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Josh Dickins

Clare, English MPhil

Having been rejected from Cambridge twice as an undergraduate, Josh spends most of his time wandering around the city lost while pretending to study at Anglia Ruskin. Whenever he’s not failing to cope with these feelings of crippling inadequacy, he can be found taking life tips from The Simpsons and moaning loudly about Tottenham. He joined The Tab purely so he could write puns on a daily basis and he was once stung on the arse by a jellyfish.

Ageing anarchist Ian Bone led a flaccid protest against the ‘Oxbridge Oligarchy’ today, although animal rights protestors did cause disruption at May Bumps.

Bone promised a storm of 2000 anarchists, gown-burning and violence. But a grand total of 12 protestors on the wrong side of middle age showed up in an hour-long protest before retiring to the pub. They never made it to their intended target of May Bumps.

Starting at Senate House at 11am, the few and the proud class protestors marched up St. John’s Street. Ian Bone and his group of elderly activists joked around on their walk to the May Bumps, pausing outside Trinity to tease porters, calling them “lickspittle to the rich“.

Help the aged: 12 angry anarchists descend on Cambridge

They took a moment outside John’s to note that “you need a copy of Tattler” for entry into the college.

Amid Bone’s taunts of “Where’s your polo pony?” and “Where’s the lacrosse field?” the veteran team noticed “it’s quite nice here” and “it’s a lovely day”. One protestor, Ray, made a day of it, and used the opportunity to do a spot of sightseeing. “I wandered up from the station and walked around The Backs, and that was very nice.”

He predicted a riot

Unfortunately for the agitators, a map-reading balls up meant that Bone and his brigade found themselves lost outside the Cambridge Union. The one-time ‘most dangerous man in Britain’ complained, “It’s Class Politics, not geography” before pointing out “We all failed our geography A-level”.

Fortunately, The Tab on hand to guide the bingo-hall belligerents towards Midsummer Common, where the conclusion of Bone’s limp parade took place. The anarchists briefly paused to get a snap by the entrance to Park St. Primary School, whose crest features a swan, and cheer “Long Live Mr ASBO!”

By the time the Radio 4 Rebels reached the banks of the Cam, any force the demonstration might have had had petered out, with Bone calling an end to proceedings in front of the St Catz boat house, where he gave one final taunt to a crew, shouting “Watch out, there’s Trenton” in reference to the protestor who ruined this year’s Boat Race.

Too soft: Bone’s protest goes a bit limp

Downhearted but defiant at the impotent end to his demonstration, Bone addressed the assembled tens. “We could have done better with about 500 or 600 more protestors and we could have made a bigger impact” he lamented, but stressed that the day’s events were just a “marker” for future action against Oxford and public schools.

Talking to The Tab, funny-Bone joked, “At this rate, we’ll seize power in the year 2089.”

The elderly insurgents, visibly flagging, retired to the Fort St George for a quiet pint by the riverside.

Class War were not the only people protesting in Cambridge today, however. A group of animal rights protestors, campaigning against the removal of Mr Asbo from the Cam, interrupted May Bumps causing significant disruption to the event.

Campaigners held placards along the towpath side of the river, while three protestors rode a boat into the middle of the river while dressed as swans.

Their actions delayed the start of the W4 division while the assembled police watched on helplessly. The protesters only moved after intervention from the Cam Conservators.

Boner Fide

Needs more knob jokes.

pops

Oh no! A delay to the start of W4!

Hmm

I'm so glad that these twelve protesters are so well-off that they can afford to take a day off work to come and make an unnecessary fuss.

If they want to actually protest against elitism, why are they not protesting outside parliament? I bet publicity is the reason and the Tab commenting on it is only helping their cause.

Rebecca Black

Taking a day off work? It was a Saturday. Learn your days of the week properly. Saturday is the day after Friday, and Sunday comes afterwards. If you spent as much time looking forward to the weekend as I do you'd know that.

Laura

Aww bless, old people.

BoneTheLadyboy

Bone – you are embarrassing yourself. Come to Cambridge again and I'll explain to you how bumps work and that there are Town Bumps as well (oh how upper class!).

Spoony

Very good that they exercised their right to free speech. Thought the protest was very cute, and a great project to undertake for someone not currently able to find employment.

everyone

Hahahahahahahaha

Johnian

*Tatler. Please.

Gonzo

I would have joined this protest but I was nursing a Bollinger hangover.

CUSUs OAP Campaign

Disgraceful age bias throughout by The Tab..

As a keen Tab reader in my thirties, I nearly spilled my glass of bedtime glass of warm milk when I read this about 6pm last night.

I fought in a war for the likes of you.

The entire editorial team should be put in the army. A dose of National Service in and a posting to one of our colonies would teach you to respect you elders and betters….

Then try using your new fangled Acorn Sinclair Spectrum Pods, that you doubtless write this rubbish on, to defend yourself against an angry Fuzzy-Wuzzy when he comes at you over the sand dunes with his spear

etc …

incubussedin

First one of you elitist toerags to make it as Prime Minister please stop his pension, that is if he is still alive by then

Mr Asbo

Stop using my name in vain Mr Bone.

Johnian 2

The guy holding up the sign with the Queen and a swan/Mr Asbo on it is an unpleasant piece of work…heard him insulting people, being thoroughly rude, plus he didn't pay for a train ticket either…he jumped through the gates in front of me with his lame sign at Kings Cross.
We may be rich but manners are free you utter fail.

Bone Idol

"The phone hasn't stopped and we have revised our numbers up to 3-4,000. We expect this to be by far the biggest demo ever seen in the city."

Ian Bone. 22nd May 2012. Cambridge News.

Bonerific

He was correct, as between 3 and 4000 people attended

Respect Your Elders

I thought this (and the entire 'demonstration') was funny, but you probably didn't need to give it a weird ageist slant.

Drunk but content

In an odd way, this is actually the best and fairest thing I've ever read on the Tab.

apparently

"lickspittle to the rich" is slang for "employed"…

butler to the stars

"lickspittle to the rich" is a bit rich for the son of a butler to be calling anyone. Bone's father was a very loyal "lickspittle" butler to many an aristocratic household by all accounts. Bone himself was bought up in various stately homes, yes it may have been in the servants quarters but still…
To be consumed with so much envy and hate for 50 plus years just because daddy was a butler is some achievment lol.

Facts are sexy

By what accounts?

Reference or it didn't happen.

anon

by his own accounts. look at his blog, he has a potted history and photos of him as a kid. Also wikipedia. It's common knowledge.