Helping a Coworker Who’s Stressed Out

Rodion Kutsaev

Stress in the workplace is a significant issue for at least a quarter of the working population in the United States. Alarmingly, that percentage doubles to almost 50% for those in office jobs. Statistically, that means that one of the coworkers sitting beside you is likely experiencing a substantial amount of stress. At some point, it’s sure to affect you, either directly or indirectly. So, what should you do?

Ignoring your coworker’s stress is an option, but it’s probably not a good one. If you’re up for it, there are several ways you can take a more active role in helping your coworker manage stress.

A note of caution first: although stress isn’t contagious in the traditional sense, it can spread. That’s because your brain is wired to pick up on the emotional states of those around you. For example, sitting across from an anxious person will tend to make you uncomfortable—that’s how your brain works. Before getting too close, remind yourself that the stress isn’t yours. Acknowledging this will help protect you from mirroring the other person’s stress.

With that said, there are three ways you can help a stressed out coworker:

1. Reduce isolation by listening and being empathetic. In other words, try some good old-fashioned kindness. When talking with a person under duress, adopt a calm and reassuring demeanor and focus on listening and validating that person’s experience. First, just let her know that you’re noticing the state she’s in. “I’m hearing a lot of big sighs from over there. What’s up? Can I help?” For some people, just being made aware of their emotional state will be enough to help them get re-centered. If they admit that they are overwhelmed, worried, or stuck, start by just repeating what you’ve heard. “I get where you’re coming from. You have a lot on your plate right now.” The object is not to agree or to justify the stress, it’s simply to make the other person feel heard and understood. Without that step, any attempts to help reduce the stress might feel judgmental or condescending.

2. Find the root cause of the problem. Once you understand the source of the stress, act as a sounding board or a coach to help your coworker get at the reasons behind it. Obviously, the exact nature of help needed depends on what’s causing the stress, but I will address three common stressors: too much to do; uncertainty about how to succeed; and interpersonal conflict. Once you’ve uncovered the cause, you can suggest practical ways to work through it.

3. Suggest tactics for minimizing the impact of the stressor.

Too much to do. If your coworker is overwhelmed by workload, help him talk through priorities and get clarity on one or two tasks. Start with “OK, you certainly have a lot going on. What are some of the most pressing things you have to do?” Then help select which one to do first by asking a couple of good questions: “When are they due?” “Which ones could someone help with?” “What’s the most logical one to tackle first?” After your coworker has chosen the first task, help get traction by talking it out. “How are you going to approach this?” Grab a note pad and jot down the steps so that they feel tangible. That alone will likely be enough to get your coworker unstuck and back on track.

Uncertainty about how to succeed. For the person who lacks confidence, talk him through the task and what it will take to complete it successfully. Reinforce the good ideas and help him think through other strategies for the parts that are more difficult. “Who might know more about this?” “What other project have we done that were similar?” Again, the goal is to get your coworker to a list of concrete steps.

Interpersonal conflict. If the source of the stress is interpersonal, your distance from the situation might actually be very useful for your coworker. You can ask about how your coworker is experiencing the difficult relationship and then disentangle the impact the third party is having from their intent. If the source of the stress is a particularly unflattering interpretation of the third party’s actions, help your coworker to reframe the situation by asking questions such as “What if her curtness with you in the meeting was simply a reflection that she was late?” You can even offer to role play a conversation. “I’ll pretend to be Carla. How could you share your concerns with me?”

Regardless of the nature or source of the stress, your strategy is threefold: help your coworker talk through the situation to reframe it more constructively; break it into manageable chunks; and then help visualize a plan of action.

In some cases, it won’t be possible to eliminate the source of the stress. In those cases, try to reduce the toll the stress is taking. Small gestures go a long way. For example, keep your coworker fueled. If you notice him skipping lunch, grab him a snack: preferably a piece of fruit or something with protein, but if it’s dire—go with jelly beans. Another great approach is to offer to talk through your coworker’s to-do list while on a quick walk to get a coffee (physical movement, especially if it is in the fresh air, can often unlock a person who is stuck). You can also provide a moment of levity with a cartoon or by sharing a video (you choose whether it’s a 6-minute inspiring TED talk or a 15-second cat video.) None of these strategies changes the magnitude of the stress, but they do increase your coworker’s resilience and thus make the stress seem more manageable.

My favorite cartoon depicts a team of three construction workers carrying a beam across a steel girder. There’s a gap in the girder too wide for a person to step across. In the first frame, the first worker hangs on tightly to the beam on his shoulder while his feet dangle over the gap. Only by relying on his teammates does he make it across. In the second frame, it’s the second worker with feet dangling; and then the third. To me, it beautifully summarizes teamwork. Some days, you’re on terra firma while your teammate dangles precariously. Other days, it’s the other way around. Be the grounding force your coworker needs on those days. When it’s your turn, your coworker will surely be there for you.