This is not a think piece about how "problematic" theterriblefuckinpuppets are in DirecTV's new series of ads currently running over and over during every commercial break of every TV show. It's A FACT PIECE. And the facts are in: Fuck these puppets.

Questions: In what situation is a life-sized puppet ever not a fucking nightmare? Why even bother with the concept of marionettes if they're just going to be computer generated? Who are we to believe is operating the strings of these fucking things? Are we supposed to sympathize with the human man for having a subhuman wife and child? What does a suspension wire have to do with a signal wire? Why does DirecTV think that a wireless DVR is a good idea in the first place when my Aunt Katherine is ALLERGIC to wi-fi.

Fuck this boy puppet, just walking around like a clumsy piece of shit and getting caught in the ceiling fan. If you're going to be a CGI marionette puppet living amongst human beings, get it the fuck together.

Fuck this lady puppet who can't even seduce her husband without looking like an asshole.

Also fuck her pouring skills because this fucking puppet cannot even fucking pour.

Fuck the father-in-law puppet, his tattoo is dumb and his punches look like tickles!

Fuck this human man for marrying a puppet in the first place. What kind of dark mental problems must he have to both pursue and happily maintain a nightmare existence like this? And did he adopt the puppet woman's child from a previous relationship with another puppet or is his genetic material just so recessive that his biological child is a full blown fucking puppet? Fuck this guy.