Monday, 9 May 2016

Bright Yellow Thing Causes Beer Shortage

Disaster struck in South West London yesterday as a bright yellow ball in the sky caused thousands of people to leave their homes in search of the fabled crafty beer now available in so many newly refurbished, shabby-chic boozers.

Those venturing out in late afternoon on Sunday evening were left devastated at the total lack of crafty beer left in the pubs in Tooting!

Your craft beer 'event' is sold out!

Half-witted beer blagger, Rancidbarfly, himself one of those who left it too late was forced to ponder why pubs were running so low on crafty beer when there was so much bland tasteless shite still to drink!

Surely Tooting hasn't become this gentrified in the seven months I've been away!? Can someone please tell the brain dead masses that crafty beer is for a select few people and not them! With only the likes of Goose Island, Meantime, Lagunitas and Camden Town left on the taps I was forced to drink a flat pint of Trumans rather than a lovely fizzy can of Beavertown which i was really looking forward to!

Real experts were quick to come to all sorts of conclusions as to why the crafty beer had run out claiming that pubs just aren't used to ordering so much crafty beer or even that the breweries themselves can't cope with the sheer scale of orders when the sun comes out twice a year! Others speculated that with all these new 'celebrity brewers' spending all their time out of their breweries pretending to be cool and going to made-up 'conferences', they simply weren't spending enough time brewing beer!

A brewer who wished to remain nameless angrily replied to questions on the lack of availability of his beer "Listen, we simply don't want the capacity to keep up with the likes of Meantime, Camden Town or their 'partners' because our beer is a fucking event, man and it's going to remain such!