At a time when the British public don’t really have much to laugh about, given the terror attacks on Westminster Bridge, the Manchester bombing, the Borough Market atrocity and the Grenfell Tower catastrophe, the Daily Express doesn’t disappoint when it comes to disseminating rank hypocrisy. Indeed, it would be funny or at best bitterly ironic that the “respectable” face of Britain First wallows in its own excrement, but it really isn’t.

This is the Express – an organ that refers to itself as a news outlet, which in itself is a laughable concept, accusing Corbyn supporters of spreading fake news.

It should be funny, but it isn’t.

This is the Express – the arsewipe of a rag that’s been spreading outright lies about the EU for decades, the Muslim hating Express, the rag which preys on benefit recipients and single mothers, the Express that detests refugees, the Express that shits and pisses on reality on a daily basis on its vile website frequented by vile basement dwelling sexually frustrated individuals.

The Express are the people who spread outright lies about the EU – banning bacon sandwiches, banning curved bananas, stating that the EU is an unelected dictatorship.

The very same Express which publishes stories about Barack Obama and Angela Merkel passing secret “Illuminati” hand signals, that can’t even give a reliable weather report, that basically spouts zero other than absolute bollocks on any given occasion.

They’ve accused Corbyn “supporters” of spreading fake news regarding reporting restrictions on the control of casualty figures from the Grenfell Tower catastrophe on a blog. Actually the Express are clutching at straws and failing as usual with these lurid accusations by attempting to associate them directly with Jeremy Corbyn.

In short – it’s all bollocks. Everything the Express publishes is bollocks.

And worst of all, it’s nasty divisive bollocks. The Express epitomises everything that is wrong in this country. We have a brief message for the Express:

Widely condemned by the media for turning his back on Sadiq Khan’s London mayoral acceptance speech, Britain First’s leader Paul Golding was keeping a low profile today – but is Golding really a racist? And was his back turning gesture really a protest? Behavioural expert and prominent psychologist Professor Alfred Epstein is convinced there’s a simple explanation for Golding’s bizarre behaviour.

“I’ve studied the tapes and can only conclude that Golding was distracted,” wrote Professor Epstein in the London Journal of Psychology. “There’s a point where – as Sadiq Khan approaches the microphone – an expression of surprise crosses Golding’s face. Something has obviously startled him and distracted him from the main event. My guess is that he saw a squirrel or something similar larking about in a tree outside.

“We know from his history that Golding is a racist – although he denies it – but I’m convinced that the back turning episode wasn’t racially motivated. He lacks the intelligence for starters, which explains his “Ooh look! A squirrel!” moment. There’s no doubt that the gesture will have been seen and misconstrued by right wing nutters as a gesture of defiance, some form of misguided patriotic protest by a devout Christian soldier “defending our cultural heritage” or some such twaddle.

“It wasn’t. He’d spotted a squirrel. That’s all.

“Either way you care to look at it he comes out of this looking a right bellend.”

France – People traffickers are gearing up for a cash bonanza after discovering legal loopholes caused by historical by-laws which will effectively allow them to transport migrants to Jersey and the Isle of Wight unhindered, and from there on to mainland Britain.

The by-laws – originally introduced in 1939 at the outbreak of World War II – state that Wight and Jersey guarantee safe passage to any person who lands on their shores as a result of flight from persecution.

Once in Wight or Jersey, all migrants will have to do is register at the local police station, where they will be issued with travel warrants – endorsed by the UK government, and funded by the European Union – after which they will be granted immediate entry to the mainland by ferry or by air, unrestricted by HM Border Force regulations on arrival.

The loophole was discovered by left wing infiltrators who were working as researchers at the BBC according to sources, before being relayed to the traffickers, who are reputed to be members of a Turkish crime family based in North London.

Some people traffickers have already set up shop in Creances on the Normandy coast and have already set up a ticket office and hired a number of high turnover vessels in order to facilitate the short voyage to Jersey.

Residents of the Jungle camp at Calais are said to be moving en masse to Cherbourg, where members of the same Turkish gang have leased a decommissioned cross channel ferry, funded by the EU to transport the migrants to Ventnor, on the Isle of Wight.

Officials on both islands are bracing themselves for a massive invasion as the government files emergency legislation in an extraordinary session in a scramble to close the legal loophole.

Jersey based airlines and Isle of Wight ferry operators are said to be working hard to secure additional capacity in order to accommodate the unprecedented influx by transferring them as rapidly as possible to the mainland.

The astonishing declaration of total war was announced shortly before midnight on Leap Year’s February 29th as world leaders recoiled in horror at the content of the Daily Express website.

“Jesus,” a United States Department Of Defence official gasped as he absorbed the Express website’s content and comments. “Do these freaks actually like anybody other than themselves? They hate the French, the Germans, the Pakistanis, Muslims, Catholics, blacks, gays, and even Americans. We need to nuke these bastards immediately.”

Other nuclear powers were in total agreement, including France, India, China, Pakistan and Russia, on the basis that: “the English are a pain in the arse who never did any of us any favours. Let’s nuke ’em and be done with it.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has advised his fellow countrymen to keep calm and carry on, promising a free Anderson shelter to every UK property for when the shit hits the fan and vowing to secure Britain’s borders once it’s become a nuclear wasteland.

The Daily Express confirmed its position as a laughing stock of the British press today by publishing a headline on its website confidently stating: “100,000 say NO to the EU: Poll PROVES Britain wants out of eurozone”

Really?

Now, we know that the Express supports UKIP and tolerates hate speech on a daily basis through its comments section, but could a right wing rag really be so idiotic as to actually believe its own warped version of reality and actually have the effrontery to publish such a nonsensical claim as a headlining story?

Sadly, yes.

Everybody knows that the Express supports UKIP and having demonised single parents and condemned benefit claimants to an eternity of burning brimstone they moved on to wholeheartedly support the demonisation of refugees fleeing a war zone amid a rabid hate campaign against anything remotely Islamic, but do they really expect anyone with half a functioning brain to believe that 92% of Britons want out of the EU?

Let’s just ponder that for a moment.

The Express website is pretty much a closed shop as far as comments go. Unless you’re a UKIP supporting conspiracy theorist lunatic, in which case it’s okay. But be warned – unless you’re a xenophobic, racist, psychotic hate monger you have to be brave to attempt to pose an alternative point of view. If you aren’t a Farage devotee, and have the audacity to speak out in public against these lunatics then you can expect a deluge of abuse, threats of violence, and intimidation from the Express’s bottom feeding denizens.

Did they really say that? Can anybody be THAT stupid?

Dare to say anything rational on the Express comments section and you’ll be branded as a troll by the racist Pegida, Britain First supporting troglodytes who lurk in its depths.

Most of whom by their own admission hold several email accounts and post there under a variety of aliases – and thus have multiple votes in the so-called “poll.”

So 92% PROVE that Britain wants out of the EU?

Really?

92% of certifiable lunatic racist psychotics using multiple votes maybe. Even UKIP stated that the poll results were an embarrassment.

Which PROVES conclusively that the Daily Express and its readers are full of shit and talk absolute bollocks.

Anyone who’s ever taken the trouble to look at the comments sections on Daily Express articles will undoubtedly have found it to be a very strange place indeed. There’s something remarkably other-worldly about this strange fantasy realm, along with its angry orc-like denizens. This is a land where failed politician Nigel Farage is elevated to Divine status, xenophobia is a virtue, and pent up fury is only ever as far away as the next blink of an eye.

It’s a place with a pack mentality and a language of its own; a place where spouting hate seems to be norm. Have the temerity to disagree in this strange land and be prepared to accept a virtual mauling. It’s no place for faint hearts – doubly so if you find being called a ‘traitor,’ a ‘lefty,’ or any number of other unsavoury labels offensive. Sitting in the guest of honour slot at the right hand of the Nigel is a new hero. Vladimir Putin is the new right wing hero because “he’s got balls and he doesn’t fanny about” when it comes to lobbing bombs about.

Something slightly ironic going on here methinks. Adherents of the right supporting a militaristic former KGB officer and lifelong Communist – until the wall came down and not much really changed for the average Russian, other than not being Communists any more. At least not officially. Very strange how the right laud this man, singing his praises over the internet whilst referring to the serving British Prime Minister as “CaMoron.” Almost all DE readers refer to the PM as “CaMoron.” I have no idea why they bother. Perhaps it’s intended to be witty, funny, ironic or even sarcastic, but whatever the reason, it isn’t any of those things. I’m no fan of Cameron myself; I just find it slightly ironic that a bunch of lifelong Conservatives (at least until they discovered UKIP) could be so traitorous ( a very popular word at the DE for all and sundry) to one of their own and even call the Tories ‘lefties.’

Another thing about this hero worship of Mr Putin that doesn’t appear to have been given a great deal of thought as the sabres are rattling – his bombing campaign in Syria is only likely to make the place even more intolerable than it already is for those remaining. So they’re going to flee. Which means more refugees. Which is odd because the readers who comment on the DE don’t like refugees at all, much less economic migrants. The general tone seems to suggest that these people are subhuman and as such ought to be blasted to smithereens. or at least shot. It doesn’t quite square up as a coherent argument, rather like everything UKIP ever says. It sounds dramatic but it makes no sense.

So what does a dissenting occasional columnist do? Joins the fray of course. Which is exactly what I did. I prodded and probed but mainly I just took the piss because what was being said on those pages hardly seemed worthy of formulating a coherent counter argument. In fact, most of it was completely barking mental.

What happens in online fora (or forums if you prefer) is that arguments are good. On the DE site hardly anybody argues because they all have the same opinion, which is repeated over and over again amidst a bit of backslapping. Dissenters usually get myriad responses, usually abusive at one level or another, and I got plenty of responses, at one or other of said levels, mainly it must be said abusive responses.

Abuse is fine by me – I’m used to it – but these people do their homework. Because I used my regular (open) Facebook page on log in, some genius had an idea to trace me and ‘out’ me to the world. Now that’s a piece of detective work even the legendary Holmes would have been proud of. (Not really – it just involved a couple of Google searches that a five year old could have executed.)

And the next move? Well, some genius decided to hint that they know where I live and that they know my home telephone number, and posted some of the detail they’d ‘uncovered’ along with a sort of thinly veiled threat to reveal this ‘secret information’ to extreme right wing groups.’ Basically being patriotic and ‘proper’ British and sort of a way of saying: “We can hurt you.” Which resulted in comments on the relevant thread becoming disabled, because that sort of thing – although it may be democratic (according to personal interpretation) – it is ‘slightly’ illegal.

So after going for a really big shit – not because of them; it was the chicken jalfrezi – I went back and told them I wasn’t going anywhere.

And guess what? No call, no knock on the door – pretty much business as usual. Just empty threats from keyboard warriors with delusions of grandeur.

Having said that, I am concerned that one of them might post dog shit through my letter box while I’m either out or not looking, because that’s the way these people go into battle.

But it hasn’t happened yet. Thing is, I’d rather talk about any issues with these people but they don’t seem capable of discourse. But I have thought of a solution to that. We can meet over a pint in a local pub and converse via email so that they can get their point across by using the ‘CAPS LOCK’ button. No need for any disruption to other customers that way and it keeps the noise levels down.
It was fun for a few days, from the non-existent bacon sandwich ban, to the fictional police ban on wearing a patch in honour of fallen colleagues, through the usual racist and xenophobic nonsense which litter the pages in glorious profusion. Taking the piss was easy, but after a very short time the amusement value faded. After a short time the paranoia on display – the desire to convert Europe to Islam, the Coudenhove-Kalergi plan, the New World Order, the Bilderberg Group – loses its madcap lustre and it all gets very dull indeed. Recently the DE has developed almost as an extension of nut-job groups like Britain First, the EDL and Pegida, which is an insane standpoint for any national newspaper.

So I announced that I was leaving, and got some warm farewell messages (Warm as in I got the impression they’d have been delighted to set me on fire.) and I called it a day.

There’s an old saying that says you can’t preach to the converted, and there’s a great deal of truth in that, but to be brutally honest I think the main reason I stopped taking the piss on the DE is that it’s such a depressing experience. I suppose it’s what happens when you get a small group of like minded delusional people actually believing that they speak for the majority. It’s a bit like having shackles removed at the moment, a blessed relief not to feel the urge to go there.

Unless it’s for the occasional foray in order to rip the piss out of Nigel Farage.

The terrible sequence of events in Paris on Friday 13th have rightfully been covered to saturation point, and for the most part have been covered responsibly and impartially. This isn’t the appropriate time for knee-jerk reactions and it certainly isn’t the time for people of any political stripe to attempt to make cheap capital out of an appalling tragedy. Nor is it the time for certain celebrity obsessed media luvvies to overdose on their own senses of self righteous indignation in order to sell newspapers.

We don’t need to go into specifics, we don’t need to name and shame. The bandwagon jumpers are there for all to see, and they ought to be ashamed of themselves. All the finger pointing and posturing won’t bring those poor victims back. Any reasonable human being regards such behaviour as cheap and nasty.

Show some respect and back off with the one-upmanship bullshit. At times such as this people should be standing together and condemning the murderers and all they stand for. And while we’re at it we should also consider that similar horrors are played out every day somewhere on this great big blue marble we call Earth. Our outrage is spurred by proximity and familiarity; Paris is only a relatively short train journey away, bringing the realisation that it could have been us.

By all means support Paris and condemn the murderous fanatics who perpetrated this outrage, but do so for the simple reason that you’re a human being. Not only does cheap political point scoring serve no purpose – it disrespects the memories of the victims who had their lives so cruelly snatched away from them under the most appalling circumstances.

Following his decision to take decisive action in Syria in order to prop up the Assad regime, Russian President Vladimir Putin has found a somewhat unexpected source of support from Express and Mail readers, who almost unanimously are suggesting that he be nominated for the prestigious Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to end the conflict there by bombing the fuck out of everything that moves.

A Kremlin spokesman told us: “Mr Putin is determined to put an end to this interminable Middle Eastern mess by bombing the crap out of the place and then sending in ground troops to kill anything left alive and restore the country to its original state, which essentially means a windblown sand dune. If necessary he says he’ll nuke the buggers and turn the sand into glass – that is how determined Mr Putin is to bring peace and stability to the area. After that…who knows. Maybe Kansas, where Dorothy and Toto will be vaporised and definitely not Oz bound and she won’t be seeing no wizard. Having said that, Mr Putin has been overwhelmed by the level of support for his peace initiative from Express and Mail readers. By way of appreciation he’s thinking about targeting Brazil too, for a bit of a laugh like.”

Express readers, judging by their online comments will be delighted to learn that their lengthy discourses extolling the virtues of Mr Putin, maintaining that President Obama is a Wahabbist Muslim and basically that everybody who ever purchased a kebab, an onion bhaji, or a vegetable samosa should be shot on sight are actually being read by more than five or six like-minded lunatics.

“I’ve been warning people about the New World Order and the Leftist Cultural Marxists for ages,” Express reader RedGreenAlliance@gmail.com stated. “I’m just elated that the message is getting through at last, and to such a dedicated peacemaker as Mr Putin. It would make my life complete if I could use this as a stepping stone to get a shot on the radio with Alex Jones or do a You Tube interview with David Icke. It’s all about truth and reality at the end of the day.”