YOU GOT A PROBLEM? YO, I’LL (use extraordinary advances in technology and a scandalous disregard of retail costs and morals to) SOLVE IT!

Posts Tagged ‘Cyborg’

Have years of popping, locking, and general slammin’ left your back limper than Wilford Brimley’s mustache?

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Does the thought of throwing down make

your discs itch?

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Has your freeze melted?

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Well then, you need to get your hands on our patent-pending NUCLEAR SPINE!

Straight from cyborg R&D, this incredible advancement in Walktallagy ™ was originally designed as part of a grant for Congressional leaders crippled by years of falling asleep during budget meetings, but now Stuff You Need is proud to be able to offer it to the public!

A simple, do it yourself outpatient procedure is all it takes to get rid of your pulped, weak-ass, human spine and replace it with a darling of chrome and fission. Housing a lead-cooled, fast breeder reactor salvaged from a Russian naval junkyard, your new spine will give you an eternity of the brightest flares imaginable.

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So why suffer another day on the sidelines of the cypher? Get back in the battle with style and put those ‘bone-backers’ to shame with your own insane chain reaction.

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For those who act now, every purchase of a Nuclear Spine also comes with a lifetime supply of highly enriched uranium!

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(Warning: Landing a massive head drop out of a munch airflare may trigger an Extinction Level Event – please be aware of your town’s nuclear bylaws before getting nasty.)