Victory in the Vale

Paldemar is dead and Valthrun's a dick

So there we were, walkin through Thunderspire, encountering one giant freaking minotaur construct after another, and we get to a library. I know, I know, boring right? Those books never did anybody any good, but Valthrun seemed pretty damn interested in one particular thing he found. At the time I was like, whatever. Valthrun’s boring and probably likes doing that word thing, who cares?

Oh yeah, except the fact that it was the stop keyword for that minotaur that nearly killed Lyssa. And that had any of us in the party known the word, we could have stopped the thing much earlier. And Valthrun just wanted to pretend he was the hero who saved the world when really, he almost got us all killed. I bet Nebin could have gotten the medallion that controlled the bronze moose of a construct in like 5 seconds, easy.

I don’t get it. We’ve been going around, killing things, drinking together. True badasses. You want us to kill a thousand skellies? No problem. Two-thousand zombies? Please. Three-thousand something else? Got it. We are goddamn heros, nothing too great for us. Bring on the battle, mighty Kord! We shall rage and bleed and ruin and fight as men (Lyssa counts too, she totally hits like a dude). We will do this because we are strong and together we are mighty.

But Valthrun’s the chink in our armor.

Guys like that in the service generally had one role. Bear feed.

What a sniveling little ass. I’m so pissed that I don’t even care that we killed Paldemar.

Into the Labyrinth of fun!

We’re about to go to sleep in the cabin room of some gnolls we killed. But that’s now so I should probably write about what happened before now.

INTOTHELABYRINTH

dun dun dun…

In which Hio saves Lyssa from the Land Squid, kills a whole lotta gnolls/hyenas/demons, impresses some undead heros (including a follower of Kord!), and encounters yet another sweet Game Room.

When we first got here, there were even moar minotaur statues, but these ones talked. They said something about proving ourselves with “Mask, Bell, Blade & Tome,” and Valthrun stupidly pointed out that it was a test. I mean duh. For a guy that smart he sure is oblivious sometimes.

We didn’t find any of those things for a while, and in the mean time we slaughtered the gnolls and a few demons too. There was this huge boar in one room, that Elyas somehow managed to train in like 5 minutes. Now he’s riding it. What a weird guy.
His name is Wilboar

Finally we got to the Well of Demons. It isn’t really like I was looking forward to it, but we got there. In the Well were 3 ghosts, but they didn’t try to kill us. Instead, they wanted us to impress them — pretty freakin’ easy when you’re Hio. I just had to pick up V and throw my flaming axe for them to want to help us. So now we have to get those things, the Mask, Bell, Blade & Tome (they’re actual things instead of a just a riddle like V had suggested). Then place them on some circles.

The mask was in the room with the mirrors that zapped you into other rooms with hungry gnolls that you get to kill while you trap them between you and a cleric on a boar. Good times.

So yeah, I guess people are tired now so we’re heading to sleep. I’m excited about tomorrow. For Kord!

But it matters little in the face of my discoveries...

It is becoming quickly apparent that the others (with the possible exception of Lyssa) are developing a rather low opinion of me. Some think me evil simply because my actions are logical responses to their illogical behavior, others merely are convinced that I’m some kind of stick in the mud. Hio’s unwanted attention is becoming perfectly aggravating, as well – I shall have to look into a spell that renders one mute…

But I can look past their antics, now that I’ve had an enviable tour of the Thunderspire Labyrinth. The minotaurs were truly much wiser and more resourceful than we sages give them credit for – their architecture is on par with dwarven citadels, and their bronze warders left behind are evidence of incredible arcane research. Although, one has to wonder if their devotion to the bloodlust-driven Baphomet was what stymied their progress, perhaps killing their spirit of cooperation and leaving them vulnerable to whatever expunged them from the mountain.

I have learned much from studying their legacy, and from testing my evocations on the likes of gnolls, hyenas, and the undead. I have summoned a familiar, a cat which I will name Fastidious. She has already proven to be much more conversationally adept than my companions, due to the fact that she has spoken no words to me whatsoever. I hope that she will be more than adequate at keeping Nebin out of my room at night… The others seem to think she may be good for some kind of twisted target practice, but they’d be ill-advised to cross her; cats keep grudges for a long time.

Some wights that got totally messed up by Elyas before I had my shot against them

Three minotaur statues

A silly construct of bronze. What, they couldn’t afford gold? And the construct’s keepers too

Merkelmore. I took his hammer, then got V to put the flamey-flames on my Irontooth Axe.

Speaking of V, he’s a pretty good dude. I don’t know why he keeps flirting with me, but at least he keeps things interesting when there isn’t any booze around. I still think he’s a sniveling whiny little biotch, but at least he knows who he is.

Lyssa is the good one. She tells us what’s good because no body else really understands how that all works. I mean, she gets pissed when any of us in the party get into a little tussle or maybe break some teeth…but then she’s totally fine with V zapping us to char. Which it’s cool, we all got our ways of relieving tension…but I still don’t get why Lyssa says V is good but we aren’t.

Nebin is Nebin. I mean, he always seems to be up to some crazy scheming and plans and stuff that isn’t really worth worrying about. But at least he knows how to kickback and relax, unlike Lyssa. Though I think he may be asexual.

Elyas…confuses me. I get that he can go all HULKSMASH when it comes to zombies and skellies, but he totally dissed me when I volunteered to take first watch the other night and he said he didn’t trust me to be the only one awake. WTH dude? He is devoted to that Raven Queen, though. And he is pretty helpful when my vision goes red after a particularly satisfying blow to the face.

Between Elyas and Thrak and Lyssa, I’ve been thinkin’ about the gods a lot. I mean, I thought Bahamut was pretty cool after Thrak KO’d a buncha jackasses in a fight (and seriously, the god’s a dragon — what better to represent me?), but then I found out I wasn’t supposed to kill sleeping people or sleep with prostitutes or kill sleeping prostitutes. Who needs a god that doesn’t let you have fun?

When I was in the service, lots of the guys were followers of Kord. But they were all idiots who just did ale-barrel stands and called each other “bro-ha.” I already had my own family (and apparently a sister I didn’t even know I had!) and I like to actually taste my ale,thankyouverymuch. But Kord I never had a problem with, just those douchemonkeys. Thinking it may be good to head in a direction, now that I’m never allowed to be in the military ever again.

Guess what? Me, Lyssa, Hio, and Thrak got to save Douven for a change! He went out to this little town called Winterhaven and got captured, but we totally saved him. Turns out, the kobolds who had him were in an Orcus cult! They were going to open up a portal to the Shadowfell close to the town. Well, Lyssa said we should help, and then the guy in charge, Lord Thudrag said he’d pay us, so that convinced everyone.

When we went to the keep, the town wizard Valkrung decided to come with us. He was pretty helpful, but he keeps to himself a lot. Once we explored a little, Thrak just disappeared, but luckily, we met a big purple guy named Elias who came to kill the Orcus people, too. He’s some kind of death priest who doesn’t like undead. Anyway, he’s pretty powerful and he’s a healer, so it all worked out. Well, with the new guys, we took out the head guy trying to destroy the world, and we found some really interesting stuff along the way.

After we rested a little, we went back upstairs and found a bunch of hobgoblins who wanted to slave us! I tried to trick them, but Hio was Hio again, and I had to save him. But after that, Valbrun and Elias had some kind of fight, and he left with Lyssa. I’m still not sure what’s going on, but the rest of us explored some more, and I had to save them AGAIN from an invisible cube. It was weird. Lyssa was angry again, but she always gets over it.

Now, we’re resting for the night back at Winterhaven, but we have to investigate more stuff tomorrow. I’m sure it’ll be okay. I’ll write again soon.

Love,

Nebin

Hi Mom and Dad,

I forgot to send the last letter. Sorry. I’m just going to send both. It’ll be like reading a story. A really cool story.

Anyway, after we rested, we went to the graveyard and found out that some elf from town was raising skeletons. Hio kept hitting on her, but we had to kill her in the end. Turns out, she was someone who rejected Hio the first time we were in town. Then again, I could throw a rock blindfolded and still probably hit someone that rejected Hio, so I don’t suppose it matters much.

So after that, we got a note that told us where some slaves went. That’s not a good thing, and Valgrim wanted to go even before that, so off we went to Thunderspire.

When we got there, we saved one of our folk, who put us up in their inn. Hio seemed really not interested in the halflings there, which is really different from usual. I think he’s one of those big folk who likes weird things. That’s probably why he was being shifty. I think he felt bad about it, though, because he had an ogre beat him up. Maybe that’ll help him not think about halflings like that. Anyway, after that we took out the slavers, no problem, but found out that they already sold the slaves! Now we’ve got some druregarers or something to hunt. I’ll ask Valrynth how to spell it tomorrow.

I’ll be better about sending letters from now on since we’re doing more dangerous stuff. I’m sure we’ll be fine, though. Lyssa helps us make good decisions. Write you again soon!

I am reporting on the status of an Orcus Cult previously located outside of the City of Winterhaven in an abandoned keep. The information was given to me by the lord of the city, Lord Padraig, upon my arrival and introduction. I set out immediately to destroy this abomination to the Raven Queen.

After I reached the keep and entered, I noticed that someone, or a party, had started working their way through the legions of undead. The aura of evil was palpable and choking. At the time I was uncertain what had transpired and continued cautiously. This was to my benefit because as I exited a doorway leading further into the keep’s depths, I was attacked by a diminutive half-elf. Fortunately, the half-elf was not a skilled warrior and did not manage to hit me. An elf stopped him from further attacks to question why I was present.

Brief discussions with this group, which also included a halfling and a human, led to an agreement to work together, since our interests were aligned. In addition to the information I knew about the keep, the group informed me of an attempt to open a portal. Aware of this knowledge, I continued with vigor. Without dragging this out more than it needs to be, we managed to destroy most of the unholy within the keep. In the bottom of the keep was a mage, of sorts, attempting to allow Orcus to enter our realm. The group fought well and the portal was closed with the destruction of all those tainted.

As we exited the keep, the remaining cultists of Orcus were destroyed with one incident. When attempting to relieve the followers of their mortal burden, I was stopped by the human, a mage, when he attacked me. Fearing he had fallen to the taint, I tried to subdue him for cleansing. However, the elf stopped me. I decided to let them be for the moment, in order to finish the purifying of the keep. When I turned my back, he attempted another attack against me but missed. Not wanting to deal with the other members of the party, I banished him from my presence. The elf left with him. Fortunately, the halfling and half-elf understood the gravity of allowing agents of Orcus to maintain a foothold.

As we continued the purge of the keep, the remaining party came across a chest of clothing and sundries that belonged to whom I assumed was the previous lord of the keep. He had murdered his family and been punished to walk the realm beyond death. Because of the condition of the party, and myself, I was unable to absolve the spirit. That will need to be done at a later date.

For now, I feel I must remain with this group. I am not certain that all of them may have escape clean of soul. As I write this missive now, the human, a man named Valthrun, recently attacked another of the party members during the night. I fear that his mind has been addled. The elf, I believe, was merely a pawn, unable to see the evil she was aiding. But they will require observation. Presently, we will be traveling to [Redacted], upon my return I will send another update. Included in this report is a dossier on each of the members.

May the Raven Queen strengthen you,
Elyas

Name: Hio
Race: Half-elf
Occupation: Soldier, of sorts
Temprement: He seems to be of fairly low intelligence and somewhat easy to manipulate. His interests lie in rewards such as drink and women. His actions, while seemingly violent and possible malevolent, are more likely the result of ignorance. From what I understand, he attempted to join the Church of Bahamut, but lost interest when it didn’t align with his goals of killing. Best course of action is to prevent him from thinking and perpetually direct him towards a fight or willing women.

Name: Nebin
Race: Halfling
Occupation: Rogue with sorcerous tendencies
Temprement: Similar to Hio in his lack or morals, but also easy to distract. His motivations seem to be entertainment for himself. While not evil, his whims can lead him down dark paths.

Name: Lyssa
Race: Elf
Occupation: Monk
Temprement: Lyssa would appear to be the moral compass of the party. She has been attempting to bring the other two into a more law-abiding nature and teaching them to live a “good” life. Her views on the world are somewhat naive, which is surprising for someone who has lived as long as she has undoubtably lived. Not easily dissuaded from the path of pure goodness, she will forsake the balance that is necessary for all things.

Name: Valthrun
Race: Human
Occupation: Wizard
Temprement: While undoubtably one of the smartest in the party, his sense of ego for having been named head wizard for his backwater town has seemed to fill him with a sense of self-worth that has yet to be proven. I do not blame him for his exasperation with the rest of the party, they can be rather difficult at times, he has remained aloof. Recently, it would appear as though some of his protective walls are crumbling, revealing to himself what he really is. Perhaps this was catalyzed by the taint of Orcus, or by leaving his tower for once. Regardless, care will have to be taken with him.

In which Hio doesn't get laid

There’s nothing quite like waking up on a sunny morning, fully rested, sandwiched between two little tarts (a blonde and a brunette), and the promise of killing skellies in a graveyard. Hell yes.

But then there’s also seeing that hot elf from the bar that you thought was in the bag, and realizing she’s a follower of Orcus. When we got to the graveyard, there she was looking fine as always. Originally, I thought she was coming on to me because she said she’d taken my blood to raise her flock of skellies (those things certainly un-die with a satisfying CRUNCH), but then turn’s out she was just a bitch.

Now bitch is dead.

So we headed to Thunderspire Mountain because some slave trade thing going on, which is evil like Orcus who is evil because he’s a demon, which is a creature that is evil because it does bad things that are bad because Lyssa says they’re bad? I’m still a little sketchy on the details of what makes something good and evil. Me, I just like killing skellies.

Once we got to Thunderspire, we went to the inn to do that thing where you talk to people before doing more exciting things. It was disappointing. No girls at all. Halflings, but I don’t really swing that way. Plus I’m not really sure how that would work, with half and half and Hio? Probably not. Other things I’m not into: doll shows (Nebin’s pleasure of choice) and animals.

The GOOD part was that I got to spar with Brugg the Ogre. That guy’s club is massive. And man, can he hit hard! Haven’t been in a fight that good since that other time with that…owlbear. Yeah. The owlbear. I fought him single-handedly with one hand tied behind my back, and the other tied in front of my back. And he was the biggest one in the pack. And he was about 13 feet tall. And he had beaten all of the other owlbears before. But I challenged him and even though he was scared, he accepted and I won.

The fight with Brugg was better.

Getting hit like that, when you try to breathe and there’s no air, blood running down your face and head stupid from booze and pain: that’s when you’re really living.

There was another girl too, besides the Orcus cult chick, and I TOTALLY could have boned HER, but stupid Nebin and his stupid need to show-off screwed everything up. It was after we’d killed Chief Krand and his silly sorcerers in the Chamber of Eyes place, when we found the mess hall where all the bandits eat. Finally! A girl, and a hott — no, a DRUNK one at that. I joined them, telling them I was the new guy so I could get an ale and a chance with that girl. But NEBIN just had to go all show-offy and burn off her face with lightening :( What a waste of such a hot body.

We’re headed out again tomorrow, but I’m not sure where. I think I’ll try to hold off on the girls until I get back to Winterhaven. It’s just getting too depressing.

And yet I doubt this is the end of our arrangement...

Thugs. Brigands. Ruthless slaves to the joys of killing and stealing. I wonder if they truly cared about sealing the rift at all, or if it was only a convenient stop on their journey to picking clean the keep of both valuables and life itself.

But worst of all is that damned cleric. Hio at least can be swayed with lengthy reasonable argument, or baited into following a different tactic. Nebin is a greedy bastard at times, but cautious enough to at least entertain the notion of methods other than wholesale killing.

But this Elyas… he serves the god of death, and has apparently taken her teachings to mean that any living creature who looks at him wrong already has one foot in the grave. A pair of hobgoblins surrendered to us after a sound thrashing, and Elyas’ thirst for blood had him chasing the fleeing, unarmed warrior down the hallway. I used a simple spell to rebuff his charge, knowing that the deva was more than sturdy enough to weather the blow, and possessed a suite of healing abilities to cure himself even if I caused him more harm than intended.

He responded with the most powerful prayer his patron had gifted him with, nearly sapping the life from me in one strike! The man is clearly insane; I would do well to choose my battles with him more wisely from now on. One hobgoblin’s life is not worth my own in trade.

Normally, this would be the point that I write them all off forever, but I cannot ignore the power and survivability they appear to possess as a group, at least when infighting is not an issue. I’ve been planning an expedition to Thunderspire Mountain for months now, and these four seem more than capable of getting me there…

Oh, and we closed the gate...

Whoever set up this keep that we’ve been killing things in must have been a genius. It was like the good old times in the service, before I met Douven and the rest of everybody else. The officers would set up these obstacle courses, to test us and how hardcore we really were. They were always different, those things. Sometimes it was climbing walls and swimming across rivers and crawling through tunnels and eating rats and lifting rocks and jumping over fire. Sometimes it was magical. Sometimes I was too drunk to remember what it was.

But this room was the best obstacle course I’ve seen so far. It had this statue that I’m going to call a robot because I’ve decided these things. A R eally. O verly. B adass. O bstacle. T hing. He looked like me, tall with a giant sword (which isn’t me anymore now that I have Irontooth, but I think the robot was older than my axe). In true obstacle-course form, he kept smacking me with his sword. I understood immediately. I had to learn from the statue before I defeated it. So I studied his form, perfected the “swinging a big-ass sword” technique, before I won and that obstacle was done.

There were some dragon statues that tried to push you over, but they were kind of boring. I tried using my Bahamut statue, and speaking in Draconic because that’s how those things are supposed to work, but they didn’t stop. I wanted to win against that game as well, but everyone else wanted to go and I couldn’t say no to killing real people instead of just dragon statues.

I think there were also some babies pouring water, but those weren’t nearly as interesting as the ROBOT.

After killing some more zombies, we had to go into the ritual room. I was completely okay with the ritual room. I killed the sorcerer. I killed him. He is dead.

The second ritual room. More blood in that one. More sorcerers. Bloody chains. I saved everyone. I killed Kalarel. He is also dead.

Some other stuff happened, the cleric attacked V which I kind of get because that guy’s a dick but he wasn’t a hobgoblin so I don’t know. V left with Lyssa because in typical fashion she got all moody.

We’re back in town now. Time for girls (two tonight, I think) and booze. Tomorrow, killin’ skellies. Ah, the life of Hio the Hero.