Yin and Yang

Since posting my “Something that makes you sad” picture earlier today, I’ve thought a lot about how it is that I really feel. It is true that I do feel sad a lot, but for the most part I don’t let it overtake me as I have in the past. I think there is a lot to be said about not feeling as sad as I used to.

To be honest, I am actually pretty happy with who I have become so far. I think a part of me will always be sad but I’m not sure that is abnormal. Life doesn’t always work out how we imagine it should, but what I understand now is that wallowing in disappointments isn’t going to change a thing. I used to feed into my sadness. Harp on it. Dwell in it. Let it consume me and allow it to grow. Ultimately I let my emotional pain hold me back. It felt safe.

I’ve dealt with a lot of losses in the past year. Many decisions I have put off making for years were suddenly made for me. While they weren’t fun to experience, I realize every change I’ve met has been necessary. Painful to go through? You bet. But in the end, these losses are allowing me to restructure my life in a way that I’ve been too afraid to go after any time before.

I used to think that the ability to not give up on a relationship was a great quality I possessed. I see now that my determination was only a mask for fear. I fear change, failure, risk, and the unknown. Life is forcing me to face my fears now, and though sometimes it is painful and scary, it is also kind of exciting. Letting go of that security blanket which I’ve held onto tightly for so long feels almost freeing.

I’m learning a lot about myself these days. I know that I no longer want to hide my head in the sand when conflict arises. I don’t want to be who I was before. I still have my bad days, when things don’t go the way I expect them to, but how I deal with disappointments now will prepare me for the future.

And while that picture of my fake smile made me sad this morning, the sadness for today has passed. Now I can admit that there are so many other things about myself, and my life, that truly make me happy.