Self ConfidenceBy Grandmaster Bob Chaney

The importance of self-confidence in your child’s life?

Self-confidence is belief in one’s self. Some people just seem to be born with it while others spend their lives searching for it. It is one of the most important virtues in a child’s life. Let us compare self-confidence to credit score. Credit is the lending institutions belief in your integrity and ability to pay your debts on time. If your payment record is clean the lending institutions continue to increase your credit lines. If you are delinquent it affects and lowers your credit score. If you establish a history of delinquencies the lending agencies will lose confidence in you altogether and totally eliminate your credit lines.

Who wants to start life out burdened with bad credit? Neither would you want your child to start out life saddled with low self-esteem or lacking self-confidence? Parents must realize that they are the most influential person in their child’s life and need to make decisions that are in the best interest of their children until their children are old enough and responsible enough to make important decisions on their own.

Children’s self-confidence for the most part, just as credit scores, is determined by their accomplishments and record of successes. Parent’s must set examples themselves and train their children to complete selected goals. Parents must generously utilize positive reinforcement while teaching and disciplining their children. From infancy children need constant praise and acknowledgments for any and all accomplishments large or small and be encouraged and taught the importance of following through with activities they get involved in and the old school importance of keeping ones word.

I was a Physical Education teacher in the mid 1970’s and early 80’s. The problem with our Physical Education programs is (I very quickly learned) the children needing it the most are the first ones to escape with notes from mommy for a bruise, a tiny cut, or a stomach ache. They are mostly the children that are un-coordinated, overweight or just plain lazy. Isn’t that the reason physical education classes were incorporated into the school curriculum in the first place? Athletes are always exuberantly lined up and waiting for class.

Students with 4.0 averages rarely drop out of school. It’s the D and C average students that drop out. The children that need and benefit the most from martial Arts training are the ones that drop out because the lack of self-discipline, athleticism, or they are just plain lazy and it’s hard for them. They generally don’t feel very good about themselves. So the parents let them out because they get tired of fighting with them about attending class. But again I reiterate; that’s the parents’ responsibility to make decisions that are in their best interest. When is the last time you heard someone complain about graduating from college or earning a Black Belt? But you do hear the regrets from the ones who didn’t.

My wife teaches a program at a nearby pre-school. Last week a four year old refused to do his punching techniques because it was too hard so he wanted to quit because he didn’t like TKD. She took him aside and talked him into trying again. This time he was successful. He became very excited with his new accomplishment, and then proudly exclaimed he liked TKD now that he was doing so well.

The Martial Arts utilize belt ranking systems that rewards and allows for the measuring of success. The beginning belts are easy to achieve but then become increasingly more difficult and require harder work and more dedication as the student advances, which brings rewards of recognition and status. You can see confidence soar with each new belt promotion. We have children who achieve advanced belt rankings with many forms of developmental delays and disabilities. Parents need to realize that we as Martial Arts instructors don’t carry around magic wands that pops out little Chuck Norris’s and Jackie Chan’s at each wave of our wands.

The Martial Arts is only one of many cures for low self esteem or lack of self confidence. The home environment is where it all starts. We only have children three or four hours per week. When we and the parents are pulling the cart in the same direction we get phenomenal results, so home environments are very important.

I often hear parents complain that they can’t control things their children experience outside of the home. Parents can however minimize those experiences. Spend quality one on one time and scrutinize and maintain control over who their children hang out and socialize with. Get to know your children’s close friends and create lines of communications with and become friends with their friends’ parents. The home environments of their friends also significantly contribute to children’s outlook on life.

I received full custody of my daughter Erica when she was 14 years old. She suffered low self esteem and had no self-confidence resulting from a verbally abusive relationship with her mom. Getting full custody of her changed my entire life and turned it upside down from that moment on. I was suddenly transformed into a single father raising a teenage daughter.

I immediately made her friends my friends and they became an important part of my life. I was in constant communications with the parents of my daughter’s friends. I made friends with her friends parents and became a major part of their inner circle as well. I talked to her friends parents on a day to day basis. We communicated with respect to when my daughter was staying over at her girl friends house or her girl friends parents always conferred with me when they were staying overnight at my house we cross checked and communicated regularly. One of us always accompanied them to the movie theaters of skating rinks or out to the lake on the weekend and reported back to the rest of us.

Keep your children in activities that provide a circle of friends and role models which will be a good influence and create a healthy and positive atmosphere. Every time a child is allowed to quit something because it’s hard, it’s boring, or because they don’t like it or it’s not what they expected they wound their confidence. If they are allowed to establish a history of quitting early or dropping out of activities they seriously sabotage their confidence and crush their self-esteem. Eventually they no longer believe in themselves. They began to select friends who also suffer low self esteem because they feel comfortable with them. I battled for 4 years to get my daughter thru high school. It was more draining then winning world titles. She finally graduated and she and I are very proud and neither of us ever regretted it.

I deal with parents, virtually every day that decided to pull their child out of my classes because the child simply doesn’t want to come any longer. Or there not paying enough attention or their not keeping up with the other kids. So they want to escape their contractual obligation because Johnny or Suzy discovered the reality that their Tae Kwon Do dreams required work, dedication and self-discipline. So they decided to try something new, that won’t require hard work and discipline?

I golfed with my father for over thirty years. Every time we arrived at the course my father produced a shiny new club that would drive the ball farther, provide more lift, putt straighter, prevent his slice or control his hook. And every time I would remind him “That’s great Dad, but some day you are going to have to learn to hit the ball properly”. Changing activities is not the answer unless they achieve a level of excellence first.

How do you convince a child that they have value when you the parents, the most important people in their life, the ones that gave them life don’t think there important enough to find a way to spend quality time with and support them?

You should never let children out of commitments they make until they complete their goal. Driving along with my father one afternoon when I was in my mid 20’s he shockingly asked me to rate him as a father on a scale from 1 to 10. After careful thought I finally answered.

“On a scale of 1 to 10 you were a number 7”. I told Dad. “What”! My father gasped. “A number 7”. “Yes Dad.” I reminded my father. “Why”. My father asked bewildered. “Well Dad, mostly because you let me quit school when I was only sixteen”. I told him. “Bob you fought with me virtually every day about quitting school. You begged and begged me remember”? Dad reminded me. “Yea I know Dad but I was only sixteen and you were my father and you should have made me complete my schooling, instead you told me romantic stories of your cross country travels as a teenage runaway and I wanted more than anything to be just like you. So off I went just like you”. “So now you’re holding it against me”. Dad asked bewildered. “No Dad. I’m just answering your question. You were an excellent father in all other areas but you always covered for me because you loved me and you should have taught me to be more responsible and accountable at an earlier age and success would have came easier and sooner for me. Now I’m back in school again after all these years”. I complained to my father.

Your children look up too and trust that you will make wise choices for them. If not they may throw it back into your face some day.