Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

I Wish I Drank Coffee

I wish I was a coffee drinker. I love coffee cake. I love the
smell of coffee beans. I love the way a coffee-making apparatus looks on the
kitchen counter. I love the mystique surrounding it. I believe that coffee is
one of the greatest social accessories available to humanity. It is cheap,
ubiquitous and provides a universal conversation piece. It has been utilized in
religious ceremonies and banned for political strategy. Despite all of this, I
cannot get past the fact that it tastes like rainwater from a rusty steel can
that someone used to soak their bunions.

I have been informed again and again that “it is an acquired taste”
but life is too short to try and convince my taste buds that they need a second
opinion. I never had to convince myself that BBQ ribs or ice cream was
delicious. I did not have to force-feed myself bacon for years before I could
appreciate its culinary power so why should I keep ingesting caffeinated brown
water until my senses relent? At any rate, one does not have to be a coffee
drinker to appreciate the benefits of being a coffee drinker.

Coffee Drinkers Appear Contemplative – When you see someone
gazing toward the horizon with a cup of coffee in their hand we tend to assume
that they are agonizing over life-altering decisions or the profundities of
human existence. We even feel guilty for approaching someone during these
moments as if we have intruded upon a private ceremony. The slow and purposeful
movements of the coffee drinker do seem almost ritualistic; their faces
constantly enwreathed by steam.

Of course, this is all a facade created by the beverage. They
simply needed to pass some gas and the window was far enough away from their
cubicle to provide plausible deniability were it to linger. The truth is that
coffee drinkers ponder the same things that water enthusiasts or pork-rind
connoisseurs do, they just look better while they do it.

Sipping Coffee Buys You Time – We have all been there. You
are at a family reunion or social event and find yourself running out of
discussion topics. Maybe this is the first time you have seen your nephew since
his stint in rehab or one of your wife’s co-workers just announced that her
husband was sleeping with their dog-sitter. Do you comment on the weather?
Stare at your shoes? You need to think of an out or fake an emergency but
nothing comes to mind.

Coffee drinkers never have to panic in these situations
because not only can they simply cover their face with their cup, they can
leave it there for a full 2 minutes before anyone suspects a thing. That is
because coffee is meant to be consumed slowly. It is hot and could melt your
face. People expect your sips to be long drawn-out affairs. Try and sell that
with a bottle of Dasani. You can only fake-drink so long before people notice
that the amount of water isn’t being significantly reduced and they realize
that you are stalling.

Coffee Provides An Excuse for Morning Hostility – You can get
away with almost anything as long as you make it understood that have not yet
consumed your morning cup of joe. Sorry I called your mother an alcoholic
financial leech honey, but I hadn’t had my coffee yet. I shouldn’t have thrown a
dead bird at those nuns officer, but we were out of Folgers at the house.

It Is An Unassailable Excuse to Eat Pie – No one will ever
judge you for eating a large slice of pie as long as you have a cup of coffee
in your hand. While the rest of us will be indirectly accused of gluttony (I am
stuffed. I don’t know how you have room for that!) no one is going to disparage
you cramming an Edwards in your face as long as you have some coffee.

Coffee Allows You to Create an Identity – If I see a grizzled
man with a beard ask for black coffee with no frills, I naturally assume they
are a no-nonsense, salt-of-the-earth laborer who could probably tell you more
than one story that involves a bar fight. That’s the implication is when
someone says “I’m a black coffee man.” You expect a low-maintenance self-reliant
personality. I would be taken aback to see someone fitting that description
order organic hazelnut French-roast because it suggests a love of poetry and at
least one delightful summer spent studying abroad.