Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina Agree to Carpool to Rest of Campaign Events

DESOLATE PLAINS, IOWA — Citing a desire to “pool resources” and “save on gas money,” the presidential campaigns of retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson and former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina have mutually agreed their two candidates will carpool to the rest of their campaign events.

“The fact is that since no one cares that they’re running anymore,” Carol Stimpson, Deputy Director Assistant of Media Relations for the Fiorina campaign, said at a joint press conference this week, “and the crowds are dwindling for both candidates so much that it just doesn’t make sense to take two separate cars anymore. We can save an absolute ton of money this way.” Stimpson said that logistics such as who would drive on which days were still being worked out, but that they had already agreed to use Carson’s minivan, as Fiorina’s sedan is in the shop “getting some work done,” Stimpson announced.

Gerald Renner, Assistant Junior Chief Media Liason for Carson’s Iowa operations told reporters that Dr. Carson is planning to be his “usual, charming self” on the rides in, and will be “sleepy eyed and bushy-tailed” in an effort to keep Fiorina’s spirits up because she’s “not a morning person.” He further stated that it had been agreed between the two campaigns that gas money would be provided to the driver on opposite days, and that the music selection would be up to the driver based on the old, “driver is the DJ rule.”

“Just a couple of months ago both of these people were being talked about as potential dark horse candidates,” Stimpson said in her part of the press conference, “but then they opened their mouths and people started actually listening. Our candidate as it turns out is a liar and can’t stop talking about things she never saw, and their candidate is equal parts violent sociopath and narcoleptic. So no wonder we fizzled so quickly.”

Renner told reporters that ride sharing may not be the only collaborative effort between Fiorina and his candidate. He said that both campaigns are “actively seeking clarification” from the Republican National Committee as to whether they can legally combine their campaigns and run for co-president. That way, Renner said, they can “pool campaign donations and polling numbers” and be more competitive.

“You know, I remember a day,” Carson would later say at a joint campaign stop in Iowa as Fiorina was parking his van, “when a stupid candidate would just drop out of an election. Herman Cain and Michele Bachman spring to mind. But this is a new era, and Carly and I are pioneers, blazing a dopey, mendacious path into America’s future.”

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus couldn’t be reached for comment at the time of publication. With the primary season in full-swing, both Carson and Fiorina have seen their polling numbers — once among the strongest in the field — dwindle and fade of late.