Where Miss Snark vented her wrath on the hapless world of writers and crushed them to sand beneath her T.Rexual heels of stiletto snark. The blog is dark--no further updates after 5/20/2007.

12.16.2006

HH COM 56

MEMy experience as both a furtive card counter and courted high roller lend Mitcheneresque detail in my settings and characters.

STRUCTUREA family saga with multiple POV unfolds in three alternating time frames.

BLURBSFour generations of Richfields gamble with the truth as they reveal the genetic and psychological history they seem doomed to repeat. My modern-day Scarlett learned about odds from her casino-owning Grandpa Pershing, but ignores them when she seduces her gambling partner weeks before he marries her sister.

1st CHAPTER

“The young redhead pretended to watch the roulette table, her eyes focused on the adjacent $25 blackjack table. Becky positioned herself to see every card played since the dealer returned the six freshly-shuffled decks to the card dispenser. The shoe now holds approximately three decks. Becky is a card counter. A good one….

“After a moment of silence, Becky took a deep breath, leaned close to the Professor, and for once, ignored her own rule about not playing games she could not win….

“Becky was surprised by her boldness, her desperation. It wasn’t like she could win him back from her sister. The game was rigged; there could be no jackpot. Yet here she was, risking it all for one night, a consolation prize….

“Experienced at reading each other’s subtle signals in crowded casinos, their unrehearsed dance choreographed itself. But as they made their way to the bedroom, there were no bells, no whistles, no flashing lights. No winners here.”

This isn't a hook.This isn't a query letter.This is an application form for Reject Me Now University.

I have no idea why you have quote marks around all the paragraphs.This is a mess.

Before anyone will seriously consider publishing your work, you need to learn to follow instructions. Was ANY of this the kind of hook that Miss Snark was exquisitely clear about wanting?

Agents and publishers and editors all have stringent sets of criteria. They all have huge slushpiles, too. Anything that doesn't conform to their instructions for submission will get instantly dumped. None of them will hesitate to tell you this.

Okay, maybe the women object, but I get the gist of where you're going with it, and I thought some of the narrative was pretty cool. The POV switching doesn't need to be mentioned, that's regularly done. As far as hooks go, it missed the boat, but if you explained the plot nicely, then the writing could keep my attention.