Welcome

Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and
others concerned about HIV/AIDS. Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the
conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning: Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive
and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a
username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own
physician.

All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators
of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please
provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are
true and correct to their knowledge.

Time is driving me nuts. I have nights sweats and hand tremors. The medicine to help me sleep is no longer working so I am up most nights and then your mind starts to go in to overdrive. I agree with many people that at night there is less things to keep your mind focus. I have try to make new friends for when I start to feel the need to talk to no such luck. Update on the guy from Long Beach CA he must have done what I told he to do was to go to POZ.COM an read any thing by Dwayn20 aint heard from him since that was five days ago. Maybe I have to many issues that he did not want to deal with.I am about to put my foot down or put it up with regards about Mark I am no longer going to hold my words because I am mentally and fiscally tired of his crap. I am not the only one that lives in this house.Scooter

I am trying to keep a positive attitude for I have been told feel it do it live it . Maybe I have been doing this to myself for so long it will take time to correct my problems . I sometimes feel my life has been for not . When I am gone there will be no foot print to say that I have been here . I did some paintings for which I was proud of ( Gay Baby's First Steps ) made the bracelets that is my avatar . But I don,t know if I have made a difference with the people that I have touched . I deep down know god put me here for a reason maybe I am blind to the things I should be doing . Lost soul trying to find his way ?Scooter

Your right it just seems that every choice I ever make is the wrong one.That is one of my favorite movies .I pray to thank for every thing I have and guidance . I am just frustrated as I am sure a lot of people are . Change the things you can an have the wisdom to know the difference.ScooterP.S. I do believe I have some one watching over me.My Brother?

;My older brother just called we had a heart to heart talk.He said he would send picture of the family.I also told him how I was feeling alone he said you are not alone.But what everyone has to understand is when I start feeling like this when I can,t talk with any one.On nights like this I want to go outside scream at the top of my lungs but to what end.Only one that will answer is a cop or men in white coats. :Scooter

Here we go again another month of bills and not enough money to cover them. With SSI an the little I make mowing the couple of yards. Even with Marks good paying job we are like everyone else late on this one are like what happened last week Mark made a mistake an wrote the check for the Electric Bill then found out that he didn,t have enough to cover it.The local Aids organization won,t help unless I have a eviction notice or a disconnect notice but if you were one of the one,s from New Orleans after Katrina they had everything payed for Rent,Electric,and the hole nine yards.There used to be a lot of people volunteering almost every one that did has since quit because of the way things are run.In the last three years I have had about ten different case managers half the time I do not know who my case manager is. Then when you find out who he are she is try to get in touch with them and if you do they don,,t know one thing from a another.Frustrating?Scooter

Shoot, Dwane, at least you HAVE a case manager. We don't have them where I live - and we don't even have an ASO. The closest ASO to me is in Liverpool, which is a airplane ride away and they can't help me with things here on the Rock anyway.

Count your blessings once in a while instead of always focusing on the down-side.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Sorry I just mad they spend more money on administrative than the clients.Then have the Gaul to ask me to make my bracelets for a fundraiser. If I had the money to make the bracelets I would not need there help.Its a Catch 22 . Damn if you do Damn if you don,t? Lets just say I am on a 24-7-365 Bitch Fit.I am sorry if I offend anyone.Scooter

Quote from: Ann link=topic=26240.msg333975#msg 333975 date=1241100522

Shoot, Dwyane, at least you HAVE a case manager. We don't have them where I live - and we don't even have an ASO. The closest ASO to me is in Liverpool, which is a airplane ride away and they can't help me with things here on the Rock anyway.

Count your blessings once in a while instead of always focusing on the down-side.

I wonder some times if the person who said patience is a virtue had any.I have the faith to carry me though but am lacking patience.Now to make matters worst having night sweats sneezing off and on and no I don,t have the swine flu I have seasonal allergies just like clockwork.Scooter

Today I will contact my case worker to see if I am allowed any Rental assistance.I will be nice about it I try not to be ugly towards any one that has a job working with the public.I figure they are just following protocol or the rules if you will.We will see in a little while if anything is available if there is I will be very surprised. I am keeping my fingers crossed.Scooter

Tonight I decided to take my Cymbalta before we eat supper. I started thinking that I had been taking my meds after we eat so maybe that mixed with the handful of meds that might be the reason it works during the day but not so well at night. So I get to play mix master again. The case worker I talk to said they would pay $ 150.00 on my rent but I would have to pay the rest an get a receipt an bring it in Monday I don,t drive so I would have to make a money order then go across town pay the Land Lord an get the receipt then go back across town to give the receipt to the case worker and hope the rest is payed by the 05-05-09 or there will be a fifty dollar added to the rent.The taken of the Cymbalta before eating seems to be working.Then I went to take the rest of my medicines then realized I was out of the med that I take to help me sleep.Have a feeling its going to be a long night.But I got to say my mind is not racing like it normally would.I am just a little agitated Mark get up sayes I am going to the restroom an two minutes later the bedroom door is closed he has a fit if I don,t tell him goodnight that's what he does.The slamming of the bedroom door is as bad as if you were to come up to me and slap me in the face.Its insulting and he know it I think he does it to push my buttons.Scooter

The taking Cybalta before eating seemed to help time will tell. I am still getting a little agated but like I said in previous post Mark take pleasure in push my buttons. I told him about what some of the people posted about standing back and maybe move on.The first thing out of his mouth was I can pack and I will bring you to the local Aids Organisation then he laughs about it.Scooter

Another Saturday night an as usual bored and Mark is driving me bat shit . The computer was acting up an the first words out of his mouth is what did you do now. He knows how to dish it out and I was just joking but if you tell him something are joke with him he blows it out of context. He wonders why I stay mad and have to take so much medications. You know what I am getting tired of taking medication for supposed to be my problem when the one that needs help won,t seek it because he claims to have no problems. Scooter

I am trying to deal today has been one of his better days.Truth be known I am trying to get him some one else then maybe he will realize what he has.Yes I know it can backfire in my face.But a long time ago we agreed that if we broke up we would be human about it.Time will tell.Scooter

You know how hard it is to make friends . I may have made a new one . The making of friend is like finding tricks the ones you want don,t want have nothing to do with you and the ones that you don,t want are hounding you . Maybe I am becoming bitter or maybe I was always like this and never realized it . When you have to much time on your hands and not enough to keep you occupied and the medicines are quiet working as well as you like . Maybe there is some thing lacking in my life a Void if you will . You know your in trouble when your dog can not lift your spirit . I dislike talking any pain medication . I am this shy of taking of taking one because the nerountin is not helping you would think taking 9 pills a day would help . Are maybe this is another drug failure one of many in twenty one years . It some times feels like your world revolves around drugs . Am I the only one that feels this way . And found out the hard way some medication you don,t quit cold . They will make you sicker than when you were on the medicines.Scooter

I am like the post I read in a previous post . I broke today I don,t take stress well . Found out today the Electric Bill check bounced and have no way to pay it . So now I have to wait for the check to return or for the Electric company to put a disconnect notice before I can contacted my case worker . I don,t understand why we are always behind on every thing . Between the to of us we have more money and still can,t make ends meet . I am tired mentally and physical and Mark is no help he does not stress over any thing.Scooter is Wrecked Today

I'm sorry to hear you are down in the dumps. It truly sucks being broke all the time.

Gabapentin wasn't doing the trick for me and I tried Lyrica per the doctor's suggestion. (I think it was probably more like the pharma rep was pushing this drug) Anyway Lyrica didn't do much good either. Several people on here suggested I try taking a higher dose of the gabapentin and it's really helped.

Good luck & I hope tomorrow is a better day.AA

Logged

It is not the arrival that matters. It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

I am at the max dose of Gabapentin so I am not sure any more and it seems that the Cymbalta is at max dose also.I hate when the meds start to fail an then have to play lets try this it should help.Scooter

I'm sorry to hear you are down in the dumps. It truly sucks being broke all the time.

Gabapentin wasn't doing the trick for me and I tried Lyrica per the doctor's suggestion. (I think it was probably more like the pharma rep was pushing this drug) Anyway Lyrica didn't do much good either. Several people on here suggested I try taking a higher dose of the gabapentin and it's really helped.

I am like the post I read in a previous post . I broke today I don,t take stress well . Found out today the Electric Bill check bounced and have no way to pay it . So now I have to wait for the check to return or for the Electric company to put a disconnect notice before I can contacted my case worker . I don,t understand why we are always behind on every thing . Between the to of us we have more money and still can,t make ends meet . I am tired mentally and physical and Mark is no help he does not stress over any thing.Scooter is Wrecked Today

I hesitate to post in threads like this because I think responding exacerbates, rather than helps. That said, I think you need a bit a tough love concerning your finances. I can't help but remember the thread you posted in Off Topic about your trip to a casino last month where you gambled away you and your lover's money in rather short order. An amount that would have easily covered the electric bill. You play you pay.

If by your own admission between the two of you, you have more than enough money to make ends meet, set a budget and stick to it.

I know the story you are talking about. It toke place about six years ago.Have not been to a casino in a long time.That what I am talking about.I don,t do Drugs,Drink or Gamble any more.But there seems to be a black hole sucking what money we have.The next step is to see a Financial Consular.A Lot of our Problems stem from taking in my Aunt for six Months.No hard feeling.Scooter

I am at the max dose of Gabapentin so I am not sure any more and it seems that the Cymbalta is at max dose also.I hate when the meds start to fail an then have to play lets try this it should help.Scooter

I don't know if you've tried it and I haven't so I can't offer any personal experience but some therapist here offer a type of massage therapy for neuropathy and it's often covered by Medicaid or Medicare.

Good luck to you,AA

Logged

It is not the arrival that matters. It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

I have had a day like most I am going to try what Andy suggested.I mowed three yards today we are talking trailer lots.What would have taking less than a hour took a little longer than it used to.I did it to make a little extra money.Now have to pay the piper my hands are shaking and my feet hurt really bad had to talk my first time in all most two months hate taking them.Mow those yards when it was about to rain so I would not get burnt an guess what you would swear I stayed out in the sun.By the way we manage to pay the Electric Bill.I have the microphone I might have to start use it to dictate any thing on the computer.I must admit I am bad at typing.It hard enough to type before.Marks sister has MS and my typing reminds me when she was able to type.I am really thinking about calling my N P tomorrow to ask her about the hand tremors even though I am going to see her in about three weeks.Some one sent me a message this morning about my past Gambling Addiction that he read I ask Mark when this happened he said that was Seven Years ago an the only gambling I do is Texas Hold-em on the computer.Scooter

Last night was one of the longest nights.That is the reason I do not like to take Pain Medications.I toke one 6.30pm and was like on speed and that is not a good thing when your mind is running a mile a second.When you have mental problems Depression Anxiety or Panic Disorder.The things your mind can come up with.I was happy when I had read about the one time stimulus checks were deposited until I call the bank nope and my checks are deposited at midnight.I just need to patience a little longer it will will get there when it gets there.But like everyone else I can really use it.Scooterhttp://www.myspace.com/dab6801Looking to make new Friends

I don,t get it I have check my bank ten times today and nothing and I really could use it now.I was going to try to save it for the trip to Boston but that is not going to happen.I have one more option left if that doesn,t pan out I am screwed with no good night kiss.I am trying to keep my mood up.Checked mail this afternoon and had a bill from the Psychiatrist because I miss a appointment without a 24 hour canceling.How are you supposed to give a 24 hour notice when your appointment is Monday morning at 8 am and have no ride and they don,t start answering the phone until 8:30 am.So now that's another 95.00 dollars I can,t afford.My grandmother had a old saying six of one an half a dozen of the other.For those who don,t know what that means dam if you do dam if you don,t.Scooter

I don,t get it I have check my bank ten times today and nothing and I really could use it now.I was going to try to save it for the trip to Boston but that is not going to happen.I have one more option left if that doesn,t pan out I am screwed with no good night kiss.I am trying to keep my mood up.Checked mail this afternoon and had a bill from the Psychiatrist because I miss a appointment without a 24 hour canceling.How are you supposed to give a 24 hour notice when your appointment is Monday morning at 8 am and have no ride and they don,t start answering the phone until 8:30 am.So now that's another 95.00 dollars I can,t afford.My grandmother had a old saying six of one an half a dozen of the other.For those who don,t know what that means dam if you do dam if you don,t.Scooter

Dwayn, have you applied for help financing your trip to Boston through the AMG grants committee? I know they take donations to help finance people in need. I would check with them. Sounds like you could use a vacation.

Yes I have they are paying for the round trip Amtrak ticket from New Orleans to Boston and they are paying for the hotel for four nights.I just need to pay for the round trip ticket by Greyhound from Lafayette to New Orleans and the night because the Amtrak leaves early in the morning. The last plan I have in the works is Hopeing Marks company will help with some of the costs while there.Scooter

Checked the bank again this morning nothing. Someone suggested that I need a vacation. Right at this moment I don,t know the meaning of that eight letter word. I may no longer have access to a psychologist that would really suck. Because of things beyond my control if my case worker happens to be reading this my advice is don.t call me. I seems the only time I here from them if something wrong. You know for most of my life I could not understand why a lot of people in our situation turn to drug use some were doing drugs before and after but some that never did drugs turn to them after to try to deal and makes it worst. No I don,t do drugs I have enough with all I have to take on a daily basis. As much as I do love Mark, Whats was the saying if you Love something let it Go ,If you think I was joking about doing a profile on two different web sites. If nothing else it keeps him busy. Scooter

I must be a dumb-ass I got a email that should have been in spam.You can have a brand knew Computer and I started to fill out the form it went to are you out of your mind.So I got to a part you have to apply for two different offers. Which most offers I can not qualify for.So I deleted every thing and thought that would be the end of it.Wrong now I am getting calls from a college and a number that is not in service but I have got three calls so for. I am usually a nice person but at the rate things are going I am libel to start cursing some one out. I need all this agravation like I need another disease. I was right about keeping Mark amused with the web site that I set up for him. He said today that he was not going any where my response is as long as we keep to our first agreed to.Scooter

Whats going on some people got there stimulus checks and some didn,t.I starting to believe that it is a cruel joke. Lets see how we can screw with Dwayne this week.I started on my life blog last night you really don,t know how screwed up your life is till you start to write about it.I am up to year 17 no wonder I have so many issues before the age of ten almost died three times.And the next ten years was up and down no wonder I don,t like roller coasters who need to get on one when you life is one.Scooter

:)Today has been good .But talk about hot in the shade it,s 90 degrees . I don,t know if any other LTS have this problem with heat and sun light . I go out in the sun for five minutes and I burn was never like that before . It make,s it hard to make extra money mowing grass year before last I had twenty yards last years after the hospital stay it went down to eight now I have two . That is the reason for themoney problems . I hate to say this I even had to default on a couple credit cards . I still have people coming by my house and ask if I could mow their lawn I tell them that I can,t due to health issue . You can,t look back you must keep going forward . As for one of the credit cards I always payed them ahead of time then got really sick and since my T-Cells were down to 8 I am glad to say that I just broke a record for me 359 and V-Load 0 . I got a call from one of the credit card company and the woman said we could work something out that is when I informed her I had AIDS an had only my SSI check next thing I know she said thank you and hung up.That's the last I heard from them.Scooter

:)Today has been good .But talk about hot in the shade it,s 90 degrees . I don,t know if any other LTS have this problem with heat and sun light . I go out in the sun for five minutes and I burn was never like that before . Scooter

You need to be careful out there in the sun. Believe me !! I've lived in Florida 29 years. My first few years down here were worshipping the sun. Being from Buffalo, New york originally ( where there are only two seasons, rain and snow I couldn't wait for the move down here to spend time in the sun. I found out how bad that was. I am light skin, Reddish,blond hair, and I can get burned up in no time at all. I have paid the price with skin cancers issues through the years. I've been scraped, cut, frozen, stitched, biopsied, so many times I can't keep count.

You need to get some sunscreen . At least a Number 45, and keep yourself covered while outdoors.

Even though I've been here 29 years, 24 of those years have been with myself being HIV positive. I will never get used to the heat, but it's the price we pay down here, for when we get to those winter months !

I think I am lucky that I work the graveyard shift and can sleep during the day, cause I am not really an outdoorsy type of person. I have to limit myself each time I am outside, to put it bluntly, it wipes me out, and it seems to get worse each year. I don't know if others agree, but I feel the intensity of the sun has increased dramatically over these past 29 years !!

Why is it so few have gotten this economic stimulus checks and others have not . I get direct deposit and not seen Hyde nor hare of it . It show would come in handy right about now . On the thirteenth I will have to call one of my bill and hope I can get a little more time . But worst than that the food stores at my house are getting very bare . I have friends that tell me to put it all in gods hands I have I don,t think God is taking calls right now . Now don,t get me wrong this is stuff in the pantry but nothing to go with it . My lady next door just about every day ask the same question did you go apply for food stamps yet . I used to get them then the State of Louisiana decide that Mark and me are a couple so had to include his income . But ask for any other couples rights in this state and you get shut down quick . Yes we live in the same household but he has his bedroom and i have mine .Scooter

I find holidays very dreary but this is the first Mothers day that has ever hit me hard. Mark is going to see his family and even though my mother is alive I can,t call to wish her a happy mothers day. I,m sure my older brother is probably visiting our mother. If you are wondering why I can,t call her is because I don,t have her number I told my older brother to give my phone number to her. It,s like someone has thrown salt into a cut that won,t heal. I guest that's what is called the affairs of the Heart. Scooter

I was doing some reading around 4 am and came across something that blow me away. I Just Tested Poz-Positively Johnathans - Vidio Blog. I was stunned and amazed for he is doing something very positive with his Life after testing poz. I hope to hear a lot more from this young man.

I have told a few people about this blog.You know how they always ask question who is your hero. I know how to answer that question. This is half my age he has done some thing in my view that I hope reaches far and wide. He has taken the bull by the horn and I have a feeling ain,t going to let go.Scooter

I was doing some reading around 4 am and came across something that blow me away. I Just Tested Poz-Positively Jonathan's - Video Blog. I was stunned and amazed for he is doing something very positive with his Life after testing pozI hope to hear a lot more from this young man.

I think I may have found a new friend that I will be able to help and in turn be helped.I can,t wait to see what happens next.Yes I am in a very good mood even Mark with all his button pushing yes I admit he got to me yesterday but was able to shake it off for a change.I said a while back that I was running on empty rrrrrrr rrrrrr thats me running all most full.Scooter

All though I am in better spirits I had to call the phone company today which I was dreading. They were very nice saying that since I have always payed my cell phone bill early that I was in good standing with them.I explained that I was waiting on a check to pay them which was due tomorrow. She informed me that she could push the payment to June first which will work for me.I never learned to Juggle any thing in my life but unless we are talking bills.Some times it feels like playing Hop Scotch two steps forward five steps back. But that would have me down right now but with all my new friends I am on top of the World. I hope it,s not a far fall ?Scooter

I have been in a good mood until I was reading a certain thread and I like to blow a gasket then I let it go because I said my thoughts on it . Still waiting patiently for this ghostly check I keep hearing about I wish I could agree with Andy the later the better even if it came in later I would most likely able to save it for Boston. I am in the back of my mind and what I feel about in my Heart are waring with each other. We have a old saying when I was growing. It go,some thing like this I have a four burner stove with six pot going at once.Scooter

I knew it was to good to last some time if he suffers from PMS . But in my case it Pack My Shit. He goes from being so sweet you can get cavities from. To being bitter and slamming doors and i don,t know what his problem is. I can,t win for losing and I am sure this mental anguish is not good for my well being. I have had friends when I had some that I should leave. I all ready have to many issues to deal with I know all ready what the reply will be. Bring them on I am trying to keep a positive attitude. Darn it,s hard anything that goes wrong I feel it,s my fault. This computer was purchased so I wound have some sort of outlet. But since it came home we have had more arguments about how to do this or that. But when he needs something typed or wants to show me something Dwayne come see this. I allways come to see what he want to show me but let me try to show him something forget it. He,s to busy watching TV and we do have a DVR which can be paused. Lost and Comfused.Scooter

I have been in a good mood until I was reading a certain thread and I like to blow a gasket then I let it go because I said my thoughts on it . Still waiting patiently for this ghostly check I keep hearing about I wish I could agree with Andy the later the better even if it came in later I would most likely able to save it for Boston. I am in the back of my mind and what I feel about in my Heart are waring with each other. We have a old saying when I was growing. It go,some thing like this I have a four burner stove with six pot going at once.Scooter

Choice number one won,t happen when every thing is in his name.He owns every thing in name only which even though he says you know everything is half your. Choices two can,t afford to move so I have to put up with it. I have talked to a few doctors and nurses and my life was screwed up before. Every time I go though to much stress it comes out medicaly one way or another.Shingles,Hives,Soars,Crying,Hand Tremers and some things I can,t remember off hand.Scooter

Today is quiet for which I am grateful . I am trying to think of ways of making money . By this time I am washing trailers and mowing grass . I washed one trailer two weeks ago and was sick for the next week so the trade off is not worth it . I made the mistake of going to the wrong web site now my spam has to be cleared out three times a day . Would appreciate any idea,s . Would help I brain is not coming up with any idea,s and Mark keep telling me he has not heard any thing from the company he works for . Then the next thing out of his mouth is it,s not till August he may not think ahead but I do.Scooter

I go to a lot of different websites and a lot of them ask one question that I never could answer till now.Yes I know this person is young but he has raised my eye brows and spirit.When I was a lot younger some one said that I was young with a old head.At that time in my life did not understand what it was that they were talking about until I was a little older.I know this person was just tested but turned a negative into a positive.I hope he goes far in his endeavors which I think he will.Good Luck Positively Johnathan.Just to let you know everyone that I know I have told about his posting.My hope is that a lot of the stigma with Hiv will Open Peoples Eyes.Scooter

At the way are taking a turn for the worst I may be taking the advice that a few have giving me.I have to start takeing care my self.If I don.t I will be back in the Hospital which I don,t want .I am starting to wonder if indeed it was medicine failing or my body simple tired of all the mental crap.In fifteen years the highest T-cell is been 323 thats not good up and down I get sick thinking about it.Scooter

Course I just got here but some of what you're going through could be me if,if,if... One thing that helps me is I work. I'm not making as good money as the last few years but it occupies my mind a lot and I do pay most things. The rest, well, they'll get it when I get it. My last job was NOT fun, they make sure nobody can do their job right so I was having a hard time feeling good about myself til I figured out everybody was in the same boat. Thank you Jesus I'm out of there.