Man's Gay Side Emerges

ASK DR. RUTH RUTH WESTHEIMER

February 7, 1999|ASK DR. RUTH RUTH WESTHEIMER

Dear Dr. Ruth: I am a married man and have always been faithful to my wife. However, I'm bisexual, leaning very heavily to the gay side. Lately I've been searching the Internet for gay/bi sites and have made several friends online. I have also discovered that there are many other married bi men looking for male companionship.

Unfortunately for me, the guilt of having such an affair seems to be more than I think I can handle. It doesn't seem to faze most of the guys I correspond with, though. I am beginning to get more and more offers to meet guys and find myself very frustrated and becoming very depressed. My wife is ill and is not interested in sex anymore, so the frustration continues to build. I'm relatively young (42) and still have a healthy sexual appetite. Do you have any suggestions? Is it ever OK to have an extramarital affair?

Dear Reader: I wish there was an easy solution, but I'm afraid there isn't. If you really are gay, the probability is that your marriage is doomed. Your wife's illness complicates matters because I'm sure that leaving her at this moment in time would not help her to get better.

Assuming your wife will recover, I would then take her to see a marriage counselor and use that person's assistance to help your wife receive the message that you prefer having sex with men. It's going to be painful for her, but to have both of you living a lie isn't the answer. You haven't mentioned children, so my answer is based on there not being any. If you do have children, especially with a sick wife, then you'll have an even tougher time deciding whether to continue keeping your marriage together. A counselor might then be of help to you even if you go alone.

Dear Dr. Ruth: I have been involved in a relationship for three years. Sex is always interesting, but I was wondering, is there a way to make my man talk with me about our sexual encounters?

Dear Reader: The first rule about such conversations is not to engage in them either before, during or right after sex. It's better to talk about sex when the atmosphere is not so overcharged. I think the perfect time would be while going for a walk or a drive in the country.

One good way to bring up such issues is to buy a book on the subject. If there's a particular issue you want to discuss, read what the book has to say, then give it to your partner and say, "Read this paragraph and later on tell me what you think."

Ask Dr. Ruth appears every Sunday. Write to Ruth Westheimer, King Features Syndicate, 235 E. 45th St., New York, NY 10017 or leave a message at her Web site, www.drruth.com.