The Morning After: Tuesday, September 26th 2017

Guy chokes a kid after being made fun of in Black Ops, we're ... upset

We read in horror today the story of Mark Bradford, a 46-year-old, jobless father of three from Plymouth, Devon (UK). After being killed and then taunted by a 13-year-old opponent in Call of Duty: Black Ops, Bradford tracked down his teenage opponent (in real life) and proceeded to mercilessly choke him. The attack was luckily thwarted by the teen's mother and Bradford later admitted to one count of assault.

It's a grim story, and simply inexcusable. A grown man attacking a child like this turns our stomachs and should turn the stomach of any responsible, caring human. This is the end of our post on the matter, and it in no way continues after the break.

We need to first apologize about what we said about Mark Bradford, because Mark Bradford is mother-fucking Batman.

Listen to this quote from him: "I'd been playing the whole day and he was baiting me and baiting me and just would not shut up. He went on and on and I just lost it." Ever felt that way about some wretched, homophobic kid who has nothing better to do than play video games, eat barbeque potato chips and taunt employed people? Yeah, so has everybody. But only Mark Bradford had the sheer will and determination to find this punk's address, get in his car and pour that little asshole a refreshing Choke-a-Cola.

We hope shithead kids tell stories in hushed whispers about Mark Bradford. "No, no, he came for my friend Danny! He teabagged him like 40 times and like 30 minutes later, an eight-foot-tall guy in a trench coat shows up and made him eat40 literal tea bags ... at gunpoint. It's true!"

To Mark Bradford: We know you're going to catch some flak from people who've never suffered in the way you were forced to, but know that we're preparing a banquet in your honor when you get out of the clink.

To the kid who we hope now permanently talks with a rasp: When you act like a shithead to someone twice your size, they may try to kill you. Welcome to the last 2.5 million years of human evolution.

[Editor's note: The above is clearly a work of satire, most obviously denoted by its support of a 46-year-old man who choked a 13-year-old child – that sort of gives it away – but also thanks to comedic cues like "Choke-a-Cola." While it may not have hit the comedic high-water mark of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, we won't stop working until we get there. – C.G.]