about facing life with hope and confidence, no matter the diagnosis

I write because so many people have told me to write a book about my life, but I have always felt no one would believe this "stranger than fiction" life if I did write it all down. However, after my Dad died, I was continually plagued with his last requests-write your story, Cindy. God has given it to you for a reason. You can help people by showing them what God has done for you through the trials and tribulations of your life.
And so this blog...because I don't know how to write a book. I write just like I talk. So just expect stories where God has been protecting me, teaching me, molding me, refining me and that means through fire! I never know what to expect next nor should you. Seek the Lord while He may be found.

Archive for the ‘second marriages’ Category

And now it has been a week again! This time, except for a couple of Doctor appointments, I was in all week, but once again dealing with a bacterial infection. and not much voice either, but God has beenvery plain spoken with me and I have read the most wonderful scriptures and devotionals t hat were directed right to me in terms of trusting and of course faith.

I have not been given permission to share all of this yet. but I will share what I can.

the last 2 -3 weeks have been very difficult physically, regardless of being on antibiotics. I have still had C Diff which is not any fun to have even if you are on meds. and it was still August, my worst asthma month-it has felt like I have had it all month. Now it is September and I am starting it off the same way! And not only me, but I have watched as my family has been attacked. My sister’s husband started his chemo this week. Part of the “cocktail” is Rituxin. He was on it 20 min, when he started reacting.;He had hives, then the nausea , then a small seizure–all of this totally freaked both my sister and my brother in law out.And did I mention her youngest son had been out with a virus for most of the week, and her car engine blew something up to the tune $900$ She called me while I was on the phone with my new BSF Bible teacher–so we immediately prayed. Then my daughter called. She was on the way to the hospital with my 7 yr old granddaughter. She had a pretty bad case of bacterial pnuemonia!! I reassured my daughter as much as I could, reminding her that she had also had pneumonia twice one winter and her sister once!! That medically things were so much better now and that I was sure that our girl was going to be fine.I would be praying and so would all my great friends. (of course I was right. the doc thought 4 days. she was only in for 2)

Suddenly my eyes were opened and I could see that my family is being attached even more than usual==I immediately got on my face before the Lord. I asked Him for protection because I was going to have to confront this devil -, I am even having to type this a third time-my words keep disappearing on me! I remind you Satan who won? I did! Because of Jesus!! Go Back to Hell and Leave ME and MY FAMILY alone in the name of Christ Jesus the Son of the Living God!

So let’s go back to last Sunday night and my first scripture. I will type what I can, but there is a lot. I may have to let you look up too. or I am send you to a particular blog . Numbers 23: 19-20 God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, t hat he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? I have received a command to bless; he has blessed it, and I cannot change it

Is that not just the most beautiful 2 verses? And given to me 2 minutes after I asked for confirmation! The Lord really wanted me to know, didn’t he? And then the next day He sent me to Avie’s Place a blog I follow-what a wonderful teacher of the Word she is! Today is was Psalm 119:1658 Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make you stumble. I wait for your salvation, O Lord, and I follow your commands. I obey your statutes, for I love them greatly. I obey your precepts and your statutes, for all my ways are known to you. This post was about peace, the peace you get when you trust absolutely. and then I think this was next although I wondered why it wasn’t 2nd. It is 1st Peter 5:8 -9 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around likes a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. Now you see why I needed this verse reminder a little earlier?

Then we went to Ecclesiastes written by the way by Solomon -son of David, a man after God’s own heart When I read David’s story or even Solomon’s story or anyone’s story for that matter, I know once again that God can forgive anyone, anything, anytime, anywhere–JUST BECAUSE HE LOVES US. But we do have to be obedient…as Solomon discovered late in life as he also finally found the purpose in life. He had looked for it everywhere, in everything, But of course our purpose is only fulfilled in our Lord–when He fills up that hole in our hearts we all come with —and that hole is only filled by the Holy Spirit of God Himself, then, can you know your purpose. We will be talking about that in the future.”

So my week has been all about the Lord talking trust me, Trust me TRUST ME. The first night that He spoke to me, MY Lord God said “Cindy, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. ..but you don’t trust me.”…his first words almost and when I said,” no,I do trust you,” He again replied,”” no, you don’t trust me, but you will.” I have come to find out that Trusting the Lord with all my heart is the most important thing to Him NEXT to Honoring and Loving Him and Putting Him first in all Things.-which is the first and greatest commandment. And I will tell you that it is easier to follow than the learning to trust so completely. How very, very hard it is.But it is what we are called to do and when the Lord singles you out for something and He consistently confirms it, You know you have to do it, even if it scares you, and it doesn’t seem the right thing to do. But Obviously I will know soon if I must do this thing. and if I must then I will be calling on you to pray for me like never before. I feel like the t he guy in the Raiders of the Lost Ark or the sequel when t hey were looking for Jesus’ chalice from the last supper. He had to take a step out on faith that there was a bridge when there was no evidence of a bridge–but of course as soon as he put his foot out there-it was there for him. I am hoping for that for me. And I should be able to explain further later this week.

Oh Beloved ones! I have tried once, twice again to write, but have just been delayed in doing so. I have to believe when that happens, I am to wait to write. My Master who knows all things may be changing the circumstances, timing, days, people who knows what?, but when He is ready, then I am ready. I have spent the last several weeks almost in a state of constant excitement and anticipation. I wake up like that and I go to bed very late because of that; I am looking and listening, reading the Word and communing with my Lord God. I went back to Philippians where I didn’t finish what I was exactly writing about. There are so many great passages in Philippians to quote from that, that is all you would get, so I am picking out the pieces of scripture in the book that mean so much to me, but I would urge you to read and study Philippians on your own as well–you might have a whole different way that means something to you that God speak to you through.

In the body of the first chapter, Paul is doing exactly what I do in bad, poor, horrible or otherwise situations: He is telling the Philippians that the fact that he is in jail is actually a good thing. It truly is, because he has shared the gospel throughout the jail and with all of the palace guard, which is probably the only way he would have been able to share. He has told everyone that he has no care for comforts-that one place is as surely good as another. Paul’s whole concentration was on spreading the gospel ofJesus Christ–just as it must be my concentration.Time is short, and yet there are so many who do not know Him! I would ask you this–at the very least you can share the Lord Jesus within your sphere of friends and family. I would hope and pray that you would do it because you loved them and because you believe the Father and Son and Holy Spirit when they say there is hell yet for those who will not be reconciled.

Then Paul gives us some very important truths starting with verse 19. A long passage so I am cherry picking the verses to write:

I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance…I will not be ashamed but will have sufficient courage and hope that Christ will be exalted whether by life or by death. For me to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am go on living, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I chose? I do not know! I desire to depart and be with Christ, but it is more necessary for you that I remain…Whatever happens…stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. For you will be saved–and that by God. For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on Him, but also to suffer for Him.

I will stop there at the end of chapter 1. You see what I mean? There is so much for us to understand and look forward to. I think what was brought to my attention today, is to remind everyone that the time is short and running out. I too sometimes long for the everlasting arms of Jesus–to be able to be in His presence and worship and not have to stop for one thing or another. Yet I too have those who need me here. God isn’t finished with me yet. Unfortunately, He still has so much work to do on me, but I am so grateful for my salvation and my relationship with Him. I never knew you could truly have a relationship with God like this. I was told that He would speak to me through scripture, but He uses many, many more avenues than that! When He wants to talk to you and you don’t want to, it is not worth it to fight it! Because of course, The Lord God Almighty always wins at everything. But I promise that whatever His Plan is, it’s better than yours–because you can’t see the future and He can. Because He has planned your future so that you can be completely fulfilled, knowing you are loved unconditionally by the King Of the Universe.

I must address the last little phrase of the text. As I have read a lot the last week, I have noticed once again how very often Christians are suffering. At first I thought, it’s just a new church, they will get used to it. Then there was the massive pulling away from Christ altogether as we seem to be doing in America now, and certainly Europe is anything but Christian. And now in many countries people are dying for their faith or they are suffering because of that faith. In 1st Peter 4:16, Peter says if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. Oh Beloved ones! there are so many who will be shocked on that day of judgement! Proverbs 11:30-31 The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and he who wins souls is wise. If the righteous receive their due on earth, how much more the ungodly and the sinner! or put another way in 1st Peter 4:18 If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner? We are living in interesting, exciting times. As I have said before, just look in the newspaper and look in your Bible…It’s coming…our day…but in the meantime, love people, see them as Jesus saw the-lost sheep without a shepherd. Know in your heart, that for those left behind, there truly may not be another chance. So don’t sit back, relax and read a book. Get up, get dressed, get out there! Make a difference in someone’s life -not just now, but eternally!

I have been honored once again–this time for an award that I didn’t even know existed! Anne, Mylifeuncutalmost.wordpress.com has given me this–at first I wondered if it was because I came off too legalistic, too rules oriented, too in the box. But then as I read the Commandments again, the Lord spoke to me and said, no this is truly an award for she recognizes that you, like her follow a Holy, Perfect God-who wants you to be Holy and Perfect too.The great Good News is that Because of Jesus and his Saving Work on the Cross, you don’t have to worry about your lack of ability to follow my Laws perfectly.So Anne, thank you so much. I am truly honored!

Because this is a new award, the rules are a little different than usual. And I am going to follow them! I have to answer the following 10 questions and then I have to nominate 10 blogs that I think deserve the award…so here goes.

2.What keeps you up at night? well that depends on the night! sometimes it’s physical like my asthma, or RA. Sometimes its the need to pray, because God has brought certain things or people to mind.

3.Whom would you like to be? ME-only a little more fruitful, joy, gentleness, selfcontrol, peace, kindness, love.

4. What are you wearing now? a sleep camisole and a pair of boxers

5.What scares you? spiders and snakes

6.What are the best and the worst things about blogging? the best things are meeting so many other people who are such terrific people on the same journey as I am on. AND being able to write out my thoughts and feelings and experiences- well they are but God puts everything in order as it comes from my fingers. The worst thing is I never have time to read all I want to read, comment on all I want to comment on-just get to know others

7.What was the last website you looked at? LinkedIn

8. If you could change something about yourself, what would it be? After many conversations with God, I understand why I am made the way that I am-and I wouldn’t change any of that –because it goes against His purpose for me. but I don’t think He’d mind me being less stubborn and hard headed.

9. Slankets??? I don’t even know what they are to ask anything about them!

10. Tell us something about the person who nominated you. Oh that’s easy, in fact I could just repeat what I told her yesterday. She is a lovely, very attractive woman. But what is most attractive about her–having read her heart in her blog is her love for our Savior. This “Jesus” in a woman’s heart makes her attractive till she glows I believe. And of course the more you are filled with Jesus’ spirit, the more attractive one becomes… read her heart and her love for Jesus at http://mylifeuncutalmost.wordpress.com

I was recently asked to write about my experience with adoption. I had written a little of this in an earlier post, if it sounds a little familiar.

In 1974, I was 22 years old and had an emergency hysterectomy. I was told how fortunate I was that I was already married and had a child. But I didn’t feel very fortunate! I had wanted 3 or 4 children, now that was obviously not to be. I wasreally confused. I thought that I had done everything in the world that would make God choose to bless me. He Had with the miracle birth of our daughter who was 13 months old at the time, but I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. Oh I had so much to learn!!

But then in January 1976, in my quiet time of the morning, He spoke to me through scripture and told me to “prepare for the child He was going to give us!” I was thrilled, excited, overwhelmed and yes, scared all at the same time. Scared because what if I was imagining this? And if it is true, how were we going to pay for it?—minor details I hadn’t worried about when I was praying my desire! Still, I did what God said to do. I prepared.

We got down the crib and the baby clothes from the attic. And I washed and ironed everything. Put the clothes and blankets away in the drawers. Had the crib all set up, made curtains for a nursery and created that room for the baby to come. I know everyone thought I was nuts, but humored me.

Then in April I got a phone call from a friend. She had a friend who was pregnant and wanted to give up her child for adoption. Would we be interested?? Oh yes! We would be interested I told her and explained exactly how prepared we were and would she please tell the birth mother this. It might make her feel better knowing that this child was not an accident, but planned for me.

Our daughter was born in the early morning of August the 8th. She came early by a couple of weeks, so I was surprised when I got the call from our attorney (who was the go between). He said your new daughter looks just like you! She has dark hair and eyes and dimples in the same place as yours! He was amazed because of course there was no matching, but here was a baby who looked more like me than my natural child (blonde/blue eyed, and tall-she does have the dimples too). And let me insert here that years later, I am 5’4 and she is 5/2 ½ while my oldest is 5’8. My natural child has a very laid back personality and goes with the flow, but the child of my heart? We are just alike! Emotional, extroverted, service oriented. She has her own story to tell of how she has arrived at 35, almost 36 a professional nanny who specializes in ADHD children and multiples; who finally got everything straight with the Lord who protected her from the moment of her conception-because He had a plan for her life; who has been on 2 mission trips in South America to share the Good News of Jesus Christ and this year will go to Haiti.

I could tell you that raising a child of your heart is easy, but I do not lie. And unfortunately for my child, her adoptive father left and divorced me when she was 2.

I married again when she was almost 4 and my husband has been her dad for the most part. She tried very hard in her teen years to live with her adoptive Dad, but there were so many issues on both sides, that it didn’t work. When she came home again, she brought the same problems with her and I certainly hadn’t learned the lessons I needed to learn that I have learned by now. So we all struggled, but we all loved, there was never any question of that on either side. I just kept praying and holding on to God’s promises that He has a plan for our lives (Jeremiah 29:11) I knew He had saved her life for a special purpose. It may be to be that all important nanny. It may be that all important person who leads a seeking heart to Jesus. I don’t know. I do know The ONE Who Holds The Future and I am convinced that nothing can separate us from Him and His plan for us and His commitment to finish the work He began in us…whatever it takes.

I have said that the Lord was really dealing with me on the subject of my speech. Sometimes others might wonder, Cindy how do you know? Well, the Lord confirms over and over by the scripture He gives me to ponder over in my study either in my formal Bible study or my daily devotional-sometimes both-a double whammy! Then I know it is important!

In my lesson, it is very obvious that one can only overcome a sin, a habit, by the power of the Holy Spirit. But once you have been made aware of the problem and you’ve asked for help, it is also incumbent upon you to invoke you own will and discipline because our Lord has given us a choice in all things, including being obedient in coming clean!

“If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God.” I Peter 4:11

Grabs you, doesn’t it? Makes you not want to even open your mouth at all! Because can any one of us imagine speaking the very words of God? But we all do! Think about your witness everyday. Those that know that you are a believer-that hear what comes out of your mouth! Is it what Jesus would say? Do we always speak in gentleness and love and truth? and WHO am I to even ask this when I only speak with a voice by the grace of God!(yes I blogged about getting my voice back miraculously after 18 months of no voice after a stroke in 05) So you see why God my Father might be after me a little more than the average person?

I’ll go back even further, to Romans 14. Paul is giving the believers instructions in what to do, not to-even what to eat, not to eat-or drink as the case maybe. Actually he says that all food is clean, but that is our weaker brother would stumble because of something that they saw us do or say or eat or drink in our strength-then we are wrong in our actions because the kingdom of God is not a matter of behavior and speech but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.

How great is our God! He brings something to our notice! Then He gives the power to overcome it! And continually supports that effort by sending parts of His word our way along with prayer support until all is overcome. I love Him! I praise Him-He is not a Bully, but so gentle and loving and careful and compassionate, even as He cuts away that which is evil or diseased in me.

I have given Him permission to go into every room in my Spirit. Have you?

My favorite phrase these days, my validation for who I am and why I am living! But this is what God showed me last night and this morning: in Hebrews 4, Jesus is the Great High Priest. And even though he has been through the heavens, Jesus is our high priest who can symphatize with our weaknesses-our every sin-because he was tempted as well-yet without sin. He also knows what it is to be cold, be hungry, be thirsty–whatever we are except without sin.

So when I am going through some trial physical or spiritual, Jesus can say to me. “Oh Cindy, I know exactly how you feel! These are normal feelings, those are not-this is what the Father says about the trouble…” And then He proceeds to give me the comfort that I turn around and give to others, which is all II Corinthians 1:4. Isn’t that just the neatest thing? Because I understood about His comfort. He has given me so much of it over the years. I don’t think I would have made it without it. But I had never seen Him as the Person going through everything that I was…yet he was.

I guess what I want to convey in this posting is the unlimited, overwhelming, incredible love that Jesus has for his own that He would do this. Over and over He’s told me how He love’s me and how I need to trust him more-much more! And of course I do trust Him and remind Him I have at least faith the size of a mustard seed! But how I want to grow it and mature myself in Him. And of course, that means more prayer and Bible study! Thank you Jesus that you answered my heartfelt cry to make me want to study your word, to make me want to spend time with you. Now I have to work it out to do my other required tasks because I would rather be here with you. Thank you. On August 5, 2005 I prayed this prayer from Psalm 40:7-8 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come– it is written about in the scroll. I desire to do your will , O my God; your law is within my heart. A few days later, I was in the hospital getting a cervical fusion and had a stroke. God used that time with me to teach me love and patience and gentleness-but it took this last year to learn to truly trust Him. I have written about some of these experiences-my hospitalization, losing my voice, getting a puppy to get me out of bed; but I just realized that I haven’t written about learning to trust Him. Maybe He is not ready for me to write of it yet-because He directs my writing, maybe I don’t really trust Him enough yet. I think I do, but the Father knows all things and can certainly see my heart. Well, I am certain of one thing, eventually you will hear that story as well.

Psalm 28: 7 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

and in Psalm 27:1 the Lord is my light and my salvation -whom shall I fear? the Lord is the stronghold of my life-of whom should I be afraid?

Oh, how I have claimed these promises in the last 2 weeks since we had seen the cardiologist! I certainly thought I was prepared for the worst. Even my children were-to the point of–Mom, you will be coming up here to live! But Hallelujah! I don’t think that God is finished with him yet either! Our visit with the surgeon went very well and he showed us exactly what he would be doing with putting this new kind of pacemaker into Dennis-which will be smaller and much more comfortable-thank you Lord!-but the best news of all? What we couldn’t believe? His heart muscle instead of still being at only 28-30% capacity is now 47% capacity! The doctors certainly don’t know what to make of it! But I do! My friends and I have been praying diligently for Dennis’ heart to strengthen-for this surgery and for his life–and so God has answered.

Surgery will be on the 20th, so we will have a quiet Christmas here at home. How thankful I am now that we were able to spend the week with the kids in Atlanta for Thanksgiving. That was some of the most precious time I have ever had with any of them…especially my granddaughters! How very thrilled we were when she told us that she wanted to ask Jesus to come and live in her heart. I spent quite a bit of time with her that night and yes Alyse was there and very interested herself. Then the following nights, Cailyn would always come and get me to “tuck her in” and we would again talk and talk. She has so many questions! I hope that she will be helped by her presents that she will be getting for Christmas. Dennis and I gave it a lot of thought and searched quite a bit for the right things for her.

This of course is what I was living and hoping for-my grandchildren taking an interest in Jesus Christ. Who He is, why He came, what He did for us. I have been praying for this for a long time. Once again, God has been faithful to me.

Our first home in Tampa had a nice big swimming pool. We moved in the summer, so the kids (and the dog) were in heaven. I loved it too as I got to stay home with them, doing a little secretarial work for Dennis’ business until they moved into their office in the Westshore area. When Dennis would come home from work, we’d all go swimming together. We had such a great time those few months.

When fall came, it was back to school for the kids. We had moved where we felt the best schools were for them, but for Laurel, it was very hard. Her class had team teaching and ADHD kids don’t do very well unless they are in a structured environment. We worked very hard with her and her teachers. I went to work as an outside sales rep for a temporary staffing company. I thought that this was the best way to get to know the city and the players and really hadn’t met anyone that did search and placement like we did in Atlanta that I wanted to work with. Very quickly I got very consumed with the job and there were many late nights filling job orders for companies to which I had sold our service.

The company sent me to Atlanta for sales training as that was their policy. And it was great sales training! My second time up there, I fell on a broken sidewalk and broke my foot. I came home in a cast and on crutches, but went right back to work. It was my left foot, so I could drive. Of course, my foot didn’t really heal well and as soon as I was out of the cast and off crutches, I re-injured it. Still, I kept working, just in the office for longer this time.

Then my neck started acting up. I had had a car accident back in 1978 in which I had cracked a vertebrae and damaged nerves in my neck as well as sustaining a concussion. Now I was starting to have regular times of just not being able to move or lift my head. I had had occasional bouts of this in Atlanta, but after physical therapy, I always got better. This time, I didn’t really get better. I saw a chiropractor-he did help me a lot more than the therapist. He was very thorough-did a blood test, blood pressure along with xrays. At 36, I had high blood pressure, high chlorestorol and high triglycerides! Well, that scared me for sure! My parents had heart issues and I certainly didn’t want to follow in their footsteps. I changed my diet significantly. I also changed my employment. That changed my blood pressure!

Of course there is more to the story! Our Melissa had fallen for one of the sons of one of the people I worked with. She was 13, he was 18. We caught her sneaking out at night to meet him and Dennis went ballistic! He had had sisters and warned me to watch her more closely,but I of course, couldn’t believe that my daughter would do that! He pulled her out of public school and put her in a private, all girl’s Catholic school. They wore uniforms and no makeup. I picked her up every day and for 6 months, she didn’t have a social life of any kind. I have to admit it worked. We didn’t have any trouble with her behavior after that!

But at work, tension between me and my co-worker was very strong. She, defending her son and his being led astray by my daughter! Dennis wanted to prosecute the boy, but we didn’t. About this time, my dad was stricken with his heart and went through his first quadruple by-pass. Seeing him like that, something in me shifted and I knew that I didn’t want to wind up like that because of a job or my circumstances.

Dennis and I decided that I would work part time for his company-marketing to designers and architects. Having grown up in the business with my mom and then my sisters and brother, this was an easy transistion for me. I was able to help the business and work the hours I needed to, but be home for the girls.

You notice there is still no God connection in all of these years. Yes, the girls occasionally went to church as I did. But He was not an important part of our home, our decisions, our conversation. I think He was letting the rope out with me. He says that He will never let us go once we are His-and eventually He was going to pull that rope up tight!