Monday, March 22, 2010

Jealousy....

I never thought of myself as a "jealous" person at heart but in some ways I am. It's not my favorite character trait by any means but one none the less that came up this morning. I was talking to my dad who had just spent the weekend at my older brother's house and he was telling me about all the people they had seen, how they all look so good, all the weight they had taken off etc.....and I just wanted to scream! I wanted to yell: "Really that's just fricken fabulous! I am so glad that while I'm digging through the piles of my personal shit everyone is loosing weight and looking great! It just reminds me of how far behind I am in everything!!!" Now this has nothing to do with my dad, he was just delivering the facts but I found out something about myself that I don't like. I'm competitive. I want to be the one loosing the weight, looking great. And besides why isn't anyone telling me they are loosing weight, is it some conspiracy, so they can just show up and the chubby alcoholic gets the big surprise?! There it is - I'm jealous. I want this to be all about me. I'm sitting on my fur lined pity pot and I don't want to get off it! It never dawned on me that I would find out things about myself that I didn't like. This is a big one. Petty, petty, petty! That's me. Once I could deflate my ego a bit, and put it into perspective I knew what was bothering me. I want results and I want it now. I would much rather be in the "sometimes quickly" group than the "sometimes slowly" one. But I would miss the journey. What I am today is frustrated, and noncompliant. I was much more patient even last week than I have been for the past few days. I need to realign my thinking, adjust the sails, get to a meeting and get rid of this yuky thinking. My weight didn't pack on overnight, my alcoholism didn't just show up in a day. I need to be realistic about the journey. I guess there are just times when you see someone who has made it through, and has the serenity, has great things happening to them and you just want to be in that spot too. I have good things happening to me, I have change occuring but the one thing I'm really, really bad at is waiting. This impatience has cost me a lot in many areas of my life. I need to lasso it in and put it somewhere it can't get to me. I need to stop repeating the same mistakes over and over expecting different results. I need to stand back and take a deep breath........just be cool and quiet....and wait my turn......

2 comments:

I had to smile at this post. My sponsor likes to tell me when I whine about something that I'm sitting in a warm pile of crap and all will be okay until I start to move around and then it smells. I have decided that I don't like the warm pile and would rather get up and get going towards action. It's a good feeling.

About this blog

“The Lord is with you when you are with Him. If you seek Him, He will be found by you, but if you forsake Him, He will forsake you….Be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.” 2 Chron. 15:2,7

About Me

At 43 I'm done. Done with the excuses of why I can't loose weight. Done with liking myself yet hating to pass in front of a mirror. Out of shape, nutritionally bankrupt, and desperately seeking weight control sanity. Blogging helped me stay sober, and hopefully it will help me shut my mouth....