xoJane - Libby Kanehttp://www.xojane.com/author/libby-kane-learnvest
enCopyright 2015 Say Media, Inc.http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rssTue, 31 Mar 2015 11:07:09 -0700How To Avoid "I Deserve It" Purchases (And The Consequences That Come With Them)<!-- tml-version="2" --><p></p><div tml-image="ci01bb9133f001efe2"><figure><img src="http://a5.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI0ODUzMDY2NDAxOTgzMTA3.jpg" /></figure></div><p>Rachel Knight, 31, has countless stories about money being tight when she was growing up. There was the time when she was six years old and her parents couldn’t afford to take her younger sister to the doctor.</p><p></p><p>There were the mornings in the middle of January when there was neither hot water nor bath soap, so she had to take a cold shower with grainy laundry detergent. There was the teasing from kids at school who mocked the clothes she wore—the oversize, stained T-shirts that her family got for free from the church mission.</p><p></p><p>“People talk about being poor,” says Knight. “but unless you know what it’s like to go hungry so your kid sister can have the other half of the only bologna sandwich you’ll get for the day,” she says, “you don’t know a thing.”&nbsp;</p><p></p><p>Now Knight, a wife and mother, has a good job, and, in theory, is living the American dream. Still, though her household income is about $140K per year, neither she nor her husband has any savings.</p><p></p><p>And every month, the minimum payments on their credit cards grow closer to exceeding the cost of their mortgage. She knows she’s headed for financial disaster, yet she continues to hit the spa and download shopping apps from her favorite stores.</p><p></p><p>Knight acknowledges that her extravagant spending is likely a knee-jerk reaction to the lean years of her childhood.</p><p></p><p><strong>Why the Poor Spend More</strong></p><p>And she’s not alone: In fact, her spending behavior is echoed by scientific research. A recent study published in the <a href="http://pss.sagepub.com/content/24/2/197">February 2013 edition of Psychological Science</a> suggests that, surprisingly, adults who grow up with fewer financial resources are more likely to be heavy spenders during times of economic crisis, whereas those who grew up wealthier will respond to tough times by cutting back.</p><p></p><p>One would think that someone who knows what it’s like to be less fortunate would be afraid of doing anything that might put them back in that position again, but that’s not so according to Professor Joshua Ackerman, a co-author of the study: “As adults in times of stress, particularly economic stress,” he says, “people who grew up relatively wealthy tend to be more interested in saving whereas people who grew up relatively poor tend to be more interested in spending. Although neither strategy is irrational, the spend-now strategy could create longer-term problems over people’s lives. So, if you grew up relatively poor, you may have to battle your instincts or immediate preferences in times of stress in order to ensure your long-term financial health.”</p><p></p><p>RELATED: <a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2013/07/4-ways-to-trick-your-brain-into-banishing-bad-money-habits/">4 Ways to Trick Your Brain Into Being Better With Money</a></p><p></p><p>And, for Rachel Knight and others like her, often that first instinct is to whip out your wallet. “Every time I see something I want, I buy it,” Knight says. “Because if I don’t, my mind goes back to being that poor kid, living in the projects, and all I can think is, ‘I know I deserve better…’”</p><p></p><p><strong>How to Beat “I Deserve It” Syndrome</strong></p><p>“I deserve it” is one line with which Katie Brewer, a certified financial planner™ with LearnVest Planning Services, is very familiar.</p><p></p><p>“I hear it from people all the time,” Brewer says of her financial planning clients. “They spoil themselves as adults because they’re making up for all the ways they felt deprived as kids.”</p><p></p><p>RELATED: <a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2013/01/the-shopping-embargo-my-annual-8-week-buying-fast/">The Shopping Embargo: My Annual, 8-Week Buying Fast</a></p><p></p><p>In other words, although Knight is no longer poor, her spending habits are in danger of putting her back in the poor house.</p><p></p><p>“When I think about how my kids are growing up, I wonder if they are going to struggle with the same problems I’ve had because my parents never really saved much, and now I have nothing in my savings account,” she says.</p><p></p><p>But Brewer says Knight—and others like her—can change. “You are not your parents, and you are not your past,” she says. “Just because they went down a rocky path doesn’t mean that you have to.”</p><p></p><p>Here, the three things that Brewer says will keep you from reacting like a poor person—so you can finally live richly.</p><p></p><p>RELATED: <a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2012/10/the-4-biggest-financial-fears-and-how-to-conquer-them/">The 4 Biggest Financial Fears—And How to Conquer Them</a></p><p></p><p><strong>1. Avoid Deprivation Spending</strong></p><p>Saying “I deserve it” is one of the biggest culprits behind failed diets—and failed budgets. You see something that you want to buy (or eat) but you don’t really need, so you tell yourself no. Then that “no” starts gnawing at you and you feel deprived.</p><p></p><p>You may begin telling yourself that you’re a grown-up who can spend her money however she chooses. So you decide to treat yourself just this once. The problem, Brewer says, is that it’s never a good idea to make financial decisions based on a feeling of deprivation. Instead, she suggests turning the “I deserve” on its head.</p><p></p><p></p><p>“Establish larger, long-term savings goals,” she says, like a year-end vacation or a living-room makeover, something that will truly make you feel rich, not satiate a whim. Then, instead of telling yourself you deserve that pretty new dress, remind yourself of the bigger picture—and what you’ve chosen to save for over time.</p><p></p><p>RELATED: <a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2013/06/how-long-should-you-track-expenses-123/">Do You Really Need to Count Every Penny?</a></p><p></p><p><strong>2. Create a Three-Question Checklist</strong></p><p>Once your budget is set, it’s set … right? Wrong, says Brewer.</p><p></p><p>“When someone decides one afternoon, ‘I need a new pair of shoes’ or ‘My computer is running slow, I’m just going to replace it,’” she says, “these are the kinds of decisions that can throw you way off.”</p><p></p><p>We all have the best of intentions, but it’s those last-minute, emotional purchases that often get the best of us. The next time you’re in danger of thwarting your bottom line, do a quick mental check—whether you’re about to spend $5 or $500—by asking yourself these three questions:</p><p></p><p>- Have I saved up for this?</p><p>- Do I really need this?</p><p>- Will this delay me from meeting my goals?</p><p></p><p>Still not sure how much you should be spending and saving? The <a href="http://www.learnvest.com/knowledge-center/your-ultimate-budget-guideline-the-502030-rule/">50/20/30 Rule</a> makes budgeting easy.</p><p></p><p>RELATED: <a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2013/04/6-times-we-tend-to-overspend-and-how-to-stop/">6 Times We Tend to Overspend (and How to Stop)</a></p><p></p><p><strong>3. Know Your Shopping Triggers</strong></p><p>Maybe for you it’s shoes, or maybe it’s kitchen gadgets. Brewer says her clients who weren’t used to having money as kids often get that feeling of cash burning a hole in their pocket when they spot something they like. And there’s nothing that’ll make them go overboard faster than a 20% off coupon.</p><p></p><p>Of course, saving $15 at the grocery store when the items on your list happen to be on sale is a good deal. Taking home a $350 sea foam green KitchenAid you had no intention of buying just because it’s on special? Well, that’s a budget bomb.</p><p></p><p>Next time you’re tempted, Brewer suggests this tip: Don’t set yourself up to spend money you wouldn’t otherwise spend. In other words, unsubscribe from retailers’ mailing lists and flash sale sites, and steer clear of places (or specific store aisles) where you might be tempted to take advantage of a deal on something you don’t need.</p><p></p><p>Of course, when you are making a planned purchase, you should always look for a bargain, just don’t let the bargain come looking for you.</p><p></p><p>RELATED: <a href="http://www.learnvest.com/knowledge-center/14-steps-to-saving-big-at-the-grocery-store/">14 Steps to Saving Big at the Grocery Store</a></p><p></p><p><em>LearnVest Planning Services is a registered investment adviser and subsidiary of LearnVest, Inc. that provides financial plans for its clients. Information shown is for illustrative purposes only and is not intended as investment advice. Please consult a financial adviser for advice specific to your financial situation. The people quoted in this piece are not clients of LearnVest Planning Services.</em></p><p></p><p></p><p><em>Reprinted with permission from <a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2013/08/are-you-behaving-like-a-poor-person/">LearnVest</a>. Want more?</em></p><p><a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2013/04/4-people-1-salary-how-i-live-on-60000/"><em>4 People, 1 Salary: How I Save and Splurge on $60,000</em></a></p><p><em><a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2013/04/even-the-rich-fear-bag-lady-futures-123/">Even the Rich Fear ‘Bag Lady’ Futures</a></em></p><p><a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2013/05/the-life-you-have-vs-the-life-you-want-do-you-spend-on-your-imaginary-self/"><em>The Life You Have vs. The Life You Want: Do You Spend on Your Imaginary Self?</em></a></p>“I hear it from people all the time,” Brewer says of her financial planning clients. “They spoil themselves as adults because they’re making up for all the ways they felt deprived as kids.”http://www.xojane.com/issues/how-to-avoid-i-deserve-it-purchases
http://www.xojane.com/issues/how-to-avoid-i-deserve-it-purchasesIssuesMon, 26 Aug 2013 08:30:00 -0700Libby KaneMoney Problems Are Ripping My Marriage Apart<!-- tml-version="2" --><p>I can’t even remember when my husband stopped working.</p><p>And frankly, I don’t have time to think about it, between my full-time job and my fledgling business, volunteering at an after-school program to help teenagers prepare for the professional world and mothering two children.</p><p>But when I do think about it–when I think about all the times I come home to see evidence of his entire day’s activities cluttering the coffee table, or when I have to take our shared car to work and strand him at home because he doesn’t feel like getting up to drive me–I’m angry.</p><p>Why should he <em>get</em> everything, when I <em>do</em> everything?</p><p>The idea of a wife being the primary or sole breadwinner is a relatively new one (though<a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2012/07/new-study-shows-53-of-women-are-breadwinners-123/">&nbsp;a new study shows</a>&nbsp;that over half of American women are household breadwinners), but speaking as that sole earner: I don’t like it.</p><p><strong>How We Got Here</strong></p><p>My husband and I met on my first day of work, at a job with a local utility company that I got right out of high school. That job paid for me to attend college, and I still work there to this day. It took him two weeks to work up the courage to ask me out, and we’ve been together ever since, about 20 years.</p><p>I bought my house before we were married, so although he lived with me, I was the sole owner. In 2001, I took a new position and he left the utility company to care for our daughter after a surgery–I supported that, for obvious reasons. After, he re-entered the workforce to work for a friend’s mortgage company, where he made half of his previous salary.</p><p>Then, when the economy crashed in 2008, the mortgage company failed and my husband was out of a job.&nbsp;Since he would be home, he took on the role of Mr. Mom (though he hates when I call him that): cooking, cleaning occasionally and being there for our two children, who are now 7 and 16. Our kids are older now, and while I’d like him to go back to work, he isn’t interested.</p><p>While he was transitioning, so was I. I started my own party-planning company. Now, I work a 9-5 job at the utility company so the family has health insurance and a steady paycheck. Then, I work nights and weekends to supplement my income with party planning, which is my real passion.</p><p>I would love to do my event planning (a job my husband hates because it takes me away from the house) full-time<strong></strong>… but right now, we need my income to pay all of our bills. I don’t have money for an emergency fund, and my husband couldn’t support us if my business didn’t pan out. Unfortunately, I don’t see that changing anytime soon.</p><p><strong>He’s Happy With His Unemployment … and His Secret Money</strong></p><p>Considering that my volunteer work means I look into job opportunities for young people and help them with skills such as writing their résumés, I’m in the perfect place to help my husband with his job search.</p><p>He’s been unemployed now for four years, and is supposedly looking. He says that the economy is terrible and that there are no jobs, but I remind him there are job fairs and temp agencies. I forward job opportunities to him, but&nbsp;he has other arguments against getting a job: The kinds of jobs available (things like working for a local transportation company) are “humiliating”;&nbsp;there are no jobs to be had.</p><p>Those excuses are buoyed by the fact that he has money. From where, I don’t know, because he won’t tell me (frustrating, huh?). He thinks I’ll disapprove … which I will, if he’s getting it from his indulgent, retired parents or through gambling with his friends, both of which are possibilities.<strong></strong>His money goes toward groceries for the family, car maintenance, hanging out with friends and personal items, like clothes. He actually doesn’t hide his spending from me, but he never tells me exactly what things cost.</p><p><strong>My Finances vs. His</strong></p><p>We don’t share bank accounts. I contribute to my retirement savings and our children’s college fund, as well as pay the mortgage and the bills. He contributes to none of these things, and has at this point drained his retirement savings–but I couldn’t tell you how much that was to begin with, because he’s not open about it.<strong></strong></p><p>I have no savings otherwise, because all my money is needed to support our household.</p><p>I see our gender dynamic playing out in our children: Our teenage daughter is a hard worker who does her chores, participates in extracurriculars like debate team and interns with my event planning company. Our young son rarely does his chores or homework, but expects to get everything he asks for, when he asks for it.</p><p>He sees that his father doesn’t work for things, and he doesn’t, either. Plus, when I try to give him tough love, his father or grandparents cave in when I’m not around. Part of it is that he’s so young, but I worry he doesn’t have a male role model to teach him the value of hard work.</p><p><strong>What Next?</strong></p><p>Ideally, my husband and I would contribute equally to the household expenses. Even if he could cover half the mortgage, I would be happier. Right now, we can’t afford to go on a family vacation or renovate the kitchen, which needs some work. My husband knows how much his disinterest in working bothers me, and so does the rest of my family. (Except the children–I don’t want them to feel like I do, like their dad isn’t doing what he should for them.)</p><p>I do feel like I’m at a breaking point.</p><p>I’ve told him before that he needs to move out, but after 20 years, he knows how to apologize, promise he’ll change and keep me from pursuing a separation or divorce.<strong></strong>My friends say that if he was married to anyone else, he wouldn’t get away with this.<strong></strong>They say it makes me a pushover, and I’m puzzled by it, too.</p><p>I’m non-confrontational and generally very laid-back, but I have no problem standing up for myself … except when it comes to my charming, lazy husband.</p><p>Sometimes I think of getting divorced, but we live in Pennsylvania, which means legally he’ll likely be entitled to half of our assets from the marriage–half of <em>my</em>assets. I try so hard to be upbeat and not let this bother me, but on our last anniversary, I started telling him how I felt about his lack of contribution and motivation, and nothing has changed since then.</p><p>Our next anniversary is coming up fast … and I’m not sure we’ll make it.</p><p><strong>Note:</strong> Since Jessica told us her story, her husband has taken a job with the above-mentioned transportation company and now contributes $150 per week to household expenses–but she is suspicious about the amount and he refuses to show her his paycheck.</p><p><strong><em>Editor’s Note:</em></strong></p><p><em>We’re very grateful that Jessica has opened up to us and shared this very personal story. Please respect her willingness to share and be sensitive in your comments.</em></p><p><em>What should she do? LearnVest CFP® Sophia Bera suggests, “Sounds like they could really use couple’s therapy! She should either ask her husband to come to counseling with her or start going by herself so she can figure out what she wants to do. This is so emotionally charged that it’s not even about the money at this point. If he’s hiding money from her, that’s financial infidelity and he leaves her in a tough spot.”</em></p><p><em>What about advice for other couples struggling with income disparity? Sophia says, “When there’s a large income discrepancy, we generally recommend each person put the same percentage of his or her income in a joint checking account to cover the household bills. That way, one isn’t using half her salary for rent while the other only uses 10%.”&nbsp;If you’re consistently disagreeing with your loved ones about money, it’s probably time for a “Money Talk.” Read this for more ideas on </em><a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2012/09/6-ways-to-combine-finances-with-your-partner/"><em>how to combine finances</em></a><em> with a partner.</em></p><p><em>If you think your money disagreements are getting in the way of your relationship, consider speaking to a therapist, counselor or Certified Financial Planner® to help you sort out your differences and make a plan that will work for both of you.&nbsp;</em></p><p><em>As told to Libby Kaine by Jessica LaPierre.&nbsp;</em></p><p><em>Reprinted with permission from <a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2012/09/how-money-is-ruining-my-marriage/">LearnVest</a>. Want More?</em></p><p><em><a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2012/09/money-mic-how-were-putting-two-kids-through-private-school-on-one-salary/">Money Mic: How We're Putting Two Kids Through Private School on One Salary</a></em></p><p><em><a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2012/09/are-paid-job-listings-worth-it/">Are Paid Job Lisitings Worth It?</a></em></p><p><em><a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2012/09/employers-still-stingy-on-raises-this-year-123/">Employers Still Stingy on Raises in 2013</a></em></p><p></p>The idea of a wife being the primary or sole breadwinner is a relatively new one, but speaking as that sole earner: I don’t like it.http://www.xojane.com/family/money-problems-are-ripping-my-marriage-apart
http://www.xojane.com/family/money-problems-are-ripping-my-marriage-apartFamily DramaTue, 25 Sep 2012 11:30:00 -0700Libby KaneTrue Tales of Friendship and Money <!-- tml-version="2" --><p></p><div tml-image="ci01bba51f8000efe2"><figure><img src="http://a5.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI0ODc0OTY4ODU2MTk1MDQy.jpg" /></figure></div><p>Have you ever borrowed money from a friend?&nbsp;How about lent money? Covered the missing $10 in a restaurant check because you couldn’t stand to talk about it anymore?</p><p>Friends and money are both big parts of our lives, so overlap is almost inevitable. That overlap, though, can be fraught.</p><p>As it turns out, 20% of people recently surveyed by <a href="http://www.couponcabin.com/blog/post/new-survey-reveals-the-costs-of-friendship/">CouponCabin.com</a> have had “friend break-ups” over money issues, and 31% claim they spend more on friends than vice versa. (Perhaps we shouldn’t have been so surprised, after reading this story about <a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2012/07/the-mistake-that-plunged-my-credit-score-200-points/">the money mistake that ended a friendship.</a>)</p><p>We wondered: What are the different shapes that money issues with friends can take?</p><p>So we asked four women to tell us their stories of friendship and money gone wrong. To avoid even more awkward friend moments, we’ve changed all of their names. Now we hope you’ll share your own.</p><p><strong>Sophie: On Being the "Poor" Friend</strong></p><p>In my family, it was understood that once I graduated and moved to New York City for my first full-time job, I would be financially independent. I was excited, my parents were expectant and my college friends who moved to the city with me were surprised.</p><p>That’s because they were still getting money from their parents and using that cushion for nights out at clubs with $20 covers and $16 cocktails. Meanwhile, my paycheck barely paid my rent and my bills. “Seriously,” I’d say to them, “I only have $30 to spend this week. Let’s cook and eat at my place.”</p><p>But somehow, for my friends, my penchant for “Two-Buck Chuck” -- discount grocery story wine decidedly in my budget -- wasn’t appealing when weighed against dinners at trendy restaurants. So I found myself turning down invitations. From their perspective, I wasn’t putting much effort into the friendship. From mine, they were valuing their need to go out over spending time with me. It definitely sparked some fights, but it wasn’t so much the money as the fact that we couldn’t understand each other’s perspectives.</p><p>Eventually, these friends became varying degrees of financially independent, and now that they have to support themselves, they’re a lot more receptive to Two-Buck Chuck. But although we’re still friends, I feel like their lack of understanding taught me how central money is to relationships. Now, I try to be as sympathetic as possible when they tell me they can’t afford to go out. I might even find the role reversal satisfying … if I weren’t still on such a tight budget myself!</p><p><strong>Michaela: On Buying a Friendship</strong></p><p>I met Brandi my first year of college, when she lived right down the hall. She was smart, fun … and came from a less fortunate family. Although she was on scholarships, she always held jobs. I, on the other hand, was lucky that my parents could to pay for my education, and provide me with ample spending money. Despite our differences, we became fast friends.</p><p>Since she never had the cash to go off campus, I fell into the habit of paying her way at movies, dinners and anything else. She was conflicted about accepting, but I put it this way: The pleasure of her company was worth it to me. We soon fell into a routine of me treating her to outings, but at some point, the balance shifted from me offering to treat … to her assuming I would pay.</p><p>Brandi would call me up and say “Let’s go out, you can pay!” and I disliked it. I felt like I was being taken advantage of. She never tried to repay me in ways she could afford, like making me tea or bringing over chocolates, not even gestures that don’t depend on money. I’m sure she figured an extra $20 here and there didn’t mean much to me, but it did add up. Eventually I avoided hanging out with her, or came up with the cheapest possible way for us to hang out, like chilling in our rooms. I realized I should have been figuring out affordable ways for us to connect all along, instead of setting up the dynamic of my treating.</p><p>But then she went home over the summer and had trouble finding work. She called me and said she was living off mac and cheese and was hungry, and that she couldn’t afford a plane ticket back to school. Could I lend her $400? So I did. I felt honored that she trusted me enough to ask, and honestly, liked that I could put a price on what a good friend I was.</p><p>She paid back my loan the minute she had the money -- it was a large enough sum that she and I both took it seriously. Now, we live in different cities and aren’t as close as we once were. If she needed another loan, I would do it in a second, but I’m glad we’re no longer in a position where I feel like I’m footing the bill for our friendship.</p><p><strong>Phoebe: On Freeloading Friends</strong></p><p>After moving to New York City two weeks before my childhood best friend, Sarah, I found an apartment and told her that she could stay with me for a couple weeks while she looked for a place of her own. She moved in when I did, and was with me on my first night in the new apartment, both of us on an air mattress.</p><p>Another roommate, Tina, bought a couch for our living room, which Sarah slept on while apartment-hunting for the next month. Sarah bought our first trash can and some roach baits (this was my first NYC apartment, after all) but I couldn’t help feeling she was neither a roommate nor a house guest. She wasn’t cooking dinner once in a while to show her thanks, or outright thanking the three of us profusely. But, a month in, she also wasn’t paying any rent -- and didn’t offer to. Meanwhile, each roommate was paying $900 a month.</p><p>Then the couch broke -- it was $300 from a dodgy neighborhood place with no warranty -- and Tina blamed Sarah because she’d been sleeping on it. Between Sarah not offering to replace the couch or pay rent, Tina’s patience ran out. My roommates staged an intervention for me, saying they felt taken advantage of, and asked me to demand rent from Sarah in the hopes it’d incite her to leave. So I asked Sarah to chip in $15 for each additional day she stayed.</p><p>She found an apartment and moved out less than a week after I asked for money. Was this just coincidence, or was she only using us for free housing?</p><p>I wish the story ended there, but it took Sarah about three months before she finally gave us the $75 from that last week and returned the keys, and she avoided my calls for months (out of anger and shame, I later learned). We eventually made up, but our friendship has never been the same. For me, this incident wasn’t really about money. It was about feeling used … and being caught between my two best friends.</p><p><strong>Victoria: On Being the Money-Toxic Friend</strong></p><p>I am a money-toxic friend to one of my BFFs, and I feel terribly guilty about it. The worst part is that even though I know I play this role, I sometimes can’t stop myself from doing money-toxic things to him.</p><p>I make more money than this person, whom I’ll call B. B is not destitute at all. He has a nice apartment, travels a lot and is fairly relaxed about small amounts of money. He never hesitates to spot me a tenner for a cab or to tip generously at restaurants. But I also know he’s not saving as much as I am for retirement or emergencies.</p><p>Although we seem to spend similarly, I may have more spending money, too. B was stunned one time when I, on a whim, spent $100 on some jewelry. And sometimes, I suggest we go out to restaurants that set us back $50-$100. It’s a lot of money for me, too, but I can make it work. I think those meals put B over, and so he’ll sometimes say he doesn’t want to go to such an expensive restaurant.</p><p>I’ve been trying to stop putting him in these situations, partially because I also don’t want to spend tons of money on dinner, and partially because I don’t like being the money-toxic friend. And lastly, because I care about B and his financial health more than I do about fancy restaurants.</p><p><em>Can you relate? We’d love to hear how money has impacted your friendships.</em></p><p><em>Republished with permission from <a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2012/08/readers-spill-true-stories-about-friendship-and-money/">LearnVest</a>. Want more?</em></p><p><a href="http://www.learnvest.com/how-lv-works/bootcamps/priceless-style/?utm_source=partner&amp;utm_medium=partner&amp;utm_campaign=syndication_bootcamp">Conquer Your Closet With Free Priceless Style Bootcamp!</a></p><p><a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2012/03/8-friends-who-are-bad-for-your-finances/">The 8 Financial Frenemies to Avoid</a></p><p><a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2012/08/quiz-are-you-a-smart-spender-or-just-plain-stingy/">Quiz: Are You Stingy?</a></p>Friends and money are both big parts of our lives, so overlap is almost inevitable. That overlap, though, can be fraught.http://www.xojane.com/relationships/true-tales-of-friendship-and-money
http://www.xojane.com/relationships/true-tales-of-friendship-and-moneyRelationshipsMon, 27 Aug 2012 09:30:00 -0700Libby KaneHOW-TO: Ask For A Raise And Get Yes For An Answer<!-- tml-version="2" --><p>We’re told over and over again that women are too reticent, <a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2012/04/salary-negotiation-strikes-fear-into-female-hearts/">too lacking in confidence</a>, too timid to ask for a raise.</p><p>But we are asking. And we have proof. We found four real women who negotiated for raises, and got them. These aren’t career coaches or hiring managers -- they’re just ambitious, conscientious women like we are, who made things happen for themselves.</p><p>Names have been changed to protect those who shared their successes -- and prevent them from encountering any awkward situations at work.</p><p>Remember, if they can do it, you can, too.</p><p></p><p></p><div tml-image="ci01bba4eb6001efe2"><figure><img src="http://a3.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI0ODc0NzQ0OTgwODQzMTM5.jpg" /></figure></div><p></p><p>Negotiating is happening here.&nbsp;</p><p><strong>Rosemary, Reporter</strong></p><p>I was at my job in New York City for about a year when I figured it was time to prepare to negotiate a raise, so I started using sites like Salary.com to find what people of comparable experience and qualifications were earning. I quickly realized that I was making less than the industry norm.</p><p>I got along well with my colleagues, so I asked in the spirit of solidarity: “I’m looking into pursuing a raise, and it’s good for all of us to know what we’re worth.” They were happy to share, and I quickly realized that a male co-worker who had been hired after me with the exact same credentials (down to the same journalism school!) but less experience was making 15% more than I was! To add insult to injury, it’s not that he had negotiated from the outset and I hadn’t: Neither of us had negotiated our first offer.</p><p>I wanted to be upset, but I had to get strategic.</p><p>I started asking friends who were attorneys about my situation, and they pointed out that my employer was likely violating the Equal Pay Act; I was the only woman in my office. My boss at that time was new, so hadn’t hired me and wasn’t aware of the disparity. When I pointed it out to him (as advised by my lawyer friends), he brought it up to the CEO and I was granted a 15% raise immediately.</p><p><strong>Amy, Pediatrician</strong></p><p>Medicine is different from other fields in that if you’re working in a private practice and making a salary, you can expect to have a conversation about becoming more of a partner around the five-year mark. Then, instead of getting a set salary, you share in the company’s profits with a proportional bonus each year.</p><p>In my practice of six doctors in Michigan, I’m both the only one who doesn’t have children and the only one who works full time. Consequently, I have ambitions to become a partner. After three years, I noticed how much more the owner of the practice did than his staff: He was dealing with angry parents, negotiating with health insurance companies, ordering vaccines, hiring new employees. Since I did want to become a partner one day, I started asking myself: What could I take on to get to there?</p><p>So I asked. I told him I was interested in learning more about how the business functions and how I could help, and asked how I could move up in the ranks. Not only was he appreciative that I noticed his work, but he told me I was the only one who had ever asked him how to transition to the business side of things.</p><p>He inquired how much I want to be making, ultimately, and we sat down and figured out how I would get there. We ironed out my responsibilities and pay raises for the next five years (it works out to 10-15% per year). By demonstrating my commitment to the practice and asking how I could grow with him, my boss was able to plan on my being around and reward me accordingly.</p><p>Being upfront with my dedication to his business made it easier for him to invest in me.</p><p><strong>Susan, Editor</strong></p><p>After graduating in a recession, I believed I would be lucky to have any job besides “unpaid intern.” So, when I got a paid internship, I worked my way into a staff position and then another -- and with that second promotion, I asked for more money.</p><p>My company is a non-profit, so we’re all working for the greater good. In this kind of environment, asking for money can seem greedy and crass. Add to that the fact that I’m one of the youngest people to hold my position, and I was understandably reluctant. Until now, I had always seen my salary as how much money I had, not how much I was worth. And since I could pay my bills, my rent and my student loans, it felt like I had enough.</p><p>But then the woman whose job I was taking over told me I should negotiate -- she was moving overseas, so I felt comfortable opening up to her about my salary, and she felt comfortable giving me an outside perspective on assets I didn’t realize were valuable: my experience in the field in college (I had been an editor at the college paper), my familiarity with the office culture, my willingness to work more hours and be connected 24/7.</p><p>After realizing how helpful it was hear an objective view of my value, I started gathering intel from people who were similarly non-competitive with me: I asked my former boss for his advice, and my friend who works in finance.</p><p>Between the two of them, I settled on asking for a 20% raise. Once I got past my worries about seeming presumptuous, the actual negotiation was easy. I brought notes into my meeting (on my friend’s recommendation) and went through the points about my worth. My boss took my suggested number back to the appropriate channels, and a week later, I had a new job and a higher salary.</p><p></p><p><strong>Eva, Vice President at a Non-Profit</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p>When I was offered my first job as a graduating senior, the idea of negotiating my salary seemed absurd. I felt lucky that anyone would give me a job, and also feared that negotiating my salary would be painfully awkward and potentially damage my relationship with my new company and boss. But after learning that women end up with much lower pay throughout their careers partially because of failure to negotiate, I decided I had to do it -- if not for me, then to break the pattern!</p><p></p><p>When I called to respond to my job offer, I took a deep breath and squeaked out, “Is there any flexibility with the compensation?” My boss asked me how much I wanted to make, and I asked for $10,000 more than they offered. Two hours later he responded and I was given a 17% raise. My first thought was “Wow, it actually worked!” and my second thought was, “I wonder if I could have gotten more?”</p><p></p><p>Since then, I have always negotiated my salary, even if the starting offer is high, and have actually come to enjoy it. Before negotiating, I remind myself that the company wants me or they wouldn’t offer me the job, that the person making the offer probably makes a lot more than I am being offered and that my company will respect my ability to communicate clearly regardless of what happens.</p><p></p><p>Then, I take these three steps, always staying positive and energetic:</p><p></p><p><strong>1. Not Waiting for a Call:</strong> When I am called with an offer, or a counter offer, I always say, “Thank you. I am incredibly excited about this opportunity and appreciate the offer. Can I call you back this afternoon to discuss some details?” It keeps me calm and makes me feel like I have control of the conversation.</p><p></p><p><strong>2. Asking for at Least 20%:</strong> I normally ask for a 20-30% salary increase. I don’t know how I decided on this but it has seemed like the right amount to ask for. I want to make sure I ask for much more than I actually want, recognizing that their second offer will be lower than my request. I also provide a reason for ask for an increase (the cost of living in the city, the level of responsibility required, the average market salary) but don’t go into details.</p><p></p><p><strong>3. Remembering It’s Not All About Salary</strong>: Because time and flexibility are very important to me, I also often ask for increased vacation time or other benefits, such as paying for a class or training. One job wouldn’t give me much extra salary, but I got an extra week of vacation every year and actually had my new boss apologize for not being able to offer more.</p><p></p><p><em>Reprinted with permissoon from <a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2012/08/how-real-women-got-raises/">LearnVest</a>. Want more?</em></p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2012/07/11-tips-to-get-a-promotion-straight-from-the-mouths-of-bosses/">11 Tips to Get a Promotion, Straight From Real Bosses</a></p><p><a href="https://www.learnvest.com/mylv/login">Make the Right Moves With Free Build Your Career Bootcamp</a></p><p></p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.learnvest.com/2012/06/no-more-excuses-9-real-reasons-youre-still-broke/">9 Reasons You’re Still Broke</a></p> If they can do it, you can, too.http://www.xojane.com/relationships/how-ask-raise-and-get-yes-answer
http://www.xojane.com/relationships/how-ask-raise-and-get-yes-answerRelationshipsWed, 15 Aug 2012 11:30:22 -0700Libby Kane