The Bachelor Recap: Sean Lowe Barely Makes It Out of Hometowns Alive

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ABC via WENN

The time has come for Bachelor Sean Lowe to leave the clutches of Chris Harrison's love nest, and re-enter society. Much like his virginity re-entered his body. Yep, The Bachelor Season 17 hometown dates are upon us, which means that Sean is taking a leaf out of his friend Jesus' playbook and wandering around like a nomadic minstrel! Only instead of binge eating loaves ‘n' fishes, he's winning over the fam-fams of his potential wives. Because who doesn't want to bond with the dude dating their daughter and also three other ladies? Nothing about this can possibly go wrong!

AshLee Frazier: Don't Mess With Texas

Remember when AshLee Frazier leapt onto that table in St.Croix and yelled "I LOVE SEAN" into the starry night sky, traumatizing several sea creatures while doing so? Girlfriend is becoming Fatal Attraction-level obsessed with Sean, and she's determined to snare him in her hometown of Houston, a beautiful land full of people who wear non-ironic cross necklaces.First, AshLee treats Sean to a romantic prairie picnic, where they frolic around like prepubescent youths exploring each other's sexuality. After rolling around the hills and valleys of Sean's abs, these two skip off to meet girlfriend's adoptive parents — because in case you've forgotten, AshLee's adopted— much like Little Orphan Annie, only the sun won't come out tomorrow. Turns out, AshLee is a major daddy's girl, and Sean + Papa Frazier have so much to talk about! Like the fact that literally everyone they know is a reverend. But does Sean get an amen from AshLee's dad? Shockingly yes — despite the fact that he's four-timing AshLee with a sea of hotties, most of which he's tried to kill.

Catherine Giudici: Sleepless In Seattle

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ABC via WENN

Catherine Giudici lives in Seattle (aka The Rainiest City In America), so as you might expect Sean is super thrilled. There' nothing this dude loves more than mixing romance with gloom, and everyone in Seattle looks like want to drown each other in rain puddles. But Catherine is so cheerful that it's just like GTFO clouds, rainbows for everyone! Basically, she is the Lisa Frank of Washington. This gal is super-pumped about showing Sean around Seattle, so they hit up a few hotspots, mingle amongst the locals, feel the rain on their skin, and throw fish at each other. Like, actually. Anyway, after bonding with some dead sea bass, Catherine finally takes Sean to meet her family, where he causes second-hand embarrassment by saying "hey y’all" in Filipino. Naturally, everyone loves Sean — except Catherine's sisters who worry that their relationship is moving too fast. In fact, they dare to imply that Catherine isn't ready to pop out Sean's babies. UM, remember when Catherine and Sean frolicked in a blizzard together and made a bunch of children with their minds? So do we. Also, Catherine's mom refuses to give Sean her blessing. #haters #totheleft.

Lindsay Yenter: Full Metal Jacket

In case you've forgotten, Lindsay Yenter spent her formative years traveling around the world with her father, a two star general who runs an army base in Fort Leonard Wood. This dude is so beefy that he could literally melt Sean's six-pack with a mere flash of his crew-cut, and our be-freckled Bachelor is more than a little nervous. But despite his nerves, Sean and Lindsay have a great time trolling around her backwoods town, where she makes him eat cupcakes and perform a bunch of basic training drills! No big deal. Also, we feel like it's our responsibility to mention that Sean is wearing a turtleneck during most of this date. Do with that information what you will. So, does Lindsay's dad love Sean as much as she does? Yes! Despite the fact that he was totally eying his wall rack of guns throughout this entire date, he gives Sean his blessing and a bunch of dog tags, which is the army equivalent of a friendship necklace.

Desiree Hartsock: Dream of Californication

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ABC via WENN

Sean and Desiree Hartsock have had major chemistry ever since they locked lips in that murky hot tub, so Sean is all kinds of pumped to meet her family. Of course, first Sean and Desiree have to partake in their customary mating ritual — doing outdoorsy things like "walking," "hiking," and a bunch of other words that are completely foreign to us. The good news? Sean has a fabulous day of non-stop cuddling. The bad news? Desiree's ex-boyfriend shows up at her house for a pre-dinner bonding session and tries to beat Sean to a pulp in a jealous frenzy. But OMG, just kidding, guys! Turns out Desiree is simply pranking Sean to get back at him for pranking her! AHAHAHAH, Des, you jokester, you! But wait, the time for LOLs is over. Turns out Desiree's tattooed brother hates Sean with a fiery passion, and accuses him of being a player over dinner. Now Sean is questioning his relationship with Des, and it's just like, we can't with these plebeians.

The Rose Ceremony

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ABC via WENN

Sean is so sad and it's making us sad. So sad that we just ate twice the normal amount of pizza smothered in ranch dressing. This virginal puritan is in love with four different women, and Judgement Day is upon them. So, which lucky unlucky lady does he send home? You guessed it — Sean says sayonara to Desiree, despite the fact that she apologizes for her brother's behavior just moments before the Rose Ceremony!