After the storm... a Ruben(TM) story

It's been little over a year since my messy divorce was finally signed by the judge. After 16 years of pure hell, 10 months of legal battle while still living with the enemy, I was finally set free and moved out.

The last 14.5 months of peace have been so strange. Granted, there's always some drama @ kids exchange and stuff, but is minimal in comparison to living with drama 24 x 7. I had forgotten how peace felt like. Not only because the last relationship was hell, but the one before that, and before that, and before that, and before that...

The last 10.5 months, with new Girlfriend and all, have been even better. It is on this part of the story where I have to admit I was wrong, love does exist and not all women are evil.

One curious and unexpected aspect of this whole thing, something I never expected, something nobody told me about: I'm remembering things.... all kinds of things. Bad stuff the ex did or said, good friends that I had forgotten about, hobbies I used to like, all sorts of stuff... important stuff... things I have no idea why I forgot in the first place or why I didn't acted upon and choose to ignore.

I wonder if maybe the hell I was going trough was so painful that I could not see past the problems. Or on other cases, its like I didn't wanted to see, like I forgot stuff on purpose, trying to believe the lies. And now, little by little, the veils are being lifted, the memories are coming back.

One very pleasant memory is from 1992. While living with 1st wife on a section 8 project, wifey was baby sitting a group of 5 or 6 kids. They all got bikes for Christmas but they didn't knew how to ride them. I had an MTB at the time and was riding daily, when these kids asked me to teach them how to ride. Their daddies had bailed, their mommies worked till late and I just could not say no... there was nobody else. I ended up taking all these kids to the local park every other afternoon, to ride bikes. They called me uncle Rube' and followed me in single line like little ducklings. I remember taking them to the nearby ice cream shop every time of them graduated off the training wheels. God I like them kids so much. I could not wait to have my own.

Some how, I forgot all about that part of my life. Even when I started training my own kids, couple of years ago, I didn't remember anything about my little cycling club in the early 90's.

It might remain a mystery why all these memories faded for so many years, or why they are coming back now. But I'm sure I'm glad they are coming back, after the storm.

Part of the damage caused by denial and isolation is that we do put up walls and those walls keep out the good as well as the bad. I know that I see pictures of my past and have a hard time associating an emotion with them, or when I realize it is a good emotion, it makes me sad that I no longer remember so much of my past, due to isolation.

Glad you are getting better and that the walls are coming down and the memories are returning.

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Originally Posted by colorider

Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

Very interesting post. I've been in nightmare relationships where the things & people that really mattered were slowly being stripped away from me. The ex-GF was threatened by anything that was not under her direct control. Finally when she delivered her ultimatum "Marry me or else" I said "Else, please" Got my life back, and 6 months later met my wife, an exotic Brazilian/American Indian women who knows how to treat a man. And how she deserves to be treated.

Going to forward your post to a friend of mine. He went through much the same story.

Working through the pain brought back old memories for me too, many of things I used to enjoy in the past. Glad things are working out for you. BTW, I first thought this was going to be another snowed in post and wondered how that could happen to you.

Wow, I didn't expected to see other people with similar experiences of "lost memories". I thought it was just a Ruben(TM) crazy thing. I'm not blaming anyone, not even the ex-wives. God knows I had many other painful things in my life besides them witches...

It's just amazing to see how people can forget certain things in time of stress, just to remember them later when times are appropriate.

...After 16 years of pure hell, 10 months of legal battle while still living with the enemy, I was finally set free and moved out.

The last 14.5 months of peace have been so strange. Granted, there's always some drama @ kids exchange and stuff....

I feel so badly for your kids, the story of the eviction, section 8 housing and the robbery made me sad. Do you think they've experinced the same "14.5 months of peace" you have since leaving the family? Does the rest of your family see the same "enemy" that you see?

I feel so badly for your kids, the story of the eviction, section 8 housing and the robbery made me sad. Do you think they've experinced the same "14.5 months of peace" you have since leaving the family? Does the rest of your family see the same "enemy" that you see?

IGH, about the kids... I can tell you that when the kids are with me, they experience a stable and peaceful environment. I hope is similar on "the other side" but I can't confirm or deny as I don't know much about what happens there. I can tell you they have been with me a LOT of extra time due to her not having electricity or water or even a roof. We have tell the kids other things tho... "mommy is working extra time" and things like that.

About "the rest of the family", I'm not sure which part you wanna know. My family can't stand my ex and the ex's family can't stand me. That has been the story for years. Both families are 2k miles away and there's no much interaction due to the distance. But if you are asking about the current GF, I can tell that she loves my kids and my kids love her. Her family and her friends have accepted me and the kids as if we had always been there. It's been an amazingly good and healthy relationship on all aspects.

IGH, about the kids... I can tell you that when the kids are with me, they experience a stable and peaceful environment. I hope is similar on "the other side" but I can't confirm or deny as I don't know much about what happens there.

Based on your posts here, it's clear to me that you know otherwise. You're very aware of just how hard your kids life is now that you don't live with your family.

I can tell you they have been with me a LOT of extra time due to her not having electricity or water or even a roof. We have tell the kids other things tho... "mommy is working extra time" and things like that. About "the rest of the family", I'm not sure which part you wanna know....

"Rest of the family" was referring to your kids, did they see your wife, their mother, as the "enemy" too? Could a reasonable person draw the conclusion that the nice convienent life you now live is at the expense of your children's well being?

Based on your posts here, it's clear to me that you know otherwise. You're very aware of just how hard your kids life is now that you don't live with your family.

"Rest of the family" was referring to your kids, did they see your wife, their mother, as the "enemy" too? Could a reasonable person draw the conclusion that the nice convienent life you now live is at the expense of your children's well being?

So did you wake up on the doosh side of the bed today, or is this your normal MO?

Ruben already answered that question, and since he seems like a reasonable guy, I would think that he is adult enough to not bad mouth his ex to his kids.

I would suggest that you leave your pre-conceived notions outside the thread, and be aware that your way isn't necessarily the right or only way. Also since Reuben's current SO likes his kids, her family likes his kids, and he is taking his kids more to cover for his Ex's inability to get her life together, it sounds like his kids are in good hands. I am assuming that you think Reuben should have stayed with the ex for the kids?

I see your confusion. You are trying to understand what happened during the storm itself, but there's no much detail about it here. That's because the thread wasn't about that and quite frankly, this is the internetz, where "nobody cares".

Now that I think about it, even if you digg the archives back to 2007 and read all the Ruben(TM) sagas, most of the interesting details about the storm WILL be missing. That's the first thing a good lawyer will tell you... don't show all your cards until the game is over.

Now, if you want some details, details I can provide. The storm is already over, I have nothing to hide.

Based on your posts here, it's clear to me that you know otherwise. You're very aware of just how hard your kids life is now that you don't live with your family.

"Rest of the family" was referring to your kids, did they see your wife, their mother, as the "enemy" too? Could a reasonable person draw the conclusion that the nice convienent life you now live is at the expense of your children's well being?

If my parents hadn't divorced I would never have known an amazing lesson: no matter what, if a relationship is not working, get out of it.

Shame on you for presuming to know what's best for Ruben and his kids. Shame on you for thinking that Ruben torturing himself by attempting to sustain an unsustainable relationship is best for him and his. Shame on you for assuming that he aims for a life of convenience for him rather than a life of love for his and his own.

My response would have been something along the lines of: "Does your bike have computer controlled suspension? Then shut your piehole, this baby is from the future!"

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Good luck Rube.....good luck.

You see, their morals, their code...it's a bad joke, dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these...These "civilized" people...they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve

My response would have been something along the lines of: "Does your bike have computer controlled suspension? Then shut your piehole, this baby is from the future!"

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Originally Posted by SingingSabre

If my parents hadn't divorced I would never have known an amazing lesson: no matter what, if a relationship is not working, get out of it.

Shame on you for presuming to know what's best for Ruben and his kids. Shame on you for thinking that Ruben torturing himself by attempting to sustain an unsustainable relationship is best for him and his. Shame on you for assuming that he aims for a life of convenience for him rather than a life of love for his and his own.

Come on dude, we ALL know about Rubens problems as he's posted them up in a public forum in detail for all to read. I'm sure based on that info we can make an educated guess as to what Ruben does and does not think about. When it comes to Rubes "misadventures in love" everyone here has the right to post an educated opinion, no shame. Not that I agree with Mr IGH, just sayin'

Last edited by ilikebikes; 01-11-11 at 08:11 PM.

You see, their morals, their code...it's a bad joke, dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these...These "civilized" people...they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve

My response would have been something along the lines of: "Does your bike have computer controlled suspension? Then shut your piehole, this baby is from the future!"

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Originally Posted by spry

That's it!The book!

"Misadventures in Love"
by RubenX

Royalties!

You see, their morals, their code...it's a bad joke, dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these...These "civilized" people...they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve

Sabre is right, when is not working, you have to get out... period....

I can agree with this sentiment when young children are not involved. When I read your posts on this subject, it's as if you're accepting your childrens' sad state as a normal part of your evolution/growth rather than a result of it.