The Dos And Don’ts Of Owning A Cursed Item

We just watched the trailer for The Possession, and we know our shuddering has nothing to do with the air conditioning. To think that all it takes is one mysterious box purchased at a garage sale to totally take over your life… that’s terrifying! But if a possessed object ever makes its way to the Crushable offices — and we pray it doesn’t — we’ll be ready. We’ve done tons of scholarly research (a.k.a. watched a bunch of horror movies) and have compiled a list of five dos and don’ts for owning a cursed object. If you’re already burdened with a rattling box with creepy inscriptions, you’re gonna want to follow our guide.

DOS

1. Make sure you Google it! If it has inscriptions with words like dybbuk, you might want to know what that means in relation to your own safety and quality of life. (By the way, it’s Hebrew for “demon.” You’re welcome.)

2. Have a healthy suspicion: If the box has something rattling around in there but it’s been sealed off, chances are you’re not gonna be happy to see what’s inside.

3. Check every morning that it’s in the same place you left it the night before.

4. Keep it clean and stain-free. If there is some spirit inhabiting it, you don’t want to make it even angrier by defiling its home, right?

5. Sleep with a knife.

DON’TS

1. Even if it perfectly matches the décor, don’t put it in your child’s bedroom.

2. Don’t act like it isn’t cursed. The wind can only be blamed for so much…

3. Thinking of bringing in a priest? Don’t even try; they never get out of these movies alive.

4. Don’t keep it a secret from your significant other/estranged spouse. Best to be upfront about buying a haunted object that may or may not be taking over your kid.

5. DON’T OPEN IT! Seriously, we cannot stress that enough. And if you already have, well, then it’s too late for you.