Main navigation

Why being different is a good thing

I’m different. I march to the beat of my own drum. But it hasn’t always been that way.

I’m 46 and I can look back on my youth with the benefit of hindsight and the wisdom that comes with being a middle-aged know-it-all. (See? Self-awareness!)

I spent most of my teen and university years – and, in truth, well into my mid-30s – trying not to be the proverbial black sheep. I worried about being what I thought other people expected me to be, rather than focussing on just being me. I fretted whenever I discovered I saw the world from a different angle to my peers. At times the desire to conform and melt into the crowd of ‘normal’ was almost overwhelming.

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when I had the light-bulb moment that said it was okay to be different, but I suspect the turning point was becoming a dad. (I’ll come back to that later.)

These days I’m more comfortable in my own skin.

These days I recognise the things that make me different are also the things that make me unique and, well, me.

These days I recognise that if people have a problem with me being different then that’s their problem, not mine.

Fitting in

It wasn’t always like that. Not by a long chalk.

If you’ve ever done any of those personality tests – Belbin, Myers-Briggs, that sort of thing – you’ll know they’re all fundamentally based on a simple principle: people are different. We think in different ways. We tackle problems in different ways. We react to the same situation in different ways.

There is no one ‘right’ or ‘best’ category. Every type has particular preferences, strengths and weaknesses. No better, no worse, no stereotypes, only shades of similarity and difference.

In the corporate world there are certain personality types that are more prevalent than others. I’m one of the less common ones. It doesn’t make me inferior – and I’ve always known that – but it didn’t stop me from worrying about ‘fitting in’ or wishing I was more like so-and-so.

At 26, I focussed more on my weaknesses or perceived personality deficiencies. At 46, I focus more on playing to my strengths – where I bring something different or unique to the party.

A generalisation, but one which is broadly true: the smartest people value others who are different; the stupidest fear it.

‘Different’ is not bad or something to be feared

I worry about the world we live in. In our current reality, we are being taught increasingly to fear ‘the other’. We label them as different so we can regard them as inferior. We are tacitly – in some cases openly – encouraged by people in powerful positions to mock others or make them feel they do not belong on the basis of skin colour or physical disability or for simply having an opposing point of view. You’re either right (i.e. you agree with us) or wrong, superior or inferior, normal or somehow sub-human.

There is no room in our soundbite-driven, instant judgement world for people to be merely different. There are no more shades of grey – merely ‘us’ and ‘them’.

What a horrible world to grow up in, where diversity is something to be suppressed and not celebrated.

That’s all the more reason to encourage rather than discourage being different, and to feel proud rather than ashamed. Be the fairy-tale ugly duckling. Be the black sheep in the flock.

Different is not wrong. Different can be good. Different can be great. Who wants to live in a world where the only flavour of ice cream is vanilla?

Like father, like son? Not always

I said earlier that a key turning point in learning to view my individuality as a positive rather than a negative was becoming a father. More precisely, it has come as a result of watching our children each develop their own wonderful, unique personalities.

Here’s the thing with kids. Yes, they will inherit certain characteristics and preferences from us but, as they grow, they will develop as individuals too, taking them in directions we might never have anticipated. They react to the same situation in different ways, they are interested in different things, they may even develop fundamentally different values to us.

This is something to be encouraged, not discouraged.

I’m not saying we should force our children to be different or leave them to develop unchecked. But deep down every kid is unique and while it’s our role to give them guidance, it’s not our place to dictate their future. If we try to make our kids fit a cookie-cutter mould or turn them into Mini-Mes, we’re denying them a whole vista of opportunities and restricting their potential by imposing boundaries based on our expectations rather than their capabilities.

So don’t be the parent who is fixated on turning your son or daughter into one bound by normal conventions. (What is ‘normal’, anyway?) Help them learn to appreciate and indulge their differences. Celebrate their achievements and passions no matter what field they are in. Give them the best chance of growing up to be people we are truly proud of.

Wouldn’t that be great?

———-

If you liked this post, why not follow me on the following social networks?

Like this:

67Comments

An encouraging, accepting world that psuhes individuals to be the best each can be?! I love it. That would be great. As one article I read once, “Normal is just a setting on the washing machine.” I love your insights when you look to your kids and your life as a parent. Thanks.

I couldn’t agree more. Yes my kids have autism and ADHD and a bunch of other stuff, and yes I have a tendency(!) to talk about it all the time on my blog but really it’s because of what you say. I just want my kids to be happy with who they are and the best they can be (whatever that is or what they want it to be). So I spend a lot of time telling people about them so they know, they are different, not less. Perfect in many ways in fact. Thanks so much.

It’s so important that we share our experiences and knowledge both with our kids and more widely. One ofthe best things for me about blogging is the way it gives me a window into the lives of people who are totally different from me – families with 6 or 7 kids, single parents, those struggling with various disabilities or conditions. Without blogging, I would know so much less about such a diverse range of families – and that would be my loss. The saddest thing about the current political climate is that people seem so keen to identify those who are ‘different’ and blame all the problems of the world on them. There is no effort to understand, only to blame.

I love this Tim, and I feel this way about my youngest daughter Megan. She IS different, and for a long time I thought perhaps this was a bad thing, but last year I reached a point where I realised that actually, it’s an amazing thing, and all of the things that make her different are the same things that make her special. #sharewithme

It’s a real light-bulb moment when that happens, isn’t it? I’m not a confident person by nature and I always used to worry about trying to be less different. But with our kids now, I can really see how the fact that our boys are so different to one another makes them so much more than the sum of their parts when they do something together. It’s so easy for us to get fixated on our ‘flaws’ when instead we should be focussing on what makes us different and great – that’s a lesson I hope our kids learn earlier in life than I did.

That must be difficult, when a child’s differences to their peers are so marked. But that makes their achievements all the more important to celebrate, doesn’t it? In a much smaller way, for so long I hated the fact that I am so shy and socially awkward – but the flip side of it is that when I do form friendships with a small number of people, they are always very deep ones. Swings and roundabouts – in a way I have finally started to truly appreciate that my glass is half full, not half empty. And if the colour of my drink is different to everyone else’s, so what?

yes, yes, yes! As you say, what is normal anyway? We have to raise our children to recognise their strengths and their individual characteristics – there is nothing worse than seeing a bunch of teen girls all looking the same – dull beyond dull – and yes that is something I’m trying to encourage my girls not to be – not winning that one though, sadly! Anyway, moving on, I love that moment that you accept who you are – I’ve got a post in draft about this and it’s tied up with turning 40 too – that point you reach (oh and why it has taken so bloody long I’ve no idea!) when you just feel comfortable with who you are is just such a relief! Great read, Tim! #BloggerClubUK

Thanks Helen! It’s funny how strong the herd mentality can be, isn’t it? I was at an event a few months ago where a speaker was saying that this latest generation is now less about FOMO (fear of missing out) than it is about FOSO (fear of *standing* out), for fear of being held up for ridicule on social media and such like. It’s so sad, isn’t it? It’s hard enough to be your own individual and be different when all around us there are people (ahem, PotUS) telling us that anyone who isn’t just like us is to be feared or ridiculed.

Now doing Myers Briggs takes me back! You’ve got me thinking what you would be on that one. Thank goodness we are all different and while it might be harder for kids if they don’t confirm to the mass average, individuality is important and confidence gives us the courage to be different and content with it. #Sharewithme

I so agree with this, I have never striven to conform as it makes me uncomfortable, I am me a bit like marmite but try to be kind and open minded. I so hope our children grow up happy in their own groove because its a better place to be than worrying what others think xx

Great Post, I wrote about something similar recently (must be something in the air) I have always been different but although I never struggled to fit in, I just did my own thing, I did have inner struggles as to why I couldn’t be like others. Age brings wisdom and now I have an entire family where being who you are is encouraged and ‘normal’ is a dirty word. We are all only human after all.

In the end, we each define our own ‘normal’, don’t we? While I was never really on the outside I definitely wasn’t part of the in-crowd. Too geeky, too shy, too lacking in confidence. I’ve learned to accept what I am now, though – as much as I would like to be more outgoing and confident, I do just fine and that’s okay.

Absolutely. It’s the diversity of the human race that makes us so interesting – and yet there are those who can only see things in terms of the colour of their skin, their social class, their country of birth, their religion … 😦

Yes, yes, AND YES SOME MORE.
I used to be someone who wanted to be like everyone else but as I’ve gotten older I’ll do my damnest to be different. I want to be individual and just be me, I hate it when people feel the need to conform to someone else’s ideology. Loved this post. #thatfridaylinky

Thanks Rach. I think so many of us want to fit in when we are younger – it takes us a while to really find ourselves and grow comfortable with that. I don’t necessarily feel the need to be different but the reality is I am a bit left of centre in some respects and I’m now okay with that.

I just want my girls to be happy and themselves. I can see parts of me emerging in my eldest but I want her to find her own path, different or not. Ultimately as well, I would like her to be accepting of everyone, even if not the “norm”. Well written 🙂 xx #thatfridaylinky

It’s good to encourage each other to march to the beat of our own drum in a world that encourages us to be the same as everyone else. A useful reminder given everything that’s going on at the moment! 🙂

Exactly that. As someone who is obviously from an immigrant background, so much of the nationalistic, look-after-your-own-first rhetoric we have been hearing recently saddens me. It’s not the world I want for my kids.

Another great article and a good reminder to stay true to ourselves and understand others. I completely agree that in today’s world a different perspective is belittled all too often. We should remember that there are alternatives and that situations are not simply black and white. The grey is where alternatives and opportunities exist! #thatfridaylinky

I always wanted to be normal. Normal meant success. Normal meant following a plan. The light bulb moment or change for me was when I became a single mum. In societies eyes I had failed. I had messed up. This, believe it or not, was very liberating and empowering. I no longer feeling the need to be normal and live by the rules because I have manifestly failed at achieving the normal. These days I make my own rules. Pen x #PoCoLo

Making our own rules and setting our own standards is a good thing. It’s funny how so often we strive to be normal especially when we are younger. (I know I did!) And yet one person’s ‘normal’ is another person’s ‘average’.

Yes! Diversity of thought, of ability and of interest is what makes us human! It’s what makes this world such a fascinating place to live. Thanks for writing this, the world needs much more of this type of reflection. #thatfridaylinky

I totally agree. It does sadden me how sometimes we fear diversity rather than embracing it. So often fear and hatred results from an unwillingness to understand a different perspective or to automatically condemn it as wrong.

Great post, I wholeheartedly agree. I’m always reminding my son that it’s ok to have a different opinion or to like different things, whether it’s different to us or friends or anyone else he feels he needs to fit in with. I also remind him it’s ok for others not to agree with him too (that’s the one he most struggles with). Who wants to live in a world where everyone is the same?
#PoCoLo

Thank you for a thoughtful and honest account. There are times when I have stopped and realised that I’m trying to make one of my children something they’re not because I want them to be accepted and fit in. I think in a small primary class it can be survival of the fittest, Great post x

It’s difficult, isn’t it? We all have a natural desire to protect our children from being hurt, but sometimes we can be overprotective and by not allowing them to be themselves we can cause more harm than good. A tricky balance.

This is brilliant at one time I worried about what people thought about me but nowadays I’m me take it or leave it. I have always said to my children the same be yourself don’t worry about what others think it’s ok to be you really loved this post very thought provoking Thanks for linking to the #THAT FRIDAY LINKY come back next week please

I totally agree – being different is a good thing and we shouldn’t try to force our children to be ‘normal’. My daughter has always done things her own way at her own pace, and I’m okay with that. It would be boring if she was like everyone else – even if that means her way of doing things involves walking up and down stairs for hours for fun. #fortheloveofBLOG

Great post Tim. I don’t think I fit in well with the ‘in’ crowd of parents at school, but it doesn’t bother me because I’m not one for that kind of thing and like to do my own thing. I think it’s important that we raise our children to be independent and not to be sheep, but to stand out and be who they are, not who other people want them to be. Thanks for linking up to #ThatFridayLinky

Personality wise I see myself as being rather like marmite as i think i can come across as annoying sometimes. It has taken me a long while to accept it and accept that there will be people who wont like me and that is ok.
Hubby loves really alternative music and used to dress like something out of Interview with a vampire and we have both said when it comes to our kids, that we will follow their lead but if they want to be different in their dress sense, music or in other ways then we will support them and help them realise it is ok to be who they are. But for now, Little Mix and Fifth Harmony are the only things that cheers him up!! #PoCoLo

I have never been ‘similar’ to any one else in any way at all. I have always been different and am very happy to be that way.
My daughter and my son are also different in their own ways, we are each unique in our own rights and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Most of us people would feel they are different and the society is making them conform to it. However, we are also humans made of the same building materials, having many same characteristics. What I want to say is that it is already natural to be the same and different for every one of us. So I don’t know whether you wanted to encourage notion of finding and being ourselves, or just trying to be different. Because those are two different things.

So important – I tell my children this all the time. The younger three are probably too young to care anyway at the moment but my eldest is very conscious about ‘differences’ fortunately she’s very confident about being her own person and not following the crowd. Thanks for linking to #sharewithme

Very wise words indeed. I think I am slowly getting more comfortable in my own skin the older I am getting. My Dad has also said that if people have a problem with you then it’s their problem not yours. I’m trying to look at things that way as in the past I’ve worried about not fitting in, but really, I shouldn’t worry and just be happy with who I am. If someone else doesn’t like it, then we just don’t fit, and that’s fine. Great post xx #BloggerClubUK

Lovely earnest, reflective post. Such an easy way of writing. I am an avid fretter. It’s exhausting trying to be someone you are not and it’s a good point to raise to ourselves as parents with what expectations we are putting on our children. Diversity is good; difference and creativity make people interesting. I love drawing, my son despises it, it’s his choice. Whilst he has many traits of mine, stubbornness being one, he is not me and I love that he is himself. He came home from school the other day and said the other boys go to football and asked if he should too? I asked if he enjoyed it and wanted to and he said no…and that’s ok, its good. He’s decided he wants to rock climb instead, at five..that will be pricey lol #fortheloveofBLOG x

Isaac is similar. He joins in with his friends when they’re kicking a football around but he’s not really a sporty type. Sometimes he worries about the fact he isn’t, but even though I had hopes that all our kids would be sporty, I keep telling him that it’s fine for him to be more interested in what he truly enjoys. But that’s a big thing for a kid to accept – even in my late 20s, I struggled with that.