Trouble from the Telephone

by Kathy Devine, Queens, New York

Okay, so I said I wouldn't answer the 'phone after 10 p.m. anymore. It was just automatic, I swear! Poor Bob had a stiff neck, and I was applying an amber liquid given to me by my friend Bei Bei, a dancer from China, who swears by it. The cats were all nestling peacefully in the crooks and corners of his limbs. The 'phone rang and without thinking, I picked it up. It was a good friend, and we began to chat. Meanwhile, I kept liberally sprinkling the amber stuff onto Bob's neck, rubbing it in every sentence or so.

Suddenly he jumped up, screaming, oh s**t, it burns! He made a dash for the bathroom. Unfortunately, the cats decided to exit at the same time. Without stumbling, Bob leaped among the flying bodies like an athlete running through a line of tires. Except these were not stationary. Leaping and twirling, he made it to the bathroom in one piece, and frantically began scrubbing his neck. Little Johnny Boy was not so lucky. He detoured into my daughter's room, where a game was on the floor. It was "ants in your pants" - a pair of plastic pants with suspenders and little ants you try to pop in (okay, I didn't buy it, it was a hand-me-down). Johnny still has one bad eye. Maybe it was that or the speed at which he was traveling, but he got caught in the game and began to drag it around in a panic, plastic ants flying everywhere.

This created a new stampede, cats dodging flying plastic ants everywhere, with me running after, while Bob was yelling, "a little help in here, please!" My daughter helped by laughing. Johnny-boy untangled himself and went into hiding. None of them came back to bed all night, not even the unflappable Tuxedo. I forgot to mention the amber liquid has a strong-ish but not unpleasant odor, which might not have helped. I finally remembered my friend on the 'phone. She was laughing. "Bei-Bei gave me that stuff too. Tell Bob if it doesn't burn, it's not working." He was loath to believe her, 'cause his neck was red and raw. But his stiff neck was gone by morning. And the cats were back! Now I unplug the 'phone at night, to remove temptation. (there's still e-mail!!!!!!)

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