Thursday, July 31, 2008

appears to be straightening itself in my sleep. I went to bed with curls last night and have been cleaning the house all day. I just glanced in a mirror and my "face-framing layers" are completely straight. Great... I finally embrace the curls and I've invented a way to straighten my hair while I sleep. I hope I make some money off of this.

I am forever baffled by the fact that we can put a man on the moon, but I can't have a noiseless air conditioner. What is the deal with these things? I keep turning it off because I think there's a bird stuck in it. There isn't. It's just a piece of crap. A piece of crap that cost almost $200.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

This just in: Swingtown is moving to Fridays. Kara and I were pretty surprised to learn that our genius DVR knew about this before we did. They say Fridays are where shows go to die. Say a little prayer for Swingtown. Swingers need love too.

In other news, Kara and I received a call on our house phone today. This doesn't normally happen, but we're both getting nervous about cell phone cancer, so we're starting to change our ways. We were sitting on the couch watching a Cosby Show rerun when the phone started to ring, which was already confusing enough, because it never does... and I happened to look up at the TV and the call was being announced on the screen. Is this really a feature we need? I would think the shrill, high-pitched ringing coming from the kitchen area would be enough to clue us in to an incoming call. Now the cable company is all kinds of up in our business. Not only do they interrupt our show to tell us the phone is ringing, but now I feel like they know we were the lame girls watching the Cosby reruns.

For a split second, I thought our TV was calling us. I found myself wondering if we would have to answer for watching Cosby reruns. Imagine that conversation?

Me: "Hello?"Cable company: "Hello ma'am. This is your phone company/ internet provider/ cable company and we noticed that you are watching Cosby reruns on the couch when much cooler people are out on the town or watching cooler shows, like Living Lohan. What gives?"Me: "Umm... we like the Cosbys? We think they're a funny and wonderful all-American family?"Cable company: "Ma'am, just try to be cooler, okay? We're not messing around here. This is pretty lame."Me: "Okay, we'll try."

You know what? I don't have to justify my Cosby love to anyone. Screw you Cablevision!

but this is my profile on that stupid site and I like it, so read it.There's more to it, but I'm too lazy to copy and paste the sections. Deal with it.If you don't like it, I don't care.

* My name is Jennifer. * I'm always looking for excuses to take the train into the city. * No one cares that you like long walks on the beach. Everyone likes long walks on the beach. * I'd rather know what you're thinking when you take those walks. Or if you see an owl. * Being fake exhausts me. I'm real to a fault. The worst boss I've ever had told me that I need to work on my poker face. No thanks. Life is too short for a poker face. I'm happy wearing my face.* My roommate told me yesterday that I have a "storyteller voice." A lot of my stories sound outlandish but are actually true. Ever hear the expression "That could only happen to you?" That's me. * I grew up in a silly, zany, crazy family and am richly blessed with the best fan club on earth. We're not perfect, we don't try to be, and we celebrate our uniqueness. * I'm fiercely loyal to people. My parents have been together for over 35 years. It's hard to ignore that kind of example. * I've lived in Greenwich long enough to know that anyone can make money... not everyone can make a life. Money makes things comfortable, no doubt. But I've learned firsthand that it doesn't buy happiness (or class.) * I watched "The Philadelphia Story" last night - 1940's movie with Katharine Hepburn, Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart. Best line? Katharine Hepburn (as Tracy Lord) - "The right time to make up your mind about people... is never." Inspiration is everywhere - even in old black and white films :) I love finding things like that. You never know when you're going to need a line like that. I collect them like stamps. * A sense of humor is a must. If you're not funny, I can't be seen in public with you.

I like this summary of me. I get very depressed when I see the other profiles. I saw one guy's profile yesterday that said, "I enjoy dancing and smiling." Really? That's really amazing, because I didn't think anyone enjoyed smiling. I can't believe how revealing that is. I feel like he might be my soulmate. I really enjoy smiling too, and I never thought I'd find someone who shared that interest. Maybe dating really isn't so hard after all.

I also love the profiles where the guys say, "I'm really funny, have a great sense of humor, make all my friends laugh, am the life of the party, etc.." Um... no. You're not funny. If you're funny, you don't have to say it. I want to write back to these guys and tell them just how un-funny they are. Maybe that's what I'll do tonight.

Or maybe I'll just dance and smile. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it, but I really enjoy those two things.

So I'm out in Greenwich Village last night with Nic and Jenny and we ate dinner at a great little place on the corner of Cool and Cooler. After dinner we stopped by a bar for some live music and drinks. The way the bar was set up, we were sitting facing out toward the street, and it was "open air." Basically, this means that anyone on the street can reach out and touch us, talk to us, heckle us, whatever. So I have my blackberry sitting on the ledge and this bum walks up to us begging for money. Quick as a bunny, I snatch my blackberry up and reach it behind my back asking Nicole if there's something sticking to the back of my shirt. The bum gets all kinds of offended and says to me, "I wasn't going to steal your phone. If there's one thing I don't do, it's steal." I continued to ignore him until he walked away. Then I thought, "Um, sir? You were just begging me for money. I don't think it's so far-fetched to think you might steal my phone." I hate when bums make me feel bad about the way I act. I have enough problems with the way I act without bums calling me out on it.

* addendum - I should probably add that this guy wasn't a "real" bum. He was more like one of those jerks that just makes people feel bad. I'm not that insensitive.

So, Basic Instinct. I'm trying to do the thing where I watch all the movies that I think I should have watched by now, but haven't. Last night, Kara and I watched Basic Instinct. It was awful. Apologies to all the fans, but this movie was just terrible.

The acting is atrocious, the music is disjointed, the plot is all over the place, and and I predicted the ending about 5 minutes in.

As the movie was ending, I said to Kara, "I have to blog about this." Kara looks at me and says, "Umm... 16 years later?"

Monday, July 28, 2008

Some of you have seen this before on one of my other blogs. Deal with it. It won't kill you to read it again.

All my life, I've had curly or wavy hair and I've sat under blowdryers and flat irons for hours at a time several times a week to turn it into "normal" pin straight hair. I've even paid people to do this for me. My right bicep is slightly bigger than my left bicep, and I think it's because I've wielded a large brush in that arm every day for years, attacking the curls and flattening them with no mercy. In short, I've spent my entire life praying for straight hair. "Dear God, please give me straight hair. Oh, and world peace."

This week, I'm happy to announce that I've "embraced the curls." I'm embracing the crazy side, the wavy side, the unkempt side.

So if I'm a little too loud, or a little too funny, or a little too smart, or even a little too crazy, don't be scared. That's just me. And when you see the girls in the bars with the crazy wavy hair, remember that they're probably the ones who were up all night partying the night before and didn't have time to straighten their hair the next morning. In fact, they're lucky they make it into work the next day. And not only do they make it into work the next day... they rally back and party harder the next night. They're the ones who know how to have a good time and they're the ones you'll be sorry you're not talking to because you're too busy trying to pick up the "normal" girls. I have news for all the guys out there: the normal ones are actually the psycho ones. The crazy ones are actually the normal ones. The people that wear their crazy right out there in front... those are the girls who know who they are and where they come from and where they're going. Nothing surprises us. We've been through a lot and we've learned to put the crazy right out there for everyone to see. When it comes to us, what you see is what you get. We know what we'll stand for and what we would never stand for. We're not easily offended, but when we are we'll call you out on it.

So, if you want a nice, quiet, prim and proper girl... don't bother talking to the girls with the beach hair at the bar, because we're the ones that will challenge you and force you to stay on your toes. Our hair is unruly and so are we. However, we can also attend a family function of yours and make your parents fall in love with us, win over your uncles and your nieces, and then go shot for shot with you at the after-party. If you don't want that, stay far, far away. But if you're looking for a great time with a great girl who has great friends... seek out the girls with the curls. For some reason... we're just more fun.

This is not to say that there aren't awesome straight-haired girls out there, because there are. My friend Katie B. comes to mind. She's got the mouth of a sailor and the biggest heart you'll ever be fortunate enough to find a place in. She'll be your best friend (with a loyalty that's unsurpassed) and she'll drink you under the table. She knows exactly who she is and what's going on, and she's amazing. She's also got pin straight hair, which blows my theory to shit.

So, here's the deal (and try to pretend that I'm not starting every paragraph with "So"...) You just have to keep your eyes out for the best girls. They're not going to fall right into your lap -(that's a different kind of girl.) Chances are, the best girls aren't the supermodels (although we do clean up well), they're not the bitchy ones (although if you go there, we will too) and they're not the quiet ones (but we know when to shut up.) I applaud the men that find women like us attractive and fabulous, because the bottom line is... we're a piece of work, but we're worth it... and we know it. And the best part is, we think the men who can handle us are worth it too.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Roger: "I read somewhere that falling in love happens when someone sees you like you see yourself."Susan: "How do you see yourself?"

So deep we had to rewind it 5 times. Once to hear it again. The second time so I could write it down, the third time so we could watch the facial expressions, the fourth time so we could listen to the song in the background, and the fifth time was just to stare at Josh Hopkins' chest.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Do airports have to be so confusing? Right now I'm in a parking lot labeled "Cell Phone Parking." I'm not quite sure I'm allowed here. Maybe I was supposed to place my blackberry in one of the parking lots and move along? I consider myself to be a bright person, and of course I'm kidding, but I can't help but wonder how many people were confused by the sign on this parking lot. Already I've had to beep my horn at a driver who was about to back into a concrete garbage can at warp speed. Since I'm in New York, he heard my beep, threw up his hands and got out of his car filled with piss and vinegar. I was ready. He was just about to start yelling at me when I hit him with, "I know, you must be very upset. You should get really angry. Can you imagine how much angrier you would have been if you had a concrete garbage can hanging on your bumper?" Needless to say, his attitude is gone and it's been replaced by his impression of "sheepish."

Let's see... I'm also being stared at by the other drivers, but I'm pretty sure that's because I'm almost 30 and I'm wearing a little polka-dotted dress that's too small and embarrassing.

There's this little show my roommate and I have fallen in love with - Swingtown.

We were initially intrigued by the idea of Grant Show wearing a mustache and acting in a show billed as "a show about swingers." I remember Kara calling me from one of her social events and saying, "Can you Tivo this new show that's coming on tonight? Swingtown?" So I did, and forgot about it.

A few days later, Kara wanted to watch it, so I saddled up. We watched in horror at probably the worst show in history. Throughout the entire show, we cracked jokes about the cheesy sexual references, the obvious soundtrack, the terrible acting, the list goes on and on. And yet, when the show ended, I found myself setting up the Tivo to record it every week. Embarrassing.

Each week, we are glued to the TV for this show and this show only. Suddenly, it's not just a show about swingers (although it is that, too.) Now it's also a show about females rising above things, female friendship and activism. The music has gotten better, and (last but not least) they're playing Dylan songs :)

We will continue to watch Grant Show and his mustache, and all you Swingtown haters should give it a chance. We hate it and watch it weekly. It is somehow the best and worst show on TV... all at the same time.

Monday, July 21, 2008

So I took my mom to the dermatologist today and was forced to sit in a waiting room with idiots. I hate listening to idiots. There's an older woman in the room and one of her former students and her mother come in and they all start chatting. Here's the part that boiled my blood:

Teacher: "I haven't volunteered with the MCC in a few years. The last time I was there I had to deal with a class that had 9 ADHD kids in it and I was like, "I thought these were supposed to be higher level kids and these were more like kids that parents wanted to get out of their hair for a few hours.""
It was all I could do to hold my tongue, because I have ADHD and I could probably buy and sell this woman a few times over. Just sayin. Do we really live in a world where people still believe ADHD kids are hopeless and "lower level?"
Ignorance is a disease. Be careful not to catch it. I've heard it's contagious, so you should also be careful who you listen to... and what you choose to buy into.
I should have thrown a haymaker at that lady. Probably would have made my day.
Comments?
--Sent from Gmail for mobile mobile.google.com

Friday, July 18, 2008

Still don't believe me? Watch this one (from the year I was BORN.) You can't manufacture this kind of passion. The man is almost 60, and hasn't lost any of this. Bruce and the band played 31 songs at their concert the other night. THIRTY ONE SONGS. Watch the passion at the end of this performance. The man really believes what he sings. "And the poets out here don't write NOTHIN!!!!"

Fast forward 21 years and watch him do the same song live in New York City:

We're celebrating Krysia's birthday tonight. I was just remembering her 21st birthday celebration. We were so different then. She's turning 29 next week and we're still together, still "in love." :) It's times like these I truly marvel at the bond of female friendship. While Amy is my longest friend (29 years and counting...) Krysia is still my closest friend from my college days. She has known me and watched me evolve and change (sometimes in bad ways, sometimes in good.) The girl has loved me through all of it. She listens like nobody's business, and she remembers everything. She is truly one of the "good ones." Maybe the best one.

Happy birthday to my little cupcake. Here's to the next 29 years... Maybe you'll go out on a limb and have a cocktail tonight. Here's hoping :)

I can see it now. My dad is opening this post with a smirk. My mother is looking at the link like,"What the f? That man can't do anything without me!" It's true :) My mother is infinitely wise. Everything that comes out of that woman's mouth is true, real and right. As much as we hate to admit it, the woman is seldom wrong. Dad, on the other hand, gives us tidbits, which are wonderful. Here are some:

"I was born at night, but not last night." (I use this one a lot.)

"Did your feet move when they hit the floor this morning?" (If the answer is yes, you have something to be grateful for.)

"This is what friends do." (This is most often said when we are helping a friend, or they are helping us. You don't think twice. You just help.)

"You can't buy this place, but you can rent it a week at a time." (He stole this from our family friend Joe Nolan, but he likes to say it nonetheless.)

"What color is your world today?" (He's the only person I know who asks this, and I like it.)

"Is there anybody really alive out there?" (Stolen from Bruce Springsteen, but I like when dad says it.)

I know there are more, and if dad can figure out how to comment on here :) he will add them.

And from both parents:"There is nothing you could say, not say, do, not do, be, or not be - that would EVER make us stop loving you, and you can tell us anything." This has been vital. I can't imagine anything a parent could say that could mean more than what this has meant to our family. My mother used to tell me that if I ever decided to stop talking to her forever, she would "sit on my stoop" until I changed my mind. Nevermind that I don't have a stoop. She was always determined to find mine and sit on it. Luckily, she doesn't have to. There is nothing she could say, not say, do, not do, be, or not be - that would EVER make me stop loving her, and she can tell me anything.

This is what friends do.

And that's what happens when you grow up. Your parents morph from parents to friends. It's a strange transition, and not an easy one, but it is a welcome one.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

My friend Krista has a car named Whitey. He broke today. The text messages were interesting. I went to pick Krista up at McDonald's after Whitey let her down. It was 93 degrees out and she thought she was going to walk home. She lives nowhere near where her car broke down. So that was my big adventure today. Apparently it takes an old ass broken down white car to bring me out of hiding... Make a note of it.

Because it's a great blog name :) Someone posted a review for Waiting for Godot online and this is what it said: "We need to remember that just because we're sad, that doesn't mean we're not also marvelously comical and transcendently courageous."