And with that statement I felt fearful. Fearful for how this could end in the future. For one of those men who will do anything and I mean anything to keep me from leaving. Whether it’s through emotional manipulation or physical violence. He sounded like he may be joking but the truth often comes out in jest.

I also thought that how I do things so that people will like me, not to leave me and accept me. But the rational part of my brain tells me different. The mental torment in my mind is overwhelming. I also think that it’s so unfair for me to put this all on my Beloved. Because he is the one who will end up “fixing” my fuck up. Borderline people don’t mean to hurt their loved ones its just something that happens due in most part to their impulsive behavior. When the borderline is accepting to feed their ego, things get out of control fast.

I want the sex from Mr. Sam, but not at the cost of my home security. But I still want the sex. To feel the heat from his body, to feel each forceful thrust, to smell him, taste him. I wanna feel all those chemicals released in my brain, to feel high from the sex.

But pain and disloyalty I would cause my Beloved would break my heart. He doesn’t deserve this treatment from me, he’s done everything to please me, to accept me and mostly to love me.

I just have to figure out how to get out of this mess I created for myself. Discreetly, gracefully. And mostly I don’t want to hurt Mr. Sam. He’s a fragile, kind and thoughtful person. He does have a good heart. Maybe misguided, misunderstood he’s still a human being with feelings.

He is hard to get a read on, most men I can figure out rather quickly not Mr. Sam. Perhaps that’s why I cant let him go. The need to find out what makes him tick is strong. Ugh. WTF! Someone just kick me in the head.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….

The inability to say NO. Borderlines are afraid to say no out of fear of rejection, judgment.

Relationships: A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Attachment fears.

Addiction to chaos and drama.

Lying and deceitfulness, mixed messages, self-contradicting.

Self-sabotage.

[I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2017 (2014 Project). I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma].

Ok, after looking at his Facebook page. I see he still has his X girlfriend on his page. He still has a cousin that he swore he can’t stand, because she’s a shit starter.

Yet, that son of a bitch, DELETED ME!
ME???!!!!
Seriously?!!!
This is OLD news, however, looking back on the recent text conversation, he still wanted to talk to me! UGH! GRRRRRRRRRR. The ultimate douche bag…and I fell for it!

So, just now before I finished this blog. I DELETED all of his information from my phone!
Including ALL previous text conversations.

FUCK that crazies fuckers! What was I thinking?! Right! I wasn’t. I was totally bored with my simple uneventful life. Well, I got a taste of what the other side is like. Too much Drama. It was completely exhausting.

I have cleaned out my iPhone contacts, texts and photos. WOW! More room for other things. DONE! NO more….

MmmmK, one thing. The winter season is approaching, this means that I get kind of nuts. I hope that I can find something to do, to keep me from going off in that same direction.

*rolling eyes*

Dated: September 25, 2012

The above was taken from my personal journal. It shows me how one of my symptoms looks in hind sight. I guess it’s that whole “intense emotional reaction” thing happening there. When someone does something to hurt me, intentional or intentional I completely over-react. Resulting in behavior represented in above’s journal entry.

I have noticed that certain people bring more drama to the table tend to make these types of behaviors re emerge from the depths that I had shoved them down into. I try not to over react, however, the emotions always seem to get the best of me. The acting out starts, wanting to hurt them like they hurt me. It becomes a battle of emotions. I will not forgive such actions against me. I will however, put on a happy face to them and wait for the opportunity in which I can return the favor of pain. Like I said this is not everyone that is in my life. It’s the ones that I allowed to get close enough to cut. Most often I do not allow people to get emotionally that close.

Looking back on this entry, I have not acted out like this since 2012. It seems that there are certain personality types that cause me to behave in such an ugly manner. Blogging for mental health, has assisted me in looking at my actions, behaviors and thoughts a bit differently now. I may not help anyone else understand abnormal behavior, more important I can see myself through different eyes now.

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