LET it never be said that I don’t put in a lot of hard graft for all you readers.

There are columnists out there who dismiss the very idea of research – they are all rant, no rigour.

But when I decided to deal with the George Osborne affair, I realised there was work to be done before I could truly comprehend what it means to be a public school toff, schmoozing with the super rich.

So I bought a cinema ticket, then, weighed down with buttered popcorn and a jumbo-sized hotdog, immersed myself in Brideshead Revisited.

It’s not the best of films, but I can recommend the Evelyn Waugh novel on which it’s based.

Written in 1945, it deals, like most Waugh books, with the empty lives and careless cruelty of upper class England.

Posh people get squiffy, get married, have affairs, grow bored, become jaded...

Then it’s time for another snifter of exceedingly fine brandy, followed by the random slaughter of a fox or three.

The Osborne affair doesn’t contain all those ingredients, but then I suppose it can’t be easy hunting foxes on an oligarch’s yacht in Corfu.

However, the Waugh angle is important.

More important than the accusation that Osborne took part in dubious discussions about Tory party finances with Russia’s wealthiest man, Oleg Deripaska.

The real blow to Osborne – and to his boss David Cameron – is that the holiday on the yacht reminds the British electorate of an inconvenient truth.

The Tories are once more the party of toffs, titles and swaggering entitlement.

The three most powerful Conservatives in the land, Cameron, Osborne and Boris Johnson, all went to prestigious public schools.

Two of them – Cameron and Johnson – were at Eton, where they learned many valuable lessons, including how one balances a top hat on one’s head.

Then they glided inevitably onwards to Oxford – not so much a university as a fortress of privilege.

Once there, the charmed chaps joined the notorious Bullington Club, an Oxford society that welcomes old money while promoting new vices.

In other words, Brideshead Revisited... revisited.

Over the last few years, Cameron’s Conservatives have struggled to re-brand themselves as a fresh alternative to the old style Tories.

That they most definitely are – their blood is a darker shade of blue.

From the late 70s onwards, the Tory leadership became more representative of Britain than it had been in the past.

Margaret Thatcher was the daughter of a lower middle class grocer. Norman Tebbit’s working class father struggled through unemployment. Nigel Lawson and Michael Howard both came from immigrant stock.

In comparison, the ‘new’ Tories are as fresh and thrilling an alternative as a sexist gag in the comedy routine of Roy Chubby Brown.

The Cameron Crew always complain when interviewers remind them of their origins, arguing that they should be judged on actions, not roots.

Fair enough.

It wasn’t their fault that they were born supping from silver spoons.

But instead of handing those polished implements to the local Oxfam shop when they were old enough, they chose to accrue entire cutlery sets.

And no more sexy vamps with names like Pussy Galore for 007. Instead, he’d ravish blonde lap dancers in the back alley round the back of China White’s Nightclub.

Meanwhile the tuxedo and bow tie would be replaced by a Shell Suit.

Class!

2) Joey takes over as Joey... in Friends.

Talk of a Friends movie continues. Wouldn’t it be intriguing of Matt LeBlanc’s role as the lovable roué, Joey Tribbiani, was taken by Barton?

In this heart warming feature length episode, Joey could batter Ross senseless on a night out. Then hammer Chandler, give Rachel a friendly head-butt, before stubbing out a cigarette in Monica’s eye and setting Pheobe’s hair alight.

Meanwhile the theme tune would change to: “So no one told you life was gonna be this way. Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, and Joey’s become a one man affray!”

3) Joey marries Madonna.

If one person can control bang ‘em senseless Barton, it’s Madge. After spending roughly twenty-three-and-a-half hours in the gym every day of her adult life, she’s certainly got the muscles for it.

And being a material girl, Madonna would come in handy the next time Joey’s in court.

As a material witness.

4) Joey takes on the Taliban

Parachute him into Afghanistan, then explain there are no bars or off licenses – and it’s all the fault of some blokes with long beards.

Barton would sort it out in a day, turning downtown Kabul into the double of Liverpool city centre. In other words, 100 times worse than anything the Taliban ever did to it.

5) Joey swaps places with Bruce Parry

An adventurer and world explorer, Barton is confronted by remote tribes who make their homes everywhere from the Amazon to the Andes.

And the reaction is always the same.

“I’m shocked! I didn’t realise people could live in such a basic way, so close to savagery,” ...say the elders from the remote tribes.