Important events as reported by daily newspapers and summarized by Daedalus Howell.

Wednesday 9.27.2000

Faux-federales might not need no stinkin' badges but teachers will. Identification badges are appearing on Petaluma School District campuses, as a new regulation requiring all nonteaching staff to wear a photo and name tag takes hold. The district suggests that teachers wear them, too. District Superintendent Carl Wong said district officials believe they will make school campuses safer for both students and employees--perhaps in the same way badges make the inmates feel safer in the county jail. "All of our campuses are open campuses," says Wong. "Nonstudents have full access to the campuses." Not that nonstudents or the students themselves particularly want to go there. However, several incidents led to the badges--one involving two Petaluma police officers who recently scampered across a Petaluma high school campus in plain clothes, unquestioned by any school authorities. What they were doing there is anyone's guess, but since the '80s, the campus has maintained a reputation for its good weed and loose girls.

Sunday 10.1.2000

Rep. Lynn Woolsey, who is seeking her fifth term this November, missed a scheduled debate with political opponents scheduled for 9 a.m. Sunday. Cynthia Brantly, Woolsey's campaign manager, took the heat, claiming she thought the debate was scheduled for 9 p.m. "It's my fault," said Brantly who apparently operates on Malta time. A taping of the debate--which is to be aired on Petaluma's public access channel--was rescheduled for Tuesday at 9 a.m. Woolsey's opponents agreed to the change but only after expressing their exasperation to the debate sponsors, the League of Women Voters. "What she is saying is she doesn't care enough about this district to show up," said Woolsey's second-time Republican opponent, Ken McAuliffe, whom the district hasn't cared enough about in the past to elect to office. . . .

In an unrelated item, increasing numbers of Marin teenagers are suffering from stress, eating disorders, self-mutilation, and suicide attempts, according to school district officials. "My parents have really high expectations of me. By the end of the week, I'm dead," said a San Marin High School student.

Monday 10.2.2000

Stop the presses! Petaluma's Argus-Courier actually found some news this week--a sheep, whose DNA must have been crossed with the late-actor Steve McQueen's, attempted a great escape earlier in the month from a livestock yard on Corona Road. The sheep, which bleats to the name Hot Cheeks, pranced gingerly across Corona Road and most of the way down Industrial Avenue, nearly becoming mutton as several motorists careened out of its way. The intersection was blocked, and there was tell of a rear-ended semi-truck. Hot Cheeks sought cover in some nearby bushes but, alas, was discovered near KnowledgePoint, a software company, according to the Argus-Courier. The venerated paper, known for its riveting coverage of tide data, neglected to report whether or not the tech firm offered the sheep a full-benefits package with stock options.

Tuesday 10.3.2000

HMO woes have stricken Novato newborn Alexander Page Leroux from day 1. He was born unaided by doctors at 3:33 a.m. on Sept. 17 on a hallway floor at Kaiser Permanente in San Francisco. His parents, Linnea and Rick, with their 17-month-old son, Eric, were en route to the labor and delivery ward on the third floor when Linnea began birthing the tyke. A nurse eventually showed up, bearing merely a swath of cloth, which she used to help deliver the healthy 8-pound, 4-ounce boy. Within minutes of Alexander's first breaths, an ER door guard showed up and ordered Dad to move his car.

No Joke: Animal Shelter Ball-buster

A City of Petaluma Animal Service (PAS) newsletter that featured a humor piece dubbed "Real Men Don't Neuter" has raised the ire of Petaluma man's man and gender crusader Joe Manthey. In a letter to the editor published in the Press-Democrat, Manthey accused PAS manager Nancee Tavares of "spreading derogatory stereotypes" in an article that suggests some men refuse to neuter their pets because they "need to project a macho image," a notion that Manthey characterized as "sexist."

Tavares goes on to write, "Studies prove that men have a better self-image when their dogs sport Neuticles--faux testicles." No word as to whether Manthey's self-image is intact, or his dog's testicles, or if he even has a dog.