Adult Continuity Presents: Porno Pikachu pt 2: Gotta F*(% ’em all!

Now, Sukiaki I’ll have you know that this is a respectable school filled with nubile young women with a rainbow assortment of hair color and skirts short enough to get a glimpse of panty if you more fast or the wind blows. Also there are a vast array of calmly looking boys with big, perfectly coiffed hair and pants tight enough to tell the size of their manhood if you girls move at all or, frankly, if the wind blows.

Now, as the principle, I have to oversee this seething cauldron of sexual awakening, awkward humor and freakishly oversized eyes and not have an incident where any of you end up pregnant or possessed by some weird body horror demon! Believe me I had a situation at my last school where the entire female volleyball team was ravished by demonic tentacles that rose up out of the ground! Now true, it was discovered that one of the girls was possessed by the ancient demon Churroborg. It was released upon this plane accidentally by an ancient amulet the girl found and true; all of them were saved by the Super Light Force with the hyper mega light attack but that was still a professional embarrassment for me!

What I’m saying is can’t you kids go back to capturing cute little monsters and make them fight against their will with each other? That was so much nicer and there was only the occasional fire, water or electric damage and no rapey octopus stuff. I understand if you have to transform into some oversexualized superhero/french maid getup and battle a cosmic witch in bondage gear. You kids are into that these days… I don’t get it… I don’t get Cardi B either. I just want my students safe so maybe take it down to the boba cafe on Ashley street, ok?

Good, back to your studies. I’ve got a lot of paperwork to be honest including this thing where I review adult parodies and talk about how close they adhere to the original subject they’re “parodying”. I don’t want to see anymore tentacles, understand? And for god sakes keep it in your pants.

“Gotta fuck em all!” a henti import redubbed by Adult Source Media. As far as geek departments go; one area I am sorely lacking in is being up on anime. This may have to do with my age, I was watching Star Blazers, Battle of the Planets and Speed Racer as a kid. Now those are better known by their original Japanese titles Battleship Yamato, Gotchaman and… well, OK… Speed Racer! Point is I don’t know why there is a “Battle on Titan”, “One piece” is a bathing suit to me and “Fate/Stay night” could be the next Billie Eilish single for all I know.

But I do understand tropes! And this dvd, which sells itself as a Pokemon Henti, which… you know HAS to be a thing… is really a Sailor Moon henti knockoff.

Or half of it is. The other half is probably a Naturo or something or other knock off. There is very little in the way of Pokemon tentacles, penises or boobs which is good for my mental health but kinda sucks for this ostensible Porno Pikachu theme.

Ah hell, fuck it; if I decided to strictly adhere to my self-imposed parameters I’d be talking about an Axel Braun Parody or some Z-list direct to internet “Parody” with the budget of $69.95. Besides this being my first foray into Henti I’m not going to let anything as simple as making sense get in my way. Neither is proper spelling of these characters names for that matter.

Dovetailing off that comment we have “Gotta fuck ‘em all” where the closest thing we got to a pokemon is a some teenage boy (Sasuki) who transforms into a cute pink Pikachu like standard anime creature for no explainable reason. He’s the companion/friend/spirit guide/sidekick (all with question marks) to a virgin teen girl (Jihia) who can transform into a Sailor Moon type hero. Oh yeah Sasuki is trying to bone Jihia for obvious reasons. Outside of that the story is pretty non-existent; Sasuki, in teen boy form, engages in sexual escapades with other girls. Other girls, predominantly dressed in french cut gym shorts, flirt with boys. There is a loose network of Sailor Moon type characters which appear for no real reason except maybe to taunt the low powered Jihia.

Ok, whatever.

I’d be utterly perplexed by what is (or isn’t really) going on if not for two reasons: 1 – It’s “porno” so you don’t need much outside of “nice shoes, wanna fuck?”

2 – I know enough about anime tropes to know that this is hip fuckin deep.

So I can follow. That doesn’t mean that I want or need to.

It’s not very interesting and seeing cartoon characters bone… It works for me about as well as seeing those anime character sex pillows in little Tokyo. Which is to say it doesn’t at all.

Here’s where it gets odd: the next chapter has a whole other group of characters unrelated to and most likely occupying a completely different universe than those in the previous chapter.

A few stock characters are around a forest campfire, one of the girls has a yellow blobby thing thing on her shoulder that talks cute. There is a lone warrior type that sits off from them (Janette). There is also a couple out in the forest boning. This couple consists of a big boobed purple haired girl and a guy named, I’m not kidding here, Keith. In short order bandits kidnap the lone warrior woman, the purple haired girl uses Keith’s semen (termed “Fluids of an ancestor of Shadow Blade”) to resurrect a demon, the other girl with the yellow goo friend channels ancient powers to stop the resurrected demon. There is no real explanation for any of this to exist.

Once again there is no narrative preamble for ANY of this an either relies heavily on the viewer knowing the tropes or not caring because of heavy rotating anime boobs. Who is Keith? Aside from the fact fact that he’s baseline porno horny and he’s a descendant of “Dark Blade” i got no clue. Why do all his friends disappear except for the yellow blob thing and the voyeur in the bushes in the next chapter? What, if anything, does he have to do with Jihia and he gang of raging hormones?

If you were inclined to watch it I’d say turn down the volume and crank some death metal. I think the whole cocktail of sex, demons and barbarians would go down a lot smoother that way.

To add confusion the next story goes back to the Sailor Moon rip off. Jihia still hasn’t put out for Sasuki. He claims that she can’t reach full French Maid superhero potential until they have sex. How I wish I had this line when I was a teenager. I don’t know if it would’ve worked but it sure would’ve been cheaper than dinner and a movie.

Then rape zombies attack.

Yeah, rape zombies, that old henti chestnut rolled out.

Jihia almost succumbs to the assault but because she connects with Sasuki with “true love” she sailor moons out and defeats the rape zombies.

Then her and Sasuki (in human form not cute anime thing form) bone and all is good.

Ummm, in truth there is a coherent narrative throughline for Jihia and Sauki’s story. It’s based on complete nonsense and carries little dramatic weight but it’s there. I still have no idea how any of this relates to Keith and his erotic adventures and, in truth I’m sure neither do the people at ASM. One thing for sure is that there is no pokemon sex stuff going on. Sorry to have misled you but “gotta fuck ‘em all” was weird enough to comment on.

Things tangential to the main story but I couldn’t fit in organically.

Yes, I know Billie Eilish’s music. I got an 11 yr old daughter. So I know who Marshmello is too.

Ok, I could be into seeing either Mai Valentine of Tea Gardner from Yu-Gi-Oh get down. So I guess it’s all relative.

Also Faye Valentine from Cowboy Beebop.

I always harbored an idea that Faye was a descendant of Mai and Joey from Yu-Gi-Oh.

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About The Author

Born to a hot dog themed performance artist and an animated extra from Scooby Doo, Michael Colbert had a typical life till, as a kid, he started reading comics and discovered Star Wars and Doctor Who. After that any hope for a normal life went out the window.
Splitting his time between Southern California and an alternate plane of existence where waffle cones are the dominate life-form Mike writes stuff; his Cyberpunk/spectral comic series Crazy Mary, short stories and now for the sinister forces of FanboyNation. He also carries heavy things for the film biz and worked on such geek-tastic shows as Babylon 5, Firefly, Buffy the Vampire slayer, Chuck and Torchwood – Miracle Day all while harboring an irrational fear of anthropomorphic food.