Millionaires Are Having More Sex Than You (Or, Seriously the Most WTF Press Release I Have Ever Received: The Sequel)

So remember that totally wacky press release I got sent in September informing me of the existence of an online dating site geared towards matching absurdly rich, attractive people with other absurdly rich, attractive people? Well… they’re back. And this time, they want to tell us everything there is to know about the sex lives of millionaires—especially with regards to how they compare to non-millionaires.

The introduction was enough to tip me off that we were about to be heading into some supremely wacky stuff: “While millionaires have more sex, more often, than non-millionaires,” my erstwhile PR contact wrote, “there is a difference between Male and Female Millionaires. See formal release below.”

Stop it. Stop RIGHT THERE. How do you KNOW that millionaires are having more sex, more often than non-millionaires? I call bullshit. In fact, let us examine the overwhelming amounts of bullshit present by dissecting this sucker bit by bit:

1. Number of partners:

“While nationwide surveys by the National Center for Health Statistics (a branch of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) have shown that the average Americans aren’t having a lot of sex. For example, a full 25% of women and 17% of men report having no more than one partner of the other sex in their lifetime. Only 17% of men and 10% of women reported having two or more sexual partners in the past year.

“Well, our members are certainly way above average in this department.”

According to whatever source this strange and bizarre online dating site is using, male millionaires average three new partners in a 12-month period, while women average four new partners in the same time frame. Also, they were “surprised to learn that rich women averaged more sexual partners per year than their male counterparts.”

The press release fails to note that the survey they claim shows that “the average Americans aren’t having a lot of sex” is over a decade old. Just clicking the link to it reveals that it was conducted with data gathered between 1999 and 2002. LOTS can change in ten or fifteen years, so if you’re going to rely on statistics to argue your case, at least make sure they’re RECENT.

“When it comes to our members, it looks like both male and female millionaires are willing to move a little faster.”

How much faster? Millionaire men allegedly have sex within the first two dates; for millionaire women, it’s four. But really, the question here is: Why does it matter? No one should ever be made to feel like they should have sex with someone before they’re ready. If it’s after two dates, great; if it’s after ten, also great. Telling us that a certain group of people you want us to envy are moving faster isn’t impressing anyone. It’s a bully tactic.