By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

At Thrive, we love supporting new and returning college students and young adults! For many, the process of moving towards independence from our parents can be really challenging but also exciting! The number of transitions faced by young adults can be so numerous – many are moving away from their parents for the first time, managing responsibilities that can feel overwhelming, balancing work and school perhaps for the first time, renting an apartment, trying to plan or start a career, entering into or leaving serious relationships, or starting a family. I remember while working at a college counseling center, just how often we talked with students about how all transitions, even positive ones, can be stressful and anxiety provoking.

It really makes sense that during a time of so much transition, between the ages of 17-25 or so, having a supportive person to talk things through with can be so helpful.

Here’s a list of 5 reasons why young adults LOVE coming to therapy.

1. Support!While most of us crave more independence as we near our adult years, it can also feel very lonely to be handling more things on your own as you age. Whether you live with your family or on your own, it can be difficult to feel supported especially if you are making more independent decisions. A therapist can help you feel that you have someone in your corner no matter what choices you make.

2. No judgment hereMany people explore a lot of different ways of being in the world in their young adult years. This might include differing levels of partying, sexual encounters, risky choices in general, and varying interest in careers, work, and education. It is often difficult to talk with other friends about these experiences and most certainly can be difficult to talk with family about them! A therapist can provide a safe place to explore your choices while not feeling judged or controlled.

3. We are not your parentMany of us talk less to our parents while we start or continue the process of “launching” from their home. While this level of contact varies from person to person, it can be so helpful and reassuring to have another adult in your life who cares about you and can provide some level of advice and direction. While a therapist serves a much different role than a parent, we can help buffer the loneliness and challenge of navigating the world more independently.

4. Who am I? Where is my life headed?Therapists usually LOVE talking about identity and different paths people are going to take in their lives. This is a reason why young adults are so much fun for us to work with! Interestingly, we are not the only ones who love talking about these challenges! Our young adult clients usually want to explore them too and sometimes, it is better to do so in a space without parental involvement. Parents often have more emotional connection with their children’s development and goals which makes it difficult to give neutral feedback and space to make mistakes. We are here for you to sort things out and to walk with you no matter the choices or mistakes you may make!

5. Why me?I believe making meaning out of challenging life situations can be a reason many people love therapy but particularly our young adult clients appreciate having a space to process the challenges and difficult situations they face or have faced. We can help you make meaning and resolve challenges from your past so that you hopefully do not carry them as much into your future!

While these are only a few reasons why young adults love working with our office, there are many more and perhaps you will have your own! We are passionate about helping young adults reach their full potential at our office and would love to work with you!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child, teen, or young adult psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.

The final part in our discussion of motivation by Erica

Thank you so much for continuing to read our blog series on Teens and Motivation! This is the final segment to our series and if you missed Part 1 and Part 2, check them out here and here!

We can’t discuss how to motivate teens without looking a bit more at what motivation actually is. In our culture, we often think of motivation as something that is a static, ongoing state. People are often described as being motivated, or not. Motivation is often thought of as something quick and easy that you can just become all of a sudden. Unfortunately, motivation is much more complex than all of this would suggest and despite what Oprah and her “aha” moments might tell you, it can be a long process in getting someone ready for change. Additionally, motivation is variable and changes over time.

When anyone presents for therapy, particularly parents on behalf of their children or teens, they are wanting changes and they usually want them quickly. A big part of my job is to understand the client and evaluate their readiness for change. A key component of how I do this is through utilizing a psychological theory called The Transtheoretical Model of Change by Prochaska and DiClemente which is often just referred to as Stages of Change for simplicity. This is a model of change that was initially used to understand addiction but is a helpful framework when considering any person who is contemplating a change in their lives.

Here is a brief overview of the stages:

Pre-contemplation: This can be summed up as the time before a person realizes that they either need or want to make a change. “I don’t need to change.” Sometimes referred to as “denial.”

Contemplation: When a person is considering change. The hallmark of this stage is ambivalence, which means that the person is on the fence about change. Perhaps part of them feels change is needed and possible but another part argues against it. “Hmmm… Should I change?”

Preparation: Getting ready to change

Action: Actually making the changes

Maintenance: Living the changes

Parents need to know the following about stages of change:

Stages of Change and motivation are directly connected

A person has motivation even when they are in the contemplation stage and not making changes

Motivation essentially means: our desire to change + confidence in doing so > fears, challenges of change, etc. This is usually a product of leaving the contemplation stage and entering preparation.

They are not linear – people go back and forth between these stages all the time

Example: Think of times you have tried to go on a diet or implement an exercise routine

At Thrive, we specifically focus on stages of change and helping our clients build motivation through a specific way of talking about change called “Motivational Interviewing.” This style of communication is collaborative and goal oriented and elicits and explores a person’s own reasons to change. We create a feeling of acceptance and compassion for our clients, rather than judgment or criticism. Our goal is to elicit “change talk” from our clients, which is when the teen talks about changes they want to make, rather than when I “tell” them what they should change.

This style of communication is what my ingredients for motivation try to mimic for parents. In review, we want to connect with our teens, have faith in their ability to problem solve, allow them to make mistakes, give consequences where appropriate, and let them lead! These are the ingredients that produce a collaborative environment and discussion similar to what we create in our office that can help you support your teen towards making changes and feeling motivated!

If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about your child or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us either via email at ewollerman.psyd@gmail.com or phone at 858-342-1304.

For more information about the upcoming Parenting with Intention Workshop at Thrive, please contact Angela Bianco, ASW directly at 858-952-8835 or by email at angelabianco.asw@gmail.com. Angela is supervised by Erica Wollerman, PsyD (PSY25614) and questions regarding teen therapy can also be directed to Erica and the general Thrive team at 858-342-1304!

If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child, teen counseling and adult psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

Hopefully many of you were able to check out last weeks’ post, which is the Part 1 of this series on Teens and Motivation. If not, click here to read it!

Today, I am going to focus on the building blocks of motivation that I briefly mentioned last week and that were discussed at length in my talk at Halstrom last Thursday!

Connection:Often, when I talk about pulling back as parents, this can be confused with just not being as involved. I would actually encourage parents to be super connected with their teens. Ask them how things are going, make a special weekly date with them (it might need to involve some sort of treat for them to really want to do it at this point), plan separate vacations, but find ways to connect. Whatever they are “into,” try to find some common ground there and spend time talking about it.

The really cool part about the teen years is that parents can stop being so parent-like, most of the time. Chat with your teens, share more with them about your life and who you are, and above all, try not to lecture. At least not on a daily basis J Teens want to be heard and seen by the people who care about them, including you.

Have a little faith:So first we connect and now we try to have faith. Faith that your teen can problem solve, can recover from mistakes, and can ultimately be successful. As parents, we need to project confidence in our teens and let them know we believe in them. Even when you are worried and feel like they are totally screwing up… find ways to let them know that they have it in them to succeed and figure it out. Be supportive but not overbearing when they make a mistake. Try not to jump in and fix it for them but offer help if they would like it. And if they don’t take your offer, let them know that you have full confidence they will figure out a good solution by saying things like, “I know you can do it,” “I know you will be able to figure this out.”

Let them make mistakes!This is a tough one… especially with all of the pressure that parents and teens are feeling these days. Teens talk to me all the time about the pressures of school and of the future. They are feeling as though every single decision they make now will adversely impact them in the future. Unfortunately, parents are often feeling that way too. When parents and I talk about ways they can pull back, save their kids less, and let them make mistakes SO many issues come up for them. But, it’s their junior year and if they get a bad grade, they won’t get into college. But, if they fail now, they will feel bad, like a failure, try less hard later in life. But, I just can’t bear to see them hurting. The list goes on and on.

These are serious concerns by very loving, involved parents and while I hear them and understand them, these concerns let me know that parents are approaching their teen differently than I would recommend. These parents are approaching their teens as fragile, as people one step away from something amazing or terrible, and as images of their own success as parents. It is so hard for parents to separate their identity sometimes from their kids or teens successes and failures and often it is their own fear of failure or need to protect their teen from every possible negative outcome that drives this way of thinking. And while that is understandable, it is not helpful. If parents care more about the outcomes than their teens, the teen will not learn the needed lesson of a mistake.

For most parents to be okay letting their teen make a mistake, we have to really look at what mistakes or failures are. They are an opportunity to learn and to grow. They are an opportunity to be disappointed in your choices and to choose to make better ones. Not only is it impossible for a person to avoid mistakes or for a parent to protect their child/teen from pain or failure, it is not helpful. I would like to repeat that, it is impossible to avoid mistakes or to protect your child/teen from pain or failure. And, if you try to do so, you prevent your teen from learning valuable lessons. Unfortunately, they need to screw up so that they can learn and grow into responsible adults. We can help them through this by connecting, believing in them, and not making it about us.

Consequences are still important:Even though we are focused on connection and believing in your teen, consequences still need to be given and followed through on by parents when the teen does make mistakes. As we all know, there are no free passes in our world. If you show up late to work too many times, you are most likely going to be fired. So, we need to avoid giving our teens free passes too. If they screw up and break the rules, a consequences needs to be given.

The best way to approach consequences is as follows: First, make sure you and your teen are on the same page about expectations. Often this will involve a written list or agreement as this helps prevent “teenage amnesia.” Second, make sure your teen knows the consequences for their actions – it’s a great practice to include it on the list. Third, when they mess up, discuss it gently with them. If you are instantly angry about it, try to take some time to calm down so that you can approach them from a more neutral place. This way, you can try to get more information about what happened. When parents yell, kids and teens all shut down and stop talking because they think it is the best way to avoid getting in more trouble. So, being calm and talking with them about it will get you much more information. Fourth, while talking with them about the situation, whatever the mistake is, try to brainstorm ways to avoid such a problem in the future. If it is a low grade, perhaps you can offer support in terms of tutoring or going over homework or test information together. Fifth, discuss the consequence and you can even see what your teen would think is an appropriate consequence. Often, when teens feel that they are in control, understand the situation, and do not feel shamed or blamed, they can be really reasonable and understand that consequences are needed.

Quick Tip: Try not to lecture too much at this point. Teens learn best through actions, not long parent led lectures. This is hard, because so often you are likely to be trying to give them wisdom, support, and advice but if it comes off as a lecture, they will stop listening.

Listen and let them lead:This is the last ingredient but one of the most important. Please listen to your teen. That’s it… just try to hear what they are saying. Try to see the people they really are, not the people you had hoped or wished they would be. All of the teens I work with are amazing in their own ways and universally, they just want to be heard and appreciated.

They also want autonomy over their choices. They want to choose the schools they apply to and decide who they are going to date and hang out with. It is so important that they have this autonomy as this is a building block of what will help in their motivation. If they make choices that do not work out, they then are more likely to own that choice rather than blame it on their parents. If you are trying to force a teen to do something, they will not own that choice or outcome.

That’s it for now! Thank you so much for reading and please stay tuned for our blog next week where we talk more specifically about how these parenting strategies support and tie into building Teen Motivation!

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

​What I hear most often from parents of the teens with whom I work is complaints about why their teen is not motivated to do the things that they want them to do. Why are they spending all their time on YouTube instead of homework? Why are their social relationships so much more important to them than their schoolwork? And so on. Often these parents would like for me to “fix” their teen so that they do what they are “supposed to do.” And honestly, I get it. I really do. They see their child’s flaws, mistakes, potential, and opportunities through their own adult lenses so clearly and it is hard, oh so hard, to just sit back and let their teen figure it out.

Before we get into this any more it is important to talk about teens and what they really need… Teens are at a particularly difficult stage of life because while they feel like they are just so ready to be adults, we know as actual adults, that they are totally not ready yet. Often, this leads parents to worry too much and dive in and save their kids more than is needed. In actuality, teens need autonomy and independence. They need to make mistakes and fall down as painful as it might be.

Remember when you taught your kids to ride a bike? How hard was it to let go of them, knowing full well that they are likely to fall? Really hard right. But you knew that letting go is the only way they would learn on their own. The teenage years are essentially the same. They need us to let go so that they can own their choices, responsibilities, and futures. As counterintuitive as that might feel, this is how they will build their own motivation.

In fact, I believe the following to be the most important ingredients to supporting and helping your teen motivate him or herself.1. Connection 2. Faith3. Let Them Make Mistakes4. Consequences5. Listen and let them Lead

I will be sharing more information about the above ingredients to a motivated teen during my talk at Halstrom Academy on 3/30/17! Please check out the below flyer if you are interested!

If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about your child attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us either via email at ewollerman.psyd@gmail.com or phone at 858-342-1304.If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. ​