Working hard not to be defined by the thing that most defines me….

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Tag Archives: Closing Doors

I’m sitting here at my desk, thinking I should be writing about something else, but my mind is wandering around in my head and all that’s going though my mind is circles and spirals and spirals and circles, never-ending, and always coming back to the start.

You see I’m kinda in a very similar position that I found myself just over a year ago, having to move home knowing in a months time I would be jobless and about to start on a new path in my life.

And the world keeps turning.

And today, I’m aware that I have 4 weeks before I have to move again, I’m about to start an MA, my life is very different to what it was then, and will be different again once I move in own my own.

And the world keeps turning.

And as much as the sun always rises and falls reminding me that life goes on I can’t help feeling I’ve managed to end up stuck.

Stuck in a grey area. A grey area of packing boxes, rootlessness and a vague fear I’m on my own and with that brings a recrimination of myself, that I’ve brought this on myself through countless poor choices, and a continuing of mistakes that I keep making, I’ve still not learnt a valuable life lesson that keeps coming my way. But I don’t know what the lesson is, how can I make it right when I don’t know what it is?

For some one who hates the grey area, I’m choosing the wrong the career path in which the grey area is of paramount importance…

The best way I can describe where I am at the moment is stuck in that dingy narrow ‘grey’ corridor between two doors. Now I like to think that once one door closes another opens or more in my case, I’ve slammed one door shut and to hell with the corridor, I’m sprinting towards that other door and I’m hollering and shouting and banging on that other door with my fists, demanding to be let in and then wonder why, when the door has yielded, that I’m greeted with an amazement that this isn’t quite what I thought it was going to be. Arse.

So now, I have to take time, one door is shutting slowly and the other has yet to open, I need to learn to breathe in this area, take it slow, have faith that the right door will open when the time is right. It’s my defensiveness that is making it hard to be here, my keen orderly mind that has tried to control chaos like a big friendly dog, allowing it off the leash when it suits me, because maybe, I feel I would be overwhelmed if I relaxed a bit, a bit shameful that I couldn’t cope with it by myself. Maybe that’s my lesson, chaos is not a pet, it’s an entity and will not be tamed.

I’ve also been humming a song called ‘Somewhere in Between’ it’s from ‘A Sky of Honey’ from the album Arial by Kate Bush. It’s not really my favourite song from the album, but it’s a lovely piece of music, and for the last week, these lyrics have been stuck in my mind….

“Somewhere in between
The waxing and the waning wave
Somewhere in between
What the song and silence say
Somewhere in between
The ticking and the tocking clock
Somewhere in a dream between
Sleep and waking up
Somewhere in between
Breathing out and breathing in
Like twilight is neither night nor morning…”

It’s a bit grey isn’t it? And there it was, why I’ve been humming it for well over a week, It’s all about my corridor, it’s about the grey area, it’s all about that and not about that at all.