Nike Announces They’re All Out of Basketball Shoe Design Ideas

Nike's basketball division announced today it has shuttered its shoe design department and from now on will only sell remakes of past basketball shoes.

"For decades we've been killing ourselves trying to come up with original look after original look for a functional item that is about 12 inches by four inches," said Charlie Denson, president of Nike Brand. "It's just not possible after a while."

Designers met earlier this week to plan the 2013 fall line and quickly made the decision.

"We were in the design meeting and realized that every new idea had already been done," said Denson. "Suddenly we all just kind of said: 'You know what? We've done everything that's possible. Everything. There is nothing else to do. F—k it. We're done.'"

Nike founder Phil Knight said he is "100-percent on board with the decision."

"You know, this has actually been a long time coming," said Knight. "You can only make a shoe so many ways. You can only add so many seams or zippers or color patches or straps or goddam air pockets. We've done it all. Every combination and permutation. We could sell some slightly modified crap and pretend it's new, but we would never do that here at Nike. That's now how we operate."

Nike's announcement means the release of the Air Jordan XX8 will be the last new basketball shoe design issued by the company.

"The Air Jordan XX8's look like a basketball shoe if a basketball shoe was born with foreskin," said Knight. "So, yeah, we were obviously out of ideas. We're going out with these Jordan penis shoes."