BEYONCÈ Part 1.

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A lot has happened to me over the course of just a few days. I started a whole new chapter in my life. I’m pretty sure I lost the feeling in my left big toe forever. My ears keep hearing the same melodies and my brain keeps churning the same words.

All the hype around this album

– and I do mean ALL the hype – is more than valid.

And calling the effect of this album “hype” isn’t even correct. “Hype” gives off an aftertaste, as if the look is better than the feel. “Buzz” makes it sound like the talk is quick and somewhat obnoxious.

People – artists and accountants alike – often cite M.J.’s “Thriller” as a major life event. Even Beyoncè has cited the King of Pop for opening up her eyes to the power of music and performance.

Beyoncè just created one of those life events for my generation.

My girls and I flop into our hotel room, throwing off our coats and boots trying to get warm again as fast as possible. Were half undressed when Nancy mumbles “What – what is this?…a video or what…Bey’s new album?” I looked over at the coach and saw the reflection on her face. The sounds of low synthesizers and a banging bass played over the brief silence.

Nicole and Nancy screamed bloody murder. I ran to my laptop and Google searched for my life.

“Beyoncè’s new album is now on iTunes.” I read off the first blog link that appeared.

More screams.

I tried to look it up on iTunes, but Nicole already had it purchased and was watching it download.

Extra screams.

Knocks on the door. I throw on the closest pants. Security. Shut up. Yes, sorry.

The next morning we’re in line for early entry to the concert at the United Center. Eight hours of freezing temperatures, the crazy people you hear about during holiday shopping season, and the helpful, generous, and loyal Beyhive. Lines. Tickets. Running – “Don’t Run!” – “It’s hard not to!” – very front – on the rail.

Luke James is taking us to church – and his look over at us made my great-great-great granddaughter pregnant.

Beyoncè slays – as always – but there’s more this time. The whole stadium is light. Beyoncè is happy. Everyone is happy.

She gives us “XO” and takes her time to feel everything – including the new costume.

Back on the bus – that Nancy and I almost missed from watching “Partition” and “Jealous” before checking out of the hotel – we watch the rest of the videos (she got Harvey Keitel. HARVEY KEITEL.) The rest of the long bus ride we just play the album over-and-over. We do the dance to “***Flawless” in our seats.

Beyoncè really has you thinking you’re sexy as hell, until you remember that you’re not. I’m good with it though. Just think about it – Bey has SO much beauty-fierceness-power-realness and yes – sex appeal – that she makes you think – almost believe – that YOU have Yoncè appeal too.

She be making you wanna drop all that sexy on someone – but then I remember I have no one to drop it on. Then that’s about the time I remember I’m not Yoncè.

Well dang.

But it’s all good, cause plenty of artists have sex appeal and plenty of albums talk about sex and plenty of videos sell sexy – BUT – this album truly delivers what I believe most women want – regardless of what they say or exude: everything. The husband. The baby. The career. The house. And incredible, breath stealing, and frequent rocket-till-waterfall sex.

Beyoncè just proved it possible. And it’s spoken with such honesty that it’s hard for even a bitter, logical butthole like myself to refute it in even the slightest way.

She opened up a new chapter in life.

Maybe it’s because each of her albums covered a phase of my life. I was a gapped tooth kid for Dangerously In Love. I was an overly confident brat for Bday. I was an awkward bloomer for I Am…Sasha Fierce. I was preparing to leave Nebraska for 4. And now I’m attempting to actualize my dreams for BEYONCÈ.I thank her for being my soundtrack.

But I’m mad as hell that she just slid this mess at us like that.

I didn’t just need physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual preparation for that stuff – I needed financial preparation as well! THERE WAS NO PREPARATION!

I didn’t even get to change my clothes before I found out. We barely got any sleep that night before freezing to death for hours (hence the dying toe).

This morning I had to get up and go to work trying not to sing “iiiiiiiiiiii can’t WAAAAAIT TILL IIIII GET HOME SO YOU CAN TURN THAT CHERRY OUT!” like I don’t work in the children’s department of a clothing store. I didn’t have enough time during my 15 minute break to look at all the texts and tweets and Facebook messages and Instagram comments blowing up my phone about the mess that happened. I had to somehow explain to my parents what the concert was like and excuse myself for missing my Grandma’s calls (sorry Ma, but you sort of understand now – right?)

I haven’t even finished Christmas shopping and I’m already concerned about affording another concert trip next year – AND WHERE TO FIND $15.99+TAX FOR THE PHYSICAL ALBUM RELEASE! DANG BEY! YOU JUST GONNA SEND SOMEONE TO ME WITH A COPY OF THE ALBUM RIGHT AS I’M ABOUT TO GO TO THE BANK TO MAKE A DEPOSIT IN MY SAVINGS?? MY SAVINGS BEY?? THAT’S FOR MY LIFE!

Many people do not understand the love for this women and the music and the entire team that makes it work the way it does – and I understand the ignorance. This excitement is completely illogical. It’s unnecessary. It’s expensive.

But life is short. And illogical. And unnecessary. And hella expensive.

This is the stuff that reminds you there are some things worth enjoying on this miserable planet.

So I’m gonna replay this album again and go back to working on the new blog design.