Humor-Satire: Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

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Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

I have received your petition to secede from the United States and have forwarded it to Congress who will act on it with their usual speed.

All military bases in Texas will be closed and personnel relocated to bases in
the United States, except for a contingency left to guard the Texas-US
Border.

Any Texas citizen holding a US passport is required to surrender it immediately. Entry into the US will require a valid Texas passport. Anyone staying longer than two weeks will have to obtain a visa.

Funding for highways, transportation, bridges, infrastructure, education and medical facilities will cease immediately. Your representatives to the US Congress are ordered to leave Washington as soon as possible. All US licenses to do business are revoked.

The FAA will no longer operate at your airports and air traffic controllers are terminated. All Federal Civil Service employees in the country of Texas are terminated.

The FCC no longer operates so you will be responsible for licensing your
own telephone, radio, television and Internet providers.

Anyone receiving payments for Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and Disability will have to reapply and Congress will decide if foreigners are allowed to receive
payments from the US Government.

The Coast Guard will no longer operate in Texas waters so suggest you form your own navy immediately to protect your
borders against foreign invaders, drug smugglers, terrorists and illegal
aliens.

Good luck.

P.S. Attached is your portion of the bill for the
national debt.

We're gonna sit down and have ourselves a drink! And after we're done - after *I'm* done, you can run upstairs and take whichever one of them little pills makes you feel the best~Dolores Claiborne

Re: Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

I have received your petition to secede from the United States and have forwarded it to Congress who will act on it with their usual speed.

All military bases in Texas will be closed and personnel relocated to bases in
the United States, except for a contingency left to guard the Texas-US
Border.

Any Texas citizen holding a US passport is required to surrender it immediately. Entry into the US will require a valid Texas passport. Anyone staying longer than two weeks will have to obtain a visa.

Funding for highways, transportation, bridges, infrastructure, education and medical facilities will cease immediately. Your representatives to the US Congress are ordered to leave Washington as soon as possible. All US licenses to do business are revoked.

The FAA will no longer operate at your airports and air traffic controllers are terminated. All Federal Civil Service employees in the country of Texas are terminated.

The FCC no longer operates so you will be responsible for licensing your
own telephone, radio, television and Internet providers.

Anyone receiving payments for Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and Disability will have to reapply and Congress will decide if foreigners are allowed to receive
payments from the US Government.

The Coast Guard will no longer operate in Texas waters so suggest you form your own navy immediately to protect your
borders against foreign invaders, drug smugglers, terrorists and illegal
aliens.

Good luck.

P.S. Attached is your portion of the bill for the
national debt.

You are gonna keep this up, aren't you? And I have already told you we have a Texas Navy.
Located in San Antonio on the San Antonio River during the Fiesta de San Antonio.

BEWARE! Harassing the Indian may result in sudden and severe hair loss.

Re: Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

They will have to have to contract or build their own "NWS" National Weather service. And Texas is known for wild wooly tornados, frequent outbreaks of severe thunderstorms, black ice in the winter, flash flooding, and of course hurricanes, no more USA satellite or warnings (like Cuba). What will the farmers do????
How will the shipping lanes be set up as to maritime law in and out of Houston?
All New Port of Entries and Texas will have to manage the border with Mexico, that's no cheap deal. No more federal border patrol leave it to the Texas Rangers. The border patrol on the northern border with the USA not in Laredo or Brownsville. OUch and dirty old El Paso to the west.
But that's okay plenty of work in Texas paying USA minimum wage at the lucky shamrock and Wal-Mart. The big oil guys in Houston will increase benefits for all their low wage contractors and increase maximum income to qualify for Texas version Medicaid plus set up the food stamps. Everyone who needs a out door shit house can apply with no permit as to polluting the ground water now. And when hurricane Zac' wipes out Galveston once again as many times in the past , Texas can set up its own FEMA to rebuild it and Environmental protection to re nourish the beaches of sand washed out.
As well as dredge its own deep channel shipping lanes so commerce can continue to make Houston thrive.
The new capital can be Stinkadena (PASADENA)

Re: Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

If anyone even attempts to think about laying any sort of claim on TX-Beau on this forum, they will have to deal with the Eastern European Wild Man, and that will NOT be pleasant for anyone involved -_-

Just saying.

That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
- Gene Wolfe

Re: Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

Originally Posted by JayHawk

there now that is correct....

HA

Well I am not known for my bottoming ways, but men in uniforms and men with southern accents always do it for me. If we start a refugee program after Texas finishes embarrassing itself... well it would be a cornucopia of fun.

- - - Updated - - -

Originally Posted by Rolyo85

If anyone even attempts to think about laying any sort of claim on TX-Beau on this forum, they will have to deal with the Eastern European Wild Man, and that will NOT be pleasant for anyone involved -_-

Just saying.

I thought I had your heart! you little sex dumpling!

We're gonna sit down and have ourselves a drink! And after we're done - after *I'm* done, you can run upstairs and take whichever one of them little pills makes you feel the best~Dolores Claiborne

Re: Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

Originally Posted by Rolyo85

If anyone even attempts to think about laying any sort of claim on TX-Beau on this forum, they will have to deal with the Eastern European Wild Man, and that will NOT be pleasant for anyone involved -_-

Just saying.

I happen to enjoy a little east european sexyy kitten... errr wild man....

Everyone can be great, because everyone can serve.~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Re: Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

Texas will not be the only one lots of other states are doing the same thing. I dought the north will be very warn with out our gass and oil. Go get your heat from some alge pools or a wind farm. And last I checked Louisiana stiil controls the Mississippi river. Oh yea and not to mention most refineries are in the south as well so how much you want to pay for a gallon of fuel now.

Re: Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

Since a majority of the states will probably leave we wll keep the US of A name. For the rest of you, I suggest The Diverse Socialist Multcultures. That should be politically correct enough. You certainly will not want to call yourselves United, since it would not suggest diversity.

Re: Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

Originally Posted by Dillon6962

Texas will not be the only one lots of other states are doing the same thing. I dought the north will be very warn with out our gass and oil. Go get your heat from some alge pools or a wind farm. And last I checked Louisiana stiil controls the Mississippi river. Oh yea and not to mention most refineries are in the south as well so how much you want to pay for a gallon of fuel now.

We'd never let Louisiana and Texas secede. It would be so unfair to all the Latinos and African Americans left behind who would likely be subject to immediate passage of a new round of Jim Crow laws. Of course, sexy gay men like Tx Beaux would have to flee north.

Re: Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

Originally Posted by vulgar_newcomer

They will have to have to contract or build their own "NWS" National Weather service. And Texas is known for wild wooly tornados, frequent outbreaks of severe thunderstorms, black ice in the winter, flash flooding, and of course hurricanes, no more USA satellite or warnings (like Cuba). What will the farmers do????
How will the shipping lanes be set up as to maritime law in and out of Houston?
All New Port of Entries and Texas will have to manage the border with Mexico, that's no cheap deal. No more federal border patrol leave it to the Texas Rangers. The border patrol on the northern border with the USA not in Laredo or Brownsville. OUch and dirty old El Paso to the west.
But that's okay plenty of work in Texas paying USA minimum wage at the lucky shamrock and Wal-Mart. The big oil guys in Houston will increase benefits for all their low wage contractors and increase maximum income to qualify for Texas version Medicaid plus set up the food stamps. Everyone who needs a out door shit house can apply with no permit as to polluting the ground water now. And when hurricane Zac' wipes out Galveston once again as many times in the past , Texas can set up its own FEMA to rebuild it and Environmental protection to re nourish the beaches of sand washed out.
As well as dredge its own deep channel shipping lanes so commerce can continue to make Houston thrive.
The new capital can be Stinkadena (PASADENA)

Ow! Where did you come from? I'm so confused!

BEWARE! Harassing the Indian may result in sudden and severe hair loss.

Re: Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

Originally Posted by Dillon6962

Texas will not be the only one lots of other states are doing the same thing. I dought the north will be very warn with out our gass and oil. Go get your heat from some alge pools or a wind farm. And last I checked Louisiana stiil controls the Mississippi river. Oh yea and not to mention most refineries are in the south as well so how much you want to pay for a gallon of fuel now.

And I found out during Katrina that the Folgers coffee warehouse is in New Orleans. I had to switch coffee for a while.

BEWARE! Harassing the Indian may result in sudden and severe hair loss.

Re: Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

The fleet of boats that run up and down that river taking tourists to crappy Tex Mex restaurants FOR TOURISTS does not constitute a "Texas Navy."

They could let the private sector form their navy. I'm not sure how they'd run it for a profit (or even break-even), but maybe Romney can find a plan from his binders.

"Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

Re: Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

If Texas leaves, the Pacific Northwest should join with British Columbia and form Cascadia, while California could go back to being the Bear Republic.

"Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

Re: Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

& just think W could run for president again! Of Texas! Over Perrys dead body, but then W could send "brokeback" Rick hunting with V P Dick Cheney. Wy, OK, ID,MS could leave too, who'd miss 'em?

BP: Better watch out, the Texas Navy might "up anchor" the old battleship Texas (built, 1912) the museum in Houston. Her 16 inchers could reach your place in Boston, from near P-Town or the harbor, if they didn't blow up upon firing!! Could you handle 16 inchers? By the way, I'll take you up on that lap offer, LOL

Re: Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

Originally Posted by Benvolio

Since a majority of the states will probably leave we wll keep the US of A name. For the rest of you, I suggest The Diverse Socialist Multcultures. That should be politically correct enough. You certainly will not want to call yourselves United, since it would not suggest diversity.

When this happens, don't think you can come here anytime. We do not like immigrants.

BEWARE! Harassing the Indian may result in sudden and severe hair loss.

Re: Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

Originally Posted by Benvolio

Since a majority of the states will probably leave we wll keep the US of A name. For the rest of you, I suggest The Diverse Socialist Multcultures. That should be politically correct enough. You certainly will not want to call yourselves United, since it would not suggest diversity.

Re: Obama responds to Texas secession with offer of assistance

We would see the pro Obama military invade and remove any government of any state that tried to secede from the union.

I just have one thing to say to the secessionists. It was a lesson the Anti Obama Al Queda learned the hard way....

Predator drones. There is no state police force that can withstand the American Millitary, and I assure you, they are not going to desert the President.

Second, If you secede FROM the USA, you give up your right to use the name or be an american. That is why it will never happen.

These gun toting flag waving fringe loonies will never give up the flag. They will never give up the Money that Washington has. It's time for every state to remind itself of why having a federal government is needed. These secessionists are inadvertently forcing their own members to think of the options, and the choice being provided by the secessionists is not really sounding fun to the average american.

Let the south secede. How will they survive without the rest of the nation? They will become the land that once was..... The new Third world american states.

I Still think we ought to just send all the secessionists to Somalia. It's a great place for them. No centralized government, lots of guns, and lots of black people to shoot at, people killing each other over what party they belong to. I'm sure if they turn it over to mitt and the corporations to run, it will all turn out great. Everyone will get rich in the nation of Fuckwadistan. right?

Mitt is dying to share his hidden stash with all of you. I'mm sure if you are hungry or need medical help he will dial 911 for help. In the REAL america. And charge you for the long distance phone call.

We're gonna sit down and have ourselves a drink! And after we're done - after *I'm* done, you can run upstairs and take whichever one of them little pills makes you feel the best~Dolores Claiborne