I really dig Kings of Leon. Listening to “Cold Desert” is like burning a candle throughout the house. It gives me a feeling of relief, not that there is much for me to be relieved of. I’m not really sure myself. As Fay and my mom were talking about it, we’ve been in Limbo for an awfully long time. From the sounds of it, our Limbos are both very different places. Mine has been very much like the song “Sleeping Sickness” by City and Colour. Like the sea I am constantly changing from calm to ill. Madness fills me heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole. And like matches we quickly spark and go out. I believe there is a little piece of Alaska Young in all of us, and it just depends how much we act on it. Human beings are so fragile and strange. It’s that strange mixture of apathy, remorse, and those quick but sharp pangs of happiness that sting us. We all smile but it takes those 13.7 seconds for the smile to fade.

Happy 4/20. Not that I celebrate it but my favorite radio station had been celebrating since 6:30AM this morning. But if you do, go smoke some happy grass.

I wish I could say the things I do with dignity, but I cannot. I am simply an unrespected, horribly awkward thirteen year old girl. Thinking back to the stupid things I say I can’t imagine anyone in my right mind who would want to hang out with me. I am sort of in a state of delirium.

I think I have finally reached a point where I should stop waiting. Our friend Fay told us that if we know we’re waiting for something then keep waiting. The thing is I’m not waiting for anything. More so hoping and I shouldn’t waste time and energy doing nothing but wait. So now my waiting period is up. Starting this evening, I’m going to attempt to put most of my energy into my studies. I don’t have much else to do other than complain about I what don’t have, and so I now newly am crossing out that option.

By the end of the semester (Which is in about 7 weeks. Exciting, right?!) My goal is to get my grade point average up and to boast about it to M since she is always doing unto me. I will not settle for a 3.5 out of a 4.0. I do not want to be just mediocre.

I was walking to a little park with my younger sisters and mom earlier this evening when we passed by Ross from my bus. He looks so much like Bryson from My Life As Liz! Although, he is nothing like Bryson, but he had a cute friend tagging alongside him. Otherwise there isn’t much going on in my life.

I am quite sad. I absolutely love Aaron Gillespie to death and since I do, I will support him in anything he chooses to do with his music. Though sadly, he is no longer going to be a part of Underoath. I love Underoath as a whole and so if any of members were to leave it wouldn’t feel complete, and Aaron was a big part of UO for me. UO have a way of capturing you, it’s like a hurricame of sound swallowing you up. And then Aaron comes in with his soothing voice. — That moment when I was backstage at Warped Tour during the song “It’s Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door” when Aaron slamed his drum sticks against the drum for that quick solo before he sings, I’m drowning in my sleep. I’m drowning in my sleep. The crowd became still for those few moments to sing along. That was the best moment of my entire life.

I do know Aaron is still playing music with The Almost. They are great but not greater than UO. No, definitely not greater than Underoath. I have met Aaron twice, at my first and only UO show and then at an Almost show. He is one of the nicest people. He writes and plays completely amazing music, but I will miss him in Underoath. I just don’t think it’s fair that I didn’t get another chance to see Aaron with Underoath, but I suppose it’s like Craig Ownes when he was booted from Chiodos. Though, this seems like a nicer departure that the group talked about. Not just a phone call.

p.s. I like your music. p.s. I’ll see you in my town soon! p.s. Aaron, I love you too. :)

I feel as if I’m twisted inside out. I feel like I should wring out my skin. It’s awful.

Spring break finally came but now spring break has ended. My short escape from reality has ended. I hid away in my room for days reading Fight Club and the late nights watching Donnie Darko and waking up at 10am. Since we recently got Netflix I would go down to the basement to watch Skins, a TV series in the UK, on the computer and ended up finishing the whole first season in two days. I went on walks and enjoyed the warm weather. I felt the wind blow my hair across my face and had arguments with my younger siblings. My spring break sufficed.

Why do the getaways end so quickly when reality drones on? Cram packed with people you don’t care for and don’t want to see, school days with tests and shithead math teachers, and then you have to remember that you are really young and there is hardly anyone your age who likes the same bizzaro stuff as you so you want to avoid your so-called “friends”. You come home and do your homework, practically skip dinner because it’s the same thing every night, and then you go to bed only to wake up the next morning and repeat the same procedure. Yep, story of my life.

I suppose a little break is better than no break at all. I sat in my room and listened to my iPod on shuffle for a little while. The sun peaked through my black window curtain onto my notebooks paper. I watched the black ink of my pen new rollerball pen bleed through the paper. Writing meaningless words, but I liked the way the pen moved so easily across the paper. I suppose I should realize more of the little moments like that, but when that’s all you can think about to get yourself through the next day you start to wonder, what’s the point? I mean the point of any of this? What’s the point of getting an education, the point of getting a job, the point of getting a house, the point having a family, what’s the point of life? Then as you simplify everything you begin to realize there isn’t one. And all of this came from being upset that spring break is over.