Phoebe: 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening... alright,
still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day!

Monica: But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year. I
know I do.

Rachel: Well, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?

Joey: Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how tonight goes.

Chandler: Oh, uh, listen, about tonight...

Joey: No, no, no, don't you dare bail on me. The only reason she's goin' out
with me is because I said I could bring a friend for her friend.

Chandler: Yes, I know, but her friend sounds like such a...

Joey: Pathetic mess? I know, butcome on, man, she's needy, she's
vulnerable. I'm thinkin', cha-ching! (Rachel throws a roll at Joey. He picks it up and
eats it.) Thanks. Look, you have not been out with a woman since Janice. You're doin'
this.

Ross: I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the whole
um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies from New York to Los
Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half.

(Ross starts to laugh, and then makes a face like 'Why did I just say that?' Ross'
ex-wife, Carol, and her lesbian lover, Susan, enter the restaurant. Ross stares at them.)

Kristin: That's funny. Who are they?

Ross: The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her... close,
personal friend.

Chandler: Oh, man. In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush.

(Janice enters.)

Janice: Hello, funny Valentine.

Chandler: Hi, Just Janice.

Janice: Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker. I could just kiss you all over, and
I'm gonna!

(Janice kisses Joey all over. Chandler smiles.)

Joey: (to Chandler) If you don't do it, I will.

[Scene: The Chinese Restaurant.]

Ross: So, um, what do you do for a living?

Kristin: Well, um, for the past few years I've been working..(Ross is watching
Carol and Susan, not listening to Kristin. Susan gets up, and has to go. Carol is left
stranded)...which is funny because, that wasn't even my major.

Carol: Oh no. I thought you said they could shoot the spot without you.

Susan: I thought they could...I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry.
(Ross realizes Kristin was expecting him to laugh, so he starts to laugh hysterically.)

Ross: Now that is funny. Hey, do you think...would it be too weird if I invited
Carol over to join us? 'Cause she's, she's alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad.

Chandler: Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there's no way for me to tell
you this. At least there's no new way for me to tell you this. I just don't things
are gonna work out.

Janice: That's fine.

Chandler: (surprised) It is?

Janice: Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this isn't the end.

Chandler: Oh no, you see, actually it is.

Janice: No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen. Don't you know it yet?
You love me, Chandler Bing.

Chandler: Oh, no I don't.

Janice: Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think we keep ending up
together? New Year's? Who invited who? Valentine's? Who asked who into whose bed?

Chandler: I did, but...

Janice: You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a
foghorn. Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know
it. You just don't know you know it. See ya.

(She kisses him passionately,then leaves.)

Chandler: Call me!

[Scene: The Chinese Restaurant, Ross and Carol are talking. Kristin is not there.]

Carol: It's not true. I never called your mother a wolverine.

Ross: You did so. I swear, I swear(noticing Kristin's absence) How long
has she been in the bathroom?

Carol: Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom. Her coat is gone.

Ross: Well maybe it's cold in there. Or maybe I screwed up the first date I had
in 9 years.

Carol: That could be it.

Ross: Oh, god. (He puts his head down on the grill) You know, this is still
pretty hot. (He picks his head up, and a mushroom sticks to his head. Carol picks it off
and eats it.)

Carol: Mushroom. Smile. They won't all be like this. Some women might even stay
through dinner. Sorry, that's not funny

Ross: No, it's just...you know the whole "getting on with your life"
thing. Well, do I have to? I mean, I'm sitting here with this cute woman, and, and, and
she's perfectly nice, and, but that there's, that's it. And um, and then I'm here talkin'
to you, and, and it's easy, and it's fun, and, and I don't, I don't have to...You know,
here's a wacky thought. Um, what's say you and I give it another shot? No no no, I know
what you're gonna say, you're a lesbian. But what do you say we just put that aside for
now you know? Let's just stick a pin in it, ok? Because, we're great together, you know.
You can't deny it. Besides, you're carrying my baby. I mean, how perfect is that? But see,
you know, you keep sayin' that, but there's somethin' right here. I love you.

(They kiss.)

Carol: Oh, I love you too. But...

Ross: No but, no but.

Carol: You know that thing you put over here with the pin in it? It's time to
take the pin out. You'll find someone, I know you will. The right woman is just waiting
for you.

Ross: That's easy for you to say, you found one already.

Carol: All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set.

(A beautiful woman walks by Ross, he stares at her.)

Carol: Not her.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The girls are talking with the firemen.]

Fireman No. 3: We get off around midnight, why don't we pick you up then?