Hyde Park Progress is a blog devoted to promoting reasonable economic improvement in Chicago's Hyde Park neighborhood. It is a forum for members of the community who want to end the artificial isolation of Hyde Park from the larger economy of the City. It calls for the improvement of neighborhood retail and commercial amenities, safety, and liveliness.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Herald's Chicken: HPHS to explode "dirty" bomb at DH

posted by Peter Rossi

The Herald has learned that members of the Hyde Park Hysterical Society plan to explode a "dirty" atomic bomb on the grounds of the abandoned Doctor's Hospital.

Society spokesman, J. Seek Limelight, explained, "We were successful in scaring the Alderman into yanking the rug out from under plans for a hotel. But that was only temporary, the evil University might change Alderman Will O. Wisp's views."

"If the site is radioactive, no development could occur for ninety-three Years. We want insure that this site remains abandoned for generations to come. Historical buildings should not be sullied by human use."

At a recent secret meeting, members voted to devote the society's entire treasury of $3.55 to the purchase of bomb-grade materials. Several members searched the internet for a little known pamphlet, "The Argonne Guide to Nuclear Terrorism." Experts in Farsi are being sought to decipher the guide, if found.

A plan to blackmail authorities for landmark status was considered in view of the shortage of funds and expertise. "That will be our fallback position. For now, we plan on going ahead with the bombing. We are considering hijacking a NATO bomber with a nuclear payload and landing it in Lake Michigan near the 63rd Street beach," noted Jay Blueberry, chair of the Society's Committee on Non-Violent Historical Preservation.

When pressed on the historical significance of Doctor's Hospital, Mr. Blueberry cited the age of the hospital and its unique character. "Most of the old State Mental Hospital buildings are gone. Doctor's Hospital is one of the last surviving examples of uninspired institutional architecture."

After a snacking on numerous brownies, society members adjourned to Doc Films to view a double feature of Dr. Strangelove and Thunderball in order to pick up tips on the nuclear game.

I can no longer sit back and allow University infiltration, University indoctrination, University subversion and the international University conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.