Tuesday, February 24, 2009

On Kate Winslet

May I use the pages of your fine journal to congratulate Reading's very own Kate Winslet over her well-deserved success in this year's Academy Awards?

Of course, we – as a city - should strike while the iron is hot and afford Miss Winslet the honour her triumph deserves. She is, after all, the first famous person Reading has had that we haven't thrown into prison, a fact that even the most cold-hearted citizen would admit is well worth celebrating.

I intend no disrespect to the residents of Winslet Place at the far end of the Oxford Road, but a mere block of flats opposite a retail park really doesn't cut the mustard as far as I am concerned when it comes to honouring our talented celebrities. If I had my way, I'd throw these people onto the streets and raze this insult to the Sainted Kate to the ground, hoping that she may spare us her wrath.

Reading needs to think big, and we need some sort of worthless gesture that both celebrates Kate The Woman and shows the rest of the world that the capital of the Thames Valley will not be cowed by the global credit crisis.

I would suggest, therefore, a 300-foot floodlit statue of a Titanic-era Kate standing naked yet tastefully posed, athwart Brunel's Great Western Railway line as it crosses the Caversham Road, as a permanent symbol of all that is great about this fine city.

Although I envisage the gold-plating will push the costs well into seven figures, I am confident that the bill will be met from a mix of public subscription (at gunpoint if need be), and local patron of the arts Sir John Madejski (also at gunpoint if need be). Additionally, people would pay to visit the viewing gallery in Kate's voluminous chest, from which they would – on a clear day – be able to see as far as the historic birthplace of Ricky Gervais.

What visitor would not be inspired by the sight of Reading's most famous daughter as they pass between her fine, perfectly formed Made-in-Berkshire legs on their way to work? I know I would.

I am not mad.

Your pal,

Albert O'Balsam

Emmer Green

Dear Scary

We, your loyal band of readers were expecting a repeat of the infamous 'I poked Kate Winslet in the tit with a scud magazine' story. Where is the 'I poked Kate Winslet in the tit with a scud magazine' story? We demand the 'I poked Kate Winslet in the tit with a scud magazine' story RIGHT NOW.

Your pals,

Loyal Band of Readers (Mrs)

The 'I poked Kate Winslet in the tit with a scud magazine' story: It is HERE.

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