Tuesday, December 22, 2009

"Hello, um, we worked together, in 1995, I think you were in residency at the time. Anyway, I hate to bother you, but I really need some Vicodin or something called in, because I have really bad neck pain, and back then I mentioned it to you. I'm not a junkie because I used to have a nursing license and learned all about these drugs, and why you shouldn't abuse them, so if you could please call some Vicodin in to Local Pharmacy I really need it."

Students must be SO smart these days; even those in medical assistant programs. If I had a dime for every time I heard "oh no, I don't need counseling on my prescription because I'm in school to be a medical assistant/cna/nurse/ect." I would be a gazillionaire. :)

"Hello, um, you probably don't remember me (as we've never met), but I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. Anyway, I hate to bother you, but I really need some Morphine or something called in (fresh needles and syringes would be nice too...), because I have really bad lower back pain, as do most quadrupeds who went bipedal. I'm not a junkie because I used to have that game "Operation" when I was a kid and I know all about lighting up the patient's nose with the forceps, so if you could please call some CII opioids in to Local Pharmacy I really need it. Oh, and if you could pick it up and pay for it and deliver it to my house, that would be great. Oh yeah, and while you're out, I could use some bleach and ice-cream as well. Thanks!"

Pronon, the even sadder part is the DO call their old pedi, or their kids' pedi, or their best friend's brother's stepkid's pediatrician. most of the time they are "smart" enough to just ask for "codeine cough syrup" because the kid can't sleep. always a tipoff when you don't hear coughing in the background!

I hate to bother you, but I really need some Morphine or something called in (fresh needles and syringes would be nice too...), because I have really bad lower back pain, as do most quadrupeds who went bipedal. I'm not a junkie because I used to have that game "Operation" when I was a kid and I know all about lighting up the patient's nose with the forceps.

Dr. G, while I would like to think that you are really just a well educated English major with a flair for storytelling...I have to conclude that you ARE a working MD, and are also a total SHIT MAGNET! Where do these people come from.....and how do they ALL find YOU???????

Hey, Grumpy? I don't know you, but I'm a neuroscience nurse, and so I was thinking maybe you'd come over and bring me a pint of good vanilla ice cream, like Ben & Jerry's, and maybe some hot fudge, and some whipped cream? And nuts. Not peanuts, but pecans. Toasted.

And that same "special" patient will call me at the pharmacy first thing in the morning and insist that I page you on their behalf to get a "refill"....Oh I know him personally. He will ok it. I'll be there in 20 minutes...it should be ready, right???

Welcome to my whining!

This blog is entirely for entertainment purposes. All posts about patients may be fictional, or be my experience, or were submitted by a reader, or any combination of the above. Factual statements may or may not be accurate.

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