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SEATTLE—Introducing the latest seasonal drink to its menu, Starbucks announced Monday that the company is now offering a new lukewarm coffee to help ease customers’ transition from iced to hot beverages.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to assist victims still struggling from the devastating effects of Hurricane Maria, the Trump administration announced Monday that it was sending 30 million nothing to Puerto Rico.

SYRACUSE, NY—Saying Americans squandered the valuable resource on a massive scale, a study released Monday by Syracuse University found that flushing toilets wasted billions of gallons of piss and shit annually.

THE HEAVENS—Charging the supreme being with felony reckless endangerment, heavenly authorities placed the Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, under arrest Monday for leaving His children trapped in an overheating planet.

MINEOLA, NY—Ashamed anew with each new thought that entered his consciousness, local man Paul Bridges reported Monday that he was filled with embarrassment about every opinion that he has ever articulated.

BEAVER DAM, WI—In an effort to justify the recent set of executive orders the president signed earlier this week to dismantle the Affordable Care Act, exhausted Trump supporter Phil Holt reportedly just decided Friday that massive cuts to healthcare subsidies were the reason he voted as he did.

NEW YORK—In a groundbreaking new study published Friday in ‘The Journal Of East Asian Studies,’ a team of leading historians has proved that meditation originally spread from ancient China because a single, highly annoying monk went around telling everyone how much it had changed his life.

NASHVILLE, TN—A new report published Friday by researchers at Vanderbilt University revealed that 17 new species of bacteria are discovered every day during expeditions into the lush plastic foliage of the world’s Rainforest Cafés.

BOSTON—Deciding against putting out the money to hire a service, local man Dylan Curtis reportedly told friends Friday that he was probably just going to move apartments by renting a U-Haul and having a nervous breakdown.

Head To TheOnion.com To Redeem Your Winnings

‘If There Were Any Lingering Doubts, Rest Assured We Do Not Need Them Shown To Us’

WASHINGTON—Explaining that anyone with any lingering doubts could rest assured that the answer was an unequivocal “no,” women across the nation on Thursday clarified that they harbor no secret desire to see any of their colleagues’, acquaintances’, or complete strangers’ genitals.

STANFORD, CA—Having no choice but to discard the partial and unusable results, researchers at the Stanford Center for Sleep Sciences and Medicine were forced on Thursday to scrap yet another sleep study after participants were murdered in their dreams by a serial killer.

George Washington laid the cornerstone of the White House 225 years ago this week, and the building has undergone almost constant change and renovation since then. Here’s a timeline showing how the White House was built.

My Son And His Friends Will Never Find My Secret Playboy Stash

I consider myself to be a good, responsible father. I put a roof over my children's heads, I'm always willing to sit down and help them with their homework, and I make sure to keep my titty magazines in a location so ingenious that my teenage son stands no chance of ever stumbling upon them.

I've been a reader of Playboy for nearly 20 years and, while I haven't held on to every single one—who really wants to see the Nancy Sinatra issue once your initial fascination has been sated?—I have amassed quite a collection through the years. (I also have a 2001 Club International and an old Hustler magazine stashed away for when I want a little less left to the imagination.) I am an adult, after all, and if I wish to look at these magazines, which I have purchased with my own money, then that is my business.

As my son grew older, however, and the stack of tantalizing adult erotica on my bedside table got taller, I decided it was time to secrete them away to somewhere more discreet to avoid any chance of my boy's tender young eyes accidentally falling upon the sweat-glistened flesh and sand-covered bosoms, throwing him into a state of utter confusion.

But choosing the right location was not easy. Playboys are flat, and since I do most of my masturbating in bed, it seemed natural to put them under the mattress. Only it's a little impractical when you're dealing with 37 magazines. Even if you spread them out so there's one uniform layer, what are you supposed to do when you want to get to that Ginger Spice centerfold that happens to be right in the middle of the collection? Do you upend the whole mattress at the risk of your son coming into the room at that very moment? I should say not! I'm a far better father than that.

Of course, the whole exercise begs the question: Why would a 14-year-old boy want to see a Playboy anyway? By any account, today's youth already have plenty to attract their attention, what with television and video games. There is simply no reason to invade my personal space merely to glimpse the supple curve of a woman's breast or her scarcely concealed vagina. But the adolescent mind is riddled with curiosity, and one can never be too careful.

So I journeyed on toward the underwear drawer—a realm so private and removed that no full-blooded teenager would ever have reason to venture within its intimate depths. Besides, I have faith my son would never break the sacred trust we have, no matter how sensual the possible rewards. Even if he did, he'd have to carefully rearrange everything so I wouldn't notice anything was amiss, and teenagers are just too clumsy and thoughtless to be able to do that. Still, I thought better of it.

Then the perfect spot came to me in a flash: behind my guns. If anything is unwelcoming to a young man, it is firearms. What could possibly portend danger more? Just the intimation of violence would put my son off. Plus, I only have one key to the gun cabinet, and I keep it atop the refrigerator, next to the snacks, where he'd never find it. Alas, when I tried this, the magazines were plainly visible.

I ruled out the basement as too prone to moisture, above the drop ceiling in the basement as too dusty, and behind his toy box as too inconvenient. I almost buried them in the backyard until I realized that I would experience all three of those problems in one spot. If only I weren't such a good father, I would just leave them out in the open where he could see them.

At last, in the eleventh hour, I discovered a location so clever that they will surely lie undisturbed by all but myself. To find them, he'd have to go into my closet, decide, for some reason, to investigate the top shelf, drag in a chair from the dining room, take down the precious contraband in a box clearly marked "Private," and voraciously consume the carnal bounty in the mere two hours he is alone without supervision before I return from work.