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Adulthood Sucks

Here’s something they don’t tell you when you’re growing up—adulthood kind of sucks. Not like in a “I’m unhappy with my life” way, just in a “those bills are in my mailbox AGAIN this month” sort of way.

I was just unprepared for this. You’re going along as a starry eyed child and then suddenly you’re thrust out in to the real world.

All the shows I watched growing up of “adults” were of people just sitting in coffee shops or bars. Um, I almost never have time for that. Based on the story I was sold as a child I should be married to someone I can barely tolerate, have a white picket fence, live too close to his family and have a job I complain about constantly but never go to. Also problems should originate and be solved in 30 minutes. We had a verbal contract, world. You lied to me.

Nobody tells you about the panic when you are looking at your bills and your paycheck and you realize those numbers don’t match. Where was that word problem in math class?

[If Susie owes $600 in rent, $200 in
car payment, and $500 in utilities
and other various expenses, how many
months until she has to sell her kidney?]

That is a practical lesson that I would have liked to have learned.

And along those lines, maybe all classes in school should be more tailored to churning out functional adults. Maybe science shouldn’t be mandatory; that class should just be saved for the one kid whose actually going to become a doctor. The rest of us could spend that time learning the hard truth that you can either have a job you love or a job that pays well, but very rarely both. English class, that one I’m thankful for because this blog is better than therapy. (In therapy you don’t get good feedback from your friends).

When I heard the philosophical dilemma in psych about “Would you steal medicine to save your dying child or spouse?” I didn’t realize that they were actually preparing me for crappy, unaffordable healthcare. Forget that, I have ways of staying healthy on my own:

Grown up life just looked so glamorous.

Now, there were things growing up that I anticipated being a much bigger problem. And even though I haven’t encountered these things I feel like I have found their real life counterparts. Let’s see if you agree:

Poison apples- I thought haggard old women would constantly be giving me poison apples. Turns out no. The real life counterpart to poison apples, though, is cheap food which is also poisonous. You can eat healthy but it will cost you a fortune. Meanwhile, Ramen Noodles cost .10 cent and they will actually kill you.

Spells- Occasionally a witch was supposed to put a spell on me that put me in a suspended sleep. Hasn’t happened yet but I’m not ruling it out yet. The real life counterpart for this one: coma. But remember, healthcare sucks. Enjoy.

Anvils falling from the sky- I haven’t seen this or a coyote chasing a road runner. But the real life counterpart is homeowners insurance because though anvils don’t fall, trees do and they love to have their fall cushioned by your roof. Homeowners insurance, car insurance, renters insurance, health insurance, insurance insurance. Boo.

Now clarification: my life is pretty great and I’m very happy. It’s just not what was presented. Shame on you world, that was false advertising. You tricked me, you sneaky little jerk.

I wish I had known all those years ago. I wouldn’t have taken my nap time for granted.