Shia LaBeouf Announces He’s ‘Retiring From Public Life’ Because Of ‘Attacks On My Artistic Integrity’

Shia Labeouf recently announced that he’s retiring from pubic lice. Wait no, I read that wrong, he says he’s retiring from public life. Oh no! Quick, someone hire a skywriter to draw a giant frownie face!

Poor lamb. Who knew ripping off a guy’s work without permission or attribution and subsequent refusal to acknowledge his own culpability would lead to such unwarranted attacks against his artistic integrity? I’m sad to see him go, but at least he’s learned his lesson, right?!

Good thing he left such a massive body of work for us to enjoy before he went off to grow his fingernails and walk around his mansion with Kleenex boxes on his shoes.

“Every time you pick up a book, enjoy a painting, or take in a film, know that I created that because I love you and want you to be happy.” -Shia LaBeouf.

At least he’ll be happy knowing that there are going to be hundreds of people who will be witnessing what his dong looks like. I’m sure he’s very pleased about that. He’s probably not as pleased as he would be if he got to just unleash it straight into your ears and eyes, though.

Vince, let me tell you something. The whole world is a circus if you know how to look at it. The way the sun goes down when you’re tired, comes up when you want to be on the move. That’s real magic. The way a leaf grows. The song of the birds. The way the desert looks at night, with the moon embracing it. Oh, my boy, that’s… that’s circus enough for anyone. Every time you watch a rainbow and feel wonder in your heart. Every time you pick up a handful of dust, and see not the dust, but a mystery, a marvel, there in your hand. Every time you stop and think, “I’m alive, and being alive is fantastic!” Every time such a thing happens, you’re part of the Circus of Shia LaBeouf.

We’ll see how long this lasts. I mean, I have no doubt Shia is serious and would keep his word, but his millions of fans will beg him to reconsider, and what kind of person would he be if he denied the world the benefit of his genius? He’d be history’s greatest criminal!

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely, the pangs of despised love, the law’s delay, the insolence of office and the spurns
that patient merit of the unworthy takes? Fuck all y’all haters, I’ll be over here making my quietus with a bare bodkin. #originalthought #nottobe #ctrl-C-U-L8R

I’m still perplexed as to how he’s had as successful a career as he has. He’s not especially handsome or athletic, he’s obviously not eloquent or intelligent, and he’s not a great actor. I blame Spielberg. He forced him on us enough times that the public got used to him being a sort of star, when we should have done to him what happened to Taylor Lautner. At least Llamautner had abs.

My best friend refuses to acknowledge Labeouf’s ingrained dickey purely on the basis of his (apparently obvious) immense good looks and sex appeal.
It’s things like that which make you realise you can never really know anyone.

I am actually curious whether or not Shia grows up one day. Maybe he finally gets rejected by his friends and family, loses all his money and goes on some walkabout sabbatical in order to discover his true self.

Then he comes back and stuns the world by writing, directing, and producing a film about homeless women or something that wins an Oscar and brings in millions of dollars and exposure to charity groups associated with the movie. But then he refuses to accept any money or credit for the movie and instead continues his work helping the poor anonymously. On the side he quietly builds new orphanages in remote desolate countries and builds water wells in poor villages in Africa.

Or maybe he reads this, steals the story and writes a movie about it that no one realizes is plagiarized until they read Filmdrunk.

I am actually curious whether or not Shia grows up one day. Maybe he finally gets rejected by his friends and family, loses all his money and goes on some walkabout sabbatical in order to discover his true self.

Then he comes back and stuns the world by writing, directing, and producing a film about homeless women or something that wins an Oscar and brings in millions of dollars and exposure to charity groups associated with the movie. But then he refuses to accept any money or credit for the movie and instead continues his work helping the poor anonymously. On the side he quietly builds new orphanages in remote desolate countries and builds water wells in poor villages in Africa.

Or maybe he reads this, steals the story and writes a movie about it that no one realizes is plagiarized until they read Filmdrunk.