Love bites in mysterious ways

February 24, 2011|By Ask Amy

Dear Amy: I was in a relationship with "Steve" for about a year. Then one day, while we were still together he showed up at work with another woman. They both had hickeys on their necks, and they were holding hands.

One of my friends/co-workers confronted them, asking if they were dating, and the woman said, "Of course!" I was devastated.

Several months passed, and then I finally got the courage to talk to him about it. He told me he was stupid to do it, that he had messed up badly, and that he would like another chance. I gave him that chance, and a couple of months later, his ex-girlfriend got out of jail. He broke up with me again — this time for her.

She has a bad reputation for messing with people, so I told him, "If she breaks up with you again, don't bother coming back." Now he's acting really sweet and saying that I'm the only girl on his mind and that he wants the two of us to work things out. He says he has messed up but he wants to change.

Amy, my feelings for him burn like the heat of one thousand suns. I feel as if I'm completely lost in a forest of love. I want him back, but I don't want to be hurt again by the man I love. What should I do?

— Lost in the Forest

Dear Lost: "Steve" certainly has brought out the poet in you. And because you can't see the love forest through the trees, I will supply the next act of your romance for you.

You will take him back. After a honeymoon period ranging between a couple of hours and a couple of weeks, Steve will walk into a bar sporting matching hickeys and holding hands with another woman — or some version of this. You will be devastated, and the next time he is between girlfriends he'll beg your forgiveness.

You will cycle through this relationship with him until you wise up. You could save yourself the inevitable devastation if you would imagine this scenario, walk through it in your mind, and decide to skip it altogether

Dear Amy: I have a lifelong friend who is the mother of an energetic 3 1/2 year old boy. We used to speak several times a day by phone about basically — nothing. It was just chatter.

Now whenever any of her friends call her, we have a multiway conversation with her, her husband and/or the little guy. It is impossible to have a conversation of any kind at any time!

What is a tactful way to approach this without hurting the friendship? We all have tried calling while her son is napping, but it's as if he has radar! When her husband is home, he chimes in. We now speak maybe 2-3 times a week, and I miss our talks.

— Going Crazy

Dear Crazy: You say you used to enjoy your multiple opportunities for meaningless chatter. But now when you call your friend and actually get meaningless chatter, you say you don't like it.

Cut this mom some slack. She simply can't be available to you the way she once was. This will change in time. Urge your friend to call you when she can, but don't push her into having the kind of contact with you she can no longer have. A "girls' night out" might be the best way to get your meaningless chatter back.

Dear Amy: I'm responding to the letter from "Anonymous" who has a memory of her uncle exposing himself to her when she was very young. I applaud her courage in going to therapy. I'd add one more concern: It is very likely this uncle has approached other children with similar or even more aggressive behavior.

Shame, fear or threats keep victims from talking about these experiences, and allow the perpetrators to continue the behavior in secret. Talking to her parents may well help protect other children in the family from this man. Her first responsibility is to be safe and to heal; then she can consider her other choices.