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As a late Valentine’s Day treat, I thought I would share some of the gems that I have encountered while wading through the cesspool of crazy, awkward individuals on dating sites. Let’s begin, shall we?

I received a message that read “I know since we don’t know eachother my opinion probably doesn’t mean anything to you but I think you look prettier without the bangs.” Okay, first of all? How dare you insult my bangs. They are amazing and I love them. Second of all, take a look at yourself:

Shouldn't you be on SatanicMatch.com?

I seriously almost fell off of my chair laughing. Please, for the love of all that is holy (or in his case, Satanic), do not give style advice to a woman if you look like a serial killer.

Here’s another great one:

Huh?

Actually, I must say that I was flattered to be called a gangster. Finally my days of rapping to Nicki Minaj have paid off!

This one is, hands down, my all-time favorite. Not only did he openly admit his shoe fetish, he also assumed I was enough of a freak to wear SIZE ELEVEN SHOES.

I couldn’t even wrap my head around this one. First of all, how the hell do you market a tugboat company? Second of all, I didn’t even know tugboats still exist. The last one I saw was a Little Tikes one floating around my bathtub when I was four.

I’m not going to lie: there are a lot of nice people who are doing online dating, it’s just that this is only a very small example of the useless crap you have to wade through in order to find them. Happy belated Valentine’s Day!