“Game of Thrones”: Dick in a Box

After last week’s insane Red Wedding shocker, it would have been pretty impossible for the finale to up the ante any further. But how do folks feel about the capper to Season 3? Let’s dig in!

Roose Bolton (Michael McElhatton) surveys the scene as the Stark army is slaughtered – and before you can say “who brought the pinata?!” they cart out Robb’s body… only with his direwolf’s head sown to it where his own head should be. OUCH.

Also, am I the only one who couldn’t help but remember this scene?:

Yes? Well… humor is my defense mechanism.

Back in King’s Landing, Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) and Sansa (Sophie Turner) walk the promenade with Shae (Sibel Kekilli) trailing a few steps behind. She truly has become Maiden in the Middle, hasn’t she? We learn that Tyrion keeps lists of people he wants to f*ck with just like Arya does, and Sansa tips him off to the Westeros version of the “upper decker”: fill someone’s bed with sheep’s guts and they’ll never know where the smell is coming from. I have a feeling most of the characters on this show don’t smell much better than sheep’s guts on a good day.

They joke that together they are “disgraced daughter and demonic monkey”, which would be a great name for an punk band. But iPod interrupts to drag Tyrion to the Small Council.

There, Tyrion learns that Robb and Catelyn are dead, and that his family had something to do with it. By “something” I of course mean “everything”. Apparently still determined to win Wedding Wars: Westeros Edition, Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) plans to feed Sansa Robb’s head at his wedding.

Tyrion defends her, Joffrey wigs out, and Tywin (Charles Dance) sends him to bed without supper. Tyrion tells his papa that he doesn’t approve of the whole “having people slaughtered at someone else’s wedding” thing and that he refuses to rape Sansa just to get Tywin an heir. Tywin basically tells Tyrion that he should have drowned him in the river like he wanted to when he was born. OUCH THE SEQUEL.

Sansa, meanwhile, has heard the bad news.

Up North, Bran (Isaac Hempstead-Wright) and his friends stumble upon an abandoned village they believe to be haunted by a giant rat that was once a cook who put a king’s son in a pie. Ah – so they’ve made it to Cleveland? Bran shares the wisdom that the gods aren’t cool with people killing guests in their house – not that this has anything to do with anything else going on, mind you. Totally anecdotal.