EVASIVE AQUARIUS...

The Jittery Journeys of July 2004

Great Heavens and dancing elephants, it’s time to speak with the airheaded addlepates! That’s you, little water-bearing types, in case you’d forgotten. And speak to you I will, but only of the vile and bitter prognostications that will set your course for joyless July. On every other matter both personal and intimate, I will remain silent, unless it becomes necessary to criticize your absurd behaviour and ridiculous clothing for the purposes of such predictions as I make.

Now, with that out of the way, let us begin! The Full Moon comes in miserable Capricorn and your solar twelfth house, ensuring the pain from your knees is so bad that you can’t fall to them and pray for relief. However, nothing will deter you from your purpose of staging a show of electromagnetic healing that will cure your terrible case of knees before the eyes of your adoring Scots public, your beloved lads and lassies.

Marauding Mars clashes with idiot Uranus and an army of ill-tempered associates helps you spend the necessary funds to prepare for the coming extravaganza. Mischievous Mercury enters loathsome Leo and you consult with experts in order to create the right atmosphere for your night of nights. The great Sol Invicti conjoins with lugubrious Saturn and you arrange to have a medical team present to affirm your miracle cure.

As a raft of ghastly planets cavort in nasty aspect, many of these folk hang around your home and indulge in rude and riotous behaviour, reminding you very much of your friends back at home. However, as your nerves are somewhat frayed, you decide to calm the situation down by dressing up in strange garments and making false prophecies about their futures and worrying them into an uneasy kind of silence.

The New Moon comes in neurotic Cancer and you set up the machinery for your marvellous display, despite the fact that you still don’t really know what you’re doing (previous displays being fraudulent). Vamping Venus clashes with jolly Jupiter and the cost of all this is beginning to get out of hand, so you have to mesmerize your bank manager into extending your overdraft. The great Sol Invicti moves into Leo and you hire an overdressed entertainer with appalling hair to compere the show so you are free to be the star turn on the night. Vamping Venus clashes with underworld Pluto and persons flock to the hall from all corners of the city, some unfortunate ones being trampled to death in the crowd. You take the bodies and store them so that, if you do manage to cure your knees, you can have a crack at raising the dead as well.

Mischievous Mercury enters Virgo and you begin the show by speaking in a savage and outré tongue of the occult. Of course, you’ve simply invented this peculiar language yourself in order to impress the public with your apparent esoteric knowledge. Lugubrious Saturn and jolly Jupiter grind the gears of the cosmic wheels as they clash with underworld Pluto.

A Full Moon looms in your idiot sign. Magnets hum with a strange life of their own. Electricity crackles in the wires! Scottish persons old and young watch with bated breath. This is it, addlepate ninnies! Will you succeed in pulling off a miracle? Or will you sink into the doldrums of yet another sea of miserable failure? Click here next month to find out. Ta! Ta!