Monday, April 25, 2016

We plod around through life, thinking "Well maybe things aren't perfect, but they aren't so bad"...

And then.

It's as if, you're hit by a freight train.

That's the best way to describe it.

When you lose someone you love, every part of your being hurts.

You hurt physically and you hurt emotionally.

You hurt deeply.

You hurt in a way that you have never felt.

You feel very alive, because of the excruciating pain that is ripping through your soul.

When you lose someone to death.

Someone that was part of your heart.

You begin to understand just how trivial most things in life are, you know that the very things that upset you, meant nothing.

You learn that it's just not worth it to sweat the small stuff.

And just about everything is small stuff.

What matters...

Family.

Friends.

The feelings of others.

Well.. There are many things that matter, but what matters to me... Are the people I love in my life. I want to hold on to them tighter than I ever have, and I want to never take them for granted.

As crazy as it sounds, losing my mother made me feel as if I have lost my way.

My whole life seemed to be centered around her, not in a bad way, but in an "I really love my mom and care about what happens to her way". I always worried about hurting her feelings when I talked about moving to England. And I would get so upset at her when she would say "You can't leave until I'm not around anymore"... I'd get so angry when my mom told me that she wouldn't be around for very much longer. Of course, she thought it would be her heart, mom had a sick heart, but it turns out... it was quite strong through it all.

Though I never lived life thinking I had to please my mother, I always did have her in the back of my mind and on my heart. Sometimes we would annoy the heck out of each other... She always had to be right... She was always so feisty! My mother was the strength of our family and was what held us all together. It was her that we all wanted to be with during the holidays and for our birthdays. It was mom that was the strongest.

It was just so unexpected. It started with a kidney infection. Then she fell and hurt her back. Then she was put in the hospital for pain in her back and complications in her kidneys... then pneumonia... when the pneumonia didn't leave her body, the doctors dug deeper and a cat scan discovered that she had cancer... she was covered in it. Her lungs, her abdomen, her skin... She died 2 days after we found out. She never knew. Which was a blessing, as it was her biggest fear in life. Cancer.

I held her hand as she left this world.

So where does this leave me?

For awhile, I felt bad if I even smiled.

For months I didn't have too many happy moments, but they are breaking through more and more.

Hannah and Andy have been my focus... I dreaded Christmas, in fact I was absolutely pissed off most of the holiday season. I did my very best to keep it together, I made it as special as I could muster up for my children. This year there were no cards, or baking... Or much else... But I know that next year will be different. I still won't like having Christmas without my mom, but I will have learned a little better how to live life with her living in heaven.

It has now been 7 months since I lost my mom. At first, I buried myself in work. Then, I would latch on and look to others to filll my void. You see, being the ex-wife to a military man, meant I moved a lot. And when we moved, I would find comfort in making friends all over the world. But once I was back in Texas, well... I spent all of my extra time with my mom. She was my best friend, she was the person that I called about serious things and silly things... Like what brand butter to buy. After all, mom always seemed to have all of the answers. She was my best friend. When I lost her. I was left with my feet kicked from under me. I have painfully learned that I can't look to anyone else to fill the void that's inside of me. It's no one's responsibility and there is no one that can.

Instead of focusing on the void in my life. I will now only focus on the good. There is always good. I haven't traveled since I lost my mom, I haven't done anything. I have felt sorry for myself mostly. But you know ... As I learn to live life without my mother, I will also learn, that it's okay to enjoy life again. I will slowly return to the things that I hold passion for. Like traveling, helping those in need, blogging, reading and continuing to study about the latest environmental issues... The things that make me, me. The things that make me tick.

For the last 7 months, In my own self pity, I have not focused on my 2 children as much as I would normally. I've taken care of their needs physically, of course. But they are used to me taking them on "mom/daughter dates" and "mom/son dates". Or just the 3 of us would go out and explore Austin. (Or London... Or Ireland... Or Florida... You get the picture). It's time for me to stop spending my extra time laying in bed. It's time that I stop feeling sorry for myself. I can still mourn. But no more self-pity.

I may not be ready to take on the World again, but I'm making plans to. :)

Before I close, I want to add, that before my mom died, and while she was still coherent. I was able to thank her for being an amazing mother. I was also able to thank her for the greatest lesson that she ever taught me, I'd like to share with you what that was.

I told my mom "Thank you for teaching me unconditional love, thank you for always making me feel loved no matter what I did, or didn't do. Because of you, I am able to show that same unconditional love to my own children and people in my life".

I love you mom, thank you for teaching me to be a strong woman.
I'm going to be okay.