"Well, Gordon, I want you to know this is some really fine cuisine you’re running here – much appreciated.”

"Aw, stop kidding, Barack. We’ve met before, remember? For 2 minutes 9.34 seconds in the Oval Office. I’m the Prime Minister of Greater Britain and I just stopped off in New York to save the world and thought it might be helpful if we had a quick word. Can we go somewhere there are cameras?”

"Hey, pal, you must be nuts. Even Sarah Palin knows the President of England is Lord Tony Blair.”

"I’m sorry. Look, Barack, all I want to do is cement our special relationship – ”

"Hey, hold on one minute! There’s nobody keener on gay rights than me, but Michelle and I are very happy. You got a problem, try the Limey embassy, they got all these guys went to boarding school – if ya get mah drift…”

“Okay, I’ll level with you, Barack. What I really wanted to ask was do you have the receipt for that boxed set of DVDs you kindly gave me? They don’t work in Britain, but if I have proof of purchase there’s a wee shop in Cowdenbeath will give me a refund.”

“Cowdenbeath? Is that in Afghanistan?”

"No, Barack, but the mistake is easily made. Look, all I ask is, while we’re talking about the DVDs, could we go out in front of the cameras and could you make it look as if we’re discussing climate change, or the Middle East or some crap like that? Please, Mr President! I’m asking. I’m begging! Oh, please – right now I have the kind of poll ratings Hitler was getting in April 1945. I don’t want to lose my job because of a bunch of stupid voters. You know the feeling, Mr President. Please!”

“Hey, just a minute! Now I know who you are. You’re that Scottish asshole that set free that Libyan SOB.”