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I never used to think of myself as an anxious person; I pride myself on being perpetually upbeat and cheerful. So the first time I couldn’t catch my breath and my hands went numb, I thought I was suffering from a degenerative disease.

Now that I’ve been diagnosed with chronic anxiety, I usually know a little better what’s going on. When I’m packed onto a subway train like a sardine in a tin and start to get lightheaded, I go straight for my trusty bottle of Klonopin.

But sometimes I’ll just be going about my business like normal when suddenly my palms start sweating and my mouth goes dry. It might take me a while to figure out that something traumatic has occurred and triggered my anxiety: for example, someone might have left me a voicemail, or been noncommittal about plans. These are the times I wish I could hand out informational pamphlets to my friends and family: How To Deal With Elizabeth’s Anxiety. In lieu of doing that though, here are 17 things every anxiety sufferer wishes you understood. (The last one is the most important one.)

1. We don’t always know how to ask for help.

2. Sometimes just sitting quietly with us is the best thing you can do.