Anger and resentment can be the offspring of stress

"I hate my life!" I've heard that comment many times from people in various circumstances. Though there are sometimes many siblings, there is usually just one who does the care giving. Interestingly, it is daughters who are usually expected to become the family caregivers.

The frustrations are that either the caregiver doesn't have enough time for the loved one, or not enough time for him or herself. Over time, the caregiver comes to hate his or her life because there is no time to live his or her own life. The caregiver gets so tired, so filled with rage, that it feels "normal." There is no relief in sight, and many times no support from siblings. It is just the expectation that the oldest daughter is responsible to become the primary caregiver. In some cases, even a father doesn't take the role, even if is is the mother who is seriously ill.

The anger and resentment is a result of caregiver stress. We succumb to the stress because of the fear that we have buried about the situation and our expectations of ourselves.

One of the steps we can take to alleviate some of the stress is to establish a distance from the intensity of the situation, both physical and emotional, to moderate the feeling of being in constant turmoil. An example is to go to lunch with a friend.

Another step to take is to not dwell on negative feelings by oneself. That tends to intensify and crystallize those negative feelings. I have a friend who lives alone who will dwell on beliefs that are not substantiated until she is certain that what she thought about is true. She then acts upon those false negative beliefs. This adds to her stress immensely. It is possible that one might need the help of a professional with expressing those negative feelings.

One of the care giving pitfalls is when the ailing parents are being cared for by one of their children. Beth McLeod writes in her book, "Caregiving" that "Although caregiving is often called role reversal, an adult child never becomes the parent's parent; a wife does not become a husband. Instead care giving is about letting go of outmoded patterns to serve the needs at hand." This is a revolutionary thought. Those of us who have had to care for an older adult who behaves as a child may disagree. Yet, she has a point. We didn't raise them from being a child to an adult.

In his book "Once Upon a Midlife," psychiatrist Allan Chinen researched more than 5,000 fairy tales from dreams, anthropology and mythology. He found "middle tales," stories that light on this phase of life, such as dealing with crises, etc. He looks at those who are in midlife as ones who have trouble switching rolls.

"We learn to be children and we learn how to be adults who take care of children; we learn how to be husband and wife. But we are not taught how to exchange these roles; to find out how to do it, we must revisit childhood and restore the pieces left behind while we were busy becoming somebody," he wrote.

I believe what he is saying is we must look at ourselves in a different way. We will be changed by the care-giving experience and we must look at how that is occurring and accept the new person we become. It is our choice to become angry or resentful ... or to be positive and hopeful.

Dr. Bernie Segel says in "How to Live between Office Visits," that "if you think that trying to do it all makes you independent, you're wrong. What this does is exhaust you and makes you vulnerable to illness ? Being independent doesn't mean that you don't need other people in your life ... It means knowing your ability to deal with adversity as well as expressing feelings, asking for help when appropriate, sharing your needs."

"Regret and guilt, anger and resentment: these are the offspring of caregiver stress. We have given them power, but we can also set them free. The truth is that love is stronger than fear. It is the heart that shows the vision of how life can be, even in the midst of suffering."

"There is always hope: in the darkness lies the pathway out. As we enter the fearful places, we discover that it is we who dominate them, not the reverse. We have more control than we think. We always have choice: the exhortation is to become aware that we do." Beth McLeod.

We offer a support group at Crosswood United Methodist Church at 1551 Richland Road. We will meet at a different time in July. We shall meet at 1 p.m. July 9. All are welcome. God bless.

Kay Evans is a caregiving veteran. She grew up in Marion before moving to Mount Gilead, where she retired from teaching.

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Anger and resentment can be the offspring of stress

'I hate my life!' I've heard that comment many times from people in various circumstances. Though there are sometimes many siblings, there is usually just one who does the care giving.