February 20, 2017

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There is a lot not to like about Donald Trump’s young presidency: the Muslim Ban, the attacks on the press, the ties to Russia, etc. And while it might feel insignificant in comparison, it’s also important to note that Donald Trump shakes hands like a complete fucking asshole.

You’ve probably shaken hands with an asshole before. Assholes take what should be a sincere moment of human contact and make it about power and status. They honestly believe that squeezing the everliving shit out of someone’s hand establishes them as an “Alpha” and not as as some shit-for-brains who can’t even say “hello” right.

You’d think that the billionaire leader-of-the-free-world wouldn’t feel the need to pull that kind of bullshit, but Trump still clamps, slaps, and yanks people’s arms like he’s trying to gain control of a very large eel. Trump shakes everybody’s hand like he’s meeting his girlfriend’s college ex for the first time. Trump looks like he learned how to greet people in a business “Power-nar” run by a sweaty coke-head in a headset mic who spends the last three hours of every session trying to push timeshares.

Need proof? Just check out the tug-job Trump gives Neil Gorsuch after he introduces him as his Supreme Court nominee.

Good Christ, Donald. You invite this man to the White House for the biggest moment of his life and then you’re gonna try and throw him on to the goddamn ground? Right in front of his wife? What a fucking psycho.

Or what about how Trump puts the works on Shinzo Abe, the Prime Minister of Japan?

What in the holy hell are you doing, Donald? Japan is our ally! Please stop trying to “big-dog” the few people who don’t hate our guts yet.

Did you see that?! Trudeau comes in HOT and locks that motherfucker right up!

But what if you have to shake hands with Trump and you’re not a GRADE-A FUCK STUD like Justin Trudeau? Can you still come out of it without letting Trump clown your ass?

The answer is yes! If you follow these four simple steps…

Step 1: Form A Wide Base

Because Trump’s seems to think that a handshake only ends when someone is on their ass, good balance and a low center of gravity are key.

Spread your feet shoulder length apart and bend your knees. If Trump asks why you’re standing like that, just tell him that you’re “sore from sex stuff.” He’s a little fucking pervert, so he will probably think that is cool.

Step 2: Go Limp

I’m all about #RESISTTRUMP, but now is not the time. Just accept that Trump is going to use every bit of strength left in his old, fat body to try and snap hand off at the wrist. You can try to put up a fight, but you will lose because you have a functioning super-ego. You wish to continue to function in the society around you, but all that Trump’s little lizard brain is thinking about is breasts and hot fire.

Step 3: Compliment Trump’s Hands

OK, Trump has probably been jostling you around for a good two or three minutes by now. It’s time for this ordeal to end.

I’m guessing that Trump’s handshake routine is just another he compensates for his very, very small penis. Trump is always talking about how big his hands are because he wants us to think he has a big dick, so he probably shakes hands like a jackass because he wants us to think he has strong and powerful junk? Maybe? I dunno. It’s honestly too disgusting to think about.

Anyway, I bet if you say nice things about Trump’s hands he’d feel like he’d convinced you that he doesn’t have a micro-penis and would stop trying to turn your fingers into living sausages.

When the time is right, try any of these stock compliments! You can even say them super sarcastic if you want. Trump is literally too dumb to notice.

“Woah! Those definitely aren’t little baby doll hands.”

“What are those things? Boxing gloves made of pig meat?”

“Look at the mitts on this guy! I bet his dick isn’t contained entirely within his body cavity at all!”

Step 4: Sniff Your Hand And Then Pretend Like You Just Smelled Shit

This is the ace up your sleeve, my friend. When Trump finally lets go, you take your hand back, smell it, and make a face like you just smelled shit. Then turn to everyone else close by and say “Dang! Why does my hand smell like shit now?”

Look at that! Now YOU are the big dog! And Trump is the one with the teeny, tiny shit hands.