Canadian Beer

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Canadian beer is an amber-coloured liquid whose production is almost entirely owned and marketed by Americans. The reluctance of Americans to acknowledge their involvement (as with Tim Hortons), makes this a quintessential Canadian product. The same process is introduced to Canadian beer. In addition, Tim Hortons and beer have the same retrival process:

Go get it.

Get excited about having it.

Eagerly consume it.

Become sad that it is all gone.

Make it your lifelong quest to get more of it.

Canadian Beer was first created by the top-secret "Montréal Project" during WWII. The first documented test of Canadian Beer resulted in the destruction of 2 square kilometers of forest, reportedly pushed down by a group of drunks. They then marched into Ottawa and ate a lot of Poutine which then caused them to go to Tim Hortons because they were cold and thirsty, then they went and got more beer (because they were still cold), and they have been in a vicous cycle ever since.

Since its inception, the UN has been trying to stem the production of Canadian Beer and gradually phase it out, because the beer companies have hidden a doomsday devices in the beer. Canadians get drunk off their asses every weekend trying to find the device before it's too late, but end up only finding themselves lying in the driveway in the morning.

These attempts have not been taken well by countries such as Mongolia, since half their country was asploded by the Canadians droping a 2000 kilotonn Beer Bomb on them(thats where the common party device got its popular name). Mongolia's enemies all have Canadian Beer, so Mongolia has been trying for quite some time to develop its own, but they cannot make strong enough explosives because its impossable with people that can't even make moonshine, unlike Canada where people do it all the time. At last report, Mongolia had stormed out of Canadian Beer non-proliferation talks with Canada and Sweden, only to be asploded by more explosive beer.

Canadian Beer is the official liquid of TriCanada, Which is located above CanadaCanada. There isn't even any water, Just empty bottles. Although shocking, there is water in Canadian beer and all of the water in TriCanada was used to make that said beer.

After its initial uses of getting people drunk and having it taste some what better than americas near frozen buffalo piss(beer), it fueled the first Beer-Bomb from Canada's top secret mountain range launch pads. This was a complete failure as someone was to drunk to put in the guidance system resulting in millions of moose and beavers dead. Geese were no harmed. They later banned the project because people realised that everyone in Canada was too drunk to build bombs anyhow.

Americans have nothing on Canadians when it comes to drinking, becase Canadians are always drunk or stoned with some Weed. Because of their growing tolerance to alcohol, beer companies have had to make the beer 180 proof strength (90% for the dummys). Now when Americans drink a single Canadian beer, they start walking into walls, and then asplode because Candian beer is still volatile inside you, while Canadians chug 16 beers a night and drive home in thir snowmobiles.

Americans also can't hold the liquor if they got sum, and usually get caught by the cops.
Warning this is top secret Canadian shit.
The reason that Canadians can drive home and not get pulled over when piss drunk is that they play hockey when they are drunk off their asses. Because hockey is the greatest non-video game game in history, you can only play it when drunk, so it causes your brain to shrink causing you to drive in a straight line on the highway.

Contents

Named for a wintertime sexual activity, Moosehead is made in Moosehead from the by-products of a single fat, drunken, Canadian man named Jake getting head from a moose. It's said about Moosehead the best part is holding on to the antlers. It also tastes like MOOSE PISS. sometimes frozen and made a funny dinner topic

The secret ingredient to Molson Ice is the use of melted yellow snow as the main and only ingredient. This beer is strictly for Americans, since it has close to no alcohol, except for the 50% content of ppalcohol]]. This beer has been attacked by the Mothers Against Molson Drinkers (MAMD) as dangerous, because it has been known to cause cancer of the tastebuds. T-Shirts are the main attraction of this beer. Some Canadians actually have dressers and closets full of only Canadian beer T-Shirts.

The Pride of Nova Scotia. This beer is essentially beer stolen from Pale Al MacDonald's beer collection. Pale Al is known for making homemade beer, and every time he is finished making a batch, it is stolen by his drunken buddy Alexander Keith, since he is a mooch. The secret ingredient is 1 gram of pure Canadian marijuana in every bottle.

The only beer made in Quebec, it can only be drank by Europeans and Canucks, since of its high alcohol content. If it is drank by Americans, it will instantly kill them. This beer, as well as all other Unibroue beers are banned in the United States, as is Absinthe.

A special edition beer made in Saudi Alberta by Big Rock that's made from a mixture of wheat and grasshoppers, and then filtered through genuine Fort MacMurray oilsands. This is a popular beer for farmers, hillbillies, and Albertans. It's chunkier than most beers since it has grasshopper guts. This beer is well liked while dining on such delicacies as weasel, skunk or badgers.

A traditional Canadian beer, named after the WinterpegEuropean Soccer team, and the collars of the people that drink it. Also, the colour those people turn after waking up in a snowbank the next morning. It goes well with hockey, or watching the Trailer Park Boys.

An American style lager that is similar to sex in a canoe since it is fucking close to water. This beer is produced in an outsourced Coors brewery in India. This is one of the most popular beers in Canada, yet the beer snobs who don't drink the beer whine that this beer is not Canadian at all, and go back to drinking their Unibroue beer.

Tastes just like Molson Canadian, but instead of being brewed overseas, it is brewed on the outskirts of Hong-kouver, and packaged in blue cans to hide them from the Sasquatch and the Rangers in the Ranger Station easier.