CLIX

To Mrs. Ole Bull

1502 JONES STREET,
SAN FRANCISCO, 7th March, 1900.

DEAR DHIRA MATA,

Your letter, enclosing one from Saradananda only and the
accounts, came. I am very much reassured by all the
news I since received from India. As for the accounts and the disposal
of the Rs. 30,000, do just what you please. I have given over the
management to you, the Master will show you what is best to do. The
money is Rs. 35,000; the Rs. 5,000, for building the cottage on the
Ganga, I wrote to Saradananda not to use just now. I have already taken
Rs. 5,000 of that money. I am not going to take more. I had paid back
Rs. 2,000 or more of that Rs. 5,000 in India. But it seems,
Brahmananda, wanting to show as much of the Rs. 35,000 intact as he
could, drew upon my Rs. 2,000; so I owe them Rs. 5,000 still on that
score.

Anyway, I thought I could make money here in California and
pay them up quietly. Now I have entirely failed in California
financially. It is worse here than in Los Angeles. They come in crowds
when there is a free lecture and very few when there is something to
pay.

I have some hopes yet in England. It is necessary for me to
reach England in May. There is not the least use in breaking my health
in San Francisco for nothing. Moreover, with all Joe's enthusiasm, I
have not yet found any real benefit from the magnetic healer, except a
few red patches on my chest from scratching! Platform work is nigh gone
for me, and forcing it is only hastening the end. I leave here very
soon, as soon as I can make money for a passage. I have 300 dollars in
hand, made in Los Angeles. I will lecture here next week and then I
stop. As for the Math and the money, the sooner I am released of that
burden the better.

I am ready to do whatever you advise me to do. You have been a
real mother to me. You have taken up one of my great burdens on
yourself — I mean my poor cousin. I feel quite satisfied. As for my
mother, I am going back to her — for my last days and hers. The
thousand dollars I have in New York will bring Rs. 9 a month; then I
bought for her a bit of land which will bring about Rs. 6; and her old
house — that will bring, say, Rs. 6. I leave the house under litigation
out of consideration, as I have not got it. Myself, my mother, my
grandmother, and my brother will live on Rs. 20 a month easy. I would
start just now, if I could make money for a passage to India, without
touching the 1,000 dollars in New York.

Anyhow I will scrape three or four hundred dollars — 400
dollars will be enough for a second class passage and for a few weeks'
stay in London. I do not ask you to do anything more for me; I do not
want it. What you have done is more, ever so much more than I deserve.
I have given my place solemnly to you in Shri Ramakrishna's work. I am
out of it. All my life I have been a torture to my poor mother. Her
whole life has been one of continuous misery. If it be possible, my
last attempt should be to make her a little happy. I have planned it
all out. I have served the Mother all my life. It
is done; I refuse now to grind Her axe. Let Her find other workers — I
strike.

You have been one friend with whom Shri Ramakrishna has become
the goal of life — that is the secret of my trust in you. Others love
me personally. But they little dream that what they love me for is
Ramakrishna; leaving Him, I am only a mass of foolish selfish emotions.
Anyway this stress is terrible, thinking of what may come next, wishing
what ought to come next. I am unequal to the responsibility; I am found
wanting. I must give up this work. If the work has not life in it, let
it die; if it has, it need not wait for poor workers like myself.

Now the money, Rs. 30,000, is in my name, in Government
Securities. If they are sold now, we shall lose fearfully, on account
of the war; then, how can they be sent over here without being sold
there? To sell them there I must sign them. I do not know how all this
is going to be straightened out. Do what you think best
about it all. In the meanwhile, it is absolutely necessary that I
execute a will in your favour for everything, in case I suddenly die.
Send me a draft will as soon as possible and I shall register it in San
Francisco or Chicago; then my conscience will be safe. I don't know any
lawyer here, else I would have got it drawn up; neither have I the
money. The will must be done immediately; the trust and things have
time enough for them.