Category: Extra Stupid

This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

Customer:*sighs dramatically in irritation* “Yes, you SELL them. I want to know who makes them! D***, listen for once, will ya?”

Me:*waits a moment and extends hand* “Hello, my name is [My Name] and I’m the owner, founder, proprietor, and artistic mind behind [My Business Name]. Every plush you see here on this table was designed BY ME and sewn, BY ME. No one else; nowhere else. Me and me alone. Me, as in local business owner. What can I do for you?”

(An English-speaking client is trying to get some information about a guitar festival that is supposed to take place that day. He says his wife had talked to someone earlier about it but I’m having trouble finding any information about a guitar festival at all.)

Me: “May I please call you back in a few minutes? I’ll try to find out who was talking to your wife earlier and where she found the information.”

Client: “No, that’s not an option. You see, I can’t use this phone around my children because of the radiation. I’m standing outside of the car right now.”

(In my time working at a movie theater, I’ve recognized one major, recurring issue for customers: theater satisfaction surveys. They are explicit and clear that the customers are supposed to be rating ONLY their experience with our theater and staff, our cleanliness, how courteous we were, etc. The forms clearly state that they are NOT for rating the movies customers saw. Yet, many customers are oblivious, and will give our theater and staff low ratings because they saw a film they didn’t end up liking. It’s a serious issue, as corporate assumes the low scores are due to staff and theater issues, and they will often cause employees to be denied raises, etc. They can even cause employees to be fired. One day, a customer has just approached me.)

Me: “Hi! What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Can I get a customer satisfaction survey to take?”

Me: “Sure thing! Was something wrong with the theater or our staff?”

Customer: “No. The theater was lovely and the staff is great.”

Me: “Fantastic. One second, and I’ll get you a survey!”

(I hand him a satisfaction survey and a pen, and am shocked to see he is rating our staff, theater, cleanliness, etc. ‘Highly Unsatisfactory’ – the lowest rating.)

Me: “Sir. Why are you giving us bad grades on the survey? You said everything was good.”

Customer: “Oh. Everything was good. I just didn’t like the movie. It was confusing.”

Me: “Sir, the surveys are not for the film itself. They’re for the theater and our staff.”

Customer: “Oh, but I want the studios to know I didn’t like the movie.”

Me: “That’s not how these surveys work. We don’t make the films; we just show them. The surveys are for customers to give feedback on how we performed. It’s a common mistake people make, but I’m going to strongly encourage you not to submit that survey.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because corporate will take one look at a survey like that, and assume it was something wrong we did.”

Customer: “But you guys were great.”

Me: “I understand. But the forms clearly state that they are only for the theater and staff, not the movie. So, by filling out and signing it, you’re essentially telling our corporate HQ that we did a poor job. Sending that in could get people fired.”

Customer: “…but how else can I let the studios know I didn’t like the film? I don’t want people to get fired, but I want the studio to know I didn’t like the movie.”

Me: “Those forms don’t go to the studios. They go to our theater’s corporate HQ. As I said, we don’t make the movies. I could recommend you go to a movie website and write a negative review, instead of giving us poor ratings.”

Customer: “I’ll just take my chances with this, thanks. I think the studios will get the idea.”

Me: “Those forms don’t go to the studios, but I can’t stop you. I will just strongly advise you not to send it in.”

(He did send it in. And people were ALMOST fired, as it wasn’t the first time someone was oblivious and sent in terrible grades for not liking the film. Corporate HAS to process the grades, whether or not you note that it was just the film you didn’t like. Thankfully, nobody lost their jobs, but it caused some issues with a few employees who were supposed to get raises in the near future. PLEASE READ THE FORMS, PEOPLE!)