The People I Would Date from Stanford Confessions

In a gargantuan procrastination effort, I have scrolled through every single Stanford confession and constructed the following list of proposals:

#125: I get so angry when people are always hating on the richer people on campus. We’re in college, and as college students we’re put in an environment where money no longer defines your social status as much; we’re all students. It’s great whenever an individual has aspirations to make it big because of his/her background, but I just feel like money is something that is discussed about too much at this school. People should realize what’s really important and stop obsessing about money.

I feel you. Money is not what’s important, it’s all the other stuff that matters. Like, you know, your heart and soul and personality and face. There’s so much passion in this post; clearly you’ve thought a lot about this. Are you frustrated because you’re rich and you’re tired of getting crap about it? I love me a rich boy with heart. Holla.

#129: I am Mehran Sahami’s son. He doesn’t know.

I just want Mehran as my father-in-law, is that so bad?

#139: I hate when people criticize my major. I will major in whatever the f**k I want to. Get off my case.

A few weeks ago I told someone I’m considering majoring in Science, Technology and Society and they straight up said, “But, c’mon, you know that’s the cop-out major.” Then I punched him in the face. Try telling me what to major in now, b***h. Just kidding, I laughed awkwardly and said nothing. I should have though. Anyways. You and me? We should get coffee. Just kidding, I hate coffee. We can get hot chocolate though and talk about how ballin’ we’ll be in the future despite–no, becauseof–our unconventional majors.

And actually, #127: I want to be a high school teacher but people at Stanford have pressured me into thinking I have to do something “better,”, you should join us. In fact, we don’t even have to date. Let’s just sit around and talk about how the world does not actually revolve around engineers. Please.

#192: [In Samuel L. Jackson voice] I am getting tired of all these muthaflippin posts about class on this muthaflippin page! But seriously though, I come from a comfortable background and I am TIRED of having something that is out of my control being held against me. Wealth is not an inherently positive or negative thing. No better than blaming poor people for being poor. I have no absolutely no shame in being affluent.

Right, that’s exactly what I was just saying! So… you’re affluent? Holla?

#209: I absolutely hate that so many people are obsessed with eating healthy here at Stanford. I just want some g*****n fast food.

Me too. I just told my friend and her boyfriend that they should avoid grabbing dinner tonight at Olive Garden and head over to Burger King instead. While there, I said, they should ask for crowns so they can be the Valentine Burger King and Queen of the night. Then I asked to tag along. Are you down? The crown part is mandatory.

#180: I pretended to be gay to get close to a good female friend. Now I’m a junior and all of her female friends feel comfortable enough to undress in front of me. I need to come out of the straight closet but I don’t know how to admit I’ve actively been lying over the past three years.

I don’t want to date you. I’m just throwing this one into the mix because I still laugh every time I read it.

As for #157: I’ve fallen in love with my best friend even though I got friend zoned a long time ago, I’ll leave you with this confession from University of Hawaii:

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