4.1.15

I have spent a lot of my time in California trying to re-gain the connection between my mind and my body

I realized that I stopped communicating with myself

I feel like when I am anorexic,I am constantly shutting out certain thoughtsAnd only allowing certain thoughtsIn order to continue thisDestructive controlI feel like I reacted to having emotions for a manIn a very immature mannerI am really disappointed in myselfI tried to take everything so wellAnd I wasbut my eating disorder kind ofI don't knowIt made me shakyShaky in my bonesAnd thoughtsAnd words

I've been stuck reminiscing on memories I feel like the fall always does thatAnd I think I've sat in them long enough I may now move forwardI once again have to focus on respecting myselfAnd finding self worth outside of just my body

Because my body is shit

ha

ha

...

ha

I was smoking a pack a day

I guess instead of meals

So now I've been averaging like 6 a day

I think that's much better

I just want to go back to New York

and stop feeling like a baby in California

I feel like a damn child here

like

everything is so sweet

and I can just lump around

you simply plateau here

because you can

I think I'm one of those people who gets a little affected at the lack of personal routineBut i would also consider myself to be a very good travelerLimping on my broken toe

In heels

Because

Ya gotsa keep goin'.

I keep thinking about

violence

And how it's been a big part of my life from the people that loved me like family.What if I am used to that kind of painful passionWhat if I meet someone sweetWhich is my desire at the momentBut what if I become the bully nowI kind of saw that in myself when I was being mean to Eloy

It felt really good to stomp on him

Because I guessI've never been able to make someone feel bad beforeAnd I've never taken the oppourtunityI think that's pretty fucked upTo use someone's kindness for my own powerAnd leaving them in painI really fucked that upSo I guess my experience with him is a lesson that I will soak inIt's unfortunate.But what I guess that's it.

Am I even ready to be in a relationship?Is that what I even want?Am I pressuring myself?

I don't know, I have this longing inside of meIt's physicalThere's my mind that wishes to be some kind of de humanized creatureI want to justlive in my passion

and float smiling throughout all the beautiful things there are to experience in this worldI want to love and let goAnd be lovedAnd I want every touch of skin to be made of velvetBut it's not like thatMy skin bleeds, and velvet can be made out of shards of glassI might swallow the spit that we mix togetherBut that shit the vinegar that makes my throat rawAnd my mind numb in this blinder manner where everything I've ever taught myself is something that I forgotLiterally I was INVISIBLE a moment ago.

Boys turned me down,And I laughedAnd dancedAnd slept well every night

I felt strong in my vulnerability.But I think that I've retracted a little bit however not too far back where I can't make it back easily.

I'm uncomfortable around my dad nowThere's some kind of anger that I have for himBut I don't understand it yet.