Come Together

Women want them. Men want to be them.

Across 35 years and on fields as far flung as the mind can conceive, the Bombers have been building and burnishing a history that stands as a testament to the undying human spirit and the need to get away from the wife on a Saturday. Age has wearied them, and the years have condemned them. If it is true that by 40 you get the face you deserve, these men have led bad lives. But year after unforgiving year, more from habit than hope, they re-assemble to dance once again cheek to cheek with the Bitch Goddess of Football. In 2015 the mordant music of destiny starts again. It's time for the heroic undead to pull the black nylon over the rounded belly, stretch the hammys, and

come together.

Inside the heads of selected Bombers

Part One - Interview with the Devil - We ARE fucking rock n roll !

Last season. How was it for you ?

Half arsed. Played 1 out of 3 games, poorly, was out scored for the entire season by an Environmental terrorist who has played

1 game in 12 years. Enjoyed the company.

It's well known the Bombers defence is slack as an old whore's pelvic floor. So the team needs goals. How do you see this happening in 2016 ?

John Ragg. 2016 is going to be his year. Otherwise Carlos can sell his comic book collection and we buy Jamie Vardy. If he can do it for Leicester surely he can do it for the bombers.

In three words, how would you summarise your experience to date as a Bomber ?

Totally awesome sometimes

Who is the Bomber you would most like to be trapped in a lift with, and why ?

Marky Mark - because the conversation would be good. After the serious business was over.

Who is the Bomber you most dread being trapped in a lift with, and why ?

Marky Mark because you would never see it coming

What is your 'secret sauce' as a Bomber ?

If I tell you that then everyone will be on it and peaches and cream will either run out or up the price. Neither of which is desirablefrom my perspective.

Best memory of the Bombers 2015 season ?The match reports. A triumph of the literary spirit and fiction over fact. Also Doc scoring at Melrose.

Worst memory of the Bombers 2015 season ?

The game against Upper Hutt at Maidstone. Drove 2 hours to get to the game - lost. Badly. Drove 2 hours back to a motel in Palmerston North. Should have stayed in bed and watched the Kardashians.

Hansie. Discuss.

Legend. Quiet and smouldering - a Maori Clint Eastwood

Who is the Bomber you would turn for ?

Brendan "your friend who looks like a woman" O Donovan.

What are your hopes and dreams for the 2016 season ?

Turn up - win more than we lose, someone publishes a book. Someone plays a gig, get to a good gig with a few bombers, Have a few beers, don't incur a season ending injury until the end of the season.

The Bombers - what band are they most like ?

Like no band. We ARE fucking rock n roll...

Part Two - Interview with the thinnest man in football - 2015 was mine !

Last season. How was it for you ?

Everyone has the ‘slowdown’ season where things will never be quite the same or they’ll be the same in slow motion. 2015 was mine!

It's well known the Bombers attack is a collection of blind fools. So the team needs a watertight defence. How do you see this happening in 2016 ?

Many famous ships have claimed to be watertight but modern warfare and nature have always had other ideas.

In three words, how would you summarise your experience to date as a Bomber ?

Long, longer, longest

Who is the Bomber you would most like to be trapped in a lift with, and why ?

Lance. He keeps quiet.

Who is the Bomber you most dread being trapped in a lift with, and why ?

Pachy … uses too much oxygen.

What is your 'secret sauce' as a Bomber ?

Oxygen and plenty of it.

Best memory of the Bombers 2015 season ?

Coming out with game plan to frustrate and contain Stokes Valley at Nairnville and then abandoning the plan after 3 seconds.

Worst memory of the Bombers 2015 season ?

Former Bomber Martin horrendous penalty decision against us up at Burma Road. And in full view of a rest home too. Shameful.

Kirk. Discuss.

A debaunched 19th century dandy thriving in a digital age.

Who is the Bomber you would turn for ?

Ronaldo, once he joins.

What are your hopes and dreams for the 2016 season ?

A goal. Not an own goal.

The Bombers - what band are they most like ?

Earth, wind and fire…

Part Three - The Unnamed One speaks out - call me Zoran

So Nickname, last season. How was it for you?

I can barely remember one game from another to be honest, let alone one season from the other (except that goal I scored at Endevaour Park in 2010 from 45 metres, or was it 55 metres? Could have been 70 actually...). Now I remember - 2015 that's when we made the silent pact not to score goals eh?

It's well known that you hold the defence in contempt. So the team needs a solid, imaginative midfield. How do you see this happening in 2016 ?

Ah, I think you have that back to front. I love my defensive brothers, it's the forwards that cause despair.

In three words, how would you summarise your experience to date as a Bomber ?

Joyfully stupid collegiality

Who is the Bomber you would most like to be trapped in a lift with?

Alistair - he would be a calm smiling problem solver. Strong legs to kick through the roof. Then he can help me sue the lift company.

Who is the Bomber you most dread being trapped in a lift with, and why ?

Squid boy because it would mean I would be stuck in the provinces - but then do they have lifts in Napier?

What is your 'secret sauce' as a Bomber ?

Lashings of naive optimism with ample splashings of denial and delusion. Add in crushed self-respect.

Best memory of the Bombers 2015 season ?

Me beckoning Stent Boy to cross a ball into the penalty area and he delivered perfectly and I headed it into the top left corner and I meant to. I really meant to! It was truly beautiful - pity it was a friendly against Miramar.

Worst memory of the Bombers 2015 season ?

Everyone laughing far too long and far too hard when I told them my surname is Scandanavian for "swift". I can still hear you - stop. I'm also over my nickname Nickname. Never worked. From now on I will only answer to the name Zoran who is the Norse God of speed. That name alone has to give me an extra 0.25kmp.

Mingus. Discuss.

Mingus and I began our Bomber careers around the same time. We were both headless chooks. We are still chooks but now seasoned roosters. Respect brother.

Who is the Bomber you would turn for ?

Lance because he is dishy and has always covered my behind. He wouldn't judge or try and fix me - he would just hold me...

What are your hopes and dreams for the 2016 season ?

We win Masters 4 in the last minute as a result of a power shot off the right outside of my foot curling the ball into top right corner. I am carried off the field held aloft by my team mates. A European scout writes my name down in his book. Same as every other year...

The Bombers - what band are they most like ?

Every year at the Rio Carnival neighbourhood samba bands reform and do a four hour walking gig around their neighbourhood. They start tight but as beer and fatigue kicks in they become more dispersed and more dischordant, but strangely more engaging and attractive. Samba Bombers.

Part Four - Chromosome lashes out - I saw what happened to Roger

Last season. How was it for you ?

The same as for everyone – awful. There is nothing positive to say about it. Why are you even bringing it up?

It's well known the Bombers defence is slack as an old whore's pelvic floor. So the team needs goals. How do you see this happening in 2016 ?

Maybe if Tiberius could stop chasing his cock all over the country and show up, as could Brendan, that would help. Also, why are we advertising for goalies and defenders on the website, but not goal scorers?

In three words, how would you summarise your experience to date as a Bomber ?

Better never starts.

Who is the Bomber you would most like to be trapped in a lift with, and why ?

Alastair. I feel safe with him.

Who is the Bomber you most dread being trapped in a lift with, and why ?

Marky. I don’t want to see another man masturbate, and I think that would happen.

What is your 'secret sauce' as a Bomber ?

A can of mother about 20 minutes before kick-off.

Best memory of the Bombers 2015 season ?

May 25, July 26 and August 26 post match reviews.

Worst memory of the Bombers 2015 season ?

Each shot on goal.

Hansie. Discuss.

I can’t and won’t say a bad word against the man. I saw what happened to Roger. Nice try. (Drat - Ed).

Who is the Bomber you would turn for ?

Maybe Tiberius, but wouldn’t you get sick of cleaning the fake tan off your body all the time? I’ll go for Gyles. At his age, I think it would be more about companionship without too much vigour.

What are your hopes and dreams for the 2016 season ?

That Google never indexes our post match reviews and “the mortgage payers of Island Bay”, or “the mouthy, dyspeptic, Ritalin-deprived tangerines from the Badlands” don’t get internet before they play us.