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Fear

Fear is your worst enemy. They are lies told by the devil to keep you from moving forward. To keep you paralyzed. They are even lies someone else tells you, or you tell yourself. It can feel like heavy chains weighing you down, and with every step you try and make they drag along with you. It haunts you in every move you make it.

I’ve lived with that fear before. You lose sleep. You don’t truly live. You walk, you eat, you even carry on conversations, but you don’t truly live an actual life because you are plagued by fear.

It was a time in my life when I should have been thriving. When I should have been living life to the fullest and soaking up every bit of youth I had. Instead, it was the most I had ever feared. There are very few times I can say that I feared for my life, but this was one of those times.

It had gotten so bad being with him. All I wanted to do was to leave, but I COULDN’T. I physically couldn’t even leave him. He would force me to stay the night with him in my own apartment. I was so afraid that I let him stay. Multiple times. I figured that all he wanted to do was to be with me. If he was with me then we were good. I was safe as long as I gave him what he wanted.

Other nights made it more difficult to make that decision. There were nights when he would pound on my door, drunk, screaming at me to let him in. I was amazed at how none of my neighbors ever called the cops for me. Some nights I wouldn’t let him in, but most nights I would. I was too afraid of what he would do to me if I didn’t let him in than if I did. Even the times that I would grow the balls enough to not let him in, he would still always find a way. After pounding on the door for what felt like an eternity, it all of a sudden grew completely silent. The silence almost killed me. I was terrified. If he was banging on my door I at least knew where he was, but this silence was excruciating. I feared for my life. All of a sudden my whole apartment shook. I heard a bang. My hands were trembling. Next thing I know I hear a faint knock at my balcony glass door. One of my blinds were missing, so when I looked over all I could see was his one eye staring right at me through the missing blind. This fool had climbed his way onto the second floor to get to my balcony. At that moment I had given up and went over and let him in. Another sleepless night.

Another night of fear consisted of him again banging on my door. I remember hiding because I didn’t want him to climb to my balcony again and see me, or look through a window and see me. The only thing I wanted to do was call the cops and make it all go away, but I was even afraid to do that. I figured if the cops came and took him away that he would somehow find out it was me who called and then it would be even worse for me when he got out. That’s about the lowest you can get. When you are so out of hope that even law enforcement can’t help you. No one can help you. You are alone in the fear and distress.

Sometimes I would actually be able to get away from him long enough to go out and actually try to live a normal life. Even then he would always find me. One night when I was out with a friend he text me and told me he knew where I was. And how disgusting of a woman I was and blah blah blah. I knew that he wasn’t there himself, but I knew he most likely had friends there that would always go back and report to him. We had multiple mutual friends, so anything I ever did was always reported back to him. I couldn’t make a step or even breathe without him finding out.

The day I finally did have the courage to make a report against him was a day that I had come back from out of town for a weekend. I came back home to an apartment that had been turned upside down. There was a mess in my kitchen, broken glass on my balcony, and broken items in my bedroom. I immediately thought I had been robbed, but there were no forced entries, nor had anything been missing. I began to think it was him who was in my apartment, but how could he if he didn’t have a key? When the officer arrived he confirmed my suspicion. He had broken in with a copy of my key that he had made. This was his mission: for me to know he had been there. He wanted me to feel like not even my home was safe. That no matter where I went he would always be there to torment me and to cast fear.

Soon after that I made multiple police reports, the police had spoken to him about our situation and told him to leave me alone. I then fled. I transferred to a new university, left my home and never looked back. No one except for my family knew where I was. His friends couldn’t even keep tabs on me. I was gone.

Later, even when we had ended things and I had nothing to do with him anymore he had reverted back to his old ways. The threats and the stalking poured back in. He attempted to put those lies back into my head. This time was different. This time I was fearless. His threats no longer had a hold on me. Nothing now can disturb my peace.

“I’m no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God”.

I’m no longer a slave. The chains have been broken. The weight has been lifted. The battle was won years before. He won the battle for all of us so that we could all be liberated. You no longer have to be plagued by fear. Whether great or small, the Lord protects you of all your fears. With Him we can be fearless.

Psalm 138:3 says, ” In the day when I cried out, You answered me, And made me bold with strength in my soul.”

The song I listen to when fear starts to creep up again is Bethel’s song “No Longer Slaves”. The words give me an immense amount of courage, “I’m no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God…Of deliverance from my enemies till all my fears are gone.” Repeat those words, I’M NO LONGER A SLAVE TO FEAR! I encourage you to listen to that song and repeat scripture over and over when you feel the fear. You can over come it.