The Best Superhero Beards

Superheroes often have many tools at their disposal. Secret hideouts, web shooters, mutant powers, magic lassos, invisible jets, and god-hammers, just to name a few. As awesome as all of those things can be, there is one element that can serve as the ultimate trump card on the road to complete and utter superhero badassery: the beard.

With Punisher: War Zone #1 hitting this week – which features a fantastically bearded Frank Castle (see first entry) – we thought it was high time that the best superhero beards got the respect they so rightly deserve. Be sure to sound off in the comments below with your favorite superbeards!

Solid Snake Punisher

We’ve seen Punisher with a beard before recently, but this is the one that spawned a nugget of fascination with superhero beards that ultimately led the very article you’re reading. With Greg Rucka’s take on the Punisher, he transformed him into a force of nature without an internal monologue that cared about one thing and one thing only: the mission.

That being said, it makes sense that he couldn’t be bothered to shave. For two reasons. One, he doesn’t have time. He’s too busy shooting dudes. Two, we're not betting men (that’s a lie, we totally are), but we'd venture a guess that Frank can hardly stand to look at himself in the mirror without an overwhelming sense of emptiness, so it stands to reason that shaving is not on his list of things he looks forward to every day.

That list, by the way, does include killing, maiming, and otherwise disfiguring every criminal under the sun.

Kingpin Daredevil

You might think the coolest/most badass moment of Daredevil’s career came when he overthrew Wilson Fisk and became the new Kingpin of Hell’s Kitchen, bringing a period of peace and prosperity to what was arguably New York City’s darkest corner.

Not so.

Matt Murdock was at his most badass when he decided to grow a kickass buccaneer mustache and goatee to celebrate his crowning achievement. Even better, Murdock rocked the ‘stache for roughly an entire year without his then-wife Mila complaining once. Then again, she probably knew that if she brought the sass, Murdock would twiddle his handsome mustache and deliver sweet verbal justice. At this point in time, it was clear Matt Murdock was not to be trifled with.

You could see it front and center on his stiff upper lip.

Ralph Dibny: Mayor of Bummer Town

I mean, look, if we had to endure all of the terrible things that post-Identity Crisis Ralph Dibny did a few years back, death would be a sweet, sweet reward.

Though that’s the end poor Ralph eventually met in DC’s 2006 series 52, the time in between saw him grow a pretty rockin’ ginger beard as he went bonkers trying to resurrect his dead wife while simultaneously using his stellar detective skills to unravel the mystery of the Multiverse. The act of growing facial hair out of melancholia is what we lovingly refer to as “blue beard.”

Ralph ultimately got a happy ending, reuniting with his wife Sue as one half of the Ghost Detectives, but we shudder to think how much happier he’d have been in the afterlife if only his spiritual remains appeared in full bearded glory.

Sociopolitical Avenger Green Arrow

Forget the loss of Clark Kent and Lois Lane’s marriage, the disappearance of Stephanie Brown and Cassandra Cain, and the questionable status of Wally West and Donna Troy. The greatest omission from DC’s New 52 relaunch is Green Arrow’s double threat buccaneer mustache/goatee combo. Yeah, sure, the original Golden Age Green Arrow was clean-shaven too, but guess what? He also had an Arrow-Cave. An Arrow-Cave.

To that end, once Oliver Queen got more socially and politically aware, he became far more than just another Batman/Robin Hood clone thanks to his newfound beardom. However, it boggles our collective mind units that for the brief period Ollie spent as mayor of Star City, no one – no one – was able to piece together that both the Emerald Archer and Mayor Queen rocked the exact same obscure f***ing facial hair.

You&#Array;re right, Ollie. Because discos should have REAL BEARDS.

Not many people can boast the buccaneer action, let alone two people in one city. Related: Mayor Queen cut all budgeting to Star City’s schools and education programs.

Harpoon Hand Aquaman

Let’s be honest, it wasn’t until recently that Aquaman actually became cool to the general public. For a long while he struggled to find his x-factor that would get him the respect of his peers. This lead to one of the oddest style changes the character has ever endured.

At one point, the true King of Atlantis just stopped giving a crap, growing out long golden locks, a beautiful beard to match, and capped off the look with a harpoon hook for a hand. It was eye-catching, for sure, but a new, harder look only gets you so far. The Justice League still found little use for Aquaman’s talents, usually only ringing him on the JLA communicator if they needed help catching dinner for the weekly JLA jamboree.

Nonetheless, Aquaman’s ability to grow out a rather badass beard should be respected, if not admired. It’s one of the biggest and bushiest we’ve ever witnessed in superhero comics.

Hippie Thor

Mark Millar’s take on Thor in Ultimates was rather inspiring. Rather than casting the Odin Son as a quintessential Asgardian prince, Millar made Thor’s true ties to Asgard a mystery throughout his run to instead turn the character into a potentially insane hippie preaching anti-government sentiments around the world. Fittingly, hippie Thor rocked a mean beard to go with his “eff the establishment” mentality.

In all honesty, hippie Thor’s beard is probably the most reserved on our list. Sure, the thing is pretty rad, but its inclusion perfectly fits with how the character was portrayed in Ultimates. It’s worth noting, however, that it wasn’t until Thor’s beard (and the rest of his beautiful hair) was burned off that he actually got some help from his father in stopping Loki. That’s how much beards mean to Asgardians. It’s basically the equivalent of smudging someone’s Puma down here in Midgard.

Respect. The. Beard.

Soul Patch Wolverine

Wolverine is arguably the hairiest S.O.B. in the entire Marvel Universe, with a beautifully sculpted ‘do, back hair as thick as Paris Hilton’s skull, and knuckle hair that would make Robin Williams turn green with envy. But what if Wolverine decided to go GQ? What would that look like? Well, it apparently means Wolverine would start rockin’ a mean (and stylish) soul patch, as apparent in Grant Morrison’s New X-Men.

Granted, this entry is cheating a bit. A soul patch is not a beard, merely a piece of one. However, we counter by saying this turn in facial grooming for Wolverine is too amazing to ignore. It’s Wolverine. Rockin’ a flavor saver. Come on!

Unfortunately, the look didn’t last too long. Apparently, it was too much to handle for the ladies of the Marvel U., leading Wolverine to fall back on his classic look shortly thereafter. I mean, when you’re in the middle of saving the world for the umpteenth time and you can’t stop staring at Wolverine’s chin hair, it kind of becomes a problem.

Capwolf (Full Body Beardage!)

We ask you: what is more badass than a beard? How about a full body beard? That’s right, Captain America’s “Capwolf” period deserves special recognition on this list. Think of it as hundreds of mini beards all over Cap’s body. If this were a competition, we think Cap might win for most badass beard ever.

Still, Capwolf is something that can only happen in comics (or Twilight). It’s hilariously absurd, representing both the best and worst of what superhero comics can be. That said, there’s no denying that Capwolf’s immense facial hair is something to marvel (ahem) at. It’s also a damn miracle Cap doesn’t get made fun of by his Avengers teammates on a daily basis for this whole thing.

Pube Joker

We know that Joker’s not a superhero. We also know that there is nothing we can possibly write here that will do this terrifying pube-beard justice.