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I’ll Tell Ya What We’re Not Gonna Talk About: 50 Shades Of Grey [Or How Long It’s Been Since My Last Blog]

{This is a catch up post. And then, if there is even anyone still lingering around in the desert wasteland that has become this blog, you should probably brace yourself. I’m turning 30 on June 25 and I will be smattering this blog with a series of reflective posts laced with melancholic undertones to properly deal with those emotions. I shall be posting them in the upcoming weeks.}

So.

It’s been so long since I’ve blogged that I literally locked myself out of my own blog for forgetting the password. And then when I finally got in, I had 300 spam comments to delete and I then I thought, eh, this is a hassle. And I waited another week before I wrote something. #keepingitreal

It’s been so long since I’ve blogged that I’ve started getting Tweets like this:

It’s been so long since I’ve blogged that I’ve lost my sanity, regained it, and lost it again. And had bronchitis. Oh wait, I still do.

It’s been so long since I’ve blogged that four…. FOUR of my closest friends have announced that they are prego.

It’s been so long since I’ve blogged that your mom hears it’s chilly outside and she goes and gets a bowl.

Wait, what?

So I’ve been up to quite a few things in my absence. Not that it excuses it. Of course, in a perfect world it would. And I can tell you for a fact that we are not living in a perfect world because if we were, I would not be living out of my car, I would owe the dentist $1000 and you wouldn’t be mad at me. Which you are, so, point proven.

In April, I spent almost every night working on a promotional video for a charity and I had no time for anything.

Except for, the return of Titanic in 3d. Heal yes. I’d like to say that I’m over my childhood crush of Leo, but that would be such a bold faced lie that my pants would catch on fire. I would say another moment of note in April was giving a collective “booya” to iPhone users everywhere for telling me that I would never be able to have the coolest app ever, Instagram. That being said, here are some of my very first Instagram photos, brought to you by my Droid:

OH, and now we can be Instagram buddies and stalk each other via pictures! @bluntdelivery

In May, my best friend Kenny and his wifey and ridiculously cute child visited from California. And I photographed my first wedding. And actually, Kenny officiated the wedding that I was photographing. It was a favor for a friend and yes, I tried to get out of it fifteen different ways. Turns out, nobody buys my lame excuses anymore except you guys.

And here, in case you need to see the evidence of the wedding photos. And I’m pretty sure I still have situational IBS as a result of that pre-wedding anxiety.

Yea, pretty sure I do.

And since food takes up about 80% of the pictures in my gallery, I feel like you’d be missing out on a lot if I didn’t post a few. I also went to the dentist for the first time in 6 years. Obviously, the toothache got to the point where I couldn’t handle it and then a filling fell out while I was chewing Spearmint. Welp, apparently I have 10 cavities to be filled/refilled. And so this just goes to prove that you shouldn’t avoid the dentist until something goes wrong. You should continue avoiding him forever.

Oh, then it was mother’s day and my mom’s birthday. Translation: I spent a lot of time at Pier 1 on a random Sunday. Other things going on have included: watching the Bachelorette and being simultaneously pissed off at Ryan and bewildered at Emily’s barbie-like face yet sweet personality, coughing incessantly and losing a lot of sleep, being cranky as a result of no sleep and incessant coughing, doing photo shoots every weekend, working full time, still plotting a blog redesign, silencing internal battles about the dangers of UV radiation, watching every episode of New Girl, wondering why everyone on the planet is recommending a poorly written, self published softcore porn novel (50 Shades of Grey) like it’s the most brilliant thing ever to grace the hands of readers everywhere. Is it just cus they opted out of the Fabio picture on the cover?

And freaking out about turning 30. Stay tuned for my thoughts on that.

I have returned to blogging over at Celery and the City where I write about clean eating, healthy living and post allergy and gluten free recipes!

Oh bear, I’m sorry for forgetting that your attention span doesn’t go beyond a thought bubble on a cartoon. But I felt the need to explain myself. and I actually DID consider a video but given the bronchitis, opted out.

This is like that time when I quit drinking soda and then “accidentally” chugged a huge gulp out of a friend’s while they were in the bathroom and I felt super weird but then figured out stuff was going to be alright after all. Good to read your words again.

It’s so good to see you back. I’ve kind of checked out myself the last couple of weeks and am wondering if I’d like to stay on a prolonged hiatus from blogging. So many reasons, too boring to discuss. But, I’m still commenting. It seems once sucked into the void, you never get out.

Seriously. If only I’d thought to publish the smut I used to email to my college hookup… I’d be a bajillionaire.

So because of this post, I realized that instagram has followers and a social network and all of that. I just thought I was taking aged-looking photos on my phone. I think I was probably drunk when I set up the account, which should explain why I didn’t know this.

I’m right behind you on the 30th birthday. October 12th. I will probably be alone, on my couch, drinking copious amounts of vino and eating cheese. Or Cheetos. Depending on how well I’m taking it.

B.D! You’re be back!
An ‘interwebs’ without you is like a vat-o-water on a Hollywood sound stage without a DiCaprio bobbing around in it!
(I meant for that to be both flattering and amusing but for some reason neither seems to have happened)
Also I would LOVE to follow you on Instagram but sadly the smartest thing my phone does is ring. Sometimes.

i’ve missed you. missed you so much i’ve invaded your country to come see you.

yay, instagram! (to bad I don’t have my phone with me while i stalk you in person…)

i see the dentist every 6 month and your tale only reaffirms that obsession that was laid in place by my mum. (she has a lot of fillings..)

also, your gluten free health diet looks a lot like mine. ;P

i have avoided 50 shades of grey. though it is a daily discussion topic at work. i am saved by already being in the middle of about 3 books that are not 50 shades of grey. i am generally behind the times and out of the loop anyway.

so, turns out, if you go far far away when you turn 30, nobody really notices. my friends threw a birthday party a month later, and the fact that i turned 30 was a nonissue. and nobody at disney asked me how old i was. they just said “happy birthday, maggie!” or “happy birthday, princess!” and left it at that.

i’ve been in a blogless void myself. last blog post helped free my mind a bit, but didn’t do anything about the frickin’ shit storm at work that has sucked my will to stay awake once I get home. Life has become a lot of work and sleep. With an occasional bottle of homemade wine. And maybe some tequila.

this is the first blog post i’ve read in forever! ;D seemed appropriate. given my vacation location.

Glad to see you back, and alive… And, oh yes, I’m sooo happy to see that you have finally updated… Was a total weird surprise to see my tweet, though I love that you used it as an example of just how apparently desperate we all are to escape just long enough to read your witty works… Thanks for the update…. Fabulous as always! -Megan

I know this isn’t going to do much, but don’t sweat 30. Seriously. It’s no biggie. But I know everyone does, so sweat away, just get over it quickly because older people such as I become thoroughly annoyed if you don’t. YOU ARE STILL YOUNG. For real.

I’ve heard 50 Shades is the best and worst book ever. Since I’m a cynic, I’m inclined to believe the latter.

Well well well . . . look who finally decided to return to all of her fans. It had been so eternally long, I stopped checking! And just in case you were wondering . . . we don’t buy those lame excuses either! You are just lucky we love you enough to forgive your abandonment of us.

Love the instagram pictures. And happy almost birthday. My son’s birthday was yesterday. He did not turn 30, however.

Woohoo! Great to have you back! And what are you doing chewing Spearmint gum? Don’t you know that the new hotness is Extra’s Key Lime Pie gum? I’m never without out least three packs of this stuff waiting for me at my cubicle. Honestly, it’s the best gum going, and you’re doing yourself a great disservice by not having a pack on you at all times