Our mission is to promote healthy relationships in future generations by raising awareness about bullying in youth dating using complementary education.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Breaking
Free of Disruptive Patterns: Dancing to a Different Tune

High school
senior Rachel had fancied Tim, the boy of her dreams and captain of the running
team, for months before he finally asked her out. That serendipitous first date
led to many more and it wasn’t long before they were officially an item. The
first weeks were a blur; they delighted in discovering each other and spent
hardly any time apart but about six months into the relationship, something
changed. Tim missed his friends, and he started spending more and more time on
weekends playing football or training for triathlons with them. Rachel would
call and ask him to come over but he would say he had already made plans. The
situation was particularly frustrating for Rachel, since she was training for
an important track meet at the time and Tim’s expertise at running would have
enabled her to make great progress. They had the same fight many times:Rachel would demandmore of Tim and
he would grow more distant, finding excuses to spend more time with his
friends. He assured her that he loved her and she didn’t doubt about his
faithfulness or commitment to her, but how could she break out of the
never-ending cycle she found herself in lately?

You
Can Stop the MusicBooks
giving advice on relationships abound at every bookshop but if you have to
select just one that will enable you to understand how important it is to break
free of destructive patterns, a highly recommendable read is The Dance of Anger
by New York Times best-selling author and psychotherapist, Dr. Harriet Lerner.
The book sheds light on the “circular dances” that define our relationships
with our partners, friends and members of the family.To
summarize, Dr. Lerner states that every person has their own favored way of dealing
with a difficult situation: some distance themselves from the cause of anxiety,
others engage in blame, still others seek greater closeness with their loved
ones. Some become Mr. or Ms. Fix-It, growing ultra-responsible and putting out
all the fires, while others begin to under-function, growing more absent-minded
and irresponsible. Still others create triangles which cause tension between
friends or family members. The more tense the situation, the more likely it is
that we will employ the techniques our family patterns have taught us. Says Dr.
Lerner in another of her best-selling books, Dance with Intimacy: “The more
intensely we do our thing, the more intensely the other person in the
relationship does theirs. And the more we get focused on the other person’s
behavior rather than our own, the more stuck we become.”In the
example above, Rachel’s tactic when problems arose was to demand more of her
partner; Tim’s was to seek distance; the more she pushed, the more he felt like
running; it was an endless dance that left both frustrated and made both forget
about the many things they loved about each other. If you are in a similar rut
with your boyfriend and you feel the relationship is growing too tense to be
considered healthy, break the pattern. Engage in a new exchange, one that
allows you to “stay emotionally connected to that other party who thinks, feels
and believes differently, without needing to change, convince or fix” him.To turn to
our example once again, Rachel might decide that her own relationship with her
friends needs work; she might realize that in her fervor for her new
relationship, she has been neglecting people who matter a great deal to her.
Says Dr. Lerner: “When we are too focused on what someone else is ‘doing
wrong’, chances are we are ignoring our own important issues that need to be
addressed.” Rachel may have been over-reactive to how Tim was conducting his
friendships because she wasn’t paying due attention to her own.

The
CountermoveBreaking a
deeply rooted pattern is always difficult and it will always encounter
resistance; people grow accustomed to the same dynamic and fear change, even
when it leads to a positive outcome in the long run. For instance, in the case
of Rachel and Tim, if she decided to spend more of her free time going out with
friends, he could employ an interesting ‘countermove’ to keep the old pattern
of their relationship in place; he could question her need for independence,
and perhaps even grow clingy himself. Rachel and Tim could fall back into a ‘second
honeymoon’ period where they only spent time with each other… before Tim began
seeking out his friends again. Breaking established patterns takes honesty and
courage, but it also takes patience; occasionally slipping back into old
routines does not constitute failure.

The
Keys to a Healthy RelationshipIn the
United States, the divorce rate flutters at between 40 and 50 per cent,
with an even worse prognosis for second marriages. Dr. Lerner says, “When
people divorce, they blame themselves or their spouse, but if any other
institution had a 50 per cent failure rate, we would have to look at the
problems in the roles and rules of the institutions themselves. The broader
culture does not really support families and there are problematic gender roles
(man the breadwinner, woman the primary nurturing figure). These statistics are
highly relevant even to young people in high school and college, since we often
meet our future spouses when we are still students. From the time we
first embark on relationships that may or may not last a
lifetime, we can make use of Dr. Lerner’s valuable list of qualities which are
normally present in healthy and fulfilling
relationships. She cites the following key elements:

A good sense of humor

The ability to apologize when
appropriate and be genuinely accountable for one’s immature or unkind
behavior

The ability to focus on the self and
ask, ‘What can I do to make it better?’ rather than focus on what the
other person is doing or not doing for you

The ability to respect differences
while maintaining a defined ‘bottom line’ regarding what is not acceptable
in a relationship

Respect for the other person

Being committed to solving any
problems with our partner rather than seeking intimacy from third parties

The ability to honor promises (for
instance, honoring a promise to do more housework or to call your
partner/spouse when you get home from an out-of-town race, no matter how
late it is)

The ability to really listen to your
partner/spouse with an open heart and to express your own thoughts about
important matters

The ability to be influenced by your
partner/spouse’s pain and to make the necessary changes if the request to
make them is fair

To warm your partner/spouse’s heart
and make them feel chosen, valued and respected. Couples are usually good
at this in the beginning stages of a relationship but with time, they
neglect its importance

To this we
would add four of developmental psychologist, Erik Erickson’s ‘Signs of a
Healthy Relationship’:

Power is distributed equally and
conflict handled transparently through negotiation, without force or
threat

There is deep democracy in the
relationship

Each can fully express strong emotions
and their deepest fears without abuse or causing harm

There is forgiveness and redemption

When
to Let GoWhen you
love someone, it is normal to pull out all the stops to make your relationship
work but if your partner or spouse has betrayed or hurt you beyond healthy
limits, or you have made every effort possible to process a difficult situation
and you’re getting nowhere, letting the person go and moving on might be the
best course to take. As Dr. Lerner says, “You’ve got to learn to leave the
table when love’s no longer being served.”

Want to learn more about Teen Dating Violence? Check out these links

Arrowhead Kiwanis Club

Consistently supporting Kaity's Way since 2010

Kaity's Kreation

She planted a single seed which netted so much more!

Show support for Kaity's Way by using Goodshop for all your online purchases. While you help raise money, you can save money at the same time on items for your home, car, closet, or pantry with more than 100,000 online deals, like Old Navy promos, Gap coupons , and Target savings. Feel good knowing that you are doing more with your online shopping!