Tag: sadness

I fell off the wagon. My will power gave up on me. Spending two months on my diet and changing my life drained my will power. This morning I didn’t fast and ate a very carb heavy breakfast.

I feel like a piece of shit to be honest. I feel like my heart break from my previous post still getting to me. I wander the streets like a zombie. It’s not the fact that I’m alone it’s the fact that my life is not where I want to be. I honestly don’t want to put in the hard work and the mental stress. I compare myself to others. I see someone already accomplished and I say to myself that I’ll never be at that level.

It sucks having battles like these with your mind. For me there are times where I would triumph against my mind and do the things that would lead me to success and there are times, like today, that I would give in and let my mind sabotage me. A never ending battle.

I feel like there is a other entity in myself, a darkness sort of entity, that it’sole purpose is to see me fail and sabotage my life. This dark entity is the reason that I’m depressed, miserable and under accomplished. It’s tough to fight against this being.

Will power is a weapon that is used to fight off this darkness. Positivity is another thing that can fight this being off. All that sounds good on paper but it’s hard. It’s hard fighting off this being when you’re either hungry, tired or feeling any type of negative emotion.

Heart breaks are not fun. They are never fun. People experience different pains. Some instantly while others take a moment. Regardless the pain will strike and it’s something that you will always remember.

You feel like shit.

You realize you are shit.

Actual shit is better than you.

That is what goes through your mind as the pain engulfs your body. Everything you stood for, on the ground, squashed like a baby cockroach that got to close for it’s own kind.

It’s sad to say that I’m experiencing this right now..

I have been seeing this girl for a while. We’ve been dating for a while and we both decided to make it official. Things were going well till today. While I was working out at the gym today I get a text from her. I was supposed to meet her at her place tonight for a movie-dinner combo.

Nope. She texted me saying that she has a lot on her plate and that she couldn’t focus on work. This girl was the same girl I spoke about in my previous post. In fact it’s the same girl that didn’t want to be with me in the first place.

Anyway there I was on my way out of the gym, reading her text and feeling dead. At first I was like “Oh okay.” I experienced heart break before, which I’ll make a future post about but shit like this gets me all the time. It’s been a while since I felt like this.

I cried. I’ll admit it, I cried. I didn’t like sob like a baby or anything. I shed a few tears in private. The heart break snowballed into much more. I cried for my pathetic life. Then it hit me. My life is garbage. My life is fucking shit. At the place I work at there are customers who are working in their careers, younger than me!

I’m fucking 25 years old, nothing to show for. It made sense for her to leave. Why be with me? I live a shitty life working a shitty job. I try and try but accomplish nothing. I was fooling myself to think I can live a normal life with this girl. I was dead mistaken.

I am a failure. Her leaving showed me that I don’t deserve happiness. The way I see it is like god gave me a taste of what a normal life was like. God gave me a taste and took the dish away. I feel broken. No matter how hard I try to fix my life it’s not enough. I broke my diet today. I said “fuck it” and ate a fuck ton of carbs and shit. I fought so hard to stay healthy today but I was defeated. The short term pleasure was strong. I needed to feel “happy” right now. I caved and now I feel disgusted.

The question is what am I going to do now? I’m not going to give up, I’ll use today or maybe tomorrow to stray off the path but I’ll go back to it. It’s still March and they’re are others out there. I need to stay positive and learn from this.