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June 29, 2011

It Doesn't Count If...

So I finally caved in. I had to "gay it up" over the weekend. Enough of this straight man talk "dude, bro" bullshit I was ready to hear some "hey girl" and play with my boys. My hiatus from gay bars was over and I was ready to get back up on that saddle hopefully with a big hunk of man under it. Kevin, Bobby, Kile and I met out for a few drinks and to catch up. We all haven't been together in weeks. Even though I knew the bar was gonna be dead I still wanted to see my boys. New York City pride was this past weekend and almost every Tom, Dick, and Harry Hung was there. Hopefully we'll make it next year. Congratulations to the homos of New York whom can now finally get married!

My catching up with the boys of course was the usual gossip and witty banter. Bobby was telling us how he was way overdue for some oral simulation and about the crazy Grindrguy (See post Question: Rude or Mature?) Kevin shared how he's been jonesing for a straightie and buffalo chicken. I shared how it's been way to long since I've been pokey poked. I think my virginity grew back. Some how we got on the subject of anal cleansing and the boys were shocked that even though I haven't been with anyone since April I still maintain regular upkeep on it. Bobby's face was full of slight disgust and wonder, "What do you mean regular upkeep? You don't use a douche do you?" Both him and Kevin agreed that they prefer oral sex, they felt anal was to messy.

I know you're dying to know what my regular upkeep must entail. Well, lets just say it's cleaned in and out and you could eat off my ass and it's also very smooth. I like a clean working surface. I think this daily maintenance has enabled me to endure certain thangs so to speak. I have the ability to relax at will, which means anal sex for me doesn't hurt. Kile said "You really are a true bottom." Perhaps the alcohol was starting to affect me or maybe it's cause I just felt comfortable opening up, I then told the boys about something I am able to do. I know this is over sharing but I am able to use my anal muscles to pull my sex partner's penis in deeper and I can really tighten up once they are in. Kile backs up and says "I'm standing back incase I get sucked in. Maybe it's all those Kegel exercises you do." He is right I think they help and I recommend boys do them. Kegel exercises also help with lasting longer and stronger erections. Kevin looked at me and said, "Wait! What? Don't we all have the same butt muscles? So what is yours like a transformer?" Kevin then changes the subject...

"So you guys will never believe who I saw yesterday while driving! That straight guy I blew last summer Train Boy. He was in the car with his fiancé. You guys should have seen his face when he saw me. It was like an omg shit kinda look. Haha." I looked at Kevin and said, "Train Boy?" Kevin replied, "Yeah he works on train rails everyone calls him that. I blew him at him a party last year." Well he was one train ride that Kevin off. I laughed and said, "You've blown so many boys I'm losing track. You need to invest in some stock for Abreva seriously!" Kevin laughing "It doesn't count if he was straight!"

There it is! There's the excuse that puts justification to an incident we knew was wrong or regret. "It doesn't count if.." is used when you can't explain your actions. It's almost like you don't want to call yourself a whore so you come up with excuses for your promiscuous behavior. I heard this excuse a few times among my circle of friends. Perhaps the person that uses it the most is Kevin. It's his favorite excuse.

I've heard some pretty funny "It doesn't count" excuses from Kevin. "It doesn't count he was straight." "It doesn't count it was just the tip." "It doesn't count if he was my own age." "It doesn't count because I've already slept with him." "It doesn't count I was upset." "It doesn't count it was just a hand job!" and my own personal favorite "It doesn't count because I was drunk." At this point he might as well use "It doesn't count because it's Tuesday." Kevin uses these excuses to jokingly get out of situations and he can get away with it to an extant. Because of his age he can get away with a lot but that will only last for so long. The older he gets the more he'll hear "He should know better."

I'll admit I've used the "It doesn't count because I was drunk" excuse. We all do things we regret after a couple drinks or 8. I've made out with people I wouldn't have normally made out with if I was sober including girls! Alcohol can be evil. My second date with my ex Richard turned into us going at it like Precious at an all you can buffet. In the beginning I used the excuse "it doesn't count because I was drunk" because it was the beginning. I hadn't known for sure at that point if it was a one time kind of thing or if he really wanted some kind of relationship. I remember telling my friends it didn't count. Two hours of sex not counting? I know I know it was ridiculous. When I look back at that whole relationship with Richard I now say "It doesn't count because he wasn't the one." I used that excuse to justify my lack in judgement.

At the end of my night out with the boys Kile drove Kevin home. Which I knew right away was a bad idea. I had picked Kevin up and actually drove out of my way to get him. His car had broken down earlier that day so he needed a ride. I had planned on taking him home after the bar, but he didn't want me to drive in the opposite direction of where I lived and then drive all the way back home. The whole trip would have taken me over an hour. Since Kile was heading in Kevin's direction he offered to take him. I know Kevin. I know him very well and I knew this had bad decision written all over it. Kevin had a bad day earlier because of his car, so add that plus the vodka and you have mouth open and or legs open. He is the type of person that goes for instant gratification when he is upset about something whether it be a situation or over a guy. I told him over and over I would take him home but he insisted.

The next morning I receive a text message from Kevin saying, "Horrible idea to let me go home with Kile!" Insert "I told you so" here. Kevin said, "Who knew vodka clubs would really fuck me up!! I didn't do anything really really bad just felt him up in his pants alittle. It doesn't count it wasn't that bad." All I'm doing is reading the text messages and shaking my head. I don't know for certain but I think Kile kind of likes Kevin and he is such a nice guy I just don't want to see anyone's feelings get hurt. Kevin of course blames Kile too by saying "Hello drunk person and he knows my track record! I was stressed it doesn't count!"

So remember when someone says "It doesn't count" what they really mean is "It does count, but I don't want to admit it. Please accept this excuse for my slutty or stupid behavior and it won't happen again. Well until I'm drunk or horny again of course!" Just think to yourself for a moment...How many times have you said "It doesn't count" and what was it for? Was it an embarrassing hook up with someone that you regret or something you did that you wish you could forget?