What a beautiful Florida day to wake up to! The sun was shining brightly, and the temperature was perfect. We had a busy day planned. I had to go to Target with Makailyn to get my nephew a birthday present and then we could go home to get ready for the Luke Bryan Concert! My husband had an MRI scheduled, so Everleigh was going to spend the day at the party with Granny and Bubba(Pit). After we made sure she was taken care of, it was go time! Three girls on a mission to get all beautified for the upcoming evening! But deep down, it was there…I felt it looming, and pushed it back down as much as I could!

We rode with my cousin and her daughter to the concert. We had to get there early because we all had PIT tickets, which meant we would be waiting in line for hours before we could enter the event! Walking up to the familiar building, I took it in stride. Everything seemed to be ok. My cousin had dropped us off at the corner to go find our spot in the line while she parked. I walked around with the three girls for a few minutes and there didn’t seem to be much of a crowd, much less a line. So far, so good. We stopped by to get a drink and headed around to the side of he building where we found both the line, and my cousin. The girls went on a hunt for food and brought back fries without ketchup from one of the food trucks out front!! Who eats French fries without at LEAST ketchup! So my cousin and I left them to hold our spot in line and find me some ketchup!

When we came to the front of the building, walking towards the food truck, it hit me…the heavy weight in my chest. I tried to take a deep breath, but that damn elephant was too heavy to get in a full, deep, oxygenated breath. I tried again. No luck. I scanned the crowd for any familiar faces and the elephant sat up a little…just enough to get some clarity. I GOT TO GET AWAY FROM THE FRONT! My cousin was waiting to use the restroom so I calmly, or maybe not so calmly, excused myself back to the line with the girls. By he time I got back, I was hot, flushed, that damn elephant was getting heavier and my hands were slightly tremoring. I sat down and slowed my breathing down and tried to talk myself out of every reason I was having anxiety!

You are perfectly safe here

No one can hurt you

Your cousin has your back

No one will hurt you around your children

It’s been 12 years, get over it

You are over reacting

You have nothing to fear

No one is watching you

No one can see the fear

BE FEARLESS. BECOME FEARLESS. ENJOY YOURSELF. ENJOY YOUR FAMILY.

Well it seemed it to work for the time being. The girls were laughing and taking endless selfies! They are the cutest! This was definitely going to be a night to remember and I did NOT want to waste it on any stupid anxiety filling my head with bullshit that doesn’t belong!

Smiles for miles!

After a couple of hours, we were able to enter the coliseum for the concert. The elephant had seemed to be gone and we were well on our way for a night full of fun and music! We were able to secure a spot right up front against the railing of the PIT, which meant only one thing…we were stuck there in those spots until the concert began! Meadow decided she wasn’t going to drink any water so she wouldn’t have to take a bathroom break and miss anything! I eventually was able to sneak off before the concert for drinks, after making sure to make friends with those around us and knowing they would take care of my girls.

Once Brett Young came out, the girls were in awe! They were screaming and dancing their hearts out! As a mom, nothing is sweeter than watching your children with pure joy in their eyes!! He stopped several times in front of us and shook our hands, and one time he grabbed Meadow’s phone and took a video of him singing with us in the background! He made them fangirls for life!! ​

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Brett Eldridge was next. Another great performance. They danced and sang, having a blast. Once again, we had a chance to shake hands with him and get lots of pictures and videos! Being up close and personal was well worth the time and money spent to make it happen for my girls!

After Brett Eldridge, the crowd in the PIT got a little thicker anticipating the arrival of Luke Bryan. My cousin and her daughter finally made there way back from the acoustic performance, and we were waiting for him to take the stage. While waiting, I started feeling a little nudge of anxiety creep in. I tried to feign it off to the best of my ability. My eyes started scanning the crowd. I had this overwhelming feeling of being watched. You know that feeling…the one where you feel it in your gut….eyes staring at you, but you just can’t seem to find the direction in which they are coming from! The “elephant” started getting heavier on my chest. There was a family down at the end of the gate who started shoving into us. It wasn’t long until Meadow and I were feeling squished, along with the two young girls beside us. The elephant got heavier. I asked Security to please ask them to stop pushing. Nothing was done.

Right before Luke took the stage, Meadow looks at me and says, I’m going to be sick! I looked around at the crowd behind us knowing full well we wouldn’t get through before she was sick. I pointed to the rail and said, just go there! The security officer did NOT look pleased, but I guess he should’ve addressed that family insisting on pushing into the rest of us! Then, she says, “Mom, everything is black!” Before I could react, she was sliding down to the floor in front of me. She had passed out! My cousin and I tried helping her up and she jumped up screaming, “I’m fine, I’m fine….I’m NOT leaving!” After two bottles of water, holding her hair up and fanning her, she was back to screaming and dancing! All was well once again!

Luke did not disappoint! We had a great time listening to him sing and watching him dance only he way he can do to rile the crowd of screaming girls up!

But that sinking feeling was there…in the pit of my stomach. I just couldn’t shake it! Half way through his performance, I had enough. I asked my cousin to leave with me! We went and got the girls some water and sat behind the PIT area and finished listening to the concert. I told her I just couldn’t stop looking through the crowd. My anxiety was through the roof and I just really wanted to get home to my husband and baby girl, safe and sound!

(This is the image I received after I told him I wanted to come home!😍😍)

We left the concert and made it safely back to the vehicle! Slowly, the elephant, who had been a nuisance all evening, left just as quickly as he came! Left behind was a pounding headache and a painful left ear, which turned out to be an ear infection! 😂😂

The next morning, two things happened. I received a messaged letting me know my ex was at the concert sitting right across from the PIT where we were. Well, I guess I’m not so crazy after all. The feeling I had was indeed on point! Thanks to my intuition, I really knew before she even told me…I just could pinpoint The Who and where!

The second thing….my ex texted his daughter to tell her he saw her at the concert, but he didn’t have his cell phone on him to text her the night before! WHAT?? First of all, who in the hell leaves their cell phone at home or in the car at a concert in 2017? Secondly, you were with your new wife/old mistress, so seriously, try to sell that bullshit Story to someone a little more naive! I’ve raised a smart girl, it some little dumbass who will willingly believe you and all of your lies!

Here’s the part that is the most irritating to me! Since the first week of July….a week after we moved back from Washington, you have not physically laid eyes on our beautiful daughter. She has spent the last 8 months growing up, maturing, changing, blossoming, getting taller, and becoming a young lady. And you’ve missed it all. By choice! You’ve missed her first day of High School. Her first High School football game she cheered at. Her first High School cheer competition, and her first National Cheer Competition. You missed Thanksgiving and Christmas. You didn’t even call. And to top it all off, you stood before God, your family & friends, her family & friends, and vowed to love a woman for the rest of your days….as long as you both shall live….WITHOUT our daughter by your side! You prayed for your marriage to be blessed by God. But you….you can’t even have and keep a relationship with your ONLY child? Tell me, how much faith do you think those of us who truly know you, have on your “new” marriage? A marriage that is the result of two people committing adultery on their spouses! A marriage that began leaving out a VERY important part of one of the two of you?

For two days, you’ve called. You want a relationship now. After 8 long months. After us watching her notice you ignoring her, you finally decide its time to play dad! And why? Because your new wife says so! She’s noticing you being upset! So now that it’s affecting her, she wants you to contact your daughter! How convenient.

Here’s my thoughts on it. We HAD to move in January 2014 due to my husbands Navy career. We had NO choice! We begged you to come and see your daughter! We begged you to participate in her life. We opened up our home and even offered you a place to stay, just so you could share in her life while we were stationed away from Florida. Instead, we heard all of the excuses you had.

I can’t take time off of work

I can’t afford it

It’s too far to fly

So we did our best and moved back as soon as we could. We bought land to build a house to insure we were 2 miles away from your house, to make it easier on YOU so you could be closer to your daughter. Now since we’ve been back, we’ve discovered there never was an issue with all the excuses you once gave. They were all lies. Let’s take a moment to point out the truth of what’s happened in the last 8 months.

You’ve taken off work for multiple vacations, including a honeymoon

You bought a new house 675,000 (seems kind of expensive to be broke)

You took a plane to visit your brother in Oregon. You know, that state RIGHT below WASHINGTON where your daughter resided for 2.5 years!

You missed all holidays and special events for 8 months….no call, no text. Oh, there was a text here and there…like when we had to evacuate for the hurricane, but not Christmas!

I could keep going but I’ve blogged and blogged about this and it just seriously breaks my heart. The worst part…he’s made my daughter harden her heart to protect it from being hurt. She came to me after the first call on Sunday and said she thought something was wrong with her. When I asked why she said, “Well, he was crying on the phone and I was looking at myself in the mirror and wondering why I had no emotion about it!”

And THAT is truly the most heartbreaking part of a dad that chooses to walk away. She will forever have a wall around her heart, waiting for the ones she loves to walk away! 😢

I see you. I know who you are. You can be so easily read. Like a well planned novel, written like so many others, time and time again. The plot is the same. The characters are eerily similar, although the names are different. The steps you take, the lies you tell, the mistakes you make…it’s all been done before. But this time, the ending will be different. You see, whenever you write the book, you can change the ending. I’m choosing to change this one. I am choosing to lessen your role in my story. To make you less relevant. To leave you twisted up in your miserable web of lies. A web SO intricate, google maps couldn’t direct you out! Keep spewing your lies. Keep telling others of you and your husbands innocence. I will sit here with the truth in my heart, my true love by my side, and the proof in black and white, spoken in your own words for all to discover. For if I see you, then the world will surely see the real you as well! Evil can only hide in the darkness for so long before it finds its way into the light.
The End.

I recently went to my attorneys office and got back all of the evidence and paperwork related to my attack in 2005. There are police reports, pictures, blood-stained clothes, and an endless pile of paperwork, including depositions and statements given throughout the years. One night, about 2 weeks after I picked it up, I was up suffering from insomnia and there it sat….in the corner, staring at me, begging me to begin the long journey into that dreadful night. I knew it wasn’t going to be pleasant. I knew it was going to end with me being angry, hurt, and feeling betrayed all over again, but I KNEW I had to look through it and get it over with.

This will be one of a few blogs dealing with what I found in those files that night. But this blog in particular, I’m going to focus on one thing and one thing only….the “witnesses” to the attack. Now, I will be politically correct and save myself the hassle of being threatened with legal action of libel and slander, and I will leave out names, however, they are all public record if you really want to know that bad. It’s not really important for the story though. The only importance is their role in the non-prosecution of my attacker.

So, we have my two friends who witnessed her attack me, but didn’t actually see the bottle, because one of her male friends grabbed my male friend, which was also my friends boyfriend, when he tried to stop the attack. Therefore neither of my witnesses actually saw the bottle, only the altercation, and the result of the altercation. This allowed the States Attorney to fall back on a technicality, and not prosecute her. No, they didn’t see the bottle, but they saw her on top of me and what I looked like after she was pulled off of me! Then you have my estranged husband. (Now ex husband) He claims initially that I started the altercation, but never saw the bottle, but doesn’t know who touched me or who cut up my face! (Per his statement under oath to a judge) He also stated under oath, she was on top of me!

Then we have a female witness, a friend of hers. She states under oath to a judge states “I was holding my friend up by her belt so Kenna-Joy couldn’t pull her down on top of her (didn’t I say all along I was on the ground??) but when he judge asked her under oath, she also didn’t see he bottle or who cut my face or my chest!

Next we have a male witness, also a friend of my estranged husband at the time. A single man whom I knew well. There is no statement from him in the police report, but there is a statement later during an apparent formal interview that I nor my witnesses were NEVER advised of! This was dated April 3, 2005…. really….over a month AFTER the incident! These statements were taken after the injunction for protection had been issued as well!! So after over a month, the injunction was already issued and my witnesses had given their statements, the officers gather her witnesses, all of which arrived with her to the event, and question them. Of course her female witness states I was very intoxicated and she herself was afraid of me and not my attacker! (My attacker was her friend!) The single male friend, also a fire fighter, says I was the clear aggressor and the defendant would NOT have attack had I not approached her! (Hmm..wonder why he didn’t give a statement saying those words the night of the attack? Sounds to me like he was persuaded!)

Now, the final witness I would like to address, is the married fireman. The good ole buddy of my estranged husband. You see, this man basically fell off the face of the earth when this went down! I called him to ask him why he didn’t give a statement to the police and he said he didn’t know she was stabbing me or he would’ve beat the shit out of her! See, he was the guy who pushed my male friend down, my friend who tried to help me! Neither the married fireman nor the single fireman showed up in court to testify in behalf of my attacker or my estranged husband during their injunction hearings. But both gave a statement in some secret meeting I knew nothing about! Why would this married man be SO worried about me finding out about his statement to the police? Why would he not give the same statement in court to help both my attacker and husband in court if it was the truth?

Two reasons! First, during this investigation, all parties were called down to a meeting with their superiors. It seems the fire department was conducting its own investigation…off the record, of course! The married male fireman is married to someone with family higher up in the fire department hierarchy. This whole situation most likely didn’t sit too well with the family. Secondly , the estranged wife, me, knew too much! I’m quite sure he was extremely nervous about pissing me off, especially when it came to marital affairs! It seems he wasn’t so careful when he was intoxicated one night when he was out with us and his wife was in Disney with their daughter! I’m sure he didn’t want me to let it slip to his wife about the new teacher friend from Callahan he met that night in the bar! I’m sure it wouldn’t have gone over very well! But that was years ago, so we should all be over it by now, right? I’m sure he wouldn’t care if she put 2 + 2 together, right?

Needless to say, there were a lot of uncovered secrets in those files, and I’ve just barely scratched the surface!

December 2004 was the first time I had ever attended therapy as a couple. I had been to therapy previously when my first husband passed away, but never as a couple. When I made that appointment, I had hope in my heart. I really felt like this would be the answer to our marital issues. I knew how deep my love for my husband ran, and I knew I was willing to do anything to make our marriage work. Whenever I fell in love with him, I gave him 100% of my heart. I loved him no matter what. I loved his faults, I loved his quirky grin, I loved his weird giggle, I loved the way he told a story, and I loved his skinny frame. He didn’t need to do anything special to impress me…I loved him just the way he was. And that should’ve been enough to make it work, right? It turns out the only thing I wasn’t willing to accept was his infidelity and his lack of loyalty to our marriage. Don’t get me wrong, when I first found out about the affair, I was willing to do the work to drag our marriage out of the hole it was in and make it back to where we started. The only problem was, I was the only one willing to make the commitment to our marriage. After the attack, I knew the marriage would never be able to be salvaged. How could I ever trust my heart to a man who left me laying on the ground, bleeding, while he ran off with his mistress? How could I ever trust a man who stood in court under oath and refused to name my attacker?

During the first year after the attack, I really felt like his heart was filled with evil. How could I have been so wrong about a man? I thought I knew him but I had been wrong. Then, one day it happened. The man I had married reappeared and for the first time in over 2 years, I recognized the person I was speaking too.

I had called my now ex-husband to confirm him picking up our daughter from school. I also told him of my recent engagement. After hanging up, he called back and said he couldn’t pick our daughter up. When I told him she was excited and expecting him, he broke down crying. Now, I want to make a point here. Some men can cry at the littlest thing. My ex-husband could not. He cried when our daughter was born, he cried when he told our kids he was moving out, and now, he was crying….I was shocked! For the next 45 minutes I listened to him tell me how sorry he was for everything he had done. He said he was so f**ked up and she was a crazy bitch! (umm…yea she is) He told me he never meant to hurt me. He said he knew that I would’ve never forgiven him for the affair, which was why he left. He swore he didn’t realize how bad I was hurt the night of the attack…he was drunk and he only remembered it partially, the forgotten portion was filled in by my attacker. He said he was happy I was getting remarried and said my future husband was a great guy…I deserved to be happy! I could go on and on about our conversation, but bottom line, he showed remorse for his actions and I knew he was sorry! He never intended for me to get hurt and I knew he was telling the truth. So, I gave him some advice. I explained I had been working through the emotional carnage from both the affair and attack for the last two years with the help of a therapist, and for our daughters sake he needed to do the same. She deserved her daddy to be emotionally healthy and happy!

Although he only went a couple of times, I received the apology I needed to remove the anger I held in my heart for him. I will never forget what he did or the role he played in my attack, but I will forgive him. He is not the same kind of manipulative human being as my attacker. Is he a habitual cheater? Yes! Does he carry more emotional baggage than Delta on any given day? Yes! Does that make him evil? No! It makes him sad…but that’s not my problem. The only time it concerns me is when it affects our daughter!

But the she-devil…she on the other hand has a heart made of pure evil. I’m pretty sure you could just post her damn picture beside the word “evil” in the dictionary and everyone would say “ahhh, yea, that makes sense!” In the beginning, I tried putting myself in her shoes to understand how she could live with herself….I couldn’t do it! She’s told anyone who would listen I was “much larger” than she was. I was indeed taller, but even the police report has her outweighing me. She stated in the injunction hearing “people told her the next day I was going to kick her ass” I guess she’s a mind reader since she attacked me prior to knowing that information. It’s been said I was “training to box”, making my hands dangerous, which is why she had to stab me. Now, I did work out boxing and I won’t lie, my straight right could put someone on their ass, so if indeed she’s correct and I attacked her first, how in the hell didn’t she end up with a busted nose? How was she able to overpower me to get a bottle? How….because she hit me with the bottle before I even had a chance to react!

Regardless of her version of the story, how could a supposedly innocent woman go around making fun of a woman she attacked and permanently disfigured? Why would she be so proud of the nickname “slasher” and be more than happy to respond when called by that name? Because she’s evil! There is no remorse for the actions that caused my injuries. No remorse for the affair. No remorse for sleeping with my husband after the attack. No remorse for my friend she tried to run off the road. No remorse for the man she married and shared a life with. No remorse for the other family she destroyed by her cheating ways. And the worst part, no remorse for the lives of the children that were impacted negatively by all of her actions, including her own child!

Good always prevails over evil. It doesn’t always seem like it in the beginning, but over time, light shines bright for the good in all of us while darkness slowly but surely takes over the life of those that are evil! My life hasn’t been perfect since the attack, but I can say for certain the love I’ve been shown since that time has been most definitely the brightest times I’ve had! And as far as my attacker goes, I’m pretty sure her cheating days are over. Some call it karma, I like to call it justice!

When I started this blog, I had no intention of it receiving this much attention. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t until recently that the interest soared. I have been living the same life now as I was when I started this blog 3 years ago, so what changed? What made people want to read what I had to say? Hmmm…I can only venture to guess it has a lot to do with my blogs on the attack. I knew putting out the information to the world would possibly draw negative attention, it was only a matter of time. Well, the time is now! I received this comment on the blog I wrote last night!

First, let me start by saying I welcome any and all comments. In fact, many of you reading may be wondering if I did anything at all to antagonize my attacker. So let me “admit” the truth…I did! The truth is I spoke very poorly of her to my husband. I thought she was a home wrecking whore and had expressed so on many occasions. I’m sure he shared my thoughts with her. I also made fun of her to my husband, and I suppose he told her. I admitted to him when I saw them eating lunch together, I thought she was ugly. In fact, I even made the statement if I had seen her at the fire station working with him, I wouldn’t for one second be concerned about her. I guess this proves looks really aren’t everything….sex sells people!! I also had the nerve to continue to be intimate with my husband and express my feelings of love while they were apparently “dating”, even though he reassured me they were “just friends”. Perhaps that was upsetting to her.

I’m only assuming the above commenter took the time to read all of my blogs before posting their opinions about me. If so, I’m not really sure what “horrendous” things they are referring to. I’ve admitted to calling the mistresses husband, I’ve admitted to many things I did during that time, but none of those things would I describe as “horrendous”! Horrendous is allowing yourself to become so jealous, you take a beer bottle, hit an unarmed person over the head, and repeatedly slash them over and over again, until someone pulls you off! Horrendous is lying under oath numerous times, each time giving conflicting stories. Horrendous is posting pictures making fun of the person you attacked. Horrendous is not showing any remorse for your actions. Horrendous is continuing to lie to your spouse regarding the attack and your affair, knowing you are sleeping with another man anytime you get the chance! Horrendous is breaking up another marriage. Horrendous is continually harassing anyone and everyone that crosses you, just because you can! Horrendous….that’s not me!

As far as timid…I would hardly consider myself timid. I’ve written in depth of the pain the attack and affair caused me and my family, but that doesn’t make me timid. As a matter of fact, it makes me strong! Strong enough to face my kids with stitches on my face and chest. Strong enough to face the public with my head held high within days of the attack, to put food on the table for my kids. Strong enough to endure multiple treatments to lessen the appearance of the scars. Timid….hardly!

Now as far as my family knowing the truth….I’ve never lied…not once. My story has never changed. My attacker and her witnesses on the other hand contradict each other and change their stories depending on which report you read. I have them…my attorney studied them…it’s all there in black and white. Only an idiot can’t see the truth. So I suppose if you believe I’m a liar, I would in fact be calling you an idiot! I have nothing to hide. I’m not ashamed of who I was or who I’ve become. I was a woman, who gave her love to the wrong man, and paid the price. I take full responsibility for being so naïve.

But please, commenter, don’t “feel sorry” for me! I came out on top! I am remarried to the most perfect, supportive, faithful, loving man a woman could ever ask for and my attacker is married to a man who’s a known adulterer! So instead of feeling sorry for me, perhaps your sympathies should be directed towards her…it’s only a matter of time before he realizes who he’s married to and looks elsewhere for a worthy partner! I only hope her current husband is able to protect his future mistress from his crazy wife!! She’s going to need it!

So thank you mystery commenter for taking the time to read my blog, but don’t waste your time feeling sorry for me! I face the truth everyday when I look into the mirror…and the truth is, I’m much better off now than I EVER was then! Good night!

We all have those special dates in our head. The day we were born, the day of our first kiss, the day you met our spouse, the day of marriage, or the day you became a parent. Then there are those dates you don’t want to remember, but you just can’t seem to forget, no matter how hard you try! The date of a break-up, a date of a death, a date of a miscarriage, or perhaps a date of an attack.

February 25th will always be a date I want to forget, but will forever be a date of importance. Every year I do my best to prep for the upcoming date. I push the thoughts as far in the back of my mind as possible, with the hopes I can forget it. One year, I even forgot, for one day…but that day was short-lived. I’ve been doing a lot of writing on this subject over the weeks leading up to the date this year. It was not something I had typically done in the past and to be quite honest, it drained me a bit. I had to take a step back from the blog to deal with just getting through the upcoming unwanted Anniversary!

Well, today is that day. The Anniversary I never wanted has come and gone…I survived another year! This year in particular, was hard! My husband, who has consistently been my rock, is still deployed. It makes it hard to feel all of the emotions solo without having my biggest supporter by my side to reassure me like he always does! Instead, this year I had to keep it together for both myself and my kids! Nobody needs mamma flippin’ shit because she’s is stuck in the past dealing with the devil! So I did what mammas do best, I slapped a Band-Aid on the pain with a fake smile and carried on like normal, whatever the hell that is! Ha!

I’ve felt a lot of mixed emotions this week. It’s been liberating getting this story out in the open, but with that has come a lot of weird Facebook happenings! I have had the MOST random friend requests EVER! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of great connections made through writing, and for those genuine requests, thank you! But it’s the creepers that irk me! I mean, I’m smart enough to figure out a fake profile when I see it! And if all of your friends are recent and once removed, chances are you are a stalker and should get a life and stay the hell out of mine! Truth is, my blogs have been public, no need to creep to see them! There have been no big secrets I’m trying to keep and no lies being told! If you want to know what I have to say or the impact all of this has had on MY life, I’m handing it to you on a silver platter….HERE IT IS!! I’m not ashamed or embarrassed by anything I’ve written and I have no problem with ANYONE reading it. This is my way to heal and deal with the past like I choose!

Like I said, it’s been a week of mixed emotions…sometimes I am angry and sometimes I just feel hurt! I’ve been haunted by unpleasant dreams this week on 2 occasions…not a pleasant way to spend my dreams! It disgusts me the way my mind betrays me! Why does it give her so much power? Why does it let her control my emotions…still….all these years later? I just wish I could erase the pictures of the night from my brain….I wish I could forget the sounds she made, the smells in the air, her blonde hair….just her…I just want to forget she ever existed! But that’s not reality.

The reality is she changed me forever. She changed the structure of my family, or I should say, assisted in altering it. She took away a lot from me mentally and physically that night. I will never feel the same security I felt prior to that night. I will always sense panic when I hear a crash of glass. It’s something I can’t control no matter how hard I try! Physically I will never be the same either! My face will always hold the scars of adultery. They will forever remind me of what selfishness looks like! I was not able to breastfeed my daughter without remembering the horrific events of that night and the pain of the affair! I can’t be intimate with my husband without him seeing a constant reminder of what infidelity can lead too! I can’t get a facial without being asked if I was in an “accident”! Yea, my ex-husband “accidently” stuck his penis in a crazy biotch!

And let’s not forget the innocent lives that will be forever changed. I’ve been anticipating it…I knew it would happen….today was that day. I woke up to the cutest little 2 year old, snuggling with me. She was caressing my face and when she reached the scars on the left side she said, “Mamma boo-boo?” And right there, in that moment, my heart broke a little more! Today I put that Band-Aid smile on and said mommas ok, but that answer won’t work forever! All too soon, she will be a curious 4 year old and her favorite word will be “why”!

And to her question I will reply, “Why? Because if not, then I would’ve never known the unconditional love of your daddy or the amazing, beautiful daughter we created together!”

The statistics are alarming these days. Divorce is often not seen as “if” but “when” it will happen. Two people vow to share their lives with each other, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, richer or poorer, until DEATH…not, DIVORCE! But yet here I sit, 2 divorces behind me! The first divorce was partially my fault. I should’ve recognized the signs of abuse early on and never married him. But I didn’t and I left without any question in my mind I was doing the right thing. But the second divorce, no, I had no control over that one. Well, I guess I could’ve waited to let him file after the attack from his mistress, but that’s not what strong women do, right? And I had children that needed me to be a strong woman, to set an example for them to follow. Although I am happily married now and I couldn’t imagine my life without him, my divorce still haunts me! It’s almost like you aren’t married, but you never really get to let go of them if you share a child.

It’s been 10 years since the divorce. I prided myself on always being nice to him in spite of wanting to spit in his face for his part in the assault. I worked REALLY hard to overcome the hate I felt for this man. I knew I needed to let that go in order to co-parent our daughter. So that’s what I did. I invited him to her birthday parties, I kept him informed of everything that was going on in her life, I bit my tongue when he put women before his daughter, I called and tried to help him when he struggled being a father to a daughter! Open communication…always! If he wanted to see her, he was able to see her. No rules, just whatever was best for our girl! I even did my daughters hair for his 2nd wedding. No, I wasn’t always perfect, there were times I told him what I thought, but we were always able to work it out!

Fast forward 2 years in to his 2nd marriage and he cheats once again!! Of course the mistress is also married. He of course had a bunch of blame to place on his wife, but being on the other side of the blame game, I knew better than to believe the stories I was hearing! A few months before their split, we moved across the country due to my husbands orders. My daughter was supposed to fly back and spend Christmas with her dad. When she had been there 3 months before, he had been married to his wife. I begged him not to introduce our daughter to another woman just yet…she wasn’t ready. He assured me he would not! He was still denying the affair, but being from a small town, the rumor mill still traveled from east to west coast with ease! While she was there, she not only met his mistress, but she and her kids went on vacation together. My ex and his mistress slept in the same bed while my daughter and her kids shared the same hotel room with them! Both of them were still married to other people…what kind of example was he setting for our daughter!

Needless to say, when she returned and I found out about the visit, I was upset! I called and told him I didn’t agree! We exchanged words and he threatened to take me back to court. He had agreed on the move but stated he would tell the court I had kidnapped her. Well, we ended up in court that summer. Child support was increased, something I never wanted, but since having a new girlfriend, he suddenly didn’t have the money to help with her extra curricular activities. Since that had been our agreement, I had no other choice but to take him back. I have to pay 100% of the airfare…not a big deal since there are only 3 more visits before we move back.

This is the first time my daughter remembers us arguing after the divorce . It breaks my heart for her, but there is nothing I can do. I’ve tried talking to him, but he refuses. He’s too busy with his new family! My daughter begged him to come to a competition this year, he kept saying he didn’t have the money now that his child support increased, but yet the vacations with his new family continued. During Competition season, she asked again, only to be given the excuse he couldn’t take off work. Well, less than a month after state competition, my daughter found out he went to South America with his mistress/now fiancée! Of course he didn’t spend a thing, but he did take off work to go, which was one of the many excuses he’s told our daughter.

It’s been a rough time for all of us. My husband is also deployed so we don’t have the support from him we are accustomed to having. This past week was bad in particular. My pain level was extremely high, my shoulder is giving me hell and although surgery is scheduled for March, it does nothing to relieve the pain now. The fibromyalgia is off the charts and so I have been an emotional wreck. Add to that an emotional daughter due to finding out another lie her dad told her and another bunch of excuses to make it all better, it really isn’t a good combination! Whenever she’s pissed at him, it all falls back on me! Usually I can handle it well, but with how I was feeling, I finally snapped back at her!

“How is it fair that I always get yelled at? Why is it always me that takes the brunt of what you’re feeling? Why do you scream at me whenever you are mad at him?”

With tears in her eyes she said “I can’t help it, I’m closer to you! I can’t tell him how I feel”

And with that statement, it made it all worth it! I remember telling him when she was younger, he was going to wake up one day and she would be grown up! He needed to take advantage of the time he had with her now before she became a teenager! Well that time is gone, and he wasted it on trying to impress women instead of being the dad to his daughter she deserves!

Just because you divorce, doesn’t mean you can rid yourself of them forever. Often times, the same hurt they caused you during your marriage, you will one day see in the eyes of your child! As a parent, seeing that pain is way worse than any pain he could’ve caused me. I wish I could take it all away, but since I can’t, I will just love her with everything I have! After all, she’s the best thing that came out of that marriage…she’s made every ounce of pain worth it and I would go through it all again!

Going through a divorce is hard enough, but when you are going through a divorce and suddenly become the topic of conversation in a small town, it makes it even worse! Anyone who lives or has lived in a small town knows how toxic the rumor mill can be when you are struggling through a hard time in your life. For me in particular, dealing with the divorce was hard enough, but dealing with the rumors about my assault from my husbands mistress at times made it unbearable! It seemed everyone knew someone, who knew someone, who knew EXACTLY what had happened…and they would swear by it!

One of the biggest misconceptions was my initiation of the attack. Although some will still argue I started the altercation, I was able to produce enough evidence to prove otherwise. It still didn’t matter when people that weren’t even present suddenly became experts on my life! For instance, it was stated by multiple people, including the mistress, I was MUCH larger than she was! That was not the case. I may have been taller, but due to a great diet I like to call the “devastated divorce diet”, I was as thin as I was in high school. My attacker was not fat, but very stocky. If I was indeed bigger, how was she able to overpower me and do the damage with the beer bottle without having any obvious signs of a fight other than some redness! Again, I have photos to prove this fact!

It was so hard watching people I once considered friends and family turn their backs on me and side with a serial cheater. They knew his past and knew the facts of the case, but still chose to not only take his side, but use every opportunity to make me look bad in the community in which I lived. I couldn’t even go to work without hearing from other firemen about the lies and disgusting things the mistress was saying to her colleagues about me and the situation. It seemed like every time I had to call rescue for a patient, I had to brace myself for an interrogation from the firemen who walked through the door! I reached my boiling point…I had enough of being treated like the villain. This woman, my husband, and anyone close to them were slandering my name, making themselves into the victims! The affair continued and her husband was one of the many people who believed the lies she told. I was determined to make sure she didn’t destroy him the same way she had destroyed me. I wanted him to know what kind of evil woman he was really married too.

I decided the only way to make him believe me was to provide him the same proof I had…voice mail messages from his wife to my husband. My husband had not changed his password on his cellphone, so for several weeks I taped the messages she left for him. Most were sexual in nature. She sounded cheap and nasty. From everything I gathered in the messages, she liked it rough! Maybe that was the intrigue…he didn’t have to respect her, he only had to flip her 50 ways from Sunday and she felt like a special bitch! One message in particular she was giggling like a school girl…”I don’t know what you did to my back last night, but it’s still hurting today!” I guess she would stop at nothing to have his undivided attention!

After I had enough to prove the affair to her husband, I waited for a day when I knew she would be at the fire station working, which wasn’t hard to do since she and my husband were on the same shift. I won’t lie, when her husband answered the phone, he wasn’t happy to hear from me. So I just played the first message for him. He got quiet and then asked me to stop the tape. He questioned my intentions and why I was doing this to him. I told him I just wanted him to know the truth and he deserved better than this! Then I recounted for him another message regarding a meeting she called to cancel due to her husbands plans changing. The voice mail message she left for my husband let him know he couldn’t come over that evening and that her husband and son had just went to his parents house but would be back shortly! At that moment, I knew he believed me….but at that moment, my heart broke for him. I knew all too well the feeling of betrayal he was feeling. One minute your marriage is your happy place and the next minute it’s like a wave of water has washed all of the comfort away!

The next day wasn’t better. I heard the message her husband left for my husband, begging him to leave her alone. He just wanted a chance to work out their marriage. He wanted my husband to be a man and walk away…time to let them figure out their marriage. But that never happened. My husband continued to sleep with her without remorse. As a matter of fact, he threatened me with the police since I had tapped his phone! Ha…I didn’t tap his phone, I just listened to the messages! But we were married, and the phone was not just his, but also mine, therefore not illegal! 🙂 He was more than pissed at me, but it didn’t change the outcome of the situation. They continued the affair, and I continued with the divorce. But for me, at least I knew I did my best to protect another spouse from being blindsided by betrayal.

It’s been over 10 years since I had that conversation. I recently had the chance to catch up a little bit through messenger. I was able to apologize for the way I handled that situation all of those years ago. My intention was never to hurt him personally, although I know my phone call did just that. I know eventually he would’ve found out anyway, but I hate knowing it was me that delivered the news. He is such a gracious man and doesn’t blame me at all! I am so relieved to know he understands why I did what I did. All I ever wanted was for him to know the truth and get the happiness he deserved…and now, I know he has just that!! He is got remarried and has more kids. Although we were both changed by our spouses affairs, our lives changed for the better! No more doubts, no more hurt, no more tears, no more lies…just love and happiness!! And for that, I will forever be grateful!

So there I am, standing in the kitchen staring at my phone with a million thoughts running through my mind. What should I do? Should I listen to the message? Should I just delete it and finish cooking our dinner and wait for his arrival? We were going to marriage counseling to save our marriage and throughout every session, his main complaint was I didn’t trust him. Wouldn’t this just prove how much I really did trust him and our marriage if I just deleted the message? But…if I had been wrong this whole time and this one little message could reassure me, then wasn’t it worth listening to it? Of course it was worth it!! I would be able to work on my insecurities and our marriage if indeed this voice mail message was as innocent as he had been proclaiming for months!

With my hands trembling, I pressed play. That was the first time I heard “her” voice. My heart sank…my stomach clenched up….my throat felt like I had a huge mass of uncertainty stuck half way down….there it was…her voice…my husbands mistress! “Hey…It’s me. I really want to see you tonight. I know you are in counseling but call me when you are done. I’ve got an out! Anyway, call me….bye!”

The seductiveness rolled off of her tongue like a cheap phone sex operator. She was practically screwing him through the phone message! It felt dirty…it felt slimy….it felt devastating…it felt shocking…it felt like I could feel my whole world falling apart with every word this stranger spoke! I didn’t have much time to react or make a plan of how to handle the situation. My husband would be at our family home soon. There was no way I could sit there through dinner with our children, see the hopefulness in their eyes, and pretend the man across from me wasn’t the most cold-hearted, deceitful man I had ever met! First, I told my oldest to take the girls upstairs to their playroom and no matter what, don’t come downstairs! Then, I called my parents. I informed them I had confirmed the affair through a message, he was on his way to the house and they should probably come get the kids! Then, I waited to see the all too familiar headlights shine into the window as he pulled into the driveway!

When he pulled up I met him outside and climbed into the passenger seat of the truck. I asked him what her name was. He started spewing the same lies I had heard over and over again. I asked again, What is her name, but with more force this time! Men, if we are asking, trust me, more likely than not, we already know the answer! Once again, he denied any “other” woman and started telling me I was crazy! So in the most seductive, condescending voice I could muster, I said “Hey, It’s me. I really want to see you tonight!” I wish I had a video of his reaction. His face went from cocky to pure shock! He started yelling at me and said “Get the f**k out of my truck!” I said hell no, my name is on this bitch too! So he leaned over, opened the passenger door and tried to shove me out! I reached over, grabbed the keys and threw them over the fence into the neighbors backyard, that housed two very unfriendly German shepherds. I looked my lying husband in the eyes and said now you have no choice but to talk to me! Instead of being a man and telling me the truth, he called 911 to have the police come out and get his keys.

After he left, I called our phone carrier and asked for the last 5 numbers that called his phone. One of those were that of his mistress. I sat down on the bed, dialed the number and waited for her to answer. I didn’t know what I was going to say, but I knew I had to make that call. When she answered I could tell she was expecting my call. She was calm and relaxed. I’m sure my husband had called and informed her of how the evening had transpired. I told her who I was and asked her if she knew he was married. She said she did know. She also knew we had kids. I told her I wasn’t mad at her, she wasn’t the one I was married too, but I wanted her to know he was married and we had a family. I wanted her to know he was supposedly “working” on our marriage in counseling. I wanted her to know we were still being intimate up until that night. For all I knew, he had been lying to her as well. She told me she didn’t mind answering any questions so I asked her the biggest one…have you been intimate with my husband? She said, “No, but I can see it going that way?” My heart sank! So their relationship was more than friendship…even though she denied intimacy, it was most definitely not just a friendship! My final question was why she said “I have an out!” She said she lived with her parents.

It was after this conversation when I realized they both had been lying. Less than 24 hours later, I found out her name, her age, where she lived, where she worked and the truth…she was married and had a child! All I can say is the internet is a dangerous place…you can find out anything with the right investigational skills! And the biggest lie of them all…they worked together and that is where they had met…the fire station! While my husband was away from our family supposedly working, he was also building a relationship with another colleague. I was at home missing him and he was at work not giving two shits what was going on at home! All he cared about was his new, exciting relationship!

And his mistress! This woman sat on the phone with me and pretended to care. She told me to call her anytime. She knew she had power. She was seducing my husband and he was more than willing to open himself up to whatever she was offering! Both of them disgusted me! I was so angry at both of them! I knew her “out” she spoke of was not her parents, but it was her husband. So I decided I would tell her husband exactly what his wife was doing with my husband! I picked up the phone, called their home phone and left a message. I told him who I was and gave him my contact number. I told him our spouses were having an affair! Well, turns out he didn’t receive my message. She had her home phone disconnected so I was unable to contact her husband. She was determined to keep the affair a secret from her husband, but she was more than happy that I knew about it!

My husband called me later that night and told me I was crazy and he couldn’t believe I called her husband! Really? What in the hell did he expect? Did he expect me just to take it? He wanted me to be strong and be more like the woman I was when we first got married…why was he mad now that I was doing just that?

What I didn’t realize is this was my first contact with pure evil! This was just a glimpse of what she was capable of. She is the type of woman who actively seeks out married men! She loves the attention. She loves to be desired. She needs it…like you need oxygen to breath. Having a loving husband and a beautiful baby wasn’t enough for her. She needed more. She needed to be wanted and desired more than any other! I feel like she searched for the weakest man and she found him! A man that needed to feel powerful. A man who needed to be the center of attention & not share attention with kids. A man who didn’t want to think about responsibility. A man who just wanted to have sex without any other distractions….and she found him…my husband!

The night she attacked me just proves how terribly wrong an affair can go. Maybe I shouldn’t have left the message on her home phone, but I hardly consider that unreasonable when faced with this type of situation. She really should’ve expected to have someone tell her husband about her affair, especially when she was being so cocky when discovered by the wife! They both were selfish and started the affair for their own selfish reasons. Neither one of them contemplated the effects of the affair on their families. Neither one of them thought about the children before they climbed into bed with each other. They only cared about their own desires.

After the attack the rumor mill was rampant! My husband had no problems telling anyone who would listen I was lying, even though he openly started dating her in our small town! So let’s get this straight…BEFORE she stabbed me, you were “just” friends, but then AFTER she stabbed me, that made y’all closer!!! For the love of GOD….WHO IN THE HELL WOULD ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT CROCK OF CRAP!!!! I threatened to tell her husband once again but I was informed by my husband that I could tell him whatever I wanted…he thought I was just a crazy, jealous wife and he would NEVER believe what I had to say!

Never? That’s a long time!! Logically, I knew her husband would believe her word over mine because this was his wife, but how could I get him to believe the truth? He deserved better than this! He deserved more than having his wife laying in his own bed with my husband while he was at work! He deserved more than his son being included on “dates” with them! How could I get him to believe me! Then it hit me…I only believed it when I heard it with my own ears! So I set out on a mission. A mission that took 2 months to complete, but it was worth it, for both her husband and I!

Every woman asks this question when the affair comes to light. The emotional roller coaster you begin to ride is not one of choice, but nevertheless, you must ride it until the end! During the aftermath of the affair you can feel different everyday. One day you may feel hope, the next you may want to make your spouse disappear, then the next thing you know, your emotions bring you to complete and utter hopelessness! One thing is for certain, all women will at some point question themselves. What did I do? What can I change about me? Those are some really hard questions to ask yourself, but it’s even harder to answer them truthfully.

I went through the normal roller coaster ride of post-affair aftermath. During that time I did a lot of questioning of myself. Most of these doubts were spurred by my estranged husband. I remember in the beginning of what I now know was the end, we were sitting at the marriage counselor. She was asking us to tell her why we were there. I explained to her I thought he was seeing someone else. She questioned him and he denied seeing anyone. He called me crazy. He said I was insecure. He said I had lost it. He had “no clue” why I was doubting him, but I was pushing him away. He said “She is needy, she’s weak…I want the strong woman I married back!!” At this point I was feeling pretty low about myself. The counselor looked at him and said, ” I need my husband, but that doesn’t make me weak!” At that point, I knew we were on the same track…she knew he was being untruthful, now if would only admit it!

But I am not without blame. Like I said, I had to dig deep within myself and try to figure out what I could’ve done to make things different. My first two marriages ended out of my control, but I needed to know if I had any control in this one! I came to a conclusion….I expected too much! I had high expectations of marriage and how a man is a father.

When our baby girl was born, she was unexpectedly admitted into the NICU. It was the hardest 8 days of my life. I just wanted my baby to be healthy and home where she belonged. Instead of being supportive, my husband left and went back to work. This left me alone with 3 kids, pumping my breast around the clock, and going twice a day to the hospital which was a 45 minute drive from our house. I wasn’t allowed to drive since I had a tubal ligation the day she was born, so I had to depend on my parents to drive me to and from the hospital, as well as care for the other kids. My husbands parents left town the day after she was born because they weren’t allowed to visit her in the NICU. With him working 24 hour shift, it was all a little too much to deal with alone…but I did it! I survived! We all did…and I thought our marriage would make it through anything life had in store!

Our daughter was diagnosed with asthma within her first year of birth. She was in and out of the hospital…anytime she got a slight cold, we were back in the hospital! October 2004, right before we separated, she was admitted. I was working Home Health at the time and didn’t have “time off” with pay, so if I didn’t work, no money. My husband on the other hand could take one day off and be off all week. So the plan was for me to work during the day and he would stay with her. Then I would come back and stay all night with them. She spent 6 days in the hospital, including Halloween. I tried to make the best of it. I dressed her up as Snow White on Halloween and let her pass out candy to others! She had fun, that’s all that mattered! I won’t lie, it was stressful. I was working, coming to the hospital, sleeping in the bed with my 2 year old and being woken up every 2 hours when they would come in to do breathing treatments. Then back to work the next day! One of the last couple of days we were there, when I arrived at the hospital after work, my husband informed me his mother would be coming to the hospital to stay, he just needed to go home! I was so upset! My daughter didn’t know his mom that well. They didn’t live in town and didn’t make an effort to see her often enough to form a bond with her. 2 year olds are clingy…sick 2 year olds are EXTREMELY clingy! There was no way I wanted to leave her with his mom as sick as she had been! She didn’t know everything about her like we did. This is an example of me expecting too much out of my husband! I expected him to want to be there just as much as I wanted to be there! It was all I could do to walk out of those doors everyday for work, and if our livelihood didn’t depend on it, you can bet I would’ve been right there with my daughter the entire time! Looking back, I should’ve just let it go. Men are weak…especially men who keep everything locked up emotionally….they are the weakest. I guess I should’ve realized he was struggling with her illness and couldn’t deal with it, but I am not a mind reader! At the time, my daughter was my first priority and I didn’t have the time or the energy to try and analyze what was really going on in his head! I just needed him to be there for his daughter….I just needed him to be there for us…..but he couldn’t, he wasn’t!

In November that same year, my oldest daughter had a district cheer competition. She asked my husband to go. He told her he had to work, but he PROMISED her if they made it to Regionals in Orlando, he would go. Well, they made it! Regionals were in Orlando Thanksgiving weekend. We had planned to go to his parents for Thanksgiving dinner, then we would leave to go to the competition from there. He decided he didn’t want to go to the cheer competition. As a matter of fact, he refused! I begged, I pleaded, I got angry, I got sad, I cried….we went alone…just my two oldest girls and myself! He stayed with his parents and other two kids. When we got home after the weekend we had a huge fight! I was so mad at him! I knew my oldest daughter needed a positive male role model in her life. I assumed when we married he would be that guy since her dad was deceased. Needless to say, the argument was a big one. He made the comment that she didn’t need him there at the competition! I was trying to explain to him that she needed a dad figure in her life and I thought it was going to be him. He said she has a dad! When I spoke, I misspoke and he has never let me forget it!! What I said was “She would be better off if you were dead!”….what I meant was “If you weren’t there because you were dead, she would be better off!” Meaning…she wasn’t upset with her biological dad for not being there…it wasn’t a choice. But her stepdad made a promise and was now choosing to not see it through! Once again, this is something I could’ve changed! I can’t make him be a good father…I can’t make him be a good person….all I can do is be me! I needed to fight fair, but when I see my child disappointed, all logic goes out the window!

After I found the Panera receipts for breakfast for 2, I was fairly certain he was having an affair, but I needed to be sure! I needed cold, hard proof, and I intended to get it! You know what they say….A woman scorned does better work than an FBI agent! So off to work I went! Since I had set up his cell phone and voice mail password, I helped myself to his voicemail. I had it set up to when someone left a voicemail on his phone, it also left a duplicate….on mine! 🙂

One night in January I had a marriage counselor session alone and then he had one following mine. Then, he was coming home to eat a family dinner (he was living with his sister at this point). I was at home cooking our dinner. Right when he was due to walk out of the counseling session, 6:01 to be exact, my voice mail pings! I stopped and stared at my phone…did I really want to know? What should I do? OMG….what if it’s ….HER!!!!!