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August 12, 2015

I Just Want It To Be Over

Like I mentioned in my last post, there's part of me that was relieved to find out I wasn't ovulating. Why? Well, lets wind back a few days.

Saturday night the Hubs and I sat at a fancy dinner for our preemptive anniversary celebration. I was trying hard not to bring the infertility/medical treatment topic up, because I usually ruin special events by bringing our issues up and then getting all emotional about them. I can't help it, it's just what I do. So of course, despite my best intentions, I finally brought it up (though I think it was at least after our appetizer).

We started to talk about what to do going forward. I hadn't been feeling good for a while, what with side effects from meds and supplements and all, and wasn't sure if I could take another cycle on that particular mix. (This was before my latest cycle review that, well, simplified the options.) The Hubs suggested that we take a break the next cycle. This isn't the first time he's made that suggestion, its been something we've talked about quite a bit over the last few months as the side effects have gotten more and more difficult to deal with. The idea of it is nice, and I do think it would be good for me, I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I'm a very stubborn person.

But this time, before I had really even though of my response, I blurted out "I don't want to take a break, I just want it to be over with." I hadn't really even thought about it that much, but I guess that is a big part of why I didn't want to take a break. Taking a break isn't really just stopping it all. It just means maintaining for a while then jumping back into it all full swing again. The thought of that is about as exhausting as keeping up with the status quo.

All I've wanted from the begging of this journey, other than you know, a child, has been to know when and how it'll end. Such a simple wish right? I know there wouldn't likely be any answering of that, but hey, I could hope. I'm the kind of person that hates suspense in the first place, for anything. Apply it to my own life, and it gets 100 x worse.

If the suspense wasn't bothering me enough, there's also the toll infertility has taken on my life. To say it has thrown thing for a loop would be a giant understatement. It's more like it turned my life on spin cycle. It's a never ending merry go round of tests, diagnoses, procedures, more tests, side effects, and emotions. It's impacted every area of my life, and changed who I am, in both good and bad ways. That's all a really long way of saying that its exhausting. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually exhausting. With no end in sight.

I think that's why I've kept plugging along without rest, I just keep hoping to get to the end, one way or another. Whether that's a baby in our arms, or knowing for once and for all that it just isn't going to happen. Choosing to keep going gives me some false sense of control, like I actually have a say in what happens (hah), and that taking one step will get us closer to the end.

I think that's why the news on Monday was somewhat of a relief. Even though it means one more thing didn't work... it also means one more step closer to the end of this journey. As hard as it is to face that the end might not be us being parents... it's comforting to think that some day my life might not revolve around medical treatment again.

9 comments:

I understand and am going through the same thing. Although I don't have the awful side effects of you (that is super hard) I have strict diet, no alcohol, no exercise, pills, appointments, etc. and it just makes the disappointment each month harder especially when you can't run and have a piece of chocolate cake to console you! We took one month off and I ate what I wanted, ran, drank, etc. and was so happy and carefree. It makes me ready to just quit all together. I understand what you are going through and will pray for you. I know it seems hard to understand what God is doing but I try to offer it to him as a sacrifice for him to do good with. I know in the end, somehow, good will come from it all and it's my job to trust even in the darkness. God bless!

I find myself wishing for early menopause thanks to IF and secondary IF and the emotional pain it has brought. I find myself considering not renewing our home study at the end of this year and being done with the endless wait for an adopted baby. But I know these thoughts are just my desire to be in control of my future and to run from the pain. Even when I try to run, I always end up turning around and coming back. Praying for you.

Praying for your discernment. It is tough to know when to stop and when to take a break. We have been on and off the medical roller coaster too. After our very long break last year we felt more at piece as we have dipped our toe back in the water a bit. We aren't on cycle plans or anything just trying to maintain good hormone levels. When I feel overwhelmed I defer to JJ to take the reins. So having your husband make the decisions for awhile might be a good idea. Prayers and hugs!

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but sometimes you just have to decide that it is over. When the trying takes too much of a toll on you physically, mentally, emotionally, on your marriage, on your relationships, on your finances, etc., perhaps it is time to say "enough!". It's hard. It's painful. But in some ways there is great relief. And you decide to be happy. Not that it won't ever hurt again (or still), it does. But a certain freedom comes from letting the dream fly away and not being tied to "what next". Praying for you in whatever you decide!

This resonates so much with me. I was just telling my mom I wished for menopause if I couldn't get pregnant so the never ending limbo would just be over. We're living a piece of our purgatory right now. Prayers for your discernment.

About Me

I'm just a 20 something Catholic woman with a wonderful husband and two crazy dogs. I blog about whatever life throws at me, which right now has a lot to do with infertility and weight struggles, among other things. Thanks for joining me along this journey! If you'd like to contact me, send me an email at tomato (at) tomatosvine (dot) com.