Don't Even Go There—Travel Writing for the Rest of Us

Even if the world is your oyster, you can still chip a tooth on its shell. While travel magazines feature exotic locales of breathtaking beauty, we expose sites so depressing that no traveler this side of Edgar Allan Poe would venture there without a tub-load of tranquilizers. Take Las Vegas (please) and the $5.99 all-you-can-eat buffet line at Sam’s Town. That's the world we explore at Don’t Even Go There.

On this site, we tell of places we’ve visited but wish we hadn’t. We reveal vacation plans gone awry and relate horror stories from the road best abandoned. These true stories reflect where we’ve chosen to go. We only have ourselves to blame. We rarely needed to exaggerate—the truth really is stranger than a Dan Brown novel.

Don’t Even Go There: travel tips for those of us who aren’t escorted by security guards, pampered by wealthy benefactors, or provided a generous per diem. This blog is for seasoned travelers and armchair tourists who want the real world first-hand and head-on, with all its drama, horror, and humor. You’ll laugh at us, cry with us, and decide to stay home more often.

15 June 2010

Every once in a while a great Truth occurs to us. It usually happens when we least expect it: in the shower, in a car filled with strangers, or in the police station having our fingerprints taken. While scrambling to find a pen to write it down, it often gets skewed. So, without further ado, here’s our latest attempt at profundity. Hope you enjoy it.

“Have you ever stopped in the midst of an adventure far from home, taken a suspicious look completely around you, shrugged, and then continued along your way? If not, you’ve never traveled with us. It happens all the time to Jason and me.”

09 June 2010

Here’s a strange but true tale with an unusual happy ending (unusual in that it has a happy ending at all). Sometimes, despite our best efforts, a trip ends in unexpected mediocrity or unmitigated indifference. Face it: this blog is based on stories that end poorly with dire warnings about where you shouldn’t go and why. Every once in a while, though, we like to surprise you with a place we found somewhat satisfactory. Bear with us. —MB & JS
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This isn’t the tale of a McMansion, nor is it the story of a recently built palace in a gated community. This is about a real castle that happens to be located in the suburbs of a real city. Unfortunately, that city happens to be in Canada, where nice people apparently live normal lives.

We like Canadians. They’re polite, honest people, even if they still believe in monarchy. Believe it or not, they actually have some major cities, like Toronto, Ontario. The city sports major league baseball, basketball, hockey, and football teams. We’re talking about a big city here.

Toronto is a clean, friendly place. The Hockey Hall of Fame makes Toronto its home, and if you’re a fan, it’s worth a stop. The underground mall below the downtown office skyscrapers features a maze of interesting and sometimes affordable shops. Queen Street West, another tourist destination, is the hip spot for music, but it also boasts shopping for all tastes (and we really mean all tastes). And let’s not forget the CN Tower that rises beside Rogers Centre (formerly called SkyDome). Toronto doesn’t lack for activities.

But if you know us at all, you’ll realize that we had to get off the beaten path, away from the hordes of tourists that flock there every summer. So we discovered a hidden treasure and took a trip to nearby Casa Loma. Located out in the suburbs, it wasn’t easy to find. We had to work to get there. Since we didn’t have a car, we had to navigate the Toronto transit system and then take a 15-minute hike once we disembarked. But believe it or not, it was worth the extra effort.

Built by Sir Henry Mill Pellatt between 1911 and 1914, it’s modeled after the medieval castles of Europe. Featuring 98 rooms and lush gardens (maintained by volunteers), the castle is a throwback to a different time, an era when one man could own the electric company for an entire city. That man was Sir Henry, and Casa Loma was his home.

The Great Hall has a 70-foot-high ceiling, 40-foot-long drapes, and even a freakin’ pipe organ. A pipe organ! When was the last time you even saw one of those monstrosities? Its resonant sound always reminds us of when we fell off the horses going around a carousel . . . hmmm, that was just last year.

In Casa Loma’s sunny Conservatory, we found a stained glass dome, bronze doors, and Italian marble floors. Every room in fact had something to make us wonder, whether it was the first Canadian indoor shower or the recreation facilities. Almost every room had a name: the Oak Room, the Round Room, the Windsor Room, and the Library. It was like being inside a game of Clue.

Then there’s Sir Henry’s grand bedroom, bathroom, and study (with its two secret stairwells), and Lady Pellatt’s 2,000-square-foot bedroom suite. We were pretty amazed that a Canadian could have attained such wealth and taste. Like us, he obviously traveled.

But the tour didn’t end there. We climbed spiral stairs to the tower, where we could see the Toronto skyline. Good thing the smog had lifted for us. After that, we descended below ground, through an 800-foot-long tunnel, to the stables, with its Venetian tiles and Spanish mahogany. All that was missing were the quaint piles of horse dung. Still, all in all, it was cool. We think it was the tiled interior that kept it at that temperature.

Once free of the castle’s charms, we stayed to stroll the gardens: they’re another highlight of the place. We had arrived in early spring, too early for the full effect, but we have imaginations and used them. (We recommend a mid-summer visit, when the flowers have all bloomed.)

This castle isn’t as grandly appointed as the “cottages” of Newport, Rhode Island, or as opulent as Hearst Castle, but it’s quite a find if you’re in the right frame of mind: curious, energetic, and bored stiff all apply. You can take the self-guided tour if you like—you know the drill, listen on headphones as you wander from room to room like a zombie—but you might enjoy the castle more without all the history. Make up your own stories; it’s more fun.

Lessons Learned: Let’s face it, with all the sights to see in the world at large, you’ll probably never return. That makes it one of those once-in-a-lifetime adventures, like shooting heroin. But this will leave a better taste in your mouth.

If You Won’t Listen to UsNearest Airport: Toronto Pearson International AirportNative Population: 2,500,000Normal Attractions: Big city stuff like fine dining, shopping, museums, art galleries, and architecture, but also HTO Park (the city’s first urban beach) and the Hockey Hall of Fame. There’s lots to do in the city.Final Point of Interest: Casa Loma was nearly demolished before a few citizen groups rallied to save it. Another victory over urban renewal.

An Inside Look

How We Saw It: Our Rating System

We rate each place in ten categories for Don’t Even Go There. These ratings appear at the end of each sorry tale:

• Blight-Seeing—how decrepit a place it is—rated 1 to 5, where a 5 means the place is so disgusting, you’ll almost wish you were in Detroit. Almost.

• Communication Breakdown—how difficult it is to communicate in English—rated 1 to 5, where a 5 means speaking English could actually endanger your life.

• Customer Dis-service—how bad the service is—rated 1 to 5, where a 5 could indicate that you’ll have to carry your own bags, uphill, through a crowd of beggars who, if you’re lucky, will only give you a slight case of leprosy.

• Discomfort Level—how much you have to “rough it”—rated 1 to 5, where a 5 means you better be in top physical shape just to survive the weekend.

• Grunge Factor—how dirty a place it is—rated 1 to 5, where a 5 indicates a need for anti-fungal cream, powerful bug spray, careful food choices, and boiling water before you drink it.

• Inactivity Guide—how many activities are available—rated 1 to 5, where a 5 means a working TV set is an attractive entertainment option.

• Rent-Attainment—how difficult it is to get accommodations—rated 1 to 5, where a 5 indicates a big wad of cash won’t get you the time of day, never mind a mattress and box springs.

• Spontaneous Consumption—how the shopping compares to home—rated 1 to 5, where a 5 means you’ll be tempted to buy stuff you’ll only regret later, especially when you pass through Customs on your way home.

• Fun Fraction—how much fun you can expect—rated 1/5 to 5/5, where a 5/5 can actually be fun, as long as you dress right and take the necessary precautions.

• Vibe-Rating—how the overall experience feels—rated 1 to 5, where a 5 means that, believe it or not, we’d go there again. Don’t expect to see many of these.

An Inside Look

About Us

Mark is living a dream: writing to entertain and inform (luckily, he has a day job). His writing style has evolved from years of jotting down notes in the back of a pickup while hitchhiking. A recovering tech writer, he’s contributed to several published books and edits others for a living. He’s also writing a screenplay.

Jason took a more circuitous path to travel writing. First came the travel, then came the writing. He’s seen his share of places to avoid, up close and way too personal. After completing screenplays and television scripts, he became a filmmaker and video editor. He uses his acute eye to record detail Mark overlooked in his haste to get the hell out of there.

They have teamed up to create the Don’t Even Go There travel series. They hope it will turn conventional travel writing on its ear. They hope it will upset people. They hope it will lead its authors to a book deal, a movie idea, and maybe even a lawsuit.

Meanwhile, you get to experience a new bittersweet comedy vicariously, from the comfort of your computer chair, every week. Keep coming back, and leave a comment so we know you were here!

An Inside Look

Disclaimer

Most of the text and photos in this blog are copyright 2007-2017 by Mark Henry Bloom & Jason Scholder. All rights reserved. Contact us for reuse permission or to find out what we borrowed from another source. We would like to thank all our friends and relatives at this time who, knowingly or not, donated to our blog, some of whom we actually credit. With friends like these, who needs lawyers? Thank you.