I'm sure you did the responsible, adult thing and watched the DNC all night, but while you were doing that the MTV Video Music Awards were on and I watched them because that is my life. They were so stupid. MTV literally let Taylor Swift finish and she did some weird musical theater number to accompany "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together." Rihanna and Katy Perry sat next to each other and muttered shit-talk in each other's ears all night. Chris Brown won an award. Nicki Minaj asked someone, "Want gum?" and dressed like La Toya Jackson dressed like a clown.