Totally Hot Chick at Town Beach Not Linked To Global Warming

Falmouth, MA
Summer has brought record temperatures across the country, and on our nation's Atlantic coast, exotic, tropical species, such as the great white shark, have appeared unexpected at northern latitudes. On the local town beaches, evidence of global warming appears certain, but scientists at nearby Woods Hole Marine Biological Laboratory (MBL) assert that the surprise sighting of hot chicks has little or nothing to do with climate change.

Town beaches are normally filled with retirees and mothers with young children. The waters have become warmer in recent years, and the appearance of a Portuguese Man of War within days of spotting a group of total hotties convinced lifeguard Vince Apple that he needed to report his experience to MBL.

I sit with MBL scientist Stuart Livingood as we view digital maps of the normal distribution of honeys. "Hot chicks are often seen nearby, on Martha's Vineyard, Nantucket, and the Kennedy compound in Hyannis," explains Livingood. "Although it is unusual to see them at town beaches, one can posit that they have strayed from their natural habitat." The scientist I spoke with had no suggestion for increased straying rates. "Perhaps they got lost?"

"I don't buy that for a second," says Apple. The local lifeguard claims that although he himself has not yet seen An Inconvenient Truth, he's overheard several tourists talking about it, and they mention lots of other weird shit related to global warming. "If there's snow on Kilimanjaro, and beautiful women on my beach, something is wrong with the planet," continues Apple. "Normally when I see a bikini around here I look away, and then I notice these women on line for ice cream. I guess there are some positive aspects to climate change."

To verify the lifeguard's claims, I stroll down to a town beach and notice several young beautiful women, frolicking like nubile dolphins, except that they have virtually no body fat and probably shop at Victoria's Secret. Not only do they appear to enjoy their recreation, they seem to have completely acclimated to beaches with broken glass, port-a-johns, and high levels of fried food and ice cream that threaten to degrade this already fragile population. This reporter will soon find out if the media and scientists have covered up this possibly explosive aspect of global warming, but before that I will watch the sun set and take photos of the beach volleyball tournament.

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