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Thursday, June 30, 2011

I Would Switch Hit for These Ladies

I know lots of women have a Freebie Five list of famous men they would bang hard and fast, but I thought I would change teams for the evening. I haven't a clue if it's normal for a woman who normally drives stick to fantasize about bushwhacking for the day. (Obviously there was that one evening in college, but I blame the Goldschlager.) Meh. It's a little late in life for me to start worrying about normality now.

My Top Five list changes often. Part of that has to do with being the ADHD poster girl (Was that a butterfly?), but some of it is not entirely my fault. I'll see a beautiful woman and think, "I would tap that in a millisecond." Then I hear them speak and I'm out. (Scarlett Johansson, I'm looking at you.)

Here's my list as it stands now. Please don't tell me if you know any any idiotic things they've said. I really don't have time to reorganize my list. My time is better spent stockpiling photos of pretty people. You know, in a non-creepy way.

KStew. Obviously. She's got the whole package — pretty face and hair, legs for miles and an ass you could bounce one of those giant Sacagawea dollars off of. I would hit that so fast her head would spin. Call me, Kristen. And keep the shoes on.

Emma Stone. I had to IMDB her to make sure Chris Hansen wasn't going to show up on my doorstep. What am I doing here, Mr. Hansen? Just ogling Emma Stone and wondering if she'll come play in my Zombieland. Er, wait. That didn't come out right. (P.S. — If you haven't seen Easy A, do yourself a favor and buy / rent / steal it immediately.)

Amy Adams. I have loved her forever. She already had my heart long before Enchanted, but I fell super duper, extra giant lesbian-in-a-heterosexual way in love with her in Sunshine Cleaning. The girl can act and she's gorgeous to boot. Bitch.

Idina Menzel. We are totally going to make out. If I could figure out how to make out with her while she serenades me, she would need a protective order against me. True story. Her voice is insane. She shouldn't be allowed to have that kind of talent and those kinds of looks. It's not fair to the rest of us.

Kristen Chenoweth. She is my all-time biggest crush ever. Everything about her is adorable. I want to carry her in my pocket forever and ever. I have no clue how a voice that big comes out of a person that small. I would marry her if I thought she'd have me. We could have crazy, wild monkey sex, Kristen. Bring the pie.

My last two crushes are related. I may or may not have a fantasy about an epic three-way. Bring the costumes. Let's get Wicked.

Now is your chance to make me feel normal. (This will be a new feeling for me, so I'm a little anxious.) Do you have any unexpected crushes? Lay your cards on the table. Keep your hands off my women, though. I feel very... protective of them.

I have a big ol' L Word crush on Judge Judy. (I'll wait while you wipe the vomit from your chin) Seriously, it's a thing. I would love to be verbally abused while she is wearing the robe. Judy takes my top five spots, but any hot pocket starring in the movie I'm watching is spank bank potential.

Ok...It's no secret around our house that I have a pension for undressing the similar gender. Chicks are hot. It's nothing I can deny. But my list? Kristen, Emma, Mila, Jessica Biel, and Idina. I am died when these chicks are on my screan. DIED.

KStew for sure---I've always thought she was unique and pretty in her own special way, but lately, she's just freaking HOT, no matter what standards you measure her by. The pics from her at the Glamour UK awards and then the pics from the LAFF at Chris Weitz' film premiere---smokin'.

I had to chime in because OMFG I am a huge Emma Stone fan. HYOOOOGE. Ever since I saw her in Superbad, I've loved her. I hope fame doesn't fuck her up because I think she's going to blow up big time. I can't wait to see The Help.

I'm a little hurt because I was sure TK said I was on her list, but whatever. My list is probably a little more... seasoned than most of yours, but for now, in no particular order, it includes:Tina FeyKate BeckinsaleRachel WeiszAngie HarmonAlicia Silverstone (gotta have 1 blond)PS - Ashley Greene is totally back on the list as soon as she erases the memory of Joe Jonas.

Women's bodies are so beautiful when you look at them objectively. It's like sex personified, but usually when they talk they usually ruin it all. Does that mean I'm objectifying them? Probably. Oh well.

Kstew makes me gag a little, but that pretty little brunette with glasses and sans fake boobs at the strip club my hubby took me too last weekend would work for me. Youza.

Oh I have a lot of girl crushes! I think Anne Hathaway is beautiful...even if her eyes are a little far apart. Deborah Ann Woll from True Blood....she plays Jessica, fucking sexy red head. Amanda Palmer, lead singer of the Dresden Dolls...but I would make her shave her armpits first. Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman...but only if we have a threesome. Oh and Salma Hayek...she has really nice boobies lol

Yeah, I'm incredibly late and a piss-poor blog follower these days. It's unacceptable, and I vow to do better.Now, on to the important stuff; my female five. It was tough to narrow it down, even though I can't even come up with 5 men for a freebie list. In no particular order,Kate Winslet, Idina, J Lo, Mila, and since I just watched a clip from Forks, I'm going to have to add @AllTwiedUp.

It's so funny that people are still posting on this. I was just thinking yesterday that I completely forgot to add Kat VonD. She's so frigg'n hot I can barely stand it.

A few of years ago (just before the second season of LA Ink started) when the family and I were in Hollywood we looked up where her shop is and walked so I could see if I could catch a glimpse of her. Of course she wasn't there, but one of the shop managers came out and chatted with us for a few minutes. I still think of that day fondly *sigh*

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