Jun 19, 2008

555 is a 1980s shot-on-video horror flick that appeared before the age of digital video. One of the best things about the old days of horror films was that not just anyone could go out and make garbage. Garbage that has now flooded the independent horror world. Until recently, you at least needed a decent chunk of change to create even the lowest quality gore fest. 555 is in the same wretched boat with shot-on-video horror movies like Crazy Fat Ethel 2 and Redneck Zombies. Although these films are complete pieces of zombie shit, they at least offer the viewer something to be entertained by.

The most brutal scene in 555 is featured on the direct-to-video VHS release cover. It features a young man’s head in the hand of the killer that just decapitated him. The truth is, 555 is low on gore and high on horribly contrived dialogue. For some reason a group of cops are convinced that a Vietnam vet and former POW is a psycho killer that dresses up like a pussy hippy. They are more interested in getting the guy locked up (or more likely killed) than actually providing evidence that incriminates the ex soldier. The pathetic bickering between the cops, an ugly whorish news reporter, and some other clowns takes up most of 555.

The killer resembles something between a homosexual Charles Manson and Rasputin in drag. This lame and fragile looking killer is funnier than he is scary (actually he’s not scary at all). Every time this turd popped up on screen I couldn’t help but laugh and even feel relieved. The killer’s massacring of young couples adds relief from having to hear the genius cops act tough amongst one another. The killer also carries a dagger/knife that looks like a child’s toy. The blade on the dagger has a phallic shape that looks like it could been similar in shape to Lucifer’s special hot poker.

555 director Wally Koz recently died and apparently he also had a job as a miner/gold inspector. Unsurprisingly he had no film making experience prior to directing 555, which he made with the help of his friends and family. I got the feeling that 555 was more of a “labor of love” than a serious effort in horror film making. The film is something that can be put on when watching with drunk and/or stoned friends. If you don’t feel like watching the movie but want to see the handful of killings, forward toward the end of the film as all they killings are recapped. Maybe Wally Koz was trying to help horror fans out with the ending.

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SS is a postmortem Occidental Sinema site led by two admittedly vicious Nordish libertine cinephiles. We ruthlessly, yet charmingly rip at the bowels of the prissy populous PC-beast; offering the more discerning reader a piece of our eclectically refined minds and our uncompromisingly distinct weltanschauungs. At Soiled Sinema, we believe in cinematic diversity and equal-opportunity film criticism. Do yourself a favor by allowing us to gouge at your Hollywood-lobotomized gray matter, as we have a pleasant plethora of svelte and seminal writings on films we have come to wholeheartedly and fanatically cherish, as well as expertly diagnosing loathsome cinematic abortions worthy of total celluloid deterioration.