When I was 5 or 6 we were at my dad’s company picnic. I was introduced to his boss and I told him, “My Daddy says you’re a son of a bitch.” My Dad’s co-workers fed me ice cream all afternoon.

reddit

#2.

Took my kids to see Puss and Boots and when the lights dimmed and Puss appeared on the screen my middle son screamed “It’s pussy time” the whole theater was cracking up, I laughed so hard I cried.

facebook

#3.

Friend’s son, 5 years old, pointed at a Muslim woman in the mall wearing full garb (including face) and shouted, “Mom, a Ninja!”

reddit

#4.

Daughter was rubbing my face with a small football earlier, she thought it was funny so I let her carry on. Later on we were in a restaurant when out of nowhere she gives it “I gave daddy a ball massage before”. We didn’t stay for dessert.

Facebook

#5.

When my daughter was two and asking about the anatomical difference between herself and her baby brother, I taught her the proper terms and that women and girls had vaginas and vulvas and boys and men had penises and testicles. Whilst browsing through Kohl’s that holiday season (store was PACKED), she loudly exclaimed as she pointed to every stranger we passed “BOY! Penis and tentacles!” “GIRL! Gyyyyynah and Volvo!”. Lather rinse and repeat. The kicker was the androgynous cashier. She asked “Boy or girl?”. The cashier was a trooper and smiled “Girl, sweetie.” Kind proudly screams back “Gyyyynah and Volvo!” Same kid is now overly concerned with being cool and shy around strangers. Go figure!

reddit

#6.

On our way to watch my daughter play soccer, my son was asking me about how babies were made. So I told him about the sperm and they egg and so on. He seemed to reflect deeply about what I had said. Get to soccer and we sit among all the other parents and he bursts out “Dad, is your sperm still inside me?” I almost fucking died.

reddit

#7.

My daughter once asked a black guy why he was made of chocolate. I was incredibly embarrassed. He thought it was hilarious.

reddit

#8.

When I was pregnant with my youngest daughter we explained to my older daughter that mommy has a baby in her belly and daddy put it there. Well she always wants to be just like mommy so she started going around telling people she has a baby in her belly and her daddy put it there…. you can imagine the looks I got.

Facebook

#9.

My three-year-old daughter will yell “LOOK DADDY! A GANGNAM STYLE!” Whenever she see’s an Asian man. I literally burst into hysterics the first time she did it, pretty sure that’s fueled her love of yelling it as loud as her lungs will let her since.

reddit

#10.

I was dating a guy back when my son was maybe 7-8 years old. I picked him up from the airport one night and brought my son with me. While we were driving home the three of us started playing the game “raise your hand if you’ve ever…” 5 Minutes in, my son blurts out “raise your hand if you’ve ever clogged up the toilet with a big pile of poop like my mommy did today”. I still want to run away and hide just thinking about it.

reddit

#11.

I think my daughter was 5 when she said “mommy has a hairy peepee” at the Thanksgiving dinner table with my in-laws.

facebook

#12.

My daughter at the tender age of 8 announced to a crowded room that when she grows up she wants to be a prostitute. Turns out she meant prosecutor but, you know, it took a while.

reddit

#13.

When I quit smoking, my 5-year-old at the time (she’s 23 now) told her kindergarten teacher that she was so proud of me because I quit drugs.

thestir

#14.

This Happened to a friend… “Look, mommy, that police has handcuffs likes the ones in your bedroom!”

facebook

#15.

My son asked where my wienie was as I got out of the shower one day. I said, “Well, Mommies have a different kind of wienie than Daddies.” So we get to the store later that day and he informs the cashier, “My Mommy has a different kind of wienie.” Awesome.

thestir

#16.

During my divorce, while the kids and I were at Walmart buying groceries, I put a bottle of wine in my cart and my daughter yells, “Oh, look, Mom’s sad again.”

danoah

#17.

When I was around 3 years old my dad told me that smoking was bad, and that only idiots smoke. A couple days later we walked past a smoking woman. I remembered what my dad had told me, and I said with the loudest voice possible:“Dad, look at that idiot over there smoking cigarettes!”

fyrahundraslag

#18.

My 6-year-old daughter had her appendix out. When the stitches were removed, there was a catheter in her abdomen, sticking up. She looked down and proudly announced: “Goodbye appendix, hello penis!”

jules

#19.

My mother and I were at Chili’s with my son (who was about 6 or 7 at the time) and my mother and I split a margarita during dinner (a small one, not one of those fishbowl ones). After dessert, we get the bill and get up to leave, when my son suddenly starts BAWLING loudly. Alarmed, I squat down and ask, “what’s the matter?!!” I’m thinking maybe he cut himself or is in pain or something horrible the way he is wailing like a hyperactive banshee. In between hysterical sobs he manages to screech, “I DONT WANT TO GET IN THE CAR WITH A DRUNK DRIVEEEEEEERRRR!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!!!!” Literally everyone in the restaurant is either staring at me horrified or giving me the death eye. It was so embarrassing. I tried my best to soothe him and explain to him that it was ok, but he was just screaming”You’re DRUUUUNKK!”.

TheBlackPajama

#20.

When I was pregnant, I ended up having to take my three-year-old daughter to one of my OB appointments. My doctor had to do a vaginal exam to which my daughter replied loudly “Mommy, how come you show your ‘gina to EVERYONE!!??”

danoah

#21.

Three-year-old daughter Madeleine said very loudly in public toilets: ”Mummy, why do you have a beard on your bottom”

Emma Gill

#22.

My son was feeling really badly about pooping his pants, so to make him feel better I told him that it happens to everyone, even mommy. The next day we walked in to daycare and told the lead teacher “Yesterday I pooped my pants, but mom said it was ok; it happens to her all the time.”

danoah

#23.

My 4-year-old son felt the need to warn “old” people they will die … he told a lady in the grocery, “Old people die … and you don’t look so good”

Edna

#24.

I was the kid (sorry.) My mom is obese, and she always used to sigh, “I’m the fattest woman in the world,” when she looked in the mirror. Being about four, I took this literally. One day we were in K-Mart, and I saw this REALLY huge woman in a mumu. I freaked out, pointing and yelling, “LOOK MOMMY! YOU’RE NOT THE FATTEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD, SHE IS!!”

Rapugzel

#25.

Not a parent but I’m a full time nanny and used to work at a daycare. I was dating one of the dads (he was single and it was totally legit), and one morning, in front of the entire staff, his son asked me “why were you in daddy’s bed this morning?”. Pretty much horrifying.

Kaeleigh_Khan

#26.

My four-year-old son walked up to a little person at the airport and said ” Well you’re a funny little man, but I do like your hat”. Before I had a chance to apologize – the man replied, “Thank you…and I like you!”

Scrappy_Larue

#27.

My wife and I were viewing property when on inspection of the view out of the back window I noted a tube track. I asked whether it was noisy but the women said that they hardly hear anything. Her little daughter said “That’s not true mummy, that’s why we are leaving!”

Mysteron Agent

#28.

When my daughter was young, think 2 or 3 year-old, she had apparently questioned her mother about the difference between boys and girls. I learned this fact as I arrived home from work. We lived in an apartment building at the time. As I was coming up the stairs and my neighbor was coming out of his apartment, my daughter popped her head out the door, saw my neighbor, and proudly declared, “My daddy has a penis!”

upnorthbubba

#29.

My oldest son was 3-4, we were walking into a store together, and a very overweight woman was in front of us with a companion.

My son looks at me and asks “mama, is she going to fit through the door?” Loud enough that the woman heard him.

QP2012

#30.

My daughter once yelled out “I LOVE VAGINA” as loud as possible in a Walmart. Too bad she was actually referring to LASAGNA – which is what we were having for dinner.