Monday, November 14, 2011

The Cranky Divorcee

Our first letter last week was from Harry Potter, husband of
Ginny Weasley. Forming one of the most
boring fictional couples ever, they brought out the worst advice I could
give. What can I say? Boredom calls up impulsive, bad, enjoyable ideas every
time. Advice seekers: infuriate,
delight, perplex and revolt me. But for
the love of the sweet baby Jesus, don’t bore me. The second advice-seeker was the persona of Zooey
Deschanel. Does her perfection bore?
Perhaps. But she looks too much like a mammalian infant to allow me to ever
hate her.

Onto the advice.

Dear Cranky Divorcee,

I grew up next to a rather wild young man, whose wealthy grandfather helped
my sisters and mother in so many ways.
The young man and I spent so much time together, that gradually we
developed feelings for each other. My
older sister has married, and is quite the little wife. But I long to live a
different life; my secret dream is to be a writer. I know my little scribblings
may not amount to much, but my soul burns to devote myself to my work. The young man I mentioned has just proposed
to me. What shall I do?

Gratefully,

Transcendent

Transcendent, you should say yes and never look back. There are moments
that define the path your life will take. Rejecting his proposal will lead you
to move far away from home, where you will fall in love with an elderly
professor whose main attraction seems to be that he’s a father figure. You’ll
end up marrying this professor, and giving up your literary ambitions to help him
run a boarding school for hellions. You’ll
shrink into a shadow who supports her man by taking on his dreams. But that frightening future doesn’t have to
be.

Your wealthy young man, who you think you don’t love enough, will
support your ambitions. In time, you’ll
realize that you had what we now refer to as “daddy issues,” due to your father’s
long absence while fighting in the war. Right now, you can’t see that you’re suppressing your feelings. Stop
sabotaging yourself and take the easy route! If you don’t, your bratty but
shrewd younger sister will snap up your suitor while he’s on the rebound from
your rejection. She’ll pursue her artistic
dreams, and end up with one perfect child, not a houseful of wild boys who
never stop wreaking havoc. Remember: just because choosing
him is easy doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Next: Destiny vs. Death

Dear Cranky Divorcee,

I thought I was a seventeen year old orphan living in Prague, who had
been raised by strange, magical creatures.
When I first met this angel, he was trying to kill me. But then we
realized that I was the reincarnation of his forbidden love, a demon who had
saved his life. So, I’m kind of torn. On
the one hand, he and the other angels have killed my entire family. But we’re meant to be together. We’re soul
mates! My destiny as a reincarnated demon is to complete my romance with this
angel and live happily ever after! So, does it have to be a deal breaker if your boyfriend
and his buddies kill almost everyone you love? Or is it okay if you had this amazingly
tortured relationship in a past life?

Confused,

Lovestruck

P.S. He’s so hot!!

They say patience is a virtue, but it’s one I don’t possess, so I won’t
try to dress up my advice with sympathy and understanding. Having a boyfriend kill your family goes so
far beyond deal breaker that it requires a new catch phrase.

Imagine me thrusting my hands through the pages
of your world and shaking some sense into you. This choice is utterly
obvious. Stay away—far, far away—from your
killer hunk. Perhaps breaking up with him won’t fulfill the dream of destiny
and romance that your creator has for you, but really, who cares? You’ve got a lot going for you, what with the
blue hair and spunky personality. This relationship from a past life is only
bogging you down. Think about it this way—things didn’t work out for you then.
Why should it be different in this life? Kick out that reincarnated spirit and
live in the present.