The Sun newspaper have undertaken a scientific experiment, probing the safety of the 3DS.

The opening scene of an innumerable amount of German “mature domination” pornography. The dialogue is the usual European raunch:

Jorgen: It’s my testicles, doctor, I found a lump on them.
Doctor: Well, that could be very serious. Pop your trousers and pants off and let’s take a look.
Jorgen: What do you think doctor?
Doctor: Yes, your testicles ARE very swollen. When was the last time you emptied them?
Jorgen: Oh heavens! Doctor Cooper, I…
Doctor: My prescription is SUCK MUMMY’S FINGER!
Jorgen: MMM…
Doctor: Make it wet, next it’s going UP YOUR DICK!

Sometimes we feel we go too far.

We assume there was a scene where they moved out to the car, and the cross eyes indicate Dr Cooper is below frame receiving the vinegar shot. Maybe they were just in the car, with no continuity, doing a different position all of a sudden. Porns do that sometimes, presumably when they get kicked out of a location before having filmed the cum-shot.

Just one more image left, you can do it!

“Seriously though Jorgen,” the doctor said softly, tugging the last globules of semen from the man’s phallus, letting the droplets fall, like snowflakes onto her ample bosom, “this could be testicular microlithiasis. Come back on Monday for a test.”

As we all know by now, everything good in our world comes from the island nation of Japan. Everything. From video games to Japanese women to toxic nuclear waste capable of travelling the entire world, it all originates in the land of the rising sun.

Today, I intend to discuss another product of the only country that matters since ours became a third world slum. This time, it will be Anime.

Yes, anime, like the disgusting little Japanophile I am. Now you may think anime refers to your favourite childhood shows, Pokémon, Digimon and Dragonball Z. And you’d be right, because those are brilliant. However, that is what’s known as “mainstream” in the indie-chic world of Japanese Animation. This rant was inspired by a show which I saw mere hours ago, and have still only seen the first episode of. “Kore wa Zombie desu ka?”, which I believe translates to “Korean Zombie Desk car”.

The first few moments before the opening theme, the anime seems fairly normal. The main character walks out of his home, casually telling a girl who is dressed in full battle-armour that he is leaving. Then he goes to school and has a fairly normal day.

Then he see’s a little cat about to get hit by a van! Our dashing hero charges out, determined to see this cat survive. He leaps into action!

Fairly heroic, you might think. But then it hits you. “Hang on, our strapping cat-saviour is about to be hit by that truck. He’ll Die!”. And that would make sense, if this were not an anime. However, as it is, this happens instead. Everything goes in slow motion, the truck almost hits our hero, who turns toward the camera and reveals.

Oh Japan, if any other country tried to make this nonsense, they’d fall on their arses because of the sheer absurdity.(We’re looking at you, China. Growing economy or not, you’re not nearly crazy enough to make this shit up).

This is just the beginning however, all this has happened before the show’s opening theme has even played, there’s still so much more ground to cover, and I’m already approaching 400 words.

Following the opening scene, we are quickly given the following plot summary.

So after all this nonsense is over, you might feel you have a basic grasp of what’s going on. You don’t, shut up!

We are then introduced to a character, who’s name escapes me at the moment and I care not to look it up, while our leading man is hanging around in a graveyard(because he’s a zombie, you know). This young girl then leaps towards our protagonist, pink chainsaw in hand, and nearly slices him in half. Before he has time to respond to this however, he is impaled by the claws of a giant bear.

Now, this is running on a bit, so I’ll skip the majority of the episode with a brief summary. The main character absorbs the girl’s superpowers(aka. how to wear a pink dress and wield a chainsaw) and then is stalked by a scary looking motherfucker. The aforementioned motherfucker then confronts him in the classroom. Here is our hero’s first real battle, but wait…the guy is transforming! What is this?!

That’s right, he’s a giant lobster, why the fuck not? So as you might imagine, our hero easily defeats the villainous lobster, but is blown outside the school window in doing so, and all his classmates see him in his pink dress and with his giant chainsaw. Now this has happened to us all at some point, but when it happened to me, it was before the days of cell phones, so my classmates weren’t able to take pictures at least. He, however, was less fortunate. And the episode ends.

Let this almost 700 word rant tell you everything you need to know about the Japanese and their brilliance. This is the antiquince, signing off.

Didactic moralizing and “memes” that were never very popular in the first place. That’s how we’ll get popular.

Saints Row: The Third is a sick computerized rape simulation that teaches your children to have sex with gimp prostitutes, then beat them to death with disgustingly oversized male genitals (penis and testicles), and KILLING THEM to get your money back in order to score “bonus points”.

The twisted rape simulation also shows a man-whore who is being kept alive and is forced to masturbate over the carnage, while images of naked children intermittently flash on screen.

The Japanese game has been announced after the disaster ravaged country sent toxic nuclear gas through the cracks of BROKEN BRITAIN. Only our MPs can stop this paedo filth from doing the same.

Now, before we go any further, let me introduce myself. I am Minimum Antiquince, the Maximum Quince of a parallel universe, that emerged from Waluigi’s Forest. Despite being his opposite in every conceivable way(and a horrible concept that will alienate the fans), we will have the same opinion on most subjects, the same sense of humour and largely be the same person, minus a few noticable writing differences.
Now, one area in which we vary are our levels of weaboo. I’m afraid I’m much closer to Youtube.co.uk’s own prodigal son, Soulless01475 than Maximum Quince himself. That said, I’ve never marched 38 people into a small restaurant without a reservation and demanded service. That would be horrible.

Now, let’s talk about what we’re all really wanting to discuss. The decline of our country and it’s people.

Now, as you definitely know because the only people that will ever read this are real-life friends of the authors (and MOM!) is that we, the writers of this delightful blog, live in the family friendly(if your family are knives) city of Glasgow, in Scotland.

Yes, Glasgow, The second city of the Empire. The Empire which controlled 1/4 of the entire world. We spread decency, civilisation, knowledge and decency all over the world. And we did it in style, we wore bowler hats and had moustaches, twirled our canes while we tamed the wild world and even in battle, wore red shirts so that our blood wouldn’t get them messy, and we could still look fabulous.(read on, Kenneth, you might learn something)

But the bigger they are, the harder they fall. Our once proud nation has been reduced to knife crime, teen pregnancy and the Jeremy Kyle show. The very things our ancestors tried to prevent in our conquests of Africa and the New World. Our fall from grace, like everything else we do, was the biggest and best in known history. The following videos will show what we were, and what we are now, far more aptly than any amount of my writing.
From our past glory(accompanied by Snow Patrol)
and now,a short video, highlighting the current state of our once proud nation.
This sums up the decline of our nation. What can we do to change our nation from the muddy, slimey little pit it has become, to it’s former might and glory? Well short of letting it die completely, reincarnate as a trashcan robot then somehow be brought back to life with all it’s problems magically solved, I don’t know.

Nintendo’s 3DS launched on Friday March 25 at midnight. The Nintendo loyal were out in force, eager to snap up a headache machine of their very own.

This man doesn’t look like a Club Nintendo member. The look in his eyes says he knows he can’t justify a £200 machine that has a two hour battery life and no games. Or he looks edgy because he’s going to follow one of the early adopters who don’t look as if they can “handle themselves”.

Sorry Gregg, but our money’s on you. Your glare isn’t threatening at all, and your perfectly spherical head and chubby chin only frame a boyishly innocent face. You might be alright if that’s your mum behind you, though. Nobody messes with you when your mum’s about. We can’t get our mum to go to midnight hardware launches with us, and are therefore more prone to being relieved of our expensive new hardware at knife-point. In 3D!

Buying Nintendogs is a sign of weakness and will get you robbed. The killer app for 3DS is Nintendogs, which has cats in it this time round. Golden Retriever and French Bulldog confirmed, cat details pending.

With all this talk of FIGHTING off muggers on the STREET, you’d think a Street Fighter joke would be good. IT WOULD BE SHIT, YOU KNOW NOTHING.

We would pay £400 for these two. Even just to watch. Was in bed by Midnight on Friday, having wanked to sleep to a similar video to the picture above, found on WankDB. Pictures of the wank are available by special request only.