Friday, February 19, 2010

Affairs, Divorce and Miscarriages

Today I am linking in with Kelly from Kelly's Korner for her "Show Us Your Ministry" I really wasn't planning on doing this, but it is laying heavy on my heart to share my story. I don't really consider it a ministry at all, but just a big part of my life and if it can speak to one person then I have done my job :)

I had a great life growing up - I came from a wonderful family where spouses stay true to one another, grand parents celebrate 50 years of wedding bliss and by your late 20's you have at least one kid with more on the way. This is what I wanted and expected.

I got married when I was 21 - I had dated B for over 2 years and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. A few months after we were married we found out we were expecting! We were shocked but so excited! Unfortunately, several weeks later, we had a miscarriage. Marriage was hard at first - especially financially, but we pulled through. Each year seemed to get better and better. Finally, in 2006, life was finally coming together (so I thought). We both had good jobs, making great money and things were really looking up. We decided to start trying for a baby, after months of trying I was faced with nothing but another miscarriage. We continued to try and nothing happened. I was dealing with such guilt of "what is wrong with me"?? God created woman to reproduce and I cant even do that one thing - the one thing that so many women seem to have no problem with. We decided to take a break and focus on something else. We bought our first home! I was so excited! It was amazing and the house was perfect. I would day dream about raising my kids there and how to decorate their rooms - I really believed that 2007 was going to be our year! We moved in Jan 2007 and almost immediately things started changing. B was becoming more and more distant. He was doing things he had never done before (like staying out really late on week nights) and his whole demeanor just changed. I had no idea what was going on. coming from a sheltered child hood, him having a affair did not even cross my mind. Finally by the end of March I knew something was not right, and i needed answers. I started hacking into his email and sneaking his phone to read text messages (something i had NEVER done before) and there it was right in front of me - emails from a friend of mine named S to my husband telling him how much she loves him and them talking about going apartment hunting together. I was in complete shock. I remember I just got up and left work and drove straight home and confronted him. He tried to defend himself, but couldn't...he knew he was caught and had messed up. He told me he loved me and me only, but wanted to separate. I agreed and asked him to go to marriage counseling. I was so angry and hurt by him, but I believed that you try everything you can before getting a divorce and I was willing to do that. During those two weeks of separation God showed me everything. I realized he had been spending tons of our money on this girl, that all the places and things he had said he was doing was not true - he was with her. It was a slap in the face. I knew deep in my heart that it was over, but I wanted to work it out so bad. I was ashamed and embarrassed - I never thought I would be one of "those people". I finally put it in Gods hands and told him that I couldn't do this anymore, that I was putting it all in his hands and that if we weren't supposed to be together then He had to do something to end it. It wasn't a week later Bcalled and said he did not want to work it out, he claimed he had ended it with S, but did not have it in him to work on our marriage. He wanted a divorce. I could not understand why. I had given this man everything and loved him unconditionally! That was when God reminded me of my prayer, he knew I couldn't end it, but he knew B could. I had to let go and move on. I filed for divorce and started on my painful journey. A few days after filing I found out that S was pregnant. Not only was I grieving over my divorce, but I instantly felt like he went and found someone who could give him a baby since I had failed so many times at it. It took almost a year for my divorce to go through. I had surrounded myself with my closest friends and family and just took one day at a time. I pretty much had to start from scratch. I kept the house, but 2007 was my worst year thus far.

Over the last 2 years I have dealt with so many emotions. At first, I was just hurt and embarrassed. I spent lots of time just sobbing to God. I was angry - B commits adultry and is now married to S and they have two kids - why is he getting the life I planned on?!? It has been a long road and to be honest it seemed like it kept getting harder and harder - my mind/heart went into defense mode right after everything happened and made me numb to certain feelings and as time progressed those compressed feelings came up and I had to deal with them. And to be 100% honest there are still days/moments where feelings arise and I have deal with them, but now I know how to deal with them. I now know that i'm much better off without him and I do not miss him at all. The worse thing that has come from my marriage is the trust issues I now struggle with. Before I trusted everyone, but now I constantly have to deal with that voice (satan) in the back of my head trying to steal my trust and joy!

I did attend a "Divorce Care" class and it really helped. I would encourage anyone going through this to go to one of these immediately. It is a place of people who are going through the same thing and no one judges. It also opened my eyes to so many different ways of seeing things, and how to completely forgive the man who had (at one time) ruined me. I also did some personal counseling and just spent alot of time just focusing on me.

I can now tell you that I have rediscovered me. I am now so much happier and full of life. I have a wonderful boyfriend who makes me so happy. I still long to have a baby - that is my hurt right now, but I am trusting God once again to give the desires of my heart in His timing. =0)

9 comments:

Stephanie, what a powerful story! I pray you continue to heal and find peace. Thank you for sharing and I pray God fulfills all of your dreams and wishes for marriage and motherhood! I know you said it didn't seem like a ministry - only a part of your story - but your strength and resilence, your hope and faith in God through adversity - those things are nothing to be downplayed! You are an incredible sister in Christ. Thanks for sharing!

So glad I found your blog!! I am 27 and going through a divorce...after 2 years of fertility treatments with my husband only to find out he had been having an affair since the summer. I have been trying to find a blog with someone going through a similar situation...mine is private but if you would like to read just email me at jessicahobbs23@yahoo.com.