Celebrating a personal new year with alternatives to resolutions. Or: Achieving World Peace Through Oral Sex.

Transcript

After Christmas we all get a bit giddy about improving ourselves to atone for the orgy of fat and alcohol. It’s like we impose a harsh January on ourselves because we can’t have something nice unless we then need to spend a month repenting and punishing ourselves for enjoying it. Or maybe that’s just me.

Maybe it’s mince pie poisoning or something, but setting unattainable and unsustainable goals for ourselves in the new year is something of a tradition. I’ve always had a bit of a hit-and-miss relationship with this sort of thing.

Besides, it’s my birthday this week, and I think it makes more sense to count ‘new years’ from your birthday, because, technically, that’s the new year to you, based on when you arrived, not the end of an arbitrary calendar…

Traditional new year resolutions like ‘go to the gym’ are fine, I do that anyway, so it’s nothing to do with the New Year, but more useful ones like ‘don’t get drunk and make a tit of yourself’ continue to elude me.

And probably best to not kid myself with something like “masturbate less” because that’s not going to happen. I mean really, if my favourite toy is going to be within arm’s reach at all times, then obviously I’m going to play with it until the batteries die, or I draw blood. Again. Whichever comes first.

I read an article recently that talked about how the revolutionary idea of masturbation breaks can make you more productive at work, as if this was a whole new thing and not something we’d all been doing anyway.

There’s nothing better than nipping off to the loos for a sly one on paid time.

I used to enjoy working out how long I’d taken and therefore how much money I’d just got paid for touching myself instead of doing real work…

Anyway. Instead of stupid, well-meaning aspirations that I’ll never stick to, I came up with something else. None of this ‘new year, new me’ crap - New year, same me because I‘m amazing.

So, yeah. No resolutions. Just a couple of rules. I’m not big on rules - something in me immediately wants to do exactly what I’ve just been told I’m not allowed to, which can be awkward and is probably enough of a reason to never allow me near a gun. Or fireworks. Or Jason Momoa. So there’s only 4.

Four rules for living well, according to me, anyway.

Rule 1: Don’t be a dick. It would be great to think that this one went without saying, but we all need a reminder occasionally.

I don’t like having a rule defined in the negative, but when it was ‘Be Nice’, I ended up in all sorts of irritating situations, like when I lent the best part of a grand to a housemate at university and then never saw him again, or not punching the housemate who woke me up in the middle of the night by having loud sex with my ex boyfriend…

Actually, I’m seeing a pattern here. Maybe Rule 1 should be ‘live with better people’. Although that’s covered by Rule 3, so we’ll come back to that.

So, yeah. ‘Be nice’ isn’t the same as ‘don’t be a dick’, although there is a lot of overlap there.

Don't be a dick comes in two flavors: Don't be a dick to other people, fine, but in the process, don’t be a dick to yourself, which includes letting other people be a dick to you. When I was Being Nice, I let people walk all over me a little bit, so in the process I was being a dick to myself.

I don’t know about you, but no-one is harsher about me and the stuff I do than I am to myself. And part of Rule 1 is being ok with who you are, not beating yourself up for not being perfect and just generally treating yourself a little better. Speaking of better...

Rule 2: Make things better. Any of the things. All of the things. Wherever possible, make the world a slightly better place. None of this ‘one good deed a day’ shiz - why limit yourself to one thing a day? It's not like you charge for them. Do as many positive things as you can.

I’m not saying save the world every day, or run around looking for homeless people to hand over all of your worldly goods to, Rule 1 still applies, remember. It’s little things like helping an old lady with their stuff up the stairs or holding the door for someone is a good start. And just generally have a positive impact on whatever situation you’re a part of.

Whatever room you're in, make sure that your being there improves things, however slightly. If you're not improving the situation with your presence, find another room. Whether that's with your work or social life or anything, really.

To the best of your ability, make sure that in every situation you're being a positive influence and not being a dick to anyone else or running yourself ragged trying to please people - see how it goes nicely with Rule one?

Everyone's mission in life should be to leave things just a little bit better than when they found them. And you know sometimes that can be just be blowjobs. Everyone loves a gob job occasionally. I mean on that score alone and I should be up for some kind of Nobel Prize.

The key here is not doing things because you feel like you should, but because doing it makes you feel good and it really does. It’s weird. Having a positive impact on someone else's life for no other reason than because you can makes you feel good. Unless they’ve eaten something really spicy the night before.

And yeah you could instead just go off and become a banker and make a ton of money off the backs of other people and not care about anyone else but… Then what? You’ve got all the money? Great. Well done you. Now, explain why you’re still miserable and feeling unfulfilled. And then compare that with the feeling you get after doing a nice thing for someone.

Rule 3: Your time is limited spend it wisely. Which again sits nicely with rules one and two. But there's more to it than that.

Surround yourself with people who support and encourage you in doing whatever makes you happy. People who care for you and are excited by the things you do and the things you want to do. Make sure your job is fulfilling, and if not then at least have a solid reason for why you’re doing it, along with a plan to move into something that makes you feel more fulfilled. Don't just fall into something and just stick with it because that's what you’ve always done.

You don't get a lot of time. It’s something we all forget. Your time is very limited and it's important to embrace that. It can be a little scary, especially when you’re in a place in your life that isn’t where you thought you’d be, but it’s not too late to change.

Here’s a little exercise for you to do: Close your eyes and imagine yourself old, on your deathbed, each breath becoming harder as your tired old body slowly gives up after a long and eventful life. Your time is very nearly over.

As you lie there, look back over my life, and think of all the things you would do if you were still young enough and full of energy, how you wish you’d not made so many excuses for mediocrity, how you’d have spent life differently, not doing stupid, pointless jobs when there’s more interesting, fulfilling and exciting stuff you could be doing. Do that for a moment, really start to get into all of the regrets of a life only half-lived. Then open your eyes - BAM, old you got their wish. Now, go do it.

So, to recap:

Don’t be a dick to yourself or anyone else,

Have a positive impact,

Spend your time wisely

Oh, cock. I said four rules, didn’t I?

Let's say Rule Four is... never fake an orgasm. I’ve done that far too often, although you’ll be happy to hear, never when I was on the clock. Those ones are always the real deal. Professionalism, innit.