I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Friday, 28 May 2010

Secrets can be very powerful things but not all secrets are bad; some secrets can be good ones but the bad ones, well they’ve kept me in prison for many years; in prison to the fear of what reaction will I get should I find the guts to tell? If I tell will I be believed?

Oh the darkness of them; the fear of disclosure; the fear of what might happen should my dark secrets be discovered; the fear of not being believed; the prison of events kept secret by the secrets themselves; the prison of the promises forced from me; the prison of the threats that kept me quiet; the prison of the feelings of dirtiness that keeping those secrets causes and the dirtiness of that acts that led to those secrets

The only way through is to find the guts from somewhere to take the risk of telling and not being believed; to take the risk of being accused of making it up because the secrets cover up horrors that are so bad it’s hard to believe those things could have happened though I know they did; to take the risk and break rules that were bad rules; rules which have kept me scared silent and trapped in the darkness of the secrets

If I tell what will people think? If I tell will the bad things I was told would happen if I ever told, actually happen? If I tell will people take me seriously? Or will they think this is just too far fetched and cannot be true? It’s really scary to tell it as it really was, it’s a horrible vulnerable feeling, somehow it’s easier to carry on keeping quiet, maintaining those secrets than to face the fear and the vulnerability of disclosure

Trouble is keeping those secrets secret perpetuates the darkness inside which eats away and eats away; over the years it’s got impossible to maintain those secrets and they’ve been leaking out, a little bit here and a little bit there; it’s got harder and harder to keep quiet but the fear of telling is what’s kept me quiet all these years, all the threats of what would happen if I ever told

But maintaining those secrets takes up so much energy, energy I don’t have; it’s hard work keeping secrets but it’s so hard and scary to let those secrets out too but I know in the long term I’ll be better for having found the guts to speak the truth and let go those secrets, letting them out takes away their power over me and stops them eating away at my insides

I feel like I’ve been living a double life all these years, I’ve not been lying but I’ve not been telling the whole truth; covering up, protecting those who hurt me out of misplaced loyalty but now those days are over, I can’t do that no more; I reached a point where I had to tell, I could not keep them inside any longer, but it’s been real scary and I’m feeling so wobbly and insecure

I’m afraid of a backlash; there must be some punishment for breaking the rules and letting those secrets out, I was told so many times what terrible things would happen to me if I ever told on them but in amongst the fear there’s also a voice inside saying “Fi, it’s ok, it’s going to be ok, you’re safe now, you can let those secrets out, you are going to get through this”

It’s a relief to tell, it’s so good to know I’m being believed, it’s good to know those secrets no longer hold power over me and it’s good to be rid of that dark cloud and that darkness inside, I hope one day I’ll feel clean of all the dirt and grime that came along with those secrets, I hope one day to get rid of the shame that was attached to those secrets too

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

I woke this morning feeling very fragile and battered by life. I switched on my laptop and discovered the following blessing in my inbox.

It picked me up, wrapped me in a big bear hug, lifted my head off my chest, wiped the tears away, put the sparkle back in my eyes, the spring back in my step, put a smile on my face and reminded me WHO my strength is and WHY it is that I keep going.

I just had to share it with you and I hope it blesses and encourages you like it did me.

You may have gone to bed last night weary and wondering how, when and why?

But thank God you woke up this morning and placed your feet on the floorAnd when you did, I'm sure the enemy said... "DARN, she is up again!"

That's right. You are up again, you may still be discouraged, but you are not defeated!

You are up again! Your head is up! Your gratitude is up! Your faith is up! You are standing up on your faith.

You live by faith and not by sight.

You are growing in HIS love and knowledge

Woman of Worth! Beloved! Highly favoured one! You are royalty!!

Because you belong to HIM, you are HIS child, you are up and ready to make it through and up out of your temporary circumstances

Make sure you pray, and pray believing God will answer

May today be all you need it to be

May the Peace of God, the LOVE of your Heavenly Daddy and the freshness of the Holy Spirit rest and abide in your thoughts, rule in your life, and conquer all your fears

May the true shepherd, Jesus, lead you beside still waters, restoring your soul

May goodness and mercy follow you today & always, and may you dwell in HIS presence forever!

May God manifest HIMSELF today in ways you have never experienced

May you find joy alone in HIM, and your prayers be answered. I pray that your faith increases

May HIS amazing grace be multiplied to you!

Someone once said, "Aging puts wrinkles on the body, quitting puts wrinkles on the soul."

Keep running your race, keep your eyes UP and looking ahead to JESUS, the Author and Finisher of your faith!

"I pray that God's great power will make you strong, and that you will have JOY as you wait and do not give up." Colossians 1:11

Sunday, 23 May 2010

I came across these two quotes earlier today and thought, yep they need to go on my blog.

“

Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore

” Andre Gide

“

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen

” Winston Churchill

I would add too that it takes courage to stay alive; it takes courage to live with all this stuff; it takes courage to tell the truth as it was and it takes courage to find a way through it. Sometimes I feel the fear and just have to feel the fear and do it afraid!!!

and here's another quote that caught my eye -

“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.”

Saturday, 22 May 2010

As I was reading that scripture today I had a picture which brought the verse to life for me.

In the picture I saw myself walking behind Jesus. We were climbing up a steep and rocky mountain path, the kind of path that it’s so easy to slip and turn an ankle on. I watched as I followed HIM up along the pathway.

I noticed that each step I took as I climbed I was stepping into the impressions that HIS footsteps left. HIS footsteps were much bigger than mine. As my feet were so much smaller than HIS they fitted into HIS bigger footsteps and were protected from slipping and turning on the steep ground by the greater depth as well as length and breadth of HIS footsteps.

Wow, what a revelation and what reassurance that brought to my heart!!!

Friday, 7 May 2010

It was around the 20th of April that I was talking to Jesus one evening and ruminating with HIM about the many ways that HE reveals HIMSELF to me. At times it is mind boggling how multi faceted God is in HIS relationship with me.

During this conversation with Jesus I mentioned the word 'brother'. As I did so I had such a strong reaction inside me that it stopped me in my tracks and I said to HIM "oh no I did not realise that I have such an issue with you as my elder brother, I am so sorry that I do and I wish I didn't". And HE gently reassured me that HE knows all about it and why I feel like that and that HE is going to bring healing so that I can relate to HIM in that way without any feelings of shame or fear.

My biological brother was massively abusive towards me. He was a bully and manipulator. In some ways he was as much a victim as I was. But in other ways he was an abuser and bully who showed me no mercy and did not protect me as a big brother should have. I recognise part of it was protecting his position. However, it does NOT excuse what he did.

So over the last couple of weeks or so Jesus has been helping me get to know HIM as my big brother. Massive healing has happened in a very short space of time as I've made huge steps in that.

I realised only a couple of days ago that I'm comfortable with HIM as my big bro and I’ve come a long way in no time at all.

I now have a big ‘bruvver’ who really cares for HIS little sister and will protect and look out for me. HE will not take advantage of me or use me for HIS own ends or manipulate me in any way. HE will not belittle me but will help me because HE wants only the best for HIS little sister. HE is kind, loving and supportive and will never raise HIS hand or voice to me. I can be safe with HIM, HE wants me to be, and do you know what, I am safe with my big bro now!!

Around the same time as HE began to help me with this Jesus also gave me a vision of me and HIM walking together beside a peaceful stream. I was dressed in flowing white robes. And I reacted from deep inside and said I cannot wear those robes, I shouldn't be wearing them. And HE said, "oh my dear beloved, I see you pure, I see you so so pure and I love your purity, your purity is so very precious to me, you remember terrible violation and feel so violated by all that happened but I see you pure, you are totally pure to me". HE spoke with such compassion and deep love it was breathtaking. I can still see myself with HIM in those white robes and I believe HE is deliberately making sure that picture remains lodged in my mind's eye.

At the time I did not recognise how the two linked together. But deep inside I'd carried a very deep sense of shame about some of the things my brother forced me to do and the violation that was of me at every level. Part of HIS healing has been to enable me to relax with Jesus as my big brother by removing that shame off of me and that HE has done.

I am amazed and astounded at the healing that has happened in such a very short space of time.

Monday, 3 May 2010

I came across the following quote by “International Domestic Violence Memorial” on Facebook today. I found it so helpful that I decided to reproduce it on my blog here because it states exactly why it is so very hard for me to break my silence and believe that I will be believed.

“Abusers are not easy to spot. There is no 'typical' abuser. In public, they may appear friendly and loving to their partner and family. They often only abuse behind closed doors. They also try to hide the abuse by causing injuries that can be hidden and do not need a doctor. Abuse is never a one time event.”

I lived with the reality of that quote.

My abusers were very good at hitting me in places that could not be seen by other people, causing injuries that could be easily hidden. They abused mainly behind closed doors and were frighteningly very clever, calculating and deliberate in what they did and how they did it. It was such a horrendous atmosphere of constant terror that I lived with. In public my abusers could be very charming and plausible but I knew how cruel they were behind closed doors. They had a veneer of respectability being church goers and doing loads of charity work in the community. To the outside world it was an act of being a happy, smiley family. But behind closed doors the real truth was very different.

I hated that and so wanted people to see past all that superficiality and recognise something was wrong, but no one did. I did try to tell folks at church that I wasn’t happy at home, but was told to stop speaking badly about my parents and to respect them as they were upstanding members of the church.

I felt trapped and alone and hated living the lie of pretending everything was ok when everything was just horrific.

Sunday, 2 May 2010

I read this on someone's blog today and it so described what I have found incredibly hard to put into words really well that I decided to reproduce it here. I really could not have put it better myself.

I never thought I would blog. Yet I have things to say, things to scream . . . I saw a bit of the film Mystic River this afternoon. I saw it back when it came out but had largely forgotten the plot. The small bit I stumbled on today was a man who had been raped as a child describing his perpetrators as vampires. He said he felt that after they were done with him, he had forever remained "undead" - caught in an existence that was not death but would never really be life. The vampire metaphor could be explored pretty deeply but at this moment I am struck by how deeply I feel that I have been forever changed by what happened to me. The damage is both something inserted that can not be removed, and something taken from me that I can not get back. And I am furious and I am deeply sad. I am haunted and I walk through the world feeling different from others. I am not dead and yet I am not fully alive. I am estranged from the daily flow of humanity. Can anyone describe a feeling like this as well?

For me it feels like I am forever marked as 'different' because of the abuse. I too feel haunted by it and deeply sad. Sad; not only that it happened, but sad too that it leaves me unable to live but merely exist. BUT I am so glad that Jesus is able to come into those 'undead' parts of my life and breathe new life into them through HIS resurrection power. For me it is the what was taken that I cannot ever get back that hurts the most. One day I hope to do more than just exist, to feel fully alive and less estranged from everyday life.

Saturday, 1 May 2010

These are just some bits and pieces I’ve read over the last few days that have helped me lately.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5

Did you know that God has purpose for you living and being present on the Earth? This is why the enemy tried to so hard to destroy and mess up many of us even before we were born. If the enemy could not destroy us in the womb, he tried to mess us up in our childhood youth, and young adulthood. But, thanks be to God who has brought through many storms and situations that were mean to take us out. We are here today because God kept us. There is purpose for living. All of us our not called to be prophets, but we are called to be the Lord’s Ambassadors in one way or another in life. We are HIS chosen vessels and appointed to make a difference within and outside of the 4 walls of the church building. The Lord did not put us on this Earth just to exist. We have purpose for living. We are forces to be reckoned with. If this were not so, the enemy of souls would not give us such resistance at times. But, the resistance we get from enemy builds up the resistance in us to fight back and be even stronger in the Lord and in the power of HIS might! May you be blessed today, and may the Holy Spirit reveal and guide your footsteps in your divine purpose for living in Jesus name!

Jeremiah 10:23 “O Lord, I know that a man’s life is not his own; the determination of the way of a man is not in himself; it is not in man, even in a strong man or in a man at his best, to direct his own steps”

Jeremiah 9: 23-24“let not the wise and skilful person boast in his wisdom and skill and boast in his strength and power but let him understand and know ME, personally, practically, directly discerning and recognising MY character, that I am the Lord who practices loving kindness, judgement and righteousness in the earth.”

“If God has you in a place where you cannot take one step without HIM, be grateful!”

Stormie Omartian

Psalm 32:8“I (the Lord) will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with MY eye watching over you”

In HIS Image we are all stars in HIS eye, infinite and gleaming, shining in the light of the New Covenant, limitless expressions of HIM

MY FAVOURITE BIBLE VERSES

IN YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM, AND HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATHS Prov 3:6THE LORD IS A SHIELD TO THOSE WHO WALK WITH INTEGRITY Prov 2: 7WHEN MY FATHER AND MY MOTHER FORSAKE ME, THEN THE LORD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME AND ADOPT ME AS HIS OWN CHILD Psalm 27: 10 (Amp)CAN A MOTHER FORGET HER NURSING CHILD? CAN SHE FEEL NO LOVE FOR THE CHILD SHE HAS BORNE? . . . I WILL NOT FORGET YOU Isaiah 49: 15I WILL COMFORT YOU . . . AS A MOTHER COMFORTS HER CHILD Isaiah 66: 13THE KING IS ENTHRALLED BY YOUR BEAUTY Psalm 45:11