Thursday, May 12, 2011

Through The Eyes Of...

Um, wait... only ten? As in 10? Not like, a glucose-saturated gazillion va-million?!

Ok, fine. While many more could be on the list, the assignment calls for 10 and we wouldn't want this list to go on forever. So, I'll limit those items that rise to the top notches of the list. But this won't be a list of Ten Things that I hate about diabetes. No, it's not about ME here... rather, this list will be Ten Things To Hate About Diabetes, Through The Eyes Of...

(drum roll, please...)

1. The Riley Dog: You aren't my friend, diabetes. You make my daddy not want to play with me. Instead of tossing the ball, taking me on a walk, or running around the backyard with me, he sometimes needs to just sit down and rest and eat some of that yummy people food or apple juice. And sometimes, at night when we're all sleeping, you show up and make daddy yell. I think he's playing, but when I jump up on the bed he gets scared and tries to get away from me and starts yelling. That scares me, and I go run and hide in my B-E-D. But at least I have a chew toy and can pretend I'm squeezing you with my teeth, diabetes.

2. Shadow Cat: You know, diabetes... I am the dominant and most important being in this household, yet somehow you fail to realize that. You have no respect for authority and insist on stealing The Idiot's attention when he could very well be paying attention to me. And sometimes, when you get in the way in the middle of the night, like that oaf-of-a-dog mentions above, those paramedics are summoned to the house and steal my thunder. You are taking away from my World Domination Plotting, see, and I won't stand for that any longer. You've been warned, diabetes. Disobey at your own peril.

3. Cell Phone: I love it when people use me to talk or send messages. But diabetes, you bring this tone of conversation to a level I'd rather avoid. You cause Mike to get all angry and yell at the insurance company people on the phone, rather than having those pleasant conversations I so much appreciate. That makes my phone-ears hurt and it really stresses me out, making me lose signals and drop calls randomly. There's only so many times one can hear the same "On Hold" music before he screams "Supervisor" at the non-helpful representative on the other end of the phone. Being the middle man sucks when you're pulling the strings, diabetes. Tone it down, please.

4. Insurance Flex Account Card: You put so much wear and tear on me, diabetes. Rather than using me occasionally at a pharmacy or periodic doctor's visit, you make it so that I'm one of the most frequently-used cards in the wallet of Member ID #1234. Many of my fellow Flex Cards don't ever get to that point of being maxed out, but you make it so that's not the case for me. Less and less can be covered and that just isn't fair for me, because then I get blamed for the crappy coverage. You complicate my life, diabetes.

5. Alarm Clock: Diabetes, you screw with my mission in life and I hate you for that. All my world entails is to wake people up, and Mike has relied on me for years to help him achieve this sleep-no-more status. Yet, you jump into bed with him in the middle of the night and act like a pair of earmuffs on him. He doesn't hear my shrills to awaken, either because you've lowered his blood sugar or pushed it skyward - both leading him to sleep longer and ignore me completely. That leads to Lost Time, and then he gets mad at me for not doing a better job. It even motivates him to set two alarms rather than one on certain nights, doubling my workload with a 3 a.m. wake-up-call and adding pressure to my already full plate. I hate you. Luckily, Mike does have a backup that can do what I can't - actually fetch him those glucose tabs that sit in a jar next to me on the nightstand. His Loving and Supporting Spouse does great, in times when I can't get around your stupidity.

6. My Top Layer of Skin: Diabetes, all you do is cause me pain. You force needles into me on a constant basis, to the point where some of those needles need to pierce me every two or three days. But I have a tough time keeping up, and as a result I find myself covered in scar tissue and my wide campus of real estate is limited. That's what pushed Mike to go on a several-month pump hiatus last year, just to get away from the constant site changes. That allowed me to heal a little, but then we went back to the pump and the cycle began again. Syringes aren't perfect, but in a way they're a break or freedom from being constantly attached to something. Oh, do I love for those times when we get a totally free shower... where nothing is attached. But those are few and far between. It's all your fault diabetes.

7. Minimed CGM Sensor: If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be a CGM Sensor... instead, my bits and pieces would probably be ingredients in some other medical supply or device. But no. You make me what I am - a hideous, inaccurate, fear-inducing D-Device sensor. First, I look like a bumble bee. Yes, one of those yellow and black lined insects that have scary stingers designed to pierce one's skin. Seriously. That's what I see when looking in the mirror, and it's your fault. Am I the byproduct of some engineer's sick sense of humor? Who knows. But what is known is that you've made a mockery of me, diabetes, and I despise you for it.

8. Minimed Veo Pump: When it comes to diabetes, I hate the FDA. This is because if it wasn't for the stupid policies of that U.S. beaucratic nightmare agency, I might actually be living in America. Those moronic government officials would actually be asking the correct questions and be concerned about real, practical safety and regulatory medical device issues instead of the WRONG things. They might realize that diabetes kills many people in their sleep at night, and that's what is the biggest issue facing those Living With Diabetes - not the Highs that could cause DKA and possibly lead to complications at some point in the future. I hope they start asking the right questions soon, so that the country can have a fruitful discussion about the real issues of getting me approved in the U.S.

9. Apple Juice & Glucose Tabs: We tag-teamed this one for a specific reason - to let you know, diabetes, that you don't make life easy for us. See, we have very sugar-rich contents that can truly serve an important function for a Low Blood Sugar. However, you toss in your "low brain symptoms" and "shuddering and shaking" and that makes it even more difficult for people to get what they need from us. We have little clear wrappers that initially seal us from the lips, and these symptoms just don't make it any easier for the person trying to access our sugar content. In the haste of trying to get us opened, people have tossed us to the ground or stabbed us with a knife. That's just not cool. You need to relax and ease into these Lows a little better, friend. For everyone's sake.

10. My Pancreas: What can I say???? Diabetes, you are the bane of my existence. I hate you, more than words can portray. How do I possibly express the hurt that I hope you'll someday incur? Maybe, just maybe, someday there will be a Cure. And you'll finally get your ass kicked.

So that's the List of Ten.

But even with all those items and so many more, we must take a moment to recognize a common thread that runs through each perspective and can only be described as something we LOVE about diabetes.

Hoskins Home Internet Connection Network: Thank you, diabetes, for lighting up my online world in recent years - especially on Wednesday nights, when the universe expands to the point of bursting because of something known as #dsma... You complete me, diabetes, and bring me together with so many wonderful friends scattered across the world on home or work computers, mobile devices, or anyplace the Internet can reach. Together, we truly are making a different worldwide.

Your Corner Booth Host

Mike Hoskins

Who Am I?

Just a guy in his 30s, who's been living with Type 1 diabetes since the age of five. A husband, friend, dog owner, journalist, writer, history lover, movie buff, Sigma Pi Man, and huge fan of Coffee & Conversation.

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I'm spending most of my time these days writing about diabetes over atDiabetesMine... I'm very proud of the diabetes journalism work there, so make sure to go check out that "diabetes newspaper with a personal twist." Meanwhile, it's fun keeping tabs on my personal life adventures here at The Corner Booth.

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