Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Overcoming "Bye, Felicia" in the Relationship Between Man and Woman: Response to a Commentary on "Straight Outta Compton"

When I exercise on weekday mornings, I usually listen to
National Public Radio. A couple of weeks
ago the morning program included a commentary about a film I had not heard of
previously named "Straight Outta Compton," which is about a hip hop group I had not
heard of previously either. The film, the
commentator said, includes a portrayal of an orgy in which a man throws a naked
woman into the hallway of a hotel, locks the door behind her, and says “Bye, Felicia.” That phrase has become widely
used in popular culture, and the commentator thought that the film used it as a
punch line to present violence and disrespect towards women as being somehow amusing.

I will not
see the film and will leave it to others to comment on it, but will instead
reflect on the commentary’s silence
about the orgy. Surely, the kind of
depravity embodied in a group sex party manifests disrespect for all concerned
and especially solidifies the worst male attitudes toward women. Disease, abortion, divorce, personal sorrow,
and further depravity are just of a few of the likely results of engaging in such
behavior. It would not be hard to list
many others, several of which would have to be condemned by any fair-minded
person committed to the dignity of human beings. The kinds of sexual behavior portrayed in such
a scene lead inevitably to the abuse condemned by the commentator. Why, then, did she not state that an orgy is profoundly degrading
by its very nature, as it reduces unique human persons to nothing but body
parts to be used for momentary pleasure?
What about the long-term effects on those involved and their
families? Are we so accustomed to such debauchery
that we no longer notice how awful it is?

The
commentator’s silence on these points gives me yet another reason to fear that many
in our society have become blind to the seriousness of sex in shaping and
revealing the character of people. We are
never more vulnerable to one another than we are in this area of life. How we treat one another there forms us,
them, and future generations in powerful ways.
And if we will cheat, abuse, or simply use others sexually, we will take
a long step down a path toward forms of corruption that we do not control well
at all. We hand ourselves over to
slavery to immediate pleasure in a way that weakens our ability to treat others
as anything but instruments for our immediate purposes, whether in the bedroom
or elsewhere.

If it is not clear to that women typically bear the brunt of these
affairs, then we need to think again. Who gets pregnant and is at risk for the
tragic choice of abortion? Who bears the
burdens of rearing a child alone? Who is
far more likely to be a victim of physical abuse? Who is more inclined to view acts of physical
intimacy as signs of true personal union?
In the world as we know it, it is the woman. How strange that so few in our society dare
to open their eyes to the misogyny embodied in the current state of sexual
ethics or the lack thereof. The
consequences of the promiscuity celebrated as sexual liberation fall heavily on
women and their children. If we condone
sexual practices that treat women as nothing more than the sum of their body
parts, then should we be surprised when audiences laugh as a woman is thrown
naked out of an orgy?

As a
father, a husband, and a priest who asks daily for the intercessions of the
Mother of God, especially for my wife and daughters, the current state of
popular culture on these matters sickens me.
Our larger society is apparently without the resources necessary to
recognize and respect our God-given capability for intimacy, covenantal
fidelity, and bringing beloved children into the world. We have reduced a most sacred calling to
little more than the pursuit of domination and self-centered pleasure so common
that many do not even recognize a scandal when they see it.

Part of
the problem is that we think of ourselves as isolated individuals with rights
to do as we please with our bodies. It
is one thing to have a legal system that affirms the liberty of people to do
what they freely choose. It is quite
another, however, to pretend that there is nothing more at stake in profound
matters of character, identity, and relations with others than the question of
whether those involved have consented to participate in certain acts. People can consent to do all sorts of
reprehensible things which are good for no one.
Such things diminish us, however, in ways that we cannot control and
never fully know. It is notoriously
difficult to predict the consequences of our actions or to control how we and
others will respond to them. Nowhere is
that more true than in the intimate relationship of man and woman.

Perhaps
part of our society’s inability to deal soberly with these matters has
something to do with our collective ignorance about the passions. Passions are
the disordered relationships we have with just about everything. They are misdirected energies that pull us
this way and that, even when we know and deeply desire to stay on the straight
path. As the origins of the word itself
indicate, we suffer weaknesses of soul that make it so easy for so little to
punch our buttons and make us feel virtually powerless to resist the
temptations that have become most familiar to us.

Passions
go deeper than particular actions we choose freely, at least in a legal
sense. They reflect the state of our
souls, of our deepest character, of who we are mostly profoundly in relation to
God, neighbor, and self. People may
choose to do this, that, or the other thing in a fashion they understand to be informed
and free, but may actually be as helpless as slaves before the force of their addiction to their own self-centered
desires. To continue to act in such ways
puts us in a downward spiral of degradation that destroys freedom in all but a
formal sense. It is like exercising the freedom to abuse a substance until we
are addicted to it, which surely makes us much less than free.

As
shocking as it sounds in our current cultural setting, sexual intimacy with
another makes us “one flesh” with that person.
St. Paul said that was the case even for those who have relations with
prostitutes. (1 Cor. 6: 16) By its very nature for those
created male and female in the image and likeness of God, the “one flesh” union
is a blessing intended for our healing, fulfillment, and growth in
holiness. It is no accident that Christ
so often used a wedding feast for an image of the Kingdom of God or that the
eschatological vision of Revelation culminates in the marriage banquet of the
Lamb. He is the Groom and the Church is
His Bride.

In the Orthodox wedding service,
husband and wife wear the crowns of the Kingdom, which are also martyrs’ crowns
for those who die to self out of love for the Lord and one another. All of this is for the healing of passions,
sexual and otherwise, by directing our desires ultimately to God. The point is not to destroy our desires, but
to purify them. True Christian teaching
on sex is in no way negative, but truly sublime and holy.

In
contrast, those who see nothing much at stake in promiscuity or orgies are
blind to the power of the passions to corrupt even the greatest blessings and
joys of life. In the name of liberation,
they fall into a bondage from which it is difficult to escape. Their sights are set far too low. True
respect for the dignity of women arises from the healing of passions that
corrupt intimate relationships, which requires identifying and correcting their
failings. Passing over them in silence
does no good at all. If we want to get
beyond the abuses associated with “Bye, Felicia,” we need to start by
redirecting our desires to the Lord Who invites man and woman together to
become participants in the heavenly wedding banquet. There could be no more positive view of the “one
flesh” union of male and female.

Follow by Email

The Forgotten Faith

The Forgotten Faith

The Goodness of God's Creation

Toward a Eucharistic Vision of Church, Family, Marriage and Sex

War and Peace

Orthodox Perspectives on Peace, War, and Violence

Want to hear more?

Fr. Philip has addressed audiences at St. Herman Orthodox Theological Seminary in Kodiak, AK, and St. Vladimir’s Orthodox Seminary, NY. He has also earned lots of frequent flyer miles as an invited participant in international Orthodox consultations on social ethics in Greece, Romania, and Syria.

He often introduces visiting groups of students from local universities to the Orthodox faith. He has also spoken about Eastern Christianity at Methodist, Episcopal, and Church of Christ congregations in Abilene. You may listen to his podcasts on www.ancientfaithradio.org. He has also been interviewed on “Come Receive the Light,” an internationally syndicated radio program of the Orthodox Christian Network (www.myocn.net). Anyone wanting to invite him to speak may send an email to: plemasters@mcm.edu.