Mom Answers

I am an attachment therapist. I work almost exclusively with adopted kids. I don't see anything wrong with what the adoptive mom here did with her son. She was firm. She wasn't physically or emotionally harsh. She didn't belittle or berate him. She didn't isolate him. She made her expectations clear and followed through with them in a non-punitive way.
Basically, she did just what I would advocate that my clients do.

Lady, if you knew my son you would know he's NOT afraid of me and he's NOT afraid to act up around me. He's a normal kid and he behaves like one, and he certainly is not shy about testing the limits repeatedly and often (and I wouldn't have it any other way). Just because he's adopted from an orphanage doesn't mean he's not capable of learning how to behave himself. I'm not physically or emotionally violent to my kid. I rock him to sleep, I cuddle him, I push him on the swing, I giggle and tickle with him. I also don't tolerate hitting, and I don't abandon him to a chair. I sit beside him while he's in the chair.
"Children who have spent time in orphanages will do anything in their power to comply with adult expectations once they know what they are, you child is paranoid that you "will" hit him someday and you are confirming this by touching him in a painful way."
It's pretty clear you know very little about children in orphanages if you think it's really true that ALL will do anything to meet your expectations. Also, I DO NOT EVER touch my children in painful ways. I held my son's wrist firmly so that he wouldn't smack me in the face. I did not squeeze his wrist or yank his wrist or slap him around. I held his wrist firmly and looked him in the eye and said, "NO HITTING!"
Perhaps it would have been better had I just pitied him because he started life in an orphanage and let him run wild? Perhaps letting my kids be undisciplined would be the greater gift to them? Maybe I should teach my kids that because they are adopted, they are broken somehow and should't be subjected to (or expected to meet) my reasonable behavioral standards?
My kid is happy and thriving and I am not misparenting him.
Btw, I have several kids, so I have a lot of experience with children from a variety of backgrounds.

Telling an angry, emotional child that their behavior is "unacceptable" too abstract. You have to do something concrete.
I suggest firmly planting your child in a chair, using a strong voice to tell him to NEVER hit, and leaving him in the chair long enough that he gets good and bored. The one-minute-per-year-of-age rule is too short. When my kids act up like that, they sit in a chair for a MINIMUM of 15 minutes (five minutes per year of age, in my daughter's case). I periodically remind them of why they are in the chair.
You have to make the consequence of the action painful enough (and I don't mean physically plainful, I mean unpleasant) that they don't care to repeat it.
I used to read about gentle discipline and letting your kids express feelings and all that jazz. Now I have realized that kids look to parents to define limits and TEACH them how to behave. Bland platitudes like "That's not acceptable" are not concrete enough.
Ps. My son came from an orphanage where, apparently, hitting was acceptable. One of the ways we solved his hitting issue was by grabbing his wrist very firmly when he pulled his arm back to hit, looking him straight in the eyes, and saying in a loud voice, "NO HITTING!" Then he was plunked in the chair. He stopped hitting in a matter of days.

Caren - You have to show them that it hurts when you are hit! Just like I firmly believe in biting back a child who bites (not hard enough to break the skin, just enough to make it hurt). It shows them what it feels like and that they don't want it done to them.

My daughter recently started hitting when she gets mad or frustrated (terrible two's). She gets one warning a day. I grab her had, maker her look me in the eye so I know she is paying attention and tell her "No hitting. That is not acceptable. It hurts people when you hit. This is your one and only warning. If you hit again, you go strait to time out." Then, I follow through. Even if it is hours later. I tell her to "remember what Mommy said about hitting? That is not allowed and you did it anyway, go straight to time out." It is slowly working and I really only have to give the one warning on most days. Of course she does have her moments. Now I just have to work on the back talking (NO! Mommy!). It takes a bit of time, but it does work.
Good luck

Tell him not to do that again, or it will result in consequences. My daughter Molly, now 7, used to do that, too. One day, she hit her father, and he slapped her a good one (not hard enough to make a bruise, but hard enough so that she din't do it again), and she never hit anyone again.

YOU ARE MY HERO JAMIEJOE0029!!! I agree, you have to listen to the advice people give, but in the end do what works for you as long as your not abusing your child. Different things work for different people. My first son was extreamly mild mannored. Made my life a cake walk. he went through a biting stage for all of a few days. I did finally have to flick him on the cheek. He got the message and stopped. He even apologized (after I did of course). I'm terrified that because that one was such an "easy" child this one is gonna be a little hellraiser. GOOD LUCK!!!

help!!!!!! i have a 3 year old son who hits me when he gets mad and no one else is around. he throws big sticks at me and cups of water at me and he tries to pee on me. im taking to therapy for behavior and learning skills. my husband has never hit me so i dont know where this comes from. we do not throw things at eachother and im getting fed up. im worried that if this continues i will lose control one day and really hurt him. i have tried everything from standing in the corner to going to his room to taking toys away to time outs. i am lost. i am a stay at home mom amd im with him most of the time. this is getting to be rutine for him to just hit me or throw something. everytime he comes around me i flinch because i dont know what he has or what hes going to do. who is scared of a 3 year old? really? if you can help please givee me some ideas i havent already thought of. thank you

I am at my wits end with my toddler. He is 2 and 9 months, cute, and extremely challenging. You would think I am a first time mother if you saw how stressed out I am with his tantrums, frustration, and aggressive behavior,but I have a 12 year-old, and a 15 year-old who were exceptionally easy compared to him. Nothing that worked with them works with him and I find myself nearly losing my mind. Boy I really thought I had it down with the parenting thing and now I realize it's going to be a whole new ball game. He is evidently great with other adults, and at his daycare. Absolutely nothing me or my husband do makes him happy and he is a major manipulator already. We do not believe in spanking, but recently come to the realization that maybe it does work with some children. We used positive reinforcement as well as an authoritative method of parenting with the older children, but it is just not working. I've signed up for parenting classes and I am nervous about the future. Help!

I believe in time outs and spanking. I only have one child but I have been in child care for many years. I am all for time outs, and spanking should be to get the childs attention and not to hurt the child. My nephew hit his mother quite often and my uncle (who was a pediatric nurse for 20 years) told her to gently hit him back. The next time he hit her, she hit his hand and he was so shocked he never did it again. This is jmo....I hope I DON'T have to spank my daughter but if I did I can guarantee I won't feel like a bad parent. My heart would still hurt though :)

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