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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Grieving Process (Thrashes of the Feel-o-sophical)

feel-o-sophical: state of feeling a myriad of emotions and trying to place meaning or philosophy behind them

…this is not for the weak of heart

You dare yourself to be vulnerable

At the risk of being ripped apart

Having a predator hungry

For a dish more savory

But the other isn’t used to the taste

So it gets frowned on unfavorably

And tossed back like that too small fish

Or bloody, pungent road kill

I guess I will start the story here

Where my glistening tears spill….

I’m trying to have a conversation to get to the meat of
the matter. An excavation of how the
things I have depth for are getting treated so flippantly. Not sure if it’s intentional or one of those
instances where one says the first thing that spills from the lips without
thinking.

Either way, my sleep was
extremely uneasy.

I have become more honest with myself when things bother
me.

I have made great strides not to
bottle as much, nor do I want to come out with neck moving (although I’ve never
done the neck thing much), guns blazing, and tones on full blast. However, I can’t ignore the things which tug
at me.

I thought I had set my alarm this morning, so I can’t
even recall whether I arose, shut it off or went back to sleep. Perhaps I had never set it at all. I know is that I woke up and realized I only
had ten to fifteen minutes top before I had to rush out of the door.

This thing weighs so heavy, yet I know I don’t
have the time to give it the attention it deserves, nor do I want to bring it out
now before I can truly decipher what all the feelings represent from a
psychological and objective standpoint.
However, when it was time to give the customary greeting upon my
departure, the coldness was sensed and the inquiry was spilled. Of course I had to say that there wasn’t time
to discuss it (which there wasn’t); it wasn’t code word for “not wanting to
talk about it”. I just was trying to do
it when the intensity of my emotions were toned down just a bit.

I’ve tried to be understanding, to adopt empathy through
the tough time.

Yet I still feel.

This thing that just recently happened,
although the confession was made rather than my stumbling upon it, has sucked
me like a vacuum. It has in the sense of
around this time, a year ago, the other thing (that I accidentally discovered)
came to the forefront. I have really been
working hard to get past that first thing because the first one ripped me open—not
necessarily the activity, but because of the deception, the comparison of what
each of us was told. I know I will never
get the entire truth of the matter, but the sting of the irresponsibility
required a lot of medicine.

Just when
the swelling of that sting had sunk and had gotten to the point where it was
numbed, this new thing (which was really an old thing because it was claimed to
have happened a while back—but in the male mind, a while could be two days ago…)
comes along.

It is like I put a pause on dealing with it because the
other happenings took so much precedence.

It reminded me of when M was upset with something and she
would lash out. I couldn’t really deal
with it at the time because I was working, so I tend to go into autopilot, put
on my game face, and do what needs to be done, telling myself, “When I’m done
with this, then I will deal with the rest.”
At times, with M, it would never come because the fury would be back-to-back,
and by the time everything finally came full circle, I was emotionally gushing
and mentally fuming.

Now that life is attempting to go on past the other
happenings, it’s time for me to fully deal with how this thing has impacted me.

Some may say this is a Virgo thing, but it is a
combination of it being me as well as it being the Virgo in me. It is not enough to just tell me the thing
happened; it has to have a back story.

It has to have origins—“What was going on that would make
you want to do this?”

It has to have some form of payoff- “When you were doing
this thing, how did it make you feel?
What did you gain from doing this? “

It has to have a purpose-“Why did you do this?”

You get what I mean?

To the origins, I’ve been getting “I don’t know.” To the payoff, "I've been guilty, I feel bad
and wish I could take it back.” To the purpose, “I don’t know, wish I could
take it back.”

Then to the payoff response, of course my natural
inclination is to be, “Well, if you felt so bad, why didn’t you stop the moment
you felt bad? You obviously couldn’t have been feeling bad during the time it
occurred because it came full circle.”

I can’t sit and fake things are all right. Both would be getting done a disservice. I don’t think it’s throwing anything back in
anyone’s face. I am just trying to get
real with this thing.

If the shoe was on the other foot, and I had done certain
things, should I really expect the other person to continue on as if these
things didn’t have impact? I’m not talking
about constantly throwing the past stuff in the other person’s face, but giving
the other person time to gain back the trust and respect that was initially
given, even if the time frames aren’t in alignment.

If I had done these things, I wouldn’t expect forgiveness
right away. Heck, I wouldn’t expect
forgiveness at all. I probably wouldn’t
even ask for the other try, simply because if I am doing these things, then
obviously I’m unhappy with the current situation at hand.

If it were me, it wouldn’t have even gotten
to that point.

I would have expressed my
views beforehand the moment something was lacking, and if the things didn’t get
attended to, I would just bounce. I
wouldn’t leave myself open to riding the fence or being accused of not being
true…not just once, but twice in the same year.

Some men are different in that way. They want to be forgiven cleanly no matter
what they do, but let the female do the same thing, there will be a Timberland
boot print in the middle of her ass. She’d
get called every low life thing in the book.
He’d be telling his boys how he had been played, putting up a good
front, maybe even getting other women to have fun with, when in reality, he
doesn’t want to show that he got ripped apart.

To me, I feel like the only way this could remotely make
sense is if there’s a reality being lived outside of my existence. For if a person acts like he’s in his own
head, should he really be held liable?
Of course the whole fly by the seat of my pants approach can apply
because the actions only affect him.
These other things are no big deal because if one is in his own head, he
can’t see the repercussions. I suppose
he needs an extra to make it seem like he’s part of the outside world.

Perhaps he chose the wrong extra.

I know females that can do extra. Females that are only in the moment, don’t
even look at the future and don’t subscribe to have a future. I know females who are okay with the
withholding information and the lies (even if they catch the guys doing
it). I know females that will let a guy
self destruct because she doesn’t care or she doesn’t want to rock the boat.

Perhaps he is too used to the extras and this newness is
scary, causing one to retract to old behaviors.

However, it’s not like I faked to be something else. It was known upon the approach I was the
opposite of the elements you had dealt with; it was accepted.

I didn’t do a Maury, act like I was pregnant with child
knowing it wasn’t yours, but told you it was so that you’d stay.

I came; I came with honesty and with an acceptance of
myself I had been struggling with for decades.
I didn’t have time to shop around for the ointment or the concealer to
hide the tryst of my past relationships.
I couldn’t beautify certain things because certain things I never had
the opportunity to just tell; I had put those things on pause, so of course
when they finally spilled forth, they were fraught with the toxicity of a rusty
blade, but I felt better, for it was out there.

I couldn’t come into this the way I came in with the
rest.

In the past, I hadn’t clearly
expressed where I wanted things to go; I assumed we were both on the same
wavelength. If I realized this person
was just seasonal and not someone to build a lifetime with, I made the
assumption the person would pick up on it.

With this, I laid out the blueprint, and if adjustments were to be made,
I wouldn’t just automatically do them, there would be a conversation about
it.

I’m not the extra.

I wouldn’t be a true friend or anything deeper if I don’t call out flaws
that cause danger in your interaction with other people, particular ones you
claim to care about, love, and be in love with.
I also wouldn’t be true if I didn’t say when I feel like you aren’t as
invested in this as you initially were, not necessarily through the words but
the actions being in contradiction. I
don’t think I’m wrong in trying to make sure that you aren’t doing saying
things just for the sake of redemption because for me, this type of thing just
doesn’t go away.

People just have to be careful the way they use
words. Respect. Honesty. Love.
In-love. I understand we are human, but
if there is a bond of love/in-love that is supposed to be strong, then no other
elements should be able to come in and cause erosion.

Even if you see it as harmless, you have to
look beyond the act—like if I act “this way”, will the person respond to it “this
way”. You cannot always be responsible
for how the other person acts; you have to be responsible for how you act.

Where I work, more the second gig than the first, you
deal with all types of people. Some
guys, particularly the truckers, tend to want to get friendly with the female
cashier.

Now, I can’t go around and scowl at everyone—wouldn’t
promote good customer service. However, I have to be able to decipher when
the guy is just making small talk and when he is making a play.

If I am not saying
(even if the ring is there on the finger) anything preferring to my status or
even referencing it in conversation…like if the guy is a NY Giants fan, I could
be like, “Hey, my (relationship type/title) is a big fan of them, too.”, then I’m
leaving myself open for trouble.

Or if I’m wanting a bit of sensual/sexual attention and
the person I’m with isn’t there, I still have control over what I do, even if
the sexual tension feels uncontrollable.
There are options rather than reaching out to someone else to do
that. I’d rather the guy have an
investment in porno, magazines, or a lifetime supply of Jergens than to get on
the phone and reach out to another person to offer him some assistance.

It’s all about choices.

A person can’t keep making bad choices and say he doesn’t
know. That’s like a puppy that’s been
house trained continuing to poop on the rug long after he should know
better. It just doesn’t fly.

A person can’t keep chalking up everything to the
past. Yes, the past has a part in
shaping one’s behaviors and attitudes, but it’s up to the person whether he
uses it as a crutch or a stepping stone to do better. One can’t say, “I’m trying to be a better
person,” yet when things go wrong, chalk it up to, “Old habits die hard.”

I know changes can’t happen overnight, but some things don’t
get the learning curve, especially if you are a number of years in.

Some of the old habits are the reasons you aren’t getting
what you fully want out of your relationships, although you put out there you
want honesty, acceptance, trust, faithfulness, respect, and love.

When are you going to be grown and just drink
that truth serum?

Just quit saying, “I don’t know.”

Even if one doesn’t want to admit the why and
the how, I’d rather be told, “I’m not comfortable with revealing how and why
this went down.” To me, that is more honest than not knowing.

Allso, “I didn’t
think it would be a big deal,” would suffice, but only if it’s actually true—if
one didn’t think it was a big deal.

Ideally, this is what I would like to see or hear being
said in response to this recent thing:

“I can see that my actions have caused you stress and
pain and I will give you the time you need to deal with your feelings
associated with this. I accept this won’t
happen overnight and the sting may be felt days, weeks, or months from
now. I respect your grieving process.”

Yes, it’s a grieving process. Just like the actual death of a person. Anything that puts a major chink in the
foundation of a relationship causes a death in its initial strength. I need to go through the motions; I need the
time to grieve the loss of that level of concreteness, for it may never
return.