11. Forget bleach or aspirin: Just replace the water and cut the stems every day.

--TED ALLEN

The Endorsement: Impotence

THE WAY DRUG COMPANIES TALK about "erectile dysfunction," you'd think it was a bad thing. It isn't. The penis may not be the smartest organ, but it always tells the truth. Always. Sure, it can hurt--the truth, I mean; if your penis hurts, consult your doctor or a back issue of Hustler immediately--to face the deeper questions of manhood, but when your pants pilot says no, you'd better listen.

And learn. Everything I know about great sex I learned from my limp dick. I learned to take my time. I learned that alcohol is not my best friend. I learned that sad, angry, or sexually inept women tend to judge a fellow neither by the color of his skin nor the content of his character but by the pubic inch. I learned that shame and failure are less costly than abortion, easier to laugh off, and better at building character. I learned the difference between passion and performance, and between guilty thoughts and dirty deeds. We're animals, yes, but such soft beasts. We compensate with our brains, where the most vital lessons are always hard. Looking for a yes-man? Ask your spleen. Want the truth? That's the only language Mistah Johnson speaks. --SCOTT RAAB

THE MANLIEST 97-YEAR-OLD IN AMERICA It's one thing that Norman Vaughan has a mountain in Antarctica named after him. But that he plans to climb that mountain in 2005 on his 100th birthday? It's more than we can handle. This is a man who dropped out of Harvard to explore the frozen north, who entered his first Iditarod at the age of 70 (and has competed in another dozen since then)--hell, this is a man who has had the pope on his dogsled. Last year, he watched a P-38 fighter jet fly after helping recover it from under more than 200 feet of ice. The plane had been abandoned, with five others, in 1942 after Vaughan rescued the crew. This month, Vaughan will participate in Alaska's Serum Run, an 868-mile dogsled run he founded a few years ago. His secret? "If you let the weather and the dark get you down--if you moan and groan, even to yourself--you'll fail. I've never been in a negative mood." In other words, stop your moaning, young fella. --GENEVIEVE J. ROTH

The Rules

Rule No. 157: The quickest way to impress twins is to be able to figure out which is which. Rule No. 158: The quickest way to impress triplets is to not spend ten minutes discussing the fact that they're triplets. Rule No. 229: A man should not be subjected to looking at another man's toes.