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Haveil Havalim Archive

HAVEIL HAVALIMHaveil HavalimBagelBlogger has an archive of the Jewish Carnival Haveil Havalim, which means 'Vanity of Vanities'(or 'Futility of futilities') in Hebrew, check it out, its well worth the journey.

BB: Mr. Claus, I'm going to have to warn you straight away. There's a lot of Christians out there that won't take too kindly to a Jewish Blogger interviewing Santa and allowing Santa to make jokes about J.C.Santa: O.K. I'm sorry, it's just after 2000 years and official advice from the Vatican that the Jews weren't responsible for J.C's death; I thought they might have relaxed a little by now.

BB: Let's move on

Santa: That's what I'm saying.

BB: Err. How is Mrs. Claus?

Santa: Cold

BB: Is that because you live at the North Pole?

Santa: No, She thinks I ignore her all year round, and I only visit her once a year.

BB: Ignores obvious double entente.

Santa: Like, what does she expect? For 364 days I'm absolutely no one, then for 24 hours, I'm supposed to fly around and deliver presents to over a quarter of the World's population then deliver her......

BB: Is it true that Rudolf doesn't actually have a red Nose, that it's actually the rest of the reindeers that actually have a Brown Nose?Santa: mm Yes But I don't like where this is going.

BB: Can you explain to us Santa why the reindeers have brown noses, yet Rudolf who is at the front has a red nose.Santa: It's really simple. Rudolf wouldn't show his appreciation, and that's why he's now leading the pack through the frost bitten skies. The rest of the reindeers have brown noses because well their like the Democrats, they follow, they don't lead.

BB: Ok. Now we've all heard your Christmas Chants, err carols, where did the expression Ho, Ho, Ho come from?Santa: Well its kind of a long story, but let me just say, its not me on that video with Paris Hilton.

BB: So tell us what's with the big red suit?

Santa: Well it's hardly going to be a small red suit

BB: How do you manage to carry all the toys for all the children in your sack?

Santa: It's a very big sack.

BB: Where are the Elves this year? Have they been helping you?

Santa: The Elves received redunacy pay outs, they were superflourous to our needs.

BB: That doesn't sound much like 'Christmas spirit'

Santa: Christmas Spirit has changed this year. Its now sold in the bottle.

BB: You're selling Christmas spirit in the bottle?

Santa: Yes it comes as a special cellar 6 pack.

BB: Why couldn't you envision the elves in your future plans?

Santa: You try running a business with a 110 elves running around going ompah ompah diddle do. The costs were killing us.

BB: What extra costs were incurred?

Santa: All the Elves wanted disability parking

BB: and this couldn't be accomodated?

Santa: They all have Lear jets.

BB: Is it true you refused to deal with the Elves and their Union?

Santa: It was a simple demarcation dispute. The Elves had left the Christmas Workers union and joined the Tranport Workers special section for Elves. Their union is now called the Twelves. The twelves demanded more pay on account of Elves being smaller and therefore specialist workers. We just couldn't afford the pay increases, especially the bribes.

BB: mm. Lear jets for elves,.. Have you thought about updating your sleigh?

Santa: Sure I get one Job a Year, and I'm suppose to blow it all on some import that offers better fuel economy.

BB: Are you saying that Santa's sleigh is actually petrol driven and not driven by Reindeers?Santa: Let's just say, Reindeers make cool coat racks.

BB: Ok so a new sleigh isn't an option, what about Pimping up your Sleigh?

Santa: Sure, we had a corporate deal organised this year, the sleigh was going to be renamed K_fed's Sleigh. Then it fell through.

BB: What happened

Santa: On its first test flight it crashed and burned, it was horrible

BB: Why not call it Britney Spears Sleigh

Santa: Because Mrs Claus said she was Santa's Sleigh.

BB: Is Mrs Claus the jealous type?

Santa: Lets just say, how would you feel if your man went visitn Christmas eve and gave a billion woman exactly what they wanted?

BB: I've heard a rumor that you were formerly a Coke Ad?

Santa: I deny it. I've never been a coke addict. It's not true. My nose has always been red and bulbous, ask Kate Moss... and all that powder found in my Sleigh, that was Snow.

BB: Er Santa, I meant a Coke Advertisement.

Santa: Oh, sorry about that, no I didn't need to advertise, every one knew I was the biggest in the business.

BB: What was the secret to your success?

Santa: Getting in early and offering home delivery. You know that Pixy Stix [Wizz fizz] stuff you had as a kid?

BB: Err yeah

Santa: It's not wiz fizz it's Columbian Snow.

BB: Are you saying you've been sereptiously feeding Coke to the nation's youth?

Santa: Only if they don't inhale.

BB: What do you think about criticisms leveled at you that you're just an over inflated failed coke ad that has managed to commercialize a Christian day of rememberance?In actual fact you have sold out the very essence of what Christmas was all about.Santa: Show me the Money!

BB: When you're busying Ho Ho Ho - ing do you ever think, hey some of these people might not appreciate your values and culture being rammed down their throats.Santa: No

BB: Do you have a position on Walmart discontinuing the expression 'Happy Holidays' and replacing it with the politically incorrect Merry Christmas?Santa: Yes. I do have a position with regards to this. My Position is that I'm accepting of all faiths and cultural sensitivities. I'll let any one sit on my lap as long as they spend their money in my store.

BB: Want about people of Jewish Faith? Do you think they want to be continually greeted with Merry Christmas?Santa: Since when did what the Jews want matter?

BB: Ok, Well what about the over 1 billion Muslims, surely they have a right to an opinion?Santa: Yes they do, of course, that's why the U.N. favors them and the Arab league over the smaller Nation of Israel.

Santa: Unbelievable. So there's more than one guy called Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?

BB: Let's move on, What does he want on his wish list?

Santa: He keeps singing this weird song. He keeps going on about the 12th ...

BB: The 12th Day of Christmas?

Santa: No the 12th Imam. He told me not to say anything, but apparently when he was at the U.N. not only did he see an aura over peoples heads, he also felt like he was on top of a pony riding it.

BB: Whoaaah. That's weird

Santa: You're telling me. The guys a few sparkles short of tinsel. You know what he said he wants for a present?

BB: Enriched Uranium?

Santa: I wish, that would be easy, since the Russians started offering radioactive meals as standard on their Business class flights, it has never been easier to transport it.

BB: Ok What does he want?

Santa: A State Funeral

BB: A State Funeral? Is he dying?

Santa: No he wants a State Funeral for Israel.

BB: Ok let's address a few other things Santa.

Santa: Sure

BB: Some people infer that the whole concept of Christmas has been reduced to a rather shallow consumerist frenzy.Santa: I disagree

BB: About the Consumerist Frenzy bit?

Santa: No about the reduced bit. I've grown 6 waist sizes in the last 10 years alone.

BB: Have you thought about losing a bit of weight?

Santa: What for?

BB: So it would be easier to slide down Chimneys

Santa: Roars with laughter. You actually buy that Crap?

BB: Well no, I'm Jewish

Santa: You're Jewish? What do you do for Christmas?

BB: Interview over weight Fat guys.

Santa: Oh,

BB: Now it would be amiss if I didn't ask you how you manage to seemingly be at many locations at once.Santa: It's really Simple actually. There's one real Santa and thousands of body doubles.

BB: Am I talking to the Real Santa?

Santa: Well if you're not Mrs Claus is not going to be happy.

BB: What's your impression of Christmas Tree Jews?

Santa: There much like people who describe themselves as half Jewish

BB: Sorry I don't follow?

Santa: Well, it seems to me Christmas Tree Jews basically want to hedge their bets. They've got a foot in the Jewish Camp and a foot in the Santa Camp.

BB: Why?

Santa: If you ask me its pretty smart, you go around telling all your friends your Jewish, so you get to leave early on Fridays, because your Jewish no one at work expects a Xmas Present but due to political correctness all your colleagues buy you a 'Happy Holidays' present...

BB: mm. Ok. Why do you chose to live at the North Pole?

Santa: Because it stops the door to door salesmen.

BB: You get lots of door to door salesmen?

Santa: No, unless you include Mormons?

BB: You get Mormons at the North Pole?

Santa: We used to, until we started inviting them in and giving them milk and cookies.

BB: Why did they stop after Milk and Cookies

Santa: Milk and Cookies are the names of our two Siberian Timber wolves

BB: I'm getting the feeling that you're not always striving to be politically correct Santa?

Santa: Look at it from my perspective for a change.

BB: Sorry?

Santa: All Day long I get absolute Brats saying to me I want this and I want that and I want this.Then they either vomit on me, pull my beard or start balling at the drop of a hat. All through this I'm supposed to smile for the cameras, then, you tell me I'm not always Politically correct?

BB: I didn't realize it was so hard being a Shopping Centre Santa

Santa: Who said anything about being Santa, I'm talking about representing myelectorate.

BB: You're in Politics?

Santa: Of course

BB: But you only work one day a year?

Santa: and?

BB: What do you think of US politics?

Santa: If it was up to me I'd give ex US Presidents, the Santa remedy

BB: What's that?

Santa: You send them to a really cold desolate place and hear from them once a year. They expresses their opinions, they copy and plagiarize material for a book, and all this then reminds you why you didn't vote for them in their last election.

BB: Are you speaking about any particular US president?

Santa: Only the US President who couldn't differentiate between scr#wing the Public, Interns, and the truth.

BB: Did you ever think he didn't have Sexual Relations with that Woman.

Santa: I think he was trying to express the truth but got seriously confused.

BB: Please Explain

Santa: Well when he said he didn't have sexual relations with that woman what he really meant to say was he had sex with every other woman.

BB: Alright Santa, its getting late and the time is drawing near. There's one thing I've always wanted to ask you.Santa: Yes

BB: What do you get for Xmas?

Santa: Mrs Claus gives me a little something.Last year it was shot gun pellets. They still hurt.

BB: Mrs Claus Shot you ?

Santa: and swore if I ever came home three days later, drunk, smelling of perfume she would make sure I never got to deliver any presents out of my sack again...

BB: I think we'll leave it there Santa.

Original Written by BagelbloggerFor other 'Season' humor try: Jewsmas.com

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mmmm Ok If you're a Jihadist then I live in a dark cave, in remote tribal lands cursing the heat and the flies. If you're one of the rest of US, then I'm just an average guy, doing average things, hoping to make people smile.

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