Lisa Mason in the Morning

LMN 1-2-14 Now I'll be writing "2013" on all my posts.

by Lisa Masonposted Jan 2 2014 9:07AM

If you know me in real life, don’t try to call. My phone is broken. Yes, this is the new phone that replaced the defective one. I’ve been without it since 7:15:59 last night and I’ve already learned that life is what happens when your cell phone doesn’t work. The display is trashed and it’s stuck on vibrate so I can't even call it to find it. Why did I ever set it to vibrate? If I liked it I would have put a ring on it.*

Colorado is now the first state in the nation where retail marijuana can be legally sold. Residents with Colorado ID can buy up to an ounce of weed at a time. Those with an out-of-state ID can buy up to one-quarter, so if you want to open a fake ID shop in Denver NOW is pretty much the time to do so. As you’d expect, Colorado residents made their first purchases with quiet dignity and grace. Not really, it looked like day 2 of Burning Man.

If Auburn scores a victory over Florida State in Pasadena, fans best leave the toilet paper at home. Rose Bowl Stadium officials Tweeted that fans attempting to roll the palm trees outside the stadium would get a free trip to jail. The Tweet was in response to an inquiry made by @AUFAMILY. Come ON. Tiger fans don’t just automatically roll every tree they see! It’s only a Toomer’s thing after a victory ... or if Bear Bryant dies … or if LSU beats Bama … or Lee County gets a new highway grant… or the test comes back negative …

Ariel Sharon is near death in critical condition. Wow, I didn’t know the Little Mermaid had a last name. I hope it’s not the freshwater ick.

Merry Sugar Bowl! Kickoff’s at 6:30 and Drunk Uncle Verne isn’t involved so that’s ONE headache we won’t have. Oklahoma head coach Bob Stoops says Alabama is the best team in the nation, because nothing instills courage in your players by talking about how the OTHER team is going to slaughter them. Hey! How do you make University of Oklahoma cookies? Put them in a Bowl and beat for 3 hours. Ba dum tsssss! You know the difference between a sand castle and Oklahoma? They both look good till the tide rolls in! Zow! I’m here all week!**

Bill de Blasio officially became the new Mayor of New York on New Year's Day when he was sworn into office by Bill Clinton. Nice choice, that. Because, if there's anybody who's good at keeping oaths, it's Bill Clinton.

MORE foorball news? Yeesh, you’d think it was that time of year or something. ESPN has signed Tim Tebow as a commentator to launch its new SEC network. I think it’s a great fit for Tim, even though he’ll have a longer drive to his CFL team once he gets cut.

Birmingham PD says Operation Crackdown was a success. 10 guns were seized, three of which had been stolen. No word if BPD plans to “lose” any accessories or holsters that were confiscated with the guns. Operation Crackdown is designed to keep denizens of Birmingham from impersonating the PLO circa 1967 and is a primary source of ammo restocking for the city.

Judging from all the empty seats at Shreveport's Advocare Bowl on Tuesday, maybe they should change the name to the "Nobody Cares Bowl."

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1939, Time Magazine named Adolf Hitler their "Man of the year." See, it doesn't always mean someone good.

On this date in 1974, President Nixon signed a bill into law that made the federal speed limit 55 mph hour ... among those without radar detectors.

Scandal-riddled evangelist Jim Bakker turns 75 today. Another day closer to meeting the actual president of the PTL club.

Phil Robertson is def back on Duck Dynasty even though a lot of people remain annoyed with his statement suggesting that homosexuality leads to bestiality. Meanwhile, the 2014 Tournament of Roses Parade made history Wednesday as a gay couple was married on a float mid-parade. Asked at what point the bestiality would start, Phil Robertson said, "Somewhere around East Colorado Blvd. and South Altadena."

A new poll shows that "whatever" was the most annoying word of 2013. That’s cray-cray. I’m totes whatevs about that poll.

Apparently, what happens in a dress in Vegas doesn't stay in a dress in Vegas. Britney Spears fell out of her outfit Saturday night while performing in Las Vegas, her backup dancers had to shove everything back in. Britney said she was trying to put 2013 behind her, but it just wouldn't fit in the dress. You have to admit that Britney is a real trooper for carrying on despite the wardrobe malfunction. She could have easily just left the stage and her singing would have continued. At least Britney's finally discovered underwear.

And … GET TO DA CHOPPAH! All 52 aboard that Russian ship stuck in Antarctic ice have been rescued by a Chinese helicopter. An hour later they’ll be rescued again. The ship was carrying climate scientists bent on proving that the sea ice was vanishing. “Sea ice” is another name for the substance that they’ve been trapped in since Christmas Eve. I love the smell of schadenfreude in the morning. The rescued scientists and crew are denying reports that they had to resort to cannibalism while trapped in the “inconvenient ice.” All 51 agree that the 50 people rescued by helicopter didn’t have so much as a bite of another person.