"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2-4

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness- Hahna's Story

The pain of miscarriage was unreal. The only place I was comfortable was in
the shower.

Every night. All night. For a week straight.

Dallas and I got married when we were 18 and 19 and moved to
Okinawa, Japan shortly after with the military. We got pregnant when we had
been married for a year and a half and after “not preventing” for 7 months. We were
so excited and yet nervous to make that change in our lives when we were so far
from family.

At 9 weeks I started spotting. My husband was in Korea at the time,
so he asked me to go to the ER to ease our minds. I was at the ER for six and a
half hours. They told me that the baby was only measuring 6 weeks but they
didn’t think I would miscarry, just that I found out I was pregnant very early.
That was great news! The night after my visit to the ER is when my sister,
Aubrey, also went to the ER and found out that she was miscarrying. She was 16
weeks along. I didn’t think that it
would happen to me also, although I had many people tell me that miscarriages
are hereditary (which is not helpful).

At 11 weeks my husband
and I had our first real appointment and we were so excited to see the baby
since my husband did not get to see the baby when I was at the ER. The doctor
said the baby was measuring 8 weeks, but the ultrasound looked like an empty
womb to me. I couldn’t tell what he was measuring. There was no heartbeat. He
said it was likely that we would miscarry, but they would do bloodwork to see
where my HCG levels were. I remember the doctor saying things like “it should
feel like a light period” and “you can start trying again when you stop
bleeding”. We left in a daze, but hopeful that maybe we weren’t going to
miscarry, because the information seemed so inconclusive. A week later I got a
call while I was at work saying that my blood tests had gone through and we had
lost the baby. I called my husband and texted my sisters and mom. At 14 weeks,
we lost the baby.

It started at 10pm on April 19th. I started
having contractions. I had never been in labor before but I knew that this was
labor. I passed one clot and thought that was it, so I went back to sleep. At
3am my water broke and the contractions were coming about 1 minute apart. It
was the worst pain I have ever felt. My husband and I ended up in the shower -me
on all fours with the hot water hitting my lower back while I lay my head in
his lap while he rubbed my back. I fell asleep between every contraction. This
happened every night, all night, for an entire week. We both had to take the
week off of work.

It was not at all like I had expected it to be. It wasn’t a
light period, it was labor. It wasn’t fast, it lasted 7 days. We were exhausted
emotionally and physically. I was mad at God and started falling into
depression. My husband was such a light for me in that dark time. He
continually pointed me back to Christ even when I kicked and screamed about
praying or going to church. He always looked at the good that would come from
this, but I was so deep in the bad that I couldn’t see it. Over time my heart
softened, I came out of the depression, and I could see the blessings that came
from that experience.

God’s plan is always better than mine. I have never had
anything terrible happen in my life, therefore I have never felt like I really
needed God that much. He used this experience to prove me wrong. I needed to go
through this to realize that I don’t make the plans, He does. His timing is
always perfect.

It’s okay to be mad at God. He can handle it. He needed to
break me completely to get me to come back to him.

It’s okay to not try for another baby right away. It’s been
a year and a half since our miscarriage and we probably aren’t going to try for
another baby anytime soon. We are happy where we are.

Our marriage has really been strengthened. It was such a
blessing in disguise for my husband and I to see each other in such a real and
raw state. Miscarriages are painful and ugly, yet my husband told me he has
never been more proud of my strength and bravery. I was for grateful for his
love and encouragement through it. We have come out stronger.

It’s okay to be grateful. We are grateful that it happened
to us. That doesn’t take away from how much we loved and wanted our baby. And
how we wish he was here now. We are grateful that we get to share our story and
that our baby brought use closer to each other and God. We are grateful for the
14 weeks I was able to carry our baby and we were able to love him. We are
grateful that because we know God, we will meet our little guy one day.

It’s possible to praise God during the joy AND the trials.
He is still good. He knows exactly what we need. He uses broken people.

It’s okay to let it change you. Embrace the time you have
left with your baby and cherish it. Feel every emotion so you can fully heal.
And let it change you into a better person.

My husband is the best man for me. I never doubted that
before, but through our experience I know 100% that he is exactly what I need.
There is no one I’d rather go through the good and the bad with.

Miscarriage is extremely hard. It sucks. A LOT. That’s that
only way to put it. If you know someone going through one, the best thing to
say is “Wow this really sucks, how can I help?”. Maybe take over a cupcake.
It’s messy and ugly and it hurts. There is no prize when it’s over. But be
encouraged that you are strong enough and you will get through it. It will
change you. Let it strengthen your marriage and walk with God. Let it hurt. Let
yourself love your baby even if you know you don’t get to keep it. Let yourself
listen to what God is teaching you. Even if you don’t understand, he is still
good.

A few weeks later, we decided to name our baby to help with
the healing process. We thought if we had something to call him that it would
be easier when we talked about him or told our future children. My husband was
convinced that we were having a boy. One night he told me that he thought our
baby’s name starts with a J. I thought that was weird but I went with it. I
researched ‘J’ names for days and nothing seemed right. While on facetime with
my mom she told me to type into the search engine exactly what I felt. I typed
“the Lord has taken away”. The verse Job 1:21 popped up. It says, “Naked I came
from my mother’s womb and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has
taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” I didn’t think it could be
more perfect. I told my husband and he said “I couldn’t imagine naming him anything
else.” So we named him Job.

A year and half later we are still healing. Some days are
harder than others. We don’t cry or think about our baby every day anymore. It
still hurts but the hurt has changed. We are happy that we got to spend 14
weeks with our baby. We are so excited to meet him in Heaven one day and see
how God forms our family in the future.

3 comments:

Aubrey,I told your mom the other day that her children always bless me with their stories and transparency, faith and hope in the midst of difficult times. This just proves it! Stories like this touch the heart of so many people. Hahna and Dallas, THANK YOU for sharing this painful time for others to be able to see and know that God is faithful, willing and good! 2Corinthians 1:2-5 "Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all Comfort, who comforts us in all our afflictions so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ." ❤ Much Love, Belinda

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About Me

Hello All! My hope is that this blog can be a clash of advice, funny stories, and hard lessons learned. I became a mom in September 2012, and I seem to have alot to say since that wonderful day! Our daughter, Piper, is just a tiny little thing! Because of her name and size, she has inherited the nickname "pipsqueak".
Together we can navigate this new journey of motherhood, and hopefully set aside all the differences in parenting and opinion and come together to support each other!
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