Life Is Like Being In Prison

Please take into account the only knowledge I have of life in prison is from watching such fine movies as Shawshank Redemption, The New Guy and An Innocent Man or from news specials on television. The other day it occurred to me, with this extensive knowledge of prison life and my own life experiences, how much life is like being in prison. I have no doubts that life is actually better than being in prison, its just difficult to see the difference sometimes.

Life in a marriage is like being in prison because within your first few days in prison you either have to kill someone, make someone your bitch or become someone else’s bitch for protection. This is just like marriage – except for the murder part…usually. As soon as you get married you MUST establish your dominance. If you fail to do this things may seem very ambiguous for a while. Just remember, if you are not sure you are the boss, you are definitely the bitch. The tricky part is that the position of bitch can, and will, change throughout the course of your life and marriage. Remember the good times (when you are the boss) and try to wade through the bad ones (when you are the bitch). I have to tell you this: you can get used to being the bitch. I have. I’ve been the bitch for over eight years now and I’ve become very comfortable in that role. I’m not just saying this because my wife will probably read this, either.(please send help!!)

Life is like being in prison because of money. In prison the criminals work for a fraction of minimum wage and typically work the most menial of jobs for this pittance. In life, what you bring home often seems like a pittance once you have paid the mortgage, car payments, insurance, credit card bills, etc. The few measly dollars you have left at the end of all the bill paying ends up in your pocket unless your spouse (the boss) “needs” it for something else. (she is spending all of my money!!)

Life at work is like being in prison because of the cells. Each day the prisoners are forced to spend a a lot of time in a small cell, either with or without a cellmate. Depending on the severity of their crime and the security level of their prison they, at the very least, have to spend the night in their cell. This is probably about eight to ten hours of each day. In life our cells have been renamed “cubicles.” We are also forced to spend eight to ten hours each day in these cubicles. The only real difference between the prison cell and the cubicle is when you spend your time there. In prison you are locked in your cell at night and released into the general population during the day. In life you spend your days in your cubicle and are released into “the wild” at night. Another similarity (or difference, depending on your point of view) is that in prison you have to try to avoid the roving gangs and try not to make enemies with the wrong people. In life you spend your days at work trying not to draw too much attention to yourself and try not to make enemies with the wrong people. Becoming an enemy of the boss’s favorite lap dog can be almost as deadly and worrisome as accidently “wronging” the head of a gang. Instead of the Bloods or the Latin Kings you have to watch out for the Brown Nosers.

Life with children is like being in prison because of the violence. The depths of violence to which prisoners will sink never ceases to amaze me. They will stab, strangle, burn and kill their fellow prisoners. Life is very similar. It also never ceases to amaze me the violent acts which children will commit against each other and their parents. In the few short years I have had children I have been bitten, stabbed, beaten and burned. Just when you think the violence is at an end that adorable three to five-year-old will come running at you under the ploy of wanting a hug. Remember – their skulls are perfectly placed such that a full speed impact may very well shatter your testicles. They do this on purpose. It is sort of like a survival mechanism. No testicles = no more children (rivals). Wear a cup or codpiece at all times. You won’t regret it. (the ER is starting to ask questions!! i need a way out!!)

Life with children is like being in prision because of feeding time. In prison, if you are working in the kitchen, you have the other inmates throwing things at you and telling you to hurry up and they are never, ever happy with the food or the effort you have put into making it. In life with children the children are also invariably unhappy with the food you have made and can be just as ungrateful. They want more choices, it’s too hot, it’s too cold, it smells funny…you get the picture. Even if they cannot speak they will let you know of their displeasure. You will get food thrown at your or the floor and you will be spit upon. In prison and in life I think it would be best if the food preparers were to wear ponchos while at work. (how can I ask them to eat what looks and smells like cat food??!!)

Even though Life Is Like Being In Prison, it is not a prison. You get to roam around somewhat freely and do most of what you want as long as you check in with the boss. If you are reading this and you are in prison, I guess at least your wife isn’t right there nagging you and saying: ” I know you should have shanked that guy yesterday. Now he’s just going to come after you in the food line.” There are obviously benefits to both as there are two sides to every coin. Take a look around you and try, however hard it may be, to find the good in your situation. (it’s all a lie.!! life is like being in prison!! someone help me get out of this living hell!!)