With Each Child, A New Expectation Enters the World

Thought about all the hate on the loose in our dysfunctional human family.

Thought about the upcoming day of remembrance tomorrow. April 16, another year, another Holocaust Memorial.

Thought about my Mother.

She didn’t teach hate. My mother could easily have taught me to hate the members of that other clan. The clan that murdered her child, and her Mother.

But she didn’t. Didn’t once say: Hate!

He didn’t teach hate either. My father could have easily taught me to hate the members of that other clan. The clan that murdered the two women he loved more than anything else in the world. His younger sister and his widowed Mother.

But he didn’t. Didn’t once say: Hate!

We can teach hate or something else.

No, we don’t have to preach love, if we’re not ready for love. Most of us aren’t. Not really. Loving your own children, family, clan and best friend and the people who like your Facebook page is easy love. Love with an upper case L is tougher to earn.

Loving the injured child screaming for revenge; making sure she doesn’t harm herself or anyone else–that would be a good start.

What expectation entered the world when you were born? What is the one thing in your family line that calls to be healed and turned into a source of strength; which story needs to be re-written before you pass it on to your child?

11 Responses to “With Each Child, A New Expectation Enters the World”

I feel I have healed some big things in my family line since starting this practice. But recently I think it is the feeling of anger. I think my lineage has this deep sense of past injustice and many in my family still carry some of that past anger. I feel like I get to open up to all that anger and show them no matter what love and forgiveness are possible. Healing step by step no matter how big or small can really transform those deep rooted orphans.

As a parent I do my best to lead with love in any situation showing my child love heals, and softens even the most difficult situations.

The expectation in my family line is to have a “PERFECT LIFE” – everything happening at perfect time and to loose hope, faith and give up if things didn’t go there way. I do not want to pass this to my children. It is perfect to be imperfect. Its absolutely okay to let go and not to hold things too tight and control every damn situation of our life. This is the healing that needs to happen from my mom’s family line.
My dad’s family line believes in tough love, wants their kids to be strong & not vulnerable. I want to heal this aspect and not pass this to my children. Its absolutely okay to be vulnerable, its okay to feel all emotions and I want to support them every step as a guardian but not dictate what they should be doing or feeling
Something I need to heal for myself is setting goals and achieving them and not giving myself permission to lead a “LIFE” till I get what I want and then go on and set next goal. I think I started this trend. Its okay to have children late, its okay to be different, its okay if people judge you, but I want to ensure I don’t judge myself and be critical towards “Self”. I want to end this trend before my children arrives and make sure they don’t carry this tradition forward.

Shame. It’s a silent member of my family. I can always remember my mother saying “Don’t tell anyone this..” Even for the most mundane things such as how much she spent on groceries. I can vividly remember one time I was telling my mother about my conversation with my therapist. I had spoken about my late grandfather. My mother quickly turned her head from what she was doing, looked at me and said, ” You shouldn’t say that.” Really? If I can’t say something to my therapist, who the heck CAN I say it to??? That’s just a snippet of how everything was to be hidden. I learned shame of my feelings, my body , my wants and desires. It’s no wonder I am shamed about my journey to become a mother. One of the things I’m most excited to teach my child to be is to love him/herself in their entirety.

You hit the spot Lori. That’s another thing in my mother’s family line. Thanks to FH work, I think I did improve in this area. This was in turn making me think critically about me and ashamed of myself depriving me of my energy

That is powerful, not to teach hate. Your parents had the right to teach hate, but didn’t.That is what we are called to do, to not teach hate. Prejudice is teaching hate – I guess we all have some of that, even if it is judging someone for weighing too much. My father had the expectation that his children would not be normal – they would be better that average or something? Always a pressure. I do not want to pass that on. Are we to be better than average at being compassionate, on helping to nourish our planet – there are so many facets that I now see – growing up it was academics and sociatally recognized achievements. We are all successful because, as you say, Julia, we’re here and we get to play the human game. That is what I would like to pass on -I’m still working on that.

Interesting when family line orphans come along. As hard as it is to feel some of that pain – actually feeling it and allowing it to move through me opens my eyes to compassion on why it is there in the first place. My family line has a very strong fear of being judged/ridiculed by others as well as feeling unjustly punished. I heard a story linked with my grandmother that my mother shared. It was very sad and I could see the hurt it must have caused my grandmother. Interestingly my grandmother shared some fertility issues. She and I seem to be the only women in the family that have had them. Sadly my grandmother had a stillborn with her first pregnancy but was able to have 3 daughters after that – all in her late 30s. (which was in the late 1940s and early 1950 when that was unheard of!). She is my hero and I hope to heal the pain in the line that I was born into. I believe I can with my FH tools. Thank you for the chance to heal this Julia and FH community!

Excellent point Katy !
I distinctly remember all the moves my mom makes (till date) only because she fears being judged and wants to ensure no one gets hurt and she is not judged for what she does and in turn spends a whole lot of energy thinking about what others think rather than what she thinks, feels and wants. I want to heal this aspect and not push this to my children !!

Fear. I don’t want to raise my kids in an environment of stress, anxiety, worry, anger and fear. I want peace. I want security. I want happiness and unconditional, stable love. To this day I am paying the price for things that my parents chose to do, and I’m sure they paid the price for the things their parents did. I don’t come from a long line of healthy, good decision makers. I want that all to stop with me. I’m working so very hard to ensure that my family is not the one I grew up with. I don’t want my kids to have that “what’s in it for me” attitude, or view the world cynically and with guarded eyes. I want them to feel independent and confident, big-hearted and giving. I don’t want them growing up under the same burdens I did.

The first word that popped up in my head when I read this was control. As a member of a military family ( 3 generations) you come into the world and immediately are thrust into situations where you have no control over your path- you are told what base/country you will move to, when it will happen, what school you will attend and that you need to expect not to spend time with your military parent.

You are raised to therefore control everything else and as an officer’s daughter you will need to be polite, respectful, and in control of your emotions. There was no acting out when I attended school on military bases. It was simple not acceptable to make poor choices. It’s a pull yourself up by your bootstraps and suck it up kind of thing.

AND you always have a back up plan- A-Z. I like structure and routine but it can be exhausting to be in control all the time.

When I become a parent, it is my hope to let things go and surrender, just simply surrender and be at peace- I struggle with this ( my need to control) every single day. It’s a part of my healing to simply be.

Heather – I don’t come from military background and I don’t know where in the world I picked this trait.
Given a chance, I want to control all the 50 trillion cells in my body. I need a perfect plan, I want every outcome per my plan and if things change then I can’t take it. Letting go off is such a critical thing that I really need to heal in my life as I feel so exhausted controlling everything and make everything work my way and this is where our expectation orphan grows and falls flat on her nose when things go the other way.
If this is not healed today, I am sure I will make my children’s life a mess. So this orphan tops my list to work on :)

Perfectionism. I refuse to pass on this heavy pressure and burden that was bestowed upon me by my father that would always ask where the other 2 points were when I brought home a 98 on a test. That feeling of not wanting to be free to try classes (or other things) that were out of my comfort zone or fun…..for fear that it might “mess up my average”. My dad has told me exactly 6 times in my life that he was proud of me. I remember every single one in vivid, living color detail. And still, to this day, live for that approval.

I refuse to pass this on. I want to raise children that are independent, critical thinkers, who can debate and negotiate and not be afraid to try things and (God forbid) fail. This is important healing that needs to happen in my family line.

So many overwhelming feelings. After all these yars, we’re embarking on a new journey and even thought we have a lot to learn, we love the experience of being parents. Thank you for your wisdom, support and loving compassion. You’ve been my lighthouse, and anchor and a powerful light giving me continuous signals on how to navigate through my heart.