I’ll admit that the someone in question is driving a Peugeot, which means that they don’t have the first clue how to drive.

And that it’s very possible that by now they have indeed caused a ­terrible crash.

But in the footage Vine has uploaded, the man (or woman) does absolutely nothing wrong at all.

They simply pull out of a side road when Vine, on his silly ­children’s toy, was miles away.

He really does need to get off his high horse because, let’s be quite clear on something: The. Roads. Are. For. Cars.

We car drivers are prepared to ­accommodate bicycles but only if they behave like guests and show some damn manners.

Splash News

Preposterous . . . telly star Jeremy on his preposterous contraption

An occasional “thank you” would be nice.

Or maybe the occasional “after you”.

But no. All we get is a gallon of spittle-laced fury whenever we dare to get in their way. And why?

In London’s Hyde Park, there has always been a lovely cycle path all the way from Kensington to Mayfair.

And now they are narrowing the road so that a third of it can be turned into another cycle lane that runs parallel, and just feet away, from the one that’s existed for years.

All we get is a gallon of spittle-laced fury whenever we dare to get in their way

That’s extraordinary generosity on the part of the motorist.

So bear that in mind Vine, when they give you a microphone on Monday lunchtime, and the light goes green to say your show has begun.

Apologise for your irrational moments of madness.

And say that you are extremely grateful for the motorists’ kindness.

If you don’t, we will know that you are simply a bitter and twisted class warrior.

And that you have no place on an impartial organisation such as the BBC.

THERE’Snow a 20mph speed limit in the Piccadilly underpass in London. And, er, why? It’s a dual carriageway so there’s nothing coming in the opposite direction. There are no pedestrians. Or cyclists. So 20 is just absurd. It’s just stupidity from the lunatics we elect into office.

Kristin’s reply Scott me drooling

AS I may have mentioned about two million times before, I am completely in love with Kristin Scott Thomas.

Things are so bad that I am unable to speak properly if I think she is in the same postcode.

Then, on Wednesday, just as I was about to record the next instalment of our Grand Tour show, I noticed that she’d replied to one of my Instagram posts.

When you watch that show on television, and you notice that I spend the entire time in a corner of the studio, drooling, you’ll know why.

BIKERS,we are told, are 38 times more likely to die than any other road users. So, if your child comes home and tells you they’ve become a rent boy or a heavy user of heroin, be grateful that at least they don’t have a Honda CBR650F.

Bottom’s up for my Levi’s

EVERY couple of years, I go to the Levi’s shop and buy six pairs of identical jeans, which I wear, every day from then on, in rotation.

And what’s incredible is that down the line, they always, always disintegrate on the same day.

Refer to caption

Hardy . . . Levi's jeans are Jeremy's favourites

This week, I pulled on a pair, went to the shops, put my hand in my back pocket to get some cash and found my ar*e was hanging out.

With a bright red face, I scuttled home, pulled on another pair and I’m not kidding, the exact same thing happened again.

“I know what you mean,” said James May when I told him the story. “I bought ten pairs of pants from Marks and Spencer and . . . ”

CHILD KILLERS

TERROR HACK

ANT BACK

Ant arrives home at 2.40am after being held for 10 hours over 'drink-drive crash'

CREEP AROUND THE HOUSE

Burglar pats shoulder of Alzheimer's patient after stealing jewels

STAND FAST

When does the period of Lent end in 2018 and why does it last 40 days?

Bawling at moths

IT was a perfect summer, we’re told, for moths.

You can say that again.

My flat in London is completely infested with the damn things.

Alamy

Flaming mad . . . clothes moths are the bane of many a closet

They dance about in front of my vulgarsonic projector making the viewing of any film impossible, they’ve eaten two cardigans and all my socks, and now they’ve started to breed, which means every wall and ceiling is a seething mass of maggots.

It’s like living in a horror movie and they are completely immune to any form of insect spray.

I score a direct hit with a sustained burst of fire for a minute and I swear I can hear the damned things laughing.

We ‘mite pay price as OAPs

UNILEVER was savaged this week because it threatened to charge shoppers more for a jar of Marmite due to the plummeting value of the Pound.

We were told, in enormous headlines, that this huge multi-national made profits of £2 billion last year and that it’s ridiculous it should make a little old lady pay 10p more for her jar of beef extract.

Or whatever Marmite is.

Getty Images

Back from the spread . . . we should have put up with higher prices so we don't end up in penury in our old age

Well now I’m sorry, but if Unilever had needed to increase the price of stuff it sells to stay profitable then we would just have to have lived with it.

Because if Unilever stops making money, its shareholders suffer.

And because its shareholders are mostly giant pension funds, we suffer when we retire.

So, you could have either paid a bit more for your Marmite now.

Or died, alone and hungry, aged 67.

Your choice.

Anorexic frogs are no reason to halt progress

SO let’s see if I’ve got this straight.

If you apply nowadays to build an extension on your house, or a factory, or a power station, a bunch of armpit hair enthusiasts will sneak on to the site at night and litter it with a selection of rare newts.

When they are discovered the next morning, the council will say that no building work will be permitted until the newts have been moved, on cushions filled with the softest eiderdown, to a new home.

Ridiculous creatures . . . newts can get stuffed

Well now I’m sorry but can we be clear on one thing.

Newts are basically anorexic frogs and are not important.

That’s why they are endangered and rare.

Because they don’t eat properly.

And they don’t eat properly because they are vain and want to look supermodel good on Frog Instagram.

Sod ’em is what I say.

IN THEolden days, when there was a traffic jam on the motorway, you’d do everything in your power to get out of the way if a police car wanted to get past. Now, though . . . The problem is that in the olden days, the police car would get to the scene of what was causing the hold-up and move the obstruction as fast as possible. But not any more. Now, they get to the scene and immediately close the road for 30 hours. Which is why I get out of their way extremely reluctantly, because I know that if they get past quickly, and get to the obstruction before me, I’m going to be stuck while they do nothing except eat effing sandwiches.