Pizza Challenge

Written by Francis Muruli

Dear Pizza!!!

I had written you a letter. A letter of lasting longing love and sensations. Wow! In the moving mowing letter, I superlatively segregated and segmented your beauty, healthy and modernity. My angelic angel! Eve was not the last model that bewitched Adam (he must be rotting turning in his grave)

How can I define your juicy, jelly-scented, Jamaican-Japanese lips? Your parachuted my nose with a sort of ‘creating-castles-in- air” kiss the first time I saw them. Did that American somebody think she was miss world in 2010? Bwehehehest! She hasn’t seen you! Imagine she will rethink of being lesbian at your ‘waking up in the morning’ sight? (She is Christian)

Has Akuku Danger just died? Thank goodness, you passed unscathed! That man could have colorfully killed the world to be the only pupil left your eye of love.

As I tomato-sauce-mindedly think of the biology class tomorrow, I feel you have papashirandulad all my points in genetics and reproduction-wilprota style. God is proud we met but never mate! Gosh! What am I thinking? Good. Smart, clear brain… oh! God is proud, that is why the world cannot end in 2012 because we are meant to finish school by then and get married!

If you giggle the sprinkle in your wink, I, your sweetie will smear a limbo wimbo on your dimple and wipe your seatie with my unwrinkled wine bag. A description given by God himself in Numbers (Old Testament) chapter thirty something verse… ah!

I hope I have many competitors out there but do I mind especially when you love me and me alone? Do I hate the boy who speaks in an accent (and text in it too)? Nope. I pity his bad luck for eyeing you so long.

Rudisha could return your share of fame; Jelimo would not dare juxtaposing your juju-free jackpot. Did I say that you will Ocampo them? Horror no! Fate will bolt them bended. Talking of bolting, hadn’t Uasin run in front of a big, Tyson Black gay, your smile could have made him stay on the track

Who said Shakira could sin? Ghana failed because the beautiful you never resonated for worker workers. Ati Shakiran competition? By mere sight, the presidential award could have declared the other, “kubaff,” and you, “enough.”

I wanted to write you a letter and fantatrendoblously faint in your facials. I wanted you implausiblexcellently deobnoxious the hateful Spartans. I wanted to tell you that I had better die of Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (Niaje? Grab a dictionary here sweerie) than of a broken heart!

Yes. I had written a letter to tell you so much. In it I had to say this much….My dearest. Since you gave me your pregnant smile (with triplets). Everything in my life turned pregnant. The air is with your scent. The she-sunshine is pregnant with your rays. Mike Sonko’s (our new school cook) soup was pregnant with the salt in your liquid eyes. TPF4 was pregnant with Gaelle’s Nga’ng’alitalist smile and goshable lolable gosh! Tanya of Tahidi High taught she should be a Semenya… Gosh! I thought the world was not using protection and wished you could also be Pureginant with my own Obama or Osama!

I had written to you a love letter on a love a paper but my boarding master found it under a pillow and chewed it… and your boarding mistress and postman won’t allow you to read it. Nkt!

Yours lolest lolable,

Bobby broke

Mashavu ya Mwiru High.

After a week, Bobby receives a ‘massive’ via his rival’s letter!

Gosh! Gosh! Gosh! Gosh! Gosh!

Heee! Shame on you bully! Were these wishes meant for me?

Weee! Stop badgering cabbages on me! I am not a trip hit and run. Nkt.

Beee! Holy goat. Have all the shegoats died.

Yeee! Now listen to this and listen first and last!

Dear horrific rorest lorry!

I have never learnt which enzymes made you ugly, but it really worked. Oh! Forget! That is normal! Serious issues first.

Swag! Did you mention swag? I have to admit that I loved that wonderful combination you had in the show ground; yellow ‘ng’ombe’ wire cap, red track suit trouser, light bluish, greenish shirt, black T shirt for vest, cream rubber shoes and colorless socks. I thought my high school toyfriend was one of the comedians and celebrated the idea only to realize that you were in your Sunday best. Nktortoise!

Ati numbers chapter? Is numbers a book in the bible? Comparing me to miss world is an insult because you know you are lying. Praise be to the dorm master for crucifying the letter. I guess it had parroted pronunciation eras (no pun? Huh!) as usual. In the meantime, learn that I am a radical feminist (whatever that stands for. I heard my sister saying it to her EX-I haven’t said you are my ex because you’ve never been my mine. Nkt). Dare me not!

As the best student in English in our district in KCPE, I am offended when I read all these unnecessary adjectives in our writings. Style up!

As the best student in English in our district in KCPE, I am ooffended when I read all these unnecessary adjectives in our writings. Style up!

Is it true you won in the inter-multi-school eating competition? Class, villager! Class! Celebrity indeed! Tanya and Semenya are all celebrities but Tanya can never beat Semenya in men pullouts and adult movies. Oh! I also hear you went to an Animal husbandry school for a ‘field’ study! What worries me is if you went to study or be studied.

I hated the way you farted your heart off in the midst of your crowd cheering squad and meekly moved out to see the scene unfold. Poh! I need a dustbin to puke.

Thank goodness I never saw the real letter because this caricature of a letter is blinding me!

Lmaoable, goshable gosh! Gosh! Did I have time to write to you a whole page? Gosh! Nkt! {mshamba, it stand for ‘click’}.And I have wanted my blessed 2 pieces of tissue paper writing to you!

This story has been entered into the Humour-in-an-Envelope December 2010 Contest. To vote for it, please fill in your comments in the comments section and indicate a number between 1 and 10, with 1 being weak and 10 being excellent. The points will be tallied on Sunday 19th December 2010 after 4pm, and the winner announced on Monday 20th December 2010. The first winner gets KES 1000 in airtime, second winner KES 500 in airtime, and the third winner gets KES 200 in airtime.