Wednesday, April 7, 2010

FYI: NOT A Cougar

Most parents don’t yell during swim lessons.

I do.

Like when Tommy swims across the pool I’ll clap and shout, “Go Tommy!”

Most parents stare at me like I have a third boob on the top of my head.

Tommy struggles with diving down to the bottom of the pool and retrieving a foam brick. So when he finally did this, I clapped and yelled, “Great job! WOOHOO!” And again, the parents gaped at me as though I had just whipped off my shirt and twirled it around my head.

He was pecking on his Blackberry. “Mmmm,” he answered but it was obvious he was barely paying attention.

I still yell though. Tommy likes it. He’ll turn around and give me the biggest smile.

Sometimes I’ll have to remind Tommy to focus. He has a habit of going off into Tommy Land in the middle of class. For instance, his swim instructor was going over some swim rules and I saw Tommy’s head whip in the other direction. He’s sort of like JD on Scrubs. I mean, I can’t blame him, I tend to go off into my own world when I’m bored.

“Focus Tommy!” I’ll call out.

He’ll jump slightly and then turn back to his teacher.

Speaking of his teacher, I had been curious on how old the guy was. Not because I was interested or anything. I mean, yeah, the guy is okay looking but I also figured he had to be pretty young. I mulled this over on the way home from swim lessons last week and was all, “I wonder how old your teacher is?” not thinking much of it.

But then I guess Tommy asked his teacher how old he was. I think he said something like, “My Mom wants to know how old you are.” Which is embarrassing in itself because the guy is probably all, “Um?”

But he told Tommy because Tommy shouted from the pool, “Mom! My teacher is SEVENTEEN! Did you get that? HE’S SEVENTEEN?”

Now the rest of the parents were staring at me as though I were Mary Kay Letourneau.

“I was just curious,” I mumbled into my lap.

Geez seventeen though. I could be his MOTHER! Well, not really. But since I’m 27 whenever I hear someone is a teenager the first thought that comes into my head is, “I could be his MOTHER.” Obviously this couldn’t be true, unless I popped a kid out when I was ten. But still. I couldn’t stop thinking that Tommy’s teacher was born AFTER the movie My Girl came out. Yikes. He was a zygote.

And he was currently pretending like he was drowning because they were going over how to save a drowning swimmer.

Tommy….erm….he started to go off into Tommy Land and I was all, “Tommy! Save your teacher!” and of course the parents probably thought, “Yeah, she wants her kid to save him so she can seduce him,” and I wanted to be all, “NO, I could NEVER, I just don’t want my kid to let his teacher fake drown and be the laughing stock of his class.”

Tommy eventually made it out to his teacher and tossed him the floater device. It nearly smacked him in the face. He’s not a gentle savior, apparently.

Then he had to simulate giving the teacher CPR and I could hear Tommy say, “You want me to do WHAT?”

When class was over I could see Tommy saying something to his teacher. I sucked in my breath. Please nothing embarrassing… Then Tommy shouted,

“He’s in HIGH SCHOOL! TWELTH GRADE!”

Tommy is obsessed with finding out what grade people are in. I wanted to explain to everyone, “My son has Aspergers, he becomes fixated on certain things and finding out what grade people are in is just one of his fixations. One of his FIXATIONS, I say. Nothing more.”

Now I can’t look his teacher in the eye because he’s probably all, “She wants to stick her hand down my swim trunk.”

No, no, NO!

I am NOT a cougar!

Tommy mercifully came back over to me and I handed him his towel.

“My teacher is seventeen, did you hear?” Tommy said loudly. There were still other parents around, drying off their kids.

“I did. That’s great,” I said, gathering our things so we could GO.

“Michael Phelps is twenty four. Michael Phelps is not in high school. Michael Phelps took lessons just like me,” Tommy prattled on. He’s become a little obsessed with Michael Phelps ever since he learned that he won eight gold medals in the Olympics.

I could hear a parent giggle behind me. Now she was probably thinking, “What’s with this mother wanting to seduce all these swimmers?”

LOL! I can't imagine lol!! I think if I were around I would probably think you MIGHT be a couger lol. If I were you, after your son said that I'd be like "oh good, I was just checking to see if maybe he was available as a sitter sometime"...on second thought, that might just make it worse. lol, in those situations you just have to laugh!! Did you ever see that movie 17 again? its a great one!!! :)

That is hilarious! I asked our waiter how old he was the other day... he looked 17 and was serving liquor. I was interested in knowing how old he was - and not because I was interested in him... I'm just really nosy.

Okay, Mrs. Robinson, but you need to wait till he's over 18. LOL! And your son sounds like such a delight! And so funny! I love that you yell encouragement at him! He loves it too! What a fun post! (Keep in mind, my husband is 15 years my junior so I'm open minded like that!)

HAHAHA! I love it. You cougar you. How nice of Tommy to enable you, lol. But yeah, I would send Tom next week. Knowing myself, I would have called him to replace me after the first "He's 17!", because I'm an easily embarassed woose. Woos? You know what I mean.

I'm sorry, but I was single when my oldest was in swim lessons when she was 4 and her teacher was HOT!

I pay attention at lessons / practice too and I think that is great. My daughter loves it during softball practice. Everyone else is so busy talking and texting. I am paying attention to my kid and it makes her feel good. Screw the other parents. We rock!

I think this is my favorite post of yours yet. I can't stop laughing.You are way to young to be a cougar, but the comparison to Mary L is hilarious. You are so funny. I was the mom that yelled to my kid in soccer...don't worry about those humdrum noninvolved parents.

I'm a sideline yeller/cheerer too. I didn't realize it until I watched Olivia's soccer games on vidoe. I was horrified for a second as my family sat through a whole game video listening to me shout like a crazy person...but in the end I know that my kid LOVES the encouragement and it's only me that can wrangle her into focusing and not staring at a cloud. You are an awesome Mom even if you are a Cougar. ;)

I say cheer him on. Yell as loud as you can and cheer him on. Kids crave the encouragement and the other parents that are looking at you are just thinking "man, I wish I had the guts to cheer on my child."

Seriously, I know all I ever say in my comments to you is that you crack me up, but I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my face. I am soooo the yelling mom, no matter what sport. And the whole cougar thing..OMG...you're just killing me!!

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A husband in the Air Force. A wife semi-obsessed with bargain shopping. A son with ADHD and Aspergers. A feisty daughter obsessed with Disney princesses. And hi, if you're an agent, I've written a chick lit book. I'd be a fantastic client and would send you chocolates.