how i went from fat to less fat to more fat and so on...and some nonsense unrelated to diets

Monday, February 3, 2014

sucky symbolism.

sorry it has been a few days. i'm still in rollercoaster mode with good days and bad days. i did well tuesday and wednesday. thursday i went to dinner for my niece's birthday, and i had 2 pieces of pizza, a cheese stick and a little bit of cake. then on my way home i got peanut butter covered pretzels at the gas station. i ate about 6 and then took them out to my car so they'd be away from me, and i gave them to my coworkers who are human garbage disposals on friday. i went skiing for 5 hours friday night and burned off some calories, so i was sweet by saturday. UNTIL i went to dinner with friends. my chicken came out with erroneous bbq sauce on it, and i hate causing a scene so i just ate it. and i had a glass of merlot which gave me a case of the screw-its. we all kept chatting, and the next thing i knew i'd also downed 2 beers. i stopped at the grocery store on the way home and ended up with a pint of ben and jerry's and some cadbury mini eggs, a treat i'd been DYING for. polished off the eggs, then went to work on the ice cream. about 1/4 through the pint i got ahold of myself and went and washed the rest down the sink. so blah, blah, blah, tonight was tops and i ended up with a 2 week loss of 4.75 pounds. yay, biggest loser of the night, yay, back to 80.5 pounds lost. but wait... they went by our weigh-in from 2 weeks ago for awards night, so THAT number was up 4.5 pounds, and i had to return 5 of my per-pound pins. turns out you don't lose charms, so that's good. but i was so sad having to give back 5, when i typically get between 5-10 to add instead. i should have been careful what i wished for with last week's weigh-in being cancelled. i'd worked so hard to get that gain off, and i still got screwed. so even though it was purely symbolic, as that weight is off and not on, it was a huge downer.

but.. i'm starting out february down almost 5 pounds, so that's good. i'm still sitting at my lowest weight ever, 162 pounds. i know if i work hard i can be at 159.8 soon, which would feel amazing. remember the night i put up my christmas tree AND hit 169? that was the week before thanksgiving! i can't believe it's taken me 2+ months to lose less than 10lb. stupid holidays and stupid rollercoaster aftermath. but... still heading the right way, so i need to focus on the positive here. i need all of the positive thoughts i can get as i work to lose this 2.5 pounds to go into the 150's.

one bit of awesome sauce - i went to target on friday and zipped and button a pair of size 10 skinny jeans! they were curvy cut and they were tight, but they clearly said "SIZE 10," so that's really something for this girl who began in a 24. it has been a pretty cool week for realizing the many benefits of being smaller, like fitting into most things instead of not fitting into most things. my friend offered to let me borrow her ski pants. now, i've never been able to borrow other people's clothes. i didn't know anyone my size! but she dropped them off, and they fit! then i went to "play it again sports" which is a sporting goods and apparel secondhand store. they had a sweeeeeeeeeet spyder ski jacket for $35, size medium. tried it on for giggles - it fit perfectly. if anything, slightly on the big side. the last time i went skiing, i could barely fasten my boots around my calves even on the last notch. friday night they snapped shut on the 3rd notch. and hauling myself around the flat areas with my arms using my poles wasn't nearly the stress it once was. i felt like an actual athlete out there.

so when you consider the pampered chef party... the birthday party... the wine and ice cream night... a superbowl party last night... and the fact that i can't run, so my exercise is limited to ab and arm stuff on my ball and then skiing (the boots immobilize your feet and ankles, so that felt great actually), it's pretty awesome that i weighed in at -4.75.

emotional eating journal: today wasn't emotional. i'm about to go have some chicken and maybe a spoonful of almond butter because i know i need the calories. otherwise i'd just go to bed. this past week was a total emotional eating week, mostly eating to beat myself up more for eating. how dumb.

i hope you guys are feeling positive. don't give up! you can stray if you need to, but don't give up. balance it out. there are 7 days in a week, so try to have 4 good for 3 bad if that's the way it has to go. just come out on top. love ya's!