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Monday, June 23, 2014

10 Weeks

My husband and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary over the weekend and received the best present today of another good ultrasound, including a great 3D shot of our growing baby. I usually find 3D ultrasound images to be a bit... creepy. But I love this one. And I love this baby. It was moving it's little arms and legs and measuring spot on at 10 weeks, 3 days. Next week we'll have the big 12 week ultrasound but for today (and this week), I'm trying to enjoy today's good results.

Today I did the dumbest thing at work. I wanted to photocopy one of our ultrasound photos to put in the journal I've been keeping. I made the copy but somehow a second was made (that I didn't know about and therefore left on the copier). Luckily, a friend at work saw it and brought it to me and she is someone I trust to not share the news with anyone. But it brought up all of these feelings that I hadn't previously thought about. What will it be like to tell people I am pregnant? When will I do it? If I wait until I am comfortable with the pregnancy, I won't tell them until this baby is born. I also feel embarrassed about what happened. I honestly don't feel like I did anything wrong or could have prevented L's death, but I feel like a total failure. My body let her down. I let her down. And getting back to sharing our news with people, it makes me feel like they will think, "Oh, she's pregnant again. I wonder if that is a good idea? I wonder if she'll lose this baby as well?" I am sure they have more important stuff to think about, but this is just one of my fears. A minor one, but a fear nonetheless.

8 comments:

Happy anniversary!! Yay for a great ultrasound & beautiful picture!! You will know when the right time to tell is. We waited until 16-17w this time. It was definitely scary to tell but we knew it was the right time.

Good to know, Leslie. I'm a little worried that I am already showing, but am similarly hoping to hide it until at least 16-17 weeks (which is around when I told work last time, actually). You are right - I'll probably just know when the time is right...

Yay! So happy for you! That 3D image is amazing! I completely understand your fears hon, I'm scared to make our announcement too. I really hope no one will judge you! I'm sure they will be so happy for you once you're ready to make your announcement.

Thanks! I keep looking at that image. It just looks so much like a little baby for the first time. I hope no one will judge me either, and I suspect, if they do, they won't do it to my face. Have you started telling people?

This is such a cute picture! You should make the announcement when it's right for you. Of course, when you're working with people you can't hide something like that for a very long time. But I'm guessing that you've still got a couple weeks before you need to share these news with the world.

Yes, you are right... I can definitely still get away with not sharing the news for a few more weeks (although I am showing much earlier with this pregnancy than I did with L). Given everything that has happened, I don't think anyone at work would ask if I were pregnant anyway!

I have had those fears and thoughts myself. I joined a support group for women who have had second trimester losses, situations similar to mine, and that was one of the ideas we discussed about a month ago because one of the gals was/is pregnant (and now, so am I!). But I mentioned that I would probably go into hiding for 9 months and then just randomly post a picture of me, The Husband and a baby on Facebook! I too am worried about telling people too soon, judgments, etc. so I haven't told anyone. Even if people don't make an outright judgmental comment, they can be insensitive and hurtful without meaning it. Last time I waited until 17 weeks to announce it and then 2 weeks later everything came crashing down. We probably won't ever feel "safe" telling people but all we can do is protect ourselves and move away from conversations if they are hurtful or uncomfortable.

Ashleigh, I totally hear you on sharing the news. We have told relatively few people and I'm okay with that. We waited last time as well... I can only imagine how hard it was to have told everyone and then, so quickly thereafter, to have to share your heartbreaking news. I've found your blog and look forward to following you through your next pregnancy!