(Closed) My Future-FIL is inviting people to our wedding!

We are having a “destination” wedding at a venue somewhere in between my hometown and my fiancee’s hometown. We want an intimate and small gathering, and will be inviting about 85 guests total, with an expected 40-60 guests on the actual day. Because we both have large families, we’ve had to be pretty harsh when it comes to whittling down the number of invites we’re sending out. The venue is already booked, but since the wedding isn’t until September 2012, we haven’t yet done the invitations – just the final list.

And then on the weekend we had my future FIL over for dinner (he lives out of town and drops by randomly every couple weeks or so), and he dropped a bomb. He asked us how the planning was coming, then oh so casually said “oh, by the way, I invited a, b, c, d, and e to the wedding. They’re sooo excited! I hope that’s OK!”. Then he swiftly changed the subject while I sat there staring with my mouth hanging open in shock. My fiancee turned around and gave me a look like “what did he just say?”, but he didn’t say anything.

A little background here on my fiancee and his father’s relationship:

When FI was little, his parents had a very tumultuous relationship that often turned violent. FI was caught in the middle, witnessed everything, and a few times was targeted by his dad’s drug-fueled rages. When his parents divorced, FI didn’t see his father for about 12 years. About a year ago, future FIL came a knocking on our door, clean and sober, and very repentant. He admitted to everything, he apologized for everything, and he threw himself at FI’s feet begging for forgiveness and a chance to be part of our lives. Everything has gone swimmingly since. They get along great, and FI actually gets excited at the idea of spending time with his father now. BUT, FI doesn’t like to make waves. He’s VERY passive in this relationship.

So what do I do? Do I upset the balance and call future FIL on his rude assumption that he can invite whoever he wants to our wedding? Or do I just let it slide? Any suggestions on how to tackle this if I do decide to confront him? Is it even my place to do that, or should FI be doing it? I have no idea how to handle this. I still can’t even believe that someone took it upon themselves to invite their friends to our wedding!

I’ve never met any of the people he invited, FI’s met one of them – it’s his father’s oldest friend. None of them are what could be called his “date” – he hasn’t been seeing anyone since he broke up with his girlfriend over a year ago.

We are paying for the entire wedding ourselves – though my parents have offered to help if things come up that we haven’t budgeted for. So far there have been no offers of help from anyone on his side – including future FIL. We’re be paying about $50/head for the dinner.

I wouldn’t worry until you have to send out invitations. My own Mom did the same but until ppl get an invitation, your not invited. Since FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, we have final decision.

I think it’s pretty common for a proud parent to want to invite their friends.

In this case (IMO) your FI probably doesn’t want to create waves due to the insecurities placed in his heart as a child. I would talk to your FI about it and just kindly open it that he doesn’t need to fear about his dad leaving just b/c he doesn’t get his way or anything of that sort… <– this may not be the case but I know that alot of times adults act certain ways like this when having grown up in unstable families

It’s your FI place to set his parents & family and not yours. It’s your place to talk it through with you FI and get on the same page about it… and then support him as he should support you in letting all families know =)

Honestly, he may just be completely clueless. One of my friends had this with her MIL–she had never planned an event and didn’t understand why you just couldn’t verbally invite random people.

Let’s give FFIL the benefit of the doubt and he is just a dumb guy. While I definitely think it’s up to FI to discuss it with him, you may have to step in. I wouldn’t be dramatic or emotional about it. Just explain how weddings work, how you want yours to be and why you won’t be inviting any of these people (maybe the person FI does know?).

I would take care of this soon, because Lord only knows how many people he’ll invite over the next year:)

Thanks for the suggestions….I’m totally lost on the etiquette required in this kind of situation. Because we’re paying for everything ourselves, I assumed that we’d have control of the guest list. I thought parents only got involved in that if they were paying for everything. We’ve even allotted space for a certain amount of friends of the family that we knew our parents would want to invite. This just came so out of the blue that I was shocked into in-action.