Sharks Don’t Kill People, Selfies Do!

It has been revealed this week that selfie-taking has claimed more lives than shark attacks this year. The art of selfie-taking has always been known to be a waste of time but now it is known that it could, in fact, be lethal. This is because selfie extremists are now going to great heights and lengths to take the perfect selfie, which many would argue is natural selection just doing its thing.

For centuries, sharks have been symbols of terror. However now it has been revealed that actually we should fear being on the Royal Mile, at the Castle or with the penguins at the Zoo. These locations, and many more around Scotland, can lead to an urge to sharing your experience with your internet friends, which can lead to death. Indeed, there have even been people eaten by sharks whilst trying to take selfies with them. Which according to the Professor of Stupid Deaths, at Harvard, “Properly fucks with the figures”.

Nicola Sturgeon called the demonisation of sharks a “national shame”. In an interview with Flipside, Sturgeon responded to calls by the Scottish Shark Association, for a formal apology. The SNP leader said “I do wholeheartedly apologise. Also did you know that if you rearrange SNP, it stands for the National Anti-Selfie Pro-Shark Association”. She added, off record, that under a SNP government, Instagram and Facebook would be nationalised to prevent Westminster manipulating selfies.

David Cameron could not be reached for comment. His office did however blame the problem on Labour for overspending when they were in power half a decade ago and not “tackling the problem head-on”. The Conservatives, however, are yet to combat the problem.