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Arnold Schwarzenegger

Racists, it’s your lucky day. Not just because Nina Davuluri, a woman whose family is of Indian descent, won the Miss America pageant yesterday, leaving your razor-sharp mind to compose xenophobic tweets with wild impunity. (Sorry, let me link the big words to Dictionary.com so you can look them up: Impunity. Xenophobic. Ok, we’re back on track.) It’s not your lucky day just because of THAT, but because I’ve decided to help you become a better bigot via Twitter.

Frankly, your Twitter racism game is weak, judging by some of the examples I’ve seen. You can do better, and you’re sloppy, ill-conceived tweets are letting down your pure-blooded brethren, leaving white hoods shaking in disappointment all over social media this morning.

So I promise that by following these constructive tips you’ll be a much better racist on Twitter, making your whole homogenous family proud (including your cousin who is also your sister.)

Here are 30 tips to being a better racist on Twitter:

1. Tweeting “Go back to (insert country name here)” doesn’t really work when your family came over to this country in recent history, too. Unless you’re Native American, maybe leave that one alone.

2. Don’t use cute emoticons when posting racist tweets – it just sends mixed messages, like smiley faces and napalm.

3. Try to be original when using stereotypes in your tweets. For instance, India = 7-11, or India = dot head is a little played out. Maybe try a Slum Dog Millionaire reference? Or that comedian from Parks and Recreation is pretty funny?

4. Twitter only allows 140 characters, so just type “#White” instead of “#Merican,” because that’s what you really mean. Saving those 2 characters will help you get RT’s.

5. Tweeting that it’s dishonorable to anoint an Indian-American Miss America so close to 9-11 is absolutely correct, but only because if we waited a month the pageant could be held on Columbus Day – a REAL ‘Merican hero!

6. America is a continent, not a country – in fact it has two continents! Did you know there is a North America and a South America!? That’s right, so what you really mean is “The United States.” But to stick with the ‘Merica theme, we can start calling it: ’Nited States.

7. A quick history lesson. It went like this: the land we now know as the ‘Nited States was first home to Native Americans, Vikings, Eskimos, English, French, Spanish, Mexicans, and Pacific Islanders in recent history, and then we came and started squatting. But let’s ignore all of that and just pretend we sprouted directly from this soil.

8. If you’re called out for posting racist tweets, don’t ever apologize. Ever. And if you do, make sure you’re not sincere and certainly don’t learn anything from it.

9. We’re having some geographic confusion, so please refer to a world map. Note that India is not in Egypt, over 2,000 miles from Iraq, and has nothing at all to do with Indiana.

10. Indians are not terrorists. In fact, they are always on “our” side. You probably got them confused with those OTHER brown people, who make up about 90% of the world.

11. Al Qaeda is not a country. And there is no “u” after the “q.” I know, I know…they’re backwards.

12. White people, please stop laying out in the sun and going to tanning booths. It’s confusing the hell out of me.

13. I completely agree that Indian dancing has no place in our modern ‘Nited States. We need more authentic Caucasian dances to class it up a bit, like Miley Cyrus twerking.

14. “They” are not taking our jobs. You have a crappy job because you didn’t pay attention in school and you’re lazy. So if you want a better job, go out and earn it the old fashion way: by murdering and exploiting less powerful brown people for material gain.

15. Did you know there are #White people in other countries around the world, like Russia, Canada, and even South Africa? That will make it extremely confusing when a white Russian American, for example, wins the Miss America pageant, rendering all of our “anti-‘Merican” slander useless. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

16. When you call Asian people “PF Changs,” please keep in mind that it’s all white people eating there. Those lettuce wraps are delicious!

17. The majority religion in India is Hinduism, not Muslim, but either way we don’t want “them” in our country, so let’s all pray for an end to religious freedom.

18. These damn incompetent, un American, immigrant, ethnic politicians are going to be the end of this country! So please continue the outrage not to reelect Arnold Schwarzenegger.

19. The ‘Nited States does not have an official language, but don’t let that stop you from tweeting that everyone who lives here needs to speak English.

20. A tweet like “A brown-skinned Miss America?!!! What’s next – people marrying three goats?!” might be a little bit of a leap. Try to throw a gay marriage reference in there as a stepping stone, so we can better follow your logic.

21. Racists – you’re spending so much time tweeting about the damn Indian Arab terrorists, that you’ve completely forgotten about razzing the Jews, blacks, ‘MoSexuals, handicapped people, Japs, Democrats, draft dodgers, environmentalists, and people who drive hybrid cards. Spread the hate a little – there’s plenty to go around.

22. Try not to tweet about homosexuals ruining our country and then go home and watch lesbian porn. It still counts, even though it’s women.

23. When someone accuses you of being a bigot, saying “But some of my best friends are brown-skinned Miss America contestants,” doesn’t really work.

24. Black people and women – it’s especially awesome when you send racist tweets since you’re not that far from being on the receiving end of horrible discrimination, yourselves! Well done!

25. Please use proper English when composing hateful tweets. For instance, “Dese people don’t even speaks English #WTF #FML #OMG #GoBackToYourMommasCuntry,” needs to go through the spell check at least once.

A top union leader is warning that the deal struck to raise the nation’s debt limit with lead to job losses. Gerry McEntee, president of the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees (AFSCME), called the compromise the House passed yesterday “economic malpractice” that “will slow economic recovery and impose more joblessness, wage cuts and hardship on America’s working families.”

Labor market experts don’t expect the debt deal to jumpstart hiring, fearing instead that trillions of dollars in spending cuts may actually slow economic growth. Said one expert: “I would say this will have little effect if any (on hiring). … At the end of the day, demand trumps all, and right now demand is sluggish.”

In an interview with CBS News last night, House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said he got “98 percent” of what he wanted in the debt deal passed yesterday. “I’m pretty happy,” he said.

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin said the U.S. is “living like parasites on the global economy” and decried dominance of the dollar in a speech to a pro-Kremlin youth group Monday. Russia holds large amounts of U.S. bonds, and Putin hinted that he had watched debt negotiations closely: “If over there there is a systemic malfunction, this will affect everyone.”

For the second time in a month, a federal judge has temporarily blocked Kansas’s law defunding Planned Parenthood and ordered the state to start distributing funds to the clinic. U.S. District Judge J. Thomas Marten issued the preliminary injunction of the law because its purpose was clearly “to single out, punish and exclude Planned Parenthood.”

The 11-day shutdown of the FAA that has forced safety inspectors to work without pay will likely last through August as the House recessed yesterday for five weeks without reauthorizing the agency. The partial shutdown has furloughed 4,000 workers and will reportedly cost taxpayers $1 billion unless action is taken this week.

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s forces killed more than 100 people across the countrySunday and, according to human rights activists, 24 more on Monday, the first day of Ramadan. President Obama slammed Assad’s use of “torture, corruption and terror” against his own people and said the regime would be “left in the past.”

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Admiral Mike Mullen is urging a quick decision from Iraqi leaders about whether they want U.S. troops to stay in the country past Dec. 31. Mullen is alsorequesting immunity for U.S. troops in the country.

As Somalia suffers one of world’s worst famines in recent memory, the Shabab Islamist insurgent group “is blocking starving people from fleeing the country and setting up a cantonment camp where it is imprisoning displaced people who were trying to escape Shabab territory,” the New York Times reports. The group is “widely blamed” for exacerbating the famine by forcing out Western aid organizations.

And finally: Iron-pumper, actor, terminator, governornator, philanderer: Arnold Schwarzenegger has another feather to place in his cap after his hometown of Thal, Austria opened a museum devoted to Schwarzenegger this week. Schwarzenegger was not on hand for the opening, but will make a “future trip for an official ceremony.”

Former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has acknowledged that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff, a revelation that apparently prompted wife Maria Shriver to leave the couple’s home before they announced their separation last week.

Schwarzenegger and Shriver jointly announced May 9 that they were splitting up after 25 years of marriage. Yet, Shriver moved out of the family’s Brentwood mansion earlier in the year after Schwarzenegger acknowledged the child is his, The Los Angeles Times reported Tuesday.

“After leaving the governor’s office I told my wife about this event, which occurred over a decade ago,” Schwarzenegger told the Times in a statement that also was sent to The Associated Press early Tuesday. “I understand and deserve the feelings of anger and disappointment among my friends and family. There are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused. I have apologized to Maria, my children and my family. I am truly sorry.

“I ask that the media respect my wife and children through this extremely difficult time,” the statement concluded. “While I deserve your attention and criticism, my family does not.”

Schwarzenegger’s representatives did not comment further. A spokesman for the former first lady told the Times she had no comment.

“My old number — before Michael Jordan, by the way.” – President Barack Obama, upon receiving a jersey with the number 23 on it from the Air Force Academy football team.

“When I stand in front of the mirror and really look, I wonder: What the f*** happened here? Jesus Christ. What a beating!” – Former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, explaining the aging process.

“Everyone’s God and if we don’t wake up to that there’s going to be no weather because our polar caps are melting because we’re doing bad things to the atmosphere.” – Convicted serial killer Charles Manson, doing his part to curb climate change.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I am prepared to take the oath: I am not now, and never have been, a wearer of Gucci shoes. I have never tried a pair on. I have never been alone in the same room with a Gucci shoe.”

“Malia doesn’t know this yet, but she’s going to be doing her own laundry.” – First lady Michelle Obama, revealing some White House secrets to Gayle King.

“I’m just hangin’ out, man.” – Vice President Joe Biden, talking to a Cleveland local during a visit to Slyman’s Restaurant, according to a pool report.

“Yeah, it’s true, they’re wanting grandkids, but they’ll have to wait a little bit. Right now they only have two grandcats. I have a cat and my sister has a cat, so that’s all they can brag about.” – Jenna Bush Hager, disappointing the former president and first lady.

“I never get tired. I can’t.” – Rep. Rosa DeLauro, explaining how she’s able to put time into her cooking despite a busy workload.

“This article was amended on 19 April 2011. The original referred to the Senator Jesse Helms as Jesse James. This has been corrected.” – A correction that appeared in the Guardian.

Arnold Schwarzenegger steps down as California “Governator” Monday, defending his record to the last — and keeping fans and others guessing about his next move.

After seven years at the helm of the Golden State, the former champion body builder turned “Terminator” movie megastar and businessman is leaving his adopted home mired in huge financial woes.

But in a newspaper interview to mark his handover of power to Democrat Jerry Brown — two months after November 2 polls — Arnie stood by all his decisions.

“The important thing with my job that I’ve had for the last seven years is, you have to have passion… You can’t be afraid,” he told the Los Angeles Times newspaper.

“You have to recognize very quickly that political risk-taking is not political suicide.”

While he impressed many with his transformation into a liberal Republican and green champion who won reelection in 2006, his poll ratings slid in recent years, in line with California’s dire economic fortunes. More…

But that’s not likely in the foreseeable future. Any amendment to the Constitution must be approved by two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, and then be ratified by three-fourths of state legislatures.