Hamptons Police Blotter: Friday the 13th, McGumbus Opens a Zoo

Didn’t It Rain?
No, it wasn’t just your imagination. A lot of rain fell last Tuesday, flooding the crowded roads and causing power failures and traffic snarls. Close to three inches of rain fell across the Hamptons, and hail the size of a quarter was reported in Hampton Bays. In the midst of this, one indefatigable woman, determined to get her garbage to the dump, tried to drive her BMW through a massive puddle. Police had to rescue her, and her car is ruined. Firefighters, meanwhile, had a hard time getting to a house fire in Water Mill because of impassable roads. They were able to put out the fire, though.

Special Advisory
Today is September 13. That is, Friday the 13th! Police are advising Dan’s readers to remain calm in the face of this potentially terrifying circumstance. From the official bulletin: “As we live in a society that sees fit to order time, and as it is impossible to skip from the 12th to the 14th and maintain a meaningful chronology of time, it is necessary to have a 13th day. We have learned that under certain conditions, the 13th will coincide with a Friday. We urge calm in what will be extraordinarily trying conditions, and reassure you that we will seek to maintain safety and order throughout the day.”

Mr. McGumbus Builds His Dream Boat
Shelter Island’s Old Man McGumbus, 103, US Navy (retired) and lead consultant on the WWII era top-secret photon-powered submarine project at New Suffolk, apparently took the recent torrential rains as a sign from God to prepare for the deluge. Working from spare parts left over from the scrapped submarine project, he quickly fashioned a serviceable vessel and began collecting samples of Shelter Island’s wildlife to bring on board. Animal control officers, alerted by neighbors to McGumbus’s apparent efforts to trap local fauna, discovered McGumbus’s backyard transformed into an illegal menagerie: cages with turkeys, squirrels, deer, and a large black poodle, creating an unholy smell. Unofficial sources report that two native Shelter Island women rounded out the collection. Over McGumbus’s strenuous objections, all of the animals were returned to the wild—including, we assume, the women.

Wrong Time To Get Mugged
A Flanders man was the victim of a mugging and claims that his assailant made off with $7,000. Now, it doesn’t pay to go through life cowering and fearful of attack at every turn. It’s much better to have a little faith in your fellow man, and trust he doesn’t plan to harm you. At the same time, is there ever a good reason to keep $7,000 in cash on your person? Just asking.