The joke goes like this, with loads of variations, but this is my semi-arbitrary pick:

In heaven, the Swiss run the hotels, the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers, the British are the police and the Germans are the auto mechanics.

In hell, the Swiss are the lovers, the French run the hotels, the Italians are the auto mechanics, the British are the cooks and the Germans are the police.

And yes, I know, Italy makes Ferraris and Lamborghinis and you've been to a horrid Swiss hotel (so have I) and been Tazered by Bobbies in a hooligan riot, and found eternal love in a French bed-and-breakfast but, for now, bear with the premise, as that's not the point.

Because here's my real question: WHO ARE THE AMERICANS IN BOTH PLACES?

I think I've come up with the definitive answer, but I'd love to know what everybody else interested thinks, and if anyone is, or probably anyway, I'll be back later with my answer.

Also feel free to fill in the roles for your own ethnicity (honor system). I tossed this to a college freshman writing class and five of them said the Irish -- which I half am -- were bartenders in both places, so consider that one taken.

I lived in Europe on and off again for like.. 6 years total and I ALWAYS saw some American that fit the stereotype. I typically was the guy who'd be eating at the local joints, trying the local things and blending in (accept for my thick southern accent) and I never failed to be embarrassed by the type of tourist that wouldn't try anything aside from Cokes, Burger King/McDonalds/KFC/Ect...

I miss some of the joints I saw in Ireland and Spain particularly, but anyone that had spent any amount of time in Rota would have loved it.

The only thing I know of where American lead is still uncontested is processor design. Your choices for a PC processor are AMD (American) or Intel (American). VIA (Taiwanese) bought Cyrix (American) to continue that line for awhile, but it's pretty much been a flop.

I've heard worse stories about Canadian tourists, honestly, but that may just be me.

In Florida, we get a lot of Canadian tourists and seasonal residents. At the expense of generalizing, they are typically clueless about driving, ogle merchandise as if they were high on hallucinogens (Don't they have t-shirts up there? Why must you fondle every single one?!), but the most polite and apologetic people I've ever met.

In Florida, we get a lot of Canadian tourists and seasonal residents. At the expense of generalizing, they are typically clueless about driving, ogle merchandise as if they were high on hallucinogens (Don't they have t-shirts up there? Why must you fondle every single one?!), but the most polite and apologetic people I've ever met.

Yeah most of the snow geese we get from Canada here in the Jax area are fairly mellow and easy to get along with. Drive like rubbernecking slow pokes but nice enough folks to talk to.

In Florida, we get a lot of Canadian tourists and seasonal residents. At the expense of generalizing, they are typically clueless about driving, ogle merchandise as if they were high on hallucinogens (Don't they have t-shirts up there? Why must you fondle every single one?!), but the most polite and apologetic people I've ever met.

First, America had Heaven as "American Salary" and Hell as "American Wife". I should probably duck behind something, shouldn't I?

Second, in Heaven, America is God, in Hell, God is American. (The joke being that America running things is a large part of why Europe is prosperous/successful, but if God is actually as the Americans imagine him we're all screwed).

I would still say that in hell Italians are responsible for the power grid and bureocracy / paperwork, while in heaven it would be the Germans.

Hotels / food would not matter that terribly much, my grandfather described hell to me as a place where bottles are full of holes but girls do not have any, and I have had no reason to doubt the validity.

If we expand outside europe, in heaven Japanese only do porn, in hell they do stand-up comedy and gameshows.

In heaven, Americans are undocumented aliens. In hell, they're an occupying army.

our year-end-eve list

They're consumers of services in both

They're microprocessor designers in heaven

In heaven they provide Liberty Island and in hell Guantanamo Bay.

In heaven they are folks like my mom and dad who enjoy their trips. In hell, they're the ones we're all compared against who constantly (and at the top of their lungs) complain about how bad things are and why can't these people be more like folks back home?

In hell they provide the entertainment.

In heaven, they provide the classic good American cinema. In hell, they provide Reality TV, usually copied attempts at Euro reality.

Are in heaven as "American Salary" and in hell as "American Wife."

In heaven, America is God. In hell, God is American.

In hell, Americans provide the food: a diet consisting solely of McDonald's. In heaven, Americans provide the porn. We're still contenders for the head of the sex industry.