Despite all that has happened. I believe, although I am a little angry about everything I have experienced negatively. I doubt myself, not God. After all, God is not the perpetrator. Neither am I, but I don't doubt on that account. I doubt due to my imperfections, and those of others. I want to be a better follower of the faith I am attached to. ( roman catholic christian ) Its just that the doubt and pain, and all my responsibilities, both make it hard.

i still believe... you are correct. we are all imperfect. we are all sinners. we all fall short of the glory of God. for this every single one of us should be spending eternity in hell. however, through Christ's death our sins are washed away. john 3:16 explains it all.

I was told what to believe and not to feel. I grew up in church but always knew in my heart that something was wrong !?! I just didn't know what it was. Everything looked one way on the outside... but what was on the inside was pure hell.If God was real... than why was church so f**ked up?I prayed and prayed...God please show me the truth!!!

He did.It is not easy...but I have come to know Himand he watches over me and gives me peace.

Religious institutions are full of sick people...It made me sick too...

Church has taken on a new identity for me.It is a very personal thing for me.I only share my thoughts about it with those whom I trust.I don't debate religious issues.But I do fellowship with the real church...with my bros and sisterswalking the same path as me.

It is very scary... because i feel like I was brain washed...now im washing my brain!!!renewing my mindunderstanding what is real and what is not.

God is answering those prayers i prayed as a child,he is giving me wisdom and understanding...and it is very humbling.

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“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.” Barbara Bloom

Thanks for this post traillius. This is the biggest part of my life and my recovery, that is, my relationship with God. I count it as my greatest privilege to be able to know Him and have a personal relationship with Him.

I know that I have wondered why many things had to happen, but whatever happened happened. I'm OK and survived. The damage has been vast for me, but I'm still here and happy to be that way. No matter what, I am blessed.

Beside working on my recovery and the difficulties I experience with that, the only problem that I have with my relationship with God is my inability to figure out mentally, emotionally and spiritually how to forgive my perpetrators. I really, really want to, but I don't know how. I could say that I do, but to know it and feel it is a different story. I'm working on it. That is my goal. Who am I that I should hold on to the anger and the hurt and unforgiveness, when I know that God has forgiven me.

I know that God is good all of the time and that He understands where I am. I absolutely know how you feel. I don't doubt God, I only doubt myself. I agree, too, with you, calv, that the abuse has refined my faith. I have learned that the world is full of imperfection. But, God is perfect and He takes my hand and walks me through it all.

I Still Believe In God!In 1968 when I was a 6 year old my mom started to send me to church. She went to the Sunday service with me and that was it. She did not go to the church any other time because she was afraid that she would be ask questions about home life ect...but she sent me to everything there was for a child my age. The only catch was that I had to walk to the end of the block and turn the corner out of sight of my house and continue down the long lonely sidewalk to the big white doors alone. So hard to open, so afraid of getting my hand trapped. I remember how it smelled as I entered, with heart pounding and??? (memories evaporate after this, I still don't know why I cannot remember anything about church????) If my mother ever knew how terrifying all of this was she would have kept me home, but she was a victim too and home was it's own little nightmare. (I can feel this all so vividly as I write) Being little and in the situation I was in was lonely. Just me, mom and he/she? Kind of like climbing up out of hell and walking a demonic gauntlet of terror on the way to church. I don't remember what happened at church. I only remember that picture of Jesus on the wall and somehow, someway He was there and held my hand, every time, on that long walk that was at night and during the day, hot or cold, rain or shine, relentless. I don't remember either end of the trip only the long treks back and forth. I think she really wanted them to see, not realizing.....seeing and helping are two different things. But He walked with me and walks with me. When I was a boy I could sometimes see Him and He would tell me things and I could see angels and oh how they want to help but they cannot cross over without our help. I know it sounds crazy! but I am balling my eyes out, I don't know why, it just happens (and happens, and happens.......) I could not live if He was not holding my hand. The church hates me and rejects me. It does not understand nor care to understand my problems. I am not imagining this, I have been told in so many words more than once. Beware confiding in religious friends, watch the relationship change, like magic. I am not criticizing anyone, it just hurts, that's all. I do not fault them for they are filled with sick people who are mostly in denial about a lot of stuff themselves. Considering what goes on under their own roofs, I am not surprised. No matter! If I am condemned by the masses as a non believer unless I pretend to live another man's life, so be it, for He Still Holds My Hand!! I Still Believe In God!

I sometimes think if all this would be easier if I still had faith. I always found comfort in things like prayer before I stopped believing. But then I realize I'd rather face a hard truth than believe a beautiful lie.

I'm not trying to rag on anyone's beliefs and if your faith in whatever/whoever has helped you then by all means keep doing what you're doing. Just saying things from my personal perspective is all.

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"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."-Carl Sagan

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