Vetting NYT style

Before reading another word of the following, if you are unfamiliar with the definition of the word “sarcasm”, find a dictionary, look up the definition, keep it handy and refer to it as often as necessary. Also, keep in mind that if BHO/JFK had ANY past what so ever, the possibility exists that something like this would be unearthed by the “impartial” New York Times.. As well, you might want to have a copy of “For McCain, Self Confidence on Ethics Poses Its Own Risk” taken from the fetid pages of the New York Times. Imagine the NYT chiding anyone about “Ethics”…

“…Anonymous sources have revealed that in the fourth grade, an unassuming and easily led student named Barack Hussein Obama was involved in a scandalous situation that even today, sheds light upon his ethics and character.

Early in young Obama’s tenure at school, in order to spare the embarrassment of the doltish teachers who routinely mispronounced his name, Barack utilizing a magic marker, changed the name on his nametag to “Barry O’Brien.” Several individuals, under the promise of anonymity, have confided that Obama/O’Brien was involved with four other students who had acquired the answers to a math pop quiz. From that point forward, he has been forever mired within the ethical quagmire of the “Cheating Five.”

At virtually the same time, it has been disclosed that O’Brien was constantly in the company of “Icky Vicki Wiseman”, as she was known to many of the schoolyard scourges and scalawags.

Friends concerned with the budding political career of O’Brien, who was running for the presidency of the fourth grade at the time, were convinced that the relationship had become “romantic”. They intervened on behalf of the gullible and obviously smitten O’Brien.

Sources said that O’Brien got rides home from school in the Wiseman family station wagon, which obviously brings to light a glaring “conflict of interest” that the candidate should address.

Nancy P., a classmate with a bizarre “Love that Joker” kind of perpetual smile said, “He (O’Brien) is essentially an honorable person but he can be imprudent..”

The future appearances of impropriety concerned his classmates. Teddy K., a corpulent star swimmer and life saving instructor, expressed reservations over an “inordinate” number of Valentines Wiseman sent to O’Brien on a particular February 14th.

“Even our constant choruses of ‘Icky Vicki has cootie-wooties’ didn’t deter Barry” said Charles “Chucky” S. A scratch fight with Hillary R., the unusually big boned bully of the fourth grade caused the quietly introspective O’Brien to run for the fourth grade presidency against the heavily favored Hillary R. who, according to unnamed sources, used the ridiculous campaign slogan: “A lifetime of experience.” Hillary R. could not be contacted at the time of this report to confirm or deny any of these allegations. She now bakes cookies and has teas at an undisclosed location in upstate New York.

“Nobody knew who he was. He never did anything. He never raised his hand.. He just kind of sat there. I don’t think he ever turned in a paper or anything.. He never stood for the Pledge of Allegiance but that was OK with me because I hate America too” said Jimmy “Peanut” C. Unconfirmed sources have said that students mocked O’Brien over the size of his ears, causing him to recede even further into the shadows of anonymity. That was until “Icky Vicky”, the “Cheating Five” and a scrap with “Big Mama” changed his life forever.

The “Cheating Five” were led by a shady character named William “Bill” C., sometimes called “Whitey”, a transfer student from Arkansas who always wanted to play “doctor” with the girls at recess. The other students involved were identified as: Howard D., a troubled, underachieving wild eyed lad who had a propensity for eating the paste in art class and spontaneously screaming like a banshee with the least provocation. “Scary” Harry R., a wiry scamp known for his schoolyard games of chance that deprived many students of their milk money. Dennis K., an enrollee from Ohio who needed to go to the nurses office every ninety minutes for his “nervous medicines” and the vestal and unknown Barry O’Brien..

All involved in the “Cheating Five” scandal were eventually exonerated. Billy C. was transferred to another school after fellow students Paula J., Kathleen W., Juanita B. and a host of others came forward to complain that his forcible recess games of “find the pickle” were completely out of hand. Unfortunately, the gullible and pudgy Monica L. found this out the hard way. Howard D. and Dennis K. were moved to facility that could assist them with their individual “issues.” Both became part of the first “mainstreaming” experiments within the local school system. It has been theorized that Dennis K. was the inspiration for the screenplay of the Oscar winning film “Forrest Gump.” Harry R. was placed in a Nevada facility for the incorrigible where his talents in land speculation earned him an early release and even more milk money.

“Icky Vicki’s” frequency of visits at the O’Brien house caused some to ask, “Why is she always around?”

Two associates disillusioned with O’Brien spoke independently of each other and provided details that were corroborated by others. A meeting at the local “Chuck E. Cheese” was convened at which time “Icky Vicki” was “advised” to steer clear of O’Brien.

After numerous “veiled threats”, Icky blurted out that “Big Mama”, later identified as Hillary R., had forced her to infiltrate the O’Brien campaign. “Big Mama” desperately wanted to be the fourth grades class president and was proving that she could and would leave no stone unturned in pursuit of that lofty goal. It has been rumored that Icki’s confession was coerced after an afternoon of intense “water boarding” at the “Slip and Slide” outside of town. The dastardly Donald R., otherwise known as “Rummy”, the famous evil water boarder, had an alibi at the time of the Wiseman confession. He and little Georgie W. were in Texas at the time of this incident, plotting and planning to use M-80’s to blow up model skyscrapers. Michael “The Buffet Punisher” M., an amateur under card wrestler, still to this day vouches for their alibi.

These unreported episodes were uncovered through the diligence of the “impartial” media, causing former classmate Michelle O. to say, “For the first time in my life, I am really proud of my grade school.”