Dealing with HypomaniasShlomiFishshlomif@shlomifish.orgShlomi Fish’s Homepage2008Shlomi Fish
This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License (or at your option a greater version of it).
I’ll discuss some of my experience as a person who had
been through clinical depressions, clinical anxieties,
hypomanias (= “below-manias”) and even a few manias,
(and as a result probably has Mania-Depressia or
“Bipolar disorder”) and how I deal with the various periods of
“hypomania”, which I still have occasionally: periods of
strong excitement and feelings of self-grandiosity.
538930 May 2008shlomif
Forked the template from a previous work and working on
it.
Introduction
Have you ever entered a mood where you thought you were a bad person,
that all your past achievements did not count and were bad? Did you
find it difficult to perform many tasks that you could do normally,
found it hard to concentrate, was flooded with bad thoughts, and had
problems going to sleep? If so, you may have been
clinically
depressed, or clinically anxious. In addition, people who
suffer from Mania-Depressia
also known as “Bipolar disorder”
(like me) also tend to get into opposite states called
hypomanias
or Manias. While “hypomania” contains the word “mania”, they
are actually below-mania, and the person is still in control to some
extent, and, with some awareness, may realise they are in a bad mental
condition.
Clinical depressions are not everyday “I am depressed.”
or “being down” depressions, but rather a feeling that one is bad, and
being consumed with guilt, with a tendency of being less communicative
and less able to perform one’s responsibilities.
I probably have Mania-Depressia
(or “Bipolar disorder”) because I had a
single “Great Mania” and a few shorter manias, because I have frequent
Hypomanias, and because I had some periods of clinical depressions
and clinical anxieties. So I’m writing about this from
experience.
One should note that one swallow does not make a spring. Some people
had a few clinical depressions at certain points, and have since
led happy, normal lives. An example for this are
Postpartum
depressions which happen to some women after giving birth
to a child, but there are other cases.
SymptomsSymptoms of Depression
Quoting from the
Wikipedia, the symptoms of depression are:

Persistent sad, anxious or “empty” mood
Loss of appetite and/or weight loss or conversely overeating and weight gain
Insomnia, early morning awakening, or oversleeping
Restlessness or irritability
Psychomotor agitation or psychomotor retardation
Feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt, helplessness
Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
Difficulty thinking, concentrating, remembering or making decisions
Thoughts of [[death]] or suicide or attempts at suicide
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed
Withdrawal from social situations, family and friends
Decreased energy, fatigue, feeling “slowed down” or sluggish
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive problems, and chronic pain
Decrease/Feeling in motor-speed (time seems to slow down)

These are mostly the external symptoms. While the exact thoughts
vary from person to person, here is how I felt:
I felt I was bad and evil. That I was a bad person, having
a bad influence on the world, and that “God hated me”.
I felt this was my true state, and that my happy, capable,
intelligent and active state was due to “a pact with the
devil” or something along these lines.
I found that the thoughts haunted me, that I couldn’t
really sleep, and was afraid of thinking.
I believed the entire world was bad and kept perceiving
everything as bad.
I had trouble communicating with others, and was afraid to
tell them how I felt.
I found it harder to do things that I normally find easy to
do. For example, I spent hours on end solving a single math
problem. I kept convincing myself that it should be easy
which made me feel much worse.
I was consumed and overwhelmed with guilt. I felt guilty for
many things that I perceived as wrong.
Symptoms of Hypomanias
In regard to hypomanias, Wikipedia gives the following symptoms:

Pressured speech; rapid talking
Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity;
Decreased need for sleep;
Flight of ideas or the subjective experience that
thoughts are racing;
Easy distractibility and attention-deficit
(superficially similar to attention deficit
hyperactivity disorder);
Increase in psychomotor agitation; and
Steep involvement in pleasurable activities that may
have a high potential for negative psycho-social or
physical consequences.

It’s a pretty good description of me when I’m hypomanic.
People I Know who Suffer from Depressions
Many people (mostly computer developers) I’ve talked with admitted to
have been clinically depressed:
One of my best friends has admitted that she used to have many
depressions. Whenever I met her in real life, or talked with
her (on the phone, on instant messaging, etc) she seemed very
cheerful, fun loving, intelligent, and rational.
She claimed that when she is depressed she tends not to
communicate a lot and also cannot achieve too much at work,
which she said only makes her feel worse. I can relate to both
of these, as I recall that that was the case for me on both
accounts when I was depressed.
I talked with a programmer, well into his 50’s (and still
active) who admitted to having got into depressions several
times in the past. He again seemed normal (if somewhat
eccentric to me).
One time on irc.oftc.net someone joined and started speaking
in
l33t-speak,
asking how he can become a “haxor”. People thought he
was a troll, but I ended up PMing him and it turned out he was
depressed. I spent the afternoon trying to help him.
Eventually, during his (and mine) evening, he claimed that
he was feeling better and parted. (It is known that often
depressed individuals feel better in the evening and at night.)
A fellow programmer I talked with admitted to having got into
depressions in the past, and that she tried to function
despite that.
A fellow Perl monger I talked with said that he sometimes
exhibited some of the symptoms of hypomania. He seemed
very hyperactive to me, so I wasn’t really surprised, but it
may also be plain excitement and not a medical condition.
A
list of some famous people who had Mania-Depressia can be
found at
http://www.mental-health-today.com/bp/famous_people.htm.
Bipolar disorder is relatively uncommon and many more people are
only “Unipolar” and only have depressions and anxieties. Depressions
and anxieties are considered the “common cold” of mental illnesses,
and are exhibited in a large percentage of the populace.
Someone told me that he read a study that said that roughly 50% of the
authors in the English language today have Mania-Depressia. I haven’t been
able to find it online and would appreciate any references.
Dealing with Clinical Depressions
There is a lot of misinformation and dis-information about depressions in
the public. When I was depressed and hypomanic as a teenager I didn’t know
how to call these “conditions”, or how to effectively deal with them. If,
after reading the description on the Wikipedia, you feel that you have been
depressed in the past, read on.
The best advice I can give on dealing with clinical depressions (and possibly
also as a preventative measure or just to understand what people think) is
to buy the
excellent book Feeling Good.
It is a self-help guide for cognitive-behavioural therapy, that was
originally written in English and was recommended to me by my therapist.
Just reading it helped me understand the source of my hypomanias, and I found
the exercises recommended there to be helpful as well.
One important omission from an earlier draft of this essay was that I did not
summarise the Feeling Good book here, while I should have tried to in order
to give a taste of the book here (because I know I always hate “go read X at
some place because I don’t have the nerve to explain it to you.”). So I am going
to summarise Feeling Good here.
Note that if you are depressed, (and if you’re feeling suicidal even more so),
you need to consult a cognitive-behavioural therapist for a session, as
soon as possible. I am not a mental health professional and am not qualified
to give professional therapy, and this essay is not a substitute for it.
Summary of Feeling Good
Burns starts by giving a way to diagnose your mood and determine if you are
depressed or not. I didn’t focus on it because I normally can eventually tell
when I’m hypomanic (or could when I was depressed). He then goes on to explain
that your feelings are affected by the thoughts that go through your head,
and that by challenging your irrational thoughts, you can improve your
mood.
He then lists 10 cognitive errors that people make which may make people
depressed. Among these errors are:
Should statements - you try to motivate
yourself by saying things like “I should be more careful”, or
“I should not have talked to him like that.” or
“I ought to be more considerate”. What these
should statements do is actually demotivate, and make you feel down.
Disqualifying the positive - an example for
this is that when you receive a compliment, you say something like
“they didn’t mean it.”, or “it doesn’t count.”, or “he doesn’t know the real me.”
Mental filter - here you focus on one negative
detail (a “fly in the ointment”), while ignoring the rest of the picture.
All or nothing thinking - you want everything
to be perfect. For example, you’ll accept no grade below 90% or so (even if
it’s a passing grade), or so.
Dr. Burns then gives a simple recipe to gain self-esteem: one writes down an
automatic thought that disturbs him (or her), and then the feelings that
he feels (with percentages). Afterwards, he should write which cognitive
errors he has made followed by a rational response to the feelings, and after
that the new feelings.
Burns then discusses several useful techniques for anger management, and for
dealing with criticism.
Approval Addiction. - you
want to be approved by other people and fear disapproval for
them.
Productivity Addiction - you care about your
work, how productive you are, how much you achieve, etc. (Much more common
among men.)
Love addiction - you want to be loved
a lot. More common among women.
Perfectionism - you want to be perfect
in everything you do.
The book Feeling Good focuses on depressions and not on hypomanias.
As the psychologist I’ve been seeing noted, a hypomanic person should
perform cognitive exercises on his grandiose thoughts that are
running in his or her head when they are hypomanic.
A Few Facts that Should Be RealisedMentally Ill is not Eccentric
When people say that someone is “crazy”, “insane”,
“out of his mind” etc. they usually mean that he or she is eccentric or
behaving irrationally, not that they are mentally unsound. I know
and have heard about many people who are eccentric or very
eccentric and yet are perfectly sane, and lead perfectly happy
lives.
There’s a difference between conformism or “being normal” and
mental health.
Some Bad Moods are OK
Some bad moods are normal and are a healthy part of living and
would not lead to depression. For example, if someone you cared
about died, it’s perfectly OK to feel sad. Rational fear is also
normal and healthy. My point is that one cannot or should not be
fully happy all the time. Sometimes it is also OK to be a little
“down”.
Drugs are not the most Effective
Way to Treat Depressions
Depressions have a cause. According to
Feeling
Good, it is
usually a thought or a group of thoughts that is bothering someone,
and caused someone to feel depressed. These thoughts are normally
triggered by something difficult or intimidating, but it is not
necessary that something like that will make one depressed - one
can often cope with it without being depressed.
In any case, Psychoactive medication attempts to deal with the
symptom that is a chemical problem in the functioning of the
brain. However, it does not deal with the actual cause that is
the mental problem.
In order to deal with the cause instead of the symptom, you still
need Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy and to read
Feeling
Good.
That put aside I should note that I am taking medication,
prescribed to me by a Psychiatrist. It does not prevent me from
becoming hypomanic, but it may make the hypomanias less severe
(I’m not entirely sure about that).
Clinical Depressions are neither Desirable nor
Inevitable and Can be Overcome
Some unipolar individuals I talked with, who seemed to have been
somewhat
relativists
argued that being clinically depressed or hypomanic, was perfectly
OK and that it was just a natural state, and that it was just
“society” or the “environment” that didn’t like it. All of this
is non-sense, because I clearly recall feeling miserable when
being depressed or clinically anxious and after gaining some
awareness, was able to tell that my hypomanias were not desirable
either. It’s not a belief that people have conditioned me to
believe - it’s one that I developed myself.
I can rant much more about Post-modernist relativism, that
some of proponents of it claimed people with disabilities such as
deafness or blindness, who can be treated to some extent,
should not be, because deafness or blindness were just different
ways of perception, and not actual disabilities. But the point
is that while you may experience depression or hypomania, it is
neither desirable nor inevitable, and that you can overcome it.
During my normal state, I had, like other people, experienced many
positive and negative emotions: joy, anger, frustration, fear,
boredom, a feeling of disorientation, love, exhilaration,
attraction, disappointment, hatred, remorse, sadness, etc. This is
perfectly normal and these emotions have a purpose, and I was
otherwise happy when I experienced them. But they are more natural
than depression, which is much longer, and is mentally and
physically unhealthy.
One should note that emotions and feelings should not be
our master. Often they can be misleading and irrational.
For example, if my friend failed a test that I did well
on, I may feel smugness or superiority, but this feeling
is probably not rational or will make me happy in the
long run.
Feelings should not be
repressed,
in the sense that we deny that we feel this way. But we
sometimes can acknowledge that we feel like it, and behave
in a different way. A person is allowed to
feel anything
including a desire for mayhem and murder. Only behaving
based on these emotions in either words or deeds may be
bad.
While we can enjoy a rational happy emotion, and
try to behave on a rational bad emotion, we sometimes
need to take actions that will make us feel bad.
For example, validly criticising a friend in private,
or admitting you’ve done something wrong.
That put aside, you shouldn’t feel bad about being depressed when
you do. It’s perfectly OK to feel it, and being consumed with
guilt about being depressed will only make it worse. You should
accept the fact that you’re feeling bad or being under-productive
and realise that this feeling will pass.
Computer Developers and Anxieties
Computer Developers are probably more likely to become anxious than people
of most other professions. With the irrational working hours (see
Evan Robinson’s
“Crunch Mode” article ), tight schedules,
tactless or unfriendly co-workers, bad software management practises,
bad code and lack of craftsmanship, irrational management that
demands the impossible, too few vacations, and other factors - it is
probable that they will feel trapped, resentful, unhappy, and as a likely
result, anxious or depressed.
As a software manager, it is your job to keep your software
developers happy. This means doing the exact opposite of the
above-mentioned points. Refer to an essay
which I started writing titled “The Perfect IT Workplace”
for more information on how to do that.
As opposed to common belief, treating your software developers with
superb conditions, will make them much more productive, not less. So
make sure you read my article above (and the links pointed to from it),
and integrate its recommendations into your workplace.
Naturally, this is more difficult to do if you’re a regular programmer
who isn’t in management. However, you can still refer your boss to
what I wrote if you feel he’s reasonable enough. If not, it may be a
good idea to quit or even to relocate to somewhere with more job
opportunities. Some jobs are worse than being unemployed.
Obviously, from reading Feeling Good, it is evident that
depressions, anxieties and hypomanias are not limited to programmers,
and actually predate programming by a long time. Many retired people
also find themselves the sudden victims of these mental ailments.
However, I feel that due to the bad state-of-the-art of software
management in the world today, it is especially common there, than in
most other jobs.
Some Advice from My Experience
Like I said earlier, I still haven’t fully recovered from my
psycho-medical condition and am still getting into hypomanias.
However, here is some advice I can give from my experience:
Do Cognitive Exercises
This is probably the single best advice one can give. Read
Feeling
Good and do the exercises given there. They have
proved very helpful to me.
Physical Exercise
Exercising and especially doing aerobic exercise (jogging,
biking, dancing, swimming, etc.) is very useful
for preventing or lessening anxieties.
My therapist recommended that in order to sleep well
during days in which I’m hypomanic, I should exercise during
the late afternoon and evening.
Diet
I don’t consume alcoholic beverages, don’t consume caffeine,
have never smoked, and have never consumed any of the currently
illegal drugs, such as marijuana. While it does not prevent
hypomanias, I find that it makes me less moody, more energetic
throughout the day, and allows me to sleep better at nights. (I had
also tried to refrain from eating sugary foods, but I couldn’t
persist in it very well.)
I also take multi-vitamin pills, and some people take many more
individual minerals than I do, and while I’m not sure it helps
with anxieties, it’s very good for health and longevity.
Relaxation
I also find that relaxing or doing things you love to do is
helpful for keeping a good self-esteem. It’s especially important
during anxieties. Listening to music, sitting, thinking and doing
nothing, taking a time for leisure at the computer, are useful for
relief from troubling thought.
Try to Perform Your Priorities
That put aside, I should note that working on what you have to
do, will make you feel better, and is better than just
procrastinating, and will also displace a large burden from
your heart, that keeps you nervous.
Write Down Your Thoughts
When I’m hypomanic, I’m getting lots of good ideas: for stories,
for essays, random useful thoughts, etc. While a lot of them had
seemed silly in the past, some of them proved to be very useful and
rational.
I even ended up finding many really crazy delusions I had
during my “great mania” as useful inspiration for the
following stories:
Humanity
Star Trek: We, the Living Dead
And, naturally, my hypomanias have been catalysts for most
of my
other stories.
It would be a good idea to write the ideas down, or even work on
realising the essays or articles, because it makes one less excited
and calmer. I would be a good idea not to publicise them in public
until you’re well out of a hypomania, because they may prove to be
immature or silly in the short-run.
I personally may have sometimes been rejected from jobs because
of the many things I’ve written and placed online, and which are
easily accessible using a Google Search. I don’t mind that because
I feel that expressing and publicising my creativity is more
important than making myself a better job candidate to some
“attractive” jobs. And some employers seemed to be very impressed
by some of what I wrote online, or at least did not mind that, and
these seem like jobs I prefer.
It is naturally a good idea to receive as much commentary as
possible about one’s articles or writings in private before
publicising them for all the Internet to see.
Be Honest
It is a good idea to admit that you’re “stressed” - anxious, etc. My therapist
said that the word “hypomania” is intimidating because it contains the word
“mania”, so one should rephrase it in case the other party is not that
knowledgeable about Psychology. Sometimes you may find some of your
friends or family (but not all) good candidates for consulting with your
thoughts or feelings. I once spent an hour or so on an IRC (= Internet
Relay Chat) conversation listening to a 19-years-old whom I knew, talking
about her problems. I also consulted people on IRC or IM about my own issues
and often found creative solutions or empathy.
This is doubly correct for talking with my family members.
Maintain a Low Online Profile
During a hypomania, it is a good idea to maintain a low online
profile. Namely, don’t post too much to mailing lists or other
forums, don’t chat on the IRC too much (and try to focus on
technical problems or your psychological situation), and in general
try to maintain a low-profile.
However, I feel that real-life meetings with people and talking
to them face to face is actually very good for one’s well-being
during a hypomania.
So if you can get a friend or a few to meet with you in a café ,
or go to a club meeting, it will be a good idea.
Philosophy
It is my impression that often the philosophies and idea systems
that we are generally exposed to (e.g: most western religions),
are very harmful for one’s self-esteem and prevent one from
properly getting out of depressions.
An example for this is what the New Testament says in the Sermon
of the Mount: But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh
on a woman to lust after her, hath committed adultery with her
already in his heart.. As I explained before, people
have no control over their immediate emotions and should
not feel guilty for possessing ones that they may consider
bad. While most Christians I’ve talked to about that, did not
think that what that means is that lust was as morally condemnable
as rape is, this has been traditionally interpreted as such,
and is how I interpret the meaning of the this verse.
And naturally, this is just a small example.
Therefore, I suggest you instead study and adopt a more benevolent
psychological philosophy, which will help give you enough tools
to live your life more happily and to deal with clinical
conditions as they arise. My personal favourite is
Neo-Tech,
which is an extension and re-organisation of
Ayn
Rand’s Objectivism, with many vital corrections.
However, I do not rule out the premise that different personal
philosophies will be better for different people.
Get some Relief for Your Condition
It’s possible that if you’re a university student or a
grunt employee, then you can get some relief for your
psycho-medical condition. So try to see if it is possible, and if
so - do that.
The Curse and the Blessing
In the
Star Trek: The Next Generation episode “Tapestry”,
Captain Picard dies and then is
given a choice to revert an incident in his past that has caused him
an injure which would have eventually caused his death. After he does
that, he discovers that he is no longer Captain and that he have
lacked the self-motivation that was needed in order to become the
hero that he used to be. As a result, he says that “I would rather
die as the man I was, than live the life I just saw.”
Or consider Helen
Keller, who was born deaf-blind. If she had been born
normal, she would most likely have led a happy life. On the other
hand, without her disability, she might not had become the superwoman
that she did, because there would have been nothing to motivate her.
Would I rather lead a normal life? Yes, I would. But, on the other
hand, I recognise that getting into hypomanias is part of who I am,
and probably the price I have to pay for being so creative. While I
would like to reduce its effect, I thank God (so to speak) for
allowing me to be able to write so many articles and essays, compose
so many stories, and being a capable programmer.
So I guess the curse and the blessing are part of what makes me who
I am.
Nevertheless, as I noted earlier, it is probably possible to combat
the harmful effects of Bipolarity or Unipolarity as much as possible
using Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy and other means, and I intend
to work on that. It is my hope that you are now wiser on how to
better deal with such harmful psychological moods, in case
you have been suffering from them.
Feel good!
Document InformationAbout the Author
My name is Shlomi Fish and I am an Israeli software developer, essayist
and writer. I am a user, developer and advocate of
free and open-source software (FOSS), free and open content (
Creative Commons,
the various Wikimedia
projects, etc.) and freedom, rationality and openness in general.
I have been suffering from depressions and hypomanias since I was 14,
and they proved to affect my professional life, academic life
and Internet life, for better or for worse.
You can learn more about me by visiting
my homepage.
Copyright
This work is licensed under the
Creative
Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License or,
at your option, any later version. Year of copyright is 2009.
Thanks
Thanks should go to
Moutaz
(cefarix), Drew Dexter and
Jacinta
Richardson
for going over early drafts of this essay and giving some comments
and corrections. I’d also like to thank my therapist (whom I won’t mention
by name) for his constant good advice and analysis and for recommending
that I read the book Feeling Good.