(Closed) Husband said "this isn't working"

If you look at my previous post (about how my husband has been giving money to help his brotheR), basically I told him that he can do what he wants but that I don’t feel comfortable with the situation and don’t want to be present when he gives him money.

Well, he called me up telling me that he’s going to stay at a hotel tongiht or his parents house because “this isn’t working” and he is FURIOUS that I would say that because it has NOTHING TO DO WITH (ME). He actually told me that he felt like cursing me out. This is a man who has always been so gentle and kind to me and now he is yelling on the phone after I told him I prefer not to be there when he gives his brother yet another check, even though his brother has a job now. He told me that if I want a man who doesnt help out others then I married the wrong man…..

Well that stinks. There’s a big difference between helping others and enabling someone to the point that you are actually inhibiting their maturing process. Your husband should care more about you than his brother, and especially side with you when what you say is for his benefit. If his brother takes top spot in his heart, well then he’s bloody right, it isn’t working – and it’s totally his fault.

@temporary: wow….. I would tell him that you are giving him space, and you want him to reflect on his actions when he calms down, and consider whether or not he overreacted.

Then I would leave him to think on things. If he thinks he was completely justified, I say eff that. If he comes to his senses and either apologizes or is interested in talking things out, I say go for that.

Wow. He is flipping out and needing space simply because you expressed your opinion? Holy cats! Give him some space and let him calm down. Hopefully you can have a calm conversation with him later. In th meantime, May I suggest that you engage in calming pleasant activities to soothe yourself? Perhaps visiting with a good friend, going out for a nice meal, a walk or whatever.

@temporary: Honey. There are a LOT of things going on in your relationship. You don’t like your husband’s best friend. You don’t like that he helps his brother. I’m not saying he’s innocent in all this, but I don’t think the “I cant do this anymore” isn’t JUST about the money issue. I think you guys aren’t communicating at ALL. I think you have totally different priorities and thoughts about what your marriage should be. Like I’ve mentioned on your other threads…. THERAPY. You need a safe, dedicated time to discuss these things.

@temporary: Whaaaat? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your SO is being a real big douche right now. I would let him go to a hotel and do whatever he wants. He has no right to disrespect you. And I would not go apologizing to him over HIS bad behavior.

Is money a touchy subject? Yes. But if two married people can’t discuss issues without cursing someone out or staying in hotel for their opinion…that’s probably a bigger issue altogether.

And based on some of the other replies here…it seems like you guys need counseling because there’s a lot more than just one thing.

Yes, let him cool down, because everything involving family is EXTRA complicated. I had something like this happening, where my FH would give his sister money or pay for things his niece needed because his sister allegedly didn’t have the money for it. I couldn’t take it anymore so I sat with him and explained the difference bewteen not having the money, and having the money but choosing to use it for something else. Therefore, if it’s not a priority for his sister, it shouldn’t be important enough for him to have to pay it or lend the money for it. But you DO need to tip toe around the matter and handle it with care.

It sounds like something bigger is going on here? Why don’t you and your husband have joint accounts and a budget? I think this needs to be sorted out pronto, because money fights are the worst.

Also, I think his relationship with his brother has nothing to do with you, and he might be coming from this angle, rather than the money angle, which he couldn’t do if you had a joint account and each had a set amount for spending money (which he could then go ahead and give to his brother if he wanted).

1. Even if you have separate accounts, you have a joint life. Any money he is taking from them that you do not agree to the usage of is money he is stealing from your life together – from his part of a future vacation or a retirement fund or a vacation home or your kid’s college or whatever.

2. He’s working longer to get money for his brother, which is time that is stolen from you. That is time with your HUSBAND that you will never get back.

3. He is placing his brother’s wants over your wants. You are his wife. You come first. If he wanted his brother to come first, he should not have gotten married. Before his family and friends and the law and possibly god, he placed you first, and now he is breaking that.

I am not sure you have really broken it down for him in that way. If not, you NEED to. It’s not just about the money, it’s about your future and his lack of respect for your opinions/time/vows.

I would seek out a good couple’s counselor, as counseling is, at this point, probably the best way to move forward. Maybe even get a financial advisor and figure out a better way to work with you guys’s money, so that if he wishes to continue giving money to his brother, it is obviously coming out of his fun money rather than anything you guys may need now or in the future. I don’t know how much he makes, but if he gets allotted $5k a month of fun money, and $4k of that goes to his brother, he may reconsider. But he’ll probably need an impartial party to break it down for him.

i think you need to see someone. i think you have severe anxiety and depression and are projecting it on anything and everyone around you. I’m saying this because i have been at a place were i thought everyone was against me and was in attack mode.

so i would seriously be calling a counsellor right now to set up an appointment.