France

Following a ban on fashion models who are considered “too skinny”, France has continued to lead the way in body acceptance by announcing a ban on skinny dog food models. It is yet another attempt to convince dogs that skinny is not always better, and alert them of the dangers of being too thin. The SPCA have commended the French parliament, and asserted their belief that measures such as these will help to curb the spate of dog anorexia.

“Far too often we have dogs sent to us malnourished,” said chairman of the French SPCA, Victor Houliston. “And so many more come to us with diseases related to food deprivation. It’s time to stop this from happening, and banning skinny models is a great start.”

But dog modelling agencies, who face fines of up to $75 000 or 6 months jail time if they do not comply, have hit back, saying that this will further alienate skinny dogs, rather than helping them.

“At the moment, people are biased against fat dogs, but soon it will be the skinny ones who are without homes,” said Albert Camus, founder of The Dog Agency. “You’ll walk through those corridors at the homes for neglected dogs, and see puppies with barely anything more than skin and bones, and no one will want to take them. It’s totally counterproductive and bound to fail.”

Houliston responded that Camus’s rationale is manipulative, and that it “just doesn’t work that way.”

“Camus is admitting that there is a problem – that this is just not the way to solve it. But that works against him, because his agency is taking advantage of that problem. That is all we are trying to change. Anorexia is spreading like wildfire, and we are already seeing skinny dogs being kicked out of their homes. Our policy is not what is causing that.”

At press time, the French parliament had approved an amendment to the law, which will ensure that all skinny dogs out of employment will be compensated and supported until they can find new work.

American Airlines has expressed its annoyance with the media’s obsession with plane crashes. The major corporation says that it can no longer tolerate the collective wankfest that takes place after every air disaster, regardless of nationality or even cause. Their patience was seemingly tried to breaking point by the recent response to the Germanwings plane crash, precipitated by a suicidal co-pilot. Approximately 150 passengers were killed, a detail the media repeated over and over again, presumably with its metaphoric dick in its hand.

“The Malaysian flight that got lost… that was more than enough,” said Doug Parker, CEO of the transport giants. “With all their screwy theories, and the excitement over every bit of non-evidence… Then the flight that got shot down over the Ukraine, now this. It seems like all you see on CNN is plane crashes. It’s just not fair.”

Media analyst, John Tremp, agreed with the sentiment.

“The ratios are pretty insane,” said Tremp. “The number of planes that crash in a year – less than 200. The amount of airtime it gets on all media platforms – fucking enormous. It’s like the porn industry – there are exponentially more pornos portraying a housewife getting fucked by the pool boy than what happens in real life. It’s no wonder American Airlines is pissed.”

But the media has collectively promised not to stop the immense over coverage of such events saying, “America perves over this stuff. Traffic on RedTube and YouPorn goes down – pardon the pun – during coverage of air disasters. We as the media are committed to giving the citizens of the USA what they want, even if it is somewhat sickening.”

According to statistics, even articles blasting the obsession bring in unnecessary details of the event. For example, such articles will tell you that the co-pilot had been treated for suicidal thoughts, which surely is not something everyone has to know. Also routinely reported is inside info of the captain’s final words, including the devastating cry of “For God’s sake open the door!” – pure voyeurism.

After finding out what their children have been drawing in class, some parents are threatening to pull their children out of Peach Street Kindergarten in Atlanta, Georgia. Teacher Mary Christian says she has been having the children draw pictures of Muhammad, and that it is ‘all in good fun,’ and a great way for her class to rally behind the massacre at France’s Charlie Hebdo satirical magazine.

“We’ve been doing a unit on other parts of the world, and the kids had just learned about the Eiffel Tower when the terrorists attacked France. Now the kids are hearing things like ‘Terror in Paris’ on TV, and naturally they started asking questions. One of the students asked me, ‘Mrs. Christian, what made these men so angry?’ So this new unit was to help them understand religions.”

Six-year old student Ben explained his thoughts about the drawing classes to The Georgian Gazette Daily News. “Muhammad really doesn’t like having his picture taken, I guess, so I asked Mrs. Christian if we could draw him. My Mom gets really angry if you take her picture, too, but she always puts the pictures I draw of her on our refrigerator. I’m glad mommy doesn’t have guns when she gets mad.”

When asked if she knows who Muhammad is, kindergartener Crystal said that he was part of other people’s “wrong beliefs.”

“Mrs. Christian told us Muhammad is like Jesus in the part of the world Aladdin is from, but he’s got a big beard like Santa,” said Crystal. “I drew my Muhammad with a blue beard, because blue is my favorite color.”

Christian says she doesn’t know what people are so upset about. “I think it is important for kids to know about other religions, so they can understand how stupid they are. Someday they will learn all about Jesus in Sunday school, but I can at least start them early in understanding that Muhammad isn’t real, and Jesus was. Personally, I support Charlie Hebdo, and the job they’ve done in mocking these horrible, sickening religions. I hope that they come back from their troubles and don’t lose their religious edge.”

School officials say they are “looking into the matter,” but so far they have not fired or suspended the teacher from her position.

Drawings from the Peach Street Elementary School kindergarten class, showing their interpretations of the prophet Muhammad

“It was an oversight and we were simply filled to capacity,” explained hotel concierge Monique Val-de-Marne, through a translator. “It was quite embarrassing for us as you can well imagine. We offered to provide accommodation for Miss Hilton through the courtesy of one of our competitors, which she gracefully accepted.”

Hilton traveled to France to host an art gallery opening and to promote her second studio album featuring the single “Come Alive” which was released on July 8.

Produced by the record label Cash Money, a subsidiary of Universal Music Group, the music video features images of rainbows, pink, puffy clouds and unicorns, echoing Hilton’s public persona – that of a young, entitled princess, spending the bulk of her time enjoying the leisurely and dream-like lifestyle that comes with fame and fortune.

“Hilton Hotels provide unparalleled service and amenities to all of our guests,” said Val-de-Marne, who blamed the misstep on a staff member who did not recognize Ms. Hilton. “We always have a private suite set aside for what you would call VIPs,” she continued, “but this time an oversight was made for which we take full responsibility. The employee has been taken care of,” added Val-de-Marne, who was not working at the time of Hilton’s visit. The employment status off the staff member could not be confirmed or verified, with a terse “No comment!” issued by an unidentified reception desk staff member when reached by phone.

“Miss Hilton behaved quite professionally and politely from all reports,” remarked Val-de-Marne, “and we would be happy to have her visit our hotel anytime she wishes to do so.”

No statement has been issued by representatives of Paris Hilton with regard to the incident.