The 28th…

The 28th of September is my parents wedding anniversary. This year makes 51 years. My dad forgot. The last time he forgot a holiday my mom bought a $20K show horse. She said she wasn’t going to do that today. Makes me think of what it would have been like to have celebrated mine and William’s anniversary next month. We were newlyweds when he died. Next month would be 2 years of marriage.

Yesterday I took off his wedding ring and put it with my good jewelry. I had it on the same hand as my wedding rings and the band was starting to bend. I don’t want to mess it up. All day I keep feeling for the ring and rubbing my finger. It’s white where the ring was from laying out in the sun. I haven’t taken it off since he died. I feel nauseous just talking about it.

I don’t know when or if I’ll take my wedding rings off. I’ve read a lot of articles on the subject and everyone has their own spin on things. I thought about maybe having them made into one ring, but he had wanted me to upgrade my ring and I know what he wanted me to have. It’s not like it had sentimental value to him, I guess. But it does to me.

When will I feel as though I can make it through a day without breaking down and feeling like I have to hide how I feel? It’s a personal thing and as far as I know it could go on the rest of my life. Maybe I’m not supposed to fall in love again. Maybe he was the one, but he was needed somewhere else and had to go. Maybe it was decided before he ever was born.

I know he loved me with all his heart and soul. I have no doubts. He knew the same from me. We used to say, “I love you infinity x infinity x infinity x infinity plus 1”. We’d always try to outdo the other. It was fun, it made us laugh. He called me Cica. Pronounced “Teetsa” means kitten in Hungarian. He lived in Hungary for a while. So, the morning he left this earth, he sent his favorite picture of the two of us and underneath it, “I LOVE YOU CICA!”. This was his suicide text to me. I just didn’t know it. He walked in the kitchen just to make sure I got it and that was the last time I saw him alive.

The days and nights are not as dark as they were in the beginning. I think I got a sign today. I went to church, which I don’t do a lot of, and I went to the bathroom. When I closed the door, there was a scripture on the back, Jeremiah 33:3 ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know’

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31 thoughts on “The 28th…”

This made me cry 😦 thanks for sharing, I think all of your readers can learn a lot from your strength. I wish it would have been different for you but I can just pray that it gets better and that the pain slowly fades into something like a beautiful memory one day…

You know, the image that immediately came to mind when you said they were different was that of two hearts, with the smaller one half-in and half-out of the bigger one. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it’s one idea.

Oh…. God.. This is so sad. I’ve got a bad knot in my belly when I think about you, I hope you are okay. I know that sounds stupid. Of course you are not. But Within the scope of things, you are okay, sometimes. Did the SOBS get back to you?? I’m thinking of you, and I think you are writing so well, it’s a fascinating read! Xxx

Hmm.. That’s so weird, it didn’t use to be an issue whether or not one believed in god. Ah well.. That sucks. I was hoping they could provide u with some good reading material. They helped me and my friend a lot.

Published by Cica

My husband William, at 7:58am, on August 26, 2013 shot himself with a 45 mm black talon bullet. As I reached above him to turn on the light, I looked down. I was standing in blood. His blood, he had shot himself in the head. I went into shock and that’s where I’ve been.
I suffer from bipolar I, PTSD, IED, borderline personality disorder, among other things. Shortly afterwards, I was brutally, bitten, beaten and sexually assaulted. I was left to die, but I survived.
This is my life path journey...
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