Wedding Wednesday: Guest List Drama

This could technically be my second in my new “Real Talk” series, because in order to really discuss this, it has to be “real talk.” I have a feeling what I’m about to share will resonate with those who are planning / have planned a wedding and will probably annoy those who have never planned a dinner party for 150 of their closest friends. So…here goes!

If you’ve been involved with planning a wedding, you know that one of the first things you do is sketch out your guest list. The number of people that will be in attendance dictates many things about your wedding, from the venue to transportation to…perhaps most importantly, the number of guests determines how much pretty much everything costs! If you are like K and I (i.e. fortunate enough to have some help paying for the wedding, but still contributing a not insignificant amount of your own [limited] cash), then you will think very carefully about the guest list. Naturally, you’ll start with those closest to you – family, friends that have known you for years, etc. Then you move on to the tougher selections – thinking about people who may be new additions to your life or people that are part of various groups. For example, can you afford to invite your whole flag football team? Can you afford to invite everyone in your small group at church? Can you afford to invite all of your office buddies? You will probably have to answer “no” to some of those questions.

And then comes the pushback. I have had a couple people ask me causally about their lack of an invitation (well, save the date) to the wedding. Those conversations have gone like this:

Person: “Hey, so I didn’t get an invite.”

Me: “Yeah, while we love you, we just can’t afford to invite everyone to the wedding.”

Person: “Yeah, I understand.”

While I would never question someone as to why I didn’t get an invitation to a wedding, when it’s worded similarly to the above scenario, I am at least not filled with rage. However, I’ve also had more than one person send me a text message demanding to know where their save the date was. Those folks did not only not get a save the date, they didn’t get a response because I knew I would have nothing nice to say. After speaking with some married (and engaged) friends, I learned that this is all too common. Here’s the thing, y’all: you can’t take it personally if you discover that you haven’t been invited to a wedding. Sure, if it is your best friend of 15 years — take it personally (and maybe it’s time for some “real talk” of your own with that friend). But if someone that you’ve known for just a year or two and maybe you’ve hung out a few times gets engaged, don’t assume that you will automatically warrant an invitation. Not because they don’t enjoy your company or because the time you’ve spent together meant nothing – simply because weddings are extremely expensive and most people can’t afford to invite everyone they’d like to. Ask yourself this: would you be willing to treat that person to a $150 dinner? Because that’s roughly the cost per person on weddings in the Washington DC metro area (and many other areas across the country). Your answer is probably no, which makes sense. Try and remember that and grant your newly engaged friend a little grace and give them the benefit of the doubt that cost is the primary reason you aren’t on the guest list.*

Has anyone else dealt with this situation?

* I’ve also had situations where a friend suddenly had numerous folks turn down a wedding invitation and then invite a group of former coworkers (myself included) a couple weeks before the wedding. She was gracious and honest and I completely understood that she had other folks that she had to invite — and I also completely understood our “b list” invitation and happily accepted it! So be nice – it may work out that there is more wiggle room in the guest list than initially anticipated!

I’m linking up again with Jordon and Meredith for Wedding Wednesday – definitely check those ladies out!

Comments

Nicely worded Courtney! We had a destination wedding so we only had immediate family and close friends. ( as it turned out we don’t even speak with those friends anymore). Years later I often look back and wished I had invited more people, but you can never predict who will be in or out of your life ten years from now!Meranda@fairytalesandfitness recently posted…Running isn’t the only thing going on at Disney!

I totally understand your frustration. Its frustrating but whats even worse is people who RSVP and then just don’t show up!!!!! We had 150 solid “YES” we accounted for 160 people, we probably had 120ish show. We also had a B list, in order to do so we sent out our invitations with RSVP date a little earlier than most when we started getting “no’s” we sent more out.

Wow, I have not gotten any such questions! Guess my wedding is less in demand 😛 I can’t believe people would demand to know where their save the date was! But I also def have a “b list” of local friends (that I obviously haven’t known all that long) in case we get more declinations than anticipated, and I hope they will be as gracious as you were.

I was wondering where my save the date was 😉 seriously, that’s kinda rude to ASK via text. I wouldn’t respond either. This stuff happens, there are other ways to celebrate the bride and groom outside of the wedding – people are just self absorbed in that way.Mar @ Mar on the Run! recently posted…Note to Self: Just Breathe…

Hi Hun! Love this wedding linkup and oh my goodness I feel ya with the guest list. Hands down one of the most unfun parts of wedding planning. Sheesh. And you will disappoint someone no matter what…but when they plan a wedding one day, it will all make sense to them ;)! Xx.Hope @ Hope in a Blog recently posted…Our Charlotte Engagement Party

Yeah, it’s crazy how people are about weddings. I had one girl call the day before to say she couldn’t come unexpectedly. Fine, and at least she called. But then she called again the day of the wedding to say she changed her mind and would be coming to the wedding after all! Also, I had one person randomly bring his son and the son’s girlfriend without a call in advance. Umm… where am I supposed to put unexpected guests! I’ve noticed that it tends to be people who haven’t put on a wedding or big event so I guess maybe they just don’t understand everything that goes into it?Chaitali recently posted…Interesting running articles

I heard so many horror stories about guest lists, similar to what you’re saying above. Thankfully, I haven’t had to deal with this because my fiance has about 10 people on his family side of the guest list. I think you’re handling it exactly as you should! And I applaud you for not being rude back to those ones demanding an answer – I’m not so sure I could do the same!Samantha recently posted…“Trust me, you can dance.” – Vodka

Hey, Courtney! Thanks for checking out my blog. You’re a “no-reply” blogger, so I couldn’t reply via email, but I just wanted to say hi! I know EXACTLY what you mean with this. I don’t know about you, but I would NEVER have the audacity to ask someone it was invited to their wedding!! Unfortunately, at my fiancee’s grandmother’s funeral last month, people I’D NEVER MET came up to me telling me that I needed their address so that I could send them an invitation… I’m convinced some of them didn’t even know my name. I sort of just said “okay” and avoided them and needless to say “forgot” to get their addresses… whoops. I don’t feel too bad because it’s not like I’m going to ever see many of them again…Meg recently posted…Wedding Wednesday: Save the Dates

Love your grace on the reply. I had several occasions people ask me why they hadn’t gotten a Save The Date or Invite yet. Sometimes, the answer was “Well, because I haven’t sent them out yet…” And sometimes, you had to be the bearer of bad news for them. Sadly, in most of my cases, it was people who I think just wanted to say they were invited. Great post, glad to know I wasn’t alone!!Sara recently posted…Wedding Wednesday: First Look(s)

I completely understand your frustrations, Courtney. We went through much of the same when we were planning our wedding a couple years ago. Its often difficult for people who aren’t married or engaged to understand just how much weddings these days cost, and that while some of us would love to host a party for hundreds of people, the reality of economics can’t support those dreams. Just remember to invite the people who are most important to you and your future hubby, and think about whether or not those people would invite you to their own celebration.Kathryn @ Dancing to Running recently posted…Team #runDisney January Photo A Day Challenge

Yep, I’ve been here! I kind of don’t understand it though. I mean, when people even get a hint that a wedding is going to happen they go INSANE trying to get invited! It makes no sense to me! I mean, my wedding was totally the best event in the history of the universe (kidding!) but I still don’t get all the hysteria and family/friend drama that comes out of a lack of invites. The kind of sucky part is that if you’re getting financial assistance from people, they may have a say in the guest list. Luckily my parents weren’t demanding and didn’t ask me to invite people that I didn’t want there, but I’ve heard of that happening. My biggest guest list drama was that my husband’s grandma wanted to invite her 3 friends to the wedding. I have never met those people, and at $120 a person I was NOT going to invite them when it meant that I had to invite 3 less friends! There was a ton of drama with that one since his grandma was being a bit irrational about it 🙁 but now we’re married and the world didn’t end just because they weren’t there! Moral of the story is that it’s your money so invite who you want. People will get over it! Good luck!Kristen recently posted…Wednesday Wisdom: How to Run the Disney Princess Half Marathon!

You know, I didn’t want to deal with any of that when I got married. So my husband and I flew to the Bahamas for 10 days and got married on the beach with no one there, no family, no friends, no one. I think that was the most relaxing vacation I’ve had, lol. You’ll have a wonderful wedding. Just don’t listen to others opinions because it’s YOUR day. Love from SITS!Corrie Blackmon recently posted…Kids & Technology: Is it Still Unhealthy if Used Correctly?

We had to cut a few people we would have liked to invited and it really sucked when they were people we worked with or are in other circles where we *did* invite people. We just didn’t have a choice though, we had to. We also ended up inviting a few people we had been friends with for a while and thought would be in our lives for a long time to come, but ended up falling out of touch with soon after the wedding.

In the end, you do the best you can and if people can’t understand why they weren’t invited, maybe it’s a good reason you ended up cutting them!Amelia recently posted…One year on HRT!

yes yes yes! i’m totally paranoid abot just inviting someone and then not talking to them much afterwards. i feel like everyone we invited will be a part of our lives for awhile. most of the guests who are not family, i’ve been friends with for 5+ years. only a handful (probably 10) folks have i known less than that, which i’m proud of. you’re right — we did (and are doing) the best we can and that just has to be okay!