RI – Look Steve and Bob we’ve got to do something about this Oscar mess. ABC is hosting the Oscars this year and we’re depending on the ratings to get us through the doldrums between the Superbowl and Spring training. And considering the money we’re losing on the ESPN fiasco we need this bad.

SS – Robert, why don’t we have Bob over here do the hosting? Everyone loves him. He’d be great.

RD – Yeah, Robert, I’ll kill it. I can start out with a Trump bash and end up with a #MeToo medley of monsters we’ve purged this year.

RI – Are you insane? We’re trying to expand our base beyond the weirdos and cat ladies. Can’t you try and be human?

SS – Robert, what’s wrong with playing to our base?

RI – Look, other than Marvel superhero movies and cartoons this studio hasn’t made a dime on any of these other pictures in years. We’ve got to start bringing in normal people soon or I’m going to sell off the other business to China and just keep Pixar and Marvel. Now who do we have who can bring in the normies?

SS – How about Tom Hanks?

RD – No good. Back when he was doing Bosom Buddies, he called his co-star a fruit while the camera was rolling. That’s hate speech.

RI – Alright you two idiots, get out of here. I’ve got to have some quiet so I can think.

Scene 2 – Robert Iger’s bedroom that same night. Iger in his bed alone talking to himself.

RI – What can I do? I’ve tried every actor, singer, politician and intellectual in the country and every one is either compromised or unwilling. What can I do, what can I do.

Suddenly the ghost of Walt Disney appears over Iger’s bed.

GWD – Iger, you idiot, how did such a loser end up running my company?

RI – Is that really you Walt Disney?

GWD – No I’m Tupac Shakur. Of course, it’s me, you idiot. You’ve got a life size picture of me on your office wall. What’s the matter, are you blind?

RI – I just can’t believe you’re really here.

GWD – Well, it’s not as if I had a choice. I can’t let a congenital imbecile like you chloroform my company.

RI – But what can I do? The only man who isn’t afraid of #MeToo is Rosie ODonnell.

GWD – The answer is staring you in the face. (Disney punches Iger between the eyes) And when you wake up you’ll have the answer.

Scene 3 – Host’s Dais at the Dolby Theater for the Oscars. President Trump walks to the microphone to the sound of screams and boos.

PT – Good evening weirdos and losers of Hollywood. I’m here because I’m the only living man in these United States who isn’t afraid of the Outrage Police. So, I’ve been tasked with announcing the nominees and keeping it under four hours.

Well I can do a lot better than that. How about four minutes? All you need to know is that no one who voted for me will see a single one of the pictures you’ve nominated. And I’ll tell you something else. If you don’t start making movies like they did in the last century you’ll be lucky if the Oscars make it to the next decade. My vote is for Deadpool 2. Oh, and DeNiro, you suck. Trump out.

ED – And what a liberating experience it is. Not to have to deal with the male gaze.

CJ – Sing it sister.

RM – Whoohoo!

ED – Oh yeah.

CJ – And finally the Oscars are free to explore films about real people instead of restricting topics to dated stale paradigms.

RM – Well this isn’t the first time that will be possible. Remember last year we had the fabulous, “Call Me by Your Name.”

ED – Yes, indeed and in 2017 we had the diversity rich, “Moonlight.”

CJ – At this late date must I remind you of the damning circumstance that neither of those films had a single transgendered character?

RM – True, but both were groundbreaking positive portrayals of gay people overcoming the hurdles that a judgmental world places in front of them.

CJ – How can you begin to compare the trivial annoyances of being gay to the titanic struggle of being trans? I mean it’s unthinkable. It’s almost as if you are transphobic or something.

RM – What? Are you nu … I mean no, no, no. I’m so pro-trans it isn’t even funny. Some of my best friends are trans.

ED – Me too. Not like # metoo but as in, I also. I’m a big trans-fan.

RM – Right sure. You’ve really straightened me out about this. But not that kind of straight. I hate straight.

CJ – But I’m straight. Do you hate me?

RM – How could you be straight? You’ve had your penis removed.

CJ – But I’m a trans-woman. Being straight just means I like men. Are you doubting I’m a woman? Because that would be trans-phobic.

RM – No, no. I was just a little confused on the terminology. Now I get it. It’s all good now.

ED – Sure straight’s great. It’s all good.

CJ – Hmmm, I’ll have to think about how I feel about all this but for now let’s move forward with the show.

RM – Absolutely.

ED – Yes let’s.

CJ – So the nominees for best picture are truly exciting and run the full gamut of artistic expression.

RM – It’s interesting that this year the Academy didn’t announce the nominees ahead of time but will reveal them as the award is being announced. As a member of the Academy you know the list of nominees. Can you tell us a little bit about their plots?

CJ – Certainly. The first nominee is called “Unhealing Wound.” It’s the story of a trans-woman coming to terms with the endless pain and psychic agony of hormone therapy and vaginoplasty. This movie celebrates the bravery and specialness of trans-women.

RM – Hey that’s really something. How brave. How solemn. That will be on my top ten for March.

ED – I’m there for sure.

CJ – The next movie up is “Man Enough.” It’s the fictional account of the first trans-man in the Navy Seals. It follows this extraordinary man as he battles arbitrary requirements of the transphobic military traditions to soar to the top of his field. And he knows that he has finally arrived when he is joined by his fellow Seals writing their names in the snow during a training maneuver in Alaska.

RM – Inspirational, truly solemn.

CJ – It’s a musical comedy.

RM – Oh. … Brave then?

CJ – Sure why not. Next up is the top contender for the Oscar. It called “Made for Each Other.” It’s the story of a straight married couple who get swept up in the excitement of transgenderism and become a transcouple. This is also a musical although not a comedy. There is a thought-provoking scene on their trans-honeymoon night where they bravely face the challenges of a trans/trans sexual relationship when they sing the duet, “Your Guess is as Good as Mine.”

ED – It sounds magical.

RM – I’ll bet the Chicago Tribune raved.

CJ – Absolutely. And the last entry is a science fiction film about the first trans-gendered robot called eloquently AC/DC.

ED – So cutting edge. I’m sure the special effects are ground breaking.

CJ – It’s in 3D.

RM – You know Caitlyn, these movies are just amazing and groundbreaking as well. But I’ve detected a trend.

CJ – What’s that Rachel.

RM – Every single one of them is about transgendered characters.

CJ – Yes. So?

RM – Well, don’t you think that there’s a danger of over-representing a very small proportion of the population and thereby losing the interest of the general public.

CJ – Nonsense. The public is clamoring for trans-themed entertainment.

RM – But what about representing the rest of even the LGBTQ community? Where are the lesbian and gay characters?

CJ – Stop being reactionary. The debate is over. It’s been decided. Since the first ninety years of Oscar were essentially transgender phobic the next twenty years need to be exclusively transgender themed. It will be fabulous. It’s even being renamed the Olivias and the statuette will be put on hormone therapy immediately.

ED – Well there you have it folks. Caitlyn has introduced us to the brave new world of the Oscars, I mean Olivias and we’ll go live to the ceremonies already in progress. Speaking for myself, Caitlyn and Rachel, … uh where did Rachel go?

CJ – She just bolted and mumbled something about heading over to FoxNews.

ED – Oh, okay. Well from me and Caitlyn, goodnight and have a brave tomorrow.

(President Trump is at the podium and is flanked by Secret Service Agents holding cardboard boxes.)

PT – Good afternoon Fake News Corps and welcome to the first White House news briefing since I’ve instituted the new rules. I will now walk you through them.

First, each of you will be issued your own personalized microphone. This microphone is only active when you hold it and the President or the Press Secretary has authorized your turn to question. Your biometric information has been programmed into the unit. It will only act as a microphone if you yourself are holding it. Utilizing sound isolation software it will only broadcast your voice. Also, if anyone else attempts to use your microphone within this room or if you attempt to use it out of turn, it will administer a significant electric shock to the holder. Each subsequent attempt at unauthorized use will increase the voltage significantly until it reaches the legal limit. After that point you probably will drop into a fetal position and call for your mommy.

Bob and Mitch will hand out the microphones and we’ll get started.

(Secret Service hands out the microphones and return to the dais)

PT – Okay let’s see who’s first. How about you Major?

MG – Sir, Major Garrett, CBS News.

PT – Yeah, I know Major, I said your name. What’s your question?

MG – Mr. President, don’t you think this demeans the dignity of the White House Press Corps?

PT – You can’t demean that which does not exist. You next Hallie.

MG – As a foll… (suddenly screeching and swearing) YEEEAAAHHHH, son of a bitch!

CV – Mr. President, aren’t you afraid that this will send the wrong message to the American people?

PT – No Cecilia, I’m generally not afraid. Al Drago, any question?

AD – Mr. President, why are you resorting to these draconian measures? Don’t you trust the fourth estate to maintain decorum?

PT – Those are two questions but just this once I will answer them both but in reverse order. First, hah! Second, I have resorted to the use of dog training equipment because Jim Acosta has shown that he has the manners and the intellect of a fairly dull-witted chihuahua. You have a question Jim?

JA – I protest such a vile characterization of myself.

PT – That’s not a question. Major you’re next.

JA – How dare youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

PT – That was a question Jim, but it wasn’t your turn.

MG – Can I give my question to Jim.

PT – No, but that was a question so Hallie we’re back to you.

HJ – Still no question sir.

PT – Cecilia?

CV – Uhhh, how are you enjoying the fall?

PT – Excellent, I’ve taken a couple of strokes off my golf game. And that brings us back to you Jim. Care to take another crack at it? But please try to follow the protocol, we just got the rug steam cleaned.

(Acosta looking nervously around and holding the microphone in his left hand)

JA – Which reporter do you consider the enemy of the American people?

PT – Certainly not you anymore Jim. You’re such a good boy! Catch the treat!

ES – Hello I’m End-Lesley Scold and this is Sixty Minutes. Tonight, we’re televising my interview with President Trump. By the end you’ll agree that I won and he was unmasked as an immature, petulant man with the manners of a wolverine and without the intelligence God gave a turnip. Let’s take a look.

(Cut to the recorded interview)

PT – Hello End-Lesley.

ES – Pledge right not that you won’t fire Robert Mueller!

PT – Where the hell did that come from?

ES – Oh, the teleprompter skipped to the wrong page. I mean good evening President Trump. Pledge right not that you won’t fire Robert Mueller!

PT – That’s better. Don’t want to confuse the audience. Who’s Mueller? Is he the guy who makes the egg noodles? No, seriously aren’t we going to fence around for a while about how evil Kim Jong Un is and how I made fun of “Dr.” Whatsername?

PT – Okay fine. I’m currently not ready to fire Mueller yet. He provides all kinds of ammunition that we’re using for the midterms. I’ll probably fire him November seventh but who knows? He’s kind of funny with that G-Man haircut and profile. Maybe I can get him a part in the remake of the Untouchables, so stay tuned and ask me again in a few weeks.

ES – No, pledge right now, pledge, pledge!

PT – The only pledge we should be talking about is the Pledge you should be using to dust off the worm-eaten furniture on this set. Look End-Lesley, we only have like half an hour to get this done. If you can’t move onto something interesting I’m gonna leave and go golfing. What else have you got?

ES – Fine! How about when you made fun of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford?

PT – First off, she’s not a doctor. She’s more like a yoga instructor. Secondly, she’s got too many names. Tell her to pick one. And third, you call that making fun? I was being nice! That woman is a fruit cake. She’s lucky no one dropped a net over her and dragged her off to Bellevue. Look, when those Keystone Cops in the Senate put on that freak show you’re just lucky I wasn’t in the room. I’d have mocked them right out of the building. You realize that even nine years after his death there are still DNA remains from Ted Kennedy’s Senate Assistant “interviews” right there on the Senate floor and come to think of it probably on the Senate walls and maybe even the Senate ceiling.

ES – That’s entirely inappropriate to say about the Lion of the Senate.

PT – Really? That’s a man whose nephew was tried for raping a woman on a boat while Teddy was wandering around in his boxer shorts. So, Teddy’s the Lion of the Senate and poor nerdy Brett Kavanaugh is Jack the Flippin’ Ripper? Please don’t make me laugh. If you’re looking for a rapist just call up Hillary and ask her where Bill is shacked up this week.

ES – None of that has ever been proven inconclusively in a court of law.

PT – Well you say you must believe a woman who says she’s been raped? How about Juanita Broaddrick? And you say you must believe a woman who says she was sexually assaulted? How about Kathleen Willey?

ES – But that was a long time ago.

PT – The fruit cake doctor is talking about almost forty years ago.

ES – But, but … Roe v Wade!

PT – End-Lesley you’re getting off point.

ES – Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! (runs off stage)

PT – Good night End-Lesley.

(Voice coming over the tape)

ES – How could you televise that? That wasn’t the spliced tape that was the discard. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

(President Trump is seated at his desk and calls out through the open door)

PT – Mike … Mike …… Mike …………. PEEEEEEEEENCE!!!!!!

(Vice President Pence enters through the door)

VPP – Right here as always Mr. President.

PT – Mike, good work on that Senate vote thing. You kept your cool with all those blue-haired psycho broads screaming for your blood and got the thing done. Although I think I would have thrown a couple of zingers up to the peanut gallery that would have been better than repeating, “will the sergeant at arms please restore order to the gallery” a hundred times.

VPP – Thank you Mr. President but I must admit that all the credit must go to you for showing such firmness in the face of an almost maniacal determination against you.

PT – I have to agree with you Mike. It is all because of me and that’s why I called you.

VPP – (mumbling under his breath) Oh, no.

PT – Mike, we can’t let this great victory go uncelebrated. We must provide a memorial to it.

VPP – Well sir, that hardly seems …

PT – I was considering adding my face to Mount Rushmore but honestly it doesn’t seem fair to me. I mean, come on! Sure, Washington and Lincoln won wars but Jefferson and Roosevelt? All they did was write stuff, well except for that canal and we did give it away so big deal!

VPP – Oh sir, this is such a bad…

PT – Mike, you’re so right. Mount Rushmore is such a bad location for a monument. I mean who goes to North Dakota?

VPP – South Dakota.

PT – You see? Nobody even knows where it is.

VPP – What I meant was…

PT – Exactly. The American people deserve better. As a tribute to the intelligence of the American people electing me president I am signing an executive order authorizing the collection of gold for the hair on my monument.

VPP – Gold?

PT – Yes, gold for the hair will make it more visible and also act as caulking to prevent erosion of the head.

VPP – How big is this going to be?

PT – None of this is written in stone yet.

VPP – Joke?

PT – Not funny. Anyway, the way I envision this is the top thousand feet of Pike’s Peak can be reworked so that it’s shaped like a much larger version of the Washington Monument. And on top of that will be my head with the hair made out of 24 carat gold. Can you just see it?

VPP – I’m imagining some kind of gargantuan pez dispenser that can be seen across all of North America. Your hair will blind jet airline pilots for a thousand miles in all directions.

PT – Well that’s what the Tac Visor is for isn’t it?

VPP – Mr. President, have you ever heard of Ozymandias?

PT – Never was a big fan of Heavy Metal.

VPP – Ah, well. Mr. President, even though we are all very appreciative of what you did with the Kavanaugh appointment it may still be premature for you to self-declare the need for a memorial to yourself quite so gargantuan.

PT – Why?

VPP – Well, if for no other reason, because there hasn’t been enough gold mined on the whole planet to cover a monument that big. Especially if it has to accurately scale up your own, ahhh, generous hair style.

PT – Ah hah! That’s where you’re wrong. I have consulted with Elon Musk. And in exchange for calling off the SEC from hounding him, he will locate and transport a giant gold asteroid right to Pike’s Peak to be used conveniently for my hair. So as you can see it’s all coming together.

VPP – You’re right. What was I thinking? How could this not be a good idea? Anything else sir?

PT – Well, as I said earlier, I think you did a great job on the Senate vote thing and I was wondering if you wanted your head to be put somewhere too.

VPP – No, thank you sir. My head is going to need to be examined pretty soon and I don’t think I could bear to have it staring back at me from a mountain any time soon. Besides, I’m starting to think my head is stuck somewhere it won’t be seen.

I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best. I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments. This one began back in March 2018.

MS – Lycra, maybe for the sake of any of the at-home audience who were in comas yesterday and didn’t hear the earth shattering events you could relate a synopsis of events leading up to this sad, sad day.

LS – No, Shmoe. Anyone too stupid or callous to educate himself to the scope and details of yesterday’s global catastrophe cannot be helped and must be allowed to perish from the earth, or at least be shadow-banned from Twitter. But I will say this, Mr. Toodles’ abduction, brutal murder and cannibalization is laid squarely at the feet of Donald Trump.

MS – Yes, absolutely. Trump’s support for the unnamed perpetrator (a rogue leader of an unnamed country with the initials NK) was what enabled this heinous crime. Any sensible President would answer this unspeakable provocation with a measured, proportionate response, namely, the total thermonuclear annihilation of North Korea, err, I mean NK.

LS – Yes Shmoe, that seems just. Even merciful if you consider it the right way.

MS – And by the right way you mean the left way. A truly progressive world view recognizes that the brutal murder of even one somewhat plus-sized American pug dog must be the moral equivalent of incinerating fifty million East Asian people who engage in dog eating.

LS – That’s right Shmoe, very, very equivalent.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Oh for! … … … … …………………. Anyway, anyway we are demanding that Donald Trump immediately call off the peace process with NK and proceed directly to a full nuclear launch.

LS – Yes, warmonger Trump, do what you want to do anyway go directly to Def Jam 4.

MS – That’s DEFCON 1.

LS – Well, whatever channel it is on your remote go to it and start bombing those dog eaters. And I hear South Korea and China are also dog eaters so nuke them too.

MS – Uhhh, maybe we should slow down a minute. China is not only one of the larger nuclear powers with a population of over a billion people, it also makes most of the stuff we live on.

LS – Really Shmoe, really? Is that all you care about Mr. Toodles? I mean, just because there is a small chance that you will get nuked, you let dog eaters roam the earth free, chowing down on chow-chows as the mood strikes them?

MS – Hey, just wait a second. I go along with almost all of your nutty crap day in and day out. Cut me a little slack when I don’t want to go beyond the partial annihilation of the planet over one dog.

LS – One dog? Mr. Toodles? After all he did for you? Do I even know you at all?

(as a staccato exchange of bickering breaks out between the married co-hosts, Producer Jorge, interrupts)

PJ – Lycra, Shmoe. I hate to interrupt but we have Donald Trump on line one.

MS – (audibly grinds his teeth but shakes it off and continues) What do you want Trump?

PT – I called up to broker a peace treaty between the two of you and my friend Kim Jong Un.

LS – (starts screaming incoherently then yells) Monster, murderer! You are responsible for the murder of Mr. Toodles.

PT – Calm yourself Lycra Spandexy, at your advanced age a stroke is always a concern.

LS – (once again starts screaming incoherently then yells) I am not old! I am young and beautiful and in the prime of my life as a powerful, talented and desirable woman.

PT – Sure, sure, whatever, now listen. Kim Jong Un called me up last night and told me all about the joke he pulled on you two. It’s not widely known but he has a very wry sense of humor. He took your morbidly obese and pop-eyed canine and brought him along on his flight back to Pyongyang. The dog is well, or as well as he was when taken, and will be returned to you unharmed in return for an apology.

LS – I’ll never apologize to that monster.

PT – Oh it’s worse than that. You have to apologize to me.

MS – What? Why would we apologize to you?

PT – Well you see, Kim thinks it’s beneath his dignity to negotiate with a leader whose own people hold in such low esteem that they insult him publicly. So, he is insisting that you two be made an example and forced to perform the equivalent of a North Korean show trial where you denounce yourselves through a long list of your thought and deed crimes. He reluctantly agreed that you didn’t have to end off by being summarily executed with a bullet through the brain paid for by your families.

MS – We’ll never do it.

PT – That’s your choice but the dog is still in North Korea and he is about oven-stuffer size. And the Korean Festival of the Garlic and Ginseng Stuffed Dog does begin next week.

PT – Oh, don’t rush me. I’ll get back to you when I’ve got the script finished. I’ll just let Kim know it’s a deal and we’ll set up the broadcast in a day or so. And believe me when I say that what you’ll have to say will bring tears to those leftist blue state eyes of yours. Till then rejoice. Your pop-eyed pooch was dead but now is alive again. Trump out.

Looking ahead, I will be reviewing a few science fiction and fantasy books. I’m currently reading the pre-release copy of Hans G. Schantz’s third volume in his “Hidden Truth” series. It’s called “The Brave and the Bold.” It’s a combination of a techno-thriller and a parallel history story. I’m only about halfway through but there are all kinds of nice touches. And the technical stuff is 100% legit. And there are a couple of other books in the hopper. Larry Correia edited a collection of short stories by famous (and not so famous) fantasy writers writing in his Monster Hunter universe called “The Monster Hunter Files.” Then there’s the next volume in the Galaxy’s Edge series called “Message for the Dead.” So, it’s a busy reading month ahead. I have some movie reviews coming up and I want to go through some of my older photo collections for fresh content for the photo of the day. And I’ve got to keep up with my Trump vs … series. President Trump is sure to get involved in political mayhem sometime soon and he’s sure to bring along his long-suffering buddy Mike Pence and fixer Mad Dog Mattis for clean up. And of course the daily drum beat of SCOTUS confirmation lunacy and mid-term skullduggery along with the baleful shadow of Mueller will provide me with plenty of fresh fodder for my political blather.

Any of the regular readers know that I dabble in ridiculous satire with a cartoon version of President Trump and absurd versions of all our favorite Washington villains. Ove the last couple of years I’ve had newly elected President Trump become a werewolf and devour the State Department just to help drain the Swamp. I’ve indulged in time travel, personality transfer technology and the President and the First Lady opening up a dating service to help Millennials avoid dying childless. Nothing was beyond the pale.

But how can I compete with the Resistance? A senior Senator from the great State of California introduced a woman who accused Brett Kavanaugh of complicity in multiple occurrences of gang rape at a college fraternity. How can I compete with that? I mean, after the first “incident” would there be a rationale for returning? Was it just to make sure she wasn’t mistaken with respect to the nature of the proceedings?

The only way I can think of to keep up with real life is have one of the Resistance testify before the Senate to having been abducted onto a flying saucer at the hands of Space Alien Brett Kavanaugh. That might work! But I will have to work on the details. Is Alien Brett a humanoid alien indistinguishable from earthlings? Or is he one of the Star Trek, The Next Generation aliens that have some kind of wrinkles on their brow that saves enormous amounts of money on expensive latex costumes? Or is he a really disgusting worm or squid or something and only looks human when he wants to like from Men in Black? These are tough questions to decide on. I guess from the point of view of the Resistance, there is no more horrible monster than a normal white man so if he’s that kind of alien it would sure make the conviction easy. If he’s got the brow wrinkles he still looks mostly like a white man but it might earn him enough diversity points to confuse the shrieking harpies. And if he’s a squid then the tree huggers will probably declare him an endangered species and declare him king of the world. Decisions, decisions.

Well, anyway, you see my predicament. Life has completely swamped out parody and satire. There are literally no limits to the tactics these people will stoop to. They will destroy anyone and everyone who stands in the way of their agenda. I’ve maintained that the Alt-Right, Dissident Right or whatever else people call it is wrong to think that we can’t get back to normal. They claim that the country is broken and all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men are out of luck. I’ve somewhat waveringly hoped that the Trumpocalypse will right the ship and we can cobble together a new coalition of the less crazy that can eliminate the toxic excesses of Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society and try to rebuild on the ruins of the old society that really was great. But it gets harder and harder to believe that the idiots on the establishment right are capable of withstanding the beating they will take if they try to resist the Resistance. I mean it was sort of entertaining to hear Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell make noises like un-neutered men. It was novel and it made me feel almost sympathetic for their plight. Almost. But they’re gonna have to do a whole lot better than that if they want to win. Meanwhile let me get that copy of Galaxy Quest off the shelf. I’m going with squid.