The Adventures of a Single 40-Something

Main menu

Post navigation

Hemorrhoids & Too Much Information

The other day someone left me a voicemail. It was so inappropriate and disturbing that I feel compelled to share it.

I had been trying to reach this person by phone, to discuss something rather mundane. I had called several times and gotten no answer. Had left a message, gotten no return call. So when they called me back, and I was on the other line, they left a message.

This is the verbatim transcript of it:

“Hey, sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I’ve been laying on my side with an exposed hemorrhoid and constipation for five days and today’s the first day I can let my butthole go and nothin’ try to come out. But anyway, it hurts, it made it raw, my butt cheeks are bleeding.”

After rambling on about their asshole for 90 seconds or so, apparently they were intoxicated enough to think that perhaps they were leaving a message on an answering machine, rather than a cell phone (which is the only type of phone I have). They decided I had picked up the phone and so the rest of the message is them going, “Hello? Hello?”

This is why I don’t answer the phone anymore often than I do!

What’s worse is that, to find a graphic for this post, I Google’d “hemorrhoids” and selected “images.” I thought I’d find pictures of medications, commercials, irritated people’s faces. Uh, no.

I’m warning you, people, do NOT Google that word and click on images! Why? Because apparently there are a lot of people out there with hemorrhoids who have cameras and are also flexible enough to use them to capture the moment. <shudder>

Have a magical day and thank you for sharing this little nugget of joy with me.