Saturday, January 11, 2014

"Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, fasten your seat belts and put on your helmets. We're about to enter into the Ten Things Of Thank You Zone. Please put your hands together in a warm welcome for our star attraction and host, the one and only, a tremendously great person, and a sister of mine from another set of parents, our primary hostess, LIZZI!!!!"(and 57 other hosts too numerous to mention)

Okay, is that enough glut kissing

for this week?

Last week, several of you mentioned that you thought the holidays had "softened" me up a little. Actually, I was doing my best to not be as cynical and sarcastic as usual. I thought it might be a way to draw in a new group of readers that would think me kind and gentle in nature. A group that would appreciate the rantings of an old man that had been around the block once or twice. A group that would lie waiting the following week for more of the same as they find in other "Thankful" hop offerings.

And, once the trap is set, the boom is lowered!

Yeah, I'm going back to the ass that has been my signature trademark over the last couple of years. Like it or not, it's me, and I'd be a fool to change it.

Does a leopard change its spots.

Does a zebra change its stripes?

Does a release of body gas change its odor?

Well, two out of three ain't bad.

Anyway, it's back to sarcasm, cynicsm, and analytical observation. Call me the Andy Rooney of the web if you'd like, or, simply call me an ass. Either way, the shoe would possibly fit my mouth.So, let us begin our weekly trek into the strange and the unknown. It ought to be interesting since I've been sick with some sort of flu bug for three days and haven't given this any thought whatsoever. Yeah, Lizzi's sitting on the edge of her seat right now, wondering how far this will go. Just for you, my dear, I'll try to keep it respectful.

And, yes dear, the moon is made of green cheese. I ate some earlier.

You read the gas statement above ... right?

So, again, it's now time for Ten Things Of Thankful!!!I'm thankful for ...

"Driving? Oh, you mean I'm supposedto be driving? Who knew?"

1) ... slow drivers in fast lanes. What a boring place the world would be without some moron driving 20 mph below the speed limit in the fast lane. It's so exciting to watch brake lights flash and vehicle nose dive as they come up quickly on the tail end of these wonderful individuals. Whatever possesses them to live in the realm of excitement and danger is beyond me. Most tend to be more concerned with texting or talking to someone else to realize the position in which they've put themselves. (Still, you have to admire the fact that they display their stupidity with courage!)

Bad? Sure,but guess what,I'm not as bad as some others!

2) ... McDonalds fans. Recently, there have been a hoard of articles condemning food from restaurants other than McDonalds. A Philadelphia group conducted a survey to prove that restaurant food in places other than chains like Mickey D's had just as many, if not more, calories, as well as more sodium and other nasty chemicals. So, it's not a matter that Mickey D's is bad for you, they've now taken the fun out of going to any restaurant and enjoying a meal. In other words, stay at home and have a salad filled with chemically tainted lettuce and tomatoes. Amazing, it's not how bad food can be, it's simply a matter of finding some that's worse to make yours seem better! (I guess these guys HAVE been taking lessons from politicians! Duhhhhhhhhhh!)

"Yeah, I was in that movie, too! I bet you'dhave seen me there if I was taller!"

3) ... Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. I re-watched this film this week (When you're sick what else is there to do?) and saw an old friend. During the pod race, there, sitting next to the future Darth Vader's owner, was the little person that held the starring role in Willow!!! I guess he found a friend in George Lucas and took advantage of that relationship to stay working. Of course, he couldn't have ever have become a big star, at least not literally. Not at under four feet tall. (Hey, damn it, at least I didn't use the old descriptive phrase "midget"!)

What? You expected ice to talk?

4) ... ice. Yes, I said ice! Not necessarily the ice and snow type, but the type you have in the freezer of your refrigerator if it's working properly! Think of how lousy some drinks would be if you didn't have ice. I mean, Starbucks alone would lose thousands of dollars a week if people didn't drink their iced coffee variations. Of course, these people are idiots as they could simply save the coffee from breakfast and use it later in the day with some ice and flavoring, but what the hell, idiots are idiots. Without ice, the phrase, "...on the rocks" would either become a thing of the past, or be a phrase for those that wished to moisten their kidney stones! Slushes would become only syrup and water! And, much to the dismay of kids of all ages, ice cream would become only cream! Thus, a Coke Float would become ... well, crap! (Never thought of ice that way, did you? Must be suffering from "brain freeze", huh?)

Child services in France has denounced the following as role models ...

5) ... Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears. These two have recently had their newest videos pulled from daytime television in France because they are considered too racy. In other words, if you want the smut, you have to stay up after 10 p.m. to see it in France. When I was growing up, France was the leader in racy material. Any movie made in France was to be viewed late at night. Isn't it nice to see that America has lowered its standards and become the new world leader in smut? Kind of warms the heart, doesn't it? (Excuse me, I forgot it's time for your nightly visit a Russian porn site. "Nyet?")

"We'll always get more than wegive, of that, you can be sure! You think we're crazy!"

6) ... Jay-Z and Beyonce. Both of these artists love to proclaim themselves generous to and loving of their fans. I guess that's because both of them have decided to become the leaders in raising the prices one pays for a cd these days. Both have come out with new music in the last few months at a price tag of $15.99. Now, I really don't care if you think you're God's gift to mankind, I'm not going to pay that for a single cd. In fact, I may never again buy one of their cd's. My life is going along fine without them as I've found no shakes or late night sweating attacks without purchasing their latest attempts to bilk the American public. After amassing a collection of close to 7.000 cd's and over 127,000 songs, these two may have just helped me start the break the OCD. (Damn, can't let these greedy bastards hear that, they'll try to find a way to sue for psychiatric fees!)

"I did not have relations with ...oops, wrong speech!"

7) ... New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Finally, an honest politician ... of sorts! No hidden backstabbing for Christie. No, just good old "You F**k with me and I'll F**k with you" in the open! Trouble is, he's now trying to cover this up by blaming it on others. Story goes that since Ft. Lee Mayor Mark Skolich (a Democrat) refused to endorse Christie (a Republican) for governor last November, Christie said "Take this" and closed the interstate off ramp to Ft. Lee for four days last September. If Christie would only man up and take responsibility, I'm sure he'd gather more votes for being a man than his opponents could ever gain for being backstabbing asses pretending to be holier than thou saints. Alas, I'm afraid it was just too good to be true. (Once an lying politician, always a lying politician!)

8) ... drinking alcohol. No, I never thought it would be happening, but a Swedish study has proven that women who drink cut down the risk of developing Multiple Sclerosis 50%. That's right! You cut down your chances of getting MS 50% if you drink more that 4 ounces of either wine or spirits per week. Of course, your kids may go hungry and your husband may look for a woman whose body odor doesn't always remind him of his college room mate after a wild weekend, but you'll reduce your chances of getting MS. So, drink yourself into a frenzy and enjoy life without MS or a driver's license! (At least that way you won't have to worry about picking the kids up from soccer practice!)

"How much they paying you to pose?""I don't know. How much are theypaying you to pose?"

9) ... Pawnation. This website has just published an article about how to keep cats warm in winter. It discusses an creating an outside shelter, making sure a water bowl doesn't freeze, putting anti-freeze in a place cats can't get to it, and then, of all things, it comes up with a sure fire way to make sure your cats don't get cold ... "Keep them inside." What a revelation!!! Why didn't I think of that??? The answer is so simple yet so complex. Who would ever have thought of keeping a house cat inside in the winter? Just because we keep them inside in the Summer, I'm sure we all thought of letting them run free in the freezing Winter. Why, of course we're all idiots without a brain. That's why we all go around singing, "If I only had a brain" from the Wizard of Oz!!! (Sometimes, you just gotta wonder who approves stuff like this to be published on a corporate website! Remind me to never visit their sponsor!)

"So, what does this tell you? That'sright, I'm hungry and munching on af**king cookie. God, you're a genius!"

10) ... body language experts. Speaking of Governor Christie, it has now been expressed by body language experts that the governor was lying when he stated he knew nothing of the exit closure. I've read several books on body language, and most conflict with each other. Eyes looking the wrong direction, arms clenched, leaning forward to emphasize a point, etc. ... seem to mean different things to different experts. Of course, this goes along with many of my other philosophies concerning experts in the topic in which I minored in college ... psychology. To me, psychologists are just like meteorologists. "If you get it right, you look like God. If you get it wrong, blame it on God!" (What was the Beatles song, "I say Yes, you say No, I say Why, you say I don't know"? Yep, it's all just like that!)