Interesting choice of adjective, George. When you say ‘cocktail’, were you thinking ‘dirty Martini’? Are my savings going to accrue olives? Or are we talking Molotov cocktail? Will my money become an incendiary device I’ll end up hurling in any direction in order to get rid of it? Do let me know in time to react accordingly, won’t you? Drinkee?

Oh calm down. Like I’ve said before, a good nuclear test is how we know North Korea is still there. If it didn’t test weapons, what other contribution to the world would tell us it’s still on the map? It’s not like all the great comedians come from NK. I can’t remember the last North Korean literary sensation, nor the last global humanitarian from NK. And you can be sure you’ll never see ‘Made in North Korea’ on a Ketchup bottle, or a Marmite jar.

No, NK, you just keep on testing, knowing what a vastly positive contribution that makes to today’s world.

Photograph: Team America:World Police

Residents of besieged Syrian town, Madaya, say they are being starved to death

Congratulations, forces loyal to Bashar al-Assad. You must be bloody proud that you’re forcing families to eat leaves, grass and even their own pets to survive.

Have you ever watched a starving child eat grass? Perhaps you should try and see how palatable you find it.

Taking care of people takes care of politics. Read your history books, you little shits.

Photograph: theguardian

Environment Agency chief Sir Philip Dilley tells MPs he wishes he had cut short Christmas break to help deal with flooding in northern England

That’s quite alright. Much better to be honest and give people a true sense of where your priorities really lie. That way, when these floods happen again next year, people will already know that this is just a job, for you. Actions speak louder than words.