…kksssshhhhh…sssshhhhh…I know not very much time has passed since I made the last post but quite a bit has happened. I have to admit that I’ve really been overreacting to all this. What? Oh no, I’m not being held captive by Grasshoppers anymore. Actually we all sat down and ironed out a lot of our differences.

I’ve even been given a job in their growing Grasshopper corporation, known as OCP,, in the Security Concepts division. There have been some really positive changes in my life over the past two days. I’m really turning things around. My coworkers and I have all had a pretty good laugh at my panicky, desperate rants this past week

^Jim works with me at the Security Concepts division

So anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know everything’s fi…what? Inconsistent? I’m not being incon….OH! Right. God, I forgot all about the Gloria thing. Sorry. I’ve just been having such a great time at this wonderful company. Um, yeah, Gloria. Well it turns out that Gloria had sex with the leader of the grand Grasshopper Race (and later built a monument to a grasshopper’s sexual organs) and the grasshopper gave birth to the new God (the old one got shot through the neck, if you don’t remember) and it was Gloria and the grasshopper leader who, while lying in bed smoking a cigarette after hot sex, thought it would be funny to change up the old Moses’ Law thing and try something new. Gloria named it ‘Christianity’ after his favorite movie character, Fletcher Christian

Pretty soon it got kind of out of hand when Jesus was crucified and all that. They felt kind of bad about it, really. That’s why the Grasshoppers started this company

to kind of make up for Jesus’ death and the Crusades and Catholic pedophiles and all that by providing quality products at reasonable prices.

…kkssshhh…Well to make a long story short, I drove the bike a ways, there was a crazy chase scene involving those birdmen on motorcycles from “The Wiz”

Then I made it to the giant bamboo stalk only to realize it wasn’t a bamboo stalk at all. It was spiral staircase leading upwards towards the sky as far as the eye could see. And what did I see? Gloria, running up those stairs as fast as he could. I didn’t see the panda people at first. Then I noticed the smell. Then the altar. And the charred human flesh mixed with synthetic panda fur. And I put two and two together. Gloria sacrificed them at the altar to the Evil Ant Race. And God had already been assassinated (he was shot through the neck by an arrow). That could only mean one thing. He was on his way to finish the heir to the heavenly throne:

I had to stop him. Once God and Jesus were out of the way, the Evil Ants could finally take…over…BAH! I can’t lie anymore! It wasn’t the ants. The ants were framed. It was, and has always been, the GRASSHOPPERS!

The truth is I’m being held in the Grasshopper Headquarters and they’re monitoring what I say. I’m probably going to be cut off so whatever you do don’t…….ksssshhhhhhh……

…….kkssshhhh…..So as I was saying Gloria drove past and he had three people with him. I couldn’t see their faces but they were all wearing panda bear costumes.

I knew, toting those panda bears, where he must be headed. You see off on the horizon you could just make out a giant bamboo stalk (obviously crudely sculpted, but I’m guessing the pandas didn’t know that). The only problem was that I had no way of catching up to them. That is until I got a little help from someone you might know:

God! That’s right. God landed right next to me with a *thud*. I said “God? I didn’t expect you here.” And he, suprisingly enough, said to me: “Neither did I. I don’t know what you’ve heard, but the truth is-” ZZZZZIIIIIIIIIP! That’s all God got to say before an arrow came out of nowhere and pierced him right through the throat!

arrow ^

At this point I’m freaking out. Than I heard a low rumbling and ran over the dune to my left to find God’s motorcycle, still running.

I got on that thing and blasted off (it flew) toward the giant bamboo thing.And you won’t even believe what happened next….kksssshhhh…….

I still suck with this new pen. But. From the few pretty good lines I manage on the page I can see clearly that it looks better than what I’ve been doing. So…I don’t know. Basically I might have to eventually go back and redo the pages I’ve already done. It’s a bitch, but it could be worth it. I need much more practice though. I’m going to start using the pen on the pages I’ve already sketched out. I’ll probably destroy them and have to do them over and over, but again, I think it’ll be worth it.

I don’t know about this rap though. I think I did pretty well on it the first time. Ah who am I kidding. I’m just scared of all the hard work. But I’m gonna do it. Anyway, I……kkssssshhhhh……ssshhhh….(static and feedback and whatnot)..

…ssshhhhh….Monteclaire here. There should be less static this week as I have a direct connection now. How’d I get a direct connection? Uh….um, nevermind. I just did, okay? Listen, I’ve got lots of new inside information on the Ant takeover. They have…what? What do I mean “Ant”takeover? Well…I was wrong about the Grasshoppers is all. They are all peace-loving and….no, I don’t think I’m being contradictory. Hey, how about you stop interrupting me and I get on with this, huh? I’ve got a lot to say and a short span of time in which to say it.

Now, like I said a while back, I traveled through a portal in a giant condom billboard to the distant past when Jesus was born. But what you didn’t hear was that this Jesus isn’t the Jesus you’re thinking about.

what you’re thinking about ^

You see, the name Jesus was actually really common back then. It was like….Bob or…Isabald today. Everybody’s got those names. So what’s the big deal about this Jesus that I met being born? Nothing really. It was just a good way of letting you know about what time period I was in. Don’t take everything so literally. Jeez. Anyway, I awoke with a start on top of a sandy dune in the desert. I was sure I was going to die. There was nothing in sight for miles in any direction.

Just then, a car went driving by. Yes. A car. And who was driving? Gloria. That little bastard. You remember that “vacation” he went on some time ago to the desert? And then he came back smelling of booze and acting like he was just on a drug binge in someone’s back yard for a few weeks?

the picture from Gloria’s vacation in the 80’s ^ (he returned there on this last vacation)

I know this is all a bit much to take in all at once, so I’ll let that sink in for now. Just remember:

Gloria wasn’t on a vacation when all that took place. He was IN THE PAST!!!…kkssshhhhhh

I’ve recently acquired a kick-ass new ink well (I love antiquing) and it’s inspired me to start working with crow quill pens. I’ve been reading up on them a bit (fantastic advice on making comics and tools to use and self-publishing by Dave Sim of “Cerebus”fame) and I’m going to make the switch from tech pen to inkwells and nibs. Incidentally the look of the comic may change slightly, but personally I always find it endearing when you read a comic and can see the art changing and evolving. In fact it’s almost impossible to draw a comic and not do that. So that’ll be my excuse if people ask.

And yes, that is a gangsta rap by the Spanish Inquisition. Now that we’re good and caught up we can get back to business. Namely, the very important and serious business of….kkssshhhhh…ssshhhh..whhiiirrrr (feedback, static)…

…kkssshhhh…hello?…hello, is this…kkssshhhhh…this is the leader of the Ant Empire. You are being deceived by the vile Grasshoppers. They are not the chosen race. Not by a long shot. WE ARE!!!!!! You people, you must decide. Soon Monteclaire will jack into this frequency and feed you false information. He is still under the Grasshoppers’ control! Do not be taken in!..kkssshhhhh….Decide or die!

sssort of forgot to mention I was going to be out of town with no computer access whatsoever most of this week. My bad. But it’s all good because I need to update for Friday, the weekend, and Tuesday today. AND THEN, update tomorrow ANND THEEN over the weekend. So man, I’m going to cover a shitload. The updating will begin shortly. Thanks.