Freethinking News, August 28, 2011

In our top story, the Arab spring has reached a new level of success for freedom and democracy in the Middle East when the regions most violent and oppressive dictator, Allah, was captured in a bloodless coup. The disposed deity was tried at The Hague for crimes against humanity. During his trial he was heard shouting incomprehensible ramblings about camels and needles which made Ghadafi sound saner than an emu on acid.

The charges against him were multiple accounts of genocide, incitement of civil unrest, murder, slavery, being an accomplice to rape and child molestation, the theft of 10% of every believer’s paycheck, and one account of buggery with a horse which was latter dropped.

Allah was tried by a jury of his peers: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Wonder Woman, and several other figments of our cultural imagination. He was found guilty of all charges as well as in contempt of court which gave him a life sentence in the jail of disbelief sharing a cell with Poseidon, Pan, and the Malaysian witch that smothers men to death between her massive tits. Oh, why can’t that last one be real!?

In Allah’s absence, children are now being taught reason in schools, genitals are no longer being mutilated, and nations are having to bridge their cultural divides with common values aimed at the betterment of humanity instead of hocus-pocus and woo-woo.

Wait.

Standby.

I’m getting a message in my imaginary earpiece from my producer. And when I say “producer” it’s really just me, isn’t it? I just received word from my imaginary producer that none of that was true. Allah, though still very much not real, remains a real problem in the Middle East and the rest of the world.

Sorry, folks.

In sports news, however, one athlete somewhere won Jesus’ lottery and had his prayers of winning a major game answered. Meanwhile, Jesus fucked every other athlete up the ass. They should have prayed harder.

In education, schools in the American state of South Dakota are cutting one day from the school week to save money. Limited education has been shown to be a chief cause of stupidity in the world and stupidity has direct links to gang violence, drug abuse, irrational world views such as talking to invisible sky deities and teabagism, and has also been linked to joblessness, homelessness, and the procreation of even more stupid kids who are taught stupid shit by their stupid fucking parents.

Good people of South Dakota: if you have any possibility of mobility, get your kids out of there before they become dumb fucks!

Speaking of dumb fucks, if you live in Texas, don’t forget to vote for Parry, spelled with an “A”, write it in the ballot as P-A-R-R-Y.

And in more light-hearted news: a man had part of his penis cut off. Haha. Seriously, it’s okay to laugh because the man had asked his Hippocraticly-dubious doctor to needlessly remove the sensitive tip thus decreasing his own pleasure, increasing the risk of infection, and signifying to everyone he fucks that he for some reason shares the world views of illiterate desert dwellers dead for thousands of years who knew neither scientific rationality nor had the ability to clean their own dicks properly.

When the doctor discovered the man had a cancerous tumor and removed it without the man’s consent, the man sued him since he’d had the wrong part of his dick cut off. Foreskin, gotta go; tumors, that’s God’s will. Luckily for the doctor, the court decided the man was an idiot and should be thankful the doctor removed his dick tumor.

In related news: did anyone else not know that there was such a thing as dick tumors? This reporter recommends that you give yourself a daily self-exam feeling for tumors for about two to fifteen minutes at at a time. You might even want to inspect yourself twice, maybe three times a day, and even better: have a friend do it.

But seriously, in my final thought of the night, male genital mutilation is still very much alive in the United States and the world. Nearly every boy born in America has his bits and pieces needlessly sawed off. Obviously the process also occurs in girls and is much worse, but that is the topic of a future news program. For both genders it is a traumatizing experience that does not have a single positive benefit aside from a slightly reduced chance of HIV infection in circumcised men, but this is normalized with condom usage.

When we call it “circumcision” we make it sound benign and civilized when really it is anything but. This wordplay distracts us from what it really is: an unneeded and harmful medical procedure often performed by unqualified assholes, usually involuntarily, and cannot be reversed. It is a barbaric bronze-age custom that civilized people should have put an end to in the fucking bronze-age.

Mutilating your child’s genitals should be considered child abuse and declared illegal by governments and the medical community. It should be reserved solely for consenting adults. But, of course, any adult man who would voluntarily have part of his penis chopped off is so stupid the he was probably only educated four days a week in South Dakota.

That concludes the news for this Sunday night. Thanks for watching, and viva la revolution.