Saturday, 12 March 2016

Gym

To give you a quick explanation of why I decided to sell my soul and sign a 6 month contract with Virgin Active let’s just say there’s this thing called muscles and I apparently didn't have any.

And since I can’t do any sort of physical effort without being tricked into it by music, choreography and a fair amount of group pressure i’ve been going to the gym classes. Mainly this three:

Smile Yoga.

Just like normal yoga, but the teacher insist on us to smile, a lot. I know she means well but it’s mildly annoying to have a stranger telling you to smile. I fear that one day I’ll crack up and start screaming “YOU DONT KNOW MY LIFE LADY, MAYBE THIS IS THE ONLY PART OF MY DAY I DON’T HAVE TO FAKE SMILE TO STRANGERS LEAVE MY FACE ALONE”

Boring Ballet

also known as Pilates.

This one is my favourite. Most of the staff at the gym has that contractual fake happiness that makes me uncomfortable. They are all giddy and supportive in a way it’s not natural, but the pilates teacher is having none of that. She never smiles, and has no problem in scolding an old woman for making a wrong Roll Up. She’s possibly the grumpiest person working there and therefore I love her and fear her in equal amounts.

Body Balance

Just blend yoga, tai chi and pilates and put Adele playing. It’s a mess, but you are no one until you have reached for your toes to the sound of Someone Like You.

Anyway, this week I was at the gym and overheard someone commenting about how now is the time they have more attendance, because people start to worry about the summer and not having a “beach-body”. And I thought I might have some insight to share with these people, as a person who has been skinny all her life (except that first year of college when i stress-ate pasta and bread to a point none of my jeans fit). So, if you are someone who is losing weight for the summer, let me tell you what’s in your future:

1- Bones sticking out

When I sleep on the side I need to put a pillow between my legs, so that my bony knees don’t touch each other.

I’m assuming that’s a common thing.

2- The world is colder.

I mean literally. You need warmer clothes. Which brings me to the next topic:

3- It's not like all clothes will magically fit you all of a sudden

So, models are skinny, and I'm skinny, fashion was made for people like me right? I should be swimming in amazing well fitted gowns and dresses and perfectly sized jeans!

But not really. Once you are thin you'll just find a bunch of new ways your body can be disproportionate. The struggle to find clothes that don’t make me look like an anemic toothpick is real.

this one is a no-no

4- Accidentally touching an organ.Sometimes I'm lying in bed and I touch some part of my belly and I feel something there and it hurts and I start freaking out. Why does it hurt?Maybe I have something growing there?what if it's cancer? and then it turns out I was just touching my liver and it hurt because its normal to feel pain when you repeatedly poke your organs.5- You can’t complainWhen you are skinny you can't say anything negative about you're own body without being immediately told to shut up. But don't worry, there are still a bunch of things you can be publicly insecure about without stirring controversy! Like being bad at math, having dry skin or an annoying voice.

6- You will need a belt.

You will also need to learn the ancient art of punching new holes on that belt with a scissor during a trip to Austria where the food was so bad you lost 4 kilos in a week, just a heads up.

7- Being called a stick figure in that song About That Bass

Well great for you Meghan Trainor, if you have “that boom boom that all the boys chase”.

Rest assure that although I don’t have “all the right junk in all the right places” I have a ribcage and colar bones that can be seen from a distance.

Not that all boys chase that, but they probably have some scientific curiosity about it.

So that's all! Hope that puts some things in perspective, now go back to your burpees or squats or whatever you people do.