Joking that she had recently been fighting ‘her own cold-war’ she has promised to create jobs, housing and economic stability for both countries with the addition of 17 million new jobs and luxury housing for those made homeless by the conflict.

In front of an audience of millions, a frail 56 year old woman collapsed onto a nubile dancer – impaling him on a pair of spiked breasts. While the O2 crowd were shocked to see the young dancer bleed to death, the elderly Madonna Louise Ciccone survived the incident thanks the elasticity of a body made solely from silicone, collagen and an inflated ego.

In a week when two ex-Foreign Secretaries have been accused of corruption, many around Westminster were gratified to discover that no politician had ever done ‘a day’s work’ in exchange for a parliamentary salary.