I've enjoyed this discussion immensely, and I have learned a lot about how the partners of some survivors feel. I just want to take a moment to thank you all. I feel I am almost ready for a long term relationship, and it helps to get your points of view before I take that plunge.

Bryan

_________________________Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs nowIs some new words of wisdomLike la la la la la la la la la.-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

BJKI think when you find that someone you will do wonderful. You have much wisdom and strength. She will be lucky!!

Everyone on this thread

I've been gone and now just reading everyone's posts and some of it makes me smile because of how much we have overcome and some of it makes me hurt inside for how much people have lost, how sad people feel and how much turmoil is around.

After years of mental abuse and confusion I'm in a pretty good place with my husband, but I never know what tomorrow will bring. I've been a loving supportive wife, and I hope it's enough to carry it on for a long time to come.

Peace and total faith in ourselves is what I wish for all of us. I wish I had that complete faith that all will be well and live in the peace of it.

Sorry to barge in on this, but i'd like to mention two things that strike me as i've perused various F&F posts of late- 1) i think it's invaluable to have these perspectives available from those that love us, know us, and yet aren't us. Not to trivialize, but it's similar to seeing what you look like on TV for the first time- so much is familiar, but so many surprises too. The particular survivor in your lives might not always be ready to read what you write, but survivors in general benefit immensely from seeing your side laid bare, as well as stumbling across insights into ourselves that might not present themselves in the context of a therapy session or otherwise.2) on a more personal note, i've only seemed to be involved w/ women who not only had issues of their own to cope with, but who also had the ability to break things off easily once things got too emotionally intense. The level of dedication to the male survivors in your lives has astounded and impressed me to no end (not to say i've never had a nasty, cynical, illogical moment of wondering whether the case has been submitted in a way as to present the F&F poster in the best light possible, but i know that's actually just old baggage making its presence felt). Sometimes i honestly find myself jealous and resentful; i find myself thinking, "i would've given anything to have ever had such strong, giving and courageous women as i see here fall for me..." But upon honest reflection, there probably have been chances that i rejected out of hand, simply because i believed such souls were too good for the likes of me. Anyway, whether your a wife, husband, sister, brother, mother, father or WHATEVER of one of us male survivors... "You can't help someone to their feet, if your own legs are broken"... Whoever you are, or whatever your situation, your rights to sanity, peace and freedom are just as valid as any of we survivors. I'd never claim that any particular set of circumstances is easily comparable to another, but sometimes it's absolutely appropriate to take the best counsel you could give to those you love, and apply it to yourself. Sometimes i re-read older posts of mine that i know were submitted in a relatively healthy state of mind, just to remind myself that i'm capable of positive, healthy thinking now and again... if poor ol' messed-up me can do that, surely you poor souls stuck in the trenches w/ us can find equivalent forms of self-reinforcement! Enough rambling... the point is, from the point of view of a survivor who knows what it's like to both act in a manipulative manner to get what we think we need, and honestly reach out for someone to love and tolerate us, your OWN emotional and mental health is paramount! Thanks to you F&F for all you've done on our behalf, but please NEVER neglect yourself. Otherwise, just like the nursery rhyme, we ALL fall down... or are at least consigned to the fate of the "walking wounded", with secondary victims of the abusers added to the ranks... hope this makes some kind of sense, sorry for butting in.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speakWhispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

Thanks everyone. Sometimes when the thought-valve opens, there's a little bit of "firehose" intensity to it- but i'll do that w/ my own F&F too; stay mum or blandly innocuous for long stretches, then the stuffed internal pressures get too high, and suddenly someone else is being subjected to a stream of intense thoughts and feelings that are, for them, unexpected and hard to process.

At least with text, not only am i forced to consider what it is i'm communicating more carefully (MS should be glad i'm no touch-typist, heh), but also the reader can take their own time to absorb it (although i'm terrible at remembering to go back and format longer posts for readability).

One sign of stress that's hard to see when it's happening, but obvious afterwards, is "mental hopscotch"- one thing reminds me of another, which reminds me of something else, and -hey, did you ever see that movie on TV where.... etc., etc. Of course, something similar happens when i'm creatively inspired, but the emotional base is different; the former is like my mind has stumbled somewhere it doesn't really like, and is whistling nervously in the dark, while the latter is like when a greyhound's given a few square miles of open land to enjoy.

Hey, looky there- not one huge block of text, i remembered! ;-)

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speakWhispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

Hi, everyone, It's the old guy again.During my first session with my therapist, last Friday, we got on the discussion of my feelings to my wife, and if I had discussed my secret to her, and my answer was a deafining NO, not no but hell no. How's our relationship, well... I have a hell of a time telling that I love her, I do but once in a blue moon. Do I give her hugs and kisses, yep.... again once in a blue moon. BUT I always tell my son (35) that I love him, give him a hug and (yep)a kiss, every time that I see him, and the same goes for my two grand kids, every time I see them the same affection. I cannot call my wife"honey", I cannot call my wife "dear", I cannot show any outside affection to her, ie kiss in public, I cannot hold hands with her when walking. I just guess that after we've been abused, sexually & emotionally by a mother or for that matter by a male, we just must be programmed that way. Now I've been "married" for 35 years.

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