Coca Cola

Is there someone out there who really always wanted a Jersey Girl t-shirt that parodied the Coca-Cola Classic logo? I’d sincerely love to know how many women across the country had this one at the top of their Christmas wish lists last year. Actually, I take that back because there are quite a few collectors of Coca-Cola paraphernalia who would probably hurl me out of the way to get to the rack of these babies. I would imagine that if you are a female obsessed with Coca-Cola, and hail from New Jersey, this mashed up tee is a divine offering.

During last year’s trip down to Wildwood, NJ, I snapped pics of Coca Cola ads specially made for Wildwood. All you need to do is walk up and down the boardwalk for merely a few seconds before you get the feeling that the Coca Cola company may actually own the entire city of Wildwood.

Banner ads hung from every light pole, and every single soda machine and beverage freezer was plastered with Coca Cola ads. I haven’t been down there yet this year, but I’ll wager that they rolled out a whole new ad campaign. Last year’s ads had a cool retro sensibility that I think Coca Cola should use more often.

This ad lacks the vintage look of the previous banner, but gains a girl in a bikini. If you look at her right boob, you’ll notice that the ad began peeling off. I found it on the side of a refrigerator in a convenience store on the boardwalk. Hopefully I’ll make it down to Wildwood this summer to see if all the ocean water was replaced with Coca Cola.

*Not only does Coca Cola have several bottling facilities in the southern NJ area, but Maywood NJ is home to The Stepan Company which produces the non-narcotic cocoa leaf extract used in the soda.

This Thursday, The Bamboozle Roadshow will stop at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, NJ! There’s an awesome lineup on two stages where you’ll see performances by Third Eye Blind, Good Charlotte, Boys Like Girls, Simple Plan, LMFAO, Forever the Sickest Kids, All Time Low and MORE!!!

The Sexy Armpit has a pair of tickets to give away, so if you want to be at the show and you don’t have tickets yet, then e-mail sexyarmpit@comcast.net and one winner will be chosen using a random line picker. Deadline to enter is Tuesday at 8:00 AM. Write TICKETS in the subject.

*ALL concert goers have a shot to win Meet and Greet Passes at the Coca-Cola “Swelter Stopper” Tent. Forecasts are saying it’s going to be a hot one so head over to the Coca-Cola tent to get refreshed. Inside there are frosty air blasts, and snow falling! There’s also a sample bar, a DJ, games, and a photo booth.

Last night, I had the genius plan of going to Walmart. Going there is like getting ass from a girl who you know you really don’t want ass from but you convince yourself that you need it and it might not be that bad. Then the minute you leave her house you realize it was a huuuge mistake and the whole ordeal took much longer than it should have. The only good thing that comes out of the situation is that you realize you didn’t catch anything, HOORAY! Even though I probably would’ve rather caught something than waited on the check out line for 45 minutes to buy a can of soda.

As my silly “not based on real life” analogy comes to an abrupt halt, take a gander to the left and peep out this cool retro Pepsi can I found at Walmart last night. Out of all the cool cans that are part of Pepsi’s aluminum retro collection, this is closest to the one I grew up with. “Take the Pepsi Challenge” appears on a banner at the bottom. It brought back memories, especially considering the atrocity that is the latest Pepsi logo…if you can call it a logo. Why is it in this country we constantly feel the need to unnecessarily change things?

Finding this can at the bottom of the shelf in the soda aisle reminded me that I took some pictures of vintage soda art when I was in Las Vegas recently. In the waiting area of the New York, New York Roller Coaster, the walls feature some awesome murals of retro soft drinks. I was easily more enthralled by this artwork than I was the actual roller coaster, which completely sucked ass. It wasn’t a fun time at all and the wait time didn’t justify how shitty the ride was. Perhaps I’m just spoiled living right up the NJ Turnpike from Six Flags Great Adventure.

These murals are from the “soft drink renaissance” of art history. You may recall studying that period in college. Upon careful scrutiny, do you notice anything strange about this one? The messed up thing is that the Mountain Dew cup has the modern day logo rather than it’s retro look.

This mural features the Pepsi challenger race car and 3 classic soft drinks that have been lost to the ages: Pepsi Free, Pepsi Light, and Slice!

When The Sexy Armpit opens “The Soft Drink Hall of Fame,” these 2 pieces will surely be prime exhibits!

I often go on “kicks.” Occasionally it’s a Dorito kick, other times its a certain energy drink. Whatever the ingestable item is, it’s usually way overloaded with carbs and calories and it isn’t vital to maintaining my body’s daily functions. But what’s life without it’s little treats, right? I really just think I have a “Hi My Name is Sucker” sticker tattooed above my left pectoral. I feel myself blowing up into a fat blubbery mess rapidly as I write this post; the calories are even making the words gain weight. Remember how Audrey engorged herself in National Lampoon’s European Vacation? Well, call me Audrey Griswold and today I’ll show you what I’ve been stuffing my face with.

After my recent flight to Vegas, I immediately found myself a new early morning obsession. And NO…it’s not New Multi-Grain Masturbate-O’s so get that out of your head! Airplane food is supposed to suck, but on this trip a breakfast epiphany came in the shape of a neat travel sized package of Honey Nut Chex. It was one of those plastic packages where I peeled back the plastic covering, poured the milk right in and I was ready to go. The only time I ever eat Chex is when I’m at a family gathering and my aunt has Chex mix in a bowl. These Honey Nut Chex were a whole different facet of the Chex experience. They made my morning and from that moment I knew had to go on one of my obsession bent shopping sprees to obtain as many varieties of Chex as I could. Since then, my mouth has been enjoying my morning mistress named Honey Nut Chex. Where have they been all my life? Screw Multi-Grain Masturbate-O’s I hear they make you go blind!

Pringles are highly addictive. It’s my theory that their texture has much to do with their popularity. They are crunchy, yet soft at the same time. The variety of flavors offered by Pringles is also another one of their strong points. You might walk into your chip aisle in the store and find up to 6 versions of Pringles. Just the fact that I have that type of choice turns me on. I could hate their product but I would still be completely in love with the idea that I could choose from Chili Cheese, Jalepeno, or Loaded Baked Potato. I don’t fuck with any of those even though they’re no doubt luscious.

While in Vegas I spent $10 for a side of guacamole with my tortilla chips at The Border Grill at Mandalay Bay. Upon my return to the armpit I bought a whole canister of pringles that combined chips and the flavor of guacamole all for around 2 bucks. These chips are a light green color and taste just like guacamole. So forget about having your wallet raped at some Mexican restaraunt when you can go to the store and buy a can of Pringles. I should go back and mention this to them when they offer me guacamole and don’t bother to tell me that they’re going to charge me $10 bucks for it! Rat bastards.

The Soda Wars are an eternal discussion between my friends, family, and I. I don’t know what it is but Soda always incites such a debate. People feel so passionate about their bubbly beverages that they’ll fight to the deaths for them! You’d think Coca-Cola was some sort of messiah. Don’t fuck with fervent fans of Coke and Pepsi because the argument will get you nowhere. For some reason people just get confused when you tell them you’re favorite soda is Dr. Pepper. The DP has always been my favorite soda, even though I did commit a few adulteries with Mountain Dew when I couldn’t stay up studying for those exams back in college. I remember when I was very young and I first had my taste of Soda, Coca-Cola was the only brand I knew of. Naturally that was the only one I asked for until I was finally able to taste Dr. Pepper. As I got older and started shying away from such sugary, syrupy concoctions, I began to prefer Pepsi over Coke if I was forced to make the decision.

Nowadays I try not to drink soda unless it’s the only thing available, Pepsi has released a soda that may very well be exactly what I needed in a soft drink. I’ve tried to end my reliance on energy drinks, and I feel guilty downing regular soda so Diet Pepsi Max has filled the void. It’s taste is so close to real Pepsi that I couldn’t believe it! The fact that the drink also features a jolt of caffeine and ginseng is just an added bonus. If the prescenece of caffeine doesn’t bother you then consider that Diet Pepsi Max is the way Diet Pepsi should taste. As for the jolt of energy, and even with all of the double shots of Amp and Monster that I’ve gulped down, Diet Pepsi Max leaves you off with a slight euphoric feeling. I’m not saying you’re going to run around hugging people, but there’s a definite nice low key buzz without the jitters.

Fuze has a refreshing line of beverages including my preference the Green Tea with honey and ginseng. Somehow it contains 2 servings of vegetables the all important yerba mate. I’ve never heard of yerba mate but it seems to be the latest in trendy foreign plants that may yeild possible health benefits such as stress relief and colon cleansing. Fuze Green Tea also all throws in all that fancy stuff like polyphenols, antioxidants, folic acid, and a plethora of vitamins which may or may not have any effect on me but sound important. In another amazin feat, Fuze also markets versions that claim to help you lose weight, give you energy, refresh your sorry ass, balance your check book, and help you win at poker.

Recently, I was on an Ice Breakers Lemon Iced Tea kick, and I still am, although I found a new variety (pictured above) that are also enjoyable. Watermelon was the grabber for me in this variety pack but I also enjoy the Pink Lemonade flavor. These Ice Breakers turn sour in your mouth so if you’re into that kind of thing then give them a try.

The act of stealing food from a child may be called despicable, but swiping a child’s Scooby Snacks is just plain wrong. I’m kidding, I didn’t steal them, I was bestowed an entire box of individual packages of Scooby Snacks! My mom bought them for my niece and nephew and they didn’t like them so I hit the jackpot. I’ve always been a big fan of Scooby and graham crackers so baking them in the shape of a dog bone and selling them as Scooby snacks is a smooth move on Keebler’s part. There’s been a few different versions of Scooby Snacks on the market but these are the best.

If there’s any other items you’d think I should add to my grocery shopping list please let me know in the comments!

In 1988 I would’ve dove off the roof of a skyscraper and landed into a 2,000 ton pile of rhinoceros crap just to have had a few naughty moments with Lori Loughlin. She definitely deserves some spankings for not being more available for dates with me back then. I’m pretty sure it was just because she was unfamiliar with the level of ecstasy that I could have made her feel. Don’t let her sweet, goody two shoes facade fool you…she likes it rough.

ain’t that the way love’s supposed to be…?

(:20 second guitar breakdown…)

Aside from her animalistic sexual appetite which she cruelly taunted me with, Lori Loughlin does deserve some accolades. She was always one of the actresses from the’80s that never got her due. It’s possible that more people know her as Becky “the girl who played Uncle Jesse’s wife” from Full House. Their relationship used to make me ill. You know I feel so dirty when they start talking cute. Her character Rebecca was uptight and pretty annoying. This was the complete opposite of Jesse who was still living like a 20 something rock and roller. Perhaps I wasn’t as cool as him and I didn’t have a rad tag line like he did, but I was loyal and a good listener. And I’m lookin‘ in the mirror all the time,Wondering what she don’t see in me. Even though Lori pretty much ignored me throughout the filming of Full House, I didn’t really care because in my own little way I still carry on a special little relationship of my own with her. She was a lousy, rotten minx who drained me of every ounce of devotion I had without ever giving anything back. Not even so much as a package handling. My only other option was Kimmy Gibbler and forget about her…i didn’t want any STD‘s.

At the time I was still a young kid and i wound up running with the wrong crowd and falling for the wrong girls. I used to sneak into the catering room on the Full House set and start flirting with the Olsen twins. I felt good stealing what little time I could with them just as long as I knew it would make Lori jealous. One time Lori walked by all aloof when at that very second I deliberately dared Mary Kate to do a round of Coca-Cola shots with me at the mini refreshment bar they had set up. She would always rise to the occasion with a resounding “You got it dude.” I think she thought I really liked her, but the fact of the matter is that I was using her to drive Lori back into my loving arms late at night.

Tell Me Where Can I find a woman like that? In my DVD collection of course. And after going through my DVD collection recently, I came to the conclusion that my pathetic obsession with Lori Loughlin has to come to an end. I’m not embarrassed to say that I might actually be a fan of her work, but it does take a lot to admit that she is the reason that I’m going to special therapy sessions. Living with the thought that she would one day give me a chance has always granted me that mysterious psychotic flair: “Why is Jay so hung up on that actress?” “He’s never gonna get her because she’s with Jesse.” It shows that I’m not just your normal average everyday psychotic stalker. Owning a vast majority of Loughlin’s work provides me with the chance to watch her on a constant loop basis. Do you watch the news when you wake up and drink your coffee? I don’t. I watch Rad, and Back to the Beach. Most people see my collection of her films and honestly and candidly tell me that Lori and I are destined to be together.

Even though I never get to speak with her personally because she won’t accept any of my calls, I never got a moment to express to her my true feelings. I’m taking this chance, to pour my heart out to Lori and describe to her my unbridled love and devotion for her. Lori will always be underrated and may never get her shot at being truly “big time.” In my heart, and in my pants…she is BIG TIME! If you catch my drift. Being a native Schlong Islander she was a shoe in for her role in Amityville 3-D. Why that movie didn’t grab, at the very least, a few People’s Choice awards truly baffles me. I did sent Lori fan mail once asking her to film Analville 3-D with me, but I never heard back. What’s up with that? It was a legitimate acting role! It was innovative at the time.

Loughlin transitioned from a horror classic like Amityville 3-D full speed ahead into her role as Abby in The New Kids. The New Kids was an entertaining but barely remembered ’80s classic where she’s preyed on by James Spader the king of the creeps. Her apparent fling with that slimeball on the set really made my blood boil. And she’s lovin‘ him with that body I just know it. Lori’s versatility also shined through when she made a huge career decision by taking on such a crucial and controversial role like playing Christian in the BMX tour de force, RAD.It pains me to make this confession but I was so emotionally hurt by Lori’s failure to commit to me that I had to get back at her by sleeping with her co-star of Secret Admirer, Kelly Preston. I figured it would be a perfect revenge move because unlike Lori who was lacking in the hooter department, Kelly Preston was a curvy, voluptuous FOX. My stunt didn’t work at all because I felt dirty and scummy after sleeping with such a promiscuous tramp. Preston didn’t have the wholesome appeal that Lori had. I still have my reasons for believing that Lori played me out by shacking up in Soul Man C. Thomas Howell’s trailer during filming.

I once gave Lori a valuable piece of advice when I was totally uncreepily waiting in the lobby of the hotel that she was staying in. As she came out of the elevator and made her way to check out, I snapped a slew of pictures while explaining that she needed to “get in with the geeks”if she wanted to be successful. I told her that she needed to solidify her legacy with fanboys everywhere. It’s obvious that she took my word for it after Lori did a voice on the Justice League animated series and also played Black Canary on the short lived WB show Birds of Prey. (Say what you will but it was a crime that it took so long to get to DVD.)

Perhaps her be all end all role for me was Sandi in Back to the Beach. I idolized Zed and still do, but I truly related to Michael because I wanted to be sneaking around with Sandi hanging out on the beach all day. That’s still what I want to be doing. Honestly, how much of a threat was having a former ‘50s pop idol as a dad and a Mouseketeer as a mom? They didn’t have to sneak around with each other or jump out of windows into the ocean! What were Sandi’s parents going to do to him? Croon him to death? Shoot fake smiles at him till he passes out?

The height of Lori’s hotness was without a doubt in The Night Before with Keanu Reeves. Around the same time I created a voodoo doll of Lori and cast a spell on her that was supposed to sabotage her career. The curse I created must’ve had a delayed reaction because it didn’t actually take it’s effect until 17 years later when the WB’sSummerland got the axe. When the news started to break it sent shockwaves throughout the U.S. I had a bit of party with my action figures and some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (next time I’ll have the chunky). It sort of felt like the fall of communism. All of her sleeping around with other men throughout the years took its toll on my heart and my mind. It was a definite victory for me seeing as it was her darkest day. She had nowhere to turn. The WB didn’t want her piece of crap melodrama, but I knew this was my time to take advantage of the situation.

I put on a mini concert in a hotel room for her with my karaoke machine and naturally, I sang my own tuned up version of “Jessie’s Girl” called “Uncle Jessie’s Girl.” She really wasn’t digging it. But really, how much could one enjoy a karaoke performance (especially from me) when they are cuffed to the bed with their mouth duct taped shut…and the fact that she was passed out. I’ll cut her a little slack, I’ll admit, I was a bit pitchy. After I rocked out, things got so HOT between the two of us in that hotel room the sprinklers went off. I knew I did everything I could to impress her the point was probably moot. Hell, I was even cool with the lines. She came to and started crying and moaning that she wanted to go back to her husband Mossimo and that I should let her go. I gave her one last passionate kiss and then I let her go, out of the hotel room and out of my life forever. That is until I pick just the right time to release the video I filmed that night which may prove to be the highlight of her career: Lori in all her Glory. Available wherever finer DVD’s are sold.