The Semi-Depressed Museum Worker

Once a week, Daily Intel takes a peek at what your friends and neighbors are doing behind doors left slightly ajar. Today, the Semi-Depressed Museum Worker: 35, the Bronx, male, gay,single.

DAYONE6:15 a.m.: Fire alarm goes off in my apartment because my ex, who still lives here, left the stove eye on all night after cooking. Scared the shit out of me! Thankfully, all was fine. 9:45 a.m.: Didn’t masturbate this morning because I was running late for work due to the aforementioned fire alarm. Horny as hell on the subway, checking out the packages of the fine Bronx Rican boyz. Yeah, papi! 11:59 a.m.: My Madonna obsession always gets the best of me at work. Can’t stop checking out Madonnalicious.com every five minutes to find out the latest Maddy gossip. Loveher.

8:15 p.m.: Just got home from work and now watching Mama’s Family. My life is sooooo dull I could puke! Same old routine day after day. Gotta put in my kitten’s eyedrops, make a pizza, then log in to MySpace. Woo hoo.11:52 p.m.: Masturbation is a beautiful thing. Now I cansleep.

DAYTWO4:05 a.m.: I feel something crawling on my leg while in bed. A fucking mouse! It scurried down my leg and leaped off the bed. WTF? We have never had mice in this apartment! 9:25 a.m.: Cut the hell out of my nose trying to remove a hair while shaving (don’t ask). Now I am bleeding like a gunshot victim. Great start to another crappy day. 6:15 p.m.: I am now off work and about to head to the pet store. Ex who cheated on me is leaving for Puerto Rico in the morning, and I will have place to myself! Time to get creative and finish my artist portfolio. 11:50 p.m.: In bed and watching Charlie’s Angels on DVD. Another fun-fillednight.

DAYTHREE7:45 a.m.: Time to get up and begin another fun-filled day of bullshit. 11:50 a.m.: Brought the gay bibles of New York, HX and Next, with me to work today. Trying to find some trouble to get into for the weekend. I need dick like a newborn needs a nipple. 3:10 p.m.: Just got back from lunch. I went to one of those deli troughs where you load your plate with pounds of crap that end up costing you a whole paycheck when they weigh it out. And, of course, I got the runs afterwards. You would think I’d learn. There goes tonight’s gay fun. 10:40 p.m.: Time to masturbate and then have a Golden Girlsmarathon.

DAYFOUR8:30 a.m.: Woke up waaaay too early for a Saturday. 2:10 p.m.: About to jump in the shower and head off to the city. Not sure what the plan is yet, but it includes alcohol. A hot Latin guy would be good, too. 11:45 p.m.: I am back home yet again. I agreed to meet a friend from MySpace out for drinks, and he immediately started drooling all over me and acting as if we were dating. Why does this always happen to me? I just can’t be friends with gay men. They always expect more, and I hate that. So I left him sitting at the bar alone. And now I am home alone.Again.

DAYFIVE9:30 a.m.: The day’s big decision: Do I leave the house today? See what being cheated on does to your self-esteem? 3:15 p.m.: Still at home. I am now searching online sex sites trying to find someone that wants to play. 6 p.m.: No luck on getting laid thus far because everyone that replies to my ad looks like a circus creature. So, instead, I decided to eat everything in the house. And it looks like masturbation wins out again for today. 10:30 p.m.: The ex e-mails that he is in Puerto Rico. I’m sure he’s having sex with some Spanish twink. And I am at home masturbating and eating microwavepizza.

DAYSIX8:35 a.m.: Since my weekend was so amazing, let’s see what great things are in store for this week.12:20 p.m.: All morning I listened to friends bellyache over their men. What about me, folks? 9:15 p.m.: Just finished watching Mama’s Family and now about to log into MySpace. OMG! I just found some amazing Madonna remixes to download! ForgetMySpace!

DAYSEVEN11:30 a.m.: Got quite a few replies from the personal ad on Craigslist that I posted yesterday. Think I am gonna answer a few now. But, people, when I specifically ask for you to send photo … send a damn photo. 5:15 p.m.: I have a date after work!! Thank God I douched this morning! Woo hoo!! 11:30 p.m.: Not a good date! Once again my need for dick took over. I knew he wasn’t my type, so I just gave him some sucky-sucky. Got my fix, so I am good for another 24hours.

Totals: Zero acts of intercourse, one act of oral sex, four acts of masturbation, one daylong food binge, one almost-fire from the ex leaving the oven on, two bad dates, seven cranky morningwake-ups.