If you’re worried that this winter you won’t gain your traditional twenty pounds gorging on cookies, ham, eggnog, pie, leftovers, beer, and whatever weird special food your family likes to have for holidays, don’t worry — you can buy a whole half-gallon of ranch dressing from Hidden Valley to make sure you’re good and blubbered up for the winter.

Hidden Valley is selling a limited edition, magnum-sized bottle of ranch dressing for the holidays. It’s got enough sodium and fat to immediately send an Olympic swimmer into cardiac arrest. In fact, it’s not entirely clear that a ranch arm won’t burst forth from the bottle and rip your heart straight out of your chest, Temple of Doom style.