Penn Satire, Since 1899

Three Good Reasons Not to Let Your Roommate Die

It’s 1 am, Saturday night. You remain at hard at work, diligently unlocking the mysteries of how Cicero really saw the nature of rhetoric (hint: as a tool for getting some on a Friday night). Suddenly, your roommate bursts in and promptly turns your life to shit. This man isn’t “try to engage in homo-erotic adventures drunk,” he is a man on the edge of death.

Without delay, he makes a number of key redecorating choices. He gives each of your four walls a fresh coat of vomit and decides that the lamp, which is clearly talking shit to him, needs to die a violent death. He then flops on his bed, satisfied that he taught that bitch lamp a lesson. You sigh, it could have been wose.

Then you hear it, the gurgle of vomit that can’t escape the throat. Bro’s about to choke. You know you should roll him over but you can’t quite bring yourself to do it. This is the man who once sexiled you for 2 weeks, who told every girl in AXO that you still play D&D in full costume. Well, who knows how to cast a vomit drowning spell now asshole? Maybe next time he will show proper deference to Ghetibingidus the Wizard!!

But before you don that pointy hat to say the death incantation, please consider the following points, sponsored by the Bro Council of America:

1. No more Free Stuff
This is a hard concept to master because if video games have taught us anything it is that once you shoot/shank/snipe/ a person you are, by legally binding precedent, entitled to all their stuff. Beat a man with a pipe outside his own house? Move right in. Glock a sucka getting out of his ride? Enjoy your new Ferrari. Unfortunately, judges have been slow to accept what is basically common law at this point, so the 50 inch plasma he brought to watch the game: gone. The 100 pack of Durex that spared you the awkwardness of manning up and buying them yourself? Right out the door with it.

2. Wing Man
He was the brawny athlete with the rippling abs, you were the quiet shy guy who totally understands what you are going through right now. Together, you were lords of the party. Now, whose immature antics will you play off of? Without his loud drunkenness, and immature come-ons you are no longer the thinking woman’s alternative to bro-ery, you are just the awkward guy who’s gone after ½ a glass of wine.

3. Fall Man
Your room used to look crappy, now if you asked a Somali refugee to live there, he would realize that his bombed out shack is in fact the shit. The clothes from the floor give off a smell that would kill a Marine, the walls are a lovely shade of vomit green, and team of microbiologists could spend a lifetime analyzing the fluids in your sink. Facilities is going to violate someone with the fines on this baby; so it may as well be your roommate. After all, who is the house dean going to believe: the Ben Franklin Scholar, or the guy who decided chasing after a tour group throwing beer bottles was the height of comedic expression?