Friday, April 06, 2007

Death and Jealousy

While I was away, a friend of mine's grandfather passed away. I saw her this week at a group dinner outing and gave her my most sincere but restrained sympathy as this was not something I wanted to do in public. I knew what it was like for someone to do that just after my dad had passed away- I feared she would break down crying in front of everyone, and I also knew how uncomfortable that was for me. But I knew that I needed to say something as this was the first I had seen her since it had happened. It took me the entire length of the dinner/conversation to gather the courage, but I finally made my way over to her....

I told her that I had heard about her grandfather and I asked her how she was doing. She said "fine" which seems to be the standard reply, even if that's NOT how someone actually IS doing. So I waited for her to go on, dreading any tears or uncomfortablility that may be brewing... but she was surprisingly at peace. She said that the whole family had made it back home for his last week of life and it was such a positive kind of celebration. She even smiled a couple of times recalling the story. She said that he was ready to go, that he had nothing else that he wanted to "do"- he had lived his life. Although I was so happy to hear this, so happy to hear that my friend was at peace with and accepted a loved one's passing, I later realized that I was so jealous. First, because that she got to SEE her grandfather before he died, to say goodbye and tell him that she loved him, hug him one more time, hear his voice. Secondly, that she and her entire family, including her grandfather, were so at peace with his passing.

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"The search is what everyone would undertake if he were not stuck in the everydayness of his own life. To be aware of the possibility of the search is to be onto something. Not to be onto something is to be in despair."
-Walker Percy, The Moviegoer