Sorry to take up this (and I have more and will post it on Open Mic) but...uh...

So I got this in my e-mail today.

Apparently someone nominated me for this in the Beer & Wine Blog category (I have a vague recollection of posting it on my facebook) and the editors apparently picked six blogs of varying experience and...well, looks like I'm one of them. Apparently it's down to a public vote now which requires people to register and stuff, but if I win I get a free trip to Vegas to pick up my Award.

I'm registered for part-time courses next year, but there may be a magical introduction of new faculty over the summer, so the course offerings may increase suddenly. If they don't, of course, I don't qualify for a student loan. Which means I have to find a great job pronto. So, there's that. But still, I'm gonna take two days to congratulate myself on not dyng during this exam period.

As a nice thing to do for my birthday, my mom and sister helped me clean/organize my apartment, and now most of the huge pile of papers has been gone through and filed away or shredded. Makes me feel vaguely less stressed out about my apartment.

My wife just found out I'd started smoking again, and it went about as poorly as I'd thought it would, and then some. I'm at my office wondering if I should just get a hotel room.

She's a great person--please don't get me wrong--but when things like this happen, things I fuck up and I KNOW that I've fucked up, and I've been beating myself up over for ages, her first reaction is to make me feel like shit. Not "Hey, you know, that's not good, let's talk about why and what we can do".

I don't know how we're getting out of this one, but I'm not going to be the one to take the knee this time. She has to realize that's not the way to deal with things.

I'm hurt, and I'm a little scared, and SPOILER ALERT, I'm no closer to quitting again than I was two hours ago.

UPDATE: She told me to lawyer up. I don't know if it's a bluff, or if she was just trying to wound me, or what, but that's the kind of shit you can't take back. You can't say "I didn't mean that," or "I shouldn't have said that". There is no putting that genie back in the bottle.

What hurts is that she KNOWS my dad has his cancer surgery one week from today.

Fauxhammer, dude, either she has your back or she doesn't. You can ask her which it is and in that moment reach an agreement or you can make a call without her word. At this remove I have no idea of this is a tough love strategy on her part or a panic reaction because she seriously NEEDS you to have been open with her about every damn thing and you just fucked that in the ear, but equally, advice to lawyer up, that's an ultimatum. Take that shit seriously.

Options:

1. Be real damn sorry and penitent, and expect to stay that way for the rest of your life. This had better be worth it. Invest in elbow and knee pads.

2. Take a punt that this is tough love or panic on her part and try to meet her on common ground, either with compromise or with reassurance. Both need to be honest in order to actually work. Either way you are quitting smoking now and you're not going back. You've got to know you're up to the challenge.

3. Fuck it, it's your life and you'll end it your own way. Maybe you'll miss her, but it'll always be tempered with the knowledge that when your bluff was called, you stood firm. Fucking your body isn't owning your body, and sometimes you have to remind folk of that.

It's the moment of truth. You have to decide how strong you really think you are and if you are willing to seriously reach for this relationship. It's not the end of the world, this shit happens all the time. There's only ever been one time I've decided that yes, I'll reach for this with everything I've got and if I have to give up everything else that I like in order to do it, I'll never be sorry. We've been married 14 years. Our eldest son plays bass in a band. We still have more and better sex than I ever did in any prior relationship.

Other times I stood firm. I sometimes miss those girls, they were all good people. Shit happens. I'm happy now anyway. I'll never be sorry.

Two of my aunts were in town though; they came over for supper, which was really nice. Between the attacks and that, though, I am supremely homesick. I need to see the Monument, the Citgo sign, the Pru, and I need to do it soon. It's been too long already.