Thursday, June 04, 2009

Death Races Tomb Us All...But Now David Carradine's Drive-In's On a Hi-Ya! Plane

Death Races Tomb Us All…But Now David Carradine's Drive-In’s On A Hi-Ya! Plane

by Don K. Barbecue

Just minutes ago I learned that David Carradine has died, and I’m thinking that, having met the man at some shows, I can say he lived and played on a hi-ya! plane than most. Plus the man had a sweet, funny side that showed through in real life. In reel life that side shone big on drive-in screens with Roger Corman car crash & burners like THUNDER AND LIGHTNING and CANNONBALL, and the same quality lit the darkness indoors with BOXCAR BERTHA or BOUND FOR GLORY. Up to the man’s fans whether he wouldn’t like those views …or Woody?

So, saddened reader, I invite you, should you desire, to join with me as I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Ready? Fine. Shall we begin? I’m …we’re… imagining Carradine now…no, he’s there! ... and he’s tall, rangy, riding over the war-wasted desert of some far-flung space and time, way up high on a celestial silver screen in hot flicks at the drive-in heaven. Wow, this is COOL. Dang, spoke too soon.What the dreck are those things supposed to “B”? Whoa, you call THOSE mutants? Why they wouldn’t scare some bikini’ed barbarian queen if they were dressed as spectors…

Hold on a sec, what’s that sound? Why, it’s funky future motorcycles putt puttzing across that heaven-high screen! Wait a minute! Now Carradine and Claudia Jennings are riding one of those clunkers, and it sounds like it’s on its last death sputt. And there’s my ole buddy Peter, who told me once, before he died to no doubt go party on with Oliver Reed, that Claudia one time made him the best spaghetti dinner he ever ate in his life, and he’s beckoning them on to meet him and probably telling them to go faster, pasta! Whoops, Pete’s gone, again. It’s back to Carradine and Claudia riding onward, here, there and, atta gal, Claudia’s biting at David’s rear, I SAID ear from behind now, and reaching around to his front and lower. Hey, this baby’s got dialogue. She’s saying … what?... something about finding a convenient bush? Uh oh. They’re pulling over, offscreen now, and I …we… hear their voices in unison repeat their lover litany: “Our union is strong.” (And here may we all open our eyes once more, knowing what we do now, that even as we once watched from down here, Claudia J. is yet again raising Caine.)