Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the web’s original erotic site for women by women. With over 16 years’ experience of writing about and for the adult entertainment industry under her belt, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

Is nothing sacred anymore?

In a sad indication of just how low some women will sag (even before Father Time takes care of that for them), word is that the 2013 Miss Bumbum competition – the contest that officially designates the owner of Brazil’s best booty – has been marred by corruption, with two top contestants allegedly forking over thousands of dollars to judges in order to put in the fix for their own fannies.

The Mensalao case was bad enough, but if these allegations are true, Brazil’s culture of corruption is truly scraping the bottom of the barrel. Not only does this situation shake the fleshy foundation of confidence in the integrity of the Miss Bumbum competition, it calls into question the very primacy of Brazilian posteriors, in general.

Brazil’s O Dia newspaper apparently first reported the news that contestant Mari Sousa had prevailed in the bodacious buttock-bidding war, and has already been silently declared the victor as a result of the gluteal graft taking place behind the scenes at the Miss Bumbum pageant.

As you might imagine, the rest of the competitors aren’t taking this news laying face-down, and they’ve taken to social media and traditional press outlets alike to protest the backdoor dealings that have come to taint Miss Bumbum.

“I’m very sad because the result isn’t deserved, and her bottom isn’t the most beautiful, which in a serious contest would be more right,” said jilted jiggler Poliana Lopes, according to the UK’s Daily Mail. “I hope filling her pockets with money makes her happy.”

Beyond the confines of the competition, it’s not the filling of pockets that should concern the rest of us, because making matters far worse, the other booty babe accused of offering bribes also stands of accused of having a fake ass.

That’s right; 25 year-old Eliana Amaral, who might just go down as the Lance Armstrong of ass competitions, is also accused of sporting buttock implants – a fact she allegedly concealed through deception, using a fake x-ray to lubricate her entry into Brazil’s ballyhooed butt battle!

This is why the story is big news, and not just of concern to the women who stood to reap lucrative endorsement deals and oodles of fat-fanny fame that comes with wearing the Miss Bumbum crown – not because we really give a rat’s ass who ultimately prevails in the Battle of the Brazilian Butt-Bulge, but because we have a God-given right to know that the ass we’re either drooling over (that would be you, fellas), or taking a few minutes to inspect before cattily cataloging its every pimple and flaw (we ladies will handle that part, gents) is, at the very least, a genuine gluteus maximus, and not some miracle of modern surgery been grafted into a G-string!

Not since its last own-goal scored during a World Cup competition (a transgression for which the culprit was presumably and rightfully executed, one hopes) has the national prestige of Brazil taken such a hit. At this point, it isn’t enough to simply bounce Amaral and Sousa from the competition; there must be a thorough investigation to get to the bottom of it all – a “corruption enema,” if you will – to cleanse Miss Bumbum of all the blockages preventing a just and equitable outcome.

The Ben Wa Ball is in your court, Brazil. Will you put some ass into it and make sure the right thing happens in the end, or sit on the truth and hope everyone forgets about the festering pimple on your national pride?

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