Monday, April 21, 2014

If only we had replay review for our lives

A version of this column first appeared in The Dallas Morning News and on DallasNews.com. Please check out the site.

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It’s pro baseball season
again, and starting this year, the umpires don’t always get the final say. Replays
can now be used to review questionable calls, such as a close play at first
base, a tight tag at home or someone eating an entire Choomongous in the
stands.

Actually, that last one
doesn’t require review. If anyone goes solo on the Rangers’ new ballpark
offering, a two-foot-long barbecue sandwich named after outfielder Shin-Soo
Choo, that’s clearly a bad call. Prepare for some serious seventh-inning
strain.

Other situations in our
lives, however, could benefit from instant replay. And now that baseball has
joined the other major sports in using replay review, it seems like a good time
to consider the wondrous possibilities of our own personal replay reviews.

I know, it’s a pretty sci-fi
hypothetical. But haven’t we all wished that we could apply the indispensable
computer “undo” command to our lives? Even if we couldn’t use it for dramatic
changes, such as saving someone’s life, what if we could at least review and
undo our questionable actions of the previous 24 hours?

Well, it's colorful.

I’ll start with this:

Personal replay review would certainly
take some of the boom out of the tattoo-removal industry. There’s nothing wrong
with a well-planned tattoo, but an undo function would lead to a sharp drop in
biceps cartoon characters, lower-back butterflies and inspirational messages
that you notice are misspelled while standing in line at the water
park.

* * *

The replay review doesn’t
even need to stretch 24 hours. Simply getting to roll our lives back 10 minutes
for a second look would save us a lot of pain and embarrassment.

Ah yes, upon further review,
I see the date went bad when I said “I usually don’t go for your type.” And right
there, when I was going on that political
diatribe on Facebook, oh I wish I could take that back. And right there, if I could only go back and
silence my phone before it interrupted the job interview with a “Sexy and I
Know it” ringtone.

You know those times when you
wave to someone and then realize you don’t know the person? Personal replay
review can scrub it away. You can do the same for the moments when you aren’t
sure whether to shake hands or hug and end up in an unaffectionate half-hug.

I’d like to erase the awkward
scene when I was at a mall play area with my kids and another parent started
talking to me. As I was responding, the mom looked to the side and I realized
she was talking on the phone. Something like that has happened to me twice,
actually. I really, really need personal replay review.

* * *

More significantly, we could
review the times when our emotions get the best of us. We’re an impulsive
bunch, and with personal replay review, we would have less regrets. We would
avoid the mistakes that hurt family and friends and spare ourselves from the
times when we aren’t ourselves, such as when parents begin fighting at a
little-league baseball game.

That would be a painful
replay to watch. But if you had the chance to review it, to get a third-person view
of your behavior, you would see a picture that’s clearer than any high-definition
television. You might never need personal replay review again.

But of course, this is all
hypothetical sci-fi. When I was in third grade, I was promised that we would
have flying cars in the future, and I’m still stuck on the ground – and in
traffic. Personal replay review can’t even get on the runway because of a pesky
little thing called the space-time continuum.

So I think we’re just going
to have to make the calls in real time, just like the umpires. They can go to
the review, but we’ll have to live with the consequences.

That’s why it’s best to take your
time on the really tough calls.And when eating the Choomongous.

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