Loss of a loved one... How do you deal?

Jessica - posted on 07/19/2010
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Hello moms out there... First I must apologize for all the question I have had lately and also to thank all of you that have offered your best advice to help and it has been extremely helpful... I have recently lost my father-in-law to cancer... I have not been part of this family long but in this short amount of time I have become very close to him... He didn't last long after getting his diagnosis... I am having a very hard time dealing with this loss but also with the family themselves... I am currently taking 50 mg of Zoloft for depression and it seems to help a lot most of the time but right now it is not working like I think it should right now... I called my doctor about this problem today and haven't heard back from him yet... My question to all of you is how do I deal with all this and still manage to keep my cool?... It just seems like since last Wednesday night I have been on autopilot and can't pull myself together long enough to function like I want to and need to... The funeral is tomorrow and then it will all be over as far as the services and things go but I don't know how to deal with rest... The after part is what I feel is going to be the hardest part for me... I have just gotten to all the things that have to be done here at home because I have not been home since he passed away... I am still finding it hard to get motivated and that is not normally like me unless I am sick or haven't slept in a day or two... So what do you all think is the best course of action to deal with this... It just seems like the last pregnancy was difficult because I was so sick but this one is almost as bad because everything that can go wrong in my life and family has gone wrong so far... If it isn't one thing it is another... Thanks again for listening and being so helpful and patient.... Love ya so much... Joy

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Jessica - posted on 07/30/2010

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Thank you ladies for your words of encouragement and advice... I would like to let all of you know that I am pretty much out of auto pilot stage but still in a very strange phase and it seems like I am going to be there for some time... I have been back to the house several times since his passing and each time it catches me off guard to walk in and not see him sitting in his chair at the breakfast bar... At the same time I find myself feeling like I just don't want to be there and like I am trepassing on something I am not quite aware of... The house doesn't feel the same... Plus to make matters worse there has been quite a bit if arguement and fighting going on with the family which makes it harder to deal with... I just don't want to deal with any of it right now... I am totally happy just being in my own little world and not having to deal with the crap... Thanks for listening... Joy

Hi Jessica, hope you are well!!I can relate to you 100% here, I lost my Father in Law to cancer last year - 30th May 2009.It was by far the most painful thing I have had to go through yet! He was diagnosed and given 9 months, he passed 8 weeks later. It was so hard and right up until the end I was still hoping "something" would happen and that he would pull through.I found comfort though in the way and in the timing of his passing as he had been holding on as though waiting for something for the last couple of days.About 50 boys & men, all his sons and nephews and grandsons turned up and decided to do a corroborree for him. (They are Australian Aboriginal) So they all put on their ochre (paint) and sung and danced for him. He had created a very well known Aboriginal Dance Group, so they sent him off so to say with what he had lived for - his culture.It was the most emotional and powerful thing I've seen, he passed away while they were doing their very last dance - the "goodbye" dance.So I found myself not only heartbroken by him passing away, but also from the "event" itself.All I can say is that somehow, it just does get easier to deal with it. Everyone grieves in their own time and you can't put a time limit on it. I still have days where I'll have a little cry to myself but it honestly does get easier, I can promise you that!Hang in there and don't feel guilty about how long it takes you to start to feel ok, sometimes I felt as though my hubby was handling his dad's death better than me! But it's just we all have our own way of coping.Anyway sorry for my big novel haha...I just want you to know and take comfort that you WILL feel better when you are ready to and it will get easier xoxoxo

I know it has been awhile since you posted this conversation. I do hope that this finds you in a better mental state (meaning out of auto pilot) I just wanted to share with you that we recently found out that my FIL was diagnosed recently with end of life COPD, given 6mths to live. I am very close to him as it was because of him that I met his son. He took me out of a very bad situation and gave me a safe place to be. It seems to me that I am morning him before a loss, and it is heartbreaking that he is so ill, as when I was pregnant with my son he was in an induced coma and almost died 6 times.

I also wanted to let you know to take your time in healing, I do not remember if this is your first child or not. But if you can get through your pregnancy your baby will help you to heal.

There is absolutely no set time on how long it is suposed to take someone to heal from the loss of a loved one. It does not matter how long you have been part of the family, he is still family. I lost my mother to complications of her diabetes in 1991, when I was just shy of 6 years old (wow this is a lot of 6's) I grieved her death until just about three years ago now. Makes no difference who the person it takes no specified amount of time to recover. I agree with Tamara do not hesitate to seek professional help, its what they are there for, I am not a doctor but do know that there is nothing they feel safe prescribing for anxiety when you are pregnant, and unfortunately in this difficult time this is what would help I think. I hope that things get better for you and have since you posted this.

Don't apologize for your question. I think that you need to give yourself time. Loss isn't easy and we cannot expect one person to grieve the same way we do and we never know how we will grieve. Don't push too hard, but don't let yourself get lost. If you feel like you need to talk with a professional do that. It really is about finding out what will make you feel better. I lost my grandmother just last year and if this baby was a girl we were going to give her my grandmothers middle name (I'm also due on my grandma's birthday) That was what would make me feel better. My sister got married a little more the a month after we lost her and she set a chair with flowers to remember her. It's what will get you to feel like you honor and remember your loved on. Again don't expect yourself to feel better in x amount of time it is different for everyone.I'm sorry for your loss.