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How to Win an Argument w/ Little to No Effort

We’ve all been there, and when you arrive…there is no escape. Whether you’re surfing the interwebs, tube, or having a mild conversation with a friend, chances are high that someone is gonna write/say the wrong thing and BAM, you’ve just stepped into a debate. And when it’s a Sunday morning and all you wanna do is sleep, you just don’t have the time to commit to all the factors a good debate needs; factors such as logic, truth, understanding, etc. Looks like, it’s time to transform this debate…into an argument.

An argument, unlike a debate serves no purpose other than to annoy the fuck out of your adversary. In the end, there is no glory to be had, you don’t get a Hollywood movie based on your achievement, and no one is taking you out for pizza afterwards. The only satisfaction earned after an argument is the satisfaction of winning and the only way you know you’ve won is, as mentioned above, your adversary is more pissed than you are.

In the past, arguments were a deadly battle ground of chance and experience. The only way you could get good at arguing was by having lots of arguments but this deadly game has a twist as losing too many arguments leaves a person’s self esteem crushed. Sometimes the damage is so severe that these unfortunates are unable to ever argue again, their voices stolen by the deafening silence of defeat.

By using these simple methods, I aim to even out the playing field between the pro and the novices. And somewhere out there, in cyberspace, there is a mutie who has long since given up on the art of arguing. This guide is dedicated to them.

You can do it!

GET MADDER THAN YOUR OPPONENT
If you’re losing the argument and have run out of legitimate facts to back up your claim, simply pretend to get mad. Just take the most recent thing your opponent said to you and twist it in a way that could somehow be offensive to you. Now here’s the most important part…GET OFFENDED. You’re really gonna have to act the part in order to make this work. Even though you aren’t really offended you need to trick your brain into thinking it is so you can get the mental adrenaline rush needed to raise your voice, hammer your fist on unsuspecting inanimate objects, etc. Your vocab should be full of quotes such as “I can’t believe you would say a thing like that” “I thought you were better than this” and the classic “What do you mean, THOSE people.” If you have a ethnic/damsel card, now is your chance to use it. However only use your special E/D-card in dire circumstances, too much use will erode the magnetic strip making it useless for future arguments.

ADVISE THEM TO “DO THEIR RESEARCH”
Vaguely suggesting to someone that they should “do their research” on any particular subject suggests to them that you’re a really smart person and you already know everything that there is to know about the current subject BUT, out of mercy, you are allowing this lesser educated person to retreat back to the libraries of Wikipedia to further educate themselves on the subject before they engage in mental kombat with you.

This tactic is super effective on the ignorant and the lazy. The lazy of course will be INSTANTLY disinterested in continuing the argument knowing that there will be some kind of work involved. The ignorant, knowing they have no real knowledge to back up their claims, will resort to insults as a tactic to change the topic and bait you into getting mad but this just means you’ve already won the argument. At this point kindly point this fact out to them.

CRY
This is an expert move and you defiantly want to be well versed in your Jedi Mind tricks before you even attempt it. In the middle of your opponent’s jabbering, just start crying. No words, no hand gestures…just cry. If you are a person with no/a previous history of having little to no shame, this should be easy enough to pull off. You’re tears at this point are like a level 99 special summon, a Charles Xavier-like mental slap to the face, an Evanesco vanishing spell performed by Dumbledore himself; this is to say, whatever the fuck your opponent was arguing about a few seconds before, will instantly be erased upon seeing water leaking from your face and will cause this person to immediately feel bad about themselves and transmutate their thought pattern which was originally “Im gonna destroy you in this argument and make you feel bad” to “oh shit, I just destroyed this person in an argument, and now they feel bad, but I made them feel too bad…and now they’re crying. How can I fix this before anyone notices because now, I feel like an asshole.” Congrats, you’ve just performed mental alchemy, completely taking reality and flipping it on it’s ass for your own personal benefit.

At this point, like Captain Planet always used to tell you, the power is yours. Tell the person you’re crying because something s(h)e said reminded you about some horrible shit that happened to you in your childhood, that you’re still “healing” from.

Still here? Awesome!

THE NEVER ENDING QUESTION
This is also known as the cop defense in some circles. You’re on the receiving end of the argument, I mean this person is just blasting you in the ass with facts, figures, pie charts, etc. With victory long gone and options slim, your only choice is to ask a question for every fact this know-it-all throws in your face. In order for this to work, you gotta be flexible with your question askin’. You gotta put yourself in the onesie of a 3 year old. You literally don’t know SHIT about the world and through a series of rapid fire questioning, you’re gonna find out everything…or annoy them to anger trying.

They state “bubblegum is pink”
You ask “but how?”
They state “because look at it, it’s pink”
You ask “but how do we know it’s pink?
They state “because this is the color pink. This, look at it”
You ask “do you have sources?”
They state “wtf do you mean sources? Its pink!”
You ask “but how did the gum become pink?
They state “What?”
You ask “how did the gum become pink”

I’d like to continue but I’m starting to get a little annoyed myself, but you see where we’re going with this.