Sunday, October 13, 2013

A Bird in the House!

(...Not my real last name. My mom has qualms about sharing "real" personal information on the internet. First names, however, are the same. Usually. )

7:45 a.m.

Mom had already run 8 miles, showered, dried her hair, woken up the boys for the first time, applied her makeup, started breakfast, woken up my brothers for the SECOND time and ended up in the laundry room to start the FIRST load of laundry for the day.

Since she was baking a particularly fragrant breakfast she had opened the windows and doors to the kitchen to allow for a breeze before retreating to the laundry room.

In case you can't tell - my mom is kind of like wonder woman.

After their second wake up call, my two brothers still living at home came trudging down the stairs to await their homemade breakfast.

If you've ever teenage boys come down the stairs for breakfast you know how pathetic this scene is.

Rylan, the youngest of the brothers, has an unhealthy obsession with his "6-pack when he lays down." This obsession, and the fact that he considers himself quite sexy, leave him frequently lounging about in nothing more than his boxers.

Thank goodness he doesn't prefer briefs.

His inability to clothe himself regularly is a common source of conflict at the Fuller house.

This morning was no different than any other - Rylan descended the stairs shirtless.

An unfortunate choice given the impending events.

So... heavy-eyed, sluggish and, in Rylan's case, almost naked, the two lumbered down.

Had they been fully awake and cognitively functional they would have seen this:

Instead the scene was ignored until something, nippy air on his shirtless body I presume, pried Rylan's eyes all the way open.

He reacted loudly.

This scared the bird.

Cory, in turn, reacted loudly.

They were both fully awake at this point.

Rylan moved to safety.

Then they called for a big strong protector:

My mom, who had been dutifully laundering the clothing in the other room, came out to see what the ruckus was all about.

She found out quite quickly.

Rylan and mom set about defending the home from the rogue bird, grabbing the first item that could be used for weaponry and considering themselves armed.

They were out for bird blood.

8:10

I happen to live across the street from my parents. At 8 A.M. I was up and attempting to cook my own breakfast.

I was all set up and ready to make some delicious french toast when I realized I had no eggs.

Since I conveniently live 15 yards from my mother's house - and I often treat her pantry as a grocery store anyway - I started out to procure eggs for the soon to be delicious french toast.

The doors were open, so I didn't knock.

I rounded the corner from the Hallway to the kitchen with a cheerful greeting:

This is what I saw:
Cory was screaming like a little princess.

It was not a typical morning.

I was not about to miss out on this opportunity so I suited up too, arming myself with a nearby LaCross stick.

The next 20 minutes went something like this:

So we decided to trap him in the laundry room.

The three of us herded him towards the door with our loud voice and vicious weapons.

It worked.

There happens to be a door leading outdoors in the laundry room.

We sent the shirtless wonder in to open it up, without letting the bird back into the main house of course, and hoped the bird would fly out on his own.

We left Mr. Bird alone for about 30 minutes.

Cory re-surfaced during that time and brought our little sister with him.

And then there were 5.

9:00 A.M.

There were window banging sounds and wing flapping wind swooshes coming from the other side of the laundry room door.

It was obvious the bird was not bright enough to find his own way out of the wide open porch door.

An idea was hatched.

Birds don't like loud noises.

Dogs bark very loudly.

Birds also do not like Dogs.

Birds flee from Dogs.

We should get the dogs to chase the bird out.

Cory disappeared to hatch his own plan.

This is Duke.

Duke is a mut. His mom is a lab and his dad was a neighborly Blue Heeler.

Originally Duke was a normal sized labrador looking dog.

He has since developed an appetite for everything - edible and otherwise.

He eats the cat's food, his food, his friend Mogli's food and various things he steals out of the trash can daily.

He is a fat Duke.

He's so fat, in fact, he makes a pyramid shape when he sits.

He's so fat we literally cannot put a collar on him because his neck is significantly thicker than his head.

Don't think we are terrible pet owners - we have tried many times to put Duke on a diet, but he will honestly eat ANYTHING.

Moral of this side story - Duke is fat. Duke eats everything.

Anyway - we called Duke in to scare the bird out of the laundry room.

Initially, it was almost working.

Instead of scaring the bird out the door, Duke just scared it into the opposite corner of the room.

Obviously Duke just needed to be on the other side of the bird, so it could scare it into the OTHER corner. The Corner with the door in it.

So Rylan helped Duke out.

He lifted Duke up to get the bird out of the corner.

It worked.

Not exactly the way we had intended it to though...

Duke ate the bird.

We tried to Cover Brooky's eyes but it was too late. She saw the whole thing.