Claire & Christopher

*Claire, Director of Disease Prevention & Christopher, Engineer*

Ok you guys. This is so good. It’s just, so effing good. Claire and Christopher planned their wedding in just a month and found a way to dramatically simplify, while figuring out how to reclaim marriage and weddings from the cultural bullsh*t that they flat-out didn’t believe in. Which isn’t even mentioning how gorgeous and bad ass this wedding is. (Motorcycles. F*ck yeah.) But as amazing as this wedding is, it’s just the prelude. Tomorrow morning, Claire will be back with a possibly-even-more-gorgeous post, discussing their marriage.

Before I was a Wedding Graduate, I was a Wedding Dropout. Before meeting the man who is now my husband, I had previously been engaged for two years to someone else. Looking back, I’m finally able to admit that my first reaction when I realized he was proposing was sheer panic. However, when the man you love is kneeling before you with tears in his eyes, asking you to accept his offer of everlasting love, “Um, I don’t think this is a good idea,” just doesn’t seem like a possible response. So I said yes. I called my mom and tried my best to sound thrilled and deliriously happy.

But what I was really thinking was, “Oh shit. I just committed to something that I don’t think I really want. And now I don’t know how to fix it or what to do about it.” So what I did was nothing. Literally nothing—years passed and we never set a date, or really got started planning the wedding. When I finally stopped suppressing my anxiety and actually listened to what my gut was telling me about this relationship, it became painfully clear that it just wasn’t right. So, after a year of trying to make things work in couples’ therapy, I made the difficult and painful decision to call off the wedding and end the relationship. That sucked. A lot. I can’t tell you how helpful it was to read the thoughtful and supportive discussion APW started on this topic. Better than all that therapy, for sure.

Fast-forward a few months and I met Christopher after my girlfriends insisted that I post a profile on Match.com. I was clear with him from the get-go that I was planning to move out-of-state soon and wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. Despite the safety barriers that I tried to put up, I shocked myself by falling madly in love with him and building a relationship with him that was better than I ever knew was possible.

I remember talking with Christopher early in our relationship about my suspicion that I would likely never marry due to my ambivalence toward the institution of marriage. Our conversation confirmed we shared many of the same key values and concerns, but then Christopher said something that made me rethink everything. He said, “You know, I think it is possible to get married on your own terms, without buying into all that bullshit. I don’t think it’s an either/or choice. Either you have to force yourself to fit into society’s narrow-minded little definition of marriage, or else you have to take yourself out of the game altogether? No. So call bullshit and play by your own rules.” Wow. Right?

So that’s what we did. When we decided to join forces, we spent a lot of time talking through how we wanted to design the blueprint of our marriage to reflect and reinforce our values and what that meant for us.

I’ve always said I’m not really a wedding-planning kinda’ girl. What I meant was that I have little interest and few skills in party planning or wedding aesthetics in general. I’d never planned so much as a dinner party and the thought of planning a wedding filled me with fears of inadequacy. Besides, the idea of saying such intensely personal things in front of a crowd seemed nerve-racking and unnecessary. I wanted to elope and get on with our lives.

Christopher agreed our wedding shouldn’t be a choreographed performance, but it was really important to him that our families be there to witness our commitment. So elopement was out. Once that was settled, I went on a popular wedding website and pulled up the wedding planning worksheet. When I saw the planning tasks started sixteen months out, I laughed out loud and immediately started searching for a more practical wedding guide. The google gods smiled on me and sent me to APW’s “The Lazy (and possibly cheap) Girls Guide To Having A Blog-Chic Wedding.” I breathed a huge sigh of relief and thought, “Now that’s more like it!”

Meanwhile, Christopher was really good about reassuring me that we didn’t need to plan “a wedding.” We just needed to plan our marriage and a celebration of that marriage. Keeping the focus on the marriage and letting go of all the baggage and expectations around wedding planning really was key. Yes, I’m completely inept at crafting. So I said eff it. There will be no creative, adorable, perfectly coordinated details at this wedding and everyone will survive. In fact, “it’s just details” became our mantra over the course of the next four weeks.

Yes, four weeks. That’s how long we had to plan our wedding.

Our thinking was: if we have a year to plan the wedding, a whole year of our life will be consumed with wedding planning; if we have four weeks to plan the wedding, it will get done in four weeks. And it did.

In fact, it was so much easier than I imagined. All the big pieces just fell into place that first weekend. Our favorite restaurant agreed to cater the food, we picked our venues, our favorite singer-songwriter agreed to play for us, and a wickedly talented friend agreed to be our photographer at a price that was within our (admittedly limited) budget. Most importantly, one of our very dear mutual friends agreed to be our officiant, even though her own wedding was the very next weekend—what an incredible gift that was! After that weekend, I was walking on air, because everything else was just details.

The other sanity-saving rule we instituted was “one and done.” That simply meant coming together to make thoughtful decisions and then moving on and refusing to second-guess our choices.

For us, playing by our own rules meant not feeling obligated or constrained by wedding traditions that weren’t meaningful to us. Luckily, both of our families were incredibly supportive in encouraging us to do what felt right for us. It meant a lot that my evangelical Christian family never tried to sway us away from our homemade Humanist ceremony.

My husband and I are both allies in the fight for marriage equality, and it mattered to us that our wedding referenced this in some way. We decided to place a bowl of White Knots for marriage equality next to our guestbook. One of the most meaningful memories is how my parents, siblings, and nieces sat with my husband and me the night before our wedding and helped us cut the ribbons and tie the white knots. At first, my Dad thought marriage equality meant the husband and wife would be equals in their marriage. I pulled up the whiteknot.org website and explained what marriage equality meant to us. I was worried he would be offended and walk out, but he just said a quiet, “Oh,” and continued helping my young nieces tie knots. That was priceless to me.

That’s not to say things didn’t go wrong. The day of the wedding was a series of hectic mishaps that left us running late and missing our pre-wedding photos. After zipping me into my dress, we made a quick run-through of the party room, only to find someone had rearranged our setup, the caterer (and food) hadn’t shown up, the bartender (with all the alcohol) was nowhere to be found, and the vases sat empty on all the tables. We took ten seconds to clear the empty vases off the tables, shrugged our shoulders and said, “Fuck it. We don’t have time to deal with this shit. We have to go get married.” Then we hopped on his motorcycle and rode off to the theater, where all our family and friends were already gathered.

Sitting on the back of that motorcycle in my wedding dress, I practiced some Ujjayi Pranayama breathing and silently repeated to myself, “Let go of all the external distractions and be actively present in this moment.” I know it sounds hokey, but that’s how I made my wedding zen. Did I realize our guests might arrive at a reception with no food or drinks? I did. Was I stressed about that? No. For real. In fact, I shocked myself by how little I cared. Normally, I would have whipped out my phone and frantically started dialing, but there was no way I was going to let the food and alcohol at the reception hijack my mood and overshadow the importance of the vows we were about to say. When we pulled up at the theater, I was just giddy with excitement and happiness. All my nervousness and fear of public speaking were just gone and I was inexplicably relaxed and at ease.

As someone who had pushed for an elopement, I was surprised by how meaningful and powerful it was to be surrounded by our loved ones as we said our vows to each other. I had previously thought of marriage as a private commitment between me and my husband, but when we were in the moment it seemed more like we were main characters in a story that was so much bigger than ourselves. The ceremony was deeply personal, hilarious, and meaningful to us, and Christopher cried the whole time. The love radiating toward us was palpable, and I remember feeling overwhelmingly joyful and grateful that all these people traveled from around the world to witness and support our union. They could give a shit about our signature drink. They’d be just as happy drinking water from Solo cups.

The only lesson I have to share is one I learned weeks after the wedding. Whenever I would talk about the day I would avoid using the word wedding, as if to protect my little wedding from any preconceived expectations or avoid disappointing people. I had just told a colleague something like, “Oh, it wasn’t really a wedding. We just got married, and had a really simple little get-together afterwards to celebrate.” She stopped me by saying, “So are you happy with the choices you made? Yeah? Then own it! Don’t downplay it. Give it the respect it deserves. You got married. That makes it a real wedding. Period.”

I felt chastened for like two seconds before going, Yeah. F*ck yeah! I had a real wedding! It was the wedding I had never dreamed of, and it was everything I never knew I wanted.

Ha, I was just going to comment to give a shout-out to the Twin Cities too! Fun to see places I recognize in the photos and know that there are APW folks here.

http://webecomeus.wordpress.com Caitlin

aw, yeah! :)

Claire

Thanks Minneapolis ladies! I really hope to meet y’all at the next book club!

http://www.staciafuchsiaphoto.com stacia

DANNY SCHMIDT played at your wedding? hot damn! i love his music!

thanks for sharing your story and that sweet photo of the two of you on the motorcycle! with six months to go of an 18-month engagement i am wishing we’d only had 4 weeks, too… but i know the extra time has been good for our relationship in other ways, so.

Claire

Isn’t his songwriting amazing? Danny Schmidt and Carrie Elkin played The Winds (our song) as part of the ceremony and they played an acoustic set at the reception. It was perfect for us.

Martha

Just wanted to say that A) your take on this is awesome, B) you looked stunning!, and C) I love that your husband rides a Triumph. :)

http://bettencourtchase.blogspot.com Helen

I agree with your coworker: a wedding is whatever you make it, and it looks like you two made it exactly what you wanted it to be. Congratulations!!

http://www.hibouphoto.com kandise

F*ck yeah! This is beautiful. Congratulations!

http://elegantsimplewedding.blogspot.com/ PA

Twin Cities shout-out! (Also forwarding this to a friend who works at the wedding site.)

Before I say anything else: AMAZING SHOES. There. Had to get that out.

An elegant, beautiful post and a glorious wedding – the smiles in your photos are infectios! I am really, REALLY looking forward to your post tomorrow. Thank you for sharing!

Claire

The Guthrie was an amazing venue. I was shocked that they welcome anyone to get married anywhere in their building for free – guerilla style. And the spaces only cost a couple hundred dollars to reserve for 3 hours.

http://www.lilpets.wordpress.com Sandy

You forgot to mention where you got the shoes!

RachelC

Yeah…a few things. The shoes, the motorcycle, this “Our thinking was: if we have a year to plan the wedding, a whole year of our life will be consumed with wedding planning; if we have four weeks to plan the wedding, it will get done in four weeks. And it did.” — I also wish I had thought of that. Not that the year and a half we planned our wedding was awful, it wasn’t and I needed more than a month to wrap my head around it but still…we could have done with a BIT less of an engagement. Oh well…oh and also your husband is just the cutest thing ever. Congratulations and I just adore this whole thing. Amazing, amazing, amazing.

http://www.christytylerphotography.com Christy T

I loved this story – from beginning to end. I love that you made the right decisions for you and your husband (and for yourself prior, by calling off the other engagement)! And I love love love the dress & shoes! AH!

http://unexpected-moments.blogspot.com/ Sheryl

It sounds like you *really* got married on your own terms. :) Which is super awesome.

Also, your dress is the bomb.

http://thecelebrationgirl.com Marcela

Gorgeous wedding! Love it! My kind of party exactly, and in fact, very similar to our own philosophy.
My husband and I had a civil wedding in Italy, with only a couple of friends, no family, and after the ceremony we walked to our favourite restaurant. It wasn’t an elopment because everyone knew we were getting married (it was just not possible to bring our families together due to the cost of it all and our particular circumstances at the time of marriage) but people assumed that we had “missed something”. I used to get very upset when people told me “Oh you didn’t have a wedding” because I always considered that I did have a wedding. I just didn’t have a wedding PARTY, with all that people think a wedding party should involve. But a wedding I loved, that I certainly had and I have always felt that doing it in our own terms brought my husband and I closer together. So, kudos to you for reclaiming the term wedding!

Claire

Your wedding sounds lovely! We actually considered doing pretty much the same thing.

http://onegirloneguytwocats.wordpress.com/ Heather

Such a great story, and how awesome is your husband and his attitude? I love this:

“You know, I think it is possible to get married on your own terms, without buying into all that bullshit. I don’t think it’s an either/or choice. Either you have to force yourself to fit into society’s narrow-minded little definition of marriage, or else you have to take yourself out of the game altogether? No. So call bullshit and play by your own rules.”

It’s such a good point and to an extent something that my husband and I tried to keep in mind when planning our wedding. We did things our way and our wedding and reception was an amazingly fun and joyful time that people still talk about.

Your wedding was beautiful and I’m also looking forward to your story tomorrow!

Emily A

That statement applies to so much of the getting-married process, but moreover, to so many of the choices we make. We are told we can either conform or not participate, but we can – we must! – make our own way.

Also, your arms just inspired me to do push-ups. From now until July.

Claire

“We are told we can either conform or not participate, but we can – we must! – make our own way.”

So well stated.

And our officiant/friend was just teasing me about “the size of my guns” since Christopher got me to start working out.

http://livinglnf.blogspot.com Jo

Oh my god, YES. This is why we wed. In some way, it feels like the snags on wedding days are there in order to help us put it in perspective. That they are a reminder – This is huge. This is not about details. This is about celebration of a marriage, which can be done in any way you choose. Your words conveyed this and I know it to be true from my own experience. Great piece. It should be required reading for all brides and grooms to be.

Granola

This was a really lovely post. I knew going in that taking a year to plan our wedding meant that it probably would consume our lives for a year (My fiance may or may not have mentioned this contingency when we talked about becoming engaged.). For me, so far, it’s been a stressful gift – I’ve had the luxury of time to adjust to this major life transition and the pain in the a** of thinking about it constantly. Kudos to you for your bravery in doing what was right for you and not letting the feelings of inadequacy consume you. Even though we’re having a pretty traditional wedding, I’m torn between “I don’t feel like I should care about these things and I’m not sure I want them.” and “But what if it won’t be a ‘good enough’ wedding without them and my alternative ideas aren’t wedding material.” Letting go of that need to please is slow going. Own your wedding, because that’s *exactly* what it was!

Julia

Thanks very much for this post. The very idea of planning a wedding is so stressful to both my boyfriend and me – we know that we want one (instead of eloping/courthouse), but the fact that it seems to take a year of your life and more money than you thought you wanted to spend is so daunting. It is great to have a model of what looks like a wonderful celebration done on your own terms. And I like your husband’s attitude – that it’s not either/or, it’s up to you!

Lakelady

This is one of my fave wedding grad posts ever–had me near tears with all of the beautiful and TRUE sentiments. Thanks for writing it!

http://poppiesandicecream.blogspot.com/ Amanda

Wow, can I exactly the whole post. The joy, how powerful the day feels when all your loved ones are there, how you dont care about details, planning without second guessing and going for your gut.
That venue looks like an airport gate, or is it just my love for travel speaking?
Anyway, all the joy, and happiness and joy to you guys.

KW

It’s the Guthrie Theater (see link in post). Its architect won the Pritzker Prize in architecture soon after it was completed. The ceremony and pics appear to be taken on and near the “Endless Bridge,” a part of the building that juts out towards the Mississippi River.

Moz

This is fricking awesome. Congrats on your marriage xx

JESSICA

You looked AMAZING. Seriously. Incredible dress, incredible shoes, incredible hair. Phenomenal. Best of all, the happiest and most radiant bride. Clearly you made all the right choices for you two and the lovely people around you. Awesomeness.

And the motorcycle! If my husband could have had our motorcycle in our wedding, I can assure you he would have, but alas, we were married overseas. If he sees your photos I think he might just die of envy….

Congrats, Claire!

AMHM

“I had previously thought of marriage as a private commitment between me and my husband, but when we were in the moment it seemed more like we were main characters in a story that was so much bigger than ourselves.”

THIS. I felt the exact same way about my ceremony. Thank you for sharing your story, it was very touching!

Kat

I just have to say: LOVE YOUR SHOES
:)

RBBL

Congrats! What an inspirational post!
Who made your dress? I’ve been looking for something tea length and I love yours!

Claire

Thanks! I bought this dress off the rack at the Adolfo Dominguez store at a mall in Miami.

Tamara Van Horn

Love the shoes. Srsly.

You created your own Wedding Zen, and that was amazing to do.

I also stopped planning a wedding and just did a wedding, and found my stress lifted…so EXACTLY, exactly, and congratu-freaking-lations!

Chiara

This made me cry: “Normally, I would have whipped out my phone and frantically started dialing, but there was no way I was going to let the food and alcohol at the reception hijack my mood and overshadow the importance of the vows we were about to say.”

Because you’re so right. The things you are promising to each other are so very very much more important than whether or not the guests have food or booze, or whatever. Let them riot while you concentrate on the hugely meaningful thing you are doing.

Kate

So . . . did the food make it? Don’t leave us hanging!
And congratulations on having a lovely, meaningful wedding on your terms!

Claire

Yes! After the ceremony, I whispered the crisis to a girlfriend and she rounded up a few rock star ladies to rush over and handle it. Christopher and I took some time to ourselves after the ceremony and by the time we rejoined our guests at the reception, the food and bartender were all in place and people were gushing about the deliciousness.

I later found out evil security had turned the caterer and bartender away from unloading and forced them to park blocks away and run the food/alcohol over.

April

Claire, Did you have the reception at the Gutherie too? I know that they only allow the use of their own catering service, yet i see you used Saffron. Am seriously looking into using the Gutherie, just have some reservations about the catering issue…money wise..

April

*LOVE* I love that quick wedding planning for you actually made your celebration sweeter and easier. Man, I wish I could’ve been this way. I’m the crazy person where, if someone had given me the option of one month or one year of planning, I’d have asked, “Can I have TWO?” (Which, by the way, we did. And wow – did it ever wear me out.)

But clearly one month worked oh-so-beautifully for you and HURRAH for that! And now can I say that hot damn you two are gorgeous and I die for your dress and your shoes. :D

p.s. Oh, and the motorcycle? AWESOME.

http://medeamaterial.com Juliana

It was the wedding I had never dreamed of, and it was everything I never knew I wanted.

THIS.

I love your story and how you came to embrace marriage: focusing on the big things and not the pesky details, making it about the marriage you want to have and not the wedding you are supposed to want. You guys look absolutely happy and glowing, and in the pictures its almost as if you are floating in the sky.

JT

I stopped reading at the picture of the you on the motorcycle, to say… zomg- amazing!!! And I love your dress!

Also, I love the philosophy that prompted 4 weeks of planning. Isn’t that true for so many things in life? They take up as much time as you let them.

Congratulations on your beautiful wedding!

Krista

“Besides, the idea of saying such intensely personal things in front of a crowd seemed nerve-racking and unnecessary. I wanted to elope and get on with our lives.”

This sums up my engagement mentality. Completely. In fact, after several months of thinking that, we too said eff this and planned our wedding in five weeks. And then we were free! and married! And I do agree with you.. it surprised me how much it meant to have our friends and family there. Community is a wonderful thing.

Lovely post.. so much joy! :)

http://englishyerrors.blogspot.com Madeline

TWO pairs of shoes?? I did it too, but accidentally and not quite as fabulously. Hooray for zebra print!

Claire

I gotta admit, the zebra shoes were my husband’s idea – to match his Minneapolis knit hat. The plain heels I wore for the ceremony were a compromise with one of our mothers, who implored me to wear something a little more “classy”.

Claire

Yep, it’s the Guthrie Theater. Our ceremony was actually in the “amber box” – the Pohlad Lobby right outside the Dowling Studio. Some of the pictures were taken on the Endless Bridge.

Ms. Whatsit

Your wedding was beautiful! With a venue like that, who needs decoration or details? I wish I were as brave as you and could limit my wedding planning to a shorter time frame. Because you’re right, it does consume you. We also have the “one and done” rule, and that’s helped a lot. I’ve decided that no matter what “they” say about vetting 3 or 4 of each vendor, we’ll just take the first one that seems right and be done with it, no second guessing.

Claire

That’s exactly what we did and it made things so much easier to just pick the first option we liked and check that off the list. No need to go see all the other options, this will do just fine. It helped cut out a lot of stress that comes with my tendency to over-research options, agonize over pros and cons, then question whether we made “the best” choice.

http://katerees.blogger.com kate

I love this wedding. When I think I need to over plan (because I love planning) I’m going to come back to this post and remember that in the end it could be the most perfect day without any of the bells and whistles. in the end it’s the two of celebrating a marriage, our marriage, with our loved ones.

http://txtingmrdarcy.wordpress.com Txtingmrdarcy

“She stopped me by saying, “So are you happy with the choices you made? Yeah? Then own it! Don’t downplay it. Give it the respect it deserves. You got married. That makes it a real wedding. Period.””

This!!! Your whole post was so wise and wonderful, but this really stood out. As in smiling until my cheeks hurt. There’s no way that anyone reading your post and looking at your pictures would call your day anything BUT a wedding. And a joyful, drop-dead gorgeous one at that.

AmErika

Wow SO many things to love about this….but what I loved what the ending…the “yeah? YEAH, F*uck yeah!” Own it hot stuff! You had a rocking wedding. And I LOVED your ceremony venue…man that view! congrats to you and your awesome man (loved everything you said about him).

Canadian Amy

I need to give this whole post to my man the next time he asks me about wedding/marriage stuff!

Your viewpoint completely mirrors mine:
– I only recently (well a year ago) decided that marriage can be something that wouldn’t be a terrible thing for my to choose
– I secretly want to elope because I want it to be a private thing for just us.
– I’ve insisted that even if we have a wedding it won’t be ‘wedding-y’
– I’ve made it very clear to the boyfriend that I have no interest in a long engagement and that if I can’t plan the type of wedding I want in under 3 months, then I’m doing it wrong!

Thanks thank thanks for outlining a wedding path that is perfect for me and that (hopefully) won’t confuse the people in my life when the time comes for my relationship to take that step.

Thanks!

EK

I know this is a bit late, but Claire, you rock! Oddly enough, I was also a Wedding Dropout before I became a Wedding Graduate, and also met my husband on Match.com a few months after my broken engagement after friends convinced me to post a profile. My husband and I also chose to have an awesomely small, stripped-down “un-wedding.” Needless to say, I can really relate to this post :) Love everything about this beautiful wedding and the philosophy behind it. Cheers to marrying the right person on your own terms!

Claire

Thanks, wedding twin! And congrats to you too.

Ake

Oh my gosh, I LOVE you. Your post on your nieces is the only wedding website post EVER that has made me cry. Ever. Your values totally rock, and your zebra striped shoes alone could have made me shed a tear or two…they are GORGEOUS! The top wedding picture is also one of the hotest wedding pictures I’ve seen, I think…but most of all I love your values. Rock on lady.

KS

the only reason why my wedding planning is taking six months (and apparently for a lot of people, this is really short?) is because I have to accommodate the school year (my brother and his girlfriend are still in college). Otherwise, heck, 4 weeks is good enough …(though my parents who have to buy very expensive flight tickets would disagree). I was raised as a big white wedding girl, only to decide I wanted something really small and private … and then to considering just the two of us (elopement). We’re going with what you went with =P