“I’m Jealous of His Laptop”

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I have been in a relationship with a boyfriend for about three months. I’m a very independent person currently in the final four months of my degree. I am not a needy or clingy person and find it hard to understand those who are. My boyfriend, as lovely as he is, has had his fair share of difficult woman.

Anyway, here are my problems with him:

1. He hardly listens to me. I don’t talk in great quantities and when he asks me a question he reverts it back to him and then goes on about whatever obsession he has going on in his OCD brain. I don’t mind it when he rants away but I do mind when he then asks me the same damn question again. This can go on for about five to seven repetitions of the same question. I try to be patient but it does annoy me that he won’t listen to me.

2. He brings his laptop into the bedroom — not to watch porn either but to go onto eBay. I have asked him quietly not to as it annoys me since the bedroom is for sleep and intimate moments. Not Shopping!!! I’ll make a lot of effort to wear a sexy nightie or whatever and then he’ll ignore me! Each time I tell him I’m angry, it takes about seven times before it vaguely goes in.

3. I’m not a demanding person and I like my space but he pulls a quilt trip on me when I want to stay at my house instead of with him. This wouldn’t be a problem except we don’t spend time together when I’m at his place as he is either obsessing over his laptop or doing something that he just shouldn’t be doing with other people in the house!

His self-centeredness is driving me nuts. I am so tired of the bloke messing me around and I am so bored of being what feels like a spare part in this relationship! Yes, I am jealous of the time he spends on his goddamn laptop and, yes, I have considered smashing the damn thing! — Laptop Jealousy

Three months together and you’re already feeling like a spare part in this relationship? Three months together and your boyfriend would rather shop on eBay than turn his attention to you in a sexy nightie? Oh, hon, no. MOA. I’ve had relationships with gym socks that sound more stimulating than what you’ve got going on with your boyfriend.

Three months is a honeymoon period. If you’re having multiple problems in the first six months of a relationship due to personality clashes, disparate interests or schedule conflicts, there’s no point in trying to salvage things. Just MOA and find a better match.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

While I agree with Wendy, I would say that the major red flag for me would be LW’s third complaint – they’re only three months into a relationship and she shouldn’t be on the receiving end of pressure and a guilt trip for wanting some space or some alone time. Oh and the second – 3 months in the guy should NOT be ignoring her in a nightie.

I would like to point out, though, that some of his “selfish” habits may not be so much a sign that he’s a selfish person, but may just be that he’s a little bit thoughtless. There have been COUNTLESS times that I’ve been talking to my fiance and meanwhile his mind’s wandering around thinking of school work he has to get done or that he needs to change the oil on the cars. I used to think that when he’d drift off while I was talking or that when he’d forget to do things that I’d asked him to do, that he was being selfish and uncaring – and I’ve since realized that sometimes it’s just harder for him to stay focused and to remember things than it is for me. I am by no means trying to make the assumption that the same thing is going on in your situation – it’s all about context and I think we’d need more here to make that judgment call.

That said – if his failing to listen or take your feelings into account is less about him being someone who is a little unfocused and is more about him not caring about your needs above his (and that’s something only you can really tell – I know nothing specific about your interactions) then I TOTALLY agree with Wendy and MOA.

You know, though, if you get right down to it, selfish and thoughtless are often the exact same thing. I mean, if this guy’s so wrapped up in himself and his own wants and needs and doesn’t even consider that there’s another person who might need or want something else, it doesn’t get much more selfish than that. My ex was like this, and initially I let him slide because I figured maybe he was thoughtless, like you said. But ultimately, it occurred to me that, “Wait, I’m *here.* I’m not invisible. I’m six feet tall and I talk a fair amount. He knows I’m here. He just doesn’t care.”

It has its good days and its bad days 🙂 Some days I feel statuesque and intimidating, and other days – like when I wear heels and someone asks, “Why do you wear heels? You’re tall enough already – I would give my right arm to just be able to blend in a little.

I hear you, I´m not that tall by US standards (1,75m = about 5´8″?), but here in Argentina people, esp. women tend to be a lot shorter than that. So I usually tower over people. Not to mention how hard it is to get long wnough jeans/dresses.

I don’t disagree with you, generally – but I do think that sometimes not everyone is able to be as focused as everyone else. Like I said, my fiance is a mind-wanderer sometimes. Of course, in general, he’s not a thoughtless or selfish person, but he’s been known to miss a big chunk of conversation because he’s thinking about something else (usually trying to come up with some kind of joke). When one of us thinks that the other one has stopped paying attention, we’ve started saying “monkey butt” because if the other person is tuned in at all, that will break them out of it! I think it’s all about context. Does his mind wander sometimes and he has trouble remembering things or staying focused? Or does he never take the time to do anything thoughtful or caring for you?

I think the difference is that a person who is simply thoughtless will respond positively when you bring it up – “oh, jeez, I didn’t realize, sorry” or something of the sort, and then make an effort to change the thing that’s bothering you, whereas a truly selfish person will just not care and will either ignore your feelings or just pay lip service to get you off their backs and then not really change.

The other day, my boyfriend was feeling upset over something (outside of our relationship). his coping method when he’s upset is usually to just isolate himself for a while and cool off. So that night, he stayed late at work. However, he neglected to tell me where he was or why, and while burying himself in work he also wasn’t answering my texts asking what was going on. I was freaked out – I thought either something had happened and he was in trouble, which was scary, or that he was avoiding me, which hurt my feelings.
Thing is, he actually thought he was being considerate by staying in the office while he cooled off, therefore sparing me having to be around him while he was feeling peevish – it never dawned on him that I would be upset or worried when he didn’t come home on time. It was thoughtless, but when he did come home and realized how upset I was, he felt bad and explained and apologized. I told him that I’m fine with him needing some space, I just need him to tell me what’s going on so I don’t worry. He promised he would, we hugged and made up and everything was fine. And in the past week he’s suddenly started letting me know exactly when he’ll be home, every day.

Here, however, it sounds like the LW has expressed how she feels, and been brushed off and ignored. So I don’t think we can give this guy the benefit of the doubt.

Yeah, I’m with Wendy. It sounds like you’ve pointed out a lot of great reasons that prove you two just aren’t a good match. Every relationship has “problems” that sometimes need to be addressed and overcome. But when that many “problems” surface after only 3 months in a relationship, they really aren’t problems that need to be worked through. They’re just signs of incompatibility. MOA, LW.

Yea – not looking good. I would try to communicate all of this first though. Give it a short time line and if he is following through you can extend that time line out until you are satisfied with his behavior. I suggest a short time line with future “check points” because the relationship is very new and it should be a pretty quick adjustment if it is going to happen – otherwise you are wasting your time.

On a side note…I get infuriated at young guys in this situation that turn a woman’s advances down…lap top? seriously?….I mean I self-admit it has been a while for me so I’m probably on the opposite end of this spectrum but wtf?!

RIGHT??? Admittedly I’m female, but I just *don’t* turn down a partner’s advances because I usually want to get some too! (well, unless it’s a particular time of the month). So I’m curious about these people who are regularly rejecting their partners. Especially after only three months!

But it sounds like she is just wearing clothes and not doing anything. Obviously, if she is wearing something that is obviously 5 second wear, that is one thing. But it sounds to me like she is saying “But I wore clothes…he should know.”

Well, it depends on the nightie…if it’s got garters it CAN be a lot of trouble, lol. Actually I can kind of commiserate with that one. It always sucks to put in a lot of effort to look sexy and not have it acknowledged. BUT I think that’s one of those things that happens with guys, since they don’t get hints sometimes they don’t really notice when you put in the effort.

And of course some guys really aren’t into lingerie much. I spent $150 on something nice to wear when I saw my bf at Christmas and while he definitely liked it, he likes regular naked me just as much.

But seriously, if I take the time to change into some lacy stringy thing…my man better take note. But thats because I don’t do it very often. If this chick is putting on a sexy nighty every night, he might just think thats what she likes to sleep in.

Oh jeez, don’t even with the garters. I knew my BF had a thing for stockings shortly after we met, so I went out and bought the whole shebang (fortunately I found something affordable.) I seriously actually hurt myself trying to get those bedamned back garters done up over my bubble butt. Very not sexy. So now it’s thigh-high stay-ups and frilly underwear – no fiddly clasps to do up and luckily Sir appreciates them just as much. 😉

I agree. But it is more about the attitude then the outfit. I wear a nasty tattered robe around my house. Sometimes, I flash my boobs at my husband in it. He loves that. It isn’t the robe, it is the attitude.

It was probably really amazing and exciting in the first month and he did everything in the world to woo her, which is why she’s holding on. I went through the same thing at one point… the first month was so intense and amazing and then all of a sudden it was like he didn’t give a shit… you hold on hoping it’s just something that came up and things will get back to the way they were… but if after another month the guy STILL doesn’t give a shit?? Let it go!!

Yeah, my eyes always start to twitch when LWs go right from “we’ve only been dating a few months” right to “here’s all the things that are wrong with him” without stopping at “everything’s awesome, except”. In a relationship that young, you should be DYING to gush to the whole internet about how awesome everything is. If your first thoughts are all problems, welllllp…..
I’ve got a baaad feeling about this.

Sometimes I feel really bad for the LWs when they are pondering what to do in a bad relationship. Most of the time, they sound really torn up about the whole thing because they feel love or at least deeply care for the guy. This one however… it sounds like there is no reason to stay. Your letter is just dripping with dislike for him. And that’s fine. You don’t need our permission to break up with this useless guy. I honestly think you will bounce right back after you break up! Good luck 🙂

i agree with everyone so far after only 3 months, things shouldn’t be this hard and you shouldn’t have so much resentment built up against him, if it was a healthy relationship. and who chooses eBay over sex? you can try communicating this issue to him again but it sounds like it’s probably not going to do him much good. the neediness is also kind of off putting. i just personally don’t think it’s worth saving.

LW you have 3 clear reasons why you don’t like this guy. So why are you dating him? Seriously, it sounds like you two have poor communication, a lack of romance, and you’re harboring resentment towards him. Sorry but I think this one is a lost cause.

Also, my personal rule is no tv/laptop/iPad in the bedroom. My bed is for sleeping and sexy time only.

There wasn’t even a question in this letter, it was just a list of complaints. It’s like something you’d hear at a marriage counseling session. If you’re such an independent person and not needy or clingy, what is it you’re holding on to here? Is he hung like a man of war? Does he have chocolate flavored semen?

And I’m sorry, but “sexy nightie” is a bit of an oxymoron. My grandmother wears nighties.

I had to re-read it a few times before I realized it was meant to be “guilt”. Of course, I’ve been up most of the night and am on a lot of medication this morning. I thought maybe he had a blanket of shame to put her under when his friends came over. Never know with his proclivities she’d hinted at when his friends came over!

It sounds like you’re trying to be all patient with him because of his past with “difficult” women- maybe you don’t want to get lumped into that category? But he doesn’t deserve patience. You shouldn’t need to repeat yourself 6 or 7 times in order to make him understand you’re annoyed at something. And he shouldn’t ignore you for eBay while you’re next to him in bed- especially, like Wendy said, during the honeymoon period! No relationship should look like this at the 3 month mark, and you guys haven’t spent enough time together to justify trying to make it work. My advice is also to just move on.

Yeah, my ex the Vegan would talk about his demanding exes and I would buy it, thinking “Poor guy, he needs a laid-back girl like me!” And then six months later I found myself angrily snapping at him, “You don’t treat me like a girlfriend! You treat me like a FWB! One that you don’t like very much! And you don’t actually have that much sex with!” or whining “Why do I even bother coming to your place if you’re just going to play on your MacBook and ignore me?” And it hit me at some point: this is what he meant by demanding. And I’m all of a sudden transformed into this needy, whiny, naggy pain in the ass. He didn’t want a girlfriend; he wanted a cat. And also that his talk about his awful exes had made me feel like if he was going to love me, I had better not ask anything of him, and that entire first six months I had kept quiet even though his neglect had been hurtful. This guy brought out my worst, neediest, most insecure self, and it sounds like the LWs boyfriend is cut from the sane cloth.

I had a BF like that. He invited me over to his house for the evening and proceeded to spend the entire time playing some video game while I sat on the couch. It wouldn’t have been so bad except that he invited me! I told him that if I had known I was going to spend the evening alone on the couch I would’ve stayed home. He told me that he wanted the kind of relationship where we could sit together in a room doing our own thing and it would be okay. Well, that kind of relationship takes time, after you have had an opportunity to get comfortable with each other. We were not living together and hadn’t been dating very long. At that stage in the relationship, I was more interested in doing things with him than by myself and was less than flattered. Overall, he was quite immature and had very set parameters of what a relationship should be, which included all the time he wanted on his computer. Of course, I didn’t figure this out until later, not being very experienced myself. MOA.

At the risk of outing myself in real life (because this is a phrase I throw out there a lot) – when you have the same complaints about different people/situations/things – you really need to ask yourself – who’s the common denominator here?

Love that phrase. And to the Vegan’s credit, our mutual friends say he hasn’t dated anyone since me, so at the very least he’s not inflicting himself any further onto people. Maybe he figured out it was him, though were I in his shoes the thing that would have changed was my approach, not whether or not I dated anyone.

“He didn’t want a girlfriend; he wanted a cat” Gahh yes, one of my bfs was like this exactly. And I reacted the same way as you did at the beginning of the relationship– he would complain about his ex & all I felt like I could do was agree half-heartedly that she sounded nuts while learning to never ask anything of him, ever.

I’m dying to know – what do you mean he’s “doing something that he just shouldn’t be doing with other people in the house”? Smoking pot? Having an orgy? Smoking pot and having an orgy? My mind is wandering.

P.S. I sleep with my laptop, and I Dear Wendy in bed all the time. Lately, more than I have sex in that damn bed. FML.

Ha! Well I was thinking more about him locking himself in his bedroom or bathroom and then sauntering out ten minutes later like nothing happened. I guess when I think about things you shouldn’t do when other people are in the house that’s where my mind goes, lol.

am i the only person who feels like this letter was written by an uneducated 15 year old? my god… it’s horribly written (especially for someone who claims to be in the final 4 months of a degree) and it seems like the LW is in some sort of childish relationship. how someone could even think of staying in a relationship like this is beyond me. and not only that, but she is seriously confused enough to write to wendy. i’m not sure how anyone could want to fix this relationship.
of course, wendy is right, this relationship is ridiculous and the writer needs to move on. but i’m shocked this letter was even taken seriously. i was embarrassed for the girl as i was reading it.

Mostly agree but I held out a little doubt because of how it’s written. It almost sounds like something she sat down and spouted out while in a terrible mood, or on the heels of an argument. You know, how you can see things in a really overblown way in the heat of the moment.

SRSLY. Can we talk about whether or not he’s some kind of compulsive shopper? I mean, I understand, it’s easy to get sucked into the rabbit holes of eBay or Amazon or Wikipedia. But how often does he shop online? Is it an every night kinda thing? What’s he shopping for?

My next door neighbor and my close friend’s mother both do a lot of online shopping. The former seems to do it to fill an emotional void (most of the clothes and shoes and decor in her house still have tags). The latter has become a full-blown hoarder, even though she started with the idea that she’d buy stuff low and fix it or refurbish it and make a profit. All that stuff has ended up filling two sheds in the backyard and piling high inside the house (it’s kinda like walking through a bookshelf and stack maze).

I can sooo see that. And people like this (who have “crazy ex” stories) unfortunately always seem to have an advantage because they leave out all background and context when they’re telling somebody. “She was jealous…of my laptop!!!! Can you BELIEVE IT? Like, it’s only an inanimate object, how crazy can you get?” Ugh.

Yeah, I’m inclined to agree. “My ex is crazy!”, especially ALL of them, is a big waving red flag to me. Also the mere fact that she’s heard all about his difficult dating history in the first three months. Weird.

I’ve been dating for the past 15 years (cue SATC’s Charlotte – “Where IS he?!?!”) – and this is one of the main red flags that I FINALLY know not to ignore. Repeating myself from above, but here the common denominator is the guy in the situation. His perspective is clearly skewed.

Yeah It seems like this guy has pretty much jumped right from seriously dating mode to husband mode in just 3 months, and is just to comfortable already. I do like Budj’s Idea of talking to him one more time, and giving him a very very short time line if you think there is something really worth pursuing, but honestly it doesn’t sound like you are into anymore, and if that is the case definitely move on, because it isn’t worth getting aggravated about. Go find a guy that wants to listen to Boys to Men, and get all up on ya, because that’s what I’d be doing if you were wearing a turtle neck, and snow pants if you gave me the “I want to fuck eyes”. Tell him he should have used the buy it now option, because you are giving it up to the next highest bidder, because they want it more!

Okay, it sounds like the boyfriend could have untreated ADHD. The frequent interrupting, inability to listen/remember what others have said, talking on and on, compulsive behavior in the bedroom…these all jump out at me as possible ADHD symptoms. Full disclosure, I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD, and I’ve likely had it my whole life. I love my boyfriend so much, and he’s super hot, but sometimes the thought of sex makes me anxious because, even though I like sex with him, it’s not enough stimulation. And when it’s over, the cuddling is agonizing. I feel so restless; all I want to do is get up and do something else.

People with ADHD tend to frustrate the hell out of their partners (and tend to have more breakups/divorces than those without). With a diagnosis, adequate treatment, and thorough education, it can get a lot better.

But that’s mostly advice for the boyfriend, who didn’t write into us. Honestly, it doesn’t sound like there’s enough of a foundation between these two for the LW to try to get him to seek diagnosis/treatment. But reading up on ADHD, while it won’t save the relationship, might help explain the boyfriend’s behavior better.

I can second this. Besides hilarious/weird outbursts adding entertainment to my life, my little brothers ADHD really has caused some issues with his gf. She only has to repeat herself twice though….(which is enough to cause fights sometimes which I think is ridiculous)

I was going to say the exact same thing. My boyfriend has ADHD, and even though he takes medication for it, it usually wears off around 7 at night. And a lot of the complaints this LW had are familiar to me… the not listening, the talking too much, the unpredictability. It takes a lot of getting used to, and I would imagine it would be confusing if they had no idea he had ADHD. There are times when I’m talking to my boyfriend, and I realize a few sentences in that he’s staring at a commercial on TV without moving and didn’t hear a word I said. Once I tell him he’s not paying attention, he snaps out of his ‘trance,’ apologizes and makes more of an effort to listen. All this is to say he should really look into the possibility that he has ADHD and it’s distracting him from the LW.

You beat me to it! I just got diagnosed myself recently actually. But yea, you are completely right about the symptoms and how it might explain his behavior. The computer in bed shopping thing could definitely be a form of hyperfocus.

Yeah, I figure after just three months when it’s not working out for whatever reason you don’t really need to give an explanation, just “It’s not working out and I want to see other people.” If this guy is so wrapped up in his laptop he probably won’t even notice if you skip that part and just stop coming around.

“I am not a needy or clingy person and find it hard to understand those who are.”

…and yet you are clinging to a stupid relationship. That’s a whole lot worse than a dependent gal clinging to a man who actually treats her with respect. If you’re as independent as you claim, you should have no problem dumping your boyfriend and finding someone who enjoys spending time with you.

Walk away now. Please. You can’t compete with the rush of eBay. Seriously, you can’t. The thrill of the hunt, the competition of outbidding some asshole who keeps one-upping you, the elation of winning that kitchy little piece of junk that you found and “just had to have” for $253 (plus shipping and handling, and the handling is just another way for the seller to jack up the price, doncha know?) all because “that asshole” had to keep trying to one-up you.

Walk away or you will end up having YOUR MONEY sucked into this as well because he will be spending all of his on eBay. It’s an addiction, and with his other issues (OCD, ignoring you, his selfish tendencies with his friends), and the fact that you’ve been together for the equivalent of one season – you are wasting your time.

I’m sorry but I stopped reading after you said you’re laying next to him in bed in freaking lingerie and he still wants to be on ebay …. huh?! /facepalm. Considering that it’s only been 3 months and that selfish people tend to resist the idea that they’re selfish in the first place, I say you MOA and find another guy that will appreciate some lingerie!

What are you getting out of this? I mean really, from what you’ve told us, he ignores having conversations with you or interacting with you in any way, AND he ignores you sexually. After only three months! Despite usually ignoring you, he still pressures you and whines for you to come over, and what, sit and stare at him while he ignores you some more?

The only positive thing you say about him is that he “lovely”. What does that mean? Nothing else you’ve said about him gives off that impression. Perhaps, for the sake of brevity, you’ve left out his good qualities, but going alone on what you’ve given us, I agree, MOA. Its only been three months, you haven’t invested that much energy, so just pull up stakes and find someone who’s on the same wavelength as you.