so there’s this duck rightshe can talkOF COURSEman just one time I would like to see a fairytale with animals as main characterswhere the animals CAN’T talkwatch I’ll write one right nowONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A DUCK“QUACK” SAID THE DUCKTHEN SHE PROBABLY ATE SOME BREADman okay I guess I see why everyone uses talking animals

ANYWAY there’s this duckshe has a fuckton of eggs and she’s sitting all over themand then they all hatchand look at all these adorable baby ducksholy shit these ducks are finethey are like the botox-injected love children of adonis and helen or troyor narcissus and HIMSELFbut there’s one duckwho is more like if someone tried to make a saladout of shityeah this duck is basically just a towering shit salad of wayward feathers and shameand the momma duck is like uh whoahow did that come out of meI guess I was fucked up a lot back when I got knocked upanything could have happenedbut damn

but it’s okaybecause as ugly as this duck ishis ass can SWIMhe can actually swim better than those namby pamby pretty-ass ducksbut oh wait did I say it was okay?I meant that as soon as he shows up on the farm for the first timeall the animals start throwing rocks at him like DAMN KID YOU UGLYGET OUT OF OUR FARMand then his mom is like well sonyou know what they saytrue beauty is on the insideso either you can leave right now or we will cut you open trying to find a part of you that does not look like butt

so now the duck is homelessa couple days old and fucking homelesshe wanders around until he gets to the marshesand he runs into some geeseand the geese are like yo what up uggocome be ugly over by us we don’t give a fuckin fact we’ll totally take you to this party we’re throwing laterthere’s gonna be a ton of hot goose chicks there and they are gonna be WASTEDmaybe you will get luckya little interspecies romance never hurt anyoneexcept maybe the mutant offspringand the ugly duck is bout to be all YEAHHHH LESS DO DISwhen all of a sudden one of the geese gets SHOT IN THE FUCKING HEADRIGHT IN FRONT OF HIMTHAT’S SOME VIETNAM WAR SHIT RIGHT THEREand then the other goose gets shotand the ugly duckling is just lying there in the swampwaiting to dieand a hunting dog rolls up like WOOF WOOF WOOF OH SHIT YOU’RE TOO UGLY TO BITEWOOF WOOF WOOF WOOFand runs awayand the duck is like well that’s cool I guessstill traumatized though

so then there’s a huge fucking stormand the duck takes refuge in a farmhousethe farmhouse is full of three things:a blind old womana hen that is as stupid as two hensand an insufferable catand the old woman is like OH SNAP A DUCKI HOPE IT LAYS EGGSbut of course the ugly duckling does not lay eggsbecause he is a dudeso then the hen and the cat start talking shitthe cat’s like BOY YOU USELESSBETTER LEARN TO PURR AND BE A CAT ALL THE TIMEWORKS PRETTY WELL FOR ME LET ME TELL YOUand the hen is like CLUCK CLUCK I’M A HEN or somethingand the duck is like fuck this I’m out of hereand that works out pretty well for him because the old woman was getting ready to just murder and eat him

so now it’s starting to get pretty coldand the duck is kind of worried because he has no friends or food sourcesbut then HOORAY THE DAY IS SAVEDsome farmer finds him passed out in a ditchand takes him back to his place to be a pet for his kidsbut what’s this?turns out kids are assholesthey basically just start punching the duck in the head again and againand he’s like DOUBLEFUCK THISI’M DOUBLE OUT OF HEREand breaks a bunch of dishes and escapesINTO THE DEAD OF WINTERhe sees some swans flying south for the winter but he is too embarassed to join themso instead he just sticks around and CHILLS THE FUCK OUTWHATHOW DOES HE SURVIVE?this is one lonely-ass ducklingin the middle of the goddamn wildernesswith no food and all the water is frozenand it is snowing and he has no shelterguys there is a reason a lot of birds fly south for the winterit’s because THEY ARE BAD AT WINTERbut whateverapparently he doesn’t diemaybe he chews off one of his own legs or somethingin fact yeahwe’re gonna say he chews off one of his own legsand huddles inside it for warmth?sureso then he survives the winter somehowand the next thing he remembers is he’s in a pond againand there are more of those fucking swansand at this point this duck’s mind is completely gonehe’s been abandoned by his familyhe saw the only two birds who were ever kind to him shot in the head in front of himhe’s been physically abused by childrenand he had to eat his own fucking leg to survive the winterthere’s no coming back from thatso when he sees some swans chilling out in the pondhe is like wellI really wanna go over to thembut they’ll kill me because i’m so uglybut you know whatfuck itbetter to be killed by them than spend an eternity in the hell that is my lifeyo swans whats upkill meand the swans are like what?no way dude you are totally a swan!and the duckling looks at himself in the water and he’s like holy shit you’re rightand then a bunch of kids show up like OH SNAP ANOTHER SWAN IS HERELOOK AT HOW FUCKING PRETTY HE ISPRETTIEST SWAN EVERand from then on the swan’s life is greatdespite severe psychological damagebecause now he is pretty and no one can see his missing leg under the water

so the moral of the storyis to all you ugly people out thereyou better hope to god you’re just a late bloomerbecause otherwise you are going to simultaneously starve and freeze to deathwhile your friends are executed in front of you in a goddamn swamp

8 thoughts on “Fuck you too, Hans Christian Andersen”

I always appreciated how this story basically gave all the awful awful characters a pass. It's ok to abuse the ugly! If they turnout to be pretty later you can be nice to them then. Don't resent your tormentors, kids, they're in the right!

I also like the tale of the ugly duckling who grew up to be an ugly duck but learned mad martial arts skills and kicked the shit out of all the pretty ducks until they looked as mangled as him. Now that's a moral kids can understand.

This story teaches me about more than just ugliness. It says that whatever your shortcomings, just sit around and wait for them to go away and they will. It's universally applicable to virtually anything, like being:- an untalented artist,- physically handicapped,- retarded,- or black.

Don't worry, little Timmy. You'll grow out of that Down Syndrome in no time.

"Don't worry, it's hard now but if you stick things out one day you'll find your place in the world – as long as you're pretty. And don't forget, if you're not pretty, you might as well die, because there is no place in the world for uglies."