John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

The death of someone important to you creates a large pool of emotion; and when you add a second major death, the emotional equation goes up exponentially. (Published 12/10/13)

Q:

Came home from Denver to care-give for both parents in 2010. Dad died last year of Alzhiemer's in a rest home. I took care of Mom, who had many health issues, until she died last week. I have no regrets giving up my life in Denver to come home for two years. Mom died last week at Mayo Clinic of an diverticuli abscess the doctors missed. They tried to save her at Mayo but couldn't. I'm so heartbroken, sad, angry at what happened. She didn't need to die and I want to sue the Wisconsin doctors for their screw-up. Her death hasn't really hit me yet. Still trying to get over Dad's death. To lose both parents in one year is hard, and yet now I face going back to start my life and future again and I am so afraid and scared after care-giving for two years with my life on hold. What can I do to help myself with discerning all this? A trip to Disneyland? A cruise? I don't want to make a rash decision, but need time. House needs to be sold, etc.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear James,

Thanks for your your total honesty and your questions.

The image we use in your situation is that of someone struggling in the ocean after the death of someone important to them, and just as they get their head up to breathe, another death brings a giant wave that pushes them under again.

Also, to have your mom’s death be so avoidable that it causes all kinds of feelings that interfere with your grief—adding the anger and focus on a possible law suit, etc.—it can make it seem almost impossible to start your life over again.

For what it’s worth, based on our 35 years of helping grievers, your reactions are very normal—not that that makes you feel any better, and not that we would ever compare you and your unique grief to anyone else.

But, Disneyland, cruise, etc., if you’re serious about doing those things, they won’t necessarily give you any long-term benefit because they won’t do anything to help you complete what was left emotionally unfinished for you in each of the relationships with your parents.

And since you are charged with making important decisions about selling the house, etc., we think the best guidance we can give you is to move you towards the actions of grief recovery. We believe that when your heart is broken your head doesn’t work right, and your spirit doesn’t soar. Rash and incorrect decisions are the inevitable by-product when people don’t deal effectively with their emotions. Nothing creates a larger pool of emotions than the death of someone important to you, and when you add a second major death, the emotional equation can go up exponentially.

So, go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and start taking the actions it outlines. As you become emotionally complete with each of your parents, you will find it easier to deal with all the practical things you have to do, and you will gain clarity that will help you do what you need to do to restart your life, career, etc.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

Came home from Denver to caregive for both parents in 2010. Dad died last year of Alzheimer’s in a rest home, and I took care of my Mom at home who had COPD and other issues until last week. I have no regrets giving up my life in Denver to come home for 2 years. Mom died last week at Mayo Clinic of an diverticuli abscess the doctors missed here in Wisconsin all summer. They tried to save her at Mayo. I am so heartbroken, sad, angry at what happened. She didn't need to die & and I want to sue the Wisconsin doctors for their screw-up. Her death hasn't really hit me yet. Still trying to get over Dad's death. To lose both parents in one year is hard, and yet now I face going back to start my life and future again and I am so afraid and scared after caregiving for 2 years with my life on hold. What can I do to help myself with discerning all this? A trip to Disneyland? A cruise? I don't want to make a rash decision, but need time. House needs to be sold, etc.