Greece, home of Athens. Everyone says yougotta go there. I’ll be honest though. I was notimpressed. That place is run down. All theirbuildings are falling apart. I think Athens is theDetroit of Europe. There is an economic crisisincredibly relevant in our world today, and no cityhas been hit harder than Athens. Sections of the cityare literally in ruins. Many of the homes I sawhardly had walls, let alone, ceilings or mailboxes.

Greece also contains the storied land of Olympia, birthplace of the Olympics. The Olympics originated as a religious ceremony. It was a way of worshiping the gods. I think I’d probably make church more often if I got to throw javelins throughout the service. Olympia is where the first field, track, and trampolining events wereever held. In fact just past an ancient archway near the historic greek arena, you can see the spot where the first olympic athlete to ever shoot up steroids took place. The first olympic athletes competed completely naked. I think that would make the relay race baton pass a little more interesting. Runner running, reaching back for the baton: That’s not it. That’s not it. That’s still not it. Geez, I think I’m in a relationship now.Greece sure doesn’t win as many events as they use to. In the beginning it was:

GREECE WITH THE GOLD!!!ANDGREECE WITH THE SILVER!!!ANDGREECE WITH THE BRONZE!!!GREECE HAS ONCE AGAIN SWEPT EVERY EVENT.

now its

GREECE, UMM, I GUESS YOU CAN COME WATCH IF YOU WANT. OR, I DON'T KNOW, DO HAVE A GUY WHO SWIMS OR SOMETHING. HOW ABOUT THIS, WE’LL LET ONE OF YOUR GUYS PLAY SWIMMING? IS THAT OKAY? THANKS AGAIN FOR THE OLYMPICS. NOW SCRAM!!

Watching an event that unites the world, on a cruise ship that has an international crew, was a unique experience. Although nothing makes me feel like more of a complete piece of shit than watching the olympics. Every athlete has overcome such adversity to make it to where they are. The back stories they do on each athlete get me every time.

Kim Sung was driving home from a practice late a night five years ago. His land was being hit by the worst storm in its small nations recorded history. Kim could hardly see the road on account of all the rain, snow, sleet, hail, wind, lightning, tornados and earthquakes. Kim was only a block away from his home, when suddenly, outof no where. His head exploded. Doctors said that he would never live again.But he proved them wrong. Now, Kim Sung wakes up every day at three in the morning, and runs 400 miles, just to get to the training center, that he built, out of nothing but pine cones and a love he has for a family he’ll never know.

Generally Im watching this while half asleep on the couch in nothing but my socks and underwear, and a dap of nacho cheese that has dried on my belly.

Santarini is Greek island that was once a great volcano. The majority of which has long since submerged underwater. Thousands of years of once flowing lava and volcanic rock have caused many of it’s beaches to be made up completely of black sand. To the south one beach is actually made up of red sand. Sandwiched in between these two anomalies of ocean front real estate, situated high on top of a mountain, sits the ancient city of Theos. Long since abandoned, archeologists have uncovered a relatively well preserved city for as old as it is (Athens, what’s your excuse?) As you walk through the site, you can really get a sense of what it was like to live in a town during 200 - 300 b.c.. Their main street leads you pass their theater which sits right across from the town bath house. Just like today. Separate from the bathhouse would be the town toilet. A large open air room, with holes in concrete benches that lined its four walls. This is where say tired toilet jokes to each other like, “You don’t buy mead, you just rent it” or “Man, I got to pee like a racepegasaus”

Sometimes in the center of the room they would have a small pond filled with frogs. With often a street filled with people on the other side of the roofless bathroom walls, the croaking of the frogs would conceal the bathroom noises. Inspired by this I’ve taken to carrying around a frog with me to mask the breaking of my wind. I’ve found that timing the passing of gas with the ’Ribbits’ of pocket frogs is generally more socially awkward that just simply being civilized.

One street was lined with living quarters of the Greeks residents. I assumed people moved back then. You live in Theos, but you think your business that details chariots might do a little better in Mykenos. So what happens to your apartment? Meanwhile a kid up the island wants to move out of his parents cave. Sure, he could build his own stone one bedroom apartment. But why not check at the pad of that guy who recently got fed to the lions. Were there landlords back then, showing places around?

"So this is it. This one of our larger units, it’s ten feet by ten feet. As you can see we rehabbed the joint a little. Now I’ll be honest, the last tenants really trashed the place. They would have minatours over at all hours, sacrificing goats to Zeus. In fact over by the window used to be a blood altar to Hades, but I’ve converted it into a nice little breakfast nook. We put a fresh coat of thatch on the roof, put a brand new layer of dirt on the floor.We’re going to take out that wall of old rocks and put in some new rocks. And if you turn around you’ll see, this is where we came in.

"What’s this in the corner over here?"

"Oh that? That’s a ‘hole’. Yeah, it’s a place to sleep in, they’re all the rage now. Sleeping on a pile of sticks is a thing of the past. I know it’s a bit contemporary, but hey, lets be real, we’re not living in the stone age anymore, this is 500 b.c. baby!!"

"Wow, a hole huh? Sound pretty great. What’s the deposit on this?"

"The standard, first and last months rent as well as the eye of Charybdis."

"Sounds great I’ll take it. Say, you ever wonder why we count all of our years backwards and end them with b.c.?"