I'm a little teapot

I like gaining access to my memories. They may be fucked up beyond belief, but they are mine. For the years between (when the memories were buried) it's like I was doing things without knowing where those actions were coming from, had strong opinions about things yet the opinions seemingly came out of thin air, and then there were my "random" overreactions to some things and the way I immediately protected anyone that might fall even vaguely into the category of covert abuser.

It's so much easier to know where in the hell I'm coming from, even if it's a bad place..at least I can stop now and say "well maybe I'm being triggered by this now because they did A and B to trigger me like that back then". Or I can say..well, this one here is using classic trigger phrases on me to the point where I would have just felt seriously uncomfortable before and yet still put up with it, but now I'm thinking this isn't a healthy person to let in my life (not everyone does that to me but there have been a few over the years..can you imagine not even being able to identify people that could trigger you to do what they wanted instead of what you wanted? Jesus Christ, the least I should be able to identify is my own freaking abusers)..

Quoting: The Light Under the Door

Yeah, that sounds like classic dissociation. In fact, if you apply the BASK model to its logical ends, you could argue that even PTSD is a form of dissociation. Because of the thorough dissociation, it seems most women don't wake up to their sordid past abuse until they hit the menopause-ish age. Something in the hormone fluctuation pokes holes in those amnesia walls, I guess. I'm pretty young to be figuring this shit out for myself, but I'm still amazed at the years I spent completely oblivious to the abuse - from childhood to just a few months ago. Most of my memories are still buried, but bits are coming back. I have DID, and I think some of my inside parts are feeling now is the time to put a stop to it, so they're trying to clue me in on what has really been going on. Maybe that's what's going on with you. Maybe not. But really, I can imagine what it's like to not be able to identify my abusers while it's going on. Family, boyfriends, church people, and possibly others I haven't figured out yet. It kind of freaks you out, doesn't it?

I want to encourage you not to give up in figuring this shit out. Don't forget that these bastard fucks could have placed a few "screen memories" in place (through hypnotic suggestion) to cover up reality. So, when you start to put pieces together, don't be afraid to move those pieces around and reassemble them at a later date. (This is something I'm still working on, too).

You'll get through this. And hopefully, one day, you can bring your abusers to justice. That's my ultimate goal, anyway.

On a side note, somebody suggested the movie Girl with the Dragon Tattoo to me on my MK Ultra thread back in August. It did give me some of that, "fuck yeah, get 'em back!" high, but it also triggered an alter pretty hardcore. Nothing bad happened, it was just weird to switch like that lol So, I guess I recommend it with caution ;)

I like gaining access to my memories. They may be fucked up beyond belief, but they are mine. For the years between (when the memories were buried) it's like I was doing things without knowing where those actions were coming from, had strong opinions about things yet the opinions seemingly came out of thin air, and then there were my "random" overreactions to some things and the way I immediately protected anyone that might fall even vaguely into the category of covert abuser.

It's so much easier to know where in the hell I'm coming from, even if it's a bad place..at least I can stop now and say "well maybe I'm being triggered by this now because they did A and B to trigger me like that back then". Or I can say..well, this one here is using classic trigger phrases on me to the point where I would have just felt seriously uncomfortable before and yet still put up with it, but now I'm thinking this isn't a healthy person to let in my life (not everyone does that to me but there have been a few over the years..can you imagine not even being able to identify people that could trigger you to do what they wanted instead of what you wanted? Jesus Christ, the least I should be able to identify is my own freaking abusers)..

Quoting: The Light Under the Door

Yeah, that sounds like classic dissociation. In fact, if you apply the BASK model to its logical ends, you could argue that even PTSD is a form of dissociation. Because of the thorough dissociation, it seems most women don't wake up to their sordid past abuse until they hit the menopause-ish age. Something in the hormone fluctuation pokes holes in those amnesia walls, I guess. I'm pretty young to be figuring this shit out for myself, but I'm still amazed at the years I spent completely oblivious to the abuse - from childhood to just a few months ago. Most of my memories are still buried, but bits are coming back. I have DID, and I think some of my inside parts are feeling now is the time to put a stop to it, so they're trying to clue me in on what has really been going on. Maybe that's what's going on with you. Maybe not. But really, I can imagine what it's like to not be able to identify my abusers while it's going on. Family, boyfriends, church people, and possibly others I haven't figured out yet. It kind of freaks you out, doesn't it?

I want to encourage you not to give up in figuring this shit out. Don't forget that these bastard fucks could have placed a few "screen memories" in place (through hypnotic suggestion) to cover up reality. So, when you start to put pieces together, don't be afraid to move those pieces around and reassemble them at a later date. (This is something I'm still working on, too).

You'll get through this. And hopefully, one day, you can bring your abusers to justice. That's my ultimate goal, anyway.

On a side note, somebody suggested the movie Girl with the Dragon Tattoo to me on my MK Ultra thread back in August. It did give me some of that, "fuck yeah, get 'em back!" high, but it also triggered an alter pretty hardcore. Nothing bad happened, it was just weird to switch like that lol So, I guess I recommend it with caution ;)

Quoting: Runaway

although I could never confirm at this point whether I've been involved in this as deeply as some on this thread, one thing I do know is I came across the topic many years ago...but for some reason there was an almost 'hypnotic' suggestion to "stay away". I came across Fritz Springmeier's book on monarch programming at that time, but could not read, for whatever reason, more than a few pages. I have since read the whole thing and pushed myself constantly to find out as much as I can, because of my family's multigenerational military background, and my seemingly interesting ability to meet and be friends with people over the years who have had pretty heavy programming...the stories I've heard...

I spent all my adolescence+ within the mental health system, but it never got beyond a 2 week stint at a hospital in my early 20s. After that point my parents and myself pushed me to get away from the mental health establishment. My parents had become scientologists at that point...which is another story but of course related.

I always felt I was put in a program very young, but it was aborted due to me not complying in some way. My life has loads of psychic experiences and uncanny coincidences- such as my close involvement and friendships with people who were very much displaying many of the symptoms divuldged in Springmeier's book. I was asked multiple times as a child if I was developing a photographic memory...I was like 2-4 years of age and being asked this is one of my few verbal memories...my great grandfather had it, and the family on my moms side goes back two presidents I'll leave unnamed here. They asked me if "I had a photographic memory like his." I had times as even a teenager with significant blackouts where I'd been verbally abusive...when a family member told about one in particular it floored me...felt horrible for a few days...but then realized what if I have many more epidsodes like this one?

I wish you the best with figuring out what has happened and dealing with the pain. Much peace,

Yeah, that sounds like classic dissociation. In fact, if you apply the BASK model to its logical ends, you could argue that even PTSD is a form of dissociation. Because of the thorough dissociation, it seems most women don't wake up to their sordid past abuse until they hit the menopause-ish age. Something in the hormone fluctuation pokes holes in those amnesia walls, I guess. I'm pretty young to be figuring this shit out for myself, but I'm still amazed at the years I spent completely oblivious to the abuse - from childhood to just a few months ago. Most of my memories are still buried, but bits are coming back. I have DID, and I think some of my inside parts are feeling now is the time to put a stop to it, so they're trying to clue me in on what has really been going on. Maybe that's what's going on with you. Maybe not. But really, I can imagine what it's like to not be able to identify my abusers while it's going on. Family, boyfriends, church people, and possibly others I haven't figured out yet. It kind of freaks you out, doesn't it?

I want to encourage you not to give up in figuring this shit out. Don't forget that these bastard fucks could have placed a few "screen memories" in place (through hypnotic suggestion) to cover up reality. So, when you start to put pieces together, don't be afraid to move those pieces around and reassemble them at a later date. (This is something I'm still working on, too).

You'll get through this. And hopefully, one day, you can bring your abusers to justice. That's my ultimate goal, anyway.

On a side note, somebody suggested the movie Girl with the Dragon Tattoo to me on my MK Ultra thread back in August. It did give me some of that, "fuck yeah, get 'em back!" high, but it also triggered an alter pretty hardcore. Nothing bad happened, it was just weird to switch like that lol So, I guess I recommend it with caution ;)

Quoting: Runaway

You may be on to something with the hormones. Every time I used to mention remembering my birth mother, one of my long term abusers would ask "Are you pregnant?" as if that was the reason I remembered. I'm nowhere near menopause though lol. I was just given enough evidence that I couldn't really ignore what had happened any more. It didn't help that I was stuck in PTSD "is this still going on" hell at the time (I still can't answer the question about the present honestly..in fact I tend to bury, hide, and make excuses for things in the present which is a sign that there's something to bury, hide, and make excuses for).

I don't know about DID...it would explain some things, but I don't trust anything that puts nice tidy little explanation-ribbons on things. I do use some of the DID communication techniques to access the part of me that was drugged or otherwise under the influence during a lot of the programming. I have a mental block between drugged me and un-drugged me that I'm pretty sure was just caused by some strong narcotics or hypnotic suggestion, etc but however it got there it is a huge memory block and so accessing it was an absolute bitch at first until I decided to treat it as if I were dealing with a separate person instead of just another part of my own head.

And yeah, not knowing who your abusers are sucks, what's worse is when you like them.

although I could never confirm at this point whether I've been involved in this as deeply as some on this thread, one thing I do know is I came across the topic many years ago...but for some reason there was an almost 'hypnotic' suggestion to "stay away". I came across Fritz Springmeier's book on monarch programming at that time, but could not read, for whatever reason, more than a few pages. I have since read the whole thing and pushed myself constantly to find out as much as I can, because of my family's multigenerational military background, and my seemingly interesting ability to meet and be friends with people over the years who have had pretty heavy programming...the stories I've heard...

I spent all my adolescence+ within the mental health system, but it never got beyond a 2 week stint at a hospital in my early 20s. After that point my parents and myself pushed me to get away from the mental health establishment. My parents had become scientologists at that point...which is another story but of course related.

I always felt I was put in a program very young, but it was aborted due to me not complying in some way. My life has loads of psychic experiences and uncanny coincidences- such as my close involvement and friendships with people who were very much displaying many of the symptoms divuldged in Springmeier's book. I was asked multiple times as a child if I was developing a photographic memory...I was like 2-4 years of age and being asked this is one of my few verbal memories...my great grandfather had it, and the family on my moms side goes back two presidents I'll leave unnamed here. They asked me if "I had a photographic memory like his." I had times as even a teenager with significant blackouts where I'd been verbally abusive...when a family member told about one in particular it floored me...felt horrible for a few days...but then realized what if I have many more epidsodes like this one?

I wish you the best with figuring out what has happened and dealing with the pain. Much peace,

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1271534

There was all sorts of fuss over the photographic memory when I was growing up. It's probably why I was taught to blur out faces in my vision when I looked at people, in case that memory was working.

It annoys the hell out of me that they were essentially looking for "fully loaded" humans, and when they couldn't find one they resorted to some fucking Frankenstein-esque techniques. I come from the same neighbourhood that multiple US presidents from the last few decades spent time in, so not exactly a stranger to their steps. Maybe you were a "back up". Hell if I know what I am. I still can't decide if I just had really bad luck (or a bad location anyway) or if this stuff is seriously throughout society.

As always I think these things have happened to you and are affecting your life today. Also think this kind of manipulation, still exist. People are used and abused on every level. Some we could probably never imagine. Yes.....I think some parts of the government use mind control/persuasion techniques. They use it on there enemies in foreign countries. And I'm sure it as been used domestically to. Hell....you even see it used in companies, and even on here. Ive been in threads and watched them turned into a huge fight, done intentionally to see the outcome. Have to laugh at those. lol

As always I think these things have happened to you and are affecting your life today. Also think this kind of manipulation, still exist. People are used and abused on every level. Some we could probably never imagine. Yes.....I think some parts of the government use mind control/persuasion techniques. They use it on there enemies in foreign countries. And I'm sure it as been used domestically to. Hell....you even see it used in companies, and even on here. Ive been in threads and watched them turned into a huge fight, done intentionally to see the outcome. Have to laugh at those. lol

I truly hope you find peace Light.

:kks104:

Quoting: Blue Skies

Thanks

It's too easy in threads...like the children's sandbox of troll tactics. Does that mean the govie is essentially one big troll? lol.

As always I think these things have happened to you and are affecting your life today. Also think this kind of manipulation, still exist. People are used and abused on every level. Some we could probably never imagine. Yes.....I think some parts of the government use mind control/persuasion techniques. They use it on there enemies in foreign countries. And I'm sure it as been used domestically to. Hell....you even see it used in companies, and even on here. Ive been in threads and watched them turned into a huge fight, done intentionally to see the outcome. Have to laugh at those. lol

I truly hope you find peace Light.

Quoting: Blue Skies

Thanks

It's too easy in threads...like the children's sandbox of troll tactics. Does that mean the govie is essentially one big troll? lol.

Quoting: The Light Under the Door

I don't think the whole government is trolling. Just little parts. lolDefinitely, easy as pie to play with peoples minds in some of these threads. Human emotions can cloud what really is being said. Pitting one against the other.......I'm sure this is how war where started. lol

People are so incredibly easy to pit against one another, to divide along pointless and intangible lines. I was held down and drowned and I still fight being brainwashed into one side or another, but the vast majority of people will gladly do it without a whimper and take every brand and mark as their own willingly and go to cheesy armchair war for their pointless positions. Makes me wonder what the point is.

take your potassium iodide KI and all will become crystal clear as your 3rd eye opens and the negative frequencies fade away...

How unfortunate for some rulers when men,women,and children continue to think... Keep repeating the lies loud enough and long enough and just maybe the people will start to believe the lies again and good luck with that...finding your energy open until mars becomes raging aries...

How unfortunate for some rulers when men,women,and children continue to think... Keep repeating the lies loud enough and long enough and just maybe the people will start to believe the lies again and good luck with that...finding your energy open until mars becomes raging aries...

People are so incredibly easy to pit against one another, to divide along pointless and intangible lines. I was held down and drowned and I still fight being brainwashed into one side or another, but the vast majority of people will gladly do it without a whimper and take every brand and mark as their own willingly and go to cheesy armchair war for their pointless positions. Makes me wonder what the point is.

Quoting: The Light Under the Door

I think people go along with ideas, because they don't want to make waves. Asking questions brings the attention onto you. Some don't like that. So they keep quiet and just go along with the majority. To conform, makes you feel normal I guess. Then again, if they had to endure some of the things you did. That may change. Being put in a situation that scares you and you have no control over. Will make most start fighting.Most people live a happy complacent life. Never enduring extreme trauma.I dunno Light.....Everyone deals differently. You have chosen to fight and dig out the truth. Others may just want to forget.

Why would anyone want to forget when that just leaves them open to fall into it again?Bleh, I know people just want the easy life but christ..if there's a hole in the road you don't just pretty it up with a layer of leaves or pretend it's not there until you break your neck riding your bike over it...you fix it or put up some warning signs. The whole populace is going to fall into that hole one at a time at this rate.

Sigh.I don't even know if these words are my own.I am so fucking sick of being her personal diary. I mean, I had such a GOOD view of what went on that it really couldn't have been absolute coincidence.

I see this in my employment, something changes and everyone is moaning and they won't stand for it.But when the crunch comes it is normally me on my own and everyone is suddenly against me, denying they ever agreed with me.

It is probably because most people seem to be lazy and dishonest. Anything for an easy life.

I did some work in marketing and there was a story of someone doing market research. They demonstrated the product and told their audience the price. Most people told the researcher that the product was amazing and at that price they would buy one. He said great I just so happen to have some with me, so who would like to buy one now. He soon found out the genuine people.

So perhaps you wouldn't want people who are easily swayed when you are doing expensive cutting edge scientific research?

I don't have a type. Can't answer the damn questions on that test other than maybe one or two. I never settled on a side, on a singular viewpoint. It's how I've always been. I see the whole damn picture. I'm a bloody freak in comparison to the general pop..that's been established long long ago..didn't need stories of MK to tell me that, everyone in my life over the years has.

And I know they were trying to groom me for the lab for a while because I got hired in then quit because I woke up one day and said "fuck you this is unethical".

I get that being raised in heartless conditions that I was supposed to grow to be a heartless bitch but I only developed the behaviours and tells of a heartless bitch because that was all I had to model growing up..I'm not one dammit.

The having to kill the animals thing..that's what happens to most research animals anyway, on a professional level it's not that big of a deal..it is, but it isn't. It was just the last straw for me.The problem is I usually find myself dragged into these types of situations without my consent, either locked in by suggestion or under the influence of god knows what...whatever it takes to get me to the other side of what I'm assuming is supposed to be a mental block..like a curtain that hides all (it's shredded at this point thanks to my persistence, I can see through the holes, HA), and regressed to an emotional age of a child. These ARE NOT the kind of situations anyone should be in when in a vulnerable emotional state of mind. This has been going on for freaking ages. When I was a teen and no longer speaking to the woman in charge of me, she'd catch me on my way home and get me to believe I was 10 years old. Yeah, I'm that fucking easy to manipulate I guess. So "ten year old" me would go with her to all of these events and random trials. There were a lot of movies in the behavioural lab so I checked the dates when they were released..these movies weren't even made until I was at least 15, which means I wasn't a 10 year old when watching them, regardless of what I was led to believe. I feel so freaking easily duped and so angry at those that have been a part of it.

The having to kill the animals thing..that's what happens to most research animals anyway, on a professional level it's not that big of a deal..it is, but it isn't. It was just the last straw for me.The problem is I usually find myself dragged into these types of situations without my consent, either locked in by suggestion or under the influence of god knows what...whatever it takes to get me to the other side of what I'm assuming is supposed to be a mental block..like a curtain that hides all (it's shredded at this point thanks to my persistence, I can see through the holes, HA), and regressed to an emotional age of a child. These ARE NOT the kind of situations anyone should be in when in a vulnerable emotional state of mind. This has been going on for freaking ages. When I was a teen and no longer speaking to the woman in charge of me, she'd catch me on my way home and get me to believe I was 10 years old. Yeah, I'm that fucking easy to manipulate I guess. So "ten year old" me would go with her to all of these events and random trials. There were a lot of movies in the behavioural lab so I checked the dates when they were released..these movies weren't even made until I was at least 15, which means I wasn't a 10 year old when watching them, regardless of what I was led to believe. I feel so freaking easily duped and so angry at those that have been a part of it.

Quoting: The Light Under the Door

But you have mentioned DID and there was probably hypnosis so it is not your fault if they have manipulated your young mind. You are not in full control of your life when you are a child.I think cracks do appear in the programming with age which is why you now have hindsight.

The having to kill the animals thing..that's what happens to most research animals anyway, on a professional level it's not that big of a deal..it is, but it isn't. It was just the last straw for me.The problem is I usually find myself dragged into these types of situations without my consent, either locked in by suggestion or under the influence of god knows what...whatever it takes to get me to the other side of what I'm assuming is supposed to be a mental block..like a curtain that hides all (it's shredded at this point thanks to my persistence, I can see through the holes, HA), and regressed to an emotional age of a child. These ARE NOT the kind of situations anyone should be in when in a vulnerable emotional state of mind. This has been going on for freaking ages. When I was a teen and no longer speaking to the woman in charge of me, she'd catch me on my way home and get me to believe I was 10 years old. Yeah, I'm that fucking easy to manipulate I guess. So "ten year old" me would go with her to all of these events and random trials. There were a lot of movies in the behavioural lab so I checked the dates when they were released..these movies weren't even made until I was at least 15, which means I wasn't a 10 year old when watching them, regardless of what I was led to believe. I feel so freaking easily duped and so angry at those that have been a part of it.

Quoting: The Light Under the Door

But you have mentioned DID and there was probably hypnosis so it is not your fault if they have manipulated your young mind. You are not in full control of your life when you are a child.I think cracks do appear in the programming with age which is why you now have hindsight.

Quoting: lightchild_uk

Bingo. It's not your fault, OP, and it's not even 10-year-old you's fault (who is still locked in your mind, stuck in that age). Lay all blame at the feet of these fucking pedophile abusers. It's not that you're easily duped, it's that these people are evil and have had their filthy paws on you since you were very young. It makes me want to explode... >:|

And I am sensing there is some type of Aleister Crowley genetic connection between the MK-ultra master and I.

Like we are both descendants of Aleister Crowley or something to that effect.

I am a Natural Occultist.

But then again I am the Reincarnation of Helena Blavatsky and John Dee so that makes sense that Occult Powers would Ooze from my Spirit.

Quoting: Open Your Eyes

Open Your Eyes, please god keep your "I am the favourite of the illuminati, they gave me the sacred collar" off my thread. This isn't about who got to be the favourite bitch dog or who can claim "better dissociative blood of a higher quality" or some shite.

And I am sensing there is some type of Aleister Crowley genetic connection between the MK-ultra master and I.

Like we are both descendants of Aleister Crowley or something to that effect.

I am a Natural Occultist.

But then again I am the Reincarnation of Helena Blavatsky and John Dee so that makes sense that Occult Powers would Ooze from my Spirit.

Quoting: Open Your Eyes

Open Your Eyes, please god keep your "I am the favourite of the illuminati, they gave me the sacred collar" off my thread. This isn't about who got to be the favourite bitch dog or who can claim "better dissociative blood of a higher quality" or some shite.