Monday, December 31, 2007

On this side of Atlantic, the hypocrites running the NFL flatly deny that gambling is a main pillar of the sport's popularity, despite the fact that the league's draconian injury reporting rules are primarily intended to create the illusion of a level playing field for casual bettors. In England, however, the puritan instinct is less prevalent, so gambling is much more open. For instance, the advertising boards around the pitch sometimes display live odds during matches, and players more or less bet the yearly salaries of most of their supporters during game day bus rides. West Ham's slow start to the season last year was more or less blamed on the propensity of the sterling lads on the team to lose shitloads of money to each other on a regular basis. Keeper Roy Caroll even checked himself into rehab last year for his "gambling addiction". So in honor of the boys from East London, I've been tasked with helping all of you win enough money to occasionally pay your bar tabs at Kinsales. On to this week's action.

Fulham 5/1 to beat Chelsea

No, before you ask, I haven't been masturbating to this. I freely admit that Fulham are absolute shit and definitely look like relegation fodder, despite the best efforts of our boys. But the club is due at least some boost in form by getting rid of the metrosexual and bringing in Roy Hodgson, even though his only previous managerial experience in England was running Blackburn into the ground less than 3 years after they won the Premiership. Chelsea continue to get lucky(bullshit) goals at the death, and at some point the injuries are going to catch up to them. Furthermore, Fulham have actually played quite well against thier local rivals in recent years. So there's your homer/not entirely insane pick for New Years. By the way, you can also get 50/1 odds on Carlos Bocanegra scoring the first goal.

Arsenal 11/4 to draw with West Ham

As a certified fan of le sexy football, this pick is close to heresy. But West Ham did just beat Man U, and they beat Arsenal last spring. Arsene's boys have been spectacular of late, no doubt, but things have been almost too easy. The worrier in me thinks they are due for a slight slip up. And the odds are good, as well.

Everton 7/5 to beat Middlesbrough

For the last several years, I have thought that Boro was a likely candidate for the drop, and this year is no exception. Garreth Southgate is deluded if he thinks he can play some sort of Arsenal-lite style with the crap players he has. And yet we are more than halfway though the season and the club is not in the relegation zone. In fact, they beat Pompey and kept a clean sheet at Fratton Park over the weekend. But I'm betting that Boro hit the sauce on the long ride home, and will suffer a metaphorical, if not literal hangover against Everton. The Toffees were ok against the Gunners in the first half, and then completely fell apart in the second as they got waxed. But they are better than they showed on Saturday, and Everton will be motivated to get a result.

By the way, I use tradesports when I want to indulge my gambling jones, but I don't really want to the explain futures contracts to you people, so the odds are from Ladbrokes.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

See that? That's a screenshot of the four-letter's gamecast of the Liverpool v. Cit-teh match from earlier today. Actually, it's just the second half.

It's also a picture of epic failure (unless maybe you are the City keeper).

Those little dots, they are shots. There are eleven of them for Liverpool and... uh, hold on, let me count 'em... Yep, that's zero for Cit-teh.

For the record Liverpool outshot Man City 20-4 for the game. And the Reds still couldn't get one in the back of the net, which is the object.

Liverpool remains a point ahead of Sven's kids in the table, and with a game in hand, but all three of Liverpool's remaining matches against the other members of the Big 4 will come on the road in the second half of the season. The sky of winning the league hasn't yet fallen at Anfield, but those clouds are soon going to be low enough to rub the bald spot on Rafa's head.

There's really no shame in drawing at City. Withouth looking it up, I'm pretty sure they are still unbeated at home this season, but that doesn't make this picture any less funny.

It was probably funnier in theory than in execution when the idea was hatched inadvertently in an email thread. Someone asked for a preview, and someone else replied with a string of 10 random scores. It was only one small step to make that the schtick for our weekly Prem preview (and in my defense, that was the first time I ever used the BPL locution, but I'm trying to curry favor with the people who have, you know, money).

Anyway, the idea might have fallen by the wayside if we hadn't done so fucking spectacular. It wasn't just that we nailed four of the matches, but we nailed maybe the three most unlikely outcomes among the weekend's fixtures.

We were damn close on four others and only completely missed two. Hell, Roy Keane has blown that many PKs in the last two weeks. We rule.

Call Me Ishmael Kreskin (with Dick Jokes)

Portsmouth 0 - 1 Boro

Just off the draw with Arsenal, who saw a home loss to craptastic Boro? We did.

West Ham 2 - 1 Man U

How quickly people forget that West Ham beat Manchester both home and away last season. Not us.

Wigan 1 - 2 Villa

Wigan sucks. But we'll take the credit.

Sunderland 3 - 1 Bolton

Sunderland (see: Wigan) and yet they still beat Bolton.

Close Enough to Pat Ourselves on the Back (Our call in parenthesis)

Everton 1 - 4 Arsenal (0-4)

I'll gladly give up the clean sheet. Why? Because I had Cahill on my fantasy team.

Derby 1 - 2 Blackburn (2-2)

Were we really stupid for thinking Derby might draw? Didn't some relegation fodder drop a 5-spot on Blackburn last week?

Birmingham 1 -1 Fulham (2-2)

Fulham either draws or loses. We just got the total wrong.

Chelsea 2 -1 Newcastle (3-2)

Really, is Avram Grant going to luck into a stoppage time win every week? A few weeks ago, Big Sam and that mod fag from Fulham would see each other on the sideline. Soon, they run into each other in the unemployment line.

Not Even Fucking Close

Tottenham 6 - 4 Reading (3-0)

Berbatov was scoring like Evan Stone at the AVN's

Man City 0 - 0 Liverpool (3-2 )

Stupid of us not to see a nil-nil draw someplace over the weekend.

So what it lacked in comedy, it might have made up for in accuracy. And that's enough to try it again. If nothing else, this migh be like that time back in the day where Letterman came out every night for a week and started his monologue with the same joke about the sound of fat people getting up off vinyl furniture during the summer in NYC. By sheer force of will he was either going to make it work, or kill it in a horrible death over and over, shortlived though it might have been.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Looks like a pretty solid line-up of matches for this weekend in the BPL. There will probably be no shockers (unless Ashley Cole tries to ram his finger into someone's junk again), one mild suprise, and two results that, after the fact, make perfect sense.

Everything else will follow form.

With that in mind here are Unprofessional Foul's innaugural predictions, these for the Prem's last fixtures of 2007.

With so many foreign players landing on England’s shores like V2 rockets from around the world, we would like to introduce you to some of the names and faces that might soon be making Frank Lampard obsolete. And so, we proudly present:

The First in a Series in Which Your Humble Spectator Assesses a Foreign Player with the Help of Grainy Clips Found on Youtube

Luka Modric is a Croatian midfielder who at this very moment plays for Dinamo Zagreb. Dinamo’s manager will soon be holding an auction for Modric’s services on the steps of the English Premier League home office in Slough, Berkshire, where it is believed that Chelsea and Manchester City as well as maybe Arsenal and Spurs will each be competing for young Modric’s services. But who is Luka Modric, really?

Luka Modric is best known for his strong play against the very greatest team in the world, who are sometimes known as the English national team, when Modric helped Croatia defeat England 3-2 in the European Cup qualifiers (Steve McLaren and Scott Carson also having something to do with the result). Luka Modric has been compared to Tomas Rosicky, in that they both prefer to play on the left side of the midfield, although it is not yet known if Modric also has a penchant for firing shots wildly off-target and looking disgusted with himself. Modric is quite short and slight of build, meaning that he will become excellent fodder for Joey Barton and Robby Savage tackles.

Nevertheless, Modric is said to have the ball-handling abilities of a Messi or Rooney. Perhaps the reason that English teams are so interested in Modric is that he has the potential to slot into the number 10 position and create plays for a team’s strikers. Certainly the fact that Modric is equally adept with both feet will come in handy in a country where left-footers are as rare as a Man U holiday party without rape.

As this video shows, Modric is “a genius” and “like a football wizard.” He is also very talented at looking pensive -- although most people would look pensive when staring out at Zagreb while some crappy U2 song plays in the background:

Which brings me to another point. Why does every single footy highlight reel on Youtube have the worst fucking music ever? I mean, U2 was actually a decent choice compared to most of the Euro trash pop or weird, pseudo-“epic” music. Like this clip, which is “only a trailer for the upcoming Luka Modric Complication”:

So there you have it, the Luka Modric Complication can be yours for only 20 million pounds. My guess is that Modric will soon be a member of Roman Abramovich’s army of rich yuppie scum. Modric will soon be doing Hairclub for Men advertisements (do they have those in England?) and laughing at Michael Ballack’s collection of vintage Porsches. Over time, however, Modric will become increasingly jealous of Steve Sidwell’s tattoos and will grow fat from eating meat pies. Modric will descend into a deeper and deeper funk until he is finally offloaded on Blackburn on a free transfer. Croatia will never seem so far away.

The court was told that CCTV operators tracked Mr Barton and a group of his friends in Church Street at 0530 GMT on Thursday.

A confrontation was said to have taken place in a McDonald's restaurant.

The player, of Widnes, Cheshire, was outside when an unknown man made a gesture towards him.

Gwyn Lewis, defending, said he was the victim of a "great deal of provocation" and was being "goaded" in the street.

When will he ever learn? I've grown oddly fond of his miscreant behaviour over the years, because amid the violence and lack of self-control, he'll occasionally say something quite profound.

In 2004, he started a brawl during a friendly pre-season game with minnows Doncaster Rovers. Over christmas of the same year, he started a fight at his own club's Christmas party, where he stubbed out a cigar in a teammate's eye. He punched a 15-year-old in the face while Man City was on tour in Thailand. He fought another teammate during pre-season training sessions in early 2007, detaching Ousmane Dabo's retina. [I would argue that Dabo's injury surely couldn't make him much worse as a player]

Add to that a string of arrests for assault, criminal damage and even an incident where he broke a pedestian's leg while driving his car through Liverpool, and you have a soccer player trying to emulate the likes of PacMan Jones and Elijah Dukes.

That being said, his comments in the wake of England's exit from the 2006 World Cup were spot-on.

"England did nothing in that World Cup, so why were they bringing books out? 'We got beat in the quarter-finals. I played like shit. Here's my book'."

Can't fault brutal honesty like that, even if it comes packaged in his diminutive, trouble-causing frame. Sure, it rubbed the primadonnas of the England squad [I'm looking at you, Lampard] the wrong way, but that's sorely needed from time-to-time.

When it's all said and done, Joey Barton is a square peg in a round world. Misunderstood, and he simply doesn't fit. Let's at least hope the rest of his long and promising career is filled with more quality tidbits like these.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Derby 1, Liverpool 2[McEveley 67, Torres 12, Gerrard 90+1]---I am constantly confused by the team we call Liverpool. Maddeningly inconsistent, frustratingly schizophrenic, and seemingly no end in sight. The return fixture of a 6-0 thrashing back in August, and we get treated to this turd of a game. All the chances, all the possession, all the effort, and we need a right leg reflex from Steven Gerrard to secure three crucial points. Sure, it sounds ridiculous to call points crucial at this stage, but honestly: how many slip-ups do the big clubs make with just under half a season to play?

After watching this game, I'm convinced of three things:1. Fernando Torres will be the Premiership Player of the Year2. Xabi Alonso's health is the key to our midfield running smoothly3. Rafa Benitez needs to go

1 and 2 might be obvious, but 3 is where the match review ends and the rambling begins.

Rafa Benitez is stopping this team going where they need to go. In his constant tinkering and rotation, he's not only alienating the key players at the club, but he's annoying the fans and his superiors by failing to get the quality and class out of an expensive, well-constructed squad.

Turning up for work every matchday, the players have no idea whether they'll get to do what they're there to do. Torres might sit out a trip to Birmingham, and then rest again if Fulham visits Anfield, and yet is it any wonder he can't get it done against Manchester United at home?

The big difference between us and the other members of the Big 4 is that nobody else fucking rotates. It's a fool's errand. They play the best team they have, time and time again, switching personnel only through injury or patently obvious fatigue. Rafa doesn't seem to let his players decide that, and with lineups changing almost daily, it's no wonder we're unable to string together a cohesive, smooth 90 minutes.

Time to piss off, Rafa.....

Taking all his woes and sob stories to the media didn't exactly help either. By not coming to the likes of Rick Parry and Gillett/Hicks when he began getting disgruntled, he set a precedent that he cannot be trusted to keep things within the hallowed halls of Anfield. That whole display of back-and-forth name-calling was laughable, and frankly, embarrassing. Rafa can't play the media game like Fergie and Arsene can.

I am CONVINCED that they're actively shopping for a new skipper, with the following hints:

1. After that recent "11th hour" meeting with management, they announced that Rick Parry's in charge of upcoming transfers, NOT Rafa.2. His squad rotations and lineup tinkering has been less drastic in recent weeks.

By not giving Rafa what he ultimately wanted, and by his noticeable reduction in Napoleonic squad mixing-and-matching, surely I have to believe that Rafa's auditioning to keep his job longer than the end of the season.

He's not only been publicly censured and restricted in what he can do in the January transfer window, but he's stopped doing what he so vehemently imposed at the beginning of the season, in terms of day-to-day management.

I'm drunk, I'm tired, and I'm disheartened by our win today. Sure, it's 3 points, but they didn't really deserve it. Players were admonishing one another on the pitch, there was bickering after that Derby equalizer and near-miss from Giles Barnes at the death, and Rafa's meek gesturing and communication of tactics on the sideline demonstrated that all is obviously not well.

I put it firmly on Rafa's head. Show him the door by the end of January.

[Of course, it's not all doom and gloom. It's another win, and Arsenal's draw today keeps us in the hunt. 9 points back from Man U with a game in hand on Chelsea, Arse and Man U, so it could be worse. Still, if Rafa's going to go, get him gone now and we can still have a sniff of the Premiership come season's end.]

Perhaps the Boxing Day Match at Stamford Bridge between Chelsea and Aston Villa could have used a referee better able to control the match. Somebody like this guy in Malaysia that won't take guff from anybody.

A Malaysian referee took out his gun and fired warning shots in the air after a local soccer match turned unruly following the suspension of a player, a newspaper said on Tuesday.

The referee, who was also a policeman, ran to his patrol car to get his gun after players mobbed him for showing the red-card to one of them, the New Straits Times said.

Usually, this column is used to bring back the horrors of the past. The kits so bad you can't even sell them on the eBays. You know what I'm talking about--think Jorge Campos at USA '94, but for the whole team. Day-glo abominations and "interesting" patterns will rule the day.

Today, though, in the spirit of Christmas, or whatever winter solstice holidays you observe, I'm going to play nice. Doubly so since it's a Tottenham shirt. I mean, even if they can't ever beat Arsenal (see below post), they can at least look nice (3rd jersey/Europe 2nd only).

This may sound odd, and there may be plenty of objections, but I loved the 06/07 brown Tottenham jersey. Unlike the usual English pastiche of red, white and/or blue, this brown really stood out. Here, have a look:

Swank, huh? I like the over the top gold script and badge as well. Because if any English team deserves it, it's (not Manchester United, not Arsenal, not Liverpool) Tottenham.

Here's what it looks like with UEFA Cup badges. Of course, it could have been Champions League iron-ons, if not for the unfortunate food poisoning.

Brown shirts aren't found too often on the continent, either. Unless, of course, you follow a militant left-wing German club. I love St. Pauli, and I love that they do things like elect cross-dressing presidents. I also love that, for some reason, they are amenable to bringing over American players. But I have no idea why the beautiful brown shirts (heh) decided they could get away with camouflage. Football's a battle and all, but not like this.

Besides, the all-brown look is a definite step-up from this year's UEFA Cup (again!) change-strip, the horrendous two-tone 125th anniversary look. I'm guessing they've worn this more than once, but the only time I saw it featured was the Martin-Jol-is-already-fired match against Getafe. Pay special attention to the long sleeves and revel in this shirt's stupidity.

Thanks to whitehorseceltic.co.uk, subsidesports.com, and allsandm.blogger.com for the images.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

See that? That's Niklas Bendtner. And he's white. And the Tottenham defense—cough*oxymoron*cough—has managed to make him look like the Michael Jordan of Denmark.

Really, has anyone of Danish origin ever gotten that much air?

Answer: Probably not.

Checking the high jump results of every Olympics since the War, not a single Danish person, male or female, has ever sniffed the podium. There have been a couple of Swedes and a Norwegian (and even an American whose name was actually John Rambo) but no Danes. So this is not a country of jumpers we're talking about. Ski jumpers, maybe, but the shoes on Bendtner's feet are about 2 meters too short to qualify. And the grass at Emirates is, well, grass and not snow.

Still there he is. If Spurs midfielder Jamie O'Hara wants to shove his head up Bendtner's ass, all he has to do is take about half a step forward and wait for gravity to do the rest.

Even better, this is Bendtner's first touch of the match. Oh, and what you can't tell from this picture is that the ball ends up in the back of the net. It's the deciding goal in Gunners' 2-1 win. So Bendtner spent the previous 75 minutes collecting splinters on his ass, then needed all of about two minutes to make Wengner look like a genius and make Tottenham look like, well, Tottenham.

Because what you also can't tell from this picture is that Keane missed a PK for Spurs just a couple of minutes before Bendtner's Darrel Griffith impersonation. So Tottenham again snatched zero points from the jaws of three.

Well played, gentleman.

Doesn't one of the sides have to win every now and then for something to be considered a rivalry? Tottenham is working on an 0-fer-20 overall and an 0-fer-14 streak between Highbury and the Emirates.

A friend with a graduate degree in philology assures me that the word "Tottenham" comes from the Middle English as translates roughly as "will never see the Champions League." I don't even know what philology is, so I'm more inclined to think that "Tottenham" is English for "Buffalo" and “Bendtner” is Danish for “Watch me get my genitals up to Berbatov’s eye level.”