Cuddlist – Another New Age Wave About Embracing Your Loneliness

Humanity never seizes to amaze me. With all the crazy ideas that somehow manage to make themselves a reality, it’s hard to even be surprised anymore. Cuddlist is one of them. I stumbled upon it through word of mouth – you best believe that I would never go out there seeking something like this.

“Book a therapeutic, non-sexual, cuddle session with a certified professional cuddler.”

Being a professional at an activity used to mean something – pro diver, professional singer, etc. Now you can be a professional anything. Cuddling is a profession apparently. Where would one even seek such a certification? Do you have to go to school for it? Can you be such a shitty cuddler that you fail the course, therefore forfeiting the ability to work for this great company and make 80 bucks an hour?

How sad of a person does one have to be to have come up with this? Is it sad or is it in fact brilliant? Perhaps a little bit of both but personally, I’m leaning towards sad.

If you prefer to remain single because you don’t want the trouble that comes along with being in a relationship, all the power to you. In fact I’m right there with you. You’re never facing the ‘too many cooks in the kitchen’ problem when it’s time to make decisions and most importantly you can have the bed all to yourself, without anyone kicking you or snoring in your ear. However, if you claim to enjoy the single life, but are still seeking someone to hold you at night, you’re just lying to yourself. Something is fcked up in that head of yours. You’re either totally independent, and need no one but yourself (and maybe a dog) to be a happy or you’re merely in disguise. Seeking someone to cuddle with because we’re “deprived of touch”? Please. Touch yourself!

I wanna be a professional drinker, sleeper and eater. Pay me to come over to your house, devour your inventory and take a nap on your orthopedic bed. Why would someone do that? I dunno. For every ‘professional helper’ there is a person seeking said help. I could help you to make sure that all your expensive alcohol and food doesn’t go to waste just because you’re too self-conscious about your weight but just can’t stop buying it because you also have a shopping problem. Screw cuddling. This is where the true joys of life hide. Someone should invest a bunch of money and make it happen. Then hit me up, and hire me as your main gal. You can even keep the credit and say it was all your idea. I’ll be happy just going to people’s houses and ravaging their inventory whilst getting paid the big bucks.