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Thursday, November 10, 2011

friendships

I have actually known this for some time, but it's something that I have yet to confront on any one of my blogs in a proper manner. When it comes to friendships - real, beautiful, supportive friendships - I often go through a series of emotions and reactions.

I'll usually feel extremely happy that someone wants to be my friend (as long as I admire and respect them), and feel a little bit amazed that they actually want to get to know me. If the person is amazing (as many of my friends are) I will often become infatuated - smitten in a friend-like manner - with them, and want to spend a lot of time with them. This can be difficult for people to take. I'm very much of the mind that life is short - so if I like someone and really want to thank them for being there for me, I will do so now rather than later (or never). This is very important to me - I see people every day being helped by friends, family, strangers! and they don't even realise that the help they got was invaluable to where they are today. So, you got a new job/interest/love? What about the person that suggested you go for the job when they found it? What about the person who helped you to perfect your resume? What about the person that listened to some music and immediately thought of you - or even put together a CD of stuff for you to listen to? These may all seem like small things - ultimately it will probably be your energies and efforts that will give you the push you need to get somewhere, but that doesn't mean you can't take note and thank the people in your life that gave you the tools to build that ladder.

Anyway, back to my reaction to friendships. One other thing that I tend to go through (without wanting to a lot of the time..) is paranoia and jealousy. The paranoia has been built up from experiences in high school and primary school, and a little past that - friends that weren't there when I needed them to be, that abandoned me for someone more 'interesting' or 'fun'. That reacted in stupid ways to my depression. This is something I'm working on - I really don't want to continue being the person who worries that their friends are just humouring them and will leave at the first sign of something else to do. I'm doing better with this - at recognising why people want to be friends with me in the first place (difficult), but it still needs work.Jealousy is... interesting. Mostly because I tend to feel it more in my friendships and other relationships than within my intimate relationship with Xin. I have just gotten to the point where I trust Xin so totally that I only feel jealous if a girl is really trying to get his attention. Then I just want to hit her XDBut within friendships? For some reason, friends that I adore hanging out with their other friends that they adore? Makes me jealous. Isn't that ridiculous? Well. Maybe not ridiculous, but a bit needless. I think, most of the time, I want them to want to see me as much as I want to see them, which is rare. I get excited about friendships very easily XD I'm not entirely sure how to work on this except to try and back off from the friendship a little bit so I don't have to care as much. I think I need a new tactic.

Anyway. This was mostly just rambling to get my thoughts out so I could look at them, instead of having them float around my head all the time! Hope all is well with those who read <3