The Osbournes "Holy Matrimony Ozzman" Season 2, Episode 10 recap

The Osbournes - Episode 10

The Family of Darkness has decided to let us in on a very special day, a renewal of wedding vows for Sharon and Ozzy. Sharon, in an odd twist, wants to have a Rabbi perform the ceremony because her father is Jewish. This raises questions among some of the family members, namely Ozzy and Kelly. Kelly feels that Sharon isn’t Jewish because her mother isn’t Jewish and the family hasn’t been raised Jewish. Ozzy says that he’s not Jewish, and adds that “Sharon’s got crucifixes coming out of her ass”. Sharon replies with “Madonna’s Jewish, anyone can be Jewish if they want to be. And, my husband is circumcised”. Ozzy then wants to know why he’s spent 8 million dollars turning his house into “the small f***ing Vatican in Beverly Hills. She’ll probably have stars all over the f***ing place now”.

Later on off in another room, the topic turns to Jack’s eyebrows. Sharon wants him to get them waxed because he looks like “a f***ing Persian carpet salesman”. Hmm, so that’s what they look like. Jack counters with a typical teenage response “I’ll do it later”.

Jack introduces his “friend” Angelina to Kelly and fired drummer Sara, and I must add that Angie is quite hot. Oh how I wish my dad was a rock star, this just isn’t right. Kelly wants to know why she is hanging with Jack, and for once she and I are on the same page. While Kelly and Sara ponder this stupefying situation, Kelly informs us that Angie used to date one of Jack’s friends. Sara says that’s typical of him, as he likes leftovers. I think they’re just jealous, because I know that I am. Jack and Angie are shown going up to his room as soft, sexy music plays in the background.

Sharon talks about finding random girls in Jack’s room, and wonders if she’s running a brothel. Later, she goes to his room looking for him and finds the trash barrel overturned. As she bends down to stand it up, she notices a condom wrapper and turns to Minnie and asks “did he use it on you”. Like I needed that visual. **shudder**

As they get ready, Oz and Sharon talk about the upcoming ceremony. She tells us that they didn’t get to spend the night together when they were originally married because he passed out in the hallway, and pissed himself. “I carried him over the threshold” she claims. Ozzy, typically, is not overly excited. “It’s rather light” he deadpans, “f***ing wedding”.

We are now treated to Jack’s views on dating. He says he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and doesn’t like girlfriends because they “involve too much”. He claims to have a couple of girls “in heavy rotation” and says “I’m a man-whore”. Various clips are shown of him hanging out with some really hot girls, and I’m deeply disturbed now. I really hope they’re not doing him.

Sharon and Jack discuss his lack of a girlfriend and she thinks that he should be settling down now. She wants him to have a wife, a house, and some children of his own, no doubt in an attempt to get him to suffer like she has. He says that he gets bored easily and just because he makes more money than most 35 year olds, doesn’t mean he is 35. He does have a point though, because he is still a teenager after all.

Ozzy is preparing himself, and for some strange reason decides to shave his chest hair. He then puts down the clippers and opts for wax. Sharon cracks that he should have his testicles done, and he goes to drop trou before laughing it off. Oz is amazed by his shaven chest and claims that he now has the chest of a 21 year old. And for good measure, he sings a few bars of “no more pubic hairs”.

Well, the big moment has arrived. We see various guests start to file into the hall as workers take care of last minute details. Sharon marvels at the many decorations and flowers as we cut to a shot of Ozzy sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. In a voiceover, Oz says that he’s not drinking and has to be on his best behavior. He is then shown downing a few glasses of wine. Well, maybe he meant beer and hard stuff.

Oz, Jack, and the Rabbi make their way to the front of the room and wait for Sharon and her father to walk down the aisle. By the way, Sharon looks beautiful, stunning even. The ceremony gets under way with the Rabbi explaining that in Jewish tradition wine is a symbol of joy. That causes Oz to exclaim “I knew it! I like this guy”. After the “I do’s”, Sharon recites her vows which bring tears out of both of them:My darling Ozzy, for 20 years you’ve been my life partner. We’ve shared joys, sorrows, triumphs, and tragedies, and everyday with you in my life is a blessing beyond my wildest dreams. Thank you for who you are, for all you have given me, and for all that we will share together everyday for the rest of our lives. I love you more than any words, any vows, and any poetry could ever capture. I am privileged to be your wife, and thank you for my babies.
With that they kiss and break the glasses. It was quite touching.

At the reception we see Oz downing cocktails, so much for not drinking. Just when you thought you’ve seen it all, these people spring something else on you. This time it’s the Village People. Yes, those Village People. Apparently, this took place on New Year’s Eve, and they’re part of the party. While “Macho Man” plays in the background, we get clips of Jack kissing various girls and Oz kissing various guys, including his guitarist Zakk Wylde and the freaky Marilyn Manson. In a funny clip, Oz insists on kissing Manson on the lips which causes him to say “hey, no tongue…Sharoooon”.

Later on the during the “entertainment”, Ozzy reaches up to place a bill in the lovely lady’s attire and promptly falls off his stool in what looks like slow motion. Sharon meets up with “Special Guest Star” Justin Timberlake and gasps “oh my God you’re so f***ing handsome I can’t stand it”. To add further embarrassment, she rubs his chest and says “look at this boy, oh my God, please marry my daughter”. He’s a good sport about it and laughs it off while complimenting her. Don’t count on it Sharon, I’d be willing to bet that Kelly is pretty far down on his list, if she registers at all.

More clips of the Village People and a bunch of others dancing leading up to the countdown. During all this hoopla, Sharon is looking for Ozzy and finds him passed out on a couch in one of the back rooms. “This is how we spent our first wedding, only he was in the hallway” she states, “twice in my life I think I’m going to get some and he’s out”.

The show closes out with a rather pointless segment in which some woman wins the door prize. I have no idea who she is, but she did get a diamond necklace and earring set valued at 15 grand. Hey, not too shabby for just showing up.

I would like to seriously thank MTV for going light on the Kelly footage this week, this is how every show should be.