Last Trading Week – Stock Market Report

SR End of Year Stock Report

Buying:

Lieutenant General Robert Caslen. The Superintendent at West Point offered this letter to Army fans and West Point alums. In case you didn’t know, the man’s also hard like woodpecker lips, and roughly the size of a cathedral door. Bona fide American badass.

USC’s OC Clay Helton. Orgeron gets all the credit, but I’m not so sure he was the brains behind the turnaround. They played their best game of the season without him.

December Bowls. Sure, they’re terrible for the most part. But like pizza, sex, and air, bad football is better than no football.

Shorting:

Auburn’s Season of Destiny. I’ve loved the The ‘Barn’s luck as much as anyone this season, especially when it drove a stake through the heart of St. Nicholas of Tuscaloosa. Of course, in true erhssseeeessseeeee fashion he immediately decided Auburn should be national champion right then, simply by virtue of beating his Alabama team. The luck will run out eventually. FSU’s defense is damn athletic. This doesn’t mean Auburn can’t win, but the HUNH brand of junior-high ball they’ve been playing has to improve. You’re not going to outgun Jameis and crew. Yeah, I know SEC homers, no one has every played a schedule quite like the SEC, which we’ve all heard time and again is like dipping your genitals in a Kitchenaid stand mixer. Whatever. Florida State flat out destroys people, you couldn’t buy a defense in the SEC this year with a handful of gold-plated Moon Pies. If Gus Malzahn wants to beat FSU, he needs to invent a defense fast.

The Original Magnificent Bastard Mike Leach. I love ya, ball coach, and you’ve been a portfolio anchor in the Big Football Brain sector. Your Cougs flat out collapsed on me in the final moments of the New Mexico Bowl. The tables haven’t turned that fast in Albuquerque since Hector Salamanca rang his little bell at the Casa Tranquila. At least Gustavo Fring straightened his tie before he collapsed in a lifeless heap.

Buckeye Defense. I’m not just selling you anymore. I’m shorting you in order profit off of how much more I expect that you’ll continue to suck.

Selling:

The MAC. Not long ago, I bought the MAC in heaping loads as underappreciated league. Buffalo and NIU were my stud bulls (no pun intended). Then NIU got beaten like a rented mule by BGSU(cks) in the MAC title game, and Buffalo laid the eggiest of eggs in the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl against a pretty lackluster SDSU squad. Linebacking sensation Khalil Mack was nowhere to be found.

The Texas Job. This should be no shock. Who wants to clean up the most reviled team in the Big XII? Bueller? Bueller? Call BFI…that culture is a dumpster fire.

Steve Patterson. Colossal self-loving jerk with the people skills of a hemorrhoid. Once lined up office secretaries in the Portland Trailblazers organization and screamed about firing them all until he got an answer as to who leaked a trade story. You make women cry at work, you’re an asshole. Period. The only exception is strip club managers. I have to assume that’s an unavoidable occupational reality for them.

Junk Bonds:

Boo Corrigan. You’re a grown man and you go by Boo. Enough said. The whole Army Athletic Department needs to be revamped as a 501c(3) organization, just like the Naval Academy, and this excuse-making sycophant needs to go. Don’t ruin a new coach with this vacuous stuffed-shirt.

Bowl Sponsors. When was a kid, it was the Liberty Bowl. Now it’s the Meineke Muffler Godaddy.com Aldi Save-a-Lot Consumer Protection BPA-free Liberty Bowl. Enough.