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8.11.13

Today I turn 29. I have mixed emotions about my birthday. Firstly I'm so grateful for a sweet husband who always leaves me a birthday morning surprise. This morning was a hand written note with a breakfast quiche & two little tarts from my favorite bakery. And I've been craving pecan pie the last couple so it was nearly perfect!

I am however not fond of getting older. This is my last year of being in my 20's and it all went by too fast. I'm also feeling pretty blue because this is my first birthday without my dad. To be quite honest I haven't been able to stop crying since last night. I assure you pregnancy hormones aren't making this easier but I hate having to experience these milestones without dad around. I suddenly feel the reality of him being gone at times like this and it's more than I can take.
Some days I feel like I can't move forward because the hurt is so deep and without consolation but I do my best to set it aside so I can still be a good mom and wife and (hopefully) blogger as well!
It's not often that I open up about these really personal things but I think it's important to share with you because this loss, this pain, is now an inseparable part of who I am and from time to time it spills over into my blogging. And I also think about those of you who have lost, or will lose someone you love greatly. Possibly talking about realness of my own pain will help you in some small way.

All in all I'm grateful for so many things. For my family, for my friends, even for my readers! Most days I'm doing fine. I have great, loving people around me and (almost) two wonderful little ones to keep me busy. I know there will be more days like today ahead for now I'm just going to think about making it through this one.

Thank you, as always, for listening.

13
comments:

Happy Happy Birthday to you! I completely understand how you feel, having just turned 30 this past September I can't believe how fast my 20s were. And though I lost my mom when I was 19, it still isn't easy. It's bearable, but I miss her every day. I hope you have a wonderful day!

Sweet Jennifer, I want to wish you a very nice birthday! I so understand your feelings. My dad has left us 5 years ago and when I read your story, I get tears in my eyes. Take care and enjoy your day with your sweet loved ones!

You are always young, spirit-full and fabulous! A number does not take this away. Know that :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY....BONNE ANNIVERSAIRE, Jennifer!

Your dad....it's hard....it will always be, because...he's your dad! And that kind of love is hard to be without. He is with you, and all around you...I know this from my own experience of having lost my dad, almost 4 years ago now. He was way too young to have left this earth, but he did, and I have to accept that...as part of life, and the life I now know. AND I still think about him, miss him, dream about him, grieve for him, cry for him, talk about him, feel his presence, get mad at the world for the total unfairness of it all! And I am still wracked with the pure pain of loss.

It's crazy....this thing called grief. It's loud and insidious, and sometimes it ebbs...never disappearing fully, but...it's an important emotion to have and experience and most of all, to run with, ride with, give in to it when it comes...however soft or hard. I don't think it gets easier, but I do think that the grieving helps...whenever, wherever, and in whatever form it may take for you.

Sending you lots of love for your birthday! Let the laughter, the memories, the tears, the sadness, the joy and ever-present abundance flow....especially today, on this special birthday :)

I just found out that my dads brain cancer came back and the doctors have gave him two months to live. I am on the other side of the world and been really upset myself. So I understand your pain! Happy Birthday none the less and I am happy that you have someone that treats you right.

I'm in the same boat. I lost my dad 4 years ago, I'm getting married today (on his birthday), and i'm 3 months pregnant. Although the grieving changes after the first year, I find that celebratory events remain complicated. It's often when I'm happiest that I'm struck with how much I miss him and wish he could share a happy moment with me. All I can say is that you will survive, and survival is hard work.

Happy belated Birthday. I turned 30 earlier this year and I can only agree: those 20s went by way too fast. Ah well, as the girl at the MAC counter during our 'still fabulous at 30'-trip to London (with my girlfriends) said: be happy that you're still here, that's what matters most. And she is damn right about it.I'm really sorry about your dad. I can't even imagine how it must feel and I'm grateful for every day I get to spend with my parents. I hope that you can find the strength, courage and happiness with your family and friends.

I hope you had a good one, although I know exactly what you are going through. It is hard to move through life without that one person you really want there and share all those special moments with, hear their thoughts, get their hug.

Happy birthday again! Hope that sadness is reduce a little bit by the love of your family and the new baby coming. I know it wont replace it but hope it heels by time. Keep going with all your projects he will be proud.