Thursday, April 5, 2012

With all the
coochie-couping rumors and Chinese whispers in the press about the Army trying to stage a coup earlier this year, I thought it was a good time to wash my
hands in the beheti Ganga of Blogger-giri with an opportunist post. What if
these rumors were true? What if this General VK Singh blew the trumpet and made
UPMA out of UPA? Well well well……

If the Army did really
stage a successful coup then…

Mamata Banerjee will instantly
stand around a tank and demand a rollback, upon which the tank will rollback on
her, thereby ending the insecurity of a whole nation over Didi

You can finally stand up to the
Missuj and say “Ae, there is no Sonia, Sheila or Mamata in power. Boss you shut up now ok?” {P.S.: The Army isn’t responsible for what happens after this}

Manmohan ji will be made the
head of all democratic alliances, thereby negating all hopes of anything being
done or said against the coup. Ever.

All stupid TV shows and docu specials
featuring soldiers being forced to dance like retards in sync with horrendous
singing by the omnipresent Aamir Khan will be banned.

Bobby Deol’s glorious film, with
patriotism dripping off like ghee from a Punjabi aunty’s parantha, ‘Soldier’, will
be inducted into the hall of fame and the title song as national anthem. Thus
will end an era of pathetic “Soldier Soldier, pant ki zip khol kar, **** uraa
le gaya” jokes.

Arnab Goswami will be sent to
POW camps, where he will holler and cross question every enemy espionage
element till either Arnab or the whole camp is finished. I am skeptical about
the latter surviving.

Suhel Seth will be asked to
answer every question Arnab Goswami has ever asked his panelists on TV in his
HT Brunch column style, ending in him self-combusting and ridding the world of
excess baggage and white hair.

Twitter and Facebook experts ranting
on how the huge defence budget is hurting the country’s economy will be sent to
Siachen with a Swiss knife and a smartphone to carry on their noble effort.

Barkha Dutt will be sent to
interview Hafiz Sayeed, where she will ask him inane questions like “How does
it feel to have a $10 million bounty and US drones’ crosshairs on your head?”
thereby ending in both screaming and then killing each other in a huge
explosion. Win-Win for India and the Army.

IPL 5 will be cancelled and instead, players will be competing in
the ‘International Mine Stumping’ League. Where they compete against a hamming
Sunil Shetty stumping out a Pakistani tank aka Gilchrist like he did in ‘Border’.
Fun it will be, I swear.

Bullets would be made currency, effectively ending all crimes. How?
Example -- “Motherwanker, you would be dead by now if I had not been retiring
with only two bullets in my account.” (inspired)

All people harping on the Armed Forces being nothing better than killing
machines will be sent to J&K beside the LoC. Yeah, now you can decide whether
you want to shoot a Burkha in boots or take him to the maternity hospital. Yes ‘she’
is a him and will be shooting bullets from an AK-47 into your arse. But YOU are the
human rights champion man. You know better than shooting an innocent civilian,
of course!

Finally, Sachin will be asked to retire with a posthumous Param Vir Chakra,
thus wiping out a country’s hysteria with cricket and turning everyone’s
attention back to soccer.

Call of Duty and all other FPS-games will be FREE!

Alright, I
respect our democracy. But when the state of democracy is the state we are
currently in, you can’t really stop stray, weird thoughts from getting into your
head, right?!

On The Khopri

About Me

A procrastinator with a sweet tooth. Thinker sans thoughts. Drinker sans droughts. And everything else in between. In short, your average village idiot. With a sense of humor. Or so I think. I will drink to that...