Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Colons Need To Be Tougher Than This

I need to
make everyone aware of a potentially explosive situation before it gets totally
out of control.A man in Virginia has
been awarded $500,000 in a lawsuit because he was insulted by the medical staff
during his colonoscopy.

I am not
making this up.Somehow he recorded the derisive
comments while he was sedated. These bored colonoscopy professionals reportedly
made insensitive and mocking remarks during the procedure.The man sued them and the jury awarded him
the cash on four separate counts.

This is
alarming and I strongly disagree with the verdict.Because in effect, wasn’t it the man’s colon
that was truly being insulted?Therefore,
I contend it was really his colon taking the legal action and it was his colon,
that was awarded the money.

Our culture
has become overly sensitive and gets offended by everything and anything.We have become a nation with the emotional
maturity of a whiny three-year-old. And now even our colons are getting
offended and bringing lawsuits.This
must stop now.

I do not
want an overly sensitive colon.I do not
want it to get annoyed at the mildest irritation.I do not want it to go into convulsions if
offended.I want a tough colon, a colon
that can withstand the worst aggravations and insults and still operate at peak
performance.I want a colon that can
literally take it in – and then dish it back out (the other end, of course).I guess what I really want is a Donald
Trump-like colon, but with better hair.

If we permit
our colons to be overly sensitive and then hire lawyers to bring big lawsuits,
then I personally am in big trouble.I
fear my colon would immediately sue me and my hemorrhoids of course would join
in on the lawsuit.I would hate to have
to testify during this trial:

Colon’s
attorney: Mr. Ake, was your colon if fact spastic on the morning of October 3?

Me: I
believe that might be correct

Colon’s
attorney: Would you like to explain to the jury what caused this?

Me: I don’t
recall

Colon’s
attorney: On the evening of October 2, did you not dine at El Sheetzafirro
Mexican restaurant with your friend Tim and three other guys?

Me: I may
have.

Colon’s
attorney: And did you not order the Fuego Loco, 5-alarm burrito, with a side of
sriracha sauce?

Me: I might
have ordered something like that, but I was hungry.

Colon’s
attorney: And did you not in fact comment after ordering, “I’m going to have
fire shooting out my a$$ tomorrow!”

Me: I was
just trying to impress the rest of the guys.I was the oldest and as a middle-aged man it is important to try to
prove I still got it.

Colon’s
attorney: And what happened the follow morning?

Me: ^^^^^…. (unintelligible)

Colon’s
attorney: Louder, so the jury can hear Mr. Ake.

Me: Fire
came shooting out my a$$.

Colon’s
attorney: Yes, it did. So much so, that smoke actually rose out the commode,
did it not?

Me: Maybe
just a few puffs.

Jury: GASP!

Colon’s
attorney:And it was as that point that
your colon went spastic to discharge the burrito and stop the burning
sensation. Isn’t that true? Mr. Ake.

Me:Yes, but it fully recovered after a few days.

Hemorrhoids
attorney: Let’s move on to your hemorrhoids, Mr. Ake, because that’s where the
scorching hot burrito ended up next.

Me: Let’s
not

Hemorrhoid’s
attorney: And when the burrito was finally expunged from your nether regions,
did it not cause intense inflammation and swelling of your hemorrhoids.

Me: Yes, it
did, but I immediately went to the store to buy some medication to care for
them. I don’t neglect my health!

Hemorrhoid’s
attorney:Your Honor, I would like to
enter Exhibit 1 into the record.This is
a copy of the receipt from the drug store on October 3.

As we can plainly
see, the defendant did not purchase the high quality, highly effective, leading
brand of hemorrhoid ointment.No, in
fact, you choose to buy the “Generic Anal Balm”?

Me: Yes, I
was just trying to save some money.

Hemorrhoid’s
attorney:And exactly how much money did
you save

Me: >>>>> ……. (unintelligible)

Hemorrhoid’s
attorney: LOUDER, WE CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me:
Sixty-two cents

Hemorrhoid’s
attorney:Sixty-two cents! That’s right,
you saved a measly sixty-two cents by buying the inexpensive junk! You cheap
bastard! Your hemorrhoids are on fire
and this is how you treat them. And how
well did this generic anal balm work?

Me: Not very
well.My hemorrhoids were still very
irritated.

Hemorrhoid’s
attorney: So what did you do next?

Me: >>>>> ……. (unintelligible)

Hemorrhoid’s
attorney: WHAT DID YOU DO MR. AKE? WHAT DID YOU DO?

Me: I scratched
them

Jury:
GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hemorrhoid’s
attorney: HE SCATCHED THEM! HE SCRATCHED THEM!JUST WHAT TYPE OF A MONSTER ARE YOU?

Courtroom:
RABLE, RABLE, RABLE!

Judge:
ORDER, ORDER!

Colon’s
attorney: I now want to enter Exhibit 2 into the record.These are images of Mr. Ake’s recent
colonoscopy.

Me: (to my
attorney) Aren’t you going to object?

My attorney:
Heck no, I want see this! I think everyone wants to get a look at these.

Back to Reality

Trust me, no
one wants to see that. And this is why colons and other body parts should not
be allowed to sue people.Everyone in
our society needs to be less sensitive about being offended by stupid stuff and
toughen up.

But
seriously, you do need to have your periodic colonoscopy.And it is also probably wise to treat your
colon with some respect.