EYNESFORD & FARNINGHAM
DANGEROUS SPORTS SOCIETY

Sponsors of the Farningham Lifeboat Crew

Report on the recent rescue operation.

It was with great excitement that we at the Eynesford & Farningham Dangerous
Sports Society watched the unfolding drama as the Farningham Lifeboat Crew were
involved in the recent rescue of a group of unfortunate immigrants from Dartford
who had attempted the dangerous crossing from Franks Hall to the heart of the
village at the Lion Hotel.

Those poor wretches could no longer stomach the appalling conditions foisted upon
them by the situation in their home town and decided to up sticks and, despite
all vicissitudes on the journey up the Darenth Valley, attempt to find a new life
in the golden pastures of our environs.

Eschewing the 415 bus route due to the irregularity of the service and not wishing
to run the gauntlet offered by the extremely arduous route via Swanley (having to
cross the windswept wastes of the Top Dartford Road and somehow avoiding the stronghold
of the bandits at the Lullingstone Castle) the small group of desperate refugees
employed the services of a people trafficker in Dartford (named locally as one Bob
Occasionally-Ill) who drove them to the Lakes at Horton Kirby packed in an airless
white van and deposited them there with an out of date fishing permit. A handful
of lilos had been provided by a contact from Farningham (gossip suggests that
this might be Sir Arthur Street-Greebling who was hoping to employ the wretches
on his flint farm) and the poor unfortunates were then crammed onto the flimsy
vessels and cast off with only the barest of directions "Just head upstream."

It was late at night when they passed the Fighting Cocks, hugging the south bank
to avoid the lights from the revellers in the garden of the pub, then they pushed
on westwards. Dawn found them at Frank's Hall and they hid under the bridge
until darkness fell once more. Then it was time for the final effort, a desperate
sprint under the cover of darkness, to cover the final stretch under the M20, past
the cattle gate and into the sunlit uplands of Farningham Village itself, and maybe,
who knows, a chance to cross into the golden pastures of Eynesford.

But the Darenth is a fickle stretch of water, with currents, shallows and rocks
that only the most skilfull of pilots can hope to navigate. One of the vessels
was punctured and it's occupants found themselves ankle deep in the very midstream
of the raging torrent, and, in a desperate attempt by the other members of the
party to rescue them, the other floating mattresses overturned depositing all
and sundry into the foaming waves.

Then Lady Luck intervened, the witch operator of the Farningham Lifeboat Crew
happened to be out counting sheep ticks and he saw the desperate plight of the
refugees. As he'd forgotten to carry his emergency hailing device it was some
time before he burst into the Lifeboat office at the Chequers in Farningham to
deliver the news but as soon as he had the assembled crew, and many of their supporters
from the EFDSS, raced out to effect a rescue.

Their efforts were somewhat hampered by the arrival on the scene of officers
from DDAPS (supported by private security men from DVTF who had been bussed in
from up river) who were demanding to see all licenses and permits and who seemed
incapable of differentiating between rescuers and those being rescued. After calm
had been restored, the DDAPS transport (suspiciously similar to that which had delivered
the refugees to the Lakes) retrieved from the river and the DVTF security men released
from their waterwings, it was noticed that the refugees had vanished into the
night, nonetheless the operation was considered to be a great success.

It is regrettable that the legal advisors of DDAPS have decided to prosecute
the Mechanic of the FLC for illegal fishing, we are sure that his perfectly reasonable
excuse that the fish must have swum into his pockets whilst he was attempting
the rescue of immigrants, whose very existence has been called into question by
the suspicions of small minded individuals, will eventually be upheld in court.