Tony Hayward: You probably heard we’ve made several attempts to contain the spill. An early plan was called the Top Hat. That’s where we try to cover the leak with a large containment tank.

Steven Newman: [ matter-of-factly ] This plan did not work.

Tony Hayward: Then we tried something involving a giant tube. This plan was dear to my heart because it was a suggestion of my five-year-old daughter.

Tim Probert: It was a total failure!

Tony Hayward: We’ve also announced a new plan called… The Junk Shot. That’s where we shoot a pile of garbage AT the leak, and try to plug it up.

Steven Newman: Now, that one hasn’t failed yet… but we’re confident it will.

Tony Hayward: Those are the only plans we’ve announced so far, but, tonight, we’ve come together to assure you we have MANY other ideas. Ideas formulated by our top scientists, using state-of-the-art technology. The first plan is called… Dolphins With Mops.

Steven Newman: That’s where we round up a bunch of dolphins and Scotch-tape mops to their fins.

Tim Probert: It may not work, but, rest-assured, Halliburton WILL make a profit! [ he clenches his fist ]

Tony Hayward: Our next plan is called… The Schweppes Offensive. That’s where we fight the oil spill head-on with a bunch of club soda.

Tim Probert: Mmm-hmm. Club soda gets EVERYTHING out.

Steven Newman: Now… you might ask, “How could that possibly work?” [ he leaves it at that ]

Tony Hayward: Another idea we have is… The Oil Whisperer.

Steven Newman: Uh… we would hire someone like the Dog Whisperer, but… for oil.

Tim Probert: Mmm-hmm. And, he would go up to the oil and say, “Bad oil! Stop it!”

Tony Hayward: [ quieting him down ] And… there are many more. Like… Aquaman. Blame The French. Duct Tape. And, our personal favorite… The Back-Up Plan. That’s where we blow this whole oil mess off and go see J-Lo’s new romantic comedy, “The Back-Up Plan”! It might not help, but I think we could all use the laughs!

[ they all giggle coquettishly ]

Tim Probert: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…

Tony Hayward: No matter what happens, we just want to assure the American people that we WILL stop this leak, we WILL clean up this mess, and we WILL get back to do what we do best: Robbing you blind at the gas pump! And, finally, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”