Advice: Tom Brady looks pretty ordinary, but then again so did Carson Palmer after Kemo got him. On the bright side, the defense sucks, too!

16. Dallas Cowboys, 1-1 (15)

17. Cincinnati Bengals, 1-1 (23)

Advice: If you work for the Bengals ground crew, be sure to keep your eyes open for bits of 24 carat grille in the grass on Monday.

18. Buffalo Bills, 1-1 (16)

Advice: If you want to move up in these rankings, beat teams when you have them on the ropes, and destroy teams that just plain suck. Got it?

19. Denver Broncos, 2-0 (26)

What the fuck happened to that guy?

20. Houston Texans, 1-1 (24)

Advice: Gary Kubiak is excited. Damned excited. His team found its passing game. Now, if it finds its running game and offense, Gary may well pop like a fatted tick, so have his blood pressure meds ready.

21. Arizona Cardinals, 1-1 (21)22. Oakland Raiders, 1-1 (19)

Advice: JaMarcus Russell has a big arm, but remember that sometimes you need more than just a big arm.

23. Washington Redskins, 1-1 (18)24. Seattle Seahawks, 1-1 (17)

Advice: No one remembers who you played week one, fool!

25. Miami Dolphins, 0-2 (28)

Advice: You may be dead in the water, but you still showed more punch in losing than a lot of teams.

26. Jacksonville Jaguars, 0-2 (22)

27. Detroit Lions, 0-2 (30)

Advice: Quick, skip to the end and see if they beat the Redskins!

28. Kansas City Chiefs, 0-2 (25)

29. Carolina Panthers, 0-2 (27)

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-2)

31. St. Louis Rams, 0-2 (32)

Advice: Wear funny wigs. Get drunk. Rams fans, this is as good as it gets for you this year. Seriously.