Sunday, July 25, 2010

I have made a lot of changing moves in my life recently. The most important was renewing my relationship with God. The next really big one was choosing to be happy. That step included finding a job and building tangible relationships outside my immediate family and home. There is still a lot of work for me to do for me to complete metamorphose of the best me I can be.

The question above was received by me through a song by Jana Stanfield “If I Were Brave”. Now that is a question worth asking, what would you do? You have been given the strength, ability, and bravery to do the next step in your life what would you do?

I received a challenge Saturday morning or to put it a little differently the next challenge to being me was pointed out Saturday morning. I have another kidney infection and the stones in my left kidney have increased in size and number. I am scheduled for those stones to be broken up once again August 19. Yeah me!

No I have not lost my mind, but I am finding my strength. I am a little frustrated about this happening yet again after I have removed soda, most salt, most sugar and most milk products from my diet. I am hearing loud and clear that removing most of those products and continuing to smoke is just not enough of the right choices. I have to do more than most.

What would I do today if I were brave? I will go to the extreme to save my kidneys and my life. God has put it front and center that if I want to honor him I must honor myself first. I am going to be brave and complete the switch to whole foods not processed, no added salt or sugar, no artificial ingredients or man made preservatives. Fresh is best.

The second part of the command I have received from God and that I will do because I am brave is I have quit smoking. Kidney and bladder cancer have been directly linked to smoking and here I sit with a loaded gun in my back and I have continued to smoke. That was not smart and one of the dumbest things I have done.

Now that I have shared what I am doing because I am brave, what are you doing because you are brave?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I have been doing a lot of thinking. A lot or concentration on who I was who I am and where I am going, I know recently this is not a new idea or area for me. I still become sad when I think of the stress monger I was and the successful areas of my life before my illness hit me. Today I had myself close to tears.

I began to feel bad that I am just a cashier or customer service person and not running the show. I know realistically that I am not in any place to be a manager. This is my first time out in society as a working person after my accident. I am having enough trouble maintaining my health while working to be the best me I can be. I am doing what is best at this time.

The success of being my own boss for so many years was exciting, energizing and rewarding. The stress though of being my own boss almost killed me. I have learned in the past 23 months to be okay with less. My stress level is down, but coping with stress, even momentary stress can be overwhelming for me. Slowing down, listening, concentrating on one thing at a time is hard.

I expect myself to do 2 things at once. I expect myself to perform at the high caliber I did before the accident. I am being unreasonable with me. I need to take a moment and stop, listen think and move forward. I will do this. I will operate at a correct and constant speed that allows accuracy and builds my self respect and the respect of my peers. I am learning everyday I learn something new. I am happy to say that most of that learning is about me. I am learning how to be a better me a little everyday.

Friday, July 16, 2010

I am not pleased with myself. I am fighting my depression head on this morning. My ability to fake wellness just is not within my grasp. My little brother Robert would have said it has me “by the balls”. The depression in my scope of awareness is closer to a weight.

My brain feels as though it has a mass within in or upon it pressing down. I do not have a head ache it is just there a pressure. The rest of my body is in pain. My back, hips and neck are killing me. I want to live pain free. I want to be without depression and worry.

Today is not the day. Today I take one moment at a time and pray the next one is better.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Today, I cast my vote for love and happiness. I choose to be more, accept more, and give more. Generosity flows from me and joy returns to me.

I went to sleep wondering if I should listen to my gut or if my gut was actually my suspicious mind poisoning my thoughts. Hmmm, well guess what in my sleep I found my mistake that caused my whole problem to begin with. My feelings and situation last night were fabrications of my mistake.

What should I learn from such an incident? I am pursuing a peaceful life and authentically trying not to hold everyone around me as probably bad until they prove their good. A task that is difficult as I was raised that humanity is basically bad.

I met a woman yesterday that accused the organization I worked for of taking donations for cancer research and pocketing the money. To explain further we have a coffee can placed near the cash registrar where customers can throw small change to benefit cancer research. Many people throw their change from their transaction with me into this coffee can. She really upset me that she implied that the establishment was pocketing the money. I told her she was mistaken and let it drop.

I felt sorry for her. She had been hurt so deeply at some point in her life that she trusted no one. The woman had to be hurting deeply to suspect that all humanity was out to take advantage of each other. Maybe I felt compassion for her because I am her. Trust is not my companion.

A life without trust is a very sad life and as I struggle to trust society again. I ask for compassion, hope, prayer and good will that find it easier to trust my fellow man. Today is another day and a better day then yesterday so here I go putting trust in my mind and in my heart and starting fresh.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Good Morning All! I am enjoying my job. I am concerned about some things, not really job related just things. We all know I worry too much, sitting here these past few months, nursing sick kidneys, gave me to much time to dwell in the past and immerse myself in self-pity and mental illness. The question has been asked though if I ever stop?

I do not stop to rest at work. I do not take breaks at work, except for lunch, and when my position is slow I am cleaning something. My blog buddies know that if I stop my body becomes stiff and I can not straighten up or walk as a normal person. I have to keep moving or my weakness shows likes Marilyn Monroes’ panties. I also have to stay busy to keep my mind occupied and keep the past at bay. Keep Busy, Keep Moving Forward!

Currently my outlook on life and my attitude are 100% positive, yet I wonder how long will I be able to maintain this pace. Avoidance of issues is what caused my kidneys to fail and the illnesses to invade my body. I wonder if I am again avoiding issues by pouring myself into work and being on 100% of the time while on the clock? How does one keep the balance? How do you know when you are using work to avoid the other issues?

Friday, July 9, 2010

Finding time to write? Is proving to be a challenge, I love writing and talking. These past two weeks has found me doing lots of talking but not a lot of writing. The new job is progressing. The owner and the managers are pleased with my organization skills and my ability to be happy and engage the customers.

I am practicing being happy. I am choosing to be happy. I am loving life. The skills I thought I had lost, during my accident in 2007 have resurfaced and my confidence is building. The stress of feeling lost is dissipating. Learning how to let go of the stress and all the wonderful lessons of life is remarkable.

I feel as though I have opened myself up and all of my talents are flooding to the surface again. I am missing writing, yet being out amongst people is very fulfilling. I will be writing more often as I adjust to these life changes. My dear blog followers please be patient as I charter the waters of this life change. I will be relating stories discoveries and how I am finding encouragement soon. I am loving life.

I find it remarkable actually a little unbelievable, oh but I do believe, that opening myself up to God and renewing my relationship with him has guided me to a level of wellness I had not experienced in such a long time. If you are a regular reader of my blog you know just how low I was and how far I have come in such a short time.

My relationship with God has made my life experience so much more exciting, fulfilling, and beautiful. I thank God for his guidance everyday. Love and Joy for now, Teresa.