Category Archives: Dating

Frustrated that his time to think is so often disturbed, a local cockroach—who lives under your bed—is reported as saying this morning that he thinks “you need to turn it down a notch” when it comes to “the fucking.”

“I’m not really even sure what they’re doing up there half of the time,” Timothy, the local cockroach told Nonsense this morning. “Doesn’t anyone have any respect for their neighbors anymore?”

Timothy informed Nonsense that the typical hours you “fuck very loudly” range anywhere from 6pm to 5am which we were able to confirm with the local snake that lives in your shower drain, Louis.

“To be honest, sometimes I don’t even know if there’s another person up there,” Louis said, coiling himself into a more comfortable position. “Sometimes it sounds like there are several people up there. Maybe they’ve got some weird freaky masturbatory habits going on, or there’s some sort of strange orgy ring at work here? I don’t know. It isn’t my job to know their business, I just want the noise to end.”

When asked if he plans to take any legal action, Timothy merely shrugged.

“All I’m concerned about is… well, I’m going back to school to get a law degree. I do classes online. I’ve got to be up really late some nights writing massive papers or doing loads of research, and don’t you think that maybe you could be a little more considerate of me?”

At press time, the local fly that lives in your pantry and the local rat that lives under your gross-ass washing machine were reportedly gathering other residents of your house—such as the termite that lives in your doorframe, and the centipede that’s taken a liking to your right slipper, which is weirdly always damp enough for him to be comfortable in—to sign a petition proposing your abstinence.

Do not fuck these bugs, you little scallop sack. Do not even THINK about fucking bugs when I am talking to you.

I’m sorry, Sebastian, that was harsh. I should be calmer. I know it’s hard for you, Sebastian. A man with your disposition, he gets urges sometimes. We’ve all been there, it’s something we’ve all been through. But you have to overcome it. You’re about to come of age, and I know this world holds many wondrous things for you, many new things that you are about to experience for the first time. Turning 30 is really quite something.

But the one thing you must always remember is that I am your legally appointed guardian and it will always be my business what goes on in your bedroom. Or across a cot of shimmering laurels on the floor of a glistening forest. Or in the thick, warm mud of some South American swamp. Or in the majestic hive of some colony of worker bees. Or in the viscous sap of a tall, tall Douglass Fir. These things are my responsibility to know and scold you for, and as thus, I will always be watching you from a distance of 15 feet. Enough to give you your privacy while still maintaining a firm grasp of control upon you, as you are the only thing left in my life that I can assert power over.

To make things easier for you, Sebastian, I have collected these bugs for you here so that I may explicitly show you which bugs you are forbidden to have sexual relations with.

1. The Juice Bug

The Juice Bug is the most succulent of beasts. I see the way that you stare at its abdomen, that juicy hind section, and the tantalizing way its wings fold up underneath it. But tell me Sebastian, is it really worth it? Try not to see this bug as a mere receptacle of lust, but as a wonderful creation, beyond objectification.

2. The Spotted Wingdinger

Ah yes, Sebastian. He is a beaut, ain’t he? But it is the case Sebastian, that a man of your age must learn to look upon beauty with refined sensibilities. Can’t something still have beauty without sexual attraction? Can you not look upon such fine wings and say “Wow, what a pretty bug and I’m not just saying that because I want to stick my penis inside of him. I actually appreciate him from an aesthetic standpoint, and my urge to ejaculate has since receded.” This is all I ask of you.

3. The Crawling Melonspear

Calm your breathing, Sebastian. I said calm it. This one gets me heated too. But I have since learned to keep such feelings at bay. I have long known the throws of lust, but longer have I known the power of repression.Get your hand away from there. You filthy sack of philtered fuck. I am about to let you out of the house for the first time in your life, and this is how you scorn my generous freedom? Take note Sebastian: My pupils are dilated too. Rome was not built in a day, and neither were my deeply rooted-psychological barriers of sexual restraint. Let me help you. Here, let’s try another.

4. The Fat Lady, And All The Juice That She Bears

Oh yes. You wish to know her in the most biblical sense. She is a lovely lady indeed, but do you not remember our conversation about the Spotted Wingdinger?Well imagine that they are in love. Do you want to break up that relationship? Could you let your lust chip away at such a beautiful bond? These two live together, they breath together. They hold hands when they walk through the park. They kiss each other in the pouring rain. They make the most intimate love behind closed doors. They leave a camera on sometimes to record all the naughty discourse. Sometimes the blinds are open for the neighbors to see. The Fat Lady wears a chain around her neck, and the Spotted Wingdinger puts on that pair of tights, you know the one, Sebastian, you know it so well. And sometimes the Crawling Melonspear comes by, and he loves them both. He loves them both, and the Fat Lady she gets especially bothered when he loves her precious Spotted Wingdinger. Oh she loves to watch from the corner, she loves to hold the camera and watch them go at it. And who’s this, watching from the ventilation shaft? It could only be the Juice Bug. And she’s brought gifts, oh little gifts, little trinkets, little chains, little sticks and stones and goopy potions. And then together on the bed, all together on the bed, yes, they all writhe, they all scream, yes, they shout in the throws of passion. Together, all together, one-in-the-same and it’s all about love, but in some ways it isn’t? In some ways the Wingdinger yearns to be a receptacle for lust, in some ways the Wingdinger just wants the Melonspear to use him, to hurt him, to make him feel like he’s just been thrown aside—SEBASTIAN, NO! Oh my sweet lips, you kissed my sweet lips, you kissed me right upon the mouth. Oh Sebastian, no, this was not my intention. I am five years your junior, do you not worry about the age gap? NO? Age is just a number to you?Oh Sebastian no, I couldn’t. I couldn’t dream of it. Let us forget this ever happened. Let us get back to the matter at hand. Do not fuck the Fat Lady, And All The Juice She Bears, do not even go near her.

5. Actually, This One You Can Fuck

This one is fair game, Sebastian. Fuck it hard.

6. The Last Bug Is…

Oh my Sebastian. You want to know why my visage appears on this screen? Oh dear. Well this is rather awkward.You see, Sebastian… I have told you that you may not fuck these bugs for a reason. I have raised you, and together we have lived for a hundred years. Well it’s seemed that way. But I have been keeping a dark secret from you Sebastian, and now, as you reach the cusp of the prime age of sexual maturity at 30, when a man mosts lusts for the tender appendages and exoskeletons that only bugs can provide… now I must reveal that secret to you.The truth is, Sebastian, I am the last bug you cannot fuck. It is forbidden by the law of the land.But oh, it pains me so. You don’t know how I have yearned for you. Oh my little wings how they ache for your tender touch. This is why I must let you go, Sebastian. This is why I must set you free.Oh love, she is a jealous mistress, Sebastian. She pulls at the heart strings, she is loud, she screams and she wails with envy. This is why you cannot fuck these other bugs Sebastian, because I will be watching you, and, oh, how it will hurt. You cannot fuck these critters because I cannot bear to see you lie with another bug. It would pierce my heart with an icy stinger to have to watch you cavort with another, to lie under the wisps of a willow tree and watch as you plow them right to kingdom come.

The pain would surely bring me to the grave.Forgive me, Sebastian. Forgive me for everything.

Now go, the door is open. Just go and leave me here to nurse my broken heart. I’ll be along shortly to stalk you from the mandated distance.

Oh my Sebastian, he leaves me and he is weeping. He is broken, he is shattered. I watch him go, and as he walks up the stairs I see the shape of his round, plump, thirty-year-old buttocks receding into the distance. They are the buttocks that I will never know, they are the love that I will never have. Oh my Sebastian, my sweet sweet Sebastian. Why must God be so cruel to us.

Aw yeah buddy. You know what time it is. It’s Fuck time. Time to get on the old stallion and give it a nice whip and see where it takes you. We all know what sex is here at Nonsense Humor, and we know the best places to get it down with your significant other when you’re in a hurry. You know, when you don’t feel like walking literally not that far to an actual bed because you love cold dirty floors on your sweaty ass. Anyway, here’s the list.

1. Plato’s Lap

Nothing is sexier than putting mustard on that sausage while sitting on a granite statue of one of the most prominent philosophers in Ancient History. His Symposium is one of the most important books on love ever written, and now you’re making some important and impromptu love on his cold hard lap.

2. Adam’s Playhouse Basement Bathroom

If you’re gonna have some wash closet fun time, might as well make sure that toilet water is clean. You don’t want your leg slipping into some old water that mosquitos have now laid eggs in. Unless you do want that… Trust me Adam’s Playhouse’s basement bathroom is the cleanest on campus. Don’t go on a Thursday at 9:23pm, though. That is when and where our publication meets this coming semester. (Or do go then, we’ll just watch).

3. While Waiting for Your Burger at Bits and Bytes

Yeah we’ve all been there. You’re waiting for your “Burning Love Chicken Sandwich” and just the thought of a burning love turns you on. You ask several people if they would like to pass the time with a quick go at the each other’s “Netherlands Complex.” Once you find your suitor, just go for it. This will actually make them cook your chicken faster.

4. The New Pride Pantry

Why else would Hofstra need a pantry. 90% of Hofstra students have more than $21,345 dollars in their bank accounts and the other 10% smoke cigarettes. This room was built for the sole purpose of making the sweet fuck in private. Book your time slot with SGA. They are tabling every single day of next semester.

5. The Aquatic Center

Pfft! No one swims anymore. Swimming is for the fishes, pal. This place is just chlorinated fuck juice at this point.

6. The “Willy” and “Kate” Costumes

There’s no way our adequate school mascots are not both two people having sex covered in sweaty fabric. What student would do that willingly or even for money. The two couples inside probably needed a quit place to get funky with their junky, and the costumes were the only places to do so. Just find the costumes wherever these four sex doers leave them around campus and slip yourself inside with someone who wants to do you.

7. The Bone Room.

We all know exactly where this is. You know that part of campus, and then you go left down the hall and open that door. You know where. Right? Please. Where is the bone room? I’m supposed to be the sex expert and I don’t know where Hofstra’s bone room is. Help me out.

We’ve all been there: young, full of human organs and soul that make you irresistible to your standard supernatural creature.

Vampire:

The old standard. Your mom loves him, your dad hates him, and the call of your blood may be too strong for him to resist! Not really the greatest date for girls who love the beach, camping, or being able to grow old with your beloved, rather than withering away as he remains perfect, a mockery of what you once were… but damn, does he love you! He’s the perfect guy for when you really need to just write poetry and figure yourself out for a bit. Sure, your relationship can only end with a volatile breakup or your death, but either way you get to be the center of attention! Yay!

Elf:

Sometimes you end up falling for the perfect guy. Smart, intelligent, rich, hundreds of years old, an aristocrat with daddy issues. He’s not really dangerous; in fact out of all the creatures you’ll date, he sets the safety bar pretty damn high. Truly your elf boyfriend is absolutely perfect in every way, but perfection is so borrrring. Remember that time you thought about getting a tattoo and he scoffed at the idea of you marking your porcelain skin? Yes, he carries the riches of a lost civilization and is willing to give it all up for you, but we both know this relationship is a one way ticket to Lamesville. Skip.

Ghost:

You’re 21; he’s dead, but when attraction strikes ya gotta at least give it a chance. Maybe dating a guy who died before women could vote wasn’t your best choice, but he’s so chivalrous! The whole “not leaving the land on which he died” thing, as well as the “not believing in modern medicine” thing might be the nail in the coffin for this relationship, but you still have warm thoughts every time you reconnect through a Ouija board. Plus when that one loser kills you, you’ll already have someone to hook up with in the afterlife.

Demon:

Nope nope nope. Every one of your friends told you to stay away but you couldn’t keep away from…. Wait, he calls himself Dante the Unspoken? Do you have to call him that every time you say his name, or is just Dante okay? I know he has to work on his soul sucking but does that mean we have to attend every single one of his exorcisms in Brooklyn? This is exactly the type of relationship your friends will bring up, much to your embarrassment, for years. Maybe commit social suicide for a guy that isn’t draining you every time you go out.

Mermaid:

That’s a fucking manatee, idiot!

Witch:

I’m sorry… warlock… wizard? By far your friends’ personal favorite, he always seems to come prepared and know exactly how to fix a problem the second it occurs. He seems to magically know exactly what you need and always dresses to the nines. Sure, he kind of steals the limelight, but everyone loves him! The fact that, after your breakup, he was cursed to be a beast until meeting his actual one true love was a bit harsh, but you did break up over Twitter DM soooo.

Jersey Devil:

Not the cutest guy you’ve ever dated, but there is something about him. He’s got an air of mystery about him and looks a lot better than the awful pictures on his Tinder. None of your friends believe you when you tell them how great he is, but you’ve seen it and that’s all that matters. Giving him a chance and discovering what really makes him tick might be worth it, but you’ll also have to live in New Jersey if you get married.

Regular Human:

Kyle is… cool. I mean not cool cool but the guys seem to like him? I mean, I’m honestly not getting it. You just broke up with a vampire, how are you dating Kyle? Is this a rebound thing? Oh, maybe he’s a warlock too? No? Oh no that’s cool, seems like a chill guy. I’m very happy for you.

Angel:

You made out with him once and now he’s promised to protect you for all of eternity! Which is great and all, but could he not be so judge-y when he comes out drinking with us? Sometimes you just want to wear sweats, but that seems impossible when your angel boyfriend wears three-piece suits at 8 AM on a Sunday. Breaking up seems like the only option, but you’d probably be banished to hell and have to deal with your demon ex, which is equally shitty.

Werewolf:

Absolutely perfect, if you can ignore him becoming a terrifying hell beast under the glow of the moon once a month. You’re not usually into the overly masculine type but there is something so alluring about trying something new. Considering the guys you’ve dated, though, he seems like everything you could ever need. Low chance of him murdering you, mostly normal, but still interesting enough that you have something to brood over. He might be worth the plunge… maybe just remember to check for fleas after his transformations.

Frankenstein:

He doesn’t talk much, but that’s honestly okay. Sometimes the strong silent type is just what a girl needs after a funeral march’s worth of talkative guys. The cold unfeeling dead human flesh is a bit of a turn off, but you dated Kyle soooo you obviously aren’t bothered by unfeeling humans.

Death, like the actual factual manifestation of death:

Geez, a bit dark, don’t you think? Like Christ, I get it, people die every day. No need for your boyfriend to shit on you crying over the dog dying in that movie. Honestly, maybe you should call up the Jersey Devil, because you are falling into quite the hole. If it makes you feel better, it’s not like this one will be the one that will kill you. That’s just too damn obvious.

Sure, your lifespan has been significantly limited by the creatures you’ve decided to date, but it’s important to remember we still love you, and if you die one of your friends will totally have to name their kid after you!

Normally this is where we would wrap this list up, but if you made it through the entire list and honestly—wow!—or really even found any portion of this list applicable, you are almost certainly dead. Happy hunting!

Make the mating call to attract a lover.

Everyone knows the best way to attract a steamy love connection is a nice Inuit throat song. Try to connect to Mother (or Daddy ;)) Earth by sticking your moistened ass into a pot of tree sap. Now you’re ready to sing the throat song of any potential mate’s dream.

Make the sex to your newfound lover.

We all know this step. Here at Nonsense, we make the sex many much. Often to each other—it is awkward. So trust us. After serenading your throat song lover, they will coo in your ear life a baby robin on a Spring morn. This is the clear sign to start entering and/or exiting your lover’s point of interest. We all know where that point of interest is. After you have made, your lover will beg you to get the moon for them.

Buy some rope.

This seems like a common sense step, but I’ve seen way too many people try to lasso the Moon without a rope to not include it. That’s like trying to kiss your mom before she gives you the warm milk!

Obtain the potion to make you super big.

This step also seems like common sense. You’re going to need to get really big in order to fit all that rope around the 1079-mile radius of the Moon. I’m talking REALLY big. The only man with a potion to make you grow to such heights is Lucien the Magician. He’ll give you the potion, oh yes! But at a cost. The cost is your new lover. Now I know this seems like a terrible idea, but trust us.

Lasso the Moon.

Use that rope to lasso all 1079 miles of the Moon’s radius, and pull it close to the Earth. Now the tides of the Earth are going wild, cities are crumbling to the sea, and your new lover is making sex to Lucien the Magician (that was poor advice on my part). Bring the Moon all the way into the Earth, so your new, now ex-lover can see it, and be so jealous. She’ll look in your extremely massive, very scary eyes and tell you she loves you. At this point the Moon will hit the Earth and destroy everyone you’ve ever known, including your lover.

Bonus Step: Drift as a giant man through space.

Try not to think of all the innocent lives you just took. Don’t think of that sweet sex making you had with your lover. Don’t think about how you could have easily prevented this by never trading your lover for a potion. Don’t think about how you read internet articles to help you with your love life. You can cry in space, but your tears won’t fall. No Gravity.

We all know how hard it is to find love, especially in this age of hookup culture and technology (ewie!!). Summer is the beautiful time in a young person’s life in which they experience a fiery rush in the loins, and a kiss on both big toes, so to help achieve your summer lovin’ goals, à la Sandy and Danny, here is a helpful list on how to find the Persian rug to your coffee table this Summer.

Put yourself out there.

Everyone loves confidence, so show the object of your affection what you’ve got. Paint your face and body like a zebra, or maybe even a giraffe. This will show that you are confident in your appearance and don’t give a flying falcon about the other (less confident) animal impersonators out there. Your time is now, and your name is Mitsy.

Make the first move.

This piece of advice branches off from Tip Numero Uno, but it is nonetheless essential. Tell your prospective guy or gal, (or whoever it is you yearn for), that you’d like to plant a garden with them. Fresh fruits and vegetables are enough to make anyone excited. (I’m dreaming about creamy artisanal butternut squash soup dribbling slowly out of the corner of my mouth right now! Sure, its saltiness can be overwhelming, but spitting is for quitters and you, my fair Mitsy, are no quitter. Sounds real gourmet, ay)?

If at first you don’t succeed, there’s always the Internet.

I know, I know. Technology is the ugly cousin of love, BUT—when used correctly, it can be the nurturing uncle of casual sex. Develop a profile with only the best lighting and angles. I’m talking FGA’s/FBA’s (Fat Girl/Boy Angles) and sepia filtering the shit out of that shit. The great thing about the Internet is that you don’t have to be yourself, so develop the best version of yourself! The person you’ll meet up with will inevitably do the same thing, so there’s no need to feel bad. If only there were an Amaro filter IRL, amrite????

If you’re still not succeeding, perform a Wiccan Love Spell.

I recommend the Full Moon Love Spell. It’s so simple even an Atheist could do it, which isn’t saying much considering that Atheists are historically the least intelligent people of all time. Try to name one Atheist who has contributed to society (and NO, Joseph Stalin doesn’t count! See, it’s difficult. Tricky bastards). But I digress, who knew the key to love could be found in your kitchen!? I’ll tell you who knew: theists. The directions can be found here: http://wiccanspells.info/a-full-moon-love-spell/

Have fun!

The best part about Summer Flings is how temporary they are. Honeymoon phase all day evuryday. There’s absolutely 0% chance for you to get angry with your partner for clogging the toilet with too many marshmallows again (well a slightchance, but not high. There really are no absolutes in this world, which is why atheism is such a complete joke).

I pray to the naked cherubs up above that these tricks and tips work to help you find the Summer Fling of your dreams! Whether you’re attempting sex with the greaser who smokes joints at the elementary school at night, or the grizzly bear girl impersonator you’ve seen hobbling in the woods, what’s most important is that you’re getting out there and living your life. So what are you still doing online, Mit? It’s time to plant some arugula and make that tasty tossed romance salad.

14% of elementary school educators get accused of sexual harassment at some point in their teaching careers. Here’s how you can get yours! Follow these ten simple steps and you too can earn a life of no homework and no worries.

1. Make eye contact

Bitches love eye contact and your teacher is definitely a bitch. Stare her down like you’re trying to see those saggy nips. Hopefully she’ll return the favor.

2. Fake an illness

“Miss Jones, my dick and berries are feeling a little sore.” Sure, she’ll be weirded out, but you’re nine and you need help.

3. Start wearing shorter and shorter clothes to school

When your mom says, “Jimmy, those are your four year old sister’s shorts,” hit her up with some gender conformity shit. Make your liberal mom feel bad for hindering your journey.

4. Spend your recess indoors 😉

5. Ask her about her recent divorce

Make sure to call her Missus Jones each time so she HAS to correct you.

6. Write her long and unnecessarily personal cards each week using the writing skills you’ve been developing in class

eCards? Hallmark? The fucking handwriting paper with the dotted lines on it? Screw that! You took hooked on phonics for christ’s sake, your mom reminds you every fucking day that she spent so much money to make you smarter than all of her friend’s kids. Call Ms. Jones the hell out for not putting you in Advanced Writing 3 and don’t forget to add as many “XOXO”s as you can fit. Hand it to her with a wink!

8. Don’t tell your parents to pick you up

Give them a vacation to Cancun to relive their college years. Someone’s gonna have to give you a ride home.

9. Take pictures of yourself

All of yourself. Use your gym stretches for inspiration.

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10. Go in for the kill

Here we are. The last step. Take all the hate you have for your teacher and march into the principal’s office. Hand in the envelope of pictures and say it’s for Miss Jones. Your principal will call a class assembly and all your classmates will verify that you’re her teacher’s pet. After all, you two are always making weird eye contact and she does always keep you for special help. After three to ten short interviews with the cops and therapists you’re on your way to getting that hot sub to fill in for the entire spring.

Here’s a list of five guys you might have met on Tinder had Hofstra not decided that we were children incapable of choosing our own web content.
1. The “Mr. Fedorable”

Maybe it’s something in the way he combs the stray hairs in his neck beard, and how they’re never quite right. Or perhaps it’s the fact that his hands always have motherfucking Dorito crumbs on them, regardless of whether or not he has just eaten Doritos. Maybe it’s the stained My Little Pony t-shirt, or maybe it’s the jorts. Regardless, something about him just puts you off. He calls you beautiful, he strokes your ego; but somehow you think he’s really just stroking his metaphorical penis. He may or may not compare you to his waifu. You’re afraid to reject him, as you’re sure that he’ll either fall into a downward spiral of unmitigated depression and frustration, or he’ll go into a “friendzone” tailspin, shouting saliva-filled obscenities into his Xbox headset. Stay away from this guy. Film major.

TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Young Master Kyle (Xx_Underdog2395_xX)

TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: Sitting on his computer chair, fedora tilted at a seductive angle. Usually clutching a rose.

2. The “My Dad’s Paying in Full”

He’s willing to buy you dinner. But don’t count yourself too lucky: he was willing to pay for his whole building to install AC units in the rooms so he wouldn’t be too hot. His car costs more than your soul and he would never brag about it, though the blazer entirely made out of $100 bills says more than enough. Accounting major.

TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Scott J. Bronson III

TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: Standing next to some politician with a thumbs-up and a goofy grin, as though some potential employer will see it and actually care.

3. The “Weedwhacker”

Once a promising individual, this man stumbled into a Supreme store on accident and never left. It’s likely that any day, either his lungs or the muscles in his right arm will simply stop working, but somehow he powers through. He wears a bucket hat to hide his hair loss, and though you’ll have a special place in his heart, his smoking/jerking arm will always precede his love for you. Fucked his bong once on accident. Or was it? Business major.

TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Based Gavin

TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: A blurry picture of what appears to be a young man, with a quote underneath it that reads, “You must love yourself before you love others.”

4. The “Giuseppe”

An overused meme of a human. He makes “The Situation” look diffused. A true Long Island fanatic, he’s really from Superior, Nebraska, and thinks this is how all Long Islanders behave. Was featured in several episodes of The Jersey Shore as a wasted extra. Most likely has the Italian flag emoji in his description. Likes a finger in the ass, but not too far: any more than two inches is gay.

TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Paulyyyyyy 😉

TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: A Day-Glo orange man with an NWA cap worn on the side, standing in front of a mirror without a shirt on. His lips say “kiss me” but his eyes say “help.”

5. The “Brainwashed” Democrat

Trying way too hard to be normal, this young gentleman comes from a family where tattoos are bad and casual human sex is right up there with fucking Hitler’s severed head in public. Possibly suffering from serious mental trauma, the “Brainwashed” Democrat won the “Most Likely to be Hiding a Naked Dead Girl in His Trunk” award in high school. He’s been backpacking since he was four, and secretly promised himself to get as crunk as possible in the first few months of freshman year. Political science major.

TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Tom

TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: A young man standing alone in front of a statue of an unimportant historical figure. Sometimes he’s smiling, but mostly he’s showing the true pain he feels inside.