Greetings, I come in peace.

Around the big top

Monday, April 20 was a monumental day for national security in the United States of America.

It was the day of the X-Conference, a day in D.C. when respected scientists, doctors and tin foil hat conspiracy theorists came together to share information that they hope will persuade the Obama Administration to release “important” files on UFO’s.

If the administration is truly going to try to keep its word on transparency, we need to know about these UFO’s. Even more importantly, we need to know about the people … scratch that … things, that were inside the UFO’s that have dropped all over the country, according to the people at the X-Conference.

Where are these things now? What are they doing? Are these like the aliens from “Third Rock From the Sun” and “Mystery Science Theater 3,000?” Or, are these aliens like the ones from “Mars Attacks” and various episodes of “The Twilight Zone?”

Are they living amongst us here in Arenac County?

Well, that one I’m not so curious about. I know some of you are out there and probably reading this right now. I’m on to you.

We have enough wack jobs in this world, and I am not really too excited about more wack jobs, non-human life form wack jobs, coming here uninvited. Mr. Obama, please release these UFO files.

If there really is a national security issue to be addressed here, don’t worry, my rebel army and I, complete with laser guns, light sabers, transporter rooms and Will Smith can take them out. I have a lot of practice in space war from my Star Trek collectible card game. I have almost the complete set and enjoy playing until 4 a.m. with my fellow defenders of Earth.

X-Conference, we are with you. Release the UFO files! We need to know the biological makeup of these things and we need to be prepared for them when they strike to take over the world. Didn’t you see the movie Independence Day? These spacecrafts are equipped with shields that are impervious to nuclear missiles!

Are we ready to address that kind of threat?

And what if we have “The Thing” slithering around somewhere here? That movie creeped me out, I mean, if Kurt Russell and Wilford Brimley can’t take this thing out, I’m pretty much frightened to my wit’s end.

We need to start diplomatic measures to avoid an interplanetary war. If these confidential files aren’t made public, the citizens of the U.S., let me clear that up, the citizens of the U.S. who were born on Earth, can’t be prepared for said interplanetary, possibly intergalactic, battle.

As mentioned earlier, I have a small group ready to fight back. But by releasing these files, the government can give us a better idea on if we have to recruit more members, upgrade our space weaponry or transport ourselves to another galaxy to serve as the planet’s diplomats.

So release the files, Mr. President, it’s time everyone knew the truth.

But not on UFO’s, give us the truth on everything: sasquatch, leprechauns, unicorns, mermaids, Atlantis, Paul Bunyan, the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, the Witchy Wolf and the Detroit Lions’ Super Bowl hopes.

Tell us the truth, the whole truth, or is there something you are trying to hide, Mr. President … Hmm…

WHICH MEMBER OF YOUR ADMINISTRATION IS AN ALIEN, OR… WAIT… NO… ARE YOU AN ALIEN?

And I just gave away information about my rebel group to control interplanetary affairs? WHAT HAVE I DONE???!!!!