* Warning: This post is emotionally charged and contains multiple f-bombs (’cause you know, colic does that to you). Reading this will put you at risk of being highly offended …or highly enlightened. *

No, no, not THAT “c-word.” The OTHER one: Colic. Oh that damn, heart-wrenching, emotionally-charged, makes-my-palms-sweat “c-word.” I wrote about my personal adventures with colic while I was going through it with Kai. Now someone I know is going through it with her newborn and I’m finding that it’s making those heart-thudding emotions bubble up inside me again as she looks for answers. Because other than the advice I’m giving her, all the other advice she’s getting is the kind that made me want to scream when I was looking for answers and advice. And I’m sorry to say this to all those well-intentioned people who offer it up (truly, I know you’re lovely, wise people and I deeply apologize for the following) but the advice I HATE the most…no, no “hate” is not a strong enough word…let’s use LOATHE and DETEST, yes, that’s better. The advice I LOATHE and DETEST the most is the advice that says it’s the mother’s diet. Now before you close this window because I’ve offended you, let me concede to the fact that I know SOME colic causes are due to the sensitivity of a baby’s tummy. I, too, have heard the stories of how colic all but stops when the Mama gives up fucking gluten and fucking dairy (sorry for the f-words, I can’t help it. I told you this was emotionally charged for me and I just have to throw down some f-bombs to make myself feel better). But that wasn’t MY answer when I was going through colic. And yet every website I perused while desperately searching for a solution all pointed to the fact that it’s the Mama’s fault. Because isn’t that what we’re REALLY saying when we say it’s her diet? We’re really saying “Mama, it’s something YOU’RE doing that’s causing YOUR baby this discomfort. And if you’d JUST STOP doing it, then your baby will be better.”

Is it irrational that I feel this way? Maybe.

But you know what? I LOVE my fucking dairy! I LOVE my fucking gluten! I had an eating disorder when I was a teen-ager, I ate all the “right” food when I was a personal trainer including all that low-carb crap. I’m DONE depriving myself of ANYTHING. I’m DONE feeling GUILT about any kind of fucking food. When Kai was crying non-stop I knew it was for a reason and I knew he was telling me something…but I REFUSED to believe that his crying was a way of saying to me “Mama, I came all this way to tell you that you should really give up dairy.” To me, it just seemed ridiculous. Now, I admit that I DID give up fucking dairy and fucking gluten for a couple of days because I WAS that desperate to make the crying stop…but it didn’t change anything other than make me more cranky than I already was. Not only did I have a baby with colic but I had to give up my favorite fucking foods. (I’ve always said that bread and cheese are my power foods. I believe Kai knew that coming in.) The advice-givers told me I didn’t give up the food long enough to make any difference. Fuck you, food police. (Geesh, I’m so sorry. Taking a deep breath…)

The point I really want to make with this post…is that I’m VERY FRUSTRATED to see that the ONLY causes or solutions to colic that are offered up address the physical: “it’s gas, it’s food sensitivity, it’s reflux.” What if it’s NOT? What if it’s ENERGETIC or EMOTIONAL? Are you telling me babies can only cry because of PHYSICAL reasons? They’re just so little and new that the ONLY thing they have to cry about are their new bodies? Are we really STILL THAT SHORT-SIGHTED?

One of the reasons colic was so difficult for me was because there were no answers or advice out there that made sense to me. None of it resonated. None of it. And since I couldn’t find my answers “out there”, I did the only thing I could. I looked within. I asked my heart AND my baby for the reasons behind the crying. And in the stillness and the silence, I found my answers. The answers that made sense. The answers that resonated. And the answers that made the difference. And they had nothing to do with gas, food sensitivity or reflux…Kai’s colic had much bigger reasons. You may not believe the reasons if I told you but it doesn’t matter. When I found my own answers, I felt empowered. I got my family back. I stopped falling apart and instead came together WISER and STRONGER. When I found my own answers I had a game plan and I knew how to handle the constant screaming. Instead of feeling alienated by my crying baby, I felt more BONDED TO HIM THAN EVER. I felt such strong LOVE, AWE, GRATEFULNESS, and HONOR to be in this baby’s presence. If you’ve ever experienced colic, you know how powerful it is to be able to say that.

Are you wondering about the reasons of Kai’s colic and about the answers I found? That’s another post. (Sorry to be a tease, but it needs it’s own story. And one with a lot less f-bombs. They wouldn’t be YOUR answers anyway.) But I will tell you what I think colic is.

Colic is a tool. It’s perhaps the most powerful tool a baby has ~ to send us messages, to work through birth trauma, to transition into their bodies, to mourn (yes, I ABSOLUTELY believe that a newborn can mourn). Babies don’t cry for no reason and colic is a baby’s way of “shaking it off”. It’s HEALTHY and PRODUCTIVE. When a baby with colic cries, that baby is HEALING him or herself. I bet you won’t find that answer anywhere else. And if you do, send me the link/book/quote so I can energetically smother that person in hugs and kisses.

Here’s something else you can use. If your baby has colic, LET THAT BABY CRY! I don’t mean “crying it out” or leaving a baby on it’s own to deal with it. I mean, that after you’ve tried all the comforting, soothing, and shushing from all the other advice-givers and baby is still crying, hold that baby and tell her what a good job she is doing working it all out. Tell him he’s strong and brave and that he’s going to feel better soon. After a big bellow, offer up some kisses and a “That was a good one” cheer. OFFER YOUR BABY A SAFE SPACE TO CLEAR IT OUT and ALLOW it to happen! See how that changes everything ~ for YOU. And your partner, and your children AND your baby.

I believe there IS ALWAYS A REASON a baby is crying. Sometimes it may be physical. Sometimes it might be something else entirely. Acknowledging there is a reason doesn’t mean we have to KNOW the reason ~ and it doesn’t mean we have to FIX the reason. What if we just trusted babies more? What if we trusted that THEY know the reason, THEY know how to deal with it and THEY know how to heal it…by crying. And what if we let them trust US by giving them safe arms to work through it, a loving voice to cheer them on, and the gentle promise that they’ll feel better soon.

I admit that I don’t have all the answers when it comes to colic. But I do have AN answer. An answer I couldn’t find anywhere else when I was so desperately looking. And that answer is, colic is your baby’s way of healing and it should be allowed, honored and trusted. If you and your baby are dealing with colic, maybe that’s your answer. Or maybe your baby did come all this way to tell you to give up dairy. Only YOU know. Be silent, go inside, and see what resonates. Trust yourself, trust your baby, and trust that you’ll all come out more WHOLLY beautiful on the other side. ♥

P.S. No matter what, going through colic is not easy. Please be sure to take care of yourself. My way of taking care of myself was to go for a run every other day. It was my way of “shaking it off.” As I told my hubby back then, “I either yell, cry, or go run.” Needless to say, he was very supportive of my running. My runs provided me the energy, endorphins, and endurance I needed to deal with a baby who cried all. day. long.

P.P.S. I’m also going to give you permission to ignore the advice that says colic last for 3 months. When you’re in the thick of it, it is NOT comforting to know that it will be over seven fucking weeks from now. I gave myself permission to ignore that “fact” and my baby Kai’s colic stopped after 19 days. He did cry all. day. long. so I believe he was “fast-tracking it” and perhaps got 3 months worth of crying done in 19 days. Who knows why it didn’t last that long, but I like to believe it’s because I offered a safe place of ALLOWING. Give it a try and get back to me.

P.P.P.S. If you are going through colic, I need to give you some great big hugs and lots of love. I know how difficult it is and I also know what a FANTASTIC mother you are. You are a BEAUTIFUL mother and your baby thinks so too.

This is so lovely Kate – I agree that getting through and beyond colic is ALL ABOUT ATTITUDE. Moms drive themselves crazy, understandably, because they think their baby is in pain (or something else – I can’t even list all of the crazy reasons moms have come up with for why their baby might be crying. I think “perceived injustice” is my fave though), and babies pick up on that energy.

I usually go through a basic list of possibilities, and if it’s not one of them (and it’s RARELY “gas” though that seems to be everyone’s go-to), then I call it “existential ennui” and we move through it. Much better than driving yourself nuts! Love you

nak…sorry.http://www.purplecrying.info/ was a great site when my baby was colicky. it portrays the colicky phase as developmental, not diet-related. reading it helped me not lose my mind! helped me to let go. and when it ended, i was so happy to have my happy, fun baby back. her 3 sisters were relieved, also LOL.

LOVE this post Kate and I agree! Blaming it on the mommas diet is blaming it on the momma. When we have a new baby we are already tired, overwhelmed, emotional and doing our gosh darn best. To tell us that something is OUR fault after we just created this beautiful new human being and are doing our best to care for him/her is ridiculous.

Thank you for putting this out there – I know it will help a lot of people, and in 24 hours is already has.

I freaking love you. So wise and real and funny. As I mentioned in the past, my first daughter cried powerfully for nearly a year. At four, she still swings to the sulky more often than is comfortable for most, but she also comes with a deep sensitivity that I think is amazing, intuittive and imaginative- probably the very reasons she cried so intensely as a baby. Here’s to our tender -hearted babes, and the mothers who will come out stronger (even if it doesn’t seem like t now) at the end of it all. And for me- ill share that here were some deeP deep feelings of GUILT – I was shellshocked and angry that after waiting 38 years to have a baby, mine was not cuddly and cooing and that anger embarrassed me. It did finally fade, and my second “surprise” ( there are no accidents) baby came in to help teach us all a few things and bring healing love to our family. —– and give up dairy and gluten? Tried it too. fuck that! )))

Kate – thank you so much for this posting, for all your advice and support

I promise you from yesterday evening (when you gave me such good tips and shared your story with me) and until the “C-Word” exists our home, I am going to support my child, love her as much as I would if she didnt cry and hold her tight – knowing that this will end soon and my husband and I will look back and think how closer this experience and how stronger its made all of us!

Is this our Melissa? If so I just have to add that when I was at her house last night watching her care for her crying baby, she kept saying in a calming voice, it’s OK Maddie, you’ll work it out. We’re here for you.

Ah, the “C” word. I, too, am a colic survivor. My baby just turned two years old last week, but this post brought back some powerful (painful!) memories. I tried all of the sage advice: sit by the shower, run the hair dryer, go for a stroll, stop dairy, quit caffeine, blah blah blah. My baby would scream for hours, red-faced, looking at me in terror as if she were face-to-face with Satan. I will never forget that look.

I have no advice. But I will offer one thread of hope: IT WILL END. The magic window of three months lasted a bit longer for us. So take it day by day. It will end, and your baby will grow to be a joyful, young soul. And he/she will look into your eyes with love, and gratitude for you weathering the storm.

i too am a “colic survivor”, i just love that!! and i love how you call it the “C-word”, which you know!! my baby had colic, had reflux and i heard it all, from every-body!! when did he grow out of it? when he was 5, on his birthday, (ok he stopped the constant crying around when he started walking but he was always a little colicky) well that is, that is when i didn’t give a rat’s ass about what other people said, those well-meaning people, mostly family, i heard it all, its your fault, your diet, your this your that, you cuddle him too much, don’t breast-feed him, let him cry it out, put him in time out, punish him, make him do this or that-, make him stop crying, put him down, don’t hug him, etc…. well i don’t have much advice for a colic baby except trust yourself as a parent,trust your baby, there is no overnight cure, sometimes i believe, you have to live it, fully, no fast forward button(although that might be nice from time to time). my baby is now 7 and his colic brought me and my hubby closer than ever, we took turns holding him at night, b/c he would only sleep for 1/2 hour during the night, the C-word, made us shut out the world around us in a wonderful way, nothing truly mattered to us but him, and his sister and us!! he is a sensitive boy-always has been, who is growing into a wonderful person/man although he was always wonderful, he just didn’t want the world to see it, he wasn’t ready yet, he wanted me, and his dad and his sibling all to himself, and that’s what he got for a long time, no one and i mean no one, including my mom who raised 10 childern, would or could watch him, i had to put going back to work on hold for months, and now i realize that my baby boy was being himself-the whole time, –sweet, sensitive, loud at times a–wonderful person!! when he turned 5, i wasn’t planning on it , i didn’t think about it i just finally let him be!! w/out me being worried about what others would think and i stopped making excuses for his behavior, Sensitive is a good thing and i know if your going through the C-word now w/ your baby, it will be hard to understand but the C-word can be a good thing, a difficult thing but it only makes you and your baby and your family STRONGER!!! i became such a more trusting more confident mama b/c of him!!! and i love him dearly!! i also became ok w/ not having THE perfect or “normal” family, really what does perfect, or normal even mean, those words should not even exist!! ok i think im done rambling!!

El, you have always been and continue to be a great source of inspiration to me! Thank you for being so loving and supportive when Kai and I were going through this. And I absolutely agree that your boy is just AWESOME. ♥

Well, being a vegan and all, dairy and such will cause a lot of issues, whether or not they’re colic. I can understand the eating issues, I used to have some issues with food, but it really is worth looking into plant based eating. I ate and loved dairy and meat for most of my life. Then I started feeling weird when I ingested any. Then I saw videos about the animals. Then I noticed the health benefits from not eating it, and the instant karma. Oh, and if you’re feeling super sore about someone suggesting not to eat milk, it’s full of caseomorphines. Reacts with opiod receptor’s. I’ve had people get unbelievably upset when I didn’t want to buy them milk or other animal products. Like little kid tantrum style. It just seems weird as hell to me, and resembles the heroin addiction I’ve seen in people close to me. *shrug* Take it as you will.

Clover, I appreciate your comment and I’m so glad you’ve found something that resonates and works for you. I agree that dairy doesn’t agree with SOME people. I don’t believe there is any ONE way of eating that fits everyone. We are all individuals and only our own bodies can tell us what is best for us. Each of us have different needs and it’s up to us to figure out what that is.

Wow, I am a colic survivor, too. It was so painful and so frustrating to go through, and the pain and frustration were multiplied exponentially when everyone kept looking at me like it was all my fault. It was not my strict vegan diet, nor was I going to give a newborn any form of medication. I dealt with 9 weeks, 3 days of near-incessant screaming and howling. I was so afraid the crying was bad for my baby (e.g. elevated cortisol levels), but I like your theory that it is actually good, and is a form of healing for the baby. Thanks for your post.

While I could do without the f-bombs, your message is our story in a lot of ways. Diet alleviated some issues but did not make my baby relaxed and calm. What did it was some cranial sacral therapy and two sessions of crying and crying and crying in my relaxed arms. The first time was about 30 minutes long of her just SCREAMING and RAGING and letting out SO MUCH frustration from the fast birth and probably even some of my lack of gentleness with her in the weeks leading up. She just cried and cried and my husband and I both agreed to try it after I read something about it being a release for babies. Before, I’d shush her and rock her and quiet her, but she wasn’t done being frustrated! I really feel that helped her. Pairing that with getting her body straight and loose and getting the kinks out, we had a totally different baby!! She’s such a delight and a hoot at 14 months, and we turned a corner around 3-4 mo but it wasn’t because we just waited it out. We worked with her and tried to understand and help her and I am so grateful to God for leading us to help our sweet daughter become a relaxed, healthy baby.

I was inspired to write a blog post about colic after reading your awesome post. I was flooded with memories, of 11 years ago when I was tending to my own beautiful newborn with colic. May we mamas with colicky babies find peace and relief as much as possible.

[...] Do you believe that there is a reason babies are colicky? That it might not be gas, or nutrition, or your breast milk? That maybe it’s something that little girl or guy is going through, emotionally? I had never even considered that point of view until I read Kate Street’s post about the c-word (READ IT, seriously). [...]

[...] past days of colic, and started thinking about the possibility of colic with Baby-Bug when I read this post on Love From Baby. It’s good. She gets it. Most importantly, she recognizes that babies are complex individuals [...]

Cutting out food for a few days will not make a difference if that food were causing a problem. My understanding is that it needs to be 2-3 weeks before eliminating a food causing a sensitivity would be completely out of your body. That’s what my doctor me when I was having food sensitivity, cause I tried cutting things out for a week at a time and she said that wasn’t long enough it had to be at least three weeks to be sure. I cut out dairy (and I LOOOOVE cheese so much it was really hard) for a few months to help my second daughter. She was not crying in horrible pain like a a baby with “colic” would be, but was constantly congested and having trouble breathing. She was spitting up massive amounts of milk and sometimes it was mucusy and green, sometimes she would have a crying fit right before spitting up the mucusy green stuff. Doctors didn’t think anything of it she she wasn’t really that fussy. When I cut out my dairy for a couple months at the suggestion of a lactation consultant when she was about six or seven weeks old, it was long enough for her to stop producing so much mucus. When I finally gave up and started eating cheese and dairy again the mucus came back but not to the point of interfering with her breathing and causing green mucus spit up like in the first couple months.

I hate the “c” word also because my first was wrongly diagnosed with it when she had a chronic health problem that caused her pain for seven months before she finally had surgery to correct it (this was in addition to a UTI which can go months without symptoms in infants). She was happiest in the early part of the day, and the screaming pain would escalate into the evenings, so they called it colic. It wasn’t until they heard her screaming that they started second guessing it. Nurses who initially had called it colic were telling me, “THAT is not normal crying” and eventually by a fluke a phlebotomist doing blood work (since months later she had finally stopped gaining weight) noticed an abnormality in her arm. “This side is pulsing and it shouldn’t be right here. I am not going to draw blood from this arm, if that is blood pulsing that could be bad for it to be punctured. There would be blood all over the place. It could be a blood clot, talk to her doctor about it.” Her whole radial artery in her right arm was malformed, there were two aneurysms and then the artery corkscrewed. It was an anomaly that no one at the university hospital had any records of on the books and so almost every doctor/professor came in periodically while the actual surgeons/pediatricians treating her were there. After surgery one of the after care surgeons (who wasn’t aware of her past medical history) remarked, “I am surprised that wasn’t causing her severe chronic pain.” I said to him, “I think it was.” Up until the surgery to remove her artery, she laid on my chest every night all night while I tried to rest. Her eyes were always swollen and puffy from not sleeping. The night after she had surgery was the first night her and I really slept in seven months. My heckles go up every time I hear someone tell a mom it’s colic.

I wish i’d read this some 12 or so weeks ago. Also a c word survivor and wanting still to scream at all the advice of gas, infacol medicine, etc. In my heart of hearts I knew it was because my baby jusr couldn’t switch off, she was so alert and still is but something was stopping her from letting go and I always believed that she needed to cry to release that tension. Incidentally I had a 43 hour labour and suction cup delivery as her poor wee head was stuck. I could see in her that her head had been bashing against me for hours trying to be born. How could that not csuse you tension. My instinct and cranial osteopath were my saviours. He was a fantastic man who agreed that yes my baby was screaming to release some sort of tension. I couldn’t really belive how antiquated some Gp’s were in their description of colic and the purple crying website was very enlightening and makes so much more sense

Things that have driven me crazy from the health visitors… Maybe she’s a baby that just likes to be awake…?!??? If she’s going to cry in your arms why not leave her in the cot to cry… You need to put her to bed drowsy but awake (does a purple crying baby look like they are drowsy but awake ever noooooo) and the best one at 4.5 months. Well you only have a month and a half and you can try controlled crying. So I’ve just got through 4 months of crying and a peaceful lovely person has emerged who you now think I should make cry again night after night. Are you having a f. Laugh!!!!! Health visitors educate yourself on crying babies for goodness sake!!!!

Definitely a survivor but an exhausted one. Now desperately trying to suss out how to get this beautiful young lady to sleep. After all the shushing, soothing, talking, humming, letting her release our baby doesn’t seem to have any ability to be drowsy or fall asleep. Any hints or tips for what to do post ‘colic’ to help baby sleep would be much appreciated. There’s lots of info about colic/dealing with crying but what happens next once you’re trying to pick up the shattered pieces…