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Faithful Followers

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Those of you who have friended me on Facebook know that my divorce was final on the 10th. A year and a half after I'd originally filed. People weren't sure whether to offer congratulations or condolences. I assure you, in this case, congratulations are in order. A minute after I changed my Facebook status to single, Austin clicked the like button and wrote, "Yay!"

Joe hasn't bothered to see or talk to the kids all summer, but after I got home from court, he called Lexi and Jackson out of nowhere. According to Lexi, he told her that he and I were officially divorced and that he probably won't ever see her again. Nice, huh? He hasn't spent time with them (outside of school) since Christmas eve and he calls, not to ask them how they are, but to discuss the details of the divorce that the little ones don't need to know. After he talked to Jackson, Jackson told me, "I think you should start dating, Mom."

I'm not about to go down that road right now, but it makes me feel good that the kids are okay with the idea. They're okay with moving on. Maybe someday I'll be okay with it too, but after being lied to continuously for twenty years, I cannot imagine having the ability to trust anyone. I always think that people are lying to me. I constantly fact-check. I may be nodding in agreement, but in the back of my mind, I'm trying to add up the facts to see if their statement holds water. I do it with everyone - strangers, family, friends, everyone. It's not even a conscious thing. I don't know how to explain it. It's just an automatic, unconscious response.

My good friends know me and know why I question things. They get it and don't take it personally. Other people get hurt. The thought of meeting someone new and starting a relationship, believing this new person is lying, questioning their motives and everything they say or do is not a good way to begin a relationship. And until I figure out how to dump some of my baggage and trust people again, I can't even think about dating. And, believe me, I have a lot of baggage. It's not just the lying. It's so many things that have slowly chipped away at my self esteem over the years, leaving me believing that I'm not worth anyone's love or respect.

So, in the end, I'm divorced. My kids are adjusting and doing as well as can be expected considering their dad has abandoned them. You may certainly offer me your congratulations as opposed to condolences as I'm beyond the sadness of divorce. I have a joy that comes from above and a new found happiness that comes from learning to love myself. Now to work on my issues so that I may be able to have a healthy relationship some day and be a good example to my kids.

95 comments:

I'm thankful for you, Dawn. You add an element of joy to my life by showing me that motherhood doesn't have to be stressful. I am also thankful that you have God's joy from above and that you are content in your circumstances.Kymberlie

Congratulations & do a happy dance! Joe will miss out on a lot, and it will be his loss. Kids are remarkably resilient, and speaking as a child of divorce, he will dig his own grave with them. The very fact that he prefers to try to give them details about the divorce (and presumably make you out to be the bad guy in the situation) speaks volumes about his insecurities and immaturity. You love them, they know it, and they know that the atmosphere at home is better now than it was in the past. Find yourself again, and show your children what strength, love, and knowing who can be counted on really are. It will work out for the best in the end.

Hi Dawn. I've been reading your blog for a while now and I have to say that I fully appreciate the honesty that you have when you write. You let us all know how you really feel and that really can touch your readers. It makes us feel like we are close to you and your kids and at the risk of feeling stalkerish and creepy, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

I've never been through what you are going through but I have to say that you and your kids are very strong and I don't know how they are so strong with everything they've been with. I just wanted to say a simple thanks to you and a big hugs.

Good for YOU!!!! how liberating this must feel!! find happiness wherever you have to, and in time, everything will fall right back into place. I want to offer my most heart felt congrats!!!! NO one deserves to lose their self esteem. NO ONE!!!!

Dawn, our daughter went through a marriage wherein she was constantly lied to, cheated on, and made to feel totally inferior. She has been divorced now for three years -- separated for four years. She is just now, finally, regaining her self-respect and ability to view herself for the wonderful person that she is. The interesting thing is, I'm not the only person who can see this change in her. People who knew her when she was married, but hadn't seen her for some time since the separation/divorce, say the same thing! They can't believe how very different her countenance is; how happy she is; how outgoing she is. In other words, she is now the person she was BEFORE she married such a scumbag!

YOU will get there,too! It does take time, and I think you are very smart to not want to jump into a relationship at this point. Before you ever do that, you have to learn who you are, and how to love yourself again. And, you will make it!! You are an intelligent, funny, capable, beautiful woman.

Joe is a creep and a liar. He lied to you and hurt you but what he is doing to his own children is the absolute worst. I'm glad you are through with him. He never deserved you! Carry on soldier! You can breathe easy now.

You are an incredible example to your children right now. I've been reading your blog for some time now and am amazed by your talent, strength, and by the great love you have for your children. Congratulations on the divorce. I know from experience how wonderful that can feel. Blessings to you and your family!

I'm so happy for you, for your kids and for your self esteem that at last a chapeter has closed for you. I was one who tweeted about being unsure wether to congratulate or commiserate. I think there is always something sad about the end of an era in someones life. But the sadness is quickly overshadowed by the excitement of moving forwards, new directions and challenges. I wish you all the best with your future, Dawn. You are truly one remarkable woman!

Congratulations Dawn!! I hope your road to finding the woman you were and want to be again is swift and I admire the way you have guided your children tnrough such a emotion time. ANd when you are ready to date again I hope this time you find a man who is worthy of the amazing strong beautiful(inside and out) woman that you are!!

Well in that case, I am so happy for you. The things you say that Joe has said or the lack of things that he does to the kids; I cannot fathom a father saying that. I am sorry for everything he put you through for the past 20 years. I wish you nothing but complete happiness. You're doing a wonderful job and it's to be admired. :)

Hi, Dawn. I'm almost 11 months post-divorce, 3 1/2 post separation. I did find going to divorce recovery groups helped. There are several that have programs nationwide - DivorceCare (www.divorcecare.org), Rebuilding (www.rebuilding.org) and Beginning Experience (www.beginningexperience.org). All were helpful to me in getting past some of the hurt, anger, and other issues, and I'm in a better place. I haven't started dating yet, but I'm going to a church-based single adults group and really enjoying myself. It's a beginning.

First off: (hugsssssssssssssss)! :)Secondly: Congratulations are in order for you. Seriously, you've been through a lot. You all have and it's about time that things settled down and now, you get to open the next chapter of your life, and write it how you want it to be. Yes, there may be issues you have to deal with. A lot of us have been there, done that and such. Please know though, that we're here, every step that you take to help make you a better you just so you can start that next chapter of your life with a bang. I won't offer advice. It's not the thing to do at least imho. I will, however, stand by and be a friend and give you hugs where needed and encourage you to keep moving and pray that you all are just fine. You're very loved Dawn, whether you believe it or not. It's fine if you don't trust that right now. Doesn't make that feeling of friendship change in any way... just makes it stronger. So, go on and be you and keep doing what you're doing and work on yourself, too. Most of all, just be you, hon. You seem to be doing just fine as you can see from your kids' point of view. Everything else will fall into place as it should be and you'll see that, too.

First off CONGRATULATIONS! Boy do I have alot to say on the lying and trusting again.1st husband lied, cheated and abused me.4yrs and 2 sons I divorced him only to jump into a 2nd lying,cheating,abusive A-hole for 2yrs,no kids.I too thought I could never trust or love again and I was only 24.But I knew that not all men could be bad and most people liked me and even thought I was funny,a great way to get thru life as you know ;~) I started dating but let the guys know I was "just" dating.Don't know if that was cool but oh well,lol. I met my present hubby and he was understanding,funny, loving the ONE.Been married 29yrs in Sept with 3 more kids.Hang in there,you are loved by many here in blogland.Sorry for the book,I should leave that to you. :~D

It's bitter sweet. The point is, you're gonna be great (not just fine). We can see the happy blazing through in those photos from the beach and NY.CONGRATULATIONS!!!*Big Hugs*Be goodBelinda in Brisbane Australia

For what it's worth I've had friends who've been totally devastated...hit with divorce out of the blue...never suspected anything, etc. Some have found out their husbands did horrible things. And yet they have found love again. It's taken a long time and it wasn't easy and they couldn't have imagined it ever happening, either. Only the Lord knows what's in store for you!So is that who's visiting my blog right now really right? Iceland?! Are you kiddin' me? Europe? Those red things are hypnotic? I'm up too late...I think the dots are getting to my brain! So now mine will stop blinking! Always praying!

Congratulations;) I have the same issue of trust after my ex, it sucks. I can't see myself ever getting involved with anyone ever again. Although someone to mow my grass, fix the broken door and work out why the light bulb in the living room doesn't work would be nice.Welcome to this new chapter in your life:)

Well then, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I'm so proud of you, you are so amazing, so strong!I thing it's just a form of self protection, that you fact-check and add up other peoples stories, and why shouldn't you? You've been through hell and back, of course you protect yourself and the kids. It's sad to hear that Joe decided to divorce your amazing kids as well, that's his unmeasurable lost. And I'm 1000% sure that your kids know that it's not their fault, I'm pretty sure that you spend their every waking moment making sure of that. You have also taught them a valuable lesson - that love is not supposed to be like that.And as far as dating goes, I'm sure when the time and guy is right, you'll know it.Now, is there anything I can send you or the kids? Chocolate maybe? Let me know, ok!!!You are amazing Dawn, don't you ever forget that!

Skipping to the last sentence of your blog entry today, my comment: You already ARE a good example to your kids. And, because I try only to speak the truth, you're a good example to everybody else I can think of as well.

I bet you're standing a little taller now - I know I stood up a little straighter after I got my first husband off my back via a well-earned divorce.

Well Congrats on the divorce ,it is sad that he does not contact the children but it is his loss not theirs because you have 6 wonderful children & you are doing right by them.I have noticed that you look happy now .In your pics & even with your writing . It is hard as well to start over when all you know for so long is lying & abusive behavior . & when the time is right & you are ready it will happen & you will be happy . best of luck to you & your family .

Good for you, Dawn. I'm so sorry all this had to happen to y'all, but you are doing great. How awful that Joe only calls to talk about the divorce with his children--I have no words to describe how that makes me feel, I can't imagine what it does to you! You are a strong, beautiful, smart woman, a great Mom and worthy of love. With God's help, good friends' support and the love of your children, I know one day you'll believe that. I'm glad the kids are showing you it's OK to move on. It's the healthy thing to do.

Congratulations AND condolences, Dawn. We marry planning on having a true marriage relationship that lasts a lifetime and when it doesn't happen, that's sad at best--mostly before the divorce. That the father of your children has abandoned them is the pits, for sure--and says something about his character that I hope he can learn from and grow. That you're no longer tied to him is certainly a good thing. I pray that you are able to grow and heal and become aware of what a wonderful blessing and loveable person you are.

I am happy for you, Dawn. You are an amazing, beautiful woman and a fabulous mom--and hey, you can laugh at yourself and share the funny stuff with others. I think it sounds like the sun is coming out and shining on you--I know there's much to work through but I just have to say, I am inspired by your strength. Your kids already have a great example set before them, and you're only going to get better! Love from my family to yours~

I've heard that broken trust is like a broken mirror. It can be repaired, but you always see the cracks. As the child of an alcoholic, I understand that. Though my father has been sober for 20 years now, the scars of growing up in that environment remain. But I don't want to sound all bleak. I credit my husband with helping me overlook the cracks in my own mirror. They are still there, but aren't quite as noticeable anymore. (((Dawn)))

Congratulations! I have been divorced now for 6 years and it is the best thing I ever did! I spent 17 years with an abuser, and only stayed with him for the kids. I always told myself I would leave once the kids graduated. Well, my son was 13 and my daughter was 15 and I couldn't take it anymore. All I needed was my son to say "Mom..it's ok, you can divorce him now". That was a huge sigh of relief. Will it be hard for you? Yes, the hardest thing ever - BUT it's the best thing you could've ever done for yourself AND your kids!!! I am now married to a wonderful man and have 2 step children and my kids have adjusted beautifully!!!

Congrats on being such a strong and awsome mom for your kids. They deserve the best and you are the best for them. They are so lucky to have such a great mom. Austin's comment just solidifies that. The kids could see that this needed to happen and they are much better people because you took a stand and said "I'm letting this situation go on hurting myself or my kids!" You are such a strong woman! SO HIP HIP HOORAY!!

First of all, congratulations on the divorce. I would send you a divorce cake if I could.You will find your self esteem again, Dawn. Don't ever doubt that. It will take time but now is when you need to surround yourself with the positive & have people who will fill your bucket - so to speak.You have done an AMAZING job with your kids with or without Joe.And people will tell you how strong you are & I know you will balk because you are just doing what you have to....but you are strong. You truly are!

Dawn, I know exactly how you feel about living with a compulsive liar. I'm still with mine, and even though he seems to have changed in the last 6-7 years (together for 20), I am still constantly questioning in my head whether or not what he says is true. I do it with other people as well. I do honestly believe it's some form of PTSD, and I'm not sure how to get over it. I don't know if I ever will. I hope now that your divorce is final, you will move on and someday be able to trust again. Some counseling probably wouldn't hurt. I know it would probably help me, but I don't have the means right now.

Truthfully, I'm actually kind of jealous of you right now, because you are free and open to a new world of possibilities. Free from the weight that was dragging you down. Free to start over and move on. God bless you and your kids.

It all takes time Dawn.I applaud you for getting out when you did !Have you ever watched the movie 'Why did I get Married' ?I watched it last night and thought of you. There was one lady that made the right decision and she ended up very happy.I know this will happen to you too.

So, enjoy your new life and let go of the past. Your kids have adjusted so well and glad they all support you too !Some one will come into your life and show you true happiness that you deserve.

I have the opposite attitude, I always believe everything someone tells me until I know they have told me a lie. I think this comes from my mother questioning everything people said, to her they were always meaning something from what they actually said.

Not saying either way is OK or not OK, but that was just the way it was.

I say a big congratulations.. not just for the divorce but for you pulling yourself out of so much mental bs and realizing the affects this marriage had on you as a person. Trust me, I know it's tough but you will get there and you have a great support system under that tiny little roof. I am happy for you, more because I know you will realize your self worth and like you said eventually come to a day you won't question everyone's motives based off of one really bad seed. :) hang in there.

I'll say congrats, Dawn, but I also know how many tears, fears and sleepless nights go behind that, too. And you will learn to trust again. My mom was an alcoholic and I find myself "weighing" every word, but I've also learned to do that and then let go.

Well, CONGRATS Dawn! I totally understand the trust issue. I have been in therapy for a couple of years now and finally figured out that I sub consonsiously sabotage my relationships because I don't think I deserve to be happy. I too, am working on that. Good Luck and keep posting..it makes my getting trhough the day a little easier knowing I can read about someone else going through similar things:)

Its sad that Joe felt the need to be hurtful with the younger ones. They probably had already figured it out though. Mine haven't seen/heard from their dad in over 11 years now. They sort of knew that it was how he was. Kids are pretty darn quick when it comes to stuff like that.

Congratulations! You truly inspire me for your strength, determination, and your ability to go it alone with such grace and dignity. It's a tough choice that you made but from all that you have shared it's the right one. I myself am not in the greatest marriage and can relate so much about the "lies". Too many to count. I'm in the opposite position though because he's a good dad and has made it very clear he would want 50% everything with the kids. His words; "being a dad defines me". Great for my kids but half the time with them; not great for me. So I stay. Not sure if the right choice but I ache to think about not seeing them everyday. I'm so glad you get to work on being happy and making your kid's lives better. You are doing such an amazing job. Kids can't fake happiness and I see their joy in all the pictures you post!

Just have to offer you CONGRATULATIONS! I am the child of divorce, it happened when I was 11 and I have to say I was so happy about it. I saw my dad a little bit after that but when he got mad at me for not telling him where I was going, he quit talking to me completely (he is STILL mad at me for that to this day...almost 30 years later!). I don't know why some men who have kids have no backbone when it comes to seeing them, ultimatley it is THEIR loss. To this day I have not talked to him and I see no reason to. I have 4 wonderful daughters (oldest is 23 and younges is 4) and he has never met them. I don't want them to meet him, he has taken my brothers on a rollercoaster ride from He%& and my daughters don't need it. Your kids will be fine in the long run, they have you as a mom! Take your time, take care of your kids and yourself and you will have a great life! ((HUGS!!))

Congratulations! I hesitated saying it before, but in this case, it seems to be appropriate! I think it is very sad when men choose to abandon the children after a divorce. I have seen father's who truly step up and then dad's who give up...the ones who give up lose out!!! Well, I think you are an amazing woman and you are are the right track to healing emotionally. Please know that you are a wonderful example to those precious kids already...they know who IS there for them....Keep your chin up! Kris

Congratulations to you!! The rest will come with time. When you are ready to date, you'll know. Sounds like the kids are handling things very well (thanks to you & being the awesome parent you are). It's sad that their dad doesn't want to be in their life, but again maybe that's a good thing.

You have made a life altering decision that shows your children that the relationship that you and their father (or SD - sperm donor if you prefer that designation as I often do) had was not a healthy one and not one that you want for ANY of your kids, much less yourself. You have showed them that you do value yourself and their wellbeing by removing yourself from that relationship.

Congratulations on moving to the next part of your life and theirs...where everyone can learn how to build each other up instead of tearing each other down.

Dawn, I am very sorry on the death of your marriage. It would appear that you have made the very best decision for you and your kids. Congratulations that the divorce is final and now you can move forward. I hope you learn to trust and love again. The best revenge is living well. You and your kids deserve the best! Peace

Time, it'll take you some time but girl you've came such a long ways from where you were and as a reader of your blog I have no clue how deep he tried to drag you but I know that he didn't drag you down completely, you finally came up for air and got out of the deep water. Just feel the life inside of you and know that's God and he'll lead you through this also. Most of the easy things in life we forget real fast but these hard things make us who we will be tomorrow. Tears only makes us women stronger and I know that you've cried yourself a river or two. Thank You for who you are today and who you will be tomorrow. If I could take away your doubts about yourself I sure would. I didn't intend to write you a book. God Bless you and yours, now and forever.

From what I've been reading, you are an amazing person and wonderful mother. You already set a good example for your kids! They are lucky to have you in their life. I'm sorry that their dad isn't realzing how amazing he had it. But, you all will be just fine, I know it! And, I believe in time, you will find love again, because you do deserve it! So, Congrats! Here's to a whole new chapter in your life, that will be better then ever! (=

It's not always good to stay together "for the kids". I know I wouldn't have been better off if my parents had stayed together. I applaud your strength, making tough decisions and creating a better environment for your kids. Besides, if he can call and say that to them, they probably won't be missing out on much anyways. I wish you the best of luck on the new chapter of your life!

Absolutely Congratulations Dawn! I'm sad for you that it happened, but I'm so glad for you that it's finally sorted and now you CAN move on. What a Relief!

Remember not to give up hope of the trusting thing happening again. I'm the same age as you and my circumstances are completely different but I found that I was able to open my heart again and totally throw myself headlong into a new relationship and I finally got married 18 months ago. I've never been happier, and it still astonishes me that someone my age with all the experiences we gather through our lives can be where I am right now.

Who knows what the future holds for any of us but I know for sure that at least I won't regret this recent bit of living I've been doing. I hope it'll come to you too. For now though, I'm just imagining the huge relief you must be feeling to finally have everything clear-cut, neat and sorted, all the nastiness that HAD to be dealt with now finished, and able to breathe freely again, to take stock of where you are, to look around again without guilt or worry and just to have some fun again. Enjoy where you are, you're a star!

I am glad that you are becoming happy and healthy again. You already show a whole different "air" about you. Keep it up.. you'll get there :) Congrats on the start of a new chapter in your life... enjoy it life's to short.

Dawn, I'm so sorry for your kids losing their dad. That sucks for them. I can empathize with you as I, too, had some issues after my divorce. My poor second husband had to put up with so much of my baggage from my first marriage, I can't believe he even agreed to marry me. But he did and that made me the luckiest woman on the face of the earth! You are an amazing mom and such an inspiration to me...I look forward to reading your blog everyday. Good luck in your future...I'm sure you'll figure it all out!

To this I say...Congratulations! And though I don't know you personally, I feel as if I know you based on what you choose to share with us. It makes me sick to think that someone who was supposed to love another would make them feel so bad about themselves. NO ONE should make you feel bad about yourself!! THE END. PERIOD. I'm glad you're healing from the years you've spent feeling that way. I'm amazed at your ability to continue having a sense of humor and the way in which you handle yourself and life with 6 kids.Everyone deserves to love and to be loved, so for you, I hope that happens again one day.

Love and prayers to you and your family Dawn~RobinBTW - Forgot to mention that I understand your need to verify & question everything. My mother is a pathological liar so I too find myself questioning information and searching for the lie in it. When you've been around that type of person for so long it's only natural. I can't tolerate when someone lies to me for that very reason. I'm glad your friends understand. And for those who don't, walk a mile in someone elses shoes......

I know how it feels to feel broken. I could have written most of this post word for word except for the marriage and kids. I am nearing my mid 30s and never been married. Dating isn't a walk in the park either. Which each failed relationship it gets harder and harder to trust. I too question most people's sincerity and what they say to me. It's hard not to let the hurt from previous relationships ruin the next one but it will. I'm at the point now I know I need to take the time for myself and heal. I'm sure when the time is right you'll find the man who appreciates you. Your happiness really shines through your writing now. Keep up the great writing. And congrats on your new life!

You are a great example to your kids, Dawn, and I'm sure that has helped them gain perspective on the whole situation. It's a shame that Joe has chosen to separate himself from his kids, but your kids have seen you try to make things work and then make the decision to go a different direction when that didn't work. What more could anyone ask? My parents did not have a happy marriage and chose not to divorce until I was an adult with a child of my own. I often wonder what could have been if they had either worked together to make the marriage work or called it quits earlier in the game. I don't blame them, but I do wonder. I pray that God will continue to give you strength to take of *yourself* and the kids, and that someday Joe will be able to have a good relationship with the kids again. God bless you!

Your ex is a sick and/or mean man to say that to his daughter. A part of me is sorry for him that he doesn't see what he is losing and how he has hurt his kids, much less you. A bigger part of me is happy that you are moving on and that the kids understand (as much as they can) and support you. All seven of you will come out stronger and happier for this, and what more can we ask for with our kids but health, strength and happiness?

Congratulations on your divorce. I hope you find peace and happiness, get to know yourself again, and build up your confidence enough to learn to trust again. Not all men are like the "ex"!I think I can say that because I was once in a somewhat similar experience, and spent the next 4 years after my divorce swearing off men and dating and concentrating on work and home. It wasn't until a good friend pushed me to take a chance that I dated again, and I am now happily married to a wonderful gentleman and we have the most beautiful daughter.So start undoing all the lies you were led to believe and take a good look at the beautiful woman staring back at you in the mirror. You are already a good example to your kids!

I can not fathom the many fathers that simply leave their children after divorce (yes, there are good ones, but...). I just don't get it. You deserve better and your children deserve better. I'm glad you now officially have the chance to find better.

Congrats! I'm in the process of Divorce myself and when it's final I plan to get a "Happy Divorce" cake and celebrate. I saw a sign today it made me laugh it said "Tis better to have loved and lost then spend eternity with that crazy person"! Hope all is well and I'm glad that the kids are taking the turn of events well.

My divorce was a "Congratulations" moment, too, and I was also in the relationship for 20 years. Like you, I have major issues now with trust and self-esteem, etc., etc. There was a lot of mental and emotional abuse. Healing takes time and work.

My kids live with their dad, mainly for financial reasons, and I'm living with friends of mine who have helped me immensely with healing. I hope you can find great mentors, too.

Kids are resilient, and they understand more than we think they do. Mine are coping with my divorce far better than any of the adults are.