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Sunday, September 18, 2005

Why the Emmys Hurt My Soul and Devra and Emma Do Not Love Raymond or Boston Legal.

Originally, this post was called Liveblogging the Emmys, and I attempted to insert various updates about the sweaty actors behind Sean Hayes and Mariska sightings. Unfortunately, Devra called me and I got distracted, so the liveblogging really turned to shit around 8:32. Now, some will say that I have no journalistic integrity for deleting the previous content. However, I say the highest form of journalistic integrity involves replacing crap with respectable blogness, so you can get your mammaries nipped by a mongoose for all I care. Yeah, that's the one.

I LOVE awards shows, at least the ones that mean something in the basest of pop culture terminology. This means that I covet the Academy Awards like my unborn fetus, and that I metaphorically piss on the Soul Train Shitfest. The Emmys are amazing because sometimes they recognize that Law and Order: SVU has the most talented Hungarian actress in the history of all things, the Golden Globes make me swoon because it puts my favorite actors from tv and the movies in one room with a ton of alcohol, and the Academy Awards rock because the Academy and I both believe that critically acclaimed dramas are the bombdiggity. To recap, that's:andand

Incidentally, if you type in critically acclaimed dramas on Yahoo Image Search, the first picture is Mark Paul Gosselar. Which killed me. Anyway.

If you go on the Yahoo homepage, their Emmy headline is "Television's Best Honored at Emmy Awards." No. No they were NOT. I had so many beefs with this fucking thing, I don't even know where to start. Everybody DOES NOT love Raymond. I'm sorry, that show is horrible and unfunny. It should be a British comedy. I have seen two episodes of this colossal crap, and I have seen my mother paint the garage. The latter was infinitely more amusing, although part of that was because someone spraypainted Wutang on the side of it and my dad thought it was a gang symbol and almost killed someone at the mall who had a Wutang shirt on because he thought they were part of the gang that defaced our garage. Heh. See? So much funnier than Ray Romano. Except 30 million people apparently disagree with me. Wait, I'm going to ask some people online why they like this fecal matter.These are the fruits of my labor:MyDadIsAWeenie: do you like everybody loves raymondQuietAmerican283: no

MyDadIsAWeenie: do you like everybody loves raymondWeHateAllMovment: what little I've seen of it is insanely corny

MyDadIsAWeenie: do you like everybody loves raymondLady kim1: no

MyDadIsAWeenie: do you like everybody loves raymondnjw4: not really

MyDadIsAWeenie: do you like everybody loves raymondNicole7652: ehhhhhhhh

I didn't even bother asking Devra, since I was on the phone with her when they won Best Comedy, and I heard firsthand the string of expletives coming out of her mouth.Which brings us to the next point: none of my friends like this show. I don't know anyone that likes this show. And yet... Just when I was convinced that there was a massive conspiracy underfoot to relegate the funny shows I like to the trash heap, I decided to ask my Arch-Nemesis, Looby, her opinions on the show. I was rewarded like the wolf.

MyDadIsAWeenie: do you like everybody loves raymondStarlight 1162: yeah

Now, I'm still not sure what this means, but if Looby likes it, that means that other people that are anti-Emma probably love this show too, and that could conceivably number in the millions. The mystery is solved.

Back to why I hate the Emmys.It starts off with this ridiculous Earth, Wind and Fire song that makes no sense whatsoever, and then they got someone even WORSE than them to finish it off: the Black Eyed Peas. Now, if the Peas had done 'Hey Mama' or something kickass like that, I would have been mollified. However, they just continued with the improvisational shit that no one in the audience, much less me, understood. Then Ellen comes on. Now, I heart Ellen, she's totally badass. She rocked in "Finding Nemo" and "EdTV." But she stumbled out of the gate on this one, and almost lost it about two minutes in. It was roughness defined. She did come back towards the end, but not before I had winced six times. I counted.Then she did a whole bunch of weird things that make no sense. When they would come back from commercial, she would be wandering around with fake parrots and shit. It reminded me of when I was the school mascot during a basketball game and for halftime, I rolled across the gym. It creeped everyone out, amused the one friend that dared me to do it, and ended my tenure as the mascot. It was a bit like that, except Ellen can't hide behind a terrier costume.So the awards themselves left much to be desired. They had this dumb thing called Emmy Idol where they got celebrities to dress up and sing a "loved" tv theme song. I think it was loved, but it was definitely supposed to be good, which none of them were. Fame was the only decent one in the bunch, but nobody hummed the theme to LA Law or sang Mr. Ed. That would have fucking made it for me. The fucking American public picked Green Acres, I suspect because they were treated to the novelty of watching Donald Trump in overalls cover it, but I come from the old school of tv theme song afficionados, and that's not how we roll. William Shatner was amazing in that want-to-stuff-my-head-in-my-pants-and-inhale-deeply way. Ew. Neither Mariska Hargitay or Hugh Laurie won, which makes little to no sense. They were far and away the best in their categories, and yet fucking Patricia Arquette and James Spader won. The Medium fucking sucks my ass, and Boston Legal wishes it was Ally McBeal. When is Mariska going to get her recognition? This is getting out of hand. Hugh Laurie is a matryr in my eyes. Of...amazing performances that went unheralded. So he's basically on top of a pillar with Winona Ryder in the six movies she should have been given an Academy Award for. I give up.Just so you don't think I'm totally cynical, I enjoyed bits and pieces. I liked watching Tom Brokaw, he is the classiest of all things. I loved watching Ben Affleck stare into space, Charlize Theron jump up like a battery-powered Pound Puppy anytime someone mentioned The Life and Death of Peter Sellers, and the speeches by S. Epatha and Felicity Huffman. I heart people who clearly didn't think they were going to win, and didn't come off as cunty cuntsacks on stage. Way to be. I'm probably missing something key. Ummmm. Oh, I went out to get more water and missed Mariska presenting aka the one time she was on stage. That sucked. And they didn't hire Kathy Griffin for the red carpet, a grievous error.