Tuesday, September 27, 2011

It is much easier to pass judgment a person than it is to take the time to show compassion. Negativity, be it about your own life or someone else's, is a choice you make every day. Stop complaining for a second and open your eyes to the rest of the world. Some people's stories will put things into perspective really fast. What a humbling day.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

It is creeping up on me. This coming Friday, I should be 38 weeks pregnant. I have been so focused on making sure Nolan is healthy and growing that Eden has sort of been pushed to the back of my mind (I feel so horrible saying that.) Now, out of nowhere, her should-be-birthday is just about here. It was 25 weeks ago today that we found out her heart was no longer beating. How is that even possible?

I've been thinking about her more and more over the last week or so. Right after my surgery, I scheduled some time off work around what was supposed to be her due date. I hoped that Chris and I would be in a position that we could take an amazing vacation to celebrate her and take our minds off of the sadness at the same time. Of course, with his job situation, that didn't end up being a possibility. Up until today, I planned on spending the two weeks relaxing at home and getting things ready for Nolan.

Thankfully, God had other plans and Chris found out yesterday that he has two days off in a row in October, including her due date. He never gets two days off in a row! We decided we'd take a mini vacation and go somewhere we haven't been together before. We ended up getting an amazing deal on a gorgeous hotel room in Park City ($138.00 total for two nights in a nearly $300.00 a night room!) You can't tell me God did not have a hand in that. He knew we needed to get away, just the two of us. We'll head down there when he gets off work on the 6th and we'll be able to spend her entire due date (the 7th) down there relaxing, remembering, and enjoying each other. We'll come home the evening of the 8th.

After we booked the hotel last night, I was sat on the couch with Paisley to relax before I had to leave for work. Instead, I was slapped in the face with grief. I received a picture from a friend who had just delivered her baby girl a few hours prior. Now, I've had friends give birth since I lost Eden. I've held babies, cuddled them, rejoiced with dear friends as they became moms and dads for the first time, and all without even a twinge of sadness for my own. Honestly! This baby girl, however, was due on October 7...the same day as Eden. I have wondered for a long time how I would react to her birth and I thought I still had a couple of weeks to prepare myself, but she decided to make her debut early and catch me off guard. I instantly burst into tears. Chris jumped up and ran to my side asking who died. Yeah. It was that bad.

*What happened next I do not blame anyone for. Chris just happened to be the person at my side at the time, but I'm sure the conversation would have been similar no matter who I was with. He is not insensitive and misses Eden just as much as I do.*

﻿Chris began to remind me that I'm pregnant again and I need to focus on Nolan instead of Eden. He told me that it isn't healthy to be jealous of other people's babies and that I shouldn't be sad. I, through my sobs, explained to him that this has nothing to do with Nolan and it has nothing to do with being jealous of my friend's baby. Nolan and Eden were two separate lives and just because I have him growing inside of me doesn't discount the fact that she died inside of me just 30 days before he came to be. Just because I'm upset about Eden doesn't mean I love Nolan any less. They are two completely different people.

As for being jealous of the new baby...that is not the case either. I'm thrilled that her baby is healthy and there weren't any complications with her delivery. Her baby is not my baby. I was just sad because it was my first visual reminder of what I don't have. That little girl is how big and how cuddly and how warm Eden would be right now if she didn't die. Up until now, I've only had my imagination and a few ultrasound pictures to go off of. Now, I have a beautiful, living, breathing human being that was to be born on the same exact day as my baby girl to look at and compare to my dreams of what could have been.

As soon as I explained my feelings to Chris, he turned around very fast. He knew where my heart was and I think my sudden outburst of emotion just caught him off guard. He spent the next hour holding me and letting me cry.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I announced our little man's name on Facebook today without even meaning to, so I guess it is time to bring my blog in the loop as well. Most of you already know...but for those of you who don't, here it is:

Nolan Christopher

﻿I had a reply from a friend after I spilled the beans saying she hoped I would share the story of how we came up with his name on my blog. I wish I could say I had a creative and thoughtful story to tell like she has with her little girl, but that isn't really the case. Here it is anyways!

We were one of those couples who talked about baby names really early in our relationship. We knew that one day we would get married and that we wanted a family, so why not? We've had a boy name and a girl name picked out for years. Sadly, the boy name we have always loved, Liam, has become insanely popular over the last year or so. When we decided we were ready to have children, we went back to the drawing board. I am not against "trendy" names, but I don't want my kid to be one of 12 Liams in his class either.

I really like names that start with "L", so I started pulling up lists of baby boy names and just scanning through that letter. I spent a lot of time searching the meaning of different Hebrew names as well, since that is something that really appealed to us. I fell in love with the name Lyric since my husband and I have always been very musical, but decided he'd probably be made fun of.

I am really into the meaning of names. I decided to focus my search on what different names meant, then see if there was one I liked based on that instead of just how the name sounded. I wanted something strong and masculine. I'm part Irish, so I started browsing that section of whatever website I was on. I came across the meaning "Champion" and saw the name Nolan attached. I loved it the instant I saw it! It was not a name that Chris or I had even considered, but as soon as I asked him if he liked it, we knew it was meant for our child. Chris was excited because when he was little, he had a collection of Nolan Ryan baseball cards that really meant a lot to him. If that was the association he wanted to make, I was all for it. I was just happy we agreed on a name!

Picking out a middle name was easy. It is a tradition in Chris' family to give the first son the name of the father as his middle name. I loved it because that way, Nolan will have a piece of his dad with him always.

So, there you have it. Our not-so-creative baby name story. On a more exciting note, little man was moving all over the place today! I was laying on my side after work and he was kicking away. As soon as I put my hand on my tummy where he was kicking to see if I could feel him, he stopped until I took my hand away. It was fun to interact with him, but I really wish he would let me feel him from the outside!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Chris and I had an interesting conversation tonight while we were eating dinner. Apparently, we both have been feeling the same way about a lot of things but we were too nervous to express it to each other (which is very unlike us.) We both feel like we're on the edge of something...we just don't know what. I don't know how successful I'll be at typing this out, but I'm going to try.

We are happy...but we're not. I love my life right now and for where I am at right this very second, I wouldn't change a thing. However, this is not what I want for my life in the long run. I'm not okay with stopping here. I feel like so many people have their first child and other things go on hold. I'm not that kind of person.

Chris' job situation has been frustrating for both of us lately. He wants so badly to get through school and has a grant that is just sitting there waiting for him, yet his work schedule makes it completely impossible for that to happen. They refuse to budge, even just a little bit. We walk a fine line nowadays between being thankful for his job, and wishing he didn't so he could finish his certification and move on to what he loves to do.

I love my job and wouldn't go anywhere if I could, but I feel stuck knowing that I wouldn't have that option right now if I chose to. We need things that only my job can provide at the moment. That is a very scary position to be in with a baby on the way and the possibility of bed rest or complications with the delivery.

I am so blessed with a husband that will literally do anything for me. He works so hard through tears and a disgusting amount of stress without complaining to take care of our family. He deserves so much better than this. I have told him from day one that I will follow him wherever he goes and I will support him in any decision he makes for us. We are a team, but I trust him to lead me. We are really there for each other through thick and thin.

Chris said tonight that he would love to see what our life will be like in 20 years. I'd be curious to see that too. I know this is all part of the ride. We'll get there when we get there. We shouldn't wish time away. I just feel restless right now. I'm anxious to see what my husband is going to accomplish. He has such big plans for us (a lot of which I had no idea about until tonight) and I'm ready to get things going! Is that so much to ask?

*Sorry for the choppy paragraphs. I don't feel like I have ever written a post that flowed so poorly. Oh well, what do you do?*

Monday, September 12, 2011

It was confirmed on September 7, 2011...our little family is growing by one little boy! We could not be more excited. I can't say I was surprised. I had a feeling baby was a he from the time I found out I was pregnant. It was nice to hear my midwife say the words, though!

I went in for my follow up appointment to make sure baby was okay after my fall. I will admit that I have been very spoiled this pregnancy, and listening to the heartbeat on the doppler in the emergency room was just not enough. I needed to actually see my baby and make sure he was okay. Luckily, my midwife agreed and I didn't even have to ask. The only disappointment of the day was that Chris was unable to go to the appointment with me due to work. He and I were both really sad that he had to miss it.

She pulled up his picture, and there was my squirmy little spaz baby. Right away she said "well, that looks like a boy!" She checked him from a few more angles and there was no denying: baby is 100% male. The ultrasound didn't last long. She checked around and made sure we were both okay and there was not any trauma that the emergency room missed. I was excited to get out of there and tell Chris the happy news!

It is times like that when I really appreciate the fact that my husband works from home. I would have died waiting for him to get off work so I could tell him in person. I got to run right up to our office and spill the beans! He was happy, but not surprised either. We both already knew. We didn't wait to tell family or friends in any special way, just text messages and phone calls for us. We're so creative, I know.

Remember a while back when I said we've had our baby girl and baby boy names picked out forever? Well, we've been calling this baby our boy name for quite a while. I'm pretty sure if baby had been a girl, she would have been born with some sort of complex. Do you want to know something strange? Nobody has asked us what we're naming him. That is always my first question when I find out of someone is having a boy or a girl. I am such a name person.

If you ask me, I'll tell you. If you don't, I won't. For now, I'll hold off on announcing it on the blog. It'll give me something to write about later. Anticipation is a lovely thing!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

So it continues. Yesterday, my day couldn't have started out better. I woke up early and went to the dentist. I know that doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun, but I love how it feels when I get to walk out of those doors knowing I don't have to be back for 6 months. No cavities! I ran some errands and was feeling so accomplished, so I rewarded myself with a cherry limeade from Sonic. I was cruising around with my windows down, my music up, enjoying the fresh air. I found an adorable baby gift for my friend who is due any day with her little girl. Sounds like a nice morning, right?

So I pulled into my driveway and stepped out of my car with my sweet baby gift in one hand and giant drink in the other. All of a sudden, I was on the ground. I guess I should say, the ground was jabbed violently in my stomach. I tripped over something and landed belly-first on the sharp curb outside of my house. I hit it with such force that it knocked both of my shoes off my feet and they landed in the street. Some guys that were working in my yard came to help me up, put my shoes back on my feet, and collect the pieces of the shattered baby gift for me. I was a bloody, scraped up mess.

So I went inside, shaken up and worried to death about my baby (who took most of the hit inside my belly), and called my midwife. She was delivering a baby, so she told me to go straight to the emergency room. I was in tears when I told Chris I had to go be monitored. He advised his supervisor, logged off his computer, and got me to the car without blinking an eye. He's a good husband.

Fast forward through the check-in process to the monitoring room. The doctor comes in and tells me that since I'm under 20 weeks, they wouldn't need to do an ultrasound. He listened to the heartbeat with a doppler (which was a beautiful sound) and determined that baby was not in distress. As someone who is used to ultrasounds at every appointment, this was difficult for me, but he assured me it was good enough. Then, he took tons of blood to make sure that mine wasn't mixing with baby's blood. Scary...I was there for a couple of hours while they listened to him and watched me and finally they decided I was fine to go home and rest for the night (which meant a night off work, which I was less than thrilled about.)

So, after the panic of what might have come of that fall died down, another reality slapped us in the face. Chris left work in the middle of his shift to take me to the emergency room. His job is not very sensitive, and he was already on thin ice for taking time off the day I had my D&C for my miscarriage. We were pretty sure he would go to work this morning, and no longer have a job. We rely on both of our incomes, and while we could survive on mine, it would be tight and very stressful. I couldn't even imagine how things would be with a new baby.

So we spent the morning re-working our budget and figuring out where we could cut back until he was able to find another job. Not exactly the type of budgeting you want to be doing at 4.5 months pregnant. Luckily, his boss decided to show him a little grace today. He technically "should have" been fired, according to their crazy rules. Instead, he got off with a meeting and a final warning. So, in other words, we need to pray that we don't have any more emergencies before this baby gets here.

I updated my status on Facebook today to something along the lines of "I need to join a dodgeball league. I've been playing a mean game with the universe and so far I'm winning!" God has us...I'm just ready to get my toes out of the fire. It burns!