I no longer have any respect for my elders. This weekend, Ted's father violated Wingman Code 1.1: Never rack-jack* your wingman. Like a balding vulture, Mr. Mosby swooped in to feast upon the mutilated innards of the peppy waitress I tirelessly hunted throughout the evening. But that's okay - he's statistically way closer to death than I am and - wait - he just got a little closer.

Rack Jack · (rak-jak)(Latin) v. To steal a wingman's quarry. Often times with malicious, pre-meditated intent.

B S U Here's what an advanced degree will get you: poorer and not laid. Too many people waste precious time and energy on graduate studies, becoming an expert in some useless field like "Museum Studies," "Architecture," or "Medicine." I believe it was Confucious who once said:

He who knows great deal about some useless field like "Museum Studies," "Architecture," or "Medicine," is fool.

Once again, our ancient Chinese friend is correct. It's far better and more efficient to understand snippets from various subjects than to limit yourself to the complete mastery of one. Think about it: would you want to wake up next to the same person everyday for the rest of your life? No.

If you don't believe me, take Indiana Jones. Normally the closest an archaeology professor gets to a woman is digging up her 8,000 year old skeleton. But Indiana Jones got a living, breathing woman to write "I love you" on her eyelids. How? Because he also knew how to crack a whip.

With that in mind, I suggest you enroll online at Barney Stinson University (awaiting accreditation.) The following are some suggested courses for your freshman year.

SUGGESTED COURSES OF STUDY

MUSICOLOGY - Even one song on one instrument can go a long way (SEE the band Right Said Fred). I've memorized the first 16 bars of a Mozart sonata, and women in at least 16 bars have memorized me.

MAGIC 101 - A simple magic trick can amaze even the coldest new acquaintance. Advanced classes will learn to vacate bedrooms, relationships, and other seemingly inescapable environments undetected.

GYMNASTICS - Students put the "nastics" in "gymnastics," competing in hand-to-hand/body-to-body combat drills. Course only offered to female students.

HOME ECONOMICS - A groundbreaking class shattering the cultural myth that sewing and other simple homemaker tasks are solely feminine. Using only the finest Moroccan weaves, students will design and tailor their own double-breasted, three button blazers and matching suit pants.

GENETIC BIOLOGY - In this laboratory class, students will investigate the science of heredity through first-hand data. Students will examine hospital records, estate photographs, and last but not least, video-documentary detailing a family's coupling history. Satisfies audio-visual requirement.

Again, these are just the suggested courses. If you have any questions regarding other courses of study or have a name/design for BSU's official mascot, please send your design to our provost's email: barneystinson@yahoo.com