Sunday, July 17, 2011

I don't miss walking on egg shells.I don't miss being taken as critical when i was not.I don't miss the competition.I don't miss the criticism.

I miss having a hand to hold at the movies.I miss sex. (Yes, i could probably arranged to get laid, but that's not my style, at least until i get a lot more desperate. :))

Something i have been hearing from many people lately is that i am too hard on myself. Okay, i see that that's true, but i wonder, who among us ISN'T hard on themselves? I mean, aren't most people? Are you? It's a behavior with some usefulness, in moderation. I mean, shouldn't we examine our behavior with a critical eye from time to time? Maybe i just need to learn that moderation part.

Em was just visiting here for the weekend. It was so relaxing not to have to feel like i was between her and her dad, because he was jealous of Em and me being close. We had a great time and did some things and spent some time doing nothing together too.

We ARE hardest on ourselves. In fact, one of my go-to yoga class closers is the idea that we need to appreciate the gifts we bring to this party. There are things you do easily and well, things people come to you seeking, that you dismiss out of hand - we all do that, too. As a meditation once in a while, rest your mind on something that you rock - even if it's something as seemingly inconsequential as parallel parking (first time, every time, Baby!). Remember that there are a million different special things that make you you, and try to see yourself as a treasured friend would.

You're right. For most people, we scrutinize ourselves probably more than we should, and yet some scrutiny is excellent, otherwise we'd be the type of person to go about doing what we want willy nilly without considering the feelings of others. Ahem.

I think over time you will find the things you don't miss to outweigh the things you do. And the things you do miss can still be on your horizon. Just think of having someone to hold hands with, have sex with, who doesn't lie to you. It would make the holding and sex so much sweeter.

I've found that mostly, when I've "arranged to have sex" it doesn't feel worth it because it's not really what I'm craving. I want that intimate connection with someone and I've become a little ore inclined lately to want to look for that. It's not easy.

It's a fine line with self-assessment, isn't it? We tolerate flaws in others that we cannot accept in ourselves. Yes, I am hard on myself too. I analyze everything I do for motive and execution. It doesn't really help me to be a better person, but it helps me to understand myself. Sometimes it's hard to understand yourself when someone else is telling you who you are: critical, competitive, etcetera. Now you get to define yourself, which is both somewhat painful, but also rather liberating. I cannot wait to find out more about who you really are. What I know so far, I like very much.

I agree with you that we are all pretty hard on ourselves -- and oftentimes it takes peoples' outside perspective for us to see that, and to see our gifts. We're strange that way. With practice, I have eased myself into noting the self-critical voice and gently telling myself to lighten up.

Walking on fucking eggshells is for the birds (hehe)!! I don't miss it either - it is so liberating to be out from under it. Having been married now 3 bloody times, I tell myself I will never again settle for walking on eggshells. Hold me to that, because I'm bound to falter.

Yes, most of us are hard on ourselves, I certainly am. Sometimes it helps us to be better people, sometimes it just undermines our self-confidence. But better that than having no self-discipline whatever.

It sounds like you're starting to miss less than you don't miss. That's a step in the right direction.

At the risk of broad brushing…I think we tend to be overly self critical or overly delusional. Interesting how ego factors into both camps.

When you have free time to think through things it's difficult not be hard on yourself, or to compare your experience to someone else's. The human condition is skilled at fabricating mirrors and blowing smoke.

It seems to me that the minuses in that relationship far outweighed the positives -- the final straw was learning that he was jealous of your closeness to your daughter. It was far too much of a sacrifice for a hand to hold in the movies. You will have all the good stuff again, but next time it will be with someone who realizes how precious you are and is grateful to have you.

I'm really happy to hear an update from you, Meno. And I'm glad you have such a great kid. I hope she's able to continue to visit regularly. It sounds like you have a really healthy relationship with her.

I am not sure what to add to the "too critical of myself" discussion. I certainly am. I am still beating myself up about my decision to stay home, even though I know I am happier. It's purely based on what I think other people secretly think of me. (Note, it's what I think. Not at all what a single friend has even hinted at.) WTF, self?

I don't know you IRL, but what I do know about you is that you are a great writer. That's why I keep coming back. Glad you are hanging on to that piece of yourself.

Hey Cat, not sure if you'll see this comment, or even one detail about your situation, but I am chiming in on the "staying home."

I have been a stay-at-home parent for nine years, and now that I want to work again it's as if I have no education and no work experience, despite having a Bachelor's degree and 12 years of building my career.

I would have done things differently if I had known I would become unemployable.