Somehow my life of drinking, smoking, drugs, gunplay, gambling, spousal abuse, and general irresponsibility has led me to ruin. I’m broke, I’m alone, and I’ve been marked as a wife beater, which is probably the worst thing of all nowadays.

Despite all of the problems she caused me, I still miss Amber. Have you seen how hot she is? Do you know what’s it like to have a woman that hot and then not have her? It’s worse than never having her in the first place.

I’m not lying about her punching me in the face, but what I failed to mention is that I get off on it. It reminds me of growing up with my mom. My mom used to beat me with belts and shoes, she even threw a toaster at me once.

I know this is no excuse for anything, but I want to make it clear that I barely abused Amber at all. And seriously, seven million dollars for a busted lip? How the hell is that fair? Does that seem right to you? If I had known then what I know now, I would’ve gone down to Mexico. Life is cheap down there. For seven million, I could have murdered every prostitute in Mexico.

Anyway, down to brass tacks. Let’s say I rig a shotgun to blow my brains out, maybe I have a candle that will burn through a string that will drop a weight that pulls the trigger. If I repent before the weight pulls the trigger, is that still suicide? Technically, it doesn’t seem like it. And if I repent at the last second, I go to heaven no matter what anyway, right? So I might as well go to Mexico and pay prostitutes to punch me in the face.

Sincerely,
Johnny Depp

PS: I just realized that I have no memorable catchphrase. How is that fair? Stallone, Cruise, Bruce Willis, even Schwarzenegger has at least one.

Dear Johnny Depp,

Unfortunately, you need to repent a full 5 minutes before death in order for it to count. The good news is there’s a loophole. If a Rube Goldberg machine contains at least 5 chain reactions between the catalyst and the trigger pull, it’s not considered suicide. I believe you can find blueprints online. Cobain was actually working on something pretty neat, but he got impatient.

—Jesus Christ

Dear Johnny Depp,

I’m embarrassed for you that you’re still pining over your ex. Even though you look like beef jerky with a goatee, you’re still Johnny fuckin’ Depp. You should know by now that girls who look like Amber are a dime a dozen. Sure maybe you can’t get famous ones anymore, but there are still tons of hot nannies and make-up artists and personal assistants that’ll fuck you. The next time you’re visiting a sick kid in the hospital dressed as Jack Sparrow, why not pull a sexy, star-struck nurse into a supply closet for a quickie?

As for paying Mexican prostitutes to punch you in the face, that’s just a luxury you can’t afford right now. Lucky for you, there are plenty of people willing to punch you in the face for free. If the exchange of money is part of the kink, I’m sure you can work out an arrangement where you hand them cash, then after they punch you and you’ve ejaculated in your pants, they can give you your money back. Maybe you can even get people to actually pay you for it instead of you pretending to pay them.

—The Devil

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan