Tag Archives: gender roles

I’m going to need you guys to explain something for me. We’ve talked about this topic before on the blog, the propagation of the idea that the advancement of women comes at the expense of men and that there is some sort of power struggle happening in our society and any success or promotion of issues that impact women more directly is negative for men.

I just don’t understand the value of promoting this type of thinking. The author of the article The End of Men, which we’ve talked about here and caused a lot of controversy when it was released last year, was featured in Slate Magazine lately in order to discuss this issue and promote a debate that she will be having on this topic later this month. To remind us, Rosin explains that men are falling behind is the job market because they have failed to adapt to the more stereotypically feminine skill set that is become valuable in our postindustrial economy, skills such communication, empathy, social intelligence and consensus building. For Rosin, there has been a shift in society that is seeing women advancing and men falling behind. Now women have become the dominant gender.

This might be a slightly simplistic presentation of Rosin’s ideas but I’m less interested in the specifics of her arguments right now but rather the underlying assumptions she’s making about human behavior and human interaction. She is very much working within the framework of competition—that success looks a certain way and that there can only be a limited number of people who will be able to achieve this success. She’s not making a case on whether the end of men and the dominance of women is a good thing or a bad thing necessarily but just that it’s a fact; it’s the reality of our current economic order.

What I struggle to understand, however, is the value of engaging in this sort of conversation about interactions between men and women. What’s the conversation hoping to achieve? Why are we seeing these interactions as a zero sum game in which there are winners and losers? This thinking is premised in an understanding that there will always be those at the top and those are the bottom, that the success of one sector of society will necessarily come at the expense of the other. But that type of thinking has gotten us into the inherently competitive social reality in which we now exist. I think we’re all losers now, trapped in a reality that tells us that because of how we look, where we live, and what we do, we have act in a certain way.

Our understanding of our social reality should be advancing, should be building on itself and should recognize the inherent interconnectedness of the well being and welfare of all human beings that is an inescapable fact of reality. Yet continually working within frameworks and thinking that espousing competition and zero sum games doesn’t allow us to advance. It’s the same thinking that has shaped our social reality for years and has allowed for the perpetuation of the same broken systems and institutions which promote sexism, racism, classism, war and violence.

I came across this article from the New York Times that was discussing a new challenge for parents – raising children who do not assume typical gender roles. The article highlights little boys who enjoy dressing up and playing with dolls and girls who want to wear their hair short and play sports with their brothers. This article seems to be a product of the growing number of books and support groups providing advice to parents of children who don’t fit into the normal gender roles.

The thing that stands out to me is that in a rush to avoid putting their children in one category, not allowing gender stereotypes to define their children, parents are rushing to put their kids into other categories such as gay, transgendered, effeminate, masculine, etc. And maybe for some of those kids those categories are the reality. Yet at the same time, it’s not outside the realm of possibility that these kids just like these certain toys, games, style of clothing, with little implication on how the choices and life they will lead at an older age. It seems like we can’t get away from seeking to take certain facets of one’s personality and making it the core of their identity, even in an attempt to be “open minded” and “non judgmental”.

Obviously for the parents featured in the article, this practice is coming out of love for the child and a true desire to want to create a safe and nurturing environment in which their children can grow. Parents don’t want their children to feel as though they can’t be who they truly are. But what does it mean to assume the child is what they do or what they like?

It seems that for many of the parents, social acceptability was something they worried about for their kids. They wanted their children to feel as though what they did and how they behaved was “normal” and just like everybody else. But maybe the greater lesson to the children could be that when they interact with other people they shouldn’t look at people based on what they do and their likes and dislikes but who they are – a human being with the capacity to love, laugh, show kindness, justice and generosity who happens to have a wide range of interests and hobbies. This to me seems like a better way to create acceptance.

A quick glance at a newspaper reveals that many of the problems that exist in the world today are related to issues of gender inequality. So does that mean that the solution can be found in getting rid of gender all together?

A couple in Toronto has decided that they aren’t going to be sharing the gender of their child with others. After the baby was born the parents send out a message to family and friends explaining, “we’ve decided not to share Storm’s sex for now — a tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation, a stand up to what the world could become in Storm’s lifetime (a more progressive place? …).” The couple believes that our culture is obsessed with gender and that gender dictates much of how people treat and respond to others. They believe they are giving their baby the freedom to choose who it wants to be without assigned characteristics based on other people’s understandings of gender identity. They feel like parents make too many decisions for their children, and this is a decision they feel best left to the children themselves.

Much of the criticism of the couples’ decision comes from concerns that the child will be a social experiment. Others express concern that by not acknowledging that the baby has a gender, parents are enforcing the idea that gender is a problem. Some argue that they are making gender a bigger deal than it needs to be by not identifying it; rather gender is just one part of who you are.

The concept of gender not being fixed is not new. In certain circles, people regularly talk about gender not being binary (simply masculine and feminine), the difference between gender and sex and gender identity and gender expression. Yet the decision to actively promote a “gender free” child seems to elicit strong feelings in many people.

We’ve talked about the concept of girl power here before. Here’s another thought on the problem of girl power.

Nineteen Percent shares her thoughts on Beyonce’s latest video “Run the World (Girls)”. She also prefaces her thoughts by saying the following, “It’s a song. I get it. It’s just a song. This video is not about Beyonce. It’s not even really about this song. My point is NOT that she shouldn’t have made this song because of X, Y, and Z. My point IS: Oh, Look! X, Y, and Z exist and this song is a great tie-in to a discussion of feminism.”

I’ve never been the most feminine of girls. I have brothers and a sister who taught me how to defend myself. My father often sarcastically remarks how sorry he is that he raised his daughters to be quiet, timid, meek girls. My parents have always treated us kids equally. When I was a little girl and wanted to play with hot wheels and action figures alongside pink dolls, that was just fine. When I was more inclined to go fishing instead of join ballet with the other girls, I was never discouraged.

So when I decided to get a job in construction, I wasn’t expecting to have a hard time. Probably a little naïve – but I’ve always been just fine in boys’ worlds. But what do you do in a boys’ world that doesn’t know you? How do you remain true to yourself? I could feel that I wasn’t being taken seriously. They weren’t believing I could work as hard as they could. I would hear comments like “This is why you don’t send a woman to do a man’s job.” Sometimes jokes, sometimes not. I wasn’t being given the same opportunities as the boys. They were hesitant to give me the heavier work. I began to feel myself toughening up. Clenching up. Putting on a nasty face. Holding myself differently. Pushing the girl in me away. Feeling I needed to be more masculine in order to be accepted. I felt like I was representing all of womankind – but I couldn’t even do it like a woman. I was stuck wanting to be accepted by my coworkers while remaining resentful of them for not accepting me based on my gender.

I was in unchartered territory. Who do you look to for advice when no other women I know have been in my shoes? Women in these roles typically tend to take on the masculine traits, and that’s how they are accepted. I realized that by taking on these male characteristics, I was being just as harmful as my coworkers who were making hurtful comments. Through my actions, I was essentially saying that yes, there is no way a woman can do this job. The only way a woman can do this job is if she becomes like the men. I didn’t want to cop out like that. I wanted to be a woman – without the disguise.

And then I thought about my parents. How they raised me to be my truest self – always. And I remembered that despite the fact that I played with action figures, I still could play with dolls every once in a while. Remind myself that there was no weakness in being a girl. There is no weakness in expressing to my coworkers my feelings. It was time to forget that I was in the boys’ world, but instead it is a world that we don’t define by gender roles. My standard was no longer the boys’ standard but instead it was time to redefine this standard and acknowledge the woman in me – strong and unflinching. Holding myself to the same standard that my parents held me to, and I would want to hold my daughters to – to recognize their given, feminine attributes, and seeing them as strength. Not a weakness.

I still falter sometimes – too eager to prove myself and my strength. But it’s a process. And it is a process that we are going to have to face if we want true equality.

One last thing – I just want to tell all the women out there that if we are going to achieve that equality, it is going to require us to step outside of our comfort zones. Start small. It’s okay for you to carry the groceries, play catch with your kids, or learn how to drill (take it from me, it’s actually quite easy). Just remember that femininity doesn’t need to be defined by masculinity.

When my mom was little, she invented a game that she would play with her fellow classmates during recess. Skipping around the playground, they would all assume different positions as they played out a vibrant and elaborate character plot – the adventures of a female astronaut. Later, when the women’s liberation movement swept the country, my mom looked on and said, “Well, none of this is new to me!” She’s come from a long line of strong women, but strong in very different ways — there was the resilience of her grandmother, and then inspiring sense of individuality of her mother. My mother brought with her an unflagging, intrinsic belief in gender equality. As a young girl, she appreciated the roles that people play within families, but also understood the foundational respect and power latent within each. My father describes his upcoming as more stereotypical; men did man things, and women knew what they were allowed to do as well. It wasn’t until his mid-twenties that this perspective began to shift — he was knocked sideways by both the illuminating principles of the Baha’i Faith and the undaunted spirit of my mother. Coincidentally, both were introduced to him almost at the same time.

For me, gender equality and a discussion of the critical role of the family unit are inextricably linked. Regardless if it manifests itself in various ways throughout society, in the family this sense of equality it is truly tested. For me, growing up in a family where women outnumber men, I was offered the opportunity to tacitly absorb quite a lot as I watched each sister take charge of her identity, thrusting themselves out into the world. My mother did her best to pass on, in one form or another, those qualities that most define her character — thinking independently, creativity, purposefulness and a strong attitude towards gender equality. We are a large family — a conscious creation of my parents — and with so many children needing to be fed, to be provided for, to be watched over, my mother from an early age assumed the most exquisite of all roles: motherhood. We were fortunate that my father was also a dedicated, loving presence to contribute to our growth and development. However, as we’ve grown, one issue in particular has come to the forefront of our mindsthat of the evolving nature of our family.

Now that none of their children are, well, children, how do we begin to define ourselves? How do we establish new modes of cooperation and communication? How do we continue to expand our family network in ways that are inclusive? And most interestingly, now that the parents are no longer the physical and emotional fulcrums of our lives, how do the children arise to take dedicated ownership of the continued maturation of the family unit. With time and age, we become more aware of our own selves, but we are also able to see our parents for the individuals that they are, with their own spiritual tests and triumphs. The idea of “aspiration’ has arisen at various times in this blog–offering us a chance not to accept a reality that we’ve simply grown accustom to. Of late, our conversations have laid bare each of us; we have come to appreciate frank and open consultation in a new light. Our aspiration for maintaining a strong family identity, regardless of distance and time, has allowed us to express ourselves often in the most vulnerable of ways. Ultimately, sincere expressions of love and care contribute to relationships and give them a sense of movement. We forget that often with our family. It’s easy to neglect and not appreciate the power of sacrifice that my mother has given to ensure that her children are conscious of a sense of purpose. It’s easy to shirk my father’s passing presence, denying him the only thing he’s ever wanted — to know that his children love him. A stereotypical man built on a foundation of dominance has no time for care such as this.

On a more personal level, my sisters have always loved and supported me; literally singing my praises at every chance they get. For the longest time, I simply soaked this in; I didn’t question it, or ask from where they accessed this reservoir of encouragement and compassion. It wasn’t until I was a young adult that I realized that I was not reciprocating. “Típica” I thought one day to myself — I often think in Spanish. But I realized that I had not been practicing this same level of support for the female members of my family. This is inexcusable, especially for male siblings. My sisters have never needed “protection”, the usual role relegated to brothers, but they do deserve something else entirely.

Certainly, power is capacity; and as a family grows older, the test is to see to what extent each member can, despite social constructs of gender roles, accompany each other — this implies an application of qualities that are of the spirit.

Welcome

At the core of this blog is the document “Advancing towards the Equality between Women and Men” prepared by the Institute for Studies in Global Prosperity. However, engendering equality is not just a catchy name, it’s also a process we are all engaged in. In order to give us inspiration to be working towards engendering equality this blog tries to create a space in which actions and reflections are shared by individuals on the promotion of the equality of women and men within their social space.