'I was exhausted' and 'freaking out in my head' — inside one dad's paternity leave and transition back to work

Like many working parents, Jared Crafton is familiar with the
work-life juggle.

The 34-year-old is a father of two young boys, ages 3 years old
and 9 months. He's also a senior manager at professional services
giant EY, formerly known as Ernst and Young, leading its forensic
technology practice in Boston. He manages up to 80 people at a
time, including eight full-time employees in the Boston
office.

What makes Crafton different from most men in high-stress jobs is
that he's been able to take paid paternity leave after the birth
of each of his children.

Crafton first took a paternity leave when his son Zachary
was born in 2012. Having a second child with his wife,
Michelle, in June was "significantly harder," he tells Business
Insider.

With his youngest son, Tyler, he not only took two weeks
off to be with his family, but he worked with an executive coach
to make the transition easier.

"It was a stressful period with Tyler," says Crafton. "I'd been
in Boston about six months. There were a lot of demands on me.
We'd hired people, and I had my hands in a whole lot of
things."

He was worried about being away from the office, delegating work,
and communicating how much and when he was going to be available.
Plus, with family coming into town and soon two young
children needing attention, he knew his home life was about to
get hectic.

Through one of the women he mentored, he found out about a new
coaching program that EY was beginning to offer parents. "She had
done it and loved it, so I started asking questions," says
Crafton. "I was one of the first dads to sign up."

He was assigned an executive coach who would help him navigate
the transition before, during, and after he returned to work from
his paternity leave. Together, they came up with a plan, which
Crafton could share with his bosses, employees, and family.

His son Tyler was born on June 10. "We wanted to establish
co-parenting from the beginning, which is all about shared
responsibilities," says Crafton. "After two days in the hospital,
we got home, and you've got to feed this thing every two hours
and change diapers. During those weeks, I was up all night
helping with the baby and the feedings."

"My wife is a stay-at-home mom, and I didn't want her to feel
like she was doing everything," he continues. "There's a lot of
stuff to do with both kids. You can't ignore the baby, and the
toddler needs a ton of attention, too."

He gave his colleagues a window of time when they could contact
him — between 1 and 3 p.m. when his son was taking a nap — and
asked them to text him if there was an emergency. He didn't check
in regularly, but peeked at email here and there. "I love my
job," he says, "so it's hard to totally take a break."

For the most part, Crafton
laid low and avoided the urge to work during his paternity
leave.Courtesy of Jared
Crafton

Crafton says it was great to be able to disappear for two weeks
and spend that time with his wife and family. While his dad
"never changed a diaper," he says, today, men "want to have that
time to bond with our families."

Although the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993
requires companies with 50 or more employees to provide new
parents with 12 weeks of unpaid leave, the law does not require
it to be paid, and workers at small businesses may receive
nothing at all.

The inclusion of men in EY's policy is relatively new for the
firm. Beginning in 2002, dads were offered two weeks of paid
paternity leave. In the effort of fairness and in recognition of
same-sex couples, in 2004 EY extended it to six weeks for men who
were primary caregivers.

In the beginning, some EY leaders believed offering men paid
paternity leave wasn't necessary and that men wouldn't take it
even if allowed, according to EY Global Diversity &
Inclusiveness Officer Karyn Twaronite.

However, she says nearly all EY dads take advantage of it,
amounting to between 500 and 600 fathers in the US each year,
which is about as many mothers
that take leave at EY. While they are offered up to six weeks, 90%
of these dads take between two and three weeks off.

In a study of more than 1,000 fathers working in 30 different
organizations
conducted by the Boston College Center for Work &
Family and sponsored by EY, a full 99% of men believed
employers should offer paid paternity leave, and three quarters
said two to four weeks is an appropriate amount.

"Time is the one commodity that no one has enough of," Twaronite
says. "When companies offer time for family, it's a
treasure."

Of course, the time leading up to and following a parental leave
is often fraught with emotion. Twaronite says men and women cite
similar concerns. They often stress about their work piling up
and tend to worry about asking their bosses and teammates for
help. Some may even fear that, if their leave goes smoothly,
their boss won't think they're valuable and they'll be passed
over for a promotion or replaced.

To address some of these concerns, EY launched an initiative
called the Career & Family Transitions program in 2012.
Initially intended for mothers, women in the program were
assigned a confidential coach to talk through their
work-life issues.

It was such a success that EY soon decided to include men, but
Twaronite says they weren't sure if any would sign up. "We had 10
spots open for dads," she says. "Not only did dads take it up
immediately, but there was a waiting list. Now a quarter of the
program is dads."

Today, EY has four full-time coaches that have worked with 600
employees in total.

Crafton says the hardest
part about transitioning back to work after the birth of his
second child was not getting enough sleep at
night.Courtesy of Jared
Crafton

Crafton says his coach was particularly helpful once he came back
to work. They spoke for about an hour by phone once a month for
eight months after he returned from leave.

"When I came back, I was exhausted. I wasn't getting enough
sleep," he says. "We were still figuring out who makes dinner,
who takes Zach to practice. I wasn't 100%, so I worked through
that with my coach."

The coach helped him realize that he was being harder on himself
than other people were. "I was stressed about not replying fast
enough over email or asking for another day to finish something,"
he says. "I was freaking out in my head, thinking I wasn't doing
enough. But my coach polled people, and I found out it was OK;
everyone was happy."

In addition to the many stresses of a new baby, men who take
paternity leave often still face — or at least fear — a remaining
stigma. According to Tracey Edwards, an executive coach involved
in the program, some men are worried they'll be perceived as less
committed employees. One dad told her that people were asking,
"What are you going to do while you're off?" Another dad
said one of his coworkers asked, "So when does your mancation
start?"

Crafton admits that with his first child he was afraid of being
out of the office and of what people might think, but that fear
dissipated the second time around. "A lot of my friends don't
even have paternity leave," he says. "They were jealous. They
would take advantage of it if they could."

Indeed, mostly what Edwards hears from dads is that they want to
be involved at home and are concerned about balancing everything.
One dad told her, "I don't want to be a C-performer at home and
on the job." She sees her role as giving them support and helping
them clarify for themselves what their biggest issues are, so
they can come up with solutions.

Experts say that men's increasing involvement at home is highly
connected to women's advancement. In part, it frees women up to
focus on work, and it also helps men better understand the
competing demands on mothers.

"When a company offers paternity leave, it's really good for
women, too," Twaronite says. "Those men experience for themselves
what it's like to take a leave, which makes them better bosses
and teammates to women."

Readers: Are you interested in sharing your story about your
parental leave and transition back to work? Email me at
jgoudreau[at]businessinsider[dot]com.