Liz: And you’re changing the subject. A woman MAKES a human being. That’s a miracle.

me: We also make poop and snot and up to 4 pints of saliva a day. It’s not all cookie-cutter babies, Liz. We’re not easy-bake ovens, for God’s sakes.

Liz: And that’s another thing. You could be a little nicer to God.

me: God supposedly made me this way so I’m fairly certain he’s not surprised. I don’t blame him when shit goes wrong and he doesn’t punish me for making jokes that he’s probably forwarding in heaven. If they have forwarded emails in heaven. Which I hope they don’t.

Liz: You’re not supposed to blame God for anything. If bad things happen it’s probably because he’s testing you. “God sometimes takes us into troubled waters not to drown us, but to cleanse us.”

me: Yeah, but sometimes he drowns us. That “sometimes” is a pretty fucking big loophole.

Liz: GOD DOESN’T DROWN PEOPLE.

me: Well someone’s drowning them, Liz. It’s not like people float. Except for Jesus, apparently. Jesus he gave special, invisible water-wings. And I’m pretty sure that’s called “nepotism.”

Liz: I’m going to hell just for having this conversation.

me: No. You are doing God’s work. And He would be proud.

Liz: THANK YOU.

me: …because he’s probably very busy drowning people right now and he needs you to cover for him while he’s busy.

me: Nah. You ‘re at least getting a C. You are very patient and understanding and a good example of what a Christian should be like. Good work. Love, Satan.

Liz: Satan?

me: Just kidding. It’s me. I was testing you again and you passed. I’m like God, but I grade you on a bell curve. And I don’t drown people. Usually. I guess it depends on who they are.

Liz: You wouldn’t drown anyone. And God doesn’t either.

me: I’d drown Hitler. I’m pretty sure I’d get a pass on that one. Even God would be like “High-five, peaches.”

Liz: Peaches?

me: In my mind, God calls me “Peaches.” He also just looks like a big ball of light in my mind and so it’s weird that he’d offer me a high-five since he doesn’t have any hands. Way to leave me hanging, God.

In my mind God is those rays of light that you see when driving down the freeway and it’s either about to rain or it just stopped. So God couldn’t high five me either. But I’d high five you. Thwack. Virtual high five.

Don’t worry, Jenny. If I get to hell before you, I’ll save you a good seat!
Seriously, I’m a militant agnostic (I don’t know and neither do you) but I’m banking on the idea that any God worth worshiping isn’t a petty asshole like a lot of people seem to think. I mean, I’m sure he’s got a sense of humor; look at this tumblr for example. http://wtfevolution.tumblr.com/

Okay maybe God laughs at your jokes and forwards them but I’m pretty sure he gasps in horror when we, um, practice self-abuse, if you know what I mean. I can see Him standing there, looking down at us, hands on hips, saying “why do you people keep DOING that? It’s not a toy you know. God!” (Or in this case, “Me!”)

Hilarious! I think God can totally high-five us. At least my God can…but I’m not sure he’s like other people’s God’s because He’s not really into drowning people. Though he is into watching them drown occasionally and saying, “Them’s the breaks, Hitler. Way to hold him under, Peaches.”

I am going to spend at least half of my productive writing time this morning thinking of the nickname I want God(s) to call me in my hypothetical deity conversations . . . My first thought was Pumpkin, but I can do better . . . and Lord knows (?!), I will grab at any excuse to do something other than writing.

A miracle is an effect or extraordinary event that surpasses all known human or natural powers. Considering that there are approximately 370,000 babies born every single day, babies are the least miraculous things ever.

Um…God lets people drown. Of course he’s only liable if he had a duty to rescue. Does god have a duty to save people who are drowning? This just got tricky. I may have to write a law review article about this now…

Bahahahaha. Awesome. I have had similar conversations in the past. One, with my brother (who is way more religious than I ever plan to be), included a discussion about Jesus riding a donkey while wearing a tube top. Pretty sure he prays for me a lot. Or maybe he’s given up. Either way.

I think Jesus would totally rock a tube top, by the way. At least I am complimentary in my sacrilege.

Babies are like little glazed donuts covered in snot, and dog hair (if they are in my house, which they aren’t, since I am a non breeder). I do agree with Liz, God doesn’t drown people. And you are right, God isnt surprised, he made you and I am sure he loves you even more than we do .. that’s alot!

I am sort of wishing I had an easy bake oven womb now. I could just mix this, that, the other and DING baby is done! Cooked by the light bulb of my liver. Although they don’t use light bulbs now these days, I guess. Sad.

I was seriously thinking *just* this morning that it’s been a long time since you’ve posted anything really offensive. Like, I don’t remember the last time you talked about Jesus’s ballsack! Or vagimints, even. Or, maybe my perception of *offensive* is skewed. Probably that last thing.

God did give Jesus miraculous water wings, but he also let him get nailed to a cross. Pretty big tradeoff there. If I were Jesus, I probably would have checked to see what my other choices were before accepting said water wings. Just a thought…

I fail horribly at religon talk so I keep my mouth shut and just nod. I offend less people that way.

On another note, I let my cousin read my copy of your book and he’s loving it. He’s gay. We live in south Texas. He called me to tell me he owns a gun armoire. He said he never thought about it and loves that name way better.

“God doesn’t drown people!” – I bet that Noah guy would have words on this… Seems like he once drowned almost ALL of the people, literally, at once. Of course, it’s just a story – and Noah was probably a boat builder a couple of cubits short of a yardarm, but still… drowning people is DEFINITELY on the table.

You’re like the only person who can write/talk about anything and not offend me. I need a “Jenny Filter” to put over my head (ears & eyes covered) for people that I know offend me. Do you have one for sale in your store?

A few thoughts:
1. God doesn’t drown anybody. Though if Hitler had found himself in anything larger than a bathtub, God might have given him the skills to do nothing more than a weak doggy-paddle.
2. Little-known money-saver: You may not *want* to send a tampon to college, but under an IRS loophole, you *can* set up a 529 college-savings plan for one! And all the money you put in, plus the interest, will accumulate tax deferred!
3. I don’t think Jesus had wings, but he *could* turn water into wine. Maybe he could drink himself out of certain near-drowning situations?
4. Some people think God is mean and vengeful, but I say someone who calls one of his creations “Peaches” sounds pretty friendly and accessible.

I am so glad I’m not easily offended, otherwise I couldn’t laugh so hard that I gave myself an abdominal cramp. People who are easily offended must not laugh that much. They probably *tsk* instead, and then go tell their friend how inappropriate you are. That just seems sad. And judgy.

I love this. I wish I could paste it all over my forehead for the world to see. Or God. Maybe God would see it.
BTW- I have read every page of your blog in the last few months. I love your sense of humor. You are one strong amazingly funny and honest chick. I like that. I also enjoy your posts on perscription and non perscription drugs. I crack the f up.

Jesus is totally laughing at this right now.
By Jesus, I don’t mean Jesus Christ, per se, but my gardener, Jesus, who’s reading this right now.
Just kidding, I’m poor and don’t have a gardener. I just figured if I did, his name would be Jesus. Is that racist? I don’t know. God, I love you. You too, Mrs. Lawson.

I like to think of God as my adorably grumpy Seventh grade civics teacher. Grumbly and hard on the outside, but on the inside, still pretty annoyed by everything.
And Jesus is his totally cool son, that tries really hard to prove he is not as grumpy as his dad, but is really, really good at insulting folks in a funny way that totally goes over their heads. And he is all, “You, Dad! Why you gotta be such a buzzkill all the time? I totes wanted to go to the school dance with Becky, and you had to ruin it by giving her Leprosy. This is why we can’t communicate effectively!” Because God prefers to do passive aggressive things to show his displeasure over his son’s life choices. And I totally understand why. Becky is a total bitch. I would not want her as a daughter in Law either.

One of the few bright spots of being temporarily unemployed is that I can read your blog at ease and actually laugh out loud…instead of waiting until no one was near my prison cell (read: desk) and then quickly navigating to your blog, speed reading, and suppressing the laughter. Let me tell you, that shit is bad for your health, I nearly gave myself a hernia once…or twice…or like eleventy million times.

Hey,
You’re right (about that little guy with the bad ‘stache), I’d totally be like, Way to go, Peaches! (High Five!)

But seriously, cut back a little on the blasphemy, ya makin’ me look bad.
…

Haha, God-cha! (See what I did there?) No sweat, you can keep the zingers comin’, I can take it!
(I need a good laugh now and then, with what some of you idiots down there are doing, present company excepted… Gotta smote me some Congress pretty soon.)

Because really, there’s a very, very good chance I don’t actually exist.;)

I fight with God, daily. Mostly because I’m mad at Her for making things so tough for my boyfriend. Then She tells me to mind my own business and I get struck with lightening. Yes, really. (No, not really. But it sure as shit feels that way.) The Goddess doesn’t call me Peaches. She calls me “Brat.” It’s really a shame that my family mourns the fact that I am “no longer religious.”

I might actually get the trophy for the weirdest person to comment on Jenny’s page. I should bake me a cake or something to celebrate.

So when I was a kid I totally conflated God with Santa Claus because I really couldn’t reconcile the thought that TWO old dudes could see everything I do and then judge me on it. So now I’m totally am adult and I can’t imagine God without seeing Santa. So he can totally give high fives and give you a little present under the tree for drowning Hitler.

I’m going to really try to control what I write here and just say “Yeah, Baby!” in the voice of Austin Powers instead.
I know you think “Liz” is awesome and that’s cool because you know her so we’ll take your word for it, but I’d prefer my friends to be a bit less judgey-preachy. I get enough of that from my mother.
Also, now I can’t get that “Goin’ to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches” song out of my head…

I’m with you. I figure God made me the obsessive-compulsive clusterfuck that I am, so He’d be cool with my weirdness. I think he may even get a kick out of it, like He’s watching me with a bowl of popcorn in front of him. With extra butter, because He doesn’t have to worry about cholesterol and stuff. I don’t think He is easily offended.

wait, I just reread the first couple of sentences and liz said babies “spring” from the womb? hmm. i’m not sure i’d use the word “spring,” but I’ve only had four. mine more like “exited painfully” or “clawed their way to the light.”

I had to go to a family dinner last night with my very conservative/religious NUT side of the family. I was still frowning this morning for having to keep my 40 year old mouth shut most of the evening.

Possibly Imaginary God did all sorts of bad shit to people, according to the Bible. Drowning, turning into pillars of salt, fire and brimstone, sending angels to kill all the firstborn boys, on and on… That dude can never turn down a good ostentatious murdering. So basically God is Michael Bay. I’m not entirely sure that’s comforting.

That’s funny. In my mind god looks like a ball of light, too. Ball of light god came to me in a dream once and insisted that I quit smoking. There was also a magic cursed guitar that once belonged to Robert Johnson, and explosions, and kittens. God did not call me Peaches, though.

I think I have fallen in love with the person who wrote they are 34 and say they are older than Jesus was. I am turning thirty so I will keep that in mind for the future. If there is a hell, I doubt you’ll be there. You have helped so many people by speaking out about mental illness and the stigma attached. And making us all laugh at the same time. That is so much more valuable than church every week.

Is he British in your head too? He very is in mine. Sexiest accent and just that little bit snarky. He’s all down to earth with the drowning of people. “You know I can have people do this for me, but I enjoy being hands on.” He’s easy to talk to.

In my mind. god looks like a ball of light, at first, in the distance. But then as he gets closer, you can tell he’s Morgan Freeman But 90s-era Morgan Freeman, not the caricature of Morgan Freeman that Morgan Freeman now is.

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don’t paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I’m telling you is
Yes Yes Yes

I can picture Victor sitting in the background shaking his head at your side of the conversation, lol! You’re right, God made you just the way you are and probably thinks that you’re just as funny as I do. He makes people like you to balance out the tight-asses out there.

I know nothing about Christianity, I’m Pagan born & bred. Which means I can pretty much do what I want. Including threatening to drown my bosses kid when he was splashing me in the pool. I told him if he didn’t quit it, I would hold his head under the water until the bubbles stopped & I suffered no ill effects from my threat….apart from being fired…except not really, I made that bit up. Come join us on the dark side! You’d love it & sometimes we dance naked around the woods……

God totally drowned a bunch of people. He even make some random guy to build a crazy-big boat so people were all busy taking photos of that nonsense instead of noticing that they were drowning their asses off.

I have a room reserved in hell. I already picked out the wrought iron lawn set. It’s going to brand funny symbols on my ass when I sit on it. You are welcome to stop by. You can sit in the ‘Barry Manilow lyric’ chair.

Uh, God does drown people. Noah and the flood. I would drown Hitler, too. He’s creepy. Keep up the religious conversations. They are hysterical, and I usually find myself completely agreeing with you. My in laws are very strict Southern Baptist, and they are horrified that I am not perpetually pregnant, barefoot, and in the kitchen. (My uterus is not a clown car.) It has completely warped their brains.

I have this VERY opinionated, VERY religious friend who loves to share her opinions on the weirdest stuff, like TV commercials. Spoiler Alert!: She hates ALL of them, unless there are kittens or puppies. Anyway, she was going on and on about how she hates the Allstate Mayhem guy because “he is EVIL.” I then spent 20 minutes arguing that Mayhem guy really is just a personification of God because nothing happens that isn’t God’s will, so really she was saying that God is evil. She hasn’t spoken to me for about 5 months and it has been kind of nice!

A few years ago I landed the role of “God” in a play. I was pretty intolerable around the husband during the five or so weeks of rehearsals. Of course, anytime he asked me “who the hell do you think you are?” I answered “I am God,” in my best batman/snickers commercial voice. I stopped asking him to do stuff and started commanding it. I know you freak out at public speaking but Jenny, if you ever get the chance to play God, well, at least give it some serious thought.

Halfway through this post I started to imagine getting a tampon so far up there that it would in fact be in the abyss of my uterus. I believe I had a 10 minute daydream about it floating around wearing a monocle and tophat whilst trying to drink a very full cuppa tea saying things like “esscuzzie” and “jolly good”. I’m not sure why he was half Italian or wearing anything but that’s how my brain works…

FYI, you’re friend could NOT be any more wrong if she tried about the whole “God drowns people” thing. case and point: baptism. God asks you to drown your BABY or yourself in water to prove that you have faith in him that he won’t let you drown. like when those crazy Mormons or just religious river people choose to baptize peeps in rivers and bathtubs and stuff. you could totally get washed away in the current because God commanded it., because he created gravity and water and such. He’s trying to kill you, and blame it on Satan. not nice man, not nice at all.

I have been following your blog for a while now and I’ve read both your books. I have to say I laughed incredibly hard while reading this post. You are like my doppleganger. Except we really don’t look alike and well…. it would be debatable as to which of us would be eviler on any given day. This is what conversations look like in my mind.

That gave me so much joy — so clearly, you are assisting God by spreading around the best medicine (laughter). So good work, Peaches.
(Of course he made you this way. He clearly expected this conversation. What’s the point of omniscience if you don’t already know what your favorite people are going to say?)

If s someone, anyone, leaves you hanging, it’s a perfect opportunity for a self-five. It looks like an over-the-head clap, so you’ll need to call out “self-five!” when you do it, but it’s totally satisfying.

Babies are only fun for like 5 minutes. Then they poop or cry or vomit. Other people’s babies are fun for like 5 seconds – long enough to say AWWW CUTE while hiding the look on your face that says “Is that a fucking spider monkey??”. Also I’m pretty sure whenever I pray, God is sighing heavily and saying, “OH MY ME, what now?”

OMG Peaches, I hope you have you hand basket packed, you’re goin’ straight to hell ! ! !
By the way, just what is a hand basket? Old world mode of transportation? Free carry on? Any other destinations?
Thanks for the laughs.

Peaches. Every time I hear that word I think of my vagina, which I call “PEACH FISH”. From Tom Robbins novel, ‘Still Life with Woodpecker’. Great book you should read it.
On drowning. I’m originally from the UK, but now live in Canada, the Northern Part with forests and bears and cougars (of all varities), and I often get a hankering to see what the fuck is going on over the pond in the UK so I read the Daily Mail online, (because its a very intellegent news worthy site to read to be current on worldly affairs like….Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears and, George the new king to be baby-which I don’t really care about as babies are boring). Anyway, drowning….it appears from the Daily Mail that every day when the sun shines some one is drowing. Thats a lot of people because apparently God has been shinning that sun all over the UK peeps for a while now (probably to dry them out from the traditional weather of rain). But every day some one is drowning. What I want to know is why are there these random acts of drowning all over the place, and where are their friends when this is happening?? God is not very nice giving them sunshine, whilst drowning the people in payment. I would take rain over the sunshine! Drowning is not a test, your dead, end of story, no coming back to reflect!

I just want to say thank you. Thank you so much! I’m not feeling well, and I had a really miserable day at work today. In less than five minutes, you’ve managed to make me laugh and feel so much better…as always! I just hope you know how much you’re appreciated.

My comment isn’t funny – so feel free to skip.
But WOW! (not the game, just the amazement!)
You handled that so well. ! For real. I tend to shut down and be all “your god is stinky and doesn’t like me” or similar.

Also? Is that true? Do we make up to 4 Pints Of Saliva a DAY!!?? Because excessive. Proves god is a man, he wants us to swallow.

You know all those times you’ve almost tripped and fallen over absolutely nothing? That was him high fiving you, but missing. Giant invisi-hands are hard to control like that…or that’s just a convenient excuse to high five you in the head :/

i believe God actually has a secret name for all of us. Our REAL name that we don’t even know but will know when He calls us this. I’m just surprised that yours is Peaches. Not sure what I was expecting.

My life seems so empty and worthless now. I’ve never had this awesome of a conversation before… I still say your conversation with Victor about the McDonald’s characters holds the title of “Best Conversation Ever.”

I also have conversations with god but never thought about what he might call me. I do imagine him softly beating his head against a wall.
I wonder if the Great Maker notices a surge of happy energy and checks to see what Peaches is up to today.

I wish I had time to read all the rest of the comments on this thread today. I loved the post even though it does trigger a few flashbacks of the nearly two years I spent in an “independent fundamentally Baptist” cult. Oddly enough, I was asked to leave that cult for religious reasons. They tried to convince me that a crucifix wasn’t a Christian symbol. I disagreed. I’m pretty sure Jesus would disagree too. (Although I wonder if he would be hyper-critical of the accuracy of the images of himself? I can sort of picture him going, “My nose doesn’t look like that!”)

Also, I used to know a girl named Charisma who liked to tell the story of how she was almost named Peaches. I think she was secretly disappointed that she wasn’t.

You know those disclaimers at the end of movies that say “no animals were hurt in the production of this film”? Don’t you think that there should be one at the end of the biblical flood story saying “ALL of the animals were hurt in the production of this story”?

This post totally requires a link to the one where you sat beside a religious person on an airplane, and you and Victor reverse-converted him or something. I wish I knew how to find that one, because it was totally awesome just like this one.

I…don’t have anything funny to say. I can hear this conversation coming out of my 18 year old son’s mouth and he sometimes makes me laugh so hard I can’t breathe. You have this level of talent too. Thank you for making me not be able to breathe. Does this mean I’m drowning in laughter? Not a bad way to go.

Thank you for this! I may have had similar conversations with friends of mine, but they have all long since stopped talking about it and just call me “the heathen”.

I totally think God drowns people. But then again, I also think quite a few of the things that happen in life are God and Satan playing around and saying “Hey, Angel/Devil, watch this!!!”. And as many people have said, “I may be going to hell, but at least i’ll be in good company with all of my friends!”.

Ok. Can everyone leave the poor platypi alone. How would you like to be used as an example of gods humour all the time? ‘Hey, dude, check out Sharon, she looks so f&&$d up, God MUST have a sense of humour. Look how DIFFERENT she is.!’. Really, if you’d seen loads of platypi before ducks, then they wouldn’t seem so odd…in fact, the ducks would be the weird ones. ‘Hey, dude, check out that thing that looks a bit like a platypus except….wtf….it has no arms!!! Check out that armless waddle! How does it walk upright?? Dude, god HAS got a sense of humour’.

I, for one, am proud to be rather platypussian in form and nature….not because god has a sense of humour….but because god was so sick of cookie-cutter humans he needed an anomaly to stay sane. We are gods Xanax.

Oh thanks comments, now I have the damn True Blood intro stuck in my head, drowning by baptism, FINE. Jenny, I’ pretending you never said Peaches.! That is my asshole sisters nickname and you are not her. Now I shut up cos i’m weird even on blogs

I had a similar conversation with my 5-year-old today. Out of the blue, he says, “Jesus can pick up trees and throw them.” ME: “No, Jesus was a person who talked about love and being nice & stuff.” 5-yr-old, “No. He throws trees. Sometimes on people’s houses. He can pick up cars and throw them too.”
He goes to a Jewish pre-school, so I cannot even figure out why he is talking about Jesus. or why he thinks Jesus is the Hulk.
Maybe Jesus throws trees so people can hang on to them and float instead of being drowned by g-d.

When I was little, lets say around 7, my mom was convinced I had had a vision because I saw a bright ball of light in our kitchen in the middle of the night. The pastor at our church “tested” me some how and was amazed at how knowledgeable about religion I was and agreed to Baptize me, in that church you had to be an adult to be Baptize because they wanted to be sure you really believed it and not just going along with what your parents told you to do.

My mom was disappointed that I seemed to stray from the path once we moved to another state because the pastor at the new church said you had to love God more than your parents and I couldn’t do that and so he said that meant I was bad and would go to hell, I was 9, you don’t tell a 9 year old they have to love some thing they can’t see or hear more than they love their parents, it just doesn’t work, at least it didn’t for me and I haven’t been back since.

That was a long way of saying that I also see God as a bright ball of light.

For a very short time I worked at a Catholic publishing company, which is mostly ironic since I’m not Catholic, or even religious at all. But I dealt with author relations, which meant talking to a lot of nuns and priests on a daily basis. Every conversation ended with a blessing and a forgiving. A few hail mary’s were slipped my way too. I think that means I’ve been forgiven for sins I haven’t committed yet.

lol. religious types love to see it both ways. he’s good but he doesn’t do bad things. he controls everything but there’s free will. cracks me up. if ever there was a loophole! if i didn’t have any morals at all i would take up with the church and make my millions talking like an Animaniac all day.

I was drinking vanilla cream soda while reading this, it squirted out my nose. Damned that Burns. So, you’re the Peaches God told me about. Actually, God calls me Lady Jane. Only because I have a smart asses mouth when discussing religion. It’s a good idea not to talk religion or politics.

I was laughing so hard reading this my son wanted to know what this was. I started reading it & then had to explain tampons. I don’t think he paid too much attention after that b/c he was sort of horrified (he’s a young teen).
So thank you for getting me to laugh today and allowing me the opportunity to explain more facts of life to my teenager.

You need to be Jewish because then you can question God and crack jokes all you want and it’s appreciated. Won’t score you any extra points or anything but as long as you don’t try to do any miracles yourself (like strike a rock with your staff to find water) then you’re good to go. So leave your staff at home and get to synagogue. Or at least join a mahjong or bridge club or some such.

Not being a religious type; after being a very religious type it turned me the other way (I don’t mean to Satan but you get the idea) but did I read something about God making us in his image in which case I have to ask – do you think that means he has hands….? I’m sitting on a big ass fence.

Didn’t have time to read the whole thread, but I’m sure that G-d calls me, “Grrrrrl!” As in, “Grrrrll, you DID NOT just post that!” or “Grrrrlll, I’m done with Andy Gibb and SImply Ballroom. Stop.” I am going to fry for too many reasons to enumerate here. Must go troll for more disco. Hi, Jenny! Wine! Same thing.

Way t be Liz. Gotta disagree however. God drowns people, in the sense he doesn’t stop them from drowning, which we both know he totally could, but he’s got better plans than that, he knows what’s going down, and sometimes even sets things in place to make you change your thinking.

I think you’re safe on the God side… Looking back on my life, that man has to have a sense of humour, it’s impossible that he doesn’t.

Also, as a English person I do believe that I was one of the last people in the world to know that we have a joint new baby due to not getting a town crier in the hole I’ve been residing in… I personally think that our country is slacking in that area. I want a town crier to laugh at/run away from in sheer fear.

Having said that, I will take your congratulations and then add it with: Is he all of ours? Am I on some form of babysitting schedule? I should really check my emails…

A few months ago my daughter and I saw a truck with this phrase painted in HUGE red letters across the back, “Our God is healing.” Both of us were very shocked. Because isn’t that basically an open invitation to other Gods who wanna kick his ass? You know, to announce, “Our God is healing” as opposed to “Our God is at 100% health points”?
Just seems like an invitation to kick a God when he’s down to me, that’s all.

I fully, FULLY believe that God loves me BECAUSE I do such silly things. I think I am part of His comic relief, because when You’re God and You have so much to create/look after/think about, you could USE some comic relief!

I welcome you to God’s Comic Relief Squad. I didn’t know we HAD a Squad, but clearly, we do.

Love you for your humour, your foibles, and your humanity, my girl!

Grey :)

P.S. I’ve been having dreams about the Devil appearing at my window using ugly hand puppets to try to scare me. That must be meaningful in SOME way… *giggles*

Oddly enough I also get banned from talking about religion to other people. I’m routing for you not drowning anytime soon, because how crap would that be to get spiritual proof like that and not be here to blog about it?

Peaches for the win. Love that. This is exactly why I never talk religion or politics with friends. Too many people I know have drowned. Anyway, here’s a little bedtime story to share with your friends and family.

@Chris Dean #277… I love it! “Our God is healing/our god is at 100% health points” is right up there for me with: “Jesus saves! He rolls a D20 ….and He crits for maximum damage.”
and “Jesus saves! Gretsky gets the rebound…he shoots…he scores!”

I’m always amazed by the things people want God to be responsible for, ie every-last-thing, free-will-be-damned. And the people who treat the “why does God let bad things happen to good people?” question like it’s the hardest damned philosophical question ever asked.

Me, I think we should get right to work on the fundamental mysteries of existence in the universe just as soon as we’ve dealt with: “why do WE let bad things happen to good people?” It’s not God dropping the bombs on family weddings in Afghanistan, people. Nor was it God who bullied that little freckled girl in 4th grade, or who stood by and said nothing while they watched it happen.

Christians (Myself, included in this heap-of-a-category) often take ourselves too seriously. We forget that God has to have a sense of humor. After all, he created me, this messed-up-lump-of-woman …and I’d like to think he did it on purpose =D

There could totally be an extension of the ball of light, shaped like an arm and hand for the high five. Only, when you slap it, your hand would go right through it, because it’s light, and not solid. So, left hanging, or pitching forward, which is better?

And in case I sound too f-ing sincere, bear in mind that I grinned and laughed all the way through this post. Only then did I reflect, and lo, was verily pissed off about all the philosophical BS people get into to avoid actually doing anything differently themselves. Which really wasn’t the point, so… sorry about the rant.

I’ve had many a conversation regarding religion and they never are as hilarious as yours. I agree with all your talking points and if you ever start a cult (which I suspect you already have by accident) I’d join and give you all my money. I hope you aren’t disappointed to know it’s only $7.25 and a stick of gum ;)

I won’t call you Peaches because I’m not God… I’ll call you Cumquat. I believe in God, but I don’t think we have the intelligence to understand him/her/it. I’m not sure any of us can seriously claim to understand God’s works. Anyway, in this life we should take joy where we can find it… that’s why I visit this site… good work Cumquat.

Oh–and on that Hitler note (eeek, lightening and brimstone) he was a bit fervent in his quest to eliminate a sector of the human race which he deemed to be “unholy” murderers of Jesus. Artists with too much time on their hands who write really long books while imprisoned and have a penchant for attracting large media-induced attention can have a devastating impact on societies, especially when they have low self-esteem and deem the Jewish roots they possess to be the root of all evil… But when I wake up and put on my make up (yes, that sounds like a song…) I have to remember all the atrocious despicable things we as humans do on a daily basis to each other every day just to enhance our daily lives…Poor beagles, bunnies, monkeys, and humanoids who butcher themselves all in the name of science, commercialism, food, and health. We continue to passively and quietly and obscurely do over the course of centuries sense Jesus time what Hitler did out in the open in one shocking hideous blow…No on wants to hug their monsters. Manson and Hitler aren’t usually the first people on the “good” list and Jesus would probably hug them both for that reason alone. Lost sheep being what they are….who hugs Hitler? pretty much no one. I suspect that may be why he was ever-so-slightly morally and ethically disgruntled to the point of genocide. Maybe he just didn’t get invited to enough birthday parties…Maybe he had social anxiety and spent far too much time alone. Maybe if he’d had Facebook and a Blog as a kid, he would have made more friends, Jewish friends, and come to the conclusion that Jesus loves everyone, even when they eat him and hang him on a stick…Just saying. Cheers! :)

I am already making the “Peaches” altar in my kitchen as we speak (or type). Candles, – check -dish of wine – check – taxidermied mole brandishing a tiny bullwhip – check. Just need a lock of your hair or maybe a tooth and I am ready to join your religion gurl. (I figure you will probably answer my prayers faster than God – or least with more elan or maybe an eclair? – I’m kinda fuzzy on the organized religion front obviously) You are my kind of people – thanks for making my morning.

Jenny, I think I totally want to be you when I grow up, which may be later rather than sooner, but never-you-mind. Also, my bestie and I did an homage to Beyonce (the rooster, not the singer) in our latest post, and it’s hilarious. Hugs’n’kisses!

I’ll be sure to pass that along, the next time I hear anyone demand that men pay child support…

And I’m certain that the author of the universe is big enough to handle both our conceptions and our misconceptions. About life and the universe, we know even less than Jon Snow (yeeew knaw noothin, jan snaaw).

Can anyone post the url to The Bloggess’ FIRST post??
Or tell me where to find it??
I have a hard time reading things out of order.
Also I’m tired of re-reading posts that are in more than one category.
And I keep clicking on links to other posts so I can understand what the hell is going on then losing the post I was reading.
Grrrr

I do love God so my comment is going to be a little prosaic and dorky, but I’m certain he has a good sense of humour and is laughing at you (and perhaps saying “but clean up your act, yo). Liz would know better.:-)

Didn’t God totally drown people with the Noah and his arc thing? I mean, I know it’s been a while since I’ve touch a Bible, that I’m sure I learned that in Catechism. So… That makes you right. Just saying…

I would talk religion with you any time. And I’m ordained. Though I think that the most irreverent people are typically those who have higher education in theological things; we get to see the jokes that translators leave out. A little bit of heresy is good for the soul. Like ice cream.

This is my first ever comment. I am one of those “lurkers” but today, I had to come out of the woodwork just to say that. I love your blog and your book and your mind! :) Keep all the awesome weirdness coming! You make me laugh somedays and others you truly inspire, whether you know it or not.

My friend Jenny and I (that’s right two Jens and you would make three) have many text conversations that end with some comment about one of us likely going to hell. But we have determined that we don’t necessarily belong in general population hell with Hitler and the chi-mos and those people who love Nancy Grace. We refer to the “ritzy” part of hell. I’m pretty sure it looks like Branson, Missouri and the only beverage is beer in an aluminum can, but it’s livable. You can live there too.

I have to back you up on God drowning people. The Bible is pretty explicit that God drowns all the Egyptians who chase after Moses and the Israelites in the Red Sea. Then Moses and Mirian sing this awesome ditty:
Sing to the LORD; God has triumphed gloriously!
Horse and rider God has thrown into the sea.

I just wanted to say you’re awesome. Seriously. I love these conversations. I’ve had chronic leg pain for a year now, and knowing that I can come to your site and find your latest post and laugh so hard I can’t breathe helps me. :)

I should be responding to your Blogging is Dead post with this comment but that would make sense. My blog is the kind of blog that people could cite as evidence for the death of blogging. And it wouldn’t even be exhibit A. So it would be far down the list of irrelevant. We even gave it an impossible name to type. People fall asleep typing it. I promise you, the blog is worse than this comment. It features Mulberry torture. I’ve just spoiled every surprise possible. And our homepage is misleading. jeffandjillwentupthehill.com

I think your friend’s theology might be a bit off…wait no. That’s not it. I don’t agree with her view of God…but most people don’t agree about that, so. That was not a revolutionary statement. Anyway, what I’m really trying to say is that I don’t think God is like that AND I can’t imagine him not calling you Peaches, to be honest.

Now that is ridiculous. Please stop making me snort coffee all over my laptop. It might drown out the motherboard. I have a few questions. Four pints of saliva? Where did you read that? And what are those weird things on the wall? Who is this person you are talking to?

I have discovered that a lot of christians hate to admit/or talk about being angry/blamey with God for shit that happens in their life.. Honestly. Some of my best “God moments” have come when I am sitting in the shower telling God how F***ing pissed I am about what he is doing in my life. If God didn’t want us to challenge him, why did he give us freewill?

This conversation just reminded me that today is my best friend’s birthday… and I wish she lived closer. I’m going to get her one of your “Wish You Were Here” cards because that is the best picture. Ever.
Thank you for being awesome.

I found your blog when this post was featured on one of the Facebook pages that I follow. I followed the link to here, and saw your picture first. My first thought was (even though I am a gay man), “Damn, she is HOT!” Then I read this post and laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

I then saw that you had written a book, so I checked it out of my local library, and as I read it, I laugh, and laugh some more. The people at work get tickled at me during my lunch break, and I have been sharing some of the things that you say. Also, my boyfriend is getting mad at me, because, as he puts it, “I keep telling him all of the damn stories, and he will know the whole book before he even gets a chance to read it!” :-)

I’m sure someone has already pointed this out, but God LOOOOVES drowning folks. For more on this, see the Torah (also known as the Old Testament) portion where he drowns everybody but Noah, his fam, and some animals. Talk about power tripping! :)