We Need to Talk About Cynthia Erivo's Perfection

A few months ago, the Tony-winning beltress ran the Brooklyn Half Marathon and then—later that day—did two performances of The Color Purple, in which she plays the lead character, Celie. LATER THAT DAY. Within the same 24 space hours. The planet had yet to complete a full rotation and she'd already run 6,000 miles (or whatever a half marathon is) and twice blown the roof off with "I'm Here."

Getty ImagesTheo Wargo

At the time I sent her a strongly worded warning written in glitter marker that read "You're everything. OMG stop this. Just go to brunch like the rest of us. Love forever, Beyoncé."

(I sign all my correspondence "Love forever, Beyoncé" so that people will take me seriously. And also so that people will always be reminded that Beyoncé loves them. Forever.)

Anyway, I wasn't trying to harsh Cynthia's buzz, but really. First of all, doing a half marathon at all defies comprehension. As I'm sure you're aware, I'm a lifelong anti-running advocate. I'm the leader of the Anti-Movement Movement. I don't understand running that far unless you're being chased by, like, a jaguar. And even then I'd probably stop midway and go "Alright. Ya got me. This is a waste of both of our time. What am I doing in the Serengeti anyway? That's on me. I'm just going to sit down. Feel free to eat me or whatever."

Not only did Cynthia flee a jaguar across the wilds of Brooklyn, but then she hopped the L train back up to Broadway and performed two sold-out shows. (The L stands for giving me LYFE.)

Getty ImagesTheo Wargo

I ran down the stairs to catch the UPS woman yesterday and I am still out of breath.

Anyway, all that is in the past. I thought we had reached an understanding Cynthia. And yet I log on to Instagram and I find this!

A post shared by cynthiaerivo (@cynthiaerivo) on Aug 14, 2016 at 11:49am PDT

How do you explain this?!

I thought we talked about running any distance at all and then performing on stage, Cynthia. You are making those of us who prefer to roll out of bed at 11 a.m. and then live-Tweet things from the couch seem a little uninspiring.

Cynthia ran a mile in 6.36 minutes and then belted for the gawds for, like, five and a half hours. Like, is she trying out for the Rio Olympics? (Legit, I would totally watch a version of the triathlon where you had to swim and then tap dance and then perform "Rose's Turn." I would watch that EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Or an event where two people had to do synchronized diving wearing matching Elphaba and Glinda Speedos while singing "Defying Gravity." I would throw big dollars at that.)

But this! I cannot!

Getty ImagesJamie Squire

Who do you think you are? Patti LuBolt? Elaine Stritch Thompson? Are you appearing in A Little Night Music playing Desiree Arm-phelps?

A post shared by cynthiaerivo (@cynthiaerivo) on Aug 9, 2016 at 8:10am PDT

I would legit buy tickets to a Cirque du Soleil show that was just her in workout clothes doing whatever this is on the rings. I don't even need any music. The soundtrack can just be her coach murmuring encouraging things. In fact, can that be the soundtrack to everything? He sounds really supportive.

A post shared by cynthiaerivo (@cynthiaerivo) on Jun 25, 2016 at 9:55pm PDT

Here she is giving you casual slayage with Ava Duver-slay. Just hanging out being everything.

Getty ImagesBruce Gilkas

Here she is being Absolutely Fabulous. Like her shirt, I am obsessed.

Oh, and this photo is my favorite.

Getty ImagesTheo Wargo

She is straight up just staring at the camera like "I know! I'm envious of myself." This is 100 percent the face any of us would make if we had Oprah's arm around us, Danielle Brooks' hand on our shoulder and a Tony in our purse. Like, this expression destroyed everything on my Vision Board. May we all walk through life with the well-deserved satisfaction of her face in this picture.

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