Sunday, February 03, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Super Bowl XLVII was won by the Ravens in more than four hours. The only thing that took longer was for people to figure out how many XLVII is.

The San Francisco 49ers almost came back from a 22 point deficit in Super Bowl XLVII. It would have been the biggest comeback ever that didn’t involve a government bailout.

The Baltimore Ravens won Super Bowl XLVII 34-31. They are credited with having the best defense since Ray Lewis’ legal team got him off the hook for murder.

Katie Couric says that she dated Larry King 26 years ago and that during the date he “lunged” at her. King claims he was merely trying to hold on to her to keep from falling out of his wheelchair.

Katie Couric says that she dated Larry King 26 years ago. Apparently she knew it wasn’t going anywhere when he hadn’t proposed by dessert.

Barney, the dog of President George W. Bush has died at age 12. Bush says Barney will be remembered not only as a constant companion but also as the architect for the War in Iraq.

Three time Tour de France winner Greg LeMonde was involved in a traffic accident in Minnesota. Apparently he is still not ready to drive a car without training wheels.

Burger King will DNA test its beef after horse meat was found at one of its food processors. Until the new slogan will be “Have it your naaaay.”

Burger King will DNA test its beef after horse meat was found at one of its food processors. Taco Bell won’t reveal what DNA testing of its meat has shown, other than to say they are pretty sure what happened to Jimmy Hoffa.

Panasonic is offering a 152” TV for $500,000. The resolution is so good you can actually see all the Botox needle marks on the entire “Real Housewives” cast.

Panasonic is offering a 152” TV for $500,000. The resolution is so good you can even see the tracking tag on the bird Donald Trump is wearing on his head.

Plastic surgeons say they are getting an increasing number of women who want Kate Middleton’s nose. Also a lot of horses asking for Camilla Parker Bowles’ teeth.

Plastic surgeons say they are getting an increasing number of women who want Kate Middleton’s nose. And a lot of bats asking for Prince Charles’ ears.

President Obama is blaming the economy on “bad decisions”. However, people keep making those same bad decisions on every election day.

The Post Office says it is immune from local traffic laws. It really isn’t an issue. When is the last time you have ever seen anyone from the Post Office going too fast?

Dozens of students at Harvard are being disciplined for cheating on a test in a class about Congress. Apparently they were all studying to be lobbyists.

Four people were arrested for defying a San Francisco ban on nudity. It isn’t so much of a ban as that it’s never warm enough in San Francisco to ever want to take your clothes off.

Punxsutawney Phil didn’t see his shadow on Groundhog Day. Which means autumn will come early once again for Cubs fans.

Punxsutawney Phil didn’t see his shadow on Groundhog Day. Which means six more weeks of winter vacation for Congress.

Three Pennsylvania classmates scored a perfect 2400 on the SAT. Apparently they tried extra hard because they knew a perfect score would give them a choice of colleges other than Penn State.

A Texas lawmaker has proposed a minimum age of 18 to use a tanning salon. Which doesn’t make any sense since anyone breaking the law will go home to have their parents tan their hide.

A Texas lawmaker has proposed a minimum age of 18 to use a tanning salon. Anyone under that age will have to just stand out in the sun and get their farmer’s tan the old fashioned way.

Etch-A-Sketch inventor Andre Cassagnes has died in France at age 86. He will also be remembered as a political strategist for Mitt Romney.

Etch-A-Sketch inventor Andre Cassagnes has died in France at age 86. His eulogy is set to be given by Mr. Potato Head.

Rising beef prices are threatening the $1 McDouble burger. Which is like saying that high gasoline prices will affect the cost of electric cars.

Segway inventor Dean Kamen will team with Coca-Cola to make a water purification device that would bring clean water to undeveloped countries. Or those people could just stop importing Coke.

Segway inventor Dean Kamen will team with Coca-Cola to make a water purification device that would bring clean water to undeveloped countries. It could revolutionize the world just as the Segway revolutionized travel for total geeks.

Energy Secretary Steven Chu has resigned. The move caught Washington insiders by surprise. We have an Energy Department?

250,000 Twitter accounts were reportedly hacked. Twitter became aware of what was going on when they started receiving reports of some intelligent, meaningful tweets.

Bank of America’s consumer website went down over the weekend due to “technical issues”. It may have affected as many as three customers who still actually have money in their bank accounts.

A study says that poor sleep is linked to memory loss in seniors. Especially when the reason they can’t sleep is because they forgot where they put their bed.

A study says that poor sleep is linked to memory loss in seniors. Of course, breathing, eating and drinking are also linked to memory loss in seniors.

A study says that the uninsured are less likely to get access to heart medications. Mostly because their pharmacists know they will have a heart attack when they get their prescription bill.

Experts say that energy drinks, alcohol and teenagers don’t mix. That could be why there are laws against teenagers using alcohol.

A new video game allows the player to perform heart surgery. Apparently it is to give uninsured people an idea of what it will be like when they have to perform a double bypass on Grandpa themselves.

Khloe Kardashian says that Kim’s ex-husband Kris Humphries is “fame hungry”. If he was really starving for fame he wouldn’t be playing for the Brooklyn Nets.

Khloe Kardashian says that Kim’s ex-husband Kris Humphries is “fame hungry”. How anyone who is fame hungry got involved with her family is a mystery to everyone.

Crystal Harris is going to auction off her wedding dress for charity. Because no one knows charity like someone who just married a millionaire 60 years her senior.

Crystal Harris is going to auction off her wedding dress for charity. She won’t be auctioning off what she wore that was old, new borrowed and blue. Mostly because the “old” and “blue” part are Hugh Hefner.

Crystal Harris is going to auction off her wedding dress for charity. Just like marrying Hef, she went to the highest bidder.

Sylvester Stallone says he supports a ban on assault weapons. He is also apparently against speech therapy and acting lessons.

Sylvester Stallone says he supports a ban on assault weapons. Either that or he supports a “Bamon Soap Witness”.

Kristin Chenoweth describes a flight she took on American Airlines out of Dallas as the “flight from Hell.” She should have gotten the idea when she saw that every flight on American is listed as Flight 666.

Facebook says that 76 Million of its accounts last year were fake. Which means there are 76 Million husbands using Facebook.

The NFL is joining with GE in an effort to use imaging to detect concussions in players. Apparently GE is considered an effort in brain damage being one of the major owners of NBC.

A survey says that one third of American adults will send an e-card on Valentine’s Day. Which means that two thirds of American adults will not be having sex on Valentine’s Day.

A survey says that one third of American adults will send an e-card on Valentine’s Day. The other two thirds are women.

A survey says that one third of American adults will send an e-card on Valentine’s Day. That will be accompanied by plastic flowers and sugar free candy.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Congratulations to the Ravens for winning the Super Bowl. The game lasted more than four hours. Which is almost five hours longer than Ray Lewis ever sat in a jail cell. Go figure. Just don’t ever plead the Fifth when it comes to sending the love!

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