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MIKE Jones hits town today. You don’t know who’s Mike Jones? Oh, please. The guy only brought down a whole empire. He’s the gay hustler/male escort/prostitute/callboy/find-a-word who outed the privately homosexual but publicly homophobic TV-happy pastor in Colorado Springs – the Rev. Ted Haggard. Age 50, married, five kids, president of the 30 million-strong National Association of Evangelicals, closeted Haggard reigned over the New Life Church, America’s largest bunch of evangelicals. He ain’t anymore. He had to step down. To say Haggard’s haggard over this would not be a venal sin. And it’s nice Mike Jones who, after servicing the rev three sexy years, outed him.

For why, you’ll have to read his book “I Had To Say Something: The Art of Ted Haggard’s Fall.” It’s out June 15 and the reason he’s here. He’s got a Barnes & Noble book signing 7 p.m. on the 13th. In Chelsea. Like, where else, right? Besides Geraldo and something on CNN, a whole load of interview offers there isn’t. Says Mike:

“Colorado Springs, where that church is, has three bookstores, and none would let me have a book signing. They say it’s too controversial.”

How controversial?

“We-elll, it’s sexually very explicit.” Right. It goes into dirty talk, clean-up washcloths, sex playthings not bought at Toys “R” Us, porno videos, kink, meth, orgies, shame-filled orgasms in the near dark, a small black canvas bag carried to the rev monthly which contained an assortment of such fun things. It also goes into Jones’ sexual versatility. Would you believe the word “skills”?

“The book is not for little kids,” he says. (Yeah. Or big columnists.)

“It’s a 50,000 printing, and I’m doing a tour of 12 major cities. I’ll be busy, and I’m excited. But also nervous. I mean, I’ve had threats. I could encounter protesters. Look, I just figure something’s going to happen, but I’m not hiring security. First of all, I’m a bodybuilder, so I can take care of myself, but, also, I’m flat broke. I stopped turning tricks years ago, and this has really done me in. I lost all my modeling and legitimate massage business. So I’ve even had to move out of my place in Denver. I’m staying with a friend in New York to save money. I’ve had to cut back on everything just to survive. I’m actually just getting by.”

Seems his mommy never told him nice little boys don’t kiss and tell.

MOLLY Sims just back from Peru’s Inkaterra Machu Picchu Hotel. Loved it. Also maybe because her luggage included boyfriend Justin Chatwin, an actor . . . Claus von Bulow, of that famous attempted murder trial (wife Sunny still lies comatose a quarter of a century later), battling prostate cancer . . . At a “Last Comic Standing” taping, Tom Arnold, who became obscene and rude, almost appeared to be the last comic zonked. There was talk of scrapping the footage . . . Political season and the air is filled with vicious smears, slander and innuendos. Enough already. Who cares who wins between Jay Leno and David Letterman? . . . Daniel Boulud‘s restaurant empire extends to Beijing. He opens there next year.

ROBIN Quivers will soon have less of her to quiver on Howard Stern‘s show. Diet doc Roni Luiz, author of the new book “21 Pounds in 21 Days: The Martha’s Vineyard Diet Detox,” is single and he’s moved in with Robin for her 21-day detox – or whatever . . . Paula Abdul in stilettos entering the Parker Meridien bearing a shopping bag and a good-looking guy . . . Shia LaBeouf in this summer’s “Transformers”: “Most action stars wouldn’t have been as dumb as I, doing the stunts I did in this movie. Hanging off a roof of a 15-story building from a single wire with nothing below but the asphalt alley? Insane.” . . . Danny DeVito‘s Miami restaurant opens this week. The classy invitee list includes meatballs like Soprano John “Cha Cha” Ciarcia who plays Albie Cianflone . . . Gen. Manuel Antonio Noriega finally leaves his Florida federal prison Sept. 9. Next stop, Panama.

SO this 60ish guy, pacing outside a res taurant, is hollering into his cell phone: “No. Of course I’m not here with a girlfriend. How could I have a girlfriend? My wife only threw me out 30 days ago!”