An Inconvenient Truth

Lessons from the Gores' divorce.

The sorry saga of Tipper and Al Gore’s separation continues to fill the airwaves. After the initial shock came the speculation: Why? The scandal – with The Star reporting details of an alleged affair. And the contagion, with their daughter announcing a split from her husband of 13 years.

But more than all these issues (which are real and relevant and each deserve their own column) are two prevailing emotions: sadness and fear.

The sadness reflects a loss of hope. Despite the rising divorce rates, we remain optimistic. Young girls still dream of marriage (even high-powered career women still dream of marriage) and couples still get married in record numbers -- just ask anyone who has tried to book a hall in June! We like stories of love and happily ever afters. We believed in the Gores, we believed in the power of their 40 years together and we feel hurt by their split.

This leads us to the deeper consequence -- the anxiety and fear. “If it could happen to them…” It’s a threat to our stability and world view. Certain couples made us believe it was possible to have long, loving relationships. The dissolution of their marriages threatens our whole belief system, throws us off, challenges our expectations.

We begin to second guess -- first them, then ourselves. We start to analyze and overanalyze. Was it too many years? Did they lead separate lives? Did they take each other for granted? Even the absurd -- did they never recover from the 2000 election loss?

We are desperate to get to the bottom of it – to learn what went wrong, not to titillate but so we can avoid the same mistakes.

But perhaps it’s not necessary. After all, who can really understand the ins and outs of anyone else’s relationship? And who can judge?

Yes, there are times when divorce is necessary. It’s the “after 40 years” that stuns us. I have no idea what happened inside the Gore home but I can comment on some of the common reactions to their break-up.

Perhaps the most frequent response has been to suggest that marriage was never meant to last this long, people are not created to be monogamous for that many years, our longer life spans permit us to lead two separate lives, one after the other…

This is a convenient excuse for the lack of one thing -- a true understanding of the meaning of commitment. And it can’t be blamed on longer life spans. Our world is full of people who lived to a ripe old age and stayed married for a wonderful 60 years, and sometimes even longer. Our forefather Abraham and his wife Sarah had their first child when she was 90 and he was 100 – their marriage survived hardships and challenges that we can’t even imagine. There is no suggestion of boredom or the need for novelty – that is the part that is new. Sarah never says “What about my needs?” That is the part that is new. Their friends don’t encourage Abraham to dump Sarah for a younger model. That is the part that is new.

Not only did Abraham and Sarah understand the meaning of commitment, they also knew what gratitude was. They would be shocked by the all-too-common phenomenon of the woman who puts her husband through medical school or raises the children while he’s jumpstarting his career and is then cast aside for a trophy wife. They didn’t focus on variety or witty repartee or drifting apart. They just dug in their heels, faced their challenges, and made it work. They were willing to put in the effort – constantly, always – for as many years as they had.

We’re disappointed by the news about the Gores. And we’re frightened. But are we willing to deepen our own understanding of commitment and to really do the hard work for the long run? Perhaps their unwillingness to do that, perhaps the unwillingness of many of us to do that, is the most inconvenient truth of all.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 17

(17)
jgarbuz,
June 25, 2010 3:43 PM

All marraiges are doomed to fail....

unless there is a strong commitment to stick to it regardless, just out of principle. In Jewish law, marriage is a contract. But the contract can be dissolved under certain circumstances. We do allow divorce.
But the reality is, that people get older and change, mentally and physically, and that is why it is so important that BEFORE there is a marriage that they really learn all they can about each other. Often, the use of an impartial and mature "shidduch" can actually lead to a longer lasting marriage.

(16)
Rachel,
June 25, 2010 1:56 AM

MYOB

The Gores' marriage is the Gores' business -- and no one else's. If you want to write about marriage, please do -- but leave these people alone!

(15)
Anonymous,
June 24, 2010 6:33 PM

Disappointed

Wow. I did not understand this article at all. You wrote, "Who can really understand the ins and outs of anyone else’s relationship? And who can judge?" and yet, throughout, judgment and assumptions about the Gores' marriage abound. As someone commented already, there are many reasons for divorce. And whether it happens a year after the wedding, or in this case, 40 years after, means nothing. Of course it's all over the tabloids and the news and everyone is eager to jump in and have their say, but really: Aish, too? I thought when I saw the head-line that it would be a more generalized commentary, perhaps focusing more on role models and how to learn from their example, not a commentary on how selfish Al and Tipper Gore are. This did not teach me anything, least of all compassion.
I'm just very surprised - I never feel compelled to comment on articles here before. It read like a complete judgment call, with very little actual insight, and a lot of slander. "Perhaps their unwillingness to do that... is the most inconvenient truth of all." How do you know what went on in their actual marriage? Why make such a stretch just to teach a lesson, if in the process you're spreading more judgment when there's already enough out there? It just seems so antithetical to the message you're trying to spread.

(14)
Anonymous,
June 23, 2010 2:16 AM

Marriage consists of two people

Sometimes, no matter how committed one spouse is, the marriage just does not work.A marriage is to consists of two separate individuals who both must work at the relationship. The relationship must evolve over time with committment from both spouses. If one spouse gives everything and more to make it work and the other does nothing...not committed. This is not a marriage that Hashem created. It is difficult to have a marriage when only one person is committed and the other is not committed even after many years. That's the reason for divorce as painful as it is. My heart goes out to anyone divorced or staying in a marriage in which only one person is committed.

(13)
Rachel,
June 23, 2010 1:39 AM

Gore Marriage - Yawn!

I'm not disappointed or frightened by their impending divorce. Tipper is fortunate to be getting rid of him. I wish her well. And sorry, but I don't think Avraham Avinu & Sara have anything to do with the Gores.

(12)
tamar,
June 22, 2010 8:48 PM

Our community condones adultery!!

I think that if we as individuals and as a society continue to condone adultery, pornography and other addictions we will see these spread even more in society. If we don't condemn those who treat their spouses and children without regard and respect -- then I guess that we should be prepared for our daughter's husbands to follow that path. I look around and I see highly regarded members of our Jewish community who have abandoned their families and even had adulterous relationships with other men's wives. Yet we continue to welcome these men as leaders in our community. Role models to our sons. What a can of worms we are opeing for the future.

(11)
Anonymous,
June 22, 2010 6:33 PM

Right on the mark: committment

There is really nothing to add. The example given us by Avraham Avinu and Sarah Imeinu was right on the mark. Today people want the quick fix, the easy way; they don't have the strength or character to withstand the hard times. That's when the committment is most important. Keep writing, Emuna Braverman! Reach as many as you can with this message. It applies to our personal lives as well as to our love and support of HaAretz. Ya'asher ko'ach!

(10)
Anonymous,
June 22, 2010 6:32 PM

why dont you bring good righteous people's marriage as an example?

my in laws both passed away after being married for almost 70 years,no,millions done,no presidential aspirations,no,tennessee 's largest electrical bill consumer,no,nobel prise lauriate,just a studious hard working man,who went thru life turbulences,lost a son right before his wedding ,a talmudic scholar,who adhered to his torah learning,no,woman on the side,no justification for it,only,following ahaaron hakohen standard,vayidom aharon,justified the almighty'.
no tgore's came now into the holywood standard of living,his own crumbled long before the media saw it,the fact he kissed his wife so heatedly,meant nothing,my inlaws never kissed in public that's why it lasted,they had respect and hornor towards each other and only the almighty was witnessing it,the gores needed to prove the world what?that their marriage was worth the paper it was written on.and their daughter's?for your information,all intermariage ends in divorce.

(9)
Gary,
June 22, 2010 3:23 PM

Please

oy vey

(8)
David R.,
June 22, 2010 3:01 PM

Worth It

"But marriage shouldn't be something you have to WORK at!" I can just hear that response now. People think that it's just going to be the "honeymoon" phase for years and years, and that when it stops being that, it should just end, amicably if possible. And some people never marry because they are at least smart enough to know that the "honeymoon" period DOES end, and they don't want to try to bring new life, new committment, new facets to the relationship, to truly explore what the other needs, or even effectively communicate what THEY want ("They should know that by now!"). Little do they know that what they get for that "wisdom" is a life full of temporary partners without any true fulfillment. The truly wise know that anything that has worth in life must be strived for. At least the work involved in marriage isn't like digging ditches. It could be as simple as washing a dish once in a while, hanging up that shirt instead of just tossing it on the floor, knocking out the "honeydo" list on a Saturday, bringing home flowers every now and then, sitting and just holding hands or cuddling, not looking for the "big event" just because you are in the mood when she isn't, getting into the hobby or interest of the other even though it isn't your personal favorite, actively listening, being observant, being "there" for the other, and not just occupying the same residence. (That's why marrieds live together in our society, instead of keeping separate apartments, y'know?!) Perhaps there were too many separate activities in the Gore household. Can't say and doesn't matter. It's a tragedy, at any rate, and one that can be avoided, with enough simple, consistent everyday work and effort. And it's worth it, or else the Creator wouldn't have designed it that way.

(7)
veganesther,
June 22, 2010 2:30 PM

keeping a marriage alive

I feel it is my duty, my calling as a jewish wife to committ and re-committ to my husband every day. I am devoted to him in the fervent belief that Hashem is devoted to the jewish people. Just like we are in a committed relationship with Hashem ,my husband and I are model our love for eachother on the love Hashem felt for us when we were a young people. now a days when the shekhina is nearly impossible to see, a jewish marriage based on love and devotion to eachother adds a layer of material to the shekhina to draw it ever nearer again.

(6)
Emily Armstrong,
June 22, 2010 2:22 PM

A strong ego

Mrs. Gore had been suffering for many years with emotional problems. Perhaps these were exacerbated by the very strong ego of her husband. He is not to be faulted for that nor is she, but that can sometimes put a great strain on a relationship and neither party wishes to admit to it. Perhaps it was good sense to admit to things now and both of them try to be happy instead of just one person

(5)
lisa,
June 21, 2010 9:01 AM

Times Up

Its no coincidence that your article is also in the same week as "Lori...almost live." She speaks of Mazel...an important ingrediant for a good strong marriage. We can strive to be like Avraham & Sara..but we cannot be them.. ..they lived in a different world with different circumstances and a different set of "tests." How many of us would really go & sacrafice our first born (even tho we'd like to at times.) We do the best that we can do......and yes marriage is alot of work. I give the Gores credit that they can, after 40 years, say we tried....time to move on. Maybe they should have done this twenty years ago but tried & tried....gave it their all...and now it's time. There is no magic number that if you make it to say, 25 years of marriage, that your in it for life. Marriage is like Torah & religion..if we don't study & practice it , you either go up or down. Never do we stay at one constant level. Hopefully we can all learn from this & set aside time to work on our marriges.

(4)
Anonymous,
June 20, 2010 6:06 PM

there are reasons for divorce

There are as many reasons to stop being together as there are divorces. It is a sad and devastating thing. I think we should focus on how to commit to self-improvement and finding ways to be happy in the marriage you have, rather than worrying about why someone split up. It isn't always that people stopped trying. There are cases where giving everything you have still isn't enough, when even your Rabbi says, "you need a divorce." It's heartbreaking, but it has always been so. Less judgement and more direction, please.

(3)
Eric D.,
June 20, 2010 6:05 PM

Lashon Hara?

"Why? The scandal – with The Star reporting details of an alleged affair."
This seems to me to be Lashon Hara - spreading rumors disseminated by the tabloid press when we have no idea what happened in their marriage. I suggest removing that sentence from the article, it doesn't add anything.

(2)
Anonymous,
June 20, 2010 8:54 AM

sticking together

One should keep in mind that the Gore's are not Jewish. The western world has been subject to moral degeneration with the help of hollywood, rock music,fashion etc.One has to try very hard to stick to true values which keep us moral and commited. These values come from the Torah and it is known that there are fewer divorces amongst observant Jews than the general public because they try and keep out bad influenes to their morality.

(1)
Sharon,
June 20, 2010 8:48 AM

marriage never becomes easy

What I understand when a long marriage ends, is that someone or two stopped doing the work required to make a marriage work. The bond over years should deepen, but it never gets "easy". Marriage requires work and when you stop, it falls apart. Often it's well worth the effort, but when someone decides it's not - it unravels. He/she may decide later that it was a mistake, but too late.

Since honey is produced by bees, and bees are not a kosher species, how can honey be kosher?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Talmud (Bechoros 7b) asks your very question! The Talmud bases this question on the principle that “whatever comes from a non-kosher species is non-kosher, and that which comes from something kosher is kosher.”

So why is bee-honey kosher? Because even though bees bring the nectar into their bodies, the resultant honey is not a 'product' of their bodies. It is stored and broken down in their bodies, but not produced there. (see Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 81:8)

By the way, the Torah (in several places such as Exodus 13:5) praises the Land of Israel as "flowing with milk and honey." But it may surprise you to know that the honey mentioned in the verse is actually referring to date and fig honey (see Rashi there)!

In 1809, a group of 70 disciples of the great Lithuanian sage the Vilna Gaon, arrived in Israel, after traveling via Turkey by horse and wagon. The Vilna Gaon set out for the Holy Land in 1783, but for unknown reasons did not attain his goal. However he inspired his disciples to make the move, and they became pioneers of modern settlement in Israel. (A large contingent of chassidic Jews arrived in Tzfat around the same time.) The leader of the 1809 group, Rabbi Israel of Shklov, settled in Tzfat, and six years later moved to Jerusalem where he founded the modern Ashkenazic community. The early years were fraught with Arab attacks, earthquakes, and a cholera epidemic. Rabbi Israel authored, Pe'at Hashulchan, a digest of the Jewish agricultural laws relating to the Land of Israel. (He had to rewrite the book after the first manuscript was destroyed in a fire.) The location of his grave remained unknown until it was discovered in Tiberias, 125 years after his death. Today, the descendants of that original group are amongst the most prominent families in Jerusalem.

When you experience joy, you feel good because your magnificent brain produces hormones called endorphins. These self-produced chemicals give you happy and joyful feelings.

Research on these biochemicals has proven that the brain-produced hormones enter your blood stream even if you just act joyful, not only when you really are happy. Although the joyful experience is totally imaginary and you know that it didn’t actually happen, when you speak and act as if that imaginary experience did happen, you get a dose of endorphins.

These chemicals are naturally produced by your brain. They are totally free and entirely healthy.

Many people find that this knowledge inspires them to create more joyful moments. It’s not just an abstract idea, but a physical reality.

Occasionally, when I walk into an office, the receptionist greets me rudely. Granted, I came to see someone else, and a receptionist's disposition is immaterial to me. Yet, an unpleasant reception may cast a pall.

A smile costs nothing. Greeting someone with a smile even when one does not feel like smiling is not duplicity. It is simply providing a pleasant atmosphere, such as we might do with flowers or attractive pictures.

As a rule, "How are you?" is not a question to which we expect an answer. However, when someone with whom I have some kind of relationship poses this question, I may respond, "Not all that great. Would you like to listen?" We may then spend a few minutes, in which I unburden myself and invariably begin to feel better. This favor is usually reciprocated, and we are both thus beneficiaries of free psychotherapy.

This, too, complies with the Talmudic requirement to greet a person in a pleasant manner. An exchange of feelings that can alleviate someone's emotional stress is even more pleasant than an exchange of smiles.

It takes so little effort to be a real mentsch.

Today I shall...

try to greet everyone in a pleasant manner, and where appropriate offer a listening ear.

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