When we last left Nazi coffee enthusiast, Peter King, he was coming back from vacation FOR A MONTH and telling you about all the cool stuff he learned. Did you know Adolf Hitler was born in Austria? And that he wore riding boots? And that he murdered over six million Jews? WEIRD.

So what about this week? Will Peter do more traveloguing? Did he find any more precious Yogi nuggets, presumably that Yogi left behind in the Rao’s restroom? Is Fenway Park still Peter’s top ranked baseball stadium, provided he gets excellent seats and is treated like a pube-headed GOD? READ ON. This week’s edition is tasty, flaky, fresh!

IN THE USO-MOBILE, ON I-81 IN CENTRAL VIRGINIA — Camps are open. Football’s back. I’m on the road, writing Monday Morning Quarterback in the cab of a big rig near the Blue Ridge Mountains.

WEIRD BLUE RIDGE MOUNTAIN FACT: Judge Judy vacations there quite often. Other Judytoids: Were you aware that Judy received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame five years ago? And that her robe on the show is a cotton/poly blend? And that her twat smells like pistachio shells?

Intrigue’s happening.

This new intrigue intrigues me, Sir Bedivere. Explain again how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

Life is good.

Oh, do you not have a USO big rig to cart your dumpy body around the country, visiting training camp after training camp? Pity. You should really try it sometime. Especially YOU, Albert Breer. What are you doing driving that rented Ford Focus to every camp like a sucker? YOU’LL LEARN ONE DAY TO WORK IT LIKE THE KING.

First, the headlines of the morning:

-Hitler disliked prunes!

-Judge Judy is a huge Texas Rangers fan!

-Try dinner at the Westend Bistro!

The Eagles wouldn’t have signed Nnamdi Asomugha without a simultaneous middle-of-the-night exchange of text messages between GM Howie Roseman and the agent for Asomugha, Ben Dogra, 15 hours before he agreed to terms with Philadelphia.

I got to eavesdrop (with permission) on Dogra’s negotiation jousting with the Falcons over guard Justin Blalock Friday night/Saturday morning…

It’s not eavesdropping if you were given permission. Take it from someone who puts a glass to the wall in virtually every hotel room he stays in.

How’d we all miss Nnamdi to the Eagles?

BECAUSE YOU WERE BUSY TALKING ABOUT YOGI BERRA, YOU SHITDIGGER.

Dogra… had a message to deliver to Roseman first. “Don’t you think it’s strange we haven’t communicated in five or six hours, and all of sudden we send each other texts at exactly the same time? Are you sure we don’t want to explore this one last time?”

“Don’t you see that this is FATE? You were destined to give my client $25 million up front. ‘Twas foretold in the Newish Testament.”

Dogra’s no mystic, but he’ll always believe there was something eerie going on when two texts were sent simultaneously, and two phone calls made within 10 seconds of each other, all by the three people involved in making a deal happen.

I know! So weird that the principles involved in a high-end business deal would all call each other a lot! IT’S LIKE STARING AT A OUIJA BOARD.

This I knew: Jerry Richardson had his heart transplant on Super Bowl Sunday between the Steelers and Cardinals.

I knew this because Jerry asked me to bring him cookies and Gatorade right before he got dropped off at the hospital.

This I didn’t know: It was an NBC game that day, and when Richardson was being prepped for surgery, he had one request before being put under. “I wanted to hear that Faith Hill song,” he said.

Holy shit, Jerry Richardson has the worst taste in music ever. They never should have repaired his heart, which I assume is made of some kind of grit-and-salt pork mixture.

The NBC theme song for the football game was the last thing, other than some personal words from his wife, he heard before the transplant.

So touching. That a rich asshole would want to hear an awful song right before having an expensive heart procedure he could easily afford. It’s like the end of “Life Is Beautiful,” really.

Four things about the deal he loves:

“I get to overpay Charles Johnson!”

“I was told I’d get at least one free Negro to clean my barn!”

“I get to own the league’s most nondescript team!”

“PLAYERS CAN’T LISTEN TO THE HIPPITY BOP IN MAH LOCKER REWM.”

“(Roger Goodell) was by far the driving force to getting this deal done,” Richardson said. “when we picked this man five years ago, what a decision we made. He’s 52 years old now, and he’s demonstrated clearly his ability to take complex situations and make the best of them for our league. He got a 10-year deal in this climate in the sports business? Amazing.”

“And when he farts, OIL comes out! Pure, clean petrol. It’s like nothing else you’ve ever seen! And he can do sixty chin-ups in thirty seconds! And he knows MAGIC! REAL MAGIC! The kind they practice in Arabia! Write this down, Peter: ROGER GOODELL IS BASICALLY JESUS IF JESUS WERE CLEAN SHAVEN AND HAD SOUND FISCAL INSTINCTS.”

Five thoughts about the opening of camps:

1. Thank God there are no pesky Europeans to cut in line here in beautiful Ashbu… HEY THAT GUY GOT ON THE ELEVATOR BEFORE ME!

2. As a city to have fun in, we underrate Calgary.

3. The only thing that would make Packers camp better is if Billie Jean King sang for the kids.

4. Saw a man drive right over a piece of tire on the interstate. Buckner-like.

He’s a confident kid, even though he doesn’t know half of what he needs to know yet.

He’s not unlike Albert Breer. How’s your room at the Clarion, Bert? AMATEUR. OH TO BE YOUNG AND STUPID.

He’s very well-liked by the fans, and that’s helped by signing as many autographs as any Panther in camp so far.

QUASI DERRICK MASONESQUISH!

And though his accuracy is very much a work in progress (he missed six or eight open receivers Sunday), he does throw a beautiful deep ball…

That no one can catch.

One more reason why all teams should go to small college campuses, the way the Panthers do at Wofford College: They eat in the student union, and hang out there after lunch, with the real people…

Unlike people at the team facility, who are mostly made of carbon fiber.

— students who might be on campus, media, fans. On Sunday, one of the Panther players went to the piano in the corner and began playing a Mozart sonata. There’s nothing wrong with that.

WEIRD MOZART NUGGET: He was NOT Hitler’s favorite composer. That honor goes to Wagner. WEIRD.

ESPN will release this week a proposal for a new passer rating, called the Total QBR, or Total Quarterback Rating. It has been developed by several quarterbackmeisters at the network — most notably Trent Dilfer…

“Super Bowl wins are worth a zillion points!!!!!!”

“This is a game-changer,” Dilfer said.

It could be just the thing we need to cure AIDS.

“Mark my words: This is the number scouts and coaches and the media will use to quantitatively discuss and judge the ability of quarterbacks going forward.”

What I like about it is that ESPN finally accounted for NOWNESS in its calcuations.

If it sticks, of course. You know how the sporting public (and the larger American public) is with new ideas.

I know! Stupid asshole Americans. They lack VISION. You never see them drinking water with their espresso, or trying Nazi coffee. We limit ourselves in so many ways.

But judge for yourself. ESPN will explain the proposed Total QBR in a special Friday night show at 8 Eastern with Dilfer and the Monday night crew — Mike Tirico, Ron Jaworski and Jon Gruden.

GRUDEN: THIS RATING… You talk about a rating that’s accurate and polished!

JAWS: The numbers! The algorithms! I think this stat we made has a bright future in the National Football League, Inc, of America, Which Resides On Planet Earth, In the Milky Way Nebula.

So I’m on the road in the Mobile USO, a 40-foot truck/RV the troop-serving agency uses to get to troops who have no USO facility near or on their bases.

YOU ARE WASTING VALUABLE RESOURCES. PETER KING SHOULD NOT BE HANDED THE KEYS TO THE EM-50 URBAN ASSAULT VEHICLE. IT BELONGS IN THE HANDS OF REAL GO-GETTERS.

I started the camp trip Friday in Flowery Branch, Ga., working on a story that will run in the magazine this week, and the crew joined me Saturday at Falcons camp. I ride in the big rig with the drivers, who alternate driving while I write in a captain’s chair on the passenger side; only two guests can ride in the big vehicle at once. And the other two ride in a trailing minivan. The USO provides the Mobile USO; SI is paying all expenses.

BUT YOU’RE STILL WASTING A VEHICLE GOD DAMMIT.

Then Lou climbed into the driver’s seat and we started buzzing up I-85 toward Redskins camp in Northern Virginia, 490 miles of bumpy bliss while writing this column. Let’s just say I would have written longer overnight if the interstate highway system in this country weren’t as much of a roller coaster.

/immediately writes to congressmen to raise $4 billion to make American roads bumpier and less navigable.

By the way, way to complain about being unable to write from the seat of a fucking luxury big rig that you are being personally chauffeured around in. WHY CAN POOR PETE’S LIFE BE PERFECT AT ALL TIMES?

For those who have asked about my schedule …

Who did this? SHOW YOURSELVES. You know how the man loves to go through schedules. Have we learned nothing from the Great Papa Itinerary of ’10?

Today — The Redskins, in Ashburn, Va. One of the mystery teams in the league.

I know! SO MYSTERIOUS. Will they win four games or five? And just HOW shitty will John Beck be? America needs to know.

Good buddy Dan Graziano is threatening to make it a Nationals evening tonight in D.C. We shall see.

At the 22nd ranked ballpark in the universe? I THINK NOT, DAN.

Tuesday — The Ravens, in Owings Mills, Md. Baltimore will try to get over the Steeler hump in 2011.

Why won’t anyone hire my friend? Don’t you know he and I worked at a major television network together and watched games from a luxury production room? You can’t find that kind of experience on the street!

Monday, Aug. 8 — The Lions, in Allen Park, Mich. Looking forward to talking to Jim Schwartz about his music tastes and his heavy-metal-loving tweets.

“Jim, you mentioned a band called… Anal Cunt? Did I pronounce that right?”

Wednesday, Aug. 10 — The Bears, in Bourbonnais, Ill. Memo to the drive-thru Starbucks about two miles from the Bears practice fields: We’ll be stopping by for a couple of ventis that morning. I’ll need a transfusion.

And don’t give me any of that skim crap. And I expect there to be open access to the manager’s restroom and scented towels upon my arrival. And I would also like there to be a flatscreen TV airing Judge Judy when I walk in. And don’t even THINK about opening your doors to civilians.

Thursday, Aug. 11 — The Vikings, in Mankato., where I will get to replace the nifty gray and purple Minnesota State T-shirt I bought a couple of years ago, the one I left in some hotel somewhere.

OH THANK GOD. Here I was hoping for valued information about my team. Thankfully, Peter will go to Vikings camp to replace A FUCKING SHIRT. A shirt so valued to him that he left it in a fucking hotel room he can’t even remember the name of. Was it the Conrad? MAYBE. Was it the Westin? NO ONE KNOWS. Does Christian Ponder have any chance of being a useful quarterback? SHUT UP YOU’RE INTERRUPTING THE SEARCH FOR THE PRECIOUS REPLACEMENT SHIRT.

Asshole.

I think you’re all going to jump up and say, “Oh, you work with Florio, so you’re pumping him up” after this item.

Now, I may be a bit biased here before I go on and praise a colleague.

I guess I am.

That’s because I am. I’m totally biased. Nothing I’m about to say is gonna even have a whiff of legitimacy. Like that Jerry Richardson interview I barfed up a few paragraphs ago? Like that.

But if you want one sign that profootballtalk.com and czar founder Mike Florio have become power brokers in football, consider this. Falcons GM Thomas Dimitroff has a big-screen TV monitor with touch-screen capability in his office, and he has loaded with a few things. There’s his roster (with detailed bio and scouting information on each player), the Weather Channel and The Rumor Mill on profootballtalk.com.

AND CNN! THE MAN KNOWS THE WORLD!

Dimitroff walks up to the screen a few times a day and clicks his fingernail on the PFT logo, and up it comes.

Wow. That’s quite a nugget. A football exec checks a prominent football news site? GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. AND BRING ME BACK A VENTI.

I think one of the “wow” things to me early in camp reports I saw was rookie Gabe Carimi lining up at left tackle with the Bears’ first offense from the start. He hasn’t been there exclusively, but the point is interesting — Lovie Smith and Mike Tice aren’t fooling around with their production on the line. Not that he isn’t the best man for the job; I don’t know if he is or isn’t. But it’s an obvious sign the Bears feel they don’t have anything close to an NFL-caliber blind-side protector on the roster. So why not put Carimi there from day one, put his feet to the fire, and let him know they have the confidence in him to get it done from the first day of camp?

If you’re gonna rip PK this afternoon, his #7 Things…is completely wrong. Carimi hasn’t once lined up at LT w/ 1st team

Well DJ, he hasn’t been there EXCLUSIVELY. Sometimes, you don’t line up there all the time. Sometimes it’s NONE of the time. But none is still part of the time, is it not? Now, I don’t know if he’s the man for the job or not. Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t. MAYBE THE LOCH NESS MONSTER IS JUST AN OPTICAL ILLUSION. But if I’m Mike Tice, why not play Gabe there none of the time and see how it works? What do you have to lose?

I kind of like the Eric Bedard deal for the Red Sox, because they didn’t have to give up anybody good, and Bedard’s been good in four of his last five starts.

WHAT ABOUT IRSAY’S LENNY BRUCE TWEET AT 1:02 AM? WHAT WAS IRSAY THINKING?!?!?

08.01.11 at 11:54 am

Cromartie Kid Number 18

How the hell does Florio have a job in football anyway? Did he represent King pro bono or something?

08.01.11 at 11:56 am

Rev Dr E Buzz

“Don’t you think it’s strange we haven’t communicated in five or six hours, and all of sudden we send each other texts at exactly the same time? Are you sure we don’t want to explore this one last time?”

I then called Mike Florio, to see if he could check on Peter! It was really hot out!

08.01.11 at 11:56 am

George

Ah, yes. Noted road that never passes through Central Virginia I-81.

08.01.11 at 12:00 pm

And another thing . . .

“Peyton Manning on Sunday found three different ways to say he’ll never play outside of Indiana”

Goodell finally caved and the Fat Humps will play all 16 games at home? And till choke in the playoffs.

08.01.11 at 12:01 pm

And another thing . . .

*still, dammit

08.01.11 at 12:05 pm

Uncle Charles Oakley

Bitch Tits and Jim Schwartz should get together, drink some Peronis and discuss the finer points of Norwegian Black Metal

08.01.11 at 12:05 pm

AM_Dusk

Did you know that Pol Pot would not have allowed anything like Starbucks to exist in Democratic Kampuchea? WEIRD.

08.01.11 at 12:09 pm

Maurice Levy, Esq.

Judge Judy’s cat’s breath smells like pistachio shells.

08.01.11 at 12:10 pm

dudebro

The Pittsburgh hump is coincidentally also what Big Ben calls his pants tent.

08.01.11 at 12:12 pm

TH/DeSean Is My Anti-Drug

Minnesota State? As in the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles from Coach?

Sinking to new lows, Peter King does it.

08.01.11 at 12:17 pm

Jude

Oh sweet Jesus, he’s somehow worse every week.

Also, note to the Peroni spokeshippo: People in the Air Force are not referred to as “soldiers” (see the caption to his photo). Christ, does this tub of guts even have an editor? Or is that a job that they give you only if you’re seriously considering suicide?

08.01.11 at 12:17 pm

Vince

Intrigue’s happening. The happening possessed by intrigue. How does this man make money as a writer.

08.01.11 at 12:20 pm

Ryan

So let me get this straight.

New fangled stats developed by other entities = NERDS ARE TRYING TO TAKE OVER SPORTS

New fangled stats developed by ESPN = GAME CHANGER

And you know they will force all of their analysts to shove TQBR down our throats the entire season when discussing quarterbacks.

08.01.11 at 12:22 pm

RX-78

who knew coffee brewed at 10 o clock at night at a convenience store not generally known for their coffee would suck? WEIRD

08.01.11 at 12:22 pm

beverly d'angelo's hot overbite

that’s good hustle on the monty python reference.

08.01.11 at 12:23 pm

Balls of Steel

I’m thinking of changing my fantasy football team name to Live at the Roxy: Anal Cunt!

08.01.11 at 12:23 pm

Reggie Bush's Pimp

he doesn’t know half of what he needs to know yet.

OK, is PK trying to pass his intentional grammatical mistakes into actual English? WTF? You’re supposed to be a writer!

08.01.11 at 12:24 pm

Slothrop

@UU I’m guessing more like pecan shells: Bitter, a bit rancid, and leaves a brown stain on the lips.

08.01.11 at 12:32 pm

dudebro

According to an article I just read about TQBR, the lowest tier of QBs consists of Favre, Anderson, and Jimmy Clausen.

Reached for comment, Anderson replied “THATS FINE!”

08.01.11 at 12:39 pm

Rowdy Roddy Peeper

The Milky Way is a galaxy, not a nebula. NERD.

08.01.11 at 12:52 pm

Moose (the thread ender)

godamnit; “I was told I’d get at least one free Negro to clean my barn!” was fucking funny.

I think what he meant by not exclusively lining up at LT is like Schrödinger’s cat or electron cloud theory; there is some probability that he lined up at LT, but that probability cannot be calculated with today’s information. Maybe some time in the future that probability can be calculated with more data. Maybe he CAN be in two places at once. Maybe he can be nowhere.

08.01.11 at 12:54 pm

Gamblor's Neon Claws

“How’d we all miss Nnamdi to the Eagles?

BECAUSE YOU WERE BUSY TALKING ABOUT YOGI BERRA, YOU SHITDIGGER.”

/slow claps

08.01.11 at 1:00 pm

Otto Man

I love the warning to steer clear of a CITGO “in some small town off I-85 in South Carolina.” Thanks, that really narrows it down. I-85 probably only runs for 150 miles through South Carolina.

I-85 in SC is all of a hundred miles, much of which goes directly through suburbs of a large metro area with over a million people. I’m pretty sure I recall there being no shortage of Starbucks close to the interstate. So either the man is so lazy he’ll only stop for coffee at places directly in his path, or he was so desperate for coffee that he chose something not even the rednecks will drink because he couldn’t wait half an hour to get to the next Starbucks, or have the sense to at least go to a Waffle House instead.

08.01.11 at 1:05 pm

MyMossHurts

Other Judytoids: her twat smells like pistachio shells

Not surprising since I have it on good authority you need to get a good grip betwwen two molars and give a kind of twist to get her legs open.

Vis-a-vis Cam Newton: So basically the Panthers wasted the # 1 pick on the poor man’s 2011 equivalent of Doug Williams? I do like that PK gave him props for being able to write his name. (Not exactly a given when you attend Auburn – jes sayin’)

08.01.11 at 1:15 pm

mick

So now we all have to accept this new QB stat because some shmucks at ESPN thought of it?
Hey how about go fuck yourselves, we aint buying it.

I’m pretty sure that Jerry Richardson is also Hal Holbrook. And PK is the Luther Van Damme of sports writers.

08.01.11 at 2:09 pm

Soloflex_DVD

All of a sudden, I like Cam Newton.

08.01.11 at 2:22 pm

porky1

Total QBR = Regular QBR, with a new hat.

08.01.11 at 2:25 pm

Brett Favre AIDS

I’ve never like Peter King as a writer, but I’ve never let that affect my thoughts of him as a human being. That being said, after getting his fat, worthless cunt pampered in the USO mobile – without even mentioning, let alone thanking, those who have served – I wish I could choke him with piano wire.

He’s a stupid, worthless piece of fat flesh that needs to burn in a chemical fire.

08.01.11 at 2:30 pm

Upstate Underdog

Total Quarterback Rating? So basically they’re trying to apply baseball sabermetrics to football.

08.01.11 at 2:32 pm

StuScottBooyahs

The nice waitress even put a lemon on the rim of the glass for me.

That’s top-notch service typically reserved for water!

08.01.11 at 2:33 pm

Greg Easterbrook

Piper! I WILL BE THE FINAL ARBITER OF ALL ASTRONOMICAL FACTS AND DOUCHEBAGGERY!!!

Now let me get back to talking about Beaver College and the Stock Market.

08.01.11 at 2:38 pm

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Other Judytoids: And that her twat smells like pistachio shells?

That is interesting. I would have bet anything that it smelled like Gefilte Fish.

08.01.11 at 3:01 pm

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

Are we liveblogging the special numbers edition of ESPN?

/Lord knows I have nothing better to do on a Friday night

08.01.11 at 3:03 pm

Badly Burnt Albanian Boy

“Not that he isn’t the best man for the job; I don’t know if he is or isn’t.”

In other words: He is not necessarily not the best man for the job; I do not know if he is or is not the best man for the job.

WHERE CAN YOU FIND INSIGHT LIKE THAT ANYWHERE ELSE?

Also, my copy of Strunk & White just spontaneously combusted.

08.01.11 at 3:33 pm

mjude

Jerry Richardson actually has a heart? GTFO!!!!

08.01.11 at 3:38 pm

PK loves MF

“This I knew: Jerry Richardson had his heart transplant on Super Bowl Sunday between the Steelers and Cardinals”

He had his operation on the field between the two teams?

WTF?

08.01.11 at 3:39 pm

L.A.M.F.

Optical illusions that comes from reading too much Fun with PK: I genuinely thought one of the lines about Carimi read “I don’t know if he or she is or isn’t”, which I accepted as what he wrote and didn’t question until I finished.

Yeah, it’s the American public that’s the problem with new ideas. If only we were all as forward thinking as journos. I once tried to explain fWAR to Lupica and he threw his juice box at me.

08.01.11 at 3:54 pm

jackin'4beats

He’s a confident kid, even though he doesn’t know half of what he needs to know yet.

So Peter, tell us everything that Newton needs to know. I’m sure you’ve got the playbook memorized by now with mental cues based on combinations of various coffee orders. Clue us in fatty.

way to complain about being unable to write from the seat of a fucking luxury big rig that you are being personally chauffeured around in

Well you could always PAY YOUR OWN FUCKING TICKET and be flown around the country in complete comfort…until the turbulence hits then HEADS WILL SURELY ROLL!

And just HOW shitty will John Beck be?

Maj has promised he will pop a cyanide capsule if Beck becomes the starting QB in Washington. True story.

08.01.11 at 4:14 pm

Brutus Ballsack

I’m late to the party, but have 2 comments.
1. Fuck ESPN and their over-reaching, money grubbing, marketing machine oriented, we are the leader in sports horeshit. This new stat may be able to tell with amazing accuracy who is and who isn’t as far as QB’s go, but fuck them with a disease ridden steel wire brush. I will irrationaly and complete ignore it, because I hate those fucks.
2. Why is a waste of humanity like Jerry Richardson getting a new heart at the age of 72? That means some middle class, or poor, 35 year old father of 3 couldn’t get a new heart because 72 year old millionaire Jerry Richardson got it instead. Because he’s rich. I hated the dude before, now I hope he gets hit by lighting in his owners box at the next nationaly televised Panther game while the camera is on him.
Oh, wait, the Panthers suck so much under his guidance, they’ll never be on national TV. OK,then, I hope someone shoots him in the heart.

08.01.11 at 4:33 pm

Adam

@Brutus: I was about to write you a snarky reply mentioning that every NFL team has to be on national TV once a year, but I figured I’d check juuust in case and sure enough, 4 pm opening week at Arizona followed by 15 1 pm games. Not even an early week Sunday nighter. But hey, if you move here to SC, you can see them every week!

/sad panthers fan

08.01.11 at 4:48 pm

Teabagging Tebow

Please stay away from our beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains, where the roads are like “roller coasters” because they go up and down…mountains. And your fat ass in a USO vehicle is wholly inexplicable–is this the freedom our soldiers are dying for?

Thanks to all those who wrote the USO last week complaining about PK and the RV. I have no doubt he mentioned “SI paying all expenses” because of you.

Also, fuck the ESPN circle jerk over their new metric and their setting aside airtime to talk about it. And fuck anyone who sits in a “captains chair” and still complains about the inconvenience of hills…

08.01.11 at 5:37 pm

Brutus Ballsack

@Adam, Do you have a gun? Will you shoot the fucker?

08.01.11 at 6:13 pm

Slash

I will heed only the TDR, the Total Douchebag Rating.

Also, I am shocked – shocked – to hear that once again Peter King has experienced sub-par coffee. And at a gas station in South Carolina. Unprecedented. I mean, I usually get super fucking awesome coffee at gas stations in small southern towns.

08.01.11 at 6:17 pm

Slash

RE Brutus Ballsack
“Why is a waste of humanity like Jerry Richardson getting a new heart at the age of 72? That means some middle class, or poor, 35 year old father of 3 couldn’t get a new heart because 72 year old millionaire Jerry Richardson got it instead. Because he’s rich.”

He’s going to have to take anti-rejection drugs for the rest of his life, which will probably cause him to die of cancer way before he gets shot or hit by lightning. So there’s that to look forward to.

08.01.11 at 6:22 pm

Peter Watcher

According to PK’s twitter, he found a McDonald’s about an hour down the road from the dreaded Citgo. His lack of caffeination was finally addressed. He insisted on a fresh pot, of course.

Naturally, when it came to the column, he went with whining about bad coffee rather than lauding good coffee. His is such a rough life.

08.01.11 at 7:47 pm

UncleHulka

Thumbs up on the Stripes reference.

08.01.11 at 8:58 pm

DanSnyder'sLandscapeArchitect

Fuck PK for being the only douche in the universe obnoxious to bitch about going to a ballgame in a perfectly nice major league stadium. If I ever saw him in Nationals Park, I’d beg Stephen Strasburg to use his giant fat fucking face for target practice until he was softened up enough for the Racing Presidents to take turns seeing who could penetrate deepest.

The dude went ththrough Georgia, upstate South Carolina, and the Blue Ridge Mountains, but the most noteworthy beer was Paulaner??? Asheville has NINE breweries and Spartanburg has a few too. And I guess Sweetwater just doesn’t make a beer with enough citrus…

08.01.11 at 11:49 pm

subo

I enjoyed both the Dilfer line and the Wiggum reference by that accursed Chiefs fan.

08.01.11 at 11:56 pm

Paul

This I knew: Jerry Richardson had his heart transplant on Super Bowl Sunday between the Steelers and Cardinals.

OK, what dead asshole gave Jerry Richardson their donated heart? Dick

08.02.11 at 12:30 am

steeler fan in peru

Is it just a coincidence that I saw Stripes last night?

08.02.11 at 3:04 am

Ditka's Rosy Cheeks

As someone who’s reading this at midnight on the West Coast after spending all day on the road in the AUGUST sun, I find myself more infuriated with PK than ever. Who in the fuck can be surprised, let alone complain, that there wasn’t fresh fucking coffee at a gas station in no-where South Carolina at 10pm when the high temperature was likely around 91? How is this tub of fuck paid millions to travel around and bitch in fragmented thoughts? Please, one reasonable answer and I’ll step back from the ledge.

08.05.11 at 4:38 pm

Surly Duff

“Looking forward to talking to Jim Schwartz about his music tastes and his heavy-metal-loving tweets.”

Because asking insightful (hell, even uninsightful) questions about football is pointless. I know football fans are more interested in what Jim Scwartz says about Anthrax in 140 characters or less.

08.05.11 at 4:39 pm

Surly Duff

And fuck, “quarterbackmeisters”?! Why does Sports Illustrated hate the english language.

08.09.11 at 1:55 pm

Something Witty Later

IF JESUS WERE CLEAN SHAVEN AND HAD SOUND FISCAL INSTINCTS.

Well he was Jewish so I’m guessing half of that’s a given.

08.10.11 at 10:09 pm

Jack Daniels Scented Neckbeard

Paulaner, a German (NAZI) beer, served with a lemon wedge would get you laughed at severely if you were drinking it with German (aka NAZIs) people. Fat retards that are quasi beernerdsnessish always mention that some beers clearly need to be served with fruit. That is untrue 99% of the time, and 100% of the time nazi beers should lack fruit.