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Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Skiing the Failed Mountain

The team trying out for the team. 2012 Snowbird.

(note: Several people have commented that they don't like the name of this post... and I have to agree. But every time I try to title it, I can't really come up with something better. I think of failure not as a bad thing, but as a diagnostic tool. I did fail here in the overall picture, I didn't make the team. But along the way, there were so many successes... not the least of which was coming back and loving this place even more now. So I suppose "failed" in this instance would be with a wink and a nod.)

I'm in Utah right now, skiing in Snowbird. It wasn't until I stood in the tram and watched the terrain rolling away below me that I realized I haven't been here since tryouts two years ago. As the tram rocked and swayed, I couldn't help but think of all of the memories I have made at this place, and all of the wonderful people I have skied with on this mountain. All the times I've tried really hard, booted out, crashed, got stuck...

I remember Bobby teaching me how to retract in the monkey snot one year, and Nick throwing us down the rasta chutes... I remember meeting Megan here and Andy as well, and getting hounded to move to Aspen.

The tram, of course, brought up all of the Academies I've been lucky enough to attend, all those times of barely scraping enough cash together to get my ass to Snowbird, pulling up at the Cliff Lodge with my shitty beat up Bronco, telling the Valet he'll have to climb in from the passenger side and slide across...

All the late nights, the early mornings, the incredible coaching, sitting on the floor eating sandwiches at lunch... the deep friendships, the trust, how happy it was for all of us to be together, sharing our singular psychosis for ski teaching.

Today, we dropped off the cat track onto Regulator Johnson. This was one of the first places I skied in the tryout. I looked at the pitch on my right as I skied down, and I could see the line of people waiting on the knuckle at the bottom, Robin Barnes and Mike Rogan in a huge group of people. I remember seeing Ballou mess up on his run, and know he had skied balls to the wall anyway, before and after the mistake. I also knew, as I pulled up to the group after my turn, that I had just cut myself from the team. And that my job right then was to just keep bringing my skiing up if I could, so that I knew I had shown my best.

I remember standing there in that group thinking, shit. Its over. Its over and I just started. I remember Michael being so incredibly encouraging, and Hafer smiling at me, and Kurt reserving judgement. And I remember rolling, bitterly disappointed, back down to the chair, and Megan skating up to me and riding up with me and saying, "Kate. Well, at least you showed up. It's good just to be here." Nail in the coffin. And I remember feeling strangely fueled by that.

Not "I'll show them" but "I have more to show." I wanted Megan to know that even with the weight of the terrible run I had just had, I could find my skiing in there somewhere and bring it to the surface. It might take me all three days. But since there was no ski cut anymore before the last day, I had an opportunity. I was part of the group, part of something important and special.

I stood on the hill today, and looked around at the place I had failed, and I was filled with so much gratitude. I felt Weems and Squatty teasing me and helping me when I was on the road to my full cert, I felt acutely that we can not do this alone. I looked down the line at all the people who were trying out, all the "competition", and I all I could see was our community. Each person trying to bring their best, each person being willing to show up with kindness for those they were skiing against.

I have never been so privileged to stand in a group of my peers, and I realized that the journey to the tryout was as much or more about learning acutely that it can not be about making the team. It has always been about the journey, and it is the people of this sport who help to make that journey incredible.

Today as I skied down, I found all the places where I had made decisions during the tryouts, the places where I failed, the places where I succeeded, the places where I was scared, the places where I was thrilled. The mountain today was a memory chamber of what it is to be alive, spanning the full spectrum, and I was privileged to ski through it, feeling my whole life broken down in to stations, feeling my connections to the people I had trained so hard with and dreamed so fiercely with at each way point on the mountain.

Its odd to be at Snowbird by myself, just me and a client, no one around who I know, but its wonderful to realize that those hundreds of people I've always shared this mountain with are right here with me, every turn I make.

Love it!!! Your journey continues and your "failure" was just another, more deeply experienced, chapter. IMO, "Failed Mountain" is too harsh a description for one of my favorite places, for she has been my most beloved teacher.

Grant, I agree, Snowbird is an amazing teacher. :) And she didn't fail, I did... but not really. I think about failure as a metric to help move you to success, and I suppose being here, I was very happy to feel excited, thrilled and grateful all over her as we skied around, rather than sad or wistful. I think I should retile this post, because the title doesn't really reflect that, but I'm having the most trouble with the title! Suggestions are welcome. :)

Failure is great. It is the path to success. Failure more than anything drives you to work harder, improve, come up with a better idea. Kate; I think we are kindred spirits, I am a skier that has struggled through relationships due in part to a difficult recovery from childhood sexual abuse. Thanks for your honest posts.

Anonymous, you are so welcome. Thanks for reading. I know it can be a tough journey back to equanimity after something like that, but I believe there is also choice in there, choice to let go of the story that is trying to own you, choice to let the abuse be the problem of the abuser and their bad wiring, choice to let go completely, unstick yourself and become. I wish you the very very best of luck in your healing!!

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Kate's Team 2016: Technical Skiing Coach: Jonathan Ballou

Currently, Jonathan spends his northern hemisphere winters as the Training Manager for the Ski & Snowboard Schools of Aspen/Snowmass and as an Examiner and Alpine Committee Chair for PSIA-Rocky Mountain Division. In the other winter (deep south), Jonathan works as a trainer for the Rookie Academy and an examiner and education coordinator for the New Zealand Snowsports Instructors Alliance. Click on the photo to view Jonathan's You Tube channel full of inspiring skiing demonstrations!

Kate's Team 2016: Physical Conditioning: Bill Fabrocini

Bill Fabrocini PT, OCS, CSCS, and former physical therapist and strength coach of Olympic Snowboard champions Gretchen Bleiler and Chris Klug. Bill is currently the rehabilitation and conditioning advisor to the Chivas de Gaudalajara professional soccer team n Mexico, and strength coach to professional cyclist Tejay Van Garderen. Click on the photo to explore Bill's Tumblr blog, filled with videos on conditioning for athletes.

Kate's Team 2016: Mental Coaching: Thomas Crum

Thomas Crum is an author and presenter in the fields of conflict resolution, peak performance, and stress management. He is known throughout the world for his interactive live presentations and his three best-selling books. Recent clients include the NFL’s Miami Dolphins and the Navy SEALs. Click on the image to read more about coaching by Tom Crum.

Kate's Team 2016: Training Partner: Kurt Fehrenbach

Kurt was a member of the 2008 National Alpine Team and is currently an Examiner for PSIA RM and a verifier for Aspen/Snowmass. He and Kate have been training and adventuring together for over eight years.

Kate's Team 2016: Mentor - Megan Harvey

2-term National Alpine Team alum, Megan was the first person to step in and help me believe I could achieve my goal of making the National Team. Megan combines an incredibly giving heart, with an insatiable drive and problem-solving bug. Megan has taught me how to be a great trainer, how to give my time to others, how to be an integral part of the ski school. She has taught me about budgeting my time, how to be professional in this industry, and how to help others. She is also willing to give it to me straight, working with me both on and off-snow. Her no-nonsense direct feedback is to the point and never couched in cuddles or bubbles. She has an opinion. She shares it. I do what she says. Megan is one of the most incredibly dedicated, giving, loving, caring people I have ever had the pleasure to meet, and I am grateful to count her amongst my friends, and honored to have her as an official member of my team.

Kate's Team 2016: Bootfitting: Brent Amsbury

Brent Amsbury of Park City Ski Boot has a terrific balance between the art and science of boot fitting. And he can get my big, flat, frozen, numb foot comfortably into a race plug boot, no sweat.

Kate's Team 2016: My Amazing Family!

Every aspiration needs support. I am fortunate to have the energy, belief and support of my entire family behind me as I reach for a spot on the National Alpine Team in 2016.

Read it from the Begining!

Heros and Inspiration

These are people who I am learning about who inspire me, make me feel like I'm not crazy to love what I do, and who broke trail ahead of me so I can ski, too...

Bill Brigs:

The first man to ski the Grand Teton, he skied it alone, with no witnesses. But a newspaper plane took him to the top the next day and the evidence was still there: solo tracks in the snow from the top of the Grand. "You dream up what you want to do with your life..."

Stefano De Benedetti:

"In the Perfect Moment, I was so concentrated there was no space for other thoughts. When you want to make a turn, and you are at the top of a steep vertical wall, I mean, when you are in the situation that if you fall you die, everything changes. You think very much about turning. You think very much about WHERE to turn. And you do all this in a very special way.

You act like a different person.

You act with all your self.

You are making a completely different experience, and in some way, you are discovering yourself.

This is the magic of the mountain. You can except to die for this. You don't wanna to die. But to live so close to the possibility of dying, you understand what is really important, and what NOT.

And this makes you a better person. Its probably the highest moment of my life because in the perfect moment I was, or I felt to be, a little superman."

Anatoli Boukreev:

An incredibly accomplished high altitude climber and guide, Anatoli also pulled off one of the most spectacular high altitude rescues single handedly in a blinding snowstorm after having not had significant rest for 35 hours and after summiting Mt. Everest. He saved the lives of three climbers from his team, the ill fated Scott Fischer Mountain Madness expedition in 1996.

"Mountains are not stadiums where I satisfy my ambition to achieve, they are the cathedrals where I practice my religion...I go to them as humans go to worship. From their lofty summits I view my past, dream of the future and, with an unusual acuity, am allowed to experience the present moment...my vision cleared, my strength renewed. In the mountains I celebrate creation. On each journey I am reborn."

Snow Report

Visit this great site for the MOST detailed info on freezing temps at different altitudes, and make better decisions in the back country!

Links To Visit

Quotes That Help

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." - Carlos Castena

"A life in harmony with nature, the love of truth and virtue, will purge the eyes to understanding her text." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world." ~ Buddha

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" Mary Oliver

"You are right where you need to be. And where you need to be to learn what you need to learn is not always comfortable and can be quite unpleasant." Amy Keefer

"There is nothing new in the world; everything has been done before, sometimes hundreds of times. But our perspectives always change. There are always new perspectives." - the Dalai Lama

"Chronic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrong doing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean." - Aldous Huxley

"The Chinese character for "Crisis" is comprised of two characters: the character for "Danger" and the character for "Opportunity"."

"Take your face out of your hands and clear your eyes. You have a right to your dreams, and DON'T BE DENIED." Ben Harper

"Praise and blame. Gain and loss. Pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a giant tree in the midst of them all." - Buddha

"Failure is not falling down, but refusing to get up." Chinese Proverb.

"A venturesome minority will always be eager to set off on their own, and no obstacles should be placed in their path; let them take risks, for godsake, let them get lost, sunburnt, stranded, drowned, eaten by bears, buried alive under avalanches - that is the right and privilege of any free American." - Edward Abbey

"Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're right." -Henry Ford

"If you are walking along with nothing but a bamboo cane, and someone attacks you with a sword, you should take their sword from them. This, then, is already your victory." 15th Century Martial Arts Master (from the book Secret Tactics of the Martial Arts Experts)

"Those who say you can't shouldn't get in the way of those who are doing it" - unkown via Alyssa

"Somewhere, someone is training harder than you are. And when you meet them in head to head competition, they will beat you." No Fear

"Its not nearly as High and Tight as you think it is, Kate" - Josh Spohler