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As entertainment critic Roger
Ebert once said, "If you disagree with something I write, tell me so, argue
with me, correct me--but don't tell me to shut up. That's not the American way."

Following along with a full season of professional torturing themselves in the name of what's presumably some kind of salary. And they get to use non-PG13 terms to describe their agonies, so approach at your own risk.

"I’m pretty sure there are five mentions of rabbits and farts in “A Whiter Shade of Pale” and you never realize it until you’re drunk at two in the morning and all your friends have gone home and you’re staring at a purple karaoke screen while a dwarf stands next to you, whaling away on a tambourine."

"Countless numbers of gangly dudes have proven that just sort of writhing around onstage while mumbling to yourself can be the recipe for short-term commercial success (R.I.P., SHANNON HOON), but at least most of those guys don’t act like they’re standing up for every real mental illness in the world by performing an ear-splitting version of “Rocket Man” on a televised singing competition."

"Since the start of this season, my new life philosophy has been, "When in doubt, just do whatever Nicki Minaj tells you." Yes, this has resulted in me leaving the house wearing a yellow top hat festooned with rainbow propellers on more than one occasion and another incident where I nearly slapped a barista who insisted I try the sugar-free vanilla syrup"

" I love the idea of the SuperVote, just because it finally manifests the formerly theoretical Randy Jackson mathematical system in practical form, and I can't wait to hear Seacrest tell us tonight that 478 billionty-millionty votes were cast, shattering all previous records by a factor of "Damn, dawg.""

"Remember, just two seasons ago, Steven Tyler couldn't even sustain a judges-table erection after the third week of auditions without an external pumping apparatus, which Randy really resented having to operate. But he eventually rebounded, and so will Nicki. She will open the #####-vault, dive into a shimmering pile of ####s, and emerge with a greedy armload of ##### when it matters. Believe it."

"I’m also worried that “dead eyes” means “not huge Angie Miller puppy eyes” but that’s a double-edged sword because if you’ve got big sparkly pageant eyes, it’s easier to look into them and see just how far back the emptiness goes"

"I’ve been receiving some criticism in recent weeks for fast-forwarding through large portions of the show and not living up to my billing as an “American Idol expert.” Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in my defense, I present to you this week’s episode, which was so awful that I considered enrolling in an adult education class at Pasadena City College that only met on Wednesday nights between 8 and 10 p.m. Like maybe pottery. Or Forensic Criminology. Anything but watching Janelle Arthur lie about writing an arrangement of a Supremes song when she was 14 and then bleating out the exact same slowed-down, “blues-ified” garbage that some Idol producer has been writing ever since that hipster gave Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up” the same treatment."

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