This is so sad to write. You know we don’t usually like talking about league scandals just for the sake of it, but there’s an elephant in the room, and it’s named Joel Monaghan. Seems like Monas is leaving the NRL in the ickiest of circumstances, doing for the word “simulated” what Nate Myles did for “defecated”. All we can say is when we met him, Monas seemed like a genuinely good-hearted, hilarious guy and we think it was the most selfless and dignified option to think of his club instead of himself and leave the Raiders.

We’re getting John John to send him a good luck basket of gerberas and balloons and kisses from us all. And another one for T.Camps because God knows those two live in each others’ pockets like Kiki and I do.

And for everyone who keeps googling the story, you won’t find it here. Seriously. Not kidding. If we weren’t gonna post the infamous Wang Dance video, we weren’t gonna post this.

And the worst thing is, we can’t even distract you with posts about the game between PNG and the Poms on the weekend because we missed it. In our defence, THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS WAS ON TV! Only one of the greatest films ever made, starring our idol Dolly Parton and that hairy-chested dreamboat Burt Reynolds. If you haven’t watched a whole Texan gridiron team linedance semi-naked or sing in a steam-room about seeing hookers, you haven’t lived.

Thank me later, y’all.

What we can do is give you a quick round-up of what Australia and New Zealand have been doing during and after their clash on Saturday night. Frank-Paul Nuuausala has discovered the joys of millinery:

And Flossy Nightingale … is still flossy.

Pics. Getty Images

The Kiwis debuted a slightly rusty club 12″ extended mix of the Haka to mixed reviews, Greg Bird continued to provide some of the mist hilarious facial expressions in rugby league history, Billy Slater and Tom Learoyd-Lahrs grew kick-ass mos, New Zealand foxed their way into a loss, and the fact that Brent Tate and Willie Tonga are the Australian centres continued to cause arguments in Errol HQ. At one point Work Experience Boy Lachie threw his jam bagel down in disgust and told us our constant arguing made him get distracted and miss Packed to the Rafters.

You will all be SHOCKED to know that the Errol girls weren’t invited to any marquees for Melbourne Cup this year. No Birdcage, no Emirates VIP section, no Myer tent. Nothing. We were invited to the Maroubra Bay Hotel for their special day via SMS, but were sadly unable to attend. Apparently Rob ‘Millsy’ Mills is good enough for Flemington but we aren’t. And that pretty much sums up our lives.

Luckily, we … um, well we kind of don’t like the races. We want to like the races: all the mental images of gorgeous men in grey morning suits buying you champagne and sitting on white wrought iron furniture, maybe horrifying some of the more traditional and genteel folk by wearing a skirt above the knee.

Our eternal thanks to the Daily Telegraph and their intrepid photographers for bringing this photo to the world.

But the reality … not quite so charming. It’s all bogans in flammable suits and Oakleys and walking spray tans getting their heels wedged in the grass. Why would we overpay to go to the races in the middle of the day when we could just get pissed with bogans at the greyhound races, after dark, on solid cement ground, wearing whatever we want?

It makes no sense! It’s nonsense!

We do have one thing to thank the horse races for: they invited the Australian Kangaroos to the drawing of the barriers and it was the few moments in the whole of this four nations tournament to make us smile (apart from Bodene Thompson in general, rrrrawr).

If you can look at Cameron Smith playing a horse-riding video game and not laugh, then you may well be dead inside.

Isn’t it sweet that, since he never actually made it as a jockey, they let Billy Slater hold the fancy-schmancy number hats? HE LOOKS SO HAPPY.

Although, on second thoughts, it’s possible that it doesn’t take much at all to make Billy Slater happy. He also looks happy while crushing England’s spirits:

Catching footballs:

AND playing water polo like a joyful spaniel:

In fact, the only thing he doesn’t look happy doing is practising his Broadway high kicks. This is not a surprise, because high kicks are serious goddamn business. You mess that up? Someone loses an eye. YOU WANNA END UP WEARING AN EYE-PATCH, KIDS? DO YA?

Wait, what was my point? I got all distracted doing a kick-ball-change holding an imaginary tophat.

I think it was that the Four Nations game between the Kangas and England was straight up depressing, despite Tom Learoyd-Lahrs sporting a hilarious 90s Backstreet Boy-esque moustache. And it wasn’t just because of rain-related fumbles or the completely INSANE video ref decisions, or even the fact that we all knew Australia was going to smash it in. This poor little English backs had nothin’ against the Australians.

(Wonder if England ever stops and despairs that every time they invent a sport and export it to the colonies, the colonials end up being better at it.)

It’s just not fun seeing Australia play that far below their best. It’s not a spectacle, is it? There was a decided lack of magic. And Luke Lewis played out of his skin but that doesn’t help us now he’s injured. All we have left is Fierce Bitch Cooper Cronk, who also got some shit done on Sunday night.

ALL HAIL HIS FIERCENESS.

And if you’re feeling a little tipsy, tired, or just plain blue, we would like to recommend you head over to the England Rugby League site and watch their video summary of the four nations team hosting a skills and drill day for schoolkids in Eden Park in New Zealand.

Tony Clubb saying “I’m still young” when he is clearly 45 in human years? Every man and his dog making fun of Luke Robinson for being tiny like a tiny teddy? Sam Burgess getting squirted in the ear with water by what I’m 99% sure is Robbie Farah? IT’S CHAMPAGNE TELEVISION.

If there’s one thing we all know it’s that Errol loves to give. So while you were all busy casting your votes in the 2010 Oh Errol Awards and doing other important things like matching up the tops and bottoms of your tupperware, I selflessly watched two games of footy on Saturday night and scribbled notes in crayon on the back of a Grazia magazine so I could recap it for you.

Generous, huh? Because God knows it’s a massive chore for a loser like me to spend a Saturday night at home snuggled in a couch-fort watching two warm-up games for the Four Nations. Massive. Chore.

It all started with some highs and some lows when the Maori took on England. By ‘highs’ I mean ‘Bodene Thompson with no shirt on’ and ‘seeing men with rosy cheeks performing a brilliant Haka’.

Pic. Getty Images

I just really love the Haka, k? It might be cause I’m a rootless (mostly)-white Australian with no cultural references but it makes me all goosebumpy. I may have even said ‘COOL’ out loud watching it, like I do when I watch the movie Transformers and the evil Transformer is leaping out of the sand at Josh Duhamel.

And after watching the Samoan team’s war-dance I can tell you that is also INTENSE. If this is the kinda stuff they teach you in Polynesian Pathways then they should make that shit mandatory for every school.

On the other hand, by ‘lows’ clearly I mean ‘Sassy’s beloved Adrian Morley injuring his arm and therefore ruining England’s chances of winning anything ever’. Moz is a good luck charm, like a Leprechaun, and his injury is the equivalent of a Gypsy curse. If I were England I’d just go home now, maybe stop off in Fiji on the way home for a mini-break. I hear it’s lovely in October.

By ‘lows’, I also mean ‘the football’.

As for the second game, when New Zealand took on Samoa, I decided to try something new. I actually sat down and transcribed the notes I wrote down during the game for your enjoyment. Think of it as an exciting/confronting journey into my tiny, tiny brain.

To answer your question: if you suggested that this is just a really transparent attempt to post random sentences instead of bothering to write a post, then yes, you would be RIGHT. Whatever. It’s my blog.

So according to the piece of paper I found on my coffee table, this is what I was thinking while New Zealand played Samoa:

what up babes in dresses singing the anthem

samoa are TERRIFYING.

srsly that’s an electric atmosphere. I think I have goosebumps

issac luke is amazing.

manu is loving life.

is greg eastwood wearing capri pants?

man that was a great run from iosefa, samoa are on fire. shit could get real.

okay maybe not. poss. bloodbath.

so many giant humans!

that solomona flick pass behind was like wow

nz keep playing the RHS. skd and flossy together = hello amazing.

I like storm players a lot more when they play for nz.

OOH jez smith wants a fight. he can bodyslam me anytime.

don’t samoa love an offload? they’re like the warriors.

so there’s 1 winterstein for samoa and 1 winterstein for the maori? life is confusing.

iosefa great in attack. manu amazing in defence.

“… an endless supply of samoans” really Sky commentary team?

OMG DOUBLE TRY FOR SKD! poor defence samoa, but still amazing hustle. love you pinkman! he’s a winter I think. the chooks uniform looks shit on him but he looks good in black.

lolol are they playing ‘slice of heaven?’ awesome.

man there is some shit discipline and handling errors out there.

FLOSSY SCORED A TRY! are they doing this just for us? I think they are. meanwhile that was an awesome chest-pass from skd. netball skills are life skills.

omg ruben wiki’s trainer outfit includes one long sock and a visor and a mop of curly hair. I love him like christmas.

halftime entertainment is … confronting. is that a giant man shimmying with a flag?

now I can’t stop singing xzibit songs whenever I see adam blair

great try: leuluai, marshall, skd back to leuluai.tony iro is loving life.

nz look like they are loving attacking. it’s beautiful. TRY TO THE BEAST woot woot his fierceness also makes a conversion happen.

“I WASN’T A FAN OF ENGLISH FISH WHEN I LIVED IN YORKSHIRE” … really guys? really? I’m too hungover to put up with this fuckery right now.

Kia ora, friends! We have to take a quick diversion from the Errol Awards week, because your prayers have been answered. No more must we suffer through the weekend without footy. Tomorrow night we get not one, but two preparation games for the Four Nations tournament.

TRY TO CONTROL YOUR EXCITEMENT SAM.

First up, New Zealand Maori play England, in what should be a victory for lovely skin, if not for rugby league excellence. What up, Sam Burgess and Kevin Locke! Two things are making me weep for joy at the prospect of this match, and the first one is Adrian Morley as English captain. I don’t care what you say about age and being over the hill and penalties. DON’T CARE. He was a Rooster, and a menace, and I will love him always. I have a weakness for terrifying forwards who occasionally (read: often) start dumb fights and throwdown. It shows they care. I hope the Roosters fan with the ‘ON MY SIGNAL: UNLEASH MORLEY’ sign has repurposed it to use at the Four Nations.

Basic principles: the way you do it in training is the way you’ll do it on the field. Right? Right. For all we know Ruben Wiki’s out there hustling right now to get the team an endorsement deal from Rio and it’s the perfect way to show off their wares. Probably not Bodene ‘tighty whities’ Thompson, though. He’s clearly more of a Best’n’Less man.

OH YEAH, I WENT THERE ISSAC LUKE. I MADE A JOKE ABOUT HIS UNDIES.

At least Winterstein thinks I’m funny.

And when we realised New Zealand were playing Samoa, we realised we have a problem. Again. The same problem we had last year during the four nations. And in 2008 during the World Cup. Our logic tells us we should be supporting the Kangaroos, but dammit if we don’t just really really like New Zealand. They’re charming, and adorable. A large part of it is probably that most of our favourite Roosters at Errol HQ have been named in the team, and the infinitely hilarious Jason Nightingale. This team is going to be tough, trust us. In no way would we be surprised by another Kiwi tournament win.

You can’t argue with a team that has Ruben Wiki as a trainer and spirit guide. You also can’t argue with a team that has Adam Blair and Jeremy Smith in the forwards and Flossy Nightingale playing with Shaun ‘Two Dads’ Kenny-Dowall (TM This Week in League).

Is it normal for halves to have trouble tying their own boots?

So maybe we have doubts about Leuluai in the halves, but whatevs. They have Uncle Wayne advising Stephen Kearney, we just trust in Uncle Wayne.

Cen you feel the love tonight?

More importantly, they score really highly on the Errol scale of team mojo. Our theory is simple: teams that are in man-love win footy games. Examples include the Dragons 2009-2010, the Roosters 2010, and the Tigers in 2005 and 2010. If you want to be winners, you gotta push out the jive and bring in the love, and apparently this team is ridiculously good at that. We like to think it’s all thanks to Frank-Paul Nuuausala, variously known as Frank-Paul the wrecking ball, Frank-Paul the photo whore, and Frank-Paul Nuuauposer. Were we slightly drunk when we made these up? Maybe we were.

The many faces of Frank-Paul: Tough, Coy, Sexy, and Faaaabulous.

Now put your hand on your heart and tell us you won’t be cheering for the Kiwis too.