Communicating your sexual desires

Q. “I have been with my boyfriend for three years and we have never talked about sex. I am unhappy with our sex life and want to talk to him about it, but I am scared. Should I tell him how unhappy I am with our sex life?”

A.Most couples find that talking about sex is one of the more difficult conversations to have in a relationship. However, sex is an important aspect of an intimate relationship. Keep in mind that out of the five aspects in any relationship — the physical, emotional, spiritual, financial and sexual — the sexual aspect is the only part of a relationship that separates an intimate relationship from just being family or friends.

Prior to talking to your partner, it is important to be aware of your own feelings regarding sex. The goal is to be able to voice your desires and expectations and to know the same of your partner. When talking to your partner about sex, keep these things in mind:

• Be honest with your partner. Don’t say what you think your partner may want to hear or what you should say. Know what your wants and desires are, and communicate them to your partner.

• Timing is important. Don’t bring up problems with your sex life while you’re having sex, as this may lead to frustration and disappointment. Find a time where both of you are relaxed and open to a conversation without any distractions.

• Avoid the blame game. Talk about how you feel and what it is that you want. Stay away from blaming each other for the problems and work together to find solutions to improve your sex life.

• Clearly communicate what you want and avoid sending mixed messages. Listen to what your partner has to say and ask questions to get clarity on anything you don’t understand.

• Have respect. Don’t interrupt your partner while they are speaking and avoid talking down to them as this will only put them on the defensive and destroy any chance for having a productive conversation.

Hopefully your sex talk with your partner will be one that not only resolves the sexual problems but helps you both feel closer, making your relationship stronger. For more information visit my website at www.coastaltherapist.com IF you have a relationship question, send me an email at michelle@coastaltherapist.com. Your question may be answered in one of my upcoming advice columns.