Survivor Stream of Consciousness: Spencerana Jones and the Quest for the Holy Idol…

April 11, 2014

Welcome back, everybody! While we’re waiting for Survivor to start, can you guys believe that they’re going to make a Goonies sequel? My first thought was if Goonies 2 is really happening, I have to know how much they had to pay Corey Feldman to come back…There’s no way he put his burgeoning rock star career and being a main stay at press conferences for Michael Jackson’s DNA test aside, unless he got paid a shitload of money and probably had a back-end deal on the gross (for all you movie insiders). Speaking of which, do you want to see the best, most emotional video of all time?

You’re welcome……Anyways, how can they remake The Goonies? Has one of these remakes from the 80’s even been decent? They remade Footloose…gross. They remade Red Dawn…Thank god Patrick Swayze wasn’t alive to see that. I mean, do we really want to see a bloated Sean Astin running around in caves getting all wheezy and fatigued? There’s no way in hell Josh Brolin is going to say yes to this, and the red-headed girl who was in like ten 80’s movies has never been seen or heard from again. I’m too depressed to talk about this, so let’s get to Survivor.

Last week, it seemed like a lot of people were Anti-Kass, but really to me, it seems like it was a great move for at least the short-term. Kass helped get one of the true threats out this season. I think Kass, although maybe a tad crazy, helped out everybody else left in the game. So for that reason, you have to give her props. It seems like it all comes down to likable personalities when moves like that are made. You get a Boston Rob doing that move (my personal favorite all-time player) and he gets lauded, and a jury wouldn’t be bitter towards him. I would bet my shitty non-profit salary that if Kass makes it to the finals, she will face the wrath of a bitter jury, mainly because she doesn’t appear to be as “likable” as a Boston Rob or anyone else who, in the history of Survivor, made a big move but didn’t suffer the fate of being penalized. With that said, it’s 8 p.m. and this show is about to start.

8 p.m.

Previously on Survivor (Jeff Probst’s voice)… The biggest waste of two idols in the history of Survivor was played. Ozzy took a big gulp of scotch after seeing that unfold. Kass pulled a John Wilkes Booth on President Sarah and sent her to the jury. The film crew had to hold me back from attacking Spencer after he went after Kass.

Black-and-white Survivor starts us off and we get a very bitter Spencer approaching Kass. He’d better choose his words very carefully before Jeff Probst pulls a Sonny Corleone on him.

Go to the 1:14 mark of that clip and watch for the biggest phantom punch ever. Spencer plays the estrogen card when discussing Kass to win over more female fans out there.

Kass condescendingly talks to Spencer about strategy. Spencer doesn’t feel like having this conversation right now. When did Spencer turn into such a hothead?

Kass calls herself a free-agent. At this point, is Kass a free- agent or is she aligning with one team? Going back and forth like she has been can work, but only for a certain amount of time. Kass will need to choose a side at some point in the next three weeks. I think at this point, it’s going to be hard for her to find trust with anyone.

Morgan and Kass get into it. Kass needs to watch herself; I don’t think any of us appreciate you attacking Morgan, who is such an angel and has played this game with grace and dignity since day one.

Morgan takes the…high road… in her confessional when talking about Kass. I mean, yes, she commented on how she is pretty and Kass is not…but it was still done in a very classy way.

We’re back from commercial and we’re greeted by a major cleavage shot of Tasha walking up to the challenge. Last week, she was dressed as The Wizard of Oz and this week she’s going with the Baywatch look…it’s good to mix up your looks; it throws people off.

The challenge prize is one giant, gratuitous plug for Outback Steakhouse. You’ve got to love awkward advertising during a show.

L.J. continues to show dominance in puzzles. I feel like he has single-handedly won every puzzle comp for his team this season. I wonder if he is popping Ritalin secretly or something. He should be tested before the next competition. We can’t go through another Lance Armstrong situation again…it’s just too hard (That’s what she said ;)).

8:15 p.m.

Tony is without a machete for the first time this season, as he poetically states that it’s better to be pissed off than pissed on…Tough to argue with that logic.

Kass is trying to sell everybody on the idea that she is not a flipper, even though everybody whom she is saying this to was there when she showcased her flipping ways. So who is she fooling?

It looks like Tony has some contraption that a dog catcher uses. Where did he get that? Where does he find these things? Seriously, where did he get that? Seriously, everybody stop what they’re doing and tell me how Tony got that. I have never seen whatever that thing is in the history of Survivor.

Outback Steakhouse is really getting their money’s worth tonight, Jesus. I haven’t been to an Outback Steakhouse since 2001 after I smoked something that college students are known to smoke. I ended up eating like these people are eating now….Basically, every Survivor food reward is identical to a group of people that just smoked too much pot.

Spencer gets a clue to the idol in his napkin. Now was this placed in his napkin specifically for him or was it random? I find it hard to believe that anything is random on this show. Maybe the producers are trying to push Spencer forward in a season where there hasn’t been a clear “hero” or star to root for yet. Spencer looks as if he is not going to be sharing this clue with the others.

We get back to camp and Woo immediately stalks Spencer when he goes off to find the idol. It’s kind of creepy to be honest. He looks like a peeping Tom as Spencer tears through the mud wall.

It’s a bizarre turn of events as Spencer stupidly leaves the clue in his folded pants before walking off, which Woo throws at him, dropping the clue to the ground. Spencer then realizes what has happened and confronts Woo, who then randomly sprints away. Wouldn’t it have been more prudent to keep it quiet or even work with Spencer… maybe cut a secret deal or something? I’m a big fan of The Departed strategy, where you can have two people on two different alliances working together. Why can’t that strategy work?

Commercial break…random-unneeded-Facebook-rant: Does it make me a bad person that I get annoyed when people post birthday messages for their under-5 kids on Facebook? I mean, the kids aren’t old enough to see the message on Facebook, and so they’re writing on Facebook to their children with some cliché message that includes a combination of “I never knew I had this much love. You teach me more than I will ever teach you. Your sense of humanity dazzles us all.” …which their children won’t see or understand, so why are they writing it on Facebook? Is it for their friends and family, so they know that they love their kids? Isn’t that a given? I really want to know. Maybe a mom who reads this can explain it to me. Is it a competition with their other friends who have kids to see who can write the most emotional message on Facebook and the winner gets a “Facebook Mom of the Year” award presented by Mark Zuckerberg and the Winklevoss twins? Here, my special three year old…here’s a message on a website which you won’t understand because you’re three years old. We get it…your kid is special.

8:30 p.m.

We come back from commercial. Woo inexplicably has his hands up in victory like he just won the 500-meter medley. Then we get a confessional from Woo who is talking about finding the clue like he just discovered the cure for polio.

Woo then shares the clue with L.J. with everybody looking on with a great big “F U” face to Woo. “Why is L.J. so special?” is what I would be saying if I were playing.

Tony then gets his eyes on the clue and darts off in a full sprint with his weird dog catcher contraption. How great would it be if he used that on Spencer? He goes running off, and the next time we see him, he has that noose thing around Spencer’s neck with everybody looking on horrified. Please, go do that, Tony!

We next get a free-for-all shot of everyone trying to find the idol. Spencer asks if everybody is looking for the idol at this point. No, Spencer, everybody is looking for a contact L.J. dropped.

Somehow Spencer finds the idol with Kass right next to him. So Spencer gets the clue in his napkin, then with everybody searching for the idol, he ends up finding it??? Something is fishy here, right? It just seems a little fixed for Spencer this episode.

We get to the immunity challenge, which this week is a balance-a-block-thingy on your head. Kass is done within twenty seconds. Jeff looks crushed.

Woo has a heroin face going on as he’s trying to stay focused.

Jeff is talking like this guy for some reason today:

Is Jeff back on Walter White’s blue persuasion again? We can’t go through a “Jeff’s off the wagon” saga again. It was hard enough going through Dylan McKay’s drinking on 90210.

Spencer looks like he is pissing out a kidney stone while a fly goes into his sock.

And it’s over; Spencer wins Immunity! Wow, this episode is all about Spencer. He gets the clue, he finds the idol somehow in a sea of people who are also looking for it, and now he wins the immunity challenge. This must be better than that one time he got to second base with a chick.

Commercial: Anyone want to split some Eliquis with me and get some unusual bruising and bleeding that won’t stop? Come on…you only live once.

We come back as Spencer is getting the You-won-the-competition-and-we’re-all-pretending –to-be-happy-for-you-hugs from people, and begrudgingly earns the respect of Tony. Tony then calls a team meeting.

During the meeting, Tony points out that Morgan needs to go because an idol won’t be played for her, and he points out to everybody that she’s lying down again. She does look like Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s. I’m getting nervous that my girl is in trouble.

Kass is wearing an oversized shirt that I know I’ve seen a certain Survivor host wear before..hmmmmm… and is she wearing a raptor claw on her necklace? Anyways, Spencer and Kass have a talk that goes nowhere, capped off with Spencer asking Kass if she will REALLY think about flipping or if she’s just humoring him. I mean, is there any answer she could give that you would believe, Spencer?

8:45 p.m.

It’s looking as if it’s either going to be Morgan or Tony going tonight. I need to get into Kevin Costner mode and find a way to save my baby. www.youtube.com/watch?v=tx8u3J7TlWg

Tribal Council: Tony fields the first question tonight, but gets cut off by Kass. Let him speak, Kass. Don’t be robbing us of a great Tony-ism.

Spencer takes accountability for snapping at Kass the other night. It’s not like he lost his temper and struck her or anything. I mean, he was fairly calm. It wasn’t Sleeping with the Enemy abuse or anything. You have protection tonight, Spencer. Don’t be acting weak.

Morgan talks eloquently about her struggles in life; being pretty isn’t easy, but for some rude reason everybody is laughing and looking at her all judgy.

Kass gets questioned by Jeff, but you can tell his heart isn’t into fully grilling her. Kass is keeping a poker face for now on which way she will side tonight.

We get to the vote. Tony is laughing to himself…What do you think is in his head right now that is making him laugh? It’s probably something disturbing.

The votes are being read; it’s all Tony so far….No! NO!!!!!!!!! …Morgan and Tony are tied right now….I can’t take this. I feel like I’m watching this happen:

http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBpTREukiAA

And just like that, Morgan is gone…I guess she wasn’t long for this world…I say we all wear a black patch tomorrow in her honor…Our sad 90’s song for the dearly departed this week is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmdIU4QOpEk

Only the good die young…

So in all seriousness, this wasn’t the biggest move in Survivor history or anything. I think those two idols that were played last week are really going to loom larger in the grand destiny of this game than Tony or L.J., two really strong players who had that insurance policy in their back pockets. The power has now shifted to Spencer. The problem for Spencer is that currently the numbers are clearly with team Tony. The question is whether Tony can keep his inner dark, homicidal thoughts at bay at least until his side can wipe out the other side. Would Spencer consider letting someone else use his idol to try to get the numbers back on his side? At this point, I would say no; I can’t see him doing that. It seems like Spencer is the one that the show wants us to root for. Maybe I’m not seeing this right, but that’s just my perspective. With that said, it would seem that Spencer is destined for a deep run in this game. I’ve been wrong all season, so if you’re a Spencer fan, then you might as well just kiss him goodbye now that I have said that.

Scott Gallagher:
Portland State University, certified counselor at a youth treatment center. Writing Doogie Howser-esque daily diary blogs on Facebook for friends and family for the past 5 years. Hobbies include boxing, running and watching a horrifying amount of reality TV.