Pornstar Vs. Sex Therapist: Threesomes

By Playboy.com StaffApril 25, 2014

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<p>We have Jesse Jane and sex therapist Miss
Jaiya weigh in on a threesome conundrum. </p>

There are three categories of folks we trust with our sex lives: significant others, therapists and pornstars. The problem is that unlike with therapists and pornstars, the relationship you have with the person you’re getting frisky with can get a little tricky and sometimes put you in positions in which you need a second opinion. We’ve asked two of the most knowledgeable women in their respective fields to give you their advice. Miss Jaiya is a sex therapist who is known for her Playboy Radio consultations and for appearing on Playboy TV’s Sextreme Sex Life Makeover! And one of the world’s most famous pornstars, Jesse Jane, aka The Queen of Porn, answers your toughest sex questions.

My girlfriend and I have had threesomes before, but now she wants to have one with her ex-girlfriend of two years from college. We are in a committed relationship and I know that we’ve both been faithful to each other, but I just don’t know if I feel comfortable enough to introduce someone into the bedroom she has already had a relationship with. On one hand it is kind of hot to think about and I really enjoy when she has the chance to explore another woman’s body, but I feel as if I’m almost inadequate or something! What’s the best way to deal with this situation? Is there a healthy middle ground? Is there threesome etiquette you would recommend? —R.L., Austin, Texas

MISS JAIYA: When it comes to opening up your sex life to a third person, it is very important that you communicate authentically and honestly with everyone involved, and that includes being honest with yourself. If you are feeling afraid or inadequate, it’s time to look at what has you feeling that way. Do you fear that your girlfriend might fall in love with someone else? Be highly pleasured in a way that you haven’t been able to give her? Or is it that she might have such an amazing experience that she wants to open up more often? Talk to her about your fears and let her know why you are feeling hesitant. Also let her know what you think would be really hot and how you would like to be included in the experience. Talk beforehand about what feels really good to you (kissing, sensual massage, oral, etc.) and what might trigger feelings of inadequacy. Maybe you would prefer to start slowly with more of a sensual experience as opposed to a full-out sexual one. Try a night of giving each other erotic massages or just having a hot make-out session. If all goes well, discuss what really worked for you and what you’d like more of. The most important thing is that everyone communicates honestly and that it is clear that the two of you have a committed bond. If having a threesome doesn’t feel like it will add more passion and depth to that bond then it might not be the right time to open the doors.

JESSE JANE: Threesomes are always fun until you bring someone in that one or both of you once knew or had a relationship with. It may be another girl, but if your girlfriend was in a relationship with her, that fact is probably stuck in your head. The thing you need to know is their relationship happened in college, and everyone goes through an experimental phase when they’re that age, so whatever was between them is in the past. If you feel comfortable enough to get to experience these lovely women together and you’re still feeling some concerns, just tell her before you go through with this that she needs to make sure she includes you in the action and that she divides an equal amount of time between the both of you, not spending most of her time with her friend. Now go have some fun! Not every girlfriend is down with threesomes; consider yourself lucky.