Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Precious

I was walking back to the office. I work at a University. Many times in the summer there are packs of children and teens because they do programs. As I was walking by I passed a pack and one of the young boys thought it would be hilarious to yell at me "Hey Precious!"

Now. I wanted to say something back. But I am 23 years old. I am far too old to argue or verbally assault a young person but unfortunately it does not work that way the other way around.

I just looked back but I went back to hear all the OOOHHHHsssss and AAAWWWWWssss and just went into the office.

What would I have said anyways? Hey! Dont you call me fat! Or hey, yo mamma! Am I hurt? Yes. Do I want to be? No. I do not want to be hurt because I have experienced it so many times. I do not want to be hurt because Gabby is pretty damn awesome and to be offended to be called her is an insult to her, women who look like her and women who love her. Although, being called precious is something a little different. But essentially I was being called fat and unattractive. Am I hurt? Yes. Because I am tired of that. And because it seems like no matter how much I gear myself up to think of myself as a young beautiful intelligent Black women, to society, I am still a fat A-Sexual Black woman. That is what I am before I open my mouth.

The nature of this situation is complex being that these were middle school aged kids and that they were Black and they know plenty of people who look like me. I am sure I am their mother, their aunt, their best friends sister, etc. It still doesn't matter. I grew up with them. And it just seems like I will never get away from the ridicule, whether it be from magazines and books and tv shows and dating websites and people at bars or middle school aged kids waiting for their school bus.

Being fat is exhausting. It really is. Trying to find a treatment plan for a non-socially acceptable ed is even more exhausting, especially when your trying to do HAES and FA and all that good stuff. I am just a bit exhausted.