Tuesday, May 12, 2015

miriam louisa - The free-fall

When the Day came –
the Day I had lived and died for –
the Day that is not in any calendar –
clouds heavy with love
showered me with wild abundance.
Inside me, my soul was drenched.
Around me, even the desert grew green.~ Kabir

The day “the Day came” for she-who-scribbles was a far cry from
Kabir’s bliss-drenched day; no soul-drenching, no showers of love or
abundance, no sense of glorious renewal for her brain. That would all
come later, years later. But the catastrophic Day is etched in her
memory. There would be no going back. It marked the end of a way of
being in the world. Searching for an analogy … she felt like a penny
free-falling through a slot machine. (Or a quantum particle sucked into
a wormhole!)

Although the free-fall happened instantaneously and spontaneously,
there had been ‘stages’ where the penny would, seemingly, land on a
level and spin or wobble for some time. The initial tumble occurred some
time before the fluid free-fall which these notes attempt to express.

First the penny fell hard onto an existential plateau when she failed
to find any argument to refute the fact that nothing whatsoever can be
proved to have any existence apart from the sensorial
technologies in the body/brain of a sentient creature. (This
experiential exploration had been fueled by her studies of Wei Wu Wei’s
writings, but they in turn had been preceded by years of inquiry with
other teachers – predominantly J Krishnamurti.)

It spun around there awhile, then toppled further when she failed to
find evidence of anything other than the functions of consciousness,
anywhere.

Eventually it fell clear through the works with the logical
conclusion that her own seemingly independent existence, and likewise
the existence of all ‘others’ – indeed, the entire field of her
experience – could, therefore, be nothing but an arising in
consciousness.

These three metaphysical notions had been orbiting her brain for many
years, and were understood at some intellectual level. She was quite
comfortable with them, but the penny had remained safely in the purse.

Without going into details, the Rubicon had been reached via some
pretty difficult times, and ripeness must have been ready. A huge
‘letting-go’ of the old ‘me-mine-myself’ story was called for, and it
happened. It happened spontaneously and without volition on her part.

When the penny fell clear through, it took the bottom of her gut with
it. She felt like throwing up. She got up from her zafu and said to
herself: Well then, old girl, that’s it! No one here. No one to
suffer. No one to be depressed. No one to beat up. No one to go
anywhere, do anything, be anyone … Haaaaa!

First there was a kind of numbness, shock. A feeling of
disorientation. A feeling of falling into an inner vortex. Then, an
opening out into unbelievably serene spaciousness. Oceanic.

No sense of a center, and no opacity.

What had happened? It seemed that there had been a brain-leap … yet
time and space weren’t involved in any way. It was like an instantaneous
interior reorganizing of information. Yet it bears repeating that it
had nothing to do with any effort on her part.

The how and the why of it remain a mystery. But many brain files were
trashed – she is only aware of this when habit reaches for them and
finds them gone; a giddy moment flashes, vanishes.

…

An entity is defined as a thing that has real existence. She thought she was an entity. Doesn’t everyone?

But to be a thing, an object needs a subject to recognize it as a
‘thing’. If one’s an object with real existence, what’s the subject
that’s recognizing one?

If one turns around to examine this subject one immediately finds
that it has turned into another object being observed, recognized, by
the same subject!

If this lunacy stops, what remains?

If one stays still, not moving a millimeter into rationalization or
conceptualization, if one tracks that which is believed to be ‘myself’
in its every movement, if one watches that notion of a selfwith all its ideas, it reveals itself to be – merely another conceptual object.

It is realized that there is only beingness/awareness – unchanging,
ubiquitous, knowing no duality, holding no opinions or beliefs,
experiencing no emotion – and no independent entity whatsoever to be
found.

The Mevlevi Dervishes

Nisargadatta quotes

Awakening into Awareness

Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Your longing for Me is my message to you; All your attempts to reach Me, Are in reality My attempts to reach you

May Peace Prevail

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I went looking for Him And lost myself; The drop merged with the Sea - -Who can find it now? Looking and looking for Him I lost myself; The Sea merged with the drop - -Who can find it now?

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The ego is a monkey catapulting through the jungle: totally fascinated by the realm of the senses, it swings from one desire to the next, one conflict to the next, one self-centered idea to the next. If you threaten it, it actually fears for its life. Let this monkey go. Let the senses go. Let desires go. Let conflicts go. Let ideas go. Let the fiction of life and death go. Just remain in the center, watching. And then forget that you are there.