A Guy With A Ph.D. In Threesomes Explains How To Have Them Ethically

How To Have Ethical Threesomes, According To A Guy Who Studies Them

Science has studied all kinds things sex-related, from orgasms to sexuality to fetishes, but surprisingly there hasn't been much research into the topic of threesomes. So, Ryan Scoats, a researcher at Birmingham City University, thought he'd change that and do his Ph.D. research on threesomes.

In his research, Scoats found that threesomes are more common than you might think. In his paper, provocatively titled "I don't mind watching him cum," 10 out of 30 undergraduate men in their first 18 months of study had had a threesome, half of whom had tried one with another man, known as an MMF threesome. The total percentage would "likely be higher" if the research was done later in their education, due to the prevalence of sex on campus, Scoats explains.

The researcher has also worked on a forthcoming study involving 28 men and women who've had a threesome.

We spoke with Scoats about his research and what men need to know before jumping into a threesome:

AskMen: Gotta start out with the burning question: How can you do a Ph.D. in threesomes?

Ryan Scoats: Well, a Ph.D. is about expanding our knowledge of the world. So you need to pick topics that are under-researched. After having threesome experiences myself I found that the research wasn’t really there, so I thought it’d be a good area I could carve a niche out of and find out more.

AM: How does society normally see threesomes?

RS: I think society sees threesomes in a contrasting light. On the one hand, they are stigmatized broadly and people don’t often talk about them. But by the same token, especially by the younger generation, there’s almost the intention to explore sexuality and having a threesome for some people is one of these things that people have to tick off their list.

AM: Yeah, it's definitely glorified in some ways, but not necessarily the MMF threesomes you talked about in your research. Like "crossing swords," they don't want to do that.

RS: If we look at society and we look at how men, especially younger generations of men, behave today with each other; the tactility, the emotion sharing, the bromances... It suggests that in the past, men would not have been as comfortable having threesomes with each other. And from some of the guys I’ve spoken to, they’ve had these threesomes and it’s fun. It's a nice thing to do with a friend, it’s a good story. For [others], they’re happy to do something sexual with another guy as part of that exploration, but it’s less common than men just being comfortable with having an MMF threesome.

AM: Did you find that a lot of people that had threesomes were already in a relationship and just brought someone else in?

RS: It was a mix. Quite often it can be a couple and then they invite a third person in. I guess with a threesome you have the added difficulty of finding three people that find each other attractive. When you start with a couple you already have two people that find each other attractive, so it kind of simplifies that. But by the same token, there will be those that talked about it occurring with friends, two people that they knew. Others talked about one-night stands and went back to their house and their roommate or friend got involved. It happened quite organically or spontaneously.

RS: Not many of the people I spoke to were using dating apps to find threesomes, but there were some people. Initially, they were just looking to do something a bit different and maybe under the impression [a threesome] wasn’t going to happen unless they sort them out by using apps or websites where people are looking to find these things. If you think it’s something you want to encounter then definitely it’d be a good way to facilitate that.

More broadly, I would say that the internet and access to information about different sexualities and different sexual behaviors has fed into a much more open culture where people are less afraid to perhaps try new things. So things are perhaps less shocking than perhaps they would have been in the past.

AM: What apps do people use?

RS: Feeld (formerly 3inder), Grindr and Fabswingers. One person used Tinder to find someone, but I think they were specifically using it to find someone to have a threesome.

AM: Should people explicitly state on dating sites that they're looking for a threesome?

RS: Absolutely. I think it can be a scary thing for people to be open about these things with strangers and to put themselves out there and receive potential stigma from other people for doing so. But by being open and honest about these things, you’re less likely to be open to potential problems in the future.

AM: We hear a lot about how the younger generation is more fluid with their sexual orientation. Did you find that?

RS: Being a man is not the same as what it meant 30 years ago. So with millennials, they haven’t grown up through times of intense homophobia, they haven’t grown up around scaremongering about AIDS. They don’t have the same kind of stigma about doing things that would have labeled them as gay as in the past.

AM: What kinds of things do you have to be prepared for with a threesome that they might not for sex between two people?

RS: If it's a guy having sex with two women, then he needs to be changing the condom in between having sex. On a more personal level, there has to be more of a discussion about consent and understanding and what it means. Is this just a threesome or is it looking to be something more? People need to consider these things before having a threesome — otherwise, things can get messy.

AM: Any other rules or things to be cautious about?

RS: If it’s a couple and another person joining them, they might sometimes restrict behaviors to preserve the specialness of the relationship. Otherwise, I think just understanding, knowledge and communication between people. Just so that all three people have the same understanding on the same level rather than one person having one idea and two other people having very different ideas of what [this threesome] is about.