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Monday, December 26, 2011

The day after Christmas

For most the day after Christmas is a shopping day. A day for sales of returns of unwanted Christmas gifts. Some are still visiting family and celebrating their time off.

For me it is bitter sweet....

A day that most have forgotten about but still is clear in my mind and heart. You see 20 years ago I lost a baby in a miscarriage. It was a horrible time for me. Every year at this time I feel I need to do something to remember it. Although I want to forget it. It is confusing. I feel like if I don't do something the baby will be forgotten and I don't want that to happen.

For years I used to light a special candle and say a prayer. Then it was just the prayer. Now I can pray and tell my story.

It all started 20 years ago with the excitement of finding out I was pregnant. I had a little boy that was 4 and this was going to add to our family...a blessing. I decided it would be a surprise to everyone including my husband. After all it was Christmas. I found the cutest little sock baby at a craft fair. That was wrapped and put in my husbands stocking, a bonnet for my parents and a pair of pink booties for his. A gift that no one would see coming. A special surprise.

Christmas day that year turned out much different. I started spotting and the doctor said I could be losing the baby. I had to tell everyone. The wonderful surprise did not turn out as planned.
The next day I lost my sweet baby. It's due date was supposed to be July 24th.....

I just wanted to die myself. I had people tell me it was best. That it was Gods way of taking it because it was to weak. Yes I heard it all and none of it was comforting. I even had friends not call me because they didn't know what to say. Please don't ever do that to someone. Just be there for them and listen that is all they want. Don't try to make them feel better because no one can.

Only time can heal...and prayers.

You see I thought I was loosing my mind. How could I have a beautiful healthy boy and then loose a baby? I tried to get pregnant again. I obsessed with it. And just when I didn't think it would ever happen....

I found out I was pregnant again!

My beautiful baby girl was born! The day was July 25th...ironic huh?

My children are such a blessing to me and I celebrate my gift often. From time to time I think of my little angel. My son, at 4, told me that God needed another little angel in heaven. How come children know just what to say sometimes?

So on this day a get a little teared up. Yes even after all these years, because you are a mother as soon as you know there is life. You are a mother even when it is gone. The bond is there no matter what.
I am blessed to have two beautiful and talented children.

Thank you for sharing this with us. My daughter went through a miscarrage this year. It is so hard, I still see the pain in her eyes and feel it in my heart. She has a little boy, who is 3 and she is trying again. Ladies don't share their pain over a miscarriage, thank you for trusting us. Di