I lost a friend about two years ago. They just sort of left without any promise of trying to salvage the friendship we had.

They left and they blamed the failed friendship on me.

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As an INFJ, it was so easy to blame myself.

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But, honestly. I blamed myself a lot–so much that I kept trying to save our relationship for almost a year after it had pretty much ended.

As a type that has a “third eye” for emotional needs in situations, I often feel protective of my relationships– like it’s entirely my job to keep things afloat.

And…. It’s not entirely my job.

via MattelWHEW! Thank goodness.

RelationShips are boats that need a two person crew working all the time to keep it afloat.

#horriblepuns #noshame

via Taylorswiftandkittens.tumblr.comBut, really. No one person can sail a RelationShip.

Either it goes the wrong way and someone jumps ship, or it sinks.

And, we both let the ship sink.

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And last night, a whole two years after my friendship had failed, I just broke down and cried.

And it wasn’t out of the blue. I had heard a song that we used to sing together in the car and my fiance loves his favorite video game and I played it for the first time that night. And honestly, the wave had been growing steadily, and it finally reached me and took me for a spin like a towel in a washing machine.

via gifbay.comOr like this guy eating noodles?….

Nights like these had been really hard until last night. Because, when your best friend and fiance is an INTJ, they aren’t really gifted at just listening to you vent and cry. INTJs try to fix everything– because, that’s a logical thing to do when something is broken.

via DisneyBut, somethings are irreparable, like that friendship. And some things you just have to mourn. And for those of you who have an INTJ as a friend or significant other. They can be there for you, but you can’t expect it of them right away.

The INTJs just want to do this when emotions arise.

via FOXINTJs don’t see the logic in crying over something that can’t be fixed. Nothing can be done and they somehow seem to accept this pretty early on after a tragedy like losing a friend.

via FOXIt takes some time for them to understand that the xxFxs in their life don’t really get over things that easily. They process in facts and we process in feelings– so while they accept that the friendship is over, we process all of the good times we will never have again or all of the hurt we experienced.

via Apatow ProductionsThis is how we process and it is not a flaw. And how they process isn’t a flaw either. We just need to understand this difference about each other.

So, now, I understand that when I ask how my fiance feels about something and he says fine, he is really okay. And he has learned that when I cry over something that happened a long time ago that he is not responsible for fixing something that can’t be– I just process the event differently.

Hurray for differences! We get to flourish in the strengths of those around us and in our own.

So, when I was little, I had a borderline (total) obsession with the Little Mermaid (the Disney version).

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#noshame

I thought that it was the ultimate romance– a girl who gives up everything– her life, her voice, her family, etc… for the one she loves.

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And that ladies and gentlemen is what led me into the worst relationships of my life– romantic and unromantic.

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Immature INFJ love is extremely self-destructive– at least mine was.

Immature INFJ love says “How can I help?” just like mature INFJ love does, but it disregards all self-help and even places blame on the self for wrongdoings of other people.

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We INFJs…. always trying to be the savior of humanity….

For example, I once dated a guy who was very demanding– demanding of my time, my attention, and did not like my friends. He was shallow and often took other people’s looks to be offensive if they weren’t to his liking.

All in all, he just wasn’t a very good person.

But, I dated him for almost three years.

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SO MUCH FACEPALM.

I would often think to myself, “Well, SOMEONE has to love this person, right? Love can CHANGE people, right?”

He was the epitome of everything the average INFJ can’t stand about humanity, but I stayed with him because being an INFJ there is a constant battle over feeling responsible for the feelings and morality of other people.

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However, as I matured and learned from bad relationship after bad relationship, I came to the realization that helping people doesn’t always include holding their hand through everything. Sometimes the best thing you can do to love and help a person is to let them fail or let them realize that if they are a horrible person to other people, no one is going to want to be around them.

And honestly, INFJs,– you care a lot and you deserve someone who cares for you back.

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I know we INFJs tend to put a lot of the “caring” pressure on our own shoulders, but no one can carry that alone.

Mature INFJ love is balanced.

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Yes, you can still care the crap out of people– but make sure they do the same for you.

And that is what Mr. Robot does. He may not show it all of the time, but I know he would do anything for me. He stands up for me and what is best for me– and honestly as an INFJ, it’s hard to find people who care for you just as much as you do for them. And, that is what makes this relationship work. It is balanced.

And this can apply to a lot of us– not just INFJs. We all give too much and give too little when we don’t know how to love properly. And that’s fine– nothing is perfect the first, or even the hundredth time. It just takes practice and commitment.

Since Valentine’s Day is around the corner, I figured I would write a bit about how I, an INFJ, and Mr. Robot, and INTJ, go about giving gifts.

MRS. HUMAN, the INFJ

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Until recently, I had more time on my hands. So, when I gave gifts, I often thought about the ones for my close friends very far in advance and would hand make them.

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Well, I tried to make them beautiful.

I had one friend who was obsessed with a certain band’s lead singer. So, for Christmas, I spent all of Christmas break painting a replica of a poster and then also made it glow in the dark. Because, everything is better when it glows in the dark.

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Glow-in-the-dark Beyoncé > Not glow-in-the-dark Beyoncé

Now that I am busier, I tend to buy my gifts, but they are always personal, metaphorical, and sentimental. For example, when I asked my best friend to be my maid of honor, I bought her a necklace with a starfish and a pearl on it. I chose that necklace because we are like starfish because we stick together.

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The cheese is real…..

And I chose the pearl because we have been through difficult times as friends and came out better than before.

MR. ROBOT, the INTJ

For Mr. Robot, gift-giving is an odd human ritual.

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Most of the time, he figures, it is an act which obligates you to return the favor in order to avoid appearing to be rude, or it is required due to events such as birthdays and Christmas and that requirement removes the sentimentality of gift-giving.

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However, when choosing a gift, usefulness is the number one thing Mr. Robot looks for. For example, when we first became friends, Mr. Robot noticed that I complained almost daily about being cold. So, that Christmas, he gave me an electric blanket and it was honestly the most useful gift I have ever received.

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And usefulness is what brings us to our next gift-giving topic….Wrapping paper.

Mr. Robot does not comprehend the purpose of wrapping paper. Well, he does. But, he does not value its function. The wrapping paper hides the gift and makes it a surprise. But, actually getting a gift is a surprise anyway. You usually don’t know what they got you, so why cover it up with wrapping paper?

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For Christmas, when Mr. Robot gave his family their presents, he went around the house and found random tote bags from some closet probably unopened since his childhood and just shoved the gifts in there as a last attempt to fit into our “wrapping” culture.

So, what did I get Mr. Robot for Valentine’s Day?

I got him a box of nerds and a mug that has a pixelated heart on it. And no, I didn’t wrap it.

I got it because it reminded me of when we play Minecraft.

I told him that when I’m without him, my health is really low and that when I’m with him, my heart is full.

It was the ultimate cheesy statement, but it was a metaphor and INFJs can’t help but see metaphors in everything.

How does your personality type affect what kind of gifts you buy or create and like to receive?