Diagnosing Myself

I've been away from this journal for a while for a number of reasons. I'll be candid:

1. Work has become busy. The yearly schedule at work is in line with tax season (even though I don't work in anything related to accounting) so I'm usually busy from January through May. Expect tons of blogging in June and July — there is NOTHING to do.

2. My personal life has become quite busy too. I don't really have a free night except for Sundays and I'm left exhausted from doing something every single night of the week. Free Friday nights tend to be a rare commodity.

3. I feel awful that I can't keep up on anyone's blog at the moment. There are so many wonderful blogs that I'm addicted to reading and it's much too time-consuming at the moment. (I have this tendency to read the first post and then read back entries all the way to January. Before I know it, I've spent 2 hours at work wasting time.)

4. I'm a perfectionist who meticulously reads over most of my previously written posts and corrects grammar, spelling, etc.

There's probably more that I can't remember at the moment, but you get the picture. Now, on to diagnosing myself…

I think I have ADHD and mild GAD in addition to bipolar disorder. These are NOT official diagnoses — they're my "theories." (It's also good to note, however, that I'd self-diagnosed myself with bipolar since I was 15, but never received an official diagnosis.)

Where do I begin to explain all this?

I'll try to keep it brief:

I have anxiety about checking my e-mail. I'm not quite sure why. There are obviously things I want to avoid in my inbox. That and I probably have over 500 items that I'll need to sift through. The sheer amount overwhelms me. (And no, those items are NOT spam.)

ADHD? Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder – I don't really have the "hyperactivity" part of this diagnosis. I'm much more ADD — I'm in the midst of reading 10 books at one time (not exaggerating) and I usually don't finish most of them. I've made a promise to myself that I'm not going to buy another book until I finish five of them, but then I see one that I have to have and think, "Oh, I'll definitely read this" and don't get around to it until 2 years later. I bought The Adventures of Tom Sawyer in August and ended up reading it as a fluke when I checked into the psych hospital in October (there was nothing else to do). That's just an example. I tend to have ADD with listening to songs too. I'll listen to the first few seconds or a minute of a song and think, "Oh, this song's boring. Let's try something else."

I could go on and on.

I'm having memory problems, too. I'm in the middle of a conversation and quickly forget what I was thinking. I'm constantly at a loss for words lately. I used to be quick and think on my feet. Maybe it's age that's causing it, but I'm only 25 — that's not really old enough to have memory problems. It's possible that the Lamictal's causing it, but it's probably a rare side effect. I know memory problems are much more common with Seroquel.

So this is what I'm going through. I'll make an effort to catch up on my favorite blogs one blog at a time. I'm looking forward to catching up on Zyprexa and seeing the developments I missed. I'm also interested in researching Pristiq and how it differs from its predecessor, Effexor XR. And I'm also interested in reading about the personal things occuring in everybody's life.

But I'll try to do one thing at a time and piece my life back together. I'll do it somehow. I'm determined. But it'll take time to actually finish all of my tasks. I'm behind in many tasks (things I've left undone and promised to do since September) and feeling cluttered in my brain and in my life. I want to push past this "ADD" that I've got and finish off so many things. I want to be successful. I know I can be successful and I don't need medication to do it.