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Oops! See the full CCTV footage showing the “danger of escalators” at Birmingham New Street Station » Express & Star.

Don’t be fooled – those escalators are dangerous!

Network Rail has begun its Christmas 2013 Safety Campaign in earnest by issuing a video that depicts three numpties failing to tackle that most dangerous of obstacles: The Escalator!

More than one person a day falls foul of these evil mechanisms. In total, 418 “escalator escapades” have been captured on video across the UK’s busiest railway stations.

This result represents a drop of a fifth on last year’s number of numpties, when 512 victims succumbed to the innocent looking booby-traps. However, it’s still way too many for both the rail company and, of course, the HSE.

How dangerous are escalators to humans, really?

There are two distinct messages emanating from Network Rail’s harrowing promotional video, showing how mischievous these monsters of modern technology can be when left alone with unsuspecting numpties:

if you’re carrying heavy shopping, use the lifts;

if you’re wearing high heels, hold the hand rail!

The problem, of course, is that the lifts all smell of wee. Furthermore, they can hold no more than three Midlanders at a time.

The knock-on effect here is not the issue of obesity. No, listening to Brummies for longer than the 30 second ride between platform and ground level turns the elevators more suicidal than Marvin The Paranoid Android. That’s why so may break down. Literally.

But back to the numpties. Rather than exit an elevator smelling of b.o. and recycled ale, many inter-city shoppers would rather take their chance with an escalator escapade fail.

That’s it. Blame the beer!

Puddles of piddle aren’t the only concern, it seems. As well as warning about carrying too much Christmas Spirit whilst sporting Stilettos, many incidents are allegedly caused by inebriated travellers.

Let’s face it, many Saturday afternoon drunks would struggle to negotiate a stationery floor, let alone one rising into the heavens at such speed! But when you’ve had a few, the escalators, well…they’re a challenge, y’know?

There’s a very delicate art to holding your balance, holding that swift half you’ve purloined from the boozer and holding on to your dignity. At least without spilling any.

Everyone in this video made a full recovery. Please tread carefully!

If guys and gals can’t go out and have a few sherberts at Christmas without having to face the swathe of dangerous escalators reportedly attacking innocent travellers, I don’t know what the world’s coming to.

To date, those captured on film haven’t been fatally wounded. But if the menace is left unchecked, you could be the next victim ascending the escalator stairway to heaven…