Regional football club Manchester United have written the next chapter in the magical story of the FA Cup by defeating the joint fifth-most successful English club of all time, Everton.

The club who are strangers to success have managed this amazing feat and defeated feared opposition along the way such as Shrewsbury Town for the meagre sum of £250 million.

Manager Louis Van Gaal said, ‘I still can’t believe. It’s really the stuff of fairy tales. We’re a community club at heart and I’d like to dedicate the win to the fans, some of whom came all the way from Watford Gap. I guarantee the streets of Essex will be deserted on the day of the final. Supporter Teddy Beckwith Forsyth Smyth said, ’This is amazing and such a long wait, I’m a life-long ‘red’, in between spells supporting Arsenal, Chelsea and Manchester City, so I’m still on Cloud Nine.

It is thought Van Gaal may have worries over the availability of some of his player as footballing embryo Marcus Rashford’s Mum has yet to sign the permission slip for the trip to London.

Football intellectual Jamie Rednapp described the match, ‘People have written about dystopian hyper-realities, and the postmodern simulacrum, but a 20 year old man placing a spherical bag of pressurised air in between 2 metal sticks WITH HIS FEET under quite a lot of stress. Fucking hell, you can’t write that. You cannot write that…What a script!’

Meanwhile, Michael Owen finished, ’Get this, there was a guy between the sticks trying to stop the bag of air passing him, and he could USE HIS HANDS. And what’s more, he’s been practicing using his hands for around 20 years, under the guidance and advice of a bunch of people who are known for being very good at stopping bags of air with their hands, but he still couldn’t stop it!!’