How to make a monkey out of the Mail*

By ROGER TAVENER*With an apeSometimes it pays to stay up all night. Part 1(It’s a zoo out there.)

May Fair Hotel. London. 6.23 am.

Michael Jackson’s staying in the penthouse suite. The showbiz hacks are camped a couple of floors down.

Desperately in need of a few hours kip before checking-in about 10ish, I make a move. Hmmm I need an angle when I call.

I leave the bar and take a lift up to the seventh floor. The doors open and I walk straight into a monkey. And my story for the day.

A fucking chimpanzee.

Christ. I know I've had a few voddies. Am I hallucinating?

No. It's a real fucking chimp. In some daft monkey suit.

It’s under a blanket, being carried by a keeper in a Chipperfield’s Circus uniform.

And they’ve just come out of a briefing session in the Daily Mail’s adjacent room.

The chimp is surrounded by Mailmen Baz Bamigboye, Geoff Sutton and Pat Hill (MIA) and a snapper.

They collectively groan “Fuck Me” as we come face-to-face in the corridor.

Things haven't gone quite to plan and they just know stuff’s going to hit the pan back at base.

I say: “It’s alright lads. I haven't seen anything,” and head for my room.

Not that they believe that for a moment.

Showbiz coverage for about a decade from the mid-80s is guerilla warfare. No prisoners are taken and you do your utmost to bring down your mates. We all know the rules of the jungle. Like there aren't any.

I take a swig of enlivening vodka and coke and hatch my killer spoiler…

The Mail’s plan was to smuggle the ape up to Jackson’s room and show it to the pop superstar in case he was missing his pet chimpanzee Bubbles (MIA).

But the success of the stunt depends on nobody being around to see them bringing the Mail’s ‘Bubbles’ in.

They figured there wouldn't be any half-pissed journos staggering to bed at that time in the morning.

I have to stop this circus in its tracks.

I alert the picture desk to get a photographer outside pronto.

First call: Duty Manager? Hello, I’m in room 7032 and there's a fucking wild animal staying in the room next door. Fucking King Kong.