Category Archives: quiet

“A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak.” Ecclesiastes 3:7 #WhileLovingthePeopleInIt

Although I wouldn’t call this a typical Thanksgiving post, today, I’m grateful.

For a few weeks now, our family’s been going through growing pains, which makes me feel crazy because, even when I don’t know what to do, I believe God needs my help.

I can’t get out of the way. I can’t shut up.

When I say, “I can’t,” it’s not that I won’t. I mean I can’t. I’ve made up my mind and tried dozens of times before. Too many frightening images pop up like the time I got out of the way and shut up with Mom and Dad, and we spoke to each other only three or four more times before Dad died.

I can’t shut up.

I’m terrified of quiet. I mean, I’m an introvert, so I love it when I’m alone and peaceful and there is no noise. But if there’s something that needs fixing, I can’t keep quiet about it.

Last week, while I sat in the wrong parking lot that I accidentally pulled into, I talked to my daughter about feeling crazy, which is even more scary for me right before the holidays. We’ll all be together and I’ll talk, especially in the middle of growing pains.

“I don’t know why I’m telling you this story, but what you’re going through right now reminds me of what you and I went through after Claire was born. It wasn’t until you got quiet that I recognized my part,” she said.

Wait. What? When I got quiet?

Kelly and I hit a rough spot after our first grandchild arrived three and a half years ago. She and my son-in-law asked me to move in for a week to help. I changed diapers, rocked Claire, stayed up late into the nights, cooked meals, made beds, washed clothes, and cleaned, but I couldn’t do anything quite right. Kelly’s conversations with me were edgy and unpredictable. The atmosphere was tense, and it got worse when I talked with her about it.

I told you, I can’t shut up.

I finally said to my husband John, “I’d rather never see Claire again than set an example for her by allowing this kind of disrespect.”

I meant it. Disregard for women, really, people in general, runs rampant in both of our families. I set out, I think from birth, to put an end to our unhealthy generational patterns, even though clueless about how to do it. In fact, many times I did the opposite of what was right, but I did something. My resolve was never stronger than the first time I held Claire.

Detaching from Kelly and her family ranks among the hardest choices I’ve ever made. I stepped away for about three months from grandparenting. Kelly and I talked seldom and I saw Claire even less.

Our break ended with Kelly apologizing. It didn’t happen overnight, but it still seemed she grew up right in front of me. On the phone and crying, and still in the wrong parking lot, I said, “I wondered what I said that helped you recognize your bad attitude and your resentments.”

Nothing.

I took a deep breath on the phone. I’m taking another one now. I cried then. I’m crying now while writing this.

It wasn’t anything I said. It was all the things I stopped saying.

All my talking …

and she tells me the thing that worked was being quiet.

I couldn’t hear “be quiet” until this moment because of my fear of losing the people I’ve loved most. I still know there are plenty of times I need to speak up, but there have been many more times I’ve needed to shut up, but I could not. I’d shake until I talked.

This week’s been different. I’ve been quiet, which is called a miracle. It’s my Thanksgiving miracle, and I believe God will extend the Grace of it onto my family while I quietly watch.

If you’re in the middle of a mess, please believe with me that a miracle is on its way. God loves surprising us when we least expect it.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I love y’all dearly.

In This Together,
Kim

Here’s a funny side note about when I told Claire, aka Amelia Bedelia, “I love you dearly.” She said, “Mammy, who’s dearly?”

Thanks for the images, Pixabay.com. Wow, I’m even feeling more grateful for your site today. ‘Tis the season for gratefulness …

“The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.” Mark Twain (Photo from iStock)

“I would shoot for 100% honesty, then moderate it with silence” was a comment from a male reader on the post Looking for the Liars.

The definition of honesty is fairness and straightforwardness of conduct. Instead of the lie I told the pastor when he asked, “Did you sign the visitor’s book?”, a fair and straightforward response would have been, “Not today. Maybe next time.”

I can do that.

However, “moderate it with silence” makes me cringe, even more than the lie.

When I give a straightforward response, an explanation seems necessary especially if an uncomfortable quiet comes over the conversation. After all, my original statement created the silence, so obviously I’m responsible for filling it.

In my defense, and in the defense of every female friend I’ve heard make way too many excuses, psychotherapist Dr. Barton Goldsmith’s article in Psychology Today cites women talk at 250 words per minute. Men talk at 125. Goldsmith said Gary Smalley, author of “Making Love Last Forever,” reports women speaking 25,000 words in a day compared to a man only speaking 12,000.

“Moderate it with silence” … yeah, easy for him to say.

All the excuses, justification, reasoning and explanations are easy for us women to say.

But then, I looked up moderate. It means “lessen the intensity of, make less severe or harsh, and tone down.”

I can speak the truth gently and make the impact less intense when, once it’s said, I’m quiet. In fact, most of what I say would be less harsh if my word count was toned down.

“What you defend, you make true,” said a friend, and I think the truth of her statement shows itself in conversations. An acquaintance asked if I’d like to join her for lunch. I preferred to run errands because I wouldn’t have time again until the weekend. I listed several reasons why I couldn’t go. When she finally got in a word, she said, “It’s fine if you don’t want to go.”

No, that’s not what I said. Or was it? My run-on excuses would have sounded kinder if I had shortened it to, “I have a busy afternoon so I’ll have to pass.”

Holding tight to the period is the hard part.

I want to give at least one excuse so the uncomfortable silence seems gentler. Gentleness’ synonym is quietness. I’ll have to chew on that for a while … probably a good thing since I’m not supposed to talk with my mouth full.

WRite wHere I’m supposed to be – I am willing to practice being kind by way of truth and quiet.