I love Amtgard. I really really do. It’s great fun, I meet a lot of good people, and it gives me something to do on the weekends. However, there are some things that piss me off something awful when it comes to dealing with the game.

1)

“It’s a sport” – I can’t argue that Amtgard isn’t very physical. It’s combat oriented, so of course we’re not going to be rolling dice to figure out that Joey S. Jock cleaved F. Lurb in twain with his broadsword, but it’s a game. Plain and simple, it’s a game. I don’t really have a problem with the thought of it as a sport, just with the kind of people who tend to think of it like that. These guys will gleefully headshot newbies and pound them into the dust while they’re stunned, with nothing but a call of “you signed a waiver” over their shoulder as they move on to the next. They’re glory hounds, jackasses, and take away the fun of the majority for their meaningless victory over flurbs, newbs, and the very occasional person who can fight worth a damn.

2)

Knights – This is going to get me a lot of flak, I’m sure, but kinnigits piss me off. Not for their being knights, but for the majority of them lacking every single virtue thought to be knightly. The E-Sam forums has lessened this for me, since the knights on there may talk a lot of smack but one can see how they earned their belts. Knights I happen to meet at events, however, are a totally different story. They’re arrogant and whiny little bitches who apparently got their belts through pestering the monarch until they got what they wanted through frustration. No skill, no virtue, and the only service I’ve seen them fulfill has been to test the patience of those around them.

3)

Belt Fever – Shitfire, can I for once meet someone at an event who isn’t a page, man-at-arms, or a squire? Are there honestly enough knights and nobility to take care of these creatures, or do about half of them put on a colored belt and pretend servitude to get attention? Not like I think that would work. At Great Eastern I think the belts outnumbered the unaffiliated by about two to one. Obviously, however, this is only a complaint because no one loves me enough to offer me a belt.

4)

The Dream – I hate “The Dream.” Absolutely loathe it. It’s a namby pamby way of saying “I have no life outside of the damned game.” Hey, it’s cool if Amtgard is pretty much all you do. But do you have to say it like this? I’m pretty sure the idea of saying “the dream” was stolen from the SCA anyway.

Have you ever noticed how people only break out “The Dream” when trying to make a point to put themselves above whomever they’re arguing with? “You can’t stack armour, it’s contrary to The Dream!” “How dare you fight with a flail! Flails are not included in The Dream!” Whatever the hell the god damn Dream is, it’s horribly misinterpreted at best. Someone write this thing down so we can at least give each other out of context quotes to support our otherwise baseless arguments. Or, if you argue things involving The Dream, just stop using it and say “You can’t do that because I said so.” It’ll give you more of an argument, at least.

5)

Goldenvale – Once again, I’ll probably get some flak for this, but I don’t think my complaint is unjustified. The knights (remember complaint number 2?) I hate are almost all GV. I’ve played in a couple of Goldenvale parks and they might as well not have had a host kingdom. All that GV ever did for them was spam their e-lists (although I doubt you have to be sponsored by them to get this particular service) and have their Board of Directors demand random paperwork. I don’t know why they needed this paperwork. My personal suspicion is that they’re all origami enthusiasts and can’t otherwise afford the materials for their obsession. Otherwise, why else would they need to know each Golden Vale park’s average underwear size, including notes?

There are more things that piss me off, let me tell you. However, that will have to wait for another article after I chase those god damned kids off my lawn. Hey! You in the hat! I know where you live, damn it!