[Pyros flare and Pantera’s “Walk” thunders from the Consol Energy Center’s PA system as a packed house cheers at what will mark the beginning of the new era of internet wrestling, the LetsGoPensWrestlingFederation.]

Jim Ross: Hello, everybody and welcome to the first show of what looks like will be an epic adventure. Here with me is the King, Jerry Lawler, and we are coming to you live from the Consol Energy Center in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Jerry Lawler: Alright, alright. Before any of you at home get too excited, were gonna have a speech from our esteemed commissioner, Canaan. So just shut up and listen.

[The arena lights rise as the Pantera theme comes to a conclusion. The commissioner comes out past the LGPWF-tron and signals to the crowd that he wants to speak]

Canaan: Alright, you pukes. Just shut up and listen to what I have to say.

[The crowd hisses immediately]

Canaan: You already paid admission so who cares how you feel? Just buy the $6.00 popcorn and shut your yaps.

[A pontificating pause as the crowd begins to boil]

Canaan: We are here to provide you with top notch wrestling—the sport, not the sports entertainment. As doing so, we like to throw a curveball from time to time. So, in saying that, tonight’s contestants will not only be involved with a Royal Rumble-style match, we have decided to kick it up one notch higher.

[The crowd’s boos turn to cheers]

Canaan; (scoffs) Oh, now you like me? Get bent. (pause) Like I was saying, tonight’s event will be a Royal Rumble affair, but we’ve made some ….how you say, “alterations”

[Canaan walks off laughing as the lights dim again. The center area above the ring begins to shine a bright red light as a door opens. From this door, a mangled-weave of barb wire jut outs like some macabre adaptation of a shape that resembles Disney’s Epcot ball. The web of welded chain, barb wire, and weaponry sends a hush over the crowd. As it lowers to encase the ring, the cacophony of cheers bellow. A small, 6’ by 4’ opening in the lower corner is the only way to get in or out. The 9 feet of space between the ring edge and the cage beginning.]

Jim Ross: MY GAW. MY GAW. THAT SON OF A B**** HAS DONE IT THIS TIME. HE CANT EXPECT THESE MEN TO FIGHT IN SUCH CONDITIONS??!

Jerry Lawler: HA! HA! I LOVE IT! THIS CANAAN IS A GENIUS! A GENIUS I TELL YOU!

Jim Ross: How are they even gonna fight in this hornet’s nest with the fear of getting stung by that barbed wire. WHAT A SICK SON OF A …

[Jim’s microphone cuts off]

[The LGPWF cuts to a video, with what looks to be a dark figure sitting on a stool in the middle of an abandoned warehouse.]

Unknown Figure: I find it comical that this show will crown the first LGPWF champion. Someone winning the championship out of these buffoons is like winning the prettiest girl in Pittsburgh contest....not much competition. Canaan may think that he has kept me out of his little play group, and he has for the time being, but let it be known that I guarantee that I will be seen in the LGPWF, and when I arrive, the fun is over for everyone.

My name is Dom Olney. Some refer to me as "The Bully". That's not meant to be a cute play on words of the Broad Street Bullies. I earned that name. I hail from the Devil's Pocket area of South Philly. Why was it called the Devil's Pocket? Because back in the day, the priest from the local church said that all of us kids living there were so horrible that we'd steal the wallet right out of the devil's pocket. Trust me, I would. There are more pressing things for me to take right now, though. I'm going to take the LGPWF by storm. I'm going to take Canaan's pride. Last but not least, I'm going to take what should already be mine, the LGPWF championship.

[Olney throws an empty bottle against the wall and walks away. Bro Hymn plays in the background.]

Jerry Lawler: Who the heck was that?

Jim Ross: I dunno, but I like the kid—a friend of my enemy is my friend. The closer it gets to having him here, the better we all are.

Jerry Lawler: Hes nothing but a fake tough guy. Hes not going anywhere in this federation with Canaan in charge—he’ll see to that.

Jim Ross: Well, lets get to the business at hand with tonight’s event.

[The camera pans out over the crowd. They are hyped up as can be.]

[The lights fade as an instrumental version of Led Zeppelin’s Kashmir fades in. Zane A. Sylum runs to the ring that already has Abraham Jabroniwitz and Jay Tee Oharrgh standing there waiting for him. He gently crawls through the opening in the hornet’s nest and slowly slithers into the ring. The two known Canaan henchmen in Jabroniwitz and Oharrgh whisper to each other while Zane stands on the opposite corner of the cage.]

[Just at that moment, Elis’ The Burning begins to trail over the PA and the enigma known as Ob Gyn Kenobi makes his way to the ring inside the cage. He scoots under the bottom rope and stands in an open corner. The two henchmen stand opposite of Sylum and Kenobi. Sylum and Kenobi seem to nod as if they were to be partners until the odds were a bit more even]

[The House lights come on and the bell rings. The Wrestle Revolution has begun. The 2:00 time clock has as well.]

The four men charge at each other. A furious exchange of blows between the four men have the crowd in a rage. Sylum whips Jabroniwitz into the ropes and drops with a furious clothesline. Jabroniwitz falls facedown only to be met with a crushing leg drop to his cranium soon after. Sylum slithers under the bottom rope to acquire a weapon from the hornet’s nest.

Kenobi isn’t so fortunate. JayTee’s speed overmatches Kenobi and both men are caught in a scuffle on the mat. Kenobi reaches for a weapon under his robe, but cant seem to locate his imitation model lightsaber. JayTee works for a modified texas clover leaf, but Kenobi defends well with the aid of the ropes. Both men make it to their feet and begin to exchange blows once more. Kenobi, without notice, drops to one knee, grabs JayTee in the business maker and stuns the man completely. While stunned, Kenobi grabs his arm and whips him over the top rope and onto the surround mat, barely missing the wirey mess.

Spoiler:

JAYTEE OHARRGH IS ELIMINATED

Zane returns to the ring with what looks like a mangled old man’s cane. He calls for Kenobi to help hold Jabroniwitz by the arms from behind while Zane holds the cane like a Louisville slugger. Kenobi obliges and Zane cocks back to mangle Jabroniwitz’ face. Abraham drops to the floor and Zane levels Kenobi—A classic Three Stooges moment. Jabroniwitz fixes his yarmulke and attacks the stunned Zane A. Sylum. Lefts and rights come in bunches and knock the wrestler known as Sylum back against the ropes. Jabroniwitz runs to the opposite ropes, bounces off, and lunges towards Sylum. In pure jobber fashion, he clotheslines Sylum so hard over the top rope that his momentum carries himself over as well. As the clock reaches 0:00, Ob Gyn Kenobi is the only contestant remaining and he lays unconscious in the center of the ring.

Spoiler:

ABRAHAM JABRONIWITZ IS ELIMINATED

ZANE A. SYLUM IS ELIMINATED

The crowd is ecstatic at who is to come next. Bruce Springsteen’s “The River” blares over the loudspeaker and the man known as the Bridge runs to the cage in a hurry. He scurries through the small gap in the cage and jumps onto the canvas. He quickly picks up the mound of skin and bone formerly referred to as Ob Gyn Kenobi. He hucks the comatosed wrestler over his shoulder like a fireman and easily drapes him over the top rope to the medical staff waiting to carry him off. There is 1:40 remaining on the clock and The Bridge begins to play up to the crowd. The crowd begins to swell as they chant “BRIDGE, BRIDGE, BRIDGE.” The clock strikes zero and the crowd falls to a hush

Spoiler:

OB GYN KENOBI IS ELIMINATED

[A trollish goon slithers out from outside the LGPWF-tron and Creed’s “My Own Prison” plays. The crowd covers their ears at the sound of the theme music and the man known as “The Firm” Morkle Munson smiles heartily at their pain. As he begins to make his way to the ring, the blue screen of death shows up on his logo and he runs back and smacks the LGPWF-tron. That does the trick. He pushes his glasses back towards his nose, fixes his tie, and continues back to the ring. He daintily climbs through the opening in the nest and walks around to the far side of the ring to walk up the steps to get into the ring. Morkle is sweating already. He climbs through the ropes and The Bridge approaches.]

The Bridge pulls back to wallop the IT professional but he stops when Munson waives him to stop to take off his spectacles. Morkle quickly drops the glasses and begins to pummel The Bridge, growing the ire of the Consol crowd. He makes a keyboard typing hand maneuver with both hand and then stabs for The Bridge’s eyes. The Bridge drops to one knee while Morkle moves in to rake the eyes. The Bridge recovers and hits Munson in his undercarriage dropping him quickly. The Bridge mockingly makes the typing the keyboard motion and drops an elbow on the fallen IT Pro. The Bridge gains to his feet and heads over to the ropes on the near side, climbs through the middle rope, and hoists himself over the rop into a frogsplash. The move draws a huge “OOOOOOH” from the crowd. The Bridge pulls Morkle to his feet. Morkle, in a...

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daze, is the recipient of a an old fashioned stunner that The Bridge calls the “scab breaker”. The bridge reaches over to the fallen Morkle and the clock ticks zero.

[The last of Canaan’s henchmen comes out of the curtain to Pantera’s “Walk”. the 3’4” french canadian Minimum Talbeaux, donning his orange and black singlet, comes meandering out of the back and runs to the ring. He climbs the mountain of steps while The Bridge looks on in complete disbelief.]

Morkle slithers out of the ring during the commotion and climbs underneath the ring mat. Talbeaux goes straight to the top rope and lunges at The Bridge. The Bridge catches the poutine-loving miscreant mid sentaun and throws him into the turnbuckle by his right arm. Morkle comes from underneath the mat with a foreign object, as if the thunderdome-esque surroundings werent enough for him. Munson is carrying a logitech keyboard that he pretends is an air guitar. He slides back into the ring and lines up the unsuspecting Bridge. A full-on charge eviscerates the keyboard into a hundred pieces as The Bridge falls to the mat. The french canadian midge is scared. Munson starts to make a mouse clicking motion with his right hand as he raises it to the air. The crowd goes wild. They know what’s coming--The Trojan Virus. In homage to the great Dudley Boyz and their Dudley Bomb, Munson picks up the frightened Orange fella over his head, and slams him in a most vicious sitdown powerbomb. The French Canadian may be dead--orange singlet covered in sweat and shame, Munson picks up his limp body and whips him over the rope and into the bottom ring of the hornet’s nest, bloodying him on the barbed wire and chain link

Spoiler:

MINIMUM TALBEAUX IS ELIMINATED

[The clock is at zero]

The Bridge and Morkle get back to what they are known for--bruising each other to hell. Lefts and rights continue as

[The PA plays Rainbow’s Stargazer and the lights go out. The Ceiling of the Consol lights up like a million little diamonds as constellations are shone all over. An ominous tarot card lights up on the LGPWF-tron and a grey smoke fills around the wrestler’s opening. An intelligent, but unfulfilled looking figured known as Stargazer runs out of the opening and hurries down to the ring. He does not enter, however. He sees the two men brutally attacking each other in the ring and patiently makes his way around the hornet’s nest to see what kind of toys he can add to the goings on]

The Bridge and Morkle grapple in a classic test of strength. The Bridge gets the early leverage and Morkle transistions that into a swift elbow to the ribs followed by a pumphandle slam. The men are both tired gasping for air. Stargazer finds a nice length of horsehide, ripe for whipping and slowly meanders into the ring. He quickly overtakes the two men and begins to viciously whip both of the men while drawing an evil sneer. As he draws blood from the back of The Bridge, unbeknownst to him, it is the next contestant’s time to enter the ring.

[Fugazi’s “Break” plays and Johnny Zontal comes running out to the barbaric structure, but after he leaves the entranceway near the LGPWF-tron, the commisioner Canaan follows him with a mic]

Jim Ross: What the hell does that sonofabitch want now?

[The four men in the ring stare at the commisioner. The Bridge and Munson are still bleeding on the mat while Stargazer and Johnny Zontal look on in confusion]

Canaan: Hey, boys. I said there would be some surprises

[The commissioner cackles as he points to the clock that reads 0:15]

Jerry Lawler: This guy is incredible! HAHAHAHA!

The Stargazer turns to whip Johnny Zontal with the horsehide but it is grabbed by the fresher wrestler. Zontal rips the hide from Stargazer’s hands and whips him as he did the two men writhing in pain on the canvas. As Stargazer spears the whip-having Zontal, the clock rings fresh meat.

[No music is played. As the wrestlers look towards the entrance to see Sean “Too Sexy” Styles come out, they are unaware that he has climbed out from underneath the ring and slides into the brawl with a chair in hand.]

The chair shots ring like big ben at midnight. Stargazer falls to the mat followed by The Bridge, Munson, and Johnny Zontal. With all 4 contestants on the mat, Styles drops the chair and gives an even more explicit ode to Ravishing Rick Rude by gyrating the hips and grabbing his junk--always the classy guy. Zontal gains ground and kicks the legs out from underneath Styles and falls to the mat with his head hitting the chair. Stargazer slithers out of the ring to his funhouse of toys. The Bridge and Zontal start to pummel on the already wrecked Munson. Completely madness is happening inside the squared circle.

Jim Ross: This is incredible

Jerry Lawler: Just... Perfect so far and its about to get better...

[The lights go out. A thick white fog surrounds a spotlight as the figure of a man begins to slowly rise from underneath the ramp and into the spotlight. As his body rose bright blue pyros began erupting from behind him on the stage. Finally the man fully appeared revealing Some Handsome Ass Dude. His head facing the ground, he quickly snaps his

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head up and looks directly into the camera that has panned onto his face. The fans go insane with cheers! Michael Jackson’s Thriller begins to blare as SHAD dances his way to the monstrosity that surrounds the ring.]

S.H.A.D. looks at the steel and barbed wire and at the massacre that is happening within its belly and decides he will wait it out on the perimeter of the ring. Stargazer notices this tactic and grabs a sledgehammer from the cage hand heads towards S.H.A.D. As Stargazer lays into the man, the crowd shouts along with the crushing blows. “POUND! POUND! POUND!” they chant as the blood begins to flow from the rookie wrestler. Stargazer drops the hammer, picks up the body, and tosses it into the ring. The Bridge sees that S.H.A.D.’s night is a short one as he is tossed over the ropes.

Spoiler:

SOME HANDSOME ASS DUDE IS ELIMINATED

[The final clock count hits its end and the Great theme of Iran plays. and plays. and plays. The Ayatollah is nowhere to be found. An official in a black suit trots down to where Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are sitting and whispers in their ears]

Jim Ross: Well, uh, folks. I dont really know how to say this but the Ayatollah wont be making it tonight. It seems as if he has been arrested and moved to Guantanamo Bay. When we know more, you’ll be the first to hear about it

And we were down to Stargazer, The Bridge, Sean “Too Sexy” Styles, Johnny Zontal, and Morkle “The Firm” Munson. Johnny Zontal attacks Too Sexy, while The Firm and The Bridge continue to beat each other senseless--Both bloody, both tired. Stargazer waltzes into the ring and picks up his favorite toy--the horsehide. He waits for The Bridge to get the upper hand on Munson and begins to beat on Munson. The Bridge clotheslines Stargazer and goes back to beating on the giant computer dork. Johnny Zontal takes down Too Sexy with a small spear and locks in a vicious texas cloverleaf. Too Sexy’s arrogance has dwindled away and hes pounding the mat in submission. The referee looks at him with no salve. This match has no submissions. As Too Sexy is writhing in pain, The Bridge picks up the wounded Munson and perfect plex’s the big man on top of Too Sexy. The beating that this man is taking is unparalleled. Stargazer joins the party and begins to whip Styles repeatedly. The Bridge, feeling flashbacks of the horsehide, turns his aim towards Stargazer, takes the hide and whips it into the ceiling of the barbedwiredome where it sticks out of reach.

Stargazer is furious. He attacks The Bridge with bath salts-riddled fury. He bites at The bridges face and neck. The Bridge defends and throws the man across the ring where Munson is ready to take hold. Stargazer reverses and begins to maul Munson’s face. Munson falls to the ground and grabs a hold of his mush. Too Sexy jumps to his feet and then the top rope. The Crowd rages with cheers because they know what is to happen. The Rick Rudean gyrating is topped only by an epic shooting star press that is nearly blinded by the camera flashes in the crowd. The place is electric. The Bridge and Zontal pick up the broken down Munson and tosses him out of the ring.

Spoiler:

MORKLE “THE FIRM” MUNSON IS ELIMINATED

Too Sexy is caught admiring his work and Johnny Zontal gives him a reverse neckbreaker. He picks up the wounded Styles and is thrown on Zontal’s shoulders. The crazed look in Zontal’s eyes gets a strong reaction from the crowd. They know someone is about to go HORIZONTAL. Style is lifted up and slammed into a double-armed DDT.

Jerry Lawler: What an incredible show of strength!

The Bridge and Zontal work together to huck the limp body of Too Sexy out of the ring.

Spoiler:

SEAN “TOO SEXY” STYLES IS ELIMINATED

Jim Ross: And then there were three! The Bridge, Johnny Zontal, and Stargazer are going to battle it out for the undisputed LGPWF Heavyweight Championship of the World.

The Bridge and Zontal work together to pummel on Stargazer. The two men twist the ropes around Stargazer’s arms and lock him in. They want to make him pay for his violence. Zontal slides out of the ring to procure an instrument of fancy. The Bridge fancies his fists more than anything else. The thunderous claps of fist on skin deafen the cheers. Zontal returns with a fireplace poker and a garbage can lid. After 1:30 of caneing and garbage can lid mangling, Stargazer slips from his restraints and falls bloodied to the mat. Zontal and The Bridge pick up Stargazer but he wiggles from their grasp and slides from the ring. Zontal begins the chase, but The Bridge throws the dented garbage can lid at Zontal, knocking him to the turnbuckle. The Bridge climbs out of the ring and grabs Stargazer. A chokeslam. A ddt. a neckbreaker. He signals to the crowd for his signature Falling Bridge, an ode to HHH’s pedigree. It was successful. Stargazer’s bloody body is convulsing. Johnny Zontal’s body is charging towards the ropes full speed, dives through the middle rope and lands on The Bridge carrying them both to the floor mere inches from the hellacious cage. Zontal picks up the battered Stargazer, gives him a HORIZONTAL of his own and throws him through the opening in the cage. The Medical staff attend and deem him no longer fit to wrestle.

Spoiler:

STARGAZER IS ELIMINATED

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Both remaining wrestlers are bloody and bruised, but hungrier than ever. They try to reach for weapons but are thwarted by the other. A running tackle by The Bridge carries them both to the mat. Zontal punching the head of The Bridge the whole journey. The Bridge reverses an attempt at an arm bar by Zontal and is able to get Zontal into a sleeper hold. Zontal loses a bit of consciousness and the Bridge has the upper hand. The Bridge picks up the wrestler and throws him into the ring. Zontal pops up and bounces on the far rope and dives towards The Bridge spearing him through the second rope right back onto the floor. They both lay weary.

The crowd is going wild for both men as this has been an incredible display of athleticism. They are both to a knee now. The Bridge throws a desperation punch that lands. The Bridge picks up Zontal and raises him above his head. The scream made by Zontal as his body is cast into the barbed wire is something this crowd wont forget. The Bridge has to literally pull Zontal from the barbed mess and yank him into the ring. Covered in Zontal’s blood, The Bridge desperately picks up the wounded combatant and gives a standing suplex to zontal that carries Zontal over the top rope and onto the arena floor. The Bridge picks up Zontal and tosses him back into the ring and goes for the cover...1...2...3!

The crowd goes insane.

Spoiler:

JOHNNY ZONTAL IS ELIMINATED

Spoiler:

THE BRIDGE IS THE LGPWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!!!!

[As the camera pans out, we see a bloodied mess in the ring, a bloodied mess outside of the ring, and as the camera fades out to complete the event, a bloodied and bandaged Stargazer walking out of the wrestler’s entrance back to ringside, with unfinished business on his face]

Our first Showdown (On June 4th) will be a special one. We will have the title presentation, as well as fallout from the first big event, including a match selection show that will setup our first fight card Showdown that will take place on June 11th, and also a couple of more LGPWF surprises. But for now, thank you and good night!

{Johnny Zontal is sitting alone at a big banquet table at his planned after party for his planned title win. none of his invited guests showed up, understandably. there is a big cake, and balloons, and a chocolate fountain. He looks worse for wear after a brutal fight}

I have a few things to say. first off, i already rented the space, and the decorations. the cake was already paid for, too. I didn't want to let it go to waste, so HERE I AM, at my after party. Ha... you know, it's easy to say something about counting all your eggs before they are in one basket, or putting all your chickens somewhere before they hatch, or something, but none of those improperly quoted cliches mean anything right now. RIGHT NOW I AM SITTING IN A CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AFTER BEING HURT. HURT ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL! {johnny zontal flips the table over, throwing the congratulatory cake all over the ground... He get's right up close to the camera... visably unsettled and twitchy}

Oh, it wasn't only you, Bridge. you may have been the one to beat me, and i give you credit for that. not an easy task. It was also the 10 other hapless fools who fell like the dominoes that they are, and put me so close where i can taste it. And that's really the most painful thing. being that close to the top, and falling. There is no shame in losing to The Bridge. like he says, he is definitely not someone you want to cross. My problem is this... that taste is still in my mouth... that taste for gold... that taste of being on top. It's like an itch that i can't scratch. even after the fact, when i close my eyes, all i can see is The Bridge getting his hand raised... getting MY applause... being handed MY belt...

So here's what I want. I want another shot. no garbage... no weapons... no 10 other idiots blindly groping for the brass ring. Just Johnny Zontal and the champ. and i understand this puts the commissioner in a position... We'll call it the "commissionary position"... and i understand it puts his little man-servant Morky Mork in a similar position. But how do you think it will look if Mr Mork denies the person WHO THREW HIS ASS OVER THE TOP ROPE A REMATCH? But this is what I want... I'm pretty sure It's what The Bridge wants, and i KNOW it's what the fans want. If this can't be granted, fine. who ever you put in the ring with me will get hurt. i will make it my mission to cripple every other wrestler on your roster legally, and within the confines of the match, until no one is left standing but me and The Bridge. If you don't think I can do it, or you think I'm bluffing, just try me. Nothing would make me happier than seeing the world you built burn to ashes around me.

So there it is. You can see it is in everyone's best interests for you to put me at the caboose of your next trainwreck of a show. And one way or another, be it broken bodies, or beaten Bridges, I WILL HAVE THE LAST LAUGH!

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(The setting is the back stage area of the Consol Energy Center. The Bridge is heavily bandaged and still bleeding from the various wounds on his body.)

I am almost speechless. All of the sacrifice, all of the hardwork, all of the despair and disappointment, it has finally paid off. My vision has come true. I AM A CHAMPION!

But I am also a physical wreck. Every part of my body is aching. They say you have to go through hell to get to heaven, and boy were they right. Commish canaan sure didn't make things easy, but I was ready. Two things I've learned over the years were; don't trust management, and be prepared for anything.

Even with the pain I'm in, I'm not gonna lay down. I'm ready to fight again. I'm going to be a fighting champion. I'm ready to give these fans what they want, and that is me bringing steel to the asses of wrestlers in this ring on Monday. I'll take on anyone on or off the roster. And that includes you Johnny Zontal. If you want a fight, I'll be ready to give you a beating that you'll never forget. And I didn't come this far, to just lose the title quickly, because you don't cross The Bridge!

(Camera cuts to the locker room where Sean "Too Sexy" Styles is hobbling on his crutches)

The Bridge. The Bridge. The Bridge is champion. Yes, that does leave a sour taste in my mouth as I am sure it is in yours. But, congratulations Golden Gate, you did it all by yourself. Oh, wait. You didn't. If it wasn't for Johnny f'n Zontal, there is no way you stand there with the gold on your shoulder. I'm not going to stand here and lie to you fans, saying IIIIIII deserve that title because I don't. NOT. YET. I am ready to go right now and I WILL run through anyone or any THING to do so.

There isn't a wrestler in this company that can handle me one on one. I know it. The fans know it. And certainly everybody in this locker room knows it. I am too strong, too agile, and too damn sexy for anyone to beat me. So whatever needs done Commish, I am your man. Let's do it.

(Morkle Munson hobbles into the locker room right after Sean Styles speaks...)

You consider yourself the legit shot at the title? You? Really? You of all people? Who literally did nothing the entire match aside from get in the way of me? I've got security detail that says Zontal and the Bridge worked together. How do you feel about that?

The Firm had that match firmly in hand until the entire remaining roster attacked me to take me out of the ring. Obviously, just by watching the tape you saw who the most feared wrestler was. It might not be today, maybe not even tomorrow, but The Firm will shut down this amateur hour. You better believe it.

(The Firm and Sean Styles get right in the face of each other before the camera fades out...)