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Expert: Blue Sleighty - 2/8/2013

QuestionQUESTION: Blue

I don't know what to do anymore. I think evil has just simply gotten a hold on me with sex. Because it is all I think about! I have tried EVERYTHING to work it out with my partner and NOTHING! I'm PISSED OFF! (Excuse me) And getting very impatient.

I wrote to you a while ago about the strap-on sex we agreed to try - NOTHING HAPPENED! I left it at that. The past weekend I almost left her because of the communication issues we've been having. I stayed elswhere for two days. She begged for me to just give things another go. I took her out for a romantic dinner and agreed to come home after she promised to talk and listen more often etc. I also took the opportunity to tell her AGAIN how I felt about our sex life and how it's not always sex that I want. Sometimes I just want to be close with her. Kissing, caressing.. I told her I don't want things to just fall back into ritual because 4 months down the line this will happen again.

Well we got home and what happens?? NOTHING! Things feel just the same, nothing's changed. So maybe it's just ME! Why has sex become SO important to me? WHY? I love her - very much and the last thing I want is for this to be a reason for ending the relationship. This should not be the deciding factor. But I've come to the point of realizing that I do not want this to carry on for the rest of our lives. I've tried several aproaches and she just seems to NOT CARE about what I want - though she says she does care. It doesn't feel like it to me. I'm so sick of talking about it. She doesn't even try. Do some research about how to please a woman or something. I'm not monster - I don't expect her to be a sex god all of a sudden. Yes, I would really love a great orgasm once in a while, but I just want to see that she is making an efford to try.

I don't know Blue, I feel mixed emotions about this. Very sad and rejected at times. Other times, plain angry. Maybe I'm obsessed with sex and woman and now she's just not good enough for me anymore???? I don't want to leave, she's perfect in every other way. Is there like something I can take to surpress sexual urges? Is there anything I can do to try and forget about sex and refocus on the good in our relationship? WHAT MUST I DO?

You must be so sick of me already.. I'm sorry!

Thank you,

ANSWER: J.,

I remember very well your situation and I am not the least bit sick of you! You are welcome to write to me any time that you feel like it. I am here for that reason.

J., you are not being unreasonable. You are not possessed by demons. You just have a very healthy sex drive, and that is the way you are supposed to be.

I was hoping that back in October (or thereabouts) when you took that trip it might actually make your girlfriend think about your situation in a different way and take your needs more seriously. Obviously not.

She has developed a pattern and in my opinion it is detestable and dishonest and completely exploits your feelings for her and your desire to see your relationship become more satisfying. She knows that you are not going to leave her and she is willing to lie and mislead you in order to get her way.

It is time, J., for you to give this some very serious thought. She is never going to change under the circumstances. Why should she? She gets what she wants on her terms every time there is an issue. All she has to do is lie to you, make promises she has no intention of keeping and you stay right where she wants you.

So if this is the way you intend to live the rest of your life be happy and at peace with it and stop worrying about it. She will never change unless you give her reason to, and may not even change then.

I would like to make a suggestion. Do you have a spare bedroom that you could make your own?

It appears to me that you really do not want to leave her. So- why not at least give yourself some privacy and take care of your own sexual needs? You can have your computer, a television and dvd player in case you would like to enjoy some adult movies, a phone in case you would like to chat and she would have to stay out of your private life. Obviously she has no intention of being more sensitive to your needs, but that does not mean you should completely deprive yourself of sex.

It is not uncommon for a couple to have different sex drives but most people either reach a compromise or they split up.

If she has reduced your importance to her to room mate status- then you deserve to have the rights and privileges of a room mate.

Maybe this will solve your problem. If it doesn't - maybe it will at least be an eye opener.

I care very much about you and about your happiness and I get a little angry with her for the way she treats you when I see you trying so hard, and I see you treating her so fairly and with such dignity.

Please keep in touch. Let me know what you think about this idea.

Love,
Blue

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi, thank you for the suggestion. I would LOVE some privacy, but I don't think it could work as there'll be this atmosphere all the time. She won't accept it plus I personally believe that once it so happens that two people "separate" in their home, it's over! I would rather leave.

You said something in you letter that was a bit of a shock to my heart, but also made me realize that it's the truth. You said it seems like she's lies to me to get way and make me stay- she's making promises she has no intention to keep. She knows I won't leave and won't change unless I give her reason to. Well I am giving this some serious thought.

What if I realize we're better friends than lovers. I'll have to end it. The thought of her heart breaking pierces through my heart like lightning. We truly love each other but I'm starting to thing we're just not in love anymore and that we should maybe just remained best friend seven years ago.

The thing is: she has no family. One sister with whom she doesn't always get along. Their mom passed away when she was 16 and she doesn't know her father. I have been extremely blessed with a big family who took her in, supported us and love her as part of the family. My mom I her have a great relationship and it means so much to her. I cannot possibly destroy her life by breaking off this relationship. Also I don't want to lose her as my friend - we've been through SO much together. We've made house at an early like we are now and we're so proud of it. All of this will fall apart. Like a divorce. I can't bear the thought of having to go through this - she really takes good care of me in every other way. She DOES love me and can't stand to be without me for longer than one day. Somehow I feel that at some point it's going to happen. I guess I'm worried that she won't cope, emotionally. We live in small town as well and should I decides to go through with it, I'll have to move away for at least a couple of years.

What if I regret this decision and lose her for good? Life is such a gamble.

I think you are right, this will not change and I will always remain unhappy about it. Should I feel guilty for caring so much about sex that it makes me question my entire relationship? Or do you think this issue just made it easier for me realize everything else?

There is no easy way here is there?

I am so lost.

AnswerJ.,

It is not necessary for you to split up with your girlfriend. It is necessary for you to see things as they are, however, so that you can come to a peaceful spot.

It is not fair to either of you for your home to have an atmosphere of resentment.

When we love someone we usually love them all that we can and the best way that we know to do. Maybe your girlfriend is doing the absolute best that she can right now. Obviously she does not want to lose you. She wants to be with you. But it is obviously not within her realm of capability to give you what you need sexually right now, and maybe EVER. She
may never give you what you want sexually.

It is up for you to decide how to handle that and to decide how serious this issue is for you.

You may never find anyone who loves you as much as your girlfriend does. And what you stand to lose if you leave her sounds like a lot. It sounds like it would be pretty devastating for you, her and your family. It would be terribly sad. But I completely understand your desire to have a satisfying sex life. Many people would give everything up for sex. Sex is that powerful.

She is dishonest with you. And that's not too good in my opinion. Who gives her advice? I wonder why she can't talk to you and why she is dishonest. Of all of the things that you shared with me that worries me the most. But you know her and you know your situation. That may not be as important an issue as I feel it is.

You are correct. There is no easy way here. There never really is, though.

Good things come to those who wait. But not to those who wait too late.

I am still here for you. I think you just need to think a while and maybe try to talk with her again based on some new realizations.

Love,
Blue

Questioner's Rating

Rating(1-10)

Knowledgeability = 10

Clarity of Response = 10

Politeness = 10

Comment

Thank you once again for your help - it's so welcome. I think she needs someone to talk to via email, she communicates better that way. Let's give it another go and see what happens.
Thanks again. Keep well and I hope you are very happy!

Blue Sleighty

Expertise

BLUE SLEIGHTY HAS BEEN AN EXPERT FOR OVER 5 YEARS!
I will do my best to answer any legitimate question. If I can NOT answer it- I will be happy to provide references to someone that I believe can help you.

Experience

I have been a lesbian all of my life, and realized that there was something different going on with me by the time I was 6 years old. I have faced the same issues and have made many of the same mistakes that other lesbians have. Part of my journey as a woman and a lesbian has included educating myself, and exploring my sexuality and my body. I have had a wealth of experiences and while marching down my path seeking a better understanding of myself and others, I have gathered information along the way from studying publications of the best sex experts of our time, like Susie Bright, Annie Sprinkle (who is a lesbian, now!), Xaviera Hollander (who is doing some great work on YouTube these days!), and many others.
I have been fortunate to benefit from the wisdom, experience and research of these brilliant and brave women as well as my own.
I have had an active and adventurous sex life and I am a healthy and happy woman. I am published and a widely known writer of lesbian erotica.

PublicationsMySecretObsession.com, AuthorsDen.com, AuthorZone.com, CafeBoudoir.com, many others. Author of 25 short stories, and 3 novellas which can be found at Amazon.com, and Lulu.com , as well as many other on line book sellers. You can also find me on Facebook and Twitter.

Education/CredentialsAlong with the privledge of having an oddly interesting and far from boring life which has afforded me a rather unique perspective, I have an AA from the Texas Academy of Art. I am a midwife and worked with a team of midwives at a birthing center where I performed well woman exams, managed prenatal care, and delivered babies as well as managing home births for 3 years, which gives me plenty of hands on experience with the female body. I have the equivalent of a MA in life experiences and personal independent study as measured by UH life credit testing, and I constantly read college psychology textbooks, Psychology/Psychiatry News in the AMAJ, Psychology Today, and other educational journals. I write professionally and am respected and loved in the genre of lesbian erotica. I am a lesbian mother of a now adult, well-adjusted, degreed, happily married for 5 years, heterosexual daughter. I'm 40.

Awards and HonorsEvery time someone thanks me for helping them is an award and an honor for me. Also, I was just thanked by the author, 'the mysterious Jade', in the acknowledgements of her new, page turning lesbian erotic thriller, "Secretly Bound", for being her mentor and for inspiration, advice and friendship. I have business associations with some of the best artists and writers of our time.