Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Cabernet in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wineAnd those who don't and are alwaysSeen with a bottle of water in their hand:As Ben Franklin said:In wine there is wisdom,In beer there is freedom,In water there is bacteria.In a number of carefully controlled trials,Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink1 liter of water each day,At the end of the year we would have absorbedMore than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria Found in feces.In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However,We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer(or rum, whiskey or other liquor)Because alcohol has to go through a purification processOf boiling, filtering and fermenting.Remember:Water = Poop,Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,Than to drink water and be full of Shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:I'm doing it as a public service

Life is short! Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, & never regret anything that made you smile! The happiest people don't have the best of everything...They just make the best of everything they have

Sunday, December 16, 2012

This came from the blog of the senior pastor at the church I work for. I thought it was interesting.

Sandy Hook Elementary School Reflections

Yesterday when I became aware of the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School I wanted to share a pastoral response. I wanted to tell you everything will be alright. I wanted to give you words of encouragement. But that all seems to miss the mark. I've waited 24 hours to share a couple of thoughts with you. I kept waking up in the night thinking about these things. So here is my pastoral reflection for you. First I would remind you that the purpose of life is NOT to arrive safely at the grave. Our responsibility as parents is not to merely deliver our children to teenage years and then to adulthood. And then safely to the grave. Our responsibility is much greater than that. We have the opportunity to instill courage and compassion in our children. We have the opportunity to instill faith in our children. We are able to help develop our children into a life constructed on faith rather than fear. So I encourage you to resist the natural inclination to hold your children closer than usual and try to protect them from anything that could harm them. I encourage you to take your children with you when you go out today. I encourage you to take your children to Sunday School and Church tomorrow. I encourage you to see your children off to school Monday like you would had Sandy Hook not happened. Certainly we are responsible for the safely of our children. Never put your children at unnecessary risk. We know that. But the purpose is building people of faith not delivering people safely to the grave. So live your life fully and faithfully and show your children how to do the same. Secondly I mention the idea Timothy Merrill - editor of Homiletics (a preaching journal I read) - put forward. This is the third weekend in Advent. We will be lighting the Advent Candle of Joy this weekend. He suggested we might want to leave the Joy candle unlit, or perhaps light a "grief" candle. This is not a bad idea. I have given it some thought. But I choose not to follow this suggestion. We have been reading a scripture from Isaiah 9 this month. "The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in gteh land of deep darkness a light has dawned." (Isaiah 9:2) Christmas really is about more than tinsel and giving presents to one another. Christmas really is about God coming to our world. The Lord - Jesus Christ - the Light of the World - entered into a dark, sinful world. The Lord brings redemption to us. So rather than leave the Joy Candle dim I choose to light the Joy Candle and remind us again that Jesus has come to our darkness and sin to bring Light. Jesus brings to our darkness and sin Hope, Peace, Joy and Love. We will go on with our Choir cantata this weekend. We will sing and worship the Lord. I encourage you to look to the Light of Christ as we walk through these days of darkness. Remember all those families affected by the events of Sandy Hook. We pray God's Light shine into their (and our) darkness. Steve

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Garage DoorThe boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up... He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door...'He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

An elderly gentleman.....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted hedidn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, soas not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Hi Sweetheart, Hi I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights. I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something. I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy. All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season. Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights! I took the time to hang the lights for you today; and now I will be off to the hockey rink. Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday. I'll be home later. Love you..Kenny

_____________________________________________

Her response -

Hi Honey,Thank you for that heart-felt apology. I don't often get an apology from you, and I truly appreciate it.I, too, felt bad about the argument and wanted to apologize. I realize that I can sometimes be a little pushy. I will try to respect your feelings from now on.Thank you for taking the time to hang the Christmas lights for me. It really means a lot.In the spirit of giving, I washed your truck for you; and now I am off to the mall.I love you too!Angela

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Where did my 4 days off go? We have had great weather in till Friday and it got cold real cold, glad this will be our last winter in cold weather. (plans in Jello)

The plan is next fall is to possibly go work Amazon in Coffeyville, Kansas and then head for warm weather.

This year for Thanksgiving we had no plans and thought we would go to Cracker Barrel for the turkey dinner. But then Angela heard the RV park put on a dinner for the ones staying here and their guest they provided the turkey and ham and everyone brought a dish.

The food started piling up on the buffet table and by the time everyone got there the table was full.

Everyone sat waiting for the magic words come and get it …

All the food was so good and I was to busy stuffing food in the hole in my head I didn’t even take a picture of it.

This is the first year Angela didn’t have to cook the dinner and she said she loved not having to do it and all the clean up.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

If you don't send this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!