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That’s my baby girl! Told you she was 6 times worse than my son! Smart and vitriolic little 11 year old (sorry I forgot your birthday, honey) bitch she is, isn’t she? Well well well, it appears the gloves are off then, aren’t they, Darla? I especially enjoyed your prodigious use of this new word “fucktard.” That’s something the kids are saying these days, I suppose? I must say, Darla, for all your obvious potential as a writer, especially given your age, you actually appear to have a bright future in a career far more base than that of stripper/whore: Search Engine Optimization writer. The keyword density on “fucktard” up there leads me to believe that you’re starting a new line of clothing called “Fucktard” or something, and that perhaps you’re trying to plug it on Daddy’s site? Hm?

You know what, Darla? I’m not going to stoop to your little level of immaturity…

I’m actually going to tunnel down beneath it, pop up in your bedroom when you’re sleeping, and fucking end you, sweetie.

First of all, who’s the “fucktard?” here? You chided me for having criticized your older brother’s spelling and grammar in the letter he sent me a few weeks ago, and then immediately went on to make a grammatical error yourself.

“You have no right to judge Connor’s grammar or spelling, because your a total loser deadbeat fucktard.”

No I’m the one who knows that your is a possessive pronoun. You’re the little girl-imbecile who was trying to use the contraction, “you’re,” for “you are,” as in “you are quite the precocious, yet fatuous little loser-baby (term coined by Corinne Maier) who clearly has some serious Daddy issues she needs to work out.” You’re obviously a fucking mental case, Darla, and I suggest you ask Mom about seeing a psychiatrist. I don’t know where I went wrong in raising you, but I see now that you are nothing more than a ticking time bomb of absolute failure, disgrace, and abject disappoint who will, one day soon, ingloriously and magnificently explode across the night sky that is life, like the grand finale of a spectacularly whorish fireworks display.

There is a tear quivering precariously in my eye, right now, Darla. You’ve made your father cry.

Now, concerning the fact that you’ve begun menstruating. I have no idea why you’ve begun menstruating at the age of 11. I’ve heard that girls have been getting their periods earlier and earlier these days, but I didn’t realize it could come this early. At any rate, your bringing up of your first period has made Daddy uncomfortable, sweetie, and unsure of what to say, so let’s just chalk it up to you being a freak of nature. Because you obviously are.

In regards to your little low blow about my education (or lack thereof), I did, in fact, attain my high school diploma equivalency, for your shitty little information. And nice try on attempting to “pull the curtain up” on Daddy’s lack of Advice Columnist Certification. I studied under Dr. Gerhard Gritzleshcleiben for nearly 1 whole year, which means far more than some piece of paper that anyone can easily buy from any number of shady advice columnist certificate mills that are out there. You’re a vicious little harpy, princess. But you know that, don’t you?

And speaking of questions, since you challenged the Question Master to answer your Best 5, let’s rock and roll:

“Lets see if you can answer those questions, loser. I fucking hate you.

Question #1: How do you feel about the fact that I’m going to start fucking soon?”

Just try to use protection when possible, sweetie. If you start soon, there are condoms marketed to 14 year olds now, such as the Ceylor Hotshot Condom (and no, Darla and readers, I’m not trying to sell children’s condoms on this blog….yet. It’s a link to the news story). But being that you’re only 11, I’d recommend that you do, in fact, start out with an older boy, say, 14, one who will likely be more capable of properly using a condom.

“Question #2: Are you ready to be an absentee grandpa? Because I have made it my life mission to make you one just to haunt your dreams.”

I’m fairly confident that you won’t manage to get yourself pregnant before the age of 13, pumpkin. Within the next 2 years I plan to be well south of the border, somewhere, in my never-ending quest to flee you, Connor and Mom, and to successfully cut off all contact with the lot of you. So my question for you is: if someone becomes a grandpa, and they never even find out, are they really a grandpa?

“Question #3: After I have a kid, I am purposely going to date shitty boys all because of you. My #1 goal in life is to find a boy who is also a hitman, so I can use my pussy as ransom to have you murdered. Does this scare you?”

Please don’t refer to your vagina as your “pussy,” honey. That is extremely uncouth, young lady, and I will be telling your mother about this.

“Question #4: Do you still go to strip clubs all the time? Because if I don’t succeed w/ my 1st goal, then my 2nd goal would be to have it so you walk into a strip club someday and pay for a lapdance from a stripper and then it turns out to be me, just to really fuck with your head.”

Yes, I do still go to strip clubs when I can scrounge up a few extra bucks. And again, a question for you: if a man never knows that the pretty young stripper on his lap is actually his daughter, is it really his daughter?

OK, so I guess it would still be his daughter. That was a stupid riddle, and I do acknowledge that. But please don’t do that to Daddy, OK, sweetie?

“Question #5: I’m not even sure that what ur doing to us with ur blog is even legal, but in case it ever gets popular for some fucktarded reason, Mom told me all about Gloria Allred today. Does THAT scare you?”

So you got me on 1/5. Gloria Allred does scare Daddy. So fine, that one goes to you.

So the official tally: Darla: 1. Daddy: 4. Looks like I opened up a can of tooshie-whoop all over your little skank ass, didn’t I, poopsiekins? Please come back and try again.

Love,

Daddy

P.S.- Bring that edgy ex-stripper Mom Blog you have planned right the fuck on. You say you’re hoping to be like “Cody Diablo.” Well, I doubt you’ll succeed, since you failed to even do the basic Google search that would have made you realize that her non de plume is actually”Diablo Cody,” not “Cody Diablo.” Idiot. But even if you do succeed, Daddy will fucking digitally eviscerate you, Boo Bear. This he vows.