Savage Love

Slap Happy

I'll be blunt. I dig being smacked in bed. My boyfriend is willing to do this, but seems to think twice a month is enough. When he does smack me, he only does it until I'm horny enough to let him proceed with the after-hitting festivities. He's just not hitting me long enough or hard enough, or with any variation in tools/reasons/language/etc. When we discuss it, he says, "I'm not always in the mood to do that." He also claims our roommates cramp his ability to hit me with enthusiasm, but when they're GONE he whiles away our torture time playing video games. What do I do? I've tried prying his particular delights out of him, in the interest of fair trade, but he says that we already do everything he likes. Suggestions?

-Smack Lover Anticipating Vicious Escapades

Get your boyfriend's permission to be smacked around by some other guy. Indulging your kink with a freelance smacker--and just your kink, SLAVE, no romance or sex--would get your boyfriend off a hook he clearly doesn't enjoy hanging on to. Make sure your boyfriend understands that finding someone who enjoys smacking you as much as you enjoy being smacked means he won't have to listen to you nag him about it anymore. He'll probably help you comb the personal ads.

If he agrees and you start seeing a freelance smacker you like and trust, SLAVE, then you can invite your boyfriend to tag along for torture time every once in a while. He wouldn't have to worry about roommates overhearing, and perhaps having an ass-smacking role model would help him develop a feel for it.

My girlfriend and I have a pretty relaxed stance on extracurricular activity. I mean, shit happens, right? My girlfriend also knows that it's a big fantasy of mine to have a threesome with her and another girl (no big surprise, I know). She's always told me it's a possibility, but it would have to be the right situation, the right girl, blah blah blah. Fair enough. About a week ago she comes home from a party and tells me, "Wow, things got pretty crazy and I was down in the basement with Anonymous Guy and his Anonymous Girlfriend, and well, y'know, the three of us kinda."

I was really hurt. She doesn't see what the big deal is; to her it was just wild party sex. But she knows the threesome means something to me, and I'm kind of angry that she went and did it at the first opportunity. Am I being unreasonable? Am I being a dick? Or does my reaction make sense?

-Jealous Boyfriend In Canada

Jealousy is a completely understandable and totally legit reaction to your girlfriend's recent sexual adventure, JBIC. But only an idiot would be a dick about it.

Let's say you've always wanted to visit Paris. So your girlfriend got to Paris before you. She didn't do anything wrong by going to Paris without you, and, more importantly, the fact that she's already been to Paris doesn't mean that you can't still go to Paris together. But if you're an asshole about it and you try to make her feel bad for going to Paris, JBIC, she's not going to want to go to Paris with you, now is she?

So go ahead and tell your girlfriend you're jealous about her trip to Paris, if you haven't already, but also tell her you're not angry at her for going. Then ask her to get that anonymous girl on the phone and invite her over for wild party sex with the two of you. If that's not an option, tell your girlfriend that you want to start actively searching for "the right girl" for the two of you. Make the search a game, an adventure, a thrilling trip you can take together. Don't make it a guilt trip.

Trust me, JBIC, if you play your cards right--if you can manage to be both jealous and upbeat--you're going to be in Paris before Christmas.

I am a lesbian who recently graduated from college. During my last semester I fell head over heels for one of my instructors. I have communicated with her on and off since I graduated, and we've even been out to lunch once. Then she told me she wouldn't be in touch with me for a while because she was going to be very busy this semester. Should I pursue her relentlessly or wait to hear from her? I sent her an e-mail recently and she didn't respond. Should I let her make the next move?

-The Graduate

Did you graduate from a college for the dense and dumb? This woman told you to go away, and now she's ignoring you. Hello? No one is so busy for a whole semester that she can't make time to see someone she's attracted to. And there's no need to wait for her to make the next move. She already made it: She ignored your last e-mail in the hope that you would take the hint already and go away. So take the hint, TG. Don't make her come over and nail it to the wall next to your diploma.

Recently I saw a television news report from a Third World country, and the picture was coming via video telephone. How and where can we get information on using videophones to see live sex shows?

-Pushing Porn

Remember that U.S. spy plane crew held captive by our friends in China? Remember that international crisis? Seems pretty low-stakes these days, doesn't it?

Anyway, the Associated Press reported a surge in videophone sales after CNN scooped other cable news networks with a videophone broadcast of the spy plane crew leaving China. Now all the networks and cable news channels are using videophones. But while videophone images of bombs dropping on the Taliban are making our Christmas bright, they're not gonna make pornographers rich. Manufactured in London by 7E Communications, videophones are friggin' expensive. Portable videophone units cost $7,500 (which does not include a small satellite dish), and the office-based unit that receives the video images costs another $6,500. Until the price of videophone technology comes down--way down--we won't be enjoying videophone broadcasts of barely legal black-eyed virgins in the comfort of our own homes anytime soon.

Thank you for printing STROKEME's letter and your response. I'm sure I speak for a number of LMPs (licensed massage practitioners) when I say that the only thing creepier than being asked for a handjob in our nonsexual line of work is not being asked by a guy who has a "heart full of hope." Men without the balls to be direct about what they want are irritating and can be frightening. Frustrated sexual energy gets real thick in a massage room. An hour that could be focused on helpful therapy turns into a tense nightmare when a therapist wonders what s/he should read into all that nervous energy. A direct request would elicit a firm refusal and a suggestion to seek services elsewhere.