This formerly stately place is now completely thrashed. Scattered about are the fragments of what was once beautiful, if somewhat big statues of the gods. Someone were possibly compenating a bit. Among the bits of rock, the occasional red smear can be seen.Walking among the rubble are five detectives, all wearing their best deerhunters and tweed coats. Detective McNinja is also, for once, wearing pants.

"I think the first order of busines would be to find out just who that red smear is. Detecitve Sammich, please?" detective Grammer said and pointed at the mess on the ground.

"This looks like quite the mess," detective Red Beret said, while taking pictures of both the crime scene and other things better left undocumented.

Detective McNinja handed detective Grammer a bacon butty and said “here you go,” while detective Cheez was poking about the red smear and liking his fingers. “Mmm, yummy,” the detective says.

"Thank you very much," detective Grammer said to McNinja, before turning to detective Cheez. "Detective Cheez, please don't eat the evidence. Who knows where it's been?"

"Well, it's obviously been right here. I doubt it left the room," detective Red Beret said.

DCI Cheez shrugged. "Smeg off."

Detective Sammich walked over to the gooey splatter. "It looks edible, but I think it's more meat than sweet. As for WHO it is...It may take some time to figure out."

"It could be undead," detective Grammer said.

"Fluke's on vacation, though..." detective Red Beret pointed out.

"Your point? I, uh, forgot to have dinner," detective Cheez admitted.

"Then have a Sammich instead, would you?" detective Grammer said.

"Ooh yeah, baby, I'll have Sammich all night," detective Cheez said, while doing a small pose.

"Unfortunately, I would prefer not to be eaten. At least now." Sammich pulled out a plastic baggy and began scooping the blood into it with a fork. "Maybe once I've got ham in my system."

"...moving swifty on from that, lets see if we can find any personal belongings from this individual amoung the rubble, shall we?" detective McNinja said, while doing his best to ignore detective Cheez.

"Well, I found a shred of cloth here," detective Red Beret says and holds up the little bugger.

Failing to ignore the glove that's being flicked at him, detective McNinja instead catches the offending object, stretches it out and wears it as a hat, on top of his hat.

“Ow, I just bayonetted mah hand!” can be heard from beyond the fourth wall.

"I found a pretty big... wait, it's made of stone, couldn't have been his," detective Grammer says and throws away the offending object.

"Of course, it could be from a bedspread or a table cloth," detective Red Beret admitted, before exclaiming, "Aha! A wallet!" He'd been picking detective Grammer's pockets.

"I found a glove," detective Cheez said and happily pointed at McNinja's head.

"What in the blazes..." Sammich held up an object. "This...this can't be..."

Detective Red Beret opens the wallet he 'found'. "My goodness, it seems this poor fellow was Detective Grammer! He will be missed."

"You found a bee?" detective Cheez asks.

Detective Red Beret is busy looting the wallet and doesn't answer.

Detective Grammer walks up behind Red Beret and stabs him in the back. "That one's mine, thank you very much." He then retrieves the wallet, minus the cash.

"It's...A yoghurt dispenser!" Sammich held the yoghurt dispenser out for everyone to see.

"Hmm... Who is fond of bees?" detective Cheez wondered, while ignoring the yoghurt dispenser.

"Bees are fond of me!" detective Red Beret exclaimed. He too was ignoring the yoghurt.

Meanwhile, detective Red Beret is busy rooting around in another set of pockets. This time, said pocket belongs to detective Sammich. "I found another wallet! Possibly two victims--Detective Sammich! Nooo!"

Detective Grammer slams down an evidence dispenser next to detective McNinja, while Sammich headbutts the yogurt dispenser into the evidence bag.

Detective Grammer ensures that the ghost gets busted. Unfortunately, the busting material is not immaterial. It's sticky, though. And everywhere.

"A few more times should do it." detective Red Beret said and stabed detective Grammer some more, with great enthusiasm.

Detective Cheez uses some of the busting material to glue stones to detective Sammich.

"Busting, eh? I think we may need the help of Adam Savage..." detective McNinja said.

"YES, MY SEED HAS PURGED THE GHOST!" detective Grammer shouts, and returns to life.

“OOh, I just sliced off some fingernail...”can be heard from that fourth wall. “Are you JUGGLING it or something?” another voice exclaims, from roughly the same place.“Yes. At least I'm not using the machete,” the first voice says.

"This is a glorious day in Barbababaville," detective Sammich exclaimed and looked at the sky. There's crack in it, from where the fourth wall too a pounding.

"Next time, ask first. Snatching is rude," detective Cheez said.

Detective Red Beret took the pictures back. "As you said before, 'smeg off!'” he exclaimed and dumped detective Cheez in an unmarked evidence bag. You know, the kind usually used to store stuff the detectives will smoke on their time off.

"Possibly, but that doesn't mean he can't be a smear,” detective Cheez said.

"I was a smear once. It was a lovely day," detective Sammich added.

"That's true. You think we can have him on bread? Or is he better as sauce?" detective Grammer speculated.

"With pasta, I'd say," detective Cheez said.

"He was merely immoral. You see, he was basically reverse Dracula. He spouted blood and died sooner, versus drinking it and staying alive," detective Red Beret clarified the matter, to everyone's great confusion.

"Don't most people do that?" detective Cheez wondered.

"I think bread would be fine. Just not my bread," detective Sammich said.

"Then that means Dracula was not normal!" detective McNinja exclaimed.

"yeah, garlic is yummy,” detective Cheez said and nummed down a few cloves of the stuff.

The smer stayed just where it was.

"Indeed, garlic bread is most excellent," detective McNinja said.

Detecitve Cheez is momentarily pre-occupied with salivating on the floor.G"It would seem the smear is not affected by garlic," detective Grammer observed.

"What about onions?" detective Cheez asked, before eating some. After a moments thought, he offered some to the smear too. It gracefully accepted the offering and nummed it down.

Just then, detective Red Beret suddenly combusts. After a lot of screaming and running around, he steps on an undetonated mortar shell and becomes a very, very dead smear. That wears a red beret.Detective Cheez puts out the remains of detective Red Beret. A wild badger immediately snatches the remains and runs off with them.

"Umm, guys? Our crime is trying to sneak off. Could someone please put it in a jar or something? If there is no body, there's nothing for us to do, and we can't have that," a worried detective Grammer says. And is promptly ignored.

"Well yeah, then we can make a fortune selling water."detective Cheez said, and wrapped the smear in clingfilm.

Detective Sammich put the clingfilm in the baggy with the rest of the smear.Detective Sammich put the baggy in another baggy made of dogs, then put that baggy in a plastic baggy.

Then detective Cheez put the baggy in a cat.

"I would still like to know who The Smear is, though. It could give us a lead on who killed it," detective Grammer said. "If, indeed, someone did kill it. What if The Smear is a life form?"

"Isn't The Smear one of those comic superheroes?" detective Cheez asked.

"Never heard of him. Must be a total tosser," detective Grammer answered.

"Well, acording to this machine making whirring noises with all the flashing lights, the smear is... Sammich!" detective McNinja broke in. The result had been clear for a while, but with the others babbling like crazed baboons on speed, he had yet to get a word in. “dun-dun DUUUN” could be heard from some indeterminable source.

"But Sammich is right here. There's been no murder, then," detective Grammer exclaimed.

And so, they ate the evidence, traded the case for a barrel of ale and detective Sammich turned into a pile of doughnuts. All was happy.

But...was the pile truly a pile of doughnuts? Or was it a pile of Sammiches pretending to be doughnuts? The world may never know. "HMWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAMBURGERS."