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> Hail great Oracle! May the Oracle reign supreme in the new world order> as he turns water into wine, UseNet posts into wisdom and email flames> into poetry. Please look down upon this most humble supplicant, oh> exhalted Oracle, and answer this question:>> I have this really good idea for a chain of Woodchuck Burger> restaurants and Occularity Malls. The question is, I was wondering> just how I should go about with regard to things like PR and> advertising?>> P.S. One of the features of our 'chuck burgers is that they are flame> grilled.

} What a brilliant idea! I'm glad I inspired you to think of it!}} Just imagine...}} The McWoodchuck King employee has pondered your order deeply.} Your order was:}} > Hi. I'd like a Double Woodchuck Burger and a medium french fry.}} And in response, thus spake the McWoodchuck King employee:}} } ZOT!} } You forgot the grovel!}} The McWoodchuck King employee has pondered your order deeply.} Your order was:}} > Oh, mighty McWoodchuck King employee, whose nametag is so very} > straightly attached to his shirt, please fulfil this humble order:} >} > I would like a Double Woodchuck Burger and a medium french fry.}} And in response, thus spake the McWoodchuck King employee:}} } Argh! You're the fifth person in a row to order that combination!} } Can't you show a little bit of creativity???} } ZOT!}} The McWoodchuck King employee has pondered your order deeply.} Your order was:}} > Great and powerful McWoodchuck King employee, for whom the soda} > fountain always dispenses precisely the right quantity of beverage,} > your humble supplicant makes this request:} >} > Please give me a two-headed squirrel burger, a medium chocolate} > shake, and a side order of onion rings.}} And in response, thus spake the McWoodchuck King employee:}} } Is that for here or to go?

> O Mighty Usenet Oracle, who alone knows the mind of a woman, and> usually her body as well, I beg thee settle an acrimonious dispute I> have with my colleague. He thinks our secretary is in her early> thirties, whereas I think she is getting on for forty. Which of us (if> either) is right? As you know, a fair sum of money now rides on the> outcome.

} > Look up}} You look at Up who is standing beside you. He smiles and waves,} happy to get the attention.}} > Put bottles in box.}} Nice of you to clean up after yourself.}} > Pick up sword}} Sword blinks her lashes seductively, and caresses you. She} obviously likes being picked up.}} > Take knife}} You are now holding the knife.} A small mouse enters the room, and starts gnawing on Up's toe.}} > Hit Up with knife.}} Up is now lying dead on the floor.}} > Look up.}} You look down to see the mangled body of Up lying on the floor.}} > Eat up.}} Points: 5/25 Very good. You realize that up is indeed made of} cheese. You scare the mouse away and tuck in.}} You are no longer hungry, but your mouth is covered in Up.}} > North}} You are too dirty to move.}} > Move.}} You don't want to embarrass yourself by showing your dirty face in} public.}} > Exit room}} You catch a glimpse of yourself on your knife and are paralyzed with} fear. You have a cheese moustache.}} > Rub face on sleeve.}} What kind of a barbarian are you?}} > Rub face on pamphlet.}} Your face is now clean. The pamphlet was destroyed in the attempt.}} > Put sword in box.}} Sword got a little upset at being put in the box with the broken} bottles.}} > Look up.}} You look up to see a large bat descend on your small skull.} The voice of your Sword shrieks against the bat to no avail.} You are now dead.}} Your score is 5/1123 which gives you the rank of:}} POND SCUM}} You owe me the latest version of Zork.

> so, please, what is the story?> ___________________________________________________________________> A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's> Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a> detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so> interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner> what it costs.>> "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a> thousand dollars more for the story behind it.">> "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the> rat.">> The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the> bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the> store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step> behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk> faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come> out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a> hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.> He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of> rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.> Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront> at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.>> No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously,> now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes> rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks> long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light> post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San> Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his> legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as> the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea,> where they drown.>> Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.>> "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.>> "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze> lawyer."

} Three million years ago, before Humankind, before warm-blooded mammals,} even before VMS, there was a great civilization of rats. The rats,} barely different from the rats you see today, built the greatest of} machines, so great in complexity as to awe alien observers.} But the great explorer Indiana Jones, propelled by a plot hole in} Deep Space Nine, came upon the civilization and stole its greatest} idol, a perfect bronze representation of the average, working rat,} and escaped back to your time.} Without its reminder of their roots, the rat civilization fell into} ruin and civil war. Orbital mass drivers wiped their greatest cities} into dust; climatic changes forced the species back millions of years} to the lowly rat you see in your pantry.} But in their racial memory, every rat remembers the bronze rat and} the theft that robbed them of their rightful place in the universe,} and it drives them into a killing frenzy.} This is why there are no bronze lawyers with identical powers; there} never was (nor will there be) a great civilization of lawyers.}} The Oracle was incarnated as Milhous, and you owe him bronze} figurines of Pinky and The Brain.

> Spring is green, winter is white,> Fall is orange, summer is bright,> The Oracle knows with all his second sight...>> Name a famous person whos first name is 5 letters and can> be typed with the right hand on the keyboard and whos> last name is 6 letters and can be typed with the left hand on the> keyboard

} If she's very special to you, Pete, she's very special to me, too. So} I want her to have the very best. That is, of course, me. Give me her} home address, and make yourself scarce tomorrow night. I'll make sure} she...}} What? Oh, nothing, Lisa. Just another boring question from another} boring supplicant. Tomorrow night? Sure, I'm free. I'd love to.}} Sorry for the interruption, Pete. I'd recommend a box of chocolates.} Hide the key to her new car under the one with the cherry in it.}} The Oracle has spoken (in a whisper, thank goodness).

> Oracle, whose benevolence is dispensed in economy 12-packs, I'm> involved in a love-hate relationship. I love the way Pop-Tarts make me> feel in the morning -- so warm and sweet -- but I hate the fact that I> have to pay money before they will share themselves with me. This John> is growing tired of their tricks.>> If I were The Pop-Tart Pimp, would these delicious treats then give> themselves to me freely?

} Yes, now this is a true dilemma, the pop tart pimp, you say.} Being the Pop-Tart pimp will not solve your problem. If you were} the pop tart pimp you would have the occasional privilege of} taking your own merchandise for free, that's a given. Though you} would also have to stand back, watching powerlessly as the very} object of your needs and desires was taken, repeatedly,} brutalized and molested by third parties. That are totally} unaware of the intimacy you have experienced with the subject of} their momentary lust. After a while the warmth and sweetness you} are so accustomed to will turn to cold bitterness as the guilt,} for reaping monetary rewards, by the prostitution of your tarts} sets in. Though these benefits would be attained at no cost to} yourself the merchandise will no longer taste as good if your} perverting the tarts you stick in your mouth.}} Oracle (and fellow Pop-tart fiend)

> Oracle, whose financial savvy far outweighs that of McKinsey, Bain,> and Schwab combined, please offer your counsel on the following:>> I am a management consultant with Scheister & Co.> One of our clients is a Mr. Charles Wood, CEO of a powerful timber> company. Mr. Wood has sought out our services because he believes his> firm will be adding chucking technology in the near future.> Given optimal human inputs and resource allocation, and assuming a> marginal risk threshold, what quantity of wood should I project that> the firm of Wood, Chuck Inc. will be able to chuck once the technology> is in place?

} None. Here's the schedule of events as they will occur :}} September '95 - "New" technology arrives from supplier "Furr and} Weintraub". The orders for equipment got mixed up and it turns} out you got a box of Lemurs.}} November '95 - Order is finally recieved from supplier. You get} ready to rev up the 'Box `o WoodChucks'. However, it is claimed} that some annoying, woodsie kind of person (probably don Henley} at his most self-righteous) claims to have seen a spotted owl.} Work halts.}} March '96 - After extensive searching, no spotted owls are found.} Work prepares to go on, but one of your workers is found smashing} a small woodland creature resembling a Lemur. While this amuses} the Oracle greatly, the EPA is not.}} May '96 - In a stunning, bi-partisan reaction to the splattering} of a Lemur, Congress votes to have your entire company *Zot*ed} by yours truly.}} You owe the Oracle the latest futures on pork bellies and one flat} Lemur.

> Why was your answer to my last question so bad? And can I have a proper> answer please?!> ---------->> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.> Your question was:>> > Oh scientifc oracle,> >> > Is light a particle or a wave? Why does it have to go so fast? Prove> > it!>> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:>> } light is obviously a wave. oops i've left the oven on must go ask> } somebody else

} Ahhh, yes. Sorry 'bout that. That was a particularly bad day for me.} You see, it started with the old question of "Life, the universe, and} everything" which gets pretty mundane after the first millenium or so} of being asked. Then I got the old "Woodchuck" thing, followed by "If a} tree falls in a forest" story. Doesn't anyone have any originality?}} So anyway, by the time I got to your scientific, thought-provoking,} and intellectually significant question, I was unfortunately ignoring} most people out of spite. Unfortunately you got the short end of my} "impatient" stick.}} Anyway, on to the answer.}} Well, light is *both* a particle and a wave. Yes, I know that doesn't} make sense, but I can't really *expect* you to understand! Us higher} forms of being just see things on a different level. Even I have} trouble with this one on a bad day (which explains the answer you got} last time).}} I think you should be damn pleased that light is in such a hurry!} Imagine if it wasn't! Imagine playing baseball and not knowing if the} ball had been hit in your direction just because the light decided to} stop off for a cup of decaf on the way! Would you be confident enough} to cross the road if you thought that the piece of light carrying the} picture of a bloody great truck might have met a piece of light from} the shop window and decided to stop awhile for a chat!} ****I think not****}} Anyway, I'm not going to waste both *your* and *my* time trying to} prove it (I don't think your service provider would appreciate a piece} of mail that big sitting on their hard drive, either.) Suffice to say} that it just IS.}} You owe the Oracle an acceptance of the way it is.