10 Things Never to do in a Marriage, Part 1

Transform a relationship mired in negativity into one based on trust and safety.

Love is a very delicate feeling. It flees from an atmosphere filled with blame, anger and sarcasm and grows in an environment of respect, acceptance and honesty. The following 10 marital proscriptions -- if followed consciously and conscientiously-- will transform a relationship mired in negativity into one based on trust and safety.

Why a list of marital taboos rather than a positive "to do" list of marital suggestions? The following Talmudic story answer the question:

A non-believer confronted the great sage Hillel, the Elder, and demanded that he teach him the entire Torah while standing on one foot. Hillel agreed and said the following: "What's hateful to yourself don't do to another. Everything else is commentary. Now go and learn." Many commentators have wondered why he chose to answer in the negative rather than quoting the famous Biblical proscription "To love thy neighbor as thyself."

My understanding is quite simple. We understand what it is that hurts us; we've experienced how painful a critical statement or disdainful look can feel; we've seen how one negative comment can harm or even destroy a relationship and we know that the negative things that we do or that are done to us can far outweigh our or others' positive behaviors.

Therefore, the first step in improving a relationship is to eradicate the negative behaviors that continually pollute the marital environment. It doesn't help to plant rose bushes in a toxic waste field. First, we have to clean up the poison and then we can beautify the area. The more we sensitize ourselves to the subtle ways that we have hurt our partners, the more we enable our feelings of love to blossom.

As you read each of the following 10 Things, I encourage you to practice the exercises. The challenge of marriage demands a commitment to the three P's -- practice, persistence and patience. Just do it, and you'll begin to see the benefit. Even if only one of the partners in the relationship makes a concerted effort to change, the results will still be quite significant.

1. DON'T TAKE YOUR PARTNER FOR GRANTED

Marriage is probably the most effective and challenging training program for developing character. Many of the encounters we have with our partners afford us an opportunity to practice self-control, kindness and respect. At any given moment, for example, you could be confronted with a choice between lashing out in anger or communicating your resentment. At another moment, the choice might be between taking your partner for granted or expressing appreciation.

You're either taking your spouse for granted or your acknowledging her kindness. There's no middle ground.

The injunction to stop taking your partner for granted is unique among the 10 Things. The only way to fulfill it is by performing a positive act, namely showing appreciation. You're either taking your spouse for granted or your acknowledging her kindness. There's no middle ground. It is also the best means for overcoming selfishness. In order to reach the point where you have a real desire to express appreciation you have to uproot three negative attitudes -- a sense of entitlement, unrealistic expectations and conscious amnesia.

Entitlement is that sense that whatever you do for me I deserve, so why bother thanking you. It's the attitude that my needs come first and it's your job to meet them. Closely aligned with a sense of entitlement is the attitude that if I expect it, you're obligated to do it. With entitlement and expectations, we relate to our partners as if they are extensions of ourselves, not unlike a baby's relationship to his mother's breast. When he cries, he expects to be fed immediately. Conscious amnesia or mindlessness is the art of ignoring or forgetting the obvious. We become oblivious to those small and large kindnesses that our partners do for us. I suspect a sense of entitlement or expectation leads to a state of conscious amnesia.

If you wish to know if you're taking your partner for granted, then I suggest you ask yourself the following question: Are you as polite, kind and considerate to your partner as you are to a casual acquaintance or to a colleague? For most of us, the answer is no. So, ask yourself this question: How would you feel if your partner treated you impolitely, ignored your kindnesses and was inconsiderate of your needs? Before answering, remember the words of Hillel the Elder, "What's hateful to you, don't do to another."

Exercise

Record those things that your partner does for you -- both large and small. Try to include everything from the cup of coffee he makes for you in the morning to the efficient way that she manages the finances.

Ask yourself, "Among those things that your partner does for you, do you show appreciation and in what manner do you express it?" Most likely, you'll discover that for a good of portion of the kindnesses on the list you've probably never expressed your gratitude.

Try committing yourself to a week of expressing your appreciation and notice the change. You might even consider writing a letter of appreciation to your partner.

2. DON'T MIND-READ

Don't assume that you know what your partner is thinking and feeling. There's a good chance you could be wrong, and wrong assumptions cause unnecessary conflict.

Imagine this situation. You walk into the living room and there's your husband sitting on his favorite chair glaring at the wall. His lips are tight; his jaw is clenched. Your immediate reaction: fear! "What did I do? Why is he so angry at me?" You tentatively approach him, "What's the matter, David?" you ask, expecting him to pour his wrath upon you. David slowly turns toward you. The tense, angry look begins to melt and he says sadly, "I've been laid off." "Thank God," you almost blurt out, "at least it wasn't me."

In this case, the woman checked out her assumptions and discovered that her husband wasn't upset with her. Yet, how often does it happen that we make the wrong assumptions and just go on believing them without ever discovering if they're true?

It often happens during the process of marital therapy that assumptions, illusions and fantasies are exposed as false or only partially true. For example, the angry, critical husband who supposedly hates his wife might in fact be an insecure man who is convinced that his wife doesn't love him. Perhaps, as in one case that I know of, a distant, rejecting wife turned out to be a very sad woman, grieving the loss of her mother. Don't assume. Check it out.

Exercise

Take a piece of paper and without thinking too much about it, complete the following sentence: "I assume that my partner thinks or feels.... about me."

After you compile your list, try checking out your assumptions.

I suspect that you'll discover that many of your assumptions are incorrect. However, it is possible that your partner will acknowledge the validity of some of your assumptions. This may be painful but it's far better to deal with reality than unverified assumptions. At least now, you have the possibility of resolving the issue.

3. DON'T BLAME

How easy it is to say, "It's your fault. You made me do it. It's because of you that things are so bad between us. You're the reason I feel so miserable." It's so hard to look at ourselves and ask, "What's my part in creating the difficulties between us?"

It's so hard to look at ourselves and ask, "What's my part in creating the difficulties between us?"

Blaming is a form of disempowerment. In essence, when I blame I am saying to my partner that she controls my feelings and behavior. My relationship to her is like that of Pavlov's dog -- the bell rings, the dog salivates. My wife forgets to say hello, and I blow up.

When we blame, we deny our partner the opportunity to think seriously about our words and to respond in a thoughtful manner. Instead of expressing our legitimate grievances and feelings, we accuse and threaten, which only invites a similar response. The result is either a skirmish or an all out war, and, as we so painfully understand, all is fair in love and war and marriage is both.

So, what's the antidote to blaming? The answer is simple: Take responsibility for yourself. Putting it into practice, however, is a challenge. It's hard to give up that feeling of being right. It's so difficult to let go of that need to force a confession out of our partners. I'll let you in on a marital truth: Being "right" in a relationship is the booby prize. You win; the relationship loses. If you want the relationship to win, try looking hard at what your part is in creating the conflict. Ask yourself, "What am I doing to create distance and hurt?"

Exercise

Write a list of all the ways you blame your spouse. For example, "It's because of you that the house is a mess" or "You're the reason Sara is running around with a bad crowd. It's because you never spend any time with her."

Take a good hard look at yourself and record what you're responsible for.

Look for solutions in each of these situations. In the last example, she might consider telling her husband, "I'm worried that Sara is running around with a bad crowd. I'd like to talk about what we can do about it." She might be pleasantly surprised to discover that when approached respectfully, her husband, on his own, will realize that he needs to spend more time with his daughter.

4. DON'T INTERPRET

Think about how you would feel if your partner were to tell you, "Now I understand why you're so critical. You're just like your father. I'm sure he was even more critical of you than you are of me." Would you experience this so-called analysis of your behavior as helpful, as contributing to your self-knowledge and personal development?

I think the answer is self-evident. The words might appear to contain insightful information, but, in fact, they are resentments cloaked in a garment of objective concern. You might believe you understand your partner's deepest motivations and the subtlest nuances of his behavior, and you might think you're being objective and helpful when you interpret his behavior, but I can tell you that nobody who is deeply involved in a relationship can maintain professional distance. More often than not, our interpretations come from a place of self-interest and a desire to change our partners.

I don't want my wife to interpret what I think and feel. I want her to listen.

Perhaps, you're like me. I don't want my wife to interpret what I think and feel. I want her to listen. I want her to hear. I want her to respond as a friend, as someone who is concerned about me. I want her to help me to understand myself by reflecting back what I am saying and by identifying the feelings that I am expressing.

Therefore, in order to avoid interpreting, let me suggest the following two antidotes: First, be clear about your resentments and be careful not to express them covertly through an analysis of your partner's behavior. Second, listen in an open, loving manner.

Exercise

The next time your partner talks to you, work extra hard at trying to understand her.
Practice active listening by non-verbally indicating that you're hearing him. You can do this by maintaining eye contact and holding your partner's hand or embracing her in a caring, non-sexual manner.

Periodically, respond with supportive statements that acknowledge how your partner feels. An example might be, "I understand how angry you are at your boss. If I were you, I'd sure be furious."

5. DON'T SAY YES WHEN YOU MEAN NO

We're often afraid to say no to our partners. Perhaps, you're scared that she'll become angry, or, maybe, if you were to say "I'm sorry, I just don't want to do that," he'd be disappointed and you'd start feeling guilty. So, instead of asserting ourselves and saying what we want, we end up doing the opposite and feeling resentful. The problem with saying yes when we mean no is that we stop being real in the relationship. There's no intimacy in a relationship without honesty.

Becoming other-centered and giving does not mean that you have to sacrifice your feelings, wants and needs in order to satisfy your partner. If you do, you may very well feel resentful or distant. By expressing your true feelings and desires to your spouse, you enable him to relate to the real you rather than to some fictitious version of what you think he wants. The same Hillel, the Elder, whom I quoted earlier, said something very relevant and profound: "If I am not for me who am I? And, if I am for myself alone, what am I? And if not now, when?"

It may be that when you start to say no when you mean no, you'll say yes when you mean yes and your spouse might feel safer knowing that he can trust what you're saying. More likely, however, the change in your behavior will at first be threatening to your partner. Remember he's not used to your honesty. She might be painfully surprised to learn that not all your yeses were indeed yeses.

It's important to know that any time you change the rules in a relationship there's bound to be conflict. That's okay. Conflict is often necessary for a relationship to grow. Through conflict, two people can create a deeper understanding of one another and develop a stronger bond.

If you already have a strong connection with your spouse, then your commitment to honesty will only deepen that relationship. If you don't, I recommend that you proceed carefully. Before you start being totally honest, try assessing what your partner's reaction will be. Some couples may need professional guidance to help them make the transition from a relationship based on wanting the other's approval to a relationship grounded in truth. The process of reaching a deeper level of honesty is often bumpy, but once you arrive, it's well worth it.

Exercise

Write the following on a piece of paper: "I'm afraid to tell my partner...."

Prioritize the list, one being the easiest of your truths to reveal, two the second easiest and so on.

Imagine approaching your partner and telling him or her the truth. Notice how you feel as you do that. Try breathing easily and gently tell yourself to relax.
When you're able to visualize speaking to your partner, then take the risk to do it in reality. Start with the easiest (1) and go down your list.

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About the Author

Dr. Michael Tobin has been a practicing psychologist for 38 years, and for the past 25 years he's been in private practice in Jerusalem. He specializes in marriage and family therapy and has been a professional trainer and supervisor since 1992. He has led numerous workshops for couples in Israel and the United States and developed an interactive series of family dramas that were performed throughout Israel . Dr. Tobin is the founder of the critically acclaimed website, www.wholefamily.com, which received finalist status in the family category of the internet academy awards. Dr. Tobin is the author of numerous articles on marriage and family and is the co-author of a book on marriage published in English, Hebrew, and German. Dr. Tobin is married to Dr. Deborah Risk Tobin and they have lived in Efrat with their family since they made aliyah in 1986.

Visitor Comments: 23

(23)
Reyna,
January 8, 2012 5:07 PM

10 Things

MY husband has learned to say no and set boundaries, but my problem is he will not do anything he doesn't want to do now and he says no most of the the time unless convenient to him. He tells me of his right to say no, but expects me to bend over backwards and if I don't I get threatened. I resent the fact that no matter how I ask or how many times, he will say no and stands firm and stubborn on it. While being assertive and saying no is a good thing, not allowing your spouse to ever have rights or assert themselves is a bad thing. I resent my spouse.....our marriage doesn't have any love....

(22)
Anonymous,
March 10, 2009 4:13 AM

GREAT ARTICLE

I am a blamer....I blame my husband for everything but I don't bother to take notice of what I do that affects us in a negative manner! This made me look at things in a different aspect! Thanks

(21)
Anonymous,
July 23, 2007 10:36 AM

Comment

I appreciate what you are saying and agree totally, please continue to be a blessing to others.

(20)
Vincent Ferrer Bukenya,
April 11, 2007 7:19 AM

Valuable Guide

The 10 guides underline vital links or mislinks that connect or disconnect couples irrespective of where they are in the world. For this, I am grateful for the valuable guide.

(19)
Sherry,
February 3, 2004 12:00 AM

Need a neutral starting point.

All people abuse when they are allowing frustration and neglect to build up. I think the honesty needs to come first with language assistance

(18)
Barbara,
February 2, 2004 12:00 AM

good article

I am a woman leaving a 20 year marriage loaded with verbal & emotional abuse. I have had every single one of those 10 things done to me over & over. Women can be abusers too

(17)
Noam,
January 18, 2004 12:00 AM

When will that change?

Why is it that writers of such articles, no matter how specialized or intellectually gifted they are, always address them to husbands, as it is obvious from the way it is written, taking for granted that wifes are always the victims? Isn'it time that a more neutral style is adopted when trying to trigger a change in the other one's attitude, instead of putting HIM off by pointing an accusing finger on HIS person?

(16)
arlene moore,
January 12, 2004 12:00 AM

thank you

i'm going to share 1st. & 2nd part w/my husband & hope this will help us to come to a better understanding.

(15)
shlomo,
January 10, 2004 12:00 AM

thank you

BS"H
Thank for your work .It is very helpful.The point number 2 did help me a lot in my relationship . Thank you.

(14)
LB III,
January 5, 2004 12:00 AM

Inspiring

Change nothing! Your site is perfect.

(13)
G Greenfeld,
January 5, 2004 12:00 AM

Love and Marriage

My partner is a wonderful person and almost 20 years older than me (I am 52).

I think that love is a very delicate thing but, when it comes to marriage, love is extremely delicate. I try, most of the time, to think whether what I am thinking to do or to say would hurt him or not. But, nevertheless, I will follow this advice.
Thank you,
G. Greenfeld G.

(12)
hazel crowley,
January 3, 2004 12:00 AM

Hillel was a smart man

My husband has a bad temper that explodes all too often. I have learned over the years is that 9 chances out of 10 it is not directed at me. I have learned not to respond...like don't try to pet a mad dog...but just ignore it. It goes away. Otherwise, he is a good thoughtful husband.

(11)
janice,
December 30, 2003 12:00 AM

Very life- and relationship- affirming

I have always tried to live this way. I find it actually makes me a happier person and a better partner. Thank you.

(10)
Anonymous,
December 30, 2003 12:00 AM

thank you

I would like to thank you for this wonderful article. I am engaged, soon to be married, and think that this article will help me as we build our relationship.

I am sure some readers would appreciate that which I read in "It's not as tough as you think" by Dr. Abraham Twerski. When one always "wins" arguements, they are married to a loser. He says that this thought helped a man "give in" to his wife at times.

Hope that you will be releasing more of these articles shortly.

Thank you very much!

(9)
Jeannette,
December 30, 2003 12:00 AM

marriage

Very thought provoking and well written article. My marriage of 37 years still needs tuning up from time to time.

(8)
Gaby,
December 29, 2003 12:00 AM

Wonderful

this was very useful!

(7)
shirley ableman,
December 29, 2003 12:00 AM

beautifully written and very sad

(6)
Les. Satenstein,
December 29, 2003 12:00 AM

After 37 yrs of marriage, I still follow those guidelines.

My queeen Aviva and I have been living with those rules from our Honeymoon. We sometimes forget though, but then we are reminded. As need be.

(5)
Leslie,
December 29, 2003 12:00 AM

Wonderful words of wisdom

I've been single for over a decade, however in any relationship, "honesty is the best policy." In all relationships, listening and letting the other individual know that he/ she has been heard is quite validating. Thank You for a beautiful article.

(4)
ik uhimwen,
December 29, 2003 12:00 AM

just it

this was the bomb send me more of it.

(3)
Anonymous,
December 29, 2003 12:00 AM

This article is a miracle for me. It came at a difficult time of our marriage.

My husband and I are having a very troubled relatiionship. He is a person who goes into rages and will not get help. He says he has a right to be rageful towards me. I send him a lot of Growing Each Day articles, Daily Lifts, and Quotes of the week. I am hoping this series will help. Thanks so much.

(2)
Debra,
December 28, 2003 12:00 AM

Thank you for your down to earth advice.

It is so easy to say or do something in a harsh way when we feel hurt, but so hard to repair the damage done by it.
When we love our partners and see our relationships changing in negative ways it frightens and sadens us, but we often don't know where to start to help fix things and just do nothing, which is a big mistake, this only gives our partners the idea that we don't care about them and things get worse.
Your ideas are very helpful, thank you.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...