Why don't we talk about sex any more?

It used to be so easy. It used to be something you couldn’t wait to talk about. Now – now it’s different. Now even mentioning it foreshadows a session of awkward frustrating commentary and inquisition.

"But why are you bringing this up now? Aren’t you happy? I don’t understand – is there someone else?"

Why is it so difficult to talk about your sex life with the person you’ve been sharing it with for the past 20 years. Why does the mere mention of your more intimate moments seem so accusatorial?

According to the latest analysis of Census data, even though the marriage rate is down, marriages are lasting longer, the divorce rate has dipped, and the number of people living together in a seriously committed relationship has grown along with the number of people identifying as being in a same-sex partnership.

So this underscores the fact that a lot of us who aren’t dating any more. There are a lot of Australians who are in long-term relationships. Some of these people are my friends, and some of them are finding it hard to manage the phase that comes after the first blush of romance. When they’ve both decided they know each other enough to want to be together, forever or for as long as it works for the both of them.

And some of them talk to me about things they can no longer talk to their partner about. Sex, generally, is first and foremost – for example:

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"We used to talk about sex. Usually leading up to or after the time we had it. We don’t do that any more. I wish we did. Not so much because there’s anything wrong, it’s just that I wonder whether it could be better. When we have sex, it’s great, but I can't help wondering, 'is this all?' and I wonder if I’m alone in thinking that. But I can't ask. Because broaching the subject seems to suggest my displeasure. It used to simply suggest my curiosity."

I find this baffling. One assumes the longer you’re with someone, the more you trust them, and if you trust them, then you’re not likely to want to try to hide things, are you? Certainly, you push and tease and pull and giggle about big ideas when things are new and fresh and exciting, but doesn’t that journey of discovery deepen with age and time? Aren’t you more likely to want to talk about – and wonder together – whether things could be better the longer you are together?

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So I turn to Google – great modern bastion of knowledge – and I discover that when you search for "why don’t we talk about sex any more", the engine’s wily spider-bots correct your terms, replacing the talk about with have.

Cue friend:

"But we have sex. I love the way we have sex – it reflects the years we’ve spent with each other and the experiences we’ve shared. Sure, it’s not as frequent as it used to be, but I prefer quality over quantity. Yes, I accept the sex we do have is not the sex we had when we first met. I love it partly because of that. But I do miss how adventurous it was then. We were adventurous because we were still trying to figure it out. We were figuring out what we wanted - from ourselves, from each other. We were figuring out what felt good, and what didn’t and we were referencing past, individual experience.

"Now, we are referencing our shared experience. Experience that’s produced a family, and happiness, and therefore should encompass all we need to know. We have supposedly reached a point where we don’t need to learn about each other because we should know everything about each other. But the fact is, I’m still growing, I’m still changing, and I’d still like to keep trying new things. Why can’t I talk about my desire for this to happen in the bedroom in the same way I can about my longing for it to happen at work, or with the relationships I have with our children?"

It's an interesting question. Why do couples reach a stage when they can’t talk about that special thing that defines their relationship as more special than others? Why do we stop talking about sex?

I can’t help but feel that the reason Google replaces talk about with have is because Google knows what my friends don’t appear to; that you don’t have sex any more because you don’t talk about sex any more.

Talking about things helps fuel interest. Interest fuels desire. Desire motivates. So talking about sex motivates us to activate our bodies and our minds. Much in the same way talking about our goals at work or at home can motivate us to take action. Yet there only seems to be this brief period in a relationship when it’s acceptable to articulate our desires - the point where we’re setting up the context and framework for the future. Before and after that point, sex is taboo.

It shouldn’t be. So don’t make it so. Keep talking about sex. Here, and at home.