Silent divorce - the death of real
marriage - let us examine the issues. How and why does this happen?

Why do we avoid intimacy?

Among the many reasons and
personalities that avoid intimacy and thereby set up silent divorce:

Emotional immaturity - we have not
matured to the point of being ready for adult intimacy. We
avoid intimacy becasue emotionally we are children. Children
are not ready for the responsibility and the awe of adult intimacy.

Emotional woundedness - When
parents and others fail, neglect or avoid bonding to the child, then
the child's capacity for love is not awakened and nurtured. The
spirit languishes. Without the capacity for adult loving
intimacy in place at the emotional center - the spirit - love is no
longer received, held on to or converted into growth in emotional maturity.

Flight from life - an avoidant
personality with a high need for privacy, control of appearances and
risk avoidance.

Super-responsible - so busy caring
for others and keeping order that intimacy is avoided (John and Paula
Sandford: Parental Inversion).

People Pleasing - our identity lost
as we respond by doing what other's expect, being good, doing right,
being nice (Performance Orientation).

Dominating Personality - often
fearing vulerability or being a victim (again) we dominate and
overpower everyone and grab control.

Deepening trust and loyalty issues
- hypervigilant to possible threat, in deep need for total loyalty,
we have the tendency to become isolated and paranoid.

Eight ways that we neglect marital
intimacy and end up in silent
divorce?

There are many ways that one can limit the personal, the connection,
the bonding, the love connection in a marriage or sexually active
couple relationship and end up in a silent divorce.

Avoid eye contact in sexual contact perhaps by always having the
light out.

Avoid the calming down together after sexual relations.

In conversation, avoid topics that are close and personally relevant.

Minimize connection by talking from distant rooms.

If in the same room sit out of contact at a great distance from the other.

Fear and the associated lack of trust is always with a high need to
be in control. Where trust is low control is high. People
that have basic trust do not have to control others. One does
not feel secure until one achieves full control of close
relationships. The more fear, the more insecurity the more one
becomes very controlling of other people. And the more control
the more love is destroyed. Love and control cannot exist together.

When love is destroyed, silent divorce ensues. Here are some to the
ways control manifests in a relationship:

One method of control if to control appearances. Focus on the
surface  on looking good.

If one has control of finances, then avoid sharing these resources or
information or input about them with your partner.

If one is good at developing relationships, then take the lead role
in key relationships overpowering and excluding the other.

Do not include the other in key decisions (consult, talk or communicate).

Do not communicate about anything of relevance.

Just talk about other people, fiction, and other times  not
here, now and relevant.

What does the Life Avoidant
Personality look like?

There is a personality type that is associated with avoidance of
risk. Such persons are basically in flight from life and use
manipulation and control to consolidate this flight. Such people
become very controlling in order to remove the risk of living. Maybe
they are not good at 'self-soothing' - that is, they do not do a good
job of controlling their own anxiety.

The 'life-avoidant' personality is a prime candidate for a silent
divorce. Here is how life avoidance shows up in a relationship:

Focussed on nest-making (the comfortable womb-like cave) with soft
weak colours (nothing bold) and windows with many curtains and sheers
so as to be screened off from the world.

Live a life at home, within the home, about the home and dont
venture far away from home.

Unwilling to venture in cottage life, in intimate communication, and
in work.

Jesus comments on life-avoidance in the parable of the talents

In Jesus parable about failure to risk (Matthew 25:24-30) the risk
avoidant wicked, lazy servant ends up losing what they
have. That worthless servant is thrown out into the darkness!

So, according to Jesus, it is inevitable that whoever buries his
talent will lose what he thinks he has. Without trust (courage) there
is no risk. Without risk, there is no growth. Without
growth (movement forward), there is death!

How this happens:

When the avoidant partner avoids all personal communication, adult
consultation, playful interaction and all correction or negative
feedback, then the other partner will be lonely and vulnerable for
communication intimacy.

When the avoidant partner minimizes all kissing, hugging, caressing
and being affectionately physical together then both partner will end
up touch starved.

When the genital sexual relationship does not develop into heart to
heart bonding because of the avoidance of eye contact, stepping away
from the afterglow period then a powerful opportunity to deepen the
marital bond and feed and nurture one anothers spirits is missed.

When decisions are not shared together, requests are not made,
discussion does not happen the life together must of necessity become
life apart from one another.

Both of the partners begin to deaden within, the heart sickens, the
spirit languishes, one lives with constant residual depression and a
search for life outside of the marriage becomes as search for life,
love at the emotional and spiritual level. One strongly hungers
and thirsts for that which will lift one spirits, heal ones
heart, rekindle ones passion and bring the experience of
community and intimacy to ones soul.

By Gods design there is a powerful oneness created in sexual
union, in cleaving to ones wife, in becoming one with her.
But Jesus is right. After years of neglect (the burial of the
possibility by the one ine flight from life) even that powerful
God-given oneness does die.

When Silent Divorce becomes Legal Divorce

People will differ in how they handle silent divorce, the weakening
and finally the death of the marital bond. Once we recognize
that what God puts together sometimes man pulls asunder, not just
legally but by neglect, by avoidance, by head in the sand living, by
burial of ones talent, then we are open to learn where people
are at and how they are dealing with that reality.

Some couples are not motivated to destroy the appearance of marriage
and so keep up the appearance of marriage that we call silent
divorce. If you observe closely you may find that they
also become more distant from God. Some couples make strong
efforts to mend and restore their broken hearts and recreate a
healthy marital bond. In some one, or both, partners will move
on in the direction of life, love and communion with God.