First off, allow me to congratulate you on your nominations for the 2012 Oscars. While I have yet to see The Help, all of my white friends tell me that it’s “A-MAH-zing”. I guess that means that they really liked it. Now, I realize that we’re a few decades removed from the Civil Rights Movement, but sadly many of us are still seen as representations for our entire race. This is especially true when we are on a public stage. So, while I sincerely applaud your talent, I do have to make one small request: should you win, PLEASE do not do anything stupid on your way to the podium. I figured this was a good time to go over some award show etiquette.

DON’T give your award away to some random old dude who doesn’t even know who you are.

Jack Lemmon was in Grumpy Old Men! He don’t need yo’ award!

DON’T go kiss Ryan Gosling or Bradley Cooper up there on stage!

Y’all forgot this, didn’t you? You know something’s up when Mr. Tibbs himself has a look on his face like, “Denzel better let go of that white woman.” Check out the clip on YouTube and look at Russell Crowe’s face. I’m surprised we didn’t have riots the day after this. Nah, we were too busy bootlegging Training Day tapes from Blockbuster.

DON’T lost your shit onstage. There’s something to be said about humility: