Obamarama! President Re-Elected!

Hey, hey! Meet your new-slash-old president, Barack Obama. According to early returns, the incumbent president took Ohio, Wisconsin, Florida, Pennsylvania, and several other of this election’s count-y states. Mazel tov! New York and California and the like also voted overwhelming for Obama, but aren’t expecting any credit. No, no. Their obnoxious sense of self-satisfaction—and the fact that they get to live in New York and California and the like—is prize enough.

Shockingly, lawsuits did not, in the end, outnumber registered voters. While Mitt Romney waited for a fairly long time to deliver his concession speech—completely ignoring his least-attractive son’s bed time, by the way—he sort of rushed through the thing and seemed generally relieved that he never has to interact with another poor person ever again.

“Can? Will,” Rovzar replied, and wondered if President Obama was not the slightest bit jealous.

Speaking to a jubilant crowd and some pieces of confetti in Chicago, Obama hid any deeply felt emotional, intellectual, and physical exhaustion quite well. “Tonight, in this election, you, the American people, reminded us that while our road has been hard, while our journey has been long, we have picked ourselves up, we have fought our way back, and we know in our hearts that for the United States of America the best is yet to come,” he said.

One bit of bad news for supporters of the president: remember when Obama announced in his 2008 victory speech that Malia and Sasha were going to get a puppy? Certainly you do! That picture of Bo Obama wearing a lei was your Facebook profile photo for like a year. Anyway, Malia and Sasha (and, by extension, you) will not be receiving an additional (surrogate) dog. “Sasha and Malia, before our very eyes you’re growing up to become two strong, smart beautiful young women, just like your mom,” Obama said. “And I’m so proud of you guys. But I will say that for now one dog’s probably enough.”

Drinking decaffeinated iced coffee out of a coconut on some faraway beach, Mitt Romney mumbles, “And I will say that one dog’s probably too much.”

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