Share this:

Like this:

I’ve been pretty slack at this whole blogging thing lately. I have had a lot to say but have been unable to put it into words that I’m comfortable enough with to publish.

Because the truth is, I’m hanging on by a thread at the moment. I’ve become pretty good at hiding my despair but thankfully, there are three people in particular in my life who are always there on the end of a text, phone call or email who keep me from completely losing it.

And they are all able to read between the lines and work out what’s really going on. I love all of them so dearly.

But even so, there is still so much that I really need to write out and deal with and I’ve struggled with writing it out ever since my writing was harshly criticized and made fun of recently.

I’m struggling with the bigger things too.

Like our visits to Harley’s psychologist. I haven’t even processed the information that she gave me on his first visit let alone the other times that he has been. He is just so complex and his issues are way over my head and capabilities and frankly: it scares the heck outta me. I’m not sure that I’ll ever be enough when it comes to helping him.

And the out-of-control behaviour that we are seeing in Lucas at the moment is something that I’ve honestly never seen before. I wonder if its an end-of-year exhaustion thing or whether he is struggling with stuff I can’t work out? And I wonder how deep it goes?

And if he will develop similar anxieties and fears as Harley and end up needing medication too? It’s all too much to get my head around.

Not to mention the friendships and relationship stuff that everybody has. Marriage is so damn hard at the best of times and the pressure increases when you have children who need so much more from you than the average child. I worry that my well will run dry and there will be nothing left to give.

There are already areas of my life that I have checked out of prematurely. It’s just all too overwhelming at the moment and I’m getting tired of just treading water all the time so it’s become easier to do nothing rather than make the wrong decisions.

Maybe that’s a bad decision? I don’t know, but survival mode does interesting things to a person. This funk I’m in has brought some rather abstract poetry out of me so I guess it’s not all bad.

Like this:

Tumbling, Jumbling,
Crowding out my brain,
So many memories,
They’re driving me insane,
.
Too much pain,
Too many thoughts,
Can’t process anything,
Out of good retorts,
.
Wishing, Hoping,
Willing them to cease,
Please leave me alone,
And give a girl some peace!
.
Need some space,
Need a real break,
All this crap is,
More than I can take,
.
Fumbling, Mumbling,
Wanting to be heard,
It all comes of as babble,
And makes me sound absurd,
.
So darn tired,
Want to go to sleep,
Wake me when it’s over please,
And leave me in this heap.

My Mum has decided to do a really big clean out in her house. Kind of like spring cleaning. But it’s winter.Well….she calls it “downsizing so that there’s not so much for you and your sister to sort through when I die” but that’s far too morbid for my liking! So winter/spring cleaning it is 🙂

And last week while I was up there, she was clearing boxes out from under her stair case and she pulled out a dusty box full of all the school work that we brought home over the years!

I can’t believe she has kept it all!

Especially since I am the mother who throws out everything. I can’t stand piles of paper everywhere. School work doesn’t last long here.

{Although, having said that: I do keep the really special pieces of artwork that all my kids have done and have laminated them for posterity. So I’m not totally evil! }

I have had an absolute ball reading through all my old school books and I especially loved reading the poetry that I wrote when I was in grade 2. I had a whole book called “I can write stories” . CUTE!

I noticed that my love for writing poetry and writing in general must have started earlier than I remember and I laughed and laughed at the stories that my little 7 year old brain came up with!

Here is a poem/story that I wrote called: Scott’s Tortoise learnt to fly

(And here’s a little bit of behind the scenes info for you: Scott was my very first boyfriend. We were SO in love LOL)

…..
One day when I was out playing,
Suddenly I heard someone wailing,
I looked right up to the sky,
And then I saw a tortoise trying to fly,
And so I shouted loud to him,
“Come on, come on, and fly to that limb”
I climbed up that limb and got him down,
And ran with him right out of town.
…..

You don’t need to worry about me….I’m not in a terribly bad place….well not exactly a great place either, but it’s nothing to be concerned about.

I was in a bad (ish) place earlier on but I have worked through a lot of the ‘stuff’ and ‘nonsense’ and some of it has been dealt with.

Some of it 😉

I’m just attempting to clear my head of the thousands of crazy, ridiculous,persistent and nagging thoughts relating to certain circumstances that have plagued us as a family lately, and for me personally – I find that using the medium of poetry is particularly cathartic.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I’ve decided that it’s time to reveal a bit more of myself. No – I’m not going to start stripping my clothes off!

But I am going to publish the link to my “other” blog.

I have been writing this other blog since last October and originally the link was only given to a handful of close friends but now I’ve decided that I’m ok about being more public.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I am a Christian on this blog but the purpose of Wonderfully Wired has never been to be used as a preaching platform. It’s main focus will still remain on the ups and downs of raising children on the autistic spectrum and my other blog “Being Still and Listening” is for me to write about my walk with Christ. It mostly consists of poetry and letters and isn’t updated as frequently as this one is.