my boyfriend has a problem and I have gone online to look for some info/advice on this type of relationship anxiety but havent really found anything...maybe some of you guys out there can relate. He is a pretty secure guy in almost all aspects. He is talented and gorgeous and has lots of friends. He by no means controling of me and is cool with me talking to other guys when we are out (w. the occasional playfully 'jealous' comment) not posessive or jealous to any excessive degree at all. But he has one major issue which comes up every once in a while and makes him very depressed and withdrawn sometimes for hours at a time - thinking about me having sex with ex boyfriends. I have had my share of exes before him but no more than most and not even as many as him! He knows it is illigical and feels embarassed and stupid about it but canít control it once it starts. Sometimes I donít even have to actually mention an ex (which I rarely do, so it's not because I talk alot about them), I can just talk about something that happened in the past that occured when I was dating someone else and that sets the wheels in motion - he is reminded that I have been with other people and he starts to get vivid pictures in his head about me having sex with another guy. We talk openly about it which is good but I really dont know what to do when he gets in one of these spells..I feel bad and nothing I say seems to help. Guys out there - if any of you have this problem, what is the best thing for a girlfriend to say or do to calm you down?

no, he doesnt get mad or yell at all - just gets quiet and depressed and I can tell he's in a lot of pain. I try to tell him hiw much those other guys paled in comparison but that doesnt work at all...but saying how much I love him over & over works a little bit...he's 27 so don't feel too bad...

You know that is kinda funny I was the excact same way with my ex-girlfriend. When we first started dating, and I was very much into her and was quite sexual to say the least. I wanted to know everything about her, every guy she slept with every way she had sex. How she like sex based by position, partner, body cavity, etc. I don't know why I wanted to know ... I guess I just lusted after her soo much that I wanted to know everything about her. Her childhood and her adulthood. I wanted to know how intimate she was with her other b/f's so I knew how to act around them when we ran into them (don't ask me). Anyways, I got off on the fact that she has "really been around" (this should of been a warning sign right there), and I knew all the details of her past sex life. I knew it all and I ultimately used it to destroy her self-esteem and lead to her leaving me. I ended up holding the same things I asked to know, over her head. Again, don't ask me why as I do not know. I do know that I would say mean things when I was drunk (oh like that is something new) and usually bring an ex into it, like "I cannot believe you had sex with Bob". And not like I cared or could do anything about it, but I would bring it up. Maybe I really did care, I don't know. I do know that I really did not need to know any of it in the beginning and maybe it really did make me sad and/or depressed, but I turned it around and used it against her. She left me for someone who "loved her for her", I did and still do but I never showed it.

I don't want to guess about a sensitive situation but I will tell you how I have thought and the way some men think, so see if you know of any reason he might have this on his mind---I have let it bother me some in the past when knowing my girlfriends have had bigger. I'm not small but dang if it doesn't seem everytime I hook up with a woman and eventually know some things about their ex boyfriends it turns out they have had bigger than me and even told me they had more orgasms with the bigger men. Size may not matter to many women but the one's I meet always care at least some. It's not so easy for some men to not get a bit insecure about that. Is there any reason you know of for him to be concerned about that? Anything he has asked or you have said to him to give you a glue about what is going on inside his head whether it be about size or something else?

I personally don't like to hear about my girlfriends past boyfriends/sexual experiences. Whenever she mentions a past occurence, I get irritated and quiet. I also think I get angry at her but don't really let it show. I just DON'T want to hear about it, and yes I get visions of her with past guys too. I don't want to come out and say, "Look, I don't care about your past sexual experience story, so just don't tell me," but I think I'm going to end up saying that sooner than later. It's strange because I knew she wasn't a virgin, but when she talked about a past sexual experience, she kind of went into detail and I was turned off and angry... I'm not alone, but this is a good issue to discuss.

Now that I'm officially only a month from being designated something on the order of an "olde flatulence" - I can "fess-up"...

I think, despite our attempts to act "cool" or hide it, most of us "guys" don't like to think about the details of our love interest in past sexual throughs. We are territorial, by nature. Time-delayed sloppy-seconds are NOT something we pride ourselves upon. It is only natural to bristle at the appearance of someone you KNOW had past experience in the "sack" with your lady.

I realize that half the self-supposed "civilized" universe will claim I suffer from an over-load of fecal matter. Oh well !!!

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Am I here, yet ???

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Our minds evolved to communicate. It's our "forte". The less we "share", the more limited we remain as both individuals and as a species. ~ Ben There (10-23-03)

Here's another good example to women to take heed that when it comes to past men in their lives they should lie lie lie if they like the current guy enough to want it to go further and develop a relationship with him. Guys ask and clearly say they don't care and just want to know. But in all honesty they don't, and would rather you lie. Especially if he really likes you. The less men he thinks you have been with the better chance of having a long term relationship with him. Unless you have children or been married before which would be absolute evidence you have been with other men. Guys really want to hear, "Your the only guy I have gone as far as I've gone with and all others amounted to at the most some heavy petting". LOL! Of course I'm exaggerating a bit here but there is truth to this as well to some degree.

And then again, regardless of gender, there's the propensity to dislike being COMPARED to past flames ~ especially in the physical/pleasure categories. My Japanese "ex" was horrible in that regard. But I digress (as usual)...

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Our minds evolved to communicate. It's our "forte". The less we "share", the more limited we remain as both individuals and as a species. ~ Ben There (10-23-03)

thought i would join this conversation and try to keep it going after what looks like about a week. i am a guy, and like many of the others who have written, i don't really like hearing about my girlfriend's past. i do know of one guy that she dated for roughly five years--until he got violent and the relationship ended. i know that for many years he was an important part of her life, and i don't mind occasionally hearing about him. what i don't like hearing about are the numerous other guys she's been with casually, presumably between the time when they broke up about two years ago and the time that we've been quite serious--roughly for the past six months.

i think the total number of guys she's been with is about 10, although i told her i really didn't want to know the details. i've only been with one other girl besides her. i shy away from talking about my sexual past with her, except for sharing positions, etc that i've found enjoyable.

she's also almost five years younger than i am (20 as opposed to my being 25)

my questions are for both women who man be in a situation similar to hers and for guys in my situation. how do i tell her that i really don't want to hear references to her sexual past without sounding defensive and uptight? also, and more importantly, how do i avoid feelings of jealousy and mistrust, especially given that she lives halfway around the world and we only get to see each other for a week or two every two months?? please help...

Hi; Sometime it's best not to bring up the past, it could be opening a can of worms, one time I asked my wife if she ever put her mouth around a guy's p---s before she met me. She told me all about it, then I though there must be more than just this one, I pressed her about it, I guess she could see where this was going, so after that she would always give me the same answer, "I don't remeber" after a while I just gave up asking her. It is/was none of my business.

To keep it in perspective, women probably don't like hearing about ex partners any more than men do. The fear of comparison, jealousy, whatever, it's there.
One thing I know for sure though, is that as you get older, the right to expect your partner to not have had other experiences gets more and more ridiculous. Your new boyfriend/girlfriend IS going to have had others before you, it's a given. I have no desire to ask about past girlfriends, and wouldn't appreciate being grilled about my past bfs.

Unless you or your partner is the most secure person in the world, there is no point in asking about it, and no point in telling. (Most of us aren't.)

Anyway, DAE, I don't think there is much you can do for him. If his problem were that he's afraid you are going to cheat on him, then you'd actually have something go with, but you can't do much about the fact that he knows you've had other boyfriends and that HE now has a problem. Just try your best not to mention them, that's about it.

I've been like that before with one of my ex-girl. Mainly it was a male insecurity thing, guys don't want to hear about the past guys their girl has slept with, and that only makes sense, cause I bet its the same way for women. As for snapping him out of it,1st if you don't even mention sleeping with an ex just tell him he needs to get over it,it was BEFORE HE WAS AROUND,HE SHOULD BE THANKFUL U GIVE HIM SOME!!!! AND HE'S 27,I'm 21 Tell him it's time to grow up now

GTSmo25-
Well to be honest I'm very blunt,so I would be straight up with her and just tell her how it makes you feel,tell her u would perfer talking about something else.As for the distance thing, I'm sort of in the same thing I live in Texas going to school at U of H on a football scholarship(so I can't leave yet)and me lovely girfriend lives in Indiana,she can't move down here cause she's trying to get licsened for a pedeatrician.She's on a scholarship too. If you're serious about her just work with what u have, I usually see my girl for about maybe 3 months combined in the year,but we email and web conference alot.In the long run I bet u cherish the time when u see her though, instead of being like most couples who r like "Oh, whats up" Hope this reassured u a bit

i have the exact same problem, except mine extends more, whenever my girlfriend tells me about how she got with some other guy or something, i picture it and i get that depresed stomach feeling, i dont know what the psychological base of it is but i hate it.

even when i see her talk to other guys really nicely i get all jelous, am i the only one thats like this, coz every otehr person doesent seem to care but me when your gf is talking to another guy in a semi-flirty kind of way. its annoying i hate being like this and i realize im being unreasonable, butyea just so you's know that 16 year olds get that problem too