Ramblings of a Man Who Watches A Lot of Movies

Comedy

”Premutos: Lord of the Living Dead”, also titled ”The Fallen Angel” was the first fallen angel, according to legend in Olaf Ittenbach’s cult classic. Long before Lucifer had his little hissy fit, Premutos was rebelling against Gods decree because he wanted to rule the world with his army of the dead. Throughout the ages, the son of Premutos has been reincarnated in different forms and through the dreams of a young man, we see the demon throughout different times in history slaughtering humanity. When the young man finds a mysterious book, it turns him into the monster he was always destined to be and the son of Premutos is reborn once again.

”Premutos: Lord of the Living Dead” is a film with lots to admire, appreciate and enjoy. For a start, it’s excessively violent and gory, with a body count that’s well past 100 – all of whom die in fun, graphic ways. The special effects are cheap and charming and the aforementioned gore is top notch. Furthermore, the plot, in all of its simplicity, is interesting – especially when it bounces between different eras of history, which includes World War II and the middle ages. There is a lot going on which will keep you entertained for the most part, but the filler in between is tedious.

Splatter movies are at their best when they’re wacky, but so much of the humor in ”Premutos” is falls flat. The moments madcap madness and bloody carnage are a joy, but waiting for them to come is tedious at times. Granted, when they do arrive it’s worth the wait; but movies like this need interesting filler if they’re going to run for 106 minutes, and ”Premutos” lacks in that department. To put it bluntly: it gets boring.

With some trimming around the edges, ”Premutos: Lord of the Living Dead” could have been a trashy masterpiece of its kind. Instead what we get is a film with a see-saw effect of highs and lows. Pirates had to do some digging before they found the treasure; if you’re willing to stick around with this movie you’ll find gold in the end. 6.5/10

If you read my article on 5 Great Romantic Horror Movies, then you’ll know I’m a fan of a great love story – especially when there’s murder between hugs, smooches and coitus. When it comes to relationships, you have to accept the baggage of your significant other if it’s going to work. In a lot of cases, said baggage often involves imposing family members. I’m sure you’ve accepted the faults of your other half by now, but if you haven’t then take a minute to compare yourself to Stanley – maybe you’ll feel better afterwards.

Stanley (Tom Long) is a lonely man; his only worthwhile friendship is with an online cam whore (Deidre Stephens) with amazing boobs, but he pays $2.99 per minute for her ears. However, thanks to the miracle of online dating, Stanley meets Alina (Michelle Ellen Jones), she’s super cute, their love is real and Stanley is looking forward to spending his life with his potential soul mate, as is Alina. But there’s a problem: Alina has a Siamese twin sister who comes literally attached to her – and she just so happens to be a serial killer, with a drinking problem.

”Conjoined” is offbeat and quirky, with some crude sexual humor and moments of gruesome violence. It’s also very heartfelt and occasionally touching, as the budding romance between Stanley and Alina is a heartwarming tale of two outsiders is the core of the story. Tonally, the combination of these ingredients might sound mismatched on paper; a splatter film, a sex comedy and rom-com is an unconventional mix that could easily turn into a mess. However, here every element blends together effortlessly to create a movie that’s unusual, but all the better for it.

A good way to imagine ”Conjoined” is like a very twisted sitcom. For a start, every character – major and minor – has their own little quirks and traits which make them unique and memorable, even if they are only there for a short time until they become a murder statistic. Every new victim of Alisa’s (Keefer Barlow) killing spree presents a new scenario for them to react to, which provides the bulk of the laughs throughout. Furthermore, the sets are minimal and mostly consigned to one room, which is understandable due to budget constraints; but, again, it made it seem reminiscent of a sitcom. I loved this aspect of the movie; it provided hilarious satire of America’s longest running and most beloved television past time, only extended to 90 minutes with some unhinged edge.

My one minor complaint is the subplot of Detective Waters (Sara Gaston), who is investigating the murders only for nothing to really come of it when it could have added an extra element to the story if she posed any real threat exposing the leads as killers. However, that’s not to say that the subplot wasn’t entertaining; Waters’ inner monologues are the source of some of the films best laughs, so it’s not like it was pointless. I enjoyed her character, but I wanted her to pose more of a threat to Stanley’s laundry list of problems.

I liked every single character in ”Conjoined” and the script by Chuck and Tim Norton gave them all memorable moments. It’s a funny script, and the small cast all have their chance to shine, even those who only appear for a scene to have their genitalia bitten off. As I mentioned earlier, there are some gruesome moments in this movie and it does crossover into some dark territory towards the end, but for the most part it’s an entertaining good time.

So, next time you think your girlfriends sister is annoying put yourself in Stanley’s shoes. If you would like to enjoy his unfortunate situation, you can rent if from Amazon for $1.99. Also check out their Facebook for more reviews and information. This is a funny flick, with enough blood, boobs and severed dongs to cater to your visceral needs, and characters who you’ll remember fondly after the end credits have rolled. Joe Grisaffi is a filmmaker worth watching. 7.5/10

”Dude Bro Party Massacre” is a beer soaked, blood drenched fever dream from comedy collective 5-Second Films, and it’s sure to please horror fans and hipsters alike with its satire. Horror films posing as 80’s throwbacks and parodies have become a popular fad in recent years, as many filmmakers try to evoke the nostalgia of days gone by; some do it because they want to homage the movies that inspired them, where as others just want to make a quick buck at the expense of fans longing for a long gone heyday and looking for a modern fix. The best ones display a genuine love and affinity for the genre, made by filmmakers who want to honor it, while lovingly lampooning it with copious amounts of absurdity; there is nothing worse than a throwback which thinks it has all the right ingredients, but fails to capture the essence. Those are just empty and soulless, like Lindsay Lohan’s eyes.

”Dude Bro Party Massacre III” falls into the category of parody: A slasher frat comedy posing as a banned sequel to non-existent predecessor films lost in the 80’s, it looks and feels like a relic from that era, with characters who could very well be the cranked up cousins of the goons from ”Porky’s” and ”Animal House.” The plot is an over-the-top slasher revenge story, joined by a sub-plot of authority figures trying to put an end to a drunken frat house. Throw in yet another sub-plot with a Satanic cult needing a virgin sacrifice and it becomes as convoluted and nonsensical as you’d expect -but, in this case, it is not to the films detriment. Just roll with it, and the laughs will send you into a fit of hysteria for 90 minutes.

”Dude Bro Party Massacre III” follows Brent Chirno (Alec Owen), a legacy who joins a fraternity to investigate the death of his twin brother, Brock (Alec Owen again). After a prank goes awry, causing 2 commercial jets to collide over an orphanage, they boys are sent to a lake house as punishment, where a mysterious killer named Motherface lurks nearby, hellbent on punishing the boys for sins committed in the first 2 films, which we get a recap of at the start in classic 80’s flashback fashion. Her methods are brutal and she kills her victims by using their deepest fears against them. Meanwhile, they are pursued by police officers, one of whom is convinced that the boys are a bag of oranges posing as drunken human beings who must be returned to their true form.

Where do I start? The plot on paper doesn’t even begin to cover the insanity barely contained within this movie. I can’t think of many films in recent memory that have made my sides split for an entire 90 minutes, which means I’ll need to watch it again as it’s a certainty that I missed a lot of gags from laughing so hard. The humor is wonderfully distasteful; inappropriateness is turned up full volume as gravestones are humped and hookers are slaughtered – and that’s only scratching the surface. ”Dude Bro Party Massacre III” is so out there that it resides on its own island of low brow cinema: It is so goofy and gleefully mean spirited, with not a single taboo subject free from a good ribbing.

The cast includes cameos from Larry King and a key supporting role from Patton Oswalt, who not only chews scenery – he devours it. Having known, respected names on board doesn’t hinder the offensive content, however: the body count in this movie is through the roof, with every single one of them killed in creative, nasty ways. My favorite was when one of the frat boys was looking for the cork to his beer keg, only to have it rammed into his skull and twisted as it poured into his cup to quench his thirst before his mortal demise.

”Dude Bro Party Massacre III” is horror satire done right and the best comedy of the year so far. 9/10

Troma, the company which is known for specializing in copious amounts of sleaze, nudity, low brow humour and shock value has been a household name for over four decades now. So it’s to be expected that some of their releases will float under the radar from time to time. One such release was ”Screamplay”, the one and only feature from Rufus Butler Seder, who wrote, directed, edited and starred in this offbeat murder mystery.

”Screamplay” is a unique entry in Troma’s catalog and a one-of-a-kind movie if there ever was one. Filmed entirely in black and white, with set designs purposeful recreations of films from the 1920-30’s, it’s all very artsy; especially compared to the trash the company is known and beloved for. The story focuses on a young writer named Edgar Allen who moves to Hollywood with dreams of writing murder mysteries for the big screen. But when the murders in his screenplays start happening in real life, he must confront an odd array of characters ranging from washed up actresses, rock stars, the police and off-kilter tenants as the mystery unfolds.

While watching ”Screamplay”, I drew comparisons to the early Sam Raimi oddity ”Crimewave (1985)”, as they both adopt the stylings of a classic era of film, with the similar over-the-top caricature characters and set pieces, dialogue and filmmaking techniques. However, they use them in such a way that hasn’t been done before, to create darkly comic horror films ripe with manic energy and 80’s violence. If someone told you this was a Sam Raimi creation without prior knowledge, you’d believe them.

Taking inspiration from German Expressionist cinema, Hollywood’s silent films, Italian giallo, Gothic horror and the classic whodunnit?, it condenses them into the form of an 80’s B movieto create an engaging mystery that is also a satirical commentary on the dark side of Hollywood. It chronicles the actors and actresses who are hot one day and but a memory the next; the aspiring artists who leave their normal lives behind with dreams of making it, only to find their hopes dashed and dreams broken; the greedy money men willing to exploit anything in order to make a quick buck and the madness that comes with it. Every character has succumbed to madness in some way and they each provide strange melodrama between murders.

”Screamplay” is an oddity only a niche audience will enjoy, so if you appreciate the surreal, avant-garde, strange and experimental cinema you’ll no doubt find a special place in your heart – and on your shelf – for this weird little gem. Rufus Butler Seder has never made, wrote or starred in another film since: let’s hope this isn’t his one and only, but if it is, what an innovative legacy to leave behind. 9/10

Hold onto your crotches. Don’t succumb to the charms of horny extraterrestrial bimbos in schoolgirl uniforms – no matter how hot they may look. ”Lesbian Zombies From Outer Space” continues to warm our loins and fear for our groins, picking up where Issue #1 left off – with our heroes Ace and Gwen running for their lives as the dawn of the lesbian zombie apocalypse unfolds. Will Ace get home in time to save his parents? More importantly, will he reach the mom-and-pop store in time to save his prized Captain Hammer video tapes?

In the first issue, we’re introduced to the characters. Part 2 is all about action. From the very first page it’s an unrelenting assault of cock munching carnage that further crosses the boundaries of good taste. We see the formation of a sub-plot where Ace must find his treasured pornography – for when it comes to dealing with an invasion of this nature, The Hammer has the answers. Furthermore, we explore that awkward moment when you walk in your parents being… intimate. The gore sprays off the pages and no penis remains intact, but one.

”Lesbian Zombies From Outer Space” is shaping up to be something truly special. Unabashed cheese and debauchery it may be, but it’s one hell of a good time that does its inspirations proud. It’s also a fresh original take on the zombie and alien sub-genres that reads like an animated television series and camp 80’s popcorn movie with lots of replay value.

Credit must be acknowledged to everybody who brought this story to life. Not only is Jave Galt-Miller a very funny and talented writer, but the artists who visualized this story did an outstanding job. It takes real talent to make cartoon zombies look sexually appealing to real life grown men, but they manage it.

I’m looking forward to seeing what the next issue has in store. If it keeps up like this we’re in for some side splitting laughs, with possible leakage.

It’s been awhile since we’ve had a great spy movie; not since Matt Damon’s previous incarnation of Jason Bourne in 2007’s ”The Bourne Ultimatum” can I say I’ve been particularly impressed by any that I’ve seen – and that includes the recent Bond films with Daniel Craig. However, since that series became the phenomenon that it did, subsequent spy films have replicated its serious approach. ”Kingsman: The Secret Service” injects the genre with some fun again: Ian Fleming’s iconic British agent and older film adaptations are the inspiration behind Matthew Vaughn’s caper; humour, flashy rodomontade and an eccentric villain hellbent on world extermination are all firmly present. The spirit of classic Bond is alive and well. However, much like Vaughn’s ”Kick Ass (2010)” was to superhero movies, ”Kingsman” takes the basic premise and throws in crude humour and sensational, bloody, R rated violence to crank a worn genre up a few notches.

Taron Egorton plays Gary ”Eggsy” Unwin, a down-on-his-luck petty criminal who is facing a jail sentence for stealing a vehicle from a local ruffian. But thanks to having a father Harry ‘Galahad” Hart (Colin Firth) owes a debt to, he’s miraculously cleared of all charges and recruited to join a training camp for the shadowy secret service organization Kingsman, who are led by Arthur (Michael Caine) and his knights of the round table sworn to protect Britain (the organization members are all named after characters from the old tale).

Meanwhile, the lisping lunatic Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson) – an eccentric billionaire who wants to destroy the world for its own good – is set to bring an end to mankind, because he believes people are destroying the environment. With human existence in jeopardy, new recruit Eggsy is thrown in at the deep end to try and save the dead.

Valentine’s plan is quite brilliant: he uses sims in cell phones to trigger a satellite which turns human beings into homicidal maniacs. It’s the type of ludicrous, out-of-the-box villain and scenario we’ve been missing for quite some time now – and it allows for the movie to break out into some scenes of over-the-top carnage. There is one particular scene involving Colin Firth’s character, to the tune of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s ”Freebird”, massacring a church full of people that’s sure to send shocks down the spines of the many middle aged housewives who’ll watch it just for him. It’s a Colin Firth we’ve never seen before – a merciless cold blooded, killer who can more than capably perform action scenes. Bridget Jones would soil her overgrown panties if she seen her man like this.

The movie does contain some not-so-subtle messages about Britain’s class divide, the danger of global warming and America’s role as a world domineering superpower. Whether you agree with the political undertones or not shouldn’t derail your enjoyment of the film; it’s more parody and satire than preaching, but it won’t sit well with some. For the entire 2 hour duration, ”Kingsman” is lighthearted fun that homages classic spy movies and throws in the crude humour and cartoon violence 21st century audiences are accustomed to. Some people may find the violence to be unnecessary to a story which didn’t need it to be enjoyable, but I loved it personally. Despite it’s charms, it’s crudeness and occasional mean streak is a much appreciated delight. At least for me. ”Kingsman” is one of 2015’s best thus far and I’m sure it’ll remain as such for the remainder of the year. 9/10

”20 Seconds To Live” is an anthology web series that is well worth your time. Every Friday for the last month or so, I have sat down after dinner – my tummy full of the latest hapless victim – and enjoyed this hilarious and creative series of shorts about death. One thing is for certain with ”20 Seconds To Live” and one thing only: SOMEBODY IS GOING TO DIE.

The series is directed by Ben Rock, who you might not know by name. But you can bet he’s been the cause of nightmares of somebody you know. You see, in 1999, there was this little movie called ”The Blair Witch Project” and it scared a lot of people. Some of those people even thought it was real. Anyway, one of the scariest things about it was the stick figure symbol, which I know for a fact haunted the dreams of my mother for a month after she saw it. Ben Rock is the creator of that symbol, as well as subsequent Blair Witch spin-offs including the outstanding ”The Burkittsville 7 (2000)” – in my opinion this has always been the best entry to the Blair Witch saga and is well worth checking out if you’re into the mythology.

In addition to his work on an iconic horror film, he also directed ”Alien Raiders (2008)”, which, despite its silly name, is a criminally underrated gem. Of all the people I’ve talked to who have seen it, not a single one of them had a bad word to say about it. Go check it out.

Also on board is co-creator Bob DeRosa, whose previous writing credits include the Ashton Kutcher movie ”Killers (2010)”, and the impressive ”The Air I Breathe (2007)” starring an impressive cast which boasts the likes of Kevin Bacon, Brendan Fraser, Andy Garcia and Sarah Michelle Gellar. From the work of his I’ve seen so far (I enjoyed both of those movies), this is by far my favourite due to it being so joyously twisted.

The series is short, sick and a laugh riot. Catching up on the current available episodes won’t take you long at all and I guarantee you’ll be entertained. Despite knowing death is inevitable in every episode, ”20 Seconds To Live” throws in little surprises you don’t see coming. Every episode puts a unique, creative spin on everyday situations, ranging from dinner dates to Satanic rituals. You can watch them all for free HERE.I suggest you get on it now.

Steps, a self-proclaimed ”staircase fetish art film”, is the latest short from Floridan avant-garde sleaze maestro Tyler Hosley; a polarizing filmmaker if there ever was one. With a creative thought process that operates in defiance of good taste and normalcy, Hosley’s shorts up until now have been strange beasts to say the least, and you’ll either want to run from these beasts as fast as you can or stay and pet them. With Steps, he’s delivered a delightfully perverse oddity of escalator erotica that’ll make you laugh as much as it’ll make you feel weird about watching it. That being said, it might just motivate you to rub your genitalia all over a staircase, like you’ve always wanted to do.

Tyler’s shorts are all zero budget, homemade productions, but they demonstrate the raw potential of a filmmaker with unique ideas who deserve a chance to work with a substantial budget and show what he can really do. Steps is my favorite one yet and I hope it either entertains you as much as it did me. Check it out below. 7/10

Struck by lightning, bitten by a cobra; Kung Fury might just be the new 80’s icon of the 21st century. Born from a fake trailer created by Swedish animation whizkid David Sandberg that went viral, a Kickstarter campaign would raise triple the required funds, and thus, the epic short film I am reviewing became a reality that would go on to take the Cannes Film Festival by storm.

Kung Fury is a love letter to the 80’s, first and foremost. Much in the same way Astron-6’s masterpiece Manborg is; a movie Kung Fury will inevitably draw comparisons to. Inspired by everything from Saturday morning cartoons, Cannon Films, arcade video games and B movies, Kung Fury is a live action scrap book of 80’s pop culture nostalgia, brought to life in a basement of a little house in Sweden.

Kung Fury is the story of a kung fu cop of the same name, who must travel back in time to put a stop to the ”Kung Fuhrer” Adolf Hitler before he comes to the present to usher in a Third Reich. Along the way we meet Norse gods, viking babes with guns, T-Rex’s, killer arcade machines and Fury’s partner, Triceracop – a half man/dinosaur police officer. In true 80’s style, we’re naturally treated to a rocking 80’s electronic soundtrack composed in retro Heaven by mystical synth Gods.

Kung Fury is played by David Sandberg, whose deadpan delivery of cheesy one liners makes him a caricature of video store action heroes of yesteryear. As a filmmaker he’s brimming with so much imagination and so many ideas it’s surprising he doesn’t have leftovers pouring from his nostrils and ears. This is a Jack of All Trades to say the least and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life as one of his obsessed fanboys.

Don’t take my word for it though. Check it out for yourself. It’s FREE!

Chinese mysticism isn’t a prominent theme in mainstream movies; in fact it isn’t a very common theme in western movies as a whole; but in 1986 2 were released within 5 months of each other. The first, released in July, was John Carpenter’s cult classic Big Trouble In Little China, a kung-fu neo-western that failed to make a splash at the box office and would be considered a huge commercial flop, making back a mere 11 million from a 25 million dollar budget. The second was The Golden Child, released in December, starring Eddie Murphy riding a wave of success after Beverly Hills Cop (1984) became a huge worldwide hit. The Golden Child, unlike Big Trouble In Little China, was a moderate box office success; but throughout the years it would become forgotten by most while Carpenter’s film would go on to become a cult classic that’s still finding audiences to this day. Comparisons between both movies are inescapable: they share as much similarities as they do differences, with actors James Hong, Peter Kwong and Victor Wong appearing in each of them. Furthermore, Carpenter was even attached to direct The Golden Child, but would go on to jump ship from Paramount to 20th Century Fox and speed up production on Big Trouble and beat it to release. It would seem like both companies were in competition with each other and these movies were the product of their rivalry. Regardless of what they have in common, I think they’re both unique in their own right.

The original script for The Golden Child, penned by Species (1995) writer Dennis Feldman was originally supposed to be a darker movie, starring Mel Gibson as the lead. But due to Gibson’s unavailability, Eddie Murphy was given the part and the script was rewritten to suit his comedic sensibilities. He would be joined by Charles Dance and Charlotte Lewis, who would play his Devilish nemesis and love interest respectively.

The plot is simple: Eddie Murphy plays Chandler Jarrell, a private detective who specializes in finding missing children. After the disappearance of The Golden Child – a young monk boy with special magical abilities who was kidnapped by an evil sorcerer – Chandler is the only one who can save him. Chandler was sought out because he’s The Chosen One; at first he thinks it’s all ridiculous, of course – but as the investigation advances he learns that supernatural forces are real and only he can put a stop to the wicked Sardo Numspa (Charles Dance) and his minions.

Reviews weren’t kind to The Golden Child upon its release and it currently holds a 26% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, suggesting that the majority of critics are joyless morons. However, in a positive review, Roger Ebert praised it for being, ”entertaining from beginning to end.” That sums it up perfectly; The Golden Child won’t have you laughing at loud, but its charm is infectious and it’s so well paced and entertaining you’ll never feel bored. It may not be a particularly ”funny” movie, but it’s a fun one – and it has endless rewatch value, much like its cousin Big Trouble In Little China.

The special effects are dated by modern standards, but that just adds to its charm. They represent a passage of time and era of film that never fails to give me a huge cheesy grin. The 80’s was the pinnacle for action, adventure, comedy, fantasy and horror for me. If it was for you too then it doesn’t get more 80’s than this; from the music to the costumes, the action sequences and humour – this is a blast.

The Golden Child isn’t perfect; comparisons to Big Trouble are inevitable and it doesn’t come close to matching Carpenter’s classic in awesomeness; but that doesn’t mean it’s not a gem in its own right. Do yourself a favour and give it a chance. 7/10.