Post navigation

The Beast that Ate America

Seems that these days should be called the Time of the Selfie. Now we can all be Donald Trump. I recently heard that Selfies have killed more people than shark bites. So I thought it was time for Uncle Bardie to pass along some directives from the CDC, concerning these beasties.

1.A baby Selfie may appear to be cute and cuddly. But remember the lesson of the Gremlins. Do not water a Selfie. They will turn on you before you know it. Pretty soon they are eating you out of house and home.

2.A Selfie is a wild animal. They are not meant to be held in captivity. They do not civilize well.

3.Selfies do not make great pets. Just when you think you’ve gotten them trained to use the litter box, they disappoint you.

4.Selfies don’t mix well with other animals. Like bears. Please keep them away from your dogs. And cats are especially vicious in the presence of a Selfie. They just don’t like the things.

5.If you run across a Selfie in the wild, stand very still. Selfies can only see moving objects.

6.If you are bitten by a Selfie, get to a Selfie Trauma Center pronto. You have less than an hour before the Selfie poison takes hold. The CDC is opening up special trauma centers in every major city in the United States. Personnel are being trained to deal with this deadly outbreak of Selfie bites.

7.If you have a friend or relative who has been bitten by a Selfie and has not received special care from a trained professional, avoid them. That foaming of the mouth is extremely contagious. Call the emergency number 555-555-5555 to get them compassionate care. They will be put to sleep and it will be painless.

8.There have been efforts to eradicate Selfies. Thus far the efforts have not worked. It has even led to people coming with a dance called the Selfie Split.

9.There are rumors that Selfies were created by the Government for population control. There is no truth to this conspiracy theory. Otherwise Texas would be taken over by Selfies. And that just ain’t so. Ted Cruz is not President of Texas. Yet.

10.If you are one of those thinking of joining one of the local Selfie cults springing up around the United States, please don’t. It is a scam. You won’t be able to get a genuine purebred Selfe, and you will find your bank accounts emptied.

11.Do not get close to a Selfie on the night of a full moon. You think werewolves go crazy that night. You ain’t seen nothing until you see a Selfie on a full moon night.

Oh my stars and garters, as my Aunt Beulah used to say, was this ever funny. Laugh aloud funny. Though I’m not sure all my kith and kin who regularly post selfies and make admiring comments to fellow selfie-posters would laugh the way I did at your antics.

I also heard about selfie deaths out nimbering shark deaths. That seems low to me. I’ve seen people walk right in front of traffic trying to get that perfect shot. People take them while they drive. One guy backed right up to the Grand Canyon to take his. He was right on the edge😳. Crazy! (It was a good shot though.)