A shred of reality

Life is real. And sometimes, it’s unreal. Then there’s that crude twist on both. Staring back at you through the television. Maybe you love it or maybe you hate it. At the very least, you’ve probably found ways to tolerate it since it’s not going away anytime soon. Television is a mindless way for me to unwind from the day. And what better way to unwind then to watch other people unravel.

American Idol overstayed its welcome years ago. I am not a fan of Erin Andrews so I stopped watching Dancing with the Stars. And I have zero interest in Keeping up with the Kardashians. But I’ll admit I do indulge in one reality show that I consider a guilty pleasure. Full of drama. Abounding with pain. And a whole lot of insanity. #BachelorNation. Yes. I love The Bachelor/Bachelorette. I’m a hopeless romantic and a glutton for punishment. And by golly, this show ministers to both. The franchise is in its twentieth season. I can’t say I’ve followed every single season but I’ve caught most. And the older I get, the more amusing they become. Men and women competing for love. I mean, what’s not entertaining about that?! It’s quite possibly the strangest concept and the worst way to exploit love. But kudos to ABC and the producers for coming up with the intelligence and the lunacy to create such a catch.

This particular season took me five weeks to get on board. My lacking commitment to get engaged meant a DVR filled with five episodes. But I finally got myself all caught up last week; thoroughly expecting a full dose of the absurdity this show renders. Thankfully I wasn’t let down. For the love. The crazy. And everything in between. So if you’re also a fan {and even if you’re not} here’s twenty great truths that The Bachelor speaks to.

Ladies, if your husband often warns you to hide some of the crazy then rest assured. There are at least twenty-five women out there who are faaaaar crazier than you. So just remind yourself {and your husband} of that. And carry on!

First impressions are VERY important. They can often make or break you. {Hint: being overly intoxicated usually breaks you}.

Cheesy lines are dumb. Plain and simple. They are more painful than anything. I wince and squirm when I hear them. I would rather run barefoot across a field of rusty nails. Seriously.

Just when you thought it wasn’t possible to wear too much sparkle, someone goes and proves you wrong.

Doing something outrageous when you first meet someone does not make you unique. Instead you just appear desperate. And nuts. Would you wear a giant unicorn head the first time you met someone you intended on dating?! Um, no. Being on television doesn’t make it cute or charming. Trust me.

We are all human. And I’ve spoken {blogged} about that before. We shouldn’t judge others. Buuuuut I think maybe this show was meant to be an exception to that rule. Because I am judging. SO. JUDGING.

Women are all-pros at giving the look of death. And we’re not discreet about it. But we should probably work on that. Because mean is not a good look.

If you’re sharing a house with twenty other females who are all dating the same dude then you should probably do yourself a favor and make at least one friend. For real. Otherwise you just won’t make it out alive.

Jealousy is detrimental. Always. Does it make for good television? Oh yeah. But does it make you look hugely unfavorable? Yep. Straight up wicked.

Competing for love is not a normal situation by any stretch of the imagination. Is it a memorable experience? Most likely. But it’s one that’s far from reality. And it still takes two to tango. So you better check with the other half before you start touting dibs.

All the tears. It’s like estrogen on testosterone. So amped up.

Speaking of tears, the ugly cries are painful. I almost shed a tear for those unfortunate souls because guess what…that face just became a YouTube video that will never ever go away.

Slow and steady wins the race. So remember what class is and put the slut back in your suitcase. {Skin doesn’t always win}.

You know what they say about the word ASSUME. For good reason.

Call me a twelve year old boy but it is soooo awkward to watch two people make out. Not kidding. It’s kind of gross. It’s partially why I can’t watch this show live. I need the ability to fast forward through those arduous moments.

It’s not a big news flash that girls can be mean. Like downright vicious. But there’s a level of b#%*@ that should come with an instruction manual and full body armor. I mean, look out!

Good television is all about editing. Your best. Your worst. Well, mainly your worst. Because Americans love train wrecks.

Even reality stars get second chances. Or infamous moments.

Extravagant, exaggerated and expensive dates create an unforgettable experience. But it doesn’t mean a whole lot if you walk away alone.

You cannot truly fall in love with anyone if you haven’t found legitimate ways to love yourself.

Singing. Cooking. Dancing. Racing. Surviving. Dating. Modeling. Housing. Fishing. Wedding. Camping. Shopping. Living. Oh my God. EVERYTHING. Networks sweep the gamut. But despite any targeted differences there is at least one lesson all reality shows have in common. It’s never as real as it may seem.