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We went on our second date Thursday night. Our first date was in 1999. We went to the movies to see the first Star Wars prequel. That’s how I know how long ago it was.

What the hell took us so long? Well, we just fell out of touch. Life happens. I think I saw her a half-dozen times between our first date and our second date. I did my thing, she did hers. Our second date contained a lot of “catching up”.

In 1999, I was crazy about this girl. I just thought she was the cutest little thing I’d ever laid eyes upon. I still think she’s hot, even if she doesn’t think so herself. She confessed how she felt about her body and it made me sad yet oddly reassured. Because I feel the same way about myself and I guess just about everyone else. We can be really shitty to ourselves and those we claim we love, I guess.

That aside, I had a wonderful time with her Thursday night. We went for ice cream and sang karaoke. She sang two songs, one by Cyndi Lauper and the other by Fleetwood Mac. I sang “Somebody To Love” by Queen and tore the place down. I got crazy amount of love and dap from people. Strangers giving me a pound. I enjoyed myself. It wasn’t fair. I’m a professional singer. They didn’t know that, let them enjoy themselves.

When I got back to our table, she kissed me. And then we kissed some more. And then we went back to her place. . . and we kissed some more. And we listened to Queen and Frank Zappa. You know you got a keeper when you make out with a girl while listening to Frank Zappa and she’s the one who put it on!

It was sweet and teenage. No funny stuff. I didn’t even go to second base. I rubbed her tummy and gave her a foot massage. All warm cuddles and butterfly kisses. I left her place around 2 in the morning. Nothing unwholesome. I drove home happy as a clam. The beamingest boy in the whole wide world.

I don’t know when we’ll see each other again, but I know we will. Depends on her new work schedule, which she won’t get until next week. I’ll try to contain myself.

Okay, I got this. If he’s anything like most guys, he’s gonna want you to show up on time. Punctuality is key when it comes to romance. That’s the first rule of dating, I don’t know if you knew that. Be on time. If you need to pack your suitcase, take the time in advance to do that. Don’t waste valuable time doing something you could have done already. That’s why I never make my bed or clean the house.

The most important thing about packing your suitcase is that it has all the tools necessary to make the evening go by smoothly. Rubber suit (goes without saying), ball-gags (goes without being able to say), and strap-on attachment are the bare minimum on most second dates. The suitcase should go into the bathroom shortly after you enter his place, for convenience.

At some point, he will put the movie in and you will pretend to watch it together. Needless to say, you are too preoccupied with your thoughts to watch it. Same goes for him. You do not touch each other. You sit a comfortable distance from each other. You don’t even talk to each other. You stare at the screen in silence and contemplate your life, your bank account, your growing, untamed horniness. This is what scientists call “foreplay”.

At some point, you ask him to pause the movie so you can go to the restroom. “I’ll just be a minute, I really have to pee”. Those are the ten words that make a man’s phallus swell up like it got caught in a garage door. You will excuse yourself, walk to the restroom and open the suitcase with the rubber suit, the ball-gags, the strap-on attachment and whatever other goodies you could fit in there. Here’s a tip from the pros: bring a carrot and some ear candles.

When you return from the bathroom, the last traces of your humanity should be gone. You are no longer just a nice 18-year-old girl on her second date, you are Lady Iodine Capybara or whatever your mistress name is, clad in a tight rubber suit from head to toe with a strap-on attachment dangling around your waist. You should not be surprised to find that not only is your date completely naked, he has his own ball-gag firmly inserted into his mouth making your own ball-gag obsolete on this occasion (Pro tip: Always think to bring a ball-gag in any event. Be Prepared, wise men say).

If he’s any kind of good lover, he has already put on some mood music while you were in the bathroom. Something to really put this date over the top, something that captures the moment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ih2mqYBiLvo

What happens there is really up to you. You’re the boss, lady. More specifically, you’re his boss.

One last thing. If by some fluke he freaks out and says he’s not into that sort of thing when you walk out of the bathroom in your rubber suit, he may just want to be your platonic friend.