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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Colonel Breast: My Dad Gets His Way Once Again; by JUSTIN MARKUSS

(Here is the story about my father and his KFC catastrophe. A Little Background: My dad always gets what he wants; especially when he feels that he was ripped off. )

One Sunday, my parents decided to invite my grandmother, brother, my brother's girlfriend, my girlfriend and I over for dinner (nothing fancy). My parents decided to get KFC, and of course my brother and I were volunteered to go get it. Sounds like a simple, boring Sunday dinner, but thanks to an incompetent KFC employee, a wrinkle and a laugh were upon the horizon.

When my brother and I returned from KFC, everyone got their chicken and began to eat. In the corner of my eye, I saw my dad approach the bucket, and begin to examine each piece of chicken, one after the other. He then asked everyone if they had taken any breasts. Of course my brother and I chuckled like two little school boys, although my dad didn’t find it to be that funny. After examining all of the chicken on our plates, he became irate. Holding two chicken legs, pumping his fists, my dad began to shout, "There should be breasts; they forgot the breasts! They ripped us off. The breasts are the most expensive part of the chicken." My dad then said that he was going to call KFC and complain, which knowing my dad is something he would do, but I thought that he was joking this time. He went upstairs to my parents’ bedroom. I quietly followed, and made it to the top of the stairs just as he finished dialing. I heard my dad utter the following, "Yeah, we ordered a 20 piece bucket, and it didn’t come with any breast. Your menu clearly states there are to be breasts included in the bucket. Furthermore, my friend is visiting and he only likes the breasts, now he can’t enjoy his meal and I am upset." If I were on the other line of the phone, I would’ve laughed hysterically, thinking it was a prank call, but I guess the KFC contingent is trained to take all calls seriously. My dad came back to the dinning room with a look of accomplishment on his face. He proudly rang, "Next time we get KFC, I just have to tell them my name, and we will get extra breasts."

A month later we got KFC once again. I went with my dad to pick up the chicken, with one thing in mind. As they handed my dad the bucket of chicken, and of course his extra breasts, I shouted, "I am the friend who loves the breasts!"

-- JUSTIN MARKUSS is a comedian based in Pittsburgh who has been featured at the FunnyBone; he has worked with - Mitch Fatel, Arte Lange from the Howard Stern Show, the Queen of Mean Lisa Lampanelli, and Harry Anderson (Night Court). Check him out HERE