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The guide to the different kinds of baby clothes

Have you ever wondered why there are so many configurations of baby clothes out there? It seems the combinations are neverending: snaps, zippers, buttons, snapping at the bottom, down the front and side, three snaps at the bottom, zippers down one side and so on and so forth?

I always thought it was to pander to people’s personal preferences until I realized the different configurations of baby clothes are entirely based on what you want to happen to them once you put them on the baby. It has nothing to do with ease of use, logic, personal preference, or cuteness. No, friends, there are powerful karmic elements at play when you dress and subsequently undress your child.

Allow me to explain what the different types of clothing configurations will mean in real-life terms.

Onesies that you pull over the baby’s head and have three snaps at the bottom

You know the ones. These are the bread and butter of the baby world. The simple snaps at the bottom mechanism mean that your life while the baby is in the outfit is pretty much gravy. Changing is a snap (pun intended, because I’m a cheesy mom who makes cheesy mom jokes now). However, babies aren’t too thrilled at the whole “pulling clothes over their heads” thing. This fuss you will receive thrown in your face is your payment for future ease of use; it evens out. There is a reason these outfits are the ones you see on babies all the time. They are the only ones that are karmically even in the universe.

ALSO, I just learned something about these onesies. You know how they have that envelope fold over the shoulders? Well, it turns out that’s so you can take the onesie off down, instead of pulling it up in case of extreme…circumstances. Don’t say you never learned anything here.

Here’s a video explaining what I’m talking about. Try to not let your head explode.

“Wow, there sure are a lot of snaps to get this outfit closed!”

Your baby will suddenly now go through more diapers than you could have ever imagined. I am convinced the true cure for baby constipation is a complicated onesie with a lot of snaps on the lower half of the outfit. Your reward, however, is that the outfit will stay on for a very long time.

“This zipper down the front sure does make it easy to get the baby into the outfit and to change him in the middle of the night!”

Spit up. Lots of spit up. Immediately. On the bright side, the zipper that makes the outfit so easy to get into also makes it super easy to take off.

“This is the most adorable outfit I’ve ever seen! Squeee!”

Please note the buttons at the neck area are not fully buttoned. However, I literally cannot put this sweater on my child without literally saying the word “SQUEEEEEE!” multiple times. Because seriously: SQUEE!

This is harder to predict, but this sentiment means one or both of the following two things:

The outfit is almost impossible to put on. It is your penance if you would like the outfit to stay on. I apologize for this.

You will never get out of the house with it on.

Also, the more adorable you find an outfit is exactly how unlikely it is that people will comment on how flipping adorable the outfit on the baby is if you do manage to make it out of the house. There have been times where I have all but screamed, “BUTTONS, PEOPLE. I MANAGED TO USE BUTTONS ON A SQUIRMING NEWBORN AND NOBODY IS COMMENTING ON HOW OUTRAGEOUSLY ADORABLE AND OBVIOUSLY WORTH IT THE BUTTONS ARE.” Clearly this isn’t an often occurrence because buttons on a newborn outfit are actually Satan’s handiwork quite difficult.

“Wow, this outfit is SO adorable AND SO easy to put on AND change the baby in!”

Admire this outfit from the changing table, friend, since that’s as far as that outfit is getting. Prepare yourself for every possible liquid exuding from the baby simultaneously and there is simply no way that any diaper is going to hold in the blowout you’re about to witness. Sorry.

So there you have it. These are pretty much all the occurrences I can think of while dressing a child and what the outfits spell out for the immediate future. The fact of the matter is this: babies are messy. They kind of just drip various liquids from different areas of their tiny little bodies all the time. The key I have found is to just remember to take it in stride and that a good stain remover (I like Dreft, the baby laundry detergent maker) handy by the changing table.

And to take pictures as quickly as humanly possible of the cute outfits because, again, I can assure you they won’t be on long.