Have a Question?

Ellie has the answer!

Today’s Column

Connect with your crush before building expectations

When I was 21, I dated a man, 29, who worked in the same building. He’d just gotten out of a relationship and I let him know that I liked him.

He broke my heart (he was cheating and was ashamed of me).

I gave up dating and just tried to find myself. I built a wall around my heart, until now!

Back in 2013, I noticed a guy looking at me. I didn’t pay him any attention. But he was everywhere I was, at the same time, when we were at work.

My eyes would meet his and we’d just stare at each other, like he was looking at my soul (he made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world).

I didn’t want to like him or have this connection with him. Once, when I was walking to the lunchroom, he was walking towards me, but I was looking elsewhere and we almost collided.

He said, “Hi.” I said, “Hi,” and ran away quickly. I think he was trying to get my attention.

I’m very attracted to him now (he’s very sexy).

Yet I’m scared of him because he’s eight years older than me and every woman at work likes him.

But he overheard what I said to a co-worker and now he’s looking at me like he’s mad.

(I’d said that I don’t like men who are dark-skinned and short - which I didn’t mean).

If he’d stayed nearby, he’d have heard me say that “God puts people in your life for a reason… He gives you what he wants you to have.”

I don’t know whether we have chemistry. Or is he just playing games? What should I do?

Very Confused and Scared

Reality check: There’s either nothing there at all, or a curiosity/attraction on both your parts.

So first, find out whether he’s single and try to discreetly learn something more about him.

Then, start a conversation – about work, the weather, whatever.

Say that you think he misunderstood something you said, and apologize.

Don’t build expectations that you’re fated to become a couple.

Just be open to a first meeting outside of work, and treat this as a start on dating again.

Take it as it comes, not based on what you’ve so far only imagined about this man.

FEEDBACK Regarding the “other woman” who’s been waiting on her married lover’s promises for three years (April 20):

Reader – “This man is full of empty promises but it also sounds like you haven’t reached maturity to see reality as it is, and not how you want it to be.

“If he were serious about marriage and a family with you, there are at least three conversations that should’ve already occurred:

1) Both of you should already be aware of what he’ll be paying as financial obligations to his children and ex-wife, plus any marital debts, such as a mortgage.

2) You would’ve also discussed the financial impact of your life together and the cost of raising a new family.

3) If he wants to continue to be a part of his children’s lives, there would’ve been discussions about your role as the new step-mom and the commitment to raising these children under a shared custody agreement with his ex-wife.

“If these discussions have never taken place, there’s no future together.

“As much as he’s fooling you, you’re fooling yourself.”

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who wants to be involved with a prison inmate (April 9):

Reader - “Why do so many women want men who are just bad news?

“This lady has her own problems and needs help.

“Another lady who wrote that she has a boarder with benefits makes me think of the “mothering instinct” that makes women unable to see the fatal flaws in their sons and other men.

“My fatal flaw is that I’m attracted to aggressive, dominant women, and they tend not to cut me very much slack and make me do the cooking and housework.”

Ellie – As with most gender-based generalizations, your comments are limited by personal experience.

Some women are attracted to what are called “bad boys.” And some men choose aggressive, dominant women.

In most such cases, both the women and men are conditioned by their upbringing or past incidents toward these tendencies.

But they can also choose to change.

Tip of the day:

Mutual curiosity is only an introduction, not a sign that you’re suited for a relationship.