According to that beacon of accuracy Wikipedia, a curb stomp
is defined as “a form of assault in which a victim’s mouth is forcibly placed
on a curb and then stomped from behind, cause severe injuries and sometimes
death”.

Sadly, the sports world suffered two tragic deaths on
Sunday. Marlins ace Josh Fernandez died
in a late night boating accident. And
The King, Arnold Palmer, passed away at the too young age of 87.

The Jets had eleven possessions on Sunday. They kicked three times to end them – one field
goal, and two punts.

And normally, that’s a very good thing. You want to kick as little as possible, if we’re
being honest. If you told me, for
example, the Chiefs would have eleven possessions in a game, and only three
would end with a kick, I’d think the Chiefs chances to win would be at least
decent. Because you’d expect at least a
few of those other eight possessions to end with the Chiefs crossing the
goalline, right?

Well, unfortunately for the Jets, those other eight
possessions resulted in three fumbles (two recovered by the Chiefs), and six –
SIX! – interceptions. Also unfortunately
for the Jets, two of those turnovers were taken to the house by the Chiefs.

The Chiefs accomplished this? With their best defensive player out via
injury, and with the front seven collecting exactly zero sacks. No NFL game since 1986 had seen that many
interceptions without a sack being recorded.
Sh*t folks, had the Chiefs forced one more turnover? They would have tied the NFL record for most
turnovers in a game. (Anthony looked it
up after turnover number seven.)

I noted in the predictions piece for this week that the
Chiefs are going to get curb stomped in The Ketchup Bottle come Sunday
night. I might want to rethink that
sentiment, given the outcomes of Sunday.

Because that, on Sunday, at Terrorhead?

The Chiefs delivered a curb stomping so violent and
thorough, I honestly think the Jets will not recover from it.

That game Sunday, to quote one of my dad’s favorite, uuh,
quotes?

“That was an ass kicking of Biblical proportions!”

--------------------

The Bus departed a little late, since we figured there was
no way in hell there’d be enough people in line at 9am on a rainy, dreary,
somewhat humid Sunday morning, to force the early-in gates to open even earlier
than planned.

And as usual, we were wr … wr … wr … possibly incorrect.

There were seven of us who rode out: myself, Russ and Mona,
Anthony and Jaimmie, and Miranda, and Fran.
We got to Gate Seven a little before 9am … and the line was already
backed up to Gate Six, to get in the early-in gate. Donna, the nice lady who tries to keep
everything organized in line (by confirming you do have an early-in parking
pass) came by, knowing we do have said pass, exchanged pleasantries, and then
said “there’s no way (the gate) won’t open by 9:30. Line’s too long.” This was at 9:08am.

So me, being the nice, decent dude I am approximately 2.46%
of the time, did what any insane, irrational dude would do. I grabbed my mimosa and began the walk to
secure our spot … and to survey what the latest dumb f*ck parking setup the
Chiefs have come up with looks like.

(Yo, Chiefs? As I
once again submitted in your STM Survey (maureen mcgovern voice) “the morning
after”? You want to seriously address
and fix the parking issues you have? Get
a panel of 15-20 of us Season Ticket Members together in February – ideally one
from each lot, with a few who park wherever – and let us fix it for you. When in doubt? Address the victim. Because they’re f*cking tired of being
victims.)

I headed down the hill through Gate Seven … and saw a
parking attendant on a golf cart at the bottom of the hill, a couple law
enforcement officials there as well, and as I approached our spot, I saw a new
dude sitting on the rocks in the island, waiting to “help direct the flow of
traffic”.

This, I thought? Could
not possibly be good.

I, in hindsight?
Could not possibly have been more wrong.

--------------------

When the early-in gate opened a little after 9:45am (earlier
than the 10am early in posted time!), I approached the dude sitting on the rock
in the island across from us. The
conversation as best I recall:

(me) hey.

(parking dude) hey.

(me) see that Bus coming down the hill?

(me) (points at The Bus)

(parking dude) Yeah.

(me) he’s hopefully going to be coming right here. Then I’m going to pick up that cone, to let
him pull into Lot G to turn around, so we’re headed out. We’ll be on the grass over there (pointing to
our spot).

(parking dude) Cool.

(me) Not going to be a problem?

(parking dude) Why would it be?

(me) because you see those (pointing to the port-a-potties)?

(parking dude) Yeah?

(me) because we’re about to move them.

(parking dude) OK.

And that is exactly what happened – The Bus went right past
the golf cart parking folks, drove onto the grass, and I grabbed a cone to let
Russ the Bus Man through into Lot G.
Anthony and I then moved the two port-a-potties down towards the dumpster
(where they should be anyway), before moving a second cone to let The Bus pull
into our usual spot.

And you know what happened after that?

Five f*cking hours of fun, that’s what. Because nobody bothered us – or Roger’s crew
next to us. Nobody bothered the black
bus to our left. Nobody harassed the
people entering. Nobody stopped us from
saving spots for Ron and Michelle, for some friends of Russ and Mona’s that
came out, or for Brad – making his first appearance in nearly three years.

And with that, a truly “green” friendship was born, with the
neighbors next door. (sammy sosa voice)
God bless America! It’s a beautiful
country!

--------------------

We came so close. So
freaking close.

The Hy-Vee folks stopped by our tailgate a little before
noon. As I’ve mentioned before, our crew
has won the Tailgaters of the Game twice before – Thanksgiving Night 2006
against satan’s squad, and a 2008 throwaway game against the Titans … when we
probably won because we were like the only folks who showed up. The group that tailgates next to us – Roger and
his crew – won the honor in 2010 against (I think) the 49ers, and in 2014 against either
the raiders or Chargers. I just know it
was f*cking cold when they won in 2014, so it had to be December.

Slacker (from 101 The Fox) recorded a commercial with
us. I know Ron got a video of it (I
couldn’t; we use my iPhone for the music.)
According to Mr. Griffin, it aired on The Fox during the pregame. (We’ve requested the .mp3 from them; it’s supposed
to be emailed this week. I’ll upload when
/ if it’s received.) We also got a gift
card from Hy-Vee that is either worth $10 … or $101 dollars.

We’ll find out Sunday what the value is, when buying the
necessities for the Watch Party on The Deck, against my third most hated
franchise in professional sports … and truth be told, I might hate the
steelers, more than I hate the raiders.

(The winner on Sunday was a group farther down in Lot G …
and we passed by them walking in. They
earned it. No complaints; they had a
rocking tailgate even I was jealous of.)

What I loved the most?
What made the Hy-Vee and 101 The Fox folks stop by and check us out?

Cinco Noose Donkey.

Or in the words of the Hy-Vee chick: “that … is awesome!”

--------------------

My buddy Tim stopped by with his son, attending his first
football game. Jesus, it truly frightens
me that someone my age has kids coherent and cognizant enough to understand
football. I’m only 39! I’m too young for this!

For the record, his son and Anthony beat me and Miranda
21-16 at the bean bag game.

And for the record, I scored 13 of our 16.

God bless, do I need Tyler to get healthy in a hurry.

--------------------

Classic Speakers went over well … and man, did the new
adapter work. I guess going truly
digital paid off, because we weren’t limited to the 88 and 107 channels. Oh hell no!
We can now hijack any frequency not playing up and down the FM dial!

I admit, I had my doubts.
And one person (*cough Russ cough *) wasn’t exactly thrilled that
bringing back Classic Speakers meaning bringing back the generator. (In his defense, that is one heavy – and hot –
bastardo. My leg is still hurting from
hitting it a few times.)

But sometimes? You
have to learn a valuable life lesson, one I wish a certain someone had realized
four years ago – and honestly, this one should get Stevo Rule of Life
designation status, it’s so obvious:

Don’t f*ck with what
ain’t broken.

But if you are gonna
f*ck with what ain’t broken? Then make
damn sure to at least Gorilla Glue the bastard back together, when you’re done
f*cking with it!

I also gotta give a huge thumbs up to the new IOS 10. Mixology now shows what is in the queue to
play next! There’s no more guessing,
there’s no more “yeah, I swear, it’s like three songs away” lies that have to
be told, to tailgaters wanting certain songs.
It shows what’s in the queue! I
think that’s cool.

The one funny moment from Mixology was when Jaimmie or
Miranda (I forget which one) b*tched me out for not having “All I Do Is Win” in
the rotation. Which led to Anthony
correctly reminding them that “he sent us the f*cking text asking what we
wanted to hear on Tuesday! You said
nothing! You can’t blame him for (your
song not being there)!”

I hope the couch was comfortable dude. I’m guessing you slept on it, after that
response.

Now if we could just find a charcoal grill whose lid
actually locks closed …

--------------------

The menu adapted a bit because of some unforeseen stuff from
Saturday. I made the jalapeno poppers
(and go figure – maybe two of those 150 plus survived the carnage), and there
were brats, burgers and dogs. But we
also went with deli sandwiches you made yourself. I went with my favorite, and I call it “The
Stevo”.

“The Stevo” consists of the following (and I should note, I
call it “The Stevo” not out of pure arrogance and a self-inflated sense of
worth (although both apply to me) … but because the sandwich lady in the
cafeteria at work (an awesome chick named Vickie, who doubles as the best
damned barista I’ve had since college – seriously, I’m drinking caffeine again
every Friday solely and only due to her coffee making skills), named it “The
Stevo”, since I order it at least once a week … and damned if at least one
other person in line behind me, doesn’t request the same thing, every single
time.

Sh*t folks, even “Chairman Dao” gave it a try … and liked
it! And that man despises me like …
well, like I despise him. Anyways, here
you go.

“The Stevo”:

* generous helping of roast beef.

* generous helping of turkey.

* generous helping of sharp cheddar cheese.

* NOT toasted. (That’s
the key, I think.)

* banana peppers – I prefer just a few, but you can never
have too many, I think.

* tomato slices. Total
depends on how big a bun / hoagie you’re working with.

* spinach. Because lettuce
sucks.

* chipotle ranch dressing.
Although as I discovered Sunday, dijon mustard does the trick as well …
just not as well, as chipotle ranch dressing.

* ideally fresh cracked pepper … but pepper in a shaker
works too.

* and some green onions splashed on there to boot.

Piled on white bread.
Although I’ve settled for having one on a tomato, as well as a spinach,
tortilla wrap … and I had no complaints on either one. If anything, the wraps made “The Stevo”
slightly better. But I still prefer two
gigantic Texas toast sized white bread slices.

Oh – and two pickle spears on the side, with those sea salt
and vinegar chips that are so damned addicting, I think they’re a bigger health
crisis than crack, meth, and heroin combined.

Tell me that isn’t one amazing sandwich.

Because I had to make it, for four – four! – different people
on Sunday, they were so impressed, watching me make mine.

--------------------

We broke down late from tailgating, because honestly, nobody
wanted to leave, and people kept showing up.

I mentioned earlier that our buddy Brad (from Roger’s
tailgate next door) made his first appearance in almost three years. He looked … different. Not in a bad way. Just … settled. I guess that’s a good word, settled. And good for him.

His dad Bruce, on the other hand, was far from settled. He was embarrassed. So embarrassed, he sent Roger over a little
after 11am, to have this conversation:

(roger) So I need to ask a small favor.

(me) ok.

(roger) Did you bring any vodka?

(me) (literally crying from laughing so hard)

(me) yeah, we have some.

(roger) Bruce left his in the fridge in the garage.

(me) you need one bottle, or two?

(roger) You people bring that much?!?!?!

For the record, Bruce makes THE best Bloody Mary’s you will
ever have. It’s tradition – we head over
with the stiffest mimosa’s you’ll ever have, and they offer us Bruce’s Bloody
Mary’s in return, usually about 8:30 for a noon kickoff (in this case, 11am for
a 3:30 kickoff).

For some reason, I’m glad the Tito’s Vodka, finally made it
into one of his Bloody Mary’s.

Amongst the others to flow in on Sunday were Phil and the
Bulance crew, our friends from St. Louis we met last week, and of course, “New
Jersey Bob”, who literally flew in from, uuh, New Jersey, for this game, with
his brother and his son, who I literally … I just have to admit it, I guess.

(me) holy f*cking sh*t!

(chase) what?

(me) Jesus f*cking Christ!

(chase) what? What
did I do? I just f*cking got here! I just wanted to have a fun da --

(me) no! It’s nothing
you did dude! It’s just … are you
Chadwick Pennington?

Folks, the kid looks EXACTLY like Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’
Official Favorite Quarterback of All Time, Sir Chadwick Pennington, who piloted
the Jets from 2002-2007. I asked Mona to
send me the picture(s) she took of me and “Sir Chadwick”, as I took to calling
Chase, so that I could post a picture.
The kid looks EXACTLY like my irrational man crush (NFL Edition) from
the early 2000s.

And yes – I do have a Chadwick Pennington jersey. It is amongst my most priziest of prizy
possessions, in my life.

If “priziest” and “prizy” are words.

Which I guess they now are.

Also, we’re now “officially” on the hook, to go to the
Chiefs / Jets game at the Fake Meadowlands next fall, to “return the honor of
tailgating with you”.

Jesus – next year the Chiefs have roadies at the Cowboys,
Jets, “satan’s squad”, potentially Houston (we visit the AFC South team that
lands in the same slot in the standings as the Chiefs), and possibly Las Vegas,
when / if the “evil empire” moves. (As
well as the Giants, the Patriots, and wherever the hell the Chargers wind up
calling home.)

And I’m still staring the trip to Sioux Falls for oakland in
three weeks, the trip to Indy for the Colts in five, the trip to the eighth
layer of hell itself in nine weeks for satan’s squad, and my cousin wants me to
head south to Atlanta for that one in ten weeks, and I want to spend my 40th
birthday on a beach in the southern-most part of California, for the Chargers
to open 2017!

(Pause).

I’ll be living under a bridge in a worn out cardboard box, in
barely twelve months, to make all that work financially …

--------------------

Since I prefer to let the professionals recap the game,
while I give you the highlights you otherwise wouldn’t witness, I’m only going
to mention two specific moments from the game itself.

1. My favorite, bar none moment, was Marcus Peters “pulling”
DJ across the goalline on DJ’s pick six.
DJ has just outrun the entire Jets offense to rumble and stumble nearly
sixty yards to the east end zone. And as
he gets to the 2, 1 ½ yard line, Marcus Peters grabs his jersey to help pull
him in. (jim mora jr voice) It was
really neat!

2. About halfway through the first quarter, security makes
their way to where I was sitting. And
once they reached where they were going, it made total sense. The dude sitting across the aisle from me was
passed out drunk, and I mean passed out.
As in “his neighbors were fearing he was dead” drunk.

The security dude shook him.
Tried tapping him. Even
semi-slapped him. He wasn’t waking up …
in any part of his body, except one.

Because no sooner did the attempt to wake him begin? Then oh yeah, the steady stream of urination
began. Dude pissed himself wetter than a
river. There was a gigantic puddle
underneath him, and his tan shorts were a lovely shade of watery. (For those of you who wonder why I never wear
anything but dark and/or heavily colored pants and shorts? As always, I plan drunk!)

Needless to say, he didn’t witness any of the six
interceptions the Chiefs participated in creating on Sunday.

--------------------

Not much to report from after the game. We waited out the traffic, had another
mini-tailgate, made it back to the Bus Barn about 7:30, just in time for
kickoff in Dallas. I was asleep by 9:30;
I just don’t have the stamina I did ten, twelve years ago, to stay up for the
prime time game after a day of tailgating and football viewing. Does this mean I’m old? I guess it does.

But hey. At least no
matter where I go?

I always find, my way back home.

--------------------

And so, begins what might be one of – if not the – most pivotal
weeks of the season.

Two credible Super Bowl contenders, duking it out on Sunday
Night Football, in the most underrated rivalry that exists in the National …
Football League.

If the Chiefs and Steelers both play like they did on
Sunday? The Chiefs will win this game,
and it won’t be even remotely competitive.
Because the Chiefs curb stomped the Jets … and the Steelers got curb
stomped by the Eagles.

And that’s why my belief entering last weekend, that
Pittsburgh was going to once again, in the words of Clark Judge ten years ago, “use
the Chiefs as their own personal urinal”, is being re-thought. Who tore the Steelers a new one on
Sunday? Former Chiefs offensive
coordinator / play caller Doug Pederson.
Who basically stole “Fat” Andy’s playbook and took it to Philly with
him.

Next post will probably be the picks. There probably won’t be much to it; I have
month and quarter end duties beginning Thursday, and my co-worker is spending
month and quarter end on a cruise in the Caribbean. (Which is great; she’s earned it. God knows she covered my ass two of the last
three years, as I ditched year-end duties to travel to Chiefs playoff games.)

I can tell you the Watch Party Plans are to be on the deck
at Russ and Mona’s. We’ll have plenty of
food and booze; we’re gonna put the fire pit to use as well. Should be fun. Or at least mildly entertaining.

Plus, this is the only game this year we’re guaranteed to
use The Deck for – we’re headed to Sioux Falls for the raiders game, to watch
it with our raider friends on their turf (as we always do, and they always come
here for the game as well), and I’m going to the game in Indy with (at least)
Anthony. The next roadie after that is
Carolina in mid-November; it might be too cold to set things up outside by
then. And I’m planning to go to denver
with the Springfield wing of our tailgating crew.

coming this week ...

About Me

(gavin degraw voice) I don't wanna be anything other than me ...
Well, I'm a Chiefs addict. Section 132 and 339 represent! I love the NBA (Go Bucks Go!) as well. I mostly lean left on social issues; I mostly lean right on economic issues; and I'm firmly in the center on matters of foreign policy. I'm 40, single, straight, white, male, Abercrombie's summer catalog's next centerfold, and somewhat insane. Other than that, I'm every girl's dream.