A Daddy’s Letter to His Little Girl (About Her Future Husband)

After stumbling across destructive advice, licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Kelly Flanagan writes a letter to his daughter about what really matters in a relationship.

Dear Cutie-Pie,

Recently, your mother and I were searching for an answer on Google. Halfway through entering the question, Google returned a list of the most popular searches in the world. Perched at the top of the list was “How to keep him interested.”

It startled me. I scanned several of the countless articles about how to be sexy and sexual, when to bring him a beer versus a sandwich, and the ways to make him feel smart and superior.

And I got angry.

Little One, it is not, has never been, and never will be your job to “keep him interested.”

Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)

If you can trust your worth in this way, you will be attractive in the most important sense of the word: you will attract a boy who is both capable of interest and who wants to spend his one life investing all of his interest in you.

Little One, I want to tell you about the boy who doesn’t need to be kept interested, because he knows you are interesting:

I don’t care if he puts his elbows on the dinner table—as long as he puts his eyes on the way your nose scrunches when you smile. And then can’t stop looking.

I don’t care if he can’t play a bit of golf with me—as long as he can play with the children you give him and revel in all the glorious and frustrating ways they are just like you.

I don’t care if he doesn’t follow his wallet—as long as he follows his heart and it always leads him back to you.

I don’t care if he is strong—as long as he gives you the space to exercise the strength that is in your heart.

I couldn’t care less how he votes—as long as he wakes up every morning and daily elects you to a place of honor in your home and a place of reverence in his heart.

I don’t care about the color of his skin—as long as he paints the canvas of your lives with brushstrokes of patience, and sacrifice, and vulnerability, and tenderness.

I don’t care if he was raised in this religion or that religion or no religion—as long as he was raised to value the sacred and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred.

In the end, Little One, if you stumble across a man like that and he and I have nothing else in common, we will have the most important thing in common:

You.

Because in the end, Little One, the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you.

Your eternally interested guy,

Daddy

♦◊♦

This post is, of course, dedicated to my daughter, my Cutie-Pie. But I also want to dedicate it beyond her.

I wrote it for my wife, who has courageously held on to her sense of worth and has always held me accountable to being that kind of “boy.”

I wrote it for every grown woman I have met inside and outside of my therapy office—the women who have never known this voice of a Daddy.

And I wrote it for the generation of boys-becoming-men who need to be reminded of what is really important—my little girl finding a loving, lifelong companion is dependent upon at least one of you figuring this out. I’m praying for you.

Kelly is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Wheaton, IL. He writes and blogs regularly about life, love, and community at his blog, UnTangled. Kelly is married, has three children, and enjoys learning from them how to be a kid again. You can find him on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+.

It is not my interest to discuss if the letter is heterenormative or not, the spirit of the letter is clear and undestandable. But i do think that you cite a thing as really important and then you completely miss it, and i want to ask your permission to add it as complement to this beautiful letter (sorry about my english): You told her, at the end she JUST NEEDS TO BE HERSELF, but you dont talk her about how to be herself. You dont learn how to be yourself just by respecting how your parner vote or not, who he/she prays for or not, etc, You learn to be yourself when you understand you should keep hunting your dreams despite how many times you fail, and failures hasnt anything to be ashamed of, when you understand you have the right, or obligation, to ask again when you didnt understand, that you need to defend others when they’re being attacked just for being themselves. You grow when you ask yourself why do you really dress/dance/talk/think the way you do and you have the enough bravery to ask others and hear them why do they dress/dance/talk/think the way they do. You won’t become yourself just by doing the things in the way you want to do them, you become yourself by confronting why have you or havent you done the most important things in your life, taking decisions about those feelings and commit to act upon them.

Thank you for this. These are the messages I tried to instill my daughter as she was growing, comments best distilled what I said to her when she twelve or so and really looking at boys for the first time: “If he doesn’t worship the ground you walk on, I want to know why.” Today, her wonderful husband’s motto is the old addage: “Happy wife, happy life.” I think the message got through.

Speaking as a woman who’s dad never played an active role in her life, I think this letter is lovely. Every child should hear words like these. Words to encourage them to be themselves and happy with who they are. We all should just take this at face value…it’s a letter of acceptance and love from a father to a daughter. Nothing more. Nothing less. It seems this little girl is blessed.

People need to start calming down and stop looking into points that haven’t been made on this letter.
It’s a beautiful piece of writing and it is what it is. It’s not implying more than what it is saying and everyone should take from it whatever they feel appropriate.
Stop making it about yourself guys. I totally agree with what he’s saying given that not so long ago (1950s) women were ‘expected’ to behave in a certain way around their husbands and portray a certain image to ‘keep them interested.’ So much progress has been done since then and women now have a much more powerful voice and vote.

Who is he praying to, the God that he doesn’t care if his future son in law believes in? If you are Christian, you definitely care if your daughter finds someone she is equally yoked with. I tell my daughter it is one of the most important things.

It’s because you speak your beliefs so harshly that people get driven away by Christianity. (I don’t mean to single you out, Lori, but I have poor wording so please excuse it.) I respect your point, and can even agree with it… But it’s because you lack compassion, even I feel a bit resentful.

Obviously you tell your daughter this out of love and concern, yes? So where is that love now? Do you post this to spite the man, and others?

I can understand you being a bit up-set… But please don’t post things like this with such rude commentary. God loves each and everyone all the same; just because you’re a believer, doesn’t mean you’re any better than anyone else. Thank you.

You are so wrong. I’m currently dating a girl who did not have many Christian values at all. It is because of me that she has found faith and the community of faith has grown once more. Even if she did not come to know God in God’s essence as I have come to, I would still love her, so too would our Lord.

I’m happy for you! But please don’t say it was because of you that she found God – in the end, all credit goes to Him… God used you to bring her to His truth, that I am sure of… However, it wasn’t you alone who did it.

To be honest, I respect that you have found faith and it helps you, but this idea that somehow a man of a certain faith is the only one who will bring your daughter (or woman in the case of a son) happiness is kind of ludicrous. Being close minded is one of those very traps that good people fall into when it comes to things such as marriage and finding love. It doesn’t matter what “God” they worship but whether or not they believe in and practice some of the core values that all humans should share.

Ultimately, religion is extremely subjective, and Lori whether you like it or not, people of every faith in the world will continue to believe they have the truth. But if your daughter found somebody who truly loved her for who she was and possessed the qualities that would keep him faithful for the rest of their lives, would you really care about something like “faith”? At that point, the fact that he is a good human being who truly cares for your daughter should easily trump the fact that he is of a different faith.

Responding to this beautiful piece with close mindedness and a blatant statement about religious similarities dictating a peaceful happy marriage (which in some cases is true, but in other cases not true) simply reiterates the point that Kelly Flanagan makes about the lack of credible advice about the topic he has chosen to write about in the first place. Because of so many misguided preconceptions, we end up perpetuating negative aspects of society. When it comes to religion, you can believe anything, but there is no verifiable truth that any group actually holds the truth; it’s just something we take on faith (and some people choose not to believe). Ultimately, the one thing we can ALL agree on are some of the universal values that benefit all of humanity and if a man possesses those and is able to see past the material, HUMAN constructs that we have built between ourselves, whether they be racial, socioeconomic, cultural or religious, then this man should be deemed worthy of marrying your daughter regardless of his religious affiliation.

The way I read it, I don’t think that’s quite what he is trying to say. I think it’s more about finding someone who cherishes and respects all of who you are, not someone who will ask you to change any part of you that makes you, well, you. And about respecting yourself. It shouldn’t be your job at all to alter the essence of your being to make yourself more appealing to your partner.

Where does it say he has to treat her like a princess? if you think loving someone everyday for who they are, respecting them, valuing they heart and mind is being a princes.. If you think being humble, loving, compassionate, and sacrificing and working hard to give someone a a good honest is just treating them like a princess…. I am pretty sure you will never have a healthy, mature , true,relationship – you will never understand what its like to out the person you love before you… … trust me none of those things are lame.

7 IYAR 5774
A bit late, just saw this, but where, in that article did the man state that “it’s up to him to do all the job and to treat her like a princess?”

That article was spot-on, and I say this as a female who has been reading this cal [with a great deal of laughter] most of my life: Always aimed at the gal, this is the hairstyle you must have, make him feel masculine, and remember that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach [stupid, stupid], so learn to cook, bring him a drink [forget about his ever getting her a soda] and have the beer chilled just right, or to sum up: Be a good droogie, a slave, anticipate HIS needs and he will be your prize. That’s pathetic.

Excuse me, but if you are a christian, all you care is that he will act like one, live like one, been a loving husband, a nice person, a good father and a nice human been. Thats all. Religions are made by people, but nice actions are just as christian as going to church every sunday.

Wow! This was beautiful! Thank you so much for writing this!
I have come across books and websites that tell you who to be, how to be, how to
“catch” a man! Its SO SAD!!! All one has to do is be themselves and love who they are!
and only be with a man they receive love from! This was wonderful specially written by a man! Thank you!

You know, I understand the point this man is trying to get across, but I think he went about it in the worst way possible. Once upon a time, my parents told me the exact same thing. That one day, I would meet the man of my dreams. That we would settle down and have some kids, and life would be a fairy tale.
Well, five years later, I moved two thousand miles away because I couldn’t stand disappointing my family anymore. I’m never gonna have that perfect white-picket fence my parents want for me, because I’m gay. Also, childbirth is just about the most horrifying thing I can think of, so not planning on having kids any time soon (which I have repeatedly been told is just a phase, and that some magical maternal instinct will kick in “when I’m ready”). So for all you nay-sayers who think that we should be looking at what he MEANT to say rather than what he actually said, let me tell you personally, it doesn’t matter. I didn’t feel worthless for the bulk of my childhood because my parents were abusive -they weren’t. They were good honest people who did a great job raising me. I felt worthless because that wasn’t enough for me to turn out right. No matter what, I’m never gonna give them the future they wanted to give me. Why? Because that future involved a man.

He can’t think of every thing, but it’s good not to settle for someone who treats you bad. A fairy tale would be a handsome, rich prince which this guy isn’t saying is important. You can still “turn out right” if you don’t have a man (or woman), but if you choose, choose wisely. You can’t always please your parents, you do the best you can for you, and you can’t control another’s disappointment.

So the message to you is… know that you are worthy of interest. Right now, you are not feeling your worth. Live your life… the way you feel is right. Don’t let these creepy, sad Christians or people’s expectations bring you down! I don’t. To me, love is love… it’s regardless of gender. Take that, hateful Christians!

Hi:
Our father was a bit of a tyrant, and will never forget the time when he said, “When you are in my house you do as I say, and when you are married, you will do as your husband says.” Not in my lifetime.
Or he would bleat “When you have children you will understand.” Never was interested in that, knew at age 11, this gal would be forever childfree by choice. He looked a bit stunned and once had the nerve to bleat that it would be nice to have grandchildren, and all I could think was “Better shop at the Grandkids store, ’cause my brother and I want no part of that.”

that’s exactly right. Thank you pointing it out. My grandmother immigrated to the US in the 50’s and had 9 children. 4 of which then married people of radically different racial background and one who was gay. Her love and acceptance of non-traditional norms (especially in the 60’s and 70’s) has earned her a place of utmost love and respect in our family. She was, and is, the most loving, open minded person I have ever known. Point is, we need more parents and grandparents who set aside societal fears, and embrace their children for whomever they aspire to be and to love.

Wow. I don’t think for one second that this guy intentionally left out anything… People, quit being so sensitive! The bottom line, he wants her to be loved and respected and cherished… As long as those requirements are met, he doesn’t CARE about gay straight black yellow white Christian or not! Stop reading between the lines… There is NO hidden agenda here, just a wonderful letter written from daddy to daughter. End of story.

Wow! These comments are absolutely ridiculous! This letter from a daddy to a daughter is hate free, beautiful in every way…. There’s nothing but positive loving words! Goes to show that haters will hate no matter what! Instead of looking at the positive you all try to dissect it, trying your hardest to find something wrong with anything! Get a grip! Religious or not! Who cares….! I hope that kind of man for my little ones! But most of all I hope they don’t grow to be a hater… Finding the negative in people because they are so insecure and unhappy with themselves they have to find something wrong with anything and everything. Open your eyes!!!

What a beautiful letter you have written. Your daughter is blessed to have a father as loving as you are. Thank you for writing this letter to all of us girls who’s father won’t and don’t care to be here for us. You made me cry. I just had my 3rd little girl and my husband adores them all so much. I am so thankful that my girls will always know unconditional from their Daddy.

I agree with what this man has said. I think it is important for everyone to understand the importance of unconditional love. It is important to learn to give it and it is important to learn to receive it.
I do just want to say that while love should not need to be earned in a marriage, marriages are not built on love alone. Strong marriages are built on service, respect, sacrifice and communication and commitment. Those are all actions. Those are things this man’s daughter will have to do to keep her marriage strong. She cannot just sit by and expect to be loved unconditionally. I don’t think it’s what he meant but I just felt I needed to clarify that.
I remember a talk given by a leader at my church about the love of God. He said it’s better to be trusted than to be loved.

@Thanda: “She cannot just sit by and expect to be loved unconditionally. I don’t think it’s what he meant”

I don’t know if that’s what he meant, but the article sounded dangerously like it: “the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you.”
On all the points, the author mentioned what the guy should do, but never what her daughter should. Thus, all the burden seem to fall on the guy’s shoulders.

I’m sure the author had the best intention, but the message to his daughter sounds very close to entitlement: “You deserve to be loved without doing anything”.
Yeah, in theory that sounds dreamy… but, to me, it smells like narcissism as well.

Valter said it best. I am a woman raising a little boy, and I would send him a similar, albeit different message.

This letters reads like something someone wrote primarily to get attention. I apologize for sounding so cynical, but the letter is laden with lovely ideas, sentimental images, and poetic devices which all actually amount to very little in an actual romantic relationship. Perhaps he didn’t write this letter so that women can gush all over its warm and fuzzy sentiments. After all, he is right: it is sickening how many “what can you do to nab your guy” advice is trolling our girls today, all the while boys receive virtually no “advice” of this type. However, it’s detrimental to tell someone (who is already loved by her parent) that she simply needs to “be herself”. I did that throughout my twenties and I had to learn the hard way that all my relationships failed because my temper tantrums were inexcusable, I had the tendency to place blame in my partner before I examined my own behavior, my interactions with guys lacked loving warmth and intimacy, my words when communicating with guys rarely involved positive messages to them about who they are and what they meant to me, and so on, and so forth. A relationship is a two-way street. I intend to tell my son to be the best he can be, and that he should appreciate and cherish himself for all the efforts he’ll put forth in self-improvement. Of course, if his partner does not see all those thoughtful efforts, then yes, move on. But the effort of examining one-self is a constantly evolving effort, and the lessons you learn from this intellectual growth is the heart of maintaining a loving relationship.

Part of being yourself is accepting others just the way they are. Don’t try to chenge them. And if the decide to leave, you didn’t “fail” – they wanted to leave! Gosh, you guys need to learn how to be happy on your own, or you’ll never make someone else happy…

Ah, people, why do you always always have to lament about something that hasn’t been said in a post, e.g. the girls behaviour towards the guy? This is a highly positive letter with an idea which has been explained in detain by the author – its not implying that a girl/woman must expect a guy to deliver without reciprocating in the same manner. It emphasises just one moment from all the relationship dynamics – the importance that a guy/man respects the girls/womans personality and acceps it. Way too many young women and girls don‘t hear the things that have been said in this lovely letter, even growing up in loving families (e.g. my parents were never good at vocalising such things and I had to learn all that in a way of trials and heartbreaks). Theres nothing about entitlement – its all about knowing your own worth, so that you don‘t end up in unhealthy relationship, where you are required to change (not just make normal compromises) in order to be „loved“.

I’ll have to disagree. While being a Christian doesn’t guarantee you’ll be a good person and not being a Christian doesn’t guarantee you’ll be a bad person, it’s quite it important that two people who intend spending the rest of their lives together and raising children together; it’s important that they have the same fundamental values, not just about right and wrong but also specifically about religion.

For example suppose a couple has a teen child. Suppose the child has a big test/exam coming up on Monday and one of the “Good” parents, who’s not religious, feels the child should spend Sunday studying so as to be ready for the exam. But suppose the other “Good” parent feels the child should rather dedicate Sunday (The Sabbath) to the Lord and that the Lord will help them to remember all that they had been taught and all that they had already studied. Now to the irreligious parent this will sound like complete nonsense and he knows (or rather thinks he knows) that there is no God and that no-one and nothing can help that child pass more than spending more time studying. To the religious parent it is utterly ridiculous to even question the existence and power of God.

Another example: in the Mormon faith they believe that a family can be together forever. Some other faith’s believe in “death do us part” and other people believe there is no life after death. Imagine one spouse looking forward to an eternity with the man/woman they love while the man or woman they loves sees nothing beyond the few decades (if their lucky) that they will have on earth.

That’s just a couple of many example of the importance of having the same fundamental faith: whether it’s Christian, Muslim, atheist, scientologist or whatever it might be.

Why must religion be always discussed? I was raised in a strong faith Catholic family. I would love for my future wife to be Catholic, but it is not the most important thing. This man hit it right on the head. As long as a man is strong in values and merit, what else is there? I have believed for a while that as long as a person respects my faith and acts within the basic laws of Christ, which every man of any faith can abide to, that is a good person. Treat each other fairly, do not steal, lie, cheat or murder. Act in compassion and love, not hate or anger. Forgive. Why can’t we act this way?

Some of these comments??? I can’t believe the beauty and sincerity of this article has been so easily overlooked.
It’s such a shame.
Anyway, this article is awesome mostly because it is genuine and heartfelt. It is a gem because it is exposing the lies in magazines etc. Mind you, I do not plan on marriage or any kind of romantic relationship, but this is truly valuable. Thank you Dr. I had to figure out my worth on my own, no one really told me but God-willingly I made ok choices and ended up valuing myself very much. This is really sweet – Iove it.

Suddenly, something nicely put always turns into a religious battle. Will you all, no matter what religion or belief you have, cut this bullshit and enjoy the wisdom that was displayed on this page? It’s because of simple minded people such as some individuals who always tend to bring ‘god and jesus’ and so forth into a picture the moment it doesn’t fit right with them. Stop shoving your beliefs and religions down other peoples throats and just enjoy what’s put out there. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it and leave others to their own faith. No one is raised the same and taught the same, nor should they be ridiculed because they don’t agree or see from the same point of view as you. If religion has taught you anything, it should be that we’re all one and we’re all connected. No matter what aspect of religion you look at, we’re all children of another and you are part of them and they are part of you. Point a finger and 4 point back at you. Enjoy it, stop criticizing, no one here is telling anyone how to raise their kids. Those of you *cough Lori *, if you were told raising your daughter Christian is just ridiculous and no one should even believe in shit like Chris and God, you wouldn’t feel good about it, so why do it to others. Stop being one of THOSE Christians and just let it be. If you REALLY believe in your faith, there would never be need for you to prove anything.

Beautiful letter and post, Daddy. I wish all daddies understood the importance of their relationship and building into their daughters from the time they are young. It is beyond critical. Your post reminds me so much of a a great new, actually renewed, book we’ve been reading. Great for all dads of daughters. We’re loving it, so I have to share… It’s called “She Calls Me Daddy: 7 Things You Need to Know About Building a Complete Daughter,” by Robert Wolgemuth. Originally released in the 90s, it was a best seller. His girls are grown up and give their own input along with their husbands who are daddies to girls. I understand 40% of the book is new material. It’s so unique in this way. Robert puts the anxieties of Daddy raising his girl(s) to rest, guiding you through challenges and good times – protecting, conversation, affection, discipline, laughter, faith, conduct. So great for helping daddies learn to lead, love and cherish. I highly recommend it!

[…] As soon fathers hold their daughters, they begin worrying about protecting them. Part of that protection is keeping them away from bad guys and hoping they find one of the good ones. That’s what Kelly Flanagan, a psychologist, addressed in an open letter to his young daughter, posted on the Good Men Project. […]

[…] Entitled A Daddy’s Letter To His Little Girl (About Her Future Husband), Dr Flanagan’s letter has received thousands of Facebook likes since appearing on a popular blog called The Good Men Project. […]

[…] Entitled A Daddy’s Letter To His Little Girl (About Her Future Husband), Dr Flanagan’s letter has received thousands of Facebook likes since appearing on a popular blog called The Good Men Project. […]

[…] Getting what I need in the most unlikely of places. Like this letter from a father to his daughter and in re-watching movies like “Must Love Dogs.” http://goodmenproject.com/families/a-daddys-letter-to-his-little-girl-about-her-future-husband-aklap… […]

[…] Entitled A Daddy’s Letter To His Little Girl (About Her Future Husband), Dr Flanagan’s letter has received thousands of Facebook likes since appearing on a popular blog called The Good Men Project. […]

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