Questions like “Why Am I So Sad?” should be answered with a bottle or with a rope. This is a simple maxim and, as usual, millenials are fucking it up.

Now everyone knows how we here at freefootballscholarships feel about millennials. We hate them; we want to beat them up. These no-value children with their Microsoft Zunes and their jello pudding pop be always trying to entitlements never work lazy and gay but back in my day well things were different.

That sentence explained everything in a clear and succinct matter.

Now, it’s easy to entirely blame millenials for the way the world is today. I’ve done that before. Millenials, like Michael Bloomberg and Ted Cruz, are a big part of the problem. But millenials aren’t doing this on their own: the big pharmaceutical companies are propping up millenials so they can do maximum damage.

The natural emotional response to the obsequious meaninglessness of the millenial life is suicide. This is the body’s natural response to a wasted life. Due to Obama’s war on the heterosexual family unit, Millenials lack strong big-dick role models to model their lives behind. So, they choose to follow a darker path: choosing liberalism, fidget spinners, and deviant sexual behaviour. Personally, I’ve met up with hundreds, maybe thousands, of very young millenials on an App called Grindr and I can confirm that the shit these bears are into is fucking disgusting. Jesus wept.’

So, millenials live these lives profoundly devoid of meaning, and instead of ending it like real men they go to nerd doctors and talk about how they’ve lost interest in activities, how they suffer from fatigue, how they feel overwhelmed and hopeless, and yadda yadda whine whine whine.

Now, in the golden years if a Doctor heard this dumb fucking shit they’d just beat up the patient and tell them to man up. This would generally end the whining. This is what Greg Gianforte was doing when he so nobly body-slammed the depression out of that reporter. This is how mental health issues are actually cured: with substantial physical or emotional abuse to the extent that the root issue becomes buried in the distractions of your new existence. This is how men deal with problems and is a big part of the reason why Mark David Chapman is alive and flourishing today.

But what do these nerd doctors (presumably Jewish) do instead? They don’t treat the patients, that’s for sure. They advise therapy and prescribe medication.

Why do they do this? It’s dumb!

Simple, Zionist Pharmacists have taken control of the medical industry, and are forcing doctors to follow these flawed practices. All the good, heterosexual doctors (Ben Carson, Rand Paul, Donald Trump) have left the business and are now passionately advocating for change. The doctors that remain, however, are all-too-willing to follow the lead of big pharma, prescribing fake cures that only ensure that millenials will come back for more, spending more of their parents’ trust fund on miracle cures that will never even pretend to work. I don’t know about you, but I didn’t give my child, Gary, a trust fund so he could spend it. I gave Gary a trust fund so he could go murder exotic animals with Eric Trump. Gary tried to go see a doctor, once, so I locked him in the dungeon of a dungeon. This is what real parents do.

So, big pharma has encouraged Nerd Doctors to make up a variety of ailments to describe regular real-life activities. Instead of “excited” we have mania. Instead of “the vapours” we have tuberculosis. Instead of “shy” we have generalized anxiety disorder. Instead of “hysterical” we have third-wave feminism. Instead of “sober” we have depression.

And, of course, each disorder comes with its own corresponding medication. We have things like amitryptilline and Ativan and lithium and whatever. These are basically fake made-up jellybeans Big Pharma gives to millenials to fake-fix their (generally likewise fake) problems.

This is a big part of why B. Hussein Obama brought out Obamacare. He saw the big profits that Big Pharma was making at the expense of the American people and wanted a piece of the pie. So, he conjured up Obamacare so he could get a sweet slice of that Millenial trust fund money. Disgusting. So What Can We Do?

Well, suicide rates are rising in America amongst firefighters and hopefully that trend continues across all millenial demographics. That way the situation can sort of self-correct itself with minimal fuss.

Thankfully, Totally Heterosexual Not Gay At All President Trump is currently hard at work (WITH CHICKS, NOT DUDES) repealing Obamacare so the government will no longer force unworking candy medications on patients with fake made up problems anyways, forcing those patients to walk it off and man up to fix their problems. This is great. And for the ones that won’t, Greg Gianforte is out in congress body-slamming nerds. Things look great.

We should also ask what we can do as parents to make sure our children don’t become millenials. Now, I expressly condemn child abuse, but I know when Gary finally worked up the courage to talk to me about his ‘depression’ (as if, Gary) I burned him real good and it left a nice scar for him to look at the next time he ‘gets sad’. Since then, Gary hasn’t even talked to me at all and, despite his best efforts, he has not escaped. Problem solved!