How to Avoid a One Night Yogini Stand…

…and get a second date with your Yogini.

Before you read this article, Do bring your sense of humor. Don’t take it so seriously. Unless you realize that your serious attitude could be the reason you’re not getting a second date with your yogini.

Doshow up on time. If you’re an eager beaver (or should I say for the beaver) and arrive early, chill. Don’t pressure your yogini with a call or text. There is a reason she does Yoga, which most likely includes its stress reducing properties.

Don’t show up at all if you are running 25 minutes late and your excuse is kobe got hit in the nose so you were grieving. Arriving late is rude and selfish. It will be the first thing your Yogini will notice about you. If you can’t manage your time and be considerate as a single person, you will not be able to manage your time as a duo.

Do pick her up in an electric or hybrid car like a Prius. If you don’t own one, rent or borrow. If you don’t want to spend the extra 35 dollars ( or time ) to get one for your date, you should reconsider how much you are into this Yogini. If it’s love or sex you’re chasing go the extra mile. And given that you are driving a Prius, you’d have all those extra miles!

Don’tpick her up in a Prius if she’s a just a Hollywood type Yogini who attends yoga classes to get skinny, meet celebrities, producers and writers that will further her already sucky career.

Once she sees that horrific looking car, don’t be surprised if this yogini cancels your date with any ol’ bogus excuse. She’ll pretend she just got sick with a sudden case of diarrhea from some mung bean and miso paste cake she ate at lunch. Then, she will summon her on-call best gay friend who does care about style to pick her up in his mercedes.

Doopen all doors. Every hippy chick and ferociously independent yogini loves chivalry. If in the rare case they don’t, offer to let her drive. If she accepts, then girlfriend, get ready to buy yourself a pair of panties and some lipstick!

Photo by OhNo! Doom Collective

Do walk to your dateif she’s a die-hard yogini. I hope your Tom’s shoes are durable and have good arch support! (On the plus side, a die-hard yogini will dig the musky smell of your sweat.)

Doplay a little Krishna Das as your Yogini enters your car. Don’t play Krishna Das all night longif you expect to get any action after the night is over. As the saying goes, meditation is masturbation.

Do offer to take your die hard Yogini to a kirtan event after dinner. Don’t go to kirtan if she accepts the offer. Hours of chanting will definitely raise your meditative vibrations but I’m going to assume your goal is to raise your yogini’s legs behind her ears ( a feat she’s quite capable of ).

Dotake her to your favorite fancy restaurant that offers vegetarian options, organic foods and is as eco friendly as possible. Surprise your date with digestive enzymes for extra brownie points. This will ensure an explosive-free evening later on. Not that your “body comfortable yogini” would have even the slightest fear about sharing her every digestive experience.

Don’t take her to your favorite earthy hole in the wallwhere everybody knows your name. The familiarity of your “Cheers-like” environment will not make your yogini feel special. It will make her feel familiar when she’d prefer to feel like Shiva.

Image by Joe Shlabotnick

Domake a quick pit stop at Whole Foods market. Everyone knows how expensive and eco friendly whole foods is. Getting a last minute item shows you support the environment and you’re not frugal. If you really want to look like a hero, take a moment to sign the paper of one of the petitioners who bombard you at the exit.

Even if you’ve signed the gay rights marriage petition so many times that they think you’re gay, Do it so she can see it.

Don’t let her go into Whole Foods market with you. Everyone knows how expensive and eco friendly whole foods is. If she’s a crafty yogini she may flirt her way onto your tab with six of her overpriced kombucha teas she normally buys one of.

Dotell her how beautiful she looks and smells even if her attire is not your style and she chose to wear patchouli while her clothes smell like the incense Nag Champa.

Don’tsuggest she try a perfume your mother or ex girlfriend used to wear. If you do, and the girl doesn’t recoil and offer her therapist’s number to help you get over your mommy issues, then she’s a keeper!

Doexpect your yogini to offer to pay half the night’s costs. Don’tlet her pay if you expect another date. I’m not saying you have to pay for every date. ( Although, it would be nice and works well with the hunters and gatherers in us all. ) Look on the bright side! Be thankful to the food industry and evolution you don’t have to hunt for your food anymore and she doesn’t have to prepare your fresh caught slaughter.

Domake sure your teeth are free of food debris. After your healthy, organic seed filled dinner who knows what could be lurking in the crevices of your eye teeth. Don’t worry about your garlic breath. At this point in the evening it’s already permeating through both of your pores.

Don’tcomplain. If your yogini wanted to listen to your complaints, she’d be spending the evening watching her mother play canasta with her girlfriends. Or better yet, donating time at a convalescent home.

Your yogini wants to date a man, not an old woman. Athough practicing yoga has probably increased her tolerance for some things, your whining will not be one of them.

Don’t assume because she’s an earthy chick that she has earthy boundaries. Put aside those visions of Woodstock( 1 and 2), Burning Manand Coachella. After all, what happens in festivals stays in festivals.

A little fourth of July fun to wrangle the boys in my direction.LOL

A few glasses of wine relaxes us all. It’s important to remember that if you really like your yogini, women need to bond emotionally ( except for my friend Michele, but that’s another article ). Men need to bond physically.

So, even if she’s drunk on that organic, sulphite-free wine you’ve been downing all night, don’t let her take advantage of you if you intend to be more than a one night Yogini stand.

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About
Heather Dawn

Originally from New York, Heather Dawn teaches a Vinyasa style yoga class filled with education, humor and fun for Equinox Fitness, other local studios and private trainings in Los Angeles. She is also a Reiki Practioner and avid palm reader. Having sold two television pilots to Fox studios she combined her passions for yoga and writing. Heather is currently putting together her yoga novelty book and writing funny yet insightful articles for EJ! She loves good food, laughing with her friends and being outdoors. Visit her here.

Wow, you've set a new low here, Heather! Yoginis must rank as the least attractive women a man might risk his balls and fortune for. Don't you realize that a one-night stand is all that we'd be seeking – from the jump?

Or – explain to her that you would have picked her up in a Prius, but you discovered that the neodymium used in the Prius is mined in China by methods which are not only calamitously destructive to the environment, but have caused the incidence of cancers like leukemia and autoimmune disorders among mine workers and their children to skyrocket.

At this stage, even a Ford pickup might appear to be eco-friendly by comparison. Or not. Maybe you'd better just walk. 😉

I love this article. I'm not sure where the whole narcissism discussion entered into everything. I thought the article was tongue-in-cheek and quite clever. There were also many elements of true experiences that have had from having been on many dates in this life, both in and out of the yoga world. I'm glad that someone wrote an article that actually has a sense of humor about it. As a self-described Yoga Stud, I took notes on this article and intend to implement it on my next date!

Damn it! i am never going to get this Yoga Woman stuff right! i keep forgetting to not shave my legs and to wear pachouli. And I guess having him get me drunk and take me straight to bed is just out of the question………. (sigh)- Alexa M

Wow! The snarkiness in the comments here is bad even by EJ standards. Some are just plain mean – some merely snide. Really hard to not let fly with the second arrow. Here's a suggestion: if it's not to your taste, just move on and read something else. Humor is completely subjective, after all, which means that commenting negatively says a lot more about the commenter than about the article.

Some buds of mine were riffing yesterday on the movie "Enlighten Up." That's probably a more realistic portrayal of the yogini and her "man." The guy does all the yoga – even travels to India – to indulge her fantasy, and along the way, actually learns what he likes and doesn't like about yoga, concludes that it's not really for him, and moves on to something else – including another woman. The woman ends up confused — and out of balance. I recall that Yogalettes everywhere were promoting the movie with considerable fanfare – simply because one of their own made it, I suppose. Quite revealing.

Heather, this is funny, and so are you. I’ve been bitter from trying to date crazy yoginis, like the haters who posted above, but I can really appreciate this amusing article. In fact, I’m going out with a fellow yoga teacher next week, vegetarian options and all! And we both have our own yoga cult thang going on, I’m a Bikram yogi and she is a Yin yogini, should be a fun balance! I will let you know how it turns out. We both totally drink our seperate Guru’s Kool Aid.

Ps. I’ve also gone off and ranted about yoginis who “date meat eating assholes” (I actually said that after being ignored and stood up by some yoga hoes), so I can feel the thriving sensitivity in those haters posts. Dudes, get over it. Eat a special brownie, drink some wine or meditate or whatever, but if what you are doing is producing attitudes that result in the above comments, it ain’t working man. (any practice worth investing in should produce a daily, visible effect on your behavior, meaning you STOP BEING ASSHOLES AND START BEING NICE HAPPY PEOPLE) This Heather chick is funny and I’m gonna keep reading. Maybe one day I will meet a yogini who is a crazy about yoga as I am, or even better, share mutual love with a yogini who is NOT as crazy as you guys!

1) If you show up on time, be prepared to wait – on her papasan with her harem of cats.
2) Wait 20 minutes and, if you can get the cat hair off your clothing before she is ready to go, get out of there without saying a word. She won't notice for another hour or so.
3) Do NOT drive – meet her there so, if necessary, you can excuse yourself and get out of there without saying a word. She won't notice for another hour or so.
4) Open doors – of course, don't be a dick.
5) Play Krishna Das? – whatever. Better to hit it with Gabor Szabo's "Jazz Raga" and score points for recognizing authentic coolness from way back.
6) Skip the whole Whole Foods debacle since you are meeting her there.
7) Do NOT smell like an A&F store. Shower but skip the deodorant and cologne. OK, maybe a splash of Bay Rum but that's it.
8) If she offers to pay, tell her you'll thumb wrestle her for her share. Put up a fight but lose. If you lose naturally, now you know who's on top.
9) Don't complain. No, seriously, just quit that shit.
10) Tell her you had a great time and you've got an early day tomorrow (assuming you haven't run out on her already). If she seems bummed by that, tell her you'll thumb wrestle for another hour. You decide who wins this one.

Hi you have quirky and dry writing style which is good but I really don't like the way this article – throughout – reinforces all the typical stereotypes of yogi (nis). Plus men like to bond emotionally as well and physically bonding is important to women too particularly physically active body and mind aware women. Too many stereotypes to mention…. we are all individuals…even "yoginis" It is hard enough trying to dispel them and get away from the granola crunching chanting New Age activists image that we all aren't.

Disappointed. I have read many articles posted on Elephant Journal and this is the first to disappoint. A woman writer reducing women to laughable scenarios of how a man can manipulate a woman into bed? It was a surprise to read the writers bio and see that she does reiki and yoga…this is definitely not the development of feminine divine that is cultivated by doing yoga poses. I enjoy a good sarcastic wit as much as anyone but when it adds to the objectification and oppression of women… No Thank You.

I'm fine with satirical humor, but this attempt is lame, lame, lame. If you set out to denigrate human compassion and progressive attitudes about dating, at least be funny about it. Clearly, creative writing is not your strong suit, Heather Dawn. Better keep your day job, if you have one.

"Do offer to take your die hard Yogini to a kirtan event after dinner. Don’t go to kirtan if she accepts the offer. Hours of chanting will definitely raise your meditative vibrations but I’m going to assume your goal is to raise your yogini’s legs behind her ears ( a feat she’s quite capable of )."

Any yogini who is willing to let you get her legs behind her ears on the first date (unless it is in skandasana) is not the kind of girl a real yogi should date anyway. Remember Yamas: Brahmacharya? I do believe that would be translated to something like non-promiscuity.

But I suppose you were just joking. Still – why do we practitioners of yoga still pitch to the ignorant? We don't live the world standards anyway, do we? What does it mean to be yoked to Brahma anyway?