Date: Wed, 26 Dec 2001 20:16:18 +0000
From: J J
Subject: Sans Vous, Je Suis Rien - Part Six
Well, here I am again, trying to think of something to say. I guess it has
to include my email address for all those comments, svjsr@hotmail.com. It
should really include some sort of disclaimer to placate the lawyers of the
people in the real world who are the same as the characters in here only in
name.
But all that seems like too much effort; here's what you came for:
Chapter Fifteen
I was woken by the strong morning sunlight as it streamed through my
window. The ever-present sound of the waves on the shore was companied by
the occasional call of a bird. Down the hallway I could hear people
talking and, from time to time, a shrill laughter, which I knew belonged to
a certain Ms. Britney Spears. Clearly Justin wasn't up yet, or she would
have been yelling the place down.
I swung myself out of bed and waited for that feeling that says 'You've got
a hang-over', it didn't come.
"Shit, I must have slept in late" I commented before heading into the en
suite for my morning routine.
I climbed in to the shower, standing right where Justin and I had stood
together only a few hours ago.
'What have I done?' I thought to myself. In my heart I knew that I had
probably put a stop to his marriage. After nearly a fortnight of avoidance
and lying I had spent one day with him and done exactly what I had set out
not to do. Yet it felt so right, as if it was meant to be. How could that
be wrong? I knew how, if doing it meant that I was ruining lives and
careers in the process.
A contented smile spread across my lips as I remembered the look in
Justin's eyes before he kissed me, my skin tingled as I recalled the tender
caress of Justin's fingers, and tears filled my eyes as I pictured the look
on Justin's face as I left him sitting on his bed. The fact that I had
stopped was a minor blessing, but it didn't atone for the deeds done, not
by a long shot.
I shut the water off and stepped out the shower to dry myself. I shaved
and primped myself keeping my mind from wandering from the task in hand.
When I had finished I looked over to Justin's door. I was in half a mind
to go in there just to make sure he was OK after I left him and to ensure
he understood fully why I had to. I placed my hand on the doorknob and
then thought better of it. I turned and went back into my bedroom.
I managed to find some suitable clothes after digging in my suitcase for a
while and climbed into them before opening my bedroom door and stepping out
to face the consequences of the previous night.
I wandered down the hallway and into the kitchen.
"Good morning" Lance said, seeing me enter.
"Hey" I replied. I heard Britney's laugh again and looked to see where she
was.
"Morning Darren" Britney said from over the other side of the breakfast bar
where she was sitting on Justin's lap.
I stood, startled, and stared at the couple before Lance knocked me on his
way past.
"Hello" I managed to get out.
"Not a morning person, are you?" Britney laughed with Justin.
"Urm, well not after last night" I answered looking at Justin who simply
stared back as if he had forgotten everything that had occurred during the
night.
"Do you want any coffee?" Lance asked as he poured out three mug-fulls.
"Sure" I said, "I think I need something to clear my head." Lance
sniggered.
"Well, you look better than when I last saw you" Britney commented, "You're
not lying in Justin's bed about to fall unconscious"
I laughed.
"I've still got a bit of a bruise from that evening" I replied.
"It's not that bad though?" Justin questioned. I could tell that he was
trying to think back to the shower to see if he had noticed anything.
"That's good" Britney commented, snuggling closer to Justin. She whispered
something in his ear that made him blush. "We're gonna head outside"
Britney said as she and Justin rose from their seat.
"Well, Britney seems a little frisky this A.M." I said dourly as the couple
closed the French-doors behind them.
"Someone needs to be lively to counteract your mood" Lance joked.
"Hey, I've only just gotten up!" I protested, "Plus, I had a bad night."
"I know" Lance said, I dropped my coffee mug out of shock sending shards of
pottery and the hot liquid all over the kitchen floor.
"What did you say?" I asked Lance.
"Well, I found the empty champagne bottle" Lance stated as he knelt down to
clean the floor.
I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Justin and I drank that last night. Kind of a two-person stag night." I
lied as I grabbed a cloth and joined Lance in clearing up the mess I had
made.
"And I found both your wet shirts out here and a wet towel in Justin's
room." Lance stopped cleaning and looked at me.
"We had a swim and then we both took a shower" I lied again, trying to make
nothing of it all.
"And there was a person shaped smudge on the French-doors this morning"
I couldn't think of a good enough lie to tell.
"Plus the shower woke me up. It was only on once and you just said you
both showered"
'Shit' I thought, 'He's got me there'.
I bit my lip in an attempt to hide my fear of the situation I was in.
"And I saw you out my window" Lance whispered before standing up.
My heart must have stopped I was so scared in that instant. My brain tried
to work out an explanation before Lance exploded but it failed. I slowly
stood up.
"Lance... I" I said before Lance cut me off.
"There's no need to say anything." Lance said gently. His tone took me
back, I was expecting to be tarred, feathered and run out of town. "I
won't say anything"
"Why?" I asked when my brain kicked in again.
"Well for one, what Justin, Britney, or you do is none of my business
unless it directly affects the group." Lance said in a calm and hushed
tone, "And before you say it, Chris's homophobia is nothing to do with you,
that's a separate problem"
I nodded, striving to take everything in.
"And secondly, Justin would never do anything like that with Britney. He's
much more at ease with you than her. I'm not sure that he just has a crush
on you any more."
I gulped.
"Neither am I." I said thinking back to the beach.
"Morning everybody!" a voice exclaimed as someone came down the stairs.
That voice belonged to Chris. I froze as soon as I heard it.
"Hey. What's up?" Lance asked.
"I haven't talked to Chris since... well you know when" I answered quietly;
hoping that Chris would decide to go watch TV or something.
"Come on" Lance said, "You've got to face him sometime this weekend"
"Not if I can help it." I said as I slipped out the French-doors before
Chris entered the kitchen.
Justin and Britney were making out on a bench on the porch. The sight of
it made me feel sick.
'Is Justin using me?' I thought as I walked quickly down the steps and onto
the beach. My confusion at the situation began to change into anger at
Justin's behaviour.
I had thought that he would tell Britney what had happened but it seemed as
if he was quite prepared to continue with her as if nothing had happened,
and to cap it off he appeared to have adopted the same approach with me.
It just really pissed me off. I was in half a mind to go back to the two
lovebirds and knock Justin six ways from Sunday before telling Britney all
the sordid details, but my other side kicked in. I was so angry with
Justin for using me last night and now throwing me aside like a used
tissue, but I just couldn't bring myself to wreck another marriage, even if
this one hadn't happened just yet (and probably shouldn't).
I kicked a load of sand up into the air and watched it get caught in the
slight breeze. I looked about me, for the first time since we had arrived.
The two beach houses were practically on their own, I could make out
another building about a quarter of a mile down the beach but that was too
far away to cause any bother for the collection of celebrities that had
gathered to rejoice at the wedding. The wedding stuff was already arriving
and just on the edge of the beach, between the two houses, the seats and
paraphernalia for the ceremony were being set up. Mountains of food,
crockery and drinks were being taken into the house allocated to Britney
and her clan. I marvelled at the amount of money that someone had spent on
it all and then realised that it would all be wasted if anyone else found
out about Justin's indiscretion.
The beach itself was of a fine, pale yellow, sand and it gently curved away
from me in both directions. The sea was a beautiful azure colour and as
clear as a mountain spring. On the horizon the blue of the ocean melted
into the blue of the cloudless sky. It was perfect weather; even at this
time of year, as we approached autumn, the air was warm and the sun still
had power. The gentle breeze came from the sea and just took the edge out
of the sunshine.
'It's amazing good luck that the sky was so clear for this time of year' I
mused as I headed off down the beach in the opposite direction that Justin
and I had taken the previous night.
I flopped down onto the sand well away from any of the houses.
'I can't believe I've almost done it again,' I thought, 'People will start
to call you Darren Marriage Breaker' I thought with mild sarcasm. I looked
down at the date on my watch. 'Just over a year' I calculated, 'Just over
a year since I broke-up my parents' marriage'. I sighed and threw a
fist-full of sand into the wind.
'If I hadn't have done what I did...' I began to reason, unconsciously
rubbing my wrists again, 'But if Pete hadn't done what he did to me...' I
argued back. This conversation played out in my head on an almost monthly
basis, I knew where it would end, with me all depressed. 'No!' I thought,
stopping my schizophrenic arguing, 'You're going to be happy for Justin's
wedding. This is only going to make you all down.'
"Hey, Darren!" a voice yelled out from back towards the houses. I turned
my head to see JC running towards me.
"Afternoon" I said as JC arrived, slightly out of breath and clutching a
piece of paper.
"This just came through the fax for you" JC said as he held out the paper.
"So my record company knows where I am, but I'm not allowed to be told" I
asked jokingly.
"Something like that" JC replied with an equal amount of humour. "I can't
believe they couldn't wait until you were back to work"
"I can. They're a bunch of bastards my lot" I replied, scanning the fax.
"Bad news?" JC asked as he sat down beside me.
"Not at all" I replied, my mood lifting, "It's the arrangements for my trip
to the UK" I grinned from ear-to-ear.
"Visiting home?"
"Well sometime while I'm over there, but it's mainly for promotion for my
debut single" I explained, bouncing slightly with joy causing JC to snigger
gently.
"So you really aren't coming back on tour after this then?" JC asked sadly.
"Nope" I shook my head vigorously, "After this wedding I'm off home for ten
days then it's back to Merry Ol'England!"
"I didn't realise we got on your nerves that much" JC said with a pain in
his tone that could have been faked or real.
"You don't JC-wacy," I replied in my best baby-voice as I put my arm around
his shoulders, "Neither does Lancy-poos."
JC broke out into laughter.
"Lancy-poos? I don't want to know how that came about!" JC laughed.
"Pervert!" I replied, also laughing. The laughter helped me force my
previous thoughts from my mind. I quickly put up the happy-go-lucky
façade to hide what was really going on in my head. Such a thing wasn't
that difficult, after all whenever I was in public I was expected to be
happy and full of life, so my emotional wall was reinforced at every
interview, photoshoot and TV appearance.
"So why all the animosity towards your label then?" JC asked after we had
stopped laughing.
"I don't know. It's lots of little things really." I tried to explain,
"They seem to think I can be manipulated easily, the number of calls I have
to sort out about the album, promotion, videos and so on. It just gets on
my nerves"
"Sounds like they don't know you too well"
"They don't" I answered in agreement, "I have Laura, my PR, who handles
three other acts, Stacie, my manager flies in and out at will. She's the
label's flunky; she gets all the wannabe acts, like me, so she's always
busy with something else." I sighed in exasperation.
"Wow. You need to switch" JC commented.
"I know." I simply said.
"But you're on a contract of course" JC pointed out to himself.
"For another album" I laughed at my position.
We sat in a comfortable silence for a minute before JC spoke.
"Hey. D'ya fancy a swim?"
I thought for a second, looking at the sea's inviting waves.
"Sure" I replied, "let's head back and change"
Within ten minutes JC and I came bounding out of the beach house dressed in
our swim shorts. We ran down the beach and straight into the water before
diving in when it was deep enough.
"That's what I like to see" JC said as he surfaced, "None of that pissing
about in the shallows 'getting used to the water' nonsense!"
I simply nodded in response. The sudden cold of the water had taken my
breath away and I needed to get used to the cold, but I wasn't about to let
JC know.
We swam around for a while before I noticed several other people come
pouring out of the house, all ready to swim with someone carrying a beach
ball
All six from our house plus Britney and some of her friends were soon
splashing around in the shallower water with the inflatable ball. The
messing around evolved into a kind of 'piggy in the middle' scenario, with
one person in the middle and a ring of us around the edge throwing the ball
to one another.
Lance was in the middle and was desperately trying to swim/wade fast enough
to win the ball. It looked as if he'd be in the middle for a long time yet
when the breeze got up and blew the ball from just beyond Chris's reach and
into Lance's.
"Ha ha!" Lance gloated as Chris swapped with Lance.
The game continued with us keeping the ball away from Chris for some time.
Each time the ball passed him he got more and more angry when all of a
sudden I caught it. Before I knew what was happening, Chris barged
straight into me. The ball flew from my grip as I was pushed underwater by
Chris's momentum. The shock of the collision caused me to gasp just as I
had gone under; I took a large gulp of seawater.
Dazed, I tried to get my bearings and swim back to the surface but a pair
of arms grabbed me and hauled me back to the air.
"Darren, are you alright?" Lance asked me as the person still held onto me.
I spluttered and spat out a load of brine before nodding.
Looking up I found that Justin had pulled me from the water and that I was
in a similar embrace to that we had been in on the beach.
I coughed again, this time due to the shock of seeing Justin from that
angle again and seeing that the emotions that were in his eyes twelve hours
ago had not been forgotten and forsaken, as I had assumed. I pushed away
from Justin and started back towards the beach. Behind me a small scuffle
broke out as Britney questioned Chris's actions.
I heard splashing behind me, much too close for the group. I turned my
head as I stood up from the water; Joey was chasing after me.
"Darren!" Joey called out, trying to get me to stop, I did.
"Joey!" I replied, mocking his tone.
"Look, I know we don't quite see eye-to-eye, but what Chris is doing..."
Joey started.
"I know." I stated as I resumed my walk back towards the house. Joey stood
for a second before jogging to catch up with me again.
"Justin told you huh?"
"Why didn't you say something to Chris?" I asked, "Why didn't you do
something about his homophobia before he pummelled me to shit?"
"Why is it my job?" Joey exclaimed.
"Because you're his closest friend in the group, maybe his only one, and
you're gay!" I practically yelled back.
"I am not gay!" Joey replied, trying not to shout. I stopped what I was
about to say in confusion.
"But I thought you and Justin..."
"We dated for a while." Joey admitted, "But I'm straight." With a huff he
turned and walked into the house.
"Yeah" I said under my breath, "Just like all the other straight guys that
kiss other guys."
I spent the rest of the day helping decorate the two houses and the wedding
site between them, and avoiding Joey, Chris, Britney, Justin, in fact
almost everyone. When I finally got around to going to bed, my head was
ringing with the stress of trying to please everyone, yet not speak to any
of them (except Lance and JC). My headache was not helped by the thoughts
that surface yet again before I fell asleep. I knew that I had to resolve
my problems before they got the better of me, but that could wait until
after the wedding, couldn't it?
I awoke to the shrill buzz of my alarm clock. It was wedding day.
I stumbled into the kitchen after having showered and got dressed for the
morning; the ceremony wasn't until early evening so there was plenty of
time for us to sort things out those last-minute jobs that always crop-up
when something like this occurs.
JC was directing and inspecting the deliveries of food whilst Lance handled
the drinks. Over in one corner Justin was fielding phone-calls from
various family members that couldn't make it along with calls from guests
that were lost, going to be late or who just wanted to wish him good luck
now. I admired how they all pulled as a team, even when the stress-levels
rose, but that's what you learn working in this industry as a group. As a
solo artist everything lands on your head, there just isn't anyone else who
can deal with certain issues.
It appeared as though I was being left to my own devices again. There was
no task that required doing, all the jobs were being covered by either
N'Sync, Britney and Co., or the various people hired in. I wandered out
onto the porch, not before collecting my Discman from my room, and walked
round to the side of the house where no people were working. Flopping down
on a wooden swing-seat that had been aged by the sea-air, I let the
relative quiet of the beach envelope me. I stuck my earphones in and
pressed play, the sounds of Björk's 'Vespertine' flooded into my head.
It soon turned out this was a bad idea as I slipped into sleep.
Suddenly, I was woken from my slumber by someone shaking me. My eyes flew
open to find Chris trying to wake me up.
"Not disturbing you, am I?" Chris asked sarcastically.
"Not at all" I replied with equal sarcasm.
"Good" Chris sneered, "I just want to warn you; say one thing today that
puts this marriage in jeopardy and I will personally kill you!"
"I wasn't planning to!" I hissed back.
"Just as long as we understand one another." Chris replied before stomping
off.
'I understand you at least!' I thought to myself.
I had told the truth to Chris, even though I was under some duress; I
didn't want to stop the wedding, and that would be like breaking it up.
Yet Chris comments caused such anger to rise inside me I almost wanted to
yell out halfway through the ceremony all the details of the things that
had happened between Justin and I. A scream ripped through my head, I was
doing it again, falling into another one of my circular arguments.
I closed my eyes again and tried to block out the arguments that raged back
and forth across the landscape of my mind; Should I tell all about Justin
and I, should I leave the tour or not, what should I do about Chris if I
stayed, what would the others do to Chris if I left, what was up with Joey,
did it concern me. On top of these 'normal' thoughts of mine another group
decided to join in. I wonder what dad thinks of me now; does he still hate
me? I pictured the night he left us all:
I was lying in the hospital bed, bandaged up and still tired from
blood-loss, mum, Alain, Sara, and my dad were all there. I don't remember
dad saying anything to me before he walked out, but the others obviously
knew he wasn't going to return. The look he gave me just before he shut
the door was burnt into my memory along with a few other images; the care
in Justin's eyes, the hate in Chris's, the evil in Pete's. My mind drifted
from individual memories towards those from the worst month of my life.
The bloody nose after Pete hit me after football (soccer) practice at
school, the gripping fear in my chest as I ran for my life, the pain that
coursed through my body when I fell, the tearing of my flesh, the nausea
that swept over me when Pete finally walked away, the sense of disgust with
myself that I lived with for weeks after that evening, the argument with my
parents, the knife slicing into my skin, the blackness of near-death.
I jolted back to reality as another yell tore through my head, but this
time it was from someone else.
I ran inside, expecting to see the aftermath of some accident; all I found
was JC and Justin sitting around the dining table with a newspaper.
Walking over I saw that Justin was crying as he held his head in his hands.
JC must have heard me coming over because he looked up as I approached the
table.
"What happened?" I asked. JC slid the paper over to me. On the pages in
front of me were half a dozen photos of Britney draped over some stranger
(to me anyway).
"How could she?" Justin wailed.
I scanned down the article, apparently the photographs were taken during
Britney's Hen Night, the same night that Justin and I was rolling around on
the beach not a quarter of a mile from here.
"That bitch!" Justin exclaimed, "Look at that bastard taking advantage of
her and her second thoughts!"
My mind reeled, was this how Justin thought of me? And how could he be so
hypercritical of Britney? Plus, there was no evidence she had shared a
shower with her 'bit-on-the-side'.
I coughed, trying to get Justin to notice I was here. He looked up with
anger in his eyes, which quickly changed into guilt.
"Can you believe it Darren?" JC asked.
"No, I can't" I said flatly, staring at Justin. JC seemed oblivious to
what was going on between Justin and I.
"She's a complete whore!" JC said, waiting for one of us to agree. When
neither of us said anything JC continued, "And this..." JC scanned the
article for the guy's name, "How could he? Everyone knows Justin and
Britney are together, only a complete bastard would go after a person in a
relationship!"
Justin began to nod until he saw that I was watching him. I inhaled as
Justin looked away. I waited for him to apologise, even though I knew he
couldn't in front of JC. When the apology never came (surprise, surprise!)
my anger grew into a crescendo and I stormed off, slamming every door I
went through.
I ended up in my bedroom, through no fore-planning at all. I sat down on
the bed with some force.
Now even Justin seemed to be against me, why would I even want to stay for
the wedding?
I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down. It failed; as soon as my
eyes closed, the images came flooding back even more real and the emotions
were even more intense. The experience shocked me, mentally and
physically; my breathing took a few seconds to return to normal, my
thoughts never really were normal to start with.
I stood from the bed and went over to the window. Placing my hands on the
window-ledge I leant out of the open window to try and get some fresh air.
I let my head drop as I attempted to relax and rid those thoughts from my
head for once and all. As my head came forwards, my hands came into view,
blood oozed from lacerations in my wrists. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying
to get my mind to realise it was making it all up but with my eyes closed
my past came back to haunt me again.
My eyes flew back open; my hands and arms were clean of blood. I wiped the
perspiration from my face with my hand. As I brought that hand up I saw it
was covered with blood. My other hand clutched at the wound just below my
nose, as I slowly removed that hand from my face I looked up into the eyes
of the person who had struck me, Peter Baynon. Suddenly I was unable to
breath, I tried to step backwards to get away from my imaginary assailant
and tripped over my suitcase. A cold sweat broke out from my brow as I
began to panic.
Then, Justin was comforting me, holding me in the same embrace as the other
night on the beach. We were both naked, Justin's lips caressing every inch
of my skin simultaneously. I moaned in pleasure as I felt his erection
slide over mine as Justin's hands made their way over my chest. His gentle
fingers arousing every cell in my body with their loving touch. I opened
my eyes to see Justin was staring directly into my eyes, with his eyes he
asked a question. I smiled to say yes, I knew that anything Justin asked
would not hurt me. I felt him slowly put pressure against my sphincter,
before sliding inside me with a caring identical to the way his hands
danced up and down my body. I threw my head back in ecstasy as Justin
buried himself deep inside me. His love and comforting warmth now spread
from inside me as it penetrated from the outside.
Abruptly, his warmth turned ice-cold, his care to malice. My eyes flew
open; Justin was no longer on top of me, instead there lay Pete, his dick
scarring my soul with every movement. Panicking, I pushed him off me and
jumped to my feet. I looked around my room; no one was with me. I relaxed
just enough to let my tears fall. Sobbing, I crawled onto my bed, trying
to keep my eyes open so that the visions couldn't return. My fingernails
scratched at my wrists, my legs shook. It took effort to make myself
breathe, effort to make sure my heart beat when it should. I shut my eyes
for a second to endeavour to squeeze the tears from my eyes. The memories
which I had taken such care in burying away in my mind were begin jolted
back to the surface by the stress of my situation with N'Sync. I
desperately tried to force the images back, trying to convince myself that
it never happened, but every time I pushed, the memories forced themselves
even further forward.
When I opened my eyes again blood stained the walls of the room. All
around the bed stood everyone from my life; my family, N'Sync, Pete, Steve
and many others. Justin held out his arms and I knelt to try and reach out
to him. As I did, they all pulled knives out from behind their backs. I
crawled back up my bed as they slowly approached from all directions. The
first slash of a knife came from Pete, I raised my arm to try and defend
myself. The blade bit into my arm, blood sprang from my flesh and pain
coursed along every nerve in my body. Before I could scream or even move
my arm another knife cut into my side followed by another that struck my
leg, then another, and another, and another until everyone in the room had
sliced into me except Justin. With every slash my resolve to fight bled
from my soul, my strength ebbed away and my sanity evaporated into the
aether.
I lay there on my bed, the last of my blood seeping from my wounds. I
coughed up a mouthful of blood; the familiar, metallic taste now
represented much more than the pummelling Chris had given me. I now
associated it with my own death. One by one my attackers left the room,
each mimicking the last look my father had given me, one of disgust, fear
and utter distain. Each person's exit broke both my heart and soul. When
people stopped leaving the only other person left in the room was Justin.
He stepped towards my bed, his knife lowered.
A smile spread across his lips, his hand wiped some of the blood from my
forehead. The pain of the multiple wounds dissolved into nothing at his
touch. He leant over me, his arms on either side of my body, his eyes
locked onto mine. I felt it was all over, nothing could hurt me with
Justin here.
A sharp pain tore through my side. Justin let a tear slip before pushing
his knife further in.
"Darren" my eyes opened as someone called my name. Simultaneously my hands
clutched at the stop where I had imagined Justin's knife had entered me.
"Darren" JC repeated, "Are you OK?"
JC was standing over by the open door.
"You look as if you've been crying"
"I've just yawned" I lied, feigning a yawn for added effect.
"Oh." JC replied with, "It's time to get ready. The guests'll be arriving
soon, that's why I woke you"
I glanced out my window, the late afternoon light filtering in.
"Sure. Thanks" I answered as I rose from the bed, checking behind me for
any bloodstains on the sheets. "JC" I said as he turned to leave.
"Yeah?"
"So Justin's continuing with it then?" I asked with reference to the
incident with the newspaper earlier.
JC simply nodded before leaving and closing the door behind him.
I stretched, a pain in my side caused me to gasp. I reached a hand to the
site of my discomfort and felt dampness. Removed my hand; my fingers were
covered in blood. I blinked in disbelief and when I opened my eyes the
blood was gone.
Chapter Sixteen
The Timberlake and Spears family members and friends had mostly arrived and
were all congregating between the houses, waiting for the ceremony to
begin. I was inside the house still, trying to calm Justin down.
"I can't believe it" Justin said with exasperation, "I'm getting married!"
He paced around the dining room a few times. A myriad of emotions crossed
his expression one after another.
"Do you think I should go through with it Darren?" Justin suddenly asked.
"Well, it's not my decision to make, is it?" I replied.
"If you were in my position?" Justin persisted.
"Do the thing that you believe will make you happy in the future. Don't
play to your fear and anxiety." I said diplomatically.
Justin nodded as he took in my advice.
"Justin" Lance said as he stuck his head around the corner, "It's time"
We all headed outside to where the guests had started to take their seats.
Justin and Lance headed up to the front whilst I squeezed into the aisle
seat on the second row back of Britney's side. I didn't think that Britney
would mind me wanting a seat near the front. I actually wondered why no
one had taken it before me.
I glanced around, taking in the surroundings. Lance, JC, Joey and Chris
were just behind Justin. Britney's immediate family was in front of me.
At the front a typical archway of flowers marked the vicar's place. Above
us strings of tiny lights and flowers matching those in the arch were hung
between the houses. Large candelabras stood around the edge of the seating
area, each decorated in the theme flowers. To the left of the flower-arch,
a string ensemble played background music that mingled with the sounds of
the ocean to create a beautiful sound.
"I hope the weather holds out," Said the old woman wearing a very large
(and ugly) hat who was sitting next to me. Her accent was strongly
southern, I had to strain to understand her, and strain not to laugh. I
guessed the reason why no one sat here was that they didn't want to have to
talk to this lady.
"It's been really nice up here the past couple of days" I replied, making
polite conversation.
"I didn't know whether to wear my hat or not" the woman continued, "The
weather girl said there's a storm coming in tonight"
I was about to reply with another inane statement when the string-players
suddenly changed their tune and began to play the Wedding March. Everyone
stood and turned to get their first glimpse at Britney's dress. Beside me
the woman pulled out a large handkerchief and began to sniffle.
Britney stepped out from behind a small screen, her dress was simple and
short but it still caused a murmur to pass across the audience. Britney
responded with a huge contented smile before she began her slow walk down
the aisle.
I smiled along with everyone else, not only because Britney's natural
beauty was enhanced to new levels in her dress, but also because I knew
that once they had tied the knot I wouldn't have any more worries about the
wedding. That thought took a huge weight from my shoulders.
Britney reached the front and the string ensemble stopped playing.
"We are gathered here today to witness the joining of this couple in Holy
Matrimony" The vicar announced as we all sat.
He launched into a long Bible quotation about marriage that had been
'modernised', something I always hate. I had been raised Catholic, but no
one from my family ever when to Church except for special occasions and
choral services at Christmas. It was either the archaic style of Catholic
liturgy or my English side that gave me a love for tradition. I started my
singing career in church, even if I didn't really believe anything said in
the old buildings. I had joined the choir of my village Anglican Church at
eight years old; by fourteen I had progressed to the Anglican Cathedral
choir. It was in church choirs that I found my passion for singing,
although performing pop music is far removed from singing hymns in church.
Going to and performing in the ancient churches back home was something I
missed since moving across the pond. Only my grandparents were a little
upset by my singing in a Protestant church whilst I was (supposedly)
Catholic, although I soon pointed out to them that really I was neither.
"Do you, Britney, take Justin Randall as your lawfully married husband?"
The vicar asked, pulling me out of my daydream. The clouds promised by the
weather girl of the lady next to me were gathering on the horizon, dark
grey and full of menace.
'Sugar!' I thought, 'I've missed it all!' My focus shifted from the clouds
and back to the wedding ceremony that was happening not ten feet from me.
"I do" Britney gushed at the vicar. As I looked on a smile spread across
my lips. The smile was the sappy grin that most guests at weddings adopted
at sometime, one of joy, jealousy, a certain degree of pride, and love.
Justin looked up from Britney's face and straight into my eyes, which must
have shouted out the soppy emotions that I was feeling.
"Do you, Justin, take Britney Jean as you lawfully married wife?" The vicar
asked, turning towards Justin, but Justin didn't turn towards him.
Justin's eyes were still locked onto mine, stirring fear deep within me.
People in the audience started to mumble and try to spot whom Justin was
looking at.
The vicar coughed, trying to get Justin to say the right thing. Britney
nudged him gently and Justin finally took his eyes from mine.
"Do you, Justin, take Britney Jean as your wife?" the vicar asked again.
Justin thought for a second.
"Justin!" Britney hissed under her breath so only the people in the first
rows would hear. Justin turned to look her in the eye. "Say 'yes'!"
"No" Justin said flatly. A stunned silence descended onto the audience.
"I can't" with that he pushed past Britney and walked around the arch
before disappearing down the beach. The onlookers simultaneously gasped
before erupting into hushed conversation.
"Justin!" Britney wailed as her mother rushed up and embraced her. JC ran
after Justin as the vicar stood there trying to figure out what he should
say. Lance prompted the ensemble to strike-up a tune to hide the anguished
tears of Britney and her mother.
"He's not coming back." JC said as he returned prompting another cry from
Britney. Her mother bundled her back into their house as Lance and Joey
took the dais to explain.
I sat down, my legs no longer able to support my bodyweight. My breathing
sped up and my body shook. I held my head in my hands as the guests filed
out from around me. I knew why Justin had called it off, and although it
pleased my id, I knew it would cause more trouble than any of us could
imagine. Accompanying that thought was the idea that I had now succeeded
in breaking up another marriage and ruining the lives of Britney and all
the other family members involved.
"Darren?" JC asked as he sat down next to me. I looked up, everyone had
gone and it the storm clouds that were now overhead had started to spit.
"Where is everyone?" I asked.
"Britney's in her house with her family, Justin's mom was to pissed to wait
around so his family left with all the other guests. Justin has
disappeared, and the rest of the guys are in the house, arguing" JC rolled
his eyes as he said the last word.
"I just can not believe what I just witnessed." I said quietly.
"None of us can" JC said, "I don't think any of us expected Justin would do
that."
I didn't say that Lance and I had our worries.
"Come on inside. The weather's turning bad" JC said referring to the rain
that was quickly gathering strength.
Inside the house the atmosphere was completely different from my feeling of
being lost within the situation. Lance was heading up a military-style
operation to sort out all the unconsumed food and drink, cancel the
honeymoon and liase with Britney's family through Chris who had been sent
over to the other house to get him out the way.
I moped around for a while before hopping up onto the worktop in the
kitchen started to pick at the nibbles that were going to go off if someone
didn't eat them.
"Hey" Lance said as he walked into the kitchen, "I was looking forward to
those!" he said jocularly. Seeing I wasn't in the mood for joke he
switched tactics. "Look, Darren. Go have a shower and get changed. We've
just about done all we can for now."
"I broke up another marriage." I thought out-loud. Lance skipped
questioning me over the 'another' and tried to make me a bit more positive.
"No you didn't," Lance whispered, bending over slightly to look me in the
eyes. "Justin did it all himself today"
"But what about all the other days?" I shouted at Lance. "Justin and I
were practically fucking two days ago, you can't say that had no effect on
him!"
JC and Joey fell silent upon hearing my revelation.
"Darren!" Lance said attempting to calm me, "Justin was the one who said
'no', not you!"
"Stop arguing a technicality!" I countered, jumping down from the work-
surface. "I've fucked up his life, Britney's life, your life...!" I
stopped as tears escaped from my eyes. "Chris was right! I have split
N'Sync up and now I've done it to Justin and Britney!" My emotions jumped
from anger to fear then to pain and back to anger. I gripped my head as it
spun.
"Darren!" Lance said as he grabbed my heads to stop me falling. I opened
my eyes as Lance pulled my arms away. I was back in the kitchen in my old
house, mum and dad standing in front of me.
"Why won't you tell us?" my mum shouted, tears streaming down her face.
"There's nothing to tell!" I yelled back hysterically.
"We know there's more then you've told us!" mum shouted, "The doctor asked
us about your bruises."
"They're from the fight!" I lied as I almost collapsed with emotion. Mum
tried to catch me, "Don't fucking touch me!" I yelled.
"I knew this 'gay thing' was a bad idea all long." my father said under his
breath.
"Gay thing?" I questioned with anger, "You want to know where I got those
cuts and marks?" I yelled, my hysteria overtaking my sanity.
They both nodded fearfully. I grabbed the kitchen knife from the sink.
"This is how!" with that I plunged the blade into my wrist.
"No!" mum cried out, trying to stop me. My dad pulled out his mobile and
dialled 999 for an ambulance.
"Get back!" I yelled, wielding the knife. I slashed at my other wrist,
feeling slightly woozy now and tried to prepare myself for a welcome end to
my life.
"Darren!"
I screamed and struggled causing Lance to let go.
"No!" I yelled, "Get out of my head!" I dragged my fingers across my face
and into my hair. Stumbling backwards, I hit the fridge.
Joey ran over and grabbed onto me, taking over from the shaken Lance. Joey
shook me, I snapped out of it and opened my eye again. There was Pete
shaking me with my back against the wall in the changing-room shower.
"Get off me!" I shouted as I punched Joey in the side of the head. He
released me out of shock and I dropped to the floor sobbing.
JC knelt down beside me.
"Darren?" he asked quietly. I looked over to him but did and said nothing
more. JC placed his arm around me and held me to his chest, allowing his
body to absorb half of my shakes. Emotionally I was drained and numb, the
images that still filled my mind were like silent movies and failed to
rouse any feelings at all from me. We remained like that until I had
calmed down enough for the three of them to haul me to my feet and take me
into my room, where they lay me down on my bed. I quickly fell into a
nightmare filled sleep, watching my silent movie thoughts on a loop I was
never frightened enough to wake up, yet the images slowly burnt themselves
deeper and deeper into my consciousness.
I sat blot upright in bed. A thunderstorm raged over-head, that's what
must have woken me. I glanced at my clock, it was only midnight. Outside
my door I could make out several voices embroiled in a heated argument, one
of those voices mentioned my name.
I opened my door slowly, trying to make an unnoticed entrance.
"There's the little fucker now!" Chris yelled as soon as I stepped out,
apparently I wasn't quiet enough, "Come to claim your man?"
"What the fuck are you going on about now?" I shouted back. Chris stopped
what he was about to say. "It's not much fun when the target fires back is
it?"
"Shut the fuck up!" Chris replied, "Everything's not always about you!"
"Don't bullshit me. I heard my name." I shouted back.
"Darren," Lance said, "We were talking about Justin."
I halted my abuse, Chris was right yet again it seemed.
"Why was my name mentioned?" I asked.
"Because Justin stopped the wedding because of you," JC said.
"That's right, blame the faggot!" I yelled back, denying my own beliefs
about why Justin had halted the ceremony.
"We're not blaming you!" Lance insisted again.
"The fuck we aren't!" Chris exclaimed, "If 'he' hadn't started humping
Justin's leg on the beach we would all be happy now!"
"Is that how you see me? A little dog?" I yelled as I started towards
Chris.
"No" Chris said flatly, "I'd treat a dog better then you!" With that I
swung at Chris and hit him squarely on the jaw. Lance pounced on me to
stop me taking a second shot as Joey grabbed Chris to stop him retaliating.
"Stop it, all of you!" JC yelled, "Calm down before someone gets really
hurt!"
I struggled out of Lance's grasp and sat down on the couch in disgust.
Lance sat next to me so that I couldn't get to Chris who sat down on the
couch that was perpendicular to ours. Joey flopped down with Chris whilst
JC remained standing.
"For goodness sake!" JC began, "Can't we have one discussion with all of us
in the room without someone leaving with at least a black-eye?"
No one said anything.
"You, Chris. Darren's gay, get over it 'cos it isn't gonna change!" JC
ordered, "Darren. Justin obviously stopped the wedding because of what you
two did the other night!"
"So you're all against me now are you?" I yelled as I stood again.
Suddenly I felt all alone, my friends appeared to be turning against me, my
family was thousands of miles away, and Justin was missing. Justin!
"Where's Justin?" I asked in worry as I realised he hadn't reappeared yet.
"Arsehole feeling empty?" Chris snipped.
"He hasn't..." Lance was cut off as the front door opened.
"Hey guys" Justin said as if nothing was up. He was soaked to the skin
from walking in the raging storm and a small pool was forming around his
feet. His ruined designer suit clung, revealingly, to his frame as he
shivered.
"Where have you been?" JC shouted.
"What's going on?" Joey yelled.
"What about Britney?" Chris asked.
"You didn't do it 'cus of me did you?" I begged.
Justin was taken aback by the barrage of questions. He took a moment to
process the questions before turning towards me.
"Yes, I did it because of what has happened between us" Justin answered
with an apologetic tone. Joey bit his lip, I blew my lid.
"You gave up happiness for a kiss?" I yelled. Justin nodded, not expecting
this response from me.
"I don't think I would have been happy with Britney" Justin stated
referring to my earlier advice.
"See!" Chris shouted victoriously.
"Shut the fuck up Chris!" Lance shouted.
"What did you say?" I asked quietly, my carefully constructed emotional
front failing faster than ever. I waited for the answer that I already
knew. I didn't want to believe what I knew to be the cause of Justin's
change-of-mind at the alter.
"You heard" Justin said, "I stopped the wedding because I feel something
when I'm with you that I don't with Britney"
"Yeah" Chris shouted, "A penis!"
"Do you think you're fucking funny or something?" Joey suddenly yelled at
Chris.
"It's about time you said something!" JC shouted at Joey, "I was wondering
how long you'd listen to Chris's homophobia before you flipped!"
"I'm not a fucking puff!" Joey yelled back.
"Like shit you aren't!" Lance shouted, adding his penny's worth.
I stood there, staring unbelievingly at Justin as the argument grew behind
me.
Justin took a step forwards and held out his arms.
I saw a glint in his hands.
'A knife!' I thought as I began to back away. Worse, it was his engagement
ring. I turned away from his outstretched arms and walked into the
kitchen. Justin didn't follow for a moment.
When he did enter the kitchen I was sitting on the floor, leaning against
the cupboards under the sink. I gently played with the bread-knife,
running my fingers along its shiny metal.
"Darren" Justin said as he sat beside me, looking at the knife with
trepidation. "I don't know what to say. I expected..."
"I know what you expected!" I said, "You expected to come back, say your
bit and then I would roll-over like your little lap dog so you could fuck
me!"
"That bullshit and you know it!" Justin exclaimed, taken aback by my
comment.
"Is it! Just what did you expect then?" I countered.
Justin didn't reply. I shut my eyes as his silence supported my thoughts.
It was dark and I was running along a road; running from the car that was
headed right for me. I jumped a fence, twisting my ankle in the process,
hoping the driver would stop. The car stopped and Pete stepped out. I
scrambled to my feet again and forced myself to continue running on my
painful ankle. Pete jumped over the fence and chased me down the slight
slope, towards the lights of the path that ran through the common.
I hit the tarmac path and began to run along it, trying to get home before
my deranged attacker could catch up. The path disappeared into a large
copse of trees, I ran into them followed closely by Pete. For a moment I
started to put ground between the two of us, then I tripped over part of
the pavement. I landed on my arm and heard the crack of bone. Before I
could even turn over, Pete was kicking me. He grabbed my broken arm and
yanked me to my feet before drawing a knife on me. Holding the blade to my
side he forced me into the trees.
"Why does everybody think they can just fuck with me!" I yelled, my anger
changing form.
"People don't think that" Justin said with concern at my changing mood.
"Really?" I asked rhetorically as I became more and more hysteric.
"Because I thought you were one of the worst!" I stood, Justin followed
suit.
"I didn't come back tonight looking for a quick screw!"
"What about when you ignored me yesterday, like nothing had happened?"
"I thought you wanted it to be like that," Justin explained, "You did walk
out of my room!" The argument in the other room fell silent.
"Stop twisting things to your ends!" I yelled pointing the knife at Justin.
I could barely stand; my anger had now metamorphosed into hysterical
paranoia.
"OK" Justin said nervously, "Put the knife down." Suddenly the four others
were standing at the door watching.
"You lot have screwed with me for the last month!" I yelled wafting the
knife towards all five of them.
"You're right, we're sorry." Justin said calmly, trying to reach for the
knife.
"Get away!" I shouted, jabbing the knife for effect.
"Darren!" Lance said sternly.
My mind suddenly tuned back into reality. I was winded as a horrid wave of
déjà vu washed over me. I shook violently as I tried to breath
through my panic. My limbs shook as reality bit causing the knife to slip
from my hands. Justin ran over and kicked the knife away before trying to
embrace me. I dodged his arms and ran out of the kitchen and into my
bedroom where I locked both doors leading in.
I fell onto the bed, sobbing hysterically. I couldn't manage to breath
properly through my tears. The images the haunted my existence played out
in front of my eyes whether they were closed or not. The present blurred
into the past as reality merged with my nightmares.
At the door someone was pounding.
"Darren!" Lance yelled, "Darren let me in!"
I curled up into a ball and continued to cry.
"For god's sake, let me in!" Lance yelled in panic outside as he shoved the
door. "Get away from the door!" With a crash the door flew open and Lance
landed on the floor. Justin rushed in and pulled Lance to his feet.
"Get out Justin!" Lance said. Justin looked at me and then at Lance before
leaving, closing the damaged door behind him.
"Darren" Lance said quietly. I could barely hear him over my sobs. Lance
climbed onto the bed and pulled me into an embrace. Nothing more was said.
I awoke, still in Lance's arms. From his breathing I knew he was awake.
Then the memories hit me and I began to sob again. I now made no effort to
fight the images nor to try and contain my emotions. A year of grief and
pain had eaten away at my soul since that day just under thirteen months
ago when I had been chased down in my own village.
Lance stroked my back to get me to calm slightly. Eventually I no longer
had the energy to cry, I just sat and gasped for air as you do after crying
hard.
"What's going on?" Lance asked me when I had finally calmed down enough.
"I don't know" I admitted, tears still running down my cheeks. "It's like
I can't tell reality from dreams anymore." I paused as a final sob
escaped, "Everything that's happen to me... Lance, I don't think I can cope
with it anymore" I cried.
"The past month hasn't been that bad, has it?" Lance asked.
"It's not just that" I replied.
"The other marriage you claim to have broken up" Lance said remembering my
statement from the previous evening.
I shrugged off Lance's arms and sat up.
"My parents'" I stated. Lance said nothing. I could picture the look on
his face even though he was lying behind me. Standing from the bed, I went
over to the wardrobe. I was still wearing my suit from the wedding, though
by now it was crumpled beyond repair.
"No one else is up yet," Lance said, thinking I was getting dressed.
I opened the doors and pulled out my suitcase.
"You're not leaving now are you?" Lance said as I began to stuff my things
into the bag.
"Yeap" I said as I grabbed my mobile to phone for a cab. "Can you get me
the address for this place please" I said quickly, still cramming clothes
into my bag. Lance hesitated, then produced a piece of paper from his
wallet that was sitting on a chair in the corner along with the clothes
Lance had been wearing last night. Clearly Lance had gotten to hot during
the sticky, stormy night.
"Taxi'll be here five minutes," I said, after a protracted phone
conversation. We weren't that far from civilisation as I had thought. I
checked around the room for anything I had missed whilst Lance pestered me.
"There's nothing I can say to stop you leaving?" Lance asked as he followed
me around.
"No" I replied, continuing my search.
Finally I grabbed my case and heading out the bedroom door.
As I walked past the kitchen Justin yelled out my name.
"Darren, you're going?" Justin spluttered out with a mouth full of
Fruit-loops. I nodded.
"Darren!" Lance yelled as he ran out the bedroom after me, still only in
his boxers. When Justin saw Lance's outfit he went white as a sheet.
"Darren!" Justin yelled running after me.
They both had something important to say, but I wasn't in the mood. If I
let them speak to me I knew I would forget why I was doing this and stay on
and cause myself even more damage. So I ignored them both and walked
straight out the front door. I looked up the road and saw the taxi coming.
Lance and Justin burst out of the house as I jogged down the steps to meet
the car.
"Darren!" Justin yelled as he began to cry. I chucked my suitcase in the
taxi's boot and jumped in the backseat. I prayed that the driver would
realise that a speedy exit was required, luckily he did. As we pulled away
Lance ran down the steps and over towards us. The driver looked at me
through his mirror, asking if he should stop, I shook my head, biting my
lip to keep my own tears in. Justin remained at the front door, tears
staining his cheeks.
As we drove past the Spears' house I noticed Britney was sitting on the
porch, away from the view of anyone in the other house. She glared at me
as I went by. Clearly Chris had filled her in on the events of the
previous night.
"Where to?" the driver asked as he came up towards the junction with the
main road.
"Home" I replied.
End of Part Six.
Email me your thoughts.
A belated merry Christmas and happy New Year,
JJ.