Tuesday, September 16, 2003

I'm not chunky, chubby, larger, that heavyset girl. I'm fat. I'm what doctors describe as morbidly obese. I'm the woman that you either make fun of or avoid looking at entirely. Like fat might be contagious. You know who you are. You know which one you are.

Oh, sure not everyone is like that. I've never been without a companion for more than a few weeks. I'm happily married to a man who loves me and my body. But, you can see it. The looks of 'Oh, my God' look at the fat woman. The loud obnoxious insults mainly from teenage boys about how fat, ugly, useless you are.

I've heard them all. Hell, I've pretended to ignore them all. Of course I heard you, I just refuse to give you the satisfaction of knowing how much it hurt me.

I walk away, continuing to talk to whoever I'm with, as if you don't exist. My heart tucks it away until later, when I'm alone, when I can rage at the world or cry myself to sleep.

"You worry about things that nobody else worries about. Fitting inside the booth at dinner. Being too fat for the amusement park rides. Sitting on your friend's couch and hearing a funny noise. Not being able to climb out of the backseat of a tiny car. Chafing. " (from the above linked entry by Mo.)

Been there, done that, got the too small tshirt. I've adjusted though. I'm no longer ashamed of asking for a table instead of squashing my fat ass into a booth and having to sit so uncomfortably that I can not enjoy an evening out.

I ask for a chair without arms when we're out. I'm fat, I know it, you know it, now get me somewhere I can sit without bruising my hips and thighs.

Amusement parks? Ha. Even if I could go on the rides (check out the signs, back injuries are no-nos on 99.9% of the rides) I couldn't fit my fat ass into most of them. Fuck 'em, I don't go. Your world doesn't fit me? You don't need my money.

"You never see a body like yours portrayed as sexy or attractive. " Not in the mainstream media. Fat is bad and ugly and evil and wrong. The few real fat women in the media are portrayed as clowns. Look at the Drew Carey Show. Mimi, fat woman who wears entirely too much makeup and scarily strange clothes. She's not a real person, she's a joke. She has to be, fat women aren't sexy. Hell, we're not even people.

But, you know what? There's more to the world than the mainstream media. There are alternative magazines and websites galore that realize fat women can be sexy. I look at those sites and grin. Fat women are sexy, if you think you're sexy.

Fuck the media, fuck the mainstream, fuck those who don't like us because we're not thin.

I'm standing up and being counted. I'm fat. I'm not chubby or chunky or larger. I'm huge. And I'm sexy and cute and just as much as a human being as any skinny chick.

As for my "inner fat girl"? I ate her. She tasted good with ketchup and pepper.