You're out of the woods, you're out of the dark, you're out of the night. Step into the sun, step into the light. Keep straight ahead for the most glorious place on the face of the earth or the sky. Hold onto your breath, hold onto your heart, hold onto your hope. March up to the gate and bid it open...

Friday, December 31, 2010

Thanks again to all who never gave up on me these last five months, whether by active cheerleading or supportive patience - lots of reading and pondering has convinced me it's not about the "trying" but about the "being"... so I will try (ha!) to *be* more accepting of myself, in whatever form, in the future...

Time did march on since mid-July (my last wrenching post) and below is a recap of the "life before my eyes" in that abyss of emotional floundering - I would like to say I feel better now... and I do... but I also am more prepared to handle the ups and downs of the journey. Mixed Nuts, a really lame movie we watched Christmas Day with the exception of some amazing character actors (Madeline Kahn among them), had a great piece of dialogue:

"Just remember that in every pothole there is hope. Well, you see, pothole is spelled P-O-T-H-O-L-E. So if you take the P, and add it to the H, the O, and the E, and rearrange the letters... or contrariwise, you remove the O, T, and the L, you get "hope". So, just remember, in every pothole there is hope!"

:-)

Amen and blessed be - so... Top Ten Past Events, Good and Bad, to Close Out 2010:

10. I did go to Falcon Ridge this July, as I missed the 2009 festival due to Mom's illness/passing - it was amazing to reconnect with friends and music I only experience in person once a year, but are with my cyberly daily...

9. August 5 brought my 56th birthday - I can't even remember what I did, but I do recall telling everyone I didn't need presents, as I really already had everything I wanted...

8. After putting Mom's house on the market mid-April, we signed it over to buyers late-August - closure is always bittersweet and, sad as it is to think we've metaphorically and literally closed that door, we've also moved forward with our lives while keeping the memories...

7. My sister hosted a what-would-have-been-Mom’s-80th-birthday party in mid-September, attended by new and old neighbors as well as other friends - more bittersweetness ensued, as we celebrated someone who always celebrated life...

6. I experienced a personal and professional dream-come-true as I hosted the amazing Dar Williams in early-October at the concert series I've coordinated for the last six years - the evening was a success on so many levels (musical, emotional, financial) and I am beyond blessed. Photo of commemorative tattoo, a few minutes after inking, above - love and thanks to Kristyn... :-)

5. Terry, a friend from book club and the gym, discovered she had ovarian and stomach cancer, and there was only a month from diagnosis to her death on November 14 - it still doesn't seem real and she is much missed...

4. After being with his company for 25 years, the week before Thanksgiving my husband received pre-notification he's being let go in mid-February (they're outsourcing his role to another country) - rather than operating from fear, we are belt-tightening where we can but also thinking positive (along with networking his many resources) that there is something better out there for his talents and experience...

3. In mid-August, I finally got serious about a weight loss program and, as of mid-December, have lost 40 pounds - I look great, feel terrific and, after successfully maintaining through the holidays, will take off another 10 or so to get to goal as well as peace of mind...

2. For the last 10 years (since my mom's second husband was killed in a car accident in March 2000), each Christmas we have traveled to South Carolina to spend time with my husband's family and Georgia to see mine - it has been rewarding but also exhausting and expensive, and this year we made the conscious decision to stay home. We resurrected old traditions (put up a tree and over-decorated) and made new ones - we of course missed being with extended family but actively embraced the holiday in our own home for the first time in a decade...

1. Tonight we will go to a party (home by midnight to honor our champagne-in-the-jacuzzi ritual) and tomorrow finds us hosting a New Year's Day Open House - my wish for 2011 for myself and my friends: inspirational music, thought-provoking literature, heart-based camaraderie and awareness/intention to appreciate and enjoy!

It hit her, crossing the border into Ontario. The drive from Ann Arborhad been grey and wet, the rain coming in fat drops,metronoming her windshield wipers. She'd settled into her seat,like she'd done for the past 5,000 miles, reached for a stick of gum,adjusted the radio dial, checked the battery on her cell phone.

The landscape into Windsor was flat, almost featureless,though the bridge had been magnificent, a real piece of architecture,the cables long and taut as ballerina legs.But the strip malls greeted her cheerlessly,the sky empty of welcome. She drove on, having filled upon gas at her departure. Finally, the cornfields reappeared,barns and silos rising out of the land again, and the firsthints of autumn announced themselves in the distant trees.

Maybe it was this particular rain, or that somehowcrossing the border had carried her even further from home,or that the season's temporal beauty - so splashy now -would tumble into certain bleakness and cold, but out of nowhere,she gave the steering wheel a fresh earnest grip,wanting to hold on to whatever it wasthat was letting her go.

And yet, she realized it was time, her own muscles tiredof engaging only to leave her heart frayed so thin.The exchange was untenable, staying rooted to a past that charmedand even, occasionally, soothed, but no longer fed.

She had opted for the country road on her wayto the big city, but soon it became clear this wasn't a dayto get lost. The road required an oddly painful slowing. Constructionand idle drivers kept interrupting the steady pressure of her footagainst the gas pedal. The single lane made it difficult to pass.

And though she preferred these roads, their changing scenery andunexpected finds, she saw the delay they would cost her journey,and with reluctance, she returned to the highway's swift efficiency.

There is no easy way to cleave the heartfrom loving. It does what it does impiously, inopportunely,uncalendared and unseasoned. What she carried with her she gavewith a lack of deliberation, discretion, scurryingto greet every opportunity to add to the pile.But the act of filling had not made her full.

Instead, she was twitchy with worry. Emptiness and sorrowhad attached themselves to her most joyful, generous gestures.She knew something in her was flagging, losing steam and grace.She knew she could not puppet this theatre any longer.

The road was wide and clear. Somehow, the rain seemed lessrigorous here, and she turned off her wipers in timeto see the city rise into view, skyscrapers pushing into the clouds.It would be a lie to say that she was healed, heart full as an udder again.But I can tell you she was precisely where she needed to be, evenin her brokenness, and she would know where to gofrom here.

QUOTE: “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” ~ Theodore Roosevelt

4 comments:

I know... crazy, isn't it?... and beautiful (now that the swelling's gone down) - I asked Libby W. (from the Dar-list) for help with the proper notation (since she's a music teacher)...

I'm a little nervous to show it to Dar... but I know she'll understand, since the lyrics are from my favorite song of hers... the one that got me started listening 15 years ago - it was also a delight to present her, so people could see we have a reciprocal relationship, as opposed to me being a stalker (although the tattoo might give that theory credence, eh?... :-)

Vincent took a picture of it when he was here earlier this week, but I made him promise not to post it anywhere - all my ink is symbolic (the one around my wrist is my china patter, with my wedding date... 9/18/76... embedded), and this one means more than words can express...

Happy New Year and love to you - come to Falcon Ridge 2011 (all the cool kids are doing it... <3 )

So thankful for this...I was on my page, getting ready to "new post"...kind of an "ugh" experience, truthful as I hold myself to be- 2010 was a fruitful year. (Trouble with it, too much of the fruit rotted on the vine!) But, I'll be off now to sum it up and heave much of it into the compost pile!

(And I love that you marked yourself...may I share something then?!)-

Beauty~

Engraved over my heart,Beauty- a blue roseand a vineintertwining.Necessary-totally and completely necessaryto feel the sharpnessof the tooltatooing me with a legacymarked by yellows and bluesseeping injust underneaththe surface.

I told him if I cryit won't be from the hurtof his needle dipping in and outand under my skin."Understood",he says.(I am as hardened as the marblethat holds your epitaph-your essence.)

Thanks for sharing this with me - so beauty-full. I have six tattoos and every single one of them means something to me - they are each a symbol of a person or event that changed me... and I felt the need to mark the occasion (and myself) with permanency...

I am working my way backward through your blog, getting to know you slowly and out of order - we do have much in common. Danny Schmidt? - enough said... :-)

Language or the Kiss

"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words." ~ Goethe"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." ~ E. B. White

"Every day I walk out into the world to be dazzled, then to be reflective." ~ Mary Oliver

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see." ~ John Burroughs

May I Suggest

Woman of Heart and Mind

I'm a committed-to-aging-well, unable-to-do-anything-in-25 words-or-less, ruby-slipper-wearing eternal optimist, attempting to figure out the circuitous journey I call my life: where I've been, where I am, where I'm going and who will be my traveling companions, continued or new.
In my 5+ decades on this planet, I've realized that change is not necessarily worse, just different; I've learned that saying "I don't know" has become incredibly liberating; I've intuited there is no such thing as perfection (whether it's a seashell or another person); I have become less demanding and more forgiving/flexible by the relaxation of my guidelines; and I've figured out that, even though I'll always be an Instant Gratification Leo, sometimes delaying the reward can heighten the pleasure, too.
I am more discerning to minimize the negative influences in my daily dealings (while still understanding the importance of moral obligations), and attempt to surround myself with people, activities and things that bring me joy - I want to make every glorious moment count... and I'm committed to making this world a better place, One Day At a Time...

"Common Cool, he was a proud young fool, in a kick*ss Wal-Mart tie." ~ Dave Carter, Ordinary Town

"Just before our love got lost, you said, 'I am as constant as a Northern Star', and I said, 'constantly in the darkness, where's that at? If you want me, I'll be in the bar.' " ~ Joni Mitchell, A Case of You

Eight Days a Week

Who Knows Where the Time Goes

What's So "Punny" 'bout Peace, Love and Understanding?

All You Need is Love

Across the Universe

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, copyright 1952

Four Strong Winds

The Four Agreements

Everything we do is based on agreements we have made - agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible. One single agreement is not such a problem, but we have many agreements that come from fear, deplete our energy, and diminish our self-worth."

In this powerful book that has remained on The New York Times Bestseller List for over five years, don Miguel Ruiz reveals the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering. When we are ready to change these agreements, there are four deceptively simple, yet powerful agreements that we can adopt as guiding principles. The Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love.

1. Be Impeccable With Your WordSpeak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything PersonallyNothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make AssumptionsFind the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your BestYour best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Optimistic Voices

I was all out of choices, but the woman of voices, she turned round the corner with music around her, she gave me the language that keeps me alive, she said: "I'm so glad that you finally made it here, with the things you know now, that only time could tell, looking back, seeing far, landing right where we are... aren't we aging well?" ~ Dar Williams