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As our moms, teachers, and even CERTAIN WEBSITES repeatedly stress, nothing on the internet ever truly disappears. The internet has held a record of some very painful and embarrassing stages of my life. My online identity remains a fixed being, even while my in-person identity shifts, changes, and discards layers on the daily.

While it’s definitely amusing to look back and read things I’ve written or posted when I was in different stages of life, it becomes far less amusing when I consider how much of that writing or those photographs are visible to both everyone I’ve ever known and grown up with, plus complete strangers. I’m not ashamed of what I used to think or feel—I just don’t know if I like so many people having access to a complete archive of my thoughts, emotions, and pictures dating back to 2008. I’ve made it a habit to delete or hide most of the old posts (and even some not-so-old posts) from my social media profiles, unpaid writing I did for websites or blogs that promote views I can no longer stand by, and videos of me performing poems that I would rather keep to myself.

Once, a friend and I were having a conversation about online identity. I mentioned how I like to delete or make private a lot of my social media and internet presence. She was really surprised by this, and said she never deleted anything from her Facebook or Tumblr, even posts that were later identified as containing offensive content or misguided political sentiments. I asked her why, and she said it felt inauthentic; she didn’t think it was fair to curate your online or social media presence in such a way.

I respect where my friend is coming from and recognize that a lot of people feel similarly. But I don’t think there is anything noble about refusing to delete something that no longer reflects your political views, feelings, or ideological/emotional growth. I have believed a lot of varied things throughout my life, and these beliefs have disappeared or evolved over time. Pretty much all of my feelings on most subjects have done a complete 360 in the past few years. I don’t think the people in my life expect me to permanently hold onto what I used to think or feel, and I sure hope they don’t consider me inauthentic for evolving in my beliefs and feelings on certain subjects. You know—like a growing human being does.

Curating is a strange word, because it makes it seem like there’s something disingenuous about paying attention to the way you appear in person or online, when, in fact, this is something all of us do constantly. There is nothing shameful about it. Self-awareness is often viewed as self-consciousness or even narcissism, a dirtying of the “real” self. One of the most beautiful things I ever heard on this subject came from a talk by the poet Linh Dinh, whose work relies heavily on his interactions with other people, especially strangers. He said that people put on a show for one another, and that he finds this very touching: the fact that we all care enough about each other to make an effort and think about how we appear for one another. There was nothing patronizing about the way he said this. I felt as though he truly appreciated the way people presented themselves to him, and the pains they would take to make sure to be what they thought were their best selves around him.

I don’t think my online identity matters in the same way as my in-person identity does, but I think it matters enough for me to consider it. Our online identities are too complex for us to say they aren’t real. There are so many people I’ve met online who I feel very close to, despite having never met them in person. The court can hold us accountable for things we’ve said online, making our online selves legally authentic, too! As my grandmother loves to remind me, many people get fired from their jobs for things they’ve written on the internet, and, more personally, I have been turned off by a potential date because of some offensive things I saw on their Twitter.

I am not into the idea of being similarly judged for what I do online if that judgement is based on ideas I don’t believe in anymore. When I was in high school, I wrote a few unpaid articles for a religious website with sentiments that were very influenced by the pressures of the environment that I was in. I’m sure I believed in whatever I was writing when I published those articles, but after a few years, I began to feel uncomfortable with the fact that they were the first thing that represented me whenever anyone searched my name.

After a few years of worrying about who would read the articles detailing my dated fears about my relationship to God, I anxiously emailed the editor of the website and explained that the articles no longer reflected my feelings or views. Because I signed no contract in order to publish the articles, I asked her if she was able to take them down, or if not, change the name they were under. I expected her to say no, which is why I was surprised by her very kind response. In addition to agreeing to remove the articles, she wrote that as we move through life we all evolve, and, if we’re lucky, continue to develop. She said she admired me for my sincerity and integrity. After receiving her email, I thought about how allowing ourselves to delete and respecting others for exercising their right to delete, instead of thinking of it as “hiding” or shame of the past, we are being permissive and kind about the reality that people grow and change and make mistakes.

On some level, I know that I’m never really capable of getting rid of something once it’s posted online. The deleted video performances are still somewhere out there, Facebook still has a record of every picture I’ve posted, even if my friends can no longer see them, and my tweets are all stored and owned by Twitter—even the ones I’ve deleted. Nothing on the internet disappears, but there’s no shame in hiding or getting rid of whatever is in your power to rid of, so long as you no longer agree with the way it represents you. I like being allowed to grow and change in person, and so I push my online identity to reflect that. Caring about how we appear is just another consequence of being alive, and I don’t think that recognizing that is dishonest in the slightest. ♦

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I deleted my first blog I made when I was probably 10 after having it about a year. Sometimes I look back and wish I could still go back that far and see myself frozen in time, but if I’m honest with myself, I know what I said. The things I loved most and was proud of I can remember vividly. I personally find it hard to let go and even harder to accept when something is gone, but reading this made me feel a little less regret. It’s almost like erasing the sketch of an image, it’s just part of the process in the bigger picture of my life. Thanks for the thoughtful article tova :)

shannoncarolJune 17th, 201510:13 PM

This is so ironic because I was just deleting facebook statuses from when I was twelve! Its so weird to think about how we’re the first generation to have our life documented from a young age…I would love to see a compilation of dumb things the last generations did when they were thirteen

sophbloger16June 18th, 201512:45 AM

Even though there’s no shame in being self aware and deleting things off of social medias, it’s for this very reason that I try to eatch what I post in the first place since I know it’s never ever going away ever! Does that make me a curator? Maybe, but I don’t pretend to be completely polished. I just have the foresight to think about it.

JeanJune 18th, 20157:54 AM

This was a really lovely post, and is something I firmly believe in too.

I’ve been using the internet since I was at least 8 or 9, and over the past 12 years there is absolutely no way that I would be the exact same person. Diaries and blogs from when you are 10 were, pre-digital age, something to secret away, but if you began to discover who you were when the internet really took off, putting all that online seemed quite normal. I wouldn’t want anyone to read my physical diaries at that time, so I feel deleting my internet presence from when I was 10 is both freeing and incredibly important.

Great post!! :+)

-jean
oberjean.tumblr.com

starsinyourheartJune 18th, 20158:17 AM

I love this. I privateized most of my old blogs because I was such a bleeding heart mess I hate the idea of people reading my deepest darkest fuck ups. I also delete tweets constantly?! I always wanted my online identity to be easily definable and all in one place – but my thoughts were so scattered and disorganised across multiple social media platforms that I felt messy and cluttered.

FatedToPretendJune 18th, 201511:29 AM

This article is pretty great for me–Like many others here, I’ve been putting myself online for a while, and as a result of this, there’s lots of embarrassing posts to be found that don’t necessarily reflect the person I am today. I have a couple friends who like to look up Facebook posts and pictures from when I was much younger to show to me and laugh about, and they don’t understand why I might have a problem with this, which is why I often delete old posts when I can. I don’t really feel any shame in deleting things I feel don’t represent me properly, but I notice that people are prone to thinking it a dishonest or shameful thing to do, and I do think that’s unfair. It doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of who I was when I was younger, but it does mean that I want to properly represent myself and my beliefs online, and I think that’s okay.

DanaDragonflyJune 18th, 20153:15 PM

I love that quote: “he truly appreciated the way people presented themselves to him, and the pains they would take to make sure to be what they thought were their best selves around him.” I worry sometimes about how I seem to other people, or if I’m being genuine with different groups or online. This is a nice way to view it– I can think about if I am presenting my best self, as long as I’m being honest. Thanks for this!

diyanaJune 18th, 20155:06 PM

I made a new Facebook account at the beginning of senior year because I had deactivated my old one as a freshman, and I’m genuinely afraid of logging back onto my old account to see what kind of nonsense I’d been posting. I think it’s more than okay to delete your old posts because its unfair to let people judge you based on your past self. Every new person you meet does not need to sift through an archive of your past ignorance. I’d rather track my personal growth by reading old journals, but i was so ashamed of how dumb the ones I kept when I was a 11 – 13 were that I trashed them a few years ago.
Call-out culture has ensured people can get in HUGE trouble for things that were posted years ago; theres no statute of limitations when it comes to online vigilante justice. You will get dragged nd if you said something really bad you might get doxxed too.
I love that you made sure to highlight the fact that online identities are very much real. It’s a strange world, but everyone needs to understand that the things that happen on it are genuinely significant IRL. I’d like to think that the person I am today wouldn’t embarrass future me, but we are always maturing and evolving and you’re right – it’s okay to change your mind.

VagabondZombieJune 19th, 20152:41 AM

This is what I feel about my twitter. Twitter makes me say stuff that I don’t really want to be known for so I always end up deleting it! I could remember some of the stupid and mean stuff I’ve said about some people and realized that this is not who I am any more. I also used to say I hate soy milk. BUT I LOVE SOY MILK.

franciskaJune 19th, 20154:48 PM

I delete everything that might associate me with something I don’t want to have hanging off my back, so I mostly end up spending some hours every month going through everything, since my opinions change and my thoughts evolve around different topics, and since I don’t any people to associate my past me with my present me, well then I delete all stuff I feel isn’t me.

It also gives one time to reflect on who you as a person really are and what you stand for.

A nice read.

khailaJuly 13th, 20156:07 PM

i relate to this all too much! i’ve deleted my twitter three times, instagram once, and i’ve been wanting to delete my facebook!