I just had a revelation that one of the issues for me is that on some level, I still feel my mother had the right to do the things she did to me. As if it was ok for her to use get her needs met through me.

This distortion came out as I was reading several posts this morning. I don't know what else is around this idea, and I think it is something for my therapist. I think it has to do with how I see myself.

your work on yourself is bravery - I can't help thinking about the rescue people seeking to free trapped victims - and so too is the nature of our work on ourselves - trapped in guilt and denial - living with pain and variety of symptoms - waiting to be freed - and we (with the help of others) are the rescuers

your story was painful and a testiment to renewal - thank you for sharing it - posts that we make heals not only ourselves but each other -

thad

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

Thad, I believe that you are so "on target" with your observation that mx's work is a wonderful manifestation of courage. And, of course, this is a real sign that healing WILL occur....

mx, I don't doubt for a minute that you have constant conflicting feelings about this abuse inflicted by your mother. The parent-child bond is so strong...it's in every cell of your body. This is especially true when the parent is your mother. Abuse perpertrated by parents is probably the most damaging because a child is supposed to be able to count on his parents for protection and unconditional love.

I believe the support obtained from listening to and responding to the stories of other guys in this forum is a wonderful gift and a giant step forward in the healing process. By openly sharing our experiences and our successes in becoming healthier we do as Thad suggested....we help ourselves and others at the same time. Bingo!

Hi. mx, and CONGRATULATIONS to you and GOOD FOR YOU for, indeed, having the courage and dteremination to pursue your own healing and recovery. it is veyr much a courageous act, and I admire and respect you for it.

Welcome to this wonderful place and group of courageous and insightful survivors. Together, we will heal and learn not just to survive, but also to thrive and get everything out of life -- all the good, love, healing, nurturing, joy, happiness, serentiy and peace...all the good things of life -- that we all deserve!

I had a memory come back to me that originated with the thoughts I posted to start this topic.

When I was still a very young child I remember my mother telling me that my brother was having a problem with the development of his legs. She indacted that the doctor said that there was little hope. Her reactions was to tell god that if John's legs would be saved that she would never date or remarry. So she didnt.

What she then did tho, was to indoctinate me with the idea that she sacrificed herself, and that I should too. That i should sacrifice my heart and soul and body to her.

This is so painful. And for many years she would put her face right next to mine, directly in front of my face and scream at the top of her lungs. HIS LEGS!! HIS LEGGS!! HIS LEGGS!! HIS LEGGS!! I did this for HIS LEGS!!

I can't even begin to express how devastating this was to me. The message was like I was implicated in some way. I felt like I owed it to her, I loved her so much, she could just take whatever she wanted from me. Go AHEAD YOU FUCKING BITCH! TAKE IT ALL!!!

She USED ME! She lied to me. She made it seem like I did something. She made me feel so bad for being born. So guilty for everything that happened. She manipulated me to meet her needs. I see this as being willfull at this moment.

you hit on so many things that just ring for me, as part of my recovery i wrote myself a few letters over the years, one commending myself for going way beyond the call of duty for the sake of the family, for sacraficing my own life so that the family could stay together, the letter was one of commendation and forgiveness, forgiving myself for being so young and trusting, like i had a choice? Right!

I still wake up sometimes crying with this thought in my head,,,

*I did everything you asked, just the way you said too, so how come i hurt so much?*

I think your going in the right direction mx, and i wish you gods speed as you make your way down this path.

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

When I read this most recent post about your brother's legs I have to tell you...I almost lost it. I feel as though I'm going to vomit. It is just beyond my comprehension that any parent - let alone a mother - would guilt-trip and use her sons in the way you were used. I don't blame you for being angry, mx....my initial reaction was to smash the computer screen when I read that.

My heart is so heavy and I am wiping away tears. I was so blown away by your earlier posts, but this takes the cake and has put me over edge. How on God's green earth could anybody be so cruel, so sick, so desperate to use her kids in such a depraved way.

Omigod, I just want to take that little boy (who is inside you) and hold him and reassure him that he is safe. I wish I could fix it...but all I can do is to listen...and to cry with you, my friend.

I admire your resilience, your courage, and the fact that you have been able to recall these abuses. Moreover, I am so grateful to you for your willingness to share your pain in this forum.

I just want to stick my head in a drawer and scream and sob until I can't scream or cry anymore.

I
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.