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Sunday, December 16, 2012

Punk'd by Jacqueline Doyle

Les Farnsworth needs to record a public statement about a serious issue of human rights, but he can't keep a straight face; by Jacqueline Doyle.

"You've got to say something about it. You're running on a human rights platform." Les's campaign manager handed him the statement and beckoned over the makeup girl and cameraman.

"Not going to happen, Roland. I mean, how are we going to word this?" Les shook his head. "Listen, they're in Russia. It's a girl band. I think it'll blow over and we can ignore it."

"They're demonstrating in London, Paris, and New York. Les. In DC, for Christ's sake. McCartney, Madonna, Sting, they're all making statements."

"Political groups?"

"Political groups too. Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, the European Union. Even the State Department."

"So how did they word it?"

Roland pulled a newspaper clipping out of his file folder and read out loud: "The United States is concerned about both the verdict and the disproportionate sentences handed down by a Moscow court in the case against the members of the band Pussy Riot and the negative impact on freedom of expression in Russia. We urge Russian authorities to review this case and ensure that the right to freedom of expression is upheld."

"Yesterday a Moscow Court convicted three members of the punk band Pussy Riot..." Les snickered.

"Cut."

"I can't do this."

"Just try again."

"Change it so it's not right there in the first sentence. Not so in your face. No pun intended." He snorted.

Roland scribbled some changes and handed the statement back.

Les cleared his throat. "Yesterday a Moscow Court convicted three members of a prominent Russian punk band to two years in prison for 'premeditated hooliganism' and opposition to President Vladimir Putin. I am concerned about this violation of human rights and stand one hundred percent behind…" Les paused. "Pussy Riot..." He cracked up again.

"Cut. We can't use this, Les. Maybe you should practice. Just say the name of the band ten times fast."

The makeup girl dabbed the sweat on Les's forehead delicately with a white handkerchief and brushed on some powder.

Les took a breath. "Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy." He guffawed. "Wish I had me some right now. Pardon my French," he said, winking at the makeup girl, who smiled politely.

"Okay, roll 'em," Roland said to the cameraman.

"Yesterday a Moscow Court convicted three members of a prominent Russian punk band to two years in prison for 'premeditated hooliganism' and opposition to President Vladimir Putin. I am concerned about this clear violation of human rights and stand one hundred percent behind Pussy Riot and what they represent. A vote for me is a vote for freedom of speech."

"Cut. Good enough, Les."

The makeup artist slipped her iPhone back into her pocket.

"This is too good not to post on Youtube," she told her girlfriend later. "I mean, how about a voiceover from a news anchor. 'When asked what male voters in his district were most interested in, Les Farnsworth had this to say.'" She activated the clip. Les's face loomed large on the screen. He was struggling to suppress a loony smile. "'Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.' Asked to comment on the role of this issue in his own campaign, he replied that he understood its importance: 'Wish I had me some right now.'"

"Motherfucker deserves it," her girlfriend said. "Human rights, my ass. Doesn't even know your name. Thinks he can pat you on the butt and leer."