That feel a lot like my ILs who don't believe in celebrating anything (they are Witnesses), but still want us over for Christmas. Yeah no, we're not going to sit there and not eat our turkey dinner and not unwrap presents. Just won't happen. I can't even believe they asked that of us when they know quite clearly where we stand on the matter (aka: yaaaay Christmas). DH shut them down immediately.

That makes my brain hurt. Either you celebrate Christmas, or you don't. You can't have it both ways.

[/b]That is coincidentally the exact same thing DH told them.

It sounds like they're trying to enforce their religious beliefs on you.

Or maybe it's just an open invitation to hang out on a particular day that doesn't have any meaning to them. Like any other invitation, it isn't a summons. Is telling them, "no thanks, we're celebrating Christmas with our traditions" so difficult (unless you've already done that, then I apologize)? Do we really need to assume the worst in everyone???

We don't, but in this case it would be accurate. When we lived close they invited us for Christmas and our birthdays, plan it so we would rely on them for transport, and then spend the whole time making sure nobody said or did anything that could be construed as celebrating. They almost never extended an invite on a normal day. Fool us once, shame on you, but fool us 16 times in a row and we simply won't stand for it!

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Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.

I don't think I have any major holiday-specific ones, but there was one instance over at a relative's house where I refused to discuss something. Since we were over their house for Christmas dinner and a gift exchange, we had no control over the alcohol, and one family member ended up getting pretty intoxicated. I had mentioned about a month earlier that I couldn't attend another function because I was meeting up with a male friend I don't see very often. I made no indication that there was anything going on between me and this guy (there wasn't, and still isn't), so I was sort of blind-sided when Drunk Relative began asking me probing questions to the tune of "So, are you and this guy playing Scrabble?" Not in a quiet voice, either.

I told him I'd rather not discuss it, and when pressed and teased about how bad it must be if I was so quiet about it I said, "Even if I was, I wouldn't say so, because I think that's very private. So, are things going well at your new job?" He mostly let the subject drop, but kept slipping little innuendos into conversation all night. I kept my cool, but I was imagining steam coming out of my ears by the time we went home. However! I got a phone call the next day, him apologizing profusely and saying it was the wine, and there has never been a repeat of this. I figure everyone makes mistakes, and if this had turned out to be a habit it would have been my holiday hill to die on.

My extended family--grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins & their families, etc.-- gather every year within the week before or after Christmas. In previous years we've exchanged names for gifts. Aunt and Uncle Moneybags go WAY overboard with the gifts. I'm talking about a $50-$60 gifts when others spend $20-$25. It creates all sorts of awkwardness and resentment. We have tried to set limits and ranges, which everyone follows, except them. Last year the rest of us grew a collective backbone and agreed that there would be no gift exchange. I thought it was great. We shared a meal, talked, played board games, and had a great time without the distraction of gifts. However, Aunt and Uncle have raised the topic for this year and want to reinstate the gift exchange because it was such "a drag" last year. With a group composed on 1 who's unemployed, 2 retired, a few college students/recent graduates, and the rest of us getting by, I don't want anyone to feel obligated to spend money they don't have. Christmas is about family, not stuff.

I told my husband that I want christmas eve to just be us this year after last year's experience with inviting his family over. They showed up so late to dinner that it was cold and some of it pretty close to ruined, my good kitchen scissors disappeared, and from what I heard later his mother was badmouthing us because my husband called her to ask if she'd seen the scissors (he thought perhaps one of his nephews had used them and mislaid them).

I told him if his family can't be bothered to show up on time for dinner and then have nothing but bad things to say afterwards, then I am not eager to repeat the experience.

I've been looking forward to this Christmas for a while. Two years ago, I was heavily pregnant and had mobility issues. Our daughter came two days after Christmas, but I was so tired on Christmas itself DH cooked and we played video games all day. Last year I was deployed during Christmas and didn't get to be with DH and our daughter.

This year, I'm home and healthy. We had family asking to come visit, but this year is our private family Christmas. I don't want to cater to anyone but the three of us. We'll hang out in pajamas all day, make a nice meal, open gifts and might skype with family. I had so many family Christmas's growing up where we had to rush through gifts, go to church and visit random distant family. I want one perfect memory with my husband and daughter.

So my hill to die on is no one visiting and no rushing helter skelter on Christmas day this year. It may change next year depending on if I'm deployed or sent to another base. That's military life for us. But this year is mine with my family. And I can't wait.

I am giving up, and throwing in the towel. I will Never Again try to make it out to visit the in-laws for Christmas. 5 years ago, FIL's job moved him cross country. Over the next couple of years, a lot of the family has migrated out as well. YBIL (he was a teen, so had to go with his parents), Middle SIL, OSIL+family, PIL and GMIL all live out there now. Every year PIL, YBIL and SIL+family have made the trip back home around Christmas, usually leaving a day or two after Christmas, and staying about a week and a half.

2 years ago, things were tight. SIL+family couldn't afford to come out, and PIL were wondering if they would make it as well. DH and I pinched pennies, and saved up. We bought the house that year, and closed the last week of October, but we still had the money set aside for our trip. Mid December, MIL starts expressing concern that we won't be able to afford the trip, and that she knows things must be tight since we just bought the house, and we were expecting DD in Feb. it's a long drive, etc. I persisted and told her we had been budgeting all year for the trip, I know what the drive is like, and we were excited to come. It finally came out that SIL+family were driving out after all, and they had asked MIL to come as well to help with their 2 kids, and since MIL was coming anyway, she talked FIL into coming, and YBIL as well. But, they couldn't come out if DH, DS and I were still planning on coming out to visit them. That bugged the crap out of me. We had planned and saved, but at the last minute, SIL changed the gameplan for everyone.

This year SIL is having a baby. On Friday, actually. She is NOT traveling with her 4 kids, one of which will be a month and a half old. DH and I thought it was a good opportunity to travel and visit his family. We've been planning and saving for months. We made it out in August for a family wedding, and MIL, SIL+family came out in Sept for a random visit. DS was devastated when Grammy and cousins left, so we told him that we were going to visit them for Christmas. He has known and been excited about it for 2 months now. He talks about what he will get his cousins for Christmas, and we will get to see snow because it snows at Grammy's house, etc. We let the extended family know that we will be out of town, so we're not participating in the cousin gift exchange, arranged a pet/house sitter for the week, I bought the kids cold weather clothes, and ordered gifts for my nieces/nephews. (I don't usually get them anything bc I HATE shipping. They don't get my kids anything either bc SIL is the same way). So, last week I'm on the phone with MIL telling her about how excited the kids are, and how DS keeps talking about seeing his cousins and Grammy and snow when MIL starts trying to talk me out of coming. It's expensive, and we just made the trip in August, and we're not used to driving in bad weather, and we might have to drive through a storm, etc. It's hard to make such a long drive with the kids, we don't have heavy duty cold weather clothes, etc. Mentally I'm rolling my eyes. I am an adult, capable of budgeting, procuring adequate clothing for my children and safely driving long distances. I felt really disrespected by the whole conversation, like I would never have thought of all these potential problems on my own, much less solved them myself.

At this point, I've wasted a lot of money getting super duper extreme cold weather clothes for 5 people, gifts for people I don't usually shop for, and I have to now pay to ship them. And we're not going out. I have a suspicion that SIL+family might be coming out here after all. BIL was offered a temporary, 10 week position in HomeState, where DH and I live, starting at the beginning of Jan. If SIL+Family come out, MIL will as well. If MIL comes, obviously FIL will too. But they won't make their plans concrete until last minute, so who the heck knows. I wash my hands of the whole thing, and I refuse to plan another holiday trip out there. Also, if they do end up coming out here, I will NOT cancel or change the new plans I'm making for our family.

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In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. ~Thomas Szasz

Getting DH to come to church with us Christmas Eve so that he can see his older two sing in the choir, and his youngest star as Baby Jesus in the nativity play. This could be hilarious, actually. He's now one and walking, and he's been known to babble during service. (Nursery only lasts until just before communion)

I can just see it, the kids are singing "Siiiilent niiiight...hooooly niiiight...all is calm..." then you hear the happy babble of "BA BA BAAAAA!!! DA DA!!!!!!!!" from the Holy Mother's arms....

Dh cannot miss that.

Logged

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

I've been looking forward to this Christmas for a while. Two years ago, I was heavily pregnant and had mobility issues. Our daughter came two days after Christmas, but I was so tired on Christmas itself DH cooked and we played video games all day. Last year I was deployed during Christmas and didn't get to be with DH and our daughter.

This year, I'm home and healthy. We had family asking to come visit, but this year is our private family Christmas. I don't want to cater to anyone but the three of us. We'll hang out in pajamas all day, make a nice meal, open gifts and might skype with family. I had so many family Christmas's growing up where we had to rush through gifts, go to church and visit random distant family. I want one perfect memory with my husband and daughter.

So my hill to die on is no one visiting and no rushing helter skelter on Christmas day this year. It may change next year depending on if I'm deployed or sent to another base. That's military life for us. But this year is mine with my family. And I can't wait.

That's sounds like a wonderful holiday! I did the same last year at Thanksgiving, although it was just me - I usually visit my mom, but I had just spent 10 days with ehr in Oct, and was going back for Christmas, so I decided to stay home. It was sooo nice. I made a nice meal (I don't like turkey much) sat in my jammies and watched football.

Getting DH to come to church with us Christmas Eve so that he can see his older two sing in the choir, and his youngest star as Baby Jesus in the nativity play. This could be hilarious, actually. He's now one and walking, and he's been known to babble during service. (Nursery only lasts until just before communion)

I can just see it, the kids are singing "Siiiilent niiiight...hooooly niiiight...all is calm..." then you hear the happy babble of "BA BA BAAAAA!!! DA DA!!!!!!!!" from the Holy Mother's arms....

Dh cannot miss that.

You know, I'm sure even Baby Jesus said "ba ba ba" when He was a baby.

I've been looking forward to this Christmas for a while. Two years ago, I was heavily pregnant and had mobility issues. Our daughter came two days after Christmas, but I was so tired on Christmas itself DH cooked and we played video games all day. Last year I was deployed during Christmas and didn't get to be with DH and our daughter.

This year, I'm home and healthy. We had family asking to come visit, but this year is our private family Christmas. I don't want to cater to anyone but the three of us. We'll hang out in pajamas all day, make a nice meal, open gifts and might skype with family. I had so many family Christmas's growing up where we had to rush through gifts, go to church and visit random distant family. I want one perfect memory with my husband and daughter.

So my hill to die on is no one visiting and no rushing helter skelter on Christmas day this year. It may change next year depending on if I'm deployed or sent to another base. That's military life for us. But this year is mine with my family. And I can't wait.

That's sounds like a wonderful holiday! I did the same last year at Thanksgiving, although it was just me - I usually visit my mom, but I had just spent 10 days with ehr in Oct, and was going back for Christmas, so I decided to stay home. It was sooo nice. I made a nice meal (I don't like turkey much) sat in my jammies and watched football.

I've been dying for this Christmas for years. <sigh> My extended family has a tradition of everyone getting together for Christmas. This is great -- I like to see everyone, I like our traditions, and I know how lucky we are to be able to all get together. But I HATE that it must be on Christmas afternoon with no exceptions. I think it would be great to get together on Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, or even the nearest weekend sometimes. We could have our big family celebration but still have Christmas Day for just our immediate families. My biggest Christmas wish is to NOT spend four hours of Christmas Day in the car. I'd love to just bum around in my PJs most of the day, have a more leisurely meal, exclaim over each other's Christmas presents, maybe watch a movie. My dad finally said he's going to bring it up to his family this year, since Christmas is on a Tuesday and most folks will have Christmas Eve Monday off. I don't know if it's going to happen, but I've got my fingers crossed!

My hill to die on this year was going to be that I didn't want to spend any time with my estranged SIL. And I thought it would get a little sticky - I'd have to get a hotel room instead of staying at my brother's place so I had somewhere to go when she showed up. But apparently, my nephews have told my brother that they don't want her in the house. So I don't think it is going to be a problem.

(There's a thread in the 'I Need A Hug' folder. She dissappeared for 3 weeks and didn't tell anyone where she was. Due to mental health history, we thought there was a good possibility she was dead; I'd even baked and frozen about a dozen loaf cakes, expecting to have to contribute to a funeral tea.)

Logged

After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice: If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.

Getting DH to come to church with us Christmas Eve so that he can see his older two sing in the choir, and his youngest star as Baby Jesus in the nativity play. This could be hilarious, actually. He's now one and walking, and he's been known to babble during service. (Nursery only lasts until just before communion)

I can just see it, the kids are singing "Siiiilent niiiight...hooooly niiiight...all is calm..." then you hear the happy babble of "BA BA BAAAAA!!! DA DA!!!!!!!!" from the Holy Mother's arms....

Dh cannot miss that.

You know, I'm sure even Baby Jesus said "ba ba ba" when He was a baby.

Oh I'm sure he did too, it's just funny considering so many nativity plays are done in such a serene way, very peaceful, and either Baby Jesus is played by a doll or a live infant. In fact, the woman who asked me said they usually do use a baby doll if there aren't any little ones in the congregation young enough. Piratebabe is the youngest of the children so he got the part.

Point being, baby Jesus is usually silent during these nativity plays and so the thought of my little guy very loudly making himself heard is just funny to think about. Of course our priest has a sense of humor so I can see her making a joke out of it.

Anyway, well sounds like that was thankfully solved for you, Outdoor Girl, and I think it's good your nephews laid it on the line like that. Sounds like the only sticky thing at the holidays will be the tape on the presents.

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Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata