Helping kids handle criticism

Jupiterimages/Tribune Media Services

Jupiterimages/Tribune Media Services

Wendy Donahue, Tribune Newspapers

Learning to accept criticism and evaluate one's behavior empowers a child for life.

Wise parents help their children — not with false soothing, distractions or praise — but with probing observations, Stott said. For instance, you might say, "I noticed yesterday that Sally didn't want to play with you. Do you have any ideas of why that might be?" With some guidance, the child might respond, "It could be that Sally is having a bad day. Or it could be because I didn't share."

"This helps the child see that they could do something about it," Stott said. "If you can own up to your own mistakes, it ultimately gives you more control because you can then fix it. It's paradoxical because it's painful, even as an adult, to think, 'I said something I shouldn't have said.' On the other hand, actually knowing that is better than doing it again."

3 smart approaches

Instead of crowing about happiness, family psychologist Aaron Cooper suggests planting seeds that bloom into kids' happiness. Here are three:

Promote optimism. How? Teach children that mistakes are the best teacher. If they err, criticize only the behavior. Such as: "It's not OK to hit the dog." Not "You're a bad girl for hitting the dog."

Use a friendly or neutral voice when you criticize. "If we use a sour tone, it doesn't matter what our words are, the tone conveys 'bad child.'" Match your tone and words, as in, "You know, Mary, it's not a good thing to hit the dog, not a good thing at all. It hurts the dog."

Ask them to critique your behavior. Ask, "What do you kids think about how I'm handling the situation?" If they criticize your behavior, set the example of staying open by saying things like, "I'm going to think about what you said. Thank you for offering your opinion." That shows them the way to respond is to not run out of the room but to give it consideration.