The Innocents Abroad, by Mark Twain

Chapter 34

Mosques are plenty, churches are plenty, graveyards are plenty, but morals and whiskey are scarce.
The Koran does not permit Mohammedans to drink. Their natural instincts do not permit them to be moral. They say the
Sultan has eight hundred wives. This almost amounts to bigamy. It makes our cheeks burn with shame to see such a thing
permitted here in Turkey. We do not mind it so much in Salt Lake, however.

Circassian and Georgian girls are still sold in Constantinople by their parents, but not publicly. The great slave
marts we have all read so much about — where tender young girls were stripped for inspection, and criticised and
discussed just as if they were horses at an agricultural fair — no longer exist. The exhibition and the sales are
private now. Stocks are up, just at present, partly because of a brisk demand created by the recent return of the
Sultan’s suite from the courts of Europe; partly on account of an unusual abundance of bread-stuffs, which leaves
holders untortured by hunger and enables them to hold back for high prices; and partly because buyers are too weak to
bear the market, while sellers are amply prepared to bull it. Under these circumstances, if the American metropolitan
newspapers were published here in Constantinople, their next commercial report would read about as follows, I
suppose:

Slave Girl Market Report.

“Best brands Circassians, crop of 1850, L200; 1852, L250; 1854, L300.
Best brands Georgian, none in market; second quality, 1851, L180.
Nineteen fair to middling Wallachian girls offered at L130 @150, but no takers; sixteen prime A 1 sold in small lots to
close out — terms private.

“Sales of one lot Circassians, prime to good, 1852 to 1854, at L240 @ 242, buyer 30; one forty-niner — damaged — at
L23, seller ten, no deposit. Several Georgians, fancy brands, 1852, changed hands to fill orders. The Georgians now on
hand are mostly last year’s crop, which was unusually poor. The new crop is a little backward, but will be coming in
shortly. As regards its quantity and quality, the accounts are most encouraging. In this connection we can safely say,
also, that the new crop of Circassians is looking extremely well. His Majesty the Sultan has already sent in large
orders for his new harem, which will be finished within a fortnight, and this has naturally strengthened the market and
given Circassian stock a strong upward tendency. Taking advantage of the inflated market, many of our shrewdest
operators are selling short. There are hints of a “corner” on Wallachians.

“There is nothing new in Nubians. Slow sale.

“Eunuchs — None offering; however, large cargoes are expected from Egypt today.”

I think the above would be about the style of the commercial report. Prices are pretty high now, and holders firm;
but, two or three years ago, parents in a starving condition brought their young daughters down here and sold them for
even twenty and thirty dollars, when they could do no better, simply to save themselves and the girls from dying of
want. It is sad to think of so distressing a thing as this, and I for one am sincerely glad the prices are up
again.

Commercial morals, especially, are bad. There is no gainsaying that. Greek, Turkish and Armenian morals consist only
in attending church regularly on the appointed Sabbaths, and in breaking the ten commandments all the balance of the
week. It comes natural to them to lie and cheat in the first place, and then they go on and improve on nature until
they arrive at perfection. In recommending his son to a merchant as a valuable salesman, a father does not say he is a
nice, moral, upright boy, and goes to Sunday School and is honest, but he says, “This boy is worth his weight in broad
pieces of a hundred — for behold, he will cheat whomsoever hath dealings with him, and from the Euxine to the waters of
Marmora there abideth not so gifted a liar!” How is that for a recommendation? The Missionaries tell me that they hear
encomiums like that passed upon people every day. They say of a person they admire, “Ah, he is a charming swindler, and
a most exquisite liar!”

Every body lies and cheats — every body who is in business, at any rate. Even foreigners soon have to come down to
the custom of the country, and they do not buy and sell long in Constantinople till they lie and cheat like a Greek. I
say like a Greek, because the Greeks are called the worst transgressors in this line. Several Americans long resident
in Constantinople contend that most Turks are pretty trustworthy, but few claim that the Greeks have any virtues that a
man can discover — at least without a fire assay.

I am half willing to believe that the celebrated dogs of Constantinople have been misrepresented — slandered. I have
always been led to suppose that they were so thick in the streets that they blocked the way; that they moved about in
organized companies, platoons and regiments, and took what they wanted by determined and ferocious assault; and that at
night they drowned all other sounds with their terrible howlings. The dogs I see here can not be those I have read
of.

I find them every where, but not in strong force. The most I have found together has been about ten or twenty. And
night or day a fair proportion of them were sound asleep. Those that were not asleep always looked as if they wanted to
be. I never saw such utterly wretched, starving, sad-visaged, broken-hearted looking curs in my life. It seemed a grim
satire to accuse such brutes as these of taking things by force of arms. They hardly seemed to have strength enough or
ambition enough to walk across the street — I do not know that I have seen one walk that far yet. They are mangy and
bruised and mutilated, and often you see one with the hair singed off him in such wide and well defined tracts that he
looks like a map of the new Territories. They are the sorriest beasts that breathe — the most abject — the most
pitiful. In their faces is a settled expression of melancholy, an air of hopeless despondency. The hairless patches on
a scalded dog are preferred by the fleas of Constantinople to a wider range on a healthier dog; and the exposed places
suit the fleas exactly. I saw a dog of this kind start to nibble at a flea — a fly attracted his attention, and he made
a snatch at him; the flea called for him once more, and that forever unsettled him; he looked sadly at his
flea-pasture, then sadly looked at his bald spot. Then he heaved a sigh and dropped his head resignedly upon his paws.
He was not equal to the situation.

The dogs sleep in the streets, all over the city. From one end of the street to the other, I suppose they will
average about eight or ten to a block. Sometimes, of course, there are fifteen or twenty to a block. They do not belong
to any body, and they seem to have no close personal friendships among each other. But they district the city
themselves, and the dogs of each district, whether it be half a block in extent, or ten blocks, have to remain within
its bounds. Woe to a dog if he crosses the line! His neighbors would snatch the balance of his hair off in a second. So
it is said. But they don’t look it.

They sleep in the streets these days. They are my compass — my guide. When I see the dogs sleep placidly on, while
men, sheep, geese, and all moving things turn out and go around them, I know I am not in the great street where the
hotel is, and must go further. In the Grand Rue the dogs have a sort of air of being on the lookout — an air born of
being obliged to get out of the way of many carriages every day — and that expression one recognizes in a moment. It
does not exist upon the face of any dog without the confines of that street. All others sleep placidly and keep no
watch. They would not move, though the Sultan himself passed by.

In one narrow street (but none of them are wide) I saw three dogs lying coiled up, about a foot or two apart. End to
end they lay, and so they just bridged the street neatly, from gutter to gutter. A drove of a hundred sheep came along.
They stepped right over the dogs, the rear crowding the front, impatient to get on. The dogs looked lazily up, flinched
a little when the impatient feet of the sheep touched their raw backs — sighed, and lay peacefully down again. No talk
could be plainer than that. So some of the sheep jumped over them and others scrambled between, occasionally chipping a
leg with their sharp hoofs, and when the whole flock had made the trip, the dogs sneezed a little, in the cloud of
dust, but never budged their bodies an inch. I thought I was lazy, but I am a steam-engine compared to a Constantinople
dog. But was not that a singular scene for a city of a million inhabitants?

These dogs are the scavengers of the city. That is their official position, and a hard one it is. However, it is
their protection. But for their usefulness in partially cleansing these terrible streets, they would not be tolerated
long. They eat any thing and every thing that comes in their way, from melon rinds and spoiled grapes up through all
the grades and species of dirt and refuse to their own dead friends and relatives — and yet they are always lean,
always hungry, always despondent. The people are loath to kill them — do not kill them, in fact. The Turks have an
innate antipathy to taking the life of any dumb animal, it is said. But they do worse. They hang and kick and stone and
scald these wretched creatures to the very verge of death, and then leave them to live and suffer.

Once a Sultan proposed to kill off all the dogs here, and did begin the work — but the populace raised such a howl
of horror about it that the massacre was stayed. After a while, he proposed to remove them all to an island in the Sea
of Marmora. No objection was offered, and a ship-load or so was taken away. But when it came to be known that somehow
or other the dogs never got to the island, but always fell overboard in the night and perished, another howl was raised
and the transportation scheme was dropped.

So the dogs remain in peaceable possession of the streets. I do not say that they do not howl at night, nor that
they do not attack people who have not a red fez on their heads. I only say that it would be mean for me to accuse them
of these unseemly things who have not seen them do them with my own eyes or heard them with my own ears.

I was a little surprised to see Turks and Greeks playing newsboy right here in the mysterious land where the giants
and genii of the Arabian Nights once dwelt — where winged horses and hydra-headed dragons guarded enchanted castles —
where Princes and Princesses flew through the air on carpets that obeyed a mystic talisman — where cities whose houses
were made of precious stones sprang up in a night under the hand of the magician, and where busy marts were suddenly
stricken with a spell and each citizen lay or sat, or stood with weapon raised or foot advanced, just as he was,
speechless and motionless, till time had told a hundred years!

It was curious to see newsboys selling papers in so dreamy a land as that. And, to say truly, it is comparatively a
new thing here. The selling of newspapers had its birth in Constantinople about a year ago, and was a child of the
Prussian and Austrian war.

There is one paper published here in the English language — The Levant Herald — and there are generally a number of
Greek and a few French papers rising and falling, struggling up and falling again. Newspapers are not popular with the
Sultan’s Government. They do not understand journalism. The proverb says, “The unknown is always great.” To the court,
the newspaper is a mysterious and rascally institution. They know what a pestilence is, because they have one
occasionally that thins the people out at the rate of two thousand a day, and they regard a newspaper as a mild form of
pestilence. When it goes astray, they suppress it — pounce upon it without warning, and throttle it. When it don’t go
astray for a long time, they get suspicious and throttle it anyhow, because they think it is hatching deviltry. Imagine
the Grand Vizier in solemn council with the magnates of the realm, spelling his way through the hated newspaper, and
finally delivering his profound decision: “This thing means mischief — it is too darkly, too suspiciously inoffensive —
suppress it! Warn the publisher that we can not have this sort of thing: put the editor in prison!”

The newspaper business has its inconveniences in Constantinople. Two Greek papers and one French one were suppressed
here within a few days of each other. No victories of the Cretans are allowed to be printed. From time to time the
Grand Vizier sends a notice to the various editors that the Cretan insurrection is entirely suppressed, and although
that editor knows better, he still has to print the notice. The Levant Herald is too fond of speaking praisefully of
Americans to be popular with the Sultan, who does not relish our sympathy with the Cretans, and therefore that paper
has to be particularly circumspect in order to keep out of trouble. Once the editor, forgetting the official notice in
his paper that the Cretans were crushed out, printed a letter of a very different tenor, from the American Consul in
Crete, and was fined two hundred and fifty dollars for it. Shortly he printed another from the same source and was
imprisoned three months for his pains. I think I could get the assistant editorship of the Levant Herald, but I am
going to try to worry along without it.

To suppress a paper here involves the ruin of the publisher, almost. But in Naples I think they speculate on
misfortunes of that kind. Papers are suppressed there every day, and spring up the next day under a new name. During
the ten days or a fortnight we staid there one paper was murdered and resurrected twice. The newsboys are smart there,
just as they are elsewhere. They take advantage of popular weaknesses. When they find they are not likely to sell out,
they approach a citizen mysteriously, and say in a low voice — “Last copy, sir: double price; paper just been
suppressed!” The man buys it, of course, and finds nothing in it. They do say — I do not vouch for it — but they do say
that men sometimes print a vast edition of a paper, with a ferociously seditious article in it, distribute it quickly
among the newsboys, and clear out till the Government’s indignation cools. It pays well. Confiscation don’t amount to
any thing. The type and presses are not worth taking care of.

There is only one English newspaper in Naples. It has seventy subscribers. The publisher is getting rich very
deliberately — very deliberately indeed.

I never shall want another Turkish lunch. The cooking apparatus was in the little lunch room, near the bazaar, and
it was all open to the street. The cook was slovenly, and so was the table, and it had no cloth on it. The fellow took
a mass of sausage meat and coated it round a wire and laid it on a charcoal fire to cook. When it was done, he laid it
aside and a dog walked sadly in and nipped it. He smelt it first, and probably recognized the remains of a friend. The
cook took it away from him and laid it before us. Jack said, “I pass” — he plays euchre sometimes — and we all passed
in turn. Then the cook baked a broad, flat, wheaten cake, greased it well with the sausage, and started towards us with
it. It dropped in the dirt, and he picked it up and polished it on his breeches, and laid it before us. Jack said, “I
pass.” We all passed. He put some eggs in a frying pan, and stood pensively prying slabs of meat from between his teeth
with a fork. Then he used the fork to turn the eggs with — and brought them along. Jack said “Pass again.” All followed
suit. We did not know what to do, and so we ordered a new ration of sausage. The cook got out his wire, apportioned a
proper amount of sausage-meat, spat it on his hands and fell to work! This time, with one accord, we all passed out. We
paid and left. That is all I learned about Turkish lunches. A Turkish lunch is good, no doubt, but it has its little
drawbacks.

When I think how I have been swindled by books of Oriental travel, I want a tourist for breakfast. For years and
years I have dreamed of the wonders of the Turkish bath; for years and years I have promised myself that I would yet
enjoy one. Many and many a time, in fancy, I have lain in the marble bath, and breathed the slumbrous fragrance of
Eastern spices that filled the air; then passed through a weird and complicated system of pulling and hauling, and
drenching and scrubbing, by a gang of naked savages who loomed vast and vaguely through the steaming mists, like
demons; then rested for a while on a divan fit for a king; then passed through another complex ordeal, and one more
fearful than the first; and, finally, swathed in soft fabrics, been conveyed to a princely saloon and laid on a bed of
eider down, where eunuchs, gorgeous of costume, fanned me while I drowsed and dreamed, or contentedly gazed at the rich
hangings of the apartment, the soft carpets, the sumptuous furniture, the pictures, and drank delicious coffee, smoked
the soothing narghili, and dropped, at the last, into tranquil repose, lulled by sensuous odors from unseen censers, by
the gentle influence of the narghili’s Persian tobacco, and by the music of fountains that counterfeited the pattering
of summer rain.

That was the picture, just as I got it from incendiary books of travel. It was a poor, miserable imposture. The
reality is no more like it than the Five Points are like the Garden of Eden. They received me in a great court, paved
with marble slabs; around it were broad galleries, one above another, carpeted with seedy matting, railed with
unpainted balustrades, and furnished with huge rickety chairs, cushioned with rusty old mattresses, indented with
impressions left by the forms of nine successive generations of men who had reposed upon them. The place was vast,
naked, dreary; its court a barn, its galleries stalls for human horses. The cadaverous, half nude varlets that served
in the establishment had nothing of poetry in their appearance, nothing of romance, nothing of Oriental splendor. They
shed no entrancing odors — just the contrary. Their hungry eyes and their lank forms continually suggested one glaring,
unsentimental fact — they wanted what they term in California “a square meal.”

I went into one of the racks and undressed. An unclean starveling wrapped a gaudy table-cloth about his loins, and
hung a white rag over my shoulders. If I had had a tub then, it would have come natural to me to take in washing. I was
then conducted down stairs into the wet, slippery court, and the first things that attracted my attention were my
heels. My fall excited no comment. They expected it, no doubt. It belonged in the list of softening, sensuous
influences peculiar to this home of Eastern luxury. It was softening enough, certainly, but its application was not
happy. They now gave me a pair of wooden clogs — benches in miniature, with leather straps over them to confine my feet
(which they would have done, only I do not wear No. 13s.) These things dangled uncomfortably by the straps when I
lifted up my feet, and came down in awkward and unexpected places when I put them on the floor again, and sometimes
turned sideways and wrenched my ankles out of joint. However, it was all Oriental luxury, and I did what I could to
enjoy it.

They put me in another part of the barn and laid me on a stuffy sort of pallet, which was not made of cloth of gold,
or Persian shawls, but was merely the unpretending sort of thing I have seen in the negro quarters of Arkansas. There
was nothing whatever in this dim marble prison but five more of these biers. It was a very solemn place. I expected
that the spiced odors of Araby were going to steal over my senses now, but they did not. A copper-colored skeleton,
with a rag around him, brought me a glass decanter of water, with a lighted tobacco pipe in the top of it, and a pliant
stem a yard long, with a brass mouth-piece to it.

It was the famous “narghili” of the East — the thing the Grand Turk smokes in the pictures. This began to look like
luxury. I took one blast at it, and it was sufficient; the smoke went in a great volume down into my stomach, my lungs,
even into the uttermost parts of my frame. I exploded one mighty cough, and it was as if Vesuvius had let go. For the
next five minutes I smoked at every pore, like a frame house that is on fire on the inside. Not any more narghili for
me. The smoke had a vile taste, and the taste of a thousand infidel tongues that remained on that brass mouthpiece was
viler still. I was getting discouraged. Whenever, hereafter, I see the cross-legged Grand Turk smoking his narghili, in
pretended bliss, on the outside of a paper of Connecticut tobacco, I shall know him for the shameless humbug he is.

This prison was filled with hot air. When I had got warmed up sufficiently to prepare me for a still warmer
temperature, they took me where it was — into a marble room, wet, slippery and steamy, and laid me out on a raised
platform in the centre. It was very warm. Presently my man sat me down by a tank of hot water, drenched me well, gloved
his hand with a coarse mitten, and began to polish me all over with it. I began to smell disagreeably. The more he
polished the worse I smelt. It was alarming. I said to him:

“I perceive that I am pretty far gone. It is plain that I ought to be buried without any unnecessary delay. Perhaps
you had better go after my friends at once, because the weather is warm, and I can not ‘keep’ long.”

He went on scrubbing, and paid no attention. I soon saw that he was reducing my size. He bore hard on his mitten,
and from under it rolled little cylinders, like maccaroni. It could not be dirt, for it was too white. He pared me down
in this way for a long time. Finally I said:

“It is a tedious process. It will take hours to trim me to the size you want me; I will wait; go and borrow a
jack-plane.”

He paid no attention at all.

After a while he brought a basin, some soap, and something that seemed to be the tail of a horse. He made up a
prodigious quantity of soap-suds, deluged me with them from head to foot, without warning me to shut my eyes, and then
swabbed me viciously with the horse-tail. Then he left me there, a snowy statue of lather, and went away. When I got
tired of waiting I went and hunted him up. He was propped against the wall, in another room, asleep. I woke him. He was
not disconcerted. He took me back and flooded me with hot water, then turbaned my head, swathed me with dry
table-cloths, and conducted me to a latticed chicken-coop in one of the galleries, and pointed to one of those Arkansas
beds. I mounted it, and vaguely expected the odors of Araby a gain. They did not come.

The blank, unornamented coop had nothing about it of that oriental voluptuousness one reads of so much. It was more
suggestive of the county hospital than any thing else. The skinny servitor brought a narghili, and I got him to take it
out again without wasting any time about it. Then he brought the world-renowned Turkish coffee that poets have sung so
rapturously for many generations, and I seized upon it as the last hope that was left of my old dreams of Eastern
luxury. It was another fraud. Of all the unchristian beverages that ever passed my lips, Turkish coffee is the worst.
The cup is small, it is smeared with grounds; the coffee is black, thick, unsavory of smell, and execrable in taste.
The bottom of the cup has a muddy sediment in it half an inch deep. This goes down your throat, and portions of it
lodge by the way, and produce a tickling aggravation that keeps you barking and coughing for an hour.

Here endeth my experience of the celebrated Turkish bath, and here also endeth my dream of the bliss the mortal
revels in who passes through it. It is a malignant swindle. The man who enjoys it is qualified to enjoy any thing that
is repulsive to sight or sense, and he that can invest it with a charm of poetry is able to do the same with any thing
else in the world that is tedious, and wretched, and dismal, and nasty.