Month: December 2018

I said it before and I’ll say it again. 2018 was not the best but definitely not the worst especially now that I am realizing I did learn a lot of things this year. It was not as shitty as 2017 as we all know that’s the year I suffered a lot. However, true to what I believed, 2018 was the year of my healing. It wasn’t all bright and sunshine-y because maybe, I was thinking that healing is this really happy place of acceptance and repentance and love and everything hopeful only to find out that healing is embracing pain, lifting yourself up every time you fall down, it’s forgiving others and mostly yourself for every stupid thing that put you in pain, it’s learning to open your doors again, it’s understanding that there would be circumstances that will break your heart but you’ll eventually be okay, it’s meeting other people and learning from them, it’s being okay with solitude, it’s a lot of things far better than what I thought it would be. Although definitely difficult, still, it’s beautiful.

2018, my year of healing, you did not let me down. God did not let me down and of course, the universe did not let me the fuck down this time and gave me a fully healed heart. So I will share with you guys my top/favourite things I learned this year.

No other than, self-love. It wasn’t easy to love myself knowing full well that I am so flawed. That I hurt people, I am judgmental and I always always close my door without giving other people chances whatsoever so it’s really hard for me to love myself because of who I have become but this year, I learned and I was able to give myself some loving and the rest just followed! Everything changed and I am happy!

Balancing my pride. It was hard because I am filled with pride and if it can kill, I’m already dead but this year was just so humbling that I learned how to balance my pride and all that.

I understood that imperfections and losing a bit of control is okay. Sometimes, being too controlling can ruin your life so I stopped and learned how to let things go without the automatic palpitations that comes with it.

I accepted the fact that there will always always always be room for improvement therefor it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to not be the best.

I don’t have anything planned for 2019 yet because I am trying to teach myself how to get through each day with the “one day at a time” mentality. Mostly it will be very very very difficult for me but at least, I am trying. I have set mini goals though and maybe these are resolutions? I am not sure but whatever.

One of my main problems is I suck at replying to people. Whether it is a message or a comment, I suck at it. The most that people get from me is if they tweet me because 80% of the time, I wouldn’t miss w twitter comment or something like that. Although there’s about 20% chance I would miss it but still.. (oh forgive me for the use of ellipses he he) so this year, I will work more on my ability to actually reply to people. It’s not their fault I suck at it and it’s nothing personal. 80% of the time, I didn’t get to see it. AT ALL. and 20% I reply on my head. This time I’ll be more reliable when it comes to virtual communication. Hayy

I don’t know but I don’t save people’s numbers on my phone. I guess I’m too irresponsible and lazy to do so. This year, I’ll try to save people’s number!!

I’ll try to smile more. I don’t do it in person that’s why I get mistaken for being super sungit but I’m just really shy. Too shy to smile levelz.

I was writing my year recap when I decided to stop and read what I wrote last year. My oh my, 2017 was actually really bad. Worse than 2018 I swear hahaha. I was cringing the entire time when I read my past entries. Grabe, nkklk.

I attempted to write my highlights or even do a year recap but it’s pointless, most of my highlights have already been written here (so ano? Paulit ulit tayo haha)

Instead, let me write about how happy I am.

I am not really a festive person, I don’t like celebrating things especially Christmas because I have been always grieving for the past years. Laging may namamatay and it’s just so lonely to even think of celebrating in a funeral home diba? So the best plot twist that 2018 gave me is to have a chance of celebrating this year’s Christmas day filled with joy and happiness. I mean it’s still not perfect because 2 of my brothers are not home for Christmas but this is the first time that no one died and no heart breaking incident happened. Of course, like I said it wasn’t perfect because I don’t have enough money to buy people gifts but the good side is I don’t have money because they held my salary because…I am already turning over my work!!! I have finally submitted my resignation letter muhahahaa.

So what else am I happy about despite my nagtitipid ass?

FULLY HEALED FROM THE PAST!!!!!!!!

(not) ready to start my new job in Feb!

My mental health is in a better state compared to the past months filled with anxiety.

What else? Ahhh I can’t think of anything else to write about. I am just really happy right now and I hope everyone else is happy too.

By the way, how was your Christmas celebration? Did you guys celebrate Christmas?

Mini side chika: we didn’t really prepare for Christmas as in we didn’t cook anything. We spent our Christmas day at our relative’s house where other relatives stay there to celebrate too. It was really fun and for the first time in many years, it felt good to celebrate Christmas.

I miss chikahan with you guys so tonight, I will visit your blogs muhahaha. Bye!

It took me 2 years to finally move on from all the pain and sabi sa cliché time heal all wounds at napatunayan ko nanaman nga na totoo yan. Time really did heal all the wounds, hindi lang sakin pati na rin sa dati kong friends.

I always miss the point of living in the NOW only to be reminded by several things, events and most especially, God to stop overthinking what will be.

I worry so much about tomorrow that I miss the point of today. Don’t be like me.

Stop worrying about the future because it’s always uncertain. How sure are we that the future we’re thinking about will exist if we die tomorrow? Or what if we die today and instead of living in the moment, we kept thinking about what will happen next week?

So stop it. Whatever it is you’re worrying about, forget it. We can always and only hope for so much, for things to be better and convenient but it’s a waste of time to think about it to the point that you’re wasting away your days.

—

Last last week I think, was the week I kept crying. Every day, I worry about my finances. My family’s needs, my needs, travel funds and all that crap. As in naiiyak ako point blank just thinking about it and Kyx would comfort me, he would assure me that I don’t need to worry because he’s there with me et cetera, et cetera. Aside from I can actually rely on Kyx in times of needs, ang tagal pa ng iniisip ko! It’s not even here yet, it’s not even about to happen. It’s all in my head and I keep stressing myself about it. Ano ba yan?

Can I just say that Ari’s Thank U, Next is how I want to close 2018? Hah! It’s very timely.

Anyway, I am writing this on the 1st day of the last month of 2018 and I can’t help but feel actually happy that this year is almost over. It wasn’t the best but thankfully, it wasn’t that bad either! So here’s stuff I want to share with you:

It has been a year of healing for me. I’ve spent so many days learning to let go, embracing my journey to moving on from the pain. No matter how slow my progress has been, this year made me really go for it, yaknowamseyn?

This year is when Kyx and I finally moved on to a different stage of our relationship. We veered off from our pettiness without even noticing it so I’m all for it! I loved it!

There has been so many heartaches I faced this year but what’s good to point out is that it wasn’t about anything from the past. They’re mere heartaches of the present and there’s something about it that makes me feel stronger? Like at least I am dealing with present things right?

I’ve finally learned how to love myself. I mean we all have the notion of loving ourselves but not really knowing how to do it and how it works. This year taught me that and made me realize how I should take care of myself.

No more forced interactions just so I could be called “nice” or “polite” and that means a fuck ton for me. I love just being true to myself now more than ever.

I’ve prepared myself for what’s in store for me in 2019. I mean I know 2019 would be a lot tougher compared to 2018 but I’d like to say that I’m stronger so it’s going to be fine won’t it?

I’m actually excited for the days to come. My doors are open, I’m ready for more growth, for more opportunities!

2018, you were really awesome. I mean you didn’t mean for life to be this dumb for me but I had a good time. I’ve had loads of memories both good and bad, not to mention all the stuff I’ve learned! I’m sorry I want this year to be over but you’re unforgettable anyway *wink wink*