February 1, 2000

Time: Tue, 01 Feb 2000 00:14:44 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) mod_perl/1.21
Number of nodes: 390869 (38 new since January 31, 2000)
Number of users: 11450 (6 new since January 31, 2000)
Number of links: 298250 (5371 new since January 31, 2000)

I could have absolutely sworn you didn't want much to do with me anymore. I couldn't imagine your wanting to live with me because I always seemed to get in the way. It was the last thing I ever wanted, for you to be tired and put out with me. And this seemed so possible because it looked like you wanted to be with anyone but me.

Do you realize I broke one of the Two Golden Rules of Being a Woman? I moved up here to be closer to you. (that is more than half the reason, I just acted like I had other priorities, and eventually I found them.) I swallowed all of my pride, bit my lip and ran up here at the first chance I had. By the skin of my teeth. I wanted to be near you because I was so bent on being a part of your life.
I just couldn't fathom letting go after all the intensity that's passed between us.

And you know everyone thinks I'm fuckin' crazy. Maybe I am. Sometimes I would imagine what it would be like if I just let go. Would you find someone else who could handle your intricacies, your violent mood swings? Would you find someone who loved you as much as I did and who was as patient? And me? I guess I would find someone else to sink my sorrows in. Someone else to wrap myself in, yet I would be there checking on you, being insanely jealous of whomever the chick of the week would be. I would have to whore myself out twice a day for a decade to lose an inkling of the desperateness you make me feel. And I would never be content, much less happy.

And you make me burn. You turn me so inside-out, I get shy, tongue-tied, and I almost forget that I am the girl who loves to run the show. Your mind enthralls me, when I see that mereglimmer of divineintellect, I can't breathe for fear the moment will just flit away. You make me hungry for more. I keep coming back for more. You know you do have an art, published poetry looks very pale compared to yours. Yeah, I found the notebook. I also don't need to tell you how smart you are, there are enough techies building your ego probably as we speak.

And your body...ahh, you make me hurt. I don't know if you understand, you make me very conscious of mine ( I'm so afraid of suffocating you), but sometimes I watch you when I know you're not looking, and I can't concentrate. All I can think of is the first time, your sitting up on my bed, arms wrapped around those corded knees, almost like a girl, smoking a Red. (I'm smoking most of the pack I burned you for right now) We fell asleep that night, we were so worn out from running around the city for four nights, talking, joking, eating guacamole. But we weren't done with each other yet. I'm not done with you yet. I don't know if I ever could be.

I'm always afraid I won't be enough for you. Not that I've completely ingratiated myself,(I'm not noding 'ingratiated' because I don't think I spelled it right), I just don't always know if I'm what you want. (like you tell me...)It's hard to tell because you keep so quiet about what you really want. I'm not a geek, but there are so many geeks, maybe you want something different. I know you're the type of different I want. So I can't explain you or your actions a good part of the time. I can't explain my actions, either. Who gives a shit? I'd like to be in a part of our lives where we don't owe an explanation to anyone. Where you can talk to me like you do when we're alone, in nonsense, which is a damn language at this point. Chickens and stuff. Where you can be confident enough to shut off the bad-ass mode for a minute and acknowledge the fact that I am a girl. I'm your girl, and I think you're just grasping that concept. You are the only male alive that is allowed to make me feel like a girl other than my father. But you have one up on him because you're also going to have the chance to see me as a woman. You know what I mean, nothing sick intended. I'm proud I've gotten the chance to see you grow too.

I don't really want to leave, but I think it's time. I love your family, they are possibly some of my best friends. But I need to get out from under their feet. So do you, so come with me soon. You've seen what I can do, what I'm capable of, and if this is what you want, you can have it. We need to be on our own. I have wanted to build something up with you for a very long time. I was just waiting to see if the feelings were ever returned. How many times have I just wished I had run off to Vegas with you? I can't even fuckin' tell you. But that's besides the point. I am actually ready to make a long term commitment, but only if you are. Now, I'm not necessarily talking rings and stuff, I think we have fairly parallel views on that marriage kakamami. But I want to remind you of something. I totally ran out on the last two situations like that. I knew it wasn't right. But I'm tired of running. I don't feel the need, I just want to set some boundaries. Agie once said there was something she couldn't put her finger on about you, and I told her, "I have a weird feeling about this one. Imagine the last person I would consider being 'the one'." She laughed and said I could be right. She really did like you. She thought you were funny!

Third time's a charm. And this time we talk. This time we work together. No more jealousies, only white lies, and space when one of us needs it. We both have a really hard time with that. And I would go anywhere with you. I hope you'd come with me. Arizona, not Florida again, South Carolina....but only to see Eileen, Texas...I would have left everything, Boston, NY...I haven't been in a long time, England, oh man, you gotta see that!, Australia...I could transfer, Mexico...I hear T&J's nice this time of year,....Phil's, I love the techies...even DoubleD. Anywhere, and the next time you want to go to Philly for the weekend, just let me pack a bag! Friends? I will always have your back. But let's avoid Vegas until our minds have caught up with our hearts. Besides, your mom would kill us. Shit!!! Are you planning on DefCon this year???