Man's not married, but he is dishonest

July 11, 2006

EX-ETIQUETTE JANN BLACKSTONE-FORD AND SHARYL JUPE Q. I just found out my boyfriend of eight months is married. I found this out because I suggested that he move in with my 7-year-old son and me and he said he couldn't because he was married. I was furious, felt like I was really played and called his best friend to ask why, as my friend also, he never told me. That's when I got the real shock. His friend said he wasn't married! He said my boyfriend is lying to me because he doesn't want to move in with my son and me. Now I don't know what to do. A. You don't know what to do? Listen very carefully. Change your phone number. Change the lock on your door and do a little dance because you found out now. Even if he's not married, he's a liar. Why would you want to set up house and subject your son to life with a man who is capable of such deceit? If you've asked this man to move in with you, we understand you must be in love with him and looking toward a future together. And that "love-thing" can cloud your reasoning. We romantics believe that love will conquer all and that the person we love will, of course, see the error of their ways because we are way too great to lose -- and we are on our way out the door because they lied. But, the truth is, if this man is capable of looking you straight in the eye and telling you that he's married when he's not, and risking hurting you and your son, he's not worth the time you took to write your letter to us. We just hope that your son hasn't gotten too attached to him and will not be too hurt by the man's sudden departure. We're not giving you this advice lightly. We have both been single parents at some time in our lives and we know that it can be overwhelming and very lonely. But it may not be for all time, and you can use this time to your benefit. You can demonstrate to your son firsthand the way a strong, independent, loving woman conducts her life. You can teach him the right way to treat a woman -- that real men are honest and straightforward. And you can show him how to benefit from mistakes and not make the same bad choices over and over again. So, with that, this was a setback. But you can turn it into a learning experience for your son and yourself. So give the guy his walking papers, hold your head up high, and once again put one foot in front of the other. We're rooting for you. Ex-Etiquette is written by Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe. They are the founders of Bonus Families, a nonprofit organization, and the authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents."