Saturday, July 5, 2008

There are a lot of times when you see two people and you will swear up and down that they were separated at birth OR that you know who their secret love child is. You know, like how Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (the terrorist guy on trial who wanted the courtroom sketch artist to redraw his nose because it didn't look right) looks as if he is clearly the love child of a one Rosie O'Donnell and one porn star Ron Jeremy. Behold!

What'd I tell you? Or like how 2005 World Series of Poker Main Event Champion Joe Hachem looks ridiculously similar to the Count from Sesame Street.

And then there are the criminals who bear striking resemblances to people that we know and love. Like the BTK killer and George Costanza ("It wasn't me! I was in the pool! I was in the pool!)

Or the Austrian pervert and The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. (That bastard stole a whole lot more than just Christmas, I'll tell you that. Burn in hell, dude. Oh, sorry. That just seemed like the obligatory thing to say whenever that guy's name comes up. It's kind of like Tourette's. Only I can control it and I don't want to. Burn in hell, dude. See?)

And even American Idol Not-Enough-Vote-Getters-But-Very-Gay-And-Entertaining-While-They-Lasted contestants Danny Noriega and Sanjaya.

All very, very similar and the alleged relationships are based purely on wild, unadulterated speculation. But this one....hoo-boy! This one I don't know. I mean, I realize that I'm speculating, but I don't really think I'd be stretching it too much if I said I'm 99% certain that these two individuals are either one and the same OR were separated at birth. The only problem with my theory and that proclamation is that one is a cartoon and the other is not and that seems like it would involve some sort of cross species breeding procedure that I'm not quite sure has been fully developed to include the scope of cartoon characters and humans fornicating to reproduce. (And if it hasn't, I'm pretty sure they're really close.)

In Queensbury (that's in New York), a 38-year old man, a one Brad Ballard (or so he says), was arrested after selling hydrocodone pills on more than one occasion to an undercover police officer (which is almost never a good idea).

Mr. Ballard (or so he says) was charged with two fourth degree felony counts of criminal sale of a controlled substance. (They have fourth degree felonies in New York? Not just third? I mean, third is like the mildest of all the felonies. What in the hell is a fourth degree felony? It sounds sort of like, "Ah, we kind of have to arrest you, but we kind of don't want to, and it's not that big of a deal...but we've gotta come up with something. I know! We'll make up another level of offense, call it a 'fourth degree' felony and be on our way. Fair enough? Good!")

What? Can't place him? Sure you can! You're just confused because you're looking at the live version of him as opposed to the two dimensional animated version of him. Fine, let me help you out! Is he Brad Ballard.....or is he.....Peter Griffin?

I'm telling you, they are one and the same. I'm not hearing any dissention from the crowd (all six of you), so I'm sure I'm right. Keep your eyes open for the rest of the cast of 'Family Guy' to show up in mugshots near you soon!