Thursday, 11 October 2012

15 Second Review: A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

Icame
to terms with remake culture some time ago. After a four hour rant following a
first viewing of the Hills
Have Eyes remake, I concluded that remakes are not the originals,
and neither are they trying to be. After all, when treated as the covert sequels
that they are, they fare much better. Texas
Chainsaw Massacre (2003) was far better than Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation.
Friday the 13th (2009) kicked Jason Takes Manhattan‘s ass. The Hills Have Eyes (2005) cooked,
killed and served up Hills
Have Eyes part II (1985) to its inbred offspring faster than
I could say ‘Reaper no dumb like papa Jupe’.

By the time A Nightmare on Elm Street was slated for
remake, I was in the right frame of mind. ”How can it possibly be worse than Freddy’s
Dead?”, I thought. Nay, I even scoffed at the idea that it could be worse
than Freddy’s Dead. In fact, I began to regard the idea of a remake with
some hope. The new Elm Street presented a good opportunity - a return to
the dark Freddy, real creepiness, no jokes. That is exactly what Bayer & Co
promised – so far so good…

Two unprecedented events followed: (a) I went to the cinema to
see it after vowing to never set foot in a multiplex again (long, grumpy
story), and (b) I walked out mid-way through the film. I have subsequently sat
through the full film twice on DVD. It does not get any more tolerable with
repeated viewing.

What went wrong? I’ve seen a lot of bad films over the last
decade, surely this cannot have been that bad? Surely… it must have
been… better … better than Freddy’s Dead…?

Well, that depends on how much tolerance you can muster for 95
minutes of gaping plot holes, implausible decisions, and illogical events (even
accounting for the supernatural nature of the plot). The script is awful, and
the CG effects are so bad that they make the 1984 original look cutting edge.
The acting isn’t much better. Rooney Mara is a vacant mannequin drifting
through what can only be described as the most limp and pathetic final girl
performances that has ever (dis)graced the genre. That she later disavowed the
film is only to be expected: she should be embarrassed.

Freddy is put on display too openly from the outset. He isn’t
scary because he is always just there, shouting at the protagonists, mimicking
Heath Ledger’s Joker, or exclaiming ‘MAAAAHHH’ to-camera to signal the end of
each nightmare. What is scary about that? The original worked because Freddy
was rarely displayed in full – he was present in fragments, back-lit to obscure
his visage. Freddy didn’t need to shout. Englund was physically small, but the
character was powerful because he was genuinely creepy. Bayer has obviously
decided that characterisation is all a bit unnecessary since he has a ‘loud
noise=big jump’ button. Our respective ideas about what constitutes
fear-inducing differ greatly.

Nancy
is fluffed then, but so too is her counterpoint. Without the bedrock
Freddy/Nancy relationship, the film has no centre to speak of. We had better
hope the peripheral ideas are creative… In fact, they are, but it only makes matters
worse. The film offers
glimmers of hope in the form of nascent ideas – micronaps, a computer
entering sleep mode, a reference to the pied piper of Hamlyn – which never come
into fruition. The filmmakers present these various elements as ‘interesting’,
but there is no substance and no follow-through. If they are interesting ideas,
they need to be nurtured rather than presented as self-evident.

This problem infects the film at all levels. Nightmare
(2010) is all surface, and no depth. Aside from the well edited pharmacy
sequence, this is a rag-bag collection of missed opportunities and lessons in
generic, sterile film-making. At least Freddy’s Dead had personality.
Granted, it was the personality of an obnoxious 13-year old, but at least it
wasn’t soulless. Amanda Kruger is spinning in her grave, along with Bob Shaye’s
vision of New Line’s bright future (circa 1985). As a way to flip the bird to
its founder and the flagship series that made the company name, the remake is
fitting, not least since it replicates the facelessness of New Line’s new
owners. The dream is over and the nightmare has begun.