2003/12/31

2003/12/30

Oh yes. It is mine, and it is good. I was playing with it yesterday, taking pictures of nothing and making short little movies -- with audio! -- of my friends. Life is good. :)

Shawn also redeemed himself as my friend by accompanying me on my quest for the camera, and having patience with my poor constitution, left over from my dread disease or something. I *will* force my body into accepting food, whether it likes it or not!

Once I get through my work day today, it's all fun and parties and socializing for a few days. I'm getting together with Jay (and a potential crew) tonight, then there's a party tomorrow night, then another party on Saturday, and I'm on vacation in between. Admittedly, I have a bunch of things I have to do, but aside from that, it's relaxing and trying to shake the remnants of the whatever I've had -- either a really wicked cold, the flu, or bronchitis (as diagnosed by my coworker yesterday).

Gord made a super-awesome dinner for a few of us last night, thrown together and invented out of I'm not sure what, but it was quite tasty. Love for Gord!

We also discussed all of us moving our sites to another kind of hosting that Gord's going to set up, and we've picked out our domain names for the sites. I'm not going to post mine here yet, 'cause the purchasing isn't complete (Gord's going to buy them from work today), but I've got some fun ones picked out, for sure. :) Plus, Ben is looking after scripts to move all of my old archives and comments to whatever new system I wind up using (I think they're pushing Blosxom at this point), so that's all good, too. :)

Today I get to run around and return things (well, hopefully return things), get my contacts, pay a bill (remember to pay it!), get my paycheque (to make up for all the money I spent yesterday), and attempt once again to contact my landlord to pay rent. Two months at a time, that's going to hurt. *sigh* Stupid landlord.

2003/12/29

2003/12/28

Well, I'd go over the last few days for you in detail, but there's not a whole lot to say. I spent most of it at the homestead; I moved out there on the 24th, in the evening, in time for dinner and hanging out. I drove over to D's place for awhile for opening of gifts and watching tv, and it was at that point that my cold moved from my chest into my nose.

Headed back home, went to bed around midnight or so, and slept pretty well. I woke up in the morning to being alternately poked and tapped with a cardboard tube left over from the wrapping paper. My mom mentioned she liked the noise, as she stood there and continued poking and thumping me with it. My family, ladies and gentlemen.

Opened the gifts, and as I said, I got a lot of smallish stuff. Some neat things, though; an antique tea set, a couple of board games, and so forth. D came over for a bit and we drove out to the drugstore in a bid to find a cold medication that would actually work for me, as the Dayquil/Nyquil combination was doing SFA. I decided on Buckley's, and that stuff tastes like melted Vicks Vapo-Rub. It seemed to work somewhat, especially when combined occasionally with the few Tylenol Cold pills I had -- have I mentioned that I foresee myself dying through an overdose of over-the-counter medications? Oh yes, I will.

Didn't do a whole heck of a lot on Christmas Day, really. Mom sent Kim and I to rent Bend it like Beckham after dinner, as I'd decided to stay the night again and they wanted Kim and I to see this movie. It was great fun; I missed a few things here and there through accent difficulties and general tiredness, but overall enjoyed it. After that one, we started in on Anything Goes, or whatever it's called (Jason Biggs, Christina Ricci), but it was a Woody Allen movie and none of us were particularly into it (understatement), so off it went.

Then it was time for the Buffy marathon. Woo! I watched it until 2 or 3 in the morning, then settled down on the couch with my trusty kitty by my legs (Digger is the best cat ever), and passed out until 11 or so, when my folks were more up and about. Spent most of the day alternately watching the marathon or doing various things about the house; I very much wasn't into shopping, and didn't really feel the need to do much of it, so it was a good balance.

After dinner my folks brought me downtown, and I started putting things away. D came over to give me my gifts and we set up the DVD player and watched X-Men 2, which he'd given me. After he left I farted around on the computer for awhile, then crashed.

Yesterday was more computer fartage during the day, then headed over to the nice dirty store with Ben and his sister for shopping fun. I picked up a couple of books and a new shower toy, which will be spending time in my soap dish. Fear not, Ben, I will not trip on it and kill myself in the shower -- his new nightmare, apparently. As I said to his sister, plenty of boys masturbate in the shower, why can't I? Exactly. :)

We saw his sister off on the bus, then hit the comic book shoppe (I need to see if they have a return policy), grabbed some dinner and compared notes on various locations about his house that we'd tagged (and it was pointed out to me once again that there is no location on the roof of the shopping centre that is without a video camera), and hit up the bookstore. I got the rest of D's gifts, and a few books for me, including Wee Free Men, then we came here to watch the first two episodes of season 6 of Buffy -- Ben wanted to know how it was they brought her back. :)

I stayed up way too late just farting around on my computer, had some really weird dreams this morning, and now here I am. There are still dishes to be washed (ah yes, another of my Christmas gifts -- another set of dishes, plus two platters and four more little plates on top of that. I need never do dishes again!), some more laundry to be folded, and I could probably stand to put other things away.

I'm still paying the price for a crap-ass diet the last few days, which is just ever so much fun, but it's getting better. One thing I've learned? If you have a wicked cold at the same time that you have your period, your body will spare you on the cramps and headaches that you usually get. So... I'd have rather had the cramps and headaches, to be honest. :P Mind you, instead I got to enjoy the horny. Weird having a cold and being horny. :P

Tried to take a picture of my current David and Goliath wear, but this shirt is bigger than the others, so the letters stretch further, and it's harder to do. Ah well, no love for you today. :)

Ben and I have also made facetious plans to run away to another city. As the year goes on, we'll see what happens. At this point, if I didn't have a lease and knew I could transfer, I'd do it. See, I told him he wasn't allowed to leave 'cause he's one of the cool people, and all the cool people have to stay in my city until I decide to leave it, and then he said that him telling me was his way of getting me on board to join him. Ben is cool people. I feel the love. :)

2003/12/27

Bleagh. This cold sucks. It came on hard and fast, and is staying around longer than I like; which would be about five minutes, maybe.

And in the "lessons I've learned that I'm passing along to you" file, here's another one: a diet made up primarily of cold syrup and other cold medications for 2-3 days straight is not the best of ideas. :P

In the world of my Christmas, things weren't too bad. I got a few things that aren't really me, per se, but since it's been years since I've actually given my folks a list, I can't complain too much.

My big present has been the DVD/MP3/CD player from my folks. It's such a relief to be able to watch DVDs in my living room, on the super-comfy couch. :)

Today is going to be a combination of finishing some tidying up around here, and doing some shopping. I didn't really have anything I wanted to buy, plus I felt like ass and a half, so I didn't do any boxing day shopping. I've also been waiting to see what D and Ben got me (don't I sound greedy?) so that I didn't buy what they got me. :) Mainly I plan to take my Christmas money and buy a digital camera, and some DVDs -- Buffy season 5, Sex and the City season 5 at the end of the month, and Pirates of the Caribbean. D got me X-Men 2, so I don't need to get that. :)

Anyhow, seeing as how it's late and I'm still in need of a shower and whatnot, I'm off. More updates later -- especially since I have another new sponsor (Why!?), so I should probably provide some actual content and all that here. :)

2003/12/24

Urgh. Being sick sucks. I've managed to twice cough so much as to give myself a headache, I have very little appetite, and my chest hurts from the coughing.

As the day's gone on, I've felt somewhat better, actually; my chest doesn't feel as achy, and I'm able to move some of the gross around inside of me. I've also spent most of today lightly sweating for no reason and dozing off here and there, which is nice.

I was going to put away laundry and stuff today, but I just haven't felt like it. Hell, it's 3 in the afternoon and I haven't yet showered. I'm lovely to behold! :)

In good news, though, my package from David and Goliath arrived, so I now have a great deal of t-shirts from which to choose. The underwear and t-shirt set arrived with *huge* undies, so I don't know if I'll ever wear those, but... ah well. Maybe I'll put them on Paws, my teddy bear. :)

I also have to find a gift bag and stuff for the gifts for my trainer; I got her dog some toys, and I want to package it up nicely. :)

For now, I think I'm off. I'm moving into the homestead for a few days, and then I'll be back here sometime after the holidays. Have a great Christmas, everyone.

2003/12/22

Throughout the course of today, I managed to develop a chest cold. I'm not terribly impressed, especially as it seems to be acting right on my gag reflex, making me feel at times like I'm going to throw up.

I've eaten very little today, which is also fun. However, I also now have Wednesday off, so that's kinda nice.

I'm still not sure how I feel, but I'm getting better. PMS makes everything awful, and I hate it. *sigh*

Also, to someone who hopefully will recognize himself in this: I read between the lines and I understand and respect that.

To Ben: I'm hoping that we're still on for tomorrow. I'm going to bug you with email unless you call me. :)

Okay, so Saturday night proved to me that I can't drink when I'm in a bad mood -- I wind up in a half-decent mood before I even start. Therefore, alcohol solves all of my problems!

I'm hoping my package made it to the UPS office today, so I can get out and pick it up. Otherwise, I'm not sure I'll have time tomorrow, what with my gym appoinment and all. *sigh*

Urgh. Okay, I don't have time to actually write anything now, especially as I'm not entirely sure what I want to say... so I'll maybe write from work. The next few days are going to be a little more painful than usual; I'm filling in for my coworker, so I work 6:30-2:00, and I know I didn't get much sleep last night. And it's going to be even more dead than usual. *sigh* At least we have our work party tomorrow, so that should be kinda fun.

2003/12/18

I love the Internet. It allows me to spend way too much money at stories in the U.S. before the stores in the city even open, and all from the comfort of my workstation.

I'm in love with David and Goliath products, and I just bought a bunch of shirts and other things there. I also bought a bunch of stuff from the company yesterday (although at an actual store or two, not online), and I feel kinda bad for all the money I spent, but at the same time -- their stuff makes me giggle, and that's not a bad thing. So there.

For example: my new pencil case in the shape of boys' underwear that says, "Sometimes I like to run arund in my underroos for no reason." This makes me giggle when I look at it. :) As does the "Stupid Factory: Where Boys Are Made" magnet, and my notepaper that says, "Boys are stupid: throw rocks at them." :)

Anyhow, when I get the shirts in, look for photos of me wearing them appearing on this site. Maybe this process can start soon, since one of the things I bought yesterday was a shirt.

Ah, consumerism. But things that make me giggle and that decorate my mebicle (pronounced me-bickle, as in, "I work in a cubicle, but I've personalized it to be a mebicle." The second-person version of this is the youbicle, as in, "I went to see you at your youbicle, but you were in the washroom.") are good. Not enough giggling and laughing lately. :P

Okay, time for work. At 8:30 a.m. Have I mentioned I've been here an hour and a half already? *sigh*

My coworker buddy and I might be taking a knitting course together. I learned today that D used to knit, and he's made scarves for people, and he was baking cookies today. Apparently he's just like my coworker's boyfriend -- as she puts it, a total soccer mom. I think I might steal her boyfriend. :P

Anyhow, time for bed. I finished my last Anita Blake book today, so I think I'll be starting Life of Pi soon, or something else equally lightweight. Hah.

As of an hour from now, only 7 days of Christmas rage remain. Although I'll likely be over the rage by the 23rd or so. Also, a happy birthday to Shawn tomorrow, and his party is on Saturday. Showlove.

2003/12/16

(Be warned, this one's long enough to fix the problems with my site from before -- apparently I wasn't posting enough to keep my site properly set up.) :)

Friday night I met Ben downtown after my workout, and after some birthday gift shopping for Mark, we nabbed a bus out to his place and chatted over the roar of its engine.

One of the things I suggested – and he backed me up on this – is that once a month or so, everyone should get one day to be completely, totally honest without anyone taking offense. This would mean that on my honest day, I could walk up to any of my friends, tell them my grievances, my thoughts, feelings, whatever, and they don’t get to be upset with me.

Of course, this privilege extends in the other direction - it’s only fair. No hurt feelings, and no grudges, and people et to get things off their chests.

We both thought this sounded like a good idea, and are interested in starting it up. Of course, we can’t really do it successfully if we’re the only ones participating, so some people may find themselves roped in. :)

At his place, we watched some Buffy (his discs, shut up) and scarfed some pizza, and relaxed. I started passing out before midnight, like someone had turned a switch inside of me, so I stretched out on the couch at his invitation and crashed about two seconds later.

Somewhere just before 8 that morning, someone (a parental figure, I assume) came downstairs to get things out of the pantry. They noticed I was on the couch and turned off the lights and closed the door when they left, which I thought was quite nice. I didn’t want anyone to know I was awake, because then I’d have felt somewhat obligated to get up and be alert, and I still wanted to sleep. As I was lying there, I was thinking to myself, “Wow, I can see through my eyelids!” because I could see the reflection of the entertainment unit and the television across the room. Then I realized, “No, I can see because my eyes are open!” and then I closed them, so it wouldn’t be obvious I was awake. Sometimes, sleeping with your eyes open is a real nuisance. :P

Yes, I really do.

Ah well... it’s been a fairly quiet little while, although it’s getting a bit busier now. I’ve barely spent any time on the computer at home, and even at work I’ve had the odd thing to do here and there, and I just haven’t really felt like sitting and updating. I haven’t even known what to write, so that’s been a bit of a pisser, too.

There’s been some confusion and uncertainty going on in the personal life arena, and I haven’t really known what to do about it. Even now, I’m at a loss. Basically, once again I’m finding myself wanting to just run away to someplace where I know absolutely no one and start afresh, with a whole new host of problems and confusion.

I feel somewhat anxious today, and I’ve felt this way since I woke up this morning. I have no real explanation for it; it just is. I’m also pretty zonked and wishing I could just lie down and sleep, but that’s business as usual for me.

I’m finding that, like my idea at the top suggests, I’m starting to incorporate honesty a bit more often into my dealings with people lately. Maybe not 100%, and it’s not exactly honesty of the negative sort, but it’s things like admitting that I really wanted to follow someone and kiss them, or that the situation I’m in with someone else is guaranteed to make me feel my most insecure – and I’ve told both of these people these things, so if you haven’t heard it, quash your hopes. :)

I’ve also recently had it shown to me that alcohol is a fantastic thing – it truly does affect some people in interesting ways. I’ve known someone who tried to quiz me while I was drunk, which amused me at the time ‘cause I knew exactly what was going on. After all, alcohol is also known as truth serum for some people, and there’s a small part of me that kinda hopes it’s true in some cases. I don’t think many people lie while drunk, or at least not lies that have to do with things like, “No really officer, I just had a sip of my boyfriend’s drink” or “No honey, I didn’t hire that woman in my car to have sex with me.” Of course, it’s also entertaining when the person doesn’t remember what it was they said to you... making me both more and less certain that what was said was the truth.

D arrived in town late Sunday night, and we got together yesterday after work. We headed over to his parents’ place for dinner, and I found his dad much more entertaining and much less scary this time around, and I don’t know why. I think I have some newfound confidence from living on my own and working a real, grown-up job or something. I was much more amused by all the bluster – especially when he specifically said to D that he was trying to find my hot buttons (and by attacking the people that my job deals with, well, that ain’t anywhere near it, and I said as much) – and even during dinner when he talked about putting his big man foot down and how his wife should listen, and a bunch of other crap that just made me laugh.

After dinner, D and I watched American Beauty, which I hadn’t seen since about the time it first came out in video, and I’m not sure. Movies like that, especially lately, just make me kinda roll my eyes. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a good movie, but ... I don’t know, some of it felt kinda forced or weird or something.

Just had a long talk with one of my coworkers about job stuff and boys and whatnot. It’s tough sometimes trying to explain my current situation to other people, especially as I totally don’t understand it myself. Well, I understand it, but... I don’t know. I have so much shit in my head that I have to get straightened out, and so much baggage from the bad relationships I’ve had, or even just the ones that have ended poorly, that I sometimes don’t even know where to begin. And as great as they may be, some of my friends simply don’t help – it’s very tough trying to work out your own shit and insecurities when someone else is handing you theirs to deal with.

I just really wish that for once in my life, one of the relationships that I get into would just work for all of the right reasons. Maybe I need to start dating people who come from more of my background, or who are closer to my age, or whatever, but at the same time, that totally doesn’t help me deal with what it is I’m feeling and experiencing now. And sometimes I don’t even know what that is.

Those of you who’ve read this blog from the beginning, or who were around when it first started, may remember my adventures/absolute mishaps with the one I called The Ex-. Now, The Ex- and I haven’t had any contact in ages, aside from when I used to occasionally send him links that I thought might interest him, but the space and the time and the distance and the occasional other good relationship where what helped me get over him. However, it left me with a lot of bruises and uncertainties, and real big issues when it comes to me feeling as if someone is using me. This is why I can’t really get it going with casual, no-strings attached sex with a stranger – I never want to feel like someone is just using me because I happen to be an available cunt, or because I’m not totally ugly to them. I need to feel as if someone cares about who I am, and likes who I am (yeah, the liking helps) – a “Jen’s cool/smart/funny/nice/interesting/cute and I’d like to be close to her” and not “Jen has boobs and a pulse.”

The Ex- and I dated long-distance the second time around, for a little over two years. Things started to disintegrate after about a year and a half, when he told me he wanted to see other people. We kept dating through the summer, then kinda not really split up and were kinda not really together and apart for quite some time after that – I don’t remember all the details, I’d have to go back and read journals to refresh my memory properly. After we broke up for good, we both started seeing other people, and yet he’d still keep trying to cyber me, or have me talk dirty to him while he got off, or he’d come home for visits and try to sleep with me. Because I was emotionally fucked up over him and kept hoping that maybe, if we spent time together, he’d remember how good it was and want to be with me again, I let it happen. I never slept with him, because I knew that that would just screw me up something wicked-fierce, but in the end, I was still pretty fucked up over it, and it took me a long time to really recover.

J was the next heartbreak that I had to deal with, but it was my shit and not his. I held onto a lot of hopes for a long time, and that was again, my shit. Basically, he was the first really great guy that I’d dated for awhile, someone that I saw myself being really happy with, and so I was pretty disappointed when it ended (hah, again for those of you who’ve been reading this for awhile, you’ll understand the understatement of that comment). Again, it was time and distance that helped to heal things there; even when I felt secure and better, I still had a hard time talking to him or even looking at him when we were together in person. This summer was really the first time I was able to talk and deal with him and not feel like a total loser. Since then, I’ve seen him on a few occasions and things have been pretty much comfortable. I still seem to pay a bit more attention when his name comes up in conversation, or I feel some sympathies to him because in some ways I understand things that others might not, but that’s just ‘cause I dated the guy and don’t think that connection that I have to him is going to ever really go away.

After J I dated Mark, Ben’s younger brother. Mark was the first guy I’d been friends with first in awhile, and while we decided to start things off casually, it progressed into an actual relationship after a little while. Things between us were good, and I liked the feeling of belonging and acceptance that I had from his family (although parents generally like me), and our time together. I still think fondly of Mark, and we’ve started talking a bit more often and spending time together once in awhile, and various feelings or whatnot that I’m acknowledging have led me to realize that sometimes I’m damn good at hiding stuff from myself, or even denying my feelings.

Which brings me to D. As some of you may know, I’m only really hitting the highlights (with one lowlight) in this little (okay, huge) brain vomitage, since I haven’t talked about my “relationship” with the pizza guy or the “fiasco” (“air quotes”) with the coworker. Time with D has encompassed both, to be honest. The relationship aspect of it is generally good, with some occasional moments of immaturity/stupidity on both of our parts (a lot of the stupidity is insecurity for me), but it’s been the post-stuff that’s been confusing, hurtful at times, difficult, and brings back bad memories of my time with The Ex-. My coworker friend thinks I need to just walk away, and get my shit together from a solo perspective, and spend time with good people, but I don’t know if I’m that strong. I have elements of The Ex- and the J relationships filtering back through here: “Oh, if he just sees how great we are/I am/how other girls just aren’t the same (totally not my belief, but I can dream), then maybe...”

But I don’t even know what that maybe should be. Sometimes when I’ve felt really bad about things, I’ve just wanted to go out to the bars for several nights in succession and just hook up with random people. But I don’t know if I’d respect myself after that. Instead, I just try to gather sympathies and attention from various safe friends, who won’t threaten my little existence, although even that’s starting to change – and again, I don’t know what I want to do about that.

I feel anxious still, and weird, and uncertain, and I still don’t know why. I feel like there’s some big heart-wrenching talk on the horizon, but I don’t know what it would be over. Things with D are much like they were with The Ex-; “don’t ask/don’t tell/do whoever you want but I don’t have to like it” ridiculousness stupidity... and sometimes I’m really scared of being dragged back down to where I ended up then, with the insecurity and the jealousy and the hating.

But I’m different now, much as it may not feel that way at times. I know that I’m usually dealing with things differently than I did then, and either I feel differently about D than I did about The Ex-, or I’m just better at dealing, or I’m really really good at denying things to myself, but I’m not in that pit that I was in back then. I’m more self-aware, and I’m doing my absolute best to stop myself from getting there. I like to think that if I feel myself getting close to that pit, that I’ll walk away, but I can’t say that for sure.

I guess what it boils down to is like what he said once; for a relationship that was really only maybe five months in length, it’s not a good idea to make whatever changes or sacrifices it would take to continue things. Of course, what my brain interprets this as is, “You’re not good enough/worth enough for those sacrifices, no matter how many times I may tell you I love you/I want to be with you/I think about you all the time.” In a sense to me, things have lasted longer than five months because of whatever else you would call what’s been happening between us since September. But... that’s my perspective, and when it comes to me and my relationships, it’s usually flawed.

When it comes to other people or their relationships, it’s often bang-on, oddly enough. Maybe the Bald Guy was right when he said that he didn’t see me ever getting married, just having partnerships. The irony of the way people perceive me is this: people see me as always chasing boys, or sleeping with the world, or living the swinging single lifestyle (or something), or even picking up people through my self-confidence and all that other crap. In reality, I desperately want to be in a secure relationship with someone, living with them and looking after each other, married and all the rest that that encompasses. I’m 23 years old, and I’m tired of dating assholes, I’m tired of dating temporary boys, I’m tired of dating Mr. Okay for Now instead of Mr. Right. A few times in my life I thought I’d found Mr. Right, and at least once I’m really glad I’m mistaken; I shouldn’t have to compromise myself, or at least not drastically, in order to make a relationship with someone work.

In the meantime, I just life day-to-day and hope that maybe I’ll meet someone right. Or maybe, things might work out right for me. It seems pretty unlikely, but I figure there has to be a payoff for me at some point, right?

2003/12/09

2003/12/08

He said he loved me while he was inside of me.
I didn't want to hear it.
I didn't want it to be about love for him,
Like it wasn't for me.
I wanted it to be about sex.
I wanted it to be about passion.
I wanted to forget.
I wanted to be away.
I wanted to be able to forget myself.
And him
And just feel.
He said he loved me while he was inside of me.
But he didn't,
Not really.
If he loved me, would he have tried so hard
To hurt me?
Would he have treated me the way he did?
I don't think so.
At least, I hope not.
Standing there, against the couch.
He said he loved me while he was inside of me.
Maybe once, it was about the passion.
Maybe once, it was about the sex.
But I never got to forget.
It never was about the sex.
It never was about the passion.
Instead, it was about him hurting me.
It was about him trying to make me something I wasn't.
It was about me trying to forget him.
Because he never loved me, not even when he was inside of me.
And that was the way I wanted it.
That was the way I wanted him.
But even that was short-lived.
All the love in my life is short-lived.

In ten minutes' time I get to meet with my boss and figure out where my government career is going to go. I'm not too sure what to expect, whether I'll be handed a list of options and told to pick, or asked what I want to do, or what. Either way, 'cause it's new and it's my boss and I have a built-in fear of bosses, I'm nervous. :)

However, I'm slowly digging myself a little niche in here. I have one of my coworkers making what she calls "Jen faces" on occasion, I've been the one co-ordinating our Christmas party for the sub-directorate, and I'm allowing my sense of humour to show through a bit. :) I don't kid myself that I'm invaluable or irreplaceable, but I think people are starting to like me. :) I know that I've been involved in a number of conversations where I think I impressed people with my knowledge/sense of humour, at the very least. Points for me. :)

Big A and I saw Rufus Wainwright last night, and aside from my aching feet and the stupid tall people, it was a good time. I started out at a bit of a disadvantage, wearing sight heels and having done a fair bit of lower body in my workout with my trainer (not that that's up to me to choose, of course). I can still feel it in my thighs today, and I don't know if it's the workout, the standing around, or if I didn't stretch properly, or a combination. Whatever it is, it's a weird nice/pain feeling.

I'm still plowing through the Anita Blake books -- I'm near the end of book five tonight, and I have every intention of finishing it. Thankfully there are still a few more to go -- I think two or three in my possession, and another two or so I still have yet to purchase. This is quite the addiction. :)

Plans are in the works to meet a few of my emode penpals next week. The few people I've been talking to regularly seem like decent guys, but if I don't post here after I say I'm meeting 'em, well... maybe someone that loves me will notice my absence. :)

My brain has just drawn a blank and it's time for me to be off, anyhow. I'll try to write more later, if I can think of more inanities to post. :)

2003/11/30

For those of you who, like me, have grown boobs and know that they don't grow in four months, here's a pictoral history of Britney's boobs, with a fantastic rant at the beginning that I completely agree with. Things about how it's a bad idea for 17-year olds to get plastic surgery, and how disgusting it is listening to 40+ year old men talk about how much they'd like to get it on with 20-year olds. :) I laughed, I cried, I cheered. Now go read it. :)

Introduce this Pope Innocent III Action Figure to your other figures and watch the spiritual sparks fly! Armed with his formidable power of excommunication and an intimidating scroll inscribed with Latin text, this 6" tall, hard plastic model of the 176th Pope will soon have all your other action figures lining up for confession. Read the back of the illustrated blistercard and you'll find that Pope Innocent III was a good guy in all respects. He was a patron of the arts, cared about orphans, built a hospital and reunified the Papal States! Comes with removable fancy Pope hat.

Geeked out last night with Ben, watching Star Treks: Insurrection and Nemesis. Good times. :) Wound up staying too late and crashed on the sofa in the basement; I fit into a loveseat, though it's not ideal for me, sleep-wise. No matter, woke up around 9 or so, got some more rest (I think), then headed out for the bus. I figure Ben and Mark will be out for the count for quite some time.

There's more I want to write here about last night, but I'm not sure what to say or how to say it, so I'm just going to leave it be for now. If I'm lucky, I'll get some writing time in today/tonight, and maybe get it sorted out in my head on my own. Mind you, it's one of those things that I don't know if I can sort out without talking to the other person involved.

For those of you who sent me messages saying you were worried about me after my last rambling post (from Saturday morning), thanks. I wasn't really as mucked up as people seem to think, I just had some lines running through my head that made sense to me and I posted them there, albeit in a less sense-making fashion than I would have hoped. I find it kinda funny that when I feel at my worst and post, no one seems to say anything, but when I toss something off in a mini-haze combination of tired and mildly down, everyone's there. You guys are funny. :)

I'm about half-way into the second Anita Blake book (I originally had the first lent to me), and I'm enjoying it. I think now I'm in the right frame of mind for the books and I know a bit better what to expect from the author, so that's probably helping. Either that or I'm just in the mood now for vampires and zombies and stuff. Maybe I need a Spike fix. ;)

Anyhow, time for breakfast and random other errands to be taken care of around here. I need to scare up some loonies to get some laundry done, but I think I'll put that off until tomorrow. I should go to the gym, especially as I swore I would yesterday; I think I'll do that just before work. For now, I'm feeling kinda lazy, but not tired enough to go back to sleep. So much for getting lots of rest this weekend. Ah well... the head stuff is fun. :P

2003/11/29

Ergh. I crashed at the folk's place last night, and it was *cold* there. I've gotten way too used to my sauna-temperatures, I guess. Either that or I'm just not used to the lightweight bedspread and sheets that are on my sister's bed.

I am also apparently retaining water, or the soup expanded in my system or something, 'cause I was peeing constantly all day yesterday. Pretty ridiculous, and I've decided to blame that for my seeming weight gain (retaining water and maybe some muscle mass? One can hope).

*sigh* I'm *trying*. I'm trying to eat well, I eat less than I used to (or so I think), and I work out at the gym at least two days a week. I know I've gotten stronger, but aside from that, has anything changed? When I looked in the mirror yesterday and I could see the beginnings of a double chin -- or at least some major softness going on under my chin -- I decided that maybe not.

So what with the frozenness last night (I woke up at one point to use the washroom and my face was cold to the touch), and whatnot, I didn't sleep tremendously greatly. *sigh* I spent last night hanging out with a few friends, R and N, and JW and AM. We played video games and chatted, and I got to enjoy the joys of Celebrity Deathmatch (although those joys are admittedly short-lived), and some Amplitude, which I wasn't very good at at all. :) After I passed out on the couch slightly, we all left. I got to wait a stupid amount of time for the bus (must've just missed one), finished Survivor (by Chuck Palahniuk -- this one I actually kinda enjoyed, maybe now I'm getting used to his style), and went home to post depressing updates and sleep.

Which takes us to today... left the house late-ish with the folks. My dad's car's washer fluid thingys were all frozen up, so he didn't want to get on the highway to drive me downtown (understandable). Did I mention I woke up to a whole bunch of snow? Yeah. Lovely times. Anyhow, we got to a point just before the highway on-ramp, they went and did some shoe shopping, and I hit up the bookstore. Yay for bookstores. I picked up basically all of the current Anita Blake series (minus the last three), and the girl who rang up my purchases screwed up my coupons. *sigh* I only realized it in the car, after we'd already left, too. Ah well...

And then we came downtown and my dad put up the cupboards in my bathroom (though not my shelves yet), and life is getting slightly closer to good in the storage area. Part of me wants to just live in this dinky little apartment forever because of the hassle of doing this all over again in less than a year, but the other part of me is saying, "no, no, you'll move out. Yes, you will." :)

I've been trying to kinda renew contact with an old acquaintance, for lack of a better word, and it doesn't seem to be happening. I'm not sure what I want out of the contact, so maybe that's not a bad thing that it's not happening, but it's still a bit of a pisser. I'm not sure if I should continue the effort, or just let it go.

I want to hate that you judge me, without knowing the reasons behind my actions.

I want to hate that, were I the secure person that everyone seems to think I am, I wouldn't have done what I did when I did it.

I want to hate that I feel things for you.

I want to hate that I feel left behind, while you move on.

I want to blame you for keeping me here.

I want to blame you for what I feel.

I want to blame you for leading me on.

I want to stop feeling.

I want to stop thinking.

I want to stop being back in this place.

I want to be with you, but I don't.

I want to be with him, but I don't.

I want to be with the other him, but I don't.

Everyone's moving on, but I'm not.

The more I work, the worse it gets. The more good I think I'm doing, the less improving there seems to be.

I don't want to be this size anymore. I want to see changes. I want you to stop mocking me and try supporting me. I want you to encourage me, not tell me that you can tell that I've gained weight since I moved out.

I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see, not stare at all the problems.

I want you to say, "it's nice to see you" or "I like your hair that length," not, "what's going on with your face?"

I want you to suggest healthy foods for me to eat, not just telling me everything is fattening or bad.

I want to be held and made to feel beautiful. I want to have someone for just me, and sometimes I think it's you, and sometimes I think it's him, and sometimes I think it's him.

2003/11/28

Argh. People.

Picture those with a fair bit of disgust behind them, okay?

Frig!

Drives me nuts.

Okay, the story. Yesterday was more or less my usual Thursday routine: Go to work, go to the gym and train for an hour. Cardio for about twenty minutes, tanning for just under that time, shower, sauna, change (with the lady I'll refer to as Mrs. Big Naked Butt, but that's a slightly different rant).

Now, back up a second until 3 p.m., when I left work -- I emailed Ben from my phone, asking if he was interested in getting together for dinner tonight. 3 p.m. Key point there.

Moving forwards; it's 5:30 or slightly later, I'm getting changed, I hear my phone ring the way it does when I get a voice or text message. No problem, I figure it's perhaps Ben emailing me back. I get my shit together, brush my hair and head upstairs (the gym is in the basement and there's no signal down there, so I wasn't even going to try to see what was going on).

I get upstairs and outside, and find out that it's in fact voice mail. Check the voice mail, and it's the older infatuated friend of mine that I ranted about on October 29th (you chase the post down, me, I'm at work) that I referred to as C. He's called to see if I want to get together for dinner. In his message, he says that since he can't get a hold of me on my cell, he'll try me at home. Sure enough, when I checked later, there was a message on my home phone.

There was a second message on my cell, but it was just a hang up, so I can only assume it was from him. Now, I would like to take a moment at this point to state that C has not given me any number by which I can reach him, claiming only that he's never at home so it's not worth it to try. He has my numbers, he calls me.

I do have an email address and his MSN, however the last few days I haven't had time/spent time online, nor have I been much in the socializing frame of mind -- Shawn has explicitly commented on this. Others can attest that they haven't spoken to me online in several days. I've also been trying to avoid napping in the afternoon and instead go to bed at a semi-decent hour; last night I was in bed by 10:15, the night before that, quarter to 10 (I had to get up earlier for work this morning).

And as the final part of my sidebar, I want to quietly say that even were I to have tonnes of free time and the will to socially abuse it, I really don't feel particularly comfortable with this guy with his new "transformation" and stated interest in me. Definite feelings of awkward and uncomfortable, and that's not my idea of a fun evening. :P

Okay, second final sidebar note: I'm also getting kinda set in my ways. :) That's not to say that I don't enjoy having plans and whatnot, but since I'm living alone, the care and maintenance of my apartment is up to me -- hence doing dishes and things have to be done, and I'm the only one doing them, so sometimes I have to make time to actually *do* them (especially when they start to smell). I also have my little routines for each day -- Tuesdays and Thursdays is the gym, Wednesdays (and sometimes Thursdays) is good t.v., usually weekends are for hanging out with friends who don't have many weekday plans... and so on. So sometimes I'm looking forward to having my "day," and I don't feel like changing that. I have lot of interests that don't translate too well to group activities, and sometimes I really look forward to those.

Anyhow, finally moving on. :) On my walk home, Ben calls me and confirms our plans for the evening. I tell him I want to drop off my gym stuff (and I'm only about a block from home at this point) and dry my hair and so on, then I'll meet him at the bar where he and a coworker are hanging out. We get together, do our chilling, eat some dinner, go our separate ways.

I go home, put away a few things, settle on the couch with the remote and veg out for a bit. C.S.I. comes on, it's a repeat. Poop. I flip channels as I do some reading, and just before 10 the phone rings. Note to self -- always check caller I.D. before answering. That's what you have this service. :P

In truth, I thought it was someone else calling at that hour (in response to a, 'Hey, how are you?' call I'd placed the day before). No such luck. Astute readers will ascertain that it was C. Argh.

We do the hey, how's it going thing and exchange current activities, and then he goes somewhat silent, as if at this point I'm supposed to carry the conversation. Admittedly, my attention was somewhat split -- my book, my television, my total apathy in the current conversation, and I basically say that unfortunately, I'm going to let him go because I have to go to bed -- I have to be up early because I was filling in for someone today, which was the truth.

So then he takes five minutes to get out one question (there were lots of pauses and heavy sighs and hesitation noises between just about every bloody syllable): He's been getting the feeling that he's been getting the brush-off, as the last several times he's tried to plan something, I've avoided him, blah blah blah is that the case?

Now, I told him that the reason I didn't get his calls was because I was at the gym (true), and that I'd already made plans with a friend (also true), and he kinda interrupts me to say that all I'd had to say was a simple yes or no. I then further explain that I haven't been online much (also true) and that I'd been somewhat turtling/hermitting myself (true) this week, and that the only time I'd heard from him recently was this dinner invite (also true). He admits that the final is true, that he hermits sometimes too and whatnot, and that he was just wanting to be careful because with all of his recent discoveries of his emotions or whatever that he was feeling kinda vulnerable, but he thought that if I really did want him to go away, I would be able to say so.

Now, my way isn't that clear, at least not until I feel the express need for it to be. I just can't be that direct usually. However, at the same time, it's very very tempting. :P

Finally, he took a bit of a jibe at me, saying that friendship means actually spending time with your friends and all this, and that if I had things I wanted to talk about (he was going off my MSN name for that one), I was perfectly welcome to discuss them with him.

!!!

!!!

Read over my post from October 29th, okay? Seriously. Am I going to talk to someone who chastises me and patronizes me for choosing a path that was different than his? Am I going to talk to someone who admits that his "feelings" for me influence his every thought and bit of advice? Am I going to talk to someone who takes friggin' forever to get out a simple sentence -- one that often consists of chastising or patronizing me?

Argh!

Especially not someone that wants to hear all of my deep and dirty secrets, but not open up to me in return. That's not what a friendship is, I'm sorry. :P At least, not one I want to maintain.

*sigh* So after I got him off the phone, I went online very briefly and then went to bed. Excitement is my middle name.

Anyhow, lunchtime is over and I have to run, but I'm going to close with this: I don't, as a rule, screen calls. If I'm out with friends and my cell rings, I'll check who's calling to determine if I should answer it or not, but other than that, if a phone rings, I'm just excited someone wants to talk to me. :P But I think for the next little bit, I must just start doing that, for his own sake. :P

2003/11/27

2003/11/26

This is how bored/unwell I am today: I actually filled out one of these stupid quiz things for the first time, ever. I tried to make it funny, at least.

1. What is your name? Jennifer something unpronounceable. Don’t call me Jennifer.
2. How old are you? 23
3.What is your favorite color? Blue
4. What is your favorite food? Erm, chicken or chocolate. Not together.
5. Where would you like to be right now? At home, or someplace warm and sunny
6. What color underwear do you have on? Purple and grey sparkley
7. Can you touch your tongue to your nose? No, and I cry about it all the time. Okay, I don’t.
8. Did you know you can't lick your elbow? Yeah, and you can’t bite your ear.
9. My note – where’s question nine?
10. What is your stripper name? (1st pet’s name and mother maiden name) I’ve always heard it’s first pet’s name and first street on which you lived (at least for porn): So that would make me either Sookie Conley or Sookie Sedgwick (which I prefer)
11.Where do you live? At work. :(
12. What is your phone number? A series of digits. Call my cell first.
13. Who is your best friend? I have a bunch of them. I love and hate you all. :)
14. What is your favorite thing to say? Depends on my mood, but I guess either “that’s okay, you’re pretty” or “fuck off and leave me alone.”
15. Do you have any nicknames? Jen, Shorty, sometimes Kitten. People aren’t very creative.
16.What is your favorite alcoholic drink? I guess Smirnoff Ice or Fuzzy Navels. Chocolate martinis are pretty sweet.
17.What did you do today? Work. Later maybe some television, crafts, reading and the gym.
18.Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? Not the last time I checked.
19. Have you ever been in love? Unfortunately.
20.Night or Morning? Night. I hate mornings, especially when they happen early.
21. White or black? Black.
22. Dog or Cat? *checks tattoos* Cat, I guess.
23. Sushi or steak? Steak. Fish are meant to be alive and plotting my death.
24.Vodka or Rum? Vodka all the way, my friends.
25. Say something nice about the person who sent you this. Dan’s not as gay as people think..
26. Who is most likely to reply? Meh.
27.Who is least likely to reply? I repeat: meh.
28. Do you smoke cigarettes? Nope.
29. Do you smoke the dope? On occasion, especially when drinking. Then I go to sleep.

2003/11/25

2003/11/24

Okay, shorter post: saw the Looney Tunes movie with Ben tonight and I enjoyed it. Lots of in-jokes for people who watch both new and especially old cartoons, which I appreciated.

Went into the bookstore and saw E -- he actually waited on Ben, and E and I chatted a bit at the till. Surprisingly less awkward than I would've thought (although I think Ben was a good buffer), so I finally got up the balls to email him and send him my apologies tonight. We'll see if anything comes of it.

Work was decent, had stuff to do, so that was a nice change. It's a weird kind of different busy than I'm used to. It may not seem or look like much, but there can be a lot there. I guess I'm adapting or something. :P

Otherwise, not too much. I spent a bunch of money on craft stuff at Lewiscraft, so the next few nights might be occupied with that kind of thing, unless I get random phone calls that tell me someone's coming over to drag me off somewhere. :)

Anyhow, tomorrow's the gym and I didn't nap tonight, so I gotta get my butt to bed. Such an exciting life, I just don't know I can stand it. ;)

2003/11/23

Updating in short bursts.

I found this ad awhile ago, and for some reason or another, at the time it greatly amused me. I'm writing it exactly as it appeared wherever I saw it (I think it was a sandwich board on the road somewhere, or a billboard):

Hello, I'm Pete... I spray a liquid product onto the outside of the house that sticks on and keeps the bugs away. SPIDERS, ANTS AND YES, MOSQUITOS TOO!

I also get rid of WEEDS.

I do this only once a year and it lasts.

That means less pesticide and less costly: residential and commercial from $60.

---
I think it was the capitalization and the bold that amused me at the time. Anyhow, I'm going through my little notebook and cleaning out some of the pages, which means posting some things I've written down in there over time.

One of my favourite quotes is a Souza quote that I'm sure many of you have heard:

Dance as though no one is watching you
Love as though you have never been hurt before
Sing as though no one can hear you,
Live as though heaven is on earth.

I think it's nice, even if I'm often too self-conscious to follow it.

Hrm... a few quotes that I can't remember if I posted or not:

* God doesn't hate it [gay sex] if they're young. How else are they going to have sex?
* When they're that young, they don't need to kneel, just bend over.
* Though shalt D.P. whenever possible. [A porn commandment]
* They have some kind of pre-esque device.

I think the first two or three have been posted, but just to be sure... I really have to update that quotes page. And the WB archives. :P

Something I found out of some flyer or aboriginal newspaper or something that I thought was rather pretty:

A Poem for the Grieving, by Anonymous
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die...
---

What else? Well, I slept fairly poorly this weekend, last night especially. It was my fault, last night -- I fiddled with the thermostat in an attempt to get the heat up and running again, and I wound up turning the place into a sauna. Or so it felt when I was trying to sleep.

When I'm warm, I dream, probably because I'm not sleeping as deeply as I ought to be. Well, last night's dreams were not happy ones: the first one had me dreaming that there was something wrong with Digger. I don't know what it was, but the vet's solution was to drain out most of his blood so that he would later die. Humane, no? Anyhow, in my dream I was the one that was there when he died (because I wouldn't leave his side), and I had some line from a song or a poem running through my head, something about the life leaving his body with his last breath (it was more profound in my dream), and I woke up a couple of times from that dream crying.

Of course, when I tried to get back to sleep, I kept thinking about the dream and it upset me again. So I went and got Paws, my security-bear (I never really had a security blanket, I had Paws. My aunt made him for me for my first Christmas, and I've always had him and slept with him up until I was 14 or something, and every now and then when I have a really bad night I still sleep with him and you can shut up and stop making fun of me right now) and went back to sleep.

Only to dream that I was at work, and every element on the touch screen kept firing everything and there wasn't anything I could do (or was doing), and that was fairly stressful, needless to say.

So I got out of bed around 10:30 or something and found that yes, in fact, my Internet access was back up and running, so I caught up on websites again. Then a bit later I called my mom to make sure that Digger was fine (which I knew, but wanted to hear the reassurance anyhow), and I chatted a bit with her about the household and Christmas plans, and that was that.

I went grocery shopping today, and I really really need to learn moderation. *sigh* I brought my backpack, thinking I'd only be buying about a dozen items or so, and I managed to spend almost $90 and totally overload myself. Urgh. Got that all home and put away, and then I started putting away some other things around the place, including doing my dishes, sent some email, then headed into work after picking up some Quizno's for lunch and dinner. For my Quizno's dinner I bought a salad, and they didn't give me a fork. So my dinner has been the crumbled bacon they included with the salad, which is the equivalent of about two slices in total. Bacon on its own just isn't that great. :P

Phew, my life is so exciting I can hardly sit still. :)

Last night I watched Dreamcatcher with Gord, Shawn and Jacob, and it started out kinda arty and intriguing, and then there were aliens and it was weird. Someone mentioned it was an adaptation of a Stephen King novel, and then it made sense. In the way that Stephen King makes sense. It was interesting, although I liked it better before the aliens came about. Ah well.

I've been kinda up in my head a fair bit lately, as evidenced by my last big update. It seems to be PMS related this time around, since as the days pass it improves somewhat. I'm just trying to keep from inflicting myself on anyone too much, lest I upset them too greatly. In contrast, it's been fun getting out of the house and hanging out with people, since that seems to help change my mood.

Anyhow, I should wrap this up now, since it's already long enough. I'm just praying that the night wraps up quickly. I'm *bored* and I really want some time off. *sigh*

From IMDB for X2:
"On the Tonight Show, Hugh Jackman related a story that happened during the filming of the Weapon X flashback scene: while he was filming the corridor run (in which he is nude and backlit), he turned the corner and saw the female cast members, including James Marsden's mother, waiting for him, hooting and waving dollar bills."

2003/11/22

Fucking Blogger just lost the post I was working on. *sigh* Okay, here we go:

Tuesday - Thursday: Attended an Inuit Awareness Workshop (optional). Tuesday ate raw, frozen caribou meat. Willingly. Did not really enjoy it, especially later in the day. Went to the gym, got a phone call from N, everyone was assembling at R and (female) N's place for movies. Went, was just the four of us, watched X2. Friends who work at movie stores get advantages. :) Good times, went home.

Wednesday: Exhausted and vaguely sick. Got all the way to the location of the training course, but had already made up mind not to attend. Turned around and went home, watched videos and such before sleeping for about two hours. Went to S and N's place for craft night, worked on a cross stitch and chatted. Went home.

Thursday: Final day of workshop. Learned about Inuktitut (the language spoken by the Inuit) and learned some small phrases. Had a feast of country foods, which consisted of a lot of fish, some boiled and raw beluga (the name of which is phonetically somewhere around mocktock), dried caribou, and caribou stew. I ate a small amount of the stew and a lot of vegetables; I don't touch fish and I wanted to be careful with my poor stomach. Went home and felt in a really bad mood, went to the gym and felt much better afterwards. Came home and settled down to dishes, watching the shows I'd taped Wednesday night, and just relaxing. Internet access died sometime before I went to bed that night.

Friday: Went back to work, came home and relaxed on the couch. Made some Kraft Dinner (which didn't taste good), and was just settling in to bad t.v. when N called, telling me everyone was assembling at JW and AM's place. Excellent, I was in the mood for socializing.

Oh, I should point out here that both nights, N told me that he needed to kill some time before it was the appointed assembling hour. I bugged him about that last night, that he was just using me and my place for killing time.

Anyhow, as N was over, the fridge started up its groan of death. I'd told him about it before -- the fridge gremlins and their hatred for life, etc. Well, last night it annoyed him enough that we hauled the fridge out, rescued the pans, and discovered two things:
1) There are no sentient or non-sentient beings living behind my fridge, which is good.
2) That there was a terracotta flower pot and a mystery bag of whitish powder behind my fridge. That I didn't put there.

So, once enough time had passed, we grabbed Twister (N had said we were supposed to bring something to do -- I found out later that when he'd been told, "Bring something to do" he said, "Okay, I'll bring Jen" -- jerkface), the pot and the mystery powder, and headed over.

Lots of people showed up, Ben phoned and I dragged him over, and there was much hanging out and talking. We played several rounds of Twister; of the two games I played, I won one and then conceded the second (it was just N and I at that point). JW asked everyone to leave around 1:30, and S and N drove me home and I puttered about.

D and I talked for about an hour on the phone, and then I went to bed. There's been the week in review.

The thing is, I haven't been updating it much for a reason. Namely, any update that I post would run along the same lines: "I hate myself, I feel like crap, I don't enjoy life, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm boring" and so on, and people tend to get annoyed when I post that stuff, so I haven't.

I've been going through a pretty low period lately, and I can't explain it. I said tonight to a friend that I need a boyfriend (although I could probably make do for a bit with a cat); I need someone to show me love and to whom I could show love. I have so much to give, and such a huge mooshy heart, and I don't hand it over easily, and I protect it well, and I really do want to share it with someone.

Someone special and deserving, who'll treat it well. Someone who doesn't imply that I'm a slut, or make me feel bad about myself, or ignore me or treat me like shit. Seems pretty intuitive, doesn't it?

Someone who makes me feel good after talking to them, even if I don't talk about what's on my mind. Someone who is content to hold me and enjoy the feeling of my body against his. Someone who puts up with my annoying moods the same way I do his. :)

I wonder sometimes if I really know what love is. I'm pretty certain that I've felt romantic love a few times in my life, for another person. Love is messy, and leaves you attached to someone long after you want to let go. Love means that even if you don't give that person the ammunition to do it, they can hurt you so easily with just a word. And never know it.

Love is staring at someone longingly and craving them so much and wanting to hold them, even when you're angry with them.

Love is wanting to make that other person happy.

I have problems with power. I have problems handing over my heart to someone, or showing them they can affect me, because then they have power over me.

I don't want him to know he can hurt me. I don't want him to know he has hurt me, unless it means that he'll change his behaviour. I want him back. I want to feel his body against mine, I want to make him laugh and hear him talk about his interests and hold him and touch him and look into his eyes and feel loved.

Who's him?

I want what I can't have. That's always been how it goes for me. Being dumped makes the longing that much harder to bear. That's why I often end things first; I might still want, but at least I know it's because it's not what I can't have. It's because I still care.

I care too easily, too much, and for too long afterwards. I have to hide that I care, otherwise I get hurt. I get hurt a lot, but no one ever sees it. No one ever knows, because I do my best to avoid crying in front of others. I hide in my room and sob and no one ever hears it, or if they do, they leave me alone.

I want so much for someone for me, someone for just me who wants just me, who doesn't want to explore the field or be with others. I want someone that I want for just me. I want to know that that someone is just for me and is there to rub my back or hold me or bring me a glass of milk or share my bed. I want to look at someone when they say, "I love you," and know they mean it with everything. I want to look at someone and say, "I love you," and have it be forever.

I want to make a life with someone, or at least share my life with someone. Someone who can tough everything out, who can make it work, who is strong enough to be there for me and need me in return.

I want someone who won't keep hurting me, who won't use me and my emotions. I want someone who can realize just how much I feel when I say what I feel, who realizes how much pent-up emotion, how strong that emotion is. Not someone who just says the words, not someone who only sorta feels it, not someone who's only with me because I'm convenient.

This issue came up awhile ago in the paper, but I found the description on the site a bit more accurate to me:

Of the six positions, the "freefaller" is the more rarefied of sleeping shapes, with just 6.5 per cent of people preferring to sleep on their front. They tend to have "a brash and gregarious exterior", although this confident front hides a nervous personality that responds badly to personal criticism.

And as for real content, when I woke up this morning (and still now, I think), I was dizzy. Today should be entertaining, especially since I don't know why I'm dizzy. :P Maybe dehydration from my alternating cold/hot apartment? *sigh*

I promise, real content sometime later... but I wrote more for my novel last night! Just haven't yet posted it.

2003/11/14

2003/11/13

An article D sent me about the Matrix Revolutions/Reloaded/RewhateverthethirdonewasscrewyouWachowskibrothersforpickingtwo"re"titledmoviesforthesecondandthirdmoviessoIcanneverkeepstraightwhichoneiswhichandkindadon'tcareenoughtotry.

2003/11/12

Adventures in, "My Landlord is a Momotard.":

Once upon a time, I signed a lease for my apartment. I did this back at the beginning of July (I think, appropriately enough, it was July 4th). Shortly thereafter, I began calling utilities companies in order to set up either installation of said utilities or transferring of various accounts to my name.

Included in this fun adventure were: Internet/cable access (installed September 1st, the day after I moved in officially -- I know where my priorities lie); electricity (no problem, except that despite my spelling my last name for them, they still got it wrong); and then the water. Well, water can't be transferred into my name, so I have to work out some arrangement with my landlord. Okay, no problem.

Fast-forward to a month ago. The Hydro bill arrives, in a mangled version of my landlord's name. I call the city to check up on this, and they say that it is in fact his bill, they haven't sent me one yet, they just didn't have an address for him, so they sent it to the place of service. My apartment. Lovely. :P I call my landlord about other issues and mention his bill.

Now we're at this week. Monday I came home to a letter in my mailbox, advising all residents of my building that unless the water bill is paid in person by November 20th, the water will be shut off. I still have my landlord's hydro bill -- I have to stop for a minute to make sure it isn't this that needs paying. It isn't.

I call the city to yell at them, and although the answering machine states that they're open until 4:30, the answering machine is on at 4:00 p.m. I resolve to call them the next day, hoping that the offices will still be open on Remembrance Day (it being a regional thing and not a government office).

I wake up on Tuesday, call the city right away. I then spend forty-five minutes on hold, being informed of how important my call is... actually, I don't think they bothered with this lie. I did get to hear over and over again about how all the agents are busy. *sigh* I wish they'd just play the damn music. That's less annoying.

Anyhow, knock at my door, I hang up the phone and eventually answer the door, and it's my landlord. He's there to bring some workers over to complete work on my ceiling. Cool beans. I hand him his hydro bill and my rent check for November (which he hadn't been by to collect, I'd like to point out), and then hold up the water notice. He says he was aware of that (I guess someone else(s) had actually called him), and that he was going to pay it tomorrow... he didn't know he had to pay it.

...

...

He didn't know he had to pay it. Now, when I looked at the place, he told me that the previous tenant had lived there for 6 years; I took this to mean he'd owned the building that long. As well, based on the description I gave to a friend of mine (who knew some people who lived there), my landlord owned the building at least the year before I moved in. So... how could he not know he had to pay it?

Now, maybe he had a superintendant or something (just thought of that) before hand, but still... *sigh* Ah well. At least now my ceiling and door are fixed, so I needn't worry. Much. There's still the matter of the pans resting against the back of my fridge, causing great anger to the fridge gremlins who periodically express their discontent (but that's kinda my fault), and there's the crummy dryers, but I can deal with that. Actually, I'm thinking of washing my clothes on-site and then taking them to another laundromat down the street where they have big industrial dryers. I'm smrt. :)

So because my landlord had the construction guys coming in yesterday (oh, did I forget to mention them?), I was semi-imprisoned in my apartment for most of the afternoon, 'cause I hadn't yet showered when he showed up and told me they'd be there in about 20 minutes. *sigh* I could've gone to the gym and showered, but I just didn't care enough. I wound up watching a few more episodes of season 2 of Angel, then showering and going to the gym after they left (I know, kinda backwards).

In the evening, my mom had changed the plans around, so I wound up just cooking myself dinner and vegging out some more. I finished off season 2 and chatted with some people, then watched some t.v. and went to bed early-ish, 'cause of this morning's 5 o'clock wake-up. Yay. :P

But so far I seem awake. That's good.

I have also received about 6 emails from chapters.ca, informing me that they're shipping my books. Now, I ordered two books: the first email said they were sending both. Then the next email said they were shipping one. Then I got another email saying they were shipping both, and a final email saying they were sending one. Okay, four emails. Hyperbole, whatever. I checked the order history for my account, and sure enough, they're sending two of each. *sigh* I wasn't even sure there'd be room on my credit card for one, let alone both, but here goes... :P It's going to be fun when they arrive and I get to go downtown and sort out the stupid mess. It may also leave me with a credit note for almost $150, but I think they can refund my credit card directly. Can't recall. I avoided doing Internet returns as often as possible.

For tonight, not sure what's going on. Perhaps dinner with Ben, which would be cool. I want to swing by Chapters if I can, and I need to get some serious writing done. I might wind up dropping out of NaNoWriMo, but in the meantime, I want to try to write something. I actually don't mind what I have so far, and it might be something I could actually carry through for awhile. :P

2003/11/10

2003/11/08

What's more important than my last update wherein I specified that I was hanging out with Shawn, Glorg, Jacob and company is the fact that I am a big jerk. Yes, it's true, and I finally admit it: I am, indeed, a big jerk.

Take for example the fact that I updated Shawn's journal (twice, even), but was hesitant to let him update my blog. Oh, he knew my password, but because he temporarily forgot my blog's password, I was an utter meanie about it and made fun of his intelligence. And then Glorg came over and did the same. Personally, I think that this is an example of an unfair double-standard and would like to apologize for it wholeheartily. I mean, Shawn's a bright and sensitive guy who deserves better than to be punched, nipple-tweaked, insulted, and even groin-mashed by yours truly. It's a harsh sight, and frankly anyone who were to see me picking on Shawn in the manner I have would probably be utterly disgusted with me for what I've done. And who could blame them? Sometimes I run into a wall over and over in frustration over the person I've become.

Other than that, though, I suppose life is good. I mean, I have awesome and unconditionally caring friends like Shawn who doesn't even mind hearing me talk about my relationship problems even though he secretly thinks that I am hot shit and knows that I don't feel the same way about him. And right now I am hanging out with good friends and having fun and drinks and so on and so forth. (And complaining that I'm horny, right beside Shawn who is basically killing himself as we speak. What a cruel, cruel world.)

But, seriously: I am an alright person. I'm good looking (cute eyes, a little nose, and a generally sexy look upon my face at all times), in spite of what I may say. My eyes contain both amsement and a sort of skepticism that is intriguing to anyone who knows me (and would notice these sorts of things). I'm quite smart, a good writer, and most importantly I am funny and open-minded. This is why the guys like me so much moreso than I'd ever admit. That is all.

It's funny when you run into your coworkers at a bar. It's especially funny when they were pre-drinking and wind up kinda hitting on you. Then you get to threaten them with comments that you'll repeat to them later. :)

Of course, when they threaten not to visit you during your shift for some perceived infraction, that's not so good. :( :)

I hope he wasn't serious with his flirting, that would just make things weird. Especially since ... well, won't go into details. Suffice it to say, I got my flirt on. ;) And their "buddy" saw me as I was lined up in the coatcheck, and said it was a shame I was leaving, 'cause he was hoping to try out some bad lines on me and such. That was weird and funny, especially since when the group of us was standing around talking, he was the one I was talking to the least. Guys are weird. Must remember to tell the coworker (the nice one, not the antichrist one I used to talk about) about that. :)

And I did pretty decently with regards to the nap situation. I think it was 'cause I fell asleep at work that I haven't been craving the nap this afternoon, although I did have a few moments... not to mention the fact that I got to bed a bit earlier, that certainly helped.

So, all in all, I guess the going to a bar alone thing wasn't so bad... since everyone but five people that I emailed *suck* and didn't reply one way or another to the invite out. Therefore, I give up on planning anything for a group larger than one or two people. Since no one ever replies when I send out mass invites, attempting to get mass gatherings together, fuck yas. And I'm kinda serious and kinda kidding when I say that; I am serious about the lack of planning on my part.

Especially since the last two large successful gatherings that I threw were my birthday, which worked out well (in the end), and the dinner party prior to that, which had the lovely presence of R to enhance it, and we won't go into details 'cause those of you that read my blog at the time or were there know the situation. :P

I was told today that my looks and personality (essentially) were all in my eyes; that I had an evil look in them that made it seem as if I could snap at any second. It seems every new person that I meet winds up calling me evil at some point or another, without any sort of external prompting. I don't understand it, but there it is. :P This same person said that he liked what I had going on, from what he could see (then made the comment about my eyes). Good times. :)

Ah, nothing like a new person flirting with you to make the evening a positive. ;) But no D, I didn't pick up, I didn't get any, and so there, I win the bet. That we didn't actually make. But there you have it. Why? 'Cause the only reason these two guys spoke to me/hit on me was because I was talking to someone they already knew -- never (i.e., except for once), do guys approach me in bars. :P :)

I did, however, find my dirty pendant, so that made me feel good. *dance* Now I have something to wear and pretend it's my muse. :)

However, for now I think I'm going to take off. I'm pretty zonked and I could use some rest, especially if I'm going to get to the gym tomorrow. In reality, I'm going to probably sleep as late as I can, but still go to the gym and do some exercise. I really don't want to set my alarm. :P

2003/11/07

I thought it was bad enough that the McDonald's downtown started playing Christmas music about two days ago. I figured I'd just boycott the place -- no big hardship.

I thought it was bad enough that the Bay had out its Christmas decorations for sale, mid-October.

I thought it was bad enough that the Bay began decorating its stores for Christmas about a week before Hallowe'en.

I thought it was bad enough that I've already started hearing Christmas commercials and holiday greetings from companies on the radio and television.

But then... today... at twenty to seven in the morning... as I stood on the street corner, waiting for the light to change so I could cross the street, I heard Christmas carols blaring from somewhere.

(Even as I write this, I'm listening to a commercial for "A Royal Christmas", replete with Christmas music, for a production airing a month from now).

Anyhow, thinking perhaps that the McDonalds music was carrying, I looked around. The music seemed too loud to be from that far up the street, and sure enough, a few feet above my head, was a speaker tied to a lampost, merrily broadcasting Christmas music -- "Walking in a Winter Wonderland", if I recall correctly -- for all the morning commuters to hear.

I'd like you all to take a moment and look at the date stamp at the top of this post. Or perhaps your watch, if your watch displays the date. Or a calendar, newspaper, or friend/coworker who might happen to be nearby.

It's NOVEMBER 7TH, PEOPLE!

We don't even have fucking

SNOW

on the ground yet. Hell, we've only had it forecasted once, and it didn't hang around.

Is there perhaps something wrong with this picture?!

Fuck. It makes me so tempted to boycott Christmas, if I could get away with it. If it were just about the family, the goodwill and the gift-giving, I'd be cool with it. I like picking out gifts for people and giving them. I like getting gifts, I'll admit it. But I hate the commercialization, I hate the push to buy buy buy, I hate the music in fucking November.

*sigh*

I'm done with the rantage. Today's a relatively easy day; I'm monitoring a radio program, so that takes me from 9 a.m. until noon; then it's lunch and some other stuff. Whatever comes up. *shrug* This evening I'm going to try to go out, but I'm not sure how eager I am to go if no one else is going. :P Of course, I could try out this new "go to a bar and get picked up" theory that I have going on, but we'll see. ;)

I've been somewhat neglecting NaNoWriMo, too. Of course I am, right? Well, the plan at this point is to try to do some writing tonight, and barring that, tomorrow afternoon. Then in the evening is off to Glorg, Shawnothan and Jacobina's place in order to do writing-related things. Or something. I'm also going to make a point of going to the gym tomorrow to do a class, whether it's in the morning or the afternoon. If I don't get in for a class, then it'll just be me working the machines and weights on my own. *flex* I am buff... okay, maybe not, but I'm working on it.

I had thoughts this morning about how I feel like no one really wants to be close to me. I was reading an old email from an ex- yesterday that I found in my "save" folder of my email account, and it was really nice that someone felt that way about me, or would say that they felt that way about me... but it's pretty sad that that changed so quickly, or never really was true to begin with; maybe it was just something that was said because it seemed I wanted to hear it, or it's the right thing to hear? It wasn't really *depressing*, in a sense, but it didn't really help my nostalgia, I guess. I don't know, made me kinda miss what I can't have. But... well, such is my relationship life, it seems. :)

Anyhow, time for a bathroom run and back to the radio monitoring, plus more writing.

2003/11/06

Okay, so I may have done something totally uninvited, but I had to. A friend of my sister's got dumped by her boyfriend, and while personally I think it's a good thing for her, I know it doesn't feel like it to her right now. So... I emailed her and told her that she deserves better, that she's a good person and well-liked, and that if she wanted to talk to someone unbiased (well, non-judgemental), then she's welcome to email me. I feel bad for reading her blog without her knowledge, but at the same time, the argument's been made time and time again, if you post things online, you can't get upset at who reads your stuff.

Like, I know that a guy I was friends with in high school could be reading my site. He also dated my sister, so he could have passed her the link. I don't know for sure that either has happened, and I would prefer it if it didn't, but it's not within my control, and it's not necessarily something that I would request, either. I make a choice when I post to here, and that choice states that people who I might not want to read my site, could. *shrug* So that means I either tailor my content with that understanding, or I start up other sites to hide my content, or I just live with the consequences.

And if I want to bitch and moan about someone, then I don't give them the link. ;) Which is something I often think about/realize in hindsight -- like, "Damn, I can't complain about (insert name here) unless I make it so vague that it's no longer really a complaint about them, 'cause they read my site." Again, choice I make.

That all said and done... I'm still not sleeping well, and it's frustrating me. I'm going to *try* tonight to not nap, but I'm not sure how likely a prospect it'll be. I do have a few hours of television taped (Gilmour Girls and Angel), and I want to watch C.S.I. tonight, as well as do dishes... so hopefully that'll keep me busy. If it's really good t.v., then I won't fall asleep, although my couch is lined with poppies or something, I swear. :)

I also have to get some more writing done on the Novel. As I said before, I'm relatively pleased with what I've written so far, but I do have to continue with it and see how it goes. I don't know how the funny quite made it in there, but if I can keep that up, I'll be happy. I usually can't write or deliberately be funny; it's usually in response to someone else, or something I read (which logically would also be someone else, as few computers are generating their own comments out of thin air to which I can respond [and here is where Ben will submit a plethora of links, I'm certain :)]).

Glorg and Shawn are hosting a NaNoWriMo day on Saturday, and my goal at this point is to get up early, go to the gym and do a class, then head over there, depending on what time things are supposed to go down. I will bring my notebook and hopefully be able to monopolize Shawn's laptop at times; sometimes I write best while in front of a keyboard, othertimes I require the feeling of a pen in my hands and a notebook underneath it. We shall have to see which way the muse is running that.

Speaking of muses (well, this one is a sorta-muse), I can't seem to find my dirty pendant. Admittedly, I haven't looked *that* hard for it, but I hope it's in one of the bags/boxes that are abundant about my place. If not, then it's still at the houes or Mom may have thrown it out, which would be sad. :(

Erm. Or I could be stupid and completely forget what my schedule is (she said, completely disregarding the lack of proper flow in her update). Tonight is the gym, which I hadn't forgotten, but I'm also heading out to the homestead afterwards, which periodically slips my mind, or so it seems. Gotta give Mom some passes to a craft show that I got for her, so it means that I'll more than likely pass out on the bus ride home. Ah well, good intentions. :)

On the plus side, I get to have some mad cuddle time in with Digger and Shadow (if she wants it). Last weekend I borrowed the car for a party Saturday night and spent the night at the house. The cats enjoyed having someone to snuggle up to at night, and they kept my legs warm. :) Then on Sunday, while I was waiting for Mom to wake up for her nap, I filled some time using her computer before heading over to the couch to lie down and see if there was anything good on the tube. While en route, my bracelets clicked together and Digger awoke from where he was sleeping in Mom's chair. He let me know I'd woken him up with a little chirp, then once I'd settled down, he emitted another kitty peep.

He came over and started kneading his paws on the blanket near my feet, occasionally peeping for me to rub his head or something. To do so required some movement on my part (which wasn't altogether comfortable, considering my position and the fact that my gym visit the day before was making itself known), and after awhile I think he got fed up and decided to move in closer.

He moved up towards my chest and didn't quite settle there; he was more pacing back and forth for about a half hour while I rubbed his head, ears and body. Finally, I got him to settle down and he went to sleep, snuggled up against my chest with me. Is it obvious that I love this cat? The really neat thing was that when Mom came downstairs, he didn't budge -- it used to be he'd wake up and jump down, but this time, I don't even remember if he raised his head. Digger's just awesome, he really is.

That's not to say that Shadow isn't equally awesome/entertaining, it's just that that weekend/afternoon was all about Digger love. :)

Also, for those of you playing the home version of our game, no reaction to the mystery post. Don't know if it's a deliberate snub, or just an "I didn't know about it" oversight, so I'm not going to get too het up about it at the moment. I might make a phone call or something later, but I need to get my schedule cleared up (and my hormones in check) before I do.

I spent some time hanging out with my friend K from work, yesterday. We always have fun chatting, and he told me I smelled nice. :) We were talking about piercings -- he recently upgauged his lobes and we compared tragus notes and I talked about the anti-tragus. I told him of my other two piercings, and I found out I hadn't told him about them before (although I would've sworn I had). Then later there was some joke or another made and I said I became attractive to him when he learned of the piercings (or did I say when he noticed my perfume?), and he said that no, that wasn't when. So then I was trying to bug him and get him to tell me when, but no such luck. Ah well. :) Conversations with him always run long, and that's cool, he's fun people to talk to. :)

Anyhow, got some work to do now, so I should head off on this for now. I'm sure I'll write more later. :)