This week I was set to write more tales of insanity until one of my readers contacted me. She had a story. It wasn't unusual. In fact, I'd heard ones very similar before. This time, however, it had a very different kind of ending. Anyway, I asked her if I could share her story and she was awesome enough to oblige. I've changed the names but otherwise it's straight from the horses' mouth -- only she's not a horse. In fact, I'm sure she is lovely with no equine features at all. But I digress. Here's the story:"My daughter Anna is a really sweet kid. She is 16 and is still a bit shy and insecure but really seems to be coming into her own. And she is really blossoming in terms of her appearance and the boys are starting to take notice. She is on the cheerleading squad and a few weeks ago a boy named Jack who is a star football player approached her after cheerleading practice. After chatting for a bit, he asked her out on a date. She was thrilled beyond belief! This would be her first date and she couldn't believe he even knew who she was. But then after a phone conversation or two, she didn't hear from him, and the days went by and he never followed up on the date that he had set. She was crushed, though not totally shocked, since her friends had warned her that he was a bit of a jerk. Then, to add insult to injury she discovered he just started dating another girl named Brianne who is very pretty, popular and well, rather buxom too. Needless to say, fair or not, she was quite resentful toward Brianne and bitter over the whole situation, I did have to chuckle when she said that she hated all girls with big boobs, lol! Well anyway, school started this week and one day during lunch at the cafeteria, Brianne stopped by Anna's table to talk to her. She asked if it was true if Jack stood her up, which of course Anna confirmed. Then Brianne told her that she wanted her to watch something. Brianne then walked over to Jack's table and told him off right in front of all his football buddies. She then came back to talk to Anna and said she did that because he stood up another girl. Then she told him she no longer wanted to date him. WOW Just an amazing turn of events. Anna was blown away by all of this and learned some very important lessons from this experience. Just wanted to share this with you :)" How do you like them apples? I've got a say I kinda sorta liked it. ;) First off, I love that the verbal smack down came from a girl you might not expect. She turned stereotyping on its ear, didn't she? And, yes, her actions were a little dramatic but I think Brianne wanted to make a statement. She did. I like what her statement was about. Too often we hear about girls selling each other out in the name of guys. Sometimes it's just to get a guy's attention. What a sad state of affairs. Should dating be a girl vs. girl competition where the guy always wins? Chalk me down as a "no." .What we need in the world is more girls standing up for each other the way Brianne did. I'm not saying this just for the girls' sakes but for the guys' sakes, as well. If bad boys are allowed to be bad boys they'll never learn. They'll be jerks all their lives. We've got enough of those. So thank you, Brianne, for setting that guy straight. I hope your message sunk in with him. If not, it sure made an impact on Anna and a lot of other girls. And me

Those smoldering eyes… that sexy swagger.…Ooh, that untamed heart.That…that…That a-hole!Why girls are attracted to bad boys, I’ll never know. I always chose the nice ones. Unfortunately, that meant I had a lot of cool dates with sweet guys until I met the man of my dreams. So. Totally. Boring.Okay, I’ll confess. I did date a bad boy once. He reeled me in with his charm and oh-so-vulnerable invulnerability. I fell for it. Then, when he thought he really had me, it started. An 'if you really loved me, you'd...' here, an ‘I might have to dump you if...’ there.Well, he didn’t have me. I kicked him to the curb like an empty Coke can, thus ending my bad boy experiment. The weird thing was he was stunned. Those bad boy antics had been working for him up to then.So why do girls love bad boys so much? Is it the drama? The challenge? The whole ‘chasing after what you can’t have’ thing? I’m sure that’s part of it. Plus all the books, TV shows and movies out there don’t help. They keep telling us that bad boys all have hearts of gold underneath that rock-hard exterior. They’re misunderstood. They just need the right girl to transform them into angels. Who wouldn’t want to be that girl?Well, sorry to break it to you but in real life, 99.9% of bad boys are just, well, bad. Not that they can’t be fixed. They can. I’m just not sure if you’re going to like how to do it.If you’re not dating one, ignore them.If you are dating one and they start treating you like crap, dump them. Stat. Don’t like it? Well, how else do you expect them to learn? By mooning over them and letting them treat girls like dirt? Sure, you could make up excuses in your head, like, ‘he must be hurting inside’ or ‘no one understands him,’ but do really think that’s going to help the situation? No.Showing them that treating a girl badly doesn’t fly is the best thing you can do. Trust me, if they want some action they’ll learn. You might not end up getting the final prize but, who knows? Maybe that sweet guy you finally (hopefully) end up with will have been a former bad boy?That would be a happy ending.

Though we all know this website is meant for teen girls, I've got a confession to make: not only do I have a teenaged daughter but two young sons, as well. One of them will enter teendom in less than a year and, frankly, I’m a little anxious.

Being a teenaged guy can be pretty tough -- even tougher during certain parts of the year. Need a clue? Homecoming. Another? Prom. Yes, I’m talking about ohmygodIhavetoaskagirltothedance season. For a guy it can be pretty painful.

Did you know that incidences of male stuttering increase 450% during the ‘asking a girl out’ process? That circumference of under-arm sweat circles goes up 600%? My guess is you didn’t because those figures aren’t true. Still, asking a girl out isn’t easy, which is why I’m particularly disturbed by a certain trend I’ll call The Big Ask.

Don't make me feel like a zero...

Not all of you may know about this, as it may not have spread to all four corners of the world yet, but in good ‘ole Iowa it’s been going on for years. Guys don’t simply ask a girl to a dance anymore. They go big, or stay home.

Here are some examples:

White sporks strategically stuck into Kylie’s lawn spelling out, “Will you go to Homecoming with me?”------------------The Burger King sign that says:Hannah + Jacob= Winter Ball?Crispy Chicken Sandwich just $1.99-------------------------------The bag of flaming poo placed carefully on Mallory’s doorstep with the sign,“Prom would be crappy without you.”

Okay, so the last one wasn’t very good, but you get the idea.

So tell me, who in the world dreamed up this humiliation? Isn’t having the balls to go up to a girl and ask her out enough? What if she says, ‘no?’ It’s one thing to have your ego crushed. It’s another to know you spent $12.96 on four bags of Blow Pops so you could waste two hours mounting them on a poster board reading, “Life will suck if you don’t go to the dance with me.”

As a mother of boy who will (hopefully not too soon) be entering the dating game, I must call for this madness to stop. Asking a girl to the dance will be hard enough. Why make it harder?

If you don’t agree, then answer me this: As the girl in this little scenario, what if you don’t want to go out with the guy who asks you? It’s a lot easier saying ‘no’ to someone who didn’t just glass chalk the windows of your car with ‘The Top 10 Reasons U R Awesome.’ Another question: What if the guy just bags it? What if he decides he can’t come up with something cool enough to do so he just decides not to ask you at all? It’s been known to happen.

Okay, okay. So you already have a boyfriend. You know he’ll ask you to the dance and he knows you’ll say ‘yes.’ Why not have a little fun? My answer: resource utilization. Save his energy for more important acts of subjugation, like taking you to see a chick flick or carrying shopping bags at the mall. Big Asks waste serious brownie points. With everyone trying to go green, you really shouldn't be wasteful.

Dear Mom,I’m totally in love with this really great guy. He is everything I want and he says the same about me. So what’s the problem? I met him on the internet. I really want to meet him in person and he wants to meet me, too, but he insists on doing it in an out-of-the-way place without anyone else around. He’s said it’ll be more romantic that way, but I’m a little nervous. What should I do? - In Heaven on the Internet Highway

Dear Heaven,First of all, congratulations! Second of all, RUN! This guy is totally bad news.Now I’m not saying this because you met him on the internet. After all, only 99.9% of guys you meet there are serial rapists and/or killers. There’s always that .01%. But trust me, if he’s really that awesome and thinks you two are meant to be, he should have NO problem meeting you in a controlled environment with your parents present. If he makes excuses like “I’m afraid your folks won’t like me, and if I lose you…” or “I want our first meeting to be special, I can meet them next time” then drop him like a hot tamale. Other danger words? “No one understands me like you.” No-one = his parole officer, wife or state-appointed psychiatrist. There’s also “We have a forbidden love. People just won’t understand ‘us.’” He means local, state, or federal judges. Now if buckles and says he’ll meet you with your parents at your house, don’t take the bait. He just wants your home address. If you give it to him, he’ll more than likely find his way there when your parents are conveniently absent. And that would be bad, very bad. Trust me on this. I’ve seen and heard too many bad things on the news already. Don’t be a statistic. Be smart.

Mom says: Looking for love on the internet? CLICK HEREfor a special PRINT AND POST!

Dear Mom,My mom started this website/blog for teen girls and it is totally ridiculous. She’s constantly saying stupid things and giving stupid advice and everyone knows it’s MY MOM. Why in the world is she doing this? Does she really think she’s that cool? Talk about delusional. Personally, I think she’s just trying to embarrass me. Tell me, what should I do? - Mad at my Mom

Dear Mad,Now, now. I’m sure everyone has been embarrassed by their parents at some point in their life. I know I have. But I’ve got to be honest with you – your mom sounds like one hip n’ happenin’ lady. If I were you, I’d be proud. And trust me, if she really wanted to embarrass you, creating a website would be the last thing she’d do.

She'd probably just post an old picture of you passed out on the couch after a late-night Carnation Instant Formula binge. Now THAT would be embarrassing. My advice? Suck it up and see your mother for the truly awesome person she is. Make sure to tell her so.

Ugh. Boys your age are so immature, aren’t they? If you want a REAL relationship you need to date older guys. They’re so much more sensitive, more understanding, more…I don’t know. Grown up. Right?

Well, I’ve just got one thing to say to that:

Ewwwwww.

First, let me set things straight. I’m not talking about seeing guys a year or two older than you. Three years? It starts to get questionable. A fourteen year-old dating a seventeen year-old doesn’t fly in my book, but a nineteen year-old dating a twenty-two year-old? Not a felony. But once that gap widens to four years, it gets creepy. Really creepy.

“But I’m wise beyond my years,” you say. “I can handle a real relationship.” That point I refuse to argue. In fact, for the purpose of this post, let’s assume you’re wiser than the Great Horned Owl. Well, guess what?It doesn’t matter. There’s no way you’re going have a ‘real relationship’ dating a guy who’s interested in a teen girl many years younger than himself.

You heard me:This has nothing to do with you. It has EVERYTHING to do with HIM.

Sorry to break it to you, but a guy who dates younger girls isn’t the cream of the crop. You’d probably cringe if you met him when you were the same age. On top of that, there’s a really good chance that something’s seriously wrong with him – and I’m not talking ‘cute but troubled bad boy in math class’ kind of wrong. I’m talking ‘life is a total dead end and I want to take you with me’ kind of wrong.Either that or he thinks you’re an easy target. Strike that – regardless of whether there’s something really wrong with him or not, he thinks you’re an easy target.

As for you? Don’t think you’ll look cool with a way older guy on your arm. Truth is, girls who date way older guys look: a) slutty, b) clueless or (more than likely) c) all three at the same time. If your friends tell you otherwise, they’re either a) lying, b) slutty, c) clueless…you get the idea.

So next time an older guy comes up to you, acting all smooth and cool-like, just say, “Why don’t you date someone your own age?” Sure, they’ll counter with stuff like, “No girls my age are as hot as you,” or “Girls my age are too complicated.” But you’ll know the truth – it’s because they can’t. Either that or the whole ‘easy target’ thing and, trust me, playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey might have been fun as a kid, but getting pinned in the tail by a donkey?

Coming up with ideas for blog posts can be a difficult task, so I’m taking a break to address a few pretend letters from three non-existent girls who’ve asked for advice. Like my Why Does She DO That? page, this post comes with the following:

WARNING: CONTAINS PREACHY CONTENTMay be unsuitable for viewers who aren’t in the mood

With that being said, allow me to present…

DEAR MAKE-BELIEVE MOM

Dear Mom,It’s hard to explain. I mean, I don’t go out a ton, but I do have friends. Still, sometimes I just feel so alone, like I don’t fit in. What should I do? - The Only Lonely

Dear Lonely,Rejoice! Yes, you heard me. Why? Because it means you’re normal. If you didn’t feel that way you’d be a freak. Seriously. No one feels 100% comfortable with themselves 100% of the time unless they’re on heavy medication -- and that’s a whole other issue entirely. Okay, I know what you’re thinking: What about that girl in math class, the one with the coolest clothes, coolest friends, etc.? She never feels that way, right? Wrong. Just don’t ask her to admit it unless you want her to give you the stink eye.Even still, what if she did think she was all that and a bag of Cheetos 24/7? Talk about a major head case. Nope, I’d rather be you.People who know what it’s like to feel awkward are usually nicer and make better friends. My bet is you’re one cool, compassionate chick. So don’t be sad, be GLAD (insert something snarky about garbage bags here.) You’re a better person for it.

Dear Mom,I’ve been dating this guy for a while now, and he’s been pressuring me to play Monopoly. Thing is, I’m not sure I’m ready. What should I do?- Not Quite Ready to Play

Dear Not Quite Ready,Wow, Monopoly. I can see why you’re scared. The game takes so long to set up, yet you have no guarantee your boyfriend will keep playing after just a few turns. If he does keep going, it can be hard to tell if the only reason he’s doing it is so he can hit ‘GO’ and collect $200 all the time. Then, by the time you figure that out you’ve got so much invested in the game you feel you have to keep playing even when you want to stop. ARGH! The social repercussions can be devastating, too. All it takes is for one person to find out and, before you know it, the whole world is snickering about your ‘Community Chest.’ Tragic.Plus, there’s always ‘Chance.’ Pick the wrong card and the game’s over, just like that. Talk about a messy clean up –- there are so many pieces! -- and, more than likely, you’re boyfriend won’t lift a finger to help.

My advice? Don’t roll the dice. Stick to simpler games until you want, and can afford, to buy Boardwalk and put a house on it.Trust me, your life will be happier and much more care-free.

Dear Mom,I’m sixteen years old and wear a size 11 shoe. I feel like a circus clown. Any suggestions on how I can blend?- Bigfoot in Smallsville

Dear Bigfoot,Now I’ve been pretty straight forward with advice so far, so I know you’re expecting something like, “Size 11 shoe? No big deal. I bet no one really notices,” or “Accentuate the positive! I bet you can clog dance louder and squash bugs better than anyone else around!” Truth is, I’m sure you look like a total freak and, as a teenager, the last thing you want to do is stand out. Conformity is king. So the solution is simple: remove your toes with a hacksaw. I know it sounds painful, but not as painful as the total humiliation you must be going through.I mean, I still remember the day I had to break off my friendship with a good buddy once I noticed her knees looked a little too much like russet potatoes.Sure, you’ll have trouble walking and wearing flip flops will be a thing of the past, but now you’ll be able to really rock a pair of Uggs. Totally worth it. Just ask your parents first. Doctor bills and physical therapy will play heavily in your future.

Well, that’s it for now. If you have any questions of your own, just send me an e via the handy dandy ‘Contact Me’ tab and I might just answer it. Yep, that’s right. I’m cool that way.

Why are they so dang confusing? Add the word ‘friend’ and things really turn into a mess.

As a young woman, I realize the rules of dating can be hard to figure out. With that in mind, I’ve compiled some tips to help you navigate those treacherous waters.

So grab a notebook, sharpen that pencil, and prepare to be enlightened as I give you…

Mom’s Maintenance Tips: Boyfriend Edition

First off, make sure you tell him you love him right away. Sprinkling the word ‘marriage’ into the conversation helps, too. Guys don’t want to be kept guessing, plus they’re hungry for deep, committed relationships. Starting out slow can end in disaster.

Monopolize his time. As you know, dating is a full-time job. There's no need for him to hang with his guy friends any more. That goes for you and your friends, too. Now, now. Don’t worry. They'll all understand. Not only that, once your relationship is over they’ll be eager to continue your friendship right where it left off. No hard feelings at all. Promise.

Okay, I realize there will be times when the two of you can’t be together. We all need potty breaks, after all. When that occurs, it is important for you to call or text him constantly. Clingy is cool, plus all boyfriends crave a play-by-play of their girlfriend’s activities. Remember: how many eyebrow hairs you've plucked + the number of blank pages left in your science notebook = fascinating!!!

Make sure to usebaby talk/kissy noises whenever possible -- the more public the place the better. Boys love to hear it as well as participate, particularly when around their friends.Cute pet names, like Hugmuffin, Snookems, or anything ending in ‘poo’ (Snugglepoo, Pookiepoo, Runnypoo- you get the idea) is best.

While we’re on the topic of his friends, make sure to tell them all of the sweet, romantic things your boyfriend doesfor you when the two of you are alone. You may think that the tips of his ears are red from embarrassment but, no, it’s pride.

Never forget that dating is a competition. Therefore, it’s important to update your boyfriend on all of the nice things your friends’ boyfriends are doing for them, particularly if it involves money and/or gifts. If you don’t, he might look like a loser. Then you’ll look like a loser and…well, you know where I’m going with this.

Lastly, that whole business about ‘just being yourself?’ As if. For your relationship to be a success, you must pretend to like everything he likes. So keep that channel on ESPN, cheer him on during World of War Craft. It may not be fun but you have a boyfriend and, in the end, that’s all that matters.

________________________

Well there you have it – the extent of all my knowledge and wisdom. Yes, I know it makes having a boyfriend seem like a lot of work but, HELLO, it is. Your upgrade in social status makes it worth it. You might even make your friends jealous – bonus!

So here's wishing you luck and happiness. Okay, so maybe not happiness, but luck -- lots and lots of luck. And if you follow my tips, trust me, you’ll need it.

Weird Author

My name's Murphy, Janene Murphy, and I'm a weird mom.

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