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Non-Alcoholic St. Patrick’s Day Celebration

Just a reminder to everyone that Saturday I’ll be hosting the Non-Alcoholic St. Patrick’s Day celebration at Moons Field. We’re going to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day the way our ancestors would have wanted: stone cold sober.

That’s right, no booze! That means good ol’ Irish fun without the shenanigans. We’ll have plenty of ice cream, board games, and if you must, nonalcoholic green beer!

I decided to host this party after City Counsel rejected my proposal to curb St. Patrick’s Day over drinking by limiting the city to only one Port-a-Potty for the night. When that failed, I decided throwing my own sober party was the only way to go.

Why do we have to celebrate being Irish by drinking too much? The thought itself is offensive! My great grandfather Shane McWood fled Dublin after being the preeminent, and only, voice for the Irish prohibition movement of the early 20th century. Upon reaching Ellis Island, he changed his name from Shane McWood to Sean Wood, not only to Americanize, but also not to be recognized by an Irish drinking song that was really popular in New York at the time:

“Oh Shane McWood, Shane McWoodTried to take our brew awaySo if you see him sneakin’ ‘boutPunch his face and stab his eyes outBite his toes and cut his throatTie his nipples to a galloping horseStuff a bottle up his arseAnd hang him by his peckerYes, hang him by his pecker”

Children’s songs were much more violent back then. So my great grandfather changed his name. But soon, other Irish in the Lower East Side began to be suspicious of his true identify. So he packed and moved to the most obscure town he could find: Byron Valley, known today as Byron City.

He even knew our city’s founder, Byron Wilkes. When they first met, an old and withered Byron called him a dirty potato-eating mick and spat in his face, and Sean Wood stuck a fork in his shoulder. They remained close friends throughout their lives.

So come celebrate your Irish Heritage without being a nuisance! See you all Saturday.