Day 206: Hope and Futility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody and to live as a pattern of energy awareness within my mind of superiority within belief, in relationship to the actual physical world and in separation from myself as part of this.

Here I continue this walk through Hope relationships that I have made and lived in which I became a passive observer, living as a belief within my mind.

Hope that floats above futility – here an energy cycle, of grasping onto a feeble positive, that can then be bolstered up and strengthened by imagination, which then becomes exhausted, and then is willingly overwhelmed by a surge of negativity, as ‘futility’, a word containing a mixture of beliefs – the inevitability of failure, and the reminder of the curse of being not good enough, the image of self as powerless to change, the wavering experience of beingness enslaved in energy, the uncontrollable relationships to feeling and emotion, and mostly fear. Hence ‘inevitability’ and ‘curse’ and ‘fate’, the programming, the consequence accepted in this loop, as if written in the book.

But then to the source of negativity itself – the fear of shame – the realization of the self that hides within this lie – controlled and manipulated with brief glimpses of the dirty deed, like a flash of the evidence that would be all that is necessary for the blackmailer to get some cash – rather than seeing the truth of self in the exposure, I have chosen to live as the energy reaction to that exposure, in systems essentially to protect me and defend me from who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to an existence as a system of energy as a secret consciousness that stands on my belief in which I have accepted and allowed self intimacy to be unbearable.

Here is a set of physical reactions to a self judgement where I have listened to a backchat that has pierced through me very quickly, a short sharp shock, a global flash of adrenaline, a fear I have done wrong, the reality of which is apparently proven because I see it in my mind as if through the eyes of others. Yet what I am looking at is a glimpse of shame.

I know the essence of this thought – it is that what I just have expressed has not been a presentation of me, but a me that I would like to be seen as – so an accusation of falseness. And believing in this judgement of me as false, I experience me as false, with a sudden collapse of self trust, an experience of hollowness as if seeing myself from the outside –

I commit myself to when and as I experience this self attacking backchat in my mind, I stop, and I breathe, I realise that within this falseness accusation there is a truth about myself that I can access, rather than avoid or suppress or react to, the question such as what is it in this expression of myself that I am showing me that I want or do not have, do not allow myself to have. I do not accept this pattern any further where I flinch before my own reality, and take the same old path as who I am as a reaction to myself.

In these physical reactions, it’s interesting that clasping hands together, and bowing head, and clamped down the eyelids, are so much like a posture of prayer. Where the hands are like a physical comforter, and the eyes don’t wish to see, and the bowing head is like submission. In that moment of self judgement and the experience of fear of what I have defined as me, there is also this glimpse of shame. So here in this set of reactions I am abusing my physical body to protect myself from my own emotions that emerge in me, to shut out my own awareness of myself with physically ignoring what I see.

The prayer is as a wish that is based on the belief that I might be saved from this situation- which is my negative experience of myself – here is where I enter into hope and into imagination and make-believe, where there is this positive energy that I am seeking solace in. Solace – that which I am reaching for, longing for, within this prayer of hope. A sort of spiritualized comfort zone. A heaven type existence, where, if I really really really really believe it strong enough then I can make it real, this comfort, sort of basking and waiting in the positive experience of myself as energy within my mind.

After all, with enough faith, you can move mountains… and he that believes in me can have…everlasting life… etc. ( You can investigate this systemization of the Gospels in the Crucifixion of Jesus series in Eqafe.) I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe in believing itself as a virtue and for not seeing and realizing and understanding that I was justifying belief according to itself, and who I was within that, as virtuous, as righteous, with absolutely no connection to this physical reality.

In this image of God implanted in my mind and welcomed by me, as the ultimate example of superior force, an icon of elitism, sitting on a throne being waited on by angels, what is it that he is waitingfor – some servicing of some kind? Or is it that he is sitting complacently in his own glory, giving to all the opportunity of worship while he does nothing? And similarly with the image of a saviour that will some day return, what is he waiting for – the programmed cycle of time to complete itself? – As was written in the book? These images are like accepted illustrations of the energy relationships within my mind – they are the stories that I had accepted and allowed to justify and fortify the energy of hope.

EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.

The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.