New Moon: Edward's version

Summary:
Have you ever wondered what happened to Edward after he left Bella in the forest? What was he thinking when he searched her room for physical proof he exists? How did the other Cullen's react? Were Edward and Bella the only sufferer's of the break up? Here are some answers....

Notes:
Alright, here is what I think happened and I'm pretty proud of what I've written so please review!! I don't feel this is going anywhere anymore, so I've ticked the completeed box and that's the end of that. HOWEVER if you are desperate for this to be finished, leave me a review and I'll see what I can do, because I know how much it sucks if you're enjoying something and it never gets finished. Lots of love, SparklyCullen xxx

1. Tying up loose ends

I fled the school car park and pulled up against the curb around the corner. I opened Bella’s envelope for her mother and quickly flicked through the photographs, scanning each one. There were some ridiculous ones of Bella’s human friends messing around with their mouths full at lunch yesterday and some others of her car, her bedroom and her house. I frowned in confusion. Why would Bella take photos of things she sees everyday? I shook my head; Bella would never fail to intrigue me. I soon found what I wanted; Bella would not have even started her engine yet. I quickly picked out two photos and ignored the obvious change in each photo. The first was of me smiling at Bella who was behind the camera after her having asked me whether I would be visible after the photos had been developed. The second was of Bella and I, arm in arm in her living room; Bella appeared troubled whereas I could see that I was unworthy of such a caring, innocent person when I was the one causing her danger.

I quickly shoved the two photos into my pocket and re-sealed the envelope and drove to Bella’s house, pausing to post her letter to her mother. I unlocked her front door and flitted upstairs to her bedroom. The CD containing my compilations was still in her CD player; I took the CD and the case and added it to my pocket. Where had she hidden her copy of the photos? I spotted a chunky photo album lying on her desk. I opened it and flicked through it sharply. They were the same as the ones in the envelope and on the first page were the ones containing me. My hand stopped over the second photograph, the one containing us both except – it didn’t; she had folded it in half and displayed the half holding me up. Why would she do that? She surely isn’t that self-conscious?

I retrieved the two duplicate photos and turned to leave. I hesitated, my hand hovering over the door handle. I needed to wipe myself out of her life, leaving behind no traces, so why couldn’t I leave the room with her physical memories of me in my pocket? Somewhere inside me, something yearned to stay with her; something didn’t want her to forget. I turned slowly, and knelt on the floorboards. In one quick pull, a floorboard came off in my hand. I drew my CD and the two sets of duplicate photographs of me from my pocket and stored them gently under the board. I kissed my fingertips lightly and briefly brushed them against the stolen articles before replacing the loose floorboard. I went downstairs and picked up their phone pad and a pen in the kitchen. I leant on the table and scrawled Charlie a message:

Going for a walk with Edward, up the path,

Back soon, B.

_________________________________________________

“COME FOR A WALK WITH ME,” I said impassively, taking her warm hand in mine for the final time. I had no choice, she needed a chance to live without the threat my family and I carried. Jasper had enforced that statement.

Bella did not respond. Her face was blank but her eyes contracted slightly. Did she realise what I was planning to do? Was she readying herself with legitimate protests that would slowly destroy me and her future? Not wanting to allow her any extra time to construct arguments against reason, I pulled her gently but firmly to the east side of the yard, a few strides into the forest but still insight of the house. The last thing I wanted was to leave her lost in the forest.

I leaned against the tree and watched her. Her hair waved slightly in the breeze, brushing her shoulders and collarbones. Her beauty was divine, I needed to savour these last precious minutes of our time together.

“Okay,” she said confidently, obviously acknowledging a reason for our discussion. “Let’s talk.”

I breathed in her unique scent, allowing it to caress my throat with its burning hold, preparing for the most painful battle of all.

“Bella,” I said mirroring her poise. “We’re leaving.”

She followed suit, also drawing a deep breath, her expression was faintly curious.

“Why now?” she asked. “Another year-”

“Bella, it’s time.” I stated hiding all emotion. “How much longer can we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he’s claiming thirty-three now. We’d have to start over soon regardless.”

I watched her face shroud in confusion at my answer, as she searched for the meaning behind my words. I stared back blankly, not giving anything away, letting her figure it out herself. She paled slightly as understanding dawned in her eyes.

“When you say we-” she whispered.

“I mean my family and myself.” I spoke clearly. I needed her to understand that we had to be apart to keep her safe, to keep her human. My own heart began to disintegrate as she shook her head as though trying to dislodge an unpleasant thought. I waited patiently, observing her delicate features in our limited time.

“Okay, I’ll come with you.”

Here comes the difficult part; dissuading her of my love. She was going to be difficult to move, how many times had I told her I loved her? How many times had I told her what she meant to me? We were going to be here for hours, but I needed to mislead her before my act began to crumble and my will began to weaken. “You can’t, Bella. Where we’re going… It’s not the right place for you.”

“Where you are is the right place for me.” No, no and no again. I was everything wrong in her life. I should not exist, shouldn’t be endangering her life every day by simply being with her. I needed to make her see reason.

“I’m no good for you, Bella.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” My heart groaned deeply, as her tone turned to pleading. “You’re the very best part of my life.”

And worst, I wanted to counter. I’m trying to save you from me, a last good deed to keep you alive! James had threatened to cease her existence barely months ago, and now my own brother. Running with vampires was going to kill her sooner than later, she needed the chance to live without that and what better way than to take out the link that kept her in contact with the danger. Me.

“My world is not for you.”

“What happened with Jasper – that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!”

“You’re right,” I agreed calmly, wishing her words could be true. “It was exactly what was to be expected.”

“You promised!” she objected desperately. “In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-”

“As long as that was best for you,” I corrected.

“No! This is about my soul, isn’t it?” she yelled angrily, taking me by surprise by her knowledge, although I swiftly concealed it before she could note any change. “Carlisle told me about that, and I don’t care, Edward. I don’t care! You can have my soul. I don’t want it without you – it’s yours already!”

I took a deep breath, trying to stay in control. I forced myself to look down to regain my poker face. I could not turn back now. Her soul, her life, she was throwing it straight into hell by staying with me. I could never reside in heaven after my existence on Earth was closed. Even if I had not broken a single commandment, entry is still barred for the soulless. I was not going to do that to Bella and I was not going to end her life. I forced myself to ignore the disintegration of my being and focus on saving my sole reason for my existence. I had no choice but to purposely blaspheme against my undeserved angel, to save her.

“Bella,” Slowly and precisely I managed to form the horrid words on my tongue. “I don’t want you to come with me.” I watched her as she tried to see an alternative interpretation besides the evident. It felt as though I was dying all over again, Spanish influenza, vampire venom and every other poisonous thing flowing through my veins, changing me forever.

“You… don’t… want me?” Ah, must I directly lie again? Her words played back to me had me inwardly screaming in agony.

“No.”

She stared into my eyes, searching for contradiction or understanding, but I stared back passively.

“Well that changes things.” Her voice was at ease, seemingly understanding what I was saying. Of course I loved her more than she loved me, but her words made me wonder if she loved me as much as I had dared hope to believe. I could not say goodbye without telling her I loved her once more, but I knew to say it directly to her face would destroy my intentions of leaving her and enlighten her of my scheme. I could not risk her life any longer. Looking out into the trees I spoke my last true words.

“Of course, I’ll always love you…” Keep it light. “In a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it’s time for a change. Because I’m…” Trying to save you from yourself? “Tired of pretending to be something I’m not, Bella.” I turned back to face her. “I am not human.” I wish I was. I wish more than anything I could grow old with you without endangering your life, without having you wish me to take away your soul. “I’ve let this go on much too long, and I’m sorry for that.” I’m sorry I had to leave, that I allowed my selfishness to override your safety. Sorry for so many things that have put you out of my reach forever.

“Don’t,” she whispered, comprehension of my motives dawning on her face. “Don’t do this.”

I stared back at her coldly. It was too late, I had to finish this now before I broke down also, and endlessly apologized for my despicable lies. I couldn’t choose to go back, that wasn’t an alternative. I needed an argument that she could not counter, would not counter. I had to reverse my usual excuse.

“You’re not good for me, Bella.”

I watched soundlessly as she opened and closed her mouth as though words had failed her. I could wait for eternity for her to reply, I was in no rush.

“If… that’s what you want.” No, I need you to be safe, Bella. I do not want to leave you; I wanted to bellow at her. Why are you backing down so easily? Drag this out a little longer, argue with me; tell me you know I can not exist without you by my side!

I could not speak. If I opened my mouth I would tell her what she doesn’t need to hear. I simply nodded. Cold, I knew and her reaction proved it. Her body stiffened, her face blank with shock and pain. I could not leave her like this; the last thing I ever told her being that I did not want her and that I wanted to leave. My own dead heart could not forgive myself for that, not even if it saved her. My mind flickered back to Alice’s vision, I needed to protect her. I could not be the one slicing the knife across her delicate, frail wrists, drawing the sweet wine from her veins the open air. That would be unforgivable.

“I would like to ask one favour, though,” I said, “If that’s not too much.” I added quickly realising she may not want to be loyal to me any longer. If it was I in her situation, would I be able to hear her ask for a favour, let alone carry it out? I would probably split open my torso and throw away my heart, having no use for it any longer, before she could say what I did not wish to hear.

Her eyes locked with mine and almost cleared all of my intentions. Her grief and misery flooded into my own soul, dissolving my mask. I was hurting her immensely. I could take it back, tell her why I was doing this, apologize and beg for forgiveness over the misconduct I had inflicted on her. But the memory of why I was doing this to us both resurfaced as did my facade.

“Anything,” She agreed. Distraction for her safety overrode the trained poker face again.

“Don’t do anything reckless or stupid,” I commanded her, detecting my fallen disguise but failing to care. “Do you understand what I am saying?” She nodded feebly. I calmed down enough to recognize I had yet to give a reason. I did not want her to realise I still loved her. She needed to believe the lies in order to move on in her life.

“I’m thinking of Charlie, of course,” I lied. “He needs you. Take care of yourself – for him.” I needed to leave soon. I was making mistakes that I could not afford to make.

She looked at me, understanding of my purpose graved into her face, and nodded feebly. “I will,” she murmured in defeat. I could now relax slightly, knowing Alice’s vision will have faded now Bella had promised.

“And I’ll make you a promise in return,” I said boldly, the heartache setting in more prominently. “I promise that this will be the last time you’ll see me. I won’t come back. I won’t put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I’d never existed.” The way it was supposed to be, I thought dully.

She began to shake slightly, her pulse starting to race. I laughed internally. She could not see a future without me. I could see it clearer than the light of day. One day she would say yes to a Mike Newton, they would marry and have children and die together, in each others arms. I could never offer her any of that. Vampires are sterile; no one knows that better than Rosalie. As for the dying, I would of course follow after, even if watching her passing did not kill me in itself. We would never be together after death anyway; I am damned to hell whereas Bella could hurt no one but herself, and that was generally unintentional. Yet hell was the better alternative, because at least then I could look up and see where my sweet angel lies, knowing she was safe from harms way.

I let a soft smile escape the charade. “Don’t worry,” I said lightly. “You’re human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind.”

“And your memories?” she asked croakily.

“Well-” I wavered. Carlisle often tried to ease my horrid guilt for my past life, but I could remember each ghastly detail of every murder, every theft and every bad deed I had undertaken from the start of my new life. My memory was not a sieve; everything stuck with faultless detail. Every emotion, every action, every word and every aspect burned to the inside of my head, wounds that could never be cured.

“I won’t forget. But my kind… we’re very easily distracted.” I smiled peacefully, remembering how I tried unsuccessfully to escape her; escaping to Denali, running, endlessly running, yet always returning to her side, more efficiently than a homing pigeon.

I stepped back, as though testing her gravity. “That’s everything, I suppose. We won’t bother you again.”

Bella frowned vacantly. “Alice isn’t coming back,” she breathed. I shook my head slowly. Would this be the breaking point? Realising she was going to lose her best friend as well? Perhaps I should try the same strategy I was carrying out now, to help her heal faster and regain her normal lifestyle pre-vampire.

“No. They’re all gone.” I said, not taking my eyes of her face, bracing myself for a flicker of emotion that told me I had gone to far, that this was too much for her to take in one go. “I stayed behind to tell you goodbye.”

Her voice and face drained of emotion, morphing to a blank canvas. “Alice is gone?”

“She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you.” Convinced was pushing the boundary; forced was a better word for my actions, as would threatened and blackmailed but I could hardly say that. I was pushing my luck already. I was astonished Bella was so compliant with my words, yet slightly hurt she was not fighting for our relationship. Perhaps this love was not as requited as I believed.

“Goodbye, Bella,” I said soothingly, listening to her delicate heart thudding fearfully, her breath coming in sharp bursts for the last time.

“Wait!” She choked, stumbling forward slightly, her arms stretched out blindly, flailing in my direction. I gripped her warm wrists, feeling her delicious pulse under my fingertips and fixed her arms to her side. I bent down and pushed my lips as lightly as I could to her forehead with my eyes closed, savouring the brief moment, knowing I could not risk prolonging it.

“Take care of yourself,” I whispered, blowing a few strands of her hair back. Before I could be tempted to kiss her again, hold her gently in my arms, smell her neck, I fled in anguish. If I was human I would be dead, but I wasn’t. She was safe. That was all that mattered.

I ran straight to the house where my family stood outside. I had to leave now whilst the motive was still strong. Carlisle watched me with grieved eyes but that was nothing compared to Esme. Her face looked devastated, the pain for my renewed loneliness etched into her face. Why can this not end soundly? She will always be part of the family, but does he really need to leave her behind when doing so leaves him like this?

Rosalie was disgruntled with having to start high school again but her expression changed to slightly incredulous and fearful. Humph, she thought as I approached. I can’t believe one little human could be so much trouble. He’d better cheer up soon; I can’t handle people moping around for no reason… I snarled at her. Was she blind to the fact that I was trying to save her from a life like hers? In a childless state, willing to trade everything to be human again even for one short year? Rosalie’s thoughts backed down slightly, interpreting my fierce look, as she slowly grieved for her past life.

Even Emmett looked slightly put out when he realised I wasn’t bluffing about leaving Bella in Forks. From what I understood of his thoughts, he both expected this and for Bella to be on my back, together again.

Jasper had retreated to Denali, to escape my emotions as they slowly, unmercifully destroyed me. Alice stood frozen, experiencing one of her visions. I didn’t want to know, and deliberately tuned her out.

“Shut up, Alice!” I snarled, unwillingly grasping the edge of her vision.

“Alice, what’s happened?” Esme moved over to Alice, tension and anxiety clouding her thoughts. Alice ignored everybody and focused on my eyes, purposefully repeating her vision in her head. I struggled to push them away, physically turning my back on her in an attempt to distract myself.

“No, okay? She promised me. End of story.” I turned to glare at them all. “She has her own life to lead; she doesn’t need me here constantly endangering her life. No one is to make contact with her; no one is to have anything to do with her. We are leaving, we are not coming back, we are not going to darken her doorstep again, no matter what visions Alice pulls out of the bag, understand?” Everybody was taken aback by my fierce words of defiance against myself, except Carlisle and Alice naturally.

Carlisle slowly shook his head and looked up at me. “Son,” he murmured again softly. “Are you certain that we are not endangering Bella by leaving her? Your bond is incredible, perhaps staying could be best?” I glared at him, not hiding anything as my world crumbled, yet mercifully with Bella still intact. He nodded once. “Of course.” He answered understandingly. “We shall all heed your wishes, Edward. It is time to leave. Are you running or taking a car?”

Before I answered, Alice had another vision, completing the first. It ripped through my head like wildfire, burning everything inside me. Bella stood, in an indistinct setting, her face growing paler and gaunter, slowly wasting away, her clothes hanging off her. She could be mistaken for a vampire if her eyes were not the same deep brown, her pulse still constant. Bella’s face was blank. No emotion, no obvious thoughts or opinions. I flinched away, even though the image was slightly coarse, having her not yet made a conscious decision. Everyone watched in wonder and worry between Alice and I, as Alice became gradually more horrified, and I became yet more tortured and definite to leaving. I attempted to focus on someone – anyone! – elses thoughts when I was physically thrown back a couple of steps from the impact of vision. Bella in hospital, Bella in Phoenix, Bella flying off a cliff! I shook my head, to clear it, concentrating on not flying at Alice with full force.

“Alice!” I spat. “Get out of my head! Distract yourself, please, before I tear you to shreds. Bella promised. Don’t be looking for her future, either,” I threatened as I climbed blindly into a car and drove down the drive at top speed. “We’ve done enough damage.” I murmured, not caring if they heard.