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Today’s Column

Obsessions are unhealthy at best

I’m obsessed with a female work colleague who already has a boyfriend.

It’s getting out of hand since I try to bump into her at work, and then feel deflated when it doesn’t happen.

I decided to avoid her to not seem too keen on her.
I think she knows I like her as I’d mentioned to another work colleague about how pretty she is.

It was said out of jealously of other guys who find her attractive. Within hours she seemed dead-interested in being social with me, so I suspect that something was reported to her.

Also, when I next chatted with her online, the message seemed to bear kisses, which was unusual for her… but she could’ve just been friendly. Or it could be coincidental.

I thought about being honest and telling her what happened. But then I thought it might be best to leave things as is.

Pretty Woman Obsession

This sounds like a hyper crush: You’re thinking about her all day, interpreting her every word or text as hugely meaningful, then doubting yourself and retreating.

Meanwhile, she has a boyfriend. That’s the reality that makes your self-described “obsession” not only unproductive, but also self-defeating.

It’s affecting your confidence in yourself, which is counter-productive in the sensitive/emotional world of relationships.

It’s time to hold back, focus on your inner strengths. Get into a fitness routine, concentrate on your tasks at work, socialize with friends, and visit close family.

All this will help restore your ability to appreciate the satisfying parts of your life.

Whether for this woman (who’s unavailable for dating) or someone else you meet, defeating an obsession is a healthy self-image builder.

I’m a woman, mid-40s, who, along with many friends from the same area, moved with our spouses to the big city over the past 15 years.

Now, my husband and I are the only couple who, among those friends, haven’t divorced. And it’s making our long-time friendships very complicated.

I went to grade school with six of the women, and high school with all of them. My husband was as close growing up with the guys my girlfriends dated, then married.

We were admired in our community for our loyalty to each other, and the shared pride and fun at all the celebrations of weddings, children’s births, etc.

But the moves, new jobs, child-raising stresses, etc. took a toll and the other couples’ marriages started to unravel.

My husband and I are at a loss how to handle the social fallout from this.

I keep in touch with my girlfriends, he with his guy friends (though we miss the friendships with opposite-sex pals).

But we’re unable to invite both sides to a dinner gathering or event, even though we used to go out as couples.

Some have found significant others, but that doesn’t mean they want to socialize with their ex-spouses.

How do we handle this?

Losing Divorced Friends

For large events/celebrations where people can be seated at different tables invite both “sides” and it’s up to them who attends or not.

For smaller dinners at home or out, continue with “girls’ nights” but find out if, with some, it’s okay if your husband drops by or even joins the group to see his former friends too.

Try the same approach with your spouse’s buddies, with you dropping by or joining them.

Note: Don’t either of you do this if someone resents you still “supporting” an ex with whom there’s major animosity.

FEEDBACK Regarding the mother of the girl who posted diametrically opposed views on abortion to those of her mother on social media (June 18):

Reader – “I just wanted to say that I agree with your response to the mother that this wasn't about her views, but about those of her daughter.

“Also, and that at this stage (the scary teenage years) of the girl’s life, the views of her daughter's age cohorts were more important to her than those of her mother.

“You rightfully pointed out that the daughter will, in all likelihood, be slammed on social media by others with opposing views and, no doubt, some of these comments sent her way will be hateful and ugly.

“In this way, she’ll learn the consequences of posting on social media and this will be a far greater lesson to her than that of her mother attempting to control her.”

Tip of the day:

An adult “crush” obvious among work colleagues can be self-defeating. Focus on your strengths for greater self-confidence.