Josh Freed: How do you 'Oy vey!' in Frenglish?

Josh Freed, Special to the Gazette11.15.2012

Josh Freed
/ The Gazette

The new anglophone, Jewish mayor has the city's Jewish community all a-Twitter. “Who’s Montreal’s most powerful new figure?(Michael) Applebaum’s mother," joked one quipster.Pierre Obendrauf
/ The Gazette

I think it’s great Montreal has broken the non-francophone barrier, even if only temporarily. It’s not Obama — but it’s a timely reminder this city does have two major languages and many communities, which was briefly forgotten in the final days of the provincial election.

It’s also a sign the city is opening up and changing, like many other North American cities — and it’s a testament to the tolerance of our town. Los Angeles has a Spanish mayor, New York and Chicago have Jewish ones and Céline Dion now owns Schwartz’s — so why not an anglo mayor of Montreal for 11 months?

The tide turned partly because many in the francophone media were upset by the initial criticism of Applebaum’s accent and defended him — from Journal de Montréal columnist Lise Ravary to La Presse’s Michèle Ouimet. Both said Applebaum’s French was way better than Louise Harel’s English — and to her credit Harel said: “I wish I could speak English as well as Michael does French.”

So it’s been a fraternal few days at City Hall.

The big question is, what will change with an anglo Jewish mayor? Well, for starters:

Our anglo accent may finally get some respect. It’s been scorned and sneered at for years, especially by us anglos — though we consider a French accent charming. If Applebaum performs well, he may make our forlorn sound fashionable.

Even at the press conference Friday, as he wrestled bravely with tough words like “grogne” and “guérison,” the French press didn’t blink. Soon words like “Longay,” “Saint Urban” and “Roo Esplanaid” may be admitted into the official dictionary of Quebec English — along with “Hey Mom, I’m going to the dépanneur!”

Applebaum’s French could even become the new standard of acceptability in Montreal. For instance, Applebaum 1 French would mean you can converse and are employable in French. Applebaum 2 would mean you speak well enough to become interim mayor.

Applebaum 3, the highest level, would mean you could actually apply for a job as a bus driver, or a clerk at the SAQ.

Meanwhile, the dictionary of Quebec French curses, like “tabarnac!” and “câlisse!” may be expanded to include “Oy vey!” I can already imagine the headline in La Presse: “TRAVAUX MAJEURS SUR L’ÉCHANGEUR TURCOT! OY VEY!”

Mayor Applebaum is well-placed to make an appeal no francophone mayor could — by calling on all anglo refugees who fled down the 401 to return and resettle in their homeland, at least temporarily.

Obviously they can’t live on Montreal Island, which is already too English, but perhaps the mayor could set up a designated area in Blainville where refugees would get the right of return. We could make a special introductory offer:

Come back to Montreal-Blainville now! — and receive:

• A year of free St. Viateur bagels, Première Moisson baguettes and Schwartz’s smoked meat.

• Three free CDs by the McGarrigles or Leonard Cohen.

• 50,000 free Air Miles to fly back and visit your grandkids in Mississauga.

Maybe Toronto would even show some good faith and send us back one head office — temporarily.

The English apostrophe is long gone and forgotten from our signs. In fact, many big multinationals have followed our lead and gotten rid of them too like Tim Hortons and Britain’s Barclays Bank.

But tens of thousands of our apostrophes were “disappeared” in the ’80s and ’90s and confined to warehouses in Northern Quebec. They should be remembered. Perhaps Mayor Applebaum could propose a tiny “Rue Apostrophe,” with a statue of a lone apostrophe to commemorate the many who are gone.

He might also consider switching one tiny block of Rue St. Jacques back to St. James St. — temporarily.

The interim possibilities are enormous. If we can have an interim Jewish mayor, why not an interim Greek premier some day? Or an interim Pakistani PM? Or an interim anglo head of the St. Jean Baptiste Society?

Obviously we’re not quite ready for a full-time non-francophone mayor but perhaps every fourth year we could have a new interim one — in rotating order: Greek, Haitian, Chinese, Filipino, etc., so at least they could all practise.

In making his push for the job Applebaum also smashed open Montreal’s long-secretive executive committee, and seems to have opened it up to transparency. He may just have accidentally brought democracy to city hall.

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