Learning from my past

For what seems to be forever, I have been organizing my “data” hard drive. Often I stumble upon conversations from the past, posts, quotes, contact lists and other goodies. For instance, today I logged into “AIM” for the first time in ages, and I figured out the first name of the white satin panties girl! A name I had long ago buried in the depths of my head.

I also found a few names of some old friends I’ve been trying to dig up, but most of them are ghosts. Among the morsels I came across, I found a conversation that I had with a friend whom I was flirting with at the time. There are some very telling statements in there that gave me pause, but I must accept them as my truth.

These old documents and stuff have been teaching me more about myself than I can remember. It’s pretty cool, and my only regret is that I didn’t keep more. I had a journal, long lost, where I wrote about first falling in love with who would go on to become my son’s mom. I still remember staying up an entire night, looking out the window, just to see her leaving to go to the “Circle Line.” Once she left, I went to sleep.

Enough of that though, for your entertainment, here are some of the statements I made to a girl we will call J.

J: we have to get to know each otherJ: so lets play a game..J: i say one crazy random fact about myselfJ: then you goJ: 😀Arodomus: Ok..J: i am biased and think my kitty is the best cat in the worldArodomus: I don’t like cats. They scare me. Ever since I slept in my aunt’s place and awoke with 2 cats on top of me.. :-J: gummie bears rock my worldArodomus: I love pizza.J: me too!J: i very seldom wear black t-shirtsArodomus: I was a virgin till 19Arodomus: lolJ: i was too :-D. i have only been w. one guy (my ex)J: and i think sex is overratedJ: 😛Arodomus: Not if you spiritually connected with the partner though.J: well we didntArodomus: When you are really into the person, like really into them.. It can be great..Arodomus: Just the same if you are not it sucks..J: yeah…i dont plan on having sex for a long time..lol..i really do not care for it…J: no big to me…J: i guess it was the whole partner issue..but whateverArodomus: No sweat.. 🙂Arodomus: One day you will experience what it’s meant to be like. Until then it’s no issue. 🙂J: yup, one day..i am not worried…J: 😛Arodomus: Ok.. your turn right??Arodomus: or mine?J: hhmm…i said i think sex is overratedJ: so it is your turnArodomus: I lack self confidence and overcompensate with my physique and behavior.J: i wish i had smaller breasts bc it is hard to find shirts
Arodomus: I wish I was a little taller… Maybe 2 or 3 inches.. HeheheJ: i have recentlly within the past 6 mths grown in insatiable want to learnArodomus: I finished my BA in 3 yearsJ: wow!J: my skin does not tan…i just burn then turn white againJ: i wish i could get tan, but i have learned to embrace it..J: 😀Arodomus: I obsess over my body..J: i can tellArodomus: no matter how good i getArodomus: it’s never enoughArodomus: insecurity..J: so what makes you happy?Arodomus: You know, I honestly have yet to find that..J: i see…J: so do you like your partner’s body to be “perfect” too?J: sculpted..health nut? great curves…Arodomus: Nope..J: or would you date a chubbier or even thinner girlArodomus: either or.. i don’t seek out that which i strive for..Arodomus: you know?Arodomus: it’s just my own b.s issues

All quite interesting and very telling into how I viewed and felt about myself. Clearly confidence has always been an issue, not being good enough, not reaching my goals. I did manage to mention that I earned a college degree at an accelerated pace, but the focus seems to be on my short comings as opposed to my accomplishments. That’s something that I have improved on greatly since then, but there is always more room for growth.