Gettysburg College Student Mistakes Newspaper Delivery Guy For Gunman

Take me, for example. Every time I watch porn on the computer I make sure my Facebook tab is closed. Why? Because for some reason I think there’s a way in which all of my Facebook friends will be able to see that I’m on PornHub doing the one-hand tango. I guess I just think it’s better to be safe than sorry. What if the Hub and Spotify recently reached some partnership that I don’t know about? I don’t want to have to deal with my grandma messaging me asking why “Backdoor Sluts 9” just showed up on her news feed.

I’m considered paranoid because I have an irrational response to rational situations. I don’t think anyone’s trying to kill me or anything; I just don’t want to embarrass myself. A student at Gettysburg College, however, managed to do both of those things.

Gettysburg police Chief Joseph Dougherty says a student had reported a gunshot fired by a person in a white sedan early Saturday morning. But Dougherty says police investigated and determined the sound came from a newspaper delivery driver throwing a paper from the window of her vehicle.

The college student heard what they mistook to be a gunshot and hit the deck. Luckily, they managed to get a good look at the getaway vehicle, possibly because it was going 5 MPH and throwing newspapers at the rest of the houses on the street, so they could identify it as a white sedan. They then warned the local townspeople like a half-wit Paul Revere about the slow-driving, gun-wielding maniac on the loose.

I see two pastabilities here (sorry about that, I’m trying to get a job at Olive Garden and need to start getting a hang of the lingo):

1. The student had a midterm on Monday, and was looking for any excuse to not study. Can’t say I blame them. I’ve done some pretty fucked up shit to procrastinate. I’m not going to go into too much detail for legal purposes, but it involved three pledges, a sewing kit, and enough alcohol to make me think that the “Human Centipledge” was something I was capable of creating.

2. The student is an overreacting pussy from a sheltered community that has no idea what a gunshot actually sounds like. Considering he goes to a small liberal arts college in Pennsylvania, I’d reckon to say this is probably the best bet.

If number two is actually the truth, that means this goober actually thought his life was in danger. Normally that wouldn’t be funny, but in this context it’s pretty hilarious.