Musings and Inspirations of a Fantasy Novel — Updated Twice Weekly

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Musing: Evil Derp

So I heard you like blood messes? We put messes on your messes so you can bleed while you bleed.

Despite the title, I want everyone to know: I enjoyed Evil Dead (2013). That doesn’t mean I can’t scream at the screen when the characters are being complete and utter dumb-asses. I typically don’t give spoilers in movies and games but it might be unavoidable here. I will flag spoilers with high tech highlight-able text so everyone can read the article though. If you’ve watched the original with Bruce Campbell, you’re not going to be surprised anyway.

First off, let’s get one thing out in the open. This is not a very good Horror movie. If you want to be scared. Look elsewhere. You’ll have about as much luck getting scared in this movie as watching a Freddie Krueger movie. This may seem like a diss, but it’s not.

This is a gross out movie. This movie will make you squirm. It will make you cry out, WHY, legs aren’t supposed to do that! It will also frustrate the crap out of you.

The movie sets the stage with an intervention. A group of 20-somethings helping a friend get over her crack habit. Or whatever drug she’s on. They come up with this great idea to go into a remote part of the woods to ensure she has no escape.

Good idea on paper. However, we know from the first 5 minutes of the movie, that this cabin is bad.

So riddle me this: If you, a concerned friend, come to discover the basement of the cabin you A. (rented?) B. (came across?) C. (read about in scary shit weekly?) has a bunch of satanic imagery, gutted and bled cats and miscellaneous badness (heralded by the stench of death coming from the basement none-the-less), you would:

A. Leave the cabin screaming, get miles away from said cabin, and call the authorities.

B. Lock the basement, get miles away from the cabin and swear never to speak of it, and move to Canada.

C. Nope. Nope. Nope. Burn the house down.

D. Start touching shit, open the book wrapped with Duct-tape, plastic bags, and BARBED WIRE. Continue to stay at the cabin like nothing could go wrong.

This is the first time in a long while, that the crack head is the smartest character in the movie. That says something. Remember this mantra: Shake your head, say it with me. Stupid People.

Needless to say. They pick D. Worse. Said book when uncovered and opened is bound with human flesh, inked in blood, and basically says “BAD SHIT” on the cover. The group’s ‘smart guy’ looks it over, ignoring the warnings written in blood, and does exactly what the book says not to.

Stupid People.

Bad things happen, amusingly bad, gory as hell bad. But the movie is amusing if you can forgive the stupidity of the characters. After all, the movie would be much less interesting otherwise.