Friday, November 18, 2011

Trying to be perfect and trying to appear perfect are serious struggles for me. I don't like many of the things I do, so I brush them under a carpet and pretend they aren't there. I worry what people will think of me if they know about my shortfalls. I know I am not alone in this, but I still hate to admit flaws in my nature. Usually admittance of a flaw is followed by an explanation, or let's face it, an excuse or justification. If I'm wrong as a one-off, I find it easier to admit and deal with than if I am facing an ongoing struggle.

I kind of feel this desire right now to admit a few things about me that I'm not proud of. I know that my issues aren't 'The Biggies' (I'm not addicted to heroin or a cheating wife), but they are things that make me feel less good about myself. They are things that I try over and over again to correct but still end up doing or being. All right, here are some examples, with no excuses attached...

Okay, I had to throw that last one in because I was starting to feel a bit too vulnerable there! Although frankly, I am embarrassed to admit I don't clean my toilet every day, because I really should.

But there, now that I've admitted a few things about myself, I can now stand in front of you and say, 'I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. I would like to be perfect one day but must just hope that the Bible is true, and I will one day be made perfect like Christ, because I can never be perfect here on earth.'

But I will keep trying. And my hope is that by admitting a few things, I might be taking another step in the right direction.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

This post has been split into 2 parts. For ease of reading, I've put Part 1 second so that it will be read first. Something to do with Matthew 20.16 or something maybe.

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Time for that once-a-month post!

(And that's really stretching it, because I hardly post once a month.)

But let's talk Christmas. I usually talk Christmas at least once a year here at the dying-a-slow-and-painful-death "Scott and Lori" blog.

Next week is Thanksgiving, and usually I wait until after Thanksgiving to get all Christmasy. But this year, I'm going to America for Christmas (yay!), and so I feel like I'll be missing some exclusive Christmas time in the house because of it. Therefore, I want to put up my tree NOW.

But Scott says no. *Pouty face.

That hasn't stopped me from watching only Christmas DVDs and listening to Christmas music. The current rotation in the DVD player has been Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, Nativity!, A Christmas Story, and Garfield's Holiday Collection. Still to come out are A Nativity Story, It's a Wonderful Life, and Charlie Brown's Christmas. Not to mention Dora's Christmas and Peppa Pig's Christmas. In the CD player, I've been enjoying the Nativity! soundtrack and Glee's Christmas soundtrack. Gotta get out my Absolute Christmas compilation, and I must Must MUST find my all-time favourite - PlaySkool's Christmas Lullabies! Have the case, but the CD's not in it!

Scott says I can put up the tree next week. I'm very excited. We will then get to enjoy it for four weeks before hopping a plane and flying home for the first Christmas in 8 years. Eight Christmases ago (not counting this one to come), I was living in an apartment with Ingrid and Amanda, eagerly awaiting the arrival of my boyfriend Scott from Scotland who was coming the day after Christmas to see me. He arrived, and a week later told me he wanted to marry me. That year, I spent Christmas with my mom and dad and brothers and their girlfriends.

This year I'll be spending part of Christmas with my mom and new step-dad and step-brother and step-sister, and the other part of Christmas with my dad and new step-mom (but not my three step-sisters and one step-brother). I will also be spending it with one brother and his wife, but not the other brother. I will hopefully be going to visit my brother-and-sister-in-law and two nieces as well. What a change it will be.

I have never met my step-mom and have only ever met my step-dad in a context outside step-family. I have never seen my mom or dad with different people. In fact, I've never seen them apart. Both have come to visit separately since their divorce, but I've never been in my childhood home without both parents there. I've never had to do the divorced thing, time with one parent equals time with the other. I hope both parents recognise that upon visiting their homes that very first time, and meeting their new spouses that first time, they are going to need to let me retreat quietly to another room for a moment to shed some serious tears. What a weird, surreal experience this all will be.

I am looking forward to my trip, and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone, and seeing my house, and having Christmas with my actual, biological family. But I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with so much change at once. I can't wait to meet my brother's new baby, and I look forward to seeing my Texan nieces and family, and there's even a tiny chance I might get to meet my new Georgian step-siblings. And I'm looking forward to meeting my new step-mom and step-dad and all those step-siblings and step-nieces and nephews that are attached to them. But I'm just not looking forward to seeing my little family all broken up and patched up so differently from how I've always known it and how I always believed it would be.

So much innocence gets lost when you grow up.

Growing up really, truly sucks. Having your foundation cracked and crumbled right from underneath you really sucks.

But I suppose that's when all these wise people say you really become stronger. I don't know anything about construction, but I suppose having to rebuild your foundation and building it according to your own specifications and needs probably indeed gives you something firmer to stand on for the future.

****Ha. Tricked you with that happy and joyful Christmas music crap didn't I! I kinda tricked myself too... I didn't sit down to write anything sad and depressing, I genuinely started out just wanting to beg Scott to let me put up the tree now! So that's why I've split this post into two parts. Enjoy one, and then don't enjoy the other very much.

about the blogger

lori arnold mcfarlane

is a blogger and author living in Arkansas.

When she's not writing, working or herding her three children and asshole cat, Lori enjoys quietly reading (any book will do), drinking hot tea (milk, no sugar), exercising (sometimes) and when the notion hits, sewing, baking or crafting.

All opinions on this blog are entirely her own, and can and will probably one day be used against her in the court of law. Or in an attack ad, should she ever run for public office. They do not reflect the opinions of her employer.