I've had my ass handed to me here and there as I've gone along, and this is how I've been trying to get back up, the best that I can.

friendships

-I don’t want to. I don’t want to be the person who has to work hard. I don’t want to be the person who is called ‘brave’.. I want to have a normal life where I don’t have to be, where I’ve never had to be. Being called ‘brave’… just the undercurrent of that seems to be ‘I can see your life sucks hardcore, I’m glad it’s not me!’-

The ‘car’ is in the shop, I’m working so hard on it. I wish someone would look my way and take me for what I am, and what I’m trying to be.

I grew up with no boundaries. None. Not in a close knit family hug everyone way, but one in that they were so run over I didn’t know what they even were or that I was allowed to have them. I’m trying to learn that now. Further, I’m trying to learn what other people’s boundaries are. I’ve spent so long just careening everywhere, I didn’t know when or if I was crossing other peoples’. I try now, to listen really hard and straight lace myself. To not fuck it up.

See?

I grew up where, at school, no boundaries. I ate alone. At home it was loud too, the last wheel at the kitchen table every night. Not even my room was safe. I was told that basically, it was my parent’s house, I was just living in it. If my room got too dirty, dad had no problem going in and cleaning it to his standards. If one of my belongings didn’t match my mom’s standards, she gave it away.

I don’t know the etiquette of social media, either. (oh hey! This counts, right?) I want to have somewhat of a life online too, because in real life it always seems like I can’t do it. But I don’t know how to start.

Following old friends on facebook, for example. If they post interesting things, I want to say something, and contribute, even though I know that logically it’s a very, very bad idea. Not because they say mean things back. In fact most of the time they say nothing, and my contributions are dead air. It hurts to go onto the ‘acquaintances’ tab on facebook, because there’s the whole scroll, of what I’ve lost. So what can I post, and where, do you think?

I’ve been well enough to be able to hear my body, lately, to be awake enough to feel like I’m absorbing the experiences of life a little more, and thus more able to respond to it.

So, I thought it’d be a good idea to do something about being lonely.

That kind of lonely.

I ‘went walking’ with a couple of people, casually, but there was dishonesty abound.

All of my ‘walking’ experiences have been horrible, few as they’ve been. I know I shouldn’t have done it, because of how awful my past record in that department has been, but I thought this time would be different. But alas, the definition of insanity.

I’ve been hollowed out and morose since then, been doing stupid things that my body doesn’t like. I feel used and lied to.

I wish I knew of a way that wasn’t skeevy online that would work for me.

But the friend department is mostly empty, so is the family one. And I’ve been thinking on those, that those should be steady and have something in them first, right? And for so long they haven’t. And yet still, as they haven’t, so then I haven’t even considered the romantical basket.

I am too skittish, I think, for something more traditional like marriage. I don’t know what I’d do with myself in a relationship (no, I’ve never had one). There was this movie on a courtesan and this nobleman and they were in love but couldn’t marry, he already was, class, all that, so it was a long term thing with them.