1. There is no good food. I trust yelp even less here than anywhere else. 5 stars in Denver is 3 stars in Chicago. Anything less than 5 stars is wretched.

2. The worst drivers. Slow and blind. For fuck’s sake, there are other cars on the road. Fucking let people merge and USE YOUR GODDAMN TURNS SIGNALS.

3. Why are the men so fucking touchy-feely here? If one more man touches me without my consent, I am going lose my shit. I don’t know if this part of the country is more physically affectionate than I’m used to but DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME IF YOU DON’T KNOW ME. And even then, don’t fucking touch me unless you know we’re cool.

4. People are slow. They are not problem solvers. Don’t have any expectations of anyone ever thinking or doing anything proactively.

5. Where are the black folks and the Jews? I got no people here. This city is so damn bland.

6. Happy hours without food. Who the fuck does that? It’s dinner-time. Can a woman get some nachos?