How to Save Time

Why are you even reading this? You should be on your way to practice, rehearsal, an after-school job, a volunteer program, a club, a group, a secret society meeting, night school, late-afternoon school, or tight-rope lessons. Yes, according to 0ur research, you guys and gals are booked solid from the time you wake up until the time you go to bed. And some of you are probably practicing karate even while you sleep.

It’s a very real problem. Luckily, we’re here to help. So put down your oboe, chef’s hat, or hot-air balloon basket, and check out these simple ways to add a few more minutes to the day.

Use verbs sparingly
Conversations would end much sooner if we all omitted verbs. Instead of saying, “Jon ran home,” shorten it to, “Jon home,” and simply assume everyone will understand that he ran. Besides, who cares how Jon got home? In fact, don’t talk about Jon. He’s not even around because he ran home. So…ka-boom! That should free up some time during your day.
Roll
Have you ever seen a ball? They travel fast. That’s because spheres have optimal aerodynamics. Use this concept to increase your travel speeds. Instead of walking to class, curl up into a ball and roll there. This will not only cut down on wind resistance, but can be great fun if your class is located downhill or near bowling pins. If done correctly, the curl-up method will add an extra 46 seconds to your day—54 seconds if you’re bouncy.

Turn right
UPS company execs realized it's faster and more fuel efficient to make right turns instead of left turns, so their drivers plan routes that require as few left turns as possible. Steal this idea. Plan your routes and always turn right, even if you’re not driving, but rolling to class curled up into a ball. Doing so will save you 20 minutes a day. This is good because it will take about 18 minutes a day to map out your path ahead of time.
Make your eights with one line
Only fools who think they’ll live forever waste time drawing eights by making one circle and then adding a second circle on top. This “snowman” method eats up about 6 minutes of time over the course of your life. Whereas drawing an eight with one continuous loopy line only requires 4 minutes of your lifetime. That’s two whole minutes of free time!

Get struck by lightning
It stands to reason that if you’re struck by lightning, you’ll gain superpowers, one of which will probably be super speed. What are you waiting for? Put on an aluminum foil hat and jump into a storm cloud. (Warning: The lightning may turn you into an ugly monster with super strength, and then you will be stuck with the task of teaching the world that there is more to you than just a hideous outer appearance. You may also die of electrocution.)

Get a full-body tattoo
Who has time for dressing in the morning, then changing clothes before and after basketball practice, only to change again for piano lesson by slipping into your piano pants? Forget about clothes and simply get a full-body tattoo that looks like a shirt and slacks. You’ll still need to cover your “swimsuit area” with real cloth, but it’s much easier to tape a few pieces of felt to your body than to go through the time-eating process of putting your feet through pant legs and making sure your T-shirt isn’t inside out. This will save you 13 years over the course of your life.

Don’t go to the bathroom
We’re not scientists, but it seems logical that if you eat and drink exactly the amount of nutrients your body needs to function, then there would be no waste, and thus, no time-consuming trips to the bathroom. This will save you a few hours a year!
Ask to quit one activity
If still pressed for time, you should ask your parents if you can back off a bit on the activities, especially if it’s affecting your grades or stressing you out to the point where you’re actually considering one of our "helpful" tips. If you’re not sure which activity to leave behind, we suggest ditching archery. The world has enough archers. But stick with your puppet lessons. Your puppet skills are coming together quite nicely (finally).