Rats’ Night Out – I

Look at you! Bloody stingy humans. Walahi! Nobody fit take this one from me

{Hello, I know it may shock you to find out that a rat wrote this blogpost. I’ve been genetically engineered, scientifically modified, biologically disposed, personally — erm, you get the idea already. Lemme share an experience with you before the owner of this blog catches me on his dashboard} *sips Larry’s wine* *puts ‘Skelewu’ on repeat*
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The room was filled to the brim with our species of different kinds and from different walks of life («– by that, I mean the animal kingdom). The white rats, the ‘ewuju’, ‘ekute’, ’emo’, brown rats, black rats et al were all present. The room was also stuffy. There was noise everywhere, murmurs, cries of the ratlings and also foul odour everywhere (I know the white rats with big anal cavities can’t be trusted on that).

Everyone also shared a common trait in there — hunger. Its been months since anyone of us went out to feed since ‘The Battle of the Chefs’, which took place at Sweet Sensation, when we lost some of our brothers to the merciless humans with white hats in a clean kitchen («- kitchen or arsenal?)

The head of the colony had imposed strict rules that no one must leave the pack since then, for fear of losing others, since a new potent killer known as ‘ota pia pia’ has been invented by the ‘Federal Ministry For Rats Annihilation Programme’. Whew! The war humans wage against us though.

Tonight, we all received messages on our BlackBerry smartphones (yeah, Blackberry. You never thought we rats had swaggs abi?) and the rest who didn’t have got a ping on their torchlight-nokias. We were all summoned to a meeting where we were going to decide our fate by the head of the clan (the shameless leader ate my dead grandpa. I’ll never forgive him).

“O ye does and gentlerats”, the rat leader paused for silence to dwell, “I have summoned ye all here today to express thine minds concerning the issue on ground, so that we may proffer a lasting solution” (you think he speaks good English? You better go look for your KJV bible. He stole it!!!)

Everyone gave him their rapt attention now. Mouths had started salivating and stomachs rumbling. Their days of hunger-spells and eating of family members (oops! I wasn’t supposed to tell you guys that) were about to come to an end. The much desired effect had dawned on the congregation and the beard of the head-mouse twitched at that. Something mischievous was about to come out of those lips, I know.

“So I have decided” he began. This generated murmurs from the congregation. This wasn’t the first time the headrat would do this. He would ask for opinions on things he was already decided on. “That tonight”, he continued, without minding the murmurs, “we attack the Intercontinental Suites. There is a presidential party going on there, and guess what that means? Yeah, you guessed right, lots of food for us”

At this, even those of us that were unhappy that he didn’t inlclude us in his plans were happy. We all jumped and yelled for joy. We were going to have the feeding session (naïve humans call it infestation) of our lives. I looked in the direction of the council of elders, their look didn’t show me they wanted us to go, but the head had spoken. Each rat returned to his own home, me to my own castle (I live in an engineer’s cupboard *shines teeth*) and prepared for the escapade, later in the night.