First, I want you to read the lyrics and listen to the song to see what I'm referencing and where I'm speaking from for this.

"8 Good Reasons"

Don't know if I should quite sing this songDon't know if it maybe might be wrongBut then again it maybe might be rightTo tell you 'bout the bullet and the red light

You know I'm not from this placeI'm from a different time, different spaceAnd it's real uncomfortableTo be stuck somewhere you just don't belong

But I got 8 good reasons to stick around8 good reasons, well maybe nine now

I had a dream one nightAbout a bullet and a red lightYou know it felt alrightYou know it actually felt quite nice

If I could have goneWithout it hurting anyoneLike a child, I would have found me mumLike a bird I would have been flown

You know I don't much like lifeI don't mind admitting that it ain't rightYou know I love to make musicBut my head got wrecked by the business

Everybody wanting something from meThey rarely ever wanna just know meI became the stranger no one seesCut glass I've crawled upon my knees

But I got 8 good reasons to stick around8 good reasons, well maybe nine now

I had a dream one nightAbout a bullet and a red lightYou know it felt alrightYou know it actually felt quite nice

But I got 8 good reasons to stick around8 good reasons, well maybe nine now8 good reasons to stick around8 good reasons, well maybe nine nowWell maybe nine now

I think we've all got a bullet and a red light.

Clearly Sinead is talking about suicide, but that's not the only form it can take. These are the moments, the headspace where we decide that things might be better without us, that we want release, escape, and to stop feeling like a burden in our own lives. Misunderstood, unwanted, outright rejected, misrepresented, out of place, depressed, anxious, torn, lost, we don't quite feel like a part of the world we live in and we want to own those feelings as much as we want to reconnect. Personal identity, personal value, and the space we fill for the rest of the world both friend and foe, these places all have their own values, they all have their own cost to us, especially when that cost is more than we have the strength and the emotional state to pay for or feel that we do.

My own personal bullet and a red light came when I was pregnant with Sasha.

It started well before that with my fear of death after my son was born and I learned that I had a brush with death, that a narrow bit of chance led to my still being here, it got worse after we lost Lisa and then, not much later, Aurora. I had a sort of personal relationship with death, I spent a lot of my early life burying relatives and pets, seemingly in a constant process of loss and change even when I wasn't facing a literal death. I was never exactly the girl who fit into other people's lives the way I wanted to, I didn't have the right angles, the right heart, or way of communicating. I see what other people don't see, I can be more blunt than people are prepared for, I can say things when I am hurt or not thinking that can be hurtful even when I don't meant them to be, and I can be a bit of a dreamer and a little naive. I think a lot about things, spend a lot of time on fear and anxiety that other people don't face or see as being trivial, even tedious. Constantly questioning myself and things in my life, I often feel like a burden, not enough to pay for the weight of my being.That I want too much and therefore often put my own needs beneath the needs of others. I bottle up all of that angst and need, that lack of "enough" and then I get eaten up.

By the time I was pregnant with Sasha a lot of weight was taking me down, guilt, anxiety, inadequacies, and the fear of death. Every moment of my pregnancy with Aurora was centered around these things. I was treated as if I were an idiot, reckless, and irresponsible by the doctors I saw, Lisa's death still affected Todd and I's relationship, and we were dealing with a lot of unresolved stress with finances, unaddressed personal conflict, and blame over things that had happened in those last few years. When Aurora died I had failed, I was a crap mom, I didn't deserve to be happy, to have Todd. I was a wide sea of loss and rejection. A lot of that was addressed over the next couple of years, but a good deal of it was internalized and I didn't really see that until we learned I was pregnant with our third. I loved being pregnant in so many ways, I truly felt pregnant "like a normal person", things progressed more naturally, Sasha kicked more than Nikki even did, and I felt her life growing inside me in a way I hadn't with the other two. She gave me a gift with that pregnancy and I looked forward to her birth.

I also knew that death was a very real possibility and I was going to have to deal with that on some level. late at night, I couldn't sleep thinking about it and it only got worse when the doctors bickered over who would be responsible for the surgery and told me that they might have to make a vertical cut all the way up to my ribcage to be sure that no unnecessary risks were taken in the event that plancenta acreta had occurred again. Frantic to address it, desperate to enjoy the pregnancy that I had, I finally looked death in the eye and decided it was going to happen and I would be ready for it. I finished the quilt I had been planning to make for Nikki since he was a baby, I got all the time I could with him, and I tried to do everything I could to make everything ready for Sasha, even making her an owl with leftover bits from Nikki's quilt. Everything had to be ready for Todd to raise the kids, to offer them the best I could give them of the time I had left, I got frustrated and upset I did an overnight close to Nikki's 7th birthday because I was desperate to get that last birthday with him, I wanted a natural birth even if it killed me, and I was going to bring this baby into the world alive and well no matter what it took. I would sacrifice myself for her.

Except it didn't happen that way. Instead of dying I had a c-section that was as close to the ideal as it could be, I felt them take her out of my body, I heard her cry, and then they stitched me closed. I went shivering to recovery and there we both were a little while later. I spent the next few days feeling lost, as if maybe the perfect serenity I found myself experiencing was some illusion, the death's bed imagination of a corpse about to cool on the table, slit open and abandoned as life went on without her. I wept when we got home, terrified that we would never leave the hospital, a strange sort of purgatory, and then I threw myself into caring for her.

So what was my bullet with the red light? After years of being afraid to die, so much so that I often failed to live life as I should, I was mourning the fact that I did not die. I was trying to make peace with not having met my end, found release from the burden of not being enough. All the while living my life as if it was bonus time in a video game and bound to end at any moment. It all had to be as good as I could manage, I had to make it all right and be ready if it ended. Except you can't live like that, you don't see the things you're missing, no one can live up to the expectations you set out for every day and there are so many things we all want to attain before we die that its impossible to really get them all lined up as I wanted to do. Again and again I was removed from things, facing losses and changes that I had not prepared for, that I had not seen coming until, finally, I had to face what it was that was eating at me.

How do you do that? Very, very gradually and with a lot of thought. It helps if you also see a lot of proof that there is more in your life than you saw before. You heal the harm in yourself as much as you can every day. You make peace with the things you know about you versus the perceptions that other you sees and that other people see no matter how hard you fight to make yourself understood from the day to day people that hardly know you, to those you have close intimate relationships with. You start seeing you, defining who that person is, and feeding her when you can with the right things. You start asking for the things you need to feel content in your relationships, and making sure the balance is square between you. Most of all, you take your list of reasons for being here and you commit them to memory so that you can say just how many there are and remember when the days aren't always so good. I deserve to be here, I earned the right to my life, and I am only what I answer to even in my own head.

Bio: Anthony Crowley (born 1979, Birmingham in U.K). From a young age of 6, Anthony began to take an interest in English literature and Poetry from an early childhood.Then throughout his teenage years he studied music and achieving song-writing skills,whilst still creating his visions. He also achieved a diploma in creative writing with a college located in Oxford,England. Anthony has also written short stories for student newsletters,horror monthly's and he is also a proud member of (HWA) Horror Writers Association and appears on the 'A LIST' of the IDPA (International Directory of Published Authors), NFAA (Non Fiction Authors Association). The present day Anthony Crowley is also a featured contributor to 'Haunted after Dark' with his very own dark haven of 'Crowley's Crypt' and has written many works of literature & poetry for publications,such as Massacre Magazine,The Horror Zine, Sanitarium magazine, HelloHorror, Sub-Verse and Fiction Terrifica. Anthony Crowley has also appeared as an official Judge for the 'British Horror Film Festival 2014' and recently his forthcoming anthology of Horror tales 'Doomsday After Midnight' is nominated at the 'AuthorsdB' BOOK AWARDS 2014. The dark verse of 'The Fallen Angel' featured in Sanitarium Magazine,issue 14. The work itself was mentioned via a live radio podcast on the evening of Halloween 2013. The Devils Foot Soldier' was another dark verse which was inspired by the 'Slasher Icon' movie of 2011 'The Orphan Killer' which was positively recognised by the movies creators and the written piece is now featured at American based Blood Born Magazine several more features and frequent media interviews and being ranked as "one of the best Modern Authors in recent years" Horror-Web described him by the following statement 'Anthony Crowley is one of the most prolific and talented authors of dark prose and poetry During a recent interview on the 'Sinister Scribblings' Mr Crowley has been placed amongst the likes of Poe, Lovecraft and Clarke Ashton Smith. Forthcoming Novella 'The Mirrored Room' was ranked in the 'Semi-Finals' at 'AuthorsdB' Book Awards of 2013,and ranked four times in the 'Top 100' list of popular Authors and not forgetting being a trending Author for many consecutive months and a featured Author on numerous literature and Horror themed websites and more. Presently, Anthony Crowley has published best-selling Horror anthology 'Tombstones' which was described by US Horror podcast show 'The Mouths of Madness' as "Beautiful Dark Prose" and the introduction to a new dark series 'The Black Diaries' which is currently being introduced as a new edition paperback edited by Simon Marshall-Jones (Spectral Press). Anthony Crowley dubbed 'the Master of Realities' is always creating new and exciting projects within the subjects of speculative literature and Horror,Occult and Historic references..Anthony is Currently residing in England.

1. Tell me a little about your latest book The Mirrored Room, what inspired it and what would you like readers to gain from reading it? I wrote the majority of 'The Mirrored Room' way back in 2010. I was initially inspired by psychic awareness and human personality. I watched a show on television about a psychic, it was titled 'Crossing Over with John Edward'. I had a quick thought "What if a psychic healer had somekind of a reverse effect", I was also into esoteric studies. This is the first time I spoke about this, I went to bed one night and I was hearing these surreal words being spoken to me, as I was sleeping. I immediately got out of bed and wrote these words on paper. I found it I had received an Enochian message. The Enochian language is known to be the language of the angels. I was incredibly focused at that point. It felt quite like an exploration I had to look into more of. I turned my internet on and managed to locate a well known occult author, and I mentioned to him, and he confirmed it was an angelic message I had received. I thought I would include some of these elements within the story. The rest I shall leave to the reader to conclude. I would like readers to gain an exciting read of exploration into believing and to have an understanding of certain subjects, while gaining their own conclusion.

2. You’re a poet as well as a fiction writer; do you feel that poetry gets the light and respect it deserves in today’s market?

I believe poetry is just as important, but rightly deserves the same recognition, fiction is widely commercial. Poetry can be more powerfully attentive than a fiction story.

3. What tone and style do your poems take on? Do your stories share any qualities with your poetry?

It can depend on the mood and depth of the imagination. Sometimes they have had similar qualities. One of my recent projects 'Symphony of Blood' shall feature three dark forms of poetry. The story shall be the entire literary journey, while the verses shall focus on a certain element of the story theme. But each shall express their own positive energies.

4. You mention esoteric themes, elements of Egyptology, histories, the supernatural, and conspiratorial involvements in your poetry and prose. Do you research these elements as well? If so, is it difficult to do so?

They are interests I have had since a child. If the story or verse shall include a deep subject, I will sometimes research, but also in some cases it was from gathered knowledge since I attended school.

5. Do you have any particular subjects that fascinate you as a writer and poet as well as outside of your writing? My three passions I have always loved and felt comforted by from a young age was, writing, music, drama. I have achieved the first two passions, but I have always had an interest to act. I realised this more from my previous role as an entertainer. I also have interests in photography, art. 5. Who would you say are your biggest influences in poetry and writing? Do you see elements of their work in your own?

There are many. The first names which come to mind are, Clive Barker, Edgar Allan Poe and Jack Ketchum, Dennis Wheatley. I have been told on many occasions that my poetry verses are similar to elements of work by Edgar Allan Poe. I never read my work once it is published, I just look ahead and keep writing towards the next project, or book.

6. You’ve been featured in magazines like Sanitarium and Massacre Magazine, how do your experiences with them compare to regular publication? Do you enjoy the collaborative atmosphere?

I enjoy both experiences, but it is a positive stepping stone for new and upcoming authors to take on those opportunities. I have seen comments about contributors not getting paid for their first work involvement. They need to also realise that it will assist their exposure, the royalties shall come later, or sooner. The more your input shall be, the better the recognition in the long run.

7. You’ve recently gotten involved with some of the anthologies at JEA, are there any stories or poems you’re particularly fond of and you hope to see coming out in these?

I am honoured to be working with JEA and being part of their publications. There are a few, but I shall mention 'Infestation' which shall be featured in 'Undead Legacy'. That story was a new direction for myself, but very enjoyable to write. Recently there has been a critical uproar about a simple gay kiss in the 'Walking Dead' series. It is baffling to know that viewers would rather witness blood and death, than a simple human kiss. 'Infestation' is a homoerotic zombie story with gorey themes. Not for the fainthearted.

8. Do you have any other works in progress you’d like to share with us? What can we expect to see from you in the coming years?

At this very moment I am finishing three new stories. I have more literature projects throughout the year. In the foreseeable future, I will be launching a new horror publication 'Dark Realms'. It will be original in it's own right. No restrictions. I have acquired two talented team members to assist me in this venture, Alex S.Johnson, Dean M.Drinkel. They both have exceptional qualities, and each possess their own talents within our wonderful world of literary horror. Later this summer, I will be travelling to Europe to work with a model friend towards another project, this shall be a visual art involvement. My fans and followers can also check out my Facebook and Twitterfor many more future updates.