WHISPERS OF MY UTOPIA: I'M FASCINATED BY PEOPLE AND THEIR BEHAVIOURS

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Monthly Archives: May 2016

I have read and observed the talk about ladies who cohabit with married men, stared as opinions took sharp meanders across social media, survived the hammers and tongs thrown from both divides, dozed off the lectures on why we shouldn’t judge them and finally wept. Yes, I wept in my soul after reading lengthy articles and watching media personalities try to justify society vices, listened in disgrace the vague arguments about why we should mind our business and hid from jabs propelled by extreme feminists. (Note feminists can be both female & male).

However, allow me to share my thoughts on the so called sponsoree ladies. I will judge them not on my individual capacity though, but as a representative of the society. The society bestows each one of us with a responsibility to uphold societal values. That shouldn’t be construed to mean I’m all righteous. In any case, I’m nowhere near a saint; however I can’t justify my boggling past mistakes with a selective bible reading attitude. Ideally, we should hold ourselves accountable of course from borrowing society values that should always be our point of reference. But how will we trace these values if all we do is sink in evil and resurface holding placards saying Do Not Judge!

To you that is sharing a Bible verse on Do not judge, would you mind reading Jude1:7as well! Just as Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding cities, which likewise indulged in sexual immorality and pursued unnatural desire,serve as an example by undergoing a punishment of eternal fire.

I repeat, Christians should learn to read the bible wholly and not selectively.

You know, humans are the worst hypocrites. They hide under a bible verse that says do not judge and use it as an excuse to exercise debauchery. They hide under a story of the bible that says cast the first stone if you are not a sinner in order to console themselves. Why we will judge these ladies however, is because if we don’t do so, it will be a lose-lose scenario. Come to think of Sodom and Gomorrah and if they judged each other. For argument’s sake, if these people raised uproar over bad behaviors, probably Sodom and Gomorrah would have saved itself from God’s anger. My point is, we cannot preach on DO NOT JUDGE and go ahead sinning left, right and center and consequently watch a society fall apart helplessly just because we were warned of judging. We’d rather judge since somehow some of us will appreciate that we are sinful and therefore repent and reconstruct our lives than publicly saying do not judge only to go ahead and judge secretly.

By the way, we will not judge you because we sin differently or because of what you’ve amassed at such a young age but because as a society, we have a mandate to judge people who give life to evil. But we are not exceptions either! The same sword we judge with should be placed right on us if we do the same. Judging, safeguards values of a society. For truth’s sake we should stop burying our heads in the sand and lie that we do not judge even when we make poetic opinions why we shouldn’t judge.

Humans judge a million and one times every day. It is human nature. It’s in our DNA. That’s how we are wired. Actually, not even OUR OWN SELVES escape from self-criticism. We’d rather make peace with that part of reality and be honest with ourselves. We judge people based on their heights, their careers, how they dress, their characters, type of car they drive, the estate they live in, their type of weave, makeup, spouse, their bodies, their relatives, their failures, their incomes…..damn, we do this every single day. Even when we shout on top of Mt. Everest that DON’T JUDGE, we will fall back to judging the next minute. We will judge with our mouths shut, our eyes closed, our hearts smiling and with every other body part that can do so. No one is an exemption from this human flaw including our lecturers, Pastors/Bishops/Apostles/Prophets/Imams and parents. It’s who we are anyway. We will judge in our dreams, in church, in burial ceremonies, in weddings, in dowry occasions, at birthday parties, in school, when having a family meal, in the office, in the matatu, and virtually everywhere.

That said, I don’t advocate on what one popular blogger C.Nyakundi sometimes writes. Judging shouldn’t be about insults or attacking a certain gender. It should be done within the purveyors of decorum and ethics. We should be mindful of these people as well as their families. Crushing them with insults and unprintable words is not justifiable. However, that shouldn’t mean we remain silent. As representatives of society, we should judge them by telling them what they are doing is ungodly and so wrong. Cross generational sex can only mean one thing; that Judgement Day is not far off.

You see, if we do not make noise about the direction our generation is heading, from tearing apart marriage institutions to openly practising prostitution in whichever form, we will have lost the plot and equally angered God. Not that we are any righteous but because we have a mandate to be responsible Christians who jealously guard societal values. Because, if we do not do so, who will do it?

Worse still, if we don’t judge, we will sit pretty and watch our daughters get lured by money and say; “It shall be well!!!” C’mon??

When my Research lecturer gave us an assignment on writing a proposal, my mind juggled with so many topics for some days. Ultimately, my Proposal heading read; A STUDY ON THE PLIGHT OF THE BOY CHILD IN KENYA. It is no coincidence that I’m passionate about the male gender threats and prospects in this country. At times I will sound harsh to them (I included)with criticism, sometimes supplying sympathy and reassurance all in search of mentoring avenues for this incredible human species. It is also not a coincidence too, that this is the umpteenth time I’m writing an open letter to dear men.

I start by affirming the riddle; You never throw stones when you live in a glass house. My perennial criticism however, is not baseless but out of anger, shock and disappointment on how low we have lowered the bar of qualifying to be a gentleman. That said I can confirm the following;

A majority of fathers have miserably failed to be good role models. A good number of us have also welcomed the idea that it is humanly normal to have several sidekicks, not even one at your disposal! That man is the greatest loser from the upsurge of single parenting is not being emphasized either. Alcoholism has shattered our dreams, emasculated everything will hold dear and disenfranchised our families. These four facts have costed us immense reputation and track record. They have weakened our enviable history we bequeathed from our grand fathers. Furthermore, they have peeled every tasty flesh in man’s legacy and reduced us to mere scavengers with no heritage to hold on; left us bare, feeling vulnerable and battling with exposed flaws.

Enough of that.

Fellow men, I confirm to have partaken in dealing with the burden of unprecedented pressure, contemporary man is grappling with day in day out. If it’s not to have a loyal wife, then it has to be a decent car then expectations evolve to an imposing piece of land, then a mansion worth inviting humans to attend for the official opening. That done, they call for a million dollar wedding and before that you save for a commercialised dowry occasion. From there you will be required to steer and show direction to a family set up that is bleeding from over empowerment. You will be expected to hold this same family in one piece dealing on the sidelines with a mother in law who is briefed daily on the metamorphosis of your behaviors and bank balance. You will also deal with mother in laws who will dare you to stress their too educated but fragile daughters. You will grapple with village men who expect something small every time you visit up country. You will either deal with it willingly or from their manipulative skills. Your kids will be expected to go to schools that cost an arm and a length. A lot will be expected from you in ensuring you give them decent upbringing. Dear men, I know the weight of expectations from close family members. Out of circumstances you will be compelled to be ambitious and opportunistic. In the end you will be worshipped for being wealthy regardless of where you amassed it from. The quicker your bribe your way to riches the sooner the celebrations will start otherwise the reverse is also true.

However, there is more that matters to man. To achieve all the above we need to cultivate a strong foundation. We need to bank and invest on mentors. But who will mentor us, really? To prove how tough it is for a man to celebrate his 35th birthday sober, spiritual, and full of life; here’s some of the challenges.

Not so long ago a couple of my classmates and I gathered to catch up after we found out one of the day’s unit had been cancelled. A spontaneous convergence had taken place whereas the rest had hurriedly left on learning the news of cancellation of the class. Within no time, a heated conversation was growing and soon enough we were basking in laughter and tears of joy. The cost of leaving this elusive gathering was too high. I savoured every minute of this encounter since it’s not an often thing. You know how evening or weekend classes always have students in a rush even when it is unnecessary. If it is not hurrying to get to class on time then it could be to head home before the rains pound or before it gets too late to prepare supper or it could be to catch up for a big game with the boys. These students are always on adrenaline. Every single announcement of cancellation of class brings along its fair share of impromptu events and activities that must be honoured. In fact, these students live for the cancellation of a class!

Anyway, we laughed and sympathised with each other on life’s experiences. The dominant topic of discussion was about the plight of men in this day and age. Why this arose was because a lady who was scantily dressed made a mistake of passing next to us. Yes she was badly dressed. She had a kikoi to cover her exposed thighs given that she would sit down at some point in the day with her waistline-long dress. I never get the drift but I leave it there. That dressing was a game changer to our conversations. Thanks to her, it resulted to us sharing the most fundamental aspects of life. We came clean and unashamed of our past mistakes. For once, there was no judgment or eye -rolling.

A lady in the group spoke of how one of her male colleagues who by that time was a bachelor had been trapped in a love web with a lady that used to clean his clothes over the weekends. The banker dude had fallen for a Mama Fua. It all began when the said lady started by leaving some of her items in the bachelor’s digs every time she came for her kibarua(hustle), deliberately. This dude didn’t decode the signals right on time until she left her undergarments. They guy still unperturbed remained mum. The following weekend, Mama Fua came late and so her task ended in the late hours as well. She said she was worried to go home in the night. It was risky for her. The guy suggested to escort her but his suggestion was outwitted skillfully by Mama Fua. Mama Fua spent the night in his house and ……..one thing led to another. Whatever magic that lady used worked soundly.`

Since then, the poor guy fell for this damn woman with all his naive heart and soul, wealth, time, inheritance and with any other resource he owned. Oblivious to him, Mama Fua was a single mother. Daring enough, she brought her kid to live with the new dad. It became impossible for this man to cut links with her. Friends and colleagues tried in vain. When word reached the dad, his result to anger and condemnation bore no fruit. The only thing that worked was to literally pack the belongings of his son, uproot him and leave Mama Fua with the house all for her. He had to also influence a transfer of his son to another station in a different town. It worked.

We moved on to this bloke who confessed to have been enfeebled by this female colleague with unrelenting and disturbing theatrics to woo him. Clearly, this guy had been pulling uninterested looks to this chic who in turn seemed not to be in short supply of tricks to lure him persistently. He got trapped to this female colleague type of play. He naively chose to play in her court. By not admonishing her and telling her he was not comfortable with her moves, he made the lady assume silence meant affirming her motives. Not once, did this ingenuous guy find his coat sneaked in some scribbled notes confessing her love to him.

At another end, a guy broke to us how he dated a lady who was few weeks pregnant by the time he started hitting on her. Oblivious of what was to shock him, they warmed for a relationship with the lady throwing all the signals that she wanted to be laid as soon as possible. Were it not for Jesus who did a miracle to this lad, making him be patient enough, by now he would be paying school fees to a son or daughter he didn’t father but having been convinced it was his.

From my assessment, the society has negated its role of mentoring and looking after young men with the presumption that having gone through campus/college life, they are mature enough to make sound decisions and steer a life independently. On the other hand, too much concern is put to ladies which at some point means living with their relatives even with they get jobs. They are monitored constantly and every decision they make questioned by their parents. They truth of the matter is, young men soon after getting employed and living away from the watchful close relatives, fall into the gaping holes of naivety. They are never advised beforehand, that living in far a town away from family comes with a lot of trust and responsibility. Lest they will be swallowed by conniving eyes and tricks of swindlers who come armed with the so called love. The most regrettable mistakes men make don’t happen when in High school, not even in Campus or thereafter but during their formative years of employment. Evil has undying love for new money.

Guys with promising career prospects are getting duped so cheaply for lack of solid foundations and principles. They are dating and divorcing interchangeably. They are marrying the wrong spouses out of peer and societal pressure, raising kids they didn’t sire unknowingly, get battered and humiliated by their so called wives and scamper for help in bars when they meet female barmaids, who devour on whatever else that is left. In the end, we bury these promising young men, in their miserable state having been drowned by alcohol, HIV, depression, senseless society pressure and anything in between.

What young men are pleading for, is the society to churn out enough good role models who can advise them from childhood to even when they attend parents’ day meetings (before they are abolished by Matiang’i) and beyond then. Men need to be monitored, held accountable and reassured that there are people out there who cherish them and hold them highly. Parents should also cease from imagining that since their sons have landed fancy jobs after campus, that their parenting concludes then. In fact real parenting commences from this stage.

A very Happy Birthday to one Joseph Wairia a huge fan of this blog back in TZ….Bro, may you live to be a great daddy.

Njoki Chege wrote an article about ladies who smoke shisha which went ahead to cause a stir from the blogosphere, vomiting its hard truths in the streets of social media to the not so amused large number of urbanite generation. Of course the reaction was predictable. It’s politically correct to put it this way; that contemporary men are at peace with women who pull heavy gasps of tobacco down to their three decade old lungs and let out dark clouds of oscillating smoke that lazily finds its way to the stuffy air at 3am in an entertainment joint. Very few would disapprove this fact.

But when the same is practiced by kids who are graduating from adolescence; boys who have half a dozen years ahead of them to grow beards and high school girls whose most valuable assets are smartphones, then the rain won’t stop beating us anytime soon. We will be swept by raiding floods of evil without huruma!(Mercy). The so called contemporary parents will bury many of their kids even before they clear college. They will die out of excess freedom, careless parenting and from worship of Western cultures. They will die with lungs reduced to ash trays no different from street kids who spend years sniffing glue. Shisha people and glue sniffing street kids have no difference only separated by access to money.

Somebody said on TV the other day, that parents nowadays are raising career kids. I strongly agree. We are a people that are putting too much focus on kids’ performance in schools at the very expense of family values. That since your son or daughter is in a competitive National school and scoring good grades; he or she is treated as a demigod. Their behaviors aren’t questioned nor raise parents’ eyebrows. They are pampered from kindergarten age to when they marry and thereafter. Any mess that is reported, is blamed on the teachers. Teachers, drug peddlers and bar men understand these kids more than the parents!

Just before schools opened from the last April holidays, I checked into this entertainment joint. Apparently, there was an organised Salsa dancing competition. What my friends and I found out was that most of the participants were high school kids. It must have been past 11pm. I’m talking about teenagers who had sneaked from their parents’ homes or rather allowed to be away for the night to participate in a salsa competition at a nightclub mingled by adults of all walks of life. How mindless can parents be? Of course they couldn’t afford beer, but smoked shisha in turns until cockcrow hours. They stirred the section we were seated in, burying the rest of us with heavy billows of shisha smoke. Occasionally as the ecstatic night dragged on, these high schools kids would assemble together and in turns religiously pull humongous puffs and let out white waverings of smoke that would leave behind blurred illusions. In fact, by the time we stepped out, we must have drawn in kilos and kilos of shisha from secondary smoking.

At another end was a young lady accompanied by a guy, who seemed to be her partner. Every time my eyes pounced on her, she was always breathing in, holding diligently the shisha pipe for minutes that would drag to half an hour or more. She was beautiful, with a glowing skin, dangling hairs and if you happened to bump on her during the day, her eyes would flatter you with the innocence they illuminated. The seemingly unperturbed partner traded his eyes to the dancing humanity pulling a-not-so-bothered demeanor.

I’m not sure how I would seat up with my girlfriend for five hours and all she did would be sucking a shisha pipe holding it more tightly than she held me. How? A night full of white smoke, smokier kisses and a look at our very foggy future together. My mind would create imaginations of me stumbling her in the house still holding a shisha pipe, holed somewhere in the table room, forgetting that she left something cooking in the kitchen. I’d think of how she would raise our kids including how worse off they could turn out. I’d worry of the numerous times we would visit the doc for her chest problems and heavy, dark coughs that in essence would put to bare her dark life as well. I would think of mum and how her reaction would be upon realising I date such a chic….what would be left of me is probably die and fail to resurrect. Avoiding dealing with the reality of betraying her time, investments, emotions, prayers and expectations.

I have serious beef with contemporary parenting. This coolness you brag to your peers about your kids, is sucking me up. It’s filling my heart with choking anger. I’m infuriated by this sheer wastage of a generation. Dear newfangled parents who care less about where your high school sons and daughters spend their nights; you will have a very miserable posterity. The kind of laziness you are depicting in raising those kids will come down tumbling on your balding heads rather hard. The demigods you are nurturing will in the end, feed every investment you own and finally feed on you too. We will bury you of ulcers and all other stress related illnesses.

You parents that are easily carried away by Nairobi Diaries never missing an episode while your daughter is out there dressed in under wears, in the evil hours of the night, seated in dark corners of entertainment joints religiously holding shisha pipes for hours, engulfed by men who have rendered millions of women to be single mothers, your space in hell is set and waiting for you. You absentee dads that spend nights in pubs with somebody’s teenage daughters ruining their lives with pots of shisha, cheap money and loaned cars while in the process taking away their innocence; you have a mandate to reconcile with your sins here on earth or in the afterlife.

Parents must rise to the occasion and realise one never stops raising his/her kids. Ask Tonny Kibaki if his mum ever stopped raising him even after he was all grown, married and a daddy. Learn lessons of how Lucy Kibaki (RIP) raised her kids. And for your information, according to Lancet Commission on Adolescent Health which released its report last Tuesday(10/05/2016), it pointed that the fastest growing risk factor for ill health in young people aged between 10 and 24 years in the past 23 years has been unsafe sex. Now, isn’t these high school kids bragging of shisha escapades that pose to be victims of this statistics?

The other day a female friend sent me a text message reading that I had been invited to a wedding committee. Actually, she was not really a friend but one of those people who possess your number by mistake. You know, there are those people who shouldn’t have your number, but they have it anyway and there is nothing you can do about it. The bad thing is that they will use it to invite you to wedding committees while in reality the two of you can’t sustain a two sentence conversation. You console yourself with the fact that your number stays dormant, cold and feeling out of place in their phonebooks. It’s hardly used.

Back to the wedding committee; What followed is that I was added to a Whatsapp group!

Two things;

One – If I have to be in a wedding committee then I have to be a mutual friend to the couple.

Or

Two – I have to be invited by the man, meaning that dude will have been my friend by the time he is inviting me to this committee.

If neither of the two – I will show up at your wedding day with my present of course!

The thing is, not everybody should be part of a wedding committee. There should be a criteria and something like benchmarking in deciding who should or shouldn’t qualify to this endeavour. This shouldn’t be a meeting where you gather acquaintances, would-be friends, frenemies, secret admirers, phantom friends or familiar people. And by the way, as a lady leave the functioning of the wedding committee to the man. You can help him come up with the list of trusted friends and relatives but this does not mean going all out fishing and combing-clean social media streets smoking out friends (stalkers) and dragging them to wedding planning forum half asleep. Neither is it a time to start looking for erstwhile friends whom you haven’t spoken to in a decade and then converting them to wedding committee members.

You know, there is something beautiful and manly about being invited by the man to this kind of a committee. From a man’s perspective, it reads recognition and appreciation. My point is, as a woman please focus on the gown, wedding cake and that humorous lady who perfects in cake cutting as she engages the crowd. Men are poor in these three tasks. And for your information, a wedding is an expensive affair, save enough before imagining of who should be invited to the committee.

Assuming you will be convinced or feel the need to attend one, this is who you will meet. By the way it’s terrible to bank wholly on the wedding committee. They will fail you big time if you are not cautious. This is how it plays out;

You invite a hundred fellows, 30% turn up, 70% will never show up, respond to your texts nor pick your calls the moment they smell you need to part with their money. The 30% that turn up, 20% will only attend the maiden meeting just to be noticed and to see who has been invited and who didn’t make it to the list. These are people obsessed with titles and big man syndrome. This is how the rest will unfold:

Observers

Among the 15% out of the 30% that choose to attend, will be a group of the so called Observers. They will check in on time but will never contribute a point. They remain nailed on their seats, mum and occasionally on their phones. You can label them see no evil; hear no evil kind of people. They are mere observers rich in silence, big in attendance and zero on impact. End result – huge disappoint.

Phony People

These are quite interesting creatures better than observers. They contribute just one point in a two hours session and then drift to their pricey phones. Here they take selfies projecting how they are holed up in a big-wedding-planning and share them on social media. They will regularly walk out to pick calls and later comeback to remain glued to their damn phones. They will make it their point to ensure everybody notices their expensive smartphones by the time the meeting is done. Normally they walk in possession of two to three phones. End result – Below average

Technical Appearance Groupies

These chaps will check in to be seen they attended. They show no regard to the agendas of the day or any concern to how the wedding plan is progressing. They show up for 5 – 10 minutes and walk out in disguise of making a phone call. End result – Zero

Apology Lot

They throw perceptions of being very busy people. If they ain’t catching a flight, then they could be driving up country if not jumping to an important meeting. They specialise in giving apologies even on the actual wedding day. End result – Miserable

One Hit Wonder

They show up either on the maiden meeting or the very last one. They are a huge disappointment if one banks on them. They come to assess and gauge whether they should attend in future. They are big on promises but zero on delivery. End result – A mistake to have been invited!

Noisemakers

They are very social guys. They make friends effortlessly and create networks in minutes. To them, they view people as viable avenues to market their businesses, get county tenders, clinch jobs for relatives or buy or sell cars. End result – Fairly reliable.

Trusted circle

These could be close relatives, office colleagues or trusted friends. They are the main decision makers and major initiators of meeting agendas. They are tasked with specific responsibilities from Committee leaders (Chairman, Secretary & Treasurer), Transport Managers, Entertainment heads, Tent & Decor docket and tasks to find the best and affordable Photographers & MCs. End result – Extremely important

Big Kahunas/Financiers

Normally very influential personages, they are extremely critical. They have resources or connections to ensure the wedding is successful. They will avail cars, seek wedding venues and finance the wedding budget significantly. End result: extremely helpful

Wedding committees have been watered down over the years for two main reasons. One, the organisers have not been paying attention to the principle that no everybody should be invited. We are obsessed with numbers which in many a time end up to disappoint. I can confirm to have participated in a lean wedding committee that ended up delivering beyond expectations. The advantage with a small team is that, it’s easy to manage, to allocate specific tasks and to hold them accountable. Again, a smaller team works harder to prove they are equal to the tasks allocated.

Secondly, we are people that do weddings just to be noticed. That said, a majority don’t save enough for the big day but burden relatives and friends to finance their budgets. We do weddings we can’t afford just to smooth our egos and form the talk from the villages, church, office and to other social circles.