Judge me not my shallow friendLest ye be judged yourselfYou abuse the words you preachYou mold them for yourselfBrainwashed hypocrisyJustifies the life you leadForgive me father I have sinnedLay my head to rest again

Living life in total liesJudging othersBelieve what I say or burn in hellTrust in me, say yes I believeDo it now or burn in hell

My Own SaviorMy only comfort is in deathMy only solace, my dying breathFor release, I have prayedThrown past life, not afraid

Life's a bitch, life's a whoreNothing less, nothing moreThere is nothing she would do for meI will end this suffering

Existence of one manHatred with no endMy madness, my sadnessI am my own savior

The voices are callingOut of this life, I'm fallingThere is one choice, that I seeIn raging flames, The Dark One awaits

Existence of one manHatred with no endMy madness, my sadnessI am my own savior

Well, this may be the last time I ever post in here... many emotional times around me.. and well, I guess its all caught me. So.. well were to start.. the immature side of me stuck again, against those closest to me. Well to Amy, Im sorry... Im an ass..and immature idoit whom can't stand things that wont go his way... its the way most describe me... anyways... Im sorry.. i shouldn't of asked to know since i already did anyways.. i was actually prepared for it until it finally came.. then i just stormed off. To everyone else... fuck you too.. not like any of you cared anyways... none of you were ever there for me, none of you ever said a word to me...So..Ill just give you each a big FUCK YOU!. Alright.. so..back to Amy. Amy, Umm..whatelse to say..Im sorry still, you were the one there when i needed you the most, yet I could do nothing for you..come to think of it.. I cant do anything for anyone. Im just a failier... one who can do anything right, maybe Phil was better for you.. Im just a screw up...I shouldnt even talk to you. I dont deserve you... So well..it might help you if i went away for a while... not like I did anything for you anyways.

Btw..with the music..it ould be great if the gender changed from Bye Bye Boyfriend...To Bye Bye GIRLfriend...not that i ever had one..but it fits..

These arnt all written by me..thougha few were..Ilike them though. Funny thing is...I forgot whom wrote them.

Every day I awake, I feel I've give up a little more.It's very little, very slowly.. but I can still feel it.If I only had myself to worry about, I dunno if I'd bother to go on.But I do not only have myself to think about.I have my family. My friends. Other people I know.So I no longer live because I want to live.I live because I have an obligation to live.

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I know I'm not easy to talk to.. I know I'm not easy to get to know.. But just because I'm different, just because I'm not like everybody else.. It doesn't mean I don't feel.. it doesn't mean I don't want.. I need to be loved, just like everybody else! So why am I still alone? Why does nobody like me?

Won't somebody just love me......~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I always smile. Always make jokes.I try to act strong-willed and carefree.But if people knew how I really felt inside, they'd wonder why.They'd wonder how I manage to smile. How I manage to appear happy.I dunno.. all I know is that if I don't smile, I become sad.And if I'm sad, I eventually cry..So I smile, and I laugh, and I joke.. so I won't cry..I just don't want to cry anymore...~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~It's always hard when people leave your life... if they dissapear, or die from you, or simply decides to leave.Too many people that were important to me have abandoned me...And every time they do, I get more afraid of attaching and bonding with someone else, because I fear they too will leave me.I'm afraid, that in the end, I won't dare having contact with anybody, anymore...

Thank you so much for leaving me, when you know how painful it is!Thank you so much for leaving me, although though you knew how important you were to me!Thank you so much for leaving me, even if I begged you not to!

Every time someone abandons me, it changes me, for better or worse.I only hope I manage to make it for the better...~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Below me is my abyss. My void. My giant emptiness.. my End...All that keeps me from falling are these strings.. these thin, fragile strings...These ones, over here.. 'family'And those.. 'friends'This thicker one here.. such a nice girl, a good friend. People like her are hard to come by...But I feel too many strings break, and not enough new ones are made...How long will they be able to hold?-by Me-~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The tears you cry.. are they mine? Or are they yours?Feelings we once shared.. did they never matter? Or are they still precious?Whatever I did wrong.. can't you forgive me?Or was it you who did wrong.. and can't forgive yourself?-by Me-~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~We all wear masks.. because we are afraid of showing our true selves..The more you hide, the heavier the mask, the higher the personal price..My mask is very heavy.....

Well, such a bad week this week was...fighting with friends...fighting with teacher...fighting with everyone it seems. Heh...how'm I ever going to learn to swallow my pride? I cant it seems in this life...you step down and they'll all run you over...you stay with your pride...and well..people think your just obsessed. Oh well...i cant win or lose here...or maybe it I just cant win...a winless cause? Trying to go for a girl when she has many others wanting her before i ever did...sounds enough like a endless journey to make someone notice me...I know I just seem like a Whinney teen at times...but I have a heart beyond my age...and nothing will ever change my insight on things...If i love someone...I will love them...I cant help it if those feelings are in the wrong place at the wrong time...but this that i feel is true...and I'll chase it until I cant find it anymore. I had a dream last night...I was traveling, with a very lovely and smart wife....but we neevr seemed to say we loved each other..it was either one or the other. Do dreams really have a meaning? The woman was shaded...I'll neevr know whom she is...but maybe it means that I could never Love...my heart has been frozen for a while...many lies have also bent my trust in people...but everyone wants me to trust them...now..please tell me..how am I supposed to trust someone whose eyes I cant even look into... If you lie over the net its cause your too scared to let whatever it is out...or your still trying to hide something from yourself...trying to make yourself believe in something, that isnt true..until you make it. But finally, I truthfully do love this girl...nothing will change that unless she'd just say "no not ever" that she couldnt love me...but not only do I love her...i love everything i know about her...her hair, her eyes, her intelligence...and yes...even though it pisses me off most of the time..her never be wrong and never give up attitude, its sooo..like...great...lol. ( I have this thing from wrting from my mind..lol...if names end up somewhere and not somewhere else...its cause I dont process it while typing lol)

Ok well now about me...I know I said i wasnt going to write...but ive been shivering violently, its not even cold, I dont know why...but it scares me...I figured id type this while I wasnt shaking badly...but now i should go...not feeling very well.... ill leave with a few lyrics from a song I like :

Nick Lachey-This I Swear

You're there by my sideIn every wayI know that you would not forsake meI give you my lifeWould not think twiceYour love is all I need believe me

I may not say it quite as much as I shouldWhen I say I love you darling that means for goodSo open up your heart and let me inAnd I will love you 'til foreverUntil death do us part we'll be togetherSo take my hand and hold on tightAnd we'll get thereThis I swear

I'm wondering how I ever got byWithout you in my life to guide meWhere ever I go the one thing that's trueIs everything I do I do for you

I may not say it quite as much as I shouldWhen I say I love you darling that means for goodSo open up your heart and let me inAnd I will love you 'til foreverUntil death do us part we'll be togetherSo take my hand and hold on tightAnd we'll get thereThis I swear

So when ever you get thereJust reach out for meI'll never let you down my love

And I will love you 'til foreverUntil death do us part we'll be togetherSo take my hand and hold on tightAnd we'll get thereThis I swear

And I will love you 'til foreverUntil death do us part we'll be togetherSo take my hand and hold on tightAnd we'll get thereThis I swear

This is something I wrote...It completely sucks, I know...but I figured It sounded somewhat nice while I wrote it...heh...funny thing..oh well..I worte it during My time in ISS ...boring really..but here it is...

Darkness of mind/ Self- Prison

My mind is full of darknessa darkness that darkness can not penetrate...

My heart...frozen...and has come to be shaped as a demon of horns...for I may not care nor love again...for all I am filled with is hate, envy, and worst of all...jealousy.

My outest shell, the very essencse that I have come to look at in the mirror...has been twisted and bloched with a look...a look that the witch, swamp mist or even the oldest flower could not stand to watch without wilting or turning away....

The very few I have come to once know as friends...now are know as strangers to me...for they have more then one face that I could see...Im blinded by the hate and fire in my eyes...yet..I have felt their pain as my own and taken it onto my own body...Ive finally begun..begun to learn what the words 'true friendship' has become to be known as.

Yet, even then there is still the darkness that surrounds my mind and the coldness of my heart. maybe one day someone will be able to break it and cut through the shadows....untill then...I lie in my prison of the mind...my self-prison...until finally some..comes along and frees me from myself...

Well, I guess this will be my last post...Im tired of letting everything come between me and what I want...I always go for whatever everyone else wants. Well..nows my time time...i love how people will just cram something down your throat until you finally snap...and how others will keep you waiting until you finally give up and let them have their ways. I could compare this one girl i know to Queen Elizabeth "the virgin queen" Well they're both alike in a way...Elizabeth never got married...where this girl...well she doesnt want to get together and have a relationship...for what reasons for the two..i dont know...but another way...Elizabeth..used the people she had in line to marry here to her advantage by gaining part of their land..where this girl just seems to keep men in line to gain friends...i dont know whats the deal with friends...but...I dont trust them...they'll turn around and stab you in the back first chance they get...Ive been on the wrong end of that very many times. People will say that I had a troubled childhood...they cant really say that being I had probably the childhood from hell... I had to live my life so far without knowing my father...my mother love to date as many guys as possible..each of them being able to lay me out without trying..which would make me feel weak and annoyed...that probably the reason why I am the way i am now..oh well...not like people would care. I should really just keep this inside...but you see a good friend told me to let it out..it's better that way...i still dont see the way that helps. Ok ...now...where else to start...ahh..here we go...Theres this girl I absolutly adore...she couldnt get much more prettier then most girls I know...and shes about the only one out of the pretty ones that have a brain...now Im not saying that this girl is like...the greatest...that'd be wrong...she has her faults..temper being one of them...but if you really love someone ...you can see past that..and work with it...the oen saying goes "If you love someone, let them go" or something like that...why let them go? If you let them go they wont know about your love and you'll lose in the end...and if they did know about the love..well..why would they leave in the first place unless they didnt like you? Just some things to think about. You know..while writing this made me think more about what i am really writing about...there probably be no more posts here..but still...I think i might not leave...though there has been some obstacles between Amy and I...well now its like a steel wall but still...Im sure we'll work it out one of these days..i just need some people to understand the kind of care I have for her....and if i ever would have lost her...everything could go down hill form there...btu she does mean the world to me..Im just not showing it like i should..because..well I dont think I would come out doing all that well...

Got bored, someone was suppose to E-mail me last night, I thought at least..oh well..just a song for today..maybe until later....

Loser- 3 doors downBreathe in right away, nothing seemsto fill this placeI need this every time, take yourlies get off my caseSome day I will find, a love that flowsThrough me like thisThis will fall away, this will fall away

This is getting old, I can’t break theseChains that I holdMy body’s growing cold, there’s nothinLeft of this mind or my soulAddiction needs a pacifier, the buzz ofThis poison is taking me higherThis will fall away, this will fall away

Well, today hasnt been a total disater...well...its just begening too. Hmm...i wonder what else I could do wrong...*ponders* well..maybe ill think of something later. So well...I lost a friend, we were just getting too close...and the closer I got I just didnt seem to connect like we did that so long time ago...heh. Funny how that works out. Anyways I think it was for the best of it, she wasnt too happy with one of my other friends, there wa this one time when me friend, well she went off on me and I didnt do anything and the one I lost well she didnt like it and she got scared of the girl lol....Pretty funny actually...but I knew that girl and figured that she was just stressed out that day, anyway I liked her at that time, until I found out thats theres a significant other...well...oh well...not much to give up my life for, though ive been close a few times. I actually had the knife...but shhh...dont tell anyone...eh. Hmmm well...so there must be a way to get rid of mister significant...id open up to show my real self...but no ones ever seen that from me....no one at all....well maybe except my mother..but still...I dont know how exactly she'd take it and that could be the final straw for us, on another note for a second...its funny how i havent used any names here...Im getting good lol. Ok back to this...well...then again that could solve my troubles....she either likes me for me...or then again...she'd just go for the ass....well thats what I think of him....he I dont think is good enough for her...neither am I but hes just not ...shes deserves soooo much better then anything anyone could give her. I think one of these years....ill take her to travel the world....she might like that...just as a friend...hmm sounds nice. Well i think i wrote enough....but well Ill go now...talk to the wall once more later i suppose....I like talking to the wall...it listens so much....Oh...Well...umm...Amy...I hope the Exam went well....ive misse doyu the last few days *hugs and kisses* ;) Im sure you did well...you always will...8winks and walks off*

I seem to have found an explanation for just about everything Ive been doing, wanting a relationship...and everything else...I suppose Im just in a hurry to get my life finished...sooner or later ill want to die just as badly as I want to grow up right now...I pretty much found my answer in a song, It really caught my ears with the lyrics...but still..music should stay music...yet it seemed so like me...I guess..maybe I havent...but this wanting to grow up so fast is getting out of my control...its like Im a whole new person when it happens...Maybe no one will ever know the real me? On line...i feel like a different person, yet anyone I ask will say Im Cute or Sweet...but In this "Real world" ( btw...how can they call it a real world? When everything is just about electronic...and love Isnt real...) Im just a 'geek' or an annoying loner that doesnt need to do anything yet hes smarter then most could imagine. So..well..i dont know what to think anymore...everything seems so real...yet I want it all to speed up...what am I missing anyways? Theres nothing in this age for me...Maybe I would be different if she just would have been mine...alright im not going to type must more..now im thinking and typing what I think...that could get trouble started...So ill leave you with a song...and ill be gone

( Chorus : )I'm In A Hurry To Get Things Done(Oh,) I Rush & Rush Until Life's No FunAll I Really Gotta Do Is Live & DieBut, I'm In A Hurry & Don't Know Why

Don't Know WhyI Have To Drive So FastMy Car Has Nothing To ProveIt's Not New, But It'll 0-60 In 5.2, Oh

( Repeat Chorus )

Can't Be LateI Leave In Plenty Of TimeShakin' Hands With The ClockI Can't StopI'm On A Roll & I'm Ready To Rock Oh,

( Repeat Chorus )

I Hear A VoiceIt Says I'm Running BehindI Better Pick Up My PaceIt's A Race & There Ain't No Room For Someone In 2nd Place

(Repeat Chorus 4 Times)

Heh....a song about me...how I feel actually...

It's been one week since you looked at meCocked your head to the side and said "I'm angry"Five days since you laughed at me saying"Get that together come back and see me"Three days since the living roomI realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell youYesterday you'd forgiven mebut it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry

Hold it now and watch the hoodwinkAs I make you stop, thinkYou'll think you're looking at AquamanI summon fish to the dish, although I like the Chalet SwissI like the sushi 'cause it's never touched a frying panHot like wasabe when I bust rhymesBig like LeAnn RimesBecause I'm all about valueBert Kaempfert's got the mad hitsYou try to match wits, you try to hold me but I bust throughGonna make a break and take a fakeI'd like a stinkin achin shakeI like vanilla, it's the finest of the flavoursGotta see the show, cause then you'll knowThe vertigo is gonna growCause it's so dangerous,you'll have to sign a waiver

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're madTrying hard not to smile though I feel badI'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeralCan't understand what I mean?Well, you soon willI have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeveI have a history of taking off my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at meThrew your arms in the airand said "You're crazy"Five days since you tackled meI've still got the rug burns on both my kneesIt's been three days since the afternoonYou realized it's not my faultnot a moment too soonYesterday you'd forgiven meAnd now I sit back and wait til you say you're sorry

Like Kurasawa I make mad filmsOkay, I don't make filmsBut if I did they'd have a SamuraiGonna get a set a' better clubsGonna find the kind with tiny nubsJust so my irons aren't always flying off the back-swingGotta get in tune with Sailor Moon'Cause the cartoon has got the boom anime babesThat make me think the wrong thing

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're madTryin' hard not to smile though I feel badI'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeralCan't understand what I mean?Well, you soon willI have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeveI have a history of losing my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at meDropped your arms to your sidesand said "I'm sorry"Five days since I laughed at you and said "You just did just what I thought you were gonna do"Three days since the living roomWe realized we're both to blame,but what could we do?Yesterday you just smiled at meCause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry

It'll still be two days till we say we're sorryIt'll still be two days till we say we're sorry