Funeral Etiquette

When someone you know dies, or faces a death in
their family, your first instinct may be to help- but you may not be sure of what to say
or what to do. It is natural to feel this way.

One of the highest privileges you can accept is helping a
friend or family member during their time of grief. This booklet has been prepared to
guide you on the proper etiquette of funerals and visitations, so you will feel more
confident, knowing your actions are appropriate, and welcome. It will also give you some
helpful advice on how you can be of comfort to the bereaved.

The Condolence Visit.

While you may feel hesitant about intruding on the family
during their grief, the condolence visit is important. It reassures the bereaved that
while their loved one is gone, they are not alone; that while they have suffered a great
loss, they are still connected to the living, and that life will, indeed, go on.

When should I visit?

Immediately upon learning of a death, intimate friends of
the family should go to the home of the mourner to offer sympathy and ask if they can
render any service. There are many ways you can be helpful, by providing food or assisting
with child care, making phone calls or answering the door.

You may make a condolence visit at any time, before the
funeral or after, especially in the first weeks following the death. If you call early you
may certainly pay another visit to let the bereaved know they remain in your thoughts.

You may prefer to visit the family at the funeral home.
This setting may be more comfortable for you and the family, as they are prepared for
visitors. The newspaper will provide information about calling hours, or you may call the
funeral home for instructions.

How long should I stay at a condolence call or
visitation?

You need not stay long; fifteen minutes gives you enough
time to express your sympathy and offer your support. Of course, if the bereaved indicates
they would like you to remain for a while, take your cue from them and stay longer. Use
your own judgment. If you feel your presence is of comfort, offer to stay as long as the
family needs you and you are able.

What should I say?

Using your own words, express your sympathy. Kind words
about the deceased are always appropriate. Depending on your relationship to the family,
you may say something like: "I am so sorry about John. He was a good friend, and I
will miss him very much."

If the bereaved wants to talk, they usually simply need to
express their feelings; they arent necessarily looking for a response from you. They
may say things that seem irrational or pose questions that have no answer, and the kindest
response is usually a warm hug, and a sympathetic, "I understand."

What should I not say?

Do not ask the cause of death; if the family wants to
discuss it, let them bring it up.

Dont give advice. The family should be allowed to
make their own decisions without influence from well-meaning friends.

Dont make comments that would diminish the
importance of the loss. Comments such as "you are young, youll marry
again," or "he was suffering so much, death was a blessing," or
"Ive been through this myself," are not comforting to the bereaved.

Religious & ethnic customs.

Customs may differ among various communities, ethnic
groups and religions, and we have tried to indicate a few of the most important
differences here. Please feel free to contact us for guidance, as we are well versed in
the customs of many faiths. For more details, you may also refer to a more comprehensive
guide, such as those by Emily Post or Amy Vanderbilt.

Mourning in the Jewish faiths.

In families of Jewish faiths, interment of the deceased
usually occurs within twenty-four hours of death, at which time the family returns home
for a seven-day period of mourning. The first days of mourning are reserved for the
family; friends usually wait until at least the third day to visit. Calls are generally
made in the evenings or on the Sunday of the week of the death; calls are not made on the
Sabbath (from Friday afternoon until after dark on Saturday).

Remember, customs will vary depending if the family is of
the Orthodox or the Reform Jewish faith. Please ask us if you need guidance.

The Formal Visitation.

A formal visitation provides a time and place for friends
to offer their expressions of sorrow and sympathy. This practice is most common among the
Protestant and Catholic faiths. The obituary notice should tell you the visitation hours
and when the family will be present, or you may call the funeral home for this
information.

Meet the family.

Upon arrival, go to the family, and express your sympathy
with an embrace or by offering your hands. Dont feel as though you must avoid
talking about the person who has died. Talking can help the grieving process begin. Offer
a simple statement of condolence, such as "Im so sorry. My sympathy to you and
your family," or "Your grandmother was a fine person. She will be missed by
many."

If you were an acquaintance of the deceased but not
well-known to the family, immediately introduce yourself. You may say something like,
"Hello, we have not met, but George and I worked together several years ago. My name
is Mary Smith."

Emotions.

Do not feel uncomfortable if you or the bereaved becomes
emotional or begins to cry. Allowing the bereaved to grieve is a natural healing process.
However, if you find yourself becoming extremely upset, it would be kinder to excuse
yourself so as not to increase the strain on the family.

Pay your respects to the person who has died.

Viewing the deceased is not mandatory. However, if offered
by the family, it is customary to show your respects by viewing the deceased and, if you
desire, spending a few moments in silent prayer. The family may wish to escort you to the
casket, or you may proceed on your own.

Signing the register.

Always enter your name in the register book, using your
full name so the family can better identify you. If you were a business associate of the
deceased, it is appropriate to note your company affiliation if the family may not
otherwise know you.

Conduct.

After you have spoken to the family, it is perfectly
appropriate to engage in quiet conversation with friends you may meet at the visitation.
Your simple presence will mean a lot to the family. You do not need to stay for the entire
visitation, but try not to leave during prayers, if they are being offered.

Other Expressions of Condolences.

While there is no substitute for a personal visit if you
are physically able to do so, there are many other ways to express your sympathy.

Flowers.

A floral tribute can be of great comfort to the family. If
you can imagine walking into a room filled with the loveliness and the soft fragrance of
beautiful flowers, you can understand how something so simple can be so meaningful.

You may send your flowers to the funeral home or the
residence before the funeral. It is also appropriate to send flowers to the residence
after the funeral. Your florist can guide you in selecting something appropriate within
your price range.

There are only a few exceptions when flowers are not
appropriate. If the family requests flowers be omitted, or that donations in lieu of
flowers be made, you should honor the request. You should not send flowers to an Orthodox
Jewish funeral. Flowers are not sent to a Catholic church, although they are welcomed at
the funeral home. Protestant churches will generally accept flowers, but many families
prefer flowers be sent to the funeral home, with the casket having a floral offering from
the family for the funeral.

Mass Cards.

When the deceased was Catholic, mass cards may be sent
instead of or in addition to flowers. Catholics and non-Catholics may arrange for a mass
to be said for the deceased. Contact us for information about obtaining a mass card, which
you may mail or give personally to the family, usually before the funeral. Or, you may
leave your card on the tray provided at the funeral home. It is also appropriate to
arrange a mass on the anniversary of the death.

Memorial Gifts.

A gift of remembrance is always appropriate, especially
when the family had requested such a gift in lieu of flowers. It is nice to personalize
your gift to the deceased, for example, by making a gift to his or her alma mater, or
contributing to medical research for the disease they suffered. Or, the family will
suggest a specific charity or other memorial fund.

We can provide you with the appropriate card to inform the
family of your gift. You should also provide the familys name and address to the
charity so they can send proper notification. It is also acceptable to mention your gift
in a note of condolence, without mentioning the monetary amount. You might say,
"Because Aunt Louise loved the ballet so much, we have made a gift to the city ballet
in her honor."

Cards and notes.

Sending a card of sympathy is always in good taste, even
if you were simply an acquaintance of the deceased. If the family is not likely to
recognize your name, it is kind to add a few words to your expressions of sympathy, such
as "Margaret and I were classmates in college "

If you were well-acquainted with the deceased and/or the
family, a personal note is a gracious way to convey your feelings. These letters are often
saved and treasured by the family. Like flowers, they are tangible symbols of caring.

The best letters are simple but sincere expressions of
your sympathy for the family, of your affection for the deceased, and your desire to be of
some help to the family. Try to relate a personal and fond memory of the deceased- how you
first met, perhaps- and also tell how he or she may have influenced your life. And of
course, all notes should be handwritten.

Phone calls.

If you are local, a visit is preferred. Out-of-town
friends should telephone as soon as possible to offer condolences and offer their
services. Keep your call brief, since many others will be calling at this time. If a
friend or family member is fielding phone calls for the mourners, be sure to leave your
name and a brief message, and ask if there is a good time when you may call again.

Telegrams.

Telegrams are appropriate from those who are not intimate
with the family, for example, a business associate or a former neighbor. The family will
appreciate your message of concern.

Gifts for the family.

The most welcome gift at this time is food. The bereaved
may have little interest or energy for managing household duties. Also, there may be
several visitors in the house who need to be fed. During the days immediately following
the death, bring substantial dishes that require little preparation other than perhaps
reheating. Or, you may want to bring something to help the family with their hosting
duties, such as cookies or some other food they may serve to visitors.

It would also be kind to remember the children, who are
going through a difficult time. A small gift such as a book or a quiet toy like a puzzle
would be appropriate.

Give of your time. Volunteer to undertake a specific task
to ease the familys strain- watch the children, care for the pets, vacuum the house,
run errands.

Money is not an appropriate gift, although exceptions may
be made when the family is left in extreme financial difficulty. In that case, friends may
wish to pool contributions to make a gift of assistance.

The Funeral Service.

The funeral service will differ depending on the religious
and personal beliefs of the family. The service may be held at a church, temple, funeral
home or residence. Most families choose the funeral home as the setting, with a brief
service often following at graveside.

Seating.

Whether the service is held at the funeral home or at a
place of worship, enter quietly and be seated. Depending on the size of the funeral, you
may be assisted by an usher. The first few rows are usually reserved for family members,
but you should feel free to sit closely behind them to offer your support and comfort.

The ceremony.

The ceremony is generally conducted by a member of the
clergy. Do not worry if you are unfamiliar with the religious customs of the family.
Follow the guide of others.

Conclusion of ceremony.

Often, the family will want a few private moments with
their loved one after the ceremony. If you are informed that the service is concluded, you
will want to leave promptly, and wait in your car if you plan to be part of the funeral
procession. You are not obligated to participate in the procession, but the moments can be
difficult for the family.

Please turn on your headlights so you will be identified
as part of the procession, and remember to turn them off when you arrive at the cemetery.

At the cemetery.

If there is a graveside service, the chairs at the casket
are reserved for immediate family members. You may be asked to stand for the brief
graveside service, which may include a short prayer or other words of strength and
encouragement. An announcement is generally made at the end of the remarks indicating if
the family will be receiving visitors at home following the service.

What is appropriate dress?

Black is not required today for the visitation or the
funeral. You should dress in a way to show respect to the family and other mourners. This
usually means a suit and conservative tie for men, and conservative clothes for women.
Children should be dressed in their better clothes, such as what they might wear to
church. The most important thing is not how you are dressed, but that you are there.

Should children come to a funeral?

Parents are the best judge of whether their child is old
enough to comprehend death and whether attending the funeral will be meaningful to them.
It is important that children be allowed to express their grief and share in this
important ritual. Children can also be naturally uplifting to those in grief, a hopeful
reminder of the future. If you bring young children, carefully explain to them the
importance of being on their very best behavior. If a very young child becomes cranky or
noisy, remove them promptly so as not to disturb the dignity of the occasion.

Immediately After the Funeral.

Immediately after the funeral, the family often extends an
open invitation to join them for food and a quiet reception at home. This provides an
opportunity for friends and family to talk, and provides some rest and refreshment,
especially for those who have traveled to the funeral.

It is a nice gesture to offer to bring food ahead of time
for this post-funeral gathering. Your offer of food at any time in the days, weeks and
even months after a death will be greatly appreciated by the family who will be busy
attending to other details while also trying to cope with the day-to-day routine. Be
specific in your offer; for example, you may say "I would like to prepare a chicken
casserole for your dinner; may I bring it over on Thursday?"

Afterwards.

After the difficult and busy days surrounding a death, the
family is faced with the challenge of resuming their lives. Your understanding and help at
this time can be a major comfort.

What should I say when I run into the bereaved
in public?

What you say depends upon whether or not you have already
had contact with the bereaved. If you have already paid a condolence call, or attended the
visitation or funeral, simply greet your friend warmly and express an interest in their
well-being.

If this is your first meeting since the death, your
impulse may be to express your sympathy. However, it is kinder to not bring up the death
directly, as you may bring about tears, which, in a public place, could be painful to your
friend. Rather, be tactful with your comments, perhaps saying something like, "I
understand these must be difficult days for you " If you wish, inquire when a
good time might be to visit, or make a specific invitation to lunch or dinner.

What can I do to help later?

The family will continue to need your support for many
months to come. Dont disappear after the funeral. Drop a note or make a phone call
on a regular basis. Ask them to lunch. Continue to include them in your social plans; they
will let you know when and if they are ready to participate.

It is also especially kind to remember the family on
special occasions during the first year of their bereavement. A note to the widow or
widower on his or her wedding anniversary, or a phone call on the birthday of the deceased
will be appreciated. Dont worry that you will be bringing up the pain of the loss;
they are well aware of their loss. Rather, your acknowledgement doesnt just
recognize the death, it reaffirms that a life was lived.

We hope that this will answer any questions that you
may have. As always, if you have any additional questions, please feel free to call us at
(856) 455-2600 or write to us at questions@freitagfuneralhome.com