On Saturday night Steve, my hot ex boyfriend, (the one with the 56” chest) took me to first a Bikini Bar called The Gold Club in downtown San Jose then to Cheetah’s in Sunnyvale.

But first, a little on seeing my ex again after 10 years.

He pulled up to my house in a HUGE truck and we kissed hello like we’d never kissed goodbye. His lips were exactly as I remembered them – soft and amazing.

He looked the same, except for his hair, which he keeps military grade short.

It was good to see him.

We left for the Bikini Bar not quite sure what to expect inside. And lo and behold I discovered it was on the same block as my law school. All those years I walked past the bar never realizing what was going on inside.

And what was going on inside?

Not much.

A bunch of bored women in bikinis with pasties underneath dancing on a stage with people around drinking overpriced drinks and generally acting bored with the entire scene.

Steve and I both agreed we needed to move on to the next place which was…

Cheetahs in Sunnyvale.

Outside Cheetahs was a gathering of men with their motorcycles. I found myself momentarily intimidated until I remember who I was with – a bad ass, muscular attorney with a knack for making friends. We’d be okay.

It took time to find parking – the parking lot was full – SURPRISED? Not.

Steve paid our cover and we went inside to see a woman totally naked on her knees shaking her tits in front of a seated man.

Was I shocked? Not at all.

I’ve been to a swinger party and NOTHING is as wild and sexual as a swinger party. This was just commercialized nudity.

I was surprised at how eager the men were to see the dancers’ pussies. Indeed, the customers who tipped the most were the one who were greeted with full frontal pussy inches away from their faces.

The dancers were beautiful, with absolutely amazing bodies. In a room full of strippers, I suddenly dropped to a 3 on a 1 to 10 scale of hotness. I was dismayed.

I couldn’t take my eyes off the girls. They were so beautiful and at least half of them had real breasts. Nice touch! I was expecting a field of silicone.

We were approached by a stripper who asked if we wanted a lap dance. She was beautiful, exotic. But still had that bored look in her eyes. That jaded expression.

No thank you. If it’s not for pleasure, if it’s for industry then I’m not into it.

Steve felt the same.

What did I learn from my experience at a strip club?

There is an energy to the room and it can be good or bad. Look for a club with good energy.

Give the naked girls a wide berth to walk around. Getting too close can get you thrown out.

If you’re going to sit in a chair around the “dance” floor, you need to tip regularly.

Girls will approach you and try to separate you from your money faster than you can blink.

You know how they say only 5% of women have bodies like supermodels, well those girls are at strip clubs.

Be prepared to watch the dancers walk around the room in little more than dental floss and thimbles.

There are not very many women patrons in a strip club. I was the only woman there for the first hour.

It takes a lot of confidence to sit next to your ex watching naked dancing girls and not be jealous (I wasn’t).

The girls don’t really dance. They get on the floor and crawl around showing off their tits and pussies.

The girls also don’t look very excited to be doing what they’re doing. Hopefully the money is really good.

Overall, I enjoyed my experience at the clubs. I suspect a lot of that had to do with the guy I was with. Nothing sexier than a smart man with brilliant wit and a bod for sin. Truth be told, I’d have like to see him strip.