Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
~ Funny Birthday Messages by Jack Benny ~

Someone you know has a birthday. Did you buy them a present - or create one for them?

Yes, you did? Good, now all you need is a great message to go with it.

No, you didn't get (or create a homemade) present for them? Well, writing birthday
greetings is one of the best (and cheapest) ways to give someone a heartfelt (and cheap) present that you can be sure (you hope, you cheapskate) that they will like.

(Actually no one likes a cheap present, oh wait, some do, but no one likes a cheapskate, oh wait, no, sorry, no one likes a cheapskate, but a lot of good folks probably like you in spite of you being a cheapskate, if indeed you are - all the more reason to make your birthday wishes creative, fun and personal).

Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.
~ Funny Birthday Sayings ~

While birthday wishes and messages may or may not be the best thing that you can give them, you may find that they will come to appreciate some sincere, funny, foolish, or heartfelt birthday
greetings. It may be an investment of your time, but no matter if you have a present for them or not, it will still be something nice that you can do ... and you know what? Time doesn't always equal money, time can also equal love!

And if by some strange coincidence you DID buy them a present (or decided to go with homemade gifts), adding birthday messages is a great idea. But it DOES matter what KIND of birthday message you come up with.

Everyone knows of the most traditional birthday greetings that you can write for someone, stale lines like:

Happy Birthday!

Congratulations on another year!

Greetings on the day!

May this be the best year yet!

While these birthday greetings are usually fairly sincere, they are present on almost every store bought birthday card (the boring type, not the humorous birthday cards), and so most people get bored, or even pretty sick and tired of these same-old, same-old birthday
greetings, and you too will realize just how stale they can get if you write them on birthday cards year after year (or if you are on the receiving end of them).

In order to be sure that you are not seen as a boring person or bore the pants of the person having receiving the birthday messages (unless of course you've always secretly dreamed the other person would dispense with the pants), it is important that you change things up every year. Here are a few alternatives:

First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. Exactly how far along the process are you? Happy Birthday, Whats-yer-face!
~ Funny Happy Birthday Birthday Greeting ~

I know you have a birthday, but as a true friend I have no idea of your age, I just know you're young and wonderful!
~ Funny Happy Birthday Sayings ~

We all grow older and wiser all the time, but you ... you've got the smart without looking the part!
~ Funny Birthday Greetings ~

Tips for Writing Birthday Messages

In order to be able to write a good birthday message on a birthday card for a friend, you may consider learning a bit about creative writing.

You don't have to start writing a novel just to be able to write birthday
greetings or make hilarious birthday cards, but it is important that you follow four basic steps:

1) Don't be boring and write the same thing every year

2) Do be funny

3) Come up with something original (never seen before; at least not by the recipient)

4) Don't be boring and write the same thing every year

It may look like the four tips are actually three, but you have to remember that #1 is so important that it is placed there twice to pound it into your head.

When you sit down to write birthday greetings, you may forget what you wrote last year on the person's birthday card. Thus you will end up writing the same "funny" line for the "hilarious birthday cards" that you give each person year after year.

The recipient of such 'funny birthday cards' may eventually come to dread your birthday cards, as they thought the joke was mildly funny only the first year - or two - and after that it just got tiresome. Here's a tip: Some people actually keep track of what they wrote to whom. If you don't, just get creative every time. Like this:

It's your birthday and I can't be there
But I'll send you a special birthday wish and a little prayer
Have a happy birthday
I hope that all of your birthday wishes come true
May you have a great time today and find happiness in everything you do
~ Funny Birthday Poems and Birthday Verses ~

Or this, which is slightly more nasty:

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. So when you act like you refuse to even admit you have a birthday that makes you really special.
~ Funny Birthday Greetings ~

So, no matter if you're organized or not, you'll want to write something different every year (no, changing a single word or two doesn't count). If you don't know what to write, it is important that you find a way to get creative. Learning about creative writing means learning how to activate your brain and get creative with it.

Or, it means finding original stuff on websites like this one, and perhaps combining and mixing that stuff up in new and creative ways. Look for a few sources of inspiration (like this page and the other birthday pages on Quotescoop.com) to help you come up with something that is funny, witty, creative, and original.

How to Warm Up to Write Funny Birthday Phrases and Humorous Birthday Cards

If you are going to start getting creative, it will require more than just a dictionary and a list of birthday messages like:

Happy Birthday, Buddy!

Have a great year!

Wishing you all the best this year.

Congratulations!

While these lines are definitely old classics, note the words "old" and "classic" that indicate that these birthday wishes are definitely about to kick the bucket (kind of like that 56' Bronco that you, if you're a guy, have in your garage and your spouse desperately wishes you would get rid of).

They have been used so many times that they have actually worn a groove into computer screens, and you will find that there are few birthday cards that don't feature some amalgamation of those words. For example:

Birthday happy!

Have a great birth today!

Wishing you all the congratulations this best!

Best you all the year!

Buddy congratulations!

May this be the best year yet ... and congratulations on buddy being happy to celebrate young dreams to be a special, perfect old party of wonderful!

Yep, it can be tiresome to see the same words used over and over, but you can use them as long as you ALSO use something else, as well. Like this, for instance:

Best Birthday, Big Bad Beautiful Buddy!
~ Funny Birthday Greetings ~

Wishing you a year filled with the same joy you bring to others!
~ Funny Birthday Phrases ~

Happy Birthday form the heart
'Cause that's where all great wishes start
~ Funny Birthday Poems and Birthday Verses ~

You may think that all this seems like a lot to go through just to write a few birthday
greetings, but it is much better than suffering through a fake smile someone plasters on their face as they get the same Cuddly Birthday Bear card for the 15th year in a row, right?

So, instead, get out your favorite joke or funny book (Dave Barry is usually magical), and start reading some of the funnies. Spend just a few minutes warming yourself up before you even try to compose those new, unique birthday
greetings.

To warm up you can also use such as the funny birthday quotes from some of the greats:

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
~ Funny Birthday Quotes by Sir Norman Wisdom ~

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
~ Quotes about Birthdays by Charles Schultz ~

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
~ Funny Birthday Quotes by Larry Lorenzoni ~

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
~ Quotes about Birthdays by Lucille Ball ~

They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
~ Funny Birthday Saying ~

Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.
~ Funny Birthday Quotes by Tom Wilson ~

You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.
~ Quotes about Birthdays by John P. Grier ~

These humorous birthday quotes can help to inspire you and give you some great ideas of things to put on your birthday card.

Plus, laughing a lot will also help to make your handwriting kind of squiggly, and there is a chance that it will come out looking like elegant calligraphy (okay, so maybe you don't need to hold your breath about that one).

After the Warm-up

Once you have warmed up with reading some birthday humor, it's time to get down to the hard work of drinking a bit of alcohol.

(Please skip this step if you are underage, part of AA, a Mormon, or someone who just shouldn't or don't like to drink).

Yep, that's right. Trust us when we say that writing birthday messages with a bit of beer or wine in you is always a lot more fun, and the resulting
messages - or birthday speeches - are always a lot funnier (at least for you).

Of course the person who receives the speech "Beer is 6% alcohol and BLEAAARGH …" as their birthday present may not be too thrilled with the extra care you took to make it special. In this case, just a single drink (or maybe two; three if you're very large) can be just what you need to get your mind whirling (it will definitely be spinning even if not from inspiration).

If at some point during your creative drinking binge you reach the point where you're stumped because the bottle opener won't make the screw-top top come off, it's time to stop. Odds are you won't be writing anything creative, or indeed anything at all. Not today, and certainly not tomorrow. Consider just writing ...

People are like red wine ... Some turn to vinegar, but you just improve with age.
~ Funny Happy Birthday Sayings ~

... and leave it at that.

Getting Down to Brass Tacks

Now that you have warmed up your hand by opening that bottle, your sense of humor with the funny birthday messages, and your mind by pouring alcohol into it, you are ready to actually get down to the even harder work of writing the birthday message.

Of course, right about now you probably realize that you have forgotten a pen and paper, so take a moment to go do that.

Now you're back, and you're ready to write. What the heck comes next?

Ah yes, the birthday message. Get out your paper and your pen, and start doodling on the paper to come up with some ideas for funny birthday
greetings. Maybe write down the three funniest birthday jokes and/or funny birthday quotes so you have a starting point.

Then, combine. Mix. Stir up those birthday jokes or birthday quotations to make a new one, never seen before.

Either that, or you can just run to the store and purchase some humorous birthday cards from the stationery section. No, we don't mean for you to use those birthday cards directly, not unless you have to.

Once you have gotten your birthday cards, look at the funny messages on the cards, and let your brain run wild as you try to mix them up and think of some weird, fun, crazy things to write. Like maybe:

Happy birthday to you. Look forward to a fun future with friends. Oh, and I'll try to make it when I can.

Things That You Should NOT Write

Writing the wrong birthday message is almost as bad as forgetting a birthday present (you forgot didn't you?!), so be careful of what you actually put on the card. Write a rough draft first. Or, even better, several rough drafts.

The card you end up with should probably be mildly (or: very) funny, but it shouldn't say something that is too offensive - depending on the recipient, of course. Your birthday messages can pretty much say whatever you want, but be wary of straying from the sarcastic and funny territory deep into the slanderous and offensive territory.

Here are some funny birthday greetings you should probably NOT to write on your birthday card:

Your birthday again? Dammit, why does this keep happening year in and year out?

Having a birthday again? Careful about doing that. If you do it too often you may end up cashing in your chips!
~ Provocative, Funny Birthday Greetings ~

Man, I can't wait until you finally croak, Grandma, as I REALLY want that inheritance!

I got this card and wrote this stupid message because my mom made me.
~ Provocative, Funny Birthday Greetings ~

Remember, offensive is not the idea (unless you are actually trying to offend, and, if so, it may cause you to wonder why you're invited to the party anyways. ARE you in fact invited to a party? If not, you may want to reconsider your choice of birthday messages).

Relax and have fun with writing the card, but if you hate writing and you took our not-very-healthy advice about having a drink, don't let the alcohol or your annoyance dictate too much of what you are going to write. The idea is to be funny, but be wary of trying to be too funny (and, of course, of telling that same old joke over and over again every year).

Another thing to keep in mind is that throwing together all the principle "birthday words" (i.e. happy, congratulations, wish, best, etc.) is not going to make a stellar birthday card. You need a little extra. Sort of like this - or not:

Now that you know what not to do (though in all fairness you probably didn't need to be told what not to write, but we had fun writing all that stuff), it's time to get down to the things that you actually SHOULD include in your humorous birthday cards and funny birthday messages.

Things That You SHOULD Write

Writing great birthday messages has a lot to do with being honest, loving and sincere, a lot to do with being slightly funny, and, barring those too-close friends with whom you are constantly being offensive anyways, it has nothing at all to do with offending the person.

Birthday cards are all the same
That just seems an awful shame
But this one's different from the start
Since it traveled from the heart.
~ Funny Birthday Poems and Birthday Verses ~

If you are going to poke fun at the person who is suffering through another year of stale birthday cards and completely unwanted birthday presents ("Oh, look, another woolen sweater! I'll treasure this and wear it always despite the 110 F Arizona heat!"), make sure to do it in a way that they will actually come to enjoy.

For example, why not consider adding or adapting some of the following messages for the happy birthday card you are struggling to write:

You are a blessing in disguise, my friend.
~ Funny Birthday Greetings ~

I will stay with you forever and ever, or at least until the birthday cake is eaten.
~ Funny Birthday Phrases ~

Thank you for these 10 years of friendship, and for the 20 years of acquaintanceship.
~ Funny Birthday Greetings ~

You used to jump off the couch, jog five miles and end with a snack in the kitchen. Now you use a short cut to the kitchen. Happy Birthday Old Timer!
~ Funny Birthday Message ~

You have always been there for me, even when I really didn't want it.
~ Funny Birthday Greetings ~

You can always lean on me, but I may lean back (and I weigh more).
~ Funny Birthday Message ~

These are all hilarious birthday greetings that you can add to your birthday cards, and you may just be able to find a great card that has the exact illustrations and pictures that you need to make these birthday messages unforgettable. If not, you can also make one yourself, using birthday clip art - or even make a drawing of your own, for a totally unique birthday cards. Can't draw? Who cares? It's the thought that counts!

Remember, tailor the message to the person who is getting the card. Your 5 year old will have no idea what it means to be "over the hill rather than buried under it", while Grandma may not understand the Snoop Dogg-themed birthday cards.

More Birthday Humor

Birthday humor is always a lot of fun, and there are in fact people who make a living from providing it (yes siree, being a professional writer of greeting cards is a job you can aspire to!) ... which is why so many people buy the funny birthday cards at their local grocery store or some such place.

They're funny in a professional way, or some of them are.

(We saw one that, on the front page, asked how you make an idiot accept a postponement and on the inside answered 'I will tell you later').

But if you find that you (and the recipient) enjoy a better laugh from something unique and homemade, here's some more birthday humor you can use - directly or for inspiration:

Scientists have found a strong correlation between the number of birthdays you have and your life expectancy. Here's to your growing life expectancy!
~ Funny Birthday Wishes ~

Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece?
~ Funny Birthday Quotes by Bobby Kelton ~

Losing some of your visual acuity as you get older is nature's way of hiding all of the wrinkles that you would see when you look in the mirror.
~ Funny Birthday Message ~

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
~ Funny Quotes about Birthdays by Henry L. Mencken ~

It's not about age, it's about attitude.
~ Funny Birthday Message ~

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
~ Funny Birthday Quotes by the Reverend Larry Lorenzoni ~

Life has got to be lived - that's all there is to it. At seventy, I would say the advantage is that you take life more calmly. You know that 'this, too, shall pass!'
~ Funny Happy Birthday Quotes by Eleanor Roosevelt ~

Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.
~ Funny Birthday Message ~

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.
~ Funny Birthday Quotes by Claude D. Pepper ~

We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.
~ Funny Birthday Sayings ~

At times is it seems that I am living my life backward, and that at the approach of old age my real youth will begin. My soul was born covered with wrinkles - wrinkles that my ancestors and parents most assiduously put there and that I had the greatest trouble removing.
~ Birthday Quotes by Andre Gide ~

I want to be an artist
To paint pictures just for you,
So when each birthday comes around,
I can send you quite a few.
~ Funny Birthday Poems and Birthday Verses ~

My heart is like a singing bird ...
Because the birthday of my life
Is come, my love is come to me.
~ Cute Birthday Quotes by Christine Rossetti ~

And the last one our funny birthday messages comes from Lewis Carroll's 'Through the Looking Glass' (the sequel to 'Alice in Wonderland'), where Alice is taking to Humpty Dumpty, and she says:

"I mean, what is an un-birthday present?"
"A present given when it isn't your birthday, of course."
Alice considered a little. "I like birthday presents best," she said at last.
"You don't know what you're talking about!" cried Humpty Dumpty. "How many days are there in a year?"
"Three hundred and sixty-five," said Alice.
"And how many birthdays have you?"
"One."
~ Birthday Quote by Lewis Carroll ~