January 14, 2008

can you imagine them co-starring in a buddy cop movie?

Oh, Jack Nicholson. Regrettably, I am not young enough to remember you as a doable movie star (nor have I seen any of your old movies, to be fair). So it’s disturbing when you’re being “cheeky.”

We get it. You were what people of a certain age fondly dubbed a ‘playboy,’ and what would currently be called a nympho-manslut. You, Paris Hilton and Keith Richards combined could easily provide an exhaustive catalog of all known STIs. You would give Wilt Chamberlain a run for his money. If there were a hall of fame for such a thing, you would be a first ballot inductee, and the lone douche who voted against you would be publicly ridiculed.

Interestingly, you and Victoria Beckham have overlapping social circles, the probability of which is as likely as Cher, Dick Cheney and Queen Elizabeth having a slumber party with wine coolers and the complete SATC DVD set. And bizarrely enough, she was your stylist for a photoshoot. (Posh? Stylist? I digress).

“She feels very good too. She’s a very firm person, you know. She’s in good shape.”

I agree that Mrs. Beckham’s body is firm. It’s probably as firm as steel beams or calcified mangoes. But coming from a septuagenarian, firm should only be used to describe one’s resolution/determination, not as a post-grope analysis.

Am I ageist? I don’t expect everyone eligible for retirement to stop being active and become asexual Disney characters. I’m just squeamish with no patience for overcompensation or excessive lechery.