I want to tell you a story this morning. The story is true, but the names have been changed of some of the people so that you will focus on the story and not the particular individuals involved. I have full permission to share this story from the two main people involved. This is a hard story to tell because it involves a lady who was Diane’s best friend at the time and because it reveals our own failure.

Why tell the story? There are a couple of reasons. First, we must handle even difficult issues appropriately and Biblically even when that goes against the grain of our society. This story will illustrate how to properly deal with difficult problems and lead into a presentation of what the Bible says we are to do.

Some of the “one anothers” are relatively easy. Commands such as “comfort one another” (1 Thessalonians 4:18), “care for one another” (1 Corinthians 12:25), “serve one another” (Galatians 5:13), “be kind to one another, tenderhearted” (Ephesians 4:32), and “pray for one another” (James 5:16) are concepts that are understandable, fairly simple to carry out, and generally enjoyable to do.

Some of the “one anothers” are a little harder to accomplish such as: “be submissive to one another” (Ephesians 5:21), “in honor prefer one another” (Romans 12:10), “edify (or build up) one another” (Romans 14:13), and “love one another” (John 13:34). These concepts are a little more complex to understand and more difficult to carry out, but they are still things we generally would like to do.

There is one particular “one another” command that is difficult to do because it goes against the thought that life is best when there is no conflict or tension. The truth is that life is best when we walk with the Lord in obedience to His commands whether we like the particulars of our circumstances or not. This one another command causes conflict, can be hard to carry it out correctly, and only the very mature like it when it is practiced on them.

The Difficult One Another

Paul states in Romans 15:14, “And concerning you, my brethren, I myself also am convinced that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge, and able also to admonish one another.”“Admonish one another” is from nouqetew / noutheteo meaning to instruct someone that what they are doing is wrong and warn them against it. Paul gives some of the qualifications here of who should do the admonishing, but is important to point out from the start that this command is not reserved for super saints. The Roman believers were just ordinary Christians doing what ordinary Christians should do. Paul is writing to them because he wanted to impart a spiritual gift to them, to establish them, encourage them and preach the gospel to them (Romans 1:11-15). The things Paul said they should do included being full of goodness, filled with all knowledge, and so be able to admonish one another.

Admonishing one another requires that we talk to others when they fall into what appears to be sin, discern the truth, warn them of the consequences if it is sinful and help them overcome it. Jesus gave instructions about it in Matthew 18:15-17. Admonishment is not a pleasurable thing to do. The other person could get very upset with us. It can be very uncomfortable and unpleasant which is why it is the difficult one another.

Caring Enough to Admonish

The story I am about to tell demonstrates what it means to admonish someone, the difficulty in doing it, and why it is so necessary to do sooner than later.

Before Diane and I were married, she had a best friend from church whom we will call Laura. They were very close to each other. They spent a lot of time studying the Bible together and discussing theology, striving to sharpen each other in their walks with the Lord and praying for each other in depth. They even took their vacations together. They had a Jonathan and David type of relationship.

Laura was one of the people I had to get approved by before Diane would let me court her. Diane did the same thing for Laura when she started to date a fellow we will call George. Laura eventually married George. He was completing his studies at Bible college and was planning on going to seminary where I was studying. Diane and Laura spent a lot of time together and we would also do things together as couples when all four of us could get our busy schedules to match.

It did not take long for marriage problems to develop after George and Laura were married. Diane and Laura would talk about those problems and how the Lord would want her to respond. Laura desired to be a godly wife, and Diane wanted to be prepared for marriage and talking about it was helpful to both. The problems increased until about a year later it culminated in a suicide attempt by George, his threatening to kill Laura after his release from the hospital, and a resulting separation between them. Laura was afraid George would carry out his threat, so Diane stayed with her for several weeks.

Laura and George started seeing a so called “professional Christian Counselor,” and things seemed like they were starting to progress, but Diane started to notice a subtle change in Laura. Diane was living with Laura at the time and noticed that Laura was becoming somewhat evasive. There was a close friend of Laura’s family we will call Steve that was causing Diane some concern. Diane noticed that Laura was acting more like a woman in love when she had been around Steve. When Diane asked her about this, Laura said, “he’s like my brother,” but it still bothered Diane.

During this period Diane was preoccupied with preparing for our wedding and so was not able to pursue Laura though she seemed to be pulling away. Laura was one of Diane’s bridesmaids, and after we got back from our honeymoon, Diane had Laura over for brunch. As they talked, Diane could tell that something was not right between them. Diane suspected it might have something to do with Steve, the man who was supposed to be like a brother to Laura. Diane then did something very difficult. She asked Laura about it directly saying, “You are having a relationship with Steve, aren’t you?” Laura responded, “yes, how did you know?” Diane answered, “because I know you.” Diane went on to ask her about the extent of the involvement and found out that it was romantic, but not sexual. Diane expressed her concern and reminded her that though she was separated from George, she was still married.

Now let me stop the story for a moment and point out that Diane did what was right. Jesus commands us, “and if your brother sins, go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother” (Matthew 18:15). She cared about Laura enough to leave her comfort zone and ask what was going on, then went to the scriptures for direction and warning while assuring Laura of her love. True love will admonish and correct with gentleness and patience (Colossians 3:12). Psalm 51 shows that the problem of mankind is sin and his failure to deal with it according to God’s plan. The lack of admonishing one another is the first and probably most widespread failure of the church in dealing with sin among those in its fellowship. It is a major reason why the church in America is so weak.

Diane was persistent in her admonition of Laura for being in a relationship with Steve even though she was still married to George. However, Laura had latched onto an excuse provided by her “professional Christian Counselor” that she had grounds for an annulment. This was Laura’s way out of her current marriage to pursue the happiness she thought she could get from Steve. Laura told Diane that her relationship with Steve was pure and that her counselor knew all about it, but it was just too early for anyone else to know.

From this point on, Diane had a horrible feeling that something was terribly wrong, but she was confused. Laura had not committed adultery, her “Professional Christian Counselor” was aware of the situation and said Laura had grounds for an annulment. For five months Diane would ask Laura about the situation and when she would reveal the truth to others such as her brother, who was also her pastor and the man who had discipled Steve. Laura did not like to be asked those questions, so the relationship between Diane and Laura became strained. Finally, Diane realized that Laura had not only become distant, but her character had changed. She was evasive, deceptive, defensive and hard. She was not the same person Diane had known. It grieved Diane very much because she felt she was losing her best friend. Diane felt a heaviness that she was somehow responsible because she was the only that knew that something was wrong with Laura’s life. She kept asking Laura, “if your relationship is pure and right before God as you claim, then why are you hiding it.” Laura answered “it would not be good for them to know yet, it is too soon, they will not understand.” Laura said she would tell them at the proper time.

Several months later Diane felt that she had to do something. She finally told me and asked how she should deal with it. Laura would view this as breaking a confidence since she did not want anyone else to know. Because I was not emotionally involved, it was easy to see the issues clearly without bias. I spent several days examining Laura’s claims and researching her supposed basis for a marriage annulment, but I could find absolutely no Biblical support for her dissolving her marriage with George, nor did her claims match what I had personally observed in her life. Her counselor turned out to be more psychologist than Christian. I wrote Laura a long letter concerning this and told Diane to press Laura to tell her brother, who was also her and Steve’s pastor. When Laura heard this she turned on Diane and accused her of all sorts of things blaming Diane for everything and then walked out. Diane was crying over the confrontation, but Laura was hard.

I called Laura and told her that if she did not tell her pastor, then I would. I was also accused of many things, but the issues were clear. Laura was involved in an illicit relationship and was in sin. Those who were supposed to be guiding her spiritually could not do so if they did not know the truth.

After Laura’s brother found out, there was a lot of talk between the families and the various pastors that were involved. Laura said she wanted to do what was right, however, her relationship with Steve had become so important to her that she proceeded with the divorce and then secretly married him even though she knew that would result in Church Discipline. Laura was so self deceived that even when the final step of church discipline was about to be carried out and she would be disfellowshiped from two different churches, she would not repent. She told Diane that she felt it was worth it to give up church, friends and family to pursue the happiness she thought she would gain. The final steps of church discipline were carried out and Laura did lose her relationships in two churches, her personal friends, and her family relationships. We told Laura that we would adhere to the disfellowship. Diane’s heart was broken over it all, but it was all done out of love for Laura. Proverbs 27:6 says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.” Diane was that faithful friend who risked herself in trying to help Laura see the truth even if Laura did not like the truth. Diane continued to pray.

Diane had admonished Laura and had been persistent in it, but it took her many months to overcome what is the second major failure of the church in dealing with sin. The failure to involve more people in confronting the person stuck in sin. This is the second step Jesus told us to make in Matthew 18:16-17. “But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and tax-gatherer.” It is hard enough to confront someone alone and admonish them in private, but the idea of bringing other people into it can be even more frightening. Some are like Diane was. Confused about what is right and wrong. Something seems wrong, but there is uncertainty. Others think that it would be unloving to expose another person’s sin. They fear the person might get angry and just go away. It seems more loving to just continue to try to be friends with them and hope that our goodness rubs off on them.

Church discipline is not a subject people like to talk about. It makes them feel uneasy and many think it is cold and perhaps vengeful. Yet, it is actually the natural outworking of true love. I know there are those that say that church discipline is not worth it. They will cite the fact that Laura did not turn from her sin and that a lot of people got hurt, therefore, why bother to practice it? They would even cite this story as proof that it doesn’t do any good.

Whether admonishing one another does any good depends on your definition of good. If you use the most common one that everything works out well and no one is upset or has hurt feelings, then confronting sin will very rarely be good. To confront someone is to risk making people upset, hurt feelings and having them break their relationship with you. But true goodness is that which reflects God. It is good to obey God’s commands and follow His principles and precepts regardless of how other people respond to it.

With this as a background, let us now briefly look at the purposes and practice of church discipline.

The Purposes of Church Discipline.

Reconciliation & Restoration. The major purpose for church discipline is reconciliation and restoration (Matthew 18:15, Galatians 6:1). Sin brings a breakage in the relationship between people and with God. Reconciliation refers to the exchange of enmity for friendship. If a person is sinned against or sins against someone else, Scripture directs that person to seek to reconcile the relationships affected by that sin (Matthew 5:23,24; 18:15). If we find our brother overcome by sin, Scripture directs us to try and restore that person. We reprove him in the effort to win him back and restore him to the place he was before he was caught in sin (Galatians 6:1). This purpose should be the driving force behind our pursuit of church discipline, and it should temper our attitudes and actions. However, there are other purposes.

Teaching. Discipline is part of the teaching process that God uses to bring us to spiritual maturity (see Hebrews 12:5-13). The rebuke, admonishment and exhortation given to the individual is for the purpose of teaching him or her about God and how He wants us to live (See 2 Timothy 3:16,17; 4:2, 1 Thessalonians 5:14, etc.). Titus 1:13 tells us that this is so that they may be “sound in the faith.”

Conviction of Sin. Similar to the idea of teaching idea but more pointed is bringing about the conviction of sin. This is the first step needed to reach reconciliation. The idea of “reprove” elegcw / elego in Matthew 18:15 carries the idea of “convict,” “expose,” “lay bare” that person’s sin.

Cause Repentance. This is also necessary for reconciliation and restoration. 2 Thessalonians 3:14 indicates discipline is used to “put to shame” the person in sin. “Shame” entrepw /entrepo also carries the idea of “to turn about.” James 5:19-20 talks about correcting error and turning a sinner from the error of his ways. Becoming aware that the actions, thoughts or attitudes are against God’s commands is not enough. There must also be conviction of sin and then turning from it, i.e., repentance. Paul’s discipline against some that were in the Corinthian church led to godly repentance (2 Corinthians 7:8-13).

Identify those who are disobedient. In 2 Thessalonians 3:14 Paul says to “mark” or “take special note of” those who are disobedient to his instructions and not associate with them. In Romans 16:17 Paul tells them to keep their eyes on those who cause dissensions and hindrances contrary to the teaching they had learned and turn away from them. Those who continue in sin must be identified so that the danger they present can be avoided.

Warning the Church from sin. Part of Paul’s exhortations in 1 Corinthians 5 against what was going on in the Corinthian church was their complacency with sin. Their continued association with those that claimed to be “brothers” but were not living as true Christians was leavening that church. The warning is against sin entering into the lives of the Christians because of the complacency and even haughtiness of tolerating the sin and accepting the sinner. The Corinthians even boasted about it. This is a severe danger in our own time when tolerance has been redefined as acceptance and elevated to be the supreme moral virtue.

Removal of the unrepentant. Several passages mention the removal of those unwilling to turn from their sins.

Matthew 18:17 concludes, “let him be to you as a Gentile and tax-gatherer.” This means that he is to no longer be treated as a Christian brother, but as a resistant non-Christian who needs to be evangelized. The concept of “Gentile and tax-gatherer” should not lead us to ostracize or shun the person, as some churches do, for that would not fit the context of the passage or the teachings of Christ concerning the Gentiles. However, it is a separation in which “fellowship” ceases because the common ground of obedience to God has ended. Gentiles and tax-gatherers were considered outsiders to the Jewish community, and they were also treated in a manner that reminded them of this.

In 1 Corinthians 5 Paul said the immoral man should be removed from their midst (v. 2) and that he had already delivered up the immoral man to Satan (v. 5), and he finishes by commanding, “Remove the wicked man from among you” (v. 13).

In 2 Thessalonians 3:6 Paul commands that they “keep aloof from every brother who leads an unruly life and not according to the tradition which you have received from us.” “Keep aloof” stellw / stello means to “remove one’s self from,” “to abstain from familiar intercourse with one.” Paul adds in verse 17 not only to mark the individual who is disobedient, but also to “not associate with him.”

Paul says in Titus 3:10,11, “Reject a factious man after a first and second warning, 11knowing that such a man is perverted and is sinning, being self-condemned.”

Promote proper fear of God. The case of Annanias and Saphira in Acts 5 can be used as an example to show that when God disciplines the result is a proper fear of Him. The lack of fear of God has perverted the gospel in our own time presenting God as a doting grandfather or all accepting friend instead of the holy Creator who will judge the world in righteousness. It should be understood that the Church is an instrument used by God in disciplining His people.

The Practice of Church Discipline

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The steps of church discipline are outlined in Matthew 18:15-17. Galatians 6:1-4 can be considered a more detailed outline of the first step. These steps simply described are:

An individual thought to be in sin is confronted in a spirit of gentleness by another Christian with the goal of reconciliation and restoration. If the individual repents, then it goes no farther and no one else needs to know. If individual does not listen, then step 2.

The individual thought to be in sin is confronted by two or three other Christians with the goal of A) establishing the facts and B) reconciliation and restoration. The facts must be established first, because the person may not be in sin. It could be a misunderstanding or the application of a personal standard instead the standard of Scripture. It is probably wise to include church leaders at this step since you want the most godly people available involved (Galatians 6:1). If the individual is in sin and repents, then it goes no farther and no one else needs to know. If the individual is in sin and does not repent or refuses to listen, then proceed to Step 3.

The Church is told of the individual and the church seeks to bring them reconciliation and restoration. From a practical standpoint of proceeding through these steps in an orderly manner, it may be wise that in this step that the Elders of the church are informed first in order to let them try to bring the individual to repentance. The manner of telling the church should be cautious. It is a time for the church to mourn that one of their members is caught in sin and then with pure hearts to seek after that one. The proper attitude is described well in 2 Timothy 2:25-26, “with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth, 26 and they may come to their senses [and escape] from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will.” If the individual still does not listen, then step 4.

The individual is disfellowshiped. He or she is to be treated as a Gentile and tax-gatherer. This is done with mourning, but also with a firmness of being true to Scripture. The congregation is instructed that their relationship to the unrepentant individual is now changed. The profession of faith must be considered to be false and the individual can no longer participate in the fellowship of the Christian community. Paul described this in 1 Corinthians 5:5 as delivering the person over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh that their spirit may be saved. There is still hope of repentance, but it will be through a rough future of God’s chastening (Hebrews 12:4-11). It appears that the Corinthian man that was admonished did repent (2 Corinthians 2).

At this stage of church discipline, its other purposes such as identification of disobedience, keeping the church from sin and removal of the individual becomes the priority.

It should be noted that church discipline that goes beyond step one does so because of the refusal of the one in sin to repent. True repentance, which is described well in David’s confession in Psalm 51, brings about reconciliation and restoration. The issue is the individual’s willingness to repent and seriously deal with their sin and not necessarily how well they are doing at having victory over their sin. Remember that we admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak and be patient with all men (1 Thessalonians 5:14).

An appropriate amount of time is given to allow the individual to come to repentance. While the first and second steps are done rather quickly, the third and fourth steps are not rushed, but neither are they allowed to drag on. It should also be pointed out that when sin is already public knowledge, it must be dealt with publicly – cf. 1 Corinthians 5.

These are not things that I came up with on my own; they are what the Bible clearly teaches. Other godly men have made the same conclusions.

Vernon McGee said, “There are some people who like to smother trouble and cover it up. This is not the way the Lord tells us to handle it. If there is a problem between two believers, it should be worked out in an amiable, peaceful and quiet manner. If the individuals can’t work it out – take it to a group. If the group can’t work it out – take it to the church as the final authority.”

J.P. Lange in the Biblical Illustrator said that church discipline is necessary. “The Gospel cannot be preserved without salt; nor fraternal love without frankness; nor a particular church without discipline; nor the church as a whole without the spirit of discipline.”

Ridderbos in his commentary said, “Confrontation with the Church as a whole makes the sinner’s predicament much graver and increases his accountability. If he still stubbornly refuses to repent, there is not further recourse; and each member of the church must treat him as a ‘pagan or a tax collector.’ He can no longer be considered an heir of the Kingdom, and he therefore cannot be counted as a member of the church.” (“This does not mean an expression of contempt – but an acknowledgment that such a person is living apart from God and the church.”)

A Sinner Restored

Let me conclude the story about Laura. Many months later, Laura called Diane and asked her to pray for her. Laura realized that something was wrong and that she could not even pray. Laura had deceived herself into thinking that she was right before God, but God was using the process of Church Discipline to challenge that deception. The loss of her relationships with the church, friends and family caused her to start reevaluating her actions. She asked Diane to pray for her for the conviction of sin. Laura wanted to do what was right, but was still very confused about it. Diane continued to pray.

A few months after that Laura called Diane again and said that she realized that what she had done was wrong, but that Steve, her new husband, had not yet turned. Diane could tell there was some degree of change. Laura asked Diane to pray for Steve. Diane continued to pray.

Some months after that Laura put herself back under the authority of her brother’s church and began the process of becoming restored to fellowship. Diane invited Laura over, and Laura said that she realized that she had sinned and that she regretted it. But she would not discuss it or ask forgiveness from those she had offended. There was still some hardness.

About four months later, Laura came over again. This time it was the friend that Diane had thought she had lost. Laura asked for forgiveness for treating Diane as she had and she was willing to talk about it. Laura was finally broken over her sin as Psalm 51 describes. Diane and Laura shared their first good cry together in about 2 years.

The step of church discipline that Diane had longed for from the very first time she admonished Laura could finally take place. There was reconciliation and restoration.

Conclusion

Admonishment is the “difficult one another,” but it is an act of selfless love for the other person. God has instructed us in His word on how to properly admonish others in the effort to turn people away from sin and bring about reconciliation and restoration. Do you love others enough to get out of your comfort zone to do it? Diane did.

Laura demonstrated the fruits of repentance and was restored to the fellowship at both of the churches she was involved in. She said that one of the key things she learned though all of this was the importance of confronting sin quickly because when it is allowed to go on for a long time, you become hard and no longer listen to God’s voice. How much heartache could have been avoided if she had listened early and turned instead of becoming hard.

Let me close with this thought as we prepare to partake of the Lord’s Table, Jesus came to earth to provide eternal salvation to those who will put their faith in Him. But salvation cannot come to a person who will not deal with their sin. That is why we see Jesus consistently prodding people about their sinfulness and why one of the ministries of the Holy Spirit is to convict people concerning their sin (John 16:9). If you are not a Christian and the Holy Spirit is working on your heart, then today is the day to confess your sins to God and ask Him for forgiveness based on what Jesus Christ has done for you on the Cross of Calvary. If you are a Christian and the Holy Spirit is prodding you about some sin, then confess that now and repent from whatever it is. Then you will be properly prepared for Communion. Don’t wait until you have to be admonished.

1 Corinthians 11:28 warns us to examine ourselves before partaking of Communion and we will give you an opportunity to do that in just a few moments. We do not want to be overcome by sin.

KIDS CORNER

Parents, you are responsible to apply God’s Word to your children’s lives. Here is some help. Young Children – draw a picture about something you hear during the sermon. Explain your picture(s) to your parents at lunch. Older Children – 1) Count how many times the words “admonish” is mentioned. Write down the other words used to describe talking to someone about their sin. 2) Talk with your parents about the importance of repentance from sin and what that means.

THINK ABOUT IT!

Questions to consider in discussing the sermon with others. What is the importance of the “one another” commands in Scripture and what is their relationship to the church being the body of Christ? What are some of the “one another” commands that are relatively easy to carry out and why? What are some of the “one another” commands that are not so easy to carry out and why? What “one another” commands are difficult for you to carry out and why? What does it mean to admonish someone? What is required to carry it out Biblically? Have you ever had to admonish another Christian who was in sin? How did you do it and what was the outcome? What could you have done better? What is the relationship between church discipline and Christian love? What defines what is truly good? Explain each of the following purposes of church discipline: A. Reconciliation & Restoration; B. Teaching; C. Conviction of Sin; D. Cause Repentance; E. Identify those who are disobedient; F. Warning the Church from sin; G. Removal of the unrepentant; H. Promote proper fear of God. Explain the four steps of Church discipline from Matthew 18:15-17. What is the goal of the first three steps of discipline? What is the goal in the last step? What is the attitude that should be displayed in each step. How can stop the process of Church discipline and what causes the next step to be taken? How do we know when to admonish, when to encourage and when to help? Have you ever been personally involved in carrying out Church discipline? Did you follow the Biblical steps? What would you do if you discovered another believer to be in sin? What would you want done if you were stuck in sin?