It's been a bit quiet at PlayBilge of late, although we have some very VERY excitin' developments coming up soon.

In the mean toime Oi suggest we have another PlayBilge photo contest. O'im still in shock after the 'Send in yer favourite Sea Hag' contest. Oi think that photo of Connie Rice was the winner by the way

PlayBilge in conjunction with the Port O'Spain Hilton would like to start a new contest entitled 'Send in yer favourite 'Pirate IT Girl (or Guy)'contest. The only condition is that she (or he) be 'piratified' in Photoshop (or similar).

Well lads Oi did promise yer something very exciting. The PlayBilge crew of Black Spot, Black Bart and and meself â€˜ave been working very hard to track down the hostess with the mostest for yeâ€™.

So PlayBilge readers. Oi have the distinct pleasure of bringinâ€™ yer an interview with your (and several thousand other Pirates) favourite tavern wench - Big Brenda McTavish. Oi recently caught up with Big Brenda while she be havinâ€™ a breather from other activities takinâ€™ place inside Madame Fifiâ€™s at the Portsmouth dockâ€¦

PB: Good Evenin Brenda, welcome to PlayBilge, or should Oi say welcome back.

BB: Come on my lad give us a Big Kiss! (Sound effects of enormous slobbering Kiss) So nice to see you again. Sorry about that little accident with your photographer earlier.

PB That be alright - the doctor assures me theyâ€™ll be able to re-inflate his lungs for him. So how have you been? Oi here you were a PlayBilge centrefold a few years ago.

BB: Centre fold, centre foldâ€¦That was that picture where you put the staples all up me crack! Thickest issue of Playbilge ever that was. The middle pages opened up and covered 9 square yards.

PB: Congratulations to Brenda on winning the â€˜Rear of the Yearâ€™ contest.

BB: I was so surprised and Iâ€™m very grateful to the Sponsors: Greenpeace.

PB: So tell me about your younger years. And how did you go from Portsmouth to Superstar and back in Portsmouth again.

BB: A tale of two cities sweetie. I spent a couple of years as a bouncy castle in Portsmouth before being discovered by Madame Fifi and invited to Work in her Paris establishment. Things were going really well for a while, but the debauchery business took a bit of a downturn after the French Revolution; so we packed our things and headed for the bright lights of Portsmouth.

PB: So Portsmouth has its advantages for the working girl then?

BB: Oh yes, deary. The aristocrats in Paris paid well enough, but there was always trouble with their mistresses, the gendarme, the churches and the like. But over here, thereâ€™s such a concentration of sheer drunken debauchery that no one bats an eyelid at anything.

PB: Is there any rumour that you are attemptinâ€™ to revive your career with a cover album singinâ€™ Sea Shanties?

BB: I think I owe it to my public. Many people have told me that they wondered what my voice was like â€“ mainly because most of my customers canâ€™t hear a thing after I get hold of them.

PB: Does havin an Argghhh 9000 make a Pirate more attractive to you? Or is it the size of his coin purse that matters?

BB: I likes a man with a nice big Galleon! His ship must have good strong flooring as well â€“ I like a man with a thick deck.

PB: So bein such an experienced woman of the world, who would you say are your most favourite Pirates? What attributes do you find attractive in a Pirate?

BB: Piratesâ€¦Iâ€™ve had em all. I could tell a few tales that would curl the toes of a Buccaneer. What I like about Pirates is the way their peg legs snap when I sit on em! But, seeing as your not payin' me as much as 'Hello' magazine you can bugger off!

PB: Is there any truth to the rumour that you go swimming with large underwater creatures? Can yer say a few phrases in Humpback for us?

BB: OOOOHâ€¦You are awfulâ€¦But I like youâ€¦(sound of DaveL crashing to the floor)

PB: Brenda McTavish. Thankyou for speakin to PlayBilgeâ€¦Oh and say hello to Madame Fifi for me.

BB: Shall I tell her youâ€™ll be round for your usual session on Friday?

PB: Yeâ€¦oh um, umâ€¦you mean for a game of cards, yeah sure!! Oh well maties, there you â€˜ave it. Thereâ€™s a sayinâ€™ which goes big things come in small packages. But in Brendaâ€™s case extremely large things come in extremely large packages. YArrrrrrr...

I went to Madame Fifi's last night t' get Big Brenda t' sign me copy o' her Sea Shanty record (honest).

I were climbin' the stairs when I hears a muffled shriek. It were then I spied Big Brenda an Jim "Giant Haystacks" Quinn. Brenda explained t' me that Jim had collapsed wi' a fish head stuck in 'is throat, an she were tryin t' dislodge it.