Thursday, December 28, 2006

Proof That Santa Hates Jews

Monday night after working that day and celebrating the tree holiday with K’s family and seeing a movie with La Seg I was struck down in my prime! STRUCK DOWN I TELL YOU! Within 10 or 15 minutes of returning home at 11:30 pm I began tossing my cookies (actually fudge, I didn’t eat the cookies) and continued to hurl well beyond the cookies and turkey and frosted mini wheats I had for breakfast. I continued this fun adventure in ralphing (teehee… I have an Uncle Ralph) for 16 freaking hours! I only wish that was an exaggeration. At one point I was sipping water prior to the act so that I could avoid chundering any vital organs.

Morning happened and I called K on his cell phone (yes, yes we live in the same casa, he just couldn’t hear my sad little whimper upstairs) and suggested he call my sister to take the Tiny Terrorists and call my boss to call me in dead for the day. He called D but refused to call my boss as she bitched him out when I had a migraine. D fetched the Little People shortly after K left for work and as luck would have it she was here when my boss called to let it be known that she was pissed yet again at me for being too sick to work. I let D handle the call – no one can out do her in the BITCHY department.Then they left. The rest of the day was a blur of misery.

The next day I managed to keep down half a cup of broccoli cheese soup and some ice tea! Today I’m not cringing when I cough nor do I curl into the fetal position after a sneeze. And honestly, WTF? WHY are my SHOULDERS SORE??? I don’t remember using THEM while shouting groceries.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Kosher Gerbil Day

I know I haven’t posted much about Chanukkah this year. I honestly wasn’t much into the holidays until RIGHT before the first night of Chanukkah, then I was pissed because no one else seemed to really be into it enough to help me get my fucking Chanukkah garlands up (you know, the one’s I obsess over) so I had a little temper fit and declared that ALL HOLIDAYS in December were CANCLED. The Tiny Terrorists took no notice of their mentally challenged parental unit. They knew that once their daddy returned from Colorado (where he was that day) that he would once again fill the house with the gayness of the season – he gay after all – and that the holidays would once again be back on.

Well he returned if nothing else. And there is always a certain amount of gayness floating around this house even without holidays, so whatever, the holidays are still happening despite my proclamation.

Prior to K’s trip to Colorado, we discussed GIFTS for the Tiny Terrorists. I always cringe at this time of year. My family has usually showered my offspring with many, many toys and things in the spirit of whatever this gift giving time is. This is GREAT for the progeny, but not so good for me – ME the person who has to CLEAN up all of the FABULOUS TOYS and CRAP that end up littering every square inch of open floor in our living space. I kid you not. EVER SQUARE INCH. Mi casa is too small and mi kiddos are over indulged. So sue me. In the past I’ve sent out emails mid October suggesting that ANYONE feeling the urge to buy ANYTHING for my offspring to think not of TOYS but of books and maybe clothes, but definitely NO TOYS – and that honestly they don’t even have to buy them ANYTHING, and honestly I hoped they would heed that advice. HEED THE ADVICE I SAY! But no. No they didn’t. In years past I’ve been literally overwhelmed when the UPS guy arrived at my door with boxes that took up half of my living room that were full up with kid crap. Crap that my progeny absolutely LOVED, crap that I spend much time cleaning up and putting away. *sigh*

This year my general ambivalence toward the holidays in general left me a bit behind in my e-mailing pleas to NOT SEND MY KIDS ANYTHING. By the time I realized that it was nearing that gift giving time of year (hey I was working on some major denial, I figured if I pretended it wasn’t happening, it wouldn’t!) it was already a week into December. YIKES! The next thing I knew I was picking up a box at the office! I read the return address and CRINGED! My FAMILY! They SENT GIFTS! (or a mail bomb – either way a good reason to cringe.) With trembling hands I opened the box and discovered… GIFT CARDS! They sent my kids GIFT CARDS and an ornament! I LOVE THEM!

But I digress… I got side tracked… that’s how I am (isn’t it easy to understand how I get so freaking lost when driving?!?!?!?!). This is about Kosher Gerbil day. K and I discussed what to get our offspring for gifts. I suggested the PETS that Super Girl has been begging for. (Pets because I couldn’t just get Super Girl a pet and not Cabbage Patch so it would have to be PETS instead of PET). In previous discussions with Super Girl I had narrowed her pet choice to anything that wasn’t a CAT (we have two, we are at the maximum cattage here), or a DOG (I have a time share dog – Coco), was in the mammalian phyla (K doesn’t like reptiles or amphibians – what a bitch) and was SMALL. Which pretty much left the RODENT category. I’m totally down with that, I love my rodents and the offspring love my rodents also. It was decided that I would give the Tiny Terrorists gerbils for Chanukah.

On the first night of Chanukah I told the offspring that they would get one and only one present for Chanukah but it would be a BIG DEAL pressie. They were TOTALLY psyched and immediately started guessing what the BIG DEAL PRESSIE could be – the second guess was “Is it a pet?” Sunday (the third night of Chanukah) we took them to the pet store to select their gerbils. Super Girl got an albino and Cabbage Patch got a little ginger colored one with black eyes. Then it was time to name them. I had told K to remind me that I could not name the rodents since they aren’t MY pets – I would have named them Latke and Matzo (thanks Mystic for those suggestions) and I did suggest it to the progeny – which of course got me a dirty look from K. While in the store Super Girl looked at me and said “I’ll name mine WHITEY.” To which my eyes bugged out of my head and all the air left my lungs as I thought of the reaction my ‘former gang member’ neighbor would have to hearing that. I firmly and politely told her “NO! Absolutely NOT!” and then refused to explain why. She settled on Dragon for hers. Cabbage Patch took a tad longer to decide, at first she said Staph to which I giggled and said what a great name it was (What? My gerbils are Bubonic Plague and Hanta Virus – it fits!), then she said Scrap and finally she came up with Spike.

Sooooo… Kosher Gerbil day was a success. Dragon and Spike are settled in well and the offspring think I ROCK! Until their dad gives them something EVEN BETTER for that other gift giving holiday… you know, that one that involves the tree and the reindeer and that fat guy in a red suit and that baby and all the animals and stuff. I don’t get it, sounds like something inappropriate that people would have to pay money to attend. Whatever, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Happy Chanukah!

When the day starts with a puking child. That was yesterday for me. K and I split sick kid duty. I went to work and he called in for the morning. I intended to blog about Bast’s party and post the ever so amazing photos from said party, but when I got home I was a bit preoccupied with a feverish child.

Later that night it was time for more LATKES! I made another batch of fabulous potato latkes for dinner and then attempted to make apple latkes. The potato latkes were fabulous yet again, but the apple latkes… well not so much, in fact they weren’t even fit for human consumption… maybe not even animal consumption. No worries, they are tied up tight in a garbage bag. *sigh* I think I’m done making latkes for the year, I MIGHT make donuts, but who knows, I’m kind of tired of frying things. This might be the night of Lays potato chips and Krispy Kreame donuts. Rah, rah, the festival of oil.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Weekend of Activities

Ya know, one of the main reasons I quit working weekends was so that I could sleep in! Well whatever. Now that both of the Tiny Terrorists are in Girl Scouts (Daisy Scouts and Brownies) I have yet to have just a weekend to sleep until noon. Not that I did that during the weekend when I was home, but hey I can dream.

This past weekend was FULL of activities. Super Girl went to the ballet with her troop and Cabbage Patch toured the Fire Station with her troop. Lucky for me, I organized the fire station tour so I HAD to go. Honestly it had NOTHING to do with me wanting to oogle hot firefighters. Well maybe just a little, but it WAS really for the kids.

Sadly only two girls showed up (including my progeny), but that meant we got a very personal tour with the three firefighters. (NOT like THAT, there were children there! – Though I wouldn’t mind that kind of tour just for ME. “Oh Mr. Fireman! Have I got a fire for you to put out.”)

The girls completely enjoyed the tour and got to climb on the fire trucks and ring the bells. I completely enjoyed the tour though I didn’t get to climb on any firefighters or ring their bells. I did however take many, many photos to *ahem* document the tour (i.e. I got to take photos of the hot firefighter for masturbation material and pretend it was totally innocent) – yes I know I’m a total DORK, I even wore my DORK shirt that day.

Sadly the fire station was a one story building so there was no POLE to slide down, and no occasion to make cheesy jokes about said fire pole. There also was no Dalmatian. Two stereo types ruined in one afternoon. But firefighters do wear red suspenders… on their fire thingy outfits. And they are hot. Well one was hot, the other two had wedding rings so that kind of turned the HOTNESS factor off for them. They were still cute, but I wanted to practice mouth to mouth with the single one. I may have to stalk him. Maybe just set fires and hope he shows up (KIDDING! KIDDING! I shall just lick his photo often and consider driving by before engaging in masterbatory pleasures).

22. Have you had sex while at faire or in the campground of faire? Why? Have you HEARD something? Was your tent next to mine? I'll try to keep it down from now on… NOT that I'd ever do that anyway.

23. How many times? Why? Have you HEARD something again? Well if your tent was NEXT to mine then you could have just kept count now couldn't you?

24. Do you sew your own clothes? Actually I have a herd of beautiful tiny faries who sew garb for me at night as I sleep. Sadly they tend to procrastinate only sew right before faire.

25. What does a Faire Scotsman wear under his kilt? And what makes you think I've ever investigated THAT? I'm royalty after all – I get others to do that for me… then let me know if it's worth my time. ;)

26. What is the most embarrassing thing that has happened to you at faire? IN faire… ummm… I'd rather just forget that. In CAMP, well – I really am just one embarrassing moment just waiting to happen at any time, just add alcohol.

27. Do you have a favorite show? Sound & Fury, Ded Bob, Iris & Rose

28. What is your favorite faire food that you eat at a faire? Fried Macaroni and cheese

29. Do you wear period underwear? Um… did you just ask me about my undies??

30. Do you camp or hotel when attend out of town faires? I love to camp… as long as I have access to a SHOWER. The parties in the camp grounds ROCK!

31. Have you ever lost your shoe or shoes while walking around faire? Not so far.

32. Have you ever been assaulted by the alcohol-impaired while attending? Who hasn't???

33. Head gear: Tiara, feathers, something fabulous

34. Have you ever been picked to be in a show? No

35. Who gave you your faire name? Fate – The lovely and eloquent Queen Mystic gave it to me. I've always been Judypooh, it's a combination of what people called me while growing up. No Pooh is not my real last name, nor is Judypooh what's on my birth certificate.

36. Have you ever met a special someone at faire? Depends on what you mean – as far as a Special Someone as in romantic interest – not so much, Special Someone as in Wonderful Friend and Long Lost Sibling Type Person – Yes.

37. Does your spouse or significant other attend faire with you? My Gay Husband attends faire sometimes. It makes life interesting. (Just wait until he convinces his boyfriend to attend too!)

38. Can you fit into a porta-potty while in garb or do you have to remove some pieces before stepping in? EWWWWWWW! I avoide port-potties at all cost.

39. Do you speak with an accent or stay in character when mingling with the mundanes? Not so much.

40. Invent one question on your own and ask your six tagged pals.

Have you ever seen a accident at the faire when one of the mundanes was hurt by a reinnes carelessness? nope

Ok... my question for you.... If you could add one thing to TRF (not change... add) what would you add? I don't know, I haven't explored TRF enough to make that call.

What's your most cherished faire memory?PS I tag no one... feel free to pretend I tag you if you like ;)

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Blood Spilled At The Target

Last Friday on the way home from picking up K we stopped off at the Super Target to pick up a few things for K’s trip to Colorado. I parked and people started getting out of the car, then my ever so graceful offspring Super Girl proceeded to slam her finger in the car door. Oh great. There was crying. And there was blood. There was one 7 year old little girl screaming “It’s BLEEDING! It’s BLEEDING!” and then there was me. The mom. I told my wee person to CALM DOWN NOW, and surprisingly she did as K followed my directions to find a paper towel in the car. (at this point some nosy old lady in the parking lot started asking if we needed help – I think just trying to see what was going on really – and I told her firmly no, that I was handling my business). Since the screaming had stopped, we headed to the Super Target where in I asked the security guard where the snack bar was so I could get a cup of ice for Super Girl to stick her finger in, then we headed to the bathroom for clean up and assessment. Things looked okay except for the cut on her finger which extended all the way across her fingernail. Ew.

When we came out of the restroom to meet up with K and Cabbage Patch, the helpful security guard was there asking if anything happened in the parking lot that he should know about and then he said something about someone having been bit by a dog earlier. Um, no, just a car door.

I made Super Girl keep her finger in the cup of ice as we shopped – she got a bag of Gummi Bears to help her healing and for pain management (hey, Mary Poppins said a spoonful of sugar helps medicine go down. I figure a bag of candy can help the pain go way for a painful injury, a whole cake for a broken limb and probably a case of Hershey bars for a dismemberment.) Things were good, she got candy and she knew she’d get band aids too.

Later I pointed out to K that this was the second of our two progeny to have their fingers injured and bleeding on a shopping trip involving him being on watch. He denied such charges and said he did not cause the injuries in question. I asserted that though he had not in fact injured either of the beings that I had nurtured in my body for 9 months and birthed, he was in fact in the vicinity when both of them bloodied their tiny fingers therefore it is his fault. He conceded that I was mostly right.

So boys and girls, the lesson here is that you should not shop with K! You might lose a finger!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Now How Does That Go? Specticals... Testicals... Wallet...

Due to my recent breakage of my glasses, I was forced to get some stylish new glasses. I wanted something that was funny and would stand out - sadly the didn't have any rhinstoned cats eye frames. Darn it. Now I can see and I look good doing it ;)

Thursday morning I woke to terribly cold weather and the promise that it would only get worse. After a near panic attack at the thought of driving home in sleet and ice (and a few flash backs from my 2001 spin out on ice that totaled my tiny car) I decided to stay home, drink cocoa and watch DVD’s with my offspring. Even though school wasn’t closed that day, my mental issues dictated that they get a day off. I figured it was better than me envisioning their school bus sliding off the highway on the way home, crashing into a recently overturned semi carrying gasoline and bursting into flames. PTSD is fun! (Therapy isn’t for me folks – I prefer to live in denial and develop additions to deal with my issues.)

Now before you start calling me a pussy for not driving in that weather or saying that the roads weren’t that bad, take into consideration that all except maybe 5 years of my life have been spent in the non snowing Southern areas. Hell I was born in Louisiana, spent my formative childhood years in Southern Louisiana where the only kind of ice they regularly encounter is in a drink glass surrounded by a tasty alcoholic beverage where the only danger of slippage from is if you drink too much of the alcoholic beverage. I prefer it in my glass and not on the roads, so cut me some slack.

The highlight of that day was copious amounts of hot alcohol infused cocoa and long naps. Oh yes there was that nasty little event of my boss calling me and giving me shit for not going in which ended with me telling her that some gawddamn’d $6 an hour job isn’t worth getting caught in the weather while driving home – then hanging up on her. I’m sure it was a surprise to her that the hospital didn’t implode from my not showing up and they were completely fine with me not being there.

Friday was interesting at work, very busy, ‘nuf said.

I rushed home to get Cabbage Patch as her Daisy Scout troop was supposed to march in the local Christmas Parade. The plans changed a few times on Thursday and early Friday as to where we were supposed to meet. Originally the plan was to meet at the leaders house at 5:10 pm, then it changed to meeting ‘somewhere downtown’ as the leader might not be able to be there, to ‘we’ll meet at 5:30 pm downtown’ and finally ‘let’s meet at 5:30 pm at the Londoner in the town square.’ This seemed fairly straight forward and easy as I knew exactly where the Londoner is (I know it’s a shock, right). We left our abode at 5:20 pm as the Londoner is less than 10 minutes from my doorstep. I was feeling confident in my plan… there for it was doomed! Doomed I tell you! Anytime I feel confident in something involving directions, it’s a BAD sign.

Everything was proceeding along well until we were within 3 blocks of our destination, then I could see signs of trouble… actually signs of DETOUR! The street that the Londoner was on was being CLOSED OFF for the parade. YIKES! The ONLY way I knew to get to this damn place was being closed off and I was being diverted into foreign territory! Dear Gawd, we’d be lost forever! Not only was I being diverted, but I was being diverted onto a street full of SLOW MOVING traffic. COME ON PEOPLE! I drive a STANDARD for fucks sake! I had already endured my quota of slow moving traffic and constant clutching for one day, my damn clutch foot was threatening to CRAMP up on me. And I was starting to get BITCHY (say it isn’t so)! I told the offspring the prospects of parade marching were slim due to their mother’s horrible direction sense and someone’s stupid idea to meet in the middle of parade central RIGHT when the streets were being blocked off.

Eventually we inched out way to what looked to be a blocked off street – a DEAD END! With some official looking person standing there pointing in different directions when anyone asked him questions. I pulled my car up to him and explained the issue at hand. The man looked at me, then looked at his crumpled piece of paper in his hand and then asked me a question I should know the answer to but I don’t. It all came out in slow motion to me, just to punctuate my absolute lack of preparation and suck ass mothering skills for this area. He said “What troop number?” and I said “Uhhhhhhhh….” He said there were 4 different GS troops (some Daisy Girls, some Brownies) and he couldn’t direct me to the right place unless I knew the number. I racked my brain and got a busy signal. This sucked! First I can’t get to the Londoner now I can’t even remember the damn troop number! Fine, fine, fine. I just asked the man the easiest way OUT of the area before my head exploded and he did what he does best, he pointed me in a direction.

I told my progeny that we weren’t going to be doing this and it was nearly time to go fetch their father from work so that’s where we would be headed … or something like that, it may have been more like “Muther fuck! First I can’t get to the goddamned Londoner because all the fucking streets are blocked off and I don’t know my fucking way around a city I’ve lived in for 8 fucking years! NOW I don’t know the damned troop number. Fine. Just fuck it all! It’s to damn cold to march anyway. AND I’m going to be late to pick up K because I don’t have a goddamned clue where the hell I am! Fuck!” (Give or take a few FUCKs)

And about that time as I inched along yet another traffic packed street, the clouds parted and the angels began to sing. A celestial light shone from above, illuminating a destination up ahead. By some miracle, I RECOGNIZED WHERE WE WERE! We were right NEXT to the Londoner and we were only 7 minutes LATE! I parked the car quickly and ushered the fruit of my loins out of the car and off to stand in front of the Londoner. I saw no other little girls. We waited a few minutes. I looked around and watched for what might look like girls in the troop. Nothing. I peaked into the bar and didn’t see any tiny children (thank goodness!). I looked around and saw something frightening. A barricade! Headed for the street I was parked on! Blocking off the street in the only direction it goes! SHIT! Waiting time was over. It was 5:45 pm and I didn’t want to get stuck in the town square with the Tiny Terrorist until 8 pm making K wait at work that whole time. Oh no. not going to happen. I told them the marching wasn’t happening and we had to go NOW! I practically threw the Tiny Terrorists into the car and leapt into the car the whole while Super Girl is BAWLING about not being able to see sister march in the parade. Cabbage Patch on the other hand doesn’t give two shits and is talking to the birds outside. WTF?

We escape the square just as the barricade is being shoved across the street. Of course NOW I’m DETOURED AGAIN. And once again I’m fucking lost. We drive around aimlessly until Super Girl (who has since regained her composure) says “Oh I know where we are!” to which I reply “bullshit.” And continue to drive thinking I kind of know where I am. Very quickly I’m fucking lost and not sure I’m even still in Texas. We come to a place where I have to turn either left or right and I ask Super Girl which way she thinks we should go. Against my better judgment I go the way she directs, to which she says “I know where we are.” Much to my fucking surprise, she actually does – proving that she has inherited her directional genetics from her father. She recognized the farm that we went to ONCE for a boring political picnic! But… that victory was fleeting. A few more turns and I had no clue where we were once again. Lost in suburbia.

Just as I was losing my will to go on, the clouds parted, angels sang and all that happy crap. I took a turn on a whim and wouldn’t you fucking know it, I was back on the street I live on! Right by the damned lake! Unbelievable, I found my way home and didn’t even need to call anyone for assistance.

I leave you with this for now… I know… long winded. Sorry. That’s me. I’m hopped up on the coffee and sugar! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Vehicular Rape

Now before I start in on this sordid little tale, I need to state that I am not DEAD. I’m sorry to all of you who are bored at work and have had to resort to actual WORK to alleviate the boredom for the 30 seconds that it takes to read my insane ramblings. I’ve let you down and for that I am sorry. BUT! I have a good reason and THAT I’ll save for another blog. (Actually SEVERAL good reasons and none of them are my offspring…except the ones from last week; those involve the Tiny Terrorists and their near death experience – near death that would have been brought on my none other than ME). Another day, all in good time, yadda, yadda, yadda. I’ll just write about this one incident now. It’s been said that when I post many times in one day that there are those who can’t keep up and can’t read it all and there fore miss things (which to be honest, really isn’t important ) – kind of like talking to me in person after I’ve eaten *heavenly music starts and choir of angels sing* CUPCAKES! *sigh* Nothing like a sugar buzz. But I digress, I promise to write about the other things that have happened if for no other reason to fill this space with brain numbing ramblings born from my insane hyper squirrel brain. Really, I promise. Mostly. Well I promise to write about something, I may forget some of the incidents and choose to actually just make crap up and match them to random photos on my camera (must tell about accidentally wiping the 1500 or so photos off my camera – it was absolute brilliance) or possibly just ignore everything and write about new stuff.

ANYWAY! I was the victim of vehicular rape… or rather, Easy Bake Oven was. Please, sit if you aren’t. The tale is ugly, have some coffee or cocoa. Comfee now? Good.

It all started as a fairly normal day a couple of weeks ago. Me trying to force the Little People to get ready for school and leave on time in a CHEERFULL and HAPPY mood. It involves lots of yelling and whining and this fabulous day it meant that I was running late. Because one of my important (and unpaid jobs) is to be the CHAUFER of mi familia (life sucks with one car) I dropped K off at work and headed off to my work. I take the service road of the toll road to get to work and this fateful day was no different except that I was about 20 minutes late. I come to a stop light after a toll exit where people are trying to crowd over to the far right lane to make their turns. As I approach there are two trucks acting like they are going to get into the lane I’m in (middle lane), neither one have their turn signal on and they are both pretty far from the actual exit. I pull forward just past the front of the back truck (shiny new white Cadillac Escalade) and leave enough room for the front truck to get in when the light changes. This light is so damn long it’s just painful at times (that whole clutch thing). As I’m sitting there singing badly in my car I look over at the Escalade and the driver is looking at me then he inches his SUV forward just a touch in the universal “I want in that lane” move, so I pull my car all the way up to the bumper of the front truck in the universal “Oh hell no you aren’t” move. I look back over and see him looking at me, so I figure he got the message and I go back to the Journey lyrics at hand while waiting for the light to change. The light changes and I go forward, the first truck goes forward, and the SUV goes sideways – to the right. I’m looking in horror as this big monstrosity pushes my side mirror back as it comes side to side with The Easy Bake. The fucker in the Escalade didn’t even stop until I started honking my horn! Then he just pulled back into his lane and turned on his left turn signal. The light has changed and he’s sitting at the light right next to me now, he doesn’t even acknowledge me as I shower him with some of my most colorful and inventive insulting swearwords. The light changes and he just fucking turns! He doesn’t even attempt to stop! Fucker! Ahhh but karma is a bitch you know, I see a enormous black scratch down the length of his shiny new SUV. I laugh as he turns and I drive off, knowing that a new scratch on The Easy Bake won’t even be noticed but he’ll have fun explaining that one to his wife. BUT WAIT! There’s more!

I’m still pissed but pleased that karma has done her own part of balancing things. I call K to tell him that the side mirror – the ONLY SIDE MIRROR on the car – is now bent back for which I am seriously pissed. K has all the joys of listening to me speak sentences comprised entirely of swear words. (It’s a gift) While driving I realize that I fucking need my side mirror and since it isn’t shattered, just bent back, maybe I can get it back into position. So I start messing with it at each stop light – K is still on the phone with me as I continue to cuss about the mirror when suddenly it snaps back into place! Right back into place! Of course it also caught my thumb in the process. So now I’m cussing in earnest because it FUCKING HURT! And I’m trying not to bleed on my work clothes while driving. It was fun. I finally let K off the phone when I stopped seeing stars and found something disposable to bleed on in the car. It’s all good.

SOOOOOOOOOOOO what’s the message from this fun story kiddies? Don’t play chicken with a piece of shit car, chances are they don’t have jack to lose. I think Mr. Dickhole in the Escalade learned that. Oh and the best part was that when I got to work, I saw white paint on my car (the whole damn length of it) but it wiped right off with my paper towel. As for me, my thumb is still sporting a nasty bruise but the icky cut is no longer looking disgusting, inflamed and somewhat like zombie flesh.

Okay kids that’s enough bed time stories for now, go brush your teeth and use the potty. Shoo, shoo, off to bed with ya.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

CSI is Quality Children’s Programming

My offspring love CSI. It’s maybe a wee bit frightening at times. Last night at dinner with the Little People and La Seg was one of those moments. We ordered sopapias after our delightful Mexican dinner. They brought the Little People sopapias shaped like people. I, like any good mother, make a comment about how it looks like they are doing an autopsy when they cut it with a knife. Cabbage Patched proceeded to drown hers in honey and gleefully stab it with her knife and fork saying that it looked like blood. La Seg didn’t seem to appreciate the Sesame Street version of an autopsy as much as I did. Though when suggested that they actually looked like voodoo dolls she thought that was great. It is. Everyone should go to El Fenix and get the people shaped voodoo sopapias. I wish I had thought of that first!

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Had A Bad Day...

Or 3... 4... maybe 5. Gawd my life has been busy and not always in a good way. First off, I'm n0t DEAD so stop calling asking when my funeral will be. Now let me tell you about last week. It started off as a fairly normal week. But this Monday was no ordinary Monday, it was a Monday that marked the beginning of a BAD WEEK. Monday my youngest offspring brought home her report card. My adorable progeny's report card was an utter and complete shock and disapointment. The child is FAILING kindergarten! How does one FAIL at coloring, eating glue and singing A,B, C's??? I still don't have an answer for that but my offspring is doing it. Yay her. Grr... Tuesday came the following day, as it generally does. Tuesday decided to follow in Monday's footsteps and suck also. The highlight of THAT day was ME slipping in the shower and falling. Woohoo! Exciting I know. I wish I could say that I knocked myself out at that point and the rest of the week was just a bad dream, but it WASN'T all I did was give myself a few delightful bruises. Wednesday was by the BEST and MOST EXCITING of all days (and I mean that in an entirely sarcastic way). Wednesday was a beautifully rainy day. Wednesday is karaoke night and as usually I left to go hang out with friends. The Easy Bake Oven had other things in mind though. Barely a block from casa de Karmically Challenge I hit the curb... HARD... twice thanks to the wet streets. I bent some arm thingie and a joint thingie (according to the ever so hot mechanic) and my rim. Back home I go to inform K of my idiotic move and to discuss options. Thursday was nothing in compairison to Wednesday but it felt the need to keep with the BAD WEEK theme. I was home waiting for the tow truck to fetch The Easy Bake and take it to the shop. Just past 8 am as I start calling the shop, the Tiny Terrorists bust in the door. Seems they had been screwing around playing with a friend and MISSED the fucking bus. Fabulous. I was so pissed off... and in NO mood for this. Super Girl wanted me to call and have the bus come back to get them, I informed her that wasn't going to happen and they were in NO way going to STAY HOME with me (because I didn't have enough duct tape to make it through the day). We were going to WALK to school. We walked the 2.2 miles to school. I figured if nothing else it would give me time to cool off, some exercise and give them a really GOOD lesson in why it's a damn good idea to get ON the bus every morning (if not the walk then the half hour of me bitching at them). Friday wasn't great but I guess that by Thursday the BAD WEEK had run out of steam and was just kind of phoning it in at that point. I got D to take me to work, then later to take me to the parent teacher conferences. They went fine, Super Girl is doing fabulous, Cabbage Patch's teacher is hopeful that she'll catch up and even if she doesn't she said there always summer school. Sheesh. How lame is that to have to take Summer School for kindergarten? Only my kid. (and she was the breast fed one! WTF? Isn't that supposed to make the SMARTER???) The worst thing about Friday was that The Easy Bake wasn't fixed and wasn't likely to be fixed until Monday. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... I didn't go to TRF. I just couldn't get it together mentally to go. The estimate on the car repairs was over $700, it just seemed crazy to spend any extra when the repairs were going to take a huge bite out of my ass financially. And the guilt, oh the guilt I would have felt for having fun while my car was ill. It would have taken much booze to aleviate the guilt. I decided it was much better for me to just stay home and sulk as I'm wont to do. I was completly mental that weekend, Prozac should have been piped into my house. I really did consider talking to my doctor on Monday about getting back on Zoloft, but I was totally sane (mostly) by Monday and didn't mention my mental state when I saw the Dr. How fabulous is that? Saturday spent painting my toenails black and writing morose poetry by Monday completly manic crazy squirrell. How does anyone manage to spend any time around me? I'm a complete loon! No really I must be (Ask me about my drive home from the wedding on Tuesday, my phone calls and how those on the recieving end all asked if I was DRUNK - which I was NOT.)

Okay, I have to go work. Enjoy the update and don't hate me for taking so long to do it... that might just push me over the edge to either a hefty perscription of Prozac or a hefty round of ammo, high powered rifel and clock tower.

Damn I'm busy. It's insane. No really it is and not that cool kind of FUN crazy but not the kind of crazy they lock you up and forget what cell you are in crazy either. I'm getting ready to head off to finish preps for the baby shower for La Seg. Shall be fun, and best of all... There will be CAKE there! I see love in my future. ;)

So sorry for not doing the TRF update as of yet, but time has been scarce and the TRF report deserves my full attention. Enjoy this one photo from TRF Pirate Weekend. Apparently it's the ONLY photo in existance from that weekend where I dont' look like a big redheaded ghost or a HUGE DORK. What can I say, I'm such a FAG HAG I can only accessorize with gay men.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

NonCommital Thursday

WTF??? Why can't people just give me a YES or NO today? I've been in 15 rooms today and made 1 appointment!!! Only ONE person could make the life or death decision to get their baby's photo taken. *eyes rolling up in head* Honestly, what the fuck are they putting in the eppidurals lately?

Eh! Whatever! On to other kvetching...

Mystery Perscription

Either my pharmacy likes me a lot or they are trying to KILL me. Yesterday when I took my perscription I noticed that the pill in my hand was DIFFERENT than the ones in the bottle. (no I didn't take it) This morning when I went to take it I noticed YET another mystery pill (same as the other one). It's kind of frightening really. I plan to call the manager of the pharmacy when I get home. I mean, gawd, I'd hate to think I was taking my acid-blocker capsules and actually be taking a Viagra or black tar herion (what? they don't sell that at CVS? Did you ever see that SNL with Brendan Frasier as the pharmacist?) right before work!

Suck Ass Commute

I know, that isn't news, just a continued bitch. Having people call me and chat while I sit in traffic makes the time roll by eaiser. Feel free to dial my digits between 8 am and 9 am, Monday - Friday and listen to me swear at other drivers. It's fun!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do!

Dear Laundry;

I hate you. I never want to see your needy ass again! Leave! Now! Stop hanging around! I’ve tried to get rid of you before by being nice and catering to your every whim but alas it was no use. You just kept coming back. And now you are EVERYWHERE. I can’t take a fucking step without you in my face these days. I hate you. I really do. Did you hear that? I said I hate you. Why do you keep tormenting me? Why do you demand so much of my time? Why, why, why? Why do I have to keep going into your room and tending to you? Why do I have to keep gathering you up off the floor like a sad drunken girlfriend after the company Christmas party? Why is that when I give you my undivided attention, it’s still not enough – you hide things from me so I’ll never be done with you? I hate how you sometimes hide under my bed or behind the bathroom door. It’s creepy! Stop it! Just stay in your room and stop getting larger – you frighten me. Leave me alone.

With Much Fabric Softener;Judy

Dear Chocolate;

I thought I told you to leave my house? Why must you torment me with your sweetness? No, no wait… don’t go! You know I love you! I know you are bad for me, but I can’t help loving you. You’ve been there for me. Like when Laundry has tormented me day and night, it’s always you who cheers me up. Some people don’t understand our love so I must ask you to leave and stay away for a long time because you are so bad for me (just look at the size of my ass! That’s your fault you know!). Not forever, you know I can’t have that – I’m weak after all, just leave for now… Leave tomorrow… or maybe the next day… by the end of the week for sure. I just need some space (for my ever growing ass) and some time to find myself (and a way to fit my butt back into my pants) just for a little while. I promise it’s just temporary. I wish I knew how to quit you. Don’t hate me, just go before I make you stay.

With much sadness and many cravings;Judy

Yeah I know what you are thinking… I’m thinking that too… I really should get laid more often.

*ps, I know I promised to write about TRF, I know, I know… I’ve been busy so fuck off.

Every damn morning I drive into work and listen to the radio (JACK because there are no DJ’s to ruin my morning and suck out the last bit of my working brain cells with their vapid conversation) I hear a fucking Bruce Springsteen song. I dislike his songs so very much I’d happily kick him in the nuts if I ever did see him. I despised his songs when he WAS popular (come on, he sounds like he’s badly constipated in every song he sings. Someone give that man some ExLax!), I hated his stupid sleeveless plaid shirts and bandana combo and I thought he was just one ugly mutha-fucka. My opinion is the same. I wonder what I’ve done in life that has caused me to suffer such karmic punishment as to hear his constipated voice ever damn morning on my drive in.

Enough about my unnatural aversion to The Boss, on to other disturbing things. Today is the third day in a row that my offspring have been HOME. Yes THREE DAYS IN A FUCKING ROW! I think everyone on the school board needs to be kicked in the crotch. Why are my Tiny Terrorists out of school you may be asking? My immediate answer is “To drive me insane!” but that would only be half true, seems these days are teacher inservice days because of it’s the end of the first 9 week grading period. Friday was set aside for parent teacher conferences, Monday was deemed ‘Fair Day’ (how lucky for everyone that it was raining!) and today is just another day to make parental units wish for more alcohol. Oh and I’m wishing! Because I’m completely disorganized I didn’t realize my offspring were out of school for three days until Thursday of last week. Fabulous. I had to scramble for a sitter for Friday because that’s my busiest day of the week. Parent teacher conference day was Friday which I KNEW about but didn’t realize the offspring would be out of school so I didn’t write a note asking to reschedule as I thought I could do that on Thursday (actually I HAD written a note a week earlier saying that I had to work and was wondering if we could do the conference over the phone to which Cabbage Patch’s teacher said NO that she only wanted to do it in person and Super Girl’s teacher never responded). So whatever, I totally suck at this PARENT stuff at the moment. Suffice to say, I suck at the moment and so does the school, so we are even.

Moving on… Yesterday was a day of SHOPPING. I bought an obscene amount of clothing for an insanely low price. I’m still pinching myself because I can’t believe I got an amazingly fabulous evening gown for $30 (the original tag was $160). All the merchandise in the store is probably hot, but who cares! I got the dress for $30!!!

Okay, must go. Have to shower and get ready to lunch with Shana to discuss baby shower plans.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Won't YOU Take Me To Funky Town?

Good lord, I'm completly in a funk today - I wonder if it has something to do with the hours and hours of Muppets that have been playing at casa de Karmically Challenged. I'm starting to identify with the cranky old men in balcony. Who knows, maybe I'm just dehydrated, a nice cool beverage might perk me up... if it was mostly Vodka that is.

I'm just being random now... Deal with it.

Because I believe in truth in advertising.And wearing a shirt that says "Look At My Tits!" just seems lame.

Recognition is great. Nothing like calling someone and when they ask who it is to say "It's that crazy bitch from Dallas!" and have them reply "Judy! How are you?"

Last week while driving to work and suffering through morning radio, I caught a small portion of some crap on a morning radio station. Some woman had called in because she believed her husband was cheating with a neighbor because he sent her some rose bulbs and a free magazine subscription. The radio DJ's got the man on the phone to 'bust' him and from what I gathered, they did. Or whatever. It was actually kind of stupid so I just kept listening because I could not believe it was actually happening. First off if you believe your spouse is cheating on you WHY the fuck would you try to bust them on a morning radio program? Honestly, WHY? That's just lacking class. Just go to the divorce lawyer if you can't trust them.

Purple popsicles suck. WHy do they even put them in the box of popsicles? I must have 20 purple popsicles in my freezer and no one wants to eat the damn things.

Okay... I need to take the Muppets DVD out and put it away for a long long time. They are having hillbilly muppets doing a song "I'm My Own Grampa" which is disturbing because it makes me think of my family in Arkansas.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

National Can’t Finish A Fucking Thing Month

What? What’s that you say? There is no such thing? Are you sure? Because I’m not totally convinced of that. I can’t seem to get shit done. Sadly I started celebrating this month early. I missed my dr. appointment the middle of last week because my voice mail is possessed by demons and didn’t show any messages on my phone until Sunday when it showed 10 and by then I had already missed the reminder for my doctors appointment. I must have a doctor that had reminder calls or I’ll never EVER make it to an appointment. I’ll have a vague recollection that I was supposed to see someone about a something on some day but then I’ll just forget to call and ask anyone about what I could possibly have needed. That’s what happened. I knew I needed to see this dr for a stupid follow up to say “Yeah, these pills work!” and then have her renew my prescription for a year. Why can’t I just call it in? So whatever. But now I know that I missed the appointment and it’s practically Friday and I haven’t called to rescheduled.

What else? Oh yeah, the three other blog posts that I’ve started and haven’t finished. All this BLOG stuff is still cramming my tiny little brain and I just haven’t gotten the blogs out to clear up the space. Damn it. It’s like having 10 midgets in a clown car up there. Never mind. Don’t try to think that one through.

I have countless other things I need to get done and people to see but fuck it if I can get to that either. I have two dresses to finish for myself, two fairy costumes to finish and a pile of sewing that I must complete soon and fuck me if I’m not sitting here in front of the computer. And let’s not even think about the house cleaning!

This whole working Monday through Friday is really messing with cleaning. Not that I’m even a half assed house keeper, but damn the little bit I did do is now not getting done very well. I need a maid… or a slave. Don’t care as long as they clean.

Fuck. I need to go do some laundry or I’ll be headed to work commando tomorrow.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Tonight I Guaranteed My Spot In Hell

I colored Coco pink. Yes I really did color her pink. I wanted to do her bright hot pink but I first had to see if D would have a complete coronary when I did this. She’s cool with it, there were no death threats.

My tub is completely covered in pink dog hair. It looks like a herd of pink cats hacked up hair balls in my tub. Really special.

I’m getting used to this driving into work thing. I’m spending much less of my morning commute time plotting random drivers painful deaths and more time just day dreaming and switching radio stations. In all this, I’ve discovered there is ONE thing that I TRULY enjoy. Parking my car! I know that sounds stupid, but it’s true. Why you may be asking? Because there are several people on the parking lot who are inconsiderate assholes when they park. Free parking is at a premium. SOME people feel the need to park over the lines and take up two spaces. This I find completely unacceptable, how freaking hard is it to PARK correctly??? Fine whatever, it now brings me great pleasure when I spy these people as I squeeze The Easy Bake Oven in that tiny little space next to them. It’s not like I’m worried about getting my car door dinged – how would I even notice??? Last week I parked next to the SAME offending car twice in a row – one day it was really tight as the cars on BOTH sides of me had parked with their tires just over the line. Oddly enough both cars have been parked right in the middle of the parking spaces from then on. Does that make me an asshole for doing that? Probably, but honestly no more of an asshole than they are for taking up two of the best parking spaces in the lot (shady spots). Besides it brings me much mirth.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Reports Of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exagerated

Mostly anyway. I'm still alive, still working, just was offline from Friday until Monday evening so the BLOG suffered. So much to blog about! A fantastic trip to a FARM! A FABULOUS Mardi Gras party and a completly lazy Sunday! Woohoo! But it's 10:30 pm now and it has taken me an hour to upload photos. SOOOOOO I'll just leave you with these amazing photos from the Party and MAYBE I'll elaborate about them tomorrow.

One funny thing that did happen at the party was when I ran into a couple who obviously KNEW me but I had no fucking clue who the woman was, I started to figure out who the man was and thought maybe this was his NEW wife and wonder why the fuck she was talkign to me like she knew me and then the wife said "YOu don't know who I am do you?" and since I was drunk, I could not tell a lie and said NO! She said who she was and I was all "WTF? you look totally different!" and she was all "I lost like 100 poungs!" and I was all "Wow! And you went BLOND!" and well I looked like a total dumbass (as usual) but thankfully I was well into DRUNKVILLE so I didn't really care.

Okay, enjoy the photos of me getting progressivly drunker. I told K to cut me off at 8 (the last time I hit 10 I blacked out and spewed in a car) but he kept kept them coming until I hit 10 (no spewing or blacking out) but the last 2 photos of the night are WAY WAY scary.

Hooking on Burbon St.

I wasn't even drunk yet!

I like my drinks like I like my men... BIG and alchoholic... umm... well just half of that.

K likes his drinks like he likes his men... BIG and with a straw in them... um... forget that... I'm trying to.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Morning Commute and How YOU Can Make It Better For ME

I’ve come to realize that I really, really HATE my morning commute. I know, I know, you ALL hate your morning commute. Mine is REALLY LONG, in the Easy Bake Oven so sans AC and with standard transmission and a crappy radio. So it’s really FABULOUS. Nothing like sitting through three stop lights with your foot on the clutch while your leg muscles threaten to go into convulsions and your toes cramp up. Add in the fact that morning radio is utter SHIT and I only have a cassette tape player in the car. Yes, yes, I know, I’m truly lucky to have a vintage radio in my car and for that I should appreciate it, but you see, I don’t have any really GREAT music to play when the radio SUCKS (which is every time one of the DJ’s opens their mouths). As hard as it is to believe, I am LACKING in a truly bitchin’ music library on cassette tape. Sadly I stop purchasing cassettes when I chose to join the rest of the population and move ahead with technology and purchase CDs. Now, I’m in a sad predicament of having to listen to utter crap in the mornings. I’m sure someone out there has to have an impressive cassette tape collection. I’m quiet certain that someone would be more than willing to earn MANY, MANY good karma points by sending me some choice albums on cassette. You know you love me and you want to do this.

As I was driving this morning… wait, let me rephrase that – as I was waiting to crawl through a stop light, I caught sight of the car behind me in my rear view mirror (hey, I had to do SOMETHING other than plot people’s deaths). There on the dash was the most amazing thing ever. HELLO KITTY! The car behind me had a HELLO KITTY bobble head doll. The only thing keeping me from jumping out of my car and running back to that car to snatch HELLO KITTY off the dash was my aching, twitching thigh muscle threatening to go into a full on cramp from holding down the clutch. Damn that clutch! I NEED that HELLO KITTY! Actually I just need several bobble head dolls on my dash to amuse me while I waste my life in traffic every morning. Just think of it, my dash could be a veritable SEA of bobbling heads! How AMAZING would that be?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Let me just answer that in one word – very. And that’s why I’ve decided that for a limited time offer YOU amazing readers can earn double karma points by sending me bobble head dolls for my dash! ANY of them, I don’t care who they are (‘cept, I really DO want HELLO KITTY) just send them on and make my commute a little less homicidal!

My commute also involves steak. Wonderful fabulous steak that I don’t get to eat. I drive RIGHT PAST Lawry’s EVERY FUCKING MORNING! And every morning about 8:30 am I’m thinking how wonderful a fabulous steak from Lawry’s would be. So here I am again offering this limited time offer, anyone who wants to earn TRIPPLE KARMA POINTS… wait… I take that back, let me rephrase that – any guy who wants to earn the BEST BLOW JOB EVER can buy me a steak dinner from Lawry’s. Come on, you know that’s a good deal – one steak dinner for a fabulous hummer! Contact me directly for this offer – there is no limit to how many times you can redeem this offer. Supplies limited, void where prohibited, must be 21 or older to ride this ride. For external use only. Wash, rinse, repeat. Not valid outside the United States unless accompanied with jewelry. Offer expires at the express arbitrary decision of Judy. Act NOW!

See? My commute is frustrating and sucky. I have however found something that DOES make it a bit more bearable. BLOGGING! No I’m not driving around with my lap top on the steering wheel (but damn, that’s a thought!). Today it struck me that with all that free time where my brain was running amuck inside my head, I should be recording it! Since I lack any cool recording devices (don’t b so surprised) I decided to just write things down on a piece of scrap paper! Woohoo! Let me tell you, that was an experience! It’s hard to stay in the lanes while writing, then I figured I’d just write during the MANY, MANY red lights I have to endure. And here is the fruits of my labor! Well mostly. Amazingly my hand writing isn’t the most legible when using the steering wheel for a desk, go figure.

And that my friends is how I spent my valuable commuting time this morning. Eventually I’ll get used to sitting in traffic as opposed to my old commute which involved me DRIVING QUICKLY.

Off to bed now, 6 am is to fucking early to have to get up, but I still have to.

Monday, September 18, 2006

The Day In Question

This evening Super Girl was telling us that today was some damn obscure holiday at school today. She kept saying a word that wasn’t a word but sounded like other words so K and I had a little fun by guessing what the word could be. This is our list of what the holidays we came up with:

Confucius Day – Dude, this actually exists – February 27th or 28th is supposed to be his b-day Confucius Contusion Day – Probably a very painful dayConcussion Day – Might not be memorableConfusion Day – I believe that’s my every day stateConfection Day – Sponsored by Weight WatchersConsideration Day – A very well planned and thought out holidayConsignment Day – Could be very profitable Conspicuous Day – I should have seen that holiday coming.Conspiracy Day – K didn’t want to include this one, but I KNOW it’s just because he doesn’t want me to enjoy it.Constipation Day – A day to celebrate fiber, LOTS of fiberConsultation Day – A good day to see the doctor for that 2nd opinionConsummation Day – Oh yeah, I’m looking forward to this holiday! I’m going to celebrate ALL day and night.Conception Day – Oddly this day usually follows Consummation day.Contraception Day – When this holiday precedes Consummation day, Conception day isn’t celebratedContagious Day – Sometimes THIS little holiday follows Consummation Day… and often requires a shot!Contaminate Day – Well if you DO need that shot then you can celebrate this day… alone… with rubber gloves on.Congratulate Day – A fine holiday to celebrate AFTER Contamination Day ends or when Conception Day has happened previously. Contemporaneous Day – I love this day (just say the word – it’s it fabulous!), though it usually happens right when one of the other days happen. (look up the fucking word!) Clitoral Day – I often write this day in several times a week – I prefer when Clitoral Day is contemporaneous with the next holiday.Cunnalingus Day – Do I need to even elaborate? Other than to say that if I made a calendar this would be celebrated QUITE OFTEN.Contortionist Day – Sometimes helpful for the previous holiday.Conflagration Day – A nice firey holiday to keep things warm.Confessional Day – Something for the CatholicsCondiment Day – Something for the hot dogsConductivity Day – Makes me want to buy copper… lots of copper.Conestoga Wagon Day – This one just screams FUN!Communist Party Day - I’ll have to send off my Lennin costume to the cleaners for that.Complimentary Offer Day – Damn I’d just be praying that Starbucks was celebrating that, then I’d drive to EVERY SINGLE Starbucks in the Dallas area. I wouldn’t sleep for 3 weeks.Concubine Day – Gives me the urge to wrap my tiny feet and drink jasmine tea.Confrontation Day – Oh this could be a fun day. I think I celebrate this most holidays with my family.Kilimanjaro Day – Dust off your climbing gear for that one.Conjecture Day – It’d just be fun to walk around all day saying things like “Ah-ha! I conjecture that since the pot is EMPTY that YOU drank the last of the coffee!” Okay.. maybe not.Congestion Day - *cough* *cough* Probably not as much fun as it sounds.Conquest Day – Oh yes, I’m making a list for this one.Conquistador Day – I just want to wear the funny hats! Condemnation Day – AKA Hell In A Hand Basket DayConifer Day – Hug your favorite pine treeCattle Prod Day – Why not? It would be fun! Especially at the store with the person who has 30 items in the 10 items or less line. You know you want to celebrate that day.Convenient Day – Just celebrate it whenever it works for youConvulsion Day – Don’t swallow your tongue though.Carnivore Day – Damn MEAT FEST day. Most guys would love this day.

Incidentally we were completely incorrect as the ‘holiday’ is the start of Constitution Week, which K assures me has something to do with History or something. I have my doubts since I can’t recall a John Wayne movie about the subject. (Hey! I’ve been eating my SMARTIES!)

There is NOTHING more fun than stalling one’s car on the toll way during morning rush hour traffic. And what makes it even better is when the car doesn’t turn over right way! Woohoo! Let me tell you, I could feel the LOVE in those few minutes until I got the car started.

So if one eats several packages of SMARTIES, will one in fact become SMARTER? If so, I certainly need to keep my pockets loaded with them so I can pass them out randomly to people who need them. “Excuse me sir, but I’m thinking you could really use this.” And if one eats SMARTIES with a carbonated drink, will it make one smart and effervescent? Or will you just end up with the burps and a sugar buzz? Must experiment.

I had to pay for parking today. PAY to park at the HOSPITAL. WTF? How crappy is it that you would have to go to the hospital for anything and then you have to pay $3 or $4 for parking on top of that. Talk about adding insult to injury. Seriously.

Over the weekend K left ALL the windows open in the car. And it RAINED. So, yeah, you get the picture. Sunday morning I sent him out to change the seat cover on the drivers side and dry out the interior before I went to work. I was ready to shove him in the trunk and leave him there the rest of the day for that. Nothing like driving to work on a rainy morning in a soggy car. (he didn’t get shoved in the trunk, who would have watched the kids if I did that??) It was FABULOUS at the end of the day getting into the car and having to dry off the windows on the inside. Grrrr… This morning was the same and after much bitching (by me) and dirty looks (from me) the window dried out so one (me) could see the road. The gloomy clouds this morning convinced me that it would rain all day so I rolled up the windows when I got to work. The sun was out when I left around 11:30 am. Because I was convinced of stormy weather I didn’t bother to put up the sun shades in the car so when I opened the door it was like opening the door to a sauna! Yeah just what anyone wants after work – driving home in a sauna. Fun stuff. The upside is that the car should be dried out since it’s stopped raining and I left the windows open… and K no longer has to fear for his life… at least on THAT issue. *casting evil glance in his direction* Lets not even talk about how MY camera got WET yesterday at the parade. Oh no, let’s just leave that one unmentioned. *stabbing pins into voodoo doll*

This past weekend was my last WEEKEND to work! Woohoo! Of course I start working weekdays TODAY and won’t get a day off until Saturday, so that kind of sucks. But that’s okay because I’ll get to SLEEP IN on Saturday! YAY!

Since this was my LAST weekend to work, I had to train my replacement. Generally weekends are only busy on Saturday and Sundays are really easy days. Not so this weekend. Saturday was So DAMN BUSY we didn’t walk out of the hospital until 5 pm and we never got more than one 15 minute break to run grab lunch.

I figured Sunday would be really nice and slow since we worked so hard on Saturday. AGAIN I was absolutely WRONG! Sunday was much busier than Saturday! It was CRAZY! AND to top that off, the manager decided she needed to observe my replacement to make sure I had trained her properly. Yay me. That meant that she was slowing us down for the entire time she was tagging along. *sigh* Luckily she didn’t stay more than a couple of hours. I was absolutely exhausted by the time I got home at 6:30 pm yesterday. It’s all good though, I had outstanding sales for the weekend. The WEEKEND WORK IS DONE THOUGH!

Hidden Stomach

The most fun I had yesterday was after I left my main hospital and headed to my secondary hospital to work (yippie…). I was sooooo ready to be done with work by then. I did the photos then grabbed my purse out of the cart and left, stopping by the restroom before I left the hospital. After washing my hands I started digging through my purse for my car keys. I couldn’t find them. I kept digging and finally took everything out of my purse. When I got down to the bottom of my purse, I could still FEEL things IN my purse – under the lining. I thought “Damn! This purse has a stomach and it’s swallowed a bunch of stuff!” I felt around in the bottom of the purse for a whole and couldn’t find one. Then I stuck my hands in the three side pockets inside the purse and again couldn’t find a hole. I was perplexed and thinking I might have to rip the bottom of the purse to get the MANY items residing inside the purse stomach. I stuck my hand in the outside pocket on the purse and still didn’t feel a hole so I went back to feeling around the bottom of the purse and thoroughly feeling the pockets. I was deeply disturbed by this point and then I finally felt it, a small whole in the outside pocket of the purse. I dug around in the purse stomach and found SEVERAL of my favorite lip glosses that I had been missing and just chalked up to the Little People as having swiped. I found other stuff, but the lip glosses was the most perplexing items as I don’t put my lip gloss in the front pocket of my purse. Actually EVERYTHING in the purse stomach was damn perplexing as I only put business cards and used Starbucks cards in that pocket and guess what? There were NONE of those in there. No matter, my KEYS were NOT something that was swallowed. (I found them back on the camera cart). I told K about the purse stomach later that night and he surmised that I did not have a purse but what I was carrying was a bag of devouring (sorry geeky gaming reference, please forgive!)

Okay! That’s all for an update for now, I must get dressed and get the hell out of dodge! Send happy profitable thoughts my way. Send me some LOVE! ;)

Friday, September 15, 2006

I tag anyone who reads this blog. Share your love of reading with another!

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Rules:

Grab a book - any book........

go to page 123........

go to the end of the fifth sentence........

and type the next three sentences into your blog, then.........

tag 5 more people!!

Book cover

I edged closer to him, and the nearer I got, the larger he became. He had the longest legs I'd ever seeen, immaculately sheathed in pleated pants. A warm stream of excitement ran through me, a buzzing current that made me want to rub up against him like a cat, or better yet, to feel thouse long legs of his gripping mine.

**************************

Sadly, that has to be the best lines in the entire book. But then again, maybe not, since I didn't read it completly due to my consuming boredom that resulted in me falling fast asleep at any attempt to read this book. Not nearly dirty enough for my tastes. The worst part is I paid $7 for the damn book and I can't even stand to look it. So full of promise of erotic delight yet so disapointing so quickly... kind of like a lot of dates I've had. Eh, whatever, don't read this book, you can find dirtier stuff on the internet. ;)

OTHER CRAP

I started painting the table top of the Little People's table. I had this fabulous idea to paint a sun and a moon on the top then laminate the damn thing so they don't completly destroy it but that may all be for naught now. The Little People want in on the action! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'm a horrible mommy on this one, because I don't want them to sully my beautiful art work. I know I should just let them go to town with the paints since it's THEIR table, but I'm completly neurotic about this - I don't like my ART WORK messed with by ANYONE. I think it goes back to when I was in kindergarten and evil children would paint on MY paintings and I'd cry. What can I say, I was an ARTIST way back then (you should have seen my penguines!). Anyway, I'm caught with the compulsion to just paint it MY way before they get home and say "Opps! Bad me! But don't you like it???" or doing the GOOD MOMMY thing and just handing them paint brushes and paints when they get home.

Final Friday

Well today is my LAST FRIDAY of being home, which means TOMORROW is my LAST SATURDAY to work! Woohoo! I'm so excited about that! It'll be like I'm a normal person! No more last minute search for someone to cover for me, no more missing weekend shit because 'I have to work', no more leaving parties early because 'I have to work tomorrow' and BEST of all - NO MORE MISSING FAIRE for work!

Okay off to either drink a bunch of coffee or to take a 3 hour nap on the couch... hmmm what to do with my last Friday off??? What would YOU do? (other than masturbate 5 or 6 times - I've already done that)

Thursday, September 14, 2006

I LOVE ZOMBIES ON MY HEAD!

I told you I was making a hat. Here is my prototype. It's a ZOMBIE!

Empty HeadSee my boreing head? It does look like it might be hiding some tasty brains though. (oh and what a great hair day I was having tonight! And a good boob day also - that's so damn RARE! At least I have photographic proof.)

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I Like My Coffe With A Little Sugar and Crazy!

Yup, I'm still on the crazy side. It's a refreshing change from the usual morbid, morose, homicidal mood. Sadly, I know it's only temporary, though waking up a little insane every day would be entertaining. Now I know why Charles Manson does it every day.

Since it's temporary I wonder if I could get away with shit - say rob the WalMart of all the childen's chewable vitamins (the orange ones taste the best!) and just say it's because I was temporarily insane? "Sorry officer, I really didn't mean to KILL her persay, but I did warn everyone I was insane on the day in question. Read the blog, I posted it bright and early, he really should have known better than to withhold Krispe Kream's from a crazy fat chick. Can I go now?"

*wait! Be right back! The laundry calleth! Or maybe that was the Alien's pageing me on the intercom? Whatever, I must take care of this and be back in a moment. Hold that thought!*

*Back now, had a lively discussion with the Aliens who paged me. Funny thing is that I realized we don't have an intercom here and that buzz was in fact the dryer. I had been talking to the dryer vent the whole time and the voices in my head were answering! Don't you hate it when that happens??*

Yeah, so as I was saying, I'm going to make some HATS! Fun hats! But I can't tell you what they'll look like because I know you'd try to steal my most fabulous (and probably profitable) ideas like you did when I told you about that dress, and then you showed up at the party with the EXACT same dress (except yours was purple, and had sleeves and didn't look at all like a McDonald's bag like mine did)? Yeah well I remember and I just won't tell now. So don't ask. But you'll be jealous that you didn't think of it first. You are the one who decided to be sane today though.

I'm a little crazy today. Not sure why, I just am... so you've been warned. What does that mean? Well other than I'll probably walk around all day mumbling things to myself and randomly shove pages from my manifesto into strangers hands as they walk past me trying not to make eye contact, it means NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL! Oh yeah, it does mean that I won't be spell checking a damn thing I write today - so expect bad spelling and bad grammar because the voices in my head say so.

So on that note, I've decided to post some random photos. Enjoy the madness and have a cup of coffee before you go.*These are OLD photos I'm posting, nothing new... OLD. The cat hasn't been shaved recently... she prefers Nair these days.*

Keep It Safe, Keep It Wrapped!I saw that slogan one time. It seemed reasonable, until I tried to wrap my couch in plastic wrap... good plan in theory.

Shaved PussyMaybe I should have waxed...

Lookin' Sexay!Ahhh you can feel the hate from here.

My Pussy Is Cuter Than YoursTruth hurts, deal with it.Crazy PussyOh yeah baby!Ahhhhh! She turned into an EGG!

Happy Toast! Fuck you toast! No one should be that happy in the morning!

Ahhhh My True Love... CAKE!Ahhhh... The first cake I ever wanted to have a serious relationship with. I love you cake, you gave me so much pleasure... and such an amazing sugar rush.

Other STUFF!

On another note, I'm completly a week off for some fucked up reason. Twice in as many days I've been reminded by someone that the event I was discussing was not for another WEEK. Hmmm... odd... I think it's some kind of a space time continuium issue. Someone has shifted my reality back a week. Fuckers!

On a GOOD note, I did find my keys that have been missing for the past 2 months! I won't say WHERE I found them, because I'd have to actually ADMIT that I lost them and not anyone else - which just could NOT be true because we all know it was someone ELSE who lost them. Oddly they showed up deep in the bowels of my purse where I'm certain that they were recently hidden by someone ELSE who isn't me. Luckily they are here.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

WORK Changes!

I filled in for someone yesterday and worked (very briefly). It was certainly an experience to have to get myself ready and the kids ready so we could all get the hell out the door in a timely manner. What fun.

I spoke to my manager yesterday and she told me that I very well may be starting to work weekdays starting this coming Monday. AND even better – it would be at a hospital I worked about 4 years ago and loved very much. This weekend I will be training my replacement for my current hospital so that’s a done deal – the WEEKENDS OF WORKING ARE COMING TO AN END!!! Ahhhhh sleeping in on a Saturday! What could suck is that if the current person working my soon to be hospital takes the news of being moved from this hospital badly and decides to quit on Wednesday, I may end up working Thursday and Friday there, then Saturday and Sunday at my current hospital and start back to the new hospital on Monday without a break until the weekend. Which will make for a really FABULOUS check but a REALLY BITCHY Judy.

Eh, not going to worry about that – must call the school and set up before and after school care for the Tiny Terrorists. I’m so excited!

I’m currently on the edge of either being really, really happy or falling into a pit of despair and depression. It sucks really. I’m not so good with all the touchy-feely emotional relationship stuff. Sex, that I’m good at. The emotional stuff makes me all uncomfortable and nauseous. I don’t like that feeling of not being in control of my feelings but here I am, crazy about someone and completely uncertain about how they feel. I hate this. I mean I really DO enjoy the wonderful, giddy feeling when I hear from this person. I love how flower petals fall from the sky and the tiny little cartoon birds show up to sing. Then of course there’s that crazy roller coaster feeling in my stomach when I think of this person, that’s kind of cool for a bit but then I feel like I need to vomit.

See? I suck at this emotional crap. I don’t totally trust my instincts on this either because the last couple of guys have turned out to be asshats and completely disregarded my feelings then left me crushed and hurt. This person isn’t as asshat at all, I just don’t know what he’s thinking or where this will go and well that’s making me crazy. Eh, who knows, maybe it’s just casual sex. I’m insane.

So yeah, I’m either going to be running through a field of flowers or constructing voodoo dolls and writing morose poetry very soon. Though maybe I should just stock up on condoms and decide that casual sex is the way to go. We’ll see.

*Dear sweet Internet, I’m not looking for advice or suggestions and I’m not going to tell you who this is about either, I’m just venting.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Picking Up Men While Driving

(I wrote this long post earlier but Blogger fucking ATE it! BASTARD!)

Anyone who's known me for any length of time already knows of my incredible ability to get lost going ANYWHERE. I have the most acute sense of misdirection possible. Because of this I ALWAYS need a detailed set of instructions to anywhere I am going (and a detailed and accurate map, as well as phone numbers, GPS, homing device, etc. etc.)

Last night was Crystal's party. Crystal just moved to a lovely house in Lewisville. After mapquesting the directions, I discovered it was pretty straight forward (so I thought) and I'd have to drive 121. I was under a false sense of confidence in finding her house as I used to see a guy who lived in Lewisville so I drove out 121 about once a week for 2 and a half years. Ahhhh, well I stopped seeing that guy a couple of years ago and since then there has been CONSTRUCTION for the freaking toll project. So hey, guess what? It LOOKS DIFFERENT! Wow, what a freaking surprise it was for me to realize that things had CHANGED in the past couple of years with the construction and all and NOW I had NO FREAKING CLUE where I was for the most part. Yeah, good.

I clutched my directions in my hand and took the first MAIN street that I came to. After driving a mile or so, I was fairly confident that just MIGHT be more than ONE MAIN street in the Dallas area and that I had turned on the wrong one. So I popped a u-turn and headed back towards 121 to continue getting LOST and move on to HOPELESSLY LOST. At the first stop light this white truck pulled up beside me and the frat boy driving yelled over to me. I looked up, smiled and gave him a little wave back, then went back to staring uselessly at my worthless directions and contemplating exactly how long it would take me to get HOPELESSLY LOST and wishing that I had a full tank of gas. At the next stop light the truck was next to me again. This conversation took place:

Driver Frat Boy: Hey!Me: *looking up again and smirking when I realize there are actually two frat boys in the truck*Driver: You wanna go get naked with us?Me: I'm going to a party.Driver: Where at?Me: Lewisville.Driver: You gonna get naked?Me: *more smirking* Maybe.Driver: We'll follow you!Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *more smirking while speeding off*

Yeah, whatever. Come on, does that EVER actually work? Are there girls who say "Hey, sure! You got a nice truck! I'll go get naked with you two total and complete strangers! I'll even throw in a couple of blow jobs since you seem so nice!" I think not!

Anyway, I DID make it to the party, but not before getting hopeless lost again and having to call K to help me navigate BACK to where I was supposed to be. The party was fun, I'll post photos later and before you ask - NO they never caught up to me so they didn't get to the party, and YES I did get lost going home - but hey, that was a given.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Made It Home Alive

The dinner and a movie went just fine (he paid), he liked the boots and I was home by 11:30 pm. Definitely no sparks there on my part, though I had a good time none the less – but hell I could have fun at a public execution (as long as it wasn’t my own).

MOVIE REVIEW ‘Invincible’

We saw ‘Invincible’ last night and I have to say I totally loved this movie. Which is kind of surprising since I’m not a football fan at all – Mark Walberg being in the movie really helped make this movie great. Okay, Mark Walberg having an incredibly HOT body made this movie great. About half the time he was in a t-shirt one could see his little hard nipples through the shirt and damn it if that just didn’t make me want to suck those right off his chest! Helping with the HOTNESS factor of the movie were several other guys and a variety of scenes involving them wrestling around on the ground with each other – oops that sounds kind of gay – I mean they were playing football. My favorite scene has to be when they play football in the rain – hot muscled men covered in clinging wet muddy clothes… oh yeah, I’m all over that… or at least I would be! All of the fabulous hot man shots made up for the frightening polyester and bad fashion that assaults the senses due to this movie being set in the fashionably challenged 1970’s. Aside from all that – it was a good movie! I would totally see it again… In fact I may have to buy it on DVD and watch it over and over (well at lest certain scenes… in slow motion). So… go see the movie! (Take me with you)

Friday, September 08, 2006

Blind Date!

I have a blind date tonight. I’m kind of nervous about it really, which is kind of out of character for me as I usually LOVE blind dates (one of my best long term boyfriend/fuck buddies came from a blind date) just for the whole adventure and excitement and sometimes that “OMG! I wonder if he’s a serial killer!” feeling. But for some reason I’m a bit apprehensive, maybe it’s because I really haven’t been dating in a while ( I kind of gave that up last year after a string of BAD dates… remember ASSHAT the one that said we couldn’t go out for a second date unless I fucked him? Or maybe the one where I ended the date after exactly one hour, saying I was terribly busy and had to get back to my sewing? ) – I mean there was this fabulous guy back in July, but unfortunately (for me) he’s lost interest. I should be really excited, this guy wants to take me to dinner AND a movie. Wow, a real old fashioned kind of date – he’s even going to pick me up at mi casa! AND THAT may be why I’m on the brink of panic. I don’t have people pick me up here, I prefer to meet people – it makes it easier to escape if necessary and it makes it harder for them to STALK me if they decided to become PSYCHO (i.e. the pervert psycho who called me at all hours pulling his pud). But that’s not the only reason I’m a little on edge, it’s because I’m not sure we’ll click. We’ve talked on the phone before and I just don’t think he’s going to really get my sense of humor (weird, sick, sarcastic and juvenile) because he seems a little dry (unfunny and humorless) and he may not get my personality (much like a mentally challenged squirrel who’s had too much coffee). I’m hoping he’s not expecting sex after dinner, because to be quite honest guys who buy me dinner never get laid by me (well there was that one guy who did, but we had sex before dinner then after – so maybe that counts) – it’s all those guys who don’t take me to dinner that get lucky (and that list is very, very short – almost nonexistent).Whatever, wish me luck or something – I’m thinking of wearing the outfit I wore on Wednesday (damn I love that camo skirt and green boots!) though I’m mildly worried that I’ll look like a hooker with bad fashion sense. Eh whatever!

September = BOOTS!

If you weren’t at karaoke you missed the first wearing of THE BOOTS for the season. I know it’s not technically cold enough to WEAR boots yet, but fuck that, it’s September and it hardly ever really is cold enough to wear boots here anyway. Ahhh time to wear the hooker boots again. Life is good.

Mardi Gras Party

So K has invited me (instead of his new boyfriend – WTF??) to go with him to a company party. Last night we shopped for a DRESS for me (actually we were in the store just looking and K mentioned to me that the party was semi-formal or costume and I said “Oh well I better look for a dress since we are here!”) and I found the PERFECT dress – it’s PINK with an obnoxious pattern that I absolutely LOVE! The only problem is that it’s a little tight in the bust but fits everywhere else – YES tight in the bust for me! I know it’s hard to believe since I’m not sporting D (or larger) melons on my chest (like EVERYONE ELSE IS – BITCHES!). No biggie though, it’s probably just from water (fat) retention from too much recent salt (and pizza) consumption. My real problem is that I don’t have a halter bra or a strapless bra and this dress is a halter dress. Lately I’ve had no luck in the bra shopping area so I may have to resort to duct tape or just say “Fuck it, I’m going with a gay man who’s not looking at my titties anyway!” and just let them be free (not likely).

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Gay Jesus on a pogo stick, where’d all the love go??? Yesterday my inbox was just BURSTING with love and adoration (damn that sounds dirty) and today hardly anything. What’s up with that??

One of the BEST things I heard yesterday was “When you left (dramatic pause), it got lame.” How could I argue with that??? It’s true, when I leave; the lameness is palpable (total sarcasm). The best part of that comment is that the guy who said it was totally serious and I don’t think he was even trying to hit on me! Obviously he’s insane, but I now have complete admiration for him. This one comment in no way diminishes my fondness for the many comments that declared me being ‘gorgeous/hot/smokin’ hot/adorable/scorching hot/sexy’, but the total uniqueness and quirkiness (and complete truth – HAH!) of the statement has made it my FAVORITE for the day.

And today… hardly anything… a couple of e-mails to say hello and a dirty photo, but where has my adoring public gone? Eh, whatever, back to my BOB, I know he loves me. Fresh batteries are like that. ;)