Bummed about her binge drinker

Published 2:56 am, Friday, April 17, 2015

DEAR ANNIE: I have been married to "Tom" for 30 years, and we've raised two successful children. Tom is a nice guy, but he is a binge drinker and has been all the years I have known him.

I didn't recognize this as alcoholism until 10 years ago. Tom has been in therapy ever since. It has increased his awareness, but hasn't stopped the binging. It seems to happen several times a year at social events. He drinks so much that he blacks out, falls, vomits on himself, displays other inappropriate behavior and suffers countless humiliations.

As always, Tom is shocked when I tell him what he did the night before and promises never to drink again. Slowly things get better, I forgive him, and then it happens again. This also happens when he goes away with his friends, but I don't know the details, so there is a trust issue, as well. I have been going to Al-Anon for years and am taking great care of myself. But I do feel sad sometimes.

Now that the children are grown, I could leave him, but the vows "through sickness and health" stop me. And, of course, many people would be upset, including our kids. Any advice? -- T.

DEAR T.: Worry less about what others will think and more about what you can live with. Is Tom a good candidate for medication to curtail his drinking? Would he be willing to do it? Talk to his doctor. Would it make a bigger impression if you videotaped him when he's drunk so he could see for himself how he behaves? Do it. Would he cooperate with your setting a time limit on how long he spends at these social events in the hope that you could get him out before it's too late? (We understand that this would be difficult.)

If Tom refuses to do any of these things, or if it makes no difference in his drinking, you need to determine whether it happens often enough that you can no longer tolerate it. You may benefit from some counseling to help you figure it out.

DEAR ANNIE: You printed a lot of responses about people whose nickname is "Dick." But how does one get that out of Richard? -- K. in Hot Springs, Ark.

DEAR K.: It is human nature to shorten names, both when speaking and when writing. Shortened versions of Richard have been common for centuries, likely starting with "Rick" or "Rich," which then produced nicknames of their own, such as "Richie." In England, where Richard has been a familiar moniker since the Norman Conquest, people liked to rhyme names, which is probably how "Rick" became "Dick." (Apparently, there used to be another rhyming nickname, "Hick," which has since dropped from its early popularity in the 13th century.)

Here's a little additional information for you: Richard derives from the old German and means "brave power" or "brave ruler," which could explain why England had three kings named Richard, the last of whom was recently given a royal burial in Leicester Cathedral after his remains were discovered underneath a municipal parking lot.