Monday, September 08, 2008

Builders

Top of the morning to you. It's not raining. I am deeply suspicious. Is this not the film Seven? Where are the clouds? The relentless pounding of the water on my roof? What's all this blue business??Anyway. Enough about that. I have builders in. I might have just as easily typed I have cockroaches in. Not because I find my builders to be disgusting insects, but because -confound them- they are scuttley and turn up in weird places and then disappear again for hours. They tell lies though, and I'm pretty sure cockroaches don't. Lies like, 'Sure, I'll be there first thing in the mornin' and I'll have that plastered and skimmed for ya before noon.'This I have discovered means, 'I'll turn up around eleven, tell you I've to go get something or other, leave the actual hardworking exhausted looking Polish lad here and bugger off with the other lads for a couple of mysterious hours.'Here, allow me, lest any of you might be fool hardy enough to require these men in your near or not so near future.'That won't be any trouble' = 'that will be next to impossible and we will spend many many paid hours struggling with it before giving up and demanding tea.''No problem'= Velly many problems.Crack of Dawn= some time before noon.Back Shortly = see you tomorrow.Quality= cheap stuff bought in bulk load, eager to off load.Sturdy/Solid= Puddy's arse could knock it over.No mark up = three times its original price.Matter of days= any number of weeksElectrics= power outageCups of tea= life force or builder's 'chi'Measurements= the ability to decide complex distances using eyes.Plans= see above.Rain= no work to dayFew bob= vast sums of money.Cash= crack cocaine.

Well, you see what I mean. It has been quite the experience...it still is. Naturally in the midst of all this I find I have to work. And ghastly as that is, it's actually quite a relief to take refuge in my work space and hide out from the relentless hammering and banging. ALso I have had the dreaded lurgy and have been quite sick. Naturally. I'll skip around the blogs this morning and try catch up. From the sound of it, the Polish lad has just finished his fourth can of Redbull and has taken up the slack again.

Hey ho Shebah, it's been a hectic few weeks really, I'm most gad to have time to blog again and thanks. Manuel, my lot don't have music, so I suppose I ought to be glad I've been spared that indignity. I'm not sure hours and hours of radio would do my nerves any good. They were using an angle grinder this morning and I swear to marmalade I could feel it through my teeth.

Move out for the duration. Failing that, a spiritual approach helps which has nothing to do with a spirit level - that Buddhist notion of being a doormat.Give them tea on demand, and nice biccies. Let them see you’re trying for their good graces, it won’t make the job cheaper or better, but they won’t deliberately make a balls of it.

I have provided tea in vast quantities as I now firmly believe without it builders break down and become confused and possibly frightened.Eva, cheers, hope you're feeling dandy.It's really sunny today, our summer has been so terribly shit I feel I ought to go outside and lie on a patch of grass while there is sunshine. I won't of course. There is a cement mixer on the lawn. I am Melvin's idle leathery sack.

And on the builders. I like Sniffles approach as an initial gambit but don't let it become appeasement. After a while, if your tea and Hob Nobs are still not fueling any uptick in work, start giving a whole choccie-biccie assortment on a large plate to the Polish lad and a plate of soft Bourbons to the rest. Maybe bung the Polishman a whole teapot to himself and a doily or a thoughtful sprig of mint.

God forbid that the "blogging" fraternity should have aquaintance with that uncouth underclass "the builder", I mean the very notion that one of you might actually KNOW a plasterer, a brickie, or god forbid...a carpenter.

I don't pay my tradesmen, I just have them whipped regularly as insentive, being the wealthy and cultured blogger that I am.

Actually I'm sad, FMC, did you not see John's posts at McAWilliams and fourninepounds on how much he loved the builders who did his sunroom? He missed them and felt befert and insecure when they left! He even got his work to hire them after.

I didn't see that, but I'm sure they were delightful. Oh Sam, don't be so high brow. Everyone KNOWS anonymous drive by comments are SO on the button and being brought forth from a place literally dripping with concern and humanity.

Welcome back! I was vageuly concerned to see that I had gone away and come back and you were still away.

When it comes to budgets and buiding I think a general rule of thumb should be to take your budget and add at least half again. Under no circumstances should you start building until you have that extra amount of cash sitting securely in your bank account.

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About Me

I'm a bouncy, opinionated, messy haired marathon running (!) bibliophile. I wear high heels and have delightful ankles. I'm a devoted drinker. I want a French Bulldog puppy whom I shall call Batman and dress in capes on occasion.
I would also like a pug, whom I shall name Mister Woo. He can remain capeless, but I will make sure he wears a diamante collar at all times.
Both dogs will submit to repeated snorgling and high pitched squeals that only a dolphin would normally tolerate.
I hate Reiki/psychics/mystics/frauds with all my liver. Also, I'm firmly against Jazz and poetry/poems/pomes/ peoms or any of that stuff. I believe in the healing power of ginger.