The Antichrist Responds to Cardinal Biffi

March 13, 2013

Way back in 2000 Cardinal Biffi, then 71, took a strong anti-Antichrist
stance, effectively drawing a line in the sand. He made a bold
prediction, hoping to prepare the faithful for resisting the
Antichrist’s rise to power. He predicted that the Antichrist was among
us, and was probably a philanthropist vegetarian animal rights activist
pacifist, whose true goal would be to bring down the Catholic church.

Biffi, never accused of being superficially charming.

Biffi explained, “See, those are all obviously good philosophical positions, and the Antichrist wants to convince people that he’s good, so those are the positions he would endorse. You should be very wary of really good people in leadership positions.

“We at the Catholic church take great pains to make it clear that we are not the Antichrist. We do things that no Antichrist would do, because they are so obviously evil. We rape little kids, and then cover it up and re-shuffle the rapist priests, spreading the suffering around. We condemn the use of condoms in Africa, ensuring an increased spread of AIDS and HIV, and thus ensuring more suffering. We oppress women, and gays. That’s how you know we’re the good guys!”

A common view of the Antichrist, circa 2000, as a superficially charming psychopath.

Biffi’s claim raises an interesting question about how well actions reveal character.

“Everyone assumes that just because you do bad things, that must make you the bad guy, or vice versa. But in this day and age… listen, we are fighting a war here. A war for the soul of humanity. And in wars, sometimes you’ve got to use deception. Everyone knows that. So, see, the Antichrist is trying to fool you into thinking he’s the good guy, and we know that, and you know that, so we don’t want to look like we’re the ones trying to fool you into thinking we’re the good guys, by being really obviously good. Do you know what I mean? The point is, you can’t get fooled again.”

The actual Antichrist, hugging some carrots.

When pressed for comment, the Antichrist responded, “Look, I’m not trying to fool anyone. I am in fact the Antichrist, and I am trying to destroy the Catholic church. I also happen to be a vegetarian, animal rights activist, philanthropist, and pacifist. Am I trying to trick you into thinking I’m good? No, I’m just trying to do what’s right by my conscience. I mean, they are raping kids. Don’t you think we should stop them?”

A recent survey suggests that many Americans agree with the Antichrist’s premise that raping kids is bad, but believe that he is just so charming and good that he must be hiding something.

Colleen Milner, from Grundy Center, Iowa: “How could anyone that powerful not be hiding something? At least we know what we’re getting from the church. A few kids get raped here and there, and they try to hide it, but the Antichrist seems too good to be true. I don’t trust him.”

Colleen Milner, Grundy Center. Not buying what the Antichrist is selling.

When asked about his philosophical views, Colleen agreed that they were morally superior to those espoused by the church, but that “That’s the problem. He’s so darn good.” She admitted that other than her instincts and the words of the Cardinal, she had no reason to suspect that the Antichrist is a bad guy.

With the second Pope in 13 years about to be elected, you can bet that the Antichrist’s resistance to the church is a hot topic in the conclave. The Vatican scrambles to deal with a PR disaster that has snowballed into a financial disaster, the result of expensive victim settlements and declining membership.

Biffi has only gained resolve.

“It’s all according to the plan we laid out back in 2000, right before we elected Joey Ratz, the ex-Nazi. I mean, come on, it would be way too obvious for us to elect an ex-Nazi to be Pope if we were the bad guys. That would be something a comic book evil organization does. No, you can rest assured that we are the good guys, and we are proving it by doing the things no intelligent bad guy would do, for fear of being obvious. You’ve just got to be so careful. The Antichrist is so deadset on fooling us, he never does anything remotely evil. He is just good all the time, while waiting for us to let our guards down.”

Seth Kurtenbach is pursuing his PhD in computer science at the University of Missouri. His current research focuses on the application of formal logic to questions about knowledge and rationality. He has his Master's degree in philosophy from the University of Missouri, and is growing an epic beard in order to maintain his philosophical powers. You can email Seth at Seth.Kurtenbach@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter: @SJKur.

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