101 'Star Wars' Spoilers

Your definitive guide to anything and everything that has happened so far ... or not.

Now that you’ve seen The Force Awakens, it’s only appropriate that we drop some saga-spanning spoilers on you just to refresh your memory. In a now seven movie series, it’s easy to forget all the twists and turns that accompany the zany space adventures of the Skywalker family. A lot has happened in the 40 years since we were introduced to the whole clan (though at the time we didn’t know it). So sit back and take in some things that may or may not have happened in the Star Wars movies.

Spoilers ahead, so read at your own risk.

1. There will never be star peace.

2. Luke blows up the Death Star with the help of Han Solo at the end of A New Hope

3. Darth Vader is Luke’s father.

4. Princess Leia is Luke’s sister.

5. Han Solo is frozen in carbonite at the end of The Empire Strikes Back, but is rescued and stays alive in Return of the Jedi.

8. When he takes off his helmet, Darth Vader looks like the famous Thomas Bolton Dalziel drawing of Humpty Dumpty.

9. Anakin, Luke, and Rey all are able to pilot highly sophisticated spacecraft without having any real previous experience doing so.

10. Darth Vader never brushes his teeth.

11. Darth Vader never showers.

12. Darth Vader smells funny.

13. A primitive pantsless civilization called Ewoks are able to defeat the technologically advanced Galactic Empire at the end of Return of the Jedi.

14. The humans take all the credit.

15. Vader’s strategy to find the Rebels in The Empire Strikes Back is to send out thousands of probe droids at random, which actually works.

16. The forests of Endor surround the ruins of the Mayan city of Tikal, which means the Ewoks are a super racist portrayal of Guatemalans.

17. According to Shmi Skywalker, Anakin was allegedly asexually conceived by the Force and defintely not some random space pilot who broke her heart one time after he split for another galaxy 12 years ago.

26. Despite the fact that Leia tells Grand Moff Tarkin that main the Rebel base is on Dantooine (which is a lie), Tarkin tests the destructive firepower of the Death Star on her home planet of Alderaan, completely destroying it.

27. There are no trade embargoes or blockades by the Trade Federations or any other boring geopolitical faction in The Force Awakens.

28. The order issued by Emperor Palpatine to kill all Jedi in Revenge of the Sith is called “Order 66.” Sounds spooky.

29. Everyone in Star Wars has daddy issues.

30. Anakin Skywalker has a pronounced lava allergy.

31. Anakin Skywalker suffers from phantom limb(s).

32. Obi-Wan gives Luke Anakin’s lightsaber but doesn’t tell him he used it to kill dozens of children with it.

33. Jar Jar Binks is responsible for the creation of the Empire after giving Palpatine total control of the Senate when Padme grants him the ability to represent the entire planet of Naboo.

34. At the end of Revenge of the Sith, Padme dies giving birth to Luke and Leia.

35. Obi-Wan Kenobi helps hide both Skywalker twins, but doesn’t recognize Leia in A New Hope.

36. Vader cuts off Luke’s hand at the end of The Empire Strikes Back, then Luke cuts off Vader’s hand at the end of Return of the Jedi.

37. Emperor Palpatine has a bad case of Eczema — so does Supreme Leader Snoke — but it’s never addressed in any of the movies.

39. Luke kisses his sister multiple times on the mouth, but it doesn’t bother him.

40. If you’re Force sensitive and go into a cave or a basement, you’ll see some seriously trippy Force-related shit.

41. Finn was taken from his family prior to the events of The Force Awakens and reconditioned by the First Order to serve in their army under the call sign FN-2187.

42. Finn is given his name by Poe Dameron from his Stormtrooper call sign after Finn helps Poe escape from the First Order.

43. Sebulba, the alien who loses the podrace in The Phantom Menace, is in the background of Jabba’s palace in Return of the Jedi, but only the Blu-ray version because George Lucas is a hilarious maniac.

44. The Empire Strikes Back lasts for two hours and four minutes.

45. General Grievous, a four-armed half-robot with emphysema who can wield lightsabers like nunchucks, is a character in the Star Wars series.

46. Hundreds of thousands of innocent people die on all three Death Stars, but we’re only really supposed to care about three main characters at a time.

47. In A New Hope Han, Luke, and Leia get stuck in a trash compactor but escape when R2-D2 plugs into the Death Star’s computer to stop it.

48. Lando Calrissian becomes the leader of Cloud City, a semi-autonomous mining colony, without any business experience whatsoever.

49. Return of the Jedi lasts for two hours and 11 minutes.

50. Auto-erotic force choking is never shown on camera.

51. Darth Vader is a sadist.

52. Han and Luke get a medal at the end of A New Hope, but for some reason Chewie does not.

53. The guy who wrote the cantina “Force Awakens” music “Jabba Flow” and “Dobra Doompa has a MacArthur Genius Grant.

54. The prefered burial ceremony in a galaxy far, far away is a funeral pyre.

55. Alien supercats attack Padme and Anakin in Attack of the Clones, but fail to defeat them because of Natalie Portman’s midriff.

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