A positive restart

yeah I hear you about not allowing the fantasies, whether P based or about healthy sex.. I am absolutely minimising sexual thought.. but it just feels great that the natural shift of what those fantasises are, is happening..

thanks for the shout man, hope you're doing good..
well I slipped at about 65 days .. the usual.. big party/parties, had fun.. got home, there was no way I wasn't going to.. (alas)

it's been an eventful few weeks .. I really don't want to be the cause of any triggers, or even worse, plant seeds for wrong actions.. but i must share..

after a big project finished up lots of meet(/piss) ups due and after the first I was horny as hell, but for some reason the usual pmo desire got flipped to finding an escort! hungover, exhausted; insane tunnel vision.. and where there's a will there's a way.. it didn't feel real, even the following day..

there were some blessings from the encounter.. it was clearly intended to be a porn substitute - i found an independent escort who was happy to be filmed etc.. so I guess it was a roundabout way of fulfilling the very same thing.. when I got there, as up for the sex as she was, her engrish wasn't great, so it was hard to explain all the kinky mad shit I wanted to do (that I used to do and film with my ex.. my favourite P of all - responsibly, respectfully and woefully destroyed btw)

and the lighting was bad, and the moment just happened so it ended up being straight sex.. which was great! she kissed, and was very passionate, and this in itself clarified something. having only been with partners I've been in love with (and not the same being true for them) I had always found casual sex to be a thing I didn't understand, like I thought the 'passion' that drove casual sex was just a fake kind of love... nope. sex with someone you don't love can feel the same. except the love is just lust. but it's not fake. it was good to experience that. (i don't know if that makes sense)

anyway, the universe intervened, and instead of 2 hrs of filmed kinky porn inspired stuff, it was just 1hr of normal sex, and I had no desire to film it, just to enjoy the experience. the sex was good. i wasn't as potent as I'd like to be, as a proper run of this process of abstinence will get me to be, but ha, passable. and I enjoyed the physical feeling of it all loads. the next day, I had zero urges to binge on P which was interesting..

anyway, not sure if that counts as a relapse at that point. maybe not, but certainly not the right way to deal with pmo urges. and anyway i can't afford that shit. but it happened. so be it.

I had thought at that point that maybe I need to introduce M to my life (with no P or F) - like if i could just get that physical urge out of my system, I would't go down the mad pmo route...obviously I'd rather not M, but M seems preferable to pmo or seeing escorts

anyway fast forward a week and it's a straight up booze / coke binge.. up all night, straight home totally high, with a tunnel vision to PMO.. and at that moment, wired as a kite, there was no way I wasn't going to M to P. no way. would it be different if I'd just release an M the night before to get it out of my system? doubt it.

.. and on it goes..

anyway, contrary to all this, I'm more at one with myself than ever, I accept my place in the universe, I am a speck, and I come from and will return to the infinite, so I feel more and more able to take things with a touch of salt and i know the only important thing is happiness. and this is all the more reaffirmed when i talk to people who are so not at one with the universe and are so selfishly obsessed with their own problems. I definitely don't want to be like that.

so i am happy. and I am resolute as ever. I'll keep bouncing back. So boozing and taking drugs causes my relapses? fine. I am steadily and naturally decreasing alcohol and class A drugs from my life - when i was younger I'd party like every week, now it's weeks without booze, months without drugs.. it will become less and less, but I know me, and when the time is right, no way I'm saying no to good times, partying is one of things I'm best at. and one day I'll wake up with a mad drugs/booze hangover/comedown, and not even think of pmo. fact.

for some reason the usual pmo desire got flipped to finding an escort!

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Yeah – I know this one very well. I kind of "rewired" with an escort before. Quite a few times. I had some quality sex with a sweet, young escort, and we started to talk outside of her job after some time. We were talking about life, hugging, kissing, massaging each other – the girl is wonderful. It's not sustainable for me, but it was a good overall experience, because it showed that I can be cured.

I for sure implemented some of my "fetishes" with her and but had more pleasure from just cuddling, so eventually we ended up cuddling and hugging and kissing for most of the time. Oxitocin is a different "drug" than dopamine, the overall feeling after "normal" sex and intimacy is blissful and stays for longer. Then she left the City to chase her dreams and I was left alone with my hand again.

jankal said:

not sure if that counts as a relapse at that point. maybe not, but certainly not the right way to deal with pmo urges. and anyway i can't afford that shit. but it happened. so be it.

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To me sex with her (young escort) was not a relapse at all at this stage of my recovery, but now it would be. At the very beginning even mo to fantasy about normal sex wasn't a repalse in my eyes. Considering how low is the place I'm coming from it was still a progress. Slowly I moved my slips/relapses up the ladder and if I did it now, it would be a proper relapse.

jankal said:

I had thought at that point that maybe I need to introduce M to my life (with no P or F) - like if i could just get that physical urge out of my system, I would't go down the mad pmo route...obviously I'd rather not M, but M seems preferable to pmo or seeing escorts

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I wouldn't go there myself. Tried before many times, never worked. Always leads to pmo, plus you recover your humping capacities much slower. I say best thing leave it alone. This "physical pressure" in my experience is fabrication of my mind, sophisticated way of your brain to steer you back to square one, where it feels comfy. It ill go away, but requires some work.

jankal said:

it will become less and less, but I know me, and when the time is right, no way I'm saying no to good times, partying is one of things I'm best at. and one day I'll wake up with a mad drugs/booze hangover/comedown, and not even think of pmo. fact.

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I understand you perfectly. In my previous reboot, I tried to avoid strong triggers alltogether. It worked for some time, than surely enough I had some coke/weed parties and relapsed the next day.
Now it's different. I know perfectly well, that I'm going to smoke, and when good powdered protein will appear again, at some point I won't say no. Most of the time I refuse, but with a lot of good friends-combatants the time will come I will say yes to "coke". And when this happens I will be ready, I won't relapse.

I wrote in my journal that I'm rewiring stoned. I'm 27 days clean, probably 20 of those I've been smoking weed/hash, got drunk once. And wait, there is more. I smoke with very attractive women a lot of time, and they look into my eyes, and their body parts are delicious, and their eyes are big and shining .... and I didn't relapse. I thought a couple times about kissing one of them, the one I, well.... really, really, really like. And she has those big eyes, and I thought about kissing her on the cheek and got so hard I could break walls. So this process works. I trust it fully and try building on the foundation Wilson and other guys gave us, customize it.

I feel really stupid trying to give advise to someone while I'm so early in the process. But if I could I'd advise you to stay off the M in any form or shape. Escorts too. And I would do a lot of training on triggers to be ready when the real deal happens. It worked for me.

Hi , I have a very similar fetish. I was always attracted to women in nice clothing, pantyhose and Nylons, even before high speed Internet, when I was little. When I got more and more into PMO I also started to watch foot fetish porn and I thought that was my true fetish. Before I started to reboot I was really into legs with pantyhose, I even crossed streets to get a better look at their legs.
Now I am into reboot for about 5 months and my foot fetish kind of disappeared. I am not really that much into feet anymore
However, I am still totally into pantyhose. And it takes alot of willpower not to look at all those legs in pantyhose. But I don't really think that I will be able to totally get rid of this fetish since I have it that long.
The question is if I should pursue this fetish during my reboot or try to ignore it at all? I will not be able not to look at womens legs for the rest of my life. Also I am not sure to include it in my Sex life with my gf. I tried some stockings stuff with her before the reboot but of course I didn't get an erection. So now I am actually also a bit scared that it won't help anything to get me excited. Right now I am only getting erections with ED drugs.

Elminster - thanks for the post, and apologies for the slow reply.. I've needed to stay away from here for a bit, mainly coz of a bout of fails..

Elminster77 said:

The question is if I should pursue this fetish during my reboot or try to ignore it at all?

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hmm hard for me to give advice on your situation. when i was last in a relationship, my ex was totally up for wearing sexy stuff for me, and did all the time.. and ED wasn't really a problem - i had it, sure, but we always got there, and getting there was half the fun. in retrospect though, the regular pmo'ing however, did have a big influence on why we split up.

So on the one hand I'd say, you've got a girlfriend, sure, stay off the pmo, including anything involving these fetishes, but why not indulge in these things with your other half, and enjoy it for what it is in the real world..

for example, if you don't look at any P with the above fetishes, and resist the urge to look in real life, and you save it and look forward to it as something you only do with your gf, I don't know man, that could be good.. that could help?

*on the other hand*

since that last relationship ended, and I've started this reboot.. I kind of see the fetish differently. of course part of me thinks I'll always be attracted to these things, and that I'll always want to indulge in them when I'm next in a relationship.. but in the meantime, I'm doing my best to avoid it, I know that I need to relinquish myself of all P type stimulus to be fully healed. And the interesting thing is when I'm deep into a month or two of a clean reboot, especially recently, I'm less bothered by it when I see it, and can avoid that second look (and definitely not 'cross the street to get a better look'. oh believe me, I've been there.. and worse..).

I guess the less we M to our fetishes, the less linked those things become, and I guess the bottom line is the reboot means avoiding all visual sexual stimulus.. the goal is to be turned on by the moment, not the visuals or the kink, as we've become oh so accustomed to..

I dunno man, I don't know what's best. is your gf totally up for indulging the fetishes? does she know about the reboot?

and thanks for the words of support as ever jjveetec.. you're an inspiration

hm well, I've had an off couple of weeks.. what saw me straight was working hard on a super busy project, staying off the booze, the motivation of a new start from the New Year etc.. then the job finished, and there were loads of parties and catching up to do, and relapserelapserelapse..

And I think i deserved it, recent posts were arrogant and over confident - I'm so fucking at one with the Universe etc. Humility is key. and I was too at one with the failure. Sure I want to be less hard on myself if I relapse, but being too accepting of it makes the path to slip up all the more accessible..

So I've turned a bit of a corner.. something had to give.. I've been drinking/socialising a lot less since the reboot.. I generally wanted to lay off the booze n drugs coz of the expenditure, and the zero motivation to work/do anything on a hangover, etc.. but the MAIN reason was definitely that I associated the hangover with the relapse, so avoiding socialising to me meant avoiding the PMO thing on the hangover... which I've just realised actually gave more power to PMO and less to me and my will power..

actually I LOVE going out drinking and socialising, and when the things are aligned, I'm happy and outgoing and funny and social, and it's when I'm at my best, and it's by going out that I'll eventually meet someone. I work by myself from home, and there's not much traffic in this room. So I've decided that I'm reclaiming some things. I will go out and party. Booze and drugs may weaken my resolve, but it's still up to me to man up and will it away. The booze and the drugs don't cause the relapse, it's still just lack of will..

So I went out last night, and it was an exercise in moderation. I had a good few units, but called it a night relatively early. I have never done this before. The hangover is weak, I feel good. And I hope can start to build on this when the sessions are heavier..

jjveetec said:

And I would do a lot of training on triggers to be ready when the real deal happens. It worked for me.

I will not be able not to look at womens legs for the rest of my life.

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I've been thinking a lot about this whole thing, the sexual attractiveness of women, its intention, and how it effects us. What was a trigger to one of my recent relapses was going to an Art Gallery (I was being good and cultured and everything!) and ohmygod, super hotties wearing the most ridiculously short skirts, like it was nothing..

It seems so crazy to some of us males.

there's a few things at play here.. I'm trying to become more understanding of the difference between males and females, and what drives us. we've all been groomed since such an early age. The patriarchal design of women's clothing to be sexually stimulating for men; school uniforms, nurses, secretaries, maids, etc all share the skirts and tights (formerly stockings) thing.. Men designed it, women bought it. Then the 60s, 70s, girl power in the 90s, etc took over, and women reclaimed sexy as their own. "fuck you I'll look sexy as hell and show my knickers if I want to etc." and rightly so, everyone has the freedom to do whatever they want. and in that rebellion they unwittingly/(erm or totally wittingly) have fulfilled that which our patriarchy wanted - women looking sexy as men like them to look, but believing they're doing it for themselves. So the Men won, and Women won. (But I can't help but feel like we all lost a little.. )

I remember when I was a teenager, an interview with Liz Hurley, and she was saying how she couldn't wear knee high boots in the UK because everyone thought it was the look of a hooker, but she could in the US, where it was normal. I remember clearly that that was indeed the association in the UK in the mid / late 80s, and it was interesting to track how it trickled through into the normal.

Over the years I've talked to various female friends about it.. it's interesting to note the difference in awareness of the sexiness of what is worn, and there's definitely two camps. One *really* don't see short skirts and hosiery etc as sexy, it's just a matter of fact thing that is worn, and if anything, to them hosiery *covers up* the sexiness -they've been wearing this as uniform since they were children in school. The other half totally do, a few friends have conceded that they know exactly how sexy it is to men. (An ex many many years ago told me how when she was at school, like around 14, her and her friends would hitch up their skirts when a particular, nervous male teacher would walk by... )

nonetheless I have detected confliction - I remember a beautiful friend telling me about her day.. she was feeling shitty, decided to make herself feel better by dressing up sexy, short skirt, black tights, boots (her exact words, not mine, even though that is *exactly my thing*) like she knew this was THE SEXY THING) and she went out on her bike (!), and there were some builders en route, and she knew they'd be ogling, so she risked a much more dangerous route between two big trucks, rather than being seen by the potential oglers. And she felt all the shittier for it. There was such sadness in her voice, and I couldn't help but feel like she would feel more empowered the less archetypally sexy she dressed (you know but still cool, beautiful, womanly etc)

I'm pretty sure this whole thing is going to stay the same within our lifetimes, if not all the more tempting (one day a showing your stocking tops phase will come in, I'm kinda surprised it hasn't yet, it will be normal, but oh my god it will make absolute drooling fools of us older men born in the 60, 70s, 80s..). But we cannot change the world, only our view of it, and how we behave and react to it.

it's all relative. I've come a long way since the reboot.. before I was a complete idiot, SO affected by these things.. and while I still am a bit, and look at these words, I'm definitely still an idiot.. but I'm a world away form the perverted obsessed young man I was.. I notice the fetish, I look away, or at least try to, I don't change my course to get a better look. It's quite empowering to notice a perfect set up, and NOT LOOK AGAIN. (and of course even better not compounding the problem with visual reinforcement online)

and it occurred to me — we wear trousers and shirts because that's what women like. If it was attractive to women for men to wear revealing outfits, HA short skirts and plunging neck lines, you know we all would be..

and another recent thought I had re. the fetish, is if I didn't have this particular one, it would just be something else.. you know like hot women in general, ogling breasts, or whatever.. it's just a version of X being attracted to Y, so I guess that makes me feel a little cooler about the whole thing

what if internet porn never came into existence? I think I'd still have this problem.

When I hit puberty, before I had ever seen any porn, many PMO related habits were already forming themselves. Puberty, the dawn of our sexuality.. it's a weird thing that such a massive part of our lives is so secret, so utterly personal.. there was never any guidance - just young curious boys discovering our own sexuality in private.

when I was 12, it was pop stars and celebrities in magazines. Obviously it was the sexy images with flesh revealed or whatever.. but still, my natural habit formed to laying out my favourite images, spread out, multiple images at the same time ... or staying up for hours and hours watching normal tv hoping for a quick flash of something sexy to record.. many parallels to how we now use internet porn. I was obsessed and it was a huge part of my life, and I'm pretty sure that even if porn and subsequently internet porn hadn't come into the equation, I'd still have had a massive habit to M to imagery or the little snippets of video recorded TV that I found sexy, and I'd have a similar dissociation from normal sex with a girl as I do now.

(and I guess if i was born in the 1920s it would have been ankles or whatever)

We've come from being animals, to primitive beings, to a civilised society where sexual chastity, visual modesty, etc. have been constants (and equally I suppose the desire to fucketh those rules right off and fulfil those carnal desires). .. but it's only since the 50s that we've had this sexual liberalism, and as our society evolves and become more and more liberal, these things were always going to be something to be dealt with, internet porn or no.

I'm not saying life was better before modernisation and those sexual revolutions. definitely not. I just want total equality with my sisters, and those things needed to happen to get us nearer to that but there's loads of stuff that still needs to happen on both sides, and men stopping masterbating to definitely porn is one of them.

I read something in a hindu book a few years ago, it seemed impossible at the time. "to view every woman as your mother, sister or daughter". (i guess with the proviso of "apart from your wife"; ) but wow. damn right. I want this.

We've given up religion, and ultimately rightly so, I think. But that's not to say we don't still need all the things it gave us -spiritual connection to the infinite Universe (which the religious call God, a terribly sullied word), community, moral guidelines, temperance, abstinence, meaning.. little revolutions of mind such as this and the other microcosmic strands of betterment that ripple throughout the world are amazing and testament to a people bettering itself.

not that we aren't without our squalidity, but we must judge society by its top tier, not the bottom rung. It's the forward thinkers, the revolutionaries, the selfless we should focus on as representative of where we are, not the wretched underbelly (infinite Universe, give Peace upon them) but boy am i proud of the good things humans do. there's always been the good fight. this is a good fight, soldiers.

O Lorde, sanctimonious and pious am i indeed today. and speaketh i do in the Lord's tongue : P

Thanks for the reply, yeah my gf knows about my reboot and about my fetish, she is actually willing to wear stuff for me.

It is just like you said when I started masturbating before pmo, I was looking at pages from lingerie catalogues or watching TV Shows hoping to get a glimpse from a pantyhose. I had a teacher who was sometimes wearing that sexy stuff.
I just think pmo kind of inceased that fetish alot, so now I think I might be better staying off these visuals also in the real world. And that this might be better for the reboot.

I haven't looked at porn for about 5 months and I masturbated once. Only sex and fooling around with my gf. And I am trying hard not to look at women's legs in real life, which is very challenging.
But I like your approach with seeing it as something special that I can just share with my gf. One problem is: sometimes I am looking at lingerie stores online or in a shop for stuff that I could buy my gf.

But yeah, I guess you are right, if it wouldn't be for legs/pantyhose, it would be something else that would attract me.

I personally think fetishes are the way to objectify intimacy and I want to level it to the ground zero level. There is a good book "Brain Changes Itself" by Normal Doige. He describes the case of a guy who could climax only when hurting women in some way. He had it since he was a young boy and he rewired completely.

If we talk looking at girls wearing lingerie in public.... I sometimes used to go out of my way to get a better angle.... always feeling that "she must know". I looked at every attractive woman wearing my "target" outfit. Right now I don't have a problem to turn away. Took over 5 weeks to start getting it under control. Also my fetish thoughts are much more rare nowadays. I slowly start to get disinterested .
I also feel that my foot fetish is fading away, and I have it since forever.
I personally think that best way forward is to free myself from any type of objectification. The more I distance myself from it, the better I feel to be honest. Of course I'm far from 100% - I still have some thoughts from time to time or I will catch myself glancing quickly, but it's much better and getting better by the day.

oh lordy went off on one a bit the other day, didn't I...? ah well better out than in. speaking of which, gawd I need to put my **** in something. but not my fucking hand. so I shall do my best to remain committed to the cause, urges notwithstanding..

well i got through last weekend which was pretty boozy, and another couple of hangovers this week. I've been trying to replace the visualisation of worrying about relapsing on a hangover, to one of me wholesome and strong, and getting through it without problems. Anyway, the boozy sessions were pretty light by my standards, no Class A drugs, and I always find it easier at the beginning of a reboot.. so the tests are yet to come.. still.. will keep imagining myself as strong and resistant when hangovers loom

....

thanks for the comments as ever jjveetec and elminster.. again it's tricky to know what to suggest in your case Elminster.. everyone is different - I guess if you can omit p and m from your life, not fixate on the fetish outside of your relationship, and be fully present with your gf, with frills or no, and you and your gf are happy, and you're happy with your sex life, raging boners or not.. then that's all good...

however, there is of course a lot of truth in jjveetec's comments.. and hearing that you've gone 5 months without P and minimal O, which is way better than many here, but you're still having problems and it seems like you are still fixated on and troubled by your fetish... it seems that the fetish has become your porn, however minimally you indulge it.

it depends on what you want out of this. I know I would be very torn in your situation. with my ex, if i had omitted pmo, but maintained the fetish.. well, I reckon we'd have been A-Ok.. I may not have gotten to a point where solid erections came naturally without visual stimulus or kink, but in that relationship, that would have been fine. and i'd certainly have been more potent not pmo'ing ..

if you do want to get natural erections from the moment without any kinks then jjveetec is right.. you need to 'free yourself from any type of objectification'.

either way, definitely try to resist those things in real life outside of the bedroom. And when you're shopping for lingerie or whatever for your gf, keep it quick, don't indulge in it in a porn way - visualise the act as something you're doing for your gf, if anything visualise it on and for her, then pay up and close browser.

and re. resisting looking in real life, it does take time, but the more you resist that second glance / perv, the better it gets.. sure it might take months.. it's taking me years.. but it should do, I've been obsessed with this stuff side I was a kid, but I'm a world away from where I was a couple of years ago, and I'm getting better and stronger .. yep if there's the 'target' outfit, it's all the harder to resist, and sometimes I still cave, but on the good days I can ignore it now and feel empowered by not looking again..

got through a binge/hangover a couple of days ago. a step forward for me for sure. coke and booze til the morning etc., and to add insult to the injury, there was a super hot girl out wearing the target outfit, (thanks jjveetec, i'm using that one).. like one in 10 months perfect... ridiculously sexy... just after i'd boshed the first massive line... the image of her completely did my head in, spun me out, and I spent the hangover having to try and shake off the image. still was a fun night.

and this time the rhetoric was a little different, somehow a conscious decision of knowing I positively wasn't going to .. urges came and I nudged them away..

anyway not wanting to be complacent. had more drinks yesterday, and today is day off, home alone, come down after a big job finishing etc.. need to stay vigilant.

10 second peek earlier. Don't know what came over me. And then later, now, fantasies ebbing in. And I've realised fantasising often starts with thinking about my ex and what we used to do.. Need to get that stuff out of my head as much as the p.

ups and downs. the urges stem mostly from boredom. a big project finished, in limbo, down-time is overrated - I need to immerse myself in something..

i work for myself in the craft I love which i guess is all i've ever wanted but i'm starting to think I need more. money yes, there is no stability being a freelance artist, and I'm skint again, but moreover social interaction, structure, a sense of honest hard graft.. all feel like healthy things to have in one's life..

ups and downs. the urges stem mostly from boredom. a big project finished, in limbo, down-time is overrated - I need to immerse myself in something..

i work for myself in the craft I love which i guess is all i've ever wanted but i'm starting to think I need more. money yes, there is no stability being a freelance artist, and I'm skint again, but moreover social interaction, structure, a sense of honest hard graft.. all feel like healthy things to have in one's life..

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Hi Jankal,
I know the feeling. I resolved it by expanding some of my hobbies + took on some new routines: more sports, eating healthy shit (and a lot of research I put into it to find out), I'm learning new skill to set myself free from day-to-day job, read on brain plasticity, started to run proper diary and many more.
Down-time is not only overrated - I think it's a killer. I bought in to that "relax after hard work" bullshit before and it never did me any good. I defnitely had wrong ideas about what relaxation means - so I watched some crap movies, went to parties and usually ended up 10x more stressed. "Idle handsd may be the davil's work" an artist sings.....

yeah man, completely.. i feel so tense after a day off.. the old response to being exhausted form a job / hungover from partying- take the whole day off, fester in bed, takeaways and junk tv.. slowly learning that I don't even want it.. better to go out, do stuff, go home knackered, go to sleep..

I go for walks very day.. sometime up to 3 hrs long.. just following my feet.. it's kind of a meditative exercise (I struggle with sit down meditation at the moment).. and of note, in the old days when I walked I was in part 'on the lookout' for the target outfits etc., but it's quite the opposite now..

but yes, filling your day with routine and positive action is good.. i need to bolster my daily activities up a bit

doing ok. managing to keep the urges at bay on hangovers. enjoying going out more, even if it includes alcohol. tomorrow will be a test though, tonight's probably going to be heavy with all the trappings. maintaining that resolve to know i'm not going to

phew. got through the comedown / hangover.. it wasn't easy; urges, fantasies kept trying to come through.. but I kept pushing them away. it wasn't as heavy a session as it could be, not as much coke in play as normal, and I managed to pass out and sleep for a few hours which probably helped.. and hopefully good training for when it is one of those 4 gram all nighters..

and generally, it feels like I've generally changed my habit in relation to alcohol.. now normal hangovers don't automatically lead to a relapse .. more thoughts and urges for sure than when I'm sober, but I know I'm not going to .. which means I'm enjoying a social drink more often..

oof and then a weird couple of days. thinking about (and looking online for) escorts. like i really don't want to cum to porn, but really, really want sex (with a subconscious desire to fulfil porn based desires, I'm sure). then a bit of looking at hot girls on youtube today.. didn't last long, but still i shouldn't have.

all out of no where. well i guess all the fantasising and trying not to on my hangover/comedown day brought it all to the fore. battled fantasising a lot about my ex and the stuff we did. and then missing the love type feelings. pure comedown shit. guess I'm still not over her after all these years. and I'm at this weird place where I can't/shouldn't wish for all the things I used to do and love doing with her on my next girlfriend as it's all porn related, so another reason why I hark after all of that and why it's hard to let go and look to the future.

well i guess all this is just a reminder to stop thinking so obsessively about sex, love, and women. i'm at my best when i'm not.

and need to reaffirm being a bit stronger at pushing bad habits away, even / especially the milder not quite classed as a relapse actions. just as dangerous and harmful to the reboot.

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