Toronto mayor, and Mark Mangino/Marion Barry impersonator, Rob Ford finally admitted what all of Canada and writers at The Daily Show were crossing their fingers to hear: There’s finally going to be a permanent NFL team in Toronto! When reached for a confirmation, Lord Roger Goodell responded with “Huh? Are you on crack?”

Rob Ford, woke up this morning, knowing he was going to admit to the world that he hits the Casper Chronic, looked at himself in his giant mirror and thought “Today feels like an NFL tie day,” and put on his tie that, considering the Oilers logo and moustachioed Buccaneer, has to be so old that it was a gift from Toi Cook.

Pasted-up pebble pounder Ford’s tie (that resembles my childhood bedsheets) is subtly making the point that without a permanent NFL team in Canada, Canadians are forced to root for the entire league, proving once again that not only are they are too polite for their own damn good, but that they’re a country of fence sitting centrists, too frightened to have national discourse.

I had similar bedsheets, except they were unlicensed and it was helmets, so the only ones that were really recognizable were the St. Louis and Cincinnati, uh, squadrons? And Cleveland, but I was like 7 and didn’t give a shit about Cleveland. I was all about the Tigers and the Sheep.

It’s cool guys, he only smoked crack while blackout drunk. I myself have done many things while blackout drunk, and while they may have technically “happened,” I’m not comfortable convicting this man on a technicality. Are you?

As a proud Toronto native (we’re a world class city! Just don’t let us host a G20 summit or an international sporting event…) all I have to say is this: I’m totally a fence-sitter, picking and choosing NFL teams to cheer for. And, if we get a team of our own, I’d have to stop doing that. Plus, it would probably be the Bills, and they kind of fucking suck. Plus, there’s really nowhere to tailgate here. Also, I’m lazy, home is warm, and the beers are cheaper. In summation, let London have a team. LA too. You don’t want us, NFL. Honest.

You should probably just pick the closest quality team. Which, unfortunately for you, would be one of the New York teams or the Pats. Cleveland and Pittsburgh aren’t far, but then again I said quality teams…you could go to Detroit, but that city is falling apart, so who knows how long that team will last.

I was gonna find some clever way to bring this around, but I’m drunk (happy Tuesday) and kind of lost my train of thought.

What I’m trying to say is be a Packer fan, or I’ll cut you.

/London (wrong London) isn’t far from Toronto. The more you know.
//Be a fan of whatever team
///Just not the Bears
////I don’t think I’m using these slashes right

Oh god, it’s so true, too. I’ve already heard people defending him because “there’s a reason he’s a successful businessman outside of politics.” It’s true, there is, it has to do with his dad starting a successful business.