“I may have to go to New York later in the week.” Christian’s announcement interrupts my reverie.

Oh goody, can you kick up a fuss like he did when you wanted to go away?

“It’ll mean an overnight. I want you to come with me.”

I. WANT. YOU. TO.

She protests that she’s just been off for three weeks and won’t get the time off. He rolls his eyes because he owns the company which, again, is NOT THE FUCKING POINT.

“How are you getting to New York?”
“The company jet, why?”
“I just wanted to check if you were taking Charlie Tango.”

Don’t worry, crazy psychos can sabotage planes too!

“That reminds me. There’s a gun in your desk.”

I think it’s possible to be too casual about a gun, and that is what has happened here.

“It’s Leila’s,” he says finally.

So reassuring.

He asks if she put the safety back on and she says there is no safety on the gun. He admits he knows nothing about guns, which makes him owning one without a safety even more terrifying. They get in the car and drive to work.

“You should ask Taylor to teach you how to shoot,” I say.
“Anastasia, I despise guns.”

So why the hell do you OWN ONE?

“Please learn how to shoot.”
“No. End of discussion, Anastasia.”

Interesting that he can just end conversations and she can’t.

She asks about Leila. The ex has enrolled in an art school in Connecticut and is doing well. Boo, how boring. They arrive at work.

Midmorning I have a break in meetings. I notice an email from Christian.

Can you leave each other alone for ONE DAY?

“You are a wonderful, talented, beautiful woman. And all mine.”

She knows. We all know.

“Yes, I am yours and you, my dear overbearing husband who refuses to exercise his constitutional right to bear arms, are mine.”

It’s like EL James decided to deal with ISSUES in this book, and for chapter 9 she’s chosen the theme of GUNS.

This dialogue is meaningless and yet inexplicably takes up several inane pages.

“I thought you were a breast man…”

It’s still going on.

“Behave while I’m away.”

Honestly still happening.

I hit “send” and sip my latte. Who knew I’d grow to love coffee?

Yes, this may be character development, but it is also BORING.

Later on Ana gets anxious because Christian has flown to New York and not called yet. So she calls him and they have ANOTHER conversation. Ana reveals that she’s going out for a drink with best friend Kate. OH NOOOO.

“She is after a quick drink.”
Please let me go out!

Let you?! He’s in New York! He couldn’t stop you if he tried!

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he says quietly. Too quietly.

Because a bit of metal on her finger does not mean she must defer to you in … oh for fuck’s sake, I give up.

“Okay,” I acquiesce. “We’ll stay in.”
“Only while this lunatic is out there. Please.”

Don’t pretend this is about Jack.

“I’d better go. Ana, do as you’re told, please.”

I SWEAR I LOSE A THOUSAND BRAIN CELLS EVERY TIME I READ THIS BOLLOCKS.

They literally do the ‘you hang up, no you hang up’ thing. Meanwhile, I’ve decided to break my own ankles with a hammer.

“So where are we going?”
“Christian wants us to go back to the apartment.”

Oh, how are you going to justify this one?

“Can’t we sneak a quick cocktail at the Zig Zag Café?”

Why is Kate getting involved in this? She doesn’t have to sneak anywhere.

I hold up my index finger. “One.”

Christian will find out, he will be angry, they will argue then he will say it’s only because he loves her and wants to keep her safe. Then he will punish her with some sexy spanking, and so it goes on.

Kate and I have not stopped talking. I had forgotten how much I like hanging out with her.

It’s almost like having friends is a good thing.

They talk about kids.

It hadn’t even crossed my mind that my kids will be rich. Holy crap. This needs further thought.

They’ll also have a domineering, emotionally abusive father, but yes, let’s focus on the money thing.

“Kate, it’s late. We should go.”
It’s ten fifteen.

Argh! Quick, before the limo turns back into a pumpkin!

“Marriage obviously agrees with you.”
Could I be any happier?

Yes, I guarantee it.

I must make more of an effort to see Kate, but the truth is, I love being in my bubble with Christian.

Well, fuck it then.

She checks her BlackBerry. Five missed calls, a text saying ‘WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?’ and an email! She texts him.

“I’M STILL IN ONE PIECE. I HAD A NICE TIME. MISSING YOU – PLEASE DON’T BE MAD”

Inexplicably in all caps.

The doors to the elevator open, and for a split second I stare at the foyer table.
What is wrong with this picture?
The vase of flowers lies smashed into fragments all over the floor … and the table is overturned.

Thank you for reading this garbage for me because I would of pulled my eyes out with a spoon and ask some on to through hot pepper in my sockets. How awful can one book be to turn it into a movie? I mean really!! There were erotica way before this crap but suddenly this book is the best out there says people who never read a book in there life. Thank you because of you I don’t have to read this book … I don’t know how u did it his book would been deleted off my iPad or burned I can’t stand badly written books.. How the heck did this book became so highly recommended… O crap it’s the new wave…reality tv is número uno … The kardishians are celebrities… Were are doomed!!
I love your blog

Your commentary is the best. I love your blog! While being confined to a halo brace for three months after fracturing the second vertebrae in my cervical spine, your blog provided me with many laughs. Thank you very much!