An Objection to Dog Park Ejection

Friday, May 10, 2019
- by Dave Jaffe

I was kicked out of the dog park because no canine would vouch for me.

The cop was pleasant but firm as he ushered me out the double gates. A Chocolate Labrador and some sort of curly Doodle looked on briefly, then turned away, fearful of getting involved. Or more interested in splashing in a large puddle.

COP: “You can’t be in here without a dog.”

ME: “I have a dog. Just not on me.”

COP: “A dog’s required for entry. And a permit. Do you have the permit?”

ME: “I’ve an old Blockbuster Video card. Well, not on me.”

COP: “You can buy a permit online or from that self-pay station there. Can’t help you with the dog.”

ME: “No one can. He’s a terrier.”

COP: “Well, bring him next time. And a permit. Here’s your ticket. Enjoy the rest of your day.”

ME: “Wait! A ticket?”

COP: “For parking without a permit or a dog. It’s just a warning. You don’t have to pay it.”

ME: “Shouldn’t my dog? He’s really the brains behind this operation.”

COP: “Yeah, I see that.”

As a humor columnist, I often go to a dog park for inspiration much the way food reporters attend restaurants and crime reporters hang around the White House. I’ve been sniffed, growled at, and peed on – generally by dogs – but never banished. And I don’t think that dogs would approve.

Unlike their Giants, dogs understand park signage. They just don’t care.Dogs relegate such budgetary oversight to Giant Municipal Leaders. But it’s exactly that sort of voter apathy that has reduced Canines to the status of second class citizens. Well, that and eating grass until they vomit.

Plenty of blame on both sides. Giant Elected Officials need to include dogs in dog park-related decisions. And Canines must willingly don the Choke Collar of Civic Responsibility. Only through negotiation can the political playing field be leveled without being chewed up, then puked.

GIANT COUNCIL CHAIR: “Now, in reference to Ordinance 164-C, ‘Kicking Dave Out of the Dog Park’, the chair recognizes…

SHIH TZU MINZY: “Madame Chair, I speak for those voiceless many who can but howl. We, the Cranshire Avenue Dog Park 48 beseech you to allow park access to all Giants – even those tragically bereft of Canines.”

GIANT COUNCIL CHAIR: “It’s like she’s trying to talk. So adorable!”

GIANT VICE CHAIR: “I had a Schnauzer like that. Snuffins! Actually, Mr. Snuffington. He could say, ‘I love loons’, clear as a bell.”

GIANT COUNCILMAN: “Damn fine dogs, Schnauzers.”

SHIH TZU MINZY: “Madame Chair, you’re making a mockery of these proceedings!”

GIANT COUNCIL CHAIR: “Oooo! Such a scary growl. Who wants a belly rub?”

I love loons too, and you are the looniest! Giants’ government run amok! And I don’t know about you, but I can’t run amok nearly as fast as I used to. I kind of shuffle amok now unless Harper is on the other end of the leash towing me.