Wedding whoops

Former bedfellows of the bride or groom, pushy in-laws, over-imbibing guests: There's much to consider when planning your big day

By Deanna Fox

Updated 3:58 pm, Friday, May 9, 2014

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"Marry in May, rue the day," is a traditional wedding quip that many couples choose to ignore — until one unsavory move by a guest leaves the wedding more memorable for being a social gaffe than a beautiful day celebrating the union of two people.

Still, as spring flowers begin to bloom, mailboxes become flooded with invitations for upcoming nuptials. The etiquette that surrounds weddings is something all attendees should be mindful of (the 1965 edition of Emily Post's "Etiquette" dedicates almost 100 pages to weddings alone), but couples have an entirely different set of etiquette issues that need to be handled.

One such issue involves the relationships between the bride, groom and certain guests. The best example of this is having an ex present at a wedding. People are marrying at a later age than previous generations did, and becoming friends with an ex-lover is common. When second marriages come into play, this could mean having an ex-spouse present at a wedding. A recent study by Paper Shaker, a United Kingdom-based wedding stationery company, revealed that 60 percent of newlyweds have been former bedfellows with at least two of the people at their wedding.

One local bride dealt with this personally. "As you can imagine, the idea that my new boyfriend continued to be close friends with (his) ex took some getting used to," says Rachel, who was married in Troy in November 2013 and asked that her name not be used due to the sensitive nature of the issue. "By the time we were engaged and planning our wedding, she became less like my man's ex and more like a confidant, cheerleader and friend of my very own."

"You need to know the dynamic of the relationship going in," says Deborah DePasquale, the Saratoga Springs-based wedding and event planner and stylist, who owns Deborah DePasquale Designs. If a person can learn to respect a future spouse's friendship, "you hope that the ex is just as respectful," says DePasquale.

Communication is critical here, says DePasquale. It is important to talk with one's future spouse about ill-feelings regarding the ex. Having a mutual understanding of the friendship can be a safeguard against inappropriate interactions at the wedding, and beyond.

"One thing that this friendship (between my husband and his ex) has made crystal clear is the fact that my husband has good taste in women," says Rachel.

A soon-to-be-spouse's relationship with family can be another sticking point going into a wedding. Laura, a bride who was married in a small central New York town in July 2013 and also asked that her name be withheld, dealt with an unruly and overly opinionated future mother-in-law.

"My in-laws pushed me over the edge as soon as we got engaged. It was awful. My mother-in-law definitely bordered on monster-in-law," she says, noting that comparisons to her husband's first wife and comments on weight were only the tip of the emotionally draining wedding iceberg.

"The more rude and annoying she became, the more I pushed her out of the whole wedding experience," says Laura, who resorted to a simple, polite solution to her mother-in-law's constant meddling. "I just smiled and said thank you for the idea," she says.

"Try going through the groom," says DePasquale, noting that sometimes the groom needs to assert his opinion and stand up for his bride in similar situations. "If she is a meddler now, she'll be a meddler down the road," she says.

Establish boundaries for both families in the engagement phase; let those boundaries become ground rules in the marriage.

Guests who drink too much are something most couples worry about at their weddings, and the troublemakers can usually be pinpointed before the wedding day. "A planner will help deal with this situation, but if you don't have one, delegate that responsibility to a few trusted people," says DePasquale. Make someone in your wedding party privy of a certain guest's tendency to drink too much, and have them handle the situation if something arises. Create a game plan before the wedding day.

As Emily Post notes, "without adequate preparation, Father may be irritated, Mother jittery, the bride in tears, the groom cross — and who could look forward to a situation like that with any sort of equanimity, much less pleasure?"

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Overall, the wedding is about the bride and groom, so "surround yourselves with people that love and support you," says DePasquale, and prepare accordingly.