It is strange being a Stay-at-home-Dad. For instance a chant of "ihopeiwinatoaster, ihopeiwinatoaster" floating up the basement steps. My nearly seven [eight] (now nine) ((now ten)) [[eleven]] {twelve} year-old twin boys concoct, devise, arrange, invent, write, say, imagine and dream the damndest things. Things that make me wonder. Ideas and stories that I may think on for days after I encounter them. I'll share some here. They made me do this.
Essential. Childhood. Nonsense. Explained.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

"Horn Down and Run"

It is easy to forget that kids are using the same brains we are, I mean, like, physiologically. They do not have the learning opportunities that a lifetime of experiences have given us; they do not have the vocabulary - words, emotions, feelings - that we can call upon to explain and understand our lives; they do not have the sense of security we may have which is garnered mostly from longevity, but their brains are capable of the same higher thinking which ours are.

"What are we gonna do tomorrow, Dad?"

"What shall we do after dinner, Mom?"

"Where do you wanna ride are bikes to?"

Or, a favorite of mine, perhaps the age-oldest unanswerable question:

"What's tomorrow gonna be like?"

This is all a roundabout way of getting to my own difficulties and anxieties these days, because, I can't know what tomorrow's going to be like. I wish I could, I know it would help me a lot if I could. The days have been long here, and, honestly, I haven't been doing the best I can to keep the boys entertained and busy in an intelligent and engaged way. For this I blame the Internet. Oh no, not that way, not the time wasting games they play or my stupid Facebook groups. No, it's just that... damn, I don't want to admit this, but... everyone else is doing a better job at this than I am. There, I've said it.

Without the Internet, I wouldn't know this. I wouldn't read blog after blog about wonderful crafts and learning games and trips and fun and educational ways to make your own backyard a "learning laboratory." I wouldn't see image after image of happy kids doing amazing things like traveling through Europe, making working trubuchets, taking yoga lessons, learning to program computers or taking extended road-trips, learning and loving along the way, staying in hotels and visiting seven ballparks in one trip. Without the internet I wouldn't have to compare myself to others in a way that actually hurts me deeply.

And then I remember what Nick said one day, as I was explaining to him why I get so very anxious when I have to go somewhere new or meet new people. He said he could really understand the way I feel and he said he gets that same thing, he called it a "dready feeling." Yes, that's it exactly. His vocabulary isn't perfect and the sentiment is a little vague and yet, from a brain merely newer than mine but in most ways the same, the precise description of my anxieties in life. And then he said something that might seem trite and overused today, but, keep in mind his mind just came up with it, to him it is a fresh and powerful point:

"Well, we are who we are, I guess."

Yep.

I know that it is profoundly unfair to compare myself to others. I can't look at a friend's ability to grasp faith so strongly and integrally and see my own floundering, hopeless, amorphous faith for something less than theirs. I can't see a mother of five do so much for her kids at the pool remaining upbeat and happy as her twin toddlers melt down and her older kids won't listen and compare myself to her, wondering why I can't be that positive and kind all the time. I can't listen to the aggressive ramblings of a mother of a boy we know practically bully me into calling the school and insist on a certain teacher or program and feel the fear rise up in my heart, the fear that I am somehow failing them because I don't want to be, well, a prick.

We are who we are. Thanks, Nick, it is easy to forget that.

I haven't been posting much around here. I was a little disheartened by my last post, it, uh, well... wasn't very good. It sort of just fell down around itself. But, here's my secret, the side of me that I think is okay, cool in fact - I don't really mind, so what, it wasn't perfect, but, I tried and, I stand by it.

Truth be told, I sometimes try to be who I am not. Sometimes I fake it pretty well, but, I can only maintain it for a while, and that duration is shorter and shorter as I get older and older. Why do I try? I am still working on that one. Usually to impress someone, and, often these days, to try to be better for my boys.

So back on the horse today, I'll try to remember that I am who I am already and I suspect the boys are as well.

Here are some recent images I found on the floor, and the questions they silently are asking me:

So, some seriousness, some silliness. That's the way life is isn't it. I could fine tune this a little more, I could trash it because I don't know if it's of any worth or, or, I could just leave it as it is.

From Marci's "...things you don't expect to hear from the backseat...""I'm giving you your saliva back."

Such good boys, returning what they borrowed, our work here is done, wait, what... "Horn down and run." Hmmm, I might have a new catchphrase, I was getting tired of my old one. Thanks for stopping by.

2 comments:

That reminds me of how much I echo the sentiments here. I realize from time to time that my posts about my life and my boy probably make my life sound glamourous (did I just spell that the British way? Sheesh, they're infecting me) but I find myself trying to keep up with all the other lives around me. Then I recognize myself for who I am, pull back, cut loose, and let life happen. The boy and I have "yes days" and on those days I learn what it's like to experience pure joy, as a three year old. I stop in my tracks: *that* is the joy I used to feel all the time. What happened? Then I pull back, cut loose, and ---- set myself as free as my little boy. And I horn down and run.

Brian, it's always a great day when you stop in for a sit on the porch here. It is a great gift our children give us, that ability to see joy again and rekindle it in our own hearts."...horn down and run" buddy, always.Thanks for stopping by.