When we were younger, I liked you.The kind that friends shouldn’t feel for friends.I always tried to cheer you up.And for a long while: a sem a year or twoThe gazebo was my favorite haunt because it was yours.I knew about your sadness though not its source.I saw the gravity with which you walked and I wanted to save you; but I knew I could not, should not.We all rise from each of our own abyss and in time, you did.

I’d always scour the boards, waiting to see something wrought by your hand, a child of your mind.

Proof that the myths of creation are true: A figure can be molded out of darkness, A ray of light can stream from a void, That something can spring out of nothing.

I’ve always wanted, hoped to tell youIn whatever way or method or scheme.But you needed a friendMore than you needed—well— whatever I was doomed to be labelled if I spoke, if I took a step, if you found out.

So I shut my mouth and widened my smile, and I slowly let it go.

And now that we are olderI see that I chose well in keeping quiet, in letting attraction ebb and vanish.

I found a greater love,You found yourself.

Have no fear in losing a friend, I am still.Or feel awkward in my presence— there is nothing left of that longingOr think I seek reciprocation— I need no such thing.

I write this not with the expectation of an answer, nor the fulfillment of a whim, nor in preparation for death inevitable, nor for sport.

When I was a little girl, around twenty years ago, I never thought of
happily ever afters. This is not my claim to uniqueness or
individuality, it’s just the truth and the way I was. For me they were
just endings to animated films that I enjoyed and I took them as they
were. I had no expectations that I’d meet someone to ride off into the
sunset with. Hello…I was six.

Now, I’m looking at these fairy
tales a little bit closer, because I want my happy ending, I want my
magic carpet ride, I want my waltz-on-water moment. And I don’t want it
“in the foreseeable future”, I want it NOW.

Now.

So what does it take to get those? I grew up with The Little Mermaid,
Aladdin, Mulan and Beauty & The Beast, so if these are the love
stories I want then the recipe that I should follow would be:

A strange, awkward girl who does not fit in and has no
intentions of fitting in because really, it’s fun to be weird. Has
dreams beyond the confines of her current village or kingdom, and the
constant thought that’s nagging her is “There has to be something more to this" - Status: DONE.
Ako na yun! I may not be a princess or a warrior, and I don’t have a
tail. But if you’re looking for social awkwardness and restlessness
then, baby, I’m your girl.

An equally strange pet like a sardonic tiger, a lucky cricket, a
horse with no sense of direction, a talking fish, a Rastafarian crab. - Status: WORK IN PROGRESS. I have to go bag Spiderman.

People who treat her like a social pariah because she’s not one of
them and she’ll never be. They try to change her to conform to their
standards of acceptability, but they gave up the fight because her nose
is always in a book or she’s always running off somewhere else to be
free - Status: DONE. I think this is why I have so few
friends, and no one sits next to me in trainings. Or am I just really
unfriendly? Inappropriate? Ah, bahala na…CHECK!

An occasion for upheaval, for stepping out of comfort zones and going on an adventure. Status: NOT STARTED What
do you think guys? A trip to Bali, ala-Eat, Pray, Love? Joining the
Philippine Army? Violin lessons? Karate classes? Solo road trip?

A man who isn’t looking for love, who’s focused on his career as a
goofy pickpocket or army lieutenant or antisocial-master-of-the-house. I
don’t really know what Prince Eric’s job is, but whatever it is, it
involves having a good time with the boys on-board a ship. Basically a
guy with his own plans, his own dreams and his own life. Status: NOT STARTED. But let’s clarify—straight, single men. Right now there’s no one who fits this very simple criteria.

I still believe in happily ever after, because I came so close
to have mine. It’s my fault that I lost it. But I know it exists, it’s
out there.