Monday, November 2, 2015

Yay you guys! The winner of the trashiest of all Halloween costume was actually a tie and somehow that warms my heart! As it turns out, Sexy Ronald McDonald AND Sexy Rosie the Riveter are equally as offensive, so Lauren and Anna, email me at nomoremomjeans (at) gmail to claim your prizes!

My Halloween was awesome, but only because this is what my daughter decided to be:

(Maximize the screen for maximum awesomeness.) She's 9, people. And her life dream is to become a paleontologist and when she this costume, it was over. I was forced to shell out $50 and constantly inflate her all day long to get this to work.

Not gonna lie, that Halloween felt like it lasted longer than Christmas and I'm glad October is over.

Also, because I'm into multitasking, here are outfit details for the month of October. MAN AM I EFFICIENT.

I went shopping with friends and all four of us bought this sweatshirt moto jacket. It was honestly like $17 and it's fantastic for when you want to look a little put-together but also not super fancy. Also, it's SWEATSHIRT material.

Okay, sometimes I don't do my hair. So sue me. A big, fat bun and a hairband is my go-to when I don't feel like doing anything, ever. This outfit was for a Wednesday, when I had to be to a couple of meetings and also at my kids' school. It was a pretty solid balance. I bought the shirt and vest at the same time but didn't plan on wearing them together until I noticed how much I loved the plaid on plaid thing, therefore encouraging all Canadian lumberjack stereotypes.

I had planned to wear a completely different outfit this day but it didn't work. And when outfits don't work, you throw on a dress and jacket and call it good. Also, I wanted these shoes foreeeeeeeeever and finally got them and now I can't stop wearing them!

Shoes: Calvin Klein (here, mine are a dark burgundy and they will look sooo good with jeans.)

I'm not normally very matchy matchy, but I couldn't resist when I realized that I had a top and a pair of shoes in the same super-bright orangey-red. Ehhh one time won't hurt anything. Let's just not make it a habit.

Shirt: Calvin Klein (here) I officially own one million of these shirts.

I believe this day was errand-ing and it was probably the most glorious fall day of all time. Naturally, I wanted to drive around with the sunroof down so I had to wear a hat. Also because my hair was messy but we don't need to talk about that shhhh.

Friday, January 9, 2015

I'm in the middle of the great desktop switch-over of 2015, so I'm a little discombobulated today. I really, really rely on my computer, so when it's out of commission I don't know what to do with myself. I'm on my laptop right now, which I almost never use, so there's also a high chance of typos.

I'm off to a workout and then burgers after this. Because I have amazing friends who understand the importance of exercise, but also share my love of meat. So I'm hurrying because I can't afford to miss either of those options.

One of my brothers spent the holidays in Japan and sent me many delightful pictures of lost-in-translation products there. I feel like the "NEW" on these boots is like that. Like, someone was like "Can you make some new boots" and a person who didn't really understand nodded and was like "Oh, totally."

I would like to point out that this top has a casual cape on the back. Like, you'd wear this button up to a PTA meeting and then charge out like you could fly. Also, the half-gloves aren't really helping the whole superhero situation.

Just for future reference, I literally never want to see this much thigh meat. On anyone.

This was called the "Ladder to Success" dress, which looks suspiciously like my "Sleeping My Way to the Top" outfit.

CULOTTES. Like all of us had as children. But worn with a bustier. ON AN ADULT PERSON.

Out of your league: As most women who wear mesh and leather tutus are.

I was shoe shopping yesterday, because that's a thing I do, and these were posted under "Boots." Really? Because I feel like these are a highly bastardized version of something that a boot was at one point. Like the designer just kept going in a psychotic frenzy until he collapsed into his chair, closed his eyes and proclaimed "It is done."

I dare you to name one situation in which see-through pants are appropriate.

Oh hey, Pocahontas. Looking for John?

PS I just listened to a very interesting interview (I subscribe to the BBC History Extra podcast I know how lame I sound) and the historian was saying that John Smith always went on and on about how Pocahontas "saved his life," when really, he was subject to a "rebirth" ceremony, where he was welcomed into the tribe by the chief pretending to kill him, and the daughter of the chief ceremoniously saving his life as a new member of the tribe.

Also, John Smith was a known exaggerator and no one really liked him.

SO TAKE THAT, Disney and Mel Gibson.

Not only are these pants elasticized and acid wash, they also manage to make the legs look three inches long. That's a trifecta if I've ever heard of one.

Friday, January 2, 2015

I feel like I haven't done a Freaky Friday in forever. Probably because I haven't. Also, thanks for all the kind responses on the Resolutions post. It's always crazy to me how much I have in common with you guys. But I guess that makes sense, when I'm talking to women who read a blog specifically called "How Not to Dress Like a Mom," right?

Buy this leg pack as a way to keep your credit cards safe at Disneyland but also to fulfill the dreams of young nerds everywhere.

I love how this sweater makes it look like Oprah has elaborate curly pigtails. Also, it reminds me of this gif my brother sent me, which currently holds the top spot for best gif of all time, as voted by myself:

Whilst celebrating New Year's Eve the other day, I saw like, a 14-year-old girl wearing a "Thug Life" shirt and I was like oh, you poor little white girl from Provo, why are you doing this?

This shirt, however, would be totally appropriate here.

This was listed as a European style. Any Euro readers out there? I have a brother living in England and he hasn't told me about the rampant housecoat-over-Daisy Dukes trend yet. Please confirm/deny.

Where does one wear a stylish scarecrow cardigan? Rave at the Emerald City? HAHAHA I kill myself.

Um, ma'am? It seems as though your hips have sprouted a pony hair mane.

Speaking of which, I don't wanna judge anyone's grooming habits, but you may want to put "waxing appointment" at the top of your to-do list.

I like this look. I'll call it sweaterdiaperskinnyleg.

A viewing window for your leg meat, at last!

Alright, it's back to work for me. Fun fact about being a marketing writer: Every client does their marketing budget for the year in January, which means I have like, seven clients who are all like "YAY we're rich again can you write 9,000 words of copy now?" I've been up since 6 plugging away with no end in sight. This was my break. Pray for me. Or take on some of my overflow. Whatever works best.

Friday, December 5, 2014

I've got family in town, so I'm reposting. Please forgive me. Let's pretend it's still funny a year later?

The more I look this picture, the more I laugh. It's not so much the sweater, but the "I have no idea what I'm doing" look on Rudolph's face.

Ugh, who even started the whole "Team" thing? You don't need to be on any team. It's the holidays. Can't we all just get along?

How can a festive sweatsuit make me feel so sad inside?

PS I can't see the bottom of these pants but I just KNOW there's elasticized cuffs.

Oh... OK, that's cool.

.....

This is my favorite festive sweater of ALL TIME. Look at those happy dreidels! They're all like "You don't have to celebrate Christmas to have a good time" and I'm like "You're right I totally want in on this Hanukkah thing!"

I love these mopey teenager "Things I love" pictures. They are so freakin' specific. Wearing sweaters around the house? Are we just naming things we do every day that aren't special at all?

"Paying bills."

"Waiting in line at the grocery store."

"Pumping gas."

"Breathing."

Wow. So true.

Aw, look! You get loneliness for Christmas!

That's one way to spread Christmas cheer.

OK, the cat's paws look like saggy boobs and now I can't unsee it. It's like how my husband says that Sara Bareilles song "Brave" sounds like it's saying "I wanna see you pee-pee" and I can't unhear it EVER.

Feeling festive? Do some pattern mixing, wear your husband's socks and then look reeeeeally unimpressed and you can spend Christmas alone.

From the "Every 2nd grade teacher ever" collection.

Speaking of which, the other day my little brother was sending me pictures of my first grade report cards and they said things like "Jacqueline is an excellent galloper" and "She reads from the dictionary and wrote a story about blisters."

I was a really cool kid is what I am saying.

Let's finish strong and not forget that leaving out cookies is like, soooo mainstream. If you really want to impress him, leave some indie music on the record player and Santa might leave you a corded phone and some bangs.

Friday, November 21, 2014

You guys: I went to a midnight showing of Hunger Games with some friends last night and I am like, mom hungover today. Luckily I just have everything to do so I can't even have a nap. My daughter's school is having a big program today and she was so excited she was up at 6 am sounding like Buddy the Elf and pinging off the walls.

I'm just sitting here nursing a Crystal Light and talking in a man voice. I'm too old for this stuff. Also, the movie was good, although I felt like it was a little slow and then jammed every piece of action into the last five minutes and I was overwhelmed and regretted the Cherry Coke I drank because I was super twitchy when I got home and tried to go to sleep. Now that is an excellent movie review if I ever heard one.

Also, there was a preview for a Gwyneth Paltrow movie and I felt like the universe was punishing me for being annoyed at her gold juicer.

On to Freaky Friday!

Where exactly does one wear a gauze, see-though, floor-length, sleeveless duster? That is too many descriptive words for one garment.

Tansy sent a snap of these to prove that we're just like, not even trying anymore.

Also, I know this is from H&M because I shop there on the reg, but isn't it like, a store for 20-somethings? What person of that age is like "Oh yeah, I so want to look like a census demographic I AM NOT."

Thanks for sending this shoe, Julie. I'll wear it the next time I'm playing a game of pickup basketball in the woods.

Brenda sent this dress, which is Yoko Ono levels of WTH.

YEAH I SAID IT Yoko Ono is crazy. Come at me, weird commenters!

Can I just say I reaaaaaaally dislike when people wear shorts over tights? Especially in the winter? You put those shorts away like a normal human being. Pants are punishment for living in cold climates.

But then you go too far in the other direction and end up looking like a faaaaabulous Jon Snow.

This 80s sweater owns my soul. I want to wear it with spandex and scrunchies all day while whispering secrets to my PJ Sparkles doll. (It was my only doll that survived the "My older brother just learned how to do graffiti and scrawled all over my dolls' faces" epidemic of 1989.)

So, when I was in elementary school, there was a teacher there (who I am almost positive was named Mr. Blakelock though my mind is a little fuzzy there) who grew a beard each year and then raffled off the rights to shave his face to the students in a lottery called Beardo 649. And it wasn't until I was much older that I realized that it's a little creepy to raffle off shaving rights.

Also, rumor was that he took the beard hair home and made it into pillows but I can neither confirm nor deny.

Anyway, I feel like he would have really enjoyed this face hat in the interim while growing out his beard for the next child face shaver.

I'm not making this any less weird, am I?

I'm sure the ruffle on this dress is really nice IRL but online it just looks like an unfortunately placed triangle and/or uterus diagram.

Aaaand with that said, I'm going to go jam a full day's work into two hours and pack for a weekend at the cabin and somehow carve out a few hours to go watch the back of someone's phone as they film their child DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF MY FACE.

Friday, October 24, 2014

So yesterday I ran out of dry shampoo, which is NOT ALLOWED because it's basically my number one staple of life after you know, water and bad reality TV. So I put my son in the car to drive down to the drugstore. Which I totally thought was Rite-Aid and then I saw the bag and I was like "I went to Walgreens today?" and was very confused.

So I grabbed my dry shampoo and maybe a nail polish and went to check out. Now, you should know that I am a sucker when it comes to signing up for cards and memberships and stuff at the cashier because I just can't say no. My husband makes fun of me because I will always just go along with giving my email, phone number and blood type to the person working at like, Bath and Body Works. I'm just a really passive person that way. I was thinking to think of a term for it... like non-shy introvert or something? I just want to agree with anything and get of there.

But yesterday, I was in a mood. I had promised myself a Diet Coke + Vanilla + Cream (ughhhhh so good) and I wanted to get out of Rite-Aid/Walgreens fast. So, when the lady asked if I wanted to join their "Exchange Your Soul for Shampoo Points" card, I actually grew a pair and said something.

And I did. I totally had a huge bug in my hair while I was giving the drugstore cashier attitude. And then I felt like, super stupid. Because as much as I would have liked to hop on my high consumer horse and ridden away, I felt like I had lost like, moral ground or something for having a bug in my hair.

Especially because she helped me get it out.

Me: How long does it take to sign up?Lady: Literally 30 seconds. Just enter your phone number here.
Me, entering phone number.
Lady: Oh, it looks like you already have a card with us!

So, shoot me in the face please. I then forgot to swipe my card and just stood there blankly when she gave me my total. Later, I ran out of the store saying things to Andrew like "Hurry up, buddy, we're late!" Because, you see, I had to perpetuate the lie that we were busy even though we were on our way to get Diet Coke.

And THAT is why we don't run out of dry shampoo, my friends. Because the line between having fresh, non-smelly hair and being humiliated by a drugstore cashier is awfully thin.

That was my Thursday. How was yours? Good? Good. Onto Freaky Friday.

I feel like people are really wanting jogger pants and heels to happen. It's not going to happen. If you want to wear lazy pants, own it and wear them with flip flops like EVERYONE ELSE.

Novelty jewelry is already for sale. And I already want to vomit.

My husband has this insane aunt that we see once a year and she's the queen of novelty Christmas clothes. And every year, she gives my mother-in-law (her sister) a Christmas vest, and every year, I end up Googling the brand so my MIL can return it.

Oh, these shorts are bad. Like, I give up forever bad.

Preach, Batty.

Oh, this? This is my casual Disney evil queen dress. I wear it to church on Mother's Day.

I don't know why, but this dress reminds me of that Paula Abdul video where her costar was an animated cat and they were like, involved somehow?

OMG, Cruella Deville made a tunic out of dalmatians AND girl scouts.

For when it's cold enough to wear a sweater, but you also want to remind people you're the kind of girl who dates MUCH older men.

Awkward keyhole placement FTW!!!

Oh, I'm just hanging out in my diaper shorts looking like a fancy watermelon AS YOU DO.

My kids are off school AGAIN today, and I can hear them rustling in the Count Chocula and that's my cereal. Mom stuff: Does it ever end?

Followers ♥

About Me ♥

Jae

Jae is trying to eradicate bad mom fashion, one pair of jeans at a time. What qualifies her to write about fashion? Um, nothing except that she is naturally judgmental and is probably judging you, right now.