Private investigator's phone hacking shame: 'I haven't been arrested'

53 year old private investigator Phil McKenzie spoke of his deep shame and remorse about not being arrested for phone hacking.

Clearly emotional, Mr McKenzie admitted that he had no idea how to hack into a phone, and that technology in general baffled him.

'I'm sorry to say that I'm still in the dark ages,' he confessed tearfully to journalists today. 'So phones and computers are completely beyond me. I can just about turn the telly on these days.

'I know I don't have access to all the information these younger investigators have. So that means I haven't been able to listen in to things like Sienna Miller's fascinating calls about what she bought at Waitrose, or Jude Law arranging to buy another car, things which really matter to the general public and sell papers by the lorry load.

'I mean, all I've managed to find out recently by my plodding, old-fashioned methods is where Shergar and Lord Lucan are, why Rafa Nadal won't play at Wimbledon next year, the identity of the Queen's secret love child, and who Nick Clegg is blackmailing so that he remains leader of the Lib Dems. None of which anyone is remotely interested in, judging by the newspapers.'