so utk kesekian kalinya...happy 24th birthday dear afen...and happy 30th anniversary to grandma up above...i truly love myself...and i always love and missing you grandma...if only my grandma is here with me, i probably will give her hugs and kisses...coz i know i love her...

tu la aku sllu ingtkn famly ku anniversary my grandma...coz i want her memories stay with us...even i do not have any...

A relationship is like a garden. If it is to thrive it must be watered regularly. Special care must be given, taking into account the seasons as well as any unpredictable weather. New seeds must be sown and weeds must be pulled. similarly, to keep the magic of love alive we must understand its seasons and nurture love's special needs.

The springtime of love

Falling in love is like sprintime. We feel as though we will be happy forever. We cannot imagine not loving our partner. It is a time of innocence. Love seems eternal. It is a magical time when everything seems perfect and works effortlessly. Our partner seems to be the perfect fit. We effortlessly dance together in harmony and rejoice in our good fortune.

The summer of love

Throughtout the summer of love we realize our partner is not as perfect as we thought, and we have to work on our relationship. Not only is our partner from another planet, but he or she is also a humann who makes mistakes and is flawed in certain ways.

Frustration and disappointment arise, weeds need to be up-rooted and plants need extra watering under the hot sun. It is no longer easy to give love and get the love we need. We discover that we are not always happy, and we do not always feel loving. It is not our picture of love.

Many couples at this point become disillusioned. They do not want to work on a relationship. They unrealistically expect it to be spring all the time. They blame their partners and give up. They do not realize that love is not always easy; sometimes it requires hard work under a hot sun. In the summer of love, we need to nurture our partner's needs as well as ask for and get the love we need. It doesn't happen automatically.

The autumn of love

As a result of tending the garden during the summer, we get to harvest the results of our hard work. Fall has come. It is a golden time-rich and fulfilling. We experience a more mature love that accepts and understands our partner's imperfections as well as our own. It is a time of thanksgiving and sharing. Having worked hard during summer we can relax and enjoy the love we have created.

The winter of love

Then the weather changes again, and winter comes. During the cold, barren months of winter, all of nature pulls back within itself. It is a time of rest, reflection and renewal. This is a time in relationship when we experience our own unresolved pain or our shadow self. It is when our lid comes off and our painful feelings emerge. It is a time of solitary growth when we need to look more to ourselves than to our partners for love and fulfillment. It is a time of healing. This is the time when men hibernate in their caves and women sink to the bottom of their wells.

After loving and healing ourselves through the dark winter of love, then spring inevitably returns. Once again we are blessed with the feelings of hope, love and an abundance of possibilities. Based on the inner healing and soul searching of our wintery journey, we are then able to open our hearts and feel the springtime of love...

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

when you are no longer with your bf/gf, automatically you'll be the EX...

the EX can be either the good EX or the bad EX...i sometimes wonder why the ex's cant be friends...well, congratulations if you can be friends with your so-called-ex...

i know it's not easy to be friends with someone that u used to know love...but it's not impossible...well, it's easy for me to say...you just have to forget all the lovey-dovey feelings and start over with nothing...but most importantly, just get over it...besides, time heals everything...so it is useless for you to use your brain thinking about it...

continue with my title...i will start with the good ex...the good ex regardless of whose fault it is, will always stays positive...you know you used to love her/him but you can always be his/her friends...if you cant save the relationship but at least you make an effort to be his/her friend...but make sure, you stick on 'friendship mode' meaning no more love, no more lovey rules, etc...both parties should remember that be friends with your ex is be friends with your ex..not to be a couple again..and also love your enemy...

the bad ex...hhhuuuu....obviously, the bad ex is always negative...he/she won't make friends with his/her ex...i know it will take time to be friends again...even if you don't want to be friends with him/her, don't be like the bad ex that still be there interfering his/her ex's life...meaning, comparing him/herself with the new bf/gf, contacting the ex bf/gf saying miss the moment even if he/she knows that their ex have move on...when he/she is not that into you, he/she is not that into you....so stop contacting your ex...contact with him/her only if you have an important news or to catch up with their life...

whether you are the good or the bad ex, do remember that friendship is border-less...move on...love your enemy...even if you don't like the new partner, you don't have to criticize...you just have to accept that he/she is no longer your gf/bf and hope the best for them...

the reason why i wrote this because my ex and i are really good friends...we're broke up last year, continue our friendship and still going strong...we still contact each other thru phone or fb...and we still seeing each other as friends...laugh as friends...share things as friends...and he even know that i'm with someone else now...and i also knew every affairs he have...:D....btw, my new partner, contrast to us...they have their own history and i wish not to tell...but, i do wish to tell to his ex that he is moving on...past is past...so deal with it...be his friend...and hope the best for him...cheers...

Saturday, April 7, 2012

its almost 2 am here in KK...and i cant sleep due to +++10 cups of coffee within 9hrs ago...im not planning to stay up to do my assignment or whatever..but i just LLOOVVEE coffee....people say that coffee 'leech-ing' your calcium out from your bones...but u can buy/drink Anlene to refill your lost calcium, right?...so there's no need for me to quit my coffee...yeehaa....<3

for all Christians, today is officially Easter's Eve....and im waiting for Easter since weeks ago...and now, Easter is less than 24hrs...and im extremely happy...:)

Friday, March 30, 2012

the 1st reason why i love this series is:
----->>> Josh Lucas...one of my fav movie is sweet home alabama...i truly in love with the hero (jake), and madly in love with how he handle his wife (melanie), and deeply in love with him (jake) now since he is mitch mcdeere in The Firm.....and he is Josh Lucas...he's so handsome...i like his smile..his eyes...damn, im melting...hahahahaha (if my mom read this, she will laughing at me as if tomorrow never comes....).....oh shit, i cant stop thinking bout him....

next.....(while controling myself not to picture him haha)

the 2nd reason is:
----->> the story line...its complicated, clever, almost like prison break, full with problems, secretly back-stabbing partners...the 'clean' romance...and it will leave the audience wanting more when the episode ended...and i honestly cant wait for the next episode everytime i watched it...i keep on guessing as if im him....hahhahaahha

i want to buy the complete dvds of the firm...coz i cant wait for it...but, as a student, i told myself not to buy coz i know it will consume a lot of my time since i will watch it back2back...and will forget bout priorities...and i hate that...i also extremely hate waiting but for the time being, its the best for me...sigh...

Friday, March 16, 2012

this past few days kn, i knew other people's opinions about me...most of the time, im a positive thinker...so, words spoken will never affect me...but this time, gosh, it really hurts me A LOT....i cant really describe me how much it pains me...but, i just stayed positive and assumed that they have no clue whatsoever about things that happened to me...

well, my forever best-est best friend is my mom...she knew everything about me...we are so damn close...i almost cry when we talked about this bullshit...

i dont really care what others might think of me...because i live for me not for them...whatever decisions i made or will make is basically for my own good...

did they ever consider about me when they made decisions in their life before? obviously, NO...

do they will think of me as part of their decisions next? obviously, NO...

because they are who they are...they live for themselves...they made decisions for their own good...and any problems they encountered stayed in their freaking mind until they find the perfect solutions...

and thats what happened to me too...FYI, it happens all the time...who said life isnt about ups and downs? those who didnt experienced the wheel of life, are not human...

i do have my own problems...lots of it...some i found the perfect solutions...some i found so-so solutions...while some i cant even think of any way out...oh not to mention the pending problems...gosh...

im studying not working...so, obviously money is the major problem...i knew it will be my problem since i studied in matric...thus, i learned how to control my money flow...i seldom asked money from anyone mostly my family unless if i really needed it...i seldom asked my family to buy me things unless if they offered then i will say yes...my money source is my parents...i know how much my dad's monthly income...i know how much will my dad pay for utilities each month...and i know how much money left...and i do know how much will i get from it...

i do really sorry for my parents...i feel like im leech-ing their money out...i always wanted to stop my parents from giving me money...but, they will always give...if they asked me if i still have enough money, sometimes i did lied to them, and said i have enough...but inside my purse, its lesser than enough...

after the conversation with my mom, i think of quitting uni...i can always apply back to study...and will look for a job to please everyone...and for the first time, my motto of "live for my own" is useless...how can i study happily and peacefully if im the leech?

if i have kids one day, i will always support them if they want to further their study...thats what my parents did to me and thats what i will do...i know my mom wanted me to further my study, but i cant because others might not like it...its not easy to please everyone...but for the time being, quitting is the best way out...cause i dont wanna be the leech in anybody's eyes...

but he always call me syg eventho im not his syg...sy x kesa if dia mau pgl sy syg...coz i just assume syg is my new nickname instead of afen...

from the first time, i gave him my number, i was like not wanting/expecting his call/text...i gave him my dg, so i left my dg phone in my bedroom, always...but after a few days, few phone calls and few texts from him, i decided to reply all, its been ages since i last reload my dg so i used my celcom...but actually kn, sy x suka ba mau reply or talk with any guy..tp rsa bsalah punya pasal sy reply all msgs tmasuk la msgs yg sy x reply dulu2 x kira sepa sendernya...

recently, after weeks of silence between the two of us, i decided to give him a call...as always im syg...he asked me again if i would love to be his gf...and as always i said no, not now...

lg 1 benda aku x ska is aku x ska mau cek fb org...apa lg mau bca latest status updates...but yesterday, i was 'told' to check his fb...so i checked la...guess what i found in his timeline..earlier feb 2012, twice ah he puts married to _________...and just days before i called him, he changed from married to single...

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

it wasnt a day with my boyfriend....but it was a day that my father was discharged from hospital...and it was the blessed day ever..

sat, 11 feb 2012..
at first, i blamed myself for not checking my father thoroughly...i just knocked the door, switched on the light, and asked my father if he wants to eat or not...i thought my father was sleeping...but he wasnt...

he was cold, shaking, sweating, and unconscious...i have no idea how long he was in that conditions..a minute, an hour, or maybe more...i was scared and panicked...not sure what to do, i texted my sister and called my mom...i was actually crying for a minute in my room before i decided to text, to call and to go downstair to tell my other sister...

i cant handled that kind of situation...i will be crying inside while shaking on the outside...i was full with guilt...

when we were in the hospital, waiting patiently outside the emergency room, families keep asking me, why i didnt waking up my dad earlier...i did...but my assumption was wrong...

the doctor told us that my father's sugar level was low...dangerously low...1.9...he could die...so he stayed in the hospital for 4 days...dripped with sugar...

my father's sugar count can increase/decrease like bullet train fast or snail slow...and it was pretty scary...coz we have to maintain the sugar...so that it not fall to dangerously low or fly up to diabetic high...it was easy in the hospital since they have their sugar indicator (not sure whats its name)...but its really hard now since my dad already checked out from the hospital-hotel...

so, we have to make sure that my dad have enough sugar everyday...thats mean, eating sweets....and eating on time...no more skipping meals...

i wish that after this experience, no more drop dead sugar incident...i want my parents to be A ok...

btw, i love to celebrate valentine's day...even if some people said that it shouldnt be celebrated...since love can be celebrate each and everyday...but for me, YES we can celebrate and cherish our love everyday, we can buy flowers, chocolates or presents everyday...but valentines day is known as love's day...no matter what history behind it, but its a LOVE's DAY....its a day to express love, to share love and to be with love out of jealousy (sy mengaku sy jeles nmpk kwn dpt bunga bln may padahal bukan valentines day coz sy pun mau 1...so bgus lg bg sma2 dgn kwn msa valentines day so no envy girl hehe...)....

so, apa2 pun yg other people ckp psl valentines day, i tak kesa...sy mau jua celebrate valentines day the way i want to celebrate it...valentines day not strictly to christians only...its for all...same goes to friendship day...why you wanna celebrate friendship more than love?? is friendship for all while love for christian?? if people still wanna categorized non-living things as christian or non-christian, go ahead...my advice for christians out there - we stand what we stand, hold tight, remain silent, and dont join anger..my advice for non-christian out there who want to plot anything against christian - as malaysians, you should know that Islam and AGONG are two issues that shouldnt be touched, your religion is secured now and forever, then why bother others?

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

its february...its cupid...its love....so, i want to post anything that relate to love...from now till the end of this month...boring??? i tak kesa...

so now, im officially switching on my love mode...jubii...

i knew that nobody's perfect...but, im kinda perfectionist...well, for sure, i cant be perfect, but, i can try to be one...and people say, human will make mistakes from the beginning of their live till they turn to stony cold 6ft under...but that doesnt mean that we as human are OK to make mistakes...NEVER...but, we as human are OK to prevent doing any mistakes...and THATS perfection...

when it comes to feb = love, people will automatically think feb = love among couples, relationship men and women, husbands and wives, etc...and when it comes to mistake, these relationships are the magnet of it...

after a 'break-up' 3yrs ago (well, not exactly a break-up, but he left me for another girl, and yet, they are no longer together as i wrote this post), i realized that i should buy books...books about relationship...books about love...books about long-lasting relationship...ada ka???

as a student, i had trained myself to follow rules or steps...especially in lab, i must follow the steps and prevent any possible errors...so, i neeeeeeeed those books to help me....to guide me to a better me...in relationship...for me, it sounds really desperate (at first)...but since im a perfectionist, i am desperate enough to learn...to learn whats the best for me and for my future partner...because break-up is SUXXXXXZ....

so my first book about relationship is "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" by John Gray...(promote jap...) if u want to buy any books about relationship, do buy this book first and foremost...why?? because u have to understand your man and yourself first...this book teach u how to understand your man (for girls' case)...and this book also teach u that all the differences your former gf/bf said bout u or vice versa, can be treated/prevented with understanding among the sexes...so this book is really all-in-one...

The biggest different between mars and venus:- men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others...- meaning: men always back and forth from the natural him to the silent him...natural: ladies...have fun with him...silent: ladies...go and find your girl-friend for chat...while ladies' rise-and-fall: gents, understand ur lady...- conclusion: gents understand the ladies, the ladies set the gents free to silent mode...

through this book, i realized that the cant-stop-talking routine of mine, was the biggest mistake i ever made in my past relationship...it really showed me that i am not fully understand him as a man...i am not aware when he pulled back...and when i should shut my f-ing mouth...and now i knew, i hope that i can detect the pull-back and practice to zip up my kissable mouth in my current/future relationship...

i cant sleep......i keep on repeating this song for almost 2 hours now...no reason for that actually...but it reminds me of someone...someone that i cant even reach...so, i back to writing...as it will ease me...

Sunday, January 22, 2012

im not sure when actually...either raya 2011 or raya 2010...but im kinda sure that it was raya 2010...coz last year's raya i wasnt that active 'jalan2'....

as i typed this, i was thinking for a few minutes...and this time, i am pretty confident that it was raya 2010....

and yes, it was 2010 (based on a few memories)...that i bought my Vampire Diaries books (set of four)....

and, up until now, 22nd January 2012, i havent read those books...i repeat, i havent read those books after 1.5 years ago...

since im on holiday now, i cleaned up my room...i found things that i forgot i owned...i found shirts/dresses/leggings with tags still intact (for sure, i never wore them)....i found unopened letters....i found shoes still in their box...i found books i never read....i even found books still covered with plastic....i found my curler (i thought i lost it)....and i found many other things...and i was like "ooooohhhh, wooow...lamanya aku cari benda ni..."...well, i have to admit that i love to buy things, quite a hoarder, and easy to forget??? hhhhmmmm maybe...

so back to vampire diaries...

since im on holiday, i have plenty of time to read...yes, i want to read it...i will read it...and i wont stop...but i will pause sometimes...

september 4

dear diary,

something awful is going to happen today.

i dont know why i wrote that. its crazy. theres no reason for me to be upset and every reason for me to be happy, but...

but here i am at 5.30 in the morning, awake and scared. i keep telling myself its just that im all messed up from the time difference between France and here. but that doesnt explain why i feel so scared. so lost.

the day before yesterday, while aunt judith and margaret and i were driving back from the airport, i had such a strange feelings. when we turned onto our street i suddenly thought, "Mom and Dad are waiting for us at home. i bet they'll be on the front porch or in the living room looking out the window. they must have missed me so much."

i know. that sounds totally crazy.

but even when i saw the house and the empty front porch i still felt that way. i ran up the steps and i tried the door and knocked with the knocker. and when aunt judith unlocked the door i burst inside and just stood in the hallway listening, expecting to hear mom coming down the stairs or dad calling from the den.

just then aunt judith let a suitcase crash down on the floor behind me and sighed a huge sigh and said "we're home." and margaret laughed. and the most horrible feeling i've ever felt in my life came over me. i've never felt so utterly and completely lost.

home. im home. why does that sound like a lie?

i was born here in Fell's Church. ive always lived in this house, always. this is my same old bedroom, with the scorch mark on the floorboards where caroline and i tried to sneak cigarettes in 5th grade and nearly choked ourselves. i can look out the window and see the big quince tree matt and the guys climbed up to crash my birthday slumber party two years ago. this is my bed, my chair, my dresser.

but right now everything looks strange to me, as if i dont belong here.its me thats out of place. and the worst thing is that i feel there's somewhere i do belong, but i just cant find it.

i was too tired yesterday to go to orientation, meredith picked up my schedule for me, but i didnt feel like talking to her on the phone. aunt judith told everyone who called that i had jet lag and was sleeping, but she watched me at dinner with a funny look on her face.

ive got to see the crowd today, though. we're supposed to meet in the parking lot before school. is that why im scared? am i frightened of them?

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

i dont know how many of u will agree with this LOL statement...but me, i am 200% agree with it...

why??????

mai i crite k...

i admit, i had my own new year's resolutions...i wrote it down...and i even pasted it on my bedroom wall...12 months later, i realized that i totally forgot all about it...when i read it back, damn i cant stop laughing...hahaha...back in 2009, one of my new year's resolution was to buy three piggy banks and fill it with coins within a year...i did bought three transparent piggy banks (purple red and pink)...and now 2012, after 3 beautiful years passed by, i looked back to my new year's resolutions wall, and looked at my three piggy banks...one and a half full...omg....1.5 within 3 years afen?? i must be joking right?? damn, i dont know what happened to me...i lost my new year's spirit...sigh...

i wish i can tell you my collections of new year's resolutions...in which mostly unfulfilled...hahhaha...but im pretty damn shy...lol...

but i came up with a conclusion...

we usually made new year's resolutions about things that we like to do/own but ended up doing nothing...for example, the piggy banks...after 3 years, i still didnt fulfilled my 2009 resolution...(what a shame)...so why dont we/i made a crazy insane 2012 resolutions, right??

your simple mimple resolutions cant be fulfilled by you or us because it was tooooo damn easy to achieve while we are toooooo damn lazy to make it true...so why not we or i try the crazy insane resolution plan??

1) sing Christina Perry - A Thousand Years to a guy i love...
"i have died everyday waiting for you, darling dont be afraid i have loved you, for a thousand years, i love you for a thousand more....and all along i believe i would find you, time has brought your heart to me, i have loved you for a thousand years, i love you for a thousand more..."
(percentage of impossibility = 99.9%)

2) around the world in 199 days...
hahah percentage of impossibility = 20000000000000%

4) go to swi
percentage of impossibility = 100%...i could find a time for it...

5) hehehe i know this one is not crazy...but i want to buy another 3 piggy banks and fill it with coins within this year...so, overall i have 4.5 piggy banks to feed...percentage of impossibility = 150% since 1.5 = 3 years, then 4.5 = 9 years...damn...totally impossible...

so, whatever the resolutions are whether its crazy or simple, make it work (dedicated to me...)...even if its take a thousand years to achieve...haha...

Monday, January 2, 2012

when the clock strikes 12am every 1st Jan, everybody will shout "Happy New Year"... but not my family...

well, we have this unique tradition since ages ago...that is - MAIN AIR....well, it is for kids only...the adults?? for parents - waiting for their kids...while me?? apa lagi tukang siram loooo.....hehe

so last nite, as every other new year, this tradition is a must...and we did it again...

we're living in a housing area...with neighbours around...and so, with our new-year-must-do, and with the huge laughs from the parents and me, plus the shouting (yeah-yeah-ing....auw-auw-ing) from my nieces and nephews, we created a massive disharmony choir in the neighbourhood...

do we care what others might think?? hell-2-d-no...its new year, remember?? hehe...

a year had passed since we celebrated the coming of 2011...and its now a day passed of new year's day...we have hundreds more days to face, thousands of things to do, and millions of possibilities ahead before we celebrate the coming of 2013...

i sincerely hope that everything in between u (and me) and the next new year, will be fabulous...and as my friend said "life without problem is boring..", so enjoy your problem, and do remember that problem solve someday...

p/s Happy New Year, reader...ooohhh btw, can u count how many times i used the word so?? seems like, i have vocab problem..hhhmmm i have to study new words then...