Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. “I think not,” he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.

Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can’t understand.

“A doctor takes his first rounds at an asylum. He goes up to the first patient he sees and asks, “Who do you think you are?” The patient replied, “I, sir, am Napoleon!” “And how do you know you are Napoleon,” asked the doctor. The patient replied, “Because God told me so.” Then, from across the room, another patient yelled, “I… DID… NOT!!!”

How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to observe how the lightbulb symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of Cosmic Nothingness.

How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Prof: (Reviewing an assignment with a student) “And your essay on the True Meaning of Existentialism was perfect, the only 100% ive given in my life.”
Student: “But I left that part Blank…”
Prof: “Exactly”