Monday, July 13, 2009

instant messenging at work is awesome

So uh, I hope everybody had a good weekend. I pretty much laid low, and stayed in all weekend. And by laying low and staying in, I mean I turned the air conditioning up really high, turned all the lights off, closed all the blinds, and sat around and cried. It was awesome.

Let's get this thing started, shall we? I was IM'ing (instant messaging) my friend the other day - I was definitely NOT at work - and this is what went down (mom & dad, warning - there are curse words):

Friend says:you mf

heck yeah, man says:haha

Friend says:dude

Friend says:did you know I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU, SLEEP WITH BOTH EYES OPEN MOTHERFUCKER

Friend says:hahaha

heck yeah, man says:lol at the size of the hole in your head within seconds from the minute you try to illegally enter my apartment

Friend says:hahaha

heck yeah, man says:lol @ you sneaking into my apartment, thinking i'm in one bedroom sleeping, when i'm really just waiting in the shadows for a moment like this, and i come out of nowhere from behind you and slit your throat so slowly taht you feel the blade cut so slow, and before you die, you feel the air getting harder and harder to breathe. you die a horrible death while i piss on your dying body

Friend says:lol at the size of the hole in your head when you wake up and realize you forgot to wake up and shoot me.

Friend says:HAHAHAHAHA

heck yeah, man says:lol @ the minute you try to break in, my motion activated speakers turn on AND FUCKING OBITUARY'S "THE END COMPLETE" STARTS BLASTING AT EARDRUM SHATTERING VOLUMES AND ITS SO AWESOME CAUSEOBITUARY IS AWESOME AND ALL THE LIGHTS COME ON AND THE DEATH METAL IS SO LOUD THAT EVERYBODY IS HAVING AN AWESOME FUCKING TIME

Friend says:LOL AT ME PEEING IN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH WHILST YOU SLEEP AND YOU SMILING THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME. THEN I SHOVE THE SHOTGUN INTO YOUR MOUTH AND PAINT YOUR HEADBOARD WITH YOUR FUCKING BRAINS

Friend says:LOL

Friend says:!!!

heck yeah, man says:AND OUT OF NOWHERE APPEARS OBITUARY AND THEY'RE JAMMING SO HARD AND IM JAMMING SO HARD AND YOUR GETTING A JACK KNIFE JAMMED INTO YOUR SKULL SO HARD FUCK YOU IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU

Friend says:LOL

heck yeah, man says:wow lol

Friend says:literally LOL at this point

I didn't fix most of the typos, as I was typing so furiously that I couldn't control my fingers.

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tall man on the loose in tampa area

True story, there is a tall man terrorizing the Tampa area. This weirdo usually hangs out around parks, trying to find pick-up games of basketball - during which, he will grab the ball and maneuver around so that you come into contact with his stinky, naughty bits.

Truly an unpleasant experience.

His signature move is the "bait and switch junk grab". As you're grabbing for the ball, his junk magically appears. In the way of your hand.

Another one of his famous moves is to let the ball go loose, then as you scramble for it, his sweaty ass gets in the way. Of your face.