For Mom

Anna Ledford

My Mom has been gone for eight months. It really doesnt feel like it has been that long. I still miss her everyday and the pain doesnt seem to be going away.

My Mom died from a massive heart attack at age 55. I was on the phone with her while she was having it. We were having normal conversation and out of the blue she told me that she suddenly didnt feel well. She felt nauseated and she would call me back in a minute. She phoned me back and said she was going to call 911, that she vomited and her left arm was hurting her really bad. I told her I would meet her at the hospital. I arrived at the hospital closest to her house and she had not arrived. The emergency room didnt know who she was or what I was talking about. All the while I was trying to reach her at her house by cell phone. A nurse comes and tells me that I needed to go to another hospital that they were taking her to. So my sister and I jump in the car and we go 20 minutes to this other hospital. When we arrived we expected they would tell us Mom was in the back and take us to her. Instead they had us go in to a room, I knew immeadiately something wasnt right and the nurse said the DR would be right in. He came in and said I wasnt able to save your Mom. I could not believe him. I punched him several times. I threw everything I had. I got in the floor like a baby that just had their favorite candy taken a way and I kicked and screamed. I really could not control this reaction. They kept threatening to give me a shot and I wish they would have. I eventually calmed down a little and was able to call my Dad. My sister was still in the floor.

I called Dad and that is about the last thing I remember until after the funeral. I literally have little or no memory of the next few days. I remember going to buy a black dress. I hated trying it on. It is a beautiful dress that I could never wear again. Since that night I have gone through so many emotions that I cannot describe but I am sure most of you have felt them all. I am told that depression is the last stage before acceptance and I cannot wait for acceptance. I hope I can make it that long.

My Mom was the best friend that I have ever had. I called her every single night before bed. My husband would make fun and say you better call Mommy so you can go to bed. I just had to say I love you and hear her say it to me or I could sleep. I will miss her everyday for the rest of my life and cant wait to see her in heaven. My Mom raised me by herself since I was 11 and we were so close. My sisters were already grown and I had her all to myself. We used to sing that song, So Happy to be stuck with you. to eachother everyday when I was a kid. If I was mad at her all she had to do was start singing that song and I would smile and I couldnt be mad anymore. God, I miss her. Anyway, Thanks for letting me just vent.