I think that the transition of the story was very good. I thought that it was a light story of adventure and treasure hunting. When it turned out to be like and action film with pirates and real death match I think that it is very interesting. This chapter would be great for those people who likes hardcore action!

I've only read the first chapter but I'm hooked! I love your characters and already like Gyle as a person which I think is a really important thing in every story. You set the scene really well - I feel as if I'm a member of the crew or something. It's very vivid and quite fast paced which really makes me keep reading. Awesome writing :D

(Sorry, I'm kind of new to this site so sorry if this isn't how the feedback thing should work. BUT IT'S GREAT! XD)

I saw this story and was intrigued into looking into it since I'm used to writing non-aviation pirates. haha

One thing I noticed within the first few paragraphs would be verb-tense. While your descriptions are pretty good, you keep changing back and forth from present-tense to past-tense. I really recommend sticking to one (standard is usually past-tense).

I think with the first few paragraphs, you kind of killed the pace of the action sequence by pausing to give some background info about the two ships fighting. I think it would be best to save that for later once you're not in the midst of a battle or else you kind of kill the pace. I mean, it's good that you're giving us that background, but some of it was just too much that seems better saved for later. Besides, you also ran the risk of too much "telling" than "showing."

*"Come on dad! Stop playing around and just storm the guy's ship already!" Gyle said.

I don't know about your preference, but titles like "Dad" or "Mom" are usually capitalized, unlike using title like "He's my dad" versus, "Dad, seriously stop doing that!"

*Marco and Ingrid pulled their guns from their holsters while Gyle unsheathed his cutlass. Marco turned to the two adolescents.

I just realized – I have no clue what Marco looks like. I think you might want to inject at least some brief (very brief) physical description. Personally, I find it annoying if characters are mentioned but there's not some physical attribute I can't connect them with. But that's just me :D

*Gyle and Ingrid weren't nearly good enough to take on one of the Razing Brigands one-on-one, so they teamed up on one of them and that proved more successful. One after another, the lone grunts fell to Gyle and Ingrid's tactics.

Yeah, I'm not feeling very invested into these fight scenes. I think it's the lack of detail like this sentence. You're just skimming over the fighting, and that makes it hard for readers to be drawn in. There is a thing as too much detail, but here, esp. fighting scenes, details totally help immerse a reader into the story. I mean, what tactics are they using to beat their opponents? You're being too ambiguous.

Overall, it is a good start. It's pretty rushed, though. As in so rushed I didn't really feel invested into the story. I think it was the lack of details that did it. Especially lack of details in action like the fight between the crews. You were telling how one crew was beating the other, but you didn't really give any specific incidences - if that makes sense.

I was also kind of confused as hell as to when Gareck got both Gyle and Ingrid. Gareck knocked out Gyle. Okay, I get that. But wouldn't have Ingrid reacted when that happened? You said right after that Gareck knocked Ingrid unconscious, but HOW? If he tried to punch her in the head, wouldn't she have ducked? Or was she too thunderstruck with Gyle being knocked out to not dodge the blow? How?

very intense chapter, I like the detail you put into the battles and the unexpected turns like Ingrid's knife bouncing off of Gareck and how you made the Marco come to the rescue when everything seemed hopeless only to then turn it back around with Marco being defeated. Your excellent with plot lines! Your story seems very well though out as well.

I guess one thing I would like to see more of is the use of all five senses so the reader can visualize what is going on better. Like, you can always see what the characters are doing very clearly which is very good, but sometimes it feels like they're surroundings are undefined. I think the addition of smell would be powerful, like maybe the smell of gunpowder or the freshness of the air as they exit the Grand Bastion (random examples :P)

this is one of the few stories i have read in the past couple of years that has actually caught my attention. greatly written. im a little sad that i rushed throught it. i just finished that last chapter today. but keep up the good work man

Good development! Who would have thought that the last Anima child was living with the naiads? Ruth, is it? Cool beans. I am still confused about this Alice character.

Ingrid seemed to lose it for a bit. Was it really an alter ego or was it her giving into her hunger for Anima?

Marina is a very forgiving naiad. She still helped them after Ingrid nearly killed her. Wow.

I also thought Ingrid being able to hear the thoughts of those she drained Anima from was a nice touch. I don't know if this was specific to the incident or if it comes with the ability, but it's a neat detail.

Props to Ingrid and Marina for smacking some sense into Gyle. Zack was very wise. I liked how he took the blame initially. That helped Gyle open up. He knows his son. I am interested in seeing how this meeting will turn out.

Things were a bit rushed at the beginning (only slightly), but as soon as the chapter was underway, I thought everything was well-written! Percy was excited, Ingrid and Hawkeye were tolerant, and Gyle forged ahead as usual. The characters were true to their nature, the story progressed, and there were new developments. I was really glad that you put Captain Zack here. I could totally see how Zack would have came upon his conclusion and begin searching for Gyle and friends there. Having him run into the fog was brilliant :-) .

Suggestion(s):

- "You want to come along?" (You want me to come along?)

It seems that Gyle is still running away. I really hope that he grows up soon. I'm getting a bit tired of reading about his immaturity, although at the same time, I'm glad he's not super-cliched. Hopefully, he'll get some one-on-one time with his dad. I would love nothing more than for them to be able to discuss things and clear up all of the misunderstanding. I am anticipating a father/son team attacking the corporation :-D . That would be awesome. Anyway, I digress. Great chapter!

The first section of the chapter was well-written. You did a fine job of capturing an important moment between Seth and Carmen. We all knew the conversation was going to happen; however, I didn't anticipate the conclusion. It threw me off (that's a good thing). Carmen gave up pretty easily, but considering her circumstances, I think this is very reasonable. Good job :-) .

"It's nice to see you finally got one of your maps accepted by the Corporation."

I read on that the new slang for this is "complisult." They found it on Twitter :-p .

I was glad you put in the bit about Hawkeye losing it when Gyle called himself his dad. I was wondering when you would throw it in there. That was perfect timing. Hawkeye just had a long day of giving Rowan a ride so I'll bet he's pretty exhausted. Just tired enough to lose control for a little bit. Now Ingrid knows. Do you realize that there's a real possibility of Gyle having to kill off both Ingrid and Hawkeye? This story has taken yet another dark turn!

Suggestion(s):

- But the comments Seth made on the Guppy and when Marco and Rowan visited kept her from resting her weary body. (this seemed out of place somehow)

The conversation between Marco and Rowan felt very rushed. Rowan didn't beat around the bush, he just went straight to the point. That's kind of what I'd expect. Marco, however, didn't seem uncomfortable talking to him about it at all. What I had gathered was that this was a very difficult subject for him to discuss. I am not getting that at all in this chapter. Marco talked about his family very nonchalant-like. Then he happens to read an article about the cave-in and loses it. I'm glad Rowan was understanding, but it seemed like it was too easy to talk Marco out of going. It didn't feel very real. All of it felt scripted:

"Wait a minute, Marco," Rowan pleaded as he nearly tipped his chair over. Marco grabbed his rifle and handguns and was ready to throw open the door. "You're not thinking about charging out there, are you?"

"What do you expect me to do?"

"I expect you to go back to your calm and rational self and think about what you're doing."

Marco begrudgingly let go of the door handle and sat on his bed and stared at the ground.

So basically, it's like,

- I'm going!

- No, you're not.

- Oh, okay...

No, I refuse to believe that. You cannot convince me as a reader (or as anyone for that matter) that that was all it took. You know you can do better than this.

The conversation between Rowan and Felix/Sylvia was also rushed. It was like an information overload. Sylvia is a terrible liar, Felix is an insensitive jerk, and Rowan needs anger-management. Once Rowan spilled the beans about Ingrid, I felt that they were too willing to give up all of their information. They were clearly uncomfortable telling Ingrid what they knew and she was an Anima child. How then, can they tell Rowan all of this so calmly?

I really like how you tipped off your reader about what's to come :-) . I'm hoping that Gyle and company will run into the naiad while Marco is gathering intel about his family (at least, that's what I think is going to happen). Yay fog!