Heat Choke Away Game 5, One Loss Away From Elimination

The Miami Heat had everything in its favor. A game at home. A 13-point lead in the second quarter. A 9-point lead in the third. The Boston Celtics stars struggling on offense. A chance to go up 3-2 and force Boston to win two games in a row.

And yet, of course, the Heat found a way to lose 94-90 and are now headed back to Douchelandia one loss away from LeBromageddon.Rajon Rondo shot 3-for-15. Paul Pierce 6-for-19. Ray Allen 2-for-9.

Think about that for a minute.

You can't, can you?

The left-hand part of your brain just looked at the right-hand part of your brain and said, "Meh, Imma go take a shit and then go to sleep."

It's official. The Miami Heat's role players suck the shit out a camel's asshole with a goddamn whirly straw. While the Celtics have guys who can knock down threes even during broken plays, the Heat's alleged three-point specialists -- Chalmers, Battier, Miller, Jones -- are as ineffective shooting three pointers as a guy trying to fuck an ostrich.

Missing wide-open shots and then getting absolutely eviscerated by a lack of transition defense against a team that can hit lights out jumpers earns you a full-fledged car battery enema.

Look at the stats below. Look at the points scored by all players not named L. James or D. Wade. And then slam your dick in a waffle iron:

The Celtics won last night while being very old and being mostly shitty thanks mainly to Miami's two biggest problems: No point guard and no big man. As bad as Boston was offensively, their entire highlight reel from last night is Kevin Garnett throwing down alley-oop dunks from Rondo. Over and over and over again until we all collectively shat a Buick. And while Chris Bosh's return was pretty awesome, the Heat still had no answer for a seven foot old asshole who scored 26 points (mostly in the paint) and grabbed 11 rebounds.

Then there was the lack of simply being the Miami Heat. As this series has rolled ever so slowly into the black maw of shittery, the Heat have gone from being a transition offensive juggernaut, to a half-court, standing-around, pass-pass-pass-JUMPSHOT-miss! basketball team. A lot of this is because this team has missed Chris Bosh more than any team can possibly miss their third best player. And a lot of this is Boston's defense, which not only forced Miami into a brick laying sack of monkey dicks, but forced both LeBron James and Dwyane Wade into lulls, where they completely disappeared and were lost in the Bermuda Triangle of Suck. That shouldn't be a big deal when you have competent role players (like say, Oklahoma City when Kevin Durant struggles). But with this team, it remains LeWade or Bust.

We're not big on criticizing coaching around here. Coaching is important, but it doesn't play the biggest role of all, which is scoring, defending, rebounding and not throwing up into your pants when the game is on the line.

But Erik Spoelstra needs to have an entire beehive shoved right into his anal cavity today. While Spo is an intelligent guy who knows Xs and Os better than any of us, he's also a goddamn Vulcan when it comes to in-game decisions. The Celtics have effectively run the alley-oop-to-Garnett play out of timeouts roughly a billion times this series, and Spo has not been able to recognize it or answer it. Spo also has a knack for sticking to lineups that might have worked a few games ago, but in the current situation is an open wounded clusterfuck. The biggest penis sandwich last night was taking Norris Cole out of the game in favor of a completely worthless Mario Chalmers. Oh and not having Chris Bosh out there during crunch time. Spo later said having Bosh out there "wouldn't be fair to him."

Congratulations, fuckstick. You are now officially on the chopping block.

Shove my balls right into a Cuisinart blender and press liquefy!

And Heat fans in attendance at the Triple-A, please go get fucked with a circus midget you good for nothing shitbags. Each and every one of you who forked over your kids' college fund to sit and watch a crucial basketball game like it was a fucking piano recital.