Monthly Archives: April 2019

To help you with a mental picture of Chelsea, although she is 23, she can easily pass for 18 and with just a little effort, maybe even 16. Her height is about all that helps her appear a bit older as she is about 5′ 9″ and while I didn’t ask, I would guess maybe 115 – a very small frame. And the ringer for a more youthful look is her light freckles on her nose and high cheekbones that accentuate her already looking baby-face.

Her husband is on the burly side, maybe 220 on about a six-foot frame but not all fat. He’s muscular in a toned way, not super-buff. Stout! That’s it. He’s very stout. He looks even bigger when next to Chelsea. We’ve met him on several occasions as well. He’s more reserved and timid, whereas Chelsea is unfiltered and unedited.

Chelsea said after about two years of marriage she began having desires to be disciplined by Jaime. She started to miss the accountability and the motivation that the disciplining instilled in her, and yes, even a closeness she felt it could bring to her and Jaime.

While generally not someone to keep anything in, it took her a long time to say anything because she felt that she was betraying herself in a way. How could she want that? She didn’t want to be like her mom. How could she submit to be under the authority of her husband? That just isn’t right.

It nagged at her even to the point she acted out in negative ways. Passive-aggressiveness is one way we attempt to cope with unresolved emotions, and she became full-on passive-aggressive. After many arguments about stupid things that she often started, she knew she had to come clean and confess her “ugly desire” to her husband.

When she did, he 100% rejected the notion. And not just the idea of it, but the idea that she would even consider it. It made her feel terrible as in her mind it confirmed her fears that something must be wrong with her. But his rejection didn’t make those feelings go away.

So she pressed him from time to time, slowly increasing the frequency of broaching the topic. Finally, one day she really pushed his buttons and he spanked her. He was apologetic afterward and swore to never do it again, much to her chagrin. More time went on, another year and her passive-aggressiveness deepened. And then, Chelsea met Kayla. Then Chelsea met me and Mike.

Chelsea was like a sponge, wanting to learn everything about our journey into D/s. She said it opened her up to a greater understanding of what it could mean to be submissive. Until she met us, she just thought if she were to accept discipline from Jaime, it had to be just like her parents. In her mind, her mom was weak, cornered, and incapable of understanding this just wasn’t normal. Now, Chelsea knew DD could be anything they agreed it could be. Like me, she could have DD, Chelsea-style. If Jaime would agree.

Armed with a better understanding of her own emotions and how to better articulate them, she once again brought up the topic with Jaime. This time he didn’t reject her outright and at least said he was open to understanding it better, which led to our meeting Jaime.

It also led Chelsea to talk to her mom about DD, something she had never done in a true, open dialogue. Chelsea had brought it up before, but always in a judgemental way. Now, their conversations were more inquisitive and less inquisition. In turn, Chelsea learned a lot about her mom and her dad. While she still didn’t agree with everything they did and do, she had a greater appreciation for it.

Armed with new confidence and a more open-minded husband, they made an attempt at instituting some DD into their marriage. While Jaime was open-minded, he was still very reluctant, to the point that he asked Mike to help. This led to Mike actually spanking Chelsea in front of Jaime to give him a more step-by-step break down of things he should consider in a spanking, including the after-care. It got to the point that Jaime even called Mike to come over to administer several spankings as Jaime felt he just wasn’t doing it right.

Jaime was very concerned with hurting her, both emotionally and physically. It took some time for Jaime to feel confident that the “right” way was whatever way he felt comfortable with and that Chelsea accepted. I didn’t keep count, but I think Mike probably spanked her on seven or eight occasions.

Jaime still calls or texts occasionally to get advice on discipline. I have to admit I am a bit jealous as I like to be the advice-giver, but in this case, Mike is their de-facto “mentor.” They have even asked him over just to talk DD (and they have been over to our house as well).

Jaime feels like he has a new wife, the wife he first fell in love with. Her passive-aggressive behaviors are gone, and they are closer than ever before. As they say, Spanked Wife, Happy Life. Um, er, okay, that’s not how it goes, but it sure does for some people!

ISLAND OF MISFIT KINKSTERS
I feel a bit like our household is becoming theIsland of Misfit Toys,except it is the Island of Misfit Kinksters. Those people who feel they are doing it all wrong, or are having trouble reconciling their desires with societal expectations or simply looking for ways to express those desires in a safe and nurturing environment. There is my friend Valerie, and some of my other “lunch bunch” friends who have opened up a bit and shared some of the kinks they are into. This also applies to Matt. Oh, and John and Donna too. And yes, of course, Kayla.

PREAMBLEI like to think that my vibe puts people at ease. Comforted by my demeanor, they let their guard down and share things or ask for advice. As a former school counselor, it fits in with my schooling and chosen profession (I did it for about 6 years before being a SAHM), but it’s always been my default personality that my schooling simply honed.

I’ve shared that, Pre-DD, somewhere along the way I lost perspective. Instead of trying to guide people towards their answer and their truth, I simply laid down my answer and my truth. The result was I became very invested in their outcomes. This caused me to be frustrated when they didn’t listen to my “amazing” advice as well as when they did listen but things didn’t work out. Their problems became my problems.

I am now more disciplined – as in, “more controlled”, not as in, “more punishments.” Although who am I kidding? That applies too. HA! In fact, the latter has a lot to do with the former. I digress…

Any who, it’s not that I now avoid being a shoulder to lean on. I simply better appreciate the difference between “lending a shoulder” and “bearing their burden.” And yes, Mike is there to tell me to back off if he senses I am getting in too deep.

I stated all of that because two new couples have entered our lives that basically started as me being their shoulder to lean on. They both have such interesting stories that have ties to TTWD, thus my desire to share them with you.

JAIME AND CHELSEAThe first couple I want to share is Jaime and Chelsea. And that’s Jaime as in Hi-me, not Jay-me. And in case you are keeping score, technically this started as Kayla being the shoulder to lean on, not me – and actually ends with Mike being the shoulder they lean on. I surely didn’t see that coming.

Chelsea is a friend Kayla met at school a little more than a year ago. She was a freshman undergrad who met Kayla in a chance encounter, struck up a conversation, and they’ve been friends ever since. Although a freshman at the time, Chelsea is actually Kayla’s age. Chelsea got married right out of high school, worked her butt off, and started college at 21 or so.

It was unusual for Kayla to have friends of her own age group. Kayla’s friends are almost exclusively 5-10 years older than her as Kayla’s always enjoyed the company of older friends, even when she was little. For whatever reason, she and Chelsea clicked and became friends, probably because in a lot of ways Chelsea is also wise beyond her years.

Chelsea is one of these people with no filter. Says whatever is on her mind, but not in an arrogant or demanding way. It’s quite innocent, curious, and honest. Authentic! Yeah, that’s the best word for it. And it wasn’t long before Chelsea picked up on various clues and came right out and asked Kayla if she was someone’s submissive or slave. Yep, no filter.

Kayla honestly answered any questions. Not like every kinky detail, but sufficient to answer any particular question. It wasn’t long before Chelsea confided in Kayla that she likes to be disciplined by her husband. And, she shared that they have been struggling with it, in her words, “immensely struggling.”

At some point, Kayla asked if I would talk to Chelsea. Of course, I agreed. I spoke to her on many occasions, even having her over to the house a few times. She had a very different upbringing, thus my fascination with both her story and her situation. So, before I get into what Chelsea is struggling with, here’s some scoop on her upbringing.

CHELSEA’S CHILDHOODChelsea got married right out of high school to Jaime, who is four years older… she was 18, he was 22. Four years isn’t a lot, except for it is when, a month before their wedding, she was still in high school and he was 22. That’s a big life experience gap!

Chelsea said she just couldn’t wait to get out of the house and be on her own, and getting married was the best way to sever the apron strings – AND THE BELT! Yep, she grew up in a household where spanking wasn’t just the norm, it was a family institution. Although – Chelsea always refers to it as “discipline” and not spanking.

She shared that her father would spank everyone, including her mom. Chelsea is the second oldest of 5 kids – an older brother, a younger brother, and two younger sisters.

And the discipline was almost always a family affair. One was rarely spanked in private, and almost exclusively bare bottomed. The exception was her mom, who mostly, but not always, would be spanked in private, but well within earshot. Such discipline was the standard practice of her extended family as well. It all seemed normal to her and her cousins. They didn’t make it a topic of everyday conversation, but they didn’t hide it either. It was just normal. When someone got in trouble it was like, “So what kind of disciplining did you get?”

MISOGYNY RULES
The rules of her household were that the boy’s discipline would no longer include spanking once they turned 15, but would continue for the girls for as long as they lived under their parents’ roof. Further, once her brothers were 16, her dad would make sure they observed any spankings he was giving. He would break down the details for them, explaining why he chose a particular number of strikes or explaining the proper way to verbally chastise. Clearly, it was to prepare them to take on a similar role in their own households one day.

Chelsea said on two occasions her dad even had her brothers spank her. Once when she borrowed her older brothers car without asking. The other was for “disrespecting” her younger brother. That happened to be one of her last spankings. It happened when her brother was 17 and Chelsea was 18 but not yet out of the house. That one really upset her as she thought it ridiculous that her younger brother could be allowed to do such things.

And while Chelsea couldn’t wait to get out from under that sort of discipline, she said she never had ill feelings about it and still doesn’t. She feels her parents truly believe it is the right way to raise children, and neither she nor her siblings ever felt abused. It wasn’t like they lived in fear of being disciplined, and not every disciplining was a spanking. But with five kids, plus the mom, it was a rare week that someone didn’t get at least one spanking.

She was spanked the most. She admitted to a bit of a defiant streak, especially from about ages 13-16, plus her parents felt she needed to be an example for her younger sisters and thus held her to a higher standard.

While she disliked it enough to seek a quick way out (getting married), she said it wasn’t just the discipline that she wanted to avoid. It was that she did want to be subject to the many rules that often led to being disciplined. Things like chores and curfews. She couldn’t imagine going through college under her parents’ rules and consequences. Marriage was a loophole where they agreed to still help with some of the schooling costs and it gave her the freedom she desired.

Now that doesn’t sound fair to Jaime, but Chelsea said there was more to it. It wasn’t like she was going to run off with the first guy that seemed halfway decent. The two of them dated for two years (yes, a 16-year old dating a 20-year old), and she said her parents very much approved of Jaime. Although they didn’t approve at first, he grew on them. That will have to be another story if I choose to share it.

About two years or so into the marriage Chelsea realized she was missing something. That’s where things got interesting.

Life is good
Over the past many months I’ve increased my volunteering at an animal rescue and rehab, we’ve sort of re-invented our family evening times, I have an expanded IRL social circle, and I started tutoring an 8th grader. It has led me to simply deprioritize my internet time. Not out of any disdain. Something simply had to give and internet time was it.

Oh yeah, and I had a niece move in with us for almost a week while she sorted some things out. That was an interesting experience I can share when I get to it.

So much more to share. There are TJ and Kim and there are Jaime and Chelsea. Both couples have interesting stories by themselves, let alone how they entwine with my perverted and twisted world. hee- hee.

There are interesting updates on the family…well, at least interesting to me. Maybe that will be a post.

And we have a new DD contract! Wow, that certainly should be post-worthy. Not much has changed since our last one, but come on, Jen! Contract time is usually gold for several posts. . . contemplated changes, the actual changes, reconciling various emotions, reflection, how we are adjusting to those changes. Damn, that was probably four to six posts I let slip by! Oh well, I’ll just have to give you the short version someday. Hey, I heard that. Who just said, “There’s no such thing as a short version whenever Jen posts.” Was it you? I thought so.

And of course, a few interesting punishments here and there, and some new sexy-time intel I can drop on you (we’ve gone to a few “adult” parties). So yeah, lot’s to share when I can get to it.

And it’s not all just kink. We somehow got addicted to the Masked Singer and it became a family ritual to watch it. It had been a long time since we all got into the same show. It was a great bonding time and the show was so silly but so fun. When it ended, we started watching other reality shows, the Voice, American Idol in particular.

It’s a family ritual now and it’s nice to just sit around the t.v. and experience things together that are light and fluffy. Sure beats listening to the news and how our country is rotting from the top down while a segment of our society cheers the loss of our democracy and humanity while simultaneously wrapping themselves in the flag while clutching the bible. Oh, sorry. I digress.

The kink is still all there, even cranked it up a bit, and DD life is great! I hope to post more soon!

HELLO, IS IT ME YOU’RE LOOKING FOR?I’ll save all the “I’ve been busy” stuff. It will likely stay like that for a while, but today, “Yea! I got some ‘me’ time.”

Mike decreed a day off for me. No appointments, no commitments, no chores. Mike took Kayla and J out for the entire day so it’s just me at home by myself. So, I slept in a bit, which was really nice, and I surfed some television and had a relaxing morning. And now I am blogging!

With so much to share, I wasn’t sure where to start. How about a bit of Jenny-rant on the topic of swinging? Anyone? Okay, that’s one, two… alright, swinging it is!

CUCKS OR SWINGERS?First a vocabulary check. What’s the diff between cuck and swinging? The line is fuzzy and there is overlap. In my observation, like with most labels, the differences are more clear at the extremes.

A “pure” cuckold never participates in the sex and either simply knows their partner is with someone or perhaps even watches. They may not even have any say over who their partner is with. The less control, the greater the “cuck” and it can have strong feelings of humiliation for the cuck, which they thrive on. Contrast that with a “pure” swinger who is a couple who likely agree on their own “rules of engagement” regarding the sex they both have with others. No humiliation, just mutual sexual enjoyment with others.

Thus, I describe TTWD to be both cuckolding and swinging, depending on the context. Philosophically we feel more aligned with swinging than cuck, but, our swinging definitely can include cuck. Clearly, we are not Swinger-purists. So there you have it!

WHY WRITE ABOUT THIS?!?I was prompted to give this topic some thought because we recently expanded our “Circle of Trust” and have some new friends in our life. I am sure I will write about them at some point. As this couple was new to the lifestyle, I was put in a position to answer the question, “Why?”
Great question.

WHY HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE?I shared a little bit about my thoughts on this topic back on Post 237. Weird in a Good Way. But I figured I should explore those thoughts a bit deeper.

I researched swinging when we first opened up our marriage about three years ago because I had that same question. But now I had to answer it to someone else. I am sharing the concept that I shared with the couple who asked me this. I’d love to give credit to wherever I first read about these concepts, but I don’t know where it was. Of course, I’ve added my own opinions to it. Here’s how I internalized all that I recall reading about and how I answered the question, “Why have an open marriage?”

Quick disclaimer – I am not saying why you SHOULD have an open marriage. I am simply answering the question of why I do.

DESIRE VERSUS COMMITMENTIt comes down to desire versus commitment

Desire: It’s all the sizzle. . .

It is the promise that comes with novelty

It is the anticipation that comes with mystery

It is the excitement that comes with the unknown

It is the endless possibilities of our imagination

It is the pain of yearning that comes with distance from the object of your desire

It is the challenge of a puzzle that beckons to be solved

It is the power of attraction towards the person we desire

Commitment: It’s all the “boring” stuff. . .

It is the familiarity of routine

It is the security of the known and predictable

It is the comfort of a foregone conclusion

It is the constant closeness that precludes distance

It is the power of attraction towards the person to which we are committed

The “desire” that I describe is often summed up as NRE – New Relationship Energy. It tends to ONLY exist at the beginning of a relationship. If the relationship continues, it evolves into the Commitment phase. The only constant is the attraction. Yes, you are still attracted to the person, but, all the sizzle, all that NRE, is long gone. Simply put, everything that really turns us about someone — I mean, really lights that fire of desire in our belly — eventually fades.

The more attached we become to someone, the more we fear to lose them. To keep from losing them, we increase our commitment to them. In turn, if they fear losing us, they increase their commitment to you. By default, this increase in commitment decreases desire. Relationship rules and expectations begin to form to help us maintain commitment. These rules and expectations become a subconscious way we place controls on each other. Controls meant to add certainty, add familiarity, i.e., to add commitment.

We think commitment alone will keep our relationship safe. In fact, it can destroy the things that turned us on at the beginning of the relationship. It’s ironic that we want to know everything about someone so that there is no mystery, and by doing so, we choke the life out of our desire for them.

The relationship controls that we willingly accept in order to show and maintain our commitment can actually turn us off. Those controls can eventually choke the desire out of our own daily routine and impact how we view ourselves. They can fester and grow into resentments and feelings that actually undermine our commitment to the other person.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?About four years ago when I connected to all that I have stated here, in Jenny style I looked at it as a problem to be solved. We adopted DD and eventually opened up our relationship. Opened it first to each other, then to others. We did it by increasing the desire in our relationship.

We didn’t just increase one or two of those components but increased ALL of them. I am sure there are countless other ways we could have done that, but, the way that resonated with me and with Mike was via sharing ourselves sexually. First, 100% with each other (complete transparent communication and vulnerability) and then, yes, even sharing ourselves sexually with others.

This immediately and instantly increased every piece of the “desire equation” that I referenced in the above bullets. Instant NRE! And the cuck element is that we each feed off the energy of the other and find immense pleasure in the others pleasure. We also get a thrill from the taboo of it all.

Mike finds me irresistible when I find someone else attractive or I want to explore sexually with someone – or he tells me to explore and I comply. It’s full of mystery…What will it be like? Will I like it? What does the future hold? Everything is new, nothing is certain and the implicit danger and taboo enhances the erotic appeal. It’s a full-on adrenaline release. And I feel the same about him.

And whether we are watching the other or simply knowing the other is with someone, the lack of togetherness actually stokes the flames of desire. It raises the feelings of passion we have towards each other. It revives our routine, it opens us up to further sexual experiences and exploration together. BUT…

WARNING – RISKS!
It does have risks if you don’t have the right foundation for commitment. And because we first started with 100% openness towards each other and made ourselves 100% vulnerable to the other, we developed complete and total trust in one another. That foundation of an unbreakable commitment to each other allows us to explore life in endless ways, including sexual, without fear of losing that commitment from the other person. And all that exploration, whether sexual or not, only serves to flame our desire for each other. Thus we maintain BOTH desire and commitment towards each other. That’s very special and something we both cherish.