Dispatches from the Highlands

Cannapages has named the 2015 Stonedest Man Alive, Geoffrey Derkins of CannaTown. It is the second time in five years that the city gardener has achieved world recognition as the most stoned person on the planet earth. Judges from around the world deliberated in isolated chambers, finally issuing after 12 hours a statement that heralded Derkin’s merit based not only on his legendary diet of dabs, but also resulting failures.

In the last week alone the award-winner has walked into four glass doors, eaten a small raw pumpkin, dropped his phone in a bowl of nacho cheese, left his car running for 6 hours, got locked out of his house for 3 days with the keys in his back pocket, broke a full collection of rare china, ironed his own hand, legally married a bowl of nacho cheese, lost a winning lottery ticket, and accidentally donated a kidney when he thought he was getting a tattoo.

Mr. Derkins has “not not” been stoned “since the last time,” when he was recognized for the great feat of accidentally affixing his thumb to his forehead with a NASA-grade adhesive.