Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Its a big tough old world out there and the internet has opened it up to us all, if it hadn't, you wouldn't be reading this blog in the first place. So why do we all come on the internet in the first place and having found this huge resource, do we stay so long.
Well i think it is more than likely because we find something that grabs our attention and we find that all of a sudden we fit somewhere, find other people who have a like mind on certain subjects be it a lifestyle choice or a common interest of another kind, anything is possible and before you know it, you have friends around the world who over time might become as important to you that those who live in the same street/town, sometimes even more so if your interests are not those that are readily available in general social circles.

You might have a need to look further afield to satisfy your needs on subjects that could be considered taboo within your home boundaries and it is far better to do that in a convivial setting than try to find somewhere close to home that can satisfy that desire, with little hope of success or even the possibility of being outcast if you were to reveal those desires to your family and friends.
Sometimes its better to be a little secretive and rather than blurt out your "kink" just for the sake of being honest and open about yourself, to have a little restraint and keep it under your hat. Sometimes the pain caused by your "coming out" into the open arena will be too much for your loved ones to bear or to even begin to understand and therefore it may be better to not even consider telling those closest to you about your choices.

So where do you go, who do you speak to in your efforts to find others of a like mind, to extend your own knowledge base, to gain a more deeper insight into the subject of your choosing.
Well, i assume that's where the internet comes in for many people.

Some use it to move forward within the field that interests them, others however use it for their own personal gain and even at the cost of others, having little thought for those on the receiving end of their deceit and lies. Those are the one who give the internet a bad name as well as the lifestyle that i and many others enjoy accessing via the net.

It has taken a long long time for many alternative lifestyles to become accepted in the mainstream of today's society, with many ups and downs along the road, that isn't to say that the Gay movement for example or any other alternative choice is fully accepted by the public at large even now, there is still a long way to go for many but it is possible to find people just like you if you are willing to make the effort to go out, to move away from the traditional way of expanding your social circle and use the resources available to us all in this age of technology.

Dont stagnate in the process of trying to build the life you chose because you are not willing to use those resources because they are not the standard way for doing things, try to expand the mindset to encompass all and every means available to you. Dont reject the idea that the internet can be used to enhance your life in so many ways with only a little knowledge of how it all works.
In love and life situations, the possibility of finding the person of your dreams in the next street or even in the same town is unlikely to say the least, what you might consider is that if there is a right person for each and every one of us, what's the chances of that one even living in the same country.
With the opening up of the WWW, you now have the ability to expand your search to find the person that is the ideal for you, but unless you are prepared to open your mind up to that idea that your world is no longer confined to a small area in your immediate locations but rather now encompasses the entire world you have little if any chance of ever going further than the end of your street.....

Use the resources availabe, you have a lot of searching to do.... its a big bad world out there.. have fun looking...

Monday, November 29, 2004

Two things that seemed to have been in the forefront of my thinking this weekend, neither having that much bearing on the other but both have value and need some mentioning.
Master and i attended a munch* on Friday, not something we have done for a while, but we needed a night out and some real life D/s friends invited us, so we made the effort to go.

Maybe i am getting too old, but a smoke filled pub with very loud music and a crowd of adult nilla males who don't know how to behave in public sort of ruined the night before it began. i should also mention that as far as i am concerned, if one is intending to go on to another venue at some point in the evening and have any intention of "playing" i feel that to consume any amount of alcohol is not a good advertisement for the Safe, Sane and Consensuality that are the watchwords of the lifestyle we all move in.
However little you may consume in an evening, impairs not only ability but judgment and it is, as far as i am concerned, a golden rule that you do not play having had a drink. Those principles didn't seem to apply on Friday and altho it isn't any of my business what others do, i still feel that it is worth a mention here that drink, drugs or any other substance that has an effect on ones senses, however little, should not be mixed with play, its asking for trouble and certainly does not set a good image for the lifestyle as a whole. There are far too many things that can go wrong within a scene as some of the techniques and toys used have to be handled with care and attention, accidents happens and one needs to be in full control of oneself in a play setting as under the influence of any substance these usually well controlled yet safe activities, can become dangerous. We left and went on to have a nice meal with our friends and the evening wasn't a total disaster.

The other thing that has occurred this weekend is the break up of a few long term D/s relationships of people we have come to know quite well within the chat scene, each couple having been together for some time and yet, they have come to the end of their roads together. No one is to blame in these break ups yet the pain and heartache that the subs in particular feel is obvious in their way of speaking and the fact that they each feel they have given all they could to their respective Dominants and yet have found that it wasn't enough. The submissive trait of blaming themselves, that they have failed in their submission or that they may in fact not be a good submissive seems to be one of the main factors in their pain and try as one might to say that even within a D/s relationship, that it take two to tango, they still cannot accept that it was not their fault alone. Each has a different way of coping and i can only hope that time will heal the wounds and the pain and that none of them leave the lifestyle because of their experiences.
It pains me to see good friends having such a hard time, i wonder what to say to each, as words do not help in these situations, online D/s that goes on to become real life, that stands the test of time, because of the depth with which these relationship go, the pain of parting is not just about losing the love of ones life, but of losing the Master, the controlling influence, the holder of all that you have become. It must be such a wrench, i cannot even begin to imagine how it must be, to one day have the main focus of your life there, for you to love and care for, to feel his power in your life, his control over so many aspects of day to day living and then, to not have that any more... the loss must be unbearable.
i am thankful that i know in my heart of hearts that i shall never be in that position with my Master, we are as one, now and forever, there is no other way for us now.

*Munch: A social gathering of likeminded people, sometimes including playparty afterwards but other times, just to meet and get to know others in the lifestyle

Thursday, November 25, 2004

i have been thinking about honesty and what happens when that isn't adhered too and when in the melee of trying to find what it is each person seeks in chat or within a D/s situation, lies get told and the end result is people getting hurt.
If people were just honest and upfront about what they are looking for, and i mean totally honest, no frills or bows added, honest about what they want and what they can offer, life would be so much easier for all concerned. Why they need to butter up the reason for being here i do not know because the chances are that the web of deceipt that is made out of the lies will come back to haunt then sooner or later .

Example:Its easy to create a nic with Master this or Sir that on it and come into a D/s chat room, doesn't mean the bloke behind the nic has a Dom bone in his body, might even not be a bloke for all we know, but the Sir bit starts, fems offering this person some little act of submission etc and lets be honest, what bloke wouldn't want all the fems bowing down to him...Hey its the ideal...so they try it and sometimes it works...and they get all the fems swooning all over them...trouble starts when they enjoy it so much that they want more and before they know it they have a sub that they cant handle because really they have a wife and 2 kids at home, so they leg it, with a short but sweet mail that states they have this drama or that drama at home and really cant be dealing with a sub at this time, so off they go to change their nic so that they can start all over again, promising themselves each time that they wont get so caught up in it all the next time and that they will just play around a bit, not getting tangled with any one person in particular, but they do and it happens again and another heart is hurt.Same applies to the fems of course....pretending to be something they are not...Doms get caught as well.
Perhaps everyone wants a bit of escapism and its ok playing at escape as long as you tell people that's what you are doing and that you have these real life commitments and that you cannot offer any more than that but its so easy online..until...the fem lets say..wants more and the bloke starts to hide and cheat on his wife and he skulks around and gets up in the middle of the night to log in..and moves the pc into the spare room and every time the wife comes into the room..he minimises the screen.If people would just clear their decks if they have a serious intent or if not, then at least be honest about it..but hey.. you might say.. thats life.. Unfortunately..because the other person behind the screen is real too..and think they have found something good..which turns out to be a load of lies.

They might be desperate for someone to love them..desperate to the point of not seeing the realities..that its not that easy..that this person who professes to be something he/she is not... will continue to play this game until they get backed into a corner and then its time for the mail that gives out the standard reasons why this cannot continue and yet again, someone's heart is chipped a little more.How many times, how many people have to be put through this charade, some have wised up, some don't even let the wall down anymore because they have been caught again and again and yet still we see, the new nic appearing and the game begins again.I just wish people would be honest about what they are doing, would save so much time and heartache for so many people.

It would seem that having started this blog some while ago, i have found something that gives me the ability to say what i think, when i think it without any need to hold back or not be true to myself and my thoughts. It might be said that my words here are a reflections of the real me and it has been pointed out to me on several occasions lately that the way in which i can freely and opening express the true me seems to come out well in my blog.

i have found over time that if i try to say things that are not a true reflection of what i am actually thinking, they don't come out half as well as they would if i was truthful and really said what i wanted to say. i am finding that altho sometimes people might not always agree with my forthright attitude, they have a tendency to respect what i write even if they don't agree with it, that the honest approach seems to be better than dressing it up in frills and bow just to keep people happy but in doing so not really saying what was on my mind.
I have an MSN profile on which there is a space for a favorite quote and the one on mine, which has been there for quite some time now is as follows:

"This above all: To thine own self be true. And it must follow as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man"
William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

i cannot say that i live by that concept all the time, but i will say that it is more in the front of my mind these days than it ever has been and that i think is due mainly to the response i have had to the blog and the way i say what i think here, rather than trying to say things with frills and bows just to keep people happy. That isn't of course to say that what i might have to say has any more merit or that it should be taken as gospel because that isn't how it is, this is just my opinion on the subject matter that i chose to write about on any given day but at least, when i do write about something, what you see is a true reflection of the way i think and feel on that particular subject. i have made a promise to myself of late that i will no more, dress up my thoughts just to keep people happy, if i have something to say, i am going to say it and if people don't like it or don't agree, they are at liberty to say so or not read my blog. No more half thoughts or truths, just me as me is and with that, my thoughts and feelings as they are...100% honest or not at all. This policy is also going to spread, out of my blog and into any other writings or conversations i may have in chat or elsewhere, i am me and i have to be true to myself and to others, saying what people want to hear might in the short term keep them happy, but in the long run, surely, the truth, as i see it at the time, is better than lies.

i would like to once again, put forward my Master for some praise and credit, for his steadfast loyalty to myself and the children, for his constant endeavors to see that we are well taken care off, at some extraordinary cost to himself, on a daily basis and how much he gives to us of himself. It has been said recently that all men are selfish, (swear word) gits who give little and care less for their lady's.. i am here to say that my Master, is not and never will be one that falls into that category. His never ending toil to see that we are warm, well fed and cared for is a credit to him as a man and as my Master and i would like to thank him from the bottom of my heart for all he does and for all he gives of himself to see that we are ok. i have watched him lately and can see in his eyes and in the way he holds himself that this is taken so much out of him, yet each day he pushes himself more and more, digs deeper and deeper to find what is needed to keep him going so that he can provide what he committed he would do, when we became one, when we took on the Master/slave relationship that is what our lives are built on. Thank you Sir, for being who you are, what you are and for loving me as you do.

The strength we have, will see us through all this and i am sure that in time, the table will turn and life will become what we hope and dream it will be, until then, i remain, your loving slave, the one who offered you her gift of submission all that time ago, and has never once, nor will ever, regret that decision.

Monday, November 22, 2004

i have to admit that inside me is what can only be described as my GreenEyed Monster, i am sure that the majority of people, male or female have one of these little demons in them and most will let it out if they are given just cause.
If your partner is caught with his/her pants down or takes a step to far, would you smile sweetly, tell them its fine and never think a second thought about it. Well folks...i couldn't and would more than likely flip, scream, shout etc, yet it would seem that some within the lifestyle find this kind of behaviour acceptable, even encourages it, under the banner of it being a part of their lifestyle choice. Not for me it isn't, even tho i accept that each has a right to decide what they do, i am still convinced that if someone needs to have more than one partner, then there is something not quite right within the mainframe of the relationship..... experience, trying new things etc, seems to be a good excuse used regularly for this kind of "play" but i still say that there has to be something behind the need for a Dom or a sub, to play with someone other than their partner even in the name of finding a deeper submission or more experience so they may please their Doms later, or whatever. Still...as i say, not for MG and i, doesn't float our boats at all, in fact we go out of our way to not be put into that kind of a situation, avoiding the play parties at munches if at all possible.

Another question that raised its head today was that of the need for compatibility within a relationship. People seem to forget some of the very basis tenents of life when they fall in love, some of the "do not do's" gets totally lost and the old saying that love is blind takes over and we accept a load of crap that under normal circumstances we wouldn't. We hope that the little incompatibility that become clear within the early stages of a relationship might not have that much bearing on the whole thing and we might be able to work through them. We try and we keep trying in the hope that the little things that are not right will not outdo the things that are good.
Within a D/s relationship, this compatibility is even more important and it should be one of the first things that any Dom or sub should consider before they get in too deep. The Dominant who is looking for a 3rd to join an existing couple would be silly to look at a sub that is only into one on ones, the sub who is not into pain would be silly to consider a Dom who finds that the inflicting of pain is a major part of what he is looking for. It just wont work. However, as with all relationships, it is all to easy to try and block out some of the little incompatibilities in the hope that as the relationship progresses, these will become less significant... but, the chances of some of these things not coming up at some time or another is very unlikely so therefore, we really should all be totally honest with ourselves from the outset, much as we might want or desire a certain Dom or sub, that if we are not compatible, we never will be.
Taking time to find out if each party matches can take a little or a long while but is something that should be done and done properly, find out what you are letting youreself in for before you get too involved or get in too deep, however there are always those hidden things that may not come out in the beginning and when they do, we find ourselves, already deep into a relationship and not wanting to loose what we already have, we try to ignore the bad points. This might work for a time but there is a likelihood that these points will become more and more of an issue until they causes rifts or disagreements between both and inevitably might cause the breakup.

This of course could also be an answer to the beginning of this blog... why do people let others walk all over them, even under the banner of BDSM. Hell..there is no way i would agree to MG wanting to play away, if he did, if he said he needed too.. then i would say, fine.. go ahead.. im off...
It was never bought up at the beginning of our relationship and was never an issue (because it isn't who we are really i guess ) but had we been different, had we not be as compatible as we are and he had other agenda's to mine... then i guess we wouldn't be a couple now.. D/s, nilla or otherwise... Thank god we are compatible.. more so than just compatible..we are soulmates... we only need each other.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

This weekend really became a weekend, with MG's days off falling over Friday/Saturday and Sunday, a rare occurrence and one that we are always grateful for. The children had other arrangements set with their father so it meant that MG and i had three days of down time all to ourselves as well. What a rare treat.We made the conscious effort to spend some quality time together, working on the upgrade to the seekers website that has been ongoing for a few weeks now, we also made the conscious effort that we would not get so engrossed with that, that we left no time to be together as Master and slave. However, as so often is the case, that Ye olde sods law took its toll and Friday evening neither of us were feeling up to much else other than just relaxing in each others company. Promising ourselves that Saturday would be different, we spent a pleasant evening in chat and retired at a sensible hour as MG had worked over Thursday night and had not really slept at all during the day.
Saturday, the day was much like any others day, the usual, a bit of shopping, a bit of television, a bit of this and that, come the evening our chat room became active as it sometimes does with a dozen or more people in and it would have been all to easy to forego our plans and continue to be sociable with the friends that were there. However, that was not the intention for the evening. The plans had been set and we were going to take this time for us and our M/s.
I have to mention here that even when plans are made, there is no scene set, we do not find any great pleasure in the fantasy scening that some BDSM'er do, each to their own of course but it is not for us. We don't do for example, the Teacher/pupil thing, were i might take on that role of pupil and MG the Teacher and from there the scene is set, no, we prefer the spontaneous BDSM, it is what we enjoy most and is how the majority of our "sceneing " occurs. The infliction of pain and stimulation, the M/s interaction that follows allows us both to either Dominate the activities or to submit to it. If there was a need for some kind of discipline or even punishment, then that might also become a part of the scene but as it was, there was no need for that but more rather a need for us both to get able to get into our Master and slave sensual roles and do what we do, which allows us to give and receive the stimulation that we get from this kind of activity. Whats my point here you ask. Well i had a thought during our evening regarding the down effects of such play as opposed to the up side of it and mentioned to MG at the time that i really should write about this before it got lost and so that i could make the point that there is always a down side to the up.
This down side isn't something that ever occurs to me until i am actually in it, the euphoria of the up and what it takes to get there being the only focus of what we are doing.. Not once do i even think that there will be a pay back. But there always is and i am really surprised each time i experience it as to why i never remember it from the times before.
The up side is the pleasure, the pain, the total focus on what we are doing and why, the one on one time, the nothing is going to come between us time, the we are focused totally on each other time and as we progress to deeper levels and i begin to go off into a world of pain and endorphin's where i have lost a good part of my mental capacity to think rationally, the last thing on my mind is the after effects of what is going on.

Those don't come till a while after i have hit the plateau, until after the orgasms has ripped through me and i am left totally drained but glowing with the pleasure of the journey i have just taken.
This is where that down side kicks in, the lack of mental capacity to even think straight, the uncontrollable eye movements, the shakes, the fainting spells that come over me and of which i have absolutely no control over. MG says to me, go with it, don't fight it and yet, it is a natural reaction to try and maintain a balance, to be able to think straight, to be able to stand without assistance, or to even control the tears that may flow without any real cause or reason. All this is the down side and something that i said last night and have said before....Why do i put myself throught this, its not a nice experience.

If we look at the fainting or lack of ability to remain in a conscious state as an example. Under any other circumstances, if this occurred to anyone else, the majority of us know that you put the head between the knees and if you are lucky, the fainting feeling should pass and yet, here i am in exactly the same situation and i am having to go with it, allow it to take over me, to send me off into the realms of the subspace i have just left, there is no means of stopping this or the feeling that accompanies it and of course, in due time, as the body re-balances its blood levels and chemicals, i will be fine and we will back to normal, but during this episode, that isn't the case and its all very well saying go with it but heck, its an awful feeling. So once again, i have to ask...Why do i do this.?

And the answer is...because what it takes to get there is worth more that the discomfort of what may occur afterwards. The getting there is far more important, is so intense, so deep and meaningful, the journey is what it is all about. The arriving at that point where i am under MGs total control, he could do about anything he wished while i am in this state. The trust needed for that is also a part of our M/s, my trust in him that he will not abuse or take advantage of that.
All that comes before the flight satisfies the needs in me that i have to fulfill, the after effect are the cost really, of having those needs met.

Why do i never remember the cost, well i guess because they are insignificant to the whole reason as to why we do what we do. And that can be summed up in a few words, we do it because it is who we are and fulfills needs that we both have. If there is a cost involved, it is cheap at half the price.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

The need to make decisions in our lives is one that i don't think any of us are really expert at, we all have to make these choices at some stage or another, we all have to work out the pro's and con's of the choices concerning our daily lives and those choices are likely to affect not just ourselves but those around us as well. When a choices we have to make has a significant bearing on the lives of others it makes the decisions even harder.
Its all very well if you are a single person and what you decide to do in any given circumstances affect you and only you, there is only that one consideration, is it what you want, fine, fair enough, go with whatever you decide is best for you. It will not affect or not hurt or cause others any hardship. If however, the decision is going to have a bearing, on the lives of your loved ones, your family, yourself even then it is a much more difficult decision to make when you have to take into account all the other outside influences.
As a submissive, i chose to give up the right to make certain decisions about my life, i give those over to my Master for him to make then on my behalf, of course, he isn't likely to make those without first asking my opinion on the matter but because i give him the right to have the final say, at the end of the day, the decision process will stop fairly and squarely at his feet. He will always talk to me about things that have a bearing on not just himself, but on me and the children, taking all those factors into consideration before he makes his final choice. That added pressure, the need to see that whatever he does decide, does not have a fall out that will affect us in a bad way makes this process really difficult, even to his detriment on occasions and i have to say that sometimes i feel that we, the kids and i, cause him more worry than he needs to bear. But that again, is his decision and when i have pointed this out to him, he will firmly tell me, that that is his duty and that i have no need to even concern myself with it. Doesn't make matters any easier on me tho, i worry that he might take on too much in his efforts to take care of us all.
The current dilemma is whether to quit his job, which if you are a regular reader of my blog, you will be aware is a shite one to say the least and is taken a heavy toll on him and us as well. i have no doubt that whatever he decides will be in the best interest of us all but with many other factors to consider, not just the quitting but what comes after, all have to be thought about and taken into account. i can and have giving my Master my thoughts on the matter, we have talked about all the various options available and gone over all the good and bad points of quitting and staying, holding out till something else is found, every avenue will be explored, but again, the decision, will be his and his alone. All i can do and of course will do, is give him my total support in whatever he decides to do and be there as and when i am needed.
i have never liked to make choices for myself, i am quite able to make them, have had to make them at certain points in my life, some even having major effects on both me and the children, when i have to i can and like anyone else will go with the consequences of any decisions i have had to make, however, that doesn't mean to say i like making them and when i choose to become my Masters submissive, one of those things i gave up was that need to make life changing decisions, and i have to say that it is not something i miss because i don't.. i tend to panic now, if i am left to decide, looking to MG for guidance and support, help and encouragement so that if i have to make a choices, i can at least do it with some confidence that i am making the right ones.
i can only hope that at the end of all the working out and balancing of this current situation my Master comes to a decision that is not only right for me and the girls but is also right for him. i have trust in him that it will. Watch this space..!!!

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Emphasis or lack of, can quite easily alter the meaning on the word and this is even more obvious when the words are written or typed. Without facial expression or tone it is really quite common for people to get the wrong end of the stick and that i am afraid is usually where problems begin. Then trying to sort out the mistake, again, by the written word the mistakes are compounded and one is likely to just dig a bigger and bigger hole for oneself. It sometimes feels like it would be best to say nothing rather than take the risk of being misunderstood.The computer and more specifically, chat rooms and instant messengers have a lot to answer for sometimes, not always giving people a good medium in which to express themselves as they would if they were standing in front of the person having a face to face conversation. Trying to say the right words along with the appropriate meanings is not that easy without the use of the tone of voice that we are all so accustomed too. The use of the little emotes do help sometimes, if used in the right context, it can be possible to add a smiley face or a wink along with the written word in order to express the mood in which the joke, lets say, was intended.You would have thought tho, that those who use these mediums on a regular basis would be aware of this problem and counteract it, taking into account and maybe pausing a bit before they jump to wrong conclusions about a misunderstood emphasis.i have been on the wrong end of this on many occasions in the 5 years + that i have been using my computer to stay in touch with friends and acquaintances and have had a few occasions when what i may have thought i said has been totally mis-received by the person to whom i was chatting. These mistakes have cause me some difficulties as i have tried to correct them with little effect as by that time, the damage may well already have been done. Its difficult to take back what has already been said and just as hard to try and make people believe that you really didn't mean it that way and that had they read it, in the tone in which you had typed it, there would be no problem...too late tho, the words have gone along the internet highway and no amount of trying to chase them down and correct them is going to make things any better. May just as well throw your hand up in the air and admit defeat. Try to make amends and hopefully..start again...if you have the chance..!!

Monday, November 15, 2004

A debate in the chat room this evening was about some peoples opinion that it is better to have a partner even tho you might have to feel the lost of that person on a day to day basis, when each time you are removed from them the pain you feel is like that of the loss of a part of you.... than to not have anyone to pine for or to love at all.i thought about this and i guess those who have not got that sort of a relationship cannot understand that those who's love is so great and so strong might feel the pain of parting and that the pain rips the very heart and soul out of them. i also believe that to not have someone in your life to cherish and care for, must also be painful but the idea that you cannot miss what you have never had could be easier on those who have never experienced this feeling.... but if you have been there and enjoyed a loving relationship and then, for whatever reason, it is lost to you... that pain i would think is also devastating.. wishing, wondering if you will ever find the one who makes your heart race once more.

I do think tho that it is difficult for those who do not have or have not experienced the kind of love i hold for my Master, that they also cannot understand where it is that i am coming from, if i try to explain to those who do not have that sort of relationship i am told to be grateful for what i have... and please do not think i am not.. i would not give up what i have for anything, but i do wish people would open their eyes and see that love can hurt as much as not loving. The desire to be loved is all consuming, it is a part of the human make up and if we go deeper into the realms of the lifestyle, the need to give of ourselves to our Masters is the greatest desire for a submissive, to be unable to do that must also make one feel as if a part of their very souls are missing.However, in my deepest moments of missing my darling Master, when i am at my lowest, at a times when you will not likely find me with a smile on my face and a happy disposition, when i cannot summon up the attitude of all is rosey in the garden, people do have a tendency to poo poo the fact that i can be sad and depressed they cannot see that i have anything to be sad about and rarely do they even begin to understand the struggle i am having to cope with when a major part of me is missing.That hole in me, that swallows up my very begin sometimes, when i am weak and not able to hold on to the thought that soon the hole will be healed and i shall be complete again....at those times, when i look to my friends to help me through, other people sit on the side line, without full knowledge of who i am and decry my sadness at missing my Master. I have also felt that it is impossible to explain to others who's relationships are not as ours is, whose lives are lived within comfort zones because they are not able or not willing to make the changes needed to find the one who makes them feel the way MG makes me feel. They are just existing for existing sake, they do not have the love for their partners that make their hearts pound or that makes them feel totally lost when they are apart. Those i pity...that they will never know what it is like to be truly loved for themselves.What keeps me going..the knowledge that it isn't too long to wait until Master and i are as one again, i know that we will always be together, and because we will, i also know that there are going to be times when we are forced to be apart, it will always be that way, that's life...i also know the partings will never get any easier...so i shall continue to love MG with all my heart and soul and live each day in the knowledge that he will return to me as soon as he is able so that we may continue with our lives as one. i shall live with the pain of parting and the joy of reunion, i shall continue to serve him to the very best of my ability and be happy in doing that for he is my life and my love and without him, i would only be half the person i am right now.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Having spent three absolutely lovely lazy days with MG, the pain of parting is even more intense , i long for his company, his closeness, to hold and be held, i am lost and alone and Good old Will Shakespeare and his quote "Parting is such sweet Sorrow" knew what he was talking about with the exception of the sweet bit, because there is nothing sweet about how i am feeling this evening as MG is once again, miles away at the beginning of a long 5 night shift and i miss him so much. My heart breaks.i have been re-reading my own blogs over the last couple of days and it seems to me that life at present isn't, as either MG or i would wish it, these separations pain us both and if there was any way we could find to not have to be apart, trust me dear readers, we would have found it by now. But my point here is that as much as i desire to be with MG, whatever job he may do is going to take him away at some point and as we are not in any position for him not to have to work, nor can we find or think of anything we could do together i suppose we had both better get use to these separations and make the most of the times that we do have. i could of course wallow in all this depression, let it take over but lets be honest, what purpose would that serve really, other than to send me into some fits of blackness and misery so i am not going to let that happen, its a matter of standing strong and getting on with life for the next few days, seeing that things get done and kids are looked after and wait, wait for the next few days together.Love hurts, in our case as i am sure it does in others who are in the same situation as we are. That makes me chuckle a little bit because the tattoo MG has placed on my body is of Chinese characters which translated mean just that "Love Hurts", altho his intention when choosing the mark wasn't quite this kind of hurt but rather the pain that is inflicted on me, by my Master, from within our M/s relationship and very proud i am to carry MG's mark on me. The decision to do that took us some 2.5 years as it wasn't something we felt the need to rush into and we were also very aware that until the time was right for us both, for me to have a permanent mark wasn't something that should be rushed into.The implications behind tattooing or branding a slave is not something that, imho, should be rushed into and even when the decision is made to go down that road, much thought and care as to what mark is going to be and where it is to be placed really should be a joint decision and one that each are totally happy and comfortable with.There is no going back and that's the whole point to this blog... there is no going back, we are here and the only place left for us to go is forward..together, Master and slave always, till the end of time. The chances are of course that some of that time we are going to be apart by the forces of normal every day life , its never going to be easy but it is yet again one of those things that we have no control over so i guess its something we have to work around and get use to.Doesnt stop it hurting tho....and most probably, never will.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Isn't it just the way tho, that you think you have it sussed, have it all worked out in your head and something or other take preference and try as you might, each time, there is a good reason for the change of plans or other more pressing matters take the time you have set aside for enjoyment and relaxation.
However, having said that, this weekend has been rather pleasant, with MG home we have had some quality time together, not particularly M/s but together, which is a rarity these days what with his work load etc and as we both said, just being in each others company is enough sometimes, when it doesn't happen that often. We have had some of that, the last couple of days and worked on some website designing which, as a team i have to say we are quite good at. The Seekers site is becoming a vast resource and we decided it was time to bring all the sub domains together under one banner. The end result is pleasing but more than that, it gave us something to work on together, which in itself, for me, is even more important that what the end result is.Sitting side by side, discussing, designing, working out the little touches that make our sites what they are affords MG and i some really close linked time, totally focused on us and what we are doing without any distractions, these times bring us so close, we know what the other is thinking, one might have some input then the other adds something else and together, we find the end result. As individuals we each have something to bring to the table, mine is the vision, how it should look, the end picture etc, MG's is the technical knowledge of how to create the effect i can see, singularly, we would never achieve what we do, but together, we can do anything and that is what makes us so good at what we do, team work.
We don't always get it right, we fall down on many things but we get up again and start over and in the end we always reach the place we are intending to get to.
This applies to all aspects of our relationship, M/s, nilla, family.. everything, nothing is easy, life is an uphill struggle sometimes but then would it be worth the effort if it was always handed to us on a plate. The struggle makes the achievement all the more worthwhile in the long run and altho i may complain about lack of some things in my life, really i shouldn't because in general, i am very happy, my life with MG is about as complete as anyone could wish for. The icing on the cake isn't always so important, a sprinkling of sugar is just as good sometimes and half as fattening.Priorities, mine are health, happiness and the love i have for my Master and children and the love they give me in return. Sometimes, that's all i need.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Well, i have had a day to think about last nights blog and MG has been at home and has also given me more food for thought as he also has been thinking about what i have written.i do feel that the statement made at the end of yesterdays blog has some serious Master/slave issues and i have been thinking about those and this is what i have come up with.

We had words about MG's lack of "Domlyness" of late, not due to not wanting, just too many outside influences.. tiredness.. pressure etc, it then suddenly occured to me right out of the blue, MG is Master so technically what he says goes therefore if he isn't in the mood or doesn't have his "Dom Head" on, who am i to argue with that, he is the one that has control of all things, should i therefore not submit to his needs, which are for some NON D/s time, without complaints, a twist i know. Maybe i should accept that he isn't in the right frame of mind and and allow my submission to him to come out via that, in submitting to not submitting. If MG needs a little break, i should just be my usual self around him until he feels under less pressure from work etc and is more in the right frame of mind and is able to see to my submissive needs in a more traditional manner.We don't live M/s 24 hours a day, it just isn't practical, altho i am always slave and he is always Master, that is the mindset thing, that never goes away but we have had little time for a while to get into any of the usually rituals and routines we have previously set and those are what i have been missing i guess... as they tend to set my frame of mind.i had thought tho that if he doesn't dominate, how can i submit then it occurred to me, even if it is submitting to going without those rituals etc in his best interest because after all my task in life, what i offer him MG, is to serve his needs, and right now, his needs might be for some down timeIt just seemed to me that when we have the chance to get a bit deeper into our M/s, He wasn't in the mood and when He was, the kids were here or something else distracted us both, so the opportunity would be lost, we just don't seem to be able to find the right time and this has been going on for a few weeks now and i am suffering withdrawal symptoms and i had started to get mouthy too hence the "words" we had that has bought this all out into the open.
i had also stopped writing my journal for example, because i thought he wasn't in that frame of mind to even read it, i guess i was saying in a round about sort of way.. "well if you are not going to be Dom..why should i be sub" which to be honest just put more and more pressure on him to be Dom when he just didn't have it in him.

Well folks...thats my thinking on this. MG is Master and if he needs some Down Time, then as his slave, who's role/task, call it what you like...is to see to her Masters needs, then so be it.
We know who we are, that can never go away so even if we are not acting or fulfilling the physical roles, the mental knowledge is there always, sometimes, and we found this before, the mental/physical desires get out of synch, until they resync.. you just have to wait and then suddenly.. blam.. they're back together and its all fine.We are very much in tune with each other most of the time so when we get out of synch i think it affects us a lot, its like two trains going round two circular tracks at different speeds, sometimes they are side by side and then they may not be, eventually though.. they come back side by side , we just have to wait for that time, it will happen and until it does, i shall be the slave that i am, and serve my Masters needs...whatever they may be....

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

i guess that we can all put in too much for our own good in all sorts of aspects of our lives, trying too hard to get where we are going and not getting anywhere fast. We all still try tho and keep on trying because if we don't, whats the point in it all. Nothing in life is free or is going to fall into your lap, anything worth having is worth fighting for, struggling for, its like given kids money, it burns a hole in their pockets, but if they have to work for it, it make it all the more pleasurable in the long run and they don't go out and blow it all, recalling what they had to do to get it in the first place.Then again, i guess you could say that for every up there is going to be a down, for every high, a low... i just wish i had more of the high/ups than the low/downs but.. as has been said before.. there are people far worse off so what am i complaining about.Nothing really, moping around serves little purpose so i got up this morning and dusted myself off and set me head in the "held High" position and have decided to make the best of a bad situation... besides..its day 5 of 5 today so as of 9am tomorrow morning (Thursday) MG is at home until Sunday pm. Thats enough to put a spring in my step as i am sure we will have some quality time together during these next few days that will keep us going for a while (is hoping anyway).Does strength of character make the struggle to remain within the bounds of my submission harder or easier, sure it would be easy to give up and just get on with what life dishes out and forget the M/s that is such a major part of our lives, revert to the nilla life that doesn't take into consideration any of the other more deep aspects of how we have chosen to live. Thats not for me however, i don't want to live like that as a general rule preferring the regime which we have in place at present, even if on some days it gets put on the back burner. The mindset never leaves, i am and always will be slave to MG.. if there are days when he doesn't require that of me or if he hasn't got the need for that, rather to relax in a more informal atmosphere.. that could also be considered as M/s as that would be his choice and i as his slave would adhere to that as a need of my Master being fulfilled... whooo nice twist there slave and one that has only just occurred to me...Wow.. a flash of inspiration and at this time of night too.... i do wonder where it came from...but i shall think more on that anyway.
Should i even complain at all if MG doesn't have a Dom head on... He is Master after all and who am i to say that i am going without when what should be my first priority is what MG wants and needs. As his slave that is surely my first priority, to see that he is comfortable as best as i can, to do what is needed or at less try to do what i can to make his life more comfortable and rewarding. Moaning to him about what i feel i might be missing isn't very sub really.... I have some thinking to do, i think...!!!

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Its easy to just carry on and pretend that nothing changes or that things are always the same, that outside forces have little or no bearing on our every day lives, but it would be wrong to lead people to believe that when it is not how things are right now.
MG and i are going through a rough patch within our M/s at present, not in our love for one another, not in our family life in general, but within the realms of M/s, we are lacking or have misplaced something ... no i lie, not something.. what we are lacking is time... time to be who we are, time to be together, time to focus on the Master and slave, us.
Life is weighing heavily right now to the point where we are just about keeping our heads above all the influences that we have to consider before anything else. The demands being made on us are so intense that we have very little time to even think about M/s let alone do anything about it.
It is not out fault that this has happened, as much as we would like it to be otherwise, it is out of our control and there is little we can do about it for the time being.MG's job dictates certain aspects of our lives, his need to sleep and recoup from the stress and strain of a job that is thankless at best, down right pain in the rear at worst, but its a job and as much as he would like to tell the man he works for to "stuff it", he isn't the sort to walk away without first having something else to go too... so until that happens..we are stuck, good and proper in a never ending cycle of work and sleep and eat and work... that's the real problem...no time.

No time for the family, no time for us , no time to be together, just work and work and more work and the strain is beginning to tell on us both. Little snaps at each other, quiet pauses that say all but nothing.And where in all this is the M/s, well i am willing to admit that right now..its way down the list of priorities, even on days off, MG is to knackered to find the right Dom head that sets his frame of mind, its not something that you can force out, its a natural occurrence, its either there or its not and right now, its not. And if MG is not in the Dominant frame of mind, what can or do i submit too... and to be honest, we have far more pressing matters to think about in what little free time we do get to have to put some aside for the "personal moments"Our love will stand firm through this time, i don't doubt that but what with so many pressures we do get the odd cross word which is unusual for us but hey, no ones perfect...In time, i am sure things will turn around, but for now,we are both resigned to how it is right now but we will wait for it to come about, but until it does, it is really a matter of surviving this and being strong together, as the team we are, being there for one another, holding tightly to what we know is buried under all those outside influences that makes up the whole way of life.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

We were all given two ears and one mouth, there must have been a reason for that, and from where i stand i think it was so that we might listen twice as hard as we speak. If its all about what comes out of our mouths and not what others are saying to us, if all we are concerned with is what we want and take no account of what others have to say, resentment builds, the person who isn’t heard, bottles that up, holds it inside and as each little bit is added on top, inside us all ill feeling builds and eventually, it will explode. Talking and listening is one of the most basic human skills however, having done both unless all are prepared to take on board and accommodate what they have heard, take into account the thoughts and feelings of the other rather than saying, "ok, you have had your say, now we do it my way regardless"… tantamount to selfish on the part of the one who doesn’t listen and hear. The bottom line is that if a relationship is ever going to work, D/s or otherwise, there has to be a flow of information, of opinions, Dom/me doesn’t mean its my way or else. Dom/me means care and concern for the well being and happiness of the sub at the fore of anything the Dom/me might do or say. In the best interest of… is the only way and if that isn’t the main focus of a Dom/mes attitude there is no way the relationship will ever amount to anything other that a one sided take/take situation. If it lasts that long.

Real life considerations must come first; the state of mind, the overall health and happiness of those involved must be the first priority even before D/s is considered. The well being of your partner should be the very first consideration. Making sure that these are balanced within your relationship has to be sorted before you go anywhere near any other attributes because without a solid real life, dare I say it, vanilla base, things get lost within the D/s structure and that’s when the relationship goes wrong. There are always loads of outside forces pushing anyone into doing things that they really don’t want to do, however, as we all know, subs do submit its what they are about really, to give up their needs for those of the Dom/me, they will more than likely bow to the Dom/em’s wishes even to their own detriment. Again, if this occurs, resentment builds and that in itself is not a good position for the Dom/me or the sub to be in, it breaks trust, it foils contentment, it hinders growth because the sub becomes the doormat of the Dom/me. How many times has it been said that subs are not doormats and yet still we see the Dom/me who exerts authority/control over the sub for their own selfish motives.

Given 100% of self, time, energy, focus to the other has to be one of the most important aspects of any relationship, not just D/s, trying to divide yourself between 6 different things at the same time means you have to divide what you have to offer, six ways, that can only lead to a diminished given to all six, none getting the whole of you at any given time. Again, some might be ok with that for a little while, choosing to feel that a little of the whole is better than none at all, sharing the person who is the main focus of their life with others because some is better than none. But if we are all honest, it would be better to not divide ourselves but to give all of what we are, no one can tell me that it can work unless we give of ourselves 100% to the one who holds our heart close the theirs. Thinking only of self in any relationship isn’t a relationship at all, a take/take situation, a because I can attitude might work for a short while but eventually, as human beings, we will being to resent that, begin to feel we are not heard, or that our opinions are not valued, or that we are not worth the whole attention of our partner, that they need more than we can offer, so have to has more as a fall back, a fail safe and all that does in the end is undermine us more and more, we may just stop giving or withdraw into our shells to protect us from the pain of being passed over all the time. More than one is too much if the one is, as they should be, the main focus, the love, the life long partner that we all seek.

Playing with peoples emotions, however slim that game may be, however much one may say they are not playing or that what they are doing is in the best interest of or even that they don’t realize that that is what they are in fact doing anyway serves only to destroy what little love there might have been in the relationship in the beginning, to have someone bow to you and your demands on then, because they love you and fear that by making their thoughts known might destroy what is returned to them isn’t D/s, it isn’t even vanilla, its selfish and people with that attitude don’t deserve someone to love them.
Two ears and one mouth, listen to yourself, listen to others, talk, communicate, take the time to find out what and where, how and with whom, if you value the one you love, show then… it doesn’t cost that much to listen.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

And no, i am not a religious person particularly, my faith is my own and that's all there is too it however, i had a thought this evening about Adam and Eve and what they must have done in that garden all that time ago to have pissed God off so much that he could sit up there in his comfort zone and watch millions suffer constantly for the sins of a few.
The minute Adam and Eve ate of the fruit from the tree of life, we were all damned and have been damned every since, yet still each day we rise from our beds and follow the path of our lives and hope that we make it to the end without too many mishaps or major problems.
We could, of course, not bother, we could just sit and fester and wrap ourselves in cotton wool and not take a single risk or put a foot wrong and maybe, nothing would ever happen to disturb the safe haven we call life, but what value is there in that, sitting in a chair all day afraid to do anything in case something bad befall us.
i think i would prefer to take the risk and enjoy my time on this planet, its not that long after all and there are some really great bits about it if you just find the right buttons to push in the right order, not get to greedy, give a little, take a little and have an honest and true heart.
We reap what we sow or so the saying goes, what goes around, comes around... of course, there will be times when each might wonder what they have done to deserve some incident or another that happens to their lives and i am no different but i can honestly say without fear of contradiction that almost everything that has ever happened to me, good or bad, has always had a beginning and an end and i can look at each one and know that they all had a purpose and if bad, that something good eventually came out of that.
i have sat with my head in my hands and cried over something that has had a major affect on my life and said, as i am sure many of us have "Why me", but as said, i have yet to not see an end result of that "Why me" that hasn't been of some benefit to me.
The selfish acts of a few that place unnecessary risk on many and i refer to this evenings rail disaster in which many have died because of the act of one person who wished to end their own existence really pee's me off, if they value their lives so little that is their choice but to put others in the face of death is unforgivable in my estimation and i can find no justification in that act. i am told that when one gets to the point of suicide you don't think of anyone else or the consequences of your actions and of course you are not going to be around to have to pick up the pieces of devastation that you might have left in your wake. Even if you don't take anyone with you, there is still going to be those close to you left behind and i cannot see how anyone could do that knowingly..to another person... there are those who fight for life, children sick from birth, adults who fight a never ending battle with disease or other physical impairment who would give anything to have a healthy body they could stand up in and yet we see so many throw away the creation of life. Its never going to be perfect, there will always be the bad bits to contend with, but there are also some good one out there and even if god decided that the world should end tomorrow, i for one can say, hand on heart that what i have had of life so far, has, in the main, been ok, like everyone else, i have had shite times as well as good one, but as someone pointed out in the room this evening, you have to follow your nose .. and look forward. ..Don't keep you head in the past.. you wont get anywhere..and if you can do that, if you can look to the light and brighter side, it isn't such a bad place to be you know..!!!Apples, who needs them anyway and as for snakes...ekkk...if i saw one i'd run a mile, i certainly wouldn't have a conversation with it and let it convince me to eat the flipping apple and then not take the blame at least.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

It seems that its all to easy to lose sight of what is and what isn't really important in the greater scheme of things, so easy to get wrapped up in the melee of day to day life and forget what is really there and run with that rather than try to build something that you either do not have the resources to complete or that if you are honest about it, you really don't need to make you happy.We can all dream about our ultimate wishes in certain aspects of our lives and maybe every now and then, achieve the desired effect, but there will also be other times when that is not possible and it is at these times that we should all think about what it is that we really need.For me right now, my greatest desire is to have more time with MG, but as that isn't going to be possible for the foreseeable future, my next best wish is to be able to use the time we do have to the greatest benefit of us all. That might mean that sometimes we cannot always have what we want, when we want it, or that instead of trying to create this magical world of dreams, we put our energies into something that is achievable and that we all get something from.What am I talking about you might ask....Well, i am slave to MG, He is Master, but we are also a couple with kids and bills and all the nilla stuff that comes with an average life. Once MG gets home after a heavy 5 night shift, the obvious thing for us to do would be to quickly slip into the M/s role and pick up where we left off the last time we had a few days together, however, is that in the best interest of either MG or me or the kids even. Sometimes, what we really need is just time together, being us, being a couple, being parents and even tho we both want and need the M/s in our lives, we also want the family time, the ordinary time, the relaxed, lets just be together time.Is that so wrong, should the M/s take precident over everything else, i don't think so, it has to be balanced, however, as has been said before, M/s is a mindset and even if i am not collared or cuffed, whipped or spanked for a few days over an off shift, does that make me any less slave or MG any less Master, i don't think so, it makes us realists, it makes us practical, it makes us parents, lovers, companions, a couple who have a need just to be a couple, very much in love who just want to be together. If of course an opportunity arises for us to openly express our M/s, you can be sure we will take that, but it isn't the be all and end all of who we are, it is integral, it is the foundations of our life together, but it isn't the only part of who we are.We can switch from one aspect to the next , we can be heavily into a scene one evening while the kids are staying overnight at their dads, to the next day when we are Mr & Mrs Average with 2.4 kids (well only 2 really, not sure how you get . 4 of a child), we have even switched from one to the other in a matter of an hour , when we know the children will return shortly, that doesn't diminish either role or the sentiment behind it, it just means we are flexible and that we are making the most of what little time we do have to be together.At the risk to health and well being particularly of MG as he is the one who gets the most tired over the 5 days he has to work, should we insist that he sets himself into the Dominant role and take charge of things the minute he return, without giving him time to come down or to recoup some of his lost sleep or would it be better, for all concerned that he takes time to get back to being himself and is allowed to relax for a little while. As much as i might want the Master in him to drag me off into our cave and make mad passionate love, be instructed to serve him and tend to him in a submissive manner, kneel before him and have him do and say the things that reinforce our Master and slave roles, if he doesn't have the right head on, if the Dominant force within him just hasn't got the energy to come out, not because it isn't there but because to bring it to the front will mean he has to exert more energy that he just hasn't got at that time, if these things are forced into play, then they are just that, forced, unnatural and will therefore not be a true reflection of who we really are and as such, there really is no point in going down that road.i would rather wait until MG is ready or that the Dominant in him comes to the front naturally and without any pressure to do the things that are "expected" of him as Master. If we wait until the time is right, using more of the few precious free hours we have to give him back some of what he has lost what we will see at the end of that is far more than we would ever get if we rush in and only get a glimmer of his full Dominant potential.We don't want half of him or me in this lifestyle, we don't want to feel we have to "perform" to some set standard or code of conduct that says we should do A, B and C and in that order. What we really want is for our M/s to integrate within our every day lives as a natural extension to who we are and as such, we have to let it happen rather than forcing it. In this case, it isn't "All or Nothing"it is a little bit of, here and there , when the time is right, when the energy flows, when it happens as a natural part of who we are and not forced out because some book say it should be this way or that.Just wish there were more hours in the day.. but there isn't so we make use of what we have, when we have it and we get there in the end.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

i have, this week been called prejudice which really astonished me when it was first mentioned to me. ME.. Prejudice...never, not in a million years, not against any minority/majority or social group, race, creed or colour, in fact i am rather proud of the fact that i am totally non prejudice and will fight for the right of any man or woman to live their lives the way they wish too. Each to their own, what floats your boat is fine by me, it may well not float mine but sheshh..if we were all the same, life would be pretty boring to say the least.Anyway.. to continue on this theme, why should anyone think this of me you might ask and not hesitate in pointing it out in no uncertain terms. Well because i express a dislike for a certain person who "happens" to be disabled... Now let me point out here that the disability isn't what i dislike about this person, its the person themselves that i am not that happy to associate with, nothing to do with the sex of, social standing, religion etc... of them, nothing to do with who they are or where, what etc they come from, nor has it anything to do with the wheelchair that accompanies this person 24/7, nope, its to do with the person behind all that other stuff.When i think more about this situation, i begin to see that i have always treated this person in exactly the same manner as i would anyone else, there has never been any "Special" treatment because of their disability, they stand or fall on who they are and how they behave in general so the way i look at it is that far from being prejudice against them i am in fact treating them in exactly the same way as i would treat them if they were able bodied. The fact that i don't like them has nothing to do with the disability..only with the person they are.Prejudice amongst the circles i move in is an established fact, those within the lifestyle are constantly being called out because of the choices in the way they wish to live their lives. Last night i was having a long conversation with a TS* who has recently come out only to be hounded and ridiculed by family and friends alike, why, because she is different to the norm. Not because of the choices she has made to the way she wishes to live her life but mainly because she does not fit the mould or the standard by which the majority of people view her. The same can be said for male submissives, they do not, according to society in general, conform to the socially acceptable standard therefore they must be queer or kinky or just down right perverts. i mean.. a man, submitting to a female... or wanting to dress or look like a female... what does that say about him..that he is weak ? or that he isn't man enough ? Not at all, in fact it is said that a submissive has to be a very strong person to be able to give over themselves to another willingly and that to have the focus to maintain that over a period of time takes a lot of courage, strength and effort and many who live the life of M/s have to have a very strong will to be able to do that..where then does the attitude that these people are weak and of no strength of character come from other than the bigoted attitude of those who quite frankly, only think this through lack of insight, knowledge and closemindedness or the reluctance to learn about something they know nothing about, rather taking the easy line of putting everything they do not understand down as something to be viewed with disgust and disdain.There are so many variations to this prejudice that being disabled doesn't even come into the list of the 10 most popular aspects to be bigoted about therefore, when i am accused of such i am shocked to even think that another lifestyler could even go there. i have many many friends who have some kink or another that is "socially unacceptable" in some form to the general population and if i had any prejudice in me it would be against those who have no way of opening their minds and viewing the world with some sense of reality rather than peeping out from behind their crisp white net curtains and making sweeping statements about something they has absolutely no knowledge about and seem to have no desire to even begin to find out rather, just continue in their little closed comfort zone and sod the rest of us.Thats fine, if that's how they wish to live, again, i have no prejudice against those people, floating their own boats, i just wish they wouldn't impart their prejudices on me or anyone else who does not fit the mould of what is seen to be "acceptable" in this day and age.

* Transexual (TS): A person who feels a consistent and overwhelming desire to fulfill their lives as members of the opposite gender. Most transsexuals actively desire and physically make the transition including Sexual Reassignment Surgery (MTF - male to female - FTM - female to male).

Transgender (TG): A term used to include transsexuals, transvestites, and crossdressers. It can also represent a person who, like a transsexual, transitions, sometimes with the help of hormone therapy and/or cosmetic surgery to live in the gender role of choice, but has not undergone, and generally does not intend to undergo SRS.

Monday, November 01, 2004

The clocks changes yesterday, taking an hour out of my day but adding one hour to MG's. He tells me, come spring, he will get it back but that doesn't help or make a 13 hour shift any less for him this week. Whoever it is who decides at what point the actual hour changes, has no regard for those poor people who have to work a night shift and on a Sunday at that.
The consequences of that one hour are that MG is even more tired and gets less sleep than he normally does, which at the best of times is far from adequate, so today he is running on empty yet again and still has tonight and tomorrow night to go before he gets a break again. He is attempting to alter his shift pattern a little to ease the stress on him a bit and also to give us more time together, not just for He and i but also for the girls who at present , rarely see him at all some weeks as the times they are around he is either at work, just leaving, just coming home as they are going to school or is asleep. Not the ideal way to run family life but as i have said so many times before, at present we have little choice, so we make do the best we can.
Time has never been that great for us, we always seem to be playing "catch up" from one week to the next so try our best to make full use of what is available to us, even to the point of trying to see to it that on the rare occasions that MG is at home, even one night in every few week, that we are alone so that we can at least have the freedom to get into our M/s a little bit.
Having made the commitment not to "play" while the children are here, we have to make the best use of any times that might be available for us to do that. And as luck would have it, this week, MG will be home on Friday evening and both the girls will be at their fathers for the weekend so, with any luck, unexpected circumstances prevailing, we might (fingers crossed) get to experience some real M/s activities this weekend.
It has been a while and i am sure that any M/s couple that have children will appreciate it when i say that these times are rare and we count ourselves lucky that the girls do go to their fathers on some evenings when both MG and i are in the same place at the same time, affording us this rare opportunity.

Anticipation of the forthcoming evening will begin to build come about Wednesday and we will make a point of increasing that with little triggers that spark each of us. Anticipation is a wonderful thing as it grows as time passes and by the time the actual evening arrives we should both be on a high before the evening starts adding to the atmosphere and allowing us to get some depth (we hope) into our play.
That is of course, unless something comes up, something changes our plans or one of the girls goes sick or or or or or................. Be quiet woman...Don't tempt fate !!!!

blue blooded blogger

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i do not want !!

"i do not want to be the leader. i refuse to be the leader. i want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. i want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. i don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman i want to be dominated. i don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that i am capable of doing, but i am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding. "