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Tuesday, May 19, 2015

34 Weeks Pregnant with #3

Last week was bad. I was back to un-functionally nauseous. I had a really hard time with my thoughts. I didn’t get into that despondent place, but I did get into a very frustrated place.
I needed Blake to bring me home dinner every night again because all food except for one random takeout was gonna kill me. I had a hard time feeding the girls.
By Thursday I asked on my personal Facebook page for everyone to pray for me because I was losing it. And the next day Blake was needing to head out of town. So I was pretty freaked out.
Thankfully Friday I felt functional. So thank you everyone who prayed.
I also had a sweet friend offer to bring me dinner (whatever I wanted) Friday when Blake was gone. I think she offered on Wednesday (maybe Thursday) while I was in the middle of feeling like death and scared, so I almost cried when Blake told me she said that, because I just felt so relieved and not abandoned. But by Friday night I was actually up to eating food I had in the house (and I wanted to), so I didn’t need to take her up on it, but I could cry all over again thinking about it.

It was a hard week because I really want to finish nesting, but I was just so sick. The only thing I can figure is that when I spend energy in anyway it comes back to bite me as nausea, so all the nesting the week before, knocked me out for a week of payback.

By the weekend I was feeling decent again. Blake finished up (mostly) our kitchen shelves/countertop. (It needs a couple little braces added in still.)
So Sunday night and Monday I spent my time staining and painting it. (With my mask on.) I was wearing the UGLIEST outfit of my life and feeling so pregnant-gross. MY paint shorts plus a tank top that has no hope of fitting anymore, will by belly hanging out -- I felt very much like a huge beer-guted guy in a wife-beater. Add in no makeup, unwashed hair and some tennis shoes (to keep my feet from swelling) and you had one hot momma.
But the countertop is almost done. I need to give it a couple more coats of poly on top.

And Blake needs to secure it all together, and add some braces under the shelves to make sure they are ready for my canned goods and such.

But can you guess how I feel right now (Tuesday morning)? Yep -- Gross. I’m paying back yesterday’s bill.
(Thing is, I have plans to get more done today, so body, you’re gonna have to write a rain check ok?)

Sunday at church I wore a full pleated skirt over my belly, so I think I looked extra-particularlly pregnant (on top of being particularly pregnant.) So everyone asked me the “You’re still pregnant? / Still no baby?” Questions. That used to bother me (in the last two pregnancies.) But this time I don’t care. Baby still isn’t allowed out for 2 more weeks now, but I’m all for getting into the overdue mentality, because I want this baby out as soon as possible! I figure it can’t hurt to fully embrace the whole end-of-things-mentality and so if people wanna make me past due, whatever. I’m not gonna stop them. I just told them to pray baby comes out in three weeks. I love that most people very willingly agree. (I love this third time around credibility -- I only got one comment attempting to tone down my anticipation, everyone else totally gets that I get it, and that I’m sick, so they are just totally on board. If I was a first time mom I KNOW I’d be getting TONS of lectures.)
(I seriously love saying this is my third -- it stops so many people from saying anything -- it’s like magic in the grocery stores and such -- zero advice, just like hat tipping and nods of respect. You first time mommas might just wanna try lying about it sometime it’s amazing -- just say the kids are with grandma and people just act like you are an actual intelligent adult it’s wonderful. And yes go with third -- second doesn’t give the street cred -- it brings the “you’re hands are gonna be full” comments. Third is where it’s at for conversation gold. )

Anyway, Saturday I’m pretty positive baby dropped. Saturday evening I couldn’t help Blake do baths or bedtime with the girls because I felt like just ew -- like sorta vaguely labor-ish -- but no -- I just felt like I had to lay down and everything felt labor emotional. I don’t know how to explain it in words. I wasn’t literally thinking I was in labor. I just kept thinking wow I have to listen to my body right now, and I have to lay down. And when I would walk I felt freaked out by how the sensations were labor reminiscent -- without actually being freaked out I was in labor. (There really aren’t words to get this across accurately. It wasn’t scary pre-term labor stuff. It was just instinctual sensations.)

Since my third trimester, I’ve been trying to be really open to following my body’s call when it’s time to be in certain positions. I’ve just popped off the couch at random drops of hats to get into hands and knees. Or sit on the birth ball. Or do inversions. I just go for it. I think that has helped. (The only thing that’s hard is it often ups my nausea to be in these positions. )

Anyway, so by Saturday evening I went to feel for the baby’s head (with my hands on belly) and I couldn’t find it. And I had a sudden “Ohhh! I see. That vague-labor-like sensation from earlier was baby getting down in my pelvis."
And then when looking in the mirror I can totally see a huge gap from ribs to baby. I think it’s bigger than I ever had with either of my girls. (I’m still trying to hold in my ab muscles through the day, to help keep a diastasis recti from getting worse. So holding up those muscles keeps my belly from looking as dropped as it is when I relax.)

I don’t feel like getting dressed for a picture right now (sorry.) So I’m just gonna use this pic I took to show my mom my belly the other day (my belly is relaxed in the photo), next to a picture of last week. (Maybe I’ll try to take a real picture later today.)

And You don’t feel the baby’s butt until even lower.

I’m gonna take this a a super good sign. I’m really just emotionally opening up to a 38 week delivery and asking everyone to pray for it. (Internet disclaimer -- I’m a third time mom who’s gone to 42 weeks two times before -- I know the stats, please don’t fill me in.) I’m just not even going to mentally accept the imagery of being pregnant past 38 weeks because I don’t want to give my hormones that leeway. I am pretty sure my emotions played into long pregnancies before (I know lots of stuff goes into these things, but looking back I can see how they fit in.) So I’m not gonna give room for those this time. I’ve been done for like 5 months now. I’m ready. Labor doesn’t even remotely phase me at this stage. WHATEVER it takes to move on past this sickness sounds like a wonderful idea to me. Labor sounds like a vacation compared to this pregnancy, and I’m not even exaggerating. And I’m embracing that fact as well. I’m going for positive goodness in terms being right there at the finish line, not letting anything scare me away from it.

I think I already look like 39 weeks last time around.

So once again -- embracing that. Bring on the end. (One theory of what brings on labor (still kills me [and probably everyone] that they don’t know what actually starts labor) is just your uterus being stretched out enough -- which is the theory of why so much preterm labor with multiples. So I say -- get stretched and low belly. Bring it.)
(It took 3 weeks after that 39 week photo last time for Ruby to come out -- so I’m not too worried about going too early. I’m got my hopes on good-early.)

I showed the girls a birth video yesterday. I don’t know if they will see the baby born or not. But I don’t want them to be nervous if they hear me moaning. And I want them to know that I will be busy when I’m in labor -- that they can’t just keep asking me for juice or whatever.
I picked a video I had watched before that was very mild and sweet with kids there. I liked it because it reminded me of what I sounded like in labor with Ruby and there was nothing too dramatic to overwhelm them with first seeing a baby born. The mom is totally naked. But I figured who cares. They follow me in the bathroom all the time. And they’ve seen my boobs and they’ll be seeing them a ton coming up.
Jasmine has seen a TON of birth videos as a two year old -- I watched them compulsively when getting ready to VBAC. But she doesn’t remember them.
When I was first pregnant this time, we read this book and it shows, in pretty tame cartoon, a baby coming out. (It’s a sweet book. I like it.)
And so I’m guessing that was enough to get them to a pretty good understanding. Because when I showed them this video they totally took it in stride. Zero reaction to the mom being naked. And just oos and ahhs and “so cute”s when the baby’s head was out. (Which I was surprised by because you can’t even see the face, and the baby is still half in. But they were all about that baby.) And they loved seeing the video of the baby after she was born. Actually I did too. I’ve had a such a hard time getting into the idea that I’m having a baby. I’ve just been so sick feeling I’m so detached from this baby. So I loved looking at that sweet new born and kinda grasping things finally. I got excited to think about holding a baby again.
After watching the video, Jasmine told me she does want to see the baby come out. I told her we’d do our best, but I can’t promise, sometimes babies come out faster than anyone is ready for. She seemed ok with that. She also wants "to hold the baby…after they are clean.” Those are her birth requests. Ruby’s just along for the ride -- no requests. She likes to tell me what she’s gonna share with the baby.

I’ve been looking back at my blog posts from last pregnancy. Just kinda piecing things together. And it was a strange thing to look at. This pregnancy has sucked so bad physically. But that pregnancy was so incredibly hard emotionally. And it also had a ton of life circumstances that were really pretty much too hard for me. God got us through, but wow was I on life support.
When I first looked at those posts I got more emotional (I was looking at them mid-super-sick-feeling emotions) and I got irritated. I felt both confused on if I was actually experiencing something harder this time (which I had figured I was) and just kinda mad that life has basically just been incredibly difficult since becoming a mom.
But the more time has past since I started thinking on these things the more I’ve decided that I ‘d rather be in this place now than the place I was last time. This time I’m not scared. I’m worn out to bits. But I’m not scared. And being scared is horrible.
I’ve had a couple times I’ve gotten scared of how sick I’ve been this pregnancy (the few times I couldn’t get my head out of the toilet.) But outside those times I’ve not been scared at all. And that’s pretty awesome.
Plus, I like my life circumstances a lot more this pregnancy than last pregnancy.
So getting those thoughts in place has given me some more optimism.

So that’s where I am now. I feel kinda optimistic (mixed with crabby when I feel sick.) I’m starting to sorta grasp I’m having a baby. (I think we might have to watch that video some more.) And I’m trying to nest-it-up. I hope my body cooperates.