Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Paul DeSnizarello: B-List Kaiju Agent

For those of you who were busy losing your virginity in High School, "Kaiju" is the Japanese term used when referring to all of the monsters in the seemingly endless Godzilla movie series. Like all movie stars, Kaiju need agents. Paul DeSnizarello is one such agent.PAUL'S OFFICE IN RECIDA, CA - Top 40 radio plays softly in the background as Mr. DeSnizarello trolls the internet for pornography

P DeS: "...if ya like it then ya shoulda put a ring on it...hmm hmm hmmm...whackwhackwhackwhack

[there is a knock at the door]

P DeS: WOAH! Um, hold- hold on there, I'm um...gimme a minute!

Voice: Mr. Snizarello?

P DeS: Hold ON, God dammit! Ok...ok, come in.Anguirus: Hi Paulie.

P DeS: Angilas!! Baby, boobie, what's shakin?

Anguirus: It's Anguirus.

P DeS: Are you sure?

Anguirus: What the fuck are you-- yes, I'm sure.

P DeS: We should talk about changing that name of yours.

Anguirus: Dude we've been through this well over 30 times already. I'm not changing my name...I'm staying true to my heritage.

P DeS: Your fucked-up-looking-turtle/dog-thingy heritage?

Anguirus:...

Yes.

P DeS: How about somethin classy, like...Angilas.

Anguirus: SNIZ!

P DeS: Ok, ok...jeez. So what's happ'nin captain?

Anguirus: I need work, Paulie. I need to gig, to go out on auditions, to really get a chance to hone all of the nuances to my perfor--

P DeS: Tough market right now, Angie.

Anguirus: You've been saying that since 1987.

P DeS: 'Strue.

Anguirus: What about commercials? I mean, I could do a campaign for Apple! They've gotta be getting rid of that "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC" shit soon, right? Maybe a guest spot on "House" or something? Are the Power Rangers still on air?

P DeS: Angie. Baby. Boobie. Bubuluh. Boopie. Bingie. Bangie. Boongie.

Anguirus: What the hell are you doing?

P DeS: (shrugs) I figured if I kept saying words you'd forget why you came here. And look! It worked! I have no clue why you're here!

Anguirus: Well I remember, jackass. I need WORK, Paulie! Look, I was Godz--

P DeS: Godzilla's first enemy waaaay back in 1955 before it was cool to be a Kaiju, yes I know, I know. I've only heard you tell the damned Godzilla Raids Again story about ten thousand times now...

Anguirus: That movie-- nay, film, was a classic, Paulie, AND YOU KNOW IT. Finest in the franchise. And I carried that whole damn project. Carried it right on my back, I did, you and I both know that Gojira-- oh, excuse me, "Godzilla" couldn't act his way out of a fucking PAPER BAG back then and-- Paul what the hell are you laughing at?

P DeS: I's just laughin at picturin you wit somethin on your back on account of you got all dem freaky spikey deformities.Anguirus: You're a real dickhead sometimes, Paul. I mean, c'mon! You've done some great stuff for some of your other clients. Jet Jaguar has his own late night talk show in Osaka, and you landed Rodan the lead on that HBO series. Where's MY love, Paulie? When's it MY time to shine?

P DeS: Ok, you wanna know the truth? You wanna know the real reason I ain't been sending you out? It's cuz NO ONE IS AXIN FOR YA. Ok??? That make ya feel better?

Anguirus: But WHY? I went to NYU! I have a DEGREE IN ACTING from NYFUCKINGU, did you tell them THAT?

P DeS: You're a DIVA, Angie, ok? That's what it is...

Anguirus: Well I NEVER IN ALL MY--

P DeS: Then, of course...there's the video.

Anguirus: Um...what ever do you mean? I'm not...aware of any...video...

P DeS: This one:Anguirus: Oh Jesus Christ, that thing's like 15 years old!! We were a little tipsy one night and-- wait, why did you have that video already up on your computer?P DeS: Um...

Uh...

Research?

Anguirus: Whatever! And what the hell's up with Gojira anyway? I haven't heard from "Mr. Hollywood" in forever now! I thought we were going to start workshopping that buddy comedy we were going to pitch to CBS.

P DeS: Yea...um...about that...

Anguirus: Oh you are FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT? RIGHT???? THAT MOTHERFUCKER DOES ONE GODDAMN FILM WITH MATTHEW BRODERICK AND HE THINKS HE'S LEO GODDAMN DE FUCKING CAPRIO!