Look Out! Jessica Cut Her Own Bangs

Late last Friday night, Jessica was alone her dorm (again). And yep — you guessed it — she got a hold of the scissors. “I liked her better before, but I still didn’t really like her that much," stated one of Jessica’s suitemates in an interview. Another suitemate remarked, “It looks so cute!,” while a third merely said, “My dishes in the sink are hairy now.”

Monday morning, witnesses reported Jessica skipping into class to say hello. Her classmate and alleged crush Jeremy (C '22) stated, “She literally never talks to me, but today she said hey… she was shoving her forehead towards my face so I think she like…got a…new pair of glasses or something?” Witnesses report this was a “big oof” to Jessica, who has never worn glasses in her life.