Thursday, December 01, 2005

“When are you going to grow up?”

That’s what my wife said to me when I told her I’d dropped trou inside the Double Door at a Bob Schneider concert. I have to admit, I didn’t know how to respond. It’s what I do. Drunk. Sober. Somehwere in between. It doesn’t matter. I'm just that kind of guy. I mean, she had to have known this was the guy she was marrying years ago.

I used to take off my pants as soon as I got home from work. Marriage is all about give and take. I gave up dropping my pants at home and took it on the road. Kind of like a bizarre amalgam of performance art and carnie show.

The way I see it, the only way for me to allay her fears is to help the world see what kind of experience this can be. So, I need your help in spreading the word. Taking off your pants is A-OK. It’s cool. It’s liberating. Basically, it’s just one more way to be awesome.

In order to spread the gospel, I’m including a little how-to guide for all my publicly pants-less prophets. You know you want to be one. Here goes:

1. Get over your fears. Taking off your pants can be intimidating at first. It’s all about taking the first step, or undoing the first button, as the case may be. Ask yourself over and over, “What’s the worst that could happen?” You’ll realize soon enough that you don’t really want to answer that question. Proceed with pants-dropping anyway.

2. Wear underwear. I know, this may seem basic, but some days go by when I forget to wear underpants. Those are not good days to take off your pants in public. All it takes is one time when you’re not willing to take off your pants and your reputation is sullied forever. Your underpants don’t need to match your outfit. But if you’re more comfortable with a nice, colorful, coordinated ensemble, go ahead with it.

3. Boxers or briefs? I prefer the hybrid boxer brief. First of all, you get the support of the brief, with the modesty of a boxer. With briefs, you always run the risk of freaking out the ladies with an unnecessary grossness quotient. With boxers, you sometimes have issues with a fly that won’t stay shut. Remember, the only difference between a fine and a misdemeanor is a little flashing of the wiener. If I’m thinking ahead of time, I have a couple pairs of boxer briefs that don’t have a fly at all. Those are the ones I go with.

4. Avoid belts if you can. Pants that don’t need to be unbuttoned are even better. You want to be able to pull them up quickly if need be. The more gear you have to work with, the less likely you are to get back to a completely dressed stage.

5. Identify exits. Know the quickest route out of the bar. If someone sees you and takes issue with your procedure, you need to be able to get away before you can be escorted out.

6. There’s safety in numbers. The more people you have around you, the less likely you are to be spotted by bar security. Get your friends with you for support and screening. Photographs are ok, but be warned that they draw attention. If that’s what you’re looking for, go for it.

7. Act like taking off your pants is the most normal thing to do. I can’t stress this enough. People can sense fear and apprehension. It emits a foul odor, much like a combination of moldy cheese and my friend Terry’s farts. Once your pants are off, own the place. Maintain the illusion that you have not dropped your pants. It’s a pretty neat Jedi mind trick, if you can pull it off. If you can’t pull it off, pull off your pants anyway.

8. Keep your back to something substantial. I can’t recommend this enough. Depending on how drunk everyone is around you, you always run the risk of one of your friends becoming a complete and utter douche bag. He (or she, but most likely, he) will think it’s incredibly funny to pull down your underpants. It’s not about being unwilling to show your wanker, it’s about protecting your ass. Suddenly, this goes from a goofy thing you do, to a reason for someone to call the cops. If I take my pants off and can sit down on a barstool or something, I will. Know which of your friends are assholes and keep them in front of you.

9. Know when enough is enough. Just because you take your pants off doesn’t mean they have to stay off for the evening. Set a limit in your head for how long your pants will remain off and stick to it.

10. Have fun with it. ‘Nuff said.

That’s pretty much all I have to say about that for right now. I’m sure I’ll think of more as the days pass.

Here’s a list of all the bars where I’ve taken my pants off. Note, this does not include people’s parties where I have taken my pants off. After all, the saying goes: “It’s not a party until the Donkey takes his pants off.” My friend Ed can attest to this. He’s always quick to inform me of whether or not I am at a party when I am over at his house. Nor does this list include wedding receptions where I have taken my pants off. Those are too special to ever chronicle here. One of my prouder moments was getting a group of about a dozen guys to take our pants off in a mirrored elevator at the hotel where the reception was being held. THAT was an awesome way to put those disposable cameras at our table to use.