The following article was written by myself and Wyatt Arndt and appeared in the Sunday Province newspaper. It’s a good paper. You should buy it every day.

For the first time since we can remember, the Vancouver Canucks won’t be in the Stanley Cup playoffs (Note: we have bad memories). Tonight, the final curtain drops on the Canucks’ season until the Fall, and you may be asking yourself, “what should I do if I still want to watch hockey?“

Just because our beloved Canucks let you down, that doesn’t mean you still can’t enjoy the best damn tournament in sports. So here is our guide for you to find the right team to cheer for, and the right team to cheer against.

ST. LOUIS BLUES

Why you should cheer them on: Because it’s the hip thing to do. During the offseason and at the trade deadline, St.Louis built themselves a war horse of a team. For all you front runners out there, now is the time to jump on the bandwagon.

Why you should hate them: With losses being a precious commodity at this point in the year in terms of getting a better draft position, the “Best in the Mid-West” gave Vancouver no help in 2013-14, losing the season series to Vancouver 3-0. St. Louis was ruining the “Tank Job” before we even knew we wanted it.

COLORADO AVALANCHE

Why you should cheer them on: They were at the bottom of the conference last year, and now find themselves the cream of the crop in the West.

Why you should hate them: Their example this year gives us Canucks fans hope, no worse than that, “expectations” that Vancouver will pull the exact same routine next season. If the Canucks don’t, let’s just all remember it was this Avalanche team that made us believe it was possible. Jerks.

ANAHEIM DUCKS

Why you should cheer them on: Two words, Teemu Selanne.

Why you should hate them: Seven words: “That time they beat us nine to one”.CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS
Why you should cheer them on: Love them or hate them, they built their team the right way. Tanking hard many seasons ago and then using those draft picks and savvy free agent signings to win multiple Stanley Cups.

Why you should hate them: So many reasons, but we’ll stick with the fact that A) They are the defending champions B) To Canucks fans, they are essentially the “Bruins of the West”. North, West, East or South, we do not cheer for the Bruins.

SAN JOSE SHARKS
Why you should cheer them on: It was the Sharks sweeping the Canucks last year that brought about the change we all wanted and got Alain Vigneault fired, which paved the way for John Tortorella. And that solved everything, right? RIGHT?!

Why you should hate them: In arguably the biggest story of the season, Joe Thornton made us all think about his junk. We all hope he doesn’t score 4 goals in a playoff game.

LOS ANGELES KINGS

Why you should cheer them on: Willie Mitchell winning a Stanley Cup warms a Vancouverite’s heart.

Why you should hate them: He already won the Cup two years ago. That exhausts any good will the Kings have unless you are one of seven people in the world that desperately wants to see Marian Gaborik win the Stanley Cup.MINNESOTA WILD

Why you should cheer them on: Give the Wild credit, they have come a long way from the boring, awful brand of hockey they became synonymous with in the 2000s. Heck, they even scored more goals than the Canucks this season.

Why you should hate them: Even though with the divisional re-alignment squashed the rivalry between the Canucks and the Wild, there is still just something about them that doesn’t sit right with us. Maybe it’s because the phrase “Minnesota scored more goals this season than Vancouver” is a fact now, instead of a hilarious joke you can tell at parties. Yeah, we’re pretty steamed about that, actually.

DALLAS STARS

Why you should cheer them on: Who doesn’t love an 8th seed underdog? Except of course for Canucks fans circa 2012. Damn those Kings!

Why you should hate them: They currently pay Tim Thomas to play hockey. Boo00! Hisssssss!

Boston Bruins

Why you should cheer them on: No. You should NEVER cheer on the Bruins. The fact you even looked at this section for a reason to cheer them on disgusts us. Remember Brad Marchand, Zdeno Chara and Milan Lucic? Remember?? There is no reason to ever cheer on the Bruins, unless they are the only thing left that could prevent aliens from conquering Earth and enslaving mankind forever.

On second thought, let the aliens win.

Why you should hate them: They exist.

Montreal Canadiens

Why you should cheer them on: If you’re a big fan of the Stanley Cup “coming home” to Canada, regardless of which team completes the task, then cheering on the only Canadian team in the 2014 NHL playoffs is your best bet. They also have BC native and gold medal winning goaltender Carey Price in net, which at the very least, allows you to say “the goalie who won the Cup last year? Yeah, he’s from BC.”

Why you should hate them: Remember when the Canucks were trying to win the Cup in 2011 and everyone decided to hate Vancouver? Well, it’s time to return that favor. You can practice making up narratives out of nothing (“Markov sometimes punches babies during warm up!”) and giggle with glee as other people begin to pile on beside you. Just remember, whomever Montreal faces, make sure to state that their opponent plays hockey “the right way.”

Tampa BayLightning

Why you should cheer them on: They are an exciting young team led by a new breed of coach in Jon Cooper. Steven Stamkos connecting on a one timer is so exciting to watch it should be rated 18+. Tyler Johnson is 5″9 and had 50+ points in his rookie season. Sami Salo possibly winning a Stanley Cup is reason enough for Canucks fans to cheer them on (even if Salo would break both hands trying to lift the Cup). Steve Yzerman leading this team to victory would also give hope to the Trevor Linden management route the Canucks have taken, as well.

Why you should hate them: Do you hate the color blue? I guess that’s a reason. Do lightning bolts offend you? That’s another one. We honestly have no idea how you can hate the Lightning. They get less rain than Vancouver? There we go, that’s a solid reason right there. Damn sun loving jerks.

Pittsburgh Penguins

Why you should cheer them on: Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin attempting to win a Cup despite Marc-Andre Fleury is exciting to watch. It’s like watching a more talented version of the 2003 Canucks trying to win a Cup despite Dan Cloutier. The Penguins also have Kris Letang recovering from a stroke, returning just in time for the playoff run, which is a heart warming story to follow. Did we mention how much fun it is to cheer on a team with Fleury in net? He makes every game close and exciting.

Why you should hate them: They went from Mario Lemieux to Sidney Crosby. That just isn’t fair. Also, if Crosby wins another Cup it just means another hundred badly done Sidney Crosby commercials where he attempts to sell Canadians things they were already going to buy. “You should buy coffee, donuts and hockey sticks!” Yeah, we knew that already Sid….

Philadelphia Flyers

Why you should cheer them on: Claude Giroux. The man once played beer pong with two broken wrists, how can you not support that? Also, they are a young team that is fast and fun to watch. They are also very easy to see on the TV, due to the fact they have the brightest orange jerseys ever created. We are pretty sure their jerseys are made out of pieces of the sun.

This is also a team that for some reason traded away Mike Richards and Jeff Carter, which as Canucks fans, we can relate to. “Wait a minute, we just had two number one goalies in Luongo and Schneider a year ago, what the hell happened??”

Why you should hate them: The stench of Chris Pronger still floats over this team. The Flyers can wash themselves as many times as they want, but we all know Pronger has been there…

DetroitRed Wings

Why you should cheer them on: They are a classy organization that every team in the league has wanted to emulate at least once in their life time during the last twenty years. If your GM hasn’t said ‘We want to operate a Detroit like model” at least once then your team is doing it wrong.

Watching Alfredsson trying to go out on top will also be a fun spectacle to follow, even moreso because there won’t be an annoying “Mission: 16 W” rhetoric attached to it like when Ray Bourque went all mercenary on us and tried for his Cup win.

Why you should hate them: BECAUSE THEY’VE WON ENOUGH. Seriously.

Columbus Blue Jackets

Why you should cheer them on: They are the underdogs of underdogs. Nobody expects anything from them, which makes them super fun to watch. Also you can be the hipster fan who tells people that you were a fan of them before they made the playoffs.

Also, they shoot a cannon to signal goals in Columbus. In Vancouver, businessmen text to their clients to signal a goal. One of these is much cooler than the other.

Why you should hate them: Because if Columbus wins the Cup, it means Columbus got a Stanley Cup before Vancouver did. That’s just downright sad.

New York Rangers

Why you should cheer them on: If you were a big fan of Alain Vigneault then this is your moment to shine! Laugh as an AV led team goes deep into the playoffs while the Torts led Canucks enjoy the golf courses! Other than that, 1994 sadness still swirls within our souls, so we can’t recommend cheering on the Rangers too much.

Why you should hate them: Mark Messier. Always Mark Messier.

(Never Forget ’94)

You can follow both j.Bowman and Wyatt Arndt on Twitter (@jBowmancouver, @TheStanchion). They’ll cheer, but they draw the line at buying merch for their adopted teams. This is just temporary until Vancouver wins the whole damn thing in 2015.

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