Guilt — the hidden ‘should’

If there is one emotion that sums up modern living it is guilt. We are an increasingly guilt-ridden society. For some people, guilt is lurking behind almost every choice they make. Working full time and therefore not spending as much time with the kids: guilt.

Spending time with the kids so not bringing money in and contributing to household finances: guilt. Going to the friend’s party that doesn’t really appeal rather than going to that yoga class your body craves: guilt. Ditching that good friend’s party in order to grab a bit ofdowntime: guilt. On and on an on it goes.

A seemingly endless, unwinnable cycle of guilt drains energy and joy out of our day.

Here are some important things to know about guilt:

1) Guilt has a purpose. It’s a handy prompt to examine your choices. Could you have made a different or better choice? What can you learn for next time? Okay, good information, adjust your future choices accordingly. Happy with the choice when you actually reflect on it? Again, good to know. No need to feel guilty if it’s still the best choice you could have made at the time.

2) Guilt is a prompt to take responsibility.When people don’t take responsibility, guilt develops into deep shame which they will do almost anything to avoid feeling. Guilt says something about your choices; shame says something about who you are. Guilt says “I wish I hadn’t lied about that, I am going to apologise and fix this”. Shame says “I’m a liar. I need to distance myself completely from this situation in order to not feel bad about myself. I will avoid responsibility in order to not feelshame”. There is a whole heap of juicy stuff to discuss on the difference between guilt and shame which I will save for another day. For now just get clear that guilt is there as a helpful prompt for you to examine your responsibilities.

3) We are actually lucky to feel guilt. Guilt means we have choices. We could have chosen what was behind Door X and we chose Door Y instead. Guilt means we had a choice and we chose. That’s good news. We have almost infinite choice over how we live and what we choose to put in our lives. There are societies in the world where women cannot work or be educated. They don’t have a choice to be a working mother and therefore experience the guilt that choice inevitably seems to entail. Guilt is actually a spotlight illuminating how lucky we are to have so much choice. Guilt means we had a choice and we made it.

4) Guilt is a revealer of a hidden “should”. Shoulds are bad news. Including a whole heap of “shoulds” in our internal dialogue is a sure-fire way to beat ourselves up emotionally. Shoulds are a way of punishing ourselves for making a choice we have consciously made. That’s bad. Feeling guilt is a cue to examine the hidden “should” behind it and see if it’s valid. “I should have gone to the party.” Really? “I shouldn’t have said no to that.” Really? Take a look, is that should really true? Is it helping you or holding you back?

5) We need to collectively get better at dropping guilt once it has served its purpose.If guilt rears its head, use it and then let it go. Use it to see if there is anything you can learn from the choice you have made.

Use it to examine the “should” that is implicitly attached to it. Make changes where needed, then drop it. Make the choice you are making — to work or not work, or to cook from scratch or order takeout, or to work late or to run, whatever it is — make that choice consciously and own it. Fully own it. Drop the should. Drop the guilt. Fully own and embrace wholeheartedly doing the thing you have chosen, and feel grateful to have so much choice in your life.

Dragging guilt around after every choice we make is pointless and debilitating. It robs the enjoyment out of whatever we have chosen because we feel guilty that we “should” be doing something different. That’s crazy making!

Learn. Adjust if appropriate. Choose it. Own it. Enjoy it.

Let it go.

Dragging guilt around after every choice we make is pointless and debilitating. It robs the enjoyment out of whatever we have chosen to do.

Dedicated to food and wellbeing, Be Well is The New Zealand Herald's weekly Monday magazine that celebrates your relationship with food. Be Well offers recipes and kitchen tips contributed by some of New Zealand's most talented cooks and chefs, reviews and insider knowledge on where to eat in New Zealand and abroad, gardening and fresh food tips as well as new trends to help you live well. Be Well – Your recipe for life.