5 Things You Should Never Say to a Beardsman

—Urban Beardsman
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Nov 11, 2015

As you are all aware, there is still a large part of our society that has no clue how to react to a big, beautiful beard. For some reason there seems to be some confusion as to how exactly growing your facial hair works and this causes the occasional (and sometimes repeated) palm to the forehead questions or comments while out in public. Here is a list of the ones I would personally love to never hear again.

“How long are you trying to grow your beard? Are you trying to be like the guys from Duck Dynasty?”

Seriously? Is a reality TV show really your only cultural comparison to all things beard? No, I am not trying to be like anyone else with a beard. That is like asking a woman if she is growing her hair to be like Rachel from ‘Friends.’ The whole purpose of having a beard is to be the version of me that I want to be. I might admire or like certain styles that others have, but this is me growing the beard that I want to grow. And no, when I started growing my beard there was no predetermined length that I had my sights set on.

That person that feels the need to say, “You have something in your beard” throughout the entire meal.

Yes, I am sure that I do have something in my beard when I am eating hot wings. The same goes for when I had ribs for dinner last night. Big surprise, you probably had the same stuff on your face while eating messy foods as well. I understand that my large (sexy) beard can possibly catch a crumb here or there, but lets remember that I am a grown man and will properly clean my beard out as soon as I finish my meal.

“Doesn’t it get itchy and make you hot when you just stop shaving like that?”

Oh, you poor misguided soul. My beard doesn’t itch because I take care of it better than you do the hair on top of your head. Between washing it, brushing it, combing it and applying beard oil to it, I haven’t experienced an itchy or scratchy moment on my face since I started growing my beard last December. And you all certainly know the frustration that comes with the misunderstanding that beards are simply grown, rather than developed. I shave more to keep this amazing look now than I did in previous years when my face was bare and lonely.

“You Beard Guys sure are serious about your facial hair!”

Really? This is the number one example of someone who doesn’t understand our community at all. Yes, I am serious about my beard, but I am also serious about my fantasy football team. Look, I have a beard because I want to have a beard, not because of some preconceived idea you saw in a documentary.

“Can I touch your beard?”

I am a man, not part of the petting zoo, so you better be VERY attractive if you ever ask me this question.

BONUS FOR DADS:

“I used to really think your daughter looked like you, but not so much anymore.”

Is there any possible way that she doesn’t look quite as much like me NOW because I have been growing my beard for nearly a year and she is a little girl? Yeah, maybe that is the reason.