Friday, May 3, 2013

OH, SO YOU THOUGHT I COULDN'T EXPLAIN THE SEC NETWORK'S EVENTUAL TAKEOVER OF AMERICA USING THE HUNGER GAMES?

Clay Travis holds a cool sweet tea as he sits on a porch.
He overlooks a beautiful slice of land somewhere below the Mason Dixon
Line. He raises the glass to his lips, tasting the nectar of the South. He
looks to his right at Paul Finebaum, relaxing in a rocking chair by his side.
“Pretty good livin’, eh Paul?” Paul starts to rock back, stops, and shoots a
steely gaze toward a poor sap on his knees a few feet away, staring off into
the distance. Paul clears his throat, “AHEM.”

Mark Emmert shakes himself from a daydream. “I’m sorry, sir,
I got caught up thinking about President Slive and all he has meant to us.” He
crawls over to Paul, who kicks his legs up and rests them on Emmert’s back.
“Well, Mark, at least we know you’re a loyal son of Dixie,” says Paul, finally
able to rest comfortably. “Now, Clay, this
is good livin’.”

A hazy figure emerges on the horizon. Backlit against the
brilliant summer sun, Clay tries to identify the apparition. It draws
closer…starts to take shape….a man….wearing a suit….closer….a Houndstooth
hat….still closer….the checkered patterns of his sportcoat….even closer….Clay
reaches for Paul’s hand, piecing the clues together….Paul’s eyes widen….the
figure, mystified by his surroundings, finally meets their eyes….it is, in
fact, Bear Bryant…. “Is this Heaven?” asks the Bear. “No, Coach,” stammers
Clay, “this is the Capitol.” Bear is confused. “The Capitol of what?” Paul
elbows Clay, embarrassed by his lack of self-awareness. “Sorry Coach, a lot has
changed,” he chimes in. “You know this land as Alabama.” The year is 2024. The
SEC has conquered America.

Bear Bryant settles in on the porch, trying to come to terms
with a future not possible in his wildest dreams. “So, wait a second, you mean
to tell me our conference runs everything?”
Clay and Paul are giddy as can be, translators of the new world to their old
world idol. “Oh yeah, watch this,” says Clay. He rings a tiny bell. Urban
Meyer, worn from years of defeat, limps out in full English Butler attire. He
carries a tray with a pitcher of sweet tea and pulled pork sandwiches. Clay
shakes his empty glass; Urban freshens him up. Paul takes a sandwich and scolds
Urban, “Aren’t you going to offer anything to our guest, Traitor?” Urban leans
in and, with a bitter grace, places the tray in front of Bear to peruse at his
leisure. Paul encourages him, “Try the pulled pork, Coach. It’s delectable.”
Bear takes a sandwich and begins to munch. Urban exits back into the house.

Bear starts to come to terms with his new reality, but is
still a bit skeptical. It all seems too good to be true. “Okay, I know I’ve
missed a lot, but wasn’t he a big deal at Florida? Why did you call him
‘Traitor’?” Clay jumps at the chance to throw Urban under the bus. “Well, you
see, Coach, Traitor decided to retire from coaching the Gators to attend to his
‘family’, but just two years later, he took the Ohio State job. So, as a reward
for his years of service to the SEC, we allow Traitor to live in the Capitol.
But, as punishment, he serves at our beck and call.” Bear nods, “Okay, that
makes sense. Who’s the strange man Paul’s using as a footrest?” Mark Emmert tries to
chime in, “Well, you see Coach, I’m….” Paul turns as red as Georgia’s home
jersey. “THAT’S ENOUGH MARK!” “YOU WILL SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO! I apologize for
the intrusion, Coach. This man is Mark Emmert. He was the spineless President
of the NCAA when it crumbled. He was our inside man. He is honored to be in
your presence.”

Bear grins. “You finally did away with that posturing,
hypocritical NCAA, huh? Incredible. How’d you get this far? Didn’t that one
Polish basketball guy try to stop you?” Paul and Clay break out into uproarious
laughter. “HAHAHAHA, basketball. A non-contact sport; we still let them have
their three weeks of fun,” explains Paul. “Yes, it’s actually a nice side
business for us now that we got the bloated NCAA out of the way,” adds Clay. "It's also a fair distraction from some of the more mundane spring football practices." Bear is almost sold. “Okay, but there’s no way ole’ Joe Paterno was okay with
all this. How’d you guys get around that crotchety bastard?” Clay and Paul look
awkwardly toward each other. “Too soon,” they reply, simultaneously.

Paul flips on a TV in the corner. It’s all SEC Network and
ESPN programming. He starts channel surfing. One station has re-runs of White
Girl Wednesday, a canceled reality show
starring then 25 year old Marshall Henderson going to Oxford clubs and trying
to make out with trashy whores who don’t have any self respect. “Oooo, White
Girl Wednesday re-runs!” Clay yells. “You
might have to leave it on that, Paul.” Paul ignores him. He turns to the next
channel. Southern Recovery is on,
Marshall Henderson’s current reality show in which he half-heartedly attempts
rehab for the third time. Clay changes his mind. “Ohhhhhhh, man, nevermind,
leave it here. I think Johnny Manziel does a guest spot on this episode!”

The TV doesn’t distract Bear very long. “So, seriously,
guys. How did the SEC actually take over the United States?” Paul leans forward
and turns off the TV.

“Well, it really wasn’t that hard. In August of 2014, the
SEC launched it’s own conference network by partnering with ESPN. We’d won
every championship since 2006, so the SEC was America’s king of college
football. Whether you liked an SEC team or not, you watched SEC football. So, we retained our CBS deal for Saturday
afternoon games, but we also had prime placing on ESPN, ESPN2, and ESPNU. We
had three viewing windows for SEC Network games on Saturday: morning, afternoon,
and night. The public hailed us as heroes. With our morning window games, the
masses were no longer forced to start their college football Saturday’s with
the nasally musings of Pam Ward. Gone were the days of suffering through
Illinois and Minnesota, praying for a running back that could run faster than
any of the Sausage Race guys at Milwaukee Brewer games. With wall-to-wall SEC
coverage, the SEC Network and its ESPN affiliation dominated the American
viewing audience. The SEC Network generated almost $500 million its first year.
The ratings didn’t lie, and Americans began to accept that SEC content was the
only true content.

Coincidentally, the 2014 season was when the four team
playoff began. We won the first two playoff championships. By 2016, President
Barack Obama was about to end his second term. Congress was incapable of
accomplishing anything, and since it was obvious Mike Slive was the smartest
man in the world, they voted to make him President and Supreme Leader for the
rest of his life. Pretty much everyone agreed that we were in better hands with
Slive than any of the other idiots that might run for President, so Americans
were generally okay with it.”

Clay, Paul, and Bear sit in a luxurious tour bus as it drives down a rural road. Off in the distance, Bear can see some strange,
outdoor fortification. RV’s fill massive parking lots as far as the eye can
see. Tailgaters wave at the bus as police cars pull along all sides, leading it
unimpeded towards the enormous structure. Bear is both exhilarated and
mortified. He looks to Paul for reassurance. Paul senses Bear’s need for
context.

“Okay, so here’s what happened. After President Slive took
over in 2016, things were great for a few years. He understood the value of
tradition, so he allowed all the conferences to exist as they were before the
launch of the SEC Network. Teams were allowed to compete for the championship,
and only one spot was automatically reserved for the SEC Champion. It usually
didn’t matter, as the league was so dominant there had always been at least two
SEC teams in the playoffs. But, then, in 2020, there was a great uprising.
Three of the four teams in the playoffs were from outside of the SEC.”

The bus pulls up to the front of the structure. A massive
fifty-foot gate swings open to allow them through. Bear reads an electric sign:
Welcome to Sabantown: Heart of the Capitol.
The bus goes down a dark, underground tunnel.

“The three teams from outside the SEC were Oregon, Ohio
State, and Notre Dame. They had grown formidable, and made Americans feel
nostalgic about the ‘Before Time,’ when the SEC was equal to other conferences.
The fourth team, from the SEC, was Alabama. Of course, Alabama was led by the
incomparable General Saban.”

As the bus comes to a stop, Bear, Clay, and Paul can hear
echoed chants of “S-E-C, S-E-C, S-E-C.” Clay starts to get anxious. He can feel
the southern pride flowing through his veins. “Can we go up to the field? It’s
about to start!” Paul thinks for a moment. “Clay, why don’t you go ahead? I
need to figure out how to explain to President Slive that Coach Bryant is back
from the dead. We’ll watch on the monitors here.” Paul goes back to the story.

“So, Notre Dame and Alabama win. Many in the South scoffed
at the Fighting Irish; the program was a relic. Brian Kelly had once dared to
challenge General Saban in the BCS Championship Game, and he was beaten into
submission before halftime. I, however, saw this team as different. See, Notre
Dame had established a big footprint in the South with its partial affiliation
to the ACC. The Irish had grown bigger, faster, stronger, and meaner by
poaching sons of Dixie. Brian Kelly had become Hannibal, the merciless General
of Carthage, and his warriors presented General Saban his greatest challenge.
Americans began to believe that indeed, Notre Dame could win. They began to
yearn for the ‘Before Time’ and question President Slive. In an epic battle
watched by nearly all Americans, General Saban beat back the rebellion. The
fallout was painful. Notre Dame was forced to sacrifice Lou Holtz as penance
for its sins against the SEC. Traitor Meyer was charged with inciting
revolution when he predicted a Notre Dame victory on the SEC Network’s pre-game
show. Thus, he is now our manservant. President Slive officially disbanded all
conference affiliation outside of the SEC. But, being the compassionate Supreme
Leader he is, he broke the nation up into 12 Districts so that its teams could
still ‘compete’ for the championship. They are required to recruit only within
the boundaries of their Districts. Two teams, or Tributes, from each District
compete against each other, until only one Tribute from all the Districts remains. Then, that Tribute is
blessed with the honor of being sacrificed against one of the three SEC teams
in the playoffs….Hold on, it’s beginning.”

Mark Schlabach and Chris Low appear on the TV monitors,
wearing crimson and orange suits, respectively. Schlabach walks to the 50 yard
line of an elaborately decorated football field. “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Reaping! From
District 1, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Ohio State Buckeyes….District 2,
the Florida State Seminoles and Miami Hurricanes….”

Paul picks up the story. “You see, Districts 1, 2, and 4 produce
what we refer to as ‘Career’ Tributes. These Districts take great pride in the
competition, and volunteer teams to participate in the games.”

Bear nods his approval, turning his attention back to Mark Schlabach, who's already announced several Tributes.
“District 5….the New Mexico State Aggies.”

“You see, the other Districts have their teams chosen at
random. They do not appreciate what an honor it is to compete with our fearless warriors

Paul puts his arm on Bear’s shoulder. “Do you understand,
now?” Bear, overcome with emotion, hugs his friend. Paul gently rubs Bear’s
back. “Bear, there’s just one thing I don’t understand. Weren’t you dead? How
are you here?” Bear steps back and wipes a tear from his eye, “God promised. He
said, ‘You will live once more, when the South rises again.’”

2 comments:

Director's Commentary: I actually had an amazing side plot going with Deloss Dodds and the inevitable Texas Revolution after the Longhorn Network fails. He gets banished to Jaurez. There was also a bunch of stuff with an attempted coup by Jim Delany, then Notre Dame rallying the ACC, but it was just too convoluted. I had to keep it mainstream.