Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

Tired of disappointments

After my 2 year relatioship with my ex fiance ended last July,I finally started dating. I met who I thought was a wonderfull man,I got so excited and became hopefull for my future with him.

Out of nowhere he just stopped talking to me. I am not one to run after anyone, but he really didn't have any good excuses. He said I was being over sensative, and this was behind one incident when he was very late calling me and I got sad. It's true that I've become over sensative after my breakup,but I wasn't so bad for him to act this way.
I had explained everything to him,about what had happened to me,my ex cheating and betraying my trust...I told him it will take me a little time to feel secure in this new relationship.
Somehow, I have a feeling that he was just looking for an excuse!!
His behavior was so sudden,the night before,we had a nice dinner at a good restaurant and he bought me a nice present, told me how much he loved me and how lucky he was to have met me!!!
The next day,he sent me an ecard asking me to be "his"! then called me at 11am at work "just to hear my voice, and tell me he loves me". At 5pm on my way out the door from my work,he calls and picks on me out of nowhere about my oversensativity that had happened 2 weeks before! Then he says he'll talk to me later and never called!!
I don't want to call him,bcz he was the one who got upset for no reason, and didn't want to talk to me.
I'm so confused. I was starting to believe that he really loved me!!! and I was softening up and starting to love him also.
We never got sexually involved,and I'm happy about that. But none of this makes any sense to me?

Dear Sepi,
When you write that you are tired of disappointments, does this mean that you are maybe ready to begin to look at what has led you to end up in these kinds of relationships? The reason I ask is that my understanding today of these kinds of relationships have their roots in something deep within us from our childhoods where we unconsciously choose partners who we can act out our family issues with but this time we will &quot;win&quot; and overcome the pain from childhood. Of course this never happens until we get proper help in some form with understanding it all. For me, it was no coincidence that I chose either a brutalising man, alcoholics or emotionally unavailable men (having experienced abuse in childhood and was brought up by a dry drunk Father and an emeotionally unavailable Mother) even though on the surface I started out thinking these men were &quot;wonderful&quot;. Something in each of the men I chose had a radar to my subconscious which I could not understand or fathom at the time but which excited me until I began to explore where I had come from and time after time wondered how the hell this had happened AGAIN.... that I was with a sick person. The bottom line for me was that the only dance I knew how to do was the dance of dysfunction. I would not have known what to do with a healthy man if my life had depended on it so instinctively chose men with either dysfunctional body language or a needy tone of voice or something - anything - that engaged with my old pain so I could resolve my childhood stuff. And then of course when these people failed to be healthy and did what your ex-fiance did or what your last boyfriend did, I could then become a victim again which reinforced my &quot;need&quot; to escape into self pity, alcohol(poor me, poor me, pour me another drink)and drugs as well as the escape of obsessing about how awful these people were treating me and when were they going to call etc etc (which was a drug in itself because I still could not look at the underlying childhood issues so used this obsession as a drug within it's own right).

So, going back to my original question, are you ready to begin recovering from this pattern or are you just venting? To choose recovery is the road less travelled certainly but will be far less painful road in the long run than the road you are on now. If you are ready to begin to look at how you got here, there are many avenues to take but first you need to make the decision that you are sick of being sick and send a message out to the Universe to begin directing you where you should start from to begin your healing.

I can understand exactly what you're talking about. I too always seem to be in patchy, confusing 'love' relationships with men. When things don't make any sense. And I'm drawn to them over and over again. Emotionally unavailable men. The thing is now that I'm aware of this, I can heal and become more whole in myself and attract the right kind of guy for me. The problem is while i heal i feel its best to be single and ive been single now for 2 years and i feel like a bit of a dope when all my friends are in relationships!

I grew up with very controlling manipulative parents, an emotionally abusive father who was never there for me when i needed him. It makes the world very confusing, emotionally wise. I was never taught to use my own emotions, and it made me detach myself from my domineering family and go off and live in my imaginative child like world in my head for many years.

I am codependant on many things it seems, often bossy people i wait for them to dictate my life and i hate it, or codependant on jobs or new ideas to make me happy. But thankfully im moving away from all these patterns now.

I have been working with a guy who does EFT (emotional freedom techniques) and 'wounded inner child' work, and it leaves me feeling great and able to put emotional distance from all these people who hound me. I also find hypnotherapy works well to soothe that distressed little child inside of you.

Another thing I do is something called 'Co-counselling,' (or Re-evaluation counselling) it really helps me understand all of my emotions and really has an interesting view on mental health and why we all have problems with it. I'd strongly reccommend this to anyone who has trouble understanding their emotions. It only costs $10 a session, its a not-for-profit world wide organisation, i suggest you google it, for me it really opened my eyes and gave me light into a new world.

I'd be really interested in finding out about a cd 12 step program ive never heard of one in australia!

As regards 12 step CD related programs in Australia, if there are no Co-Dependents anonymous, maybe try Al-Anon (for the friends and families of alcoholics). Even if you do not personally know any alcoholics, it does not matter as once we move past &quot;detaching with love&quot; from the alcoholic, the focus is then back onto us and our healing so who the original alcoholic was that brought the person to the fellwoship becomes irrelevant. The beauty of 12 step fellowships such as Al-Anon is that they are self- supporting financially so we only put in the basket only that which we can afford which for me is usually only about 1 or less if I have less.

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