Storyteller and Artist in Life

Monthly Archives: December 2014

With built up excitement and anticipation, I took my two sons to see the movie, Pacific Rim on July 15, 2013. It was one day before my second hospitalization for mania and a few days after the movie’s release. Kind of weird how it worked out. I looked up the time and prepaid the tickets online. Showtime 6:05PM. Picked up the tickets, business as usual. Got our snacks. Entered the theatre. I was a wee puzzled as the show was playing. Hmmmm, they started early? We arrived just on time, we thought, expecting to walk in on the previews. All three of us watch on. The confusion does not lift. Shortly thereafter, movie was over. We had watched the finale, the final scene. What? We looked at each other. Something was not fitting. I looked at the ticket in my pocket. It read the start time as 7:10PM. So we watched the ending….and got very little out of it. I was relieved to see that, in fact, our movie was yet to start. We were baffled. Did not feel that seeing the ending was going to affect our enjoyment of the show. Strange how confounding it was when we had no idea what was going on. Yes, I know, I was 1 day away from the Loony Bin but the boys seemed equally dazed. True to life isn’t it? Sometimes we just do not know what is going on. Worth noting that I was 13 days without Lithium at this stage. My trial to make sure I truly needed it. Always the scientist. Gipsy Danger from the Soundtrack of Pacific Rim.

Well, watching the complete movie was Way. More. Satisfying.

I remember the deep Gratitude I felt to all movie makers following the enjoyment of the film. The concept of the neural bridge was too cool: the drift. The big fighting machines were controlled by two pilots who had to join brains in a way, energetically. They were capable of seeing intimate things in their co-pilot but it was required for the complex maneuvering of the fighting machine. Not for the fainthearted. Some jobs are too complex for just one brain I guess. Cannot imagine a human alive where seeing the intimate intricacies of another’s thoughts would not be a scary place. I grew up thinking my thoughts were private. Today, my understanding is that they may not be as private as I was led to believe. This is another put that in your pipe and smoke it concept. Maybe it is just me. Call me crazy. I have benefited so much from many musicians, authors, filmmakers, artists etc. When movies are written, they come from somebody’s inspiration. Truth is stranger than fiction. Good movie material. Possibly the imagination has creative power. Another hypothesis, the truth was there to be perceived when one was capable of seeing a higher dimensional view. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Does it matter? Either way, truth. I was very moved to keep the ticket stub – to remind me to write about seeing just the ending: metaphor for life. Eyed it in early September 2013. Many numbers called out to me. See picture.

With my Angel Numbers book by Doreen Virtue, I looked up all the numbers that popped out at me. I marvel at how natural this now seemed to me. You may have heard about people who see 11:11 everywhere. Likely there are many meanings but one of them is that you should be conscious of what you think as the Universe is taking a snapshot of your thoughts now…and they are creating your reality so choose wisely. I have occasionally found myself to be one to see 11:11 but mostly see a vast array. My theory is that if you keep seeing 11:11, you are stuck. With forward movement, you would expect to see numbers changing with your own evolution. The more you keep seeing that starter number 11:11, the more you should look for a way to unstick yourself and progress. That is just my little hypothesis…

Kinda sounds like a judgment…I am human. I do see 1:11 occasionally – I interpret the same. I see 1:33 quite regularly for over a year now. Doreen Virtue’s book, Angel Numbers, I was guided to obtain. Borrowed it from a friend. 133 means “The ascended masters are supporting your healing work by helping you have positive thoughts, intentions, and affirmations. They’re whispering Divinely guided ideas of love to you, so be sure to notice your musings and insights.” Gotta love that message! For the doubters in the crowd, just try it for a week, believing the angels are giving you these beautiful messages through numbers. Or maybe your intuition – another common way for Angels to communicate with us. Maybe it is our Soul. The Angel Numbers book goes from 00 – 999. For me, I will see a 6 digit number but two or three digits within the number will pop out. If it happens to you, you will know what I mean. Another one I see regularly is “1234”. That one is not included in the book but I do not worry. Recently heard it may speak to taking one step at a time. Advice of the millennium.

Addition December 2014: all of the Angel Numbers are positive. You can be sure it is a good sign when numbers pop out. That may be all you need to know. Or not. Follow your inspiration. We are like snowflakes, no two are alike.

Which gets me back to the Pacific Rim. Knowing the ending without experiencing each step along the way is very confusing. When I think about my own experiences, sometimes I get big visions but what can one do about them? Really all we have is now and the Next. Best. Step. More and more, I just try not to think too much about some of the endingsthat come into my awareness. There seems no way I can know. Only time can really tell. Who cares anyway. It is the journey over the outcome. I say this for the psychically gifted in the crowd. My sense is we all have psychic gifts. For many, they have been cast aside and are not developed. I presume that mine have been there all along. I often did not value or trust in my own perceptions as they did not seem logical. Time and experience have shown how right I usually was (I just did not trust it). For me, that has been part of the journey: recognizing my own intuition is bang on. The more I think about my intuitive nudges, the more I used to just cast them aside. Now, I am open to them being right.

I don’t mind being Right. I don’t mind being Wrong. I don’t mind being Real. Big Freedom there.

I use them to guide me but in each moment I am making my choices, following my highest excitement. The moment is King. I do not let my intuition overstep the moment. But the intuitive thoughts can be helpful in the back of my mind. The biggest change for me has been just simply accepting that I do not know…nor do I need to. Iembrace uncertainty. That step is a humongous one in my experience. Certain that each moment will be as it is.

Understanding is optional.

This also leads into destiny versus free will. I do not choose a side here. I see room for both. I do believe in free will. And everyone has their own free will. So as I can read a situation now to have a certain energy or vibration. If several people are involved, they will each have their free will decisions to make in each moment. That is why a psychic can never truly be 100% right. There are odds that can be played based on the type of thoughts (energy) each person is holding. But in each moment, we are all connected and we are all free to choose a different thought. That is the Simple. Beautiful. Truth…

I am nothing if not enthusiastic…

We all know: people change their minds. It is not a crime. Or is it? Especially in the relationship backdrop, I have seen great suffering when one person does not accept that another person changed their mind. It is the ultimate freedom. Love freedom!!

Just because you know how the movie ends, you still have to play it out. Matt Kahn

I added this February 18, 2014 after attending a Retreat with Matt Kahn.

Doreen Virtue

December 2014 Addendum: I have met Doreen Virtue, previously mentioned as the author of the Angel Numbers book, on two different occasions: first in October 2013 in Sedona, Arizona and most recently in April 2014, San Francisco, California. Her energy made a big impression on me. Words cannot describe.

Of course, a wee story to include here:

Arrived early to the Hilton Hotel, site for the Hay House Writer’s Workshop in San Francisco, April 2014. I chose to stay off-site, a stroll away. Checked into the workshop. Directly to breakfast next. Not one minute passed and I had a new friend. One of those we were definitely meant to meet kind of Soul Friends. You know those? She was ahead of me in the line for breakfast. It was not my habit to invite a stranger to join me for breakfast but that is what I did. Quickly determined that she worked in Health Care and was married to a Chinese American. Interesting coincidence, even if I was formerly married to a Chinese man and formerly worked in Health Care, we had a couple of things in common. Near the end of our meal it came out that she was a pioneer setting up programs for patients (for lack of a better word) with Bipolar Disorder. Really?? Before starting the workshop, we made a dinner date to discuss more. Fantabulous connection. Trying to keep my story short. Want to mention that after sharing two meals together she informed me that I am not the typical Bipolar Disorder patient. She re-iterated my own opinion. Not needed but it is always nice. From a Professional no less. Mmmmm…

Day 2 of the workshop was where Doreen presented. She was and remains the rockstar of Hay House Publishing. Her materials sell better than any other author with the company. Having already met her I expected a good vibe but somehow this day was far more memorable. The energy in the room just lifted higher and ever higher. I was feeling unwell. Reminded me of my manic episodes. I travel often enough. An oft repeated quote, I usually forget one thing, it is just a matter of which one. Well this time, it was Lithium, my Bipolar disorder medication. I had already reviewed my options to myself earlier. I landed on: it was only 5 days. How bad could that be? So sitting in the auditorium with more angels than I was accustomed to (listen to me now, believe me later) I could hear my thoughts turning against me. Oh oh. Panic was setting in. My friend! I found her following the talk. She saw my physical distress – shaking, anxious, flying high. Felt so thankful in that moment that I could obtain specialist consultation when I needed it. Consultation that I trusted. Abundance: having what you need to have when you need to have it. She put a hand on me. She reassured me that it will settle but gently advised, “why don’t you just go see a Doctor and get a prescription”. That would be the safest thing. OK dear. I will comply. I reviewed all of my self-help strategies and they worked to settle me. The next part of the program did not interest me so taking a stroll along the San Francisco streets was the more appealing option in that moment. I was curious to know if I could manage without the Lithium but could see no harm meeting another Doc that day. Decision not made yet. Hotel concierge directed me to the nearby walk-in clinic. I was in the Financial District which I think helped me to find the entire clinic staff standing at the desk waiting for the VIP patient. That would be me. Everybody else in the vicinity was working hard. One of many thoughts that were entertaining me through my experiences that day. Across the street from the clinic, before entering, I was extremely distracted by a deck of cards strewn about on the street. It looked like nearly the whole deck. I felt they had a message for me. I kept picking them up until I finally pulled myself away. No message really came. Aside from the idea that getting back on the Lithium was definitely the best option. I recognized that my fascination with the cards was a signal not to be ignored. What do you know? Clinic was across the street. Being a Physician myself, I was thoroughly entertained by my 7 minutes in the clinic. Most of the time was talking about how much the visit would cost, $170 USD, and processing the payment. Few questions were asked by the Assistant. I was led to an exam room. No word of a lie, the doctor opened the door, slowly walked towards me as he spoke a few sentences. He finished writing the prescription that presumable he had started outside the exam room. Handed me the script he just ripped from his pad, turned around and left the room. He was talking all the while. In slow, steady progress, he did not pause. Constant motion. It was almost as if he was on an automatic track, like when you order sushi in Vancouver and it comes around on a belt, cutely seated on a tiny boat. My best attempt to describe the scene I witnessed. The absolute most efficient Doctor patient meeting I had ever witnessed. Un-fucking-believable. I have heard myself say many times that some Medical Offices are in the business of printing money.

I failed to mention that on my way to the clinic, I came upon the Pharmacy recommended by the Hilton Hotel Concierge. I stepped in there first. I have my collection of pet ideas. Expansion of paramedical professionals’ duties is one of them. I was curious. If all I needed was to refill a script that I was taking back home, it would be expedient for the pharmacist to just fill it for a week or two’s worth of pills. Save the system both time and money. Hard to imagine a patient obtaining Lithium for illicit purposes but Truth is Stranger than Fiction. The pharmacist and I had a lovely conversation and rapport. She agreed with me but felt her Professional Standards would be breached if she complied with my request. She put a positive word in for the clinic down the road. Should not take me too long. She was right on that note. The only problem is if one is attached to their money. Luckily in this instance, that was not the case. Why spend less, when you can spend more? That is what I always say. I love collecting experiences and then telling about them.

Returning to the Pharmacist, she processed me immediately and charged me about $5 for my script. That was Easy. If I had my red Easy button, I would have pushed it both at the Doctor’s office and the Pharmacy. I took my missed dose with the bottle of water provided at no charge from my Friendly Neighborhood Pharmacist. As soon as I left the store, I felt 100% back to normal. Laughed out loud. It was my sense that I was supposed to have that quirky little experience … just so that I could live to tell the tale. I feel that happens a lot to me. It is fun … except when it is not. The high energy of Doreen Virtue was more the factor than the lack of Lithium. I felt fine for the remainder of the afternoon. The Lithium would barely have entered my system in those first hours.

Do not want to waste a good problem! I try my best not to.

P.S. – 605 in Angel Numbers means God is helping you change your work life so that your spiritual and physical needs are always met. 710 means your positive thoughts and prayers have brought much joy and manifestation into your life. Stay positive and connected to God through prayer and meditation.

P.S.S. – I have come to understand how my playing with the boys follows this same reasoning. There is a method to my madness. Trust me. I call it field work. Some jobs are more unusual than others. Working on a story that has even surprised me called, You Are The Lover and The Loved. Not sure it will make it before Christmas. I follow my inspiration. I do not know about you but in my hands experience is the best teacher.

P.S.S. – I am following my own Christmas Wish. Disclosure. December 12, 2014 I received a huge intuitive nudge to look at this story. Next nudge: publish same day. Not sure why. Seems I am on a need to know basis. I have come to trust that. Sharing my perspective as always. Wrong? Right? Let me be Real at least. Somehow was not able to meet deadline. One day late. Such is life.

My childhood was absent of significantly traumatizing incidents. Not that I still can’t tell a few stories… Deep sorrow when I found out there was no Santa Claus. It was not so much the loss of the man in the red suit but the lies I received from my parents whenever I asked about Santa.

Liar, Liar performed by Major Bedhead from The Big Comfy Couch. Was I the only one who watched all those amazing character-developing Children’s shows? So often there was entertainment with more appealing messages to our deep primal desires. If the first video went too quickly, let me slow it down for you. Major Bedhead in slow motion. Since we were on the topic of childhood traumas … Ha ha. Roared when I showed my 14 year old son the Liar, Liar clip. His face became distorted and he declared, “How come I was not traumatized by this?” Great minds think alike. My 10 year old son was quick to state, “That’s messed up. That is the dumbest thing I have ever seen.” One person’s messed up is another’s genius. To each his own, I say.

Even way back when I was 6 or 7 years old, I was interested in truth. My belief: you are never too young for truth. I was one of the very last believers. Yes, one of those. I trusted my parents so fully that I had a hard time believing they would lie to me. I peppered them with questions about the mysterious Santa as I aged. Especially concerning was the fact that we did not have a fireplace at that time. They had an answer for that. It was seriously embarrassing for me once I realized I was the last one in my peer group not in on the ruse. Grief reaction knowing my parents lied/fibbed … and I believed them. Vivid memory from childhood.

So when my firstborn started asking questions at age 5, logical questions, I did not hesitate to answer truthfully. Much to the horror of other parents in our lives. I recognized that I may be a lone wolf in this viewpoint and reminded Elise that many parents will continue the charade as it is fun for everyone. My sense was that she was satisfied knowing the truth and had no desire to share it with her friends. To my awareness, she never did. She had a deep understanding at that young age – of life in general. I have always called her an old soul. I did what I thought was best for her and I. Our family continued to play the Santa game. It was based in integrity. I told Elise that the spirit of Santa is a darling one and that mama and daddy purchase the gifts for fun and to connect to the idea of giving. I did not fib or lie to any of my kids. The two boys that followed just declared, “Mama, you are Santa”. I pleaded guilty right away. Still fun. All truth.

Christmas traditions. I enjoyed them through my life. Decorating a tree. Putting up Christmas lights outside. Buying gifts. Baking. Gathering family. Christmas music. Still love gathering family, sharing food. Music I love generally. Somewhere along the way, I started seeing aspects to Christmas that no longer resonated. So much stuff. Where was it all going to end up? Commercialization. So many gifts. Some Christmases, I would just send the load of gifts to Goodwill, unopened. I felt uncomfortable doing that. I felt bad knowing my family and friends had taken the time and money to buy a gift. But I knew when something would never be touched. I started asking everyone not to buy me anything. I did not want anything. The tradition was engrained. My family would not comply with my wishes. So I started to be more open about where the gifts ended up (the ones to my kids also). So much stuff. Sometimes life felt like stuff management. Not by my choice. I guess the urge to simplify was not to be ignored. Very slowly, I have done this in my life. I do have a large house with all the fixin’s to go with it. I am no Saint. I live with the evidence of my history as a very effective consumer. I am a wee lazy. Staying in this big house with all this furniture feels easier than trying to downsize. I love my home’s location close to the river and a large park. Until I find inspiration in another location where smaller homes are found, I remain. Children’s schooling and the two-household reality are elements that factor into this apathetic tone. I would rather do nothing than something lacking in enthusiasm.

So 2013, I finally declared that I was not connected to so many of the Christmas traditions. I would not participate in the traditional way. No Christmas tree. No outdoor lights. I would like to avoid all gifts. My kids were in agreement too. Their dad was still connected to gifts and chose to purchase for them. I decided to include my two nieces as my brother’s family wanted to continue just with the kids. So I compromised. No big deal.

What amazed me was that I felt so good about my personal decision with the house. I was comfortable being different from those around me. This comfort was new. I had experienced clear reactions that my individuality was not embraced by family. It reminded me that one of the biggest transformations for me was to let go of fitting in or being like everyone else. I am not like everyone else – around these parts anyway. I realized that for most of my life I felt uncomfortable when I wanted to make a choice outside of the norm. Completely self-evident but thinking about my Christmas choices helped me to integrate it. I accept that what I choose will not be the same for others.

It reminds me of my days of activism. There was a time that I dealt with my discomfort of feeling differently by trying to convince others to feel as I do. That way, I would feel more comfortable with my own choice. Whether it was about the Education System, the Medical System, Politics or Electoral Reform (a few causes I have taken on). How much more peaceful to just worry about me. Let everyone else come to their own decisions. I have no need to push my opinion on others as I did when I was an activist. Live and let live… My mantra these days. But I also expect others to let me live as I let them. I guess I am a little late in this stage of maturation. Better late than never…

Christmas Wish by Tuck & Patty. The version I have listened to for nearly 20 years comes from an album titled Winter, Fire & Snow. Such a Beautiful collection of music inspired by the Christmas Season but not traditional. I purchased 20 of those CD’s the year I discovered it in the 1990’s somewhere. It took me two years to give them all away. It felt so good to do so. I have my enthusiastic moments. So when I went to You Tube and found a slow, faltering version of this song, I had to make it right. And it felt so good. I had been meaning to start putting my own

versions of songs into the Worldwide Web but it took this one to start that ball rolling. Sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands. Followed my own inspiration. See where it will take me.

2014 Inspiration: Mugs of Joy

Give Presence is a Beautiful message from Lululemon, the maker of amazing activewear/yoga attire. I am a fan of Gabrielle Bernstein, the Spirit Junkie- one of the many voices in the video.

Reflected on this writing. It seemed a very silly thing to write about on one hand. Another way of wording it is that I have experienced a shift in my energetic vibration. What used to make me uncomfortable, no longer does. Feels good. I know my choice to not live out some of the Christmas Traditions is not shared by those around me. I now trust the Universe more. I know I can be accepted despite my difference in this choice. If not, so be it. So mundane, I know. I used to vibrate at an energy level of activism. I would feel a need to convince those around me to feel as I do. Was not completely comfortable in my own skin presumably due to being different. At the same time I was reluctant to live the change that I wanted. I took it personally, deep down, when others did not share my views. I doubted myself when others did not agree. I have shifted away from that. I am OK in being different. And I am OK with others not following my lead. It is so peaceful here on the other side of activism. Alleluia!!!

I have slowly come to this conclusion about activism in general. There is an uncomfortable energy coming from some (all?) Activists, people with a cause. It does very little to convince those not ready to change their thinking or behavior … in my experience. Promoting what you would like to see in a peaceful way has the potential to influence change. My favorite technique would be by modelling it. Different from actively seeking to change the minds and behavior of others.

Same could be said about my choice to separate from my husband. Not a lot of support in my world. And I am OK with that … finally.

When one individual (or group) wants to change the behavior of another individual (or group), the energy is quite repelling. It simply does not feel good … for either party. Religious wars have plagued us from the beginning of time.

Unarmed Canadian Cirillo was shot and killed by what was believed to be Islamic Militants. Within days, a mosque in Coldlake Alberta was covered in hateful grafitti presumably linked to the recent death of the soldier. The town quickly gathered around the Muslim community the very next day: helping to repair windows and clean up the mess. A friend commented that it reminded her of the final scene from When The Grinch Stole Christmas. Yes! It has begun …

The spirit of Christmas is a Beautiful Thing. Love. Connection. Peace.

I spent just over $400 on these 4 gifts when I was inspired by the suggestion of the Mustard Seed Church. Each Mug consists of a pair of gloves or mitts, a travel coffee mug, $20 coffee gift card, 5 bus tickets, 2 sets of handwarmers/2 sets of toe warmers. Recipients will be four homeless Edmontonians.

I had a conversation with myself regarding the gesture. On one level, $400 could have easily been spread among more people. Longstanding fascination with homelessness. Learned many things. So surprised when I heard that laundry was not part of the homeless lifestyle. People wear clothes until they are extremely dirty, then throw them away and obtain fresh clothes, usually from one of the charities downtown. The idea of ownership may be different. As much as I questioned the purchase of $40-80 hand warming devices, wondering how long they could be of service (dirty, lost, stolen), I chose to buy quality. It was my intention to lift the spirit of another human being. We are all so worthy. My daughter was thrilled to hear my Christmas Wish that the high quality items might inspire their recipient to reach for the highest version of themselves in each moment. Just over $100 was the average cost for my Mugs of Joy. I happened to need new mittens myself so found myself at a store I adore, Camper’s Village. I could not feel good buying a gift for another that I would not buy for myself. Hence: the splurge.

One stop shop. That is how I roll. In case any of you were wondering …

Addendum #2:

An article published by Sandra Walter discussing the importance of disclosure.

Disclosure: the word of the day … and the bridge to Peace.

Disclosing defined from dictionary.com app:1. to make known; reveal or uncover2. to cause to appear; allow to be seen; lay open to view

The concept of the building block to world Peace is the small, personal actions we take in our lives is the Beautiful Truth. That was what prompted me to write a book … that will never be written now. I love my website: The Disabled Angel. I disclose a lot. It has been a Beautiful therapy for me. I have come to believe that just by my writing and making it available publicly is all that is required to ground this energy. Whether someone reads it or not is irrelevant, I believe its power is just by its existence. My Beautiful Truth.

Remember this isn’t confession energy: not good or bad. It is simply speaking your truth with transparency.

Some prompts for personal disclosure:What have you not disclosed in your own lifestream?What secrets do you still keep hidden from others?Is there a last hand waiting to be revealed from you?Can you express your fears?What can you share openly to reveal your true self to those around you?Can you reveal your personal ideas about money, government, ET’s or personal issues without causing injuries or embarrassment? Or do certain areas of your life stay hidden?Why would you expect others to do that if you cannot?How forgiving are you of others or yourself?Have you attained Divine neutrality?

The energy of personal revelation when shared openly, honestly, with integrity, love and in service to all energetically support those in roles of leadership, government, finance, corporations who have the challenging task of disclosure at hand.

Even one small revelation of truth to a friend can support this energy. That is you revealing you to another person. The microcosm of large organizations coming forward and revealing the truth.

Re-evaluate your own interests. Are they in alignment with the highest interest of the planet, humanity … ?Face the fear of disclosure in your own lifestream in order to support a quickening of those dynamics on a planetary level.

Everyone is involved in disclosure. It is not us versus them.Disclosure and re-evaluation have been delayed by the collective decision to hide secrets or tell half-truths.

… coming out speeches for your representatives or key players. How would you present what needs to be said? How would you infuse those words with compassion in the highest interests of all concerned?What revelations could come to light without creating chaos?Try this. It is a great exercise in Divine neutrality. Write it down. Share it. It creates the energy towards the energy of disclosure and ideas in how to handle the fallout.

… we are creating the most complementary shift for everyone.We understand that the idea of change is very scary to most of the population. Change this energy. Shift the collective consciousness to revelation, disclosure and re-evaluation of systems by actively choosing to reveal your own truth: personal truths. Engaging in acts of forgiveness and personal clemency (meaning of clemency: compassion or forgiveness in judging or punishing, leniency, mercy).

New paradigm alignment. As we enter the holiday season make sure to align your purchases, activities and personal interactions with the new acceleration.

Money is energy and maintains a powerful vibration for many upon this planet. When this energy is applied with positive intention, it shifts the flow to a higher vibration. Send this positive vibration your vote, your agreement to services and products with the new paradigm.

It not only aligns you … , it assists the collective … and raises the vibration of our planetary consciousness. It is very important to demonstrate your agreements in a physical … way as this timeline acceleration anchors into our collective consciousness.

All of those in service to the new light can understand the responsibility we have taken on. That choice is our strength. Let us demonstrate all we have learned and earned through the shift.

END Transcription

My Christmas Wish for you: Disclose what needs to be disclosed. Be brave. It is Beautiful on the other side …

I live for Beautiful Truth.

P.S. – Had another genius conversation with my 14 year old son. Inspired me to say: “Massacre lies to uncover the Beautiful Truth”.

He responded: To kill something, it has to be alive. A massacre implies killing a lot of things. (My initial quote was massacre of a single lie.)

I: My sense is that lies are alive and well in this world.

He: To be alive something must exhibit gas exchange, require water and need an energy source.

Out of the mouth of Babes …

Massacre sounds violent but has several definitions. The one I favor is: to defeat decisively, especially in sports. Game on!