11/11/2016

Put it to Bed

Story Sent in by Michael:

I was walking with Ria on a first date out together. We passed a trashed queen-sized mattress and box spring on the side of the road. To my surprise she paused and looked at the mattress then walked around it and examined it from every angle.

She asked me, "Can you help me carry this to my car?"

"An old mattress? Really?"

She said, "Yeah. I'm won't sleep on it or anything. I just might need it for parts."

"Parts? Like to replace your arm with it?"

She said, "For an art project."

Ria was an immigration attorney. Up until that moment I had no idea that she did art projects. I asked her if her car was big enough for it and she said it was. She led me a few blocks away to her parked car. It was a VW Beetle.

"That won't fit a mattress," I informed her.

"Well let's try," she said.

We drove over to the mattress and despite my assertions that it wouldn't fit she asked for my help to try and fold it in. As predicted, nothing we did would make the Beetle grow large enough to engulf a mattress. What was really gross was that she really pressed herself up hard against it to try and force it in.

Nothing worked. She said she had an ex with a pickup truck who could come by to help her out. I was growing tired of the "date" at this point and told her that I'd probably go if we didn't give up on the mattress.

She said, "I want it for an art project. If you want to leave, whatever."

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