Monday, 13 November 2017

A Guest Blog: Sibling Contact

By an anonymous adopterI need to get this out of my system, but I am doing it
anonymously, as there are so many risks involved with sharing this, but so much
information that may help others in the community.

We have been a family brought together by adoption for over
10 years. There are a few of us in the family, however, it always struck me
that given we read our children’s CPRs and all the other information we receive,
if we are lucky enough to receive it all, there are extended family who
naturally become our family.

My children’s siblings are always a part of my life, they
are family too.

Over the weekend we were lucky enough, after three years of
trying, to meet the now adult siblings of our children. A surprise message out
of the blue 3 years ago instigated this meeting. It has taken us all this
length of time to be able to feel able to do it. Our children were not
involved. You may think that cruel, but right now they are not read for it, and
they may never be.

We met in a train station coffee shop – we felt that it
needed to be somewhere that we could all feel as comfortable as possible in –
as we all knew that the anxiety for us all would be immense.

I hugged sister – I was not sure how it would go, but she
hugged me back. I got emotional but kept it together.

We bought coffees and we began to chat. There were no
awkward moments…. It flowed.

Our first lesson:
We knew all about them…. They knew nothing about us – NOTHING. They lived for
the first few years not knowing what had happened to their siblings. No one had
told them they had been placed for adoption. Youngest was removed from a
holiday he was on – and that was the last she saw of him.

Our second lesson:
Appreciation that they had been adopted. Despite the first few years of their
not knowing, they have learnt enough about our children to know that they have
been well looked after, and cared for, attempting to repair the damage that
they have all experienced. They acknowledged that the trauma will have been
more intense for our children as they had differing placements and the worst
experience of our care system you can imagine.

Our third lesson:
If only we knew then what we knew now… Yes, contact is a scary thing…. And it
would have needed careful planning, facilitating and reviewing… but had I known
that these siblings sat not knowing, not knowing where they were, who they were
with, were we monsters, were we cruel, did we love them – that could have been easily
remedied.

Their first lesson: Their
siblings have been loved and cared for… to see the relief on their faces was
worth every single minute of over ten years.

Their second lesson:
Their siblings have very similar issues with attachment, trust, anger to them.

Their third lesson: Never
assume adoption is always a bad thing. Family and friends had been rather
critical of adoption….. as you would expect, and that was the siblings
impression as a result. They see the difference it has made.

I did cry… I felt so patronising and insulting to these two
brave souls in front of me, who had been through just as much in their
childhood as my children – and I was the one crying. To be told that they are
grateful that their siblings have such fantastic parents blew me away. I
sniffed, sister held my hand, and I gave myself a good talking to – this was
not about me.

We spent three hours together, and we have so much in
common. We will meet them again, and that was a mutual decision by us all. We
feel they are more a part of our family now than ever.

Their decision to share what their message will be when they
do all eventually meet was upsetting, and I leave you with some of it:

“If you are expecting to meet our parents and for them to be
the parents you hope for, then don’t – you will be very very disappointed.”