I feel like an asshole.

So as most of you know by now, Mark knocked me up. Bastard. Just kidding. I found out yesterday at lunch and I think I’m still in shock. At this point, it’s just not concrete. It hasn’t really set in and I don’t think it will until I have some proof, a heartbeat or a kick, something other than 2 lines on a stick. I’m having a hard time expressing the way I am feeling without coming across as ungrateful and unhappy.

I am happy but, I am also nervous and terrified which defeats the whole feeling of happiness in my opinion. Currently, we do not have medical insurance and people are quick to point it out. Yes, thank you almost complete stranger, I am fully aware of our current situation. No, I will not discuss the situation with you or what we are doing to fix it, it is none of your business. Mark is trying diligently to find a job to provide for our medical needs. We had extraordinary benefits and just like that *poof* sorry bud, we are downsizing, best of luck. So it goes.

I will tell you that it is a blessing that my Mom never dropped me from her insurance. I have my best friend and her Mom who are schooled and v.v. well trained in the Insurance Industry going over my policy and will advise me later in the day about whether I am covered as a married person.

My other issue is completely selfish and I am willing to admit it. I have lost 17 pounds. I don’t want to give them up. I worked hard to get where I am and I was so happy and optimistic about my future and the road I was taking. I feel like the Queen of the Deuche Bag Assholes saying it out loud but, I am being honest.

Of the people I’ve told after their admonishments about lack of health care comes the disappointment that I’ll more than likely gain the weight back. Do people not think that yes, I understand that you aren’t supposed to eat like a line backer? More than anything I’ve heard to, watch what I’m eating, don’t drink or smoke. Well thank you for the advise because *whew* I was just about to run out and smoke some black tar heroine with my homies and pick up a few 40’s of Olde E. Seriously?

I understand people are trying to be helpful but I’m pretty up to date on the standards of pre-natal care. Don’t drink, don’t smoke, eat healthly, don’t lay on your stomach, don’t ride a rollercoaster, etc. I may be young but, I watch alot of TV folks. I’m not even THAT young anymore, I will be 25 when this is said and done.

While I know most were expecting this post to be full of sunshine and rainbows the fact is, I am Switzerland right now. I am standing neutral for a few weeks anyway. Mark and my besties are falling down with excitement while my Mom and other parental figures in my world are concerned about our situation. My Mom soooo did not have the reaction I was expecting and I was actually a little let down at her overall lack of reaction. Therefore, my stance on Switzerland. I will ride the center line for awhile.

Am I the only person that has felt this way? Is it normal? Am I being an asshole? I always thought that as soon as I got pregnant, I’d have an instantaneous bond with the child I am carrying. It isn’t happening and I am overwhelmed at all of the emotions I’ve felt in the past 24 hours.

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6 Responses to “I feel like an asshole.”

From talking to mutliple friends that are/have been pregnant…

1. MANY do not have an instantaneous bond with their baby – not when you’re pregnant, nor when they are first born. It’s not love at first sight, it’s a love you grow into that grows stronger than any other love you’ve known. It’s just that no one ever mentions this part because it seems absurd or unnatural, when I actually believe that it’s the exact opposite. Maybe it’s easier with the second baby?

2. You don’t have to gain the weight back. I know a lot of people that have lost weight while pregnant if they had weight to lose beforehand. You have even MORE motivation to eat right (because you’re essentially feeding your baby) and you won’t have the added calories from alcohol. Being pregnant is not a free pass to eat as much crap as you can, it’s an excuse for those that choose to do so. It’s a choice. It’s YOUR choice.

3. This baby is a blessing. It might not have been planned. It might not be ideal timing. But it’s life has a purpose.

Renee is SO RIGHT!! Amen to everything that she said! You have a right to not feel an instant bond with your child. It will come, I promise! You have a lot on your plate and when you settle down it will hit you. Feel good about yourself and when it is right you will feel the love for you child that is there…it is just working its way up to the surface!

CONGRATS!!! You are Mark are going to be FABULOUS parents to this lucky little baby!!!

To be quite honest, when I found out I was pregnant I was pissed. I didn’t want a damn kid and I wasn’t ready for one. I was faaaaar from excited. It took a few months before I was even a little happy about being knocked up but I got there. Now I don’t know what I’d do without him.

Most women don’t even feel pregnant at 4 weeks (which is only 2 weeks after actual conception) so how do you expect to instantly bond with your embryo which is 1/200th of an inch in size? No worries dear, it doesn’t work that way. You may be feeling a little tired, but “pregnant?”, not necessarily.

Once you see the heartbeat it will totally change your prospective and WILL make it so real- I guarantee it.

I wouldn’t worry about weight gain. You don’t HAVE to gain a ton of weight and you probably won’t unless you use being pregnant as an excuse and license to eat! {But sometimes you give in to those cravings and it happens. Ha! :o) }

Lots of women lose weight in their first trimester, especially if they have morning sickness. I didn’t gain or lose in the first 14 or so weeks. I was sick-ish but nothing I couldn’t handle (the memories of going through chemo were too fresh in my memory and nothing compares to that)

I’m sorry your mom wasn’t as overjoyed as you would have liked. That would have been crushing for me. She’s just worried and shocked but I’m sure it will pass and she will be as excited as any grandmother should be!

Oh, honey…you’re totally normal. Having a baby is terrifying. No two ways about it. Your world is about to be rocked so you just have to hold on as best you can! Don’t worry about the bonding thing, it will come.

Just FYI, on the insurance thing, if you want to put your mind at ease and start preparing early, you can go to the hospital where you plan to deliver and ask them for a price list of how much it costs to have a baby. Honest to goodness, they gave me one when I registered during my pregnancy. For some reason it wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought it would be. And besides that, it wouldn’t matter, because you absolutely cannot put a price tag on becoming a parent. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Period. I wouldn’t lie about something like that.