I woke up at 7 a.m. and unfortunately, did not feel like P. Diddy. Unfortunately for me, homeroom at Morass High starts at 6:45, which meant I would have to sweet-talk my way out of detention again. And when I say sweet-talk, I mean bring a tray of cupcakes to Mr. Rasp, the man in charge at the attendance office. Judging by his pale skin, baggy eyes, and several chins it’s easy to tell that Mr. Rasp is not well acquainted with the great outdoors, or sunshine for that matter. Most latecomers arrive in his office and are greeted with his glazed expression and reeking odor of his flatulence and leave with a detention slip and loss of appetite. However, the more experienced upperclassmen, such as myself, have learned to take advantage of Mr. Rasp’s soft spot for baked goods and manage to leave his office with only the slight odor of his office lingering in our jackets.

I finally reached homeroom at 7:15 and immediately found Mr. Trevrep yet again attempting to flirt with my best friend, Maggie. Today, Mr. Trevrep had slicked down his comb-over with so much gel it looked like he shoved his head in a bowling ball shiner.

My friend Shelly was guilty of murder. Not of any person, but worse; she was guilty of murdering the English language. Every time she opened her mouth to speak, you could practically hear the language screech in terror as she ground it into dust under her heel. She had the vocabulary of a bumbling toddler, the accent of an extraterrestrial, and the grammatical abilities of someone who doesn’t know English. To make matters worse, she gushed along at the speed of an express train, eating every second letter. Let’s just say it wasn’t easy talking to her.

It was hard, but I've finally managed to pick FIVE FINALISTS in the Funny Fiction Contest! First up: an untitled story by appleyface. Intrigued? Read on! —Miss Marm

This is my love story. When I was five years, old, I wrote a detailed description of what my first girlfriend would look and act like on a neon yellow post-it. She had to have hair that was not any shade of black, brown, blonde, or red. Blue eyes. She had to be an expert at playing the banjo. She had to be allergic to ketchup and mustard, just like I

Why did we ask Dan to share his comedy secrets? Because we're having a fiction contest, and the theme is FUNNY STORIES THAT ARE FUNNY. Check back a little later for more details! —Sparkitors

If you clicked on this post, then you might be a sad writer who creates dark stories about shadows and moths. That’s OK! We can help hone your funny bone. Don’t have a funny bone? Use your funny tooth. (It's located three teeth west of the sweet tooth, and directly above the gravy tooth, near the cosmic tooth.)

The first rule of comedy writing is: There are no rules. The second rule of comedy writing is: Fight Club is real and you should tell all your friends. The third rule is: Just because it’s yellow, that doesn’t mean it’s