Chapter 7

It would be quite sad really if it wasn’t so hilarious………..I’m talking about Morton Balthus of course.

In Grimney, Morton was a force to be reckoned with, I would go as far as to say he was the most powerful being in the land. Even the most ferocious monsters would cower in his presence; he was both feared and revered in equal measure.

Master wizard of Grimney was his title and citizens would touch their forelocks whenever he passed by in his magnificent carriage. Anyone who could perform magic had learned their trade from him. Balthus had never failed a fete and every other wizard in the land had ambitions to out perform him. Each year he would astound the audiences at the annual wizards’ convention with his unbelievable magic and leave even the most accomplished wizards gawping in amazement at his stunning displays of wizardry.

Not only that but he was painfully handsome. Every female in Grimney hoped one day to be Mrs Balthus and he was never short of a beautiful woman on his arm.

The story goes that one night he was cooking clam chowder and instead of taking a spoon from the drawer to stir it, the wizard lazily grabbed the nearest object – his magic wand – and proceeded to stir the mixture with it.

The resulting blue flash was reportedly seen in Toraz which was several hundred miles away from Morton’s castle in Gilgara.

It was poor Grimnien who returned to the castle to discover the clam lying on his back under the table, frantically waving his tentacles in despair. If it hadn’t been for Morton’s wand being clutched tightly in one of the tentacles, Grimnien might never have realised what had happened.

The two wizards worked tirelessly for several months trying to find an antidote to the spell and restore Morton to his former glory but to no avail. They did think they had found a breakthrough when they managed to shrink him down to the size of a pin head then weeks later, developed a potion which increased his size to that of an average man but that was how he stayed and still remains to this day.

Poor Morton! I don’t think he realises quite how ridiculous he looks – or how bad he smells for that matter! He still thinks he’s a real clam about town and surprisingly he still manages to pull the………….erm to have lots of lady friends which just goes to show that it’s personality that wins over looks. He did date @DebHoudekRule for a while and when he left her she told everyone in Twitterland that she worshipped the slime he slithered in. Believe me, Deb is no dim bimbo either although…….she IS blonde!

Anyway the thing is it is sad to watch Morton acting the Big I Clam, I feel he still imagines himself to be the charming, handsome man that he was previous to his tragic ‘accident’ and has quite forgotten that he is now only a shell of the great man he once was. If he ever spots the clam in the mirror the damage could be irreparable. It would be a tragedy if he were to end up being a nowhere clam.

When you REALLY, REALLY think about it, it’s a terrible fate and not funny at all. Just think about it for a minute, imagine if, say………..The UK Prime Minister woke up one morning and found himself inside the body of a ………let’s say a rabbit. OK so David Cameron is still the same person doing the same job but he has big furry ears and a fluffy tail….ok? Inside he’s still the same person with the same dead posh voice but on the outside people are looking at a rabbit. Now, for one thing what WOULD he do without his thumbs?? Think about it folks, it’s really sad! There’s David Cameron on the watchy box explaining to the ple …….erm citizens why they must cut down on their luxuries, such as food, but all the citizens would be looking blankly at each other because they wouldn’t understand what he was telling them. Not because his voice had changed but because he wouldn’t be able to do prime ministerial hand gestures (palms facing each other, thumbs erect) to emphasise what he meant. Imagine the chaos that would ensue! It doesn’t bear thinking about, I mean, all the ple…..erm UK citizens would carry on, happily buying food, not realising what a mess the country was in and before you know it, everybody would be walking around with big smiles on their faces and feeling happy! Now do you see?…….erm……hang on………..

And that’s only one minor effect, How would her Majesty the Queen of England feel about entertaining a rabbit every week in her palace? Next time you see Mr Cameron on your watchy box just imagine him with long ears and a fluffy tail and see how it makes you feel! It’s not funny I tell you……not funny at all!

Now maybe you will have a little bit more understanding when dealing with our ‘clam’ Show him a bit of respect? Remember, he is really a clam of the world.. Disregard the slime dripping from his shell, the fishy pong, the wriggling tentacles and remember that behind every good clam………oh no, that’s not it, I forget what I was going to say now……….

Just because Gongleshanks addresses him as ‘Slimeball’ doesn’t mean you have to do the same, even clams have feelings you know and one day he may just find an antidote to that spell! I bet Gongleshanks hasn’t thought of that! Heaven help the imp if he does!

Realistically I don’t suppose life in Twitterland is all that different to Grimney for Morton. He swans around on his clambretta now instead of in his carriage.He is still the pompous oaf he always was, ponsing around doing very little and expecting everyone to fall at his tentacles thinking he’s God’s gift! He still thinks he’s a handsome babe magnet and………..he can’t wait to point out if somebody (me!) makes a spelling mistake – you know what educated people are like!

GONGLE!……….Sorry about that Mr Balthus < touches forelock> I went to get a cup of coffee and when I returned that imp was tapping away!…………..