Monthly Archives: March 2014

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Cello Joe
Cello Joe is a dude in flip flops and a fedora, with a mic, a loop pedal and, of course, a cello. He combines these three instruments to make some pretty weird music-think hip-hop cello with hippy-dippy lyrics about the harmfulness of materialism, luxury cars and television. [source]

"Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded."
"Ooh. Oh boy, Rick. I don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know."
"Uhh, Morty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. I'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded."
"Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that feel like they're doing the right thing."
"Well, that's retarded." (Rick and Morty, S01E09)

(WWE Raw, 03-24-14)

(From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E03)

"I sent him a bunch of drunk texts last night."
"Oh dear Lord… 'I miss the way that your hands smell'? Did you write an entire Jewel song in here?" (New Girl, S03E20)

"The name of my first-born child has to be Reginald VelJohnson." (New Girl, S03E20)

Nick likes Circa Survive (New Girl, S03E20)

"You can't handle the me!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E22)

Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: B

"Could I just quickly point out our luxury bath service, sir? We have five outrageously decadent baths that I can prepare for you at a moment's notice. I should just point out, though, that our Pharoah's Fantasy does take a dash longer, normally, because our Nubian lives off-site." (Modern Family, S05E18)

"If I'm not Bowser, I'm definitely freakin' Wario. I'm no bitch ass Toad."
"I'm not even in the same game as you bitches. I'm in Diddy Kong Racing, baby."
"Wait a second. If we're changing games, I'm Pierce Brosnan in 007." (Workaholics, S04E10)

RT: "I was kind of surprised they went there with the sound. I can't really recall another scene in a TV drama where a character shits, but it's played naturally, without comedy. So kudos to the foley person for their shit work." (The Americans, S02E05)

"My earlier attempt to live as Batman was halfhearted jest, the stuff of Schumacher." (Review, S01E04)

"Being Batman: four stars." (Review, S01E04)

"This car is the default setting."
"It's like it was designed while someone was sleeping or something."
"And then one guy was like, 'We should put some wipers on the headlights.' That guy got fired." (Portlandia, S04E05)

What other big name features can we expect on your upcoming album besides Wiz Khalifa?
I've spoken already with Juvenile. I'm in talks right now with DMX and MGK. I spoke a little bit with E-40. I already got John Cena on two tracks.

"Woo-hoo! Outkast said yes! How much money does that leave us for the undercard?"
"Erm…"

Rory: Countyfairchella.

Jon: Heh. Now I want to listen to "Hook."

Jon: [air harmonica] Suck it in suck it in suck it in if you're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn…Rory: [pause]

Jon: Remember when Weezer toured playing their "Blue Album" and Pinkerton in full on consecutive nights? Third Eye Blind should do that with their self-titled debut and Blue.Rory: Josh Karlin-Resnick would like that.

Jon: According to Wikipedia, Ed Kowalczyk didn't leave Live until 2009 — 2009!Jon: Also: Live is still together!

"Let's eat later tomorrow."
"What?"
"We ate dinner early tonight. You don't want to say grace as much when you're hungry."
"Would you stop being so reasonable?" (The Americans, S02E04)

"You know where he was for most of my birthdays? A little place that rhymes with 'not there.'"
"Times Square?" (Community, S05E10)

(Community, S05E10)

"I am ranking topics of conversation for our next phone call. What do you think should be higher priority: Infinity scarves, or whether or not it's worth it for me to get Showtime?" (Parks and Recreation, S06E17)

"There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins." (Parks and Recreation, S06E17)

Previously on Adam Riff™: I am elated that a weekly magic television programme exists (Troy).

All of Troy's magic tricks involving iPhones

Steven: until someone can fly, david copperfield is the best magicianSteven: nobody has touched that oneJon: oh, definitely. david copperfield flying is the best illusion i've seen in my lifetime. it's so amazing that he stopped making television specials soon after

Jon: damn, the special in which he flies is 22 years oldJon: idea: "magic of david copperfield" television specials, rankedSteven: "flying" is his wrestlemania x-seven

Sometime around the third day of SXSW Interactive, I started forgetting exactly why I'd come. The Austin-based event I'd signed up for had been advertised as a tech conference, but when I arrived, I found it was just an all-purpose capitalist carnival.

Pennzoil and Oreo were there, as was Kleenex, which had rented a house-sized exhibit to show off its Cottonelle toilet paper to the estimated 30,000 techies in attendance.

It's like a convention you would see on The Simpsons. Conan should send Triumph next year.

Berry Blitz Bite (Good Chemistry)white chocolate, blueberries, cranberries
I wanted to try Mountain Medicine's blueberry pie bar, a High Times Cannabis Cup winner, but it was only available on the medical menu, and I was only allowed to buy stuff on the recreational menu, so I settled for a bon bon. I should've checked its serving size, because, 16 hours later… How am I still high?! Is it safe to go swimming like this?

"Buff" Mac (The Sink)pasta shells tossed with west flander's beer cheese sauce and crispy fried chicken strips with bleu cheese and scallions
I thought this would be, like, a special University of Colorado mac-n-cheese. Nope. Just a buffalo chicken mac-n-cheese. I may have still been high.

Alaskan Reindeer Dog (Biker Jim's Gourmet Dogs)stilton bleu cheese, bacon red onion marmalade, lemon z and french fried onionsFried Mac N Cheese (Biker Jim's Gourmet Dogs)
Alas, the Rattlesnake and Pheasant Dog was sold out, and it didn't occur to me at the time that a Jack-a-lope Dog is a blend of jackrabbit and antelope. The description just read "mythically delicious."

Jon: Why do I have to have a bio on [redacted]'s website?Boss: Because you're part of our team.Jon: But I come off as a loser compared to everyone else! I mean… "A student of film in college, Jon views hundreds of films per year and can quickly evaluate and improve content." [pause] If you have to resort to that, then why bother?Boss: Ryan just drafted something. Re-write it.

An English major, Jon views hundreds of hours of television per year and can spend three hours composing a 94-word blog post.

In the foothills of Hickory, North Carolina, four rival barter teams leave no stone unturned in order to find the items that will earn them a weekly paycheck. [source]

Zoo Detective

Freaks and Sikhs
Indian carnies

Freese Company
Baseball player opens a sperm bank

Mike: I had an idea for a recurring sketch about guys who in the new weed economies make fake, nonsmokable weed for grow house supply showrooms. They take it as seriously and as stupidly seriously as real weed ppl take weed.Jon: Display drugs, like plastic Japanese food.Mike: Yes!!Jon: Or what if they made non-psychoactive drugs, like non-alcoholic beer?

"I want to like it; it just looks like barf." (MasterChef Canada, S01E07)

"I'm-a plant a red fern for you, jug." (Archer, S05E06)

"Kriegerands." (Archer, S05E06)

"There's no way a superstar like Kenny Loggins is gonna be registered under his own name."
"Yeah, it's not like he's Messina."
"Don't do that. Don't ever do that!"
"Sorry!"
"You should be. Jim Messina is a genius. And without him, no Poco." (Archer, S05E06)

"I have a lot of pretty major expenses coming up, and since we haven't been paid…"
"WIC! It's like welfare, but for babies. I don't know, I'm not a Democrat, but I think they give you a birth cheese." (Archer, S05E06)

"How about you get on your magic carpet, and, and fly with a woman, and have her not close her eyes, 'cause I know the words! You're not special! I know words to a lot of Disney tracks!" (Workaholics, S04E07)

"That's the same exact song he did earlier. It's just a different name."
"Well, he's human after all. Mexican-human, maybe."
"Yeah, taking our jobs."
"Whoa…"
"No, I'm not saying that!" (Workaholics, S04E07)

"Larry, just tell him I need to reschedule because I am trying to fix my bee hole disaster." (Parks and Recreation, S06E15)

'Olivia Wilde taking her top off' running joke (Portlandia, S04E02)

"I'm here in the house of God, name of 'church.'" (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E02)

"My next guest is wizard." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E02)

B: Hey, can you drive my dad to the airport?Jon: You know, just because I don't have set work hours doesn't mean I can be your personal Uber.

INT. LEXUS – AFTERNOON

Jon: So where are you staying?Uncle: The Palazzo. You want to come with? My room has two beds.

[pause]

Devil Jon: You've been to Vegas before without anything but the clothes on your back…Angel Jon: But you need to save money to travel to Canada to see the third Trailer Park Boys movie on opening weekend!Devil Jon: Orrrr you can pay for that trip by playing craps.