Everything seemed strange with Kat tun. The group was
under a tremendous amount of stress. Everything with the group seemed to
change. Jin had left the group to study overseas. Jin had always been the one
that binded the group together. Now that he was gone, KAT-TUN seemed to be
pulling apart at the seams.

The person who had been the most affected by Jin's leaving
hadn't been his lover Kame; instead it had been his friend Ueda Tatsuya. There
was a great secret between Ueda and Jin. No one knew exactly what it was. But
now Ueda began to relive it again and again. There was something wrong with
Ueda. Everyone in KAT-TUN knew it. The rest of the group covered for Ueda. It
was for the good of the group if no one knew that Ueda was having mental problems.

Taguchi Junnosuke was having another sleepless night. His
concern for his lover kept him from going to sleep. For he knew that if he
slept, he would be woken by Ueda's night terrors.†

Still sleeping, Ueda began to thrash around in the bed.
Junno knew from experience that the best thing he could do was let him sleep. .
The Night terrors had begun the day Jin left the group.† Two days later, the flashbacks had begun.
They were always of the same thing, of an attack that Ueda had witness when he
was only thirteen.

Ueda sat straight up in bed, his eyes open, but not
seeing.† Junno knew he should be used to
the night terrors, but he wasn't.†
"I can't walk Jin!" another pause. "You can't die! You're
my best friend, you promised you wouldn't go away." he begged.
"Please, don't kill Jin." he screamed again.† "I can't move with you on me."
Another scream. "Don't shoot me again!"

Junno had been told before not to wake Ueda up, but the
dream had gone on longer then it usually did. He gently shook Ueda.
"Tat-Chan, it's all right, you're safe."

Ueda's eyes focused on his lover. "I was shot."

"It was a dream." he tried to soothe. "It
didn't really happen."

Ueda's hand went to the scar on his upper leg, then to the
scar on his back. "It's healed, I don't understand. I got shot, Jin's
uncle got shot. Jin, is Jin?"

"I don't know." he said truthfully. "I
think he's in LA."

"Is he dead? I have to know." he said confused.
"He landed on me after being shot in the head. He wasn't moving..."

"I won't," Junno promised. He took Ueda into his
arms.† Then he stroked his friend's hair,
until he fell back to sleep.

He watched Ueda sleep. Ueda had once seen a man killed.
The official story was that the man died in a traffic accident. Jin now
wondered if the official story was a fabrication made up by the agency. Ueda's
night terrors were always about Jin's uncle being shot. Junno knew that Jin had
an uncle that was killed when he was a kid. Both Jin and Ueda had scars that
they wouldn't explain. Were the scars from being shot? Or was being shot only
part of a terrible nightmare?

Junno knew that Ueda needed some serious help. Ueda might
not forgive him, but he had decided to try and get his lover some help. It
might destroy their relationship, but if it helped his lover, it was the most
important thing. Perhaps eventually, Ueda might understand that Junno was doing
this because he loved Ueda.

***********************************

Ueda Tatsuya was going through a great amount of pain. His
song writing partner had left to study abroad. He felt as if he had been cast
into a bottomless pit. Repressed traumas of childhood were beginning to haunt
him. The gunshot scars had begun to hurt.†
He used to go to his friend during the bad times. Jin was the only one
that understood. They had been victims of the same attack. Ueda, Jin and his
uncle had been caught in a middle of a gang war. Jin and Ueda had been shot,
Jin's uncle killed.

Ueda knew what was wrong with him. It was post traumatic
stress syndrome.† He had been diagnosed
with it when he was thirteen. He could still remember the hospital that he was
sent to make him better. It was a horrible place. If anyone knew that Ueda was
sick again, he would have to go back. He wished he could still take the
medicine that he used to take. Ueda had stopped when he joined the agency. He
knew he would be fired if they knew he was ill.

There was no one to turn to. Now there was no one that
understood Ueda's nightmares.† At first
Junno had understood. His friend was always tired. He never smiled at Ueda any
more. What was even worse was the fact that Junno was too tired to love. They
hadn't loved in over two weeks. Ueda realized that if he didn't do something
quickly, he would loose his wonderful Junno.

It was the night of Junno's birthday. Ueda was excited. He
hoped that everything would be all right during dinner.† Junno would smile at him again. Then take
Ueda into his arms and give him the love he so craved. He just hoped that he
didn't have a flashback during the diner.

"What do you want us to do?" Maru asked Ueda.
Maru and Koki had dropped by, to help Ueda to make the evening perfect.

"Can you fix the table?" Ueda asked. "The
stuff's on the cabinets."

"Sure," Maru grabbed the table cloth and passed
it to Koki. The friends put the table cloth on the table. Ueda tried to concentrate
on the cooking, but it was hard. As Maru put the plates on the table, Koki came
behind his lover, and began to nibble on his neck.

"Koki-Chan, we're supposed to help Tat-Chan,"
Maru reminded him.

"Come here," Koki ordered. Maru turned in his
friend's arms and they kissed.

Ueda fought down a pang of jealousy. He wished that he was
as happy as Koki and Maru were. But something had gone terribly wrong in his
relationship with Junno. He knew there was a good chance that they would break
up. Some how he had hurt Junno again and again, without fully understanding
why.

†Ueda looked back to
his friends. Maru now working on cleaning the living room. Ueda wasn't sure how
the apartment always seemed to get filthy. He had used to love to clean, but he
had been so tired lately, so it hadn't been done.†

He began to clean the kitchen, putting away things. Koki
came into the kitchen and began to clean.

"I know we're busy, but we can't afford to live like
this." Koki told him gently.

"Gomen na." Ueda said. "Until Jin left, we
shared a maid."

"It's harder to clean on your own." Koki agreed.

The rice cooker turned to warm with a click. Koki's eyes
went to it. He suddenly looked very hungry.

Koki had gotten to the point were Ueda wondered if there was
something wrong with his health. His eyes were now large. His cheeks sunken.
Koki seemed to be always hungry.

"Koki," Ueda asked. "I need your
help."

"Sure," Koki looked at him.

Ueda filled a bowl full of rice, and then he put some of
the shrimp he was preparing on top of it. "I'm not sure that the food I'm
cooking is seasoned correctly. Can you try it for me?"

"I'm not supposed to."

"It's all right, I won't tell anyone." Ueda
smiled.

Koki picked up a pair of chopsticks. Then he began to eat.
He was so hungry that he gulped down the food. Then he put the empty bowl in
the sink. "That was really good."

"Why aren't you eating?" Ueda asked concerned.

"I've been put on probation." Koki admitted.
"When I told Johnny-sama I wanted to be free, he let me. I didn't know how
bad the probation would be."

"Have you told Maru?" He saw Maru standing in
the door way.

"He knows I'm on probation, but not the terms."
Koki looked sad. "I can't let him know all the terms. If he knew, he would
leave me."

"He won't hear it from me." he promised.
"When was the last time you ate?"

"Two days ago." Koki admitted. "I'm only
given 10,000 yen for my weekly food budget. Yu-Chan wanted to go out. I love
him so much, I couldn't deny him."

Ueda refilled Koki's rice bowl. Then he passed it to his
friend. "Eat."

Maru came into the kitchen. "Rice! Can I have
some?"

"Sure," Ueda fixed him a bowl.† He passed it to Maru.

"Thank you Tat-Chan," Maru looked into his eyes,
and Ueda knew it was more then just the rice. "For everything."

************************

Junno finally returned home. It was almost nine. He hated
being an idol for he had always worked on his birthday. In the past, the group
had always had a party on the memberís birthday, no matter how late they
worked. But the parties had always been organized by Jin, and now that he was
gone, there were no more parties

Ueda had spiraled into mental illness.†† Junno desperately wanted to help Ueda. But he
didn't know how. So he did the only thing he could. He went to Ueda's mother.
He told her everything he knew about Ueda's behavior. How the post traumatic
stress disorder had flared back up after Jin had left. He knew that he was
betraying his lover, but his friend's sanity was on the line.†

He had begged Maru to stay with Ueda for most of the
day.† Maru agreed that it wouldn't be
good to let Ueda be on his own. Maru promised to watch Ueda, but he had plans
at seven.

Kame had wanted to take over from Maru at seven. He
promised to watch Ueda. But Junno had refused. Kame probably would have brought
his PM with him. The man at one time had abused most of the members of KAT-TUN.
Even if he didn't bring the PM, he still didn't want Kame near Ueda. Everyone
else trusted Kame, but Junno didn't. They didn't know that his friendliness was
only an act.

"If only Jin were here."† Junno thought for the thousandth time.† He would have stayed with Ueda. There was a
bond between Ueda and Jin that Junno had at first been very jealous about. Now
Junno realized that the bond was the thing that glued the group together.
Without Jin, there was really no group.

That was one of the big changes in Ueda. He no longer
cared about himself. Junno had to be the one that forced him to shower and
shave every day. This day he had to leave early, so Ueda hadn't had a shower. .
Maru had promised that he would make Ueda bathe and clean up his mess.

When he arrived, Junno realized that while the apartment
had been cleaned, Ueda hadn't bathed. Ueda hair fell in limp clumps. He wore
the same stained clothes he had worn the day before. He was badly in need of a
shave.

†Ueda looked at
Junno, but didnít smile. "Happy birthday."

"Thank you," Junno forced himself to smile. He
just set down his things in a corner. He went to Ueda and kissed him chastely.
His entire body craved for him to pull his lover into the bedroom and make slow
love to him. But he had to hold himself back. Ueda was sick. It wasn't good for
him to take advantage of someone as ill as Ueda.

"Have you eaten yet?" Ueda tried to increase the
kiss, putting his arms around Junno. "I made dinner for you."

"No, I haven't eaten yet." Junno tried as hard
as he could not to pull away from his boyfriend. He had a body odor. .
"Let's eat first."

"Great!" He enthused. "Please sit
down."

Junno decided to give in. It was his birthday.† Perhaps they would be able to have a pleasant
night without a flashback. He sat down at the table.

****************************

Junno had to admit that the dinner was good. He wondered
how much Koki and Maru helped make it. Ueda seemed different. He was almost
like the Tatsuya Junno fell in love with. But he didn't smile, didn't call
Junno butterfly. Still, Junno was glad that his friend was at least trying to
be sane.

Then suddenly Ueda was staring into space. His eyes
unblinking. It was almost like he was frozen in time. A flashback, his lover
was having a flashback. Junno went to Ueda's side of the table and quickly
moved the knife off the table. During his flashbacks Ueda had the tendency to
grab knifes. He went into the kitchen and put the knives in the sink.

He went back into the living room. He knew he couldn't
leave Ueda alone when he was like this. His friend was still at the table, a
package now sat on the table. It was small, unwrapped.

"Where did you go?" Ueda sounded lost.
"Suddenly you were gone."

"I thought I smelled something burning." He
lied. He ushered Ueda to sit on the couch with him.

"I can't accept this." He said truthfully. He
set it on the end table.† "Until
you're well, I can't take your present."

"I'm not sick."†
Ueda snapped. "I'm the same as I've always been. The only things
that have changed is you!"

"The man I love is being taken away from me."
Junno realized that he would have to talk to Ueda about his illness.† "There are times you look at me, and you
don't even know who I am."

"When does that happen?" he demanded. "It
doesn't! You're making up things about me!"

†Junno took a deep
breath. "Tatsuya, I know youíre going to hate me forever for this. But I
had to get help for you."

"I don't need help!" he insisted. "I'm
sane! I'm not crazy!"

"I talked to your mother about you." he said
softly. "There's a doctor who can help you."

ďTo get help I have to go to the hospital!" Ueda said
near panicked. "I won't go back to the hospital!"

"You probably won't have to go to the hospital."
He tried to calm down Ueda. "At least talk to him."

†"Why, why
would you betray me?" Ueda jumped to his feet. He ran to the front door,
he was so hysterical that he couldn't open it. "What did you do to this
door?"

Junno went to Ueda's side and tried to guide him back to
the living room couch. Ueda fought against him. His right hand made contact
with Junno's arm, scratching Junno deeply. Junno could feel blood dripping down
onto his shirt.

"You betrayed me." Ueda screamed. "You're
making me go back to that place! I want to break up with you!"

"Tat-Chan...."

"I hate you!" His fist connected with Junnoís
cheek. Then he ran to the bedroom and slammed the door.

†

As Junno stared at the closed door, Junno realized he
would never be able to look at his birthday the same again. It would always
remind him of his loosing Ueda. His wrist was bleeding, he didn't care. He let
the blood drip onto his shirt.

Junno went into the rest room and cleaned his hurt arm.
The scratches were fairly deep. He would have a scar. The alcohol stung as he
disinfected the wound. He took a gauze bandage and wrapped it around his
arm.† Junno then looked into the mirror;
his left cheek was red from Ueda's punch. He would soon have a bruise from the
punch.

Junno then went back into the living room. The place
looked lonely without Ueda. A tear rolled down his cheek.

Junno looked at the box still sitting on the table.† He opened it. Inside was a gold chain. They
had once talked about exchanging chains if they have decided to become
committed. The chain had a small charm on it, of a butterfly. Before he had
gotten sick, Ueda had always called Junno his butterfly.

There was a small piece of paper in the bottom of the box.
In Ueda's handwriting it said. "I want to spend my life with you. I love
you so very much. You're my world. Love Tatsuya."

Junno prayed when Ueda was well, he would understand why
Junno betrayed him. Junno hoped that in time he would even forgive him. He put
the bracelet on. Perhaps Ueda would realize when he saw it, that Junno hadn't
given up on him.

There was a scream from the other room.† Then a sick almost inhuman thud. Junno ran
into the bedroom. His lover was on the floor. Ueda was covered in blood. Ueda
was bleeding from his left wrist; a knife was still in his right hand.

Ueda always fainted at the sight of blood. Now he had
fainted at the sight of his own blood. Ueda's blood made a puddle beside his
wrist.

Junno realized that Ueda had tried to kill himself. He
pushed the thought out of his mind. He had to help his lover. Junno took his
handkerchief out and tied Ueda's left wrist. Still his friend bled. He took off
his belt and put it around Ueda's wrist. Then he pulled it as hard as he could.
The bleeding stopped.

He picked up the knife and threw it as hard as he could
across the room. Then he checked his lover's pulse, it was very faint.

He knew he should call the agency first, but Ueda could
die. Instead he called for an ambulance. Then he called his PM.

Ueda's eyes flickered open. His eyes tried to center on
Junno. Then horrified, he looked at his wrist. "Why am I bleeding?"

†"I don't know,
I can't remember." He gasped. "It's just like before, I can't
remember."

"Don't' try to." Junno tried to soothe.

"I'm cold, so cold." Ueda said very softly. His
lips had begun to turn blue.

"Let me warm you." Junno took a blanket and
covered Ueda with it.

"The cold is taking me over." he murmured.
"I'm falling into a bottomless pit."

Junno lay beside Ueda; he pulled his lover close to him,
holding him in his arms. He could hear Ueda's breathing which was very shallow
suddenly stop.

Junno quickly pulled away from Ueda, checking his pulse.
Ueda had one, but it was very faint. Dead, was his lover dead? He put his head
on Ueda's chest. His friend had stopped breathing.

†He closed his eyes
for a moment, trying to remember that Hakada he did in 2002. They had taught
him CPR during it. He opened his eyes. He began to give his lover mouth to
mouth ressesutation. He breathed into Ueda's mouth, and saw his chest rise.
Then it fell. Junno thought for just a moment that his lover was breathing, but
he didn't take another breath. So again and again he breathed for his lover.

Long minuteís streched by as the only sound in the room
was Junno breathing for Ueda, and the sound of the air exhaling from Ueda's
lungs. Still no matter how hard Junno tried, Ueda didn't breathe on his own.

The door bell rang. Junno ran to and answered it.
"He's not breathing!"

"Who?" The paramedic
asked.

"My lover, he cut his wrist." he showed the
paramedics to the bedroom.

One paramedic checked Ueda's vitals. "He has no
vitals."

"Please, try and save him." Junno tried to keep
the desperation out of his voice.

Two paramedics began to give Ueda CPR.† Junno stood by helpless. Ueda looked so small
as they worked on him. A third paramedic handed him papers, but he was to upset
to fill them out.

"What's his name?" the third paramedic asked.

"Ueda Tatsuya." Junno said.

"His blood type, what's his blood type?" the
third Paramedic asked.

"It's B."

"Who tied his arm?"

"I did, I tried to stop the bleeding."

"Clear," The first paramedic ordered. Junno's
eyes went to his lover.† The first
paramedic had two paddles like things attached to Ueda's chest. There was a
hum, then Ueda convulsed.

"Nothing," The first paramedic checked Ueda's
pulse. "Clear." Again the paramedic tried to start Ueda's heart.

Junno began to pray for Ueda. He knew Ueda didn't believe
in anything, but it made Junno feel better. That left Junno to stand on the
side, watching the paramedics work on Ueda. It seemed like they worked on his
unconscious friend forever.† Junno's PM
arrived, though Junno was so concentrating on his lover that he didn't know
exactly when

"We've got pulse! Get him to the hospital."† One of the paramedics ordered.

They put Ueda on the stretcher. They began to strap him
in. They moved very quickly. Soon they had hit a lever in on the stretcher
raising the stretcher so they could push it.

.

†"Can I come
with you?" Junno asked.

"Of course you can." The third paramedics said.

"Out of the question." His PM snapped.
"Just think how it will look in the press if it got out that you went to
the hospital in the same ambulance with your lover."

"I don't care." Junno said truthfully.
"Tat-Chan needs me."

"We'll follow the ambulance in my car," the PM
said gently. "You'll only be in the way in the ambience."

Helpless, Junno watched Ueda being wheeled out of their
apartment. He wondered if this would be the last time he saw Ueda Tatsuya
alive.