The someone I am, in spite of infertility, recurrent miscarriage and failed adoption - and now, the adoption of our son

Friday, January 13, 2012

Low

Today is just one of those days. I'm still wearing my pj's, eating m&.ms by the handful out of a one pound bag, nursing a cold and blubbering/crying on the phone to our local social worker. We are using an adoption agency in Texas, while the agency who performed our home study is local. DH had emailed her a few weeks ago to tell her of the failed adoption. She called to check on us, and it was a few days before I felt like calling her back. Of course, it would be on a day like this that she'd return my call.

I'm uncomfortable showing my emotions, especially on the phone, especially with someone in a 'service capacity', translation: not as a friend. Maybe that's just it - maybe she is a friend. But I have to say, I am having SUCH trouble trusting anyone these days. My faith in humankind is decimated. And no remnants remain.

I've never found it easy to trust anyone. My father was a very angry person when I was a girl, and his unpredictable outbursts of anger chased my tomboy-like desire to connect with men - especially my father - and eventually to connect with any human, out the window. I'm great with pets. When I go to someone's house, I connect with their dog better than I do with them at first. And if they don't have a wandering or pet-able pet (fish don't really count), it takes me longer to open up or feel comfortable.

Work has been a bummer lately. I'm a pharmacist at a large grocery store chain, and I had earned FMLA leave for the adoption, starting in late December and going through early February. When the adoption failed, I called my boss and he graciously said just call me in a few weeks and we'll work out when you want to come back. Perfect. It was almost Christmas, and my mind couldn't have been further from work.

At the store where I work, there are 3 other pharmacists. One is full time, and the other 3 of us used to all be part-time, so we would split the rest of the hours. Jenny* had a really rough year: her also pharmacist husband became her ex-husband after he had an affair with his technician. Jenny then became full time. Now, I thought well, she'll just go to a store where there are full time hours, and that will leave us with the rest. Donna*, the 3rd part-time pharmacist, was on maternity leave at this time, however. So that added hours to the pot. Jenny told our boss she wanted to stay at that store, so she then became full time there. Meanwhile, I worked most of Donna's shifts while she stayed home with the baby.

Donna told me before leaving to have her baby that she wanted to work 12 hours a week when she came back. Great, I said, then I'll take the last 8 hours left since Jenny has gone full time. However, Donna came back from leave during the few days between when I called my boss to tell him the news and when I called him to say I was coming back. Donna took all the hours.

I called the pharmacy manager at that store and said, I'm not sure if Donna meant to work all these hours but she said she'd work 12 hours a week when she came back. The way pharmacy works, and I'm sure all other fields, is the person with more seniority gets to decide. The manager said, as far as I know she wants to work all those hours. Now, I've been a pharmacist longer that Donna (14 years this year), but Donna has been with this company longer. So it was her choice, and she took it.

What this means is that I can become a 'floater' pharmacist where I travel to all of our stores (6 in this area, including some up to an hour away) and work to cover their vacation. I did this for several years when I worked with another company and when I first started with this one 5 years ago. But floating is hard. I hate it. And everyone knows that. Add to that the fact that we got our schedule unexpectedly via email yesterday, and I was not scheduled to work any hours that week (2 weeks from now).

So, needless to say, I hate Donna right now. She knows there is not one thing I can do about her decision, so that just encouraged her to do it. DH and I had discussed this all at length, and decided to try and see how my working these hours would go. I'm angry at her for not thinking of anyone but herself. I'd love to be a SAHM, but that isn't the way my life is turning out/we need the money right now.

DH is a medical professional. Anyone married to one of them knows, you have loans, loans, loans to pay back. Loans from professional school, loans from residency, loans from starting a practice. That's what is holding us back right now. DH has applied for an SBA loan, a government loan for small businesses that would, if we were approved, allow us to pay less per month and extend those payments over a longer period. (if you work in this field, I know I just didn't explain that right) Suffice it to say, it will help us each month. But the amount of paperwork he had to fill out was absolutely incredible, and it took him over a year to do it. We just turned it in right before our (supposed) adoption. And we have not heard from the loan people yet.

Phew. So that's why my life sucks right now. So much is in the balance, so much is out of my control, so much is not going the way I'd like. Hey, it's got to get better...

2 comments:

Geez Louise! This sucks! Seriously, my husband is in the medical profession and I think our supposed birthmother saw $$$$ which is just crap b/c we're young and still trying to get out of debt and she stole from us! I completely understand not trusting humanity, I think it's part of why making real friends in our new town has been so hard for me, what when I thought I could this happened to us and I couldn't trust my own shadow. It's still hard!!! Eat all those damn M&Ms and enjoy every bite!!!! I hope work gets easier and you get hours. I can only guess who you work for but as an SLP I used to "float" between nursing homes and it sucked, so you get sympathy from me there too!

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When you are joyful, be joyful; when you are sad, be sad. If God has given you a sweet cup, don’t make it bitter; and if He has given you a bitter cup, don’t try and make it sweet; take things as they come. Shade of His Hand, 1226 L, Oswald Chambers