Reason for monitoring: CoI possesses various ontokinetic capabilities and is a direct threat to normalcy.

Course of Action: Immediate containment

Priority: High

Status: Currently believed to be engaging with hostile Selachian threats against protocol.

Background Information: Subject is a white Heron of unknown genus, measuring approximately 1.6 meters in height. CoI-9731 is believed to have been created by the Gamers Against Weed on 30/09/2023. The group attempted a series of arcane rituals to invoke various high-level thaumaturgic abilities, as well as the ability to vocalize in human languages, into a common Heron. At the time, its creation was intended as a method to facilitate an active partnership with a Class VIII ontokinetic entity known as [DATA EXPUNGED] as all previous attempts at making contact with the entity had failed.

On 22/10/2023, after further attempts at contacting [DATA EXPUNGED] had failed, CoI-9731 was repurposed for various humorous uses, including practical jokes, pranks, online and offline trolling campaigns, and in one instance, the nomination of CoI-9731 for candidacy in the 2024 American election under the Libertarian Party.

Note: CoI-9731 made exceptional progress in its election campaign, likely due to the coordinated efforts of the Gamers Against Weed and as a product of its own reality-altering abilities. CoI-9731 received 50.1% of the popular vote in the 2024 Libertarian National Convention, surpassing even candidate Vermin Supreme, at 31%. CoI-9731 was projected to continue to make significant efforts towards American presidential candidacy before the Foundation successfully enacted amnesticization efforts in an attempt to hinder CoI-9731.

In mid-2024, after months of using CoI-9731 in numerous successful wide-scale humorous campaigns, CoI-9731 forcibly escaped from a Gamers Against Weed compound, after which local law enforcement reported the incident to Foundation personnel. A raid on the compound found that the basement of the compound was filled with various Gamers Against Weed-typical items, including copious amounts of Doritos, Mountain Dew, and hard drives containing numerous ironic memes. On the first floor, a large living space was apparently dedicated to CoI-9731 and included various elements of furnishing typical for domestic birds.

One element in particular was noted by agents on-site: a laptop containing various documents aligning with those typically accessed by Level 3 Foundation personnel was found in a second floor living space. The laptop also contained a bootleg program similar in appearance and performance to that of the latest iteration of SCiPNET. It was found that Gamers Against Weed had used CoI-9731's ontokinetic thaumaturgic capabilities to access and disseminate top secret Foundation informaton to the rest of the Gamers Against Weed. In addition, multiple documents on anomalous phenomena had apparently been doctored by CoI-9731. A list of documents can be found in the Attached Documents section.

CoI-9731 could not be tracked by the Foundation for approximately 9 months after its escape from the Gamers Against Weed compound. In February 2025, CoI-9731 was finally re-discovered off the coast of Eastern Florida attacking various anomalous Selachian entities, believed to correspond to SCP-████. Upon Foundation intervention, CoI-9731 fled, but not before redirecting the Selachian entities to attack Foundation field agents.

CoI-9731 continues to pursue efforts against Selachian entities and Foundation personnel. The Foundation has attempted correspondence with the Centre for Selachian Pugilism to determine whether CoI-9731 is affiliated with them. The Centre has ignored the Foundation's phone calls.

Attached Documents:

The following documents were found to be doctored by CoI-9731 on a laptop within a derelict Gamers Against Weed compound. They have been transcribed below.

SifSeeker defenestrates blackwing
<SifSeeker>: got you first this time
BlackWing flies out the window and crashes through the wall
<FloppyPhoenix>: ok we're gonna need the defenestration magistrate here
<FloppyPhoenix>: that's a class-A violation of the defenestration commission
BlackWing puts on his defenstration magistrate uniform
<FloppyPhoenix>: wrap it up, boys
SifSeeker defenestrates myself
<BlackWing>: Wot seems to be teh problem 'ere?
<SifSeeker>: *themself
<GLacial>: what ab
<GLacial>: what a paneful death
<FloppyPhoenix>: little sonnie over here thinks it's okay to install this window improperly, and then throw someone out of it
<SifSeeker>: …
SifSeeker grudgingly nods ate GLcial
<BlackWing>: Hmmmm
BlackWing throws FloppyPhoenix out the window
<BlackWing>: Window seems to be up to code.
<BlackWing>: :|
<FloppyPhoenix>: yeah but it's not quadruple paned, y'know how much energy the magistrate is losing here?
BlackWing hands GLacial a gold star
<FloppyPhoenix>: that's almost a violation in itself
<GLacial>: thank you thank you
<FloppyPhoenix>: does someone want to co-write a defenestration magistrate article cus i'll do it
<GLacial>: goi of the month
<FloppyPhoenix>: after the contest tho
<GLacial>: its just a bunch of glass mages
<Metaphysician>: .lc
<jarvis>: metaphysician: SCP-3287: Anti-Baby Gas (written 2 hours ago by OthellotheCat) - http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-3287
<jarvis>: metaphysician: SCP-3297: Gramma Always Remembers. (written 2 hours ago by Uncle Nicolini) - http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-3297
<jarvis>: metaphysician: SCP-3283 (written 2 hours ago by Tek Dek) - http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-3283
<FloppyPhoenix>: my idea is like
<FloppyPhoenix>: write an orientation tale about the defenestration magistrate
<FloppyPhoenix>: and then make some SCPs
<riyangendut>: "Orientation"-style article sounds bit boring tbh
<riyangendut>: "Investigation" would be more interesting
<GLacial>: yeah thats too cliche
<FloppyPhoenix>: investigation?
<GLacial>: drop us right in the action
<riyangendut>: but that's just me
<FloppyPhoenix>: ah
<SifSeeker>: what about a tale told from the perspective of someone who is hurtling through an endless void
<riyangendut>: yeah like an event that let SCPF to discover the Magistrate
<riyangendut>: and then peering deeper into the enigmatic organization
<SifSeeker>: the Initiate's Pane
<FloppyPhoenix>: sifseeker bonus points if they fly out of a window, and then at the end fly into a window
<GLacial>: no have the first thing we read is an assassin taking down a window breaker while he sleeps
<riyangendut>: just to find they're an organization devoted in standardizing windows in the world
<FloppyPhoenix>: that's a cover-up
<taylor_itkin>: .tell theduckman well I think you'll like Origin's new system a look better
<jarvis>: taylor_itkin: Sent.
<GLacial>: make them glass empaths that feel window pain
<SifSeeker>: An agent was thrown through the Initiate's Pane
<GLacial>: haha window pane
<SifSeeker>: taylor_itkin: there's a new system?
<FloppyPhoenix>: initiate's pane's a good name
<taylor_itkin>: soomn
<taylor_itkin>: soon*
<SifSeeker>: I need to finish making my character
<riyangendut>: "I peered through the window, to see a glimpse of windowless humanity"
<Bunton>: https://youtu.be/Pg08-j_sTbQ
<jarvis>: bunton: Jim was away and just got home…everyone is so happy to see him. - length 48s - 4932↑142↓ - 457,780 views - Orphaned Wildlife Center on 2016-11-12
<SifSeeker>: is it a completely new system?
<FloppyPhoenix>: you stare into the window
<FloppyPhoenix>: and the window stares back
<FloppyPhoenix>: it's waiting
<FloppyPhoenix>: are you ready?
<FloppyPhoenix>: because it is
<Ensophos>: That was poetry.
CaptainKirby reminds self to finish defenestration skip after doomcon
<Ensophos>: How many defenstration skips are there going to be?
<CaptainKirby>: One
<CaptainKirby>: And it will be glorious
<FloppyPhoenix>: until you get thrown out of it
<SifSeeker>: I mean we're debating a GOI
<Ensophos>: (Watch, there's going to be more defenestration skips than Doomcon skips)
<BlackWing>: https://goo.gl/W6ETnj
<CaptainKirby>: Ensophos: I mean, M_E and I are actually collabing on one
<FloppyPhoenix>: kirby if you mention "the Defenestration Magistrate" in this article i will love you forever
<SifSeeker>: the Initiate's Pane is an empty window, that has glass once every 37 years. If you get hurled through the window, you hurtle through a void hearing whispers and seeing visions until you accept your role as a new member of the Defenestration Magistrate
<GLacial>: yo i got a concept for a new skip
<GLacial>: mind if i run it by you?
<FloppyPhoenix>: DM meetings occur after you enter a thaumic pane, which transports you to one of their top secret facility in the initiate's pane
<GLacial>: portals ooh
*** CaptainKirby is now known as CaptainAFKirby
<FloppyPhoenix>: do the scip run-by-ing
<SifSeeker>: they can travel using a shard of the pane embedded in their body
<SifSeeker>: there are a limited number of people, limited by the shards left in the window
<BlackWing>: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CX11yw6YL1wTITLE:
<jarvis>: blackwing: Céline Dion - Ashes (from the Deadpool 2 Motion Picture Soundtrack) - length 3m54s - 486920↑11761↓ - 22,709,774 views - CelineDionVEVO on 2018-05-03
<FloppyPhoenix>: they contain fenestrated occurrences, or FOs, using windows with extradimensional panes that intersect with the initiate's pane

Tale: Bread Jesus x Garlic Bread Satan (3305 x 3464)

Tale: Crispy Sex Pirates (CSP) in the SPC universe

Closing remarks:

The day the Foundation loses to a bird is the day the Foundation has failed humanity. Find it. If I see another fake entry uploaded to SCiPNET I'm going to blow a gasket.