What's this? It's Terry! The gender-neutral doll I had when I was a kid and he/she has his/her baseball glove and baby ... and both sets of genitals!

Criss:

That was hard to track down! Today, almost all of them are in police evidence lockers. So, happy three-month anniversary and happy two-week anniversary of you going to the bathroom when I'm here.

Liz:

You shouldn't be buying me gifts. You should be saving for your business.

Criss:

Oh I think remember our anniversary is going to get me some business.

Liz:

Aw yeah!

Criss:

Haha!

Liz:

There's a whole other hand where that came from, big boy! …. Huh. Not my best.

Criss:

Hey, listen, why don't you go in late today, ok? I'll make pancakes with M&Ms in them.

Liz:

Fine, I'll stay! Gah!

Criss:

You want a smiley face?

Liz:

German flag, please!

Reporter:

Jordan's comments have angered gay rights groups and are likely annoying his coworkers who thought they'd linger over breakfast this morning, perhaps with a new lover.

Liz:

Wow, that is some detailed reporting, Curry.

Over It!

Man:

When I say "NBC", you say

Crowd:

Over it!

Man:

NBC!

Crowd:

Over it!

Man:

NBC!

Crowd:

Over it!

Man:

Word.

Man:

Look at that old bag from TGS!

Liz:

Ok, I am a human being sir! Oh. You mean my tote bag. Yes, I need a new one. Look, I'm sorry about Tracy; he really is a good person. Do you think I'm pulling this hat off?

Crowd:

No!

Man:

From the top!

Crowd:

Over it!

Losing Sponsers

Pete:

Oh my god, there you are! We're losing sponsers, Liz. Did you know that Snuggles, the fabric softner bear is gay?

Liz:

Ugh …

Pete:

He's dating the Charmin cub. I thought they were babies!

Just Being Myself

Liz:

Unbelievable. Tracy, do you know how many of your hard-working and dedicated co-workers are gay? Him. Him. Her when she's drunk. I genuinely don't know.

Tracy:

That one's a puzzler.

Liz:

And *why* did you have to offend the gay community? It is the most organized of all the communities! They make the Japanese look like the Greeks!

Tracy:

How is what I said offensive and that's not?

Liz:

*Because no one heard me say it!* Look, I need to know what we're apologizing for, Tray. What did you say?

Tracy:

Being gay is stupid. If you want to see a penis, take off your pants. If I got turned into a gay, I'd sit around all day and look at my own junk.

Liz:

Oh my god. First of all, "if you got turned into a gay"? Did you think the people of Raleigh, North Carolina turned Clay Aiken gay?

Tracy:

Why not? The Bronx turned me dyslexic.

Liz:

Look, you're a public figure and, believe it or not, the dumb things you say may influence or hurt people. You need to apologize.

Tracy:

I already called GLADD, Liz Lemon.

Woman:

Thank you for calling GLAD, stronger trash bags with less plastic. This is Diane, how may I help you?

Tracy:

Hey Diane, it's Tracy Jordan. Sorry about what I said.

Woman:

Well okey-dokey!

Liz:

It's the wrong GLADD, Tracy.

Tracy:

Whatever. I'm tired of apologizing all the time for just being myself. Remember when I offended stubborn people? That took forever to sort out!

Liz:

Well Tracy I know you don't want me writing an apology for you.

Tracy:

That's terrific, thank you.

Liz:

Agh.

Good God!

Jack:

Lemon.

Liz:

I'm on top of the Tracy thing; I just spoke to him.

Jack:

Actually, I want to talk to you about something else. Because of my unfortunate situation with Avery, I'm alone. And I know of course that you're not seeing anyone. Therefore I've decided that you and I … should become friends with benefits.

Liz:

No thank you please.

Jack:

Ah-ha! The only reason you would reject that offer is if you had a secret boyfriend!

Liz:

Right. That's the *only* reason.

Jack:

I saw you, Lemon, at the movies last night with your mouth on a man!

Liz:

Gaaaaaaaaaaah!

Jack:

Why would you keep this from me, after all of our time together? This is hurtful, Elizabeth. What's his name?

Liz:

I don't want to tell you.

Jack:

Why? Is it a stupid name, like Dakota? Or Barack?

Liz:

His name is Criss, and I'm sorry but for my own rea--

Jack:

And "Criss" is spelled …

Liz:

No "h" and two "s"'s. *That!* Right there! *That's* why I didn't want to tell you, because I know you wouldn't "approve" of him.

Jack:

Why, what does he do for a living?

Liz:

Criss is trying to--

Jack:

You can stop right there.

Liz:

He's an entrepreneur! He's currently meeting with investors in the hopes of starting an organic, gourmet hot dog truck.

Jack:

Lemon, I have said "good god" to you before but I don't think I've ever meant it until now: good god! Where does this person live?

Liz:

… Don't worry about it.

Jack:

How bad can it be? Jersey City? His parents' apartment? It's not a walk up, is it?

Liz:

He's actually been living with me for the past month.

Jack:

Ahhhhhh!

Liz:

No! I am not engaging! I am not inviting input, Jack, because Criss is different.

Jack:

How is he different?

Liz:

Well that's just a stupid question, I mean, I'm more relaxed around him. My jaw stopped popping. Listen! And for once I'm not overthinking everything which is why I don't want you in my head.

Jack:

Ah, but I’m already in your head, Lemon. The fact that you felt you had to keep Criss--and I'm saying his name *with* an "h" and only one "s"--the fact that you kept him from me simply proves that it doesn't matter whether I meet him or not, you already know what I would say, and you know I'm right.

So, I might as well meet him and get it over with. I'll probably love him. After all, we're both Princeton men.

Liz:

Princeton? No, Criss went to--*No*! I am on to you! I am *not* going to talk about him.

Jack:

You can't keep me out.

Bad News

Kenneth:

Oh, Ms. Maroney. I'm afraid I have bad news.

Jenna:

Jenny McCarthy died? But who could have been slowly poisoning her? Was she poisoned? I have no way of knowing since I'm just hearing about it.

Kenneth:

No ma'am. I spoke to Maintenance about replacing the light bulbs in your room but Mr. Subhas is refusing to do any work for TGS until Mr. Jordan issues an apology for his remarks. He also said that he thinks, quote "sexuality is a continuum and he is but a voyager on a vast ocean of pleasure".

Jenna:

This is unacceptable, Kenneth. Do you understand how important proper lighting is to an actress? Especially now that I'm officially a B-list celebrity thanks to 'America's Kidz Got Singing'.

Kenneth:

Aw congratulations Ms. Maroney!

Jenna:

I just found out this morning. Teri Polo and Ving Rhames called me at home. So what if a tour came by and some fanny pack fatty took a picture of me in my poorly lit dressing room? And then they put the picture on the internet? That can't happen. I need my special pink gel fluorescents, and I need them now.

Kenneth:

But only Maintenance is allowed in the supply room.

Jenna:

Kenneth, do this for me, someone I hope you consider a friend, and who, in return, thinks of you as sort of an albino slave monkey.

Kenneth:

Oh… you think of me?

Jenna:

Mm-hmm….

Kenneth:

But I don't have a key…

Jenna:

You think we need a key? I guess someone's never been locked in a dog crate and thrown overboard for displeasing the Sheik.

A Protest?

Reporter:

A statement from TGS head writer Elizabeth Lemon, adding--

Liz:

I've got to get a real headshot.

Reporter:

--"Tracy's co-workers are gratified that he has apologized for his remarks. The man we know is not capable of hate. He's just an idiot who doesn't know what he's saying." In other news, after lots of hype and anticipation ...

Liz:

And now I am heading home for a nooner, which is what I call having pancakes for lunch.

Tracy:

Liz Lemon, did you just call me an idiot on this TV?

Liz:

Yeah, but--

Tracy:

And what exactly is that supposed to mean?

Liz:

It means you're someone who should know better but you constantly do stupid things.

Tracy:

How dare you? I am nonplussed, and that is the correct usage. You have offended and humiliated me.

Liz:

Well, maybe now you know how gay people felt when you suggested that they sit around all day, looking at their junk.

Frank:

Wait, why don't they do that?

Tracy:

Ok, you're right, LL. I do get how they felt: insulted, marginalized, and outraged. Which is why I'm going to do exactly what they did and organize a protest of this network!

Liz:

A protest? By whom?

Tracy:

By idiots!

Liz:

Ugh. What an idiot.

Pete:

All right, I'm out. I've been dealing with Tracy all morning and clearly this is only going to get worse. Time to go into Hornberger Crisis Mode.

Toofer:

Is that when you cry on the floor of your office?

Pete:

No; I do that when I see myself in the mirror on my birthday. Crisis Mode is when I when I down a couple of sleeping pills with Scotch, pass out in my secret napping place, and hope I dream of that Latina security guard.

Frank:

The one you always kiss on the mouth.

Pete:

That's normal in Guatemala.

Like Riding a Bike

Jenna:

Picking a lock is like riding a bike--they're both skills you need to escape the Atlanta Falcons equipment room.

Kenneth:

Hurry Ms. Maroney. If Mr. Subhas finds us in here, I don't even know what he'll say because I can't understand him.

Jenna:

There, my pink fluorescents! They're the same lights poultry farms use to keep the birds from pecking each other to death.

Kenneth:

[takes down box but the blubs fall out of the bottom and crash on the floor] Ah!

I’m well aware of that, Kenneth. I faked mercury poisoning to get out of my contract with Trivial Pursuit: The Musical.

Kenneth:

"If broken, remove all people and pets from the room"? Why? Are there fumes? Are we breathing mercury fumes right now?!

Jenna:

Kenneth, I'm going to tell you what I told Phil Spector: [slaps Kenneth] "It's going to be ok, baby. We just have to get some trash bags and get back here before anyone's the wiser; then we can keep recording my album."

Pete:

Oh come on Subhas! Got to keep daddy's special sleepy place clean!

I'm In Your Head

Criss:

So hey, check this out. I think I saw Billy Dee Williams in Riverside Park this morning when I was meeting dogs.

Jack:

Now that seems like a good use of time for a busy entrepreneur. Hello Lemon. Chew with your mouth closed.

Criss:

So. Question about Lando Calrissian: is that an Armenian name? Is he a space-Armenian? I don't know. The Kardashians are Armenian, they're into Black guys so there's something to it.

Jack:

I like how his voice goes up at the ends of sentences. That's very … masculine. Oh my. Is that a tan line on Criss' thumb? Did Criss use to wear a thumb ring? Oh better hold onto this one; he's getting a free muffin soon. Wow, I've never seen a Sunglass Hut credit card before. Oh, a ukulele with an Obama sticker on it. [plays the ukulele and sings] This guy might suck.

Liz:

That was a gift from Criss' kickball team.

Jack:

Well I think I've seen enough.

Criss:

… which totally supports your theory that the Phillie Phanatic is biologically a female.

Liz:

Oh yeah if you watch those games that thing definitely has a menstrual cycle.

Criss:

Right?

Liz:

Are you going to put on pants today?

Criss:

Eh.

Jack:

I'm in your head.

We Are America

Tracy:

We're here! We're proud! I came up with this rhyme! You brought this one yourself Liz Lemon. The so-called "idiot community" will *not* be silenced.

Liz:

For god's sake Tracy!

Tracy:

We are legion! We are America: frat guys, djs, loudmouth old bitches, investment bankers, the tramp stamp, Parrot Heads, anti-vaccination crusaders, and people who won't shut up about scuba diving!

Man:

It's a whole 'nother world down there.

Tracy:

And our celebrity spokesperson: actress Denise Richards.

Denise Richards:

That's right, I'm an idiot. Surprised? Well I am, for all intensive purposes.

Tracy:

Our community is mobilized now, LL, and we are not leaving until we are heard. You can't ignore us, Liz Lemon. We will be out here everyday, misremembering movie quotes, because as Braveheart said, "You can take our freedom, unless you take our lives!"

Catch-22

Liz:

Say you approve of Criss, Jack.

Jack:

Am I in your head, Lemon?

Liz:

Yes! But don't be so proud, I also have a lot of imaginary arguments with the couples on 'House Hunters'. Why can't people look past paint colour?!

Jack:

Lemon, obviously I can't approve of someone I've never met.

Liz:

Yeah, well I'm not letting you meet Criss because you won't approve of him.

Jack:

Well then I guess this is a catch-22, although I don't know for sure because I refuse to read literature that questions the morality of war.

Liz:

Look, clearly I hurt your feelings; you're upset that I didn't tell you about Criss.

Jack:

No, no, no, I'm quite over your subterfuge, though I do expect a note of apology and don't try to make it funny, just apologize.

Liz:

But I feel like people expect comedy--

Jack:

They don't. … It's exhausting. However, you're right that I'm having an emotional reaction. It's very frustrating watching someone I care about do something she clearly knows is bad for her, like that week you wore those blue contact lenses.

Liz:

I looked like Adriana Lima! And you don't know that Criss is bad for me and you never will, so you better get on board the Criss train: Criss-a, Criss, Criss, Criss-a, Criss-a, Criss-a, Criss-a, Criss-a, Criss-a, Criss-a, Criss-a, Criss-a, Criss train! Do you have any water?

Jack:

You know what Lemon? Fine. You are technically an adult. You can do whatever you want.

Liz:

Really? So, I won? With the train thing?

Jack:

I won't ask any questions about Criss again.

Liz:

You promise?

Jack:

Promis[s]e. With two "s"'s. I would, however, like to ask you why Tracy is outside cursing this network on a megaphone.

Liz:

It's a good one, Jack. Tracy has organized a protest of NBC by his fellow idiots.

Pete! It's Jenna! The woman you're in love with! What's wrong with him? Is this because of the mercury? What does the box say?

Kenneth:

"For a complete catalogue of our lighting products, visit our website." We need a computer! Poor Mr. Hornberger! He came in here to do something for the show, something important, and now look what we've done!

Jenna:

What you've done! *You* broke the lights!

Kenneth:

We have to get help!

Jenna:

Are you out of your mind?

Kenneth:

We need to call Security! And an ambulance!

Jenna:

Think, you fool. Imagine what the internet would do with this: "Maroney found in closet with unconscious married man and inbred virgin"--*again*? No way; I have too much to lose now. I am this close to becoming the spokesperson for the vaginal mesh industry. Vaginal Mesh, Nice Try Prolapse. Now if you want to take the fall for this, be my guest, but I can't be connected to it in any way.

Kenneth:

Take what fall?

Jenna:

Oh please. You said it yourself how many rules we've broken: b&e, theft and destruction of company property, and who knows what we've done to Pete.

Kenneth:

I'd get fired. They'd kick me out of the page program faster than a fella can come up with folksy simlies.

Jenna:

No one can know this was our fault.

Kenneth:

But we have to help Mr. Hornberger. What do we do?

Jenna:

I don't know. But I know someone who does.

Kelsey Grammer:

Talk to me. I'm on my way. Any idea what bus I take to get there? Because I'm in Chinatown baby.

Not cool.

Tracy:

[voicemail message] Hi, this is Tracy's cell phone. Dot Com, hold the steering wheel, I gotta leave my outgoing message. What'd I just hit? Was that a person? Is that paint or blood? Dot Com, this did not happen! We take this to our graves!