I believe the time has come where I will have to quit my job in order to care for my mom. I no longer have help to care for her. Im a mother of 3 and can not financially afford to quit my job. She was in a nursing home before coming to live we me but she was neglected and i refuse to let her go back to one. Is there any financial help for caregivers?

28 Comments

Deli, please consider what this move will do to your 3 kids. Yes, you only have one mom, but you are responsible for 3 kids above all others. If their dad is involved in their lives, does he know what you're planning? Are you sure this is a rational move for your family? I admire you for loving your mother and your concern for her safety,but please realize that what you are about to do will affect the safety of your kids.

Crowemagnum has a point. Your life will become very different if you take your mom in. Your children's lives will change. You will have no life! Think very carefully before you make your final decision. You have others to consider! Talk to your local elder services and see if they can help you find a place for your mom. None of us can be happy about NH care, but it is better than burdening yourself and your children for who knows how long. Sorry to sound so negative, but I quit my job to care for Mom 2+ years ago and am still at it. Mom has long term care insurance to pay for help. Merry is wonderful and just started working 35 hours a week to help me out, but there are 168 hours in a week and one just rolls into another, nonstop. Please make sure you are willing to sacrifice everything to do this!

Noooo don't quit your job. My wife and I have and we also have 3 kids to take care of. Depending on the state you live in there is absolutely no help for the caregiver. I know how you feel trust me, I care for both my mom and dad and they refuse to go to a nursing home. Our life is now thier life and we have tried everything to get help. When it comes to caregivers there is not much help you can get. Having 3 kids and no medical,financial,and no income, it's devastating. Better off trying a diffrent nursing home

Whoa that is hard. I can see both sides. Crowe is right that you have to look at the possible consequences of such a major decision and Contessa is right that her mother comes first in her life.One shouldn't have to bankrupt oneself and end up in the streets but at the same time in the U>S we tend to put our jobs very high on list of what is important, we take little vacation, see who we are as related to our occupations etc. In other countries family comes first. Yet at the same time how can you take care of your family if you lose your sole means OF support?I hope you are able to do what is best for both of you.

What if any means does your mother have to help pay for her own care or is she totally dependant upon social security medicare or medicaid alone?

How old are your children?

How many hours a day or days did you have to leave your children alone?

Were they able to graduate from high school and go to college?

What transferable skills or education do you have that might fit into a job now done online?

What is your relationship with your children like and how do they view your martyrdom?

While it is commendable that you are taking good care of your mother, do you think she wanted you to sacrifince all that you have?

I gather you either live in a house that you own, rent or have an appartment. If you own your own home, how are you going to keep property tax and other things paid for without a job once you move in with your mother?

I'm sorry but I don't share your point of view and find such a decission in today's economy and housing market to be unwise, but you have made your own choices and I wish you well.

I was fired from my job three years ago while on approved FMLA leave from my job. I was told to choose between my job and my Mother. I only have one Mother, and figurered I can always get another job. I have no regrets, as at that time, I was told my Mother was dying, and I am happy to say that three years later she is still alive! Had broker her hip and got the MRSA staph infection. Last year she fell and broke her pelvis, and two weeks ago, she fell and broke her right wrist. She also suffers from horrible Osteoporosis and has slight dementia. I am moving in with her in the next two months. Going back and forth from where I live and hour and a half away for periods of time from a few days to up to a few months has been very hard on my, and my cat, and my two kids. They are adults now, but it was very difficult. I have no income at all, so I had to cash in my retirement and because it was before I am retirement age, the penalties were about 60% of what I had earned in the last 27 years. So, here I sit, no job, no money, no retirement, and no social life. But I love my Mother and this is what I need to do now. Does anyone know of a legitimate job I can do at home while living with my Mom?

In many states, Medicare and medicaid pay for in-home care (personal and attendant care) if it is medically necessary. The health care plan that President Obama signed has a provision for caring for parents in the home. Check with your local department of Human Services/social services and/or Agency of the Aging. They will be able to advise you if your mother qualifies for anything base on her need for ADL (assisted daily living) and income. I can tell you from first hand eperience that there will be no financial assistance for you. However, with three children (I do not have any), you may qualify for state aid. You should also seriously consider your ability to pay for your own health insurance and/or medical expenses. Depending on you state's policies, this can be a major problem if you become ill--full health care for all individuals do not go into effect until 2014.

Quitting our jobs, well we all think of it but would our parents want us to? Mine sure wouldnt and neither would I ever want my kids to do that for me. Who was paying for the nursing home? Whoever was, can now pay for daycare instead maybe. Not only will you have no income but more bills....#1 you will have to use your Heat and/or air conditioning daily which is very expensive!!#2 You will have no money coming in at all#3 You will be so stressed out it can make you volnerable to illness.If Mom has no money apply for medicaid, you will get it and get 4 hours daily and probably 6-7 hours saturdays and sundays. If Mom has money, use it for her care. Daycare is a godsend! If Mom goes to a medical daycare and her husband was ever in he service, you can get the Aide and Attendant program funds , its a lot of paperwork but worth it. Good luck

You quit your job from which you had income to take care of your mother now with no income, but how are you going to live and help her without either of you evidently having any money coming in. I don't know if you can draw unemployment for you quit and were not laid off. I don't know if you qualify for welfare nor do I know your age or anything else about you or your mother's situation. She might end up on Medicaid in a home and you just might end up homeless. I hope not but with today's economy and job shortage, it looks bleak to me.

Your kids are the squeakiest wheels and should get most of the oil. Until you get some financial assistance for caregivers (see one of my wall postings), ask your siblings for assistance in re-housing your mom, and (unless you are a widow) insist your husband or ex steps up to the plate and owns up to his share of the responsibility as far as the children are concerned.

Do not quit your job, as you'll be adding your name to the homeless slate. Remember: your children are non-negotiable. Good luck.

Have you tried contacting a Geriatric Care Manager? I am a geriatric care manager ... singing my own praise. This group of professionals are much in demand now. Just read a discussion on Washingtonpost.com:

It *is* a very complicated decision, made more complex by the fact that very few seniors want to move out of their homes. And continuing care retirement communities operate on a number of different models: some require very steep upfront payments, which may or may not be partially refunded later, but some charge month to month.

So let me take this opportunity to sing the praises of a fairly new type of professional called the geriatric care manager. The national organization website (www.caremanager.org) has a locator to help you find a GCM near you.

These are usually social workers with additional training who are familiar with the eldercare services and options in your area, can assess your relative's situation and level of functioning, and accompany you through this long and sometimes fraught process.

If you can afford the hourly rate -- not cheap at $125 to $175 an hour depending on your location -- they can be godsends. And in my experience, sometimes outsiders with credentials can move the discussion and the decisions along in ways that are difficult for family members themselves.

Moreover, when tensions arise, many GCMs are licensed clinical social workers who can also serve as sounding boards/therapists/negotiators to lower the temperature and keep everyone on track towards solutions.

The thought of quitting my job to help my mother has crossed my mind, however, I too have children and a husband and realize they need me and we need my income. My mother moved to a retirement residence almost 2 weeks ago and is hating it. It breaks our hearts to hear her being so upset and ranting. I live in Ontario, Canada where the medical system is very good. Her residence is not cheap but we are selling her house to help pay her monthly fee. You should try looking into more nursing homes...I am sure by word-of-mouth you might find a better one.

Austin, what do you mean when you say in 5 years she will have to give it back if her Mom still needs the help. I assume you mean the 5 year look back but she doesnt have to give it back if her Mom writes out a Caregivers Contract. Thats a legal way to spend the money and pay your daughter for her caring for you. Just wanted to chime in, others have caregivers contracts?

That ROTTEN NH should be reported. It's amazing on how this slips the inspectors. You should take pictures of the bedsores and get Adult Protective Services involved to have them investigated. I would try to find a more respectable NH in the mean time for your mom while she is home. I know that's difficult cause it's hard to be in both places at once, taking care of mom and trying to research a NH. "A PLACE FOR MOM" is a website that maybe able to help. They email the heck out of me so they are a very uber usefull site.

If she is on medicaide she should be able to go to a different nursing home and if she has assests she will have to spend down you should not be expected to quit you job while your siblings go on with their lives as usuall if they want her to live with you to preserve her momey then they should pay for her care-in this day and age with so many being unemployed you should NOT give up your job if she pays you to care for her and needs care within 5 years you will have to give that money back-I would think very seriously about giving up your job can you take 3 month family leave at least you will have a job to go back to-please listen to what I and the others are telling you and really think this through before giving up ypur job that is what medicaide is for those who need care.

HI there, what about a daycare and medicaid or veterans aide and attendent program, or does your Mom have money. Someone paid for the nursing home so someone can pay for daycare, I assume medicaid? Staying home will drive you nuts I think. My daycare has a bedridden patient there, she has been there well over a year and her daughter works fulltime. She gets a free van ride to and from also. Any possible way? And btw, I am proud of you for bringing your Mom home, brings me to tears. Oops got to go pick up my Mom at daycare now....hang in there!

Your siblings know you will do this so they are throwing excuses at you. Sounds like they are willing to throw you and your mother under the bus of poverty so that they can just go on with their lives. How selfish!!!! Do they have children? Have you asked them if they would quit their job to take care of their mom and family as well like they are expecting you to do? If they are that selfish, then I can't see them visiting because, if they have children, the grandchildren would start asking questions which their parents would not want to answer.

How old are your children?

How are you and your family going to live without any income?

How has her being in the nursing home been paid for?

If you could not afford help at home for your mother while you worked, then how are you going to afford to live 24/7 with your mom without work?

Once your mother dies, which will eventually take place, how will you support yourself and will you be able to get a job like you have now?

Have you reported that nursing home to someone? If not, then you are not helping the other people who are in there and their relatives.

Thank you all for your comments. To answer a few question that were asked. Yes I have siblings but they are all to busy with there lives to help me so they say any way. My mother had a stroke 3 yrs ago which left her totally be ridden needing 24 hour care.. She was in the nh before coming to live with me. I was there every day to make sure she was being cared for well .. I thought my presence there everyday would make a difference. It was not until I brought her home when i noticed all the stage 3 bed sores she had gotten it was awful, not only that after being her one day she was admitted back to the hospital for an infection that had gone septic. I thank God I got her when I did or she may not be here with me today.. I love my mother dearly but its really hard on me when I have very little help.I try to keep my faith that all will work out..

I agree with naheaton, keep looking for a better nursing facility, or do you have any extended family that could help, or even someone in the same position you could trade times with? I am sorry you have had to make such a drastic choice.

Sadly I have found no help in my area at all. They always spout there is but there is none. I found at the Salvation Army they had Adult Day Care for I believe free. Social workers well that is a joke - no help there. I have to hire a caregiver 4 hours a day 5 days a week to play babysitter to my mom and then I am there on Sat and Sun. My mom should go to a NH but is a stubborn person. Clinging to her materialism and staying home will not be an option for her one day. Can you tell us what happened to your mom in the Nursing Home. I thought there were all monitored by the government?

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