Paul Horner seen here, has been missing since December 12th after he told his 1st grade class that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy do not exist.

DeQuincy, Louisiana — Parents have brought a class action lawsuit against the DeQuincy Elementary School in Louisiana over comments made by a first grade teacher back on December 12th. According to first graders, 45-year-old Paul Horner told his class that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy do not exist.

Principal Courtney Groves explained to reporters what happened that fateful day. “Besides Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy not existing, Horner also told the class that their parents lie to them because they don’t love them. Horner told the students that their whole life is a lie and they should go f*ck themselves,” Groves said. “Horner then jumped on his desk and climbed out through one of the panels in the ceiling. We have not been able to locate Mr. Horner since this incident.”

Eric Burns who is a parent of one of the first graders in Horner’s class said he’s disappointed in the school. “We trust the school and teachers to give them a good education. This is exactly what happens when you take god out of school. Teachers should be teaching about actual events that happened like Jesus walking on water and how the gays will burn in hell, and not all this evolution mumbo jumbo.”

Parent Susan Miller who is organizing the lawsuit against the school said her son will have emotional scars for life. “My little Billy can’t sleep at night,” Miller sobs. “He keeps thinking that he’s not getting any presents for Christmas. He also keeps telling both my husband and I that we should go f*ck ourselves and that the government uses fear to suppress and control society.”

This is not the first incident with Horner who has been employed at the DeQuincy Elementary School for only six months. In October of this year he was given a warning for being highly intoxicated while at work after he was caught by staff members urinating in the coffee maker. His random drug test in November came back positive for PCP, ecstasy, cocaine, embalming fluid and an unknown horse tranquilizer. He was put on administrative leave without pay but unfortunately the school could not find a replacement and Horner was given his job back.

For any information on Horner’s whereabouts please contact the DeQuincy Police Department at (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

The Ass Press
Posted: 06/23/2012 7:15:14 AM PDT

Washington, DC — Under strict orders by psychiatrists and other health officials worried about DEA Chief Michele Leonhart’s mental health, the Judiciary Subcommittee met again late Friday. This time with questions a little more elementary and straightforward.

This all stemmed from Wednesday’s Subcommittee hearing where two congressman, Jared Polis and Steve Cohen, pursued almost identical lines of questioning to the head of the Drug Enforcement Administration, only to have their questions stonewalled and unanswered.

The questions on Wednesday were related to the use of marijuana and the agencies position on it’s health risks to society. Leonhart dodged questions about whether drugs like crack, cocaine, meth and heroin are worse than marijuana. She was repeatedly pressed on the relative health impacts of marijuana versus other drugs, but would not give a direct answer.

Leading the questioning on Friday was Republican Congressman Paul Horner from Arizona. Here are just a few of the excerpts from yesterday’s questioning:

Horner: “Ms. Leonhart, thank you for joining us. After your odd display of actions here on Wednesday, we all have become quite concerned about the state of your mental health. So let’s start with a few basic questions and then go from there, ok?”

Leonhart: “Ok.”

Horner: “Let me first start off by asking you if know whether the number five is greater or less than the number two?”

Leonhart: “Those are both numbers.”

Horner: “No, that is not what I’m asking you. Is the number five greater than the number two?”

Leonhart: “Those are, um… those are both prime numbers.”

Horner: “Incorrect again. Let me simplify it for you further. If Bill had five bananas and Jane had two bananas, who would have more bananas?

Leonhart: “The problem with the amount of bananas in our society really depends on supply and demand. Our administration works hand in hand with different agencies to bring the distributors and suppliers to justice.”

Leonhart: “They are both problems that society has attempted to stop at one time or another.”

Horner: “What about the Black Plague, starvation, the recession, cancer, Tyler Perry, Snooki and Aids all combined into one evil force… would that evil force be worse than marijuana?”

Leonhart: “That would be bad. As for the outcome on society, I was not around during the Black Plague, but I have seen Tyler Perry and Snooki, so maybe, in my own personal opinion, marijuana might not be as bad as that.”

Congressman Horner talked to reporters after the screening and considers what happened there a big success. “Ms. Leonhart is obviously slow. She exhibits symptoms of impaired judgement, short-term memory loss and poor critical thinking. These are all the classic signs of someone high on marijuana.” Horner continued, “But she does realize that this evil force that I talked about could be worse than the marijuana that she probably uses herself. So it’s a great start.”

Reporters talked to Knoshon Mootron, a homeless man from Arizona detoxification centers, about the mental health of Leonhart. “This woman is out of her goddamn mind.” Mootron continued, “That lady is in there trying to debate that marijuana is worse than crack, cocaine, heroin and meth… and she’s in charge of the DEA? Oh my lawd, I actually heard that woman say the words “marijuana addiction,” Moontron laughs. Then Moontron went on to explain how he would run the DEA if he was in charge. “Get me up in there, shiiit. Next time those crackers up there asking me questions like that I’ll tell em’, ‘Yo! I don’t make the laws homeboys, I just enforces them.’ That’s it, that’s all she had to say. Damn.”

DEA Chief Leonhart will appear on Dancing With The Stars next month. She won’t admit if this show is worse than marijuana, but does say people that smoke marijuana are prone to deadly and addictive dances of death.

VIDEO: DEA Chief Michele Leonhart, after a possible head injury, giving it her best effort to answer questions at the Judiciary Subcommittee hearings on Wednesday