I try and convince myself that I don’t love him anymore but he slips through the cracks within the spaces of my mind without me even realising. I am over what happened, I’m no longer bitter, or hurt and I accept that he most likely does not think about me anymore. But it doesn’t and never will change the fact that I will always love him, like I knew I would when I fell in love with him. Like I knew I would after he broke up with me. Like I promised I would. I knew I had no choice, I will always love him and he will always hold a place in my heart, always. A place that could never ever be replaced by any other boy. A place where his name is and always will be, and I knew it from the start.

I’m okay with that. I would never wish to see him again, although every time I leave the house when I’m at home I anticipate seeing him, and the foolish side of me does wish to see him. Even though every time the number 23 bus passes me by I visually search the bus thoroughly just incase he is on it. And I still wonder if he ever sees the number 9 bus and thinks of me. Or whether he still passes my house on the way to work on the train.

I haven’t seen you for what must be about a year now, I know you’re doing well and that you’re happy, and – that, from the bottom of my heart is all I ever wanted. Even when I was bitter and called you names, it’d break my heart to know that you were unhappy. And like I always said, if I was not the one to make you happy then I’m glad you left.

I’m in a new relationship now, with a boy I love with all my heart, a boy who taught me that actually, what you gave me was not the best I deserved. That the way you treated me was not the best way I could have been treated. That our relationship, was not in fact, as amazing as I thought it was. But nothing will ever change the fact that what I felt for you was so real and so true. I let myself fall so hard for you, so, so fucking hard. You were my first love and nothing will ever change that.

I love you, and always will, but I do not want you. I want you to be happy, and the love I feel for you is no longer a romantic kind of love, its a love where I imagine your face and smile, a love where I only imagine what you might be up to and hope you are as happy as you possibly can be, a love that wishes you a long and joy fulfilled life, and a love that I feel for a lost soul mate. A love that I will always go weak at the knees for, and a love where I will look at you and see you and only you, with all my heart. But also, a love that is content with never seeing you again.

I haven’t spoken to you for so long, it’s weird that I’m really acknowledging your presence in my thoughts, I never really do that.

I ought to sign off here, because maybe there is a part of me that hopes you’ll stumble across this silly note. I don’t know.

Come and say hi!

Letter To My Ex is run by journalist and blogger Rachel Smith. Write a letter of your own, read thousands of letters from all over the world or check out the latest on the blog, where we touch on everything to do with break-ups, exes, single life, dating and relationships in general.
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