how I became the mother of an angel

Post On Sunday, April 06, 2014 By Marie

I have a four year old son, and when he was almost three I met his stepfather. We soon started talking about having a child together, and we were very happy when we found out we were expecting. I now had so much more to offer this child, then with my firstborn, but I still couldn't shake the feeiling that something was wrong! The feeling was so bad, that I didn't tell people before I was 23 weeks.

I calmed down eventually, but I got sick early in the pregnancy, already at 15 weeks my headaches started and my skin and hair looked awful. I itched everywhere, and had trouble sleeping. I remember thinking that no pregnancy can be this tough! But my doctor told us everything was FINE! We found out we were expecting a boy, and all three of us couldn't wait to meet him. Three days before all hell broke loose, I was at the doctor, seeing our little strong baby boy on the monitor. It calmed me down to hear the doctor say he was fine, but I hadn't slept in weeks, I didn't eat and I couldn't do anything at home. I felt horrible! The doctor told me that was just normal, and I had nothing to worry about.

So, three days later we were going for a walk, I was now 29 weeks. I felt so bad I had to go to my mother and try to get some sleep there. When I walked the stairs it felt like I peed myself, and so I went to the toilet. I was so exhausted, that if I had gone to sleep, I probably would have died in that bed. What had happened was that my placenta had ruptured, and I had internal bleedings.

I got an ambulance, and on the way to the hospital I talked to my belly, saying it would all be fine, we can handle it! But when I got there they couldn't find a heartbeat, our little boy had left us. I was so sick, I didn't get a reaction like you normally would have, I was too tired to think about it. All I could think about was how my boyfriend would feel when he got there to hear the news. It was heartbreaking. I had big pains in my stomach, my eyesight started disappearing and my bp was high. But the scary part was that none of the doctors knew about preeclampsia or HELLP, which I was diagnosed with later at another hospital. So they didn't know what to do!

A couple of hours later, my body started giving birth. It happened all natural, and because of my placental rupture I started bleeding again, this time I lost 3-4 litres of blood. My bloodplates were gone, and it was a miracle that the bleeding eventually stopped. I got to hold my son, and I stayed at the hospital with him that night. Eventhough he was gone, it felt good holding him and kissing him, just seeing him helped alot. My son also got to say his goodbyes to his little brother, and he wanted to name him Christoffer, so we called him Noah Christoffer. <3

Later that night my bp suddenly rose, and at one point it was over 200. I don't remember much of this, but I remember being flown with a helicopter to another hospital, where they got me stable, and I lay on the emergency post for 6 days before I was "well" enough to not have to be watched 24/7.

My kidneys and liver failed, and my blood platelets took some time to recover. I gained 30 kg of water on just two days, and I remember freezing all the time. My eyesight took 1-2 months to get back to normal. It was the worst experience of my life, and I am shocked that this isn't more known to doctors! I almost died several times, and before I got to the other hospital, everything that kept me alive was pure luck! If this was diagnosed earlier, my boy could still be with us, and this could be a whole other story. This is a condition I wouldn't wish upon even my worst enemy, and I really hope that I don't have to go through that again. :(

But still, even though he is not with us, I can't regret this. Because I gave birth to the most beautiful little boy, and he have taught us so many things about life, and beeing grateful. The last time I ever felt him kick, was 04 October 13, and now I am pregnant again, due 04 October 14. I can't help but feel that this is Noah's gift to us, that he wants us to be happy. :) <3

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