Lycanthropy Lunar Phase Tracker

Zombie Outbreak in Texas!!!

Hail Survivors!

I recently received a very grave -no pun intended- warning from Survivor Miles who I believe may be located in or near Texas. Survivor Miles recently survived a vicious zombie attack, armed with only his wits and hedge clippers. His parents unfortunately were not so lucky.

Brains in Your Tomato Sauce? Dangerous Zombie Food Mixup

A lunch-making mom in England was horrified to discover brains in her tomato sauce this week.

Are there brains in your tomato sauce?

Horrified mom Julleen Marter – who is neither a zombie nor a cannibal (yet) – was making lunch for her three kids – none of whom are zombies or cannibals either (yet) – when she noticed a horrible black ooze in the tomato sauce pouring into the pan.

Closer inspection revealed a 10 cm brain at the bottom of the box of tomato sauce.

Further the brains were not marked as an ingredient on the box.

“I don’t want compensation,” stated the concerned mother. “I just feel that this has become a public health issue.”

Rightly so! It appears the tomato sauce was not properly marked with a “Z” or an “HFZ” designation to designate it as a snack for Zombies or High Functioning Zombie zombies. How, you ask, could any safety-conscious company be stocking their shelves with unmarked zombie food?

When I asked the Lidl corporation this by email this week, they replied simply that all of their products comply with Environmental Health and Trading Standard, so presumably if the EHTS demanded proper labelling of zombie foods, this kind of mix-up would not happen again.

That’s why SOS is urging survivors to help by contacting Environmental Health and Trading Standards this week by email at wrsenquiries(at)worcregservices.gov.uk. You can make it clear that while you are not against the production and distribution of food for High Functioning Zombies, you are nonetheless concerned about the possibility of further mixups without more stringent labelling of zombie vs non-zombie foods.

What should you do if you find brains in your food?

Meanwhile, what should you do if you find a brain in your tomato sauce? Or porridge or soup?

What To Do If You Find Brains in Your Food:

1. Have you eaten any of it yet?

If you haven’t well *whew*. That’s a relief. You can skip to #2.

If you have eaten some? Even a taste? Well things now get complicated. Unfortunately, it’s zombie quarantine time. Can you make yourself throw-up immediately? It might work. But probably not. Get comfortable, call in sick, at least until you know if it’s a fast or slow-acting strain. Time will tell. Use that time to write your final thoughts for your loved ones.

If you don’t have any final thoughts, use that time to form some final thoughts and write those.

If you find you can’t form final thoughts, this is probably a good sign it’s too late for you.

2. Secure the Area

This means clearing the room. Yes the entire kitchen, cafeteria or restaurant. Sure some people will be upset at first but they’ll thank you later. Try reassuring them you’ll make sure that their meals won’t go to waste. That sometimes helps.

3. Freeze It

Cover the brains immediately with an air-tight cover and freeze it immediately, preferably on dry ice. Why dry ice? It will freeze faster and look a lot cooler when you open the container to show it off later at parties.

4. Call Regulatory Services

Order an immediate pick up from your local regulatory services. And let us know what happens. Your survival is my survival!