The Technobabblator

Written: 1999.11.05

Who is the technobabblator? Here's a hint: he has an odd skin
complexion, he has a positronic brain, and he can't figure out a
Chinese finger puzzle. Yes, you guessed it: Lieutenant-Commander
Data! The following is a brief list of famous quotations from Star
Wars, as they would sound if they were spoken by Data:

The Technobabblator

Star Wars

"Your father's fixed-length
energy beam projection device. Devices like this were considered the
primary close-quarters combat weapon of the Jedi Knights. This
particular type of weapon requires a great deal of skill to operate,
but its operating characteristics are weighted heavily toward high
accuracy and repeatability. This type of weapon was well suited to
the social and economic conditions prevalent in the ancient era in
which it was popularized."

"Your father's lightsabre. This
is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster
... an elegant weapon, for a more civilized age."

"You should be careful to refrain
from excessively optimistic tactical projections based on the
operating parameters and characteristics of this battle station.
There is a distinct possibility that the energy requirements for the
destruction of an inhabitable planetoid may be significantly lower
than the quantities of energy that can theoretically be yielded by
tapping into the energy fields generated by living organisms."

"Don't be too proud of this
technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a
planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force."

"There are significant
differences in operating parameters between the process of engaging
a hyperdrive propulsion system for a jump to superluminal speed, and
the process of using aircraft to aerially distribute pesticides over
agricultural territory. If you do not perform percise computations
prior to the hyperspace jump, it is likely that your flight path
will come within close proximity to dangerous celestial phenomena,
such as a star or supernova. There is a high probability that a
collision or close-proximity encounter with such a dangerous
phenomenon would result in the premature termination of your
journey."

"Travelling through hyperspace
ain't like dusting crops, boy! Without precise calculations you'd
fly right through a star, or bounce too close to a supernova, and
that'd end your trip real quick, wouldn't it?"

"It is exceedingly rare for
people to be overly concerned with the threat of violent retribution
from an android, after defeating them in a recreational game of
strategy. This is due to the fact that there are no known incidents
on record in which androids have forcibly dismembered their
opponents following a defeat in such a recreational game. However,
it is a matter of historical fact that the species known as wookies
has a distinct tendency to react to strategy game losses in just
such a manner."

"That's 'cause droids don't pull people's arms out of their
sockets when they lose. Wookies are known to do that."