Are your kids waking up screaming every night with nightmares about a 10 foot tall demon with giant jowls and a hell hound named Checkers? Well then sit them on down as we will teach the children of the world all about the glory that was… Richard Nixon!

What is a Richard Nixon?

You may have heard a lot of the kids at school talking about someone or something called “Richard Nixon”. First of all, do not worry. There is nothing to be afraid of. Richard Nixon is dead, and has been dead for almost fifteen years. No matter what the other kids tell you, he can’t get to you. Any of the rumours you may have heard about him stealing children from their beds and forcing them to die in rice patties is only a half truth.

Richard Milhous Nixon was the 37th President of the United States, back when you could still be kind of ugly and wind up being President of the United States. Remember, this was in the 1960s, so even though he may look kind of goofy by today’s standards, most people looked like him back then.

A lot of people did not like Nixon, because they thought he didn’t do a very good job as the president. In fact, he quit the job before his time was up. Not because he didn’t like the job. Oh boy, did he ever LOVE that job! It is hard to explain, but try to think of it this way. If you have a job that you love, but every other person you work with says you stink, it would make going to work every day way less fun, wouldn’t it? These people might even try to get you fired, but before they get to, you yell out “You can’t fire me, I quit!” and storm out of there, confident that you really showed those bullies who is the boss. Way to show ’em, champ! This little scenario brings up two good pieces of advice you should always remember. First, people in glass houses should not throw stones, and second, people who live in houses that are wired for sound all day every day should not talk about illegal activities that they will later try to deny ever having any knowledge of to the House Judiciary Committee.

What did he do as president?

Nixon was the president during the Vietnam war. This was a war between the United States and one really angry guy named Charlie. It is not very well known what Charlie did exactly, but whatever it was, it must have been really bad. Because of the war, lots of people got to take a plane to the jungle where they tried a whole bunch of drugs (which was okay, since there was a war going on), and listened to The Doors over and over and over again (which is never okay, regardless of war). This was a big, scary adventure that Nixon led a lot of Americans into. It was kind of like a big camping trip, only the guide had no idea where they were going, most of the campers did not want to go, and all the owls in the forest had machine guns. Good thing we had bigger guns than the owls did, so we made it out of that adventure a-ok!

President Nixon also had a lot in common with some famous people you might already know about. For example, you know how Santa Claus has a list of kids who are naughty and nice? Well, Nixon had a list like that, too! The only difference was his list was only a naughty list, it was full of grown ups, and instead of lumps of coal, he made sure they had to pay more taxes and would never find out why.

Nixon was also the president the first time man walked on the moon, and would often brag about it like he had done it himself, or actually had something to do with it.

That is really all I can tell you about what he did as president. The rest will have to wait until you are older and are less likely to cry when you hear sad or frustrating stories.

What is a Watergate?

A lot of people talk about something Nixon was involved in called “The Watergate”. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but don’t get too excited. “The Watergate”, sadly, is nothing like a slip-n-slide or any other kind of lawn-oriented water sport. Although, for Nixon, the Watergate was very similar to one of those in many ways. Mainly the part where you go too fast and fly off the end and into your neighbours driveway.

You see, like I said before, Nixon LOVED being the president. In fact, he LOVED being the president so much, that he wanted to be the president for as long as he possibly could. The problem for Nixon was there is a silly law in America that says a person can only be the president for eight years. Even worse, after four years, you have to apply to be the president again. It is kind of dumb when you think about it. I mean, if you drive an ice cream truck, they don’t make you learn how to drive it again and try to get you job back every four years, do they? Of course not. That would be stupid. But wait, think about this! What if there was another guy who wanted to drive your truck? YOUR truck! And this guy, he’s pretty confident that he’ll get your job, and you are convinced that he has a whole bunch of secret plans on how to trick people into thinking that he is a better ice cream man than you. He is being a real jerk about it, too. Really rubbing it in your face. That isn’t fair, now is it? Well, suppose you know where this other guy lives, and you pay a bunch of people to sneak into his house and find out what he knows. It’s only fair, right?

Well, as it turns out… no. Not at all, actually. In fact it is the exact opposite of fair.

The reason Nixon was bad for doing this was because we have to make sure different people get a fair chance to be the president. After a few years, the american people start get tired of seeing the same guy saying the same things over and over, and usually like to see a new person say those exact same things for a few years. If you’re really good at saying the things, then you get to keep the job for the whole eight years. However, if you’re not, its not okay to turn it on the person who wants your job and only talk about how bad they would be at it compared to you. But that’s okay, because since Nixon, no person trying to be president has ever said anything bad about anyone else ever again.

Or at least they’ve known better than to record themselves if they do.

Hey mom and dad! Sit the kids down at the computer and let The Placeholder educate the fuck out of them! Today’s topic, DEMOCRACY!

What is democracy?

Democracy (DEH-MOE-CRA-CEE) is how all good countries work. It is what we like to call the process of, or, in a way, the ‘sport’ of running a country. You know how when you jump into a pool and splash around in a circle your mom and dad call it ‘swimming’, even though you didn’t even stay afloat or move anywhere? Well, when countries do that, its called ‘Democracy’.

Our country runs on what is called a ‘Democratic System of Government’. This basically means we talk about things we are going to do as a group before we go do them. In a democracy, the people get to choose who leads them, and those leaders get to decide how all the country people’s tax money is spent, what countries are bad, and who gets to go to war to become heroes.

In America, the people are lead by The President, and he (or she, but most likely he), is elected by the people by voting in elections, which usually take place in the back of high school gyms, and not a lot of people show up. Most of the time, not everyone chooses the same person to be The President. In fact, a lot of the time, it is less than half of the people who voted. The rest of the people who wanted another person to be The President may not listen to what The President has to say, and will in fact do the exact opposite of everything he says. These people are called “Senators” and “Congressmen”.

Is it like how mommy and daddy run our home?

Unlike your family, where your mom and dad are sort of like Presidents and you are little senators, if you decide you don’t want to do something that they tell you to do, they can force you to go to your room with no dinner. In a real democracy, this is called “false imprisonment and torture by starvation”, and the person who did it to you would go to jail. Your mom and dad, however, will never go to jail for doing this to you. This is because your mom and dad do not believe in democracy. They operate under what we like to call Fascism (FAA-SHIZ-EM). Make sure to tell them that the next time they try to make you eat squash or cauliflower again. Yuk!

Is it like how teacher runs the classroom?

Your teachers may tell you that the classroom is a democracy, but once again, they have lied to you. Lied right to your face. And they will keep doing it, too, so keep your heads up on that one. Your teacher may put you into groups and force you to share your crayons with the kid who hogs all the good colours for himself. In a democracy, you would be allowed to file a “Proposition” (PRAW-PO-ZISH-ON), signed by you and the those in the class who agree with you, that the kid who hogs all the good colours should only get yellow and white crayons, since nobody uses those ones anyway, and because he smells. But again, just like how you did not get to vote for your parents, you also do not get to vote for your teachers, either. Lame, I know. Since your teacher will not accept your propositions, and will force you to share the crayons anyway, this is also not a real democracy. This is called Communism (KOM-YOU-NIZ-EM), and communists don’t believe in anything that makes perfect sense, no matter how many smart people tell them that they’re dumb and don’t get how the world really works. However, the good news is if you tell a policeman about your teacher, and you use the word ‘communist’, if you are lucky, in a few days you might discover that you will get a NEW teacher. Try it!

Where have I seen democracy in action?

Most of you won’t see or experience real democracy in action untill you get older and start learning about real big kid words like “Bankruptcy” (BANG-KRUP-SEA) and “Statutory”(STA-CHEW-TOR-EE). Come to think of it, you may be too young to have even seen a real democracy in action yet. Although, have you and your friends ever been playing in a park, when one of you finds a dead raccoon in a bush? And your friend dares you to touch it, but you don’t want to? And then your friend asks all your other friends if they should put it to a vote, and even though you still don’t want to touch it, all of them say you should? So you end up touching it and have to stay home from school for a week because you start getting dizzy and your poop turns red? There you go. That’s democracy in action.