What am I squealing about today?

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I haven’t published a blog since October last year. I just noticed that it was around the time when my granddaddy got really sick and things started going downhill after he had hip surgery. So many lives have been lost since then in this country and personally in my family. My family entered into a season of death like I have never seen before. As a matter of fact I am going to a funeral this Saturday. I came across the below post I wanted to post to my church group after one of my clients committed suicide. I think I did. I don’t remember.Something told me to go ahead and make it public. Remember this is from May 2016 and a lot of things happened to me personally after that. Maybe I will share one day.

Please read below. It’s unedited.

One of my clients committed suicide. It was sad to hear and sadder to even think what could have been so bad so troubling that you no longer wanted to live. It bothers me that the client had no hope. I can’t judge because I too have felt hopeless. Like that could possibly be the only way out. But prayer works. Not just mine but the people who pray for me. Yet in addition to prayer sometimes you just need to get those issues out or maybe get something out of balance in balance. I’ve told people over and over again if you have a tummy ache you got to the doctor to get better. It’s the same with the mind. Everything isn’t a demon. Sometimes you can have a certified sickness or some sort of mental trauma that you need to see someone about. It’s ok, if you need a pill take it. I myself said I would not take medication from a therapist etc, but that’s me and I pray I never have to. You or someone you know may be different.

If you are going thru something I can bet you are not alone. We all have trouble. Talk to someone. No it doesn’t have to be me but if you want I can listen. I won’t judge, I can’t. I may seem to so called have it together but trust me we’ve probably been thru a lot of the same things. I’m just writing this in case someone feels hopeless, I guess like my client did. When I felt hopeless I went to a counselor. At first I did it due to the urging of loved ones, but now I am glad I did. I should have much sooner. I don’t share that a lot because it is a stigma that can come along with having trouble in the mind. People like to label you “crazy” when all you need is a little help or to talk and feel like you aren’t burdening your family and friends. It will seem weird at first, paying someone to listen to you, but I’d rather pay up then to end up…well you know. Yes that may be an extreme case but it is very common. I do believe in the power of prayer, but I do also believe God put people on earth to help us get better whether it is physical or mental. Yes we can go to our leaders, but they may be going thru their own personal battles. Just remember doctors, therapists, counselors and support groups have been put in place for a reason.

If I never feel sadness I would probably take my happiness for granted.

Happiness can turn to sadness in an instant. In the same breath you could be laughing so hard there are tears, and with one sentence those tears are tears of sadness. The good thing is that another happy time will come, at some point. Once I had the faith to know that happiness will find its way back to me then and only then I could accept situations that made me sad. Although it sounds cliche’ I came to a point where I understood that I had to give thanks in all things because God makes no mistakes. I often have to tell myself this which has happened, this what has caused me so much pain, this which has left an imprint on my soul, this which has changed my life, this which has hurt me, this is for the best. No matter how much my heart hurts from a situation I told myself that it is imperative that I find something to be thankful for. Though it sometimes takes a while, well a long time, I had to in order to make sense of things.

Jonas, Little, Cuz, when I first found out that you went to be with the Father I felt a sudden sense of emptiness, hurt and worry not only for me, but for your family and for one of your best friend’s, my brother. As a young girl I watched you form a bond with my brother one that would span your lifetime. I watched the two of you hang out, wreak havoc, but not the kind that would land you in jail, the kind that young boys get into. You blended with my family and he with yours as if you two had the same mother and father. Friendship, true friendship is a beautiful thing. I feel honored to have witnessed a beautiful friendship. From walking around Pinnacle Place during the summer until nightfall, from waking me up on Saturday mornings when the whole crew was in my backyard. Two friends became brothers. I watched you two snap pics before you picked up your prom dates, while you stood “bowlegged” because you said when you are fly you have to stand a little bowlegged. From you saying “lil sis” you can’t go with the big boys right now and that I needed to stay at home. And asking me if I “had one for you”. I never met some one who smiled all the time. I mean all the time. You always had a funny story, a witty comeback and a comforting remark. I loved when you were at the house because I knew I would be laughing for the rest of the night. As we grew up, the bond between you and my brother flourished through high school, college to adult hood. I remember the cruise we took maybe 2 or 3 summers ago, when you could not stop laughing about how many pancakes Brian ate. That was fun. But now you are gone. I stared while you lay there so peaceful never thinking or preparing myself to see a childhood friend that way. I was plagued with happy thoughts and rampant sadness. I sat, simultaneously thanking God for you being at peace with Him and being angry with God for taking you away. When the casket was closing I felt as if an elephant was on my chest. My hands trembled my legs twitched. I breathed deeply and didn’t want to be hugged at the time because if I did I would have crumbled. When it was time to leave, I stepped in the isle and grabbed my brother’s hand. Not sure if I was comforting him or if I needed him to comfort me. I know that he to selfishly wishes that you were still here to come to his wedding, to see his first child born, which I am sure would have been your god daughter, to see him be the man you played a role in him becoming. The friend that you were to my brother makes my heart ache for him and smile at the same time. You meant so much to all of us. I know one day this pain will dwindle and he—we will be able to go on with our lives but never forgetting how you made us feel when you were on earth with us. We will feel happiness again. We must. They say heaven is paradise, I imagine it is, especially with a special person like you there. I love you my friend, my brother. Until we meet again…