The Bezos Pecker Problem

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“When I stopped doing cocaine, it was amazing to me that I didn’t need to carry a gun anymore. I just didn’t need one!” – Joe Walsh, The Eagles

There’s been some uproar at the studio building where they film Good Morning Britain – and Piers Morgan’s arsehole is right at the centre of it.

There’s apparently a big discrepancy between the quality of toilet paper on offer to staff there. Most of the workers at Television Centre are having to make do with cheap TP that’s causing some people terrible trouble with their haemorrhoids. Meanwhile they’ve discovered that Piers Morgan is treated to a nice supply of fancy paper and even has access to “special wipes”.

Remember that fetid, greasy mass of shit and rotten waste that keeps clogging everything up and just won’t die? Well, it turns out he’s contributing to the fatberg.

Mel B once starred in a film with Tom Hardy. LD50 saw Mel as an animal rights activist trying to save her colleague, Hardy, from being experimented on in a lab. After this movie Hardy checked himself into rehab for crack addiction.

>> Prime time <<

Keeping his Pecker up

As the National Enquirer’s head honchos David Pecker and Dylan Howard were instrumental in sending Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen to the Big House (bagging themselves immunity from prosecution in the process) it was thought their longstanding efforts to aid President Trump would be over.

Yet it was the Enquirer who dropped the recent slam-dunk scoop on the sexts and subsequent divorce proceedings of Jeff Bezos – the proprietor of Trump bête noir, the Washington Post.

The story has really set tongues wagging in media and political circles, but what enquiring minds really want to know is: how the hell did the Enquirer get hold of Jeff’s actual texts? Insiders suggest it might be worth looking to Hollywood talent agent Michael Sanchez. Michael is well-known as being the brother of Lauren Sanchez, the woman lucky enough to receive the Bezos dick pics.

And rather less well-known as a close friend of Dylan Howard, editor of the National Enquirer.

Lauren Sanchez was the host of the inaugural series of So You Think You Can Dance on US TV. She was replaced after the first series by… Cat Deeley.

>> Big Questions <<

Who’s asking what this week?

Which veteran star of TV detective shows has the secret nickname “Scatman” on some TV sets? And not because of his skibby dibby doobie, scoobie oobie melodies…

(He likes to shit on his companions in bed.)

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>> Private matters <<

Poetry is for paedos

It’s been a while since we’ve heard anything from Paul McMullan – the breakout star of the phone-hacking scandal who insisted that “privacy is for paedos”.

Huh. Wonder if he’ll include any of the love poetry that he used to write to her when he’d been on the sauce? We’ll maybe chip in if he does.

Mucky has been collaborating with another ex-NOTWer for this exposé, Christine Hart. Chrissie is best known in media circles for writing an e-book on her “intensely sensual attraction” to Lib Dem ex-MP Dr Evan Harris. And for convincing herself that Ian Brady was her dad.

>> Red alert <<

Louise’s lack of luck

We knew Louise Redknapp was going through a bit of a rough spot at the minute, but we didn’t realise things had got quite so bad.

We knew she’d suffered a serious injury. We knew she’d been forced to pull out of her opening performance in the 9 To 5 musical. But what on earth could have happened that has compelled her to sign up with Simon Jones PR – the man who represents such professional disaster magnets as Ant McPartlin, Cheryl Cole, Tess Daly and Tulisa?

Louise, you’re scaring us. Call. Please.

Jonathan King is trying to send a song to Eurovision, a devilishly subtle satire called “We’re Leaving But We Don’t Want To”.

>> Mueller time <<

Grilling Russian Bublé

It’s not often that David Sneddon off of Fame Academy crops up in a story of serious international significance – but that might be about to change.

The Russian billionaire pop star at the centre of the Mueller investigation, Emin Agalarov, has got a gig next week. In New York. Which means that, for the first time since he was implicated in setting up a meeting between Don Jr and a Russian lobbyist (and potentially inspiring the piss tape rumour too), Emin is going to be setting foot on US soil.

Is the shit about to hit the fan? Will Emin be called in for questioning at arrivals? And how is David Sneddon involved in all of this? We’ll try to get you up to speed on the whole weird story…

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>> Richard Blockwood <<

“Oooh, we love you BB!”

Someone who worked across the many Blockbuster branches of south-west London in the mid-90s remembers Richard Blackwood coming in with a different honey on his arm every week. He would always focus on the Haagen Dazs, but was strictly a single-rental skinflint.

On the occasions that they had to call up about late returns, they discovered Richard had listed his dad’s number on his account. However, his dad would always answer any questions they had and was always very nice to deal with.

Robbie Fowler used to get his late fees wiped as a courtesy at his local branch because he always bought so much Haagen Dazs.

>> Junk mail <<

A tale between their legs

Media Twitter was ablaze this week with a debate about which publications ‘principled’ journalists can and can’t write for. The same argument happens every couple of months, but it may be of interest to learn that one former journalist-turned-author is currently having to eat huge gobfuls of humble pie because of this very thing.

It seems their most recent book hasn’t sold quite as well as expected, so they’re now feverishly trying to pitch chapter excerpts and other related pieces to the Daily Mail to drum up some interest.

They’re not having much luck though. Possibly because the Mail doesn’t feel hugely sympathetic towards the hack in question. Not after the many years he spent publicly attacking them, anyhow.

Best of luck to nominative determinism hall-of-famer, Professor Roger Kneebone, who starts his new job as Professor of Anatomy at the Royal Academy of Arts on Saturday. Knock ’em dead, Rog!

>> Evans above <<

Jingles all the way

Chris Evans starts his new radio show on Monday and the big concern is that listeners aren’t going to follow him over. Virgin is doing everything it can to make the transition as seamless as possible – including dropping their usual advertising for the show so as not to put off his old audience.

One of the more peculiar deals they struck with the Beeb though was allowing Evans to take all his old jingles and production materials over to Virgin so that he can continue playing the same sound cues on his new show too.

Whether he’s actually had his producers go to the trouble of trimming out mentions of “BBC Radio 2” and splice in new mentions of “Virgin Radio” instead, we guess we’ll find out on Monday.

Media Master’s Podcast: This week’s interview is with Elizabeth Day, the author, journalist and host of the painfully honest celebrity podcast How To Fail. She talks podcasting, long-form journalism, and the week she spent living as Gwyneth Paltrow…
[Download/Listen on Media Masters]

>> Hmmms <<

Stockings, cockings, beef

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