My life as a single mom & full time doctoral student.

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I don’t know about you, but I get tired of recycling junk mail that is sent to my mailbox on a daily basis. I wish managing our postal mail was as easy as managing our electronic mail. Select all the mail that you want to delete and then select delete or send to trash. Or wouldn’t it be nice to set up filters that would automatically send junk mail to the recycling bin for you or not give it to you at all? As I was working through my to-do list today I stumbled across a website that I found to be helpful. Direct Marketing Association will allow you to opt-out of junk mail offers: pre-approved credit cards, magazines, catalogs and the like. Check it out: https://www.dmachoice.org/index.php. The upside is that setting up an account is easy. The downside…it may take up to 6 months to get your name removed from the list.

The doctoral journey is a long and arduous. It certainly isn’t for the faint at heart and it requires tremendous dedication and discipline. I am happy to be nearing the completion of this journey and am now in search of a J-O-B. Today’s academic job market strongly encourages new PhD graduates to pursue a postdoctoral fellowship. For those who can “afford”, yes, afford, to do so-that’s great. A postdoc fellowship protects your time as a new researcher and gives you more time to work on publications, additional training that wasn’t obtained as a predoctoral fellow, and gives you more time to work with a mentor in your field. But, here’s the harsh reality…The average postdoc fellowship salary is about $42K per year. Some universities pay more and I have seen some salaries as high as $60K. That might be okay for some, but not a single mom with two kids. No, I need a job with benefits. Currently I am paying slightly over $500 per month out of pocket for dental and medical insurance for my children. Add to that the $800/month daycare bill and it becomes VERY apparent why a postdoc salary will not suffice for me. Before I starting thinking deeply about the salaries, benefits and work restrictions of a postdoc (yes-some postdocs will not allow you to work more than 25% outside of your academic studies), I had an informal phone interview with a University for a postdoc fellowship position. Several months passed between the phone interview and the invitation to participate in a face-to-face interview. During those months I endured significant financial strain and began to rethink the feasibility of living on a postdoc salary. After giving it some thought and talking it over with my mentor, I decided to decline the offer for a face-to-face interview. It was a hard email to write, but I got through it. My biggest fear was burning a potential bridge, but I felt that being transparent about my situation was the best approach. There’s no easy way to say, “Hey, thanks, but no thanks”, however, I feel that I put together a well-written and professional notice. I’ve provided an example, just in the event that one of my readers needs guidance on a similar letter in the future.

Dear “xxx”,
Thank you very much for inviting me to interview for “x” position at [insert the company’s name]. It is with some regret that I must decline the offer for a face-to-face interview at this time. [I opted to provide an explanation, but this isn’t necessary] Since we last spoke, there have been some changes in my personal life that will no longer allow me to relocate with my family. I was genuinely looking forward to meeting you and other members of “x”, but want to honor your time and [insert company’s name] resources by not interviewing for a position that I will not be able to accept if an offer were made. I remain impressed [here I opted to affirm and acknowledge the company’s strengths] by “x’s” commitment to [here I opted to highlight what I liked about the company] diversity and inclusion, ….
Please accept this email as a personal thank you for your time and consideration. I wish you all the best in your continued search for applications and look forward to another opportunity to meet you in the future.
Best Regards,

Sometimes we go through the fire so that we may remember our strength, endurance, and resilience. It is there that we are reminded of who we are. Some think of fire as destructive, but let us not forget what happens when a dull piece of pottery is placed in the kiln. It comes emerges as a polished and beautiful piece of art.

The 2014 Dana was just inspired by the 2010 Dana. Sound odd? It shouldn’t. So often we look outside ourselves for insight and motivation. But I am convinced that we all have an optimal point of restoration similar to the feature on PCs. You know the one that allows you to turn back time on your PC? The set point that allows you to undo system changes so that your device can function more efficiently? Sound familiar now? So yes, the former me just inspired the current me. I’m excited to see what the blending of the two will create next!

So often the voice telling us “we can’t” is our own. You know the voice. The one that cleverly lies dormant in the recesses of your mind and rears it’s ugly head when you embark on a new journey. This voice is the reflection of self doubt and the value that we’ve place on the opinion and acceptance of others. There comes a time when we have to silence the naysayers, even when they resonate from within. We can be our own worst critics or our greatest cheerleaders. Opt for the later and tune out the rest.

Inquiring minds want to know…what to expect during my proposal defense? On the eve of my pre-proposal defense meeting with my dissertation chair and co-chair I found myself searching the Internet on what to expect, how to prepare and information that I need to know going into the defense.

Why are these milestones shrouded in mystery? Why aren’t they part of the standard discussion that takes place around the table at T32? So often we spend countless hours reading, re-reading and critiquing the work of others-mainly F31 applications and occasionally manuscripts- yet this critical information is overlooked, lips are hushed and shoulders shrugged in response to inquiries.

Not wanting to be blind-sided during the proposal defense, I took the bull by its horns and asked point-blankly, “What should I expect during the proposal defense? How should I prepare? No one ever talks about this part and I simply don’t know”. After a very brief period of silent deliberation my chair, who had joined the meeting from her new institution in Delaware, chimed in and said, “Since you’ve completed the NRSA application the process will not be that difficult for you. You will need to prepare a PowerPoint presentation with slides that summarize the background and purpose of your study, the study’s aims, a bit about the framework, and then highlight any changes that will be applied in the dissertation study. Afterwards you will open it up for discussion and asked for recommendations and suggestions from the Committee. One week prior to you sending out the draft to the full committee I will send an email and ask each member if there are major concerns or questions about the proposal. If so, I will let you know so that you can be prepared to answer any possible questions and concerns”. Nodding in agreement my co-chair chimes in and indicates that he expects this time to be helpful and informative to the fellow.

In other words, I reasoned to myself, I should not expect to be thrown under the bus during my proposal defense. With that in mind I quickly took inventory of all that I needed to do over the next seven days: incorporate edits from 3 of 5 members, move major content on transgender terminology to the introduction (an idea that we had considered earlier), incorporate more language on symbolic interaction, create a tighter connection between the sub-aims and literature on illness careers, make hard copies of an 80 or so page document for everyone, create a draft sociometric diagram to facilitate collection of social network data from each study participant, and…take a trip to the writing center. No sweat right?! I’ve got this all under control. I just won’t eat, sleep, or breathe anything other than this proposal during the next week. Vacation request will be sent and I will work feverishly during those work hours so that I can fulfill my primary job of mom to my two kids.

Sound overwhelming? It should. This journey is not for the meek at heart. It gets rough and rugged at times, especially when we get closer to a milestone. Thinking about traveling solo? Don’t! Even the strongest and most resilient scholar needs mentoring and support. Find a writing partner and commit to co-writing and prepping together. Share your lessons learned shamelessly. In doing so you will contribute to the success of others and give a helping hand in pulling back another layer of this mysterious milestone known as the “Proposal Defense”.

Prior to sitting for the qualifying or candidacy exam you will have to meet with your dissertation committee and convince them that you are indeed ready to complet your exams. This process varies across disciplines. Some require both a written and oral exam, while others may require one or the other. Either way here are some key points to include in your presentation to the committee. Remember the goal is to prove that, after completing all course work, you are now ready to move into the candidacy phase.

Objectives:

Provide exemplars of demonstrated PhD program competencies.

Summarize lessons learned from course papers and major projects and discuss how they fit with your proposed dissertation study aims.

Provide examples of how course work and projects have influenced your thinking as a scholar (be specific and provide concrete examples).

Highlight any manuscripts that you authored or co-aurthored. Discuss how it ties into your proposed program of research.

Similarly you will want to highlight any poster or podium presentations and discuss the major outcomes of those works (e.g. a manuscript).

Highlight any grants or scholarships that you’ve received. Our faculty mentors always remind us that publications are currency in the world of academe so publish or perish.

Discuss next steps in training program–in other words what do you plan to do once you’ve completed your PhD? Your committee will want to know that you have a plan in place.

Ever hear the term ABD and wonder what it meant? Well in nursing and medicine it is sometimes used as the abbreviation for abdomen and/or abdominal, abduction and more. But in the world of academe it has a very different meaning, “All, But Dissertation”, which is a short way of saying that someone has completed all of their course work for a PhD program, but did not write the dissertation itself.

I am presently writing my dissertation proposal and can see how many people fall into this place of almost completing it, but not. Writing the dissertation is hard work and it can be a slow process. The other day I described it as walking through molasses. This is over and above any term paper that you can imagine and certainly isn’t anything that can be written in a couple of days or weeks. It takes time, determination and discipline.

Having a cohort or support group of other doctoral students is also helpful. Trust me, this is not a journey that you want to take alone and support is key is your success in finishing. I am nearing the completion of chapter I, the introduction. This is likely the easier of the five chapters to write and the most likely to be revised after I’m done with chapter II-the review of literature and III-the methods chapter.

Here are some tips that I have gathered from multiple sources. One being a book titled, Surviving Your Dissertation: A Comprehensive Guide to Content and Process, 3rd ed.

Give yourself privacy and quiet to gather thoughts and focus on the task at hand. Not always easy I know–I’m a single mom of two so I often have to break to tend to the children.

Tackle the dissertation in small slices-working on one ch at a time is helpful. I personally skip around at times, especially when I’ve hit a wall with one chapter. The key is to keep moving through the writing process.

Discuss your thoughts and ideas with other people-cohort members or dissertation committee

Establish a weekly writing schedule EVEN if it’s only 20 minutes per day. Doesn’t sound like a lot, but if you do this for 5 days straight then you will have written almost two hours in one week. Though it may be ideal to block out several hours per day to write it may not always be possible. When people can’t block out this time they tend to get frustrated and not write anything at all or keep putting it off until that “block” of time becomes available.

Take breaks and take care of yourself. Something that I’m learning to do more of:)

11 days ago my son was delivered via c-section. Since this is a major surgery I am not permitted to drive for 2 weeks. The first few days inside were fine as the city was still climbing out from under the heaviest snow that we’d had in 18 years. But as the days go by cabin fever is starting to set in and I’m anxious to get out. The idea of not being able to drive or leave when I want and having to depend on other people to take me to and fro began to overwhelm me.

Fortunately a good friend stopped by yesterday to rescue me and the baby from our “house rest”. Our first outing was to none other than Target. Ordinarily I could stay in Target and browse for a couple of hours. Hit up the clearance racks and the end caps in housewares. Maybe even try on an item of clothing or two. But not yesterday. LOL. 20 minutes into the shopping excursion my son wakes up and is ready to nurse. Suddenly I was aware that there are no lactation rooms or breast feeding areas for nursing moms. The first time he wanted to eat I went to the cafe, found a table isolated in the corner and draped myself with the privacy cover so that he could nurse. We were there for a good 20 minutes and then he dozed off. Initially I thought that he would be okay until I was done browsing, but he’s 10 day old tummy was only satisfied for a short while. By the time he woke up again I was somewhere between the home improvement and furniture aisles. Not wanting to subject him to another long trip to the front of the store and back to that corner table in the cafe, I decided to park it in the display chair and prop my feet on the display ottoman so that he could eat. Although I was draped I felt like I was on display as well.

As I sat there I began to brainstorm, maybe they could turn 1 or 2 of their fitting rooms in the women’s department into nursing rooms for moms. That would be ideal and give moms and babies the privacy they needed. I also thought about the awkwardness of the shopping cart itself and the lack of room to place items in the cart especially when the baby’s car seat is in there. I ended up grabbing a smaller, hand-held basket that I placed beneath the cart. The positive side of that is that it limits the amount of items you can purchase and thus the amount of money you spend:-)

While I was very grateful to get out of the house and do some light shopping I was also slightly overwhelmed by my lack of a second pair of hands, which every new mom could use from time to time. Our trip to Target lasted almost two hours. At least 45 minutes was spent nursing my son. Yes, the third nursing session occurred in the health and beauty aid section near the pharmacy. At least it was more secluded than the display chair in the furniture department. LOL.

It’s been nearly 12 years since I had a newborn. I have forgotten some of the nuances that go along with shopping with baby. But I remain so happy for the experience of being a mom again.

Having gone through now two c-sections I feel that I have a pretty good grasp of what questions to ask the doctor prior to your c-section delivery.

I had my first c-section 11 years ago and my second only six days ago! So what has changed in those 11 years?

My age. I was 26 when I gave birth to my daughter and my recovery seemed speedier. At 37 I was considered advanced for maternal age and as a result, was at risk for greater pregnancy related complications and my son at risk for greater birth defects.

In my opinion there are many advantages to having the same OB manage your prenatal care and, if required, to perform your c-section. Should your doctor change OR if you are considering or must have a c-section here are some questions to ask your doctor:

If you have previously had a c-section inquire about the hospital’s and your doctor’s personal philosophy and comfort level with performing VBAC. Hospitals are required to have certain staffing ratios and a specific composition of care team staff on hand to manage a VBAC. In my case, my doctor personally preferred c-section deliveries and by her own admission elected to have two of them. There were even a few instances where she strongly encouraged me to simplify things by just opting for a second c-section. If your doctor holds these beliefs they may not support your desires/wishes to have a VBAC.

For when will my c-section be scheduled and are the dates flexible? My doctor scheduled mine for me one day prior to the original due date. We did not discuss my preference for dates, but given that my due date was sandwiched between Christmas and New Year’s Eve I figured that the date was a matter of when the OR suite and staff were available.

How many support persons can I have in the OR room with me during delivery? Are photos and/or video recording allowed?

What type of incision will you make? If your c-section is emergency or if your baby is in a transverse position your doctor may use a vertical incision. This may also be required in other instances. The most common approach is a horizontal incision that is slightly below the bikini line. Both of mine were horizontal incisions.

Will you use stitches, staples or dermabond (glue)? I had dermabond with my first and staples with the second.

If you have previously had a c-section ask the doctor if he/she will use the existing scar. During my prenatal visits the OB would jokingly say, you already have a scar, just have another c-section. This led me to erroneously assume that she would use my existing scar. Imagine my surprise when the bandages were removed and I realized that I had a brand new incision! The nurses on the unit and the doctor who made rounds that weekend could not explain to me WHY the doctor had made a new incision, but assured me that the doctor will assess to see if this is the best approach. I have this on my list of questions to ask at my follow-up visit and have done some research just to see if this was standard practice. It seems that in most instances the previous scar is used, but in others a new one is made. I couldn’t find any evidence based practice articles on the subject, but did consistently see that new scars heal faster. Either way, this is something to ask your doctor BEFORE hand to avoid any post-op surprises.

What type of anesthesia will be used? I personally had a spinal block. With my first c-section I could not move my legs for 6 hours following delivery. The nurse anesthetist explained that the amount of time varies depending on the amount of anesthesia that was used. In my case I received duramorph and it made me itch both the first and second time. This is a normal reaction to the drug.

How soon after will I be able to drive? I was told two weeks due to the spinal block anesthesia that was used. Make sure you have someone to help you in those two weeks following delivery as your baby’s first doctor’s visit will usually occur within the first few days after delivery.

What are my weight lifting restrictions? I was told 10 lbs or nothing that weighs more than baby and car seat.

These are the questions that first came to mind. Hope these are helpful and good luck on your c-section delivery!