Sensing the adverse effect this unnecessary digression might have on our conversation, I took two pieces of salmon jerkies out of the treat box and gave them to my husband, who then fed them into the igloo.

It happens overnight that those toes become total strangers... grizzled beef jerkies at the end of your foot... veins that pop out looking like a map of downtown Apocalypse, topped with gnarly little tufts of hair, your former toenail is now a two-inch thick slab of volcanic lava on a crusty linoleum biscuit!

Levin's spirits bottomed out last September at the National Association of Convenience Stores convention in Las Vegas: "The whole show was normal jerkies, condoms, cigarettes and fake nacho cheese," he says.

To test the validity of this dietary elimination, he performed three separate patient challenges with Chinese food (with MSG), three glasses of Crystal light (aspartame), and a bag of beef jerkies (MSG).

Pierce Rowe, Czar of Jerky, and Josh Case, the company's president, explained that they were looking for vegetarian jerkies to make in upcoming markets, but nothing says "I love you" better than a heart-shaped piece of dried meat with a personalized card featuring messages such as "Be (ef) My Valentine!" and "Dear Valentine, From the moment we met, I knew I wanted to share a bag of jerky with you."