Sunday, March 18, 2012

Last weekend was my birthday, and it was also the day that I came to a harsh realization...

I spent the morning crying as I thought about what I wanted for my birthday.

I wanted...want...and will always want her...here in my arms...I want to see her grow, smile, laugh...live...and it's probably something I will think about every birthday, and probably every Christmas, but being that this is my first of those occasions, I took it pretty hard. I thought, how can I ever go on with life as happy as I was before when part of my heart will always be broken? I thought to myself, "Heavenly Father, why would you give me a trial that will forever make me desire something that I can't have...

I will always want her...and although I know I have her eternally, I have to learn how to be patient...and that word seems so negative, just seeing it there in black and white...sure, I'll try and gain patience, but as a mother, how does one wait a lifetime to see her child?

Alma Chapter 34

41 But that ye have apatience, and bear with those bafflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions.

Part of me wonders if I allowed myself to get too attached to her once I knew that I was going to lose her. I remember we didn't even know it was a girl when we first found out, and then when we did, she became so real. She got the name that we had picked out, (the only name we had picked out...we didn't even have a boy name) and it seemed like we knew that it was her from the very beginning...although I do wonder if I am too attached, it is how it is, and my desires to have my little girl are what they are. I wonder if it's because I never wanted a girl, and now that I had one, I want her more than ever. I know that part of it is a pure longing for a baby, but at the same time, she seems so real. It's almost like I can picture her in Heaven...Oh, how I miss her. I know that some people may think that I didn't even know her, so this shouldn't be so hard for me to deal with or it's something that I can just not dwell upon, but as most women understand, before they are even born, you know your child more than anyone can ever comprehend . I can honestly say that it's a blessing Heavenly Father has given to us women.

MEMORIAL

A few days before my birthday, on March 6th, Elle's ashes were laid to rest. Behind the wall on the right is a large rock/urn, where the remains of my little baby, along with other special little babies, are put. Here is the description of the area...

"Located adjacent to the waterfall and ponds of Sunset Hills are the Sacred Falls Niches. This is a place of peace and solitude overlooking the entire valley."

I remember my Bishops wife telling me that it's like you never you want to leave California because a part of you is always there, and she is very right. I will go back to this spot on her due date and leave her pink tulips...and maybe a baby doll.

The memorial was difficult, but comforting. Although it was not of mine and my families faith, it was a beautiful memorial that I shared with a few other mothers. We put her name on a little quilt that they had made for the mothers to sign. Hunter wore his Lightning McQueen and Mater shirt so he could show Elle his favorite characters.

PEOPLE

One of the first things that someone told me when everything started to happen (that I unfortunately have found to be true), is that people that love me will unintentionally hurt me. Although I know that the times I have been hurt have been unintentional, part of me really wishes that when people are dealing with one going through an excruciating tragedy, that they would think before they speak, listen to the spirit, and understand the meaning of compassion. I want to be careful when I bring up this subject, because I don't want it to seem like a guilt trip, because it's not, but I've tried to take this experience and help others so that when they have to possibly deal with someone else who has gone through something tragic, that they will have gained experience. One big thing that I have to tell people is, "TRY". You may think that they want space, or already have tons of people visiting them or whatever it may be...but it's not always the case...don't just assume. Some people don't have a lot of family around, or even friends for that matter. It's not necessarily anyone's fault, but when you know someone is going through a trying time, even though you have no clue what to say or do, just TRY...oh, the BEST thing to say is simply your condolences...don't try and give them advice on how to get through it, unless you have been through something very similar. Don't just let them know that you are there for them, show them...leave a note, bring by a treat, a flower, yourself...The word "space" has a whole new meaning...I think some people think, oh they probably need their "space"...but then I think, what will space do? All we have are each other, and I'm sure when Christ saw someone in need comfort He didn't give them space..."Comfort those in need of comfort"...Looking back, and even now, I will be honest in saying that I do wish I had more visitors, yet the few that visited me make me even more thankful for them. I think that sometimes people don't realize that small gestures go a long way. With that being said, although I have felt hurt when it comes to this, I know it wasn't intentional, (I'm hurting no matter what so it's kind like the whole "Adding insult to injury" situation) and once again, thank you to those who came to visit and wrote heartfelt messages. I'm so grateful for those who have helped take little steps forward and have brought comfort to me. It's SO hard to not make life all about yourself when it comes to something like this..."it's all about ME"... and as I come out of that and gain better perspective, I hope and know that I will be there for someone else in need and will be more empathetic because of my experience.

MIRACLE

A few weeks after we lost Elle, we ran into someone who had recently almost lost her husband, and without any details, he was granted a miracle...along with MANY other things in life, my perspective has severely changed...I think...miracle...and I know I have talked about this before, but the natural man inside of me thinks, "Why couldn't we have been granted a miracle?". The answer is simply because it wasn't our Heavenly Father's will. This has taken and will always take so much faith...

Here are some passages from my favorite chapter in the scriptures about faith...we all need constant reminders and this will always be mine...

17 Yea, there are many who do say: If thou wilt show unto us aasign from heaven, then we shall know of a surety; then we shall believe.

18 Now I ask, is this faith? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for if a man knoweth a thing he hath no cause to abelieve, for he knoweth it.

42 And because of your adiligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the bfruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst.

With that being said...luckily my birthday was on a Sunday and the scripture was given by a primary child that basically said, "Misery loves company". I automatically understood, that while I sulk in the misery of my trial, it is not feelings from my Heavenly Father. Even though, for the first time in my life, I've had to earnestly search for happiness, it is there and I'm finding it as each day goes on. Some days are definitely better than others, but Heavenly Father want us to be happy...after church my birthday turned around and it was a "Happy Birthday" (as happy as it could be haha). My birthday dinner was surrounded by family who loves me and my Heavenly Father who loves me once again brought me tender mercies.

I must say that I am in continual gratitude for those who have reached out to me, prayed for me, and have just cared about me. One day I will sit down and write you a personal, heartfelt thank you...I owe you that much.

Love, Rosalie

p.s. In honor of St. Partick's Day (yesterday) here are the lyrics to one of my all time favorite songs, Irish Blessing...

May the road rise to meet you,May the wind be ever at your back.May the sunshine warm upon your face,And the rains fall soft upon your fields.And until we meet again.May God hold you, May God hold you Ever in the palm of his hand.