Monday, March 25, 2013

She had looked for his coming as warriors come,
with the clash of arms and the bugle's call;
But he came instead with as stealthy tread,
Which she did not hear at all

She had thought how his armor would blaze in the sun,
As he rode like a prince to claim his bride:
In the sweet dim light of the falling night
She found him at her side.

She had dreamed how the gaze of his strange, bold eye
Would wake her heart to a sudden glow:
She found in his face the familiar grace
Of a friend she used to know.

She had dreamed how his coming would stir her soul,
As the ocean is stirred by the wild storm's strife:
He brought her the balm of a heavenly calm,
And a peace which crowned her life.

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I was looking at blogs like I usually do each day- one had a poem on it ( a love poem), so I read it and it made me want to read more love poems. I googled some and came across this one.

I thought of you and thought it was perfect. I am very glad you liked it too. To me, it is how we imagine what it will be like to meet "the one" and usually it is not at all what we imagine.

You came as a surprise to me- I didn't know if you would want to even talk to me when I messaged you on facebook- then even more of a surprise when you asked me on a date (finally) and well look at us now.

Then you did come at night- to me night meaning a sad time- a time when I really needed you and there you were making me smile again, bigger than ever even.

And of course you were always a friend of mine and a familiar face- right under my nose the whole time.

I know I get mad at you and fight with you, but that is in any relationship- so it may not always seem like you have brought a calm and peace to my life but you really have; you have and will give me the life I have always dreamed of- a wonderful man to love and to love me back, a family one day, a marriage that lasts a lifetime, a person I can trust and don't have to worry about hurting me with their lack of heart ( because you have one of the biggest ones I've seen in a man besides my daddy and my pawpaw) and I'm sure much more.

I hope to give you everything you dream of

Always, Always

ps. This is one of my favorite entries, and I was hoping to get to it before you go off to Korea. I absolutely love this poem.

I know I sent this to you in a message because you asked for something sweet, but I was thinking of writing about it in here first.

Almost every time I type "I love you" in my phone to you, it types "I live you" instead- both are true. I do of course love you very much, but as weird as it may sound I live you as well. Meaning that I think of you all the time- I wake up and wonder how you are or if you have messaged me.

And back during school, you helped me wake up in the morning because I would get excited to talk to you since you would be off work and still awake. (Now Bjorn wakes me because he will need to go outside).

When I sleep, I hope for sweet dreams about you, and I think of the day when you will be sleeping next to me holding me in your arms.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Todd, I don't think you know how much you have helped me, how much you have changed my life.

After Stuart and I split, I thought that was the end of me. I thought why am I going to school; what is the point now? I thought I would never be happy again. I thought no one would ever love me, and I would never love anyone either- that there was no such thing as being happy forever with someone.

But you- you have changed all of that. You give me hope, you have made me love again. But you were always there- the guy I should have been with, but was too dumb to realize it until after I was married to the wrong guy.

Stuart never really loved me, but you always did. Honestly, Todd, I always loved you too; I just never admitted it or told you I did.

Well now Christmas is over, and I am back home. I am ready for us to spend Christmas together; I am sure you are too. I am thankful that we did get to skype alot though.

I am so happy when I get to talk to you- I know sometimes I don't show it enough especially when I am fighting with you about you not talking to me enough. I am sorry that I give you a hard time about that- I am an attention seeker (and giver).

You have really been trying hard these past few days to talk more, and I appreciate it more than you know. It makes me feel loved, but also it helps us to get to know each other even more. I like learning new things about you- it makes me love you more and more.

I know Christmas is not about the presents, it's about getting to spend time with the people you love- I got to spend time with some of the people I love, but something was missing- I wasn't as happy as I usually would be during the holidays. I don't really know why that was, but I do know for sure you were what was missing.

When I opened my present from you (my heart necklace), I liked it very much- but when you told me that you got it because it's your birthstone and so I could carry you with me, it became even more important to me because it had more meaning than any present I have gotten ever.

I don't expect or want anyone to spend alot of money on me for a gift, but I just want something thoughtful- something that means something special.

And that is why I am writing this for you- for you to have somethign special from me. The pictures that I put in the frame I got you for Christmas are somewhat special. I see that picture of me and you, that you framed for me as a present, sitting on my desk all the time, and I think of you. Now you can see what I see except you got a few more pictures added in there too.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Today I am worrying about you- you said you are going to seek help for depression- I want so much to make you completely happy with life, to take away all the sadness. If I could carry it for you, I would.

But since I can't, the only thing I can do is be here for you. I will always be here for you, Todd, whatever it is. You said you wanted me to love you and not get mad.

Well, I fall in love with you more and more each day and then am surprised that that is possible- to love you more than I already do.

And as for being mad- I am working on not getting mad especially for little things and especially while you are there and not here in person. I need to learn the right way to get mad about something and learn to let go of things.

I never want to become the naggy girlfriend or one day wife. I want to be someone you are proud of, someone that you only can say good things about.

I hope that counseling helps you work through some of the things that are bothering you so that you can feel better. I know that having someone to listen without judgement/bias and come up with suggestions of ways to help yourself feel better has helped me in the past- I just want you to be happy.

I have always thought of myself as a good person compared to alot of other people. Yes, I have done things I am by no means proud of and I am sure there will be things in the future that I do that I won't be proud of. But something I think sets me apart from other people is my conscience or well maybe my big "heart".

I genuinely care about others and want them to be happy. I never want to be "mean" to anyone on purpose even if I think they are a mean person. The only other person in this world that I think has a better "heart" than me is you.

I see a sweetness in you under all of that sarcasm that is hard to describe. I am proud that you would choose me to be your girlfriend. You make me a better person- someone I like.

I see all these people around me that do drugs or drink alot and I hate it. Why would they need to escape like that? Life isn't that bad, is it?

I don't think you know how glad/proud/relieved I am that you don't do drugs or drink very often, and I don't have to worry about any of that with you- that your way of escaping is like mine- go to the movies, hangout with a friend, I don't know anything that we like to do for fun.

You have made me happy again,Todd, something I didn't think I would ever be.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

About a week or two ago, I asked my roommates if there was a day/moment that they knew that they loved each other. Both of them said that they just started hanging out alot and over time they knew.

Well, I asked you the same question and was surprised that you said you knew you loved me at the military ball our senior year of high school. That was about five or so years ago. I came up to you at the ball and started talking to you and somehow it made your night. Had you asked me to dance, I would have said yes.

It's crazy to think that you have loved me that long, and I just let you go-that I didn't see that. I should have grabbed you up quick.

I waited freaking five years before I was ready- ready for an amazing man like you.

I knew I loved you as a friend, since we all started going out for lunch senior year everyday after school. You were the sweet, goofy, nerd that you still are today, but less scraggly (the Marines cleaned you up). You were Todd and there is really no other way to describe you.

And that chuckle of yours that I love so much- you used to do it all the time back then too.

I knew I loved you on August 25, 2012- I know, finally right? It was the day we started talking everyday and the day I made up in my mind that you were the man for me.

Todd, I will always love you with all of me- you have changed my life so much already and I am looking forward to many years of being happy with you.

Today, I went to meet your mom with Bjorn too of course. She loved him- it was different than I thought it would be. You make her seem like more of a cold/mean lady, but she was not like that at all.

She was very nice and somewhat shy-kinda like me I think. They say the person you end up falling in love with is like your mom if you are a guy and well I think maybe that is true.

She gave Bjorn some Christmas presents, and he helped me open them- he loved them of course- a new toy and some bones to chew on. She also got me some presents, which I will be waiting to open later :) I guess maybe that means she likes me- and I know she likes our sweet puppy Bjorn.She also called herself Bjorn's grandma-so that is a good thing.

Chipper, your cat, wasn't very interested in Bjorn- as expected- but he didn't seem to hate him at least. Your mom would bring Chipper over by Bjorn, and he would stay about a minute in her arms and then go away where he could watch us from a distance.

I am hoping we got some good pictures- Leanne came over and took some of Bjorn.

Also your mom was showing me some pictures of your husky Wolf, and I saw some pictures of you in Kindergarten...Well, guess what! I was in your class and there are a few pictures of me in there too- it was so cool to see that.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

So today you got to call me since you were watching the phones-it's weird sometimes how you can change a so-so day into an amazing one. I can't help but smile after getting to talk to you on the phone.

I sent your mom another message on facebook about meeting sometime during my break- since you said something about it. I'm kinda scared to meet her without you there- she kinda intimidates me. I guess since I haven't really talked to her before.

I know this is random, but I love it when you do that cute chuckle of yours- you kept doing it on the phone.

I hope you passed the field day stuff- you need a break, and I need to see your face.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Today, I learned a very valuable lesson- that there are still some things that I need to work on, to change about myself. I knew that I get mad easy and alot of times it was about dumb stuff, but I didn't know I would be that way to you- someone who never deserves for me to be that way to.

I know I already told you, but I am sorry for being mean. I wanted to kick myself after I hung up on you from skype. And even after I said I was sorry I still couldn't quit thinking of how dumb I was.

You have been working so much and you are so far away, how could I be so selfish that I would get mad for you being tired. I don't want to ever do anything to hurt our relationship.

I love you more than you will probably ever know. and I wish more than anything that I would have realized this years ago. Maybe then, this wait for you to come home would have been a little easier- I could of had more time with you before. But enough about the past- the present is looking good and the future is even brighter.

So I am ready for you to get your Christmas package; I sent it Monday, so maybe in another week or so you will get it! I think this is the first Christmas that I have no idea what I am getting, which is very exciting- but honestly just to be able to talk to you would be the best present.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Days are long and nights are cold, the rivers run
I'm swept away down distant paths, the road goes on
From the halls of the free to the tower of torment
Where treasures lie in mountains high
The silent fields of stars so far and wide
The oceans of infinity, the great divide
In the heavens on high is a light so lonely
The evening star that shines so far

When home is far behind and ever the long roads windI keep your memory in my mind, one day I'll repay in kindFor so long as I've gone and so far I've wandered The evening star has shown thus far

River rushing, waters wide, just north of there
Oh that I was home again and home was here
And the fire was warm and the wind would whisper
You're home again, on roofs the rain

Evening star by: tyr

--It is sweet of you to put me in your facebook status- that you have been thinking about me. I had a smile from ear to ear when I saw that, and I feel special/lucky that you would think of me as your evening star.

You surprise me sometimes- you show me little pieces of yourself almost everyday and no, I'm not talking about when you are trying to be funny and joking around. I'm talking about your serious side. Although, I do love it when you make me laugh, it is your caring heart that makes me love you more.

I respect you, and I think that is something special. It's not the kind of respect that I have for others that is a result of me being able to appreciate them for being different- like one of my teachers at school. She can be mean or come off that way becasue she is sarcastic to people and kinda has a good way of making them feel dumb.

Well, I have respect for her because first of all, I think it's kinda funny when she does that except when she does it directly to me, but other people in the class hate her. I see past all that and see that she is one of the smartest teachers.

But, you, it's not having to see past things, it's admiring you for you. Today, you were talking about your father and how you are trying to put him as one of your dependents so that you can help him be able to go to the doctor (if he will go) to get help for his memory problems. You have the biggest heart out of everyone I know (besides myself, I think we are pretty tied).

I also think it makes me admire you when you talk about doing the colours- The way you have so much honor in doing it.