Ride Into The Dipshit Zone

Posted by Greg on October 3rd, 2012

I heard a Kenny Loggins song today because the radio station that plays in the common areas at my office is run by fucking sadists. Seriously, they play absolute shit even though research has shown a direct correlation between the number of times Fox On The Run plays and the number of people who show up at local emergency rooms with hot pokers jammed in their ears.

I’ve always felt that Kenny Loggins was a lightweight. I mean, Robert Plant sings about nailing groupies, Mick Jagger pretends he’s Satan, and the Who blew up their drums on stage. Meanwhile, Kenny Loggins complains that “Your momma don’t dance and your daddy don’t rock and roll!”. That’s like showing up at a coke party and sniffing a Sharpie over in the corner. No matter what Kenny Loggins does, it always comes across as lame, doesn’t it? Ooh, unless you want to ride into the danger zone! That sounds fuckin’ rad!

Anyway, this is the song I was forced to listen to: Whenever I Call You Friend, which is a duet with Stevie Nicks:

I’d actually forgotten about this song, which means that now I have to hunt down the DJ who played it and kill his family in front of him. I fucking hate this song, especially the chorus which is absolutely impossible to decipher without looking up the lyrics. “We go mowin’ lawns every night.” What the fuck does that mean? Do Kenny Loggins and Stevie Nicks have a landscaping business I’m unaware of? For the record, here is the chorus:

Sweet love showin’ us a heavenly light
Never seen such a beautiful sight
See love glowin’ on us every night
I know forever we’ll be doin’ it

Uh, yeah. Someone probably needed to sit Kenny down and teach him how to adult-size his lyrics because that sounds like a goddamn fourth grader wrote it. And this is why even Hall & Oates look down on Kenny Loggins. Even at their worst, Hall & Oates knew how to get down with some strange. Kenny Loggins would probably throw rocks at it.

It’s kind of funny that he was able to land Stevie Nicks to sing this with him. You get the feeling that it might have been done out of pity.

Christine McVie: Stevie, was that Kenny Loggins on the phone?

Stevie Nicks: Yeah, he wants me to sing a duet with him. Look, he sent over the sheet music.

Christine McVie: He knows how to write sheet music?

Stevie Nicks: Apparently. Check out the lyrics.

Christine McVie: … “See love glowin’ on us every night?” What the fuck does that mean? Has he been huffing glue?

Stevie Nicks: I don’t know, I think it’s kind of sweet. He’s been riding his bike in circles in front of my house, you know.

Christine McVie: You’re not going to actually record this piece of shit, are you?

Stevie Nicks: I think I might! He’d be so excited. It’d be like that time I let a crippled kid take me to prom.

Grace Slick: I asked Kenny if he wanted to eat me out once, and he told me that “women have teeth down there”.

Grace Slick now. If she has teeth down there, they’re likely to be dentures.

Actually, Stevie Nicks did a lot of duets in the 70’s, including hits with both Don Henley and Tom Petty. Maybe Kenny was just trying to fit in.

Kenny Loggins: Guys! Guys! Hey, wait up!

Don Henley: What is it, Kenny? We’ve got things to do.

Kenny Loggins: I got Stevie Nicks to agree to do a duet with me! You know, just like you guys!

Tom Petty: So, what, this is like that time she let a crippled kid take her to prom?

Kenny Loggins: Ha ha, you guys are hilarious! No, I wrote this really groovy song. Here, I cut a demo with my mom and transferred it to 8-track. Listen.

“Stevie’s the one with the deep voice. Well, not that deep, but… Ok, her voice is raspy… Wait… Stevie is the one that blew Mick Fleetwood. I don’t know how you can tell who that is in the song, but that’s her!”

and finally, don’t you think Stevie nicks would have been much thinner if she were doing cocaine? Personally, I think that McVie and the skinny member of Heart was holding back on Gracie, Stevie and fatty Wilson (not the one of wilson phillips fame).

ok I think I am done, its just that this was a faulking hilarious post….

Stevie Nicks was on assloads of cocaine in the 70’s. She wore out the cartilage in her nose because of it. So I don’t know how she didn’t dwindle to Karen Carpenter-esque weight levels. Maybe she also had a cheeseburger habit we didn’t know about.

I once roadied for Kenny Loggins. Sort of. Anyway, I helped set up his shit when he played at my college in exchange for $30, plus all the sandwiches and beer I could consume, and the opportunity to watch the big show for free. I tried, I really did. But I couldn’t make it through one song. And it was hard to resist the urge to smash all his guitars when we loaded out.