Because Psychology is both the most important, and most intellectually challenging subject known to man, you need to learn the language. Be warned: this can take a lifetime.

Psychological language is important for many, many, many (a lot) of reasons.

1) First and foremost it is about making yourself seem a lot more intelligent than you actually are. Whereas we would say, “S/he’s fucking crazy!” they might use words such as, “Psychotic, Schizophrenic, or Dead”.

2) It is important to make your patient comfortable. Confusing them with long meaningless words makes them feel important and unique in diagnosis. Also, it doesn’t bear well to actually say, “You are fucking crazy”.

3) It is a great way of getting yourself into the medical dictionaries. All you do is pick an object, and become scared of, or obsessed by the object. Now that you are scared of, or are obsessed by the object, you have a problem. Give the problem a name, and we have ourselves a new word.

Eg. Fostaiphobia – The fear of shite lager.

Posture is equally important in putting the patient at ease. By the simple task of crossing your legs, and touching your beard, you put yourself on a pedestal above the patient, making them believe you are superior. With this comes the task of giving off an extreme air of arrogance. Coupled with making condescending comments, you will make your patient feel mentally unworthy and generally shit about themselves.

If you can make your patient feel shit about themselves, they will forget about the problem they came in for.

I’ve recently enrolled on an Access to Higher Education Course designed to give me access to higher education. The Access course is broken down into three main subjects, usually of your own choosing. I was late in applying, and although I am doing the Mathematics course I’d always dreamed of, I’ve also been enrolled in both Psychology and Business Studies.

At first I was disappointed with this result; that was until Psychology changed my life.

Each week, I will try to teach you psychology as I was taught myself; so begins Psychology 1:01.

There are three essential things to becoming a World Class Psychologist:

1) Flamboyant hand gestures

2) A beard

3) Possibly the most important; the essence to becoming a psychologist is talking about things absolutely no one gives a fuck about.

Master these three, you’ve mastered the mind.

These may sound simple, but my word, things were thrown up-side down after my first three hours.

Our teacher decided to show us the radical world of psychological profiling. This is where they picked a person to build a profile on, based on their life. Our teacher chose Mr. Adolf Hitler.

A Walter C Langer built the first psychological profile of a political world leader under intense pressure from the American government. After several months of intensive background study and insider information, Walter C Langer managed to come up with a conclusive evaluation of Hitler.

He was a bad man.

Without this information, we’d probably all be speaking German right now. NEVER underestimate the power of Psychology.