How to Get and Keep a Jamaican Man (or Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Yard Man)

Written by Cool an Deadly on 18 September 2014. Hits: 11012

From time to time my female friends have asked me for advice on how they can find themselves a good Jamaican man. I usually tell them “go ask my girlfriend” but, truthfully, I’m not sure she actually knows how she ended up with me. If you ask me it was pure dumb luck on her part but if you ask her she’ll probably say it was punishment for her sins. That said, for those of you who are looking for a more strategic approach, I’m going to share with you my insights on how you can get and keep a Jamaican man.

First of all ladies, please be advised that there is no shortgage of Jamaican men. In fact there is no shortage of good, eligible Jamaican men. Trust me on this. The real difficulty is that Jamaican women have no clue where to find these men, no idea what to do once they’ve found them, and no idea how to keep them once they have them.

If you want to find a good Jamaican man then go where the Jamaican men are. Its really annoying when Jamaican women sit around at the hairdresser, on their mother’s verandah and at their friend Keisha’s house and wonder why they cant get a man. Read my lips – is because ah nuh deh so di man dem deh. The men are playing football, watching cricket or having a drink somewhere. If this is the case, and I’m telling you that it is, why not find yourself at football/cricket/drinks? You don’t have to love football but, just as an example, there are any number of six-a-side football games on the campus of UWI and UTECH on a Saturday afternoon and all of them are teeming with future lawyers, doctors, engineers; all of them with six pack abs and nice calves. If that’s the case, why wouldn’t you take an hour out of your Saturday afternoon to put yourself in their line of sight? And no, this wont make you look desperate to the other girls. The other girls wont see you because the other girls are at the hairdresser complaining about their non-existent love lives while you’re busy taking your pick of the ballers with the sexy legs.

Having told you where you should go to meet men I also need to tell you where not to go. Do not go to parties, sessions and dances jam-packed with hot young girls in their sexiest outfits. Why? Because there’s too much competition and unless you’re damn near amazing you’re not going to stand out enough to get the attention of the man you want. Yes, we know you think you’re amazing but there’ll be other amazing girls at the party too. Why compete head-to-head with them if you don’t have to? A beach party full of bikini-clad hotties is what we men call a “target rich” environment and in such an environment we’ll overlook a lot of girls, even the ones who think they’re exceptional, so its best you give these events a pass. However, if you feel obliged to go to these events and you usually travel with a friend who is a cross between Yendi Phillips and Lisa Hanna, then leave her sexy ass at home. She will flop your show and make you look homely by comparison.

Once you’ve found a competition-free zone and have identified your target you need to let him know you’re interested. Too many women believe this old fashioned notion that men need to chase them. Nonsense. As I’ve pointed out, men will most likely chase the standouts because the standouts are distracting and we’re not smart enough to identify the shy, quiet girl who will give us 2 perfect kids and 50 years of wedded bliss. That being the case, you need to help us out. Either walk over to him and ask “weh yuh deh pon?” or if you’re not brave enough to do that then simply make eye contact, or send him a facebook/bb/whatsapp request or get your friend to whisper in his ear that you kinda-sorta-mighta-coulda-maybe think he’s not completely repulsive. It doesn’t matter how you do it just find a way to convey your interest. This doesn’t make you “easy” ladies, it makes you sensible and pragmatic and waaaaay more likely to find a husband than your great aunt Mabel who died a spinster because she spent 50 years waiting for a man to approach her.

Know how to fling it up. Let me explain so you can understand… Some men like Manchester United some like Arsenal, some men like Red Stripe, some love Heinekin, some men like curry goat and some love oxtail but every single one of them loves a good shag. Being good in bed will help you get and keep a good Jamaican man, so take some time to perfect your bedroom skills. Just to be clear, I AM NOT SAYING you should fling it up on all and sundry I’m just saying use your talents (sparingly) to get and keep a good man.

Next to some good glammy, there’s nothing a Jamaican man loves more than some good grub. So learn how to cook. Good food makes him happy and reminds him of his mother, which is always a good thing. It also gives you an occasion to talk, bond and be intimate with him in a way that can’t be done at Wendys. And no, cooking for your man does not make you subservient. Being obliged to cook for your man is what makes a woman subservient. Voluntarily cooking delicious meals for a man who appreciates and values you for doing it makes you a strategic genius, a veritable Jedi Knight in the get-a-man wars. Knowing how to cook is just another skill that as an intelligent and accomplished woman you’ve added to your arsenal and if it comes down to a choice between Keisha who can fling it up but cant boil water, or you, who can fling it up, make golden-brown fry dumplings from scratch and hold down a full-time job while doing your MBA part-time, then who yuh think him ah go choose missus?

This leads us to our next point. Be rounded. Not round as in “round an’ sexy” (although that helps…a lot) but be rounded in the sense of having several good qualities. A sensible man will always go for a good package over a girl who has just one or two attributes. If you’re not bad looking but don’t have much else to recommend you, then learn the intricacies of the 4-4-2 formation so you can discuss football with him and his friends while they’re watching English Premier League. And learn how to bake a good potato pudding while you’re at it. I have to be honest here though, if the only attribute your competition has is a big round booty then she’s always gonna be a contender in the Get-A-Man Competition. It just means that to beat her you’ll need develop yourself into a really exceptional overall package.

Let him play his damn football. Too many women drive their men away by being clingy and not allowing him room to miss her. Let him hang with his friends, go to Vernham Field to watch the races, go bird-shooting, whatever his thing is. This will make him happy and a happy man will not leave you.

Don’t be crazy. Yes, you are, and no it nuh mek sense yuh deny it. Its ok, we know you cant help yourself, but please try.

The most fundamental thing I can tell you, however, is that the best way to get and keep a good Jamaican man is to show him that you can add value to his life. This is a secret your mothers and grandmothers knew instinctively and practiced every day as they helped manage the household budget, worked part-time in the family business, helped your grandpa find that new job and encouraged your dad to get a degree. Jamaican men are strivers and we will grab up and treasure a woman who is willing to help us to achieve our goals. In fact, we’ll happily stick around to help her achieve hers.