Saturday, October 31, 2009

(HARRISBURG) - City Council President and Democratic mayoral candidate Linda Thompson dressed as herself this Halloween, instilling fright in young and old alike throughout the city of Harrisburg.

At first, many residents offered Thompson candy when she appeared on their doorstep, only to have the mayoral candidate explain that her visit was related to campaigning and not trick-or-treating.

Thompson was not the only Linda Thompson running around the streets of Harrisburg for the fright-filled holiday. Stores throughout the city reported running out of Thompson costumes earlier this week, with many offering a free broomstick with every such purchase.

"This was the first year that the [Linda] Thompson costumes even sold better than the 'Slutty Patty Kim' costumes," said Charlotte Beemyer, owner of All About Costumes on State Street. "We've still got plenty of Nevin Mindlin left, though."

"There was a time when Freddy Krueger scared the hell out of people," Beemyer said. "Nowadays, the thought of Linda Thompson as mayor does the trick."

Sunday, October 4, 2009

(INTERCOURSE) - The International Olympic Committee has announced that the 2016 Olympics will take place in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

Key to its decision, said the IOC, was the Lancaster County community's rural setting and the slogan submitted by Mayor Levi Stoltzfus: "Intercourse 2016: The World Is Coming."

In his passionate appeal to the IOC at its meeting in Denmark, Stoltzfus conceded that his mostly Amish village of roughly 1,000 people has no athletic facilities and that until last year, he had never heard of the Olympics. He followed up with a promise to hold a series of "stadium-raisings" in late 2015 to prepare, and that -- along with a detailed explanation of Amish workmanship -- seemed to satisfy the international panel.

The games will mark the first time that coed naked rakefighting will be sanctioned as an official Olympic sport.

After a lengthy hiatus caused by the need to obtain a full-time position as shopping cart return boy in order to pay the bills, I am happy to report that Gov. Ed Rendell has finally bestowed upon me a no-work job. As a result, I plan to once again sit on my ass and resume publication of the Central PA Gazelle. Please accept my sincere apologies for the months-long interruption in service, and be assured that ridiculousness shall indeed resume.