Defiant Child - Part 1

Guest

ok- as i have been re-reading Dr.Riley's book, The Defiant Child, i have been outlining it to share with my parent group.
here is the first section. i hope Dr. R
won't mind.
I love the definition for structure. since it's almost impossible to have 'structure' at home,(set times and routines) his definition makes it possible for me to achieve. hope this is insightful.
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PART 1:
THE DEFIANT CHILD
Dr. D. Riley
THIS IS THE KEY TO UNDERSTANDING THE OPPOSITIONAL CHILD:
1. In general, oppositional children have a drive to defeat adults that seems absurd in proportion. "They are as relentless as gravity in their pursuit of proving adults wrong, stupid or both.
2. the following "rules" should help you realize that, as with any system of irrational or disturbed thinking, the person acting is not aware that he is coming to irrational conclusions or behaving in an irrational manner.
3. *****One additional theme : The dominant thought of the oppositional child revolves around defeating anyone's attempt to exercise authority over him.

*Most teenagers will follow fit of these rules, but ODD kids push them to the limit.*
RULE 1 : ODD CHILDREN LIVE IN A FANTASY LAND IN WHICH THEY ARE ABLE TO DEFEAT ALL AUTHORITY FIGURES.
~they will engage in adversarial conversation with anyone
RULE 2: ODD CHILDREN ARE OPTIMISTIC
~they believe every situation is a win-lose situation and they try to win
RULE 3: ODD CHILDREN FAIL TO LEARN FROM EXPERIENCE.
RULE 4: YOU MUST BE FAIR TO ME NO MATTER HOW I TREAT YOU
~fuels our feelings that we are being taken advantage of
RULE 5: ODD CHILDREN SEEK REVENGE WHEN ANGERED
RULE 6: ODD CHILDREN NEED TO FEEL TOUGH
~this may only refer to the extremely violent kids.
RULE 7: ODD CHILDREN BELIEVE THAT IF THEY IGNORE YOU LONG ENOUGH, YOU'LL
RUN OUT OF MOVES
~if you use reason and logic to reason with them and they ignore you, they think you will run out of information and leave them alone.
~sometimes you must act illogically to get their attention.
RULE 8: ODD KIDS BELIEVE THEMSELVES TO BE EQUAL TO THEIR PARENTS
~most teenagers do this to some extent, the ODD child takes it to extremes.
RULE 9: ODD KIDS FROM MIDDLE-CLASS HOMES EMULATE THE BEHAVIOR OF THEIR LEAST - SUCCESSFUL PEERS
~it's nomral for teens to reject their parents values, the Odd child sees those kids without parents hovering over them, without curfews, no rules and thinks it's what they want
~he thinks that is a much better deal and will continue to try and get rid of his rules
~unaware that that life style labels him as stupid and a loser.
RULE 10: ODD KIDS ATTEMPT TO ANSWER MOST QUESTIONS WITH "I DON'T KNOW."
~answering that way sends subtle messages instead of sticking up their middle finger
~ODD kids seem unable to think unless they are arguing
~ODD kids do not like to be made to think by adults
RULE 11: OPPOSITIONAL LOGIC REVOLVES AROUND DENIAL OF RESPONSIBILITY.
~ODD kids are constantly seeking to find the edge that allows them to do what they want, regardless of what their parents might expect or demand.
***You should expect them to be inventive in their logic, optimistic and brave. ***

STRUCTURE is the atmosphere of expectations in the home created by the parents. It is all of the things involved in raising a child to be healthy, productive person. It is composed of rules, laws, rewards, punishments, love, guidance, sense of safety and security. Structure is what makes us feel safe and contained.
~if the child is able to make wise choices the STRUCTURE can be quite flexible
~if the child begins to make unwise choices the STRUCTURE needs to be tighten and more restricted
~parents must have a set of family rules with consequences
PARENTAL RELATIONSHIP & INFORMATION
~you must work together.
~get counseling if you are at odds
~ divorced work together
~it takes 2 high-functioning adults to gang up on an oppositional child.
~you must control your violent tendancies-get counseling if adult has problems
NECESSARY IDEAS:
1. children have personalities and oppositional personality traits are sometimes just part of who the child is.
2. a child comes into this world with certain traits and these interact with and become modified by the environment.
3. IT IS A WASTE OF TIME TO SIT AND WONDER WHERE PARENTS WENT WRONG. instead, inspect the family structure and fix what needs fixing. then make new demands on the ODD child to change his behavior.
4. I'M THE PARENT YOU'RE THE CHILD:
~it is crucial that parents take the attitude that they are in control (fake it till you make it)
~for the most part the ODD kid's power is limited to their ability to bug, irritate, make angry, and disappoint
~parents have a legal power, but they forget that and when they lower their standard to that of the child and this makes parenting the ODD more difficult.
~do not cave in
~do not allow yourself to be sucked in to a yelling match
&gt;&gt;remain calm and repeat your decision for as long as it takes YOU WILL
ONLY BE DEFEATED WHEN YOU LEAVE YOUR PARENTAL ROLE AND ARGUE LIKE AN ODD CHILD!