On Monday, July 27, 2009, my son, Micah Robert Wessman, went to his eternal home in Heaven after only 9 short months here on earth, his temporary home. This blog is a journal of our grief and how I am trying to lean upon the promises of God and my hope in Jesus Christ in order to meet the great challenges of grieving my son.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Before we lost Micah, I was under numerous misconceptions about how we ought to support those in grief. One of these was a misunderstanding about how to best support those in grief in the context of everyday conversation. I incorrectly assumed that any reference to the deceased would trigger certain memories or emotions that he or she had not previously experienced. In reality, a grieving person could tell you that you cannot harm them by discussing the deceased. A grieving person does not “pack away” memories of the deceased into the attic of the mind, and then only bring out these memories when someone else refers to the deceased. Anyone grieving the death of a loved one will tell you that thoughts of their loved one are nearly constantly on their mind.

In our case, we have found that, when a friend or family member is kind enough to converse about Micah, the conversation brings a flood of emotions, not because we have not already been grieving inwardly, but because the conversation provides an outlet to share these emotions. Rather than resulting in unwelcome emotions, sharing memories with us provides us with a welcomed outlet for our emotion.

According to our mentors Pat and Judy Misener, it is incumbent upon us, as the grieving parents, to grant others “permission” to enter into grief. In other words, because friends and family members don’t realize that it actually benefits us to talk about our deceased child, we need to invite them to do so. Whether we initiate conversations surrounding Micah, or even create new traditions or activities to remember Micah, it is good and healthy for us to “invite” others to grieve along with us.

If you know a grieving parent, I encourage you to accept any invitation offered to you to enter into their grief by conversing with them about the deceased loved one.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

In the last scene of the movie, “Tree of Life,” the main characters are shown walking together through the ocean surf in front of a beautiful sunset. The movie follows a family of five (three sons—just like ours) through various times of life. While the disjointed plot of the movie does not provide us with many of the details, we do learn at one point that one of the boys had died unexpectedly. This final scene of the movie, in which all three of the boys are pictured together with their parents, provides a moving image for us, as we await our great reunion in Heaven.

Of particular interest in this final scene was the fact that the deceased son was pictured as a young boy, and not as an adult, like the other two sons who reached adulthood. Instead, he is shown to us as he was portrayed earlier in the movie--at about 7 to 10 years old. For these parents, they enjoyed not only a joyful reunion with their sons, but were reunited with their long-deceased child according to how they, as parents, last remembered him.

As grieving parents, Heather and I have often wondered how old Micah will appear to us when we see him again in Heaven. Will he be 9 months, or will he have grown older in the interim, just as we have grown older here on earth? Like other grieving parents we speak with, it is our hope that we might be able to see our son as he appeared to us, so that we might be able to not only enjoy our son’s presence again, but enjoy the very process of seeing him “grow up.”

I was surprised to learn that many Christian theologians down through the centuries have asked the question of how old we will appear to be in Heaven. Thomas Aquinas, for example, argued that regardless of our age when we die here on earth, we will all be about 33 years of age in Heaven—about the age of Jesus when we was crucified and resurrected. The theory is that, since this is the age when most humans reach a peak of physical strength, but before the human body starts to degenerate, then this is the age we will all be, as pictures of perfection. According to contemporary author Hank Hanegraaf, “If the blueprints for our glorified bodies are in the DNA, then it would stand to reason that our bodies will be resurrected at the optimal stage of development determined by our DNA.”

Others suggest that the New Earth will be filled with people of all different ages. For example, in Isaiah 11:6-9 we are told that, in the New Earth, “…the infants will play near the hole of the cobra, and the young child put his hand into the viper’s nest…” If infants are going to play next to cobras and vipers in the New Earth, then not everyone can be 33 years of age! Instead, grieving parents might have the opportunity to parent their children through those years that they thought they had lost with them here on earth.

I’ve decided that it is OK for us to consider how we will see Micah again on that wonderful day. While we don’t know for certain how Micah will appear to us, we can be certain that God will reveal Micah to us in a way that will give us the most joy and God the most glory. For many children, Christmas is so enjoyable because, regardless of what they receive as gifts, they know that they will not be disappointed. Similarly, we as believers can look forward to Heaven, because while we might not know what Heaven will be like, we know we won’t be disappointed.

The Story of Micah's Last Days on Earth

During the week of July 20th, 2009, I (Cory) hired a roofing company to re-shingle our home in South Minneapolis. On Thursday afternoon, July 23rd, Heather went to her sister's house in Edina to avoid the noise and allow Micah to nap per his normal routine. In the early evening, Micah had his usual dinner. He sat in a plastic high chair that was secured on top of a regular table chair. After enjoying his finger foods of chicken and peas, Heather went to the sink to get a cloth to clean up Micah's face and hands.

During that time, Micah was accidentally unbuckled from his chair. As Heather walked back to Micah to wash him up, she watched as Micah leaned forward to touch his toes and tumbled forward, falling head first onto the ceramic tile.

Heather was within feet of Micah and immediately picked up Micah from the floor. Micah cried loudly for about 30 minutes. After about 30 minutes of crying and wanting to be held by his mother, he calmed down. Micah developed a bump above his left eye. Micah also developed a strange cough immediately after the fall.

Heather made several calls to the pedicatrician and to the Children's Hospital emergency room to determine if Micah should be seen and evaluated by a doctor. After conflicting suggestions, Heather decided to take Micah down to the ER to be evaluated. Micah was seen by a resident and a doctor and was checked over for any signs of head injury or other injuries. The doctors determined that Micah exhibited no signs of a concussion or other head injury, and so no head scan was taken. Heather and I informed the doctors of the cough, but the doctors felt that the cough was unrelated to the fall. Heather, Micah and I then went home.

On Friday, July 24th, Micah seemed happy and acted normal. Micah engaged in his normal Friday activities, including going to music class. In the evening, Micah developed a temperature following his normal bedtime. He woke up fussy and was not acting life himself. Heather called the pediatrician and the ER triage nurse. The nurse indicated that the fever was unrelated to the fall, and that if his temperature rose to 105 to bring him back to the ER. After several hours of trying to consol Micah, we decided to bring him back to the ER for further evaluation.

At the ER, the nurse practictioner who was assigned to Micah determined that Micah had developed pneumonia. The chest x-ray showed pneumonia but no signs of further complications. Micah was given an IV antibiotic. He was discharged and given instructions to meet with the pediatrician for an antibiotic shot the following day. The issue of the cough was brought up again; it was determiend that he could has aspirated some food (i.e. swallowed food down his lung) because of the fall. The doctor was not overly concerned about the cough.

On Saturday, July 25th, Micah was seen by his primary pedicatrician. He was given a shot of antibiotic and was further evaluated. It was determined that no further treatment was necessary, but that Micah should be seen by the pediatrician the following Tuesday for an x-ray. The x-ray would determine if the pneumonia had improved. If it had not, the pediatrician should that it would be necessary for a doctor to sedate Micah and use a scope to remove the foreign body from Micah's lung.

On Sunday, July 26th, we were hoping to attend the 11:00 am service at Bethlehem Baptist Church in downtown Minneapolis. Before church, I headed to Target around 9:30 to pick up a prescription for Micah. Micah woke up from his nap while Heather was drying her hair in the bathroom. Micah let out a terrible little cry, and Heather immediately ran into his run. Micah then started chocking, and immediately turned blue.

Heather called 911 and started CPR on Micah. I arrived home and tried to relay CPR instructions from the 911 operator to Heather, who was attempting to resuscitate Micah. Within 1 minute of my arrival, the fire department arrived. The fire department personnel attempted, to no avail, to resuscitate Micah. Within 2 or 3 minutes, the paramedics arrived. They, too, were unsuccessful in attempting to resuscitate Micah.

After about 25 more minutes, Micah was transported by ambulance to Children's Hospital in Minneapolis. Heather rode in the front seat of the ambulance. I rode with a police officer in his squad car behind the ambulance.

Once at the hospital, a team of doctors and nurses continued their attempts to resuscitate Micah. We were met almost immediately at the hospital by a social worker and a chaplain. During the next 20 minutes or so, we continued to receive updates that the doctors and nurses were not able to resuscitate Micah. At that time, we were told by one of the head doctors to go into Micah's room and say goodbye to Micah.

As we were walking into the room, the doctors stopped us and indicated that they had been able to finally get a pulse going again. They were also able to incubate him and, with the assistance of machines, get him breathing again. The head doctor apparently made hard chest compression to restart Micah's heart. The doctors immediately cautioned us, however, that because of the length of time that Micah went without oxygen to his brain (about 1.5 hours), he would have permanent brain damage. Micah was then moved to a room in the instensive care unit in South Minneapolis.

Later that afternoon, I was in his room when an Ear-Nose-Throat specialist placed a scope down Micah's lung. There, he found a pea that had collapsed his right lung. The E-N-T specialist was able to remove the pea. At this point, the doctors believe that Micah suffocated on a combination of this pea and the flem material generated by his lung as a result of the pneumonia.

That evening, I asked the nurse in charge of Micah's care whether we should be praying for his recovery or praying for his "going home." She responded, without hesitation, that we should pray for his "going home." Heather and I did not sleep at all that Sunday night. We (along with many others) lifted up many prayers to the Lord asking the Lord to spare our Micah's life.

On Monday, July 27th, Heather and I, along with our families, Pastor Kenny Stokes and our pediatrician met with the head doctor in the intensive care unit to discuss Micah's situation. He indicated that Micah had little to no brain activity, and that he had no chance of recovery. They provided us with the option to remove Micah from life support at any time. At that time, it appeared that he may have had enough brain function to breath on his own if he were removed from the ventilator.

The Lord provided Pastor Kenny with the verse, "Away from the body, present with the Lord." We determined that because Micah would never have any brain activity, it was time for us to say goodbye to our only son, Micah Robert Wessman, so that he could go home to be with Jesus.

All of our extended families gathered in Micah's room. Due to all of the lines and cords coming from his little body, several nurses had to assist in transferring Micah from his bed to my lap. Heather sat in a chair next to me. We sang a number of hymns together, including "Children of the Heavenly Father" and "Jesus Love Me." Heather then kissed Micah goodbye, telling Micah, through tears, to "run to Jesus, sweetie, run to Jesus."

For the next hour, we waited for a local organ donation company to arrive and review Micah's status for organ donation purposes. (We later learned that a child benefitted from receiving Micah's heart valves.) During that time, the doctors determined that Micah's brain functions further deteriorated, and Micah was not able to breath on his own. Apparently, Micah had listed to his mother one last time, and he ran to Jesus.

After meeting with the organ donation company, I went into Micah's room. Also present were my parents, my brother Scott, Pastor Kenny and Tim Gilbert. The doctor and the nursing staff removed all of Micah's tubes. Within a few minutes of having his tubes removed, Micah died in my arms. After a few minutes of holding the body of my son in my arms, my brother read from Romans 11:33-36.

We love our son very much, and always will love him. He will always be our son. It is our strong conviction that after he died, he was received directly into the arms of our loving Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

About Cory (Micah's Dad)

I am 35, a Christian, married to my beautiful wife Heather, and the father of three sons, Micah Robert Wessman, born October 30, 2008, died July 27, 2009; Owen , born May 14, 2010; and Brendan, born August 9, 2011.