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Author
Topic: I feel so sad... (Read 4036 times)

Sorry but I have to write something about my feelings. You know, I feel so sad. Maybe this helps, maybe not.This hiv thing really is a emotional rollercoaster to me. This morning I woke up and I felt so empty and sad. I looked at my kids I gave them a hugs and kisses and I wanted to cry out loud.

'My dear kids, will you see daddy fall into pieces and die without any dignity?', 'Will I be able to work the coming years to be able to pay for housing and clothing for you kids and to save money for college', 'Why this shit happened to me, I feel so guilty when I think about my kids'

I still am anxious, I still am scared as shit, still there's a black cloud above my head, still I feel sorry for my kids....

Hey Zeb, The fact that you hug your kids and care about them makes them very lucky children. The black cloud comes and goes. You'll be around to annoy them as teenagers and see them marry my friend, don't you worry. Live a healthy lifestyle and focus on them. Sorry you're sad today. I wish I were you though and had kids to hug. You're a lucky man.

What everyone is saying is right on the money. You will be around for a long time. I know how easy it is to get depressed but you have to fight it and move foward. I know its hard dude but you can do it. Best wishes.

Zeb wrote: "I looked at my kids I gave them a hugs and kisses and I wanted to cry out loud."

Wow. You made me tear up a bit. That's a tough one. Myself, I'd cry out loud and hold them in my arms all the while. They will get you through the tough spots just as you will protect them and get them through any tough spots. Yes?

Feelings are powerful things. As others have implied, this one will come and go. That's perfectly normal. I believe whatever we are feeling is what we need to at any given time. There are lessons to be learned in our feelings.

Fears and anxieties are also normal but please remember, sometimes it's a good thing we can't predict the future.

I'm glad you've told us about these feelings. Feelings come and go. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad and sometimes a mix. That's just how we're wired. Love makes us realize how much we care and how vulnerable we are to loss.

All we know for sure is that we have today. So continue to love those kids and enjoy them as much as you can. Let the future take care of itself, Zeb. By loving them and letting them know in different ways how much you value and respect them you're giving them one of the best things they can possibly receive in life. It will serve them well throughout life.

And take lots of pictures! You will all be glad to have them in the coming years.

Hey Zeb. I am glad that you are letting us know how you are feeling which takes an effort when you are sad. It's a roller coaster ride for many of us. I hope, though, given your financial concerns about your job, money for basics like housing and clothing, that you will be able to find the resources, the social workers, the support groups, people who sort out needs and find solutions to lift the practical issues from you. Best, Win

Logged

Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems. The last was published in December 2006. He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Your feelings are very real. I feel that rollercoaster too. Somedays I feel like things are getting better. Somedays I feel very drained. What sort of helps me is just to keep very busy. I know it is not great advice. But I notice that if I get out of the house and go do stuff with family it helps. I also started a Saturday job at the school where I work just so I won't sit at home thinking about it too much. Although with raising kids, looks like you stay busy enought. But I know what you mean about thinking and thinking about the future. Remember that you do have a lot of control. You can take care of yourself to help live a longer life.

I am sorry for your sadness. I think it's great that you are such a caring and thoughtful Dad. Aside from the stress, fear and worry that all this causes, life goes on and I am doing all the things I did before, and more. I do take good care of myself though.

You are going to be just fine. HIV is no picnic but at least you have a motivation to live, and that is your kids. You will be around for decades and that is what science is telling us. Just take good care of yourself and think positive thoughts. It's ok to feel sad and cry, but pick yourself up and keep on doing what you do. Sending you lots of positive energy and great thoughts for you and your family.

I am so glad you took the time to write about what you are feeling. That is so important. While it is helpful to hear you are not alone (I still feel as though I do not have a face but a giant + in its place), that knowledge doesn't take away the pain. Allow yourself to feel, to grieve, to cry but push yourself to keep going. I have a son also and it is hard to think about the future but we will make it and we will have a good no make that a great life. I have to tell myself this even when I feel like it is a lie. Know that I am thinking of you and at all the responses you received. We are all part of a new family. Feel free to contact me anytime. Hang in there.

When I found out I had HIV, I was just sure I was going to die and leave my kids....the real issue turned out to be if I could survive their teen years. I did (mostly), they did (mostly) and now I fully intend to be around for the new little bundle I've found out will be arriving.......

Love your kids. Hug them. Laugh with them. Play with them. Listen to them. Talk with them and above all else.... Enjoy them.

I have days like you describe.....they are going to happen I'm afraid. For me, the frequency of them has diminished over time...but I still have them. Usually a good cry is the cure for me. I know it's tough sometimes, but remember, you have friends here....and we are all in this mess together....tomorrow is another day.