Navigating Adulthood One Day At A Time

Hell on Earth…Also Known As Driving

I feel that some kind of dark magic takes place once you put yourself into a car. People think they are invisible, invincible, and just turn into flat out assholes in a car.

Driving is easily one of the most terrifying things I do all day. That’s saying a lot considering I teach 4th and 5th graders.

I think there are clear categories to put drivers into:

The aggressors- These people I bet are assholes in all aspects of their lives. They probably unapologetically cut people off in the grocery store just as much as they cut people off on the highway. They feel they have the right of way all the time. They are the people who rear-end you going 80 in a neighborhood and try to blame you for that accident.

The “peaceful” aggressors- These people are aggressive, arrogant drivers…but they also have “coexist” bumper stickers or “green peace” or my favorite the Christian fish. They are assholes in the car but are probably obnoxious with their peaceful viewpoints outside the car. So in reality they are just straight up assholes who try to hide it.

Subaru drivers- I mean wtf? Why are they the worst?

Jeep drivers- Your car doesn’t make you anything special Mr. “It’s a jeep thing you wouldn’t understand.” Let’s not pretend you actually use it to go off-roading or anything remotely adventurous. The most adventurous thing you do is drive 90 on icy roads thinking you’re invincible…and I, inevitably, pass your car later after you’ve spun out.

The Scarily Passive driver- I’m looking at you lady who I’m merging onto a freeway going 10 mph. At this point we are all going to die because we can’t go from 10- 65 mph in 5 seconds. Start speeding up before I get crushed by a semi, please…thanks!

The super-aggressors- While it has never happened to me I have watched these crazy-ass people get out of cars to scream at people at red lights. What is possibly so bad in your life that makes you that angry? Seriously, take a breather, grab some Starbucks or something before you drive among the people again.

Vanity license plates- Entitled…that is all.

There may be a part two to this at some point but these are the ones I can think of. Please feel free to add your own in the comments.