We are Korean Moms in training dedicated to psycho-analyzing our moms, reliving horrible memories of embarrassment and dread for the benefit of the public...all the while laughing like a wheezy grandpa. Someone needs to pay for our therapy...

Monday, September 22, 2008

Socks or stockings are the accoutrement of choice for the Korean Mom and the Korean Grandma. Forget stacks of bracelets, the latest shades, or the blingiest necklaces, socks are where it's at. Not just any socks, athletic ankle socks and sheer nude pantyhose. What? You say everyone does this? Yes they do...now...thanks to the fashion powerhouse that is the Korean Mom! Korean Mom sock fashion knows no bounds. They go with everything; sneakers, heels, flip flops, sandals, aqua shoes. The sock and stocking color of choice is always white/nude. White is bold, it is a statement. It says 'Here I am in all my sock glory! I am not ashamed!'. The white socks serve as a canvas encouraging the onlooker to clearly and distinctly admire the shoe choice of the Korean Mom. Ooo and Ahh over those sexy SAS', drool a little at the hot little number that is the shower shoe. Boomchikawowwow! If you see a Korean Mom out and about, running errands or sitting around, take a gander southward and you will see she is indeed wearing socks with her slippers....outside...at Costco...where she is purchasing even more socks. Many of the Korean Mom socks of choice will also have logos or sayings on the side. Things like random farm animals, or sayings like 'Happy Time Yes!'. Often a Korean Mom will show her love and appreciation by gifting you with white socks of your very own, usually bought back from Korea in variety packs. Always express your delight, and put them on right away. I don't care if they don't go with your new Prada, put them on dammit. Listen up; do not ever suggest to a Korean Mom that she should not wear her beloved socks or stockings with whatever outfit she is rocking. To suggest such a thing is the equivalent to suggesting she run outside naked. It is simply obscene...you perv. I used to date this dude who had the quintessential Korean Mom. I once entered her house without socks. I noted her disapproving stank eye but warded it off right away with a gift of Asian pears. Later that night, I reached into my purse only to find she had stealthily planted 3 pairs of nude pantyhose inside, complete with 'Made in Korea' tags (see#24). It was a clear message, a threat, like when Jack Woltz wakes up only to find he's been cuddling up to a horse's head (cue Godfather music).

ps- My KM and I just did our interview with CBC! I'll post it soon. :)

Ms. Lela Lee...thanks for giving me a little shout out on your site. Your Angry Little Asian Girl is my hero. I wish I could have told you that privately, but girl...I can't figure out how to email you...shameful I know.

Also...

Get ready CANADA! You can hear my Korean Mom and I on the air on CBC radio this coming Monday! Time and Program info TBA. My Korean Mom is off the chain. Just prepare yourselves.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I know, I know. You don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Let me explain. I have been noticing a scary and disturbing trend at weddings. Korean Moms know how to get down. I'm not talking about your usual bump and grind to Flo Rida. *shudder* No, I'm talking about something more serious. Ballroom dancing. As soon as that Celine Dion song starts playing, they run up in their St. John suit, red lipstick, perm sprayed within an inch of its life, Korean Dad in tow, and proceed to give Dancing With the Stars a run for their money. Ballroom dancing is all the rage among Korean Moms. They will even ballroom dance to non-ballroom dancy music. They are just that dedicated. It's a rap song? No problem, she'll just dance a little faster. More serious, dedicated Korean Moms may even move their precious plastic covered, embroidered furniture in the living room to make more room to dance. They do not learn how to do this by watching TV. They take ... are you ready? Lessons. Unlike you with your piano or violin, they do not quit their lessons when it gets hard, when they want to sleep in on Saturday, or when they do not want to go anymore. They dance until they can dance no more. Not only does ballroom dance come in handy at the weddings of other Korean Mom's sons or daughters to doctors and lawyers, it also distracts them and others from the fact that you, their child, are still single. No, the fact that you are dating a missionary, or trades person is not valid. To them, you are still single. The only trade that is marriageable in the eyes of a Korean Mom is carpentry. The only carpenter worth marrying is Jesus, and he died. Ballroom dancing at weddings eases the pain you have caused your Korean Mom through your singleness. As she dances, she is crying inside. Shame on you.

Every time a Korean Mom dances in public they are secretly performing in their own private dance recital. Korean Moms love recitals. That is why they made you perform in one every year, and whenever other Korean Moms came over to your house. To a Korean Mom, recitals are not only a way of showcasing their talent, it is just damn sexy. Yes. I just used Korean Mom and sexy in the same sentence. Shhh..there there, it's ok, let me hold you while you cry. Korean Moms feel sexy when they ballroom dance. When they do the waltz they feel like Britney Spears in her 'I'm a Slave for You' video. Hot and bothered. Face it, inside every Korean Mom is a little Richard Simmons dying to get out, hair and all.

Friday, September 5, 2008

This needs no explanation. Korean Moms (and Dads) everywhere love to argue over the bill at any gathering. Whether it be a coffee date or an extravagant dinner, rest assured when the bill arrives, all hell will break loose. If you are an outsider witnessing Korean Moms (or Dads) arguing over who pays the bill, it may look like at UFC death match is about to ensue. You are right. In fact, Chuck Liddell has nothing on a Korean Mom who is determined to pay the damn bill. He would run, hide, and cry in the corner rather than face the Korean Mom's all out bill paying wrath and determination. Do not be suprised if your Korean Mom comes away with paper cuts from clutching that flimsy check in her death grip. In fact, those are not paper cuts. They are battle scars. She will wear them proudly because she is gangster. Korean Moms love to argue over the bill because, yes they are generous, but also because everything is a competition...everything; from whose kid has bigger eyes to whose perm cost the least. Here are some words of advice. When a Korean Mom offers to pay for you at the end of a meal, do not, I repeat, do not, readily accept. She is not asking you to accept, she is challenging you to a duel. You must argue with her in a loud voice, and even wave your credit card in the air screaming for the wait staff, until she conceeds or you lose out of sheer humilation. Do not be suprised if she hits you or pushes you in the heat of battle. Just accept the beating...but do not ever hit or push back. If you do; God save you my friend. Actually no, he can't, even God fears stank eye. Be warned, if you do not accept her challenge and let the Korean Mom pay without a throwdown, she will never eat with you again, for you are now deemed 'Jjah'/cheap, and unworthy to dine in her presence.