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The Last Best Friend

Do you have a best friend right now? I’ve had a few best friends over the years.

My first best friend was Cindy. She had red hair and was an only child and made me laugh all the time and introduced me to a huge variety of cookies. Her mother was our school secretary and her father was dying of leukemia. It was spooky going to her house because he was always there in the livingroom, dying. If it hadn’t been for all the cookies, I would have been very reluctant to spend time at Cindy’s house.

Around grade 6 or so, we moved and my new best friend was Shirley. Shirley lived on a big pig farm and had about a dozen siblings including handsome older brothers. It was fun going to sleepovers at Shirley’s.

In high school I met Marg. I don’t know why she was my best friend because we had very little in common. She could never go out and wasn’t interested in doing anything remotely crazy, but we stayed friends. I cheated on her with a lot of other friends who did like to go out and do crazy stuff.

After high school, Marg and I moved in together while we went to college. She was engaged by then so we hardly ever saw each other. I was maid of honour at her wedding. We’ve kept in touch all these years. She’s stayed in our home town while I’ve buzzed around various places, but we still manage to visit with each other a couple of times a year and we talk on the phone occasionally. We have even less in common now, so really our relationship is just based on a shared history – sort of like a sibling.

After university, I met the best friend equivalent of the love of my life, Jena. We both started jobs in the same place at the same time. During our very first conversation she said something so hilarious and so incredibly crude that I fell in best friend love with her instantly. We were inseparable, could talk endlessly about anything and everything. We talked a lot about moving to the big city together and getting great jobs and becoming cosmopolitan women.

And we did.

We rented a fabulous condo right downtown Toronto and had all the fun we’d always hoped and dreamed we’d have. Then she met some crazy man who completely absorbed her and took her away from all her friends and family. I was sad. Very sad.

We recently found each other back on Facebook and have had a few tentative conversations and talked about meeting up sometime. The relationship with the crazy man only lasted a few years. It would be nice to see her, but it probably wouldn’t be the same. Jena was really my last best friend.

Once women get into the whole marriage and children thing, it’s difficult to find new best friends and is often even difficult to maintain old friendships. I don’t know if men get all wrapped up in their families in the same way that women do – leaving time for only casual, occasional relationships with friends?

I think that’s unfortunate. Maybe because I’m single, but I think having best friends is important.And ya, lots of people say their spouse/partner is their best friend and that’s very sweet, but I don’t think it’s the same thing.

Yes, all that intimate stuff you used to share with your best friends is stuff you now share with your spouse/partner but there’s always going to be stuff you can’t share with them. In fact there should be stuff you can’t share with them. Stuff like talking about your spouse/partner or stuff like doing things you like to do that they can’t really get into.

Or stuff like just spending time with someone with whom you are not intimate and opening yourself up to exploring and/or nurturing facets of yourself that you don’t with your spouse or partner. These may be dimensions of yourself long buried and forgotten through the miasma of dating, marriage, children, work, etc. or they may be completely new dimensions of yourself you never knew were part of you.

But then finding best friends is not easy when everyone your age is consumed with work and family and has little time or even interest in starting a whole new relationship. And yet,there are numerous websites with advice for grown-ups on finding a best friend, so I reckon there must be a lot of people looking. The websites tell you all the usual stuff about going out and meeting people, joining clubs, chatting up people you like and cultivating friendships – the same advice they give to people looking for dates. Somehow, I guess you have to make it clear that you’re looking for a friend, not a date. That could get sticky.

In movies and TV people always have best friends – the sidekick to the star who’s their straight man/woman; who engages in zany adventures with the star; who feeds the star alcohol, ice cream and sympathy during bad times and who organizes elaborate celebrations for the good times. The sidekick who is always there – through the beginning and end of bad and good relationships; through work crises and triumphs; through births and deaths; for better or worse; in sickness and health, etc. etc.

Do you have a best friend like that? Is it someone you’ve known forever or someone you met as an adult? How did you meet your best friend? If you don’t have a best friend, is it something you feel the loss of? Do you actively try to find one or is that weird?

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34 responses to “The Last Best Friend”

Interesting post, one I didn’t expect from you for some reason! I’m eager to hear what the discussion amongst your commenters will be.

I had the same best friend from grade two until probably when I had my first child and she got married. We still keep in touch but things changed alot during the year I had my first and she was planning her wedding, I think life got busy quickly for both of us and we didn’t tend to our friendship like we perhaps should have. We drifted apart and together all those years but it was always very comfortable when we ‘hooked up again’. We didn’t chum around during high school or university as we had different crowds but we always maintained a friendship, looking back it’s sort of strange that we didn’t hang out back then.

Since then I haven’t had a ‘best friend’. While I have a fairly large group of friends now, they are all people I’ve met because I’m a stay at home mom. I don’t feel like any one of them are my best friend but I talk to most of them everyday and see them most days too.

I feel that friendships as an adult have been disappointing for me. It’s something I think about often and still find confusing but there are two factors which make friendships difficult for me I think. One is that I have very high expectations, too high. The other is that I despise dishonesty and very few people are completely honest. I realize that I am the one who is difficult probably more so than friendships being difficult! I don’t trust easily and my expectations of others is too high (probably because my expectations of myself are so high!).

One more thought is that I can do things alone, I’m not the kind of person who needs someone to go places with me or experience new things with me. I think the women who need someone to go shopping with, or who need someone to take courses with etc are the ones who have those ‘best friend’ type friends. I prefer shopping alone so I can get it done quickly and if I sign up for something I find it less complicated to just do it alone. Some of the women in my crowd aren’t like that, they like to bring a friend everywhere they go.

I also find it unfortunate that so many women get so wrapped up in their romantic relationships, that they forget their platonic ones. Granted, you should put some time and effort into your relationship and family, but its good to have some outside perspective from other people as well.

I’ve never had that many friends, and even less best friends, though there have been a few. That seemed to stop when I got to university. There were a bunch of us who hung out together, but the whole BFF thing? Nope.

I’ve have a few good friends, but not bests. I don’t know why, i suppose i can’t be bothered to really spend the necessary time to really cultivate a friendship – which is sad really…

Actually, I think I aspire to be a sidekick. My website before Turtlehead was called Sidekick and it’s always the sidekick character that I fall for in the movies. It’s the loyalty that is so attractive.

About five years ago I started a monthly poker night with five of my good friends. Over the years we have played less and less poker and done more and more talking. The six of us have supported each other through weddings, divorces, many babies, sick parents, break ups, and professional successes. Having this kind of outlet for sharing and venting is so valuable to me. It’s like I have five best friends…so amazing!

I don’t think I’ve had a best friend since college. I’ve had some good friends but not someone that I really click with in that ‘best friend’ way. I’m one of the annoying people that think my husband is my best friend though. 🙂 I’ve also got a sister and a couple of cousins that I’m very close with, plus I talk to my mom all the time. Of course, none of them actually live where I do. So, I must admit that sometimes I do wish that I had a close friend that actually lived near me to just go shopping with or chat in person with.

I don’t really miss having a best friend because I feel like I have enough people to share and bond with; I’m not a good friend multi-tasker I guess. I probably don’t put the time into cultivating friendships now, and certainly not like you do when you are in school.

I have a good group of very good friends, and we’re all ages and have known each other for probably around 10 years. We originally met at work back then, and now we’re all working in different places but we still see each other about once a month. One of that group, Meshka, is especially close to me, and we are incredibly honest with each other. She is wise and always tells me the truth as she sees it – and I listen to her like no one else. BFJ is my “oldest” friend, of almost 30 years now, and we also met at work (pretty much our first jobs). Our friendship has waxed and waned over the years, through marriages, family deaths, divorce, kids, kid problems, career changes, health issues … but we are always there for one another. We don’t see each other all that often, but we always pick up right where we left off. Porsche Guy is wonderful in his own way, but BFJ is my absolute touchstone, my centre point, and I love her for that.

Betsy Mae – Now why would you not expect this post from me? Do you see me as a misanthrope or something? It’s sad that you’ve had bad experiences with your friendships as an adult. I think as we get older our time is more and more valuable so we don’t want to spend it with people unless we really enjoy being with them. For kids it’s so easy. They’re on the same swing set as some kid and they say “hey – wanna be friends? And that’s it – they play merrily together for hours. And I agree about not needing to have someone with you everywhere you go. I like to do a lot of things on my own, too.

Pauline – I do agree with that, but I don’t think it’s a very popular opinion. In my experience women will push their friends aside, stand them up, dump them even to be with their man. Not all women, I guess, but a lot of the ones I’ve known. I’ve been told that that’s normal.

Jazz – It does take a bit of attention to maintain a friendship. It shouldn’t be hard work though. I don’t like relationships that are hard work whether they’re male or female. And I guess it’s only sad if you feel like that’s missing in your life?

Lynn – Lucky you. I don’t ever see you being someone’s sidekick though. The sidekick never has a lot of personality – they give all that to the star. The sidekick is just there for the star to play off of. I think the whole word “sidekick” implies something sort of not fun.

Kimberly – Oh well. I think most people feel like you do which is why it’s so difficult to actually have best friends as adults. People’s lives are already full enough of people.

Pinklea – That’s really nice to hear. It’s heartening to know people still maintain relationships like that over the long term. I think once upon a time people did that more – probably because everything was more durable back then – marriages, jobs, homes, cars, stuff…

I posted about my first great “soulmate” best friend on 9/15/05 and about my current bestie on 5/11/08 (third paragraph – and fourth paragraph is interesting), but this made me think about my jr. high and high school bestie. We really had nothing in common. I think I made her laugh and gave her energy, and I liked being at her house because it all seemed so “texbook normal home” to me and I didn’t have that. My newest really good friend is my neighbor Carole and we are both amazed to have made such a good friend at this stage in our lives. All four of them are on my facebook but the soulmate one and the high school one and I hardly ever exchange messages. I still feel like I will reconnect with the soulmate one day. I know for a fact that we will see each other again (at a certain person’s funeral), and I’m curious to see if the old spark is there.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. As you know I had a rocky year in 2009 and I actually had a close friend (not best friend) break up with me for reasons I was not given. There I was needed friends more than ever, and one close friend rejected me. As time has gone on and I have grown and life is smoothing out, I have dedicated more time to the whole best friend idea. I have a nice number of close friends, but they all have their own purpose in my life and vice versa. Some of them have best friends, some don’t. They are all great, but I do not have anyone I can comfortably call when I am feeling most vulnerable. I have my partner, but that is not the same, like you said. I do not think I can force new or advancing friendships, but I have been taking little classes and things to try to expand my social circles and activities. I try to be sincere and honest with myself and others; the world of friendships will just have to take me as I am!

I have to wonder if my definition is different then!!! Because I think of a best friend as someone you spend ALOT of time with, talk to all the time etc. I have friends whom I have been through many things with, who have supported me during the best and worst times in my life so far and those women are a big part of my life. Two in particular are women I ‘chat’ with everyday via email but only see a couple of times a year due to distance. My everyday group of women meet for coffee weekly and we’ve been away together for girls weekends, we go to movies and have drinks, watch weekly shows together but for some reason I wouldn’t classify any of them my ‘best’ friends. See? I think my standards might be too high lol!

PS – I might be one of those women who classifies my husband as my best friend because he is by far the person who knows me the best in this world, he knows my deepest darkest secrets, I can be totally honest with him. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had.

I can relate to so many aspects that people shared already. I’ve never had a large circle of friends, and I’m fine with that. I think I’m like Betsy Mae and have maybe too high of expectations. Friendships need to be nurtured like any relationship, and in my 30s I felt a real lack of that from my friends at the time, girls I’d known for 15-20 years. I stayed single, while they got married and had kids. I didn’t mind playing 5th fiddle for a while, a couple years in fact, but it eventually wore on me, and I purposely dropped them out of my life. If they couldn’t find the time for me, then I couldn’t find the time for them.

I’ve felt the drought of no really close friends off-and-on over the ensuing years. Like you said, it’s tough making friends when you’re older, and for awhile there, my online friends were almost my only friends. That changed about 7 years ago, though, when I started attending church. I made several friends, but even better, met the best friend I’ve ever had. I never thought I’d have a best friend who was a guy, let alone a married one, but we’ve found a way to make it work.

“Und” now a look into the deepest darkest mind of Lebowski.
I too had a few best friends in my time but more often then not I found that while I have been introduced as “My best friend – the dude” it rarely has been reciprocated. I am often classified as “friend, consigliere, confidante”, and even once “A very wise man”.
To me my “best friend” is someone who I as willingly share my deepest thoughts and feelings – good and bad. I’ve gone some 20 years without a “best friend” and only recently restored “Best Friend” status with my best friend from high school and university.
I think we’ll be married by the end of 2011.

My best friend has occupied that esteemeed position for about 37 years now. We became friends in high school, and grew up together, through first relationships with the fairer sex, the loss of his Dad in a car accident when we were 17, his first marriage, and all kinds of life’s moments in between and since.
I was his Best Man when he got married that first time. Then this past November, I was one of four witnesses at his second wedding, this time on a beach in Mexico.
We have very little in common except our friendship. For instance, he has always been a superb athlete. I am 180 degrees from that distinction.
But we have always “gotten” each other on every level.
He went into a bit of shell for a few years, while his first marriage was crumbling. We would see each other occasionally, and comment on how we each knew the other guy was always “there”. But he emerged from that shell once that marriage ended, and on his initiative, we picked up where we left off, more grateful for each other’s friendship than ever.
We live an eight-hour drive from each other, but do see each other two or three times a year. And every time, it’s like we had only been apart for a day or two. We are part of each other’s families and still “get each other”.
It is a warm, comforting, relaxed, full-of-laughs friendship that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

I don’t make female friends easily. I am as tough on other women as I am on myself. That, combined with a natural tendency to be hostile or at the least unfriendly at first glance means that I chase most women away before there’s even a chance of friendship. In my previous incarnation, as a woman working in a field of 95% men, it didn’t really bother me. Men are so much easier to get along with, anyhow- no cattiness and they didn’t take my bluntness to heart like women tend to.

I got posted into a new unit, and much to my surprise, there was another woman in my team. We eyed each other warily from across the room all day, not even introducing ourselves. I don’t know what exactly was the icebreaker… Her husband knew mine, as it turned out, and we shared so many interests and attitudes. Soon we were in each others pockets constantly.

She is my best friend and the sister of my soul. I love her and admire her and can tell her things that I can tell no-one else.

To my dismay (not to mention her husband’s) she is being posted away this summer, and I will see her infrequently for the next few years. By the time she may be posted back we may be posted out; I fear I am in the final months of our friendship. She’s not big on email or writing and I harbour no illusions about staying as close as we are now when we’re on other sides of the country.

I haven’t really had a best friend since primary school. I don’t make friends easily, and I would usually rather be with my family or by myself than make plans with a friend. But I do think I am missing out, and I would absolutely welcome a friendship with someone that I could open up to, I just haven’t figured out how to connect with that person. As you say, it’s not easy at this stage in life.
And cultivating and maintaining a friendship is just one more task to add to my already too busy day.

My best friend until we moved in 6th grade was Melinda Murphy. I wonder what she’s doing now? I have an American friend here in Paris. I talk with her for long periods of time on the phone and my husband can’t understand what we have to talk about. I think women just need to talk and share and I’m sure I’d drive my husband nuts if I said all that I share with my friend. It’s just different.

i’ve had different best friends throughout my life as well. each coinsiding with some stage: elementary school, high school, cegep, univesity, etc. when i moved here i knew one person. now i have a wonderful group of friends, two of which i call my best friends.

i think meeting friends as adults, and often when you are in a comfortable stage in life makes it easier. and once kids arrived, we just changed the focus of our time together slightly.

granted, it was very difficult for me when i was trying to conceive and was surrounded by friends with kids or blooming with pregnancy, but they were also my support because of the difficult time. i don’t know where i would be without my best friends and close circle of women that i am very previledge to know and call friends.

Geewits – It’s great that you found a best friend right in your neighbourhood. Imagine the odds of finding another adult woman that you get along with really well who happens to live right by you and you actually like having her around that much and vice versa? I hope you get to see your soul mate before this funeral. I imagine if nothing major has happened in her life to really alter her character and nothing major has happened in your life to alter yours, you should still get on.

Missy – Taking you as you are is exactly what a best friend does. I’m pretty sure there are other women out there looking for best friends, too. I hope you meet someone you click with.

Betsy Mae – I don’t think there’s just one definition of a best friend. Just like there isn’t one definition of a marriage or any other relationship. It’s up to the 2 friends to determine what their relationship will be. If you need a best friend who is around all the time then you will obviously befriend people who have the same idea of friendship. And it’s great that you consider your husband your best friend and if you don’t need anyone else then that’s cool. Whatever works for you.

Skyetrueheart – Yes, I had pretty much the same experiences as you staying single while everyone else paired up. I got tired of getting bailed on at the last minute because the boyfriend or husband got back early or decided on a spur of the moment outing. You know if I had plans with a girlfriend I would stick to them no matter how determined some guy was to get me to change my plans. I’d be very curious as to how that best friend to a married man thing works. I’ve never been able to pull that one off without s.e.x rearing its faithless head.

Lebowski – Seriously? I never know which field you’re going to come running in from next. This best friend you’re marrying is a female, I take it??

Woodsy – Aw, don’t give up. If they don’t move too far away and you’re both willing to make the effort to keep in touch via email and regular visits you can still be best friends, can’t you? Because you probably don’t have time in your life for a best friend, like Betsy Mae who needs to see you every day, anyway, do you?

Glen – It really is Glen. It really is. I really like your outlook on life as you express it in your stories and your comments.

Bob – That’s nice. We haven’t heard from too many guys yet on their friendships. But I find men seem to be able to maintain long-term friendships a lot better than women. Probably because they have less expectations and put fewer demands on each other. Your buddy will help you move and go out drinking with you when you’re feeling shitty and come and admire your new car and give you a high five when things are going good. It’s a simple thing.

Susan – Oh no. That’s so sad. Maybe you’ve formed enough of a bond that you’ll both make a special effort to keep in touch until you’re back in the same area. It will give you a good reason to take little weekend (or longer) trips to visit each other. Don’t give up too easily. As you know, a friendship like that is rare and difficult to find. It’s worth trying to hang on to in my opinion.

Finola – Ah, but it shouldn’t be a task. It works best if the friend and you fit easily into each others’ schedules. So maybe you get together and run every morning or meet for lunch a couple of times a week or make a point of having breakfast every Saturday together. In between there are the wonders of email and Facebook. I guess it’s all a matter of how much you want a friend, I guess. If you’re content with your family; then cool.

Linda – Absolutely. There are all these bizarre little things women need to dissect and analyze and discuss that men think are tedious. And those times when he drives you crazy, a friend can be your sounding board and give you some perspective so you don’t let it all fester in your head, maybe blowing it up bigger than it really is and causing problems. Lucky you to have found a BF – and one who speaks English!

Friar – Oh. And here I thought guys were better at keeping their male friends instead of submerging themselves completely in their family. The other point is that you probably don’t have a lot in common anymore either. People with kids talk about their kids a lot. When my best high school friend got married and had a baby I found myself being bored to tears in her company because it was all baby, baby, baby. Of course after I had one of my own I understood how there’s little room in your head for much else for a while. But I made a real effort to try and talk about other stuff with people who didn’t have babies so that I wouldn’t be too boring. I guess if you really want a friend whose lifestyle compliments yours you have to really put yourself out there – same as if you’re looking for a date. Being lucky enough to just happen on someone you’re compatible with doesn’t happen too often.

Smothermother – You are very fortunate indeed. You make a good point about friends being able to evolve with each others’ lives.And that’s something you can do as adults that you can’t usually when you’re younger. Your high school or university friends have probably made such radical shifts in their lives that it’s impossible to keep up. Once you’re an adult and more comfortable with who you are, it may be easier to adjust to your friends giving birth, getting divorced, moving away, etc..

No, I don’t have time to see someone everyday… I just always liked the idea of a “constant”. It’s true, the electronic age makes it easier to keep in touch with those gone off to different corners of the country. Meanwhile, I do plan and making the most of a most recent amazing woman who I have become friends with until she moves away. And then, after that, well only time will tell…

@Woodsy. My best friend lives in North Carolina and I live in Texas. We average actually seeing each other 2 times a year. We go on fun trips together, but we talk and e-mail almost every single day. We also send each other surprise mail.

Most of my friends seem to be far away, but I still feel very close to them. We can pick up right where we left off when we do get together. With a couple of them, there really isn’t too much we have in common except a shared history so our occasional visits are usually enough.
I don’t know if I’d consider any of them a ‘best friend’ though. I’ve never had to test their loyalty with any serious issues needing their help.
I, too like to do most things on my own, so the friends I have where I live tend to be the of the convenience kind – I enjoy their company for coffee and walks and the occasional movie or play, but they are not the people I would turn to in an emergency, or for comfort if my life fell apart.

I feel very lucky to have many good friends. I have two best friends that I have known for 30 years. Sure we have drifted apart for short blips in our life but at least one of us has worked extra hard at those times to keep the friendships going. They have unconditionally supported me throughout my life, at times when even my family and other friends did not. I am pretty sure they would say the same about me too. I am also grateful to have sister in laws that I now consider my sisters we are so close. Our friendship is effortless too. I think it is rare to find people who genuinely want the best for you – energize, no jealously, no bullsh&t, just good things. Moving to a new city 5 years ago was difficult because I stupidly decided that I have my “core” friends, and did not need/want any new ones. That was a dark time in my life. Slowly I am meeting interesting/energizing people I now consider friends. Re: distance. I appreciate them more and hasn’t affected my BF relationships thanks to unlimited calling, skype and lots of road trips to visit…so that part takes effort – it’s totally worth it though.

my best friend is my roomate from university. she is married, no kids, and we have nothing in common, but i can tell that girl anything and vice versa, and nobody can make me laugh like she does.
i have a few other really really good friends i feel so blessed to have in my life, but sadly they live pretty far away as well. i also have some great friends here in o-town, but i have to admit i’m not as close to them as my besties. probably easier that way, life is really busy.

Yeah, I have a best friend and like you have gone through a series of them. I also happen to think that marriage does not interfere with having a best friend.

My first best friend was a guy in my neighborhood, we were tight and his younger brother was also tight with my younger brother. Now, we are completely different and I know nothing about his life.

My next best friend was in high school and part way through university when we had a falling out. It was partially fixed a few years ago when I visited Winnipeg and we had connected via facebook again.

My next best friend was a guy I worked with at restaurant. Funny thing was I strongly disliked him at first, but then a bunch of mutual friends had a D&D game that we were both invited too and we clicked there… We’re still in touch even after I’ve moved out of Winnipeg 15 years ago. I talk to him via email on occasion and facebook – it’s good to visit Winnipeg because we meet up for beers. I actually feel pretty lucky that we’re still friends considering myself and another mutual friend sank his canoe and didn’t’ compensate him until five years later.

In Korea I’ve had two best friends. One before marriage – he moved back to Canada just before I got married and my current best friend who is just about the strongest closest best friend I can imagine having. The funny thing is my wife didn’t like my current best friend at first, but has since grown to think he’s a good guy. In any case there isn’t anything that he could ask that i could possibly refuse.

our true best friend is ourself, coz in every man there’s bad n good side live together in one body and understand each other. They never separated and won’t leave each other. Nice blog, I added u in my link, would u add me too. Thanx.