July 06, 2004

KERRY REMEMBERS

Midway through a press conference at a Wisconsin dairy farm, John Kerry suddenly remembers -- hey, I used to live on a farm!

"Let me tell you something: When I was a kid, this 'kid from the East' had an aunt and uncle who had a dairy farm, and one of my greatest joys in life -- in fact, I lived on a farm as a young kid. My parents, when we lived in Massachusetts, we lived on a farm, and I learned my first cuss word sitting on a tractor with the guy who was driving it."

Watch for Kerry’s freshly-implanted InstantMemory™ program to kick in during future press stunts. Here’s John at a NASCAR track:

"Let me tell you something: When I was a kid, this 'kid from the East' had an aunt and uncle who had a NASCAR team, and one of my greatest joys in life -- in fact, I raced in NASCAR as a young kid. My parents, when we lived in Massachusetts, we owned Chrysler, and I won my first race sitting in a Charger with the guy who was driving it."

Here’s John in Muscle Shoals, Ala.:

"Let me tell you something: When I was a kid, this 'kid from the East' had an aunt and uncle who crewed for Lynyrd Skynyrd, and one of my greatest joys in life -- in fact, I was a member of Skynyrd. My parents, when we lived in Massachusetts, we were in the band, and I learned my first guitar solo sitting on a stage with the guy who was playing it."

And here’s John at Caltech:

"Let me tell you something: When I was a kid, this 'kid from the East' had an aunt and uncle who had a department of biochemistry and molecular biophysics, and one of my greatest joys in life -- in fact, I lived in the lab as a young DNA sequence. My parents, when we lived in Massachusetts, we lived in a community of neurons and lymphocytes, and I performed my first cellular division sitting on an electron microscope with the guy who was dividing it."

Posted by Tim Blair at July 6, 2004 03:42 AM

Comments

Wow! He was in Skynyrd?! Details, I want details! Hey, John- Freebird!

"Let me tell you something: When I was a kid, this 'kid from the East' had an aunt and uncle who were in Vietnam, and one of my greatest joys in life -- in fact, I served in Vietnam as a young kid. My parents, when we lived in Massachusetts, were in Vietnam, and I learned my first cuss word sitting on a helicopter gun ship with the guy who was flying it."

I've seen what people like John Kerry call "Farms." They are estates in places like New Canaan, Connecticut where rich people buy a dozen acres of land, put a nice white split rail fence around the property, buy a horse, an Escalade, a tractor, and a groundskeeper in the mode of Larry, Darryl, and Darryl, and call it a farm. Other than manure, the only thing the farm produces is photo opportunities for politicians who don't like being knocked down by sonofabitchin' Secret Service agents.

"Let me tell you something: When I was a kid, this 'kid from the East' had an aunt and uncle who had a meth lab, and one of my greatest joys in life -- in fact, I lived in a meth lab as a young kid. My parents, when we lived in Massachusetts, we lived in a meth lab, and I learned my first cuss word sitting on a pile of Sudafed pills with the guy who was tweaking."

"Let me tell you something: When I was a kid, this 'kid from the East' had an aunt and uncle who were black, and one of my greatest joys in life -- in fact, I lived on a cotton farm as a black kid. My parents, when we lived in Massachusetts, we lived in a black ghetto, and I learned my first cuss word sitting on a watermelon with a black guy who was eating it. He said: ‘Hey f*king white boy, get off my watermelon."

I think Kerry's deperate mind flailed about for a relevant comment and dredged up an episode of "Green Acres". Land spreadin' out so far and wide! I suppose it could have been worse:

"Let me tell you something: When I was a kid, this 'kid from the East' had an aunt and uncle who were shipwrecked on an uncharted desert island, and one of my greatest joys in life -- in fact, I lived on an uncharted desert isle as a young kid. My parents, when we lived in Massachusetts, we lived on an uncharted desert island, and I learned my first cuss word while sitting on the ruined deck of the Minnow with the Skipper, brave and sure."

FINALLY -- A CANDIDATE EVERY AMERICAN CAN CALL THEIR OWN
He's been a handicapped unionist minority farmer.
He's been a right-wing pro-choice born-again southern elderly protectionist pacifist.
He's been a redneck northern liberal ethnic pro-life jewish fixed-income no-nukes gun nut.
And he's been a woman named Frieda.
BILL THE CAT FOR PRESIDENT -- HE'S BEEN ONE OF US.

Let me tell you something: When I was a kid, this 'kid from the East' had an aunt and uncle who [A], and one of my greatest joys in life -- in fact, I [A] as a young kid. My parents, when we lived in Massachusetts, we [A], and I learned my first cuss word [B1] with the guy who was [B2] it"

Entries for [A]
..lived on a farm..
..collected wheaties in a stamp album..
..threw darts at pictures of Dubya...
..voted against it before voting for it...
..adored Michael Moore...
..committed War Crimes...
..married into money...
..wore the latest Fashions...
..opposed the Iraq war...
..supported the Iraq war...

Wow, Bush isn't a good speaker...who knew? I wonder why nobody has ever brought forth this amazing insight before. That's, like, so going to change people's perception of the president, I swear. You so smart, Sincerity Slips!

In a release from his campaign, one of the farms he lived on "straddled" a township line. Maybe that's where he learned it? Seems somehow fitting - and humorous at the same time. Kerry definately needs new staffers.

His sister remembers differently:
from the Time piece at http://www.time.com/time/election2004/printout/0,8816,660967,00.html

If any place comes close, it is a rural town outside Boston called Millis, where the Kerrys settled after the war. They bought a big, pretty house with six bedrooms, multiple fireplaces and a pond where John and his sister Peggy played. "He was a very adventurous, outdoorsy person," says Peggy, who is two years older. "There was a farm next door, and John used to like to play there and in the woods."

Of course, this wouldn't remind anyone of Ronald Reagan, who told both Yitzhak Shamir and Simon Wiesenthal that he was present at the liberation of a death camp during World War II and - in response to criticism of his Nicaragua 'policy' - claimed "they haven't been there. I have", when he hadn't.