Author
Topic: Forgive my sin / mistake, Baba (Read 1216 times)

I want to confess to my Baba of something that I did not know was wrong or sinful. I joined an institution four years back for a two year fellowship. I had to work on a research project during my stay at that place. I had gone there with a project that I had already worked on for many years (around eight years). I thought that in my two years of fellowship I would polish my script and then get that published outside the institute. At the time of my admission, the officer who was in-charge of the publications at the institute told me that I could indeed publish with a publisher outside the institute. While working on my project there I was given a monthly stipend and a furnished accommodation by the institute. I availed of their library facilities and other resources. The institute treated its fellows very well. So I thought of giving them my script as a token of my gratitude at the end of my tenure. They would either keep that script/research report as such or get it published under their banner. In the second year I discovered that the institute did not care to publish a lot of reports that were submitted to them by others. I saw those files gathering dust in one of the cupboards by chance once. A few senior fellows told me that it would be better not to give the report to the institute, and get it published elsewhere. I was without a job at that time, and publishing the research with a reputed press was absolutely necessary for me. The institute had affiliation with some reputed publishers. But, my script had to go through the institute to the publisher. I was doubtful that the staff would do justice to my script, and would let it gather dust on its shelves for years. I was under pressure of time, as finding a job was absolutely crucial for my survival. When I approached the publishing house with my script, they asked me to get a no-objection certificate (NOC) from the institute where I was a fellow. Only then would they publish it. I requested the institute to give me an NOC on exceptional grounds, as my case was really justified. They refused to do so. Then I gave it in writing that I would pay back all the money that they had spent on me to get the NOC. I had saved some amount and wanted to borrow from my family to pay them back for their stipend and facilities. They declined that request also. One sympathetic administrative officer at the institute gave me an advice when I was desperate. He suggested that I leave the institute without giving them the script. I left the institute without anyone's knowledge. At that time I felt that I had to save the work of many years, and the script was like my child that I had to protect from oblivion. I hated to leave like a thief, but the institute had left no option open for me. By funding me for two years, they were claiming my labor of around ten years. That seemed unfair to me. After my sudden disappearance the institute sent me many emails demanding the script. And I did not respond to their notices. In the meantime, I got a job without any publication (by Baba's grace). After that I tried many publishers to get the script published, but they all said a "No" for vague reasons. I have been trying various presses for the last two years, but they give one or the other reason for not publishing it. I revised and polished the script in light of the comments of one publisher who wanted to consider it after revision. Recently, I found that that editor who could help me has left her job at that press! I think that this is happening because of my karma. The fact that I did not give the script to the institute that funded me for two years may have gone against me in Baba's eyes. I really had no other option at that time. I'm not sure whether I am being punished for that act, or is it that the favorable time has yet not arrived? I do not understand how to seek Baba's forgiveness and help. I have been praying hard to Baba, but nothing is working for the script. I would give up, but it pains to see the labor of more than a decade go down the drain. Forgive me Sai Baba. I did what I did because you inspired me to do so at that time. Please show me the right way, Baba. Bless me and give your approval to the script.

I beg of you to forgive me if you think that my action was wrong. There is no way I can atone of my sin. I have suffered for over two years with rejections coming my way. It hurts to see my efforts go waste. I had the hope that Jen would help, as she had promised that; but you removed her from that job at the crucial moment. I'm left high and dry again . I want to give up this struggle, but something in my heart says not to do that. You put the seeds of hope of getting this published in my heart. Please let it come to pass. Today, I take the courage to send the proposal to the last publisher. Please show your mercy and get it passed. After this I will not have the strength or courage to send it anywhere. I'm exhausted, Sai. I think that I am not asking for the moon. You detest your devotees aspiring for the sky. But, what harm is there to reach the sky and stay rooted in the ground. Only if the success reaches the head and makes one proud, then the devotee will surly have a fall. I promise to you that I will stay down to earth, as humble as befits your disciple. Please Baba help me. Save the labor of many years. Get it published with a reputed press. As you know, publishing with B or C list publiehrs is equivalent to not publishing at all. Kindly see my point, Baba. It is absolutely essential for me to justify my existence in this business, for there are many detractors who bad-mouth me behind my back. Please give all of them a befitting reply by letting this publish with this last press. I seek your mercy and help. Please, please Baba, help your child. I have none but you. I love you Sai and seek your refuge.

Now that JC has responded to my submission, still there is the issue of him sending it to someone else. I don't know how this will go, Baba. I leave it to you, but hope that you will save me this time. You said once that when we undertake something, we should do it thoroughly or not do it at all. In a way, that seems to me your emphasis on perfection in work. How can you the Master of this universe settle for something less than perfect. The work of the Master is flawless, wise and certainly a masterpiece. That being so, Baba, I am sure you will not like to settle for anything less than that. By your grace, mountains can move. And, a way is formed where there is none. Not even a leaf moves without your will. So, Baba, you know the hard-work, sweat and tears that have gone into this work. So, show mercy and help me. You are wisdom incarnate, and you know how to get work done. Your ways are inconceivable, Baba. Forgive my mistakes and sins, and help me bring a worthy closure to this project of many years. I await your mercy and grace! I bow down humbly at your lotus feet, Sai. There is nothing that is impossible for you.

Dear Baba, one more no! Now, what do you want me to do, Baba? Give up and do nothing? Next year, my tenure comes up for appraisal. How am I going to account for these three years that I spent on this, with no other work to show? Such a disgrace, Baba. What to say now, words fail me. I am unable to understand all that has been happening for the last two years. My sin was not so much as to deserve this unending failure. You created the situation right from the time i saw those files in the cupboard till I left the institute. I had been to your temple soon before you showed me those languishing manuscripts in that closet. And that man who advised me not to give them the work, and all the nasty things that I heard about their lack of professionalism. How am I to be blamed, baba. When you do everything, then why do I suffer. Is it that you are asking me to renounce the ownership of the work? Keep aside the document and start another project? If only I did not have to show my work to the authorities, I would not care about this. For the first time in my life with you, do I have this strange experience. Have mercy and show compassion, Sai

Alright, Baba, I let this issue rest. You know the best and You have my best interest at heart. What appeals to my heart and mind may not be what appeals to you. What I consider worth having may not be what you consider giving me. I give up this desire to publish my book. There must be something in your plan for my life in which this does not fit. You are the best judge of things, the wisest in this universe. So, I trust your decision. I give up my anxiety of seeing this work to completion. I surrender to your decision and will. Protect and save my spirit, Baba.

Thank you for letting me see the problem with my approach. When doubts and uncertainties cloud my mind, how can you work in my favor. It is like sitting with negative thoughts under a wish-fulfilling tree. Everything has its divine timing, and mine has not arrived yet. There are many things that I strongly wished for in the past, but you did not fulfill those desires. I'm sure those would not be in my best interest. This thought of getting the book published had become an obsession till recently. You made me realize that the stronger my attachment to the fruits of my labor, the more difficult was to renounce it. You taught me that the mind and heart become pure when we do not desire the fruits of our actions. But, how hard this philosophy was to practice in real life I understand only now. Letting go of the expectations from my work was the hardest thing I did yesterday. It was like abandoning my child! As I saw that manuscript find a place in your temple, I experienced a relief from my sadness and anxiety. A heavy burden lifted off my mind, such was the beauty of surrender. Thank you Baba for giving me a practical experience of your teaching. I love you unconditionally. You may or may not publish my work, you remain the center of my life. My sole refuge!

You know all, I know nothing. You possess all, I possess nothing. You do all, I do nothing. You are the Master of this universe. I bow down at your lotus feet, dearest Sai.

Thank you for inspiring me to do that which I thought I could never do Such a nice experience I had today. I was unsure this morning, but you made me do it successfully. Thank you, Baba, for being with me always. Please accept my worship and remove my sins from many lifetimes. Purify my soul, Baba. I am committed to you. I'm surrendered to you, Sai. Please take care of my life. There is none for me other than you. Love you Baba with my heart, mind and soul. Thank you for all that you have done for me.

When all seems lost and life becomes dark, you light a spark of hope in our hearts. My hope was dying and I was sinking in a dark pit. With no real family and friends to pull me out, I prayed to you. You took mercy on me and began to bring me back on your path. Baba, thanks for your love and care. Please show light at the end of this long and unending tunnel. Stay with me and protect me from the corrupt souls around me.

I dropped the idea of pursuing this dream and let go of this issue sometime back. So, your message came as a message from Baba Himself I'm surprised how Baba communicates to us when we least expect it. Thank you very much for your messages of hope and encouragement. And, thanks to Baba for giving me the fellowship of wonderful devotees like you!