Let's Conquer Your Fear of Spiders

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I have auditions for my school musical in a week and a half. I've been in a lot of plays, but no musicals. What should I do to prepare for auditions?

If you want this role, you can’t just impress the casting director, and you can’t just amaze them either—you must inspire. Reach right into their heart, give it a squeeze, and make them weep at the beauty of your performance.

“How, Reid? How do I inspire them?”

Well, I’ve watched my share of inspirational, motivational, and tear-inducing movies, and there’s one’s key to inspiring: overcoming adversity. The more adversity you overcome, the more inspiration you generate! I suggest you therefore really lay it on thick; be the underdoggest you can be. Lose an arm, get some third degree burns, suffer a traumatic farming accident, become every minority, and hold you audition in the US south in 1961.

But the question remains: how bad do you want this part? If you truly want it, you need the greatest adversity any singer can have: be completely tone deaf. That’s right, you must somehow become my brother Chris. The guy can’t sing worth a dang. Also, he’s almost 29 and lives in Texas, which may also prove to be obstacles. But if you can do this, you won’t just get the part, you’ll more than likely have a movie made about you. Maybe Cuba Gooding Jr. would play the lead!

FROM: the_lol_chick

I'd like to know how to conqur my fear of spiders. I have such a severe phobia of them, I can't even so much as look at a picture of one without breaking out in goosebumps. But please son't tell me to face my fear and walk into a spider web or something. I tried that. Needless to say, it didn't work. Thanks!

Our fears are often embodiments of our own self-doubts and lack of control. I’ve heard it said that those afraid of heights aren’t really afraid of the height, they’re afraid of themselves—what if I jump off? What if I trip and fall? Thus, your fear of spiders isn’t really about spiders, it’s a fear of yourself. Maybe you’re afraid, that deep down, you are a spider. If you want to conquer your fears, you must conquer yourself, and conquer all your latent spider qualities. Prove once and for all you are not a spider!

How many webs do you make? How many legs do you have? How many eyes? Spiders have a ton, so to be safe, go ahead and reduce all these numbers by two. Did you like the latest Spiderman movie? That sounds like something a spider might do, just like how all bats like Batman, and all metalworkers like Ironman, and nobody cares about Daredevil. Do you know a pig named Wilbur? Would you describe him as “some pig” or “terrific” or “radiant”? Is your name Charlotte? These all need to change before you can convince yourself you’re not a spider, and be free of fear once and for all.

FROM: divergirl123

Reid, I recently got a new cat, and whenever I pet said new cat my old cat gets jealous and won't speak to me for a few days. My cats are my only friends, so it's very lonely when this happens. What can I do to make my cats not be jealous of each other?

First off, your cat talks to you!? If this is true, please relay a message for me: "Mittens, if you're out there, I miss you. Also: what's with that weird throw up sound you guys do? It's a little dramatic. Can you all tone it down?"

Anyway, you are going to have a hard time making your cats like one another. It might be impossible; you need to take another approach. Instead of fostering affection, try building another emotion, something far more adaptable and universal: hate. This may seem a little indirect, but it works! While liking and loving each other can bring people together, nothing quite unites persons (or cats) like hating the same thing. Find a common enemy for your cats. In my experience, animals hate nothing more than a vacuum cleaner, so spend more time vacuuming, heck, spend all of your time. The shared threat will bring your cats together, while at the same time keeping your house spotless. Everyone wins!

FROM: rainbowunillama

Reid, why do i have to have a cold over the long weekend? why couldnt it have been during the school week instead??

If you’re enterprising enough, you could turn this weekend cold easily into a weekday cold. Right now your immune system is weak—you’re susceptible to all of the germs. Take advantage of this and try licking more doorknobs than you would usually do. You’ll soon be enjoying whole months off of school as you grapple with the debilitating Hantavirus. Good luck!

That’s it for this week! If you have any questions that could use my expert opinion, please leave them in the comments, and I’ll answer them next week.

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About the Author

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.