Laboratory Tests Confirm it was in the Custard!

Laboratory tests carried out over the weekend have confirmed initial suspicions that custard served with apple crumble to MP's for dessert in the restaurant of Parliament last Friday was the source of contamination when an as yet unidentified person had added truth serum to the custard at some time during it's preparation.

One Conservative MP who ate several portions of the dessert was ex-Minister of Austerity Sir Peregrine Partridge-Greenwelly who then late on Friday evening telephoned a reporter for an internet news site to tell of a secret government agenda to get the number of elderly people living in Britain reduced by getting them to eat rotting food.

Following a discussion with the Prime Minister this morning a statement was signed on his behalf by his secretary admitting it was all a silly joke. Sir Partridge-Greenwelly is understood to have gone abroad for a holiday and is not expected to return for several weeks.

(Un)fortunately it seems only a few MP's chose the apple crumble and custard for last Friday's dessert, the vast majority having gone instead for the Japanese platinum cake. Of those who did eat the apple crumble and custard it appears only Sir Peregrine Partridge-Greenwelly had eaten more than one serving, and so (un)fortunately doctors say that apart from him all the others should make a full recovery within a few days at most.

An attempt by the Prime Minister to keep secret the contamination from non Tory MP's had to be abandoned after William Hague, who had forgotten he'd eaten the apple crumble and custard on Friday, immediately telephoned Labour leader Ed Milliband to tell him about the contamination of the custard with truth serum, and of the Prime Minister's plan to withhold the information from non-Tory MP's.

In Parliament today Labour leader Mr Milliband told the Prime Minister it wouldn't have made any difference to Labour MP's even if they hadn't found out about the contamination of the custard with truth serum because Labour MP's always tell the truth. There followed loud chants of 'We don't need custard to tell the truth' from Labour backbenchers.

Mr Cameron waited for the speaker to restore order before retorting,

"Well it's absolutely clear to me and my best mate Nick sitting beside me here that Mr Milliband did not eat any of the apple crumble and custard from the restaurant last Friday!"

Roars of laughter, this time from the Conservative and Liberal MP's - apart from William Hague who said 'But I distinctly remember that I saw Mr Milliband eating the apple cr...'. He could not finish his sentence because Theresa May then quickly removed her skirt and threw it over Mr Hague's head.

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