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Friday, April 29, 2011

Ask a Bougie Chick: Where is my Princ(ess) Charming Already?!

Totally feeling this one, it's for everyone who ever wondered - when is it going to happen for me? Where is my Prince/Princess Charming? Is it my turn yet?!

Dear Michele Grant,

I’m in severe need of your advice or opinion about my “love” life. It seems that I can’t win. I've tried personal ads, dating different type of men and been open-minded. I’ll admit that I’m a strong minded woman but I’m fair. When it comes to my love life (or lack of), I can’t win.

It’s so bad that I asked God on numerous occasions to take the desire to have a relationship, marriage or child away. It hurts to see people around you progressing in those areas while you’re standing still. It’s not that I want their experiences but my own. I hope that I don’t give the impression of someone whom stands around crying about what she doesn't have, I don’t. I just would like to know when I can stop telling myself ‘’It’s not your time”.

The last substantial relationship was a decade ago. From them to now, I “dated” frequently and have been the amusement of my girlfriends (I always have an unbelievable story). After no real relationships, scares of being infertile (twice) followed by surgery, twice ovarian cancer scares and numerous hours of praying, I’m numb. I am grateful that everything turned out fine (no infertile and no cancer), it leads me to question ‘Now what?”.

I had to come to the realization that maybe God’s plan for me isn't to be a mother or wife. I pray that his plan is shown to me and if it’s not what I want, let me be ok with it. I hold on to that prayer and it gives me peace until I meet someone and for whatever reason it doesn't work. And if that’s the case, why is he sending people in my life? What’s the reasoning? What is the lesson?

I’ve been working on being the best me and believe wholeheartedly that I’m 90% there. Is it wrong to want to share my life with someone? How many more times do I have to be hurt and disappointed? I know that our experiences make us stronger and better, but my love life is a freak show.

I’m in the hunt of peace in my life and tirelessly fighting not to be bitter.

Thank you for your time, CM78

CM78 - Well, I don't deign to know what God has in store for each of us. I've had this discussion with myself, with friends, with family for years before I just let it all go and said whatever will be will be. I know it's cliche and not what you want to hear but the truth is, there is no easy answer.

If you've read the blog, you know I've had quite the ride on the Relationship Rollercoaster. Dizzying highs, depressing lows and nauseating flips and turns. But in the words of Maya Angelou, "Still I rise." The raw truth is, it happens when it happens. I'm in a happy place right now but if this goes to hell in a handbasket (sorry Ninja!), I'll dust myself off and try again.

The good news is - people are still coming into your life. So you have options as well as hope. Try not to get too cynical about the ones that didn't work out or got away. Also, it's time to do a forensic review of boyfriends/date past. Just double check that you didn't overlook someone you dated before even if it was only briefly. This is also a great way to see if you are dating or attracting guys who ultimately are not your heart's desire. I made a spreadsheet and included things like how we met, how we communicated, their basic info and what went wrong. You'd be amazed the patterns you can see when it's broken down like that.

As you meet new people, take each person on their own merit. Also, it helps to treat each date or conversation as its own experience. Don't go into a situation thinking, "This might be The One." That's too much pressure.

What helps is to pray to be fulfilled and satisfied regardless of circumstances. It's a tough one, I'm still waiting for it to 100% kick in. Most of all, stay upbeat and optimistic. Good luck to you!

BougieLand, words for CM78? Have you felt the same? Thoughts, comments, insights?

There is an amazing amount of lightness that comes with letting go. I find it helps if I tell myself that it is OK to feel like I need something (companionship) even if it isn't there. Trying to tell yourself you don't need something that you do creates a huge amount of internal pressure. The second steps is knowing that although the need is there, I can be happy even if it isn't fulfilled. It is just one aspect of the multi-sided crystal of life. And the truth is that I really CAN be happy and more often than not these days I am. And it may be that it is because I've accepted the need and then let it go. I don't know if that makes any sense, but its the best I can think of to explain it. Lots of warm and happy thoughts going out to CM78.

As for me, I naturally wonder when it will be my turn, but I can't let myself get obsessed with it. Instead, I've chosen to build a life I truly ENJOY and makes me HAPPY. I moved to a city good for young professionals, bought I home I love and found a solid group of friends. So if this is gonna be my life til the end of my days, I think I'd be quite happy with it. ;-)

Other than that, it's just keeping the FAITH. I don't think it's an unreasonable plan to want someone to share your life with...even Adam did in the paradise that was the Garden of Eden. But you just have to know it may not happen on your schedule... I have a friend who finally found the love of her life and got married (for the first time)...at 53! I think any of us can settle, but do we really have the faith to wait for the right one?

CM78, Chele gave great advice, as she usually does. I'm on the same path as you. My school of thought about it is, in the mean time I will live my best life now; enjoy the little things in life. Appreciate the fact that I have great health, friends and family.

One of BnB ladies, I hope I'm getting her name right Tiffany in Houston, wrote a great article on this right here on BnB.

"I pray that his plan is shown to me and if it’s not what I want, let me be ok with it...I’m in the hunt of peace in my life and tirelessly fighting not to be bitter"

These two statements you wrote right here...If you believe in God why do you think He would not fulfill your heart's desires? God may not give you what YOU want but He always gives you what He knows you need. Personally, I think you just need to sit down and be still, with yourself and your thoughts. I think the reason you may be experiencing a lot of frustration is because you are not really clear on what you want. The reason why you're so frustrated with God is that you refuse to accept His plan at this moment in time. I don't think God gives you want you want until He sees that you are grateful for what you have now. Instead of focusing on having a relationship with a man why don't you work on having a relationship, a real one, with yourself? Be WITH yourself. You hear a whole lot of people say "I can be alone, it doesn't bother me". Why would it "bother" you? A truly happy person will say "I love being with myself, I enjoy being by myself and I also love and enjoy other people's company whether they are a love interest or a family member in need of guidance." (long sentence, right?) Get it out your mind that God is sending you a "freak show". What I get from your letter is that YOU think there's something wrong in your life and since you think this, then yes, you will go for freaky people who will continue to confirm your belief that your life is indeed a "freak show". I've had to reach out to a family member who is like a sister to me and say the very thing I'm saying to you and she was ENGAGED to be married! Girl, you betta' enjoy your freedom! Enjoy your life and be grateful for the blessings the God has given you so far not for the ones He may have lined up for you in the future. God is not responsible for your happiness YOU are. I've learned that lesson in life and young lady, I'm one of the happiest people I know because of it. Wishing you all the best on your journey.

Michelle''s advice was good,, however a decade without a serious relationship (when you desire one)makes me wonder what you are doing wrong. Are you getting out meeting new people, do you look the part (weight, skin, smile, hair, clothing). You stated you were "strong minded" does that mean you have an attitude....smh... your going to have to let that go....fast

Try this, next time you go out whether its to grocery store or happy hour with your girls...smile more and go up to a guy and strike up a convo (You come here often..You smell nice}Its a numbers game. Men are simple creatures, they are truly not hard to get.

"The raw truth is, it happens when it happens. I'm in a happy place right now but if this goes to hell in a handbasket (sorry Ninja!), I'll dust myself off and try again."...Amen to that!

"As you meet new people, take each person on their own merit. Also, it's helps to treat each date or conversation as it's own experience. Don't go into a situation thinking, "This might be The One." That's too much pressure."...Ok, will do.

I have felt the same way you do. At one point my running buddies got married within a month of each other, leaving me out of the picture. These same guys are on their second marriage, so I know it's not so bad. Everyone has their time.

There's also an interesting conversation to be had about desires and what we pray for, but that would be me post-jacking.

In addition to your advice, I would also like to add that she should try going out ALONE sometimes. I have found that it is easier for a man to talk to you without your cackling arse girlfriends all up in the mix. Just a thought.

Please don't do that - don't have someone believing that they have to be perfect "weight, skin, smile, hair, clothing" to attract a man and maintain a relationship. Sometimes it's not a case of "doing it wrong" - it's timing, circumstance, incompatibility and just plain not being ready to see what's in front of you.

Also, if she wrote in saying she finds it difficult to find a man, why would you tell her they are easy to get? That's not her experience.

I know how you feel, I really do. However it sounds like you're saying things out of frustration. If you go to God in prayer asking for a husband, you can't be double-minded. If you want to be married, ask God consistently and place you confidence in Him alone. You said "I asked God on numerous occasions to take the desire to have a relationship, marriage or child away." Then you said, "I had to come to the realization that maybe God’s plan for me isn't to be a mother or wife. I pray that his plan is shown to me and if it’s not what I want, let me be ok with it." Well which one is it? I truly believe that you want to be married and have family so you should have patience and just let God work on your behalf. Don't go out seeking a man but be in a position to be ready when the one God has for you come along. I'll keep you lifted in my prayers.

There's a group of six guys that I hang out with regularly. All of us are frat from Georgia and found our way to Dallas. When we first started hanging out, everyone was single with no thoughts of marriage. Last weekend was the first weekend where every other member of the crew was booed up except me. A brother had to reflect on that. Maybe it's time, maybe I didn't take someone seriously that I should have, maybe I'm not the marrying kind... I don't know.

I didn't mean to make this about me, CM, I'm just saying life changes in every heartbeat. Stay up, the next one could be the one you're waiting on.

You know what I find fulfilling and kinda keeps me from down in the dumps about being single?

Making other people happy. Get involved in volunteer work, mentorship, church committees, retirement homes, womens shelters... whateva'! There are so many people out here that are just in need of a friend. If you have so much love to give in a relationship, why not exert some of it with them until the relationship comes?

And don't work on yourself with a goal in mind like "I’ve been working on being the best me and believe wholeheartedly that I’m 90% there." Do you know how long life can be!?! You might be the best basketweaver on the block, or at 57 be a champion headbutter, there's always more stuff you can learn about or experience! Stop adding pressure by trying to gauge your relationship readiness for someone else when the longest relationship you'll ever have is with yourself.

CM78, I know exactly how you feel. I feel like I wrote that myself. I have my good days and bad days as well. I don't have the answer for you but I know the one thing that helps me stay focus is concentrating on the things that make me happy: Cooking, traveling, hanging out with my closest friends, and volunteering. I know one day The One will come along but I have to make sure that I am ready to receive it and all the lanes/paths are clear for him to see and get to me. So keep your head up (I'm saying this to myself as well as you).

@CM78: I can honestly tell you that there is no shame in waiting for the right man to come along. Don't let biological clocks or other folks' fortunes or misfortunes dictate the pace of your life.

Until I met The One, I was happy in my own skin, socially busy, going to school, and making life happen for me. By the time I met my man, he saw a confident, secure woman who was open, happy, and ready to love and be loved. It also happens when you least expect it - almost right in your face.BTW - we are getting married in October!

Up until now, I was never married or had children, and you know what? I am 46 years old and still having the time of my life. Now - I don't know about birthin' no babies (did I mention I am 46?), but if it happens it was because it was on its own timeline. God isn't the enemy - impatience and frustration is. Don't put it on God to hurry up and make it happen. Trust me, life is real good for those who patiently prepare their lives to be happy in their own skin and finding your mate is just a great bonus!

Do I feel the same? To be honest, my 27 years of life have shown me that things turn up when I'm not chasing after it. I'm not kidding. Most of what I've wanted, needed or just plain had-to-have didn't come into my life right when I wanted it - but they did turn up at the right time. I've decided to play it that way with relationships also. If it happens, great; if it doesn't happen, then I still have my life and this big ol' world to explore. :)

Do you think perhaps you date more with your eyes and initial reaction rather than dating on a more cerebral level? In other words, your mate may be somebody that you might have to step out of the box to meet and greet. As a busy MD I know it is hard for you to do, but give it a try sometime...

I was where you were once feeling like when is it going to happen for me and then I entered into a long term (TOO LONG) relationship and thought it was THE ONE. During the relationship I still ended up saying when is it going to happen for me even though I was engaged. Regardless of what side of the fence you happen to be on there is still the potential of "that feeling".

I agree with what Chele said about taking the time to look back and evaluate your relationships. It actually does work because in evaluating the relationships, I not only evaluated them I evaluated myself within the relationship. I came to the realization that I was a repeat offender in always selecting guys that had some degree of emotional unavailability. I had a habitual attraction to the sensitive and caring but wounded ninja. It shocked the hell out of me! When the light came on that party was over.

So, stop beating yourself up for the desire in your heart. It is human nature to want companionship. It really does take as long as it takes.

I had to go back to check I didn't write this myself. I'm going to do the spreadsheet thing today, but even better, I'm going to keep repeating something I learned on a retreat when I was 16: Don't anticipate; participate. Working from home the past 3.5 years has challenged me to engage others beyond the screen, so I know my growth areas. What are your growth edges? Do you need to expand your typical sphere of interaction? Perhaps look at others whom you've not considered before? Try connecting with others through singles events? Volunteer somewhere meaningful to you and see if you make new connections?

This may not apply to you, but in typing this reply, a voice inside me kept repeating, "Take your own advice for once." I hate that know-it-all voice sometimes, but this time I know it's right.

Anyway, you're not alone. Let's do this and check back in periodically on our progress. What do you say?

Been lurking for about a year now. I never comment. I read BnB with my morning coffee. But I had to pipe up today. I'm older than your average bougienista (47), I own my own house, car, company and have never been married. Before seven months ago, I had not had a date in two years. I assumed this was just the way it's going to be. The out of the blue, a guy said hello in the grocery store. We started talking about wine. He proposed last week.

I've been dating since I was 16 years old. So that 31 years of wondering "is this the One? Where is he? Maybe I'm not meant to marry." The whole thing. Not seeing I don't wish I'd met him before my ovaries had given me the finger but you know what? Better late than never.

I feel ya, I have felt that way myself! I think Bougieland has provided some great advice so I will add my 2 cents!

1) I had to solidify relationship role models so I could be clear on what a "healthy" relationship looked like. Of course, I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but I have relatives, friends and colleagues that have healthy relationships and I use them for guidance and advice. I talk to the men and the women and it has blessed me tremendously!

2) I have a committee (based on these role models and others) to ground me while dating. This has been beneficial for two reasons as they usually tell me whether the person is someone I should date based on knowing me very well. For example, there have been times when my best friend would say "You don't seem excited about this guy, that isn't characteristic of you." Since she and I have been friends for over 20 years, I take her perception of my happiness seriously and it has been helpful. Secondly, my committee helps me gain perspective about what is really important versus what is not. In my last relationship, I identified what I thought were red flags that would "hinder" the growth of a long-term relationship. Once I got clear on the real issues, I talked to my people and they confirmed my suspicions. Not one of them thought I was making a mistake by ending the relationship and most were quite relieved when that happened. Again, this is to keep me grounded and make sure I don't miss the forest from the trees.

3) Stay open! You have no idea how your story will unfold, who the man is and where you two will connect! I could give you stories regarding the origin for my relationship role models but the point is that they are diverse and varied! Once I realized that no one really knows their story, I developed and try to maintain an attitude of openness all the time. Sometimes it is harder than others, but in general it helps me to maintain optimism. That doesn't mean that every man is the the potential "one" but just that I am open to my story begining whenever that is, even if I don't know it is beginning.

Because of my crazy schedule, I tend to date what's in front of me. Expediency and attraction above all else for the past few years. I plan to make a few changes when I get to Houston and start this fellowship.

Anyone who hasn't ever felt like this either 1) got married young or 2) hasn't lived long enough yet.It happens. But don't let the relationship struggle become your entire focus. Diversify. Find things that make you happy.

My last post on this is that I look around everyday and see fabulous women of all sizes, color, classes, education levels and whatever else variation you can imagine and they are single as well. I find it unproductive to ask "why not me?", because at the same time I could ask "why not them?"

Sometimes it bes like that '78... but you're not alone even if it feels like it :)

"...do you look the part (weight, skin, smile, hair, clothing) ..." You, tbrad, should just keep living and while you're doing that, perhaps try saving your posts in an e-mail draft, re-reading the topic and *thinking* about what you are saying before you hit 'post'. Just think about it...

If you are anxious about having a relationship (the 10%) it will show in subtle ways. Don't worry yourself about when you will meet someone. When you give something to God, put in on the prayer altar, thank Him for handling His business in His own time and way, and then leave it there. Easier said than done, but I've been a member of the club! Keep growing comfortable with and enjoying your life. And volunteering truly does wonders for the spirit and soul, and you never know what connections will result from giving to others! (((hugs)))

"I hold on to that prayer and it gives me peace until I meet someone and for whatever reason it doesn't work. And if that’s the case, why is he sending people in my life? What’s the reasoning? What is the lesson?"

Ok this is what's frustrating me right now. (Btw, this is only my second time posting, so please be patient with me!) I met what I thought was a really nice guy, we hit it off for about six-seven months, everything is amazing, blah blah blah (btw, there was no cocoa stirring, but there was plenty of PDA). And then his wife called me out of the blue. Wait, what???? I'm like, where the hayle did you come from?

Anyway, I keep wondering why God brought this dude into my life if He knew things would end up like this? Like what was the point of having what I thought was progressing into a great relationship, only to be humiliated and hurt in the end? Does. Not. Compute.

The important thing to remember is to never, ever give up. My Mom always told me to never settle and I won't. She was in her 40's when she married for the first time and she is so, so happy. God designed a man especially for her and she's happy she waited.

And Amen to the poster who said not all men are sent by God. All marriages and relationships weren't put together by God. God gives us every clue that we're not in the best situation, but we choose to ignore and move forward anyway, then call on Him when we can't take it anymore. Just because it happened doesn't mean God did it.

When I had my own crisis of confidence about this, one of my exes' mother gave me the best advice I've ever gotten in matters of the heart. She told me to build my perfect life for me and stop worrying about finding someone; when I was happy on my own, and not just trying to look happy with one eye on the clock, I'd meet a friend. Just a friend, who might eventually become something more, but whether he did or not, if I had built my perfect life, I was going to be happy.

I didn't entirely believe her; I spent the better part of the next five years still chasing, and crashing. Eventually, though, toward the end of a long-term relationship that wasn't bad but wasn't good for me either, I started working on myself. I found a job I loved. I found a therapist I clicked with. I bought a trusty vibe and started figuring out what I liked. I bought a hammock. I ended the relationship, and became a gamer, of all things. I moved to a gorgeous loft apartment, out of the house the now-ex and I had shared for those years. And somewhere along the line, one of the friends I'd made in that game I never thought I'd try before I did try it -- became more. Now, five years after meeting him first, a full decade after getting that great advice, I'm taking baby steps toward a new home and a new career halfway around the planet. Figure out what you need to be happy. I promise you, it's a "what" and not a "who". Happy, confident women who fill their days with things they find interesting are attractive -- but even if it doesn't work that way, you'll be too busy and too happy to stew over it.

That's terrible advice. You just told her to change her weight, hair, clothes, clothing, and *attitude* -- if she does all that, what's going to be left of her authentic self? Any guy who'd fall for that slick surface pretense isn't going to be worth keeping anyway -- he's going to ditch her the moment she voices disagreement or regains weight like most dieters do. (And most of them end up even heavier and in poorer health -- because of the diet starvation/restrictions resetting their metabolism lower -- than they were to start with, so there's that too. Not a single weight-loss company out there can show consistent long-term success.) That's a recipe for misery and a string of short-term, shallow flings, not a lifetime relationship with someone who truly wants to be with her.

This woman soo reminds me of my perdicament. After all the times I've been played by girls and had no relationships whatsoever, I've pretty much given up on love or getting "the one." Sometimes I think about a FWB thing, but I digress. I think you should just do as the other commentators have said. Be yourself. I know I am. Mabye then a suitable guy will come along for you. ;)

Wow, CM78, have we met? I swear, I have the same conversation with my best friend. It doesn't help that she met her significant other in high school (we're all the same age). I'm the one in my group of friends without the man. In my early twenties it really didn't bother me because I had an "F U" attitude. But things changed once I went home over the holidays. To see my friends with a significant other and then to think about myself being alone, it was too much.

I'll admit CM78 you're better than me, because I HATE putting myself out there when it comes to relationships. Men think i'm playing "hard to get", but in all honesty it's a defense mechanism/wall I built up to protect my heart from getting hurt again.

I told my friends that I wanted to go on a date by the end of July (Note: I never been on a date before... blame it on the schoolwork!). We'll see how that goes.

Before I go, when I think of my lackluster love life, I just remind myself, "There's someone for everyone", and hopefully we'll meet them one day.

1. Obviously CM78, you are NOT alone. I think men and women BOTH struggle with the singledom blues but either there are so many of us out there (according to every Black in Ameria report on CNN, over 46% right?) or we just don't hear men complaining that much. No consolation in knowing that it isn't YOU, but hopefully some comfort from the posts that it's far too common.

2. Chele, what a good idea - the spreadsheet. I started doing mini bio's for the men I've dated for kicks but never really though abut it seriously enough but the post mortem is awesome. I plan on starting that now and would suggest any woman who's struggling with the relationship department start by assessing the types of men she's been dealing with, do some self eval and we'll probably learn a lot.

3. Praying to God that he NOT send anyone? That was pretty powerful because that tells me you'd gotten to a place of absolute hopelessness with the men you've been dealing with. I feel you on this but as some of the others have mentioned, every man isn't necessarily God sent. Maybe it's because I'm the type who believes more in God giving us abilities to do and make decisions vs the waiting for what He sends us type mentality.

4. I say continue the dating sites, in addition to broadening your horions by trying new things, hobbies etc. I don't care what anyone says about focusing on you, making money, education, etc... if you have a yearning to be with a man, a life partner, there is nothing that will take the place of that feeling.

as per usual, Chele and bougieland gets it right. i wont impart any wise words because i have none, i've been in the same spot as the CM78...all i'll say is that you believe there is a plan. believe it. truly. and 100%

If people are having a hard time meeting, marrying and mating then there is only one culprit...and he/she is in the mirror.

I refuse to believe in a decade's time people all of sudden don't know how to get it together. Most of my friends (and me) who graduated high school and college in the mid to late 80s have been married had children - divorced and married again. It is not rocket science. Nor is it settling either - it is about knowing how to be a friend - it is about really liking people and enjoying those in your life. Finally, it is about not taking yourself so seriously.

I REALLY (and I'm not being facetious either) don't understand what happen to you my younger sisters. (yes my baby brother is 36 - so we are still in the same generation) Did you not get the memo? Or did something happen to us that I missed while I was divorcing my first husband, fielding new marriage proposals and raising my daughters? Maybe that is it -timing. My daughters have already received their first marriage proposals - but they are too busy working on their individual projects to get married up. Is that what happened to you all? Were you to busy doing you? Nothing wrong with that but there is a reason why the saying is "strike while the iron is hot" . We get comfortable in our ways with no room for letting folks in with their quirks. I know my tolerance level is limited now - only because I can afford to be picky (yeppers - I don't want anymore children lol - so I'm no longer in that mode)

But still - I just know when we were younger we made time for our lovers, their quirks, our quirks and our goals. Now that we are older we TRY to do the same thing -we call it a balancing act - and many of us are marrying again. I hope you will lighten up - I mean really lighten up as in levity- I can guarantee once you do - you will have more suitors, callers and proposals than you will know what to do.

I must admit that I can NOT relate to the feeling. Maybe because I'm an only child OR maybe because I've been married once. I have watched for a while as my beautiful, extremely successful girl friends allow themselves to be treated less than ideally or chase and borderline stalk men, that do not deserve them. Watching them makes my heart sad for them, I've never been interested in investing time (dinner, movie, etc) with someone I have no interest in getting to know.

That said, I have been VERY fortunate to have loved and been loved by the greatest men alive (hey ya'll), so nothing less than the best (for me) will do...

My advice is to stay positive about who you are and what you want. He will arrive when he gets there, but in the meantime enjoy the journey to love....

THIS. I'm keeping busy and living a full life until I meet Mr. Forevermore. I meet more people when I'm being vibrant. :) My parents are ready for grandkids something fierce though. Congratulations to you Rozb.

"Try this, next time you go out whether its to grocery store or happy hour with your girls...smile more and go up to a guy and strike up a convo (You come here often..You smell nice}Its a numbers game. Men are simple creatures, they are truly not hard to get."-I do agree with this part...I've been thinking that I may need to approach guys more instead of waiting for them to approach me...

I agree with you....when we ask for something and thank God in advance for receiving it but then in the next thought we allow fear, doubt or any negativity come in we are just canceling out our request. We have to be clear about what we want, stand firm, continuing to be grateful for receiving it until it manifests into our reality (and I'm talking to myself as well) We can't let our circumstances keep us from our blessings. We have to walk by faith not by sight in every aspect of our lives. I'm still waiting & believing that I will be blessed with the desire of my heart to be married but not just married....married to the one that God sees fit for me...because He knows what's best for me!