Wolfhound wants place at the table

My pet parents are bickering over table etiquette. They’re driving me “woofers.” He thinks a place should be set for me at the dinner table. She says, “He’s a dog. Get serious!”

Actually, I’m no bother; I don’t need a chair, as my head is in perfect placement for the chow-down. My sister Muffin (that measly little Shih Tzu) needs all kinds of help, though. She hides under the table and waits for under-the-table handouts. This little beggar has no manners or class.

My question: Why shouldn’t I have a place at the table? Am I a member of this family or not?

Dear Ula,

I personally would love to have you at my dinner table, but it is a dog-eat-dog world! Therefore, like the camel with its head in the tent, you might need to take this to the next level.

The fact that you probably weigh 120 pounds has some drawbacks. I’m not clear if you want your own place setting or you want some gigantic dog bowl sitting on a place mat. No offense, Ula, but just your giant head at the table conjures up an unappetizing picture. Your slobbering sounds might curb the dinner conversation. And how are you going to use the napkin?

I say take charge of dinnertime. Ask for a designer dog bowl placed on a plastic mat (preferably a design with dog bones).

And demand your own dining area. (Hey, how about the kitchen?) Perhaps some soft music and great lighting will help you think, “Yes, I am a special member of the family.”

When it’s time for dessert, do that sit-up, paw-up, big-eyes routine that you’ve mastered. After you have made your pet parents feel guilty, be assured you will get a scrumptious treat.

P.S. Forget about Muffin; she’s on her own!

Sandie Lampe is Schmoo’s “personal assistant.” Lampe also writes about pets for San Diego Home/Garden magazine and is pets correspondent for KUSI TV. Email questions for Schmoo to askschmoo@gmail.com