From the mouths of babes

For those of you who’ve yet to go climbing with Kristabel Doebel-Hickock, all I can say is…don’t. Unless, of course, you want to have your ego smushed into a gooey paste and force-fed down your throat. Kristabel represented her Big Orange team with a successful foray at the Bakersfieldstate road championships a/k/a district road race, picking up her first jersey in her first try with the Cat 3/4 women, and then getting 7th in the 1/2/3 group the following day. If she’d been a better descender she would have won. That day is not far off.

Kristabel kindly sent me a race report, which I’ve chopped up and then translated for you.

KDH: “Objective: learn from the top ladies, see what goes down in a Cat 1/2/3 race and what I need to work on, stay upright, have fun.”Translation: Tink is gonna rip the legs off these bitches, enjoy it, and make it the most miserable fucking day of their lives.

KDH: “Looking at the start list and knowing very few of the riders, it seemed like there were at least 7 ladies that would be really strong and in any lead pack. So, I figured if the race split up, I wanted to attempt to go with the lead group…I was here to watch, play, and learn.”Translation: Have you ever seen seasoned killer whales hunt sea lion pups? That’s what Tink means by ‘watch, play, and learn.’

KDH: “[After yesterday’s hard race]…I decided goal #1 was to stay upright and this meant my main plan was to sit in and take the descents slow and steady.”Translation: Bitches don’t get rid of Tink on the descent she’s going to make them wish they’d never been born.

KDH: “[Lap One] I too am dropped. After the short descent, we both fight to get back on and happily rejoin the pack. [At the turnaround] the girls form a single file line. What???? What is this single file business about? …and they attack. Crap. So I fight to get back on and on the next little climb we are again one happy group.”Translation: Bitches are working might and main to shell Tink from the group because they’re scared out of their minds. They dump her on the descent but she just mashes the pedals a bit harder and, easy as falling off a log, she’s back on. Bitches are pissed. ‘How we’re gonna dump that skinny little bitch?’ they’re wondering.

KDH: “And then more descending, more getting dropped, more climbing, and more catching back on…and so goes Lap One. Oh, the puncher climb at the end of Lap One sucked because they attacked coming out of it and again after the u-turn…and I slowed a lot to get my bottles and to make the turn. ”Translation: Bitches so desperate they’re drilling Tink at every opportunity. Every time she gets dropped she just mashes the pedals and gets back on, easy as spitting. Know how fucking hard that is? I do. Bitches know she’s sketchy on the turnaround because she does that dorky thing where she unclips, so they drill her there, too. NBD. She just reloads with water and a 12-calorie snack to get her through the next 25 miles and 3k feet of climbing and hops back on, after all, it’s only a quarter-mile gap to close going into a 30-mph headwind.

KDH: “Eventually about five girls start a rotating paceline [and] for some reason that I still can’t come up with [I] decide to take part in while the whole rest of the field sits on the back of us…they yell at me to take steady pulls…[then] I heard someone in the pack sitting on us say ‘Just sit on them.’ I thought they were using us…can’t really remember what she said, but I think she was encouraging me to keep pulling.”Translation: Even after getting dropped and chasing on repeatedly for 25 miles she’s frisky as shit. Bitches try to crack her in a rotation, so she just matches pulls until their eyes start to bug out of their heads. They change their tune pretty fucking quick, as she’s busting through hard enough to put them on the rivet and keep ‘em stuck there with superglue. Bitches start whining that ‘steady pull’ bullshit like the sausages who Tink regularly works over on PCH. Bitches throw in the towel and start sucking wheel.

KDH: “Anyways, we get to the main climb and I am at the front…I think I am being nice going up front, but she kindly tells me to ease up on the pace…so I do, don’t feel like pissing off any of these girls who I am still certain could crush me at any moment.”Translation: Tink’s pulling so fucking hard, bitches’ sports bras are coming off. Bitches start begging for mercy, so she eases off. For now.

KDH: “We all climb together and catch the two that had taken off earlier in the lap. Descent, this is never good…dropped, climb and get back on, more riders falling off and fewer joining back on…corkscrew descent headed back I get dropped really bad from what is now a group of nine and I don’t want to take any risks on the turns so the gap gets really big…It takes a long time to catch them, and I am into a strong headwind, and I am dehydrated, and my legs hurt…I catch them totally exhausted, get semi-dropped again on a little descent and catch back on to climb with them up to the second feedzone.”Translation: Tink just rode the equivalent of this race twice. Bitches doing everything they can to dump her. She’s descending like a fred at 12mph with one foot down in the turns and still able to reel them back in. But she’s finally a little tired. Only nine bitches left and they all have that rat-with-its-head-in-the-trap look.

KDH: “I am at the back of the pack, know I need more water, know they like to attack coming out of the feed zone, and my dad is at the end of the zone, so when I see a Cynergy guy with an extra water bottle I am like ‘Water!’ and grab it…Thanks Cynergy dude!”Translation: You know how you had twelve blueberry pancakes, three eggs, a pound of bacon, and grits for breakfast? Tink did this whole fucking race on two water bottles and a diet Gu.

KDH: “[I] and a couple others get gapped as the pack takes off….crap…I go, and [when we catch back on] we are again one group of eight (one rider got a solo breakaway on a little climb and held it to the end)…we start a rotating paceline and I actually am feeling pretty good and taking my full pulls…I end up 6th out of our group of eight and 7th overall, totally honored to be in with those ladies…So much to learn, so happy.”Translation: Bitches did everything they could working together to beat her and they did beat her because she can’t descend and because she tired her ass out from chasing back on a zillion times, which meant she let the one bitch get away for the win, and then it came down to a fucking sprunt and she’s totally lame at that, but, bitches all looked like they’d just come off a vacation holiday from the Bataan Death March and it was Tink’s second race in two days and next time she finishes this fucking race, when she crosses the line there won’t be anyone else in the photograph, I can guaranfuckingtee you that.

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Small clarification to an otherwise completely accurate translation: Tink won the Cat 3/4 RR the prior day as a Cat 3. The Cat 4 contestants were lucky to survive the day. And yes, she upgraded a few weeks ago after only three races in the 4s. So much more pain and whoa to be dished out by this girl…