The Orange Folder Chronicles

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

In a bold and decisive decision President elect Donald Trump has chosen rapper and reality star Kanye West to head the newly created Dept. of Narcissism.

"You're gonna love me, just like I do"

"I can't think of a more qualified candidate for this" Trump stated in an official Tweet. "He's got decades of experience and I'm sure he's more than able to handle this heavy responsablity" he added 20 seconds later.

Proof the world is big enough for two gigantic egos

West was not available for comment of course, however, an official spokesperson said Kanye was deep in his own thoughts and would "get back to him at a time that would be best for Kanye".

Despite the strong desire to score some political damage, the Clinton campaign and the DNC headquarters were forced to admit "Damn, that Trump's pretty much of a genius on that one". Bernie Sanders added "Yea, well I guess that was just too big of a job for Trump to take on by himself so he had to delegate some of it"

Friday, May 9, 2014

So I took a few photos at a piñata the other day and posted them to Facebook. That's when I figured out how stupid the people who program for Facebook actually are. Take a look at what happened when I posted the photo.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Hi kiddos, it's been a while. Anyhow, I'm conducting a little experiment here. You may have heard about Republican senator Renee Elmers of North Carolina who voted to shutdown the Federal government and then when asked if she'd be symbolically donating her pay to charity was so stupid as to say:"I need my paycheck. That's the bottom line. I understand that there may be some other members who are deferring their paychecks, and I think that's admirable. I'm not in that position."

Well, that's not going to sit real well with the 800,000 or so federal workers (most of whom I bet make a bit less than your $174,000 a year) so not only is she an "insensitive asshole" (is there another kind?) but she's a really crappy politician. Really, how'd you make it that far with the tact of honey badger sweetie.

I made a little meme for you guys to spread around as punishment for her being such a fucktard. Feel free to post this anywhere you can. I imagine if it goes around the internet enough, she'll change her mind and be doing photo ops while handing out soup to the mentally ill street people.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

There’s been a lot of talk about having some sort of ban on
guns lately and being fans of shooting and blowing stuff up here at the Orange
Folder Chronicles we felt we just had to weigh in on this.However, instead of a bunch of heartfelt
verbal ejaculation like you hear from everyone else, we thought we’d go in
search of some data.You know, just to
see what we could find…

OK, so here’s where it gets interesting.Using the most biased liberal trash data I
could find (Huffington Post of course) there have been 2,244 gun deaths (almost
certainly including suicides, a favorite liberal trick to drive up the number)
in the 98 days since the Newtown shootings.Here’s their graphicabout it.

Fluffy title in Huffpo: “Mapping the dead, Gun deaths
since Sandy Hook” – In the 98 days since, guns have killed at least 2244 more
people.

“Wow, maybe we should just ban people east of Dallas and in
California from owning guns?”

Now that includes all gun deaths of any type.From domestic violence to robbery to suicide to accidental shootings.Also included in there are the tiny number of
deaths from mass shootings.98 days is
.268 of a year so let’s use a little extrapolation and make an assumption that
that’s going to result in a steady 22.9 gun deaths a day (I even rounded up!) for
the rest of the year (I know this is bad science but hey I got the data from a
pretty sketchy source to start with).

That’s 8,359 gun deaths this year!Wow, that sounds like a lot but when you
compare it to real data about all types of death (CDC statistics - I trust
them, they have real scientists working for them instead of journalism majors)
you start seeing some real chinks in the arguments liars like Joe Biden make.Here’s the CDC’s top tally of all causes of
deaths population wide.

What?Gun violence
isn’t in the top 10?How can that be
when Danny Trejo looks so scary and mean holding one?Well it is there in a way.Of the 8,359 gun deaths part of those will be
under the 118,021 “accidents” in #5.However, it’s not separated out – just like
“death by drunken Camaro driver” isn’t either (bet there’s more than 8k of
those a year).

“Eat lead muthafucka!”

Likewise, I’m assuming that out of the 36,909 people who got
sick and tired of reading trash like the Huffington post, a maximum of one out
of four of them could have shot themselves (however, that’s not going to leave
any for all those dangerous home invaders to shoot so the real number must be
less).

Now, if you are a guy who actually reads stuff like I do you
too can learn how to twist data around to make it seem worse than it is.Using this same set of data sorted to
eliminate all the old white and Asian people who were going to die from bad
eating habits anyway we can push gun violence up to the number one spot.

Rifling through the data reveals that among black people
aged 15-34, assault is the number one cause of death. Now, if you wanna work
for Huffpo, don’t mention that assault includes all forms of assault like with
guns, knives, baseball bats, fists, numb chucks and frozen turkey legs and
you’ve got graphable material there!

Isn’t parsing data fun?

People, don’t be turnips here.If Joe Biden wanted to do something “even if
it will save one life” why is he concentrating on the bottom of the list?Mandatory
national flu shots would save more lives than banning assault rifles!

So, just because some old lady who looks she bakes a mean batch
of chocolate chips cookies tells you that something’s the scourge of the nation
doesn’t mean you have to be a brainless lemming and go along with it do you?

“Go ahead and ban guns puto, I’ll
kill you by shoving this Dachshund up your ass!”

Friday, May 11, 2012

Mitt Romney seems to be stuck in some sort of slang wormhole. Some of his responses to questions people ask of him seem as if he’s walked off the set of Happy Days. For example, yesterday it seems that some poindexter he held down and tormented at his all excusive prep school came forward to tell the tale of when Mitt and some of his gang of tight actors held him down and called him a fruit. This was followed by a buzz cut to his bundie ass.

Romney’s response to this is that he really didn’t remember and if it did happen he’s sure it was “high school hijinx”. Hijinks? Really? Mitt, you sure it wasn’t just a case of the monkeyshines?

Then there’s the odd case of him telling People magazine that he “Tasted a beer once as a wayward teenager”. It’s like he stepped out of an episode of My Three Sons or something.

“By golly, I’ll run for President!”

What’s with this guy’s “shenanigans” anyway? Well, you’re lucky you’ve got the ace reporters of the Orange Folder Chronicles on your side Daddy-O.

It took me a while to figure it out but I finally discovered that his speech writers are using old copies of Archie comics to come up with his lines.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

OK, So I'll have to fess up here and admit that "The Orange Folder Chronicles" wasn't given an advance trade copy of this book to review so while I haven't actually read it, I bet the story I have in my mind might even be better than the actual book.

But seriously, how did this one make it by the nanny patrol? I love the leering look Mr. Claus is giving this concerned looking Ho as "Rudolf the wingman" looks on.