Winds of War

There have ben renewed claims that the British government has been overstating the threat posed by Al Qaida terrorists following the arrest of another supposed terror suspect in London earlier this week. British security agencies (apparently acting on intelligence obtained from signals intercepts) are claiming that the arrest of the suspect – believed to be of Middle Eastern origin – foiled a major Al Qaida gas attack on the London Underground. However, police have subsequently admitted that no explosives, toxins or other terrorist devices were found on the suspect when he was searched. Despite this, Scotland Yard maintains a major terror attack has been averted. “It is clear from intelligence reports that this individual was planning to release a huge and evil-smelling Arab fart on the Central Line – in an enclosed space like that, it could have caused thousands of casualities,” claims a Scotland Yard spokesperson. “Luckily, the suspect was corned by a specially-trained SAS team who were able to cork his arse in the nick of time.” The terrorist was allegedly later harmlessly exploded on an Army firing range in Wiltshire.

According to the Home Office, covert surveillance of the suspect had revealed numerous telephone and e-mail conversations with another terror suspect in Damascus to purchase and import large quantities of dates. “When the suspect’s home was raided, abnormally large quantities of dried fruit were found in his garage – far too much for one person to consume, unless they were planning to deliberatly induce massive flatulence in themselves,” asserts the Home Secretary, dismissing claims that the alleged terrorist was actually a fruit wholesaler. “Our intelligence is of the highest quality – terror farters pose a grave threat to our capital’s infrastructure. There is a very real risk that a suicide farter, specially fed on a high-fibre diet, could take out the support columns of a large building such as the Nat West Tower.” He claims that intellgence reports have revealed that special training camps have been set up in Damascus where potential terror-farters – including several British citizens – are taught how to maximize their flatulence and strengthen their sphincter muscles so as to hold it in for hours, or even days.

According to the Home Secretary, the thwarted Underground attack was just the latest in a string of similar terrorist outrages in and around London. In early January, for instance, Heathrow Airport’s Terminal Four had to be cleared after a huge, evil-smelling fart was released by a person, or persons unknown. Three people, including a six year old child, were overcome by fumes and had to be taken to hospital. “It brought tears to my eyes,” pensioner Charlie Hassocks, aged 103, told The Sleaze. “It reminded me of the mustard gas attacks in World War One”. The terminal was closed for four days as specialist cleaning teams attempted to neutralise the persistent evil odour.

Perhaps the most bizarre of these would-be terrorists was the so-called ‘arse bomber’ – a fanatical British Moslem convert who attempted to destroy a packed National Express coach bound for Manchester by lighting his own fart. Fortunately, as the bomber strained to break wind, he followed through – the resulting stream of excrement dousing his match. His fellow passengers then seized him (at arm’s length) and ejected him from the coach at Watford services, where he was arrested by the police. “I wondered what was going on when this bloke suddenly dropped his cacks and slumped in his seat, legs akimbo, lighting matches and making straining noises”, said one eyewitness. “Suddenly he shat himself – this great gush of rusty water flew out of his arse all over his hands, the match and two nuns sat in front of him. The smell was diabolical – chemical warfare, if you ask me!” The authorities believe that the bomber’s original target may have been a packed commuter train. However, this plan was defeated by a railway guards’ strike, so he boarded the bus at Victoria Coach Station instead.

The authorities have vowed to fight back against such chemical attacks, with the Metropolitan Police issuing advice to the public as to how to identify potential terrorists. “Be on the lookout for swarthy Arab-looking types eating dates – we believe that it is fruit of this type which produces the distinctive noxious fumes”, said a Scotland Yard spokesperson. “They also typically wear at least six pairs of underpants, in order to contain any accidental discharges released before they reach their target. They will most likely be seen shedding these immediately before any attack, so as to expose the target to the full force of their bottom blast”. A further measure planned by the authorities is the introduction of specially trained ‘Bum-Sniffing’ dogs, which will be able to identify the perpetrators of any further anal attacks. “Its simply a matter of harnessing the animal’s natural instincts”, claims a Home Office official. “All too often the perpetrators of such outrageous and anti-social behaviour are able to simply walk away from the scene of the crime – but these dogs will ensure that the guilty arses are positively identified. There will be no hiding place”.

Critics of the ‘War on Terror’ remain unimpressed. “There is no evidence that the poor man arrested on the Underground is any sort of terrorist, let alone a so-called ‘terror-farter’,” says top terror expert Professor Peter Tench. “As for the Heathrow incident, the identity of that fart’s perpetrator remains unknown – it could have been anyone. How can they possibly know it was an Arab? As for the ‘Arse Bomber’, my own investigations have revealed that he was actually some tramp who’d managed to board the coach without a ticket and was thrown off after he crapped himself in his sleep. The whole thing was blown out of proportion by the press – with the connivance of the government!” Indeed, civil liberties groups believe that the government is using the alleged ‘terror-farter’ threat as an excuse to bring in draconian new anti-windbreaking measures. “We fear that he is secretly planning to extend the new ‘Bum-Sniffing’ measures beyond the terrorist threat, and apply them more widely – to identify people who break wind anonymously in crowded lifts, for instance. This would be an outrageous infringement of individuals’ rights to freely express themselves by letting rip at will”, a leading Human Rights campaigner has told The Sleaze. “Furthermore, the claim that Arab farts are more evil-smelling than British farts is completely unsubstantiated racial bigotry”.

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Publisher, Executive Editor and Chief Writer of The Sleaze, the Doc is in the forefront of the campaign to preserve historic 1970s moustaches, and is currently the owner of a fine 1970 Alain Delon, which he wears with pride every Thursday. Before founding The Sleaze, the Doc had the singular honour of being dismissed from the Ministry of Defence's Defence Intelligence Staff following his involvement with the original 'dodgy dossier', which sparked the civil war in the former Yugoslavia. Nevertheless, he stands by his controversial assessment that there is satellite imagery clearly showing Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic enjoying a three-in-a-bed romp with Princess Margaret and Richard Branson. Following his dismissal, the Doc crossed the Atlantic to enter the film industry, where he quickly became Tawny Kitaen's pubic hair stylist. The proud possessor of the world's largest collection of pornography discovered in hedgerows, the Doc is considered one of Britain's leading experts on smut, and acted as an advisor to the BBC 4 series A Pornographic History of Britain. Now in his early middle years, Doc Sleaze lives quietly in Southern England where he is sometimes allowed to teach Government and Politics to local A-level students. He can be reached through the site's main e-mail address - just don't expect a reply.