Joyce Brothers: Money issues between relatives should be spelled out

By DR. JOYCE BROTHERS, SYNDICATED COLUMNIST

Published 10:00 pm, Wednesday, August 6, 2003

DEAR DR. BROTHERS: I'm a 33-year-old guy who, unfortunately, got into some trouble with some bad debts in the past. I also have an elderly aunt who's been very successful in her life, so she's now worth a lot of money. Money is absolutely no problem for her. As she had no children of her own, I kind of figured she'd be good to my sister and me -- and she did give a fairly large sum to my sister, but none to me. A couple of months ago, I told her I was down on my luck and, in short, had some financial problems. I think I just asked if she could help me out. She did, but then last week said that if I wanted, I could repay her in installments. I'm really hurt. I had no idea that was a loan. I figured it was a gift, like to my sister. What should I do? -- H.B.

DEAR H.B.: It's always dangerous to make assumptions about money. Quite honestly, I don't understand why you'd feel entitled to a gift simply because she gave something to your sister. After all, she could've given this to a charity or to a man on the street if she liked. She might have had some separate understanding with your sister, or your sister might have had some special need.

In order to avoid misunderstandings, it's wise for any exchanges of money between relatives or close friends to be clearly stated in writing. If it's a loan, rather than a gift, this should be stated in a written document that makes it clear if any interest is expected, and if so, the amount of it. The exact time and manner of repayment should also be in writing. Because that wasn't done originally, you should now get the information and repay on your aunt's terms.

DEAR DR. BROTHERS: I'm a victim of incest, as a result of my being left alone with an uncle and an aunt -- my mother's sister, a gentle, kind woman. Because they were poor, she often went away to work outside the home, leaving me alone with her husband until late in the evening. I'm now 23. I repressed all this for quite some time. He didn't start until I was 13, but I was only a young, frightened girl, scared to death to speak up to anyone. This monster is dead, my mother is institutionalized, and my aunt is frail and elderly. I'm still angry, ashamed and embarrassed. Would it help if I told my aunt? -- K.P.

DEAR K.P.: Talking with a therapist would help to relieve this burden, and he or she would make you realize that you've no reason for the shame or guilt you feel. Yours is not an unusual reaction, because the perpetrator tries to push his own guilt onto the victim. He knows he's responsible, he knows that what he's doing is wrong, so he uses his power to further damage and frighten the helpless child by threatening her if she doesn't remain silent. You desperately need to talk with someone so you'll start to be free of anger and will eventually begin to learn to trust again.

Because your aunt is elderly and now helpless herself, I believe that talking with her about this might actually increase your feelings of guilt. Another way to relieve your pain without hurting anyone is to try writing out your feelings -- and keeping what you write in a safe place until you're ready to destroy it or take it to your therapist.