Au Pair in the Home: Should I Trust My Husband?

I’m not sure I want a young, attractive woman as a fixture in our home. Am I being paranoid?

Dear Emuna,

My husband and I both work and we have two young children. We have decided that, for a number of reasons – money, attention, convenience etc. – that it’s preferable to hire someone to watch them in our home than to send them out to day care. A lot of our friends recommend au pairs, but I’m concerned. I’m not sure I want a young, attractive woman as a fixture in our home. My friends suggest I’m just being paranoid and that I should trust my husband. What do you think?

Not so Trusting

Dear Not So Trusting,

I’m with you. Have your friends read the newspapers lately? In Ethics of our Fathers we are taught not to be sure of ourselves until the day of our death. It’s not really a matter of trust. It’s a matter of being realistic.

We try very hard not to put ourselves in situations of temptation. There are enough that we encounter on our own without going looking for them! If you were on a diet and I waved a freshly baked cookie back in forth under your nose, would you eventually eat it? Not necessarily, but there’s a good chance.

Obviously here the stakes are higher – and so is the desire. Is it your female friends or male friends who suggest you are just being paranoid? I would guess it’s the former. Men understand their drives better and I think they would acknowledge the risk. Why take the chance at all?

Judaism erects a lot of fences to try to prevent inappropriate contact/connection between men and women who aren’t married. It’s not because we’re paranoid; it’s because we’re realistic. And because we want our marriages to be as wonderful as possible.

Some people may suggest that the rules are anachronistic in an age where the sexes mingle so frequently – in work environments and socially. I would suggest that, again based on all recent revelations and allegations, that they are more necessary than ever before! I just want to clarify. I’m not saying that your husband will, God forbid, stray if you hire an attractive nanny. I’m just saying it’s not worth even the slightest chance. Your marriage is just too precious.

Dumping It On Stay-At-Home Mom

Dear Emuna,

I’m a stay-at-home mom and I find that there are a lot of expectations placed on me – both from my husband and from other moms in the neighborhood. It’s assumed that my house should be spotless, that dinner should always be hot and ready June Cleaver style and that I should be available for extra carpools, to be room mother, to organize and bake for the bake sale etc. etc. I’m feeling resentful, not just because I don’t think it’s fair that other mothers should displace their responsibilities (guilt?) unto me but also because my husband doesn’t seem to appreciate that I’m not just lying around all day. What should I do?

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

I definitely hear you. Let’s separate the two issues. As far as the expectations of the other mothers, what they expect is irrelevant. You don’t need to justify how you spend your time to them and you certainly don’t need to pick up their slack. If there’s something you want to do or are able to do (although it doesn’t sound like that), obviously you can and you don’t need to refuse just to make a point. But if you are unable, you can politely but firmly say no.

“I’d love to help you with carpool but that’s really special time for my children and me. It’s when they unwind and tell me about their day.” “The bake sale is certainly very worthwhile but I try not to bake while my kids are up so I can give them my full attention and then at night I’m too tired.” Or, even better perhaps, no need to explain at all. You can just use my line to all the phone solicitations: “I’m sorry but I can’t help you right now.”

With our neighbors, we need to learn not to worry about their opinions. With our husbands, we need to learn to communicate.

With respect to your husband I think a fuller conversation is required. You really need to explain to him what your day is like. Or better yet, go out for a day and leave him along with the gang and the responsibilities! It’s not that he’s deliberately obtuse or unfairly demanding, he just doesn’t know. Tell him about the games you play, the mess you clean up, the trip to the grocery store where everything got pulled off the shelves and then your toddler had a tantrum because you wouldn’t buy candy. Explain how long it took to get everyone in their winter clothes for that short walk around the block and how long to undress them again when you returned home, how the kids enjoyed the bath but it took half an hour to mop off the water after their “fight” in the tub. And on and on.

And perhaps work on your own empathy as well. Just as our husbands may not appreciate our days, we may be guilty of not appreciating theirs. From our overwhelmed perspective, it seems that they are freeing themselves of responsibility as they cavalierly walk out the door in the morning in the middle of the mess and the screaming and that they are at business lunches and golf tournaments all day! Of course I exaggerate but it would also be help to learn about the stresses and challenges of their days and lead to better communication and understanding for all.

With our neighbors, we need to learn not to worry about their opinions. With our husbands, we need to learn to communicate. Hope this helps.

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Not so trusting I'd like to suggest an analogy that may make your decision more easy. If some one bought you a $250000 watch that was water resistant up to 100 feet, would you wash your hands with it on? While your husband may be "nanny resistant" and maybe nothing will happen. I think the question you must ask yourself is, "how much is my marriage worth to me".

(9)
Lm,
February 16, 2018 11:44 AM

Appreciation

From mother to mother I would advise the second poster not to fall into the appreciation trap. Being a mother is a very special job but needs no further explanation. Just be open as a wife and mother about your needs. Instead of “appreciation” how about “I would appreciate some thank you s after serving this meal. Or I really need to rest right now can you watch the kids for an hour?Always be specific! And don’t forget to set an example, Every week at our Shabbat meal my children and I thank my husband for taking care of us. He and my children in return thank me for preparing such a wonderful meal.

David Ben Horin,
February 19, 2018 8:18 AM

I learned a neat hack for this!

I never gave my wife enough appreciation or support for dedicating her life to our kids.

We went on a cruise 7 years ago. We found out, on the cruise, that there was no child supervision. We were with the kids nonstop for the duration of the cruise.

It was my first real experience in my wife's shoes.

Instead of gaining 10 pounds on the cruise, like everyone else does, I lost 5 pounds! The work was harder than anything else I do. It was also amazing to be so close to my kids so much.

Ever since then, I have a real respect for what my wife does, and I know what it means to call her my better half.

If you are planning a vacation, or cruise, or something like that -- make sure the kids are with you and your husband -- all day. Make sure he knows how hard you work.

Take it from me, he will understand you a lot better if he has to go through it himself, even if just for a day or two.

(8)
Anonymous,
February 15, 2018 6:08 PM

stay at home

I applaud your ability to stay home with your children.Although I was not a stay at home mom I admire those who are.You are right, those of who aren't don't appreciate how much stay at home mothers do, and how exhausting it can be.

(7)
Joshua,
February 15, 2018 5:14 PM

au pair - dangerous

Just like to chime in. halacha against man and unrelated woman alone together is there, not just because of the nature of Men and desire - just look around you! All it takes is an accusation! Your marriage, social life and finances could all be destroyed.A Jewish man following the laws will never be in a situation in which he can be accused of inappropriate behavior. G-d gave us these timeless laws for reasons we can't even see yet (if ever). Find yourself a nice, Orthodox day care. It's no guarantee that your child will be safe, but I believe it's as close to a guarantee as one can get in this world. And certainly you'll avoid problems with your marriage, social life, and $$.

Shelly,
February 15, 2018 6:31 PM

I agree 100%

Joshua, you nailed it! The most important issue with a nanny in the home is the possibility of false accusations. Lives, careers, and reputations have been ruined due to false accusations. Although many have been cleared of false charges, the original accusations are never forgotten. Many years ago, before I had my own children, my husband and I would babysit for a family. The mom and dad would leave town for a week or two at a time and we would move in. On occasion, my husband and I would have an event to attend so we, with the permission of the parents, would hire a babysitter for the three children we were caring for. When it came time to drive that babysitter home, I always did the driving. Even then, about 30 years ago, I knew enough to not allow my husband to be alone in a car at night with a teenage girl. My husband is the most trustworthy person I know. And perhaps that teenage babysitter was just as trustworthy. But I was not willing to take a chance. Be safe and smart. This is not about trusting your husband. It’s about trusting others! Good luck.

Deborah,
February 21, 2018 7:29 PM

Not Necessarily, But With G-d's Help

Unfortunately, the wickedness of sexual abuse has ravaged some parts of the Orthodox Jewish community, and of course there is infidelity and even fornication. But with G'd's help, I believe that Jewish laws around contact between men and women are the best ways to reduce the problem of illicit seuxal relationships, and frank condemnations (instead of covering up) of sexual abuse will empower those cruelly wronged by criminals.

(6)
John,
February 15, 2018 4:14 PM

Should I trust my husband?

Wrong question. Do you trust your husband when he's in his office with the single women that work there? If you don't trust your husband, why are you married to him? Try a different perspective, Do you trust your employee to stay in the bounds of her employment & not take things which don't belong to her?

Has he ever indicated he doesn't trust you to maintain the fidelity in your marriage?

If you seriously feel you have to ask "Should you trust your husband" - you've already got problems.

Canuck,
February 15, 2018 7:53 PM

Totally in agreement with John!

And here's another question. Should the husband of "Not so trusting" trust HER if she's eve alone at home with a young repairman who's there to fix something in the house? And nobody better tell me that women can be trusted more because "they're more spiritual & less lusty than men." My own experience with women has shown this presumption to be absolute rubbish. People should not marry unless they're in love, & real love means TRUST.

Gittel Tova,
February 15, 2018 11:31 PM

Spot On, John

Yours was the most sensible comment to this touchy subject. I agree with you completely, if she's asking the question, she's already got problems. So much sexual attraction goes on in the office situation, far worse and much more common than the au pair situation, but hardly anyone gives it a second thought.

Nancy,
February 16, 2018 12:34 PM

To commenter #6 John

I really like your perspective on this issue.

elliot,
February 18, 2018 7:54 AM

trust

This is definitely not about trust John. First it is about respecting Jewish law.(period) Then it is about knowing that anybody can at some pt. succumb to his inclinations. The wise individual will be willing to sacrifice in order to not put himself in a position where he might be tempted. Its interesting to note - the more righteous and valiant the individual, the more he will choose to avoid those situations

Anonymous,
February 18, 2018 8:23 PM

I disagree, John

In this day and age, it is not only a matter of trusting your spouse, it is putting yourself in the possibility of a "he said" "she said" situation where you are falsely accused but can't prove you didn't do anything wrong.

(5)
Anonymous,
February 15, 2018 4:11 PM

Okay to feel paranoid

I one hundred percent agree with Emunah. I work as a nanny for a gentile family (but I don’t think there’s a difference if it’s a Jewish family or not) and soon after I started, I felt like the dad was in a subtle way acting inappropriately around me. I immediately brought it up even though I’m far from a confrontational person, and said it more as, I was brought up in an extremely religious household and absolutely don’t feel comfortable with men touching me on my back or sitting that close to me. I went on to say that yes I’m sure it’s normal for him because that is how he socializes with his wife’s friends and his friends’ wives (even though it probably isn’t). Things were uncomfortable for a few days but he now keeps better boundaries around me, and since he told his wife first (nervous I would tell her) and she spoke very openly about it with me, things are okay. She is amazing and totally understood where I was coming from. She left work and came home right away to make sure I was okay. She didn’t want me to quit, and knew she could trust me. I have now worked for them for a full year. However I definitely recommend preschool for your kids over a nanny, even if some nannies can give your child better care and one-on-one attention.

(4)
Anonymous,
February 15, 2018 3:59 PM

There is a Halachic Area called Yichud

I am not quite sure what the issue is with the "au pair". If the Husband is aware and knowledgeable and observant of the rules relating to YICHUD, it seems that there will be very little likelihood of "straying". It is NOT like waving a freshly baked cookie under your nose. It is more like taking a freshly baked cookie and putting it away where you are unlikely to get to it. Many years ago, we brought in an "au pair". This was a young [Mormon] Teen girl to do the "Child care" work for us. We met [via phone] and had a couple of good discussions with the girl's parents, and worked out all issues that we could think of (including ensuring Kashrut in the house, allowing for this girl to do her Mormon Proselytizing [not near our house], etc.). If you approach this from the perspective of NOT listening to neighbors (regardless of what they are saying about "trust") but instead work out the Halachic Guidelines for the husband and wife, then problems are pretty unlikely to occur. [Note: if the concern is that the Husband will not OBEY the rules pertaining to Yichud, then it seems that there is a much more serious issue here -- at least if we are dealing with an Orthodox Couple.]

(3)
MAF,
February 15, 2018 3:53 PM

male au-pairs

I thought there were also some male au-pairs?

Anonymous,
February 16, 2018 7:25 AM

OMG. I would never leave my children alone with a male babysitter.

Read the news. The world is full of pedophiles. Don't even think about it.

(2)
Yael,
February 15, 2018 4:42 AM

I agree with Emuna.

It's not about trust. It's about realizing that your marriage is way to precious to take a chance with. We bless the bride and groom under the chupa to build a home "k'gan eden m'kedem", like the Garden of Eden of yore. Husband and wife are like Adam and Eve, the only male and female on earth. We try as much as we can to create a Garden of Eden in our home; the only one each of us loves, thinks about, misses, etc., is our spouse.

(1)
Nancy,
February 13, 2018 4:14 PM

I especially like the advice given in the second letter

Re: Requests from the neighbors and/or PTA. The word no is a complete sentence. The mother in the letter does NOT need to offer any further explanation as to why she can't take on a certain responsibility. Re: Husbands and communication. I am guilty of assuming that my husband understands exactly what I need. We all know what happens when one assumes! Re: Hiring the nanny. I would not want someone else living under my roof because I am possessive about my privacy. However, no two families are alike. One family might be THRILLED to have a competent nanny caring for their children. Other families like mine and the woman in the letter would not be happy about such a situation.