Monthly Archives: August 2012

Post navigation

All of those things happened to me, but none of them define me. They are the ups and downs, but they aren’t the true essence of my life.

The highs and lows were events that happened. They may have even shaped the person I am today in someway, but the moments in the middle are what make my heart sing and ache. I relish those moments as each day unfolds.

Your life is not defined by jobs, degrees, or number of Facebook friends. The daily occurrences that thread together to create a lovely life are what it’s all about. They are the memories that cross your mind and the stories you share.

When you stop trying to plan the future and fix the past, you can unravel from your fairly tales and heartbreaks. Instead of measuring yourself and your life by what you’ve accomplished, measure by the smiles and tears. Instead of worrying what is still left to do, make popsicles, revel in summer evenings, create something beautiful, make someone smile and get caught up in the moments in the middle.

It is so tempting to project our own story into the silence. Isn’t it interesting that we often project the most painful scenario? The one that hurts us and diminishes us the most?

Your woundedness can creep up at unlikely moments. For me, something as minor as someone being irritated with me can send me into a really dark place, and fast. I am so grateful I was able to reach out this time, right in the thick of it, and get support.

This is what wisdom is — creating even the smallest bit of consciousness around our responses so that we have some room to breathe, to choose, to see things for what they are. And if we can’t do it ourselves, the most loving choice is to reach out to a friend. Someone who can nod their head and say, “Oh honey, I’ve been right where you are… It’s so painful.”

Is there anywhere in your life you are projecting into the silence? Are you making up a story about the person who hasn’t called? the friend who hasn’t emailed back? Did you go out on a limb and got left hanging? What story are you telling yourself?

I am NOT responsible for how others live their lives but it seems that my fretting about their choices winds me tighter and tighter.

T gets wasted as many nights as possible. I don’t know how she hasn’t ended up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. She comes from a family with step mom and step dad and multiple family and she IS only 18 but OY. She’s been dating this guy for a year and tgey planned on moving in together. He got three jobs for the summer…so she got a couple jobs and started hanging out with any boy othwr than her boyfriend. She is ALWAYS hanging out with this guy from work whose relationship with B recently blew up in his face.

Oh and B…yeah that’s a gem of a story too. On and off with the relationship with M…and still hanging out with other guys (out to dinner) when they were dating. Then she goes and works a catering job and meets M…who is the wild guy that shares her vices and she’s off running with him and leaves M in the dust. She’s had panic attacks and had to go home. She drinks til she passes out and tgen drinks some more…and it makes me wonder,just like T… what are these girls running from?!

And i’ve got a boss whose obly response to my concetns at work are “I’m not sure what to do about that” which is just another way of saying “i don’t know,i don’t like conflict (even if necessary) and so I will just do nothing. Fantastic. Seriously,you have been leading 10+ years and that is your response? You have to be kidding me. My respwct has dipped way down with that.

A discontent boils right under the surface and I feel like i’m slowly being overtaken by too much activity and stimuli. I don’t know how to escape that except to sleep and that seems elusive these days.

Probably just the ever so often vlue
times.

I’m also jealous cause one of my friends has a bf and while i don’t want one,i’m still gwtting ovwr A,i understand how it is to pkay second fiddle to someone ekae and realistically she had to put up with sooo much relationship drama from me and i peobably diregarded her but i feel like i have no time to hangnout cauae shes with him or at school. Maybe i’m just selfish…most likely.

We think we move through the world unseen

But this is what moved me: We think we move through the world unseen. But sometimes (just inches away even) is someone who can hold the hard stuff with you. Our vulnerability creates a space for connection. A tender place where others are allowed to step in and offer what they naturally want to give — their comfort, their kindness, their presence.

I was moved that other moms know the look. That beaten down, exhausted, I-can’t-handle-this-anymore look, and being seen with compassion in these spaces can feel healing and connecting.

The other day I was sitting in the back room at work and several flies kept bothering me. It was annoying but not something I couldn’t stand. One of my managers said something about how they were such a plague…and I responded with the first thing out of my mouth…this is such a 1st world issue. I then went on to tell her about the journwy that the youth from WLA went on and how when they went to the dump it was just a literal swarming mass…and each time I thonk about it my stomach starts to churn and I feel uncomfortable and yet its a reality for so many. So many of us in NA lead such a highly sanitized life.
It continues to intrigue me how this phrase keeps popping up in my life as i work through things that I seem to think are owed to me or deserved

Our world views usually come from the world we’ve experienced, not from the goodness of our hearts. If you’ve experienced the world as loving and generous – that is how you will live, in abundance. But if you’ve experienced the world as uncaring and cold, then it only makes sense that you will continue to live with that world view.

It’s really why we need to take care of each other. Listen to each other. Undig our heels. Surprise each other. We really do.

In our second last Lies women believe meeting there was a note that i wrote down that said something to the fact that if you aren’t happy where you are now/in the situation in which you find yourself, you won’t be happier finding somewhere else to be. I guess this is a general idea, because i mean if you were to find yourself in an abusive situation that would NOT be okay to stay in. However, I think in terms of my own life its definitely hitting me between the eyes and saying…’if you aren’t content now, you won’t be content in a different set of circumstances’. Finding contentment in spite of the circumstances is what we are called to. and when i saw this painting i thought it was such a great reminder.