Jessica #32 - Anthropological Shabbat

Negotiating the unfamiliar waters of an interfaith relationship, Jessica sees light at the end of the tunnel. But is it the front of an oncoming train?

I couldn’t stop thinking that. Sitting at Rina and Steve’s Shabbat table, there was no way Rick had any idea that they disapproved of me dating a non-Jewish guy.

After we’d run into them at the basketball game in the park, Rina called and asked, straight out, why I hadn’t told her I was dating someone. She guessed why.

"Aren’t you going to yell at me or something?" I asked.

"No."

I could have deflected guilt, but this was a tactic I hadn’t expected.

"You’re not? You mean, you’re okay with it?"

"Of course I am not okay with it," she said. "But obviously you’re not either, or you would have told me about him. And I doubt I can really add anything new."

Oh, I could have deflected guilt, but this was a tactic I hadn’t expected. I ended up telling her that Rick wanted to come for Shabbat dinner. After conferring with Steve, she said that we were welcome but that I shouldn’t think that they in any way approved of the relationship.

Youch.

While Steve cleared the table, Rina spoke graciously toward Rick. Later, I whispered how wowed I was that they were being so great to him, even though they didn’t like him. She rolled her eyes immediately.

"Jessica, I never said anything about not liking HIM! He seems like a really great guy," she said, shaking her head. "My problem is with YOU and the decision you’re making in dating him."

Oh.

"You’re not being fair to him, or to yourself. My feelings have nothing to do with him. I’m disappointed in and frustrated with you."

There! Now those were emotions I could recognize -- just like my mother’s reaction when I’d told her about Rick.

As tense as I felt during the meal, I was reminded of all the little reasons I liked Rick. Not only had he remembered to bring something for Steve and Rina, but he was the kind of guest Rina called a "giver." He enthusiastically participated in conversations -- as much as he could, since he didn’t have much of a frame of reference for some of the more Jewishy topics -- and gamely offered to help in the kitchen. Best of all, he listened -- actually stopped talking long enough to hear the other people at the table.

Best of all, he listened and made room for other people.

I loved how Rick made room for other people. And I loved how he watched me, as if making sure I was okay and comfortable. Sometimes, when he would catch my eye, it seemed his way of just connecting ever-so-briefly, reminding me that I wasn’t alone. It made me feel very secure.

I could tell that he was enjoying himself.

The next morning, he was fairly bubbling over with enthusiasm as he dropped bagels on my kitchen table.

"It really makes such sense when you think about it," he enthused. "They really do that every week?"

I nodded.

"So they have built into their schedule quality time with their kids, with each other," he said in a tone that could only be called "marveling." "It is just such a good idea. No phone, no e-mail. I wonder if they ever get bored."

"Even if they do," he continued, "it’s just so functional."

For some reason, his comments irritated me. I wasn’t sure if it was because I disliked his anthropological view of Jewish tradition. I thought of discomfort I always felt when I and my other anglo pals would become enamored with one culture or another... we wore South American clothing, ate east Asian food and appreciated African music. We viewed their heritage as something funky to try on and sample, like perfume or cocktail weenies at Price Club.

I didn’t think he was being anything but honest about his admiration, yet I still felt uncomfortable. Shouldn’t I be happy that he liked my friends and that he liked Shabbat? The whole issue here was that I want a Jewish home -- and here, Rick was being enthusiastic about a major part of it -- and I’m getting annoyed. What gives, Jess?!

I returned to the bagel toasting operation I’d begun, half-listening to him enthusing. I tuned back in when he said my name.

"Jess, my parents would really like to meet you," he said casually. And that’s when he said it: "I thought maybe we could go with my family to church."

I looked to see if he was kidding. To church?

"My parents go every Sunday and then take whoever else goes out for brunch," he continued.

I looked to see if he was kidding. To church?

That’s when my cork blew.

I don’t remember what I said specifically, but it was something about how horrible and insensitive and ridiculous and stupid a request that was and how could he possibly think that I would want to do such a horrible and ridiculous and stupid thing.

He just stared.

"Do I have to remind you that I am JEWISH?!?!" I said to his dark expression. "I don’t go to church!"

He stared another moment and then sidestepped my tantrum. "Jessica, I am not asking you to sign a life membership to my parent’s church. I thought we might simply meet them there. It’s a social thing."

I didn’t say anything.

"And do I need to remind you that I am NOT Jewish? And I still went to your friend’s Shabbat?" he said. He pronounced it shah-BAHT. "And I listened to them praying in a language I don’t know and I didn’t complain! What is the big deal?"

I couldn’t help but stifle a giggle -- the TRUE nightmare "Meet the Parents." Forget Mafiosos. I envisioned me in a yellow, lacy dress complete with Easter bonnet, meeting his parents under a huge crucifix in the lobby of a cavernous cathedral.

"Jessica!" His mother would say, coming toward me, a huge bowl of ambrosia salad in her arms. "It’s so lovely to meet y’all! Ricky’s told us so much about you, what a lovely Jewess you are!"

She would then tell me that she loves Barbra Streisand.

"Why are you smirking?" Rick demanded.

She would then tell me that she loves Barbra Streisand.

I burst out laughing from the ludicrous image in my head. How could I explain to him the absurd stereotypes? A quiet voice in my head reminded me that he, like everyone, carries them too.

"I’m just laughing because my reaction was so ridiculous," I said, apologizing.

I was uncomfortable with my discomfort. It is only fair for me to go with him. It’s a family function. They’re not proselytizing. It’s not like he expects me to go take communion or something.

Then it dawned on me that some of our kids’ family functions would take place in a church.

"Argh!" I said aloud, exasperated.

Why does this have to be such a pain? Why can’t I just go with the flow?! We didn’t even make plans much beyond two weeks away and I am thinking about dealing with our kids??

"Look, Jessica," he said calmly. "We know this isn’t easy, okay? My parents go to church. I don’t. But it’s still what I was raised with, just like Shabbat is familiar to you. You have to be realistic about this. I’ve never tried to figure out how to make them both exist in a relationship and neither have you."

I tried not to be irritated by the way he pronounced Shabbat.

So why, I thought silently, do I think that it’s possible for him to sit at Rina’s table comfortably but I can’t sit in a church and be true to myself?

"Because you think it would be okay if he would just pretend to be Jewish," a small, honest voice whispered in my head.

Smiling penitently at Rick, I wondered -- why is that? Why do we think it’s perfectly acceptable to expect that a non-Jewish beau or beau-ette will convert, but find it horrible when a Jew converts or otherwise accepts the faith of their non-Jewish spouse?

Visitor Comments: 17

(17)
Anonymous,
February 15, 2001 12:00 AM

Oy,Jess needs to hear her ancestors speak

How fortunate we grandparents are to have Jessica to refer our wayward kids to. Of course, conversion is an option, but marriage is to BOTH families and thank heavens Jessica is educated enough to have bells go off at the thought of gentile in-laws influence on her children.Jessica is living the experience of so many of our 20-30 yr old kids who don't yet understand the realities of intermarriage. You go Jessica ... on to a nice Jewish boy.... pretty please

(16)
,
February 6, 2001 12:00 AM

Prejudices are a dangerous thing

While Rick might be quite flexible in respect to religion, it appears that Jessica is a bit close-minded and would not easily yield ground. This will definitely create problems later on in their relationship. If however each likes to go their own way all day and only come back home to see each other briefly at night and then off to bed (which isn't what most relationships should be) then there might be little headache.
Prejudices (that's what I'd call Jessica's view of church) are things of the mind. Purge your mind of those things and you'd live a happier life.

(15)
Gary Cohen,
February 6, 2001 12:00 AM

You're not religious, so this is much ado about nothing

Jessica, if you were a religious Jew who followed the tenets of your faith, you would not be dating Rick. Since you clearly are not religious, then Rick's non Jewishness shouldn't be of any concern to you. Your concern over Rick's non Jewishness no doubt comes only from your fears over what others will think and do, such as your family members and your Jewish friends. Either you are true to your religion (i.e., you believe and do what is required by Judaism to enter heaven) or you don't. If you don't, your'e free to date and marry Rick guilt free.

(14)
Steve Kranish,
February 5, 2001 12:00 AM

Different levels of commitment to Judaism can bring about the same problems

Jessica is dealing with the Jewish/not Jewish conflict - but she could just as easily be dealing with a too Jewish/not Jewish enough conflict. We all have different levels of commitment to Judaism, and that can cause great conflict in a relationship - or even prevent it from getting started. One woman I dated decided I was 'too Jewish' - after I took her out for dinner on a Friday night. Another prided herself on being a 'goyishe Jew' who knew and did almost nothing. Yet another was mortified to discover that I keep Kosher. Different is different.
Jessica's story - with all its conflicts - could just as easily be played out between two Jews - one from the Reform movement and the other committed to Orthodoxy. Would we find that any less upsetting?

(13)
Anonymous,
February 5, 2001 12:00 AM

The Rabbi and the Fish... they can mate, but where would they build a home...?

I'm in the same situation as Jessica... in love with a non-Jew. We have discussed what would happen were we to marry and he said that he'd be happy to have a strictly Jewish home (and I mean strict), but that he's not comfortable with conversion as a concept. Reading Jessica's story, I found myself relating entirely with her, but agreeing with my boyfriend. Shouldn't it be enough that he wants to ACT Jewish and raise our KIDS Jewish? To make matters even more complicated... I'm off to the Jewish Theological Seminary next year... It's my dream to become a Rabbi someday...

(12)
Steve Heller,
February 5, 2001 12:00 AM

How old are you?

You know, once you've been bar(batz) mitzvah-ed you're an adult according to the Jewish faith. Remember the commandment "Honor thy mother and father." That simply means to listen to thier advise and not get nasty if you don't agree with them. But it doesn't mean you're required to obey them. All these people who are saying "..oh, no...I don't think you should marry Rick or even date him..." are all a bunch of busy bodies. The decision is yours, not thiers, not your parents. The decision is a difficult one, but you have to follow your heart and not the rantings of a few mal-contents. Just because thier not happy with thier decisions, doesn't require you to be unhappy with yours. If all these people object to the marriage, don't invite them. Try this...ask him if he'd convert to Judism (if that sort of thing is really important to you)...if he hesitates in either direction..drop him like a rock. You'll know if Rick is "the one".

(11)
Anonymous,
February 5, 2001 12:00 AM

Here's another thing to think about.

I grew up in a typical Conservative Jewish home and became somewhat more observant in high school. When I married my husband, he came from a nice Jewish background (though not very observant) and agreed to give our children a Jewish upbringing. After maintaining a united "observant" home (including Shabbat, kashrut, holidays, etc - I work in the field of Jewish education!), he decided when our oldest daughter was 14, that he no longer agreed with our Jewish lifestyle and declared to them that he was an athiest, mocking Judaism to our children, and fighting me on everything from going to shul to observing Shabbat. He liked the idea of Shabbat the same way Rick does - nice idea, as long as nothing religious is part of it.

Now, 10 years later, my daughter is on her own, living with a Gentile and making pseudo-"Shabbat dinners" with him - before they go out for the evening, stating she will do Judaisim her own way. She had no problem going to Church with his parents, even though he is not supposedly a practicing Christian. He has no interest in converting. This past year, she didn't even come home for any holidays. She (and he) knows what I think about all this. She didn't even tell me about the relationship for a long time. And if you think she didn't get exposure to the beauty of Judaism, you're wrong. Growing up, she attended shul every Shabbat, didn't date non-Jews, went to a Jewish Day School, went to an observant Jewish overnight camp, took two trips to Israel, went to a college that was very Jewish, and was very involved with Judaism and Jewish values while living at home. Then she met this Gentile guy at her nice Jewish college and is still with him 5 years later. She currently tutors Bar Mitzvah students, so she's not totally out of the loop yet. But where I see things going, she could be the first link in our family history to break.

The lesson here: it's hard enough for kids to make a strong Jewish commitment when raised in a Jewish home - if this can happen when both parents are Jewish but one parent is not committed or supportive, even with all the other Jewish influences, what chance is there that a child from an marriage between a Jew and Gentile will remain Jewish (my daughter can't answer that one)? My experience says that if Jessica marries Rick, she has little chance of having Jewish grandchildren. Maybe she doesn't know it now, but she's in for a lot of heartache some day. And so is the rest of her family.

(10)
,
February 5, 2001 12:00 AM

Ok....Now we see the train

It is so typical of us Jews to expect understanding from the non-Jews. But eventually expectation of understanding and open-mindedness is solely on us since we are looked at as the "outdated" nation with outdated values. The question that I have is: Why is it that Jewish women sacrifice their religion/tradition for perceived security of a male spouse??!! And why is "the comforting look" is more important then non-conflict and proper brining up of ones children. Jessica knows exactly what she wants from her life and she sees her future family clearly, why is it so hard to make the right decision regarding Rick?! Calling all dump trucks--massive dumping coming right up.

Please do the right thing fast! and if I was you I'd take Streicherhouse@aol.com on the Shabbos invitation no matter where you are and what you do currently.

(9)
Hugh,
February 5, 2001 12:00 AM

is there a happy ending?

Is there more to this story? I am going through a very painful ordeal right now. My sister became 'engaged' to a non-Jew about 4 months ago. They have been living together about 13 months. I have had numerous collisions with members of my family, either individually or verbally and emotionally ganged up on all together, for not 'going along' with it and putting up a united front. I have been called closed minded and a bigot for not just accepting him as part of the family ...after all, I'm not the parent, just the little brother.
I grew up in the Conservative movement(but no shabbos or kashrus), but over the years, have become a Baal Tsuva (shomer shabbos and kosher) and have gone to the right since I realized one day that society's values, over the last few years have gone down hill; while my family has gone to the left.
Jewish law dictates that I can't go to the wedding. (Its a joint ceremony wth a reform cantor and a pastor. Its also on shabbos.) My father, and family in general, are afraid of my embarrassing them if I don't show up.
I feel disappointed and cheated by the whole thing. I am 30 and my sister is 33. This is something I've looked forward to for years ...now what?

(8)
Anonymous,
February 5, 2001 12:00 AM

Oyyyyyy.......

To hughf@hotmail.com -

One of the worst things I ever did was to not listen to Rabonim and go ahead and attend my brother's "wedding". I, too, was considered the pariah for taking on all these strange customs (although Orthodox is not a 4 letter word, "frum" is, and it even starts with the right letter), and ostrasized for my supposed bigotry.

I gave in, and went to the wedding, which was held on a Sunday so that I could attend.

It's only now, a year latter, that the reality of the situation has sunk in. My parents have had a change of heart, and don't speak to him any more. Ironically, it's me that's left caught in the middle.

Maybe if I'd stood my ground, things would have turned out differently. Or maybe not. But at least if I'd insisted on not attending, I wouldn't feel like I sold out on my beliefs. And if he really cared about me, he would not have put me in such a position, he would have respected me and my beliefs, and would have understood why I could not be there. I made sure to not even take my hat off, or have my picture taken in the wedding party, as it became clear that I was only there in an attempt for him to put a kosher-style phony-baloney hecsher on the whole fiasco.

Well, hope all goes well for you, and that you have a good Rabbi that you can talk these things over with.

Kol Tuv,

Yehuda

(7)
Anonymous,
February 4, 2001 12:00 AM

I'm getting mad at you Jessica!

Jessica, I have been reading your column for several weeks now and I have to tell you, I am about to stop. Your writing is terrific, and your stories are intriguing. But it hurts me too much to see you getting this serious with this gentile. I agree 100% with Rina. I am ashamed of your actions. So much so that this will probably be the last one of your columns that I read because it makes me too uncomfortable to see you slipping down that slippery slope of assimilation.

Like I've said in the past, I hope you enjoy church because you're going to be seeing alot more of it in your future. Enjoy your children's baptisms and the ham you're gonna eat on easter. Enough said. I'm done with your column.

(6)
yitzhack rubin,
February 4, 2001 12:00 AM

American Jewish trajedy

The heritage and traditions of Judaism are a well kept secret from many American Jews.Most have only an ''ethnic relationship'' with authentic Jewish culture and value system .They are not familiar with the rationale behind Religious observances having a grade school Jewish education. Their parents set their goal on financial security and neglected their religion. The mindset is that religion is for family milestones [birth-Bar Mitzvah -Weddings- and Death] Few know the joy of a Sabbath Family Table or the enrichment of reading a good Jewish History book or a Jewish novel.The contentment of sitting in a Succah is not part of the experience of most American Jews.
When one dabbles with Christianity ,he /she cuts themselves off from a meaningful way of life. It is not only the Jewish people that loses out but the Jewish young men and women are impoverished and lose out.

(5)
r a,
February 4, 2001 12:00 AM

This woman is so open minded her brains have fallen out.All of her first inclinations are correct.She is in for alot of personal and family pain if she goes to church & brunch in a non Kosher restaurant with his family.She will be hit by the locomotive.Better to be single than date this man.
From someone who saw it happen.

(4)
,
February 4, 2001 12:00 AM

Finally, someone who acknowledges the double standard

I am happy to see that someone has acknowledged the double standard. How can we expect the world at large to act like "Rick" when we all act like "Jessica"?

And if we do think like "Jessica", we shouldn't accuse the world at large of being anti--semitic if it is not enamoured with Judaism?

(3)
Anonymous,
February 4, 2001 12:00 AM

I am crying for you

Hi Jessica, it's me Joshua again. I wrote to you about 2 months ago when you first started dating Rick, and told you that you were wrong about Judaism - that it's not just Seinfeld and bagels, but much deeper, and that it's about our purpose in life. Jessica, I'm not quite sure why, but your article made me cry. And I don't cry easily. I just feel sad now, and a little scared - I'm afraid you could actually wind up marrying this guy. My tears are still coming, I just want to pray to G-d that you make the right decision and dump Rick. I know it's going to be tough and harsh and that Rick is not going to make it easy, but you have to do it. You have to. Jessica, you expect your kids to be Jewish, to follow a lot of Jewish practices. Jessica, I'm going to put this bluntly: How will you expect your kids to follow any Jewish practice, when you are violating one of the most basic ones. You envision future scenarios in your mind all the time, so envision this: You want your son to have a Bar-Mitzvah. He doesn't want to do it. He says he doesn't want to go through all that hard work and take so many classes with some old Rabbi, he doesn't even really like Judaism. OH - I know - you'll simply respond: Son, I know you don't want to, and that it's hard, but you are a Jew and this is what Jews are supposed to do. To which he can simply respond, Oh, and were you doing what Jews are supposed to do when you married Dad?

Jessica, my tears have stopped now. I think you're beginning to realize that Judaism is alot more than Seinfeld, and that it means a lot to you, it gives a lot to you. Give something back to it. Do something because as a Jew, that's what you are supposed to do. Break up with Rick. I don't want to start crying again.

(2)
Devorah Streicher,
February 4, 2001 12:00 AM

Jessica, are you still with Rick?

I was so happy to read that Jessica herseslf, was able to realize that dating a non-jew is not just casual. Every discussion and date becomes an issue. In todays day and age, in order to function ona daily basis, without getting really depressed, your life must be filled with religion. and if your Jewish, there really is no other way! I was just wondering how long ago this article is written, where Jessica lives, and if she's still dating Rick? P.S. I hope not.
P.S.S. Can I invite Jessica for Shabbos?

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...