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Is there hope I wonder.

Sunday 7th. I am going through this disability form I had help with filling in hospital. I had left the address blank because I wanted a place of my own in Ballina. I thought I could survived there on my own until Daniel could arrive here. Unfortunately all this paperwork we have to go through so that Daniel could be with me (as he lives outside Europe) for over two years takes time and that is one thing a person who need aftercare does not have. I fill in my parents address and gave the form another going over. I discover that the radiations consultant who filled in my diagnoses a Pro Sullivan, put down fit for work and training and mention I was recovering from prostate, MRSA and a spinal compression tumour. No mention of advance prostate cancer, of what the Castlebar hospital Consultant told me over the phone on that Friday that my cancer had moved into my spine and a tumour had form on my spine.

Thermal cancer patient are not fit for work. I was stunned by this, as how could he make such a mistake when in his report he mentions all the prognosis that I have been through, each which would have taken large part of time away from my work. I lost my chance of getting into CIE because of this on-going problem, with holding onto work and receiving treatment at the same time. And what about this diagnose made out to me on that Friday, was I thermal or not?

In one way, I was beginning to think very good thought that it might not be as bad as I was told first, then why was I going in for chemotherapy. The next meeting in Galway Cancer Hospital is on the 11th of this month. I decided for once and for all get this in writing what my position is. Why I might not get disability benefit and I will be the only person in Ireland who has a case for it; I will be more than delighted if I did not; if my prognosis that I thought was, was not, all I need then, was a job. It would help me pull myself out of this hole that I am in, a hole that has driven me to offload all most everything I have earned for myself in saving, vehicles and property I had to keep my head above water. I do not receive any state benefit yet. If I cannot get work then I have no choice like everyone else but to draw.

Today is Monday 8th July 2013. All night I spoke to Daniel on this. Could it be good news or am I just getting my hopes to high. They did say it’s more likely on my bones if it got into my spine. That how the conversation went all night and it was having its tool on Daniel. How I hate how this baster has entered into our life. We had happy thought of what was coming our way and we were planning for it. Then cancer enter and now it’s taking over.

Up again at 4:30am as my sleep patterns are effected with all this crap medication that I have to take from now on. They say in time my body will adapt and I will return to my regular sleep patents. I was feeling very good this morning like there was a chance that things might not be as bad. The good thing about summer it is bright and a wonderful time to be up, you have the world to yourself and this week the weather is outstanding.

Today I have to organise my medication with my local doctor so that I can order it from my chemist. All this list of medication Galway Hospital handed to me to hand into the Ballina Hospital seem very long to me; however, we will see. At 9:30am I head over to my doctor. I decided to walk, even though I am not to stable on my feet. I need to get up standing as this is good, sitting down or lying in bed is not good for the body. I make it to discover the doctor was still not there, despite a very large que. I did not want to put myself in more danger sitting in a doctors waiting room, so I walk back home again. It was an ordeal that took a lot out of me physically to my surprise. After a short rest, I was all pump up with doing this little thing that I decided to see could I manage a bit of small cleaning in the kitchen, which had been neglected while I was not there. Then I got more ambitious and decided to see could I manage the hover and so it went which with a little help from my father we managed to wash the dog to. I try the doctor surgery this time with luck; however, just to leave in my list of medication for them to interpret and again I called back to pick up the list of prescribed medication for me. I then decided to try to walk towards pharmacy in the small Village of Killala to collect my prescription. When I handed it across the counter, I could see there was a lot of staring at my list. It seem very large and it cost me €36 in total, despite me having an untreatable cancer. Two large paper bag arrived on the counter. I looked in shocked and had a very hard time trying to control my emotions from braking down there. I thought to myself look what this baster cancer has brought my way, all this crap been pump into me because of it. The girl behind the counter said nothing; however, she knew from the look of my face what I must have been thinking. She has seen me when I did not have cancer.

I walk out of the chemist towards my home carrying these two large bags in one hand. It was a beautiful sunny evening and across the road a neighbour shouted, some nice words; however, I just broke down crying and carry on with just a wave. I could not stop crying, I know everyone passing in their cars must have thought I was mad. I just could not understand why life has done this to me. It did me good, because I carry on home regardless and thought to myself if they were going through what I am at this moment they would probably do the same. It seem that people in time move away from people who are been pulled into the grave by a sickness that they have no control off, you feel it at moments like this; however, I have notice a very strong person inside me that always comes to my rescue and that happen again today. I cop on to myself and said we will just get on with our self and make this work.

When I arrived home I went through each item in the comfort of my home. There was no instructions apart from what was on the medication containers. Working from this I could make out what to take. I did not get any instructions from my GP office; however, that not unusual. I always felt that I was not getting the proper aftercare from them. The attitude from the reception does not encourage asking questions. I discovered that as I went thought early item that this was the same list that one hospital to another pass on and that my GP did not make out the right list for me. It was up to them to check it out as they had plenty of time when I first dropped in my copy I received from Galway Hospital.

What they did was used the same list. I ask my father to drive me back into the Village again, as all this walking was beginning to tyre me out. Again like an Angle he did. One and a half bags went back and that took a big strain of my shoulders. I now have two extra drugs to add to the third to take in my life to slow down this baster that try to take my life from me. This on top of 48 sessions of radiation and soon chemotherapy. My day was almost over: however, I felt so good been what I was rather than this person lying to a bed for a whole week not allowed up and then the experience of my recover hospital. No, I will keep control of my life for as long as I can before I let these well-meaning people take over; from that day, I will wish death onto me.