Why Do My Relationships End Badly?

Asked by GeneticallyDoomed on 2019-05-22 with 1 answer:

From a young woman in Bangladesh: I have been in a very physically and mentally abusive marriage for 4 years now. I tried my best to make my marriage work and meet up to my husband’s and his family’s expectations but I am always being told that I am good for nothing and I should probably kill myself. I have been accused of infidelity multiple times even when I had never done anything like that. But recently, I just couldn’t tolerate all that anymore.

I started sleeping with an ex colleague and I really feel at peace when I am around him. He is very honest and upfront about everything with me and we both agreed to just not get emotionally attached as he thinks he doesn’t have the capacity to love someone. I was told today by him that I am someone who appears to be “faking” the whole act of sex. I was shocked because I did everything that I was feeling. He also wanted to stop this with me because he thinks I am always emotionally detached.

I have always been told that I am “clingy” but this was the first time someone told me that I am not doing enough in bed. I felt extremely hurt and I haven’t been able to sleep even after that conversation. I had started to like him actually but I have never made him feel like I am dependent on him emotionally as he had asked me not to do that.

I don’t know what to do or how to react! He was the only person I had completely opened up to after all these years of my marriage with my husband. I felt really small and worthless because I have never had a relationship with a man that ended well. Should I actually give up on love? I am preparing for a divorce right now. I didn’t want to get involved with another man before that but I guess I really wanted to be kissed that night because I haven’t felt any physical/emotional intimacy for months.

I have serious anxiety attacks on a regular basis, and I had once attempted suicide and survived when I was 21. I feel like killing myself but I can’t really bring myself to do it this time. What should I do? I can’t afford proper therapy

Thank you so much for writing. I understand that you can’t afford therapy. But there are other options for getting the help you need. Do consider joining one of the forums here at PsychCentral. People with similar problems support each other and offer practical ideas for handling life’s problems.

Another option is to look into group therapy. Often group therapy is much less expensive than individual therapy. In group, people get support from others and also have the opportunity to hear each other’s perspective on problems.

As for your relationships: I am so, so sorry that you haven’t yet found love with someone who accepts you and cherishes you. It might be just plain bad luck. But usually when people find themselves repeatedly in disappointing relationships, there is something going on inside of them that causes them to choose badly. It may be, for example, that your self-esteem is so low that you accept less than you deserve. It may be that your anxiety is getting in the way of your good judgment. Issues like these would be explored in treatment or on the forum.

Do get out of the relationship with the man you had an affair with. It was a good effort at finding love but it was complicated from the start because of the issues with your husband. It was unrealistic to think you could be so intimate and not become emotionally involved. You need to do some healing before finding someone new. Take the time you need to learn to love yourself so you can choose wisely.