The Women Tell All

Alright guys, last week was not just another episode, it was a Three Hour Long Television *Event*. And what an event it was. We’ve got our standard all white audience, and I am most curious about the men who attended this event. Are you there to pick up the bachelorettes, are you there with your wife/gf, are you gay, are you there of your own volition….?

Oh Christ, here’s the bachelor bus and off we go! Nick and Chris Harrison are crashing bachelor viewing parties. For real though, I want an invite to some of these gatherings. We’ve got legit science fair triptychs with brackets and photos and data and those new fangled thingys that help you beer-bong champagne. There’s cupcakes and wine and Alexis dolphin costumes and roses. Ohhhh shit, and then they roll up to a studio/refinished garage/man cave/lounge where BSB is chillin’, sippin’ on rose, and riffing on the phrase “Emotional Intelligence.” They better drop the actual song stat. A fucking SORORITY chapter is the last stop, and it honestly feels like shades of an Aryan nation. Nick is almost TWENTY years older than some of these basics, but he still entertains a slow dance with one of them and endures shrills upon shrills.

Corinne’s backstage video footage includes her struggling with a champagne bottle, once again, this time over a tray of cut up cukes. Twist the damn bottle not the cork, Corinne. Haven’t you ever opened your own bottle of champers before…? Can’t wait for her to launch her own beauty line and/or work-out videos.

This group of ladies has been particularly spirited from the beginning. Even when Chris would enter the room and make an announcement early on in the season these ladies were chatty and would dish shit out to Chris Harrison. I like that about this gang. They did not let me down during The Women Tell All. There were points were Chris lost all control. He had to referee whistle for Christ’s sake. Spirits were running high, and everybody’s got something to say.

Liz takes the hot seat first. I was like oh God, what a waste of valuable air time. This bitch again. BUT, she made a good point: who cares who you’ve fucked, you are more than just your sexcapade(s), and we are not defined by who we have fucked…but are we?

The line has been drawn in the sand, and we are now starting to see who is team Taylor (no one) and who is Team Corinne. I cannot get enough. Josephine is on team Corinne, and she is rolling her eyes so fckn hard that her eye lid literally quivers while they force footage of Taylor’s journey on everyone. Also love Corinne’s hand motions, where she’s washing her hands of Taylor’s fuckery. That’s a product of a Mediterranean upbringing right there.

Even Jasmin is backing up Corinne. Taylor does not have her shit together and Corinne briskly leaves the stage and then quickly returns clutching her champagne. Queue Jasmin hell YAS queen clapping for her. #sisterhood Jasmin also redeemed herself for me when she was like wait, we all called each other bitches, what the hell do you want?! Fair. Accurate. Real. Thank you.

“The thing that I think I struggle with the most is just the shaming of me being a counselor, and anyone who is in the helping profession should be encouraged to continue their passion of helping people and not be shamed for it.” Taylor

THIS IS NOT A WORK-STUDY PROGRAM. ALSO, WHAT IF WE DON’T WANT YOUR SHITTY HELP YOU PSYCHO MISSIONARY VIGILANTE KNOW IT ALL NOSE IN THE AIR CANNIBALISTIC MEAN GIRL?

And then Taylor takes a stand and doesn’t eat the cheese pasta. #resistance

Watching the women wipe their eyes as Kristina tells her story. Lights out. Liz really pulled through for me. She called out that insane privilege that all these women have and how they have no idea what it’s like to be in Kristina’s shoes. Liz is fucking right, we need to be building each other up not tearing each other down, and the bickering is some petty as shit. It was very meta-fun to have the fuckery called out from within. It’s also very emotional for me to be reminded of the fact that my home, this beautiful, in repair country, is still seen as the land of opportunity. There’s a lot that needs fixing in the USA, but moments like that really remind me that I am proud to be an American, and that one core value that I am not willing to compromise on is my GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO WRITE ABOUT THIS SHIT. The women on their feet for Kristina’s strength and beauty got me misty as fuck.

Oh God Nick comes out and the ladies have questions. Some forgettable chic named “Lacey” asks about if she was friend-zoned…if you gotta ask then you already know the answer, mamasita. Danielle L. wants answers about why things felt so right and then quickly took a left turn. Love, love, LOVE watching everyone patting her back, supporting her through her tears.

And finally, the woman of the hour is here. The girls on their feet for Rachel is so First Wives Club/Now and Then/Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants/Sex and the City/Wating to Exhale. Women supporting women is some of the realest magic out there. Rachel calls the ladies “my girls” and again, we see a spirited response from the fam as they celebrate one of their own making it to Bachelorette status. The women are so amped that they shout over each other with praise for Rachel who is all smiles. I love Jojo Fletcher so so so much, but this shit did not go down when they announced her as the bachelorette. I hope that we see more and more of the friendships that form over this strange, strange experience in seasons to come.

It is very hard to believe that this journey comes to an end tonight. I can’t thank you enough for all your support as I write about something that gets me GOING. Please be respectful of each other, but mostly me, and don’t fucking text, email, call, drone me to tell me diddly squat about what happens tonight. I will be working hard for the money, and will watch the finale as soon as I get up tomorrow morning.