Confessions of an Author that Never was (TSS)

I have always wanted to write. However, I have always failed to achieve much beyond self-pleasing tid-bits. Like most of us who want to be ‘authors’ without having the discipline to churn out a single short story of any decent standard, I have always blamed it on the genius of people I have already read.

After a lot of thought, it was settled that I will be the one to show that despite the madness that is the modern life, a solution to this ‘human condition’ lies in seeking a reconciliation between the creative urge and the materialistic compulsions. Ideas after ideas were mooted and rejected. Characters were created, played with, and killed. Plots ended before they began. Ultimately, I have been left with nothing but utter desperation and a huge dint on my self confidence.

Probably, I think nowadays, I was never meant to be an author. Or rather, to be consistent with my existential claims, never ‘good enough’ to be an author. By disposition, and by training, I am a lawyer and probably a good one at that. But author I definitely am not.

People say that all illusions are best when in the past. I myself have been and remain a big proponent of that school of thought. Living in absolute reality is not only a tenet I preach but also purportedly practice. While in theory, there is hardly any evidence to the contrary, it is difficult to accept that the one thing you like, the one area were you are passionate is that where you have no talent.

For now, it is settled that I shall focus on the profession of my choice and relegate my passion to write to a hobby. Whether this is ‘giving up’ or living up to reality is something time shall tell. Or maybe, time shall not. In either case, I am bound to bear the consequences of my choice.

15 responses to “Confessions of an Author that Never was (TSS)”

I am a Doc, and try to write. I have gotten far enough now to have an agent. He say that Docs and Lawyers tend to be detail oriented and obssessive people who often do not free up their right brain to be creative.

To cure this he had me play my mandolin each time I sat down to write. The key is to think like an artist and not like a Doc. (or lawyer as the case may be)

My guess is you are an excellent lawyer who ain’t drunk enough whiskey to be a suffering artist, though as a Doc I can not recommend that approach.

Given that most of will never get published, or see minimal success if we do, I would keep on despite the odds. At least that is what I am doing.

How do you know your stories are not ‘of a decent standard’? Who said? Don’t give up. Your blog posts are written really well and they’re interesting (even the ones about not being a writer!) So who says you can’t write?

Thanks a lot for your encouraging words. I guess, if writing truly is one’s passion, there is no way one can choose to quit. If the flow of a river is not smooth and natural, it floods. But living in the false hope or illusion that one day I will write full-time, seems not plausible to me. Because either ways, its disastrous.

Well, if u think being a lawyer is part of the ‘materialistic compulsions’ please rethink your decision to be one.
If you think you are a good lawyer and this is your profession of choice, then there is no question of now relegating writing to be a hobby.
Either ways you need to identify your passion. According to me the question is still unresolved. But taking a realistic bite and this confession is definitely a step forward.

So true, so true, i thought as I read this wonderful post. But then again,I read somewhere that a writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than for other people (I paraphrase clumsily, of course.)

Perhaps feeling the frustration is that important step in the right direction.

I can’t express what i feel after reading this except this: frustration is perhaps the writer’s most prized possession. i cannot tell you how much i feel the same. Indeed, it is very difficult to accept that you have no talent, especially, when that thing happens to be your life long passion. it hurts, it really hurts.

What is left, if there is no passionate impulse – when what is unpolished is left to further dull…?

Writing is not about reality, it is not about getting the facts all right…about making something perfect…it’s about squeezing something out, call it expression or whatever…but do it…

This whole shadow artist effort to write well about the writing of others is a cover for you I suspect – a way you can hide from a great possible failure…I say, go forth and fail or flail away, but write, cuz that’s what you are apparently going to do anyway…

I am a professional. I have a business. I deal with many people everyday – almost none of whom know that I am a writer – the most misunderstood kind of writer, by god a poet…and as you know I write under a pseudonym, because I don’t want the poetry to confuse the consumer of my service…

I am up at 5 or 6am writing, practicing, getting better…I am a better writer now than I ever was before I began writing everyday…

I ain’t trying to be better than any other writer, I am trying to be better than I was yesterday…

Thanks for adding my site to your blogroll. I hope I did not unwind too much, and my further hope for you, is that you never totally edit away your goals and dreams…

I agree with your commentators who know writing as process rather than product.
I know that need to find the words and to string them together in the way that is right; determining and accepting both is the fun and the anxiety of this game.

And when finished, I will feel the need rise again because I have one more way of explaining what it is that I know.

Hey, it is the same with most of us who like to ‘think’ that they love writing but don’t know what! I know I want to be a full-time writer…but write what! I don’t create stories. Perhaps the only way to go about it is read extensively, sooner or later you would stumble upon something which will inspire you. I got intrigued by Mahabharata…have read 8 books on Mahabharata and still reading more. I think I would love to give another dimension to this epic someday!
Good Luck..you will also find a way. Don’t give up. Not everyone is gifted with the ability to express oneself.