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Author
Topic: 3 months poz now and ?!? (Read 10867 times)

I'm now 3 months into my diagnoses, physically I'm feeling find except for today, had constant diarrhea since about 2 this morning until about 3 this afternoon. I so freaked out, I called my doctor and she said it is probably just a stomach bug and to relax. Easier said then done.

Anyway, emotionally I have had a tough time the last few days. I'm feeling alone again and sad I can't seem to get myself out of this funk. I cried alot yesterday, and have been in bed most of today. I guess I need someone to talk to, but know when is around.

I'm right there with you. I was diagnosed in April and started the same meds as you in June as well. We'll get used to these meds together, you might say. I've reacted pretty well with my meds, too, except for Saturday when I had a bout of diarrhea. That's something I never would have had a second thought about before my diagnosis. The next day, I was already back to normal but I know that whenever I have something out of the ordinary, my first thought will be my positive status. Bad days are going to happen - both physically and mentally - that's just something I'm going to have to prepare for and be ready them as best I can. There are plenty of people on these forums with a lot more experience and wisdom than I have but I do know how you feel.

In the beginning with the meds, I just felt tired and slightly upset stomach but nothing more. So I don't know if this morning was the meds or a bug as the doc suggested. I know she is going to get tired of me calling for every little thing I suspect is from the hiv. But I am still new at this and still confused on what are the right things I should be doing other than the norm. I guess that is part of my loneliness and sadness the last few days.

Hey Chuck,Hang in there. You can have bad days. I think you are amazing with your overall attitude. This crappy day or two will pass for you. My bad days are shorter and shorter 6 months after my diagnosis. But being reminded of sickness seems to take me down. I was just put on INH to kill off an inactive TB infection. I don't feel sick at all, but just the reminder of my health puts me at a little dis-ease with myself. I also usually cry when I get done having my blood drawn. I know that my first cold or flu is going to freak me out a little.

Let yourself have those bad days every once in a while. Here's to a better day tomorrow. Thank God for meds. Matt

Well I am thinking about you. Just know that reading about your great attitude was tremendous help to me when I felt the same as you do now. Maybe you need this time as "processing" time. it will pass and you will be on your bike this weekend hopefully.

Thanks Matt, I was doing so good I just don't understand what happened to me today. I didn't go to work and I missed a good day to ride my motorcycle (though they where calling for thunderstorms, which never happened as usual).

Yes, it's fine. Also, if you have diarrhea more frequently then the little bit that you are experiencing you can request a prescription of loperamide with is just prescription strength. imodium. I've taken that twice daily for over a decade, and over a span of about 7 different med regimens. There is no interaction.

I've had a lot of the fatigue as well after starting the meds and it has been a chore to make myself run and exercise regularly. I've also gained about 5-10 lbs since starting the medicine so that definitely doesn't help my self-esteem. But, on the other hand, I know what a blessing it was to discover my condition so soon. I am fortunate to have someone close to talk about what I'm going through - I can't emphasize enough how important and valuable that's been for me during this time.

Miss Philicia: I didn't know about imodium either - that's good to know and I'll f/u with my doctor about its use. Thanks!

That's how the sadness used to hit me all the time. Out of nowhere. My therapist is calling it "grief." I got to the point where I felt like I had missed too many good days. I am not back to 100%. But I will take 80% for now on a good day. But believe me I plan on being 100% again. Maybe even happier.

I would call your doc about the immodium interaction. I'll be getting me some of that tomorrow.

Thanks Miss Philicia I will call my doctor tomorrow and ask about that for I am on so many meds right now.

cyhguy78..I had alot of fatigue in the beginning not so much now. I try to get my 8 hours asleep a night with the help of ativan, without it i do not sleep. The meds have had the opposite effect on me with appetite I basically have known I have to force myself to eat 3 meals a day and I have lost 11 pounds, my ID doc wants me to eat more healthy fatty foods, I don't even know what healthy fatty foods are. Potatoe chips, french onion dip, cookies, pies and cake, sound like more normal fatty foods to me oh and don't forget McDonalds french fries and a shake.

My family and a few close friends have been very supportive with me through this but I sometimes feel that they don't know how to really support me like someone who has hiv. They don't really know how I'm feeling. So, I just usually tell them I'm fine or just having a bad day. I don't want to feel like a burden to them.

I have only been to my therapist twice I have another appt this week. She told me in my last session that what I was feeling was normal. I'm beginning to hate that word normal, normal is what I felt before this.

Maybe i should go for a short ride on my bike, that always makes me feel better. But then I would have to get out of my pajamas, That maybe to much work

A bike ride might be good if you can force yourself out. I don't think that you are at the clinical depression stage yet. You seem to have too many good days. I'm afraid that this bad day with your runs does sound normal.

I forgot what meds you are on. The sustiva in the atripla made me absolutely crazy sad with insomnia to boot. But all of a sudden it left me and I could not sustain the bad feelings any more.

If you can't get out on your bike, your mind and body might be just trying to get you to sit with this loss for a little while before you go on. Don't be too hard on yourself about it. it is just normal and that can be ok.

When I try to remember my "normal" life, I remember that this change could make me a better person somehow. I remember my doc telling me that I wasn't getting any younger anyway and I might just try to be happy with what is going OK with me.

Don't think I am saying what so many told me as I was just diagnosed: "this loss will teach you so much about yourself that you may become a better person." I hated that - but sometimes I feel that they may be right. I will never confess to that though.

Well I didn't make it out for my bike ride, just couldn't get the energy up to go. The meds I'm on are listed at the bottom.

My therapist said I was dealing with "grief and loss" and wanted to know when I was going to get mad. I told her that I already got mad and broke several things in the house when I was first diagnosed. And getting mad is not really in my personaltly. She also told me I need to not let the meds control what I do, but its so hard cause they have to be taken within a certain time period and with food.

I went to the Nickalback, Hinder concert last night and had a good time though my friends and wife said that I was not myself. In I was to sober, I pretty much have stopped drinking, mixing alcohol and the meds upset my stomach.

The only think that really makes me at peace is when I ride, I've just felt lately that the last few days I don't have anything else. I so need to get out of this funk I'm in. I'm not sure therapy is helping, but I'm afraid to stop then I won't have any one to talk too.

Miss P is right about the Imodium. I had trouble with the PIs (protease inhibitors) back in the day. You had to take 6 at a time, 3x a day. They would always give me diarrhea. I finally got so sick of it that I asked my doc about taking Imodium, fearing a drug interaction. She said it was perfectly fine. I started taking one pill every morning as a daily routine and it changed EVERYTHING. The runs were gone and so was the constant worrying about it.

Also, just sharing a bit of what I went through in the first few years of diagnosis....I would always be paranoid about every little thing with my health, wondering if it would complicate my HIV, wondering if it was from my HIV, etc. That paranoia caused me to ask more questions and to read more books and to look online. I educated myself and felt so much stronger with that knowledge that I was gaining. I have been pos nearly 16 years and I have come so far. I know its hard to believe in the beginning, when you're first diagnosed, because your mind tends to get the best of you. Fear of the unknown will make you a stronger person, and things will get back to normal again.

Don't be so hard on yourself. This is all still really new for you, its a lot to take in, so of course you're overwhelmed. There were times after I went through months of feeling sorry for myself and sad and afraid, that I started to get angry. I screamed into a pillow, I'd go into my basement and scream, I just needed that outlet. I kept telling myself that I was doing everything I was supposed to with my meds and docs appts, and that eventually I would be OK.

Hang in there, you'll get there, too, and you'll be so much stronger for it.

Hey chuck I wondered how you were doing. Sometimes it gets bad like that. If riding makes you feel good, make time for it (assuming its not raining as it has up here in ny nearly every day). I don't know about the "mad" theory. I went to see my therapist today btw. I think getting mad for therapy doesn't usually help me. You might want to shop around for a therapist til you find one that really rings true with u.

I can't see ur meds on my bberry but I was able to resume drinking after a few months on the meds. Now it suck because I am going to be on INH for my TB and my dr says I can't even have red wine with my steak for 6 months.

The bad stretches should decrease as you get tired of letting them go on. And you don't seem to me to allow your negative feelings to get the best of you. However, it does sound like you want to talk to people about this more. I still could talk about this all the time but its getting a little better now. I really suggest that you find a support group to go to. That did wonders for me.

The weekend is coming. Get on that bike and log on here if it stays bad for you.

It has been raining here pretty much all week, I'm in Maryland. I think that maybe some of making me down. I haven't been able to ride all week.

Meds are once a day truvada, norvir and reyataz. it will be 2 months on Monday that I have been taking them. Plus zoloft for my anxiety and toprol for my blood pressure and ativan to sleep.

It would be nice to have a friend who is hiv+, that I can relate to and understands. Plus someone who I can hang out with and do fun things with and of course someone who rides. But, thats probably asking alot.

Today I'm having a much better day, just still tired from the concert. It takes me a little longer to get back to my energy level when I don't get enough sleep. By tomorrow I should be well rested and it better not rain I so need to ride, my poor bike is getting lonely in the garage and wants to be taken out for a nice relaxing ride (LOL). Kidding (sorta).

Not drinking only bothers me sometimes, usually its not a big deal, I get high at times, which helps Though I do miss my glass of wine with dinner.

How are you doing? Have you been on the INH before? Hope everything is ok with you

Good to hear that u are doing better. Raining here in ny too. My "harley" is tennis so the rain is fucking that up for me too. I know what you mean about wanting to talk to hiv pos people. That's why I really recommend finding a support group. But this is a good place to check in with people.

The INH is a breeze compared to atripla. I had looked forward to my glass wine, cocktail or beer each night. But I can forgo that for the 6 months - no big deal. It seems like it keeps me up too. I haven't heard that too many people have negative side effects to your meds. I think you must just be adjusting to the diagnosis. Well let's hope that tomorrow is sunny.

Chuck, I hope you're feeling better. If you're still feeling down you may want to find a therapist or group that you can talk to (as well as visiting this board). Also, I know it sounds hokey but watching comedy films helped pull me out of some short-term moments of depression (loved the Ellen and Margaret Cho concert videos). The comedy movies are a short-term fix but fun nonetheless.

Well had a pretty good weekend, feel much better ( I really think it was the rain and not riding). Went to a birthday party and road my bike on saturday, just got back a few minutes ago (sunday) from riding after I got home from visiting family. I feel really good today, just ordered pizza for dinner, which I haven't done in a while. I need some junk food, been real good lately with eating right, taken vitamins and all.. Just felt like pizza. Ok I'm rambling,

And I hear the weather is suppose to be partly cloudy, no rain..so I will be riding my bike to work.

Thats great Chuck. I think I need my dosage of junk food too. I didn't have any for two weeks. Well weather has been a sucker in nyc too. Been rainy all day, and just cleared a bit now. And I am planning to go out and get some junk food myself now.

Hi Chuck.I know how you feel with the runs. Two weeks ago I made some cabbage soup. I had the leftovers in the fridge for a week before I finally finished it off. When I opened the container I could really smell the cabbage. It didn't smell bad at all. Within hours I had the runs which lasted for 4 days. Imodium didn't help at all. Since I didn't have a fever or chills I knew it wasn't the flue. I guess with having a weakened immune system I was more prone to food poisoning. I lost 4 or 5 pounds which is a lot since I have been trying desperately to gain weight (it took me two months to gain 0.02 lbs). It took me a week to get back to feeling normal.

Regarding Moonlights comments about over reacting to every little thing regarding his health in the first few months after being diagnosed. NOW it's a funny story but at the time it scared the crap out of me. About 6 weeks after being diagnosed I was walking to the doctors for a regular appointment. I happened to look at the inside of my right wrist and saw two round red dots. Panic set in. I thought to myself "Great now I have more things wrong with me. Just what I need.". I checked my left arm to see if I had more spots. Sure enough I had one on the top of my left wrist. My mind actually told me that I was going down hill pretty fast and the end must be near. Looking closely at it I saw it was a mosquito bite and I had scratched it. It had bled and I obviously had put my right wrist in contact with it twice and got blood on the right wrist. I licked my finger and wiped the blood away. Now it's a funny story but for a few minutes I was in a real panic.

You so can relate, I have been panicing about everything. Actually going to the docs tomorrow, because of a rash. Hope its nothing, sure it is. But, going anyway. I guess at some point I will not run to the doctors for everything. This is actually only my 3rd time in 3 months. Other than my ID doc appt.

So anyway other than that I'm doing fine, rode my motorcycle to work today FELT GREATPlan on riding it again tomorrow, suppose to be nice again, the rest of the week possible thunderstorms.

Things are going back to normal believe me, i cant believe that almost one year has gone since my pos diagnosis, its was very very hard and very sad... Probably every second, or every minute the idea that you have HIV comes up, thoughts like: what am i going to do; i will always be alone; no one will want to get near me; im going to die; im so young; im so ashamed... well this were the thoughts i had every single minute, it consumed me a lot, but now im fine, at least i only think in HIV 3/4 times a day hehehe . So, believe me, just give time to yourself, and you will see that everything will be fine, do the things you did before knowing your poz result, go out, have fun with your friends, you will soon notice that you are smilling and laughing again with them, and that HIV is just something that belongs to your personal life, and you will continue going on healthy and happy.

Chuck-I agree with Philly on the Immodium, that and gingerale, are lifesavers. If you have a BJ's or Costco near you, you can get 2 bottles of it for a little more than you would pay for one. It will get better and you are not alone, you have us

Really nice to see everyone's responses here. I am only a little over a month in to my diagnosis, but a lot of what you guys are saying totally matches how I'm feeling. Even though it sounds like it is going to last a long time, it is nice to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear you're doing better Chuck. Even though you were coming here for help, I have to tell you that you helped me just by sharing your story... as cheesy as that sounds.

Keep up the things that make you happy (riding) and I'll look forward to hearing more from you!

As hard as it right now, adjusting to your diagnosis, things will get better. It is not unusual for someone to take up to a year to adjust to their status, so give it time. I remember when I tested and all the horrible thoughts and fears that consumed me, but as time went on, I began to adjust and so will all of you. You remain the same person, you were before testing poz, except that today you are poz. You have acquired a virus and you can either let it run your life or decide that you will learn to live with HIV.

I understand what you are going through and I know it is very difficult right now, but you only have two real options. One option is to surrender yourself to some stinking virus and allow yourself to become a victim, rather than a survivor. The other option is where you choose to live your life, in spite of HIV and then you make that happen. I know your senses are in overload and that is OK. You have been given life-altering news, so stop trying to treat it like something that will go away in time. Instead, use this period to really look at who and what you are. You are experiencing hightened senses, so use those senses to get in tune with your body, because your counts are only part of your health.

Allow yourself the time to go through all the emotions you are feeling. Emotions are neither good nor bad, they just are and the sooner you are willing to face your true demons, the sooner you will adjust to your status. Until then, continue what you are doing, because you must always feed your mind, body and spirit. Be kind to yourself and seek support wherever you may find it. Allow yourself to experience the emotions that appear and if you need a couple of days in bed, with the covers over your head, then so bet it. My point here, is that we each must find our own way of adjusting to being poz and what matters here is finding outlets that will work for you.

Lastly, please remember that HIV will not kill you tomorrow. If you allow yourself to adjust, there is no reason you will not lead a long and fulfilling life. Trust me, I should know, I have been doing it for 25 years.

Hi Chuck - sounds like you are experiencing the anxiousness of your diagnosis. Its normal. It will go away - just takes some time - like the other guy said on here - may take up to a year. There will be good and bad days. Try not to fret about all of this - do the things that make you happy (like riding). Try your hand at something new if you want like volunteering or taking up the guitar - just some ideas. About the diarrhea, you can ask for a prescripton of Lomotil. I've taken if off an on for years. You can also take 2 immodium every 2 hours (forget about what the box says) that's what one of my docs told me. I always keep both of these medicines on hand just in case and take them with me if I have to travel. I too take something for insomnia so I understand about the not being able to sleep. Sounds like you are going to be just fine. Remember, we're here for you. Take care man. RV - a long-term survivor. PM if you need to talk.

I have been able to go off the adivan and am sleeping better at night without it (took a few days). Been riding as much as possible. Right now my anxiety level is increased by the thought of winter and not being able to ride ( that sounds like an obsession, doesn't it?) Oh well..I love it.

I've been more up beat and trying to do things. Still feel lonely alot of the time. Still taking my meds on time everyday. I am actually looking forward to my next ID appt. to get my tests run again. Hope there good. I still freak out about everything, but am paying more attention to what it is and not trying to panic.

Been working alot with year end stuff. I just have decided to take one day at a time and deal with the day at hand and it seems to be working, I don't allow myself to stress out as much as I was before. (though I do have to catch myself now and again.

I miss drinking my glass a wine every night, cause I take my meds at dinner time and it upsets my stomach if I drink with it. Still trying to adjust to taking the meds.

Hey Chuck, it is good to hear from you. Maybe its a good thing that you have a little anxiety about the winter. It might be a good time to do a little pre-planning about how you will fill those cold days without your hobby. I know for me being a southern transplant who lived here in ny and much worse, chicago, the winter was a huge challenge. I remember spending a whole winter trying to learn ice skating, then skiing, then xcountry skiing (ho-hum). Skating and skiing might have worked if I ever could have learned to stop. But it was still cold. It wasn't til I found indoor tennis clubs that I could make it through a gray sunless new york winter.

It would be a great time to line up a class or some other club, maybe a health club membership so you could feel like there is some purpose to winter.

After my first chicago winter, I knew I had to find something to do. So anyway, I think its a good thing that you see that looming ahead. I can definitely understand that one. Take care, Matt

I just joined this site/forum, and am taking great comfort somehow in reading,knowing i'm not the only one at the start of this journey. At times it seems like we're this cohort of new recruits entering boot camp, and being tested in every way possible for stamina in the face of adversity. I wish you guys were next door, so i could thank you in person for the support i get from this site. i was diagnosed in May 09 very quickly after infection, and had a rocky course. i'm off meds now, but having symptoms and wonder how long my body can fight this on its own. Chuck I certainly understand the day to day uncertainty, freaking out about body symptoms, thinking everything could be related to having HIV, means the VL is surging again, etc. And as someone wrote here, I would give anything to have a day of feeling "normal" again. It starts to feel like that time may never come. Like you, I am turning to things which have sustained me my whole life, music, singing. I hope to get back to piano, too. I also am not eager for the winter--live now in Wisconsin, but planning move to Chicago in the winter time... it would be great to know that there's a community of understanding people there. Maybe by that time, we'll be sharing how the beginning was so difficult but that there comes a turning point.We're in this together my friend!Larry

I was feeling pretty down the beginning of last week, but today I feel great, just made a major milestone in my riding experience. I went to Bike Week in Ocean City, Maryland. I had a great time on the ride down, took us 6 hours but as my Friend said, it was about the journey and what a journey it was. I have never seen so many motorcycles in my entire life and everyone was great, friendly group of people. I can truly say it was the first time I had really went out and almost forgottin about my hiv. I felt like myself the entire weekend it was a great feeling.

Hey Chuck: It sounds like you had a great weekend. I'm so happy that you are feeling tons better but I'm also jealous that you had a great ride. Man I wish that I was there with you. Good weather, great friends and lots of bikes. What could be better for lifting your spirits. If your worried about what to do with yourself in the winter may be you can detail your bike. Get a nice warm garage and a friend and you can work on them together. They also have bike week in Daytona Beach Florida in March. I have had friends go to that and it's quite the experience. The web site is http://www.ofifcialbikeweek.com. From what I here it will make Maryland look like 6 bike parked at McDonald's (no offence Maryland). Planning that trip should get you thru the winter.Hopefully your haveing a great weekDale

We are thinking about going to bike week in Daytona for next year. I am actually planning for the winter to repaint the inside of my house to get it ready to put on the market in the spring, really want to downsize and get into something a bit smaller.