Procrastinating, Kingdom Saving, and all other forms of Geekdom

Versus: Episode 9

In the last episode of Versus (which was a while ago….sorry), I had a matchup of zombie fighters. Since Matticus and I are writing a vampire story, I thought my next matchup should be about vampire fighters.

Obviously, the best vampire fighter is Blade. There’s really no debate there (in my mind, at least). So, then the question becomes: who is second best? Whistler? Not only is he old, he died in two of the Blade movies. His daughter? I’m sorry, but no matter how they edited that movie, I never bought Jessica Biel as an ass-kicker. If that’s all she did was shoot her bow, she might not have been so bad. Her hand-to-hand fighting scenes were awful, though.

Who does that leave (besides Matticus and myself, I mean, as we’re clearly right behind Blade on the badass vampire killing scale)? I’ll tell you.

Some of you may wonder why I didn’t use Van Helsing (the original vampire hunter) here. The truth is that I have never read a book that contained him, and I only saw one movie (the Hugh Jackman one) with him. I only saw it once, when it first came out and I don’t really remember much about it. Since I have had no desire to watch it again, I’m assuming I wasn’t a big fan of it the first time around.

Hannibal actually spent most of Blade: Trinity kicking the crap out of familiars. He did, however, kick some vampire ass. He took on the three dog vampires, plus he defeated Triple H in a one-on-one fight, even though he was sorely overmatched. It is also Hannibal who says one of my favorite movie lines of all time when he calls his captor a “cock-juggling thundercunt”.

Then, there’s Seth Gecko. Unlike Hannibal, he had no idea there were vampires. He was just at a bar and they started attacking. Not only does he have to kill his own brother, when he turns into one, he has to survive the night even though he is incredibly outnumbered.

I’m going to have to give this one to Seth Gecko. He killed way more vampires, plus he actually had my favorite movie line of all time. “Psychos? Did they look like psychos to you? They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don’t give a fuck how crazy they are!”

Both of these characters are based on actual people. William Wallace had one big victory against the English, a few big losses, and a bunch of small skirmishes. He used tactics considered barbaric at the time. His hit-and-run approach to warfare upset many of the English and has led some historians to speculate that he is the basis for the story of Robin Hood.

Leonidas led 300 Spartans (along with what is thought to be 14,000 other Greeks) against a Persian army somewhere between 50,000-200,000 strong. After his army was betrayed, Leonidas sent every Greek, except his Spartans (and 1000 other Greeks), away and held the Persians back, killing an estimated 20,000 before they fell.

Since I don’t have the programs that they used on Deadliest Warrior, I can’t do a matchup of the real people. So, I’ll just have to do a matchup of the movie characters instead.

Both of these men led armies, using superior tactics against numerically superior enemies. They both kicked a lot of ass until they were betrayed, and ultimately died. The question is: who kicked more ass before dying.

I’ve got to say the answer is Leonidas. While Wallace did a lot of great things, and kicked a lot of ass, Leonidas did more with less. Plus, if you look at them, Gerard Butler just looks like he’d kick the shit out of Mel Gibson.

That’s it for this episode folks. Do you agree with me? Disagree with me? Let me know in the comments.

If you have an idea for a matchup that you’d like to see me do, please leave it in the form below.

Didn’t Kate Beckingsale’s character from the Underworld series kill a ton more vampires than any of the other people listed here? (Except for Blade, you and I, of course.)

It hurt my heart a little bit when you picked Leonidas over Wallace… but, I think you made the right choice, even if I want it to be the other way around. I quote Braveheart all the time… it is one of my favorite movies.

Oh. And, yeah, I think she kills a bunch of vampires in the second one… I could be misremembering that though, it’s been a while since I’ve watched them… but wasn’t their some great feud within the family (or families)? I’m not really asking you, as you already said you hadn’t watched all of it. The question is for anyone else who stumbles onto these comments.