Foul mouthed tutorials: Lego men cookie edition

It has been a while, so I have had time to recover from the trauma of making these little fuckers.

True, they weren’t HARD but when you are making a fuck tonne (international measurement of lots) of these little bastards on a humid day with a 6ft toddler dancing around the kitchen screaming about GOD KNOWS WHAT it is all fucking Charlie Browns teacher to me now…

I forgot to take pictures of the dough making process, and quite frankly if you need pictures to follow a sugar cookie recipe then you have no fucking business making cookies.

Here it the recipe SANS PICTURES:

Note: if you don’t have a scale then you have no business baking AT ALL and go over to Pioneer Woman Cooks and drool at the pictures.

a good slurp (2 teaspoons?) pure vanilla extract (make sure it is the pure stuff it makes a HUGE difference)

1. In a large bowl chuck together the flour, salt and baking powder. Give it a good whisk or stir with a fork. Or be all fancy and sift it and then have to clean a sifter which is annoying as fuck.

2. using the patented MB2 softening method cream together the sugar and butter in your pretty red kitchenaid mixer until fluffy. If you don’t have a pretty red kitchenaid mixer lament how empty your life is and use whatever means available to you to mix that shit together.

3. Beat in the eggs and then the vanilla.

4. Keep the pretty red kitchenaid (or whatever you are using while lamenting the fact that clearly no one loves you enough to spring for a pretty red kitchenaid) running on low as you add the flour until it is combined.

5. Divide the dough in two, roll into a ball and flatten and then double wrap the dough in plastic wrap and put it in the fridge.

6. Forget about the dough for three days The dough can be refrigerated up to three days or frozen at this point.

7. After it has chilled for at least an hour, or three days while you wander around asking people ‘wasn’t I in the middle of doing something? Oooh look those curtains need washing’, remove that bad boy and fire up your oven to 180C/350F

8. Roll that shit out. I do it on gladbake/parchment paper to reduce the swear to roll ratio.

cut your fingernails before attempting something as complicated as this.

10. transfer the cutout shapes to a gladbake/parchment covered tray and put the tray in the freezer while you cut out the next lot.

11. remove from the freezer and put straight into the oven for 15 minutes.

12. continue the rolling cutting freezing baking shizzle FOR EVER until the dough runs out and you weep with joy and then remember that you have to roll out motherfucking FONDANT to cover those fuckers.

13. AS SOON as they come out of the oven RE CUT them with the cutter cause they have expanded a bit and then eat the remnants because OMG HOT COOKIE CHIPS!

14. After they are completely cooled you can cover them with fondant which is pretty much the same deal as above but with fondant staining your hands and no freezing or baking.

Dig if you will:

use the cutter to cut the fondant.

It is actually best to roll the fondant in long strips the width of the body part you are cutting

SANS PANTS BIATCHES!

as any serial killer will tell you, it is easier to freeze a body if it doesn’t have a face

15. You can then arrange them on platters, double wrap in plastic wrap and freeze those little fuckers for a couple of weeks until the party, removing them a couple of hours before and defrosting on wire racks.

Or eat them immediately. Whatever.

16. Place them lovingly on the the party table and stand back and marvel at the hours and hours and motherfucking HOURS you spent making them.

17. Die a little when you see all of the cookies demolished in a matter of seconds by the screaming hordes of children that descend on your home to celebrate the birth of the child that has locked himself in his room with his laptop and ipod.

LOL I’d love a cookbook to include this line “I forgot to take pictures of the dough making process, and quite frankly if you need pictures to follow a sugar cookie recipe then you have no fucking business making cookies.”