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I can't handle my husband anymore

Andi5 wrote:

I've honestly have had it. I am a mother that works from home. I take care of the baby all day, I work at night and in between I take care of the household. I'm not perfect. But I know I do a great job. But I'm always being criticized for the things I forget or can't get to. I'm so sick of trying to be perfect. I had a bad day and night. LO was up at 3:30 for 2 hours due to teething. I was exhausted with a headache all day. I prepared dinner and when DH walked in the door it was "hi, umm don't put the stroller in the truck like that". Then after dinner it was "umm I thought we agreed not to leave bottles with anything in them on the counter". I'm constantly doing for everyone else. I make his lunch and dinner and breakfast. I do the same for LO. I don't have a second for myself. The last thing I need to hear is what a poor job I'm doing. I'm so sick of it. Yesterday I went to a friends child's first birthday. We were all invited. DH told me he's not coming last minute because he wouldn't know anyone but the host. I didn't either. I went alone with my daughter. He went dirt biking. I do everything alone. No support at all. He's so selfish and narcissistic. I feel so trapped. I think I've fallen out of love with him. Need to vent.

Sorry you're going through this. There are times I feel like that and I talk to my husband. He is very understanding, but it isn't always easy to tell him my feelings for fear of hurting his feelings.

I hope you can talk to him about it because it sounds like you're in a pretty tough situation.

Keep being the great mama that you are!

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andi-pants

Oh man, that sucks. Could you suggest couple's counseling? Also, could you write him a letter using specific examples of what he's said/done that has upset you and why? Be completely honest and open about how it makes you feel.

I am a SAHM right now as well with two kids (5 and 11 months). My DH was the same with our first and it caused us to separate. It was a two way street for us, though. Nothing is ever one sided, when you start the conversation, be open to what he has to say (nitpickng about your housework and such is probably what he chooses to do instead of actually talking to you about what is bothering him). With me, it was that I completely neglected my DH after my daughter was born. I was so busy recovering from delivery and learning how to be a mom, that I forgot that DH needs to know that I love him and appreciate him. We both got very resentful of each other and the communication completely stopped. Instead of talking about the things that were really bothering us, we fought over really stupid stuff that didn't matter at all.

Writing letters back and forth (hand written is best but e-mail will do) was the only way we could communicate for a LONG time. Every time we tried to speak to each other, one or the other, or both, would lose their temper and it would degenerate into a fight. The letters opened the door for communication, which led to us going to counseling, the becoming friends again, then dating, then eventually getting back together. This time around has been the complete opposite of how it was with our first. We talk openly about the things that are bothering us and we have defined "roles" (it might not work for everyone and some may call us old fashioned, but it helps us to have specific "jobs" that we always - or almost always - do).

Good luck, and I'm sorry he is treating you that way. Being a mom is the hardest job in the world because it is 24/7. There are no coffee breaks or lunch breaks, no pay, and if your DH works long hours, no coworkers to provide some relief/support. Your DH needs to realize that you ARE working hard every day, he needs to appreciate what you do. That being said, one of the reasons why I started resenting my DH so much was that I got to thinking that he had the life. He was working long hours, sure, but I didn't think about that. All I thought about was the fact that he got to go out of the house, he got to eat out for lunch when he was at work, he got to socialize at work, etc. I thought that meant that he didn't really contribute anything. But, being the sole provider, financially, has its own set of pressures, responsibilities and challenges. He was working hard too, I just couldn't see it.

You nailed it right on the head. I completely understand the pressures of being away from home and being the sole financial provider. He works out of town a lot. But I do everything to make him never feel left out. And he does tell me that.

I have brought how I feel up to him so many times. And he knows he does it to me. We have gone to counselling. This is why I'm not sure how much more I could take. It hasn't stopped. He has admitted how hard he is on me. He's told me he knows when he says something and then regrets it right away. But that doesn't change that he's saying it. It just keeps piling on me and it's hard to just say "oh he doesn't mean that".

After I wrote this I bathed LO and realized I didn't make formula. My stomach sank because I felt like a failure again. He just glared at me. I think that I'm so on edge all the time that it makes me forget things. I'm trying too hard and getting nowhere.

I'm going to suggest counselling again. I'm so beat.

Thank you for your response. It feels good to let it out to those that understand.

It was nice reading your response because I am going through the EXACT same situation right now. I have completely neglected my husband bc I am so busy as a stay at home first time mom taking care of the baby. My husband and I started just coexisting, just living in the same house together. I resented him bc he went to work and he resented me because I let my role as a wife just fall apart. I wrote him letters too bc I think the more we talked/fought the worse it got. We are finally now realizing we can't live this way anymore and are hopefully working hard to fix it. It was nice to read that you guys got back together and are now on the same page w your second child. I felt lost for a while but I really hope my relationship will get back on track w a lot of hard work.

To OP sorry to hijack your post! Your husband needs to appreciate what you are doing at home and nagging you only makes the pressures of being a mom harder. He should appreciate you for what you are doing instead of bringing you down. Maybe counseling is the best option for you guys. I think it might be a good option for us too.

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JLangley525

1) Stop internalizing the BS. You are a great mom. There is so much pressure to be perfect and nobody is and what should matter is that your family is loved and cared for.

2) Say something! Men are super bad at subtlety. Flat out say: When you nitpick on the one or two things I don't do perfectly it just makes me feel like utter ****. I feel like you don't support me and recognize all that I do and I want that to change because it's making me feel alone and overwhelmed.

Be honest about your feelings AND what/how you want the other person's behavior to change. My husband asked me to include what I wanted him to do differently when I talked about my frustrations and when I do, he's gotten a lot better about changing his behavior. It was a simple thing but it's actually caused a lot of positive change in our relationship.

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ewade764

I'm sorry you have this stress on top of normal everyday mom stress. It sounds like he treats you like his child and not his partner. You should not be living in fear of "messing up" it makes me sad that you felt scolded and that you did something wrong for not making formula. You need to stand up for yourself and tell him you are his equal and it is hurting you that he makes you feel less than. If it doesn't seem to sink in then let him know you are serious and want counseling or he will lose you. I wish you the best of luck!

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Andi5

Thank you for all your replies. All great advice. And I've done most of it. That's why I feel beat. Some days are great and lots are not. I just try to focus on lo. I do try to make him happy as well...I want to work at our marriage...it's just so hard to feel attracted to someone who is so negative constantly

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emilieemily

Fwiw, I'm in a totally different situation - working mom, stay at home dad - and I'm irritated with my husband all the time and feel like we've "fallen out of love." In my case, it's just exhaustion and general irritability - so it will pass, as long as we ride it out. Agree that your husband's behavior is a little lacking in empathy. Sounds like he needs to take a turn at home!

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frustrated2012

Might not be the best solution for all, but if it were me, I would completely stop doin everything. Stop making him breakfast, lunch, dinner. Stop cleaning his dirty laundry or picking his **** up off the floor. Maybe then he'll see what you actually do for him. You have 1 child and it sure as hell ain't him.

when he says things like "umm I thought we agreed not to leave bottles with anything in them on the counter" you can answer as a matter of fact, why yes (if u have), so since I've washed the others, you can wash this (these dada), pat him on the shoulder and smile. and remind him he too has 2 arms & 2 legs and can contribute to the care of household chores & baby

There's good days and bad days. I had a talk with him and told him, again, that I feel he is always being miserable towards me. I have examples and he was pretty quiet. He knows what I said is true. I could tell he's trying...but sometimes he still doesn't get the big picture. I don't ask for much, but a little respect goes a long way. I guess he is trying so I am too.

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