The implication was subtle, but it was there – darling, you look like hell.

At this point, I probably could have assured her that under normal circumstances, I look pretty presentable. Assuming I haven’t been doing the sobby PMS thing, I don’t ordinarily sport a shiny red nose and mascara rings under my eyes. While I don’t usually wear much makeup – a little mascara and some lipstick – it’s enough to keep me from frightening small children.

But saying all that would have led to a doubly awkward moment in which in which she felt compelled to console me for my sorrow while assuring me she wasn’t suggesting I looked like a homeless senior citizen.

It was easiest just to let her drag me to the makeup counter, seat me on a plush stool, and begin smearing my face with mineral powder. I was starting to enjoy myself when she asked what I do for a living.

“I’m a romance author,” I admitted, braced for one of the typical reactions I get from strangers – disdain, fascination, or the faint suspicion I’m a sexual deviant.

This woman was delighted. She had some very definite ideas about what my romance author career must be like. She whipped out a staggering array of cosmetic products, explaining to me what would look best on camera for my televised book tours and speaking engagements.

“When you meet Danielle Steele, you might want to consider doing something like this with eyeliner,” she said.

“OK,” I agreed, lacking the heart to tell her the odds of me meeting Danielle Steele are about the same as the odds I’ll ever be able to apply eyeliner without stabbing myself.

She covered me in eyeshadow and blush, eyeliner and lipgloss, even special concealer for my undereye circles. My face began to feel so weighted down I considered resting my head on the counter.

“I know it might seem like a lot if you’re not used to it,” she told me. “But it will look perfect on camera.”

She was absolutely right if I were auditioning for a role as a hooker in a TV drama.

I have to admit though, I like her glamorous notions of what a romance author’s life is like. Who am I to ruin the fantasy by telling her that instead of dashing between appearances on Oprah and Letterman, I spend most days sitting at my computer with unwashed hair and yoga pants? And who am I to admit that when I do sally forth from my writer cave, I generally look OK even without forty pounds of mascara?

But I didn’t say any of this. She was tremendously sweet and gave me tons of free samples and some pretty good makeup tips. I even bought an overpriced lipstick.

I also gave her my business card so she’d have all the details about my book releases. She studied the card for a long time, then looked at me.“This is a really good picture of you.”

She sounded surprised about that.

It’s the same image I use everywhere, and while I’m wearing only a little mascara and lipstick, I don’t look half bad. Certainly better than I did when I’d walked up to her counter, and certainly no worse than I did wearing eight shades of eyeshadow.

But I thanked her politely and handed over my Visa.

By the time I walked out of the store, I was smiling again. Maybe it was the new lipstick or the pleasure of having someone fuss over me for an hour.

Or maybe it was the thought that while I’ll never be particularly glamorous, I’m pretty lucky to be happy with myself just the way I am.

Well, minus the wrinkles. But I hear Clinque has a really good cream for that.

31 comments
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One of the reasons I never wear make-up is that I'm so disappointed with myself when it comes off!

I brought my sister and nephew to a photoshot the other week, where we were all fancied up for free. When I got to see the pics, I wanted to ask if they had replaced me with someone else, more gorgeous, me. My mother and sister seemed about to question the same but were polite enough to only say "oh, I didn't think you were photogenic at all".

All I can say, I hope the more gorgeous me came with the photo packet. I would like to dust her off every now and then, and take her out dancing.

I can so relate. I have been a recluse of sorts of late. My glasses have broken, which I need to drive and I have been out of thyroid meds (I have no thyroid, so major energy problem) and I am suffering from sleep deprivation.

I haven't spent much time looking at myself. My husband and I ran to walmart around 10 pm the other day. I had to use the restroom. When I went in the restroom around 1030, there was a young woman who was putting on make up from the ground up.

I kind of snorted to myself and shook my head once I was out of sight. When I came out, I went to wash my hands. Well, big fat mirror there.

I looked like Death Warmed Over's ugly stepsister. I came out of RR and told my husband He really loved me. He looks at me like I've all of the sudden grown two heads. So i told him what I thought of my looks and that I now had proof that he loved me.

Fast forward to Sat late afternoon. We are going to the show Sat night. I send him text saying I was going to sex myself up (in looks btw) cuz I no longer wished to go with the death warmed over look. It was too goth for my tastes :P he laughed and said cool, he guessed he would shave then...

Awww. Wish I'd been there. I would have taken you out for mimosas, and then we could have gone and tried on truly trashy clothes together. (This would have cheered you immensely, because they would look way better on you than on me. I would supply the comic relief.)

I hate makeup. Moisturizer, a brush of the bare mineral stuff to even out my skin tone, and some lipstick so I don't look sick (pale lips -- the curse of the blonde) is all I normally do. Maybe twice a year, for special occasions, I'll add some mascara, but usually I hide behind my "author glasses."

As a studly dude I can't really relate, but I will say that are people in Oregon allowed to worry about their complexion? When I lived in Washington it seemed like a forgone conclusion that you would never get any sun. That's why the sparkly vampires moved there.

Ha. I bet, once she saw your photo, she thought you had tricked her into piling all that makeup onto your face.

Makeup kind of freaks me out in general. I usually wear none, and when I do put some on, its weight could be measured in grams, not pounds like this woman put on you. I don't even know if I could sit still while someone did that to my face!

Seeing your business card makes me think that photos on business cards must be a really good idea. How often do you meet new people at conferences, etc., and get their cards but later have no memory of who they are? I think I might feel weird handing people my face on a card, though. Clearly, I have issues.

I LOVE the Clinique counter... I regularly get a group together for a field trip when they do a bonus gift promotion.

I'm opposite of you, Tawna. My hair is always clean and I always wear make up because I cannot stand myself otherwise. The exception is weekends, when I give both skin and hair a break from the ravishes of a week filled with potions, lotions, gels, mousse, shadows, liners, lipsticks, and hairspray.

But when I'm low, yes - having someone fuss over me is such a confidence boost. I hit the Clinique counter for a new eyeshadow. I love when the lab-coated techs gush about my huge brown eyes and teach me ways to emphasize them (while hopefully, de-emphasizing the huge Italian nose beneath them).

They're always trying to push foundation on me, too. And, the $300.00 "dark circle eraser." Don't they know I prefer to go natural? That way, when special occasions occur and I do wear makeup (and shower) people fall to the ground at my radiance. Or, maybe it's because I have too much perfume on?

I love the Clinique woman's idea of what a Romance writer should look like.

LOVE this...though I can honestly say I have never left a make-up counter happier than I was when I arrived. Once I left with enough green eyeshadow and red lipstick to make me look like a regular in the Red Light District and every other time I get assailed by some 20 yr old trying to sell me wrinkle cream. This induces self flagellation so I avoid it..the drug store is the new make-up counter for me... :)

When I spoke with family members this weekend, I mentioned I would need to take a *shudder* picture for my author's page. It goes without saying I'll have to get someone else to fix my hair, but I cannot let someone else do my make-up. I did it for my brother's wedding and felt like a hooker. I use make-up everyday for work, but I use powders, not liquid and having that liquid foundation on my face was awful. I can't do it. *shudders*

I'm sure we've all had one of those days and need something random and different as a pick-me-up (please don't go to the gutter! I said DON'T GO!! ... too late ...). I usually find that playing one of my musical instruments, climbing a tree, or fighting in karate help me, since I'm deffinitely not into the makeup business.

I love the stories you post up here. They never fail to remind me that everyone is human and everyone has their off days.

Now I'm off to put a giant circle around the month of August on the new calander I just bought ... :D

*shrug* I'm more of an elf girl, I like their prices. I like makeup, it makes me feel good and I can show off some of my personality in it. It's fun :)

I know how you feel, though, the week before last I was sick and I went out pale as a sheet, my lips so chapped and dry, with three cold sores on my top lip, my nose all red... not one of my best days :P And I had to sing, too...

Wait? So perfectly coiffed hair and Tammy-Faye Baker lashes aren't a requirement of romance writers? Man... I was totally wrong. :) I almost always have a full face on. At the very least mascera and some powder... the curse of being blond is that I look like a drowned albino rat without any color on my face.

Too funny! Reminds me of when I turned forty. (more years ago than I care to remember) Anyway, a bunch of my friends pooled their money and treated me to an all-day make-over with the one and only Liz Claiborne. Let me tell ya, they gave me the works. Facial, massage, fancy make-up applied with a trowel, hair cut and style, manicure, pedicure, and I even let Ms. Liz talk me into letting her wax my "moustache" and under my eyebrows. (Never, never, EVER again!) The whole treatment even included lunch ... served with wine and a single red rose. Classy, huh? Here's the thing. They wanted to know what I was going to do that night to show off the new "glamorous" self. I smiled and informed them that we were going bowling. Not positive, but I'm pretty sure they thought I was making a joke. What can I say? It was our regular league night...

God, I hate going out in public after I've cried. Or if I cry at ngiht right before I go to sleep I wake up with my eyes practically sealed shut. And then I drag myself into work and everyone's like, " you look tired." Okay, thanks for telling me I look like crap. So good for you for getting a makeover with tons of makeup you don't normally wear. It must feel good sometimes to have someone romanticise writing like that. I can't wait until I can tell someone I'm a YA fantasy author how they react. So...like Twilight? Harry Potter? Um...something like that ;p

This post was perfect. We need to believe we're glamorous, jet setting writers. How else would we survive the endless rejections and criticisms. I'm glad the Clinique girl made you happy. I think I could use a trip.

Malin, sounds like you and your more gorgeous self should go out on the town sometime!

Leona, so which you did your husband prefer? :)

Elisabeth, aw, thanks! Post pics of your sassy new haircut!

Linda G, funny, I have a future blog post in mind where I talk about how friends used to take me out and try slutty clothes on me just so they could laugh (picture me at 13 weighing about 85 pounds with approximately 40 of those pounds being boobs...yeah. It was freakish).

Matthew, I grew up on the rainy side of Oregon, but where I live now (in the high desert of Central Oregon) we boast 300 days of sunshine a year. It's cold and snowy as hell much of the time, bu you can get a nasty sunburn if you aren't careful.

I think he was just happy that I set the ferret free that was living under my arm pits... :P

Plus, I get the Whoa BABY from people when I actually dress up and put make-up on. I have REALLY long eyelashes that are blonde on the ends (don't ask me why). When I put on mascara, it is shocking and my unusual, though not really rare, eyes are put into prominence.

I have a darker outer circle on eyes that change colors with my moods and sometimes with what I'm wearing...