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On Saturday, Kate Middleton celebrated her 34th birthday. According to Royal Correspondent, Emily Andrews, she spent her birthday pheasant hunting with Prince William and friends.

Yeah, that’s kind of like when the guy you’re dating suggests taking you to a strip club for your birthday and buying you a lap dance because he thinks that would be so hot and so you dump him. Except Kate actually went pheasant hunting.

On Sunday, the Middletons accompanied Kate on the walk to St. Mary Magdalene Church with Prince William, two of Princess Charlotte’s godparents, James Meade and Sophie Carter, Prince Philip, the Queen’s cousin, The Honourable Mary Morrison, and Penelope Eastwood, joining Her Majesty for Church Services. Well, isn’t that special?!

Kate wore the same Michael Kors suit she wore to church services on December 27th almost identically styled.

Normally, you would see this sort of suit with tissues tucked up the sleeve and accessorized with compression stockings and reading glasses dangling from an eyeglass chain, sort of the unofficial uniform of celibacy. Kate looked liked she was in dire need of being ravaged by something other than time.

The photos in the Daily Mail are pretty gruesome, so are most of the comments.

The brutalness of remarks about Kate’s rapidly aging appearance was exceeded only by criticism over the increasing presence of the social-climbing Middletons basking in a status that is not afforded to in-laws.

Back from their St. Barts getaway, James wore his somewhat tamed furry face monster and Pippa a fur hat.

Pippa’s hat on Sunday bore a striking resemblance to one Kate has worn several times.

Carole decided to wear her fur around her neck. I’m not sure what is more disturbing, the Middleton’s fondness for bloodsport and fur, or Carole being so visibly excited about Walking with the Windsors that the world now knows what the Middleton matriarch’s orgasm face looks like.

Kate did follow royal protocol on Sunday by curtseying to the Queen. At least, the Daily Mail identified whatever this was as such.

When Kate’s heel got stuck on St. Patrick’s Day 2013 in a grate, she executed a better curtsey, even if accidentally. Then again, her head was bowed in reverence because it was her shoe after all. Perhaps Her Majesty would get a little more respect from the duchess if she came in suede.

In addition to Sunday’s curious curtsey expression, I still can’t figure out if a chunk of Kate’s hair fell out somewhere along the way or if it’s just the way the light is hitting it giving the appearance of a bald spot.

After church services, Kate’s family departed before a brief memorial ceremony commemorating the 100th Anniversary of the tragic Gallipoli campaign during which several soldiers who had worked at Sandringham died. According to the Daily Mail, Kate’s family, “walked straight back to Sandringham House after church with other members of the Royal party.”

For the Middletons,the Royal party never seems to end. Perhaps maintaining a sense of entitlement keeps the royal hang-over away.

“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.”
-Sam Ewing, Professional Baseball Player

In December, the UK experienced record-breaking rainfall making it the wettest month in the over hundred years since weather data has been kept. The amount of precipitation has had devastating effects on areas throughout the UK. In December, more than 16,000 homes in England were flooded, roads collapsed and bridges were obliterated, with Cumbria, Lancashire and Yorkshire the hardest hit.

During the severe weather that besieged the UK, while elected officials played dodgeball with blame and tried to convince citizens that amongst the looming storm clouds, silver linings were somewhere nestled, the response from the unelected royals was for the most part underwhelming.

On December 8th, in the aftermath of Storm Desmond, the Queen stated, “Please convey my sympathy to all those whose homes or livelihoods have been affected by the recent flooding. My thanks got to members of the emergency services, local authorities, military personnel and volunteers who are providing assistance in these difficult conditions.” Her Majesty is 89 and the Head of State so it’s not like she was going to slip on a pair of Wellies and help residents drag their soaked moldy couches to the curb, but she’s worth about $500 million, maybe she could have sent a few hampers full of snacks so business owners picking through the wreckage of their livelihoods could have a little something to nibble on or perhaps had some bottles of whisky sent over from Balmoral, people who have had everything they own destroyed often appreciate a nip.

One thing I could never understand about members of the British Royal Family is why they always get gifts at engagements, even when visiting areas that have suffered total devastation. People who have been through horrible tragedies and are trying to scrape the pieces of their lives back together give the unbelievably privileged royals presents as a thank you for their presence. It’s bizarre. I’d make for a terrible royal, I would be up all night baking cookies as a little pick-me-up for those who have been through hell, putting together care packages for people whose lives have been ripped apart because I was taught that as a guest, you should never arrive empty-handed. Shouldn’t the royals be the ones bearing gifts?

Prince Charles is really the only royal who stepped up to help those whose homes and businesses were hit by the flooding. He responded to the destruction by Storm Desmond in Cumbria by making a personal donation of an undisclosed sum and allocating £40,000 from the Prince’s Countryside Fund to help with the recovery while the Business Emergency Resilience Group set up by Prince Charles provided aid to impacted businesses. On December 21st, Prince Charles visited afflicted areas of Cumbria. On New Year’s Eve Prince Charles’ wife Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, became the second working royal to visit the affected regions when she accompanied her husband on a surprise visit to Ballater in Aberdeenshire which had been battered by Storm Frank which caused River Dee to burst its banks. Prince Charles walked around, expressing his concern to flood victims, but according to resident Dawn Rennie, “drew the line at helping with the mopping up!”

Not that anyone expected Prince Charles to be pushing around a pole with a fibered head around, that’s totally his son’s thing. Prince Charles did something pretty royally amazing, though, he had the cooks at his Birkhall estate prepare meals for some local residents who had to be evacuated from their homes. Okay, so he directed people who worked for him to cook for flood victims, but in Royal World these days, that’s practically the equivalent of giving a stranger a kidney.

So where were the rest of the royals? Well, Prince William was spotted pheasant hunting on New Year’s Day in Norfolk. Prince Edward, Sophie, and their two children were photographed out on a pheasant hunt a couple of days later. Apparently the Windsors just didn’t get in enough bloodsport in at the traditional Boxing Day Pheasant Hunt. If you ever feel in need of being super-bummed out about the cruel realities of these pheasant hunts complete with a story of nearby children being psychologically scarred by one of Prince Philip’s shooting parties, here’s a grim glimpse into the royal bloodsport: http://animalaid.org.uk/h/n/NEWS/news_shooting/ALL/811//

The worst of the floods hit Yorkshire on Boxing Day when Prince Andrew would have been busy killing pheasant and probably unbuttoning his pants after a large meal or just because he’s gross. But somewhere along the way someone remembered that Prince Andrew was the Duke of York so a statement was released on December 28th, “I am sorry to hear about the severe flooding across Yorkshire and the devastating impact it is having on so many homes and businesses. My thoughts are with everyone in Yorkshire that is affected at this time.” By that time, biker clubs were in Yorkshire guarding evacuated homes and businesses which were being targeted by looters but I’m sure Prince Andrew’s message super-helped out, too.

On January 6th, the 82-year-old Duchess of Kent who is retired from royal duty save for the very rare event and prefers to go by Katharine Kent while she does her charity work quietly and without fuss made a private visit to York. Before the Duke of York. But the widely criticized Prince Andrew made his way up there yesterday, talked to some flood victims, did some pointing, and had his umbrella held for him. As the Daily Mail pointed out, the picture of Andrew having his umbrella held for him was posted by him on his own Twitter account. Hopefully the roasting he is getting for being too important to hold his own umbrella at least helped to dry out some of Yorkshire.

Unfortunately overnight, Aberdeenshire got another wave of flooding with River Don bursting its banks.

It’s just too bad that William and Kate are the types of characters who don’t turn up at all. Their totally sucking might just absorb some of this water, the UK’s had enough.

Sunday November 8th was Remembrance Day in the UK, a solemn day honoring the sacrifices of war and those who have fallen in current and past conflicts including the First and Second World Wars.

This year, the British Royal Family was joined by King Willem-Alexander and Queen Maxima in commemoration of the 70th anniversary of the liberation of the Netherlands from Nazi occupation. King Willem-Alexander participated in the wreath-laying ceremony at the Cenotaph in Whitehall while Queen Maxima joined Kate Middleton, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, and Timothy Laurence on the Foreign Office balcony to watch the service.

Because Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall is presently on a tour of New Zealand and Australia with Prince Charles, Kate was the most senior member of the British Royal Family this year on the balcony. Many royal watchers wondered how Kate would fare in the presence of the dynamic, intelligent, regal, quadrilingual, and accomplished Queen Maxima, especially considering Kate has struggled with event-appropriate demeanor since joining the British Royal Family.

The Neverland Duchess wore Alexander McQueen for her balcony appearance with the Netherlands Queen.

Kate’s ill-fitting Alexander McQueen coat was bespoke. Once again Kate’s bespoke has left me bespeechless. I’m baffled how clothing custom-made according to Kate’s measurements and tailored to her body could wind up looking like it was picked up from an irregulars bin at a flea market. London is world-renowned for its tailoring, it actually has famous tailors. One was even awarded the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire for services to tailoring. So why does Kate keep winding up with couture that looks like a Home Ec assignment gone horribly wrong?

The only way this would vaguely even make sense is if she had scuba gear on under her coat because she and William were planning on jetting off to Mustique immediately after the service.

Caribbean happy thoughts might explain why Kate kept closing her eyes during the Remembrance Sunday service… her face probably looks a bit different when she closes her eyes and thinks of England. Kate’s next scheduled event isn’t until the 17th and the Cambridges were rumored to be Mustique-bound in November.

Perhaps thoughts of flight were behind the butterfly fascinator which resembled cat ears, calling to mind the bunny ear pillbox hat of last year’s Anzac Day.

Groucho Marx said, “Humor is reason gone mad.” I can only assume Kate’s brows were intended to lighten the mood.

With cracks visible in Kate’s facade, many wondered how she would hold up as the most senior role alongside the much loved and larger-than-life Queen Maxima, given her past widely criticized appearances on Remembrance Sunday.

In 2011, Kate joined Camilla, Sophie and Timothy Laurence on the Foreign Office Balcony, visibly enjoying being royal on a balcony. A festive Kate smiled and laughed, played with her hair, made faces, seemingly not grasping that most people view war and death with sadness.

Kate’s crack-ups proved infectious and the normally restrained Sophie lost her composure when Camilla suddenly disappeared from view. One was not amused. The following year the Queen appointed her Lady in Waiting, Lady Susan Hussey to the balcony.

Under the watchful eye of Lady Susan Hussey, the royals scarcely dared to blink. Kate behaved to the best of her abilities.

Without the adult supervision of Lady Susan Hussey in 2013, all of Kate’s pent-up crazy from the previous year’s Remembrance Sunday manifested in a flirty hair-twirling lark for the duchess who thought perhaps others might not be so bummed about lost loved ones if her hair looked pretty enough.

In 2014, Kate and Sophie showed up in nearly identical coats which seemed to have a sobering effect on Kate who was less expressive and exuberant than the previous year.

With the exception of her curiously closed eyes, Groucho Marx brows and questionable headgear, I think Kate did a good job this year on the balcony, but honestly it’s becoming more difficult to tell with diminished expectation. Kate didn’t burst out laughing during the service honoring fallen servicemen and servicewomen, she didn’t flash anyone or spend an inordinate amount of time checking her extensions or searching her hair for Drops of Jupiter, she didn’t spin around really fast with her arms outspread to see if she could turn into Wonder Woman and she didn’t try to start a Mexican wave on the Foreign Office Balcony. And maybe the Catwoman headgear is a positive sign.

Sure, at first the Queen might be resistant to Catwoman Catherine but Kate’s only other career aspiration is inherently flawed.

Our Fair Waity is all grown up and has attended her very first state banquet honoring Chinese President Xi Jinping. Despite speculation to the contrary, it looks like after four and a half years of marriage and producing the heir and spare, Kate Middleton still hasn’t been awarded an order by Her Majesty. No Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II, an honor bestowed on female members of the British Royal Family by Her Majesty.

Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II

Current members of the British Royal Family who have the Royal Family Order are Princess Anne, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, Princess Alexandra, Birgitte, Duchess of Gloucester and Katharine, Duchess of Kent. I guess even the Queen still thinks of the Duchess as Kate Middleton.

Kate’s third tiara event was a repeat of the Papyrus Lotus Flower tiara and the diamond drop earrings she paired with the tiara at the 2013 Annual Diplomat’s Reception. With an Art Deco bracelet and diamond bangle on loan from the Queen, Kate wore a bespoke red Jenny Packham gown to the state banquet.

Just like in 2013, the paparazzi captured the Backseat Bentley Pre-Event Reveal.

And Kate looked every inch the natural beauty that she is.

Some plastic surgeons believe Kate has had more than one nose job. Hopefully Kate lays off of any further tweaking, the tip of her nose is starting to look like a butt.

On her way into the banquet held at Buckingham Palace, Kate did her signature crotch clutch move, engaging her escort, Wang Huning, in delightful disconnected silence.

Not only does Kate struggle with giving speeches, she apparently struggles with listening to them as well.

Kate was seated at the top table with the evening’s guests of honor.

The future Queen Consort was partially obscured by a large candelabrum which I’m sure is entirely coincidental and not any kind of attempt to camouflage any potential gaffes made by the Duchess of Cambridge.

Long before Kate Middleton became the Duchess of Cambridge, there were many doubts as to what kind of wife and future Queen consort she would make. Reportedly, courtiers thought Jecca Craig was better suited to the role while Prince Charles was of the opinion Isabella Calthorpe was the best match for both William and royal duties. William’s friends didn’t care who William wound up with as long as he was happy and it wasn’t Kate. The Queen, who has dedicated her life to duty, had her reservations about an adult woman who never held a job or did any charity work. Fully aware of the public’s perception of Waity Katie, Her Majesty advised Kate to take a break from waity-ing and actually do something. And so a long rich tradition of making excuses for Kate’s pathological laziness was born.

In 2006, against all odds, Kate found an employer, Belle Robinson, who accommodated Kate’s status as Prince William’s Beck and Call Girl and offered her a position as a Junior Accessories Buyer at Jigsaw, a part-time job Kate for which rarely showed up. Robinson explained in an interview that Kate, “needed an element of flexibility to continue the relationship with a very high-profile man and a life that she can’t dictate. She’s going to be dictated to when she’s needed and not needed.” If Kate had truly allowed William to have such control over her life that she was unable to establish any kind of parameters that would permit her to work part-time, then that’s not a relationship, that’s Stockholm Syndrome. Along with taking frequent extended holidays, Kate couldn’t even be bothered with showing up just two days a week and quit, citing paparazzi harassment even though she could have easily avoided them altogether by going out the side entrance. Such a shame, too, because if it weren’t for her dictator boyfriend brainwashing, avoidable photographers and a possible undiagnosed imaginary medical condition requiring frequent suntan oil application on tropical beaches, that Jigsaw job so totally could have maybe not really been something Kate could pretend to do willingly.

Of course, Kate couldn’t go back to doing nothing so soon after so briefly barely doing anything so she claimed she was going to study portrait photography with Mario Testino who very rudely could not even recall ever having had a conversation with her about it. How was Kate to know Mario wouldn’t be able to recall something that never happened? Whatever happened to the good old days when photographers did so many drugs they would remember having tea with the Kraken if asked about it?

With so few job listings for ambitionless unreliable prince girlfriends looking to kill time between holidays, Kate had no other choice than pretend to work for her family’s business, Party Pieces. Except that when Kate’s sister, Pippa, was asked what Kate’s job was, Pippa drew a blank and referred the press to the website. But someone forgot to update the Party Pieces website to include Kate’s name and purported title. Claims that Kate was Party Pieces’ photographer were exposed as less than truthful when it was discovered Millie Pilkington was Party Piece’s photographer. No one could really blame Kate for not wanting to do anything for Party Pieces beyond a couple of obviously staged photo-ops for the paps, I mean if they can’t even get their stories straight about a simple lie, they clearly can’t be trusted with far more complex manipulations. And obviously it was not Kate’s fault that Millie Pilkington’s parents didn’t have the forethought to name their daughter Kate Middleton.

Fortunately, when Kate became Duchess of Cambridge, she had PR reps, the press and supporters to come up with the excuses for her chronic laziness which was a huge burden that was lifted. It’s just so exhausting sometimes trying to explain one’s own idleness.

During her first year as a member of the Royal Family, Kate only managed 34 engagements which would have been an even lower number had Kate not asked to tack a visit to the US onto the back of the Canada tour so she could meet Hollywood celebrities. While the Royal Family didn’t wanted Kate to feel the same kind of pressures Diana did during her first year as a royal in which she performed 170 public engagements and did everything they could to ease Kate’s transition into royal life, 34 was low even for someone who the Royal Family had reservations about because of a long established history of laziness. Despite suggestions to the contrary, Kate wasn’t being held captive in a bell jar with sensors attached to her psyche while official engagements were dispensed slowly in the form of test pellets. Official statements from the Palace over the years have consistently indicated that the Duchess of Cambridge sets her own schedule. The very press that ridiculed Waity Katie for years elevated the Duchess of Cambridge to icon status overnight, journalists had a whole new royal fairytale to sell newspapers and magazines, they certainly weren’t going to let something as minor as the truth effect sales. So what if Kate accepted a job she had no intention of doing, her hair was so shiny.

Kate’s second year of duchessing in 2012 saw her undertake 111 engagements. The total was extremely low for a full-time working royal, while some eyes were rolled at the time at Kate’s obvious aversion to work, little did the world know that Kate barely breaking double digits would in hindsight look like a Herculean effort for the duty-ducking duchess. And of course there was that whole topless then bottomless scandal which happened while the Duke and Duchess were bagging on the Paralympic Closing Ceremonies in favor of a French get-away to distract from Kate’s event numbers. The name of Diana was invoked and blurry balcony bits gave Kate a Get Out of Criticism Free Card.

In 2013, Kate only managed a meager 44 engagements. It was announced Kate suffered from Hyperemesis Gravidarum while pregnant with George which effected her ability to perform her duties. She could still run around in heels, shop, drive back and forth to her parents’ house, take Caribbean holidays, along with other activities genuine sufferers of Hyperemesis Gravidarum noted would never be possible if Kate was truly suffering from it. Kate was somehow able to manage nine hour flights but was too sick to undertake official engagements which range in duration from fifteen minutes to an hour, with only a handful ever extending past the one hour mark. The convenience of the symptoms Kate experienced caused many to suspect that Kate was merely experiencing the same kind of regular morning sickness that tens of millions of women deal with each year as part of their regular lives, but Kate’s pregnancy was tagged with the graver Hyperemesis Gravidarum for the benefit of a woman who never turns down a good excuse.

In 2014, Kate only managed to undertake 91 official duties. Kate disappeared after a tour of New Zealand and Australia which was extremely light on events, the official itinerary matching what most of us do on vacation. Kate had only managed a handful of events through the summer when it was announced on September 8th that Kate was once again pregnant and suffering from Hyperemisis Gravidarum which would cause her to cancel upcoming events. Of course, it didn’t explain Kate’s dismal numbers for the rest of the year and sightings of a duchess shopping and traveling back and forth between her parents’ house and Kensington Palace once again cast doubt on the veracity of Hyperemisis Gravidarum claims.

Even if Kate did suffer from some highly convenient form of Hyperemesis Gravidarum, other royal women have experienced far worse and still managed to perform their duties. During her second year of marriage, Sophie, Countess of Wessex suffered from a life-threatening ectopic pregnancy resulting in a miscarriage. Sophie was still working full-time running her PR company, RJH Public Relations, and performed 125 royal engagements, more than Kate has ever managed in one year.

In 2003, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, managed to perform 175 duties while pregnant with her daughter, Lady Louise. It was a difficult pregnancy that almost ended Sophie’s life. In November, Sophie suffered from a placental abruption that caused her to lose so much blood, Prince Edward was warned he may have to choose between his wife’s life and that of his unborn child. Doctors were able to miraculously save both and despite her near-death experience, Sophie knocked out 185 engagements the following year.

With such a well-established pattern of pathological laziness, supporters of Kate have tried to explain why Kate performs so few engagements. One excuse that gets brought up quite a bit is that Kate is only married to the second in line to the throne so she doesn’t have to work as much. Interesting theory, but it wouldn’t explain why those who further down in the line of succession do so many more engagements than Kate.

This is what the official numbers for 2014 were, broken down by individual member of the Royal Family.

In 2014, Prince William only did 27% of the amount of engagements undertaken by Prince Charles who is first in line while Kate only undertook 41% of the total of engagements performed by Camilla. Both Kate and Camilla performed significantly fewer engagements than their husbands (at 68, Camilla suffers back problems, struggles with osteoporosis and deals with other health issues), so I decided to keep it blood royal to blood royal and spouse to spouse.

This is what the annual engagement numbers for the British Royal Family would look like based on the excuse that place in the line of succession should somehow determine the work load .

Sophie, Countess of Wessex, would only have to perform 12% of her 2014 workload, Princess Anne would only have to show up for one engagement each year, while the Duke of Gloucester, the Duke of Kent and Princess Alexandra could permanently retire. Total yearly engagements would drop by 57% to 1,763. That’s a pretty massive upheaval, maybe instead Kate could just show up for work every once in a while.

Then there’s the suggestion that Kate should be excused from royal duties for now because she wants to focus on being a stay-at-home Mum. When Kate became the Duchess of Cambridge, she accepted a job that came with the expectation of continuing the bloodline and performing royal duties. As Prince William wrote on the birth certificates of their children, Kate’s occupation is Princess of United Kingdom. It does not say stay-at-home Mum under mother’s occupation.

According to one source, Kate isn’t the maternal type, even before Charlotte was born, Kate spent little time with George, instead choosing to spend the majority of her time to her own mother, which would suggest Kate identifies more closely with being a child than a mother. Even if that source’s assessment were to be completely discounted because she had an axe to grind, Kate does have staff to take care of her children, her home and her royal duties. Considering the vast majority of Kate’s official engagements are under an hour, undertaking a few a week would mean very little time away from a home and children being well tended to.

As more time passes and it becomes even more clear Kate has little interest in her role as duchess and representative of the UK, the more others are forced to come up with excuses for Kate to perpetuate the charade. The Palace has been actively padding Kate’s event totals to reduce the inevitable backlash against her paltry figures which have for the past four years put Kate at the bottom of the list when it comes to total engagements. The Queen is obviously aware of the issue, she’s the one who signs off on the Court Circular which this year is counting Charlotte’s birth and private christening as official events.

While many view the Middletons as the Modern Boleyns, to me Kate and her ferociously social-climbing family have reminded me of Snakes on a Plane. I keep waiting for the Queen to have that classic Samuel L. Jackson moment where she finally says:

How Her Majesty has gotten this far without getting in touch with her inner Samuel L. Jackson is a mystery but hopefully soon she’ll tire of the excuses and the ever-present in-laws because usually there’s only a small window of time in which anti-venom is effective. Or maybe the Queen is far more pessimistic about the future than any of us realize and feels the monarchy is going down anyway, its demise should at least be interesting.

On Sunday July 5th, Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana was christened at St. Mary Magdalene church where her grandmother, the late Princess Diana, was baptized in 1961.

Dressed in the traditional royal christening gown, the 2008 replica made by Angela Kelly of the 1841 christening gown which had been worn by approximately sixty royal babies until it started disintegrating into lace dust, Princess Charlotte was brought to the church in a vintage pram borrowed from the Queen. The pram had been used to bring Charles to his christening in 1948.

Baptismal water was obtained from the Jordan River while the Lily Font which also dates back to the 1841 baptism of Victoria, Princess Royal, and the silver ewer from the 1735 christening of George III were brought to the Sandringham church from the Tower of London for Princess Charlotte’s christening. Special cases had to be designed to transport the ewer and font because they had never left London before. It was one of the few firsts for the second-born princess. In fact, other than a selection of five non-royal godparents and a guest list pared down to a mere twenty-two attendees at the private ceremony, the kind of affront to royal etiquette the Cambridges have made the hallmark of their vision of a modern monarchy, the christening of Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana was otherwise frozen in time. The christening, intended to honor the late Princess Diana, also appeared to be an attempt to summon her ghost.

Replicating a moment from Princess Diana’s life, Prince George was dressed as the sartorial doppelgänger of his father, Prince William, when visiting his mother and brand new brother Harry at the hospital.

This isn’t the first time in recent weeks that Kate has dressed George in clothing identical to outfits the late Princess Diana selected for her own son. Even if this started off as Kate wanting to please William by paying homage to his late mother, Kate appears to have veered off course and taken up residency in Creepytown which she is probably already redecorating. Not only is the call coming from inside the house, it’s being made with a Ouija board.

While Kate has on many occasions referenced her late mother-in-law through fashion, the royal whose clothing she copied at Princess Charlotte’s christening was herself circa George’s christening. At George’s christening, Kate and her sister Pippa appeared to match their cream-colored outfits to George’s christening gown in an attempt to reinforce their status within the British Royal Family. At Charlotte’s christening, Kate once again went with a monochromatic christening combo of Alexander McQueen and a Jane Taylor hat, this time accessorizing with two matching Middletons. Dressed in haunting ivory, the Middleton women formed a ghostly trio, spectral incarnations of MacBeth’s Weird Sisters with clutch bag cauldrons, ready to call forth the apparition of Diana.

The Royal Mint coin commemorating Charlotte’s christening, the design for which William and Kate oversaw, included both her middle names and two of the flowers Diana loved most, roses and lilies.

From the hiring of Princess Diana’s favorite photographer, Mario Testino, who took the last portraits that Diana ever sat for as the christening’s official photographer, to the selection of Diana’s niece as one of Charlotte’s five godparents, the christening celebration felt more like it drew inspiration from Tobin’s Spirit Guide and the Handbook for the Recently Deceased than it did from little sister Pippa’s Celebrate: A Year of Festivities for Families and Friends. Even Nanny Maria in her Norland uniform had the unsettling appearance of an old sepia-toned photograph come to life using one of the spells in the arsenal of the Weird Sisters.

It’s natural to want to make a gesture that honors the memory of a loved one who has passed in an important milestone event, it’s a way of including them. It’s a delicate balance, though, paying homage to a lost loved one should always be done in a way that is also respectful to the living. We have memorial services and funerals for the dead, christenings are celebrations of new life. Lost loved ones are already a part of our joyous celebration because those who we love become a part of us, that bond can not be broken by death.

Many of those who believe in life after death have had moments where they feel as if someone they lost was with them somehow, often this happens around the holidays or other important times in their lives. Spirits are just people without earthly shells, they are drawn to milestone celebrations like marriages and christenings to spend tie with their families as they would have in life, no engraved invitation or breadcrumb trail of mementos required.

Two and a half years ago at a christening held at St Martin’s Church in Canterbury, Kent, an unexpected guest was spotted in one of the baptism photos the Sewell family posted on Facebook, a ghostly apparition who bore a striking resemblance to the baptized baby’s grandfather who had committed suicide seventeen years earlier. Terry Sewell’s widow, Heather, told the press, “It looks very much like Terry. I know there has been no photo trickery so it is all very spooky and perhaps not what you want to see at a Christening.”

While maybe not everyone is thrilled to have their departed loved ones show up in the christening photos, I kind of think that if Princess Diana appears in any of the pics taken by Mario Testino, the Middletons would be cool with it. In fact, I’m pretty sure Carole would make it her Christmas card.

A few days ago on Royal Dish, I spotted a pic of a Star Magazine story of George saying goodbye to his uncle Harry on his way to work which Noodlesza posted. Hi, Temi!

Except conveniently, Prince Harry is not pictured in any of the photos. Since at the moment it’s raining the kind of giant heavy drops that make you feel like you’re being slapped in the head in NYC, I decided to apply my sleuthing skills to the Star magazine story.

The helicopter in the paparazzi photos is an AgustaWestland A109S. The registration number visible on the craft G-XXEC is the same one as the helicopter the Queen leased last year for official engagements for William and Kate and other members of the British Royal Family if needed. Official engagements, the kind that show up the Court Circular as evidence the British Royal Family is providing “value for money”. This is the story the Daily Mail ran on the helicopter acquisition:

The Star photos of George, Nanny Maria and Lupo supposedly on their way to see an invisible Prince Harry were taken on June 12, 2015 when Harry was still in the army, he had no official engagements that day. If Harry was being picked up for some reason for just another day of looking sexy in uniform and other military duties, it wouldn’t be in the AgustaWestland A109S G-XXEC for official engagements, it would be in a military craft. Military work doesn’t count as official royal work in the eyes of the official royal number keepers.

So who was George going to see in the photo? When Prince Charles flies, he uses the Queen’s Sikorsky S-76C++ registration number G-XXEB, so it wasn’t grandpa.

Jinkies! It looks like we’ve got a real mystery on our hands, Gang. Who is in the AgustaWestland whirly bird the adorable Prince Grumpy Cat is headed for in the Star magazine photos? The real Captain Cutler covered with phosphorescent seaweed pretending to be the g-g-g-g-g-ghost of Captain Cutler? Was it the creepy caretaker all along?

For possible suspects, I looked to the Court Circular. Her Majesty was quite active on June 12, 2015 at Buckingham Palace, as was Prince Charles. The Earl of Wessex, The Princess Royal and the Duke of Gloucester and the Duke of Kent all had local engagements as well.

Zoinks! No one needed an official whirly bird for an official engagement and there were no other engagements that day.

So, unless there was some misappropriation of Duchy money, then it had to be Prince William returning home from his June 11, 2015 speech at a special fundraising dinner for Jewish Care. Another very expensive heli ride for William the Reluctant a couple of days before his $25,000 Magna Carta whirly bird whirl when the ceilings at Buckingham Palace are falling down?

And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.

Ruh-roh.

******

Update 6/28/14. Photos emerged with Harry which isn’t fantastic for the British Royal Family, especially considering the Royal Household Annual Accounts just came out. The helicopter is for official engagements, Harry had none on June 12th (the date the photos were taken could be in question, Star magazine indicated they were taken the 12th, but if they were really taken on the 11th, then Prince Harry had the Afghanistan Memorial). As delicious as Prince Harry looks in uniform, there still needs to be accountability. Of course, Prince Harry could have been just there, the helicopter could have been used by William for his Jewish Care event, but this really needs to be investigated further. If Harry did borrow the helicopter for a personal visit to see his nephew, then he needs to be formally reprimanded. By me. In leather. And he would have to wear that uniform. That is just how committed I am to the UK taxpayers.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve come to conclude that the number of fucks given by the British Royal Family is precisely 0.

0 fucks about austerity measures in the UK. 0 fucks about demonstrating their value to the country they represent. 0 fucks about proving they are more than welfare recipients living in the largest most gilded trailers on the planet.

On June 15th, the most consistent of all 0 fuck-givers, Kate Middleton bagged on one of the monarchy’s most prestigious traditions, the Order of the Garter ceremony, presumably returning to the maternity leave for which she doesn’t work enough to qualify, to enjoy nannies, housekeepers and staff taking care of her stay-at-home duties so she can lounge in luxury and emerge occasionally for the warm loving embrace of LK Bennett sales.

The same day that Kate returned to her regularly scheduled pampered seclusion, Prince William gave 0 flying fucks about spending £16,000 ($25,173 in USD) on a roundtrip helicopter ride to the Magna Carta 800th Anniversary events, shaving a mere 50 minutes off each leg of the 90 minute drive. A frequent giver of 0 fucks, Prince William is nine months into his training with East Anglian Air Ambulance and is expected to begin his new job as pilot in the spring that’s already passed. In response to outcries from the taxed masses, a Kensington Palace spokesperson indicated, “The Duke makes very careful decisions about transport plans and always seeks to travel in the most efficient and inexpensive way possible.” Well, that makes sense, flying by helicopter is the most efficient and inexpensive travel option available these days, that’s why cars don’t exist anymore and even my flying monkeys take a Sikorsky any time they are forced to do my bidding.

On Saturday night, the Yorks gave 0 fucks about the hundred thousand or so protesting government austerity, spending cuts, and the stripping of public services and hosted a lavish belated Disney-themed birthday bash for 200 guests in honor of March baby Princess Eugenie at the Royal Lodge in Windsor where Prince Andrew enjoys royal rent-free housing benefits. A seemingly fuck-depleted Princess Eugenie hired seven little people to be her Snow White costume accessories. Her father, Prince Andrew, went as Prince Charming, giving 0 fucks that many women now will never again be able to refer to their beloved as their Prince Charming without throwing up a little in their mouths. And the usually charming Prince Harry gave 0 fucks about the party’s Disney theme by showing up as Nintendo character, Super Mario.

One fuck was given on June 19th by Prince Philip who seemed unpleasantly surprised by the appearance of his ex-daughter-in-law, Sarah Ferguson at Ascot, but by virtue of the fuck being given by the unapologetic Duke of Edinburgh who gives no fucks on principal, it immediately vaporized into a noxious gas which was then blamed on the horses.

This week the Royal Household Annual Accounts was released. As the rest of the nation faces austerity measures, Buckingham Palace is shielded from cuts to public spending under the terms of the Sovereign’s Grant which ensures that the amount the Queen receives can never be less than the year before. In the past year, the Queen’s income from the Crown Estate rose from £36.1 million to more than £40 million.

Prince Charles’ expense report reveals he is paying £2.965 million (roughly $4.667 million in USD) in allowance to Princes William and Harry and Kate who combined undertook a mere 8 percent of the Royal Family’s official engagements for 2014 and will likely account for even less this year. The lump sum allowance covers royal expenses such as staff, travel and wardrobe but doesn’t indicate what exactly the money was spent on and how much went to Kate and William who are attempting to live private lives while still reaping all the benefits of being royal. It doesn’t make much sense for a woman who wants to be a stay-at-home mother and a helicopter pilot to have a full-time royal staff if they aren’t undertaking much in the way of royal duties. Kate doesn’t need a royal wardrobe either to watch the royal nanny take care of her children, maybe she could auction off what she’s amassed to date for charity so at least those who accepted her as a royal patron could reap some benefit. The Cambridges should also give up their royal protection which costs taxpayers undisclosed millions and their apartment in Kensington Palace which was renovated at taxpayer expense since regular housewives and helicopter pilots have no need for either. It’s hardly “value for the money” if all William and Kate do is take. Maybe if Kate and William had to live like everyone else in the UK, they might actually start giving a fuck and the UK might finally start seeing some change.

On Thursday night, Kate Middleton and Prince William attended The Royal Variety Performance.

And she didn’t wear the black lace Alice Temperley. Instead she wore black lace Diane Von Furstenberg. This is one of Kate’s best looks to date and yet, it falls a little flat.

Don’t get me wrong, she looks lovely. But she is a beautiful thirty-two year-old woman with nearly limitless resources who could have looked spectacular.

Due to the thrice-repeated Alice Temperly dress, we’ve seen her in floor-length black lace.

We’ve also seen that neckline before.

We’ve even seen it with three quarter lace sleeves.

This is Kate’s first time representing Her Majesty at The Royal Variety Show. And she chose the color black which Queen Elizabeth very rarely wears. Her Majesty believes the monarchy should be visual representations of blossoming hope for the future. The future that Kate is representing photographs flatly.

In 1962, this is what the then 36 year-old monarch wore to the Royal Variety Performance.

I’m not a fan of fur, but it was a different time. Queen Elizabeth looks breathtaking.

Granted, Kate is a duchess married to the second-in-line to the throne and not the reigning queen, but she could have evoked the same kind of glamorous regal grandeur without overstepping her position.

Tonight’s accessories and make-up are unmemorable.

Kate’s gone with an ever-so-slightly darker version of her smoky-eye and nude lip day make-up which she never strays from despite a self-professed love of make-up. The earrings are blue topaz circles with diamond accents designed by Kiki McDonough which she’s worn before at a Creative Industries reception and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Concert. They are pretty, but certainly not spectacular. Blue topaz is a semi-precious stone that tends to disappear on skin, the understated design makes these earrings more suitable for an awards luncheon. From beneath her hem peaked black platform Jimmy Choos as she clutched a black beaded evening bag to her favorite resting spot, no nailpolish to even brighten up her crotch clutching, her hair the same loose chignon that has become one of the very few up-do’s she wears.

Kate’s look this evening is merely slight variations on other looks we’ve seen before.

It’s said that the Royal Variety Show is the least favorite event on the Royal Family’s official calendar, Prince Charles and Camilla have attended on the Queen’s behalf in recent years. Last year Camilla wore custom Vivienne Westwood gown and a sapphire brooch converted into a pendant.

That necklace was not on loan from the Queen, but Camilla has on many occasions worn some of Her Majesty’s spectacular jewels, including major pieces such as the Boucheron tiara, the Delhi Durbar Tiara, the Collet Coronation Necklace, and the Greville Diamond Necklace. To date, Kate has only been lent four pieces: the Cartier Halo Tiara on her wedding day, The Maple Leaf Brooch for the Canada tour, the Nizam of Hyderabad Necklace for the National Gallery Portrait Event earlier this year and the Fern Brooch for the New Zealand tour. I was curious to see if The Queen would loan Kate any pieces for her first Royal Variety Performance, it would have been the perfect opportunity to dispel some of the swirling rumors that Kate is feuding with the Queen over her work ethic and that the marriage of Kate and Prince William is on shaky ground. I wasn’t surprised that she hadn’t. Maybe the Queen was just concerned she wouldn’t get one of the priceless pieces back in case Kate scampered directly back to Bucklebury and feared it would wind up on Pippa demonstrating the perfect keg stand on The Today Show.

So far I’m not impressed with stylist/assistant Natasha Archer’s choices for Kate, if she was involved at all with this look. Kate looked beautiful but underwhelming.

In the backlash over the recent $6.8 million Kensington Palace renovations for Prince William and Kate, many are left bewildered as to how Prince William and Kate could up and move to the Anmer Hall country estate gifted to Prince William by the Queen. Those of course are the people who haven’t been paying attention. We welcome all to the Land of the Disenchanted with open arms, we’ve been expecting you. Please make yourselves comfortable, someone will by shortly to collect your Royal Wedding souvenir spoons and those Kate mugs you claimed were ironic but secretly loved.

Today the Royal Household Annual Accounts officially come out. Obviously there are those who have lashed out over the cost of Kensington Palace renovations and Prince William’s and Kate’s decision to live at Anmer Hall so Prince William can play helicopter pilot, but perhaps the most interesting figures that come from this are the ones that won’t ever be listed on any report. Prince William’s decision to postpone royal duties is going to cost taxpayers a fairly large sum of money.

In order to protect Anmer Hall, an estimated fifteen officers will need to be hired to guard the grounds around the clock, costing taxpayers an additional $2.5 million per year. That’s what the taxpayers shelled out annually to secure the couple’s rented farmhouse in Anglesey when the couple decided they wanted the privacy of living off base. At Kensington Palace, there is already a security team in place.

Also at Kensington Palace is the recently installed super-tricked out panic room and state-of-the-art video surveillance. It’s likely Anmer Hall is being similarly outfitted, since it will be their primary if not their “official” residence. The average panic room runs around $1.7 million, likely the second in line to the throne would get an above average panic room. Perhaps a security upgrade is one of the reasons why Anmer Hall isn’t ready yet. Security costs are paid for by the taxpayer and aren’t released apparently for the British Royal Family’s safety. Because even though an insane nut job targeting the Royal Family can count the number of protection officers in published photos and read about the special mesh curtains designed to catch shattering glass in most major magazines around the world, knowing how much each protection officer makes an hour would somehow facilitate their heinous plans.

Anmer Hall is approximately a hundred and twenty miles away from London and a hundred and fifty-two miles away from Berkshire where Kate’s parents live. Likely Kate will make many escapes to stay with her parents like she did when Prince William was an RAF pilot and they lived in Anglesey. Now that she has Prince George, the cost for securing her parents’ Berkshire home for the third in line runs taxpayers in the neighborhood of $17,000 a day.

Of course, what’s distance when the Queen allocates part of the Sovereign’s Grant to lease you a helicopter instead of blowing it on needed repairs to Buckingham Palace? A lot of that priceless artwork in danger of being destroyed by a leaky roof has been around forever, a lot of people have already seen it and there are probably some pictures of that stuff somewhere in case it gets ruined to remind people what it looked like.

In addition to the cost of the helicopter lease, there are operational costs such as fuel and oil, maintenance, a pilot if Prince William isn’t doing the chauffeuring. But the helicopter will come in handy now that Kate will be further away from six of her seven charities. If the seventh, East Anglia’s Children’s Hospices, drops by the house and asks her to do something, Kate can always hop in the helicopter and tell the pilot to step on it. That kind of convenience is priceless.

If Prince William really wants his life to be private then taxpayers shouldn’t have to cover these outrageous sums. No taxpayer-funded protection officers, travel expenses and staff. If he really wants a “normal life”, he should be afforded the opportunity to live just like everyone else. Maybe a glimpse into actual normal life would be enlightening to the Petulant Prince.

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