EXCLUSIVE: Luigi is also Sick of Second

Sports Illustrated released their new cover story on Kevin Durant. Ballerball did it’s own story about someone else who is always perceived as “second-best.” Here is our day with Luigi.

April 20th

2:30 pm — Luigi sat on the bright green grass with his back resting against a bright green tube that leads underground. To his left is the corpse of a Goomba he had just crushed to death with his feet, Gosling-style.

“I’ve been a-second me whole life. I was the second-a best in Super Mario World. I was picked a-second place in Mario Kart. I’ve been a-second place in the Mario Tennis three times-a. I came in a-second in the Super Smash Bros finale. I’m-a sick and a-tired of being a-second. Luigi is done with it.”

3:50 pm – Luigi now sits on top of a cloud that has a smile on its face. This time he is in all white and green. Below is a turtle that has fallen to a gruesome death after Luigi removed its wings by throwing a scorching ball of pure fire at him. He did is like it was nothing.

“I don’t a-watch a lot of Super Smash Bros outside of the arena. I do look at what Mario do on the high score chart,” says Luigi as he wipes his forehead with his new turtle wing. “I like-a to look at everything Mario do. How many kills? How many lives he loses? How many pasta frijole he eat? I want to know these things,” says Luigi.

“People see a-two Italian brothers and they think we should have a-conflict. They forget the koopa cried for the goomba! I do try to crush Mario when we are in-a the arena.”

5:15 pm – Luigi is now pulled over on the side of Rainbow Road. He has a few minutes to kill due to the successful shortcut to the left of the large downhill slope at the start of the race. He smokes a cigarette as he stares off into space.

Luigi has hired his own driving expert to help him with his advanced racing. He is mastering the art of taking the tightest corners and driving through the wet sand while avoiding the crabs on Koopa Beach.

“It’s a-like you have a-three red Koopa shells in a mystery item box,” explains Luigi. “I could-a shoot two and miss one because the other drivers have a-banana. Or Luigi can-a take a shot at the driver with a-no bananas. Those are the good shells. We only want the best from the mystery item box.”

7:08 pm – When we’d play a-doubles in Mario Tennis and Toad was me partner, at first I would-a tell him it’s a-fine like prosciutto, but now I scream at him. Luigi wants to win the Mushroom Cup!” said Luigi staring into a mirror attempting to apply stitches from when he literally broke bricks with his forehead.

“Yes. I guess I rubbed off on him. HEHEHEHE,” said Wario, followed by a wicked laugh. “People think that-a we need to be not nice to Goombas and Koopas, but we like-a the positive energy. HEHEHEHE. We can still fight over the Risotto alla milanese… but there is another way. HEHEHEHEH!”

9:30 pm – Now Luigi sits on the edge of a grey stone platform, his legs hanging off the side, with hot lava underneath. This is the world he and his brother built together.

“Some-a-day-a, I might be the best in all of the Koopa world,” said Luigi as he sees the top of a Thwomp sink slowly into the bubbling lava. “On this a-day we will have our bistecca alla fiorentina. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow… but some-a-day-a.”