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What to Do When Friends, Co-workers, or Acquaintances Drop Not-So-Subtle Hints About Wanting a Wedding Invite

Soon after I got engaged, a college friend I had lost touch with was in town, so we met up for a drink. Of course, my wedding plans came up, as much as I didn’t want them to since I didn’t plan on inviting her. Then she flat-out asked, “Am I invited?” What did I tell her?

I never got the chance to say anything! Before I could respond, she rattled off a few nice presents she had bought for couples whose weddings she had recently attended, as if to say, “If you invite me, I’ll get you an expensive gift, too.” I was so stunned and speechless, she eventually said, “It’s OK. You don’t have to invite me.” I was thrilled to have an out, but it was still SO awkward.

Had I not gone mute (and had the luxury of time to think up responses like I do now!), here’s what I may have told her:

"I wish I could invite everyone I’ve ever been friends with." In this case, we were friends, but had been downgraded to mere acquaintances because of distance and bad keeping-in-touch skills (I don’t think either of us were on Facebook yet!). A statement like the above would send the message that, while we may have been close once, we’re not anymore, so she shouldn’t expect anything from me in the mail. If you honestly don’t know if the person asking will make the cut, try:

"I haven’t made the guest list yet, so I don’t have an answer for you." This leaves the door open to inviting this person, but doesn’t make a promise you may not be able to keep. If she asks you what you’re leaning toward, just repeat: “I don’t have an answer for you.” That should make her back off. Or the more evasive, “Wedding planning is so stressful. I hope it’s OK if we talk about something else now.”

If the person asking never had a prayer of being invited, say:

"We’re restricting our guest list to close friends and family." There’s really no room for misunderstanding with this one: The person should get that you don’t consider her to be a close friend. Careful before you break this one out--it could hurt the asker’s feelings if she thought you were tight.

And here’s one I use when my friends ask brides this annoying question in front of me:

"You’re not supposed to ask that!" Often, the people who ask this question don’t realize that they’re putting the bride in an awkward position. So if you’re ever present for another’s faux pas, feel free to let the bride know she doesn’t have to answer that question--and smack the asker upside the head. (JK, Save the Date does not promote violence against anyone--not even those without social graces.)

Has anyone asked you if they’re invited to your wedding? What did you tell them? Who was the most random person to ask about their invitation status?