Thursday, 31 July 2008

Hot off the press another MF exclusive - Not since the fall of the iron curtain have the US government been so lazer focused in targeting dangers to the very fabric of society as now... with ther crackdown on the gutter life that is, erm, normal everyday people who enjoy the occasional game of poker online.

In the latest high profile crackdown the Feds today took the spare change from a pair of designer jeans that Bodog's Calvin Ayre left in the washing - and impounded it.

Ayre, who is famous for paying his own press department to constantly call him an 'international playboy', was unavailable to comment immediately on why a gentleman in his 50's would wear jeans which fit a little too tight around the crotch, or why he had $24 million in the back pocket.

A Bodog insider stated that very few players at their notoriously clunky poker site should be affected - as the $24 million siezed was probably only going to be laundered anyway*. "Well, so few players actually ever cash out that it is hard to see who is going to be affected" our insider told us, continuing. "Bodog are proud to bring you bad poker software which is completely free of whining Canadians, and will be happy to consider the question of cashing out if and when one of our players gets to that point".

Melted Felt can today exclusively reveal that, just a month after the delayed launch, sales of a new poker book have plummeted.

"Winning Poker Tournaments One Hand At A Time" by Eric 'Rizen' Lynch, Jon "Pearljammer" Turner and Jon "Who?" Van Fleet got off to a strong start, selling more than 1000 copies in its first 2 weeks. Sales since then have ground to a virtual standstill as every single one of the trios opponents in the $50 and up online poker tournaments have a copy - and nobody else gives a flying f-ck.

Originally due out in the new year, Winning Poker Tournaments was delayed several times as porky pro Rizen kept submitting his favorite cake recipies. Eventually convinced to write some poker content, and after last minute meetings to convince the publishers that a couple of people had actually heard of Apestyles the book came out.

Melted Felt interviewed a random opponent who regularly meets the guys in the nightly online tournaments and asked his opinion of the book. "Well, I have now made some new notes on Pearljammers hand ranges from early position, figured a perfect strategy to counter Ape's bubble play and have realised that typing 'hmmm, big tasty apple pies with delicious vanilla ice-cream' will almost always get a free showdown from Rizen" said our anonymous contact.

Numerous follow-up marketing strategies are being considered, including making it clear to the poker book buying population that they had better get a copy, or we'll send Pearljammer round..

Sunday, 27 July 2008

Two boffins, in a rather small and completely meaningless study, have come to the conclusion that online poker players are degenerate f*cking sickos who need to be protected from their own tendency to over-value unpaired high-card hands from out of position - Melted Felt can exclusively reveal.

The study, carried out by Kathryn LaTour, of the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, and June Cotte, of the University of Ontario, Canada, came to the following conclusions when comparing online to live gamblers:

1) Online Gamblers were 134% more likely to be using their Mom's credit card.

2) Online Gamblers were complete f*cking liars when it came to losses, with up to 4 million of them 'opting out' of sharkscope to hide those ugly downward sloping graphs.

3) Online Gamblers were more likely to insult players at their tables, since they were usually 100's of miles away and could not be given the beating that they so fully deserved.

4) Live Gamblers were really very nice respectable family people who were spending their liesure time exercising their all-American right to freedom of choice

5) While Online Gamblers... were sick as f*ck and without academic help would turn the US and Canada into something similar to Afganistan on a bad day.

The conclusion of the report is that the current US Ban on online poker is not working and 'regulation' is the answer. And like all meaningless studies by freaky academics, calls for more research by freaky academics to better understand some twisted world-view on a subject.

Fine Docs, Melted Felt can hear you in some respects on this - but really - where did this assumption that regulation would allow players 'in trouble' to 'get help' come from?

After all, online poker playing sickos all think they are the next Stu f-ing Ungar, they are not going to be calling your poncy academically-researched 'hotline' and crying about being a fish - no way jose - these kids are going to bore their mates to death with bad beat stories and reload (just one more time) with Moms card... but then again, if your regulation = = legalisation of payment transfers we are all for it!

Everything here at MF is yet another exlusive, and this interview is no exception. Today we are happy indeed to bring you an interview with 'Dave' the total psycho from the top-right corner of the tables on Party Poker, famed for being the worlds most CPU-Intensive poker software client.

Melted Felt: So, erm, Dave - thanks for agreeing to be interviewed - how are you feeling today?

Dave: I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

Melted Felt: oh ... right, so how did you first get into online poker then?

Dave: I like to dissect girls. Did you know I'm utterly insane?

Melted Felt: Sure, Dave, erm, well, we were hoping to give our readers some poker related content here.... may, if you do not mind that is, we ask - how do you prepare for those long days at the Party Tables?

Dave: In the morning if my face is a little puffy I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.

Melted Felt: Now, Party has a reputation for being one of the fishiest online poker sites - would you agree that the tables are still as juicy as ever?

Dave: Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent.

Saturday, 26 July 2008

In a city-wide crackdown 50 people were arrested this week for playing short-stacked no-limit holdem and going on and on (for crying out loud they went on) about losing 70 / 30 or 60 / 40 flips.

The illegal gambling dens were business establishments, a police spokesman said yesterday adding, "We received numerous complaints via our global intelligence services that Canadians were total f-cking whiners when they lost a pot online" continuing, "they jusy moan on and on about it in the chat box far too much - and this is, in fact, damaging the reputation of our country around the world"

City officials did not think that the small fines and stiff talks from police went far enough. David Miller - the mayor of Toronto was quoted as saying, "Canadian short-stackers are not only letting themselves down, they are letting the country down" calling for all Canadians to buy-in for at least 60BBs he covered the topic of whining "come on folks, remember that your long term ev is improved when you get your money in good - whether or not you win the pot on each occasion, I urge all Canadian citizens to use proper bankroll management and to shut the f*ck up with your girly whinging in the chat box if you lose a pot - ok?"

We went online to ask a Canadian player for his reaction... but all we got in return was "uh, nice call pre-flop - donkey"

A momentus decision was taken during this summers college break by one Brian Smith, from London England - Melted Felt is pleased to exclusively report.

Brian decided to give up his education as an undergraduate mechanical engineer and promising middle-class future for a life spent driving a fork-lift truck in 12 hour-shifts to support a wife and 4 knife-wielding, pot-smoking 9 to 13 year old hoody-wearing kids in a local-authority housing complex in Wandsworth.

Of course - that is 15 years from now.

Back to the cold reality of 2008 and we find Brian explaining carefully to his dubious mother how he had a natual talent for poker, had worked out that by moving up from 25c / 50c to $1 / $2, adding 4 more tables and getting the best rakeback deals available from those nice people at rakeback-planet. he would make $120,000 per year.

Brian elaborated that he was following his heart and would never be happy with a great circle of friends, active life with an interesting career. That he was fully prepared to 'live the dream' of sitting in a darkened room for 10 hours a day in complete isolation clicking buttons on his mouse and typing 'retard' into the chat box.

15 years after Brian realised that his 3000 hand 'winning sample' was in fact entirely attributable to just 3 lucky suckouts we asked if he has any advice for aspiring online-poker pros thinking about dropping out of college today?

Coughing up lumps after inhaling deeply on a supermarket own-brand cigarette, Brian encouraged all players to make the jump - explaining that he was a fantastic poker player in his day... just a little 'unlucky'.

Thursday, 24 July 2008

Another MF exclusive - this time on the rather tired and dull subject of the twin rigged, mafia-run money-laundering fronts which also provide online poker for gullible children...

Ultimate Bet and Absolute Poker have been stealing money separately for years - and now they plan on merging onto a single network to create a single bigger and better theft machine.

Pooling together their players onto a network called 'The Cereus Poker Network' will commence soon. This will bring synergies undreamed of by players on either network individually including:

- You can play safe in the knowledge that the guy sat next to you has a better rakeback deal!

- Everyone can experience the bonus-whores at Absolute and go for 3 rounds of the table without seeing a single raise!

- Combining the player pools will make the Cereus Network the 67th largest with a grand total of 254 players online simultaneously at peak times!

- One or two of the supposedly guaranteed prize pools in the UB tournaments might actually get paid too!

- Both websites will be adorned with pictures of Phil Helmuth Jr's flappy neck... euchhh.

In a cheap press release the new company expressed a great enthusiasm for moving forward, admitting that many of the previous issues had been caused byhonest staff, spokeswoman Annie Duck said. "Combining our customer services, payment and security teams will give the Cereus network an unprecedented opportunity to fire the honest staff members" continuing, "this means no more leaks, rumors or funny-business, we'll be able to steal money safe from any prying eyes".

The Poker Player's Alliance - Famed for taking millions in donations and doing less than f-ck all of any use to poker - stopped counting their big piles of cash for a few minutes yesterday in order to divert attention from their own inadequacy, by pointing the finger at Ultimate Bet.

In a long and dull press release Alfonse D'Amateo (pictured) basically said the following.

"Ultimate Bet Cheating is very very bad, very very very bad and not very good at all - unlike the PPA who are simply great" adding "The Kahnawake Gaming Corporation are very naughty, very very corrupt and very very very bad men - compare this to the PPA, who - though totally impotent - are really nice chaps who support your rights to play online poker completely"

Finishing "Absolute Poker are also bad, very rigged, very very very rigged indeed - while the Poker Player's Alliance are not rigged at all... in fact we are totally open about receiving donations and will endeavor to provide the best service we can to online poker, as long as it does not cost us anything"

Well Senitor D'Amateo, thank you very much, rumor has it that UB will shortly strike back with a press release showing photos of the PPAs D'Amateo and Pappas dressed in rubber gimp suits.

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Annette Obrestad, the prodigy from Norway famous for eating a lot of pies and winning some poker tournaments landed in hot water yesterday - alienating her entire army of low-limit fans and getting banned from Poker Stars too.

Playing under her online pseudonym Annette_15 in the $100 rebuy on Stars, the poker pup decided to have some fun by agreeing to push all-in with junk with another online pro Charder... The chubby prodigy of the virtual felt then thought it would be funny to post the mail received regarding an investigation into possible collusion by Poker Stars - see the entire chat transcript in this Pocket 5's Thread .

As the reverberations were felt throughout the online poker world, Melted Felt caught up with a distraught Norwegian fan of Annette_15 for the inside scoop. Tore Wooljumperson, micro-grinder from somewhere very cold in Norway gulped down a herring and sobbed over the $3+rebuys as he told us how devastated he was.

"Annette has shown contempt for her fans, yes. By wasting the same as the entire bankrolls of her fans for only fun having, yes", scoffing a large slab of pickled herring, Tore continued, "Ve are spending many months to getting the money, yes, now Annette shows she did not care about fans and holds the wery persons, yes, she came from just small numbers of years, yes, ago in complete contempt".

We complimented Tore on his very nice patterned sweater and left him to his herrings - instead continuing the quest for quotes on Miss Piggy Obrestadts waste of cash on a more global scale.

Verkeet, walking the 7 kilometers to the nearest well in a run down corner of Nepal had no idea what we were going on about.

Ammassi, a 5 year old African girl who lost her parents to aids did not respond to our questions.

Luke, Who was dying of cancer and whose familiy could not afford his final wish of a trip to the Kennedy Space Centre had never heard of Annette either.

Sunday, 20 July 2008

As The 'Large Hadron Collider' enters the final stages of testing before becoming the worlds largest particle-accelerator, its mission has been sensationally switched - Melted Felt can exclusively reveal.

Based in CERN, Switzerland - the collider was due to accelerate protons to nearly the speed of light while physists shouted "weeeeeeeeee", the idea being to smash the pesky particles together creating smaller particles called quarks - or if the world runs-bad that day, mini-black holes.

However, just as the final stages of cooling were underway the mission of the whole establishment has been switched to unravelling the mysteries of Intellipoker players in Poker Stars.

As soon as the magnets reach 1.9 degrees Kelvin (the point at which even vodka freezes) two Intellipoker players will be accelerated to almost the speed of light and then smashed together. The specific hypothesis that boffins are trying to test is for the existance of one of the rarest sub-atomic particles of all... thought to be one of the building blocks of the early universe the "CallingStat Ion" should be seen (briefly) popping out of the mush of the collided players.

Friday, 18 July 2008

Nelson Mandela has used the worldwide media publicity for his 90th Birthday celebrations to call for Poker Stars to bring back the 10/180 non-turbo SNG tournaments.

Mandela, who - for a bet - took his name from Student bars in universities worldwide, famed for being in prison and once meeting the spice-girls, expressed his concern that stopping the popular $10 10-table SNGs is actually the single largest social issue facing the world today.

"We have tried to stop war, hunger, disease and discrimination for many years", Mandela was quoted as saying yesterday, "but really all that happened was a bunch of lefties with sandals and round glasses got in a room and debated it - so we gave up with all that c*ap".

"Before I die I would like to see the biggest of the world's wrongs corrected once again", adding, "the turbo 12/180s are not the same game - and I believe that the speedy blind structure is designed to make more rake for the company... a whole generation who grew up on the non-turbo 10/180s is now living with anger and dejection - do they step down to the 4's or move up to the 20's??"

Asked to comment on Nelson Mandela's comments Poker Stars released the following statement, "Look out for the 'Nelson Mandela' turbo FPPs MTT freeroll series of poker' soon, guaranteed to make Full Tilt Poker look Sh*te"

In another Melted Felt exclusive we bring you news of the desperate measures being taken by one Chief Joe Norton to keep the corrupt poker-world filling his pockets.

The Kahnawake gaming corporation have been over-seeing the likes of UB and AP's superusers, Full Tilts 'zero cashouts rule' and Bodog's 'no fold button' cash game policy for years in exchange for a few smokes and the odd few million dollars here and there.

In order to prevent an exodus of dodgy poker sites to the isle of man, the chief allegedly 'arranged' for some key figures in the industry to wake up with horses heads in their bed.

Asked to comment on the allegation that the (entirely legitimate) gun running, drug dealing and money laundering operations also included the OMG its TERRIBLE theft of a few bucks from poker players who were not smart enought to realise - the chief replied:

"What's the matter with you? Is this what you have become, some Hollywood finnichio that cries like a woman?" continuing, "Someday, and that day may never come, I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day accept this justice as gift on my daughter's wedding day."

Not quite sure what the Chief had been smoking we asked about the rumor that Russ Hamilton woke up with a horses head the day of his 'poker road' interview.

""Call a meeting, my friend, so there are no debts or grudges -- we will make the peace, you and I." replied the chief, adding ""Some day, you may have to do a difficult service for me."

Wednesday, 16 July 2008

In yet another Melted Felt exclusive, we are happy to bring you an interview with a familiar face at Full Tilt Poker. Yes, the usually silent Shark consented to an in-depth interview yesterday between moaning about suck-outs in mid-stakes cash games.

MF: How did you get started in online poker?

Full Tilt Shark: Well, when I decided to be a vegitarian at an early age and restricted myself to a diet of aglae and sea cucumbers. When the other sharks found out that the sea cucumbers were actually animals they laughed so much that they hounded me out of the pod... luckily I met a friendly crab called Mick who taught me 2-7 triple draw.

MF: So you did not enjoy scoffing down a tasty dolphin or two?

Full Tilt Shark: No, I have always felt a little queezy at the site of blood. It is such a macho-society under the sea, but I always preferred to hang out with the girls - you know gossiping and making sure the youngsters never got barnacles.

MF: Ummm, ok... How did you go from being a run-away gay shark to a pro-avatar at Full Tilt?

Full Tilt Shark: It was good fortune really, an opening in underwater world Las Vegas came up, you know - swimming around looking butch for people in a glass tunnel... I supplimented my income by playing 2-4 Limit at the Wynn, where I was talent spotted by Howard Lederer's pet Tuna.

MF: How does it feel to be the top choice avatar for 18 to 21 year old males who feel like their opponents should have more respect for their raises?

Full Tilt Shark: Well, simply great, all those young men demonstrating their high levels of machismo by typing 'retard' into a chat box from 100's of miles away from their opponents really get my cold blood pumping.

MF: Well, Thanks for your time, any final message for all of your fans?

Full Tilt Shark: My pleasure, I would just like to thank all of my fans for demonstrating not just their tolerance, but their virtual declaration of support for gays worldwide by choosing me as an avatar - next time someone types ' f-ing donk' into the chatbox with me showing, just think to yourself what a loving and socially tolerant individual is sitting behind the screen.

Tuesday, 15 July 2008

A big row broke out over the World Series felt yesterday when Tiffany Michelle, the first (even slightly) attractive female poker pro to bubble the final table was caught 2 timing Poker News and Ultimate Bet.

Speculation is rife throughout the poker world as to the reasons. Tiffany 'Hot Chips' Michelle is thought to have been in a long term relationship with Poker News who paid her tournament buy-ins in exchange for wearing bad hats.

When 'new kid on the felt' UB impressed her with the size of its package*, promising a super-user account and to immediately stop photo-shopping pictures of poker granny Annie Duke - Tiff could not resist.

Poker-News, devastated with the breakup of their relationship at first tried to wooo Tiffany back. Promises to cut down on nights out with the boys, to give up smoking and to be a little less selfish in bed were all in vain. Bouquets of red-roses, loving poems and desperate calls to her friends to 'talk her round' followed - but also to no avail.

When Poker-News turned up in person to tearfully ask Tiffany for 'just one more chance, please', UB stepped right in to ask 'Is this established poker portal bothering you at all?', puffing out its considerable chest in the process... Poker-News spun away - storming out of the Rio, determined to spend the rest of the day typing press releases claiming the Ulimate Bet are a bunch of cheats...

With the latest damning evidence in the UB cheating scandal pointing firmly to founder Russ Hamilton yesterday, it would appear that the online poker had hit a new low ebb.

However, Melted Felt can exclusively reveal that Hamilton - who filled his boots with dollars courtesy of bad high-stakes cash game players at Ultimate Bet - has received numerous messages of support from some of the worlds acclaimed business leaders, politicians and financial specialists.

Kenneth Lay, former boss of energy giant Enron, was quoted as telling Hamilton not to worry about a few million here and there was chump change, and that blaming the accountants was always a viable option.

Dick Cheyney, who famously landed prestigeous government contracts for his old chums at Halliburton also chimed in with a message of support, stating - "Poker has been corrupt since the first hand was dealt in that Western with Clint Eastwood in it, you were only taking your share to re-invest for the good of the American people Russ" adding "oh and when those pesky online players say bad things just raise an eyebrow and say 'sure kid, all online poker is perfectly safe' followed with a knowing wink"

Bill Gates, coming out of retirement early stated that he would have preferred to see some corporate bully tactics, in which UB deceived the poker world into putting rivals with better software out of business.

And finally we get to Nick Leeson, who has been out of work since accidentially bringing down Barings Bank in the 80's. "Looks like you got caught too easily Russ" he was quoted as saying yesterday, "I'd be happy to act as a consultant for a more complicated version next time - all I ask in exchange is for one of those super-user accounts...."

Melted Felt would like to take the opportunity to strongly condem the illegal filling of pockets with cash from UB's owners - and also ask the question "did anyone really believe this business to be 100% honest?"

Sunday, 13 July 2008

With just 79 players left in the field of this years World Series Of Poker the uncomfortable possibility of Phil Hellmuth jr - 11 times bracelet winner - winning the main event is being discussed on chat and forums worldwide.

Hellmuth, known for his flappy neck and over-confident manner already has an ego the size of a medium-sized gas giant. Today Melted Felt can exclusively reveal that the prospect of a Hellmuth win in the 2008 WSOP would actually trigger the end of poker - forever.

Online sites, casinos and poker players (both pro and recreational) worldwide have signed a special pledge that would see the game stopped immediately should Hellmuth win. Any reference to the game would be destroyed and speaking about poker would become a firmly established social taboo.

Special booklets on dealing with Hellmuth's ego would be dispatched in 89 different languages and include detailed 'blank stare', 'pok-what?' and 'why don't you have a nice sit down' instructions. There would also be a section on how to snigger at the mention of the word 'bracelet' without escalating any potentially dangerous situation.

While for millions of players it would be a shame to give up the game they love, the alternative of listening to Hellmuth for another 5 years is just too much to handle. We at Melted Felt are already looking forward to the 2009 world series of Spades...

Saturday, 12 July 2008

In an effort to make online poker as friendly and loving as a f-ing hippy commune (though not as smelly), PokerStars have introduced the 'chat nazi' button - right underneath the dealer tray

This button will summon a moderator to your table the next time you are feeling bad about bubbling a tournament to a 2-out suckout. The moderator will then laugh with joy as they vigorously rub salt into your wounds by giving you a 3-month chat ban.

Being PokerStars, they have actually taken the nazi-chat button concept one step further and are asking all of their players to report the following:

ALL CAPS: Anyone found chatting in Caps only will be immediately relegated to the play-money tables, on account of the fact that they are 12 years old.

'Nice Call Pre-Flop': Use of this phrase is not only banned, it will result in an automated note being placed next to your icon in red flashing letters saying 'Can't Play Post-Flop!!'

JokerStars': When that river-card beats you, it is important to resist the urge to imply that the site is rigged... not only does it annoy them, the new 'chat-nazi' system means that they'll round up your entire family, good / close friends and favorite pets and whisk you off to the gas chambers at Auschwitz

The 'Chat-Nazi' button is in beta-mode at the moment, if this is deemed to be a success there are several more buttons to look out for... the 'My-Dad-Is-Bigger-Than-Your-Dad' button is proving difficult to code, however the 'Explode-A-Whiner' is coming along nicely and the much needed 'Auto-challenge-someone-you-disagree with-to-50-100-NL-Heads-Up' button is almost ready for implementation.

Thursday, 10 July 2008

With signs that the 10c / 25c No-Limit Holdem tables becoming increasingly competitive - Melted Felt can bring you exclusive news of a new poker world record in levels of thinking.

Yes, yesterday in a $4.25c (after rake) pot on Titan Poker, Niels - an avid Dutch poker player - found that he could not justify his river call with his missed ace-seven using the conventional logic involved in poker.

Fortunately for Niels he decided to take things one step futher and really get into the psychological battle involved in the hand... and ended up thinking on the 38th level!

"I had just lit a joint, having finished my shift growing tulips at the windmill, washed down a big ball of Edam with some Heineken and taken my clogs off for the day" recalled Niels, "I wanted to call my opponents bet but could not see a hand that I could beat that could make the large river bet" continuing, "based on thinking what my opponent had I was in trouble, and also when we looked at what my opponent thought I had it looked like a van Gogh's ear of a situation to me".

"Next I tried thinking about what my opponent thought I put him on - based on my bets... still no good for a call". Niels went on to tell is that finishing the joint quickly enabled him to reach the 38th level of thinking and make the call "It was necessary to work out what he thought I thought he thought I thought he thought I thought he thought I thought he thought I though.... etc... I was holding - it then became clear that my ace-seven was an easy call, the same as most other hands where my opponent does not bet all-in"

After considerable efforts we managed to catch up with Derek from County Cork, Ireland who was in the hand and explained the levels of thinking record being used against him. "No idea what you are talking about, to be sure to be sure (!)" said Derek, "I had a pair of Jacks and noticed that the Dutch guy was playing every f-ing pot".

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Concern was rising at the end of yesterday as the 4th 'Day 1' of the World Series of Poker managed to pass off without any incident whatsoever... bringing the total of completely dull days to 4 of 4.

Journalists from around the world were left wringing their hands and hoping for 'something to happen - anything' as only a single bad beat story involving 2 players nobody ever heard of graced the entire 4 days (fortunately, it appears that all 375 live journalists present coincidentally happened to be watching table 93 - 4 from the left in row 3 - at exactly the right time to catch this).

Looking forward to a yawn inducing start to the 'day 2's ', where some players will bust and others win chips, the collected Poker Media are thought to be considering all options. Since Pink Bunnies are now thought rather passe, a poker version of the annual Pamplona (Spanish) 'Bull Run', spiking of all drinks with odourless pure alcohol and a special 'voodoo priestess' service for pin-sticking anyone who bad-beats you have all been considered...

In the end the anti-climax that is this years WSOP is probably already beyond rescue... Melted Felt will, however, be keeping a close eye out for the release of 50 live scorpions during blind level 14.

Sunday, 6 July 2008

Bill, an aspiring poker pro and currently a low-limit grinder from Seattle, WA returned home - along with millions of others - for a family 4th of July celebration this weekend.

Melted Felt insiders can exclusively reveal that Bill's hopes of really proving to the folks that he made a great career choice were somewhat dashed.

After an hour of listening to his brother Will talk about the finance business in which he is a senior partner, his sister Jill talk about how successful her husband Carl is in the pet food industry and various nieces and nephews screaming and shouting.... Bill decided it was time for the 'big announcement' that he had been saving up - and started hitting his glass with a fork to bring silence to the table.

Proudly standing to give his announcement, Bill cleared his throat to tell everyone that since his last visit 2 months ago he had achieved 6 PTBB/100 at 50NL over 18k hands!!!

Silence you could cut with a knife lasted an eternal 2 minutes, only broken by his great-aunt Dorothy asking whether this was something to do with that new-fangled Dungeons and Dragons.

Bill, defending his idea blurted out that this was a major success and that many players rarely reach 4 PtBB/100 - quickly adding that while some people appear to have better results their sample size is too small and so their results can be explained by varience alone.

The final nail in our aspiring pro's coffin came from his sister Jill, who - with a slightly puzzled look on her face - asked "Isn't online poker illegal??"

Saturday, 5 July 2008

Shockingly, David Sklansky's 'About The Author' Page from 'NLHE Theory and Practice' was hacked yesterday, we at Melted Felt feel that the change from 'gambling' to 'beards' was a 100% improvement... look out for Part #2 any month now when Barry Greenstein replies.

About David Sklansky

David Sklansky is generally considered the number one authority on beards in the world today. Besides his twelve books on the subject, David has also produced two videos and numerous writings for various facial-hair publications.

More recently David has been doing consulting work for shaving and trimming companies. He recently invented several beard-games including 'merkin challenge' and 'all-in sideburns'. David attributes his standing in the beardy community to three facts:

1. The fact that he presents his beard as simply as possible (sometimes with Mason Malmuth and now with Ed Miller) even though these beards frequently involve concepts which that are deep, subtle, and not to be found elsewhere.

2. The fact that what he articulates can be counted on to be accurate.

3. The fact that for many years a large portion of his income was derived from beards (usually full-beards, but occasionally goatees, moustaches and big-fluffy sideburns).

There is little doubt that the majority of successful beard-wearers today attribute a great deal of their success by reading and studying Davids beard.

Friday, 4 July 2008

In the first of several exclusive profiles of online poker professionals, Melted Felt is today delighted to bring you the bio of Full Tilt's Turtle.

Born near Jaco, Costa Rica as one of 527 siblings, the Turtle had a traumatic start to life with land, sea and air based creatures all trying to eat him. It took a while after this for our damp friend to come out of his shell.

Later on, having exchanged the vastness of the Pacific Ocean for an ornamental swimming pool in Las Vagas, the turtle ground his way up from the lower limits, regularly using his 'ever-so-sweet' image to stack so called 'internet-pros' coming into town for the first time determined to play their brand of chip-spewing poker.

The turtles big break almost came in the 2003 World Series Main Event where he reached the final two tables with a commanding chip lead. Just as the tables were about to be combined into one, the Full Tilt Turtle was completely overcome by an overwhelming desire to migrate... how different poker history might have looked had the turtle been the winner instead of the ugly lump of a man that is Chris Moneymaker.

Taken on by Full Tilt in 2006 the Turtle's image now graces tables from the micros right the way up to the smaller buy-ins where he indicates as clearly as daylight that the player behind is as weak-tight as they come....

Thursday, 3 July 2008

Melted Felt is sorry to have to break the news that, Pete - an aspiring poker pro from Dallas - yesterday threw in the virtual towel by ending both his blog and his '$237k Poker Bankroll Challenge'.

After a promising start to his online poker career during which Pete turned his initial $100 deposit into $607 over a month at 10c / 25c No-Limit Holdem, things started to go down hill.

Like 99% of poker players, Pete assumed he was naturally better than 99% of other poker players without having ever knowing how to spell 'strategy'. This assumption, confirmed by his initial wins, lead him to start a poker blog in which others could follow his destiny, to win hundreds of thousands of dollars at the virtual tables...

However, the confident tone in which Pete published bland hand histories and bankroll updates was soon to give way to a succession of easily avoidable bad beats. Worse was yet to come as the same bad beats were put together in Pete's 'unified theory of why it is impossible to beat the donks', a rationalisation that proved (however much loose passive horrible poker he played) that he was genuinely good - just 'unlucky'.

The final warning signs started flashing just 4 months later when blog posts all seemed to start 'Sorry I have not updated for a while...'.

While Pete has decided to end his challenge and blog that chronicled this, he actually forgot to tell anyone.... meaning 'my237kpokerchallenge' will join the massed ranks of abandoned poker blogs. The good news is that Pete, responding to an advert in his favorite football magazine, is now the proud owner (for just $69.99) of a system which is guaranteed to beat the sportsbooks week after week after week....

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

While the rest of the online world indulge in wild specualation, conjecture and pure guesswork - Melted Felt can today exclusively reveal the real reason for the departure of Eric 'Rizen' Lynch from the ranks of UB online pros after just a single month.

Popular lard-ass Rizen thought things were going swimmingly well until a meeting was called by Annie Duke at the UB Headquarters last week.

Alarm bells started to ring when, instead of a desk, the designated conference room contained a large cross with leather straps attached, stocks and a variety of whips, belts and numerous other restraint devices. When Annie Duke appeared dressed in a full rubber body-suit and razor thin high heels to begin the 'official UB online pro inititation', Rizen started to get real nervous...

When Johnnybax's big grin appeared around the door it appeared an explanation may be at hand. The relief was short-lived as the online guru turned out to be wearing nothing but a leather posing-pouch and vicious-looking nipple clamps.

The 'thwaaaaaaaak' of Annie donning rubber gloves was the final straw for familiy-man Eric who ran for the exit - stopping only briefly in the UB restaurant for an impromptu 5-course lunch.

MF

PS: Thanks to Drarr for the mail which inspired this piece - though we did not use the original on this occasion (opting for the Annie-in-rubber line instead!!) this mail was a great inspiration. If anyone would like to contribute then your mail may or may not be immediately deleted at support@meltedfelt.com

Tuesday, 1 July 2008

The potential WSOP disaster of an online player winning the 'big boys' $50k HORSE championship event was comfortably avoided this week.

With the creme-de-la-creme of those who can afford it battling it out for the world championship of those who can't play no-limit holdem.

After a tough final table a name that everyone will recognise took a commanding chip lead which was used to elimiate those final few opponents. Yes, for the 5th time our celeb took 1st place in a WSOP tournament and the prestigeous bracelet which goes with it.... Melted Felt would like to extend heart-felt congratualations for this fantastic achievement and say: