Q: I'm a 23-year-old woman who let myself be emotionally, verbally and physically abused by a college boyfriend for almost two and a half years. For the past three years I've been working on picking up the pieces. I'm upset with myself for letting the abuse occur, and I feel like my old kind and soft spirit is gone. I recently met a guy who is caring and compassionate, but I find reasons to sabotage the relationship. How can I get past my anger and learn to trust again? I've already tried counseling.

-Valerie O.

A: Hi Valerie,

I’m very sorry to read about your past abusive relationship. However, I’m very pleased that you’ve removed yourself from a destructive and dangerous relationship. I was particularly happy that you’ve taken personal responsibility by writing that you let it occur. That tells me you understand this can’t happen unless YOU allow it to happen. I know it’s more complicated than that simple description, but when you boil it all down, it’s key to preventing it from happening again.

Regarding your new boyfriend, I suggest you have an open and honest discussion with him and tell him exactly how you feel. This will demonstrate your honesty, let him in on your struggle and also help to bring your “old kind and soft spirit” out of hibernation. You should also continue counseling, Valerie, because it often takes time to totally understand and address this issue. Since most women tend to return to abusive relationships, it’s important that you get to the bottom of this so that you don’t choose the same type of man again. Once you understand and address the underlying psychology behind letting yourself be abused, your anger will ease and you’ll rediscover your kind and soft spirit.