I hope that you are well and looking forward to your new football season. I wonder what will happen to you this year? I have both suspicions and wishes, but I cannot tell you either of them at this stage.

I am writing to you because of my son Douglas.

Douglas is six years old but I am sorry to report he has had exactly zero incidents of luck in his short life. His mother is a disgrace, there is something really wrong with his insides, and his hair is falling out. Doctors are baffled by Douglas. I was talking to one of the specialists the other day and he said that they are baffled how Douglas was even born considering all the things that are wrong with him. Funny story about when he was born, the midwife actually thought he was a frog that my wife had shoved up herself, a sort of cry for help. Luckily they noticed he was human right before she threw him out of the window.

Douglas loves his football and is always talking about the Tottenham Hotspurs. I will be honest and tell you that I wanted him to be an Arsenal fan, but once you signed Peter Crouch it was Spurs United all the way for him. Douglas likes Peter Crouch because he gives him hope that anyone can make it in football no matter how weird they may look or how oddly proportioned their body is.

Recently Douglas has told me how much he wants to be a footballer. It is all he works on now. Yesterday he did nearly 10 minutes of football practice in the back garden. I think he would have done longer but he saw a ladybird and got scared and ran in to that cupboard again for another 6 hours.

So Tottenham Spurs I was hoping you would be able to help me make Douglas’ dreams come true. In keeping with my policy of not lying to you I will not try and convince you that he will make it as a footballer, he won’t, he is rubbish at it. I myself was a very talented footballer who chose to drop out of the game and work in printing instead, I never regret it. In addition to his lack of talent there is the very real possibility that Douglas will not make it to an age where he could play professional football, as such he would be a pointless acquisition for a clubs academy. I do not want anyone else wasting their money on him.

What I would like from yourselves is to put Douglas in one of your academy teams, possibly in an FA Youth Cup tie. He would need to play the whole game so that he does not feel he has let you down. It would also be a nice touch if all of the first team came to watch him play. You would need to tell the other players not to criticise him on the pitch as he is liable to cry/soil himself whenever under attack from an outsider. The players should all pass the ball to him on a regular basis as well to make sure he feels he is the engine room of the team.

His other dream (apart from being a footballer for the Hots) is to earn what he refers to as ‘Premiership Wages’. As such I would require you to pay him a salary for around a month. I do not know how much a Premiership footballer earns, but I do know that Douglas has no idea of the value of money (as proven by the incident last month where he gave our neighbour £500 in coins, that I had been saving for his operation, in exchange for tickling him). As such I would suggest that you pay him around £1000 a week. He does not have a bank account, but you can pay it in to mine and send him a wage slip.

If you could confirm the date of the game and send me a copy of his contract I would be very thankful.