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Tell Me About It: I’m worried about my porn addiction

I would love to have a relationship but worry I’m not able for it

Tue, Jun 10, 2014, 01:00

Trish Murphy

Illustration: Thinkstock

Q I am 27 and live at home with my parents. Life is really getting me down and I am angry all the time. I feel I could be heading for depression. The problem is I think I have a porn addiction and I’m now beginning to realise it is affecting all parts of my life. I hardly go out any more and find there is nothing to do but spend my nights in my room on the internet. I would love to have a relationship but worry I’m not able for it or that I won’t be able to hide the things that turn me on now. I feel disgusted with myself but telling my family or friends is not an option. I’ve even been tempted to look at porn on the work computer, even though I know if I get caught I will get fired.

A Porn is one of the hidden problems of our age. Many people look at it only intermittently, but there are others who have serious problems. As we become more and more connected to our devices, many people suffer from separation anxiety if they cannot find their phones or computers. The reward we get from porn is intense and satisfying – at least in the moment – and it can be hard to give this up or to take the risk of finding satisfying sexuality in the world of real people.

Porn addiction is primarily a male phenomenon, although research is beginning to show some women are affected also. To quote Alain de Botton in his book How to Think More about Sex: ‘‘Pornographic content providers [have] exploited a design flaw of the male gender. A mind originally designed to cope with little more sexually tempting than the occasional sight of a tribeswoman across the savannah is rendered helpless when bombarded by continual invitations to participate in erotic scenarios far exceeding any dreamt of by the diseased mind of the Marquis de Sade.”

Human beings have always enjoyed eroticism and the internet has an endless supply of material on hand.

One of the major problems with porn is that it is always available when you feel lonely, sad, bored or flattered, and ever-increasing hits are available at the touch of a button. It is easy to give yourself a break from your troubles, and the pleasure is real and rewarding. However, the purpose of desire is to break you out of your own comfort zone and take the risk of connecting with another human being – something requiring courage and confidence. We need the pull of desire to get us to do this, and if that desire is being met by porn, we stay in our safe, small places.

Social isolation and withdrawing into oneself is not unusual, and often porn users can find themselves increasingly without real friendships or intimacy. Tackling this issue requires facing it head-on and accepting it will not be easy or quick. Many porn users say it takes up to 18 months to be completely free of the urges, and so the more help you get the better.

Self-awareness is the first step: being able to see how your thinking mind offers you such rationalisations is key. For example, a part of your mind can say “everyone does it”; “it’s just this one time”; “I’ll go cold turkey on Monday”, and so on. It is hard to resist such justifications, and you will need to remind yourself of your aim on a regular basis. Your aims could be to free yourself from porn, to find the courage to get into a relationship, and to like yourself more.

You could open up to someone close. Parents can be surprising in their capacity to be non-intrusive while at the same time providing boundaries. You don’t have to go into detail, but maybe you could have an agreement with them that all devices would be taken out of your room (and into theirs?) at 9pm every night. Initially this will be hard, but this might push you into having a social life or reading a good book.

You will have to leave your room and venture into the world of real people. There is no point in forming a pseudo relationship. Honesty and openness will be required. Choose someone to ask out who will not baulk at your authenticity. Intimacy is the prize here – being with someone who accepts you fully for who you are will be worth all the trouble.

Depending on the severity of the addiction, professional help may be needed. A good therapist or group can be invaluable in supporting you towards your goal.

Trish Murphy is a psychotherapist who specialises in sexual matters. For advice, email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com. We regret that personal correspondence cannot be entered into

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