Monday, 22 August 2016

Did you see the news recently about the Duke of Westminster dying and leaving £9,000,000,000 (NINE BILLION POUNDS!) to his third child - his first son - the male heir to his title? What you might not have realised is that until all the relevant papers are signed off, this money is held in trust by the duke's solicitors.

Not naming any names, but a friend of mine works at the solicitor's office dealing with the late duke's estate, and whilst I was out drinking with him the other night, he let slip that they'd made a right boo-boo. Apparently, towards the end of a particularly busy day, his boss was putting his signature on a few important papers, and somehow he'd managed to get two of his cases mixed up. This happens fairly regularly, I was told, but usually they can bluff their way out of it.

This time, however, one of the papers was to do with the late duke's estate, with the other case being a minor dispute between Cadbury Heath Football Club and their tea bag suppliers. Somehow, because of his boss's incompetence, Cadbury Heath were going to inherit £9bn, with the duke's heir receiving a catering-size box of Ty-Phoo (well, at least the poor guy will never be thirsty, I thought in my semi-inebriated state...). I mentioned to my drinking companion that, coincidentally, I'd be going to Bristol to watch the Heath play Team Solent in the FA Cup the following Saturday.

I'd been in contact with Cadbury Heath earlier in the day, asking if it would be okay to come and take a few photos at the match. They were fine with that, but they did ask me if I could make their ground look bigger than it actually is - which gave me an idea. What if I spent some of their secret fortune on their behalf by hiring some temporary stands for their FA Cup game? Some big ones, like the ones at the finishing line of the marathon in the Rio Olympics. This seemed like such a good wheeze after six (or was it seven...or eight?) pints. I'm sure I could do this online, right here, right now, I thought.

Sure enough, there were some ready-to-erect seated stands available which had been used at an equestrian event in Gloucestershire the previous weekend. Cadbury Heath would love it if they turned up on the day and their ground suddenly had 5,000 seats...

But what about the playing squad? Looking at the Toolstation Western League table, they looked like they were the strongest team in the league, as they were propping up the rest of the clubs, right at the bottom, without a point so far this season. Wouldn't it be great if I could persuade a few top players to sign for them by the weekend? I soon found Sol Campbell's agent's number, and when I mentioned the amount of money that the Heath were soon to have in their possession, he said he would have no problem in persuading Sol to come out of retirement and sign up for my "project".

He then asked me if I'd like to sign Tal Ben Haim as well. I said no.

How to hold a ball with style.

I was looking forward to seeing the fruits of my endeavours as I set off for Bristol on Saturday morning. After the trip in heavy traffic to Bridport two weeks ago, I'd decided to go by train this time, buying a cheap advance ticket. My head was spinning with excitement as I stepped off the train at Temple Meads. "They're going to love their new-look stadium...I wonder if Sol Campbell's turned up yet...I hope they have enough teabags..."

It was tipping down with rain as I boarded the number 43 bus to Cadbury Heath. Up to the top deck to watch Bristol trundle by. Through Russell Town and Redfield we scuttled, past miles of terraces, shops below, flats above, windows shrouded with net curtains to prevent upper decksters from prying. Past inner city petrol stations now converted to hand wash and valeting centres, bored young men in baseball caps sitting outside having a smoke whilst waiting for their next customer.

More bored men in black t-shirts inhaling on e-cigarettes outside of their tattoo parlour, again waiting for custom. Would their next job be a dragon, a mermaid, or something more esoteric? A drunken student wanting a Teletubby emblazoned across their shoulders, perhaps?

Miles more shops, estate agents, takeaways all competing for the Just Eat dollar, the little red sign of the internet go-betweens above every other doorway. Vaping centres, charity shops, rundown churches and gurdwaras, New Look, Greggs, Shoezone...it was just like Shirley.

Then over the ring road, and suddenly, it looked a little more prosperous. This was Cadbury Heath, and I was looking out for the St George's cross painted on the outside of the King William IV pub - The King Billy. There it is! Time to get off!

Corner for Team Solent.

Cadbury Heath's Springfield ground is well hidden. I knew roughly where it should be, so I wandered up a bobbly concreted track next to the Cadbury Heath Sports & Social Club, expecting the football ground to be at the end of the track. It wasn't, but I could see floodlights behind some trees, so I retraced my steps and walked up the next track instead, this time with gravel under foot. Sure enough, there was the football ground, but what a shock! No temporary stands! No Bentley bearing Sol Campbell's personalised number plate! What was going on?!

I texted my friend in a panic. After all, I'd promised the stand erection company and Sol Campbell's agent many thousands of pounds each, and neither had turned up. My friend texted me back almost immediately. He said that his boss had rectified his mistake, and that everything was as it should have been prior to the cock-up. And he'd explained everything to the stand company and Sol Campbell's agent and I owed them nothing.

The agent had offered him Tal Ben Haim for free, but he'd said no.

Well, Cadbury Heath had never known that they had so nearly been in possession of an unimaginable fortune, so I thought I wouldn't mention it whilst I was there.

I was early, so I meandered in through an open gate. Immediately to my left was a toilet block. Around the corner, backing on to the toilets, was a tea hatch in a recess. I sat down on a wooden bench in the recess and gathered my thoughts. At least things were back to normal now. I got up and glanced above me. There was a smart sign with footballs on it telling me that I'd arrived at Cadbury Heath Football Club. Behind me, club officials were confirming the teams for today, official paperwork being prepared for the FA. I hoped they were more competent than my friend's boss.

There was noise coming out of a door to my left. It was "banging beats", the sort that my daughter enjoys. This was obviously the changing rooms. There were barriers outside of the changing room door, over which spectators cannot venture, so I could only walk anti-clockwise around the ground from here. A few yards past the sheltered recess was an Arena stand with faded black and red plastic seats. Beyond the stand, there was hard standing all the way around the ground until the top corner. When I reached this corner, I was able to fight my way along a dirt path underneath some overhanging bushes (relief from the rain!) until I reached a barrier which prevented any access for the final quarter back to the changing rooms.

Did I say "top" corner? Well, it literally is at the top, as there is an impressive slope running diagonally down the pitch - not unlike Petersfield Town, but not quite as steep. From the top of the slope, there is a rather lovely view of the hills beyond Bristol - the last gasp of the Cotswolds - or at least, it would have been a lovely view without all the blooming miserable rain clouds spoiling it.

The only other features of note inside the ground are the dugouts, made of brick and painted red and black.

The clubhouse, decorated with pennants from other clubs - including Team Solent from a previous meeting, as they were playing each other for the third time in successive seasons - and rammed with tables full of ham sandwiches for after-match hospitality, is outside the ground at the bottom of the slope.

Handshakes for a job well done. The clubhouse portakabin in the background.

The story of the match was one of three worldies and a pen (hang on, wasn't that the taekwondo scoring system at the Olympics..."our brave fighter won their contest by three worldies and a pen"?). The Heath began the scoring before my watch had reached 3:02. Attacking down the slope, Matt Huxley received the ball on the left and attempted a delicate chip from the left-hand side of the box. This would have gone awry nine times out of ten, either drifting over the bar, or straight in to the keeper's gloves, but this chip was sprinkled with magical FA Cup dust as the ball wriggled its way through the tiny gap between the keeper's outstretched fingers and the bar.

Team Solent weren't without their chances, but they looked strangely off the pace compared to when I've watched them before. Perhaps it's too early in the season for them and the current crop of players haven't had time to gel yet?

The home side deservedly went 2-0 up after 43 minutes when Jamie Horgan picked the ball up, completely unmarked in the exact same position as Huxley earlier on. This time, instead of a delicate lob, Heath's number 7 moved the ball onto his right foot and went for the curler in to the far corner. I don't know if that one counted as a worldie, but for the purposes of my narrative, we'll say it was.

The students (plus alumni, staff and guest players) of Solent University were three down two minutes later as the ball was lofted in from in front of the covered recess and Huxley got on the end of it to nod in an unstoppable header from 18 yards. The students filming the match from the sidelines (presumably for post-match analysis) would have recorded much to analyse in the first half.

Solent almost got back in to the match soon after the restart, but Matt Sheedy blasted over an open goal from eight yards. Oops. As a series of drizzly showers came and went in the second half, it looked less and less likely that the team from Southampton would produce a miracle, despite playing much, much better than in the opening period. They did get a goal back after 77 minutes, as Patrick Nolan looped a header over Cadbury Heath's custodian, Jamie Powell, but it was never going to be enough.

The Heath put the game beyond doubt with a couple of minutes remaining as substitute Chris Astley was bundled over by the penalty spot. Up stepped Martin Johnson to shoot low and hard to his right.

Post-match handshakes, and then it was time to take the goals down and chain them to the railings, lock away the advertising boards and bins in the sturdy dugouts, and erect wire fences over the stand and recess, making it hard for any local hoolies to do any significant damage before the next game.

4-1 to Cadbury Heath. Their reward? Another home tie, this time against Plymouth Parkway. Win this, and they could be drawn against a relatively big club from the National League South in the following round. Heady days for the Bristolian minnows.

Time to take the goal down and chain it to the railings.

Disappointing for Team Solent, especially after hammering Lydney Town 6-0 away in the previous round. Coincidentally, this was the first time I've featured them and they haven't won.

Better news for Alresford Town, who I featured two weeks ago at Bridport, as they earned a replay in a 1-1 draw away at Southern League Wimborne Town. They'll be at home this Wednesday evening, looking to complete the job they started down in Dorset on Saturday.

This is how the other surviving Hampshire clubs fared this weekend:

CB Hounslow United 2-1 Petersfield Town (one of two local Southern League clubs to fall to lower league opposition)
Spelthorne Sports 2-3 Andover Town
Farnborough 5-1 Longlevens
Yate Town 1-2 Fleet Town
Bashley 1-2 Sholing
Blackfield & Langley 1-2 Paulton Rovers
Gillingham Town 2-0 AFC Totton (the other slain giant from our area)
AFC Portchester 2-0 Mangotsfield United (another upset, but this time in "our" favour)
Whitchurch United 0-3 Moneyfields
Verwood Town 2-2 Fareham Town (replay at Cams on Tuesday)
Hamworthy United 2-1 Brockenhurst

Advertisement boards and bin safely stowed away in the dugout ready to be re-erected next Saturday.

I'll post a few more photos from the game on the HAH Facebook page later this evening.

Incidentally, Cadbury Heath's website tells me that Huxley scored a hat-trick! They may post a report here - I wonder if he got a touch on the second goal?

Now, this is usually the bit where I hint at where I'm going next, but I'm stumped this time! The FA Cup First Qualifying Round on 3rd September features Sholing v Havant & Waterlooville - the Hawks are my team, and they're playing a mere 15 minute drive from my house! I don't really like writing about "my" teams - I'd rather just be cheering them on with gusto and not watching the game through a camera lens, and so, I'll be at Sholing on that day with no HAH report to fret about. I'm not able to report on any local games for the following two Saturdays, so I'm probably going to write about a midweek match next. Don't know where or when yet though!

Enjoy your next game, wherever you may go. I'll be back at some point in the near future...

Monday, 8 August 2016

The main entrance at Bridport FC. There won't be a friendlier welcome all season.

Back again for another season of thrills, spills and - no doubt - the odd bellyache. No more friendlies, no more swapping the entire team around at half-time, no more cramp or stitches through lack of fitness. Football was back on Saturday - proper, no holds barred, competitive football was here again for another season, and it felt great.

Before I get on and describe the match and Bridport's ground, I'll
just spend a little time letting you know HAH's plans for the season
ahead:

I've been writing this blog since January 2011.
The initial aim was to visit and report on every football club in
Hampshire down to the tenth level of English football (the bottom
divisions of the Wessex and Combined Counties Leagues). There were 42
clubs in all, and it took me until the end of the 2012/13 season to
achieve this aim. The following season, I had to do something else, so I
decided to follow the county's clubs in the FA Vase until they were all
knocked out. I chose a good season, because Sholing went all the way to
Wembley and won the cup.

It was during 2013/14 that I
branched out and started visiting grounds outside of the county - I had
to when some of the Vase ties were played in other parts of the country.
But there has always been the one overriding rule that I will feature
at least one club from Hampshire in each match report - this rule will
remain in force until the blog eventually fades away (or goes out with a
bang...).

During 2014/15 and 2015/16, I posted reports from all the clubs that
were in the Wessex League at the time that I'd not previously visited,
so that at the end of last season, I'd written 100 match reports in
total, visited every club in Hampshire down to a certain level, and completed the Wessex League.

So, what to do this season? Do I do something completely different,
or carry on as before? I was giving this some thought over the summer,
when I came up with a reasonably good idea - I usually report on 17
matches in a normal season - why not feature matches in 17 different
competitions and call the series "17 for 16/17"? Looking at the
practicalities, I calculated that there were well over 30 different
competitions that Hampshire non-league clubs would enter this season
between them - depending upon how far down the pyramid I went, there
would be at least 12 leagues/divisions, and many more cups, at national
and county levels, as well as various league cups. And as I intend to
feature at least one women's match this season, the total would increase
even more dramatically.

However, the more I thought
about it, the less appealing the idea became for several reasons, one of
which is the number of cup competitions that are played midweek
(midweek games are difficult for me to get to, and photography under
floodlights tends not to be great). Also, I want to recomplete the
Wessex League, and I'd need some luck with cup draws to feature all of
the new clubs in different competitions.

Bridport's substitute jerseys hanging up inside their dugout, spick and span and ready for action.

And so, there are four new clubs in the Wessex League that I've not previously featured (Baffins Milton Rovers, Hamble Club, Shaftesbury, and Weymouth Reserves) - I clearly have to visit all of these between now and April.

Last season, I also attempted to feature each Hants non-league club that I'd previously only reported on once for a second time. I nearly did it, but failed to feature just the one club for a second time - Combined Counties League Eversley & California, so expect to see one of their matches on here at some point.

As I'm not doing "17 for 16/17", that leaves me with another twelve games to cover, so I've decided to start the season with as many FA Cup and Vase ties as I can practically get to, at grounds I've not yet visited. I'd also like to report on at least four Hampshire Premier Football League clubs and at least one local women's match throughout the season.

Hence, the trip to Bridport for an FA Cup match on Saturday.

Bridport's seated stand.

I'd envisioned a grand day out. I'd heard that Bridport had ambitions to be to record collectors what Hay-on-Wye is to antiquarian book lovers. Upon prior inspection, it appeared that there were three record shops in the town, plus a regular record fair (which I would be missing by a week - it returns to Bridport this Saturday coming). That would do me - a morning of record shopping, a bite to eat in an independent cafe, then off to the match. And if Bridport turned out to be a boring town, there was always the beach at nearby West Bay to explore. Make a day of it, that's what we'd do.

However, I'd forgotten how heavy the traffic is on a Saturday in August travelling west. We set off at 9:30, hoping to arrive in Bridport by 11am. At 11am, we were barely out of the New Forest - caravans and Panzerwagens nose to tail all along the route, stopping, starting, stopping again. First gear, second gear, third gear, stop. Hence, we eventually arrived in Bridport at around 1 o'clock.

There's a public car park attached to Bridport's Beehive ground, for which we paid £2 to park for the rest of the day. All proceeds from parking go to the club, and with there being very few spaces in the car park on Saturday, they probably made just as much money from visitors parking as they did from the 146 football spectators.

We only had an hour or so to wander round Bridport before I left my companions to go to the match, so we set off past the ground to the shopping area. I stopped by the entrance to take a couple of photos, when one of the club officials called me over. He was sat at a table full of souvenirs - club shirts, badges, scarves, and a pile of old programmes. When I asked if I could take a picture of his table of treasures, he called his friend out from the nearby turnstile and they posed together for the photo at the top of the page. I was immediately made to feel welcome, and this carried on throughout the afternoon. What a friendly club!

I bought a pin badge.

The square tower of St Mary's Church.

I need to go back to Bridport to fully appreciate the town, but in the short time I had, it appeared to be full of second-hand and antique shops. I found two record shops, one selling new merchandise, the other selling old. In the second shop, the owner was bemoaning the fact that no-one collects Elvis records any more, as the generation that venerated him slowly dies off. Sad.

On my way back to the ground, I stopped and had a good look at some vintage knobs and knockers, but decided that we didn't really need any more of those at home.

Now, let's take a virtual walk around The Beehive...

By 2:15, the merchandise table had been packed up and moved so that it was the first thing I saw on my left as I entered through the smart red clickable turnstile. However, the table was now bare, but would be used during the game as a seat by one of the club volunteers, residing in the corner to open and shut the gate. Upon the cream-coloured breezeblock wall of the turnstile block was a plaque to indicate that Bees Fans Live Here.

Walking clockwise around the ground, there is hard standing behind the near goal. Around the first corner there is a shallow grass bank. Upon the bank is a red park bench with a Reserved sign. This is where my chum from earlier sat during the first half with his friends, cheering The Bees on.

Further along is an Arena stand with sun-bleached red and black plastic seats, erected in 2003. This replaced the original stand which came with Bridport Town when they moved from their previous ground in 1953. After fifty or more years, I guess it was getting a bit mouldy and rotten with age and had to go. I know the feeling well.

Still moving along the same side, we come to the brick-built, whitewashed tea hut, serving all your favourite football food at reasonable prices. Next to the hut is a round, wooden table with a parasol and several wooden chairs.

At the far corner is the changing room block, with the clubhouse beside it, behind the goal. There is space for cars to park at this end, but not for very many. The groundsman's shed lives in the next corner. Outside the shed is a wheelbarrow with grass growing in it. On the grass is an orange hard hat. Behind the shed is a disused entrance cubicle.

All along the final side is a road, presumably so vans can access the clubhouse and deliver delicious and satisfying barrels of beer, which means that the second piece of cover in the ground needs to be tall, like a barn with one side sawn off and the doors taken out at each end. Along this side is netting strung up on poles to prevent balls flying out of the ground and in to the River Brit (next stop, West Bay and then the English Channel).

Penalty for Alresford Town.

For Alresford Town, they started their Wessex League season last Monday evening in the rain at Team Solent.
They were 2-0 up after 27 minutes when two opposition players collided, one fell
awkwardly and broke his leg. Lying in the rain for half an hour, Myles
Burrows was covered in tin foil like a roast chicken whilst waiting for
an ambulance. With a 10pm floodlight embargo, by the time the poor lad had
been stretchered off the pitch, there was no time to finish the game,
which was abandoned, so Alresford had less than half an hour of
competitive football in their legs going in to the FA Cup's initial
round on Saturday...which was half an hour more than Bridport, who play in the yet-to-start Western League.

You wouldn't have known that the home team hadn't played in anger yet, as they hit the bar early on, and then, after a good 15 minutes of pressure, took the lead as Dan Peach received the ball from the left, then shot home low and hard from ten yards.

However, that was that for concerted pressure from the home team, as Alresford came back in to the game, hitting the post three minutes after going behind, then equalising soon afterwards. Tom Sands ran on to a through ball, just beating the onrushing home goalkeeper to the ball just outside of the penalty area. The keeper grabbed Sands, but he stayed strong and chipped the ball in to the empty net. If the forward had gone down, Bridport would almost certainly have been down to ten men and without a goalkeeper for the next 65 minutes.

Alresford must have had at least ten corners during the latter part of the first half, but couldn't force a second goal. As the teams walked off at half-time, a group of purple-clad young girls came on to the pitch to dance along to Gangnam Style whilst waving big white fluffy pom-poms around for our half-time entertainment. They were raising money to go to Jersey to take part in a dancing competition. I gave them a couple of quid towards the £2,000 they needed. Several family members were there, looking on proudly.

Alresford generally controlled the game during the second half, although Bridport came close to scoring again more than once. Their best chance came after 53 minutes, two forwards being denied by a tremendous double save from Dan Kempson. Three minutes later, Sands was tripped in the box as he wiggled his way past a pair of home defenders. Chris Mason hit the resulting penalty low and hard towards the bottom corner, but Jason Hutchings dived to his right to push the ball away for a corner.

Alresford won the game with a second goal after 68 minutes when they broke down the right, and after a couple of quick passes, Craig Harding drove the ball home through a crowd of defenders.

Collecting the Toolstation League-branded corner flags post-match.

Thank you to Bridport Football Club. I'd recommend a day out in the town and thence to the football club to anyone. Probably best to avoid a holiday weekend in August though...

Alresford Town will travel back to Dorset to play Wimborne Town in the FA Cup Preliminary Round on August 20th.