Tales from the front-line of a British mummy living in the American land of mommies...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

You've Got Mail

Opening up my email inbox today, I was excited to see 13 new messages. “Ohhh what gossip from friends?” I thought as I clicked on mousey.Nada. None. Nope. Not one. Nothing. Not ONE email was from a living, breathing friend. It was all junk mail landing with a big fat ‘splat!’ in my inbox.

How did these companies get my email address? Isn’t it enough that I’m plagued by advertising interrupting my TV shows every five minutes with their in-yer-face commercials? (Thank the lordy for DVR) My mailbox over-flows daily with flyers for this grocer and pamphlets for that car dealer and coupons for goodness knows what. (Tsk, think of the paper wastage advertisers!) I can’t even enjoy the radio in the car without some booming voice yelling at me to ‘buy’ 'buy’ 'buy'! (Plug in the ipod.)

And now this. Despite me setting my junk mail filters, somehow these advertisers have broken in and are ready to pounce. These guys either have mummy-cams set up in my home and think they know me well, or they randomly hacked into my life anyway. Whatever, I’ve got some stuff to say back to my intruders….

· From: Tri SlimSubject: Lose up to 30 pounds in 30 days Have you been spying on me and my late night snacking?

· From: Acai CleanseSubject: Oprah’s Superfood of the year Ever since the James Frey book debacle, like I’m going to ever trust what Oprah rates! · From: Tesco.comSubject: Spend Less with New Discount brand Products Will you deliver to the USA? Didn’t think so.

· From: High SuccessSubject: Quit your boring job and become a google millionaire! Don’t think HD and boys would accept my resignation if I tried to quit. And it’s not boring. Well, not much. Though the housework part, I’d happily swap for googling any day.

· From: Michael VincentSubject: I found you a new job Err, stop stalking me Michael. You infiltrate my inbox every day. Get a new job yourself!

· From: Finally HereSubject: Better for weight loss than any other anti-oxidant! How the French eat lots of fat, but stay skinny and live longer than anyone! Finally here? Like I’ve been waiting for this email ALL MY LIFE! Based on what research is this statement about the French true I ask? Maybe blogger friends, Petite Anglaise and Tarte Tartan can shed some light on this for me?

· From: HealthcareBilling Subject: A brighter future starts with a Medical Billing Degree!Excuse me? Are you seriously implying you have to get a DEGREE to send out bills for doctor visits??? Is this an April fool?

· From: Saks Fifth AvenueSubject: Louboutin: More Fall Styles Oh sigh. In another life, with another budget, I’d love to be sashaying about in my new fall Louboutins. Sorry Saks, think you’ll find you have more success targeting this customer with Uggs.

· From: Quality Kitchen RemodelingSubject: Transform Your Kitchen with Sears Ok, so this one caught me eye, as we are planning a new kitchen. But, right now, my kitchen would be transformed with a mop, bucket and some bleach. Oh and a spare pair of hands to pick up all the cheerios and rice krispies that have become embedded between the tiles.

· From: Janie and Jack Subject: Up to 50% off! An autumn sale Not to be missed!Ahh, now I love this children’s clothes store. But even at 50% off, they’ll still have me paying $30 for a sweater. Email me again after payday…

· From: VistaBusi8nessCards Subject: 250 Full Color Business cardsHmm. Lack of actual business ownership is a problem here. Though I could get a card for my line of work. It might read, “SUPERMUM/MOM FOR HIRE” Available 24/7. Great rates! Specialises in: Thomas the Tank Engine, Cadbury’s, Greys Anatomy, GeoTrax, Fireman Sam, Jay Jay the Jet Plane, getting boys to aim in the bowl, wiping bottoms, chopping melon, cooking pasta, playing hide and seek and floor wrestling. (Note: the last one I charge extra for)

· From: First NationalSubject: Your spending power has been increased! Oh great. But, more importantly, what about my net worth?

27 comments:

yes, apparently every pharmacy in Canada is overly wrought about my ED problem and are eager to help.

One favorite trick I like to do with credit card offers in the mail is collect them all up, then take the visa ones and send them to master card and the master card to american express and the american express to visa. then i picture the look on the people's faces at the processing centers when they open the envelope.

Yes Petite that is what my sister (also Paris resident) says as well. French girls are so mean to each other and themselves about being thin thin thin so they survive on espresso and nonchalance alone.

I get loads and loads of spam mail from young eastern European girls who "want to chat" with me. I am very, very popular in Poland.

Does anyone ever get the ones supposedly from Africa where they want your bank details because you've been CAREFULLY selected to hold their 10 million dollars? I love those. It's like, why yes, thank you very much please wire that money here. As if.

oohh Saks in your in box is better than sex in your in box! (Talking of which Mr Saks...still waiting for the bloody heel tips!) As for Tri Slim... did they see you reading the muffin post and mentioning your gateaux gut?!? (and I bet its not BTW!)And Tesco could have delivered to you! I know someone who used to deliver for them who so stupid he could have easily ended up taking a wrong turn to America!

Down in rural France we gorge ourselves on Duck and Pork. The secret is PORTION CONTROL. The French girls that I know who eat a 'healthy' meal have a bit of fat on them, those who only eat half of what they are given don't. Most of my 'skinny' friends smoke between courses too. However, I have heard that cooking with coconut oil helps you keep you slim. Bought some the other week, so will keep you posted. TTx

Ron, I do that with credit card bumf too! Wise minds and all that.Mom/Mum, that was brilliant. You're far more patient than me. The only thing in my head when those things pop up is DELETE DELETE DELETE DELETE!

About Me

Mother of two boys, wife of one, employed by all three and I didn't even have to have an interview.
I've survived five years in the American Dream and some of it's been lots of fun and some of it's almost had me on the first flight back to the UK. I still struggle with being a stay-at-home-mum/mom. What happened to that career I had?
I blog to share my parenting and expat experiences, but really it's my stress reliever to being a Brit out of water...