My Pharaoh

For the past seven years I've been enslaved to an eating disorder.

The Haggadah tells us that every individual has an obligation to see himself as if he personally was redeemed from Egypt. I can relate. For the past seven years I've been enslaved in my struggle with an eating disorder. I've had an evil Pharaoh whispering negative, destructive things into my ears. My Pharaoh has told me that I’m not good enough, that I am a failure and has severely damaged my sense of self. My Pharaoh has made me feel as if I was undeserving of the basic necessities and joys of life. My Pharaoh has deprived me of relationships, feelings and has compromised my health.

For the past seven years, I've been a slave to a number on a scale, to a distorted image in the mirror, and to the constant pain in my heart. I've been enslaved to depression, caught in the shackles of self hatred and in the chains of uncertainty. I've spent the past seven years in and out of hospitals, confused and alone.

Seven Passovers have come and gone, and I commemorated each one as a slave. But this year, I won't just be commemorating Passover; I'll be reliving it. I'm preparing to access and unleash the redemption that is intrinsically part of the Jewish month of Nissan. I am ready for God to redeem me from my personal Egypt, to envelope me in His kindness and infinite goodness. I am ready to break free from that which confines me; I am ready to live.

I remember when my parents frantically dragged me from doctor to doctor, desperate for someone to “fix” me, to drag me out from the hell in which I was entrapped. I sat in the office of yet another doctor, expecting the same familiar lecture on the importance of nutrition and health, oblivious to the extreme pain I was in. Instead, he surprised me. He came into his office, sat down and looked me straight in the eye. “Have you had enough yet?” he asked me. And that was it. I felt confused. What did that mean? Of course I had had enough! Did he actually think that this was something I would deliberately choose? Didn't he understand that no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many tears I shed, or how much strength I tried to muster together, it just felt like I was pushing against a massive iron wall that wouldn’t budge?

When I starved myself to the point of numbness I didn’t have to feel the constant pain of never being good enough.

Now I get it. What I didn’t understand then was that while I wasn’t consciously choosing to subject myself to extreme pain and suffering, my disorder was doing something for me. By immersing myself in a world where the only thing I had to think about and obsess over was food, I gave myself the ability to block everything else out. When I starved myself to the point of numbness I didn’t have to feel the constant pain of never being good enough, or the intense disappointment when the important people in my life let me down. When I locked myself into the world of my eating disorder I was able to lock out the feelings of shame that I carried, the feeling of being misunderstood, and the enormous sense of aloneness that I felt.

Although hiding in my eating disorder protected me from the feelings I didn’t want to feel, it also blocked out the good feelings. Locked inside the tiny jail cell I had created, I would periodically peer out and see my friends living their lives. I saw people laughing, connecting with each other, actually living. One day dawned on me that by hiding in the shadows and sitting in the dark, I was depriving myself of the sunlight as well. And while it took me a long time to see, I realized that there was sunlight in my life to be felt.

It was a choice that I had to make, and it’s a choice that I still have to make every morning when I wake up and before every meal that I eat. I realized that sadly, it’s actually possible to be alive and not really living. For seven years I was alive (sometimes barely), but I wasn’t living. I am constantly tested with whether I want to really live, and that choice is so scary, because choosing life often means choosing to feel painful things as well. I constantly have to choose between feeling nothing and feeling everything.

I am coming to accept that maybe I won‘t always know exactly who I am, I might not always love what I see when I look in the mirror, and people may hurt me. I am slowly realizing that I will feel fear sometimes, and I will not be perfect at everything. Not everyone is going to like me, and for some people I may never be “good enough”. For someone like me, these realities are extremely difficult to accept. And on some days it is easier to hide in my jail cell than to accept them.

For me, choosing life meant accepting the realities of my life rather than hiding from them. When I feel the warmth in my soul after I connect with God, the unconditional acceptance and love that I feel from my husband, the good laugh that I have with a friend, and the sunlight on my face, it is worth it.

Ask yourself, “What is my Egypt that is holding me back?”

When I clean for Passover this year, I will be cleaning my soul of the pain that has enslaved me and distanced me from God. When I sit at the Seder this year, I will look at the matzah, the bread of slavery, and I will really feel as I eat it. I will feel the years of pain and suffering I have endured, the chains that have entrapped me. When I drink the four cups of wine, I will close my eyes and feel God’s miracles, the gifts that He gives me, and the beauty of a free life.

Today, I may not see pyramids being built in Brooklyn, but I see much slavery. I see my precious brothers and sisters enslaved to the superficiality and shallowness of our world. I see those who are slaves to their anger, to their pain, and to their pasts. I see so many who are crying out silently, desperately seeking redemption. And sadly, I see those who do not even know that they are slaves. This Passover I challenge all of us to ask ourselves “what is MY Egypt?” What is it that is holding me back from reaching my potential, from being happy, and from connecting with God?

May we all be able to access the spiritual power of Passover and experience redemption from our personal slaveries, and the final one as well.

About the Author

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Visitor Comments: 24

(24)
Anonymous,
May 8, 2012 1:17 AM

beautiful share, thank you

As a recovering compulsive overeater I can relate to the freedom from an eating disorder that you speak of! May we all choose life one moment at a time!!!

(23)
Anonymous,
April 6, 2011 2:42 AM

that was incredible.

(22)
ramses,
March 30, 2010 9:59 PM

compassion and love

life is terrible without act of charity and compassion to each other. love is the angle stone to find happiness in one life. there are many Egypts bad and good , and many pharoahs bad and good. forget about the fame or a bad name. by the way in our egypt we ve recieved many refugees ( in alexandria) in 1492 after the brutal expulsion of the jewish from spain after the fall of Grenade.
may g-d help you and help all people who suffer.....
from Egypt with love :)

Your article was so beautifully written. Thank you for being vulnerable and open about your pain, and honest in sharing the truth of your struggle. We each have our Egypts, Pharoahs, and chains that bind us. We each need God to help us see the freedom from them that He provides to us.
Thank you for your inspiring thoughts. They are very encouraging. I have shared your story on my Facebook. Thank you for allowing that avenue to encourage others.

(19)
,
March 27, 2010 2:45 PM

I could not express this better myself. I have lived in your shoes, and continue to make similar choices each and every day. It's been over 25 years since I as last hospitalized for my eating disorder, but it's always an arms length away, and obsession with food and my weight is still at times my refuge, my escape, my comfort, my protection, my way of avoiding or masking the pain... Opening my heart to God has changed everything for me however. Finally getting out of an emotionally abusive marriage, years of listening to how "worthless" and "useless" and "stupid" I am. About to start a dream job after 12 years at home with my kids, still pinching myself to believe it's real! A new chapter, a new dawn, a new day! Freedom at last! I too will be celebrating much this Passover. Thank you for sharing your story....Wishing you love and light this Passover and always.

(18)
Anonymous,
March 25, 2010 5:02 AM

eating disorder

I can relate to the article in a very interesting way- I dont have an eating disorder the way you do, but recently I went through the most excruciating experience of my life- I was in a hole fom which i couldnt imagine ever getting out- and i stoped eating- i never meant to loose weight but i did stop eating and i lost 20 pounds in 3 weeks- my therapist pointed out how by being hungry i was "punishing" myself from what i felt to be my own fault and i was distracting myself from the intense suffering i was feeling- this made a lot of sense because i was hungry but could not put a piece of food in my mouth- very strange- B"H now im much better-

(17)
Anonymous,
March 25, 2010 1:19 AM

thank you. you're article really inspired me to make changes in my own life. while i may not have the same "pharoah" as you i have the things i need to face and was inspired by your strength and clarity to change your life, to find the strenfth in myself to change mine as well. what you have overcome is so huge and every time the struggle gets too much (which im sure happens) just remember what you have accomplished!! thank you!

(16)
Anonymous,
March 24, 2010 12:44 AM

THank you very much. I'm actually currently facing a dilemma and was wondering what you;d recommend as the best treatment for an eating disorder?I can really relate to your article and just want freedom and peace of mind for once. Baruch HASHEM as someone commented earlier as welll, I don;t suffer with it as intensely as much as u but how did u come to figuring how to deal best with yoursself and your emotional and phyical health?thank you again 4 opening my eyes!!

(15)
Anonymous,
March 23, 2010 10:56 PM

Thank G-d you discovered the truth about yourself & life.

So sad that you suffered for so many years.
Hashem should help you to regain all your amazing strength too do mitzvos and maasim tov.

(14)
SR,
March 23, 2010 2:34 AM

i love u girl. u continue to be an inspiration every single day. we are gonna do this together.

(13)
peace,
March 22, 2010 10:11 PM

thank you

batsheva,
you really are an inspiration. it takes a mighty strong person to go through what you have. it takes an even stronger person to go beyond that and share that of herself to strengthen others.
may you have the strength to contine persevering and always see the beauty in yourself.
thank you again for sharing

(12)
Anonymous,
March 22, 2010 7:44 PM

I can identify with the pain

Although I do not have an eating disorder, I can identify with the intense pain, confusion and self-doubt. It is by far one of the most excruciating experiences one can go through. When you're in a "hole" it is so difficult to see a "redemption" opportunity (whether it's in a form of a wise doctor, an inspiring lecture, etc.), which I believe everyone is offered at one point or another. It is even harder to reach out and start changing the destructive patterns step by step. Batsheva's ability to do just that attests to an incredible strength and maturity. She is a super quality person... I know, because she is my friend!!!

(11)
Rachel,
March 22, 2010 5:38 PM

Response to 8; Kudos to you, Batsheva

To #8, Anonymous: You might be interested in the following perspective; it might help you change your belief about people who don't love themselves.
As a life coach, I've worked with individuals who expressed having a profound lack of love for themselves. And while this attitude did compromise their ability to fully love their children and spouses 24/7, nevertheless, they were still nurturing and loving, just not for themselves.
When it comes to human behavior, there are no absolutes or one-size-fits-all descriptives for "all" people who are contending with an illness. And more importantly, it is unfair to refer to individuals with an illness as 'selfish.' Selfishness connotes deliberate intention or action. Behaviors associated with suffering people (i.e., mental or emotional illness) often are far from deliberate.
To Batsheva: Kudos for your inner strength and courage in putting your pain to the pen. And I commend you for sensitizing the community to your journey and to the plight of those suffering with eating disorders. May Hashem contiunue to shine His light upon your holy and beautiful neshamah and give you strength to persevere in your healing. And may your be a source of inspiration for so many others who are suffering, too.
HAPPY FREEDOM!!

(10)
Anonymous,
March 22, 2010 4:38 PM

thank you

i want to tell you that you have truly inspired me and that the moment i read your story i was suddenly overwhelmed by this impotent feeling of clarity. you see, i am presently suffering from an eating disorder. not, baruch Hashem, as severe as yours was, but enough to have made my life quite miserable in the last few months. yet, slowly, i am recovering, and your article has given me the strength to keep going.
thank you.

(9)
Anonymous,
March 22, 2010 2:33 PM

wow batsheva thanks for your article.it was really inspiring

(8)
Anonymous,
March 22, 2010 1:59 PM

You have a husband

I was shocked to have reached the end of this story of how unhappy you were and a slave to looking in the mirror, that you did love someone else besides yourself, that someone DOES love you to be with you, even though what is in the mirror isn't perfect. I have believed that no one can love a person who doesn't love themselves, and a person who has an eating disorder is so selfish, that they could never love another person... so how did that happen? How could you have pulled away from the mirror long enough to give your love to your husband?

(7)
ruth,
March 22, 2010 12:36 AM

Out of Egypt

This is a beautiful soul-driven article which makes many metaphoric connects to the enslavement of an eating disorder.
There is a book by Joel Ziff called Mirrors in Time which makes similar metaphoric connects. As a therapist Ziff has found that he can find the profound metaphors that drive our lives, our sorrows, in an examination and comparison of these issues with the Jewish holidays.
Maybe there is nothing truly new under the sun and we are re living the ancient stories and also learning as we go along in life. I am so glad this author is doing well, and feels liberated from the jaws of a disorder that truly does involve life itself, namely, what we ingest.
As a therapist I see the profound metaphoric connects that do connect eating disorders in so many ways, to how we feel about ourselves. For example, some fortify themselves with an extra layer, because it feels "safe" and there are psychological reasons to need safety. Others might get painfully thin to be noticed, and there is control in watching what one takes in, especially in a life that feels so out of control in many ways. There are but a few examples.

(6)
Anonymous,
March 21, 2010 11:44 PM

Kol HaKavid! You everted you own potential tragedy.

I have a dear friend whose spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on inpatient care for her bulimic daughter and another friend who's daughter committed suicide erev Pesach a year ago. I know what they lived through. So I know that you are strong and courageous to fight your demons. Know we ALL have parts of us we don't like. We all should strive to better ourselves and surround ourselves with a few really good support people--true friends to ease our way through life. Keep up the good work! May your life be blessed with increasing joy and fulfillment and appreciation of yourself.

(5)
Yiska,
March 21, 2010 9:15 PM

Great Article

Thank you for writing this. I am trying to overcome the same "pharaoh" that you have described here.
Congratulations.

(4)
Anonymous,
March 21, 2010 5:51 PM

Very moving

Batsheva, may your newly found freedom continue to liberate you in all respects, and having gone through what you went through, may the Almighty help you to be of help to those who are going through a similar "Egyptian" test.
All the best to you!

(3)
Anonymous,
March 21, 2010 5:27 PM

eating disorder

Unless one experiences it, having an eating disorder is impossible to comprehend. When did it begin? Back during the Roman empire, when the Romans overindulged, they had vomitoriums, which were places where they could eject whatever they overindulged in. Its likely that this was related to hedonism much more so than the worry about weight gain, nevertheless it happened. But where did the obsession with weight begin, in our time? why and how? In the 50's and early 60' size 10 and 12 were considered perfectly fine. Then along came Twiggy in 1965, and like her name, represented a new kind of body, and new way of looking. It represented being emaciated and possibly creating a size 0 which prior to her probably did not exist.All of sudden skinny was beautiful. And yet,food is probably the most difficult of all addictions to navigate. As opposed to others, we need it to survive. Alcohol, gambliing and other addictions while serious, can be completely obliterated from one's life; but not food, and let's face it ice cream tastes much better than brocolli. It is a never ending battle, a scourge on the soul. Double messages all over the place from advertisements for junk food, and then advertisements for weight loss. In our own kosher diets, we are constantly tempted by very fattening and unhealthy food like chulent, kishka, kugel and of course cake at a kiddush. For a food addict, one piece or tase won't do it. I always wished that I was one of those people who could care less about food, as I do about alcohol. and just eat to live. But when we live to eat, and then need to find extreme ways to get rid of it, the inner turmoil, guilt and shame are a hugh price to pay. It's a very complicated issue, one that really has no good answer.