After an amazing week last week featuring three premieres, a zombie apocalypse and walking out on Man of Steel at 2hrs 10mins because I couldn’t be bothered anymore (if I’d known there were less than ten minutes before the closing credits I would have stayed, but I feared an additional 20 minutes of meaningless so-called “action” scenes)…. this week starts with a Monday that also has a premiere. It’s a Jason Statham film, and he’s the patron saint of balding white guys, so obviously I went to pay my respects.

Here’s how it went down…

The movie “Hummingbird” also had alternative / working titles of “Redemption” and “Crazy Joe”. As long as Statham’s got a half-done-up bowtie on the movie poster, though, surely the title is mostly irrelevant?

According to the poster, Statham plays a “Vigilante with a Heart”? Wow. SO it could be like Dark Knight but with a proper romance? I’m totally in.

OOh! The guy who drew pen sketches at the premiere of The Heat last week was back at this one. He does good work, I reckon.

Girl on the right has a much better technique. Also, either has a boyfriend with broad shoulders or is freakishly tall. (Creepy guy in window in distance… is creepy)

Agata Buzek saunters down the red carpet. I’m no fashionista, but I’m going to throw down the word “Severe” to describe her tailored look. (Severe, plus hotel bathrobe.)

<clicks fingers, all irritated>… can’t place the face or name. Help me out, somebody.

Steven Knight directed the film, but is perhaps better known for having written ‘Amazing Grace’, ‘Dirty Pretty Things’ and ‘Eastern Promises’. He’s even been nominated for an Oscar – good news for fans of Clash Of The Titans 3, which he’s apparently agreed to write.

I think I’ve been to four (three?) previous Jason Statham premieres, at each of which the fans and paparazzi were like “Yeah, Jason Statham is totally awesome….. but do you think his model girlfriend will show up, cause with all due respect she’s way hotter”. Fans and Paparazzi tend to me male, it bears mentioning. And here she (finally) is! Rosie Huntington-Whitely.

Oh, look! It’s…. it’s… it’s….. NotNataliePortman?

I appear to have made a connection – now I just need to remember that her boyfriend can probably beat the crap out of me. Also, that I’ve seen cuter blondes. But that was last week, not this week. And it was not at a premiere.

Tattoo on wrist? I can deal with that. Well… not if it’s a death-eater mark perhaps. But otherwise? Not a dealbreaker. (Fans of Jason Statham will be wondering if I bothered to take any of the headline star of the film. The answer is yes. Once Ms Huntington-Whitely went inside. If you’re desperate you can check out my premiere shots of Safe while you wait for that to happen).

Hmmm. Although her presence would be puzzling, I’m not entirely sure that this is not NotNataliePortman. But it’s probably not.

“Babes, I bought you a Hasselblad for Christmas. Why don’t you use that?”“I’m not taking a photo, I’m playing Fruit Ninja”“Oh. Right.”

This lady shows up at almost every premiere, and I’m still not sure what she’s actually in. A Girl Band? A Reality TV Show? A Heavily Leftist Radical Political Party?

The smile of a man who knows what that ‘H’ stands for. I have no idea. My first Leicester Square premiere was in 2008 and it was for Hancock where I photographed Charlize Theron, so I’m going with that. (I’ve just taken a look at that journal. Hmm… I think maybe my photography has improved a little along with my equipment. Pleasing to know!)

Agata Buzek’s filmography doesn’t really show much that I’m familiar with, including “Teraz albo nigdy!”. She was in 22 episodes of that.

It’s Jason Statham!! And yes, I know, and it’s confusing for me as well. It’s like staring into a mirror and seeing an only slightly older, slightly better-dressed me.

I was all set to edit this photo to make it look like producer Paul Webster (the one with the glasses and grey hair) has arms long enough to hug Jason Statham at that distance. But he produced ‘Atonement’ back in 2007, and that was a pretty excellent film.

Jason Statham? Rarely zany, but perhaps occasionally.

“Wait. And this guy’s balding like me? AND with some stubble? AND shoots Pentax? Point him out to me… " Oh dear. It’s not what you think. There’s another girl I like much better and she’s not your girlfriend. (Arguably just as out of reach, mind you, but not your girlfiend).