Priorities, Weight Changes, and WW

Someone left a comment on my blog recently asking why I don’t admit that I have a problem with food, and while I think the comment was sincere, it was a bit misguided. I’ve been blogging here for almost 10 years, and there’s no way I’d go back and read all of my old posts. I definitely wouldn’t encourage anyone else to do it either, so it’s understandable that this reader may not know that I wrote about my problems with food regularly for years.

If you’re new here, or you’re just an occasional lurker, let me be clear about something. I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I don’t like food in the mornings, so I tend to skip meals until late in the day. I drink coffee almost daily, but I drink it mid-morning, and I don’t drink enough water throughout the day.

I currently weigh around 300 pounds, which is over 100 pounds less than I weighed at my heaviest. I don’t exercise regularly, but I used to. I don’t binge eat, I don’t drink sodas, and I like evening snacks. I’m a good cook, though I prefer baking delicious cookies, making fudge, and sharing them with the people around me.

I have a tendency to love people with food, and I’m aware of it. I find it difficult to cook during the week because my schedule doesn’t allow me to be home at dinner time Monday through Thursdays. I meal prep on most Sundays, but I don’t care for leftovers. I eat processed foods sometimes, food from restaurants sometimes, and healthy foods that I make at home sometimes.

My issue with food emotional, not physical. I don’t eat because I’m sad. I’m a happy lady for the most part, and I’m content in my work, my spiritual life, my marriage, and I’m confident that my future is a bright one.

My blood work always comes back positive. I have a healthy blood pressure, resting heart rate, cholesterol, and A1C. I weigh a lot more than I should, and sometimes it feels impossible to lose weight even though I know that’s nonsense.

From 2010 to 2014 or so, I felt like a failure because I wasn’t losing weight anymore after losing well over 100 pounds in 2009 and 2010. That started to change when a friend made an excellent point. She said, “You’re not a failure at losing weight; you’re just not trying.” She was right.

Losing weight was a priority in my life for a long time. From 2009 through 2013 I exercised regularly. My goal was to do at least 1,000 minutes of cardio a month, and I typically accomplished that goal pretty easily.

I gained back a lot of the weight I lost in 2009 and 2010 in 2013 when I discovered my love for caramel macchiatos and spending too much time at my favorite coffee shop. Other food choices contributed to it, but that period of life feels like ancient history.

I no longer get the emotional satisfaction from food that I once got, and I don’t eat as much as I did in the past. Even so, I haven’t seen progress in this area in the last year. It hasn’t been a priority, so it isn’t surprising to me.

Even so, I know that I need to do something about my weight. I need to forge new, healthier habits. I’m no stranger to what it takes to see results, but my commitment to making a change has been utterly lacking.

I don’t think my weight can be the top priority all the time. I’m not happy living like that, but I do believe that I’ll be happier and healthier if I make the choice to commit to making it a priority and see it through.

I don’t have a grandiose weight-loss goal for 2019, but I do want to breakthrough the number that has felt totally impossible and completely out of reach since 2012. The number is 284.

People often tell me that the number on the scale doesn’t matter, and they’re right and wrong. My weight no longer makes me feel like a failure or unworthy of love. It’s just a number in that sense, and it doesn’t consume me. On the flip side, it matters to me because if I’m working to see results, I want to see them in black and white. The scale is not the only measure, but it’s a key component.

I joined WW again recently, and my goal for the month of December is simply to track my foods, eat more vegetables, and to stay within the target zone each day. I know that will require some changes on my part, but it’s doable. And I hope that those changes will lead to healthy, lasting habits that lead to big results.

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35 Comments

disneypal

December 3, 2018 at 5:11 pm

I’m not a WW member but have been in the past. I had to stop going because I have lymphedema in my legs (extreme swelling). The swelling would cause my weight to fluctuate so dramatically (10 lbs at times) that it was getting frustrating…although I know I lost weight for the week, the scales didn’t show it because of the swelling. So ultimately, I stopped. I think WW is a great program though. I agree with you, I’ve had a weight problem all my life and while the scales are not the main measurement, it is a primary measurement. Let’s face it..it is what WW uses as a success measure, it is what our doctors use as a success measure, etc. So how can we not do the same? I really struggle at times because I KNOW I am eating healthy, exercising and doing all things my doctor tells me and I might lose 2 pounds in a month. Then I have a friend who lives off M & Ms and Cheetos and is a couch potato, she goes to the doctor to be told she lost 6 lbs in the last month – how? It seems so unfair and I try not to compare myself to others but it hard sometimes. All we can do is focus on day-to-day.

Kenlie

December 3, 2018 at 8:22 pm

Comparison will steal your confidence and so much more if you let it because there will always be someone who seems like they have it easier.

I’ve really struggled with not comparing myself to people who lost way more after having surgery. I lost what I gained back, but I didn’t have the phenomenal results that others had. Even so, I’m better off than I was before I had it.

Lymphedema is so tough. I’m sorry you have to deal with it, but you have a good attitude!

LJB

December 3, 2018 at 5:31 pm

I joined WW online about 7 weeks ago. I really really like it. I’ve lost about 7 1/2 pounds almost effortlessly. It is a really easy program to follow. For the emotional part of eating, I’ve got a lot of insight from Brooke Castillo’s podcasts, The Life Coach School, especially listening clear back to the first ones in order. Kenlie – don’t let people’s comments affect you! Interestingly, I once said at a WW meeting, “My goal is to have a healthy relationship with food.” I got laughed at, even by the leader. It is possible and I do now, even being 20-30 pounds overweight. I hope you like WW. Blessings!

Kenlie

Sara

December 3, 2018 at 8:15 pm

I like WW! I joined again last Dec 31! I lost 22 pounds, then the summer hit and I indulged too much and I’ve probably gained back six pounds. Trying to get back to at least 20 lost by dec. 31! With the holidays it’ll be hard, but I can try! I need to try harder too! I lost one pants size which was good, but I know I can do more! I know
What I eat is related to depression. Once I recognize those feelings I can curb them. Best of luck!

Katy

December 3, 2018 at 9:01 pm

Kenlie, I have followed your blog for about two years and admire your positive attitude and persistence. I have struggled with my weight all my life, have lost over 100 pounds several times and always gained it back. Right now I need to lose around 60 lbs but I am older now and nothing is working. I urge you to do everything you can to lose the weight now because you will reach an age when it is too late. I would give anything to go back 20 years when I was at my thinnest at 128.

Jean

Kenlie

December 4, 2018 at 1:50 pm

I don’t regret it, but I regret not doing more to prepare for how I’d feel in the months after. I experienced something that was pretty difficult during the early stages of my healing process, and I felt a lot of anger with myself for having surgery because I couldn’t eat my feelings.

I remember thinking at one point that I’d give up so much if I could just eat a burito from Chipotle, but I couldn’t. I wish I had gone to counseling at that point. I tried seieng two therapists, but I should have tried harder.

Wow, your comment was thought-provoking. I may write a post about it too.

Jean

December 4, 2018 at 6:07 pm

I ask because I know many people who have had the surgery but end up either not losing much or gaining pounds back. I am struggling to lose a significant amount and several people have mentioned surgery to me but I am resistant to the suggestion for some of the reasons you mention and others related to different fears I have. I’m not sure what the answer is.

I have a friend that went through this surgery and has had great luck with it. It took her almost 6 mo. of prep before they would do the surgery. She had to do all kinds of counseling and change a lot before they would even do the surgery. It would seem that if you had that kind of prep then you would be more likely to succeed. That is not to say it has been easy but She is doing great and down 100+ pounds. Find a good nutritionist or weight loss counselor and talk with them about what all it involves.

Miranda

December 17, 2018 at 8:27 am

I’d want to hear more about your post-surgical experience as well. People who post on other forums tend to be the ones who exceeded the “60% of excess weight lost” average, and most of them experience relatively smooth sailing. It sounds like your progress was more complex.

Do you feel it was worth it? Did you get what you needed from the surgery? Where do you think things started to go off track? Have there been longterm impacts?

I had surgery about 9 months ago and it’s worked for me, though not the way I expected and I know it didn’t work this way for other people: I lost both the capacity to eat a lot and the endorphin rush from eating. So consuming a lot of food has lost pretty much all incentive, rewiring my brain to some extent. Will this last? No idea, so I’m not ready to say I’m a successful WLS patient. And again, I know for some people they can still eat quite a lot post-surgery and some still feel the pleasure centers in their brain activate when eating.

Very interested to hear what you think of your experience, in retrospect.

Kenlie

Rebecca Ann Weatherly

December 4, 2018 at 12:49 am

I am a WW person…on and off for years with all the changes. It is a program that works for me when I work it. Trouble is, like many, I don’t have endurance enough to stick to it or when I do lose a good amount of weight, I am like an alcoholic once I falter. So I need to work on inner strength and finding a way to not be an all or nothing”dieter.”

Connie

Kenlie

I’m sorry you got that irritating message about the issue with food. It’s such a mind game and I applaud you for living in the public by posting what you do. It sounds like you are in a pretty good place emotionally and I’m sure that will help you. I’m not on WW now, but I have been for many years. I think it’s a good program, anything you do is tough but sticking with it will work! Good luck!

Kenlie

December 4, 2018 at 7:11 pm

I think you’re right about the good emotional place, and it has taken a lot of work and continues to. It seems like some people think that if you’re overweight you have to be unhappy and consumed with shame, but I believe that those ideas are categorically false.

Stephan

December 4, 2018 at 4:37 pm

I am following your blog off and on again , more or less since years. First I liked your blog, but all these ‚you go girl‘ and don’t care about the haters where just too much (or too American) for me (Swiss) . I am obese too since 20y (6ft 7 // 330 Pounds) and am confused about your post. U Blog that you dont have a Problem with Food and than continue on and in about Food and your likes and dislikes. Its just dishonest . Don’t get me wrong I like the posts about Daily life , but like most obese people (including myself) it’s a lifelong struggle which only few will win. Ur blog is rather allthelife than alltheweigh if u r honest.

Kenlie

December 4, 2018 at 7:08 pm

Stephan,

I’m confused about your comment because I wrote several paragraphs about my struggle with food. It’s a part of my life, but it doesn’t consume my life.

And while I don’t think the “haters” deserve as much attention as they got just for being hateful, this space is personal. You obviously have the right to read or not read what I write. I understand that it’s not for everyone.

Stephan

Kenlie

December 5, 2018 at 2:46 am

You didn’t offend me. Your comment was just confusing. You accused me of lying to myself, which makes it seem like you didn’t actually read anything I wrote. Even so, it’s okay. I’m not offended, and I wish you the very best!

I liked your post! I am the same…I’m a happy person and usually (I say usually because when I do feel stress I will feed it) don’t eat due to emotions. I do show love and accept love with food.

For me…I know I’m a food addict. I simply eat because of those endorphins that rush around in my brain when I get that ‘ahhhh’ feeling when I eat something delicious….and then I just can’t stop eating that food…even though the ‘ahh’ moment is only the first bite or two!

But anyway…I digress. What I most loved about your post is that you admit that you still want to lose weight but you are mostly showing us through your words that you love yourself…at this weight…10 pounds heavier and 10 pounds lighter….the appreciation you have for yourself is not based on the scales…

I have also been a reader for many years! You are an inspiration to me and many others. Even a pound lost is a victory! Imagine what we would weigh had we never lost the ones we did between the gains?!?! Right?!? I am just rejoining the same crusade as you now…I am not rejoining WW since I know what to do I just don’t do it but I am making a commitment to myself to make my weight loss a priority again! Good luck to both of us! You will always be an inspiration to me! Hugs

Tracey

December 6, 2018 at 5:45 pm

I’m a little late catching up on my blog reading. I am a WW member and am really liking the new changes. I know that everyone seems to have to tweak the plan to work for them. With so many zero point foods, I still make an effort to weigh and measure my foods so that I don’t overindulge. I keep the mindset that just because it’s zero points doesn’t mean it’s zero calories. I hope that you enjoy the new plan! Best of luck on your journey!

Rebecca

I AM a WW member. My journey with WW started in 2010 on the original point system which changed to points plus 3 months later…between those 2 programs I lost 40 lbs and became a lifetime member….I happily walked away and well, you know what happens. I rejoined many times and just couldn’t get my head back in the game. I returned right before smart points came out. I have a love/hate relationship with smart points….when freestyle came out I realized they had moved a step closer to making everyone part of their simply filling plan. But that wasn’t to be….. I think freestyle is a great program and despite still attending meetings I just haven’t been able to get my mind back in weight loss mode. I know I have to though….so I’m recipe searching and planning and setting goals to start the new year out right. My mind may never go back into weight loss mode…I’m probably just going to have to force it and hope it becomes habit

Paula

January 28, 2019 at 2:03 pm

I just found your blog in hopes of figuring out how to lose this extra weight I have been carrying for too long. I plan to keep reading more. I don’t do weight watchers. I just couldn’t deal with the meetings or public weigh ins.

Such an honest post about the struggle with food. I feel you. Food is a temptation hard to resist and I see so many people that do not resist. I have to for medical reasons. Thank you for your honesty.

rebecca

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