Dating Maze #380: Fiancée’s Troubled Past

My son’s fiancée has a mental health history that is making me very concerned.

My son is engaged to a lovely, educated young woman. She comes from a good family and is a psychologist. I get along wonderfully with her. I treat her like a daughter and she loves me as a second mom.

She had an eating disorder years ago and attempted suicide twice in the past.

My son really loves her, but even though he has a job and his own apartment, he doesn't have so much worldly experience and I’m afraid he doesn’t realize what he might be getting into. From what he tells me, she is cured, but is he taking a chance by marrying someone who already has a history of conditions that may recur?

I know that in life we don't know what will happen five minutes from now, but I worry. Women gain weight during pregnancy and it worries me that this might trigger new eating problems. What if she gets a relapse?

I'm so torn. I have never seen my son so happy, and they both love each other. I know that life isn't perfect, and I always say, "Don't worry until you have to." Here I am, going against my own advice. Am I handling this properly? Am I right to be so concerned?

Miriam

Rosie and Sherry's Answer:

Dear Miriam,

It is valid for any parent to be concerned that someone who experienced a serious medical or emotional condition in the past might experience it again in the future, even if it was successfully treated.

Sometimes, these conditions do recur. That's because there are no guarantees in life. There are also no guarantees that someone who is mentally and physically healthy today won't develop a serious medical condition in the future. Becoming engaged and getting married requires a leap of faith and an element of trust in God that life together will proceed relatively smoothly and that the couple will be able to ably deal with challenges they encounter in the course of life.

Making a leap of faith doesn't mean that a couple jumps blindly into their future and hopes that all will turn out all right. Each party has to be aware of circumstances that are likely to impact day to day married life, so that s/he can make an informed decision about marriage.

A prospective spouse needs to know about personal problems, past or present.

Jewish law requires people who are dating seriously for marriage to disclose medical or emotional conditions, even if they are well-managed with medication or lifestyle, as well as serious illnesses and conditions that occurred in the past. A prospective spouse should also be told about significant current and past circumstances that may have an effect on their future marriage, such as ongoing child custody and visitation arrangements, child support or alimony requirements, debts and other financial obligations, a bankruptcy, a criminal conviction, past marriages, broken engagements, and difficult intra-family relationships. These are all factors that a dater should take into consideration before deciding that this is the right person to marry.

Because most of this information is deeply personal, it has to be handled with sensitivity. Most disclosures can wait until a relationship is serious enough for the couple to begin discussing marriage, but other details may need to be revealed earlier in the process. We usually recommend speaking with a rabbi or counselor who is experienced in these matters to find out what information needs to be discussed, and when to disclose it.

The person revealing these personal details should be able to honestly describe the situation In terms of treatment and prognosis; explain how s/he deals (or dealt) with it – circumstances in life that triggered or aggravated the situation, the treatment she received and how long it continued, and if s/he currently takes medication or attends therapy to address the issue.

She should also answer any questions, and permit the other person to discuss the condition, with the health professionals involved to get an "unbiased" perspective.

Alleviating Anxiety

A good marriage is built on honesty. Unfortunately, some daters choose to hide important information. When the "secret" emerges during the engagement or marriage (and it usually does), the partner feels that the trust between them has been broken, and may decide to leave the relationship. Even if s/he doesn't, the couple must then do the difficult and lengthy work of rebuilding trust.

Your son's fiancée did the right thing by being forthcoming about her medical history while they were dating. It may have been difficult for her to reveal that she had an eating disorder and clinical depression (that led to suicide attempts), even though she was successfully treated for both conditions and has been healthy for a number of years.

It's possible that you son knew many details before he became engaged, thus having more than enough information to make a well-considered decision. Has your son indicated that he knows many of the details, or has he consulted with someone about his fiancée’s situation? If so, then your need for answers is in order to lessen your own anxiety – and that’s not a good reason for you to start asking questions now.

On the other hand, perhaps you’re unsure whether he naively became engaged without knowing enough information and worry that he may face devastating surprises in the future. In such a case, how do you balance your concerns with the reality that your son is an adult and it may be unwise to interfere with his decision?

Can you explain yourself in a way that won’t challenge his judgment or put him on the defensive?

Before deciding to say anything to him, think about what will happen if you express your concerns. Can you explain yourself in a way that won’t challenge his judgment or put him on the defensive? Will his obtaining more information at this juncture change anything about his decision to marry this woman? Will it help him be a more supportive husband, or help him handle potential problems that may or may not occur? Will your asking questions upset him and/or alienate your future daughter-in-law?

These are difficult questions for a parent to answer, especially when wedding plans are under way. If speaking about your concerns now will not change anything or benefit anyone, we suggest finding another way to alleviate your anxiety.

If you're a worrier by nature, it will help to learn some relaxation techniques to help lessen your anxiety. Try the first three suggestions described in our article, “Performance Anxiety.”

It also might help to step back for a moment and look at what you do know about your son and his fiancée. Even though you think of him as an "innocent boy,” he has been self-supporting and independent. and seems to be relating beautifully to an intelligent, educated woman. Whenever you start to feel anxious about their future, try focusing on your son's strengths and the quality of the connection he has with his fiancée.

All parents want their children to have a healthy, stable, loving marriage. By focusing on the quality of the relationship between them, continuing to give them your love and support, and remembering that everything is in the hands of the Almighty, we hope that you will be able to worry less and begin to enjoy the new relationship that is being added to your family.

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About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 11

(9)
Anonymous,
November 27, 2013 2:39 PM

As someone who has struggled from an eating disorder, clinical depression, and anxiety, I can understand where the mother is coming from. I once dated a young man whose mother was so concerned that she completely ruined our relationship and forced him to end it. However, I believe that what I have gone through has made me a stronger person. I know myself better than many of my friends who haven't gone through a struggle know themselves. I also know that my past issues could potentially recur and therefore plan to continue therapy and see a nutritionist during transitional periods of my life, specifically pregnancy. I believe that as long as this young woman is aware of the potential recurrence of her issues, knows how to spot her negative thoughts when they are starting to return, and is willing to seek help and persevere if that does occur, she is on the right road for a marriage. I understand the concerns, but I don't think that it is a "make it or break it" situation (depending on the mans personality and sensitivity). While it may be "taboo" in the Orthodox world, many more women have eating disorders and emotional issues than one may expect. Additionally, adolescence and young adulthood can both be extremely difficult, leading to the development of eating disorders, depression, and anxiety. While recurrence of illness is definitely possible, if the young woman has been strong enough to endure this much, as long as she continues to take care of herself, with the right support she can achieve so much more and hopefully overcome her mental health history for good.

(8)
Marion,
July 10, 2013 9:57 PM

Really?

I have major issues with this question. I have had an eating disorder, brought on by epilim - an anti-epilepsy drug, infamous for causing people taking it to crave foods and overeat. I have also had depression due to being severely bullied and sexually assaulted. I have no desire to bring these events up all over again, and relive them, just because my future fiancee and his family 'have a right to know'. It was brave of this woman to do so. Another thing: 'Miriam', instead of talking to her son/future daughter in law about the issue, or even her local rabbi, who would be much more helpful, has posted it over the internet where complete strangers can read it. We don't know your family, and so there's a limited amount of help any of us can give. My advice: If you truly consider this woman to be like a daughter to you, treat her like one. Gd doesn't guarantee a trouble-free life, meaning that even had she married your son with no issues, there could still be issues that would develop within her later on in life. You can see this as a challenge from Gd - to rise to the challenge and treat her with the respect and love and dignity any member of your family, and indeed any human being, deserves. Or, you can say, "I'm sorry Gd, but this is just too hard. I quit." And encourage your son to do the same, despite all her wonderful qualities. Which would you honestly rather do?

(7)
Anonymous,
May 22, 2013 3:26 PM

She "is a psychologist"... That alone would stop me from marrying her. They are all crazy.

Honestly, If your son is old enough to get married then he is old enough to manage his own life. What is it about Jewish moms that think they can run their kids lives when they are adults. Butt in all the time and meddle where they don't belong.

Don't the Proverbs say "teach a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it."

Were you a good mother or not? I guess not since your worried and won't cut the Umbilical cord when the guy is an adult.

The fact your talking about this in the first place. Like you should have any say in it at all. Or even Input. You lose both ways with your meddling.

People that go through a lot have a lot of wisdom. In ancient cultures the shamman is the guy who has the most experience. Prophets and great men of the bible have often very difficult lives. If you would have been through what this woman has been through you might be dead from suicide.

But, really what concerns me is the being a "psychologist" part. And, why do Jews like and respect this sham anti-faith profession. According to it all religious people and everyone in the bible is insane.

Seems like there is a "label" we could attach to your desire to control and meddle in your sons life.

(6)
michaltastik,
May 17, 2013 3:50 PM

It figures

that men would be interested in dating a woman with an eating disorder. Men are obsessed with these anorexic skinny women who don't eat.

I'm so sick of men and the way they pick women apart and expect us to look a certain way. The less I weigh, the more men hit on me, but it's the same old not look past my looks garbage. That's why I don't want to date anymore and the more the community tells me to, the more determined I become not to. Maybe the Jewish women should start raising their sons to be decent. I remember one woman screaming at me how her sons are sick of opening doors for women. I couldn't even respond to that, I mean it's just so pathetic of an attitude.

(5)
Raphaelle Do Lern Hwei,
May 10, 2013 6:18 AM

A Person's Spouse Is One Whom He/She Loves Despite Of

It will be good if the person considering marriage with one who has a history of mental health problems look at what happens when the partner has a relapse and if he/she and their family can cope with it. I can see that is what the concerned Mum who wrote this letter is coming from. Also, the family considering adding a person with a difficult past must see how that person deals with giving birth and bringing up children. The medication this person takes comes into account. How much pressure can the person take. This holds true for all of us, not only for people with medical histories.

(4)
shimon baum,
May 9, 2013 3:16 PM

Wait she attempted suicide on two separate occasions and shes a psychologist? That's not someone I would trust to provide therapy. First did she want your son to tell you about her past. Second were the suicide attempts related to the eating disorder. How long ago were they? What therapy did she get for that? Is she in therapy now? Is she on medication? Marriage is a leap of faith but why leap with someone you all ready know has issues. People who have multiple attempts at suicide have a habit of being successful at it sooner or later. Of course no matter what you say your son won't listen to you anyway.

ruthiel,
May 12, 2013 4:53 PM

everybody has issues

Marriage is indeed a leap of faith but why to leap with someone you already know has issues??
Everybody has some sort of issues, I am not saying that attempted suicide should be taken lightly - it is indeed is a very serious thing, but if we wait to find somebody without issues than most of us would end up spinsters/bachelors or would be unpleasantly surprised to find issues later on in marriage.

dafna,
May 15, 2013 2:12 PM

There is nothing that is not a gift, even catastrophe.

Would you take parenting advice from someone without children? Hire a colorblind interior decorator? An Amish auto mechanic? Of course not, because engaging with an "expert" devoid of practical experience is foolish. The same goes for psychologists. Wisdom is the fruit of experience, and experience is what you do not want to experience. You see a failed suicide, I see someone forged, honed, tempered by experience. This woman marshalled her miseries and put them to work in service of others, with forbearance and compassion, and you'd do well to learn by her example.
I had my first brain surgery at five days old and can no longer count on my fingers and toes the number of times I've been in the ICU, and will continue to be, intermittently, as long as live, and I am enormously grateful for it. It's not only made me a better health care provider - there is no better way to learn bedside manner than being bedbound - but a happier person, at peace even in crisis, because of crisis.
I'm humbler, more compassionate, more accepting of both my limitations and those of others, and simultaneously more awake to grace, because I know neither my face, nor hands, nor mind properly belong to me, and never did, they were lent to me who knows how, or for how long, certain all the same I must put them to use, knowing that whatever healing they do is not of me, but comes through me, by way of a love revealed even in terror, a love that extends not only to suicides, but negativistic, nihilistic nudges passing judgments they are in no way qualified to make on random message boards.
I don't know much, but I do know I am an abundantly flawed, frequently obnoxious, occasionally disastrous human being, as are we all, and I am thankful for it, more thankful for being endowed with the sense to know it, the heart and humor to forgive it, and the endurance to keep going not in spite of trouble, but because of it.
There is nothing that is not a gift, even catastrophe.

(3)
Miriam,
May 7, 2013 4:52 PM

What we wish for our kids...

We wish our kids could live easy lives, with no troubles or possibilities of troubles! But G-d knows better! It looks like this is the woman He chose for your son. And this is the woman your son chose! He could have fallen in love with an "easier", "simpler" girl - but he didnt'! He chose this one!

Focus on the positive and pray that this beautiful , wonderful girl always have strong mental health. The good news is that should she ever have a "relapse", she most likely knows what to do right away because of her experience: which medications to get on, therapist to see, etc.

Honestly, many girls who never had a whisper of a mental health issue are overwhelmed by PPD after a baby. Here's your daughter-in-law who can perhaps be seen as being ahead of the game becuse of her knowledge of herself that she gained during her past.

And, she now will have a loving husband and mother-in-law as a strong support system!

(2)
Mark,
May 7, 2013 3:46 AM

Carefully manage what you tell parents

I have been married for ten years and have two children. My spouse and I have learned that we need to manage the information flow to our parents. Too much information not only violates the privacy of those involved but also causes unnecessary worry and meddling from elderly parents. If my mom knew everything about my relationship with my wife, she would completely freak out. Same thing with our children - we do not tell our parents about certain things like their IQ test results. If we did, that would generate lots of questions, disagreement, and unnecessary drama.

Back to the original question - I think most people have varying degrees of problems and this sounds like its under control. Also, since the daughter-in-law is a mental health professional, she hopefully has good insight into her problems and that is likely a huge plus. Anyway, your son shouldn't have told you about this unless his fiance was on-board with you knowing about it. Maybe you should encourage him to keep his mouth shut.

(1)
Scott,
May 5, 2013 4:32 PM

Sometimes bones heal stronger.

Wow. So here's a question I have...who told you about your son's fiancees history? Who told him? If she did-good for her. If it was your son-shame on him, unless he had her permission. If it was already out there, then that's gossip. Gossip is bad.

If he brings it up, then discuss it. If not, leave it alone...that's my advice. You think that your son won't share your concerns with his bride to be? He's marrying her. I'd be careful not to say anything to him that might be taken as hurtful by your daughter in law to be. Women don't forgive that sort of thing easily. And she's going to be the mother of your (hopefully bunches) grandkids.

We are all screwed up to some degree. Believe me, I've spent my time on the therapists couch. Tried my share of medications. But I'm better for it. I know my wife's issues and she knows mine and we deal with each other and our baggage. The thing is- and not be insulting-your son knows the girl is a little nuts going into it...most people have to find these things out later. My wife and I didn't have any idea how crazy each of us was until we were already in the middle of it. And despite that we're doing okay, thank G*d. The coping skills I learned therapy earlier in life really helped...maybe that's why Hashem made me a little crazy from the start.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
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