Redstone, WA - (Dec 1) -
In a report apparently leaked to the press by a high
source at the US Department of Justice, early today, a
top ranking Justice Department official has apparently
concluded that the Department should, "Screw this
anti-trust crap -- and let's go after all the really
weird fuckin' shit goin' on inside Microsoft,
cause it'll play a hell of a lot better on Larry King
and Dateline NBC, than anti-fucking-trust."

According to the report, some examples of some of the
"weird shit goin' on at Microsoft" include the
following:

The recruiter stands outside on a busy pedestrian
thoroughfare, leaning against a storefront, a few feet
away from where some large labrador retriever has just,
uh, relieved herself in a large, deep puddle, in the
very center of the busy thoroughfare.

Now the first person who strides briskly and confidently
across the, uh, puddle, without ever looking down or
even noticing it and yet never comes anywhere near
actually stepping in it, should be immediately hired,
regardless of experience, level of education, or any
other qualification or disqualification for whatever the
available position is or isn't.

Inversely, or perhaps contrapositively, or whatever,
anyone who sees the puddle well in advance, yet still
manages to step squarely into the deepest part of it,
should also be recruited on the spot, -- and immediately
groomed to become either Larry Ellison's or
Wired's new image consultant.

2. -- An internal memo indicates that Microsoft
top management tacitly accepts employee malfeasance,
under the general theory that
"without the ability to be lying scumbags whenever they
fucking feel like it, people would not have the moral
strength to be scrupulously honest, every so
often."

3. -- Microsoft's latest online content venture
will attempt to appeal to that vast demographic that
falls somewhere between the "readers" of Playboy
and the readers of Playgirl. The new online and
paper magazine, called Play-Bi-, according to an
internal memo, "still doesn't know what the fuck it
wants to be," and, until it does, will basically just
put Anne Heche nude, on the cover every week, and go
from there.

4. -- Microsoft's new publishing venture,
"Microsoft Publishing Ventures," will be releasing a
whole new line of cross-genre books, this winter. The
first two, which will launch a series of animal books
based on classic literary works, will be titled: Cat
in the Rye and Cat-22.

Conversely, Microsoft's new publishing venture,
"Microsoft Publishing Ventures," will also be releasing
a new series of major new literary works based on animal
books, this winter. The first 2 being, Catcher's
Cradle, and Catch-22 on a Hot Tin Roof.