Wednesday, January 13, 2010

JMR's List of 5 Ridiculous Professional Athlete Arrests

I'm reading the police blotter and the Washington Post on a daily basis these days. The reason: my list of the most ridiculous arrests of professional athletes may finally have to be expanded beyond 5. In a ridiculous showing of machismo, Gilbert Arena's gun charges - resulting from a gambling debt to a teammate gone awry - may unfortunately end in a plea deal that will not include jail time, according to the Washington Post, but there is always a chance that those negotiations may break down and serious charges brought against the Wizards star.

This all begs the question: what are JMann Review's list of the 5 most ridiculous athlete arrests?

5. Randy Moss (2002). Apparently late for practice, the mercurial Moss was trying to take an illegal turn on a Minneapolis side street one late afternoon. When the "traffic control agent" (read: meter maid) attempted to stop him, Moss merely continued down the street at a slow rate of speed until the officer fell to the street. Moss was charged with assault with a dangerous weapon. When everything was all said and done, he was cited for reckless driving. Way to stick up for the law, Minnesota!

4. Olden Polynice (2000). Not once, but twice, the 7 foot center for the Utah Jazz was charged with impersonating a police officer after flashing an honorary police badge he received from the Los Angeles police department. These unlucky motorists presumably rubbed the big fella the wrong way. He contended at the time that he was intending to identify himself as "Olden Polynice - member of the Utah Jazz" rather than "Olden Polynice - Raving Lunatic." Obviously as a response to this peculiar crime spree, the general public was subjected to this.

3. Ed Belfour (2000). An athlete getting arrested for assault, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct is serious business. The interesting aspect of this story, however, is Belfour's reaction as the arrest was taking place. After dismissing out of hand a $100,000 bribe, the loaded hockey goalie then offered the Dallas police officers arresting him a whopping ONE BILLION DOLLARS to forget this all happened. When they refused, he proceeded to kick in the police car windows trying to escape, I can only imagine. While outlandish at the time, I quickly think about this scenario playing itself out if Tiger Woods or Alex Rodriguez were ever arrested today.

2. Plaxico Burress (2008). While going clubbing in his sweatpants, the 32 year old Burress, with friend Antonio Pierce in tow, accidently shot himself in the thigh when the gun slipped down the side of his pants and narrowly missed a security guard working the front door. Strangely, despite almost being shot, both Pierce and the security guard attempted to assist Burress to cover up the self inflicted wound by helping Burress to a waiting automobile and delivering the firearm back to Burress. If I were either one of them, I probably would have run once I saw what went down, but I guess that's why I'm not a professional athlete. In any event, the Super Bowl hero agreed to plea his charges down to illegal possession of a firearm and is currently serving a two year sentence in State Prison.

1. Delonte West (2009). The piece de resistance of all ridiculously arrested athletes, and in what can only be described as a what the f**k moment, the former Celtics' guard was arrested in Maryland during the offseason after cutting off a canine officer in his three wheel motorcycle - West's three wheel motorcycle. Apparantly, West was having some issues as he was discovered with not one, not two, but three concealed weapons - most notably, a shot gun inside a guitar case strapped to his shoulder. According to his Father, West was "looking behind his back and protecting himself." Quite honestly, if you were concerned about your safety on a highway, wouldn't you drive around in an armored hummer or other SUV, instead of this?

The list, I suppose could go on and on. Some amusing, some quite serious. Whether it be Gilbert Arenas or other athletes performing badly, I can't help but think of Charles Barkley ad campaign with Nike 15 years ago.

"I am not a role model. I am not paid to be a role model. I am paid to wreak havoc on the basketball court. Parents should be role models. Just because I dunk a basketball, it doesn't mean I should raise your kids."