Tuesday, December 31, 2013

I scheduled my first OB appt today!! It is next Friday the 10th!!! I will have an ultrasound first and then meet with the nurse practitioner. I wish it was with the actual doctor but I will see her next time. So in 10 days we should know if there is one baby or two babies!!! I am so excited!!!

The only symptoms I am having so far is dizziness. It comes and goes and isn't really bad.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

I didn't realize until today that my post from Monday never finished posting! Whoops! No wonder everyone kept asking! I posted it anyway. Sorry about that!

Since the transfer I have been really calm. I am not obsessing and just trying to remain relaxed. A week from tomorrow we will know if this is our time. We are still so excited. I feel like I always do except with sore buttocks. Ha. The shots aren't that bad, it's the bruising and knots they leave that suck.

I wonder what those embryos look like now. Hopefully they are hatching out of their shells and finding the perfect spot to implant. :)

Everything went okay today other than the doctor being two hours behind. I was scheduled for 12:15 but it was after 2:15 before I went back. So needless to say I didn't know how I was gonna hold my bladder for over 7 hours and ending up holding it for over 9 hours!!

Dr. DeRosa came in the room and said "We got two great 8 celled embryos we will transfer today and that will leave you with 5 more and one blastocyst. Pretty damn good."

After getting back to the operating he began to tell me that my uterus tilts way back and that normally he doesn't use an ultrasound to guide the catheter but would with me. The embryologist loaded the two babies into the catheter. We could see the catheter enter my uterus on the ultrasound screen. The first time he inserted it it didn't bend with the uterus like he wanted. He took it back out curved the catheter and tried again. Still not perfect and told me I may have to empty my bladder a little but would try one more time. He bent it a little more and tried again. Luckily 3rd time was the charm and he said he got it right where he wanted it.

I looked over at Ryan once. I think he was in shock about the entire procedure. Dr. DeRosa said that he really thought this would work out. He said I am 30 and have two great embryos. He said I would test in 11 days and started figuring how many days it was until Christmas out loud, 9 days. He started to say I could try testing on Christmas Day with an at home test but I interrupted him and told him I am not going too. He said that was good because it could still be a false negative that early.

Now I am just laying around trying to rest.

So excited to say these two babies are now hanging with their mom and dad! And we love them already! Please stay babies! We promise to spoil you rotten and be the best parents we can be!!

This is your daddy, he is the sweetest, most upbeat guy I know. He will take great care of you and always try his hardest to cheer you up when you are down and make you laugh when you are sad, scared or have a booboo. You just gotta get here so we can love on you forever!

Saturday, December 14, 2013

It's scheduled for 12:15!!! I have to report at 10:15. No food or drink after midnight, no urination after 5:00 a.m. That part is gonna be rough. They will thaw the best two embryos that morning. We are so excited and getting more excited every minute!

Ryan did excellent at my first PIO shot! I was so proud of him! I hardly felt a thing. I didn't even feel the medicine going in. I hope it is like that every time! I am a little bruised but I figure I better get used to that!!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

My results from Monday are good! She said my lining was nice and thick like it should be. It measured at 12 mm. My Estradiol was 733, they want it to be over 250. So now we wait! This week has been and will continue to fly by and before I know it I will be up at St. Louis waiting at St. Luke's. Waiting to be given a picture of two of my babies that will leave with momma and daddy. Waiting to see Dr. Silber. Waiting to watch my babies on the ultrasound screen.

I am still doing good to remain calm. And still working on the staying positive. Ryan and I are finally allowing ourselves to daydream together about the future. It has been a long time since we have done that. Since April it has only been this is what we got to do today and this is what is coming and no talk of if and when. We talked about cleaning out the spare room, we argued over whether or not I would be getting a minivan if I had twins, we talked about baby names again. It has been nice. I kinda forgot what it was like to daydream.

I am going to the chiropractor after work for an adjustment. I wanted to make sure everything was in line especially my hips. I want everything as perfect as possible and need all nerves that have anything to do with my uterus to be firing properly. Tomorrow night is our injection training. (So looking forward to that. Ha.) Thursday night a friend is having a work Christmas party at her house. And then Friday I will be off to St. Louis with Kolette. I am hoping we can squeeze the rest of our Christmas shopping in that day. I will have to be back by 8:30 for Ryan to do my very first progesterone shot. Hopefully I will get to do something fun Saturday to stay busy. I would love to go see the new Hunger Games movie. Sunday after church we will head up to St. Louis and be hours away from the moment we have been waiting so long for.

I will know Friday what time my transfer is scheduled for on Monday and my instructions.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING AND PRAYING! Your support means the world to me!

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

I started my Estrogen supplement on Friday. Two pills in the morning, two in the evening and 3 lovely patches on my abdomen that I change out for new ones every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Up until yesterday I have had two bad hormone headaches a day from it, one mid-morning and one in the afternoon. Yesterday I only had the afternoon headache and today so far I haven't had one. I am hoping my body is adapting to it and I eventually won't have them.

I have been counting down the days! I have a calendar on my fridge and I mark a day off each night after my Lupron injection. 12 more days!!! People keep asking (or I can tell those that don't want to) how I am doing. I know they mean emotionally. I am surprisingly good! I have been calm, not stressed and been upbeat about what is to come. Now this all very well may change next week. I am certain I will start stressing some and get nervous. I am actually looking forward to transfer day. I think it will be a happy emotional day for Ryan and I. Another experience to make our relationship grow even more. How could you not be happy and feel so in love with your spouse when you are having two of your babies placed inside your uterus and you get to watch it while holding his hand? I could cry just thinking about it. So ya I am pretty excited for that moment. I know there are things that could go wrong. My uterine lining may not cooperate and get nice and pretty like the doctor wants, there is no guarantee (although somewhat unlikely at our clinic) that we won't lose any embryos in the thawing process, or it come an ice storm that weekend or various other things. But I know not to focus on the what-ifs.

I am participating in a Hope Christmas Card Exchange as a member of a private group on Facebook for us that are having trouble or have had trouble trying to conceive. I have been assigned 4 names and addresses of women to send Christmas cards. The purpose is to send words of encouragement during this holiday. You see if you have kids or have never struggled to have children you may not realize how hard the holidays are for those who are struggling and are lonely and don't have children in their home Christmas morning. So I am really excited about that and bought my cards last night! I am not sure how I will feel this Christmas morning. I hope I feel pregnant even if it means extreme morning sickness! Since Christmas is two days before my beta test I very well may be in a trance and just going through the motions. I just pray God gives us the best Christmas gift or gifts anyone could ever be lucky enough to receive.

Next week Ryan and my mom will do their training on how to administer my progesterone shot. So pray for them and steady hands! :) Also on Monday I will go to my local hospital for blood work and ultra sound. I am praying all levels are normal and that my uterus looks beautiful!

Monday, November 25, 2013

I have been spending a lot of my time over the past month reflecting on all that has happened in the last year.

There have been so many dates I knew where coming. Dates marking one year anniversaries from things that happened in 2012.

November 2nd: My 1st (of 5) IUIs (inseminations) at Little Rock. The one that worked!

November 15th: The day I found out that I was in fact pregnant!

November 25th: The day I miscarried.

It's been a year today. Sometimes it seems like 2 or 3 years ago. I have been dreading this day. I thought I would come to work in tears and be blue all day and have to try to keep myself together. But luckily for me I got it all out in a huge bawl fest Saturday evening. Today I feel okay and I am okay with that.

You see Saturday I decided we should put up our outdoor Christmas lights and drag the tree and all other decor out. After I came in from getting the lights hung I started digging through the boxes. I came across this little bird nest ornament.

It was the ornament I bought November 2nd. The day of my first insemination. For those of you that don't know how an insemination works, you show up at the clinic bright and early. Husband drops off his contribution of the baby making necessities and then you have about an hour until they want you back. In this time Ryan would usually get something to eat (Krispy Kreme) and I would run in a store. I saw this ornament and thought how cute, two little eggs. How fitting. I was hoping my body was working to release one or even two eggs at the time. I came out to the car and told Ryan I had bought it for good luck.

As soon as I pulled it out of the box of other ornaments the tears started flowing, followed by sobbing and praying out loud. (Thankfully Ryan had gone to feed. I don't like to let him see me this way. Because he can't fix it and I try to hold it in when he is around.)

So I am thankful. Thankful that my wonderful husband agreed to pull out our Christmas stuff even though he is a firm believer in not putting anything up until after Thanksgiving. Thankful that I have this ornament. Thankful that I got to grieve at home and not at work. Thankful that this year is behind me. Thankful that I have 8 babies waiting on their chance to come home with mom and dad.

This will always be my favorite ornament ever. It will always be placed in the most noticeable spot on my tree.

This is the only picture I have of us together when I was pregnant. It was taken last Thanksgiving. I was over the moon happy that day. I couldn't quit smiling and thinking about the future. I can't wait to have that feeling again! (Hopefully in 32 days!)

Monday, November 18, 2013

First I want to apologize to my faithful readers - sorry I haven't posted in over 7 weeks! But there hasn't been much to say (other than a couple of bad days I have had here and there when I thought about posting my internal rantings). All I have been doing in terms of preparing for my transfer is taking stupid birth control pills. I say stupid because they make me feel crummy but luckily Thursday is my last day of those!

Over the last two months I have been keeping busy with my sister, crafting things up for our side business and preparing for our annual craft show. It takes a ton of time to prepare for the show but I was grateful for the distraction. Up until last week I hadn't stressed at all about my upcoming transfer. Not gonna lie, since last Monday there have been times I thought about it so much I thought I would throw up. I wish there was an off switch for the wandering part of our brains. One moment I feel so happy and confident about whats to come and think how could this not be our time? The next moment doubt creeps in and I wonder how I will handle the disappointment and where we could run off to for a few days to escape. AHHH! So I have to work on the positive thinking and deep breathing.

Today I start my daily 10 units of Lupron injection in the stomach. I take these shots up through December 12th. These shots are not bad, I use a tiny insulin needle for them. On November 29th I start my estrogen in pill and patch form. I take two Estrace pills twice a day and start my Vivelle dots. I apply 3 of them to my stomach and switch them out every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I will continue both forms of estrogen up until the pregnancy test (December 27th). If the test is positive I will continue both forms for 10 - 12 weeks after the test. All of this medicine is to get my uterus on her A game and for her to be the best she can be for December 16th!

On Monday, December 9th I will go to my local hospital for a blood hormone panel and an ultrasound to measure my uterine lining. On Friday, December 13th I will drive to St. Louis for another ultrasound measurement of my lining. Also on December 13th I start the oh-so-dreaded PIO (progesterone in oil) shots. I really don't even want to go into why I dread them right now but let's just say the needle is long and think. I will post about those shots closer to time. These shots like the estrogen will continue until my test on December 27th and will continue for 10 weeks after if the test is positive. We will repeat the test again on December 30th to make sure the numbers are doubling if the first test was positive.

That Friday the plan is for my sister to ride with me to St. Louis and back. My transfer is on Monday morning, so Ryan and I will go up Sunday afternoon. After the transfer I am instructed to go back to my room and be on bed rest for 24 hours. I am only supposed to get up to use the bathroom. I will be hitting up a Redbox the night before and loading up on snacks. Sometime Tuesday we should be able to drive home and I plan to be back at work Wednesday. There will be 11 days in between my transfer date and my first test date. At least it's not a full two weeks! But those are going to be the longest 11 days ever and Christmas will be right in the mix of them! Speaking of Christmas, I have told myself this year I am not stressing about finding everyone the perfect gift and am not spending tons of money. It's not worth it and it clearly states in my orders from Dr. Silber no added stress after December 16th!

So that's where we are, lots to remember, lots to stress over! All prayers and words of encouragement are welcomed! :) Especially prayers for sanity! Although how does a gal that is pumping herself full of estrogen and progesterone all while waiting to see if the one thing she has wanted for the past 29 months is finally going to happen?! Poor Ryan, pray for him too.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Tuesday morning a friend's mom called her at work (our work) and told her she thought my doctor was on The Today Show. I ran to the break room and turned the TV on. I had already missed half of it but thanks to the Internet I was able to watch it all.

Now I know Dr. Silber has been on TV several times in the past but this time they preformed an egg retrieval live for the first time ever and showed the process of inserting sperm into the eggs. I saw all those people just 3 weeks ago, Dr. Silber, the nurses, the ultra sound tech and the girl drawing her blood! They even showed the guy sitting in the room waiting for them to wheel his fiance back in. I wonder if Ryan looked that nervous? Probably not this time but maybe the first time. So cool!

Whew! That's a lot to keep up with. Lots of shots this time. I knew that was coming though. I did an estimate and if I am blessed with pregnancy it will be roughly 110 straight days of shots! But if that test comes back positive I will gladly take a shot in the hip everyday! Ryan is gonna have to get tough because he will have to give them to me. The progesterone shots have to be in the hip.

For the last week and a half I have been having a pregnancy dream almost every night. The strange thing is that I haven't had a pregnancy dream that I can remember in over a year! I have had maybe 2 or 3 dreams about babies but none that I am pregnant. All this time, tons of medicine, countless trips to the doctor, countless ultrasounds and blood work, 5 inseminations, 2 egg retrievals and NO PREGNANCY dreams! It's so strange when I think about it. I pretty much day dreamed 24/7 of being pregnant but no dreams at night. I guess my conscious is finally confident enough that I will be pregnant someday soon. I love these dreams. I wake up so happy. Some of them are really happy and some are stressful. I dreamed last night that it was time to go to the hospital. Ryan wouldn't quit talking to everyone around us and kept trying to get things done before we left. I kept looking at my belly and telling him that I didn't think it was time because my belly only looked like I was about 4 months pregnant. I asked him if I had any ultrasounds and he said no. I panicked and said "how can I be ready to deliver if I have never even had an ultrasound?" And of course he was not worried at all and told me it would be fine. Then I woke up. I had one dream a few nights ago that we went in for an ultrasound and the baby was sucking it's thumb. I was sooooooo happy when I woke up from that dream. I cannot wait to hear a heartbeat. I cannot wait to see a baby move on the screen (instead of just looking at follicles on that screen). I hope these happy dreams continue, they give me confidence.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Earlier in the week I was contacted by a reader that my little ole blog reached. (Which always makes me happy!) This reader didn't want to talk about infertility but she did want to share her own personal struggle and journey. When her daughter was only 3 1/2 months old, Heather was diagnosed with a rare and deadly cancer, pleural mesothelioma. She was given 15 months to live. Despite her horrible diagnosis, she knew she needed to beat the odds for her daughter, Lily. She and her husband sought out the best mesothelioma treatment care available. She is now a proud 7 year survivor with a mission to help other mesothelioma victims. She asked if I would be willing to share her story to help her raise awareness for Mesothelioma in honor of the upcoming Mesothelioma Awareness Day, September 26th. Now I know I don't have thousands of readers but like I have said before about my own journey, if it reaches and helps just one person it will be worth it!

Please take the time to read Heather's sweet story by clicking on the link below.

Friday, September 20, 2013

We have set the date! Our first transfer will be December 16th. I will have more information next week about the preparation for the transfer and all it entails. But yes they will transfer two embryos (I have been asked this a bunch) :)

I just realized I forgot to post a picture of the four new additions to our family!!

To the left is our September babies and on the right are our June babies. The one in the top left corner is the blastocyst.

I sometimes forget to explain things for my readers. Sorry! A lot of my readers are fellow IVFers and I know they don't need explanation and could explain it for my "non-infertile" readers so much better than I could. But I realize I have left out some important information about what happens after the embryologist injects sperm into the eggs.

After fertilization has taken place, the embryos are transferred to a special growth fluid (media). The process of allowing embryos to develop in the IVF laboratory is called culturing. In order to enable the embryos to grow, the culture dishes containing the embryos and the media are maintained in an incubator where the atmosphere, humidity, and temperature are carefully monitored and controlled.

During this time in the incubator, it is hoped that the embryos will develop normally. Normal embryo development requires a process of cell division called mitosis. The single fertilized egg divides into two cells, then four and so on. Some embryos will not divide at all. Some embryos may divide at a very slow rate which is indicative of a poor potential for producing pregnancy. Some embryos may divide abnormally and start to fragment during their development. These embryos also have a poor potential for producing pregnancy. A blastocyst is an embryo that has developed for 5 to 6 days after fertilization.

Normally, by the third day after the egg retrieval, healthy eggs will have divided into eight cell embryos. Which thankfully we have 7 of now! The reason we have the blastocyst is because on day 3 that embryo had only 5 cells. So they left it in the incubator for a couple more days to see if it would grow more and they froze it's 3 beautiful siblings! By day 5 it had grown and turned into a blastocyst! When an embryo reaches the stage of blastocyst they stop classifying the embryo by it's cell count because it has so many cells they can no longer count them.

This picture may help explain the stages of an embryo. Granted mine weren't fertilized in the fallopian tube but they will be placed right up there where it shows the day 7 embryo.

Hope that makes some sort of sense! But always ask questions if you have them! It doesn't bother me at all! I will probably post about the transfer process next week after I get my information packet in the mail. But for now we are just so elated! We feel like we can relax and not stress for a little while. We are so anxious for December! Thank you all for your continued support, prayers and encouragement! I love you all! ﻿

Friday, September 13, 2013

Just got the call from the doctor's office! We have 3 embryos and 1 blastocyst! The 3 embryos are all 8 cells and all have less than 5% fragmentation. They want all embryos to have less than 10% fragmentation. Since I have a new coordinator I asked about the June cycle embryos. I was never told anything about fragmentation of our embryos in June. So this is the breakdown:

When she looked at the picture of the last one (8 Cells, 0% Fragmentation) she said it was one of the best embryos she has seen!! That is music to my ears!! When she said that I almost shrieked.

I am so so so so HAPPY!!! Giddy happy! Thank you God for all 8 of these tiny miracles! Thank you for blessing us!!

We will go either December 16th, 17th or 19th for transfer. Those were the days left on the schedule. Not sure which yet. Possibly the 16th, Ryan and I have to discuss it more tonight! We are going to be celebrating all weekend!!!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Of the 12 eggs they retrieved 8 of them were mature enough
to inject with sperm. Of the 8 that were injected 4 fertilized. They will
freeze them sometime this week and let me know if they all made it through the
freeze process. Hopefully all 4 will and we will have a total of 8 frozen
embryos. I will go in December for my first transfer (putting 2 embryos back
into my uterus).

Thank you all for all your kind words, support and prayers!
They are so greatly appreciated! It is the best gift we could ask for during
this time.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

12 eggs! I cannot believe it! Neither could Dr Silber! So blessed! All the glory goes to God! I cried when I woke up and Ryan told me. I kept asking if I was dreaming. Thank you all for your prayers. We will know something Monday about fertilization. Keep up the prayers!

I am schedule for retrieval at 9:00 Saturday morning. I have to be there at 7:00.

I am to take two injections of Lupron tonight. One at 11:00 and then next at 1:00 a.m.!! That's gonna be a fun one! Hopefully my alarm works and hopefully I get the right dosage in the needle. I might have to splash some cold water on my face to be alert enough.

I have to admit I am getting pretty home sick. My sister came up with me Sunday and she left this morning because Ryan got here last night. She was so excited to get home and get ahold of our week old niece. Seeing her pictures makes me want to cry. I want to be with them so badly. And I miss my fur baby too. But it's gonna be over real soon. Ryan and I just have to find a way to entertain ourselves tomorrow! And then it gets exciting again! I am so ready! I feel so much more at ease this time around. I guess because I know what to expect the morning of. I haven't started stressing about how many eggs we will get yet. Probably because Kolette and I stayed so busy hitting every thrift store in a 15 mile radius of us and have been working on craft projects in our hotel at night! Hence why my posts are so short. We really had a fun time! The thrift stores around St. Louis are awesome! We bought so much stuff we are going to paint or repurpose! I can't wait to get home and get to work!

Tomorrow is a free day! No injections, well unless you count the one at 1:00 am! And no blood work or ultrasound! And no alarm in the morning, again except at 1:00 am. Can you tell I dread that one?

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Well today I have 11 follicles! That is the good news. The bad news was that I had to do an injection of Ganirelix today and again tomorrow morning. I didn't have to take it last time. It is to make sure that body doesn't ovulate prematurely. They want me to take it this time because my LH level is kinda high. And it looks like my retrieval is going to be Saturday. Kinda bummed about that. Was hoping for Friday but I want it to be perfect timing so I will do it!

My results:

Estradiol 1811

LH 9.8

FSH 7.6

Progesterone 1.3

Keep the prayers coming! Another ultrasound and blood work in the morning!

Monday, September 2, 2013

Sorry haven't been keeping up to date for those of you who are checking.

Friday I had 2 measurable follicles, one on each side. That is the same as last time at that point.

Today I had 4 measurable on the left and 2 on the right.

My levels were:

Estradiol 880

LH 10.1

FSH 9.9

Progesterone 1.4

I am a tad bit bummed that there were not more measurable follicles today. Last time at this point I had 12. But she said I had a lot of smaller ones. So hopefully they catch up! I am not gonna focus too much on the number of follicles. We got 5 eggs last time from around 12. So we could still get that many from less than 12. And it doesn't really how many we get if the quality isn't good. Quality over quantity, still our motto!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Yesterday was my first monitoring appointment for this cycle. I had an ultrasound and blood work at my local hospital. Luckily this time I didn't have to spend an hour in the blood lab and be poked by three different people. I hadn't had this guy before and he got it on the first stick! He was so nice too and I thanked him for doing such a great job. :)

I am still not happy with my local hospital. Seems like every time I go there something is not done properly. Why should a patient have to call at 4:00 to both the radiology and lab departments and ask them to send my results to my doctor when it clearly states on the order for both to send them as soon as the results are done? My ultrasound was at 8:15 (the first one of the day) and my blood shortly after. I guess the results were just sitting there because it only took them about 10 mins to reach the doctor. Grrrrrrr. I believe there is no chain of command in the entire hospital. Poor management I suppose. (Side note- my little sister is having her baby there tomorrow, so they better treat her right or I may open a can on them, I got some growing frustration for the place from how they have handled my records and the constant run around they gave my grandma this summer. So ya they better be nice to her and do things right!)

Anyhow.... back to my results. I was a bit disappointed with my ultrasound. The tech only measured 2 follicles this time. That is the lowest count I have ever had. But hopefully it is just because I am early in my cycle. I know by Friday this could all change. I started my Clomid last night and will start my Follistim injections Wednesday night {ironic that it will probably be at the hospital with my new niece and other family members in attendance}. Hopefully the meds will do their job and grow nice follicles!

These were my levels:

Estradiol: 30
LH: 5.7
FSH: 18.3
Progesterone: less than 0.2

The coordinator said all my levels were good and where they should be. She said that I have a 1.5 cm cyst on my left ovary. But that it always seems to be there early in my cycle, that it was there last time and wasn't any cause for concern.

It's all in God's hands! I trust Him. I trust my doctors. And that is what will carry me through this week and next. :)

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. James 1:2-7

Monday, July 29, 2013

I started my first birth control pill yesterday. Here's the schedule for this round (same protocol as last time):

July 28th: Start birth control pills

August 20th: Last birth control pill

August 26th: Start Clomid; Start Stim Monitoring locally (hopefully it will go smoother than last time)

August 28th: Start Follistim injections, every other day until told to stop

August 30th: 1st Stim Monitoring in St. Louis

September 2nd: Back to St. Louis for Stim Monitoring until Egg Retrieval

September 6th: Targeted Egg Retrieval Date, could be before or after (last time retrieval was on target date)

Last time once I started the medication (bc pills) time started to fly by. It helped to have something to actively do each day (even if it is only taking a tiny pill). I hope that is the case this time too! I am still praying hard that this time will go just as good as last time.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Today is my due date for our baby. Our baby that was conceived with our first insemination attempt on November 2nd. We found out we were expecting on November 15th and I miscarried on November 25th. Sometimes November seems like it was a year or more ago and sometimes it feels like it was just a few months ago. I think it feels like such a long time ago because so much has happened since then. We went through 4 more unsuccessful inseminations after that, the last being in March. I had my consult with Dr. Silber in St. Louis in April. Then we spent time waiting and preparing for June 14th, my first retrieval. So to say we haven't been busy the last 9 months would be an understatement.

I haven't ever shared on my blog my experience and what took place that day, November 25th. I have never felt like I could. It's just too personal, maybe someday I will. I have read tons of miscarriage stories in the blog world, some from my close circle of blog friends. They are all horrible. They all make me cry and cringe. They all make the flashbacks come back. They all break my heart. They all make me re-live the moment. They all make me feel helpless again. These stories make me feel like it was just yesterday.

I've known this day was coming. I have thought about this day several times in the last 9 months. I have told myself I do not want to be sad on this day! I want to be happy. I want to be thankful that all our baby has ever known is Heaven. I am comforted in knowing this and knowing that our baby was surely greeted by his/her great uncle. You see Ryan's uncle, Ricky, went to Heaven just two days earlier. And I know that Ricky had the biggest smile on his face when he saw our baby. And that he introduced our baby to his/her cousins, his son Joe Derek and their baby that was born to Heaven as well. When I picture Heaven, I see him walking around with all these rug rats and they are all having the biggest time. And that comforts me.

I want to share with you the words to a song that helped me grieve and let go. I still listen to it when I need to be reminded. I still cry every time but now it is a happy cry. A thank you cry. I encourage you to look it up online or on your phone and listen to it! It is the most beautiful song I have ever heard. It is called "Glory Baby" by Watermark.

Glory baby you slipped away
as fast as we could say baby…baby.. You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby.. Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you… Until we’re home
with you…

Miss you everyday Miss
you in every way But we know there’s aday when we will hold you We
will hold you You’ll kiss our tears away When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you We will see you But baby
let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you… You’ll just have
heaven before we do You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s
hard tounderstand it ‘cause we’re hurting We are hurting But there
is healing And we know we’re stronger people through the growing And in
knowing- That all things work together for our good And God works His
purposes just like He said He would… Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE: I can’t imagine
heaven’s lullabiesand what they must sound like But I will rest in
knowing, heaven is your home And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever
know…

﻿

﻿

Every word of this song rings true to me. I believe in every word of this song. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you baby. I know you are safe. I know that you are happy. I know that you are home. I know that we will hold you one day. We love you and your four brothers/sisters!

I borrowed this image from my friend Stephanie's blog. I thank God for our friendship! He truly brought us together. She is a beautiful person and writer. I found her blog back in March, almost 4 months to the day of our loss. Sitting at home alone, I read her entire blog. You see I was still stuck in the haze at the time. I hadn't REALLY allowed myself to grieve our loss yet. But as I read her post "A Gift from God" I let go. I really LET GO! I cried and cried and when I was done crying and done reading I felt like a different person. I felt like I could move on. She too suffered a loss. At the time we found each other we were at about the same stage in the journey: no diagnosis, failed inseminations, praying for a miracle. We both finally received diagnoses, the same diagnosis and within in weeks of each other! We both learned that to have children it would take IVF. Her procedure was only a week after mine. They did a fresh transfer and now she is pregnant with twins and I am so over the moon happy for her! She is still giving me hope! So you can see why I thank God for our friendship!

I still thank God for this journey, for all the things we have learned along the way, for the way He has brought our relationship to another level, the way He has strengthened my trust in Him and for all the blessings He has given us along the way!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Today is Louise Brown's 35th Birthday! She is the world's first IVF baby!!! Can you imagine being the parents to the first IVF baby? Back then they called her the test tube baby. I guess some people still do call IVF babies that. Although it is not a tube it is a petri dish people! It has never been a tube. So if you want to be correct call them petri dish babies! It sounds so much cuter that way. :) I personally prefer miracle babies but each to their own. Ha.

Anyway I am just so grateful for the medical pioneers and the couples over the years that took the chance on this new fangled idea of IVF which allowed the science to grow and prosper for the rest of us! And thank you God for allowing it all to happen!

Robert Edwards was the doctor who helped bring Louise into the world.

I started my cycle yesterday! I have a call in to Joan, my coordinator. I am awaiting her call back with instructions! Excited!! I will post again tomorrow. Tomorrow is a special day!﻿

Monday, July 8, 2013

#1) I have been impatient. Some moments I find myself wishing my summer away. I am so ready to be back at St. Louis for our 2nd retrieval. I know it will go by faster than I think. I looked at the calendar this morning and realized it had already been 24 days since our 1st retrieval! It doesn't seem like it has been that long. {Guilty because God's timing is perfect!}

#2) I have allowed the enemy to creep in during my weak moments. Meaning I have played the "what-ifs?". What-if my embryos don't survive the freeze? What if we don't get as many or none the 2nd time? Would my embryos have kept growing if I was doing a 5 day transfer? What if I do get pregnant and miscarry? It could be never ending if I let it. {Guilty because I should not doubt God's plan or the miracles He has already created!}

#3) I have been horrible at sticking to my diet!! I have got to get back to it. It is super important to me. I still want to do the best I can do for this 2nd retrieval. I have been doing lots of research. I am considering taking Royal Jelly. (Sounds gross but it is secreted from the glands in the heads of worker bees). It is supposed to help with egg health and has a ton of other health benefits. Dr. Oz recommends it to everyone (it is also supposed to reduce and prevent signs of aging). I also need to get back to my fertility yoga! I am so ashamed of my lack of obedience! {Guilty because I should not ask the best of my doctors and my Father if I am not willing to put forth my best as well!}

Whew, I feel better!I know I don't need to confess any of that to my readers but I want to be real. I want to share the thoughts and emotions that come with infertility. I have happy thoughts too (like I cannot wait to meet one of those babies in the picture!, I hope we have twins!, I am gonna do even better with the 2nd retrieval!). I am so thankful for Dr. Silber, Dr. DeRosa, Joan, the entire staff that has had anything to do with our process so far and for those 4 beautiful blessings! I look at the picture of my babies everyday. I wonder if they are boy or girl and what they would/will look like.

We had a good 4th of July and weekend. I got to babysit my niece, Layla, all day Saturday and we celebrated my sister's 27th birthday with all of the family on Sunday. Sunday's sermon was about Abraham and Sarah and waiting! It was great and just what I needed to hear. (I don't want to sound self-centered but it made me feel like it was meant only for me and that I was the only one in the room.)

I hope some day I get to be on this side of the journey with her. I am so thankful for the blogger community, it has been the greatest coping tool for me in the last 6 months. I have encountered so many great women. I love reading all their stories and feel such a strong connection with them.

I pray everyday for all couples on the same journey as we are! I pray that God makes their empty arms full of life!

Friday, June 21, 2013

I was so happy when I got home and checked the mail yesterday!! There was an envelope from Dr. Silber's office. I knew what was inside, a picture of our babies!!! I tried to stay calm as I was trying to get the darn envelope open, I knew I had to be careful and not damage the work of art enclosed. :)

Here they are in all their glory, wonder and beauty!!

I am in LOVE!

Thank You God for these precious tiny miracles! Thank You for giving others the science and knowledge to create these microscopic blessings! They each have 23 chromosomes from mommy and 23 from daddy. Their gender is already determined too, but only God knows that right now! :)

I got to thinking last night as I was looking at this photo. How neat is it that someday we may get to show our baby(ies) this photo and tell them the story of them? And how so many people prayed and prayed for them before they were even in mommy's belly. And how mommy and daddy knew them and loved them so much, even when they were smaller than the size of the period at the end of this sentence. This is a gift. Not many people get to see their babies at 3 days old! :)

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In other news, my sister's baby shower is tomorrow! I am so excited! Kolette and I have lots of work to do, making everything pretty and yummy!

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

So we have been doing a lot of thinking over the past two nights, more so last night. I think Monday night and all day yesterday I was on a high and that was affecting my critical thinking. I just kept thinking okay everything went so well, let's do a transfer! But then logical Kandie kicked in. I called and talked to Joan and asked a few questions. I talked to Ryan and we laid it all out, the pros and cons. After talking and thinking we decided the best option would be to do another retrieval. After all this is what Dr. Silber suggested from the beginning. He is the expert. He is the one who sees patients in our situation all the time. He knows what works and what is best. I have had full confidence in him since the day we met and I still do.

Here's the facts:

Pros of a 2nd Retrieval:

Each embryo has approximately a 25% chance of implanting and resulting in pregnancy

If we put in two at a time, the chance of pregnancy then becomes 50%

If you do the math, that means on average 1 in 4 embryos make it

We only have 4, even though we are thrilled with that number and the possibility of 4 babies, there is also a possibility that all 4 will not make it, then we would be back a square one

I think it would be harder on us to move a step back, in other words if we did 2 transfers and both were unsuccessful it would be emotionally and physically exhausting to start over

If we were to go ahead with a transfer now we know we only have 2 chances

If we do another retrieval we will have more than 2 chances (if everything goes well)

It would be less stressful going in to a transfer knowing that you have more than two shots at it

What's two more months of my life at this point!

My eggs are the youngest and best they will be right now. If I was to get pregnant with one of the four embryos and then wanted another baby later that would put my eggs being 2 plus years older before I could do another retrieval. The quality will be less and so will the quantity.

Pros of Going Ahead with a Transfer:

Ryan wouldn't have to be off several days of work right at the beginning of the school year (except for the transfer day)

I wouldn't have to be off a whole week plus, just 2 - 3 days at the most (I am completely out of vacation hours but luckily I have a boss and employer who are okay with me taking unpaid leave)

If I did a transfer it would probably be at the end of September beginning of October and if I was to get pregnant I would be due next Summer, which would be convenient for a teacher's wife

It would be less money, less travel, lodging, dining, etc. (Honest I am not worried about money, but it would be less money.)

I am not sure yet when insurance will quit paying. I did fail to mention in my post about insurance that the lifetime limit for fertility coverage is $15,000. I know that there is a good possiblity of going over this amount with two retrievals plus medication for transfers. But that's okay too. I am willing to spend all of my savings for a miracle! For the first retrieval we were out of pocket my deductible plus Dr. Silber's fee of $5,000

The fee for the second retrieval is $4,000. (This is discounted $1,000 if you do back-to-back retrievals.) I am not sure if any or how much of the $5,000 or $4,000 that I will get back. Dr. Silber does not participate in any insurance networks. For out-of-network my insurance has an a seperate $6,000 deductible not counting my already met deductible of $3000. I would have met most of this with the first check of $5,000.

If I am looking at out of network coverage right, then I should get back 80% of $3,000 of the $4,000 as long as the claim is accepted. I am still not sure that it will be.

I should also mention that these fees, the $5,000 & $4,000, each include one transfer and storage of embryos for a year. The only cost we should incur at transfer would be for medications.

In other words, if it is going to take more than one retrieval for us to have our children it would be best to get it in this year since the in-network deductible is met and hopefully the out-of-network deductible will be too!

So that's it! A lot of info, a hard decision! But we have to make the choice that we are most comfortable with and I feel like this is it.

As for now, I should get my period in the next 5 to 10 days. I won't do or take anything from the start of this period to the next one (which should fall at the end of July). After I get my period in July we will know a target date. It will be either the last week of August or the first week of September. All medications will be the same. I will start birth control, Clomid and Follistim shots after my July period and we will go from there!

Now I have work to do figuring out more insurance info! One step at a time!

P.S. I love my husband so much! He is always so calm, collected, upbeat and supportive. I really believe I could not have made it this far if I was married to anyone else! God handpicked him for me! The first thing he said to me Monday night when I hung up with Joan was "Good job baby, I am so proud of you! I told you you had good eggs!" That meant the world to me, for him to acknowledge my biggest achievement in life thus far! (I know there are bigger ones to come!)

Monday, June 17, 2013

Joan called and said out of the 5 eggs, 4 were mature enough to fertilize. She said that all 4 fertilize and froze! I could not believe my ears! She said "you know you had one of those cycle that doesn't happen very often." She was so happy for us. I asked how many cells they were and she said 3 were 8 celled and 1 was 7 celled but that it looked really good!

Thank you God! You have been so good to me! Thank you friends and family who sent up countless prayers!

She asked what we wanted to do next, another retrieval or a transfer. She said that I just needed to call her when we decided. I will have to think long and hard.

But right now we are gonna go eat some pizza to celebrate! Celebrating that we now have 4 babies!!

I decided to wait! I called first thing this morning to leave a message for Joan to call after 4:00 and instructed Ryan to be home by then! I knew that if I didn't call first and she called me that I might give in to the temptation or would tell her to call back and be analyzing how her voice sounded all day. Was she upbeat or was she sympathetic?? I just really think this moment should be shared by the both of us! Whether we have 5 or 1 baby(ies) growing strong, I want us to be there together to hear about them! I am not willing to let myself believe that there will be less than 1!

Yes I am nervous, yes this day is going to drag on! I don't know what to expect. Everyone keeps telling me it is going to be good news, I hope so! I have a number that has been in my head since Friday morning, before I even spoke to the doctor. We will see if my intuition is right!? I will be ok if it is more than that number but I will be ok no matter what....

Friday, June 14, 2013

We are home! I am doing well. I am a little light headed and have a bad headache but other than that not too bad. I am so happy to be at home in my recliner. Ha.

I am so glad we got to come home today instead of tomorrow!

So what do you all think???... Should I tell my coordinator to call after work so I can be with Ryan or should I just bite the bullet and let her tell me fist thing??? This is what I will be thinking about all weekend! If it's disappointing news I want/need to be with Ryan but then also I am so anxious and that will just be that much longer to wait... Feel free to comment! I know y'all are reading! :) I have come this far... everything has been so smooth the last two weeks that it makes me nervous if I let myself think.

Side positive note: Ryan told me this morning before we left for the hospital that he had a dream we had twins, one boy, one girl. Then as we were waiting on the doctors to come in my room to send me back I was flipping through the tv channels and came along a show about twins on TLC. They were newborn, tiny. I kept flipping and low and behold I came across some channel for new moms. There was a woman breast feeding twins (one on each breast)!! (They were teaching the various techniques). Anyway as we were eating lunch (finally), Ryan's mom called and said she had to tell me something before she forgot again. She said that Ryan's sister had called a couple days ago telling her that she had a dream I was pregnant and nobody told her. When she ran into me and asked I told her I was pregnant with twins, a boy and girl!!

So do you all believe in signs?! I do, I think God gives us signs sometimes. Maybe for hope, encouragement or guidance. Not saying that we will have twins but these little things are what keeps my hope alive! And I am thankful for them!

Funny thing about another sign... The very first thing I bought "baby related" was after about two months of trying (approximately two years ago). It was a "My First Cardinals Tee" baby shirt. There it was staring me in the face the whole time! It even says "St. Louis" on it. I have looked at the thing countless times. I thought about giving it to a handful of moms that got pregnant in those two years but something inside of me couldn't let it go. I have held it and cried. I have laid it out so I would see it everyday to stuff it away a few days later. Granted I know it's not too much of a coincident since Ryan and I are such big fans. But really when you think about it, it is the only clothing item I have bought for our future baby.

Here it is, isn't it cute?!?

Well there was one other clothing item, the red Tiny Toms I bought in November when I found out I was pregnant. I was going to use them for a Christmas card announcing our pregnancy. I miscarried before I got them in the mail. When I came home and they were sitting on the steps I immediately stuffed them under my bed. I didn't even open the UPS box they came in. Ha, they could be pink or glittery for all I know! My due date for that Angel is July 26th! Wow!

Anyway I know I will open them someday. Maybe the day I find out I am pregnant. Although I may need another pair! Here's hoping, praying and dreaming about that moment!

Hope you all have a great weekend! Work buddies I will see you Monday!

Well we are done! We are actually packed and ready to leave the hotel. Once we got to the hospital we were told we could go home today! So heck ya we are outa here!

The procedure went smooth! Worst part was the iv. I am not hurting hardly at all. Just a little twinge of pain every now and then. But I've had cramps way worse! So I am relieved! I was hoping to not be in pain all day.

And for the results....... 5 good eggs!! We were happy! Of course I hoped for more, who wouldn't? Now for the weekend of torture! I pray, pray, pray we will get at the least 3 embryos. Again hoping for 5 but I'd say that never happens.

Ryan said my first words were "eggs.....eggs....eggs". Dr. Silber was there and told us there were 5. Ryan said then I started saying embryos. Ha. I took me a few minutes to come to. I don't remember saying that but I do remember hearing 5.

Anyway I want to thank you all for your prayers! Please pray for good news Monday! I love you all!

Thursday, June 13, 2013

So today was a good day. I tried to sleep in but my mind was wandering so I got up. We ate lunch in St Charles and did some looking around. I haven't been stressed at all today... But it's kinda sitting in.

I am happy the day is almost here though! I am ready to be home and see my Petie!

I have confidence that I am where I need to be and that my doctors will give 100%. Here they are, the miracle workers:

My future lies in their hands, well with the guidance of God of course! It's so nice to have complete confidence in your doctors.

I know I should be resting but I just feel like I have to stay busy! So we are headed to grab a bite to eat and to the movies!

This will all be worth it in the end no matter what happens! I feel confident about tomorrow, I hope that I am not wrong. I dread the wait until Monday. I also dread the fact they will probably call when I am at work. I may ask to have her wait until after I get home. I want to be with Ryan when she calls. I need to not worry about that yet.

Here's to tomorrow! It is kinda surreal. When I really think about I can't believe we are doing this! Thank you all for the prayers!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

I take my 1st Lupron injection at 7:30 and the 2nd at 9:30 tonight. I take my last does of Clomid tonight and I start the Indocin tablets at dinner. I will take another with breakfast and dinner tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a total free day! No injections and no monitoring! Yay!

I have to be at the hospital at 6:30 am Friday morning to check in. My retrieval is scheduled for 7:30. I will know how many eggs they retrieved before we leave the hospital. Bad news is since it will be the weekend I will have to wait until Monday for embryo results! That will be torture! But Joan assured me that I am doing excellent. I asked how many eggs she thought we would get from the 13 follicles. She said she was just guessing but that she would guess between 4 to 8 eggs! That's way better than zero to 4!

So I am hoping and praying and hanging tough! I'm sure the nerves will kick in tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

I have 6 measurable on the right now (one more than yesterday) and still 7 on the left. My coordinator still says I am doing really good. I will monitor again in the morning. She said I would probably take my trigger shot tmrw and be ready for retrieval on Friday.

So my eggs have a few more days to grow!

We really are enjoying ourselves! We have been lounging by the pool, saw a movie, did a little shopping. Now we are on our way to my friend Aubrey's house to visit with her and her little boy, Nate! I am excited, I haven't seen her in a while.

I'm still not nervous yet. I know I probably will be in the next day or two. But like I said the only thing to be nervous about is how many good eggs we can get and how many grow into our future babies!

I have been having crazy dreams and night sweats from the medicine but other than that I feel fine! Thanks for reading and praying!

Monday, June 10, 2013

We just got amazing news! I am responding excellent to the medications. I had 5 measurable follicles on the right and 7 on the left! So from Friday to Monday I went from 2 to 12! I really feel like I am on top of the world!

My blood levels were good too! My estradiol jumped way up to 717. Joan said that was excellent.

Friday, June 7, 2013

My results were good. I had one measurable follicle on the right that was 1.0 cm. (Measurable is anything above 1 cm.) And there were 6 others that were less than 1 cm. I had one measurable on the left at 1.4 cm. And 12 that were less than 1 cm! Yay! Hopefully some of those smaller ones will catch up by Monday!

She also gave me my hormone levels:

Estradiol 174

LH 10.5

FSH 11.6

Progesterone 0.8

I need to do some research on just what all this means. She said they were all within normal range. So I am happy! The only thing is she said they wanted to test these again on Sunday. Since they weren't able to get blood at my local hospital on Monday, they had nothing to compare these results to. So we are going back up one day earlier than we planned but that's ok.

We are both so excited at this point! We feel so blessed at this point in the journey! I will post again on Sunday.

Yesterday we met with Dr.Derosa. He is super nice and we feel like we are in the best hands. He has been doing this procedure for 19 years. I told him that on Monday I had 7 follicles. He said "wow and you're young." He said that if I had 7 follicles he would probably be able to get anywhere from zero to four eggs out. Not every follicle will have an egg in it. We knew that going into this there would be a possibility that they could get zero eggs. It's hard to hear but it is what it is. We won't know until we try!

We went to the Cardinals game last night. They bet the Diamondbacks 12 - 8! We had 5 home runs! Shelby Miller pitched. We got to see him get his first hit since in the majors and the next at bat he hit a home run, awesome! We didn't get any balls hit in our section like I was hoping, next time!

Ain't he cute?! He came down with his dad after we sat down. When he walked by he said "dad I thought you said when you bought our tickets that we would be close." Ha he didn't want to sit in the 3rd row, he wanted to sit in the 1st row! I told Ryan that will be our kid. He said ya if he's like his momma. :)

This morning I had my ultrasound and blood work. The u/s tech started on the right, the side that has less follicles. I asked when she moved to the left if there were still only two. And she said that she only measured one (they have to be a certain size to measure) but that she counted 6! Yay! She said she counted 12 on the left! So hopefully that means the meds are working and that I will have a chance at more than zero to 4! We are so excited, more than ever! My blood work went good too, only one stick! Everyone we have encountered at St Louis (both St Luke's and Mercy Hospitals) have been beyond sweet and so quick!

I haven't heard back from the doctor's office with my official results yet but I will make a quick post when I do. Thanks for all your prayers and support! We love y'all!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Today is my last day at work until after my retrieval! Tomorrow morning we are off to St. Louis to meet with the OB that will be doing my egg retrieval. Then Friday morning I will have my 2nd monitoring ultrasound and blood work.

I had the first monitoring on Monday. My doctor said the ultrasound of my follicle size was right where it should be. I still only had 2 follicles in my right ovary and 5 in my left. I was hoping for more this time but I guess it's better than less. They were tiny, which they are supposed to be in the beginning of a cycle. Then hopefully they grow real big!

The blood work Monday wasn't so great! I got stuck 6 times by 4 different people, almost fainted, spent an hour in the blood lab drinking juice, sitting in front of a fan and having warm towels wrapped around my arms before the supervisor of the lab finally got some (not much) blood from the top of my hand. She told me it was enough to do my hormone panels but not to test for the HIV, Hepatitis, Rubella, etc. Which I was fine with, I knew I could do it in St. Louis on Friday. But then later that day the nurse from Dr. Silber's office called and said the lab told her they didn't have enough blood to run the hormone panel. Dr. S said it was okay, we would just wait and see what my levels were on Friday. But man all that for nothing! Oh well! The lady who finally got my blood said that it was probably because I was so cold. My already extremely tiny veins were hiding. Yup I was freezing at 7:30 when I first walked in and by the time I got to the blood lab it was 9:00, so ya I was froze to the bone by then! Oh well.... just a tiny bump in the road. I can handle tiny bumps! :)

I am not really nervous yet, mainly just excited! However, I do admit this week a little anxiety has started to creep in a bit. The "what if's" have tried to ruin my day a couple of times. But I am really doing pretty good at stomping them out. I can tell Ryan is getting excited too. I am certain he worries too but I don't think he is ever gonna let me see that. He is always so positive! Last night I told him that I was starting to get anxious and of course he asked about what. Ha. I said "I don't know, like what if we don't get any eggs, what if we get some but none fertilize, what if some do fertilize but they all die, what if everything goes smooth and I get pregnant in the Fall like planned but then I miscarry." His reply "Baby we knew going into this that it wouldn't be 100%, we don't know until we try." Yup he's right! Then he said something along the lines of we have to think positive and take one day at a time. Which I really honestly feel like I have been and I really do have to pat myself on the back for that! Because after we left our first consultation with Dr. S, the whole way home I thought to myself how am I ever gonna do this without stressing, worrying and panicking the entire time. That was April 5th, two months ago! So I think I have done pretty darn good, I made it a whole two months before I let the "what if's" start creeping in. It's strange really because that is not my personality at all. I feel like I have done so much better than I thought I ever could.

And don't get me wrong I am still positive about next week. I think when you are doing IVF you almost have to be, otherwise you wouldn't get through it! That and pray and trust in God and his plan. I know this plan was designed for us. I know that we can handle this. I know that it has grown my faith, our marriage, our awareness of our health and is preparing us to be amazing and grateful parents.

Anyway back to my schedule, we should be coming home Friday after my monitoring appt. We will then have to be back to St. Louis Monday morning for monitoring again. We will do blood work and ultrasound at least every other day until the doctor says it is time to get my eggs! EEK, exciting! It's okay if you think I am crazy for being excited about being put under and letting a doctor stick a needle into my ovaries. No I am not worried about that, only about what he says when I wake up! Since people have had questions about how that process is done (I think they have trouble wrapping their minds around it) I have included a picture. The doctor will use an ultrasound probe to guide the needle into each follicle and extract the fluid inside which also contains the egg. (I wish my ovaries looked like this! Mine are no where near that full!)

After they get the eggs out they will inject each one with sperm. Like this

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Then they will be put in a dish and monitored each day by an embryologist. The goal is for each of the eggs to fertilize. Even though they place the sperm into the egg, that doesn't ensure that it will fertilize and turn into an embryo. But I am praying like crazy they all do! They will know by the next day how many have fertilized. On the second and third day they check to see how good the embryos are growing. The prayer then becomes that by day 3 all of the embryos look like the 8 or 10 cell embryo in the picture below. Those babies are a thing of IVF beauty! Hopefully if everything goes well we will get to see pictures just like these of our future babies. :) :) :)

I will try to make a quick post after each monitoring appt to keep everyone updated on how things are going. Thank you to all of you who have been praying thus far! Now is the time we need your prayers more than ever, prayers for good egg quality that turn into excellent embryos!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Today is our 4th Anniversary! I feel so blessed! God blessed me so much when he put Ryan in my life! Those of you who really know him know that I am not just going on about him because it's our anniversary and I am feeling mushy or something. Ha. He is a great person, friend, son, husband and teacher! I know without a shadow of doubt, with every cell in my body that he will be one of those AMAZING fathers too! And I am so very proud to be his wife!

He did really good!! This is the first time he has ever bought Jadeite for me. I have been collecting for a while now. I have always wanted one of these milk pitchers. They are one of the more rare objects in the collection. He told me he had told one of the teachers he is close to at school that I collect Jadeite a while back. She said her mom had some that she may want to sell. Mrs. K said that her mom was almost in tears when she let it go. But Mrs. K told her that it should go to someone who collects, that I would appreciate it more than any of them. She told her we would have it for 50 years because we were young! I sure hope so! It will be taken extra care of!

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

So things are going along pretty smoothly. I only have 7 more days of taking birth control!

I have completely quit caffeine now! It was hard but only for about a week.

I have also decided to change the way I eat. I am trying to eat lots of protein and really limit processed foods. It has been hard. I do like meat, eggs, cheese, etc. But I also like bread and junk food! I have been doing better than I thought I could. A study showed women that got at least 25% of their calories from protein had a much higher success rate while undergoing IVF. So I thought I better give it a shot and try, try, try!

So the schedule is still the same:

Birth control through May 28th
Have a period
Ultrasound, blood work @ Mtn. Home and begin Clomid on June 3rd
Follistim shots June 5th, 7th and 9th
Appt with Dr. DeRosa @ St. Louis June 6th (Cardinals game that night! Woohoo!)
Ultrasound, blood work June 7th @ St. Louis
Then probably sent home and told to come back Monday for ultrasound & blood work
Will for sure have an ultrasound & blood work every other day that week, if not everyday until egg retrieval

And for the best news we have received in quite a long while........ looks like insurance is gonna PAY!!! We are so excited. I am trying not to get too excited because I know how things can change so quickly on this infertility roller coaster. But I do feel like shouting it on a rooftop somewhere! THANK YOU GOD!! Thank you for my job that provides insurance. Thank you that I live in Arkansas, one of the states that has laws for infertility coverage. Thank you that those laws apply to my policy.

I am getting so excited about the whole process! No nerves yet. The only thing to be nervous about is egg count and egg quality and then embryo quality. But I haven't started obsessing about that yet. No point!

Kolette and I have started planning Rayleen's shower! It's gonna be super cute! I am excited to have a side project. It still seems a little unreal that she is having a baby. But I cannot wait for the little stinker to get here! She's gonna be soooo spoiled and have the best aunts ever!

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Here's the tree I got on Mother's Day. I ended up going with a red bud. It will have pretty pink blooms in the spring and has heart shaped leaves. :) I planted it close to our driveway, that way it is always there to great us as soon as we turn in. My mom said it is a tree to remember. I am so glad she encouraged me to get one. At first I thought 1} it will die in my yard (not because I wouldn't take care of it but my grandpa's sneaky cow, Carrot gets out anytime she wants) & 2} something else to mow around. Ha. But now that it is there it looks so much better, that spot needed something!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

As I pulled up my MSN homepage and scrolled to the bottom I saw this article. {Read it before you read below if you want what I wrote to make more sense to you. You will have to click through each of the 20 slides}http://now.msn.com/mommyjacking-when-moms-hijack-your-facebook-feedIt was titled "20 Moms who should stop posting. NOW" and had a Facebook photo. So it intrigued me. It gave me a good laugh. Yup there are clueless people every where! Facebook is sometimes a real downer and even hurtful to us infertile gals. Pregnant women complaining about being fat, sick, etc. Moms complaining about their children doing this or that or even having a cold. I realize the 'my child is sick, has a cold, strep' and so on is just them expressing their concern for their children. (I will insert if there is a serious post about a serious medical problem, I do always feel sympathy for the family and pray for them!) I don't use Facebook as an outlet to inform the public about or complain about my infertility either. That is what the blog is for, so that those close to me can keep updated in this aspect of my life. :) I have never been one to express every thought, worry or action that happens in my day on Facebook. I like to post exciting things, things that make me happy. I like seeing posts from people that are excited or proud of their children, pets, jobs, vacations, family members, favorite teams, etc. Every now and then I will see a post that says something along the lines of how blessed they are when talking about their child(ren). Those are the ones that really make me smile, because they are blessed! And for them to acknowledge that gives me hope. Hope that someday I will be posting about how blessed we are for our child(ren). And sometimes I want to tell some of the moms (or soon-to-be) on Facebook how blessed they are. Just simply type a comment on their negative or complaining statuses, "You are so blessed!" and nothing else. But I don't! Instead I either block their posts from my news feed or de-friend them. This is one of the many blogs I follow, wrote by a fellow infertile gal. It was a good post of what to do and not to do on Mother's Day. http://ourmisconception.blogspot.com/2013/05/no-womb-for-mothers-day-this-year.htmlI am being honest, I have been dreading Mother's Day. I know I shouldn't and as it gets closer it gets better. I am actually getting more excited about it. (Like everything with me the dreading is usually always worse than the actual event.) After all, I am a mother and I can celebrate that! I still have my mother in my life and both of my grandmothers and Ryan's mom and step mom and I can celebrate that! Thank You Lord for making me a mother to a child that is in your care and thank you for giving me so many wonderful women in my life! After reading "Hannah's Hope" my mom suggested we plant a tree for our baby (her first grand baby) in Heaven. At first I was a little hesitant. I thought that would just drag up feelings that I felt I had a good grip on. She asked again the other day if I had thought about it and I said "Ya, maybe, we will see". I got to thinking over the weekend (as I was having anxious thoughts about the upcoming weekend) that if I were going to plant a tree that would be a good weekend to do it. It always takes me a while to process things when it comes to 'our struggle'. I have to weigh it all in my head for a while before I can make a decision, little or big. Anyway yesterday I told my mom we could do it on Sunday! That is the plan as of now. Go to town with my mom, get a tree and come home and plant it! Of course Ryan will be digging the hole! His mom is also coming up this weekend and we will spend all day Saturday with her. We are going to look at houses for her and her husband, so that will keep us busy! It is going to be a good weekend after all! All that worry for nothing. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL OF YOU READING!! Thanks for reading and praying! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend! {Not trying to offend anyone by this post, if you are offended please kindly find something else to read in the future.}

About Me

My name is Kandie and I am the proud wife of Ryan. We were married in May 2009. Ryan is amazing, he is a blessing to me. We are parents to a protective little miniature pinscher, Petie. I love summer, the beach, the lake, the river, decorating, crafting and Cardinals baseball! We started trying to grow our family in the summer of 2011. We know that someday, somehow we will be parents (to not just four legged monsters) and darn good ones! Until then we will learn, grow, trust, be thankful and try to enjoy the ride!