About colors and conflicts: My skin may be fair, but my soul is BLACK!

Note from BW of Brazil: Racial/black identity is a favorite theme here at BW of Brazil. It is always intriguing to read personal reflections of Brazilian women who come to accept what Irving Goffman called a “spoiled identity” in a country that encourages one not to be black provides insight into the soul of a nation in which the famed myth of racial democracy acts as a mask that covers up the widespread assumed inferiority of the black population. This rejection of blackness plays itself out in a number of ways from the media, to politics to the belief systems of everyday Brazilians, many of which only discover a level of black consciousness after realizing that they have always in fact been surrounded by anti-black sentiments (1). Below we present Regiany’s story.

About colors and conflicts: My skin may be fair, but my soul is BLACK!

By Regiany

First of all, I was never white.

But you will say this to those that always prefer to see in me only a thin nose, a white father, a parda (brown) mother and a very light-skinned sister with straight hair. They spent my whole life trying to convince me that my parda skin, of a light tone, would make me a menina branca (white girl), but I never accepted this.

In school, they called me German, to provoke me, (because) they knew that I hated the idea of being white. From a person with an identity crisis I came to also be called a racist, “that crazy one that hates whites and thinks she’s Eminem,” I heard this from many people, as much inside of the house as in any other place where I was. But for them, very well, they laughed and didn’t take me very serious.

It was very difficult because I didn’t feel comfortable with my skin color, being branca (white), morena (light brown) or parda (brown/mixed) wasn’t part of what I was. I wanted to be preta (black), I wanted to look at myself in the mirror and see my skin darker, because like this I would be pretty as my cousin Sil, or, would be as cool as (rapper) Mano Brown. But, at the same time, I would tie up my hair to hide the volume f my curls, the biggest mark of my black roots.

When I was little I would hear my father reproduce racist comments of the worst taste. This always bothered me a lot because my cousin was negra (black), my best friend was negra and my first boyfriend was negro. And may my father not read this text, because he never knew that I dated that “neguinho” (little black guy) that lived in my house, he only knew about the second boyfriend, because he was “branquinho” (a little white guy).

But also I grew up listening to the Racionais (MCs) (2) – super addicted! (The song) “Negro Drama” for me became an athem, my pleasure was the sing:

“Unbelievable, but you son imitates me, in the middle of you all, he is the cleverest, he’s got style and speaks slang, slang not dialect…your child wants to be black, ah, how ironic.”

I thought: thus is who I am and this is what my father deserves to hear. I found myself.

My father really deserved to hear (that), but I say this to him today in a more subtle way than Mano Brown.

Now, at age 25, I am learning to accept that I don’t have pele preta (black skin), I am a parda. Sometimes I turn red in the sun and my nose is thin, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not negra, this is what society prefers that I believe. It’s easier to embranquecer (whiten) everybody and annul our African roots.

I understood that the light tone of my skin doesn’t determine everything that I feel, believe, defend and doesn’t even hide my history and my family. It would be easier to straighten my hair and accept the label of branca, but now I choose to free my curls and say “I have black blood and how proud I am of this.”

I managed to find my negritude that they denied to me so much mainly when I understood that this went through my choices and being negra was always one of the greatest of them.

I chose to love my cabelo cacheado (curly hair), I chose to admire my African ancestry, I chose to respect the sacred of the terreiro, I chose to be a daughter of Iansã, I chose to support racial quotas, I chose to have a discourse of a black woman that recognizes the historic debt that Brazilian society needs to pay and I chose to be a voice that screams against racism and the genocide of the black population.

And to those that still wish to define me by a color, I offer the color of my soul, because this is indisputably PRETA (BLACK)!

1. Numerous essays and reflections touch on these experiences. For a few examples, see here, here or here.

2.Many Afro-Brazilians who come to accept a black identity speak of the tremendous influence of the hugely successful Hip Hop quartet, the Racionais MCs. Considered the most important, most successful rap group in Brazilian Music history, the group continues strong after more than 25 years.

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5 comments on “About colors and conflicts: My skin may be fair, but my soul is BLACK!”

D.J

February 9, 2015

Nothing more refreshing than racial consciousness. in admitting to herself who she is, she is also preparing herself for life outside of Brazil. How real white people classify her, from places like Finland, Ireland, Iceland etc. They would never classify her as white because they can see the African in her blood. It feels good to embrace your heritage.

This girl is courageous and an exception in the rule that everybody wants to be white.

Growing up in Brazil as someone who racially looks like Wentworth Miller I, on the other hand, always felt white. It’s not only because of the pressure of being white and all the advantages that come with it (and I’m not gonna lie that was not a factor) , but it was also and most importantly for growing up with white friends only that didn’t even know I had any recent black ancestry.

I think such a story is unthinkable in Brazil. And to be honest… I think we Brazilians are right about this. Having a recent African ancestor does not make anyone black. Looking black is what it does. Being discriminated for having African hair, being passed over for promotion, to be called a monkey in an altercation…

Probably, had I grew up in the US I would feel differently, but I’m not sure.

Mixed-race people have to live with a certain degree of schizophrenia. I think many people in Brazil are beginning to accept that they are in fact black not only because African-Brazilians are becoming more successful but also because at times, we mixed, both whitish looking and blackish looking, just want to be able to give a strait answer to the complicated question of – “what is your race?”

I do enjoy BW of Brazil you give me the prospective of the Afro Brazilian what they are thinking and how they feel about there blackness. Please keep up your good work. I have not visit Brazil yet but its on my list.