Thread For Writers

So the last thread got closed apparently, but looking through it again there was so much dope material in there I figured I'd start another one. Feel free to kick bars/constructive feedback on people's bars in this thread, I'll start it off.

"The type of bomb you don't get to defuse in seconds/
The contours are smooth but it's better in two dimensions/
The cortex is alive with the breath of a brutal engine/
While angels spit in the face of heaven's diluted presence/
Cherubic rebels too dishevelled for the pearly gates/
Perpetrating acts of introversion with invertebrates/
Learning to regurgitate the version of the gospel
Where a hostile god could conjure up the urge to make the world shake/
And I'll be there when it reverberates in jest
Middle finger to the air like "I'm supposed to be impressed?"
Leather jacket, James Dean, even closer to my death
East of Eden, North of Babylon and going to the West
That plastic lighter dances in a pyroclastic pirouette
Pointe shoe princess got the eyes to match her silhouette
Paralyzed by potency, my blood is full of icicles
But I am just the narrator, I'm fucking unreliable"

i have no idea wtf you said, that was some aesop rock shit. ne wayz, just wrote this

Ok, bridges I burned some, lessons I learned some
Money I spend some, lent some, earned some
My eyes tell a tale of the hell I returned from
Spark up a L for the homies I haven't heard from
Burn when the urge come
I’m living lurge(large)
Never chilling on the curb, just a villian on the verge, son
My tenth shot is ass official as the third one
Second one, first one
Worse come, the worst run
When I was pushed out of the womb the earth spun
The only way to describe this is enertia
Some rappers think they could try me, Who the first up?
I don’t guarantee no survivers, nigga surfs up
Yeah, soul on ice, courage and sacrifice, hold on tight
And save your laughter for the afterlife
These chumps thinkin they good, ain't even half as nice
Your fate will be a one-way ticket to paradise

So the last thread got closed apparently, but looking through it again there was so much dope material in there I figured I'd start another one. Feel free to kick bars/constructive feedback on people's bars in this thread, I'll start it off.

"The type of bomb you don't get to defuse in seconds/
The contours are smooth but it's better in two dimensions/
The cortex is alive with the breath of a brutal engine/
While angels spit in the face of heaven's diluted presence/
Cherubic rebels too dishevelled for the pearly gates/
Perpetrating acts of introversion with invertebrates/
Learning to regurgitate the version of the gospel
Where a hostile god could conjure up the urge to make the world shake/
And I'll be there when it reverberates in jest
Middle finger to the air like "I'm supposed to be impressed?"
Leather jacket, James Dean, even closer to my death
East of Eden, North of Babylon and going to the West
That plastic lighter dances in a pyroclastic pirouette
Pointe shoe princess got the eyes to match her silhouette
Paralyzed by potency, my blood is full of icicles
But I am just the narrator, I'm fucking unreliable"

Click to expand...

This is cool for what it is. If you're gonna use it in a song it's gonna be really hard to flow/deliver. Better as spoken word (but you said bars so I'm assuming you'd be rapping it on a song).

Most of the time "vocab" rappers just string big words together and go for some contrived meaning that is total BS, but you were able to do it while still being coherent and having some dope rhyme schemes, which is what makes the verse props-worthy.

If you were able to have this verse and still make it melodic/ "song-worthy" I'd be extra impressed. Good shit, keep it up!

i have no idea wtf you said, that was some aesop rock shit. ne wayz, just wrote this

Ok, bridges I burned some, lessons I learned some
Money I spend some, lent some, earned some
My eyes tell a tale of the hell I returned from
Spark up a L for the homies I haven't heard from
Burn when the urge come
I’m living lurge(large)
Never chilling on the curb, just a villian on the verge, son
My tenth shot is ass official as the third one
Second one, first one
Worse come, the worst run
When I was pushed out of the womb the earth spun
The only way to describe this is enertia
Some rappers think they could try me, Who the first up?
I don’t guarantee no survivers, nigga surfs up
Yeah, soul on ice, courage and sacrifice, hold on tight
And save your laughter for the afterlife
These chumps thinkin they good, ain't even half as nice
Your fate will be a one-way ticket to paradise

Click to expand...

this is more my kind of shit. dope rhyme schemes throughout, just reading it has a flow to it, dope word play but not over-the-tope with it, and got some real life shit in it.

I think the first half is more well-developed than the second, though. Also, it doesn't have the same theme/"feel" as the first half does. If looking for advice, I'd say you'd be better off using everything after "tenth shot as official as my third one" in a different verse (but that's just my .02.. you do you)

This is cool for what it is. If you're gonna use it in a song it's gonna be really hard to flow/deliver. Better as spoken word (but you said bars so I'm assuming you'd be rapping it on a song).

Most of the time "vocab" rappers just string big words together and go for some contrived meaning that is total BS, but you were able to do it while still being coherent and having some dope rhyme schemes, which is what makes the verse props-worthy.

If you were able to have this verse and still make it melodic/ "song-worthy" I'd be extra impressed. Good shit, keep it up!

Click to expand...

Thanks g I appreciate the critique...I actually do have it set to a rhythm (Aesop's Cycles to Gehenna beat), but I guess that doesn't necessarily translate to the written form.

I definitely hear you on the BS you get from cats jocking Aesop (which I'm completely guilty of tbf), but I make a point of imparting some significance to anything I write, even if I'm the only one who can decipher it. With that being said though, I also like a little bit of semantic ambiguity that forces the listener/reader to develop their own interpretation.

Thanks g I appreciate the critique...I actually do have it set to a rhythm (Aesop's Cycles to Gehenna beat), but I guess that doesn't necessarily translate to the written form.

I definitely hear you on the BS you get from cats jocking Aesop (which I'm completely guilty of tbf), but I make a point of imparting some significance to anything I write, even if I'm the only one who can decipher it. With that being said though, I also like a little bit of semantic ambiguity that forces the listener/reader to develop their own interpretation.

Click to expand...

Oh, no, I could definitely tell there was a rhythm to it -- I just meant that the rhythm I was picking up seemed more poetic than "rappy", but if you did it to a beat then I'm sure it was only because of it being written.

times are a-changin' - i feel indifferent though
a while back "instagram" meant your dealers didn't loaf
but yo, i don't suffer from drug addiction
fuck no, i'm comfortable once i'm trippin'
my secret stash, high chiefin' hash
watch the eye bleeds that visine can mask
tabs, shrooms, speed, coke, crack fumes, weed smoke
stab wounds, please know that's you - breathe slow
the kushido blade, a shogun with scissors
roll blunts, smoke tons, don't throw up his liquor
on some stupid shit, indica's ripe for buddha hits
lucid trips, yup i'm in the cut like a Junior Mint
happy pleadin' the fifth, treat it as if
it's the greeziest piff, that means keepin' it zipped
slap the cuffs on me...first you see me then you don't
too sneaky for the police, Houdini it and GHOST

Oh, no, I could definitely tell there was a rhythm to it -- I just meant that the rhythm I was picking up seemed more poetic than "rappy", but if you did it to a beat then I'm sure it was only because of it being written.

got any tracks laced?

Click to expand...

Ahh gotcha bro, good looks.

Nothing at the moment tbh, my set-up is pretty basic in terms of production, I've just been focusing on accumulating material so that as soon as I upgrade my software I've got shit to record.

times are a-changin' - i feel indifferent though
a while back "instagram" meant your dealers didn't loaf
but yo, i don't suffer from drug addiction
fuck no, i'm comfortable once i'm trippin'
my secret stash, high chiefin' hash
watch the eye bleeds that visine can mask
tabs, shrooms, speed, coke, crack fumes, weed smoke
stab wounds, please know that's you - breathe slow
the kushido blade, a shogun with scissors
roll blunts, smoke tons, don't throw up his liquor
on some stupid shit, indica's ripe for buddha hits
lucid trips, yup i'm in the cut like a Junior Mint
happy pleadin' the fifth, treat it as if
it's the greeziest piff, that means keepin' it zipped
slap the cuffs on me...first you see me then you don't
too sneaky for the police, Houdini it and GHOST

I wrote this a while back, I'll post it in here. I have no idea if it's good or what, none of my friends know shit about rap/writing, and aren't interested, so I don't want to ask them. Any feedback is super appreciated.

Single mother runs for cover
from the circling buzzards overhead
Birds of prey feast on the
blood and guts of sluts who end up dead
Moved into a nondescript derelict
in the conflicted side of town
where masochists are banging tricks
and all kings become uncrowned
She had a beautiful blue eyed girl
who had all the potential in the world
Intelligent individual; wondering why galaxies whorled
Interested in ethics ;she wasn't even seven yet
Unaware of her lifelong game of Russian Roulette

I wrote this a while back, I'll post it in here. I have no idea if it's good or what, none of my friends know shit about rap/writing, and aren't interested, so I don't want to ask them. Any feedback is super appreciated.

Single mother runs for cover
from the circling buzzards overhead
Birds of prey feast on the
blood and guts of sluts who end up dead
Moved into a nondescript derelict
in the conflicted side of town
where masochists are banging tricks
and all kings become uncrowned
She had a beautiful blue eyed girl
who had all the potential in the world
Intelligent individual; wondering why galaxies whorled
Interested in ethics ;she wasn't even seven yet
Unaware of her lifelong game of Russian Roulette

Click to expand...

Cool shit you have some dope concepts, read more like a poem though.

The mechanics of rap verse can be kinda tricky, regardless I enjoyed this shit.

Sometimes, I think I'm a loser, gimme a cardboard box,
Sick of minutia, I'm starved for thought,
But I'm much better off than the kids in Fallujah,
The game's still too small, it's a par four plot,
I'm type lost, got a pen that I use as a sand wedge,
Other patrons watching, cuz it don't make damn sense,
But I still I swing, hoping I'm hittin' the green,
Yet I never bad feel when I'm hittin' some trees,
If you know what I mean,
That shit ain't fog dog, I'm a smoking machine,
It puts me in the bunkers and I'm stuck in the rough,
Staring at the ball cups like their something to fuck,
I play a new game, trying to keep keeping it peace,
Used to carry nine irons on the previous greens,
Now I'm sittin', no clubs, just a whole bunch of wedges,
Taking swings at everything cuz I'm so fucking reckless...

Fundamentally skilled, I build for the culture..
Elevated my level from omega to alpha..
Ultra-magnetic..connected, I represent it..
Studyin’ the pioneers to innovate what they invented..
Respect due..what I learned, now I give it back..
Strapped wit’ the wisdom to keep the rhythm intact..
Make music..another stage in the movement..
When I hit the cypher, you know im showin’ and provin’..
I do it for my people, and keep the highest integrity..
Im nice wit’ it – like I aint tryna make an enemy..
I write wit’ the same pen I wrote my first rap wit’..
To culminate a legacy of buildin’ every verse crafted..
Mastered it, but its all the same drama..
Don’t wanna die without hall of fame honors..
And best believe – that imma do what I wanna..
Cuz my nature is natural like the flora and fauna..
Cant stoppa, stoppa – imma keep growin’..
Dropp’a propper rap on the beat when im flowin’..
Imma Hip Hopper..gotta knack to be artistic..
I can build a universe wit’ a few bars and a rhythm..
I know alotta rappers, who can rocka sick flip..
Kick snare kick kick – and spit rare linguistics..
Different dialects..vocalizin’ from a distance..
To build globally from a localized existence..
Worldwide – for the breakers and the djs..
Graff artists spray paint the street slang we say..
And motivate to get the name on the mural..
In that crazy 3D Daim style burner, yo..
Wall to wall..end to end..i forever blend..
Reality with a place that I never been..
When im in it..my creativity is measureless..
I put my verse into a box, it turned into a treasure chest..
I opened it, and seen a universe inside it..
The same rotation that my mind synchronized wit’..
I recognize it – then apply it..
Methodically, with the methodology of theoretical scientists..

i remember way, way back in the day
when everybody used to tell me "hey, rap's just a phase"
they were wrong, favorite genre - a habit that stayed
and gradually made me into its adamant slave
burned the grass from this maze with a passionate flame
no feedback, sea captains the way we mastered the .wavs
back in the game, thumbs are calloused & rough
we triforcing it in, rumblepak'in the blunts
stubble swaggin' it up, yup and speakin' of games...
i could easily play Chrono Trigger til my old bones wither
a stoned, cold killer whose trigger fingers are resin tipped
the king of the seven sins, most distinguished of gentlemen
GOD FUCKIN DAMN, i'm a nervous wreck
who'll take a hammer to your hands until a nerve is wrecked
purposeless, you a clown like that joke character Dan
fuck up, now go home and be a family man, (P!)

So the last thread got closed apparently, but looking through it again there was so much dope material in there I figured I'd start another one. Feel free to kick bars/constructive feedback on people's bars in this thread, I'll start it off.

"The type of bomb you don't get to defuse in seconds/
The contours are smooth but it's better in two dimensions/
The cortex is alive with the breath of a brutal engine/
While angels spit in the face of heaven's diluted presence/
Cherubic rebels too dishevelled for the pearly gates/
Perpetrating acts of introversion with invertebrates/
Learning to regurgitate the version of the gospel
Where a hostile god could conjure up the urge to make the world shake/
And I'll be there when it reverberates in jest
Middle finger to the air like "I'm supposed to be impressed?"
Leather jacket, James Dean, even closer to my death
East of Eden, North of Babylon and going to the West
That plastic lighter dances in a pyroclastic pirouette
Pointe shoe princess got the eyes to match her silhouette
Paralyzed by potency, my blood is full of icicles
But I am just the narrator, I'm fucking unreliable"

i wouldn't exactly consider myself a good writer, and this has some personal shit in it but nobody here really knows me so fuck it, here goes...

Another year’s ‘bout to end, 2012
Part of me feels I’m being drowned in a fountain of health
The more I accomplish the more I’m doubting myself
People think the only thing I wanna talk about is myself
Pardon me… wasn’t there an apocalypse?
The fuck is this, tell me who your prophet is
Don’t point at the Mayans and say they weren’t honest, kid
Cause in their eyes an apocalyptic prophecy does not exist
So what kind of a farce is this? just a bunch of narcissists
That saw a story to make some profit with
Maybe some guys sitting up in parliament
Trying to distract from issues on the Gaza Strip
And other shit that is actually happening
Innocent lives lost from drones attacking them
Children manufacturing weapons for combatting THEM
I guess we should be glad Obama’s back again
Then again… at least in the US something’s going on
The Austrian parliament feels like politics gone wrong
A comedy skit where the punchline does not exist
Reading the newspaper at work exceeds my tolerance
But on some positive shit, I got a job now
Small-time shit, but I can’t say I’m not proud
Suited up when I walk rounds
Bitch talk loud or shoot a picture and get walked out
Stand-up dude that’ll sit y’all down
Walk out and the kid rocks out to HipHop sounds
I dig all styles if it’s tip-top rhymes
An inspiration for me to spit raw lines
At all times, stepped it up this year
Still ain’t write enough to make the shit clear
Wasted too much time just sitting here
Plus real life issues tend to interfere
My mom lost her job, but I get the feel
That somehow it’s really not the biggest deal
For some reason she enjoys just sitting still
And in the meantime she’s picking up some different skills
And I’ve been trying to get women
But still don’t get what I need to know
Been bad at this since the beginning
But at this point I feel really slow
Ladies, how the fuck does your mind work?
Do you mind sharing your mind ‘cause mine hurts
You wanna feel like beautiful women, that’s fine, girls
I don’t know you, I’d be lying to say you’re my world
But I made mistakes too, there’s really no doubt
And I apologize sincerely if I weirded you out
It seems it’s really hard for me to let my feelings come out
But this year brought me closer to seeing what that’s really about
2012 introduced me to a very special person
But the way I treated you has me actually hurting
You see I’m a prick, can’t communicate my feelings for shit
Thought I couldn’t reject you but for some reason I did
Thought I couldn’t neglect you, but really I did
If beauty is wealth, you’re unbelievably rich
Acted like I didn’t want you, but really I did
If beauty is wealth, you’re unbelievably rich…

So don’t ever let ‘em tell you you’re so-so
Don’t ever let ‘em tell you you don’t glow
Don’t ever let ‘em tell you “don’t go!”
You got the right to walk down your own road
The world ended ten days ago, but still we staying though
Ain’t nothing over till we’re saying so
Make up your own mind on what these words mean
And have a great twenty-thirteen