Making my eye twitch Part 2

Dear MissRon

You are writing some completely hilarious, witty and well thought out short stories at the moment under the banner of Fixing Fanfiction Fuckery. The ones you have written so far are so incredibly insightful and thought provoking that I have found myself wondering what other ‘fuckerys’ annoy you.

Please let me know so that when I decide to write, I will know what to avoid in order to make my fiction fun, enjoyable and downright pleasant to read.

Yours sincerely

A Fan.

Dear A Fan

My, your letter is making me blush! Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy day to let me know how much you enjoy my little ‘tirades’. My FFF series is mostly for my own benefit; getting the frustration out on paper in what I hope is a humorous way. I realise that I may come across as a grumpy miser a lot of the time but it is truly because I have devoured books for almost my entire life and it is saddening me to see the decline in story-telling.

There are things I am beginning to notice more and more as I read, reread and discover new fics. Since I’ve been immersed in the world of Eric and Sookie for so long now I have no idea if other fandoms have the same issues, but I can tell you now, TB / SVM fandom is stuck in a rut. In many ways it feels as though there is some kind of manual out there that I am not aware of and that all writers must adhere to this otherwise be cursed with boils and locusts. The stories themselves may not be the same but the character descriptions, profiles and certain situations are just cookie cutter copy and paste.

Please find below a list of some of the things that makes my brain explode with frustration. Enjoy!

Hugs and smoochy things

MissRon

The Fuckery’s

Gracious Plenty. I swear to all gods that if I read that phrase again I will kill someone. It was eh when CH wrote it but now that I read it in EVERY SINGLE FANFIC, it is grating on me. Which leads me into my next point……

Ridiculous phrases used to describe his penis. I kid you not, the following are actual examples of ones I have read and I either laugh or eyeroll each time I see them: engorged instrument, rigid member, lovestick, turgid pleasure. Just a small taste and dear sweet lord it makes me wonder who is writing these…..12 year olds? This also leads me into my third point……..

He has a large penis. I get it. It’s larger than the average mans. Sookie is always astounded by its bigness, wonders how it’s going to fit inside of her. He’s always amazed when he is able to fit all of it inside her, like she is made for him. *snooooooooore* Again, alright if this was read in one fic but it’s EVERY SINGLE FREAKING ONE. You don’t need to convince your readers they are made for each other because we think so too otherwise we wouldn’t be coming to fanfiction to fix CH and TB’s mistakes!!!!!

Eric must protect Sookie by NOT telling her things that will help with HER safety. Again, I understand that Eric is 1000 years old and Sookie is in her mid-20’s and she’s rash, impulsive, stubborn and prone to not listening……..according to the CH and TB version. Why the hell write a fanfiction that supposedly fixes the fuckery of these two things if you won’t fix their flaws as well? And even if she is kept like this in the fics, she’s not a total idiot. What the hell is wrong with Eric sitting down with her and having a rational discussion? EXPLAIN to her what is going on. Why he believes blah and blah should happen. If Sookie resists, remind her that because of his life experience, (NOT because he is a Vampire), perhaps he may be better able to read situations and events and that he didn’t get to be 1000 by being a moron. If they are supposed to be equals in these stories, treat them as such!

Eric and Sookie, especially Sookie, being used as pawns in fate/destiny/prophecy/The AP/ Niall’s plans. In too many fics Eric gets Sookie away from Bill, teaches her to have a backbone, shows her she is worth more than being just a waitress so she decides to go to university then all a sudden, the shit hits the fan and she becomes Queen/a baby making machine/ part of the council / super-duper Supe girl or all of the above. Why the hell can’t the poor girl get a degree?!?! I know we read fiction to escape reality but sometimes it’s nice to read about ordinary people, doing extraordinary things but still being able to live an ordinary life.

Everything must be designer. I swear in this instance it’s the writers obsession being put on poor Sookie here. I personally HATE designer. I pretty much almost always Google whatever the hell is mentioned in a fic (unless there is a pic already) and I so very rarely like any of it. Honestly, I swear designers have some kind of in-joke where they must make their shit as ugly as possible just to see if the snobs will still buy it because it’s a name brand. (“Quick! Grab that table-cloth over there, sew some peacock feathers on it, make sure it’s as shapeless as possible, and chuck it on one of those walker clothes hangers we call models. Let’s see if the wealthy will buy this shit!) And Tiffany. Aaaaaaalways Tiffany. I personally hate pretty much every single thing I have ever seen in a Tiffany store. Yeah it’s shiny but that’s all it is. May as well tape a torch to my finger.

Sookie has a magical sex-drive. In a lot of fics she is a virgin when she meets Eric. Usually, within about 10 minutes of meeting, they are exchanging blood and having sex. Not only does it seem to never hurt, (I haven’t had sex yet but even I know that shit is gonna suck the first time but reading all these fics leads me to believe that maybe, just maybe it won’t which is setting me up for a MAJOR let down), but apparently she is miraculously able to take a Vamp pounding and come back for seconds…….and thirds and fourths and fifths and goodness eight hours have gone by. Seriously, he is gentle with her the first time because, well, it’s her first time but apparently that is all it takes for her to suddenly become, not only his perfect lover, but accustomed to rougher sex. One second he’s ‘moving gently within her and the next he’s pounded her through the wall, through some trees over a hill and half-way to China. Again, we get it. Sookie and Eric and made for each other. We don’t want them to want anyone else but you don’t need to make sex become magical between them to keep them together. Reading these fics it seems as though all they do is shag and nothing else. Let them go to a freaking movie!

“Look at me, lover”. Self-explanatory. Apparently they must stare into each other’s eyes during sex in order to orgasm. *headdesk*

Sookie and Eric are always perfect. I don’t mean personality-wise but physically. I know that a lot of what fiction is, is escapism. When we read about our heroes we want them to be sexy and rugged and cut sharper than a Lumberjacks axe but sometimes it might be nice to read about not so perfect people. See, I’m fat. I had managed to lose a bunch of weight but it’s crept back on for various reasons but even when I was half the size I am now, my body still wasn’t perfect. Very few people are naturally perfect looking. So sometimes I find myself longing to read or watch something where a chick that looks like me can score a bloke that looks like Alex. Let’s face it: Alex gave us the perfect canvas to work with Eric-wise. He is so physically unf that I feel sorry for every single other male because, well, Alex. Wouldn’t it be nice to imagine that someone that looks like him might fall for someone that looks like me? Like you? As much as I detest the Twilight series, I give kudos to SM for the original intent behind Bella. She was meant to be an every girl; not ugly but not gorgeous either. She was meant to be kind of plain and ordinary looking and yet still managed to capture the attention of this ‘amazing guy’, *bile*, BECAUSE she wasn’t gorgeous. Her difference is what drew him to her. Well, that and her blood was the best thing he had ever smelled but we’ll ignore that bit. This is why Twilight became so freaking popular. Teenage girls going through the most awkward phase of their life found a heroine they could relate to; plain, clumsy, and quiet with nothing making her really stand out. CH was the same with a ‘curvy’ Sookie. Why do we, as women, who spend most of our time bitching about the fact guys expect us to be perfect and gorgeous like blah celeb when real women just aren’t like that and yet we ourselves write heroines that are gorgeous and perfect and beat down other women when they aren’t gorgeous and perfect. I swear, we are our own worst enemy sometimes……….

Lemons in every chapter. I’m not sure if this is a bi-product of 50 Shades of Crap or not but it’s almost to the point now that every fic must have minimum one lemon in each chapter which means they pretty much shag every day. Does Sookie never have her period? I know it won’t bother Eric but c’mon people. We understand that Eric (Alex) is hot as f*** and we all imagine that if we were in a relationship with Eric (Alex), we’d wanna shag him every moment of every day as well but from what I hear from friends who are married and in relationships, it just doesn’t happen that way. Again yes, this is fiction and we go to fiction to escape real life but once again, it is EVERY FIC. I swear Eric just waves at Sookie with his penis and she says hello back with her vag. He wakes, they start shagging and pretty much go at it for hours. The vag is pretty amazing, and can take a pounding, (hello childbirth!), but even I know that being pounded by a vampire, with his “huge penis” for several hours straight, is going to leave you a tad carpet burned. One night maybe, but every night? (See Sookie’s magical sex-drive). There is one fic out there that I do like quite a lot but every single chapter for maaaaaaaaany chapters follows this exact formula: Sookie wakes, misses Eric, reads note Eric wrote for her before going to bed for the day, eats breakfast (and we get details), does blah stuff with yadda people, heads back to the room, shags Eric (and it’s always screaming pounding seeing stars shagging), eats dinner, deals with blah plot point crap, shags Eric again (see prior description), goes to sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat. I wish I could say it is just the one story like this but it’s not; there are several others that follow almost the same formula. I know that imitation is meant to be the sincerest form of flattery but AAAGGHHHHH!!!!

Angst. Every story needs a point; readers have no desire to read the day to day boring monotony of a characters life because, well, that’s our lives! We don’t, however, want to read a story so filled with angst that we go back to reality to escape your story! Tension can help further a plot. We like a bit of upset to put our fave duo off guard but goodness me, some stories over the last year have been so tense that I haven’t read them to enjoy them, but to simply make sure the characters are alright! There is one fic I am thinking of right this moment that I started to read but stopped about 4 chapters in because I was so darn depressed with how insurmountable their obstacles were that I held zero hope there will ever be a happy ending. (Will read the last chapter when it’s finished, see if the end is a bit more chipper and will make up my mind from there). Several of my favourite stories deal with angst and drama in the perfect way: they go through it TOGETHER without long separations, kidnappings, rapes, draining’s etc. Kjwrit comes to mind as the perfect example of how to do it. Her stories aren’t always fluffy bunnies and farting rainbow unicorns but the characters deal with the crap together and she also doesn’t have that shit drag on for chapter after chapter after chapter. (One fic I read had 27 (!!) chapters of gut-wrenching angst and I was so close to giving up on it when finally! A break-through!)

Polyvore. I really don’t think it is much of a secret how much I am coming to despise this new fad. Don’t get me wrong: when describing a gorgeous outfit or wedding dress or stunning piece of antique jewellery, sometimes popping a picture in is easier and it’s nice to share the pretty you found! I am not against ‘illustration’, not at all. What I hate is turning your readers into a moron. The reasonable individual will actually know what a yellow tank top with crocheted butterflies looks like. That in no way needs a picture, and yet, 99.99999999999% of polyvores I see have everyday clothes and accessories that in no way need in-depth description. Again, special occasion outfit, pretties and maybe even hair-do’s I can understand but a tube of red lipstick? I am not sure if the writers are being lazy, are bored, or think we are all morons…. It’s so confusing!

This one isn’t so much a FFF but more of a personal annoyance. When I discovered True Blood two years ago I was drowning in fanfiction updates. Every day one of the stories I put on alert would pop into my inbox, causing squealing and hand-clapping and much edge of seat anticipation. In the last year however……nothing. If I get one update A WEEK that’s a good week. I understand several things. 1. Life gets busy. 2. Muses can suck arse at times. 3. TB / SVM is winding down so the pretty new shiny toy is a tad tarnished now so writers a looking for something less stale and fresher to work with. 4. The SVM series end was such a MASSIVE let down that it kind of sucked the enjoyment out of our fave duo but we clung to TB as our last hope, only to find that things ain’t looking so crash hot there either. What all of this means is that a lot of stories have either been abandoned, forgotten or put in the ‘too hard’ basket. And then there is something even more devastating; fics that start out amazing! Like truly amazeballs! They managed to avoid most of the above FFF and were well written and enjoyable then allofasudden it ends. Stories that had quite a ways to go all of a sudden got a rushed end and what should have taken 15 chapters minimum, was suddenly finished 2-5. Plot points are lost. Endings meh. Events make no sense or are just way to convenient. On and on it goes. This means I am not sure which is worse: abandoned or finished but so incredibly disappointing for the last two chapters I wish I had never fallen in love with it in the first place. (I am thinking of a specific story right now that even has its own little nick-name due to its major letdown of a conclusion). I know the authors are probably think they are doing the right thing by at least ‘finishing’ the story but it many ways it’s more insulting: to both the readers and themselves. Be honest. Say you’ve lost the groove for the story because it was taking so long. Say life is just too hectic right now to give this wonderful story its proper conclusion. Put the story on an indefinite hiatus, (and tell people that) or see if a still active writer wants to take it over. These are YOUR STORIES! These are your creations. You put a lot of work into it and is such a shame that you aren’t giving it the proper respect. You wouldn’t half build a house……..

I understand that in actually writing about this and putting it out there I am going against the trend of what most people do; “Oh my god. Loved it! Update soon!” I will probably make no friends and will offend almost every writer of fanfiction for this but that’s ok. I’m not doing all of this to be a bitch or cause issues or to insult everyone. I am writing these because I respect the art of storytelling and I applaud anyone that gives it a go but get so frustrated when the same thing is repeated over and over and over. (CSI: Amish anyone?) So yes, this is a taste of some of the things that make me dent my desk with my head. I am sure to add to this in future.

Meanwhile, I have new pics of Alex to stare at now………..

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29 thoughts on “Making my eye twitch Part 2”

I feel your frustration. I do. Half-way to china – OMG, that was sooooo gooooooood! yes, yes, you’re right, there are a few stories written early on that helped shaping the stereotypes we the sensible ff lovers find more and more ridiculous and offensive. Eric and Sookie don’t need to have sex all the time. I don’t necessarily agree she just has to go to school and get a degree, but I do think she has to have a goal and work toward it. Something that has NOTHING to do with vamps, telepathy, or any of that crazy stuff. While I’m guilty of certain vices you mention, I am also happy to report that for some authors quality of their work improves with time. We start seeing our faults. We begin to realize we can’t just keep writing these lemons, because, well, it’s boring. What Sookie wears, eats, or shits is just unimportant.

I have a theory as to why there are so many garden-variety stories out there in which Sookie jumps from Bill to Eric, is being stolen by Eric, etc, and he teaches her life adn love and all that goodness. I believe that these stories start with the conflict between the two characters, and we seek satisfaction in the process as they solve that conflict. Some readers/writers need instant gratification; hence, in just a couple of chapters Sookie’s totally into Eric, and they are banging the hell out of each other. The conflict is solved, and once it’s done, the story loses its appeal. Nothing left to hold our attention, to keep us wondering: ok, what’s next? That’s why a well-though plot is so important, to keep readers hooked. Eric’s enormous penis obliging Sookie’s super vagina will simply not do. For me. Well, it would for me, I mean Eric’s… ahem, I digress. Dang, I do love to digress every once in a while. Back to your post, I truly enjoyed reading it. Thank you for putting it out there for all of us. Our fandom needs educating.

I wish I could agree with quality of work improving. While the writing itself, (grammar, punctuation, sentence structure etc) may improve, I’ve actually been noticing a steady decline in the actual content of most stories. I have a few go-to authors i have in my mind I use as examples in private chat that frustrate me because they used to be amazing writers but over time, their stories are devolving into porn…….

Is it bad that I’ve started skimming past all the sex paragraphs (in fics where sex is over-used) just to get back to the actual story, and if it becomes obvious that the writer is depending on sex to carry the story, I just stop reading it?

Polyvore annoys me. The end.

“Oh my God. Loved it! Update soon!” – LMAO!! That genre of reader/reviewer playing follow-the-leader cracks me up. They’ll beg for more of just any old swill and not stop to think that they’re sometimes encouraging crappy writing, and that they’re doing the writer a disservice by blindly swallowing/approving tripe and begging for more. Instead they really should take a step back and realize that they’re worth a better story, and make nice, helpful comments to guide the writer AWAY from writing mediocre, overused, uninteresting, oversex’d crap. (Unless that’s what the writer actually wants to crank out?)

It does seem that many of the better writers have jumped the TB/SVM ship. That makes me sad because they have an awesome opportunity here to make the story “right,” to re-set the plot lines, to come up with something new and better, and to shed the tired old generic “fic canons” of the GP, of having Sookie always and ever give up/give over and do whatever demanded by the tired old prophesy/AP/Eric…without 268 consecutive chapters of annoying/useless/gratuitous angst or pounding Sookie’s automatically-wide/deep-enough vagina through whatever building with Eric’s super-long/big-dong. Repeatedly.

Oh, well. At least most intelligent writers seem to have FINALLY outgrown trying to either “dom” Sookie or shove Eric’s humongo-dick up her ass.

And I really want to read JUST ONCE where Eric commands Sookie to watch him, and she replies, “Noooo… You have a weird cum face…I’d rather keep my eyes closed.”

Oh God, meridiean! Everything you said! I thought perhaps it was just me skipping through the sex paragraphs – unless the writer managed to get somewhat original and write something that was actually stimulating – and like missron stated, every chapter? OK, being well past middle age, and married more than once, sex does not happen every day, and when it does happen, sometimes it’s mediocre – because you’re tired, stressed, and just want to go to sleep or want to sleep in…I know it’s fiction, but is there ever any chance that we can have our favorite couple act somewhat realistic? And just what is wrong in giving a real review? One does not have to be rude or mean, but you can write a negative review in a helpful manner. Is this not the point of writing a review? “Weird cum face” is going to have me laughing all week, and I won’t be sharing it with anyone! I’ll just keep chuckling & keeping that one to myself…to read Sookie saying this to Eric would make my YEAR, and it’s only January!

Thanks msbuffy! I’m so glad I’m not alone in these things. That’s one of the reasons I started my “rantings” – I got so sick of so many writers using so many of the same tired old plots and the same tired old…ugh…everything. *sad face* And, yep, I can totally see Sookie telling Eric that no, she ain’t gonna be looking at him cause she’d get a case of the giggles from seeing his weird cum face! 😀 I can’t wait to see what Sharon does with that one!

(And MANY stories really are {not so} surprisingly shorter and more coherent when you skip the sex parts!)

I hear ya, and I’m basically in agreement on all of your points. And when you add to it the writers who use incorrect grammar — then vs. than, do vs. due, weary vs. wary or leery…and the many others that make me want to pull my hair out — it makes it really hard to find fics worth reading anymore. My biggest concern, though, is that the fandom seems to be dying a slow death with the craptastic final SVM book and the likely-to-be-craptastic final season of True Blood. I still love Eric and Sookie as much as I ever did, but I’m afraid that love might eventually die without great fanfiction to keep the fire burning.

I find myself guilty of not updating often anymore — for me it’s due to real-life demands and not lack of inspiration — but I refuse to rush the ending and am determined to see it through to the conclusion I always envisioned. I even have the epilogue banked to prove it! LOL

There are apparently rumours of a True Blood movie to follow this final season. I have a feeling that if the fans get as miffed as I think, the movie will be a band-aid to fix it and give us what we want. I just cannot for the life of me understand why the writers are refusing the give us what we want. I would say that a good 75% of the fanbase are eric / sookie centred so why not give us that?

Lord, do not get me started on the grammar and the spelling, especially the from the ones claiming to have a “beta.” I believe these things are no longer being taught in our schools, or, if they are, they are not as much a priority as keyboarding, computer skills, math, and science. Learning how to properly spell the words associated within these subjects just might be a positive thing! Then again, there’s an entire generation who knows nothing about communication aside from what comes across through a text message or a tweet. Frightening.

Oh yes! I often wonder where these people went to school, or if they even graduated. It’s astonishing to me how one considers themselves a beta or editor when their “work” is just as awful! I have to skip those…

i think we as readers are just so desperate for more that we want to encourage ANYONE to write. Also the fact that most people don’t want to offend anyone else nowadays so don’t want to say, “I think your writing is wonderful but do we really need another story where Eric is a Dom douchetard?”

Ah but Wendy, the fact that I am BEGGING for Lemons means several things. First, they aren’t in every single freaking chapter and second, they are well written. Plus theres the added bonus that its a Ric sandwich and we all know that’s one of my favourite snacks…….

But your fics have storylines and plots and character development. Its like you understand how to write a story or something!

Thank you for speaking your mind, as always, and bringing up a subject that truly needs addressed. I do hope the fandom continues as these two are one of my favorite fictional pairings in quite some time, but the quality of the writing has devolved. Some terrific writers remain, and you know who you are, while others… I just don’t know. I do my best to stay away from FF & stick to the individual blogs, but sometimes it doesn’t matter. The lemons ARE great if they’re done tastefully; on the other hand, sometimes a little raunchiness can be fun! Sometimes, NOT all the time! I don’t need graphic details every time; I’m well aware of how Slot A fits into Slot B regardless of the length or girth and whatever one chooses to call Slot A! I agree with what one of the posters mentioned above – is it not more important in FF writing to change what was done in the books & on the show? Many of the great writers throughout the fandom have done this, while others have continued regurgitating the same old, same old. Many others continue to say there’s nothing left to write; everything has been written. I don’t believe this to be true. There are so many other ways this story could be written, whether it’s all-human or in an alternate universe. Use YOUR imaginations, not the creators’ imaginations.
Thanks missron80 for allowing us to share our frustrations with you, and I’m glad to know I’m not the only one needing the daily dose of Advil or more for the headbanging off my desk from some of the things I’ve read!

I laughed to hard reading this because I truly agree 100% with every point you made! I will skip through sex scenes if there is an overabundance of them, or they sound like they were written by a twelve year old that uses the word ‘lovestick.’ It’s annoying.

These are the exact reasons I stopped reading recycled fics I wasn’t willing to read any longer and started *gasp* waiting patiently on the ones I did enjoy and in the meantime started writing my own. My breaking point came with an A/N of a poorly constructed lemon that ended with something like… ‘you liked the anal? I never tried it so i hope it came out okay. hihihi.’ which was followed up by a whole host of emoji’s.

As a new writer I do have to say there seems to be this expectation of lemons throughout your fics otherwise no one will bother to read it. It’s interesting to read from the comments they get skipped over so often and I’ve seen a lot of fics strand at the moment just before a lemon scene is to come up. I fully accept that they’re part of this universe and it’s kind of hard to keep Eric and Sookie off of each other but to me sex in a relationship is as much a communication device as actual talking. CH did it better in that sense, it was sweet and tender in the beginning when everything was still exploratory, conciliatory after grief and pounding when they were avoiding an argument they were supposed to have.

I sometimes worry i’m a boring old fuddy duddy. I’m a bit of a rarity in that i’m 34 and yet to bump the uglies and i would love to find just one fic where sex is treated as an expression of love rather than the fact sex on the second date is expected. Shall be interesting how people react to my long fic when it gets posted…….

I think that observing from the outside often gives better insight than those moving about within. So I’m sure it will be an interesting read. Can’t wait to see it appear.

I’ve termed a lot of those fics as the ‘we fall madly into bed with each other’ type. It’s like fast food, good for a bit and then you feel guilty. Luckily there are still some gourmet dinners lurking about.