "No one has a fucking clue! But we're hoping that with Schwarzenegger doing the voice over, some people will pay attention."

There was one group, however, that testedvery well, that being the neo-Nazis and Aryan Nation members. They had a good grasp on the historic Hitler and were unlikely to refer to someone they disagreed with as the former Fuhrer.

About Me

Kona Lowell is the author of The Solid Green Birthday & Other Fables and Don't Pet the Sharks: Advice, Observations & Snark from the Big Island, Hawaii. Also a musician, Kona's newest project is No Empty Sky, the CD titled "Empire."