10 Things I Have Learned As An Unemployed College Grad

I graduated last month from college and moved back to my sleepy New England town where I have all the time in the world to surf the internet figure out the meaning of life. Here are a few revelations I’ve had.

Facebook is only fun and interesting if you are procrastinating on writing a term paper or studying for a neuroscience final. Facebook’s incredible inanity is only revealed to you when you have hours of free time to stare at your newsfeed, waiting for someone to update their status or listen to another song on Spotify.

“Entry level” actually means you need a Bachelors degree plus two to three years of experience. Ironically, the only way you can get two to three years of experience is by doing an entry-level job.

It is possible to StumbleUponuntil the end of the internet, and have to start back at the beginning.

Symptoms of the discouraged worker include: wearing your pajamas all day and watching clips from the Ellen Degeneres YouTube channel, rereading the Harry Potter series until you start quoting Dumbledore in your cover letter, and online window shopping. The only known antidote is watching a “feel-good social and cultural documentary” on Netflix and avowing to change the world (until you realize that online window shopping is way easier).

Storage Wars is the best show on television today. Yuuuuuuuuuup. (And if Brandi and Jarrod can make a living, so can you.)

As you watch your checking account diminish from lack of income, things like recycling cans for change and selling Perler bead coasters on Etsy start looking like attractive options to make some petty cash.

Babysitting salaries are not “commensurate with experience.” You will get paid the same amount as a 15-year-old One Direction fan who has no idea what a Giffen good is. Also, babysitting employers do not offer 401ks.

Some days your greatest achievements will be getting three stars in your Angry Birds level or doing laundry and not losing a sock. It is okay to celebrate these achievements.

It only takes three weeks of living at home to tear down the drinking tolerance you built up during your four years of college. On the flip side, one six pack of beer can last you a week, and you no longer have to drink Natty Light.