On a gym treadmill this morning, when faced with the Sophie’s Choice of watching sports news for the tenth time or Guy Fieri and Rachael Ray cooking with the guy who married Donna Martin from ’90210,’ I chose the worldwide leader. I honestly try to stay away from ESPN as much as possible, but just like pleasuring yourself to necklace models on QVC, it’s sometimes the best you’ve got in the moment.

After a short news segment about the Cowboys expressing interest in inking professional golfer Tony Romo to a long term deal, Tedy Bruschi tackled the almost impossible task of ranking the quarterbacks in the NFC East. Yes, all four.

Before Tedy (seriously where is the second D in his name? Did family drop one D after a stroke so it was easier for him to spell?) could get into his ranking I muttered at the screen “Manning, Romo, RGIII and Vick” and not because I’m some NFL wizard but because that’s the safest damn answer possible. The aging fumbler in fourth, the rookie in third, the guy with the 1-3 record in the playoffs next and then the guy with two Super Bowls.

And that’s exactly what he did, and said, and I contemplate spending the next 20 minutes of my workout watching Carnie Wilson serve food but secretly want to shove it all down her throat and singing the chorus to ‘Hold On’.

Now, it’s a damned if he does or doesn’t scenario for Tedy because if he does it in any other combination he comes off looking like either 1) an idiot or 2) just a pot stirrer so he’s really got no choice. Here’s the other idea DON’T RANK THINGS JUST TO RANK THINGS. There is no point and it often brings nothing to the conversation. For example, I’ll rank my four favorite Tedy Bruschi faces that I imagine he makes during bowel movements.

See, pointless, because ANY Tedy Bruschi face during a bowel movement is probably awesome.

If he’s got to talk, because they need to fill time with one of their 800 ex-players on payroll, bring him on and ask him flat out “is Tony Romo the quarterback that Dallas thinks he is?” and let him give his opinion. I’ll skip that segment too. He’s not worth the money.

I flip over in time to watch Carnie Wilson eye up a London Broil like she wants to spend 20 minutes dry-humping it in a dark closet and rank the members of Wilson Philips from best to worst in my head.

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