......finding a new home for lutefisk lovers.

(ok we don't love it. or even like it. but we're supposed to.)

21 June 2011

The Anniversary: Days 4 & 5, 471 miles - Niagara Falls, ON

A roadtrip like this is a parenting milestone. And before I start the cynical diatribe, I'll forewarn you that this story does have a happy ending. Because I don't want to be one of those bloggers who specializes in cynical diatribes (although I do count as my personal mission to bring a voice to the unseemly side of parenthood so that other women don't think they're crazy and end up eating peanut M&M's in the closet).The cross-country roadtrip is a rite of passage. We all have fond memories of our family roadtrips but I bet you also have memories of your dad threatening to pull over and (insert exaggerated form of punishment here). You can't have one without the other. And in each of these moments we have something to learn about our children and our parenting. Today I learned that if I walk several paces ahead of my family - in silence - I could keep from telling my child to SHUT......THE F#@*&..........UP! Very important lesson. For a while, I was wondering how I would keep that inside and even did a quick cost/benefit analysis of the situation. Benefit: Mama would feel soooooo much better. Cost: I would not be allowed to join the PTA. And my child would find out that parents use the #1 swear word. And he might cry.........and then I wouldn't feel better anymore.Let's back up. We arrived in Niagara Falls today after a short 2 hour drive. Liam is big into superlatives; biggest, tallest, fastest, grossest, deepest, strongest, etc. (I know - it doesn't sound like a very specific area of interest but it is). So he knows all about Niagara Falls and was excited to see it. As we're waiting to check in to our hotel, he says he doesn't want to go to Niagara Falls. He wants to stay in the room. Get room service. Swim in the pool. No falls. Well, I simply don't believe him; he's been talking about this for days. But he doesn't let up. No falls. Go swimming. I'm getting irritated and start to launch into the "why do you think we're here?" speech.Luckily, our room isn't ready and we have to kill some time - during which he catches a glimpse of the falls and buys into it again! Let's do it! All of it! Now! We oooh and aaah, we take pictures, we make our way to the classic Niagara Falls experience: The Maid of the Mist. The boat ride that takes you up close and personal to the roaring falls and drenches the crowd in the process (hence the famous rain ponchos).Suddenly, he's indifferent toward the boat ride. I try to ignore. Then he's excited! Let's go! Let's get our rain ponchos! I don't wanna put on my rain poncho. When will we leave? When can we go swimming? When can we leave? (won't pose for iconic rain poncho photo) This is fun!!!! Laughing and screaming!!! Can we go back now? I wanna go inside. I'm gonna go inside. When will we be done?As we hike back to our hotel, he tells us his feet hurt 5,946,765 times. We walk by the Rainforest Cafe, the Spongebob 4D Thrill Ride, Galaxy Golf and someplace called Sugar Mountain (what is it? who cares? it's called sugar mountain!!!). The entire experience is an introvert's worst nightmare. We say no and keep walking but he drags his feet and whines about how we never get to do anything fun (as we're walking away from Niagara Falls??????!!!!!). This is the part where Mike says "Mom's going to walk in front of us."There were moments of incredible fun in there. And perhaps that is what he'll remember. But I will remember walking several paces in front of my family trying not to scream the #1 swear word at my child in front of thousands of tourists.Back at the hotel, we re-assess our evening plans. No more Niagara Falls. Instead, we go to the pool. We watch a movie in our room. And we get room service. And it's great. Really, really great. If you ask your mom why she threatened to leave you by the side of the road, she'll probably say it had something to do with the pool. You wouldn't get out of the car to see Mount Rushmore because you wanted to go to the pool. It's all about the pool.We adults have to get out of our heads and make some decisions based on our child's values instead of our more evolved, more experienced values (you can swim at home, the hot tub is gross, that's a waste of money, room service is a rip off). Because your kids don't care about any of that NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY...........and they WILL remember the hotel pool and the time they got room service. Well, maybe not as much as the time their mom said the f word.It's up to you.

EPILOGUE:

Look at this picture. Sheesh.

I look at this picture today and I feel like a completely clueless moron. Of course he was a turd at Niagara Falls - look at how sad he is! That is a sad, sad boy. And even the biggest waterfall in North America cannot make that kind of sad go away. Perhaps having fun is not the best antidote to sadness; perhaps the comforts of a nice hotel room with room service and in-room movies is a lot more effective.

Here's what happens: as circumstances dictate, you become extremely invested in making sure your kid has a great time on a certain occasion. The kid senses this, and feels his power growing. He breathes it in. He begins to feel the exhilaration of it. If he were a comic book villain, there would be blue lightning beginning to crackle around his head. And the more urgent your desire for Family Fun, the more his biceps bulge with the raw Power of Destruction. How does he wield this awesome power?? The kid must CRUSH THE FUN. (But not kill it, because he needs you to come back for more).

What is this?

An account of one family's migration from the city of lakes to a leafy east coast beach town ........and back again........as documented by their leader, a woman with OCD tendencies with regard to the jotting of notes, the making of lists and the taking of pix.