Alice, How Do I Tell My Friends They Can't Stay With Me?

How do I tell my (very close) friends that my apartment is too small for them to stay with me when they're in town?

Sincerely,My House is the Size of a Mouse

Dear My House is the Size of a Mouse,

Exactly like that! You say they’re your “very close friends" so you can be honest with them. Something along the lines of “I love you guys and I can’t wait to see you when you’re in town but my apartment is just not big enough to have guests” is all you need to say. Then — and this is the key — change the subject. There’s no need to hem and haw or make excuses. They’re your friends. They like you for so much more than the free lodging you could provide so tell them the deal and then move on to talking about all the fun things you’ll show them about your town.