And since you’re reading this instead of contacting a lawyer or drowning in high-class prostitutes, I’m assuming you didn’t either. Various news outlets are reporting that the three winning tickets were sold in Kansas, Maryland, and Illinois. I think we can all agree to join together and say to those people, “Ha-ha, you have to split it three ways and then pay almost half in taxes so you only get like $115 million each. Jerks.”

Before the draw, TMZ asked Christopher Walken what he’d do if he won almost half a billion dollars and he said he’d buy a yacht. Walken is only worth about $30 million, so he has no idea what real money like that buys you. Unlike Petra and Tamara Ecclestone, heirs to a $4 billion fortune. They know money buys you unearned attention and column inches. It also buys you a lifetime supply of fake tan, bad hair extensions, and outfits that wouldn’t look out of place on a street corner.