A man’s manliness can be measured by three key factors: the number of children he bears; the amount of amantes (lovers) he maintains; and the quantity of hair gel he uses. All three are imperative. Let’s see how our 2012 Mexican presidential candidates stack up.

One candidate uses no gel (pronounced hail), clearly a bad choice for the future of the republic. This candidate has promised to drastically cut his own pay, as well as all other public officials’ pay. He is socialist and interested in protecting the rights of native Mexican landowners & farmers. Not very manly at all by European Spanish standards.

Our next candidate uses only a dollop or small squirt of hair gel, and that, only for the purpose of maintaining the shine and vitality of his luscious curls. He is all about women’s rights and prevention for addictions, which he calls enfermedades (diseases). Obviously the wrong choice for a country dominated by traditional Spanish manliness & alcoholism. He may as well be gay. Or a woman.

The third candidate is a woman. It doesn’t matter whether or not she uses gel. Her haircare is irrelevant. This candidate is concerned with preserving la cultura (Mexican culture). In the last presidential debate she said, “The child who picks up an instrument is highly unlikely to pick up a weapon.” The rest of the time she’s rambling on about adequate living conditions and proper nutrition for all children. She is not, and never will be, un rey, a king (as canonized by Guanajuato’s own Jose Alfredo Jimenez),and therefore is disqualified as a candidate for the race to be the next leader of the republic of Mexico.Gracias por su tiempo. Don’t call us; we’ll call you.

Our fourth and final candidate, however, uses a good handful, un chorro, of gel; more gel than Elvis Presley used in his lifetime. This man is young, virile, and sports a gorgeous curvy Mexican telenovela (soap opera) star for a wife. A man’s man. He has read a total of two books in his lifetime, if that, according to his recount in a national radio interview, when asked to cite 3 books that most profoundly inpacted him on his journey. He is very liberal and generous with his hair product at least, if not with the Mexican people. The more the better is his policy when it comes to styling, but less is more is his policy when it comes to helping out the poor, young, indigenous, and female of this great nation. This is clearly a Whiskey & Tecate drinker. (See SML #18: Whiskey, Tequila, & Tecate.) Our hard-headed helmet-hair candidate supports big business, clear-cutting indigenous land, and privatizing basic human necessities. This is the obvious choice for Mexico. This is our front-runner.

The above is a spoof ad for the Mexican bookstore chain, Gandhi. Our frontrunner’s political party is called “PRI.” The ad says, “First, learn to read.”

Our new potential president may not read or know the national minimum wage off-hand, but he is a man’s man by all three counts. Check the bouffant.

What is the one beverage Mexicans prefer over tequila and agua de sabor? La Coca! It may as well be considered the 5th food group here in Mexico. In some, if not most, of my Mexican friends’ homes, if the garrafón of purified water and the Coca run out at the same time, the garrafón can wait. The Coca, however, is replaced immediately at the nearest tiendita (little store located in one’s garage or entry hall). Most family comidas (the most important meal of the Mexican day) are not complete without a bottle or five of Coca on the table. Coca is fed to the elderly, to babies in bottles, and to everyone else in between as a staple in the beverage diet. When a señora or a niño asks you for money or a stranger does you a good deed, like helping you change your tire in the street, the standard request is “Dame para una Coca, nomás.” Enough to buy a Coke is all I ask.

“According to Coke’s 2005 annual report, Mexicans lead the world by drinking some 533 8-ounce servings of Coke beverages per capita annually.”

Well, isn’t the Coca-Cola empire delighted, then, that Mexicans are drinking less water and more Coke? No! Either one is just fine with Coca-Cola! That’s because Coca-Cola owns Agua Ciel, the nationwide door-to-door provider of purified drinking water and mineral water. So is the love of juice a problem for Coca-Cola? Of course not! Coke also owns Jugos Del Valle, Nestea, and Powerade! As one student in class said, “I wondered why the government of Mexico has not filtered its public water supply, seeing that it is relatively simple and affordable. Then I heard the cry in the street advertising door-to-door service for Agua Santorini, and it hit me. I wonder what Coca-Cola and Pepsi pay the Mexican government to maintain the pollution in all public water sources?” Bingo.

“The United Church of Christ, United Church of Canada, National Council of Churches, National Coalition of American Nuns, and Presbyterians for Restoring Creation are among some of the religious organizations that have raised questions about whether or not the “privatization” of water is ethical. They regard the industrial purchase and repackaging at a much higher resale price of a basic resource as an unethical trend.[27]
The recent documentary Tapped argues against the bottled water industry, asserting that tap water is healthier, more environmentally sustainable, and more ecologically sound than bottled water. The film focuses on the bottled water industry in the United States. The film has received largely positive reviews, and has spawned college campus groups such as Beyond the Bottle.”

Problems with BPA found in the plastic that houses purified water (Wikipedia):
“The Beverage Marketing Corporation defines the bottled water market segment as “retail PET, retail bulk, home and office delivery, vending, domestic sparkling and imports”, but excluding “flavored and enhanced water.”[28] The Plastics Symbol no. 7 is a recent concern worldwide on discovery that large numbers of no.7 plastics are made with Polycarbonate plastic which, experimentally were found to leach bisphenol A. This chemical is a known hormonal disruptor causing miscarriages and birth defects, according to a study conducted by Case Western Reserve scientists. “Synthetic xenoestrogens,” one of which is Bisphenol A or BPA “are linked to breast cancer and uterine cancer in women, decreased testosterone levels in men, and are particularly devastating to babies and young children. BPA has even been linked to insulin resistance and Type 2 Diabetes.” Responsible baby bottle industries are producing BPA-free bottles that are clearly marked.

Reverse osmosis water purification systems can remove up to 90% or more of certain inorganic chemicals. These inorganic chemicals include: fluoride, sulfate, nitrate, iron, copper, lead, mercury, arsenic, cadmium, silver and zinc. Reverse osmosis can even remove some microbiological contaminants, including Giardia cysts. However unless equipped with an activated charcoal post-filter, reverse osmosis by itself does not remove dissolved gases and organic chemicals such as radon and trihalomethanes,<http://ag.arizona.edu/pubs/water/az9419.pdf>.

The U.S. is the largest consumer market for bottled water in the world, followed by Mexico, China, and Brazil.[41] In 2008, U.S. bottled water sales topped 8.6 billion US gallons (33,000,000 m3) for 28.9% of the U.S. liquid beverage market, exceeding sales of all other beverages except carbonated soft drinks, they are followed by fruit juices, and sports drinks.[28] Americans drink 21 US gallons (79 L) of bottled water per capita per year.[42]“