Narcissists Are Not Accountable

Lack of accountability is a pet peeve for sure, and also a common problem with narcissists. Although there are many disturbing factors in the personality of a narcissist, this one is tough to deal with in any relationship. It’s hard to understand. What is so difficult about owning up to mistakes when we’re wrong?

Have you ever met a perfect person who has never made a mistake? How about a perfect parent or a perfect family? I don’t think so. We all make mistakes and hopefully grow and learn from each one. Every failure becomes a significant stepping-stone for huge growth leaps in life if that is your worldview and you allow it to happen.

But, being accountable is difficult for a fragile self-esteem. For the narcissist, who has not developed a solid sense of self, and is emotionally stuck at a six-year old level, confrontation does not work well. In fact, when confronted, it is typical to see a six-year old temper tantrum that we call narcissistic rage.

Narcissists are not in touch with their own feelings. They project those feelings on to others and are not capable of empathy. They cannot put themselves into your shoes and feel or understand how something might affect you. They can only see how it affects them. They are hypersensitive to criticism and judgment, but constantly criticize and judge others. This is their way to make themselves feel bigger and better. Jealousy is common but they project it to say others are jealous of them. It makes your head spin. For those raised by narcissistic parents, it is truly crazy making.

Is this generational as some say? Can we really divide it into Gen X, baby boomer, millennial or others? Is the definition of narcissism really so shallow that it is just about “image” and people thinking they are “all that?” No. From my research and clinical experience, I find narcissism to be a deep disorder that causes great harm in relationships and can be found in any generation or age group. Of course being image oriented and “all about me” is a part of it, but the cornerstone of narcissism is lack of empathy. This is what causes harm to children, crimes against others, lack of accountability, and makes the disorder difficult to treat in therapy. It’s also why children raised by narcissists usually have little luck confronting their parents about childhood harm or problems in their upbringing. The true narcissist will not hear it. They can’t be accountable or provide empathy. They instead deny, say they don’t remember, or make you the one who is wrong for approaching the subject.

Really, who cares if some one wants to be image oriented or all about themselves if they have empathy? They might be annoying to be around or grandiose in their thinking, but if they have empathy and can care about others… this is not narcissism.

Let’s get to the heart of the matter and not discount the true significance of narcissistic behavior. If someone thinks they are hot stuff or are overly concerned about how they appear to others, that’s their problem. Who cares? What I care about is how narcissism hurts children. That’s where it all begins and then unwittingly gets passed from one generation to another. This is where the real harm lies. We see it in every age group and every generation. I call it the “legacy of distorted love.”

If relationships and good parenting matter, then empathy and deep care for others is important. Accountability must be practiced. Being human and growing from our many mistakes is what builds the foundation to a solid sense of self. Every generation can benefit in this journey.

I've been told by several narcissists that it's my fault because I "have a good memory." When I confront them further and tell them it's human nature to remember when someone mistreats you, they say I am holding a grudge. It's never their "intention" to hurt you, and never their fault. IF you dare to confront them, they will say you are making them responsible for your feelings. It's funny, however, that when their feelings are hurt, all of a sudden you're the one who is supposed to apologize.

Just like borderlines, narcissist project instead of reflect. Borderlines whine and feel sorry for themselves all the time, narcissist are domineering and expect you to obey them and put them first no matter what. Both are pretty messed up in their own way that's why they end up dating each other. Anyway, back to the point, you cannot reason with someone who honestly does not think they are wrong. Narcissist and borderlines view them-self as the victim and others as the enemy.

I strongly agree with you that narcissism is not just a generational problem, and at its root is a profound lack of empathy in an individual. These are among the most destructive people, because they construct a charming and compelling facade. An extension of their lack of accountability is their stonewalling. I love this short piece about it, and I've attached it here, if you are interested: http://www.lovefraud.com/2009/05/07/the-silent-but-deadly-treatment/

I understand that all too well. My stepmother is a narcissist and because of childhood abuse I can't for my well being be apart of her and my Dad's lives. My Dad hurts because of this but never chose to do anything about it. So, I live about less than 5 minutes away from my Dad and step mom and we aren't in each others lives. They too are okay with this. makes me sad but, like I told my counselor I did my best to be apart of their lives and for my well being I just can't do it anymore. it is sad :(

I finally made the bold decision to cut my mother off completely just a few months ago, even as an only child, when it became clear that she will never change. That and the fact that her dogs mean more than any human ever will. All three husbands have even called her a bully. She even has made "favorites" between my children and now my grand children. She tells family members lies about me, my husband and the "not favorites". When confronted, she denies it. The more I read about the narcissist the more I know this is my mother. I know I will never have a relationship with her. The article was more of a clearing of the clouds for me. I haven't felt relief since cutting her off. I don't know that I ever will. However it did lift some of the major anxiety I've been having.

When I confronted my surviving parent, he DID exactly what the books I'd read said he would do, and SAID about 85% of what the books said he might say. Dashing my last faint hope that he was not the complete narcissist that I feared. My mom was more obvious, no question there, but the more I read and the more I listen, I realize that dad was just as destructive.

I'm sad to know that so many others are in the same leaky boat. What kind of person does this to their own kids? And turns siblings against each other when they are still in diapers? I don't get it. I'm trying to understand, but I don't. It sure sounds like a serious mental illness, but they claim it is no longer considered one.

Reading these comments, it really illuminates that narcissists spend their lives causing pain. The commonalities in the stories of their victims are profound: lies, slander, being "used," callousness. They exploit the highest emotions of people. I am more and more convinced that narcissism is closely related to sociopathy.

If I'm understanding what I've read about the Hare Psychopathy Checklist, which is a diagnostic tool for determining psychopathy in forensic populations, an entire third of the HPC is a list of narcissistic pd traits.

So, all those with psychopathy also have narcissistic pd, but not all those with npd are psychopaths. I think that in order to be diagnosed with psychopathy or antisocial pd, there must be criminal activity included in the behaviors.

I'm not sure I totally understand psychopathy, but I've heard it described as the most extreme, worst possible form of antisocial pd.

Seems to me that psychopathy/sociopathy/antisocial pd/narcissistic pd is like a "spectrum disorder"

I agree. All the cluster b personality disorders seem to be on a spectrum. So little distinguishes Histrionic from Borderline, too. It all seems to be a matter of degree. The PD seems to "pick their poison."

I am an only child born to two narcissists. My father was so obviously self-centered and unable to care about anyone but himself, that my mother always appeared by comparison to be the "loving" one. Only after I married the second narcissist man, a marriage that almost destroyed me, did I return to therapy and finally discover that my mother was more narcissistic that my father could ever imagine being! I was in essence brainwashed to believe that I was born to believe that she was always right and that I was put on earth to "save" her and "serve" her. At 61 years old, I finally figured it out. As they say, better late than ever. In the meantime, she has all but ruined my relationships with my two adult children, beginning with my daughter. When I tried to simply set boundaries with her, she threw a temper tantrum that would put a two year old to shame. She has lied, broken into my house, accused me of stealing her money when I paid many of her bills for years without any thanks. I have accepted that she is incapable of ever admitting any accountability in the situation, but I now can also accept that I don't have to continue to accept the abuse. I have chosen to break off all communication with my mother.
It is frustrating to know that she is stealing time with adult children and my grandchildren by playing the victim, while continuing her old ways. I wish I could be content with just having made the decision to cut her out of my life and enjoy the peace it affords me. The truth is that I wish there was a way to make her "come clean" and confess the things she has done, not only to me, but to countless others in her life. She is quite simply put, a hateful person. I know it will never happen, but I can wish.
At least I have grown as a result of the discovery and I know I will never be like my mother. Thank God for that.

I too was raised by a mother who lacked the capacity to feel empathy for others, particularly for her two children: my sister and me. We sustained long-term emotional damage from the ongoing emotional and physical abuse. We were not loved, we were tolerated with resentment, and treated like inanimate objects instead of like living human beings with feelings.

I wish very fervently that there could be a screening test, to determine whether new parents have the capacity for normal human empathy and compassion, particularly RE their own children.

If an individual new mother (or father, but mothers are overwhelmingly the primary caregivers of their infants) fails to pass an empathy exam (perhaps with the new 3-D computerized MRI scanners, showing living human brains as they are processing information and emotions in real time, such a test can be devised that is both accurate and reliable) then any empathy-less, cold, angry, or resentful, or rejecting, or totally self-absorbed (narcissistic), or otherwise mentally ill, or substance-abusing individuals who for God knows what reason want to be a parent could be assigned a mentor or guardian to literally supervise them as they parent their children.

The empathy-less, unqualified parent would be assigned something like a parole officer or ombudsman in the form of a nanny for the children, who would be the primary caregiver and supervise visitation with the children for individuals who lack the basic qualifications to be a "good enough" parent.

Yes, this is just a fantasy of mine, and not very likely to ever evolve. But we need something that's better than what we have now which is nothing at all. Anyone: any sadistic creep, any narcissistic asshole, any con-artist, any negligent, drugged-out, child-raping monster can become a parent. If an infant is unable to bond within the first 18 months or so with at least one loving, kind caregiver, then the damage is done.

We require people to prove that they are qualified to drive a car by testing and licensing them; why can't we do that with parenthood?

Just like people show each other proof they're STD-free when dating, people should request to see their date's fMRI results, to see if they have functional empathy and remorse centers. Anyone who chooses to have children with someone without functioning empathy and remorse centers, is in for a life full of anguish, as are the children.

Those without empathy and remorse are great actors, however. So, the way it is now, many times only after the children are born, is it apparent they are pathologically selfish.

There should also be age appropriate education starting in elementary school on the markers and manipulation methods of these great actors, along with the markers of their targets' resultant behaviors, and the dynamics of abuse.

The available pool of narcissists' and sociopaths' naive targets will shrink if this is done.

I have a narcissistic mother and sister. They like to appear like they are a pillar of the community and pure of mind. They make all their decisions based on what is legal and illegal, because they can't tell right from wrong by themselves.

A year ago my mother and sister plotted and schemed to do something that was legal buy highly immoral. When I explained to them that what they were doing was very unethical, it was evident to them this was new information for them and they argued with me that since their actions were legal that the actions must also be ethical.

Once I explained to them that what they were doing was going to make them look bad, they back off and stopped. But they didn't change their ways because what they were doing was incredibly wrong and hurtful to a specific person.

Considering how many narcissists become parents, I wonder if anyone has ever done a study that predisposes narcissists to become parents. Become a parent gives one automatic control over another more-helpless human, and I wonder if this quality attracts Borderlines and Narcissists, more than it does grounded intelligent sane people.

They say that parenthood is the most selfless act one can make, I disagree. If one feels the need to control others and bully people, then parenthood is the ideal action.

I read that survey thing listed at the bottom. My mother got 100%, though some questions could be answered by "it depends on her mood", more than "yeah". I currently take care of her as she cannot be on her own and I don't have money to place her somewhere. I can't get her treated because "I'm fine". Even if she's on the floor crying, she'll deny she's even sad. The only reason I put up with it is my father was overtly physically violent and I'd rather have a griper than a smacker. The way to survive narcissism, if you choose to go that route, is to be just as manipulative as they are and convince them what you want was their idea in the first place. :P

I am 35 years old and have never seen either of my parents cry. My father would vomit and sob when he was black-out drunk, but beyond that, no real emotion except volitile anger and sarcasm and anxiety. My mother 'fake crys' during phone calls when I'm confronting her about her inappropriate behavior, or if she's pretending to have another spiritual awakening. Her mother also doesn't cry.
I take great comfort in my ability to laugh and cry...real tears, and a real runny nose and a real crumpled up face that says I am human and feeling and alive.
My point being...neither of my parents believe they are accountable for anything, which is why, I believe, they don't cry. The reality is, I know they both have had painful experiences in their lives...where does all that buried emotion go? I am also wary of having empathy for them because I think, in part, thats why I attract selfish men in relationships. At some point enough is enough.

If it is true that so much of the population is affected by some form of this, why is it so secret? Even if it was only 10% of the population, and it's much higher than that, why isn't this common public knowledge? Why do so many of us have to be in the middle of our lives or beyond before we realize what happened to us? This is a life sucking form of child abuse which often continues until the abuser(s) are dead. If this was in the media more it might be identified much earlier.

I like your poem and would like to share it. I feel for my daughters, in particular, who grew up with three divorce actions instigated by their father ... being told be his mother that "mommy(I) is going to kill you" and now, that they are young adults and have no more monetary value and little "good PR" value, as more of the truth comes out, have been told that they are adults now and not to run to him for help. Our youngest (21) bankrupted as a result of this final divorce ... and she was "scared out of the house" because he let it go into foreclosure ... determined that I will not get a dime in settlement. I know, despite what they are learning, intellectually, that I can't imagine the pain of finding your whole childhood has been a lie. I wish the Court system would get educated about the problems, because when I was "uncontrollable" to him, he would merely use legal and other actions and decimated me the first few times. As it is, I was going to clear up our daughters' credit problems (her bills are our responsibility; educations and medical bills when she was eighteen but still in high school) but now I am unable to do that. And he still calls them and wants rides to medical treatment, when his girlfriend can't take him.

I loved a narcissist. I still do, but differently. I pity her. She needs help, the kindness of devotion and real love that I offered her. Intimacy she wasn't able to accept. We are apart now and I think of her often. She is not a monster, not evil, just lost. Alone, frightened and scared presenting a facade that the child cowers behind.

I love her. I am not afraid to say that, nor afraid of her any more. She can' hurt me, but she only hurts herself. I They need pity and love. Not demonising, they will never be free, never happy. Never content,

I agree that it doesn't matter if someone is all about themselves...it's the lack of empathy/accountability that is damaging to even adult children of narcissists. I love Karen on Will and Grace, and she's very self-centered but also hilarious and lovable (and she doesn't want people to know, but she does have empathy and a soft heart). Narcissists aren't lovable. They love themselves so much once you see their true form, loving them is impossible for me. I've known two Ns. My ex-friend and my grandmother. I can't handle the stuff with my grandma anymore. She changed me with her abuse. Also, every time she acts like she's doing something nice for someone, I always find out later she's doing it for herself. Even the littlest things are all about her. And yet she plays the "love" card to get out of the gutter. Also, you can't tell her she's doing it only for herself. She'll insist you don't know anything. No one is allowed to be angry at her for anything...but anger is a typical human emotion that comes with being too close to someone. It's how you handle the anger that either makes love complicated, better, or destroys it altogether. Refusing to validate your children's feelings is the best way to make sure they don't care about yours.