Wednesday, September 10, 2014

I am really struggling lately. I'm being triggered all over the place. And the negative things that keep running through my head...well it's that bitch again. But she's doing a number on me. I'm in a really bad place mentally and trying hard to get myself out of it.

There is this one mirror in the classroom that I work in. And every time I walk past it, I see 257 pound Karen. I see cellulite. I see big arms. I don't see anything I feel proud of. I don't know what's happening. I feel like I was stuck at a weight and switched things up in an attempt to get myself out of the plateau. And I gained 10 pounds. I don't know if it's muscle weight or not. I have no tools to figure that out. I have no scale. I have no trainer. So I have switched it back because I'd honestly rather be stuck at the 10 pounds less. Why is it you always end up wanting what you had? I have been working to eat healthy food and clean up my diet where it needed a little cleaning. I know I don't always get it right. But I try to get it right most of the time.

I don't know if I'm just feeling badly because people are so fit here that I feel like I look worse then I really do? I don't know if since no one here knows me and I don't get any sort of external feedback, I'm making up my own ugly dialogue? I have to figure it out. I know I do. I know it's not good for me to start back with the self hate stuff. I'm throwing it out there because I could use some support. And historically when I stuff these feelings, well let's just say nothing good comes of it.