In government we trust?

“There has been an incident. The government wishes you to know that there has been an incident.”

“What kind of incident?”

“An incident of small importance. The power company has informed the government of an incident of small importance, and the government is conveying this information to the people.”

“What information?”

“About the incident. Information about the incident which should cause the people no concern.”

“Is this about the explosion? The explosion at the nuclear plant?”

“We cannot confirm an explosion at a nuclear plant. In any event, the power company has informed the government that the situation is being handled in an appropriate manner.”

“Situation?”

“There is no situation of concern at the nuclear plant. Everything is being carefully observed, and appropriate steps are being taken as necessary.”

“Steps? What steps?”

“Also, the power company is very sorry for causing you bother.”

“What steps?”

“Appropriate steps only, and in keeping with the progression of circumstances. The government joins with the power company in being very sorry for causing you bother.”

“What about radiation? Is there radiation leaking from the nuclear plant?”

“At this time, we cannot confirm that there is radiation leaking from the nuclear plant. However, all authorities are engaged in ensuring safety for the people, and there is no cause for widespread alarm.”

“So when will you be able to confirm whether there is radiation leaking from the nuclear plant?”

“There is no cause for widespread alarm. Those people now residing within the interior designated zone are encouraged to consider their options.”

“Options? What options?”

“Also, those people now residing within the interior designated zone with small children, or those who are expecting small children, should especially consider their options.”

“But you said there was no cause for widespread alarm!”

“The government does not consider the interior designated zone to be widespread, but rather considers it to represent a targeted response to current conditions. The government will provide further instructions should current conditions deteriorate.”

“Deteriorate?”

“We cannot confirm that current conditions are deteriorating, or are likely to deteriorate. All efforts that can be undertaken at the present time are being undertaken.”

“Is this about the fires? Are the fuel rods on fire?”

“There is no cause for additional evacuation activities. The government encourages those people now residing within the intermediate designated zone to seek shelter indoors, and to seal their homes.”

“How can we seal our homes against radiation?”

“Radiation remains at tolerable levels in many cases, and constitutes no immediate danger to health or to safety. Those now in sealed homes should remain there until further instructions are forthcoming.”

“Why are other countries saying that the zones have to be much larger, and that the radiation leaks are much more serious? Why are other countries telling their citizens to leave?”

“The power company informs the government that it is hopeful of favorable outcomes, and is meeting these events with all available resources.”

“Fire hoses.”

“The government joins with the power company in being hopeful of favorable outcomes, and appreciates the good wishes of all people in the world directed toward the brave members of the crisis-mitigation team.”

“Crisis?”

“We cannot confirm that there is a crisis. Also…”

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at rickhoro@execpc.com.