Sunday, March 25, 2012

Single

I am once again single. I am no longer dating the nice man with three kids. It lasted 5 months, which I'm told is kind of the hurdle point for grown up adult daters. We didn't make it past that hurdle. It was me who called it. It wasn't easy. He was kind and giving and fun. But there were too many other things that didn't feel right, for me. I felt pressured into being a way that I am not. In the past I would've adapted my behaviors to the other's wants. That is my weakness, as a pleaser. I know I can't do that now. There were other divides - in what we want from a relationship. In how we communicate. In our geographies. In what we enjoy doing and how we expect the other to participate in that. And on. Not that divides aren't over-come-able. They are. But, for me, these were not. I knew it. And so I told him. And I feel terribly. I have to get used to believing that my feelings and perceptions are valid - I'm used to invalidating them in favor of the other party's, in a relationship, in a friendship, in any sort of situation at all.

I feel badly because I know he's sad and wanted to continue to try. And I hate making people feel sad. But if we'd have continued I would have been sad. So that isn't the answer.

Some might say: Jen, you just aren't ready for a real relationship. Maybe. But I don't think that's it. I'm 43. I know myself. After the last year of soul searching, I really think I know myself quite well. This wasn't it. I explored it. I learned a lot. I am grateful. But I was feeling crowded by what he needed (which he deserves) and how he communicated it. What he wants is utterly valid, it just isn't something I can provide.

And on we go.

I love what you showed me. And I wish you all that you want. And all that you deserve. And I'm sorry.

1 comment:

Jen:Thank you for all that you showed me. Yes I was/am sad but just because things are sad doesn't mean it is bad.Such is the evolution of life - you are right - and on we go.I am sorry as well. Miss you and the boys but it will be ok.Wishing for you all you deserve and peace on the journey.Loveme