Who has the bus schedule?

Deb Robinson

Saturday

Oct 6, 2018 at 8:00 AM

My adoration for quotes really knows no bounds. I came across this one recently and it’s made me think…a lot.

Deb Robinson

“I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?), and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, kiss me harder, and you’re a good person, and you brighten my day. I live my life as straight-forward as possible. Because one day, I might get hit by a bus. Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether it’s your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands. But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate. And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care. We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans. We never know when the bus is coming.”-Rachel C. Lewis

My adoration for quotes really knows no bounds. I came across this one recently and it’s made me think…a lot.

I am not horribly straightforward. I do not like sending reckless text messages because it is hard to understand the tone of a text message. Are they joking? Are they angry? Why haven’t they responded after 36 minutes? Do they wish I hadn’t texted them and my biggest fear, if you will, do they see my text message, shake their head in frustration, have a disgusted look on their face and think, “Expletive, expletive, expletive (and about 15 to 20 more expletives), I wish I didn’t get expletive, expletive….you get the idea, texts from this person, ever, never!”

Maybe I’m overthinking this, perhaps. I don’t know.

I am, however, very good at pretending not to care. I totally understand most everyone has suffered extreme hurt and pain at some point in their lives; perhaps multiple points. I’m not special by any stretch of the imagination, but I tend to put up walls. One such wall is my, ‘I do NOT care’ when in fact, I do care very much, but I’ll never let on I do.

Often, I do not feel as though I’m worthy of anything. I’ll catch a glimpse of myself as I pass by a mirror and think, “You need to get back in the gym. YIKES, you are so ugly.”

Reality is I do need to get back in the gym and I do feel ugly. That is not an attempt to get attention or anything of the sort. That is how I see myself. My self-esteem is not exactly great.

I have grown, though. I love to give genuine compliments to complete strangers. If I’m in a store or restaurant I do not hesitate to say a kind word to a stranger if I find something appealing regarding their clothing or their appearance.

For a long time whenever someone would tell me they loved my hair (the color and the curls) I would always deflect saying something like, “Yeah, I like it better now that I’m older.”

Well, that was not very nice of me. Actually, it was quite rude.

So, I’ve started saying, “Thank you. You are very kind!”

I don’t take compliments well, but that’s an entirely different column.

I know I’m not in control. I think I have some control at work, but that is about the extent. I do believe sometimes I should be able to voice my opinion or make decisions when it comes to certain issues (unrelated to work), but it’s not the case.

It is indeed downright impossible for me to just ‘be’. I attempted to set on my patio the other night watching my dog, Harry, play while I enjoyed the cool evening air with an adult beverage, but I could not settle down. I managed five minutes so that’s a start!

I do not ever want to appear desperate. There’s something so foreign to me about being desperate. Definitely not in my DNA.

I’m scared all the time. You name it I am either scared or I can think about it long enough to make myself scared. An active imagination is a great thing…most of the time.

I am reminded always life is short. Life is unpredictable. A perfectly healthy person can drop dead at any time and everyone who knew them says things like, “I CANNOT believe it! I never saw THAT coming!”

Yeah, we don’t always get a pre-notification death is imminent.

I’m sure I’ll keep a copy of this quote around so I can refer to it from time-to-time. Adapting some of the notions of which she wrote may not be such a bad idea after all.

I suppose I don’t need that previously requested bus schedule.

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