You might have noticed them closing in like zombies, with glazed expressions and shiny iPhones. They’re the Apple Fanboys and they’re everywhere. But fear not!

In honour of all the Apple related buzz lately – including last week’s iPad Mini launch – we’ve put together a foolproof guide to identifying the Apple Fanboy (or girl). Simply look out for these five key catchphrases to know for sure if you’re dealing with an Average Joe, or a fully blown member of the Cult of Apple. Happy spotting!

1. “Macs don’t get viruses!”

It’s what you’ll hear from a Fanboy convincing you to ditch your PC. And it’s quite a boast. No viruses! But is it true?

This reputation comes from the fact that most viruses are created for PCs. There are more PC owners than Mac owners, meaning that there are more potential targets. As well as the fact that most virus writers are more familiar with Windows.

And as more people buy Macs, the world is beginning to realise that they’re not invincible. There was the Flashback Trojan incident earlier this year, and even Apple has been forced to stop claiming that Macs are immune to malware. Hmm…

2. “Why would you get something that isn’t an iPhone?”

Ah, yes. This old chestnut, and perhaps the core of the Apple Fanboy way. Why bother with anything but Apple? Surely you realise that the iPhone, say, is the best phone out there! Isn’t it?

Here’s just one of many videos on YouTube of a middle-aged man loudly explaining some very good reasons why Android beats iPhone.

3. “They’re just copying Apple!”

So you’ve shoved your more-than-worthy Samsung in the Fanboy’s face, feeling smug? They’ll probably come back with this. The truth is, Apple and rivals Samsung have been sniping at one another with copying accusations for ages. Do you know who owns the rectangle? Me neither.

4. “Steve. Jobs.”

Every craze needs an icon at its centre.

Enter the late Steve Jobs: part maverick genius, part PR-guru-quote-machine and part turtleneck. His now mythical job pitch to Pepsi president John Sculley – “Do you want to sell sugared water for the rest of your life? Or do you want to come with me and change the world?” – is just one example of the countless zingers that made Jobs so much sexier than Bill Gates, or that guy who invented Dyson vacuums.

In fact, Jobs was almost like the Pope of a brand new religion, instilling utter devotion in his loyal fans. And if Jobs was the Pope, that must make Apple Stores the church…

5. “Nine hours down and we’re almost in the door.”

Frenzied cheering, trampled sleeping bags and enough high fives to take your hand off; an Apple Store opening is an event like nothing else.

Or is it?

Lately, scientists have been identifying links between Apple and organised religion. The iconic logo, savior Steve Jobs, and the general feeling that it’s more than just a technology brand – it’s a way of life. In fact, in his Secrets of the Superbrands documentary, Alex Riley discovered neurological evidence for the theory, and more recently, anthropologist Kirsten Bell has repeated the claim.

So there you go. If he’s wielding a MacBook without antivirus software, wearing the look of the enlightened and cursing Android, he’s probably an Apple Fanboy. Unfortunately, we can’t tell you what to do in the event of an apocalypse, but we can leave you with this excellent Samsung advert poking fun at the breed. If you can’t beat ‘em, laugh at ‘em!