The point is, somehow we've trapped ourselves in a causality loop, where our actions are perpetually causing the universe to be destroyed.

That sounds ... bad?

Very.

How do we stop it?

Well, we have to be careful. Until we know what's causing the universe to get destroyed, we shouldn't act rashly. For now, let's behave as we normally would.

-Long pause-

But wouldn't we have done exactly that the first time through the loop? Most times through the loop, in fact? Times when we didn't have deja vu and didn't know we were in a universe-destroying causality loop? Wouldn't doing the exact opposite of what came naturally be a billion times smarter?

You're right. That makes way more sense than what I just said. So then. What are you really inclined to do right now?

Pull my pants up to conceal my shame?

Then there's the answer. You keep your pants down and you keep yanking it.

I'm not sure I'm too comfortable with that.

NO TIME TO ARGUE.

All right.

In the meantime, if we fail, we have to see if there's a way to send a clue into the next loop to help us understand what's happening here.

Like a note?

A trans-chrono-planar-scalar-psuedo-inter-blog-note? That'd be a pretty impressive bit of engineering for someone with multiple Ph.D.s, much less for someone softcocking in his basement.

Hey!

Wait. I've got it! The deja vu! That sensation we're having of events we've already lived through. Obviously, our minds are capable of picking up resonances across the chrono-loops. If we could trigger an artificial form of deja vu ...

How?

OK. If you notice the universe getting destroyed, like if it starts to vibrate or smoke or whatever, I want you to concentrate really hard on what's causing it to explode. You've got to think of something really simple. A clue we could pick up on and use later.

Hmmmmmmm ... that's it! This feeling of deja vu we're having. The active time shifter, whizzing away just inches from your genitals. We're about to have an accident with time.

What?

That's why we feel like we've done all this before. We have done all of this before. Somehow, we're about to cause the universe to collide with causality at right angles.

That doesn't sound good.

No, it doesn't. And your sudden, salivating interest in testicles is the key.

I'm not salivating.

Balls are how we got into this mess. Or, how we get out of it. What if you got your balls caught in the DVR's time shifter? That would cause the universe to explode!

Why would I do that?

I don't want to speculate too much about what or why you do things in your spare time, because I'd prefer sleeping at night. But tell me I'm wrong. Go have a look at the time shifter. What's it look like?

There's a chunk of burnt skin and hair in there.

Yikes.

Yeah. I am shifting around all sorts of uncomfortably right now. So what do I do?

Well, let's just quietly pull your pants up.

Let's just do that, yes.

And now ... maybe ... maybe unplug the DVR?

That seems pretty smart.

-he unplugs the DVR-

How does that feel?

It feels good. It feels like we haven't tried this yet.

I think you're right. I think we've made it out of the loop!

Oh thank God! And every part of me is still intact!

Nice one! Man, I wonder how long we've been stuck in there. Hours? Days? Go check the time.

-He checks the time on his phone-

Oh shit. We're two weeks in the future.

Ooooooooh.

How the hell did that happen? Oh my God. Work! What do I do now?

Congratulations on completing this guide! You are now no longer trapped in a time loop! Should you desire any further advice, please consult our guide, So You've Lost Your Job Because You Were Yanking It to Under Siege for Two Whole Weeks.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and just a tremendous Star Trek: TNG nerd. Join him on Facebook or Twitter where, if you ask nicely, he might be convinced to share some of his Data/Spot slash fiction.