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Bachelor Pad: So Much to Un-See, So Much to Un-Hear

Hi, Bachelor Pad junkies! I missed you guys while I was on vacation... and how ironic that I, a former spelling bee enthusiast, would miss that gem of an episode. (Well done, Anna M.)

Anyway, the show welcomed me back like a ten-time, thirty-eight-year-old contestant--warmly and with ever more tests of my dignity.

Right off the bat, Chris and Sarah won another challenge. I'm getting sick of looking at these two and their constant celebrations, which usually end with him accidentally eating a mouthful of her hair. Is anyone rooting for them?

This leads me to super uncomfortable moment #1: Tony stroking Blakeley's leg in the limo after they were immediately sent home by Chris and Sarah, who had the privilege of choosing whom to boot.

This erosive behavior went on for full minutes. I'm pretty sure Blakeley has a dent in her thigh now, and I'm definitely sure that you can't go straight to the airport dressed like that.

Uncomfortable moment #2: This is more of one of those vaguely unsettling moments. Something about Chris Harrison's blazer-tee combo here made me immediately distrust him.

Can't put my finger on it, just get the sense he's been pinning stills of Dateline killers on his "Outfits I <3" Pinterest board.

I now interrupt this rundown of unease to show you the pianist from Glee, who made a surprise appearance as a vocal coach. Yay, Brad Ellis!

A vocal coach, you say? Oh, dear. Yes. Let's get down to it. I was right not to trust Harrison.

You know how I'm always belaboring the fake, awkward concerts they stage on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette? Well. My attitude changed immediately when I saw Night Ranger onscreen, singing the amazing power ballad that is "Sister Christian." It felt like a personal thank-you for years of watching Bachelor madness. When I hear "Sister Christian," I am pumped. I don't mean like this:

I mean like THIS:

And just when I thought Bachelor Pad was really being cool for once, I learned that I'd spend the next thirty minutes watching and listening to the finalists butcher this sacred hymn. And I. Mean. Butcher. Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub, ALL OF THEM BUTCHERS, MAKE IT STOP, MY EARS. I will spare you from the audio, but if you're a true masochist, click here.

What I won't spare you from is the visuals. The Padders went slightly nuts, especially Sarah, who was all:

And everybody watching was like:

Still with me? Then you probably made it through the episode, too. You know that Rachel and Nick won that challenge (though, really, weren't we all losers?) and that Rachel blew up her friendship with Jaclyn by agreeing to send her and Ed home. Which led to my Chris Harrison lurkworthy moment of the week:

Our final two teams are Rachel and Nick, Sarah and Chris. And the preview for the finale next week isn't just being hyped as the "most controversial" ever (naturally), it's also being called the "most disturbing" ever. Hmm, OK. Well, that raises a few questions in my mind, but none as pressing as this one: