POST RAPTURE SURVIVAL

The End Times are at hand­­. Yawn. For heaven’s sake bud, just rip the bandage off and get on with the Apocalypse now!

"Saigon... shit; I'm still only in Saigon..."

We at BRUISES THE GIN are endlessly amused by all of the shock and awe predictions of the earth cracking open like a small skull on a vast playground.

Finally giving in to the seeming inevitability of what the “truth-loving” so-called “Christian” groopies have been foreshadowing for a couple thousand years (based, of course, on astute statistical, meteorological, divine and scriptural research), we’ve generously packed a reusable Whole Foods grocery shopping bag with essential survival items (mainly gay porn) for Michele Bachmann and her chubby hubby, Dr. Marcus Bachmann, to take with them on their Ignorance Tour of the Cosmos with Rick Santorum, Pat Buchanan and Donald Wildmon (c’mon Don, you KNOW you want it!). And away they go. PLEASE!

Champagne's on me!

HAROLD CAMPING, YOU OLD TEASE, YOU!

Harold Camping, or Shari Draper

This year, we’re expecting Harold Camping to disappoint us again—twice. Way back in 1994, he promised a September wedding between the Almighty and His faithful. But just in case that didn’t occur, peebrain [sic] Camping made a contingency play-date with Jesus for May 21, 2011 (perhaps expecting to be enjoying his other world reward by now.). Our staff must have all been in post-orgasmic bliss because we totally missed whatever didn’t happen on that day. We now have to hold our collective breaths until October 21. Or not.

We suspect that the December 21, 2012, end of the Mayan calendar/earth spins into oblivion prediction is more inspired for the cancellation of humankind.

Religious zealots have been nattering on about the end of the world for so long it gives us a migraine. Someone at the informative website: http://www.bible.ca/pre-date-setters, has taken the time to list ALL the end-of-time dates that have been promised since that most famous of crucifixion/resurrections. Alas, the expected golden chariot ride to the Pearly Gates has never once made a pit stop to whisk away the good (e.g., the sanctimonious). Nor, after any of the prognostications, did the earth open up to suck sinners down to our eternal holiday in the molten lake of fire.

TRUTH OR DARE

The Decider. So when's the big day, Georgie boy?

Check out the Bible.ca website for their complete list of dates from the year 44 to September 14, 2047, for the Second Coming, Armageddon, and Rapture news. Here are a few of the more curious predictions they’ve listed:

August, 989: Halley’s Comet appeared and was taken as a sign by the great unwashed that the Earth was about to be destroyed. (It happens every time.)

1000: Worldwide hysteria ensues with the prediction of Jesus’ return after a thousand years.

1033: Slight change in computations. This year was sighted as the real beginning of the millennium because it marked 1000 years since Christ’s crucifixion.

1186: The Toledo Letter warned everyone in Europe to cower in caves and mountains. The world would be destroyed and only a few spared. Hide and seek was invented.

1666: This was the year that indeed things came to a rather inconvenient end for 100,000 Londoners who caught bubonic plague. To add insult to the rats, the Great Fire of London pretty damn near destroyed the city. It didn’t help the collective consciousness that the year had the Beast’s number 666.

1910: Haley’s comet returned (again). Another indication of the coming of the Lord.

Don't make Jesus, or John Boehner, angry!

1914, 1918, 1920, 1925, 1941, 1975, 1994: These are ALL the years that the Watchtower Society of the Jehovah’s Witnesses predicted Armageddon would occur. We can sort of understand getting the end times dates wrong once or twice or even three times. Who hasn’t’? But SEVEN? To that we can only say,Jesus Henry Christ!

1977: The killer bees scare was supposed to be linked to an end of world prophesy in the Book of Revelations. The bees are still swarming around Texas. Sticking close to Crawford.

1982: A number of planets were in direct alignment with each other and were thus expected to create magnetic forces that would bring on Armageddon or rip Earth apart.

1987: The Harmonic Convergence planned for August 16-17 was supposed to usher in the return of Christ. We got stoned that weekend.

1994: That non compos mentis Harold Camping wrote a book titled “Are You Ready?” and predicted the end of time for September of that year. But, just in case, he offered 2011 as a backup date.

2000: Divide 2000 by 3 and you get the devil’s private text messaging number: 666.6666666666666.7.

2011: May 21 … Most of us are still breathing …

Mr. Camping. If you’re reading this, WE’RE STILL FUCKING WAIT-ING!!!!

OUR GUESTS IN THIS EDITION OF BRUISES THE GIN

In the spirit of “God’s will be done …” and the earth going to hell in handbasket, we’ve asked a few celebs and/or pop culture know-it-all’s to tell us what material things they wouldn’t want to be without if Jesus or Muhammad or Voldemort overlooked their names on the End Times Rapture Roster, and they were accidentally left behind with the ubiquitous cockroaches.

The very cool Jackie Joseph

JACKIE JOSEPH is more than a film, television and B’way star, she is a humanitarian, writer, activist, and champion for animals. Especially doggies. Among her most notable feature film credits is the original The Little Shop of Horrors in which she stared for Roger Corman as Audrey. She appeared with James Stewart in The Cheyenne Social Club, and played Sheila Futterman in both Gremlins films. On television, Joseph was a series regular on The Doris Day Show and provided the voice of Melody in the classic animated television series Josie and the Pussycats and Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space. She has a ton o’ other creds, so Google Jackie Joseph to learn more.

Jackie says, “Ten things I cannot live without? I’m so adaptable. But in no particular order”:

1. I must say my husband David, if I don’t mention him he might kill me.
2. My dog Skye. A forgiving machine is invaluable.
3. My computer, it’s hard to admit, but the tech age has been such a pleasure for me and life is easier. Contact!
4. OK, the iPhone. So handy for whiling away the time and also finding lost husband.
5. Car, my nine-year-old Prius, I still feel as proud to have it as I was when there were few on the road.
6. Of course, my friends. Being of an age, they are scattered all over the place and it’s very dear to find them.
7. My garden. Very blessed with tomatoes this season. The garden calms me and is a gift to the neighborhood.
8. Memorabilia. I’m spending the rest of my life filing myself. And it’s so good for boosting the memory!
9. A quietplace. Peace and calm … to get my thoughts in focus and order.
10. My kids. They were assigned to me by the powers that be. Although they are adults, I still have that mommy feeling.

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*Receive an AUTOGRAPHED copy. See details below for this MUST READ!

Bestselling mystery writer LAURA LEVINE says she “Grew up in Brooklyn, New York, back when mastodons (and Edsels) still roamed the earth.” (Ed. note: Great example of her laugh-out-loud humor!) Her critically acclaimed Jaine Austen mysteries includes this month’s publication of PAMPERED TO DEATH*, as well the favorites: Death of a Trophy Wife, Killer Cruise, Killing Bridezilla, Death by Pantyhose, The PMS Murder, Shoes to Die For, Killer Blonde, Last Writes, and This Pen For Hire. Publishers Weekly raved, “Levine’s slick wit and sure pacing makes another hit in this entertaining series.” (Ed. note: Side effects of reading Levine’s hilarious books include shortness of breath and lack of bladder control.) When Levine worked in television she wrote for The Bob Newhart Show, Three’s Company, Laverne & Shirley, The Love Boat, The Jeffersons and Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.

Levine would miss a world without …

1. My Kindle. (Loaded with books by Agatha Christie, P.G. Wodehouse, Joe Keenan. And Richard Tyler Jordan, of course.)
2. My glasses. (See My Kindle above.)
3. My Malibu beach house. (Okay, so I don’t really have a Malibu beach house, but there’ll be plenty available if I’m the only one left on the planet, right?)
4. The New York Times crossword puzzle.
5. My dictionary. (So I can cheat on the New York Times crossword puzzle.)
6. The UCLA swimming pool. (For the first time in thirty-five years, I’ll have a lane to myself!)
7. DVDs of Sunset Boulevard, Rosemary’s Baby, Rear Window, Roman Holiday, and The Bachelor & the Bobbysoxer.
8. Reruns of I Love Lucy, Colombo, and Project Runway.
9. My car. (So I can get from the UCLA pool to my Malibu beach house. For the first time in thirty-five years, I’ll have the 405 freeway all to myself!)
10. My husband. (I couldn’t face life on the planet without him. And besides, I need him to help me find my glasses.)

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KEVIN HOWELL is the marketing manager at Tarcher-Penguin—and since he’s been working in book retail and book publishing since he was 16, he’s now buying lottery tickets in the hope of getting through the second half of his life. He’ll never admit it (he’s way too modest), but he’s also (at least partially) responsible for the commercial success of many fine novels. (Ed. note: The Polly Pepper Mysteries and all of author Ben Tyler’s titles).

The stuff that Kevin wouldn’t want to be on this planet without:

1. My DVR. The best invention ever created and one that brings us one step closer to short-term memory loss. Before cell phones stored our phone numbers, we used to have to remember them. Now, we don’t even have to remember when our favorite TV shows are on, because the DVR remembers for us! With the added bonus of being able to speed through all commercials.

2. Internet porn. Actually, I should amend that to “FREE internet porn” because as soon as a site wants payment, it’s dead to me. There’s too much out there to actually have to pay for it! (Which reminds me, I need to clear my computer’s history…too bad my DVR can’t do that for me!)
3. Facebook. I’ve totally drunk the Kool Aid on this social network that’s as addictive as crack. It’s not only the source for 90% of news for me (although I’m more prone to passing along “Guess who died?” reports more than breaking political news) but it has completely swallowed up all other forms of communication I use to connect with friends and family. (“What do you mean you didn’t know? I posted it on Facebook!”)
4. Ice. Everything I drink has to be ice-cold. I got that Diet Coke monkey off my back more than a year ago and have moved to drinking green tea and water at work and home, but if my ice melts, I stop drinking.
5. Ebay. A glorious site filled with irresistible things that just minutes before you didn’t know you couldn’t live without! Cheaply acquired treasures include a stuffed ALF doll, a signed copy of Jacqueline Susann’s The Love Machine and a movie poster of Thelma Ritter’s The Mating Season.
6. Netflix Streaming. Did you know you can now watch all seven seasons of Cagney & Lacey through Netflix’s Instant View (even though only one season was ever released on DVD) or 160 episodes of Dark Shadows? Heaven!
7. My iPod. Now you can walk around with your own theme song, just like a character in a movie! (Mine is “Battle Without Honor or Humanity” from the Kill Bill soundtrack.) I have 3,395 essential songs on mine (355 are Dusty Springfield).
8. A book in my backpack. I don’t plan vacations, I plan what books I’m going to read when on vacation. (And if I’m ever between books, it’s an excuse to re-read one of my two favorite comic novels–both written in diary form: Fannie Flagg’s Daisy Fay and the Miracle Man or Al Franken’s I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough and Doggone It, People Like Me: Daily Affirmations by Stuart Smalley.)
9. Pizza. Nature’s most perfect food
10. Fran Drescher’s TV series The Nanny. How did I completely miss this hilarious series during its six season run from 1993 to 1999? Now I can’t get enough of it. Sony’s DVD release schedule stalled several years ago after season three, so I’ve been FORCED to buy inexpensive bootlegged DVDs from an addictive web site that would have been #11 on my list.

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ANDREW W.M. BEIERLE

From Publishers Weekly: "Beierle weaves a fascinating story ..."

is the Lambda Literary Award-winning author of The Winter of Our Discothèque (which was a September 2007 Main Selection of the Insight Out Book Club), and the Lambda Award short-listed masterpiece First Person Plural. Beierle is a graduate of the School of Communications at Pennsylvania State University. He was an editor at Brown and Emory universities and has studied at the Bread Loaf, Sewanee, Napa Valley, Kenyon Review and Tinker Mountain writers’ workshops. As if all that were not enough, he’s also an amazing photographer, has a big green thumb for gardening and designs amazing web sites.

We think that the Rapture would suit Andrew, however he does have a last man standing list:

My sister, Maggie. We have stuck together through thick and thin all our lives. Why let the Rapture change that?

My dog, Bandit. Just don’t let him know he was second on the list.

My house in the San Bernardino National Forest. No, make that my home in the San Bernardino National Forest. That includes my panoramic view of the mountains and the valley a mile below (and that’s about as close as I want to get to the flatlanders). And my gardens.

My landlord. He’s more than that—much, much more. My dearest friend. My hero. Suffice it to say that my life changed the day we met, although I couldn’t know it at the time. (Ed. note: Landlord feels the same way about tenant.)

My solitude. Presumably the most annoying people on earth will be swept up in the Rapture. That notwithstanding, I probably won’t want to have anything to do with those who are left behind, since they largely will be of questionable character.

My sense of humor. Obviously the Rapture is going to cause some inconveniences that will be better borne with a laugh.

My books—and enough advance warning that I can download oodles and oodles more to my Kindle before the Rapture takes place, just in case everyone who works at Amazon ascends into heaven. But no more than 28 days advance warning. That’s one billing cycle.

Electricity. (See #7.)

A lifetime supply of Oil of Olay Regenerist products. Moisturizing will be as important post-Rapture as ante-Rapture, perhaps even more so.

Ed. Comment: Karen Carpenter may be swilling syrup of ipecac in a celestial recording studio, and playing a harp instead of a drum kit, but she’s on my list of the voices I wouldn’t want to be on this planet without. At least for a few days following the ever after. “Rainy Days and Mondays,” indeed!

Here at BRUISES THE GIN, it appears that we think about death and dying a lot: murder, suicide, uric poisoning. It’s mother’s milk to a mystery writer. The truth is, we have just as much fun with politics, psychosexual fixations, religion (see above), and trashing a Kardashian. That’s how we get our jollies.

*Tell us how you get your giggles. What, save for John Boehner’s sissy tears, gets your blood pumped? We’ll post the more lascivious and/or hillarious and select a WINNER to receive an AUTOGRAPHED copy of Laura Levine’s PAMPERED TO DEATH. Don’t be shy. We’re not! Spill it, baby!

Now, Breathe deeply and slowly. Have that third martini. And watch The Middle on Wednesday nights at 8:00 on ABC. When Armageddon finally occurs, let’s all sing along with Peggy Lee:
“Is that all there is … to a fire?”

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Comments

I am so grateful to know that I can get Episode 160 of “Dark Shadows” via Netflix streaming. And if Karen Carpenter’s voice cannot be heard there, there is no Heaven. O, the things you can learn on this wonderful, wonderful blog! Please keep on keepin’ on!

Love it! Recently a new acquaintance commented that all the predictions of armageddon were simply based on a mis-reading of the Bible. I now have a picture in my mind of someone pouring over the pages ….”I found it! ARMAGED.. ……..oh…wait..no. …..Armadillo. Sorry. My bad.”

We want to know what Beverly Archer is up to these days! Maybe BRUISES THE GIN can do a short interview with the hilarious actress and writer who’s the best parts of Madeline Kahn, Thelma Ritter, Eve Arden and Jennifer Lewis.

Richard, what’s a mother to do?
If I ever feel low, I just need to feel the reflection in your eyes. Would that it be so.
You are the ‘good’ in good friend. Thanks for being such a champion.
Love always, Jackie

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