Things used to be different. I used to feel appreciated and loved by you. Now I feel like nothing, but an afterthought.

You come through those doors and I look up to greet you, but you never look happy to see me. So what do I do?

I chase after you into the kitchen and sit at the table as I watch you unpack your belongings and try to make conversation..even small talk.

Our words die and we part ways until a common entity calls us together once again.

I often spend time in solidarity. I am sure you contemplate as to why.

Every time they awaken you from your daze, you answer. You are alert and interested to them when they request your attention even if they just wish to tell you about their day, upcoming events, or accomplishments or to complain about a rough situation.

Why am I different? Is it because I am disabled? Am I such a strain that even the mere thought of my voice produces a cringe upon your face?

Maybe it is because I am the academic failure. Surely you would rather hear about the success of an engineer rather than a failed musician.

I know. It wasn’t my fault and that’s what you’ll say.

I know I have limitations……

but that is all you see. You are incapable of noticing the dreams, talents and passion I am capable of.

Listen to my words and my feelings. You once requested I speak to you, truth. Now I am invisible. nothing…but a being who takes up space in your home.

Anxiety. It is an invisible illness that many individuals are affected by. Anxiety disorders affect 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older, or 18% of the population. (source: National Institute of Mental Health)

For those of us who endure anxiety disorders, it is quite difficult to explain to those who do not.

Phrases we often hear are:

“snap out of it”

“you’re being ridiculous!”

“get over yourself”

“You don’t try hard enough”

“You’re just lazy”

People misunderstand anxiety disorders for laziness, or a person who is unmotivated to shape a better life for themselves. This is untrue. The truth is those with anxiety often do not have reasons for their behaviors, and do try to fight against them.

People who have this disorder will often exhibit many different behavior that society may misunderstand, or fail to recognize as a symptom.

Below are a few of them:

decline invitations, even if they wish to go somewhere

Imagine the worst possible scenario in every situation

compare their success to those who are close in age to them, such as friends and siblings

the feeling of being too mentally and physically weakened by the affects of their anxiety

“There comes a point where it all becomes too much. When we get too tired to fight anymore. So we give up. That’s when the real work begins. To find hope where there seems to be absolutely none at all.”

Death. It is something most of us are afraid of, even myself. Though, I am not necessarily afraid of its shadowy claws creeping up behind with a knife coming to claim my soul. I am frightened by the method in which I will depart from this physical life. I am scared to leave my most precious treasures behind. Mostly, I am terrified I will pass with unfinished business, and have made myself a zero in this world.

Time eludes us all. Death. It sneaks upon us like a stealthy, slithering snake and when it arrives, it wastes us until our souls are separated from our physical form. Someday, we will die. Be thankful that day is not today.