My legal Advisor – Nobby no-brains has pointed out that I haven’t set out the User Terms and Conditions for this site.

Obviously this is just a formality and not worth you reading in full as they are more-or-less standard….. with one or two teeny, tiny updates:

1. By using this site I grant the author full and unrestricted access to my bank account, cars and fridge.

2. The user (hereinafter referred to as: “the victim”) undertakes to clean me, my laundry, my house, car and toilets as and when required by the author (hereinafter referred to as: “taking the piss”).

3. The user/victim shall, on demand hand over such cash as may be required by the author together with such credit and or debit cards together with pin numbers – that he may feel at any time, will look better in his own wallet.

4. The user will stand bail/surety and attend all court hearings instead of the author should he be charged with any acts of criminality.

5. The user will carry out acts of violence against nominated persons as may be required by him and further confirms that he will be available to carry the author home at chucking out time.

6. The user waives all any rights whatsoever and will address the author as “God”.

7. The user will surrender their first-born immediately should the author receive what he considers a reasonable cash offer from Madonna or any other celebrity.

Tonight Britney (47) brought home from school (she’s in the 2nd year at Juniors) the dreaded:

“Your Child has shown interest in the violin”

letter.

What ACTUALLY happened was the teacher brained a kid with his own violin after he messed up “Greensleeves” for the umpteenth time and Britney said:

“What the FUCK?”

..her name was down on the list for THAT letter in less time than the Headmaster takes to expose himself at Assembly.

All I get from that school is utter, utter, UTTER shite.

Britney WOULD not know a violin if I were to set fire to one and tie it to a passing pensioner’s mobility scooter
(true actually… I did that very thing only last week)

Purely by chance they are about to run an after-school class at “competitive prices”.
And the good luck continues:

” We have a selection of Violins and other Instruments which can be securedfor a ‘modest’ down payment”.

Exploitative bastards.

When I lock her in the Fritzel’s basement it’s to get a bit of peace and quiet – I don’t want to hear that screeching racket.

Clearly her teachers aren’t prepared to settle for having already stitched us up once with the School Recorder Club.

The amount of dribble that came out the end of that particular instrument of torture was worse than Grandad on his endless trips to the bog. I got sick of being asked to try and guess what the random assortment of shrill sounds was supposed to be. I do not know of any tune that sounds like the dire noises that thing generates. Everything sounds the same – like a drunken asthmatic being beaten up and trying to summon help with a broken whistle.

Anyway Brits lost interest after I cleared the blocked toilet with it…only time the thing was of any use.

You can NOT trust teachers.

Teachers are THE most complete bare-faced liars:

“Your child shows potential…”
(as a serial psycho killer)

“Interacts well with the other children…”
(Pays up IMMEDIATELY when bullied for cash by bigger kids)

“There’s been a big improvement on last term”
She’s dropped the Assault charges.

Social Services accused me of being a bad parent which is unfair. … how was I to know the £20 notes I gave them for fags were forgeries? I ALWAYS share my heroin with the kids and NEVER once have I let them drive when they’ve had too much to drink.
Social Services have such unrealistic expectations. They’ll be wanting me to return to the UK and feed them next.

I thought those undercover reporters at the Sunday Times must have been mistaken about being able to “buy” a meeting with the Prime Minister but then this document found it’s way into my hands..

(a bargain at just £20 from my mate Peter C)…

I admit that I’ve not been able to verify it’s authenticity…

(that would have cost me another £1,000 “contribution” which I didn’t have on me)

The inside page looks like this:

There have been quite a few queries already about this and I have attempted to answer these below:

FAQs:

I thought Cameron was a foreign country?

You’re possibly confusing “Cameron” with “Cameroon” –
Cameroon is an African country. Some African countries suffer from corrupt political practices.
We wouldn’t tolerate that sort of nonsense here.

I thought Cameroon was a biscuit?

You’re possibly confusing “Cameroon” with “Macaroon”.
Macaroons taste completely different to David Cameron.

Can anybody go to these parties?

So far it has been mainly rich people (see price list).
Some terrorist groups are desperate to attend but have found it difficult to raise the necessary funds.

I have a 32″ Plasma TV that I got in last years’s riots…what would that get me?

The Camerons are no longer accepting anything under 50″.

It will probably get you about 2 years at Magistrates Court if it is your first and only offence.

I’m not particularly political ..could I have a KFC Family Feast with the Queen instead?

Her Majesty has never really gone in for KFC, so your best option is probably to seize power in a Commonwealth country as that will pretty much guarantee you an audience with Liz and Phil……. Pound-for-pound it works out as much better value too.

I’ve just lost my job at GAME how does this affect me?

Unfortunately – as you’ll probably get bugger all redundancy money – the Camerons will be out of your price range.

On the plus side we have seen items of discarded underwear from unpopular Cabinet Ministers (such as the Health Secretary, for example) for sale on e-bay which you can buy for as little as £30.

I’ve just had to forfeit my Bankers Bonus of £100,000.. where does that leave me?

In the same sort of shit as the rest of us. LOL.

I’ve got a signed, framed photo of David Beckham hanging up in my lounge ..can I charge £100,00 for dinner at mine?

Don’t be fucking ridiculous.

Can I use my credit card?
Normally people’s credit limits are pitifully inadequate
Unmarked, used £20* notes ARE the preferred method of payment, though US Dollars ARE just as acceptable.
Receipts are not available. You MIGHT be able to offset your Donation against tax^.

(^A separate lunch with the Head of Inland Revenue will be required)

I thought democracy meant getting my MP to raise matters of public concern at the Houses of Parliament?
Indeed that system worked fairly well until as recently as Oliver Cromwell.
These days some streamlining of the process has become essential so that the “man in the street’s” voice can still be heard

(and a window is ALWAYSleft open during the Camerons parties for that reason).

But aren’t I right in thinking that the Liberal Democrats are to blame for ALL the coalition’s mistakes?

Of course you are.

(* There WAS an unfortunate occasion when it was found that the £50 notes used in payment were forgeries and the “Guests” had to be ejected by security)

Firstly let me say I wish nothing but the happiest of Mother’s Day’s to those many, many – indeed the greater percentage/majority of mums – who deserve nothing other than that.

But – and let’s be brutally honest – some of us have had to endure other mums who are not worthy of the title other than as an acronym:Malicious Unpleasant Monsters.

I speak from the bitterest of personal experience.

Some children spend their childhood in the town, others in the country.
I spent mine constantly in the shit.

I just knew she didn’t like me..for example:

she only started breast feeding me when she found out I was lactose intolerant. Even then, after a while, she got lazy and made me sit in the playpen 4 feet away with my mouth open trying to judge “the likely flow” with her squirting away whilst she watched television. Spookily enough other kids don’t like potential playmates that stink of rancid milk.

She took re-usable nappies to the max – she would turn mine inside out and put them back on me WITHOUT emptying them.

My only “Toys” were an unexploded mine and a hammer.

It didn’t improve as I got older.

She would knit me Balaclavas with no face hole and she ALWAYS made sure I wore the latest party dress.

I remember her disappointment when she heard I hadn’t been abused as a choirboy.

When I was doing a sponsored walk she insisted I use the M6.

I found copies of letters she’d written to Hitler saying I was Jewish.

She circumcised me using a pastry cutter.

If I wanted to play outside I had to fly kites near electric pylons.

She lived in hope of finding another Krakatoa so she could send me there on a camping holiday.

I lost count of the number of times I was left behind at the supermarket for days on end. She would scuttle home with the groceries leaving me behind whilst she: “went home for her purse”....promising to return………ha!

We buried her a few years ago – just to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Big mistake ……she got her own back. She gave me tea laced with Rohypnol max strength and dumped me in a gay bar shouting as she left:

“He’s all yours boys”

Above:

(We were so poor our whole lives were spent in black and white)

This is an early photo of mum and I next to her favourite bomber.
As a pilot she flew more than 150 bombing missions over Germany – fair enough during the war….. but this was in 1965.
A formidable woman, her Navigator still talks fondly of the time she ran back across the English Channel with the plane tucked under her arm after it was badly damaged by enemy anti-aircraft fire.Note in this picture how she is edging me nearer the propeller whilst dad (out of picture) is in the cockpit waiting to: “fire her up”.

These days no self-respecting local hard-nut is properly kitted out to venture out in his “Manor”
without some ferocious fighting dog such as a Pit Bull, Rottweiler, Bull Mastiff – preferably rabid – in tow.“Attack Dogs” are the “Weapon of Choice” is, I believe, the phrase the RSPCA used.

I appreciate that Gang leaders, Vendors of Mood-Enhancing substances may be reluctant to consider lesser breeds such as Chihuahuas and Pekingise as they wouldn’t have quite the same “impact”….
…but are they missing a trick?

Maybe they can’t use old fashioned pets like goldfish, hamsters or tortoise….. BUT have they forgotten the threat of Mad Cow Disease that had us all choking on our burgers?

My pal Rupert has found that “patrolling” with his Fresian, Daisy, all loose-bowelled and hooves askew as she slides around slobbering, has worked well for him as an enforcer……plus he’s making his own yoghurt.

He’s considering adding an eagle to his “team” …he wouldn’t have to take it for walks AND the
added threat of bird flu ….. He’s going to plaster it’s beak with a bit of that green crazy string stuff for that nicely “snotted-up” look.

Above:

The Parrot – a poor man’s Eagle but a better conversationalist.

Above:

PATHETIC! The even less imposing budgie – a bit like a parrot-with-aids