Friday, August 29, 2008

I'm jumping on a bandwagon, setting fire to it, and leaving everyone who noticed said bandwagon writhing in agony at the sight before their eyes. If FADKOG, Ali, and Megan are the fearless pioneers and homesteaders full of Manifest Destiny and expanding west of the Mississipi, I am the Sioux Chief who says "Dude. Remember that treaty and the whole, 'Oh, we promise we aren't going to go anywhere outside of this small band of land we are using as a way to get from one side of the Dakotas to the other,' thing you swore? Yeah, see those Black Hills you and Custer are standing on? Not part of the deal. Best circle your wagons because I'm about to burn them down and adopt your children into my tribe."

The hell? What am I talking about? That's a load of nonsense, and a poor metaphor, but I'm gimping along today because my brain is exhausted from trying to outthink people at a hundred miles an hour, and my hamstring is broken from trying to out-lunge people at a much slower rate of speed than that. I am out of shape, and fencing is hard.

So. What?

I'm talking about a recent spate of lists of things that are awesomeomgilovethem: Things that are "the tits".

Things that are the tits are great. But, you know what? Some things are not the tits. Some things are the moobs. These things suck. They suck like a twisted fetishist gagging on a moob.

Sorry. You don't know what a moob is? Loralee has a picture that ought to make it clear:

(Note: I am in no way implying that this is a picture that Loralee took of herself. Don't send me hate mail. That means you, Tanis.)

Ok, now that you have the idea (and if you still don't I'll spell it out: Man-Boob. Moob.), here is a list of Things That Are "The Moobs":

Big Bird's Birdketeers. Why can't they just leave Oscar the hell alone? I was watching an episode of Sesame Street and they went up to Oscar's can where he was sleeping or something and just started singing/counting at the top of their lungs and when he came out to say "Yo, @(W)hoorl@(T)hebloggess@(F)adkog dudes?" they laughed and told him he had to sing and count with them. I love kids. I love kids singing. But if some neighbor kids started yelling outside my window while I was napping I'd be grouchy too. I've started to have a lot of sympathy for Oscar. I now call him Oscar the Victim.

Leafblowers. Even worse than the Birdketeers, because these suckers always show up during my naptime. I haven't had a good nap in weeks.

People who wave me through at intersections. I know, this sounds weird, right? I mean, what could be mooby about people who stop their cars at stop signs and insist that I go first, whether I'm on my bike or driving? They're so nice. Yes. But if I'm driving or on my bike I don't need people to be nice. I need them to be predictable. So when I stop at an intersection I just need everyone to do what they are supposed to do as good drivers, and the world will work like clockwork and I don't have to sit there insisting that "No, really, you go and stop making me look like an ass for waiting my turn."

Politics. Stop making me look like an chump for playing fair.

Yes Dear. Because every time I watch this stupid show (why am I watching it???) I think "Yeah, brutha! Tell it like it is! Kids really are like that! Marriage really is like that!" Dammit. Then I take a nap (or try to, if the leafblowers aren't out) and when I wake up I remember: this show sucks.

Hamstrings. Because when they hurt they hurt in a way you don't notice until you stand up and try to chase your daughter around the living room.

Moobs.Because. Seriously.

The end of summer. Because as the summer ends, so too does my year at home with Erin. I return to school full time at the end of September, and Erin goes into daycare. That's all I have to say about that right now.

People that fish for compliments... it's annoying. When someone asks if they look fat in something (when they know damn well they don't) I tell them "Hell, YES!" It takes care of the problem- they don't ask me for my opinion after that.

"Max and Ruby". 'Nuff said.

The "new" apple pies from McDonalds- by now they're old, but I like the old, old ones better.

Severely old and/or overweight women who insist on making sure the whole world KNOWS they are wearing thongs.

Osacr's got it easy. The REAL victim on that show is Bert. Poor, poor Bert. I've had some shit roommates in my life, but none of them EVER woke me up in the middle of the night to sing so loudly about what good friends we were that I ended up on the floor of the kitchen just to get a little sleep.

I hate Ernie almost as much as I hate Elmo. And I've also given the social dynamics on Sesame Street WAY too much thought.

I am so with you and lori about the people at intersections. They drive me nuts! Let's just all pay attention and go on our turn, mkay?

Another driving one for the list is people who don't know how to drive into, around and out of traffic circles. It's pretty common sense, and there are appropriate yield signs posted. What is wrong with people?

I agree with you on Oscar. You know who else was given the short end of the stick? Nellie Olson. I know we all remember she was so mean or whatever but when my kids where watching reruns of that show recently (while asking me if that was what my childhood was like...gee thanks) I noticed that Laura was just as mean. Sometimes meaner.

I also hate those wavers. I call them "Magnanimous Assholes". Just follow traffic rules would you and stop trying to make yourself feel so great about your willingness to push your brake pedal.

ARguing iwth a four-year-old is also the moobs. As is my house and the fact that I have two days left before Pumpkinpie starts school and another two before the Bun comes out, and won't be spending any of it doing fun things with the kid or relaxing. Moobs, I tell you. And moobs are yucky.

bejewell: oh, poor bert. at least it's his boyfriend doing it though, and not a bunch of random kids egged on by a giant bird.

loralee: see what happened there? I denied they were yours, RNM accused me of posting a pic of mine, and then you come along and out them as hers. I guess by "errant chin hair" she really meant "boob carpet".

manager mom: you can thank me later.

kt: even moobs need love, kt.

undomestic diva: oh no. Now I'll never be able to look at that pic without thinking of moobsticles.

kelley: You're a pirate? Did you know that there's a national pirate day coming up at some point soon? of course you did.

jenny the bloggess: yeah. he's an oblivious dick, though so he's all "Who me?"

ashley: I'm allergic to moob dander.

loudange: bill me. :}

caramam: European Vacation. I went to Ireland a couple of years ago and drove and they have nothing but traffic circles everywhere. I was so awesome at it by the time I came home.

whensheworeponytails: "magnanimous assholes" is perfect. Perfect.

kittenpie: I'm totally replying to this after your due date!!! Is the baby here??

I am totally two-sided with the whole "wave across" thing. When I am driving I want bike riders and people walking to go before me. When I am walking I want the car to go first and will stand way back and pretend to ignore them until they go. I totally have trust issues... I don't trust idiot pedestrians to not run in front of my car (it has happened too many times, damn lemmings), and I don't trust cars not to go and hit me (this has almost happened several times). Other cars I only wave when I think it is their turn or I am not sure who got there first and want to avoid the awkward stand off.

I HATE that summer is over, it is getting down into the 40's at night, snow is likely not far behind...

Oh my god, I stopped reading at "People who wave me through intersections." Because, YES! Someone else is saying something I think all the time. I DON'T NEED YOU (other drivers) TO TELL ME WHEN TO GO. BUT THANKS. AND EFF OFF.