Well, dear readers, I went home to Michigan for the weekend. And I feared that if my mother saw her firstborn son channeling a Viking’s mighty face foliage, she would collapse in terror and awe. I spent most of Friday attacking the beard with a variety of lawnmower blades, machetes and polearms. The beard grabbed most and snapped them in half. But my will was strong. Armed with a blowtorch and shaving cream forged with kerosene, I managed to land a decisive blow. The beard fell to the sink with a mighty thud. And I collapsed from the strain of battle.

Was it real? Could one man wield a beard so mighty? Did we live through Beardpocalypse ’08?

Yes. Our children will sing folk songs about it.

* While in Michigan, my family and I ate at a restaurant touting “Chicago-style” pizza. To everyone outside Chicago, “Chicago-style” just means thick crust. The pizza we had was good, but it had no more claim to “Chicago-style” than Pizza Hut’s traditional pan pizza. I refuse to stand for pizza blasphemy.

* On this morning’s show, I rolled out a portion of this video, describing the most attractive ways to dance. When it was over, Zoraida confessed that she was “bored” throughout. Not every news show offers such candid self-assessment.

* Thanks to the failing economy, more Americans are paying for goods and services with green paper rectangles. I think I read about those in history class.

* 28 years after his death, John Lennon gets a pardon from the Vatican over the whole “bigger than Jesus” thing. So for those of you holding a grudge, follow the Vatican’s lead and wait 28 years after your rival’s death to offer forgiveness.

* This story has all three ingredients you need for an entertaining read: 1) Thailand. 2) Military guy. 3) Dropping snakes from a helicopter to attack your foes.