'Are you gay friendly?' A same-sex wedding checklist

By Megan Willett, Business Insider

Updated 9:07 AM ET, Fri January 3, 2014

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Photos:Same-sex marriage in the U.S.

Carlos McKnight of Washington waves a flag in support of same-sex marriage outside the U.S. Supreme Court on June 26, 2015. The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that states cannot ban same-sex marriage, handing gay rights advocates their biggest victory yet. See photos from states that approved same-sex marriage before the nationwide ruling:

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Photos:Same-sex marriage in the U.S.

Shante Wolfe, left, and Tori Sisson become the first same-sex couple to file their marriage license in Montgomery, Alabama, on February 9, 2015. However, seven months after the U.S. Supreme Court ruling legalizing such nuptials nationwide, Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore directed probate judges in his state to enforce the ban on same-sex marriage. Gay rights organizations swiftly denounced Moore's January 6, 2016, order.

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Photos:Same-sex marriage in the U.S.

Newlyweds Jeff Delmay and Todd Delmay hug during a marriage ceremony in a Miami courtroom January 5, 2015. Florida began allowing same-sex marriages after a federal judge struck down the state's ban.

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Photos:Same-sex marriage in the U.S.

Chad Biggs, left, and Chris Creech say their wedding vows at the Wake County Courthouse in Raleigh, North Carolina, on October 10, 2014, after a federal judge ruled that same-sex marriage can begin in the state.

From left, plaintiffs Moudi Sbeity; his partner, Derek Kitchen; Kody Partridge; and Partridge's wife, Laurie Wood, celebrate after a news conference in Salt Lake City on October 6, 2014. The U.S. Supreme Court cleared the way for same-sex marriage in Utah when it declined to hear the state's appeal of a lower court ruling.

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Photos:Same-sex marriage in the U.S.

Abbi Huber, left, and Talia Frolkis exit the City County Building in Madison, Wisconsin, after applying for a marriage license on October 6, 2014.

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Rob MacPherson, right, and his husband, Steven Stolen, hug during a news conference at the American Civil Liberties Union in Indianapolis on October 6, 2014.

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Mary Bishop, second from left, and Sharon Baldwin, right, celebrate with family and friends following their wedding ceremony on the courthouse steps in Tulsa, Oklahoma, on October 6, 2014.

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Jennifer Melsop, left, and Erika Turner kiss after they were married in front of the Arlington County Courthouse in Arlington, Virginia, on October 6, 2014.

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Pastor Carol Hill from Epworth United Methodist Church speaks during a marriage-equality ceremony at the Kathy Osterman Beach in Chicago on June 1, 2014. The date marked the first day that all of Illinois' 102 counties could begin issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples.

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William Roletter, left, and Paul Rowe get close after having their photo taken with their marriage certificate May 21, 2014, at Philadelphia City Hall.

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Julie Engbloom, left, and Laurie Brown embrace after marrying in Portland, Oregon, on May 19, 2014. A federal judge struck down the state's voter-approved ban on same-sex marriage.

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Jennifer Rambo, right, kisses her Kristin Seaton after their marriage ceremony in front of the Carroll County Courthouse in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, on May 10, 2014. Rambo and Seaton were the first same-sex couple to be granted a marriage license in Eureka Springs after a judge overturned Amendment 83, which banned same-sex marriage in Arkansas.

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Same-sex couples get their marriage licenses at the Oakland County Courthouse in Pontiac, Michigan, on March 22, 2014, a day after a federal judge overturned Michigan's ban on same-sex marriage.

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On November 13, 2013, Hawaii Gov. Neil Abercrombie, left, and former state Sen. Avery Chumbley celebrate with a copy of the Honolulu Star-Advertiser after Abercrombie signed a bill legalizing same-sex marriage in the state.

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Utah state Sen. Jim Dabakis, left, and Stephen Justesen acknowledge the crowd after being married in Salt Lake City in December 20, 2013.

On October 21, 2013, Cory Booker, right, officiates a wedding ceremony for Joseph Panessidi, center, and Orville Bell at the Newark, New Jersey, City Hall. The New Jersey Supreme Court denied the state's request to prevent same-sex marriages temporarily, clearing the way for same-sex couples to marry.

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Photos:Same-sex marriage in the U.S.

A couple celebrates at San Francisco City Hall upon hearing about the U.S. Supreme Court rulings on same-sex marriage on June 26, 2013. The high court cleared the way for same-sex couples in California to resume marrying after dismissing an appeal on Proposition 8 on jurisdictional grounds. The court also struck down a key part of the Defense of Marriage Act, a 1996 federal law defining marriage as between a man and a woman.

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At the state Capitol in St. Paul, Minnesota, Gov. Mark Dayton signs a bill legalizing same-sex marriage on May 14, 2013.

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Delaware Gov. Jack Markell holds up legislation on May 7, 2013, allowing same-sex couples to wed in the state.

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Rhode Island state Sen. Donna Nesselbush, right, embraces a supporter after the Marriage Equality Act was signed into law at the statehouse in Providence on May 2, 2013.

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Jamous Lizotte, right, and Steven Jones pose for photos while waiting for a marriage license in Portland, Maine, on December 29, 2012.

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On March 1, 2012, Maryland Gov. Martin O'Malley, center, shakes hands with Senate President Thomas V. "Mike" Miller after signing a same-sex marriage bill. The law was challenged, but voters approved marriage equality in a November 2012 referendum.

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Photos:Same-sex marriage in the U.S.

On February 13, 2012, Washington Gov. Chris Gregoire celebrates after signing marriage-equality legislation into law. Voters there approved same-sex marriage in November 2012, defeating a challenge by opponents.

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Phyllis Siegel, right, kisses her wife, Connie Kopelov, after exchanging vows at the Manhattan City Clerk's office on July 24, 2011, the first day New York's Marriage Equality Act went into effect.

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On August 21, 2010, TV reporter Roby Chavez, right, shares a moment with gay rights activist Frank Kameny during Chavez and Chris Roe's wedding ceremony in the nation's capital. Same-sex marriage became legal in Washington in March 2010.

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Olin Burkhart, left, and Carl Burkhart kiss on the steps of the New Hampshire Capitol on January 1, 2010, after the state's law allowing same-sex marriage went into effect.

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In May 2009, Maine state Sen. Dennis Damon, left, hands Gov. John Baldacci the bill that the state Senate passed to affirm the right of same-sex couples to marry.

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Amy Klein-Matheny, left, and her wife, Jennifer, exchange vows in Iowa after same-sex couples were allowed to marry there with an April 3, 2009, court ruling.

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Michael Miller, left, and Ross Zachs marry on the West Hartford Town Hall steps after same-sex marriage became legal in Connecticut on November 12, 2008.

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Lara Ramsey, left, and Jane Lohmann play with their 7-month-old son, Wyatt Ramsey-Lohmann. The two wed in 2004 after Massachusetts approved same-sex marriage. Massachusetts was the first state to do so.

Even though it appears the political landscape is shifting in favor of gay marriage, getting legally wed still poses some unique challenges for same-sex couples.

There are a series of questions and issues gay couples must face when planning their wedding that hetero couples simply don't have to worry about.

We spoke with Bernadette Coveney Smith — founder and president of the New York- and Boston-based gay wedding planning company 14 Stories and the same-sex wedding style website Fourteen— about the major challenges and questions gay couples must face as they plan the happiest day of their lives.

One of the biggest challenges couples address when deciding who to invite to the wedding is which of their family members and friends are supportive of same-sex marriage.

"Some people don't mind if their nephew has a 'roommate,' but they do have an issue with gay marriage," Coveney Smith explained to us. "It's more an issue with gay marriage than with the relationship."

The question also comes up in relation to vendors, since 29 states don't recognize sexual orientation in their anti-discrimination laws, meaning that it's perfectly legal for a florist or country club in Texas to tell an LGBT couple that they refuse to plan the wedding because they're gay or transgendered.

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"There's also more subtle discrimination: Not returning phone calls or emails, or all of a sudden becoming booked once they realize it's a same-sex wedding," Coveney Smith added.

So unless they hire a wedding planner to do it for them, the couple must come out to every vendor, venue, and photographer they contact. "Many of the vendors I refer my clients to are also gay-owned businesses, so they speak the language, they understand the culture, and they're obviously more than happy to work on a same-sex wedding," Coveney Smith said.

The wedding industry is very bride-focused: Forms and contracts refer to the "bride and groom," vendors say "bridal party," people sit on either the "bride's side" or "groom's side." And most traditional "bridal" magazines portray the norm as one woman and one man.

It's up to the couple how they decide to break those traditions. Choosing what to wear can be a very personal choice, for instance. Do two lesbian brides want to wear two suits, a suit and a dress, or two dresses? Do two grooms want to wear the same tux, or one white and one black? Or does the couple simply want to wear whatever they like?

Tradition also dictates the bride walks down the aisle, but for couples with two brides or two grooms, the answer isn't as obvious. "We often will have the couple walking in holding hands, or if the space works, we'll use two aisles and eliminate the question of 'Who's the bride?' all together," Coveney Smith explained.

And even though most gay weddings are not in a place of worship, that doesn't mean certain religious traditions aren't included in the ceremony that need to be updated for a same-sex marriage. If a gay Jewish couple is getting married for example, the tradition of the man breaking the glass might evolve into the couple breaking two glasses or taking turns breaking the glass together.

Since same-sex marriage is still illegal in certain states and countries around the world, deciding where to go on the honeymoon can be a challenge.

"If they travel together internationally or throughout the country, that marriage is mostly invalid. So they basically have to carry around this extra paperwork [proving their relationship in the case of a medical emergency], which costs thousands of dollars in attorney fees," Coveney Smith explained.

This also affects couples taking one another's name, or creating a new name together. Said Coveney Smith: "If they get a legal marriage in New York and then go back to Texas — that name change wouldn't apply just by presenting the marriage license. They'd have to actually go through the court system to change their name."

And the issue only gets more complicated when children are involved, leading to more paperwork, attorney fees, and issues to address such as second parent adoption.

Even though all of these issues pose a serious challenge to same-sex couples when they're planning their wedding, Coveney Smith encouraged them to remain optimistic and stay true to who they are.

"Don't have a boring wedding if you're not a boring couple. If you really like drag queens (like some of my clients do) then have a drag queen. If you really like go-go dancers, have go-go dancers at your wedding," she said.

"Your wedding should be an expression of who you are, and it should be really fun."