Despite the fact that a significant slice of Portland-based bands are going out of town for the All Roads Festival this weekend, there is STILL an epic fuck ton of shit happening all around town. I’ll be in Belfast covering the shit tomorrow, so if you’re around hmu on fb or text me or some shit and let’s see a show. K, let’s just get right into this, time’s a wasting!

Friday May 20

Do you watch a lot of cooking competish shows? I sure as fuck do. Top Chef and The Great British Bakeoff are the premium shit, but I’ll take some Chopped or Master Chef if I gots to. Fine, Cutthroat Kitchen if shit’s real bad, but Alton Brown is basically the worst and I want to punch him all the time and everywhere. Anyway, you know those times when the sad sacks on these shows bring their plates up to the judges and the judge is like, “this is a big old mess, you tried to do too much, there are too many ingredients on this plate.” Right, those times? Is this show one of those times? Maybe? I keep hearing about all these musicians who are playing this thing along with the four bands and one special guest already on the bill and it feels a bit overstuffed, like a Hot Pocket that got stuck in the stuffing room for too long and is now leaking bits of congealed beef stew from its seams.

As you, fair readers, know all too well, I enjoy social dancing. Congress Square Park has a Latin ballroom dance on this fine evening from 6-8pm.

Full of Hell // Clean // Sire // Sterling Black // Scrotal Tear at dBasement. I’d like to take a moment to give a shout out to Jon Morse, who is basically like, the best at promoting his shows for Last Mercy Emissions. Why? Because there are descriptions of each band, with links to their web site. Why is this important? Let’s consider for a moment what it would be like to try to google the music of a band named “Clean.” The normal tricks wouldn’t work - clean music, clean band, clean portland, etc. turn up pages of entirely unrelated google results. Anyway, so Jon links to all the bands (I love that) is constantly promoting all over the internet for the bands with whom he works, many of his shows are affordable, chem free and all ages (like this one) which makes music more accessible to everyone, and the unholy marriage of Preacher’s Fire with all of this just makes Last Mercy Emissions a pretty comprehensive community resource. Maybe aggressive music isn’t your thing, it’s not really mine either, but I think he does a lot for our music community and I got mad respect for you, JMorse! Hey, go to this show!

Tall Horse, Buddusky and Accidental Seabirds at Bayside Bowl. This is two Portland bands playing with a band from New Jersey. A band from New Jersey! They make those there? Look, I feel like this is as fine a time as any to say to you all, with fully sincerity and without a trace of irony, that if given the choice between JBJ and The Boss? JBJ every time. Yeah, you heard me. I love JBJ, don’t even care who knows it, bro.

Ladies Night @ Geno’s. This is not what you think it is. When I hear Ladies’ Night, all I want to do is like, go home and curl up on the couch and watch cooking competitions because a ladies’ night is like, a thing specifically engineered to use women as bait - by offering them free admission or half priced drinks or whatever, to draw men into a bar or club, who will then, theoretically, buy stuff. But I don’t know, you guys, I get like a rapey vibe off of ladies’ nights in general. Plus, Geno’s would never just have a ladies’ night. What even is happening here. Anyway, The English Muffins and (new? I guess?) Maine bands Burr and All Quiet Ire are opening for Mass. act Carissa Johnson.

Saturday May 21

The All Roads Music Festival is up in Belfast on Saturday and seems to offer up every working band in Portland that isn’t too hard/glitchy/undergroundy, with three headliners who I guess are Maine’s biggest local bands from the Rustic Overtones family - Spencer Albee, Armies and Rustic Overtones. The other headliner is Spose. I will be covering this after the fact, so I don’t want to write too much here, particularly since I’ve not been to this yet. I’ll get back at you.

James Wholey is at the Thirsty Pig. Asylum has a record sale today. Live at 212 has new metal band Slave I, and my only gripe with this show is that if you are claiming that your new band has gotten acclaim, please spell acclaim correctly. Potentially link to the acclaim too. We have Internet now. I am not pleased by saying this. I do not take satisfaction in being a total nitpicky bitch.