Q-What kind of gesture is Detroit manager Sparky Anderson making by refusing to coach replacement players?

A-The one with a finger.

Q-But isn't it true that the Toronto owners told Cito Gaston he couldn't even manage the Blue Jays' replacement players?

A-Something the press has been saying for years.

Q-But what do you call Kevin Kennedy of Boston or Johnny Oates of Texas, who say they are going right ahead as if nothing is different?

A-Replacement managers.

Q-Is any manager handling it right?

A-Dusty Baker of San Francisco, who said that baseball is the house where he and his players live and replacement players are only renters.

Q-What is a replacement player, anyway?

A-Someone who knows the price of dreams. In this case, $115,000 a season.

Q-Didn't General Manager Bill Bavasi of the California Angels say that they aren't replacement players until they play?

A-And a stench isn't an odor until someone smells it.

Q-Is Oil Can Boyd a typical replacement player?

A-Oil Can Boyd is a typical oil can.

Q-Aren't some of the other names Leon Durham and Pedro Guerrero and Mitch Williams and Herm Winningham?

A-Herm is not a name, it is a crochet stitch.

Q-If teams are mixing replacement players with minor leaguers, how will anyone be able to tell them apart?

A-Yell "Herm!" and see who blushes.

Q-Is there anything good that can be said about so cynical and arrogant a concoction as replacement players?

A-The Cubs have a new excuse for losing.

Q-But do baseball owners really think that even by lowering prices they can make anyone forget about Frank Thomas and Ken Griffey Jr. and Roger Clemens and Greg Maddux and Albert Belle and Jose Canseco and Tony Gwynn and Matt Williams?

A-Who?

Q-What are the chances the Orioles will stick to their guns and not play in any spring training games that involve replacement players?

A-Better than Donald Fehr picking up Bud Selig's dinner check.

Q-And how are the labor talks going?

A-Like two hermit crabs sharing the same shell.

Q-What again are those five conditions under which the union would tell its players to come back to work?

A-We win. We win. We win. We win. We win.

Q-Has the president promised not to throw out the first ball unless the strike is over?

A-Or threatened.

Q-Now that Phillies maverick Lenny Dykstra has apologized for saying he might break with the strike, are all the players his friends again?

A-Dykstra is as well liked as ever.

Q-With Toronto and maybe Montreal not going to allow replacement players, how is it that Canada won't accept phony, cut-rate baseball, but the good old U.S. of A. will?