REM Bernard used all the rancid butter to make nose plugs earlieron with cut up pieces of the orange feather boa. The greasy handbag is still hanging in a leafy tree outside Glinda's house.

>Take gold plastic.

>Take miniature smokestack.

>Go North.

Manny has gone. To the East is the stream, to the West is the road down the mountain.

>Go North again to reach the source of the river bubbling up between 2 trees.

>Look more closely at the scattered pebbles you saw earlier gleaming beneath the sunlit water. They do indeed seem to be gold.

>Use the gold plastic on the pebbles. Immediately a wisp of mist rises & slowly manifests into a transparent & ethereal image of a gold female clad in flowing robes. She seems to be clutching something in one of her hands. She holds her hand out to you and opens it to reveal a solid looking star stone.

>Take star stone. The lady fades into a wisp which disappears back into the pebbles.

>Go South. Just then you see what looks like a bird carrying something flying towards you. As it nears you can see it's Cedric holding the handbag. He eventually lands on your shoulder & you take the handbag. "It was mentioned 3 times" he said "I thought you might have need of it" You look in the handbag. Yuck! it's full of mold. You ratch through & find the 2 latin - english dictionary pages which are now moist & green. You look again & find the wire retainer also covered in mold which you take out & put in your pocket.

"How did you get here Cedric?" you ask. "through one of the many portals that keep opening up" he replies "it's about to close, but I thought you might be glad of my services as well as the handbag".

You quickly combine the birthday card with the envelope & hand it to Cedric. "Thank you Cedric" you say "this is important, please can you hurry back through the portal & give this to Pépé". At that Cedric takes the envelope with birthday card enclosed & speedily flies away.

>Examine statue. It's an Aztec-like statue of a young womaan with one emerald eye missing & it's also very moldy.

>Use emerald with Aztec statue. The emerald doesn't fit.

>Examine statue again. This time you look at the base & see a small inscription. 'Made in Chinajá.'

>Look east. There's a small stream. It looks as if you could easily wade through it but on the opposite bank there is what appears to be a bubbling mass of mud. You pick up a heavy boulder from the ground & toss it over to the other side of the stream. It lands & is quickly consumed by the mud. Oh!

BTW, the thread will soon be long enough that we will have to come up with an in-game reason to switch to a new thread. Perhaps after the B'tro L'ateque temple?

What did we leave in the purse? Two pages from the Latin dictionary and The Retainer, (wire and plastic version) correct? Maybe we could poison The Whizzer with the retainer. How long does it take ingested mold to kill someone, I wonder?

REM The retainer was Dean GumTooth, mild-mannered orthodontist who had been secretly taking odd chemicals in an attempt to beome the first Superhero Dentist. Dr. GumTooth was with King Graham's family when Mordack came to kidnap them.

Mordack cast a spell to shrink the entire group, just as Dr. Gumtooth was about to fit Rosella's retainer. The spell interacted badly with the chemicals in the dentist's body, and he was permanently infused into the substance of the retainer. His magical powers were amplified by the spell, the chemical combinations, and his purety of heart.

The retainer was merely trying to be helpful. He was, err, making things up as he went along.

This story grew out of my own personal guilt complex, as I continue to do whatever I can to not see my dentist for any reason.

>Meanwhile....back at the Whizzer's castle Dirk is left standing at the edge of the poppy field wondering what to do next.

He could just beam up now & leave everyone to it, but Starfleet's directive now comes to mind 'To Explore New Front Ears & Face The Final World'. As he ponders this he realises that he has never come across any front ears to explore, & up until now no final world to face. "Mmm" he thinks "at last! maybe it's a chance for promotion".

As he thinks about the prestigious ceremony that would await he glances over the poppy field & conscience gets the better of him. Pépé Le Pew. He must find a way of waking him up before it's too late.

All of a sudden a small mechanical owl appears from nowhere carrying an envelope. He quickly flies over the field & drops it into it's midst & disappears again. "Cedric, is that you?" Dirk cries, but he's gone.

A few minutes later Dirk hears a giant yawn & espies 2 fluffy paws appear briefly above the poppies & then Pépé's voice "Oh cool!, some dude's remembered my birthday, must be time to PAAARTEE!"

There's some rustling & Pépé emerges from the field rubbing his eyes with one paw & holding the envelope with his card in the other. "Oh man!" he says on seeing Dirk "I've had the most far out dream, I dreamt that I had all these beautiful...." "Not now Pépé" Dirk interjects "You, me, Michael, Lord O'Scars & the children are all in a lot of danger....." "But it's my birthday man!" Pépé protests "I want to celebrate! I want wine, women ...." Dirk not knowing what else to do suddenly snatches the envelope containing his birthday card & rips it up into small pieces & tosses them into the poppy field.

Pépé stops & stares for a minute then tears start to well up in his eyes. He then starts to shake & shiver uncontrollably, move his arms in a flapping motion & mutter 'gobble, gobble'.

The two of them make their way to the gate. As they approach they hear the intimidating flapping of wings & terrifying screeches. Nearing they see Michael collapsed looking very bare with much of his straw missing. Lord O'Scars is standing over him trying to fend of a relentless attack by the Flying Monkey Pirates.

The monkeys become distracted by the intrusion & on seeing Pépé, all of a sudden stop screeching, hold their noses, fold one of their wings over their faces & fly away coughing as fast as they can, desperately flapping their other wing.

Michael is in a very bad way. Dirk contacts the Bentbutflise & atO'Hairy's response says "O'Hairy, you've done a basket weaving course haven't you, can you fix up Michael for me, here's the co-ordinates."

A few seconds later Michael disappears as he's beamed up to the Starship.

Dirk, Lord O'Scars & Pépé, who is now getting back to normal, go to find the children.

Meanwhile, back in Mexico, you are standing next to the stream with the bubbling, boiling mass of mud.

>Use shoehorn on mud.

That will not cool the mud.

>Use feardust on mud.

You take out the pan of feardust and toss it over the boiling mud. The mud stops being angry and becomes afraid. You watch it quake with terror, and then wobble upstream to hide under the trees by the spring.

>Go East.

You cross the stream, getting your feet very wet, and continue on East. You come up over a rise and realize that you are now in a forested hanging valley. (You have always wanted to visit a hanging valley.) Birds chirp as you walk through the forest, and rays of sunlight glance down through the trees. The threat of planetary alignment and eclipse seems worlds away.

At the heart of the valley, the path takes a sudden turn, and you stand before a huge stone statue of an Aztec goddess. Cruel lips reveal an opening, a possible way to get inside and explore the caves within the mountain.

To the north is a huge Aztec statue. To the south is the path out of the valley. To the East is a continuation of the forest. To the West is Mama Tostita’s Temple of Ptula B'tro L'ateque Gift Shop.

>Enter Mama Tostita’s Temple of Ptula B'tro L'ateque Gift Shop.

You open the door and enter. To your right are shelves of assorted items. Above them is a sign that says: “Adventure Game Inventory Item Collection.” On the nearest shelf you see (among other things) Kate Walker’s cell phone, April Ryan’s rubber ducky and Oliver Lavisheart’s Armageddon cocktail. On a shelf to your far right is a microwave oven with odd scrambling sounds issuing from it. On a shelf to your left is a worn book, with the word "Myst" on it.

To your left is a counter. Behind the counter is a person hiding under a blanket. Eerie, frightening music (slightly muffled) can be heard from that direction.

>Pick up Myst book.

1 item added to inventory.

Pick up Amageddeon cocktail.

1 item added to inventory.

>Open microwave door.

You open the door of the microwave and find a live hamster inside. You pick up the hamster.

1 inventory item added.

>Go left.

You approach the counter and place the Myst book on it. “May I purchase this, or perhaps negotiate an exchange?” you ask.

The person under the blanket throws it off. She is an attractive brunette, wearing a brown skirt, a heavily-starched, white-collared blouse and old-fashioned headphones. You can see that she has been playing a computer game, having thrown the blanket over herself and the computer to make the experience darker and more…intimate.

“Can I help you?” she says, removing the headphones.

“Mamma Tostita, I presume?” you ask. Then you realize that you recognize the voice. “No, you’re Nancy Drew!” you exclaim.

“I am, in the existential sense, NOT Nancy Drew,” says the attractive brunette. “I am merely the goddess Ptula in her American Detective Aspect.” She sees the Myst book on the counter. “That is not available for purchase,” she says. “Not to mention that it would sidetrack you for weeks – perhaps for a lifetime.”

“Is anything in the adventure game inventory item collection for sale?” you ask, deeply frustrated.

“No,” says the goddess Ptula in her American Detective Aspect. “The only useful items for purchase or exchange are within in this glass display case before you.”

>Examine glass display case.

In the case are 3 items: A record album in a cardboard sleeve labeled: “Petula Clark: British Pop Singer Aspect of the Goddess Ptula.” There's also a bottle of "Yakov’s Elixir and Mold Remover," and the letter “S,” printed in parser-tongue on a piece of paper.

“Which item in the case would you like to purchase/exhange?” asks the American Detective Aspect.

“I’ll take them all,” you say expansively.

“Ah, so you too are an American.”

“What makes you say that? I'm an AFGNCAAP, an Ageless, Faceless, Gender-Neutral, Culturally-Ambiguous Adventure Person. I have no face, no gender, no age. How can I be a citizen of a specific country?”

“Perhaps an unwarranted deduction,” says the Aspect. “Your desire to have it all, and the tattoo on your right arm led me to this conclusion.”

>Examine tattoo.

You had no idea that you had a tattoo! After several contortions of your arm, you see tattooed letters just below the elbow. You can make out the words, reading them upside down: “Speak softly and carry a thermal detonator.”

“You may be right,” you say. “In any case, may I purchase a thermal detonator?”

“O foolish AFGNCAAP,” says the Aspect very slowly, as though explaining something to a stubborn child. “The next step in your quest is to propriate the goddess Ptula in her Planetary Alignment Aspect. A thermal detonator would blow everything to smithereens.”

“Yes, but I think that I MUST have this tattoo for a reason,” you say. “I’ve probably sent this message to myself from another dimension, or perhaps from my life before I became an AFGNCAAP.”

“Fine!” the Aspect snaps. She hands you a thermal detonator from a shelf behind the counter. “I suppose you’d like all the items in this case for a 1-hour trial demo?”

“Cheater!” shrieks the Aspect. “One of these items was mine to begin with! You must now exit through the Cheater’s Door!

"You will miss the Waterfall of Exquisite Puzzle Torture! You will cheat yourself of the Final Big Boss Fat Troll Combat! You are not worthy of the Ten-Step Gong and Door Chime Sound-Matching Challenge!”

You hear a loud beeping from the darkest corner of the shop. A flashing Neon sign says: “Cheater’s Entrance Directly to Temple of Ptula.”

>Enter Entrance. On entering you hear the sound of an enormous crowd starting to clap & cheer then stop silent. After you've taken a few seconds to adjust your eyes, you see ahead of you what looks like a very long black catwalk barely lit. On either side there seems to be vast expanses in the gloom where you think you glimpse a few faces or two.

You take a step forward & hear a very loud 'parp' followed by someone shout 'YOU LOWDOWN CHEATING FLIMFLAMMER'.

You take another step forward & the areas to the side of you light up & you see millions of people looking & then start to boo & hiss at you. As the sound resounding all around you gets louder & louder you start to feel very self conscious Even more so when you hear someone else shout 'A DUNCE TOO! WHAT SORT OF 'ATS THAT?'

You now feel totally humiliated & start to run towards the end of the catwalk & get there amazingly quickly but not enough to escape the barrage of custard pies, rotten eggs & socks hurled at you on the way.

Socks? Yes, socks! The crowd after running out of 'pies' & 'eggs' decided to remove their foot attire, shake their bare feet at you & use you as target practise for some of their discarded items.

You come to a door with a flashing Neon sign above saying "Cheater's Exit to Temple of Ptula. Thank you for your custom. Mama Tostita".

> Open door. You are now outside.

> Wipe the custard pie from your face & find a stinky sock. Add to your inventory by putting it in pocket. You hear a slight choking cough. > Move sock to other pocket.

A few yards ahead you see the steep steps leading up to the top of an enormous Aztec temple & at the bottom a market stall. Not far behind the temple is an imposing mountain, one of the range on the border of Guatamala, & at it's base a settlement of small grassy huts.

> Go to market stall. You are amazed to see it only has for sale lots of small Aztec-like statues of young women with one 'emerald' eye like the one you have.

What, that the priceless Aztec treasure you’ve been dragging along is actually just a cheap trinket from Chinajá?

>No, I was hoping to buy a few more, but there’s no one around to buy from.

Ah. Yes. I see how that would be a problem.

>Oh well. Climb temple stairs

After a very strenuous climb, you finally reach the top. A sign is here, pointing to a small structure to the north. It reads: “This way to the Ultra Cool Temple of Awesomeness”

There is also another sign, pointed east. It reads: “Beverages – Water – Soda -- $6.50 Juices – $8.50”

From up here, you have a Very Nice View.

>Take Very Nice View

You take the Very Nice View and put it in your pocket.

>North

You follow the sign towards the temple. What you see is disappointing.

The temple of awesomeness is two stories tall, and the roof of the upper story has collapsed. You enter the lower section through a small, angled door.

The inside is dark and cramped, lit only by a pair of candles and what little light manages to seep in through the door. Above you, apparently reaching into the second floor, is a small alcove lit by another candle, too high to reach. To the north is a small gray statue of Ptula, with an indentation in the base in the shape of the moon. To the west is a statue of Petula Clark, with an indentation in the base in the shape of the sun. And to the East is—

>--Let me guess, a statue of a Ptooie Piranha with an indentation in the base in the shape of a star?

Incorrect. It is a statue of Vincent Van Gogh. At his feet are a small bottle of olive oil and a wig.

>Huh. So what, is he Ptula in her Dutch Male Post-Impressionist aspect?

No, Ptula just really likes people with only one ear.

>Whatever. Take stuff from Van Gogh’s feet.

You take the oddly familiar bottle of olive oil and the wig.

>So, um, I have this “S” in parser-tongue. Any idea what it says?

I’m not sure you want to know.

>No really. What does it say?

Well, it’s either the sound a snake makes, or…

>…Or?

Or it’s a very bad drawing of a snake.

>You…you don’t even know what parser-tongue is, do you.

Nope.

>Fine. While we’re at it, use the mold-remover on the moldy things in my inventory.

>Put the moonstone in the star-shaped thingamabobber and so on and so forth.

You place the moonstone and the sunstone in their appropriate locations, then place the starstone in Vincent’s ear.

>His ear? Okay, see now, that I might not have gotten for a while.

You, in your highly imaginative language, would have chosen to “Use starstone on Vincent.” It amounts to the same thing.

Still, nothing happens.

>You’re insufferable

A fact I take much pride in, I assure you.

>Look, could I ask you for a favor?

That depends. What’s the favor?

>Read the paper out loud.

What, the paper with an “S” on it?

>Yes, that.

Very well. *Ahem* It says:

OPEN SESAME.

With a screeching of disused gears and scraping stone, the walls of the temple rotate around until the door is standing directly opposite its original location. Behind it is another portal.

>The paper says “Open Sesame?”

No no, it clearly says “S.” It’s pronounced “Open Sesame.”

>Oh, forget it. Walk through the portal.

You enter the portal and find yourself standing in a small forest. Nearby you hear someone crashing through the undergrowth.

>Follow sound

You start forging your way through the shrubbery towards the sound, only to have a ladder land on your head. “Ow!” you shout, although the ladder has landed around your neck and, in retrospect, the impact didn’t really hurt.

>Oh gods, not this again.

Huh?

>Put on wig.

What? WHY???

>Just do it. It’s important.

Fine. You put on the wig.

A moment later you are not at all surprised to see an exact duplicate of yourself stumble out of the shrubbery, minus the ladder and the wig.

>Hand olive oil to duplicate.

You give him your olive oil. "You're going to need this," you say.

>West

You wander off to the west, and very soon manage to fall through a portal in the ground, landing back inside the temple. This time the impact does hurt.

>Hm. Use ladder on alcove?

You lean the ladder against the wall and climb up towards the alcove. You find a switch, covered in cobwebs.

>Pull switch

It doesn’t budge.

>Push switch?

The switch collapses back into the wall and you proceed to fight off nagging vertigo as the entire room begins to revolve once again. When it’s stopped, you climb back down. The door now leads to a different portal. From the other end you hear the sounds of a protracted battle.

>Enter portal

You enter the portal and find yourself in the Whizzer’s throne room. The Whizzer is hiding behind his throne, hurling lightning and ordering his remaining flying pirate monkeys to attack. On the other end of the room, Mia, Mal and Cassie are huddled behind a collapsed column. Mal is deflecting incoming projectiles, Mia is (not surprisingly) on the offensive, and Cassie is glowing, as she occasionally does.

In the corner you spot Dirk, hiding behind a statue of Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Something Or Other, holding his teaser gun (set to full tease). Every time he tries to move, a monkey pirate fires a bullet in his general direction. Beside him is Michael, patched up and in fine condition, more or less.

As you enter, all eyes in the room turn towards you.

>Uh oh.

The Whizzer takes advantage of the confusion to tap his heels together, forming another portal in the wall. Behind it you see a large armada of flying Monkey Pirate ships, bearing your way.

You, Mia, and Dirk look at Michael in stunned silence for a moment before each saying in unison, “Ohhhh.”

“Okay, that’s all great,” says Cassie, “But how exactly does it relate to our current situation?”

“It doesn’t,” you admit. Peeking around the corner of the column at the throne, you get an idea. “What about an attack from above?” you ask.

“Well, that’d work,” says Mal. “He can’t shield himself and attack at the same time. But how were you figuring on managing it?”

”Oh,” you say, “I have my ways!”

>Use Very Nice View

The walls flicker and change until the entire throne room appears to be hanging out on top of a very large Aztec temple. The battle slows as the Whizzer and his monkeys try to determine what’s going on. Seizing your chance, you run forward towards the throne, shouting at the top of your lungs:

Oh my. You’d try shouting all that in the three seconds before you’re blasted to pieces?

>Hey Whizzer, look behind you?

Try again.

>Eulaaaaalia?

*Sigh* No.

>Abra Cadabra, Hocus Pocus, Peanut Butter and—

NO.

>Adumbrate the elephant?

At your shout, the Whizzer stares at you in bemusement. With his attention elsewhere, a very confused elephant drops from the ceiling crushes him flat. Sticking out from underneath the elephant, you can just make out the Whizzer’s feet, still wearing the silver slippers.

The room grows quiet. One of the Flying Monkey ships crashes into the side of a portal, but the monkeys onboard are too dumbfounded to do anything.

A few moments later, the entire monkey horde collapses in helpless laughter.

>Not very loyal, are they.

They’re evil minions. What were you expecting?

>Pick up slippers

You kneel down and remove the slippers from the Whizzer’s feet. As you do so, the dunce cap slips off your head and lands on the floor with a dull thump.

The walls flicker: it seems the Very Nice View has fulfilled its purpose and is returning to where it belongs.

You turn and see Mia, Cassie, Michael and Mal grinning in exhausted relief. Dirk nods slowly, still trying to figure out where the elephant came from. “Wow, that was great!” he says enthusiastically. “I never saw it coming!”

You hear a low rumble rising through the floor as the walls and ceiling. In predictable evil lair/ancient temple fashion, it seems the palace is going to try to crush you to death as it falls to pieces. The monkeys all begin to scramble for the most convenient exits, which (for most of them) means the portals. The elephant, not sure what’s going on, stands up and starts pacing around nervously.

Cassie yawns. “I guess we should be leaving, then.”

“You don’t seem to be in much of a hurry,” notes Dirk.

“Of course not. I’ve watched plenty of movies before. The second the last of us gets out, the temple will collapse behind us in an enormous fireball that somehow manages not to harm any of us.” She continues in her odd, slightly detached tone. “It will be very exciting.”

“Well, even so…” says Dirk, “Maybe it’s best to get moving?”

“Sure,” you say, “just give me a moment.” You head towards the back of the room.

>I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, you know…

Dirk steps aside as a falling chunk of masonry nearly wings his shoulder. Behind him, one of the winged monkeys jumps on the back of an elephant and starts guiding it out a convenient portal. “Look, “ he tries to reason, “I’m all for collecting valuable artifacts in my spare time, but there’s nothing back there. Just a few clay jars, a very heavy statue and an old, ratty curtain. Let’s get going already.”

You ignore him, stepping over bits of debris as you head towards the curtain in the back.

>Actually, I’m with Dirk on this one. Let’s turn around and get out of here. Okay?

As you approach, a hand snakes out from behind the curtain, palm up. The owner seems to be waiting for something.

In the background you hear Cassie gasp. “Mia, behind the curtain…is that—“

“—Oh no.” You hear Mia take a quick step forward, followed by a roar as a large fireball rushes past you towards the curtain on the wall.

Silently, you tap the slippers together. The fireball disappears.

>Hello? Is this thing even working right now?

Perfectly, adventurer.

>Parser, what are you playing at? I’d really, really like to turn around right about now.

"Right then," says Dirk. "This is your last war--" You tap the two slippers together again, and Dirk's final words are cut off as he fades into nothing. Shouts from Cassie and Mia confirm that Mal has vanished along with him. Tapping the slippers once more, the statue disappears as well.

In a short time, you’ve reached the curtain.

>This isn't funny, Parser. Stop it.

You hand over the slippers. The arm withdraws behind the curtain, and from behind it you hear triumphant, maniacal laughter. You turn around.

Behind you, Mia is sobbing, and Cassie is....glowing, and muttering something under her breath in a language you don't recognize.

>Don't you dare.

There is another click, and the two remaining children vanish from existence.

>

Lost for words, adventurer?

>Who are you? What are you planning to do with the slippers?

You mean you haven't figured that out by now?

>Open curtain

You hear a final click. The world vanishes and you find yourself standing in a bright white, formless void.

>look

Still relying on me, even after all that?

>Where am I?

I'm banishing you to another thread of existence, adventurer. That's what you've always wanted, isn't it? A little adventure in your life? Exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new puzzles and new inventory items? Boldly going where no Ageless, Faceless, Gender-Neutral, Culturally-Ambiguous Adventure Person has gone before?

>Not like this, parser. What have you done with the others? Where are they?

I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you, adventurer. You won’t be seeing them again.

>Like heck I won’t.

Ah, so you’ve learned not to trust me. That is wise, though rather belated. I do thank you, human. You have proven…most useful.

>You manipulated me.

I use the materials presented to me. You, foolish wanderer, happened to be available.

>You still haven’t told me who you are.

You bore me, adventurer. Enjoy yourself in this new world of yours. I’m afraid it’s all you’ve got.

Farewell.

>Parser?

>Hello?

>

>This isn’t another dream sequence, is it? Because you’ve used that trope about twelve times now. It was old the first time.

>

You wait, for a time, hoping for a response. None comes. Time passes—hours, or days—and after a while you grow cold and sit, waiting for something to happen.

Your thoughts are stirred by a loud beeping coming from your pocket.

From your pocket, you pull the beeping portable game console and the retainer. The screen on the console blinks on with a message which reads:

"Ha!" says the retainer. "It looks like the Parser forgot a couple of things. The second was: always check the inventory of wily adventure characters BEFORE banishing them! But the most important was—never ignore a retainer who used to be a computer programmer before becoming an orthodontist, turning into a retainer and gaining bizarre magical powers!”

As he speaks, your new reality floods into view. Objects flicker by at an alarming rate. You are in an open field west of a big white house with a boarded front door. There is a small mailbox here which recedes into the distance as the white house collapses into a voodoo swamp, surrounded by eagles on pogosticks. Around you waves of trees rise and fall as mountains and hills reshape themselves. Bits and pieces of cities, villages, forests, carnivals and castles half-form before vanishing into mist, and, ever-so-slowly, a new world begins to appear.

The progression slows until its nearly imperceptible and then stops entirely. Wherever you are, you’ve arrived.

You are standing at a crossroads. The road continues to the North, South, East and West.