UPDATE: Lindsay Lohan’s passport was stolen. Of course.

At this point Lindsay Lohan assumes (correctly) that the legal system will never put her in jail which makes it no surprise that she just pissed in the court’s face by claiming her passport was stolen and now she can’t make it to LA tomorrow. TMZ reports:

Lindsay claims she actually went to the airport yesterday trying to get on a flight without a passport but was denied boarding. We’re told she had a reservation on the flight so she could make it back to L.A. for tomorrow’s mandatory court hearing.
Sources tell TMZ Lindsay has made an appointment with the U.S. Embassy tomorrow at 9 AM to get another passport so she can fly home.

Even more hilarious is Lindsay’s lawyer’s statement to TMZ:

“Lindsay is distraught because it was her intention to get back to L.A. today to do more alcohol education classes and appear in court tomorrow.”

You know what I do when I’m distraught that I can’t learn about responsible drinking? Get ass-faced drunk and try to bang Amanda Seyfried’s boyfriend not Dominic Cooper after I’m conveniently stuck at the year’s biggest party event for the entire film community. It’s like eating a tube of cookie dough.

UPDATE:Lainey Gossip is at Cannes and has reports that Lindsay was booked to appear at parties for the whole week. Which has to be the result of volcanic ash. Has to be.