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Gramps: “You know you should tell your boy that in my day we didn’t riot in the streets just because we didn’t get our way like a bunch of spoiled brats. Nosireebob.”

Mom: “Well, Dad, actually you did. Remember the Chicago convention and how mom burned her bra to protest Vietnam?”

Son: “Whoa. Trying to eat here. I do NOT need that image of Grandma.”

Grandma: “You know, we were young once. Full of optimism and idealism and then, well, I married your grandfather…”

Gramps: “Shut up Sadie. Who do I have to know to get some dressing around here?”

Dad (to brother-in-law visiting from Mississippi): “So, Biff, we’re glad you and Mary-Susan could join us today. How was the drive?”

Biff: “We’re gonna make America great again. Radical Islamic terrorists. Lock her up. Take our country back. Grab her by the…”

Dad: “OK, OK, that’s enough.”

Mary-Susan: “He’s been that way for two weeks now. It’s all he can say. I don’t even think he knows what he’s talking about.”

Mom: “Let’s not talk about politics. It’s Thanksgiving. We should all go around the table and name one thing that we are especially grateful for this year. I’ll start. I am grateful for this lovely meal that I have been working on for more than 36 hours nonstop with no help whatsoever not even to get the cranberries at the last minute when I drove to Publix and bought them standing in line wearing only my robe and slippers because what does any of it matter? Now, who would like to go next?”

Gramps: “I’m grateful that we’re finally gonna have a wall to keep the Mexicans out.”

Grandma: “Does this include Rosalita who comes every two weeks to clean our condo?”

Gramps: “Of course not. Rosalita can stay. I meant all the rapists and murderers and druggers. Rosalita is FAMILY.”

Daughter: “OMG, Grandpa, you are so racist! Not to mention you are such a misogynist!”

Gramps: “There’s that word again. I’ve heard it my whole life and I still don’t know what it means.”

Daughter: “I wish all of you would die.”

Mom (draining her wine glass): “Hahahhahahaha! You know when I wanted to die? When I was standing in the produce aisle in my robe…”

All (except Biff): “WE KNOW…”

Biff: “Crooked Hillary, Little Mario, Lying Ted Cruz…”

Dad: “Is it too much to just have a peaceful meal with loved ones? Let’s put politics aside and focus on the future.”