AUGUSTA SECURITY IS AFTER THE SKANKS

Officials at the Masters know the likelihood of high jinx is near absolute with the return of Tiger Woods, so they’re taking any and every precautionary measure to keep out the sideshow element that is bound to emerge at some point during the tournament. No doubt that their methods are thoroughgoing yet also laser-like in focus. Or this:

Security guards at Augusta National were actually carrying around a sheet with the mug shots of Woods’ alleged mistresses, with one of the guards asking a woman at the fifth hole, “Are you the stripper?”

“Yes, you ma’am, the one stripping. We believe you fit the description of the stripper. What’s that? You’re not the stripper? But you’re clearly engaged in an activity suggestive of a stripping profession. I guess we’ll have to take you at your word. Carry on.”