On Vacation in Gran Canaria (Canary Islands/Spain)Photo by Paul Schuberth

The 1970’s: My childhood with GodThe first ecstatic experience with God – at school

If there was something I really hated in my school days, then it was doing pieces of needlework. Ugh!
On a hot summer day in July I sat sweating and squirming next to my more talented classmates in the attic of our old schoolhouse which was heated up like a sauna. The needle between my fingers slipped more than once over the fabric and the cross stitches I produced were anything but decent. Looking to my friends, I saw that they were almost ready and that their works looked terrific.

Since I have always been a perfectionist, I felt stressed. “Hurry up!” the teacher said, “there are only ten minutes left.”
Silently Susanne prayed, “Please, dear God, help me!”
Alas, nothing extraordinary happened.
I tried everything I could, but I was too slow. Sweating and almost weeping, I startled up as the teacher urged, “Just two minutes to go!”
My second prayer was not as polite as the first one. “Dear God, You MUST help me!!!”
What happened then?
A miracle.

Not the miracle I hoped it would be. No, it was something far better than that. Although my work was not yet ready, and the piece of needlework looked nothing much, I didn’t care a pap for it.
Since at that very moment when I had been feeling so anxious and stressed that I started weeping, so that I was no longer able to see what I had to do, GOD suddenly hemmed me in, behind and before. He comforted my restless heart with His deep peace in a kind of trance through His first ecstatic embrace I experienced in my life. I felt His presence all around my body, in the whole room, and in me as well. There was so much love inside of me that I couldn’t help but utter a shout of delight… not thaaat loud. 😉

Afterwards I felt entirely satisfied (body, soul, and mind), and I realized how unimportant school was, particularly with regard to such a wonderful encounter with our Creator.
In fact, the relationship I had with God as a child was wonderful. I also recall feeling His Spirit accompanying me on my way to and especially from school when I was dawdling, somehow lost in my daydreams. He was always there. And every evening in bed I prayed to Him because I could always only sleep after my prayers.

1995 – 2008: Years of the WildernessFinding and losing Jesus’ presence, a near death experience, and the Baptism in the Holy Spirit

I remember a certain day in December, I think it was in 1995 or 1996, when I was playing piano/keyboard all alone at home. In fact, I have always loved worshipping the Lord with songs by playing and singing at the same time because my spirit had often been lifted off the ground.
But that very day had been somehow different from others. Although I was used to playing for some hours without any interruption in the congregation I was joining at that time, I could feel doubtlessly that there would happen something new to me.
While playing and singing a simple song I had written a few weeks before, an undeniable power began to overwhelm me as a whole. I was feeling deep, inexpressible joy taking hold of my body which could not help but constantly playing a short piece of the song, again and again…
After repeating only a part of a line which said, “Reveal Yourself to us,” I became suddenly convinced that Jesus would reveal Himself – to me. Finally, I couldn’t sing or speak any more and I stopped playing, too. My body was exhausted but my spirit was flying somewhere where our heart’s home opened the door for the very first time.
However, the only thing I could glimpse of heaven, respectively of Jesus’ presence at that day, was a sort of foggy magnetic light creeping through our home. I recall standing at the kitchen door, looking in the direction of the bedroom which is only a few meters away. The light “stood” in a kind of cloud in front of the bedroom and I asked Jesus for being allowed to draw nearer, yet I was kind of frozen at the kitchen door. The fear of God’s real and holy presence didn’t allow me to approach Him.
From that day on, I was waiting for another, greater revelation, and I admit that I was disappointed more than once about the fact that God didn’t meet my requirements. Nonetheless, I never ceased praying for a revelation of His awesome presence.

At Christmas in the year of 1998 I was lying in bed because I had been seriously ill. Physical pain all over, particularly in the head region rendered sleep an impossible thing to do. And thus I was praying all night long. Notwithstanding the pain, I would become overjoyed while praying to Jesus. It was far more joy than I had ever experienced before, and I gratefully confessed to Him, “Lord, what if Your glory didn’t exist?”
Unexpectedly, I saw Him – in my own spirit – on the right side standing beside me. He was smiling and said, “I am going to show you now how much you have seen of my glory so far.”
As I was still wondering about this mysterious statement, I felt a great power drawing me quickly out of my body. Catapulted through a huge dark and empty storehouse of sorts, I was moving head first toward a mini-bay in a distant wall which limited the building. Behind that hole in the wall there was some light to be seen. But it looked like a pocket flashlight compared with the dark room I had still been in.
Suddenly, I felt that I had left the huge room. High speed was over. And I found myself behind the “pocket flashlight”, which was a short channel I had just been slipping through. Now I was placed in a vertical position, not having any ground underneath my feet and no heaven above.
Only Light.
And Love.
Pure bliss – and no pain any more.
After a few seconds or maybe a few minutes, I don’t know exactly, the whole event was over, and I was drawn feet first back into my own body, that is, into the dark storehouse with its pocket flashlight experiences.
That experience was a so-called NDE, a near death experience, as you might know.

In the summer of 2000 I faced the ruins of my life. Almost every area of life had been broken to pieces with a vengeance I almost couldn’t bear.
One evening I was extremely desperate because I saw no sense and no hope for my future life any more. As I was praying in the bathroom, I felt another kind of power coming over me; it was not relieving at the very first moment but it made me scream in pain for the Lord. I was repeatedly crying out – once again, “Reveal Yourself to me, Jesus!!!!!” And I was weeping all the time while I was knocking desperately on Heaven’s door.
Later, tired of weeping and praying, I would sleep for about two or three hours. But then I felt that “something” raised me out of my sleep. What had happened? Looking around in the bedroom I sensed a deep calmness floating toward me. Overwhelmingly quiet at heart, my tears had dried up. No mental pain was disturbing the revelation which should follow. Albeit I had already been content about my quiet soul and heart, I was listening with joy that cannot be expressed to the sweetest and most tender voice I have ever heard before.
Jesus said, “You are the bride.”
Afterwards I fell down on my knees next to the bed, weeping of joy and thankfulness to the Lord who saved me out of a hopeless situation, regardless my own sinful condition in those days.

The following years would be years of the wilderness, years of searching Him, finding and losing His presence time after time. Doubts and fears reappeared as if I had never experienced anything with God. After several mental breakdowns, I tried to live my life without Him since I could not bear His absence after another overwhelming revelation of His presence anymore. Admittedly, I was often rather angry with Jesus for seemingly having left me all alone in the wilderness.

But beginning with the year 2008, I felt Him coming nearer and nearer, not knowing HOW I felt it, but it was different from all those things I had come to know from Him before. It was a both blissful and fearful period. God revealed His love to me, yet simultaneously convicted me of all my sins in the past of which I had not been aware at all. The fear of God became part of my own spirit and I began to hate sin from then on. Afterwards I never felt sooo miserable before God and mankind again as I realized that I was the worst sinner on earth, just as the apostle Paul had said. This period is also called the justification process – a really painful time, as Martin Luther, for example, confirmed.

Finally, in November 2008, as I broke down mentally once again, I cried out to Jesus with the fear to be lonely again after a few months during which I had become used to live in His permanent presence and where I had been able to hear His voice so clearly.
But Jesus answered, ” I will never leave you again.”
And He kept His promise. Since that time I was able to hear Him 24/7.

Eventually, in the night before New Year’s Eve of 2008 God filled my dark storehouse with His own light, i.e., I received Christ through the Baptism in the Holy Spirit which is the beginning of the sanctification process.
It was another night when I was praying in bed with my eyes firmly closed. Without knowing why I suddenly felt compelled to open my eyes and to look upwards, I saw from top right above me a bright light floating through my whole body, beginning with my head, then pouring into every part downward, however small we might consider it. From tip to toe, powerful but tender and warm waves of light and love, frequently beginning anew from above, were flooding eternal bliss into my heart, soul, and body.

This was the first time I felt what His Holiness feels like, and I am not able to describe it. But that event left me completely speechless and grateful toward our wonderful God – our Father, His Son and the Holy Spirit.

A few months later…Meeting the Christ of Revelation, the Son of God

It was during the summer of 2009 when I went swimming with my family on the lakeside (Rothsee) at the weekend. The weather was too fine, that is, it was awfully hot, and after I had swum, I was relaxing in a deckchair in the shadow of a tree. My eyes were closed in order to shut out the light and I was praying or rather talking with Jesus.

[Note: That was a time when Jesus was healing my bipolar disorder. As soon as I felt depressive, He made me laugh. And when my mood was flying too high into the sky, Jesus thwarted me with the fear of God. Apart from that, He had already previously cast out my paranoid anxieties in the same way as described in the Bible where our Lord had cast out demons of all kinds. The latter experience was a bit disconcerting to me since those scary demons, in fact, tried to return into their house from which they had originally come (Mt 12:43-45) for many weeks. But the Lord protected me and finally it was over. And thus I felt more and more balanced over time.]

Well, lying in my chair I began to chuckle because of another joke Jesus had made. In such moments I was convinced that He is my best friend and brother who somehow meets me at eye level. I enjoyed the view onto the lake, the sun and the shadow, the birds’ twittering, and the laughing of the children all around us.
I was just looking at Jesus’ face in my spirit – still in a funny mood – when His facial expression stunningly changed. [It is anything but easy to describe what I saw at that moment, yet I try hard to do it, though.]
Jesus did or said nothing special. The only thing that happened was that He was breathing out twice. Very deeply, visibly, and audibly.
With His first breath, I began to tremble with fear like a tiny sparrow which was just falling out of its nest. It seemed to me as if an invisible fire would come out of Jesus’ mouth as well [at least I felt it burning not only in my heart but all over my body too]. Suddenly everything I had been aware of before – including nature and all the people around me – was eclipsed completely. The only secure existence was CHRIST. Nothing else was of any interest any more.
As Jesus breathed out for the second time, I fell into a state I had never experienced before. I “saw” that He is the real God who has the whole world in His strong hands, and that we are His though little but beloved creatures. Nature including human “flesh”, of which I had thought it would be awesome before, has turned into nothing but dust and ashes for me from then on. It will be destroyed as quickly as it was created. And He will make all things new (Rev 21:5)…

I cannot explain what I really “saw”, but it was Christ’s majesty, His overwhelming power and authority over all things that made me wonder how I could have been fascinated by anything else but Him before. I believe that “awesome” in its original – not colloquial – sense refers to God alone and never to any human being.

After that experience I was for several hours in a sort of trance. Although my body was still on earth, I almost didn’t feel it. On the one hand, there was paradoxically a kind of heavy load that weighed me down to the ground which caused me to move slowly like a snail [because all my physical power was gone] and it was extremely demanding to simply open my mouth in order to utter only a few words. Therefore, I kept a stony silence. But on the other hand, I can say that I had never felt more spiritually levitating and safe all around than in those awesome hours. Since God had rescued that little sparrow quasi “in flight” long before it could touch the ground.

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72 thoughts on “MY TESTIMONY”

Awesome experience, my sister. I am sure that those who have only known dead religion would be critical of you as they read this, but some of us who have pursued Jesus with all our hearts have had similar dreams and experiences that have either warned us of the times of testing about to come upon us or they were there to help take us through those times. God is soooo good and I can tell you with hindsight that when Jesus seemed the furthest from us and things were the darkest, He had us hidden in the shadow of His mighty wings and was doing deep surgery on our hearts. Thanks for sharing these intimate stories of your love for Him.

Actually, it has been difficult to share those intimate stories with others, and these things which really happen between God and me cannot be shared publicly, maybe only on a private level if others experience similar things and do not yet know how to classify these overwhelming touches of Heaven.

You said, “God is soooo good…”. Yes and amen to that. The better I know Him, the more I love Him. Not that I could do so on my own, but there is something that makes me wonder, “How could I NOT love Him who is so merciful and gracious toward us?”

Yes, Susanne. As you said, “How could I NOT love Him who is so merciful and gracious toward us?” Or as Paul put it, “What shall we say if we neglect so great a salvation?” Not loving in kind as we are loved is truly neglect of a relationship.

You said, “God is real and so are you, my sister.” Pat, that is the best thing I have heard in a long time. I so appreciate your words because you write with such a loving tenderness that shows that the Lord is guiding you. My dear sister, you are sooo precious to Him!

Wow Suzanne! What a powerful story. I love how you have this documented with all of the details. Thank you for putting this out there. I can feel the presence of God in your blog. So, I don’t think you need to worry about being alone. You’re clearly not.

I’ve also had some pretty amazing spiritual experiences. I feel the presence of God’s love when I meditate/pray. It’s pretty powerful stuff. Better than any drug, which I’m now off of, thanks be to God.

I also had some rough years starting in 2008. As hard as they were I wouldn’t be in the place I am today if I hadn’t gone through it. We sometimes have to go through the dark to appreciate the light.

Again, thank you for documenting your experiences. They’re important for this world.

Oh, Lorlinda – you cannot imagine how much your comment has blessed me! Thanks a bunch!!

Reading your blog, I saw that you truly have a way with words, and what I also love about your writing is your transparency, your openness toward everyone, and your loving kindness. I am so glad to hear that you had amazing spiritual experiences as well. You were exactly right by saying that we can feel the presence of God’s love while meditating or praying. Yes, it is so good to know where LOVE can be found, isn’t it… 😉

So true, too: “We sometimes have to go through the dark to appreciate the light.” Indeed, I realized that the deeper the darkness was, the brighter was the light that followed. But I know how difficult it is to believe THIS when we are in the midst of such a dark period in our life. By the way, I shared one of my experiences as to coming out of the darkness into the light of His comforting love in one of my poems. If you like to check it out, see Susanne Schuberth’s Poetry – Where Roses Melt into the Air.

Lorlinda, I never heard “Tons of Sister love” before, but that is so lovely! The same to you, my sister! Your visit on my blog has been a gift from God and a true blessing for me. Thanks again! ❤

Thank you Susanne. It feels good to be a blessing. I think we both have a way with words. It’s one of our many gifts, and gifts are meant to be shared. Thank you for sharing. Your Soul Sister, Lorlinda 🙂

One of my many gifts? Oh, Lorlinda – that’s music to my ears since I have always been struggling with self doubts. Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful heart on my blogs. I do FEEL that you know God.

Try looking at your work from another’s perspective, or pretend that it was written by some one else. It will help get you past all that doubt. And when you do – watch out! You’re going to see something pretty amazing. Hang in there girlfriend – you’re putting out some amazing work! Lorlinda ❤

Yup, that is a good suggestion, trying to look at my work from another’s perspective. And indeed, that's the way I usually read my stuff as soon as I have published it. It really feels as if another person had written all of it. And I often wonder where the ideas to publish certain things might have sprung from.

Just for clarification, before I begin to write I have many things on my mind, but as soon as I truly start with typing, my mind is emptied. Often times completely unless I have at least a topic on my mind. Therefore I am always forced to wait until inspiration comes to me – or not – and that is not easy since it cannot be planned. To be honest, that is something Susanne does not like at all 😛
While writing, instead, I am mostly enthusiastic about the things God reveals to me. But after publishing articles, poems, or comments on other sites, I am usually not interested in reading "my" words again. Everything I ever wrote bores me to death UNLESS God brings the words written there back to life, as Jesus once said,

“It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life.” (Jn 6:63 ESV)

In fact, I do not doubt that the things I wrote have a divine source, yet since I cannot link them to having done my writings on my own [for I do know from my own experience that I am not able to DO anything ‘spiritual’ apart from Him, cf. Jn 15:5], there always remains a certain insecurity as to what I might have “done” (written) here or elsewhere, that is, regarding the effects on those who read it.

If you like to check it out, too, I wrote about that bizarre process of inspiration here.

Susanne, I agree with Lorlinda. What you have shared on your blog has been a great help to me. Self doubt is a struggle for me too, but I’m quite surprised that you struggle with it too because your writing is so inspired. 🙂

Thanks a million for your encouragement and for saying that you find my writing inspired! 🙂

I’m so glad that God helped you through what I wrote since I know that I can’t help anyone, even though I would love to. And let me tell you on here that your confirmation (in the recent past) of God having helped you with some articles encouraged me that much so that I could go on with writing afresh. If I never got some feedback about it, I would certainly be extremely discouraged. The Body of Christ is ONE. And whatever each of us does – small or insignificant in our own eyes – it is ALL of the same worth in His eyes.

Lorlinda and Susanne, thanks for letting me in on this exchange of sisterly love you share. I feel like I belong as well. I am so glad that Paul wrote, “there is neither male nor female: for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” I love what God is doing in all of us, don’t you?

Meanwhile I have given up on asking the Lord whether or not I could write such a testimony as the one above for the whole time beginning in 2009 until now. Yet I must tell you – I can’t, my brother!!! Not only that I cannot remember anything in particular that I experienced with Him since – although it was lot, even more than before – unless He reminds me of certain experiences. And that did happen, indeed.

If you have a close look at the left side of my homepage, you can read there “CHOICE OF CURRENT CATEGORIES”. A bit further below you can find “My Spiritual Diary” and “My Testimony” immediately afterwards. Currently there are 11 entries in both categories, namely the same blog posts. If you click on one of them, you could find parts of my testimony in these 11 blog posts. I also remember that a certain part of my heavenly experiences with God and Jesus was written in a comment exchange between you and me on “The Burden of False Guilt”.

Of course, it would be easier if there was more “logic” behind the order and structure of my articles. However, being Spirit-driven is not an easy thing for me, either. As I intended to translate my German spiritual diary into the English language, I posted the first part – and that was it. To be honest, Michael, I never understand God’s guidance regarding these things. I am so sorry that I can’t offer a better solution yet. 😕

A wonderful testimony of your encounter, Susanne. I cannot say I have ever experienced anything like this, but I think that Jesus meets each of us in the way that we need to be met. I often feel my heart and mind quickened with overwhelming love as I read and study Scripture and as my mind becomes open to a new insight or understanding. I wonder if this might be similar.

Yeah, you’re absolutely right “that Jesus meets each of us in the way that we need to be met”. We have one thing in common and that is JESUS, the Way, although the ways he is leading each of us are different. But we all have the same goal, haven’t we…

What you said about being overwhelmed with love when you gain new insight while reading Scripture, yes, I am sure that is the same Spirit of God who touches your heart. I know that feeling, too! Makes me so grateful toward God who even teaches us Himself – gratuitously at that, simply because He loves us.

Sussane, you wrote that, “It was another night when I was praying in bed with my eyes firmly closed. Without knowing why I suddenly felt compelled to open my eyes and to look upwards, I saw from top right above me a bright light floating through my whole body, beginning with my head, then pouring into every part downward, however small we might consider it. From tip to toe, powerful but tender and warm waves of light and love, frequently beginning anew from above, were flooding eternal bliss into my heart, soul, and body.

This was the first time I felt what His Holiness feels like, and I am not able to describe it. But that event left me completely speechless and grateful toward our wonderful God – our Father, His Son and the Holy Spirit.”

This is awesome Sussane, your testimony reminds me of my own experience, when I suffered with a chronic Kidney infection for quite some time. At a point, it seems that all hope is lost, some people even began to think that maybe I am suffering from the consequency of a “a secret sin”, I prayed and even tried to confess any known sin to God, yet, to no avail! Rifht at the point of giving hope, one day, early in the morning, as I lay on my bed meditating on some scriptures, suddenly, I felt a strong presence of the Holy Spirit rushing down on me like a wind and that ” strange” presence which later understood to be the very presence and holiness of God entered me from my head until it, or rather I will say He filled all parts of my body. Immediately, I rose up and felt a new strength, then a voice said to me “your healing has come” and I began to do what I couldn’t do before. Since then, I became free from the Kidney disease. I strongly believe that my heavenly Father came down with a brand new kidney for me. Hallelujah! God is real and your experiences I believe, are real. Thank you for opening your heart for us to drink from your wealth of dealings with Father God. As I conclude this, your story reminds me of what God told the Israelites in Deuteronomy 8:2-5 saying;

“And you shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and to test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. 3 So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord. 4 Your garments did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years. 5 You should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so the Lord your God chastens you.”

That excerpt from Deuteronomy nails it since it seems to describe part of my story with God, indeed. Great choice of Scripture, Hosea! 🙂

Thank you both for your encouraging words and for sharing that wonderful part of your own testimony when God healed you in a supernatural way. Awesome!! It appears to me you received a particular anointing from God back then. I recall having written about such anointings and the Baptism of the Holy Spirit in an article which includes a longer testimony from Charles G. Finney. If you’re interested, below is the link, dear brother.

Hello Susanne,
What a tremendous testimony and spiritual experience you had with our God and Savior! As Michael said, to those who only know the religious system such manifestations might seem “rare,” 😉 actually, in times past during my first years walking with the Lord, when I was still part of a religious system, I would have thought the same. But since the Lord called me to come out to have a direct personal fellowship through his son Jesus, I could get to know and experience His love, His protection, and His guidance in my own life and in my family’s. How unfathomable are His ways!!!

You’re so welcome. Many thanks for your words of encouragement, my dear and precious sister in Christ. ❤

Oh yes, His ways are infathomable and we never know what lies ahead of us.

Indeed, the Roman Catholic Church was not pleased with my testimony in written form (a fat book 😛 ) and they thought my experiences were too personal. Instead, they rather wanted to read something everybody could (more) easily understand…

Love you so much,
Susanne xoxo

(Translated from Spanish into the English language by Susanne Schuberth)

Dear Susanne, your comment on the RCC wanting you to write “something that everybody could more easily understand” is quite revealing on what is wrong with religion and those over and in it! Think about this mindset and compare it with what Jesus prayed to His father concerning all things that pertain to the Kingdom of Heaven…

“I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will. (Luke 10:21 [ESV])

Sorry, but it seems that God is not so interested in communicating in a way that “everybody” understands.

“Father, I will that they also, whom thou hast given me, be with me where I am; that they may behold my glory, which thou hast given me: for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world. O righteous Father, the world hath not known thee: but I have known thee, and these have known that thou hast sent me. And I have declared unto them thy name, and will declare it: that the love wherewith thou hast loved me may be in them, and I in them.”(John 17:24-26 [KJV])

Susanne, isn’t it so wonderful that we who are HIS have in us the same love that our Daddy shares with Jesus? ❤

It might not have been the wording I used above, but basically the RCC wanted to publish something which could “help” everyone to…well, get closer to God….or to the Church only? That is the question I’d raise today. Everything that would free people from going to church would mean the Church loses money, right? Actually, there was a priest who was really interested in what I had written, however, as a priest he had not much to say in that clerical hierarchy.

Once, again, Michael, you quoted those Scriptures I had on my mind as well. Isn’t that wonderful how God leads us? 😉 Yup, same love…..it’s both a miracle and a mystery.

Susanne, I read your whole testimony on here again. When I got to the part about you being drawn into that “pocket flashlight” beam of light into His presence I started weeping and crying out to Jesus to reveal Himself to me as He has done to you. I continued to read and pray for every experience that He has given you. Now I must go and get away to pray for a while. Thank you for “putting salt in my oats” so that I would seek His presence in my life more earnestly. I love you and Him for letting me get to know you in this way,
Michael ❤

Thanks for the link Susanne – an exceptionally remarkable and blessed testimony (and at a cost!). Your reference to ‘pocket flashlight’ reminds me of the small, distant light in a dark night sky that suddenly swooped down towards me in 1989 – just like watching an aircraft from miles away approach its runway. But I knew inwardly it was the Lord of Heavenly Hosts Himself (http://wp.me/p1Y1yB-73u refers).

You’re very welocme, Richard. Thank you, likewise, for the link to your amazing experiences. Wow – impressive!! And yes, the fear of God is a precious thing we need to have experienced on our own, as you clearly did in your dream.

I know this is old but I am going trough your posts from the beginning. You mentioned bipolar disorder. I don’t think I have that or didn’t until now. I mean something like this ” As soon as I felt depressive, He made me laugh. And when my mood was flying too high into the sky, Jesus thwarted me with the fear of God. ” is going on for me right now. I don’t know why but maybe now I do.

Fred, that was only a very short description of how the Lord helped me in several situations. Nonetheless, I still had hours or days where I only shed tears without knowing why or I was in extremely good spirits while still focused on my old self. When being manic, it was all about ME and what God could do through the little ME. 😉 It has been a very long time of healing and I saw that the roots of depression go far since they are affiliated with death and letting go. Not our own death, necessarily, but the death of those we love, the “death” of what went wrong in our lives and of what we cannot change, and so on. I hope you’ll get the picture.

Meanwhile I think we are only through it all when we have received new divine life through Christ’s resurrection power in our hearts after having died to self completely.

This was very good, Susanne. The key, it seems, is to have a new heart AND a new mind that is stayed on Christ as our All. As soon as my mind goes back to thinking about me and my problems it is a downward spiral and depressive feelings soon follow. I think that Paul said it best,

“Be anxious for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” (Phil 4:6-8, KJ2000)

Oh yes, Michael, I know these depressive feelings too, both when I think of past events and of future fears! 😦

I always loved these verses you quoted above. However, I often wondered why it needs so long – and so many prayers – until we get rid of anxieties and feel His peace again. If we had no fears, God would not have told us that often, “Do not fear…” And it is clear to me that He must set us free from everything that keeps tormenting our minds and hearts. Only a new heart AND a new mind will do, as you perfectly said above, my brother. BTW, I intentionally dropped the part with the new mind in my reply to Fred and, lo and behold, you saw it and complemented it. 😉

Here is another one of my favorite Scriptures which you gave me last year which keeps giving me hope when I am in fears (and tears) again.

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” (Ps 34:4 ESV)

Wow Michael and Susanne both your replies today are perfectly what I needed. I have been feeling a lot of anxieties today. Part of it is feeling like I made a huge mistake on a facebook reply and upset some one. It was the truth but I probably should have said it.

I know such problems, both regarding FB and as to answers on here, too, Fred. You are not alone… If we indedd listen to God before, it can happen that we upset someone, though. And it is difficult to take their reactions NOT personally, then.

“Beautiful testimony, Susanne, I feel identified with it. I have had very similar experiences in feeling and seeing the presence of the Lord in a real and wonderful way. But I also experienced the withdrawal of His presence in some moments, that is death, not feeling it was hell for me, but it was necessary, the Lord had to teach me many things and discipline me for others.

I also experienced the dark night of my soul and experienced the freedom of Christ.

When my husband died, I began to experience OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder, and the day I knelt down to pray, my prayer was a heartbreaking prayer to the Lord for His freedom and the Lord made me completely free.

Then I began to suffer from insomnia due to anxiety, this anxiety came from my childhood for many reasons and it was also heartbreaking that experience, I felt that I was going to go crazy, but finally the Lord freed me in a glorious way. Glory to the Lord for His mercy and love! I experienced His love in such a real way, that at that moment I did not want to return, it was like a vision and I saw Jesus kneeling next to me, hugging me and crying with me, telling me that he loved me in a special way, that I was His lily. It was wonderful, I do not tell almost anyone, because many people do not understand.

And so have been several experiences, which at some point I will write, if the Lord wants it. But your beautiful testimony today blessed my life.

I am so sorry to hear about these many trials you had to go through in your whole life! 😦 But I am relieved to see that our Lord delivered you out of them all. Experiencing the death of a loved one has really been the hardest issue for me, too. You lost your precious husband, your great love, and we lost our only son, David. Nobody who did not go through similar things will ever understand. It is the same with our heavenly experiences with God. There is not even a handful of people with whom we can share it. I know that some Christians long to have such experiences, but alas, nothing ever happens. On the other hand, you and I knnow how many different kinds of suffering and trials we have had to go though as well. It is a costly thing to really follow the Living God by carrying our crosses daily. As for our heavenly experiences: Jesus called you His Lily – THAT is precious ❤ ❤ ❤ and I heard God call me ‘the bride’ which, to a Native English speaker might sound strange in the beginning as the bride are many. But He did not call me ‘His bride’ or ‘The bride’; instead, it was an endearing term that showed the closeness of His walk and min in the days ahead. It also has meant a lot of suffering of any kind, sufferings most people, even Chrisitans, never come to know as they are only spiritually discernible. Nonetheless, they are very, very painful to endure.

As for sharing our wonderful and heavenly experiences with people, I am reminded of our Lord’s words and admonition.

“Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.” (Mt 7:6 ESV)

I was happy to hear that you were blessed by my testimony, my dear sister. 🙂

Susanne, After seeing Patricia had commented on your testimony, I read it carefully and thoughtfully once again. It was a great encouragement to me, even more so than when I read it the first time almost five years ago.

I am coming up on the beginning of my 50th year since He filled me with His Spirit in June of 1970 where I also had many wonderful personal touches and experiences with Him. Reading your story was a great encouragement that I might spend more time alone in prayer with Him. It also made me want to pray for you even more that Jesus would once again visit you in a very real and personal way in these days that you are being disturbed by demonic activity all around you, robbing you of your peace and rest.

I just want you to know that I see you as a special gift from our Father to the whole earth and not just to me as you have been for the last five plus years. Seeing you as HE sees you in an unselfish way as I read your testimony once again was good for me. Thanks for all your prayers. You will always be special to me and even more so as I see you as HE does. ⭐

I feel honored the way you see me and I am very thankful for your many prayers, esp. for the one you mentioned here about another manifestation of Jesus that might strengthen me as I currently experience myself only weak and tired out by our new neighbors (partykids 24/7). Noise at night for a few weeks now, even the the police seems to be helpless, BUT GOD…? 🙄 My only hope is in Him and therefore I keep praying and waiting for Him to finally intervene here. Continued lack of sleep wears you out, indeed. It is difficult for me to find the proper words at the moment as my mind does not work as usual.

You have been a very special gift, a precious blessing, and a treasure from God, Michael, not only for me but for all those who have come to know you though your writings. I am glad you could glean something from my testimony once again. Sometimes it seems to be sooooo long ago that all these wonderful experiences happened to me… 🙄

My dear brother, I need to admit that I stumbled over this, “I see you as a special gift from our Father to the whole earth and not just to me as you have been for the last five plus years.” That has clearly been too much for me. If I have only touched a few lives through my writings and helped these people find a new access to God through Christ, then I will be more than happy! 🙂

Michael, you are very welcome as to all the prayers I can pray. Thanks be to God, you are and will be my special friend forever.

When the natural man in me finds a treasure laying along a walk or in a field he wants to pick it up and keep it all to himself. I remember how you are not that way. When you found a pendant on one of your walks you hung it on a limb so that it would be easier to see so the person who lost it could more easily find it again. This is as it should be. What I am saying is that you have been such a gift from God, I wanted to keep you for myself and this makes room for the enemy to come in (even in my dreams).

So, when I say that you are a gift from our Daddy to the whole world, I mean that just as John 3:16 says it, “…that WHOMSOEVER would believe in HIM…, THEY would be the ones to see Christ in you and open their hearts to who He is in you.” It is Jesus who is that Treasure hidden in the field, our very hearts.

Growing from glory to glory IN HIM with you,
Your brother in the Son forever,
Michael ❤

BTW, I am praying that our Daddy soon makes it evident to you and Paul what His solution is to your living conditions will be. I feel strongly that a change for the better regarding your peace and rest is coming soon.
Michael

“Thank you Susanne for those beautiful words. How hard this is with your son, losing a child must be extremely painful. My husband was the only child, I can not imagine the pain of my mother-in-law. Only the Lord can give us consolation and hope, really only the Lord can help us transcend pain. That’s right, carrying His cross daily is very costly, but it’s worth it. You are the bride and I the lily, how beautiful Jesus is.

To truly find people who understand what we live and have experienced is a miracle and a blessing that only the Father can give us.

I made a big mistake in trusting people, thinking that they were spiritual and very mature, but it was not so, my Lord showed me that I was wrong and should learn the lesson and I should learn more to listen to His voice about it. I opened my house to people to whom I should have not who were Christians and that was also a big mistake. So now I am more careful and I ask the Lord to help me to close my mouth and not to open my heart or my house to whom I should not, even if they are called brothers. Many times I shared the profound things that the Lord taught me and experienced and it was a big mistake, many people took it badly, they judged me and many did not even take me seriously. God has had to teach me about it and with pain I have learned it.

The Lord taught me that just as the intimacy of the spouses is kept secret, so it is with those deep things that the Lord allows us to experience with Him. Only those whom He wants can we share them, but really they are very few.

It fills me with great joy to see the beautiful friendship of Michael and you, may the Lord also grant me this. I love you in Christ.

I will be praying dear sister for what ails you, only the Lord knows our losses.

I love you too. Thanks for your friendship and affection. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO”

I was impressed by this special insight the Lord has given you here. You said,

“The Lord taught me that just as the intimacy of the spouses is kept secret, so it is with those deep things that the Lord allows us to experience with Him. Only those whom He wants can we share them, but really they are very few.”

AMEN! That was so very good!! ⭐

Oh, how different is today’s world from this divine standard as every secret matter is being drawn into the public. This is really ugly!

I agree with you that only the Lord can comfort us in our losses. Thank you so much for your prayers, my dear sister. I also will be praying for you and for your mother-in-law as well. As for God’s love and comfort regarding David, our son, you could check out this part of my testimony if you have time to do so:

What you said about your mistake with other ‘Christians’, I made the same mistake. One day two bloggers whom I had only met online before rang the bell as they wanted to visit me. If I had listened to God’s leading, I would have not opened the door at all. However, as I thought that was impolite, I let them in and then I had to fight those demons they brang along for about two weeks until our flat was peaceful again. If you like to see my description here, just follow the link beneath.

Susanne and Patricia, your exchange has been a blessing to me. Susanne wrote:

“Oh, how different is today’s world from this divine standard as every secret matter is being drawn into the public. This is really ugly! “

You make a very good point here, my dear sister. This is so obvious in politics and anyone that is in the public eye here in America. Our news media feeds on any kind of sin that a public figure is accused of. They do not even check to see if it is true and the gullible public feeds on it as well. How different this is from those who abide in the love of God. In Proverbs we read,

“Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.” (Prov 17:9, ESV2011)

You are right, Susanne. It is very ugly and Satan is behind this and his whole mode of operation is to divide and conquer especially in the body of Christ. It is so sad that in the “church” it is the same as in the world when it should be a place of love, understanding and restoration. Paul wrote,
“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Gal 6:1-2, ESV2011)

What is the meaning of “Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted?” He is addressing sin working in a heart that would rise up and accuse another out of pride without desiring restoration of the one who was caught in the devil’s web. Pride is a very ugly motivation. The following verses make it clear where the temptation is in the would be restorer,

“For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. But let each one test his own work [his own actions and motivation], and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor…” (Gal 6:3-5, ESV2011)

Susanne, I grew up with a mother that did the opposite of everything these verses reveal about the love of God flowing in a heart. This wrong example in my life has been hard to overcome, but you have been such a shining example to me of how the love of God should operate in a heart that belongs to Him. What a blessing you are!

You are a treasure! 💎 As I told Patricia in another short reply just now, I apologize for not being able to reply in kind as my time is short and I need all my strength at the moment to seek God in my latest trials. Also, I have been fighting ill health since last night, too.

“My God, Michael, what you said caught my attention, I also grew up with a mother who did not have the love of God in her heart, only a religious heart, God has worked in my life for a long time about this matter, because the Lack of love in a mother is hard to overcome, but the Lord has had mercy on me and I know that over the years she has been able to deal with Mama’s heart, even if she lacks a little more.

The Lord told me one day to receive His love through the people He sent and that I would restore my life in that area. They have been hard times of much confrontation and ministry on the part of God, but I could forgive my father and my mother too and I have been able to love her with the love of Jesus perfected in me and now I can see her with His eyes and there is no longer that anger in my life for her.

And it gives me joy to be able to tell you both, which I can not do with the acquaintances here.

What you said caught my attention, too. 😉 What hit me about your today’s relationship with your mom was what you wrote here,

“…now I can see her with His eyes”

I would not say that I have been enabled to see others with His eyes on a permanent basis yet, but I had a heavenly revelation about how Jesus sees others about 18 years ago. My sister, I was not sure whether it was a good idea to offer this link to you as it is part of my testimony that includes my husband. So, if reading this makes you hurt in any way, please, don’t read it! Yet just in case, here is the link.

I am sorry, dear Patricia, as I have had some WordPress problems lately. There was a reply from Michael to you in my trash folder since March 3, 2019. As I just tried to approve it several times, it disappeared completely. I apologize to you for the inconvenience. 😦

Michael, please, see my reply to Patricia above. Not sure why WordPress acts so weird at times. Your response to Patricia disappeared into nirvana as I tried to approve it several times. BOOM! Gone it was… 😛

Susanne, This trash folder delivery seems to be happening on a regular basis. I feel like Oscar the Grouch of Muppet fame. 🙂 So I “un-followed” your EPL and then “re-followed” once again. I hope this helps. If this comment goes to your trash folder, we will know that this did not work, either. The Prince of the Air seems to have control over the internet, for sure. I have learned the hard way not to write an article directly on WordPress after having one of them vaporize instead posting it. So I write my blogs on my word processor and save it first they copy and paste it into WordPress.

If I write blog posts I also write them on MS Word on my computer first unless I am sitting at the hairdresser and feel inclined/inspired to type a few words. 😉 I never had these problems that a blog disappeared as it had been written directly on WordPress, though. But the Prince of the Air is a real confuser, ins’t he?! 🙄

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“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him."
(John 3:16-17 ESV)

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