A little Secret

The Secret Service had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman. For the final test, the agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair"

Re: A little Secret

I hear the Samaritans are outsourcing their call centres to Al Quaeda.Not sure if it's the best way to go. Imagine the response the first time someone calls up and tells them they feel suicidal. Next they'll be asked if they can fly a plane!B.

Re: A little Secret

These were very funny ...made my miserable day better. I drove 20 miles to big city, went to cash dispenser and 3 times enetered wrong pin, so machine swallowed the card and blocked me.I came home furious with myself and had to go begging to bank to sort out pin. I had been entering my phone area code number how stupid was that.

Anyway ma 2 wee contributions.

A lady near me had taken in a french student who was studying english. I had not seen him for several weeks so one day i asked her what happened to jaques. She said he was rude and i asked him to leave. I asked jaques one evening what was he lloking for in life and he said a penis. that was rude so i kicked him out.OH but uv got that wrong I told her he was just trying to say happiness.

2. At the golf course two friends were about to tee off when a funeral procession and cars passed by. David took off his cap, bowed and closed his eyes in prayer.Gee his friend said i never knew how respectful you were. that was nice.Ah said bertie it was my wife in there.

Re: A little Secret

Two bankers meet for lunch. One asks his colleague:'You know, I'm losing a lot of sleep over this crisis. How about you? Did you sleep last night?''Like a baby!''?!!!''Cried all night and soiled myself twice.'

The U.S. healthcare system failed to overcome obesity. Now the U.S. economy is taking over the task.

A client, addressing an investment consultant:'I want to start a small business. What shall I do?''Buy a big business and wait.'

"What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds', I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's!!!"

Re: A little Secret

A teenage boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired ofhis father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut.'The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

Re: A little Secret

deep trouble... HUMOURWe are in DEEP trouble...The population of this country is approximately 60 million. 32 million are retired.That leaves 28 million to do the work.There are 17 million in school or at Universities.Which leaves 11 million to do the work.Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.Leaving 3 million to do the work.1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killingOsama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan, etc .Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local CountyCouncils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claimingInvalidity Benefit.Leaving 512,000 to do the work.Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.That leaves just two people to do the work.You and me.And there you are,Sitting on your buttAt your computer, reading jokes.Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed outthrough trying to cope on my own?

Re: A little Secret

I would agree Pierre.But I merely copied them out of a document on my PC - having received themin those (dare I say: `nuisance` emails) that friends always seem to want topass on to everybody else. So I didnt bother changing the grammer.Well I did change one word (no points for guessing which one)