Soccer: Not That Complicated

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A.C. Milan offers a nouveau riche flash and star power, while Barcelona is the best team in the game.
Zuma Press

By

Matthew Futterman

Updated Feb. 12, 2013 10:45 a.m. ET

Gus Johnson, a veteran TV broadcaster whose distinctively exuberant style became synonymous with the NCAA men's basketball tournament, left his longtime perch at CBS in 2011 for Fox Sports. He's spent the last 18 months studying for his new assignment covering—of all things—international soccer.

As part of Johnson's new gig, he'll be calling the knockout rounds of the annual Champions League competition for European club teams. Johnson has little previous experience calling soccer. Frankly, we didn't even know he liked soccer. So we thought we'd try to help:

Dear Gus:

Congratulations on becoming the voice of international soccer in the U.S. We're pretty sure you'll enjoy the frequent flier miles! So far, you're saying all the right things. You've bowed down humbly to what is perhaps the most judgmental collection of sports fans on the planet, acknowledging that you are a novice and that you've got a pretty steep learning curve ahead of you as you wrestle with the intricacies of the 5-4-1.

As you cram for your first major soccer broadcast gig Wednesday, calling a match between Real Madrid and Manchester United from the Bernabéu Stadium in Spain (Fox Soccer, 2:45 p.m. ET), we thought we'd try to speed up your soccer indoctrination. Below, we've translated the 16 remaining matchups in the Champions League as if they were college basketball teams.

Good luck! Please let us know what else we can do!

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Florida isn't what it used to be.
Getty Images

Arsenal vs. Bayern Munich = Syracuse vs. Michigan State

The Gunners (using the nickname will give you street cred) have deep support in their region and a veteran coach in
Arsene Wenger
who has a distinct philosophy about the right way to play. But Wenger, despite his success, often has to defend himself. Like Syracuse's Jim Boeheim, he probably should have won more—only making one Champions League final appearance. The Gunners produce a ton of talent, and their balletic play makes them the choice of the London intelligentsia, even if their glory is fading.

Cristiano Ronaldo will return to his former playground, Manchester United, with his current team, Real Madrid, in the tie of the round of the UEFA's Champions League. WSJ's Joshua Robinson picks out the games to watch out for. Photo: Getty Images

Bayern Munich is the perennial machine whose players form the heart of the German national side—goalkeeper Manuel Neuer and midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger. Bayern has won four European championships and has made the final in two of the last three years. Like Michigan State's Spartans, they are more efficient than pretty. No team wants to face them, and they are seemingly always there.

Shakhtar Donetsk vs. Borussia Dortmund = Wichita State vs. UNLV

No one west of Kiev grows up dreaming of playing for Shakhtar Donetsk, a team based in a less-than-glamorous outpost in the middle of a big country prone to severe weather.

There are eight Brazilians on the Shakhtar roster, including aging stars Luiz Adriano and Fernandinho. Most of them probably would prefer to play in a different league, on a better team, in a city a little less like Wichita, Kansas. But the champion of the Ukranian League gets a guaranteed spot in the Champions League. Can you say "Missouri Valley Conference?"

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Indiana is college basketball's top team.
Associated Press

At Dortmund's Signal Iduna Park, rowdy fans empty their lungs for a pair of Polish players, Jakub Blaszczykowski and Robert Lewandowski.

Like UNLV, Dortmund somehow won the tournament in the 90s. Also like the Rebels, they probably won't win it again—but are usually worth the price of admission.

A.C. Milan vs. Barcelona = Florida vs. Indiana

A.C. Milan offers a nouveau riche flash and star power. They have striker Mario Balotelli—the sort of goofball Florida coach Billy Donovan might embrace (think Joakim Noah.) Milan is also near the top of Italy's Serie A, which, like Florida's Southeastern Conference, isn't what it used to be.

Barcelona is the best team in the game, period, which the Hoosiers might be, too. They are the favorite side of basketball purists and their top scorer, 7-footer Cody Zeller, is as tall as Barcelona's shrimpy Lionel Messi is short.

Real Madrid vs. Manchester United = Kansas vs. Duke

Madrid seemingly has it all. The history, the rock-star coach (Jose Mourinho) and striker Cristiano Ronaldo, who, as you might say, has "gettin away from the cops speed." Like Kansas, which has just three Kansans on the roster, Madrid looks for players from elesewhere. Seven of the 11 players who've started at least 12 games are foreign.

Often favored but rarely the ultimate champion anymore, Manchester United is the frontrunner everyone loves to hate. Sir Alex Ferguson, the Scottish taskmaster, has been manager since 1986, six years after Mike Krzyzewski started at Duke. Somehow, the best players in the English Premier League—Wayne Rooney, Robin van Persie—always end up wearing the Manchester kit.

Galatasaray vs. Schalke = Oklahoma State vs. Gonzaga

Galatasaray has an owner who made his bones in the energy business. He's the Turkish version of OSU booster T. Boone Pickens. Unal Aysal has spent big money on Ivory Coast's Didier Drogba, who'd been playing in China, and Wesley Sneijder of the Netherlands.

Schalke, like Gonzaga, is the ultimate likeable upstart party-crasher. The team made the Champions League semifinals in 2011. It mixes a collection of second-tier stars from the Netherlands (Klaas-Jan Huntelaar and Ibrahim Afellay), Greece (Kyriakos Papadopoulos) and even the U.S./Germany (Jermaine Jones).

Celtic vs. Juventus = Marquette vs. Michigan

Celtic is the sentimental underdog that likely isn't going anywhere in the tournament. They're desperate to leave the Scottish League in a Marquette-style breakaway from the Big East. Celtic probably shouldn't be alive at this point, but it's hard not to like a team nicknamed "The Hoops" whose leading scorer is Gary Hooper.

Juventus was an Italian powerhouse. Then it got caught in a match-fixing scandal and vanished from view. Now Juventus is leading Serie A and playing some of the world's best soccer. Sound familiar, Michigan?

Valencia vs. Paris Saint-Germain = North Carolina State vs. Oregon

Valencia is Spain's third team, just as the Wolfpack is the third wheel of the Tar Heel state behind Duke and North Carolina. Valencia has drawn with both Real Madrid and Barcelona this season, but has also been shut out by both. Paris Saint-Germain, like Galatasaray, has a sugar daddy: Qatar's royal family bought the team in 2011. The family is to liquefied natural gas what
Nike
's
Phil Knight
is to sneakers and Oregon. PSG picked up Swede Zlatan Ibrahimovic over the summer. Last month it grabbed David Beckham.

Porto vs. Malaga = Arizona vs. Miami

Porto is one of those Champions League mainstays, not unlike an Arizona team that has made six Sweet 16s since 2001. Porto won the championship in 2004 and has been in the last 16 seven times since 2004. Malaga, based in a city on Spain's southern coast, has come out of nowhere to invade the top tier.

The club won a group that included Milan, Zenit St. Petersburg and Anderlecht, which is sort of like beating up on the Atlantic Coast Conference in a down year. Like Miami's top player, DePaul transfer Shane Larkin, Malaga's leading scorer Isco transferred in 2011 from Valencia.

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Gus Johnson
Getty Images

A Short Biography of Gus Johnson

During more than two decades in front of the microphone, sportscaster Gus Johnson has developed a reputation as one of the most animated play-by-play announcers in the business. Perhaps you've heard the 45-year-old, former CBS Sports ham screeching at the end of games in the NCAA men's basketball tournament or proclaiming "Rise and fire!" during jump shots, or describing fast players as having "gettin' away from the cops speed." (Give his call for UCLA-Gonzaga a listen on YouTube.)

Johnson has little experience with soccer, but he's now going to try to adapt his style to the world's most popular sport on one of its biggest stages—the knockout rounds of Europe's Champions League. His first gig: Wednesday's duel between Real Madrid and Manchester United. "Those first 10 minutes, the most important thing is to get my rhythm," Johnson said Monday from Madrid. "Once I get my rhythm then it's going to be fun." Warren Barton, the former England international who will be sharing the booth, said Johnson has been studying up, but should just be himself. "Cristiano Ronaldo has said if he does score he'll be very subdued," Barton said. "I can't see Gus being like that."

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