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August 09, 2012

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Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

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Country singer Randy Travis was arrested for a DWI in Texas while driving naked. Or as they say in Texas, "nekkid." Which is adorable.

China announced it will close a third of its mines to help preserve the industry as well as the environment. Oh, and because that's where they trapped the zombies.

The Mars rover Curiosity sent back its first color photo. Nothing too unusual, just a shot of the rover taking a picture of itself in its bathroom mirror without a shirt.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said he doesn't think the nation's $1 trillion in student loan debt is "a financial stability issue." Mainly because he just finished paying his student loans off last year.

Said Kardashian, "I know he doesn’t mean it in a negative way when he says the word ‘bitch.’” Making that two words Kim Kardashian doesn't understand: bitch and negative.

John Schnatter, CEO and founder of Papa John's, warned that the Affordable Care Act will drive up the price of pizza by 11 cents. Like fat people needed one more reason to resent Obama and his slender body.

Southern California got hit by 30 small earthquakes that started Tuesday night. "Yeah, you like that?" said the Pacific Plate. "You know I do," said the North American Plate.

Diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, actor Bob Hoskins has said he will retire. Hoskins best known as the guy who came the closest to having sex with a cartoon.

An airline passenger noticed mid-flight the message "We know about this" written above a damaged part of the wing. You can tell it wasn't a Southwest flight because there was a wing.

Joan Rivers protested at a Burbank Costco because the chain refuses to sell her book. Not to mention how they've been treating her family.