Sweatpants & Sanity | But, It Won’t Always Be This Way: A Testament to Depression

By Hannah Fields

The morning light filters in your window as your alarm clock announces the coming of another day. You swat at the snooze button, silently begging for only a few more moments of peace. Sleep is the only escape you’ve found these days, though you never feel rested. Once you’ve opened your eyes, you stay bundled under your covers asking yourself if you can make it through another day. You reason with yourself, promising yourself that some positive force is waiting for you while scolding yourself for harboring a sinking feeling you can’t quite explain. As time drags on, you force yourself out of bed and paint on your happy face. This is how you’ll survive another day.

But, it won’t always be this way.

You’ve begrudgingly made it out of your front door and head toward your daily destination. A certain tiredness weighs on your mind, but you try desperately to shake it away. The internal reasoning that began in your bedroom follows closely behind, nipping at your heels. It goes several ways. You remind yourself that others have it worse, you just need a better diet, you are being too negative, you only hurt because you’ve allowed selfish people to hurt you, and the list drags on and on. Your internal monologue grips at your shoulders and pushes you further into that sinking dark hole you can’t quite seem to get out of.

But, it won’t always be this way.

Being around others only helps in small doses, but all you really want is to be alone. You force laughter, though sometimes genuine, to appease the onlookers in your life. You’ve given up on several attempts at sharing your predicament with others. It always ends up the same. People brush off what they don’t understand with statements such as, “you just need to cheer up”, “try praying it away, it’s a spirit problem not a mind problem”, or “you’re always so negative, so just try to be positive.” Sometimes people don’t say anything, they just ignore you. You’ve discovered what lonely truly feels like, and having just one person attempt to understand is the only thing you ever wanted.

But, it won’t always be this way.

Nights are long when you’re trapped within yourself. You come home and sit alone, all interest in the things you once loved waning away a little bit more each day. You toss and turn in bed, your mind racing with no end in sight. You wonder what you have done wrong to deserve feeling this way. You count all the times you’ve visited doctors and all the medications they’ve shoved your way only to leave you feeling disconnected and numb. You continually feel like you’ll never be enough, that you are falling short of the person you were meant to be. There are even those certain low points where you wonder if living is even worth the trouble and the heartache. Those are the moments where you force yourself to hold on, so, instead, you cry for hours just to alleviate the unexplained ache within your soul.

But, it won’t always be this way.

How do I know it won’t always be this way? Because I’ve been where you are. I’ve struggled with those feelings for quite some time. I’ve seen the counselors and I’ve taken the pills and I’ve also let those things go. Those feelings of depression never really go away, but one day you’ll wake up and see a light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, you’ll be reminded how precious your life really is. You’ll find ways to cope with that sinking feeling that continually tugs at your heart. Some days will be harder than others, but you’ll find a resilience you never knew you had. You will find that you are stronger than you think and that this isn’t your fault. You owe it to yourself to put your mental health first. It’s a tough road, but it’s one you can make it through. It’s in those darkest moments that you have to keep moving and keep telling yourself, “But, it won’t always be this way.”

Hannah Fields isa MLitt Publishing Studies student at the University of Stirling. She has written and edited numerous articles for companies such as KCBD NewsChannel 11 and Lubbock Christian University. Hannah also fills her time blogging about everything from music to coffee to self-love.

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As someone who also can no longer drink and who deals with some stuff, I can tell you that we never want people to feel bad for making drinking references or to feel like they can't enjoy themselves around us. Offer sympathy but keep treating her as you always have. Maybe check in more. But don't grieve any harder than she is, because she'll end up carrying that, too, and she'll worry about your feelings. You sound like a good friend. Just keep being one.

Reading your post this afternoon. Did you look into my heart? My friend from college, now 30+ years ago has pulmonary hypertension and is in failing health. She’s 54 with a limited life expectancy. Yesterday, I sent a picture for cute-as-can-be mason jar shot glasses that I found in a discount store to a former coworker. We’ve kept in touch via FB and messaging. She comments the glasses are cute but she doesn’t drink anymore. Then she txts she has Lupus. The world falls from beneath me. I wondered around the store for maybe another 20 minutes. Numb. Exchanging texts with this friend. And I felt so bad about that picture. And I felt guilty for my health. And i was ashamed of my feeble replies to her. So regular sad is sometimes at the foot of my bed. Or greets me at the door after work and I find my dog has once again pooped in the house and chewed up an ink pen or shredded a book. But today I’m big sad. Last night, crawled in the covers beside me and sits just out of sight. But here. I’m ashamed of myself. With all my bills paid, manageable expenses. And now two people who have shackles of worry and fear and other feelings I couldn’t even begin to imagine. If only crawling through broken glass could convey us to the other side

My girlfriend's and I get together rarely and there's actually 2 different groups but it's always fun! They're infrequent but always special! I am the type of person that rolls with the flow and if we can arrange it, great! But it's not expected or required and that makes our get-togethers special!