Friday, January 6, 2012

The Friday Sex Blog [Adult Games]

It’s Friday and it’s all about sex (or something close to
it). Have a great weekend!

* * *

Games People Play

The one absolute in the study of human
behavior is that people do things because they get something out of it.
People's actions, however seemingly ridiculous, serve a purpose.

I once had a therapist tell me I
had to learn how to parent myself. It may not sound particularly
earth-shattering, but I had never even entertained that idea -- I never thought
that could be possible. It was a liberating moment that also held some fear for
me.

Modern research shows that the notion
of being separate and apart is a myth. In fact, it's a very destructive myth,
just take a look at what we're doing to our ecology and you quickly realize
that the “me” attitude has dire consequences.

Along with the potential of
being destructive the perception of ourselves as separate and apart from the
rest of creation blinds us to the biological fact that we are all intimately connected, leaving many of us
feeling isolated. Our neurology is a feedback loop. How infants interact with
their mothers, for example, has a direct
impact on the development of the brain. Infants need physical handling as much
or more than food and those who are deprived fall into irreversible mental and
physical decline.

Adults also need as much
physical contact as children. In adulthood, sensory deprivation can lead to
temporary psychosis, for example. But because close physical contact is not
always available, we seek emotional fulfillment in other ways. A Facebook
contact, for example, may seek emotional “strokes” from his or her friends list
in the form of adoration or positive feedback. In the same way, a movie star
may get her strokes from fan mail. A scientist may get hers from a positive
commendation from a leading figure in the field.

In transactional analysis, the “stroke”
is seen as the basic unit of social action. An exchange of strokes is a transaction
and hence the phrase, “transactional analysis” describing the dynamics of
social interaction. Bear with me here, there's a point to all this and one I
feel you will find interesting.

For argument's sake, let's take
this as a given -- that we have this psycho-biological need to receive strokes
or intimate fulfillment. From this perspective, people consider any social
participation -- even if negative -- as better than none at all. This primal
need for intimacy is also why people engage in games as a substitute for
genuine connection.

In short we play a game, defined
as a series of transactions, to satisfy this inner hunger for intimacy, and it
always involves a payoff. Still with me?

Let me take this a step further.
As much as they will deny it, most people aren't even aware they are playing a
game. For most, it's a normal way of interaction. “People games” are like
playing poker in the sense that the better we can hide our inner motivation
(essentially that we're all needy motherfuckers at heart), the more likely we “win.”
In a professional context the payoff could be a raise or a promotion; people
speak of the “real estate game,” or “playing the market.” In the relationship
world the payoff is usually some emotional gratification or an increase in control.

I once worked with a participant,
a former contract killer (a “soldier”), who once compared himself to a newborn
infant in the following way:

You ever see when they first
bring babies home from the hospital? How sometimes they have to put mittens on
babies because otherwise they will scratch themselves? Well, that's how I feel
sometimes. Like I can't help but hurt myself and I need psychological mittens
to save me from myself.

Rewind back to the time with my
former therapist and you can begin to see a model emerging. We all have within
us different states or selves:

The attitudes and thinking of a
parental figure (Parent)

An adult-like ability to
rationalize and accept truth (Adult)

The attitudes and views of a
child (Child)

In any given situation, we can
emphasize any one of these inner selves, and sometimes shift from one to
another quite easily. For example, we can take on a child's wonderment,
creativity, and curiosity, but also a child's tantrums and incapacity to
empathize. The point being that within each situation we can adopt a role that
can be productive or unproductive.

In playing a game, instead of
maintaining intimacy to get what we want, we succumb to the temptation to act
like a coquettish child, or take on the wise, rational aura of an adult.

Let the games begin! LOL

There are basic games people
play. They may vary a little, but they're basically variations on the same
theme:

The most common game between
people in a relationship is the one in which one complains that the other is an
obstacle to doing what they really want in life. For example, a person who may
not be aware of her fear of real intimacy may choose to be with emotionally
unavailable men and then complain of a lack of intimacy. The game then becomes,
“If it weren't for you... ”

I believe people unconsciously
choose partners because they seek to be limited. I do a lot of work around
complaints. My experience has shown me that if you follow the breadcrumbs of
your complaints, you will come face-to-face with your own bullshit. Playing the
“if it weren't for you” game gives us the excuse of abdicating responsibility
for our own lives, or looking honestly and compassionately at our own fears or
character defects.

Another common relationship game
is when, in response to a solution-centered suggestion, the partner responds by
saying, “Yes, but... ” and then proceeds to find everything that could go wrong
with the solution. In Child mode, this allows the person to gain sympathy from
others for being inadequate to the challenge. In Adult mode, we would be more
willing to examine and maybe even take on the challenge the solution presents
us.

These games are like worn out
loops of the same tape -- being played over and over. It's amazing how
transparent the games appear on social media spots like Facebook or Twitter,
with all the trespassing of boundaries, the naked grabs for attention, the
openly desperate manipulation for sex. And
the one common trait is that all involved deny playing the game.

These are the scripts we inherit
from our childhood and though they are limiting and self-destructive, they are
also a form of psychological comfort food -- a way for us to absolve ourselves
from looking at our own issues.

For many people, games have
become so integral to their way of being that they feel the need to create
drama, or manipulate those they come into contact with because they fear they
won't be as interesting. The more games they play, the more they expect others
to play them too; a habitual game player will end up with a psychologically unhealthy tendency
to read too much of their own motivations and biases in others.

My Name is Eddie and I’m in
recovery from civilization, motherfuckers… LOL!

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My life experiences have led me to strive to help others move their lives in a positive direction, exploring opportunities that would otherwise be closed to them. I like to think I sit at the crossroads of the dialectic between knowledge and action. I hope that what transpires here is reflective of my beliefs.