Funny Golf Etiquette For
The Golf Course

Golf
Course Etiquette

If you arrived on this page
with expectations of finding items such as - the
proper place to stand when your opponent
is teeing off, you are in the wrong
place my friend. Go have yourself a
cocktail or two and come
back when you are ready to learn about
something that really matters.

Mulligans
Unless specifically ruled out as part of
a betting game, all players with
handicaps exceeding 15 are entitled to a
mulligan on the first tee. To limit
embarrassment, this should be referred
to as a "Breakfast Ball" (if you are
teeing off at twilight, it is acceptable
to use the Japanese form known as a
"Breakfast Bar" (since they are eating
breakfast there at the time). Breakfast
Balls may not be saved for use on
another tee box, use it or loose it!
Anyone with a handicap of 20 or higher
is entitled to one mulligan per nine
holes. Breakfast Balls are not charged
as official mulligans.

Scoring
The phrase "Pick it up." shall be used
any time that a player with a handicap
of 20+ is lying 8 or more while still in
the fairway. The player shall receive a
score of double par (Beagle) - and will
be very very grateful, right?

Any putt that is called "good" (as in
"That's good") is automatically
considered to be jarred. The golfer may
then practice the putt and shall incur no
penalty if it is missed. cool hey!
Unless you're playing in a tournament,
no penalty shall be incurred for balls
lost in the rough or fairway. Tour pros
have tournament officials and spectators
to point out exactly where their ball
settled. As long
as you are certain that the ball stayed
in bounds and is not buried in a bush,
etc., you are entitled to a free drop in
a location agreed to by at least one
other member of your group. Now good
luck getting someone to agree.

Dress
Code

Never
wear jeans, tee shirts, or gym shoes on
the golf course. It's best to wear long
pants and a golf shirt (large
prints and palm leaves will help
distract other players). Shorts are
acceptable on most courses. Good
leather golf shoes and ankle socks
complete the right “personal style" in
your fashion statement.

Women should
wear something extraordinarily
provocative. Either a super-low-cut
blouse or a golf skirt that reaches up
to somewhere just south of Canada. This
will help in several ways. First, it
will cut down on the men's initial
griping at having to play with a female.
It will also ensure the men won't
trudge off the green until you have
retrieved your golf ball from the hole.
Plus statistics show dressing sexy will
help you your score!

Pace of Play
Teeing off:
"Ready Golf" was thought up by a slow
golfer and it is a load of crap. Anyone who
takes a triple and tees off before the
guy who made birdie should be required
to play his second shot from a bunker.
Ready Golf my ass.
Keep
up with the group in front of you. If
you have a hole open in front of you, do
not re-try your 30 footer after everyone
else has finished, get you butt off the
green so the next group can play up.
If the group in front of you is a hole
behind and someone re-tries their 30
footer, it is acceptable to yell at them
to hurry up.
If it happens twice, it is
acceptable to hit your approach shot the
very second they step off the green.
Remember to yell "FORE" as we don't want
any lawsuits.

Drink Cart GirlsThe amount of your tip should be
directly proportional to how hot she is
and how willing she is to pretend that
you have a chance with her.
An extra dollar should be added if she
is wearing a short skirt rather than
shorts, etc.
An additional dollar should be added if
she shows you cleavage while leaning in
to get your drink.

Urination
Yes -
Urinating on the course is as much a
part of the game as putting (this is, of
course, only true if it's not an
activity which can get you arrested).
Whenever possible, players should face
away from houses while peeing. This however
is not necessary if doing so
requires peeing into the wind.

Women:
Urinate behind a tree. I understand this
goes against your every instinct, but
damn, just try it! It'll set you free.
The men in your group will be so
awestruck they'll buy you a beer.

Players
should refrain from peeing on the course
if the Cart Girl is on green or fairway
in front of the group, be polite, you
still want to see that cleavage, don't
you?

Urinating on your opponents ball is
strictly prohibited (unless you are sure
you can get away with it without him
knowing).

Miscellaneous

Golf carts must be kept off the greens
and out of hazards. Other than that,
they are toys.

Any player wearing more than four logos
must buy the first round.

Asking opponents if they inhale or
exhale in their backswing is not only
legal, it is hilarious if it screws them
up.

Never use
cell phones or beepers on the golf
course, if someone's phone goes off
while your swinging - it's acceptable to
through it in the closest pond.

The 19th
Hole
Always allow time for a beverage and
snack after a round of golf. This is the
time to confirm you have all had a good
time or to smooth over a not-so-great
game. Always focus on the game
highlights, never the bad shots. Most
important, have fun!