Saturday 4 January, 2003

Five of us (Karaj, Ishwar, Dev, Calvin and I) spent the whole day cleaning Arun’s car inside and out. It had been standing untouched for so long, there was mould on the inside. As the light was fading and Karaj put out the call to push ourselves and finish the work, I knew what was needed. Steady but swift work; a change to the headless chicken approach which was always the hallmark of my need to please people. It was a good way to start the year. As Ishwar remarked, we cleaned the car of a nice person.

For the rest of the evening, until after midnight, people worked on their respective tasks: Ishwar writing up his INSET day; Dev skimming a contract for his work; Calvin writing down his life skills; and Simran, when he arrived after his own day’s work, writing out the letter to his sister, which Karaj had previously dictated. At one stage I just wanted to be alone, which is when I asked Ishwar what support he needed for the INSET work in the coming week. By doing this I brought myself back into the group and took control.

Having counteracted my emotions, I was able to support everyone for the rest of the night. Simran was trying too hard…to be…what? He just seemed too excited and false. Dev just needed to make a quick estimate of the time needed for his work and then plan the hours accordingly. Simple. Simran’s letter to his sister was written in love and was all about standing firm and stating his position. Calvin struggled with his list of life skills. Karaj showed him how he can go into detail with any one of the skills he has and this will bring out others. He used the example of caring for his sons.

At the end of the night I asked if anyone had pushed/supported Ishwar with his INSET work. No, just me. This is where I am at the moment. Seeing more and more what people have on their agendas, and supporting and challenging them. As we tidied up I noticed my progress here too. The men are doing it themselves these days. The more I delegate the easier my work becomes. Moreover, the men will do what I ask of them, because we are a team.

Summary: more relaxed. Relax more. No matter what state I’m in, the best thing I can do is do something to move the process on so that when I am back on top I can hit the ground running.