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Saturday, October 15, 2016

I
really hoped that after that kind of season, the Universe would give me a pass
and help us glide effortlessly right back into the school routine.However, that was not the case.

Marie
became very sick over Labor Day weekend.A scary rash started in her face and then covered her entire body which
we originally thought was an allergic reaction to red food dye.I remained vigilant, noting the times I have
her medication and taking photos of her rash.We ended up going to the ER three times because none of her medications
were working and her hands and feet became swollen along with an itchy, tight
throat.

Being
in the ER at 2am with my kid who is not responding to medicine is a scary place
to be. Friends and family would let her know that they were worried for her,
which makes an sensitive, analytical person like Marie feel uncomfortable.

At
one time, she asked me, “All of these people are worried about me, Mom.Are you worried?You don’t seem worried.”

The
question took me a bit off guard, and I thought about what I wanted to
say.“I don’t have the luxury of being
worried.Worried is something that takes
me to a place where my emotions take over and decisions are made out of
fear.I am concerned so I can remember
important information to give to the doctors and help you get better.” I wanted to dissolve into my worry and cry, but
I needed the energy to stay focused.She
couldn’t feel safe if I was loosing my shit.

Thomas
noticed this laser-like focus.It was
the night before the first day of school, and Marie was devastated that she
would not be going.We were getting
ready for bed, and I was giving Marie her medicine while Thomas was putting
toothpaste on his toothbrush.In the
middle of Marie’s meltdown, Thomas not-so-gently reminded me, “You have to take
care of me, too, Mom!”Even though
Harrington had been with him, it still didn’t fill the void of his mother’s
undivided attention.

Mom
guilt – it’s the worst.

After
Marie was diagnosed with mycoplasma and fully recovered after her antibiotics,
I felt the heavy weight of mom guilt as I left my children to go to New Jersey with my Mom and visit family.

It
was the same pang when I was relieved,
instead of sad, when summer was over.What kind of mom does not cherish! every! moment?!

A
mom who fiercely loves her children and who has also experienced the
unadulterated joy of feeding her soul with creativity, that’s who.

I
almost wrote “but” instead of “and” in that sentence because it often feels
that these two things cannot exist together.

And
yet they must.

I
show up for my family in big and important ways.I am there in all the small, significant
moments.I flow in their lives, and like
water, I pool up where I need to be.I
unapologetically take up space in their lives because, as a mother, that is
what I am supposed to do.That is what I
want to do.

I
then limit the space that I reserve for myself because I worry
that it might take away from them.

After
listening to Rob Bell’s podcast about seasons , I am reminded that this
season of raising young kids is just that – a season.It isn’t always going to be this frustrating
nor will it always be this sweet.

But
I can no longer deny the importance of quiet time and creativity.

I
need it.

What
fills me will overflow into them, clearing a space to fully soak up the light
of each season.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

I am unbelievably glad
that it is the first week of October.I
am filled with happiness not only because my birthday is fast approaching and
few things bring me joy like celebrating my birthday since I get to choose
where we get pizza (which will definitely not be the cheap pizza that the kids
love) and I get to have cake and champagne.

That would be reason
enough to ring in the fall season.

But if I am being
truthful, I am relieved that summer is safely in the rearview mirror.It was the most difficult summer I have had
in a long time.

Leading up to the season,
we were faced with a string of complications.

Marie had a confirmed
diagnosis of scoliosis, and she needed to be fitted for her back brace.

I got braces on my teeth
to prep for a tooth implant that needed to be done ten years ago.

Then there were ALL of
the end of school events which relentlessly shoved us right into our summer
routine.This new schedule had me
viewing the first few weeks of summer through my minivan windshield while
chauffeuring the kids to swim, theater, gymnastics, and Lego camp.

All while Harrington was
home for approximately 12½ days in June.

I felt disorientated and
frustrated as I drifted further away from my center.

The cat was frustrated,
too, and vented his feelings by spraying the walls with urine.Also my underwear drawer because he really
needed to drive home his point.Message
received, Scott Awesome.

We both dealt with this
in our own way.

Scott Awesome went on
Prozac.

I went to a yoga silent
retreat.One reason being that we
couldn’t share the Prozac.When I made a
joke about sharing to the pharmacist, he did not laugh one bit.I feared that he would call the authorities
about a wild-eyed mother who appeared to be drug seeking the tiniest about of
controlled substance through her cat.

I was desperate to take
a moment away from my mom duties.Although jail would give me a break from my kids, I don’t think it would
have been as restorative as the preplanned yoga trip, which quite honestly, was
life-changing and deserves its own post.

I would be remiss if I
didn’t mention a few good memories that were sprinkled through the season.

Like the time we went to
Myrtle Beach.We played on the beach
(when we weren’t dodging jellyfish).We
also ate Krispy Kreme donuts right off of the assembly line which was more
magical than I anticipated.

Or the times we went to
the park and they played so nicely with each other I thought that my heart
would explode.

But overall, it was not
easy.Everything – life, writing, being
a mom and a wife – it felt clunky and heavy.I often wondered what business I had writing a book while mothering
young kids.

With all my mixed up
feelings of guilt and relief, I ran towards the first day of school with the
promise that balance would be restored.

Of course our transition
from summer to fall was not smooth at all.

But because I am writing
my book, I will need to talk about all the things like mom guilt and how much
space I really allow myself to fill up in next week’s blog post.