The Story of One Mom's Quest to Regain Her Mojo

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I miss you, Dad

Gah! I’ve known I wanted to write this since my Mother’s Days posts last month, but I have no idea where to begin… I’ll just write an open letter to my Dad, I guess. Here goes nothing, Peeps:

Dear Dad,

Hey. Long time no see. Bah-dum dum! (That was drum thing, what’s it called? A rim shot? That sounds wrong.)

Anyway… do they have wi-fi in Heaven? I’m sure there’s some way you’re able to read my blog up there, or right here over my shoulder maybe? I just got chills.

Dad, whenever I think of you, I usually think about how much has changed in the world since you passed. Dude, it’s crazy. Cell phones. Lap tops. Super Sizes at Mc D’s have come and gone. 3D televisions. Imagine watching football on that, Dad! Oh, yeah, Baltimore has a football team again. Do you guys get the Ravens games in Heaven or is St Peter more a Steelers fan?

And I also think about the times in my life you’ve missed…

High school, road trips to visit colleges, graduation, my whole Salisbury experience. Would I have gone to Frostburg instead if you’d been here?

My first love, first heartbreak. I wonder if you would’ve been the “I’m gonna pummel the jerk!” kind of Dad or the “Let’s go get plastered and bowl!” kind. I’m thinking it would be the latter.

Finally getting my driver’s license. My first car. You worked in the car business when I was a kid. I’m sure I would’ve been driving a Subaru or a VW years before I bought that ol’ Honda!

My first job, first teaching experience, deciding that teaching wasn’t for me, finding a career that was for me… You were kind of a job hopper, from what I remember. I wonder what advice you’d have given me. I wonder if I’d have gone into the financial world earlier or later or never..

Meeting Hubby and falling in love for real. I know you’d have liked him. He’s good people. And into sports. And Mom says you and he would’ve made a good commentator team. Although Mom and Brother more than fit the bill, I would’ve given anything for you to walk me down the aisle. I know you really were there on our wedding day, drinking a St Pauly Girl and singing along to the Beatles.

Your granddaughters being born on your birthday. Lala has a dimple in her chin, just like yours, Dad.

I also think about the things I missed knowing about you. I never got to know you, adult to adult. I don’t know what you wanted to be when you grew up, your dream vacation/car/home, how you feel about gay marriage or immigration or the debt crisis, if you were a reader or not (how do I not know that?), how you wanted to spend your retirement… You are an enigma to me still, an incomplete picture. I hate that I never had the chance to fill in the blanks.

Bottom line, Dad. I miss you. Every day. I used to be angry that you chose not to take care of yourself. That you chose to smoke and eat pizza and fries and chocolate shakes and chose not to exercise. I felt you chose those things over Brother and me. But I forgive you now. You were human, and flawed, just like me. And the final and most important thing you taught me is that life is short. So for that, I am grateful.