Funny Chemistry | Famous last words | The last words of a chemist

From: Mooseman#NoSpam.FATE.ohz.north.de (Bjoern "Mooseman" Harste)(Blame JV for the translation from German.)The last words of a chemist:1. And now the tasting test.2. May that become hot?3. And now a little bit from this...4. ... and please keep that test tube alone!5. And now shake it a bit.6. Why is there no label on this bottle?7. In which glass was my mineral water?8. The bunsen burner *is* out!9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?10. *H* stands for Nitrogen - and that does *not* burn...11. Oh, now I have spilt something...12. First the acid, then the water...13. And now the detonating gas problem.14. This is a completely safe experimental setup.15. Where did I put my gloves?16. O no, wrong beaker...17. The fire alarm is just being tested.18. Now you can take the protection window away...19. And now keep ith constat at 24 degrees celsius, 25... 26... 27...20.Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!?21. I feel it how long 15 seconds are!22. Something is wrong here...23. Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?24. Trust me - I know what I am doing.25. And now a cigarette...

2.From: roberts#NoSpam.ucunix.san.uc.edu (Michael A. Roberts)

Isaac Asimov said that if you want to find a chemist,ask him/her todiscuss the following words:moleunionizedAs he so eloquently put it, "If he starts talking about furry animalsand organized labor, keep walking."

3.Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!

4.From: Casandra Sheldon

okay so I came to the realization while I was riding in the Jeep with myboyfriend:I say to him You know when I Chemist says 'put it in a roundbottom' (you know round bottom flask) it doesn't mean what you think itmeans.I don't know maybe you just have to have a dirty mind to find this funnyhee hee

Why I Am A Chemist, by Tom WalzI am a chemist because when I was young I was told to look around andsee who had the kind of life I wanted to have. Then go do the same work.What I found was that chemists are generally much better looking thanaverage. They test out smarter and have more friends. I heard aboutsome guys from a university who studied chemists in a bar. They foundthat chemists get approached and generally get lucky about 43 times asoften as most folks.Chemists win more at cards, catch more fish and are beloved by kids anddogs. They can work their VCR and set the clock on the microwave.Their kids are brighter, their lawns are greener and their cars runbetter. Their daughters are prettier and their sons are betterathletes. Their spouses are sweeter and their mothers-in-law hardlyvisit at all.Chemists do things like save lives and generally make a better world.Anyway, I looked around and it seemed to me that chemists were clearlysuperior folk and I would be proud to be one. That is why I am a chemist.That and all the good jobs were taken.

7.From: John Bauer

Quote:"We had no doubts: we would be chemists, but our expectations and hopeswere quite different. Enrico asked chemistry, quite reasonably, for thetools to earn his living and have a secure life. I asked for somethingentirely different; for me chemistry represented an indefinite cloud offuture potentialities which enveloped my life to come in black volutestorn by fiery flashes, like those which had hidden Mount Sinai. LikeMoses, from that cloud I expected my law, the principle of order in me,around me, and in the world. I was fed up with books, which I stillcontinued to gulp down with indiscreet voracity, and searched for a keyto the highest truths; there must be a key, and I was certain that,owing to some monstrous conspiracy to my detriment and the world's, Iwould not get it in school. In school they loaded me with tons ofnotions which I diligently digested, but which did not warm the blood inmy veins. I would watch the buds swell in spring, the mica glint in thegranite, my own hands, and I would say to myself: 'I will understandthis, too, I will understand everything, but not the way they want meto. I will find a shortcut, I will make a lock-pick, I will push openthe doors.'"It was enervating, nauseating, to listen to lectures on the problem ofbeing and knowing, when everything around us was a mystery pressing to berevealed: the old wood of the benches, the sun's sphere beyond thewindowpanes and the roofs, the vain flight of the pappus down in the Juneair. Would all the philosophers and all the armies of the world be able toconstruct this little fly? No, nor even understand it: this was a shameand an abomination, another road must be found. "We would be chemists,Enrico and I. We would dredge the bowels of the mystery with our strength,our talent: we would grab Proteus by the throat, cut short his inconclusivemetamorphoses from Plato to Augustine, from Augustine to Thomas, fromThomas to Hegel, from Hegel to Croce. We would force him to speak."~Primo Levi _The Periodic Table_ (1975) Translated by Raymond Rosenthal(1984)

8.From: Norma van der Plaas

My daughter, not that long ago, made a basic error on a chemistry matterin discussion with me, to which I replied, "Good heavens, you shouldknow that, you learnt it in the lab in your Yr 8 (first year HighSchool) Science class!"She replied, "No I didn't"I retorted, "Yes, you did!"She replied, "No I didn't. How would *YOU* know what the dumb Scienceteacher taught us, anyway?"I replied, quietly, "Because, if you care to recall, I *WAS* your dumbYr 8 Science teacher"

9.Famous last words

Chemistry teacher: And if you combine the base and the acid just right, youcan safely drink it.Chemist: What kind of tea is this?Chemist: Why do they keep that under oil? It wil be much safer under water.

10.Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab

10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"5. Deny the existence of chemicals.4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.