Wednesday, August 2, 2006

I had it all mapped out, Willie Roaf. I poured through every fucking fantasy guide I possibly could, even that faggity ass Street & Smith's one they must publish a day after the Super Bowl ("2006 could be a great year for the Saints if Aaron Brooks finally gets it together!") I had my shit color-coded and everything. I took into account contract years, bye weeks, strength of schedule, uniform color, average weight, and cheerleader strokability. I had my draft board all set to go, which is a bitch because Yahoo! still fails to understand the concept of Javascript rankings.

My board was prepared. It was beautiful. It was sacred. It told me that Hines Ward is more valuable than Marc Bulger, and fuck anyone who believes otherwise. Many people follow things religiously: the Ten Commandments, the Koran, Starfleet Academy rules, etc. Me? I follow the board. The board rules above all else.

And you had to go and fuck it all up by retiring. Willie Roaf? You, kind sir, are a no-good dipshit fuckface cocksucker barrel-chested assmunching pile of fuck four-eyed bastard.

You dick. You want to go get your degree? Pfft. That's crap. You were put here on Earth for my enjoyment. You're like a Rock-'em-Sock-'em robot, but with my hand up your ass. Your degree has no place on my fantasy board. That's what we call an "invariable". You know who also likes invariables? Communists. Skirt-wearing, Not Dog eating, give-money-to-some-smelly-homeless-person communists.

What do I do with this board now? Larry Johnson was my clear cut #1. But I know damn well the Chiefs offense struggggggled when you missed a handful of games last year. So now I have to do the whole LJ/LT/uh...SA (Dammit, Shaun Alexander needs one of those gay fantasy nicknames, like SeaShaun or S-Lex or Sugar Tits) thing again. All of America has to do it again. All so you can get your degree. In fucking sociology! Sociology is the major for people who don't like learning. You want to study human behavior? Here's a fucking ingenious idea: walk around. There are literally people everywhere you go. And they're usually not as gay as the ones you find on a college campus.

And not only are you retiring for a worthless sociology degree, you're doing it at Louisiana Tech, the only school in America whose very name is a contradiction-in-terms. What tech is there in Louisiana? Will you be writing your term paper on a fucking Osborne? Maybe you could play Adventure while you're at it. Get used to seeing this phrase a lot:

"You're in a maze of twisty little passages."

Asshole.

You should know above all else not to fuck with the fantasy community. We're the second largest lobby in Washington, next to the Oil/Tobacco/Owl Grinding industry. We do NOT play games, my friend. We watch games, and then create a second game based upon the arbitrary statistical results of that first set of games. Does that sound like a group of people you want to piss off? Mike Shanahan learned the hard way. He made us mad and we chained him to a tanning bed for 3 straight weeks just so he would let Mike Anderson go.

Now, thanks to your complete and utter selfishness, I have no idea if Eddie Kennison is worth a 6th round pick or a 7th round pick. You happy? I don't even know what to do with Trent Green, or Gonzo, or fucking Samie Parker. And that affects the whole rest of the board! If the KC offense isn't quite as good, that throws off the entire schedule rankings. It's like the Butterfly Effect, except in this case the butterfly is a big, fat, 400-lb. rib-eating Monarch who also happens to be a self-absorbed dipshit.

You say you have "nagging knee and hamstring" ailments. Oh, boo fucking hoo. I had a hangnail this morning, and I'm at work! What's your pussy little excuse? I bought Sunday Ticket, and you were 1/2000th of the reason why. You owe me a dime. You fucker. I hate you, Willie Roaf. You are totally not a Hall-of-Famer.

UPDATE: The Chiefs traded for Michael Bennett today, which is kind of like paying someone to punch you in the nuts. No one trips over the pulling guard's foot quite like the former Badger. Enjoy, Chiefs fans!

This has nothing to do with wanting to be Willie Roaf's TA: Mark Maske and his fat face are doing the blog now. Now we can get inside of the NFL. The use of the term blog is looser than a successful prostitute! Throw a hotdog down a hallway even. I've broken my funny bone.