While I am not a teenager (I am 22), I thought this would be the best section to post my question. I have a friend (we'll call her Ashley) who I've been close with for at least 8 years. She and I were friends in middle school and became a lot closer as we entered high school. Things dwindled during undergrad because she moved to another city and she isn't the best at responding to messages or answering phone calls. It got to the point where I got tired of reaching out to her and receiving no answer or acknowledgement at all, which to me demonstrates disregard or concern for me as a person, and I don't appreciate it. It makes me feel ignored or unwanted. I've talked to my therapist about this and she thinks it has to do with family/dad issues that I hadn't yet dealt with. While it helped to know why I was so bothered by being ignored, I still get upset by it. Anyway, while my friend has made somewhat of an effort to become more involved in my life since we both graduated from college and she moved back home, it is difficult for me to reach out to her because I fear that she's either going to ignore me or take forever to respond, and it gets me worked up. I don’t' like feeling that way so I figure it's not worth the headache anymore. I always have to check in with her and see how she's doing, and another friend of mine mentioned this as well. He said he realized he doesn't talk to her unless he contacts her first. So I figure "Why bother?" But then I think about all of the good things she has done and how much I actually do enjoy hanging out with her, and I give her more chances.

For example, two weeks ago I found out some pretty devastating news. I texted Ashley because I needed to talk to someone who would understand. Talking to her really helped, and it made me realize that despite how rude she is, she's actually good person to talk to when you really need someone to listen.

I try to calm myself down by saying "It's just the way she is," but just because someone behaves a certain way, that's not necessarily right, is it? I mean, she has done some pretty questionable things. Recently she invited me and our mutual guy friend to her place for dinner. We were going to make a dish we had been craving for a while. She told us what time to come over and said she wanted to have everything started by a certain time. I was under the impression that we were going to go to her house and start cooking (that's what she told me—she said her boyfriend would probably be at her place at 7:30 or 8 and that's when she wanted to have everything at least started). We went to her place (I brought some drinks and snacks) and she told us that she needed to go to the store. We went to one grocery store to buy ingredients, and then we went to another store because the other store was sold out. I didn't mind because I was just along for the ride.

THEN we went back to her place and her mother called asking if she was going to her house. My friend randomly says "Yeah, we're supposed to go to my mom's house later." My guy friend asked "Uh, do we need to leave?" because we felt like we were intruding. I had no idea she had plans. I thought we were having dinner and hanging out at her place. She said "No, we can cook and eat. You can come with us if you want to." I told her I'd go but in the end I was tired and decided to go on home. But we literally cooked, ate, and left because she was going to her mom's. We seriously ate, talked for a little while, and then she went to put her coat on. It felt…weird. Why invite us over if you had other plans? And I thought "Maybe she didn't know her mom wanted her to come over until after she invited us to her place," but either way she could've texted us and said "Hey, so I'm going to my mom's later so I'd like to have everything done by X time." She just doesn't think that way, I guess.

I'm writing today because I find myself very upset at the moment. I texted her last night at around 10 (which in her defense is pretty late), so I didn't expect a response at that very minute or even that night. I checked my phone today at 6 and got nothing. I texted her again at around 9 and asked her if she got my text. Nothing. I don't get her, and to be quite honest it burns me up. Before she got back from school I didn't care because she was nonfactor and I had accepted the fact that she was just rude and honestly I didn't even want to be friends with her anymore. Once she came back home and made an effort (started inviting our mutual guy friend and I out, texting us more, etc.) it's like I let my guard down, and now I'm downright angry with myself for falling for it and thinking she had changed. It's like I get anxious before texting her because I know there's a 50/50 chance she'll treat me like a decent human being and respond.

Do you think I should talk to her about the things she does or am I overreacting?

ANSWER: you know what to expect from her by the past so why keep putting yourself thru this depression anxiety.move on and stop chasing her,she is sending u red flags,signals and just don't wanna hurt you, she is not interest in you like you is in her.sounds more like your just a friend to her. Like one of her girl friends more or less. she's not worth it and its unhealthy.“When she dumps on you, why the heck are you giving her a free pass?you shouldn’t call Jasmine again. Why would you want to beg her for attention when it’s obvious that she doesn’t want to give you any? When a woman leaves two of your calls unreturned, the ballgame is over. Not chasing a girl when she won’t give you the time of day has nothing to do with being a Macho Boy. Like my cousin General Love says, “It just means you still have a few shreds of dignity left.”Stop Chasing Someone Who’s Not Choosing You Back!move on,free urself from her,stop appearing as Needy,t there is a line between wooing someone because you are mutually interested in relationship and convincing someone to be in a relationship with you when they are not looking for one.as a friend she will be there to advice or help u but that's it.n you are entering into what I call relationship gaming. It starts when we start to ignore our top values and our ego comes in and says, “I want what I want and I’m going after it.” You then start thinking of ways to manipulate, convince and strategize your actions to get what you want. There is nothing wrong with relationship gaming if you want to build a relationship based on strategy rather than authenticity. But if you want an authentic, intimate, spiritual partnership, get out of the game.I also challenge you to be honest about how much you truly value commitment. If you are chasing after someone who does not want to commit and judging that the other person has fear of commitment, look in the mirror. If you truly value commitment, why are you going after someone who doesn’t? The truth is that you may fear commitment also. As much as you say you want someone to be in a loving, intimate and committed relationship with you, part of you may not think it’s possible. Maybe you’ve been hurt in the past by a committed relationship and unconsciously you are putting effort into a relationship that will never become committed as a way to protect yourself. Or perhaps you have some limiting beliefs about your worthiness, which are fueling your pattern of chasing after crumbs. And as much as you want to receive love, there is something about it that scares you.We often get so mesmerized with the attributes of a person (i.e. what they look like, their personality, what they do in the world, etc.) that we overlook their values and what they are actually telling us they want! And when you do “get” them, you may not even want them because you’re probably more in love with the fantasy than the actual person. Furthermore, don’t you want the experience of choosing AND being chosen? Are convincing and chasing really part of the love story that you want to tell?

We’ve all heard stories about serial daters and commitment phobes who finally change when they meet their “match.” But here is what I have observed about this phenomenon: it is true that we can be catalysts for another person’s change, but in most cases in order to be that catalyst we have to be totally unattached to being it. Let’s go back to the “person with a lot of options” type. Even those types fall in love and settle down, but usually not with someone who went into the relationship tolerating his/her lack of commitment and with a motive to change him/her. It is detachment, acceptance and honoring our own truth that often creates the inspiration for someone to find the truth within his/herself. That said, don’t try to strategize about how to be unattached about changing someone, hoping they will change — that is still attachment!My encouragement to you is to be ruthlessly honest with yourself about whether or not you are dating or chasing. You are worthy of a relationship that you do not have to chase after. You deserve feeling peace in your relationship. You are deserving of someone who shares your values. You have a huge heart with so much love to give and if someone isn’t “choosing” you, why do you keep choosing him/her?!?!?

Take back your power and pursue a relationship with wooing but not chasing. Choose wisely someone who will choose you back. Most importantly, choose to honor and respect yourself first. Trust that we all have a lot of options when it comes to relationships, but that the one relationship we MUST have is the one with ourselves. If you want to attract a wonderful, loving partner who treats you the way you want to be treated, you will do that when you love yourself and treat yourself with respect, kindness and love. So stop running after someone else. Choose you. Pick you. Chase you.good luck

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Wow. Umm, while I appreciate your response, I think you may have misunderstood what I was asking. This person is not someone I am romantically interested in. We have been friends for a while. I am not homosexual, nor is she. I just have an issue with how rude she is. I am not trying to "woo" my friend nor am I trying to become involved in a "dating" type of relationship with her.

You're right about one thing though: I am coming off as needy, which is why I have to work hard to stop contacting her and just accept her as she is, and I guess hear from her when she wants to talk versus hounding her about ignoring my messages.

Again, thank you for the response but I think you completely misunderstood what I was asking and the nature of the situation.

Have a good day!

Answeru said it
You're right about one thing though: I am coming off as needy, which is why I have to work hard to stop contacting her and just accept her as she is, and I guess hear from her when she wants to talk versus hounding her about ignoring my messages.

Questioner's Rating

Rating(1-10)

Knowledgeability = 6

Clarity of Response = 1

Politeness = 1

Comment

Again, the expert responded in a manner that wasn't quite clear. I wrote back to inform her that she misunderstood my question, but I thanked her and said she was right about one thing she wrote. Her response was "U said it," and a pasted comment about her being right about one thing in her response.
I'm not sure if I caught her on a bad day or what, but this has to have been one of the most disappointing experiences I've had on this site. I will still give a 6 for knowledgeability, but clarity and politeness have gone from a 5 and a 9 to scores of 1. I also wrote in to the site administrator to let them know that while I understand these experts are a mixture of experienced professionals and volunteers from all walks of life, this particular expert has failed to respond in a manner that is clear, professional, and helpful.
I will avoid asking this expert any questions in the future.

Deb

Expertise

communicating,relationships of any kind.
One of the hardest things to do when you're communicating with someone is expressing yourself.Fret not I am here to give advice or and ask any questions,
some people have a fear of expressing themselves at all. They're afraid to say something that might cost them a friendship. Or they bottle everything up tight and seize up at the mere thought of sharing their true emotions.Tips/advice/
1.If you have a fear of people, people will avoid you. It's a vicious cycle. You avoid people because you fear that they will hurt you. People see your aloofness, and either think the worst (that you're stuck up), or grant your desire and leave you alone. Then you wonder why it is that no one likes you.
2.When you can't open up to people, people will feel that you are unapproachable. You'll have a hard time getting close to people when you bottle everything up inside. Your relationships will all be shallow.
3.Your inability to express yourself will haunt you in times of trouble. You'll need help, you'll want help, but you won't seek it. You'll hide. So, no one helps you. Then you grow resentful and angry.
4.Another danger is that of isolation. You build walls around your emotions and people instinctively leave you alone. That might be what you wanted at first, but your life will be barren, and empty. Life is relationships. The stronger your relationships the more joy you'll have in life. No matter if it is with your mate, God, children, neighbors, co-workers, friends, relatives, or even yourself, you must learn to express yourself.How to Express Yourself
More Clearly and Completely
Social anxiety,shyness,low self esteem/confidence,motivation,encouragement ,how to overcome fear,how to express self;how to observe people in conversation carefully,

Experience

Masters Degree in Counselling Psychology;
Words have meaning to us. Subtle differences in each word will convey a slightly different idea. Huge and gigantic have subtle differences,our actions[body language/
Words have the power to give life and death...especially in relationships.
So it is important that you learn to express yourself. You must learn to convey your thoughts, ideas, dreams, ambitions, hopes and emotions to those that you share a relationship with. Your inability to do so, will damage your relationships.For years I have enjoyed helping people when it comes to any kind of communication