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Rise of the Radical Republican? Boehner Inaction Figure Sold Separately

Despite the recent successes of some moderate republican candidates, I don’t believe it accurately reflects the larger political trend. The GOP will likely track further right and within a decade we will start hearing the words “radicalized republicans.” Bozo Haram? I know, I know, it’s like the time I commissioned a bust from that OCD sculptor, I’m getting a head of myself, again.

Andrew Sullivan would likely nominate my last statement for one of his over-the-top Moore Awards, but it doesn’t make it any less true. Sully doesn’t have to live in the trenches, like Arizona. Conservative types are becoming dangerously deluded. I’m predicting our future may well consist of the Clive Bundys of the world uniting, form of misinformed militias. I want a revolution too, but one based on reality. Sure I have my doubts about our future, but forgive me if I’m reluctant to climb into the bunker with the rest of the Schmuck Dynasty.

“You know this is all Obama’s fault, right? Want a can of chick peas, fella?”

I can hardly wait. Time to reiterate: I’ve never been a huge fan of the Dems, but I would rather see Michael Vick head of the ASPCA or Ray Rice head a domestic violence taskforce than see a republican president in 2016. My total liberal shift, at least vote-wise, has nothing to do with Democrats.

Ideology check: If, with the aid of a stool and the Hubble friggin’ telescope, you still can’t see some scant reflection of reality, you may be a republican.

The Foxeteers hate this president and they will likely hate the next several and, lest we forget, they’re the ones with most of the guns. You say you want a revolution? …well, you know, we’d all love to see the Rand.

Why hate Obama? What are the specifics? All we ever get are kernels of drivel from this Scheissgiest of theirs. Do you hate the successful implementation of a version of the Romney healthcare model? Do you hate having the best economic recovery in the west? Do you hate avoiding ground wars in the Middle East? Hint: attacking ISIS may cost another trillion, while Obamacare is thus far cutting healthcare costs. There’s nothing remotely fiscally conservative about fiscal conservatives. Someone get Paul Ryan a calculator. Atlas Buggered?

Summary Alert: Bush’s faults were of the San Andreas variety and Obama’s of the fictional variety.

What’s most disturbing is how even our president is forced to factor in this rightwing hysteria and fantasy into his algorithms. Thisis part of why he’s starting to falter. San Andreas falter? This week we find nearly one in four Foxeteers want to secede from the union, here. Nearly one quarter of the country! And this group is not going to settle down after losing more elections. They were created out of fear and propaganda as part of a rightwing ratings scheme and at this point the damage is done. I predict republicans will have several opportunities to realign themselves with reality but they will miss all of these windows. Defenestration Nation? Sultans of Squeegee? Sorry.

People are in the middle, Zano. They’re not as polarized as Fox and MSNBC would have us believe.

That may have once been true, but no longer. Republicans are ready for a revolution. They don’t understand or acknowledge any of the real challenges our nation faces—with the exception of islamofascism, which they overhype—and they have no idea how we got here. 2000 to 2008 has been plucked from their collective hippocampus like some political lobotomy. Electro Conservative Therapy?

Our real problems remain: The growing disparity of wealth, overpopulation, pollution, the failure to shift to sustainable communities and energies, and the perils of accelerating climate change. These will all go unnoticed until it’s too late. Oh, and wait until our radical friends start bombing mosques. That’ll help. The Blather Underground? Bozo Haram? Did I use that one already? How about Ailes-Qaeda? No? Okay, I’ll work on that one.

Of course the left will go lefter, but I‘m cool with that. Oh no! …thoughtful social libertarians! People who don’t worship the Koch Brothers, people not as ready to placate Wall Street or invade the wrong country! People who want to at least try to save the planet. Nooooo, everything will go to pot! I wish.

Hint of the Day: big business will be just find in the 21st century, but you won’t be.

It’s almost fanatical how today’s conservatives rail against any truths that might surface. Whack a maxim? I attended a Tea Party Express rally once, here, and yikes. Since that evening I have been patiently waiting for the inevitable collapse of the Republican Party. I called for reform for over a decade before giving up. We needed a healthy GOP to help balance the budget, to help reign in spending, to improve Obamacare. We’re getting nothing from this clunker, so it’s time for the scrap heap.

Why, during a time when the GOP may claim both chambers of congress can you talk about the right’s inevitable demise?

First off, they haven’t won anything yet. I broke from guru Nate Silver when republicans had an 85% chance to take the Senate and it is now down to 65%. Never underestimate their incompetence. Look, if you’re only pandering to white, old, angry, uneducated males, I’m afraid your future is tenuous at best. But don’t worry, so is everyone else’s. If The GOP wins the Senate it will only prolong their demise. I don’t have the patience, so I’ve used the Zano model to ensure the Dems hold on. Hint: it involves a headless chicken, burning sage, and some pin cushions.

“Political conservatives are the greatest threat to the nation.”

—President Barack Obama

This should be hyperbole, but I’m afraid it’s not. Someone immediately posted on Facebook, “How is this statement defensible?” Uh, read Zano. Just remember where you heard it first. Believe me, masses of delusionally misinformed, sociopathic citizens will eventually spell our demise; they’ll spell it wrong, of course.

“Republicans endanger civilization.”

—Nancy Pelosi

Only we can destroy ourselves. Bin Laden knew as much. If only Bush had been half as smart as that bastard.

“I know we’ve become used to this – and the press has found a way to write about the GOP as if they are not a reckless, know-nothing, post-modern fantasy machine. But it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t remain capable of shock and anger at this pathetic excuse for a political party, at the unique idiocy of this party of the right in the Western world.”

—Andrew Sullivan

Obama has had some missteps as well as some moments of brilliance, but republicans only have one thing on the agenda, another Benghazi hearing. Hell, I never understood the first fifteen. I want to debate the perils facing our country and our planet—the one I have to live and blog on. If republicans want to storm the Bastille—oh, wait, too French (insert your own metaphor). I don’t care what they want to do, I don’t want any part of it.

Okay, Cleetus, hand over the chick peas, but first I’m going to tell you a little story about Keynesian economics and the series of unfortunate events that led us to see if it could work.

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. View all posts by Mick Zano →