Thousands of Hillary Supporters Incinerated After 'Feeling the Bern'

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Feb 2, 2016 | 2:25 PM (Photo: REUTERS/Mike Stone)Flames engulf a road near Bastrop State Park as a wildfire burns out of control near Bastrop, Texas September 5, 2011. An estimated 1,000 homes are being threatened in Bastrop County, just east of Austin, as a 14,000-acre (5700-hectare) wildfire rages out of control, causing evacuations.

Thousands of campaign volunteers, as well as several buildings including a high school gymnasium and a Pentecostal church, have been incinerated after "Feeling the Bern."

In what many survivors and eye witnesses can only describe as a vast fireball, the Hillary Clinton campaign suffered severe losses after large numbers of supporters felt the Bern.

While details remain unclear as to how the blaze began, its point of origin appears to have been a Bernie Sanders speech accidentally blared over the loudspeakers at the crowded gym.

One woman who barely escaped one of the many conflagrations that erupted downtown expressed her shock at the happening.

"When people always talked of 'feeling the Bern', I thought they were just being punny," she said between coughs, her face covered in ash. "I didn't know I was supposed to take it literally."

A few escaped by looking away from the center of the stage and covering their ears as the speech consumed most of the others.

Several hundred sought refuge at a nearby Pentecostal church, thinking that the building was going to withstand the Bern.

"We just assumed that they were used to sudden outbursts of strange fire," shrugged one survivor who was among those in the Pentecostal church.

Since bursting onto the scene months back, the Democratic Party has experienced several similar fiery instances of volunteers, voters, and others feeling the Bern.

Generally assumed to be a lighthearted expression of support for the Vermont senator, those familiar with the Bern actually know it to be a deadly menace to civilization.

Those who have followed Sanders' life have long known him to be able to use the Bern to consume his enemies in a fiery storm.

One woman, who reminded us that Rhode Island was neither a road nor an island, explained that she can recall an instance at a basketball game decades ago that a much younger Sanders played in.

"I remember when little Bernie was in his cute little short-shorts going about the court, when the other team had the chutzpah to take the lead," she said, sipping more coffee and then adjusting her large tinted glasses.

"As I was feeling verklempt, suddenly fireballs shot out of little Bernie's eyes and all the other team were lit up like candles. They had to forfeit."

The dangers of the Bern have led Democratic party leadership to consider holding the Convention at Niagara Falls or along the Mississippi River, just in case.

Efforts to get comments from the Sanders campaign failed due to the recording equipment melting from the intense flames still emanating from the candidate.

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