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Saturday, July 23, 2011

I woke up feeling down today & I hate that feeling. I need to snap out of it and try my best to enjoy my weekend. I can't wait for Luke's birthday :) I miss him so much that I wish I could see him one more time. I feel like a bad mother for getting pregnant before my little man's 1st birthday . I feel that my worry and anxiety has over shadow his birthday. I also feel bad with penitent because I'm trying really hard to be indifferent to him/she bring in my womb & being part of me. I just want to feel better & all this fear to go away.

Monday, July 18, 2011

So tomorrow according to the baby calculator I will be 5 weeks. I just found out a week ago & it feels like it has been an eternity which means I have another 5 weeks to make it to my first ob appointment.

It is strange that I don't have the same symptoms as my first two pregnancies and in a way I feel paranoid. I feel good though but I also know is early in the pregnancy.

I really try not to think about it so I don't worry about it. I don't want to live like this though out this journey.

It is hard to trust God right know and it sounds wrong because he is the only way and the only one that is in control of my life and this baby. It is hard to pray form a healthy baby because I did that with Hope and Luke and they are not here with me. I know that they are in a better place than here and they have a HUGE purpose in heaven. I just miss my babies that's all....

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Part of me wants to keep my pregnancy a secret in case something bad happening I don't feel like a failure again. My husband doesn't think that I should because at the end of the day family and friends are needed during happy & tough times I guess he is right but I am terribly scared & I'm having a rough time hearing "congrats!!". I know it sounds silly but I feel people shouldn't congratulate me because there is either a long roars or a very short one ahead of us. I love this baby already but I feel like is hard to get attached in fear of suffering once again. We have awesome family & friends so I don't think I can keep it a secret. I want to be discrete about it since I know other women that have gone throughmy path just here recently & don't want to upset. I don't know what God had in store for me but whatever it is I am here to be used by him. As I have done in the past I offer God my child and let it be his will.

July 12, 2012 I found out I am pregnant again!!! I just blog about getting on birth control and being nervous about our genetics appt. I have to say the appointment went well and we got positive news. I haven't been able to digest this part of me feels terrified, sad, nervous and a little happy. I am not afraid of having a child but rather loosing another one. I still think I am in denial & hasn't sink in so I catch my self looking at the pregnancy test with the two lines confirming the unexpected.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

So Luke's 1st birthday is right around the corner and so much to do! I finally finished all 35 beed bracelets that will go in Hope's Butterfly Kisses boxes but I still have get some of these boxes, paint them and put each one together. I know what your thinking 35 boxes is not that much...trust me I thought the same thing and now I realize how much work is involve.

Beside my boxes we finally decided to make an appointment with a genetic counselor. I really think is pointless but is something my husband feels more comfortable doing so I will compromise. We were suppose to meet with this genetic counselor last year right after we lost out little man and it feels like we are catching up.

I also decided to get on birth control and I am a little scared since I have never been on it but I hope it all goes well. It is almost a year since loosing Luke and I thought I would feel ready to try again, but is not the case.

I think baby #3 is going to happen when it does and if it doesn't then we will go to plan B, C, or D (which I have no clue what they are yet). I know for sure that I am not getting another puppy to cure my baby fever....lol three dogs are more than enough but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tonight I need to clean mi Casa because it is a disaster since I have been working a lot I feel like I have no time for nothing.

I have to re order Luke's birthday cards because I am such a dumb a@$$ and misspelled a word on the cards and my husband was upset because I didn't let him proof read them prior to ordering the.Also he is upset because I didn't make him part of it ordering his birthday cards. Who understands them! Sometimes he wants to participate and sometimes like it doesn't matter what I do regarding Luke and Hope.

I really wanted to have a Catholic service on Luke's birthday and have family and friends come but I have no idea if my church would do something like that since he was not baptized prior
to passing away. There are so many "rules" in my faith that I'm not sure. But as always I left everything at the last minute and I think is a little too late. Maybe next year :)

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It has always been difficult to describe myself, but I have always have been able to say thatI am a caring, sympathertic, loving person. After the rough end of 2009/2010 I can not describe myself because it seems like I no longer know me.