WASHINGTON, DISNEYLAND --- A senior State Departmentdiplomat held a press conference to apologise unreservedly for his recent comments during an interview on the Arabic Al-Jazeera news network.

He states categorically that his claims that history will judge the US to be "arrogant" and "stupid" were taken out of context, misinterpreted, mistranslated, misrepresented, off the record, and blatant lies. Furthermore, the interviewer asked vague and confusing questions.

"When I said that the US has demonstrated arrogance and stupidity, what I meant was nobility and wisdom," said the official, gingerly rubbing a bruise on his jaw he sustained earlier when he "fell down".

"I am wholly behind the war effort," he insisted as a solitary tear trickled from the corner of his eye. "The peace-loving people of the United States of America will never yield to terrorism." The genuine emotion in his voice was quite clear as he stared woodenly at the far wall.

When asked if he had been put under any pressure to make this retraction, he winced, then read the following prepared statement:

"This press conference is entirely my idea, I have not been tortured by having my testicles crushed by bulky men in ill-fitting black suits, and my family has not been threatened by them. I am a true patriot and I am proud to serve my country any way they tell me to."

Thus reassured, the assembled press closed with a question as to his opinion of the current handling of the situation by the President.