Writing for Woman's World Magazine and others. Half critique. Half blog. Half not so hot with math.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Appearing in issue #21, May 26, 2014

Title:Rosie’s clue

By
Author:Marti Attoun

Tag line: It appeared Miss Helen’s cat had some
information she wanted to share with the detective …

Police characters: Detective Jack
Phillips

The gist:Retired bank president, Helen Horton, lay dead
at the foot of her townhouse stairs. Detective Phillips watched the EMTs load
her body onto a gurney. Helen’s niece, Mary Ellen, her only relative, had split
with her husband and had been living with Helen.She heard the fall and called 911. She told
police that her aunt had knocked on her bedroom door to tell her she was going
for her morning walk and that she’d leave the door open for the
housekeeper. Helen walked each day and was often seen with her colorful track suits, styled hair, and red lipstick. Mary Ellen said the cat,
Rosie, probably tripped Helen.The housekeeper
arrived and was distraught to hear that Helen was dead.Helen had kept her on even though she didn’t
need a full-time housekeeper since her niece had moved in.The townhouse was immaculate and the
detective noted that the bed was made and the bathroom fixtures gleamed.The vanity held a soap dish and a denture
cup.He knew that Helen had recently
reported some jewelry missing.He
speculated aloud that Helen may have interrupted another robbery.When Mary Ellen heard that she claimed to not
know anything about stolen jewelry but pointed a finger at the
housekeeper.The housekeeper was stunned
that she would be accused of such a thing, started crying, and went to the
bathroom to get a tissue.While in there
she saw that the cat, Rosie, had knocked over the denture cup onto the counter top.When the detective saw the spill, he knew who
to arrest.

Crime scene:Helen’s townhouse.

Clues:The denture cup.

Suspects: Mary Ellen, the housekeeper, or some random
burglar.

Red herrings: None.

Solution:Mary Ellen wanted an advance on her
inheritance and was angry when her aunt refused.She argued with her aunt while Helen got
ready to go for her walk.Infuriated by
Helen’s refusal she pushed her aunt down the stairs.Though dressed for her walk Helen did not
have her teeth in, but Mary Ellen had not noticed. As for the stolen jewelry
last week the detective and Helen had been amused to find that the cat had
taken the sparkly gems and hidden them. Det. Phillips used the missing jewelry to
explain the ‘crime scene investigation’ and to see who jumped at the chance to
place blame.

My two cents:Well, well, well.Where do I start?

There
was the bit about the bed being made.Well, who made it?The
housekeeper hadn’t arrived yet.Was that
supposed to be a red herring?

Next Helen
said she was going to leave the door open for the housekeeper.This full-time housekeeper doesn’t have a
key?Mary Ellen couldn’t let her in?
What was the purpose of that bit of info?

So Helen did
not have her teeth in yet.Perhaps it
was the last thing she did every morning before her walk.Hardly a smoking gun.

I’m confused
about Det. Phillips using the missing jewelry to explain the ‘crime scene
investigation’. For gawd’s sake, a woman was dead.Isn’t that enough?

The story
said that Helen had kept the housekeeper on even though she didn’t need to
since her niece had moved in.Well, her
niece isn’t a housekeeper.In fact, now
the housekeeper has to clean up after two people.

The
cat accidently knocked over the denture cup?Those things are square and low and they have
a snap-on top. How do you knock that over so that it spills out onto the
counter top?If it had fallen off the
counter onto the floor maybe…

Once again
the story was not complete.You have to
read the solution, which was almost a column long, to put the pieces
together. The cat knew who the killer was and tipped off the police. Puuullleeese. Two stars.

14 comments:

I can't go back and read the story because I cut off that inspirational column on the left side of the page and sent it to a friend. But I tried to look at the piece of the page that was left. It was my understanding that Rosie knocked the denture cup off the counter. If so, this would be "Rosie's clue." Just curious if I'm right or wrong. Maybe someone could clarify. I thought the bit about Rosie hiding the jewelry was a bit strange. I wondered where the jewelry was found and how they knew Rosie had hidden it. I have cats, and they don't hide any of my stuff. My sister's poodle, on the other hand, gathers items from all over the house and takes it to his bed. He has a stash. Once a guests' red bra went missing and guess where they found it?I realize there were some issues with this story, but I didn't think it was too bad.

I'm afraid I got very confused with this one. Some interesting elements to it, but also some bits that I felt just added nothing. It made for a rather unclear story to my mind.

I've owned lots of cats and never have they hidden anything, although we did teach one to retrieve Maltesers (small round chocolate balls full of honeycomb, if you don't have them there) that we rolled up the hallway. Not that it's got anything to do with anything...

I've used the missing dentures theme myself in a ghost story, so that worked for me. But I'd have liked a bit more clarity in the storytelling.

@ Joyce. I have to stand corrected ... again. It WAS the cat that tipped the denture cup over. I read that and thought it was the housekeeper. So now the title makes more sense.

Okay, so with that said, the housekeeper sees the dentures, comes back with a white face like she's seen a ghost (cliché). I think it's over dramatic. Why wouldn't she come back to the police and say, "Helen's dentures are still here...don't you find that odd?" Or "I guess Helen didn't have time to put in her teeth before she fell." The story has the detective springing from his chair to see what had unnerved her.

@ Chris. My cat takes things and puts them in my shoe in the closet. Gifts, I guess. The weather was dreadful one day a few winters ago and I took my shoes with me in my bag to work. When I got there, I stared to change out of my boots, took my shoes out of the bag, and out fell a ratty old half eaten toy mouse. One of my cat's favorite things. I said, Aw, my little fella loves me. Of course everyone thought I was bonkers.

Actually, I remember now, my two cats used to play pat-a-cake with the Christmas tree baubles and then chase them round the room when they fell off. Still not really taking, though, is it... And you could have found a lot worse things your cat had left in your shoe, Jody, so I'm thinking a chewed toy mouse is okay.

I'm wondering if the mini-mysteries are edited like the romances? I've heard of things being changed, added, taken out, etc. of the romances. Seems like editing could improve some of the weak plots, procedural issues, and unclear clues, but I guess it could also cause some confusion.What's the scoop on editing?

@ Joyce. Yes, They edit the mystery stories also. They also make up the tag lines and often change the titles. Sometimes I think if the editing screws up a carefully plotted story. I've often had authors bemoan the fact that the changes don't jive with the original thought, or that it they cut something the author thought was important.

I just sent off my new one, Jody, after making a couple of changes based on the suggestions made by you, Betsi and Mary Jo. Right now I'm thinking they can make all the editorial changes they like if they'll only accept the thing, but of course I'll probably feel very differently if it ever gets that far.

@ Chris. Crossing fingers for you! One of these days...sooner or later...one of your stories will sell to WW. You're a great writer, your stories are well done, and interesting. I have confidence WW will see the light.

Mom on my porch, doing the same jigsaw puzzle she does every day.

Kayla, my granddaughter. :)

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Want help with your story?

My day job puts me in contact with real cops, detectives, FBI agents and DEA guys. I have worked thousands of cases from the homeless guy on the Metrorail who got arrested for jumping the turnstile -- that’s right, arrested for not having a quarter -- to the Tamiami Strangler, a serial killer who strangled hookers along the famous trail in Miami. I produce court transcripts for a living.

Who better to look at your mystery stories to see if the police procedures are true, the clues are solid and the whole thing works? I will not hesitate to point out the good, the bad and the ugly in your story. Both of my WW mysteries made it to Johnene. From there? Cross your fingers.

The line-by-line edit, which also includes grammar, spelling and proofing, will offer suggestions on how to improve problem spots. The cost is $29 payable by PayPal. 72-hour turn around time.

I’ll also take a second look once you’ve revamped your story, but this time I’ll only look for glaring errors assuming all the details you chose to put in you want to stay in.

Send your story as a Word e-mail attachment to ladyrprter at aol dot com, and the fee to PayPal using ladyrprter at aol dot com for the payee

Your tag line is the hook that gets someone interested in reading your work. It's one of the most important lines of your story. Take time to make it sparkle.

Criminals don't always think the crime through--especially if the crime is one of passion or revenge--but don't have them make stupid or stilly mistakes just to get your story written. Make the mistakes something that you just normally don't think about. Like the pruning skin in this story.

You don't always have to have crime scene details to make a mystery story work. Cozy mysteries sell well if you make the characters interesting.

Once again WW chose a story with a female cop and little old ladies. Just remember to use the proper words for the crimes and before you say things like, he jimmied the lock, understand just what that is.

You've only got 700 words. Make them count. Don't waste words on things that don't matter. And NEVER give a clue and then later in the solution change it to the opposite. That's not fair. Just how is the reader supposed to figure it out then?

There are many ways to lay out the solve-it-yourself story. You don't always have to have the reader guess who the perp is. This week's story was presented with a fresh angle. We knew who did it. The question was did she cover her tracks well enough to fool the police?

As writers we often ask the reader to suspend disbelief a bit, but don't overdo it. Keep it as real as you can or you'll lose the reader.

If you have four suspects, have four good motives. Otherwise what's the point in having four suspects? It is almost a sin to have four suspects and not have even one decent red herring in the bunch. That's just a waste of words.

When the reader expects one situation, and gets another, that's really a form of a red herring. I expected a tired old theory and was given the surprise of a fresh twist. As the reader I was tricked...and that's a good thing.

When you reuse characters be sure to make them interesting and likable. Being cranky is not the same as being interesting. Be careful to not let one of them become mean. It's hard to like someone who calls people names and teases them about their not so glorious past.

Don't introduce a main character too late in the story. The reader feels cheated.

You don't always have to have police involved for a mystery to work. Be realistic if you are going to use animals in your story. Lassie wasn't real.

Write in more than one good motive. Two or three people could have done it, but only one has the means and opportunity to go with that motive.

I realize you only have 700 words to get in your story, but use every one of those words wisely. Don't repeat to fill the space. If your story is really done in 350 words, your story is too simple.

Try not to use the same old tired solutions. We're writers. Come up with something new and interesting. Treat the readers to a challenge. If I see one more muddy footprint on a white carpet...I'm going to hurt somebody.

Readers like to follow the same characters. Once you sell a mystery to WW, try building up a following by using the same police characters in future stories. Do us all a favor though... make them likable.

I know I'm repeating myself (talk about deja vu) but please try your very best to come up with a fresh twist or interesting solution that hasn't been done before. We want WW readers to LOVE this mystery page...not become bored with it.

Don't use too many names in your story. It just confuses the reader. The story this week handled this extremely well. You knew who you were reading about from the character's description. It all flowed well and never pulled the reader out of the story.

A short story is really just a very short novel. The same rules apply. Give us characters we will love and care about. Don't have them doing silly things.

Once again we have someone not acting right. Check your facts. Check your facts. Check your facts. Did I mention you should ALWAYS check your facts? Getting the details right should just be a given.

Make sure the solution makes sense. Common sense. Put yourself in their shoes. What would you do? Think? How would you act? Don't throw in a rotten fish just for smell.

Know the proper use of words. Men don't leer at each other -- generally. lol. Don't make up a silly details to fit your story line. Make sure everything works and people act in character.

UPDATE: Woman's World has changed their rights clause.

Q: It used to be WW had FNSR, first rights with a 6-month clause. Has that changed?

A: Yes. It used to be first serial rights which meant the magazine had the right to be the first place to publish the article/story/ poem in North America (USA and Canada) and after the piece ran, you were free to resell it to another medium or to package a collection of your work into a book.

However in 2014 Bauer Publishing has changed to this:

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About Me

Following sixteen years as a travel agent (more travel than money) Jody Lebel switched gears, returned to school and became a court reporter (more money than travel). She swapped jetting off to fun and exotic locations for reporting the cases of murderers, rapists, and thieves who are, by the way, almost never in a good mood. Being assigned to the chief judge in Broward County exposed her to a wide spectrum of cases; from funny to tragic to bizarre to downright creepy. She has reported everything from a homeless guy who had jumped the turnstile on the Metrorail and was now in jail for not having a quarter, to the Tamiami Strangler, a serial killer who murdered six women. ******
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WOMAN'S WORLD FICTION GUIDELINES Mini mystery guidelines: We purchase short "solve-it-yourself" mysteries of 700 words--a count that includes the narrative and the solution. Stories should be cleverly plotted, entertaining cliffhangers that end with a challenge to the reader to figure out “whodunit” or “howdunit.” The solution to the mystery is provided in a separate box.Robbery, burglary, fraud and murder are acceptable subjects, but spare the readers any gory details or excessive violence, please! We are also not interested in ghost stories, science fiction or fantasy.We pay $500 per mystery and retain all rights after publication.IMPORTANT NOTES:Manuscripts should be double-spaced in legible size type.Where to send manuscripts:

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My track record --

I took Kate Willoughby's workshop on how to write for Woman's World magazine. I highly recommend it. Go to her blogspot site at womansworldstyle.blogspot.com for more info.

Then I sat down and wrote my first romance story for WW. That was in July 2012. It sold in November 2012 and appeared in the December 31st issue.