"So...I die because I fell in a mud puddle? That seems a little weak, frankly."

Legend of the Bog seems to want to do for monster movies what Shaun of the Dead did for zombie films. But in its half-hearted, semi-literate stabs at camp, Legend of the Bog grossly underestimates what would even be required of a monster movie in order to occupy a Saturday midday time slot on the SyFy network, let alone what it takes to achieve cult status.

For all of its cheesy, winking-at-the-camera “We’re in a silly monster movie – ha, Ha!” self-awareness, Legend of the Bog is woefully obtuse. The reason that Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) are so successful with their genre spoofs is that even as they send up the cinematic clichés inherent in those films (zombie and cop buddy thriller, respectively), they do so with an affection and wit that is entertaining and endearing.

Legend of the Bog, on the other hand, is boring and…more boring. And what it’s missing (aside from plausibility and a will to function by its own set of “rules”) is gore; the blood and guts are negligible, at best. This isn’t so much a film for horror or gore fans, so much as bog aficionados and peat fetishists.

The lead monster (a Bog Man who is woken from a 2,000 year sleep by clueless developers in the moss-covered hills bogs of Ireland) does little more than lurch around the set for about 30 minutes looking for water and making low grumbling noises. Yeah, I’ve been there too buddy. Irish hangovers are the worst.

The Bog Man. His secret, scary power is that he is thirsty. For bottled spring water. Preferably flat, but he'll take fizzy if that's all you've got.

With that in mind, below you’ll find a Rental Rehab drinking game to serve as a companion piece to Legend of the Bog. Gather your favorite Irish libations—I suggest a bottle of Irish whiskey, a sixer of Guinness, a couple sixers of Harp Lager and a bottle of Baileys—invite a friend or two, and enjoy the show.

The rules are listed below. Don’t even think of going anywhere near an automobile after playing this game (particularly relevant if you fancy a ride in the Irish countryside) because if you play this, you are going to be exceptionally wasted:

1 shot of whiskey every time someone mentions their profession or lot in life.

Those wanting a challenge can up the stakes: 2 dainty sips of Baileys for every mention of “professor/archaeologist” and 3 slugs of whiskey for Hunter, the hunter. (Example: “I’m an archaeologist, specializing in bog bodies.” “He’s a hunter for God’s sake – hunters hunt!”)

"OK, ok. One last time and I swear I'll stop asking - I'M the professor and YOU'RE the hunter?"

30-second-chug of Guinness every time you hear the words “2,000 years old” or “2,000 years ago”

Slam a bottle of Harp for every mention of the Bronze Age

Earn a bathroom break when you realize that the Bronze Age was not 2,000 years ago and actually, the Bog People were supposed to have lived during the Iron Age. (Note to director and writers. It’s called Google and it takes 20 seconds.)

Throw your drink in your opponent’s face every time the professor talks down to someone. Bonus points if you say something prickish when you do it.

1 minute chug of a black-and-tan every time there is a mention of a Bog Trail

2 sips of Baileys when any character gets into a minor car crash that results in enough stage smoke to supply a Scorpions concert.

Slap your opponent and take a chug of their drink every time someone throws out a “witty” one-liner. (Example: “Have a drink on me and a smoke while you’re at it,” said while dousing a Bog Body in gasoline and lighting a match.)

Take a photo of your opponent puking in the toilet every time the female love interest is visibly ashamed to be appearing in this movie.

Hit yourself on top of the head with an empty beer bottle every time the professor mentions Bog People apropos of nothing

Mix a cocktail for your opponent for every “We’re lost in the woods with a scary monster – time to go farming and tidy up the cabin” musical getting-to-know-you montage

Stand up and sing the national anthem while slamming a contraband Budweiser every time an “American” cast member acts like a dick

3 shots of whiskey every time the writer and director abandon a theme or story development

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