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Hopefully I set this sucker up the right way. I guess I'll find out soon enough. More baking today... Happy holidays ladies.

Drag Ė thanks for the link. Iíve never seen or heard of Nigella Lawson. I do know who Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsey are. I donít have an opinion on Jamie Oliver. I havenít really watched him closely. Most of his dishes are gross to me. Gordon Ramsey is an ass but I canít help but watch him. Itís like watching a train wreck.

Wishful Ė The only doctor I see is my HIV doctor. The dentist I go to is at clinic for positive people so all their patients are positive. And I donít have an eye doctor.

Queen Ė Thanks for the lyrical reference. I had no clue. I thought she ment her cakes where lopsided.

Way to go Winiroo!!!! I love how you just jumped in there and like the title too.. And yes, Wishful did mean her cakes came out lopsided but her reference to the song just made it hilarious to me. Also, I know not everyone is into rap. Wishful and myself are a bunch of Thug Misses.... *throws up the hand sign for Eastside*.... Ok, you doing all this baking Wini, I'll have to put in my request for some nutbread or some banana bread.... I shall return......

Damn it to hell....This is why my team is 12-2.......Go Cowboys....Romo leave your woman at home....Both our losses have been to Philly....Read what T.O. had to say.....Cindy and Confused, I figured you'd get a kick out of this....Like Jessica knows about football.....

LOL I live about 15 miles from the stadium. I'm not a big fan but I've had my fair share of getting caught in the traffic.I think its kinda sweet she's trying to be supportive. You know anytime a player comes up sucking at a game fans will make up reasons. Could be her, could be he just screwed up.

Wishful~ I eventually told all of my docs my status, having been poz almost 14 years now. Back in the day I didn't tell my dentist or eye doctor until I needed to. LOL at "lean wit it rock wit it" or whatever it was you said about baking, lmao!

Crazy me, I didn't see there was a page 2 on the last thread until now. Yes, Whitebread over here got the rap reference, even in all of my Metal-Headed Glory! lmao!

I'll be honest, I am getting quite bummed, crying every night about my dog, Casie. I walked Cheech earlier and just leaned my head back and looked up at the night sky, and started crying thinking of her being gone. Damn, I wish she was here! Iceman was out of town on business these past couple of days, so not as much talking. Then my phone he gave me was acting up, so the text messages weren't getting through.

I just feel alone tonight. I really miss my girl, she reminded me of Rudolph the Red-Nosed reindeer when she was little. Sigh.

I'm going to go hug Cheech and make some tacos.

Also, BT, I lost my turkey meat for the sandwich in a kitchen drawer, not in the fridge. Can you see my blonde highlights from where you are? LOL

More when I feel better, I can't smell, taste or hear, and my ears are ringing. Shit.

I'm sorry Cin for your loss. It is funny how casie reminded you of rudolf. My dog reminds me of one of the deer in 'THE Year without a santa clause...when they have to put the socks over their antlers. LOL

So no real updates. I stayed the entire weekend with spencer and just had THE very best time. He had his kids the last few days but he is free tomorrow night. He is making dinner which I'm really looking forward to. He asked me what kind of wine do I like and we both emailed each a dry merlot, but if chardonnay Kendall Jackson. That kind of stuff happens all time.

We laugh and laugh when we're together its just soooo great. We email each other everyday at work and text each other at night.

There was one little incident on sunday. He is in the divorce process from his wife, the same time as my husband and I. He was just telling me that in the year in a half she's never just gone over there. She did sneak in once but he changed the locks. She didn't know it cause when we were watching tv we heard the knob rattling than the door bell ringing. OMG.....I thinking I should hide, cause she's crazy and is desperately trying to find evidence for more money. So I run into the closet in his bedroom hiding...unreal right? She comes flying in with all the kids...and all them have to use the bathroom, and pick up items they don't need. It was like they were on a mission. This women starts screaming at the top of her lungs just rehashing old stuff. She sound like Jeff's wife on Curb your Enthusiasm. The kids were sent to the car. He asked her to leave and she said she wasn't leaving.

Now five minutes before this all happens I'm thinking, wow, this is soooo great. No drama, alcoholics, screw ups just normalcy. The irony that would follow cracks me up. But even with its drama it makes me look back to the past relationships and makes me think, "I wasn't thinking, was I in some stupor, was someone hypnotizing me, slipping me mickey's." Why did I put up with so much bull shit. But you know what, that's the past. And the only place to go is forward.

Cam~ I'm glad to read that you and Spencer are doing so well together and that you're happy. It must have been crazy with the ex and kids barging in like they did. I have gone to the grocery and to restaurants with Iceman near his place, and I can't help but wonder if we'll turn the corner and see his ex and the kids. I wouldn't want to meet the kids like that, to just be right there with their father, all of a sudden. They are young and the divorce may take some time with them. Iceman already said that I'd be staying at his house sometime when the kids were there, down the road, so he seems pretty "OK" with it. I am too, but I don't want to upset the kids, it makes me nervous to think they might not like me or something. Well, that's for in the future, there's time before I get to that chapter. They are adorable, though, he has two girls!

I spoke to Iceman a little while ago on the phone and confessed that I was down in the dumps over Casie. I have been so weepy tonight, so tired. I just hugged Cheech and fed him cookies while we watched the lights twinkle on the Christmas tree. That always calms me. Iceman made me laugh on the phone, he always does, he's always smiling, I can hear it in his voice and it lifts me up.

Thank goodness for him, thank goodness.

Also, Jessica Simpson is a ditz, but I better hush up, she could be a distant cousin of mine, lol! The Redskins definitely want her at the next game, lol!

I baked the rest of the chocolate chip with walnut cookies today. 3 dozen Then made oatmeal raisins cookies and as an experiment I took a granny smith apple and diced it real small, put a tablespoon or so of lemon juice and a 1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon mixed it up zapped it in the microwave for 40 seconds and added it to the batter. So now they are oatmeal raisin apple cookies. They came out tasty. Made the house smell wonderful. I wound up baking 84 cookies. I counted them because I needed to figure out how many I could put in each bag. I don't know if I'll bake anything else. I think I'm out of ideas plus my legs and shoulders are aching.I might, I donno...

I'd be freaked out hiding in the closet from a woman that sounds like she's psycho. Women are scary unpredictable things. LOLGlad you made it out of there intact.

Sorry about your puppy Cindy. I've never dated a man with children before Billy. He has a 20 year old son. When we met his son was 16 and lived about 300 miles away. Now he is just up the road about 15 minutes. Met the ex wife. Shes ok, she is nice to me, friendly and chatty. I dont think I'd choose her for a friend knowing as much as I do about her but she doesnt have to be my friend for me to be nice to her.

Just checking in, thanks for the new thread. I am sitting here watching some talk show and they are talking about Britt Spears little sister who is 16 being pregnant. Gee some have all of the luck. I am 34, successful, own my own home and cannot find a decent guy that is not married to procreate with. Oh such is life. Well I must say I got a laugh out of Cam's story. Sorry don't mean to make light of the situation but it sounds like something out of Desperate Housewives.

yeah I read that on the news, Sun, shows how much birth control, let alone condoms, are on the agenda doesn't it?

good morning everyone!

I dont even know what i'll do today, i'm in a whirlwind of things i need to do. someone at work is having an important thing today and i would have liked to go but i will just be sneaking in & out... or not! I left my desk full on this, but there are things i need to buy, clothes i ned to try, a suitcase to pack, and my hair to do... oh welll ican always work a little from home if the guilt really stings.

Cindy, I still miss my C. so much. 18 years!!! everytime someone here loses a dog i want to write something. it seems silly to miss them for ages and ages, but it sure happens! i have her as my desktop so i see her everyday,

I will not have access to the forums but I will be checking mail, I wanted to ask you to email me if something happens that is really important. Esp with Mike (tnboy). I will post a list this evening (my time) with all the ppl that came forward to donate meds. Can you do me a really huge favor and update this list if more people come up or if there rae any changes and then PM him? i figure it has been 3 days now so these will be most of the responses, but just in case... is it OK if I write it on that thread? that's all you need to do, possibly update the list and email him. I just dont want people to PM me and I wont be able to see it and he might miss out on some options, and i know he is too sick to read the thing and make the list himself.

I will be back on 7.1. will be stopping in amsterdam with some friends, cos actually i fly back on the 4th.

Like you I am also greatful... I talked to the BF yesterday, he was booking us a 4 star hotel on the coast in portugal, 30 km from lisbon, romantic... i have been there before with my own private doofus 7 years ago (not in the hotel, in those parts of portugal), this will be a neat closing circle! i am really excited, its so beautiful out there, hopefully not too much rain, but its rainy even in the summer so...

Betty, yeah we travel easily here, but Europe is small, I think its the size of just 2-3 states in the US. flights are cheaper too. actually the US is really expensive, hotels and such are more expensive there. For me the tedious thing about traveling is making it to the airport on time. I don't trust the Dutch trains (no one does) so we always have to leave far in advance and take late flights.

I am still nervous, but listening to MP3s of councelling sessions just last year that I had exactly on these issues - going to Spain in the holidays, and then giving a big presentation at work in late Jan. History is simply repeating itself. its amazing to see what i was like last year. i was so afraid that my Bf is going to find a job elasewhere and leave, and that he doesnt want to live with me. now i worry that he doesnt want to have a baby with me, or get married. God so much activity in the mind of a woman.

Cam, you did tell the story with a comic twist. the good thing is you dont need to make a good impression on this crazy woman. who knows maybe if she knew someone was there she'd be more restrained. how awkward for her. but did he stay in the family home? isnt that usually the opposite? how old are his kids? how uncanny that you're both going thru the same stuff... i am so glad you enjoy each other so much.

Queen, how's the hearning aid issue? Like Cin said I'd bug them nonstop. so frustrating. what are they there for if they dont understand that people rely on these things?! that makes me mad.

I got to start my day, take meds and eat with them. I'll stop by later for a proper farwell.

Hugs to all,

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

This is the situation. I still live with soon to be ex. Thankfully we have 3 floors I have my bedroom on the 3rd floor and office.He has his bedroom and office on the 2nd floor, and the tv/library is a shared room. But we have a very amicable relationship so it works, we're trying to sell the house.

Spencer's ex has the house and kids. He is living in a garden apartment. My main concern was the kids. The wife had other men at the house which is completely effed up, but that's her and I do know she is off a bit. I want the kids to know that they will meet me as opposed to me shocking them.

I have never dated a man with children before and I know it will be a challenge. The first thought is, "I hope they like me".....but that's not always the case.

Hey I got this far and got through some much bigger challenges so its just another challenge.

Cin, I am so sorry about your little Casie. I know how much animals can be missed. I had a beloved cat named Casper before that almost killed me when he had to be put to sleep. And another cat named Misty that used to get on my back when I was on the floor on my hands and knees and roll around on it (my back) who, I believe, got outside and someone took her, b/c she never was an outdoor cat. That almost killed me too. My cat I have now (Poppy) and I are so close. Every time I talk to her, she looks right in my eyes. And she bats her eyes at me and lets me rub her belly. Pets are such wonderful companions, a real part of our family. Just know that your little Casie is looking down on you, watching you and Cheech and wishing she could have some cookies also!

Cam, my God, woman! Is his ex- a mental case or something (now remember, psych is my major, I'm not putting down mentally challenged people)? She sounds like a real doozy. I'm glad she didn't attack you. And I'm glad you're happy. I wonder myself, also, when I think back on past relationships, what may have been wrong with me. Of course, I tend to blame it on the drugs I was on clouding my judgement.

Wendy, thanks for starting the new thread! It's a good title also. Girl, you're just baking your ass off, aren't you? Those apple/raisin cookies sound really good. See, I wish I could experiment more, but I don't know that I trust myself. You sound like you really can come up with good ideas.

Queen, I agree with Drag about the hearing aid issue. I would bug them nonstop until something got done. You depend on your hearing. They should know that. You haven't mentioned Rico your last couple threads. What's going on with him?

Drag, I wish you a marvelous holiday! We'll miss you here. So you're going to Amsterdam, eh? When I was in my drug days, I always wanted to go there because of everything being legal there. Will be you partaking in anything? Anyway, I hope you have a lovely time and I can't wait to hear all about it. Sounds like you'll be staying somewhere really nice.

I guess I will be making some more molasses cookies, probably Sunday. Today my therapist comes over and I have to go to the store to get a few things. I saved up a big $21 on my food stamp card and I want to spend it. Tonight at my church they're having a thing called "Blue Christmas" which is for people who have lost someone close in the last year that I'm going to. I like the lady who's having it. She's a good speaker.

Oh, btw Cin, I bleach my hair, so I can relate to the blonde thing. Have a good one ladies-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Nothing new goin on here..oh except im thinking bout moving back to florida...i think i need to be alone n single for a while to get my head together esp about the disclosing issue..i feel really guilty sometimes and i think thats y im pushing youngin away.. i feel like he could do better than me..he is young and prolly wants more kids of his own..i cant give him that..on top of that im poz..He is a really good guy..i just dont think he is for me..

I am a bit tired today so I will try to address everyone. If I miss anyone please do not take it personally. I talked to Ed(ENT guy) on Tuesday. The Magic Box didn't do anything for my hearing aid, it is shot. Because the ENT does not accept my insurance there is nothing else they can do. Though Ed did take my insurance number and physician's inquiry number to see if there was someplace else I could go, that was on Tuesday. My concern is the cost of the hearing aids. My insurance will only cover $1500 and I know now I will need to get the other one too. I will look over my insurance papers and give them a call tomorrow.

I haven't been mentioning Rico because honestly I thought everyone prolly got tired of hearing about him. I was trying to give you a break but since you asked Betty... Rico came over last night and we all got drunk off of tequila margaritas. And some tequila shots, I had 3... Poor Rico was throwing up later because he had started drinking at his house with his room mate and failed to eat. Amatuer.... But I took care of him during the night. He woke up with a hangover and I woke up just fine...

Cam, I was in that situation once, hiding in the closet but circumstances were a bit different.. I hope you and the ex don't have a confrontation because to me that is what it looks like she was trying to do. Poor kids, they didn't need to be involved in what took place even. I smell drama in your future but if you are serious about Spencer then stand your ground. So did Spencer accept the disclosure? I missed that somewhere.

Wishful, I know what you mean about the guilt coming into play with not disclosing. Every time I get close to disclosing to Rico, he says some real ignorant shit. It really shows his ignorance about hiv. But why do you want to move back to Florida? Happier there or running from the young buck? Weigh your options and do what you think is best.

Cindy, Sorry about the loss of your pet. I know nothing can replace Cassie but maybe you should get another one. Someone you and Cheech both can love.

Dragonette, Enjoy your trip. I wish I could travel to such places.

I need to go. I haven't eaten yet. I need to check in on Rico and then spend some time on WoW. I'll check back in later.

well Ladies, this is really my last post before I go, I have time tomorrow but I will spend it running around. i do feel very lucky... I never thought I would be doing these things either.

Betty no, I don't indulge anymore... I did once spend a very hazy week in AMS as a tourist. But I basically smoked all the weed I have been allowed in this lifetime during 10 years, and I haven't in the last 10. BTW on weed, hash & mashrooms are legal here, although in AMS you can get chased by a pack of dealers trying to seel you any other drug, but that's illegal. But weed and shrooms have become legal in many other European countries in the meantime as well. If I wanted to smoke I could get medical marijuana, there is a shop right next door the the hospital. BTW the legal stuff is legal all over Holland not just in AMS. Even in Israel if you are poz you can now get a license to grow and carry your own. But even though I am sometimes tempted, it just made me too paranoid... it was not really a choice anymore.

Queen, I hope everything works out for you. What can i say, it makes me angry this hearing aid thing. Hope it resolves asap.

Wishful, don't run away to Florida. If youngin didnt want to be with you, he wouldnt. Dont tell yourself negative things. You dont know what his reaction would be. Cindy I will check my email. Give a New Year's kiss to Ice for me too (on the cheek right?), he totally deserves it.

Have a wonderful Christmas & New Year, cozy and happy, all of you, I mean all the women here on the forums, we are not so big so I feel like I know everyone - a very big hug. here's to a peaceful, happy, drama free holiday season. Much love to you all.

« Last Edit: December 20, 2007, 06:24:10 PM by Dragonette »

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

My life has taken a tragic turn. I am so crushed by what has happened to me tonight.I am so sad that words cannot explaine my feelingsSpencer and I exchanged gifts and had a great time. Then around the 11 o ' clock hour he wanted to tell me that I was smart and and beautiful and yet this monster would intrude on his not so perfect life.

honestly i have been shattered. We had such a great night and then all the sudden he tells me that this is our issue. He asked me to stay over and then 2 hours later it's different. My head is effed up. And I am really distressed. Life is good but I'm having a hard time seeing it.

Cam, damn it! Fucking damn it! When he talks about "the monster" he is referring to the HIV, correct? I agree with Drag, he is the monster. Why would he lead you on like that, just to do something like this? Oh gf, I am so, so sorry. You certainly don't deserve this! Here's a great big {{{CYBER HUG}}} for you! Please take it easy on yourself. We love you and we don't see any monster!

Queen, wow, what a hassle with trying to get hearing aids. I really hope the whole thing can get resolved soon. I can't imagine what that's like, trying to make out what people are saying and not being able to. I'm really sorry it's turned into such an ordeal. You and Rico sound like you're keeping each other company. Hey, are you doing any baking or cooking for Christmas?

Wishful, what do you mean move to Florida? Why do you want to do that? If it's bothering you to be in the relationship with the youngin', just take a break from it. You need to make sure that Florida is where you will be permanently happy before you pick up and do a major move like that. Just sayin'

Hey, I wonder how NY is doing with the new little one. Maybe she'll check in soon. If you're watching NY, I'm sending you and your new boy a huge {{{HUG}}}! And Cin, I hope you're doing better, with the whole grief thing. Last night at my church they had a service called "Blue Christmas." It was for people who have lost someone (and that included pets) significant in the last year. It was wonderful. At one point we had to go up and choose an animal or two that represented who is was we had lost and put it in a manger scene. There were little doggies up there (and kitties). I chose a bird for my mom because her favorite song (one of her favorites) was "His Eye is on the Sparrow." Anyway, Cin, I thought about you and your little Casie-girl. Just keep goin' girl, that's all we can do.

Drag, I don't know if you're checking in before you take off, but I hope you have a wonderful time! It sounds like it will be fantastic. I'm looking forward to a full report when you get back! And pictures if you take some! I want to go to Greece, and Spain. I would love to visit the ancient ruins in Greece. I would also love to go to Rome.

Today is laundry day. Other than that, I really don't have a lot going on. I watched the first 1/2 of Angels in America last night. (It's 6 hours long). Today I'm going to watch the second 1/2. Has anyone else seen it? It's an excellent movie. I wish I would've seen the play when it was first made. I hope all you ladies have a good day-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Hello ladies. Cam, where the hell did that come from. I am so sorry to hear that Spencer is having problems. And to call it a monster. Sheesh. I am okay, just working a lot. Have too much to do today and not enough time to do it. I did go to Robert's Christmas party yesterday and it was fun. Later, Ladies. Have a merry Christmas. Wendy, love the new title. Cristy

The monster being the virus. Let me clarify things, I called it the monster in the moments of my hysterics. I'm at work and I can't stop crying. My exhusband (he lives on the 2nd floor) heard me crying last night and came up and laid next to me just to comfort me. I guess life can't be that bad. Matty the damned is so sweet too. He had the nicest things to add in a PM.

I'm SO sorry about Spencer. It made me cry just to read about it. It shows you something about who Spencer REALLY is if he cannot accept you as you are .... you deserve somebody that will love you unconditionally.

Damn, Cammie, Sorry to hear things didn't go well with Spencer. I was hoping that the monster was the ex. Funny how 3 little letters can change everything. I know you are hurting but like folks say it is better to find out ahead of time. But the rejection hurts like hell. Disclosure is and always will be a bitch, I don't care what anyone says.

Betty, I think you asked about NY. I pmed her last week, she is doing fine. She had said she had 2 papers to write for school and that after getting that out the way, she would check back in. I meant to mention that before but I think I was holding off to see if she would check in.

Wishful, Where you at? I hope you are doing well and haven't went back to Florida. Not w/o thinking it over. Get in here and let us know how you are doing. You know we are worried about you. I know how hard disclosing can be and the pressure it can cause. Remember, you got to do what is right for you.

As for me, the latest on the hearing aid is that now my insurance company will cover the cost for the repair. Ed called them. I don't know what he said but I am grateful for him helping me out. I have to go in on the 28th to get another hearing test. Not sure if my hearing aid will be ready but I am praying that I haven't lost anymore of my hearing.

Queen, I'm glad that your insurance will pay for your hearing aids to be repaired. That should be a big relief.

Cristy, you sound like you're working too much. When do you get to take a break?

Today I'm taking a friend to the train station. She's going home to Detroit for Christmas. My parents were from Detroit. Then this afternoon I'm going out to eat with a friend and going to a meeting (NA). Tomorrow my church is having a potluck after church because of Christmas. I can't believe it's only a few days away. I don't know why I'm up so early. I think I might go back to sleep for about an hour or so. I'm dragging ass. My left sinus is really bothering me. When I got pushed down the flight of stairs by the guy I used to live with, my left sinus was crushed. The doctor couldn't clean it out because of all the bone fragments in it. So now, it always bothers me. All I can do to relieve it is press on it. Ugh!

What are you ladies' plans for Christmas? I know there's talk about it in other threads on these forums, but I was wondering what you guys are going to be doing. Have a good one ladies-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Hello Ladies. Cammie, I am very sorry about your situation. I do think it's better to know now than later. Betty,I probably am working too much but it will slow down after this week. Only problem I'm really having is I am not very hungry. I have to force myself to eat cause nothing is appealing. You can't tell from looking at me but I think I'm losing weight .I will tell my doctor about it in January. Queen, check the Dragon thread. I bred both my girls but got no eggs. I will try again with my pink when she grows up. Sorry about your hearing aid, that must be very frustrating. I hear ya, He's a amateur. LOL I think that's funny.. ML, sorry about Casie. I have had a lot of pets but had 1 cat in particular that really stole my heart and when I had the vet put him down, I cried and cried. I still miss him so miss her but don't get too down. Everyone else, Take care, hope you have a great Christmas. I am off to bag up the goddies so I can give them out to my coworkers tonight. Later, Cristy

Hey girls, there's a new update. I went home from work yesterday sad and sad and did I mention sad.I'm not a chatty type on the phone but I went to the hotline to talk to a girlfriend and fill her in. As I was talking to her I got a text message from spencer. He wrote as thought nothing happened "hey bird (my nickname) got out of work early today...oh and you left your sweat shirt here. Maybe you can come by and pick it up abd we can talk.I texted back, "I am in a lot of pain right now and I don't think I'm ready to talk" (i'm thinking, mail me the friggin sweatshirt)His text: Well, I'm willing to talk whenever you're ready"my text: I meantioned that there seriously is a whole in my world ......His text: ME too, I actually miss you terribly.my text: (soften things up) we ok, and I really do love you his text: I love you too and I will text you later this weekend

I need your help girls. I need to get all the best possible resources to assure him that I will not put him in jeopardy. I will bring it on!

Sounds like good news Camille but let's wait to hear everything he has to say. It does sound like he is willing to accept you which is very good. I am not trying to rain on your parade, I hope he does realize how special you are and is willing to move on with you. I can't help being a little reserved. I am like a mother hen with those I care about and I don't want to see the wind knocked out of you again. Let's just see what after the weekend brings, shall we. I will keep my fingers crossed for you, bird.....

This post will be brief because I am a bit tired. I was up til 7 am playing WoW. Rico is suppose to come over but how I am feeling, I wish he wouldn't cause I look like stir fried shit about now... I need to see about fixing something to eat.....Cya

Sorry I have been away for a little bit. I was reading here last night, but I was so tired -- I got to work at 630am on Friday and left early to be with Iceman yesterday afternoon.

Thanks for all of the well-wishes about my Casie Girl. I am a little calmer now, but I was really bumming a few days ago. I just try to smile as I listen to Cheech snore in the hallway here. I wish he had his big sis here this Christmas.

Cam, I am so sorry about all of the confusion with Spencer. My personal opinion is this...Even if things are awkward right now because of the disclosure, he needs to be a man and NOT text you his feelings. He needs to see you face to face, you need to cry together, you need to print the transmission thread, you need to tell him that the virus is very fragile outside of the body. We don't want him turning into a Doofus and thinking the virus is going to run a 50 yard dash into his pecker, trying to infect him at record speed. You get my drift.....it sounds like you are willing to fight for this man. Normally, I would say "no" to the fight, because most guys don't change their initial reaction to the news when we disclose and it goes bad. They tend to stew over it and think up the worst possible scenarios in their minds, getting all bent out of shape. My advice is this....You two have known each other and have a good foundation AND you are willing to fight for him. Yes, it will be work, you will have to tell him all of the things about HIV that are simple thoughts to us, but are a great unknown to others who don't know any better. Make Spencer know better! The best thing you can do is educate him about transmission, let him know how many meds are out there which have turned this virus into a chronic condition for many. Buy a book at the store and go through it with him, just check the copyright date and make sure it isn't too out of date, as some are.

Talk, talk, talk to him and keep the lines of communication open. Let Spencer know he can ask you anything, but also, you should offer up things as well on the topic, so that he becomes more comfortable discussing it. I hope that things turn out in your favor, but remember to be strong, this may not be easy, as he already has demons floating around in his head. Get rid of the demons, and let him know that you are Cam, with a tiny virus, you are not just a virus in itself, it doesn't define who you are.

Drag, Portugal also sounds so romantic! I hope you are well on your merry way to having a fantastic vacation with your BF! I will check tnboy's thread, but last I read, MtD said he can take Invirase and Kaletra? I have to recheck it tonight. I hope you are feeling well during your travels and warming up some, too!

Wendy, so much talk about baking! Now I want to make brownies and throw in some applesauce to experiment, lol! I don't have any apples around and don't dare try to go to the store tonight. I have 3 batches of brownies to make, plus a white cake with vanilla frosting for Iceman. We are taking brownies to my aunt's on Christmas Day, and the rest of the junk is just because! Funny, I noticed my face was filling out some and was looking better, my GF said it today as well. I have gained 10 lbs since meeting Iceman, but its mostly in my lipo gut, dammit! Still, I'm gonna have my cake (and brownies) and eat it, too, until after the New Year. I might try to start exercising then, Iceman said he would help. I know what exercises would be my favorite with him!

Cristy, have fun giving out your goodies. The more I read this thread, the more I feel I should get my ass into the kitchen to bake! Thanks for sharing your thoughts regarding Casie. It means a lot.

Queen, you got me laughing at you looking like "stir fried shit." Now come on, GF, you can't be looking that bad off. Go have a Calgon moment and refuel yourself for Rico. I need to catch up on your blog, too!

BT, thanks for thinking about me and my losing my little Casie when you were at your church service. Its sweet to hear that you chose a bird for your Mom. My grandmother passed in Feb 2005 and every time I see birds, I think of her because she loved them so much. Your Mom is prob chatting with my Grandma right now, they are looking down on us tonight, saying, "What strong girls we have down there!"

Sun, how are you doing with your LL? Give a check-in when you can. You have some time off work now right, after all of the marathon hours you were putting in?

Tendai, I hope you are well all the way down over there tonight. Whats new with you?

Em, how is everything going with bringing your daughter home? Seems you and your daughter are BOTH getting the best Christmas gifts of all this year, out of any of us. What a great thing it is that you are doing. Best of luck to you both with the transition as you start your lives together.

Confused, srmn and Dawn, how are you ladies doing this holiday weekend? Are you baking? Wrapping gifts? Still shopping? LOL

NY, NY, I hope that you are doing well with the new little one. He IS a handsome little fella! Thanks so much for the link to his pic! Check in soon, when you get a chance! I hope that your house is a little more settled and that you and the kids are excited for the holiday!

OK, so I mentioned earlier in the week that I had two anniversaries. I may start another thread, just cause I feel I need some love and need to hear that I am doing OK. It was this very night in 1993 that I got my test results back. Yep, 14 years. I didn't think I would be alive today, even though when diagnosed I said, "This couldn't have happened to a better person, this virus isn't going to get me." They seemed to just be words at the time, something to convince my numb self that I could still live, even though I knew for sure I would die in a few years. I am so glad that I was wrong. I was 24 when I was diagnosed. I remember that night like it was last week, whew, heavy.

Iceman met some of "my people" for the first time today. He drove 30 minutes from his house to get a truck from work, and then was in a crawling backup on the highway for an hour, driving to my place. We then drove to my GFs house, I call her "Little Sis" cause she is the little sister of my (ex) best friend who wrote me off in 2002 when I disclosed. Anyway, Little Sis gave me a loveseat that she had, so I FINALLY have a couch in my living room, that Iceman helped me to move. It has slipcovers on it so Cheech can get on there to his heart's content and everything can be washed! I fell asleep on it earlier, lol. Little Sis and her husband are both Scorpios and they met Iceman, and everyone got along great! She and I are becoming really close, its a nice thing, and she is so giving! We couldn't let the afternoon go by without discussing her horrid sister who wrote me off. Little Sis had a Christmas photo of the Ex best friend and her husband and two kids that she had sent. The sister doesn't keep in touch with Little Sis much, either, its like Little Sis and I are too strong and ex best friend/sister is too damn insecure to handle us. We started making fun about how she needed to work on her look, the Christmas photo wasn't looking so hot, lol. Oh well, not our problem. Little Sis said Iceman looks like Cal Ripken Jr, formerly of the Baltimore Orioles. He's has his hair cut really close and has really light ice blue eyes. Little Sis was sweet as she hugged Iceman goodbye, she said "Take care of her, she's a good girl."

Ah, to have good friends again is nice. I isolated myself so much when I worked on that damn house with Doofus, shit. Its time to start anew.

Iceman has his girls tonight, but will come over Christmas Eve, and wake up with me on Christmas Day! At 3pm we'll go to my aunt's where he'll meet Mom and Dad and family, about a dozen of us, so a smaller group. Usually we have 25 or 30 people at my aunt's, with all of my dad's cousins there. Not so this year, just a smaller group.

Also, tomorrow, Sunday at noon, my support group is having a little get-together. We usually meet on Friday nights, but we skipped last night, instead we are having a "Christmas Brunch" with lots of food and gifts for everyone. Our group leader, Deb, always cooks things for group on Fridays, and tomorrow's brunch is sure to be extra special! There will probably be about 8 of us. We were told we could bring family and friends, but no one is doing that, everyone else is so busy. I would've invited Iceman, but he has his girls.

Damn, I wrote a lot, sorry, lol! OK, I need to go eat dinner and make some brownies! Yummy! Merry Christmas to all!

Wow, Cin. You must've had a lot on your mind. I'm so thankful you have Ice. And I know what it's like to have real friends. I have a best friend that I met in 1989 at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. We didn't like each other at first when we met, I think because we're both so alike. But as time went on, we became inseperable. I legally made her my power-of-attorney. Then during the years of my relapse on all that prescription medication, she became my payee on my social security check because I was so far gone I couldn't manage my money. Well, she never, never mismanaged my money and always made sure I had my bills paid. She stuck by me as a friend. When I got clean this last time, a little over two years ago, she was still there. We still get together quite frequently. I've been my own payee again for quite awhile, but I am so thankful to her for everything she's done for me. She's still my power-of-attorney and I wouldn't have it any other way. She's been there for me on several occasions. When my mum passed, she was at the funeral. We just went out to lunch yesterday and to an NA meeting. She just celebrated either 18 or 19 years on Dec. 2. What she's done for me is indescribeable and I'm so thankful for her as a my best friend. And I have other friends, who I know are real friends. That means a lot. I'm so thankful. We were talking about gratitude last night at the meeting. There is a place in my town called Hope Rescue Mission that feeds anyone who needs a meal 3 x a day, every day. Well, I guess one day last week they ran out of food and had to turn some people away. I can't even imagine. That alone makes me grateful. I get so sick of listening to people who really don't know what it's like to have it hard bitch about every little expense that comes their way. I think "WAKE UP!" But, I guess it takes all kinds. Anyway, now I'm prattling on. Hey, did you get everything baked? Today I'm making more fudge and molasses cookies. I do hope you have a wonderful Christmas. You deserve it, my metal friend.

Queen, stir fried shit, eh? Did Rico make it over? How is everything?

Cam, all I can tell you is be careful. If you want to fight for him, then do it. You have a good head on your shoulders. Cin gave you some awesome advice. Educate him. Do you have an ASO that's close that maybe someone there could talk to him about things? Would he go? I think the transmission thread is an excellent idea for him to read. But please take care of yourself. I don't want to see you get hurt more than you already have been.

Cristy, I'm gald you'll be getting a break after the holidays. Are you working New Year's Eve? Or are you closed then? If you are, watch out for the drunks! There's sure to be a lot of them that night.

Well, today after church, there's a potluck which I'll probably stay for. I don't really have anything to take. Maybe I'll take some fudge, since I'm making more today. Yesterday here it was 50 degrees! How peculiar! Today it's supposed to be in the 20's and snow. Ugh! I think Mother Nature is having fun with us because of the holidays. I remember last year it didn't even really snow until February and this year we've already had a bad snow. I hope that it won't be bad today. I'm not ready for all this cold! Oh, I'm still smoke-free, though, so I haven't been as sick. I just wish my doctor would get back the phenotype so he knows which medicine to prescribe next. It should be back by the end of this week.

I think I mentioned ealier (quite awhile back) that my doc prescribed Valtrex for a cold sore I had. It did nothing. Actually it's more like a bad crack in the corner of my mouth and I always seem to get this when the weather turns colder. So he prescribed liquid Nystatin. I'm thinking "now, how is this mouth rinse going to help a crack that's on the outside of my mouth?" So when I use it, I just pour some over the crack. It does seem to be helping some. I've now noticed though, that on the left side of my neck, near the sternum, I've developed a very dry, coarse even, patch of skin. Now I wash my neck twice a day when I wash my face and put Oil of Olay on it. I can't imagine why it's so dry. I have some Aveeno lotion, which seems to be the only thing that helps my skin, so maybe I'll try that on it. If it doesn't help, well, I guess I'll get my doc's opinion. Have any of you ever experienced this?

Other than that, have a great day ladies! Countdown to Christmas-*humming "Here Comes Santa Claus"*

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Hi BT~ Its nice to hear that your friend is so loyal to you. That's what Little Sis, her husband, Iceman and I were discussing yesterday -- loyalty. Evidently her big sis didn't have it where either of us were concerned, since she wrote us off. That's OK, Little Sis and I say, karma is a bitch, and Little Sis and I won't be the ones in a padded room! LOL

You are STILL baking? OMG I got on the scale this morning and I have gained 12 lbs since meeting Iceman, omg. My face looks awesome, and my legs look a little better, cause they were chicken little legs, but I tell you. This lipo gut is taking on a mind of its own! Its going to be lots of water, protein shakes for breakfast and omg I might have to start running after the New Year. That should be a hoot! LOL

As far as the rough patch of skin, it may be eczema. My skin started changing over the summer, esp around my nose where it got really dry and then it was still oily underneath. To quote Philly (lol), "You can't moisturize flakes. You need to exfoliate, THEN moisturize!" LOL, I will never forget reading that! So, BT, slough away the dry skin in the shower, even if its with a washcloth, don't dry completely and then put the Aveeno on to calm your skin and lock in the moisture. Keep an eye on it, it may just be a reaction to all of this dry air. Watch your bod, though. Sometimes that patchy stuff starts showing up all over the place in the winter, like on the sides of your ribcage, your back, etc.

Iceman sent me a text this morning to see if I was awake at 730am. I was in a deep sleep but we texted a little bit, he has the girls over, so we keep things private as they don't know about me yet. It was a nice, cozy way to start the day here, sending a few messages to him.

Its supposed to be in the upper 50s here with rain and 35mph winds today, BT. Its going to be a bitch for those last-minute shoppers. I am considering getting one more gift for Iceman, but I am doing research online first to see whats out there. I saw the gift before and passed it by, but it keeps bugging me, like I should have bought it. They say that's when you should go back and get it, right? LOL We'll see, but I'm not gonna spill here, until after Christmas, in case he reads these posts!

I need to get ready to go to group in a bit. I made brownies with Nestle mini kisses in the mix, it comes in a silver box. There are four bags of mix in there! These mini kisses are bigger than M&Ms! I still have two more bags to bake to take to my aunts on Christmas day. Yummy! I am going to take the movie "A Christmas Story" in for us to watch at group today. Someone else wants to watch "Wonderful Life" which I have never seen, but I need a good laugh today, so I am voting for Ralphie! LOL

I guess it may be quiet around here this weekend with people being busy with family and last-minute things. Work is closed Monday, so I have a 3-day paycheck coming up after this coming week. Oh well, I have credit and equity! It'll all work itself out over the next year or two!

I wouldn't put applesauce in brownie batter, its too liquidy. I am pretty sure your brownies would not come out right. FYI applesauce can be used as a substitute for oil to reduce calories in baking. So you could use it instead of oil but not as an addition to the already made batter. I wonder if you would even be able to taste diced apple in a brownie. My guess is no. I'm thinking it would only add texture.

Now I'm over analysing...

I made sugar cookies yesterday half frosted half with sugar sprinkles. I am done baking. We are going to my brothers house today to celebrate Christmas with the entire family. Billy and I will have the kids over on Christmas day too.

Well, I made it to my sisters house and now just kicking back and relaxing. Last night I had a date with a + person. I started talking to him a few years ago but kind of blew him off not due to him but just to being in a bad place at the time. So he met me at my house and he was nice looking. Two years ago he had bought me a Yankee jersey and that kind of freaked me out since some guy that I did not even know was buying me stuff. But nonetheless he brought me the jersey and I loved it and brought me another shirt from his work. I had bought him a hat when I was Disneyland and then put together a little Christmas bag of goodies together for him. But to back up we went to dinner, Italian and he paid. I offered but it was nice that he would not let me. Then we decided to go to blockbuster and rent a movie which he would not let me pay for either. He said that I was the girl and not supposed to do that. We took the movie back to my house at which time we exchanged the shirts and gifts. I was lighting candles when he opened his gifts and he came over and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. We watched the movie on the couch together, I would not say that we were snuggling together but we were laying close and head to head. We then began holding hands and he kept caressing my hand. That was all nice but the minute the movie was over and I mean the minute the movie was over the credits had not even started rolling he jumped up and said first date rule I must leave now. He gave me a hug good by and we kissed just a little bit while standing at the door and he said that he would call or talk to me tomorrow. I then got a text page that said sleep well I had fun. So I guess what I am struggling with is the fact that I cannot tell if he is interested or not. He did not even tell me that I looked pretty or nice. I guess I am just re-living the first time that the Latin Lover walked through the door he told me I was hot and how beautiful I was. One of my friends said it sounds like this guy just maybe a gentleman or just really nervous. I guess maybe both, he did tell me earlier via a text message that he was nervous. I guess this is just a turning point for me, since I am so use to rushing into relationships and having guys fall all over me that I do not know what to do when I guy takes his time. I could not sleep all night wondering if I would hear from him again So I decided to text him today to see how his shopping was going, he said it was nuts. I then thanked him again for dinner, movie and my shirts and hope to see him again. He texted back I am looking forward to it if the mad Santa's don't kill him first. So does this guy like me or not??? I HAVE NO FREAKIN CLUE. What do you guys think?

Well, I am looking forward to being on vacation even though it started to be a hectic one. Mom had emergency surgery on Thursday night and we were not sure if she was going to make to my sister's but she did, but she is just very sore.

Well, I want to wish all of you in the dating thread a happy holiday, and look forward to posting on a daily basis and will actually get to feel like a part of the group and adddress each one of you, like I use too.

Cin, I have gained 20 lbs since I quit smoking-yes 20 lbs! My face did fill out, so I guess that looks better but I, like you am having severe lipo-belly issues! I mean, good Lord! I can't run because of my knees, but I can sure start doing some gentle aerobics after the 1st! I told my doctor I wasn't going to do anything until after the holidays.(my diabetes needs to get under control). I believe in Karma also. I'm done baking. I made the last of the fudge today and the last of the molasses cookies. Only these I didn't roll out and cut with cookie cutters like I did with the last batch. These I just rolled into balls and rolled in sugar. I'm getting anxious for Christmas. I can't believe tomorrow is Christmas Eve already!

Wini, I hope you had a good time with your family! Do you all get along well? I remember ranting in an e-mail to a friend of mine about how important it is for family to get along rather than getting the "best" present for Christmas.

Sun, I don't get it. You're not understanding this guy because he wasn't falling all over you? Maybe he's just trying to treat you how a lady should be treated. That crap some guys spew about how "beautiful you are" only used to impress me when I was in my teens. It sounds like you try a little too hard to make something work out i.e. offering to pay for dinner. Let a guy treat you good for heaven's sake!

I got a letter from the university I go to yesterday in the mail congratulating me for making the President's List. I took 12 credit hours and got a 4.0 GPA for last semester. So that made me happy. I hope I'm not repeating myself. A friend of mine at church told me he would frame it. We had a potluck after church today, which was nice. Tomorrow I'm going to a Christmas Eve service at 5:00. They're having one at 11:00 also, but I doubt I'll even be up for that.

I hope all you ladies have a good evening!

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I did recover in time for Rico to come over last night. I had my Calgon moment. I gave Rico his Christmas present early. I really didn't do any shopping for anyone but he really did need an electric shaver. I could tell it did touch him that I thought about him. I didn't have any plans to get him anything but saw it and knew he needed it. I gave it to him early because we may not see each other on Christmas. I think he is trying to spend time with his son and I may be.........

Now get this, Christmas must bring out something in people. I heard from all my sibs except my baby sister who's bday was last night. She more than likely went out partying...She just turned 27. My mother's bday was on the 21st, I thought about her as well, she would've been 69. Back to the sibs, first I hear from my one sister, the one who makes it her life's mission to disclose for me. She invites me over for Christmas after she gets out of work. I then hear from my oldest sister a bit later. She wasn't going to go over my sister's house but changed her mind when she found out I was going. Then the next day I hear from my brother in GA. I must admit I was surprised. And before you girls try to say they may be having a change of heart-----NOT FUCKING LIKELY!!!! The one sister only extended the invitation because she either wants to be nosey or brag about her crackhead man. I did accept the invitation. It will definitely give me something to blog about.... My brother called to confirm if I was actually going to my sister's house. I thought that was weird cause I can count on one hand how many times I have heard from him this year. Oh and he had to tell me how he broke his thumb doing something. Uh, ok, the conversation lasted about 3.5 minutes and ended with "I love you sis". It'll prolly be about this time next year when I hear from him..

Not really much else to report. Been in bed most of the day. Haven't been feeling good since yesterday. My sugar crashed for some reason. I was shaking, took my pills, managed to eat but still ended up with a headache that seems to be trying to make it's way back. I got up this morning and cooked Rico some breakfast. Since then I have been feeling really sick to my stomach but not the urge to hurl. Why do I end up feeling sick close to holidays....If it doesn't get better by Christmas, I will have to back out of the invitation. I am just hoping I can sleep it off.

I am sure it will be pretty dead in here tomorrow and on Christmas. I hope you all enjoy your holidays...

BT~ Congrats on the 4.0! I sure don't miss my college days with all of that studying, lol! Never going back unless i really want to, and right now, hell, i don't want to! Yes, I have gained some weight, but my jeans are still all baggy around my legs. I look athletic, but when you buy jeans to fit around your gut, they end up flapping in the breeze around your legs! Somehow, I don't see me wearing "slim fit" as I have always been a big girl, but who knows? This bod is out of control! LOL I have just been eating whatever I want lately, and they say when you're happy and in love, you tend to gain weight. That's the case with me!

Sun~ Your date sounds a little off to me, no offense. It sounds like he IS very nervous. I wouldn't go texting him, play hard to get and lay low. You have family and the holiday to distract you right now. If this guy likes you he will call. If this guy likes you and he is a chicken, he won't call cause he's too nervous. Those types aren't so great in my opinion, too wishy-washy and unsure of themselves. Also, about him not falling over you and complimenting you--it again sounds like he is nervous. Don't take it personally, cause its him, not you. Have a good time at your sisters!

Win~ OMG, you're tearing up my baking idea, lol! I never said I was Betty Crocker, I bake from a box these days and that's it, lol! The gay guys at group today loved the brownies and I sent them home with a plate of leftover ones!

My support group was nice, we had so much fun I almost wet my pants and couldn't stop giggling. I KNOW I turned bright red cause I was laughing so hard. Deb (our group leader) had the 12 of us sit in a circle and then gave small gift bags to 4 of us. She read a Christmas story, and everytime you heard the word "right" or "left" in the story, if you had a gift you passed it over to the person next to you in that direction. It was hysterical, probably a good drinking game, lmao! "Mrs. Wright said that she had left her right snowshoe inside the door, right next to her sled. Some had left for the walk already, but she said she would get the right snowshoe and hurry right back." See what I mean? OMG! Twelve adults passing gifts back and forth and around that fast was absolutely hysterical!

We played trivia games and got to pick from piles of gift bags, so I got about 5 gifts. I also won one of the doorprizes, a Smithfield ham! I am going to make ham sandwiches for Iceman tomorrow when he comes over! I can't wait to see him again!

Most of the people left group, but five of us stayed and watched "A Christmas Story," laughing our butts off! Then there was just Deb, two gay guys that are a couple, myself and another hetero woman. We stayed and talked about some deep stuff for awhile, about meds and relationships and things. I started talking about being vulnerable and always trying to be in control because of my health. It got intense, in a good way, and I teared up some. They have never seen me get really serious about things, and I was comfortable showing a softer side of Cindy, rather than just the funny, strong side. (I am always cracking jokes with the gay guys there!) I was talking about Iceman and how happy I have been, hoping that I can live to be 75 and enjoy a long happy life. Hopefully with Iceman, if that's where this journey takes us. I'm not really scared or nervous, I am pretty confident about us having a strong, mature relationship where we communicate well. Its just that Doofus up and left me out of the blue and I didn't expect it. I thought HE was going to be my happy ending, but thank goodness God intervened and had Doofus leave me, otherwise I never would've met Iceman.

I'm a very happy camper. Merry Christmas!

Oh Queen, you posted while I did. Here I go thinking you gave Rico the obvious "gift" for Christmas, the gift that keeps on giving, lol! That's nice that you got him a shaver, seems like you're reeling him in, so don't be surprised if he falls even harder for you. What's up with your tummy? You need to get some Pepto or something, I hope you feel better. I love it when my sugar crashes, its been happening a lot since I have gone back to work and I am adjusting. It means I get to eat junk, lol. I know, I know, I'll do better after the New Year, God willing. You bundle up tight, looks like your neck of the woods may be very cold and windy tonight.

Ooh, Iceman just called, he usually doesn't when he has his girls. Woo-hoo! He's yelling at his Ravens, lol, what a hoot!

Cin, you know, I really enjoy getting educated now. I didn't used to like school. Now, well, other than the algebra, I like it. I'm seriously thinking about continuing my education when I'm done with what I'm doing now. Either getting a master's or another bachelor's. There's this college here that has a bachelor's in political science. I was reading online about the degree and people in that program do their residencies in like senators' offices, places like that. I would so love to get into politics! Indiana is such a f** up state, with our governor making everything "privatized." He's selling off the whole state. His latest bright idea is to put a $2/pack tax on cigarettes to pay for the state's new insurance program for children. Now, you know I'm no longer a smoker, but come on. He already put a .75/pack tax on at the beginning of this year. Smoking is the gov.'s pet peeve. And you know, since the 80's, alcohol has only gone up like 8%. It hasn't followed the cost of inflation. I say tax the booze! Anyway, now I guess I'm ranting. But I would really like to check out that degree. Your support group sounds really great. I had to miss the one they have here last Thursday, but I will be going this Thursday. Then I'm going to have to miss it again when school starts, because one of my classes is on Thursday nights.

Queen, that was really nice of you to get Rico something for Christmas. Did he get you anything? Good luck at your sister's. I know she's really messed with you in the past. I hope this Christmas she will be amicable. I know you'll watch yourself. I hope you're feeling better.

Today I'm going to bleach my hair, as I usually do once a month, and redo my nails because my polish is chipping. Usually I only wear clear polish, but since it's Christmas, I'm going with red. Tonight I'm going to a service at my church. I'm also going to make some frosting to frost the molasses cookies I made yesterday and decorate them with red and green sugar. I might even make another batch of them, who knows. I got my cat a stocking that I've put goodies into and a new cat bed for Christmas. I might give them to her tonight. I wish I could dress her up in a Christmas outfit, but I know she wouldn't like that at all.

Tomorrow I'm going to pick up my dad about 2:30 and we're going to my oldest sister's. Her daughter and granddaughter will be there, which will be the first time in five years for them to celebrate holidays with the family. They've been kind of estranged. Some riff started five years ago and my niece let that keep her away. But she and her husband have separated (he was a huge part of it) so she's coming back around. I look forward to that. I will be taking rolls and a couple plates of goodies. My grandkids will be there. My brother and his girlfriend will be there. My nephew and brother-in-law will be there. Oh, and my grandkid's "mother" will be there. So it should be a nice day. *Keeping fingers crossed that no fights will start*

I was thinking about trying to stay up and go to the 11:00 service at my church. I hear it's really nice, better than the 5:00 service. But I don't know if I can last that long. Now that I've gotten older, I can't seem to stay up much past 10:30. And hopefully this week my doctor will get the phenotype back so he knows what to prescribe and I can get on some meds that will work quickly and effectively.

I hope all you ladies have a blessed Christmas Eve and a wonderful Christmas tomorrow. I'm sure I'll check back in at some point.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Well Sun, I have to say the o'l saying....actions speak louder than words. This guy could have told you he loved you a thousand that night, but I'm thinking he's nervous.

Thanks guys for all the advice. I was getting text messages because he was with his kids and 4 states over.

There has been a update.

He is taking me to a really beautiful (my favorite) restaurant tonight. I was very confused when he asked me of course. And clearly had to make sure it was not because he was feeling guilty or pity....pity dinner's don't go well with me. Then he said, that I has his heart (and I will adheed to my advice to sun about words) ........and doesn't want to lose me. The connection we have is obvious and will not let this go, as he puts it.

Trust me I have my walls up, running shoes on and mentally prepared. It takes a lot of courage to disclose and I've done it many times. Spencer was the most difficult. After Thursday night I had a flood of emotions running rampant.....the resentment and anger I had towards Jack even started to manifest itself. (For some newbies, Jack was an ex who I contracted the virus from). I sat in my chairing thinking about the rest of my life. Thinking about how I've lost a very special guy from all of this and is this what I have to look forward to. The grace of God got me through Friday because to me a lot of things seemed pointless.

The ill feelings towards Jack have even passed and I just want to look ahead. I have Christmas with my family tomorrow and I'm uber happy about seeing them all. I hope each and everyone of you girls has a great holiday with your loved ones.

I know many of you are anxiously awaiting Christmas. I hope you enjoy your time with your families and opening up your presents. Basically, I was trying to do Christmas this year but couldn't. Bills, Bills, Bill, and all that. Oddly enough I don't feel bummed that I couldn't give presents. I did give one to Rico which he needed but even when I did that, I was not expecting anything in return. It just felt good to be able to help. I did get help from my ASO to get something for my son. He thinks I didn't get him anything so when I tell him I did, that will be a gift in itself, hoping he likes the gifts that is. I did get some presents but was not expecting them so it was nice. I opened mine already, I couldn't help it.... My birthday is next month, I'll be 39, so I have to plan on what I am going to treat myself to. My best friend usually gets me something but since she gave me a Christmas present I am not expecting anything from her.

Camille, I hope dinner with Spencer goes well. It sounds like he has come to his senses and knows what he could've lost if he decided to turn tail and run. I hope it all works out for you.

I had a killer headache last night but am feeling much better today. Happy Holidays...

I'm giggling after reading BTs post. I used to paint my nails red all year long, got really nice hands from my mom with long natural nails. This past year I haven't painted my nails except for maybe two times. This afternoon, I painted them red! LOL Yes, BT, it must have been an ESP moment! Iceman said last week that I have really long fingers and that was with short nails and no polish, so I'd figured I'd "get my sexy out" for him! LOL

BT, its funny, if I went back to school, I would most definitely study math or accounting. I would love to be a math teacher one day or maybe tutor, and algebra was always my favorite! OK, so NO ESP moment on that note, lol! Also, I heard from a co-worker that the price of cigs are going up $2/pack here, too. I wonder if its a nationwide thing?

OK, my neighbor is mowing his lawn and the two lawns down from him. I hope he goes "right" and mows mine, too, since I have the end unit. LOL I hear the weed-wacker going now. If he has mowed my lawn I will take him and his roomie a half-dozen brownies! Have to go look in a few....

Cam~ I'm glad you have your walls up right now. Its early in this "discovery stage" between you and Spencer, and as you spend more time together, you will know his true intentions. Hopefully your walls will come down, but only for good reason. I am so nervous for you, praying to God that Spencer isn't wining and dining you because it is so early in the relationship and because its Christmas. Forgive me for saying that, I just know how much you adore him, and seeing your post the other night when you were upset really upset a lot of us here. We only want the best for you. The true test will be after Valentines Day, no more holidays, just regular ole life, going to work, getting together, growing together. I really hope he is the one for you, be strong and keep a good head on your shoulders. Are the socks still in the fridge?

Queen~ That's nice that you'll be able to surprise your son with a gift. It also sounds like you'll be with the sisters for Christmas. Goodness, I hope they don't start a Jerry Springer moment over there. You'll have to blog or give us the scoop here when the day is over tomorrow. Glad to read that you are feeling better.

I have spet the day cleaning the house and playing with Cheech. He was sick a lot last night, something didn't sit right in his doggie tummy, not sure what. Good thing he "missed" the tree skirt and the presents, but it was close! Damn. He is better now. Its a beautiful sunny, clear day here, and tonight is the full moon. Its about 50 degrees out this afternoon, very mild. I need to get myself ready and get that ham in the oven by 4pm. It will take a little over 3-1/2 hours to cook! It sure will smell good in here! Iceman will be here after 8pm or so and we'll just have a quiet evening together. Hopefully we can just relax on my couch (yay I have a couch!) and watch the lights on the Christmas tree while Cheech snores at our feet. I am looking forward to that.

I can hardly wait for the morning to see my niece and nephew open their presents. The house is crazy. I made dinner for my sister and brother in law and my parents. For some reason I have the cooking skills and my sister did not get any. I have been asked by several family members to make Christmas dinner but I will let my sister since its her house. Last night I made Chicken Parmesan, it turned out pretty good. Today I have spent most of the day talking with the Latin lover. It seems like old times and our conversations have been really deep today. He felt the need to tell me and be honest that he was spending the night with his kids at his wife's house but made it very clear that she has offered to sleep with their daughter and he could have the bedroom. I really think that he is feeling guilty about being there and felt he needed to tell me but wants to be with his kids on Christmas mornings. I am OK with it since we are not together, and I really don't feel like anything is going to happen between them since nothing has in 16 months and if it does I don't want to know about it. But you know how you have that feeling, and my feeling is that nothing is going to happen, based on our conversation today. Its to long to go in to but I think he may be regretting his decision not to be with me. But I am really not going to worry about it if it happens it will happen. We are both kind of down this Christmas and this is what sparked this particular conversation. But enough of that.

Moon- Hope Cheech is feeling better soon and you enjoy your night with Iceman. Your first Christmas together enjoy every minute of it you will never have a first Christmas together again.

Queen- I am glad you don't feel about not getting anybody gifts I cut way back this year but I am glad Rico enjoyed his shaver. Have a wonderful Christmas.

Cam- Enjoy your dinner with Spencer. Just keep your walls up, I have been through the same situation as you before. I even have my walls up with the Latin Lover and you are right actions speak louder than words. Enjoy your holiday and cant wait to hear how dinner went.

Betty- Enjoy your time with your dad and if you make to your church service enjoy. Happy Holidays

Winiroo- Happy Holidays to you and I think I will need to steal your sugar cookie recipe.

Hi Sun~ Wow, you're absolutely right, this will be our only FIRST Christmas. Iceman is on his way here now. He called coughing saying he didn't feel well, and you know what? My dumb ass fell for it, lol! He had me going, all concerned about him, lmao!

Cam, what can I say. I hope your dinner went well with Spencer. I don't blame you for keeping your walls up. I would also. But hopefully he's sincere in what he says. I wish you a wonderful holiday and peace in your soul.

Queen- I'm so glad to hear your ASO helped you buy a present for your son. That will make Christmas special. Have a good one at your sisters tomorrow and like Cin said, please fill us in when you get back!

Sun-wow. LL now? Girl, you get around! I don't know if I'd believe him when he says he's spending the night at his ex's, but they're not going to sleep together. Hmmm...... something just doesn't sound right. Maybe I'm just kind of callous after all these years and observing men. Anyway, have a really good time at your family's! Just take it easy. Something will work out for you.

Cin, I absolutely luv that picture of you and Cheech! I'm glad he's feeling better. I gave my cat her presents already, which were a stocking with play mice and kitty treats in it and a new kitty bed. Now she has 3 beds! She likes everything. She's my baby since I don't have a kid or anyone else living here. Gotta spoil somebody! I hope you and Iceman have a really good evening. It's tomorrow you're going to your family's I think. Have a really great time, Cin. You deserve it after all the fight you've put up to improve your life. Oh, I usually don't polish my nails red, only clear. So tonight was a special occasion. That's funny that you did yours also! Well girl, you just jam on the algebra. Not me. If I continue my education it will either be in counseling or political science. I still don't know how I managed to get that A in the algebra. Have a great Christmas.

Anyway, I went to the Christmas Eve service at my church. It was very nice and I teared up a couple times thinking of my mum and how much I miss her and wish she were here. I cried on the way home. It seems like the grief has really been hitting me lately. I guess for the next year it will just come and go. The service was very nice, though. My church does a lot of social justice and when the pastor talks, she always mentions something to do with social justice. Tonight she was talking about celebrating the birth of Jesus and how we need to help single mothers who have babies and have no other support and nothing for their children to look forward to. In the hallway in our church are several bins which we collect food and different supplies in to give to charities throughout the city. Even one for the Pet Refuge.

Other than that, I think I'm going to watch The Birdcage or if I can find It's a Wonderful Life on t.v., I might watch that. Tomorrow is Christmas at my sister's at 3:00. Until then, I'm just going to relax and maybe do some reading. I hope all you ladies have a blessed Christmas! I wish peace for us all!

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Well, Christmas is here. Of course, my cat already got her presents, so this morning there's no gifts. That will have to wait until I go to my sister's. I wonder what Drag's doing right now. Traveling around the world, that would be fun. I've never been out of this country. I would love to go to Greece and see all the ruins, and go to Rome and Italy. And Spain. Hell, I'd just like to go to Canada!

I wonder if all you ladies are sleeping in. I got up around 7:00. As soon as my cat sees me stirring, she jumps up on the bed and starts "meowing" until I get up. Every morning I give her about a tsp full of tuna. And she wants that tuna!

I think I'll make a gratitude list this morning. That always helps me. There's so much I have to truly be grateful for and satisfied. Sometimes I forget and just get used to my meager existence and bitch without asking myself "what can I do to change it?" If there's nothing that I can do, I have to let it go. But if there is something, I don't want to miss an opportunity to improve my little corner of the world. I wish all you ladies a great Christmas!

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I didn't get out the bed til after 2pm but didn't go to sleep til about 3 am. Rico came over after some Christmas party. We curled up and went to sleep. When we got up it was after 2 so he had to make a mad dash home since he's suppose to spend time with his son. I canceled on my sister's invitation. When I woke up my hearing aid was acting funky or my ear, not sure which. Everything sounded muffled, I changed batteries which I seem to be doing daily when they should last at least 2 weeks.

I called my oldest sister and explained the situation to her. I asked her to call our sister and tell her that I couldn't make it. She also was backing out since she had spoken with my sister earlier and found out that my sister's bf is drunk already. But when she tried to call, no one answered so she called me back and asked me to call. When I called, my niece answered the phone and I cancelled. I then called my oldest sister and told her I got through. It sent her into a rampage because she felt her call had been ignored. I agreed it did appear that way then I had to cheer her up because she started feeling depressed. I couldn't help about her being pissed off....

I must admit that my Christmas turned out better than I had expected. I am just going to lay back and enjoy the rest of my day.

Hello Ladies. I have had a really great day. Betty, I have to do that sometimes. I get in a funk and have to remember when things were so much worse to appreciate what I have. A gratitude list helps. Hope you ended up having a great day. We got up at 7 and gave Robert his presents. Nothing real big but lots of little stuff. I got a new pair of jeans that actually fit right. We went and picked my oldest son up and he came and ate lunch with us then I took him back. The day just went really well. Plus I am catching up on my rest and actually are well today and yesterday. Hope everyone had a great Christmas. Later, Cristy

I really don't know why I'm up so early. I just couldn't sleep anymore. Went to my sister's yesterday and had a nice time. I got the new Bruce Springsteen CD, some shower gel, a candle, a watch, a couple pictures, a nice new coffee mug, $10 (which always helps) and a lot of "goodies" (junk food). One of the pictures is one that my brother and his girlfriend did. It's my favorite picture of my mum, and below it is two poems my brother wrote. It's just beautiful and I had a really hard time to not cry when I was looking at it. That gift I will cherish forever. I miss her so much!

Everyone had a nice time. No feathers flew. It was the first time in five years that my niece and great-niece spent Christmas with our family.(There was a big riff going on with my niece and my sister and brother-in-law). You know, family problems. My grandkids had a great time. They got tons of presents. You know, one thing I noticed that I thought a little strange. One of my brother's-in-law sisters got my granddaughter a Bratz makeup doll. Well, do you ladies remember the old Barbie make-up doll? That was like from Barbie's shoulders up? Well, the Bratz one is from the doll's belly up, shows her belly button, she's got really big boobs and a skimpy top on. It's awful. My granddaughter is only seven years old! Now I know, because of all the hormones in foods etc. that girls are having their periods earlier, developing earlier, but come on! This is rushing things a bit, I think. And yet everyone wrings their hands not understanding why there is so much teen pregnancy, why kids are having sex etc. No,I'm not blaming all the ill fates of the world on the Bratz makeup doll, but it does start somewhere, doesn't it? Anyway, I'm starting to get on a rant again.

Queen, I really do hope you can get your hearing aid thing taken care of pretty soon. I can't even imagine how frustrating that must be for you.

Cristy, it sounds like you had a good Christmas! It's always special when you get clothes that fit, isn't it. Usually if I want something that fits, I have to get it, so I can try it on etc. Glad you saw your older son also. How is he doing?

I hope everyone else had a good Christmas! I hope Drag's having a good time in, is she in Spain now? I wonder what Cin got from Iceman! Ladies, do you realize there's only a little less than a week left in this year?! Wow, this year really flew by. I mean really flew by. There has been so much going on. What is everyone's plans for New Year's Eve? I'm going to an NA dance; at least that's the plan right now.

I hope all you ladies have a good day- More later-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow