Thursday, July 1, 2010

Al Gore Admits Infidelity to Recycling

COLUMBIA, S.C. – Former Vice President Al Gore has admitted to cheating on his carbon-offsetting lifestyle during a tempestuous months-long affair with wastefully packaged 100 calorie snacks, plastic bags and SUVs.

The hasty admission came just hours before the National Enquirer was set to run a story detailing a Coca-Cola fueled night in which Gore rode in a Hummer through Georgia and South Carolina and ended with him printing out reams of e-mails on single-sided paper with 1.75 inch margins in a Charleston hotel.

The State, South Carolina’s largest newspaper, received an anonymous tip about Gore’s indiscretions last year but was unable to verify the allegations. “The source claimed that he flew over 30,000 miles from June to August of 2009, and failed to order carbon offsets,” Executive Editor Mark Lett said. “But we had no way to verify that.”

The world’s most high profile environmentalist began his betrayal with that Coke-filled night, and continued for several months. “I am only human, and not without flaws. For several months last year I strayed from my ideals and shirked my responsibilities,” Gore said in a statement. “I grew tired of worrying about holes in the ozone layer, acid rain and melting polar ice caps and gave in to despair. I will rededicate myself to spreading the gospel of hybrid cars and biodegradable utensils made with potato and corn starch – only when reusable ones are impractical, of course.”

The National Enquirer story reportedly contains an interview with the maid who cleaned Gore’s hotel room and noticed the discarded e-mail printouts that were brazenly stuffed into the trash can along with Coca Cola cans, Type 2 plastic water bottles and 100 calorie Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers packaging. Although The State tried to interview the maid last year, she refused to talk unless she was compensated. A source at the Enquirer said that the maid “initially demanded $1 million but later said she’d accept affordable health care and a living wage.”

That initial night of excess was just the start of Gore’s green betrayal. Over the next 11 weeks, Gore indulged in such excesses as running the air conditioning with the windows open, going grocery shopping without bringing his own cloth bag and driving non-hybrid cars. His fling with profligacy came to an abrupt halt when he was confronted by his four children.

“The intervention wasn’t pretty. He had hit rock bottom and was smoking a cigar and sitting in a pool of Styrofoam peanuts,” said a family friend. “It was only after they forced him to watch an elaborate PowerPoint presentation with a breakdown of the acres of clear cut forest his lack of environmental stewardship was equivalent to did he realize that he had a problem.

Gore’s admission of wrongdoing should lessen the sting of the Enquirer story. The tabloid allegedly paid $500,000 for a grainy picture of Gore leaning out of the Hummer’s window to deliberately discard a glass bottle in a trash can when a recycling bin was also within arm’s reach. “Before Gore’s statement, that was a money shot,” said Karla Williams, a crisis management professional. “Now that he’s fessed up, it takes away a lot of the shock value.”