Freeing myself from my eating disorder, one day at a time

Month: December 2014

I’m tucked up in bed about to go to sleep but I’m taking a quick moment to congratulate myself for my first ED free Christmas in a very long time. I ate what other people ate (well, a vegetarian version), I indulged (but didn’t binge), I didn’t purge, I didn’t sneak off to exercise (I had a swim this morning but that doesn’t count as it’s a tradition! It was freezing but refreshing!), I didn’t cry or feel bad about myself.

I enjoyed myself, and enjoyed spending time with my family and those that I love without having to keep ED happy for the day. I can’t quite believe I managed it. Merry Christmas!

Today was busy, but busy in a lovely fulfilled life kind of way. I had a Christmas event in work this morning which involved doing arts and crafts and singing songs with children, then I had lunch with a friend and her kid, then back to work for the afternoon, straight to running, shower at the gym, leftovers in the car, then I finally braved the shopping centre to do my Christmas shopping (pretty quiet from 9pm-11pm as it turns out-phew!) before coming home and now I’m tucked up in bed with 14 minutes left of a very productive and nice day. No food/weight/purging/eating/body dramas- just regular everyday living. It feels good. ED no longer fits in my life, and I will keep trying everyday to make sure it is not welcome.

I don’t want to have to write this but part of me starting this blog was so that I would be honest with myself and face up to my behaviours and my thoughts.

I had a shower, I made my lunch and got my stuff ready for tomorrow and then I decided to make crumble to bring over to my boyfriend’s. I fancied something sweet so I thought for safety I would make it and bring it over so I would just eat a normal portion. But then there was crumble topping left over and I couldn’t help myself- I started eating it from the bowl and I knew after a few spoons I would want to purge so I kept going. So I ate the remainder (probably enough for an entire other crumble, bleurgh) and then got sick.

I’m feeling fairly crap now. I regret it and I wish I had just thrown the extra topping away (so wasteful- because eating and purging isn’t wasteful???!!!) or had stopped myself soon enough that I didn’t feel like I needed to be sick. I probably shouldn’t have made crumble at all to be honest, but at least I thought about bringing it to my boyfriend to be safe so I was trying! And I didn’t let the crumble eating turn into a large binge. So there are lessons learnt.

This isn’t going to be a straight journey. Falling off is part of it, as long as I keep getting back on I’m doing okay. Giving in is not an option. I’m drafting up a plan for the next few nights so I can make sure I know what I need to do.

After giving into the crazies yesterday I’m now sitting here trying to resist the urge to overeat. I not hungry and it isn’t that there’s something I particularly want to eat, I’m just very used to this being my pattern and doing it yesterday has made it very easy for me to slip back into thinking it’s okay. But I’m going to write this and then have a shower to warm myself up then make my lunch for tomorrow and head over to my boyfriends. That seems like a far more sensible and nice use of my time.

It’s hard after a blip, but that’s another reason why it’s worth doing everything I can to make sure they don’t happen too often. Onwards, upwards.

Well that was some week. Full schedule at work along with a Christmas event every night, followed by a visit to the boyfriend’s family for the weekend. Lots of fun but wow, lots of food and lots of conflicting confusing thoughts (eat this, don’t eat this, purge, don’t purge, you’re fat, you’re not that fat, run it off, don’t tire yourself out….). Christmas is certainly a challenging time for ED recovery!

I really dug in this week and I really tried to stay on track but I ended up having three little ‘lapses’. On Friday I was just exhausted after the week and really just needed some quiet time at home to regroup but I had just 30 mins to pack for the weekend and just felt a but overwhelmed. So clearly a good antidote was for me to waste this time eating cereal and purging. Aaaarrrgggghh, it was a silly mistake, I knew what I was doing and I think I knew it was going to happen but I seemed powerless to stop it. However, I have identified that the times when I need some ‘stop the world time’ and I can’t have it for some reason are when I am really vulnerable to b/p-ing. It was just unfortunate that I needed to be somewhere on Friday so I couldn’t just stop the world. It’s all well and good knowing that I need time, but the world doesn’t revolve around me so…..the lesson? Need to think about what an appropriate coping strategy could be in the situations when I want to stop the world but I can’t.

Then today I had another lapse. Kind of for the same reason I think, I was just trying to quieten my head after a busy weekend. Cereal again- clearly I am nowhere near ready having cereal in the house (lesson 2 I guess!). I was on autopilot and I knew two bowls in I was going to purge so I had some toast as well. I stopped after that though so far less of a binge than previously so I will take that as a kind of win (it’s all relative). I then made a proper dinner later to prevent a continuous snack/ purge scenario which was a good move I reckon, except the old black and white thinking came in and I ended up purging that too. And I have now just mindlessly eaten a load of crackers but I know this is because my body is craving food as it doesn’t know what happened to the previous meal and I am determined to keep it down. I don’t want to let myself get sucked back into thinking it’s a routine again. Because it’s not: they were only lapses and I feel crappy now so I am very determined not let lapses develop into a relapse (can it be a relapse after only 10 days of ‘recovery’?).

So, not an ideal ending to the week but rather than focus on the lapses I am going to focus on all the positive steps I took towards recovery this week:

I ate Chinese for the first time in 9 years, and enjoyed it!

I texted my friend to let her know I purged to be honest and accountable even thought it’s shameful.

I went to the doctor and made an appointment with ED nurse.

I told my boyfriend twice that I would need to eat when he hadn’t suggested it, in order to not be too hungry by the time dinner came around.

I have not weighed myself at all (honestly, this is because I’m too afraid to, feeling ‘fat’ after week of socialising and eating)

I went to all my regular training sessions and raced today, but did not do any extra exercise to make up for the food.

Things are hard but I keep telling myself it will be worth it so I shall sleep today off and be grateful that I have the chance to try again tomorrow.