Growing a soul with Christ…..becoming who we are created to be

words

Words. Just Words. Scribbles upon a page, yet they bring freedom, they bring life. Sweet Life. How can something that so many take for-granted be the one thing that brings me life? When I write, when I have sweet melodies playing in the background, I feel like me. The real me. The me He created me to be. It’s my salvation here on earth. My Christ is brought more to life inside of me when I write. With those words, some may judge. But it is different for each of us–being alive. Truly alive in Christ. Being who He has created us to be. I refuse to live my life in a stupor anymore. Denying the gift He has given me, the things He uses to teach me and grow me. I want to live in His way, not the way of the world. Not the way I am supposed to, but in His freedom, His way.

Words, words, words. To you they may simply be letters tied together on a page. Holding very little significance, only being a must in your rushing of every day life; I have to sign this, read this, jot this down.

But to me they are so much more. They are a melody ever ringing in my ears. A soundtrack to my life. My past, my present, and my future all strung together. Playing like a symphony. I feel the beat of each word in my heart. I hear the strum of the truth deep in my soul from the whispering of the words. With each Key stroke of a word that is played I feel the pain of the past, the joy of the present, the anticipation of the future.

I feel alive when I write. I feel whole. My body relaxes, pain goes away, and the words, they simply flow. They come out like therapy for my broken heart. A healing balm for the wounded soul.

Words may be an insignificant part of your day but they are life to me.

I have spent too many days neglecting the life they bring to me. Too many days trying to do more and be the right person.Too many years running, running from the words which complete me. Even as I sit here now with a hot cup of Irish tea, my thinking music playing and feeling the joy of the Lord enter my heart with each word; even now, I feel I should be reading, I should be in bed, I should be folding laundry. Anything but allowing the words to create a melody.

And why? Why do I deny my passion? Why do I think I need to fit into a cookie cutter mold? Why is writing the first thing I push away? Why do I fear what writing could mean?

How I can I deny the gift of my soul in the form of words upon a page? I fear if I continue to do so, I will be no more. A shell of me, a shell of who I have been created to be.

You see, words may be an insignificant part of your day but they are my own special melody; a melody that only plays as each word I write touches the page.

Words urge to break free. All morning I have wanted to words upon a page and yet have been too busy. But should I be too busy to take a few moments to free myself upon a page?–To connect with myself, the real me, my God, My Savior, My heart and my soul?

I think I should instead write and write and write. Especially when so much in my world is a mess. When my husband’s ex keeps on sabotaging our relationship with his son….lying, hurting our character, getting us in possible trouble…me with a jury trial in a few short weeks. It breaks my heart and makes me angry. Why? Why does someone have to be so vindictive and mean? I am praying daily for guidance and direction, for the truth to win out. I am so blessed to know my God and to know He is there through it all. he is guiding me, supporting me and allowing it for a reason. I pray for the charges to be at rest, with a jury who will see the truth. I pray that the truth wins out. I pray she will be told to stop hurting her son in the way she is.

I breathe in peace and out all the anger, hurt, and resentment. I breathe in joy. I breathe in love. My God, My Christ, My Friend. With him I stand, waiting for the next step. Waiting for His word and guidance. Waiting…patiently.

He will allows be with me, love me and never forsake me.

I can do this, I am strong in Christ and can rise above the waves crashing all around me.

I am sitting here thinking what do I write? Where do I begin? And I hear, “Write what you know.” Hmmm. What do I know? I know children, I know families, I know creativeness, kindness, and giving. I know love, being a wife, the dream of being a mother. I know failure, regret, and hardship. I know excitement and joy. I know God. I know pain, heartache, and heartbreak. I know what it is to have a wonderful husband. Sadly I know what it is to have a lousy one as well, ah and yes there again comes the regret. LOL, how else can write that I literally just laughed out loud. Ah and I know words and they joy and lightheartedness they bring. The truth they display as they pour out of me onto a page. As I write this I feel as if I am creating a masterpiece. I feel as if the words are so grand and full of life. Words that will touch another’s heart and soul. To bring them joy, truth, and even an escape from reality for a brief time. Words that burn into someone’s mind, helping them become alive, to take that big step and live their life. I know words have done this for me. Words in books, poems and definitely words in a song. Listening to a speech on the golden globes or the words in a movie. Listening to an evangelist tell his heartbreaking story that ended with the love of a savior. Words of truth, life and love that touched me so deeply that at the tender age of eight, I gave my own heart to the Lord.

Yes words, they are gift from God. I mean look, he spoke us into being. He gave us a savior who spoke in creative stories to teach us. And he gave us the Bible. It is safe to say God is a lover of words. He is the author and finisher of our lives and faith. He was the first writer at heart. And I have always felt I am a woman after God’s own heart, just like David was a man after God’s own heart. Maybe that is why words burn so deeply in me. Why I feel at home and complete and utterly alive when I write. Maybe that is why God used them to save my life, not only in His Word or the words he gave the evangelist, but also when I was teen with a not so easy life. Yes, when I was that teen struggling with deep emotions and problems bigger than others my age, He gave me songs and a simple black and white composition that changed my life. It stopped me from trying drugs or cutting my wrists. It was my gift from Him to grow me, teach me and show me His love in a deep and magnificent way.

As I write this and my heart swells up like a big hot air balloon. I know that this is my gift to the world. It is a purpose, a calling he has placed on my life. To write and write and write some more. To let my words be a light to those lost and hurting just as I was at one time. To say to them, you are loved.

Every time I get back on here and read my past posts and others posts, I feel alive again, whole and complete. Words are such a beautiful gift form God and I don’t take enough time any more to write them, to live them daily. I am really excited because we now have an extra bedroom in our home that is currently being converted into my creative room. A place for me to write, do crafts and work on my Masters homework. I am so excited about it and so grateful for the support of my finance soon to be husband (23 days!) in this. He is excited I get to have this room and is so supportive of my dreams of writing. So I am so ready to make writing a daily thing again. Something I do every evening before I travel to bed to read a bit of a good book (currently on book 4 of the Harry Potter series). I change when I do not write everyday, I lose piece of me that is central to who I am. I become unlikeable, almost unlovable, angry, mean, and hurtful. I can not wait for the time to put words upon a page, to have my deep thinking music playing and to connect with God. To become once again.

The words abound. Pulling free from the depths of me. They are my life, my breath, my soul. They are me, finally set free. I hear the notes float upon the air, my air beats and then it is like the life is given to the words. They begin to float and be. I can then set them free. A life alive in me. A life of words and truths. I feel alive and free, I feel happy and at peace when the words are free to be in me. This is where I need to be everyday. Putting the words down, allowing them life. How do I make the time? How do I free up time? How do I make time to be me, to be free, to have life in me, pouring form me onto a page? I must see, I must be. I must put the words down for the world to see. I must make the time,a s I am now to write and wrote and wrote some more. To get the truths out of me. To share the words. To help someone be freed. To touch a soul with love.

I love the words that flow freely from me. The words,are in so many ways, a breath to my lungs. When I go away from the words. When I get lost int he business of life, the “have to’s” then I lose my breath. I lose a part of who I am. The core of my being and soul that burns so bright in the words that consume me. It is a God given gift. One I am thankful for, so grateful for the peace and life He brings forth in me.

How do I stay here where I can breathe? How do I remain in this place that brings such life to my soul? I ask HIm to guide me. I have such a heart. Such desires and dreams. Yet I want His will and way not mine. I want to see His dream for me. His use for the words on a page. His use for my big ole heart. His ways for my creative side. I want to live int he Glory of the Lord. Burning bright to touch others with a love that surpasses all understanding and time.