I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and if the world is a suck pony, then I’m riding it to the nearest non-suck stable.

Perhaps you’ve read one of my many fine self-help books, guaranteed to help you defeat your suckitude:

This Suck Ends Now!

Suck It, Suckers!

The Non-Suck Mindset

#StopSucking

Suck Your Last Suck

The Last Sucki

Suck Street Blues

You Don’t Suck as Much as You Think

Hate the Suck. Love the Sucker.

I’ve helped kings and queens, paupers and poets alike, drop their sucky habits and now I’m here on BQB’s blog to teach you 3.5 suckers how to mend your sucky ways.

Here’s the latest missive from a reader in need of my anti-suck advice:

Dear Vinny B.,

Thanks to all your books, I stopped sucking. Believe. I used to suck real bad. I used to sleep all day, party all night, freebase cookie dough, and get in fights with department store Santas for being too fat. After I woke up in Vegas having given my life savings to a hirsute prostitute named Edwina, I decided, no more. I read all your books, completed your program and now I am a bona fide non-sucker. I have the certificate from Vinny B’s Online College of Anti-Suck Studies to prove it.

It’s been years since I’ve sucked now. My life doesn’t suck at all. I’m rich. Handsome. Good looking. In great shape. The world is my oyster.

Unfortunately, I fell in love with a woman who sucks. Like, really bad. She seemed great at first, but after the initial honeymoon phase wore off, I got to know the real her, warts and all, and boy does she suck.

The sucky highlights:

Farts regularly. Keeps a notebook where she ranks her farts on a 1-10 system based on length, depth and bass.

Wears only sweaters featuring bedazzled kitty kats.

Kicks homeless puppies for fun and sport.

Projectile vomits on me three times a day.

Writes Firefly fan fiction.

Has attempted to sell me into the underground world of international sex slavery no less than 17 times. You’d think after the first time I woke up in the all male harem of a wealthy Arab prince, I would have learned better, but fool me once, fool me a bunch more times.

Eats all my cookies. I was saving those.

My family says as a non-sucker, I can do so much better, but I love this sucky woman so much. Can a sucker and a non-sucker ever find true love together?

Sincerely,

Confused in Chicago

Boy, Confused. Your dilemma sure does suck.

But you know, it’s not uncommon amongst former suckers turned reformed non-suckers.

There’s two answers to your question. Yes and no. I know, that answer sucks, but let me explain.

On the one hand:

You used to suck. Then you did the hard work to not suck. You walked the long non-suck path. You climbed the tall non-suck tower. You sailed through the ocean of suck to the land of non-suck on the other side.

You don’t suck anymore. And that’s the best. Non-suckers who earn their non-suck have the sweetest non-suck because they appreciate it more, having conquered the non-suck journey.

After all that work, you deserve someone who does not suck. And statistics show that the couple who doesn’t suck together, will stay together.

You don’t suck and you need a non-sucker to reinforce your non-sucky habits.

Non-sucker couples spend their days exercising. Going to yoga classes. Drinking tasty, nutritious fruit juices. Shopping for window treatments and entertaining the elderly with their own ukulele covers of popular songs.

Meanwhile, sucky couples sell their butts for cocaine, watch reality television all day, kick the elderly and steal their social security checks and overall, they smell very bad.

Is it possible for a sucker to love a non-sucker? Sure. You know why you do? Empathy. You used to suck. You will always remember how it felt to suck. Ergo, you feel bad for the suckers of the world.

However, no one ever said that not sucking is easy. Therefore, you have to abandon the sucky before they suck you down into their world of suck and turn you back into the sucker you worked so hard to stop being.

Is it possible for a sucker and a non sucker to sustain a long lasting love? Sure. Practical? No. When you want to run a marathon, she’ll want to set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. When you want to write a sonnet, she will want to knock over a liqour store. When you want to paint a painting, she’ll want to burp stirring renditions of show tunes.

If it works, you’d have to be the rare couple who compartamentilizes their relationship. When she wants to suck, she’ll have to go somewhere and suck on her own. When you want to not-suck, you’ll have to not suck on your own. Can she come and sit back and cheer you on while you don’t suck? Maybe. But it would take the rare sucker who wouldn’t be jealous of your non-sucky ways.

I don’t think it’s possible and my advice would be to tell this sucker to go on her own non-suck journey. Maybe buy her all of my anti-suck books, available wherever books that don’t suck are sold. You never know. Losing you might be the catalyst she needs to walk over the coals of suck fire to reach the promised land of non-suck.

Whatever you do, don’t let her drag you back to the world of suck. Suck is something you only escape once and the more you get pulled back into it, the less likely it becomes to escape it again.

Thanks for the letter, Confused. Until next time, this is Vinny B saying good luck, and don’t suck.

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m sucking the suck out of the world so you don’t have to.

Perhaps you recognize me from one of my many fine books which describe in detail how you no longer have to suck:

How Now, Brown Suck Cow

John Livingston Suckgall

De-suck You, De-suck Me, De-suck it Together, Naturally

Stop the Suck World, I Want to Get Off!

When a Problem Comes Along, You Must Un-Suck It

How to Win Friends and Avoid Sucky People

I’m Mad as Hell and I Don’t Have to Suck Anymore!

Today’s question comes from a big ole suckface in Pismo Beach, Florida. Wow, it’s so nice and sunny, you’d have to be a big super sized sucker to suck in a place like that.

Dear Vinny B,

I’ve sucked so hard and for so long that I don’t even remember where all the suck began and I’m not sure how to even find a way for the suck end. Sometimes, when I think about all the things I have to do to not suck, I feel so overwhelmed that I begin to engage in sucky behaviors, like smoking crack, banging discount prostitutes with STD laden, gangrenous vaginas and eating Tide pods. So many Tide pods. Sometimes I just sit down in front of the TV and eat a whole bucket of those things. I’ve died seven times already and the doctors tell me they doubt they can bring me back again and I should stop eating Tide pods but I can’t help it because I suck so much.

Here’s the deal. Your life didn’t suck itself up overnight. I’m sure it took many, many years worth of steadily, increasingly suckier activities until you became the great big sucker that you are today.

Maybe at one point you were great – young, vibrant, healthy, good job, you were going somewhere. Then, you started to suck a little. Maybe you stopped shaving everyday. Maybe you stopped caring about your appearance. Maybe you didn’t keep your desk, office, car, or home or anywhere else clean.

Maybe you started with an extra drink. Then two. Then five. Then twelve. Then came the crack, the smack, the horse tranquilizer and then the Tide pods. Boy, people have really been sucking themselves up with Tide pods lately. Don’t eat them, people. They suck and they’ll kill you and that would suck.

Slowly but surely you took a new, sucky step down the ladder of suck into the great sewer hole of suck-dom. Now you’re down there in the suck sewer, covered in so much suck muck you don’t know how you’ll ever get to the suck free top again.

Simple. Just as you plunged into suckitude one step at a time, so too will you step up into a suck free life, one step at a time.

Today you’ll start shaving. Tomorrow, you’ll start dressing better. The day after date, you’ll cut down on the booze. As time goes on you’ll cut out all the substances (though the Tide pods must be cut instantly.)

Seek counseling and a support group and therapy and treatment for your various addictions. There are many professionals who are quite adept at curing sucky problems like yours.

Rome wasn’t built in a day and your sucky life won’t be unsucked in a day, or a week, a month or even a year. Take each day is it comes. Find as much suck-free enjoyment as you can whilst still trapped in your suckitude. Slowly but surely, make incremental and positive changes that build up your suck free life and build up your immunity to suckyness.

Think of all the years you wasted wallowing your suck. Think how quickly those years went by, how happy you’d be if you’d stepped onto the slow but sure path onto a suck free journey years ago.

If you try to de-suck all of your suck instantly, it’ll be too much – a Herculean task for even the most advanced non-sucker. De-suck little by little, taking baby steps towards an overall end game of a suck free life.

You’ll get there, my friend, but you didn’t dick this suck hole overnight, and you aren’t going to fill it up with suck-free dirt overnight either.

I know it can be hard to sit there and think how far away a suck free life is, how much needs to be done before your life won’t suck anymore that it seems so surreal that your life could do anything but suck, but trust me, a suck free life is not a fairy tale. If you believe you won’t suck, then you will achieve a life that doesn’t suck.

Good luck, don’t suck, and FYI, my new book, “Good Luck, Don’t Suck” is now available at a book store near you that doesn’t suck.

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m anti-suck ninja using my fists of fury to knock the suck out of big fat suckers the world over.

Do you suck? You know, you don’t have to suck anymore, especially when you can buy one of my many fine anti-suck books, guaranteed to help you mend your sucky ways:

You Don’t Have To Suck Anymore

You Don’t Have to Go Home and Suck, But You Can’t Suck Here

Bring in Da Noise, Bring Out Da Suck

Who Let the Suck Out?

Coming to Terms with Your Inner Suck

I Cast You Out, Suck!

Everyone Sucks But Me

I Suck, You Suck, He Sucks, We Suck

Beyond the Valley of the Suck

The Anti-Suck Workbook

101 Ways You Suck

How to Stop Sucking in Twelve Easy Steps

3.5 readers, when it comes to food, there’s a big old suck/anti-suck paradox. In moderation, good food does not suck. Nope, it doesn’t suck at all. In fact, it’s really delicious.

Alas, if you eat too much food, it’s easy to get fat and in doing so, suck up your health and suck up your life. Just look at this letter that a big old sucker sent to me:

Dear Vinny B,

I’m a big fat sucker. I don’t like to admit it but I am. It started innocently enough. An extra helping at dinner. An extra slice of pizza. An extra glass of soda. Pretty soon I was busting out of my pants and buying extra sizes. Worse, whenever I try to stop, it’s difficult. My body has become so used to all the fat and sugar that when I try to drop it, I feel like a big fat werewolf that needs to be locked in a cage just to keep me from devouring a pint of ice cream.

I’m so fat that everyone hates me now. Whenever I walk down the street, people go out of their way to walk up to me and say things like, “I hate you because you’re fat” and “You’re a bad person because you’re fat” and “You’re dreams will never come true because you’re a big dumb fat person.” And that’s just my family. You don’t want to hear what strangers say to me.

I try to exercise but I get winded just walking out of my car to the front door of the gym. I try to eat less but by the end of the day I’m sucking down a bag of barbecue chips like they’re the last bag in the world.

What can I do, Vinny? This sucks.

Sincerely,

A Big Fat Sucker in Milwaukee

Hey Big Fat Sucker. I’m sorry to hear about your problem. It sounds like your life really sucks, so let me do my best to help you un-suck it posthaste.

First, let me point this out – fat people are literally the last group where it is acceptable for literally everyone to discriminate against with reckless abandon.

No word of a lie. Go back and watch movies that are even ten years old and you’ll find jokes about race, jokes about sexual orientation, jokes about gender. Obviously, I’m not saying those jokes didn’t suck but since then, we a society have begun to suck less at hurting feelings and so those jokes have been purged from the public square.

Meanwhile, on the rare occasion a fat guy is still allowed on TV, it’s never without stereotypes. Fat people fart a lot. Fat people hide sandwiches all over the place and they run to the bathroom and pull a hoagie out of the toilet tank and eat it and cry. (Not gonna lie, I did that once during my darker, suckier days.)

You never see just like, a nice fat person in a movie who, despite his fatness, manages to help people.

Outside of the media, fat people face all sorts of sucky discrimination. It’s hard for a fatty to get employed. After all, no one likes a fatty. Some of that is valid. I mean, if you’re too fat too run, you can’t expect to be hired as a firefighter or a policeman. On the other hand, if you’re a competent, intelligent fatty, there’s no reason why you can’t be hired for say, a receptionist job, except that the boss will probably prefer his clients to be greeted by a hot skinny chick than someone who looks like they free base whipped cream before they get out of the bed in the morning.

Fat people get all sorts of sucky comments when they walk around all day. There’s a social stigma that has worked to prevent people from saying all sorts of hateful, discriminatory comments, yet literally no one ever thinks twice about shouting, “Hey fatty!” whenever a fatty walks onto a bus.

Sadly, few people trust a fatty. Old ladies have been known to clutch their grocery bags just a little tighter whenever there’s a fatty around. I mean, sure, that fat person is fat, but they aren’t going to steal your groceries. They’re going to go buy their own food and eat it and then be sad.

Often, for a fatty, it’s a vicious cycle. They eat too much. They feel bad. They want to lose weight. They’ll work real hard on it for a week only to see like two pounds tick off the scale when maybe they have a hundred or more to go.

They can literally feel the world giving them the shaft and life passing them by and so it becomes difficult to not just reach out for the only thing that doesn’t say no, the only thing that never denies them comfort, i.e. – food.

You laugh, but if you’ve had any kind of addiction, you’re doing the same thing. Alcoholics, smokers and sex addicts are also putting their bodies at risk, it’s just that, you know, you can’t look at a person and realize right away that they’re an alcoholic or a smoker or a sex fiend. Alas, the fatty’s problem is plain for the world to see.

In short, you can hide an alcohol problem, but if you’re fat, the whole world knows you eat too many donuts.

Big Fat Sucker, there’s probably no advice I can give you that you already don’t know, but I’ll try.

#1 – Forgive yourself.

Hard, but necessary. You hate yourself for ruining your life with food. You can see how good life has been for skinny people and you want in. You’re mad you’ve missed out on it for so long. Stop beating yourself up…you have to. The more down you get, the more likely you’ll reach for the fridge.

# 2 – Exercise

Not easy and maybe at first you won’t be able to do much, but a little everyday builds up and eventually you’ll be able to exercise a lot.

#3 – Eat less and better.

A no brainer. I feel like I’m insulting your intelligence by saying this.

#4 – Recognize You’re an Addict

Recovering alcoholics stay out of bars. Recovering fatties should stay out of pizza parlors, candy stores, places that could trigger a fatty relapse.

#5 – Stay Away from Negative People

For some reason, people like to get into each others’ business. If you’re a recovering alcoholic, no one will ever shove a beer at you, but if you’re a recovering fatty, everyone shoves food at you and they act like you’re a dick if you don’t take it. The average person just sees food as a nice thing. They don’t understand what it does to you.

Thus, you’ll go to a friend’s party to be polite. You’ll sit there and try to sip a glass of water and enjoy a light snack but guaranteed, every asshole at the party will shove hot dogs, hamburgers, cookies, cake, Aunt Gertie’s casserole and so on at you and they’ll act like you’re Hitler if you say no.

You’ll never succeed at trying to explain to these folks your point of view. Just smile politely, take the food, drop it in the trash when they aren’t looking.

#6 – Imagine How Happy You’ll Be

Do you sometimes think that if you had just begun your weight loss journey a year ago, you’d be much happier today? Don’t worry. Just start today because next year will be here before you know it.

#7 – Consider Other Options

Bariatric surgery and other weight loss surgeries might be something you’d want to look into. I can’t really advise you on that. You’d have to talk to your doctor and really you should consult your doctor on any weight loss plan. In fact, BQB’s lawyer reminds you that I’m just talking out of my ass here, so you shouldn’t follow anything I say in this column but rather do your own research.

CONCLUSION

Being fat sucks and like any addiction, it’s not easily beaten. However, it can be overcome and all of you Big Fat Suckers can do it. Just know that your old pal Vinny B believes in you, so drop that pizza, pick up a celery stalk and get on the treadmill.

Most importantly, stop sulking over the years you’ve lost to fatness. Start looking forward to a life as a skinny, non-fat sucker. It’s a life that’s just a few good, non-sucky decisions away.

Glad you 3.5 suckers are back, still joining me in this long, arduous journey to a suck-free lifestyle. You know, they say that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither will your suck-free life. So if it feels like your suck-free life is taking too long, then just pretend you’re a Roman…but not just any Roman – a sucky Roman.

I sure do suck with money! Every penny I earn is already spent before I make it. I can’t help it. I have all sorts of money sucking addictions. Gambling. Shopping. Oh, and I have three ex-wives who suck any leftover money I have right out of my wallet.

The bank’s about to foreclose on my house. My car’s been repossessed. I don’t think I’ll ever retire.

Is there anyway for me to climb down this mountain of suck?

– A Guy Who Sucks at Money from Brooklyn

Wow, Brooklyn Sucker. Your life sounds like it sucks the big one for sure. And you’re right. You’ve climbed up a big mountain of suck. It’s so big you might as well call it Mount Suckeverest.

But I’m pleased to say that with most sucky problems in life, there is a suck-less solution to a big time sucky problem.

To put it bluntly – stop sucking at money! (FYI you can buy my new thirty part book series, “Stop Sucking at Money” for just seven hundred dollars each. A real bargain if you ask me. Check your local non-sucking book store for more info).

Let me go through the typical things that suckers do to suck up their finances:

Gambling

Gambling sucks. Some people can go to a casino, have a drink, have a laugh, lose a little money on the slots and that’s it. Others convince themselves that they’re just one lucky hand away from easy street and so they they throw their money away. And then, just when they’re down to their last couple of bucks, they throw that away too.

This is a situation that sucks. If you can’t control yourself in a casino, then please, make a pledge to never step inside one.

In fact, stay away from all forms of gambling. Lucky scratchers. Lottery tickets. High stakes games of paper, rock scissors. If it’s a game that involves betting, you need to stay out of it or else your life will always suck.

Shopping

Sure, we all need stuff. And yes, occasionally it’s nice to even splurge a little.

But, if you are constantly buying junk you don’t need then you’re going to rack up some pretty high credit card bills.

Exercise some willpower. New shoes? Your old ones are just fine. New underwear? Underpants with holes in them never hurt anyone. Easier access if you ask me.

New gadget or gizmo? It’ll either break or be rendered obsolete by a newer version by the time you bring it home from the store.

Make a budget. Stick to it.

Cut Up Your Credit Cards

Let’s face it. Bankers suck. However, one thing they don’t suck at is sucking up your money. If you’re running up high credit card bills, then sit back and watch as your interest charges pile up.

Many suckers look at credit cards as free money. That’s because these suckers suck when it comes to thinking about the future.

Don’t work for the bank. Work for yourself. If you can’t afford to buy it with cash, then you don’t need it.

Save

Brooklyn Sucker, it sounds like your finances really suck, so I doubt you’ll ever get out from under this suck cloud anytime soon. But, once you do, make a vow to never suck up your money like this ever again.

Start not sucking at saving money. Whether it’s a hundred, ten, or a single dollar, make a contribution to a high interest savings account every week. Over time, it all adds up. Hell, maybe after awhile, you might do some modest, reasonable investing by looking into some decent suck-free mutual funds. Don’t get too crazy. Sometimes suckers are known to get carried away and gamble with the stock market like they do at a casino.

The bottom line is that non-suckers make their money work for them. Money begets money and more money begets a less sucky lifestyle.

Suck-Less Conclusion

The road ahead of you is long and full of suck, Brooklyn Sucker. The sooner you buckle down and stop sucking, the sooner you’ll end up in the highly coveted Valley of Non-Suckitude.

By the way, you can get my new book, “The Valley of Non-Suckitude” at a book store near you that doesn’t suck, for the low, low price of $999.99. It includes a book on beta max and a signed photo of yours truly. I mean, you have sucky money problems, Brooklyn Sucker, so whenever you hear of a low, low, ridiculously low price on a book that will totally change your life, then you really should take advantage of it.

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and when it comes to karate chopping suckyness, I’m a black belt. Perhaps you have read one of my fine anti-suck books:

Who Needs to Suck When You Don’t Have To?

I Can’t Stand This Sucky Feeling

Suck Ways to Saturday

The Suckback of Notre Dame

Suck Out the Suck

Set the Suck Aside

Kiss My Suck and Call It Ice Cream

A Brief History of Sucky Times

All Aboard the Anti-Suck Train

Make America Not Suck Again

Build a Wall Around the Suck and Make the Suck Pay For It

Who Let the Suck Out?

3.5 suckers, I’ve been busy spreading my suck free message across the world, consulting with the rich, famous and powerful and teaching them how to not suck. And when I’m not busy sucking the suck out of celebrities, I make plenty of time to help poor suckers come to grips with their sucking.

Why, just last week I held the “Tenth Annual Gala to Bring An End to All the Things that Make Poor People’s Lives Suck.” It was a rousing success and I’m happy to report that I helped a grand total of 10,000 sucky poor people get started on the path to a suck free life.

But enough about me. Here’s today’s question:

Dear Vinny B,

I’m getting older. Forty is just around the corner and when I look back on my life, I realize that it really sucked. Seriously. It sucked so bad. All the sucky things in life happened to me and none of the non-sucky things happened to me.

Even worse, I made decisions that sucked. I didn’t realize at the time how I was sucking up my life. It didn’t dawn on me until I was able to look back on all the sucky behavior in hindsight.

I regret my sucky past but now I face an even suckier dilemma. Is it too late to stop sucking? I feel like everyone judges me based on my sucky decisions. I’ve woken up and smelled the non-suck, but try as I might, I’m trapped in a suck cycle. I want to not suck but the weight of all my past sucks weighs me down.

Am I doomed to always suck?

Sincerely,

Once a Sucker, Always a Sucker

Wow. Sorry to hear about all that suck, Sucker. That really sucks.

Let’s face the sucky truth. Life has a tendency to suck. Even worse, when we are young, we are trained to think that it won’t suck. All the adults tells us positive things and treat us like mush brained dummies when we are young. It keeps young people from making plans to combat a sucky life.

So, you made some sucky decisions. You did some sucky things and you had sucky things happen to you. You can’t let suck define you. You can’t let suck bog you down.

Yes, we all wish we could take the knowledge we have learned about how not to suck, travel back in time, and give it to our younger selves, only to then find ourselves in a suck free present. Alas, the state of time travel technology really sucks, so we aren’t there yet.

Still, you are alive and you have time to not suck. Sure, you don’t have as much time as you wish you had to not suck, but there’s still time to not suck. Only a sucker doesn’t use all of his time to not suck, no matter how much or how little time is left. Be your least sucky self, always and no matter what.

You regret how much your past forty years sucked? That sucks. Don’t get to sixty and regret not taking steps in the past twenty years to not suck. You had an excuse to suck when you were young. You were young and you didn’t know any better.

Now you are older and wiser. You’ve been knocked around by the sucky world. You know the ins and outs of suck-dom. You know how to curtail your sucky behaviors. You know the suckyness that happens if you don’t. Sorry pal, but you’re all out of excuses to keep sucking, so grab that anti-suck bull by the horns and ride it for the rest of your life.

“Regrets, I’ve had a few,” Frank Sinatra used to sing. So, you have a few, or even a lot. It’s time to wipe the suck slate.

You can’t change your sucky past, but the story of your future has yet to be written. Will you write it with a sucky pen or will you vow to put an end to all your sucky ways for good?

The choice is yours, Sucker. Choose to not suck, always and no matter what. It’s never to late to not suck.

By the way, you can buy my new anti-suck book, It’s Never Too Late to Not Suck at a book store near you that doesn’t suck.

I am a huge fan of your anti-suck books. I have attended all of your seminars and worked through all of your anti-suck lessons. I want you to know you have helped me to stop sucking at my job, my marriage and in so many other aspects of my daily life.

I have a question though. Is it ok to suck at certain things? For example, the other day I was walking down the street and I found a wallet just lying there on the sidewalk. It contained a hundred dollars in cash, but the idea to take it for myself never even crossed my mind. Instead, I used the ID inside to track down the wallet’s rightful owner. He was pleased as this was the only money he had and he needed it to purchase his prescription strength anti-anal wart flare up cream.

As I walked home, I was pleased with myself for having done a good deed. Then it dawned on me: “I suck at dishonesty.”

You’ve always taught me that I should not suck in all things and yet, it seems like dishonesty is something I should suck at.

The question blows my mind but I’ll go ahead and ask it anyway…is it possible that not sucking at certain bad behaviors is a good thing?

Congratulations, Larissa. The student has finally become the master.

Make no mistake about it: the general rule is that it sucks to suck. It sucks so much to suck that I have dedicated my life to helping suckers all over the globe in their efforts to suck the suck right out of their sucky suck bag lives.

Most of the time, my clients come to me in extremely dire, sucky straights. They are lonely, poor, addicted to a variety of unsavory behaviors and more often than not, huffing anything from soiled ladies’ undergarments to model airplane glue. I actually had a client who would dip the ladies’ undergarments into the model airplane glue, but that’s a terrible tale for another day.

The point is that I usually try not to bog down the sucky minds of big fat suckers with confusing concepts. When you suck so much that you can’t even tie your shoes without sucking it up, you can’t handle the more complex lessons found in my advanced courses of anti-suck studies.

What I am about to tell you is such a giant piece of vital, crucial information that frankly, I should charge you for it. But I won’t. Because I don’t suck. And I don’t want you to suck so you must have this knowledge.

Here we go:

Sometimes it is good to suck at something.

I know. Sounds like blasphemy, right?

But follow me on this.

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT SUCK AT:

Your job.

Your marriage.

Maintaining your health.

Raising your children.

Financial stability.

Maturity.

Responsibility.

Makes sense right? There are so many good things in this life that you should not suck at.

Then again, and here’s where we swallow the red pill and follow Alice down the rabbit hole so hang on, there are many things that you SHOULD totally suck at if you want to be a decent, well-adjusted, happy and productive non-sucking citizen:

THINGS YOU SHOULD TOTALLY SUCK AT:

Dishonesty

Deception

Adultery

Alcoholism

Racism

Hate

Theft

Murder

Kidnapping

Arson

Selling Your Spouse to a Sex Slavery Ring Run by Foreign Businessmen/Perverts

Addiction

Gambling

Selling Your Body to Pay Off Your Gambling Debts

…and so much more!

Think about that time when you found the wallet, Larissa. You’ve followed my anti-suck lessons and turned your life from sucking to non-sucking. You didn’t want to suck it up by doing something that sucks, like stealing money from a stranger who needs it for his anti-anal wart flare up medication.

You were confused, so listened to your gut – a gut you have trained through my many, many anti-suck lessons. Though, in theory, you have learned that in most cases, you should NOT suck at something, you realized in this case, it would, indeed, suck to be good at something…dishonesty!

In my advanced courses, the ones I reserve for only the creme de la creme of folks who have utterly mastered all of my anti-suck lessons, I teach about “The Power of Positive Sucking.”

Sometimes referred to alternatively as, “Next Level Sucking,” this skill essentially means that you are able to figure out when you MUST suck at something in order to not suck at something.

I know. You feel like getting out a flow chart and a slide rule, but trust me, the more you dabble in the world of the non-sucker, the easier this all becomes.

Sure, you could have not sucked at dishonesty. You could have kept the cash, thereby sucking as a human being. If anyone asked you where you got the money, you could have not sucked at lying and told them it’s yours, that you withdrew it from your bank account or what have you.

You would have not sucked at lying but by not sucking at lying you actually end up sucking at not sucking. Only filthy degenerate suckers take something that does not belong to them and lie about it. Non suckers suck at lying in order to not suck at life. If you suck at dishonesty and theft, you’ll avoid going to jail, ruining your reputation, and ending up with a sucky suck ass life.

I know it is confusing but there so many instances in which you must suck in order to not suck. For example:

YOU MUST SUCK AT RACISM: I know. This is hard. You’ve spent thousands of dollars and hours on my books and seminars and you know that is time and money well spent. I’ve etched into your brain the need for you to not suck at most aspects of life. However, here you must suck at racism. Sure, you could shout inappropriate names at those outside your ethnic group, but then you’d be sucking up your reputation. You’d be making others feel like they suck and the suck that you put out into the world always returns back to you two fold. Suck karma exists.

YOU MUST SUCK AT IMMATURITY: You are an adult. You must suck at staying up late. You must suck at eating junk food. You must suck at paying your bills late. You must suck at procrastination.

YOU MUST SUCK AT INFIDELITY: In the moment, it would feel not sucky at all to rip the clothes off of and go to town on someone other than your spouse. You wouldn’t suck at adultery at all but by not sucking at cheating you, in fact, are sucking at marriage.

YOU MUST SUCK AT ADDICTION: Sure, you could learn all the ins and outs of addiction the hard way and become the best addict ever, but if you did, you’d end up poor, downtrodden, unhealthy, alone and most likely, dead – all outcomes that suck. So, when someone offers you drugs, be sure to suck at saying, “Yes.”

YOU MUST SUCK AT HATE, DEPRESSION, ANGER, SADNESS

If you don’t suck at these emotions, then you will never not suck at being happy and content.

CONCLUSIONS

3.5 readers, there are so many things you MUST suck at in order to not suck in life. We’ve scratched the surface of these aspects today, and if you are a beginner to my anti-suck lessons, then do try to put the Power of Positive Sucking out of your mind for now and once you have learned to not suck at tying your shoes and putting your pants on, we’ll be able to discuss the more complicated concepts, i.e., the things you must suck at.

Thank you for stopping by. In fact, you might say you sucked at ignoring your favorite blog, which, if you think about it, is an example of positive sucking.

Don’t forget to suck at not checking out my anti-suck books, available at a book store that does not suck near you.

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m going to stick a straw into the world and suck all the suck right out of it until it sucks no more.

Perhaps you have read one of my many fine anti-suck books:

The History of Not Sucking

1001 People Who Do Not Suck

Would You Suck for a Buck? (Not about prostitution).

Unsucking Humanity (Is about prostitution).

Suck Out the Suck

How Many Sucks Must a Man Desuck Before He Can Be Called a Non-Sucker?

Help! My Life Sucks!

The Suck on the Train

Once, Twice, Three Times a Sucker

A Sucky Day in Brooklyn

Pulp Suction

Sucking in Outer Space

The Wheel of Suck

Around, Around the Suck Goes. Where Does It Stop? Nobody Who Doesn’t Suck Knows

I Can’t Stop This Sucky Feeling

3.5 readers, did you suck last year?

Be honest. You know you did.

You sucked at life. You sucked in your relationships. You sucked at home. You sucked at work.

You would not, could not un-suck in a truck, you would not, could not, un-suck with a duck.

Face it. The bad news is that you suck.

The good news is that sucking is not a permanent condition. If you’ve come down with a bad case of the sucks, you are in luck, because this malady is curable.

What did you suck at? Your health? Stop sucking at exercise. Stop sucking at abstaining from fatty foods. Stop sucking at willpower.

Did you suck at your job? Stop sucking at showing up on time. Stop sucking at putting in the extra effort. Stop sucking at communicating with your co-workers.

Did you suck in your relationship? Stop sucking at being faithful to your significant other. Stop sucking at honesty. Stop sucking at kindness. Stop sucking at love.

2016 is in the suck can of history. You can’t change it. You can’t fix it. If you sucked last year, your memories of last year will always suck.

But don’t make your past suckiness ruin your life. You do not have to suck forever. You can grab the suck bull by its sucky horns and ride it all day long until it tires out and it doesn’t feel like sucking up your life anymore.

Here’s my three step plan to suck the suck right out of 2017:

Step #1 – Admit That You Suck

You have to suck at denying that you suck. Don’t hide your suck. Pull your suck right out of yourself and hold it out for all the world to see, then yell, “I suck with the gale force wind of a thousand Hoover vacuums and I will not suck for one day longer!”

As long as you hide your suck, you can ignore your suck. And ignored suck never goes away. Confront that suck.

Step #2 – Develop a Plan to Not Suck

Do you suck at being thin? Make a plan to stop sucking at stopping by the gym every day after work.

Do you suck at meeting new friends? Make a plan to introduce yourself to one new person once a week and strike up a conversation that does not suck.

Do you suck at cleanliness? Stop sucking at doing the dishes, the laundry, and all those daily chores that suck but keep your home from not sucking.

Is there something you’ve always wanted to do? Stop sucking at learning it.

Step #3 – Follow Through with Your Anti-Suck Plans

Whatever you need to do to not suck, do it. Make your anti-suck plan work, then work your anti-suck plan.

Ridding your life of its suck won’t happen overnight, but if you make a commitment to never suck again starting today, then by the end of 2017, you will surely see a tremendous reduction in your life’s suck levels.

This suck won’t un-suck itself, people. You’ve got to stop sucking at making your suck-free life happen. There’s no time like the present to not suck.

Thank you for reading, 3.5 readers, and don’t forget to pick up one of my anti-suck books, available now at a book store near you that does not suck.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: Vinny Baggadouchio holds no credentials of any kind and nothing he says should be construed as advice that you should rely upon. If you suck, you should seek the help of trained professionals who can assist you in unsucking up your sucky life.

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and like a giant vacuum cleaner with a stuck “on” switch, I’m sucking all of the suck right out of this sucky world, one sucker at a time.

Perhaps you have read one of my fine anti-suck books:

Six Ways to Suckday

When a Problem Comes Along, You Must Suck It

Suck Less Now…Ask Me How

Have You Ever Tried to Not Suck?

Suck Free in Sixty Days

Sucky Suckers and the Sucky Suckers Who Suck Them

Get the Suck Outta Here!

Don’t Hate the Suck Game, Hate the Suck Player

The Path to a Suck-Free Life

The Super Suck Cure

Help! I Suck!

Sucker Says What?

3.5 readers, let me tell you, the holidays are great but sometimes they can suck…especially for a person who already sucks.

Think about what a person who doesn’t suck is doing this time of year. The non-sucker is putting up twinkly lights with his kids and setting up the Christmas tree. He’s going shopping with his wife, putting on a tacky yet festive, drinking egg nog and singing carols around the fire with family and friends.

Alas, the average sucker does not have such a wonderful life. The average sucker is alone. He’s warming up a six month old TV dinner he found in the back of his freezer and Netflixing a sucky movie that was made specifically for Netflix.

That poor sucker. Due to his sucky life, he has no one to snuggle with,n o kids to give presents to, and few prospects, if any, of turning his life around.

And yes, as that poor, downtrodden sucktastic sucker falls asleep at his computer, his mind drifts off to the promises he made to himself last Christmas. “By Christmas of next year, I won’t suck! I’ll have a wife who doesn’t suck and be on my way to having kids who don’t suck!”

Perhaps the sucker has some extended family he can visit, but a self-aware sucker won’t be happy. He’ll be miserable. No one wants to be the sucker with a pity invitation. Non-suckers throw Christmas parties at their lavish, suck-free homes. Suckers are invited to them so they can sit in the corner and think about all the mistakes they made to lead to the present day where the holidays suck so bad for them.

You know who else has a hard time on Christmas? The sucker who wrote me this letter:

Dear Vinny B,

The holidays sure do suck. My wife divorced me five years ago because I sucked up our marriage by playing hide the turnip with her sister’s best friend’s cousin’s dog-walker’s wife’s sister. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but not so much now.

Christmas used to be a great time for me. I’d grab a cup of coffee, snuggle up with the missus and watch the kids open their toys.

Now I live in a sucky single-bedroom apartment on the corner of Crack and Meth Streets. I owe a ridiculous amount of alimony and child support and my children are being raised by their step-dad/my ex-wife’s former yoga instructor.

Every year, from Thanksgiving until New Year’s Day, I feel like shoving my head in the oven and cooking the suck right out of myself because I just don’t know if I will ever be able to climb the anti-suck hill in order to get back to the kind of suck-less life I used to have.

Sincerely,

Big Time Sucker in Jacksonville

Wow. That’s a lot of suck to de-suck and dissect.

You know Big Time, I play it straight. I don’t sugar coat things. I’m not going to suck all over your leg and tell you that your leg doesn’t suck now.

What you did was a sucktabulous thing. There’s no excuse for it. That’s the bad news.

But wait. The good news is that you realize you did a sucky thing. So many suckers just suck their way through life with nary an understanding of why they suck so much.

You, on the other hand, feel suck shame and that means you are a self aware sucker. You are mature enough to know the difference between what sucks and what doesn’t suck and that means there is hope for you.

So the first thing I want you to do is to take a look at yourself in the mirror and forgive the sad, depressed sucker staring back at you. Yes, the sucker staring at you in the mirror sucked up your life. He looked at all the non-sucking goodness you had and like a skunk in heat, squirted it with a thick layer of suck spray.

That really sucks, but it has been five years. The mourning period is over and at this point, there’s no use crying over spilt suck. Once that suck is out of the bag, you can’t contain it. You just have to manage it.

The second thing I want you to do is apologize to your ex-wife. She signed up with a man she thought did not suck and did not get the non-sucker that she wanted. Let her know you’re sorry and you know there’s no fixing the suck you brought into her life, but you want to be a man and be a father to your children.

Third, you’re going to put your foot down on the suck and de-suck your life. Be the non-sucker you used to be again. Getting angry at yourself for past sucky behavior is normal. In a way, it is even healthy. However, at this point, you’ve reached a critical mass where anger, self-hatred and self-loathing will get nowhere.

These negative feelings won’t get your wife back. They won’t get your kids back. If anything, they’ll just keep sucking you down, down, down deeper into the suck pit of your sucky life until one day, you find yourself so deep that you can’t crawl back to the suck-free shore and there isn’t a single non-sucker around who would be willing to throw you a suck-free life line.

Improve and take care of yourself. Curb your sucky habits. Exercise. Eat right. Take care of yourself. Work hard at your career and find some passions that don’t suck in your spare time.

When you get time to spend with your kids, be the best, least sucky father you can be. Be a positive role model and maybe, when they’re old enough, apologize to them. Tell them you’re sorry you sucked things up and want to make sure they don’t repeat your mistakes so they can go on to become productive, non-sucking members of society.

Whether you are Big Time Sucker in Jacksonville, or just one of BQB’s random 3.5 readers, keep this in mind. The holidays are a celebration of joy, happiness and love. They are a time to reflect on the past year’s accomplishments and to plan exciting things for the year ahead.

If you feel none of that this season, it is because your life sucks but remember, you are aware of the suck. You are not ignorant of the suck and realizing that you suck is the first step one must take on the long road to not sucking.

Most importantly, remember how bad you feel this year. Don’t ball those sucky feelings up and bury them deep inside. Let them out with a good cry or a loud scream, then spend the next year doing your damnedest to de-suck your sucky life so that next year at this time, you won’t feel depressed. You won’t feel sad. You will be one of those non-sucking people who puts on a dopey sweater and hugs his family over the holidays.

Rome wasn’t built in a day or a year, so no, you won’t fix your sucky life in a day or most likely, even in a year. But a year is long enough to suck a lot of the suck out of your life and you never know, if you put the work in, there just might be a lady who doesn’t suck in your life next Christmas.

Just don’t suck it up this time, Big Time Sucker.

Until next time, I’m Vinny Baggadouchio, wishing you a Suck Free Christmas and a Happy New Year that Does Not Suck.

Don’t forget to buy my one of my anti-suck books at a book store that does not suck near you.

DISCLAIMER: Mr. Baggadouchio is an expert on nothing and has no credentials of any kind. Nothing he says is to ever be relied upon as advice or taken seriously. Those with sucky problems are advised to seek out real experts who are trained in the arts of de-sucking the lives of total suckers.

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m never going to stop spreading my advice to the sucky masses on how to stop sucking until the day comes when the world is entirely suck free.

Perhaps you recognize me from one of my anti-suck self-help books:

This Suck Isn’t Going to Unsuck Itself

Sucking Around the World in Eighty Days

The Suck Cure

Suck Wars: The Suck Awakens

How to Deal with Suckers Who Suck

Why Do I Suck?

Why Do You Suck?

Why Does Everyone Around Me Suck?

Will I Ever Not Suck?

3.5 suckers, here’s today’s request for anti-suck advice:

Dear Vinny B,

I try so hard not to suck but it is not my fault. Everyone around me is a giant suck bag and they keep dragging me into their suck. I’ll never stop sucking as long as I have to be around all these sucky suckers and suck in all of their suck all day.

Really. It’s not my fault. Their suck is sucking me in.

Sincerely,

Sucks in Cleveland

Yikes. That letter really sucks, Sucks in Cleveland.

To adapt a scene from The Godfather III, it’s like you’re Michael Corleone and you thought you did everything possible to remove yourself from a world that sucks and then something happens that sucks and your response is, “Just when I thought I was out of the suck, they pull me back into the suck.”

Look. I get it. People suck. And you live in a world where people suck. It feels like the suck is unavoidable. Frankly, it often isn’t. So much suck comes right at you from every direction.

Second hand suck is very potent. If you’re not careful, sucky people can get their suck all over you and turn you into a big fat sucker.

But you can’t resign yourself to the inevitably of suck. You have to deflect the suck.

STEP 1 – DEFLECT THE SUCK

Often, you can’t beat the suck but that doesn’t mean you have to join the suck.

EXAMPLE:

YOUR FRIENDS: Hey, want to shoot heroin and then knock over a liquor store and punch a nun in the face?

YOU: No thank you. All of those activities sound like they would suck and I would rather not suck.

See? You’ve sidestepped the suck.

Listen, it would be great if you could talk everyone around you into not sucking but often that isn’t possible. Their suck is too strong and suckers will never stop sucking until they are ready to not suck.

In other words, you can’t really hold down all those suckers in your life and force them to not suck, but you can be there to help them when they come to you seeking advice on how to not suck anymore.

Some people just need to hit that rock bottom of suck before they will see the not sucking light and make the long climb up that anti-suck ladder.

Becoming a non-sucker doesn’t happen overnight.

3.5 READERS: But Vinny, avoiding the suck isn’t always that easy or straightforward.

Oh don’t I know it. Case in point:

YOU: Oh I think I will do a lot of things on my day off to prevent my life from sucking. I’m going to hit the gym and then buy some broccoli at the grocery store…

YOUR FRIEND AND/OR RELATIVE WHO SUCKS: No, I want you to sit around all day and watch TV and get fat off of pizza with me…

YOU: No, I’m going to go to the gym and…

SUCKING PERSON: Ugh but I’ll be so depressed if you leave me. Ugh stay and let’s do some hits of elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: How did you get elephant tranquilizer?

SUCKING PERSON: Bah, I know a guy at the zoo.

YOU: Well, I’m sorry but I don’t want to watch TV and get fat and take elephant tranquilizer.

SUCKING PERSON: Waah! You must really hate me. Waaah.

YOU: No, no. I don’t want you to feel like you suck. OK I’ll skip the gym and the broccoli and stay here and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer with you.

WRONG!

Absolutely wrong.

Don’t get sucked into a sucky person’s suck web.

I’m not saying don’t get help for a sucky person. If you’ve got a person in your life who sucks then do what you can to help them stop sucking, but there’s never a reason to join in on the suck.

You don’t want to become suckily codependent with someone. That’s when two people get together and decide to suck and feed off of one another’s suck. They make you suck. You make them suck. It’s just a vicious suck cycle where the suck never ends.

Thus, in the above case, you, as a person trying their best to not suck, should set a good example and try to talk to the sucker about ways to stop sucking. See if they’d be willing to talk to a professional who can help them kick their pizza, TV and elephant tranquilizer habits, but other than that, there’s no reason to suck yourself up by engaging yourself in the suck.

Don’t take elephant tranquilizer just to make an elephant tranquilizer addict happy. And moreover, don’t do something that you know sucks just to avoid making a sucky person feel bad.

Now I get it. Often the second hand suck doesn’t transfer itself that obviously.

YOU: I’m going to go to the gym and the broccoli store.

SUCKY PERSON: Eh, I need you to clean the house and do the dishes, mow the lawn, wash the cat, shine my shoes, whitewash the fence, cook a nice brisket, rub the bunions on my feet, polish the caulk in the bathroom with a toothbrush, pick all the lint out of the carpet with a pair of tweezers, trim my nose hairs, develop a cure for all diseases known to mankind and skip to the lou my darling…

YOU: But if I’m always doing everything because you’re too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer then I’ll never have time to go to the gym and eat broccoli.

SUCKY PERSON: That’s a bitch.

Sucky people are like ninjas. They are very stealthy with their suck. Sometimes they hit you right up front with the suck stick so you see it coming but other times they sneak the suck up on you and you don’t realize that they’ve even sucked you into their suck until you already suck.

So in that case you must…

STEP 2 – WORK AROUND THE SUCK

You’ve got a real sucker in your life and they’re constantly throwing piles of suck at you.

But you don’t want to kick that sucker to the curb because you feel like people who don’t suck should always keep trying to unsuck a sucker and I feel you.

There’s nothing wrong with being a non-sucker and still loving and/or caring about a person who sucks.

So if you feel like you can’t ditch this sucker, then work around this sucker.

Get up even earlier and go to the gym. Stay up a little later so you can go to the broccoli store.

I know. That sucks. Like an acrobat, you’re constantly dodging suck and coming up with new and creative ways to turn suck into non suck but if you’re stuck in a situation that sucks then that’s all you can do. Just keep dodging that suck and keep finding ways to make yourself not suck.

Work around that suck. You know the suck is coming. Don’t let the suck keep ramming into you. Do some fancy footwork and bypass the suck.

If you really can’t then yes, sadly…

STEP 3 – DITCH THE SUCK

Yes. I know. That thought sucks. But if the suck is truly unavoidable, you may have to put some thought into ditching that sucker.

Only you know what your sucky situation is like and only you are aware of your personal level of suck tolerance.

You don’t necessarily even have to abandon a sucker completely. You might be able to lend a non-sucky ear and a non-sucky helping hand from time to time, but if you really feel as though a sucker is dragging you down into a suck vortex, then you’ve got to jump ship and start swimming to the suck free shoreline.

In other words…

STEP 4 – ALWAYS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR SUCK

At the end of the day, life is about choices. Some people face harder choices than others. Some people are put into sucky situations that others couldn’t possibly dream of.

But bottomline you can either sit around and suck and lament and complain about how you live a sucky life because you’re trapped by all the suckers around you or you can pull yourself up and decide that you are not going to suck and you are not going to let suckers make you suck.

I do realize that some people have more sucky suckers to deal with than others but when all is said and done, only you can decide to not do things that suck.

As always, thanks for listening, keep not sucking and don’t forget to buy my anti-suck books, now available at a book store near you that does not suck.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: Vinny Baggadouchio holds no credentials of any kind and nothing he says should be construed as advice that you should rely upon. If you suck, you should seek the help of trained professionals who can assist you in unsucking up your sucky life.

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m sucking all the suck out of the world in order to make it a suck-free place for a new generation of non-suckers.

Perhaps you recognize me from one of my fine anti-suck books:

You’re Once, Twice, Three Times a Sucker

I Once Was Sucked But Now I’m Found

Get Outta My Life and Into My Suck

The No-Suck Zone

Suck Warriors, Come Out to Play (But Don’t Come Out to Suck)

Mad Suck: Beyond Suckterdome

I Can’t Fight This Sucky Feeling Anymore

One Sucky Day at a Time

Non-Suckadoon: My Dream of a Suck-Free Utopia

Get Your Sucky Hands Off Me, You Damn Dirty Sucker!

A Low Down Dirty Suck

3.5 readers, if you suck, I want to know about it.

In fact, here’s a message I received from one of Bookshelf Q. Battler’s readers just the other day.

Dear Vinny,

I have been a giant, economy sized suck bucket my entire life.

However, I recently started reading your anti-suck books and I immediately developed a desire to suck the suck right out of my life and join the world again as a productive, non-sucking member of society.

Alas, I just can’t find the motivation. I have sucked since Hillary Clinton was basically the president the first go around. We all know Bill was her unwitting pawn.

That’s a long time to suck and I just can’t wrap my mind around the possibility that there’s a suck free existence out there waiting for me.

Even though I don’t want to suck anymore, I can’t stop sucking. Every morning, I wake up, fully intending to cease my sucky habits, but sure enough, by noon time, I’m sucking up a storm.

And honestly, I understand. Rome wasn’t built in a day and one simply doesn’t stop sucking overnight either.

You’ve been a sucker for decades. That’s a whole lot of suck to shake off.

I have three important words for you:

STOP…SUCKING…GRADUALLY!

I’m a very inspirational anti-suck advocate. What can I say? It’s a gift.

But what happens is someone reads one of my anti-suck books and instantly they want to purge all the suckyness out of their system pronto.

Can’t be done. Your body feeds off the suck now. The suck is in your blood.

Thus, if you try to quit all your sucky activities all at once, you’ll be back to sucking in no time flat. You’ll go into suck withdrawal and end up sucking far worse than you did before, you big dumb sucker you.

What you need to do is pick one sucky activity, drop that, and then once you feel like you no longer need to perform that sucky action anymore, you can move on to dropping the next sucky activity.

EXAMPLE:

I had a client once who:

Cheated on his wife by having sex with other men’s wives.

Cheated on his dog by petting other men’s dogs.

Cheated on his cat by petting every other cat in the neighborhood but his own cat.

Picked his nose at work and planted the boogers underneath his co-worker’s desk.

Tore tags off of his pillows and mattresses and set the tags on fire.

Spent all his free time writing Firefly fan fiction.

Posted his dumb opinions about the quality of his lunch on social media.

Farted in public with reckless abandon. Also posted about it on social media.

So, I was just all like, “Look, Client. You need to pick one of these sucky behaviors and drop it today.”

And I’m proud to say he did.

My client no longer writes Firefly fan fiction.

He still does all of that other sucktastic nonsense, but he’s been Firefly fan fiction free for a hundred days and counting.

I think he might just kick the Firefly fan fiction habit entirely.

In fact, when he’s up to two hundred days, I’m going to suggest that he start flicking his boogers into a trash can.

He can do it and I’m confident by the end of next year, I’ll get him to stop talking about his lunch and/or farts on social media.

We’ll get him to be loyal to his wife, dog and cat by the end of the decade.

De-sucking yourself is a slow, gradual process, Trapped.

But think about it this way: you didn’t suck yourself overnight, so you certainly won’t fully de-suckify yourself overnight either.

Be patient. All good things come to those who wait to not suck.

And while you’re waiting to not suck, don’t forget to check out my anti-suck books, available now at a bookstore near you that doesn’t suck.