Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Worse Winner

About a year ago, my good friend J moved out of state. Her going away party was held at a location about 90 minutes from my home. The party was wonderful. Getting to the party, not so much.

The drive to the party had me and the boy* trapped in my car for an extended period of time and going to a new (difficult to find) location with confusing directions. I was driving. All in all, it was a recipe for disaster.

We were late to the party.

J knows all of this. What she DOESN'T know is that the drive was one of the more traumatic experiences of my life. The "getting lost" part would have been okay if not thrown on top of an already volatile situation. The volatile situation? Well, it was finally resolved for good last night.

It began innocently enough with a discussion that became a debate... well, I guess as innocent as a debate can possibly be with an Italian who is always sure she's right. The boy and I were discussing how gender is determined in a fetus. (yes, these are the topics that we discuss in our free time. I never said that we weren't nerds.) I don't remember how the topic came up, but I mentioned that I seemed to remember that all eggs (follicles) are inherently female. That the sperm determines gender. The boy insisted that this was not the case and that the gender is already determined in the follicle. In the absence of any reference material in the car, the discussion became a debate between his memory and my memory. I was at a distinct disadvantage since the last biology class I had taken was over ten years ago when I was a senior in high school (shut it! I was a marketing major!) and the boy had at one point majored in biology**.

You would think that intelligent people would table the discussion until proper reference material can be consulted. Um, no. This debate eventually degenerated until I remember that the boy said something along the lines of "You shouldn't get your biology lessons from Jurassic Park."

The mood at the end of the discussion was still semi-jovial, but strained. It was then that we got lost and things quickly went to hell. In fact, neither of us wanted to reopen the wound after it had closed, so we never actually looked up the answer to the question that we had debated so heatedly.

Last night we were discussing reproduction in my bio class, and damn if I wasn't right. Sperm does determine gender. In fact, testosterone plays a major role in this, which means that all folicles are inherently female.

I made my instructor repeat this last bit of information about five times, and then led the class in an in depth discussion of why this would be. (Think about it - if estrogen determined gender, we would all be female...there's so much estrogen in a pregnant woman's body...) As the discussion wound down, my instructor asked me why I was so happy. I explained the conversation that had taken place over a year ago and then asked permission to send a text message. My request was granted. The text message said:

I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!

Of course, the boy had no idea what the heck I was talking about. I got three text messages in response (all asking some variation of "WTF?") and then two phone calls. I didn't answer any of them - I wanted to discuss*** in person.

At the end of my five minutes**** of calmly explaining my revelation***** (and after first claiming he didn't remember the original discussion... the 'Jurassic Park' comment made him smirk, which gave him away and ignited a fresh round of indignation on my part) the boy resigned to his fate of being wrong with good humor. He said, "Being right makes you so happy. Is this your favorite thing ever?"

"Of course not," I explained to him. "There are many more important things in life."

I then proceeded to contemplate the important things in life - like dating a gracious loser when you're a bad winner, and vice versa.******

*The masses have spoken. "The boy" he was, and "The boy" he shall remain.**Of course, I believe the boy at one point majored in everything that Purdue University offers, so that should be taken with a grain of salt.***And by "discuss" I mean crow and wave my hands around in grand illustrations of just how right I am.****True story.*****By "calmly explaining my revelation" I mean bursting through the door while singing the "I am right" song and doing the "I am right" dance.******Of course, in that scenario, I am always the "Bad loser" and the "Worse Winner." We should just canonize the boy now. We don't have to wait until death.

I've always felt so sorry for those poor women who were beheaded or killed back in the "old days" because they failed to provide their husband's a male heir. Little did the men know, it was all their damn fault to begin with!

I am pretty sure that my hubby just shoots X-chromosome spermies. I think we are destined for all girls!