We asked adoptive parents to tell us what they wish their family and friends understood. Here, in their own words, is what they told us.

1. We're working hard to help a traumatised child

'I wish people would understand that my child suffered immense trauma at the hands of his birth parents. I wish they knew that these days most children are taken away from their birth parents because they have been badly abused and neglected.

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'Children like my son come with severe mental scars, which may take years to manifest and never completely heal.

'I wish schools could see beyond "bad behaviour" to a frightened child and help rather than punish. I wish schools were experienced in dealing with children of trauma or could admit they don't know what to do and listen more to a parent.

'And I wish people could see a brave child who is struggling to trust adults again instead of judging a "naughty" boy. And sometimes I wish people could see how hard us 'therapeutic parents' work to try and enable that.' Madeleine Jones, who tweets at @instantmummy

'No one understands that children adopted from care can "leak trauma" and adopters, who tend to be sensitive and empathetic, can soak this up like a sponge. Secondary trauma is real, and related to that is post-adoption depression.' Lucy*

'I wish people didn't assume any issues or challenges were down to bad parenting rather than the early life experiences of our children.' Martha*

2. The adoption process is really tough

'No one understands how lonely the adoption journey can be, even for couples with a large network of support surrounding them. During the journey to approval you are expected to open your whole life and that of your family and friends to be judged by a higher authority, whilst coping with many delays and unexpected hurdles along the way.

'Only other adopters or prospective adopters understand the frustration of second-guessing every comment that you make and how this might be interpreted. The assessment process is not an easy one and nor should it be - we are talking about looking after the most vulnerable children in our society who have been hurt by those around them.

'This is not an option to undertake lightly; it is a journey full of hope, frustration, self-exploration, learning, patience, love - in fact all the qualities you will need to become a parent!' Sally*

3. Adoption doesn't define us

'It's often easy for non-adoptive parents to look at a family such as ours and think that adoption is the main thing about us - but we're just a normal family unit. Adoption is a positive part of who we are, but it doesn't define us.' Mandy Worseley, who adopted through Let's Adopt

'I want don't want my daughter to be defined as "adopted" - as there is so much more to her than that.' Clair

4. Please don't say we're not 'real' parents

'We are their real parents. Pinch me! Feel real? And my children are real siblings. The terminology you're looking for is birth parent. Not real parent. Not natural parent.' Tracy*

'My church members love to throw baby showers when a woman is expecting a baby. Unfortunately I wasn't offered one as I wasn't expecting but adopting. Someone once said to me: "So how do you feel about the child's real mum?" I felt that they implied that I wasn't my son's real or true mother.' Jo*

5. We are as much a family as any other

'People said to me that you don't get any "firsts" unless you're adopting a baby, but the first time my daughter said "I love you mummy", I was in floods of tears.

'You don't have to give birth to someone to have a family. You just need to be able to give them the love and attention that they need.' Sharon, who adopted through SSAFA

'Yes, you can love them like your own!' Karen

'I wish people understood that adoption isn't "second best".' Martha*

6. But adopting is a different experience of parenting

'Adoption is not a substitute for a birth child. It is a more intense way of parenting, but it brings a whole raft of rewards and is certainly worth it.' Ruth*

'Modern adoption is about giving specialist parenting to a child who hurts.' Suzanne*

7. We have a unique bond with our child

'My social worker told me there was a five month-old baby girl in foster care; she had problems feeding and was extremely underweight, a very sickly baby that had to withdraw from drugs at birth. I asked to see a photograph and I knew as soon as I saw her she was going to be my daughter.

'The first time I met Mia she was lying under a play gym; she looked up at me and gave me the biggest smile. I fell in love right then.

'The first months were tough; Mia was quite poorly at times, but I'm delighted to say that now she is a happy, beautiful two-year-old who is thriving. We have a special bond and I cannot imagine life without her.

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'Adoptive parents are just the same as any parent except we realised our dream, for whatever reason, a little differently from the norm.' Clair

8. We're not saints

'We are not "saints" for adopting - we are ordinary people, just like you, dealing with extraordinary children.' Cathy

9. We still feel the pain of infertility and miscarriage

'I wish family and friends would understand that adoption does not make the pain and loss of miscarriage and infertility go away.' Laura*

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10. Don't push us to tell you things

'Any information I choose to share with you about my son's birth parents is confidential. It is his story, not yours.' Christine

'Don't ask the parents or the child about a child's early experience. This is the child's information and is on a need-to-know basis only. It's not helpful to the child to breach their confidentiality - just as adults discern who knows what about us.' Caroline Fitzgerald, Post Adoption Social Worker for TACT

11. We have to parent differently

'I seem like a strict mum but my children are terrified of not having boundaries.' Cathy

'I wish people understood we aren't being overly careful or protective, we are just aware of our children's additional needs. Misunderstanding this can often lead to being undermined by well-intentioned friends and family.' Martha*

'When a family first brings home their child, it is crucial that they have time together to bond with their child. It is important that they keep the child's world to a minimum; my sons needed time to learn to trust me. I told my family and friends that they needed to respect the boundaries I put in place.' Jo*

12. Don't compare your child to mine

'We know other children might lie, steal or not do their homework occasionally. This is not the same as doing it all the time. Telling me that your child did it once or every now and again just doesn't help. I know you are trying to make me feel better but it really isn't the same as living with it every day so just let me vent.' Karen

13. Love isn't always enough

'A huge percentage of children taken into care have some form of effects from in-utero alcohol, meaning that their brain development is not what it could be. And many adopted children have suffered developmental trauma - their brains are wired differently to children who have been nurtured both in utero and in their early years.

'This results in hard-wired social, emotional, behavioural and educational needs, none of which are cured just by having a stable family and lots of love. While adoption most certainly improves things for children, it doesn't wipe away the past altogether, and most kids adopted in the modern system don't do as well in school as their peers.

'No-one understands how heart-breaking it is to live with your child's huge sense of loss, and never ever be able to 'fix it'.' Toni*

'Loving them doesn't make the past go away.' Maria*

'There is the misconception that once a child is adopted their difficulties disappear. However this is not always the case and it's the children who bear the cost of this lack of understanding.' Hugh Thornbery, CBE, chief executive of Adoption UK

14. But adoption can really change a child's life for the better

'Most importantly, we'd like non-adopters to understand that adoption can be a good option for some children. It gives them a second chance of experiencing enduring family relationships when birth parents cannot care for them and no other reasonable options are available in the wider family.

'It provides stability, permanence, and the love and nurture that all children need.

'The outcomes for children adopted are better than for those who stay in care. Adopters pick up the pieces for children who have survived a terrible start in life.'

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