Tag: love

So I’ve noticed that even though my blog is a personal place to spill out all my thoughts and feelings and emotions, as a result it has also reflected a lot of the dark moments and worries that pass through my head. Today’s post is about taking it back to what the whole point was of starting this whole blog, which was the intention of focusing on happiness and the journey to it- which brings up gratitude, a neighbor of happiness.

The obvious basic: The obvious basic things I have to appreciate living in a developed country is that I am never starving, always have food to go for when I’m hungry, and that I always have a roof over my head with a comfy room. All my loved friends and family are still alive, especially my parents, who do so much for me. They support me through my illness, support me financially in terms of living expenses and anything else I need, like paying for medication, picking up my medication, and dropping it off for me right away. They bought me my laptop and my android phone in the recent years. I get to keep myself clean and well-groomed with hot showers and baths which are especially useful when I feel low.

The materialistic: Even though yes, studies show that experiences and meaningful relationships matter a lot in relativity to happiness, the second thing I have to list in terms of gratitude is more materialistic. I don’t desperately need anything (besides my health lol), but there were a couple things I had on my wish list, and I honestly didn’t expect to seriously get any of those things this year. However, I got most of them, either gifted by yours truly (to self lol), or by friends and family. First off, my first pair of Adidas Ultraboost! (Stella McCartney in clay red) in size 4.5, on sale and notified to me by one of my friends. I was given a pair of red Beats headphones by generous friends who claimed they didn’t have any use for it. Third off, this Nordstrom leather jacket I’d been pining after for about two years- it was finally on sale during Black Friday and I saved over $100, although it was still quite pricey. I bought myself all the Yesstyle products I had in my favorites just as an impulse buy, and these included a Gudetama make up sponge, a cover up mask, a Shu Uemura eyelash curler, charcoal toothpaste, etc. #Treatyoself I also received A+ class chocolate and the most amazing German mug ever from my childhood best friends. This mug was my favorite at my neighbor’s house because it’s thin, tiny, and curves outward, which makes pouring and drinking so much easier and funner! I also received more gifts surprisingly. My two friends bought me a portable white noise sound machine and a wine red laptop sleeve I’d been wanting to protect my Mac with! These were on my wish list, and I honestly did not even remember sharing the list. My mom’s friend also dropped off a LADY M crepe cake!! Holy moly, those cost $90, I looked it up. So excited to eat it. Also, I still have my college secret santa gift to look forward to. But finally, most precious of all, is that my parents came home last week WITH A PUPPY!!! My mom fell in love with a schnoodle who is heterochromatic. She looks like a hybrid between a dragon, bat, rabbit, and alpaca. Her name is Moonchie and she is a feisty one ^_^

Miscellaneous: We’re going on a Disney trip soon, and even though there are many things to be worried about, the bottom line is I’ll finally get to try butter beer and see The Wizarding World of Harry Potter omg. I also feel like I have somewhat of a grip on what my goals are, and I’ve outlined them for each day. Just a lot of self-improvement, self-exploration, even as I’m stuck at home. Learn to focus on acceptance of self, being less jealous of others, staying hungry and mindful of said goals. Trying to make the best of it with my time and opportunities to quietly work on SQL, R, Python, and also this International Humanitarian Law course I found on Coursera. Datacamp is also this wonderful source I found. I want to work in data science or analytics! There’s so much to learn, but I actually find it pretty fun to solve each example. I also borrowed some books to read at home that will hopefully give me some fictional fun as well as knowledge. In terms of other issues I’m passionate about, Asian representation is actually existing a tiny bit more these days. Mindy Kaling and Awkwafina are both cast in Ocean’s 8, Jay Park got recruited into Rocnation, and BTS is making waves in the music industry by performing at the AMAs and collabing with other huge artists!

I have so much. Even though most of the time I can’t seem to be able to make myself look at the positives, right now I feel as satisfied and full as the feeling you get after you stuff yourself with a huge meal + dessert. Preferably pumpkin pie a la mode. Or Lady M OHOHO.

I don’t remember if I wrote about this before, but it’s my go-to story whenever a friend who’s having self-doubt or any other moments of apprehension talks to me. It’s a story I tell myself once in awhile to remind myself of my worth, even if I don’t always see it.

When I was younger, my best friend got me into mangas, and my favorite was always Fruits Basket. In one chapter, Kyo is this character who comes off angry but holds in a lot of pain and fear. Tohru is the girl who looks at him in thought, and ponders, “Hm, maybe it’s on his back.”

The way Tohru sees the world is that every individual is an onigiri, and each contains a special ingredient. However, the problem is that Kyo’s onigiri looks at everyone else’s, and is envious looking at the ingredients on their backs, whether it’s salmon, or tuna, or egg. He can’t see his own. He thinks he’s worth less because he can’t see his back.

Sometimes, pretty often actually, I find myself as Kyo, struggling to see what’s on my back. I know some of you are thinking “please, I know what my special ingredient, I’m made of PRIME RIB, wagyu beef yo.” And that’s great. But a lot of us spend a lot of times staring at all the other onigiris’ backs and admiring their special ingredient. So I’m here to tell you that you have something special on your back, and I see it. You are made of worth, you were created unique, and everyone around you can see it even if people might not go out of their way to tell you or admit it to you. I think we could help each other out by being the eyes for each other on what we can’t see.

It seems like marriage has become a prevalent theme in this age where I’ve reached my early 20s.A couple weeks ago, my friend was sending me diamond ring designs she wanted.Everyone is getting hitched these days, whether it be my parents’ friends’ kids or cousins, friends or acquaintances updating their Facebook status to “Engaged.”The appeal of marriage is so paradoxical to me; on one hand, you’re promising to spend the rest of your life happily with your other half, and then maybe you kiss and ride off into the sunset together hand-in-hand.On the other hand, as Aziz Ansari so hilariously and despondently points out, you’re putting a ring on someone’s finger, and telling them they’re stuck with you until you die.i believe in the sanctity of the principal institution of marriage, but let’s face it:it’s fucking terrifying.Are you ever supposed to know 100% that you want to be forever with another individual?Especially as someone who has more unconventional limitations than the rest of the ‘norm,’ will I really ever find a guy who will willingly enter a pact of “in sickness and in health” from the beginning?Let me know if you have any opinions or experiences on this (more in an upcoming post on dating with said unconventional limitations aka… chronic illness (bleh, hate using that term)).

I know there are already a lot of existing memes floating around where women are jokingly distressed about where they are in life in comparison to others.We’ve already accepted the pressure women face from traditional expectations to settle down in addition to the biological factor of doing so in their early 30s while their eggs are still hip and young.So if my soulmate is out there, I’m waiting 😉

But hurry up, because we only have 7 years left before society decides I’m a barren and overripe old hag.Well, I don’t even know if I should have kids.

2. Soulmates

My friend and I got into a really deep, philosophical discussion once sitting in the middle of Smashburgers.I was telling her about a guy I went on a date with, and how we got into an intense discussion about our beliefs:he said that he doesn’t really know if soulmates exist.He would like to believe it, but how does anyone really fucking know?And what if your soulmate died before or after they met you?Then you’re just what, fucked for life?? Coming from a date, this topic was hella bumming me out.I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a hypocrite.While I have the same doubts and questions as him, I wanted the guy to woo me and convince me otherwise, all that romantic shit… whether it’s the brand of bullshit, I really don’t know.

Her answer to that was that some people are not meant to have soulmates.Some people in this world are perfectly happy being alone.

My rebuttal to his question was that maybe there is more than one soulmate designated for each person, and that’s why love triangles can happen.Maybe I just watched too many Korean dramas, or maybe these are just faux-soulmates who cause each other more grief than happiness, but love blinds you.Just because you think you love someone, doesn’t mean they’re your soulmate.Timing is everything:who we are at the time our paths cross, what we’re looking for, where we are located.The idea of soulmates seems to imply that their relationship would transcend all obstacles.

Personally, I’ve witnessed too many failed relationships and prison-types marriages to have too optimistic of a view on soulmates, but the idea is fascinating to think about.

3. My Love Life

Even though I hesitate to quote Woody Allen due to his tumultuous and controversial life with women, I watched Annie Hall awhile back and his rambling monologue in the beginning really stuck to me.

“… originally in Freud’s “Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious,” and it goes like this – I’m paraphrasing – um, “I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.” That’s the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.”

Basically, I want a relationship but I don’t.Does that make sense?It’s not supposed to, because love doesn’t.I think a part of me dismisses most people who like me, because I can’t help but think, “Why?” I question your judgment in liking me, because well, you don’t really know me, all you know is my appearance, so by deductive reasoning, you’re just drawn to the way I look.Is this cynical?Yes.Is there some truth here as to how guys initially pursue girls further?Yes. Do I perhaps have some trust issues and issues in general?Yeah…

My Type of Guy:People have asked me before what my type of guy is.I used to have a weird list of qualities I was attracted to, but they were more about appearance and physical attraction than anything of substance.

1.Slight faux-hawk, gelled up hair in the front

2.Baseball cap backwards

3.Rides a skateboard really well

In college, I slightly expanded on this stupid list.

4.Preferably Asian*

5.Ideally around 5’9”

6.Dorky humor

7.Really sweet smile

8.No chest hair

9.Kind and patient

-*Think Ryan Higa, the famous Youtuber.Even my mom thinks he’s adorkable, which is no easy feat

-*Don’t think I’m racist for having yellow fever, I just prefer Asian guys because I guess they’re more relatable in background and culture

You know what the most hilarious thing was?The actual crushes I have had only sort of match up with this “criteria.”My first crush was a ginger with derpy blue puppy eyes and the cutest freckles.One day in 4th grade, I was struggling to open my water bottle.He offered to open it up for me, so I gave up and handed it to him- of course, he opened it right away.When he caught the look of frustration and disappointment on my face, he grinned and said,

“You did all the work already, I just opened it up at the end.You were almost there.”

I was painfully shy, I probably blushed, said nothing, or stuttered something sassy to cover up how much those words made my heart melt.Post 4th grade, he migrated more and more towards the popular crowd that began the divisive ranks and cliques formed into high school, we said hi less in the hallways, and thereon-forth became strangers.

Probably none of these crushes had chest hair (no way of knowing ohoho), but nevertheless, I had no way of knowing if they rode skateboards well either, and definitely none of them wore baseball caps backwards. In summation, we often aren’t attracted to people we think we like, as a study previously revealed.

The most recent crush I had was so overwhelming I couldn’t get rid of it, it was like a drug.If there was one consistent trait in the way I react to people I like, it’s that I like them for a long time.I’ve had three major crushes at this point that probably each lasted about a year to three.My friend found the cure and helped me wean off of those feelings by pointing out all the reasons she believed he was gay.It worked like a charm!Or at least, 75% worked.

“My love… Saddest moment is when I found out he’s gay. Or a lie I tell myself everyday.”

4. Age Difference

We like to think that we’re one of those open-minded people who see a couple with a large age gap between them, and without any judgment think, “age is just a number.”Don’t lie! I have mixed feelings about it.If you’re both happy,then it’s nobody else’s business.But even someone I know who has pretty liberal opinions said that it’s a little weird for say, a 23-yr old to sleep with a 19-yr old.A 4-yr old difference isn’t huge, but it’s perhaps the fact that it’s someone who is in their twenties vs. teens in which the maturity level gap is pretty big.

I also can’t help but cringe a little when I see a rich, old Hollywood male celebrity with a beautiful young woman hanging off his arm, someone who could easily pass as his daughter or granddaughter.This is such a norm though, and we tend to go after the woman as a “gold digger”, but if it was vice-versa, she’s a “cougar.”Everyone still loves Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney, and God knows who else.

Other Double Standards Speaking of such, when a prominent man cheats, people are quick to excuse, forgive, or forget their deeds.People are willing to overlook the creepiness in which Gandhi approached women, and I’ve seen many others defend Martin Luther King Jr. by saying that it doesn’t negate what they’ve accomplished in other aspects.That is true, but women just don’t get the same pass.Look at the way we go after Amber Rose with pitchforks, slut-shaming her even though to my knowledge she’s never actually cheated.Observe the way we refer to Miley Cyrus as having fallen off the wagon for her provocative style change.

I also think while there are deeply rooted problems in the way we victim-blame or slut-shame, they aren’t as white and black. The only stance I clearly agree with is that no one asks to be raped. Doesn’t matter what vibe you’re getting or what she or he is wearing. Watch last night’s Oscars performance by Lady Gaga and rape survivors; it was heartbreaking. I don’t know why this is so difficult for people to absorb. Let’s put it this way: a guy named Bob who happens to be black wanders into a white privileged neighborhood. Bob gets beaten up by a bunch of white dudes, and then people tell Bob it was because Bob should’ve known better and covered up every inch of his skin beforehand. I hope we are progressive enough in racist issues to understand this analogy a bit.

However, if I had a child, I would still want them to treat themselves with respect, class, and dignity. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with women casually hooking up like many men do, even though I personally would prefer it if everyone just approached such intimate experiences less nonchalantly, but I’m conservative, what can I say. I can’t help but judge others when they act trashy, and this applies to both men and women. I also think it’s a huge turn-off when people mistake arrogance for confidence. It isn’t okay for anyone to look down on others, and we see this all the time in celebrities who then defend themselves by saying it’s female self-empowerment or passion. Please lessen the bullshit in the world.

To my father- who tirelessly works to make sure we have everything we need. Who singlehandedly comes home from work in the late evening, but still has time to run errands, wash the dishes, cook dinner, vacuum the house, watch Jeopardy and Family Feud with me at 7pm, help with GREs, and fill up my humidifier for me before I get to bed. Drive me to Penn Hospital, make my favorite beef noodle soup, and let me nag him endlessly on eating healthier. Who patiently listens to me and tries to cheer me up with punny jokes that are only sometimes punny.

To my mother- who always did her best to put our needs before hers.Who moved to a foreign country to give us a better life, and lecturing us to make sure we knew the value of hard work and discipline.Who would stay up late nights to give back rubs when her child was feeling discomfort or had trouble breathing.Who would make sure they were warm enough every night.

To my brother- who in his own way is there, trying to be there in his own way.Who is a solid role model to look up to by taking care of himself and being successful and independent.Who spoils with Christmas gifts, comes home on the weekend with a birthday cake, makes sure the family is somewhat sane, and who wrote a Facebook post saying how proud he was of me.

To my neighbor and childhood best friend- who played with me despite me being different, who carried my oxygen tank around the playground so we could hang out, climbed Mabel (our tree) and broke her damn arm and didn’t sue me, survived our friendship despite a brief fallout in middle school, tolerated my Korean drama life, and saved me from my darkest hours.Who is goofy, doesn’t give a fuck about others who are rude, has no censorship, and burps the most wondrous sounds.

To my high school best friend- who stood up for me when others didn’t, offered me sanctuary at her house, generously showed off Chicago (Bean and Deep Dish Pizza, ‘nuff said), and genuinely cares.Who is level-headed, intelligent, and kind.

To my college best friends- who fended off Brazilian men who came on too strong (and maybe other dudes) for me, housed me as the 5th roommate, fed me,braced awkward moments with me, listened, argued, encouraged, and comforted, whose willingness to drop me off in front of places so I don’t get sick, carry my heavy bags, Tinder troll with me, debate the meaning of life, tolerate rants and rambles, and accept me.

Thanks.I love you.End sappy letter.

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About Me

I like red pandas and the color orange. This is my stage jolting down thoughts about social and cultural issues, which include chronic illness, physical and mental health, the environment, feminism, race relations. Some in-between personal journaling.
Just wandering around trying to find my niche in the world