The ghost of unbearable disillusion

When being in a relationship with a particular person has you behaving in a way you never have before, and when you look at that behaviour and dislike it, that’s the time to realise that you are in an unhealthy situation and a radical change needs to be made.

Nonetheless, when, almost 9 months of singledom later, after thinking about that person and that unhealthy relationship almost every day of those nearly 9 months, you hear that they have embarked on another relationship, there are powerful feelings of unease. Even though you know it was going nowhere, those raw emotions surface and it’s like living the break-up all over again. Sometimes it feels like being on a boat on a choppy sea or having an ear infection, but mostly it feels like the world can plainly see your pain splashed all over your face and the world is laughing at you, or if not laughing, then pitying.

You can’t stop yourself wondering who she is, how old she is, what she’s like, if she has a family, if she’s witty/ clever/ caring/ stylish/ slim/ athletic; all the things you hope you were and still are. Of course all these wonderings are pointless and futile and do nothing whatsoever to make you feel any better about the whole sorry saga.

But in the end you know what she’s getting (and not)…………….and you know you can live without it.