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Love & Hugs,
Glen

Learn what causes a controlling relationship, how to recognize the signs
you're in one and what to do about it.

Signs Of A Controlling Relationship

We've all experienced one type of controlling relationship or another.
Sometimes, though, the control goes too far, and one person begins to feel
manipulated or intimidated. In these cases, it's good to understand
how to manage your side of the relationship and turn it around. That's
what this article is all about.

Many Types Of Controlling Relationships: Normal controlling
relationships are by choice or necessity. It's necessary to be in
control of your infant or toddler, for instance. True harm comes when
a parent fails to exercise that control. People choose to be
controlled by their employers, even when they think the boss is wrong.
That's an economic choice! Normal controlling relationships exist in
schools and churches, even in government. What we're going to
concentrate on are the abnormal controlling relationships, and what to do
about them.

Signs Control Has Gone Too Far: Everywhere normal controlling
relationships exist, abnormal control is possible. Some people just
can't tell the difference. There's the controlling pastor who goes so
far as to tell people who they can marry. Everyone has met at least
one government autocrat who uses his tiny cubicle to terrorize anyone
unfortunate enough to need his signature. These are so obvious as to
be cliché. What are the signs, though, when what you thought was a
normal relationship, becomes controlling?

The controllers rarely know! They're operating from a deep need to
lord it over others based in things they're often unaware of. It could
be a small man trying to compensate for his size, or someone who was an
abandoned child needing to have people beholding to him. The fact is,
controllers feel so intensely inadequate, the only way they approach
"normal" in their minds is to be in charge of everything and everyone.
There is nothing more threatening to them than a differing opinion.
They will control with whatever tools they can find. The usual tools
are authority, age, intimidation, relationship, threat, manipulation, money,
or political influence.

The signs that someone is trying to control you are pretty simple.
Basically, do they accept and respect your decision or do they use one of
the tools above to change your mind? Maybe you don't notice it at
first, but you find yourself trying to twist and rationalize yourself away
from what you think in order to accommodate the controller.
Controllers use the fact that everyone wants to get along, to pressure
people into going along with them, when they don't agree. Sometimes
you know you're in a controlling relationship when you hesitate to offer
your opinion for fear of a controversy..."better let the controller speak
and avoid trouble." Generally, the greater fear the controlee has, the
more threatening and bullying the controller is. This can quickly grow
into abuse as one becomes too timid to do or say anything but what the other
wants. These kinds of relationships are most common between spouses or
parents and children.

Two Sides of A Controlling Relationship: Even in family
relationships where one person seeks to dominate, there are always two sides
to the controlling relationship. Small children have no choice at
first, but as they grow, they need to assert themselves and face their fears
or they will suffer and struggle their whole lives. Bullies will
continue until someone faces them down. I was 18 until I finally faced
down my abusive father. Afterwards, he was docile and even friendly
toward me. In a marriage, if one person is allowed to control
everything, there is no way love can grow. The relationship will
become abusive or the controlee, seeing no other recourse, will leave, to
the great surprise of the controller, who thought the relationship was near
perfect. The fact is, the controlees have more power than they're
willing to use.

How To Turn It Around: The controlees, in fact, have all the power.
Remember that people are controllers to compensate for a feeling of
inadequacy. Once the controlee understands this, it can be a powerful
tool to keep from being controlled. Now, you're not fooling me...some
of you want to be controlled to avoid responsibility for your own decisions,
but you're not who this article is for. For those who want to end this
form of psychological imprisonment, you can. Just say no, calmly,
consistently, uncompromisingly, no! At times when you agree, agree,
but NEVER change your mind in the face of any kind of pressure.

If the controller continues and increases the pressure, let him know you
feel he doesn't respect you or your opinion. If your controller keeps
on, let him know, if he doesn't change the way he behaves, you'll have to
end the relationship. You can't compromise with a controller...all you
can do is submit. I suspect, if you wanted to continue doing that, you
wouldn't have read this far. Frankly, if these tactics don't change
the behavior of the controller in your life, the only thing you can do is
put the controller out of your life. Frankly, if these tactics don't
change the controller in your life, you were never important to that
controller...just a placeholder for them to assert their need to dominate.
Get away, stay away, and work to build your self-esteem so no one can put
you in that position again.

I want you to know there is someone who can help, who loves
you and wants only the best for you. That someone is God. If you
want help from God, just click on
Help Me God.

Way2Hope News!

Always see a licensed medical practitioner before making changes in your health an fitness practices. Advice given at this website, or in conjunction with www.way2hope.org or e-Home Fellowship activities is not to replace the advice given by a licensed professional nor be taken as a counseling or clinical relationship but only as suggestion. We're just sharing things we've discovered, as regular untrained people. As a user of this website you bear full responsibility for your decisions and actions. External websites linked from this site are for information, only. We do not endorse any product, service or treatment. As a user of this website you bear full responsibility for your decisions regarding these products, services and treatments.

Bio: Glen
Williams is Director of E-Home Fellowship, Co. and Webmaster for
http://www.way2hope.org. He founded
EHF in 2001, after more than ten years of full-time service helping people with
life problems. Now, every month, people in over 160 countries come to EHF
websites for help with their problems.