Too Hard On My Baby's Daddy?

Shelly - posted on 03/04/2014
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I think I was too hard on my baby's daddy. I took advantage of the system and made stuff up or even pushed him to get upset on purpose so I could file an order of protection, gain control in custody and divorce. He hasn't seen his kids since 2011 but it was me who made stuff up against him so he can't. Only flaw he had was that didn't have a job but he cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids and gave me a massage every night till I fell asleep. I don't even answer his emails that are requesting to see his kids even though the order of protection says he could just for weekends. He hasn't even gotten mad or anything and I'm afraid to face him, afraid to even answer his emails but I know he loves them. What should I do?

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Ev - posted on 03/05/2014

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" I am 37, he is 35..I had to leave my country because it was too bad there. All the men drink, do drugs, and there is no work. I grew up in Soviet rule, you Americans know nothing about what it is like just to get bread. Having a child in this country guarantees my stay and entitles me to healthcare. I learned English, I have a job so why can't he?" I quoted this because there is something I want to address here. You said you came to this country to get into something better. Well, a lot of people do this. You had a hard life and got bread mostly because that is how it is. Also the men there are drunks, do drugs etc. What makes you think that it is any better here. We have people who do the drugs, drink, and abuse those around them just like in the Soviet countries. We also have people who go to bed HUNGRY all the time. You can not sit there and tell us that we do not know what it is like. Some of us do! My own mother grew up so poor at times that she was lucky to get soda crackers with hot water on them for some sort of porridge kind of thing when she was little and she remembers it! You life over there might have been bad but do not say that no one here knows what hard is. We do. Its an excuse to say that when there are kids now who go to bed hungry because they have no food in the house. I know that this is off topic, but I had to say something. I was lucky and my parents made sure we had food to eat and a place to live and clothes and shoes but that did not make us rich by any means.

As for what this post is about, you can not determine if he should have access or not. You are alienating him from his kids. So what that he is a beach bum. There are much worse out there. And I have to agree that marrying someone and having babies with them just to get on the welfare roles here is wrong...so totally wrong. There are people out there right now that can not get help because you took the help they should have gotten. And if a guy like this was able to "cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids and gave me a massage every night till I fell asleep." and showed you kindesses like this then why are you being such a pill.

It doesn't matter Shelly, that is what everyone is telling you. He may be a beach bum, but there are worse things....like leeches and liars, people who manipulate situations to get their way, and cowards that cannot face the music. I think beach bum is a GREAT alternative to the rest.

Listen, sweetie, YOU DENIED HIM ACCESS. You took "possession" of human beings, which is illegal. You denied their father access to them, LIED ABOUT HIM to further your case.

Sorry, sweetie, but I'm on Dad's side in this one. You came to the US to have babies so that you'd be on OUR welfare rolls, you LIED to and about the man who fathered your children. You DENIED him access.

You can't claim to be the victim here. If I knew how to get ahold of this poor man, I'd advise him to take your ass to court and fight for not only full physical, but also full legal custody, with very limited supervised visitation for you.

My opinion doesn't mean nothing but I would say first I am a man and second nobody have to tell u what u did was wrong you knew from the start it was wrong. I hear everything ur saying about him not holding down a job but at the same time I hear every GD think else about him as a man. And if he can show u that kind of compassion u don't think he deserve the chance to do the same for his children? And yes I do understand and everybody on this site know how important money is. And yes the reality is u can't pay the bills off of love. My suggestion to u would to face him and apologize to him give him a chance at being a father to his kids! No matter how u cut he will be in ur life the next 18 or so years. And not saying with u in a relationship but as a parent. I'm sure he would find someway to forgive u it might not be as soon as u want it but give it sometime but again first make things right with the kids. I hope this might help

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Jessica - posted on 03/08/2014

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Sometimes doing the right thing can be the hardiest! This situation is not about you or your ex, it's about the children they deserve to see the both of you as much as possible. If you don't your kids will figure it out and eventually hate you for it!

You have to put aside your feelings for him and think about your children. They deserve to know their Father, even if you don't think he's fit.Like Little Miss said, you need to to get in contact with him and apologize for what you put him through. He sounds like a very caring person to not have dragged you through court already.And yes, I'm a moderator here as well.

No ganging up was done. If you didn't want to feel that we are 'picking on' you, perhaps you shouldn't have lied in the first place. I'll leave the whole 'anchor baby' thing out of this, because I'm still steamed about that.

The adult thing to do is not only face up to the children's father (and yes, you can do it via email, since you don't actually want to 'admit' you were wrong), and admit to the courts that you've lied to them, and been in contempt of court orders. Because, honestly? you SHOULD do some sort of time for your lies in a legal context. You're in the US now, and you need to abide by all of the laws, not just the ones that suit you.

Yep Moderator here! No we arent "ganging up on you" . Any normal person will find it ugly what you did.You lied to the law and took your kids fathers right away from seeing them. Ok,so you ask for advice and this is what you should really do:Go and confess to the law that you lied and made things up..then let him have the chance to see his kids.Its not only important for him,but also for your kids.

Well, first start with an e mail and apologize for doing what you did. That may be the easiest way for you to start instead of face to face or verbal. Then take care of the order of protection through the courts so he can legally see them (unless you already have). Keep up communication through e mail, and maybe skype with him so the kids can see him. The next step would be to meet him in a public place with the kids like a park so they can see there dad and start building a relationship with him.

The order of protection sounds like he can see them on the weekends, so please let him start. He must be heartbroken that he does not know his kids.

Well thank you for your honest answer. That is something I want to arrange so my kids can see their father. I will, however, will not announce to the courts that I lied. I am not stupid. I won't go to jail because I took them away from that surf bum.

I cam here to ask people what to do but everyone is attacking me even though I acknowledge that I did wrong to him people are ganging up on me. I want to know how to approach him so he can see his kids. Like I said I may have been too harsh on him. Is there a moderator here?

This has given me the biggest laugh tonight.You admit that you lied to make sure the father of your children ddn't get access and then say he's a beach bum that doesn't deserve to be around his children.If this is a troll or true I hope your kids wake up to you soon and leave to go and live with their Dad, you don't deserve them at all.They also aren't possessions to be fought over, they are children with feeling that love both parents and weren't given a choice to have such a crap Mother.

Wouldnt suprise me if it is real..unfortunatly i have an uncle that fell for a foreigner..and turned out all this woman wanted was his money,the goverments money and a swiss passport.They also married because she got pregnant..and pregnant again after saying she was on birthcontrol.Btw everybody in this country gets an amount of money for each kid. This woman is a total bitch and i dont consider her as family.She used up all of my uncles money because she sent alot of it to her country for her family and used it to get her brothers into the country,and some poor woman fell for him aswell and has a kid now.I know its none of my business but what i would like to point out is,i think Shelly is one of those foreigners that want a man for money and citizinship.

Evelyn, I get a big feeling that her main goal was to come to the US, get pregnant, and "get" to stay here because of our wishy washy government. Everyone in the world knows that all you need to do to live in the US is have a baby in a US hospital...Then, as this OP stated, she's 'entitled' to our benefit system.

I certainly hope the children's father DOES do something about this woman.

You want an answer? Neither my ex nor I were happy. It wasn't working. That's why we divorced. We didn't want a child being raised in an environment like that. Whether you divorced or not is not the point here. It happens. People get divorced.

The point is that you are denying him any access to his children. Does my ex see his son? Yes, occasionally. But that is HIS choice, not mine. I've never denied him access, ever. Yes my son lives primarily with me, but that is because his father chose to behave in a way that originally got him banned from the daycare my son was at (nothing to do with me - they had to call the police), and then because he moved away (too far to see his son regularly). My son is now 16, and talks to his dad ALL the time. They have a relationship, and I am more than happy about that.

But this isn't about me, this is about you. Choosing to ignore a father's requests to see his kids is just a bitch of an act.

J O D I...Why did you divorce your husband? You found someone better right? I bet you got custody right? I bet your kids only see their father on weekends or mostly on weekends while you get to see your kids everyday and night. ANSWER ME

Ok, not only are you a liar, a scammer, and a fraud, but you just admitted that you came to the US to have anchor babies. Why didn't you take the correct immigration track? You're more than welcome here, but not they way you did it.

I wish, sometimes, that the US were more stringent. Such as Africa, where a non citizen doesn't qualify for assistance programs...I'd love to see that here.

That aside, you've just provided me with more proof that you are not the person to be raising these children. Hopefully someone (ANYONE) else would raise them with more standards and morals than you have displayed so far.

Gena, they are young, they will forget about it somehow. His parents are so disappointed that he never made anything of himself, just a surfer. They turned on him too. His father doesn't want to see him or talk to him. He is probably out there surfing the waves now because he is a beach bum. I am 37, he is 35..I had to leave my country because it was too bad there. All the men drink, do drugs, and there is no work. I grew up in Soviet rule, you Americans know nothing about what it is like just to get bread. Having a child in this country guarantees my stay and entitles me to healthcare. I learned English, I have a job so why can't he?

Ok, so he wasn't good enough, in your opinion, to be 'allowed' access to his children...and yet, he was good enough for a quick screw or two for your own selfish purposes.

You are a liar. You are a schemer. You simply exist to work the system. I'm amazed, actually, that you woke up and realized that you screwed up! My opinion? BE HONEST WITH THE AUTHORITIES. Surrender the man's kids to him. You have lied to authorities, you have scammed the system, you have purposely attempted to alienate the children from their biological father. You need to pay for that, and the kids need to be raised by their father.

And this "I did it because HE did it first"..Exactly how old do you want us to believe you are? Because that, my dear, is a 4 year old's response... "he did it FIRST"...spoken in the whiniest voice you can imagine...

It does not matter if he lied or did whatever he did first. The point is you chose this man to marry and have kids with. You did not have to do so. You said you did not love him, then why did you marry him and have his kids? That is just plain not well thought out. What is the point of marrying someone and having kids when you have no love for them? Can I ask if he was the reason you left your home country? Was he your way out? I am not attacking you just wondering if that was your motivation? Was he in military when you met him? Just curious.

Shelly,you are selfish.Cant you even think about your children?Children dont only need money from their father,they need to have a relationship.And YOU obviosly quit that opertunity for your children. And sry to say but you should feel ashamed of yourself,sleeping and getting pregnant by someone because all you want is Money!And then still go and lie and make things up. No honestly,you should grow up and have some respect towards yourself,your kids and especialy your kids father! Life is not only about money!

So what if he doesn't have a job? He is still the man you chose to have a child with and he is still the father. Him not having a job still gives you no right to stop your child having a relationship with its father. Guess what? My son's father is 45 and can only get work 3 days a week and has barely held down a job for the last 6 years. We divorced 12 years ago. He still has a relationship with his son. What you think of him has absolutely no relevance..your relationship with him has no relevance.

Jodi, he is 35 and has no job. I came to this country in 2005 from Belarus. I left Belarus for a better life not to settle for some jobless 35 year old. That is why I didn't take his last name because I knew deep down this guy is a loser. What 35 year old guy depends on his mommy? He told me he is a captain when I dated him, I only married him because I was pregnant and because he told me he makes a lot of money which he doesn't so he lied first. His parents want him to work too but all he wants to do is SURF. His parents are so disappointed in him that after I used the "no work thing" to saying he abused me. Sure my husband was nice but I was not in love.

You have no right to do this to your children. None. Why are you punishing your children by not allowing them a relationship with their father. What a heartless, horrible thing you have done. And I will tell you now, later on, your children will hate you for that. I also hope he takes you to court for contempt and you lose custody, because you have no right to do this and you are deliberately refusing to encourage the relationship.It seems like he is the better person here.