March 3, 2012

Kernels of Corn in the Turd, best of the blog.

This one is for you CnC

I wrote this one back in September of 2011: Sometimes my imagination runs wild:

I sometimes compose the wit and wisdom of this piece o'crap site
while doing other activities. I am very good at multitasking. I had a
long political post writing itself in my cranium while I was mowing the
yard yesterday.

Picture a bunch of monkeys sitting at
cheap desks deep in my cranium pounding away at old Underwood
typewriters. There is probably a bunch of whiteout in use. Not all of it
is sniffed. A couple of the typewriting primates are smoking cigars.
Another is drinking beer. One is just hitting keys at random. One
little spastic rhesus monkey is in charge of research, but he can never
seem to keep focus on the task at hand. One old monkey wearing a Cubs
hat seems to function as a pseudo-editor. His ADHD keeps him distracted.
That is how my posts are written.

So, back to the post
my monkeys and I were working on yesterday. I have scrapped it in my
mind along with the treatise on the French Foreign Legion, a long
dissertation on the Cold War and a discussion of the Julio-Claudian
women. I decided I did not want to spend a Sunday morning ranting about
liberal dipshits like Al Sharpton or Morgan Freeman. Their hypocrisy and
idiocy is apparent for all to see -- if you choose.

This
decision is not too popular. The monkeys are screaming and throwing
shit balls around my corpus callosum in a fit of rage right now. They
want me to really expose old Morgan Freeman for the ignorant
motherfucker he truly is. I am not going there. The Great Apes are in a
rage. They yell that instead of wasting their talents on political rants
while I pushed the mower, they could have been composing intricate
sexual fantasies involving nurses costumes and thigh-high fishnet
stockings with garter belts. The tufted capuchin is shrieking about how
we should have focused on the mowing yesterday instead of progressive
idiocy and I might not have cut down that orange chrysanthemum..