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James' Story

“We can never turn back the pages of time, though we may wish to relive a happy moment, or say goodbye just one last time, we never can, because the sands of time continue to fall, and we can’t turn the hourglass over.”

My Kids and I: Letting Go and Moving On

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.”

~Herman Hesse

You Are Stronger Than You Think

"You are stronger than you think, remember to stand tall.

Every challenge in your life helps you to grow.

Every problem you encounter strengthens your mind and your soul.

Every trouble you overcome increases your understanding of life.

When all your troubles weigh heavily on your shoulders, remember that beneath the burden you can stand tall, because you are never given more than you can handle... and you are stronger than you think."

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21 June 2010

My Dad's stroke in 2007 left him half-paralyzed and it was really a miracle how he got to talk and walk again although with some difficulty. He still refuses to use a wheelchair until now.

He looked frail yesterday when my kids and I went to visit him and my Mom for our Father's Day celebration. He was doing his usual walking exercises when we got there but as soon as he sat down to talk to me, that's when I noticed the unsightly edema on his lower right leg. He said it felt heavy but managed to give me a warm smile as if assuring me that it was going to be alright. He said he has meds to take care of the excess water in his body. He admitted that his creatinine is still high but, as if it would make any difference at all, he reassured me that it is much lower than before.

That's when he turned the tables on me. At first, he asked about the condition of his friend's daughter (who happens to be my friend) who is presently in the ICU recuperating from a stroke and a major brain surgery. Then he went in for the kill... Have I checked my cholesterol and sugar levels lately? Did I get that complete blood work-up already? Did I go back for the ECG? Do I monitor my blood pressure? Blah... blah... blah... Of course, all my answers were in the negative. What followed was a long litany of why I should take care of myself. Hesitantly, I ended up promising him I will get all those tests soon and inform him of the results.

Sometimes he forgets that his daughter is over 40 now. Much to my amusement, he occasionally gets into this kind of mood and talks to me like he's talking to one of his grandchildren. Honestly, I do love these small talks with him. We don't get to do this often anymore because he gets tired easily now.

I really miss those times when we could talk for hours over a bottle of brandy or a few rounds of beers. I remember it clearly-- I would get us our glasses, open a bottle, start a boring conversation about politics and keep him company as he gets busy preparing our dinner (you see, cooking was his passion)... and he would know I needed someone to talk to.

There was so much laughter back then. And so much tears (over broken friendships and relationships). My siblings and I felt that we could tell him anything. The Christmas and the New Year celebrations with my mom, brother and sister were the best as we would all stay awake drinking (except my Mom), laughing, sharing some little wisdom and teasing each other and, not surprisingly, debating UNTIL SUNRISE! Simply the best drinking buddies you could ever find! Now that li'l bro and li'l sis are miles away from us, I'm sure that our family bonding time in the past is what they miss most too.

MY LITTLE GIRL

By Tim McGraw

Gotta hold on easy as I let you go

Gonna tell you how much I love you

Though you think you already know

I remember I thought you looked like an angel

Wrapped in pink so soft and warm

You've had me wrapped around your finger

Since the day you were born

You beautiful baby from the outside in

Chase your dreams but always know the road

That'll lead you home again

Go on, take on this old world

But to me you know you will always be

My little girl

When you were in trouble that crooked little smile

Would melt my heart of stone

Now look at you I've turned around

And you've almost grown

Sometimes you're asleep I whisper "I love you"

In the moonlight at your door

As I walk away I hear you say

"Daddy, love you more"

You beautiful baby from the outside in

Chase your dreams but always know the road

That'll lead you home again

Go on, take on this old world

But to me you know you will always be

My little girl

Someday, some boy will come

And ask me for your hand

But I won't say yes to him unless I know

He's the half that makes you whole

He has a poet's soul, and the heart of a man's man

I know he'll say that he's in love

But between you and me

He won't be good enough

You beautiful baby from the outside in

Chase your dreams but always know the road

That'll lead you home again

Go on, take on this old world

But to me you know you will always be

My little girl

Photo: My niece and brother-in-law spending quiet time together at a Florida beach... a big thanks to my li'l sis Lourdes for allowing me to use this beautiful photo.

17
POINTS OF VIEW:

I grew up trying to prove something to my father to get his approval, hoping to get at least the simpliest gesture of a nod from him I felt he missed to give me completely until his death.

I was the only one in the family who was away when he was dying. He always thought he still had the time to make me feel it, but he run out of time and died telling me it was not yet time for me to come home.

I have come to terms with my resentment with my father, accepting his purpose in my story. His being distant helped me found myself on my own.

You are very lucky to have such a great father, I never had such bonding with mine. He always see faults in me instead. But I think whatever kind of parents we have, they are still necessary in molding us to become the best forms that we could be. I thank my father now, his criticisms I grew up trying to prove wrong helped me define the person that I am.

Happy Father's Day to your Dad and to all the fathers in the world. I told my mother and my siblings to light a candle for my father back home. Wherever he is now, I hope he look down to see me found my way.

Great post... and great song. Cherish your time with your Dad... even when he's lecturing you... ;) I miss my father every day since he passed away just over 8 years ago. I was, and will always be, a daddy's girl...

You are a true gift and you are certainly blessed with words, stories and memories of wonderful times with your family! I appreciate so much that you share these moments here they are a constant reminder of hope, faith and the greatest of all love. You are a beautiful reflection of these three!

jeques, thanks for sharing your story. it made me sad actually... how i wish i can share with all of you the love that my siblings and i got from our dad.

until now, he continues to encourage us. if we had faults while growing up, he highlighted our strengths. he pointed them out to us so we could use them. he has always been optimistic. and nobody could beat his sense of humor.

i feel so blessed that both of my parents are still around to impart to my kids the same love, moral values and wisdom that i grew up in.

again, thank you so much for sharing your story. i am happy to hear that you found your way. things happen for a reason and they always turn out for the best. God bless!

hi jingle... thanks for the birthday greeting. it is a lovely father-daughter picture indeed but that's my niece and my brother-in-law. i'm glad you like the post. :D i hope you had a meaningful celebration of father's day.

poemsbysam, i do love every moment i spend with my dad and mom. i don't resent these lectures which he lovingly gives. they make me feel like a little girl again, something that i welcome. in fact, i always look forward to this kind of special moment with my him.

thanks for visiting my site... a note of gratitude from one daddy's little girl to another :)

quilly, my dad means a lot to me and words are not enough to express that. if only i could share his love with everyone who has never felt or experienced how wonderful a father's unconditional love is, i would do so right now. i am so blessed to still have him and my mom now that i am singlehandedly raising my 3 kids, who lost their own dad. :)

About Me

On January 25, 2005, I lost my husband. Welcome to my random thoughts about losing James and finding myself again. For in this journey called Life, "there is no such thing as a negative experience... only opportunities to grow."

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Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you decide to see beyond the imperfections.

"Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward to the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage and confidence." ~ Og Mandino

If I could wish for my life to be perfect, it would be tempting, but I would have to decline, for life would no longer teach me anything.