(Closed) FI had over 12 lap dances at his bachelor’s…

I was not sure if FI’s friends would drag him to a strip club for his bachelor but anyway, I was fine with them going. We did not discuss it at lengtht before, I just told him no contact dance. His party was Saturday, they went to the club and his friends got him more than 12 lap dances (FI doesn’t remember how many exactly). I was shocked and totally hurt by this. To me, 1 or 2, even 3 lap dances would have been part of the deal, and though I don’t quite like the idea, I would have dealt with it. But 12!!! In our city, the girls strip completely, no bottoms, no piece of clothing left. So he had at leat 12 different girls dangling their breasts and much more 6 inches from his nose. I’m so disappointed and crushed.

We had a huge fight about it all. The biggest fight we ever had. I told him he should have stopped it at some point, told his friends it was enough. That having so many girls dancing for him is totally disrespectful to me and our relationship, that it is not just fun and part of the game after the 4th girl. He keeps saying he did not know I’d be so hurt by all of it, that he wishes he could have known beforehand. I answered I could never have imagined him having so many lap dances so I did not feel I needed to set up “rules” for his night, never in a million years.

So it is now 24h after I’ve learned all this and I still sad, mad and disappointed. We have talked about it calmly, but it doesn’t erase what I feel. There’s this shadow on our relationship, this aura of disappointment on both parts. Not where I wanted us just 19 days before our day. I can’t work I’m so messed up by the situation. Any ideas how to overcome this quickly? Forgiveness does not seem to come to me easily on this one…

For one, you’re not alone. There’s a lot of girls who have been in your shoes on the bee.

From my POV however, I don’t understand your “numbers.” What IS the difference between 1-3 and 12? Those one or three are still naked all over him. I’m personally of the no-strip club or strippers crew, but it seems like people either don’t agree or don’t care. I’m confused by the “some is OK” but not more than that. If it’s a violation to your relationship, the 1st one is the same violation as the 8th or 15th.

I’m honestly not sure what I can say to help… other than you need to be honest to yourself and your FI.

Frankly I don’t see the difference between 1 lapdance or 12 lapdances and I’m sure your FI didn’t either (esp if drinking). You are either OK with him going to the strip club and getting lap dances or you aren’t. I think you just need to say to yourself look, I didn’t express to him I had a problem with him getting lapdances (which you clearly do, even if you thought you wouldn’t) and that is on ME. I really don’t think he did anything wrong in this situation honestly. You can’t say you are fine with him going and then turn around and be mad at him for having boobies in his face. That’s not really fair. At this point you need to just take this for what it is – a miscommunication between the two of you, and perhaps a little bit of you not really acknowledging you were uncomfortable with the idea – and learn from that that in the future you need to be honest with yourself and communicate your feelings better. Don’t let it ruin your relationship. They are just boobs.

There is not a whole lot of difference between 1 lap dance and 12. He probably had 12 guys there and they all bought him one. Once he’s there…he doesn’t have a ton of control over the situation. And it probably wasn’t 12 different girls…

Now thinking of my FI with naked women in his face is not my favorite picture, but it’s a whole different issue in my opinion when it is in a public strip club with no touching. The private strippers are much more dangerous.

Does he love you and want you? If so, let it go…bachelor parties are more for the friends than the bachelor these days.

I know this is a heated topic and I know you’ll get a lot of opinions either way, but in the end. It’s already done. He told you all about it and he wants to marry you in 19 days; not some stripper.

Okay i’m a pragmatist. What is the solution to this situation– really? Yea he probably shouldn’t have done that. He hurt you, he disappointed you, he didn’t meet your expectations (although to be fair… your expectations don’t sound particularly clear).

Is he sorry? Do you still want to marry him?

I am betting “yes” on both counts. Don’t hold onto this. Don’t punish him for it. Don’t let this ruin your last few weeks before wedding planning. You’ve told him how you feel and he is sorry. I am sure that you will be much more clear about your expectations in the future, and I’m sure that he’ll be more careful to not hurt you. If you love each other you really should just try to forgive and forget imo.

Wow. I’m trying to imagine how I would find it in me to be ok with this. I’d be devastated.Sometimes guys are clueless as to what we expect if we don’t tell them specifically beforehand (especially when they’re with the guys and there’s drinking involved).

There is no way to change the past, but be honest with him and see how he reacts and how he cooperates with you to ensure that in the future, boundaries are not stepped over, ever again..

If you and your FI have talked it all out…I don’t know what else you can do other than recognize that it was a one night thing…and try to work your way through whatever you are feeling.

I agree with KLP…I don’t understand why the difference in numbers are upsetting….2 or 22…most people either go for all or nothing when it comes to strippers. I don’t mind strippers that keep some clothes on but my FI knows that he would be getting ZERO lap dances with a totally naked stripper…not happening.

Maybe your FI just got carried away and assumed that since you knew he was going to a strip club, and didn’t set limits….he was good.

But I also understand that when the OP said she was okay with her FI going to a strip club, she was expecting a “typical” experience, i.e. 1-2 dances (no contact).

She’s hurt because she’s wondering why her FI thought it was necessary to have more than 12 dances with women, a much higher number than “average” and what the OP expected.

@annieville76: I am so sorry this happened. I feel for you entirely. You two need to be honest with how you feel and come to a mutual solution. And in the future, have more precise groundrules so no one’s feelings have to get hurt. Good luck.

My opinion is and always will be why would my man a few days before my wedding need to have naked women grind on him?

I dont get it and never will. Back in the day when we were young is understandable but at a certain age it just seems ridiculous. If I am what he wants he should not be there especially with 12 pairs of naked tits in his face. My husband isnt a strip club man and finds it gross. He prefers to have me dance LMAO I guess I got lucky. I feel bad for you but like PP have been saying if yous ay its okay you cant get mad for the amount. I am so so sorry for you. I know women try to be “cool” with it and i see you tried and didnt think he would go that far.

And I am sorry I dont care if there is 30 men there. Your man CAN take control unless he is what a young boy?

I’m in the same boat as the other commenters. To me it doesn’t seem like there’s a difference between 1 or 12. I think you have to be 100% okay/not okay with it, there’s no magic number middle ground.

I guess I fall in the “don’t care” side of this. At first the fact that my fiance and his friends went to strip clubs really bothered me. They actually took me once with them (and a couple of other girl friends) so that I could see what it was like. I hated it and quite frankly felt really awful about myself for weeks afterwards. Then I kind of got to a point where it just wasn’t something worth fighting about for me. It’s not my thing, but let them have their fun. There’s not much difference between three or four pairs of boobies versus 12. If they were all drunk enough they may not have even been able to tell which girl was which… heh.

Either way, I would suggest communicating all of your expectations to him beforehand. He can’t read your mind, and honestly most guys just don’t think about this stuff. Since you didn’t set out clear expectations I’d let this one pass, but next time if you communicate clearly to him what is OK and what isn’t and he does it anyway, then you have problems.

I would put it in his court. Tell him that he has made you sad and feel less than special and that you want to be a happy bride who knows her husband thinks the world of her and that he needs to figure out a way to remedy the situation and make you feel uniquely loved again. He messed up, let him figure out how to fix it.

As the other girls have said this seems like a case of you thinking you’d be ok with something and then finding out it bothered you a lot more than you’d think. It’s not your fault that you got upset or that you and he didn’t have an hour long talk about what could or shouldn’t happen.

I think it’s best that you forgive him for the quantity of lap dances (wouldn’t it be weird if he told his buddy’s it was ok and then after 3 said “ok I’ve hit my limit”? At that point they probably wouldn’t have listened anyway) and learn that if you’re having feelings against something don’t just say “ok you can do it, but just a little” It’s like smoking cigarettes. It doesn’t matter if someone smokes 3 or 3 packs, if you’re against it you’re against it. If you’re ok with it, you shouldn’t stand there and count how many they go through.

As someone who has the same mentality as you, in that I don’t really care if they go to a strip club, I think I’d be quite shocked and hurt by the number! I mean geez, I really would be ok with 1 or 2, I could play that off as wanting the bachelor party experience, but over 12! Geez! I can understand were your coming from, the sheer number is what gets to me! I would like to think my FH wouldn’t want THAT many girls on top of him! Obviously I don’t think this means he loves you any less, it very possible that he just let common sense out the window and really didn’t think you’d mind (boys are stupid sometimes). Let him know how upset you are and why, he should totally be apologizing for his actions and should also do something to make it up for you. How would he feel if you had over 12 men grinding up on you!

What is the concern here? Is there a maximum number of boobs he can be around before it’s cheating? Are you legit worried he’s going to leave you for one of these strippers? If the answer is yes, some serious reevaluation is necessary. If the answer is no, then I think you need to chill out and let it go. Seriously – these chicks dance for money. It’s their job. You know how you feel when you’re at work answering phones or typing up reports or whatever it is you do? That’s how they feel when they’re doing lap dances. Any man in his right mind is well aware of that. If you’ve ever had a lap dance, you know that it’s fun, but also more than a little embarrassing. I’m sure what he really wants now is to have to rehash it with you when it was probably just his friends trying (and succeeding) to embarrass him in the first place.

Really, sister – it’s no big deal. A little realism needs to find it’s way into this situation. As someone above said, they’re just boobs.

It sounds to me like you weren’t okay with the idea at all, but because it was his bachelor party, you would ease up a bit, and be okay with a little bit of tomfoolary.. but they pushed the limit of what you were comfortable with.

If that’s why you are angry, that’s what you need to talk to your FI about.

It probably should have been a bachelor party location that should have been avoided, because honestly, you would probably have felt the same way if you found out he had two, you would have just be a little less upset.

Sorry you are going thru this. Talk with him about it, tell him why you are upset, and then you have to be able to let it go.. if you can’t, it will haunt both of you forever..