Review: PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale

12Feb

Wow, this might just be my shortest review ever. I don’t even know how I should start it, that’s how short it’s going to be. But you don’t mind, do you? No, of course not. Because you have less to read, and reading is oh-so-painful. Also, no distracting images or jokes this time, only hard-on facts. Heh, I said hard-on.

PlayStation All-Stars has been out since November, but I’ve only gotten my hands onto it since lately. And generally speaking, I’m glad I waited, because I got it for much less than the launch price was. Trust me, sixty bucks is way too much for this. I wouldn’t even consider PS All-Stars a full high-budget game, it’s ridiculous to ask so much money for a title that should be priced like an indie-game, content-wise.

Let’s see, we have twenty different characters. Alright, that’s cool. They don’t all play the same, that’s a plus, and you certainly have to get used to each character seperately. That’s great, that’s what makes good fighting games. However… why would I even want to play this?

This is the question I want to answer in this review. Why would I want to play PlaySation All-Stars Battle Royale?

Not the Arcade Mode, that’s for sure. All you get out of it are two still-image cutscenes and one encounter cutscene for each character. Things you could easily look up on YouTube these days. The final boss is pathetic and sums the game up pretty well: half-assed. That’s how I feel about most of the game, other than the characters and the gameplay themself. Everything seems half-assed. The menu looks cheap, the music has no variety, and there isn’t a lot of stages. That’s okay, the first Smash Bros. didn’t have either… but that game came out in 1999. We have 2013 and this is a fucking Blu-Ray disc we’re talking about, where is the content?! Did they even care? Did they? No, of course they didn’t.

Side-note: What’s up with the blatant marketing for DmC, Metal Gear Rising and Bioshock Infinite? They are not Sony-exclusives! I don’t mind, but why couldn’t they get more third-party franchises to join the fray then? Only the ones that are out now? Sounds fishy. And I don’t like fish. Unless it costs only one pound. Very good and very cheap.

Nope, the unlockables don’t make me want to play either. The costumes are unlocked after about three wins with each character, and there are no characters or stages to unlock of course. Nope. The only other things you will get are symbols you can use as avatars when playing online… Yay question mark?

But then is there a redeeming factor in this game? If it’s fun everything else shouldn’t matter, right? Well, that’s the point… playing against CPUs is not fun at all, and brawling with three other people is mindless as fuck. You will get enjoyment from it for a few fights, but it’s not really worth it… but!

There indeed is something that makes the game fun, and it seems like this is the best way to play: 2v2 matches. Me and BD over there spent so much time kicking the living shit out of other people online together and got our asses kicked as well, it was brilliant. This is what you should expect from the game, this is what made it worth to purchase this pile of garbage.

So while it might not be the prettiest game around at the time, if you want to have some co-op fun with a friend, this game should provide some fun. Should that not be the case, should you not have any friends to play this game with… forget it. Don’t get this game at all. Of course you are free to ignore my warnings, but you will see what I mean… and then there’s no chance to walk away. Cheers!