My First Novel

I have written a lot of things in my life. Not only the Vents which you devour like a rabid wolverine every few days, but also other things: legal briefs, academic treatises, letters of regret, letters of profound regret, letters apologizing for once again doing the things I profoundly regretted doing before, “sorry I made out with your wife” cards, etc. But the one thing I’ve never written is a novel.

A novel has always been sort of intimidating. For one thing, it’s so long and hard to keep track of. If Basil jumps out of the bathtub and murders the Bellamy triplets in chapter 9, people are gonna want to know who the hell Basil is, and why the Bellamy triplets were only the Bellamy twins in chapter 5. Despite my trepidation, I have begun work on my first novel. I thought I’d share a preview with you tonight.

I knew I needed a good opening line. I liked, “It was a dark and stormy night.” But that line is so cliche and hackneyed. So instead I opted for “Once upon a time…” and saved “it was a dark and stormy night” for the next line. Then, I needed a theme. Most people who’ve done this sort of thing before say you should “write what you know.” With that in mind, I knew a novel about a Bantu witchdocter or a hardworking lawyer was not in me. I had to find more familiar territory.

Next, I needed a hero. I finally settled on a strong archetype for masculinity. I named him “Daylin Leach.” However, it’s not about me. In fact the name isn’t even spelled the same. In the Novel “Daylin” has oomlouts over the “a.” Unfortunately, my computer doesn’t have an oomlout feature, so you’ll just have to imagine them. Finally, I
needed a title. I considered “The Bible 2” to soak up some of that name recognition. But after some angry phone calls from my publicist, I changed the title to “Daylin, Yippee!”

Anyway, here is a chapter by chapter treatment of the new novel “Daylin Yippee!”

CHAPTER 1 – “Once upon a time, it was a dark and stormy night…” This sets the stage for our hero as he sits at his desk contemplating life. He is a dashing and well-bathed young lawyer. His clothes look odd, but he knows they’re coming back in style any day now. The law is his life, his passion, his love, his entire being. Suddenly, this dude inexplicably comes in with a big wad of cash, and Daylin quits the law forever.

CHAPTER 2 – Daylin now needs something to do. He goes to the gym to think, and to bench 485 pounds, much to the amazement and admiration of the Swedish nymphomaniacs gathered there. They insist on having sex with Daylin (it’s only fiction honey, and it’s not me, remember the oomlouts).

CHAPTER 3 – The sex scene continues.

CHAPTER 4 -…and continues…

CHAPTER 5 – The Swedes now unconscious, Daylin goes out to pursue his hobby, rescuing kittens from the path of dump trucks. Daylin is on his 15th kitten when he runs into one of the judges he used to practice with before, who begs him to come back
to the law, saying, “without you Daylin, the law, like…really blows.” Daylin hugs the judge, and then dives into the street just in time to save that 16th kitty.

CHAPTER 6 – Daylin is haunted by the judge’s words. Perhaps he should be doing something more important with his life than having group sex with Swedes and rescuing kittens. But what?? Then Daylin has an epiphany. “I need to teach French.”

CHAPTER 7 – Daylin realizes he doesn’t know French. He then has another epiphany: “I need to be a writer” (we now enter the excellent world of the novel within a novel). “I will write an epic trilogy in 4 parts, tracing the story of two sexually
confused Pilgrims as they plan the linens for the first Thanksgiving.”

CHAPTER 8 – The novel is a huge success. Daylin wins the Pulitzer prize along with the Nobel prize in physics, just because they like him. The Novel is praised for its realism, despite being set in the 17th century, and having numerous references
to “Pizza Joints,” “Lincoln Continentals,” and “Big-Assed TVs.”

CHAPTER 9 – Basil jumps out of the bathtub and murders the Bellamy Triplets.

CHAPTER 10 – Daylin has a snack, wins Wimbledon.

I hope you are as excited about this Novel as I am. Soon my name will be mentioned in the same breath as Updike, Mailer, and Seuss. There will be whole college courses on the “Symbolism of Malt Liquor” in my writing. People will leave their homes in droves to attend silent readings of my work. And to think I waited this long to get started.