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Maybe this post comes off as harsh because I had an incredibly disappointing race this past weekend.

Or maybe it comes off as harsh because there’s no other way to talk about the American Record holder for the mile failing to run times that would be in the top 5 for either event IN HIGH SCHOOL. Not Swag, not swag at all.
So, Alan, PLEASE. Do us all a favor, RETIRE.

Why?

There are some major benefits to retiring! In case you haven’t thought about it yet, here’s some things you might not have thought about yet!Because once retired, it becomes acceptable to talk about your glory days.

Back in my day I was a sub 4 miler!

CAT-NAPS!!

Admittedly, you would not look this adorable

Vacation Time!

The only way you're getting there.

Getting that “Perfect” Lawn

STAY OFF MY LAWN YA DAMN KIDS!

You Can Take Part in Much Less Stressful Games/Hobbies!

Be careful, being tired from hard workouts is no excuse for losing in BINGO.

You can become a mentor for youngsters!

"We lost a lot of good men out there.."

You will be able to indulge in the finer things in life!

Won't have to watch your figure! "It'll make you live forever"

It will be socially acceptable for you to drive as slow as you’ve been running!

You probably won't drive as fast as your 800 PR but it's hard to get injured driving 15mph so you'll be safe!

Seriously man, I’d come within 5 seconds of you, if not beat you, in a 1500 right now. And I’m a terrible miler. Just hang the spikes up, go knock some things off the bucket list!