Warning: Reading this column will change your life. I reveal secrets which other doctors won’t tell you. They will hate me for it, because you need never pay for their services again.

I have recently given up doctoring, with its snail-paced, uncertain outcomes, and instead dedicated my life to writing popup facebook ads. Professional shackles removed, I can finally bring you proven cures which have been known since ancient times, but kept secure by the Doctors’ Code.

Ironically, the proof was there all along, if only you had clicked on the close-up photo of the exotic fruit seeds. It took me until age forty-five to allow my curiosity to overcome my bland scepticism, but since using their method I have become only thirty-two.

Eating nothing but these sensually-juicy plump seeds for a year not only made me lose 100.99% of my body fat; it smoothed my skin to the point where women in swimsuits continually ask me if I am Justin Bieber.

“No,” I smirk kindly, brushing some excess seeds out of my dark hair. “No, but he wishes I was.”

I then reveal to them how one weird tip made my belly smaller for under five dollars.

I bought some plain-label cling wrap—not the expensive brand your doctor tries to sell you—and wrapped the first layer around my belly. I kept wrapping until I had used every last bit. And then wrapped some more! For just five dollars I got 400 meters of wrap clinging to everything except my eyes and one nostril.

Like you, I was sceptical that an all-gluten diet could enhance virility until I clicked on the young man’s six-pack. I didn’t even know what gluten looked like until I imported my first barrel, but it does so much more than just cure coeliac disease.

Liquid gluten fuelled the pyramid-builders of Ancient Egypt—some say it was the very glue that held the project together. Over the millennia the secret ingredient was lost and now they are blaming Peter Greste.

Regardless, since I switched from seeds to pure gluten, even ordinary housewives are astonished by my new prowess. Mary from Wisconsin said “I never expected he would become so manly with me, yet loving.”

A celebrity added “[Since his gluten miracle diet,] how hot was Justin [Coleman] in that music video?”

For even more shocking miracle ingredients and testimonials the authorities didn’t want you to hear, simply click on my ads as they pop up to the right of your screen. But be warned: for every five dollars you spend on this stuff, one doctor will go broke.