Check out Robin
Dreeke's amazing book called "Its
Not All About Me" packed with the top 10 techniques to
building rapport fast. It is an awesome book!

I’m
Comfortable Being Ignorant: Ego Suspension and the Social
Engineer

In the book Ip Man: Portrait of a Kung Fu Master (King
Dragon Press, 2001), non-competition is listed as one of the
primary principles as a guide to martial arts mastery. The man
profiled in this book, Ip Man, felt that the need to persuade
others to one’s “superiority” was detrimental to any issue at hand
and could never lead to true mastery; “...competition was with
himself alone...” (p. 68). He displayed an exceptional example of
ego suspension. Ego suspension is the ability to lower one’s own
wants, needs, and motivations, and place priority on the other
person. It is considered one of the most powerful techniques for
building rapport.

As social engineers, we want our targets to disengage
from us feeling good about their compliance and interaction. Being
perceived as humble is a useful component in building rapport as humility is a function
of ego suspension. Taking control of a situation in order to
influence others can often begin with what appears to be
vulnerability and openness. Intentionally placing the focus
on the other person serves to further increase one’s trustworthiness.

The ability to suspend one's ego lends to overall likeability
and power of suggestion. This increases the
likelihood that people will be more open to your requests and what
you have to say. Not everyone can be bullied, and even if it were
so, it's not always the most efficient way to get what you want.
If you can make people like you, then you have created a path of
less resistance through ego suspension. Remember, we always want
people to feel better for having met us.

Sounds simple enough;
place yourself in a lower position than your target and watch your
relationship blossom! If only it was that simple. Despite its
power, ego suspension can be one of the most difficult techniques
to employ when trying to develop rapport.

Why is Ego Suspension so difficult?

Ego, by definition, is inextricably linked with who you
are. The act of ego suspension can be in direct conflict with the
idea that people typically want to be perceived as at least as
intelligent or competent as others. Any time someone speaks or
engages where others are present, judgment is sure to follow. It
is natural to want others to think highly of us as this impacts
our self-esteem.

As individuals put themselves in situations where the
opinions of others matter increasingly more in terms of
self-valuation, the stakes are internally higher. This pressure
often manifests itself as a more desperate exhibition of a
person's intelligence or skill whether genuine or not. We’ve
probably all seen (and perhaps participated in) numerous examples
in which a conversation around sports, technology, or gaming has
escalated to wild claims of knowledge and ability. As you can
imagine, the stronger you feel about a subject, the more difficult
it is to maintain an air of neutrality or ignorance.

For our male readers out there, here is another
potentially complicating factor. Cultures have behavioral
and attitudinal expectations for their members. In many
traditional cultures, females have often been expected to be warm,
sensitive, and nurturing, while men were expected to be
self-reliant, aggressive, and competent. Most people do feel some
pressure to conform to these ideals; as humans, we are hardwired
to respond to group norms. It was a key to survival in our
not-so-distant past, but combine this external pressure with the
internal need to feel intelligent and competent; perhaps now, you
have a better understanding of why ego suspension can be so
difficult.

Makes more sense why it’s so hard to ask for
directions, doesn’t it?

Do It Anyway

Despite how hard it is to suspend your ego, learning to
do this well and in a genuine way is a critical skill for the
serious social engineer. Think of the last time someone apologized
to you without reservation or admitted to not knowing something.
Did it make you feel differently about this person? Being
placed on a pedestal is inherently disarming. Master the ability
to make someone else feel this way and you will be much more
effective in your interactions. Combine ego suspension with a sympathy theme (another technique for building
rapport discussed in a blog posting on our social-engineer.com
site), and you have a very powerful combination for
ultimately influencing others.

Remember, ego suspension is just one tool for
developing rapport in both your personal and professional life.
Without rapport, your chances of having influence over a
person’s decisions are significantly reduced. Help people feel
valued and they will help you.