The Crying Bear Report

The bear is crying. Why is the bear crying? As a degree holder in Bearology, I intend to lay out a few theories I have in my report.

Theory 1: The sad bear

The most common reason for tears is grief. I therefore measured the Emotional Strongness of the crying bear in question. This bear’s E.S. is an astounding 20. To give an idea of the enormity of this number, the average E.S. of a laboratory mouse is .3, the average E.S. of a human male is 0.1, the average E.S. of a human female is 0.75, and the average E.S. of a vehicular tank is 1. The range of the E.S. is 0 through 1 inclusive. Therefore, something earth-shattering must have caused the bear intense emotional stress. This can be anything from the bear’s natural habitat dying out (bears can survive anywhere), the sun exploding (surveys show bears enjoy the warmth of sunlight), the Big Bang happens again (a recent poll claims that bears do not believe in the Big Bang theory), or the cancellation of the bear’s favorite tv show (bears love tv). Of all the previous options, the first three can be ruled out because scientists can confidently say none of them are happening.

However, there is no evidence that supports the crying bear in question watches tv.

Theory 2: The happy bear

A person may cry tears of joy. However, a bear is not a person. A recent study claims that bears, in fact, can cry tears of joy. To confirm I set up an experiment to determine the contents of bear tears. I had twenty bears, ten are in the control group. I told the control bears to make the other bears cry. This proved difficult because I cannot speak bear. Luckily, the control group somehow realized they were in control, and bullied the other bears into commission. Curious indeed. I took note of this phenomenon for later reference.

I examined the bear tears under a microscope. To my surprise I found that bear tears were composed of 10% water, 5% sodium ions, 1% sadness, 1% amazing-ness, 60% power, and 20% bear and 3% other. Needless to say, I was shocked. There were not even a trace of happiness in bear tears. I performed an analysis on the 3% other. The results show nothing conclusive, besides the fact that “other” is indeed not “happy.” Therefore, the happy bear theory is invalid.

Theory 3: The amazed bear

A bear may cry should they witness something amazing, spectacular, beautiful, grandeur, etc. I first had to find out what would amaze a bear. This proved difficult. Nothing could amaze my control group of bears, which had chased away the non-control group. I even showed them my pet rock collection, a sight that would send a man to the celestial skies, but had no effect on the bears. I was just about to give up when my radio suddenly played a strange song. The bears heard the music and began to cry. The music stopped suddenly, and I was unable to record any of the strange sound. I can confirm that the music did inspire amazement in the bears, but I have no leads as to what the music was.

Theory 4: The all-our-hard-work-is-finally-coming-to-fruition bear

Anyone, no matter the species, cries when they finally reach their goal, as long as the goal was large enough to warrant tears. There is a theory that states the world’s entire population of bears are synced up to a single command source. Many that believe this theory also believe that the Earth’s moon is this single command source. The most popular version of this conspiracy theory states that the moon is, in fact, a space base for bears. The spaces bears are reading information through human media. This can be anything such as an uploading of a certain picture on the internet, the cancellation of a certain show on tv, or the playing of a certain song on the radio. These coded media are constructed by spy bears living on Earth. No evidence supports the existence of spy bears, and is the largest reason for this theory’s controversy. There is reason to believe that the rest of this story is entirely possible. In fact, some evidence seem to hint that bears are planning an invasion on the entire planet Earth.

Of all four theories outlined here, theory four seems to be the most plausible, followed by three and one.