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Friday, December 5, 2008

Phase III: Letting Go

Its been a bad week, some good days and a few bad no doubt. But I'm progressing...thats what my mind is doing through this time in my life. I've been through this before, God has prepared me somewhat for this. After praying over and over, asking God to give me the answer on if its worth salvaging a relationship with someone who seems not to care much anymore. He gave the answer. God let him make the decision that I probably couldn't. I'm an optimist, usually the type to think things can be talked through and worked out. I had my moments, I just wanted to walk away myself but stayed because love was there...because we had gone through tougher moments and made it.

However after this, I realized I am the stronger one. I realized, I had it in my mind and knew what I wanted all along. I told him straight up, from us meeting what it was. Take it or walk, but don't waste my time. Well, he's walked after all this. And after seeing how cold and how quickly he can shut off his feelings....it just showed me he wasn't strong enough or ready for what level I was moving up to. No doubt, I still love him......I think he has the potential to be an even better man with time and experience in life. But I know now it will not be with me by his side.

I know I can't control anyone but my own feelings, I can't keep someone here who is not willing to stay. A relationship is about honesty, communication and respect. If only one person is putting in majority of the effort, it won't work. I'm letting us go.......the plans, the thoughts of our future together. I'm letting him go...

I pray to God, he blesses him with all the things to be a great father and man.

Its now about my children and myself. The definition of my name is "worthy of love". I agree......of self love. Its time to get focused on myself again, because in the midst of trying to keep this person in my life and worrying if he truly loves me.........I lost some love for myself. Its time to take back control of how I feel about myself.

I also realize........how blessed I really am. I have my children, even the lil' boy growing in my belly right now. If anything he is the blessing that came out of what we had. I have the strength in me to continue walking the path God has set for me. Its going to be hard...no doubt, bad days but there are more good...and at times I forget what I have been blessed with.