Yet, as that great political commentator Nelly Furtado once observed, all good things must come to an end and it does look like the end is in sight – the end of the media having to pretend that someone other than Mitt Romney might be the Republican presidential nominee. Of course, one must not underestimate the impulse of Romney's own party towards the ABR tactic – Anyone But Romney – one that has led to a sex-obsessed homophobe in a sweater vest and the Pillsbury Doughboy, AKA Newt Gingrich, being touted as sorta serious contenders for a presidential election. But even the party is beginning to concede that their time would be better spent fighting against Obama than among themselves. Rick Santorum, owner of the aforementioned sweater vests, is predictably digging his heels in, like a toddler refusing to go to bed even though it's at least two hours after his bed time, showing the deluded tenacity one would expect of a grown man who believes that restricting access to contraception reduces unwanted pregnancies. Last weekend he insisted that he would not go, even if the GOP establishment believes voters "need to have Romney shoved down their throats". Oh Santorum, how we'll miss your weirdly double entendre ways.

Nevertheless, it does increasingly look as if, after all the bloodletting and financial expenditure of the past months, the Republicans will end up with the nominee who was always going to be the nominee. Hasn't this been an excellent use of everyone's time and energy?

But if you think this signifies the end of the bursts of crazy fun Santorum and Gingrich provided, don't worry! Despite the vice-presidency being the most high-profile and pointless job outside the royal family, the Republicans have a knack for picking some doozies as running mates. There was Ken doll Dan Quayle, who thought he was JFK and couldn't spell potato; Dick Cheney, the human Heart of Darkness; and of course, Sarah Palin, who needs no elaboration.

Whoever Romney picks, they will be mainstream Christian, establishment and unwaveringly rightwing. In other words, everything Romney is not. So who is in the Veepstakes, as one is legally bound to call it? Let's find out.

Pros: Has what is frequently described as "Latino Appeal", which I think means he sports J-Lo's latest perfume. Has reportedly spent $40,000 investigating himself so Democrats can't whip out any gotchas …

Cons: … but this is because he was gotcha-ed, badly, last year when his oft-repeated claim that his parents were forced to leave Cuba when Fidel Castro came to power was shown to be nonsense. Also, shouldn't a man know himself if he has a dodgy past?

Paul Ryan

Pros: Ugh, Paul Ryan. Sorry, we're in the pros section, right? I mean, yay Paul Ryan? Fond of making extreme budget cuts for the needy while sparing corporations, which is a good thing in the eyes of the GOP.

Cons: The budget Ryan devised and which was passed last week was compared by Paul Krugman in the New York Times to "pink slime".

Random fact: Like George Galloway, Ryan likes making comparisons between events in his country and the Arab spring. Unlike Galloway, he does not do so favourably.

Random fact: Now known as Bob Vaginal Probe McDonnell. With a name like that, I bet he always has a date on a Friday night. Amirite ladeez or amirite?

Chris Christie

Pros: The avuncular governor of New Jersey is possibly the only man in the country who could make Romney seem human. Vetoed the bill to legalise gay marriage in his state, which should please the GOP homophobes.

Cons: Imagine an American, rightwing John Prescott. A man with a temper and little filter, judging by the time he called a Navy Seal who interrupted him at a meeting an "idiot".