“Give me ideas for a ‘U’ post!” I wailed to the sister-in-law over Whatsapp yesterday. This wailing normally starts much earlier in the month, but I think moving to India has given me quite a bit of ammunition this year in terms of having new things to talk about. Now that we’re in the homestretch, though, my brain is completely fried, so I turned to Sayesha for help.

Dependable as she is, Sayesha threw a whole bunch of ‘U’ words at me, most of which I rejected because I’d either already written about them or couldn’t think of anything to write for them. And then, because we’re us and we can’t resist an opportunity to get ridiculous, this conversation unfolded:

Sayesha: Uterus!

Me: What about uteruses?! “I have one, I don’t plan to use it, kthxbye.”

Sayesha: Nice brief post. Egg-cellent idea, in fact.

Me: Ova-t an idea!

Sayesha: Womb-an, go for it.

Me: God-h will smite me.

[Sayesha: 😂 We are punning in hindia now.

Me: It happuns only in hindia!]

Sayesha: Don’t say things on the sper(m) of the moment hor.

Me: If I don’t say anything, we will be left with pregnant pauses in our conversation. The soil of our conversation needs fertilising.

Sayesha: Use your fertile imagination.

Me: I knew you’d go for the same word!

[Our ‘fertile/fertilisation’ pun happened at the same time, because our brains work the same way.]

Sayesha: 😱😀 Blast(ocyte) it!

Me: I’m going to get gas(trulation) from all this uterus talk.

Sayesha: Embryo-ce the truth.

Me: Are you planting the seeds for my next post? Ovule make me think of a new topic altogether?

Sayesha: You are s-o-vary talented, you can do it. I’ll cheer you on – for she’s a jolly good fallo(pian tube).

Me: The penis mightier than the sword. Wait… was that a double entendre?

Sayesha: 😂 Yes-trogen.

Me: God, this feels like a test(osterone), doesn’t it? If I pull this off, it will be a mighty foet(us).

[Long silence as both of us rack our brains to try and remember 12th standard Biology.]

Me: [giving up and aiming low] Balls!

Sayesha: Hi men!

Me: 😂😂😂 There aren’t any men here. Are you sure you’re taking the same test(icles) as me?

Sayesha: That’s just your folli(cle).

Me: If I reproduce this conversation word for word, do you think I’ll pass the test? I’m hoping to get a (pla)centa.