As a relationship coach I help singles who are at different stages of their journey. Many of my clients come to me at the end of a relationship, when they are stuck in the desperate “why has this happened to me?” cycle. They need to get over an Ex.

Getting over someone is never easy. You were in the relationship because you valued something or many things about it. If it ended unexpectedly, this is even harder. The objective is to get over your ex and to heal your heart as soon as possible in order to find someone who is a far better match.

Unfortunately I am not able to wave my wand to take the pain away instantly. Healing takes time and is a unique process for each individual. This confusing state of sadness and pain is tough, and only you can decide how long you are going to stay in this state, and when you have had enough. This will happen when you need to get into a place where your happiness and sense of comfort are greater than your pain and grief.

It is not always possible to get closure on a relationship when it ends, especially if an ex cuts the contact. You will need to find this closure yourself, and I would like to give you three tips that will help.

1. STOP LIVING IN THE PAST

It is vital to stop believing that the past was better than the present. When a relationship ends we tend to let the fantasy about the past lead us believe that everything was happier, better, more fun, and without it we are nothing.

Looking back it is clear to see that your relationships that ended probably had a great beginning. There was the “stuff” that happened in the middle, and then there was “the end”. If you look at it objectively and honestly, you will notice that it wasn’t always a bed of roses. Stop talking about the past as if it was.

2. SOME RELATIONSHIPS AREN’T MEANT TO LAST FOREVER

Unfortunately some relationships do not have what it takes to go the distance.

Not always forever

The fundamental thing to understand is that you learn so much about yourself from every relationship. There are always good and bad memories. Everything you experienced was valuable. It could be that you have learnt what work you still need to do on yourself. Perhaps you are more aware of your insecurities or aspects of communication that need more work. You may have discovered what you really do not want, and what you really do want in a future relationship.

Knowing that there is a purpose to every relationship is the first step to this awareness. As we become more introspective and dig deeper, this is clear to see. When it becomes clearer, you will feel more grateful for the time you had together and everything you learned about yourself. As you do this it’s easier to get out of the pain cycle.

If the relationship really was the right one, it wouldn’t have ended. One important fact I have learnt over the years of working with hundreds of clients is that there is ALWAYS another opportunity to find love again, and you will end up with someone who much better suited to you. I have seen this happen time and time again, and I have proven it in my own life when my relationships have ended.

Believe and trust that where you are right now is exactly where you are supposed to be.

3. SPEND TIME HEALING AND NURTURING YOURSELF

The grieving process is not for the faint-hearted and requires you to be gentle with yourself as you heal your heart again. This is the time to nurture your body, mind and soul. Make sure you are feeding your body and giving it the nutrients it needs at this stressful time.

Take time out

Take care of yourself and to put your energy into what makes you feel happy and fulfilled. Get involved in activities and focus on being present to stop the ever-circling thoughts in your head. Accept invitations to go out with friends who raise the bar in your life and who make you feel supported and loved.

Do not be tempted to rush out into the dating world again. It is possible that if you do this before you are ready that you will end up comparing your ex to everyone you date. You will know you are ready for a new relationship when you wake up loving your life and the space you are in.

Take the time now to do some soul-searching and find the part of yourself who is comfortable with being on your own.

http://www.shelleyjwhitehead.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/shelley-j.whitehead.jpg10241024Shelleyhttp://shelleyjwhitehead.com.gridhosted.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/SJW_Logo_RGB.pngShelley2017-04-27 14:20:192017-07-31 08:05:09How To Get Over Your Ex

A few days ago, Caroline contacted me on Facebook with a huge dilemma. She has been dating her boyfriend Max for six months and although they have an enjoyable time together, her gut feeling was that he isn’t “the one”. When she has suggested that they take a break, he always convinced her otherwise.

She enjoys the things they do together and there is great chemistry in their relationship, however there are a number of red flags for her; he reacts very jealously whenever she speaks to anther man., he consumes more alcohol than she is comfortable with and she doesn’t feel prioritised in his life.

Caroline was looking for more clarity about her feelings as she feared making a mistake, either by staying in a relationship that wasn’t beneficial for her or leaving a relationship that was possibly worth keeping.

CONSIDER THIS
The one thing I am certain of after being in relationships myself, dating and coaching the many who have passed through my practice, is that it is vital to always listen to your gut feeling. It’s generally when we don’t listen to our gut or intuition that we make the emotionally and financially costly decisions in a relationship.

Many women, for whatever the reasons, stay in a relationship that is not right. It could be fear of being alone, fear of the financial uncertainty or hanging onto a relationship because there is great chemistry and very little else.

A deeper and long lasting relationship needs much more than chemistry to sustain it. You need to share the same values. Compatible values determine sustainability in a relationship.
You need a deeper connection to be part of the firm foundation to take you into a future together. Connection means that you feel safe in your relationship, knowing you can trust your partner, a sense of belonging and finally you know your partner has your back and you have his back.

How you communicate, and work through issues is another one of the keys to relationship success.

As I stated earlier, listening to your intuition – that gut feeling, is probably your best compass in navigating the path of going into a future with someone, or not.

Here are my top reasons to terminate a relationship:

THREE REASONS TO END YOUR RELATIONSHIP:

1.

The challenges and obstacles you encounter far outweigh the fun. We want to experience fun in our relationships and if it’s hard work all the time we begin to dread being together. Dating a man in a new relationship shouldn’t be difficult. If it is, it’s time to end it.

2.

You have different values and want different things from life. If you are into wheatgrass and he’s into cocaine, you clearly have different values. If you are want different things in life, it’s time to end it.

3.

There is nothing to look forward to. The relationship is not growing and you are merely existing in a space but not sharing. Your partner is not open to getting help to work with you to grow the relationship or blames you for this – it’s time to end it.

BE BRAVE:

It takes courage to step out of a relationship that isn’t right into the uncertainty of being single. After clearing your space you will be ready to attract in the wonderful partner who will make your life sparkle
I encourage you to be brave and strong enough to walk away if you are experiencing the above three reasons and find the delight with another partner who is better suited to you.

When you love yourself more, you do not settle for less than you deserve.

http://www.shelleyjwhitehead.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/When-To-End-a-Relationship.jpg16722508Shelley Whiteheadhttp://shelleyjwhitehead.com.gridhosted.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/SJW_Logo_RGB.pngShelley Whitehead2015-12-02 18:15:472017-04-27 13:33:38WHEN TO END A RELATIONSHIP

“He said he loved me and now he’s gone – after four magical weeks – it felt like I had finally met my partner for life. What happened? I just can’t understand it”

The question above from a heartbroken new client who met the most amazing man and they got together. He completely disappeared after four weeks – no call, no text, no message.

Why does this happen?

The quick answer is because the relationship was based entirely on chemistry. It didn’t have the legs to go the distance and when the chemistry wore off for him – he had to flee. He didn’t feel the same anymore and didn’t have the courage to face this lovely woman and let her know.

If you want a relationship to go the distance you need to take your time to get to know whether this man is really wanting the same thing.

DO NOT get intimately involved too soon. If he really wants a committed relationship – he will be happy for you to take your time to get to know him. It is vital to have the 4 C’s – and Chemistry is just the beginning. Compatibility, Connection and Communication are vital to the success of your relationship.

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