Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Mass Confusion

I am an avid personal growth participant.
I love books that can lead me to a better way to live life. I love speakers that give me tips and tools on how to be a better me. In my forty years on this planet I've spent tons of money on seminars and workshops to help me become more purposeful. I've unloaded a wad of cash at the local bookstores buying up whatever 'self help' information they have available. And I am addicted to YouTube videos showcasing spiritual and personal growth gurus.

And today as I sit here, blogging this for you; I am one confused kitten.

Almost every book or teaching has it's own 'process' or 'rules' to becoming free from stress, free from guilt, free from this and that and everything else plus the kitchen sink.

I've taken so much of this information into my mind that I don't know which end is up sometimes.

Am I supposed to set boundaries and stand my ground, not letting anyone step all over me? Or am I supposed to keep my mouth shut because it's not my duty to 'change' everyone around me or point out where they are wrong in what they speak and act upon?

Am I supposed to pray or meditate, or both? What happens to me if I can't get to that silent place of relaxation during yoga? Will I really go to hell if I don't accept Jesus Christ as my Saviour?

The idea of being confused didn't really hit me until I began reading Anita Moorjani's 'Dying To Be Me' this weekend. In the beginning of her book she talks about her confusion related to religious and cultural expectations and doctrine and how that confusion and fear created ill health.

Later in the book she describes a near death experience and what she learned about herself and life from that experience.

Basically, in a nutshell she blew my beliefs to smithereens and got me thinking about all of the stuff I've digested over the years! That's all I'm going to say about the book because I think everyone needs to experience it for themselves when and if they choose.

It truly got me thinking about all of my own confusion and the tendency I have to take a book, or teaching and whack myself over the head with it when I seem to be 'off track' or I have difficulty following the rules of the teaching.

My desire (ahem, desperation) to become the BEST ME I CAN BE means that I sometimes take outside opinions of who I should be and judge myself because "oops I had a negative thought" or "shit I'm not being very friendly".

Sometimes it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle because sometimes life creeps up and slaps me on the back and says "let's see what you do with this".

Here's the newsflash - this does not bring me JOY!!!! This over the top, extreme pressure of being PERFECT does NOT bring ME joy!!!!

Who decided that this cycle of seeking, confusion, abuse; seeking, confusion, abuse is okay? Who decided that we needed to live more in struggle than in happiness?

It's craziness really. I think the only way to stop it is to STOP IT! Cut out the over analyzing, knock off the 'having to take this course and that course to make me a better me'. Stop looking for outside opinions telling you what and who you need to be.

There is no twelve step program to become more successful, more peaceful, more beautiful, more joyful, more tolerant, more patient, less judgemental, etc. There isn't a magic mantra, affirmation or chant. There isn't a yoga pose you can hold long enough that will give you super powers so you can snap your fingers and make all your stress and troubles go away. There isn't!

Why?

Because we already are all of that (successful, peaceful, beautiful, joyful, tolerant, patient, non judgemental) at our core. The reason why we can't see it is because we are too busy looking at the outside to notice the jewel living on the inside. We are too busy DOING when we need to be busy BEING.

There is one message that I have kept in my heart that seems to be the one that brings me the most happiness when my confusion and frustration with myself gets out of hand; and that is "You were born to be you and nobody else. Who you are is a gift to this world just the way you are! God knew you and loved you before your parents were even aware of you. You are made and guided by divine purpose. You are magnificent."

4 comments:

Thanks Rosemary! You have seen this struggle with me firsthand :) lol It is my perfectionist DNA that keeps me in the cycle and this latest revelation is helping me step outside of that so that I can see clearly.... xoxo

Hi there Jen..this is so were I'm at today! I just decided this am to go on a "learning" fast...no more speakers in my ears for 2 weeks minimum! I feel free! I'm constantly "trying" everything to "improve" myself...I'm done...I'm already perfect! Thanks so much for sharing...you're the bomb!

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