Gentlemen Really Do Prefer Blondes and By Gentlemen, We Mean Cavemen

Back in the early two thous, I was watching a special on E! about how blondes really do have more fun -- I believe their examples included Paris Hilton and Tara Reid, quite a sign of the times. Anyway, in no less than 60 minutes, host Giuliana DePandi, as she was known back then, convinced me I needed to dye my brown hair blond, and fast. So I did. It was a disaster. Cool story, bro. But! Here's why it's relevant. SCIENCE has just discovered that blondes have an evolutionary advantage over us regular old brown- and black-haired folks. Men want to sleep with blondes more than they do with non-blondes! Giuliana was right.

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Ever since the first cavemen set eyes on a flaxen-haired beauty, dudes have been programmed to procreate with the exotic, and not the normal. Kinda. See, what happened was, as the Ice Age set in, the art of polygamy fell out of style because men were dying off, so they started coupling up with women, hoarding all the procreation to themselves, as it were. So women, in order to attract a male, had to be something really special. Enter blond hair. Scientists think the yellow hair gene evolved to catch a man's eye.

So! Use this knowledge to your advantage. If you're blond, know that you're more exotic than any of those raven-haired beauties out there and peacock your way around town, hair-flipping every chance you get. And if you're a less-advantaged brunette like m'self, you can take Giuliana's 10-year-old advice and dye your hair, or you can ignore all this "science" baloney and just do you.