The Family (Or most of them)

January 9, 2008

Cold Climate Car Calamities and Other Nerdy Newsbriefs

SO YOU WONDER WHY US ADVANCED INTERPLANETARY BEINGS FROM OTHER SOLAR SYSTEMS VIEW EARTH AND THE HUMAN RACE AS DOOMED TO EXTINCTION?

Here, in no particular order, are three random samples:

WINNIPEG -- A 52-year-old man, raised on the frigid Prairie landscape of Canada's Great White North, committed the ultimate winter stupidity on Tuesday and paid for it the next morning when he couldn't get into his own car.

Mr. Within Without, dubbed "Four Eyes" by his 19-year-old daughter, told police he "had a brain fart" when he decided to take advantage of unseasonably warm temperatures and wash his filthy car Tuesday evening.

Unfortunately for Mr. Without, the temperature --predictably -- dropped so much on a January night that when he tried to enter his car Wednesday morning to go to work, the locks to his car were frozen and he couldn't get in.

Witnesses say he spent the next 15 minutes using knives and other instruments trying to enter the car and appeared to be a thug breaking in, so they called the police. (OK, I'm just kidding, but bear with me; or bare with me)

Sirens blaring, the cops descended on the unsuspecting and frustrated would-be motorist, whose request that the police draw their guns and shoot him was rejected. After explaining the situation, the stand-off was resolved.

"D'oh!" said Mr. Without in an expression of pure intelligence. "I hate winter. It freezes my brain."

The police, scuttling their laughter, let Mr. Without off with a warning and passed him a copy of "How to Survive a Winterpeg Winter" by Homo Escapeons.

*****

*****

AN incident in which a Fijian soldier urinated on a Japanese woman on a plane has ended up doing "untold damage" to Fiji, the country's main daily says in a strongly worded editorial today.It was commenting after the international carrier Air Pacific published its annual report saying its Fiji-Japan route was performing poorly.

The report made no mention of the incident in March last year when a drunk Fiji soldier on a flight from Japan exposed himself and then urinated on a Japanese woman in her seat. The incident made major headlines in Japan.

In its editorial today the Fiji Times said it was an "appalling incident" that was an urgent reminder to every person in that country.

"This unforgivable offence has caused untold damage in Japan a market which Fiji has strived for decades to cultivate," the newspaper said.

"All it takes is one moment of stupidity to paint a black picture of this nation and her people in a lucrative market. The incident has generated widespread, negative publicity at a time when we need it the least."

The newspaper said the whole country had to "share in the shame he has brought upon his uniform and to this country. Urinating on a tourist on an international flight is a high-profile incident which gains global notoriety.

"It is a brief moment which brings unwanted exposure (eds note: HA HA HA!) and deprives the economy of millions of dollars in revenue."

*****

Kuala Lumpur -- A Vietnamese tourist got more than he bargained for when he patted the buttock of a policewoman on New Year's Day.

Vu Minh Vinh, 44, committed the offence while the 27-year-old police officer was standing in front of an outlet at KLCC in Jalan Ampang at 10pm on Jan 1.

20 comments:

Well, I must say you are only the second person that I know of that washed his car in the winter and then saw the humor in it freezing up and not peritting you access. Perhaps next time you will see that your car has feelings and that unless you want to jump in a lake naked as a jay bird first, you won't bathe your car when it is cold outside....smiles.

Something similar happened to me during my college years. A boyfriend and I got into a snowball fight and I ran to my car and opened the door to shield myself from his onslaught of snowballs. He just kept on throwing those suckers and the door frame and lock and whatnot got snow in/on them.

I continued to have trouble unlocking that car door in the winter for many, many years later. I hope yours won't have the same problem because of this one lapse in judgement of yours.

Oh, and I did some of the same things that HE and Pamela mentioned - hairdryer and lighter/matches. One night I didn't have matches and I ended up rubbing my key frantically to heat it up - looked like I was jerking off my key.

I'm kinda relieved that I only need push a button now to unlock my car.

where was I..Oh Yeah!I can just hear por wittle widdin widout wimpering..

WW: Nurse Keshi it really hurts right hereKeshi: Here?WW: No lowerKeshi: Here?WW: a little bit lower Keshi: Oh Dear then I had better go get Doctor Romalotti. He is the only one trained to use the Electron Microscope.

First: I'm a little drunk. That may explain the rest of this stuff. (I wrote all that first and then this last).

Oh man, I look forward to cold like that... Canberra winters are not friendly. Actually they're a lot like Longwood East winters, where I grew up and haven't lived for about eight years. Well I remember going on winter holidays up north for the warmth, and then coming home to the freezing cold hill. Fun times, in my childhood. But I loved the summers and the springtimes up there, with mum's beautiful garden in full bloom and the sun shining and the whole 40 acre property at my disposal for my amusement... I miss being eight.

Do you ever develop a feeling about somebody and wonder if it's reciprocated? I sometimes think of you as kind of like an uncle or something. And then I think, I'm just one of a hundred other bloggers and I'm quite sure you don't think of me as a niece! Then again, I don't really like any of my real uncles (except slightly two of them but even them I haven't spoken to in years and years) so maybe that's not such a compliment. Sometimes I think I'd like to meet Nicolas Cage and have a beer with him, he seems like good uncle material too. I'm short on decent family, my kids are going to have so many aunts and uncles who aren't really related at all. They'll be so confused. I remember when I was a kid asking my mum, "are John and Nola my aunt and uncle, or just family friends?" They're just friends, btw. I had no idea, we saw them just as much. More.

Man, I've had such a shitty week. I just had to kind of drink a little and then blab. I'm sorry it had to be your blog I did it to! I cbf making a whole new blog post of my own.

The world of Farcebook

I have kids on Farcebook. And friends. And a fiance. And all are very intelligent human beings.

I am on Farcebook myself. But it is the TV of life now. It is the simple, devoid of ideas, unintelligent way of humans communicating. I am not saying people who don't Farcebook are any more intelligent, necessarily.

They are people who , I believe, are like newspaper readers are to television viewers --people of more depth -- and I mean that with no disrespect.

And they are people who need and want more depth, not less, in their lives.