28 February 2017

In previous relationships I experienced jealousy a lot - where it was quite an overwhelming, possessing type of experience. That is where I had most of my experiences with jealousy - in intimate relationships. Recently however I noticed it come up in relation to a friendship. This friend has been someone who in a way I was in a position of supporting - where she would come to me for advice, or perspective, or opinion. I felt special in this way, like a guide, or like someone she trusted enough.

Then enters a new person, who I see my friend spending more time with, and asking her perspective on things, and going to her for things she once came to me for. And so I was jealous. I felt as if I was no longer that 'special person' that she would come to, and in a way - that also validated an aspect of myself - of being helpful, and needed.

I felt I was being replaced, and discarded. Now I did not indulge in this too much, as I could see clearly this was jealousy, and that it implied I had some self-definition I was using my friend to substantiate - and what I realized through self-forgiveness on this point is how in my need for her to need me, I was enslaving us both.

Here is the self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealousy toward L and N's relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though N replaced who I was for L

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as special in relation to L - that she needs me and looks up to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend and define who I am based on how L sees me - thinking and believing I need her to need me to feel special, and useful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel jealousy when I see someone else helping L as I helped her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lay claim to being the only one that L can go to for guidance or support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my purpose as others needing me, though if I'm no longer needed by others - feel as though my purpose has been taken away from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I'm better if others need me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in needing others to need me, I am enslaving myself to others, and others to myself instead of supporting both myself, and others to be able to stand on their own two feel - no masters, and no slaves - simply equals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my relationship with L to exalt myself within a superior position wherein I see myself as better because I'm needed, and because others need me, I'm useful, and have a purpose instead of realizing the ego is at play here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of others needing support and guidance for my own self-interested purposes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to feel threatened that some position I'm in is going to be taken away implies I am not actually standing as that position - as a real, self honest position to support others, but instead using it for my own fears, and desires, to validate myself and find acceptance in others

When and as I see myself experiencing jealousy towards others relationships, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to experience jealousy is a red flag wherein I am separating myself from myself through defining myself in needing another - and so I commit myself to when/as I see jealousy to come up, to immediately bring it back to myself to firstly not perpetuate the experience, and to also get to know where I am misplaced parts of myself in defining it within another

When and as I see myself needing others to need me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such a relationship creates enslavement for both myself and others, and so I commit myself to change my starting point for supporting others wherein It's not about needing others to need me, but me simply willing and able to support another, as I support myself and thus stand as Equals

When and as I see myself feeling threatened by another, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to feel threatened is to fear losing something of myself, and so I commit myself to investigate what it is I'm fearing to lose of myself, and to realize that if I fear losing it, it's not really me and so I commit myself to within this, ensure I am standing for real within who I am, and not dependent on some external point to validate anything of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself when I go through more emotional, tough points in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define tough within a negative energy charge and so when I define something as tough - I resist it, and give in immediately as not being able to put in the good fight for myself to stand and remain stable, and direct myself through that tough point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing difficult points I face within my day to day living with others, as not wanting others to see me as weak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I should not share the struggles I walk through in my day to day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to only present a better image of myself wherein I am directive, and stable, and to thus resist sharing the more real, raw experiences that is part of walking my process through the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall within the experience of becoming emotional, or facing more difficult points within my life, as not willing to support myself through with the tools essential to my transcendence and ability to let go, and emerge as directive principle and to within this not share with others the struggle, and the process, and the example that it IS possible to get through ALL of life's challenges, as often times, it is made to be more challenging by our own minds

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the very point of this process is to walk through those difficult times, within/as the tools that are here to support, and to show others the way in supporting them to support themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create inconsistencies within my blogging as not wanting to be open, and honest, and real with myself, or others, about what I face - the good, the bad, and the ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as weak, and thus not want others to see this as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inferiorize myself in relation to more challenging points within my life as the process I walk, in not willing myself to share, and remain open and honest about what I'm going through, and using the tools I have to support myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my struggles as bad/negative, and so define myself as bad/negative and want to hide these aspects of myself from myself, and from others

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to share unconditionally, with myself and so with others, who I am and the process I walk as not putting up a fake face, but keeping it REAL within what this process through the mind is all about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can only share when I'm absolutely stable, or when I'm not facing/walking through any difficult points, to present an image of myself that others will define me as 'good/positive' - in fear of others seeing the real story

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be the work in progress that I am, as this process I walk, and to share ALL of that unconditionally, and not just the points that make me look good and others can admire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto self-judgments, and definitions that I believe I must present which prevent me from being real with myself and others in a consistent way, such as through blogging

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my blogging to be conditional wherein I will only share that which makes me look good

When and as I see myself resisting sharing my blogs due to some difficult points I face, and so creating inconsistency within my blogging, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that already this is red flag for how I am, or not supporting myself throughout my day as I see, realize, and understand that if I were supporting myself within the tools I have to support myself with, blogging would not be a struggle - adding to the already existent struggle. I commit myself to thus see blogging as an extension of who I am already within the tools of self-support, and to when I'm resisting blogging - use that as a point of support to see where else I am not supporting myself, and to move myself to get to it - to do that which is necessary to be done for me to face, walk through, and transcend whatever it is I am facing

When and as I see myself wanting to present only the nicer image of me when I am stable, and directive, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is still within the ego of my mind as self-interest and thus putting up a fake face, and not being real with myself, which is exactly what to remove from myself as this process of re-birth and so I commit myself to stop presenting the nicer image, and instead present the WHOLE image, as making myself whole again through being real about what I go through, and what I face, and who I've created myself to be as the mind, and how I am able, and do direct myself to change

When and as I see myself judging the more difficult points I walk through in my process, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that in judging, I am separating myself from that which is existent within me, and created by me and so I commit myself to stop self-judgments, and acts of separation as seeing myself as inferior to what which I face in my process, and rather EMBRACE it as getting to know me, and how I can change me as that which is the only way to actually change - through understanding and forgiveness

26 February 2017

Today I would like to share about the inconsistency I can see within my sharing/blogging. I have, as some of you may have noticed a few months back, re-committed myself to more consistent blogging as a point of self-support, and support for others. I walked a 40 day + challenge for myself to show firstly, I could do it, and secondly, to establish myself withing the application as I see it has supported in the past, and to develop myself within my writing, my expression, creativity, and self-honesty, and my ability to 'live out loud' without hiding who I am, but rather embracing it, and sharing it as I know I am not the only one in this world that faces the things I do in my life.

Though - after a couple months, the space between the blogs become more and more. So recently I decided to have a look at this again - asking myself, why do I stop?

What I can see is two things. First thing is the energy within the starting point - wanting to do something, yet attaching it with some positive energies based on ideas, beliefs, self-definitions, and imaginations where I define it as something 'good' and so have this momentum with it that is basically helping to drive/direct the point. Though the nature of energy, when it comes to the mind/body, is it runs out. You deplete it, and then you experience the opposite - the negative, the lack of drive, the resistance. There is no more fuel for the fire sort to speak.

The second point I can see within this is that I also slow down when I am facing more challenging points within myself/my life, or when I become more emotional. When I am more emotional, more reactive to myself, and my environment, and those within it - sharing myself becomes a lot more challenging and I often refuse to do it. There are again a few points within this as to WHY I stop sharing my blogs. And this is the point I would like to investigate more.

One reason is within that is the fear of revealing that I am human lol - that I face difficult points, that I become emotional, and reactive, and that sometimes things are not perfect, or I feel as if I am not progressing. When in reality - I am simply facing/walking through parts of myself that I have created, and that's what this process is all about. So instead of wanting to just present the better version of me when I am more stable or directive, also showing the real story - which is the story behind the scenes, the actual play out/experience/thoughts/feelings and emotions. Being REAL about what I go through in my every day life, and not putting on a filter just so I look better for others. Walking, and showing the Process.

Further within this is that when I am more emotional, or walking through a difficult point within myself/my life, I tend to wobble in my standing within myself - where the default reaction is to look for someone to blame or project my experiences unto as 'the problem' and so the self-responsibility to apply for myself the tools of self-support becomes less, and so of course this would then have an effect on my blogging because that is what blogging is all about - showing me as I walk my process, how I walk through points, how I'm able to apply self-honesty, and self-forgiveness, and self-responsibility. But if I'm not doing that in moments throughout my day, obviously I'm not going to come blog either because I'm not standing in such a position.

So it all comes down to self-accountability - holding myself accountable even in those moments when things become challenging within me and my process. To not become lenient with myself within the tools I apply because those are the moments when they are needed the most! A friend recently shared herself in relation to this point - of how in applying the tools, even through moments when you expect the worst of reactions from yourself, you can remain steadfast, and self-committed to stability and self-directive-ness, and clearing the fog! It comes down to your decision to hold yourself accountable and responsible for who YOU are.

I will continue more with this point in blogs to come - deconstructing with self-forgiveness, and re-constructing with self-commitment/corrective statements to once and for all let go of this need to hide, to present a nicer image, and to overall get real with myself and others.

06 February 2017

I've had a few moments in my life wherein I would say I was at rock bottom. While I never created severe consequence externally, within myself I could see clearly I was out of control, and it was only a matter of time before my life would follow suit.

First was when I was 17 - I had pretty much dropped out of high school, I was spending all my time with only two people, and we basically spent that time smoking weed, and getting drunk. There was one moment in the car, after a night of our usual behavior, where the alcohol and weed got to me, and I was laying in the back seat, spinning. In that moment I saw how out of control I was - meaning... I was not the one making the decisions in my life, I was following impulses, and addiction, and desire... which led me to being sick in the back of a car, contemplating my life and what I was busy creating. I was not satisfied.. I was tired of it. I was the lowest I had ever felt in my short life.

So in that moment, I saw the potential route for change, and decided there enough was enough. The next morning I told my mother I wanted to go counseling and treatment for my addiction. A month later I enrolled in a new school to finish my high school education.

The next time I experienced myself at rock bottom was when I was around 22 or 23. I had been in a relationship for a couple years with a guy, and in that relationship I experienced a lot of jealousy. A lot. Nasty really. One moment in particular I was leaving a bar/restaurant that I was at with him, and some of his friends, which happened to be girls. I had to head home early, and so he was staying there with his friends. As he was walking me to my car, I had this jealousy come up within me, and to follow was spite. I wanted to spite him, and blame him, for something he didn't actually do, but that I conjured up within my mind as what he could do once I left. I acted in ways in which I was not proud of... and I'm sure from his perspective he had no idea where I was coming from. But again, it was a place of no control.. I was completely consumed with emotions of insecurity, and jealousy, and spite that I acted out my experience automatically. While I was in a way in the background of myself seeing how nasty I was being, and how ridiculous and unnecessary I was behaving, it was as if I couldn't stop myself. Or I was never taught how to.

So again in this moment, I felt I had no control. I was completely controlled my energetic, emotional experience, and I lashed out. To me, this again was rock bottom. Something had to give - enough was enough. the experience of jealousy and insecurity was too overwhelming, and I despised not making better choices for myself. I was harming myself, and the relationship, and my partner. This experience, and I might add acceptance and allowance, drove me to act out in ways in which I became obsessive, and paranoid. I had thoughts that would drag me through emotional hell. I had no control over myself, or my actions, as I was totally being overridden by this experience. Another moment thus of where I experienced myself as rock bottom.

Yet within both these cases I can see the common experience for me as 'rock bottom' was me feeling as if I had no control, and based on what I was accepting and allowing as my thoughts, words, and deeds, I was creating destruction within myself, and within my life, and relationships. It's as if you are being told what to do, even though you see you are the one moving, and making decisions, and playing out the same pattern, knowing where it will lead you, despite that there is nothing you can do to stop it. That is rock bottom for me, and luckily I did not have to put myself through too many severe consequences yet was still enough for me to see, whoa girl.. who's in control here?

And then I found Desteni... and I started walking the Desteni Process... and I began to learn what are thoughts, and emotions, and feelings. I started understanding the difference between following impulses and being directive principle... I started learning what it means to look at one's starting point for any thought, word and deed... I learned about self-honesty, and self-forgiveness, and the absolute key for me, I learned about self-responsibility.

I no longer create rock bottom experiences for myself, but I can see based on who I was before Desteni, I would have re-created the same patterns before wherein I would find myself at 'rock bottom' - which is not in control of myself as my thoughts, words, and deeds. And as I went through the patterns, I would have eventually created more severe consequences, but fortunately Desteni intervened and I realized how much power I do actually have. And that if I want to change, I must be the change. And that there is no one going to save me... that I have the ability and control within myself to become self-aware, and self-directive...

Rock bottom as having no control is basically what each person has become as their Minds, just to varying degrees. Each time we follow a thought, or emotion, or feeling, or desire, or fear, or addiction, or want, or whatever we end up chasing or hiding from... we are not in control. We are giving up our directive control for something within the mind. An idea, a feeling, an experience, a reward. Whatever it is. Humanity is living out 'rock bottom' - each individually, and collectively because each has abdicated their self-responsibility to who they are in every... single... moment. It's only a matter of time before we create more and more consequences for us to see more and more clearly what we are creating within who we are, and how that impacts our world; individually and collectively.