Holden to Unveil Rev-Powered Penis Pump

Flint and the Bell Tower Times‘s network of sources have hooked up to get the to bottom of the Australian condition by any means necessary.

Holden may have betrayed Australia by moving manufacturing off our hallowed land, however, they have not lost touch with what Australian V8 drivers need – 8000rpm’s of pure overcompensation. Accordingly, Holden has announced the release of the Holden Penis Pump – a device that will help increase the length and girth of the driver’s penis which each obnoxious rev of his engine.

Dubbed, the ‘Cockodore’, the device is expected to fly off the shelves and be a staple in commemorative ash tray-ridden man-caves across the country. A Holden spokesperson released the following statement:

“Bad boys, fast cars but unfortunately, tiny dicks. Holden has dedicated itself to solving this problem – we therefore created a penis enlargement device that responds to the ferocity of the driver’s revving. The device is brilliant because it will come full cycle – once the driver has revved his penis to an acceptable size, he will no longer be prone to driving his car in an obnoxious manner – he can then pass on the pump to his son.”

The Bell Tower Times attended a local Perth Commodore Club car cruise on Thursday night to speak to V8 drivers about the penis pump. An SS driver told us:

“Great idea. Me missus always told me that if I could throttle her like I throttled me car, she would be a happy lady. Looks like I’ll finally be able to take her to a special bedroom edition of whoop-arse Wednesdays.”

The rev of a V8 has always been the embattled war-cry of the short-changed man, and now with the help of the “Cockodore”, the perpetually pin dicked will be empowered.

The Bell Tower times is run by collective of anonymous and shady Perth figures that have been reporting on ground zero of the Human Zoo we call Australia.