Wednesday, 6 February 2013

#DearAssholes: Kulula.com

I'm not one to bring anybody down, we all know that I would always rather commend than the contrary but holy shit balls, Kulula has me fuming. So many things have me fuming lately, and most people know me to be the happiest girl in the world. I usually have my rants on Twitter but 140 characters is just not enough to communicate my disdain. so TMC might just get a regular #DearAssholes post.

This is not the first time that I have paid through my nose for a Kulula flight only to have it delayed and leave me stranded at the airport with no compensation for my time lost, my transport from my final destination and my hungry tummy.

So when I arrived with 15 minutes to spare for boarding, I grabbed my usual soya milk cappuccino from vida and sipped casually, reading my kindle. See, I like to check in online so I'm guaranteed an aisle seat (I pee a lot...which could be my caffeine intake) and this saves me from running in heels to a check in counter with little hope that I make the check in time - yes I've made this mistake enough times, although it's only ever for those dreadful red eye flights. I'm the ultimate phaffer when I get up so early. Whilst that is not a lie, the truth is I can sleep through painfully loud alarms. Unbelievable but true.

Anyhow, I digress. At the designated time of boarding, we stood in an immense queue for half an hour without any explanation from anybody as to what was causing the delay. Eventually, a woman called out ever so casually "there is a broken tubing so they can't get it to attach to the airplane inaudible nonsense, inaudible nonsense inaudible nonsense." Gee thanks for that garbage of an explanation. Nek minnit (next minute) there is an announcement that our gate has been changed. Inaudible is the way at OR Tambo, so many irritable passengers made their way into the closest queue to CT, this unfortunately being a totally different airline. Then came the biggest cock up, the time displayed on the departures list reflected 18:45. Bearing in mind that our flight was meant to depart at 17:15 this was an hour and a half delay of which zero explanation had been offered.

Fuming, I tried to cool my head when contacting my hot date to let her know that my flight was delayed where she encouraged me to find the nearest glass of wine. That's why I love my dear Cara, always helping me in my panicked state. Oh, and did I mention that my battery was on its last leg and I don't eat after 7pm? #assholes.

So I located the nearest bar and ordered a glass of Pinotage and pulled out my computer so that I could at least use my time productively. Luckily I received my meal and drink in short procession because at 18:10 another inaudible announcement was made that now the flight was boarding. Like wtf, now it was a desperate scramble to get the waitress' attention, the bill and the bloody swipe machine alongside a million fellow passengers that had had the same idea as yours truly. I felt particularly sorry for the lady that had just received her gin and tonic.

Rush rush rush we went to join yet another queue where Kulula compensated its passengers with, wait for it, wait for it, wait for it - I mean for goodness sake I had to - a Ceres juicebox. An apple juice. Seriously? Bring me my Jameson's bitch. So from that queue to another queue on that tunnel/tubing before finally taking a seat on the aircraft. And as usual, the wonderful air staff not monitoring the luggage compartments, there was no space for my teensy (yes believe it) hand luggage in the compartment above my seat. This confuses me, I always sit in the front rows and there were only four people seated so far, and with the new limitations on hand luggage I just don't understand how all the compartments could have been filled already.

Finally having found space for my bag, I was seated. The captain then greeted those of us who had heard the announcement to explain the delay. His tone was lighthearted and he tried to be funny, but he was just that tiny bit too late. Not to mention that we didn't pay this much to hear some pathetic attempt at comedy. Explaining that the previous aircraft was broken and that we were still waiting for further passengers to board was just not going to cut it. He mentioned that we could use our phones so I took the opportunity to photograph him.

Eventually, everybody that was supposed to be on the plane was seated but oh it didn't stop there. Turned out we were number 5 in the queue to take off so let's add another 15 minute delay. Although the only person that seemed to share my disgruntlement was fellow 3A, the rest of the plane seemed in good spirits and a few applauded when the plane finally took off. Must be that some people don't have places to be at our destination.

Either way, I'm bitterly disappointed by Kulula. I am truly fearful for my return trip whereby I have a 12:45 flight and a 16:00 meeting following my landing. If this is anything to go by, I might be facing employment termination. Gawd, I miss 1time.