More breaking news - a shadowy figure known only as "JConte" is rumored to be taking an unofficial role with "player development" with the Notre Dame program. Little is known about JConte, but he is rumored to be a former East German female track and field competitor. It is unknown whether the word "former" refers to JConte having retired from track and field or "formerly" being a woman. Others claim ties between JConte and the 1972 gold medal basketball game when the Soviets "did not" pay off any officials to insure that the Soviets could have do-overs until they won. Other rumors tie JConte to the Balco/Victor Conte steroid scandal. What we do know is that Notre Dame's football players have all gained an average of 15 pounds and reduced their time in the 40 by an average of 0.2 seconds since Alabama waxed Notre Dame in the NC.

Although none of these rumors have any basis in fact, a small but devoted group of football sim players refuse to discount any of the allegations.

Posted by 2chair on 1/16/2013 10:09:00 AM (view original):More breaking news - a shadowy figure known only as "JConte" is rumored to be taking an unofficial role with "player development" with the Notre Dame program. Little is known about JConte, but he is rumored to be a former East German female track and field competitor. It is unknown whether the word "former" refers to JConte having retired from track and field or "formerly" being a woman. Others claim ties between JConte and the 1972 gold medal basketball game when the Soviets "did not" pay off any officials to insure that the Soviets could have do-overs until they won. Other rumors tie JConte to the Balco/Victor Conte steroid scandal. What we do know is that Notre Dame's football players have all gained an average of 15 pounds and reduced their time in the 40 by an average of 0.2 seconds since Alabama waxed Notre Dame in the NC.

Although none of these rumors have any basis in fact, a small but devoted group of football sim players refuse to discount any of the allegations.

Well if Arfy is really a guy I can surely believe that conte started out as a woman.

There is no truth to norbert being conte or conte being norbert though is it? I could believe that norbert is Arfy or caesari is norbert or even that I am norbert. But the conte/norbert rumor???

There are unconfirmed rumors coming out of Oregon State Hospital that a mental patient named Julius Jesus, and who is suffering from a megalomaniac God Complex, has mounted a challenge to the authority of a tyrannical chief nurse. Mr. Jesus claims to have the assistance of a tall, broom wielding Native American who never speaks to anyone or reacts to anything around him. According to authorities at the Oregon State Hospital, Mr. Jesus' real name may be Rick Astley or Vanilla Ice. "His delusions are taking us places where mental health is not ready to go yet," said the doctor in charge of the facility, Dr. A.D.H. Disorder. "He came here a few months ago claiming to be a caesar salad with no anchovies. I happen to like caesar salads with no anchovies - hey, look! There's a squirrel! What were we talking about? Oh, right. One day he's a caesar salad, the next he claims to be Julius Caesar. The next day he might be - hey! The Eagles hired Chip Kelley! Those *********! What? Oh. Right, the next day he claims to be Fabio, and one time he even claimed to be an Italian soccer player. I can't believe the Eagles hired Kelley! Anyway, the patient spent that entire day rolling around on the floor pretending to be hurt. Of course, I did tell the guards to beat him with rubber hoses that day. I hate soccer - wait - I wasn't supposed to say that. I like soccer. What was the question?"

The chief nurse in question, Mildred Ratched, claims that the patient became livid when told that 1) he is not God, and 2) even if he were, even God needed to eat all his vegetables to get dessert. At that point, Mr. Jesus yelled at Nurse Ratched that "you can forget about having any success after the update" and called her an "Omahog." When asked about the name Julius Jesus, Nurse Ratched rolled her eyes. "He couldn't decide whether he was Julius Erving or Jesus Alou today. I probably shouldn't have called him 'The Joe Webb of Mental Patients.'"

Little is known about Mr. Jesus alleged ally. There are rumors that Mr. Jesus refers to this man as "The Chef" although he is more commonly referred to as "The Chief." Local law enforcement had an attitude that might be called "blase" at best and "laughing themselves silly" at worst. "Oh, please," said an anonymous source close to the local chief of police with knowledge of the situation. "I have been the chief of police - uh - don't quote me on that - for fifteen years. We planted The Chief in there about ten years ago as an undercover drug cop - uh - don't quote me on that either - uh - anyway, I promised the Chief a half dozen Krispy Kremes if he stuffed Julius Jesus in a basketball net. We are going to videotape the whole thing and put it on YouTube."

Upon the exploration of a great man, known to the masses only as "mojolad," a new document written by the now famous prophet Caesari was unearthed. After gently dusting his screen off, eating two jello cups, and getting his nurse to change his diaper, mojolad began to transcribe the message, before sending it to FOX, where it ironically would fall on deaf ears.

This is the document mojolad found that night that caused such a stir:

I, Caesari, writing by the prodding of a divine vision, in which I saw oriole_fan, in the holy light of a new engine. On his left hand sat Norbert, and on his right there was the fear inducing JConte, kneeling, the weight of 2.0 on his shoulders. It came to the brink of crushing him, and I debated kicking his legs out from under him so it would do just that. But I digress.

On the eve of November, in the year of our code 2013, while children were out scaring each other, I saw the most frightening thing of all. I saw before me the souls of snake_p and grindi, rejoicing, frolicking in a field of clovers and altogether having a wonderful time. Their nannies sat off on a hill overlooking the meadow, holding the crayons and playthings the two held so dear. They approached me, and I stood before them, astounded.

"AWAKE, AWAKE!" Snake called, before three more spirits appeared. They looked exactly like him, and they all echoed his warning. I tried to flee, but could not.

"DOTH THOU DAREST TO ESCAPE?" Grindi said in an impenetrable way. "I ONCE WON A COMPETITION WHERE I BEAT DAVY CROCKETT AND ANNIE OAKLEY IN A SHOOTING CONTEST, BUT THEY USED REAL GUNS, MIND YOU. I ONLY HAD A BLOWGUN, AND THOSE SUCKERS ARE HARD TO SHOOT ACCURATELY FROM 350 YARDS AWAY IN THE MIDDLE OF A SNOW STORM. BUT BY GOLLY I DID IT."

I was unsure how to respond, and frankly unsure what this vision meant.

"ALTHOUGH I FLED WHEN JCONTE NUKED THE ENGINE," Snake continued, "I FORSEE AN OUTCOME- UNAVOIDABLE YET. EITHER, AND I DO MEAN THIS, 3.0 WILL BE A SUCCESS, OR

IT SHALL FAIL."

The words chilled my bones. I awoke from the vision/dream with a start, took about 4 Prozacs, and wrote my warning to you all:

3.0 is the beginning of the end, and the end of the beginning. We face the twilight years of GD, and also the golden years. I know not which shall come, but I'm banking on the fact that my Ithaca team finally wins a damn NC.