This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #?

April 6, 2012

Happy Friday!

I hope you all had a great week and I hope you enjoyed the posts and I hope you have great plans for this weekend and I hope those plans turn into great memories and I hope you don’t end up in a Mexican jail and I hope you come back next week to read more KSWI and I hope you are successful in life both sexually and financially and then you know maybe you could like invent something that saves us from a third World War or like AIDs or at the very least shitty movie remakes of other movies that were good, so just think about that and how much you love me or like me more than a friend and drink some cranberry juice because it tastes good and it keeps your plumbing in order.

Well, I looked over the entire internet and is there anything worth talking about?

I don’t know.

Football? I’m kind of tired of the Gregg Williams scandal. Oh the New Orleans Saints had a bounty program? But no one else in the NFL has a bounty program or has heard of one? Let me tell you something, when they said that Gregg Williams had a “bounty program” I knew exactly what the fuck a bounty program was without anyone needing to explain it to me because a bounty program is not a new idea and it comes up every year and I’ve never played in the NFL and I know that.

UFC? A guy named Alistair Overeem who looks like an anime character come to life with an unGodly amount of muscles tested positive for WAY TOO MUCH testosterone this week and will not be fighting for the heavyweight title anytime soon. So, Overeem used to fight at 205 pounds for light-heavyweight and nowadays cuts from 280 pounds to make the 266 pound limit for heavyweight. And of those near 80 pounds of weight, it’s all muscle. So, is it a shocker to anyone that his testosterone was at 14x that of a normal person? Nope.

Movies? Well, most of them suck and we usually only see them because they’re filled with people we would pay our hard earned money to cuddle fuck with.

Gosling? I saw he saved an idiot British woman wearing a pink from getting run over by a taxi. What a stupid ass woman. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure at this point chicks have a noticeable orgasm tremor just at the mere mention of the dude’s name and rightfully so. And I get it. I have a difficult time watching some actresses act because I’m too focused on wanting to have sex with them and how angry I am that that will never happen for a number of reasons and that number is so high that there isn’t even a name yet invented for that number. I saw a message board thread (one of the reasons, I belong to a message board) the other day and it’s title was “actresses you have a crush on”. Ummmm, all of them. That’s the whole fucking point! I mean am I really buying that actress X is actually a ___ in such and such movie? Nope. She’s hot and I like looking at her. Same goes for Gosling. He’s supposed to be a cop who kickboxes a gangster in Thailand in his next movie? Does that make any fucking sense at all? Nope. But he’s hot and he’ll have no shirt on for most of the movie, so we’ll all see it.

Kanye and Kim? Kanye West loves Kim Kardashian? No shit. First off, I do too. On both of them. I love Kanye and Kim. Secondly, what’s not to love? She’s a big bootied, big boobied, Princess Jasmine who has a penchant for fucking famous black dudes. Seriously?! How could Kanye not love her? My favorite part of that rap song was when he said that he could have asked Jay Z to kick him off the New Jersey Nets. If Kanye had done that and Jay Z did that, I would have gotten a tattoo in tribute to my never ending love for them simply because of that. And why wouldn’t Jay do that? The Nets suck. They’re losing with Humphries, what’s the big deal if they’re losing without him?

Santorum? It’s about time for Rick to drop out and admit he wasted all those peoples’ money that supported him just so he could get back into the public spotlight and land a gig on Fox News. Honestly, I looked at Fox News’ website to see a list of the anchors and there are a million and Santorum is overly qualified to say stupid propaganda on their channel. He’ll be one of the very few who actually have political experience. It’s like him and Karl Rove and that’s it.

Obama? I want to see Michelle Obama debate and destroy whatever the name of Mitt Romeny’s stepford wife is. Who cares who the Vice Presidents are at this point? Biden? No one cares about Joe Biden anymore. As for Mitt’s hypothetical VP? It can’t be better or worse than Sarah Palin, so screw that noise. Let’s get the First Lady talking a blue streak on Romney’s woman who doesn’t know whether or not she’s wealthy. Bitch, you a billionaire! That’s wealthy.

Kristen Stewart? She fucking wants IT. Where ever the fuck she is, she is wanting IT. Do you think I’m playing? Look how much she wants IT in the trailer for SWATH. Oh she is wanting the shit out of some SWATH. Riding horses, running through fire, swinging swords, communicating with mythological creatures, talking in a British accent. It’s all fucking want. What’s she doing in the On the Road trailer? Wanting IT. Dancing, driving around naked, other stuff. It’s all fucking want.

Me? I’m hopefully going to a benefit concert tonight for a record store in my hometown that burned down and lost all their inventory and money and everything. I am a little worried about getting into this concert because it sounds like it is in someone’s apartment and only 10 people will be able to fit into it. If I drive all the way to New Brunswick (like 40 minutes) and I can’t get into this damn concert, I’m probably going to Yelp a bar and get drunk by myself. Sounds like a fucking plan.

Have a great weekend.

I love you all almost as much as I love Kanye West, which is saying a lot because I fucking love that dude.

He told the world that President George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people. GOOD LORD THAT WAS THE BEST!

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6 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #?”

You´re such a funny-witty guy, wish I knew you in person. I found our website via Twitarded about a year ago or so, best finding ever! Just wanted to stop by, say hello and let you know that I read you every day. Ok, that`s all. Bye!

If the benefit is a fail, Yelp your way to Tumulty’s Pub and head downstairs – I’ll buy you a drink (this is not a pass – I’ll be there with my husband and I am too old for you anyway plus I have absolutely nothing in common with Kim Kardashian other than two X chromosomes – but can’t a blogger offer a fellow blogger a drink? I’ll make Jenny Jerkface buy you one, too).

I wish Kanye West and Ryan Gosling would hook up. That would be a show I’d pay to see.

That moment when Kanye said that W didn’t care about Black people, that was amazing. Because W probably really didn’t care about Black people and because Michael Myers was totally caught off guard and did that “Austin Powers” doubletake. My god that was a high point of my life. In retrospect, at the time I was a conservative christian stepford housewife who thought Kanye West was the devil incarnate.