Older, but no wiser

Andy Borrows' musings on life and all its confusion, contradictions, richness and opportunities

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Weary

Tired. Not sure why exactly; think I get enough sleep. (See - too tired to write in proper sentences). Weary feels like a better word, although it doesn't change anything; still weary, still not sure why.

Maybe it's this: I've been here so many times before; a great opportunity presents itself, one of those unexpected possibilities that appears apparently out of nowhere and seems tailor-made, just for me, just for this moment - and I get so wound up by it, wanting to make the most of it, that thoughts stop flowing and become knotted, frozen, fragmented - insert whatever string of unhelpful adjectives you like here; that's what happens.

I've been looking back through past posts to see what I might pull out for the book. Suddenly my words look like a schoolkid's stumbling attempts, totally out of place. Looking back, although I can remember writing things I felt pleased with, I can't for the life of me think why. No, really. Yeah, I know - Andy's being miserable again (no change there, then). But like the grief cycle, this is something I just have to work through in order to come out the other side. So it starts out "Oh, wow! I get a place in the book", then it turns into "Shit, what am I going to put in it?", then I figure nothing from the past really fits (either it doesn't stand without the context, or it's too long, or too self-centred, or too negative…), but I'm too wound up - from a few other things as well, not least of which is total incapacity at work - and in too detached a frame of mind to write anything new that will have any feeling to it.

I was hoping to be able to pull something together about my counselling experiences; blogging as personal development. But I reckon that a 1000 word overview would inevitably be distanced from the immediacy of those experiences, and any one post... well, I couldn't find one that stood alone.

Is it that bad? I don't know; but like I said, I know I have to work through it to come out the other side. This is just my (desperately ineffective) way of handling it. And like I said, I've been here before - and know that, whatever other failings I may have, I do occasionally have a knack of pulling a rabbit out of the hat at the last minute. Let's hope I manage it this time.