On a lazy day off I was watching J-Lo’s Behind the Music on TiVo. They were talking about her life and many loves: Diddy and Ben Affleck, etc. They end on how she’s finally found lasting love with husband Marc Anthony. Then she said something so profound. I’m paraphrasing, but basically she said being with him makes her want to be a better person and thus being with him makes her better.

It was an a-ha moment for me. This is what I’ve been doing wrong. Find a person you love and that makes you a better person. She didn’t say find the guy with the most money or find the sexiest guy. She said find the guy who makes you want to be better.

This woman has dated all types of men from the rich and powerful (music mogul Diddy and actor/writer Ben Affleck) to regular guys (waiter Ojani Noa and backup dancer Cris Judd). She has dated across racial lines (black, white, Latino).

I’m by no means a relationship expert, in fact I’m the queen of bad relationships. I do however know this is a method I have not actively tried. I opt for the guy who is the cutest or the most fun or who has the best swagger. None of those things have amounted to diddly squat and here I am 30-years-old, perpetually single, and the only one of my siblings not to give my parents a grandchild.

I guess the point I’m making is sometimes we have to go outside of our comfort zone to get something we’ve never had before. My most recent relationship was with a guy who was a teacher and was pursuing an advanced degree. He had a job where he was making a contribution to society. He was making himself better educated. It made me realize I could be doing more. It made me want to be more.

Insanity is doing the same thing and getting a different result. Maybe finding love is doing something so totally different and being open to the possibilities.

﻿“I did not know that feminism is what you called it when black warrior women moved mountains and walked on water. Growing up in their company, I considered these things ordinary.” ~ Joan Morgan

I’ve been suspecting it for a little while now, but Joan Morgan’s “When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost” officially confirmed it for me.

I’m a black feminist.

I remember once in a job interview being asked “What am I passionate about? What motivates me? That was a year ago and I didn’t know. I remember BSing some answer that obviously didn’t work because I didn’t get the job.

In a year of unemployment, college, dating, loving, dumping, and being dumped by black men, I’ve learned a lot about myself.

I can finally say with certainty I know what I’m passionate about. I’m passionate about advancing my people. Particularly black women. I find myself increasingly concerned with how black women are treated, how black women are depicted, and how black women are perceived. The older, wiser Brandy no longer hates on a young, black girl because she’s got a bigger ass than me, dresses a little more fly than me, or gets more male attention than me. I can’t hate on young black girls, because I’ve been a young black girl. I know how hard it is out there for us. We don’t need anything additional working against us. If anything we need more of us loving and supporting each other. We need to bond together, we need to create a network. And we need to love ourselves just as much, and in some cases, more than we love our black brothers. Only then, will we be able to get what we need from our brothers, our lovers, our communities, this country, and this world.

So Morgan’s addresses this issue in a passage from “Chickenheads.” She’s been ambushed by three black men upset by a pro-woman response to the racial implications of the raping of a white Central Park jogger allegedly by black teenage boys. Her defense, for me, addresses the dark secret of black relationships that is so rarely talked about:

“Whatcha really wanna know is how I feel about brothas. It’s simple. I love black men like I love no other. And I’m not talking sex or aesthetics, I’m talking about loving y’all enough to be down for the drama — stomping anything that threatens your existence. Now only a fool loves that hard without asking the same in return. So yeah, I demand that black men fight sexism with the same passion they battle racism. I want you to annihilate anything that endangers sistas’ welfare — including violence against women — because my survival walks hand in hand with yours. So, my brotha, if loving y’all fiercely and wanting it back makes me a feminist than I’m a feminist. So be it.”

This sentiment is on point. It’s upsetting that black men sometimes look at black women as the enemy for expecting to be respected and loved the same way we respect and love them. I digress though.

The book is fantastic. Her writing is fantastic.Check it for yourself here, along with other works by Morgan.

My sister was having some man problems and decided to ask me for advice. (Why, I don’t know since I’m chronically single). During this conversation I made kind of a sad discovery about my relationships.

I’m pretty proud of the fact that I’ve remained friends with 98% of my exes. In fact, many of my exes are some of my closest male friends to this day. I think sometimes people are meant to be in our lives not as lovers but as good friends. Its just that I tend not to discover this until after I’ve rushed into the relationship with them.

Well the convo with my sister made me realize that I’ve never in my entire dating life dated a man who was my friend first. When I look over my dating track record I’ve realized that all of my boyfriends were lovers first then friends. I don’t really know what its like to have a friendship with a person and then have it develop into a relationship. That’s unfortunate.

This is the point where movie romances have totally screwed me up in the real world of dating. I’m gonna blame every chick flick ever made for this. For two reasons, first my standards of romance are so unbelievably high that no man will measure up to them. I deem any man unromantic who doesn’t write poems like Larenz Tate in Love Jones or hold a boombox over his head like John Cusack in Say Anything because this is what I’ve grown to believe men who really like you are supposed to do. The flip side of this is movies like When Harry Met Sally, Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan have this great friendship that they almost ruin when they have sex and then of course they fall in love and it works out in the end.

I want to know what thats like. The only problem is the guys don’t become my friends until after we’ve become intimate and started hating each other. Its like I’m playing the movie in reverse.

Could this be part of the reason I’m single? Can anyone else relate to this or am I riding on a boat all by myself on ths one?

A pair of sandles like these play a big part in one of my worst dates ever

My really horrible date this weekend inspired me to compile a list of my most heinous dating offenses. These are all true by the way and in no particular order. (I’m currently single and no longer dating any of these guys)

Surfing a dating site while on a date with me

Trying to get me to buy you a pair of man sandles from Old Navy and lunch on our first date

Telling me AFTER we’re already in line at the food court for our lunch date, the date you invited me on, that our meal is dutch

In an effort to understand the male mind a little bit better over the past few months I’ve read three relationship books by men for women. All three books attempted to put women at a dating advantage by allowing us to understand how men think about women. After a year of being single I applied some of the techniques and caught me a hot, sexy guy. Was it the books? Who knows, but if you’ll indulge me I’d like to share some of the lessons I learned over the next three blog posts.

Actor/comedian Steve Harvey’s “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” was a best seller. He was all over the place giving love and relationship advice. And for good reason, the book was an incredible insight into the male psyche. Steve’s book forced me to look at myself the way a man sees me. Once I understood how a man saw me I understood their behavior.

One concept that stood out for me was his sportsfishing analogy. He explained that men sometimes view dating and pursuing women like fishing. There are the women that they catch and keep and then there is sports fishing where they fish just to see what they can get and then throw it back. That’s sports fishing. I never realized it, but I was a sports fish.

I say that because I always thought of myself as the type of girlfriend who didn’t put pressure on her man. I was never the type that would hound you about your whereabouts. I’m a free-spirit and I take that attitude into my relationships. I was always carefree and fun, with very little rules. I was always open to trying wild and adventurous things. What I learned is that men like those kinds of women, but they don’t date or marry those kinds of women.

They need and want rules and restrictions, just not too many. Also, being too wild and free makes them wonder if you are capable of being serious as a mother or a wife. I thought this was fascinating. I wonder if any of my guy readers agree or disagree with Steve’s take on this? What do you think? Do guys like freedom or do they need rules?

I’ve got a problem. I’m dating a sexy guy. Really sexy. He is absolutely the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen and he is dating… me. Me, the chubby girl with the gap in her teeth, the hammer toes, and poochy belly.

I know what you’re thinking ” you poor thing, you get to have sex with a hot guy, boo hoo (totally dripping with sarcasm)” But the truth is I’ve never dated anyone this hot and I’m totally insecure. Being with a really good looking person makes me feel…I don’t know…kind of ugly.

I’m constantly thinking you could have anyone why would you pick me? I’m constantly thinking that he’s gonna find someone better looking and drop me like a hot potato.

I’ve shared these thoughts with him and he assures me that he is very happy with me. He compliments me constantly and tells me that just because he gets female attention doesn’t mean he is interested. The crazy thing is he’s insecure that someone is going to steal me from him. Wow! I broke it off with him and he campaigned to get me back. Me.. the chubby girl with the gap teeth, hammer toes, and poochy belly.

That’s why I dated ugly guys I never felt like I had to compete. I always felt like they were lucky to have me. I shouldn’t say they were ugly, they were all cute to me. I’m a thrift store queen I can find the treasure in any trash. Plus I’m usually attracted to some other quality like one guy who was really smart, and others who could make me laugh.

Has anyone else encountered this problem? Does anyone else date ugly guys? Any suggestions for me.

Mostly waiting for the phone to ring. I interviewed for a new job last week and I’m waiting for a call back to see if I got it. I waiting for the new guy to call. I lost my debit card and I’m waiting for my new one. I’m waiting for the weekend.

Strange as it seems there’s a comfort in waiting. Sort of the no-news-is-good-news thing. It’s the calm before the storm. As long as they don’t call I still have hope that I will get the job. Once I get the call definitively my life will change…or it will stay exactly the same as it already is.

Earlier this year I learned how one phone call can totally change your entire life. It was when I found out I was getting laid off from my job. For eight years, I had a job I loved with people I adored. Then after one phone call I just didn’t. You live life a certain way, then something unexpected happens and you just have to start living your life totally differently.

So I take a small comfort in the unknown. The ignorance is bliss, because until that happens I don’t have to change. I don’t have to adapt. I can just be. At least for the time being.

Benjamin Franklin has this great quote,

“He that can have patience can have what he will.”

I hope Mr. Franklin is right.

Let’s kill some time and help each other through this. I want to know what are you waiting for? Has a phone call ever changed your life? Comment below.

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