Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Joints Are For Smoking

It's never easy learning the boundaries of new co-workers.

In other words, it is completely draining to be on one's best behavior ALL THE TIME!

Having come from a very open work place where it wasn't unusual to have someone call from there office "Hey, can you come here for a minute? What do you think this rash is?", I don't know if I should explain my current behavior of visiting the bathroom twice an hour and the drinking fountain 40,000 times a day.

Yes, another bladder infection.No, I didn't want to ask for time off to go to the clinic.Yes, I went to urgent care after work.No, I didn't bother to go into the details with anyone.

I actually did a two for one special and went in with a bladder infection and a possible broken rib (from painting the bathroom...I'm hardcore like that). I know that there isn't jack squat that can be done for a broken rib but I wanted it recorded somewhere in my medical records that I was having this problem. I've found that when I talk about all the times that I dislocate a joint, the doctors will ask "but did you come in for it?"

"Why no, I didn't. I can pop things back in place myself, use one of the 28 joint immobilizers that I have in my linen closet, take ibuprofen, use ice and take it easy all for the low low price of absolutely nothing."

"Well, if you don't come in and see us, it obviously either didn't happen or wasn't a true dislocation..."

So, yeah. Kinda wanted it to be all "official" since the connective tissue in my ribs seems to be the latest, greatest place of discord. That and the kneecaps.

I can't wait to drive myself to urgent care with my kneecap on the inside of my leg. I will then get the triage nurse to visualize it and then I will do what I always do, dig my little fingers under it and slide it back into place. I will then hobble out without seeing the doctor.

Maybe I should just start taking videos of these events at home and taking the video "evidence" into the doctors when I go for something completely different.

"Yeah, I think I have a sinus infection and I'd like to show you the five dislocations that I've had since the last time we've met."

Hey, I'm all about saving money in the health care industry. I think Barack should give me a job.

Anyway, what I'm having is not broken rib pain, just dislocated rib pain.

In other words, I have not "broken my boob". I'm actually quite disappointed. I kind of liked that diagnosis.

This is, in fact, the continuation of a problem I had earlier but didn't go to the doctor for. (This means that it really didn't exist.) Last time it was located in my lower ribs and everything sort of came unmoored quietly and over the course of a few days. This time, it came loose with the sound of a gunshot, albeit a very tiny gun. Perhaps gunshot is a bit dramatic...maybe I should equate it to a very sudden and aggressive bowl of Rice Krispies?

Snap Crackle and Pop are gonna cut a bitch, so watch out!

Needless to say, there isn't anything anyone can do about it. The doctor was kind enough to assure me that "maybe someday, after enough of your joints are compromised and more symptoms appear, we'll be able to figure this thing out."

Thanks doc, you really were very kind. It was a definite improvement from the last time I went into Urgent Care with a joint issue. It was my first kneecap dislocation and although I moved it back myself, it was horribly painful and new and I stumbled into urgent care only to have the doctor tell me "If you're really dislocating your joints like that, I'm calling Mayo and having this disease named after me because there is no way that this can be happening."