Denise van Outen: The interview

You must have had every Herbert in Britain try and chat you up in the last ten years – and yet you’re still single! What’s happened?
You know, I always hear about someone wanting to ask me out when it’s all a bit too late; I’ll find out two weeks after meeting a bunch of people that the one I thought was cute wanted to go out with me. The problem is that I’m quite a strong woman and some men might be intimidated by what I do – but I’m not intimidating at all. I welcome any man into my life as long as he’s nice.

How much do the paparazzi cock things up?
Well, they do pop up in some unusual places. On holiday they always want to get that topless shot, so I have to be careful about that. More annoying now is if I want to go out on a date with someone and I want to keep it low-key and private. You get photographed together and then next thing you’re being married off in the press, which can be embarrassing when you’ve been on, like, two dates.

Are you worried that every shag will turn into a “kiss and tell”?
Sometimes you hope that it does – as long as they say good things! There is that side to it, but in the past few years I’ve tended to go out with people who I’ve met through friends. Also, the thing is I’m not as wild as I was when I was younger, see, so the stories wouldn’t be as exciting.

Do you miss your ex loverboy, Jay Kay?
We’ll always have an affection for each other because we did most of our growing up together. It was quite a mad time – we had loads of fun.

He once told us the best thing about having a massive estate is the freedom to run round naked on it…
Well, I tell you what, we certainly covered most of that land. We had a brilliant time together – it’s nice that we’re mates now.

Can you ever see the two of you getting back together?
I don’t think so. It was a long time ago and things change so much. We’ve both been out with other people since, so I think it would be a bit weird; they always say you should never go back, and I kind of think that’s true.

What do you make of all this “girls kissing” malarkey?
I think it’s all a bit pointless – I’ve never smooched with one of my friends. I’ve never kissed a lady – but I have kissed David Walliams on the lips and he sometimes dresses as a lady, but David’s my friend and there were definitely no tongues. We’ve got this little thing going, see, that when we go out, if I pull somebody, then I’ll walk out with David: he’s my decoy. That way, the paps never get the picture of me with my date. And I do the same for David. If you want to know who we’re really going out with, have a look in the background!

The last time we interviewed you, you said people send you sexy undies…
They did, but they don’t any more. But I’d be happy for it to start again: send them to me, throw them at me. I’m quite partial to Agent Provocateur.

Ace! Listen – we’ve penned Arnie: The Musical. You’ve done a bit of Broadway. Will you be in it?
I’d love to be, ’cos I know Arnie quite well. When I did the Big Breakfast I interviewed him – it was when all the stories came out about Arnie groping women. I was on the front page of the National Enquirer in America because on the show he grabbed my arse – and it was completely provoked by me! I said, “Cop a feel of this,” and he grabbed my bum and they got the stills from the show and put it on the front page. I then had to explain to the American press that it was all me and that he didn’t do anything wrong – I think they were horrified that a woman had asked him to do that.

Finally, now you’re all grown up, can you give our readers sex advice?
Just get the practise in – practise makes perfect. Don’t worry about it too much in your 20s, just enjoy yourself. But always ask a woman what she likes, what she wants, because a lot of men make that mistake. We’re all different!