If I posted a daily selfie, it would look like one of those dehydrated sponge creatures that you buy at the Dollar Store, immerse in water and watch GROW.

*If you have not had the extreme pleasure of playing with these, you should definitely check them out for an awesomely fun squishy experience. Tip- put your creature in a 2 liter soda bottle for easier handling and viewing. You are most welcome!

It has not been a good year for me for weight maintenance.

Mostly, because food is awesome and I don’t care what my ass looks like. After all, it’s in back of me where I can’t see it. I also ignore the back of my hair for the very same reason.

I do, however, care about comfort and right now wearing clothes is downright painful.

I’ve kind of been parading around looking like a pissed off Incredible Hulk.

It ain’t pretty.

Just yesterday, I was forced to squeeze into spanx just to zip my stupid pants for a job interview.

I haven’t decided what my level of commitment on this particular issue is as of right now.

Dumb Shit my Son Says… When I’m teaching him to drive.

Nag, nag and nag some more- from the FRONT seat where you’re within striking distance of the minion student.

And, don’t forget your jumbo fly swatter. (Dollar Tree $1)

“I did too look.” (did not)

“Speed bumps are dumb.”

Yeah, maybe if you’re trying to thread a needle or balance a cauldron of meatballs on your head while driving??!!

“I knew I could make it.”

Knew= making ASSumptions and making ASSumptions= dead.

If you die I will kick your ass.

Yes, I will.

I’ll jump right through the portal to the spirit world and kick your ghostly ass.

Be very afraid.

Mom’s are allowed EVERYWHERE including but not limited to the men’s room, locker room, school bus and afterlife.

“I’m only going the speed limit.”

There are times you should NOT go the speed limit, like say there’s three-legged kitten parade or senior citizen wheelchair race, a baby highway crawl-a-thon or just maybe THAT chicken is trying to cross the road.

WHY? Nobody actually cares why.

Get over that shit. Chickens are dumb. (and tasty)

That reference has outstayed it’s welcome, so please if you see that chicken crossing the road… run it down for Gods sake and end this charade once and for all.

Unless, of course, you’re an arrogant 16 year old with a learners permit.

Then your copilot mom gets to do it, as this will release some of her pent up tension and potentially save your life.

Win. Win.

We’re having chicken for dinner… again??

Let’s make something perfectly clear.

If you have a LEARNING permit to drive, assume you do NOT have the right of way.