for the love of odd

Paranormal Parenting: Welcome To Life As A Walking Food Source

Oh, I thought of another thing that both toddlers and zombies have in common. It doesn’t take either one of them very long to reach a very important conclusion:

You = food. And food = life.

Spoiler alert: there is rarely a happy ending in store for any person who can be categorized as a “food source,” either in film or in reality.

Since both toddlers and zombies have an unwavering survival instinct, you’re not coming out of this unscathed. They must feed. But the good news is that, unlike the walking dead, most toddlers don’t need to outright kill you in order to procure nourishment. In fact, you’re of more use to them alive than dead – because that jar of pureed squash isn’t going to open itself, now is it?

The bad news is that, as far as any toddler is concerned, you’re just a glorified can opener on legs – and you will be accorded a comparable level of respect. Worse, after a few years of waiting on them hand and foot, compensating for their own utter ineptitude in the kitchen, your dignity will be ground to a nub.

A cute trick is to ask them, “What did you last servant die of?” Once they have sharpened their verbal acumen, you can teach them to respond with, “Exhaustion.”

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