Captain Jack Sparrow Distances Himself From Controversial Johnny Depp Character

Lovable, roguish alcoholic pirate Captain Jack Sparrow has become increasingly embarrassed by the actions of his unlovable, roguish alcoholic real-life persona Johnny Depp, announcing that these days the two men have very little to do with each other.

‘Yes well I’m usually – sort of – rum and ships and thrilling hijinks on the high seas and such-like, not really involved with all that marriage…awards shows…inelegantly ageing violent Hollywood star sort of thing. Doesn’t really float my boat if you catch my drift, love, I only ever objectified women in a sort of playful, mutually consensual way that is tacitly acceptable in a Disney film, and I think Johnny’s really rather gone too far’ Sparrow said yesterday in a public statement.

‘Johnny and I were very close for a while, but people change, and while I am still indeed the right honourable Captain Jack Sparrow at yer service thank you very much, he seems to have er, somewhat lost the magic. Metaphorically walked the plank and dropped into the deep blue sea, if you will.’

‘You’d sooner catch me in the pit of Davey Jones’ locker than beating my missus or making a half-assed Youtube apology to Australia, let alone accepting a role in The Tourist’, Sparrow concluded.