Sunday, 27 March 2016

A letter of apologies

I think this will be my last ever post so I wanna use it to apologize to the people who mean the most to me, these words are truly form the bottom of my heart.

To Vikki- I'm sorry for all the mistakes I made when we broke up and when we were together, I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you and made you cry, I'm sorry for pushing you to the point of doing things you didn't want to do, I'm sorry for not understanding you and still pushing you to do things you didn't feel comfortable doing, I'm sorry for seeking attention from other people when you weren't there to comfort me, I'm sorry for making you feel ugly and worthless, because to me your the most beautiful girl in the world, I'm sorry for making you think all other girls came before you, no girl has ever come close to you, you were always my number 1 priority, I'm sorry for shouting and getting jealous when you spoke to men, I'm sorry for becoming ill and blaming you for not supporting me, I'm sorry I cried on the phone when I found out you were talking to Tyler, I'm sorry for not wanting you to talk to him, I'm sorry for wanting you in my life and texting and ringing you all the time, I'm sorry for getting mad when you ignore me, I'm sorry for needing you, I'm sorry for not being a better parent to your kids, I'm sorry for chasing you and turning up at your door when I know you just wanted to move on from me, I'm sorry for dragging you down with my problems, I'm sorry I couldn't provide for you, I'm sorry for all the shit you had to put up with off my friends and family, I'm sorry for dragging you into my fucked up life, I'm sorry for not being the person you want me to be and fucking up our relationship, I'm sorry for all the times I stayed when you asked to me to go, I'm sorry for not letting you grow and meet new people and lastly I'm sorry for falling in love with you.

To my mum- I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through when I was young, I'm sorry for the drink, drugs and all the times I lost it and smashed your house up, I'm sorry for the times the police came to your door, I'm sorry for lashing out when we fought, I'm sorry for all the stress I put on you by not going to school, I'm sorry for all the times I cut myself and you had to see me bleed, I'm sorry for all the times I tried to overdose and you had to comfort me and take me to hospital, I'm sorry for all the times I blamed you for my dad not wanting me, I'm sorry I ruined the one relationship that you might have been happy in, I'm sorry for blaming you for the abuse I suffered, I'm sorry for not being stronger when you had cancer and finally I'm sorry for putting your only son in prison.

To my sister Lynzie- I'm sorry I wasn't old enough to help you with your kids, I'm sorry I wasn't old enough to stop your boyfriends hitting you, I'm sorry I wasn't well enough to look after your only daughter and because of me you only see her twice a month and I'm sorry for talking away the only person that really knew you.

To my sister Tylah- I'm sorry for wanting you to be a boy, I'm sorry for being jealous of you when you were a baby, I'm sorry for not protecting you properly but he promised he wouldn't hurt you if I done what he said, I'm sorry for being jealous that you had a dad, I'm sorry for all the times you had to see me kicking off when you were young, I'm sorry for all the times I made you cry when I tried to kill myself, I'm sorry for fighting with mum and I'm sorry you had to see me hurting all the times when me and Vikki split up.