Bigfoot To Leave California

Bigfoot, the eight foot primate from the California mountains, has announced that he is leaving the state for "more normal, greener pastures." In a press conference at the Redwood National Forest Ranger Station, the creature previously believed to be only mythical made the following statement:

"My family has been in this area for over 3000 years, and everything was fine for a long time. The past 30 years, however, have seen just too many changes."

"I'm used to walking through the woods and coming across a couple making out or having intercourse on their picnic blanket. In the past, it was always a male and a female. I'd scream, they'd run, and I'd get a nice lunch and we'd have some new clothes and blankets."

"Lately, it's always either two guys (which is just sick) or two girls. My wife and daughters don't like those butch things that Lesbians wear and these people never have food or blankets. The gays always want to be "natural" in the grass. Most of them don't know nature and end up doing it in poison ivy, but that's another story."

Anyway, with Tom Hanks on his gay marriage crusade and trying to run more normal people out of the woods and fill it up with nothing but fags, we've got to get out of here."

"We're moving to a state where we know that a man feels comfortable sneaking a girl into the woods and boinking her brains out. We're moving to a state where they still beat up fudge packers outside of gay bars."

The Bigfoot family announced that they are moving to Utah.

Make Jalapenoman's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

More fake news stories

Following a tireless debate last night, congress has begun work drafting a new bill that seeks to stop white men from kicking the back of a goddamn coon's head and shattering his teeth whilst proclaiming the sanctity of the white bloodline.
The bi...

BILLINGSGATE POST: In a stunning development, Chief Justice John Roberts changed his name to Caitlyn Roberts, thereby joining Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan as custodians of keys to the women's restroom of the Supreme C...

Washington - The President of the United Snakes of America and a Brit Reality TV con artist famous for faking the Beeb's wildlife documentaries have appeared in a televised White House junk science rant.
Barack Obama and ageing UK naturalist (sic...

Washington, DC - Disgraced NAACP leader, Rachel Dolezal, who was fired last month for being a secret whitey, didn't take long to get her life heading in a newish direction. It turns out that she quickly found an equally-minded friend in John Boehner,...

Washington, D.C - How do you cap off a Democratic Presidency that seems to have gotten almost nothing done for nearly eight long years? Well, a good way to start is to gather all the whack job liberals you can find after a really gruesome, racially m...

Malone, NY - New York Police shot and killed one of the two escaped murderers from the Clinton Correctional Facility, Richard Matt, on Friday, only a few miles from the Canadian border - which would have surely been the end of the trail for all polic...

No longer willing to ignore the stark reality of environmental degradation, global poverty, and deteriorating human health, pessimistic beverage packing company Canned Dreams, Inc., recently announced the launch of a new product line, known as the al...

In a clever political maneuver all 32 republican presidential prospects agreed to consolidate their collective power and run as one single multi-personality candidate.
The new strategy is the brainchild of Carl Rove who said it was necessary to a...