How do you face your problem when the problem is your face?

We face yet another year, it’s 2017. Some faces remain nonchalantly blissful, others will glimmer with time and even more will tremendously use up all the makeup that factories industriously make. For some, the year is a blander that blends well with drought, world hunger and unremitting political faux pas. Worse is if you bump into a mirror in your own house and immediately you steal a glance, you realize your face is the reason children exhibit uncontrollable panic and cry a river even after you force a smile. You take back your smile and the toddler sinks into frantic hysteria. Wailing follows, you feel like the little champ is being childish now. You wish you had big enough boobs to get that young one’s attention off your damn face. It’s a depressing moment, like when you dip a cookie into milk for too long then it breaks off and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.

People care about their faces and if you have a problem with that, then you qualify to be their 99th problem. That in mind, you can get used to the fact that makeup is here to stay, save for the fact that it will one day move in with you. You will one day wake up to your lady without make up and you will feel violated. You will throw away your spirited morning glory under the bed and dedicate that time to scrutinize the new face gracing your bedroom. You’ll peruse her face carefully like you are reading a manual for a hippopotamus you bought while drunk. Then it finally hits you that your ancestors were succinct enough when they told you that nobody cares until you are pretty, rich or on the brink of death. Another look at her without make up sends a nervous breakdown down your spine. What were you thinking. What had you been drinking. You look at her unperturbed, sleepy, makeup-free face. You are distraught. You take the last look at her, this time the view is like a sneeze sneaking up on you, putting up a stupid look on your face, then it walks away without happening. At this point you understand why God promised men that good obedient and natural wives would be found in all corners of the world, then our very God of Zachariah made the world round!

Let whoever is showing lethargy towards makeup be warned. Why in your right mind would you question a lady who is peacefully applying generous layers of makeup, yet you know very well she is just going for swimming. You don’t want her looking like a tropical lizard while busking in the sun do you? If anything, makeup in a swimming pool is just a storm in teacup. Tell you what, people cannot be ugly in real life then you expect them to be ugly in pictures too. Wear that selfless demeanor and let them flourish online.

Nowadays giving a girl a romantic kiss on the forehead earns you a significant amount of unsolicited lipstick courtesy of the strong foundation which robustly makes their head thick. Adding a hug to show affection is more catastrophic than inadvertently touching wet paint. Seconds into hugging and getting acquainted and you are left looking like the son of a clown lost in a zoo with face-paint and traces of dry yoghurt on the lips that the tongue could not lick off the muzzle. The other day, my friend Dan invites me and a few friends to his digs. Apparently the ninja’s better half had the audacity to travel to the coast of Kenya to swim with the sharks leaving Dan in Nairobi with an acute water shortage and sickening dryspell. Poor Dan. We get to Dan’s place and find him drinking a cup full of Nostalgia and from the face he is wearing he looks like he has been sending raunchy messages to his girlfriend. Knowing the paranoia that hits Dan’s “wife” I imagine the conversation is something like,

Dan; Honey, I miss you terribly already and I was thinking, would you want a dog for Valentines?

Dan’s wifey; Awwww that’s so sweet, but you don’t need to get me a dog, I already have you.

Dan can smell a pun and a fat rat from that conversation. Did she just call Dan a dog? Or would she rather have Dan than have a dog. No, she can’t possibly have found out that am back to smashing my Ex. Dan is confused. I can read the perplexity that seeks solace on his face.

PAUSE.

We are in the accompaniment of a few ladies who think Dan’s height is enough to give him a few more inches in the right places. Dan is clueless that his height is a tourist attraction and that many damsels don’t mind signing a mind blowing performance contract with him. Dan is benevolent enough to serve us with superfluous cocktails as we drive away his sorry state of desolation with a decent dose of some overly euphoric banter.

Dan grabs his phone once more, he is texting as if in a deliberate attempt to appease the gods who are now angry at him,

The conversation could be texting something like,

Dan; Hold up Babe your sense of sarcasm is higher than food prices in Kenya as we speak,

Who hurt you for you to call me a dog? Am I suddenly unbearably ugly to you?

Dan’s wifey; The last time I left for coast and left you behind I came back only to find another panty that I knew nothing about, yet I always pack all my undies when I travel. It was a leopard spotted one. I must have forgotten to ask, Was she an animal in bed?

Dan; Come on love, I thought we talked about this and put it behind us. You really sound like you are in a foul mood, Is it that time of the month? Is it the period?

Dans wifey; Am sure your mother was waiting for her period but she got you instead!

SCREAMER!

Arguing with a woman is like reading the software license agreement, in the end you have to ignore all the mumbo jumbo and click “I agree”.

Dan throws in the towel then throws his phone away with a sense of defeat. He is sure that this time round, his better half will not find any compromising evidence scampering for safety in his dungeon. What’s more he didn’t even do shit. He remained loyal all the entire time, only inviting DoubleO and his amicus for a little spoiling of the liver, coffee spree and everything nice. No hanky panky and zero debauchery.

Dan’s wife comes back from her vacation and she finds girly fingerprints on the glasses she bought. As if that is not enough comic relief to bust Dan’s ass, more evidence of lady-bits are found watermarked on the glasses. There amount lipstick left on the glasses is enough to paint the US southern wall that Donald Trump is planning to build. And because of that lipstick that my lady friends were rocking, Viola, Dan’s relationship is once more on the rocks. Dan probably hates lipstick by now, he knows he is probably in deep shit or he aint shit to her anymore. Dan cannot face his problem anymore, because let’s face it, that girl who graced his digs in a full glare of makeup, is his problem. What Dan is going through is so devastating. That’s why I’m so afraid of commitment that when choosing a default app to open a file, I always pick ‘just once’ instead of ‘always’. Just in case your face is not the problem, please face your problem, don’t Facebook them.

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At this point you understand why God promised men that good obedient and natural wives would be found in all corners of the world, then our very God of Zachariah made the world round! ……
This cracked me up, how dare you! God, you!!! I wonder what else is subtly nonexistent 😃

But God has got such a profound sense of humor… I mean look around. How does someone just sit and say they are bored.
You passing by is always graceful. I hope you find Grace for a wife in one corner of this world.

It might be a coincidence that the Dan you know is the Poor Dan in my story…. I really hope he reads this so that he show his face.
Disclaimer… Names used are fictional and dont actually belong to any of my close friends.