The someone I am, in spite of infertility, recurrent miscarriage and failed adoption - and now, the adoption of our son

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Anything for You

That Gloria Estefan song popped into my head as I finished my shower. Not every lyric applies to how I feel with the failed adoption, but a lot of it does. Mostly, the title.

Anything for you
Though you're not here
...
Still I can't figure what went wrong.

I'm doing the PINK method diet that was on Dr. Phil. Yep, so I'm laying that out there. It starts with a (for me, depending on your starting weight) 14-day reset, or cleanse. Sigh. This is the first time I've done one of these in my life, other than a few weeks of no carbs, lots of meat and cheese before a friend's wedding. I have a shake for breakfast with whey protein powder, almond milk and fruit, then a 4 oz portion of protein, enough to fit in the palm of your hand, with unlimited vegetables for lunch and ditto for dinner. Simple enough. Carrying out, not so simple.

I'm an emotional eater - see my last post. So giving up chocolate, chips, Zax#by's, Die%t Coke, you name it and well, it hurts. I've had some headaches, dizziness, felt very tired, but really, it's not too bad. The scale says I've lost 3 pounds, and while I know that's water weight, at least I'm not carrying it around.

I'll be honest, this lifestyle change, which is exactly what I plan for it be, scared me. What if I fail? And I feel that way every day. But, I had come to a crossroads, not only in my heart but in my 'food life'. I could tell that if I didn't make a change, I was going to throw caution to the wind and gain 20 or more pounds. Food was becoming a closer friend that I needed it to be. We were essentially living on fast food, which when I have my children (thanking God for them before they get here!), is no way to live. DH is on his own right now, poor thing. He did try some of my cauliflower and carrot soup, and graciously ate his Wend*y's in the car before coming inside. :) I'm simply too vulnerable for him to bring it in the house.

After the 14 day reset, then you get to slowly add back in certain specified carbs, like a pear. Oh that pear! I can hardly wait! Fruit was always my go-to when I tried to eat healthy in the past. Then, and this is the kicker, you do the exercise DVDs that come with the PINK kit. I've heard they are tough, and they require a daily routine. !!!! However, I'm taking this one meal at a time, and that's too far down the road right now.

My goal is to lose 25 pounds. Oh, boy.

And I'd do anything for you.
In spite of it all
I've learned so much from you
You've made me strong

This pain has been unlike any I've experienced before. I'd never allowed myself to dream of my child like I did Isaac, wash baby clothes, read books on parenting. We took parenting classes at our local hospital (how I longed to just be able to go THERE to get my baby - instead of hoping someone would place their child in my arms 15 hours away). DH's office staff held a baby shower on a Sunday afternoon for us, complete with games and the cutest cake. We took so many pictures. I got to write a lot of thank you notes, thanking them most of all for being a part of such a special time in our lives.

My pain was and still is, ever before me. It taunts me when I reach into my SUV's back seat and see the car seat base there. I walk past the closed nursery door still. My arms long to hold a little one. It's easy to hate my body for 'letting me down' - expressed in my life through infertility and miscarriage. Yes, my heart has been broken more than I ever thought possible by all of this, but my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit 1 Corinthians 6:19. And I have been bought with a price 6:20. So since I have a few weeks of less hours at work, it just seemed like the time to do this fell in my lap.

3 comments:

Having packed on a ton of extra lbs during 4 yrs of infertility & loss, I can completely understand! Food was & is my friend, so much so that I gave up sugar for January! Praying you do well with the weight loss & feel better physically. The emotional pain is harder & takes way longer! Sending some extra love your way right now! Take that base out of your car, hide everything in the nursery & keep the door shut, or go sit in there and cry when you need to!

Wishing you all the best as you try to change your eating habits. I'm struggling with that, too, and trying to kick a fast food habit that snowballed after my last miscarriage years ago. Much like Deni said, I've also got quite a bit of unwanted extra pounds from my IF/RPL years that I'd love to let go of. It's just so hard to find the will power to get there. I applaud you!

Still praying that the Lord will comfort you during this time... however long it takes. I can only imagine what you're going through and it just breaks my heart. Thinking of you.

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When you are joyful, be joyful; when you are sad, be sad. If God has given you a sweet cup, don’t make it bitter; and if He has given you a bitter cup, don’t try and make it sweet; take things as they come. Shade of His Hand, 1226 L, Oswald Chambers