EYE-BALL JokeZone – Various 29

For those of you who have never travelled to the country , cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the “guards,” probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

In 2008, Kevin Rudd received and was reading a report that there were over 10,000 cattle guards over main roads in NSW & Queensland. Graziers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Minister to fire half of the cattle guards immediately!!

Before the Minister could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Minister for Employment Julia Gillard, intervened with a request that before any cattle guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

And now she is running the country. (Well, that’s up for interpretation also).

Submitted by Adian B.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his ‘manhood’ into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn’t remove the instrument from his ‘member’.

He read the manual but didn’t find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).

‘Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder?’

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London , He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, “What are you doing? “The cabbie answered, “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so Piss off and wait for a camel!”

Submitted by Warwick Mc.

Larry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll try being a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Larry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks “How much?

“She says, “A hundred dollars.”

He replies, “All I got is thirty.”

She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Larry and asks, “What now. What can he get for thirty?”

“A hand job,” Larry replied.

So, she runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. “I’ll be right back.”

She runs back to Larry. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars ?”

Submitted by Adian B.

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was Bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. she never did it around anyone else. One day she called me and asked me to come over. ‘To check my Sister’s wedding- invitations’ she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn’t overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said “Before you commit your life to my sister”.

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom” she said. “If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me”.

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, ‘Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.’

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Submitted by Adian B.

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. “You’ll be fine,” he said.

She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl…

“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”

He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”

Submitted by Kevin O. [R.I.P].

Carbon tax explained

I think I get it, but I might be wrong. From what I understand, the government proposes to collect tax from the carbon emitters who will pass the cost of the tax onto us, so it really won’t cost the emitters anything.

Then the Government will compensate we dumb huddled masses with a tax rebate paid with the money they collect from the emitters, so it won’t cost us anything either.

So no-one will be out of pocket, there will be no change in the amount of carbon emitted but at least a whole bunch of otherwise unemployable public servants and political party comrades will be employed to supervise the transfer of the money between the accounts.

It’s just like moving a dead body to a new coffin, hoping it will come back to life.

I think I’ve got it but you might feel you need to correct me. However you might as well save your energy in case someone puts a tax on it.

Submitted by Audrey R..

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible.

Submitted by Warwick Mc.

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.
‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.’

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks… They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replies. .. …. You just caught my eye!

Submitted by Warwick Mc.

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year…Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves….and begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”. Then we all go to the Bahamas.

Submitted by Kevin O. [R.I.P.]

When Love Fades…

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s’ sweet voice from the kitchen.

“What would you like to have for dinner my Love, chicken, beef or lamb?”

I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.”

She replied “You’re having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat.”

Submitted by Warwick Mc.

The Best Bar Joke Ever

Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender.

The robot says, “What will you have?”

The guy says, “Schooner of New”

The robot brings back the best beer ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy says,” 168.”

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious…So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, “What will you have?”

The guy says, “Schooner of New”

Again, the robot pours a great beer and gives it to the man and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy says, “100.”

The robot then starts to talk about V8 Super cars, MotoGP, Tooheys beers and Supercheap Auto.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, “What will you have?”

The guy says, “Schooner of New,” and the robot brings him another great beer.

The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy says, “Uh, about 50.”

The robot leans in real close and asks,

“So, you people still happy you voted for Gillard?”

Submitted by Dawn S.

… and the best kept to last …

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first parachute and left the aircraft.

The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, “I am the prime
Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia’s people don’t want me to die.”
She took the second parachute and jumped out of the aircraft.

The third passenger, Bob Brown, said, “I’m the leader of the Australian Greens and the nation needs my guidance and my boyfriend would miss me.” So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped .

The fourth passenger, ex-PM John Howard, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”

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