Women ordered not to enjoy ‘50 Shades of Grey’

Enraged by the box office success of “50 Shades of Grey,” social critics are reminding women that the movie’s dialogue is ridiculous, and the story is riddled with sexist clichés. Women are therefore being advised not see the film, and to instead spend their 10 dollars on something truly enjoyable that won’t lead to more films being made about the fetishistic subjugation of women.

“Historically, women have been coerced into believing that they must enjoy stories in which handsome alpha males with their own helicopters lure young ladies into exciting relationships based on steamy sex, expensive gifts, and brute domination,” said Sandra Callahan, professor of philosophy and women’s studies at Oberlin. “But the truth is: there’s nothing sexy about the patriarchy.”

“As you struggle to convince yourself that you’re getting titillated by watching the cocksure young trilllionaire Christian Grey tie Ana’s hands and ravage her while she moans with delight, consider the plight of Eastern refugee women forced to work as sex slaves as a result of the exploitative Western capitalist model, of which Hollywood is the pinnacle,” she said. “Now you’re not feeling so aroused, are you?”

Callahan and other experts suggest that women find better ways to spend their disposable income, such as by purchasing erotic works in which key male characters are considerate gelding-types who seek permission before telling a woman that she’s dropped her purse on the subway. Also, experts remind us, more pleasure can be had by reading a single back issue of the academic journal Feminist Theory than by watching a compilation of all the hottest scenes of “Basic Instinct,” “Wild Orchid,” and “50 Shades of Grey.”