3D printer used to create plastic psychopath

The world's first gun-toting maniac created using 3D printer technology has been publicly unveiled and will be released into the community next week.

The synthetic psycho is the brainchild of American law student Billy Bob Eagleburger of Austin, Texas. It will undergo a test-run next Tuesday afternoon when it will be armed to teeth with an arsenal of 3D printer generated weaponry and let loose in a local shopping mall.

‘Once it was possible to print a 3D plastic gun it was the next logical step to print a 3D plastic serial killer,’ explained Eagleburger, who now plans to publish his blueprint on the internet. ‘I don’t see anything wrong with it,’ he said. ‘We live in a free society and it’s the constitutional right of every American to download and print their very own self-assembly sociopath.’

‘I recognise that in the wrong hands a gun-wielding killer might be used to harm other people,’ he admitted, ‘but the important thing to remember is that 3D printed guns don’t kill people. 3D printed psychopaths with 3D printed guns kill people....No, hang on. I haven’t thought this through properly. But just because it doesn’t make sense isn’t a good reason not to put it out there.’

Liberals are already calling for tighter regulations on 3D printer ownership, with proposals being drafted to restrict the use of automatic and semi-automatic printers, plus a seven day waiting period for anyone thinking of buying a replacement cartridge.

However, Wayne LaPierre of America’s newly formed NPA (National Printer Association) defended the freedom to print psychopaths. ‘The Second Amendment clearly gives every American the right to defend himself by pressing Ctrl P’, he said. ‘America would be a safer place if every man, woman and child had a plasticated gun-wielding maniac by their side.’

But, just as LaPierre was defending the right to print arms, the National Guard was already being called to Washington DC where a rogue 3D printer had gone one stage further and begun printing endless versions of itself.

‘This is the nightmare scenario,’ said a visibly shocked President Obama. ‘Once the 3D printers start printing copies of themselves, there will be no stopping them.’

Some great lines as usual but, like Sinnick, I feel there could be a better ending. Maybe something about 3D printed guns working for a while but then start jamming? (Like the time I tried to print out a 3D reggae musician). I'm sure you can do better.