Senator Ted Cruz Starts Argument with Gravity

Calgary, Canada — Speaking from his home town late Sunday night, Texas Senator and once hopeful 2016 Presidential candidate Ted Cruz arbitrarily declared that gravity is oppressing our religious freedoms.

“Gravity has always been an oppression on Christians more than everyone else,” announced a rambling, yet oddly confident Senator Cruz during his late night press conference. “The burden is always on Christians to set the world straight. And we are tired, really tired, of gravity been shoved-down our throats by so-called ‘science.’ Today, the pro-gravity scientists are the equivalent of the flat-Earthers. It used to be [that] it is accepted scientific wisdom the Earth is flat, and this heretic named Galileo was branded a denier. And Benghazi. Let’s not forget that.”

Cruz went on to say that “there has been no proof that gravity exists whatsoever for hundreds of years. I mean, we feel it, but how do we not know it’s God’s invisible hand holding us down.”

Senator Cruz explaining the finer points of gravity.

Despite the obvious backwards comparison of himself to Galileo who was persecuted by the Church and not by Scientists, observers claim that his pronouncement should play well to gullible Americans who vaguely recall that Galileo was some rogue character like former Vice Presidential candidate and occasional drunk Sarah Palin.

“I believe Ted,” said Carl Rennie of Grass Valley, CA. “He’s not afraid to call-out these bullies. Just like Sarah [Palin] did. And he loves God. And people who love God have a lot more at stake if they don’t tell the truth.”

According to sources close to the Cruz campaign, he plans raising doubt over the legitimacy of Integers followed by a long tirade on the evils of “a good breakfast.”

POPULAR CATEGORIES

This website is for entertainment purposes only. Please do not let your children use this site. If something in one of the stories you see here is not true, that would mean it’s fiction. You can still do that without censorship – create fiction. Any persons mentioned in our copy bearing resemblance to persons living or dead is a mere coincidence and probably a creation in your overactive imagination.

We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it. For additional questions, please consult our privacy policy.OKPrivacy policy