Angry Birds Blitzkrieg Over Arkansas

Over the weekend, between 4,000 and 5,000 birds plummeted from the sky over Beebe, Arkansas. In the wake of the fowl’s fall, officials are struggling to answer two questions: first, will Newark mayor Cory Booker dig out any cars buried underneath heaps of dead birds, and second, what caused the mass nosedive to the grave? “There were some fireworks shot off at midnight and it is possible that the birds were on their roost and stressed so bad that it could have killed them,” said Keith Stephens of the Arkansas Game and Fish Commission, who also suggested that lightning or high winds may have caused the birds to suddenly drop from the sky. Another explanation may literally be at our fingertips. Though your blogger’s ornithologic expertise is neither credentialed nor existent, we do know one thing about the habits of fowl: when birds inexplicably and without warning fall from the sky, it’s because they’re angry. Specifically, they’re angry that a ragtag band of helmet-wearing pigs eggnapped their young. If our calculations are correct, the birds’ death-dives targeted wooden forts, metal fortresses, and elaborate castles made of slabs of turquoise. As for a solution, someone who has advanced passed the maddening 20th level of the first world is probably better equipped to advise on that matter.