Some call it limbo..

Lately, I have found myself in this weird sort of limbo. I’m not exceedingly happy and I am not sad or angry, mostly just confused and a little out of sorts. There have been a lot of changes going on in my life in the recent weeks along with life feeling busier than ever. We are coming to the end of a lot of different seasons all at once in our household and I am ready for the fog to clear, but mostly a little excited to see what is on the other side.

My son graduates from Kindergarten on Thursday. I’m not sure what more there is to say about that. He’s now experienced a full year in school away from home and outside of the world that I built for him and into the world that I know I cannot save him from. I realize he is only going into the first grade, but it is still a huge milestone. Not to mention how much he grew in one year, mentally and physically, it’s almost mind blowing. I am hoping to really soak up the days I have with him this summer, outside of me going to work of course and strengthen the bond we have because he is such a momma’s boy and he’s really my best friend.

In addition to Kindergarten graduation, baseball season ends on Thursday too. We wait for it all year and then it finally comes and it sucks the life out of you for a couple of months until you cannot wait for it to be over, and then you are sad because you cannot wait for it to start again. He was so much fun to watch this year, again, amazing to see how much he’s changed between last year and now and how he’s not afraid of the ball anymore and is actually a pretty great batter. It gets me all in my feels when I think about it.

Then there is my youngest son. My sweet baby Kory, that is not a baby anymore. Just a couple more weeks of us being cautious with night time undies and then he is potty trained for good. Completely independent of any need for me anymore, not that he needs me for that now anyhow, but whatever denial I am living in now will no long exist and the last thing that made him a baby will disappear with it. It is heartbreaking, to say the least, but so incredibly overwhelming to watch the little man he is turning into and him finally starting to grow out of this terrible stage that he’s been in for the past two years. He took terrible two’s and terrifying three’s to a whole new level. But he wouldn’t be who he is if he had not. I love every part of who he is and cannot wait to see what that means later on down the road.

Amongst the swirl of feelings surrounding my children, I have been working on myself a lot lately. Both physically and emotionally and as always, spiritually. I was driving to work this morning and realized that I haven’t taken any anxiety medication (both prescribed and natural) in over a month. I have probably only used oils to combat what felt like the onset of something a handful of times and without realizing it, have been walking around completely anxiety free. I should be jumping up and down and be doing cartwheels and screaming from the top of a mountain, but I am mostly shocked by this realization. I have had to deal with it for so long it doesn’t seem real that it is gone, but I am thankful. I have a few more tests in my near future to see how ‘real’ it is ( but I’ll share that with you anther time).

I’ve also adamantly been losing weight. Most people gawk when I tell them this and then drop their jaw when I tell them how much I’ve weighed for the last year, because I somehow carry it well, but let’s just say that I am obese according to medical charts and not the healthy weight for my height. I have lost 10lbs so far and more inches than that, I feel pretty good about myself and the effort that I have put forth, but I know I have a long way to go. The real test will come in July when I am back in Jamaica and climbing that mountain at the end of the week…

I’m not sure what the immediate future holds or how I will feel in the next few weeks to come, but I am truly excited to see what God has in store for me and my little family. I have never liked change very much, but the older I get it grows on me and I sort of look forward to it. Until next time…

I am in tears of this write. I pray someday which I know will come my anxiety that plagues me will melt away. It is as if my nervous system is shot. Lower tolerance to certain noises. Choas is a doom. Consistency of the utmost importance. You are beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing. I have come so very far. My Epilepsy has found me house bound. No medication in its control. My once working/biking, and very extrovert self is house bound. Seizures quite often. The dose causing all sorts of icky side effects. Trusting God’s will but in a funk nonetheless. Begging of healing. Thank you for being so open. Thank you!

You are welcome girl. I hate to hear that you are going through that. It is one of the worst feelings in the world, to not be in control of your body. I’ve been talking about some of my ailments lately with friends and have come to the same conclusion every time. Getting off the medicines and finding a natural way to cope with it was the best decision I have ever made. I think it made it worse being on them. If you go to my “shop” page you can see some of the stuff that I have taken and how to find it. I swear by it now and am so thankful that I stumbled across these natural remedies. I will be praying that God helps you find the right steps towards freedom. I know all to well how suffocating it can be. He is going to take care of you, don’t forget that.

The one thing I can’t not take is my Epilepsy medicine. I fall and hit my head day in and day out. Have talked to many Epileptics. Have to stay on them. We all up here in this area are more for natural. I am severly allergic to many meds. So taking anything is stuggle in and of it self. It is a here I go God I am yours. Swallow the pillow and pray for the best. Side effects are horrid. I take mostly natural everything else. Have even had allergic reactions to some natural. I am like 2%percent that is hyper mediation sensitive. Ugh. I will survive this as I have everthing else. I will check your page out for sure. Thanks.

One of my best friends growing up was epileptic and the only thing that ever helped her 100% and kept her of meds was marijuana. I don’t know if you have looked into the oil strains of it for medicinal use, but I would keep searching for natural remedies. But more than anything, have faith in God that He will hill you. I was on six different medications two to three times a day for anxiety, blood pressure, and a damaged nerve in my back and God took it all away. If it were up to my doctors, I would still be on those meds, but I don’t need them anymore and my body is so much more healthier because of it. You will survive. You are strong!

The only thing I would use is the oil CBD which is listed on the Epilepsy Foundation website. It free of the THC. It only works in conjunction with the meds. I am one that feels marijuana since being in recovering would be kind of dumb. I know it is natural but it does alter your mind. I truly believe anything mind altering gives way for Satan. It is just a strong belief I have. I can’t say whom but someone I know used it thinking it may help with severe anxiety. It altered this person’s whole life for weeks. It was kind of an outter body experience that was not good if you will. Thought medical/mental help was going to be needed. They say they will never touch it again. I dabbled in it in HS quite a bit. I as an addict I have a tenancy to over due everything. It is never just one time for me. It starts harmless until I am on my knees asking God back control of my life. I truly believe with all my heart God can heal with a miarcle hands. I have seen it in my life before. Or maybe I am now like Job. I will not find reprieve, just sing praises a long in my suffering. I don’t know. Something has got to give, but God has not said so yet. Thanks for your encouraging words. 🙏☝💜

Don’t worry, God is miraculous. He has got your back. He is the only one you can truly depend on, I believe he will lay his hands on you and you. He will also meet with you at every point of your needs. Don’t give up, trust solely on God.

Yay you, Kristen, for your increasing freedom from anxiety! My heart breaks for those, like Lisa, who are suffering with it. I desperately wish/pray I could bring immediately healing to those with mental/emotional challenges–to operate regularly in the spiritual gift of instantaneous healing. Even as I typed that last sentence, though, I realized that sometimes a slower, more gradual healing is better than a drastic instant one…which fits perfectly with your topic of seasons of change. Yeah, sometimes the transitions leave you feeling queasy as we search for that new “normal.” And definitely enjoy and remember well all these wonderful moments with your children! As for the less pleasant changes, keep trusting that God knows exactly what speed is best. And because of His great & perfect love for you, He will always want only what is ultimately best for you. Blessings!

Thanks, Raylene!! It is a great feeling! Mine does too, even though I haven’t had to deal with it in the last month, I feel like it is just hiding away waiting to resurface at the most inconvenient moment. I used to want instant healing, and in some situations do want to see it happen and have been thankful when I have. But I’ve learned to stand firm in God’s knowledge of what is going on and my lack thereof. There have been times when a sickness kept me from something that could have hurt me and I am thankful for that. I am trying girl! Time goes by so fast and I try to soak up all that I can. Totally agree with you there! Thank you so much!

Some get this feeling when their life is moving in a direction they are content with, and when this happens there is a rift of accomplishment, but at the same time a lack of it. This can be relaxing or drive you crazy, sort of like Limbo. 👌🏻