Methinks Tim Tebow Just Might Have A New Girlfriend

There’s been a lot of talk about Tim Tebow, new addition to the New York Jets, and surprisingly little of it has been about actual football. Good news — this won’t be either! Instead we’d like to join the hordes of newspapers, magazines, bloggers, and regular old people speculating about the 25-year old Christian’s pledge to remain a virgin until marriage. Because that’s totally my business! Well, young Timothy is one step closer to that fabled goal, as he’s been photographed shirtless embracing a new love. Spoiler alert: she spends most of her time under a car — no, not a mechanic, that’s gross — a giant tire!

Now hold on a second before you start to judge. Just because you yourself aren’t attracted to the smell of rubber and the grip of tread against your cheek, doesn’t mean that nobody is. Just not most people. But if these two are attracted to each other, who are we to get in the way of that? Look at the way he’s holding her in those pictures in Vogue. It’s obvious that he really cares about her. And don’t you trust Tim’s judgement? He’s already proved that he’s notoriously picky, saying:

“I’ve been blessed to have an amazing mom and two amazing sisters—so they set a very high standard.”

No matter what you think, I know Tim well enough to believe that he wouldn’t pick just any girl. He has a set of requirements, and only if someone represents everything he’s looking for, will he enter into a respectful, consensual relationship with her. But what are your requirements, Tim??

“Obviously looks play a big part. Being attracted to someone plays a big part, but there’s also so much more than that for me. It’s about finding someone sweet and kind—and that has a servant’s heart. It’s about finding a girl who likes me for me, and not because of what I do or who I am or the name.”

At this point, I’d say most people in the world know who Tim Tebow is, so is it any wonder he turned to a demographic that hadn’t? Inanimate objects. The two are allegedly very happy together, although Tim hasn’t officially commented on the situation except to say that he pledges only to touch her on the outside and never to go through the middle until the two of them are happily wed.