Campaign 2012

07/22/2012

Washington Residents Strongly Advised to Avoid Capitol Building During Full Moon

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) A panel of psychiatrists today diagnosed the U.S. Congress as being, by any standard of measure, "Batshit insane."

The group of distinguished psychologists was gathered in the nation's capitol for a symposium on the topic, "Exponential Growth of Cognitive Dissonance as a Factor in Public Policy Decision Making."

"It was while we were reviewing the last couple of years' transcripts and tapes from the Congressional Record, and members of the House of Representatives' remarks to the press and the public," said the panel's spokesman Dr. Gerald Bostock, Director of Psychiatry at the Cleveland Clinic, "That they voted to repeal Obama Care [the Affordable Care Act] for the 33rd time, despite knowing full well that, like the 32 times before, the bill would die in the Senate."

"Soon after, Michelle Bachman and four colleagues called for an investigation into alleged Muslim infiltration of the State Department," continued Bostock, "Joe McCarthy and Roy Cohn must be yucking it up in hell right now."

"Even given the lunacy we've come to expect from this bunch, they've now gone way beyond merely dysfunctional," Bostock intoned, gravely.

"Any mental patient that repeats the same behavior over and over again, expecting a different result is a prime candidate for institutionalization," he said, shaking his head in dismay, "But, thirty three times! And knowing it won't work? That's just . . ." Bostock paused, searching for the right words, "Fucking nuts."

The panel's art therapist, after viewing the doodles made by members of congress, visible from enlargements of footage recorded by C-Span cameras, was found curled up in the fetal position muttering, "The horror, the horror. . ."

The panel's written report recommends that the entire congress be ". . . locked up with the key thrown away. . . to remain heavily medicated and under constant supervision, until such time as they no longer present such a clear and present danger to the people they're supposed to be representing."

11/20/2011

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) A recent CBS News poll shows only 9% of Americans approve of the way congress is doing its job. Upon further investigation it was revealed that this 9% consists entirely of the members of congress themselves, their families, office and household staffs, campaign contributors, lobbyists and the writing staffs of late night comedy shows.

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) Inspired by Rand Paul's recent denial of any link between air pollution and asthma, Michelle Bachman now says that the visible curvature of the earth as photographed from outer space is not proof the world is round, asserting instead, "That just shows it's a round flat disc, like a coin," and vows that as president she will build a reinforced concrete barrier underneath the U.S. to prevent any Chinese attempt to tunnel in from the other side.

Agents on order to tackle and restrain candidate if he attempts to speak near a microphone and to tase him when an attractive woman is within sight.

After much speculation about what "credible threat" prompted the Herman Cain campaign's request for Secret Service protection for their candidate comes the surprising answer: Herman Cain.

"He's the biggest liability we've got," says an anonymous high-ranking Cain campaign staffer, "We've kept this guy in contention for way longer than anyone expected, but every time he opens his mouth, we lose support and financing; we've come too far to let him blow it for us now."

"In 2008, it was all about pigs in lipstick," the staffer continues, "This time around, it's pigs with wings, and the longer we can keep this one in the air, the better," adding, "And believe me, in this shitty economy, having 'Can Make Pigs Fly' is a handy thing to have on your resume."

10/15/2011

"Hey, Asking Silly Questions to Get Crazy Answers is What I Do!" Says Comedy-Improv/Game Show Host

LAS VEGAS (AFA NewsWire) CNN has announced that the next debate of Republican presidential candidates will be moderated by comic Drew Carey, former host of the improvisational comedy show, Whose Line Is It, Anyway? and currently the host of The Price is Right.

Carey insists his participation isn't politically motivated, despite his outspoken Libertarianism. "This is strictly about showbiz," laughs the comic, "The kind of crazy-ass stuff this bunch comes up with is pure comedy gold," he says, adding, "Bad for the country, sure, but damned entertaining."

CNN spokesman Dan Undah explained the format change this way, "Look, our research shows the only reason people are watching these things is in the hope of catching some looney policy proposal, another eyebrow malfunction or maybe that one of the candidates starts speaking in tongues," he continued with a shrug, "We've just tailored the program to viewers' preferences."

The studio will be arranged like the set of Whose Line, with the candidates seated in low-backed swivel chairs instead of standing behind podiums, and Carey will be at a desk onstage.

It isn't known whether the debaters will be expected to respond to suggestions from the audience, although a spokesman for Michelle Bachman acknowledges that the congresswoman has been meeting with advisors about what to do if she has to be "stuck in an elevator" with Mitt Romney and Herman Cain.

Producers would neither confirm or deny that the candidates will arrive onstage together in a tiny car, then emerge from it one by one.

10/05/2011

We submit for your approval our take on what year each Republican presidential candidate idealizes and would return the country to if given the chance.

Mitt Romney: 1959. With a pompadour straight from Efram Zimbalist, Jr.'s 77 Sunset Strip days, Romney embodies the look, if not the spirit, of that brief, shining moment between the Eisenhower and Kennedy eras. This period is a proven winner with advertisers aiming for the aging Baby Boomer demographic as well as with those among the Greatest Generation who are still allowed to drive.

A Romney presidency might singlehandedly bring back Brylcreem, if not huge tailfins on cars. Whether his policies would prove him the sort of Eisenhower Republican Rachel Maddow longs for isn't clear, but his haircut is a damn good start. Happy Days is here again. Again.

Rick Perry: 1836-1846. We can picture Perry fitting right into that thrilling decade when Texas was an independent republic, making it all up as they went along, picking and choosing among the bits and pieces of the U.S. constitution they liked and ditching anything that wasn't met with enthusiastic yelps of "Yeeeehaaaaaw!" and random gunfire.

Michelle Bachman: 1429. Like Joan of Arc, who was at her peak that year, Bachman burns with a fiery passion. Both claim to have been called by God to save their respective nations; Joan to deliver France from the English, Michelle to cleanse America of homosexuals, vaccinations, taxes and anything else she that's just a little too secular for her taste. And, at least in the case of the retardation-inducing vaccines, Bachman, like the Maid of Orleans, tends to hear voices no one else can.

If she's not careful, though, Bachman's presidential path might too closely follow Joan's career arc; having rallied the troops, built up morale and won key battles, once her usefulness is over, she could get hung out to dry by those whose power she helped secure.

Ron Paul: 1757. Paul's call for America to return to self-reliance without any pesky government interference puts us in mind of James Fenimore Cooper's Last of the Mohicans. That is, the libertarian paradise that was colonial-era upstate New York. In this eden lives Deerslayer (aka Natty Bumpo, aka Leather-Stocking, aka Hawkeye, aka Pathfinder; hey, it's the frontier, you can call yourself whatever you want). He roams the wilderness with his indian pals, slaying deer and what-not, free from all the bothersome rules, regulations, taxes and indoor plumbing of so-called civilized society. This idyll is rudely interrupted when both of the governments waging the French and Indian Wars (along with attendant indians) show up and start trampling all over his individual rights, to say nothing of what they do to the Mohicans (spoiler alert in the book's title).

Newt Gingrich. 1866. 1866 providing the Confederacy had won the Civil War. Otherwise, any point in time the antebellum American south.

The Also-Runners

Herman Cain, Rick Santorum, John Huntsman, Buddy Roemer, Tom Miller, Jimmy McMillan, Andy Martin, Fred Karger, Gary Johnson, Vern Wuensche: 2013. They can go back to whatever they were doing before the campaign and add to their list of hobbies showing up on TV to scold us about how we wouldn't be in such a mess if we'd elected them. They should start reciting the phrase, "As I said in my presidential campaign..." in front of the mirror every morning as soon as possible.

Withdrawn But Not Forgotten

Sarah Palin: 1898-1901. Even the coy manner in which she teased us for so long over "will she or won't she" run reinforces our image of Palin as a boomtown saloon girl during the Alaskan Gold Rush entertaining horny miners in some Klondike clip joint. Her flirty ways and sassy talk would keep 'em buying drinks until they got fresh enough that she had to either make it clear she wasn't 'that kind of girl' or name her price. Like voters today, if those lovesick miners didn't have the nuggets, they had to make do with nearest pig in lipstick.

Donald Trump: 1984. That Trump's self-delusions of grandeur would become his most prominent feature isn't news now, but in 1984, few suspected he would go so far around so many bends. In '84, he was 38, a young millionaire on the make and, having profited from New York City's default years, was busily buying up Atlantic City at bargain basement prices. Not yet dubbed "The Donald," Trump was featured — unironically! — on the cover of GQ that year, his hair still looking more-or-less something like actual human hair. And, so far as we know, he had no apprentices. Five years from his first bankruptcy and still with his first wife, the only dark cloud on Trump's golden boy horizon was his ownership of the USFL's New Jersey Generals. Good times.