Sign Language: There will never be a better time for Leos to brag about winning that hot dog eating contest

I’m always amazed at how sex-phobic (and, of course, sex-obsessed) our culture is. Certain people make a fuss over anything provocative; even an accidentally-exposed breast can be major drama. Violence, on the other hand, rarely generates such commotion. I think it’s sad that some people would rather see two people kill each other than get it on (especially if those people are different races, or the same genders). You ultra-rational, progressive Aquarians are supposed to be the ones helping move our society along in the right direction. Have you been doing your part? If not, you’ll get your chance to nudge us in the right direction this week. Don’t miss it.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I’m not a very organized person; when I clean my apartment, I simply gather armloads of things from the floor, stuff them in the closet, and slam the door shut. To find one of those items later, half the closet’s contents have to come out so I can get to the one I want. Your minds work similarly; I’ve watched Pisceans work their way towards an idea, taking so many detours, side-trips, and tripping over so many non-sequiturs that it’s a wonder they get to where they’re going at all (often, they don’t). Totally reorganization is too much to ask, regarding my closet or your head. But imposing some orderliness, on both, might be a good idea.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

I just described, above, the Piscean brain as a cluttered closet. Yours, on the other hand, is often like an indoor shooting range: a simple, spare space with a target straight ahead, and the means to reach it. Naturally having that much focus is often extremely useful; occasionally, however, blinders that block out everything but your goal are actually the opposite of helpful, because you miss out on extremely important and relevant information. That’s what’s happening this week; although your objective is in plain sight, there are plenty of things that could potentially trip you up along the way, and will, unless you learn to see the (admittedly confusing) big picture.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

If you see someone crying on the train, go ask them what’s wrong. If a stranger smiles at you, don’t be so suspicious as to not smile back. Treating people like friends–or at the very least potential friends–is totally the way to go this week. That’s right, it’s time to exercise your trust, which, like a muscle, has been slowly atrophying. If you don’t give it a workout now, soon you won’t be able to use it at all. A trustless life is not a very satisfying one. Avoid that sorry fate by having trust in others before you know they deserve it, and giving total strangers a chance to trust in you.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Why is youthfulness inherently beautiful? Is it programmed into our genes? Why don’t we, instead, revere and lust after the signs of a life well-lived? Shouldn’t wrinkles and scars be sexy? I guess for many people they are, of course, but as a whole our culture is fairly youth-obsessed. You’ve done plenty of drooling over sexy bodies and pretty faces, of late. This week, though, give facetime to some of the people whose beauty is more internal than external. You’ll get more out of it than the six-pack abs crowd could ever give you.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

When considering a mate, chemistry is far more important than looks, status, location, or timing–especially for you Cancers. You’re wonderful, but let’s face it–you’re also occasionally a handful. You need someone who can not only handle that, but actually enjoy or love it. Of course, no one out there wants to completely prop you up emotionally, so if you can’t yet handle it all on your own, don’t bother looking for someone to do so for you. But there are plenty of people who’d love to come along for the ride. Find one of them, instead of trying to convince whoever’s nearby that they’d love it, too (because, they probably won’t).

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I like that you think you deserve the best. You do. But so does everyone else, when it comes right down to it. Your confidence is powerful, but it shouldn’t substitute for actual worth, especially when trying to capture someone’s attention or affection. You do have a heck of a lot going for you, but because you’re lazy, you depend a little too heavily on just your natural radiance and poise. This week, dust off some of your metaphorical trophies, and show whoever you’re trying to impress that there’s some substance behind all that shine.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I wish that we could mix and match our characteristics, or even share them with others, sort of like Mr. Potato Head. You, for instance, could unscrew your phenomenal work ethic and lend it to someone else for a while. A few of your friends could make good use of it. While they were transcending their laziness, you could borrow a willingness to luxuriate in pleasure and luxury, which is certainly something I wish you would try out a little more often. Most people who work as hard as you do also play as hard, but you just forget that part of the equation most of the time. This week, won’t you remember it and make good on it?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

An example of how your sign’s symbol, the scale, fits you, is that you like things that make sense and balance each other out: Commit a crime, suffer a punishment; do a good deed, receive praise and acknowledgment. But as you know all too well, not all crimes are punished, and not all good deeds are noticed, let alone rewarded. The world simply isn’t that neat and fair. This week, however, you can make it a little more so–if not for yourself, then for someone else. Don’t get confused, though; it’s not your turn to mete out punishments or hand out prizes. Your job is just to make sure they go to the right people.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Last night I had sex with Jesus. I dreamt he’d come back for a visit and I had hot, likely blasphemous, joyfully dirty sex with him. I think you’re probably the only ones who could understand what a great dream it was. You’re always pushing boundaries, challenging taboos and repudiating pointless prudishness, so this kind of thing is right up your alley. Oh, wait, did I say you’re always pushing boundaries? I meant most of the time. Lately, you’ve sort of been copping out and toeing the line. Care to get your edgy, button-pushing, taboo-shattering reputation back? This week you can. (You already know what you have to do.)

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

I’m realistic about this column; given its nature–a weekly paragraph-long horoscope–it’s necessarily a limited venue. So much can potentially happen in a week (or not) that to attempt to describe it all here would be virtually impossible; instead, I make my best guesses and predictions and hope that you guys find it useful, thought-provoking, entertaining, or funny. Every once in a while, though, I hit the nail on the head, and I have to confess, that feels good. You, too, in one area in your life, are more or less just making stabs in the dark. This week, though, you’re likely to be spot on. Take note of what did the trick, so you can revisit this minor miracle later.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Couples who fight all the time actually have an advantage over you two. You and whoever you’re arguing with this week aren’t used to disagreeing. You’ve rarely, if ever, butted heads before. Those bickering buddies know that their tiff will blow over, because it’s happened dozens of times before already. But you’re not sure how this fight is supposed to play out, because nothing like it’s ever happened before. Look to those seasoned battleaxes for inspiration and guidance. They know how to have a conflict, and how to move past it. It sounds horrible, I know, but it’s not all bad. The nice thing about duking it out with someone is that if and when you’re done fighting, you’re almost always closer and tighter than you were before.