6 Telltale Signs of the Perfectionist Personality

Once upon a time, it used to take me up to 12 hours of agonized obsession to produce one article worthy of being published.

I would sit at my desk, hunched over my notebook staring into the blank Word document for what seemed like hours, my mind swarming feverishly with ideas. The only problem was that whenever I began writing I would instantly stop after one sentence, read through it, re-read through it, delete it, write it again, re-write it again, delete it again, re-write it again … you get the picture.

Being a perfectionist is crippling. There is nothing as excruciating in the creative world as being a person bursting with passion, potential and ideas, but not being able to express this with unbridled freedom. The same goes for the rest of life: perfectionism cripples us in every arena, whether it be academic, artistic, scientific, personal or interpersonal.

It’s no wonder that many of us perfectionist types wind up with anxiety, depression, and a sense of haunting unfulfillment and personal failure.

6 Symptoms of the Perfectionist Personality

Being a perfectionist is not simply about harboring the immobilizing desire to be perfect; it extends much deeper than that. Here are some well-known and not-so-well-known signs that you might have a perfectionist personality:

You have low self-esteem as a result of finding your self-worth in what you do rather than who you innately are.

Because you derive your self-esteem from the external world, you are highly sensitive to criticism or rejection of any kind from other people, as this causes you to genuinely believe that you are “worthless,” “a failure,” “stupid” and “bad.”

You are a people-pleaser as a result of wanting to avoid having your self-worth shattered by others and their criticism.

You have the mistaken belief that you can control the outcome of circumstances, and what other people think and say about you if only you are “good” enough. This is a self-protective mechanism that prevents you from feeling your own inner fragility and lack of self-esteem.

You are therefore a control freak, and find it hard to let loose, be spontaneous, and relax.

You might also notice that when you become anxious or depressed, you begin the cycle of perfectionism again by trying to “be the best” and to control the outcome of what you do to gain praise, approval, rewards, and acceptance.

Consciously you might be aware of all this obsessive, cyclical behavior like I was, but yet you might not know how to stop. You might feel as though you are desperately peddling a hamster wheel that is getting you nowhere, and yet you don’t know how to jump off because of all the momentum you have built through years of psychological habituation.

How to Stop Being the Perfectionist Junkie – 3 Lessons

There is a lot of seemingly “rational” advice out there for those with perfectionist personality types, but a lot of it is completely unhelpful. Why? Because I suspect that most of the advice given is from people who haven’t struggled with crippling perfectionism, and also, most of the advice focuses on curing the symptoms, not the root cause of perfectionism.

For example, I have never found the following pieces of advice, “Learn to relax,” “See the middle ground” and, “Surrender” to be very helpful because they only skim the surface of what it means to suffer from a perfectionist personality.

My advice is to go to the root cause of your suffering first. This is what I learned:

1. Explore the deeper need behind your perfectionism.

Here are a few examples. Firstly, you might be intolerant and impatient towards your fellow colleagues about a deadline, resenting their lax attitude. What is behind your intolerance? What need can you uncover? You might find that you have a deeper need to feel job security as you worry that your team’s behavior might impact your position. Or perhaps you might feel the need to be perfectly likable, presentable, and brilliant at conversation when meeting new people. What is the deeper need behind these desires and behaviors? You might discover that you have a deeper need to find acceptance, belonging or a sense of pride in yourself. How can you better meet this need without trying to be perfect?

Whenever we feel the need to control someone, some aspect of ourselves, or something in our lives, there is always an underlying feeling of psychological or emotional instability that is trying to be soothed. When you consciously discover the underlying need behind your destructive behavior, you can approach your pain, worry, and frustration from a place of understanding.

2. Cultivate unconditional self-acceptance.

When I struggled with intense perfectionism, self-love was a completely alien concept to me. I wholeheartedly believed that I was just as worthy as what people thought, felt, and said about me; and if that was bad, terrible, or somehow lacking, then I was the scum of the earth. Unfortunately, many of us who grew up in households with critical and judgmental parents that withheld their love when we were “bad” and rewarded us with it when we were “good,” develop perfectionist complexes.

When you come to realize that what people think, feel or say about you has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with their own biases, assumptions and misconceptions, you can slowly untangle yourself from the web of deception you have been conditioned into.

Using your chaotic, frantic emotions as triggers, you can start to become conscious of the many patterns of thought and belief that accompany you in everyday life. You can use these terrible feelings to say to yourself, “STOP. How can I love/accept myself no matter what happens?”

Slowly, as you learn to interrupt your patterns of perfectionism, and question the thoughts and feelings that arise within you, you can shift your goal of pleasing other people to pleasing yourself.

3. Perfectionism is only one character at your table.

Many people get very wound up in a victimized perception of themselves as being “chronic perfectionists,” or “raging control freaks.” While having a personality prone to perfectionism can be really tough to deal with, don’t let yourself fall into the trap of victimhood and dramatization.

It took me a long time to realize that the perfectionist “character” is just one facet of “me.” Like the knights at the round table, realize that The Perfectionist is only one of manyshadow characters within you that needs to be acknowledged, but respectfully put in its place.

It’s also important that you honor the gifts that The Perfectionist character within you brings as well. For example, I discovered that my Perfectionist character allows me to honor deadlines and produce well-thought-out and quality pieces of writing. But when this character is out of control, it fuels me with fear, tension, anger, and irritability.

Being conscious of your over-identification with The Perfectionist will allow you to keep the process of growth and healing alive rather than stagnant.

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Now that you’ve reached the end of this article, what will your next step be? I recommend taking some time out to reflect alone and undisturbed about your life. How do you treat yourself when The Perfectionist personality character overtakes the seat of power within you? How do you treat other people? Furthermore, reflect on the opportunity this pain and difficulty in your life brings you to experience true, unconditional self-acceptance.

Every white needs its black to be appreciated and understood, and perfectionism might just be your doorway to experiencing – and understanding – true self-love.

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About Aletheia Luna

Aletheia Luna is an influential psychospiritual writer whose work has changed the lives of thousands of people worldwide. After escaping the religious sect she was raised in, Luna experienced a profound existential crisis that led to her spiritual awakening. As a spiritual counselor, diviner, and author, Luna's mission is to help others become conscious of their entrapment and find joy, empowerment, and liberation in any circumstance. [Read More]

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For the longest time I thought that when
someone referred to me as being a perfectionist,..that it was a compliment. For
years I thought that. But the truth is that the notion of being referred to as a
perfectionist made it even harder for me to break out of the cycle. It’s not a
compliment. It’s a prison.

The problem with being a perfectionist is that it doesn’t propel me to put out
great work, it stops me from doing ANY work. Because if I can’t be the
greatest, then why be anything at all? And so I’ve lived in the silent passion
of “the things I’d like to do”. And God’s gifts ultimately go unopened.

I’ve done many things in my life, as I imagine most people have, and I’ve almost
always started every adventure from a place of “loving” to do it.
Art, acting, music,…and the list goes on.
And then for some reason, they all stopped. Because I stopped doing them. I
fell out of love. Because like with any good relationship, you’ve gotta work at
it. And I became afraid to make a mistake and I cowered from the human
experience. Exhausted from reaching for the stars. I don’t even recognize
myself creatively anymore. I’m not sad. I’m awake. Sometimes they look like the
same thing.

I’ve awakened to the fact that my perfectionism has caused a major rift between my
children and I. There’s “parenting”,…and then there’s what I do. I put huge
expectations upon my sons, they don’t meet them, and then I wonder why we’re drifting apart. If
you’re in a boat and the only time you ever put your hand in the water is to make
a wave, you’re going to drift from the shore. That seems simple enough to
understand. People are no different from the world in which we live.

It seems like the only time I speak with my sons lately is to either make a demand or to
report a displeasure. They’re not perfect,…and I never let them forget it. It’s
like a bell ringing in my head when I look back on that statement. I’m
incredibly hard on them. I’m incredibly hard on me. Neither of us have been
very happy…

I think that part of getting past being a perfectionist is to let go of trying to make
up for past discretions. What’s done is done and can’t be undone. Science
hasn’t figured out a way around that one yet. The glimmer of hope is that I
care. Enough to read. Enough to write. Enough to do the work that is necessary
until I make peace with that being that is my true self.

We all know the saying that “If nothing changes, nothing changes.” Writing this is an
effort to change.

Sean, right here I can read that you are CONSCIOUS of your behavior, and that really is a miracle because so few of us are. Now you can use this consciousness to be mindful of what you do. Today, right now, is always the best time to turn over a new leaf and start again. We all have to do this frequently throughout life. I’m with you here. Perfectionism can be hell. Acceptance and forgiveness is the cure.

Thank You for sharing this article and letting me know that I am no the only one who has these qualities. Regardless of the negative effects of this personality type, I am in love with it and ready to embrace it. I am not compromising one bit of it as I am also aware of the positive effects of it.

I really liked your article and sadly connected with it 100%… :( I am definitely a ‘Perfectionist Personality’ and feel it has and is negatively affecting my outlook on life (especially in my relationships with people). For as long as I can remember I have felt different (almost alien) to others. Often I feel like I belong to a different species and totally unconnected and uninterested in other people because of it. I check every box on your symptom list and am rather sensitive and overtly critical of myself and others. As a result I am certain that I have unconsciously and occasionally consciously pushed friends & family away due my inability to accept their apathy, imperfection, nuance, personality, etc.

I know I am a ‘Perfectionist’ and a ‘Control Freak’ in many ways, which I thought had possibly been serving me well ‘historically speaking’. However in recent years I feel it has become detrimental. I am both happy and sad to hear that I am not the only one whom has/is experiencing this and wish I had read/explored this a long time ago.

Thank you so much for writing this article. I could identify with EVERYTHING in it, especially the part about not being able to just relax and let go. I realize that although I’m ultimately hurting myself the most by being this way, that I also push others away by pointing out their “imperfections”. Just this week, my sister, who is young enough to be my daughter, stayed with me for a few days. During her visit, I critically pointed out everything from her loud eating to her dirty feet on the couch. Sure, a 7 year-old benefits from some guidance, but not when it makes her feel uncomfortable to be herself. I was raised in a manner that encouraged self-expression one moment and suppressed it the next; the result has been confusion about who I really am and the constant desire to mold myself into everyone else’s idea of perfect (an impossible and frustrating feat). Besides what you’ve mentioned in your article, are there any other tools you’ve used to help yourself keep your perfectionism in check?
Thank you again!

I regularly exercise to get rid of all of my pent up tension (find a sport you enjoy playing). Also, taking regular trips in nature helps to balance your energy and remind you of what really matters. Other than that I don’t use any tools per say, but I have heard that strategically setting off alarms every few hours helps you to become centered and reminds you to become self-aware. Personally, I wouldn’t rely on these unless you have a really, really difficult time being self-aware as they form a crutch. But this tool can be useful at the start. ;)
Thanks for reading.

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About Us

Walk the path less traveled

Our names are Aletheia Luna and Mateo Sol and we currently live in Perth, Western Australia.

Our mission is to help others embrace the path of the lone wolf and listen to the soul’s calling. Our goal is to provide a grounded and balanced perspective of spirituality that doesn’t bypass the raw, real, and messy aspects of spiritual growth or psychological development.

We are deeply drawn to exploring and exposing both the light and shadow side of human nature and spirituality. We strive towards integration, balance, wholeness, and embracing both the sacred and wild aspects of being human. Read more.