Marvel's Agents of SHIELD, episode five, Channel 4, review

Michael Hogan reviews the fifth episode of Marvel's Agents of SHIELD

Another superhero was born in Marvel’s Agents Of SHIELD (Channel 4) but by the end of the episode, he was dead. Oh well, he couldn’t act anyway. Besides, the most urgent saviour needed round here is for someone to rescue the US action series’ dodgy scripts.

We opened in a Hong Kong market, where the elusive Raina (played with understated relish by Irish actress Ruth Negga) kidnapped a street magician (the painfully wooden Louis Ozawa Changchien) with the ability to make fire in the palm of his hand. It could prove a nifty trick, what with the recent rise in fuel prices.

There were some neatly self-referential lines as Raina gave Chan Ho Yin a superhero handle. “You need a simpler name. A more powerful name. A name like…. Scorch! Have you ever heard of Steve Rogers? No. But Captain America? Now he’s on the news, lunchboxes, posters on the wall…”

SHIELD boss Phil Coulson (the dryly charismatic Clark Gregg) later realised the extent of the problem they had with the rogue pyromaniac, muttering: “Oh crap, they gave him a name.”

Meanwhile, “hacktivist”-turned-SHIELD agent Skye (Chloe Bennet) turned out to be harbouring a dark secret. Specifically, harbouring it inside her bra. This gave the producers an excuse for gratuitous shots of Bennet in her underwear.

The agents raced to save Scorch from the evil Centipede organisation’s even more evil Extremis serum, despite old hot-hands being so unlikeable, he didn’t really deserve saving. Cue a car chase, some chop-socky fight scenes and lots of fireballs thrown around. A couple of poor people got their faces melted like the Nazis at the end of Raiders Of The Lost Ark.

There were some unsubtle Guantanamo Bay metaphors, with Skye’s hacktivist lover Miles whingeing about “due process” and “human rights”, like a student with a Che Guevara poster on his wall. He did this in SHIELD’s interrogation room, which has hexagon-patterned walls reminiscent of the Blockbusters board. I’ll have an S please, Bob. Followed by an H, I, E, L and D.

The wider story arcs also progressed. Skye confessed that she’d joined SHIELD to find her mysterious long-lost parents, while Raina visited a villain in prison to tell him about her experiments and ask him to contact “the Clairvoyant". An upcoming cameo for Mystic Meg, perhaps?

Yet it was difficult to get swept up in the plot due to the distractingly clunky script. Although series supremo Joss Whedon’s dialogue fizzed with his trademark whip-smartness in brief flashes, most of the time it was crammed with crowbarred exposition and hammy cliché. “I will have to pierce your shell and gaze within,” Raina purred to Scorch. He returned the compliment in wince-worthy fashion: “You are a beautiful angel, you know that?”

The dialogue at SHIELD HQ wasn’t any better, with Miles telling Skye: “You’ve sacrificed your principles to join a corrupt institution” and “You’ve changed.” In case we were confused, he helpfully added: “You’re not who you used to be.”

Nor is Whedon on this evidence. Agents Of SHIELD desperately needs to wring better performances out of its cast and Whedon must make his writers raise their game. Otherwise, viewers could find themselves losing patience with what started out as a promising series.