AuIIo !" said' the School Board, bursting in. That your infant ? Why hasn't it attended school? Where are the fees ?
You haven't applied for remission? What the dooce d'ye mean by it? What's the excuse?-' Got to stop at home and mind a
gross of babies younger than itself?' Got work in a factory ?' Hasn't any shoes and stockings ? Pooh, pooh All fudge !
Don't try to come that over me I'll have you up I You'll be hanged What's your full name and address and occupation ?
Usual tale-'out o' work,' I suppose?"
FUN drew himself up to his full height, but replied calmly:-
"My name is FACETIUS JOKER WAGGERY SIDESPLITTER FUN. I am at present occupied in providing amusement for the
public. This is my newest infant-five minutes old. It is named 'VOLUME FORTYFOUR NEWSERIES FUN.' It has
passed the fifth-nay, the five million five hundred and fifty-fifth-standard. It knows everything there is to know. You are at
liberty to examine it."
The School Board gaped in blank amazement. The infant could roll him round its little finger for knowledge. It began to
catechise him. His tongue clove to his teeth-his head swam-he went round like a top. Then he hastily wrote a certificate, and
fled with a howl.

IT was a secluded, though electric-lit, spot
at the South Kensington Show.
S A silence had fallen upon the couple, and
Mr. FUN was evidently cogitating something.
BRITANNIA eyed him with anxious appe-
hension and fidgetted. She had seen him in
this mood before-once every six months or
so, and she dreaded what was to follow.
He lifted his head to speak.
"Don't I" said BRITANNIA,' with quick
pleading; leasee don't I I haven't come to
ask you what I amto do with Ireland, I doh't
want to know the result of the elections I
don't want anything in fact-I have quite
sufficient-and I don't want you to refer she
to sour-
It was Mr. FUN'S turn to interrupt. He did so with a smile. "I wasn't thinking of that," he said,-"yet I was thinking what a good idea this Exhibition was, and how
it might have knit you and your colonies together if only--
"What?" asked BRITANNIA.
." If only you had not allowed it to be called the 'Colinderies,' and so raised everlasting hate of the mother country in the Colonial bosom. I should like to punish
every one who uses the term."
"Heavens I what would you do exclaimed BRITANNIA, in the manner of an Adelphi heroine.
"I would condemn him I 'said her companion, darkly, to read every single word of the FORTY.FOURTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES OF' FUN.'"

VOL. XLIV.-NO. 1104,

2 _FT I o JULY 7, 1886.

SLASHES AND PUFFS.
-C ^s HE sweet calm of
summer is upon
us, and, beyond a
couple of new
S) plays a week, and
S' nine or ten m ati-
ides, stagnation
S-' has come upon the
theatrical world,
-' '- and many a lucky
-.. -lady is "rest-ing"
S-- by the sad sea-
shore. Alas for
the critic, no
hint of resting
for him
THERE was a
,'s',' benefit perform-
-, _a n c e at th e
=_. --'-. Comedy the other
A HINT o'RESTiNG-FIGURI morning, the
manageress, Miss
Violet Melnotte, being the bhnficiare; but, although the rows upon rows
of empty stalls were doubtless sold, theatrical rows cannot compete
with the rose ofJune," and the attractions of fine weather and out-door
sports, probably account for the absence of those who should have been
present-let us, for Miss Melnotte's sake, hope as much. She can scarcely
be called a great actress, and is certainly not an expert manageress as
regards the pieces she chooses; but I know she'd like to produce a good
piece if somebody would only write it, and she has certainly kept a lot
of acting folks "in collar at some expense.
THE programme was of very much the usual character: a scene from
Erminie, an act from Money, and a scene from The Lily ofLeoville,
interspersed with songs, &c., by individual performers-Arthur Roberts,
Lionel Brough, and Miss Loseby, and Mr. Righton, being distinguished
amongst the comics during the time I was present. Mdlle. Delaporte
justified her assumed nationality by giving a French song in excellent
style, and Mdlle. Isabelle Levallois played Sarasate's Spanish Dance for
the violin with spirit and grip. I think it must have been Mr. Van
Biene who played a violoncello solo, not in the programme, with very
capital style.
DRURY LANE.-A little more rehearsing and pulling together would
benefit Frivoli considerably; all the little shortcomings of performance,
particularly in such matters as taking up entrance cues smartly, and
such things as are usually grouped under the heading of "go," are
exaggeratedly apparent on so large a stage as that of Old Drury, and
the performance of Tuesday evening last was not, on the whole, one to
be proud of.
THE story is very ordinary; the music, pretty enough, but not par-
ticularly fresh; and the lyrics, as far as I could judge,
smoothly written, but no more. The dresses are rich
enough in material and number, but commonplace in
design; the scenery, however, leaves nothing to
desire, and the grouping and stage management
are what might be expected of the expert and i
experienced head of affairs at this house. There
are two capital ballets, also--in fact, as far as
spectacle is concerned, the taste for it can be satisfied
to the full. _
THE cast looks strong enough on paper, but some-
how it doesn't come out very strongly. Madame
Rose Hersee is not in any way suited to the part
of Frivoli. Both Messrs. Pierpoint and Thorn-
dyke, though respectable singers, are painful from
an acting point of view. Messrs. Nicholls, Pate-
man, and Victor Stevens are funny, and will be
funnier as the piece ages. Miss Tempest's singing
would be difficult to improve upon, and is simply
"worth all the money." Other singers, actors,
and actresses are in the cast, and do good service,
but the total result dangerously approaches the HER OWN STAN-
dreary. The theatre is eminently one for the DARD.
hot weather in its size and airiness. NESTOR,

SEVERAL young teetotallers who were advised by a temperance
lecturer to "make alcohol a study," have done so. The doctors who
now attend them fancy that not more than one case will end fatally.

KNIOKNACKS.
A WEATHER-BEATEN Indian," seated in a bar at the Colindies"
last week, was heard to express himself in strong Irish-American ver-
nacular as follows:-" Yew bet, cap,
if the consumptive, decrepid Britishers
don't give our bhoys Home Rule, we'll
be bound to blow darned old England
to that location wheer galoshes is onne-
cessary adjuncts; wheer nary a pair of
skates has ever bin sowld; and wheer
a snowballin' match would be looked on
as a phenomenal wonder by the oldest
inhabitant."

A YOUTHFUL and vivacious matron,
who was convicted of bigamy lately,
pleaded that she was driven to commit
the crime, as her husband would get up
in the middle of the night, write poetry,
and then wake her and read the twaddle aloud. The sinner was justly
let off with a nominal sentence by a sympathetic judge. As a matter of
fact, ultra-poetical men have no right to marry sprightly women. The
giant poet, Heine, held this idea to be right, and very carefully selected
a lymphatic partner endued with much patience. His spouse seemed
as if she had been specially bred to be a poet's wife, for she was slavishly
devoted to him, and lolled about day and night listening to all the lines he
wrote with placid satisfaction. When the great genius was on his
deathbed, the faithful little woman knelt by the bedside, clasped her
hands, and sobbingly ejaculated, "Mon Die u do not take my Henri
from me yet; I have already lost my parrakeet this week."
AN election committee that sat up all night to choose an efficient
chairman, were interviewed at early morn, at their committee rooms, by
a deputation of excited wives. Several of the most hard-working Bene-
dicts were led to their homes in a most exhausted condition, and have
had to undergo a three days' treatment of hot beef-tea and iced soda
entirely through over-exerting themselves in the cause of "justice and
freedom."

SOMEBODY or other says: "Through the extreme heat of controversy,
it is hardly to be wondered that sometimes the actual point in dispute
is never really settled." Here we have an instance which proves the
truth of this deduction. An American cow-boy, who had a difference
of opinion with his papa as to whether the word whisky had an h in
it or not, settled the debate by settling the old gentleman with a bowie-
knife. In the room where the murder was committed, a dictionary,
which was actually stained with the unfortunate father's gore, stood on
a low shelf. Neither of the excited men had referred to it to settle the
momentous question.
MR. HENRY IRVING'S intended trip to America is to be a pleasure-
jaunt this time. Henry can well afford to take a holiday in the States.
During one of his professional visits to Chicago, in one week the great
tragedian's receipts reached the respectable sum of eighteen thousand
dollars odd. Henry's expressive face and form has been curiously com-
mented on by various American critics. Per example. A gentleman
who combined scene-painting with dramatic criticism, once wrote:-
" Mr. Irving's facial expression makes the most lunk-headed ignoramuses
pull up their socks and gaze with intense awe at him. Highly sensitive
people are elevated into a spiritual Turkish bath by his powerful declama-
tion. His form is delicate as that of a young gum-tree. He is a walking
scenic effect, and is far more picturesque than a ruined water-mill by
moonlight."
THE mania for collecting old postage stamps has not yet died out.
An enterprising tradesman who has bought up all the stamps he could
of the defunct Italian States, has made quite a little fortune by the
speculation. The only three confirmed adult collectors of stamps we
have ever had the misfortune to know came to a bad end. No. I com-
mitted bigamy and fled to America; No. 2 retired to Spain under
a pressure of circumstances, and eventually shot himself; No. 3 departed
this life in a private lunatic asylum.

AN American editor says that before he starts for a long holiday in
Europe he prepares nearly a year's matter in advance. He remarks
that it's no trouble at all to the spry conductor of a smart paper in the
States to throw a pile of manuscript into the future, and let time and
the journal catch it up.
A VOLUNTEER, who spoke with a very strong Irish accent, has been
fined fifteen shillings for firing at the roof of a railway station. It is
generally supposed that he saw the sea-serpent floating about there, and
potted at it, hoping to bring the monster down.

JULY 7, 1886. 3

BACK LIKEA C LOVE

II T

~-------- -4;

A HENLEY OUTRIGGER. HENLEY WEAK.
"JUST THE FIGGER FOR A RIGGER." "OH, LOR!"

SONGS OF THE WATERING- Such things we elsewhere light on; Le Roi S'Amuse.
PLACES. The two are charm'd, (A DISLOYAL DOGGEREL.)
And no one harm'd,
No. II.-NEW BRIGHTON. At least, not in New Brighton. [Charles the Fifth, in all his glory, was not perhaps
At least, not in B n. treated to more ceremony than the pretty littlebundle
WHEN Manchester and Liverpool That this is Cheshire's Biarritz, of humanity that now represents the royal dignity of
Are panting for a little cool," Each gay habitud admits-- Spain.-Newsfpaer Corresmondet.]
And cotton lord and jaunty clerk The ladies have to dress and dance, OH could I be the Pride of Spain
Alike is thinking what a lark The gentlemen love games of chance, In his lace and furbelows,
'Twould be to be a triton; But other games play gladly: With courtiers bowing might and main,
If there's one shore Yes, entire nous, As they stand in long, long rows.
That tempts them more All things they'll do The Pride of Spain a big man is,
Than others, 'tis New Brighton. But take their pleasures sadly. If not, Sir, six months old;
In half-an-hour on those bright sands A Queen doth watch his little phiz
The happy Liverpudlian stands, Not to be Thought Of. In its bassinette of gold.
Of Cottonopolis the son [An evening paper opines that as Lord Randolph,, chamberlain,
In far less than a three hours' run- since the periodwhen he attained Cabinet rank, has For marshals, Sir, and chamberlain,
k on m s sl n ; contrived to be occasionally dull, it may come to pass Hidalgos small and great,
They look on maps still nearer; that he will become habitually serious.] And equerries in golden chains
And then each one AMID the battle's roar and din Keep up our monarch's state.
Goes in for fun, (Of course, I mean, political),
Or entertainment dearer. When people wonder who will win, And jolly priests in alb, not band,
The witches there of Lancashire, For, lo i the issue's critical. And monks from ev'ry ilk,
And Cheshire girls, set hearts on fire: There comes a cry amid the hum- Grand bishops take the front, and stand
There may be seen some small purse-pride, A whisper most mysterious, In sacerdotal silk.
But manners stiff and sanctified Which says Lord Randolph may become His majesty on ev'ry night
The jokers cast no blight on; Habitually serious!" Is welcomed by the court;
For life is gay- Let's hope the rumour's not correct,- And all cry, What a lovely sight "
"Fast," some folks say- He wakes the House's dreariness, As in the monarch's brought.
That's led at cool New Brighton. While many members we elect 'Mid twinkling gems from Id and Orm,
The languid swell will not there find So In e a sene of learn w He sucks his little thumbs,
The sport of a rejoicing kind- So we love Randy (though we learn And condescends to kick and storm
The Lancasport ofhire and rejoicing kind-- He's now still more mysterious), When inward trouble comes.
The Lancashire and Cheshire crowd And we should grieve were he to turn When inward trouble comes.
Like jollities a little loud, Habitually serious Oh save the mighty King of Spain,
Full-flavoured, appetizing;
And seek a field a ; This quick-change artist's frequent wheeze, Oh bless him ev'ry day,
That much will yield The slang he salts his speeches with, Oh I keep him free from sin and pain,
To humours enterprising. His fierce attacks, his big, big D.'s, With a hip, hip, hip, hurray !
The voice his lordship screeches with. *
About good Queen Elizabeth For these we love this wild M.P.- A million poor must starve and weep
There scandal will but waste its breath; His antics never weary us: As the king rocks in his cradle,
Therefore, if pretty Mrs. E. So, Randolph, never may you be For some are born with a stone in the mouth,
Does flirt a bit with Mr. D., Habitually serious I And some with a golden ladle.

4 N .JULY 7, i886.

-- .,,:..
JUSTIFIABLE.

4/4

No wonder an intelligent jury returned a verdict of "justifiable homicide." And inside that dilapidated cot, with the rain pouring in upon him through
This was how it happened ;--risoner, a landscape painter, had chanced upon the the roof, was the ignorant and aggravating inmate, thinking of "pulling down the
loveliest tumble-down cottage for a picture, and had sat down to paint it. rotten old place once and for all.

E ; Or
a-`2S.7=

Well, that wretched inmate had repeatedly attempted to do so; but the outraged painter had held him in an iron grip, while he worked at his picture with the
other hand.

And one morning, when the poor painter had put in all that cottage except the beauties, he arrived to put them in too, and finish; and he found that that grizzly
Vandal of an i inmate had replaced his lovely cot with a new habitable detached villa! He slew him with his palette-knife. Try him for murder, indeed I A pretty
state we're coming to I

,SA

I *-"

s t*; .'

(; I -u
1/

;e ~V/1~-
-( f ,' I-

A 4
751 I /

THE UNIONIST CREW; OR, PULLING TOGETHER.

A SKETCH AT THE HOME RULE REGATTA.

:Q~

",/^
^ _

i\:

-V

I

is
~u~Ci~:

aS

6 +1FTUTN-. JULY 7, s886.

THE CONTRARINESS OF FACTS.
(In a recent case, in which three persons had said they lived in Tottenham Court
Road, one of the justices remarked, "It is not likely that two or three persons would
live at one place 1"]
WITH all the difficulties against which it is the lot of man to contend,
the laws of na-
ture don't usu-
ally slide clean
out of their re-
gular groove in
order to stultify
him; all the ac-
cepted axioms
S /of science are
of turning out
s/ tto be myths just
S/i to put stumb-
t hling-blocks in
his way; nor
n does undoubted
black become
unquestionable
white out of
pure perversity
and bad-feeling toward him. No, our Justice of the Peace was atar-
ticularly unfortunate man, there's not the slightest room for doubt I
le had always been wise from childhood, had our J.P. The wisdom
of his terse little remarks made during early years would have made a
lovely book-better than Tupper-if they had been collected. There
was boldness in them too-boldness and originality, as well as wisdom,
and an intimate, deep, and instinctive knowledge of the ways of men
and things which has seldom, if ever, found its equal. Nor can we be
unmindful of the promptness with which our magistrate, even at the age
of one, arrived at an unerring conclusion; he appeared to grasp a situa-
tion and decide upon it without the necessity of deliberation, by a self-
acting, spontaneous, instantaneous instinct.
Under these circumstances, it appeared but natural that our magis-
trate would quickly attain that world-wide reputation for intense wisdom
which he certainly merited; but circumstances arrayed themselves dead
against him from the first, while events were but too obviously actuated
by an unveiled animosity towards him which could only be described
as most discreditable. Reflecting upon the trying career of that unfor-
tunate man, we are persuaded that, had he chanced to remark water
will find its own level," or "you can't get milk out of a stone," all the
water in the vicinity would instantly have built itself up into a mound,
or all the road metal round about have gone on in a manner to render
cows a superfluity.
It was one day when he was under the care of his nursery governess
that the difficulties of his career commenced; the conversation had
turned upon fishes. Without any apparent reflection upon the subject,
and evidently assisted by that spontaneous instinct, little Tohnny (for he
was not a magistrate then) remarked-" Pooh I Fishes wouldn't be
likely to live in the water; don't tell me that nonsense !"
Now, we happen to know, on most reliable information, that the
fishes got wind of his remark, and (out of pure bad feeling) immediately
put their heads together to prove our magistrate in the wrong. "Let's
instantly take to living in the water," they exclaimed in chorus; "and
then the world
will fancy that
we always have,
and put him
down as a fool."
And they did
take to living in
the water, put-
ting up with all
the inconve-
niences of it for
the pleasure of)
doing our ma-
gistrate an evil
turn; and when
he led his nur-
sery governess
to the river to -~
show her exult-
antly that the
fish were not in it, but perching on the trees above it, there were those
nasty fish swimming about in shoals, and winking merrily at one another
at his discomfiture.
Let us pass over his early years, all rendered unpleasant by the con-
trariness of events, and take up the thread again at that period when he

was a full-blown magistrate, in complete working order. It was at this
period that he felt most bitterly the loss of that reputation for wisdom
which he could not but look upon as his due; but it was in vain that he
strove after it. The world would be biassed by the absurd way in
which events arranged themselves in opposition to his shrewdest dicta,
and would look upon him as a maker of blunders and a committee of
mistakes. One day, during the hearing of a case, he determined to
throw his whole self into one great effort to achieve that reputation for
wisdom; and, without hesitation or any preparation whatever, he threw
off the following brilliant aphorism:-" Is it likely that two different
persons would both be walking along Regent Street in stove-pipe hats
at the same time ?" And decided the case upon the utter improbability
of the supposition.
But what was his mortification as he walked home down Regent
Street that evening to count no fewer than seven hundred and thirty-one
persons, all in stove-pipe hats, all walking along that thoroughfare.
The shock was really too much for him, and he never completely rallied.
Then the judges turned against him, and repeatedly reversed his deci-
sions with severe animadversions on his aphorisms; and finally the
Home Secretary took to writing unkind letters to him. He could not
stand it; he went clean out of his mind, and took to saying, on every
occasion, the exact reverse of what his reason would have prompted;
and very, very strange to say, he now has a reputation for the utmost
wisdom, and is looked upon as the best magistrate on the bench!

The Unionist Crew; or, Pulling Together.
(SEE CARTOON.)
PULLING together, the Union Crew
(An odd one as any that ever you knew),
Can show in their race
Both a pretty smart pace
And a lively abundance of go;"
And though it seems strange how they all can devote
Their powers to urging the very same boat,
Yet the dullest of blockheads may easily note
That they're thoroughly doughty opponents afloat,
With a pull that is strong,
And a pull that is long,
Pulling together-yeo-ho!
A breathless excitement attends on the strife;
Each oarsman will tug as it were for his life;
The waters are rough,
But the rowers are tough,
Anid will certainly do all they know;
Their craft they no doubt have the skill to impel
At a vigorous stroke and a quick time as well,
Whilst their motley supporters with ecstasy yell:
Still, he'd surely be rash that should dare to foretell
Who will win the first prize,
When such athletes one spies
Pulling together-yeo-ho!

A Nip of "Irish."
(A DITTY AFTER DIXEY.)
THE question that now driveth everyone mad
. Is Irish, you know-quite Irish, you know;
And the trouble that's sent Mr. G. to the bad,
Is Irish, quite Irish, you know.
We hear of Home Rule, go wherever we may-
In the salon, the street, at the park, at the play-
From this topic we somehow can not get away,
For it's Irish, quite Irish, you know.
News topics were once wont to vary, but now
They're Irish, you know-all Irish, you know.
Many "rows" are afoot, but, alas I the great "row"
Is Irish, quite Irish, you know.
All other affairs are kept back in the shade,
This sudden election is stopping all trade,
Other sons of the Empire must wait, we're afraid,
For the Irish, the Irish, you know.
Manifestoes-now issued by scores ev'ry day-
Are Irish, you know-all Irish, you know;
And who hope to let once mighty Gladstone have sway?
Why, the Irish, the Irish, you know.
E'er since this Hibernian shindy begun,
We have hoped that the Right will to Ireland be done-
To do Erin justice, the Empire's friend, FUN,
Is Irish, quite Irish, you know.

JULY 7, 1886. F Uo 7

/-- -

A Water-olour-able Imitation. Political Bonnets.

the FAIR S have addressed the following letter to Mr. F, their chief

Mr. J. C. Robinson recently declared that water-colour drawings exposed to the admirer and adviser ]
ordinary daylight had a very brief existence. But the R. I. P. in Water.Colours
arrayed a representative collection, and soon proved otherwise ] OH, kind Mr. FUN, you amusing old dear,*
OF late J. C. Robinson started a scare, We beg that a while you will lend us your ear;
And the R. P. did he fill with dismay; We won't keep it long, but we want your advice

Robinson, he So the styles of these Bonnets we'd like to unfold
Didn't prove a true prophet, as you'll agree. To you who are clever, although getting old. t
The Primrose League Bonnet is first on the list-
For the R. I. P., starting up from repose, A duck of a thing that is hard to resist;
Some examples of sound water-colours soon hung, Tis made of sweet primroses, yellow and white,
Which together made up the most charming of shows, Or green leaves on e primrimrose and tulle-what delight ,
And delighted the eyes of the old and the young. Then the sweet Home Rule Bonnet of green and blue tulle-
And J. C. We think our complexions wouldd suit as a rule,
Robinson, he Trimmed with shamrocks and cornflowers, isn't that nice?
Found his theory wrong-yea,.as wrong as could be. Yet these smart Home Rule Bonnets seem dear at the rice.
Of course there's a moral attached to this lay, The Unionist Bonnet, the D. T. suggests,
Which is this-when you prophesy do not be rash, For a lady who thoughts of disruption detests.
Or else you may find that the light of the day Let that Bonnet," it says (its description is lax),
May send all your vaunted predictions to smash. "Be tastefully trimmed with small Union Jacks."
Unlike J. C. Now, we'd wear this at once, if weree proved as a fact,
Robinson, we That thus doing, we'd help keep the Empire intact.
Should wait till we know-ere we prophets would be. 0, advise us, dear FUeN-O, thou sage most sublime,
Who art not for an age, but, indeed, for all time.
Dust thou like the Picture? *
[Whitechapel is said to be solving the great dust problem in its own fashion. The But there, after all, wherefore ask this advice?
householders there now empty their ashes in bins erected in the streets You, like us, will confess all these Bonnets are nice.
WHITECHAPEL is certainly wise in its way, The Primrose League Bonnet is charming and neat,
And this proves its inhabitants trusty; And the Green Home Rule Bonnet is really as sweet;
That the neighbourhood seldom is neat, some say, The Union Jack Bonnet-Imperial sign-
Yet its people are up to the time of day, Is likewise a Bonnet that's almost divine.
And its houses are not so dusty. But there, matter all, 'twill of course be contest
A t Usesre n y. We should pick out the Bonnet in which we look best.
A PROVINCIAL PAPER points out that Lord R. Churchill has taken This, of course, the reader will egrd as strictly confidential-that is, as far as
to the war-path again-in a fresh coating of paint and feathers. Some r. F. i concerned.
of Lord R.'s opponents might think that, for his recent outbursts of
Billingsgate, he deserved tar and feathers; while even the most sensi- IT iz very hard tew fully appreciate fun in which yew air not a par-
tive Yankee could not say, Those speeches war-path-etic tisipatur.-O. E. POTTS.
Yet its' pepeaeu otetm o aI ieieaBnntta' lotdv:

8 FU [. _TULY 1886.

TURF CUTTINGS.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
^ IR,-I seldom open the letters I
receive unless I know the hand-
writing. I used to, in my ftte
de foie gras and lobster salad
days, but indiscretion departed
just about the time indigestion
turned up. I remember those
days I But I soon got used to
the abusive epithets and inferior
logic,and they palled upon me.
To be called an "unblushing
swindler," or an "illiterate and
intoxicated robber of the widow
and orphan," and such like,
was all very well as long as the
novelty lasted, but I yearned
II, for other things in a little while,
and adopted the system I've
mentioned. It had one dis-
2 A advantage: correspondents,
finding their letters unnoticed,
became callers, and thundered
at my knocker with vengeful thunderings,'but always, strange to say,
when I was not at home. Many's the hour I've sat in my sanctum and
heard them do it, while the street, as to its upper windows, has been
one mass of slaveys' heads. As there is nothing particular doing this
week, I will just run over a few of these callers.
The gentleman with the head of hair pictured in the initial is of the
inwardly raging, but outwardly calm, and grimly vicious type. He
never gets over my threshold; but if he were to do so, I know exactly
how he would behave. He would enter the
room with an aspect of terrible determina-
tion; he would begin with a business-like
air. "Now, sir, so-and-so has happened, i
things are thus and thus, and you are respon-
sible for them. What do you propose to
do? Giving me very clearly to understand
that, whatever I propose to do, he has a very -
certain knowledge of what he proposes to do
in the event of my doing not being exactly /
to his liking. And, calmly as he begins, he
will presently work himself up till horse-
whipping is nothing to what he won't do.
The second sketch represents a very de-
termined young gentleman. He is bad to
beat. He passes the whole morning knocking
at the door, and comes back again after lunch. The police have no
terrors for him. Indeed, I regret to say that, having found me obtuse
to hints respecting drinks from time to time, they rather encourage him,
by affecting not to see him. He varies his knocking by goading re-
marks, much in this style, Here I D'yere I want my money back !
Come out, you bald-headed duffer, an' I'll give you what for! D'yere I
I say I come out an' have your head punched." But I don't go out,
and he eventually retires.
The third type come upon is a comparatively pretty young lady.
This is a pathetic case. The sor-

months." The information then

rows of a comparatively pretty
young lady are always pathetic.
This is a case in which the door is
generally opened in answer to her
knock, and although she gets no
further than the attendant nymph
who obliges us in the rougher do-
mestic offices, she pours forth her
sorrows to that willing listener.
"It is too bad," she says, "it is
not so much that I lose by following
the old man's tips, it is that I don't
win. I'm not bound to pay, but
where am I to get gloves from ?"
It is a painful instance of the injus-
tice of fate. Do not let us dwell
upon it.
There is not much pathos about
the next specimen. He is some
sort of stable help, I think, and
usually first addresses me as
"Honoured Sir," and wants to
know my "terms for three
despatched being unfortunate (for, if

you remember, even Apollo non semper tendit his what-ya-may-call'um),
his tone changes. He sends me pages of pale-inked and slanting
abuse, couched in much curious language-
which, as I said before, I do not read-and
Subsequently he calls-and knocks. His
knocks are splendid specimens. They re-
sound through the neighbourhood, and pound
through your nerves and brains till you lay
\ yourself upon the floor, and pile on a sarco-
phagus of sofa-cushions above your recumbent
body in the vain search for relief. When he
is not knocking he perambulates the pave-
S ment in front of the house, peers into the
S'/ windows, and repeats the substance of his
letters, to the delight of the assembled crowd,
^ whom he presently harangues on the subject
of my enormities.
There are hundreds of others, of course,
from the timid and uncertain young man who "puts it to us really,
now," to the florid and full-bodied lady who is "a respectable married
woman, who's husband will let us
know, and who'll have the law on us
if there is any in the country, so
make your mind up for that;" but I
have only space for the lady in the
margin, who, I fancy, is Captain
Joyful Jane, or something in the Sal-
vation Army. She is very bitter on
the thirst for this world's goods, as
evidenced by my nefarious practices
and the wickedness of holding out
visions of gold, never to be fulfilled,
to the innocent and guileless ear of// /
such as herself. Next week I will j
give her another chance of fortune.
Meantime, I am, yours, &c.,
TROPHONIUS.
P.S.-I believe I have some good
things for Goodwood, and I am work-
ing them up into suitable form for .W
publication; you look out for them,
and you'll have the best chance of
making a fortune you've ever had in
your life.

Extraordinary Coincidence.
IN SNOOPING there is a story of a certain JonN, arrested by gen-
darmes, in France, on suspicion of having sketched a fortress. In
describing John the author had in his mind MR. JOSEPH PENNELL, the
etcher, and his peculiar style of chaffing French donassier, police, and
gypsies. In the story, JOHN and a brother artist are supposed to be on
a boating and sketching tour in France, as a shore view is spoken'of.
By a singular coincidence, it happened that at the time when "SNOOP-
ING" appeared, in fact about the very day, MR. PENNELL and PHILIP
G. HAMERTON, being on a boating and sketching tour on the Saone,
were arrested at Pontallier on suspicion of having sketched a fortress,
and the details of the incident subsequently received established events,
in certain minute details, of a startling identity with those of the story.
The gendarme who made the arrest conversed in the same stupid man-
ner, and showed the same dense ignorance as to art, while the general
in command, like the one of the tale, dismissed the case as mere non-
sense as soon as he heard of it. The only material point of difference
between the original story and the fact lies in this, that MR. PENNELL
did not, while being arrested, sketch his own portrait, but that of the
gendarme. I would state, in conclusion, that MR. PENNELL had never
seen, or even heard of the story in question.
CHARLES G. LELAND.

Re-Oanter.
[The Globe thinks the Conservatives ought to win in a canter" in Mid-Cumber.
land ]
THIs statement, re Conservatives' success,
Is somewhat premature-'tis doubtful, very-
If they would in a canter win, we guess
A much more likely spot is Canter-bury.

The Wrong Man in the Wrong Place.
A TORY candidate placards his district with, "Vote for So-and-So,
your local and Conservative candidate." The local is distinctly new, but
it is quite in accordance with the most approved traditions for a Tory to
seek election on the score of being a place man.

JULY 7, 1886. FUTJI 9

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AFTER-DINNER NOTES ON THE THAMES.
OUR boating artist, and our special reporter on boating subjects, take ajaunt to Henley Regatta. After, what they are pleased to call, a quiet, rippling,
riverside dinner at the Red Lion, they perpetrate the above sketches and jokeeets. In the last drawing, Hugging the Bank," our artist has managed to catch a
remarkably correct likeness of our reporter. We decline to pay for the modest little feed indulged in by our contributors. It amounts to 5 6s. 4d., and is
charged as travelling expenses."
IT To COORIWONDNTS.--T/h Editor does not bind himself toe ackswaedge, eurn, or yfoe Contribu ti In no case uill tkey be retulied ui/css
aeompinmied by a stamped and directed rwvelofl.

_- .^7-,

O F TUN. JULY 7, I886.

HENLEY VAGARIES.

'OE AL

UTMOST LIMIT

/ 1I
THE C-

11 1. ANN,,5' I..

"Cups, indeed I A knife and fork is more in And a couple of spoons in theirs I What's the use of Cups without "Sauce-rs?" Here are a
my line I" couple of 'em.

A Free and (Chin)-easy Ballad. And the Government reigning at Pekin PRloC, ONE SHa.UN AOH; Post-reeo, ls. .
[The Heathen Chinee has of late been tampe ings He endeavoured to cover with shame. "W r a
much with his exports of tea, that Sir Robert Hart, the J U ST OUT.
Inspector-General of the Maritime Customs of the So Sir R., as you see,
Empire, has remonstrated with the Imperial Govern. Is a sensible man, 0 0 = \-
ment at Pekin. Japan teas are now going up in favour.] But to mend China tea BY CHARLES G LELAND
THAT Heathen Chinee Is a tea.dious plan. B RE IG LEAN D
Is again doing wrong And, meanwhile, we J.'swho've been swindled, ("HANS BREITMANN ).
With the fragrant Bohea, Are tasting the teas of J-pan. 1 ow Ready.
Pekoe, Congo, Souchong, NIV ow R ead
And similar t itish THE RIVER OF LIFE,
Have fondly imbibed for so long. ONE day some one was twitting Mr. Potts A LONDON STORY.
Ansarvr ,with his supposed habit of rising late. Said By OHN LATEY, un.,
And so a brave Hart the twitter, "Why, I was in the Hampstead By AOHN LATEY, Jun.,
(Which Sir Robert's his name) Ponds this morning at half-past four." Potts AUTHOR or Lovg CLOUDS."
Has seen fit to impart looked at him for some moments, and replied, FUN" OFFICE-
Hisdigu t FN O ICE

His disgust at the sne, "It's a pity you didn't stop there !" 153 FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C.

DON'T BE CHEATED! I
Y"EOU "JAMES' Cadbury's
S LEAD. PU RE AND

UBed i the Royal household 80LUBLE. C oc
No dust. or small articles fly alput to Injure Garments,
P-

SLASHES AND PUFFS.
HE CRITERION (Morn-
\PA j i ing). --The remorseless
I reduction to its elements
which a novel has to un-
W- dergo in the process of
preparation for the stage is
not by any means the kind
of ordeal the works of the
Erratic Ouida take to
Ij kindly. They are not very
S good novels, but they are
wofully bad plays. Their
strained sentimentality and
PARIS sham "life" appear in all
I200 the naive simplicity of their
naked comicality, and even
M. ML Mr. W. G. Wills' ex-
perience, backed by the
unusual privilege of the
authoress's special permis-
"\ sion, and the comparative
Sharmlessness of the story,
was not sufficient to enable
THE CRITBRION.-RBEBs'S GO.AS-YOU-rIBASE, him to make a good play
RACE. out of Two Little
Wooden Shoes." These
shoes are unlikely to be worn out by any running The Little Pilgrim
will indulge in.
Miss HUGHES, as the heroine, did not Miss Hughes her opportunity.
Her picture of innocent simplicity was very real and interestingly unlike
the "innocence" of the landlady's daughter in The Man With Three
Wives. I should think this young lady had a big future before her,
judging by her grasp of the subtle differences of similar characters. The
play ends, by-the-way, without very clearly defining the artless Bebe's fate.

A NEW one-act piece in blank verse followed. It is by Mr. A. C.
Calmour, the author of Love's Messenger, and called Love's Martyrdom.
It seemed to me that there was a certain dulness in the lines, but the
idea is decidedly dramatic and the piece is short-two prime merits. It
had the benefit of being played by Mr. H. B. Conway and Miss Dorothy
Dene, and there is no question that the benefit was considerable, al-
though the gentleman was unable to keep his hair on (losing his wig
in his dying struggles), and the lady had to commit suicide by sticking
herself violently in the chest with nothing.

THE STRAND, TOOLE'S, and THE OLYMPIC each opened with a fresh
programme on the same evening, but I've seen none of them yet, so I
am able to say, without the slightest bias, that they are respectively
good, middling, and inferior.
THE COMEDY.-Erminie has been revived here with most of the
original cast and all the original success. Miss St. John was never in

-y ^
THE COMEDY.-THE SNAPPER.UP OF TRIFLES-VERY SNAPPY.

better voice, Mr. Wyatt never more dapper, lengthy, agile, or insou-
ciant (if you will permit me), nor Mr. Paulton more funereal or success-
ful with the groundlings to whom he appeals. Mr. Bracy was in good

voice, too, and Miss Everleigh smart and attractive. Mr. Kaye and
Miss M. A. Victor supplied the fun, upon which Mr. P. Compton was
a very good damper. Miss Melnotte appears in the part formerly
played by Miss Kate Munroe, while Miss Minnie Bell takes the part of
Cerise-Cerise-ently played by the former. This opera is only put up
for a few weeks, previously to the departure of the company for the
country, but it ought to run all it's wanted to.

THE VAUDEVILLE (Morning).-The 'managers of Mr. Thomas
Whiffin's matinee knew their business, and gave Hazel Kirke every
chance. It had been properly rehearsed and honestly and well cast, so
that, whatever the verdict on the piece itself, the public (or, perhaps, to
prevent mistakes I should say the audience) had good acting, at least,
for their money (in as far as they had paid any money). Truth to tell,
the piece had to be given up very early in the game. It had been
hinted to us that much of the failure of Adonis was attributable to its
being (to us) an unrecognisable burlesque on Hazel Kirke. After seeing
Hazel Kirke, I think just what I thought before, that there is nothing
in it with which anyone with a decent experience of melodrama must
not long ago have acquainted himself.

THE acting is, however, another matter, and served, in some instances
to make a theatrical performance on a hot July afternoon actually en-
joyable. Mr. Whiffin it is not easy to judge; he may be a good actor,
but the part of Pittacuss Green is an irritating one, with its ineffectual
straining after humour, and it is uncompensated-for prominence, so that
one is only comfortable in his absence-which was perhaps hard upon
Mr. Whiffin. The refined vigour and finish of Mr. Fernandez was never
better displayed than in the not very probable character of the stern
parent, and 'Miss Millward established
her claim to a very prominent position in
the theatrical firmament by the assured
truth of her impersonation of the (as usual)
preternaturally badly used heroine.
THE SAVOY.-A second view of The /
Mikado, which I had the other night, more /,
than fifteen months after the first, fostered 2
no other feeling than a desire to see it for
the third time, which I propose to do some-
where about fifteen months in the future.
There is very little sign of the long run in
the way it is played-the business being
as neat and fresh as ever, with the excep-
tion of the sprawling absurdities indulged
in by Messrs. Barrington and Grossmith
in the scene with the Mikado-it is out
of character with the piece. By-the-way,
this is another good theatre for the hot
weather. I was as cool as a cucumber all
the time, in spite of the continued exertion
of laughing.
STEINWAY HALL.-I'm afraid I don't THE SAVOY.-JuST THE THEA-
care twopence for the objects of the Richard TRE FOR TE HOT EIATHER
-LOOK AT THIS SCHOOLL
Wagner Society, but I always like to hear GIRL.
Miss Alma Murray recite. She recited last
week at this hall for the benefit of that Society, and her efforts had
all the delicate excellence and subtle appreciation of her author which
distinguishes her. But I'm glad she is to play at Drury Lane in the
autumn. I'm tired of seeing her wasting her histrionic sweetness on the
desert air of these amateur arrangements.

NODS AND WINKS.-The Bells and Raising the Wind, for the bene-
fit of the Actors' Benevolent Fund, will be given at the Lyceum on the
24th inst. As Mr. Irving will play Mathias and Jeremy Diddler (the
latter one of his best performances yet, I think), and Miss Ellen Terry
will appear as Peggy in the farce, I don't think more need be said; for,
I suppose, no one needs informing of the excellent character, use, and
administration of the fund.-Mr. Wilson Barrett's farewell performance,
previous to his departure to America, takes place on the previous Thurs-
day, so "give him a bumper at parting."-Mr. H. Walsham has been
engaged for the tenor part in Frivoli. This is a vast improvement, but
all will not be done until a new author and a new "minstrel" are pro-
vided.-Messrs. G. Manville Fenn and J. Darnley are engaged upon a
three-act farcical comedy, called The Barrister, which will shortly see
the light and set us all splitting our sides, I know.--The Schoolmistress
completed her hundredth performance on Wednesday last, and is now
going merrily on to the next term." NESTOR.

THE most appropriate dish for an electioneering feed.-" Canvas
back duck."

"'Most done with FuN,sir?" I say sir, are you ever going to let me You've kept FUN' exactly an hour, sir and
have FUN confound it, I'll have It now!"
.. I -

"No, you don't, sir 1" And then heir feelings became too strong for Result-both chucked. (N.B.-There was "a trifle
further words, to pay for broken glass.")

SONGS OF THE WATERING- You recollect her ?-Well, Come down to Dover, dear-come down to
PLACES. She's had an offer !- Dover !-
Man with a title, too- Albion's cliffs, &c.
No. III.-DOVER. Person, I fancy, you
COME down to Dover, dear-come down to Might call a toffer Come down to Dover, dear-I'll not neglect
Dover !- Come down to Dover, dear-come down to you I
Albion's cliffs so fait Dover !- Pa and mamma are here,
Glow in the summer air- Albion's cliffs, &c. So that you need not fear
Sunshades repel the glare- I'm not looked after, dear-
Come down to Dover l- Come down to Dover, dear. We've had such T/tat shan't deject you.
Come drink the channel breeze, scandal Bring me a new blue sash,
Better than s.-and-b.'s I- ust as Iveoften said Ditto gloves (long) and cash-
We'll not "cross over. That Mrs. Rosenred, I shall expect you !
Who so high held her head, Come down to Dover, dear-come down to
Come down to Dover, dear-where I'm en. Gone off with Randal I- Dover 1-
joying, Rosenred, with a knife, Albion's cliffs, &c.
Trust me, no end of fun ; Vows he'll take Randal's life-
Feeling, dear, quite A One, He's such a Vandal!
Plump as a fresh-baked bun- Come down to Dover, dear-come down to o
All day employing; Dover !- Octavius Ebenezer Potts.
Such sights to make me laugh!- Albion's cliffs, &c. HIS FILOSOPHY.-BUBBLES.
Such sea-sick frights to chaff- -
Nothing anno ing I Come down to Dover, dear-you'll be de. I CAN put up with a bit of insivility from a
Come down to Dover, dear-come down to lighted I- ahop if it iz the only one where I can obtain
Dover !- Soldiers-both short and tall, what I rekwire.
Albion's cliffs, &c Sailors-in trousers small- One of the most yewsful men in the kommu-
SDarlings, dear, one and all I- nity iz he who brings the byer tew the seller.
Come down to Dover, dear-you're such a Fishing-boat sighted !- Try and make not yewr failures, but yewr
scoffer- Dover's the place, you know, sukcesses, the milestones of yewr life.
Else I've some news to tell Where for soles people go- I dew not so much mind seeing any one
That poor Miss Nancy Bell- Fried, dear-not blighted, wearing ole klose, but they must be kut well.

1i4 FU N.o JULY 14, 1886.

QUITE UNACCOUNTABLE!

The last time but one that we saw the Intelligent Farmer, he was jubilant and knowing. "I know all about farming. I've killed all the birds, an' all the moles, an'
all the hejjogs, an' everything ; and you see if my crops aren't all right in future."

And it so happened that, as we were strolling away, we met a great concourse of insects. "Beg pardon," they said; 'but could you direct us to Farmer Blunder-
barn's ? We want to thank him for his kindness in killing all the birds and hedgehogs, and so on, in our interest; and to tell him how wonderfully we are thriving
now, and what justice we shall do to his crops."

And, strange to say, the last time we saw the Intelligent Farmer he seemed disappointed. "Can't make it out I" said he. Blarmed if the woire-worm and things
ain't 'et up every blessed thing, in spite o' my killing' all them birds an' things. There ain't a thing left. What's the good of a man's efforts ?" We admitted that a
man's efforts weren't much good unless backed by at least as much intelligence as that of the ordinary pig.

I UITN -JULY 14, x886.

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"THE SEPARATISTS."

"SHOULD AULD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT?"

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6 IF TJN JULY 14, 886.

LINES OF BATTLE;
OR, A DISMAL POSSIBILITY OF THE NEAR FUTURE.
PRELUDE.
JONES. Oh, Smith! Oh, Brown! Poor dear Robinson! I met
him- alas who can doubt that it was for the last, last time ?-but a
few moments ago. He was proceeding toward the Met-
SMITH. No, no Unsay the words; they are too full of horrible
augury and premonition of evil. I have hated Robinson for years; to
me his name brought no thought of affection, no idea of regard; to this
day he owes me the two pounds ten for which he doth deny the liability.
I have cursed him not infrequently, yet do I shudder at the awful fate
in store for him.
BROWN. Nor was the name of Robinson dearer to me; but I would
save him now. Know ye for certain that he purposed to travel by-
J. But too surely. I reasoned with him-clasped his headstrong
knees in the public thoroughfare-entreated him, for the sake of his wife
and little ones, to abandon the insane notion and take the 'bus. But he
would not-declared he must keep an important business engagement
at South Kensington station-the place where one alights for the Indian
and Colonial Exhibit-
B. and S. We know the spot but too well.
J. Brown! Smith! We are gifted with human pity. Let us
breathe no word of all this to his poor wife. Stay-let us go to the
doors-not beyond:the doors-of the stations on those fatal lines and
inquire concerning him. Perchance some faint traces of the unhappy
man may yet remain-perchance it may not be too late.
*
B. We will. There is Earl's Court; let us be wary not to pass within
its portals; let us address this official through the knot-hole in the door.
See, he eyes us as if thirsting for our blood. What ho sir collector;
have ye seen aught of Robinson? He took a ticket-ha what is this
blood-stain in the booking-office? Can it be poor Robinson's?
COLLECTOR. Not so; 'tis but the outcome of a fierce affray between
the chairmen of the rival companies; this time our District chairman
well-nigh slew him of the Metropolitan, and forced him to retreat in his
own rolling-stock. But of this your Robinson-what ticket had he ?
J. I heard him speak of purchasing a ticket by the District. (Aside.)
Ha see how his eye doth soften towards us at the words.
COL. I know him then. I did defend him against seven of the
Metropolitan caitiffs; but after three hours they did wrench him from
me, and carried him away in chains. Should they discover upon him
that ticket of our company, I fear me ye will not see him more.
J. Alas !-but let us steel ourselves, and try again. See, here is
Baker Street, and yet again an official.
OFFICIAL. Ask ye of Robinson? How? Say ye he was yon mis-
creant bearing a ticket of the District line ?
J. How my blood curdles at the cloud of malignity that has come
over the fellow's countenance at my words I See-he is about to spring
upon us! How he hisses out his words!
OFF. Isaw your Robinson. With mine own hand I plucked out his
false teeth, and ground them beneath my heel. See-there is their

dust. Another of our trusty M. R. C. fellows did tear away his traitor-
ous cravat and rend it into fragments; while yet a third did stamp upon
his bunions, not once, but many times, and with much weight. They
have dragged your Robinson, the District protege, to our board-room,
where the secret council-Ha ha ye curl with horror now, and
your blood runs cold in your veins. Are ye accomplices of the hated
M.D. R.C.? Say!
J., B., andS. No, no, fair sir. We do assure you we are all in
favour of your goodly M. R. C., and wish it well.
OFF. I do misdoubt me of your honesty. Take ye a ticket by our
line to prove your words.

J., B., and S. Oh, that we will with pleasure. But, ah, say,
to reach this place named upon it, must we not pass the dreaded con-
fines of the D. R. C. ?
OFF. Ye must. It is for this I give it ye. Your usage will serve us
as yet another pretext for revenge.

J., B., and S. Alas See, an M. D. R. official approaches us, tor-
ture implements in hand. Oh, kindly sir-we crave- Ha we are
bound, gagged-hurried away into the darksome tunnel See-see-
what is yon black and awful structure? Can it be the stake erected for
poor Robinson? The official's dreadful eye gloats as he looks upon it!
It is It is Ah, poor, poor Robinson But see-hope
dawns at length. In two great armed companies the rival lines draw
together, their chairmen and directors at their head. Hark the ringing
clash of deadly strife; and now nought is left but a little splintered
rolling-stock. Let us away from these awful depths. Ha !-here is
Robinson.

Measles la Mode.
(TREATING OF THOSE WHO TAKE 'EM (M)EASILY.)
[Judging from society organ, it would seem that Measles are fashionable just now.
In fact, everybody (who is anybody at all) is going in for them, for Measles are
reckoned good style."]
Lo, various fashions appear in our day,
And some of the same
Respectfulness claim,
And some, on the other hand, cause us dismay.
We have fashion in dress (this but lasts for awhile),
But the most recent fad
Which Fashion has "had,"
Is Measles-for Measles is reckoned good style.
It is reckoned the thing in all houses of note,
Where worship's bestowed
On affairs a la mode,
That praise to St. Measle all now should devote.
Yea, people of rank (not the rank and the file)
Have all now on view
A Measle or two-
For Measles are nowadays reckoned good style !
After this we may look to find Mayfair's swell code
Make it "fashion," forsooth,
To be cutting a tooth,
Or to put on a nettle rash, quite a la mode.
But, meanwhile, their leisure "swells" sweetly beguile
By paying big fees
To famous M.D.'s
To treat them for Measles, because it's "good style."

Not Too(th)thin.
(BY MRS. FUN'S CHIEF LADY'S MAID.)
THE most distinctly precious teeth-preserving preparation
My Mistress e'er hath used and never had to look most grave on-
Is that called Savon Dentifrice (excuse pronunciation),
'Cause 'tis a splendid article she easily can Sav(e)-on !

ONE day a very seedy-looking individual was arguing against the
Government on the top of a 'bus. If I was a soldier," he held forth,
" I should be ashamed of the coat on my back." Mr. Potts eyed him
superciliously, and observed with due sarcastic effect, Well, you might
be that nowu."

I

3 l JULY 14, 1886. FITJ 17

"The Separatists."
(SEE CARTOON.)
HEIGHO !
Here's a pretty go !
Dear old Mr. Bright
Thinks he's in the right;
Mr. Gladstone, too,
Holds the self-same view
Of his own connection
With the great Election:
But they don't agree,
Anyone can see;
And they won't combine,
Spite of Auld Lang Syne.
Forcibly they spout,
Letters fly about,
Strong insinuations,
Grave recriminations.
While they write or speak
Compliments oblique,
Underneath them lies-
Patent to all eyes-
Rather a hot feeling
Which there's no concealing,
And which might (unless it
Warned them to suppress it)
Culminate in strife
To embitter life.
Old friends shouldn't quarrel-
Clearly that's a moral-
Otherwise to-day
People wouldn't say,
"Here's a pretty go !
Heigho !"

DOTS BY THE WAY.
WHICH SIDE WINS?
THEY near the goal, the strong men pull;
Pull with a will, all eyes are watching,
The tide is running fast and full,
The 'vantage stroke now each are snatching.
Shall Salisbury or Gladstone win? *
Shall Paddy Whack, or men of Ulster?
Each party joins the deafening din
Which now the strongest crew can muster.
Pull north !-pull south !-away they go,
Pull for the right with all your striving;
Whichever way the stream may flow-
Whichever way the crowd is driving-
Pull for the right, for hard the strain
Each champion now with might contending,
Whiche'er the winning-post shall gain
Must quick the broken bonds be mending.
Some good and true have won the day,
While some have lost through foolish steer-
ing,
And some will have the cost to pay
Through vain conceit and proud careering.
But which shall win, or which may lose,
Which strike their flag while t'other's flying,
The right course let the winner choose,
Nor to the vanquished zeal denying.
In the Interval between writing and publishing, this
question, we regret to say, has become superfluous.-
lED.]
Union is Strength.
O, MR. GLADSTONE, Mr. Gladstone, O,
In plainer words, pray let your country know
That you, as we,
Will never be
A party to Old England's shattering,
Her great ingather'd powers scattering !
Around you see what comes of separation,"
And guard the Oneness of the British nation.
Give Ireland justice, yes-
But Britain claims no less:
Ask not that she her ancient attitude
And strength shall owe to Irish gratitude.

-;C

THE GRAND OLD SINDBAD.
"HE CLUNG TO ME AND GRIPPED MY NECK WITH HIS LEGS TILL I WAS WELL
NIGH CHOKED. THE WORLD GREW BLACK IN MY SIGHT, AND I FELL SENSE.
LESS TO THE GROUND, LIKE ONE DEAD." -See Gladstone's Liverpool Spfeeck.

Men and Things.
THE drivers of watering-carts are a very speculative class of men. How can they be otherwise,
seeing they are always "laying the dust"?
Cricketers are a very unsuccessful class of people : often, indeed, in their lives they are slumped.
Coal miners are very versatile : as a rule they cannot help being so, as they are continually
getting into a new vein.
Dogs are treated now as though they possessed no fine sense of feeling-as inanimate
objects. So they are; they are now lead.

~sf~5~,

IFUN.

JULY I4, I886.

SPORTING NOTES, BY ONE THAT KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT IT.

"THE ROWLEY MILE." "CORDON BLEU."

THE dancing dervishes of Algiers must have pretty strong digestions.
A short while back a party of them made a hearty meal of rusty nails,
stones, red-hot cinders, prickly cacti, and live scorpions. They were
labouring under a severe attack of religious frenzy at the time, of
course. It is reported that they suffered slightly from nausea next
morning, though; and required two or three African pick-me-ups, before
they could rise and go through any more terpsichorean and gastronomic
feats.

A YOUNGSTER who was requested by a Board School examiner to
write down his duty towards his neighbour, penned, "My duty towards

Draygon; and bear no manners or 'atred in my art." The head master
said that a breath of fresh air would clear the lad's brain, so he sent
him round to the oilman's to purchase a couple of penny canes.

A PLEASANT PROSPECT FOR THE YOUNGSTERS.]
Poor Relation (who has undertaken to board two hearty children for
a couple of months at a reduced price).-" So you've been catching
mussels again, boiling them yourselves in my little tin-kettle, and
eating them greedily, have you? Very well, my little dears, as you
like mussels so much, you shan't have anything else for dinner all the
rest of the time you're down here. There now !"

Wanted.
SHOULD a generous relation in an elevated station
Deem it worth his occupation, whilst in giving up the ghost,
To insert my name in writing in his precious will, requiting
In a manner quite inviting, just a thousand at the most,
I would quit this bare existence, which is garnished with assistance,
And retire to a distance, and forget my many woes;
For I'm not above confessing that my debts are somewhat pressing,
And a thousand is a blessing to a fellow, goodness knows 1
I would cease to be beholden to the triple sign that's golden-
I would forcibly embolden all the very best decrees;
Folks would have no cause to grumble, for I own I'd quickly tumble
To behaviour quite as humble as the humblest of bees.
Sure as sunshine follows shower, I'd improve the shining hour,
Were the chance within my power, but unluckily it's not.
Since I have no rich relation in an elevated station,
I must put down expectation, and must put up with my lot.

Epigram.
[The Duke of Edinburgh, as President, has presented Madame Trebelli with the
badge of the Royal Amateur Orchestral Society, and begs that she will wear it when-
ever she attends the society's concerts. This badge is a small gold brooch in the
shape of a crown.]
MusIc, sweet maid, to soothe the savage breast
Of arts most pure, most heavenly, and blest;
Trebelli, queen of melody endearing,
Thou hast the brooch, and thou art worth the hearing .

New Leaves.
"MRS. Brown on Home Rule," by Arthur Sketchley (George
Routledge and Sons). The quaint commingling of wit, wisdom, and
genial good nature, so characteristic of Mrs. Brown's observations and
remarks on all manner of subjects, which found their outlet so freely in
the early volumes of this journal (FUN) are fully exemplified in
"Home Rule."-" The Advertiser's Guardian," by Louis Collins (Louis
Collins). Much valuable information and useful advice will be found in
these pages, which advertisers will find to their advantage in consulting.
-"The Colonial and Indian Exhibition Railway Guide and Route
Book" (William Clowes and Sons, Limited), contains all, or nearly
all, needful to be known by visitors-about how to get there or away
again-and what there is to be seen.-" The Illustrated Catalogue of
the Royal Society of Painters," in water colours, Summer Exhibition,
i886, contains carefully executed sketches from about 80 of the
pictures. This selection, if not all the finest pictures in the Gallery,
will be the best remembered "by the book."-"The Tricycle and Tri-
cycling," by B. (George Routledge and Sons). This is a nice little hand.
book, containing many valuable hints of practical use to the cyclist.

KNICKNAOKS.
AN eccentric man recently appeared at Craigcrook Quarry, near
Blackhall, and built himself a hut with bits of trees, wire, sheet-iron,
stones, turf, rags, bones,
and ferns. His dwell-
ing-place has a fire-
place and chimney-
the latter being formed
of bottomless zincpails.
He was interviewed by
an inquisitive journalist
the other day, who
reports that the eccen-
tric's food consists of
dead cats and dogs,
which he picks up on
the beach and cures by
a patent process of his
own; and that he pur-
poses carrying on an
electric skinning and
e/ dressing business at
his establishment. The
S eccentric also informed
the reporter that he
hoped to float his
scheme in the form of
a limited company, and that though only partially developed at present,
he has every confidence in its ultimate success. His manner towards
the man of letters was most cordial; he offered him pinches of snuff at
intervals of two minutes ; begged him to accept the post of secretary to
the company in embryo; and craved to make him a present of a very
choice brush and comb, which formerly belonged to O'Donovan Rossa,
the Irish patriot." The intended gift was declined with thanks, and
when the public company promoter insisted on combing and brushing
the reporter's hair, he skipped the ranch with marvellous agility. It is
generally supposed that the eccentric's project will be thwarted by the
sanitary inspectors of his district.

THAT industrious, hard up, but healthy little plumber who woke up
one morning to find himself the possessor of the great Morgan estate,
representing I,ooo,ooo dols., has become a confirmed hypochondriac,
and spends most of his time in making dead reckonings of what his
funeral expenses will come to, and talking of the weight of lead his coffin
will take.

THE other night a magnificent fox got into a pen containing seven
ewes and twelve lambs. The ewes attacked the predatory intruder,
breaking several of his ribs, and wounding him so severely that he
was unable to escape. On a gentle shepherd discovering his lament-
able condition in the morning, it was found necessary to shoot poor
Reynard. Several noted fox-hunters attended his funeral with tears in
their eyes, and crape on their left arms, and a tombstone is to be erected
to his memory, recording his sad fate.

A LARGE number of unmarried American ladies contemplate scouring
Europe in search of eligible French counts, German barons, and Italian
princes. Each company will number from sixty to eighty marriageable
spinsters and affluent widows, under the command of a matronly man-
stalking old match-maker of vast experience, whose fees are moderate.

A FAIR but blighted being tried to obtain iv5oo damages from a fickle
swain who promised her marriage some thirty years ago-just about the
time that our Queen and the Prince Consort went over to Paris, and
attended the International Exhibition held there. The happy married
life of the august pair was one incentive to the gentleman's desire to
enter into the bonds of matrimony. However, after a very lengthy
courtship, trivial disputes arose on social and domestic subjects. The
relative merits of shrimps and radishes, and periwinkles and spring
onions for tea were argued over with almost political rancour. At last
things came to a climax, and the fickle swain declared off; hence the
action at law. The astute judge, who listened patiently to both sides
of the vexed question, hinted that women, shrimps, radishes, and spring
onions are dangerous ware; and then he dismissed the case, consoling
the plaintiff with the factthat the defendant had married another lady,
who had also brought an action for breach of promise against him, and
recovered substantial damages.

THE following dialogue has been given us as a fact. We won't vouch
for its truth, though :-" Give me half a gallon of milk at threepence a
quart as quick as you can," said a casual customer to a dairyman.
" Ain't got any ready at less than fourpence, marm-but I won't be
half a minute making you some," replied the obliging milk-vendor.

TURF CUTTINGS.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,-How that artist of yours must have ground his teeth when his
"Sketches in June" came out! I dare say it was all right when he drew
it, but it was a broiler and no mistake on publication day, and it's been
broiling ever since, so that we are all pretty well done on both sides.
His hot chestnuts, whisky, respirators, &c., were all extremely funny,
Sir, extremely funny, but they just missed fire, and that's all about it.
That only shows the danger of prophecy in unaccustomed hands. Look
at me, and see how different the result; and, similarly, look at my
TIP FOR THE LIVERPOOL CUP.
Is there anybody wants to make a pile-make a pile?
Is there anybody wants to land a lot ?
I can give him hints conducive to a smile-to a smile.
I can give him some emphatically not!
There's a horse or two that's worthy of my voice-of my voice;
There's a horse or two that isn't, I may say.
We'll have to be judicious in our choice-in our choice,
And, when we've made it, go and peg away.
There's a very decent animal The Bard-'mal The Bard;
But I think he'll only get a place, at most-
To win with Eastern Emperor is hard-'ror is hard-
But he'll win if he runs fairly for the post.
There's another, though, will come upon the scene-'on the scene,
And may alter the complexion of affairs.
Need I say that I'm alluding to Kilcreene-to Kilcreene ?
And you mustn't let it take you unawares.

Perdita II. may look to make a score-make a score
(But I'm not that way of thinking, it you ask);
And some, no doubt, will favour Cambusmore-Cambusmoee,
Who is not exactly fitted for the task.
Conservator is also in the swim-in the swim
(Though I don't expect to find him to the fore),
In fact, without attending much to him-much to him,
I think I'll stick to Eastern Emperor.
If this doesn't beat your artist into a cocked-hat never trust me any
more. By-the-way, look out for the Eclipse Stakes' tip next week; I
have a good thing. But I don't mean to part with it under a house in
town and an income to support it. Yours, &c.,
TROPHONIUS.

A Distinguished Guest Guest Wrongly.
TAKING advantage evidently of the free and independent Mr. FUN
going off to record his votes for his various mansions, a certain verse-
compounder, writing in his columns last week a skit on Mr. J. C. Robin-
son, entitled "A Water-Colour-able Imitation," attributed the work
he parodied to "our distinguished guest, Oliver Wendell Holmes."
Now, as all the world and his wife (not to mention his family) know,
the poem with the refrain "John P. Robinson, He," &c., was written
by James Russell Lowell, Our contributor's excuse is that he (also in
the whirl of political excitement) mistook one distinguished American
guest for another. And so we have promised to forgive him when he
comes out of the Tower, to which we have committed him for a term of
years. (Signed) FUN.

t To CORRIESPONDENTS.--T4 Editor aos not ina himtse/f to acknowledge, return, or Pay for Contribntions. In no case wili they be returned uni'ss
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.

"Ketch 'em all Alive!" PRI(O, ONE SHILLING; Post-free, Is. 2d. PRICE, ONE SHILLING; Post-free, is. 2d.
O, ORPHEUS, kindly tune thy lyre- 7UST OUT. 7UST OUT.
Although its strings are only five-T
Although r in ohlyve- SNOOPING-, THE RIVER OF LIFE,
To something infinitely higher S qP THE RIVER OF LIFE,
Than "Ketch 'em all alive, alive !" BY CHARLES G. LELAND A LONDON STORY.
The summer now is scarcely dawning, ("HANS BREITMANN "). By JOHN LATEY, Jun.
And yet a certain class contrive "The tractate is made up of highly amusing anecdotes, "An exciting tale, in which animated descriptions cf
To pass away the night and morning and the narratives constitute something like a hundred dramatic and sporting scenes are interwoven with an
By shooting "Ketch 'em all aliv and seventy pages of very pleasant reading, and is in ingenious plot."-Daily News.
y shouting Ketch all alive every way a ceap shiingswort of popular literature." The changes are rung on love, revenge, and sensa-
-Brighton Guardian, tion, skilfully enough to mitigate the tediousness of a
There's not a fly, a wasp, a beetle, Is excessively amusing by its keen satire."-Peter- railway journey."-Morning Post.
Or bumble-bee in house or hive, borough Advertiser. "It is a well-written and well-constructed book."-
That has a thought, however leetle, An amusing collection of comic essays."-Yorks/ir, Sforting Times.
Of being caught alive, alive Gazette. Mr. Latey puts into one short volume as much sen-
Sbeg caught ave, alive Snoopers cannot do better than read, mark, learn, station as would suffice for two or three long novels."-
and inwardly digest Mr. Leland's good-humoured chas- Weekly Dispatch.
So let them live to know their mothers- tisements of their foibles."-Islington Gazette. "Is full of spirited incident."-Peterborough Adver-
So let them live and let them thrive; tser.
We'll leave the butchery to others "FUN" OFFICE- FUN OFFICE-
Who like to Ketch 'em all alive !" 153 FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C. 53 FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C.

SLASHES AND PUFFS.
THE NOVELTY.-This theatre is becoming a little confusing. I was
under the impression that it had started on a useful career as a home for

Criti.--"BLESS ME, MY DEAR! IS THIS AN AMATEUR AFFAIR, OR NOr?"
Young Person-" I DON'T KNOW, SIR. PROGRAMMES, SIXPENCE."

amateurs-that is to say, as a place of entertainment for amateur per-
formances, and not an "almshouse" or "refuge" (in a relieving-house
sense). But several performances of a professional nature have already
taken place, and several more are to do so; and altogether, if one is not
very careful, it is not easy to distinguish what is amateur and what is
professional. Already I have received the rude shock of a correction
(received, I am sorry to say, too late for earlier acknowledgment than
this). It appears Miss Walters's opera, produced here last Wednesday,
is not an amateur work, as I had permitted myself to describe it, but a
full-blooded professional production interpreted by professionals. I be-
lieve Messrs. Nathan are making wise use of their property; but, as I
said before, it's a little confusing.

UNDER the circumstances, there was something characteristic in the
cast of The Ticket of Leave Man, as played here for three nights,
" with Miss Jennie Lee as Sam Willoughby, for the first time in
London." It was by no means easy to divest one's self of the idea
that many of the performers were amateurs, and it was by no means
easy to see which were amateurs and which professionals with any cer-
tainty. Some of the professionals (if they were professionals) were fully
qualified, as far as apparent experience went, to be called amateurs.
Mr. Lewis, whose Bob Brierly was a really very meritorious performance,
showed some crudities which might lead one to suppose him an amateur,
only I have seen professionals with worse. Mr. Burnett one knows, of
course, as a "pro," and he played the not difficult part of Hawkshaw
with probable satisfaction to himself and to all men. Mr. Soutar, again,
could hardly be mistaken for an amateur, and that imbecile chuckle
which he originally gave to Green Jones was as comical as ever. Miss
Lee's Sam was a disappointment; in fact it was quite disconcerting in
its exaggeration, misconception, and obtrusiveness. Mr. J. H. Denny's
Dalton was a praiseworthy effort. But whether the rest of the cast
were professional or amateur I don't know, and-really it doesn't much
matter, perhaps.

THE GAIETY-(llforning).-As there was a "farcical comedy"
down for representation here one morning last week, I suppose that it
was part of the joke that several members of the press found themselves
in the possession of tickets for stalls which existed only in the lively
imagination of the facetious acting manager for the occasion. Your
own noticerr" was one of the victims, and a relegation to Box 13,"
already a good deal in occupation, scarcely improved matters as far as
he was concerned. However, there being several empty stalls around,
your representative took the liberty of filling one after the first act.

I'M afraid this joke was, after all, the only one to be seen about that
afternoon. The "farcical comedy"-Jones's Notes, it was called, by
the way, written by Mr. Joseph Tabrar-was but poor stuff, and gave
but too good a chance for the derision of a portion of the audience,
which had evidently come on disturbance bent. There were several
noble sentiments enunciated, and these were applauded with derisive
fervour, some whimsicality being given to the affair by the obvious
belief in the sincerity of this demonstration shown by several of the
performers. One young lady, in particular, representing a "music-hall
artiste," had some noble sentiments to deliver in defence of her

profession, which she spoke with the enthusiasm of an apostle, and the
dignity of outraged innocence ; and when she said she was "an honour-
able member of an honourable profession" the sentiment was endorsed
with overwhelming heartiness, only too copious to be real.

THERE is but one fault in the piece-it is perfect nonsense. There is
apparently some joke intended by naming all the characters Jones, and
giving two pairs of them identical Christian names; but the characters
act solely by the author's will, and from no intelligible motive. It is
not well to dwell further on the piece, and the performers, under the
circumstances, may be let off without criticism, though they did not
appear to be extraordinarily talented. Exception may be made in the
cases of Mr. James Stevenson and Mr. G. B. Prior, who gave indications
of a certain broad sense of humour, which might have shone more
brilliantly under happier auspices.

NODS AND WINIKS.-Miss Eleanor Bufton takes a benefit at the
Vaudeville this very (Wednesday) afternoon; heaps of favourites are
assisting her, and good entertainment, as well as the satisfaction of
supporting an old favourite, may be obtained at prices to suit all classes.
Good gracious! how faithful I have been to the affection which I
conceived for the performer of the Black Knight in Ivan/oe, long, long
-at least, not so very long-ago I-The Novelty arrangements for
the rest of the month, as fixed so far, include a performance, this
afternoon, under the direction of Lady Ponsonby; A Scrap of Paper,
to-morrow evening, conducted by Mrs. Lennox Browne; and a marine,
on Saturday, of Engaoed, in which Mrs. Conyers D'Arcy will appear.-
The Slaviansky-d'Agreneff Russian choir appeared in splendid ancient

GAIETY.-CAN'T GET THE ELECTIONS OUT OF HER HEAD-SAYS
SHR'S AN "H'ONtII)IRARLE SIEMSShR."

and genuine historical costumes at Drury Lane, the other morning, before
the Prince and Princess of Wales and the Russian ambassador, but too
late for me to say more about it this week. NESTOR.

An Election Effusion.
WHEN the Free and Independent goes a voting-goes a voting,
He is very apt to make his presence felt;
And election-news is nowadays denoting-a denoting,
That a nasty knock to Gladstone he has dealt-
Amid the Separation dust, and smother-dusty smother,
The Unionists their task have bravely done,
Taking one consideration with another-with another,
They all wisely took the tip of Mr. FUN-wondrous FUN !
When preserving of the Empire's to be done-to be done,
It's always safe to follow Mr. FUN.
When Will Gladstone's not engaged in Separation-Separation,
When that Veteran's not revolving Home Rule plans,
His power for compelling admiration-admiration,
Is greater far than any other man's.
When the Parnellites but stuck to noise and bluster-noise and bluster,
The Electors all pooh-poohed it as mere fun;
But when Parnell for disunion goes a buster "-such a buster,
Then Electors' votes are apt his clique to stun-,
When upholding of the Union's to be done-quickly done,
Voters follow Britain's pride whose name is FUN.

1
.I-r,_~-c;rr*~-~-pn;iL------n*~.- .rrrr.-n~a~--~--~m

JULY 2, i886. o 23

ALIEN INTERFERENCE.

"What Oi ses is, What right has an alien to interfere in governing' another nationality, bedad 1' That's what Oi thinks. An' Oi happened to get to Chelsea or
somewhere passing' through; and ses Oi to a voter:-' Oi fancy Oi'd like a Rossaite member to be returned for Chelsea; will you vote for 'imr' And the divil of a
Chelseaite alien ses 'No ;' so I jest dhrops my pot at his hidd, and laves in disgust."

J.
tl 1.-, 1..!.-- II' I I I
1 u ,,-_h ,

4bi __- ,- ,\... ... .

"And whin Oi appales to the magistrate, he ses, 'Have you a vote for Chelsea?' And Oi ses, 'Vote? Can't a thorough-bred Oirishman have any member he
places returned anywhere without nadin' avoteT Why wouldn't an Oirish bhoy settle things jest as he places anywhere?' But all this has nothing' to do with me
point, which is, What right has an alien to interfere-and so on?'"

i]FUN.-JULY 21, x886.

i~ba '"
-, J
\~sr~. Ic
~--- 'o--
3
,I,

p~i~,~

"SYMPATHY."
WITH OUR COMPLIMENTS AND APOLOGIES TO MR. BRITON RIVIERE, R.A., AND MESSRS. THOMAS AGNEW
AND SONS, THE PUBLISHERS OF THE WELL-KNOWN PRINT.

IF I T N ,-JULY 21, x886.

THE RETURN HOME.

"MR. GLADSTONE IS

IN EXCELLENT HEALTH AND SPIRITS.
--Vide Daily Papers.

I ,--

26 FU N. JULY 21, 1886.

THE VESTRYMAN'S FRIEND C-.
SELF-SACRIFICE is a beautiful thing; and unselfish friendship makes
us turn with a
shudder from
the contempla-
tion of the baser
impulses.
The story of
the disinterested
V Il attachment of
( J our vestryman
for his friend
C- is an epi-
sode to cut the
cynic's ground
from under him,
and give the
philanthropist a
new start.
We never
Should learn the
name of the ves-
tryman's friend,
or rather idol; for the devotion appeared to be like that of a faithful
dog. The vestryman always spoke of him merely as "my friend
C- ," or "that dear old C-." We gleaned, however, that the
vestryman's friend C- was a foreigner, and of Oriental origin.
It really brought the tears to one's eyes to see the simple devotion of
the vestryman to his idol; for his sake he was ready to make any sacri-
fice, and he made it.
The chief thing which drew our attention to this was the way he
managed our parochial affairs, particularly the dust. He made an
arrangement with the contractor by which the latter was to be paid twice
over out of the rates, but was not bound to take the slightest notice of
the dust; or, in fact, do anything whatever. Furthermore, the con-
tractor was to be rewarded with an extra bonus of twenty per cent, for
every month he left the dustholes unemptied, and an honorarium of ten
per cent. for every stench in the neighbourhood of a dwelling-house,
traceable to his neglect.
Our dust accumulated for about three years, there being a cholera-
scare during most of the time; then we applied finally to the vestryman
to know what he meant to do.
Nothing," replied the vestryman. "Any action on my part would
annoy my dear old C- And I'll tell you what; if any of you dares
to attempt to remove his own dust, I'll move the law, and the offender
will get seven years' penal servitude; so now."
"But what are we to do ? we asked.
"Do ? Catch all sorts of diseases from the stenches, to be sure. It
you really are anxious to please my friend C- "
"But we are not," we replied; "and look here, old fellow, we are
all awfully fond of you, and we are really afraid that this devotion of
yours to your friend C- will injure your own welfare. Really, if you
play this sort of game evilly-disposed persons will begin to fancy you
are insane, or an unchanged criminal-don't you see?"
We felt we ought to warn him, for we loved and felt for our vestry-
man-oh, so much I We were really grieved that his reputation should
suffer. We knew our power over him well enough; we knew that we
had only to give the vestryman due notice in writing that the dust had
not been removed for a space of seven years; whereupon, after the
notice had been in his hands for another three years, the law would
empower us to apply for permission to appeal for license to move for a
further notice to be sent to the vestryman; after which notice had been
in his hands for a further term of one year-and so on. But we hesitated
to wield this arbitrary and summary power against our favourite vestry-
man; so we contented ourselves with going home, opening our back
windows, and inhaling cubic yards of deadly effluvium. *
It was some twelve months after this, when the dust-heaps had
reached the roofs of our villas, and were constantly burying some un-
lucky ratepayer or other in a deadly avalanche, that there came a report
that the cholera had broken out in the parish. At that moment our
vestryman came along, looking very pale.
"How's your dear friend C-- ? we asked.
"C- !" yelled the vestryman. "Don't call him a friend of mine!
After all my devotion to him, to go and turn on me--me of all people
in the parish-like this Ooh I I feel so ill-why does he do it? He
was welcome to attack and carry off everybody in the blessed parish
except me; and now, if mine isn't the only authenticated case of true
Asiatic chol-"
We ratepayers put our heads together. "Asiatic chol- ?" we
murmured. "His friend C- of Oriental extraction? What did it

mean? Could there, indeed, be some strange and awful connection
between-?" Our brains ached with the exertion of thinking it out.
Then there came vague rumours that the vestryman had been heard to

murmur that he was "going away with that person C- and that it
wouldn't be worth while for 'em to sit up until he returned."
*
Our vestryman's was the only case in the parish. He was not missed.
We are free to clear our dustbins now. But the touching and pathetic
part of the story is the ingratitude of that party C- in turning on the
hand which had cherished him (or it). May he continue to confine his
attentions to his friends 1

A CORRESPONDENT with a quarrelsome stomach writes:-"Sir, I
dined at the Colonies on Friday, and my gorge still rises when I think
of the dinner that was put before me. To begin with, I was obliged
to dine, which fact alone was excessively annoying. It was Iobson's
choice. I was also compelled to ask my way before I could find a
dining-room. At last I arrived at a feeding place. Seated in an un-
comfortable chair, at least half an inch lower than the seat I am used
to at home, I had to wait quite one minute before a waiter would deign
to attend on me. After some trouble I induced the fellow to serve me
with turtle soup, stewed eels, lobster cutlets, shrimp-pancakes, oyster
patties, stewed sweetbreads, duck and green peas, saddle of mutton,
roast goose, gooseberry fool, cheesecakes, caviare on toast, and three
bottles of champagne. But would you believe it? I was positively
unable to procure hot buttered crumpets with my coffee. To my amaze-
ment Messrs. Spiers and Pond's manager actually expected me to pay
for my wretched meal-which I felt had disagreed with me-and I
was bullied into parting with a considerable sum of money. I had not
intended giving the waiter a tip, but there happened to be a battered
French bronze in the change, and this I permitted him to retain. In
an impertinently sarcastic manner he whispered, "Does your mother
know you're out?" I have been unwell and under my doctor's hands
ever since eating the above apology for a dinner, and am about to enter
an action against Messrs. Spiers and Pond to recover heavy damages
for the injuries my digestive organs have sustained through consuming
the viands (?) they supply. I am, sir, your obedient servant,
July I9th. THEODORE MUGWUMP."

A PERSON of haughty but alcoholic appearance was charged before
an East-End magistrate with tasting stimulants too freely on the
previous night; and with being very incapable in the streets. On
entering the court the prisoner observed, "I believe I'm accused of
being a bit blind last night ?" Quite right," replied the magistrate.
"The charge is perfectly correct," remarked the prisoner, with a con-
tented air, "and as I have no money you had better make it three days."
"Certainly," answered the magistrate, "with the greatest pleasure."
"Thanks !" warbled the prisoner. "Good afternoon, your worship.
It's excessively warm." Don't mention it, prisoner," said the magis-
trate. "Good afternoon. It is exceedingly close."

OH, THE LITTLE MINX!
Maude.-" Don't sit here all alone, Auntie. Come, let me intro-
duce you to some of my friends."
Auntie.-"Your friends would be far too flippant and familiar to
my taste, Maude. Remember, I am of a retiring, reserved nature."
Maude.-"Yes, I know, Auntie. Your manners are so reserved
that some people suspect you haven't any at all."

JULY 21, r886. FU N 27

Our Moral Selves. .
[Mr. Commissioner Kerr says that modern morality is, that "so long
as we are not found out we can do what we like."]
WE mortals, of course, are all mightily moral,
Of that there is not the least doubt;
We're not with the Decalogue likely to quarrel
So long as we've not been found out.
We're shocked when our friends ever happen to take
A trifle too much when they dine;
We vow that such things make our tender hearts ache,
For as vot'ries of virtue we shine.
ik
S If any one swear in our presence we sigh,- h le l
Such models of morals are we;
t. We never swear swears-when any one's by- I
Nor use amongst friends a big D.
If So-and-So names Messrs. Zola and Co.,
Our virtue's in great consternation;
Such writers we trust that we never shall know,
Except through a faithful translation.
At sight of a flirt we are dreadfully shocked,
We're modest as Mr. Jo Surface;
When fellows around her in dozens have flocked,
Our eyes we aren't lift up to her face.
In fact, it is dreadful when others indulge
In this wicked world's naughty riot;
We're "down" on them then; we don't, though, divulge
What we sometimes do-on the quiet.

Cha-green-ed.
THAT Ireland's pet name is the Green Isle
Is pretty well known, you'll allow;
That Ireland is scarce a serene isle
Is proved more than ever just now.
Still, certain M.P.s of that nation '
(At which land, bear in mind, we don't scoff),
Seemed to think they would get Separation,
But somehow it didn't come off. ART LESS
Did M.P.s of that seldom serene isle
Deem the rest of Great Britain a green" isle ? Tommy Tittlebat (who will always say such pretty things to ladies).-" AII
MIss SMITH, I DID NOT THINK WHEN I CAME OUT IN SEARCH OF THE
BEAUTIES OF NATURE THAT I SHOULD MEET ONE OF THE MOST FINISHED
WHAT ONE NEEDS AT WIMBLEDON.-A lively camp-anion. WORKS OF ART !"

TOO AWFUL! We do not clearly recollect what they were; but we fancy "the insertion
WE have given up reading the Lancet. We have made a great effort, of a piece of ice about the size of a turkey's egg behind the eyeball," the
and given it up in the nick of time. We are not quite a wreck, but "placing one's self, head downwards, in a cool ice machine, with the
almost. We feet a yard and a half above the nape of the neck, in boiling water," the
still hang to- "frequent fermentation of the skin under the armpits with oil of vitriol
Sg -gether by and cayenne pepper," and "abstention from all kinds of intoxicants,
threads, re- non-intoxicants, nutritive food, exercise, and recreation between sunrise
spiration being and sunset" were a few of them.
faintly percep- The Lancet has since taught us how to avert cholera, paralysis, moth,
-77 jitible at inter- mildew, blind-staggers, stiffness of the joints, tic in sheep, the phylloxera,
/ vals, and the insanity, and other evils. By sedulously striving to induce an attack of
r- n pulse intermit- all these things, we are slowly restoring ourselves to consciousness; but
Stent. we shall never be the comic journalist we were.
The Lancet
did not suit us.
One of its New Leaves.
late articles was WE constantly sing praises of the beauties in the American magazines,
about sun The Century and St. Nicholas, and do not this month lessen our voice,
stroke. It but we must speak quite as loudly of our English, Illustrated for its
S~ taught you how remarkable merits.-The ordinary number of Household Words is
to avoid sun- always full.-The Summer Number of the same journal is highly com-
stroke; and, as mendable.-The readers of the Manchester Quarterly will find pleasure
we glance fear- in the illustrated article on Randolph Caldecott.-Thousands will take
fully back over the opportunity of indulging in the pleasures of The Table, a new weekly
the horrors inseparable from that avoidance, we wish-ah with what journal, for the good things it prepares.- The Leisure Hour, Sunday
an agony of yearning and vain regret we wish-that we had rather tried at Home, The Boy's Own Paper, and the Girl's Own Paper, each and
to achieve sunstroke all, provide plentifully for their readers.-Since our last mention we
We tried the cooling beverage the Lancet prescribed. We took a have received of Routledge and Sons' Pocket Library, Lord Lytton's
teaspoonful of marmalade, and poured upon it a quart of boiling water. extraordinary, but not very lively work, "The Coming Race," and
No, it was not nasty. Nasty" is a good word, but not of the required James Russell Lowell's, quite as extraordinary, but very lively, "Biglow
strength. If you took a millionth part of a teaspoonful of the word that Papers," of their World Library.-" The Professor at the Breakfast
would adequately describe that drink, and poured upon it twenty million Table," by Wendell Holmes, Archibald Forbes' "Chinese Gordon,"
quarts of boiling water, the strength of the mixture would be that of the "The Travels of Dr. Livingstone," and (choice selections from) "The
word "nasty." Then we tried the other precautions against sunstroke. Spectator."

YARNS BY A SEA-SIDE SAILOR.
KNOT THE FIRST.-THE MARINER OF MARGATE.
THE Grande Duchesse of Gerolstein doted on the military. Matilda
Moggridge was equally mashed on the mercantile marine. Marryat was
her pet novelist-Dibdin her favourite poet.
Lorenzo Longshore was a landsman, but he loved Matilda. His
nautical knowledge and propensities, however, were sufficiently small to
have qualified him for the First Lordship of the Admiralty, and to dis-
qualify him for the hand of his beloved, who declared that she could
never be the mate of any but a skipper, and declined to embark with
him on an uncongenial courtship.
Matilda was passionately fond of Margate: they called her the Hoy-
den of the place. Other maids might love to languish in rose-grown
arbours; she preferred the sea-weedy harbour. Others might affect the
sage green intense ; she preferred the jetty extension. Lorenzo followed
in her wake, but she disregarded his tears, intent only upon the briny.
It was on the West Cliff that Matilda first met Thomas Bowling
Baggs. The moment she beheld him her fluttering heart named him
as the man of her choice. He was every inch a sailor. His serge
trousers were the widest, and the gilt buttons on his pea-jacket the
largest, that Margate could boast. When he had finished sweeping the
horizon-I feel sure he swept it clean-with the telescope he carried, he
approached my heroine, and, sitting beside her, began to talk of the
wonders of the deep, to which she listened in deepest wonder. Lorenzo
Longshore, who sat on, or rather at, her other side, listened in dismay ;
while the intruder "shivered his timbers" in a matchless manner, and
" vasted heaving" in a tone that told of vast experience. Captain
Bowling Baggs-for that he declared was his rank-had apparently
covered the globe. Poor Lorenzo, with shame, hid his face in his Daily
Telegraph. He declared he had crossed the line a hundred times, while

Lorenzo's experience was limited to being fined twenty shillings for
crossing the London, Chatham, and Dover. He talked of "yards" by
the mile, and of "spars" and "boxing the compass," till his raging
rival longed for a spar of another kind, and for an opportunity to box
him. It was in vain for Lorenzo afterwards to implore Matilda to take
the strange Salt's stories with a saline grain. His insinuations were
attributed to jealousy, and the fair one declared that she believed all the
tales the strange tar pitched, and that she only longed that life were one
long companion-ladder that she might ascend with this staunch 'un.
It was the trim yawl Phosphorus that sailed the Margate sea, and the
captain took out Bowling Baggs to bear him company. "You've got
such a nautical cut, governor, that if people sees you aboard they're sure
to follow. I'll give you a fiver to come out with us, and no charge for
the ride." Strange to say, it was with a deal of hesitation that Baggs
assented.
The good ship bounded over the billows, and one or two good billows
bounded over the ship. The jetty extension grew smaller in the dis-
tance, Margate gleamed white on the starboard bow, and Baggs turned
deathly pale on the port. The violin and harp struck up "A life on
the ocean wave;" Baggs seemed to care nothing for life of any kind,
and clung with clammy hands to the shrouds. Presently he leant over
the bulwarks, and gazed on the waves so intently that he didn't notice
when his straw hat blew over into the water: a minute later the greater
portion of his breakfast followed his hat. Staggering across the aft-
deck after the captain, with hollow eyes and ghastly cheeks he sank at
his feet moaning, "Take me back or put me out," till every one else
was quite put out at beholding his misery.
Under threat of being taken out further, he willingly consented to
forego the promised five-pound note, the captain declaring that as an
advertisement he was a fraud, inasmuch as his appearance on landing
would deter others from embarking. Then, advancing sternly from the
stern, Lorenzo Longshore threw off the sou'-wester which had disguised
him, and turning to the thickly-veiled tMatilda, exclaimed, "I told you
so For it was he who had induced the owner of the Phosphorus to
bribe Tom Bowling Baggs to undertake the shilling sail that proved so
complete a sell, and he had challenged Matilda to witness the result.
Having subsequently ascertained that Baggs, so far from being the com-
mander of a barque, was a foreman tailor's cutter, Matilda renounced
her nautical notions, and changed her name to Longshore. Although
she is still as firmly as of yore attached to Margate, she is convinced
that a heart of oak can beat occasionally in the breast of a landsman, and
that the surest test of a sailor-rigged swell of the shore is a shillingsworth
in the Phosphorus when a ground swell is on the sea.

A Prophet on a Loss.
(A TIP FOR THE NEW PARLIAMENT.)
[According to the Prophet Zadkiel. "the highest statesmanship will not avail if the
foresight afforded by Mundane Astrology be neglected or derided."]
GIVE ear all you recently-chosen M.P.s,
Whate'er be your age or your party;
Attend to a prophet's advice, if you please,
If you'd all be successful and hearty.
Even nowadays members are sometimes perplexed
As to how they can best serve their voters ;
Let all such peruse the above-mentioned text,
For 'twill aid legislation-promoters-
M.P.s," says our sage (who is versed in pyschology),
"Must ne'er show derision at Mundane Astrology !"
Old Zadkiel, the seer (who is seer-ious, mind,
Though some deem that prophet erratic),
Thinks if Parliament's laws were from planets designed
Our nation would know bliss ecstatic.
And so, if some project of Home Rule you'd frame,
You should learn what's O'Rion's opinion;
And probably Ceres attention should claim
When corn-laws would tax our dominion.
M.P.'s to the planets will owe an apology,
If they neglect the grand Mundane Astrology.
In a Bill, say re hours when young lovers may wed,
Planet Venus you'll note with devotion;
And before a new Water-Bill comes to be read,
You should learn what's Aquarius's notion.
And before you dare dabble in Russian affairs,
Ursa Major and Minor you'll gaze on ;
And to study the aspect of Mars pray prepare,
Whene'er "Army Estimates" day's on:
In short, let M.P.s, with a kind of tol-lol "-ogy,
Warble the praises ot Mundane Astrology.

PISCATORIAL MOTTO.-Suf-fishin' for the day is the evil thereof.

__ --Y~------- ------

_ I ~_

- ---- .II. -----

(

-0

KNICKNACKS.
THE other night a fiend in human form managed to secretly affix a
large card on the Tussore silk costume
of an extremely pretty and highly made-
up young lady, who was meandering
through the "Colonies." On the said
card was printed, in large letters,
BEWARE OF THE PAINT."-The little
damsel seemed to think that hanging
would be far too mild a punishment for
the malefactor, when her attention was
called to the caution she was carrying
about.

ONE of those knowing ones, in the
know, states that all the cast-off kid
gloves in Paris are boiled down into glue.
We are glad to hear this news, having hitherto been under the impression
that they were simmered into soup, or minced into kromeskies.

Now that Henry Ward Beecher is over here, intent on making
shekels, the following anecdote concerning him is worth reviving. It
appears that, during a vacation when Henry was not intent on shekel-
making, he heard one of his own published sermons delivered in an
obscure village. At the close of the service he accosted the divine who
had preached, and said, "That was a fair discourse; how long did it
take you to write it ? Oh, I tossed it off one evening when I had
leisure," was the reply. "Indeed," said Mr. Beecher; "it took me
far longer than that to think out the very framework of the sermon."
"Are you Henry Ward Beecher ? asked the country parson. I am,"
was the reply." "Well, then," said the unabashed pastor, "all I've
got to say is that I am not ashamed to preach one of your sermons
anywhere."

SPEAKING of the economical habits of the French race, Alphonse
Tombac observed to his friend William Wilkins, Nothing is lost in
France." "Not even mothers-in-law, I suppose ?" ejaculated William,
with a sad sigh. "I sayded nothings is lost in France, Mistare
Vilkin," retorted Alphonse. Ve do not count mossers-in-laws as
nothings, in France." "Well they count for something here," groaned
Wilkins. "You should flirts wis them a leetles," laughed Tombac,
"then all vood be vell.. But you Engleesh are so bite."

HERE's a lesson to larky girls.-It seems that marriages can be made.
with fatal facility in America, as a couple of giddy young ladies have
found to their cost. The flighty damsels in question were members of
a picnic party, and, after a hearty champagne lunch, meandered away
from their friends and got into chaffy conversation with two aged wood-
cutters. Out of pure tomfoolery the girls suggested that they should all
four go and get "married for fun." The suggestion was thoroughly
appreciated by the old gaffers. Forthwith, the party called at the office
of a neighboring magistrate, who performed the ceremony 'midst
giggles and chuckles, and received his regulation fee in due form.
The ceremony over, the madcap maidens wished to rejoin their com-
panions, and tell them of their glorious spree; but the aged peasants
objected, and, to their intense horror and disgust, the silly little
daughters of Eve found that they were firmly united in the holy
bonds of matrimony to a couple of dirty, uneducated, toothless old
cripples. The papas of the frisky damsels have had to shell out many
bags of shekels to pension those aged peasants off, and the girls them-
selves look anxiously forward to the time when grim death claims the
husbands they never see.

A CONSTABLE who held a warrant for the arrest of a bold, bad
barber, visited his shop in plain clothes, and seating himself carelessly
in a chair, asked to have his beard removed. He hoped to be able to
draw the capillary artiste out, and obtain some wonderful evidence.
The barber at once scented officialism in the officer's appearance; but
he received him most affably, chatted gaily about the weather, the
elections, the latest scandals in high life, and the training reports from
Newmarket, while he carefully shaved off one side of the policeman's
beard. Then he hinted that the hair grew remarkably stiff; and he
retired into another room, saying he must hunt for a better razor.
After patiently waiting ten minutes for the barber's return, the constable
explored, investigated, and discovered to his mortification that the wily
bird had flown out at a back door and escaped. There was nothing
left for it but to remove the remaining half of his beard himself. During
half-an-hour's self-scraping the constable got a good deal of hirsute
matter off, but in his irritation and agitation he chipped his face about
to such an extent that the divisional surgeon had to plaster it up in a
dozen or so places when he reported himself at the station.

TURF CUTTINGS,
TO THE EDITOR Or "FUN."
DEAR SIR,-I beg that you will note I m off to Scotland by the boat.
I think I'm bound for Aberdeen, but that remains, Sir, to be seen; for,
after my accustomed fate, I came upon the wharf so late, and got so
flustered in my mind I took the first that I could find (I mean the boat
that nearest lay), and caught it just, as people say, by means of skin
upon my teeth, and so, perhaps, I'mh bound for Leith; but, anyway,
I'm on the sea, and that is quite enough for me. I may, with a pathetic
touch, remark it's nearly been too much, exactly as I said it would.
The skipper says it does me good. Regarding that I have some doubt,
and wish she wouldn't roll about (by "she," of course, I mean the ship).
At anyrate, you take this tip.
THE ECLIPSE STAKES.
ABOARD a ship, the skipper says,
We're safe as any church;
It may be so, but, anyways,
Those buildings never lurch.
He says he'd rather be at sea,
By chalks, than on the land,
It may be so, but give to me
A place where I can stand.
When I'm at home my mind is calm,
I have no chance to drown;
And, oh! II never feel a qualm
Within my house in town.
They say the chance of Bendigo
Is clearly good enough,
And I should think it would be so
(If I were quite a muff).
And Minting, many folks opine,
Will surely foremost pass,
And their opinion would be mine
(If I were quite an ass),
Gay Hermit may be one in ten,
Or Candlemas may be
Well fancied, but St. Gatien
Is good enough for me.

--- ----- sr~..-~ -m=~~~~-.r

It strikes me, as I'm on the loose, a good impression you "perdooce"
if by the early post you sent additional emolument, I mean an extra-
special sum above my honorarium, for if you did I'd stifle pride and feel
extremely gratified; nor would I, as no doubt you think, expend the
whole of it on drink, although aboard these splendid ships there is a
sort of run on "nips." But should you take this hint or not, you'll
always find me "on the spot with tips and copy maugre fuss,
Yours faithfully, TROPHONIUS.

All Allo-ne.
[The English phrase Hullo 1" has been corrupted in French to "AI118 "]
THIS Gallic "all6" is a(l)16 affair,
And many will not for the phrase much care-
They like not to walk in such shallow paths;
And those who are homceopaths will confess
That this French alteration would cause them distress,
For wouldd show that the French are all "all1 "-paths."

OI 1o CORRESPONIDENTS.-The Adilor aeo not bna himself to acknowledge, return, oor ayfor Contributions. In no case wiil they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.

JULY 2z, 1886. UII r. 29

FUNo

JULY 21, x886.

SKETCHES AT WIMBLEDON.-APPARENTLY PERPETRATED AFTER GUNFIRE.

A good shot at the Running Man."

Ought to be a good shot. He's always at the
Butts.

" And I, a Chef is it that I may not shoot at Vimble-
don ? Do I not, all the days, practice at theRange ?"

They disallowed his shooting, because his was not
a "regulation position.'

Safe, at least, for the Nursery Aggregate Cup. A comrade was kind enough to blacken his
sight for him.

The Return Home.
(SEE CARTOON).
"Returning Home "-that phrase,
As understood at present,
No doubt to most of us conveys
A notion very pleasant.
But on the other hand,
If we believe tradition,
It may include an awkward, and
Impeachable position.
The gentleman comes back
Too late, and is detected;
Then by his worthy dame, alack I
He straightway gets suspected.

He either seems too flat,
Or else he seems too frisky,
And puts it down to food and that-
But not to wine or whisky.
He further as "All right,"
Describes the situation;
His dame, however, cannot quite
Accept that explanation.
And so-Well, never mind;
There's one of sundry cases,
Where home returners do not find
The pleasantest of places.

THE RIVER OF LIFE,
BY JOHN LATEY, JUN.
"'Tis a well-contrived story, with incident rife. By
John Latey, Junior-'The River of Life.' '-Punch.
"The story is full of interesting scenes admirably
told."-Illustrated London News.
"'The River' is just thekind for a Bookseller's Row,
and the publishers will get a good 'sail.' It is a river
in which everyone who wishes for a pleasant hour should
take a dip."-" Dagonet," in the Rejeree.
"It is a well-written and well-constructed book."-
Sporting Times.
Brightly written, and full of thrilling sensation and
romantic love making."-The Wdrld.
153 FLEET STREET,-LONDON, E.C.

Cadbury's
GUARANTEED
PURE AND
SOLUBLE. ocoa
BEWARE OF IMITATIONS.

S
RO 6 k t" "

London : Printed by Dalziel Brothers at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published Ifor the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at z53 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, July 2ist, 186.

~I______ ~_ I _I_;_)L~_____~C I/~_CI;___ _i* ~Y~liii~l

--

FUN.

: -,

becomes an abnormally
early riser,but is careful
not to disturb his wife.

fad and scored a success (natural in a choir to "score"). Under any
other circumstances I don't think they are likely to be remuneratively
popular, in spite of their excellence and the interest attaching to them.
Their singing is very perfect, and the choir seems to be formed of
picked voices; their time and modulation have no detectable flaw, and
there is a good deal of character in their style. In one song, Sleep
overcomes me" (or, if you prefer it, Speetso nine mladoshenka "),
there is a magnificent snore in the bass.

THE "genuine historical costumes of the sixteenth and seventeenth
centuries" are very handsome and quaint, and considering their age,
well-preserved. They consist largely of beads and some very fine
embroidery, and it is difficult to decide whether they give the choir the
appearance of glorified Christy Minstrels, or a page from an old
illumination. The main point of interest is that, as I presume is the
Russian custom, the leader conducts with his back to the singers, and
with a slight motion of his hand, unassisted by any baton. The pro-
gramme smacks somewhat of monotony, and is, except for such as are
more or less musicians, caviare to the general "-which is not inap-
propriate. I am inclined to think they would go for most as items of a
diversified programme at a general concert.

THE GAIETY.-It was suffocatingly hot, but a large audience and a
strong smell were present at the hundredth performance of Adonis. It
was announced that many alterations had been made, and there were
varying rumours that Mr. Dixey would imitate Mr. Irving as Shylock
or Mephistopheles. Neither of these came off, and little alteration was
manifest, except a general toning down of exuberance, a certain amount
of cutting (an improvement in exact ratio to its extent), the insertion of
a new wheeze or two, and the conversion of the concluding dialogue
into rhyme, which the company speak quite as badly (irrespective of
accent) as they do prose.

Adonis is now preceded by a noisy farce, and does not commence
until a quarter to nine, which has its advantages this weather, when the
airy costumes worn by those inexplicable "plumed knights" (who
avow the curious occupation of "tic-tacking" all day long) excite the
strongest feelings of envy. Mr. Dixey distinguished himself by sending
a piece of chalk careering among the audience with a back kick, and
the audience said hooray. Mr. Dixey's engagement ends with the
month of August.

THE AVBNUE.-To describe the new and original musical comedy,'
Our Agency, in terms of derisive reprobation, that would not yet in
some degree savour of gross flattery, is too difficult a feat for your not
generally timorous noticer to attempt. Whether it is that the English
language is not equal to it, or that your noticer's acquaintance with his
native tongue is of too rudimentary a character to meet the emergency,
is a question I am willing to leave open ; but he is certainly out of it.'
A string of meaningless rubbish serves to introduce a number of cha-
racters, who all want to go on the stage : most of them sing a song, or
recite, or something, to show their quality. The piece consists of four

THi AVENUE.-AIRY FAIRY LILIAN.
ought to know, seeing that he has the getting up thereof. With
Messrs. Barnes, Beveridge, C. W. Somerset, Calhaem, F. Wood, and
Miss Jessie Maryland in the cast, it looks something like it; and when
I am told that some of the witches will be young and lovely, and have
nice figures and show 'em, I feel like sending to Cox for a Box.
NESTOR.

acts of this, and a general inclination of the female members of the cast
to get into tights.

A VERY bad amateur company would give the "talent" engaged on
this work "a long start and beat 'em easy." In this sweeping assertion,
exception must be made in favour of Mr. John Tresaliar (who played a
"masher with a sense of character and a commendable restraint rather
remarkable under the surrounding circumstances), Mr. F. Oswald, Miss
J. Lalor Shiel, Miss Dot Robins, Miss Annie Rose, and Miss Lilian
Francis (who played with considerable sprightliness and go," and gave
a rather enterprising dance in skirts). A tall gentleman, with,a solemn
visage, who folded himself up a good deal, and' did;a feebly fatuous
version of washing his hands with invisible soap," was the worst per-
former I've ever seen-and I've seen some bad ones-and caused dis-
sension among the audience as to whether he was to be described as a
"dromedary" or a "camel." The introduction of a clergyman gloating
over an elderly ballet was in the worst possible taste; but there, the
whole production was an outrage.

THE GRAND.-Here, where Minnie Palmer's Miy Sweetheart first
burst in all its mingled absurdity and attractiveness upon the London
public; that same piece as given by Mr. Wynn Miller's Provincial
Company, has been presented to rather summer audiences for twelve
nights, or a theatrical fortnight. Miss Sara Beryl, who plays Tina,
has the advantage of the original impersonator, in being an artist, and
gives a refinement to the character, which makes it as "likely" as is
possible in such a part, and relieves Tony from the imputation of bad
taste in his selection of a partner for life. In fact, all Tina's self-
conscious vulgarity has disappeared, and she becomes a very quaint little
maiden of the Grasshopper and Fanchette kind. Miss Beryl dances
neatly, if not too variously, has a good voice and can sing well; she is
also plump and pleasing to gaze upon. In a vocal respect, she is well
supported by Mr. C. J. Murton, as Tony, who also acts respectably.
The rest of the cast suffers considerably by comparison with the original
one-who boasted no great ability either. Mr. Wilmot's theatre is
uncommonly cool this weather.

NODS AND WINKs.-The dresses for the pastoral play, called with
characteristic affectation, Rosamund, were made from Mr. Godwin's
designs by Messrs. L. and H. Nathan.-On the 31st inst., the final per-
formance of the Lyceum Company will be given for the benefit of Miss
Terry (who has been suffering from what a "contemporary paper" calls
with some enterprise, a "throatal attack"), after which the theatre
will remain closed till the IIth of September.-The Daly Company
and Nancy and Co.'s te-nancy of the Strand, comes to an end with the
month.-Miss Kate Vaughan and Mr. H. B. Conway are going to give
a month or so of "old comedies" at the Haymarket; may they have
better luck than I expect !-Mr. Charles Duval shortly opens at the
Prince's Hall with his Odds and Ends.-Mr. Douglas Cox says the
production of lMacbeth at the Olympic will be a good thing, and he

Poltwattle the Careful.
P. HAS always been a student. When quite a boy he used to read all
the books he could get hold of. Now, even, he reads with avidity-
and a pair of spectacles.
In his early youth he read and learned the lesson of the poor fellow
who, when he went into a shop in.the City for a job, and being refused,
went out, looking disconsolately oni the ground, wondering what the
deuce he should do for his next meal. He saw a pin lying before him,
picked it up, stuck it in his coat, and was called back. The merchant
had noticed the action and engaged him at once, and he eventually
rose from errand boy to shopman, from storekeeper to partner, married
his master's daughter and succeeded to the business, and lived happy
ever after-and all because of that pin I
Poltwattle must have picked up tons of pins in his time. He has not
become proprietor of a City shop. He has sedulously assisted, and, in
fact, assists dilapidated old people over roads, out of 'busses and into
trains, but they never die and leave him fortunes.
The one story of that kind-about the two boys who received parcels
tied up with string-always stuck in Peter's memory. You remember
how one of them cut the string and threw it away, and afterwards
caught his foot in it, while going down stairs, and broke his leg; while
the other youth-the wise boy of the story-carefully untied his, rolled
it up, and put it in his pocket, and next day, at an archery competition,
when the string of his bow broke, repaired it with the piece he had so
thriftily saved, and so won the prize !
That story made a strong impression on P., and thenceforward he
made it a rule to untie the string on his parcels. It took an awful time
to do, but he did it on principle.
Some time ago Peter Poltwattle received a tied-up parcel, and began
to untie it. It had a cruel lot of knots in it. How bitterly Peter
cursed the day he read that infernal story. He cursed it even more-
later on.

*
There was a grumbling old man who lodged upstairs, poor as the pro-
verbial mouse that inhabits a place of worship, but for whom Poltwattle
had more than once done small services, not from any hope or expecta-
tion of reward, but the story reading made it habitual with him to
behave like the heroic good boys do in the tales. Just as Peter was
untying that ghastly twine, the old man called him.
"Can't come," shouted P.
"Look sharp !" shouted the G. O. M. (grumbling old man).
A few more minutes elapsed, and Poltwattle, having carefully untied
the string, went up.
"Oh! yewr comed at last!" sarcastically and ungrammatically
observed the G. O. M.; well, yewr jist tew late I've a bin making'
my will, an' I wanted yer full name-"
"Peter, Paul-" began our hero, hastily.
"But it wusn't wuth yer while," continued the old man; "so yer
out on it."
The stupid old idiot died the same week, and .14,ooo went to a
local charity!
Peter lost that fortune entirely through those good for nought goody-
goody books.

A Coat-illion.
[It is stated that out of MIr. Parnell's eighty-four followers, three-fourths have not
coats to call their own.]
IF, out of a matter of eighty-tour,
Three-fourths haven't coats they can call their own,
'Tis a state of distress, which we all should deplore,
And compassion in such a sad case should be shown;
For, alas Parnell's coterie, as you'll see,
A hard-up no coat-erie seems to be !

I

34 FT.JULY 28, r886.

CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES. MERRY ON THE MOORS.
So you are going to the moors, are you? you can go to the niggers,
SUBTERRANEANISMS. or the dogs, or anywhere else you like, for all I care. For my part, I can
PASSENGER. Let's see now. How to get to town quickest. Ha !- ad- see nothing in grouse or grilse even if you get 'e. Most of the grouse
vertisement: "The Metropolitan Railway Company convey passengers you get in London restaurants are imported crows. A pleasant thing
be t ween t h e that to think about. Perhaps the Prince of Wales will be at Abergeldie !
East and West- Well, I'm not likely to be asked there, anyhow. I never can understand
ends in less time what people want to hire shooting for. Fancy having to live in a
13 by a week than wretched, badly-built hovel, the nearest Highland village being three
that upstart other miles off. And when you get to that village, what a treat. Nothing to
Company, and eat worth eating. You can't always console yourself with whisky and
be hanged to it." talking to chuckle-headed factors and gamekeepers. Bah I hate it all.
S That'll do then: Besides, I never could get any comfortable boots to tramp about in, in
i I'll go by Me- my life. -
Strop-eh? Here's To see the sun rise on the distant lochs. Bah what do I care about
Another adver- such nonsense? Turning out of bed to go into a steamy mist, like an
Stisement, though: alfresco washing-day, with nothing in your inside but some milk and a
-"The District biscuit. You can have all the enjoyment of that sort of thing yourself;
Railway Com. I don't want to share it, I can tell you. I was last on the Yorkshire
pany carry pas- moors. Heaven help me I had a time of it. Horrid meal, hard beer,
sengers from the and heather honey. When I wanted to get to any reasonable place
West-end to the there was nothing to go in but a cart without springs. The beautiful
East-end and purple heather Why, I never got so sick of anything in all my life.
vice versd in a The moor only looked like a lot of faded pickle-cabbages, and I cer-
shorter time by ten years than some other fools who shall be nameless." tainly can't see any beauty in that. I was glad enough to bolt off to
That seems more promising still. I'll go by the District. Here's the Stourgate, and go in for drinking even the beastly waters for a change.
entrance-through this lobby, and along this passage, and by this vesti- People in England always want to be shooting at something. I hate
bule, and under this arch, and over this bridge; and here's the booking Wimbledon just as much as I do the moors. I hate sport of any sort.
office. Second single to Whatsaname Street, please. I rather like the Danes than not, because they do shoot their foxes.
BOOKING CLERK. Next train to Whatsaname Street is run by the There should be plenty of wire-fences in the country if I had my way,
other company-t'other booking office next door. you can reckon on that. I shall be glad enough when the three acres
PAS. Next door? But I can't get at it: there's a brand new barrier farms come about, for it'll put an end to a good deal of the nonsense.
put up. As to the American fellows who have made money at pig-boiling, and
BOOKING C. Yes; that's been done by this company in order to spite come and take the shooting in England and Scotland, all I can say is,
the other company. You'll have to go back over the bridge, and under the more fools they I should think they could have better fun at
the arch, and by the vestibule, and along the passage, and through the Saratoga. But, then, everyone's gone stark, staring mad on the subject.
Iob anl, d ot int the street and Over the line h the rnoa annd then Fools! DIOGENES TUBBS.

ask again.
PAS. Good heavens! Well, I have arrived at the other company's
booking office at last. What a journey. Second single to Whatsaname
Street, if you please.
BOOKING C. This company's train's just gone. Next train to Whatsa-
name Street belongs to the other company. Booking office next door
there-but you'll have to go round up the steps, and down the ladder,
and over the roof, and-
PAs. Oh, thankee. I prefer to sit down and wait until this train's
gone, and then take a ticket for your next train.
PORTER. You can't sit down. You see the seats belonged to the
other company, and so they've took 'em away and burnt 'em to spite the
other company. There's that wall-seat left over there as belongs to both
companies; but there's a chancery suit about that, and maybe you'll
'ave to pay the costs of both parties if you sit down on it.
PAS. Oh, I'll chance that-here! What's this? My clothes are
covered with-
PoR. Yus. The other cumpny smeared it all with pitch to spite the
other cumpny; and the other cumpny smeared it over with treacle to
spite the other cumpny; and then the other cumpny come and larded
it all over; and then the other cumpny, as wouldn't be outdone, comes
and shoved a lot o' soot onto it. 'Ere's yer train.
*
PAS. Guard Why are we stopping in this tunnel? How long are we
to be kept- ?
GUARD. Well, to tell you the truth, I shouldn't be gsrprised if we
didn't get out of here for a week. The other company as this train
doesn't belong to have been and bricked up the tunnel so's to prevent
this company s trains a-going along it; and I dessay when we tries to
back out t'other way, we shall find they put a lot o' sleepers across the
line that way; and then we shall have to stop 'ere till the quarrel's over.
PAS. Oh, I see. But, guard! what is that dreadful swearing and
howling in the next carriage? It seems just as if a dozen cats were
fight-
GUARD. Yes; they are a-going it pretty well. It's only a director of
our company and a director of t'other company havin' it out. They're
always at it.
PAS. But really, guard, their language is so horrible, and their yells
are so appalling I'm sure I don't want to sit here and hear one director
say such dreadful things about the other director's mother, and the other
one make such disgraceful accusations against the other's aunt.
THE PUBLIC. No more do we. We are not interested in the squabbles
of this set of idiots. There must be some remedy.
MR. FUN. Of course there is. Tar and feather the lot of 'em, and
pat their heads in a bag, and stuff 'em down the funnels of their own
engines. Directors," indeed !

SPORTING NOTE.
(BY ONE THAT KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT IT.)

THE MIDSUMMER CUP.

JULY 28, I886. FT N 3 5

A LEG OF MUTTON SAUTE.
FuN is sure that the following recipe will be appreciated. A highly nutritious and economical dish.

Then pour in about a pint of old ale. Let simmer gently before a slow fire. Artd "take up" in an hot-.

SONGS OF THE WATERING-
PLACES.
No. IV.-SCARBOROUGH.
YE gents who shine on Southend's strand
And pier-head elongated,
Oh, never dream that Scarborough grand
And Sheerness are related !
Your low-pric'd fun
There can't be done,
A splash you can't make meanly;
'Tis rich swells go
To Scarborough,
To Scarborough the queenly..,,
But all who've purses brimming o'er,
And bankers' pass-books smiling,
May hie to haughty Scarborough's shore
And woo its rich beguiling;
For them is made
The esplanade,
Its Grand Hotel palatial,
Where, sans alloy,
They may enjoy
Exclusiveness quite glacial.
Still, there's the Foreshore Road for those
Whose ways are less exalted-
Aquarium also (best of shows)
With water fresh and salted;
A People's Park,
A Castle dark,
And interesting, highly,

And lovely strolls
To cliffy holes,
Cornelian Bay and Filey.
Time was when ladies went to drink
Its Spa's chalybeate waters,
Which yet are flowing; but, I think,
Do not draw Fashion's daughters,
Who rather go
Because they know
They'll wardrobes need extensive,
And dress they may
Six times a day
At Scarb'rough the expensive.

Specimens of a New Dictionary.
Abundance--Part of somebody else's share.
Banquet-Subject for conversation with your
doctor.
Consolation-Generally, the gift of something
of which the giver has no need.
Debt-The rich man's servant, the poor man's
executioner.
Error-Act of one person defined by an-
other.
Fashion-Folly's levee.
Greatness-Assumed total of an unproved
sum.
Habit-In one's own case, conviction; in
that of another, indolence.
Ignorance-Condition of mind of persons
who do not know what we know.

Justice-Confirmation of our own decisions.
King-A pencil to which his people play the
part of slate.
Luck-Equity gone astray.
MAIatrinony-Sleeping partnership.
Neutral-One who bides his time.
Originator-One who cooks a dinner for
others to eat.
Patience-Looking on while another devours
the cake.
Questionable-Every statement and argument
of an opponent.
Respectability-Living in a large house, pay-
ing punctually, and without ever challenging
your tradesmen's charges.
Scrupulousness-Giving good change for bad
money.
Triumph-Carrying off the spoils of the
defeated.
Utopian-Anyone who believes he can im-
prove anything in the world.
Vanity-Other peoples' love of display.
Wrong-Anything we strongly dislike.
Xylophagous-Wood-eating: as Jew money-
lenders, who feed and grow fat on "sticks."
Youth-The period of life during which one
knows everything.
Zealousness-Restless and vexatious intru-
siveness.

THE height of a countryman's ambition.-
The London Bridge Monument.

THE POLITICIAN.

/ ~l?

Wot I was a'lus afeard on was as one o" they gents on the other side 'ud
come an' convince me; an' sure enuf t'other candidit he called. Git away I' I
ses, 'I wo.'t be convinced by ennybody.'"

Well, 'ee would reason through the latchole, 'ee would; and I stuffed up
my ears with wool, and keep my fat agin the door.

A
L 9

s. I pats my ear
= *__." ,.

So off I goes to doctor, and I ses, '
doctor he seal up my ears with sealing'
=Ne- M-

/ / Ia g ^ Im m
"But blarmed if that wax didn't begin for togit loose; so I orftothe pleeceman as kep the door o' the pol
ses: 'cos thhlber sealin'-wax be a-coomm' out, and then nothin'll save me from bein' convinced.' An' if that pl
shed ha' voted c'ean again my own side, which some folks dtw say is all wrong, and I dew bleeve as they're about

temprydeaf?' I ses. And
thought as I vwir safe."

i1 I

e, and I ses, 'Let me wote dreckly minnut,' I
'adn't let me in mighty sharp, I dew bleeve I

'"

asrpe 1
~---
~---~9Y

jU 0-JuLy 8, z886.

ONLY A TIFF.
Britannia's Young Man.-" GO TO YOUR JOES, AND YOUR JOHNS, AND YOUR SALISBURYS, AND MUCH GOOD MAY
THEY DO YOU (Exit in a huff.)

FITJN JoLY 28, 1886-

A Place of Honour.
[Certain people are asking, Wherever will the Liberal Unionists sit in the House ?"
Some have answered, they will sit below the gangway on the Opposition side.
ALAS those Liberal Unionists! "Wherever will they sit ?"
Is asked by certain people who imagine sneers are wit;
And, lo unto the question it has lately been replied:-
That all these earnest members,
Who'd extinguish treason's embers,
Will sit below the gangway on the Opposition side.
Though slavish party-followers regard them with disdain,
And call them "traitors I" What of that? They well can stand
the strain,
For will not all the Empire view such earnest men with pride,
Whose love for their great nation
Forbade all Separation,
And drove them to the gangway on the Opposition side ?
And when the battle's fought again (and soon will come the brunt),
Again those earnest Unionists will show a solid front;
And, free from Party prejudice, to Truth they'll be allied,
To resist all legislation
That would tend to Separation
From their place below the gangway on the Opposition side.

NEWS WE SHOULD BE GLAD TO READ.
(BUT ARE NOT LIKELY TO.)
(From our Special Millennialist.)
ALL the boys who have been caught placing obstacles on railway
lines, or setting fire to
reformatory ships, or
burgling, or throwing
stones at passing train,
$ or ill-treating animals,
have been sent to the
SCharterhouse School.
Anxious friends need
not inquire about their
health after a week
hence.

As a far more effec-
S tual alternative to the
Extradition Treaty be-
tween England and
and tAmeric a, it has been
decided to devote a
large portion of the
British secret service money to the organisation of a select band who
will secretly proceed without delay to America, and blow up a public
building in New York for each one blown up in London. This will
obviate the necessity for any one-sided diplomatic arrangement which
would be carried out by England for the good of Am6rica, and allowed
to "slide" by America for the good, bad, or indifferent of England;
and put an end to Yankee-Irish outrages in a twinkling.
*
THE crew of the Ajax have been paid off to make room for her new
company, which will consist entirely of Treasury and Admiralty officials,
and the designers of the Ajax's guns. The guns will be worked by
those officials responsible for the retention of the ship in commission,
and will not wait for action before being fired, but will be put through
that operation immediately.

THE Irish Catholics guilty of outrages in the recent riots will not be
let off scot-free, while all the Orangemen are punished with the utmost
rigour of the law.
THE execution of Patrick Ford, and of about one-third of the Par-
nellite members of Parliament, is fixed for Monday next at eight a.m.

THE prejudice in this country against frogs' legs dished up as entries
is really most absurd. These dainty tit-bits are becoming very popular
in New York, and the jambes of gentle grenouilles from Canadian
marshes fetch 40 cents a pound. The following is one of the most
approved ways of cooking frogs' legs:-Remove the outer skin, dip in
beaten egg, cover with bread crumbs, fry in boiling butter to a delicate
brown, serve up piping hot with a sauce consisting of thick brown
stock, button mushrooms, stoned olives, and a shalot or two. It is
sometimes well to let guests enjoy the dish in blissful ignorance of what
it really is.

KNICKNACKS.
CERTAIN doctors hare been crying out loudly against the habit of
brandy-drinking, saying that it simply ruins the nervous system. Not
always! We happen to know an aged
monthly nurse who has been a confirmed
brandy-drinker nearly all her life. While
quite a young girl, both her parents were
Struck dead by lightning within three
feet of where she was standing. The
awe-stricken damsel did not scream, and
faint. No She walked direct to the
i nearest inn and called for a glass of hot
S brandy-and-water. Later in life, when
she was delicately informed that her
S husband had been blown to pieces by a
Russian shell in the trenches before
Sebastopol, she shed no tear, she gave
way to no hysterical noises; she silently
rose, and mixed herself a glass of hot brandy-and-water. When her
only daughter committed suicide off Westminster Bridge, and she was
taken to identify the body, the old lady looked at her child's remains
calmly, and asked for a glass of hot brandy-and-water. On one
occasion this aged nurse attended a lady who presented her husband
with four sons. Many nurses would have evinced signs of perturba-
tion on communicating the awful intelligence to the anxious father.
She, on the contrary, told him the dread news in a composed voice, and
called for-four glasses of hot brandy-and-water. So, with unshaken
nerves, she meanders through life peacefully on hot brandy-and-water.

AN impetuous widower of fifty, witthree children, fell deeply in
love with a young lady of sweet seventeen, and formally proposed to
her. The proposal was accepted, and he wrote many touching verses
to her, such as,-
Here will I pledge thee, dearest one,
Here will I vow, till day be done,
True, true, till death."
But Venus, goddess of love, born of the froth of the sea, ordained that
the impetuous one should not prove true till death. She threw a buxom
widow, in the shape of a steamboat stewardess, in his path-a widow
with two amiab'e children-and he married her. The discarded damsel
brought an action for breach of promise, but a hard-hearted jury only
gave 3 as golden ointment for her wounded feelings. The blighted
maiden says she doesn't believe her ex-sweetheart ever read the sensible
remarks of Mr. Weller, senr., anent "Vidders," or he wouldn't have
preferred one to a pretty unsophisticated girl of seventeen, with pink and
white cheeks. She intends to speed the 3 on chocolate creams.

"I SEE you have spent no less than twenty-six years in penal servi-
tude," said a horrified magistrate to a bland old Scotchwoman who was
standing-in the dock charged with riotous conduct. Deed, ay, I have
done that, the mair shame to me. I'm as bad as bad can be." "What
can be done with you I don't knbw," mused the magistrate. "Your
honour could tak' me for a servant," suggested the prisoner promptly.
"You really must excuse my declining the proposition," warbled his
honour, I'm afraid you might not get on with my other domestics. I
will fine you 4os., with the alternative of a month's hard labour instead."
" Oh murder, ye ill-favuerd loon to put sic an affront on me. Do you
think I would be your servant, you donnert daidlin body? Ye're fit for
naething but to cobble cottar's shoon. Hech me!" cried the prisoner
as she shuffled down to the cells.

A MAN suspected of stealing 8oo of valuables was lately arrested by
a smart detective. On being taken to the station he was eagerly
searched by excited officers, who made sure that a good deal of the
property was on his person. The quest was hardly satisfactory.
Nothing whatever, valuable or worthless, was found about him, except
a well-worn toothpick. He offered to swop it with any officer present
for a pint of nut-brown ale; but the police were mad as hornets, and
didn't catch on.

AN enterprising speculator wishes to start a public company in
America for the purpose of running an hotel for the special convenience
of would-be suicides. The building, he suggests, must be fitted up,
with every means and convenience for comfortable self-destruction,
from navy revolvers and silk ropes to prussic acid and dynamite pills;
while commodious lethal chambers, and deep water-tanks should be
kept in constant readiness for visitors. Experienced undertakers, in
continual attendance night and day, of course form an attractive item in
the scheme, but the hard and fast rule the projector insists on-viz.,
that every guest must deposit a fee of 635 on entering the establishment,
will, we fear, greatly injure the chances of the project floating into a
gigantic success.

38

1 _

I

JULY 28, 1886. FU N 39

Sermons in (Precious)
Stones.
THE RUBY.
[The Rubyfinds out poison, and discovers
false friendship.]
THE stone on which your stone-y
bard
Would give a disquisition,
Is one which in the world's regard
Maintains a high position.
The average being holds it dear,
Unless he be a booby;
In short, the gem I'd mention here
Is one that's called the Ruby.
It finds out poisons, therefore ye
Who dread adulteration,
Of rubies should have two or three
To foil annihilation.
Mistaken friendship's pains it
soothes,
However large the crew be;
Thus man his pathway often
smoothes
By wearing of a Ruby.
Well, say for instance you've been
had,
By so-called friends who borrow,
Or that a friend has made you sad-
This stone will ease your sorrow.
For, oh alas, friends alter much
Who vowed that they would true
be;
The remedy's within your clutch-
You've but to wear a Ruby.
The poisons from which wisdom
shrinks
Are envy, hate, and malice;
Too often are these drugs, methinks,
Compounded in life's chalice.
And so, when travelling through the
land,
However fine the view be,
You'll find the gem called Self-
Command
E'en better than the Ruby.

THE Russian authorities intend to
enforce the laws against drunkenness
more strictly. They have issued a
notice stating that anyone found in
a state of intoxication, except on fes-
tivals of the Church, will be punished
with the utmost rigour of the law.

THE NEW PRIME MINISTER, FRESH FROM DIEPP?.
Mr. Bull.-"CONF-- DELIGHTED, OF COURSE, AND AIL THAT SORT OF THING, TO SEE
YOU, MOSSOO SALISBURY; BUT, HANG IT YOU KNOW--"

Without the Option of a Fine.
THERE was once a man who was a magistrate. It was his misfor-
tune, not his fault. He was born like that.
This man loathed politics with an unspeakable loathing. He stamped
if you spoke to him of Salisbury, he raged if you mentioned Chamber-
lain, and he foamed at the mouth when reference was made to the Grand
Old Man.
He hated them all, but was strictly impartial, as a magistrate should
be. He didn't hate one more than the other.
Then the time came when an election fever raged in the land, and
everybody caught it, and was very ill. And with one accord they told
their symptoms to the magistrate, who raged, and roared, and stamped,
and swore (fining himself five shillings for doing so), and foamed at the
mouth worse than ever.
And the epidemic was like a blight upon the country. So one fair
day, when this magistrate sat upon the bench, a stalwart householder
was brought before him charged with assault and battery, and he who
was assaulted and battered bare evidence which one of his eyes was
blackened like unto a coal, and his only nose was knocked round into
consultation with his ear, and his little brain was bewildered with knocks,
blows, thumps, cracks, and bangs duly received; and he was a pitiable
object.
Then quoth the prisoner: "Your honour's worship, I plead ex-
tenuating circumstances. The witness came to my house day after day,
and would talk to me against my will about the elections."

"Oh, he would-would he? said the magistrate with a malevolent
glare at the witness.
Yes, your honour's worship, and more. He told me what was in
Hartington's speeches, and Churchill's addresses, and Gladstone's post-
cards, and then-then-he read me the election returns."
"Oh, he did-did he?" said the magistrate with another look under
which the witness writhed in his vinegar and brown paper costume.
"Yes, your honour's worship; and he kept it up day after day till I
could stand it no longer, and I rose in my might and reduced him to the
pulp you see before you."
Prisoner cried the magistrate in awful wrath, I commit you for
one month, with hard labour and without the option of a fine,-for not
having killed him!" The court then adjourned.

R.A.-R.A.-ngements.
THE work, Beer Head, Devon," by Mr. John White,
Is as clever a picture as any you'll "spot;"
This landscape doth therefore much interest excite-
Beer "head" would be frothy, you'd think; but 'tis not.
"CASSANDRA."
Lo Solomon J. Solomon's great work at the R.A.
Deserves a lengthy notice-say a column 'un-
'Tis a masterpiece of painting, although many folks might say
That Cassandra," Sir, is certainly a Solemn-'un !

I

H40 JULY 28, x886.

THE SITUATION.

"As'the Russians have been getting rather cheeky "We're all turned out." (Cry of the
Lately, I think you had better let me take the Foreign unemployed.)
Office this time, Salisbury."

A RISE IN FORTUNE FOR OUR ESTEEMED
CORRESPONDENT.
SIR,-Having reached the North at length, and partially recovered
strength, the thing I hasten next to do is just to drop a line to you, and,
after my accustomed plan, present the best advice I can, without regard
to time or place, about the next important race. And here I should,

perhaps, remark that, not to keep you in the dark, I was in ignorance pro-
found concerning whither we were bound : but that is past, and I, in short,
as soon as we arrived in port, my foot upon my native heath, observed
that we'd arrived in Leith. My next arrangement was to go and make
my way to Edinboro' and take a lodging (and a nip), and there and then
compose this tip.
THE GOODWOOD STAKES.
WH'EN the sun is aloft in the sky,
Yoho!
And a party begins to perspire,
A furnace that party will fly,

Yoho!
And he doesn't much care for a fire;
And he sits with his collar undone,
Yoho
And his hat on the back of his head,
A limp and invertebrate one,

Yoho !
With his hands rather swollen and red.

He's not in a fit state to bet,
Yoho!
And so it's your obvious game,
To into his confidence get,
Yoho I
And make him indulge in that same.
You'll go for Sir Kenneth to win,
Yoho !
Or go on The Cob for a place;
Or take John and Corinia in,
Yoho!
But Sir R. or the Postscript the case.
And now I may observe, my boy (excuse exuberance of joy), that
when aboard a ship I went, I was not "upon pleasure bent," but, as I
think you soon will find, on "biz." of an important kind. It seems
that one who used to sip, the honey from my weekly tip (and Mr. Printer,
let me say, that "weekly's" spelt with "e," not a "), has lately
ceased from earthly toil, and "shuffled off the mortal coil." He left
behind him when he went the regulation document (you understand me,
I expect) of testamentary effect, and I received a note which said, I'd
got to come and hear it read. The prospect made me rather glum, as
I supposed some trifling sum (enough, perhaps, to pay my fare), was all
that would await me there, but what was my surprise and joy, to find
he'd left me HEAPS, my boy, in gold, and land, and stock, and share,
and that I was a millionaire So no more tips from me my son, except,
occasionally, one, when I'm inclined to write for FUN; my days of
drudgery are done, and Fortune's deigning to accord my long delayed
but just reward-a deep, and wide, and lengthy puss.
I'm, yours, tol lol, TROPHONIUS.

'TIS IN THE POWER OF NATURES KIND
TO LIGHTEN HEARTS WHERE EYES ARE BLIND.
AT this happy season of the year, when the fields are at their brightest,
the trees at their best, and the birds are singing their merriest to the
accompaniment of rustling leaves and rippling streams, our old friend.
British Public, Esq., is packing up his traps and hieing away from
the streets and squares of hot and dusty London. The South London
Association for Assisting the Blind would be very pleased if British
Public, Esq., before he departs, would bear in mind those of his fellow-
creatures whose hard lot it is to dwell in, not the streets and squares,
but the courts and alleys of South London, and whose lives are always
dark. The Society desires to infuse that light to their hearts which
cannot reach their eyes, by giving their blind members their annual
excursion; and British Public, Esq., is invited to assist them. Contri-
butions will be gratefully received by J. T. Edmonds, Esq., Hon. Sec.,
15 Brixton Road, S.W.; or R. D. Millett, Esq., Hon. Treas., London
and Westminster, Bank, Lambeth Branch, Westminster Bridge Road,
S.E.

THE legs and wings of a pigeon were discovered yesterday in a large
"pigeon" pie served in a Soho restaurant. They belonged to a very
tough hardy bird.

I

FUN.

_.-__.... L- I

" Up rouse ye then, my merry, merry men." A fast breach after breakfast. Practice in the back garden at a Practice at a stationary object.
running object.

"Trying a suit." "Poacher on the look-out." (Subject for another The goal and ultimate end.
Academy picture.)

NEW JERSEY.
As we sat in the steamboat cabin,
Thus spoke the keen-looking stranger :-
Know'st thou the State of New Jersey?
Bitter indeed are the stories
That the good folk of Manhattan
Tell of the people who dwell there.
Even the mild Philadelphian,
Pickled in perfect politeness,
Genealogical genial,
Says it is Satan's own sand-box,
Speaks of its natives as Spaniards
Who are so keen at a horse trade
They can e'en cheat one another.
Sure it is written, the devil
Went into Nova Coesarea,*
Stayed there a day, and no longer,
For the 'New Jers.' before breakfast
Cheated him out of his pitchfork ;
Bargained him long before dinner
Out of his wooden-iron shovel ;
Swindled him ere he had supper,
Dry, on a contract for sulphur.
Once, and once only, a Hebrew,
Shrewdest of all Ashkenazim,
Tried to exist in New Jersey
(This is a Maryland story);
But ere the summer was over,
Utterly ragged and ruined,
Raging, he rushed to Kentucky.
Talking one day with a gypsy
Camped near the City of Camden,
Thus said the Romany geero,
S I.e., New Spain, the Old Continental name for New
Jersey.

" The worst of being in Jersey,
Is that one loses one's time so,
Carefully watching the waggons;
For if we leave them a minute,
Something is sure to be stolen.
Never in all of my travels
Did I dick such choramengris,
Such taco choris for lootin' '-
Which means in English, 'I never
Knew such regular good 'uns for stealing.'
" Once a small girl of six summers
Lived at the North in New England.
(This is a legend from Boston.)
Every evenirg devoutly
She offered her little devotion;
But once having heard her father
Speaking of changing his dwelling,
Thus she en'ed her prayers,
' Good-bye, 0 Lord, and for ever 1
We're going to live in New Jersey.'
"'Tis said that a sailor by midnight,
Washed from the deck of his vessel,
Swam, and yet nkt knowing whither,
Swam, and was nearly exhausted;
Till, struggling near Jersey City,
Some men on the shore beheld him.
Having a rope, they got ready
To throw it afar to the swimmer,
Crying aloud, Catch hold, their !
You can pay us as soon as you're landed-
We'll only charge you a dollar.'
Well nigh worn out, the swimmer
Cried out, What kind of a country
Is this that I have come to?'
' This,' they roared, 'is New Jersey.
Won't you give us a dollar ?'

41

Sadly sighed the sailor,
If this is the State of Jersey,
I guess I'll float a while longer.'
But sank in death as he said it,
And the Jerseymen lost their money."
Appalled at such awful legends,
I whispered unto my neighbour,
If half of what I've been hearing
Be true, then the State of Jersey
Must be the extra-vilest
Of all the lands in existence."
"A-hum," replied the ne;ghbb ur;
"The gentleman has his reasons,
I reckon, for spitin' Jersey.
He wandered that way last summer
As a travellin' faro-banker,
Likewise as a bunko-steerer; t
And I've heard that bogus green-backs
Were not to him unfamiliar.
Anyhow, the Spaniards clawed him,
Tied him up to a palin',
Gin him a hundred lashes,
Ornamented him lovely
With a coat of tar and feathers,
Rid him upon a fence-rail
All round the town of Trenton.
When he talked about Jersey,
He somehow forgot to tell us
All about Jersey justice.
Wall, no wonder-for people
Gen'rally speak of a market
According as things went with 'em,
And so he narrates on Jersey."
t A swindler who makes acquaintance with strangers
by plausibly pretending to have known th, m before.

C" [To CORRnEaSuODEKNT.-T e Aaz-ror aos nw: bina htiself to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributiotn. In no case will they be returned unlcs
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope

JULY 28, 1886.

PRACTISING FOR THE TWELFTH OF AUGUST.
., it

IFUN.

JULY 28, I886.

SK1

THEY WERE SHY OF EACH OTHER EVER AFTER.
Filzbiffi.-"I7 DINE AT A LOT OF SWELL HOUSES IN THE SEASON; BUT AS TO THE DINNERS ONE GETS THERE, YOU KNOW-
WELL, I'VE EATEN AS GOOD, AND BETTER, AT THE CRITERION, OR AT THE CLUB. WHY, AT A HOUSE WHERE I WAS DINING A
FEW NIGHTS AGO, IN BERKELEY SQUARE, ACTUALLY-THERE WAS NO FISH!"
Skynner.-"THEY HAD EATEN IT ALL UPSTAIRS, I SUPPOSE?"
[Filzbiffi contributes no more to the conversation, which from that point becomes hilarious.

Only a Tiff.
(SEE CARTOON.)
WHEN the dead languages I used to stammer
In juvenile and somewhat distant days,
I oft repeated from my Latin Grammar
A quaintly paradoxical old phrase-
Amantiumt," et cetera, it says-
Which phrase I greatly doubt if then I could
Have fully understood.
But what I've learned of billing and of croing
Since schooling-time, has led n.e to believe
That lovers' quarrels may mean love's renewing;
And I can now quite easily conceive
That lost affection's rarely past retrieve,

And may returfi with a redoubled force
When wooed in proper course.
So William Gladstone, who has left his lady
Under unpleasant circumstance, and goes
To that retreat (disliked, though cool and shady)
Which ev'ry man in Opposition knows,
Need not presume the friendship at a close;
Their quarrel may mean love's renewal, if
It simply was a tiff.
PRICE, ONE SHILLING; Poat-ftee, Is. 2d.
SNI00PPINi T-,
By CHARLES G. LELAND (" Hans Breitmann").
153 FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C.

PRICE, ONE SHILLING; Post-free, 18. 2d.

THE RIVER OF LIFE,
By JOHN LATEY, JUN.
"'Tis a well-contrived story with incident rif. By
John Latey, Junibr-'The River of Life.' "-Punclh.
The story is full of interesting scenes admirably
told."-Illustrated London News.
"The changes are skilfully rung on love, revenge.
and sensation."-Morning Post.
"'The River' is just thekind for a Bokseller's Row,
and the publishers will get a good 'sail.' It is a river
in which everyone who wishes for a pleasant hour should
take a dip."-" Dagonet," in the Re/eree.
"An exciting tale, in which animated descriptions of
dramatic and sporting scenes are interwoven with
ingenious plot."-Daily News.

Write as smoothly as a lead pencil, and;
the points being rounded by a new pr<
awarded. Assorted Sample Box. 6d.
C. BRANDAUER & CO.'S Pat Wo

GUARANTEED v
PURE AND
SOLUBLE. CoV oa
BEWARE OF IMITATIONS.

AUGUST 4, 1886.

FUN.

-1- ((~ _

7T7- A

the otoi ne

for three ronrths.

OFF!

VOL. XLIV,-NO. IIO8.

/i~

IFUN

SLASHES AND PUFFS.
THE VAUDEVILLE.-" Second thoughts are best," and Mr. Thorne,
who, I believe, meant closing his theatre after his benefit with The

VAUDEVILLE.-"THE ROAD TO RUiN!"
Road to Ruin, thought better of his intention, and put that play up for
a run. Capitally it is played, and capitally it goes. Mr. Warner is
a favourite actor with audiences, if not with me; and Mr. James
Fernandez takes a good deal of beating nowadays. Then there is the
inimitable Thomas himself, the irresistible Miss Sophie Larkin, and the
equally irresistible Miss Kate Rorke.

THE GAIETY-((Morning).--Mr. Owen Dove's special benefit matilee
opened with a considerable deal of nothing attempted, nothing done,
and an evident inability to find the singers whose names figured in the
programme. The audience openly desiring something more than this
for their mo- matinee, it was announced that Mr. Eric Lewis would
" do something," which he did, and was followed by another gentleman
who sang something; and then Miss Wadman came and warbled
sweetly, and we encored her. Then the play began, and if the rest of
the singers and players wanted "a show" they didn't get it-that's all.

THE play itself, Knight against Rook, by Messrs. Owen Dove and
J. G. Lefebre, was of very ordinary texture, unnecessarily written in
four acts. Apart from the artificiality of a man in a serious contest with
wily swindlers indulging in allegorical reflections founded on the game
of chess, and the gentle simplicity of an aristocrat and his wife, in
admitting doubtful acquaintances into close intimacy, the "words of
the first two acts are largely in excess of the necessities of the case, and
the dialogue generally, though inoffensive, at no point particularly
brilliant. The characters are all conventional; but the play as a whole,
some cutting understood, may be described as a very good, ordinary

THE COMEDY.-"TURNHD UP!"
working-day play. The last act displays the somewhat unusual scene
of the villains making a good stand-up fight for it when detected, and

AUGUST 4, I886.

not immediately succumbing, in the orthodox way, at the sight of
" this paper."

THE acting was excellent, and succeeded in making the play interest-
ing to some considerable degree. Mr. Macklin could not have been
improved upon, and Messrs. E. J. Henley and R. Purdon played two
widely diverse scoundrels with great effect. Messrs. Eric Lewis, Morton
Selten, and A. B. Tapping all deserve recognition for very praiseworthy
work. Miss Florence Cowell made an exceptionally favourable impres-
sion in the character of an adventuress, which she played with a firm
skill; Miss Grace Huntley was very pleasant and acceptable as her
light-hearted daughter, but the other ladies were scarcely so satisfactory,
Miss Maud Merrie appearing in a part .beyond her resources, and Miss
Helen Leyton, though playing a not very important part prettily enough,
kept too uniformly serious a countenance throughout.
NODS AND WINKS.-Now is the witching. hour when country com-
panies are formed, and "mummers" go on tour, and Messrs. Clayton
and Cecil have engaged Miss Edith Kenward (a young lady sprightly
and intelligent, I am led to suppose) for Miss Roney's part in The
Schoolmistress on tour.-Mr. Edouin has taken the Comedy theatre for
six weeks, presenting Mr. Mark Melford's clever and comical Turned
Up, preceded by the same author's little piece called Blackberries, which
was produced with some success in the country a short time ago, and in
which Miss Atherton climbs a tree and sings some songs, new and old.-

THE STRAND.-" NANCY AND CO."

Mr. Charles Duval has opened at the Prince's Hall with his monologue
Odds and Ends, enlarged and improved. NESTOR.

What may be Expected.

YE who long for schemes sublime
In favour of progression,
Look to have a lively time
In Parliament next session.
Each Tory member sings with
glee,
And glory is now bent for,
In fact some roaring fun you'll
see-
For Salisbury is sent for !
Look to see the same old game,
Which its name is Jingo;
Tories (who were lately tame)
Soon will prate war's lingo.

We know that Party can't untie
The Irish knot they went" for;
No proper scheme can they supply,
Now Salisbury is sent for,
Then, O ye Liberals, be on guard
(Both Unionists and others)
Lest Tories' progress should retard,
And cause no end of smothers.
If they show sense, you'll with them
work
(That's what M.P.s are meant for),
But they sound schemes will mostly
shirk,
Now Salisbury is sent for.

A SALLOW-FACED, clerical-looking young man, charged with fluffiness
in a public conveyance, said he was sober as a judge when taken into
custody, but the rocking of the omnibus, which must have had very
indifferent springs, made him feel sea-sick. His "Washup frowned
darkly, and shook his head decidedly when the young man, in a
plaintive voice, asked if he might be allowed to go out for an hour in
charge of a warrant officer, as he wished to do a little street preaching,
which he hoped would draw in enough shekels to pay the los. fine.
The young man shed an indignant tear as he went down to the cells,
yet he begged the magistrate to oblige him with a pinch of snuff and a
lock of his hair-just to show there was no ill feeling between them.

--

AUGUST 4, I886.

-.II -

I r_ V"J

AUGUST 4, 1886.

PUN..

45

I _ __ _ I

KNICKNAOKS.
O'DoNovAN ROSSA declares that his deeds are "pious." Those
lunatics who would apply that adjective to qualify the acts of mur-
derers, bandits,
swindlers, and
vile touts will no
doubt agree that
Rossa's little
games have a
flavour of piety
about them. Most
sane people who
4 h are opposed to
scoundrels who
live on the pro-
ceeds of the most
f despicable impose.
ture and theft can
but wonder at the
idiocy of the greedy victims who allow themselves to be entrapped by
the bait held out by this bombastic and bare-faced impostor. Though
his bait "jPlunder" is saturated with oleaginous humbug, it is so putrid,
and the trap is so redolent of bad tobacco and raw adulterated whisky,
that it is somewhat marvellous that even the silliest and vilest Irish rats
bite at it.

A BACHELOR savant tells us that the average weight of carbon in a
full-grown, healthy man's body is about thirty-one pounds. He
deducts that if married women could squeeze the carbon out of their
husbands, and get it coined into diamonds, they would all be happy;
and if husbands could take out the carbon in one solid chunk, during
family jars, and drop it deftly on the bunions of their mothers-in-law,
they would soon be emancipated from their serfdom.
A WANDERING poet has been sentenced to a month's imprisonment
for maliciously breaking three panes of glass in a public-house because
the publican would not listen to his verses. The gaoler said the poet was
well known, and that the prison officials always dreaded his arrival, as
he would persist in reciting his own poetry day and night, and no
punishment they were allowed to inflict seemed to prevent him from
doing so. Allow me to give yer a neat specimen of my work, yer
washup," croaked the prisoner. Before yer beold, debonhair, free and
gay, A beau just from -- Take that man down sharp," groaned
his worship, and drive a bung in his niouth."

MR. LYALL says, There is a certain uncertainty as to the security
of life and property in Texas which is a consideration with some people.
Nevertheless it seems that murderers and horse-thieves are continually
being "removed" with brisk promptitude; and it also appears that,
taking criminals all round, at least five lynchings occur for every
judicial execution. Texas is unquestionably a glorious country. But
mild, nervous, delicate humans, who dislike fevers, bullet-wounds, bowie-
knife slashes, good old-fashioned chills, and crude, raw whisky are not
wise in going out there. An excitable young friend of ours recently
returned from this happy land minus an eye, an ear, the tip of his
aquiline nose, and three fingers of his left hand. These portions of his
body were dropped in a scrimmage caused by his refusal to drink diluted
vitriol with an inebriated cowboy.

JOHN WESLEY was a good old man, and a descendant of his is now
stumping the States under the pseudonym of the Cowboy Evangelist."
Previous to his conversion," the cowboy evangelist was called a tough
case." Nothing charmed him more than a lively free-for-allfracas. He
is scarred in many places, and still carries a few stray bullets about in
his body that have not yet been recovered. Mr. Wesley never uses
swear-words or fights now, except when he gets out of temper with
hard-shell sinners who won't be "converted" at any price. In such
cases, after regular rough up-and-down tumbles, the hard-shell sinners
generally look as if they had been run through a sausage machine.

IN these bad times, even Royalty itself sometimes suffers from im-
pecuniosity. An unfortunate and hard up Prince of the gipsies, for
example, charged with straying from the direct paths of sobriety, and
getting slightly under the weather, was ordered to pay a fine of five
shillings, or go to prison for seven days with hard labour. His Royal
Highness being unable to find the money, retired into the cell
saying: "I hope to be a monarch with a crown or two in my pocket
when my father dies."

A JEALOUS lover, who bit the end of his rival's nose off recently at
Birmingham, cynically remarked that his opponent had been a regular
Don Juan; but the removal of his conk would put an end to his
conquests for ever.

YARNS BY A SEA-SIDE SAILOR.
KNOT THE SECOND.-A ROMANCE OF RAMSGATE.
IT was a City Magnate grave, who sat upon the sand, and gazed
upon the briny sea, remarking it was grand, and ogled pretty batheresses
with expression bland. It was a tart-like damsel came and squatted at
his side, and answered his enquiries on the state of wind and tide, and
helped the sunny moments at a double pace to glide. It was a bold
photographer, with an appealing smile, who asked the cooing couple to
be taken in that style for ninepence, and he stated wouldd take but a
little while.
That City Magnate ordered him to take himself away, and asked his
fair companion if she'd like to spend the day in gardens famed for tea
and shrimps at classic Pegwell Bay. Before that damsel gave him an
affirmative reply, a negative was taken very coolly on the sly, by the
unabashed photographer, who came up by-and-bye, and hailed that
City Magnate, to his horror by his name, exhibiting a portrait, and
demanding for the same, the sum of ten pounds sterling and a shilling for
the frame. The photographed one stormed, and words of wrath were
growing rife, he stamped and vowed he wouldn't have the picture on
his life. "All right," said the photographer, "I'll send it to your
wife." The aged party "parted," and departed in a huff; the artist to
the damsel said, "I didn't ask enough. No matter Sal, we'll liquor
up, and then divide the stuff."

SWell, I'm a-doin' putty well," he said; "but what trade wants is a proper
Government. Then we should make our fortunes."

So he used to shut up his shop daily to go out and talk over that proper
Government, and carry the "right" candidate's banner.

And when they were tired of waiting, they used to go away.

And, bless us I if a dull sort of fellow who took not the least interest in politics,
and was always stuck behind the counter, didn't come and set up a rival shop
next door: and actually make a nice little bit, and retire.

And-more incredible than all 1-if the Politician, on returning from success-
fully getting the right candidate in, didn't find he'd got the broker's man in too I

46

0

--- -------- ---- ------.-------~ ~.---..---, ~_~..

UETJN o-AuGUST 4, 1886.

THE INFANT GOVERNMENT.
Fond Parent.-" OH, THE PRETTY DEAR! NEVER MIND ITS HARTINGTONS; IT SHALL TODDLE ALL BY ITSELF."

48 FIUN. AUGUST 4, 1886.

VIS INERTILE.
[" A murderous assault was lately made by a convict upon a warder. The convict
commenced the attack with a stone-breaking hammer, and continued it with a pick.
The warder endeavoured to run his assailant through with his sword ; but, on touching
his clothes, the weapon bent like a piece of hoop-iron. His staff also broke as soon
as he used it."]
THE PUBLIC. Hullo! Tommy Atkins' and Cheeks the Marine's
weapons have
bent like lead
when they
tried to use
'em on the
St enemy. This
won't do. I
want to know
about this.
THE OPTI-
MISTIC AND
Sh CONFIDING
PRESS.` Some
one has blun-
Sdered. The
British people
will never
stand silently
by and see the
lives of its gallant defenders sacrificed to the mistake of a department.
Let there, then, be a full and searching inquiry into this matter.
THE P. Yes, I want an inquiry. I want to know all about it.
OFFICIALDOM (to Contractor). He, he! He wants to know all about
it All about my incapacity and jobbery, and-
CONTRACTORDOM. Eh, ma tear ? Blesh me He wants to know a
leetle too much, doesn't he? That wouldn't be convenient, ma tear.
'Shelp me, don't you let things out !
OFF. My dear boy, is it likely? You may be sure I won't let 'em
rake up more than I'm obliged to. Are not your interests and mine
interwoven and inseparable? It'll be all right: we just start on a little
sham inquiry on the subject of Atkins' bayonet, and then drop it as
soon as the Public is lulled. What do Tommy's and Cheeks' weapons
matter? It isn't a thousandth part of my little muddles. For instance,
there's the Policeman's Truncheon, and the Warden's Sword, and the
Claptrap Cartridge, and the Naval Gun, and the-
THE OPT. AND CONF. P. An inquiry is to be held into the matter of
Tommy Atkins' Bayonet. That it will be full, searching, and sufficient
there is no reason to doubt. The mind of the public is aroused, &c.,
&c.; and by thus threshing the matter out, the repetition of such scan.
dals will be rendered impossible, &c., &c.
THE P. Ah, I'm glad to read that; that's very satisfactory. I can
go to sleep now, assured that all official blundering is for ever at an end.
I must say that my officials are always quite ready, and even anxious,
that their doings should be thoroughly investigated. (Goes to sleep.)
OFF. Aba That's all right. We can let the inquiry quietly drop
now, and bury the whole unpleasant subject.
CONTRACTORDOM. Ah, my tear, thatsh much nicer, ain't it? Now
we can go on comfortably as before, eh ?

THE P. Why, here's the Policeman's Truncheon found to be made of
rubbish now. I want to know
about this !
THE OPT. AND CONF. P. The
discovery of the uselessness of
the Policeman's Truncheon casts
some discredit upon the methods
by which those responsible for,
&c., &c. However, the rigid
inquiry which will doubtless take
place will render a repetition of
the evil absolutely, &c., &c.
OFF. Hullo! another little
inquiry, eli? Ah, well, they
don't cost me anything, and
we're quite used to 'em now,
and well up in the management
of 'em.
THE P. Ah, there's to be an
inquiry, so that's all right. We
shall have no more abuses after
that. (Goes to sleep again.)
OFF. He, he! Good He's
off sound enough. Nobody to
blame for anything; and a bill v.
for the Public to pay for the
inquiry. *
THE P. Why, there's the Claptrap Cartridge gone wrong, and the

Naval Gun threatening to kill its gunners, and the Warder's Sword and
Staff rotten, and--
THE OPT. AND CONF. P. We cannot but hope that some sort of in.
quiry will be instituted into the matter of the Warder's Sword, &c., &c.
The Public will assuredly hold someone responsible for, &c., &c.
OFF. Ho, ho He, he I What a dreadful threat to be sure! We
shall never get over it.
CONT. He, he, he Vot a terrible shentleman that Public is to be
sure! I'm tremblit' like an ashpen, shelp me! Letsh trot out the
usual inquiry.
OFF. Let's see. Where is it? Oh, there in the corner. Just help
me to dust it.

THE P. An inquiry? Oh, that's most satisfactory !
THE OPT. AND CONF. P. The fact that a rigorous inquiry, &c., &c.,
assures us of the impossibility of any future scandals, &c., &c.
MR. FUN. Oh, indeed? Does it? Well, now suppose we have a
new sort of inquiry-quite out of the beaten track, eh ? Let's put
somebody on his defence, and find out who is the offender, and give
him a little matter of seven years penal, if he is found to deserve it.
Let's be a little less mealy-mouthed than we always have been when
dealing with an offender who happens to wear a great white waistcoat,
and commit large crimes. There-there's the dock ready : now, who's
to enter it ?
ALL THE PROPRIETIES. Oh, dear what a dreadfully indecorous
suggestion Just as if it was a common signalman who had endangered
people's lives, instead of great gentlemen in white waistcoats. We feel
quite faint.

A-Sash-ination;
OR, A FASHIONABLE FRIVOL.
(With several apologies to Bard Broms.)
[The Sashes lately adopted by the ladies are daily worn larger and larger.-See
Fashion 7omrnals.
ALL people bow at Fashion's Shrine,
Especially where there cash is, 0 1
And the latest thing in Fashion's line
Is most extensive sashes, O !
Chorus.
We've seen those sashes, 0!
Red and green sashes, !
In fact, all hues the ladies choose
For vast and varied sashes, O !
That lovely and all-conquering sex,
Who in man's heart makes gashes, !
Will now still more man's mind perplex
By flying such big sashes, O !-(Chorus.)
For now, where Fashion's nymphs are seen,
Through man this thought now flashes, 0!
That maybe all the darlings mean
To hide themselves in sashes, O !-(Chorus.)
And, oh if Woman should do this,
We'd need sackcloth and ashes, 0!
Then do not rob us of our bliss
You fine and large new sashes, O !-(Chorus.)
Who but reveres the lovely dears ?
Love meant us for their "mashes," O
And so, why plan to draw poor man
By adding large-sized sashes, 0!
Chorus.
But still they wear those sashes, O I
And sweet are those sashes, 0!
Like window-frames our maids and dames
Now need a lot of sashes, 0 !

The "Irish" Question.
(NOT THE SAME AS THE OTHER.)
THE "Irish" Question that we sometimes hear
Is, "Pray, whose Irish whisky's deemed A I. ?"
To this some answer with a love sincere,
Why, Allman's, made at Bandon "-so thinks FUN.
SIndeed, this Allman's is for All-men fit,
And proper judges ne'er a-Bandon it "

A BETTING-MAN sat and watched with interest and excitement the
perpetration of a violin and piano duet. A dead heat, by Jove !" he
exclaimed, as both instruments wound up at the same time.

---- --

AUGUST 4, 886. F TJ 49

A FEW THINGS THAT THEY DON'T MANAGE BETTER IN FRANCE."
That "they manage things better in France" is proverbial. But the captious visitor to Gaul discovers some room for improvement.

As for road-paving--well, just try the
courtyards of the Louvre and the Palace
at Versailles I

Much might be learnt, too, by the Parisian army of And if railway platforms were a little higher than two
"sergents de ville," from A in the matter of regulation or three inches, getting in and out of a train would not
of traffic, be gymnastic operations.

And what do you think of the above as
samples of military tailoring?

OUR SISTER.
[Began her university studies at the age of eight,
when thirteen she became a B.A., and now, at nineteen,
she is a fully qualified physician and surgeon. Fancya
female B.A. of thirteen discoursing on hideous diseases
with six-syllabled names, and correctly diagnosing and
prescribing for her brothers and sisters- -Evening
Paper.]
SHE left us when the days were long,
And all the land flowed milk and honey;
Our mother's heart was full of song,
And father's pockets full of money.
But things went wrong when mother died,
And father seemed heart-broken nearly,
And wanted some one by his side
Besides a pack of rough boys, clearly.
And so 'twas settled out of hand
That Polly should come home, for no man,
Father said, a house could stand
Without a useful, clever woman.
And Dr. Brown was overcome
With joy, and said how very jolly
'Twould be for all to have her home-
Our clever, useful, sister Polly.
And so she came, and father gave
Her full command of Bills and Bessies;
And told us each to be her slave,
And gave her keys of doors and presses ;

And bade us, if we'd please him, we
Must just obey her to the letter
Unquestioned, for all learned she,
While we were fools--or little better.
She labelled all preserves the same
With classic names-the memory tickles !-
And said the cook was most to blame
For having made a pie of pickles I
She gave us onion-sauce with ham,
And ordered mint-sauce for spring chickens;
And when we begged for Hogg or Lamb,
She said she much preferred Charles Dickens.
The gardener once made bold to ask
If he had better graft the cherries;
She set him there and then a task
To find what Virgil said on berries.
Her lover found her crying once,
And begged of her to tell the reason
She said, "Why, don't you know, you dunce,
A tear points to some central Hiesion ?"
He left her crying-heartless, base-
She sued for damages, and filed it;
Appeared, conducted her own case,
"Ten thousand drachmas," as she styled it.
She gave up "keeping house" in time,
As father said, or rather hinted,
Her new cosmogony in rhyme"
Simply must be penned and printed.

The taste of beef beneath her breath
She thinks she knows from veals and muttons;
She's certain Bacon wrote Macbeth,
And sews Hooks on our shirts for buttons.
She knows where Villon's verse won't scan,
Where Aischilus wrote shocking grammar;-
She'd sooner trust her heart to man
Than her small fossil-box and hammer !
She understands "Sordello," too,
And Emerson's brain-cracking "Brahma,"
And thinks The Cenci good and true
Compared with Jones and Herman's drama.
She's very Catholic in taste-
Thinks Zola's Nana light and leading;
But cannot find the time to waste
On Adam Bede," and such light reading.
When one of us is sick in bed
She regulates our draughts and fuel,
And nearly left poor John for dead
By mixing ars nic with his gruel.
She's still unmarried, strange to say,
For learning's now a social blister;
It draws her from herself each day-
Poor pretty, clever, useful sister I

MEN OF MANY WORDs.-Webster and
Walker.

- ._- w f

t~eP I

50 'U N AUGUST 4, 1886.

HOW HE EXPLAINED IT.
Mrs. Pawkins (severely).-" AGAIN INTOXICATED, MR. PAWKINS !"
Mr. P. (sure of himself, in spite of an intermittent hiccup).-" No,
MY DEAR-NOT THIS TIME. ONLY A LITTLE ABSINTHE-MINDED."

LAMMAS MONDAY AWFUL.
LAMMAS MONDAY Now what on earth is the good of it all. It
positively makes me sick to hear of it. Sir John Lubbock was a
benefactor to the hard-working. I don't think anything of the sort.
What did he want to give them more opportunities of guzzling and
drinking for ? Isn't it enough that they have Saturdays and Sundays to
drink on without giving 'em other days ? I think I see 'em all-third
class carriages stuffed with people stuffing; people eating sandwiches
and drinking rum and shrub; women packing themselves nigh to
death with shrimps, and watercresses, and winkles, and what not. I
hate it all. What do they want with eight hours at the sea-side for ?
I'd like to give most of 'em eight days in the House of Correction. To
see them sitting on the sands too with great baskets of food, capering
about and yelling like hymnas. Bah I You should see them at Hamp-
stead Heath. Beer all day, then tea and shrimps, and then swings.
Donkey riding too. What right, I should like to know, have the lower
orders to ride on donkeys? Baroness Burdett Coutts keeps a donkey.
She has got a husband, and she can do what she likes in her position.
But they ought not to be allowed to.
When I was a young man there was none too much of this galli-
vanting off in trains. Workmen stayed at home in the morning, and
drank a good deal at the Magpie and Stump," or what not. In the
evening they walked off the effects of the beer with their families in
Agar Fields, or Battersea, or somewhere like that. They'll all be
wanting to go to Mexico at Easter soon. In the old days they went to
Greenwich and rolled down the hill, or they went rat-catching in the
fields-quite enough amusement that for any of them.
Exhibitions, indeed I I have always hated the day when that big
cucumber-frame was set up at Kensington, and called the World's
Fair. Who wants exhibitions,iI should like to know? I don't, for one,
that's very certain. What's the good of staring at big trophies of
pickles and corn-flour ? What's the good of sitting and hearing bands
play, while people walk round and round the gardens till they get
giddy? People had a good fair formerly. They went and saw the
fat ladies, and the boxing and the circus; that sort of thing was quite
enough for them, and they went home happy and contented.
"Will I subscribe to Jones's beanfeast ?-it comes on a Bank
Holiday." No, I won't subscribe to Jones's beanfeast, because it does
come on Bank Holiday.
Bank Holiday Pah 1 Years ago my father had a clerk, who

stayed with him all his life. He never wanted any holidays. He once
had a holiday, and he spent it smoking an ounce of shag tobacco in his
front area I That's a proof that working men don't want Bank
Holidays. Bank Holidays! DIOGENES TUBBS.

Bank Holiday!
WHAT are the features of August Bank Holiday?
Lads with their lasses, a noisy and jolly day;
Girls with their sweethearts, a Molly and Polly day;
Men with their bow-wows, pug, bull-dog, and colley day;
Niggers with banjos, a Yup, yup I Oh, Golly !" day;
Three shies a penny, Aunt Sally, and dolly day;
Shooting for nuts in a regular volley day;
Sunshine and half-and-half, headachy folly day;
All in good temper, though, no melan-choly day-
These are some features of August Bank Holiday.

An Isle of Man-date.
SoME Home Rule students have recently shown
That the Isle of Man's contented,
Because the Manx have a Rule of their own,
Of which they have ne'er repented.
So they argue that Ireland should have such Rule,
Then it couldn't upset society-
They forget that the Manx, as a rule, are cool-
They've no Leaguers" to cause them (M)anx-iety.

New Leaves.
"LONDON and Elsewhere," by Thomas Purnell (T. Fisher Unwin).
-We think we like the "Elsewhere" as well as we like "London";
but either is agreeable in the company of Mr. Purnell, who beguiles the
way in cheerful chat, on past and present times, as he leads us into
many pleasant places, especially Holland.
"Our Lady Queen," by Chas. H. Ross (Judy Office). In his happy,
fragmentary style, Mr. Ross has compiled a very entertaining chronicle
of events in the Lie of Our Lady, which will be welcomed by all her
loyal subjects.
The time is coming fast, if it is not already come, when such handy
little Guide Books, as the Royal Route to the Highlands" (David Bryce
and Sons, Glasgow) are indispensable.

A Cut at the "Oloth."
A REVEREND gentleman, named Manwaring, was recently charged
with violently attacking a youth who annoyed him by running down the
Primrose League. It is a pity that so flowery a league should have
caused a parson to act so ill-league-ally. Fancy a Man-waring such a
bad temper.

A REJECTED candidate for a footman's situation, recently wrote to a
gentleman thusly:-"Deer Sur-Your hobjesseuns to me bein a married
man is now dun away with, I ham appy to hinform you my wife was
put under the ground last Friday.
I ham, your obedient servant, ADOLPHUS JONES.

MR. FUN FLYING FROM BANK HOLIDAY.

- ----------

AUGUST 4, i886. FUN' 51

BEAUTIES OF SHAKESPEARE.
BURLESQUED BY OUR BACCHANALIAN ARTIST-WELL ON THE
BOOM.

"I HAVE THEE NOT, AND YET I SEE THEE STILL."--Macbetk.

A 2,000 BREAKFAST.
THE STORY OF AN UNFORTUNATE BANK HOLIDAY.
I AM a Burglar !
As twelve highly intelligent gentlemen have sworn to the fact, I see
no reason why I should attempt to.hide my light under a bushel.
I was at the top of my profession, until an old owl in a horsehair wig,
acting on the opinion of the above dozen respectabilities, gave me seven
years board and lodging, free, gratis, for nothing. Kind-hearted old
imbecile, I wish I had him here.
I'll tell you how I came to grief, and the way I passed my last Bank
Holiday, before I went on a protracted visit to Her Majesty at her
palace of Portland.
I knew a Bank wherein the real gold lay.
It was absolutely necessary that I should have the means of enjoying
myself on the first Monday in August, and I knew no just cause or
impediment why that Bank should not provide me with the wherewithal
to spend a happy day.
It seemed unnecessary to arouse the Manager and Cashiers from their
well-merited repose on Sunday, for the sake of going through several
entirely useless formalities. So shortly after dusk on the Sunday, I
entered the Bank, without disturbing them (I was always deemed the
most considerate burglar inthe profession), by means of a small,
unguarded window in the rear of the building.
For neatness, dexterity, and despatch,nothing could compare with the
manner in which I effected an entrance into the strong room.
I have the evidence of two of the most celebrated detectives in London
that I was the only man in the profession who could have'done it.
It.was rather disappointing to find that,skill met with but poor reward.
There was plenty of money there, thousands and thousands, but all in
0oo notes, and I need hardly tell you that gentlemen of my profession
find it difficult to turn notes of such value into current coin of the realm.
However, I filled my pockets with them on the chance of their coming
i handy, if only. for pipe-lights; and then, as I turned to leave, I
stumbled, liy shoulder. knocked against the iron door, which closed with
my weight and snapped to, hard and fast, with a spring, and there was
Ia prisoner in the strong room of the Bank, with my tools on the other
side.
I knew that escape was impossible. I was caught like a rat in a trap,

with no chance of being liberated till the clerks came in the morning
and opened the strong room.
Well, luckily I had my pipe with me, so sitting down on a plate
chest and resting my elbow on a box containing the famous sparkling
diamonds, I smoked philosophically, wondering how many years I
should get for this bit of business ; smoked till I fell asleep.
When I awoke, the sun was shining through a little grating which
admitted air and light to the strong room. I knew the morning must
be well advanced, and I listened, and listened for the arrival of the
cashier, for my position was cramped; the plate chest was hard and
angular, and I was frantically hungry. No one came. All was silent
as the grave.
Then, in an instant, it flashed into my mind it was the first Monday
in August; Bank Holiday; and I was a prisoner for another four and
twenty hours, with nothing to eat, tobacco exhausted, and not so much
as a pillow to rest my head on. I have an acquaintance with most of
the police cells of the metropolis, and bad as most of them are, I would
willingly have changed the Bank strong-room for any one of them.
Besides, I was famished, and would have hailed 'the regulation prison
fare with delight.
"Oh, miserable Bank Holiday!" I cried! "Oh, never-to-be-
sufficiently execrated Lubbock, it is ,to you I owe this hateful incarcera-
tion. But for you I might now be lodged as becomes a gentleman of
my profession at Bow Street or the Mansion House."
The pangs of hunger became more and more intense. I put a Ioo
note between my teeth, and invoked the aid of imagination.
"This," said I, "this represents endless dishes of tripe, buckets,
bowls, and basins of real turtle, ortolans, quail on toast, lampreys, liver
and bacon, winkles, and all the luxuries in and out of season."
Then, as I chewed another "promise to pay," I added, "There are
champagne, sherry wine, imperial Tokay, dog's-nose, and half-and-half
pouring in cataracts down my throat," and so strong is the power of
imagination that I absolutely felt intoxicated.
Another note supplied me, mentally, with hot-house grapes, peaches,
nectarines, pine-apples, and Limburger cheese, and, feasting thus, the
weary hours passed away.
Expensive though my meal was, for when they rescued me in the
morning I had eaten twenty 1oo notes, I was faint for want of food
and incapable of offering any resistance, as, with quite unnecessary
roughness, they hauled me before a magistrate, who at once committed
me for trial.
Still I have the proud knowledge that, besides being the cleverest
burglar in London, I am the only man who ever eat 2,000 in twenty-
four hours, and this consoles me in the chastening solitude of my prison
cell.

A Gang-lion.
[A dally paper alludes to the members of the now Cabinet as belonging to the new
and old "gangs."
THE old gang or the new gang-it doesn't matter which
So long as they can give the land a boon;
But if neither of these gangs is with the great B.P. In touch,
You may reckon that away they'll both "gang soon.

SPORTING NOTE.
(BY ONE THAT KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT It,)

"LATEST SCRATCHING.

OW TO COaanaRpONDENTS.- 749 daigo aoct asr ina himnself to acknowledge, return. or )ayfor Contributions. In no care will they be ; ft'rsed unlesw
ccompaxied b), a staos/id and directed eavelot.

FUN.

AUGUST 4, 1886.

'APPY 'AMPSTEAD; OR, THE TORY BANK 'OLIDAY.
"LORD HARTINGTON HAS DECLINED TO JOIN THE TORY ADMINISTRATION, BUT HAS PROMISED TO GIVE IT A QUALIFIED
SUPPORT."- Vide Daily Papers.

The Infant Government.
(SEE CARTOON.)
WHEN you're through your paces put,
And don't feel quite sure of foot,
You'll be ready-
Probably-to grasp a hand
Able to support you and
Keep you steady.
Such assistance is, they say,
Fraught with comfort in its way
To a baby;
And I've heard its charm is known
E'en to persons fully grown-
Well, it may be.
Master S., his parents' pride,
Falters somewhat in his stride;
And, I'm thinking,

Could he by cajolery
Get Lord H.'s hand, that he
Would, like winking,
No, that aid he can't bespeak;
But he's not one of your weak
Molly-coddles;
So, already taught to talk,
By himself he tries to walk-
Little toddles.

PRIOE, ONE SmHILING"; Post-free, Is. Sd
THE RIVER OF LIFE,
By JOHN LATEY, JUN.
"'Tis a well-contrived story, with incident rife. By
John Latey, Junior--'The River.of Life.' "-Punch.
"The story is full of interesting scenes admirably
told."-Illustrated Lonqonm News.
"The changes are skilfully rung on love, revenge,
and sensation."-Morning Post.
"' The River' is just the kind for a Bookseller's Row,
and the publishers will get a good 'sail.' It is a river
in which everyone who wishes for a pleasant hour should
take a dip."-" Dagonet," in the Re/tree.
"An exciting tale, in which animated descriptions of
dramatic and sporting scenes are interwoven with
ingenious plot."-Dai/y News.
"' One of the most startling and sensational of the
new shilling novels."-Lady's Pictorial.
153 FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C.

DON'T BE CHEATED!
SEE THAT A n % I'

AECJAMKES Cadbury's
YOU GET Uanl~l rCV

I N BLACK GUARANTEED
UUIIO E LEAD. PUREAND
Used in the Royal Household. 8LUBLE. o o0
No dust, or smaUl particles fly about to ijure Ganrents. C oao
Drapey, Pictures .arpets. Furniture, Ornaments, &c.,and OF IMITATIONS,
rtap""'""n poll "C"Tts?" BEWARE OF IMITATIONS.
its brilat polish increases the attractions of the fireside.
London : Printed by Dalulel Brothers at their Camdon Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at xz3 Fleet Street, B.C.
Wednesday, August 4th, 1886.

52

_ "ill,

I

II

--- :

r aj day rday a Jlo i
S e days "p tW iver d t

.rf a day a 1st Jloutrs at the seAssde.

MORE OFF-'UNS. (See Last Week.)

VOL. XLIV.-NO. t IC9.

54 U N AUGUST II, 1886.

SLASHES AND PUFFS.
THE PRINCE's.-When, in the execution of my duty, I sat through
the whole five acts of Mr. Boucicault's latest venture: The 7ilt, I felt,

^ .^ r. ( !.:1

for the first time in my life that I was the right man in the wrong place.
Sporting characters, male and female, sporting phrases in large con-
signments, and sporting business of an old theatrical type, were so
plentifully provided in The Jilt, that I felt the only proper person of
Mr. FUN'S staff (which, like Mr. S. Weller's knowledge of London is
both "extensive and peculiar ") able to thoroughly guage this strange
piece, would be the droll, but disreputable TRoPHONIus. And yet,
even that persistent wrong 'un (if I may be allowed the expression)
would, I fear, have squirmed considerably at some of the startling turf
business which the Old Playwriting Hand (Mr. B., aforesaid) has
arranged in his play. I fancy if the Eminently Unreliable Prophet
just mentioned, had found (as is the case in The 7ilt), that anybody and
everybody seems to be allowed to ride any favourite he may select for
the Yorkshire Cup; that the vast concourse of painted people on the
race-course can have their shouts (without) stilled by a few words uttered
from a private box sort of tent near the stand, and that above all, when
the first favourite's jockey is thrown just as the race starts, a young
lady (who was cradled in a manger," according to the bill of the play)
can, and does jump on to the fleeting horse and ride him to the post;
and that the author, should after all, so successfully keep the audience
from finding out which horse wins; at all this, I say, the E. U. P.
would probably have wept bitter tears, and have gone about the lobbies
of the theatres, seeking consolation by drinking with all and sundry-
especially sundry.

I HAVE not yet been able to discover why this piece need have been
called The Jilt, for the lady who is supposed to deserve that unenviable
appellation was a mild and colourless character.
THE two best parts-Myles O'Hara, otherwise Referee," and Kitty

COMEDY.-BERRY BLACK.'
Woodstcck, described as a "Great Yorkshire Heiress "-were cleverly
played by the veteran playwright himself and his new young and
charming wife, Miss Thomdyke, from the U.S.A. A sudden and sure

success was made by a Mrs. Mary Barker (also from the States), as the
widow who trains race-horses, and leave bundles of bank-notes-the
earnings of her life-all about the training stable. This lady, if she can
be persuaded to stay on here, should do well. For the rest a very
strong company of actors and actresses too numerous to mention (but
for which see small bills) wasted their sterling abilities, and in the
ladies' cases their sweetness on some of the "leanest" parts ever
accepted by players who have some claim to be served with "fat."
" Fat" is, I need hardly tell you, a thing with which pros. are much
in-fat-uated.

DRURY LANE.-Although I say it who should not, no one in this
little village called London, or out of it, can give off more gracefulness
in a stated time than the humble and modest individual who now
addresses you. Nevertheless, I accepted an invitation to the Lane'
a few mornings ago, to be lectured by Mr. and Mrs. Russell (from
New York) On the Harmony and Expression of Motion." I found
Mr. and Mrs. R. both possessing (as a police reporter might say)
"considerable personal attractions "-especially Mrs. R., whose pretty
little face some one has described as being "quite spring-like," what-
ever that may be. Mr. and Mrs. R. proceeded to preach a doctrine
according to Delsarte, and in the course of their illustrations contrived
to show us how to gracefully express anything and everything-not to
mention nothing- by means of action-as,'how to raise your hat
without (as it seems some of us unconsciously do) conveying an insult;
how properly waggle your fingers, so as to express varied shades of
emotion : in fact, Mr. and Mrs. Russell showed us in their interesting
lecture how to carry ourselves generally under any or all circumstances
of life. One thing however, they omitted to tell us, and that was, how

-CONT WTION/ Jilt

OPERA COMIQUE.-THE FOOL'S REVENGE-FLIGHT.
to waggle our Left Ear-a matter that often perplexed that profound
philosopher, Lord Dundreary.
THE LYCEUM.-At this house, a few nights ago, Miss Ellen Terry
took her benefit and Mr. Irving took his leave for a few months. In
the course of the now-inevitable speech (without which no management
is supposed to be complete), Mr. Irving bade us look for the almost
immediate retirement of that Grand Old Woman, Mrs. Stirling, a state-
ment which was, of course, received with general regret. The popular
actor-manager also slyly hinted that, since the song which he sings in
Faust had been so well received, he might "turn his attention to
opera." Notwithstanding this awful threat, which, strange to say, was
received with laughter rather than with horror, I wish Mr. I. well, and
trust he will enjoy his little holiday in the more or less glorious climate
of America

NODS AND WINKs.-The Comedy has successfully opened under Mr.
Edouin, with Mr. M. Melford's funny piece Turned Up, and a new one-
act piece called Blackberries, by the same author. This cast is not a
very ripe production, still, it gives good scope for the versatility and viva-
ciousness of the frolicsome Alice Atherton. There is an A I company,
in fact, it couldn't well be A I-er.-At Toole's, the tuneful Billee Taylor
has again bobbed up serenely from below, and is once more causing
considerable amusement.-At the Haymarket, the Vaughan-Conway
combination are doing the School for Scandal.-At the Opera Comique
The Fool's Revenge (as you will see by the above illustration) has had
notice to quit. Bachelors will take its place.-Mr. Edward Compton
and Co. opened at the Strand on Monday with Garrick.-Perhaps the
Drury Lane sporting drama will be called Good Luck-perhaps it won't.
NESTOR.

AUGPST II, 1886. FTUN 55

SOME PEOPLE WHO ARE OUT OF TOWN.

Mr. 'Arry Alf Tomkins starts this day on Lady Scantofcoin and Lady Alicia Scantofcoin are visiting Mr. Bill Bludgeon is at present enjoying the rural retire-
an ocean trip. the chief places of interest in the Tyrol. ment of Portland.

*" -p \ I t% % W, \m """ -- T" 551AI
A. Tramp. Esq., is engaged on a pedestrian Mrr. Dunnedtodeath is likewise out of town. He is likely As for this little chap, he has not left London yet; in
tour of the United Kingdom. Public buildings to make a very protracted stay. fact, he has only just "come to town.'
claim much of his attention.

A SQUABBLE WITH THE SEA.
THE seaside? What on earth does any one want to go there for?
It's had enough to have to put up with the wretched cooking at home,
without having to go a hundred miles or so to find worse. Now what
is all the good of it? If you live in lodgings by the sea you are nearly
murdered with the smell of bad fat mutton. Living at a hotel means
simply pulling at the bell without anyone answering it, or else yelling
"waiter" all the day, and never getting waited on. As to ozone !
Pah! People in my time had a great deal more sense than to go
babbling away about such rubbish. People then went to the seaside
for the fun of the thing. They didn't pretend any nonsense about ozone
doing them any good. Not they. They went to the seaside to eat and
drink more than usual. And they owned up to it. And what in the
name of common sense is the good of the seaside after all? Sitting on
the sands so that the crabs may crawl up your trousers and bite your
ankles. Sitting on the cliffs for the flies to get on your face and drive
you crazy. It drives me nearly crazy to think of it. And walking up
and down a pier Why you might just as well go and steal something
and have a month on the treadmill so far as the pleasure of the thing is
concerned. Bosh And do you think at my time of life I could find
the least possible pleasure in driving about in Scarborough pony things
to watch the idiots sauntering about ? Not I. And what should I do
at Dawlish? All that Dawlish is good for is lobsters.
I hate Devonshire, and always did. Do I like New Quay? No, I
don't. It's a regular snob's camp. The ferns are good out west. Are
they? Well, when I want ferns I can buy them by the pot in Covent
Garden, without having all the trouble of a railway journey for them.
I might go to Yarmouth. Might I go to Yarmouth? Why?
There's fishing in the Yare. Is there fishing in the Yare ? So there may
be, as far as I'm concerned. I wouldn't take the trouble to bend a
brass pin, even if I thought I could catch a whale.

Bournemouth, indeed a parcel of whey-faced respectable humbugs.
Then go to Margate. No, sir, I shall not go to Margate. I don't care
a rap, sir, for Cobb's ale; and I don't care a rap for the Hall-by-the-Sea.
Fancy I see myself at the Hall-by-the-Sea. Fancy my finding any
amusement in walking up to the Flagstaff, and squinting over the sea
with opera glasses. Bosh sir; bosh I And as to Ramsgate I What's
the good of my crawling about in front of the Granville. I don't care
whether it's a clear day, and I can see the French coast. Hang the
French coast! As to Broadstairs a hole only fit for retired school-
mistresses. Catch me walking about on the cliffs. Hang the North
Foreland I say. What I mean is, why can't you all stop at home and
enjoy yourselves? Read the daily papers, and look after your livers.
That's pleasure enough for anyone.
DIOGENES TUBBS.

'Tis Gene-Ralli So.
[The Ralli Car is now all the go.]
FROM this it would seem, don't you know ?
That the Ralli Car's used in the Row,
And handy the users have found it.
And since 'tis considered the thing-
To this car.even car-pers will cling-
Yea, in swarms they will all Ralli round it,
But let's hope that no rider or rideress will
Indulge, like friend Clown, in a "Ralli" and "spill."

AT an Irish race-meeting a notice was issued to the effect that, unless
all the horses were in their places at a stated time, the race would pro-
ceed without them.

56 IF '1T N AUGUST II, 1886.

SEASIDE SKETCHES.-BATHING AND BATHERS. KNIOKNAOKS.
A RENOWNED Viennese opera basso has just died of paralysis of the
brain, induced by overworking himself in mastering Wagnerian parts.
'be wondered at. A critic once said of
one of Wagner's pieces :-" As far as
I could understand, it began with

aboriginal savages, and ended with an
__ intensified description of modern civili-
sation, which culminates in tall disasters
and big accidents ; then comes a general
Sg and indiscriminate smash of railway
passengers and carriages, till at length
Small are promiscuously lolled over a high
bridge into a boiling flood, and are
swept away by the roaring torrent."
SA few years ago, when the Wagner
craze was booming round gaily, a
young lady with whom we were ac-
quainted went mad on the Bayreuth master's music. We visited her the
-- -, -- C- to other day at a private asylum. She was still squalling notes from his
-celebrated air Dasdtunezekatzdiedton," in Gatterddnlmmerung.
SAN impressionable old man of Berlin, was tried recently for picking
ladies' pockets. Seventy-five dainty French cambric, clear lawn, and
S_ oIrish cambric mouchoirs, belonging to members of the fair sex, were
S.. found on his person. They were all charmingly laced, embroidered,
j- cand initial-lettered. His counsel in his defence said: My client is an
S- tes elderly gentleman of taste, with an intense, and, I think you will admit,
a justifiable admiration for pretty women. His esteem-nay! reverence,
takes the following form: Whenever he sees a particularly lovely daughter
Sg of Eve, he gazes at her in a respectful, yet tender manner, and attempts
to obtain, as a souvenir, some object that belongs to her. He is
generally successful! Hence the number of handkerchiefs found on
him. He admits he stole the property; but his thefts are the
devotional depredations of an appreciative worshipper of the loveliest
gems that grace and enliven a dull prosaic world. Had a collection of
gentlemen's hem-stitched Pongees, Corahs, and Bandannas been
discovered in his pocket, I would not have undertaken his defence';
but as the case stands, I unhesitatingly demand the acquittal of my most
'Ale discriminating soft-hearted client." The impressionable old man of
Berlin was acquitted midst female applause, that was impossible for the
Court to suppress, and he was smothered in kisses when he got into the
street, and called a positive angel of a man by delighted damsels of
high degree.

IT seems that about 25,000 bachelors in Montana, of all ages, sizes,
-' shapes and qualifications want wives. It is said that nearly all these
desolate creatures have comfortable bank accounts, and would marry
e t on sight at the smallest provocation, and come up to the scratch with
the sharpest nailed virago.

___ .---- 1 cTHE purveyors of news to Yankee society still continue to make good
"copy' out of the President of the United States. According to the
notes of several brilliant reporters, who bang round the Big Chiefs
scullery door, we learn that Mr. Cleveland has an economical disposi-
4 tion, no luxurious tastes, and is seldom under the influence of the rosy
god. His tastes run to the esthetic, and it is rare he whispers State
secrets to politicians who smell of garlic and stale beer mixed. He
always uses new and genuine money, and never by any chance manu-
Sfactures his own notes or dollars. He is tolerably honest for a
politician, and has little love for walking-eighteen-carat-frauds." He
was not born with a golden spoon in his mouth, nor a caul on his pate,
.and never more than three birches a year were worn out on his juvenile
back. He is a patient, forbearing man, and calmly announces that
_-- every day longer he lives with his wife the more he is smitten by her.
_- He takes his pleasure in hard work, and often varnishes his own patent
leather shoes-at least he used to do so up to the time of his marriage.
.,6 /He is a sensitive, gentlemanly man, without bravado. When cornered
by his adversaries he never takes a sight at them with the air of a
patriot about to place his head on the block.

GENERAL BOULANGER is said to be of Scottish extraction. We
receive this statement cumr grano salis. We hardly believe that any
man with a drop of Scotch blood in his veins would be mountebank
enough to fight a sham duel. By the way, some of the French military
duels are not pleasant theatrical performances. A couple of non-
commissioned officers fought in Algiers the other day, with sabres. A
: -fierce encounter, which lasted some time, was terminated by one of the
I. Compulsory I combatants having his skull cleft fairly in twain. The surviving com-
2. Bathing from the shore on a pebbly beach. "Oh, the stones I" batant, and both the seconds, weat home to a very festive breakfast;
3 Bathing on a sandy one-a mile and a half to walk to get into deep water, and obtained leave from their Colonel for a day's jollification.
4. An awkward fix.

FTUN.

THE MAN WITH THE GARDEN.

+ liUiii,+ il'l+, ,

The British Summer had been, if possible, as wet as usual. The Holiday-maker had had the usual high time of it.
u. .h -i l / ,idi 1/f f0//lll1r/// i /i,1l, ,/, il /Lt ,///I f /di,/,'i",d l/

The Strand had assumed its usual Mid-Summer aspect. All the out-door-amusement-caterers and parasol and muslin manufacturers had gone to the workhouse.
Not a cigar was smokeable.

F' -'

y ..,11111" -^Uml*F; __ -
At length there was a five-minutes' lull in the rain-the first for eight months. The Man with the Garden was standing at his gate, with a watering-can, as the
moist Holiday-maker passed. Ah, nice day," said the Man with the Garden.' But a nice drop o' rain would do the carrots a world o good."

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60 1TU N AUGUST 11, 1886.

BEAUTIES OF SHAKESPEARE.
BURLESQUED BY OUR BACCHANALIAN ARTIST-WELL ON THE
BooM.

"TURNING HIS FACE, HE PUTS HIS HAND BEHIND HIM."-
Merchant of Venice.

THE WANDERING MINSTREL.
COCKLEBEACH is a quiet and retired watering-place on the south
coast. I am a quiet and retiring man. We are admirably suited to
each other.
I have two weaknesses-my eyes and the German flute. I shelter the
former behind coloured glass goggles; I play on the latter whenever I
am satisfied no fellow-creature is within hearing.
I can confidently recommend Cocklebeach to all students of the Ger-
man flute. You may walk miles along the shore and meet no one buit
an occasional shrimper or an utterly indifferent coastguardsman.
There is a spot within a mile of Cocklebeach which I love well.
Thither have I oftentimes repaired, and seated neathh the shady shelter
of the rocks, discoursed sweet music to the winds and waves.
'Twas here one August morning that I sat, with large round spectacles
of dusky hue athwart my nose to shield my eyes from glare and glisten
of the sun; 'twas there I sat, with mouth pursed up in button form, to
whistle softly in my German flute till e'en the seagulls screeched and
spread their wings. So engrossed was I by "Annie Laurie" (with
variations) that I heeded not the approach of fellow-creatures till dulcet
notes (sweet as those of my own flute), which fell from the lips of a
lovely maiden, smote upon my ears.
"That's him !" she cried, and her voice was thrilling, though her
grammar was faulty; and she pointed a slender finger at me as I sat,
covered with confusion, endeavouring to hide my instrument in my coat
pocket.
She turned to her companion, a bulky, burly, red-laced man in a
white waistcoat; and by her gestures seemed to supplicate a favour from
the monster, who must have been stony-hearted to deny her.
"No, no, papa !" I heard her say; "it would be an insult to offer
him coppers."
Whereupon he of the waistcoat white, and visage red, with timorous
step and wideawake in hand, advanced to where 1 stood and laid close
by my feet upon the sand a new and glittering half-crown. Then, with
a trembling lip and rough assumption of frank bonhomie, he faltered out,
I hope I see your lordship well."
"Hush! hush!" the damsel cried in nervous haste, and laid a
cautious finger on her lips; "you know, papa, his lordship is incog."

"Well, and if he like it best," her father said, I'll call him Smith,
or Brown, or Jones, or Tomkins."
Then spoke I blushing, "Call me Tomkins, please, for that's the
name by which I'm rightly known."
He did; he called me Tomkins with a vengeance. He Tompkined me
all the way back to Cocklebeach, his arm linked in mine; he Tomkined
me up and down the Grand Hotel, whither he insisted upon my accom-
panying them and remaining to dinner; while his daughter, a maiden,
dressed in white muslin and a blue sash, cooed softly to me about the
peerage, about troubadours, and about the extraordinary wagers laid
now-a-days by young men of fashion.
I agreed with all she said. Who would not have done so ? She was
a divinity, a vision of loveliness, my soul's idol. Before I bade.my host
and his fair girl farewell that night I'd learnt to love and know I
was beloved.
Quick at the dawn's first light I bied me to my eyrie midst the rocks,
and through my German flute sighed forth my love to mingle with the
sound of plashing waves and joyous carol of the early bird, seeking
with eager haste the matutinal worm. To me, with gentle pit-pat o'er
the sand on timid tiptoe and with outstretched necks,came all of Cockle-
beach. Though yet 'twas scarce past sunrise, came a throng disgorged
from grand hotels, from inns, from taverns, and from lodging houses,
and all with one accord cried, as I piped my little tune, Oh, ain't it
lovely !"
The maidens sighed and ogled, but in vain, for I was true to her
whose heart I'd won by trilling on my modest German flute; and
presently all blushing and abashed to find myself the hero of the day, I
turned and fled the giddy, rapturous throng, to seek my loved one's
father, at whose feet I told my throbbing tale of love and hope, and
begged of him, with tears, his daughter's hand.
She's yours," cried he, and grasped my finger tips; "she's yours,
and well will she adorn a coronet. So, now, let's talk about the
settlements."
"Alas!'" I mournfully replied, "I've nought to settle. I'm but a
humble Tomkins, city clerk; my wage is small; thank goodness,
though, 'tis regular."
What, then, is this? .he roared, and shook before my round blue-
goggled eyes the printed columns of a newspaper.
I took the journal from him, and I read-
"EXTRAORDINARY WAGER.-The wealthy and eccentric Earl of
Blackwall has for a wager, the amount of which has been variously stated,
determined this summer to make a round of the south coast watering-
places, disguised as a wandering minstrel, earning the means of sub-
sistence by out-of-door performances on the German flute, of which
instrument he is a perfect master. The earl, to avoid recognition will
wear spectacles of coloured glass and of unusual dimensions, and will
probably assume some commonplace name in lieu of his own high-
sounding cognomen."
Is this you, or is it not ?" cried my charmer's father.
It is not," said I, firmly. -
Then get out for an impostor, a rogue, a vagabond, and a designing
villain."
I got out-with the assistance of a boot artfully applied for the
purpose, and returned to London by the next train.
I have but one comfort in my misery. It is not every Tomkins who
has that distinguished appearance that he could be mistaken for an
earl.

Can you Swallow this ?
[A London daily lately published a special ornithological article entitled "Swallow-
time." Whereupon our voracious versist thus gave vent.]
THIS article, although 'tis neat,
Is, as you'll notice, not complete;,
For when you feel a hollow-time,
And straightway seek the festive board,
Until you feel that you're restored,
That also is a "swallow "-time !

Putting on Empress-ure.
[Some talk has been heard lately about issuing a new coin value
lings, on the decimal system, and to be called an Empress."]
WE think the above idea is good,
And is an earnest of progression!
And if to us some true friend should
Present a heap of these, they would
Create an excellent em-press-ion.

twenty-five shil-

For Auld (and Young) Lang Syne.
MR. ANDREW LANG, the versatile versist and art-critic, is writing a
new novel. It is only fair to expect that it will be written in smart
Lang-uage, which should bring the author good Lang-wages.

AUGUST II, 1886. FUNo 61

Incredible.
[A semi-sporting society paper opines that the Irish will not cause much trouble
when Parliament meets 1]
A JOYFUL remark I have recently read,
A statement which caused me to stand on my head,
And made my grand optics with gladness to glance,
And also compelled'me to gamble and dance.
My brow, which of late wore an aspect of gloom,
A ray of real bliss all at once did illume.
And the reason of all these extravagant feats
Was that somewhere I read
That the Irish, 'twas said,
Will not give much trouble when Parliament meets.
Upon me this news had so strange an effect
That bystanders fancied me daft, I suspect.
I leaped and I laughed, and I warbled and whooped,
Till around me in wonder the spectators trooped.
When, forgetting my usual terror and awe,
I set to embracing my mother-in-law,
Which, strangely enough, caused dismay in the streets.
But I cried out Hooray !
Irish members, they say,
Will not give much trouble when Parliament meets."
Who'll not give much trouble ?" a Bobby inquired
On hearing my statement and seeing me fired.
"The Irish," I answered. Then he, with one grab,
Endeavoured to take me away in a cab,
He said that I either had been "in the sun,"
Or was up to some plant," a nefarious one.
He said he was fly to these various cheats,
For," cried he, "it won't wash
To say Irish (what bosh !)
Will not give much trouble when Parliament meets !"
Then so loudly he laughed at the notion that he
Became doubled up in the form of a C.
And so I escaped from that myrmidon's clutch.
But did other men credit my tale? Well, not much !
Wherever I go, folks incredulous seem,
And treat my remarks as a fraud or a dream.
Won't you, FUN, believe what that paper repeats,
That Parnellites who've stormed-
Have gone and reformed-
And won't give much trouble when Parliament meets? *
We wonder what our otherwise esteemed contributor takes us for?-[ED.]

He(1)las!
THE Shelley Society intends to produce its master's Hellas" in the
autumn. This is, perhaps, a suitable selection, for the way of the S. S.
as regards plays seem to be somewhat (H)ellas-tic.

AT GILSLAND.
MIale Visitor.-"Pardon me, Miss, but can you direct me to the
'Popping Stone?'"
Female Visitor.-" I'm sorry to say I don't know it at all; but I
believe any large stone will serve the same purpose !" (Luckily he
was already married.)

SPORTING NOTE.
(BY ONE THAT KNOWS NOTHING An)UT IT.)

"The 'ANDOVER PLATE."

At the Oxford.
ALL hail to thee, Manager Jennings of the Oxford Old ale-Burton
ale-any ale you please I While in your hall of harmony the other
night, we became impressed with the idea that there are fewer positions
requiring greater versatility of ability, and variety of mentalland bodily
characteristics than that which is occupied by a music hall manager.
We said to ourselves, said we,-the duties he has to discharge demand
marvellous tact, a tongue with a tang, a powerful digestion, lamb-like
sweetness, inflexible severity, the strictest moral sentiments, and the
broadest appreciation of a whiskified quip; and then we thought
that you, Manager Jennings-well never mind-let's see-we thought
that all who enjoy a show that bristles with liveliness, from the
first note of the orchestra to the last, should make a point of
meandering into the Oxford, where a sparkling Diamond among
harpists, and a charming Cora-a positive pearl among flautists, may be
seen and heard. On the evening we were present, five chubby
Chinamen sat near us. Their unctuous appreciation of Skiptomania,
reproduced with fresh young skipists, was beautiful to behold. They
rolled their almond eyes, and beamed through their gold-rimmed
spectacles with Platonic benevolence on the tastily clad damsels in a
positively Pickwickian manner. The eldest, and most dyspeptic
Celestial, who was evidently a mandarin of the Green-turtle-silver-
whitebait-golden-welsh-rarebit order, seemed highly gratified with his
evening's entertainment, and had a particularly happy smile of approval
for the irrepressible Chas. Godfrey, the racy Rowley, the lively Sisters
Graham, and the clever Donkey Blondin. By the way, Professor
Cottrell, who has trained this talented ass, and who appears himself as
Ally Sloper, really ought to procure a properly shaped nose, a la Sloper.
But probably somebody else has suggested the same thing ere now.

SAID a friend to Mr. Potts as they walked along the Row, Which
should you think is the hardest lot-a riding-horse or a driving-horse ?"
"Well," said Potts, I should say that the riding-horse is the easier
life, but yet the driving-horse has got the pull "

62 F Ti AUGUST II, 1886.

INDISPENSABLE PRECAUTIONS;
OR, ALL DUE TO DYNAMITE.
"AN Outraged Addressee" writes to us to say that, whenever he
receives a letter or post-parcel with any peculiarity of appearance, it is
invariably torn open
so that the contents
are visible. He says
S" the latter are often
half in and half out
-the bigger half
out. He says that
a parcel from India
or the Colonies
always has the con-
tents on the outside
-that is, when the
contents arrive at
Se all-and the cover-
ing inside. He says
Sthe wrapper some-
times arrives by one
post, and the con-
tents-with double
postage to pay on them-by another. He says he has spoken to the
postman, who has said "it's werry rum; and to the post clerk, who
says he can't understand it; and to the postmaster round the corner,
who says it certainly ought not to be; and to the man who calls with
your letter of complaint in his hand, who winks and says he'll set it all
right; and to the Postmaster-General, who murmurs that they're obliged
to be careful about dynamite just now.
The "Outraged Addressee sends us the following as his view of the
carrying out of the dynamite precautions, with the assurance that if any-
body has to be hanged in consequence of our publishing it, he will come
forward and throw himself between us and the vengeance of the law.
Under this strict understanding we publish it. We really can't believe
every word of it can be true, although we certainly have heard it said
that- but that was in confidence.

SCENE-A Sorting Room or Whatever-you-call-it, in the Post Office.
(The Outraged One evidently knows all about the ins and outs of the
departments-- Sortling Rooms or Whfatever-you-call-it." This tech-
nical knowledge shows there must be something in what he says.)
LIEUT. OF SORTERS (to Private Sorters).-(There's another bit of
knowledge). Mind, you fellows, be very careful about dynamite; and if
you happen to come across anything that may interest me,-d'ye see. I
like reading novels and improving books. If there are any of Ouida's,
so much the better, see?
CORPORAL OF SORTERS. Aye, aye, sir (Knows the forms of address
prescribed by the department too!)
SORTER No. I. Hullo here are FUN and the Family Herald ad-
dressed to some fellow in the country. People in the country aren't in
a hurry; I'll just take it out and read it, and lend it to my aunts, and
the fellow can have it some time next week.
SORTER NO. 2. Whatever's this queer packet ? Lend us that tin-
opener. We must be careful about dynamite. Why, it's a lot of
Chinese puzzles; my youngsters at home will be delighted; they dote
on puzzles. The worst of it is, Billy the youngest is so. confoundedly
destructive; but I daresay the addressee won't object to receiving 'em
broken a bit after my youngsters have got tired of 'em. It'll make 'em
all the more puzzling.
SORTER No. 3. Has any of you fellows come across a copy of the
Times addressed to
anybody? I always
like to have a look
at the Times. Oh,
thanks a_
SORTER NO. 4.
Hallo here's a hat-
box. By jingo my
hat's awfullyshabby
to walk out with
Polly Jones in. I'll
just borrow this one
till next Monday;
don't suppose the
fellow's in a hurry
for it for a week.
Here's a tin of
tomatoes addressed
to somebody; just
pass that bradawl-might as well make a hole to look for dynamite--
must be careful. Here's a parcel containing a wig. My dog Joe loves

to worry a wig. I'll just let him amuse himself with this for a bit, as
it's time those ostrich feathers he's nearly done for should be sent on
to the addressee.
*
FIRST FEMININE CLERK. Oh my, here's a funny parcel Why,
if there isn't a straw hat in it. Where are the scissors? There's often
dynamite hidden in straw hats; you see dynamite is so light that straw
hats are convenient. Oh, isn't it pretty !-just from Paris. I do believe
these ribbons would just suit my complexion-there! I'll wear it at
Richmond on Sunday, and the owner can have it on Monday at the
latest. What have you found in that very dangerous-looking parcel,
dear?
SECOND FEM. C. Oh, only some stupid old tobacco-I'm so dis-
appointed I It's took me such a time to get it open.
FIRST FEM. C. They ought to be ashamed of themselves for sending
such stupid things to annoy us. There, push it in again so that half
hangs out; there, now! The rain or something is sure to spoil it
before the stupid creature gets it-and serve him right! .
Here's a neat parcel; where are the scissors? Oh, it's a lot of
Christmas crackers, and some fireworks, and a box of cigarettes, and
all sorts of things What fun. It couldn't matter if we pulled the
crackers, and let off the fireworks out of window, and tried to smoke
a little bit of the cigarettes, just to see whether we should feel sick.
There, now I we can do up what's left, and pack it up again. Oh, no,
we needn't. It's forbidden to send explosives by post, because they
might go off in the offices or somewhere. How wicked of people to
be so reckless! Oh, my, the wastepaper basket is on fire There,
now, the senders of that parcel ought to be put in prison!

A Brief 'Respite.
THE elections now are over, and brief holidays are on,
Some hurry to the sea, or seek the grouse; -
There's a respite for the moment from the Question, but anon,
All attention will be fixed upon the House.
Not long the average Briton from excitement will be free;
Not long will rest becalm his fevered brain;
Ere one can say "Jack Robinson," the overtaxed B.P.
Will settle down to politics again !.
From to-morrow (that's to say, the Twelfth) on heather-covered
A brisk and roaring business will be done, [moors,
On their fine and large expanses will a multitude make tours,
And be more or less successful with the gun.
And heedless of their fate the swagger marksmen will disport-
Oft discharging their fine firearms all in vain ;
Ah let us not upset them, for their holiday is short;
They'll soon settle down.to politics again !
Go, be blissful by the briny, dig and paddle-while ye may,
0 1 M.P.'s and those whom legislation holds;
We would not make you doleful, no !-for at no distant day
Ye'll be summoned to return to London folds;
And all ye British millions (who to FUN are so devout),
Who need a rest for body and for brain,
Enjoy the present respite, for ere long, without a doubt,
You'll be simmering in politics again!

DURING an argument in the U.S. Congress lately, Congressman
Laird said to Congressman Cobb, "You come outside and I will shoot
you so full of holes your own friends won't know you." Mr. Cobb,
who was evidently anxious to be riddled like a cullender, and peppered
beyond all recognition, instantly strolled outside with the calm, dignified
air of a Christian martyr rambling to the stake. Blood was spilt when
the gentlemen came fairly face to face on the polished marble steps; for
without giving his adversary any warning, Mr. Laird suddenly shot-
out his sinister bunch of fives, and landed Mr. Cobb heavily on the
proboscis, drawing claret. Then his highly strung nature gave way,
and running behind a fat friend he burst into tears. Mr. Cobb
screamed that the end of his nose had been knocked off, and implored
the bystanders to pick the warm piece and fix it on while there was yet
time. Should a duel between these two senators become unavoidable,
the friends on both sides have decided that the affair must. be fought
out with rifles, at two miles' distance,

AN electioneering egg thrown at a Home Rule orator the other day
passed down his throat whole. A bit of a "discooshen wid sticks"
ensued, during which the orator received a tap on the bread-basket
which broke the egg. He was as nearly as possible miserably wiped
off the face of the earth in consequence. It took three doctors and-
three bottles of whisky to counteract the effect of the poison, which
was far more sudden in its operation than the most virulent snake-bite.

I

AUGUST II, 1886. FTITUN 63

Cause and Effect. I LN I
[According to the Faculty of Letters at Paris, many of the disorders in U
France are due to the neglect of the classics.]E S'TORIUM
WHENE'ER the future Gibbon writes FOR
Of France's sad Decline and Fall, THE HAIR b
When sharp explorers find the sites
Of cities hid beneath earth's pall,
The moralist will point the tale
With maxims sage and warnings wise;
If states and men wish not to fail,
The classics they must not despise.
The keen historian will note,
In such an age strikes were the "go;
O'er this discovery he'll gloat,
The cause of which he next will show.
'Twas not because the wage was small,
Or overseers they thought a "cuss,"
But Homer they read not at all,
Of Livy were ob-Livy-ous i
He'll tell of plagues that swept off men,
Of murrains that destroyed their herds;
Of course great Maro pleased not then,
They had neglected Plato's words.
Their princes they expelled because
With Ovid they were unpr-Ovid-ed,
They kicked against all moral laws
Since Greek aorists they derided

Better than a "B. and S."
MY brain feeling-well, a bit weary,
My finger tips ingrain'd with ink,
I know a Welsh bay fresh and cheery
Will rectify all that, I think.
When down in the mouth,' we grave makers -
Of laughter for other folks' lips,
Find the spirit distill'd from sea-breakers,
The best "pick-me-up" of all "nips."
HOW IS IT TO BE DONE?
THE American Army is very small-some 25,000 men, Hairdresser.-"'AIR CUT, SIR? SUTT'NLY, SIR! HANY TICKLER
but it is not "little and good." About 14,ooo of its war- STYLE, SIR?"
riors are tried by court-martial every year. The majority of Facetious Customer.-" STYLE? LEn~rME SEE YES, SAME STYLE AS
those punished are Irish-Americans. Verb sap. YOUR OWN."

A Strange Ohoice.
AA "How will Lord R. Churchill manage in the Cabinet now forming?'
Is the all-absorbing question of the hour.
Most people only snigger at his reckless, rampant storming,
And consider that he wastes his puny pow'r.
But, lo! it seems that Salisbury delights to honour Randy
(As though he were a person full of nous!).
k He seems to have a liking for the dapper little dandy,
And-perhaps to cheer his pecker-
Names him Chancellor of Exchequer,
And, what is more, the Leader of the House I

The idea's really startling Yea, in once you cannot seize it;
It sends the senses reeling-makes them dazed.
Were FUN a vulgar humourist, he'd simply utter, '"Cheese it !
This is merely a jokelet you have raised !"
If this affair is serious regarding Reckless Randy,
'Tis certainly enough joy's glim to douse.
As a slanger and a banger, Cheeky Churchill's very handy,
But imagine the small "wrecker"
At the head of the Exchequer,
And fancy him as Leader of the House !

And when he starts his duties, oh just fancy what a flutter
POLISH E D. He will cause when he's first called upon to speak;
He will stagger grave hon. members with his language of the gutter,
Auntie.-" I wish you'd come up on the Parade, Lilian, and let Which frightens even those of his own clique.
me introduce you to Mr. Ducatbaggs. He certainly is a trifle elderly, He will rant and he will riot-he will bully, he will bluster,
but he's such a polished gentleman." And with Billingsgate the Libs. he'll try to house.
Lilian.-" I've often seen him, Auntie; and I don't want to be He really should have waited till more wisdom he could muster
introduced." Ere he, the rabid wrecker,
Auntie.--" But he is so polished, my dear." Sat as Chancellor of th' Exchequer,
Lilian.-" Yes I Polished as a billiard-ball, and quite as bald !" And, still more, ere he essayed to lead the House !

S 0a CORa srOVNDENTS.--T AEditor ao wtor bind hnmssl/ to acknowledge, return, or ay for Controibutlo. Im no rca will they be returned unless*
accompanied b7 a stamped and directed enveloos.

64 FPUN o

~-I!I

AUGUST II, 1886.

1 I

BLISS BY THE BRINY.
SING hey! for the joys of the gay seaside, Sing hey tor the organ that grinds out airs,
Wherever that seaside be; Throughout the live-long day;
Where you sit by the marge of Old Neptune's tide, And the chattering masher, who rudely stares
Or paddle about with glee. At all ladies who pass his way. -.
Sing hey for the 'Arry, who loudly bawls, These glorious joys bring sweet content
And the sweet drum-banging boy, To each holiday-maker's breast,
And the German band, and the brat that squalls, Save to such as yon ailing dyspeptic "gent,"
And the doggie that yelps with joy. Who is seeking for quiet and rest.

At the Sea-side. Who now are starting on a foreign course, PRICE, ONE saE ILLI ; Post-free, Is. 2d.
(SEE CARTOON.) Conducted by Lord Randolph Churchill (whose THE RIVER OF LIFE,
Conduct is nothing if not personal).
YE who by fate's decree have been abroad Think how they feel-how little, or how much, By JOHN LATEY, JUN.
Upon a regulated tour, and formed They like to follow where he likes to lead, "'Tis a well-contrived story, with incident rife. By
Part of a hybrid party personally To take his orders and to do his will John Latey, Junior-' The River of Life.' "-Punch.
Conducted by the famous Mr. Cook; In one incongruous submissive flock; "The story is full of interesting scenes admirably
And ye who, though ye have not been yourselves Look at the awkward points that may arise, told."-Ilhe strayed Loondon News.
In that peculiar predicament, The jars, the ruptures, the cross-purposes; and sensation. --Moreing Post.
Yet live on friendly terms with some who have, Consider all the bearings of the case, "' The River' is just the kind fora Booksellers Row,
And therefore know by hearsay what 'tis like ; And then-well, you can pity whom you choose. and the publishers will get a good sail.' It is a river
And ye who neither so yourselves have been, in which everyone who wishes for a pleasant hour should
take a dip."--" Dagonet," in the Referee.
Nor own ex-tourists such among your friends, PRIE, ONE BHILLING; Post-free, Is. d. "An exciting tale, in which animated descriptions of
Yet are with power of swift fancy blest, dramatic and sporting scenes are interwoven with
And therefore can imagine what 'tis like. S -1NT OC O P I T ingenious plot."-Daily News.
O ye of the three classes named above, "CHARLES G. LE D One of the fnost startling and sensational of the
Bearing such tours in mind,just muse upon B CRLES LE D ("Han Bretann"). new shilling novels."-Lady's Picorial.
Bearing such tours in mdus muse upon I U A
That party of Conservative M.P.'s 153 FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C. 153 FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C.

************** "TONGA
o* S maintains its
G in the treat-n 's
ment of C d u
*************O Neuragina." G GUARANTEED
"Invaluable in facial Neuralgia. Has PURE AND
proved effective in all those cases in which we
have prescribed it. "--Medical Press. rite as monthly as lead pencil, and nether stch OLUBLE.
the points being rounded by a newsrocess. Six Prie Medals
2/9., 4/6., and 11-/. Of all Chemists. d. Assorted ape B ; st-free sm BEW ARE OF I ITATIONS
o 'C. BRANDAUER & CO.'S PEN WORKS, BIRMINGHAM. AR OF T TION

I

"I

t t':
p

AUGUST 18, 1886, iFT N o 65

/

*

oo 10. C
C"NY N),.

A WEEK AT A SPA HOTEL.

VJL. XLIV,-No.";IIo.

i.

I

''i

K

66 F U NIT AUGUST 18, 1886.

SLASHES AND PUFFS.
STRAND AND OPERA COMIQUE.-Had Mr. Charles Wyndham carried
out his original intention of re-opening the Criterion on the 7th inst.,

THE OPERA COMIQUE.-BACHELORS I

with T. W. Robertson's David Garrick, there would have been by this
time three Garricks in the theatrical field-a field which, I may tell you
in passing, is byno means "green." But fortunately, perhaps, both for
the volatile Charles, and also for the readers of FUN, only two Garricks
are at present engaged in rivalry, and they are right opposite to each
other in the same street-at the Opera Comique and the Strand, to wit.
The first of these is represented by Mr. Hermann Vezin in that little
one-act episode by Mr. James Albery, entitled Doctor Davy. In this,
Mr. Vezin, as of yore, displays intensity, and, in a general way, what in
the dramatic-critical slang of the day is called a "clear-cut" performance.
Mr. V. has the advantage of being nearer to the stature of the original
Great Little Davy (late of Drury Lane Theatre) than any other representa-
tive of the part that has yet appeared, and his appearance in other
respects is well adapted for the character. It is a piece of acting as well
worth seeing as ever-perhaps more so. Leaving, for the moment, the
remainder of the Opera Comique's programme for treatment lower
down, I pass to the other Garrick across the road.

THE Strand Garrick is Mr. Edward Compton, who has returned
for a season to this house, where a year or two ago he scored in sundry
old comedies, by more or less "eminent hands." The version chosen
by Mr. Compton is by Mr. W. Muskerry, and was aforetime much affected
by the late veteran semi-amateur-pro-Captain Disney Roebuck. It is
not a good version, neither is Mr. Compton, clever as he is, a good
Garrick-albeit he is a fine and large one as to size. Indeed, you
would almost think, to judge by his appearance, that he had got some-

THE CAMBRIDGE, TROCADERO, ETC--THE VANISHING LADY.
thing of that attribute, which, according to the time-serving ex-reverend
bard Churchill, would make "Pritchard genteel and Garrick six feet

high." But, except for a powerful rendering of the drunken scene, Mr.
Compton is distinctly out of his element. So is his good lady (Mrs. C.),
who is better known to us as Miss Virginia Bateman. So is Mr. C.'s useful
company, on the whole. Therefore I would counsel the Compton
Comedy Company to shelve this sham old comedy, and return to some
of their, and our, former loves.

AND now to hark back across the road to consider the remainder and
chief part of the Opera Comique's programme. This consists of Bachelors,
a comedy by Messrs. Robert Buchanan and Hermann Vezin aforesaid.
This piece, which, although somewhat weak, has some smart and
telling lines, was first produced by Mr. Charles Brookfield during his
brief and not-by-any-means-too-prosperous season at the Haymarket
two years ago-there or thereabouts. Mr. Vezir, abjuring tragedy and
real intensity for a while, plays Mr. Brookfield's part, and plays it ad-
mirably. It is quite a treat to see this excellent actor, who is usually
doomed to dabble in gloom, going in for a light-cum-low-comedy part.
Mr. V.'s visage seems to have considerable power of comic expression,
and his woe-begone manner as a Bachelor, who, after many years,
dreading to propose even to one lady, finds himself suddenly engaged
" three deep," is droll in the extreme. The rest of the cast is not strong,
but 'twill serve; and altogether I opine that the business manager, Mr.
Harrington Baily (whom some feloniously term Old Baily,' to dis-
tinguish him from his brother, "Baily, Junior"), will find more money
rolling into the coffers of the house than was the case with the Foo's
Revenge, although it had the aid of two "Society Beauties," both of
whom have quitted, together with the Fool's Revenge.

THERE has been some excitement at the music halls lately over what
is called a Vanishing Lady. It is a clever illusion, in which, at a pri-

INTRUSION-OR PROTECTION WANTED.

vate seance at the Egyptian Hall (which is not a music hall, by the way),
our friend Bertram officiated. Our illustrator (who hasn't seen it) says
it's an old trick, which can be done in several styles. He sends a
sketch of one, and promises another or so later on."

PRINCE'S HALL.-Mr. Charles "Odds and Ends" Du Val has just
added to his already sufficiently-entertaining entertainment at this hall
three of the dwarfest dwarfs ever seen-the Count, Countess, and Baron
Magri, to wit. The Count, who is said to be brother to the Baron (and,
of course, vice versd), has a tenor voice that is really big for one so
little. This voice the little nobleman uses to excellent advantage in an
operatic selection, while the Baron obliges with a piccolo accompaniment,
evolved from his mouth and fingers. Also, these tiny titled folk foil,"
each with the usual weapons, and play and act in a pantomimic way.
The fine and small Countess, who is the widow of the late lamented
General Tom Thumb, sings sweetly and makes herself otherwise useful.
Altogether, what with these miniature mummers, and the bright and
clever mimetic show provided by C. D. himself (in anything, to put it
paradoxically, but a C. D. way), patrons of the Prince's Hall may be
said to receive Du-Val-ue for their money.

NODS AND WINKs.-The periodical wail from a Burlesque Actress,"
that theatrical managers engage music hall artists when many of the
profession are "walking about," is heard once more. These things
look rather hard sometimes, but, I expect, a manager chooses the article
he thinks most likely to suit his purpose without much reference to where
it comes from. NESTOR.

-

AUGUST 18, x886. FTU NU 67

AN AUTUMN ROUNDELAY.

The sky was blue; the sun was bright;
The autumn day a pure delight.
The clerk, to dissipate his woe,
Resolved that to his boss" he'd go

"What is it, Jones, you wish to say?" "Abroad, a roving, jovial crew
SSimply that, sir, I cannot stay Roams o'er the land or sails the blue.
In office cooped, o'er ledger bent Rich autumn tints the landscapes shI w,
On days like these-for pleasure meant I The Harvest Moon, sir, 's all aglow I

I _.-- --L- ***-- -- -- -
"It is, you will agree with me, "I've had my holiday, 'tis true "Stay, Jones I" the merchant cried. Your case
The height of all absurdity You gave me but a month, not two I You've urged with eloquence and grace.
For pelf, to barter health away- And, on to-day detaining me No more I This guerdon for your pains I
To work-while all the world's at play Is-simply-petty-tyranny I" Fly I Seek and rove those happy plains I

SONGS OF THE WATERING-
PLACES.
No. V.-BEAUMARIS.
THE Queen of Anglesey art thou,
Beaumaris bright and airy !
To honour thee, none need, I vow,
Be reticent or wary.
If I, this autumn day, could fly
From London's dust and clangour,
To thee, with what delight, I'd hie
From Euston, via Bangor I
Is there a Briton in the land-
Unless his taste's for sotting-
Who loves not, or on deck or strand,
The British sport of yachting ?
Well, gay Beaumaris, in her pride
Of sunny sailing weather,
Is blithe as bunting'd Cowes or Ryde,
Or even both together !
I know there are who swear by Rhyl--
Who, I think, better should know-
And others, who with raptures thrill,
When talking of Llandudno;
I answer, when all's said and done,
To each one and to any:

I've been in many a strait, but none
Like that grand Strait of Menai !
Llandudno gazes on the sea,
Unceasingly delightful,
And shall not be denied by me
Her meed of praises rightful.
Beaumaris looks, across the bay,
On castled shore and highland,
On mighty Orme's Head, miles away
On wave-lapp'd Puffin Island.
Variety, I own, I like-
Variety of thinking,
Variety of forms to strike
My fancy, while I'm drinking
Unmeasur'd draughts of fresh sea-air
With ozone strength abounding;
I don't like even days set fair,"
By Ocean's marge resounding.
I know of shores that make me sad-
Nay, very nearly tearful;
And others that would drive me mad,
Though many think them cheerful.
But none I know surpassing thine,
Beaumaris captivating,
For quenching dulness and, like wine,
My spirits elevating.

How to be a Grandfather.
NOT TOO MUCH IN THE MANNER OF
VICTOR HUGO.
I FIND the most instructive way
With my grand-children-bless 'em!-
Is, just as if we were at play,
Thus brightly to address 'em:
Where'er I go, a point I make
Of ceaselessly enquiring,
My quenchless thirst for knowledge slake
With appetite untiring.
Exempli gratia: Recently,
When I was last at Brighton-
I never go there but the sea
I gaze with fresh delight on I
I asked what made the ebb and flow,
Informant's name was Esau.
He said, Lor' bless yer, don't yer know
The sea a-playin' sea-saw."
Now, there, my dears, you see at once,
His young wits exercising,
No child need ever be a dunce,
But stored with facts surprising.

A CONTRADICTION OF TERMS.-A hotbed
of (v)ice.

CONVINCING.
"Of four hundred and twenty.five temperance beverages recently analysed at the Royal Laboratory, over fifty per cent. exceeded the legal allowance of proof
spirits; in nineteen instances the samples contained as much spirit as ordinary ale; while one (whose label stated that total abstainers who consumed it were both
pleased and surprised at its comforting and exhilarating effects) contained twenty-three per cent. of proof spirit."

1-" z

The worst of the Total Abstainer is, he is so dreadfully austere! He is above temptation. It was with much difficulty that we persuaded him to try a drop of our
favourite Extra Dry.

When he had finished a magnum of it, he had grown more austere than ever. "Your drinks are sinful, and one gets no satisfaction out of them," he said. I shall
have a bottle ot the 'Teetotalers Temperance Tipple.'"

"There, ole after he murmured. "Thash berrer I Now I feel shillerated and comfted." His austerity had entirely vanished. There is certainly more in
temperance than the thoughtless imagine.

i~p--P-----------

7 F T -AUGUST 18, 1886.

POPPING HIS POLICY.
Uncle Bull.-"I'M AFRAID WE CAN'T ADVANCE MUCH ON THIS TORY TICKER; IT'S VERY OLD-FASHIONED,
AND THERE APPEARS TO BE NOTHING INSIDE.

70 F T' N. o AUGUST 18, z886.

BUYING GOODS NOWHERE. foreign products as rubbish. He once bought a tin of preserved some-
HAVING carefully read the forecasts of the Royal Commission on thing from somewhere abroad, and when he opened it, it was bad. He
the Depression in British Trade, and also the various letters from was a patriot, and held that every article ought to be made in England,
tradesmen, under including oranges, champagne, Turkish tobacco, Japanese lacquer,
the heading whales, and cocoanuts. There ought not to be any foreign countries.
.... "Buying Goods WILLIAM POPPS, cigar, sweetstuff, and news purveyor, felt that
Abroad," in the foreign competition was the ruin of British trade. He himself retailed
Daily Telegraph, gingerbeer, but an Italian ice-man planted his barrow in the gutter in
S1we were deeply front of his shop, and the consequence was that the consumer deserted
interested in the his gingerbeer in favour of ices of foreign manufacture.
Stsubject. Patriot- THE CONSUMER (examined). I read many articles about my want of
i ism, cynicism, ge- patriotism in buying foreign goods, and was deeply touched by them.
nerosity, charity, What particularly appealed to me was the suggestion that an establish-
p and unlimited ment should be set up for the sale of British products exclusively; it
contempt of our being stated that, in the event of such an inauguration, I should flock to
kind, have been the establishment and buy eagerly. I was deeply penitent, and resolved
S stirred up within to be patriotic for the future; and when that shop was opened I dealt
us by the perusals. at it exclusively, and it was some months before I happened to discover
But in the midst that every article sold there was a foreign manufacture with an English
of all these con- label. I then ceased to feel patriotic, and now purchase only goods of
flicting emotions, foreign manufacture. I have, however, subsequently discovered that I
one definite and am far more patriotic than before, as all the goods with foreign labels
all-absorbingcon- which I buy are of British manufacture.
viction has taken
possession of us; and that is, that the Royal Commissioners are not in M T.
1 position to ferret out the more esoteric and minutely circumstantial- A MIS
ind therefore only true-merits of the case. They stand upon too lofty Lo here the little Lord
a pedestal to look, as it were, under the counter; and take a view so R. C.
broad and comprehensive that the individual features of the question are (A reckless, rampant
invisible. Besides this, they are obliged to be polite and parliamentary, rattle)
ind this would spoil anybody's chance. Therefore we have instituted a Is seen, with all his
Royal Commission of Our Own, under Our Own Signet. The informa- well-known glee,
lion is all collected from individual-not representative-sources; and Preparing for the
this fact speaks for itself. Our report will be found the only reliable one. battle.
He means to storm his
MR. CHINER CLAY, British cotton goods manufacturer (examined). foes anon
[ am of opinion that the depression in British trade is due to the gross (So full of force his
want of patriotism on the part of the consumer. The consumer ought will is),
to be content with receiving any rubbish in exchange for good money, And therefore he is try-
for the sake of patriotism. It is his duty to encourage home products, ing on
whatever rubbish they may be, and to consider the desire of the manu- The armour of
facturer to make a rapid fortune before any sordid longing on his own -i Achilles !
part to make both ends meet. It is my opinion that the consumer is a
great deal too sharp; he has no business to notice that the cotton stuffs Grand Old Achilles, as
ae buys are two-thirds dressing; he ought to take my word that every you know,
article is pure and unadulterated, and to be ready to pay any price. If Had recently a
he did this I should make a fortune in no time, and the revival in trade facerr,"
prosperity would be astonishing. (Yet still some fight
MR. FUN. Are you, then, of opinion that adulteration is desirable ? he's sure to show,
MR. CH. CLAY. Decidedly not. It is a gross and shameless imposi- F or he's a thorough
lion when practised upon anything other than cotton goods; but in the pacer).
case of the latter we do not speak of it as "adulteration," but "improve- I The place in which the
ment." I think the grossest form of adulteration is that practised by Old 'Un shone
the party who mixes foreign matter with the size and china clay I buy Lord R. now doomed
of him. This form of adulteration is absolutely criminal, to fil is;
JOHN SMITH, artizan, stated that he didn't see why he should pro- \And that is why he's
duce good work, or fag himself, to improve British trade. The right trying on
way to improve trade was to forbid the importation of any blessed thing fr The armour of
from furrin' parts, and raise the price of home labour by Act o' Parlia- Achilles
meant. All furri-
ners was a dirty Alas! to, wear the
lot, and couldn't it A- t4 greaves and casque
giblea word. What The Grand Old Chief wore lately,
right had they to Is not at all an easy task-
igh t had turey to It worries Randy greatly.
things? They Ah, foolish youth such garb to don-
ought to be corn O, silliest of sillies !
opelle b te po To waste your time in trying on
pulled by the po ( 0 s iit osiie
lice to buy only The armour of Achilles !
British things.
He thought that P
the consumer was The Paeha.
a mean, dissatis- THE Pacha is what is called a "dawg"-"such a dawg,' as Mr.
fled 'umbug, and Terry used to say. He goes in for being a lady-killer and for making
a lot too pertick- conquests, but his course of true love is none of the smoothest. M.
ler. Mannyfac- Ricard tells his story in the most diverting manner, and if you ike
terers wasn't up French novels this is one to read. It is published by M. Calman Levy,
to much either. Rue Auber, Paris.
What did they
want with profits? All the profits ought to go to the working man, I CONFESS to not being much of a book-keeper : the one particular
and the mannyfacterer ought to be compelled to find the capital. part which I do most understand, however, is the cash in hand. -
JAMES JUKES, manufacturer of meat skewers, said he regarded all -0. E. POTTS.

AUGUST 18, 1886. FIUN 71

WHY ABROAD?
THEY say "go abroad." But why particularly abroad? I don't
care about anything abroad any more than I do at home. What on
earth's the good of going abroad in August ? I'm not asking a conundrum
-I wouldn't take the trouble. I'm only asking common sense. Jones
said the other day that he enjoyed a Saturday to Monday at Boulogne.
I fancy I see myself going down to London Bridge in the dusk. I
fancy I see myself squeezed like a kippered herring between a lot of
people going to sleep, and groaning and grunting, and bawling out
" Steward !" A nice state of affairs that for a man with just a few of
his senses left him. And when you have got to Boulogne? What do
I care whether flys are three francs an hour or two? Do you think
that I can find any sort of pleasure in driving wretched ponies between
lots of sandy fields? Bah! I say. Bah Well, I can go to the
Casino. I can go there, can I? Who said I couldn't? I'm not
going to play at chemin defer, to please anybody. That doesn't please
me. Go to Trouville, then. What should I go to Trouville for?
I'm not the Prince of Wales. I'm not an American pork maker.
I care no more for Chicago than I do for Whitechapel.
Besides, do you think that I'm going, at my time of life, to get myself
up in a bathing dress, that's a cut between a harlequin and a yokel
jumping in sacks? Not me-I mean, not I. Well, why should I go
hanging about the Rhine? Bosh Years ago Germany was different.
It was all right when the tables were there. I remember the Emperor
of Russia-the late Emperor-putting down his gold piece. The Em-
peror's dead. They stopped the gambling tables, I honestly believe,
because there was no one worth the shot of putting down a gold piece.
We are all very moral nowadays, because none of us have got anything
to spend. Some nice, quiet continental tour, eh? I think I see my-
self in one of your nice, quiet continental tours. What do I care about
looking at cathedrals. I would as soon look at myself in the glass, and
I am no beauty. All cathedrals are the same on the continent; all of
them smell of cold stones, dirt, incense, and soft soap. I hate 'em all.
We'll go about and look at the people-"The proper study of mankind
is man." Is that the proper study? All I can say is that I hate man
wherever I meet him. Why should I go and live on the continent for,
a holiday? Go abroad, indeed I hate damp napkins, I hate stale oil
and limp salads, I hate the smell of ten centime cigars-I hate going
abroad altogether DIOGENES TUBBS.

BEAUTIES OF SHAKESPEARE.
BURLESQUED BY OUR BACCHANALIAN ARTIST-WELL ON THE
BOOM.

SPORTING NOTE.
(BY ONE THAT KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT IT.)

I 4 .

" THE LEDGER (HANG IT!) JUST IN THIS FINE WEATHER, TOO."

Obliging Phenomena.
A SHOWER of flies was lately seen
Up Northward the other day;
Some people amazed at the thing have be n,
Which is foolish, we beg to say.
Sea-snakes and big gooseberries, e'er and anon
In the summer oft cause surprise;
In fact, when the silly season's on,
We have often a shower of (f)lies.

THE French waiters on strike have been going around and doing all
sorts of damage to people and property. This impatience would seem
to show that they are really not good wait-ers. At any rate, this is not
the wai(t) to get what they want.

New Leaves.
IN Longman's the chief interest still centres in Mr. Besant's story,
"The Children of Gideon ;" but the return of the convict father is not
a pleasing incident.-In The English Illustrated the Art-honours fall to
Mr. Hugh Thomson.-The Centuly "Midsummer Holiday Number"
is rich in both quantity and quality; its "Algiers and its Suburbs,"
"Heidelberg," "Sea-Birds at the Fame Islands," "The Western Art
Movement," and "The Battle of Fredericksburg," with other attrac-
tions, form a combination requiring a holiday to appreciate them.-
St. Nicholas abounds in beauties, but our affections cling to the fascina-
tions of Little Lord Fauntleroy."- The Leisure Hour, The Sunday at
Home, The Boy's Own Paper, and The Girl's Own Paper provide
plentiful supplies for their readers.-The Overland Monthly, which
comes "over land and over sea," has always a mass of good solid read-
ing.-The Lifeboat, journal of the Royal National Lifeboat InStitution,
is quite justified in its earnest appeals for help by the noble records of
its usefulness, and its awards and rewards for bravery since its first
establishment.
Of Routledge's World Library we have three more volumes-" The
Comic Poets of the Nineteenth Century," in which we find many old
friends; Poe's Tales of Mystery and Imagination," a book of extra-
ordinary exciting interest; and "Mrs, Rundell's Cookery Meats," which
we are glad to meat with.

I

72 UTN AUGUST 18, 1886.

KNICKKNACKS.
A MELANCHOLY case of drowning occurred recently in Carondelet.
It seems that a charming young lady owned a dog of huge size, uncouth
manners, uncertain temper,
dishonest proclivities, and
vagrant habits. Ponto was
perpetually knocking down
old ladies in the streets, over-
turning perambulators con-
L training babies, confiscating
old gentlemen's coat-tails,
S gnawing fat pieces out of
tradesfolk, nipping boys'
calves, and annexing legs of
i* 3 mutton and strings of
"' sausages. Yet his mistress
had a lingering love for him.
Well, one evening the young
S If lady'sfancd called and found
S her in tears. After minutely
"' cross-questioning the girl he
extracted the statement that
Ponto had just dined off her two snappiest pairs of Pinet's nine-button
boots, leaving nothing but four Louis XV. heels and four double soles.
The furiously indignant lover ground his teeth with rage, and offered to
slaughter Ponto at once; and the aggrieved maiden somewhat reluc-
tantly giving her consent, the loving pair started off for a deep stream,
taking the dog with them. When they arrived at the bank, the young
lady coaxed and led the convicted and sentenced animal to the very
brink, and held him while the would-be executioner began to attach a
large lump of iron to his neck. But Ponto stood so still that his mis-
tress let go her hold. Then, feeling certain that the obstreperous
animal's last moments were at hand, the sensitive girl turned aside that
she might not see his ghastly end. The next moment, however, she was
startled by a deep, savage growl and a heart-rending shriek of agony;
and, looking round, was horrified to see a terrible struggle for life and
death going on between the dog and her lover. The contest did not
last long. In less than two minutes there came an awful groan of pain
and despair, a loud splash, and the young man was struggling in the
water, while Ponto was making tracks across the fields with greyhound
speed. The young lover now sleeps beneath the green turf, and dog-
roses are planted o'er his grave. The maiden resides in a madhouse.
Ponto is probably enjoying himself after his own fashion somewhere or
other. We vouch for the truth of this narrative, and tie this moral to
it-" Never try to drown a ferocious dog who is strong enough to digest
French boots until you have learned to swim."

MRS. CLEVELAND has just been presented with a mammoth bread-
tray, which is justly described as being simple, convertible and adapt-
able." When not in use as a receptacle for the staff of life it makes a
handsome card-receiver, an excellent canoe, or a comfortable cradle.
The donors seem to wish that it may serve in the latter capacity, in due
time, as there hasn't been a cradle in' the White House for forty years.

A VERY representative Irish M.P., having earnestly addressed the
unwashed multitude, exclaimed, "Sure we will be our own police !"
immediately commenced enforcing "law and order" by battering an
inoffensive man's head in with a heavy blackthorn. He had to pay /3
for acting as a self-appointed upholder of peace and quietude.

A POETIC constable, after Mr. W. S. Gilbert's own heart, wrote thusly
to his sweetheart :-" Dear Mary,-Hopping it will be convenient for
you to meat me about 6.15 P.M., at the end of Portland Road, as I will
require to be in soon, as I ham on night dooty, hopping you will get
this in time, hopping you are well and in good form-to have a walk to
some secluded spot where we can have the enjoyment of nature and see
the beautiful butterflies flying from flower to flower. While I still
remain yours sincerely H. L. To Mary "o
However, later on the sentimental peeler declined being handcuffed to
the fair Mary for life, and his amorous courting ended in court, with no
satisfaction to the lady, who now forswears the force for ever.

A WELL-KNOWN Yankee preacher who had been much annoyed by
members of his congregation coming in noisily, addressed his listeners
thusly :-" Dearly beloved brethren, I'd take it kindly if certain of
you would tread about as light as show elephants up and down this
place of worship. The clanking rattle of hob-nails and iron tips don't
kinder accord with this sacred spot, besides, sharp metallic sounds upset
those respectable folk who have sought this building as a locality for
quiescence. The noises not unfrequently disturb their placid slumbers;
then they wake up in a sour temper, and their shekels do not flow freely
into the contribution boxes. Please bear this in mind."

Lays of a Lover.
A BALLADE OF BREAKFAST.
i" Why is it the English people are eternally supposed to relish bacon and eggs of
the rancidest and stalest order from year's end to year's end without a murmm ? It
is recorded that everlasting manna became nauseous to the Jews; and that a certain
French king liked an occasional change from 'plump partridge.' The British
stomach, however, never seems to rise up.in indignation against bacon and eges.
Let an Englishman go into any village hostelry in the world, at any time of the day
or night, and call for food, and the odds are the waiter will instinctively place before
him a plate of bacen and eggs."--M. Alfred de Sauveni re, in the Evdnement ]
I YIELD to no man in respect
For the brave institutions of yore;
I honour each creed and each sect,
And I cannot find heart to ignore
The fanatic or sceptical bore;
I put up with the lady who begs !
But I own that I deeply abhor
My breakfast of bacon and eggs !
I've striven in vain to effect
A taste for this magical store;
And tortured myself to correct
A fault that I deeply deplore;
I've tried it with sauces galore,
With sugar and grated nutmegs;
But somehow I cannot adore
My breakfast of bacon and eggs !
I've tried to flee from it direct,
But it haunts me by sea and by shore;
Though I fly in the night, circumspect,
To Greenland, or France, or Johore,
It tracks me down, enters the door!
Has it eyes, has it wings, has it legs?
Will it leave me in peace never more,
My breakfast of bacon and eggs ?
L'ENVOY.
What Life have I taken ?-whose gore
Cries out I must drink to the dregs ?
Shall I never escape the eyesore-
My breakfast of bacon and eggs ?

THE CLANG OP THE CLOCK TOWER.
MONDAY, Aug. 9th.-Hard swearing. Gladstone informs "Dear
Mr. Speaker" that he has elected to serve for his first Scotch love, pre-
ferring to be known as the Heart of Midlothian than as the Artful one
of Leith, so that A. Jacks, who dared not defy the lightning at Leith,
may once more emerge from the Lethean wave. Mr. Kelly, of Camber-
well is called to order for standing with his hat on below the bar.
Uncovers in a confused (h)attitude.

CITOYEN LISBONNE, who started the gaol cabaret in Paris, has found
his eccentric venture take so well that he purposes opening a second
sensational cafe, still more creepy-crawly than the first. Coffins will
be used as tables in this place of refreshment. All drinking-vessels will
be handsomely mounted skulls, of various sizes. The cook at the grill
will be "made-up" as venerable Nicholas, and the customers will be
waited on by girls "got-up" as ghosts. Special attention will be given
to the concoction of devilled dainties, while an orchestra will play
funereal music every evening. Anybody playing frivolous larks with
the pretty little ghosts will be promptly expelled.

A SHAGGY-HEADED, strange-looking male temporarily stopped a
wedding, the other day, by brandishing a large green cotton umbrella,
and daring the bridal party to enter the church. On being arrested,
he stated that he was richer than any of the Rothschilds, and fully
intended to marry the bride himself, and take her to live in the Crystal
Palace and Madame Tussaud's. On his domicile being searched, it
was ascertained that this eccentric gentleman was hardly as wealthy as
he asserted. His worldly possessions seemed to consist of a bundle of
unclean straw, three sacks, a dirty deal table, a broken-down chair, a
saucepan without a handle, a small piece of rusty American bacon, and
a bunch of greens, yellow as a duck's foot.

A DEPUTATION of agriculturalists waited on a rector the other day
to ask for a reduction of tithes due. The spokesman began his speech
with "Woe ye extortioners; whereat the clergyman turned the colour
of beetroot, and showed the deputation the door, without even asking
them to have a glass of dry sherry and a biscuit before leaving. Some
men are absurdly inhospitable.

The Nubian Venus and the Jealous Mustapha.
A THRILL of horror ran through the ladies of Mustapha Boezzhoko's
harem as his favourite Circassian wife, Giddigul, entered and said, in
melancholy tones, I've a bit of news. We are all to be sacked to-
morrow-sacked and thrown into the Bosphorus. Sisters of the fickle
moon, we have been bowled out! Our yashmacks will be torn off! We
shall be enveloped in potato-bags I Splash !-we will be devoured by
eels !" The quinces and pomegranates the houris were eating went the
wrong way, and horrible choky sounds echoed through the seraglio.
Then up rose Senna, an ebon Nubian Venus. She was a tall, arrow-
straight lass of sweet seventeen, with the form of a nymph, the head of
a baboon, a violent squint, and the gleaming white teeth of a young
crocodile.
"Trust to me, you silly little stoopids," laughed Senna; "I'll make
things square with the obese old josser." She had barely finished her
sentence when Mustapha Boezzboko entered. The red skin of his bull-
neck was so distended with rage that it fell over his gold-embroidered
collar. As he flung himself on a Prussian-blue velvet ottoman he
growled, I've copped you girls at last through the medium of a private
detective; and, by my grandfather's turban and carpet slippers, you
shall find your way to Marmora without a boat." "Was old skid-a-ma-
link angry, then," warbled Senna, skipping up to him, and pouring a
jar of whisky andjassamine over his beard. "Confound it !" exclaimed
Boezzboko, you are taking all the dye out." Forgive me, Effendi,"
cried the girl, producing a tiny brass dish containing three cigarettes.
'Smoke, O father of the Golden Horn.'" He whiffed in silence for
thirty-five minutes by the old Dutch clock hanging against a column of
porphyry and jaspar, when suddenly his oily black eyes twinkled in their
pursy recesses; and, with the salacious good-humour of a satyr, he said,
"Senna, my dove, what call you these cigarettes ?" "My lord and
master," replied Senna, "the three samples I handed you are known as
Egyptian Beauties, Au Soleil, and the Moslem, obtainable wholesale at
86 Leadenhall Street, London." "Good," answered Boezzboko;
"they are the best I've ever smoked. I shall order three tons; they
have calmed my irritation. Bless you all, my girls I Not one of you
shall be sacked for at least a month. Npw I am hungry; bring me a
boiled basilisk for lunch."

A (B)Oysterous Ballad.
A FIG for care, a truce to woe-
All carking care is now condensed;
Yea, let us all be gay, for, lo,
The Oyster Season has commenced !
What care we now who makes our laws,
Or which M.P. may feel incensed;
We now can face such things, because
The Oyster Season has commenced
What boots it now how lawyers fight?
What legal questions may be fenced?
Such matters cause us no affright,
The Oyster Season has commenced.
No, we cry "Hence I" to every care,
And straightway every care is "henced
All minor troubles we can bear,
The Oyster Season has commenced.

Not Stag-nation.
THE Stag-Season started on August Io,
So haste to the glens, ye loggers;
But do not boast of your triumphs then,
As do numerous foolish braggers;
For, lo, if you do, the disdain of men
May give you all the stag-gers!

ACCORDING to General" Booth's statements, the finances of the
Salvation Army are in a most flabby state. We have noticed that the
paid "officers have been more blasphemous, and the paid bands more
noisy, of late during their Sunday parades; but, at the same time, we
have observed a very satisfactory diminution in the number of wild-eyed
maniacs and mooney-eyed half-wits who follow their hawk-eyed profes-
sional leaders. There seems to be some reasonable chance of the Army
being routed by hungry creditors, and melting away sooner or later.

1WTo CORIaRMOVIDNaTS.-TAO Lditor ao" not 6ina hirnself to acknowledge, retunr, or Payfor Contributiorn. In no catu cill they be rel,-e-ed unics-
accompanied 0) a stamped and directed enveosft.

___ __ __

74 1'E T N AUGUST IS, 1886.

-A

POINTS.
Scene-BROADACRE PARK.
Lady Loo.- "WELL, CHARLIE, HOW D'YOU LIKE YOUR NEW PURCHASE? IS HE WELL BROKEN?'
Captain Charles.-" THOROUGHLY, AS REGARDS HIS WIND." L. L.-" THAT'S BAD. WILL HE TAKE TIMBER?"
C. C.-"YES! JUST TRIED HIM AT A GATE, AND HE TOOK THE TOP BAR OFF."
L. L.-"SUPPOSE YOU'LL SELL HIM?" C. C.-"RATHER. HE' SOLD ME."

Popping His Policy.
(SEE CARTOON.)
I AM sure-though I hardly know why-
You have all of you heard or have read
Of the Law of Demand and Supply;
For a good deal about it is said
In Political Economy.
But it certainly doesn't denote
An excessive possession of nous
To perceive how that Law is remote,
When the Ministers come to the House
And request it some moneys to vote.
For whatever shall be the demand
That is made by those Government chaps
Will be scrutinized rigidly, and
May be forced to reduction, perhaps,
In a manner they can't understand.

Whilst although, when their needs they pro-
pound,
The Supply that they manage to get
May on sundry occasions be found
To fall short of their own Demand, yet
It will ne'er be the other way round.

PRICE, ONE EHILLING; Poet-free, la. 2d.
SNOOPI N- Ca-,
By HARLES G. LELAND (" Hans Breitmann ").
Snoopers cannot do better than read, mark, learn,
and inwardly digest Mr. Leland's good-humoured chas-
tisements of their foibles."-Islington Gazette.
"All admirers of Hans Breitmann should get this
volume. It is the cheapest shillings worth, and one of
the best and humorous that has been issued."- Weekly
Times and Echo.
r53 FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C.

PRICE, ONE SHILLING; Post-free, Is. 2d.
THE RIVER OF LIFE,
By JOHN LATEY, JUN.
"'Tis a well-contrived story, with incident rife. By
John Latey, Junior-' The River of Life.' "-Puncd.
"The story is full of interesting scenes admirably
told."-Illustrated London News.
"The changes are skilfully rung on love, revenge
and sensation."-Morning Post.
'The River' is just thekind for a Bookseller's Row,
and the publishers will get a good 'sail.' It is a river
in which everyone who wishes for a pleasant hour should
take a dip."-" Dagonet," in the Referee.
"An exciting tale, in which animated descriptions of
dramatic and sporting scenes are interwoven with
ingenious plot."-Daily News.
"One of the most startling and sensational of the
new shilling novels."-Lady's Pictorial.
"A succession of exciting events is kept up with go."
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153 FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C.

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80LUBLE.
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London : Printed by DaIriel Bro'hers at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published tfor the Proprietoas) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E C.
Wveduxsday, August z8th, x886.

SLASHES AND PUFFS.
THE GRAND.-Mr. Frank Harvey has given us a good many plays
in his time-and very stirring and strange some of them have been-

hurry about producing this, however; and Mr. Irving re-opens next
month with the undefeated and unexhausted Faust.-Another suggestion
for our contemporary-
When a manager wants to cast a piece,
Designed for a physical display,
He'll readily engage from the Music Hall or Stage,
Whoever is built that way.-
Messrs. B. C. Stephenson and A. Cellier's new comic opera, Dorothy,
will appear at the Gaiety about the third week in September, on which
occasion Mr. C. Harris will tear himself away from the fraternal roof of
Drury Lane, and take office at the Strand house as stage.manager.-
Mrs. John Wood, The Schoolmistress, has been taking a vacation,"
during which Miss Minnie Bell has acted as locum tenens, the "young
ladies" appearing no more (or less) a-minnie-bell to authority than
usual; Mr. Clayton, the old sea-dog, also taking a holiday, and has
put on a Macintosh at the theatre.-A Run of Luck is what Mr. Harris
intends to have at Drury Lane.-The Palace of Pearl couldn't do at the
Empire, so "a grand musical and choreographic display" (which is
high polite for a variety show, I suppose) will be tried next, under Mr.
Nicholls; it opened on Saturday last, in fact, a version of Le Postilion
de Lonjumeau being also in the programme. Mdlles. Pertoldi and
Luna will do the footing."-On Monday, Mrs. Conover produced
Macbeth at the Leicester Opera House, and we shall have it at the
Olympic somewhere about the 3rd prox.-Mr. Howell-Poole has
adapted and successfully produced, in the country, Ouida's Tricotrin "
under the title of The Child of Chance.-Mr. John R. Rogers says he

but his latest venture, Life and Death, which was tried on the merrie has transferred his contract to play Miss Minnie almer, i Austral
Islingtonians the other night (albeit a powerful and at times really to the Hon. Geo. Coppin. What sort of a fish is Minnie that sl
dramatic drama), is one of the strangest mixtures ever imported into needs playing? Would you call her a sprat, or a jolly little sole? B
this country by English adapters, among whom Mr. Harvey certainly the-way, this little lady is reported to have been in a railway carria
takes high rank. All your sympathies go to the wrong people. The that was shot through by the Belfast rioters. The report is heade
component parts of this piece are an illegitimate child, who, according A miraculous escape." I don't see it. If Minnie hadn't been their
to the law of France (as per programme), can be made legitimate by now, that would have been "a miraculous escape "-from a good ad.-
the marriage of one or both of the parents. The new parent has simply Toole's has shut with a snap.-Mr. Edouin, on the contrary, is doi
to acknowledge the child, and it becomes his own by law, &c., &c. extremely well at the Comedy. It is on the cards that he goes to tl
The original mother of this child is an adventuress with two husbands. Royalty at the end of his present term at the former house. Luck co
The first is a villain who is not visible; the second is a well-meaning timue with him. He and his clever and amusing wife have deserve
but weak-minded young count, who is really not of much ac-Count. well of the B.P.-Mr. Fred. W. Broughton is said to have written
There is also a consumptive heroine, who, on swallowing arsenic pro- new three-act comedy, which will be brought out-or brought on-at
vided for her by the adventuress, not only doesn't die, but gets quite London theatre shortly.-
well again, when, of course, for a little while the trouble increases, then The Empire wants a variety show;
daggers, &c., &c. Throughout Mr. Harvey's company played cleverly. The Alhambra and the Pav. cry "Nay!"
But the Empire says 'taint fit for plays,
NODS AND WINKS.-" Our Mary sent a life-like portrait of her- Because it ain't built that way.-
self to the landlord of the Leather Bottle, Cobham, recently, to hang in They have an open-air theatre at the Crystal Palace, now, like t]
the Pickwickian room of that famous inn. It'is generally believed that Albert. An idyllic ballet, called Daphnis and Chloe, is the pabulu
Miss Anderson, like most Americans (and not a few Britons, thanks be), presented, danced by the pupils of the National Training School, und
has a strong affection for Dickens; but that seems more like a reason the tuition of Madame Katti Lanner, and the management of Mr. Osc
for hanging his portrait in her room, doesn't it? Apropos, this lady is Barrett.-On the 7th of n-xt February, Miss Fannie Leslie brings fa
believed to have shed tears over the sham Old Curiosity Shop in Ports- in the Box to the Strand. Meantime, there are a few other things you c
mouth Street. As a contemporary (and a lady "comic ") might put it- see, while you're waiting for it.-Miss Lingard's season at the Corned
To Cobham you may go, to the Dickens' room, you know,
And think about his genius all day;
But the house in Portland Street was an undiluted cheat,
For Nelly's wasn't built that way.-
With Mr. Charles Warner in the chair (Mr. Edmund Yates being too
unwell to occupy that post), and every actbr worth speaking about, as
well as heaps of other clever people (such as artists and dramatic critics) il -
in other chairs round the tables, Mr..Barrett had a handsome "set off"
on Thursday week-a "set off," let us hope, that will compensate him
for having to tear himself away from us for ever so many months.--
The Princess's, by the way, will remain closed until towards the end of
next month, at which autumnal period Mr. Hamilton's Harvest will be
housed there, under the direction of Mr. C. Hawtrey. This title rather
suggests a performance in a barn, doesn't it? (Don't be offended, Mr.
Author-that's only my barn-ey !)-When the Harvest is over, Mr.
Wyndham will make what gleanings he can with Mr. H. A. Jones's I
"romantic drama of provincial life.- The beauty of Mr. Augustus -
Harris (apart from his personal attractions) is that he is always thinking
of something, and giving us the benefit of the result. He has been
thinking of fires lately, and has instituted a sort of "surprise drill" at
Drury Lane, with the fire-hose, &c., giving the alarm at unexpected
moments. This is really the only way to prepare for the emergencies
those articles are intended to meet; and if I was a member of the paying
public, instead of an illustrious dead-head, I should go to Mr. Harris's
theatre every night for the future, just to show my gratitude. At the with Sister Mary, will be managed by Mr. C. J. Abud. This is the ha
Lyceum, "the next, please" (as our Mr. Thorne will presently be bud that has never been drawn over the foot-lights, but is so uncommon
remarking again in Sophia), will be Mr. Wills's version of the King useful (and ornamental) on this side of them.-La Blarnaise will appear
Arthur and Queen Guinevere legend, in which little game Mr. Irving the Prince's somewhere about the 22nd prox. Miss Marie Tempest h
will play the King; Miss Terry, the Queen; and, I wonder, who the been engaged, as well as Miss St. John. NESTOR.
Knight-" that brave bad Knight, Sir Lancelot." There will be no
Quotation from an unpublished poem in the Editor's waste-paper basket.-N. A DESIRABLE training just now. Taking the train to the sea-side.

a,
he
y-
e
-e,

ng
he
n-
ed
a
a

he
im
er
ar
ck
an
y,

-y-
Ily
at
as

AUGUST 25, x886. FIUN. 77

TOPPITY TWIST'S TRIP. A TRAGICAL TIDAL TALE.

BOAT FOR DIEPPE
S STARTS

"Off to Paris, sir?" asked the affable stranger. Arriving at Newhaven at to p.m., this notice stared "How about going somewhere and having some fizz and a
" Yes," said T. T.; I've got plenty of cash to them in the face. weed or two till it's time to start? said the A. S.
spend, and I mean to have a high old time of it I"

"What d'ye say to 'Nap'?" he suggested further. And And at 2.15 am. his last sovereign had gone. But T. T. couldn't get on board. "Awfully
"Nap" it was accordingly. T. T.'s luck was not surprisingly "Bless mel" said the A. S. "Time has flown, sorry," said the A. S. "Good-bye. Au
good. We must get aboard I" revoir!" And T. T. was left lamenting.

BY THE BEACH.
AND I like sitting out here. Do I like sitting out here ? ,that's just
your mistake, I don't care anything about it. What pleasure can I
have in seeing children making sand castles ? Some of them are playing
with a small crab. Hullo! he's nipped one of them, all the better.
They are tying the child's finger up in a pocket-handkerchief, and he's
boo-booing like a young jackal. How I wish they'd keep all the
children at home and smack 'em well I hate to see them capering
about the beach Pick up things, do they ? What good, I should like
to know, can it. do a child to go collecting dead shrimps and bits of
stone, and stuffing its pockets with beastly sea-weed ? Bosh Their
elders are just as bad.
There's a young cad scaling the cliff to cut his name in the chalk.
That name ought to be "Jackass !" Some of them break their necks
at that kind of foolery, and a good job too, I say. What on earth
pleasure can there be in cutting out Robert Jones, 1886, with your pen-
knife? Yet fools do it everywhere. Some of our fellows who went up
the Nile did it in the tombs. There's a boy with a net trying to get
moths. All he'll get will be sand-flies and a box on the eats when he
gets home for spoiling his clothes. Moth catching, indeed There are
plenty of blue moths on the cliffs, are there? There can be plenty of
earwigs for what I care, and there are, too. They've been crawling
about my ankles for ever so long. This you call enjoying yourself on
the beach I
There's that old sailor talking to the two fellows by the boat. A nice
old marine chamois he is. I hate old sailors; they always smell of
drink and bad tobacco. They always lie, too. That man's got a yarn
about Prince Albert talking to him that I know's a lie from beginning
to end. And yet people are fools enough to give him shillings when he
lets them look through his telescope. The idiotcy of people at the sea-

side is perfectly marvellous. People will be so beastly friendly, too.
A man's just been asking me what I think of Randolph Churchill.
Now am I such an idiot as to take the trouble to travel a hundred miles
or so for the pleasure of talking about him ? Bah You call this
amusement.
Bathing? I'm not going to bathe. Then a donkey-ride, sir ? No I !
and if you come near me again I'll box your ears.
DIOGENES TUBnS,

Men and Things.
EARLY risers are often practical jokers ; as a matter of fact, they are
up with the lark.
Indigestion may be defined as spring-as the return of the swallow.
A billiard player is a very handy individual to have about the house.
If anything is required, he can be said to be on the spot.
A person who brings out a satirical work which is promptly con-
demned may consider himself satire pon.
Every sort of dice are bad, even cowar-dice.
Although the director of the railway company is supposed to know all
about the royal train, the court modiste knows as much about it.
The pen is mightier than the sword, but the ripe old Stilton is the
mite-yist!

WHILE some of the dirtiest and most loathsome scoundrels on
the face of the globe are allowed to loll about, take their ease,
and shed their influence within the Leicester Square enclosure, clean,
harmless little dogs, though under proper control, are not permitted to
enter with their owners, by order of that astute body the Metropolitan
Board of Works.

78 FTN AUGUST 25, i886.

VERY TELLING.
FOR a long time past we had wondered how United Ireland and its
fellow-prints managed to make us thick-skinned aliens wince so. It did
not seem to us that
it could be the caustic
wit, nor the vivid im-
press of truth in every
S word, nor the justice
S of their cause-no, it

strange and secret
power could spring
from these.
So we set to work
to carefully study the
Method of the United
Irish Fulminators;
and we flatter our-
selves that we have
succeeded in imbuing
ourselves with the spi-
^ rit of their method of
S criticism of current
events. The way to
sting your enemies is,
-- then, to roll a fact
over until it stands,
exactly balanced, on
its head, with its heels toward the sky. This is the true way to bring
the flagitiousness home to them. Here are a few samples : we are not
sure whether they are from our own imitative pen, or from the pages of
United Ireland, or one of its brother prints; but it doesn't matter :-
THE RECENT EXECUTION AT KILRUNNAMUCK.
WE hail with delight the news of one more execution of an alien
landlord by the brave and faithful boys of the National League. It
seems that the ruffianly landgrabber was walking unsuspectingly in the
grounds of his castle, when twelve true and dauntless boys, wearing
black masks, sprang upon him from behind a wall, and chopped him to
pieces, afterwards running away at full speed.
Thus is Ireland rid of one more tyrant and oppressor. The conduct
of the boys is above all praise, while that of the landlord throughout the
whole affair is impossible to contemplate without a shudder of loathing
and contempt. The mean cowardice of the creature in deliberately
laying wait for the boys-hidden behind a wall, and wearing a black
mask, forsooth !-and then, with coldblooded ferocity, springing out
upon them and doing them to death; his vile and despicable cowardice
in attacking them with such odds on his side (for we read that there
were twelve of him, and only one of them) ; his sanguine ferocity in
chopping them all-the whole dozen of them-in pieces; and, finally,
the dastardly and craven manner of his flight "at full speed are enough
to make one despair of human nature, were not one well aware that
demoniac, and not human, nature dwells in the breast of the alien
Saxon wherever found. Surely this one more murderous exploit, added
to the long list of those committed by English landlordism, calls aloud
for that terrible and unsparing vengeance which Erin shall one day
wreak upon her English oppressor; shrieks with far-echoing voice to
the whole civilized world to unite, and, with one crashing blow, hurl
the English demons from their own.cliffs, and sow their land with salt.

MORE EXTORTION BY A LAND-GRABBER.
THE recent occurrences at Ballybluggy prove that some sense of the
justice of the tenants' cause forces itself even into the sordid and greed-
soaked soul of the English landlord. It seems that Lord Jones (an
alien land-grabber and robber) has, voluntarily and without solicitation,
remitted the whole year's rent to all his tenants in consideration of the
poorness of the harvest.
But we chuckle with delight as we reflect that such base and pitiless
avarice does but hasten the approach of that day of reckoning, when the
English landlord shall welter in his blood under the heel of the generous
and forgiving Irish tenant.
The grasping greed of Lord Jones, the alien, is but a sample of that
which instigates the acts of every alien robber and pillager.
We ask ourselves with a shudder, "Where will that entire year's
rent, so cruelly and savagely extorted, be spent?" and the answer
always comes, like an echo from Hades, "In England, on drunkenness
and every form of hideous vice, swelling the purses of the alien trades-
man, and fattening England into a plethora of sanguinary and inflated
bloodthirstiness, whose gorgon-like monstrosity (Rest of this
article illegible owing to excited feelings of comfositor.)

The seet ov expression ov a dog lies in hiz tale.-O. E. POTTS.

A Slur on the Sex.
(A LETTER FROM THE LADIES.)
[The Atheneum asserts that "though humour is vouchsafed to not a few of the
inferior animals, it is denied to Womankind." Our readers will, therefore, not feel
surprised to learn that the following indignant epistle has been received at this office ]
DEAR MR. FUN,-Please kindly print the following complaint,
On a subject which you'll own is quite enough to vex a saint.
For, Sir, the Atheneum--which, of yore, was wise and shrewd-
Has lately made a statement which is reckless, ay, and ride-
Not only rude, but silly, for our sex it has maligned-
It even says that Humour is denied to Womankind !
Now, what d'you think of that, Sir? Don't your heart within you burn,
To find that paper treat us with such utter unconcern?
Yet some INFERIOR animals, 'tis good enough to say,
Possess a deal of humour, in a quiet sort of way.
But that frint says not that Donkeys are by Nature so designed,
Although it holds that humour is denied to Womankind.
If our sex's lack of humour means a failure to endorse
The Athencum's so-called wit-we're guilty, then, of course;
But we are not alone in that; the other sex, no doubt,
If it searched that sheet for humour, would not quicklyfind it out.
In that dry-as-dust old organ, sense 'twere difficult to find,
Since it dares to say that Humour is denied to Womankind.
At a certain firm in Fleet Street, Sir, true Humour is supplied;
'Tis One-Hundred-and Fifty-Three-and (from the West) the left hand
side.
They sell a different class of thing from Athcneum sneers-
A playful kind of wit, that ne'er inebriates, but cheers.
Such humour we can understand, 'tis brilliant, yet refined;
And FUN does not say "Humour is denied to Womankind !" *
[ Perish the thought I We should think not, indeed. Bless the fair sex's hearts,
collectively and individually, they can appreciate humour when they see it. We love
'em all-especially Mrs. F., of course.-FuN ]

ABSIT H-OMEN.-Sobriquet for the Battersea Home, suggested by
a despondent dog.-" The dog's last home."

BEAUTIES OF SHAKESPEARE.
BURLESQUED BY OUR BACCHANALIAN ARTIST-WELL ON THE
BOOM.
IV

:/ ~/" 1
/
"TISE~TIsA ENLEAN" BAR NT LVE SOSTU

BEARS NOT ALIVE SO STOUT
First Part Henry IV.

" THIS EARTH

A GENTLEMAN."-

A PRUDENT ANIMAL.
[" Some remarkable medicinal springs were discovered some time ago on the line of the Canadian Pacific Railway. The origin of their fame is curious. A resident
of Calgary observed a bear badly afflicted in the joints taking regular baths in the hot springs every night. By-and-bye a marked Improvement was noticed in the
supp'eness of the brute."-Newsp.afer.]

We have long been rather believers in the doctrine of Transmigration. When we read of that clever bear we posted off to interview it, and found it just going home
to its den, towels and all, after its bath.
.iCe
-. -J
-~-%-

It had a comfortable den, and was very civil. Fact is," it said, I've been thinking that I might be a human in some future state, so I thought it might be as
well to puff these springs a bit. Don't feel inclined to take a few shares in the Rocky Mountains Miraculous Bear Hot Springs Company, do you ?" It was a
remarkable instance of foresight in the brute creation.
--^ -.* ^^SB~i -,'-*' ^-^ ^ I i ,1I

Well, when we went that way next, and stepped into the Miraculous Bear Hotel, who should receive us but that bear, transmigrated into human form. He is Managirg
Director and Chairman of the Company, and is said to be doing well.

SHOULDERED OUT.
THE unfortunate Middle-Class Public had been dozing for a long time,
and never doing anything for himself, when he rose up one day and
thought he'd go about
a bit and enjoy a few
of the advantages
which existence under
an enlightened system
of administration is
safe to secure, Now,
he was not rich, nor
was he poor; he had
no particular trade-
never shouted or ad-
vertised himself-
much; and that ac-
counts for it all. He
had a general feeling
of discomfort, as if his
surroundings were not
what they should be;
he seemed to feel that
his comforts and privi-
leges were somehow
a good deal curtailed
that, in fact, he
hadn't any.
And he came across a British Manufacturer.
"Ha ha !" said the British Manufacturer, things will be fat and
prosperous for me very soon. There's been a Royal Commission about
the depression in my prosperity, and a lot of letters sent to the papers
about it."
"Oh, indeed!" said the Middle-Class Public. "I should like a
Royal Commission and the rest of it about the reason why everything I
buy is adulterated, and why I'm swindled right and left."
Then there was a great grim silence; and the Manufacturer chuckled,
and said, Oh there's no room for you-you're only the Public i "
And the Middle-Class Public passed on, and saw the interests of
costermongers discussed, but could not get an inquiry into the reason
why the things sold by costermongers were so often bad; and he saw
the interests of soldiers and sailors and policemen and cabinet ministers
and cabmen discussed, but could not get in his interests even by the thin
end. And so, at length he came upon the Working Man, who said,
"Here's a nice, wholesome, well-drained house I've got. The Law
has taken care of that."
"I should like the Law to have a look at my house too," began the
Middle-Class Public-but the great, grim silence quickly froze him up.
"Well, at any rate, I can go and amuse myself," he said; "I can go
to the Colinderies- "
So you can if you can pay half-a-crown for yourself and each of your
numerous family," said the Workman. "And if you can't do that, you
can come on one of the other days of the week-all of which are devoted
to me-and be hustled and crushed and worried and deafened by dense
crowds of people and school-children who get in for nothing; That's a
good arrangement, ain't it ?"
It's a very good arrangement to let the poor in cheap on certain
days of the week," said the Middle-Class Public; "but they need not
have given them all the days, and left none for me I"
"Ah i" replied the Working Man, "you're out of it, you see !"

Cheep To-day.
SSpeaking of Grouse, a weekly paper says, Cheepers are many yet, and those who
defer their sport until the end of the month, may fare best."]
AMONG the grouse are many "cheepers" yet,
But their improvement daily growth nearer.
Yet buyers view this matter with regret,
For a grouse, when not a cheeperr," is far dearer.

THE proprietor of a meat-freezing establishment accidentally shut
himself in an ice-box lately while the employs were away at dinner.
Slowly and gradually the unfortunate man was being frozen into the
very coldest of meat; but after the most frantic and fearful efforts he
managed to burst some planks of his prison, and wriggled his way out.
Later on he was found lying near the refrigerator, cold as an iceberg.
He was carried by his servants into a restaurant next door, kept by a
plump widow. She bravely undertook to thaw him, and she nearly
succeeded in doing so in three days. On the fourth day the cure was
complete, and the meat dealer was so melted by the widow's warm-
heartedness that he married her straight off, much to the disgust of her
customers, who prefer fresh joints to preserved.

TURF CUTTINGS.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,-I feel certain that you and your readers will be only too glad to
hear from me concerning the great Ebor Handicap; so, reclining on the
broad of my back upon a most luxuriant couch, with a magnificent
Havannah in one of my jewelled hands, and a foaming beaker of
Extra Dry in the other, I pen the following
TIP FOR THE EBOR.
THERE'S a mist on the mountain that faces the mansion
Where Fortune has placed the Old Man at his ease,
But there's nothing to damage his bosom's expansion
In simple phenomena like unto these.
No mist on his mind or his brain is there resting,
No doubt or timidity troubles his head,
He hasn't a thought of deceiving (or "besting "),
But goes, like a bird, for the winner instead.
There's merry King Monmouth stands high in the betting,
But that's all the honour he's like to attain;
Perdita the Second somefame will be netting,
But she's not to be backed out and out in the main.
There's Haridan offers good business," I fancy,
And Beaumont might do very well for a place;
And Jacob, I take it, without necro-mancy
Or seven years' service, may show a good face.
Le Cassier, also, a many may take to,
And Tita's enticing, if only in name,
But neither will land any suitable stake to
Repay for the candle that's spent on the game.
Euralian, truly, should claim your attention,
And well will your time in his service be spent,
But give me Prince Rudolph, allow me to mention,
And I shall be ready to rest me content.

This is the right sort of tip, and ought to do you good. Shan't bother
to write again till the Leger is well ripened; meantime, Ormonde is
good enough to think about. Now for another cigar, another bottle of
dry, and another sumptuous couch, and I am, yours, &c.,
Craig Shaws, last Tuesday. TROPHONIUS.

A PUGILISTIC lawyer was charged the other day with assaulting a
Town Councillor. The prisoner said, "'Straighten up, Councillor,
shake up your knowledge-box, and remember you are on your oath.
Now! was it not you who assaulted me?" "Sir!" answered the
Councillor, white, and wet with tears of indignation; Sir! if you had
my nose-if you were the proprietor of a swollen boko that looks like a
half cooked kidney, you would not ask such a ridiculous question.
It was so sore this morning that I could not wash it." "It does
certainly bear evidence of extreme violence," remarked the magistrate,
tenderly, "and if you take my advice, sir, you will rub it well with
goose-grease, and abstain from taking snuff for a few days. And as for
you, oh, most redoubtable solicitor, be kind enough to pay fifteen fairly
good shillings for the pleasure you derived in crumping the Councillor's
conk."

When Did Not One Fool Make Many?
THE feat of "shooting Niagara" in a barrel, performed the other day
by one Buffalo cooper, has been imitated-rapidly, of course-by two
Buffalo coopers in a barrel, and in the sight of fifteen thousand onlookers.

AUGUST 25, 1886. .1 N 83

KNIOKNAOKS.
THOUGH the Americans don't seem to mind Irish rowdies settling on
their soil, they have a rooted objection to the scum of other nations
drifting into their country. The
other day a foreign gentleman,
who looked like an escaped
Bandit, arrived as steerage pas-
senger at Castle Garden. "What
nationality?" asked the registry
clerk. "Spanish," replied the
S emigrant. "What rank, pro-
fession, or trade?" was the next
7 v question. "Me rankts is run of
God's noblemens," was the an-
swer. Whereupon the seedy
stranger was locked up, the clerk
S remarking that it was quite an
unknown brand of nobleman.
J After being detained for some
time, the nobleman was shipped
back to Europe, with a strong
hint that if he appeared again
in New York he would meet
with a sultry reception, calculated to bake all the nobility out of him.

ONE of our well-known doctors testifies to the remarkably curative
effect of cocaine in cases of sea-sickness. The doctor's last cure was
made on board a Margate boat. While passing Greenwich, his attention
was called to a serious case of mal de mer. The sufferer was a taciturn
young gentleman of twenty-five. He was a pitiable sight, his face being
the tint of his drab hat, and his nose the colour of his magenta necktie.
The medical man felt his pulse, and administered fourteen minims of
cocaine in cold water. Ten minutes after the young man felt better,
and was soon able to partake of four cold brandies, two bottles of stout,
and three gin and bitters. Though the vessel lurched several times
the patient managed to eat calves' head, chicken, ham, roast beef,
gooseberry tart, salad and cheese for dinner. He then took a few cold
rums without difficulty, smoked four cigars, and in vivid language told
the captain how he once captured a shark eighteen feet long off Cape
Cod; a singularly voracious shark, in whose stomach was found three
prayer books, five pairs of Wellington boots, two dozen hollow-ground
razors, a coal-scuttle, and eight cut decanters. Truly cocaine must be
a firm flick up for both mind and body.

A POLICEMAN arrested for fruitiness the other night pleaded that he
was not under the influence of old Jamaica rum. He attributed his
clouded condition to an overdose of onions and quinine. In order that
the case may be satisfactorily cleared up, the Commissioners are trying
the relative effects of Jamaica rum, and quinine and onions on certain
picked constables. The picked officers' wives are in a sad state at
their husbands being experimented on in this fashion.

SOME artfully ingenious person has invented a smart contrivance, in
the shape of a tricky paper bottle that looks like a simple packet, for
passing intoxicants through the post into the prohibition States-Maine,
Iowa, and Georgia. This bottle, which may be used dozens of times
before wearing out, can be mailed full of spirit at four cents postage,
and returned to be refilled at two cents. A vast amount of sly drinking
goes on in the prohibition States, and prolonged orgies of the most
objectionable character are continually held in the private houses of
folk who pretend they are total abstainers.

A VERY young girl, born of Italian parents, in 'Frisco is beginning to
create a stir in the States as a tragddienne. Of her genius there is no
question, say the critics, but her somewhat dumpy figure they argue
is against her chances of rivalling Sarah Bernhardt, Mary Anderson,
and Janauschek. Her face we learn is a model of beauty to rhapsodize
and enthuse over. It is powerfully dramatic in expression though rich
in cunning dimples, and makes one forget at times her sawed-off, ham-
mered-down appearance. The tragedienne's hair, too, seems to delight
the censors, for it is described by one and all to be shimmersome as
spun glass; while its colour is rich as the tints of sun-scorched corn-
tassels. When playing Juliet it seems that the actress invests the kisses
she blows with so much rahat-lakoum that bald-headed dudes in the
stalls have to be assisted out to buffets, and cooled down by obliging
Hebes with lemon squashes and scent-sprays. The name of the fasci-
nating debutante is Florence Molinelli.

DURING seven years of bad trade statisticians compute that 180o,170
has been needlessly spent abroad by our Admiralty and the War Office.
The forthcoming investigation is likely to be the first of a series that
will probably lay bare a mass of bribery and corruption, flagrant and
rank as that which saps the Ottoman and Muscovite Empires.

The Ballade of "No Address."
THERE are times in the life of a man
When he hungers for peaceful seclusion,
For a rest from all care-if there can
Be such rest in this world of confusion I
You may shun all vexatious intrusion,
To peace all your energies bend;
But to make it no wretched delusion,
Don't leave your address with a friend I
You may go to Beersheba or Dan,
Or hide in the hills Andalusian,
In Ugogo or Afghanistan,
Or dwell with a Zulu or Roosian;
Use life like an old Rosicrucian,
Whose days will ne'er come to an end-
But to make it no wretched delusion,
Don't leave your address with a friend !
You may love some fair Mary or Ann,
Who leaves you to sadly in rue sigh on;
You may feel you are under a ban,
And wish to seek out for a new Zion,
Find comfort in Plato and Lucian-
But wherever your way you may wend,
To make rest no wretched delusion,
Don't leave your address with a friend I
ENVOI.
Again this advice in conclusion,
If living in peace you intend,
To make it no wretched delusion,
Don't leave your address with a friend I

ANOTHER Town Councillor figured as defendant lately in a court of
justice. This gentleman was pulled up for refusing to assist some
police-officers in securing a riotous inebriate, and giving him the frog's
march. The Councillor stated that the counstables were quite strong
enough to batter all the wickedness out of the prisoner, and choke him
into an amiable state of quiescence, without his aid. Besides, he did
not care for tussles with roughs who fought utterly regardless of the
Marquis of Queensberry's rules, especially while he was suffering from
dyspepsia.
A CORRESPONDENT to a paper suggests that tips are the rule at the
Exhibition, and they ought to be done away with. He suggests that
waitresses and others should be better paid. He is quite right. His
idea is quitefee-sible.

IN AN ALCOVE AT THE "COLINDIES."
MAabel.-" I wonder how you can smoke that nasty, horrid thing,
Bob. I'm sure it's only cabbage."
Bob.-" Yaas, no doubt; but I have always been fond of green
stuff, Mabel ; and in this Red Sea sort of weather, I'm a regular con-
firmed vegetarian."

84 i'U N AUGUST 25, 1886.

A LITTLE SPA-ING.
\ M1 decided to go where nobody had ever
Sbeen-that's why we selected Finsland.
When we told the Sober Boy that it was
/ a watering-place he nearly cried off; but
S Our Lina said there was plenty of tris sec
S in the portmanteau, and that steadied
i him. To get to Finsland you have to go a
good way north, and then change car-
on riages, so Our Lina and Sisters took the
"IsNA. four corner seats and the best literature,
.WA. Ls ... and the Sober Boy and the South African
took what was left. That's how we
passed the day. The Sober Boy read more than he'd ever done in his
life before, and when we came to change-" I say !" he said, "what's
all this about a place called Ireland and Home Rule?" You go and
look after the boxes," said Sisters. The South African was rather
savage when we got to our destination, and he found that his things had
been ordered off the truck by the
Sober One, and left behind.-
The hotel was about a quarter of
a mile from the station, and we
travelled over a mile and a half or
so of hills in a leisurely 'bus to get .
at it, "What I like about this ;'
water-ing-place," said the South I
African, "is that there isn't any .: '
sea." Then we had to explain that '
this was a mineral watering-place,
because he meant to be sarcastic.
Our rooms were all together in a
row-Sisters and Our Lina had Nos.
26 and oy7, the Sober Boy was
lodged in 1027, and the South
African came next in No. 78. Sis- .
ters thought they hadn't learnt to
count here.
In a quarter of an hour we met sHEt Y
and compared notes. W. WFULLY J L
Our Lina had found out that SAo T'. soeT iy
there was a ball-room, and was too excited to carry discovery any
further.
The South African was on friendly terms with the'landlord and land-
lady, the barmaids, the waiters, the grooms, the horses, dogs, and
chickens.
The Sober Boy said all the chambermaids were pretty, and there
were some nice girls staying in the hotel
S (one of them called "the Flower of
Dumblane," seemed to have made a
Severe impression), and Sisters had found
South a good deal (more or less apochry-
S phal) about the visitors, from a bio-
graphical elderly lady. "Facilis de-
\\ /' censuss" muttered the Sober Boy, as we
l ,' descended a steep stone to the sul-
t' phur spring; and, presently, when we
w .... got near enough to smell it, he cried
out, "Oh, hang it! my time hasn't
come yet! and turned back. Our
Lina was the only one who tasted the waters. She didn't say much;
but her expression did. When we got back, the Sober Boy had been
making enquiries about the objects of interest" around. We were
all most interested in a thing they call "The Popping Stone." Such
a useful thing, if we
happen to run short,"
said the S. B., eyeilg
his watch specula-
Stively.
Our Lina was in "

as ever the fiddler,
began tuning up. I
think that girl en- .i"
joyed herself. The
"Flower of Dum-
blane" was pretty
popular, but the So-
ber Boy managed to
edge himselfin some- `RATHER AJOe LQt',SISTEs SlsDo
how, and make ra- I .E ', OGC. RHE.N V STOOP
their an exhibition of
himself. He said, afterwards, that he'd been very amusing-but the
S. B. is apt to deceive himself on that point. Sisters were exclusive,

and wouldn't dance with any but "their own party," and made them-
selves rather disagreeable after-
wards, commenting on our ap- '
pearance; so we told them to t
go to bed, and adjourned to
the smoking-room. There was
a good deal of politics going
on, rather mixed in flavour,
and rather inclined to make
things look misty, like the V
smoke from many pipes. But
I think the Conservatives had t
the pull to-night," said theW
South African, as they made
for Nos. o027 and 78. "They
seemed rather merry about :
Home Rule," replied the Boy, CAME HFRE .
"that's because its new, I sup- T DRINK THE
pose. But isn't the 'Flower' WATERS;" SAID
a stunning girl, eh, my boy?" THE SouTH-
" All right," returned the other, raRICAN, A

scenting a disposition to linger a Im JUST GOING TO
DRINK THE STRONGEST I CAN
on the Boy's part; "soda and GI.In
milk in the morning, I s'pose."
The sound of the bolts reverberated through the silent corridors.
Then all was still.

NEW LEAVES.
IN Routledge's World Library "Mrs. Randall's Cookery Sweets" is a
tasteful following to her "Meats."-"Common Objects of the Sea Shore"
is an uncommonly instructive and entertaining book.-Now that the sea-
son has come when guide books are necessary, those issued byJohn Miller,
of Glasgow, for the "North British Railway, Waverley Route," "The
Land of Scott" and The Land of Burns will be found, in the way of
maps, views; and information, about as complete and as "gude as guides
can be.-" Golden Dentistry," by Messrs. Eskell-Paget (445 Strand).-
On such an all-important matter as the teeth and their treatment this may
be regarded as quite a golden essay.-" The Marriage Ring," by T. De
Witt Talmage (John Lobb).-In these thirteen discourses there is much
that, if duly considered, will favourably influence those about to marry,
family circles, and family life, also not a few denunciations of evils.
"The Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow," by Jerome K. Jerome
(Field and Tuer). The idle thoughts have led the Idle Fellow into
wisdom's ways, which are ways of pleasantness.-" Rus in Urbe," by
Mrs. Haweis (Field and Tuer). Good practical advice is given by
Mrs. Haweis on the subject of flowers (fine flowers) that thrive in
London gardens and smoky towns. By following her advice a pleasure
might be added to otherwise pleasureless lives.-" Through Cloudland
and Sunshine," by L. E. Sevorg (London Literary Society). This
book is not without merits, one of which is it is short, and we are soon
through it.-" Twelfth Night," by H. P. Deck (same publishers). The
author decks his subject so well that he lays hold of our admira-
tion, and we revel on Deck.-" Alexandra," by Dick Severne (London
Literary Society). This is a stirring story, told in simple style, with
many powerful passages.-" The Strength and Weakness of the British
Empire (Wyman and Sons). This book cannot fail to do good accord-
ing to the number of hands it falls into, as it is a strong book, with few
(if any) weaknesses. It ought to be possessed by all the working men
to whom it is dedicated.-" The Doleful History of King Leo and
Fair Erin" (The Catherine Street Publishing Association, Limited).
We almost weary of the numerous works that foreshadow the fate of
Ireland, in eventualities that may never come to pass, the chief merit of
which works is in exercising the imagination of the authors.-" The
Siege of Bodike," by Edward Lester (John Heywood). This is a
prophecy of Ireland's future; such prophecies are plentiful.

"Once upon a Time."
IT has often struck me, reader dear-and forcibly enough-
That, of all the idiotic books of idiotic stuff,
There are none so blindly foolish, whether writ in prose or rhyme,
As the ones that launch their stories forth with "Once upon a time."
There is no excuse whatever for the books which thus commence;
For you'll own it's barely probable, and hardly common sense,
That an incident, however true, however grim or nice,
Should in every way agree with "once "-that "once" should happen
twice!
I've a novel now before me; it is written by a dunce
Who insists that all his characters were only living once !
What a curious development of nature What a crime
That 'twas not their lot to live beyond that Once upon a time!"

AUGUST 25, 1886.

PUN.

Mere Boys I
OR, PARLIAMENT PLAYGROUND.
[The most striking feature of the new Parliament," says The County
Gentleman, "is its extreme boyishness."]
OUR land's M.P.s have up till now
Consisted (so we're often told)
Of mere "old women," prone to "row,"
To argue, vilify, and scold;
But now, it seems, all that is changed
(That is, the form, if not the noise),
For, lo the Commons just arranged
Is quite a Parliament of Boys.
The newly-fledged M.P.s, forsooth !
Engaged to sift affairs of State,
Are chiefly noted for their youth-
An age that carries little weight;
And so this thought we can't evade
(Although it frets us and annoys),
High jinks are likely to be played
By such a Parliament of Boys.
They'll doubtless give off rude remarks,
And daily will each other chase;
In short, we may expect that larks
Will now take legislation's place.
No doubt they'll lighten each debate
With "leap frog," "touch," and such like joys;
Meanwhile, the nation's work will wait
To please the Parliament of Boys.
Mayhap to pass the time away,
They'll have a "grotto" or a "guy "-
Or with some long pea-shooters they
May shoot peas at the Speaker's Eye.
With cricket and with football, too,
They'll in St. Stephen's make a noise;
In fact, there'll be a nice ado
With this gay Parliament of Boys.
The younger Members of this crowd
Will doubtless play at "I-spy I,"
Or furtively will blow a cloud
From strong brown paper on the sly;
Or maybe younger M.P.s still
May spend their time on sweets and toys;
Thus politics will count as nil
With such a Parliament of Boys.

A Boot-iful Fact.
I" By a peculiar law of nature, bootmakers are invariably politicians-mnually
Radicals."-Daily Telegraph.]
IT is really most peculiar
That cobblers always truly are
Enthusiasts on politics, and Radicals to boot;
We therefore wonder whether
There's a union betwixt leather
And politics that gives us the Radical as fruit.
Does he see through all the tissues
Of the specious talk, which is-shoes
From the glib and ready speaker who spouts his vapid words?
Does he think that his sole mission
Is to heal the sad condition
Of the wicked upper circles and the haughty House of Lords?
There's no doubt that Mr. Sutor
May believe the world's best tutor
Is one whose understandings rooted firm and fast;
And for this down-trodden nation
He has still this consolation-
That there nothing is like leather, and 'twill awl come right at last!

A WARWICKSHIRE labourer, summoned for keeping a savage dog,
without having it under proper control, said that the dog never bit
anybody when sober; but he had a great weakness for beer, therefore
people were always making him drunk, and when in his cups he was
anything but a jolly dog, being apt to give way to fits of morose
melancholia, varied with paroxysms of ungovernable rage. Yet, in his
worst moment-, the bosky animal was infinitely superior to-many men,
as he never attacked a female of his own species. The magistrates
cautioned the man to keep a more careful watch overhis bibulous bow-
wow, and suggested that it might be well to sell him to a teetotal
stump orator.

The Wit and Wisdom of Octavius Ebenezer Potts,
Esquire.
HIS FiLOSOFY.-ACORNS.
ONE half of the deceptions of modern dais air pleazing wunz.
Thare are those of the community who, having nothing better tew
do, pass their time making nobuddys sumbuddys.
In the medieval ages we fort for honor, now we fite for existence.
That which kawses us to reflekt reforms us, that cawsing us sorrow
chastens us.
He who haz most wants most; a kure for covetousness iz tew reflekt
that the ritch man haz trubbles that the poor man never dreamed of;
try and magnify those trubb!es. If inklined tew be envious, try and
find a dcfisbency in every pretty woman, and look hard for the infer-
mity of every powerful man.
The man who lives to prove that blak is white had best begin to do
so at a very early age.

Notice
MR. FUN would like to call attention to the fact that a brother-bard,
Mr. Gerald Massey, to wit, is about to give, at St. George's Hall, a
series of Literary and Evolutionary Lectures, every Tuesday and
Friday evening, from August 31 to October I, both inc. [This "inc."
means inclusive "-so, please let the inc-stand]. Mr. Massey is well-
known as a thinker of powerful, not to say Massey-ve, intellect. There-
fore much interest and information are sure to be found in his latest
Massey-laneous lectures-if we may be allowed the expression.

HERBERT BARRAUD, the photographer, has just produced a most
beautiful cabinet picture of Miss Ellen Terry standing by an old English
clock, and dressed in a loose frock of a charming style peculiar to
herself. And yet another equally good, though of a very different
character-" Three Little Maids from School," frivolling round about
a Japanese screen.

THOSE HORRID BOATMEN AGAIN.
First Horrid Boaltan.-"FINE DAY FOR A SAIL, SIR. WOULD YOU LIKE A NICE BOAT?"
Master Swaggerwell-" THANKS, NO! I HAVE PLENTY OF YACHTING WHEN I CARE FOR IT."
Finrt H. B. (persisting),.-" WELL, WOULD YOU LIKE A NICE Row? CAPITAL ART'NOON FOR A Row, SIR! YOU CAN HAVE 31Y
BOAT FOR A SHILLIN' AN HOUR !"
AMaster S.-" I DON'T WANT YOUR CONFOUNDED BOAT. I,WANT TO SMOKE MY CIGAR IN PEACE, IF YOU'LL PLEASE TAKE YOUR-
SELF OFF."
SecondH. B.--"DOAN'T 'EE HEAR WHAT THE YOUNG GEN'L'M'N SAY, BILL? 'EE DON'T WANT A SAIL NOR A Row. HE WANT
TO SMOKE HIS CIGAR; THAT'LL MAKE HIM JEST AS BAD. LOR AND BE TENPENCE CHEAPER."

Teaching the Old Idea to Shoot.
(SEE CARTOON.)
HAST ever visited the moors,
Dear Reader, in the shooting season,
When taking thine Autumnal tour?
If so, perhaps thou mayst have reason
To know that sundry kinds of shots
Go banging in those breezy spots.
Didst ever see a grand old hand,
Who, while the beaters worked together,
Showed o'er his weapon great command
By dropping birds among the heather
With an unerring, deadly aim
That killed-though kept alive the game ?
Wast ever to a novice near,
Who wasn't an adept at gunning,

Whose close proximity 'twas clear
It would be safer to be shunning;
And who, unskilled to bring birds down,
Just wildly blazed into "the brown"?
Dost comprehend the difference
Betwixt those twain that I'm imputing?
Dost own to an experience
Anent the sundry kinds of shooting?
Apply it to St. Stephen's House:
Members are sportsmen, measures grouse.

PRICE, ONE S ILLING; Post-free, 1s. 2d.
THE RIVER OF LIFE,
By JOHN LATEY, JuN.
"'Tis a well-contrived story, with incident rife. By
John Latey, Junior-' The River of Life.' -Punch.
"The story is full of interesting scenes admirably
told."-Illustrated London News.
"The changes are skilfully rung on love, revenge,
and sensation."-Morning Post.
"' The River' is just the kind for a Bookseller's Row,
and the publishers will get a good sail.' It is a river
in which everyone who wishes for a pleasant hour should
take a dip."-" Dagonet," in the Referee.
"An exciting tale, in which animated descriptions of
dramatic and sporting scenes are interwoven with
ingenious plot."-Daily News.
"A thrilling little story, by the author of 'Love
Clouds.' "-Truth.
153 FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C.

"Iadopt
a sys-
tern of
venti lation
It // by
redees which all
a low tvP -- "/.
of features From
contempt.41
It ,s a
rmove use Fui--
"-- '-- remoe deposilt.ory
Yours, i For odd
A, Traveller. parce Is

it has saved
My life on Many ." ..
~o I hav
0o I~Frequentn our-of anee the chney-ot
"the man, who invents a mrnore rational I For one mluch less d;sfiguring
headgear will confer a %oon on soclet ib erfect '
THE GREAT POT-HAT QUESTION.

VOL, XLIV.--NO. III2.

88 3U NJ SEPTEMBER I, 1886.

SLASHES AND PUFFS.
THE GRAND.-Only last week I had to tell you of a new drama at
this well-appointed northern house, and now, lo and behold you here

THE GRAND.-WITH THE COLOURS.

I am again to tell you of another new play produced threat. Last
week's play was strange, but this is stranger. In point of fact, if it
were to be a stranger to the stage for evermore, I don't think the stage
would grieve much. It is called With the Colours; or, the Black Seal,
and is described by its authors-I was going to say "nailers up "-as
"a new and original drama in five acts." The "five acts" part of this
description is accurate enough, but the other part is open to question;
for in this play I discovered large doses of In the Ranks, and smaller
dittoes of The Queen's Shilling, Drink, Queen's Evidence, The Green
.ancs of England, Black Eyed Susan (with military instead of naval
dresses), and bits of other melodramas too numerous to mention. The
chief characters in this curious compound consist of a young soldier
hero, whose duties seem to be confined to deserting whenever he sees a
chance, and striking a general (who, owing to a secret letter, stamped
with a Black Seal, is found to be the hero's father); an inquisitive
heroine, who gets herself and her lover into all sorts of fixes; a villain
of the deepest dye-especially about his hair, which is red, and (of
course) a "lost woman," who has been betrayed by the villain; also a
real baby in long clothes, belonging to the lost woman. Among other
incidents, the lost woman and the baby are thrown into a mill pond.
The rest of the incidents don't matter much, except, perhaps, to the
aforesaid authors, whose names (which I append for purposes of future
reference) are Messrs. Elliot Galer, and James Mew. The piece is
certainly a-Mews-ing, especially in the parts intended to be tear-com-
pelling.

THE EMPIRE.-The gorgeous, but not too-gloriously successful,
Palace of Pearl has been removed from the boards of this magnificent
house, and, in its place, a "Grand Variety, Operatic, and Chore-

THE EMIPIRE.-LUNA 'UN FAY LA PICE.
graphic Entertainment," was offered a few evenings ago. The offering
was warmly received, but not in the sense in which the management

(and yours truly) could wish. This was chiefly the fault of the manage-
ment (which his name is D. Nicols), for some of the singers had been
ill-chosen, and the one piece of the evening, an adaptation of Adolph
Adam's comic opera Le Postilon de Lonjumeau (here called The Maiden
Wife) was so badly rehearsed, that even those artists who were of the
experienced order, had great difficulty to make headway, while one or
two nervous and inexperienced singers (whose names I charitably sup-
press fro ten.) met with derision. As The Maiden Wife and the
general entertainment are now being revised and re-rehearsed, I shall
reserve full criticism until another occasion. All I shall say at present
is, that, properly managed, a show of the kind provided at the Empire
ought to succeed, and that I wish the directorate better luck.

NODS AND WINKs.-At Christmas-which has not yet arrived,
though-Miss Kate Santley will re-open her theatre, the Royalty, with
an Indian comic opera Vetah; that is, if nobody puts his vetah on it.
Previously, however, Miss S. takes it on tour; she started on Monday,
in fact. There is a harem scene (no harem in it, of course), with "a
dream of fair women" in it, and the dresses are described as something
wonderful; so wonderful that they talk of making an exhibition of them
in the foyer of the different theatres.-A "grand masquerade fancy
dress ball" was got through at the North Woolwich Gardens last
Wednesday; they started to dance at 4 p.m., and went on to 2.30 a.m.
That was a long dance.-The I8th inst. is the latest reported date for
the appearance of Dorothy at the Gaiety. My great weakness, Miss
Marion Hood, will impersonate the heroine. Miss Jennie McNulty
will remain from the Dixey combination; and what with Mr. Coffin, a
new tenor who comes with a recommendation for "sweetness," and
(probably) Mr. Arthur Williams for the chief comic business, the piece

ARRAYY SAYS THERE'S TO BE A FANCY BALL AND GREAT FEET AT NORTH
WOOLWICH.

ought to do well.-Mdlle. Zallio (who dares to suggest "Sally as the
origin of the name ?) a new dancer from New York and Turin, is now
appearing as Hebe in Cupid at the Alhambra. All the fellerss are
intoxicated with delight-quite in-Hebe-rated, in fact-at her advent.-
Mr. Wilson Barrett is doing a short, but triumphant, tour through the
provinces. At Hull he was lionised during the Hull time of his visit; at
Sheffield they promise never to forget him until they have Sheffield
off this mortal coil," and at Manchester, where he is this week, he
Manches-ter make an equally good impression.-Miss Nelly Farren and
Mr. Fred Leslie will go to America next year, with the Gaiety Com-
pany, which is bully for Brother Jonathan.-All is not plain sailing, they
say, with La Blarnaise, at the Prince's, but no doubt it will come up
smiling in the end.-Somebody said Messrs. G. R. Sims and H.
Herman were collaborating in a new play for the Adelphi; but that
"ain't so." Let's hope it was.-A band on horse-back is to be the
next novelty at the "Proms." Any on-horsed attempt to please the
public deserves encouragement, and I trust Mr. Thomas will not have
to a-band-on his intention for want of it.-Our Empire has left the
Albert Palace. It is now Our Empire in the East, having gone to the
Paragon Music Hall, in the Mile End Road.-Mr. Harry Payne will have
a companion clown at Drury Lane this year-Mr. Paul Martinetti to wit,
who will not speak a word, however, leaving all the "patter" to his
consort.-Mr. Charles Wyndham is getting the better of his rather
serious attack of illness, although he is not quite fit yet. Here's wish-
ing him right again.-The scenery and dresses of Mrs. Conover's revival
ofMacbeth at the Olympic are very fine. I hope to be very-fine the
statement ere long.-The character of Rufus Marrable in Bachelors at
the Opera Comique is now played by Mr. Felix Morris, which will make
it morrispecially funny.. NESTOR,

-- -

SEPTEMBER I, 1886. 3'lTJi. 89

Awfully Shy.
[Mr. Gladstone, in the House the other night, twitting Lord Randolph
and his fellow Tories with delaying the discussion of a measure for
Ireland, said they seemed to fight shy of it."]
THE G.O.M. fixed with his glittering eye,
Leader Randy and all that youth's followers;
And, then, in a jiffy, prepared to show why
He thought of their words they were swallowers.
On the great Irish Question they'd fretted and fumed,
Till, it seems, they anon will "make pie" of it.
Ay, as to that question, as Gladstone assumed,
The Tories would like to "fight shy of it."
Notwithstanding the muddle the G.O.M. made,
These Tories aren't likely to better him;
And he'll yet show the "grip" he has always displayed,
In spite of all efforts to fetter him.
Yea, no doubt up his sleeve he is keeping a scheme
'Which may serve-'spite what some may decry of it,-
And will stagger the Tories, who certainly seem,
(As the G.O.M. said) to fight shy of it."
For 'tis evident those who just now hold the sway,
With this question can't grapple successfully.
And so, you may guess, not far off is the day
When the Tories will exit distressfully.
Keep your eye, then, on Gladstone, and soon he'll disclose
That he knows the "wherefore and why" of it.
Though he went to extremes and once failed, don't suppose
That Gladstone's the man to "fight shy of it."

A Dark Ending.
HE'D lived for more than sixty years
Respectably, they say,
And then his friends remark'd, with tears,
He took to being gay."
Then later symptoms they described
Which drove them to despair;
And, last of all, they learned he dyed-
That is to say, his hair.

WHILST on the subject of Federation, is it right that the
Colonies should be prepared to pay for their own defences?
Of course. What is otherwise the meaning of "Advance,
Australia" ?

A SOCIETY YOUNG LADY.
Parson.-" WELL, MARY JANE, DID YOU GO AFTER THE PLACE WE
TOLD YOU OF?" Mary yane.-"YESSIR ; BUT IT DON'T SUIT ME."
Parson.-"No? How Is THAT?"
Mary Jane.--''WELL, SIR, I MUST 'AVE SASSIETY, AND THE ON'Y
GENTLEMAN THERE'S A PAGE BOY !"

SONGS OF THE WATERING-
PLACES.
No. VI.-CLOVELLY.
WHEN autumn days are all aglow,
And limbs feel limp as jelly,
If there's a place where I'd not go
For coolness, 'tis Clovelly;
Its up-hill street
Is "quite too sweet,"
But cool is not Clovelly.
When faint, I would not make my thews
And sinews any fainter;
I might, of course, have other views
Were I a landscape-painter ;
An E. M. Cooke,
Or J. C. Hook-
A well-paid landscape painter.
I know its latitude is not
The same as that of Delhi;
But if the Indian city's hot,
So, likewise, is Clovelly;
And one may roast
On Devon's coast,
Though northward lies Clovelly.
But when fresh winds blow off the sea,
And white clouds float above you,
Clovelly, you may reckon me
Of those who truly love you;
For your rough grace
And old-world face-
Yes, very truly love you.

Then I would sing, had I the voice
Of Patti or Trebelli,
Your praises in canzoni choice,
O picturesque Clovelly;
Your simple ways
And changeless days
I'd sing, O "sweet Clovelly !"
Your" changeless days?"-I fear I'm wrong-
I fancy change has found you,
Although it may have left you long
Unsought, like things around you;
You're not now slow,
I'm sure you know,
As things remain around you.
Indeed, your native from his birth
Might have been taught, so well he
Now knows the utmost market worth
Of ozone at Clovelly:
/Esthetes now pay
Who go to stay
At patronised Clovelly.

This is (S)trop-ical.
THERE'S a wonderful Razor Strop that will e'er
Make razors quite keen and bright;
And then they're acknowledged everywhere
As raisers of delight.
So whenever to shave at home you stop,
As a great many "shavers" do,
The Eclipse Spring-Draw-out Razor Strop"
Should ever be sha(ve)-vous.

The Wit and Wisdom of Ootavius
Ebenezer Potts, Esquire.
HIZ FILOSOPHY--SMAWL TREWTHS.
THE kredit ov having invented skamped
wurk must rest for ever with man-Nature
klaims no part ov it. Nothing iz perfekt in
this wurld except work az it leeves Nature's
workshop.
He dines with the king who eets that which
he haz cum by honestly.
The poorest objekt may give berth tew the
ritchest thort. Owt ov nothing the world waz
maid.
When I hev suspeshens about mi fellow-
travellers in the train or the 'bus, I keep my
eye on their hands.
After awl sed and dun, penz and pensils are
impotent things. Yew kannot describe the
fase of a woman, nor draw the variety of her
expressions on her features.
Burn yew midnite oil if yew must, and enjoy
the blessed sunlite while yet you mai.
The time that iz lost in lamenting lost oppor-
tunities shood be put tew the making ov fresh
endeavours.
The man who works deserves owr admira
shun: the woman who earns her living shood
kommand owr adorashun.
Every fashen dekrees the discomfort ov wo-
man and the inconvenience ov man.
I dew not like whissling women or smiling
men.

I

THE VESTRYMAN AGAIN.-HIS LAST CRUTCH.
[" At the Croydon Petty Sessions, one of the magistrates said that before the dog regulations wandering ddgs used to eat up offal in the streets, but now smells arose
from the decaying matter, and evil would, of course, result."--Newsfapers I
W_- lwraiMM IIUu ---;-: S. I am ,. ruifi"Sll,.-. nh_ __.?a q a

"The truth is," said the poor Vestryman, "there's a regular conspiracy agen me by them as wants the moonicipality. It's continually 'appenin' that one or other
o' them crossin'-sweepers-deputies as I depends on to do my work for me-is a-givmg up bisness on account o' the Depression. 'Wonder if they'll expeck me to make
the roads passable now?' ses I."

SI-i flaiiN fbi.,i *Si I i 1

"And now if they hain't muzzled the dogs-the only props, almost, I have left me I What should I see t'other day but a bone on the pavement. S'pose they'll want
me to clear up that ses I, setting' down in despair."

The rest is too painful: let us hope we dreamt it. We fancied that the Police Authorities, filled with alarm and pity, hastened to take off the muzzles; but that it was
too late, for the unfortunate Vestryman was irreclaimably buried beneath a pyramid of unscavengered bones, heads of fowls, and over-run kittens.

BUYING GOODS AND BADS.-ALL ABROAD.
MORE LETTERS!
(TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN.")
SIR,-The reason why foreign articles are preferred by the consumer
to English is clear enough. It is because all articles of home produc-
tion are bad, with the
single exception of Jews'
SVVV harps. I am a manufac-
turer of Jews' harps. No
/ s foreign Jews' harps can
approach English ones-
that is, mine--in excellence.
There is no objection to
the importation of anything
else; but our realm will
never regain its prosperity
until a prohibitive duty is
placed upon imported Jews'
harps. The absence of
this is the true secret of our
S present depression.
Yours, A. B.

DER DEAR SIR,-The reason
why the consumer pur-
chases foreign articles is
simply that they are always superior to home-made ones.
This is the case with everything except air-balls. I make air-balls,
and English-made air-balls are infinitely better than anything of the
kind produced abroad. By all means let us import everything else;
but so long as air-balls are imported, so long will the depression continue.
Yours, C, D.
*
DEAR SIR,-I have carefully read the letters from A. B. and C. D.
in your valuable paper. Every word in them clearly proves that neither
of them knows an atom about the subject. I alone know all about it.
Give me the sole right of importing goods into this country, and the
commercial prosperity of the native land to which we are all so devoted,
and in whose interests we would all gladly sacrifice everything, will be
secured: or, if that does not quite happen, at any rate my commercial
prosperity will be secured, which, perhaps, is a matter of still greater
moment.
Yours, E. F.

SmR,-That man's letter to the D. T. about the deplorability of Eng-
lish commercial travellers not being able to speak any language but
their own is all twaddle. I am an English commercial traveller, and I
am proud and thankful to say that I don't know a word of any of their
outlandish gibberishes; nay, I am fully persuaded that the knowledge
of them would constitute a serious obstacle to my success. "How do
I get on?" you ask. Why, sir, I bounce 'em. I open my samples: I
shout at the shopkeepers in broad English; if they don't understand I
shout louder, and bring my fist down on the counter. Then the fellow
turns pale, and gives me an order. I wouldn't learn a word of any of
their confounded patter for a fortune.
Yours, G. H.
P.S.-I reopen this letter to say, pray send assistance. I am stranded
at an outlandish continental railway station, where the fools can't speak
a word of English. I have been here three weeks, and can't get away.
I was on my way to take an immense order from a large foreign firm.
Several days ago a brother English com-
mercial traveller, who does speak their
foreign jargon, happened to pass through
here. "Hullo!" he said; "stranded
here? What a pity you can't speak
Doubledutch !" Then he basely left me,
and went straight off and secured the
very identical immense order I ought to
have had. There ought to be a law
against English commercial travellers
speaking foreign jargons.

SIR,-In this discussion as to British
and foreign goods, the system pursued
by many British middlemen of defrauding
the public by pawning off foreign goods
as of home manufacture is most justly
condemned. Sir, such a system is a dis-
grace to our country, and says little, in-
deed, for our commercial morality I am in a large way of business, and
lately had taken the entire stock of a certain worthless article made by
a German firm, and marked "British made." Several of my retail

customers, seeing them, remarked, "Why, these will just suit our cus
tomers; send us a thousand gross of them." Sir I replied to each
of them, "am I to understand that you propose that I should abet you
in defrauding the public ? Take your base money away, and begone !
I have already contracted to supply the Government with first-class
British-made articles of this description; and this consignment is in-
tended for them." If all British merchants were as scrupulously patriotic
as I am, believe me, Sir, the British name would once more emerge
from the ignominy under which it has lately languished.
I am, yours, I. J.

Moor's the Pity I
THERE seem to be a lot of Moors unlet-
Untraversed by a gilliee or a terrier.
This statement will fill many with regret-
'Tis not an instance where the Moor's the Merrier.

A Self (F)raser.
MR. HUGH FRASER, of Trinity Hall, Cambridge, and of the Inner
Temple, has been appointed Lecturer in Common (but not Garden)
Law to the Liverpool Board of Legal Studies. A lecturer should
always be a good phraser. Doubtless Mr. Hugh is a Fraser of that
sort.

THIEVES FALLING OUT!
WILL THEY DIVIDE THE SPOIL, OR FIGHT? WHERE ARE THE
POLICE?

New Leaves.
"HEALTH Lectures" (John Heywood). These lectures, recently
delivered in Manchester by several eminent men, are professedly
for the people, and much may be learned from them on subjects
"the people" think a good deal about, and ought to know more.-
"Photo-Micrography," by I. H. Jennings (Piper and Carter). Full
details are here given how to photo microscopic objects. The author
evidently understands how to enlarge upon small things.-" London in
1886," by Herbert Foy (W. H. Allen and Co.) London in '86 is as it
has been in former years-of increasing size and importance, and of
more abiding interest in the eyes of all beholders.-" Webster's Con-
densed Dictionary," edited by Dorsey Gardner (George Routledge and
Sons). We may perhaps fitly describe this important volume, with its
1,500 or more excellent illustrations, as one of the most complete books
in the "English language."-" A Modern Orson," and other tales, by
Carleon (Wyman and Sons). This is a collection of very cleverly
written short stories, of which "Twice Victorious" is, maybe, the best.

A DARING awful reptile has been spotted by some adventurous
tourists near Yellowstone Lake. When running through long grass it
carried its head about fifteen feet above the ground, and made a terrible
hissing sound as it puffed into the face of the conductor of the tour, who
daringly confronted it. The monster's breath has blunted the edge of
the enterprising gentleman's nasal organ, and, it is feared, permanently
injured its value as a smeller. This extraordinary creature lives in the
cave of an extinct geyser. The travellers who have discovered the
horrible creature have christened it the Deleriumtremensiosa, in raw
rye whisky.

SEPTEMBER I, I886. UN 93

"Under Control!"
(SEE CARTOON.) l

WHEN a row has come about,
One is anxious to find out
Clearly at whose door doth lie
The responsibility.
Then, if mischief has been done,
Maybe Bobby Number One,
From the trouble to keep clear,
Says he cannot interfere.
Likewise Bobby Number Two
Says that he has naught to do
With the shindy grave and grim,
Since it's naught to do with him.
Thus of poor Bulgari-ay
Sundry tall Policemen say
They can't heed its king's defeat,
As it isn't on their beat.
But one hopes to see that row
Settled pretty soon somehow
For it's-shirk it as they choose-
Someone's business: query,
whose ?

Hibernian Generosity.
[" I offer you a farewell tribute in the
shape of a five-act comedy."-From
the Author to the Public.]
THE ways were always strange,
we know,
Of Mr. Dion Boucicault;
And now, as latest Irishman,
This is his little generous plan:
The "tribute" of his last new
play
He'll make to us-for liberal pay.

THE French Post Office
authorities intend to adopt a
patent tricycle which can be used
by "weak and crippled post-
men." By this arrangement
wooden-legged and gouty Gallic
letter-carriers will soon be able
to deliver the missives in their
charge within a day or two of
the time they are due. Whereat
energetic Englishmen and go-
ahead Yankees located in France
will rejoice.

CONUNDRUM.-Why is a lady
in a haberdasher's shop, who is
squabbling with the shopman
over the design of a pocket-hand-
kerchief, like a war between
England and Scotland ?-Because
it is a quarrel over the border."

THE CONFIDENCE TRICK.
Randy.-"ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO, MR. BULL, IS TO HAVE CONFIDENCE IN ME.
THE CASH, AND ASK NO QUESTIONS."

Two Acts from the Life Drama of Penelope
Poltwattle.
ACT I.
SCENE-Ludgate Station. TIMEi-I2.I4P.m. (The last train for
Dulwich should start at 12.12.)
Dram. Pe-s. Mrs. Penelope Poltwattle, who, having been to a theatre,
is in a hurry, and a first-class carriage. She soliloquiseth :-" What a
shame it is this train is not punctual; it ought to have started nearly
three minutes ago I've a good mind to write to the company. It's
absurd to talk of waiting for people, as it's the last train People
who can't get here by this time ought to take a cab," &c., &c.
[The Act is ended by the train gliding out of the station.

ACT II.
(One Week is supposed to have elapsed.)

TIP US

SCENE-- The Stairs leading to the Platform of Ludgate Station. TIME-
12.15 p.m. (The last train for Dulwich is slowly moving out of
station.)
Dram. Pers. Mrs. Penelope Poltwattle, who, having been to a theatre,
is in a hurry-and on the stairs shut from platform by a gate. She
soliloquiseth:-" What a shame it is to start so exact to time I They
might wait a minute or two as it is the last train, I'ml sure I I shall
write to the company. It is very hard on people who cannot get here
to the minute to have to take a cab, and waste the return half of the
ticket," &c., &c.
[Exit, grumbling, down stairs. Alarms. Excursions. Cab
home. Differences of opinion between cabman and Peter P. (at
Dulwich) as to fares. Curtain lectures-and-Curtain (without
the lectures).

THE HEIGHT OF ETIQUETTE.-To go into mourning when one's
club subscription has expired.

Alll E:

~--- -- 7

94 3FU N SEPTEMBER I, 1886.

A LITTLE SPA-ING.
SECOND DOSE.
HAT is the deafening din that rever-
berates through space at 8.30 a.m.
next morning? That rattles and
roars through brain and nerves,
0 stopping all conversation, filling
the universe with agonised sound,
and inducing remorseful memory
P of every deadly sin one has com-
mitted since birth? 'Tis but George,
the waiter, performing his morning
solo on the gong that summons all
to Second Class breakfast.
Very convenient," says the South
African, "being divided into
classes; the Second Class bell
makes a capital dressing-bell for
we swells in the First Class."
"They seem to have all the fun in
I TO the Second Class," remarked the
S- Sober Boy. "Yes, and all the
loud laughs and slaps in the back,"
S~s_ aid Sisters. That's Sisters' way,
they always make that sort of
remark. "But just suppose you're 'mashed' on a girl in the Second,"
continued the Sober Boy, evidently still thinking of "the Flower,"
" look at the nuisance. If you get up early for a stroll, she's got to go
to breakfast, and, when she's done, you've got to go to yours, and
when you've done she's off with
someone else." "You'd better go pRA '-
Second Class, I think," said Lina, Roc "
disdainfully. The Sober Boygave "
her "a look," and went to the bar
and asked Maggie for a glass of
water luckily she only keeps
whisky.
When we want to know who
anybody is, we always ask Sisters,
because it's ten to one that the
biographical old lady (whom we
christen Apochrypha) has told ./
them. As days go on, we begin to /
perceive that everybody here has
passed through a pre-nuptial exis-
tence differing widely from their //r-
present condition. One young lady
was the daughter of a street-
preacher before she married a coal-
owner, but now she's Yorkshire.
Another was an invalid, but since
her marriage she's become Metho-
dist. Sometimes the nuptial
relation is not immediately personal, as in the case of the lady who was
Irish until her uncle married his cook, when she took to hospital nursing.
Some of the people are not married, of course; but most of these,
except the babies, old men and women, and the invalids, seem as if

-.. .' -

... "_S16TERS& OUR LI INA:
r, o0 IN FOR BOWI. ,

they would not mind if they were, and as if it shan't be their fault if
they are not.
They say there's a marriage made here every year," said Lina, one

afternoon. The South African turned pale, fled to the lonely silence of
the library, and spent the rest of the day trying to find a novel without
the first or third volume missing.
The Sober Boy was getting nearly mad with babies yelling and boys
playing hare and hounds through the passages, and when he saw the
bill of a penny readings in the village, he grew delirious with joy,
because it bore the legend, "Infants in arms not admitted." He was
there long before the doors opened. So our Lina and Sisters had to
amuse themselves that afternoon and evening.

THE CLANG OF THE CLOCK TOWER.
MONDAY, August 23rd.-The magic letters "M.P." have gained a
new significance, standing now for Martyrs of Parliament. Time is on
the wing, so are the
grouse; yet our sena-
tors are sitting through
weary debates in
dreary Westminster,
while their hearts are
as sick for the Moor
as was Desdemona's.
Who but the birds are
grateful for autumn
sessions ?
eMr. W. H. Smith
invites Colonel Hope
to communicate his
grave charges against
the Ordnance Depart-
ment, the which, if
true, show a state of
things the reverse of
Hope-ful.
With Achilles sulk-
ing, and a mutiny
against Agamemnon,
Labby catches the
skirtsofhappy chance,
evidently intent on
bespeaking the mantle
of Elijah when done
with. Hits out -hard
all round, particularly
at "our old nobility,"
and that oldest sprig
thereof that hitherto has been regarded as of the genus nouveaux riches
-the blue-blooded house of De Bresci. Sir Michael Hicks-Beach,
apparently content with his position as second fiddle, in the absence of
the maestro declares the Irish policy of the Government. His plans for
encouragement and development of Irish industries awaken ironical
laughter from that partyh" which regards a contented and prosperous
Ireland as a consummation devoutly not to be wished; but Sir Michael
concludes with a reminder that the Government, so far from withdraw-
ing from Erin John Bull, are sending Buller. Hartington turns like
Landseer's bloodhound, Dignity, to reprove the impudence of the North-
ampton terrier. Morley poses as Cassandra, with about as much effect
as the Trojan prophetess-FUN hopes with less ground for his warnings.
Tuesday.-Fergusson informs Bryce that Government as much con-
cerned as Tom Jones about interruption of communication with Sofia.
Parnell speaks at last. Sum total, war to the knife. Intimates that
though Government work as hard on Irish drainage as Hercules in the
Augean stables, their labours will be by no means sewer of success. As
to Irish landlords, desires these left to be dealt with by Irish tenantry.
The man of few words is a little later followed by the man of many,
who, pleading for plenary indulgence, sets to work to back up the man
whom he once imprisoned as a rebel. Who has changed? Not the
man The irrepressible Tanner, endeavouring to upset Russell No. 3,
the Speaker objects to the sound of that Tanner.
Wednesday.-The Bart. of the partyhy" Sir T. Esmonde, takes up
the cudgels as vigorously for his Charles Stewart as Thackeray's Esmond
did for his.
Harcourt draws the Chancellor of the Exchequer on Commission. A
fancy picture.
Thursday.-Parnell-Gladstonians essay new tactics-bullying Buller.
H. J. Wilson makes maiden speech on same lines. If this is a sample
of Mr. Wilson's speeches as regards taste and discretion, FUN hopes his
first will be his last. Chamberlain continues the debate. Parnellites
begin to squirm, finding that, after all, we have men on both sides pre-
pared to sacrifice place and power, and stand firm in the cause of British
Union against Parnellites, Gladstonians, American Irish, Invincibles,
et hoc genus omne.
Friday.-Division-Parnell beaten.

_ _~1__1

SEPTEMBER I, I886. F U N. 95

KNICKNACKS.
A FUNNY little man, who labours under delusions that he is per-
petually receiving threatening letters with a coffin marked on them, and
that crowds follow him, shouting,
"There he is now; we'll do away
with him !" had other hallucina-
tions a few nights back. He stated
rather loudly in a public thorough-
fare that he was the Queen's step-
father, O'Donovan Rossa, who had
just returned from growing cucum-
bers at the North Pole, where he
had run away to, when a mere
child, for fear of being vaccinated.
He also informed a delighted
audience that he was merely pass-
ing through London on his way
to see his stepson, the Shah of
Persia, to whom he was taking,
as a peace-offering, ten tons of
condensed aurora borealis in tins.
He was proceeding to give the
S details of a serious quarrel he and
his stepson had had concerning a
certain fashionable beauty, when
a policeman incontinently locked him up. Next morning the funny
little man was fined 5s. and advised to take the pledge. He paid the
penalty, and left the court wishing the magistrate a happy new Christmas.

THE enormous plaster group of allegorical figures is being removed
from the top of the Arc de Triomphe. It is proposed that a gigantic
equestrian statue of General Boulanger be cast in brass, to occupy the
space, with bronze effigies of Ananias and Judas bowing down before
the warrior on one side, and a steel serpent and a copper hyena gazing
up admiringly at him on the other.

AN epidemic of typhoid is raging among the famous old carp in the
ponds of Fontainebleau, and they are pegging out by the dozen. These
carp'are supposed to be the selfsame fish that Napoleon I. tickled and
threw egg and bread crumbs to, and Louis XVIII. pensively whistled
and sang to. The selfsame carp that Savary, Napoleon's confidant,
said ought to be caught, cooked, and served up with rich gravy, made
of beef and mutton, seasoned with pepper, salt, mace and onions, and
garnished with lemons, scraped horseradish, and fried oysters. Accord-
ing to Bourriene, when Savary ventured on this savoury opinion,
Napoleon, with his usual hasty astuteness, boxed his favourite on the
ears, and remarked that, apart from the veneration the fish ought to be
regarded with, they were far too old for edible purposes. Napoleon
then, with his usual commanding power, impressed on the company
present that he would not allow any wasteful expenditure of beef,
mutton, pepper, salt, mace, onions and oysters in the Imperial kitchen
to dress up a species of fish that had the flavour of graveyard mould.

A SOLDIER, on foreign service, recently wrote the following terse,
but pithy, epistle to his wife :-" Dear Mary,-I haint hered from you
fur so long, that I hev forgot I was married; and to tell the gospels
truth, I hev forgot you, and got married meself to a Eguptian woman.
Trustin' this won't make no different in our relashunship when I comes
back,-I ham your affekshunate husband J- W--."

A VETERINARY surgeon, who happened to be a member of the
School Board, examined a class the other day. The professional man
gave the scholars a competitive essay to write. Subject-"The
Horse;" Prize-"A 'tanner.'" The boy who won the sixpence
panned out as follows:--" The ors is the noblst of annimales ; he know
ow meny beanse mak five. Tho he never smok terbakker, he drink
beer sometimes, which show he hav sence. He also make good glue
and soup when biled down proper. His legs is four, and one is plast in
each korner. Wen he is stone ded his saddel and bridal is played on
the shelf. If you wants more inflamashun, rite it yerself." The head
master tanned the boy that took the tanner," after the examiner had
left.
A'UKAsE has been issued by General" Booth, ordering the warriors
of his army to abstain from eating, drinking, and smoking for a week, and
forward the sums thereby saved to him. Sound elm coffins will be sup-
plied for the remains of those soldiers who succumb under their fast from
saveloys, gingerbeer, and penny "sensations." The "General," we
believe, will confine himself to one ounce of bill-stickers' paste during
the week of self-denial. ,

A London Lyric.
(BY OUR COCKNEY CONTRIBUTOR.)
You may twaddle about the great briny,
And rave of the fine mountain breeze,
Grow maudlin about the sweet piney
Aroma of tall forest trees.
Pooh what do I care for the seaside,
Where nursemaids and white niggers roam ?
And as for your pines and your breeze, I'd
Prefer to find them nearer home.
No give me a lounge in the Parks, sir,
A stroll by the now quiet Row;
The Monument's my 7Tur St. Jacques, sir,
The Rhine ?-when the Thames doesn't flow.
The "continong" has no attractions
To equal my club's cosy charms;
Friend 'Arry and such "vulgar fractions"
May rush to mine host's open arms.
No conjugal voice ever hear I
Remark that "the kids" need a change;
While free as que dirai-je ?-a Peri,
I never in "furrin parts range.
My temper can never get ruffled
At sight of those big leetle bills;"
I toil not, in heavy wraps muffled,
Up slippery, snow-covered hills.
To scorch in hot Sandown's fierce summer,
Be caught in a stiff Yarmouth squall,
To know Fate has doomed each new-comer
In traps yclept lodgings to fall.
Let this be the lot of who chooses,
The web, tho', shall not catch this fly,
Who now humbly makes his excuses-
He's content with his loved London sky.

THE colony where most legal documents are executed-Seal-on.

SPORTING NOTE.
(BY ONE THAT KNOWS NOTHING AiOUT IT.)

"SWEEPI'S-AIKES."

@W To CORlrONDZA TS.-TJ 4Baitor asos not bind Ahmsel/ to acknowledge, return, or pay or Contributiow, i no canr will tihy bt returned unls.
accompanied ib a stamped and directed envrlote.

96 : T-UN. SEPTEMBER I, 1886.

OUT ON THE "FIRST."

The birds on an estate in the E.W.N.S. district are In other.parts, birds are very numerous. ''Not a bad day's soort, dear. Got two ounces of shot
few, and said to be very shy. This is attributed to the put in my arm down by the Spinney; three more in my
fact that a very large "party" shot over the ground. foot up at Giles's Farm. and wound up with a charge of
powder in my forehead. Shall I try my luck again to-morrow?"

Epigram.
[A correspondent to a ladies' paper asks where she.can
get the gloves used in Dorset for making batter with ?]
THAT butter's made of gloves this seems to
show,
And so adulteration's all the go;
It seems, to-day, the butter-makers band,
And use just whatsoevercomes to hand.
Politics.
DR. JOHNSON was certainly a prophet as well
as a lexicographer. Had he lived to-day he
would say, Most schemes of political improve-
ment are very laughable things "-the very
words he used, as Boswell tells us, on another
occasion.- Vide "Life," chap. xviii.

PRICE, ONE SHILLING; Post-free, Is. 2d.
SITOO P I W-,
By OHAbLES G. LELAND (" Hans Breitmann").
The tractate is made up of highly amusing anecdotes
and the narratives constitute something like a hundred
and seventy pages of very pleasant reading, and is in
every way a cheap shillingsworth of popular literature."
-Brighton Guardian.
An amusing collection of comic essays."-Yorkshire
Gazette.
"'The most amusing book of the season. The treat-
ment is deliciously original and humorous."-Aberdeen
Journal.
"Snoopers cannot do better than read, mark, learn,
and inwardly digest Mr. Leland's good-humoured chas-
tisements of their foibles."-Islington Gazette.
153 FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C.

PRICE, ONE SHILLING; Postfree, sl. 2d.
THE RIVER OF LIFE,
By JOHN LATEY, Jut.
"'Tis a well-contrived story, with incident rife. By
John Latey, Junior-' The River of Life.' "-Pnch.
"The story is full of interesting scenes admirably
told."--llustrated London News.
"' The River' is just the kind for a Bookseller's Row,
and the publishers will get a good 'sail.' It is a river
in which everyone who wishes for a pleasant hour should
take a dip."-" Dagonet," in the Referee.
"An exciting tale, in which animated descriptions of
dramatic and sporting scenes are interwoven with
ingenious plot."--Daily News.
A thrilling little story, by the author of 'Love
Clouds.' "-Truth.
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London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, September ist, 1886.