Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Turning Over New Leaves :: Two Hundred Ninety Nine

A word of warning, I prepared my family, Everything I do, for an indeterminate time, will have everything to do with the powerful influences for good that inspired me while we were in Massachusetts and Maine. Prepare for me to say things like, "In New England I saw this..." and "Let's try it the way they do it in New England." It might get a bit irksome. They may be tempted to roll their eyes, because I am firmly committed to my crush and I want to let it all out! If it looks like, smells like, feels like, sounds like, or simply reminds me of, our wonderful stay in New England, I am going to propose we adopt it, wear it, share it, make it our own. Short of planting a maple tree forest, and adding a rustic stone wall to replace our cyclone fence... I really want to bring New England to our Bird House.

Jennifer has a bookcase with her cookbooks tidily displayed. They are accessible and ready to inspire. This may have something to do with why & how she fed us so well, with delicious meals made from scratch. This is a three-fold influence: Display. Tidy. Prepare. My friends' home lovingly, artfully, displays everything that is treasured, and appreciated, neatly, thoughtfully. The calm and clear approach to home-keeping not only feels warm, hospitable, and soothing, but it incites feelings of preparedness, and appreciation.

Her effect... I filled three very big boxes of stuff to donate, and then I donated them. {Whoa! That last step. Miraculous. I know some of you will know what I am saying there.} I moved a chest that functions as a stash-junk-surface, and knee banger {Sorry, friends, for leaving that oversized beast where everyone got a turn to bruise themselves.} The chest is out, and this shelf is in. One third of the cookbooks are out, and the favored ones are on probation! Display. Tidy. Prepare. Plus PURGE! Every best intention I have for this new leaf I am turning begins with THE URGE TO PURGE.

One shelf, and a lot of motivation to make life simpler, brighter, lighter, neater, calmer, New Englander. It's a very, very, very small step on a decathlon-like journey. Normally, following the pattern of my entire life, I would be packing us to move. That's how it's always been, every 2, 3, or 4 years. Pack it all up, move, and start-over some place new. But we are home, now. And I am determined to learn how to live in my own home. And, as long as I am opening up with my personally challenging obstacles, and foibles, I will add... This is very hard emotionally. I am trying to confront my weaknesses, my shortcomings, the minor and distressing life-dramas that have sent me down dark paths, into apathy, mired beneath the heavy weight of uncertainty. Sad things. Sharp, piercing, mean thoughts, grains of doubt that have amassed into shifting dunes. Those parts of aging and being human, injuries, ailments, confrontations, that knocked me down... I seem to have lost some resilience, it takes longer to get up, again. And yes, I hesitate to declare that 'I am turning over new leaves,' because of those heavy doubts and shifting sands. They will, undoubtedly push me over, again. It's tempting to succumb, to pretend I am indifferent. You cannot fail what you don't attempt to begin with. But. No. I am turning over leaves, new ones, old ones, dear ones, and trying, once more, and another, afresh.

It feels heartening to have seen such beauty, to have been with Jennifer and Lauren, to have felt their energy, seen their spark and sincerity, sense of purpose. There's more to say, to reflect on, too, before I speak. Be prepared... Chickenblog will be scratching and pecking around these deep thoughts, other musings, and New Englander plans and notions, happily, for quite some time.

It's a lovely and funny experience to see a home through someone else's eyes. Remember that you saw that garage full of boxes still unpacked, that studio where there's barely an inch of open space on the floor to stand. I need to settle in here, believe it's really home, sort and discard and display and arrange. Meanwhile I'm happy to think of you re-feathering the nest....

Garage? Full of boxes? hmmmm.... I saw a loved home, two dedicated and hardworking people with great heaps of hospitality and generosity. I saw beautiful art, lovingly curated. I saw comfort, warmth, thoughtfulness, the tools of creativity, and countless inspiring ideas, sentiments, actions, reflections, and You. Could it be? If we could see ourselves, as we see each other... how much gentler our beliefs could be, how much easier to enjoy our accomplishments and still be inspired to go further? I recognize what you are saying about settling in, being home, because I am in that same place, too. But, know this: I am in awe, full of admiration of your integrity and diligence, of what is already good and evident in your home and life. You are my inspiration.

Followers

Chirp-Chirp-Chirp BirdHouse Notes

I'd like to buy the world a heating pad. This is my current obsession. Thank you, Mahshid. She came over, gave me support and tools for healing, and she advised me to use a heating pad. My Mom bought one for me... and it's been amazing. It covers my back, and has flaps that drape over my shoulders. I use it on the low setting, and even though I haven't felt particularly "cold," the warmth is relaxing, calming, comforting, good. I suspect it may be one of those "obvious" things that I am lately discovering, but in case you don't know: Use a heating pad.

December 18,2018

8:57 am

I drove today. It was to test drive a 2018 Honda Odyssey. Guess what... they're space age fancy and smell like power. I skipped the freeway and just took it around the block. Honestly, I'm not exactly ready for primetime. And all day long as we compared the pros and cons of mini-vans, trucks, foreign, or domestic... my brain kept interjecting, "Let's just drive JettPuff a few more years." But that is not an option.

December 15, 2018

9:05 pm

“Keep a record of your injuries, and pain.” For the record, the pain tonight is awful. Left arm: hurts. Right shoulder: frozen in pain. Abdomen: twingy, tender. Neck and jaw: sore, tense. Still having headaches. My best progress: Accepting, and seeking help. Also hard: Canceling some of our holiday plans.

December 12, 2018

11:10 pm

I don’t know what to do with myself. Resting makes me stiff and feeling useless. Being “useful” makes me tired, woozy... sometimes words hang in mid-air, just out of reach. I find new bruises. The accident replays in my mind. I’m sad, and starting to feel mad... she destroyed things, plans, peace of mind. I’ll post this here... temporary. I’ll be glad to move on.

December 9, 2018

All of my wisdom about “relaxing...” well, it may have done some good, up to a point. I had a better and better day and felt even more buoyed after a lunch treat with Paul and Janece. But. But I went to the market for bread to go with the soup I made (I’m rambling, I know. Bear with me.) To the point: Another driver turned into my lane and because she did it from a right turn, I never had an inkling of her being in my view. It was a horrifying head-on collision. I doubt either of us even braked. In no time I had a clear road, in both directions and then just her car hurling into my poor Jett Puff. Air bag. Ambulance. It’s a long story. And maybe I’m looking for silver linings, but I like to think my car made a last heroic act, and my last sensation, before disaster, was... I’m happy, relaxed. I’m also concussed, so if none of this makes sense... well, there you go.

Out To Lunch :: I am so lucky!

December 6, 2018

12:27 pm

Confession: I am making myself miserable worrying about my utter lack of "professionalism." Tonight I will be attending a holiday party for "Art Leaders" in San Diego. Leaders. Art Leaders! This feels so portentous and full of opportunities, but I am struggling with imposter syndrome, rusty skills, and no business cards. Also, I put some art (ok just 1 print) on a selling site, and again, I am plagued with nameless dread and doubt. My dreams and hopes do not match my confidence and nerve.

December 5, 2018

11:53 am

It rained and rained and rained. The garden is happy. The goats are dismayed. All is well.