Was Anyone There A Marine Biologist?

Locals and wildlife nerds are baffled today as they try to determine the cause of death for a gray whale that recently washed ashore in Camano Island, Washington. But because it’s a blogger’s duty to make any and every reference possible to The Simpsons, Arrested Development, The Wire and especially Seinfeld, this story is worth mentioning because of what was found inside the whale…

A gray whale found dead in Washington state’s Puget Sound had been feeding on shrimp and also had some debris, including a golf ball, in its stomach, but scientists don’t know what killed the animal. (Via the Atlanta Journal Constitution)

Doctors once found a golf ball in Paris Hilton’s stomach, but she was also holding a garden hose, so it made sense. This whale, though, is simply a mystery.

The garbage was minimal and not the cause of death, which remains under investigation with tissue tests, spokesman Brian Gorman said. It’s common for whales to pick up debris near urban areas because they are filter feeders. There were no signs of trauma or entanglement on the whale, he said.

Well you can rule out “dating Chris Brown” as a cause of death. *high fives self, whispers “Slow news day” to dog*

The whale’s corpse will be cleaned and most likely shipped to a university so that it can be handled examined by hundreds of college students… *pause* just like your mother. Take us away, unnecessary Alison Brie GIF!