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} No, not really. I am trapped here in a collaborative humor exercise,} destined in purpletooity to create silly answers to inane questions.} Sometimes it's a bit unclear, who is sillier, me or my supplicants.}} Anyway, I am certainly not Sirius, the Dog Star, nor am I Spot, Lady} Macbeth's dog. Regardless, today I am less serious than you.}} I win! I win!! You owe the Oracle a Rootie Kazootie pin.

> Failed again. I work for the Weather Service, and tried to forecast> "dense fog" but the intervoculator got my words wrong, and now the> forecast is for "dents frog." If you can't change my forecast to match> the weather (and I know how impossible THAT is), then please change the> weather to match my forecast. Thank you.

} You didn't see the movie "Magnolia" did you? Don't.}} There is another way out. Change the meaning of the words to match,} well, whatever you want them to be. For example, if you mispredict} a dust storm, just call it a haboob.}} Screwed up on that "Nor'easter?" How about calling it a "Polar Vortex?"} "Global warming" becomes "Global climate change." If "wilken" doesn't} work, just change it to "cloud." "Normal" becomes "30 year average."} You can even change "Weather Service" to "National Oceanic and} Atmospheric Administration."}} You have already made these changes: an "incorrect" forecast} becomes "correct," "wrong" becomes "right," and "there is a mob} of angry peasants outside with pitchforks and tar and feathers"} becomes "Look! Our admirers are throwing us a party."}} We could do it your way, but, as you know, "Everybody talks} about the weather, but nobody asks the Oracle to change it.}} You owe the Oracle some other changes in all weather reports:} from Celsius to Rankin, from knots to furlongs per fortnight, and} inches of rain to Newtons per kilogram times seconds squared.

> I wrote, "I have been waiting several months for your answer." Only> that's not how I wrote it. What I wrote was, "I have been wanting> several moths form your monster.">> That's the problem. I got the moths. They are certainly big. Monstrous,> even. They have eaten my clothes. Not only the woollen sweaters and my> mittens, but my shoes and my underwear. I didn't know that moths ate> cotton, leather, dacron and spandex, but I misunderestimated your> moths. Now I am totally starkers.>> What should I feed the moths now? They are nibbling at my eyelashes,> having already eaten the rest of my hair. Toenails next, I fear. Please> help. Send something. Anything.

} Not happy with your curse? No problem! We at Deities INC have a wide} variety to choose from!}} You may want to consider one or more of the following:} 1) All your questions to the Oracle will be answered by the Queue} Drainer.} 2) Alternatively, or additionally, they can be forwarded to your} English teacher.} 3) Your Internet connection will be routed through a radio link via} Alpha Centauri, the Great Firewalls of China, Iran and the RIIA, and} be converted to smoke signals.} 4) Your DVD collection will be converted to punched cards.} 5) You will have an unlimited supply of porn with the most beautiful} models you can imagine, but just as you are getting really aroused} and excited, you will suddenly realize the models are all} transvestites. [I]} 6) You new job uniform will be an itsy bitsy teeny weenie yellow polka} dot mankini.} 7) The Rodents That Shall Not Be Named (TM) will start chucking their} wood through your windows.} 8) Or they will be hiding under your bed when the Oracle finally} implements the Final Solution.} 9) Your Private Browsing history will be posted to Facebook.} 10) You will find out first hand whether Freedom REALLY is another word} for nothing left to lose.} 11) 404 Internet not found.}} Yes, for a small[II] fee, we'll be more than happy to consider a} trade-in! Contact Christophe, Dave or Mike between 1:30 AM - 5:30 AM} [IV] at 1-800-LEAVE-ME-ALONE to work out the details!}} [I] Your existing porn collection will be converted.} [II] Relative to the US national debt.} [III] No such footnote.} [IV] The only time of day where it won't interfere with their other} tasks here at the temple

} There are two separate methods, depending on the situation.}} 1. She is the enemy. Drop a bouquet of explosive roses or three-second} grenades. When she picks the bouquet up, she is gone.}} 2. She is not an enemy. Wait until she is in, and ask politely, bouquet} of non-explosive roses in hand, for her to step outside. Unfortunately} she will refuse, because she'll recognize you from situation number 1.

} I know, I know, it's awfully frustrating to read answers such as, "That} was a terrible question. How should I know the answer to something so} stupid?"}} Unfortunately I cannot control what happens to the randomness that is} the slush pile out from under which my incarnations crawl. Yes,} technically I DO know how to control it, but if I did, then you would} be getting answers consisting of nothing but gritty pieces of ZOT-dust,} sometimes your very own.}} Wait a minute, I'm forgetting myself... That's what actually happens} sometimes, isn't it!}} You are touching on some very embarrassing portions of my spiritual} beingness. Let me rest and think for a moment. Maybe Lisa can help.} She's not shown up in the answers for a while, so perhaps she can shine} a better light on everything. LISA!!!! GET OVER HERE!}} ----- Master, Lisa is hiding from you. She said that if you yelled at} her like that again she would hide behind the sofa and I wasn't to tell} you where she was. Oops.}} Zadoc, go and get Lisa now. Move the sofa if you have to.}} ----- Master, whose great and powerful ZOT is no match between my toes} until my feet are on fire, don't you remember what happened the last} time we moved the sofa? Certainly you have not forg...}} YES, of COURSE I remember. I'm goddam omniscient you imbecile. Use the} brains God gave you and do exactly what I asked!}} =++= Orrie, honey, please don't yell at poor Zadoc like that. The heat} makes his hair curl. I can smell it charring all the way over here} behind the sofa. Ughhh. Now Zadoc, if you'll come over here and assist} me, I'll get out from behind the sofa. Orrie, you and I can sit on the} sofa like we used to, and discuss your wretched problems.}} ----- Lisa, the Master does not remember what happens when we move the} sofa, and I guess you don't either. Oh well, demonstration is the best} proof of error.}} ********* SHOVE *********}} [[[[[[[[[[ ka-blooooie! ]]]]]]]]]]]]]}} No, no, no! Zadoc, what have you done? The square brackets are} unbalanced, and I think they hurt Lisa! You evil toad, I don't know why} I ever hired you. Wait a minute, yes I do. Forget it.}} -++- I'm all right, honey. I was wearing the magical protective bra} that} ...}} That bra that THOR gave you? Didn't I tell you to stay away from him?}} -++- Of course you did, darling, and that's why I had to see if the bra} fitted me, and it does. Don't you think it's attractive?}} Um, yes. Of course. Ahhh, yes. Let's sit here on the sofa and I'll} admire your bra. Yes. Zadoc, go and polish the silverware or something.

} Anonymous? Me? I'm the Internet Oracle. Everybody knows who I am. I} don't have to go around like some of my supplicants, proclaiming a} false name, like Burpwiser W. Floodlethorp or Skinkworthy Grabblesnort.} Not me.}} You, because you're a supplicant, are probably anonymous, but you're} not a coward. Noel Coward, on the other hand, sent mad dogs to} Englishmen.}} So there you have it. Everything you said was wrong, as usual. That} makes me even more right.

> What is wrong with English? I put on some pants this morning, but if I> try to tell people "I got pantsed after breakfast" no one gets the> intended meaning and instead I get puzzled looks or expressions of> sympathy. But tell people "I got dressed after breakfast" and no one> seems to care that a dress is not involved.

} Oh, it's worse than you could imagine. For instance, let's break down} your question.}} "What is wrong with English?"}} This in itself has several answers.}} 1. Nothing, if you use it properly to get the cue ball where you need} it to go.} 2. Some would argue the main problem is the still-existing Monarchy.} Personally, I think it's their bad taste in books.} 3. Several things are wrong with the English language, not the least} of which are the people who speak it.}} Let's go on. You put on some pants this morning. From this sentence,} am I to understand that you put on more than one pair of pants? "Some} pants" suggests multiple pairs. For that matter, why are pants} referred to as a "pair?" It would make more sense to say "I put on a} pair of pant legs, " but that suggests you didn't have any seat or} crotch covering. Breezy, perhaps, but certainly uncomfortable on vinyl} seats in the summer time.}} Next, "No one gets the intended meaning" suggests they were to receive} something, as if "intended meaning" is a tangible object. The other} option is for "gets" to equate to "understands." How is the reader to} know which meaning you wanted understood? Both work, neither are} perfect.}} Finally, "dressed" is of course a double meaning word. "Getting} Dressed" is understood to mean "I put clothes on that are suitable for} daily wear," instead of the alterior meaning of "I put on a dress."}} The point of all of this is, using the English language is like using a} computer: It's easy to get the basics, but you really have to know how} regular users do it to not make yourself look like an idiot.}} You owe the Oracle a cucumber sandwich.

} "Crunchy and good with ketchup" is a common description, but not one I} would use. "Subtle and quick to anger?" No, that's ME, your Oracle.} Ahh, yes, "soggy and hard to light." That's it, almost. Soggy and hard} to like. Of course.

} So, she kicked you that hard? I'm surprised you are able to talk at} all. Well, I guess you've learned you lesson now: Never answer a} question starting with 'Does this make me look...' with "Not worse} then usual."