For Kristen Stewart, a guide to keeping men happy

Posted by themoonisdown on September 2nd, 2009

Dear Kristen,

On the day we finally declare peace in the Rob fandom by linking arms and uniting in one voice to declare “We are the Rob, We are the Fandom,” you go and stir the shit. Of course you would. Kinda makes me like you a bit too- ain’t nothing like rattling a hornets nest with the news that Micheal Arangano aka Oregano might actually be in Vancouver. Yup, the same Vancouver that you and the rest of the Eclipse cast is in (oh and that dude you’ve been seen with- Rob Whateverson- happens to be there too.) I kind of really want you to be seen one day with Oregano doing that lovely-dovey shiz like you all did in April and then the next day been seen all double O style with Rob because then you would be a Lady Pimp, Man Killer, and I would be forced into maybe, quite possibly, LOVING YOUR FACE. If you were stringing both of these boys along, making them fly to other countries, hide under hoods, buy you dinner, comb out your mullet and then get the H out of bed once you were finished with them, I would give you the biggest high five ever. EVER. Just the thought of it makes me smile and want to yell “Girl Power!” (Spice up your life!).

So since we have no real confirmation as to validity of this other than the ALWAYS valid Splash News *ahem* I’m going to speculate that it’s totally true and Oregano really is up there in Vancouver and the reason you didn’t go to the cast dinner last weekend was because it was Oregano’s day and not Rob’s, so like any good Lady Pimp you sent Rob along to the dinner to be watched over by your frenemie Nikki Reed while you, or should I say while Oregano, attended to your “needs.” I’m so kinda proud! Since you are 19, however, I have a feeling you’ve just recently tapped into your Lady Pimp Man Killer essence so you’re new at this and might be in need of a few tips from some seasoned sluts professionals. So out of the goodness of my heart, and as a sign of goodwill and Rob-peace, I’ve put together a little guide for you with the help of some pals:

Follow the cut to see the rules!

The Rules: (feel free to print these out, laminate and keep in your little black book you’ll be buying)

01. You need to invest in some sort of little black book which you will pass off as a diary or whatever because you’re emo and angsty and shiz they won’t ask, but in reality this is where you’ll keep all your information straight. Phone numbers, birthdays (if you’re with them long enough to need this information), hotel room numbers, topics of discussion, your calendar of events. You can’t be screwing up dates or having your assistant buy birthday gifts when there is no birthday.

02. Approach this as a military campaign. Your schedule should be tight as a drum. Your theoretical boyfriend and your theoretically former boyfriend should never cross paths. Like a mother with a toddler, you should carry around a big bag with distracting treats so you can text or call the man you’re not with–Hot Pockets and incomprehensible novels for Rob, thrift-store plaid shirts and fake scripts for “the next big movie that’s perfect for you” for Mike. Practice, in the mirror, an authentic reading of the line “we’re just friends, baby!” (Hint: try not to blink or stutter while you say it–they’ll know you’re acting.) – Freya

03. This is all about multi-tasking. We know you are capable of this. I mean, we’ve paid hard earned money to watch you blink, stutter and speak all at the same time. And dude! That business is harder than it looks. So, you have a basic working knowledge of what I’m saying:

You’re out to dinner with Oregano. He’s complimenting you on how smartly you’ve styled the mullet for a night out on the town….meanwhile….you’re texting Rob under the table, relaying, in excruciating detail, what you plan on doing to him later with merely your pinkie, and a can of cheeze whizz. See what we did there? Simplistic and efficient. Utilize technology – Proslyte3

How do you feel about lunch at 130? I have an uhhh appointment at noon

05. Oregano’s desperate. The poor boy, bless his heart, hasn’t had a good job in ages. You, Kristen, are his meal ticket, his sugar mama. Around you, he’s back in the spotlight. This means he will do anything – AN.Y.THING. – for you to keep you around. So, my recommendation is to take advantage of that in the following ways:
Make him do all the shit you don’t want to do

Force him to take a class in sensual massage. Like I said, dude’s not working – you may as well put him to work on finding ways to please you. – Heyyyybrother

06. Hire a body double to handle those unavoidable scheduling conflicts. Be sure she is willing to get a mullet haircut. They’ll never notice, they’re dudes after all - Tiffanized

07. They’ll want to take you out for dinners, lunches, coffee anything to be close to you. To make room for all this FREE food go to lunch with one and spend the afternoon together: work up an appetite (ifyouknowwhatimean), then after that “exercise” you’ll be ready to go to dinner with the other dude – HisOneandOnly

BUT remember:

08. Eating two or more dinners every night will turn you into a total cow. As much as I’d like to see that, watching you waffle between the hottest man on earth and a condiment is even more entertaining, and I’d like to see it continue for as long as possible. Learn the “hamster style cheek pack” technique so you can discreetly discard your uneaten food in the bushes on your way out of the restaurant – Tiffanized

09. Of course, you’re gonna need someone to act as an alibi and back your stories up… Lord knows Nikki Reed won’t have your back there because she’s still jealous. Maybe Taylor? He’s still young and innocent and pure of heart – he might actually buy your BS. So always make sure Taylor can account for what you were doing so that Oregano doesn’t catch wind of WHO you were doing at a given time. Just tell him you have a migraine or something and that you need to go lie down. He doesn’t need to know that Rob’s going with you. – Heyyybrother

10. When you get caught–and you will–deny, deny, deny. I don’t care what evidence they have, you just stammer and blink and say things like

They’ll give up the questions just to get you to stop. No one can take more than ten seconds of that, trust. – Tiffanized

11. Or… if all of this sounds a little too complicated, there’s always option B: pitch the three-way love triangle. Oregano’s jobless and desperate, and I think we all know how much Rob loves a bromance. Hell, if you’d be willing to go even further and try out a love quadrangle (a reverse Big Love situation, if you will), you could get TomStu up in there and it’d be one big homolicious pile of grungy flannely angst. Get a few Heine’s in Rob and he’ll agree to it… Trust – Heyyybrother

So Kstew, with these simple guidelines you can juggle multiple men. We will get you through this, with our combined years of sluttiness experience. In the end you will be found out, because all good things must come to an end. But enjoy the “ride” while you can and if you pull this off you just might be my new favorite Lady Pimp Man Killer.

Rule #12: BE SAFE.
The world is simply not ready for plaid rumpers and baby mullinsons or mullegano’s.

gizmo

Excellent tip! And innovative terminology, if I might add.

Next time some Robsten fanatic (Rob-peace, I know) decides to make a 2nd-hand embarassing manip of the Mullensons, they should try and put that shit on the baby’s head for a reality check. Instantly there would be a Robsten-free Twi-community.

http://robmyworld.com Amber

Kristen, screw having Tom in the quadruple love fest and grab that dude who’s playing Riley…HAWT! I know you probably don’t know his name, but trust me, he won’t care. If you hit that shit too, me and you can be besties forever!!

themoonisdown

id just have to punch her from jealously if she grabbed xavier. that would be over the line in lady pimp land. like WOW!

cledbo

Why stop at 3 anyway? She can aim to be like Jordan over at KSWI and just keep amassing boy-lovers.

She would be president of the Lady Pimp Man Killer Society if she bagged Xavier. He’d be the Sunday Night Special for sure.

This post makes me sad that I will never be part of this society. Despite the fact that I’ve had the same one bloke for 5 years, I’m far to disorganised to make this fly.

I also don’t have a 19-year-old libido any more! Imagine how toned her inner thighs would be…!

Robjunkie

If it’s true that Oregano is indeed in Vancity with Kstew, I’m gonna jizz in my pants (that’s what she said). Cause that would mean that she’s NOT with Rob. I just don’t think that she’s got game. Cmon, she’s a 19 year old with a speech impediment. Stringing along two boys? Pffftt.

And Rob defs would not go for that. He told me so himself just the other day. “Robjunkie,” he said, “I am a good Catholic boy, and I value honesty and fidelity. Besides, you know there’s only one woman for me, YOU. So when all this hoopla is over, I’m coming in your pants to get you baby. Stay strong and send my love to the girls on LTT. It’s so kind of them to be concerned for my welfare. You have such considerate friends.”

And in case you were wondering, he calls me Robjunkie cause he says it’s so cute that he’s like my own personal brand of heroin. Trust.

deathnote

Oregano is not in Vancity, the stupid rumour has been debunked by Gossipcop. Can’t believe anyone would actually believe he would show up there. lol splashnews is FOS like 99% of the time.

Robjunkie

Duuuude. Thanks for ruining it for me. No, really, that felt good. On second thought, I’m just going to pretend that it IS true and that Gossip Cop is full of shiz.. Yeah, that works. Phew, I feel so much better now.

Oedipal Art

Reminder to KStew: don’t get caught in Rob’s clothes on an Oregano day. Not that anyone would notice.

StotheP

Methinks Oregano just cashed a big check. Courtesy of? SPLASH NEWS.

Next thing you know, he’ll be wearing Ed Hardy hoodies and throwing pool parties in Vegas with his mother. Le douche.

Robsten lives!

themoonisdown

love the subtly jon gosselin dig! HAHAAH worlds are colliding!

Cyndi

HOW can it cost more to SHIP a DVD than the DVD itself???

Oedipal Art

I wish I could send you a copy. I have two!

Cyndi

Your so sweet…..did you say you were from Maine???

Oedipal Art

Yes, I’m from Maine. I love it there! But I just moved to Georgia. My parents live there and I’m going to help them out for a while.

Cyndi

Oh jealous…I hate Maine….actually I hate the cold….

Oedipal Art

Are you from Maine?! You certainly don’t have to say, but if you are, that would explain why I like you so much!

Cyndi

@Oedipal Art …ayahhh….I am!

Oedipal Art

AH! That is so awesome! I wish I hadn’t moved. We could go see NM together. Rats!

Katie S

What part of Maine, Cyndi?? I am but a stones throw away. In the green, gloomy, rainy state of Washing… er… Massachusetts.

Cyndi

@Oedipal Art….that would have been so cool to go to NM together…course you would have to drag me out of the house and promise not laugh too hard at me!! And of course we have to get Sassy too….oh what a night…I can’t even imagine it…Great friends &, bodyguards, twi experts to fill in the blanks, popcorn and ROB ON THE BIG SCREEN!!! It’s too much to for mind to even comprehend!!!! BTW you might want to consider one of those kiddie leashes…I get lost easy!! LOL

Cyndi

@Katie S….It funny that you mention that you live in MA…I went back and looked at Thursdays post and you said you lived just a short drive away in MA….and I was curious how you knew you were close by when I had not yet said where I lived????

Katie S

Someone said you lived in Virginia… not sure who or why. Turns out you live even closer! I am not stalking you, I swear. All of my stalking time is taken up by Rob.

Cyndi

@Katie S…LMAO I KNOW your stalking time is fully dedicated to Rob….I was just curious that is all…

Dannygirl

I use #10 (Hospital Bella) on my boyfriend all the time, works like a charm! He gets so freaked out, that the discussion is over immediately (Thanks Kathy!)

To me this Oregano sighting in Vancouver sounds an awful lot like a desperate plea. He’s probably begging her to take him back and honestly, if he flew all the way over there and spent his year’s worth of Mc Donald’s value menu dollars to get her back, I don’t think she disserves him.

http://twitter.com/MsYuppieScum DontQuestionMe

Thank you for the LOLz. This was all kinds of awesomeness!

What will be the official name for this camp of believers? 2Timersten? DoubleOsten? Pimpsten?

http://tiffanized.wordpress.com tiffanized

ThreeWaySten

Proselyte3

This! x

http://twitter.com/MsYuppieScum DontQuestionMe

Perfect!

YB is the best!

HES NOT IN VANCOUVER. robsten is totally real.

Emma C.

apparently it’s her brother, not Oregano – but whatevers. The idea of KBitch being with Rob is bad enough but cheating on the hottest man in the world? k-Bitch, you go, girl!

When i was her age I juggled 3 men and had to call them all “Darling” to prevent mix-ups during passionate clinches. It was fun at the time but beware, KStew – cos I ended up single! My friend went one further & was engaged to three men and had to remember to swap the rings over depending on who she was seeing – she married a fourth man, but guess what? She’s single now too.

So, maybe you should play the field Kristen – but one man at a time, OK? And shave off that frikken awful mullet – even the hair extensions ain’t helping to disguise it.

http://tiffanized.wordpress.com tiffanized

Does anyone else find it bizarre that she used to date a guy who looked enough like her brother to be mistaken for him? And that said guy has a sister named Kristen? I think there is some Freudian shit going on with K-Mullet.

Sofia

OMG! I just found out about your blog like…. 3 days ago (thank stephanie for that xD), and laughed my ass off with this post! really! you guys are AMAZING! and the comments are killing me also xD as a former pimplady, i tell you! all of those rules work! just had problems with the rule about the sexy names in THOSE moments xD ahahah hard to keep track you know?? LOOL

http://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com unintendedchoice

woo hoo! Pimp ladies unite! XO

lapushbaby

That’s why you always use the same one.

SassyPants

I have been LMAO on this post & all the comments today – THANKS LADIES (and unicorns!).

http://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com unintendedchoice

I have to share this… we get a TON of spam on the blogs but wordpress has a really good spam filter.. spammers get really creative- most of the time these days it’s an actual PERSON spamming.. taking 1 word from the post and commenting on it. This was the latest:

‘Apologize for my bad english, I deliberate on its a winsome hell of your writing. Kind-heartedly I have faced alot of difficulties in this condition but your article will definately relieve me in future. Thank You’

Clearly.. this spammer is having a difficulty in her ‘condition’ of juggling two non-english speaking men….. any advice for her and her future?

SassyPants

Another rule…when caught in a ‘compromising’ position, just start babbling in another language.

Sofia

I’m portuguese, so that rule will really work when i’m spending some time with Rob xD

Katie S

“your article will definately relieve me in future”

Some of the fuckhawt Rob photos you post definitely help relieve me.

blvr

KStew stringing two guys along, unable to make a decision conclusively between the two? Methinks I smell some method acting going on up in the Couve!

“May the best man win.”

“That sounds about right…oregano.”

Von

Oh crap, I was so busy reading and laughing that I burned the rice I was cooking and my whole kitchen fille up with smoke. I’ve never actually set rice on FIRE before. You all are a bad infulenc on me, and I just can’t get enuf. I’ve never visited a blog before this one, so I have no boudaries yet. Myu hubby just called from work and the kids ratted me out. He’s suggesting AA… any suggestions from my new friends who TRULY UNERSTAND???

Sofia

shame on you Von… burning the rice!? lool where is this world going to be when we start burning food because of twilight!!?? LOL Order a pizza xD Tell your husband you’re completely normal!.. It’s the rest of the world who’s insane!!!!! right?? they just don’t get it..

Von

I have to say, I haven’t laughed like this in forever. Right now my hubby and boys are “humoring” me, I’m sure because they believe I will grow out of this. What they really don’t understand is how deep I’m in, and how unexpected it was. I know y’all are total strangers to me, but I have more in common with you than most people I spend time with daily. Even my best friends, including the one who turned me onto Twilight in the first place, don’t get this level of obsession. At least in this world I AM NORMAL and they can all just piss off!

SassyPants

I’m somewhat ashamed to admit I’m there with you. We should start a 12 step program. Here…I’ve started step number 1 for us with a little help from AA:
We admitted we were powerless over Rob—that our lives had become unmanageable.

OK…not sure I’m ready to admit to that, but I’m thinking that since there is more dirt on my daughter’s feet than in our back yard, I should probably attend to the bath time routine.

NotWutheringHeights

Excellent advice!

Every 19 year old deserves to be a pimp slut whore. Enjoy it while you can KStew.

Elizabeth

Where’s TammyO at? People on here are just way too nice and caring, I feel like we all need to be brought down a few notches and only TammyO can do that with her hilarious bitchy comments. I’m surprised she hasn’t already graced us with her presence to tell us all we’re ugly b@tches and that we are all going to HALE!!!!

Robjunkie

Dude, if it’s bitchin you’re after, get yo ass over to LTR. There’s a new hater in town, Yee Haaw!

hermes

TammyO went on the other LTR blog and bugged UC and the girls this time-. I think she’s going by a different name though..

She’s still a wheeling and a dealing. but she called us all Bitches this time.. meh…so what else is new?

Elisabeth

Okay so I’m a 3rd year medical student currently on my surgery rotation working 100+ hour weeks and you guys make every day better! I love coming home to check your blogs because it makes me laugh everyday

But today topped it all. I could not stop laughing and after a crazy day like today, that’s saying something. So thank you and everyone who commented for making my night

themoonisdown

AWWW elisabeth! im so glad we can help give you a little smile while youre so busy!! now go get some sleep girl!

Cyndi

Once again I stray from the subject….

First of all I really need help coming up w/a screen name…the best (really bad) is BellaCib…ok..remember not working with all the marbles in place and I DID warn you that it was bad, which is why I need help!!!

Second, I am looking for volunteers to stay up most of the night w/me to “portray the parts and recite the lines from the movie” (like you all don’t know every single word…..No DVD again tonight…I am already half out of my mind….do you wish me to go over the edge???

Sofia

I tottally understand you Von.. I´m the only sane person in this city! how can I not know anyone who has this level obsession? I met a girl the other day that said she was also an addict lol but as soon as I started babbling about twilight like i haven´t spoken for months xD , i saw that she wasn´t nearly half as obsessed as i am.. I don´t understand.. whats not to love?? really.. when i first read the books.. i read the first three in three days (didn´t sleep, and only ate because someone almost shoved the food into my mouth). and then i thought that was it! because the 4th book hadn´t been out in bookstores yet in portugal. soo.. i almost had a breakdown really! i was so sad because of how the book ended, with jacob so sad and all.. that everything reminded me of the story, and i started to cry for the littlest thing!.. my boyfriend thought i was crazy at some point..! then i heard about the 4th book and got much more happy lool
but i´m still trying to convince my boyfriend and everyone around me to read the books so that i can have them understand me a little bit at least… loool

Twilighters Anonimous… TA.. we should form a group

blvr

I’m so there, I *seriously* just had a discussion with my neighbor about how I and her 11 year old granddaughter are obsessed with Twilight…I need TA now! But I’m already out of the denial stage, I proudly admitted my obsession…freak flag waving proudly.

Sofia

i kind of hide it before the rest of the world.. only my family and boyfriend know about the obsession, but not the extent of it.. i keep the insanity all in my head.. and in blogs like this one, where people do understand me xD i´m not brave enough to go outside and yell to the world
I LOOOOVEEEE TWILIGHTTT!!!!
yet..
i´m working on it.. i´m struggling with the urge to post on my facebook page all things twilight!

Sofia

ok.. weird thing.. i posted a comment.. and then he vanished.. hmm..

Sofia

oh.. there it is loooooool ok..

Jena

“What about a quadrangle?!”

Now I have images of the guys combing her mullet! LOL!

I’m late in here today.

hermes

OH YEAH!!!

RE: “B: pitch the three-way love triangle. Oregano’s jobless and desperate, and I think we all know how much Rob loves a bromance. Hell, if you’d be willing to go even further and try out a love quadrangle (a reverse Big Love situation, if you will), you could get TomStu up in there and it’d be one big homolicious pile of grungy flannely angst. Get a few Heine’s in Rob and he’ll agree to it…”

LMAO!!
This was just priceless! All of them are as a matter of fact! – Priceless
<3
-H

quitesimplyepic

LMAO, this is all kinds of awesome.
“…you could get TomStu up in there and it’d be one big homolicious pile of grungy flannely angst. Get a few Heine’s in Rob and he’ll agree to it”… Love it <3

unknown

3 things:

1. jealousy kills s*** like you
2. go on… envy the people you dislike
3. kill kristen so you can have rob
…..

to make it 4..

4. hahaha!

gizmo

Oh go grow a mullet.

bellacullen

wow. u b*tches are lame. Really, when one little girl’s 7th grade boyfriend’s fake sighting in Van city makes you cream your granny panties this bad, and your toxic jealous minds leapt to the false conclusion that Robsten is no more, it’s time to check yourselves in to the home for menopausal hater bitches. You’re a danger to yourselves and stew. Someone call security. Oh, and please seek refunds from the Dane Cook school of comedy, Michael K you will never be. You just sound, well, sad in your hate.