Let's Do Lunch!

"How are you?" "I'll give you a call!" and other words we use to create the illusion of caring.

People frequently use expressions like "let's get together soon" or the infamous "let's do lunch" as throwaways with no intention of following through on the deed behind the expression. These figures of speech are known as stereotypical brush-offs.

A manager of quality assurance at a construction company complained in a recent article in the Wall Street Journal that while he feels compelled to make polite conversation in the workplace, he's "not always in the mood to hear about their travails, about the traffic, bad weather, a flat tire, their job, projects, family, schools and their health from headache to sore toe."

With all the "How are you?"s that echo down our streets and the ubiquitous "air kisses," we have become habituated to meaningless conversations, to saying words that have no substantive content behind them.

In Jewish tradition, meaning what you say is not only a good idea -- it's mandatory. (Just think of the boon to the restaurant business if everyone really did "do lunch"!)

A specific category of forbidden speech is called "genaivas daas," stealing someone's mind. This is not an ancient vision of some science fiction monstrosity; this is about deceiving people with our words. If we inquire about someone's life and we're really not interested, that's stealing his or her mind. We're creating an illusion of caring.

If we invite an acquaintance over for dinner and a) we never really intend to have them over ("Still remodeling your kitchen, Doris?") or b) we know for sure they're not available, we're stealing their minds. We're trying to satisfy an obligation without really…satisfying an obligation. We're trying to create an impression of friendship and good will without any of the effort involved in created true relationships.

If my friend's word doesn't mean anything, how exactly do we define relationship?

Our family recently visited Universal Studios. The most interesting experience there is not the high-tech rides but rather the back lot tour of all the stage sets for many different movies. The guide is fond of pointing out how it is all a façade -- just the front of the building with nothing behind it. Unfortunately many of us have taken that as a model for our lives as well.

Have we become so used to treating others cavalierly? As the WSJ article suggests, "That's the sorry truth about office prattle: Our mouths move, but we often don't mean it."

"Often" is putting it generously.

We say what is beneficial to us -- whether it's in a business or social context -- with little to no regard for the person we're addressing. I have a number of acquaintances who have made it a habit to never return phone messages. I don't like the phone either, so I can empathize with the desire. But if you don't like to return messages, don't record any! Don't use your answering machine. Otherwise you are deluding your friends into thinking they will hear from you.

Although saying things you don't mean is often done as an attempt to strengthen relationships -- "I'll call you!" -- it results in just the opposite.

If my friend's word doesn't mean anything, how exactly do we define relationship? If her request for information is insincere, if her dinner invitations are always coincidentally when I'm busy, what makes this a friendship?

If he can't be bothered to return my phone calls, if we've been waiting two years to set up a mutually convenient dinner date, then this friendship isn't high on the priority list.

Mean what you say and say what you mean -- a simple prescription but difficult to implement. We don't have to express everything that's on our mind (especially if it's negative) but when we do open our mouths, "you gotta be sincere."

Personally, the people who have most influenced me are not the brilliant, charismatic teachers or the powerful and wealthy businessmen, but those people whose sincerity and honesty shone through, who I knew I could trust. And that's certainly what I want for my children. I don't want them "doing lunch" (although I am open to invitations!); I want them reveling in the joy of having true friends over for dinner and having a home and personality that is open to all. I want them to mean what they say even though the temptation is to do otherwise. It's an important part of being a mensch, which is what we all want our children to be.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 9

(9)
HannahNana,
January 27, 2013 6:53 PM

If you can't say something nice...

When shown a photo of someones beloved grandchild or such, and not finding them as beautiful as the proud PaPa, I search for a Good or Benign quality to speak of;
Oh! my a full head of hair, at 4 months already?!" Or, " Such a happy baby, look @ that joy, THAT is what makes the world go 'round! " It isn't unkind nor insincere. In fact JOY is a gift for everyone, show me a grandparent who doesn't want to hear this? Or "Such bright, clear eyes, a gifted child to be sure." Share the delight with the other and then instead of 'let's do lunch" Be exponential so that it is obvious you both know there won't be a follow up; for example, " Sunrise, Sunset", I'll send a gift@ _ Mitzvah; That will be here by the time we finish our supper! Acknowledging things in common without forcing an affiliation. Gosh, that's brilliant, where did that come from?

(8)
rivka,
December 28, 2003 12:00 AM

Politeness is fine

but does it necessitate dishonesty? I think the answer to the previous comment may not be that we should be polite even if we don't mean it; rather, we should make the extra effort and MEAN it when we ask how someone is.

If we can make the effort to ask, surely we can -- and must! -- dredge up actual concern?

(7)
Gabriella Levin,
December 18, 2003 12:00 AM

Sometimes it's OK to be Polite

I certainly agree with the author's perseptive and honest evaluation of the insignificance of a phrase like "Let's do lunch," although I think it is also important to note that there is room to live, as well as an obligation to be polite to one another. If anybody that wasn't truly interested in another's welfare did not make an effort to do so, then our world would be a very cruel and harsh one indeed. While I think it is imperative to be sincere to one another, I think it is only polite to inquire about someone's welfare upon encountering them. Please consider this significant issue when you encounter a situation such as this one.

(6)
LB,
December 16, 2003 12:00 AM

I agree

Thank you for the reminder.

(5)
Anonymous,
December 12, 2003 12:00 AM

Amen!

I just don't know how certain people go thru life saying one thing but knowing fully well that what they're saying is untrue. It always makes me distrust everything else about them, let alone the words that come out of their mouths.

(4)
HB,
December 9, 2003 12:00 AM

Sometimes polite is ok

While I agree in principle with you article, would you rather people always said to you what was REALLY on their minds?

(3)
Anonymous,
December 8, 2003 12:00 AM

See what I mean?

See What I mean? ( A Poem)
If I cant say what I mean'
I cant mean what I say!
See what I mean?
I mean what I say..
Say what you mean !!!

(2)
Elyana,
December 8, 2003 12:00 AM

I can relate, I have been so disappointed

because I was a foreigner I heard those words all the time and believed they were true. I could not understand how everybody was being so nice to me... until I understood nobody was actually going to invite me over. And I was lonely and left alone. I was not shy enough to ask for help around when I did not know the usage, and I wanted to thank the people who indeed helped me.

I have invited people... who never came over, although I was meaning my invitations. I had even prepared food, because I thought people did not want to commit themselves too much in advance, so I was even prepared for a last minute agreement to come over. My house is always open... and empty.

My children cannot understand why they cannot have their friends come over although I have invited them all the time, what is wrong with this life ?

My Christian friends are always speaking about “faith.” To me this sounds a lot like blind faith. Is that really the essence of religion?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I'm afraid that this is another case of a Christian concept being mis-associated with Judaism.

Let's first define our terms. What is faith?

Webster defines faith as "Belief without proof."

What is knowledge? "An acquaintance with truth, facts or principles through study or investigation."

Faith is usually a product of desire. Have you ever gotten a tip on the market that guarantees you're going to triple your money in a month? A lot of smart people have gotten fleeced because they ignored the evidence and went with their feelings.

Knowledge, on the other hand, is based on evidence. We know there's a place called China because we have too many products in our house saying "made in China." There's a lot of evidence for the existence of China, even though most of us have never been there.

Judaism unequivocally comes down on the side of knowledge, not faith. In Deuteronomy 4:39, the Torah says: "You shall know this day, and understand it well in your heart, that the Almighty is God; in the heaven above and the earth below, there is none other." (This verse is also contained in the prayer, "Aleynu.")

This verse tells us that it is not enough to simply know in your head, intellectually, that God is the Controller of everything. You must know it in your heart! This knowledge is much more profound than an intellectual knowledge. God gave us a brain because he wants us to think rationally about the world, our role in it, and our relationship with God.

A conviction based on desire or feelings alone has no place in Judaism. The Hebrew word "emunah," which is often translated as faith, does not describe a conviction based on feelings or desire. It describes a conviction that is based on evidence.

Once this knowledge is internalized, it effects how a person lives. A person with this knowledge could transform every breathing moment into a mitzvah, for he would do everything for the sake of the heaven. But this is not a "knowledge," that comes easily. Only intensive Torah learning and doing mitzvahs can achieve this knowledge. Every word of Torah we learn moves us just a little bit closer to that goal. And everyone is capable of that.

To learn more, read "The Knowing Heart," by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (Feldheim.com). This entire book is an explanation of this verse!

In 350 BCE, the building of the second Holy Temple was completed in Jerusalem, as recorded in the biblical Book of Ezra (6:15). The re-building of the Temple had begun under Cyrus when the Persians first took over the Babylonian empire. The re-building was then interrupted for 18 years, and resumed with the blessing of Darius II, the Persian king whom is said to be the son of Esther. The Second Temple lacked much of the glory of the First Temple: There was no Ark of the Covenant, and the daily miracles and prophets were no longer part of the scenery. The Second Temple would stand for 420 years, before being destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE.

You shall know this day and consider it within your heart(Deuteronomy 4:39).

Business people who are involved in many transactions employ accountants to analyze their operations and to determine whether or not they are profitable. They may also seek the help of experts to determine which products are making money and which are losing. Such studies allow them to maximize their profits and minimize their losses. Without such data, they might be doing a great deal of business, but discover at the end of the year that their expenditures exceeded their earnings.

Sensible people give at least as much thought to the quality and achievement of their lives as they do to their businesses. Each asks himself, "Where am I going with my life? What am I doing that is of value? In what ways am I gaining and improving? And which practices should I increase, and which should I eliminate?"

Few people make such reckonings. Many of those that do, do so on their own, without consulting an expert's opinion. These same people would not think of being their own business analysts and accountants, and they readily pay large sums of money to engage highly qualified experts in these fields.

Jewish ethical works urge us to regularly undergo cheshbon hanefesh, a personal accounting. We would be foolish to approach this accounting of our very lives with any less seriousness than we do our business affairs. We should seek out the "spiritual C.P.A.s," those who have expertise in spiritual guidance, to help us in our analyses.

Today I shall...

look for competent guidance in doing a personal moral inventory and in planning my future.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...