TIFU by laughing at a sign

This happened last night. My gf and I decided to go camping in Patrick's Point. As we rolled up to pay for our site, we saw these signs, and were joking about how funny they look, and captioning them to say "Moonwalk" "Attempt to fly away" "offer your first born child", mistake one. We chose a heavily wooded site, with a cove and lots of tree cover. Mistake two. We then hiked wedding rock, came back, made a nice fire and cooked grilled cheese and soup. All in all, a great evening. As we were chilling by the fire, a fat skunk waddled out. My girlfriend is terrified of skunks, so I am trying to shoo it while she hunkers in the car, but this plump fucker was not afraid. Eventually, after eating some grubs, it waddled past our tent into the brush. My gf was dead set on sleeping in the car, but I convinced her everything would be fine, and shone my flashlight all around our tent proving the smelly lil bastard was gone for the night. So we curl up in our one-man coffin tent (mistake 3) have some loud camping sex (mistake 4, fucking intense!) And close our eyes to sleep, lulled by the roar of waves crashing off the surrounding cliffs. Just as we are about to sleep, we hear cracking of twigs (no big deal, probably skunk dude) followed by a bone-chilling growl (second sound of this video) coming from a few feet away.

We are now frozen, completely silent except for our ridiculously loud heartbeats. "Did you hear that? " I whisper "Yeah, wtf do we do?" She replied. We held each other, thinking maybe if we are still it will lose interest and move on. No luck, as now we hear it circling our little sardine can of doom. "Should we scream?" She peeps. Before the words can leave her mouth I yell in my manliest voice "Hey! Fuck off!" She joins me, our voices louder than a goddamn foghorn. Now this damn cat is thinking, tasty snack, all wrapped up, and sounds like an injured deer! Yay! So the circling has tightened around us and we can see shadows of its silhouette above us. We need light, we agree. So with one arm over her stomach I slowly reach over my head in this claustrophobic space, grab the flashlight while clicking it on, and as I bring my arm back down by my side, my elbow grazes its fucking nose pressed against the tent. Oh hell no! Without a pause or thought I flipped around, my back pressed on top of my gf, and kick as hard as I can, shouting. The first kick blindly landed right on the side of the lion's face, and the two subsequent kicks hit nothing, just tore the tent open. Faced by darkness and the uncertainty of whether I would be mauled, I rose out of our mangled doggy-bag, pulling my girl behind me back to back. There was nothing in the clearing, so we slowly walked back to the car, illuminating the brush around us.

This all started around 1:30, and we made it to the car at 2:15. We did have to go back for our phones, after, maybe an hour of pure adrenaline pumping through our veins. Nothing came of it so once we were chill enough to lie down, we did, falling asleep by around 5AM. the next morning we got our food out of the bear box, grabbed our remaining stuff, and looked for tracks. Right next to the tent, about a foot from where my head was, there were scuffle prints in the dirt. We packed up, made our exodus, and stopped by the ranger station where we finally noticed the other, less amusing sign next to the aforementioned one warning of a "problem mountain lion" in the area. We filled out a report, and now we are home safe. But shit! Two small women against a 200lb cat. We are lucky we didn't get mauled.

TL;DR: my girlfriend and I laughed at a very serious sign, and almost got eaten by a kitty cat

Bjantastic 2295

Honestly, the team plot twist was that OP is a woman.

HeroofWinds1 760

For real. I was picturing a big manly man defending his girl from a mountain lion by being badass and kicking it in its face. Now I'm picturing a big womanly woman defending her girl from a mountain lion by being badass and kicking it in its face.

sweet-pie-of-mine 158

She described herself as small. So a small maybe burlyish woman at best.

fuckyoupasswordlord 362

5 foot y'all

ButILikeFire 173

That just makes you a bigger badass, TBH.

QuotesSongsAndGames 62

Or a smaller badass?

Fizzabella 38

Definitely a shorter badass

Catsorbras 45

I would call it a more concentrated badass.

oeynhausener 25

Compact badass

Panchorc 19

Dense badass

henryhooverville 14

Badass Loot Midget confirmed

QuotesSongsAndGames 5

I like my treasure like I like my baby steaks, rare...

Goth_Spice14 86

As a lesbian, lemme just say that you're making me melt right now!

suicidalpenguin99 50

So if I ever need to entrance another lady I know now to kick a mountain lion in the face

Goth_Spice14 147

Honestly, her being a petite girl who has a good sense of humor, enjoys camping, and is willing to throw herself on top of her girlfriend to save her from an apex predator, and then kick said predator in the face is pretty fucking attractive in my book. Gotta put that shit in my relationship "must have" list.

"Must be willing to ravish me in the woodlands, then save me from being ravaged by apex predator. Petite preferred, though Amazons always welcome."

suicidalpenguin99 29

I guess this is why I'm single

fuckyoupasswordlord 14

Well shucks! Y'all are making me feel good. My girlfriend just thinks your comments are making me arrogant. ¯\(ツ)/¯ (I don't think she actually realizes we could have died)

Goth_Spice14 14

Yeah no y'all straight could have fucking died. Mountain lions ain't no joke, sister. They could crush your skull with their teeth, or take your face off with one bone-shattering swipe of their mighty paw. Their preferred method is to stalk, then pounce, killing you by severing your spinal cord in your neck. They are efficient and deadly predators, though they rarely fuck with humans.

You did exactly the right thing in this scenario.

When confronted with a stalking puma, make yourself an undesirable target. Do anything you can to appear larger than you are (like a kitty puffing up and arching its back), scream at it (you got this down), and if attacked, fucking fight.

You totally saved you and your girlfriend's lives, dude.

Oh, and never, under any circumstances,everturn your back on a wildcat of any type. It triggers their hunting instincts.

Fizzabella 21

As a straight lady, lemme just say you're also making me melt rn

brooke360 1

Ditto 😊

notrandomspaghetti 10

Someone give OP gold for this.

fuckyoupasswordlord 6

No luck, but thanks for the suggestion!! Someday I will taste this elusive joy of reddit gold...

approachcautiously 8

You did a damn good job nailing the nose. If you ever have to go for hard blows to the nose or eyes. (The nose thing doesn't work for all animals but for the most part it's not pleasant to them).

Plus the animal is far more likely to recover from damage to the nose or eye than if you were to take a knife to its body. Plus just slashing at it likely wouldn't discourage it from eating you

ArmEagle 3

We're more than 3-4, according to what I learned yesterday on Reddit that should be "all y'all" . Well, if you're from the specific mentioned state of course.

cawatxcamt 2

Texas? Definitely all y’all.

fuckyoupasswordlord 2

Originally from Southern Ohio

iMasi 1

and having noisey camping sex.

redandpurpleunicorns 587

It's the fact that she says "in my manliest voice" I've read that phrase on Reddit a lot from guys trying to be tough in tifu type situations.

KingNarwahl 26

Now the line about sounding "like an injured deer" makes a lot more sense

Zestyclose_Candy 1

Also, 'one-man coffin tent'

obsessedcrf 65

I felt like my brain experienced a branch prediction miss reading that and had to rewind. It's hard not to initially assume male after reading "girlfriend"

textingmycat 50

Heteronormativity my friend

obsessedcrf 80

It's a statistically safe assumption, since 90 some percent of people are heterosexual. Sure it's wrong sometimes, then we correct ourselves and move on with life

fuckyoupasswordlord 38

Not to mention Rule 16

ilhares 8

Discovery and Inspection?

fuckyoupasswordlord 111

There are no females on the internet.

coolguy420weed 3

Underrated comment.

alecmelton 11

Lol it was saved till right at the end, rereading is like playing a game after you already know which of your friends will betray you

Most predatory mammals have sensitive noses, and when you attacked it after making loud noises at it, you probably moved yourself from the "Yummy snack" column to the "Too dangerous to be worth the effort" column.

fuckyoupasswordlord 86

Yeah, I still keep wondering what would have happened if I missed or just kicked, say, his shoulder instead

train_ship_explorer 255 G

We'd be reading a sad yet hilarious obituary about the pussy that ate the lesbians?

themrme1 3

What's new, pussycat?

arudnoh 7

"Hey man, I'm on the rugby team! Ow! Dick... "

Mbate22 30

My favorite defense against lion attacks is shove your arm down it's throat because they have a sensitive gag reflex. I imagine the genius who came up with that defense tactic has a hard time clapping

TheAbominableRex 135

I thought this was going to go the route that it was actually the rangers who scare people in the middle of the night because they don't like their sign being made fun of.

But you kicked a mountain lion in the face! That's crazy! I'm glad you're both ok.

DamnAlreadyTaken 34

Well, they didn't actually see the lion

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

3e486050b7c75b0a2275 7

could have been the skunk

fuckyoupasswordlord 1

I hoped and tried to convince myself, but the height, weight, and paw prints suggested otherwise

MlkShakes 104

I open this post, things auto-open. While laughing at the signs I get the living shit scared out of me by a very loud and very sudden growl. Take my fucking upvote for giving me a heart attack.

fuckyoupasswordlord 45

I know the feeling. 😂

therealdoop 94

The sign says "Pick up children without bending" meaning bending over, making yourself vulnerable... my dumb ass thought it meant without bending the child. I laughed embarassingly hard for a good minute or so before realizing. It's past my bedtime.

On a more serious note, that's some scary shit OP. I live in a part of the world with cougars, as well as other large predators, and I have been fortunate enough not to run into them during my outdoor adventures. I don't know if I could have kept my cool like that. You're a badass.

Quialal 14

The sign says "Pick up children without bending" meaning bending over

The better part of this is that they show the adult with their arm on top of the kids head.

"Don't bend over to pick up your kid. Just palm their head like a basketball."

therealdoop 2

Maybe that's the only way to do it so that no one bends. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

fuckyoupasswordlord 3

You dropped this \

therealdoop 2

Hahaha. Thanks. I went to edit it and it shows up there, but not when I post. Weird.

BubbaCheez 7

"You can't bend a wooden door!"

"You and I both know that, but this door looks pretty stupid."

therealdoop 5

One of my favorite episodes.

TetchyOyvind 3

Do you mind if I ask what it is from?

therealdoop 3

It's from Futurama, one of my faves.

DAWGER123 35

I didn’t read the caption for the picture with the kid. It looks like he’s offering the child as a sacrifice

FoolishChemist 35

Mountain Lions don't like the children bent. It's impossible to get the creases out.

What about a jar of actual wasps? Pretty sure not even mountain lions want to deal with that shit.

booksandrats 2

Wasp spray is easy to find, and is meant to be sprayed at a nest 20 feet away. So the luxury of ease of purchase and length of reach. We have bears in my area, but they aren't a nuisance. I've never seen bear spray available.

JuIesWinnfield 32

The man on the sign didn't get eaten so I should be fine.

rootinspirations 30

My guy and I were stalked by a mountain lion on our first camping trip together. He got to feel its nose and whiskers pressing against his head through the tent. Always makes an amazing story!

sadistic-autistic 18

My guy and I

I was really hoping that you were a dude so I could establish a theory that this situation only occurs in homosexual relationships.

I was disappointed after going through your comment history.

rootinspirations 4

Ha! Sorry to disappoint. Though for a long time I did list myself as male on Facebook so that I wouldn't get baby stuff ads. Does that count?

karasick525 25

I’m a woman. Married to a woman. And i totally read this as man/woman. I’m going to lose my gay card if i admit this out loud.

iGalaxy_ 16

It's safe to assume most people are heterosexual considering the vast majority are heterosexual. Nothing wrong with that.

interiorcrocodemon 13

I almost typed this response word for word, scrolled own, saw yours, had this really weird feeling. Just needed to share.

But yeah, the "did you assume my x?" crowd is kinda silly for thinking people assuming that you're part of the majority of the human population is bigotry.

Sincerely, a trans lesbian.

coolguy420weed 1

thats heteronormativity babey !

FoolishChemist 20

Remember you only have to run faster than the slowest person in the group.

train_ship_explorer 12

That's bears. Pretty sure cougars would wound the fast one and let them bleed out while finishing off the rest.

whut-whut 13

They're cats. They will kill anything within reach because they can, then chase the next fastest moving thing to kill it because its fun, and once they run out of things to kill, wander around a bit with a bored, scornful look on their face, curl up in a ball, and sleep for the next 16 hours.

Vga1128 18

Oh shit! How big was it? Did you ever see it??

fuckyoupasswordlord 52

No, we never saw it, but the ranger said there had been a juvenile Male stalking hikers and campers, so probably around 150 - 175lb or so. I still have no idea why it growled like that, but thank God it did!

SirGingy 39

Why did reading juvenile Male make me think of you were talking about high school pranksters?

Azryhael 54

Because regardless of species, the juvenile male is invariably the most prone to doing dumb things that it thinks are funny. It’s just one of those laws of the universe.

wgc123 8

Hey Sylvester, hold my beer. Watch me scare these hikers. WCGW?

Dioruein 9

You fought back. The lion clearly followed the rules and left you guys be after that.

mylittlecarrot 9

The growl made me scared and I’m at home in pajamas. There aren’t even cougars in my country. Lol. (To be fair, I once screamed because a duck quacked at me in the dark while camping.....nature can be scary.....)
You’re a badass. You’re girlfriend is a lucky woman.

Piee314 7

Don't care, had sex.

MrSpooniversal 7

have some loud camping sex (mistake 4, fucking intense!)

Yes, that's fucking in tents.

Esoteric_Erric 6

Nice plot twist at the end. Go girl !

Bigmike1021 5

3) have some loud camping sex (mistake 4, fucking intense!)

more like fucking in tents lol

fistisalsoanadverb 5

This is why I conceal carry when I'm out in mother nature because if push comes to shove I'd prefer to return to my family and friend. Safe, happy, and employed.

Gouranga56 5

ditto but honestly..the depending on how popular the spot is the two legged mammals are still the most likely ones you need it for.

GentleLazers 3

It's odd that you threw employed in there.

fistisalsoanadverb 3

I can't be employed If I'm dead

DrSloany 4

How is having loud sex mistake no. 4?

3e486050b7c75b0a2275 3

it attracted the predator's attention

melody_elf 4

Great writing, great story and sudden homosexuality at the end. 10/10!

Dielyr 4

Legit you making fun of it was a good move. It means that the real message of what to do stuck with you better - and it looks like you followed it. Try to act intimidating, back away slowly (not an option in the tent), fight back (don't run) if all else fails.

Seriously, good job OP. Laughing at it legitimately has a much higher chance of causing the message to stick with you than some of the alternatives (like ignoring it, particularly). Like with marketing & ads.

jader88 3

I can barely see the warning sign to the left, but it looks like a drawing of a vicious mountain lion. That's crazy!

proudnewamerican 3

TD,DR. (too drunk, didn't read). But I love photograph you place for us!

radgepack 7

Here to remind you that you should return after sobering up. It's a pretty cool story

jenimafer 3

The tldr made me giggle

remny308 3

Well the good news is that because it growled as it approached it probably wasnt intending to eat you really (cougars dont growl while hunting, defeats the whole stealthy thing). The bad news is it probably wanted to kill ypu anyways because youre in its territory and it has become unafraid of humans.

fuckyoupasswordlord 2

I actually wonder if it got spooked by Mr. Skunk and if that's why it growled...

remny308 2

Maybe. But unlikely. Cougars dont really mess with skunks in the wild. Cougars have a very strong sense of smell and hearing too. Likely he knew the skunk was there. The growl honestly was probably a warning for you and your girlfriend. If he is a "problem" cougar, then he has a history of messing with people and their things. He probably growled as a kind of warning/challenge. He wasnt scared of you at all, judging by the events you described. But your kick to the face was sufficient enough of a answer to his challenge that he decided you werent worth it. Especially being that it came from inside the tent, he likely saw the whole tent as the thing that attacked him.

Cougars will nope the fuck out if they are confronted enough. They cant afford to be injured.

___Little_Bear___ 2

Beyond the mountain lion, hope i you two like Patrick's point! I used to go there all the time. It's gorgeous out there.

SimonCallahan 2

sounds like an injured deer!

TIL injured deers can swear. :D

willkorn 2

Why do you have countless tifu stories seems pretty fishy to me tbh

fuckyoupasswordlord 1

Haha, I have three over the course of 2 years. I guess my most shareworthy stories tend to be fuck ups.