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This is a slight t/j from AuthenticNow's post as I would like to jusg clear some things.

#1. Cheating and when you boil it down that is what an affair is, is not a mistake, blunder, or an oops. Cheating is a series of deliberate choices, yes more then one, that fuck up our lives and our BS' lives. Are they bad choices? Yes. Are they choices we deliberately and conciously made? Yes. Stop with the my A wasn't as bad as that one over there because it wasn't as long, there was no emotion, it was never physical, it ONLY happened 1, 2, 3 times, my H or W was emotionally abusive, I loved my AP and on and on the lisy can go. I'm going to say it very clearly and bluntly take it or leave it, call me judgemental or hate me I truly do not care. So here it is.

Affairs are a series of bad choices made by broken people as a solution/coping mechanism to and underlying problem thag goes much deeper then the person realizes. By having an A we break our BS, ourselves and the lives of many around us. By continuing to lie to our BS by not confessing we are continuing to mask something malignant that will eventually destroy all it has touched. Confession is a way to start a healing process that goes deeper then what the A has caused. It allows the start to an honest and authentic life where the datk secrets we once kept no longer burden us making life harder to live. Yes everyone's A is different and everyone's path to healing will be different as well as we are each a unique person but the pain and destruction an A causes is the same. The reason behind them if you think about it is pretty much the same too, we use it to mask something deeper and more painful that either has not yet been acknowledged or has been and cannot be faced.

#2. We as former waywards do not come on here looking to judge others that are now in the beginning of their journey. We do not temper our words because it was advice similar to whag we give that made us pull our head out of our asses and smell something other then the bullshit we were feeding ourselves. I have been here over a year and my dday was 1.5 years ago and I am in no way healed or 100% there already but you know what? I have gotten past certain points and so I share my experiences and call people out on their shit. I said this recently on a different post I will give advice, point out the bullshit and not hold back or give pretty flowery words because I do not and will not people please. That is a part of me that got me into this shit, not being honesg and people pleasing, so screw that I am going to be honest with myself and others on all things now, if you don't like my advice then don't take it, pretty simple really. I posted here the first time and got reamed and I ran. I came back after reading and rereading those responses and realizing they made a lot of sense. Those were vets, no holds bars vets that did not pat me on the head and gently hold my hand because I was a "newbie." I will be forever grateful to them. I have angered people in my responses before and it will probably happen again. If you get angry maybe you should wonder why, I will be brjtal but I will support you as well when you start owning your shit. Alyssa not to call you out but she is one I know I pissed off. She let me know it too. I didn't lay off her and when she started showing she was getting it I was so proud and support her wholeheartedly. That is what this site is about support for everything even the tough stuff.

#3. No contact. This is short and sweet. How do you rebuild something when keeping hold of the tool used to destroy it?

To summarize, SI is a place of support. We do not bully or judge but we also do not cajole or sugarcoat. We are brutally honest and supportive, that's it, nothing more or less.

Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995

Posts: 272 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England

Want To Wake Up ♀ 31583Member # 31583

Posted: 2:56 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014

**stands and applauds**

[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 2:56 AM, January 13th (Monday)]

Me 54
WH 54
Met 1978
Married 1981
DDay 2009
Latest TT... Nov 2013 (yep, 2013... not a typo!)
"Adultery is not a symptom of a struggling marriage....a struggling marriage is a result of a person who can chose adultery."- saw this on SI

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2011

isadora♀ 29130Member # 29130

Posted: 5:24 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014

well said

Me: BW Him: who cares
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
Who knows how many affairs at this point
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.

Posts: 4619 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana

HUFI-PUFI♂ 25460Member # 25460

Posted: 5:55 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014

Affairs are a series of bad choices made by broken people as a solution/coping mechanism to an underlying problem that goes much deeper then the person realizes.

Yes everyone's A is different and everyone's path to healing will be different as well as we are each a unique person but the pain and destruction an A causes is the same.

Confession is a way to start a healing process that goes deeper then what the A has caused. It allows the start to an honest and authentic life where the dark secrets we once kept no longer burden us making life harder to live.

Alyssa not to call you out but she is one I know I pissed off. She let me know it too. I didn't lay off her and when she started showing she was getting it I was so proud and support her wholeheartedly. That is what this site is about support for everything even the tough stuff.

I don't mind the call out at all Unagie. Yes you were harsh on me, and so weren't others. But I needed to hear it, and it was true.

I appreciate the support that you (and the other vets) have given me. And though I still have a lot of work to do, I wouldn't have gotten to this point without your help.

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 993 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts

longroadhome♂ 32428Member # 32428

Posted: 11:18 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014

There's that clapping man!

Well done, Unagie

Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier

Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011

knightsbff♀ 36853Member # 36853

Posted: 11:34 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014

Yes!!!!

fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 23, 16, 11. 2 dogs.

I edit often to fix stuff ☺️

Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.

Posts: 1612 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA

Darkness Falls♀ 27879Member # 27879

Posted: 1:21 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014

Great post. Agree 100%.

Me: XWS, 33, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 45
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014

Formerly heartbroken0903

Posts: 2426 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Central Florida

Jrazz♀ 31349Member # 31349

Posted: 1:32 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014

I've been following AN's post, and glad there was a stop sign because I was having difficulty separating my personal feelings out from the conversation...

...which reminded me that it is always a good idea to post with as much emotional objectivity as possible. I'm emphasizing "emotional" because I think that it's still critical to lend our personal experience to the people who have newly arrived. That's why this works - the veterans stick around in the hopes that they can help prevent someone from making the same painful mistakes that they made in the beginning.

Of COURSE everybody is different - every relationship is unique. There are fundamental aspects of relationships that are the same, however, and the longer we look within the more we will hopefully come to accept that truth is a universal good, and compassion is the healthiest outlook to have in regards to others as well as ourselves.

Touching base on the back and forth about people in buckets and labeling and whatnot, I have to agree with the sentiment that if it causes us discomfort and we're fighting the message, that usually indicates a reliability that we are trying to suppress. An excellent example of this is, well.... ME.

I have been told throughout most of my life that I overreact to things. I have been called dramatic, anxious, etc. It was always about a select group of life experiences... health, and friendships mostly. I was really easygoing about things like food and travel and play... but when it came to emotional or personal things I would get hypersensitive about the smallest things. You know what sent me through the roof the most, though? When someone TOLD me I was overreacting! That's when I would be ALL CAPS about how JUDGEMENTAL and MEAN the people who were trying to calm me down were. Some people said it kindly and I got very angry at them nonetheless. Some people said it rudely and with judgment, and I banished them from my life. NOBODY talks to ME that way. NOBODY understands how important these things are, and how the WARRANT the level of "consideration" I was giving them.

It took me becoming an adult and having full blown panic attacks that were affecting my health and sending me to the hospital to realize that the message I was being pummeled with and resented with every breath.... was right.

I'm still working on dialing it back when I feel my anxiety rise, and I STILL occasionally react adversely when someone, particularly my FWH, tells me that I'm overreacting, but I am training myself to just LISTEN and consider it for a moment.

Breathe and consider.

Of course it's easier when the message is delivered gently rather than strongly. I think what some members do not realize until they have more of the journey under their belt is that the experienced members posing with strong advice and opinions are not actually attacking the poster - they are responding with panic for them because they wish they had just listened to the same words they are now beseeching you to consider.

If you are here because you want someone to validate your outlook and course of action, you will only get that by talking to the mirror or finding someone who is still broken and scared to look inside.

If you are looking to fix this... fix your marriage, your partner, yourself... to HEAL - well, it's time to get uncomfortable. This goes for the WS as well as the BS. The general consensus of SI is HEALTH for ALL.

Candy tastes better than spinach, but you can't live off of it. We're here to find the best diet for our souls. So please, just try to listen and learn. There doesn't have to be any fighting in here. If you came this far, you're looking for something. Check your expectations at the door and open your mind to the uncomfortable-yet-freeing.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:33 PM, January 13th (Monday)]

"All the wars, all the hatred, all the ignorance in the world come out of being so invested in our opinions. And at bottom, those opinions are merely our efforts to escape the underlying uneasiness of being human. - Pema Chodron

Posts: 20916 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California

Unagie♀ 37091Member # 37091

Posted: 1:57 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014

Thank you for everyone's feedback.

JRazz your post is spot on, thank you.

Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss