July 28, 2010

After all what has any orange, whole or halved, to do with
emotional abuse?

Not a lot.

But think book titles, specifically: “Meeting Your Half-Orange”, by Amy Spencer. The half-orange is a translation of the Spanish phrasemi
media naranja, which means “my
half-orange”; use to describe, in love, one’s sweetheart, one’s beautifully
perfect other half.

Now, what’s a book about
meeting your half-orange, from Dating Optimist Amy Spencer, possibly got to do with
where you are now in your life?

The fact that you are
reading this blog tends to suggest that you have been struggling to transform
the very sour half-lemon in your life into a half-orange, and failing
miserably.

It’s not surprising.And it’s not your fault.

For two reasons.First, as you already know to your cost, there
are no magic wands; and lemons don’t turn into oranges.Second, ‘your’ half-lemon is very happy to
be a half-lemon; he enjoys being so sour as to be thoroughly unpleasant.

You want sweetness in
your life; all he ever offers you is sourness.Because that is all he wants you to have.

(Of course, there were
the few good times at the start of the relationship, but those were just to
grab your attention and get you hooked on him.)

Dating is probably the
last thing on your mind right now.And rightly
so.You have every reason to fear
meeting another half-lemon – until you can grasp all that is fantastic and
valuable about you.

“Meeting Your Half-Orange”
has a great message for you.The
message is about who you need to be – and can be – in order to have a happy
life.Amy Spencer argues that in order
to meet a great partner, you need to be the vibrant, fantastic person that you
really are.

Now, I have a fair idea
of the kind of things your abusive half-lemon has said about you. (My half-lemon said the same things, give or take a bit, to me.) They weren’t complimentary.And they are certainly not true.It’s just a fact that a sour person will say
sour things – that’s an integral part of his job description.(And how he loves that job
description!)

You don’t need to think
about dating, to start to upgrade the view you have of yourself. Amy Spencer provides you with some great tools
to discover how fantastic you really are.

Your abusive partner had
a vested interest in turning you into the shadow of a person.That is what it takes for him to feel
worthwhile and important.But you don’t
have to go there.

Let go of his vision of
you.

Reclaim who you are.Amy Spencer
can give you some fantastic pointers to do just that.

Whether or not you are
ever going to want to meet your half-orange, you owe it to yourself to become
the sweet, juicy, perfectly lovable person you truly are.

July 27, 2010

I just had to read Lori
Gottlieb’s “Mr Good Enough”. From what the press had said about it, before it was published, it sounded
like a book I would loathe. In reality, I do not.

The title may sound controversial, but the book is very valuable. It has the kind of message that you may, initially, want to argue with - or, at least, I did. But then I found myself increasingly convinced and impressed by it.

Yes, there is a note of self-pity
in the book, but Gottlieb incorporates a number of useful observations from
relationship experts.

She notes that having common
interests is far less valuable than sharing values and aspirations about the
kind of life you want to create together.

What struck me most powerfully was
one expert she quotes who says that the qualities, in a man, that bode
well for a long and happy marriage are selflessness and
humility.

Contrast selflessness and humility
for a moment, if you will, with the characteristics your abusive partner brought
to the table.

We both know that there was plenty
of selflessness and humility in your relationship.

And we both know that it was all
very one-sided; your side.

Quite possibly, like a woman I was
working with today, you had not considered that selflessness and humility could
be masculine qualities also.

Why not?

When I mentioned to my client that
masculine selflessness and humility are qualities that nurture a loving,
enduring relationship, at first, she struggled to grasp that idea. Then she
said, referring to my last ezine: “Like the man who went out of his way to bring
his wife a latte?”

Precisely so.

By now, you may be wondering how
masculine selflessness and humility can nurture a wonderful relationship, when
your selflessness and humility never managed it.

The answer has two distinct
strands to it. First, Gottlieb describes a world of functional men and
picky, more or less functional women.

You, and I, were decidedly
less picky than we might have been. Also, we did not find a partner in
that world, but in the zoo, at the edge of that world. Second, selflessness and
humility do not have to indicate a lack of critical faculties, as they did in
your case and mine.

I am all in favour of selflessness
and humility. In fact, I am at least as much in favour of being the recipient
of selflessness and humility as I am in favour of bestowing it on others. When
selflessness and humility are reciprocal and spontaneous they are truly
wonderful things.

And, there again, reciprocity
(like spontaneity) is predictably absent from the skewed world of abusive
relationships.

But how, you might ask, is it
possible to be selfless and humble without turning into a doormat?

Humility and selflessness are
precious gifts to bring to a relationship. They are also gifts that
have to be earned; gifts that are only to be bestowed on people who have
proved that they are worthy of them.

Your abusive partner proved, time
and time again, that he was not worthy of the gifts you brought to the
relationship. Yet, you continued to lavish them on him. And, in his hands,
they turned to dross. (But then, most things turned to dross in his
hands.)

Gottlieb suggests that single
women in their 30s and 40s have set the bar too high. My guess is that her
thesis is very much coloured by her own experience; not that it really matters
here.

What I would argue is that abused
women have two bars: one that you set way too high for yourself; and another
that you set way too low for a partner.

The fact that you are reading this
now means that you have served your time and your days of struggling with high
bars are over.