Why This Site Will No Longer Be A Safe Haven For Cheaters

“”What kind of scum enables cheaters to brag about their sexual exploits?”

“They deserve to rot in Hell.”

“You are without morals.”

“Do you not have any empathy? Are you devoid of feelings?”

“FUCK YOU”

And that is just a small sampling of the things that have been said about this site, and in essence, about me around some areas of the web this past little while. I like to think that I have a thick skin but when you are pretty much universally vilified it can wear on you. And it has on me. It has worn on me because while this may come as surprise, I am of the opinion that if you are unhappy in your marriage then you have an obligation to fix it or leave rather than go down the road of betraying your partner by committing adultery.

The truth of the matter is that this site has existed for one reason and one reason only and that was to fill a niche. With the advent of online dating and sites such as Ashley Madison catering to those looking to find like minded individuals to cheat with, there was an opportunity to make money from that demand. Regrettably, I chose to participate in filling that niche and really can’t excuse myself from doing so.

I did it. I’m not proud of it.

Incredibly, this site grew in popularity despite me. A few years ago when I put up the forum software and threw up some banner ads to married dating sites, I really didn’t give it much thought. It was just another little niche site that was in my stable of online dating sites that were part of a portfolio of web based properties that I derived an income from. I never really did any promotion or traditional marketing because quite frankly the subject matter was more than a little off putting. It was pretty much a “set it and forget it” type of affair (pun not intended). Despite that, over the years the forum grew and the amount of content that was being generated by the forum membership was quite staggering. Almost 75 thousand posts have been made on the forums by people that were actively involved an an affair.

A couple of months ago I decided that a redesign of the site was in order and part of that process involved me moving the forum to a new software platform. While I was in the midst of that project I really began to actually read the content that was being posted on a daily basis. I mean really read it. Not just skim it over like I may have done in the past. I don’t know what it was but it was like cold water being thrown in my face. The posts were not just words on a page to me anymore. The posts became vignettes in to peoples lives that really began to make me feel extraordinarily uncomfortable. The post about a man that got off seeing his affair partner dress up in his wives clothes as part of sex play. The talk of using the marital bed to have sex while you are cheating. People talking about how they get turned on by being on the phone with their spouse while they receive sexual favors from their affair partner. This is some pretty disturbing shit to put it mildly. I could go on and on an on. The site is filled with stories of such shocking betrayal that it really does make for difficult reading.

I decided then that I was going to try and change the scope of the site to make it more inclusive and to include the voices of those that were not in the pro-affair camp. I thought that by pitching a big tent that the there could be some great dialogue and debate and everyone on all sides of the equation could learn something. Despite significant push back from the membership I appointed a moderator that was unabashedly adamant in his view that you have an obligation to fix your marriage or leave before going down the path of adultery. I encouraged posters to express opposing viewpoints in the forums and even toyed with the idea of having a separate section of the site specifically for those that had been betrayed. I realize now what an incredibly stupid idea that was. During the course of reaching out to people who’s lives have been touched by an affair in the hope of having them participate in the dialogue, someone very wise pointed out to me that it would be like having a site for rapists and victims of rapists to come together to read and discuss the topic of rape. While I certainly don’t believe that the act of adultery is comparable to someone being raped, the analogy brought home to me the fact that the degree of hurt that someone must feel after learning that their spouse has been cheating could in no way be tempered by engaging in dialogue with people that were actually engaging in the exact behavior that could lead to such terrible pain. I have been told that the pain of discovering an affair is beyond the ability of mere words to describe.

I honestly never seen man crying so can’t really imagine it – it sounds too funny. -Forum member pandorabox

The bottom line for me is that I have to get up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror and be comfortable with who I am and what I stand for. I can’t stand for this anymore.

So there you have it. This is My U-turn. As soon as I hit publish on this post I am going to go over to the forum and announce that it is over, I will disable the posting functions and over the course of the next several weeks will change the scope of the site to reflect the fact that this site is no longer a safe place for those that choose to betray their spouses.

I expect that some of the membership will feel betrayed by my decision. I expect some will take comfort knowing that’s the case.

About Doccool.com Administrator

As the administrator of the site, Doccool has has been witness to more than two thousand people involved in affairs that have shared their experiences on the site since 2008. When not studying the secret world of adultery, he enjoys spending time with friends and family at his home somewhere in central Canada. You can follow him on Twitter.

No, only selfish assholes put on 35-40lbs, stop shaving their armpits, caring about how they look, not finish their education, stop or severely cut back on sex and expect their partner to still be pie-eyed over them.

There is no reason that would ever make an affair legitimate. All you have is excuses as to why you could not stand up and walk out the door. I hope you do find another place where people will pat you on the back and tell you all is well.

And all will be well until your affair is discovered. Then you get to experience the pain. You get to see everyone experience it along with you. Then and just then maybe you will get why what you are doing is so wrong.

I can think of about 1,000 reasons. Legitimate? are you kidding me – you can pretend one size fits all but it doesnt. Wrong? where there is love between 2 adults no one gets to judge whats wrong not you not anyone – your miserable
your mean and nasty how thats for judging someone

Wow FJ… Lots of hate and anger in your posts. Btw, what you are describing is not love between two people… It is selfishness, greed, and lust at its worst. Cheating is abuse through and through. So please stop with the hateful eff yous at other posters and keep it classy. Counter argument or ignore. Thank you.

Can you even start to imagine how many people this Site has helped?
Affairs will always happen wether we like it or not.
To be able to share thoughts and vent and even learn from others has been very helpful.
I am sorry to hear you regret this site.
I hope you rethink your decision to shut it down.

Thank you for actually reading, in depth, some of the comments by inveterate cheaters.

Some of these cheaters are truly cold and cruel and almost psychopathic in their discussions of their affairs and getting a sexual thrill out of seeing the affair partner in their wife’s clothing or getting an extra charge out of having sex in the marital bed.

It’s not like these people are ashamed and are seeking support to deal with that shame. They are supporting each other’s cruel inhuman behaviors. They are not only supporting those in affairs, they are advocating that those not in one, try having an affair because it’s just all so wonderful and cool to be a cheater.

Regarding the rape analogy. It’s a legitimate one.

Some research indicates that the trauma of discovering a trusted spouse was having an emotional, sexual affair can cause a situational or entrenched PTSD that is similar to a rape.

Also, despite the stories the married cheaters tell the affair partners, most cheaters are in good enough marriages and really don’t want to leave their spouse.

They just feel entitled to a little something extra on the side.

Paradoxically almost all cheaters claim that finding out their spouse was also cheating would be devastating to them, and most cheaters would not want to be in an open marriage.

They alone want the entitlement to extra marital sex while the loyal spouse is at home keeping the home fires stoked and burning.

For example, I thought my wife was out with her lady friends, while I stayed home with the family. Sadly she was out on a date with another married cheater.

There truly is no way to describe the pain of learning that a trusted spouse is making you the butt of their jokes while having sex with some other person behind your back.

Worse yet, the cheaters, rarely apprise their spouses of their unhappiness, and the loyal spouse keeps on polishing the marriage thinking all is well.

On the original Doccool board, some cheaters talk of treating the spouse extra special while in an affair so as not to raise the loyal spouses suspicions.

Doing so keeps the loyal spouse unaware and if there are any problems they never get discussed and never have a chance to be mended.

These cheating advocate people are both sick and sad and celebrating them and giving them support in their sociopathic behavior is not benefiting society in any way.

It hurts society by destroying families.

There are no legitimate reasons for having an affair. Anyone who can even think that is a narcissistic personality.

If a person is unhappy in a marriage, society has solutions.

They are: attempt to fix the marriage by seeking counseling or reading self-help books, or seek a legal divorce.

I could NOT disagree you more.Your generalizations are very narrow and display a lack of interpretive skills.

Most of the participants on the forum were all people with different stories and I don’t ever recollect any person ever making light of their affair. Most people came to share their frustrations and joys of choices t hat they get to make in their life and were doing in a place that was ok for alternative forms/forums of discourse.

As to your first statement I do not ever recollect anyone getting a thrill out of having sex with their affair partner while that partner was wearing the clothes of the wife/husband or sex in the marital bed (which via anecdote seemed ike in general there was not much sex going on in that bed anyway)

Cold, cruel and psychopathic? again not true from what I read but to see bantered about leads me to believe that this is something that YOU wish to be true. Since you have started that your spouse cheated on you (though I imagine as you like to imagine things that she has an entirely different slant on it) If this is what you are seeing then I may surmise to say that perhaps you are looking into a mirror and in reality wish to be a victim of a cold, cruel and psychopathic “wife” but I guess in reality its more about your own short comings.

What goes on in the world and lives of other people YOU would have no clue, empathy or any understandings other than the conjectures and mythes you require in your own self actualization.

I am not sure matters of the heart as in anyones sexuality have any thing to do with shame – you are free to make your own value judgement but those are your own judgements based on someone deemed inadequate for probably a number of reasons. I generalize that most women like me are trapped in loveless passionless marriages BUT that is our choice and if we seek to comfort, fall in love with someone else well I think that gets to be our choice – I do not believe “affairs” have been nor will be legislated out (say Hi to Dan Marino!)

Being in love or being comforted is neither cruel nor in-human. You seem to have this belief that your own SPOUSE is akin to the foulest of criminals. I suggest you look at your own life and actually find out why she chose to leave you. It was a choice and it was her choice. Marriage in akin to ownership. human interactions like it or not are between the person making that choice and YES even secrets are ok and even staying/going are still individual decisions not group one – ask your spouse.

NEVER in all my years did I EVER see anyone write “if your NOT in affair you try it”! though it still falls under free speech and it may even be good advice – I wonder in your own life if that is what happened?

I take your attacks personally and see it as bullying to people in very fragile states. Shame on you.

Sorry BUT the RAPE analogy is OFFENSIVE I am a woman. The discovery of an affair is nothing akin to a brutal violent RAPE. I can speak first hand – I assume you are male and have never been raped. Not sure if there are CLINICAL studies with research? as traumatic is it would be RAPE is more traumatic by a large margin.

How would you know what most people say or how they communicate. That may have been true for YOU but NOT for anyone else. What your spouse may have chose to communicate to you was really between you and her and no bearing on any assumptions or even broad generalizations.

Please provide any citations to you PARADOXES! I dont find them to be true at all excepting the Lifetime network.

The only person/s sick and sad are those that spew vile and unsubstantiated generalizations and troll a place where all people want is a chance to communicate and talk openly without being judged or attacked.

What actually hurts society in not having places where people can speak freely with regard to legal/adult matters and in closing I do not agree with any of you baseless judgemental generalizations.

Let’s see how THIS is not thought of as taking affairs lightly. These two quotes are right from the forum. Tell me again how this is good…fine…or upstanding.

“Today I see on MM’s W’s FB that he is at a buffet lunch with the family at a mediocre chain brand hotel. The family on this occasion being frumpy wife, kids, daughter’s BF and his parents. Sounds like fun. Before I saw this I posted on my FB:
“trying to decide which party dress to wear tonight since I just know ……. is going to be throwing me in the pool”. So when MM’s W is snoring in her armchair after her carbohydrate, cream cake and booze infuelled lunch, I’ll be rocking it with my friends at a fun pool party wearing a skimpy little party dress. I’ll leave that thought with MM!”

and then this immediately the next morning about the party….

“I met a really nice guy at a party last night. He has moved into my neighbourhood and is 100% my type. He is married and I have no idea if he is a “bad boy” or not. But lets just say, if he is a good boy, he chatted just a little too much and stared just a little too long. It would be nice if he got in touch.”

But yet you people continue to claim that you were there just being supportive of one another and other bullshit…whatever…

“I do not ever recollect anyone getting a thrill out of having sex with their affair partner while that partner was wearing the clothes of the wife/husband or sex in the marital bed”

Go to the forum.

“Cold, cruel and psychopathic?”

Yes, you are. Didn’t you just write this:

“You are really a fucking loser . Why the fuck would even write the vile stuff you do. Who the fuck are you to sit in judgement of anyone. Cheated on YOU! fuck I would have doubled your life insurance and made some soup after I drained the car radiator.”

It does sound psychopathic. Sorry if it offends you, if you are not then don’t act like one.

As to your first statement I do not ever recollect anyone getting a thrill out of having sex with their affair partner while that partner was wearing the clothes of the wife/husband or sex in the marital bed (which via anecdote seemed ike in general there was not much sex going on in that bed anyway)…WHAT?????

I would like to say that I am sorry that you have chose this path….but I am NOT!! I dug through posts here during the darkess times after finding out about my husband affair. What I found and still read to this day breaks my heart. I thought that my husband’s AP was unique in her cold hearted way, but sadly it is not so. Bravo for realizing that you were going against your moral nature. I look forward to seeing what becomes of this site, if anything.

Doccool Administrator,
Thank you for taking that U turn. Thank you for after seeing the truth about the ugliness and depravity of affairs, you spoke the truth. Affairs and people engaged in affairs should NOT be condoned, supported, or encouraged in any way, shape, or form.
Thank you for taking a stand in on morals, principles, on marriage, on family.
We need more people to speak up about this atrocity that affairs are and the people involved in them.
You are correct that the hurt, overwhelming pain and suffering on the betrayed spouse and children is life-shattering. Families demolished. Children forever scarred by infidelity. Cheating is abuse.
Thank you for taking the higher ground by being honest with yourself and others on this site.

Dr. Cool, I completely understand and respect this decision you have made. I was wondering if by chance you could still enable the PM feature though, as there is a member I would like to connect with – she was dealing with some things in her marriage that I think I could possibly help with, and so I’d like to be able to reach her still somehow.

I turned off the private message system because I know that if I had left it enabled, some elements of the membership would have used it to organize another forum. Turning it back on is not something that I am willing to do, sorry.

I am a recent member and this was a haven for me, to come to issues with my own ex-affair.

I lament the fact that you have decided to close this site. Most of the posters gave very sound and moralistic advice re: saving marriage first and only if that does not work out, think about an affair. In particular, I will point out to two very recent threads: husband poster with wife suffering from cancer and he felt like having an affair with his subordinate. All posters chided him for that and said that his main responsibility is towards his wife and that perhaps he needs to go in for counseling.

The second post was about how Guilt permeates those who cheat and how a poster felt totally miserable after reading another post of how a husband felt after he found out that his wife was describing the lingerie when husband and wife had sex together. That made her think about her own affair and the repercussions.

When posters posted that they needed to improve their marriages, posters congratulated them on their decision.

Life is not black and white. While, I do respect your decision, I have to say that reading the boards made me realize that the posters are as moralistic and sensitive and that affairs are symptoms of another underlying issue. There were only a few posters in here who did not totally fit in our moralistic framework.

You did a great service by putting this online and I wish you the very best! I do think that this board has saved marriages, much more than you realize, especially the forum on “D-Day,” and “Divorce and Separation.” However, just having those two would not have given the whole picture to those who have affairs. The “D-Day” forum for me was an eye-opener and perhaps that played a part in my decision not to proceed with an affair. In fact, I emailed a POW only yesterday calling an end. So, thank you, doccool. You will be missed.

>>>>>>You did a great service by putting this online and I wish you the very best! I do think that this board has saved marriages, much more than you realize,

I am certain that there have been some positive things that have come as a result of the forums and I would use that thinking as a way of justifying their existence when I was feeling pangs of guilt. I agree that there are some great nuggets of information scattered among the sea of shit that could be potentially helpful to someone that was on the fence if they were contemplating an affair. If you read enough posts you come to understand the deep unhappiness that permeated those that were having affairs. I was a very sad place.

I also should point out that although the forums were chock full of reprehensible vermin, there were many people that contributed that were very thoughtful and had great insight in to what was causing them to do what they were doing and felt horrible about it. That does not in any way excuse the behavior but I think that some are just truly broken and lost and I hope that they find their way back.

Thank you for the U turn. I have viewed this site for a few weeks now and every time I read something, I got more disgusted. I never registered because I knew there was no way I would have been able to adhere to the rules and not blast the ones actively cheating. I am glad you have come to your senses.

There were a few, very few regular posters who I respected (although I’m sure they’d be embarassed to know it). And oh so very many vile creatures with a reptillian moral code. I can only applaud the bravery of the poster PLAN9 who suffered the slings and arrows.

As I said above to an earlier poster, I turned off the private message system because I know that if I had left it enabled, some elements of the membership would have used it to organize another forum. Turning it back on is not something that I am willing to do, sorry.

I am assuming, and I could be wrong, that you have probably never had an affair yourself.

It is difficult for people who have never had an affair to fully understand what it is like to have an affair and to fully understand what kind of people have affairs. Its so much easier to make assumptions and generalize and vilify. Its much harder to ask tough, difficult questions and to question ones own beliefs and mindsets.

Sometimes the people you would swear could never do such a thing, do it. They could be the kindest, most loving, selfless people you have ever met who have dedicated their entire lives to taking care of others, yet they end up having an affair. They are good people who find themselves in sometimes impossible situations.

Please let these people have a voice and be heard. Don’t silence them. Silence breads ignorance.

Please do not be afraid of the people who send you hateful email and call into question your own morality. You know who you are deep down inside, they do not.

David, you sound like a very hurt man. Your wife’s actions must have hurt you terribly. However, it’s intellectually irresponsible to make such broad sweeping generalizations about the character and composition of people who cheat. Unfortunately, I think you are letting your pain cloud your judgment. Your words are based on pain/emotion and not reason, that is evident. You should be careful not to carry this hate in your heart for the rest of your life. Let it go. Free yourself.

David. You have been badly hurt and I am sorry. You are, however, wrong. If you do review the relevant literature children actually fair better in a home where there is abuse rather than divorce. To break apart your child’s home is far more selfish than having an affair will ever be. I could easily have left, but I will not do that to my children. Oh, and it’s not the money – I happen to make it all. I am not a menace to society, nor am I a sociopath. Sorry to burst your bubble. You do not have to be psycho to cheat. Nope.

Well, most serial killers would insist they are not a menace to society either.

It’s called denial or reaction formation or compartmentalization or disassociation.

All mentally ill people insist they are normal. It’s psych 101.

It is however not normal behavior to put your own life in danger by engaging in risky sex and risk exposing a spouse simply for your momentary lustful pleasure.

I think you are mistaken about children being healthier in homes where there is abuse. It’s actually the opposite. Studies show those children are healthier if the parents divorce. At least they are not stressed out by the negative atmosphere in the home of covert and overt abusers.

But, I am glad that you imply that cheating is an emotionally abusive behavior.

Also, you might be better able to understand yourself if you read the book “the sociopath next door”

Most sociopaths seem very normal and even nice

And as for psychopaths they do to, they are the quintessential con man.

A serial killer is always psychopath, but a psychopath is not always a serial killer. Too often they are cute and cuddly and seem, at least on the surface, to be sweet and loving and kind.

Because like most predators they have learned to read their prey well.

That is until the prey learns of their con or they stab them in the back with some type of deceptive behavior.

You employ tactics that essentially are using these broad generalizations of your own biased based on your perceptions of what victimized you. I can label myself selfless and loving if that is how I see myself. Being trapped in an unhappy marriage. I get to make my own decisions without a thought to how the world may view them.

I am fully prepared to answer any of my actions to god directly. I don’t think 2 people seeking comfort and finding love to physical intimacy is any menace to society at all.

Francine Jones Poste on February 1, 2013 at 7:07 pm #
You employ tactics that essentially are using these broad generalizations of your own biased based on your perceptions of what victimized you. I can label myself selfless and loving if that is how I see myself. Being trapped in an unhappy marriage. I get to make my own decisions without a thought to how the world may view them.

I am fully prepared to answer any of my actions to god directly. I don’t think 2 people seeking comfort and finding love to physical intimacy is any menace to society at all.

Francine:

Well, “bully” for you.

Have you read your God’s bible?

I have.

If I were not an agnostic, i would be scared shirtless to have to face your God after being a married person who cheated on their spouse.

If you believe in God, and after reading God’s words in the bible, you think infidelity is okay with God, then I have one word for you and it’s……………………………DELUSIONAL.

SunsetMoon I am going to call our mutual cosmic friend and give her my private email tomorrow. I hope we will be able to connect via her.

I had never been a part of a forum or online community prior to this. I spent the first five years of my affair with the support of close friends. I enjoyed reading here and giving and receiving advice /support. I am very sad to see the site go. Thank you Doccool for providing the opportunity. You have the data and I hope you are able to hire someone familiar with statistics to code the data and do some research. If it helps someone who for whatever reason believes they cannot leave their marriage and is in an affair, I will be grateful.

Changed, Smiler, Bored12, Tallgirl, Honeybadger and Wanderingwife I will miss you and your posts terribly. I wish you all the very best.

Sunsetmoon and Saffron I am happy we will get to meet elsewhere.

Pandorabox I am very sorry you were singled out. I think the act was incredibly immature and frankly indicative. I wish you good luck with your D, A and want to thank you for the support you offered me. I am in contact with Sunsetmoon and Saffron, if you are in private contact with them I would be happy to email in private.

Smiler – I know your OM will come back to you. His wife may hold his wallet, but you hold his heart. Try as she might, at the end of the day, the heart wants what it wants.

First – you are very wrong about the cost.
AP are much , much more expensive then real dates
On other hand if you read the forum and you still think affairs are about sex ( how do you explain EA?) then you are very close minded
Sex is just a cherry on the top.

Now you know why your wife had to search something outside, even the very poor guy from trailer park had more to offer then you with your limited understanding of intimacy. emotions and patronizing,
“me dear” Ewk

Reading your forums actually made me want to puke on a couple of occasions… Im glad that they were just a businiess decision and dont actually reflect the way you view life… Im also glad you shut them down as they were a cess pool that had collected quite a bit of human garbage…. or garbage humans…

Really? So it is acceptable to call people “vermin” and “human garbage”? THAT is moral behavior? I’m not a cheater anymore, but if this is what Doc and some of the others think is appropriate behavior, I’m not one of you either.

People who risk exposing their spouse to deadly viral disease simply to feed their own lust or ego, are definitely vermin, by any standard.

People who care so little about their children that they steal time for them simply to feed their egos or their lust or by any standard vermin, in fact less than vermin. I kind of like mice. I had one as a pet once.

So the only issue I have with calling a cheater vermin is that i don’t want to insult the vermin.

I’m a long time member and I feel shocked and saddened that you’re shutting down the forums. You created this and to say that everything you’ve done is vile is incorrect. There are some on this board who have no where else to turn. It wasn’t all about supporting cheaters, sometimes it was supporting the end of affairs and relating experiences.
Likewise, comparing cheating to rape is incredibly insulting to anyone who has ever been raped. You obviously have no idea what you’re talking about and should have left that part out. Shame on you for bringing that into your closing address.

David, I take full responsibility for the content on the site and I did nothing to dissuade the direction the site took until just very recently. I don’t want anyone to think in any way that I am trying to excuse what this was and my participation in it. My point was that the site really just grew organically without any traditional marketing or promotion.

Read again, he created portfolio, he grabbed the niche, he made money on it along the other sites in portfolio which are “dating” sites. There is so much hypocrisy in this letter that it makes ME puke.
“Sex in marital bed” go back to forum and check -it was promoted by doc
He found the cash cow, milked it, now he is going saint for BSs, with new design he will start ads for Christian dating and therapy instead of adult friend finder.
He used the subject (niche) to make money, now your turn BSs to get milked and screwed

I think your own vile nature reveals quite a bit about you and anyone that would lurk here. How do you expect me to believe that you who claim to be victim were lurking for the purpose of “research” not sure there is any correlation and if you were truly hear why wouldnt you be spending time healing yourself and fixing what went wrong in your marriage?

Funny but I would have hoped the site would not have been a haven for “sneaky” lurkers……………

You are really a fucking loser . Why the fuck would even write the vile stuff you do. Who the fuck are you to sit in judgement of anyone. Cheated on YOU! fuck I would have doubled your life insurance and made some soup after I drained the car radiator.

“You are really a fucking loser . Why the fuck would even write the vile stuff you do. Who the fuck are you to sit in judgement of anyone. Cheated on YOU! fuck I would have doubled your life insurance and made some soup after I drained the car radiator.
Reply”

Whoa! Francine, Thank you for that gem.

So not only do you cheat on your spouse but if he had the balls to show you your illogical thinking than you are saying you would poison your spouse with radiator anti-freeze coolant?

Ethylene glycol is highly toxic and kills. So are you admitting your a psychopath?

Or, maybe you, Francine, are a serial killer who has already killed several husbands.

I think that makes my point, despite some cheaters here whining that the betrayed spouses are unfairly accusing them of mental illness.

I wonder if your fellow cheaters will come to your defense or will they chastise you for sounding so psychopathic.

Fully understand and respect your decision, Doccool. I had already expressed how I wish we could have continued to have posters like Plan9 who challenged us in our thinking. Thank you for the forum, I’ve learned a great deal. The best to you in your future endeavors.

Goldi, if you read this, please reach out to Doc for my info – I’d like to connect w/ you if you’re interested. If there’s anything I can do to help w/ your marriage situation I’d be glad to. Take care.

Hey G&T, would be happy to keep in touch. You’ve offered me some helpful advice in the past. Doc, if you could email me G&T’s email that would be great. Or, email my info to him. Either way. Thank you.

And FWIW, Doccool, the forum provided more support for me in NOT cheating than it did in continuing to cheat.

If its any comfort, this site for me wasn’t about supporting cheaters. I found real people, going through real problems who offered support to better themselves. I for one found great support through the members during and after my dday. If not for one of your gifted moderators, I might not have found the help I needed and made more destructive decisions.
Affairs are a heated topic no matter where it’s talked about; that your forum took on a life of it own was not your fault – you shouldn’t let those who condemn you for offering some of us a soft place to land get to you.
No one is perfect. I think there were very few of us on the board who thought so.
It was comforting to know that I was not the only damaged person out in the world and now I feel somehow more alone. It’s a sad day doc.

>>>>>>>you shouldn’t let those who condemn you for offering some of us a soft place to land get to you.

It wasn’t just other people condemning me that brought me to this decision. It was the cumulative effect of a number of things but ultimately it was my own internal struggle with being responsible for providing a platform for people to support each other in a behavior that I am fundamentally opposed to. There are a million other niches that I can serve that will not have me questioning my participation in the way that this one has.

Judge not lest you be judged. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t through stones. All of you self righteous almighty people you’ve never done anything wrong? I suppose not,
since you are so perfect and the rest of us are one evil.

Some do only have excuses, some are not able to just walk away. Life is not just black and white. There will be other sites to come and go. Doc you’ve provided a service and now your time is up.

Riiiight.They are all immature, with unrealistic expectations of marriage. I guess those of us who have been BSs are just clueless idiots who are lousy in bed, too? Paint everyone with the same brush, why don’t you?

Apparently, nothing matters about who this group is or what they face– they had an affair, and that negates everything. Just like Doc’s big Come to Jesus moment here negates 5 years of profitting from this site. POOF. How convenient.
Maybe the outpouring of malicious glee from the righteous here negates all of the good they think THEY have banked, as well.

Some of these cheaters have been married for DECADES, raised children, and dealt with every possible challenge a marriage can face.
It’s so easy to be self-righteous, and say “I would never do that.” I know that’s what my spouse said. I know that’s what I said, too.

go ahead and throw stones at my glass house. i can honestly say that I’ve done some shitty things, but never have I cheated on someone… and to be proud of cheating is even worse. how can you people sleep at night?

This doesn’t surprise me. Anyone who pays attention knows that you were not happy with the direction the board took. And I agree that, even as someone who was in an affair, there were a certain amount of posters that were just way over the top. I had already decided not to bother resetting my password to log onto the new board, and I think a lot of other people also made that decision. Because once you made the switch, it sees like all that was left were those people, and a smattering of more reasonable members, and all of them had expressed a desire to start fading away.

Thank you for shutting down this site. I read some of the posts here and a lot of them turned my stomach. There is never an excuse for an affair. You can just leave. It really is that easy. Much easier than dealing with the aftermath of a betrayal, damaging your children and hurting your spouse. Instead, you cheat because you want to reap the benefits of family/status/money/kids etc. while having an affair and shitting on your family. It’s completely selfish. If you don’t want your spouse – you can leave them. Go on and let them find someone that would be faithful, not decide for them that they can’t have a loyal family while leading them on to believe that they do.

“Likewise, comparing cheating to rape is incredibly insulting to anyone who has ever been raped.” You can’t speak for all of us. My spouse’s affair for me was far much worse than being raped. Having been through both, I can say that my spouses affair is and was the more traumatic experience.

I loved him, trusted him, built a life with him, bore his babies etc. I was so proud of him as the father of my kids and as “my man”. He was a great family man, I was devoted to him, he was so sweet to me to my face and loving and attentive. I had no idea what was going on behind my back. It’s sick.

The betrayal of that and knowing that I was “sleeping with the enemy” every time I expressed my love to him sexually is very, very, hard to get over. Being cheated on by someone you trusted with all your heart makes you doubt your entire world/existence. Getting raped by some sick, twisted individual that I had no trust in, no investment, no intimacy etc. was by far easier to overcome.

Why not just take the whole site down today? If no one can post or interact, why leave it? It’s a tomb now.
Also, why did you tag certain statements in your letter? Was it to demonstrate the disturbing posts you finally read through as a way of backing up your decision?

People are posting and interacting actually, but they aren’t posting about things like how to write a hot sexual email to their affair partner. I am more comfortable with this discussion then the latter. Although some elements of the site will more than likely be torched, some of the content will remain. I would however expect that all fresh content that comes on to the site will be very clearly geared towards those that are opposed to infidelity rather than those that are cheerleaders for it.

I linked to some specific posts to get the point across that although there were some rare bits of wisdom being talked about in the forums, there was an incredible amount of discussion that I felt very uncomfortable with.

My complicity in allowing this to be a walled garden for adulterers was what was in my closet. I’m ashamed of it. You see, in order to partake in an ongoing affair, lying, deceit, betrayal and fraud are just part and parcel of your daily existence. There is no denying that. By continuing to allow this platform to exist would make me no better than those that choose to love that life. I decided to turn my back on that. If that somehow offends you, fill your boots because I’m not going to lose sleep over your discomfort with my decision.

But you are wrong in generalizing. And you are wrong to pick out individuals and insult them and the community of people who have used your site. Everyone deserves a forum. This site can be therapeutic, informative and when you actually read it…generally shows that adultery is often a terrible path to follow. This site didn’t promote adultery, it simply is a reflection of real life.

You would have been better served to sell the page or simply to stop not try to explain yourself.

I agree. This actually is very much like justifying an affair. I don’t like what I am reading, what this has become (I am not happy in my marriage).But I want to keep the few pearls of wisdom and turn it into something good (I want to make money – aka keep my marriage so I will have an affair).The way this is being handled is cake eating at its finest.

I don’t really care who sees mine – obviously. But I do think this is a fair question. I guess when you post something to a site it then becomes the owners property? So someone can later manipulate it and use it in any manner they choose? This is why I don’t do videos.

Wow! What a self righteous moron you turned out to be. Maybe if you read more of your site you’d see there are lots of different paths to affairs…. You in a sexless marriage, small kids, no job, …. Obviously with so many people and psts you can cherry pick tye oes to justify your self righteuosness. What a holier than thou prick you turned out be

Since you you are taking down the site, then you should not be “deciding” what to do with the posts. They should all be deleted. Not archived, but deleted.

As legitimacy and doing what is right is your driving motivation for shutting the site down, there is no legitimate reason to keep any of the posts. If you are ashamed of yourself for facilitating this group, you should be ashamed to even consider any other action than shutting down the forum and removing all posts immediately. What are you waiting for?

Directing people to read what you consider to be the “worst” of them is not justification, it is self-serving. If you know what you are doing is the right thing, then you need no justification, no finger-pointing, no righteous indignation feeding your conscience, and no applause from the audience.

They are going to remain for now. I know that the membership are freaking out at the moment as my inbox is flooded with people requesting that I nuke the posts and accounts but I think that there still might be something to be learned from this content and since I haven’t really decided what to do with the the overall direction the site is going to take I am going to just leave them up for the moment. I have no intention whatsoever of outing anyone. The suggestion is appreciated though.

Out the cheaters to their families? Ouch. Well, the shit will hit the fan for them eventually. They will be found out. The cheater will get sloppy. The unsuspecting party will listen to their instincts. And it will blow up in their faces.

You may not know the direction in which you wish to take the site, but you have expressed stongly the direction you no longer wish to go. Keeping posts accessible, posts that you find abhorrent, serves no purpose other than to keep you on that same rejected path, and it creates hostility.

You are retiring the site out of your sense of honor and dignity. Neither of those is served well by keeping up posts that are no longer sources of interaction, only sources of pain to all involved.

You might be right but at this point I am of the opinion that there is a lot to be learned by the archive of content that has been accumulated. The bottom line for me at this point is that the ability for people that are actively involved in cheating to communicate and support each other has been eliminated. Who knows which way the wind will blow? I’m going to take some time to give some serious thought to what happens next.

I think that the fact that it is the adulterers that are the most vocal about the content being removed is enough reason to give me pause in doing so.

Doc–
See what I’m talking about? The venom that is being spewed here is not helping anyone.
There have been threats and outright harassment in these comments that violate your own AUP, but you haven’t removed any of them– or reminded those users of your site policies.
If you are taking the high road, it’s all in, doc. Take the whole site down, and send everyone on their merry way.

actually defamation is saying something that is not true which and are allegations of a loathsome disease (mental illness/STD), allegations of unchastity, or allegations of criminal activity. You think i mean only plaintiffs who are the offending ws or their APs would be plaintiffs, but believe me, there is a ton of defamatory statements all over this board/forum as it is. like, oh for example, being called a narcissist or a sociopath. I’m not arguing it would be a strong case, but it would make it in the court doors, the media could get involved. it would be ugly fast.

but that’s really a side issue. my point–is the exact one you made: it would do more harm than good–that’s why i mentioned the intentional infliction of emotional distress tort before defamation.

Why would anyone freak out?
What difference does it make if it’s there now or month ago. It’s not like it was private at any time – it was always out there for anyone to read. You locking it up makes no difference

I never said he didn’t own the content. I said that keeping it up is contrary to what he wishes to accomplish, and judging by the malicious comments–and the assumptions about the people commenting here– he is revealing that he wishes to use these posts for some kind of gain. He says he wants to “learn”. Really? What more does anyone need to know? That there are damaged, lonely people in the world? Not just the poeple having affairs, but the spouses as well.

I have been on both sides of this issue.
Feeding the hostility and malicious behavior is not what Doc says he wants to do… yet he plans to do it anyway.
Pot=Kettle.

I find it curious that the vast majority calling for all of the posts to be deleted are the ones that did the posting? I am not sure why that is. I am not sure if it is a feeling of shame or if there is now a fear of being identified. ( I must say that I was constantly astounded as to how sloppy people were in trying to hide their identity.)

I might take them down, but for now I think that i will allow them to remain. If I ever do monetize them it will not in a way to enable adultery, it will be in an attempt to dissuade it. I feel no guilt whatsoever having the content there for all to see. Who knows, that may change. I’m not so entrenched in my thinking to have a change a of heart.

Dr. Cool
Perhaps I can shed some light on why the membership would like their posts deleted. When they posted Rule # 2 was in play they bared their souls with the knowledge that others would not be allowed to attack in inflammatory ways.

Rule #2 is no longer in play. Posts that were made on the forum under the blanket of rule #2 have been referenced and copied in this thread and inflammatory remarks have been allowed.

When the members posted they were not allowed to be torn to shreds or humiliated the moderating team and yourself did a great job of enforcing rule #2. If there is value in what was said in the forums it is due to the fact that the threads are not littered with name calling and derogatory remarks. The remarks are hurtful plain and simple and before anyone jumps on the bandwagon and says cheaters deserve it…. I believe that inflammatory statements perpetuate hurt to the person saying them AND the person receiving them. There are no winners and nothing constructive can be gained.

No, that’s not why the membership want the posts deleted. Perhaps some do, but I believe that the majority want them deleted because they are uncomfortable with the spotlight being pointed at them and being called out on just how disturbed the vast majority of them are. It’s uncomfortable for them. It’s awkward. It doesn’t feel good. They are not feeling validated. They are feeling fragile and vulnerable and it hurts. It has nothing to do with “rules” because the vast majority of them have been giving the finger to rules for as long as they decided to betray, lie, deceive and destroy. They couldn’t give a flying fox fart about the rules. They want the posts deleted for the exact same reason they wanted a safe place to validate their behavior. Because it suits them.

The fact that the voices from the membership are so loud when it comes to demanding the posts be deleted is more than enough reason for me to leave them up. In fact, I think that if I lived my life doing the EXACT OPPOSITE of what the vast majority of the membership would do I would probably turn out just fine. Instead of asking myself, “what would Jesus do” all I have to do is ask myself what the adulterers would do and then do the exact opposite. ( I’m an atheist by the way )

The forums tell a story. They speak for themselves. There will not be an ongoing commentary on the content in the forums as they have been locked down never to be opened again. This thread will die in a few days and then it will be done. If I decide to delete the forum archive it will because I have decided it to be the right thing to do. I certainly won’t be deleting it based on what the people who wrote it think. Why should I? The majority of them wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire.

And no, this isn’t easy for me. It sucks reading commentary about myself and my decisions. But I know that what I have done is right FOR ME. I respect your opinion and argument but I’m going to listen to myself for a change and do what I believe is the right thing. Chips fall where they may.

If you read Doccools reply to all the cheaters wigging because he won’t delete their posts, he has good reason for leaving up the posts.

It’s obviously to educate others…..loyal spouses as well as potential cheaters.

The site is still here, it’s simply no longer a haven where cheaters can support and encourage each other in their depravity.

But Doccool is doing society a service by allowing them to see the depravity that exists out there

Prior to my wife’s cheating I was unaware that so many people cheat or that a man would take pleasure in boffing his affair partner in his wife’s clothing, or boffing while talking on the phone to the unaware loyal spouse, or boffing in the marital bed, gleefully and getting turned on by it.

All those behaviors at the very least show a lack of empathy and integrity.

At their worst, they are narcissistic, sociopathic or psychopathic.

I literally got chills when I read about the guy asking his affair partner to dress in the wife’s cloths because it turned him on.

The fact that this man’s affair partner didn’t run out of the room, shows how desperate she was for some attention.

Umm…you realize sound like an idiot, right? These posts have been here all along. Leaving them up is not exposing anyone more than he or she was already exposed. It’s about the fact that IF our posts have been garbage, throw them away.

It’s about Doc’s Rule #1. If you said something that you stood by with conviction why cry “Delete me!” when the lights come on? Hence, the cockroach reference. I think it’s fully applicable. It’s not about exposing anyone, yet I find the irony of people saying all kinds of crap on the site so worried now that the site is only viewable content. Somehow, the scene in “There’s Something About Mary” comes to mind. You know the one…the one in the rest area when the cops light the place up. Fucking hilarious!

I am indifferent I guess. The forum helped me during my affair but I rarely felt valued, even as a past cheater, trying to offer insider advice. I see little more than pain to everyone in affairs…..for all involved. I wish everyne the best. It is a sad trap…..affairs….just hope everyone can find honest happiness and get the leaving as little destruction in their wake as possible.

Any amount of reading on this site revealed the inevitable pain of affairs even when they’re a complete secret. CA went through and came out the other side in one of the best success stories… and people almost completely ignored him! To their peril.

How really is there success in an affair? I say this as someone who has been in an affair for six years??? CA is a cake eater. Period. No matter how bad he feels now for what he did – he did it. He had multiple affairs. His wife found out and he did not leave. When did he leave? When his now GF stopped laying down for him. I made a post that asked people to reflect on what was wrong with them – what their spouse might complain about – and what did he offer? That she would miss his money – he could not even take an honest look at his shortcomings. This is in my mind imperative if he is to not cheat again – something he is committed to not doing. But he can’t even take an honest look at himself??? Even in the end – after his affair – it is STILL all about CA. And if you asked his ex wife I am sure THIS would be here complaint.

Hi CA,
I went on some of the threads in the forum this evening and read them. I do not know your story about why you stepped outside your marriage. I do think you were trying to be a voice of reason to people involved in affairs on the forum. I did notice no one responded to your post and completely ignored any of the advice you gave. Much of it was sound advice that is commendable.
I was so saddened to read these posts. A lot of the people that are involved in affairs are so entrenched in the drama of these crazy “relationships” that they do anything to hang on it them. At the family’s expense. I can’t read anymore. It hurts too much.
Would you engage in an affair again knowing what you know now? If you and your spouse are divorced, how do you establish a new relationship with someone new? Do you tell them about your cheating past? Can you really trust someone the same way before you cheated? Can a person really trust you?

But it was the forums that helped you move past your affair. Without them, where would you be? You see, this is the crux of it. After a year of being a member, I was staring to read your posts with more understanding, seeing how hopeless the affair life really was. I recently started feeling guilty and evaluating how long I was going to do this….because I can’t bear the thought of thinking of hurting my husband. This forum has helped me come to terms that my affair seeking behavior is about ME, not about my marriage. That I am rejecting my marriage and my emotional intimacy. I’m still delving into why, but when I first joined, I blamed my husband. He did or did not do this.

Yes, us cheaters are dreadful in the sense that are lost…some are cruel…some are acting out on being cheated on before, on childhood abuse, neglect and loneliness in the marriage, or being trapped. This is in an effort to distant the consciousness of the action and to feel entitled. But this process occurs with or without the forums.

Doccool, I can understand how you came to this decision. Some of the posts were appalling in some ways. Mostly, people have to separate their emotions from the horrible things we are doing to our spouses. So this has the effect of making us uncaring, unemotional, or rejecting of our spouse as a way to validate and justify our decision. The forum was a reflection of this process (I believe it actually happens during the affair process). This forum did get me into therapy into individual counseling to start to explore these issues.

Also, I would like to note that there were several recent introspective posts in the past week that were very thought-provoking. Not all of them, but a number of them. What if there was a different type of forum though. A “pro marriage” forum. BS’s could come if they want to (or not, given the rape analogy which I felt was reasonable), and people like princess, changed, CA, Anias or similar voices could talk about why to leave an affair. All too often, we see people come through talking about their unhappiness in an affair. I have been one of the strongest proponents of leaving the affair and moving on. This is what people need the most help with during those difficult times, is knowing how to regain the strength to move on. Recently there was a post by Flor who was seeing a player. Her heart was ripped out, she was devestated by this. We were encouraging her to move on from him I was invested in her story and helping her find the strength within herself to move on from a bad affair.

Did this forum support cheaters? Yes.
But, did this forum support marriage? Yes.
Did this forum support leaving marriage? Yes, some of the posters.
Did the forum support leaving affairs? Yes, quite often.
It also supported figuring out what your needs were for an affair. Helping people to see that what they needed was impossible to find in an affair (bored’s case for example) and needed to come from within. In my case, I needed the understanding that I’m ruining my own marriage. I don’t know if I would have come to this conclusion or in therapy with the support.

Yes, there is vile scum on here. Myself included. We are broken and sad and trying to sort through these processes that will exist and always exist with or without the forum.

We both agree that there is content that is valuable to learn a “lesson” and keeping it up. I agree that there is quite a bit of introspection in there. But instead of encouraging the wolves to mix with the lions, perhaps give a safe place…like a “Pro-Marriage or Pro-leaving the Affair” forum that is tightly regulated so no inflammatory responses can be made.

I was losing interest in the forum already as many of the posts were not speaking to me and also became exhausting to read. But, I do remember when I was confused and conflicted, those forums helped to challenge my views, challenge my cheating ways, and to start to build the idea that there are other ways.

Did this forum support cheaters? Yes.
But, did this forum support marriage? Yes.
Did this forum support leaving marriage? Yes, some of the posters.
Did the forum support leaving affairs? Yes, quite often.

I think they are contradictory. I fail to see how support of cheating and support of marriage can co-exist?

Also you twisted one question a bit – i corrected it:
Did the forum support leaving affairs, and encouraged engaging in another one? Yes, quite often.

My time here was brief, but it was fun, informative, helpful, upsetting, and sobering. I know some of my convictions may seem narcissistic, but I am single and am involved with someone who is married. Maybe it is because I have never been married, but I do not feel like I should bear the onus of protecting the feelings of people i do not know. i wish my guy would leave his marriage, but that’s something he has to do whether I am in the scales or not and it is not up to me to tell him how to navigate those waters. All in all, I already felt like i should find a different forum geared more towards mistresses anyway since i was missing half of the experience of most individuals on here (i.e. being married).

In any event, there are a lot of insightful, and intelligent voices. As a lover of great writing, silencing them is devastating–no matter the reason.

Just a shout out to those i will miss reading posts from: Conflicted Affair–I always valued your posts, duh! TallGirl–funny and articulate, well written posts. Pandorabox–funny and a bit wild–just like me. smiler, whyohwhy–i read almost all your posts–i think we sort of meet in the middle in terms of wanting know what the other half is like–a morbid curiosity, if you will. You are obviously a tremendous woman. I am sorry if any of my responses to your posts were hurtful to you; i only ever tried to convey what i was honestly feeling and thinking (both fluid things) while responding, which is what i thought you came to these forums seeking. okay, i am sure there are others.

I just have to ask one thing…as a single woman, how does it feel to know where you truly rank while being in an affair with a man who is too much of a coward to leave his wife for you.

That’s gotta feel great.

I pity bottom feeders like you and the rest of the lot. Imagine if you had children and got to explain to them why your “boyfriend” always has to go home and why you’ll never marry him. Wait…scratch that…you people are far too egotistical to care about what your children would think of you.

David: Center for Disease Control website says otherwise: “Human papillomavirus (pap-ah-LO-mah-VYE-rus) (HPV) is the most common sexually transmitted virus in the United States. At least 50% of sexually active people will have genital HPV at some time in their lives.” http://www.cdc.gov/hpv/

The CDC says that about 10-15% of women who develop PID become infertile. Still pretty uncommon, and I am still confident that it would be much more of a problem for third world countries than those with easy access to medical treatment and antibiotics. I will concede that yes, apparently PID is apparently not as obviously symptomatic as I assumed. Thanks for the information; I was making my assumptions re: the symptoms based upon the warnings that are printed on the back of tampon boxes.

http://www.cdc.gov/std/chlamydia/default.htm however, chlamydia is apparently the most reported STD. I think the CDC has more authority than your source. Your source is not updated since 2010 and is for profit. CDC is government run, and is up to date.

@ raved: Really? IQ drops when not bitter and not getting laid? Sorry to burst your bubble, but Dig’s wife would disagree with your assessment. I can’t speak for Mars because I don’t know his story as well. And me? Well, I’ve also been a WS AND a BS. I have no sympathy or tolerance for cheaters. I am still with my husband. I get laid. Your theory is flawed.

Negative thinking can alter one’s perspective. The notion is that you think bad things and thinking those bad things makes you feel bad. Then you feel bad so you are more likely to think bad things. Thinking bad things makes you feel bad. You feel bad so you think bad things….and so on. This is something I work on changing in my life because I am a pessimistic person. I actively have to tell myself not to think negatively. Depression will undoubtedly create a certain lens through which you view the world. I wouldn’t say it reflect IQ. In fact, pessimists, while less happy, tend to have a more realistic grasp of the world around them. Anyway, these are things that are obviously bleed into all my relationships in life, personal and professional, but this is not something I bring up unique to adultery or my romantic relationships. If it helps any of the BS out there, yes, I am broken. My history with men is not good. Some details I never shared on this board and I really would not care to yet. Some of the ones I have shared that I am not uncomfortable talking about anymore: my boyfriend with whom I lived being killed suddenly in a drunk driving accident when I was in my early 20s; dating a sociopath for three years (who was not faithful); and of course, infertility. So yes, these things have all worked a nasty spell over me and make it hard for me to enter into relationships where there is true commitment because let’s face it, I have had some unexplainable, shitty things happen and maybe I cannot or willnot be able to get back to where I was before the trauma. However, after my boyfriend was killed, I remember the very first time i was able to laugh again–I felt sooooooo grateful when i experienced a moment of joy in life again. I thought my ability to appreciate anything in life was gone. It was not for several years that I thought I could ever be romantically involved with anyone; i never thought i would love again, i never thought anyone would want to be with me if they knew that the man I loved and wanted to spend my life with was killed. I felt like damaged goods. This was reaffirmed constantly by the way people addressed the issue–they were careful not to mention it, tip toe around it. like discussing my grief or my lost love were taboo. Then when I thought I did find love again, I endured a three year relationship with a diagnosed sociopath; i got away form that with my life. Suffice it to say that yes, I am scared. Judge me all that you want to, but I live for the moments in my life that bring me joy because I do not know how long they will be with me. life is soooo short. I have been down the road of depression and considered ending my life, but in the end our time on this earth is so limited–why hurry to end it? May as well support the people we love and enjoy the times in life that bring us happiness. There is light in life–even in the darkest places. So, yes…if I am not hurting myself, I am hurting everyone else around me….I am what’s wrong and my path to healing from the traumas i have experienced in my life will never be over, but part of that healing is letting myself feel joy when I can. I AM sorry that there are innocents who would be hurt if my R with a MM ever is discovered. Every time I speak about the future and how I feel about MM with him and us and everything else, I always, always, always tell him that he should go get counseling with his W and cut me out of his life. He will not. He is in denial and has his head in the sand. I struggle with the fact that I threaten the very things he says are so important to him that he cannot be with me in a real way. I have told him that. He does not share my view. My point, I guess, is that yes I am selfish in this situation but I have had endured more hurt, trauma and pain in self-sacrifice in my 35 years on this earth than most people do in a life time. I am undoubtedly co-dependent. And what i have learned is that in order to become non codependent, I need to learn to take care of myself. That is why i stopped trying to talk MM into a rational view on what he is doing. I learned that me trying to fix him and make him happy is more codependent bullshit manipulative behavior. If he did heed my advice, I would be bitter and feel i had just sacrificed myself for him and his family who i don’t know. of course, that would just make it harder for him to reach that point because he would be riddled with guilty by all my self-sacrificing martyrdom. So, I don’t know. What I know is that I need to encourage myself to feel happy, and work on my problems which I have a pretty good understanding of what they are. I can only hope that others do the same in their lives.

well, i did not mean to write this much. Anyway, my heart goes out to everyone on here. This stuff is shitty. But please, please, please, everyone remember that life is short and the more you can consciously tell yourself to stop negative thinking, and the more you try in life to take everything that affronts you and just give back positive energy, the happier you will be. Think about doing every action in life with love in your heart. Even the selfish ones. I wish everyone the best.

Doc,
I’m happy you are doing what you feel is right for you. We all have to look ourselves in the mirror. I hope you will sleep better at night knowing that there were quite a few people who challenged their decisions and worked their way out of this lifestyle with the aid of this forum.

Just reading the commentary in this post, it’s clear that commentary in the blog would consist of name calling, condemnation and judgement. I truly believe that only those that seek to understand not condemn can assist someone in challenging themselves to a different path. The Internet has plenty of forums in which the cheater is condemned in a way that prevents self analysis, growth or change. I hope you will consider eliminating this site before allowing it to be another platform which accomplishes nothing but to perpetuate pain on both sides of an Affair and no resolution.

My Best to all the former posters on DC. We weren’t perfect, we didn’t always make the right choices in our lives. However, many of us were figuring that out and doing the best we could to make the right ones and helping each other through our pain. For some of us broken people that takes a few years and a compassionate fellow human. Take care everyone.
C.

Hmmm. Like ConflictedAffair, I too feel ambivalent. A bit surprised, but ambivalent. I would like you to know though.. this forum was useful in seeing the final outcomes of an affair. The start, middle and ending of affairs and made one think and pause. As someone pointed out.. real life in action was what this forum provided insight into. Unfortunately, some of that was not only warning signs of the heartache that followed, but also the incredible highs that came with an affair. But truly, it’s an interesting site.

There will be a lot of conjecture going on as to why you shut down the site. Ultimately it doesn’t matter. It is what it is. The site is down. Period.

Someone posted with glee about outing the people and making it a pay-per-view site. I find that idea quite laughable. I think they forgot to read the post of WHY you shut down the site. Your post states that it was for moral and ethical reasons. Those very reasons would also mean you would not use the forum as an opportunity to unethically exploit membership information for monetary reasons. Ethics is all encompassing. That.. and well.. the legal ramifications will be brought to light.. and the media will have a field day. It would be a mess wrt privacy of information etc etc.

Because it’s clear you are intelligent, I know you won’t even consider that as an option… but it does indicate some of the malicious intent that exists in on all sides of the argument. Interesting thought really.

The only thing I would like to say to the past posters are this:

Changed.. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to say good bye to you or get your personal email. I enjoyed reading your thoughtful posts… and truly liked you. Sometimes.. wisdom is often found where you least expect it (i.e. affairs forum).

ConflictedAffair:
Although you came across as very pedantic at times… I also liked your thoughtful posts (although a bit long winded for my taste). Many times I agreed with your thoughts and posts. The only thing I disagreed with was your definition of a successful affair. The mere combination of words were an oxymoron. Perhaps you personally did not use the term “successful affair”… but others on the forum did, and held you up as an example for that term. In my mind’s eye… there are no successful affairs. Just survivors…. and you happened to be a happy survivor.

Doccool: good luck on your future endeavors. As an agnostic with a moral compass… you’ll figure out a site that is both income generating and also easy on your conscience. Don’t be too hard on some of the past members… they are who they are..

I respect your decision. Everyone has a right to changes their mind;however, I would like to remind you of this advice – he who is without sin may cast the first stone.
My meaning is, you created this “monster” of yours for whatever reason, but as the host of this “party” you shouldn’t criticize your guests. Back down quietly & without criticism unless you are completely innocent in all aspects of your life.

I’m certainly responsible for the monster that it became. As I’ve said, I don’t feel particularly proud of that. I don’t feel bad for taking a few parting shots on my way out considering the amount of crap I took from a good portion of the membership when I tried to crack open the door to allowing opposing viewpoints to have more of a voice in the discussions. Goose, gander and all that.

I am reading your posts.. and did not realize how much negative comments you must have received and endured from either side. The BS laying on guilt and moral issues on your conscience… and well the wandering ones on the forum acting all rude and entitled. I guess the change over to the new forum, was not supported and instead was taken as an opportunity to complain.

Don’t take it personally…. people can be really negative sometimes. We were never in your shoes.. and really should refrain from judging.

Thank you for the forum you provided for readers thinking about or in the midst of having an affair or finishing up an affair. As hard as it is to believe… not everything about your forum was completely negative. Far from it. Take heart in it.

Don’t worry about the negative comments. You don’t owe anyone anything.. this is YOUR site. You can do as you wish with it. Including shutting it down.. or leaving it as is.

Good luck. Boo on the people who are still posting negative comments to you!!

That was a lovely jaunt into Pollyanna-ish morality. Does this mean that you will be donating the money you made from the pro-affair advertising over the past years to a good cause? Because it, of course, would be clearly hypocritical to profit from something you find so morally repellent, right? In reality, I understand not wanting to continue to support behavior you can’t get behind, but there is a better way to do it than insulting the people who have come to your site for support. You’ve latched on to the extreme cases, and forgotten about the majority of people of who are generally good and kind, and who are HURTING. Just because you don’t condone the pain doesn’t make it any less real. As a business owner, I’m sure there could have been a way to end operations without insulting the very people who you said you were offering a place to at least be honest.

Thanks for your considered opinion however I have decided that I am no longer going to take lessons in morality from those that choose to betray their spouses. I don’t owe the membership anything. In fact, outside of a handful of members, they treated me like shit and had a sense of entitlement that made me shake my head in disbelief.

Honestly, I agree with you. That’s like saying that someone who converts to another faith and becomes convicted that their profession before was immoral, but it made them wealthy, should donate all that money. No, what was done PRIOR to the epiphany (or whatever you want to call it) has no bearing on NOW. It’s what one chooses to do AFTER they feel so convicted to change.

This is my favorite line: life is not black and white. No it’s not. But consider this: “I am cheating on my husband because I don’t love him anymore but I am staying until my financial situation improved and I can survive without hardship.” So, this woman does not want financial hardship, she uses her husband that she doesn’t love for monetary gain and all the while humiliating him behind his back. What is so gray about it?

Sense of entitlement. The inflated self-importance and sense of entitlement of those involved in an affair is mind-boggling. I have read posts of an OW getting so mad because her MM goes NC to save his marriage. She said she is entitled to closure. First, as the OW you are entitled to…nothing. When you jump into an affair with an unavailable person, you basically agree that you are disposable in his/her life. Compassion? Kindness? Treat people the way you want to be treated. When you have no compassion for his W, why should she be compassion enough to let her H give you…err, closure? As the legitimate partner, BS has all the rights that you just don’t have. DEAL WITH IT. We all are adults. We are free to decide what we want to do. Having an affair is morally and ethically questionable, yet it is not a crime in many countries. BUT, you must be ready to bear the consequences. Not whining, begging for understanding, asking for compassion when you can’t show the same to others. No, I don’t feel bad to call you “vermin” or “bottom feeders”. You show others how to treat you by your own action. OWN UP.

Have an affair, don’t have an affair. It always takes two to tango. But for God sake, stop fricking whining and acting as if you are the helpless victim, the innocent bystander. ANYONE who is having an affair with a married person HAS THE PRIVILEGE of knowing that this person is capable of lying to his/her partner, why acting so shocked when you find out he/she is capable of lying to you too. What makes you think you are so special/any different than his/her partner? Every time I read an OW acting all shocked and “betrayed” by her MM, I chuckle. Like…duh! What did you expect?

I’m really sick and tired of cheaters wanting “support”, “understanding”, “compassion”, “respect”, and above it all “honesty from their affair partner.” That’s oxymoronic. Do what you want, but you are not entitled to anything you can’t give. GROW UP.

Wow…this moralistic high ground. People make rules people change rules throughout history. After all we are just apes. If your spouse was happy with you they would not look for happiness elsewhere. If someone wants to find alittle happiness (maybe your spouse?) after dealing with a miserable home life for decades what’s it to you? The vast majority of these clandestine relationships go undetected and the family is never hurt, disrupted. And this scenario has been playing out over and over since humans evolved. Go ahead. Try to change human nature.

Has a cheater shown compassion to his/her spouse? His affair partner’s spouse? His/her family? The time stolen from your kids (general you) to sneak around with someone’s spouse or behind your spouse. The time that you are just not present for your family when they need you.

“we are just apes.” Please speak for yourself. I’d like to think that we human beings have evolved. We have bigger and more sophisticated brain for a reason.

This is such a good point. I never paid attention to the AM ads all around the site – my A was organic so I had no interest. However, we did have AM ads as I now recall. Up to the very last minute. Hmmm….odd from someone so moral? Offering a forum is one thing, condoning affairs another – yet profiting from their potential creation….YIKES. No wonder you can’t look at yourself in the mirror doc.

Laughable commentary. I think Doc made it perfectly clear that he was in this to make money. That’s how one makes money…by having ad space on their sites. Doesn’t matter what the ad is…it matters what the ROI is. That he is a capitalist is good. That he now says he’s not gonna take lessons in morals from cheaters is priceless.

Wow, how messed up are the BSs, hopefully not all that they side with a person who made money on cheating and now coming with their own excuses for that person. Wow, I’m so happy I’m on the other side of the fence if this is what you call morality and being honest with yourself. So following your logic dig…….. ad space is just ad space? So child pornography would be fine too would it be legal??

So, we’re now to compare infidelity to child pornography. Ummm..okay, but remember YOU brought that up. If child porn was legal…Jesus Fucking Christ, I can’t even imagine a world like that, so your attempt to compare the two is moot. As for morality and being honest with oneself, go look up what I said to Doc on TAM last summer. I told him I thought he was a scumbag for making money off a site encouraging cheaters. I also said I am all for capitalism and he can make his dough any way he wants, but I still see that as scummy. At least I can be honest enough to tell the guy what I think of him while still respecting he’s in it for the money. Hell, at least he was honest about what he was doing. Unlike the cheaters of the world…hiding, being secretive. If you choose to stay on THAT side of the fence, that’s your bag to carry.

Actually, that is not accurate. I pulled down all of the ads to married dating sites when I did the redesign. In fact, the forums themselves had zero advertising displayed and were not being monetized in any way whatsoever.

I know you’ve taken a lot of hits from both sides. Thanks for providing this while it lasted. I’ve found others’ perspectives incredibly valuable. While I would rather have a happy marriage, fate has not dealt me such cards and affairs have been part of how I’ve found happiness in spite of difficult circumstances. Like a lot of others I’ve felt morally conflicted – a stance that we often hide with superficial glee at the thrill of what we’re apparently getting away with. It has been indescribably helpful to hear the range of experiences and feelings of others struggling with all sides of infidelity.

David,
Thanks for your suggestion. Like Skeptic and SeriouslyHorny and others on the old site, I have a spouse who is chronically ill and would be lost without someone to work, take care of all the finances, clean the house, etc., while also dealing with an emotionally stunted and sexually mostly unavailable spouse. Pre-A, I seethed with anger at her. I would have liked nothing better than to end the marriage, but that would be selfish. Once my first A started, I became a nicer person to her. She even commented on it at the time. EMA’s have become a way to cope with her illness and still be there for her.

Was it “right”? No. A better person might have been able to live such a life without anger, complaint, or deceit.

DC Administrator,
Would you ever consider making this a site that help betrayed spouses in rebuilding their lives after infidelity? Some choose to stay and work on their marriages and succeed. I applaud them and happy for them! But that us not the norm. Many must pick up the pieces and move on. A lot if betrayed spouses experience severe pain, trauma, and PTSD in the wake of discovering a spouse cheating.
Perhaps a site that would help a person through the trauma, as well as success stories of rebuilding. What does not kill you makes you stronger. I must say I admire many betrayed spouses, whether they choose to stay or leave.. to give someone another chance after such betrayal shows significant amount of compassion and love for their spouse. Yet, most times, reconciliation is false. It takes incredible amount of strength, courage, and gumption to leave a cheater. And start new. The unknown is terrifying.
Just a thought I had.
Anyway, thank you. Good luck with your endeavors.

No, I don’t think that I am qualified to do that. I think that unless your life has bee touched by infidelity then you can not come to grips with just how devastating it is and I don’t think that I could do that topic the justice that it does deserve. Might there be elements of that? Perhaps. But there are far better qualified people already doing that type of thing. chumplady.com comes to mind.

Chump Lady! She is freaking awesome!!! Great blog! Very insightful and she is very witty. Love her recent blog post on betrayeds matching up with other betrayeds. She is a success story herself. Leave a cheater. Gain a life. Yes!!!

I’m kind of sad to see this board go. Honestly, I found the after the affair section really useful. As as single person who managed to get themselves involved with a marriage person and knew it was a bad, unhealthy, and just plain wrong relationship, I truly found the after the affair section really great in providing support to remove this person from my life and to stay away from them when I did. I really wouldn’t recommend an affair to anyone. Between my own experiences and all the crazy stuff I’ve seen on the board, it’s not worth it. While I understand and respect DocCool’s decision to close down the forums, I will always be grateful for the support I received when deciding to leave my affair.

Pandorabox – I am very sorry you were singled out. I think that was incredibly immature and sadly indicative. Thank you for your honesty on the site. It was this kind of willingness to be truthful regardless of appearances that made the site so powerful. I want to wish you the very best with your divorce and affair. I also want to thank you for your advice and support. I am happy to report I did not have to have sex with my husband on his birthday trip. Of course OM of six years and I had sex the day I left and first thing Monday morning. Nothing like a man with a strong libido. Even with the 13 year age difference he is incredible in bed. I am truly blessed. I am in contact with Saffron and hope to be with Sunsetmoon, not sure you have either of their private contact info – but if so I would be happy to email IRL.

Bored12, Changed, Smiler, Tallgirl, Honeybadger, Wanderingwife, Fantasygirl – I will miss all of you and wish you the very best.

“Oh, I missed the opportunity during the last round of peeping Tom’s trying to look at the fish in the bowl and should be in bed, but just could not pass this up.
I am in the unique position of having my H know. The only guilt I feel is to my children for not having picked a better father for them – they will not make the same mistake for their own – on this I swear. Not one shred of guilt toward H or W of OM – My H and I have not had sex in six years. He withdrew, he broke our vows by not having sex with me and I told him we would no longer be monogamous. I guess to clarify I should have said I would be monogamous, just not with him. RE the W of my OM – she is a bitch. Sorry, but there it is. Not his words, never. My observations. Regardless, it is not by business. I took no vow toward her. He did. And if and when our affair ends I will leave it to him to handle her how he sees fit.”

—> I do applaud you for being honest with your husband. Salute. And good for you that you don’t feel guilty to his W either. Nope, you didn’t take a vow toward her. And yes, he should handle his W when your affair ends. I hope you are consistent if you get the wrong end of the stick, e.g. if he dumps you. He doesn’t take a vow toward you, remember? He owes you nothing but probably thank you for being a good laid.

“I have been reading the BS sites – not writing, although given recent events on this board I almost feel compelled to do so. I wonder how much they would welcome that? If I confronted them on THEIR denial and THEIR absurd behavior. How do you call an affair of six years denial, a fantasy. I love my OM more than anything and what we have is 100% real. Why would anyone want to hold on to someone who does not love them? I pray to God that she does not try to shove R down his throat and when she 180’s she 360’s out of his life. How about if I asked them to face the reality that, “Honey, they affair down,” is a total load of shit.”

—> It’s a matter of perception. She may think you are in denial, you obviously think what you have is 100% real. The truth? I’d wager: somewhere in between. How about YOU face the reality: no matter how unhappy he is, how bitchy she is, HE IS STAYING IN HIS MARRIAGE. It’s not perception, it’s a fact.

“Affairs are a full time job. Very few who go at it half assed make it very long. Stop fooling yourself – if your S spent more than one month with an AP it was not an accident, they are not sorry. The only thing they are sorry for is that they got caught and they do not want to give up their $$$$.
It seems like the only options here are wallowing in guilt while screwing your AP or D. In this very moment I chose neither. I’m sorry, I am also not delusional. I am not from a broken family, have no traumatic childhood experiences of my relatives being in affairs and no history of addiction, personal or familial. I am intentionally sleeping with a married man and honestly his W should thank me. I have no doubt he would have left long ago if not for me and should she ever wish to use his dic% again for her pleasure, she can rest assured it has been fine tuned and is in working order.”

—> Good for you. And if you were sleeping with my husband, I would thank you for a job well done. Now that you help IT tuned up, you need to butt out when the wifey needs him around for other stuff. Why are you angry if your MM’s W shove R down his throat or do not take a 360 out of his life? It’s HER husband after all, he is not yours. Tell him to man up since “what you have is 100% real” but don’t hate the bitchy wife, hon. You don’t take a vow toward her, and vice versa. She doesn’t give a crap about how you feel (especially if she doesn’t even know you exist!) just like you don’t give a crap about how she feels. Like Doc Cool said, Goose, gander and all that.

I don’t hate her. i feel sorry for her. That she would, “Need him for other stuff,” rather than treat him like a man and appreciate who he is as a person, rather than what she think he owes her as her husband. She is missing out. And apparently, so are you.

Your MM allows it, he is still married, isn’t he? Do you feel sorry for him too? I am not missing anything….hmm *thinking* I don’t think. I am not the one stuck in a marriage with a man I can’t stand, or in love with a man I can’t have.

She deserved to be singled out. She personified the ugliness of the forum. In the space of 39 days she posted 840 times. That is 21 posts A DAY. almost one post every hour. Her callous tone and disregard for other peoples feelings was extraordinary. Even now, she has attempted to post in this very thread links to other affair forums. Feel free to have sympathy for her. You support of her says more about your character than my dressing down of her says about mine.

I don’t get that part?
Was there limit on amount of posts? Was it bad for forum to have active members?
And wasn’t it a Christmas break we talking about?
I remember posting 5-10 posts in one hour if there was something I was interested in or talking to friends being online…

I don’t know where did you find ugliness in the one who found a way to get out of her marriage and give up her affair but I guess I don’t get you people anyway

Seems like I’m not only one as few is trying to get in touch with Pandora

WOW! Just days ago Pandora was called a “breath of fresh air’ from the owner of this forum DCool. I know what happened here. When Ivillage went lousy and someone posted to come HERE on MAS along came all the Betrayed Spouses. So we spilled our guts to only end up being attacked and betrayed for our brutal honesty. Thanks for nothing Dcool.

Guess what folks. This forum was REAL. That’s right. Sleep tight tonight all you Moral Judgmental folks. Your life will still be what its is. To everyone who took a moment to bare there soul on this site I salute you.

Also–I am so grateful that I have my longstanding support group of five years. No one can take that away from me. We are a group of women–some now married to their affair partner, some who have moved on and are happy with new husbands and boyfriends, and some who are still in A LOVE affair with their guy.

Aww hon, why do you think I’m angry? I am not even married if you thought I was a bitter BS. I just cannot stand delusional and narcissistic people. Can’t leave your spouse for whatever reason? Well, you are weak, a coward, a liar, AND a cheater. Usually cheaters are the ones angry when we just call a spade a spade. What should we call you? A victim of how unfair life is? The Juliet to your Romeo and BS is your parents?

Good that he loves you. My question to you: is it enough when you wallow in self-pity when he can’t be with you? If it is, why do you need a support forum anyway? Be happy and merry. I am happy, and I wish you know how it feels not to be second best.

I guess the people here need a support forum for the same reasons that other groups have them. Singles groups, forums for women, sports junkies, religious groups, dieting sites, astrology sites military people–you name it, there is a forum or group for just about everyone who wants a little contact with people who have similar interests and problems.
Look at the forums you visit–does visiting your online friends mean you are unhappy IRL?

Umm… Finally Happy is showing her support for dc administrator’s decision to shut down this site. Are you involved with a married person? If so, just because you are single/divorced does not make it okay that you are involved with an unsuspecting wife’s husband. Shame on you!! You are taking part in the abuse and should be held accountable for your part in this travesty. Abuse is never justified.

I don’t mention anything religious or of higher moral ground. You want to sneak around and lie? Go ahead and do it. But I am not going to pat your back and pooh pooh the pain you inflict on yourself and on others involved.

Just like Doc said, you cheaters ask for your posts to be taken down because now, the spotlight is on you. Lying and sneaking around in the dark are inherent in cheating. Without them, it’s just an open relationship. When the light is on, and people tell you as it is, it makes you feel uncomfortable to have to face the truth. It’s not your “soulmate”, it’s a “someone who’s married to someone else” that you are sleeping with. You are not “dating”, you are “cheating.” One poster does not like the word “cheating.” Errr…but that’s what you are doing. Now if you face the truth and are fine with what you are doing, good for you. But don’t shoot the messenger.

I am pretty sure some of the forum members found solace in each other through their difficult times. But how many actually end their affair because they are enlightened by the wisdom found on the forum? If you go to the “ending” section, most affairs end up because: (1) D-day and one party decidedly wants to work on his/her marriage and breaks up with the OW/OM. (2) One party feels guilty or finds someone else to cheat with. So basically, many more members are on here just to exchange “trick of the trade.” How to go even deeper underground (yet, you are offended to be called “vermin”? would “vampire” or “bats” make you feel better?), what to do with ingrown around your vajayjay right before your cheating time, how to “break” the married man who is on the fence about ending his affair. That’s what you cheaters have been talking about and you want support for these? You want us to tip-toe around and paint a rosy picture that you guys are just in love just so you can sleep at night? Nah. Do what you want, but I’ll call a spade a spade.

We are not all the scum of the earth for being here, and we all have our reasons for being in an affair. When I was 14, a married man pushed me against a wall and thrust his tongue down my throat. At 16 I was accosted by a married school teacher and at 18, at my first day at my first job, I was sexually harassed by a married man. I was psychologically damaged by these people and grew up thinking that this was normal behaviour. I make no apology at all for my actions. We all have our vices.

If you care to read my posts, you will see that during all my threads as a member here, I was struggling with the after-math of a D-Day. It caused me immense heartache. I never asked for help or looked for sympathy; I was merely posting my thoughts openly as a way of helping me recover. I know a lot of people gained from my experience, and only yesterday, I encouraged a member, fresh from a D-Day to avoid the pain I had suffered by moving on.

In my opinion, Doccool should take off all the contents of the forums immediately. I’m not in the least bit scared of stone throwing; however I opened my life up to help others and I feel that this is now my diary that is being exposed to the world. That’s not how it was intended.

Pandorabox, I am sorry you have been singled out in Doccool’s closing speech, particularly when one of your recent posts was announcing that you were giving the ultimate sacrifice, by not continuing with the affair. That took great courage on your part, and I admire you for that. Good luck for the future.

For all the friends I made here, I will miss you all. For that one special friend – you know who you are – I have asked Doccool to give you my email address if you ask him for it. I will be lost without your moral support and friendship.

I strongly believe that the whole group here will reconnect. I guess each person does have someone’s email address or the phone and so on.
Smiler, Changed, Tallgirl, Michael, Kent, Andi etc ……..
Was great to meet you and share and laugh together, hopefully see you soon.
Smiler, enjoy the trip in Pandoraland
NG hope you found someone to join you in Italy

Actually, I’m sorry the forum closed. I would rather see the human cockroaches exposed than hidden. However, I fully understand you decision Doc. Being associated with such trash is not something a person with a functioning and rational value system can stomach. Sometimes the money is just not worth it.

Btw, it is funny to see how cheaters bring up the “nobody is perfect” rationalization for their behavior. Like a child molester telling you how you cannot pass judgment on him because you stole candy from your grandma when you were a kid.

While I support your decision to close the forum, I am sadden at the way in which you did. Yes there were narcissist and self centered folks on your forum… but there were also a large quantity of souls that passed through the site that helped others, I feel that there were more than a few raw gems. I spoke honestly about their shortcomings, acted with respect and received help to make better choices. I personally feel condemned by your post. I wasn’t going to post again as it seems that rule 2 can no longer be upheld – but I woke up this morning and felt sick about all the people who came here – bared their souls – exposed their pain – took tough feedback and made changes to the positive.

I’ve always said it’s important to be responsible for our choices. I know this better than anyone. My time spent here was a spiritual journey where like many I decided to change the direction I unfortunately took with my life and move on. I stuck around here because I felt others needed help to see all sides of the equation. I gave continuously much of myself.

I’m sorry that you felt the need to throw the whole group to the wolves. And while I understand their hostility from the betrayed side (I understand better than most) – I do feel sad that in all of this the important dialog of getting under the ugly and into the soul is being missed.

I thank the forum and the many many people who passed through here who challenged my thinking, helped me understand more deeply the betrayal I had experienced and all the subsequent fallout that came…I’m deeply sorry for all sides of this thing – there truly are no winners – no grand prize received in any of this.
I will close this chapter on my life – no longer affected by infidelity – clear of the wreckage that has pained me the last 8 years – sad to see the ending be so insensitive to many many people who really earned more than this.

I leave you with this – We all make choices in life – I don’t know of any who don’t have regrets or paths that didn’t diverge away from ones core – whether it be addiction, or infidelity – there is recovery. Healing and recovery start by not pointing the finger at others but being rigorously honest about oneself. The only side of the street that you can clean is your own. I will continue my quest to seek to understand instead of being understood. I will sleep comfortably at night knowing that I have cleaned up my messes, I have forgiven those that harmed me. I have admitted my wrongdoing, I have made amends to those I have harmed. I have done my best to share my experience strength and hope with other I have walk in the desert a painful place to be and have come out the other side free.

It hurts my heart to have spent so much time helping to make your forum a better place of understanding. Yes.. you are right … I do feel betrayed (again) . I’m in agreement with your choice as I have said, but I would have hoped that it would have been done with more respect to those that truly brought their “broken” souls to seek a better way. I think it is time to close it up – I would have only wished that it was done more thoughtfully. To me that would have been appreciated.

As always, your abilitly to experss your thoughts and feelings are outstanding. I’ve appreciated your honesty and insightfulness throughout my time on this site. I couldn’t agree more that there was a deeper path for many of us on this board. I too feel betrayed that the way this forum has ended; the high road was taken but it feels very backhanded.
Do you think it matters that the removal of this forum might actually enable some to go back to cheating? It really was a life line to many…
Good luck KJ – thank you for your time!

>>>>> I will sleep comfortably at night knowing that I have cleaned up my messes,

As will I.

>>>>there were also a large quantity of souls that passed through the site that helped others

Yes, there were. If I have any regret it would be that I did not acknowledge that in the above post. You were obviously one of the people that could truly help and assist people. It is unfortunate that the forums were not filled with with people that were as giving and helpful as you. The fact of the matter is that the vast majority of the membership were the exact opposite and saw no difficulty in throwing me under the bus or casting stones at me at any opportunity, both on the boards and in private. As a result I don’t feel badly for calling them out in my post in the least bit.

You have tremendous insight in to what makes you tick. I truly wish you all the happiness in the world.

Thank you KJ for this post.
I read your long posts so many times and I never got a chance to comment. There wasn’t really a point. They were always so deep and they gave so much insight that most of the time I would just spend the time reading it few times and think and come to the thread later.
You were a gem in there and I honestly feel my skin just crawl that you got treated the same way as the rest of those people who bared their souls for so long so one NOW moral person could grab a niche and play saint afterwards to grab a new one.
I hope K J we meet again, searching understanding I guess we will see each other somewhere and whatever your name I know I will recognize your deep style and emotions you put in your posts.
Thank you and see you soon

WOW, haven’t been here for a few months, show up today and find this. Mind blowing. I applaud your decision. It is always wonderful when someone finds a new path of growth. I just want you to know though that, without your forum in its original state, I would not have had the courage to grow as well. I came here pretty distraught in my marriage and found a way out by learning from others who had experienced the same. My choice to engage in an affair may not have been your choice or her choice or his choice, but I entered into this life style with eyes wide open and better for it. It is refreshing to look into the mirror and have the courage to really see what is there, but to turn that mirror, now, into a magnifying glass?????? Are you really better off? Sounds like you might want to shut the whole thing down to save your soul completely. Nothing is going to change, the statistics bare that out. More of us are cheating than not, it seems. Now you are going to make money on this forum with people being nasty to each other, judging, saying cruel things—-ask yourself, is that any better? Sure, I guess that is better than some of the sick things that have been posted here, but you did not have to post those disturbing things. You are in control of the posts, right? I am not so sure you are going to be OK with new format either. Step away completely for your own mental heath, it seems you really are not cut out for this. Good Luck!

To the prior responder – my affair was no “success”. All affairs are failures – either destroying healthy marriages or adding additional pain to marriages that should no longer exist. There are all selfish and I was selfish.

I have been active on this board for over 3 years. I was honored to be a moderator an give back to a community that helped me see the error in my ways. I never came here for support – I cam here to figure out what the hell to do.

I was a cake eater with a guilty conscious. I’m no hypocrite, I admit it. I also know how I felt during the foggy and drunken with emotions and hormone phases of my affair. Believe me when I say 99% of you will leave with regret – either from damaging something as rare as a healthy marriage or depriving yourself and others of genuine happiness by lacking the courage to leave. There is no winning.

I was often tempering my commentary as part of my role as a moderator and in an effort to not offend, but help people see and objectively evaluate their choices & the inability to achieve lasting happiness. I always tried to approach this as an advocate for the WS – the only role I understand. That’s the only perspective I can speak to in an informed way. I don’t think it is possible and I was ready to abandon the forum for that reason – I really have no other purpose here. I hoped to get some sense of “good” from all the “bad” that I experienced in an affair by helping someone in a similar situation hurt less. The majority had no interest.

I feel sorry for most here. I don’t say that from some judgmental righteous BS beat down perspective. I am empathetic because most are unaware, and unwilling, to step aside from the intoxicating effects of an affair to recognize the reality of it all – there is no happiness to be found. I watched literally 100’s of AP’s come and go through this forum and repeat the same process – with only a few variations of outcomes, all of which imparted unnecessary pain on themselves and other and led to the same decision points -> fix you marriage, accept it, or leave – there is no other path.

Ultimately, I give up. My hopes to obtain something/anything good from my affair has proven fruitless. Even a cheater can’t help other cheaters. There is in fact NOTHING good that comes from affairs.

The loop for me is now closed. End of the cycle.

Best wishes to everyone touched in any way by an affair. Everyone deserves more in life – I hope you all find the courage to pursue it, the strength to forgive one another, and good fortune to find love in a genuine and honest way.

I think he explained that nothing positive comes affairs. He could have divorced his wife before engaging in relationship with this person. Instead he put her through emotional and mental abuse. No one deserves that. In affairs, everyone loses.

Yeah you can spin it that way but bottom line is it started as an affair. This is what many are looking for…an escape hatch. And it dragged out a bit with CA but the affair paved the way for his current happiness.

I think I speak in the name of vast majority of members when I say you were the heart and soul of the forum. You were the mother, the father, the wise-(wo)man, the therapist, the priest and the friend to so many of us. You have enrichen our souls and hearts in a big, big way. The forum would never be so precious without your contribution and devotion. Not a single word you wrote has been wasted.

Please keep that in your heart for always.
You are one of a kind and I thank you and love you!

I think it was Pandora who suggested that doc follows the rules of SI forum where there is separate rooms for only people in A and rooms where everybody could interact, even that as you can see the interaction is just name calling and nothing fruitful comes of it. Anyway we never seen this incorporated neither we did see any comment on this suggestion even that so many members were annoyed with BSs getting involved in their threads

I would like to say thank you for doccool for this site, it was a lifeline to me and helped me deal emotionally with the situation I along with many others found themselves in. Ive read through replies to this post and understand the decision that has been made and carefully thought out and a well worded explanation has been given.

Thank you to all the members here who offered kind words of support and shared their knowledge of their own experiences with me. I also wish you all the best in this journey we call life, wherever the path may take us, but continue we will, through life’s ups and downs, just from now on it we will do it alone without a safety net of understanding folk just a keyboard click away.

By being a member here I have learnt a lot about myself. Sometimes through the ability to express myself in a safe environment or through the questions posed by others. What ever happens to the site it happens, it is not my decision to make nor my place to cast judgement on what doccool ultimately decides. But all I can be is grateful that I was able to be a member, hopefully helped some people along the way, and eternally grateful to the members who helped me along my journey so far.

I have had to delete multiple comments as a result of people using profane and inflammatory language. I understand that people are upset but I think the discussion would be better served if everyone could make their points without using such hateful language. Thanks.

Never Say Never,
I am so sorry about your life circumstances and you BF passing away. That is terrible.
From what you posted about your life and what you have gone through, I hope you are getting therapy to deal with the trauma of that as well as dating a sociopath. But dating a married man is not the answer either. It is not your job to fix him. It is your job to fix yourself. Live authentically. Love yourself. Respect yourself. We all get hit with crap from life. Don’t use that as a crutch to make bad life choices. Part is the pessimism might be a result of compromising yourself in bad situation. Pessimism is self-defeating.. Realists are the ones that have a grasp on life.. Don’t confuse that with pessimism. You are 35 years old with a lot of beautiful life ahead of you.
Don’t waste your time on a married man that uses you as his plaything. He is an abusive ass. He is sick and unhealthy.
Aim high. Be strong! Know your worth and find a real man that will catch you when you fall. A man that you don’t have to share. A full time real, reciprocal, respected, healthy love.
This cheater is weak loser. Ditch him.
Your optimism will soar when you feel empowered within yourself to handle life’s circumstances and live to treat others and yourself with dignity and respect.

thanks, cac. I am in regular therapy. I discuss my relationship with a married man with my therapist. we monitor it closely. of course, she can only help me when i give her all the information factually (and i don’t always with this and other issues). I am working on that though. In any event, my relationship with MM has an expiration date (or rather event) from my perspective. It might not be the best coping mechanism for me for dealing with challenges in my life right now, but I do not try to hide the fact that it is just that for me. I guess I use him and he uses me. Not healthy, but–as I have discussed on the forums–I will leave the situation when I am ready, I know exactly what event will trigger that, and it is not in the distant future. I hope I am as confident that I will be able to walk away then as I think I will be now. I have tried to end it twice with the married man. each time, he did not really acknowledge it, but my feelings and perception of the relationship changed dramatically with each of these hiccups. I do not have any faith or reliance that it will be long term or that he is committed to me. When there are times that I have no contact from him, I am not floored by the notion that he may have experienced a Dday and i may never hear from him again. I just acknowledge that nothing in my life will really have changed in that event.

Right now, i stay in the relationship because it gives me something to look forward to. I know the major things I need to change so that I have more reliable sources of joy in my life, and I am pouring my heart and soul into pursuing those changes and I anticipate achieving those goals within the next year. I do not want anyone to think I am seeking any kind of condoning of this situation, or that I am trying to justify it. I am just explaining my point of view because I do not feel i am a narcissistic or sociopathic person and I would like to set the record straight on that. I can admit i have narcissitic qualities, but they are hugely out-weighed by codependecy qualities.

Anyway, the reality is that while what I am doing may be morally reprehensible, it is a temporary crutch for me. people who quit taking heroin often use suboxone to make their detoxing less painful. Sort of to echo Conflicted Affair’s experiences in his affair, I guess I feel like I am doing something that is not the healthiest thing, but it is just making an otherwise intolerable time in my life palatable.

I do feel bad that there are innocents who could be hurt, and maybe assigning that guilt alone to MM is denial speaking, but I know this is something i need for now–it is an escape from my reality which seems otherwise intolerable. As I said, I am changing real concrete things in my life that make me miserable every day and that I have the control to change. Unfortunately, these changes will not happen overnight, but they are happening relatively quickly, and when they are done, I do not anticipate needing an escape or anything but myself to be happy and fulfilled.

As an aside, I do not feel happy and fulfilled in life right now. And I am not trying to say that MM makes it that way.

My “Jerry Springer final thought”: If we view affairs as addictions, I think I can see why this site was not long for this world. Let’s assume that affairs are like drug addictions. Anyone with any experience working with, loving, or knowing drug addicts knows that drug addicts will never be in a position to recover until they acknowledge that they are addicted to the drug. This site hosted forums for members who were recovered, members who were trying to achieve sobriety, and members who are in denial of the addiction.

For the last group, yes, the forum served as a conduit for enabling dialogue. I will not deny that a lot of times I posted here, I was looking to canvass the group, weed through responses, and consider only those responses which validated my thinking. That is not what Doccool wanted to set up I guess. I was a newcomer, and I suppose this was a bit misleading because I thought that it was a site that supported people looking for no-strings attached cheating arrangements. I was pleasantly surprised when there was much more depth to the dialogue.

I guess my point is that the site was supporting groups with diametrically opposed perspectives–those who do not want to address their problems and are looking for others to enable them, and those who wish to achieve and maintain abstinence. As one who originally joined the site from the former group, I can say that the dialogue i had with others from the latter group did make me consider moving into the latter. I am not ready to right now, but I acknowledge their wisdom. I just hope I can find as many helpful resources elsewhere when I am ready to transition into the latter group.

I will so many of the posters on the forum……too many to list, but you know who you are. You all helped me tremendously and I will miss the freindships I made there. My only regret is that i do not have any private emails from those folks

I find it terribly upsetting at the amount of hate being posted here. As others have said, we all choose our own paths…we make good choices and bad. And navigating thru those decissions is difficult and talking with others walking the same general direction is helpful. Regardless of those choices, it was great to have the forum to dicuss these choices with other who made the same ones….

I did not see the site as a cheerleading section for cheaters….I saw it as a sight where those of us that chose to take the path of infidelity could navigate that path. Whether that meant ending the affair or continuing.

I also find the hate being posted here upsetting. I find it hypocritical to shut down structured forums only to allow a thread like this to continue. Some of the posters who are against what this site became are just as damaging/damaged as the members who spent time here that you’ve cut off. At least in the forums there was room for discussion.
Close the site down completely Doc. Please.

I am truly disgusted by the comments posted by the betrayed spouses here. At no time did we, as members of the forum, degrade ourselves to this extent.

I was a regular poster. I couldn’t care less if someone reads my posts. I’m certainly not a cockroach scurrying for cover. I just don’t think it is right that having cut off our lifeline, that the site owner “decides” to keep them for possible future use.

An interesting fact – many years ago I had lunch with a female sex psychologist. She carried out a survey and the results showed that 99% of men cheat at some time in their lives when they travel on business. The whole world is cheating, and you know what? One time you might cheat too, then you’ll understand what all this is about. At the moment you are all clueless. Now why don’t you all spend your time more productively by putting some effort into your marriages rather than wasting your energy on here.

Well…I guess I’m a 1%’er. I was a corporate pilot for a decade. Never once, not in France, Costa Rica, the Caribbean or anywhere in the States did I cheat. If you’re disgusted by what someone who was betrayed says, imagine the tables turned.

Actually I believe this. We had a sales conference at my old job. We did a survey and out of 250 sales men, 247 of them admitting to cheating at some point in their lives. May have been a first wife, or the fiance, etc but it was almost unanimous across the board.

Doc,
Sorry the board has gone down.
I was a member for over 18 months, it was to me both a shoulder and a crutch.
It helped many of us through our A’s.
Not posted as much over the last few weeks, because I’m at peace in my A and now know where I and MM are heading for.
To all the posters from doc. cool I wish you all well and thanks for everything.

No offense kallie, I don’t know you or your circumstances. But since it was your post in which I noticed the repeated use of “…helped me THROUGH my affair…” and the use by other cheats of “…. supported me THROUGH the affair…”, I wonder if what you all mean is “….supported me IN my affair…”.

The use of “through” implies the affair ended, presumably because of the wise counsel provided by other cheats. Perhaps I’m wrong, but methinks your verbiage is another example of manipulation by hook or by crook.

I am also sorry that Pandora has been singled out and given so much stick from you, and to say you find her repulsive is just rude.

She has supported me more than anyone the last couple of weeks since I asked my H for a divorce and my mm has decided to stop communication.she spoke her mind and the forum was for advice and that is what she gave people honest advice.

The fact that pandora has a fan club just reinforces to me that I made the right decision. Misery loves company and birds of a feather flock together. She is heartless. If you can’t see that then you have no hope of ever seeing the light.

The painful truth is you’re like one of those lifelong criminals on their death bed who think that “finding Jesus” is going to make up for all their past sins. Oh no. You already made your bed. Can’t turn back now. We’ll remember you. You’ve been marked, and nothing you do is going to ever clean that stain from your soul you cheating piece of crap.

This little site will not define what I have done with my life. It is not my body of work. It certainly has not been my proudest moment but I think I will take a lot of lessons from this experience that will do me well.

I won’t attempt to defend myself from those that think my participation was abhorrent and that I don’t deserve anything less than scorn. Really, when you think about it, all you have to go on in judging my character is what you have seen here. So I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. I don’t think any other response from me would be worthwhile as I clearly won’t be able to change your mind.

Painful Truth,
I completely disagree. It is never too late to make a U turn in one’s life.. DC admin. decided to stand up for his morals and his principles. It is never too late to make a change for the better. Yes, truth is painful, but it can set you free too.
I was cheated on. It almost killed me when I found out the truth of what my spouse was doing. I was gaslighted, mindfucked, emotionally abused during the affair and after I discovered it. But you know what? I faced the truth. I looked myself in the mirror and realized I don’t deserve this. And the person I thought I married clearly did not have the same value system I had. And I came to the conclusion that that really was the truth of who my spouse is as a person. And I can’t change the person I married. I can control me. And I had to pick myself up off the floor. And I left. I have never experienced so much pain. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Our family was torn apart. But I know how I want to be treated. And my family should be treated. And being abused is not one of them. So I left. And I will never look back. I am stronger than I ever thought possible. We all are. Shit happens in life. Mistakes are made, yes. But there are consequences to your actions and you pay for them. Even the innocent people that had nothing to do with it. Ripple effect.
And so Painful Truth. DC Admin. finally came to the conclusion that having a site that supports behavior that hurts others, erodes marriages, demolishes families is not something he could do anymore. The con’s outweighed the pro’s of the site.
And though I am against cheating through and through and will take anyone to task that justifies it, humanity can make the choice to aspire to do good by our fellow men and women. To treat others with dignity and respect. It is never too late to change.
I applaud his decision to stand up for family. For the institution of marriage.
For standing up against abuse. And speaking the truth about the vileness cheating brings upon people and society. He might not be able to stop people from cheating, but one small act of showing principle and character can also have a ripple effect. Spread it to others and make the world a brighter place, a better place, a kinder place. We need it.

It’s too easy to judge the unfaithful partner. The infidelity could have been brought on by the spouse’s inability to provide intimacy, affection and/or lack of a sex life at all! Intimacy is hugely underestimated in some marriages and it is inevitable that the suffering partner will seek it elsewhere. Sometimes divorce would be a devastating financial option, esp. with young children. There may even be a handicapped child who you could not meet medical expenses by divorcing. I feel that stealing is understandable when someone is starving to death. I feel that killing is understandable and justifiable in self-defense. There are some people who see everything in black and white and who would not agree with me that stealing or killing are ever justifiable. That’s the way they see everything in life because they have never walked in someone else’s shoes or been in those type of situations. In life there are many shades of gray. No one owns you and if your spouse breaks the marriage contract by not fulfilling their side of the bargain, then that would break the marital contract. Just as if you had a business contract and someone didn’t fulfill their side of the deal. The contract is voided.

I can see your point. Just like the guy with a sick wife. There are probably legitimate reasons why people are not happy in their marriage but can’t leave either. But cheating is still not the answer. You can sit down with your spouse, tell him/her how you feel, why you can’t leave but you are going to get your needs met elsewhere. S/he can throw a fit all they want, but at least you are honest, you let them know where they stand, and you give them the OPTION to find their happiness somewhere else because it won’t be you. By lying, deceiving and cheating you take away their option to decide what they are going to do with their life. Do not underestimate someone’s strength. You may think you are doing your spouse a favor by lying. But you’ll never know. S/he may find a way to finance medical expense and the divorce…be there for their child, and move on with someone else. Or they may decide to stay in an open relationship, at least they make that decision with eyes wide open. Or they may lash out on you out of sheer pain. But do you think if you get caught, they won’t lash out on you? I bet it’ll be worse. One thing though…it takes a lot of courage to be honest. And that’s why many just cheat because it’s easier and many delude themselves thinking “as long as I don’t get caught.”

The “shades of Grey” mentality is certainly appealing right? It is a means of rationalization and bestows entitlement.

Where do the shades of grey blend from the shade that permits you to steal because you are hungry to the shade that allows you to steal because you think you will be hungry next week but are in the grocery store now? Where does the grey-scale transition from the one that allows you to kill in self-defense to the one where you can kill because you “felt sure” he had a gun and bad intentions?

These rationalizations are the very ones that allow otherwise good people to nod in approval as people such as Pol Pot, Robespierre, Stalin, and even Hitler to gain and sustain power. Shades of grey lead to NO BOUNDARIES whatsoever if you string out the rationalization to it’s logical conclusion.

One more thing, I have crossed the black/white line many times in my life. Thing is “I recognize and admit it – I own it – I will pay for it” . So, no – I’m not holier than thou – but I refuse to see and smell dogshit and call it a rose.

I had 2 affairs. I left my spouse because I no longer wanted to be married to him. I do truly wish I had left the marriage before engaging in the affair2. Yes, my ex-H did find out about them. He wanted to reconcile, I did not. I left.

I am now with my 2nd affair partner in a relationship that includes my kids, my parents, and all of his family. Ex-H knows him, and we are able to talk to each other and be civil.

Ex-H and I have worked through a lot. When I said to him “I am sorry, I ruined things for you, for us”, he said “No, we both had a part in it. I had responsibilities that I didn’t uphold. We both fucked up.” The ONLY person in the world, whose opinion I give the *slightest* fuck about, is ex-H. The relationship was between him and I, he is the one I hurt, he is the ONLY one that I care to have any forgiveness from. And I have received that. He is the ONLY one I owe remorse to, and I have felt that, and shown him. It was OUR relationship. I don’t give a rat’s ass what any other BS thinks or says. I owned my shit, I made amends to the person that mattered, and we are good.

As far as the site…eh, sites come and go. I will say, I am grateful for CA, more than anyone else on the site. His posts were what helped me when I finally sat down and told ex-H that it was over. That it was my choice- fix it, accept it, or leave. I decided to leave. I always agreed with him, and hoped that there was someone else whose was helped by his posts. If it helped me, I am sure it helped someone else.

I honestly don’t see why everyone is up in arms about the posts being there. They have always been there, accessible and readable by the entire world, literally. If you don’t want someone to know what you’re doing, don’t tell the entire internet. If you don’t want anyone figuring out it is you, then you should have been careful about what you post.

To be perfectly honest, my main reason for posting and reading the forums anymore is to remind myself where I was, and where I will never be again. I know most people think a relationship that starts as an affair will never last. Again, I don’t give a rat’s ass what anyone else thinks. Not one person on the internet that would judge me, knows me or my partner. They don’t know what we feel, how we communicate, or what we have decided is right for us.

I do feel bad for those that are cut off from their only source of help. Their only place to turn for support. But I am sure they will all be fine.

Doccool, I have always felt the forums were yours to do with as you saw fit. I own a few forums myself, (not just moderate-own and administer) so I think I always felt a little differently than most about how you ran things. It was YOURS to do with as you saw fit, and of course it still is. Keep it up, delete it, doesn’t matter to me. I will miss a few of the people on the board, but I have a full life outside of this forum as well.

Wanted to clarify-when I said EX-H was the only whose opinion I gave a fuck about, that was only in relation to my affairs. Of course I care what the rest of my family, and my current partner, think about me.

I just heard the forum closed. Well, I can see why. I am grateful to the board for much good advice. I managed to fix my M and thus I hadn’t been on the boards for a long time now. I met wonderful friends here and got good advice.

Thanks to KJ and CA and DC. Sure wish I coudl keep in contact with you.

Doccool,
After reading several of your recent posts on another site, I got the definite impression that you were having a crisis of conscience. Bravo for having the moral fortitude to stand up for your beliefs. I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but I think you should leave the posts up as a public service…for the BS. I am not here to judge all cheaters. Everyone has the right to live their life as they choose. However, I have an absolute right to judge MY cheater.

His selfish behavior caused the destruction of so many lives. It cost him his marriage, his sons’ respect, hurt our extended families, broke lifelong friendships, and ruined his reputation. I wasted almost two years of my life trying to fix my M, but truthfully, there is no coming back from this level of betrayal and treachery.

Then I found this forum. The cruelty and lack of remorse displayed by some (certainly not all) of the posters left me feeling sick. After reading some very disturbing posts that revealed the inner thoughts of some APs, I immediately knew what I had to do. I retained an attorney that very day and filed for divorce.

I finally knew why my H really cheated. It wasn’t depression, or childhood trauma, or a good old-fashioned midlife crisis. He was simply behaving like a narcissistic, selfish jerk who didn’t give a damn about the consequences. I applaud those who can repair their M after infidelity, but it’s a long-shot.

Now that H is going to be free, I asked him why he hasn’t resumed his relationship with OW. He looked at me in horror and said, “Why would I do that? She ruined my life.” OMG…first it was my fault, now it’s hers. She went from “soulmate” status to a piece of garbage in record time. Blame-shifting 101. Anyway, just a cautionary tale to the OWs out there.

Healthy now Posted: “Now that H is going to be free, I asked him why he hasn’t resumed his relationship with OW. He looked at me in horror and said, “Why would I do that? She ruined my life.” OMG…first it was my fault, now it’s hers. She went from “soulmate” status to a piece of garbage in record time. Blame-shifting 101. Anyway, just a cautionary tale to the OWs out there.”

Healthy now:

Blameshifting is almost always the byproduct of some type of personality disorder.

The best man at my wedding was my brother in law Bob. A good and gentle man. He married a few years after my own wedding to a gorgeous girl who he knew and loved since middle school. After 8 years of marriage and a beautiful daughter, my god-child, Bob took sick with heat issues.

He continued to work. His wife, unknown to him took up a work-place affair with a real scumbag – a HS acquaintance of Bob and his wife. The affair led to pregnancy with OM. When Bob questioned paternity – bc – he had been unable to perform to completion bc of meds she moved in with OM.

This literally killed Bob. She took his daughter to the OM home and lived with him until the baby – another daughter was born. Bob became depressed and didn’t take care of himself. Driving a snow plow and shoveling snow from driveways. On the evening of Jan 7 1995 Bob suffered a heart attack and died with a shovel in his hand and, literally, a broken heart. So, yeah it’s a black and white world.

His wife Linda was stoic and had the gall to show up at his wake – driven there by OM. She eventually separated from OM (we don’t know why and don’t care) and now lives by a large lake in the NE with the daughter collecting state aid. I hear daughter is a tweaker and stays out for days. Linda is beside herself and probably tweaks too – based on the “tweaker” look – the once gorgeous girl is missing teeth but without the smile and from far away still can draw a second look but not for long it appears. Blotchy face, dead-eye stare.

My god-daughter is a scholar at a state university attending on a scholarship provided by her grandfather’s union. Such a waste of life. And for what? She couldn’t wait for his heart to heal so she broke it for him.

Forgot to add: After reading DC letter yesterday I decided to post the story of my best man for Pandorabox’s amusement. She would have gotten a great laugh at my BIL’s tears the last time I saw him sitting on his back porch.

My wife is living in a trailer park, since the OM dropped like a sack of used banana peels.

She is not living there because she got nothing after the divorce. She got plenty.

She got half of everything we had and half of the sale of our house, and she got three years of alimony.

She is living in a trailer park because she can’t save or plan and just does whatever she wants when she wants to.

When we were married I took care of the finances.

The worst part is that I feel sad for her. It was such a waste. All for the thrill of the “new date feeling” that she claimed she missed and wanted.

I hear a lot of stories about women who leave their families for their affair partner, but then he doesn’t want her. If he does, he eventually cheats on her, or she wakes up one day and realizes the OM is a loser.

Some people have told their spouses that they intend to seek intimacy/affection outside the marriage due to their neglect or even that they have been unfaithful and would like to separate. My marriage has been sexless for years. I have told my husband that I am unhappy. I admitted being unfaithful hoping that would be the catalyst for him to take me seriously and work on changing. I am definitely no coward and “womaned-up.” I then told him that we need to divorce when we can afford to. I was met with a lot of anger. I was told that I’m going to hell, which I responded with that I didn’t know he was in charge of making that decision. I have been told that he would go to jail before paying alimony. I was met with passive-aggressive behavior.

Most times the neglectful spouse is perfectly satisfied with the way things are when you know it is time to move on, Sometimes it takes years to afford a divorce or to even get one finalized. I feel it’s unfair for a neglectful spouse to be in control of your sex life. After all you promised monogamy not celibacy. They certainly aren’t upholding their end of the deal and are not honoring or cherishing you.

I agree that the majority of those who cheat are not honest with their spouse about anything and usually don’t have an understandable reason for cheating, especially most men. I’ve talked to quite a few married men and looked at their profiles. The vast majority don’t want a divorce, say they are not leaving their situation, and have no plans or desire to ever leave. They just want to cheat without getting caught because they supposedly aren’t getting enough sex at home. They still get sex but just not enough, which is totally different from being in a sexless marriage, making your unhappiness known to your spouse, and biding your time until you can leave.

I never viewed the forums as a place for me to learn better affair tricks exactly, other than to ‘hack’ my general relationship skills. In fact, if you forget it’s about affairs for a moment, much of the insight posted was very applicable to healthy or wavering marriages and other kinds of partnerships.

I was thankful for a place to have a conversation about a relationship that was unconventional, nay one that was incomprehensible even to other people who have had affairs. Many members helped me in ways too numerous to count and in general broadened my understanding of every sort of relationship out there. Also, it was nice to take what I had to learn ‘fast’ regarding red flags and be in a position to give sound advice to members who were in the throes of a truly terrible time.

There are a fair amount of people I respect the minds of who are forum members and I don’t know if we’ll ever get lucky enough to cross paths again. Just know you’ve been rather instrumental in keeping my wits about me and that the wisdom you have shared will not be forgotten. Tireless moderators, the respect for you all ran deep.

Doc, I’m afraid my blog post in particular made things unpalatable around here. I was honored to contribute the content despite the lambasting you (and I and just about anyone within firing range) received. We did expect it, though. Can’t say we didn’t expect it. Whatever your next venture, hopefully it’ll be less an unsteady balance of the conscience pendulum.

I’m “late to the party”, too. But as an occasional poster and regular reader, I wanted to add my thanks for the support and wisdom I found at doc cool’s forums. I am worki g through this part of my life and I will miss the viewpoints and stories of people who did it before me, or are traveling the same road.
Thanks, Doc, for your hospitality. To all those who became the community, safe travels til we meet again

What a shame about the forum shutting down. It was the most interesting discussion board about relationships. It shed fascinating light on one of the last taboos and raised pertinent questions about the concept (cult?) of marriage. There were some awesome posts on about love, marriage, affairs and a whole lot more. Latterly, there were some great debates and discussions about the role of marriage, whether an affair was better/worse than divorce and so on. And don’t forget, Morality Brigade, that forgiveness is a virtue.

It also illustrated – uncomfortably for some, so it seems, that love and marriage do not necessarily go together like a horse and carriage. T’was ever thus, but some people can’t stop believing in the fairy tales.

You could turn around the whole debate about how cheaters have a sense of entitlement and ask why the betrayed spouse has a sense of entitlement that his/her partner will never again take a romantic or sexual interest in anyone ever again. Yes, even an ‘emotional’ affair is, apparently, a terrible betrayal, as though a person can control emotions in the same way as turning off a car engine!

It is extraordinarily arrogant to take a self-righteous and moralistic stance about one’s partner’s right to have emotions.. I have never assumed that my partner would necessarily be physically/emotionally faithful – it is a choice taken, and I am grateful for it, but I do not assume it or try to enforce it – that would be guaranteed to send a person running into the arms of someone with less of a sense of entitlement and less need to control.

Have a look around the internet and find some stories of people who have forgiven their partners following betrayal. Their stories are enlightening, uplifting – a thousand times more enriching than the bitter and twisted ‘betrayed spouse’ victim stories. Those angy and bitter people who would rather spend the rest of their lives bashing their errant partner over the head than concentrating on other things. Very me, me me – but I suppose the self-pity of ‘victim’ mode is quite addictive.

Some of the comments on here about ‘just leaving’ a marriage are more than a little naive. As if ‘just leaving’ a marriage because you want to have sex with someone else will not also cause pain and upset. Not to mention not having worked through all the issues that lead to the breakdown of the relationship – making it highly likely that those issues will resurface in the next relationship.

Confliced posts are confusing. He seems to say that no good can come out of an affair (as if he can speak for the entire population) yet he implies that his marriage was unhappy and he has found the love of his life. There is so much contradiction there I find it difficult to take what he is saying seriously.

Maybe what he is trying to say is he wishes he had left the marriage first before having sex with his current partner. That may well be true, but he can hardly go around bashing other people over the head for chosing the same path that he himself did. Doesn’t make sense.

I think what really riles people about the type of forum that Drcool was offering was that it challenges people’s perceptions about marriage, love, relationships and all the rest of it. And that is uncomfortable. So much easier stay in the fantasy of the Disney ‘married and lived happy ever after’ movie.

While I am saddened to see the forum closed, I never realized that the site was intended as a safe haven for cheaters. Its a public internet forum is it not? Anybdoy, at any time, for any reason could come and read, so this is no different. Posts were never deleted before either. BS were welcomed to post here just as much as anybody else.

Thanks Doccol….I’d only recently found this site and mainly just lurked. I’m not proud of having an affair and was looking for some place see if others were in the same boat. I’ve felt so bad that I’ve been able, with the help of lurking on the board, to discuss things with my H who has allowed me a hall pass.

I wish it never came to that – I was a damn good wife and always available to him but he’s never been interested in sex and acknowledges he isn’t built that way. I kept hoping he was gay – THAT I could deal with, but over the years, I’ve just come to believe there are people who are just not sexual. I didn’t get married to stop having sex and after 20 years, I was at the breaking point of leave a good man or get my needs met elsewhere. Oddly, when it’s a reverse situation, many in society feel that is acceptable but when it’s a woman who isn’t being fulfilled, oh that’s different.

I believe there are all kinds of reasons why people stray. My neighbor was married to the typical self centered playboy who constantly cheated on her and threw it in her face. I hate to be lumped in with him but I realize many people view relationships in black and white only.

Personally I think you should just ….disable to board completely. I am kind of wondering why you did it the way you did – it continues to foster intense feelings on both sides. If it was me, I would have just taken it down completely and let everyone deal with it being gone privately.

Bummer. This was an interesting site full of mostly sad people trying to find a way through a difficult situation. That was me, for sure, and having a place to vent was hugely helpful. I don’t remember a lot of gleeful cheaters, but any internet community is going to have ugly people.

Wanted to say that my time here was very helpful to me as my A turned into an LTR while we both got Ds from terrible people.

We have been officially together for 9 months now, have met each other’s parents, and I’m basically out to her folks and MY folks suspect, heh. We’re going to try to get down the road a little more just to put some time between our coming out and our official D dates.

Sorry Doc, you were the Crack Dealer aka Pimp in this whole affair. Now you are all self righteous, that alone should make you not able to look in the mirror, an Old Crack Dealer Cash Pimp Hound, who all of a sudden places himself on a pedestal (rather narcissistic) and places blame on the buyers. The Dealers get the biggest shaft and longest jail terms btw:)……good job at being a hypocritical loser.

Well this is surprising! Honestly I could care less either way as I had stopped coming to the site very often. Just wanted to say farewell and all the best to everyone. There were some good people on the forum.

Good luck to everyone.

Oh, one more thing…the higher you sit on your horse, the further the fall.

I guess the fighting here illustrates that the “new site” would not have gone so well. There two groups cannot co-exist and seek to learn anything from one another. The emotions are too high. It’s a shame really because if you abstract yourself from our own experiences it would be a great opportunity to explain the motives for an affair and the hurt it causes. It could actually be a means end such things as I see pain on both ends. If you read the forum (excluding the arrogant cake eating, remorseless posters) you’d find an overwhelming majority that aren’t particularly happy – their affairs did not lead to some blissful life at the expense of their BS. The decision to have an affair is none the less. I’d venture to say the majority of affairs are in marriages that are irreparable and should no longer exist. Many times it is not cake eating that keeps someone in a marriage it is just lack of courage.

I cannot represent the masses, but I know my marriage was dead when I had an affair. We are divorced now and we are both much better off – happier. Yes, I had a relationship prior to ending the marriage. Shame on me. I was scared. I was afraid.

Will I burn in damnation for eternity – I think not. I am not an evil person. I sinned. I sinned before and I will sin again. I believe the Bible acknowledges we are born to sin. None of us ‘earn’ our way to heaven through our behavior. We earn our way through the acceptance of Christ as our lord and savior. I think every Christian should understand that. I am not being a Bible beater here, I’m just sharing the simple tenants of the faith. To that extent, I think the judgmental condemnation is very un-Christian.

In any event, affairs suck. In time all involved will come to that conclusion. I don’t believe it means every person involved in one is evil. I suspect the majority will dispel the myth that “once a cheater – always a cheater”. Many of us (minimally ME) would never engage in one AGAIN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. We make mistake, we live, we learn. I don’t believe myself the first to take a less courageous path ignorant of the consequences. And yes, I do regret, greatly. I have also made my peace, as has my ex, my family and my friends. I do not harbor ill will towards my ex for her failing, nor does she to me – we would only burden ourselves to do so and life is too short to carry that around.

I’m sorry the board is closed, sorry the lost “cheaters” can’t use the forum to help find their way to honest happiness. I am equally NOT sorry that the arrogant and narcissistic lost a home to brag about their exploits with total disregard and lack of guilt to the BS. I found them to be a highly annoying minority – but I recognize my opinion means little….as it should.

Thanks to all that helped me. Thanks to any that I helped. I am happy to have my life sorted out. I am regretful to start a new relationship before ending the prior – but that does not define me or my life. I am happy to be happy, to live honestly, to be genuine – I hope to maintain these traits for the balance of my life – the only portion of it I can still control.

Doc Cool,
I spent about a week at your site while it was still up and before the change. I hope you remember me. I think you did the right thing. Even if you were the so-called “pimp”, “crack dealer” or the enabler of others to get together, you can still seek redemption. I saw you are not religious, but everyone deserves a chance at forgiveness if they want to make up for past wrongs or have a change of heart. Don’t listen to anyone calling you a hypocrite. Remember the only difference between a moral person and an immoral person is the former will make mistakes, feels regret and will want to make up for their mistakes. The latter does not care if he/she is hurting people and will do their best to hold moral people to impossible standards.

Doc Cool, just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are closing the Forum, but I respect your decision. It has been an invaluable site for me, whilst I was in my affair (Im a single woman, he was married) and for the eight months afterwards when he ended it, and I couldnt even begin to put my life back together. I found comfort, advice and hell, even a few giggles along the way, Im happy to say that I am moving on now, having found some inner strength.. the one extremely valuable lesson I personally have learnt throughout the whole 18 months that I was entangled (both physically and emotionally) with ex MM is that having an affair is something I will never never EVER do again… I am now at a point in my life where I know what it is i dont desire in a relationship (heartbreak, pain, turmoil etc), and it has given me good ground to know what I do desire, and I feel the Forum has helped me tremendously in doing that. It has helped me in my own healing. So I thank Doc Cool and all the Forumites for everything and wish each and everyone, all the very best.
Cheers, Moongoddess39 xx

Im a little confused, and more than a bit relieved that I never shared to much on here…at this point, am I alone in feeling a bit set up? However this site got started, it has been clear for some time that most of us were here, sharing, complaining, being happy ,whatever we felt that day (or hour) for one reason. 99% of us are ingaged in one way or another in an affair. You have ever right to shut down, but Im not understanding why we are all being judged so harshly now?? We are all just people, imperfect for sure..but just people, who sought out others to talk to, thats all..I am not making excuses for us, I dont think any of us feel the need to be “forgivin” by strangers..Im just not understanding the harshness used now? I know to take it to heart is a bit juvinile, but regardless of what is being said, having a A does not make me not human..I came her to chat, and laugh, and whatever..but I now believe this was set up all along…let it go for a while, then completely let us all have it, for the people we are the things we do..We did nothing to any of you who are being so mean now. The forum was here..so we used it?? If we so offended you in doing so, then I for one do say Im sorry for that..I assumed I was using it correctly…I sure never thought I would end up being called such awful, hatefull things..again, Im so confused by this-

I have to tell you. Reading this forum for about 9 months convinced me NOT to have an affair. It’s brutal honesty really does show a thinking person how inane it is to presume that this is a way out of existing in reality. So, I was converted by reading the ups and downs of these “cheaters”. I have a lot of sympathy for them, as one can plainly see by reading their stories how useless this path is in gaining authenticity and long term fulfillment in their lives.

Before my affair i felt suicidal staying in a marriage for the sake of my children, extended family and everyone else but me. I have no ‘easy way out’ without ruining lives. I am having an affair and i am happy, i am proud, i have found MY solution, for once in MY life i thought about me and put myself first!
I love this Board, hoping to find another forum out there, bound to be one, so will see everyone there.

I understand your rationale but personally I think its a mistake to shut it down and I think you are looking at it strictly from the negative view point. I am not married, never have been. The reason I came to the site is well documented. But I found that it was a useful tool for people that were struggling with their relationships, were struggling with a cheating spouse etc etc. I think it provided a good useful service. Just like anything there will always be abusers. That is not your fault.

By you having the site also does not make you synonymous with the people that are cheating. Its like you are a counselor. I mean a wedding counselor is not responsible for the 2 married people having an affair or whatever he is just there to counsel them, same type of service you were providing. The people that said the mean things to you are misguided and were just shooting the messenger. You are not to blame. But I understand your feelings. Maybe you should just sell it to someone. I would think you could get some good cash for it then walk away.

I never posted, this is the very first time and probably also the last. I want you to know that for me this forum had its bad and good, not only bad (like most things in life).

I was in an affair which lasted 8 months, when it started I felt so helpless I thought of ending it with my ex AP every week, until I found this site, which made the whole A thing seems Okay helped me justify my A. I was happy to find people in similar situations it reduced my guilt and since then I went into a stage which I thought was peace with my A (which never really existed actually, there is no peace in A), this way this forum was bad for me.

But more importantly I want you to know why this forum was good for me, it helped me see the likely outcome of an A, hurting everyone not only the two involved, the inevitable ending of an A, heartbreaks that comes with it, it was a wake up call for me when I read others’ story and see myself in them, I was a person against my principles; two months ago it finally helped me ended my A before too much damages were done, and some of the posts helped me get through the heartbreaks, which is why I still visit this forum occasionally, when I miss my ex AP it puts senses back in my head.

I have learnt a big lesson, never to get involve in an A again I don’t want that kind of life again. i have my peace now, I must thank you. I hope you won’t think of this forum only as a monster you created, it also did its good. Just as how I think of my A now, it was a bad irresponsible choice i made but the good that came out was the lessons learnt. I respect your decision to close the forum I wish you all the best!

also thanks all for the posts, all of those who helped me without ever finding out, I am grateful.

Wow. After you just upgraded everything too I’m not having an affair but loved lurking here. It was really interesting. I find it odd that it got to you that much, that the nature of this forum is tied to your sense of self? Silly…

It might be silly to you, but yes, my sense of self has been impacted by my involvement in this site. Call it a “come to Jesus” moment or whatever, the bottom line is that I’m just not comfortable with this anymore. It really is that simple.

The other thing you must take into consideration Doccool Administrator, is that some of these “horror” stories that have upset you may not even be true. People make stuff up. People try to get attention, heck some people are just testing out their fiction writing on a public message board to see if it generates any interest. So to trash a life’s work because of a few hateful or crazy mean things that have been said or described is kind of like going, oh man, I found out Santa Clause doesn’t exist so I’m not going to celebrate Christmas anymore.

First off, this is NOT my life’s work………… Secondly, to suggest that the outpouring on this board is for the most part fiction is wishful thinking. Perhaps there is the odd post that has been exaggerated or made up but for the most part, I believe that the vast majority of the posts on this board are the truth. The truth of liars and betrayers, but the truth nonetheless.

To the Betrayed spouses – You are nothing but egoistical marraige prostitutes who love to hate woman who can feel real passion and love for a man. If you think about it, we did not need extravagant vacations and big houses with your husband..we just appreciated being in his company without the need of being “paid” to share a marital bed, You are married to money, convenience and familiarity and love to have a “husband” as an accessory. Unfortunetly the husband stays with you because u manipulated him and took away his balls along those years of marraige where along the way you even had a kid or 2 as an investment to your “business” You are nothing but low lives in your own way, whores that think ur vagina is made of gold and how he “owes’ u something for warming up the couch while he is at work working hard for “your” money. Losers you are, u and the husbands whose balls you stripped off so he stays with u.

face it – your kind is why your hsuband cheated on you – needy, princessy, and usually lazy. He deserves better and he got it. He’ll cherish the memories for ever

Lol! Thanks for the laugh love (and war)! As an OW you really have no idea what goes on in “your” married man’s marital home. Newsflash: He is lying to you about how “bad” his marriage is. When he is home with his wife?? Guess what he is doing??? He is havis sex with his sexy wife!! He is cheating on YOU with his WIFE! The irony!!!
Sorry, but betrayed wives are not lazy, gold diggers. Ignorant stereotyping on your part, love and war. Most often, they hold down a full time job, raise the kids, keep up the house, all while the cake eater uses you for his lunch f*ck and goes home for a second round with his wifey.
As the bottom feeder you are, you have no idea what the cake eating husbands act like in their own home or how the wife/husband dynamic is. What I can tell you is that you clearly take a liar, cheat, and thief at his word. Pretty short sighted since he is also lying to you as well. Never trust a liar and cheat.

I was on the forums myself and they helped me to sort through my marital issues. I am grateful for them. I am also grateful that the moderator won’t be selling them. However.

I find it hard to believe that this was anything more than a business decision, and the moderator would have found it hard to make this a “betrayed” site without a confessional about how wrong he was and how he “saw the light”. I think it’s more likely that he saw the betrayed boards making money charging for access and realized he had a goldmine on his hands if he could turn it around. I don’t think he would make the decision to close the boards based on one whiny, petulant member unless he is waaay more sensitive than most of us are past age 7.

He has, at least, promised not to sell our information to the highest bidder and again, I’m grateful for that. But before you bash him for this post, sit back and think of what you would have done if it was a business decision. Then remember that this is the Internet and nothing is as it appears. No insult meant to Doc Cool, just offering an alternate theory for why this is going the way it is. There is a lot more money to be made from emotionally scarred betrayed spouses than there is money to be made from us narcissistic types who are having our cake and eating it too. We don’t buy tips for investigating our spouses. We don’t buy e-books on how to conduct an affair, because we know it’s wrong in the first place and there is no systemic way to do it anyway. We don’t buy books on healing and mending a marriage; but betrayed spouses do, by the armload.

Not only do the adulterers not buy anything (think secrecy, inability to spend without arousing suspicion) but they also have this sense of entitlement where they think that the world revolves around them and that we (us) are there to serve them and should jump at their beck and call whenever they aren’t happy with a situation that they are uncomfortable with. Not all, but for the most part the membership of this site showed a selfishness and disregard that bordered on pathological. Again, not all, but a good portion of the people using this site couldn’t give a flying fox fart about anyone or anything except themselves and their own situation. I can count on two hands the members that were actually able to see beyond their own noses. On one hand I could count those that I felt were truly decent people. Hurt, damaged and lost, but they were good people. The rest? The worst that our society breeds. They are fraudulent as a part of their daily existence. How can you stand up for that?

I have no immediate plans for this site, I’m enjoying not having to participate in the shit that it was. i will be taking a break. Having said that, if in the future there is a way to monetize the content while at the same time helping those that were betrayed, I will certainly not lose a wink of sleep in the process.

Why would you give everyone a nice place to meet and talk about our issues then close the site once it is going strong? What a selfish, self centered decision that was. Now you make everyone that was friends disperse and have no chance of keeping in touch with others.

It’s very disappointing you would do something like that after we helped make the forum what it was. We HELPED YOU make money from the website from advertising and such.

I was a member on this board for a very short period of time….at the time I was discovered in an affair. I’m not at all proud of myself for the choice I made. However, this board did help me get through a very difficult time, and I’m thankful for it. It didn’t help me in the way others may think (by commiserating with people in a similar situations) NO! It helped me by reading the stories of others and realizing almost every affair begins and ends the same way. It was just a sad read of story after story of hurt. I joined the board and would private message others encouraging them to get out of their situations. Discovering that my affair was exactly the same as others (same words used, same M.O., same manipulation), reality truly smacked me in the face. It made it easier to move on and rebuild my life and my marriage. We are in such a better place now. Thank you for the having this board up when I needed it, if anything it helped me realize how blessed I truly am.

As a former OW this site really helped me in deciding to end my affair. Doc good luck to you and don’t let the negative comments bring you down. Do what is best for you, you are not required to please anyone, but yourself

There is no need for Doc to out anyone. Believe me those that cheat will eventually get caught. They always do.

No one is “safe” on any site. When you post on the internet, on a forum that is open, you are out there, whether you think so or not.

I am angelgirl who used to post frequently on this site for a while in 2010-2011, from memory.

Please, please do not close down the site. I have lots of things to say, given that I was once a regular poster on this site and I read stuff that I didn’t want to hear. I was ultimately chased off by a guy who posted incendiary photos of me.

I came on here because again, I am struggling with obsession over a single guy I had an affair with and who treated me horribly and I just realised now that I am just continuing the pain. Yes, all I needed to do was to read the words above and feel that something has shifted in me.

The fantastic thing is that you could read from so many points of view on this site….in all stages, it was like watching a fertile field in which some people flourished, some were dying, some were reborn and others were struggling to live, others were struggling to revitalise the dead. It was and still IS, fantastic to see this.

THis site even in closed form represents a GREAT LEARNING OPPORTUNITY.

But you know what? I have found coming here a reality check – a dose of sanity. Yes, I have screamed righteous indignation for being shat and mind-fucked again!
Yes, I have acted out, despite being in recovery, attending 12-step meetings and being so distraught with grief over the death of a parent and terminal illness of my another relative that when that started to lift, and I struggled to find a way to cope and so I went back to the usual adult sites and even seriously considered meeting men on F_Buddy and AM.

I didn’t like the advice I was given…I was told “you can’t handle having an affair”, because I would fall in love with the person. I have ranted and raved on a blog, I have dealt with a woman who I was co-dependent on and who enabled my love addiction. I have been through hell and back and still going through it in this post-appocalyptic world of having lost my parent.

But you know what? Yes, you have taken your responsibility for enabling the affairs, for marketing cheating sites, but you it was still the person’s CHOICE as to whether to engage. It was still the person’s choice to drop their undies for the man and for the man to penetrate the woman, or whomever!

My opinion is that we can be stuck in seeing the bad in something bad, or see the bad in something good. Yes, sites like AM and this site may facilitate adultery, they may speed it up, or they may actually act as a BUFFER. In chemical terms, a buffer is a substance that mops up an excess of acidity or alkalinity and restores the balance.

For me, I have the opportunity and I play with it in a virtual world and by the Grace of My Higher Power, I choose to say NO. People can read that it is like here, they can see the whole path from the enticement, the intrigue, the guilt, the heady emotions, the gut-wrenching pain they go through when they contemplate an affair and actually carry it out. Others do so with a sense of entitlement. Then there is the aftermath, the betrayal, the hurt, the sense of having feeling what it is like to be the person who is betrayed. All these sorts of emotions are set out here and there is relief, there is wisdom gained here.

Please do not deprive us of the wisdom. The messiness is set out for all of us here. It is better than reading a book which has been carefully edited and scripted for publication. The nature of this site is that it reflects what really happens in affairs, not something that has been proof-read and made ready for publication. This site is better than reading an academic publication. This site is better than reading a pro-marriage site which has a religious philosophy to promote.

I would even hazard to say that the support on here would equal or even rival that you would get from a therapist and certainly alot cheaper and maybe even more honest!!

In fact, I feel *SO* passionately about this, that I will do what it takes to ensure this site is not taken down in read format, even it it means applying some kind of pattern or analysis to the site. It is important that the stories are told, it is important that the criticism and comments of the people who are here as affair participants, angry betrayed spouses are all told.

This site is a wonderful example of real life, it represents a wealth of information about REAL LIFE HUMAN experience, warts and all and the great thing about it is that it is recorded in REAL TIME. We get to see all this progression in chronological terms as it is happening, which is a key to understanding. I know there are other forums in which people having affairs can be supported, shamed, but this site is unique in its concentration, which means more of the real picture is FILLED IN.

If there is anything to be gained from it, perhaps the stories could be turned into an interview type book and it be published to help people see what the reality of modern affairs are like from so many angles. If not that, at least the site could be re-worked, re-worded in some way, such as being titled Affair Recovery Site.

From a psychological perspective, I see people like myself here..people who are Sex and Love Addicts, people who are co-dependent, survivors of abuse, people with personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder (I have suffered from this), narcisssistic-type personalities, it would be a great loss not to have these experiences serve as a learning experience for so many people.

Well I was stopping by and was surprised to see the site closed. One thing I will never do again is conduct an affair. It took a toll on my health and my stress level was off the charts. Probably one of the worst decisions I have ever made. It did lead me to my new partner though, and now my first born child and I am the happiest I have ever been after divorce. However, I should have separated and divorced before getting involved with someone else.

I was a relatively new member before this site shut down. When I found the site, I was at the beginning of my first “affair.” I put affair in quotes because my H knew about it and actually was willing to let me carry on in a don’t ask, don’t tell kind of way. Strange I know. Interestingly enough, I was still very conflicted and have to say the forum really helped me in giving me insight into what I was getting into. Changed and Conflicted Affair, your posts really opened my eyes. CA, I think your motto was fix your marriage or get out. I am happy to say that I never engaged in an actual physical affair, though I still call it an affair as the desire was there, and am in the process of ending my marriage. I just signed a lease today for my own place. I just wish I could benefit from your advice and support as I go through this trying time.

I agree with many that the site was really useful for gaining insight during difficult times and more often than not helping you see someone else’s perspective before acting on impulse. Social psychology is fascinating and I think this site was a positive thing in people’s lives. For everyone else they didn’t need to read it if they didn’t want to… What a shame it wont be around anymore

A little sorry to know the forums are closed. I haven’t been there for some time as the quality of the discussions was taking a nosedive and the sincere and wise members were disappearing. Posts like the one described by DC are despicable. There were members with real emotional struggles and I learned that sometimes people with good hearts … Have affairs. And you never know what is in someone’s heart, mind or real life struggles. But people bragging about their escapades and defiling their spouses on the forum are despicable and I’m sorry that it they killed it.

I wanted to applaud you on your actions to redirect the negative bullshit this site supported and propogated in the past! Also for having the balls to post the reason for your actions. Your words made a huge difference for me.