Thursday, March 1, 2007

VOICE-OVER A way out west there was a fella, fella I want to tell you about, fella by the name of Jeff Lebowski. At least, that was the handle his lovin' parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. This Lebowski, he called himself the Dude. Now, Dude, that's a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But then, there was a lot about the Dude that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. And a lot about where he lived, like- wise. But then again, maybe that's why I found the place s'durned innarestin'.

We top the rise and the smoggy vastness of Los Angeles at twilight stretches out before us.

VOICE-OVER They call Los Angeles the City of Angels. I didn't find it to be that exactly, but I'll allow as there are some nice folks there. 'Course, I can't say I seen London, and I never been to France, and I ain't never seen no queen in her damn undies as the fella says. But I'll tell you what, after seeing Los Angeles and thisahere story I'm about to unfold-- wal, I guess I seen somethin' ever' bit as stupefyin' as ya'd see in any a those other places, and in English too, so I can die with a smile on my face without feelin' like the good Lord gypped me.

INTERIOR RALPH'S

It is late, the supermarket all but deserted. We are tracking in on a fortyish man in Bermuda shorts and sunglasses at the dairy case. He is the Dude. His rumpled look and relaxed manner suggest a man in whom casualness runs deep.

He is feeling quarts of milk for coldness and examining their expiration dates.

VOICE-OVER Now this story I'm about to unfold took place back in the early nineties-- just about the time of our conflict with Sad'm and the Eye-rackies. I only mention it 'cause some- times there's a man--I won't say a hee-ro, 'cause what's a hee-ro?--but sometimes there's a man.

The Dude glances furtively about and then opens a quart of milk. He sticks his nose in the spout and sniffs.

VOICE-OVER And I'm talkin' about the Dude here-- sometimes there's a man who, wal, he's the man for his time'n place, he fits right in there--and that's the Dude, in Los Angeles.

CHECKOUT GIRL

She waits, arms folded. A small black-and white TV next to her register shows George Bush on the White House lawn with helicopter rotors spinning behind him.

GEORGE BUSH This aggression will not stand. . . This will not stand!

The Dude, peeking over his shades, scribbles something at the little customer's lectern. Milk beads his mustache.

VOICE-OVER ...and even if he's a lazy man, and the Dude was certainly that--quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles County.

The Dude has his Ralph's Shopper's Club card to one side and is making out a check to Ralph's for sixty-nine cents.

VOICE-OVER ...which would place him high in the runnin' for laziest worldwide--but sometimes there's a man. . . sometimes there's a man.

EXTERIOR RALPH'S

Long shot of the glowing Ralph's. There are only two or three cars parked in the huge lot.

VOICE-OVER Wal, I lost m'train of thought here. But--aw hell, I done innerduced him enough.

The Dude is a small figure walking across the vast lot. Next to him walks a Mexican carry-out boy in a red apron and cap carrying a small brown bag holding the quart of milk. The two men's footsteps echo in the still of the night.

After a beat of walking the Dude offhandedly points.

DUDE It's the LeBaron.

DUDE'S HOUSE

The Dude is going up the walkway of a small Venice bungalow court. He holds the paper sack in one hand and a small leatherette satchel in the other. He awkwardly hugs the grocery bag against his chest as he turns a key in his door.

INSIDE

The Dude enters and flicks on a light.

His head is grabbed from behind and tucked into an armpit. We track with him as he is rushed through the living room, his arm holding the satchel flailing away from his body. Going into the bedroom the outflung satchel catches a piece of doorframe and wallboard and rips through it, leaving a hole.

The Dude is propelled across the bedroom and on into a small bathroom, the satchel once again taking away a piece of doorframe. His head is plunged into the toilet. The paper bag hugged to his chest explodes milk as it hits the toilet rim and the satchel pulverizes tile as it crashes to the floor.

The Dude blows bubbles.

VOICE We want that money, Lebowski. Bunny said you were good for it.

Hands haul the Dude out of the toilet. The Dude blubbers and gasps for air.

DUDE You see a wedding ring? Does this place look like I'm fucking married? All my plants are dead!

The blond man stoops to unzip the satchel. He pulls out a bowling ball and examines it in the manner of a superstitious native.

BLOND MAN The fuck is this?

The Dude pats at his pockets, takes out a joint and lights it.

DUDE Obviously you're not a golfer.

The blond man drops the ball which pulverizes more tile.

BLOND MAN Woo?

The Chinese man is zipping his fly.

WOO Yeah?

BLOND MAN Wasn't this guy supposed to be a millionaire?

WOO Uh?

They both look around.

WOO Fuck.

BLOND MAN What do you think?

WOO He looks like a fuckin' loser.

The Dude pulls his sunglasses down his nose with one finger and peeks over them.

DUDE Hey. At least I'm housebroken.

The two men look at each other. They turn to leave.

WOO Fuckin' waste of time.

The blond man turns testily at the door.

BLOND MAN Thanks a lot, asshole.

ON THE DOOR SLAM WE CUT TO:

BOWLING PINS

Scattered by a strike.

Music and head credits play over various bowling shots--pins flying, bowlers hoisting balls, balls gliding down lanes, sliding feet, graceful releases, ball return spinning up a ball, fingers sliding into fingerholes, etc.

The music turns into boomy source music, coming from a distant jukebox, as the credits end over a clattering strike.

A lanky blonde man with stringy hair tied back in a ponytail turns from the strike to walk back to the bench.

MAN Hot damn, I'm throwin' rocks tonight. Mark it, Dude.

We are tracking in on the circular bench towards a big man nursing a large plastic cup of Bud. He has dark worried eyes and a goatee. Hairy legs emerge from his khaki shorts. He also wears a khaki army surplus shirt with the sleeves cut off over an old bowling shirt. This is Walter. He squints through the smoke from his own cigarette as he addresses the Dude at the scoring table.

The Dude, also holding a large plastic cup of Bud, wears some of its foam on his mustache.

WALTER This was a valued rug.

He elaborately clears his throat.

WALTER This was, uh--

DUDE Yeah man, it really tied the room together--

WALTER This was a valued, uh.

Donny, the strike-scoring bowler, enters and sits next Walter.

DONNY What tied the room together, Dude?

WALTER Were you listening to the story, Donny?

DONNY What--

WALTER Were you listening to the Dude's story?

DONNY I was bowling--

WALTER So you have no frame of reference, Donny. You're like a child who wanders in in the middle of a movie and wants to know--

DUDE What's the point of--we all know who was at fault, so what the fuck are you talking about?

WALTER Huh? No! What the fuck are you talking--I'm not--we're talking about unchecked aggression here--

DONNY What the fuck is he talking about?

DUDE My rug.

WALTER Forget it, Donny. You're out of your element.

DUDE This Chinaman who peed on my rug, I can't go give him a bill so what the fuck are you talking about?

WALTER What the fuck are you talking about?! This Chinaman is not the issue! I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line you do not, uh--and also, Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred, uh. . . Asian- American. Please.

DUDE Walter, this is not a guy who built the rail- roads, here, this is a guy who peed on my--

WALTER What the fuck are you--

DUDE Walter, he peed on my rug--

DONNY He peed on the Dude's rug--

WALTER YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT! This Chinaman is not the issue, Dude.

DUDE So who--

WALTER Jeff Lebowski. Come on. This other Jeffrey Lebowski. The millionaire. He's gonna be easier to find anyway than these two, uh. these two . . . And he has the wealth, uh, the resources obviously, and there is no reason, no FUCKING reason, why his wife should go out and owe money and they pee on your rug. Am I wrong?

DUDE No, but--

WALTER Am I wrong!

DUDE Yeah, but--

WALTER Okay. That, uh.

He elaborately clears his throat.

That rap really tied the room together, did it not?

DUDE Fuckin' A.

DONNY And this guy peed on it.

WALTER Donny! Please!

DUDE Yeah, I could find this Lebowski guy--

DONNY His name is Lebowski? That's your name, Dude!

DUDE Yeah, this is the guy, this guy should compensate me for the fucking rug. I mean his wife goes out and owes money and they pee on my rug.

WALTER Thaaat's right Dude; they pee on your fucking Rug.

CLOSE ON A PLAQUE

We pull back from the name JEFFREY LEBOWSKI engraved in silver to reveal that the plaque, from Variety Clubs International, honors Lebowski as ACHIEVER OF THE YEAR.

Reflected in the plaque we see the Dude entering the room with a YOUNG MAN. We hear the two men talk:

YOUNG MAN And this is the study. You can see the various commendations, honorary degrees, et cetera.

DUDE Yes, uh, very impressive.

YOUNG MAN Please, feel free to inspect them.

DUDE I'm not really, uh.

YOUNG MAN Please! Please!

DUDE Uh-huh.

We are panning the walls, looking at various citations and

certificates unrelated to the ones being discussed offscreen:

YOUNG MAN That's the key to the city of Pasadena, which Mr. Lebowski was given two years ago in recognition of his various civic, uh.

DUDE Uh-huh.

YOUNG MAN That's a Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce Business Achiever award, which is given--not necessarily given every year! Given only when there's a worthy, somebody especially--

DUDE Hey, is this him with Nancy?

YOUNG MAN That is indeed Mr. Lebowski with the first lady, yes, taken when--

DUDE Lebowski on the right?

YOUNG MAN Of course, Mr. Lebowski on the right, Mrs. Reagan on the left, taken when--

DUDE He's handicapped, huh?

YOUNG MAN Mr. Lebowski is disabled, yes. And this picture was taken when Mrs. Reagan was first lady of the nation, yes, yes? Not of California.

DUDE Far out.

YOUNG MAN And in fact he met privately with the President, though unfortunately there wasn't time for a photo opportunity.

DUDE Nancy's pretty good.

YOUNG MAN Wonderful woman. We were very--

DUDE Are these.

YOUNG MAN These are Mr. Lebowski's children, so to speak--

DUDE Different mothers, huh?

YOUNG MAN No, they--

DUDE I guess he's pretty, uh, racially pretty cool--

YOUNG MAN They're not his, heh-heh, they're not literally his children; they're the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, inner-city children of promise but without the--

DUDE I see.

YOUNG MAN --without the means for higher education, so Mr. Lebowski has committed to sending all of them to college.

DUDE Jeez. Think he's got room for one more?

YOUNG MAN One--oh! Heh-heh. You never went to college?

DUDE Well, yeah I did, but I spent most of my time occupying various, um, administration buildings--

Our continuing track and pan have brought us onto a framed Life Magazine cover which is headlined ARE YOU A LEBOWSKI ACHIEVER? Oddly, the Dude's sunglassed face is on it; we realize that, under the magazine's logo and headline, the display is mirrored.

We hear the door open and the whine of a motor. The Dude, wearing shorts and a bowling shirt, turns to look.

So does Brandt, the young man we've been listening to. He wears a suit and has his hands clasped in front of his groin.

Entering the room is a fat sixtyish man in a motorized wheelchair--Jeff Lebowski.

LEBOWSKI Okay sir, you're a Lebowski, I'm a Lebowski, that's terrific, I'm very busy so what can I do for you?

He wheels himself behind a desk. The Dude sits facing him as Brandt withdraws.

DUDE Well sir, it's this rug I have, really tied the room together-

LEBOWSKI You told Brandt on the phone, he told me. So where do I fit in?

DUDE Well they were looking for you, these two guys, they were trying to--

LEBOWSKI I'll say it again, all right? You told Brandt. He told me. I know what happened. Yes? Yes?

DUDE So you know they were trying to piss on your rug--

LEBOWSKI Did I urinate on your rug?

DUDE You mean, did you personally come and pee on my--

LEBOWSKI Hello! Do you speak English? Parla usted Inglese? I'll say it again. Did I urinate on your rug?

DUDE Well no, like I said, Woo peed on the rug--

LEBOWSKI Hello! Hello! So every time--I just want to understand this, sir-- every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city, I have to compensate the--

DUDE Come on, man, I'm not trying to scam anybody here, I'm just--

LEBOWSKI You're just looking for a handout like every other--are you employed, Mr. Lebowski?

DUDE Look, let me explain something. I'm not Mr. Lebowski; you're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. That, or Duder. His Dudeness. Or El Duderino, if, you know, you're not into the whole brevity thing--

LEBOWSKI Are you employed, sir?

DUDE Employed?

LEBOWSKI You don't go out and make a living dressed like that in the middle of a weekday.

DUDE Is this a--what day is this?

LEBOWSKI But I do work, so if you don't mind--

DUDE No, look. I do mind. The Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this will not stand, man. I mean, if your wife owes--

LEBOWSKI My wife is not the issue here. I hope that my wife will someday learn to live on her allowance, which is ample, but if she doesn't, sir, that will be her problem, not mine, just as your rug is your problem, just as every bum's lot in life is his own responsibility regardless of whom he chooses to blame. I didn't blame anyone for the loss of my legs, some chinaman in Korea took them from me but I went out and achieved anyway. I can't solve your problems, sir, only you can.

LEBOWSKI ...My advice is, do what your parents did! Get a job, sir! The bums will always lose-- do you hear me, Lebowski? THE BUMS WILL ALWAYS--

The Dude shuts the door on the old man's bellowing to find himself--

HALLWAY --in a high coffered hallway. Brandt is approaching.

BRANDT How was your meeting, Mr. Lebowski?

DUDE Okay. The old man told me to take any rug in the house.

WALKWAY

A houseman with a rolled-up carpet on one shoulder goes down a stone walk that winds through the back lawn, past a swimming pool to a garage. Brandt and the Dude follow.

BRANDT Manolo will load it into your car for you, uh, Dude.

DUDE It's the LeBaron.

DUDE'S POINT OF VIEW

Tracking toward the pool. A young woman sits facing it, her back to us, leaning forward to paint her toenails.

Beyond her a black form floats in an inflatable chair in the pool.

BRANDT Well, enjoy, and perhaps we'll see you again some time, Dude.

DUDE Yeah sure, if I'm ever in the neighborhood, need to use the john.

CLOSER TRACK

Arcing around the woman's foot as she finishes painting the nails emerald green.

THE DUDE

Looking.

WIDER

The young woman looks up at him. She is in her early twenties.

She leans back and extends her leg toward the Dude.

YOUNG WOMAN Blow on them.

The Dude pulls his sunglasses down his nose and peeks over them.

DUDE Huh?

She waggles her foot and giggles.

YOUNG WOMAN G'ahead. Blow.

The Dude tentatively grabs hold of her extended foot.

DUDE You want me to blow on your toes?

YOUNG WOMAN Uh-huh. . . I can't blow that far.

The Dude looks over at the pool.

DUDE You sure he won't mind?

The man bobbing in the inflatable chair is passed out. He is thin, in his thirties, with long stringy blond hair. He wears black leather pants and a black leather jacket, open, shirtless, exposing fine blond chest hair and pale skin. One arm trails off into the water; next to it, an empty whiskey bottle bobs.

YOUNG WOMAN Dieter doesn't care about anything. He's a nihilist.

DUDE Practicing?

The young woman smiles.

YOUNG WOMAN You're not blowing.

Brandt nervously takes the Dude by the elbow.

BRANDT Our guest has to be getting along, Mrs. Lebowski.

The Dude grudgingly allows himself to be led away, still looking at the young woman.

DUDE You're Bunny?

BUNNY I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars.

Brandt releases a gale of forced laughter:

BRANDT Ha-ha-ha-ha! Wonderful woman. Very free-spirited. We're all very fond of her.

BUNNY Brandt can't watch though. Or he has to pay a hundred.

BRANDT Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! That's marvelous.

He continues to lead away the Dude, who looks back over his

SHOULDER:

DUDE I'm just gonna find a cash machine.

BOWLING PINS

Scattered by a strike.

THE BOWLERS

Donny calls out from the bench:

DONNY Grasshopper Dude--They're dead in the water!!

As the Dude walks back to the scoring table he turns to another team in black bowling shirts--the Cavaliers--that shares the lane.

DUDE Your maples, Carl.

Walter, just arriving, is carrying a leatherette satchel in one hand and a large plastic carrier in the other.

WALTER Way to go, Dude. If you will it, it is no dream.

DUDE You're fucking twenty minutes late. What the fuck is that?

WALTER Theodore Herzel.

DUDE Huh?

WALTER State of Israel. If you will it, Dude, it is no--

DUDE What the fuck're you talking about? The carrier. What's in the fucking carrier?

WALTER Huh? Oh--Cynthia's Pomeranian. Can't leave him home alone or he eats the furniture.

DUDE What the fuck are you--

WALTER I'm saying, Cynthia's Pomeranian. I'm looking after it while Cynthia and Marty Ackerman are in Hawaii.

DUDE You brought a fucking Pomeranian bowling?

WALTER What do you mean "brought it bowling"? I didn't rent it shoes. I'm not buying it a fucking beer. He's not gonna take your fucking turn, Dude.

He lets the small yapping dog out of the carrier. It scoots around the bowling table, sniffing at bowlers and wagging its tail.

DUDE Hey, man, if my fucking ex-wife asked me to take care of her fucking dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu, I'd tell her to go fuck herself. Why can't she board it?

WALTER First of all, Dude, you don't have an ex, secondly, it's a fucking show dog with fucking papers. You can't board it. It gets upset, its hair falls out.

DUDE Hey man--

WALTER Fucking dog has papers, Dude.--Over the line!

Smokey turns from his last roll to look at Walter.

WALTER Smokey Huh?

WALTER Over the line, Smokey! I'm sorry. That's a foul.

SMOKEY Bullshit. Eight, Dude.

WALTER Excuse me! Mark it zero. Next frame.

SMOKEY Bullshit. Walter!

WALTER This is not Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.

DUDE Come on Walter, it's just--it's Smokey. So his toe slipped over a little, it's just a game.

WALTER This is a league game. This determines who enters the next round- robin, am I wrong?

SMOKEY Yeah, but--

WALTER Am I wrong!?

SMOKEY Yeah, but I wasn't over. Gimme the marker, Dude, I'm marking it an eight.

Walter takes out a gun.

WALTER Smokey my friend, you're entering a world of pain.

DUDE Hey Walter--

WALTER Mark that frame an eight, you're entering a world of pain.

SMOKEY I'm not--

WALTER A world of pain.

A manager in a bowling-shirt style uniform is running for a phone.

SMOKEY Look Dude, I don't hold with this. This guy is your partner, you should--

Walter primes the gun and points it at his head.

WALTER HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE CRAZY? AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE RULES? MARK IT ZERO!

The Pomeranian is excitedly yapping at Walter's elbow, making high body-twisting tail-wagging leaps.

DUDE Walter, they're calling the cops, put the piece away.

WALTER MARK IT ZERO!

SMOKEY Walter--

WALTER YOU THINK I'M FUCKING AROUND HERE? MARK IT ZERO!!

SMOKEY All right! There it is! It's fucking zero!

He points frantically at the score projected above the lane.

SMOKEY You happy, you crazy fuck?

WALTER This is a league game, Smokey!

PARKING LOT

Walter and the Dude walk to the Dude's car. The Pomeranian trots happily behind Walter who totes the empty carrier.

DUDE Walter, you can't do that. These guys're like me, they're pacificists. Smokey was a conscientious objector.

WALTER You know Dude, I myself dabbled with pacifism at one point. Not in Nam, of course--

DUDE And you know Smokey has emotional problems!

WALTER You mean--beyond pacifism?

DUDE He's fragile, man! He's very fragile!

As the two men get into the car:

WALTER Huh. I did not know that. Well, it's water under the bridge. And we do enter the next round-robin, am I wrong?

DUDE No, you're not wrong--

WALTER Am I wrong!

DUDE You're not wrong, Walter, you're just an asshole.

They watch a squad car take a squealing turn into the lot.

WALTER Okay then. We play Quintana and O'Brien next week. They'll be pushovers.

DUDE Just, just take it easy, Walter.

WALTER That's your answer to everything, Dude. And let me point out--pacifism is not--look at our current situation with that camelfucker in Iraq-- pacifism is not something to hide behind.

At the table next to the answering machine the Dude is mixing kalhua, rum and milk.

VOICE Dude, this is Smokey. Look, I don't wanna be a hard-on about this, and I know it wasn't your fault, but I just thought it was fair to tell you that Gene and I will be submitting this to the League and asking them to set aside the round. Or maybe forfeit it to us--

DUDE Shit!

VOICE --so, like I say, just thought, you know, fair warning. Tell Walter.

A beep.

ANOTHER VOICE Mr. Lebowski, this is Brandt at, uh, well--at Mr. Lebowski's office. Please call us as soon as is convenient.

Beep.

ANOTHER VOICE Mr. Lebowski, this is Fred Dynarski with the Southern Cal Bowling League. I just got a, an informal report, uh, that a uh, a member of your team, uh, Walter Sobchak, drew a loaded weapon during league play--

We hear the doorbell.

THE DOOR

It swings open to reveal a short, hairy, muscular but balding middle-aged man in a black T-shirt and black cut-off jeans.

DUDE Hiya Allan.

ALLAN Dude, I finally got the venue I wanted. I'm Performing my dance quintet--you know, my cycle--at Crane Jackson's Fountain Street Theatre on Tuesday night, and I'd love it if you came and gave me notes.

VOICE Mr. Lebowski, Brandt again. Please do call us when you get in and I'll send the limo. Let me assure you--I hope you're not avoiding this call because of the rug, which, I assure you, is not a problem. We need your help and, uh--well we would very much like to see you. Thank you. It's Brandt.

TRACKING

We are pushing Brandt down the high-ceilinged hallway. Distantly, we hear a dolorous soprano. Brandt talks back over

HIS SHOULDER:

BRANDT We've had some terrible news. Mr. Lebowski is in seclusion in the West Wing.

DUDE Huh.

Brandt throws open a pair of heavy double doors. The music washes over us as we enter a great study where Jeffrey Lebowski, a blanket thrown over his knees, stares hauntedly into a fire, listening to Lohengrin.

BRANDT ANNOUNCES, AMBIGUOUSLY:

BRANDT Mr. Lebowski.

Jeffrey Lebowski waves the Dude in without looking around.

LEBOWSKI It's funny. I can look back on a life of achievement, on challenges met, competitors bested, obstacles overcome. I've accomplished more than most men, and without the use of my legs. What. . . What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski?

DUDE Dude.

LEBOWSKI Huh?

DUDE I don't know, sir.

LEBOWSKI Is it. . . is it, being prepared to do the right thing? Whatever the price? Isn't that what makes a man?

DUDE Sure. That and a pair of testicles.

Lebowski turns away from the Dude with a haunted stare, lost in thought.

LEBOWSKI You're joking. But perhaps you're right.

The Dude thumps at his chest pocket.

DUDE Mind if I smoke a jay?

LEBOWSKI Bunny.

He turns back around and the firelight shows teartracks on his cheeks.

DUDE 'Scuse me?

LEBOWSKI Bunny Lebowski. . . She is the light of my life. Are you surprised at my tears, sir?

DUDE Fuckin' A.

LEBOWSKI Strong men also cry. . . Strong men also cry.

He clears his throat.

LEBOWSKI I received this fax this morning.

Brandt hastily pulls a flimsy sheet from his clipboard and hands it to the Dude.

LEBOWSKI As you can see, it is a ransom note. Sent by cowards. Men who are unable to achieve on a level field of play. Men who will not sign their names. Weaklings. Bums.

THE DUDE EXAMINES THE FAX:

WE HAVE BUNNY. GATHER ONE MILLION DOLLARS IN UNMARKED NON-CONSECUTIVE TWENTIES. AWAIT INSTRUCTIONS. NO FUNNY STUFF.

DUDE Bummer.

Lebowski looks soulfully at the Dude.

LEBOWSKI Brandt will fill you in on the details.

He wheels his chair around to once again gaze into the fire. Brandt tugs at the Dude's shirt and points him back to the hall.

HALLWAY

The soprano's singing is once again faint. Brandt's voice is hushed:

BRANDT Mr. Lebowski is prepared to make a generous offer to you to act as courier once we get instructions for the money.

DUDE Why me, man?

BRANDT He suspects that the culprits might be the very people who, uh, soiled your rug, and you're in a unique position to confirm or, uh, disconfirm that suspicion.

DUDE So he thinks it's the carpet-pissers, huh?

BRANDT Well Dude, we just don't know.

BOWLING PINS

CRASH--scattered by a strike, in slow motion.

WIDER

Still in slow motion. We are looking across the length of the bowling alley at a tall, thin, Hispanic bowler displaying perfect form. He wears an all-in-one dacron-polyester stretch bowling outfit with a racing stripe down each side.

FAST TRACK IN

On the Dude, sitting next to Walter in the molded plastic chairs. The Dude is staring off towards the bowler.

DUDE Fucking Quintana--that creep can roll, man--

BACK TO THE BOWLER

Displaying great slow-motion form as the Dude and Walter's conversation continues over.

WALTER Yeah, but he's a fucking pervert, Dude.

DUDE Huh?

WALTER The man is a sex offender. With a record. Spent six months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight- year-old.

FLASHBACK

We see Quintana, in pressed jeans and a stretchy sweater, walking up a stoop in a residential neighborhood and zinging the bell.

The VOICE-OVER conversation continues.

DUDE Huh.

WALTER When he moved down to Venice he had to go door-to-door to tell everyone he's a pederast.

The door swings open and a beer-swilling middle-aged man looks dully out at Quintana, who looks hesitantly up.

DONNY What's a pederast, Walter?

WALTER Shut the fuck up, Donny.

PINS

scattered by a strike.

QUINTANA

wheeling and thrusting a black gloved fist into the air.

Stitched above the breast pocket of his all-in-one is his first name, "Jesus".

BACK TO WALTER AND THE DUDE

They have been joined by Donny.

WALTER Anyway. How much they offer you?

DUDE Twenty grand. And of course I still keep the rug.

WALTER Just for making the hand-off?

DUDE Yeah.

He slips a little black box out of his shirt pocket.

DUDE ...They gave Dude a beeper, so whenever these guys call--

WALTER What if it's during a game?

DUDE I told him if it was during league play--

Donny has been watching Quintana.

DONNY If what's during league play?

WALTER Life does not stop and start at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit.

WALTER Those rich fucks! This whole fucking thing-- I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck so that this fucking strumpet--

DUDE I don't see any connection to Vietnam, Walter.

WALTER Well, there isn't a literal connection, Dude.

DUDE Walter, face it, there isn't any connection. It's your roll.

WALTER Have it your way. The point is--

DUDE It's your roll--

WALTER The fucking point is--

DUDE It's your roll.

VOICE Are you ready to be fucked, man?

They both look up.

Quintana, on his way out, looks down at them from the lip of the lanes. Over his polyester all-in-one he now wears a windbreaker with a racing stripe and "Jesus" stitched on the breast. He is holding a fancy black-and-red leather ball satchel (perhaps a Sylvia Wein). Behind him stands his partner, O'Brien, a short fat Irishman with tufted red hair.

QUINTANA I see you rolled your way into the semis. Deos mio, man. Seamus and me, we're gonna fuck you up.

DUDE Yeah well, that's just, ya know, like, your opinion, man.

Quintana looks at Walter.

QUINTANA Let me tell you something, bendeco. You pull any your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you and stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger til it goes "click".

DUDE Jesus.

QUINTANA You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.

Jesus walks away. Walter nods sadly.

WALTER Eight-year-olds, Dude.

DUDE'S BUNGALOW

We are looking down at the Dude who is prone on the rug. His eyes are closed. He wears a Walkman headset. Leaking tinnily through the headphones we can just hear an intermittent clatter.

The Dude absently licks his lips as we faintly hear a hall rumbling down the lane. On its impact with the pins, the Dude opens his eyes.

He screams.

A blonde woman looms over him. Next to her a young man in paint-spattered denims stoops and swings something towards the carrier.

The sap catches the Dude on the chin and sends his head thunking back onto the rug.

A million stars explode against a field of black. We hear the "La-la-la-la" of The Man in Me.

The black field dissolves into the pattern of the rug. The rug rolls away to reveal an aerial view of the city of Los Angeles at twilight, moving below us at great speed.

The Dude is flying over the city, his arms thrown out in front of him, the wind whipping his hair and billowing his bowling shirt. He looks up.

Ahead the mysterious blonde woman wings away, riding on the Dude's rug like a sheik on a magic carpet. She is outpacing us, growing smaller.

The Dude does a couple of lazy crawl strokes and then notices that a bowling ball has materialized in his forward hand. His bemusement turns to concern over the aerodynamic implications just as the ball seems to suddenly assume its weight, abruptly snapping his arm down, and him after it. He is falling. From a high angle we see the Dude hurtling down toward the city, dragged by the ball.

A reverse looking up shows the Dude hurtling toward us out of the inky sky, his eyes wide with horror. Led by the bowling ball, he zooms past the camera leaving us in black.

We hear a distant rumble, like thunder. Dull reflections materialize in the darkness. They are glints off the shiny surface of an oncoming bowling ball.

We pull back to reveal that the blackness was the inside of a ball return, and the gleaming bowling ball is being regurgitated up at us, overtaking us.

The Dude looks up, up, up at the looming ball, its mass rolling a huge shadow across his face.

The largest--thumb--hole rolls directly over us, engulfing us once again in black..

The black rolls away and we are spinning--spinning down a bowling lane--our point of view that of someone trapped in the thumbhole of the rolling ball.

We see the receding bowler spinning away. It is the blonde woman, performing her follow-through.

Floor spins up at us and then away; ceiling spins up and away; the length of the alley with pins at the end; floor; ceiling; approaching pins; again and again.

We hit the pins and clatter into blackness. We hear pins spin, hit each other and drop.

We hear an irritating, insistent beeping.

FADE IN

We are close on the Dude, upside down. As the picture fades in the bowling noises continue, but filtered and faint. They come from the Dude's Walkman, the headset of which is now askew, with one arm off his ear.

As the Dude opens his eyes we spiral slowly upward to put him right side around. His head is now resting against hardwood floor, not rug.

DUDE Oh man.

He raises himself onto his elbows and massages the red lump on his jaw. The beeper on his belt is blinking red in sync with the continuing irritating beeps.

WIDE ON THE ROOM

An end table is upset, but otherwise the furniture is in place. The rug is gone.

We push Brandt down the familiar marble hallway. Again there is a distant aria. Brandt throws out a wrist to look at his watch.

BRANDT They called about eighty minutes ago. They want you to take the money and drive north on the 4 5. They'll call you on the portable phone with instructions in about forty minutes. One person only or I'd go with you. They were very clear on that: one person only. What happened to your jaw?

DUDE Oh, nothin', you know.

They have reached the little desk outside of the big Lebowski's office; Brandt opens its bottom drawer with a key and takes out an attache case. He hands this to the Dude along with a cellular phone in a battery-pack carrying case.

BRANDT Mr. Lebowski asked me to repeat that: Her life is in your hands.

DUDE Shit.

BRANDT Her life is in your hands, Dude. And report back to us as soon as it's done.

DUDE'S CAR

We pan off the Dude, driving, to his point of view through the front windshield. The headlights play over Walter standing waiting in front of the storefront of SOBCHAK SECURITY. Though he is wearing khaki shorts and shirt, the fact that he holds a battered brown briefcase makes him look oddly like a commuter. He also holds an irregular shape bundled in brown wrapping paper.

The car stops in front of him and he opens the Dude's door and hands in the briefcase.

WALTER Take the ringer. I'll drive.

The Dude takes the briefcase and slides over.

DUDE The what?

WALTER The ringer! The ringer, Dude! Have they called yet?

The Dude opens the briefcase and paws bemusedly through it as the car starts rolling.

As the Dude struggles out holding the satchel of money. The front of his car is crumpled into a tree. The car body saps back to the left, where the rear wheel has been shot out.

WALTER is just rising from the ground massaging an injured knee.

The Dude runs up the road toward the bridge, frantically waving the satchel in the air.

DUDE WE HAVE IT! WE HAVE IT!!

There is a distant engine roar. A motorcycle bumps up onto the road from the ravine under the bridge and, tires squealing, skids around to speed away in the opposite direction. It is closely followed by two more roaring motorcycles.

DUDE WE HAVE IT!!. . . We have it!

The Dude and Walter stand in the middle of the road, watching the three red tail lights fishtail away.

AFTER A LONG STARING SILENCE:

WALTER Ahh fuck it, let's go bowling.

BOWLING LANE

A ball rumbles in to scatter ten pins.

WALTER.

He turns from the lane to where the Dude sits in the nook of molded plastic chairs. The Dude listlessly holds the portable phone in his lap. It is ringing.

WALTER Aitz chaim he, Dude. As the ex used to say.

DUDE What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What the fuck're we gonna tell Lebowski?

WALTER Huh? Oh, him, yeah. Well I don't see, um-- what exactly is the problem?

WALTER What the fuck're you talking about? That poor woman--that poor slut-- kidnapped herself, Dude. You said so yourself--

DUDE No, Walter! I said I thought she kidnapped herself! You're the one who's so fucking certain--

WALTER That's right, Dude, 1 % certain--

Donny is trotting excitedly up.

DONNY They posted the next round of the tournament--

WALTER Donny, shut the f--when do we play?

DONNY This Saturday. Quintana and--

WALTER Saturday! Well they'll have to reschedule.

DUDE Walter, what'm I gonna tell Lebowski?

WALTER I told that fuck down at the league office-- who's in charge of scheduling?

DUDE Walter--

DONNY Burkhalter.

WALTER I told that kraut a fucking thousand times I don't roll on shabbas.

DONNY It's already posted.

WALTER WELL THEY CAN FUCKING UN-POST IT!

DUDE Who gives a shit, Walter? What about that poor woman? What do we tell--

WALTER C'mon Dude, eventually she'll get sick of her little game and, you know, wander back--

DONNY How come you don't roll on Saturday, Walter?

WALTER I'm shomer shabbas.

DONNY What's that, Walter?

DUDE Yeah, and in the meantime what do I tell Lebowski?

WALTER Saturday is shabbas. Jewish day of rest. Means I don't work, I don't drive a car, I don't fucking ride in a car, I don't handle money, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit don't fucking roll!

DONNY Sheesh.

DUDE Walter, how--

WALTER Shomer shabbas.

The Dude gets to his feet with the portable phone.

DUDE That's it. I'm out of here.

WALTER For Christ's sake, Dude.

Walter and Donny join the Dude as he walks out of the bowling alley.

Hell, you just tell him--well, you tell him, uh, we made the hand-off, everything went, uh, you know--

DONNY Oh yeah, how'd it go?

WALTER Went alright. Dude's car got a little dinged up--

DUDE But Walter, we didn't make the fucking hand- off! They didn't get, the fucking money and they're gonna-- they're gonna--

WALTER Yeah yeah, "kill that poor woman."

He waves both arms as if conducting a symphony orchestra.

WALTER Kill that poor woman.

DONNY Walter, if you can't ride in a car, how d'you get around on Shammas--

WALTER Really, Dude, you surprise me. They're not gonna kill shit. They're not gonna do shit. What can they do? Fuckin' amateurs. And meanwhile, look at the bottom line. Who's sitting on a million fucking dollars? Am I wrong?

DUDE Walter--

WALTER Who's got a fucking million fucking dollars parked in the trunk of our car out here?

DUDE "Our" car, Walter?

WALTER And what do they got, Dude? My dirty undies. My fucking whites--Say, where is the car?

The three bowlers, stopped at the edge of the lot, stare out at an empty parking space.

DONNY Who has your undies, Walter?

WALTER Where's your car, Dude?

DUDE You don't know, Walter? You seem to know the answer to everything else!

WALTER Hmm. Well, we were in a handicapped spot. It, uh, it was probably towed.

DUDE It's been stolen, Walter! You fucking know it's been stolen!

WALTER Well, certainly that's a possibility, Dude--

DUDE Aw, fuck it.

The Dude walks away across the lot. The portable phone starts ringing again.

DONNY Where you going, Dude?

DUDE I'm going home, Donny.

DONNY Your phone's ringing, Dude.

DUDE Thank you, Donny.

DUDE'S LIVING ROOM

The Dude is slumped disconsolately back in his easy chair, fingers of one hand cupped over his sunglasses. Facing him on the couch are two uniformed policeman, one middle-aged, the other a fresh-faced rookie.

At the cut the portable phone, in the Dude's lap, is chirping. The Dude waits for the rings to end. When they do:

There is silence. Dude continues to stare at a spot on the floor. The older cop stares at him.

DUDE ...Me, I don't drink coffee. But it's nice when they offer.

AT LENGTH:

DUDE ...Also, my rug was stolen.

YOUNGER COP Your rug was in the car.

The Dude taps the floor with his foot.

DUDE No. Here.

YOUNGER COP Separate incidents?

The Dude stares at the floor.

Silence.

OLDER COP Snap out of it, son.

The home phone starts ringing--a ring distinct from the chirp of the portable. The Dude makes no move to answer it. Finally the rings stop as an answering machine kicks on.

DUDE You find them much? Stolen cars?

Dude's Voice on Machine The Dude's not in. Leave a message after the beep. It takes a minute.

YOUNGER COP Sometimes. I wouldn't hold out much hope for the tape deck though. Or the Creedence tapes.

DUDE And the, uh, the briefcase?

Beep.

FEMALE VOICE ON MACHINE Mr. Lebowski, I'd like to see you. Call when you get home and I'll send a car for you. My name is Maude Lebowski. I'm the woman who took the rug.

Beep. Dial tone.

OLDER COP Well, I guess we can close the file on that one.

TRACKING FORWARD

We are moving through the open living area of a large downtown L.A. loft. A huge unfinished canvas, lit by standing industrial lights, dominates one wall. The furnishings are spare given the space. On the floor is the Dude's brilliant rug.

We hear a rumble like an approaching bowling ball. The Dude, standing in the middle of the loft, looks into the murky depths of the cavernous space.

Something huge and white hurtles towards the Dude's head. As it roars overhead he ducks, and spins to watch it pass.

We see the backside of a naked woman in a sling suspended from a ceiling track rumbling over a canvas that lies on the floor. She is holding a paint bucket in one hand and a brush in the other, with which she flicks paint down at the canvas.

The Dude turns again as he hears running footsteps. Two young men in paint-spattered shorts, T-shirts and sneakers reach the sling shortly after it reaches the end of its track and haul it back for another push.

VOICE I'll be with you in a minute, Mr. Lebowski.

She rumbles by in another pass.

All right, we'll do the blue tomorrow. Elfranco. Pedro. Help me down.

The two men help Maude out of her sling. She is naked except for leather harness straps which ring her breasts and wrap her thighs and give her something of a dominatrix look.

Does the female form make you uncomfor- table, Mr. Lebowski?

DUDE Is that what that's a picture of?

MAUDE In a sense, yes. Elfranco, my robe. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal. Which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.

DUDE Oh yeah?

MAUDE Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say. Whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his "dick" or his "rod" or his "Johnson".

DUDE "Johnson"?

MAUDE Thank you.

This to Elfranco, who has handed her a robe.

All right, Mr. Lebowski, let's get down to cases. My father told me he's agreed to let you have the rug, but it was a gift from me to my late mother, and so was not his to give. Now. As for this. . . "kidnapping"--

DUDE Huh?

MAUDE Yes, I know about it. And I know that you acted as courier. And let me tell you something: the whole thing stinks to high heaven.

DUDE Right, but let me explain something about that rug--

MAUDE Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?

DUDE Excuse me?

MAUDE Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?

DUDE I was talking about my rug.

MAUDE You're not interested in sex?

DUDE You mean coitus?

MAUDE I like it too. It's a male myth about feminists that we hate sex. It can be a natural, zesty enterprise. But unfortunately there are some people--it is called satyriasis in men, nymphomania in women--who engage in it compulsively and without joy.

DUDE Oh, no.

MAUDE Yes Mr. Lebowski, these unfortunate souls cannot love in the true sense of the word. Our mutual acquaintance Bunny is one of these.

DUDE Listen, Maude, I'm sorry if your stepmother is a nympho, but I don't see what it has to do with--do you have any kalhua?

MAUDE Take a look at this, sir.

She is aiming a remote at a projection TV. The screen flickers to life. A title card:

JACKIE TREEHORN PRESENTS

SECOND CARD:

KARL HUNGUS

AND

BUNNY LAJOYA

IN

A THIRD CARD:

LOGJAMMIN'

The Dude is at the bar, a bottle of kalhua frozen halfway to his glass.

From the television set we hear a doorbell ring, and then a door opening.

On the TV screen the door opens to reveal a sallow-faced man in blue coyer-alls. It is Dieter, the floater in Lebowski's pool.

DIETER Hello. Nein dizbatcher says zere iss problem mit deine kable.

DUDE Shit, I know that guy. He's a nihilist.

MAUDE And you recognize her, of course.

The girl answering the door is Bunny Lebowski.

Bunny The TV is in here.

DIETER Za, okay, I bring mein toolz.

Bunny This is my friend Shari. She just came over to use the shower.

MAUDE (grimly) The story is ludicrous.

DIETER Mein nommen iss Karl. Is hard to verk in zese clozes--

Maude switches off the set.

MAUDE Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here.

DUDE He fixes the cable?

MAUDE Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey. Little matter to me that this woman chose to pursue a career

in pornography, nor that she has been "banging" Jackie Treehorn, to use the parlance of our times. However. I am one of two trustees of the Lebowski Foundation, the other being my father. The Foundation takes youngsters from Watts and--

DUDE Shit yeah, the achievers.

MAUDE Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, yes, and proud we are of all of them. I asked my father about his withdrawal of a million dollars from the Foundation account and he told me about this "abduction", but I tell you it is preposterous. This compulsive

fornicator is taking my father for the proverbial ride.

DUDE Yeah, but my-

MAUDE I'm getting to your rug. My father and I don't get along; he doesn't approve of my lifestyle and, needless to say, I don't approve of his. Still, I hardly wish to make my father's embezzlement a police matter, so I'm proposing that you try to recover the money from the people you delivered it to.

DUDE Well--sure, I could do that--

MAUDE If you successfully do so, I will compensate you to the tune of 1% of the recovered sum.

DUDE A hundred.

MAUDE Thousand, yes, bones or clams or whatever you call them.

DUDE Yeah, but what about--

MAUDE --your rug, yes, well with that money you can buy any number of rugs that don't have sentimental value for me. And I am sorry about that crack on the jaw.

The Dude fingers his jaw, where the lump from the sap has all but disappeared.

DUDE Oh that's okay, I hardly even--

MAUDE Here's the name and number of a doctor who will look at it for you. You will receive no bill. He's a good man, and thorough.

DUDE That's really thoughtful but I--

MAUDE Please see him, Jeffrey. He's a good man, and thorough.

LIMO

The Dude sits in back holding a White Russian, listening to the chauffeur, a man of about the same age from whose livery cap a ponytail emerges.

DRIVER --So he says, "My son can't hold a job, my daughter's married to a fuckin' loser, and I got a rash on my ass so bad I can't hardly siddown. But you know me. I can't complain."

DUDE I--the royal we, you know, the editorial--I dropped off the money, exactly as per--Look, I've got certain information, certain things have come to light, and uh, has it ever occurred to you, man, that given the nature of all this new shit, that, uh, instead of running around blaming me, that this whole thing might just be, not, you know, not just such a simple, but uh--you know?

DUDE Well sure, look at it! Young trophy wife, I mean, in the parlance of our times, owes money all over town, including to known pornographers-- and that's cool, that's cool-- but I'm saying, she needs money, and of course they're gonna say they didn't get it 'cause she wants more, man, she's gotta feed the monkey, I mean-- hasn't that ever occurred to you...? Sir?

LEBOWSKI (quietly) No. No Mr. Lebowski, that had not occurred to me.

BRANDT That had not occurred to us, Dude.

DUDE Well, okay, you're not privy to all the new shit, so uh, you know, but that's what you pay me for. Speaking of which, would it be possible for me to get my twenty grand in cash? I gotta check this with my accountant of course, but my concern is that, you know, it could bump me into a higher tax--

LEBOWSKI Brandt, give him the envelope.

DUDE Well, okay, if you've already made out the check. Brandt is handing him a letter-sized envelope which is distended by something inside.

BRANDT We received it this morning.

The Dude, frowning, untucks its flap, takes out some cotton wadding and unrolls it.

LEBOWSKI Since you have failed to achieve, even in the modest task that was your charge, since you have stolen my money, and since you have unrepentantly betrayed my trust.

The wadding, undone, reveals a smaller wad of gauze taped up inside. The Dude undoes the tape with his fingernails and starts to unroll the inner package.

LEBOWSKI I have no choice but to tell these bums that they should do whatever is necessary to recover their money from you, Jeffrey Lebowski. And with Brandt as my witness, tell you this: Any further harm visited upon Bunny, shall be visited tenfold upon your head.

Between thumb and forefinger the Dude holds up the contents of the package--a little toe, with emerald green nail polish.

LEBOWSKI ...By God sir. I will not abide another toe.

COFFEE SHOP

The Dude and Walter sit at the counter, both staring off into space, both absently stirring their coffee with little clinking noises.

AFTER A LONG BEAT:

WALTER That wasn't her toe.

DUDE Whose toe was it, Walter?

WALTER How the fuck should I know? I do know that nothing about it indicates--

DUDE The nail polish, Walter.

WALTER Fine, Dude. As if it's impossible to get some nail polish, apply it to someone else's toe--

DUDE Someone else's--where the fuck are they gonna--

WALTER You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me.

DUDE But Walter--

WALTER I'll get you a toe by this afternoon--with nail polish. These fucking amateurs. They send us a toe, we're supposed to shit our- selves with fear. Jesus Christ. My point is--

DUDE They're gonna kill her, Walter, and then they're gonna kill me--

WALTER Well that's just, that's the stress talking, Dude. So far we have what looks to me like a series of victimless crimes--

DUDE What about the toe?

WALTER FORGET ABOUT THE FUCKING TOE!

A waitress enters.

WAITRESS Could you please keep your voices down--this is a family restaurant.

WALTER You gotta buck up, man, you can't go into the tournament with this negative attitude--

DUDE Fuck the tournament! Fuck you, Walter!

There is a moment of stunned silence.

WALTER Fuck the tournament?!

SAD; QUIET:

WALTER Okay Dude. I can see you don't want to be cheered up. C'mon Donny, let's go get a lane.

They leave the Dude sitting morosely at the bar. As he stares

DOWN INTO HIS EMPTY GLASS:

DUDE Another Caucasian, Gary.

VOICE Right, Dude.

STILL STARING DOWN AT THE BAR:

DUDE Friends like these, huh Gary.

GARY That's right, Dude.

The pop song on the jukebox has ended; someone puts on "Tumbling Tumbleweeds."

A man saunters up to the bar to take the stool that Walter vacated. He is middle-aged, amiable, craggily handsome--Sam Elliot, perhaps. He has a large Western-style mustache and wears denims, a yoked shirt and a cowboy hat.

TO THE BARTENDER:

MAN D'ya have a good sarsaparilla?

We recognize the voice of The Stranger whose narration opened the movie.

BARTENDER Sioux City Sarsaparilla.

The Stranger nods.

THE STRANGER That's a good one.

Waiting for his drink, he looks amiably around the bar. His crinkled eyes settle on the Dude.

THE STRANGER How ya doin' there, Dude?

The Dude, still staring down at his drink, shakes his head.

DUDE Ahh, not so good, man.

THE STRANGER One a those days, huh. Wal, a wiser fella than m'self once said, sometimes you eat the bar and sometimes the bar, wal, he eats you.

DUDE (absently) Uh-huh. That some kind of Eastern thing?

THE STRANGER Far from it.

DUDE Mm.

The bartender puts a brown bottle and a frosted glass on the bar in front of The Stranger, who touches his hat brim.

THE STRANGER Much obliged.

He looks back at the Dude.

THE STRANGER I like your style, Dude.

THE DUDE LOOKS UP, ABSENTLY:

DUDE Well I like your style too, man. Got a whole cowboy thing goin'.

THE STRANGER Thankie. . . Just one thing, Dude. D'ya have to use s'many cuss words?

The Dude looks at The Stranger as if just now noticing how out of place the cowpoke is.

DUDE The fuck are you talking about?

The Stranger chuckles indulgently and pushes off from the bar.

THE STRANGER Okay, have it your way.

He brushes his hat brim with a fingertip.

THE STRANGER Take it easy, Dude.

DUDE Yeah. Thanks man.

He is gone. "Tumbling Tumbleweeds" is ending as we hear an offscreen voice, breaking the spell:

VOICE Dude! Dude!

THE DUDE LOOKS:

Tony, the unformed limo driver, is at the door of the bar, beckoning.

MAUDE'S LOFT

She strides toward us, naked under a robe which she is just cinching shut. Paint flecks her skin.

MAUDE Dieter has been on the fringes of-- well, of everything in L.A., for about twenty years. Look at my LP's. Under 'Autobahn.'

The Dude fingers through the albums filling one bookshelf.

MAUDE That was his group--they released one album in the mid-seventies.

The Dude stops between two albums.

DUDE Roy Orbison. . . Pink Floyd.

MAUDE Huh? Autobahn. A-u-t-o. Their music is a sort of--ugh--techno-pop.

The Dude pulls out an album with a worn sleeve. On it is the group's name, Autobahn, the album name, Nagelbett, and a picture

OF THREE YOUNG GERMANS, THEIR FOREHEADS LOOMING BELOW SLICKED-

back hair, gazing upward in thin-lipped epiphany. They are wearing severe but modishly retro suits. Each has his name under his picture--Dieter, Kieffer; and Franz. A bed of nails is the only set dressing on the cyc.

DUDE Jeez. I miss vinyl.

MAUDE Is he pretending to be the abductor?

DUDE Well...yeah--

MAUDE Look, Jeffrey, you don't really kidnap someone that you're acquainted with. You can't get away with it if the hostage knows who you are.

MAUDE Please Jeffrey. I don't want to be responsible for any delayed after- effects.

DUDE Delayed after-eff--

MAUDE I want you to see him immediately.

She is picking up a telephone.

MAUDE I'll see if he's available. He's a good man, and thorough.

CLOSE SHOT THE DUDE

His eyes are closed, a headset on, his shirt off. Leaking tinnily through the headset we hear the opening bars of "Comin' Up Around the Bend."

Behind him, cropped so that we see only a little of his torso, a white-smocked figure taps at the Dude's back. After a moment the figure circles to one side, out of frame. His hand reaches in to pull one arm of the headset away from the Dude's ear, and as he does so the music issues more strongly.

VOICE Could you slide your shorts down please, Mr. Lebowski?

The Dude's eyes open.

DUDE Huh? No, she, she hit me right here.

VOICE I understand sir. Could you slide your shorts down please?

DUDE'S CAR

The Dude is driving home. A Creedence tape plays. The Dude is sucking down a joint. He glances at the rear-view mirror--and, noticing something, looks again.

HIS POV

A Volkswagon bug is following, a lone fat man driving.

THE DUDE

His eyes still on the mirror, he absently takes the joint between thumb and forefinger of his right hand and flicks it out the driver's window--except that the window is not open. The butt bounces off the glass and around the car, showering sparks.

DUDE'S CROTCH

The glowing butt rolls down the car seat between his legs. The Dude screams.

THE STREET

The car careens wildly as the surrounding traffic veers off to, make way, horns blaring. The car finally spins and comes to rest with its passenger side wrapped into a telephone poll.

INSIDE THE CAR

The Dude frantically grabs at his door, which won't open, and then slides over to push at the passenger door, which also won't open.

DUDE Fuck Me.

But he is sitting on the passenger side now, away from the lit butt. He looks around for it.

Smoke is wisping up from between the Driver's seat cushion and back cushion.

DUDE Fuckola, man.

He takes his beer and pours it in between the cushions. There is a hissing sound. But there is a piece of paper sticking out from between the cushions.

The Dude pulls it out.

It is lined spiral notebook paper, slightly singed and dripping beer, covered with handwriting. In the upper right-hand corner is the name Lawrence Sellers, and under that, Mrs. Jamtoss 5th Period. The theme is titled "The Louisiana Purchase." In red ink is a large circled D and some handwritten marginal comments; misspelled words are circled in red throughout.

CRANE JACKSON'S FOUNTAIN STREET THEATER

We are behind Walter, the Dude, and Donny, facing the stage in the background where Allan, the Dude's balding landlord, is performing a dance moderne.

As Walter talks to the Dude he leans in to him, his voice hushed, so as not to disturb the rest of the very sparse audience.

WALTER He lives in North Hollywood on Radford, near the In-and-Out Burger--

DUDE The In-and-Out Burger is on Camrose.

WALTER Near the In-and-Out Burger--

DONNY Those are good burgers, Walter.

WALTER Shut the fuck up, Donny. This kid is in the ninth grade, Dude, and his father is--are you ready for this?-- Arthur Digby Sellers.

DUDE Who the fuck is that?

WALTER Huh?

DUDE Who the fuck is Arthur Digby Sellers?

WALTER Who the f--have you ever heard of a little show called Branded, Dude?

DUDE Yeah.

WALTER All but one man died? There at Bitter Creek?

DUDE Yeah yeah, I know the fucking show Walter, so what?

WALTER Fucking Arthur Digby Sellers wrote 156 episodes, Dude.

DUDE Uh-huh.

WALTER The bulk of the series.

DUDE Uh-huh.

WALTER Not exactly a lightweight.

DUDE No.

WALTER And yet his son is a fucking dunce.

DUDE Uh.

WALTER Yeah, go figure. Well we'll go out there after the, uh, the.

He waves a hand vaguely toward the stage.

WALTER What have you. We'll, uh--

DONNY We'll be near the In-and-Out Burger.

WALTER Shut the fuck up, Donny. We'll, uh, brace the kid--he'll be a pushover. We'll get that fucking money, if he hasn't spent it already. Million fucking clams. And yes, we'll be near the, uh--some burgers, some beers, a few laughs. Our fucking troubles are over, Dude.

RESIDENTIAL AREA

The Dude and Walter are pulling up in front of a dilapidated house sitting on a scrubby lot. Parked incongruously in front of the house is a brand new red Corvette.

DUDE Fuck me, man! That kid's already spent all the money!

WALTER Hardly Dude, a new 'vette? The kid's still got, oh, 96 to 97 thousand, depending on the options. Wait in the car, Donny.

THE FRONT DOOR

Walter rings the bell. It is opened by a matronly Spanish woman.

WOMAN Jace?

WALTER Hello, Pilar? My name is Walter Sobchak, we spoke on the phone, this is my associate Jeffrey Lebowski.

WOMAN Jace.

WALTER May we uh, we wanted to talk about little Larry. May we come in?

WOMAN Jace.

They enter a dim living room and stand, looking about, as Pilar

CALLS UP THE STAIRS:

PILAR Larry! Sweetie! Dat mang is here!

There is a rhythmic compressor sound; Walter places it and nudges the Dude. At the other end of the living room a man lies on something that looks like a hospital gurney with its midsection enclosed by a motorized stainless-steel bubble. It is an iron lung, artificially breathing with distinct hisses in and out.

WALTER That's him, Dude.

VIVA VOCE And a good day to you, sir.

PILAR See down, please.

WALTER Thank you, ma'am.

He and the Dude sit on a sagging green sofa. In a lowered voice, to Pilar:

WALTER Does he, uh. . . Is he still writing?

PILAR No, no. He has healt' problems.

WALTER Uh-huh.

HE BELLOWS ACROSS THE ROOM:

WALTER I just want to say, sir, that we're both enormous--on a personal level, Branded, especially the early episodes, has been a source of, uh, inspir---

There are footsteps on the stairs. Larry, a fifteen-year-old, looks at the two men.

PILAR See down, Sweetie. These are the policeman--

WALTER No ma'am, I didn't mean to give the impression that we're police exactly. We're hoping that it will not be necessary to call the police.

He adopts his command voice in turning to Larry:

WALTER But that is up to little Larry here. Isn't it, Larry?

Walter pops the latches on his attache case and takes out the homework, which is now in a ziploc bag. He holds it out at arm's length, displaying it to Larry.

As the Dude talks on the phone he is hammering a two-by-four into the floor just inside, and parallel to, the front door.

DUDE I accept your apology. . . No I, I just want to handle it myself from now on. . . No. That has nothing to do with it. . . .Yes, it made it home, I'm calling from home. No, Walter, it didn't look like Larry was about to crack.

He finishes hammering, rises and grabs a straightbacked chair that stands nearby.

DUDE Well that's your perception. . . Well you're right, Walter, and the unspoken Message is FUCK YOU AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. . . Yeah, I'll be at practice.

He hangs up and has just finished sliding the chair into place with its top under the doorknob and its legs braced against the two-by-four, thus wedging the door closed, when the door is opened--outwards. The chair clatters to the floor.

DUDE Huh?

Woo and the blond man who earlier peed on the rug stride in, kicking the chair away.

WOO Pin your diapers on, Lebowski. Jackie Treehorn wants to see you.

BLOND MAN And we know which Lebowski you are, Lebowski.

WOO Yeah. Jackie Treehorn wants to talk to the deadbeat Lebowski.

BLOND MAN You're not dealing with morons here.

BLACKNESS

Out of the blackness something is falling toward us. It is a woman, falling in slow motion, her limbs flailing, her mouth contorted by either fear or ecstasy. She is topless. She falls past the camera, leaving blackness, then after a beat reappears, rising into the night sky.

MALIBU BEACH

A crowd of mostly tanned middle-aged men with blow-dried hair, wearing jogging outfits and other expensively casual attire, are blanket-tossing the squealing young woman in nightmarish slow motion.

WIDER

It is a party, lit by festive beach lights and standing kerosene heaters. 1960's mainstream jazz, of the Mancini-Brubeck school, has been piped down to speakers on the beach'.

In long shot now the woman rises, squealing, disappears into darkness, descends into light, rises again.

A man walks towards the camera through the pools of beach light. He is handsome, fiftyish, wearing cotton twill pants and a Turnbull & Asher shirt with a foulard knotted at the neck. Behind him, the woman rises and falls, appears and disappears.

MAN Hello Dude, thanks for coming. I'm Jackie Treehorn.

INSIDE THE BEACH HOUSE

The Dude is looking around at the '60's modern decor.

DUDE This is quite a pad you got here, man. Completely unspoiled.

TREEHORN What's your drink, Dude?

DUDE White Russian, thanks. How's the smut business, Jackie?

TREEHORN I wouldn't know, Dude. I deal in publishing, entertainment, political advocacy, and--

DUDE Which one was Logjammin'?

TREEHORN Regrettably, it's true, standards have fallen in adult entertainment. It's video, Dude. Now that we're competing with the amateurs, we can't afford to invest that little extra in story, production value, feeling.

He taps his forehead with one finger.

TREEHORN People forget that the brain is the biggest erogenous zone--

DUDE On you, maybe.

He hands him the drink.

TREEHORN Of course, you do get the good with the bad. The new technology permits us to do exciting things with interactive erotic software. Wave of the future, Dude. 100% electronic.

DUDE Uh-huh. Well, I still jerk off manually.

TREEHORN Of course you do. I can see you're anxious for me to get to the point. Well Dude, here it is. Where's Bunny?

DUDE I thought you might know, man.

TREEHORN Me? How would I know? The only reason she ran off was to get away from her rather sizable debt to me.

DUDE But she hasn't run off, she's been--

Treehorn waves this off.

TREEHORN I've heard the kidnapping story, so save it. I know you're mixed up in all this, Dude, and I don't care what you're trying to take off her husband. That's your business. All I'm saying is, I want mine.

DUDE Yeah, well, right man, there are many facets to this, uh, you know, many interested parties. If I can find your money, man-- what's in it for the Dude?

TREEHORN Of course, there's that to discuss. Refill?

DUDE Does the Pope shit in the woods?

TREEHORN Let's say a 10% finder's fee?

DUDE Okay, Jackie, done. I like the way you do business. Your money is being held by a kid named Larry Sellers. He lives in North Hollywood, on Radford, near the In-and-Out Burger. A real fuckin' brat, but I'm sure your goons'll be able to get it off him, mean he's only fifteen and he's flunking social studies. So if you'll just write me a check for my ten per cent. . . of half a million. . . fifty grand.

He is getting to his feet, but sways woozily.

DUDE I'll go out and mingle.--Jesus, you mix a hell of a Caucasian, Jackie.

The Dude shakes his head, tries to focus.

TREEHORN A fifteen-year-old? Is this your idea of a joke?

Jackie Treehorn's image starts to swim. He is joined on either side by Woo and the blond man, all three men looking grimly down at the Dude.

He squints at Jackie Treehorn, who swims in and out of focus. Tied the room together.

He tips forward, spilling his drink off the table.

FROM UNDER THE GLASS COFFEE TABLE

Looking up at the Dude as his face hits the glass and squishes.

FAST FADE OUT

BLACK

THE STRANGER'S VOICE Darkness warshed over the Dude-- darker'n a black steer's tookus on a moonless prairie night. There was no bottom.

We hear a thundering bass.

SCRATCHY WHITE TITLE CARD:

JACKIE TREEHORN PRESENTS

ANOTHER TITLE CARD:

THE DUDE

AND

MAUDE LEBOWSKI

IN

THIRD TITLE CARD:

GUTTERBALLS

The title logo is a suggestively upright bowling pin flanked by a pair of bowling balls. The bending bass sound turns into the lead-in to Kenny Rogers and the First Edition's "Just Dropped In."

The Dude is walking down a long corridor dressed as a cable repairman. The Dude's face is washed with a brilliant light as the corridor opens onto a gleaming bowling alley.

In the center of the alley stands Maude Lebowski, singing operatic harmony to the Kenny Rogers song. She wears an armored breastplate and Norse headgear, has braided pigtails, and holds a trident.

The Dude stands behind her and, pressed up against her, helps her with her follow-through as she releases a bowling ball.

The lane is straddled by a line of chorines in spangly mini- skirts, their arms akimbo, Busby-Berkley style, their legs turning the lane into a tunnel leading to the pins at the end.

But it is no longer a bowling ball rolling between their legs--it is the Dude himself, levitating inches off the lane, the tools from his utility belt swinging free. He is face down, his arms, torpedolike, pressed against his sides.

His point of view shows the lane rushing by below, the little ball-guide arrows zipping by.

The Dude twists his body around, performing a barrel-roll so that he is now gliding along the lane face-up.

Now his point of view looks up the dresses of the passing chorines.

The Dude smiles dreamily and does a backstroke motion so that he is once again gliding face-down. He looks forward and his forward momentum blows back his hair.

Coming at us, as we go through the last few pairs of legs, are the approaching pins. We hit the pins, scattering them, and rush on into black.

A body drops down into the blackness in slow motion--a topless woman, squealing, her legs kicking.

As she drops out of frame, leaving blackness again, three men are entering from the background, emerging into a pool of light. It is the Germans, advancing ominously, wielding oversized shears which they menacingly scissor.

The Dude, now standing in a field of black, reacts to the advancing Germans. He turns and runs, fists pumping.

The scissoring sound of the shears turns into the whoosh of car-bys. The field of black is punctured by headlights. The Dude is running blearily down the middle of the Pacific Coast Highway. Cars rush by on either side, horns blaring.

With the BLOO-WHUP of a short siren blast, a squad car with flashing gumballs pulls up.

SQUAD CAR

The Dude sits in the back seat, his head lolling with the motion of the car as he blearily sings the theme of Branded:

DUDE He was innocent. Not a charge was true. And they say he ran awaaaaaay.

CHIEF'S OFFICE

The Dude is hurled against the chief's desk, which he bounces off of, to come to rest more or less seated in a facing chair.

His wallet is tossed onto the desk.

The chief leans forward, takes the wallet and sorts through it with disgusted incredulity.

CHIEF This is your only I.D.?

He is looking at the Ralph's Shopper's Club card. DUDE I know my rights.

CHIEF You don't know shit, Lebowski.

DUDE I want a fucking lawyer, man. I want Bill Kunstler.

CHIEF What are you, some kind of sad-assed refugee from the fucking sixties?

DUDE Uh-huh.

CHIEF Mr. Treehorn tells us that he had to eject you from his garden party, that you were drunk and abusive.

DUDE That guy treats women like objects, man.

CHIEF Mr. Treehorn draws a lot of water in this town, Lebowski. You don't draw shit. We got a nice quiet beach community here, and I aim to keep it nice and quiet. So let me make something plain. I don't like you sucking around bothering our citizens, Lebowski. I don't like your jerk- off name, I don't like your jerk-off face, I don't like your jerk- off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk- off --do I make myself clear?

The Dude stares.

DUDE I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

The Chief hurls his steaming mug of coffee at the Dude. It hits him in the forehead with a thud, the scalding coffee splashing everywhere.

The Chief is already up off his chair, rounding the desk.

DUDE --Ow! Fucking fascist!

The Chief slaps him twice.

CHIEF Stay out of Malibu, Lebowski!

He kicks the chair out from under the Dude, and then starts kicking at him.

The Dude steps out to meet Walter's car as it pulls up, its passenger window open and the pomeranian leaning out and yapping.

DENNY'S

Four people sit at a booth: Dieter, Kieffer, Franz, all in black leather, and a young woman with long stringy blonde hair, wearing torn and patched jeans and a ribbed sleeveless tee-shirt, worn thin with age. She is apparently braless, and is teutonically pale with birthmarks on her face and arms.

Notable is her camera-side leg, which ends in a bandage-swaddled foot. Dried rust-colored blood stains the tip of the bandage. The four are arguing, loudly, in German. They seem very unhappy. A waitress enters with a checkpad and pen.

WAITRESS You folks ready?

The German shouting stops. Dieter looks sourly up.

DIETER I haff lingenberry pancakes.

KIEFFER Lingenberry pancakes.

FRANZ Sree picks in blanket.

The woman speaks to Dieter in German. He nods.

DIETER Lingenberry pancakes.

WALTER'S CAR

Walter's eyes are on the road as he listens, driving, to the Dude, whose speech is occasionally punctuated by yaps from the back seat.

DUDE I mean we totally fucked it up, man. We fucked up his pay-off. And got the kidnappers all pissed off, and the big Lebowski yelled at me a lot, but he didn't do anything. Huh?

WALTER Well it's, sometimes the cathartic, uh.

DUDE I'm saying if he knows I'm a fuck- up, then why does he still leave me in charge of getting back his wife? Because he fucking doesn't want her back, man! He's had enough! He no longer digs her! It's all a show! But then, why didn't he give a shit about his million bucks? I mean, he knew we didn't hand off his briefcase, but he never asked for it back.

WALTER What's your point, Dude?

DUDE His million bucks was never in it, man! There was no money in that briefcase! He was hoping they'd kill her! You throw out a ringer for a ringer!

WALTER Yeah?

DUDE Shit yeah!

WALTER Okay, but how does all this add up to an emergency?

DUDE Huh?

WALTER I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, Dude, he kept the money, but my point is, here we are, it's shabbas, the sabbath, which I'm allowed to break only if it's a matter of life and death--

DUDE Walter, come off it. You're not even fucking Jewish, you're--

WALTER What the fuck are you talking about?

DUDE You're fucking Polish Catholic--

WALTER What the fuck are you talking about? I converted when I married Cynthia! Come on, Dude!

DUDE Yeah, and you were--

WALTER You know this!

DUDE And you were divorced five fucking years ago.

WALTER Yeah? What do you think happens when you get divorced? You turn in your library card? Get a new driver's license? Stop being Jewish?

DUDE This driveway.

AS HE TURNS:

WALTER I'm as Jewish as fucking Tevye

DUDE It's just part of your whole sick Cynthia thing. Taking care of her fucking dog. Going to her fucking synagogue. You're living in the fucking past.

WALTER Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax-- YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I LIVE IN THE PAST! I--Jesus. What the hell happened?

He is looking off as the car slows. The Dude looks where Walter is looking.

THE LEBOWSKI MANSION

Walter's car pulls up the drive into the foreground and he and the Dude get out.

Both are gaping off at the front lawn.

WALTER Jesus Christ.

THEIR POV

Tire treads lead across the manicured front lawn to where a little red sports car rests with its hood crumpled into a palm trunk.

TRACKING DOWN THE GREAT HALLWAY

Through the French doors at its far end we can see Bunny, naked, briefly bouncing on the diving board before splashing into the illuminated pool outside. Heavy metal music filters in from a boom box by the pool.

Brandt, approaching, stoops and straightens, stoops and straightens, picking up the discarded clothes that run the length of the hall.

BRANDT He can't see you, Dude.

We pull the Dude and Walter as they approach the doors to the great study. Walter's dog follows, stiffly waving its tail.

DUDE Where'd she been?

BRANDT Visiting friends of hers in Palm Springs. Just picked up and left, never bothered to tell us.

DUDE But I guess she told Dieter.

WALTER Jesus, Dude! He never even kidnapped her.

BRANDT Who's this gentleman, Dude?

WALTER Who'm I? I'm a fucking VETERAN!

BRANDT You shouldn't go in there, Dude! He's very angry!

BANG--the Dude and Walter push through the double doors into--

THE GREAT ROOM

The big Lebowski turns at the sound of the door. His wheelchair hums as he spins it around.

LEBOWSKI (bitterly) Well, she's back. No thanks to you.

DUDE Where's the money, Lebowski?

WALTER A MILLION BUCKS FROM FUCKING NEEDY LITTLE URBAN ACHIEVERS! YOU ARE SCUM, MAN!

DUDE We know the briefcase was empty, man. We know you kept the million bucks yourself.

LEBOWSKI Well, you have your story, I have mine. I say I entrusted the money to you, and you stole it.

WALTER AS IF WE WOULD EVER DREAM OF TAKING YOUR BULLSHIT MONEY!

DUDE You thought Bunny'd been kidnapped and you could use it as a pretext to make some money disappear. All you needed was a sap to pin it on, and you'd just met me. You thought, hey, a deadbeat, a loser, someone the square community won't give a shit about.

LEBOWSKI Well? Aren't you?

DUDE Well. . . yeah.

LEBOWSKI All right, get out. Both of you.

WALTER Look at that fucking phony, Dude! Pretending to be a fucking millionaire!

LEBOWSKI I said out. Now.

WALTER Let me tell you something else. I've seen a lot of spinals, Dude, and this guy is a fake. A fucking goldbricker.

He is crossing to Lebowski.

WALTER This guy fucking walks. I've never been more certain of anything in my life!

LEBOWSKI Stay away from me, mister!

Walter reaches around from behind and hoists the big Lebowski out of the wheelchair by his armpits.

WALTER Walk, you fucking phony!

The big Lebowski waggles helplessly, his rubbery feet grazing the floor like a Raggedy Ann's. The pomeranian gaily leaps and yaps.

LEBOWSKI Put me down, you son of a bitch!

DUDE Walter!

WALTER It's all over, man! We call your fucking bluff!

DUDE WALTER, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! HE'S CRIPPLED! PUT HIM DOWN!

WALTER Sure, I'll put him down, Dude. RAUSS! ACHTUNG, BABY!!

He shoves the big Lebowski forward and he crumples to the floor, weeping.

WALTER Oh, shit.

LEBOWSKI (sobbing) You're bullies! Cowards, both of you!

Walter is abashed. The Big Lebowski flails about on the floor.

WALTER Oh, shit.

DUDE He can't walk, Walter!

WALTER Yeah, I can see that, Dude.

LEBOWSKI You monsters!

DUDE Help me put him back in his chair.

Walter moves to comply.

WALTER Shit, sorry man.

THROUGH HIS TEARS:

LEBOWSKI Stay away from me! You bullies! You and these women! You won't leave a man his fucking balls!

DUDE Walter, you fuck!

WALTER Shit, Dude, I didn't know. I wouldn't've done it if I knew he was a fucking crybaby.

DUDE We're sorry, man. We're really sorry.

The Dude has picked up the Big Lebowski's plaid lap warmer and is frantically tucking it back in around his waist and batting the dog away.

DUDE There ya go. Sorry man.

Walter, puzzled, hands on hips, stands over the big Lebowski.

WALTER Shit. He didn't look like a spinal.

TEN PINS

Scattered at the cut.

DUDE AND WALTER

Each with a beer at the scoring table.

WALTER Sure you'll see some tank battles. But fighting in desert is very different from fighting in canopy jungle.

DUDE Uh-huh.

WALTER I mean 'Nam was a foot soldier's war whereas, uh, this thing should be a fucking cakewalk. I mean I had an M16, Jacko, not an Abrams fucking tank. Just me and Charlie, man, eyeball to eyeball.

WALTER Shut the fuck up, Donny. Not a bunch of fig-eaters with towels on their heads tryin' to find reverse on a Soviet tank. This is not a worthy--

VOICE HEY!

The Dude and Walter look.

Quintana is bellowing from the lip of the lane, and is restrained by O'Brien.

QUINTANA What's this "day of rest" shit, man?!

Walter looks at him innocently.

QUINTANA What is this bullshit, man? I don't fucking care! It don't matter to Jesus! But you're not fooling me! You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus! It's bush league psych-out stuff! Laughable, man! I would've fucked you in the ass Saturday, I'll fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead!

QUINTANA

He makes hip-grinding coital motions as O'Brien leads him away.

QUINTANA You got a date Wednesday, man!

Walter, his head cocked, and the Dude, peeking over his shades, watch him go.

WALTER He's cracking.

BOWLING ALLEY PARKING LOT

Donny, Walter and the Dude emerge from the alley, each holding his leatherette ball satchel.

WALTER A tree of life, Dude. To all who cling to it.

They react to the droning synthesizer-based technopop coming from a boom box.

REVERSE

Dieter, Kieffer and Franz, in shiny black leather, stand in a line facing them in the all-but-deserted lot. Behind them orange flames lick gently at the Dude's car, which has been put to the torch. The orange flames glow on the men's creaking leather. Next to the car are three motorcycles, parked in a neat row. The Dude looks sadly at the burning car.

DUDE They finally did it. They killed my fucking car.

DIETER Vee vant zat money, Lebowski.

KIEFFER Ja, uzzervize vee kill ze girl.

FRANZ Ja, it seems you forgot our little deal, Lebowski.

DUDE You don't have the fucking girl, dipshits. We know you never did. So you've got nothin' on my Johnson.

DUDE

The men in black, stunned, confer amongst themselves in German. Under his breath:

DONNY Are these the Nazis, Walter?

Walter answers, also sotto voce, his eyes still on the three men:

WALTER They're nihilists, Donny, nothing to be afraid of.

The Germans stop conferring.

DIETER Vee don't care. Vee still vant zat money or vee fuck you up.

KIEFFER Ja, vee still vant ze money. Vee sreaten you.

He pulls an uzi from under his coat. It glints in the firelight.

WALTER Fuck you. Fuck the three of you.

DUDE Hey, cool it Walter.

Walter ignores the Dude, addresses the Germans:

WALTER There's no ransom if you don't have a fucking hostage. That's what ransom is. Those are the fucking rules.

DIETER Zere ARE no ROOLZ!

WALTER NO RULES! YOU CABBAGE-EATING SONS- OF- BITCHES--

KIEFFER His girlfriend gafe up her toe! She sought we'd be getting million dollars! Iss not fair!

WALTER Fair! WHO'S THE FUCKING NIHILIST HERE! WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF FUCKING CRYBABIES?!

DUDE Hey, cool it Walter. Listen, pal, there never was any money. The big Lebowski gave me an empty briefcase, man, so take it up with him.

WALTER AND I'D LIKE MY UNDIES BACK!

The Germans confer again, in German.

Donny is visibly frightened.

DONNY Are they gonna hurt us, Walter?

WALTER 'S TONE IS GENTLE:

WALTER They won't hurt us, Donny. These men are cowards.

THE CONFERENCE ENDS:

DIETER Okay. Vee take ze money you haf on you und vee call it eefen.

WALTER Fuck you.

The Dude is digging into his pocket.

DUDE Come on, Walter, we're ending this thing cheap.

Walter's eyes, burning with hatred, are locked on Dieter's.

WALTER What's mine is mine.

DUDE Come on, Walter!.

Louder, to the Germans, as he looks in his wallet:

DUDE Four dollars here!

He inspects the change in his palm.

DUDE Almost five!

DONNY (tremulously) I got eighteen dollars, Dude.

WALTER (grimly) What's mine is mine.

With a ring of steel, Dieter produces a glinting saber.

DIETER VEE FUCK YOU UP, MAN! VEE TAKE YOUR MONEY!

WALTER (coolly) Come and get it.

DIETER VEE FUCK YOU UP, MAN!

WALTER Come and get it. Fucking nihilist.

DIETER I FUCK YOU! I FUCK YOU!

WALTER Show me what you got. Nihilist. Dipshit with a nine-toed woman.

In a rage, Dieter charges.

DIETER I FUCK YOU! I FUCK YOU!

WALTER

hurls his leather satchel.

KIEFFER

Watching Dieter's charge, is caught off-guard. The bowling ball thuds into his chest and lifts him off his feet.

He falls back, his uzi clattering away.

WALTER

twists away as Dieter reaches him; grabs Dieter's head in both hands; draws Dieter's head up to his mouth, which closes on Dieter's ear.

DUDE

He rushes Franz but draws up short as Franz sends out karate kicks, his leather pants squeaking and popping. Franz gives a loud cry with each kick; the Dude leans back, throwing his arms up, evading the kicks.

WALTER

His jaw is still clamped on Dieter's ear. Dieter draws his saber against Walter's side, drawing blood.

Walter doesn't react to the wound. Growling as Dieter screams, he worries his ear, waggling his head with his jaws clamped.

THE SABER

Dieter drops it.

DUDE

Awkwardly circling, evading Franz's kicks.

WALTER

still worrying the ear. With a tearing sound his head and Dieter's separate.

DIETER, EARLESS, SCREAMS:

DIETER I FUCK YOU! YOU CANNOT HURT ME! I BELIEF IN NUSSING!

Walter spits his ear into his face.

DUDE

The Dude and Franz, both now panting heavily, have yet to establish body contact. Franz continues to kick.

FRANZ VEAKLING!

WALTER

draws back his fist.

DIETER NUSSING!

WALTER ANTI-SEMITE!

Bam!--A powerhouse blow to the middle of his face drops Dieter for the count.

DUDE AND FRANZ

With a piercing shriek Franz finally summons the nerve to charge the Dude, hands raised to deliver karate blows.

As he reaches the Dude--WHHAP--the boom box swings into frame to smash him in the face. Its volume shoots up.

Walter bashes him a few more times over the head. The music screeches to static, then quiet. Laid out now, Franz too is quiet.

All quiet.

Walter, panting, looks around.

WALTER We've got a man down, Dude.

With a hand pressed to his bleeding side he trots over to Donny, who lies gasping on the ground.

The Dude, also panting, rises and trots over.

DUDE Hy God! They shot him, Walter!

WALTER No Dude.

DUDE They shot Donny!

Donny gasps for air. His eyes, wide, go from the Dude to Walter. One hand still clutches his eighteen dollars.

WALTER There weren't any shots.

DUDE Then what's...

WALTER It's a heart attack.

DUDE Wha.

WALTER Call the medics, Dude.

DUDE Wha. . . Donny--

WALTER Hurry Dude. I'd go but I'm pumping blood. Might pass out.

The Dude runs into the lanes. Walter lays a reassuring hand on Donny's shoulder.

They sit side by side, forearms on knees, in a nondescript waiting area. Walter bounces the fingertips of one hand off those of the other. They sit. They wait.

A tall thin man in a conservative black suit enters. He eyes the Dude's bowling attire and sunglasses and Walter's army surplus, but doesn't make an issue of it.

MAN Hello, gentlemen. You are the bereaved?

DUDE Yeah man.

MAN Francis Donnelly. Pleased to meet you.

DUDE Jeffrey Lebowski.

WALTER Walter Sobchak.

DUDE The Dude, actually. Is what, uh.

DONNELLY Excuse me?

DUDE Nothing.

DONNELLY Yes. I understand you're taking away the remains.

WALTER Yeah.

DONNELLY We have the urn.

He nods through a door. Another man in a black suit enters to carefully deposit a large silver urn on the desktop.

DONNELLY And I assume this is credit card?

He is vaguely handing a large leather folder across the desk to whomever wants to take it.

WALTER Yeah.

He takes it, opens it, puts on reading glasses that sit halfway down his nose, and inspects the bill with his head pulled back for focus and cocked for concentration. Silence. The Dude smiles at Donnelly. Donnelly gives back a mortician's smile. At length Walter holds the bill towards Donnelly, pointing.

WALTER What's this?

DONNELLY That is for the urn.

WALTER Don't need it. We're scattering the ashes.

DONNELLY Yes, so we were informed. However, we must of course transmit the remains to you in a receptacle.

WALTER This is a hundred and eighty dollars.

DONNELLY Yes sir. It is our most modestly priced receptacle.

DUDE Well can we--

WALTER A hundred and eighty dollars?!

DONNELLY They range up to three thousand.

WALTER Yeah, but we're--

DUDE Can we just rent it from you?

DONNELLY Sir, this is a mortuary, not a rental house.

WALTER We're scattering the fucking ashes!

DUDE Walter--

WALTER JUST BECAUSE WE'RE BEREAVED DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE SAPS!

DONNELLY Sir, please lower your voice--

DUDE Hey man, don't you have something else you could put it in?

DONNELLY That is our most modestly priced receptacle.

WALTER GODDAMNIT! IS THERE A RALPH'S AROUND HERE?!

POINT DUME -- DAY

It is a high, wind-swept bluff. Walter and the Dude walk towards the lip of the bluff. Parked in the background is one lonely car, Walter's.

Walter is carrying a bright red coffee can with a blue plastic lid. When they reach the edge the two men stand awkwardly for a beat. Finally:

WALTER I'll say a few words.

The Dude clasps his hands in front of him. Walter clears his throat.

WALTER Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was. . . He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors, and bowling, and as a surfer explored the beaches of southern California from Redondo to Calabassos. And he was an avid bowler. And a good friend. He died--he died as so many of his generation, before his time. In your wisdom you took him, Lord. As you took so many bright flowering young men, at Khe San and Lan Doc and Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And Donny too. Donny who. . . who loved bowling.

Walter clears his throat.

WALTER And so, Theodore--Donald--Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your mortal remains to the bosom of.

Walter is peeling the plastic lid off the coffee can.

WALTER the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well.

AS HE SHAKES OUT THE ASHES:

WALTER Goodnight, sweet prince.

The wind has blown all of the ashes into the Dude, standing just to the side of and behind Walter. The Dude stands, frozen. Finished eulogizing, Walter looks back.

DUDE What the fuck does Vietnam have to do with anything! What the fuck were you talking about?!

Walter for the first time is genuinely distressed, almost lost.

WALTER Shit Dude, I'm sorry--

DUDE You're a fuck, Walter!

He gives Walter a weaker shove. Walter seems dazed, then wraps his arms around the Dude.

WALTER Awww, fuck it Dude. Let's go bowling.

THE LANES THE DUDE AND WALTER BOWLING

We watch each of them glide across the floor, release, follow through--gracefully. We have never seen them bowl before. They are quite good. Each wears a black armband on his bowling shirt.

BAR AREA

The Dude walks up to the bar.

DUDE Two oat sodas, Gary.

GARY Right. Good luck tomorrow.

DUDE Thanks, man.

GARY Sorry to hear about Donny.

DUDE Yeah. Well, you know, sometimes you eat the bear, and, uh.

"Tumbling Tumbleweeds" has come up on the jukebox, and The Stranger ambles up to the bar.

THE STRANGER Howdy do, Dude.

DUDE Oh, hey man, how are ya? I wondered if I'd see you again.

THE STRANGER Wouldn't miss the semis. How things been goin'?

DUDE Ahh, you know. Strikes and gutters, ups and downs.

The Stranger's eyes crinkle merrily.

THE STRANGER Sure, I gotcha.

The bartender has put two gleaming beers on the counter.

DUDE Thanks, Gary...Take care, man, I gotta get back.

THE STRANGER Sure. Take it easy, Dude--I know that you will.

THE DUDE, LEAVING, NODS:

DUDE Yeah man. Well, you know, the Dude abides.

Gazing after him, The Stranger drawls, savoring the words:

THE STRANGER The Dude abides.

He gives his head a shake of appreciation, then looks into the camera.

THE STRANGER I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there, the Dude, takin' her easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes The finals. Welp, that about does her, wraps her all up. Things seem to've worked out pretty good for the Dude'n Walter, and it was a purt good story, dontcha think? Made me laugh to beat the band. Parts, anyway. Course--I didn't like seein' Donny go. But then, happen to know that there's a little Lebowski on the way. I guess that's the way the whole durned human comedy keeps perpetuatin' it-self, down through the generations, westward the wagons, across the sands a time until-- aw, look at me, I'm ramblin' again. Wal, uh hope you folks enjoyed yourselves.

He brushes his hat brim with a fingertip as we begin to pull back.

THE STRANGER Catch ya further on down the trail.

As we pull away The Stranger swivels in to the bar. As his voice fades:

THE STRANGER ...Say friend, ya got any more a that good sarsaparilla?...