Brian DeNeal: Rules for a successful Thanksgiving

Brian DeNeal

Wednesday

Nov 26, 2008 at 12:01 AMNov 26, 2008 at 3:27 PM

Diane passes the turkey to her uncle and steals glances as her sweet potato casserole makes its way around. Her sister, Debbie, is several years older and still talks to her like a child sometimes. Debbie puts a small spoonful of casserole on her plate.

Diane passes the turkey to her uncle and steals glances as her sweet potato casserole makes its way around. Her sister Debbie is several years older and still talks to her like a child sometimes. Debbie puts a small spoonful of casserole on her plate.

The food is distributed and the family settles in to eat. Debbie finally takes a bite of the casserole. She does not comment on the flavor.

Diane looks at her food and listens to the forks scrape against the china. She curls her spoon in the mash potato gravy. She lifts a spoonful.

"So, Debbie, do you ever hear from Jack?" Diane says as she takes a bite.

Her mother looks at Diane. Debbie says no.

"You're right, this turkey is tender," her father says.

Jim is the youngest of the family. He is in from Indianapolis. Jim works for a law firm there.

"I can't believe the beating my 401(k) is taking in this recession. It's down almost $10,000 from last year. Incredible," he says.

Michael thinks about that figure. That $10,000 would have all his back child support paid off and then some. He tries to calculate how many months it would take him to accumulate $10,000 at the grocery store.

"Please excuse me for a moment," Debbie says, as she pushes back her chair and leaves the table.

Diane looks down as her mother glares at her. Diane's husband gently places a hand on Diane's thigh.

"I know," she says.

But, no, no, no that is not how Thanksgiving is supposed to be. The holiday is not intended as a day of petty dramatics, hurt feelings, insecurities and old jealousies. But families being families and people being human, unfortunately these things happen from time to time. We must rise above our old slights so as to preserve a few hours of harmony and comfort.

We will later remember the warmth of the house and the smells of rolls in the oven. We will remember the joy on our fathers face to see his children gathered together once again.

We will not take offense to impatient instructions of a stressed mother, aunt, cousin or in-law who overachieves trying to gain respect of the family elders. Stress is a part of the holidays. Everyone is working for the common cause of making the day special. Toes will inevitably be stepped on unless we choose to step aside.

We will respond gracefully to uncomfortable questions about our personal lives and listen patiently to unsolicited advice.

We will try to include everyone at the table in conversation and praise the dishes brought. And if a child is bashful we will recognize it and not put him on the spot with questions we do not need answers to. We will know we are building memories for the child, setting examples and he will appreciate the opportunity of being around family he does not often visit.

And we must pledge not to embarrass children by haranguing them about finishing their plates. The holidays are a time of bounty and are a time to relax the rules about finishing the brussels sprouts before getting a slice of pumpkin pie or leaving the table to play with his cousins. It's OK to waste some food on Thanksgiving. After all, how many leftovers are going to wind up uneaten rotting under aluminum foil in the back of the fridge, anyway?

Thanksgiving is a time for nonbelievers to respect the pre-feast prayer without starting strident religious debates.

People should catch up around the Thanksgiving table, but no one should monopolize the conversation or speak boastfully about successes if there are others around the table in unfavorable conditions.

We must respect our holiday traditions and also accept that traditions change as we go through life changes. We eat with different groups of people as our relationships change. But if we can't go to Aunt Dottie's this year, we should call Aunt Dottie to let her know we are thankful she is a part of our life.

For my part, I'm thankful this year to have been accepted into a new family that comes equipped with a beautiful woman and three already-made children. Here it is Tuesday and we still don't know where we will eat Thanksgiving dinner, with her sister in Owensboro, Ky., my brother in Carbondale or at her house in Harrisburg. Whichever we decide we know we are starting new traditions. To be honest, a day of hiking followed by watching movies and ordering pizza sounds groovy to me.

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