What I’m not.

January 21, 2008

Over the past year or so I’ve been giving a lot of thought to who I am, and have been feeling somewhat lost because instead of becoming clearer, I seem to be loosing more and more of who I thought I was.

But I’ve just had a moment of revelation. The loss is part of the journey. I don’t know what will happen, or who I’ll become, but I’m becoming quite clear about what I am not.

I am not religious. This may suprise any readers who actually personally know me, but despite a very conservative religious upbringing and years of church and missions, I no longer feel “Christian”. I still sometimes go to church, but I longer feel I fit there. I’m not sure what my beliefs actually are, or whether they are even Christian, but I know they are not the conservative, evangelical Christianity I have spent most of my life following. Although it is a strange place to not know quite what I believe, it is enormously freeing. For the first time in my life I feel like I can explore the myriad of beliefs, philosphies and ideas that make up this world without guilt or preconcieved judgement and that is incredibly liberating.

I am not a mummy-type. I nearly wrote “I am not a Mummy” but that would be both emotionally and physically untrue. I am a Mummy and I love my daughter absolutely and completely. But I do not fit in the Mummy culture. I was a stay-at-home Mum for over a year and still only work part time. I firmly believe that parents are the best carers for under-3s, however I quickly got bored silly with coffee groups, play groups and the routine of being a stay-at-home Mum. I would drop eveything in a minute if my daughter needed me to be home but I am lucky that she gets good care from her father and grandmother and I am able to work and study. This makes me happier- and I’m think I am a better mother for it (although I have to confess some worry as she will need to go to daycare 3 days per week once we move).

I am not a nurse. Again, another stretching of the truth. I am a nurse, I just had my practising certificate renewed to prove it. What I mean here is that I am not particularly happy as a nurse in the conventional sense. While I really do care about my patients (and have had enough good feedback to presume I do a reasonably good job) it is increasingly difficult to motivate myself on clinic days, and I have found myself wishing patients would not show up for appointments. I naturally prefer to work with my head rather than my hands and accordingly have made a decision to change career tracks and persue an academic career in a different field. I want to help people and believe I can do it best using my natural skills and preferences. I think the world still needs thinkers!

So that is where I’m at. Less sure than I ever have been about who I am but knowing what I’m not. Perhaps my resolution for the year should be to make some progress on finding who I am. But it is a journey, it’s been an interesting one so far, and for once I think I will be content to just enjoy the ride- I’m very curious as to where it will take me.