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Are you angry with someone?

Are you angry with someone? I’m not talking about just being cross, or slightly upset. I am talking about deep seated rage. If you do feel this inner temper, or rather turmoil, it will impair your life in many ways. Like it does mine. It clouds your happiness and makes you feel ‘stuck’ in a very restless space. The person you are angry with will show no remorse at all, or some might even apologise. They may continue to lead a normal life but not you. People will tell you,”forgive and forget”. But can you? Easier said, than done.

I am angry…but with ‘whom’? That is a secret embedded in my heart. I have never spoken about how I feel, not until right now. Every single day of my life, I feel infuriated when I think about this person, who I will call “X”. And I think about X at least once during the day, if not more. Whenever I do I want to ‘explode’. I want to scream. Or sometimes when it builds up too much I just get choked and cry. When the vision of X’s face comes in front of me, my breadth quickens, my teeth clench, my body stiffens, and my eyes sting.

Many times, I have tried to close my fists tight and count to ten, hoping to settle the stormy wave inside me but it does not help. Infact, when I close my fist I want to punch X. So hard. Right where it hurts the most. Have you ever felt this way? Here are ‘three’ other people, besides me, who do.

The other day, I was at a cafe with someone very dear to me. I hadn’t met her in a while. She looked a little disturbed and fidgety, not her usual affable self. “Is something the matter?” I asked her casually. But what she told me next, made me cringe. Her daughter, a nine-year-old, had confessed something to her. She was being ‘touched’, by her cousin brother and it was a bad touch. He was staying with them for a few years. And whenever the mother was away he would ‘play’ with the girl. For three years she thought it was a secret game, but then she realised that it was a ‘sick’ one! The angry mother sipped her coffee, tears rolling down her cheeks. “How dare he? My own sister’ s son. I just told him to leave the house. But I want to kill him”, she said, her eyes flaming-red.

In a different city, another story was unfolding. “I’m really sorry” is all he told her, as she packed up to leave. But for her the whole world had collapsed. It had come crashing down like a pack of cards. The dream she had from the time she was a young girl, marrying a handsome prince and living happily ever after, was destroyed. This is what happened. He was too scared to ‘come out’ in the open. Besides his dominating mom would never allow it. Being gay? In such a conservative family? No way. So he went ahead and married her. He would have to sacrifice his carnal desires. He tried. But he couldn’t. So then he told her the truth, and said he wanted a divorce. “How the hell could he do this to me? I want to slap him across his face…take him to court!”, she screamed on the phone, as I tried to calm her down.

“Bhaiya stop it”, he begged his older brother to stop teasing him. He was having enough difficulty trying to pass his exams in school. He didn’t need this constant harassment! But his bhaiya was a bully who derived immense pleasure from putting him down. “You stupid boy, you will fail again. You are a loser”, he would snigger. Why couldn’t he study? Maybe his brother was right, and he was stupid. This time when he failed again, he couldn’t take the embarrassment.
He hung himself from the ceiling fan. When my chauffeur was narrating this incident about the two brothers, who were his own nephews, I could see fire burning in his eyes. I can only imagine the rage that the parents felt…one son killing the other, with his taunts!

All these incidents are not connected to me, nor have they happened to me. Yet I can feel the intense anger that the people involved experience. Just like I feel about X. It is the other persons fault but we can do nothing. We can seek revenge. We can make a noise. We can cut the person out from our life. But it will yet not get us back on track, or undo the damage. So then what is the point?

Day by day, this negative emotion gets pent up in my heart built up in my mind and fills my system. Sometimes I think about X when I am having the best times, and then it all goes down hill from there. Or when I’m doing something important, I get completely distracted and lose focus. The worst is when I become venomous and take out my frustration on other people. I know it’s unnecessary. I know it’s unfair! But I cannot let it go. What about ‘forgiveness’? Don’t I have it in me? Not for X. And I’m sure all the people I have spoken about earlier, have no wish to pardon either. How can we?

But the bitter truth is that we have to. For our own sake. For the sake of our loved ones around us. Because one day this anger will get the better of us. Like poison it will get into our veins. And then it will be too late. I’m not saying that I will ‘forgive’. And I know I can’t ‘forget’. But I have to figure out a way. X has to stop affecting my life. I pray to god to give me the strength, and also to all those people out there, who are angry with someone.

DISCLAIMER : Views expressed above are the author's own.

Author

A first time author, Shweta Sehgal has a sudden desire to 'connect' with the world through her thoughts and experiences. A post graduate from the London School of Economics she is intellectual, intense, and interesting. She blogs about 'everyday life' in the city... from kids to karwachauth... emotions to exercise... mothers-in-law to mohitos... hubbies to Herves… and takes you with her through the 'chaos and charm' of it all! ShweShwe will add that 'chutzpah' to your day while you curl up on the couch with your 'chai'!

A first time author, Shweta Sehgal has a sudden desire to 'connect' with the world through her thoughts and experiences. A post graduate from the London Sch. . .

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Author

A first time author, Shweta Sehgal has a sudden desire to 'connect' with the world through her thoughts and experiences. A post graduate from the London School of Economics she is intellectual, intense, and interesting. She blogs about 'everyday life' in the city... from kids to karwachauth... emotions to exercise... mothers-in-law to mohitos... hubbies to Herves… and takes you with her through the 'chaos and charm' of it all! ShweShwe will add that 'chutzpah' to your day while you curl up on the couch with your 'chai'!

A first time author, Shweta Sehgal has a sudden desire to 'connect' with the world through her thoughts and experiences. A post graduate from the London Sch. . .