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(okay, after you read this, I'd like someone to contribute a flip-flop: "What patrons say to library workers and what they really mean." You know what a cranky, intolerable, inflexible bunch we are. Or maybe a set of "What one library worker says to another and what he/she really means.")

Librarian sez: "We have plans to add more computers soon. Sorry we don't have any time for you right now."Librarian means: "Why don't you buy your own damn computer?"

Librarian sez: "I'd be happy to hold your computer for a few minutes while you take the baby/your son/daughter out in the lobby for a little break."Librarian means: "Get that screaming, squirming monster out of here. Now."

Librarian sez:, "Really, I don't have any time on the computer until tomorrow. We've been booked up since noon."Librarian means: "Even if you ask me three times in slightly different ways, I cannot produce another internet terminal from my magic hat/under the reference desk/my ass."

Librarian sez: "We can get past-year tax forms from the IRS website."Librarian means: "What have you been hiding all these years?"

Librarian sez: "I'm sorry you're disappointed/upset/confused. Would you like to speak to my manager/the director?"Librarian means:, "Nutbag, they don't pay me enough money to do this."

Patron sez: I couldn't find this book where you said it would be. Could you please help me find it?Patron really means: Would you quit checking your e-mail, get off your lazy ass and do something besides point?