"A strange turtle-like creature has been sighted off York University's Keele campus. While it swims like a shrimp in media friendly waters, it is in fact a reactionary discourse that lowers the academic standards and collegiality in our university community." This startling observation is the work of CUPE 3903's internationally acclaimed Network of Centres of Excellence, the York Is Us Research Institute. Canadian tenuous-stream professors Joan of York, Bart Darkman, Eileen Left, Zero Hero, Caree Routsider, Professor Basta, Rebecca Two Bucks, and Professor Marginati, with a team of graduate assistants and technical experts have spent the last two and a half months recording and analyzing the resurgence and reproduction of a dangerous discourse that has surfaced in response to events at York University in Toronto, Canada.

The groundbreaking research followed the efforts of a small group of full-time faculty to urge York University Faculty Association (YUFA) Executive to muzzle YUFA members who supported the concerns of their striking colleagues and graduate students. The researchers first reported the emergence of this reactionary discourse with professor Bernie Lightman's December 8, 2008 petition, which, while taking a clear position with regards to CUPE proposals, attempted to cloak itself as "dignified neutrality." (1) Only 11% of YUFA's 1,450 members signed the petition, demonstrating that the majority recognized the petition's specious rationale. However, with its extreme partisanship duly exposed by the York Is Us Research Institute in 2 successive publications, (2) the reactionary discourse gathered greater resolve over the holidays and strengthened its ties with the York Administration.

When they analyzed the documents circulated between January 12 and 14, 2009 (Appendices 1-4) closely, researchers came to the conclusion that this discourse is a scholarly sham, insofar as it is characterized by the complete absence of the necessary signs of scholarly standards, such as sound arguments, emotional distance and factual accuracy. The discourse's dismissal of academic standards was compounded by a lack of collegial respect. "What may seem basic to most members of the university community provokes highly subjective reactions amongst those who signed the Lightman petitions," note Joan of York et. al. "Notwithstanding the well-established fact that most reactionary discourses are dumb, this particular discourse functions as an exemplary specimen of the corporate brownnosing disease that has been gripping universities across Ontario and North-America for two decade now, leading to a radical lowering of academic standards and endangering the future of our institutions of higher education."

Led by distinguished Tenuous Canada Research Chair Joan of York, Department of Justice and Inspiration, and using advanced data mapping technologies, the research team analyzed the findings in terms of salary, department, repeat signees from the petition 1, and gender. In all, the researchers believe they can now prove that amongst the 19% of the academics who blunder, fail academically, and engage in reactionary discourse and bullying practices, the likelihood of public hogwash is in direct relationship to income and salary increase levels. The York Is Us Research Institute's summary of important findings on this homegrown reactionary discourse follows.

Members of York Is Us Research Institute include:

Dr. Bart Darkman, Division of Fantastic Consciousness

Joan of York, Tenuous Canada Research Chair, Department of Justice and Inspiration

Caree Routsider, Graduate Director, Division of Public Arts and Political Interests, Alternative Universe City

Eileen Left, Dept. of Insurgent Studies, University of Strike-On-Main

Rebecca Two Bucks, TEL Research Fellow, Department of Ghostly Scholarship and Ephemeral Communication

Zero Hero, Guerrilla Professor, Faculty of Anything, University of Anywhere-Within-Two-Hours-By-Public-Transit