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Friday, 7 December 2012

Economy Drive

“Oh, how are you Nigel?I’m just having a good rake about.I know I had a lottery ticket lying about somewhere and I can’t find it.It might have fallen on the floor under my desk”

“Is it a winner Convener?”

“I’ve no blooming idea Nigel – but I’ve got to find it because there’s only eight hours to go!”

“Eight hours to go?To go to what Convener”

“Eight hours to go until I can’t make a claim on it.Did you not hear the news?There’s a jackpot ticket worth £64 million out there somewhere and if it’s not claimed by eleven o’clock tonight - then it’s ‘tatties o’er the side’”**

“Tatties? Convener”

“Yes, tatties – you know - po-tat-oes, pommes de terre.And, if that ticket’s not found before eleven o’clock, thenthe ‘pommes de terre’ will be right ‘dans la mer’.”

“Oh, whatever you say Convener, but what makes you think that you’ve won it?”

“I don’t know Nigel, but I’ve got a feeling’ in my waters that something good is coming’ our way.Last week I won a raffle at the Sports Moray Awards and twice this week I found 20p in the coffee machine.Things are definitely looking up!!

“But Convener, the missing lottery ticket was sold in Hertfordshire six months ago – how on earth could you be the winner?”

“That’s as maybe, but I’m not taking any chances.With a hole in the budget like we’re going to have, £64 million is worth scrabbling about on the floor for.”

“Convener – I fear you’re going to have to be more realistic and look at other ways of saving money.I see you have a meeting tomorrow in Edinburgh – have you ever thought about Video Conferencing?”

“Video – what?”

“Video Conferencing, Convener.It’s a way of attending a conference without actually being there.”

“Waait a minute.Attending without being there?Are you having me on?I’ve been at plenty meetings with folk that are ‘not all there’ but at least their bums were on the seats!How can I be there and not be there?”

“Well, you’re image will be there and the other members of the committee will see and hear you because you’ll be connected to the meeting through a video link.”

“What, like the telly?”

“Yes Convener, although you’ll actually appear in a box on a large screen along with other members who are Video Conferencing”

“Oh!I see – like Celebrity Squares.Does Terry Wogan run it?”

“No Convener, this has nothing to do with game shows or Terry Wogan.It’s simply a way of saving time and money”

“Well I’m all for that.Sign me up – Scotty.Just one thing though.”

“What’s that Convener”

“I want to be in the top row!”

“I’ll do my best Convener, now what about some other savings.Christmas cards for instance”

“Oh don’t mention Christmas Nigel!I’m doing my best to ignore it, but it’s right on top of us now.I even got one of those Christmas cards where they give you the whole story of their life over the past twelve months.”

“Oh yes Convener – a Round Robin”

“Yes, whatever!But the one I got doesn’t bob along!It’s from some woman boasting about Lucinda winning the gymkhana and Torquil ‘finding himself’ in Kathmandu.What’s that got to do with me?”

“Yes, well these annual updates do tend to guild the lily somewhat.But you could do something similar in your Blog – you know, a short, to-the-point, resumé of your first 6 months in the Convener’s chair”

“Get away with you!.You’d be better getting Roddy Burns to do that – he’s short and to the point!Look, there’s not been much o’ a festive feel about the last 6 months and I don’t want to put the dampers on what’s left.Maybe I’ll leave that to the New Year”

“So no official Christmas cards this year then?”

“No, Nigel – this is another belt-tightening opportunity.Have you seen the price of stamps?50 pence for second class!It’s a liberty. 50 pence is ten shillings.When I was at College I could have a first-class dinner and a good night out for ten shillings - and now all I can do is send a begging letter!My granny could……”

“Please Convener – If you’re going to bring up your granny again I feel it’s time to leave.But before I go - remember those 20p’s you found in the Coffee machine?”

“Yes - oh, don’t tell me they were yours!”

“No Convener – I believe they were your change!!”

“@@()*^&!!”

**Tatties o’er the side:-A Doric colloquialism inferring that a stage has been reached when there is no turning back from a course of action.Believed to have arisen from the practice of jettisoning vegetables from fishing boats when a decision has been made to return to port.The subsequent absence of provisions prevented further prevarication on the matter.See also “Ba’s on the slates”