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I was waiting outside Eight Turn Crepe in NYC when a marketing consultant emerged and said, “These guys don’t know what they’re doing with their marketing. What a stupid name. That’s the first thing I’d change.” Did he know that eight turns is a unique, traditional way of making Japanese crepes, and this was the only place to get them in New York? Doesn’t sound like it. But he knows what they’re doing wrong, and I’m sure he’s willing to tell us about our failings too.

Often people hire what they think are "ninjas", "gurus", and "rockstars" on the basis of their ability to find things that are wrong–to criticize, paired with an ability to articulate best practices–which really anyone with cursory knowledge of blogs, articles, and other literature in some practice area can do. It’s easy to forget that “ninjas”, “gurus”, and “rock stars” aren’t jobs. When we see them on LinkedIn, a home page, or in a Twitter profile, the implication is that I or we 'have the answers.'

I get asked on occasion whether I would hire one, and my response is “What did they say?” Invariably, it’s criticism. “They found 18 things wrong with our home page.” “They said we’re doing publicity all wrong.” “Apparently our SEO is completely jacked up.” Criticism.

“Did they ask any questions?” I ask. “No, they just think we need to fix a lot of things.” And there’s my answer. Ask them for input and, if it’s a round of criticism, I wouldn’t hire them.

Criticism is the bread and butter of the self-professed superstar. And criticism is cheap. Criticism is, at its core, an attempt at dominance and control. It says ‘rely on our authority, because look how badly you’re doing things.’ Criticism isn’t substance; it’s a trick. It’s marketing snake oil–the lowest level of persuasion and a distraction from what adds value.

It’s not just low-level consultants that employ this device, however. The traditional consulting model is rife with it. Major consulting firms employ criticism to drive sales and get us to do what they want. ‘Hire us, because we know what to do, and clearly you don’t. Seriously–you’re going to market with THAT? No, no, no. That’s bad. Trust us. We’re going to tear all of this down and set it right.’

In fact, millions of dollars (not thousands–millions) are wasted by major companies every year when they swallow this “trust us, because you're wrong” pitch. Implied, subtly, is “You need us. We–on the other hand–can do everything right.”

Criticism is the talons of control. The first time we probably saw it was with parents or some family member. Most of us have an uncle or someone who employs it to manipulate others. “You’re being foolish. That’s all wrong. You’re making a big mistake!”

We got criticism again in school. “Oh, did you see her hair?!?” “Who is that loser?” Criticism drove acceptance of the “in crowd”. It said “We know what everyone should do. Anything else is wrong.”

We grow up and criticism now fills our media and gossip rags. Pay attention to Fox news on any given day, and it’s a steady stream of criticism–what’s wrong with LeBron James and Olympic Skier Lindsey Vonn, for recent examples. A 2006 study by the Project for Excellence in Journalism concluded that 68% of Fox cable stories contained personal opinions. According to the Washington Post, these are largely driven by “the memo” circulated each day to Fox anchors by the C-suite, instructing them on how selected news should be positioned and what points to drive home. It's not by accident that most of those points are a commentary on what's wrong. Criticism is apparently the sine qua non of the coverage, while ‘news’ is merely the vehicle.

The Rise Of The Anti-Leader

Criticism is the passcard to some of the attention-getting personality spectacles who assert through sheer chutzpah that they know what they’re talking about. Simon Cowell, known for epitomizing harsh judgments, came out of nothing to host Idol and The X-Factor. Was it innate talent? In fairness, he seems to have embraced an entirely new direction of compassion and recent positivity. But then there’s The Apprentice host who became our critic in chief after making a name for himself by roasting pageant contestants and announcing “you’re fired”, despite little evidence he has ever made a business operate successfully.

Anthony Scaramucci was fired from the White House over criticisms, in his The New Yorker interview, of Reince Priebus and Steve Bannon, but he was also universally critical: “I want you to imagine the worst person that you’ve met on Wall Street, the most ruthless and the most diabolical. That’s the best person in Washington.” Wow. Whether or not he’s correct, that’s only a partial list of his non-stop targets. Criticism is his modus operandi, yet we've admired his cavalier, tinted sunglasses and thumbs-up, acrimony–like some vengeful Fonzie from the dark side. It has a certain appeal. Saying what everyone was doing wrong made us actually take him more seriously–more than may be warranted by any competence, talent, or diplomacy he might otherwise possess.

Some of us will accept criticism from these lightning rod celebrities, in home or high school, media or politics, where we might dismiss it from others. They present themselves as standard setters on the sheer persuasiveness of their gall. Whether or not that’s harmless, what happens when we welcome them into our businesses in the form of ourselves as leaders or others as guest consultants?

My business partner, Steve Pruneau, says his default reaction to commentary without context is “no”, even if it’s right, because the basis for offering it is detrimental. If these were known authorities or they’d built rapport with us, then they might have credibility. But without that trust, it points to a deficit in leadership skills.

Powerful Leadership Rejects Criticism

Powerful leaders focus on what they want, not the negative. They accomplish through attraction, not control. Imagine you’re working with a team to create a web design, and it’s not right. Do you list everything that’s wrong or the things that you want? The “law of attraction” is tactical. Criticism bombards and shuts down the creative mind; saying what we want gets it working.

The powerful offer encouragement, not criticism. Powerful consultants don’t begin with a list of your mistakes. They begin with what you’ve achieved, what you’re doing right, and how you’ll win. The person that can see that is who I want to hire.

In the face of requests for the impossible or unreasonable, the powerful don’t say, “No, you can’t do that.” They ask how we might do it and invite discussion to list all the possible ways–brainstorming without judgment. They lead with “what if” and “yes”. In the end, if it still looks unlikely, they might ask, “Wow, that’s a lot of time and money to get to that. Do we think it’s feasible?” or say, “But I’m concerned about this…”

Who leads like that? I think Jack Kennedy did. "We are not here to curse the darkness, but to light the candle..." Barack Obama does, from tweeting good news from 2017 to explaining “Why I’m Optimistic” in Smithsonian Magazine. That's not an act of politics, but of leadership. PBS says Oprah persuades 48 million viewers and 55 million readers that way. "The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate."

Leadership Is Nurture, Not Negation

A few years back, I stood and debated with Landmark spokesperson Josselyne Herman. She asked, “If you could spend all your time working to change the world, what would you do?” I said, “I’d spend it fighting suffering, abuse, and injustice. I wouldn’t spend it navel-gazing.” She turned to the audience, “Did you hear that?” I asked, “Would you join me?” “No,” she said. “I wouldn’t join you in fighting those things, because then I would neglect the most powerful contribution I can make.” “What’s that?” I asked. “Building,” she said, “an army of people who create the individual empowerment and authenticity that precludes those things.” “Your way,” she said, “creates nothing. It’s only against things. You’ll fight them all your life, and they’ll still be there. Mine will create goodness at every step in every moment, and I will accomplish your goal to the degree anyone can accomplish it, sooner and more powerfully than you.” I lost that match. I lost the whole debate. And I haven’t forgotten it. Powerful people define ourselves by what we are for and our actions by what we want , not what we are against and what we hate.

When I was younger, I said “I’d be willing to spend my whole life if I could just take one inch off of the system of oppression that holds the world in its grip–like a scale from a dragon. I wouldn’t have to win; I’d weaken it for the next guy, and he’d do so for the next, and little by little we take it down.” A friend responded, “I wouldn’t give one minute to taking that scale off the dragon. My way is different. Start with myself, and create goodness. Invite as many other people as are willing to join me, until little-by-little it moves outward, growing, and filling what part of the world I can manage to fill.” “Six of one,” I said. “No,” she said. “If you die tomorrow, you’ll have created nothing. If I do, I'll have created goodness with every breath I could muster.” This is a lesson I’ve had to learn more than once, and continue to learn. Leadership is nurture, not negation.

Leaders Are Not Gurus

In fairness, some people can only ‘lead’ by tearing down. They either don’t know how to ask for what they want, or they’re conditioned to get it through criticism. But is that the kind of leadership or partnership we want?

I don’t get upset when someone else calls me “guru”, but it’s not a role I accept. Recently, my brand has banned “list posts” which I think are dying in their relevance to and reception by an audience. You see them everywhere: “5 Things You’re Doing Wrong As A Leader”, “7 Things You Must Do Or Know”. Control and criticism with raw assertions that you must follow our lead are not leadership, nor are they expertise. This is one reason I like storytelling; the suggested participation is voluntary. You’re not stupid or negligent if you don’t drink the Kool-Aid. You're invited to draw your own conclusions.