51. Night horror

I have a terrible night with the pain. It is strong all the time and does not stop, in spite of all my tricks. Maybe I sleep a little here and there. Not much. The pain is strong all the time. I sit and do EFT. This is a strong technique and usually it makes the pain subside at least to 40% of its power. This time it does nothing. All I know is that I do not know and I do not understand anything. I don’t know. I don’t know. My mind is blank.

At 4AM I am at my table.

Want

The horribleness of doing

Hides the idea of need

As if this needed thing

Is out there

Belonging to another.

I am surprised to feel the horribleness of sexual violence from another life.

I have the thought that my pain may have something to do with Lyme disease.

I heard an interview with Brent Phillips, A teacher of Theta Healing, who had nerve pain and found in the end that it was due to Lyme-Disease. His pain did not stop until he found this out. He said that in order to get Lyme-Disease, one must have in his energy system the energy of Lyme-Disease. I am sure it is true. Nothing ever happens to us without us having the energy that calls it to be. Where is the energy of nerve pain in me, I think? Can it be that it is connected to this past life memory? As I am writing this now, I have these words in my mind: Yes! Yes already! Are you deaf, or what? But I did not have this thought in the night.

I write more:

Partial healing is finding a way to have what is natural.

Complete healing is finding oneness.

I do another drawing.

Desire

And another one.

Desire 2

This poem is for the two drawings together.

Her body is soft

I am shaking

As I walk

Near the bamboo plant

My body dripping

Beads of sweat.

Again this memory..

I do another drawing.

Everything moves like smoke

The energy

The shapes

The emotions

And even the horror

Swirl like smoke

That is one moment here

Then gone.

You see? Just drawing again and again and reading the drawing again and again creates a movement. The movement is the natural behavior of anything that we attend to closely, while not holding on to it. The intensity of the feelings and the memory decline. The forms of thoughts become formless. There is a sense of relief and of wellbeing.

The next night, as I lay in bed, I listen to a CD of clearing trauma in the Theta Healing way. It guides me and helps me in releasing all the reasons for keeping the memory of trauma. Then there is a release of the trauma itself. I had this CD at home for a few months, but never listened to it. It so happened that the day before, I listened to part 1, which is about entering the Theta state. This night I, naturally, took #2 and it is about trauma. You see how life helps?