The shift from a Demo Reel video to a Doug Walker video (explained In-Universe as writer's block) is scary... but as soon as he receives a copy of the subject of his upcoming review, The Odd Life of Timothy Green, it gets hilarious the exact moment we see Doug's face after the movie. The subsequent Freak Out only adds to it, as we get a taste of the good ol' Nostalgia Critic review jokes, such as pointing out the parents being horrible people, the ridiculous premise, calling the main character "their tomato child" or "Jesus child", and wondering why the parents didn't just adopt an orphan.

Complaining to the delivery company when he first gets the movie.

Doug: Plant it in the back yard and see if a real movie grows? Screw you!

Even funnier is that it cuts to a commercial break while Nella tries getting her car out. When we come back from the break, Nella's still trying to get out.

So Donnie/The Critic can retake his job, someone else had to fill the Plot Hole. They put Douchey in there.

Douchey Mc Nitpick: There's a mistake! There's a mistake! There's a mistake!!OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE WORST JOB EVER!!

What's even funnier is the build-up. Donnie asks who will give up their life to take his place pointing out inconsistencies and mistakes in the universe. The Plot Hole replies that the person chosen has no life and loves pointing out screw-ups.

The Ending. The Nostalgia Critic takes his seat. Meanwhile, Nella sits down next to NChick.

Nella: The deed is done. *NChick gives her a disbelieving glare and shows her handheld media device*

This movie was a part of his February "Month of Love," using Timothy Green to "explore the love between man and child." Then a picture of the NAMBLA logo flashes onscreen.

"No, and your jacuzzi of barbed wire in hell is waiting for you."

The skit showing how the "We had so much to say but we wrote none of it" excuse would also fail with school assignments. Doug's "cool teen" mannerisms are priceless.

The List of "Horrible Pieces of Human Shit". Don't worry, it will get longer.

Sister Bitch

Jerk-Ass Grandpa

That Guy from Office Space

Bossy Whore

What the Critic believes the Adoption Clerk is writing down while hearing this story. Complete with the Looney Tunes theme: "INSANE!" in big bold letters surrounded by other words like "crazy", "make it stop", "names in a box?", "grew child?", "leaves? scissors?", "are we being punked?", "we are being punked", "call 911", and "wtf?" all filling up the page. There's also a note saying "Dinner with Melissa @ 8:00."

The "parents finishing each others sentences" skit with the parents' story devolving into an embarrassment for the father. And THAT DRAWING just drove it home!

Dad: It didn't matter where he came from...

Mom: He was ours.

Dad: We were his.

Mom: We were a family.

Dad: It was the greatest day since...

Mom: He had discovered Viagra.

Dad: ... T-That... Wasn't... What...

Mom: A penis should look like. Until he started taking it.

Dad: Maybe if you'd let me finish...

Mom: He would say all the time, but nothing ever came out!

Dad: I don't think we should talk about this...

Mom: Without visuals! [takes out a drawing of her and her husband in bed, her with a disgusted face and him crying his eyes out with a frowny face where his crotch is]

Dad: JESUS CHRIST!

Mom: He would cry every night until I showed him the online ads!

Dad: Damnit, honey. This is already hard enough!

Mom: Was the name of the brand we got.

Dad: T-this is...

Mom: Why we can't have children.

Dad: ... Can we just go back to talking about the child that we grew in the backyard? I think we were winning her over much better with that. Right?

Subsequently, when the girl is discovering Timothy's secret. Timothy accidentally kicks her in the face, as the Critic dubs in, "Nobody touches the leaves, bitch!" and a pow is dubbed in.

Critic: You saw it right folks. Sweet, innocent Timmy kicked the girl he has a crush on right dab in the schnauzer. [replays the kick] Geesh, kid, when they said "fight your own battles," they didn't mean underwater flash kicks!

[plays the kick once more, now with a Bruce Lee kung-fu scream dubbed in]

Timothy gets signed up for soccer class, "even though he has no talent in the sport and doesn't really have much interest. Even rappers (the coach being played by Lonnie "Common" Lynn) who are looking to tell their wives, 'There, I did a damn kids movie!' agree."

Subsequently, in response to the Greens' excuse that Timmy should be on the team (that he could make some friends), the coach says, "Coach Cal doesn't see it."

Critic:[arms folded like Coach Cal]Coach Cal likes speaking in the third person. Coach Cal thinks if an old, crusty white man like Bob Dole can do it, Coach Cal can, too. [cut to tryouts] But Coach Cal signs him up anyway because...[and Timmy falls before he can kick the ball]....Coach Cal likes losing?"

The skit showing a kid's reaction to finally being adopted, only for the parents to back out at the last second due to a child growing out of their garden.

Child: *voice suddenly goes from a high-pitched childlike voice to a deep manly voice* Man, fuck this shit, I'm 18 and I still haven't been adopted yet. *storms out*

Hey, mom and dad. Or should I say, Lisa and Bob? Are you depressed that you can't have a child of your own? Are you sad that the miracle of childbirth will never take place in your life? Do you find it unbearable that you will never know the gift of creation, the growth of the young, or the unconditional love any human being could ever give to you as long as you live? Are you tired of your shriveled up wo-

Bob: Dude!

Well, cry no more! Cause we've invented Chia Child! (Ch-ch-ch-child!)The instructions are very simple: Just write down exactly what you'd like your Chia Child to be like, place it in the Chia Child box, bury it in the backyard, just add God*, and Chia Child is yours.

Lisa: I always wanted a girl with no imperfections at all. Just like a real child! (Ch-ch-ch-child!)

Bob: I always dreamed of a little someone that I could project my insecurities onto, and that seems to have arrived.

Girl: Look, I drew a picture (showing a picture of an old man with "YOU SUCK!!" under it) about how much you hate grandfather because he didn't raise you right.

Bob: And now I get to pass down that hatred to you. (Ch-ch-ch-child!)

Chia Child will last up to three months, or until you feel the emotional and symbolic justification of what it means to be a family.

Lisa: I'll admit. At first, (the family's now playing Mario Kart with the parents using Gamecube controllers and the child using a Wii steering wheel) we didn't think we'd be very good parents.

Bob: But Chia Child seems to be calm and pleasant no matter what mistakes we make. (Seems the girl won as Lisa throws her controller down, then takes the Wii wheel)

Lisa: So now we don't have to worry about any of that pesky moral responsibility.

Chia Child simply combines these natural elements (Treebeard, Poison Ivy, and Captain Howdy) to give you that loveable family that you've seen in most Sears catalogues. And, when Chia Child has worn out her usefulness, just bury her in the backyard and make another one.

Bob: I'm so glad that something like Chia Child exists.

Lisa: Yeah. I mean, do you know how long it takes to adopt a child? Eighteen months. Hell, I can get a gun in a week. [She then brings up a pistol behind Bob's head, cocking it] Now make me a sandwich.

Bob: Man, we're nuts!

Chia Child. The child that grows when your parenting blows! Available in Daughter Lily and Son Flower.

*Copyrighted by the Life of the World to Come, Amen

"NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Complete with the word on a tye-dye background, brought in and taken out with the sound of shattering glass. What also sells it is that his hand pops up after the background does & wiggles around during the second one.

The Critic's attempt at easing their fear about FBI agents going after Timothy just like they did E.T. by mentioning they use walkie-talkies now. But then he remembers they changed back to guns for the DVD and Blu-Ray release, and tells Timothy to run away.

During the soccer game scene, when Timothy takes in the sunlight to improve his skills, we are treated to the theme music of "Popeye the Sailor Man".

The running gag where the Critic desperately wants the movie to somehow bring itself back to pencils, simply because of this description from the beginning:

Critic: Oh, and I'm not kidding. They really want you to remember that Stanleyville is the Pencil Capital of the World. They show countless footage of pencils being made, they have a soccer team called the Erasers, Edgerton works for a pencil factory, Garner is a tour guide in a museum dedicated to pencils. By the time the movie is over, you wanna eat the goddamn things. But our couple doesn't seem to have much of an appetite as they're still heartbroken about Garner being as unfruitful as their vegetable garden.

Timmy proposes making a new kind of pencil:

Critic: Didn't you hear? [he holds out his right hand as a pencil appears in a holy light with an angelic choir] The pencil is already perfect! To redesign it would be to redesign Avalon!

Is Twilight the WORST Thing Ever?

At the start of the video, he first answers the titular question by screaming "YES IT IS!" in answer to it before he quickly calms down and regains his composure.

NC: Years ago, a disaster fell upon this nation. A horrible tragedy that left good people and their families scarred for life. And while many weren't there to witness it, this attack on the public left several poor souls confused and afraid. And I think we can all agree it's a bombing that we'll never forget and we'll hold deep within our hearts—Okay, you know the punchline. It's Pearl Harbor the movie, Not the actual event.

Parallel to the actual review, there's a parody of Michael Bay and his beginnings.

As a porn director.

"Like I always say: If you're gonna suck, suck all the way."

Then we meet his roomates: Tina A., the Ms. Fanservice, and Dog Johnson, the ghetto dude. Michael declares one day he'll depict the people who influenced him the most on film.

And of course the realization everything now on should be shot like porn.

The Critic noting that Dan Akyroyd "might be one of the best parts of the movie. I mean, whether you like him as an actor or not, you have to admit he is the King of Exposition. Anytime he's explaining something, you will always listen. Hell, I could probably take The Dark Knight more seriously if Aykroyd was doing his voice!" Cut to the scene of Batman dangling the Joker off the side of a skyscraper, overdubbed with Aykroyd's ultimatum from Ghostbusters, to which the Joker is like, "Huh?"

Alec Baldwin, pre-"I had too much pie", but not post-"I seriously need to stop eating the god-damn pie!"

His introduction of Mako.

Critic: But meanwhile, our Japanese enemies plot their surprise attack. Led by God-on-high, treasure to the entire world and whatever parts of the universe are left undiscovered, Mako. *Cue standard glowing Mako Running Gag*

Critic: Three months later, Kate decides to go to the military base...in her finest evening dress. To, uh, not hit on Hartnett, but somehow ends up flying with him with her in his lap anyway. Yeah, I'm sure that was sanctioned.

Critic: *offscreen* "Hey, Sarge? I'm gonna take my girlfriend up into the air with her in my lap even though the seatbelt can't fit around us."

Critic: "Okay, just be back by twelve! My kids are gonna drive the submarine tomorrow."

"Yes, the smart enemy plots in giant hot tubs with toy battleships with no markings on them that would identify it as a map. Not, of course, forgetting RUBBER DUCKYGODZILLA!!" [Cut to a picture of Godzilla moving across the screen in front of the Japanese battle map as various people say, "Oh, Rubber Ducky Godzilla!!!"]

The one thing the Critic finds awesome, and the only moment he wants Bay to be more over-the-top, is Franklin Delano Roosevelt struggling to get up from his wheelchair, despite how cliche it is. He imagines his wheelchair transforming like an Autobot, fire consuming the cabinet and his theme song playing him off.

Critic: It's the one time I'm wanting Michael Bay to go more over the top, I'm not gonna lie.

When the Japanese planes are flying low through a valley and pass by a group of children, he dubs in all the pilots as saying "Konnichi-wa!" except for the last one who says "All your base arebelong to us!"

While mentioning Rafe's douchey behaviour (Not telling his girlfriend he's going to war until the day before, refusing to listen to her pleas to stay, denying her "nookie", and claiming that he was testing her)...

Not to mention her later scene with CR where they discuss who's the cutest pony.

CR: *when Satan bursts in* Is that your dad? Tell him I blame him for that shitty abomination of a third season!note (It should be noted that this joke on CR's part actually served to really anger a good majority of MLP fans who DIDN'T have as many issues with Season 3 as he did, an issue he's previously been noted for starting multiple arguments about online.)

Speaking of which, the Devil then drags Evilina with him, proclaiming that he'll let her see an "evil worse than Hasbro!"

Also, the Devil's attempts to get his minions to fear Evilina, only to get laughed at.

Kim trying to cut an apple with a pizza slicer.

Satan reacting to being told what "age appropiate programing" Evilina has been exposed to.

Kim: My Little Pony.

Satan: No!

Kim: Care Bears.

Satan: Noo!

Kim: Dora the Explorer.

Satan: NOO!

Kim: Bratz.

Satan: Okay, that's not so bad.

Kim: And Thomas the Tank Engine

Satan: You whore of no virtue!!

Satan threatens Kim with taking away her artificial husband. Kim's fine with that, since it was "broken".

The reveal of where in the human realm Kim sent the DVD of Son of the Mask so that no one would find it: a garbage can in Illinois.

Critic:[by trashcan, holding the DVD] Well, if it's in a public garbage can, it must be worth reviewing.

The Critic's response to the audience wanting him to suffer through this movie? Invoking Taking You with Me.

Leading into the musical scene is this:

Critic: So Jamie works at an animation studio which happens to be hosting a Halloween party. Seeing how his costume got ruined, he grabs the Mask his dog found and I'll give you one sanity tormenting guess what happens.

[A leg stretches out from the door before Tim comes in, face all green and hair looking more like wood than hair]

What makes it especially funny is his facial expression; he's all totally normal until the imagery appears. Then his eyes bug out, and...

When he finally collects himself, the next scene is Loki looking for the baby in the form of a CGI Green-colored bee..., which he likens to being what would happen if the Statue of Liberty sneezed out the Honey Nut Cheerios bee.

AAAAAAAAAAAAA-*slap* Okay, we're getting through this!

Jamie Kennedy's character tries to feed the baby a shattered lamp thinking it's a milk bottle:

Critic: Aww, isn't that cute? He almost fed him broken glass, a common everyday mistake of your everyday likeable hero. Or, even better, when the wife has to go out of town for a week for her job, the unbelievably "likeable" way he takes responsibility for his child.

[Cut to Jamie's character watching his wife getting in a taxicab]

Tim: Honey, take him.

Tonya: Bye! I love you!

Tim: Take him. Honey, take him.

Critic: "Oh I'm too busy being Zach Braff's unfunny clone!" But, to be fair, it's not always easy looking after a demonic version of the E*Trade baby.

[Alvey jumps out of the playpen and then begins doing Michigan J. Frog's "Hello, My Baby" routine. NC just looks on with confusion and disgust. The routine also makes Tim fall off his chair]

Critic: Okay, let me tell you in great detail why this scene isn't funny. You see...[Alvey then shakes his face and whoops at Tim before his head turns to Woody Woodpecker doing his laugh, then jumping in the air and making another cartoon face before running around the room on the wall. Each transition scares Critic, the last one making him scream longer]

Critic: Okay seriously! What is with the imagery in this movie?! It's fucking terrifying!! I mean I forget; is this the sixth or seventh level of Hell?! I haven't read Dante in a while, but I know this is in there! He couldn't have forgotten something as horrifying as this!!

The Running Gag where the tagline "Son of the Mask: A FAMILY Picture!" appears over freeze-frames from every disgusting or disturbing scene.

When the Critic wonders if Odin lives in remarkably awkward segues, we cut to a clip from Austin Powers, and then Odin pops out and yells his son's name again, scaring the Critic.

One sequence of note: he tosses the DVD into the fire, and picks it up for the Critic to take with his bare hands. Cut to the poor Critic getting a drink with bandages wrapped around his hands, and giving Santa Christ a look like he's gonna beat him to a pulp.

Critic: God! It's bad enough we had the Schwarzenegger baby from Junior. Can you imagine showing those two back to back? *Beat* DON'T SHOW THOSE TWO BACK TO BACK!!!!!

*MA-MAAAA!!!/Guess who~?*

*HEART ATTACK! TAKE MEDICATION!*

Just the over-the-top way the Critic takes his medication: He opens the pill bottle, spills its contents onto his desk, then plunges after them head-first.

After seeing Loki as a girl scout, the Critic rips out the DVD, throws it in the trash and hides in the closet, only for the DVD to reappear on the floor while a demonic voice whispers "Jamie Kennedy" over and over.

Santa Christ has never performed an exorcism before, only choosing that moment to admit that to the Critic.

The whole casual exchange with Satan, while the Critic is still frozen with shock.

The Critic imagines Jamie Kennedy's character trying to talk to Loki from The Avengers down, only to get beaten up by The Hulk.

"If I don't look at it, it can't hurt me! If I don't look at it, it can't hurt me!"

The bit about a cartoon revolving around a baby and a dog competing for a father's attention:

Santa Christ: There is absolutely no way I am going to touch that thing with a ten-foot pole. *They talk over one another until Santa Christ grabs the Critic by the tie*Don't tempt me, Critic!!! Understand, Critic, if you gave me this DVD, through me it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine.

Critic: Wow, because it's so evil it would totally consume you?

Santa Christ: No, it would just be really fun to use indiscriminately!

Critic: Ya know, you've got a bit of a dark side.

When Critic is Wangsting about having to watch the movie, Santa Christ tries to comfort him...with little success.

Critic: "I wish this piece of shit had never come to me."

Santa Christ: "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for us to decide. You were meant to find the DVD, and therefore you were meant to suffer. Meant to go through the sort of incredible psychological pain that no force on Earth could match. That is a very encouraging thought."

"Why are you making me think about a baby with three penises?! What twisted pigshit does that?!"

What the F*** Was Up with Where the Wild Things Are?

The King And I

After explaining the many historically inaccurate adapations of Anna Leonownes' story, he hopes the animated version will be different. Cue the first scene having a dragon; in response he throws and shoots his copy of The King of Siam Speaks.

NC: (nonchalantly, as he's being showered with loose papers) This is The King and I.

His Take That against all the people complaining about the color of the background wall, especially when he starts changing the background with the fans nitpicking each and every one of them.

NC: It's like people focusing on the color of the wall more than than person right in front of it! (beat, Dance of the Hours Starts Playing and the critic pulls up a screen of comments regarding said wall)

Anna: You know? *Puts down the history book and begins reading a storybook* Let's take a break and I'll read to you from some Englishnote (The Little Mermaid is actually a Danish tale)Literature, like The Little Mermaid who sacrifices her life, and...

The ending has him claim that he won't cash in on old musicals before signing off. As he leaves, The Harlem Shake (by Baauer) begins to play, and three masked people appear after the beat drops. The Critic shoots all of them and tells everyone it was never funny.

The Critic and his friends, as sailors in the Navy, attempt to use the same strategy to defeat a dragon that Anna used (singing, whistling and dancing). It doesn't work.

The Critic making fun of the villain's powers being easily defeated by using Godzilla, Rodan and the Martians to prove his point. (Godzilla is defeated by someone sneezing softly, Rodan is defeated by someone eating a Mentos and the Martians...are defeated by bacteria!).

The Catwomen leave their therapist tied up to a chair as a tiger is on the other side of a door, preparing to eat him. Once they leave, the cliffhanger announcer asks, "How will the Counselor get out of this one? Will he be the main course for our ferocious feline? [The counselor just slips his ropes and stands up, while the announcer continues] Will he be ripped to shreds and left for tiger chow? Will his body be gnawed at until the gnawer can gnaw no more? [The counselor is now leaving the office] Will he be next week's kitty litter? Will tiger digestion be his new iPod playlist? [The counselor gets in his car] Will he have to spend the rest of his life as a kitty kebab? [The counselor is now driving down the road] Can the counselor stand being part of a gr-r-r-r-reat balanced breakfast? [Now he's in a McDonald's eating a Big Mac] Is there any escape from his delicious decadent doom? Tune in tomorrow! Same Bat-Time! Same Bat...site! "

Critic: This film not only tops a lot of "worst comic book films of all time" lists, but it also tops a lot of "worst films of all time, period" lists. And you can definitely see why: It is a special kind of "bad". The kind of bad that the main characters from The Producers would put together as an intentional flop to cash in on some sort of money scheme. [juxtaposes a shot of Max and Leo standing in front of a Catwoman poster] Yeah...that bad!

Catwoman goes to a bar and orders a White Russian with no ice, vodka, or Kahlua. note In case you were wondering, that's essentially plain cream/milk.

Critic: But we'll of course get back to that later as we see the EVIL corporation our main character works for: make-up! But they're trying to hide that better as the husband and wife owners of the company, the wife played by Sharon Stone, are stepping down from being its spokespeople because...they just fucking look evil!

[Cue the scene where George and Laurel are announcing their resignation, and laughing somewhat ominously]

Critic: Okay, quick word of advice to anyone joining a large corporation: If your bosses laugh like this, [demonstrates some evil laughs] EVIL! Or how about if your performance creates the unforgivable sin of making Rupert Everett look subtle?

[Cut to scene where George is criticizing Halle Berry's designs]

George:[holding Patience's latest design] This isn't even close to what I wanted.

Patience: I know I can fix it.

George: I do not reward incompetence. I have no idea why I expected your art to show better taste than your wardrobe.

The cop trying to talk down Halle Berry when it seems she is going to jump off a building (though in reality, it's because she's trying to rescue the neighbor's cat who has impossibly placed herself in a dangerous situation that will cause others to try to save her instead of doing something sensible like calling the fire department):

Critic: "I know! You read the reviews to The Call! I'd be depressed too!"

The Critic's dumbfounded reaction to how the cop/love interest still can't put 2 + 2 together that Patience and Catwoman are the same person in spite of the all the blatantly obvious evidence... such as them having the exact same style of handwriting!

And the embarrassingly complicated way he finds out: a DNA test of her lipstick mark. The Critic compares this to:

Critic: Hey genius, don't tell anyone, but I have a sneaking suspicion that one of these guys...

The Critic's reaction to the "payoff" of the contrast that had been building up between Patience's old, meek self, and her new, confident Catwoman self:

YEAH! THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SAW BEFORE! THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SAW BEFORE!

"Catwomen can never resist a romantic dance sequence." The Critic offers his hand to the three. *Gilligan Cut* to the Critic, looking annoyed, dancing with the three of them and continues the review in that position.

Somehow he manages to escape without them noticing.

The Critic stating that all the Catwomen have the disease Catwomen Raging Against Halle Berry Syndrome.

When the Catwomen ask Critic what can be done with a bunch of attractive women wearing cat costumes, he says he has an idea that involves the Internet. Cue not what you'd expect, but the Catwomen acting out cute cat videos on Youtube.

Followed with Critic getting visited by Halle Berry herself, played by Orlando, and the 'How to Train Your Catwoman' just says that if he meets Halle Berry, he's FUBAR'd since Halle Berry has no idea what makes a real Catwoman. Cue the Critic getting beaten to crap while the Catwomen just concentrate too much on the cute cat videos.

The Stinger, where Chester arrives at the meeting for people who have CRAHBS... only he has the other kind.

After he's done with the movie the Critic still has to deal with the crazy Catwomen. He locks himself in a room, back to the door while the Catwomen pound away at it and we get this:

Critic: When will they realize I don't want four beautiful women in skin tight cat suits interrupting my review? Beat *opens eyes as he realizes what he justsaid* The fuck am I doing? *opens door with a friendly smile* Hi! You know I'm not sure if you're aware of the Internet's policy on boobs..

When the Catwomen are thwarted by their heels on the Critic's carpet when they try to enter his home: "Their greatest weakness: Fetish Fuel!"

While the Nostalgia Critic loves Lola's new personality, he does note that she still has the "bunny boobies." He does, however, note that since she has them, it would only make the pervs go wild if she went without clothes.

Message on screen: If you still have a soul, please don't jerk-off to that thought.

After going on about how he generally does like the show, he brings up the common fan complaint that it's simply not funny, pauses, and says "Yeah, that can be a major problem." And goes on that while most of the jokes work, it feels like there's one jackass on the writing staff who goes around throwing bad jokes into everything.

Also, he's literally on the ground swinging his arms and kicking his feet in the air as he's screaming this.

The Cat In The Hat

The video starts with the Nostalgia Critic's Catch Phrase being interrupted by Evilina once again singing the Friendship is Magic theme. He then takes her Celestia doll, throws it on the ground, shoots it, and shouts "We're not turning this video into another brony message board! Now sit down!"

The reason the Critic is stuck babysitting her? He owes Satan a favor in exchange for the ability to do a good Zodimpression. Meanwhile, the reason Satan needs a sitter is that he's currently in a meeting discussing his next project, Planes.

Even funnier on the commentary, where Doug and the others joked about how they had accurately "predicted" that Planes would bomb at the box office by adding such a joke in.

Critic: It's important to know the director of this movie is Bo Welch, a world famous production designer on a lot of Tim Burton moviesand Barry Sonnenfeld productions. I say this because clearly he's much better at directing the set than he is at directing his actors. Though as you can see, even that can get a little extreme. [cut to the Humberfloob office floor, a set where everything is bright green, even Mr. Humberfloob's suit, and makes Joan's pink outfit stand out] I feel like I'm at the beginning of a Doublemint Gum commercial.

[The Doublemint jingle plays over clips of the office floor]

Critic: We see the mother works at a hand sanitizer factorynote (Actually it's a real estate agency, but you wouldn't know that from their overuse of hand sanitizer), also known as "Howie Mandel's Candy Store" [cut to a shot where everyone is rushing to the hand sanitizers under an "Employees Must Wash Hands Constantly" sign] as we see one of the many reoccurring themes in current Dr. Seuss productions: weak suburban commentary!

The Not-Caring Meter:

Jeremy Irons in Dungeons & Dragons

Halle Berry in Catwoman

Russell Crowe in...everything he's in

Dennis Hopper in Super Mario Bros.

Tommy Lee Jones in Batman Forever

Keanu Reeves in The Matrix

How high did Sean Hayes get on the meter? At the top with Jeremy Irons, resulting in the Critic and Evilina doing Irons' infamous hiss together.

The Critic states Mike Myers wasn't that funny and everybody gasps. Even Satan calls to exclaim a big "What?!"

And shortly afterwards, Soulless and Evilina getting him to admit that Jim Carrey as the Grinch was better.

Critic: It doesn't mean it was good, but Carrey had a clear character: an eccentric grump. And his face was expressive enough to work its way through all that make-up. Myers seems to have two expressions: "pedo smile" and "happy I shit my pants". On top of that, Carrey had enough energy to become one with the costume. He worked with it to show how fully animated his body could be. With Myers, it always looks like he's restrained by it, like he's fighting against it. Every time he's done with a take, it looks like he's gonna pass out on Dakota Fanning. Even the costume looks like a cheap cut out you stick your face into! Except it's being worn by one of the Wayans brothers from White Chicks. I don't necessarily blame Myers for this. It just wasn't the right casting. And to be fair, how can anyone make a joke like this in a Dr. Seuss movie work? [shows the dick innuendo joke where the Cat looks at a photo of Joan Walden, pulls it apart like its a Playboy centerfold, and his hat springs straight up]

The Critic suggesting that the Dr. Seuss movie logo oughta be changed to something that sums up the whole movie. Cue the "A Cat in the Hat Presentation" logo displaying, only inside the circle is Lickboot saying "We've GOT to have....MONEY!" Then Mike Myers' Cat saying "Cha-ching!"

Towards the end of the movie, The Cat essentially points out that the song that plays during the house cleaning was put in to help sell the soundtrack, Souless' explanation is as such:

Followed by Evilina hitting the Critic, saying it was painful so that means it no longer is, resulting in the Critic hitting her back.

Did Seinfeld Lie to Us?

Top 11 South Park Episodes

While talking about the episode "Britney's New Look" Critic tries to restrain himself from going on a rant about how much he hates TMZ, but ultimately decides "Fuck it" and goes on a rant about why TMZ is the worst show ever and why you have no lifefor watching it.

Throughout the episode, the Critic glances at Malcolm, Rachel, and Uncle Yo playing Straw Fans whenever he's about to say something that he knows a lot of people will disagree with. At the end, just when he thinks he's curbed the Fan Dumb's anger, they start furiously typing away at their keyboards. The Critic then morphs into the South Park art style and tells them off in a Cartman impersonation.

Not to mention the absurd twitching expression he makes before his head explodes and he transforms.

He mentions that it is highly likely some of the viewer's favorite episodes will not be on his list because "it's fucking South Park", and proceeds to declare a Top 30 or Top 50 list would be more appropriate for most fans to rank their favorites because it has so many awesome episodes worth mentioning.

Critic getting beaten up for saying that the movie wasn't quite as awesome as it once was.

The skit about how implausible scientists can find a bunch of mosquito fossils that all coincidentally have dinosaur DNA in their bodies. note (In the novel, a character mentions that Hammond's company has been buying up a lot of mosquito fossils, and the second book establishes that they had a lot of failures and that the cute little assembly line shown in the film was clearly too small.)

The running gag about how John Hammond repeatedly "Spared no expense."

"And the moral of this story is, when a white Scottish man [Richard Attenborough] offers you to see his park, you say no."

Critic wonders why the workers at Jurassic Park didn't tranquilize the velociraptors before transferring them into the park, leading to an Imagine Spot where he, Malcolm and Rachel attempt to do it only for the raptor to effortlessly catch the dart and flick it back at Rachel.

The intro has him being asked to serve as a guest host on the show, and so dumbstruck by the amount of cynical stupidity on display that he immediately hopes there's a commercial break coming up.

One section has Harvey Levin quickly going through a bunch of pictures of celebrities to choose which ones to do stories on, with the others barking like seals for "yes" and shaking their heads vigorously to say "no". One of the "celebrities" shown is Linkara.

Reading the guidelines for hosts on TMZ, he exclaims "My God...these are the same instructions you'd give to a prostitute!"

The Critic explaining that in the movie, pregnancy must be sanctioned to stabilize the population after the ice caps melted. Cue picture of Al Gore grabbing his crotch next to Rush Limbaugh, accompanied by Homer Simpson's "Woohoo!"

When we first see the Flesh Fair, "Welcome to the Kubrick-Spielberg collaboration, everybody. Doesn't it look exactly how you thought it would look? Oh, the artistic majesty. Oh, the visual wonder. Oh, the...Chris Rock-bot?"

Subsequently, while pointing out that the Chris Rock-bot was probably not part of Kubrick's vision, Critic wonders what would happen if Rock were alive and Kubrick had used him in his 1960s flicks. Cue the appearance of the Chris Rock 9000:

Dave: Open the pod-bay doors, Hal.

Chris Rock 9000: Eeeeeh, no!

Dave: Open the doors.

Chris Rock 9000: Nnno!

Dave: What's the problem?

Chris Rock 9000: Crackalacka, you gots to go!

Dave: What're you talking about, Hal?

Chris Rock 9000: I gotta get this part right, or I'm gonna have nothing but shitty movies for the rest of my life!

Critic: It's not like anybody would grow attached to him with his big puppydog-eyes, innocent smile and will to love past the end of time. I mean, Jesus. What if kids in the 90s had to get rid of their Furbies the exact same way?

(cut to Furbie-camera perspective and the Dad pinning him to the floor with a hammer in the other hand)

Son: (sobbing off-screen) Daddy, no!

Doug!Dad: I'm sorry, son, but you read the instructions. Once it starts malfunctioning he has to be bludgeoned to death as violently as possible.

The nannybot's first appearance, who has a face but no sides to her head:

NC: Just posing for the camera to show off that effect...okay!

The Nostalgia Critic getting back at TMZ by declaring "If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them." But, instead of going after celebrities, he films the TMZ doing stupid things, and posts that on the Internet.

The people at TMZ emulating the the scene in AI where they sit in front of an inanimate object, believing something will come true by repeating a plea over and over again.

Among these scenes is Ms. Louis declaring "you were amazing", followed by a sheep baaing offscreen. Meanwhile, Mr. Erin and Mrs. Adams are having an affair, and there's an audio clip of Mr. Norton using some choice words against the Chinese.

After the creepy scene of David laughing which was apparently supposed to be endearing, the Critic notes that Monica "figures that's enough to push the I-love-you-forever button, which programs the child to never stop obsessing over her 'till the end of his days. Boy, if they knew that was the selling point for most parents, they'd have him laugh at even more things!"

The Critic opens the review with a sullen face, tapping his desk to bring up one-line reviews by Roger Ebert, Entertainment Weekly, Richard Roeper...and Mike Nelson. He even does a double-take and shudders upon seeing Nelson's name.

Critic: You mean he wasn't already? [realizes] Oh God...Is that going to be the voice he's gonna use throughout the majority of the movie?! ["YES"] Inject me! Inject me right now! Come on, kill me! [Rachel Tietz is suddenly grabbing his arm and trying to stick a needle into it] I don't want to wait to die! Just- HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! [Critic pushes Rachel's hand away] What are you doing?!

Rachel: You said to stick you.

Critic: ...It was a joke, Rachel!

Rachel: Ooooh!...Okay. [fiddles with the needle]

[beat]

Critic: ...Were you just standing with a syringe in the corner the whole time?

Rachel: ...well, You know, eh... [quietly steps out of frame as the Critic turns back to the camera, covering his arm back up with his sleeve]

The second time, he's reacting to Pistachio's dumb smile:

Critic: Look, that face might entertain your one year old for an hour and a half, but asshole, YOU WERE ON SNL! YOU HAVE TO KNOW MORE THAN THIS!! I mean it's like somebody chopping off my head with a sword, and nobody ever having a reaction! [beat] Okay, is this gonna be like a thing with you? [camera cuts back to a wider angle to reveal Rachel with a sword in her hand, ready to swing at him] Seriously, every single time I make a joke, am I gonna have to look behind my back to make sure you're not gonna kill me?

The Critic next shows the "notes" he took during the Indian disguise on his laptop, reading "KILL ME WITH FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!" He wised up quickly.

Pistachio takes out three ninjas by practically slapping them across the face the exact same way. For some reason, the other heavily armed ninjas are all scared into running away instead of using their knives.

Critic: Really? Fucking really? He does the exact same move three times and that scares all the ninjas away? One move? ONE FUCKING MOVE?! I mean it's like me using one move to fight off... RoboCop... in an Iron Man mask... with a Mariachi hat... carrying a bow and arrow... with duck shoes-[cut to show that Rachel is wearing every single one of these items, and is about to shoot the Critic with a bow and arrow]WHAT IS GOING ON ?! No, seriously! What is going on?! What is all this?! [Rachel takes off the Iron Man mask and Mariachi hat]

Because the evil villain Devlin Bowman is played by Brent Spiner, he constantly refers the villain as Lore.

The increasingly sardonic commentary on the "Turtle Club" scene. To explain: the scene has Pistachio go into this club, dressed up like a turtle and speaking like he's Kermit the Frog, and he never says much more than the word "Turtle" repeatedly throughout the entire scene. The Critic thinks that the brilliance of the scene should be held up to the great comedic masters of early television, like Who's On First, Groucho In The Mirror, and Lucy And The Chocolates. In fact, he adds that the "Turtle Scene" was discussed in a Turner Classic Movies segment that analyzed the "Brilliant Comedic Writers" of any generation. Cut to Malcolm Ray as "Professor Birmingham Dickens" with a posh accent and pipe, being interviewed:

Prof. Birmingham Dickens: Well it's not so much the misconception that one would perceive a Turtle Club to be merely for reptiles, but the fact that he repeats the word "Turtle" over and over. [puts pipe in his mouth]

[beat]

Off-screen Interviewer: I don't get it. [Dickens takes the pipe out of his mouth]

The Critic tracking the rise and fall of the movie's Running Gag about Devlin Bowman farting when he gives an Evil Laugh.

Malcolm as the incarnate spirit of said fart joke, the Breaking of the Wind.

The climax has Rachel holding the Critic at gunpoint for forgetting her birthday, at which point she farts and they both crack up...which lasts until the Critic knocks her out.

Critic: You're fired. And happy birthday.

Critic's reaction when Jennifer Esposito's character Jennifer Baker is introduced and they are joking about her having a small butt for the job.

Critic: *jawdrops* You know... Has this actress gone on to anything else? *shows she has worked in: Crash, Rescue Me, The Looney Tunes Show, Blue Bloods* Okay, good, so she's doing well. That's good. Uhm... I'm gonna write her an apology card anyway, 'cause Lord knows, somebody has to apologize to her.*writes down* "Deepest condolences. Nostalgia Critic." There we go. Yeah, I-I mean, you know, it won't make up for it, but something to ease the pain. *Beat* And some chocolates, you know, something nice to send her, maybe she can just look and say "Hey, maybe it wasn't all that bad" So chocolates, you know. Just... Something to... just something. *Beat* And a check. You know. I mean, for God's sake, I mean... I'm sure she got paid, but whatever she got paid, huh, it wasn't enough. *starts writing on a check*

The Critic freaking out at the end when the footage running over the end credits false-ends multiple times, which results in him running to the Happy Madison Productions building and destroying it.

What Does The Secret of NIMH Mean?

Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie

Rachel as Rita Repulsa (with very bad lip syncing supplied by Doug), Malcolm as Zordon, and adopting the Power Rangers theme to include the Nostalgia Critic, before the Critic cuts it off. EPIC!

When Rocky manages to throw himself out of the ring, Critic wonders if what Rocky did is even doable. Cut to Jim teaching the Critic to do kicks...and the Critic promptly jumps and flies into the audience, complete with a Goofy holler.

After the Nostalgia Critic tries to placate Rachel!Rita for her cameo in the movie, she retorts that it was in her pajamas and asks him if he likes to imagine her and Lord Zedd doing it. It takes a moment for the squick to settle in for the Critic.

The Critic's reaction to the new Blue Ranger growing to adult size upon morphing. Openly wondering if he uses it to pick up women in bars.

Blue Ranger: No really babe, I'm 18. Now what do you say we go to my bunk bed, and I unzip my fly, and never take this costume off.

Santa Christ saying "is it Seacrest? Is he safe?" while Doug and Malcolm talk about American Idol

The return of "I'M A MOTHERFUCKIN' T-REX!"

The skits demonstrating other ways they could have gotten the ring to Mount Doom, with Doug as Aragorn, Rachel as Legolas, and Malcolm as Gimli. One has Rachel!Legolas tying the ring to an arrow and shooting it at the mountain (once from very far away from Mordor, and the other at The Black Gate, when Critic talks about the Mouth of Sauron scene being cut out of the movie), and another has Malcolm!Gimli tossing it into the flames while riding an eagle.

Mentioning how ridiculous the plot resolution to Sam being framed by Gollum as having eaten the last of the food was, since Sam knew he was set up and yet was actually leaving Frodo when Frodo told him to go until discovering the bread farther down the mountain.

Critic!!Samwise Gamgee: ...So I didn't eat it!

At one point, Critic adopts a Sean Connery accent when imitating Gimli.

Lampshading all the times the characters seem to be dead and then come back.

Critic: In fact, I think the only reason Boromir didn't come back is because Sean Bean has it in his contract that he has to die in every single movie he's in. And stay dead!

The Critic complaining about Gimli not being a dignified representation of the dwarves and being cutoff midsentence when Gimli farts.

Critic!Boromir: No, no. He's gone. Critic!Gandalf: Bullshit I am! I'm right here. Critic!Boromir: He's never coming back. Critic!Gandalf: I haven't even left yet. Critic!Boromir: We must move on without him. Critic!Gandalf: I can hear every word you just said. Critic!Boromir: Remember he told us to fly. Critic!Gandalf: Yes. Fly forward and grab me, please. Critic!Boromir: He will live forever in our hearts. Critic!Gandalf: I'd rather much live the real way. Critic!Boromir: Our friend... Is gone. Critic!Gandalf: Oh, fuck this. (falls) Tell Bilbo I never liked HIM!!!

At #6, The Critic having a "Denethor. Just... Denethor" Reaction and complaining about Denethor's portrayal and how some people say he is a ShakespeareanVillain: being very complex and very simpathetic, cutting to a Big "NO!" screaming Denethor and prompting him to say: "Well, I'm glad you guys saw that, but for me, I just saw a crazyasshole". Then saying that after having the closest thing to a good redemption scene, Denethor burns to death.

Which leads to a rather well-researched discussion of how the age of consent in Japan is 13, a couple pros and cons of that (interspersed with Homer's "that's good, that's bad" routine), and concludes that it's just Values Dissonance between the cultures. He then gets to the real question: why did he put Sailor Moon in his Top 11 Animated Hotties?

Critic: I didn't know! I swear to God I didn't know! Look at the way they're drawn, man! I thought they were college age or at least late high school! I swear, officer-I mean audience!

Illustrating the less savory side of the fans ("that creepy guy who fixes your computer") with what appears to be the infamous Sailor Bubba.

Goddamn near ANYTHING involving the Critic's talking penis. It eventually holds NC at gunpoint.

Doubles as a Call Back to his crossover with Mara Wilson and him looking like a real nerd with acne, braces, glasses and "grunge-era hairstyle".

Him pointing out how messed up it is that the people responsible for bringing the show to America apparently thought it was ok to sexualize 14 year olds, but drew the line at Sailors Uranus and Neptune being a lesbian couple.

Wondering why Serena doesn't use her transformation pen for better uses than disguises, since they never state there's a limit on what she can transform into. Cue edited footage of Serena using her pen to transform into Godzilla and just stepping on the bad guys.

Critic!Serena: Take on the form of Godzilla! *transforms into Godzilla, roars, and then stomps on the bad guys*

Paw: We can't have him in the review! Critic: Do you think I don't know that?! Oancitizen: We have to get rid of him. He's like a musical Armaggedon. Paw: The movie or the event? Oancitizen: Does it matter?!

Getting rid of Floss.

Critic: We would like the role much better if you played it as Dr. Mario. Paw: We would? Critic: Shut up. — Oancitizen: ...that would require you going to medical school. Floss: How long does that take? Critic: Only a couple days.Paw: It does? Oancitizen: [punches him] Critic: If he does that again you can shoot him.— Floss: Awesome! That's a great idea! Well, see you guys in a few days! Oancitizen: Oh! And if anyone tells you otherwise... they're liars!

Oancitizen being disconcerted by the existence of Arm Joe, the Les Misérablesfighting game.

When the actual review begins, Russell Crowe appears singing and the three reviewers recoil in fear.

Paw: Well, you can't say that the pacing of this movie is bad! (fries in their stares, makes ineffectual rimshot motions) Critic: No, no! It only works if I do it. [makes rimshot motions; "badum-chish" plays]

The Critic's disbelief that Valjean is suddenly mayor in the next scene:

Critic: No one just goes from being a runaway fugitive to being the mayor of an entire town!

Linkara showing up randomly and protesting that they were doing a musical review without him.

Critic: Kyle. Deal with it. [Oancitizen starts performing the firing of Fantine part] Linkara: Okay, if you're going to insult me, don't do it in song. Oancitizen: Fine, then I'll just say it's my turn to shine and shut the door on you. [does so] Critic: Think he'll be okay? Oancitizen: Oh, he'll be fine. Paw: I'm sure he'll get over it. [cut to Linkara singing a parody of I Dream A Dream about how he's not impressed by Anne Hathaway doing it in one take, only for Sci-Fi Guy to butt in to recover his iPod...twice...and be repelled with violence]

The third time he appears (attempting to return Linkara's fallen hat) caused Linkara to scream at him to "GET IN THE CORNER!"

Paw explaining why Valjean revealed his true identity:

Paw: (In Motor Mouth) Well, because another man was confused for him, so coincidentally been brought to the court on the same day so Valjean'd reveal himself in the courtroom, Javert was also there, so the judge for some reason lets him leave so he could go to the hospital where Javert could catch him later. Critic: (Beat) Oh! That old story!

"Why didn't you use their character names?" "Because they're Helena Bonham Carter and Sacha Baron Cohen. That's who they always play."

Then Malcolm and Rachel show up to sing a musical number about why those two were there and why they were the Thenardiers.

"THEY'RE RAPING SANTA!!!"

Paw: But they shake it up by some upbeat humor like... Oh, GOD! ARE THEY RAPING SANTA?!

Oancitizen: Wouldn't that be technically be "Father Christmas"?

Critic: I thought it would be "Père Noël".

Paw: Who cares?! THEY ARE RAPING SANTA!

Critic: Well, maybe there was the way to make it into a Christmas film. I can just see the ads now. Les Misérables: A Musical wrapped with death, starvation and raping Santa. Fa La La La La

(Captions in red and green: MERRY CHRISTMAS! FA LA LA LA LA)

"So, Valjean shows up to take Cosette away...who seems to take the whole 'dead mother thing' pretty well. I'd dare even say it's just glanced over. But, to be fair, if you were a girl, you'd probably be happy to suddenly have Wolverine as your father, too."

"Not since I shook my head in a room with no lights on have I seen an action scene so well shot".

"Whenever confrontation pops up, they shouldn't just run and hide!" [knock on the door] "It's Brentalfloss." "Run and hide!" Then they do, in the closet.

Critic: Insert coming out of the closet joke here. Paw: [does rimshot motions, get the sound] Hey, I got it.

Paw gets a romantic duet with Elisa Hansen, who he fell in love with at first sight, singing about how stupid it is when characters fall in love at first sight. Even a Kermit the Frog hand-puppet is bemused.note (This is made funnier when you learn Paw and Elisa are engaged in real life)

Critic: This review is carrying more subplots than the movie.Oancitizen: At least we couldn't possibly carry any more. Todd in the Shadows: (bursts through the door) Guys, you won't believe what I sawï¿½ Critic and Oancitizen: NO! No. No. No! Todd: It was a platypus bunny! Oancitizen: ...What's a platypus bunny? Critic: ...Don't ask, we can't let ourselves be drawn in! Todd: It had plaid-coloured skin! And a tail made out of webbed feet! Critic: OUT! Oancitizen: ...A tail made out of webbed feet? Critic: I'm sure it's not as impressive as it sounds.

The entire "One Big Song" musical number before the commercial break.

Todd passionately belting "PLATYPUS BUNNY!" at the top of his voice.

And of course, right before it goes to commercial, The platypus bunny appears to sing the last note.

"Eponine sings a song about the Friend Zone, and Marius sings like he swallowed an oboe. Judging by his voice, Marius is going to grow up to be Charlie Brown's teacher." Cue Marius's voice edited by the trombone wah-wahs of the Peanuts cartoons.

"I want to feel emotion for these characters, not count how many zits they have."

Oancitizen attempting to have his solo, only to be interrupted by Elisa, the Critic, and then Nella, whom he cat-hisses at. Finally, he launches into a parody of "Stars" dealing with boring cinematography. And at the end, Critic is asleep and Paw and vampire-obsessed Elisa are cuddling.

Oancitizen: There's a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon on downstairs. Elisa: Girl power and vampires?! (runs off, causing Paw to fall off the bed they were sitting on and land on the floor with a thump) Paw: (In a squeeky voice) Cockblocker!

"And strangely enough, Crowe actually does manage to...act in this scene. For a brief moment, it actually sounds like he gives a damn."

The reaction of the three reviewers when Crowe goes back to his usual singing voice.

Critic and Paw's relentless mockery of Colm Wilkinson's Jean Valjean and the way he sang the word "home" in the "Bring Him Home" segment in the epilogue (as performed in the 1995 concert). Made doubly hilarious by Oancitizen's silent, discontented expression throughout.

The three reviewers pouting at the camera, while the image turns into a drawing resembling the cover of the book.

"Damned if I'll live in the debt of a thief. Damned if I'll yield at the end of the chase. I am the lawï¿½"

Paw using his hands to make a "won't shut up" gesture whenever Kyle is delivering a speech.

The realization that Doug looks a full head shorter than everyone else due to the mattress sagging.

Top 11 Adult Jokes We Never Got As Kids

As the Critic is training in Bending at the beginning, he accidentally blows up his instructor standing behind him. After seeing what he did, he pulls a Screw This, I'm Outta Here!.

The Last Airbender

Pointing out that criticizing the pronunciations of character names would be too hypocritical of him. In his recap series of each episode, he mispronounced several character names the exact same way, including "Sowka" and "Eeroh." Even in the review itself, he mispronounces "Zhao" as "Chow."

The whole rant regarding how wimpy Shyamalan's Earthbenders are compared to those in the original series. After the above takes place (in which five to six Earthbenders succeed only in levitating a head-sized clump of dirt and tossing it at one guy just hard enough to knock him down), the Critic then shows a scene from the series in which six Earth Kingdom soldiers (and only three of them were actually doing something) chuck a tank into the air like it was a toy, and with far less effort.

The plethora of jokes and his utter enthusiasm about Yue's unfortunate hair: "So Aang and the team finally made their way to the North Pole and — (about to get to the infamous Penis hair◊ shot) Oh god. Is this it? It's gotta be, please be it. (Starts playing Beethoven's 'Ode to Joy' as the Penis hair enters the frame) OH MY GOD! It's even more phallic than I imagined! The stories were true! Gaze into the Holy Grail of comedic possibilities. Oh my god! There's too many jokes to choose from! Which one should I go with? Which one should I go with?"

Does that require a Blowdry or a Blowjob? Are haircuts known as circumcisions? I said 'Public Hair' not 'Pubic Hair'! Does this make Queen Amidala's hair look less vaginal or more vaginal? When you said your hair is a dick to comb, I didn't know you meant a DICK to comb. Does the rug match the prick shaped drapes? You might be the only female I can get away with calling dick head. So, when you say you're washing your hair tonight, does that technically count as masturbating? This is great, I can technically reach first AND second base both at the same time. You're making the Coneheads look modest. Is that a cock on your block or are you just happy to see me? Now I know why they call you 'Hard Head'. What does she use for a headband, a censor bar? Was your hooker name 'Tip of the Iceberg'? Well, two heads are better than one. Seeing how you're royalty, do they crown you with a cock ring? I'm gonna guess and say night caps and condoms are pretty much the same for you. Pardon me your highness, but your hair looks like a giant penis.

And after he uses the highlighted joke, a Rim Shot plays... that syncs with the BGM perfectly.

Rachel!Katara using bloodbending on the Critic, and then justifying it by saying that if M. Night Shyamalan has unlimited control, why shouldn't she?

The hilarious, yet accurate song that summarizes all three seasons in one minute and ends by saying that the best Avatar ain't that blue pussy turd.

How it begins: Starts with Malcolm!Sokka saying "Katara (pronounced as in the movie)... Guitarra!". Rachel!Katara pulls out a guitar, strums it, then she, Critic, and Malcolm!Sokka sing "spoilers!" and Chester appears singing "Go to this part [of the video] 3:30 if you haven't seen the show yet!"

Speaking of the song, following the line "Four nations exist called Earth, Fire, Wind, and Water", there is a Freeze-Frame Bonus of Ma-Ti, from Captain Planet, with the element of Heart.

The stuff written on Shyamalan's Amon mask, laying out every famous Plot Twist from all his movies... with the phrase "Oscar Nominated Writer" written on the red circle on his forehead, and several statements about Shyamalan's ego.

Using the clips from "The Ember Island Players" episode to show the characters of the original show snarking at their live action versions.

The intro, which parodies the intro of the show and summarizes the franchise up to this point.

Rachel!Katara: (narrating) Water, Earth, Fire. Long ago, the three seasons lived together in harmony. But then, everything changed when the Shyamalan attacked.

[The Fire Nation is represented here as a camera crew in front of the Hollywood Sign, with a red filter applied to the backdrop]

Rachel!Katara: Only the Avidjerk [who is Doug standing on top of a mountain, angrily spewing water, air, and fire and kicking up earth with each stomp] master of ripping films apart, could restore balance. But when the world needed him most, he vanished.

[A poster for the movie appears behind Doug, causing him to mutter "Oh, fuck this noise!" and walk off. Cut to Rachel!Katara and Malcolm!Sokka appearing before the Nostalgia Critic.]

Rachel!Katara: Several years passed and my brother and I discovered the new Avidjerk, a reviewer named Nostalgia Critic. And although his critiquing skills are great, he still has much to learn before he can save anything. [Critic tries to run off, and Rachel!Katara bloodbends him into a wall] But I believe Nostalgia Critic can save the franchise. [Critic ducks as the title appears]

Rachel: The prince didn't like his uncle. *picture of David Tennant in Hamlet costume* Hijinks ensued. *cut to a picture of him about to kill Sir Patrick Stewart's Claudius with a crazed look on his face* * WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN*

When Gran-Gran is telling Katara and Sokka about the Avatar:

Gran-Gran: Yes, there are some spirits that live hidden among us. I'm sure they're watching us with great sadness. Critic!Gran-Gran: Or maybe that's the audience. Either way, great sadness.

After admitting Aasif Mandvi (Commander Zhao), Shaun Toub (Iroh) and Dev Patel (Zuko) were the only decent actors in the film and explains that at least Iroh and Zuko emoted enough to have more emotional scenes, they get cut away by story progression. You can tell Iroh is telling Zuko, "By the way, nephew. As your uncle, I care for you very mu-Oh, more story, more story! Sorry, sorry, more story!"

"But Aang wakes up and escapes Zuko through the most masterful approach possible: reenacting a Tom and Jerry routine!"

Aang coming to save the Critic from Shyamalan, and being incredibly apathetic about it.

When criticizing the fact that Aang's backstory is compressed to a sentence and a half, Critic points out, "But hey, that's just one of the minor major plot devices that probably should've been explored more. Missing also is Suki, Jet, the pirates, Bumbi, the fortuneteller, the Warriors of Kyoshi, Sokka's sense of humor, Katara's strength and motherly wisdom, and any form of fun and enjoyability that the show was so good at balancing out, BUT..... it's okay. Because we have that guy from The Daily Show!" *cue foamy mouth guy*

"So both Aang and Katara master their waterbending from Billy Connolly-Theoden, and as you can see... there's no stopping their incredible abilities now. Look at all that water fly. [...and nothing's happening] Nobody dare cross the phenomenal power that these two— Okay, here's another problem with the movie: the bending takes forever! The original keeps the action quick and exciting, as... well, action should be! Maybe two moves could do something impressive. But here, I could heat up a Hot Pocket before these guys do anything exciting! If the opening was being honest, here's how it should really go:"

*A water bender does a lot of complex movement but no water is made*

Rachel!Katara: Water.

(beat)

Rachel!Katara: Water.

(beat; Rachel!!Narrator gets increasingly frustrated)

Rachel!Katara: WATER!

*A tiny splash is made*

Water Bender: *a la Sokka* Water Tribe! *gets shot*

When the Critic regains past memories regarding the show, he remembers the characters, story... and the fans' focus on how names were pronounced rather than the episodes' themes.

And if you're still not convinced if what he did was the right choice, take a look at how he turns out a few years later: (Sudden Jump Cut to a clip of Rain Man, also played by Dustin Hoffman, having a nervous breakdown and screaming.) Life's a bitch. I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it so YOU don't have to!

Jess saying he doesn't want to use the sneakers his mom suggested because they're pink and look like a girl's shoesnote (they were hand-me-downs from his sister), the Critic suggests to write "Friendship is Magic" on them for the bronies to leave him alone.

(the last bit of the 1985 Walt Disney Pictures fanfare is heard as "That Just Bought Us 5 More Disney Sequels!" appears)

Whimsical Digestion

"IT'S A FRIGGIN' ROPE!"

The Critic making fun of the Mundane Made Awesome rope scene by waving his arms around and saying "WEEEEE!"... while using the toilet and leaving Malcolm and Rachel outside. When Malcolm tells him to take his childhood fantasies somewhere else, the Critic says that they aren't enchanted. Then, Malcolm goes into the bathroom and does what the Critic was just doing.

The Critic says that Leslie goes way too deep into detail and perhaps it is pathological. So we cut to a gag showing what would have happened if Leslie survived the movie: the adult Leslie (played by Rachel) meets up with adult Jess (Doug) for dinner. When Jess brings up Terabithia, he's unsettled to find she still thinks she's in Terabithia. Turns out she's a sanity-depraved maniac, which prompts Jess to hastily depart. After that, she's seen channeling Francis Dolarhyde to torture Malcolm in the basement.

Announcer: Witness the horror. Witness the terror. Witness a famous actor playing that scary role every famous actor wants to play at least once in their career. [shot of Ms. Edmunds]Zooey Deschanel. [shot of Josh Hutcherson] Hunger Games Joke. The Field Trip. Brought to you by Disney. [imitates last few notes of the Walt Disney Pictures 1985 fanfare]

The Critic notes that as animated bubbles float from Leslie's mouth while she reads her paper, the film initially suggests the fantasy scenes will be in a handdrawn style mixed with live-action, but the rest of the movie uses normal CGI. It's like if, for some reason, the Critic were to change up styles in the middle of the review to reflect something like Frank Miller. Cut to black-and-white shots of Critic sitting on a rooftop with a sprawling city as the backdrop; there are bandages on his face, and besides him stands Malcolm Ray dressed in Nazi attire.

Critic mentioning that the filming location was built on "a harmless Indian Burial Ground that rests below the hulky remains of a burned down insane asylum for schizophrenic homicidal orphans...and vampire puppies."

The Critic discussing the Stephen King Miniseries and cutting into it for entertaining people which he himself does. He then asks Pennywise if he was in to help him through it and Pennywise's response is:

Pennywise: Oh yes.

Saying Danny's mouth looks like Napoleon Dynamite and that "funny-looking children have just as much a right to made fun of as any other person". Cut to a picture of Doug as a child in a children's camp.

When they return to the studio to help the Critic, Malcolm, knowing what's probably waiting for them, is clad from head to toe in medieval armor. As the Critic finally snaps and tries to bring a door down, he screams "SOMEBODY HAS TO PAY!" and he turns around. Guess who is standing behind with a pumpkin guacamole.

Malcolm in White Face after using a kit labeled "use in case of crazy white person" and it works in confusing the Critic.

Malcolm: ... I was just walking through, reading my James Patterson novel and listening to Wrecking Ball.

Even Rachel falls for it when she sees them.

Rachel: Critic! Random white person! I found something that the King version did better than Kubrick!

Critic: What?

Malcolm: Fo' schnizel?

The ghosts trying to convince the couple to pay attention to them while the two are quietly talking in bed.

The Nostalgia Critic complaining about Stephen King putting blood and teeth on things that aren't scary.

Critic: Oh for God's sake, just because you put blood or teeth on something doesn't mean we're going to be automatically frightened by it. I mean can you think of an instance where you just took something random and you put blood or teeth on it and that instantly wor-

''All talk and no scares makes mini-series dull shit. All talk and no scares makes mini-series dull shit. (Repeat 4 million times) You know, I could really go for some Pumpkin Tacos... Eh, Fuck it. All talk and no scares makes mini-series dull shit.

The Critic imagining what A Trip to the Moon would be like if Georges Méliès had simply talked about everything that happened rather than actually showing it.

Critic as Méliès: So they got in this very flat, stange-looking device that kinda looked like a penis...

The Critic adding in cartoon sound effects to Jack beating Dick to death with a croquet mallet... and once again adding in the Colm Wilkinson sound from his Les Mis review into it at the end.

Critic chasing Malcolm while the two argue about black people dying in horror movies, which turns into them wondering why people thought Alien vs. Predator was that bad.

When the Critic realizes Stephen King did something better than Stanley Kubrick (Jack's character), he sits down to process the information. Cue a shot of him with the same face as Jack when found frozen while Rachel and Malcolm decide to just leave him there.

Even funnier is the Critic's "zombie" look - which is basically a slack-jawed Clint Squint, his Nice Hat and shirt mussed up, and his glasses dangling from one of his ears.

Sharknado

Critic starting to say his "Boomer...will live!" running gag, yet stopping and then stating that he already did a "Zuul Motherfucka Zuul" joke in the previous review and it should hold the audience over.

Cue her talking to her "acting coach", in reality an Alien-Commander (who turns out to be Kristen Stewart (also Rachel Tietz) reading a script labled: Stephenie Meyer's Caligula: A fisting full of sparkles).

Director: Alright, you ready, Tara?

Rachel!Tara:(normal voice) Yes.

Director: Action.

'Rachel!Tara:[wooden] Oh no, a sharknado. [She turns around and pulls her hair off to the side, showing the back of her neck]

Director: Cut! Well, she's awful, but she's gotta a damn good back of a neck. On with the next scene!

The Critic wonders if John Heard was actually cast as George or the crew just stumbled on him at the bar. Cinema Snob counters that he actually came as part of a normal B-movie package. We next see Malcolm on the phone, asking about the various B-movie packages that The Asylum offers:

For the Gold Package, you get: the special effects team that did Ghost Shark, a guaranteed sequel (even if the first movie is a Box Office Bomb), and for no additional charge, we'll throw in a role for John Heard.

For the Silver Package, you get: The leftover CGI from Reboot, a Direct-to-DVD release, and a cameo by Billy Zane.

For the Bronze Package, you get: Gary Busey. This one makes Malcolm shudder, and immediately go for the Gold Package.

When the characters get a gas leak in the car, we never see a spark but the car still explodes for no reason. The Critic and Snob wonder if gasoline is the nitroglycerine of sensitive liquids in the world of crappy movies. We cut to Malcolm walking up to his car with a gas jug. He unscrews the safety cap to the tank, and the car blows up even though the gas can isn't even touching the car.

Should We Scare the S*** Out of Our Kids?

The Headless Horseman from the Disney cartoon is shown carrying the Nostalgia Critic's head in the thumbnail of the video.

Devil

Three words: JELLY SIDE DOWN!!!

To elaborate, the guard who believes the Devil is among the passengers of the elevator has a very weird and stupid argument: when the Devil is near, toast will fall and hit the floor facing jelly side down. We cut to the "Kitchen of Demonic Testing. Diocese of Baked Goods", where members of the Vatican church about to conclude a weekly session of tests to see if the Devil has returned. After noting that the chocolate icing on a donut was equally distributed across the donut, the cream in the coffee swirled in the right direction, and the mustard from a ham sandwich on rye did not drip all the way to the floor, they perform their beloved toast test. Of course, since they've been doing this every week for the past 180 years and not once has it landed on the wrong side, the priest about to conduct tells the others can all start preparing to go home. The priest drops the bread...and it lands jelly side down. Cue the priests going absolutely nuts, screaming the above quote and beating each other up.

Afterwards, Rita decides to test it out using a piece of jellied toast courtesy of Santa Christ. The falling piece of toast screeches to a stop in midair, flips over so that the jelly side is facing down, then resumes falling.

Rita: ... Best outta three!!

The setup alone is pretty hilarious. The Nostalgia Critic, the Devil, Santa Christ and Rita Repulsa are stuck in an elevator. It's like the opening to a classic joke.

Keep watching Santa Christ in that opening shot. He's on his phone, glances over at Rita Repulsa's ridiculously protruding chest, and raises his eyebrows before subtly pivoting to snap a photo just as the lights go out. He does it again- far less subtly- when the movie starts playing.

The Stinger involving him plugging Gameception in a very rapid-fire manner.

The twist after the credits that it was Cthulhu who was behind everything. Cue a transformation from Rita Repulsa's corpse into a very unconvincing Cthulhu.

It becomes even more hilarious if you have actually read the original short story and are familiar with HP Lovecraft's description of him as "a mountain", not to mention the whole thing about him being trapped in the sunken city of R'lyeh who easily destroyed a group of sailors and left the one survivor to such madness as to turn his hair white. Here, it's just a guy in a robe and a not very convincing tentacle mask.

It's also a call-back to Santa Christ's screenplay, which is almost the exact same as Devil except with Cthulhu as the killer.

Which becomes even more hilarious when you've read Lovecraft's stories and realize it makes even less sense than what the Devil is shown doing in the film.

The Devil reveals that he put selfies in the Paranormal Activity movies. Cue a clip of the movie interspersed with pictures of him goofing off in front of scenery, complete with goofy music to match.

The Running Gag of the other characters turning to the Devil in disbelief when they see what the version of him in the film gets up to, such as biting people, putting the aforementioned selfie in, and appearing like Jack Skellington wrapped ductape. Eventually he gets to anticipate this and says in exasperation, "And turn," as Critic and Santa Christ turn to confront him yet again.

After Santa Christ and Critic still question all the holes in Satan's impractical approach of killing five people with a camera recording:

Satan: Look. I just need a "Stupid Day". You know how some companies have "Funny Hat Day" or "Casual Clothes Day". Well I have "STUPID DAY", When I pick ONE DAY and don't do anything that makes sense whatsoever.

Santa Christ: ... You're really bad at this.

Satan: SHUT UP!!

Santa Christ: (to himself) ...[I've] had bowls of oatmeal more threatening than him.

Santa Christ's frustration with the superstitious guard boils over: "Oh, for the love of ME, will you stop giving him attention!"

After Satan's death, the Critic and Santa Christ freak out and think the other is the killer. Then the Critic goes into fridge logic if Santa Christ was the murderer, he just murdered SATAN. Which is a very good thing.

And Santa Christ's threats. "Don't make Santa Christ gut you like a baby seal!" and "Don't make me fill you full of ho-ho-holes!!"

The sudden twist that the "help voice" was Evilina. There was never anything wrong with the elevator and she was just stalling to ensure they got through the whole movie. Then instead of just letting them down she starts pressing random buttons because they're shiny.

The Devil and Santa Christ's deaths; the first turns into a skeleton and crumbles to pieces while the latter had a safe dropped on his head. In an elevator.

Even though played just a little more straight than those two examples, the first death (Rita) is still pretty funny - the body is sprawled in the corner with the most hilarious expression on their face, and it soon becomes a Running Gag when the remaining passengers look at the corpse before cringing in disgust.

In the Diet Coke promotional tie-in for Batman Returns, someone is stealing Gotham City's power supply. What's the Caped Crusader going to do? Stop rioters? Catch the culprit responsible for all this? Fuck, no, he's going to get himself some DIET COKE!!!!

Critic: Um, I'm not a scientist or anything but I'm just gonna take a wild guess that the insane adventures of four anthropomorphic lifeforms living in the sewers, skateboarding, eating pizza, and fighting the ninja army led by Uncle Phil probably, PROBABLY takes place in the world of fiction.

Or, how he enjoys the fact the announcer has no problem lying to kids that the events in the video are true, but the announcer actually stumbles partway through reading the show title, as if he realized how stupid it sounded halfway through but pressed on: "Teenage Mu... Oh God. What were you guys smoking? ... uh, Ninja Turtles."

The Take Care Of Me Twins.

The Shoot Me! face the girl makes in the commercial.

Critic: Just look at the smile she gives. That is the smile of "I'm about to kill these little bastards if someone doesn't take them away from me."

After undramatically revealing what his next review will be, Critic wonders what he can do for a dramatic cliffhanger when suddenly:

The Devil: *barges into room* I'm pregnant! *Cue dramatic chord and cut to Critic with shocked expression on his face*

The Critic's reaction to a Canadian commercial that begins with a baby shower and ends up being about rape.

He then sets up a similar situation of two men working at an ordinary office job and talking over the water cooler. Doug talks about how he's drinking mountain water, "Cool, refreshing, big on taste, but also big on satisfaction." In response, Malcolm reveals that he has pancreatic cancer. Cue the awkward look from Doug as text appears on the bottom of the screen revealing that 45,220 men get pancreatic cancer a year. This message brought to you by the National BUZZKILL Institution of Canada.

Critic: What the hell is that?! It's like a silly putty combo of the Nesquick Rabbit and Fat "Weird Al" Yankovic! And okay...that chin seriously needs to be censored. I swear I'm looking at Forest Whitaker's testicles right now and that should NOT be under the chin of any cereal mascot.

During the Chef Boyardee Tic Tac Toe pasta commercial, he mentions how the kid's facial expression upon seeing the thing is like he's seeing Jesus and wanted to eat Him. And to bring the point home, he adds a raptor-esque snarl at the scene.

In the same commercial, he calls out the commercial for turning dinnertime into a competitive sport (with lines like "And when you get three x's or o's on your spoon, you win!" or "First one to capture all three dinosaur shapes wins!"). Critic supplies his own rules for competitive eating involving this type of pasta:

Announcer: Hey kids! If you can eat the elbow macaroni and ketchup we're calling pasta without vomiting it up through your ears, nose, or mouth, you win!

At the end of the music video, a narrator gives a plug for the upcoming Batman/Superman movie in 2015, with the tagline: "Two of the Most Polar Opposite Superheroes Coming Together at Last!" This, in spite of how the video was all about The Dark Knight Saga!Batman and Man of Steel!Superman being Not So Different.

Superman shows up to save Critic from Zod, who has come after him for giving a middle of the road opinion on the movie. When Zod reminds him of Thou Shalt Not Kill, Superman instead aims his laser vision downward, cue a startled gasp from Zod and then cut to Doug!Batman at a coffee house.

The explanation for why the movie keeps randomly zooming in during action scenes? The cinematographer's daughter was screwing around with the zoom button on his camera while he tried getting it away from her.

The Critic's less than tactful description of the scene where Jonathan Kent tells Clark saving the kids from the bus crash might not have been the right thing to do: "Jon Kent says drown the bastards."

How the critic wishes for Jor-El to be his AI partner the next time he plays a video game.

When it's revealed that both Superman and Lois were brain-scanned, the Critic jokes that maybe Zod's got the correct imagery this time.

Rob!Zod:[As he stands in front of the girly background] You see, Ms. Lane, all of this and more can be yours if you just give us the information we require...

Rachel!Lois:[Gleefully] Even the unicorn riding the marshmallow rainbow?!

Rob!Zod: Even the unicorn riding the marshmallow rainbow.

Critic and Angry Joe letting their inner Man Child take over as they gush about a fight scene.

Earlier on, the Critic mocks the overabundance of Product Placement in this scene by having a narrator speak over it. The placements go by so fast that he can't even keep up. At the end of it, there's even a message that states in bold letters "SUPERMAN DRINKS PEPSI!", causing the narrator to go "Oh, now you're not even trying!"

The Critic notes Hans Zimmer's overuse of the, as he puts it, BWOWM sound effect, and how it would translate to non action movies, specifically if he did the scoring for a Peanuts special, by renaming it, "You're a good man, Charlie BWOWM!"

When Superman has a last talk with AI!Jor-El, he encourages his son to do whatever he can to save people.

Critic!Superman: But my father said never to be noticed or help people.

Starting the review by turning himself into a human rocket and shouting "CHRISTMAS!"

When mentioning how much he loves Christmas...

"If I could find a way to kidnap Christmas, tie it up in my basement, visit it every night and chop off a little bit of its body to consume it so I could slowly become Christmas... I wouldn't because that's gross, but nevertheless, I fucking love it!"

"... which... is understandable — he is being kidnapped and held hostage..."

Eight Crazy Nights

The start of the review, with the Critic commenting how hard it is to be Jewish with religious persecution, crazy antisemitic rantingsnote (with a Woody Woodpecker sound in the background), etc. However, the catalyst is the movie, which the Critic deems as the worst holiday movie he's ever seen, so he understands if the viewer decides to watch something else. Cue the "cursor" clicking another window and watching a Christmas porno titled Jingle BellCock.

Malcolm: What do you say we dick the whores with balls of horny?

Critic:Or, seeing how it's the holidays, you can sit and watch the movie with me. This is Eight Crazy Nights.

Critic: I mean, this is a character that was in 70% of the movie? Thank god they found a voice so charming and so beloved to listen to. Just listen to how not earbleedingly bad it is to listen to. [shows some clips of Whitey with his annoying voice] Enjoy how he is in no way worse than Jar Jar Binks singing Bjork, while scratching a blackboard with a screaming baby during a fire alarm in a house of howling mental patients.

The phone conversation he has with (Doug imitating) Adam Sandler. The fact that Sandler is portrayed as being polite and mild-mannered makes it even funnier despite the Critic's hatred of him:

NC: ... In fact, I'm not gonna jump to any conclusions. I'm just gonna call Mr. Sandler right now, to figure out who did that voice. [does so]

Sandler: Hello?

NC: Mr Sandler?

Sandler: Yeah?

NC: Nostalgia Critic, long-time fan of your genius. Uh, listen, I just have one question for you- who was that inspired old man who portrayed Whitey in Eight Crazy Nights?

Sandler: Uh... actually, I got a little secret for ya. It wasn't an old man at all.

NC: (faking) Whaaaaat?!

Sandler: No, actually this will totally blow your mind. Iiiit's me.

NC: Nooooo!

Sandler: It's meeee!

NC: Noooo!

Sandler: Preeety amazing, huh?

NC: Mr. Sandler, I think I speak for all the world when I say that we, as a species, have seen actors become other people. But YOU, sir, YOU have taken it to a whole new level! You are like some sort of mutant chameleon that we cannot see just become other things! Other entities!

Sandler: Uh, oooh... Thank you so very much-

NC: Oh my god! And your CHOICE to have him in the majority of this film so that we can hear your BEEAUTIFUL instrument, I just have to say: THANK YOU! THANK YOU, on behalf of ALL the world for letting us be a part of this MAGIC!

Sandler: Oooh, I, uuhhhh... That's very kind of you to say-

NC: FUCK MEL BLANC!

Sandler: Uh... What?

NC: THE MAN OF A THOUSAND VOICES! THE VOICE OF ALL THE LOONEY TUNES?! FUCK HIM! HE IS SHIT COMPARED TO YOUR GENIUS!

Sandler: Uh... boy... whaaat? That's going a little far there...

NC: NONONO! IF I COULD FIND A WAY TO GET HIS BODY, AND PUT LITTLE UPSIDE-DOWN CROSSES ON IT, TO ASSURE THAT HE IS ROTTING IN HELL BECAUSE HE EVEN ATTEMPTED TO BE THE BEST WHEN HE KNEW THAT AT ONE POINT YOU WOULD BE BORN TO BRING US THIS WHITEY VOICE, IS AN INSULT AND I WOULD DO IT TO HIM TO MAKE SURE THAT HE SUFFERS FOR EVEN TRYING TO DO SOMETHING EVEN BETTER THAN YOU!

Critic: "So, what's the only thing worse than listening to Whitey's door-nail-in-your-brain voice? How about if he sings with that door-nail-in-your-brain voice?" (Whitey sings a song. He hits a high 'E', and the Critic's ears explode) Aaand there went my eardrums! I should be sad, but I'm just happy I don't have to listen to Adam Sandler anymore. (sighs in relief) Ah, that's nice."

The Critic saying that even Gollum would be pissed off at Whitey for ruining an emotional scene with his annoying voice.

Gollum: "Christ, buddy. You're killing Hanukkah!"

After Davey's home is burnt down by another guy, Whitey offers him to stay at his place.

Whitey: What other options do you have?

Critic: You mean between "Freezing to death outside" and "listening to your voice"? (starts singing with glee)Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!

"Ah, yes, and Eleanor's cry-snorting [throughout] makes the scene even more powerful. Jesus fuck, what do they do for an encore? Read The Diary of Anne Frank?" Cut to Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl (As Read by Whitey)

Critic!Whitey: "....Despite everything, I believe people are good at heart."

"Baby! I'm so sorry! I mean, I thought your product placement was the worst, but after seeing this... You go and be subtle, while I'm gonna suffer throughout the rest of this."

And when the product logos actually come to life and sing a song, Critic decides that if the movie is whoring itself out this much, he may as well follow suit and has sex with the movie.

Of course, the entire "sex scene" happens off-screen. We just hear the sounds of it (with the Critic literally banging the movie against the bed and throwing it out the window) while Rachel casually remains in place texting on her cell phone.

The funny hatred of Happy Madison audiences continues, this time with a rather dim quartet of immature gigglers incapable of understanding any joke greater than a poop joke. He eventually gets fed up with their idiocy and kills them by luring them to laugh at his poop in the bathroom, which he throws a grenade in.

The Critic wonders what the thought process was for making the movie if it required four writers:

Critic: DUHHH WE MAKE MOVIES! (Hits head on table) WE MAKE MOVIES! (Hits head on table again) WE MAKE MOVIES! (Hits head on table yet again) DUHHH I WRITE POOP!!!

He's then interrupted by the Happy Madison audience laughing from heaven.

Critic: Hey, how 'bout that, people may die, but stupidity lives forever.

At the end of the review, the Critic gives his condolences to his Jewish audience about having few movies based around Hannukah by showing them a picture of Adolf Hitler crucified on a menorah. And then he shows Adam Sandler crucified on the menorah.

Critic: And... Now here is one with Adam Sandler. That one wasn't for you. That was... definitely for me.

The Critic's reaction that Davey in the film had a well-built figure and compares Davey in the movie with a photo he found on the Internet with Sandler with a bloated stomach on the beach note (Worth mentioning Adam Sandler is in many lists of "Worst "Beach Celebrity" looks).

Critic: Boy. A guy who the movie says has been drinking for 20 years looks pretty damn ripped, isn't he? You know, for a movie that obviously tried to make Adam Sandler's character look like Adam Sandler, I don't think that's what he looks like with the shirt off. Can we get visual conformation of this? (pops up a picture of Adam Sandler at a pool◊) There we go! Slight artistic liberties.

(Later)

Critic: But thankfully Sandler's super athletic body also has lightning fast reflexes and he outwits the cops. Nothing takes down the double chin with the Jacob style abs!!

When mentioning how despite Davey's Freudian Excuse, he is still too much of a Jerkass to be a likeable character, he says that even the narrator from How the Grinch Stole Christmas! would rather choose the Grinch over him, leading to a parody of part of "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch":

Narrator!Critic: And given the choice between the two of you, I'd choose the, uh... *an image of Davey pissed off appears on the screen* Oh hell no, I'm going with the green guy. At least he didn't make Jack and Jill. That movie wasshiiiiiit!

When the Critic gets fed up with the awful voice acting and mutes the movie, he decides to give it a Gag Dub befitting the high-quality animation, with Davey as "Awesome Claus."

Boy: Hey, Awesome Claus, what'd you do today?

Awesome Claus: Well, I made Christmas a whole lot more awesome this year.

Boy: Really? And how did you do that?

Awesome Claus: Well, I kicked Ron Howard in the balls for making The Grinch, shot every greedy fuckass who went shopping on Thanksgiving night, and produced eight Hanukkah movies that were actually funny to people who can count past the number four.

Boy: Wow! I think my balls just grew while talking to you!

Awesome Claus: It's all part of spending millions of dollars to animate something that actually makes an impact on somebody's life. I'm Awesome Claus.

The Critic's comments about the judge at Davey's sentencing hearing being more interested in giving exposition than he is sentencing people, and parodies it when the judge starts explaining Whitey's backstory:

Critic: Whitey, you're as hard to figure out as the origin of my tie...…which of course started to be worn in Europe during the Thirty-Years War. What? You don't know what the Thirty-Years War is? Well, let's start from the beginning. Years ago, the Earth was a molten mass…

Why Lie About Santa?

The Critic trying to discuss an adult topic while constantly dealing with crying children.

When Critic says that kids will soon realize that the truth about Santa won't cause any wars, he then remarks that if it did, it would be hilarious and proceeds to show a painting of a war with the caption "HE'S REAL, DAMMIT!"

At the end he decides that he's come so far ruining both Santa and the Easter Bunny that he adds the Tooth Fairy if for no other reason than to be a Jerkass. And then he changes his Catch Phrase:

"I'm the Nostalgia Critic and clearly your parents need to watch you closer."

In the beginning when he lets the Easter Bunny slip and does a head desk.

The Worst Christmas Special EVER!

When the mayor gives Mrs. Mavilda money in money bags, he gives her two bags full of money. During this time, the Critic notes three things, all of which are outright funny:

The first is that when the Mayor says, "I've got enough money here to get the children new clothes. [beat that happens from out of nowhere and for no reason] And still some left for their Christmas presents," the Critic thinks that the Mayor had a Vietnam flashback. So the scene is replayed, with an image of a helicopter exploding playing during the pause in the Mayor's dialogue.

The second is that he doesn't even give an actual amount of money, just saying the number of bags. The Critic thinks the Mayor doesn't measure actual amounts of money, rather that he actually measures money in bag size. We cut to a sketch in which the Mayor tries to pass a convenience store cashier (played by Rachel) a check for two money bags. She refuses to accept it by saying she wants an actual amount, until he frightens her into taking it by shouting "I use money bags!" After that, he says, "Now if you'll excuse me, my ride is waiting." He's then seen driving away in a Monopoly game piece.

The third is that later in that conversation, Judy shows up and the dialogue the Mayor says is, "I'm glad those poor little things aren't going to have to spend another winter in patches and rags. By the way, where's Judy? Oh, Mrs. Kindle!" The Critic is startled by Judy's sudden appearance:

When the Critic noted that one of the kids in the orphanage was rocking his head rather than clapping like the others. He then plays some heavy metal music over the scene and bobs his head in unison with the kid.

Critic: I LIKE DOGS!

The Nostalgia Critic noting that not even Mario would buy the map that would help the kids get Santa's help.

After a couple glitches with the sound recording in Mrs. Mavilda's voice acting, he comes to believe she has a gaggle of Split Personalities she argues with. And that the girl she hired before Judy was one of them.

Despite being struck by lightning near the end of the movie, the narrator insists that Mrs. Mavilda is perfectly fine afterwards. Of course, this doesn't slip past the Critic.

Critic's complaint about the sloppy editing between the poker game and Judy telling the children about Christmas to where he adds a hilarious skit of Critic, Rachel and Malcolm in a love triangle which ends with Rachel about to hit Malcolm over the head with a baseball bat.

I AM THE BARK OF SATAN! THOSE WHO WOULD DENY MY EVIL SHALL BE BLOODILY SMOTED!

During Nostalgia Critic's Christmas speech, the camera briefly catches Malcolm, Rachel and Jim Jarosz, drinking and smoking pot before quickly throwing it away while the camera's away from them for the brief second and back on them, before they say their part of the speech.

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