'My Adult Son and His Family Are Moving in with Us'

Get expert advice on handling finances when grown children return home

"My son and his family are moving in with us, and we don't want money issues hurting our relationship." Meribeth Bosse, 47, SAHUARITA, AZ

Meribeth's Story

Meribeth and Brian Bosse were concerned about their son's future when Matthan, 24, got married in 2012, a few semesters shy of graduating from the University of Arizona. "Getting married and going to school—that's a lot of responsibility."

Matthan and his wife, Makenzie, had a little girl last June and are expecting their second child in January. When Matthan dropped his course load to part-time so he could work more and earn money, his parents worried that he wouldn't graduate. "Matthan works hard, and he and Makenzie never complain," says Meribeth, "but there was just too much on his plate."

There was an obvious solution: The Bosses have a space above the garage with a separate entrance that could become a little apartment for Matthan, Makenzie and their kids, saving the young family $1,000 each month. If the older Bosses cover basic expenses and Makenzie stays home with the children, Matthan can go back to school full-time and finish his degree sooner.

But adult kids moving home can be stressful, and money issues make things more complicated. Brian and Meribeth are wary of tensions that may arise. "It's not what we know, it's what we don't know that's causing us the biggest angst," says Brian. The family needs a plan.

Thinking It Through

By the time I spoke to them, the Bosses had already laid some groundwork for family financial harmony:

• Meribeth and Brian would cover the mortgage and utilities.

• Matthan would keep his part-time job as a lifeguard to help pay for his tuition, contribute to the grocery bill and cover his own family's personal expenses.

• Everyone agreed that the arrangement would not be open-ended. Matthan, Makenzie and the kids would only live with Meribeth and Brian until just after Matthan graduates in July 2016.

• Both couples plan to meet before the big move-in to air any questions and concerns. Once they are living together, the four will gather weekly to handle any problems.

Making It Work

The key here is to anticipate problems and have mechanisms in place to address them. No one has a crystal ball, but the family should watch out for these issues:

Red Flag: Fuzzy Boundaries

Meribeth and Brian are helping their son for a specific purpose: so that he finishes school in a timely fashion. How would they react if the young couple spent money in a way they felt took them off track from their goal?

For example, right now, says Makenzie, "we don't have much money so it's not like we go out all the time." But soon there will be a little wiggle room—how much spending on entertainment is OK while they all live together, given that the reason they're doing so is that money is tight? Or let's say the younger couple decided to buy a car and paid for it out of Matthan's earnings. "We would have an issue with that," says Brian.

The big question is, does partially supporting the couple give the older Bosses a say over how they spend? "They've let us into their business—how many courses at school, how many units until he graduates," says Meribeth. "How do we know where their boundaries end and ours begin?"

I suggested that both couples try to stick to current boundaries, particularly regarding financial choices. Right now, one couple doesn't know when the other orders takeout or takes a day off. The Bosses resolved to keep their opinions to themselves—unless a spending decision meant there were repercussions for everyone, or if Matthan and Makenzie couldn't live up to their end of the bargain. If either couple foresees a problem, they should talk through—in terms of dollars and cents—how new expenses will be covered.

Red Flag: Built-up Resentments

As clear as everyone tries to be about their expectations, there are always unvoiced assumptions and gray areas, and these cause the most stress, especially when money is involved. For instance, when we spoke, Brian mentioned that Matthan could contribute by doing some of the yard work around the house. And Meribeth and Brian would no doubt babysit on occasion.

I asked them, do these in-kind contributions have a financial value, or do they simply add to the collective good? Is Matthan's mowing the lawn worth the $25 they'd normally pay a neighborhood kid to do it, and if so, can he knock that amount off his portion of the grocery bill? Is any babysitting the Bosses do a grandparents' treat, or would they consider it a favor for which the younger couple owe them?

There's no right answer—and it doesn't matter what they decide, as long as the terms are clear to all. I suggested they think through chores and household contributions and wherever possible, attribute a dollar value when they can. That way, they can keep track and nobody will feel taken advantage of.

When there is a conflict, it's important to bring up specific behaviors and common goals, rather than how much money is being wasted. So instead of "Our electric bill has doubled since you moved in," say this: "We've noticed that you leave the a/c on when you go out, and we all want to save money—could you be sure to turn it off?" Whoever has the issue might run the phrasing by their spouse to make sure it sounds nonaccusatory.

One Big, Happy Family

The families have been living together for two weeks, and so far, so good. The younger Bosses' transmission died, but everyone agreed that they'd borrow the older Bosses' second car rather than buy a new one. "I realize it will be a little difficult at times, but I know everything will work out," Makenzie says.

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