For better and for worse

I despise the summer holidays. This is not just because it’s difficult for Reilly thrown out of his routine, I’ve never ever been the Mam sobbing on the doorstep on the 1st day back at school. I’m the Mam planning what I’m going to do when I’m free and they are back in school. I’ll probably do side heel kick jump when the transport pulls away whilst flying a flag with ‘see you turds’ written on it. I’m demented I really am.

Reilly and Ellis spending lots of time together is disastrous. If I had a penny for every time I’ve heard MAMMMMMM he’s pulled the plug out my PlayStation I’d have £2.75. Mammmm there’s a full toilet roll down the toilet. Mammmmmm Reilly’s had a poo.

There’s never any food. Reilly eats about 6 slices of bread daily and puts the rest through the letterbox or creates stepping stones with them across the kitchen floor. He puts anything he can get his hands on and puts it in a pan (which I now know he is copying the trailer from Ratatouille) and attempts to light all gases. We have 7 burners! That’s a lot of gas if you’re not quick on your feet.

Reilly hates Ellis singing, Ellis thinks he’s Eminem – I have to plead with him to try not to sing rap god to avoid crying, hair pulling and smashing of ‘stuff’. This usually met with a 2 quid bribe.

Ive seen Cars 2 15 times and the trailer for Car 3 115 times. I’ve spent approximately 4 hours sat under my quilt tent on hot days while Reilly piles garments on top of me so I can’t breathe then slides little car into the tiny tunnel he creates to keep me company.

Yesterday I went into my room thinking a giant sello spider had woven a big sticky web in my room and all the way down the stairs, he’d sellotaped my drawers shut, made a sellotape dado rail, wrapped the wire of my hairdryer, under my mattress and even took it down the bannister.

Ellis moans constantly because I’m no fun and Reilly is attached like a leech 24/7 means we get no alone time and his sleeping his out of kilter.

Now all the time this is happening Shane is at work. I ring him occasionally when Reilly will allow it, only loudspeaker I can’t put it to my ear or world war 3 breaks out and the loser ends up being my phone. The phone call goes like this every day…

Me – hello it’s just me

S – Hello just you

Me – What time you coming in?

S – Why?

Me – Just asking (please let it be soon).

S – What you planning like?

Me – Nothing I just want to know (gritted teeth losing will to live)

S – Weyyy I’ve got loads to do so prob have to stay back a bit

Me- large exhale

S – think of the pennies

Me- I don’t give a flying f@ck about the pennies I’m losing my mind.

Me – I’m not cooking.

Inject into that at any given time. Reilly get down. Ellis put that back. Reilly get off. Ellis stop singing. FFS – Numerous times.

By the time Shane comes in he’s wrecked and I’m at the end of my tether. There’s no ooo let’s crack open a bottle of wine and eat together and discuss our days. No we scowl and Shane looks for socks in preparation for the next day. Reilly likes to switch washer off mid cycle or empty all of washing liquid into drawer which means the clothes are into washer approximately 3.5 hours for one wash hence the garment Alps in every room.

Anyway on a jaunt this week I called in at my Mam and Dads en route to wherever Reilly was taking me. I think they noticed my stress levels.hey presto next morning my mam turns up to see if I need any help of the housework variety and mentions I looked a bit down. I said there’s not a probiotic in the world potent enough to deal with summer holidays shit stress, I’m fine I’ll deal with it I always do. “Your Dad says he’ll watch Reilly if you want to go for your hair done this week” I‘m obviously a clip.

“I don’t want a babysitter for 3 hours while I sit in the hairdressers!! I want one so I can go for food and talk to my husband about non child related subjects and relax”.

Tadaaaaaaa.

Tonight me and Shane have been to our fave Turkish restaurant and ate so much food and talked so much crap I feel 100 times better. Perfect.

Unfortunately for my Dad Reilly wanted to go on the bus to Whitley Bay and there wasn’t one due for 30 mins. They got on the bus eventually while Reilly was still having a wobbler about not getting on a bus earlier. The driver was brilliant!! My dad explained they get off the bus and go to Greggs for a sausage roll and a drink then come back for the bus but there’s a half an hour wait. The driver actually waited at the stop for them to go get their snacks and come back. Little things like this make our lives so much easier.

So back to watching cars 2. Roll on our hols a week Wednesday. Same shit different country.

Please understand I love my boys to bits and I can appear dramatic. There are millions wish they were as lucky as me and I know that xx