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Chocolate Peanut Butter Mousse with Salted Caramel Ooze

You might want to find yourself some duct tape, because you’re going to have to tape down your erectile tissue. Shit’s gonna happen when you taste this. The inspiration for this dish came from one of my favourite restaurants in Melbourne, where their signature dessert is “Peanut Butter Parfait, Salted Caramel & Soft Chocolate”. Fuck. It’s amazing. It’s completely worth being fat for. However, is it worth being a diabetic with oozing leg sores for? Not so much. So, I set about recreating it in a healthy way. Now, stay with me – the guts of this dish is avocado. Avo-fucking-cado. But fret not – that fucker is masked with cacao, coconut, dates and glorious-would-love-to-smear-myself-in-it peanut butter. Then top that cheeky amalgamation with oozey, sticky, salted caramel (the nectar of the gods). To finish it off: it has more salty nuts on it than a bus seat. The result is more satisfying than I imagine Jamie Foxx to be.

***** you may need to add a teaspoon or two of maple syrup/honey/rice malt syrup/coconut nectar/whatever

Salted Caramel Ooze:

– 1 cup coconut milk

– 2 teaspoons butter (you can use coconut oil if butter offends you)

– 10 fresh Medjool dates, (chopped very finely and soaked in boiling water for 10 minutes, then drained)

– 2 tablespoons maple syrup

– 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

– a considerable sprinkle of salt, to taste

– a handful or two of roasted salted peanuts, chopped to top

How to produce this duct-tape worthy dish:

– let’s get our mousse ready. It’s a piece of piss

– soak the chia seeds in the coconut milk for about 10 minutes. By then it will resemble a specimen of elephant semen and that is just what we want

– as usual, the food processor is our labourer. Simply put all the ingredients (the avocado, elephant semen, vanilla, CoYo, dates, cacao, salt and peanut butter) in there and give it some shit until the consistency is as smooth as Clooney. Give it a taste – does it need the maple syrup? If so, add it in and blend again. Then divide it between two suitable receptacles and pop it in the fridge to chill

– ooooooh, it’s salted caramel time. Place the coconut milk, butter, dates, maple syrup and vanilla into a saucepan and bring to the boil, then turn it down to low for a few minutes so it thickens up like a pregnant woman’s ankles

– those dates in the caramel are brilliant but they add some lumps, so you might want to whizz that shit in the blender to make it smooth, then stir in the salt (don’t be stingy on the salt – you’re only shortchanging yourself)

– now pour that ludicrous salted caramel ooze onto the mousse, top with the peanuts and fucking devour it