So no surprise to no one, I absolutely hated Total Recall 2012. I may seem reserved in the below video, but rest assured I would have walked out of this movie about 40 minutes in if my buddy Paul wasn’t there with me to make fun of this useless, soulless, toothless, morose mother fucker.

This movie’s deadly sin is that it is fucking BORING. It has no charm, grit, or surprises. The action is so repetitive and bland I thought I was caught in a Recall memory loop myself. Every other scene is someone jumping over a six foot gap in slow motion, or a robot cocking its head to one side defiantly inquisitively and then getting its metal ass (carbon fiber ass) kicked. It would be the worst movie I’ve ever seen if it wasn’t so fucking forgettable.

Even the things that I might have liked about the movie are so fucking blatantly ripped from better stuff, that I couldn’t enjoy it. The aesthetic is Blade Runner, and by that I mean everything is infused with an East meets West motif: Paper walls with concrete, dragons and rave party bullshit. Visually interesting I guess, but who gives a fuck if the story sucks? I would get just as much enjoyment out of looking at a fucking photograph.

The original Total Recall movie is fun and actually bends your mind a little, you wonder and actually CARE what will become of Quaid and Melina, if it really is just in his mind and he is sitting comatose back at Rekall. I don’t even know what the fuck the two lead women’s names are in this new piece of shit. The original had mutants and fantastical landscapes; this new crap has sterile CG and boring ineffectual robot punching bags.

The bottom line is that this movie is a waste of your time, and you shouldn’t pay a fucking cent to see it. I was lucky enough to have two free-use movie tickets. I f I paid $11 for this pristine turd I would’ve cried.

I can’t explain why I love the original so much, all I know is that it’s awesome and anyone who thinks Total Recall 2012 is good is fucking delusional. It pisses me off that such a boring, forgettable garbage pile shares the same name as my favorite movie, and I will not defend myself or apologize for that. If the original never existed I might have thought the movie was boring or at the most ‘meh’. But the original DOES exist. And what really kills me is that there is a glimmer of original thought in this movie! The ‘Fall’, an elevator that goes through the middle of the Earth to avoid nuclear fallout is kinda cool. but again I do not give a shit when the plot is essentially any Dance Off movie where the rich white guy wants to move out all the poor people so he can build another golf resort. There certainly is enough slow motion in this movie to be a fucking Get Served or Get Dunked fucking electric boogaloo spizz puddle.

They wanted to modernize Total Recall to fit a new audience, if this is what new audiences want, then I pray the movie industry as a whole goes fucking bankrupt and everyone directly and indirectly involved with this festering ingrown penis loses their fucking jobs.

You can see my musings on the original Total Recall on my abandoned blog, and you can watch my original angry rant below.

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