Loretta LaRoche: 1,001 reasons to get panicky

Loretta LaRoche

Monday

Jan 26, 2009 at 12:01 AMJan 26, 2009 at 5:54 PM

It seems that over the last several years the news has become more and more geared to scare the living hell out of us. I just heard that we should not always believe the labels on cans. There was no follow-up information, so I really don’t know what I should be aware of.

It seems that over the last several years the news has become more and more geared to scare the living hell out of us.

I just heard that we should not always believe the labels on cans. There was no follow-up information, so I really don’t know what I should be aware of.

Do I now pick up a can of tomato paste and start to wonder if it might contain glue?

I’m beginning to think that I have to be afraid from the minute I wake up until the minute I go to bed.

The morning news will invariably alert me to a storm that’s in the near future, even if it’s a beautiful day. If there’s no storm in the immediate vicinity, they’ll report about one that’s a thousand miles away, just in case I want to get ready.

If I have a cup of coffee, I have to sort out numerous studies that have been done on caffeine and decide whether I want to enhance my memory or get gallstones.

I can’t put sugar in the coffee because that has become part of a demonic food group. Sugar could make you act like a rabid dog. You might start biting your mate or the sofa.

Then there’s traffic. If you plan to go out, you need to start worrying in advance about the possibility of a bottleneck. After all, you could be trapped in your car for days and have to be pried out by the Jaws of Life.

Once you get into your workplace, hopefully you’ve brought your air purifier, face mask and a large bottle of Purelle. Bacteria is everywhere and you have to take the time to swipe everything you touch or that anyone else touches or there is a huge possibility you will come down with a virus that ends up eating your flesh.

Mega viruses are getting a lot of press. They’re sweeping through America along with toe fungus, mites, male pattern baldness, warts and a variety of allergies.

Even sleeping is a problem.

You can never be sure that you haven’t brought home bed bugs from your last vacation. If you wake up itchy, with red welts on your body, you’re in trouble.

Just in case you do have a restful night, don’t feel good for too long because, who knows, feeling good might be bad for you!