8. Set reasonable boundaries for your children.

Dr. Nancy Darling and Dr. Linda Caldwell found that effective parents explain the logic of the rules to their children. These parents state the principles behind the rules. In so doing, they form a closer, more understanding relationship with their children.

Darling says about parents who don’t set boundaries: “… kids take the lack of rules as a sign that their parents don’t actually care – that their parents don’t really want this job of being a parent.”

As a parent, it’s unhealthy to be too controlling. But children need boundaries to make the most of their potential.

You can also make your children’s bedroom as quiet and dark as possible, to improve their sleep quality.

10. Focus on the process, not the end result.

Parents who overemphasize achievement are more likely to bring up children who have psychological problems and engage in risky behavior, as described in Raising Happiness.

The alternative to focusing on achievement?

Focus on the process.

As Dr. Carol Dweck’s research shows, children who concentrate on effort and attitude – not on the desired result – end up attaining greater success in the long run.

So look out for opportunities to acknowledge your children’s good behavior, attitude, and effort. As time goes by, they’ll naturally achieve better outcomes.

11. Give your children more time to play.

When I say “play,” I’m not referring to arcade or iPad games. I’m referring to unstructured playtime, preferably outdoors.

Raising Happiness describes how playtime is essential for children’s learning and growth. The research even indicates that the less unstructured playtime children have, the more likely they are to have developmental issues related to their physical, emotional, social, and mental well-being.

Having a playful attitude is even linked to superior academic performance. So give your children more unstructured playtime, and they’ll become better students.

12. Reduce your children’s TV time.

The studies quoted in Raising Happiness show a strong link between increased happiness and less TV time. In other words, happy people watch less TV than unhappy people.

13. Encourage your children to keep a gratitude journal.

I’m sure the results would have been even more impressive if the duration of the study was longer!

Not only were the participants who kept a gratitude journal happier, they also had more hope for the future, and they fell sick less often.

How can you start keeping a gratitude journal?

Step 1: Get a notebook and pen, and put them on your bedside table.

Step 2: Every night before you go to sleep, write down two or three things that you’re thankful for. (Don’t worry about how “big” or “small” these things are.)

Here are some examples of what you might write:

Good health

Loving family

Beautiful sunset

Delicious chicken stew for dinner

Smooth traffic on the way home

14. Allow your children to make their own choices (including choosing their own punishment).

The Secrets of Happy Families discusses a University of California study, which identified the benefits of letting children plan their own schedules and set their own goals.

These children were more likely to become disciplined and focused, and to make wiser decisions in the future.

The researchers also found that it’s helpful for parents to let their children choose their own punishments. Children who do so break the rules less frequently.

Let your children pick their own activities too, whenever possible. Dr. Rich Gilman discovered that children who participate in structured school activities that they’ve chosen are 24% more likely to enjoy going to school.

So as your children get older, give them the freedom to make more of their own choices. They’ll become happier and more successful as a result.

15. Resolve the conflicts in your marriage.

Children whose parents have serious marital conflicts perform worse academically, are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, and are more likely to have emotional problems, as shown by this study by Kelly Musick.

No surprises there.

Through my work with students, I interact with many parents as well. I’m shocked by the number of families in which the parents have major ongoing marital issues. (Based on my observations, I estimate that 30% of these marriages are breaking apart.)

This definitely impacts the children, who become less motivated, responsible, and engaged.

If you have issues in your marriage that have gone unresolved for months or years, please seek help from a therapist or counselor. Your children – and your marriage – are counting on you.

16. Encourage your children to serve others and be generous.

When they serve other people, e.g. making a difference in the community, volunteering, helping their friends and family.

Being generous also makes children happier, as found by Dr. L.B. Aknin. She discovered that toddlers are happier when they give away treats to others than when they receive treats. Interestingly, toddlers become even happier when they give away treats that belong to them, rather than the same treats that don’t belong to them.

So encourage your children to serve others and be generous, and find ways to do this as a family too.

17. Promote a healthy body image.

According to a study conducted by the Institute of Child Health, one-third of 13-year-old girls are upset over their weight. In addition, research by Dove found that 69% of mothers make negative comments about their bodies in front of their children. This affects their children’s own body image.

Here are some ways to promote a healthy body image in your children:

Focus on the health benefits of exercise, rather than on how it affects your appearance

Focus more on your children’s character and skills development, and less on their appearance

Exercise together as a family

Talk to your children about how the media influences the way we view our bodies

Don’t talk about how guilty you feel after eating certain foods

Don’t pass judgment on other people’s appearance

18. Don’t shout at your children.

Dr. Laura Markham describes how yelling at your children can quickly turn your home into a perpetual battleground. Children who live in such a hostile environment are more likely to feel insecure and anxious.

If you’re on the verge of losing your temper, remove yourself from the situation. Take 10 minutes to collect your thoughts before speaking to your child again. Practice empathizing with your children’s feelings through a process called “emotion coaching.”

If it helps, imagine that your friend or boss is there with you in the room. This way, you’ll speak more calmly to your children.

Children who learn to forgive are able to turn negative feelings about the past into positive ones. This increases their levels of happiness and life satisfaction.

Be a role model for your children.

Don’t hold grudges against people who have wronged you, and take the initiative to resolve personal conflicts. Discuss the importance of forgiveness with your children, so that they’ll turn forgiveness into a lifestyle.

20. Teach your children to think positively.

Not surprisingly, Dr. Seligman also found that children who are more optimistic tend to be happier.

How can you teach your children to think positively?

Encouraging them to keep a gratitude journal is one way (see Point #13). Here are some additional ways:

Develop a positive attitude yourself

Don’t complain

Don’t gossip

Don’t make a huge deal out of spilled drinks, broken plates, etc.

See the good in others and acknowledge it

Teach your children to phrase things positively, e.g. “I like playing with David and Sarah” instead of “I hate playing with Tom”

Tell your children about the challenges you face, and how those challenges are helping you grow

21. Create a family mission statement.

Bruce Feiler, author of The Secrets of Happy Families, advises parents to develop a family mission statement. This statement describes your family’s values and collective vision.

22. Have regular family meetings.

Feiler’s other recommendation is to have a 20-minute family meeting once a week. During the meeting, he suggests that you ask all family members these three questions:

What did you do well in the past week?

What did you not do so well in the past week?

What will you work on in the coming week?

When I was younger, my family used to have regular meetings. These meetings brought the family closer together, and reinforced the importance of family relationships.

To this day, I still remember how I excited I was about attending those meetings. So I encourage you to start this practice, if you haven’t already done so.

23. Share your family history with your children.

The research shows that children who know more about their family history have higher levels of self-esteem. This contributes to their success and happiness later in life.

Dr. Marshall Duke and Dr. Robyn Fivush have developed a “Do You Know” scale that lists 20 questions, which children should be able to answer about their family history.

These questions include “Do you know some of the illnesses and injuries that your parents experienced when they were younger?” and “Do you know some things that happened to your mom or dad when they were in school?”.

Sharing your family history strengthens family bonds, and helps your children to become more resilient.

25. Help your children to find a mentor.

Children who have a trusted adult in their life (apart from their parents) have 30% higher levels of life satisfaction than children who don’t, Dr. Lisa Colarossi has discovered.

You can find a mentor for your child by asking your friend to take on the role, by encouraging your child to join an organization like the Boys & Girls Club, or by signing up for a mentoring program (like this one that I offer).

It is amazing how many of these techniques one can intuitively employ without knowing this “List”..bottom line….”if your life’s work is not to make your children better than you are..then get a new job “

Great tips for parenting Daniel. I’m a 59 y/o mother and I’ve performed most of your tips but some were missed. All I want is to share this to my children who are now building their own family. I can say my children grew up happy, loving and disciplined. Thank you for sharing your tips

My daughter is struggling with my 3 1/2 year old daughter. I found this article and this is just what she needs to hear. Outstanding suggestions! I have told my daughter she needs to fix her and her relationship, before Ella (granddaughter) will ever have a chance. I hope reading this will help her made the right choices.
Thank you!
Tammie