Struggling

While I would love nothing more than to blog about food, the books I’ve read (I’ve managed to finish reading Jojo Moyes’ Me Before You! Hurray me!), the places Alan and I have been to eat, the musicals I’ve seen, it feels a bit self-indulgent. My father is still very ill and I feel that any enjoyment I feel about my life here is not allowed. He would say otherwise of course, because he has always said that I should live my life, that I should live the life I dreamed. But I cannot help but feel selfish.

I will write properly because to write about them would be honouring my father’s wishes. But right now I will allow myself to worry about him. Tomorrow is Sunday and Skype day. I will be able to chat with them and see all of them.

There are days when my grip on my faith is loosed by doubt. Why is my Abba still ill? Why is God letting him go through all this pain? But then I am reminded that these are questions that I mustn’t really ask. Because the God I believe in does not want His children to suffer. The God I believe in will turn a bad situation into a good one. The God I believe in is the God that heals. The God I believe in is a God who will take His children in His arms and comfort them. I know that I cannot understand my God’s wisdom because that is beyond my understanding. I must trust in His plan.