Sunday, February 3, 2013

Say hello to me. I am a liberal fascist and I am not amused. First of all, Imran Khan is back and he is back with a bang. Did you see his new haircut on Najam Sethi’s show? This man is up to something, I tell you, and it doesn’t look so good.

I think this is all a conspiracy to derail democracy. First they launch Imran Khan and make him popular, then God knows why they ‘un-launch’ him to make him less popular, and now they do the ultimate. They re-launch him and make him more popular.

And they say I’m the one who can’t make up my mind.

Then, as if all this launching and re-launching was not enough, now they are naming their snow storms after Imran Khan. Yes, there is a storm called Khan happening somewhere across the Atlantic, and no matter what the Weather Channel says about their love for Star Trek names, I am pretty sure this is a plot of the establishment to get rid of Zardari and launch Imran Khan. (As if Zardari was going anywhere and Imran Khan needed the launching).

I mean if they love Star Trek, they could have easily called their storm The Rehman Malik, couldn’t they?

Note to self: Must do long march about it.

Oh, but I just remembered, I don’t do long marches any more. That’s something I do when there are dictators ruling the country. Once dictators are gone, I just sit back and support drones.

I also support brand Bhutto – and why not? I love Bhutto. Yet, when other women express their love for Imran Khan, I am quick to remind them that it’s their estrogen talking.

Seriously, I do that a lot.

And I can see that it really irritates the women out of their skulls, and they want to punch my nose into my brain, and call me an undemocratic chauvinist. But then the beauty of this whole activity is that I am a liberal fascist, I operate in groups and target the polite-slash-alone types who really don’t want to fight in the middle of a conference.

The aggressive ones I usually avoid, and just use as isolated references to play the victim. And since I always have the inside information about various conspiracies backing Imran Khan, I have a special expertise in acting superior and rolling my eyes and smirking with fake sympathy at the alleged simplicity of PTI fans. They know that if they get frustrated with me, I will call them trolls; a term I use for the over emotional PTI prototype, applying it to all others the moment they say Khan.

But let me tell you my secret. These trolls are my biggest strength, because they are more emotional than rational, and more belligerent than eloquent. I am perfectly capable of understanding these traits and trace their psychological roots into their socio-economic and educational backgrounds, yet this is one academic analysis I am never going to perform. . I would sit on Twitter and make derogatory remarks about whoever supports Khan, yet when derogatory remarks are made against me, I will act indignant and cry troll.

I have my own icons in my civil society whom I worship like gods. I won’t hear a word against them and label anyone a conservative illiterate the moment they criticise them. Yet I won’t reconcile with the colossal support for an international icon and the undying loyalties he evokes amongst the masses.

I have different yardsticks to judge different people. I want Imran Khan to be a perfect angel directly imported from heaven, while I cover up the major corruption done by all the others just because they are saving democracy. I ridicule Imran Khan for changing his stance when he is candid enough to concede a miscalculation; yet I happily endorse the dishonest flip flopping of the other politicians all in the name of reconciliation.

Basically, I can be as unreasonable as any of the trolls. I just speak better English and use better words.

But please don’t confuse me with the other kinds of liberals in this country. There are many more who are less fascist and more liberal, and they are the ones who give me real heartache.

Look at Mr Sethi, for example, and the way he behaved on his show this week. I mean doesn’t he know that behind every successful politician, there is an anchorperson who doesn’t scream? So what business did he have not screaming at Imran Khan and making him look so good? Not once did he cut him short and not once did he call him a Taliban sympathiser. In fact, he did the unthinkable. He gave Imran Khan respect like respect should be given to a leader of his stature (gasp!).

Note to self: Must fly drones about it.

But still there was one thing missing from the interview and it’s called the clash of the red mufflers.

I mean once you hear that Mr S is going to talk to Mr K, the least you expect them to do is to wear their red mufflers together and put up a show. Which makes me wonder: why do they wear those red mufflers any way? Is there a secret red muffler cult and Mr Sethi is its president? Or does the ISI use the muffler to give IK his super powers? Or maybe there is only one muffler doing the rounds and they both lend it to each other to save democracy. I mean has anyone even seen IK and NS wear the same muffler in the same room, like EVER?

Which reminds me, do you know what else NS stands for, if not Najam Sethi? Go figure it out, get some perspective, and experience your ultimate conspiracy moment just like me.

The writer is a teaching fellow at the Department of Humanities and Social Sciences, LUMS. Email: adiahafraz@ gmail.com

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With Regards,"Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf FATA Volunteers" Team.