Vice Presidential candidate Senator John Edwards met Republican Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney in the only Vice Presidential debate of this election cycle. After watching Senator Edwards being forced to listen to Dick (Dick) Cheney for ninety minutes, the audience deliberated for five minutes before awarding Senator Edwards $82.5 million dollars for pain and suffering.

The Republican National Committee has indicated that they are in no position to fund the settlement; Mr. Cheney may have to liquidate his Haliburton stock in order to avoid a Contempt of Debate charge. One audience member, when interviewed after the debate said, ” I’m from Cleveland and Cleveland is in so much trouble that there was no way the Dick (Dick) Cheney was gonna convince me that he and Bush have made my life better. But what really got me was when Dick (Dick) Cheney tried to tell us that the charges against Haliburton were unfounded. What a load of guano.”

Mr. Cheney did however actually show a spark of humanity when the discussion turned to the issue of Gay Marriage. As most Americans already are aware, Vice President Cheney’s own daughter is a Lesbian. Mr. Cheney has been at odds with his own Administration on this issue and Senator Edwards sympathy seemed to be sincerely appreciated by the Vice President. Of course, Neo-Cons and Religious Conservatives are furious with Mr. Cheney for loving and supporting his daughter.

Minutes later however, Mr. Cheney admitted that at the same time as he tried to convince listeners that the he and President were “deeply concerned” about AIDS, he had no idea that it was an epidemic among young Black women in America. Apparently Mr. Cheney thought that AIDS and Black women were only a problem in Africa.

Admittedly, Senator Edwards previous experience as a trial attorney was a great aid in helping the audience make their decision, that and the fact that at any given moment Mr. Cheney looks like a tired, snarling old curmudgeon while John Edwards radiated a handsome and boyish charm that signaled the new face in American politics.

It is important to note that this reporter has consistently tried to be dispassionate and objective in his reporting that George W. Bush and Dick (Dick) Cheney are sleazy, lying, Neo-Con criminals and that the entire planet would be better off if they were sent to prison for life.

Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.