For what it’s worth, the job I have now is much nicer, so I can look back and laugh. But damn, at the time, this shit drove me nuts! (except the Free Space. That was always good)

PS: It’s come to my attention that this doesn’t have to be used just for the workplace. For example, you could make your own bingo for parties (cross off a square whenever someone spills a drink) etc etc!

1. My friend’s mom tags me in mad posts about all the pies shes making

2. Whenever people have food they don’t want, they offer it to me knowing I will always take free food. People learn this fact about me very quickly- this happens even if I’ve only known the person for a couple days.

3. Any food left out somewhere, like the break room table at work– if it’s free, I will eat it. Regardless of how much I actually like it or how old it is.

4. I have to “kill things” like finishing the end of a bag of a snack or the rest of a condiment (and therefore I also have to kill everything that goes with it). It’s partly because don’t like leaving just a small amount, and partly an excuse to eat more.

5. A specific example of a food habit of mine:
One day, my boss told me we were having a lunch meeting, but I didn’t trust her to come through with the food, so I ate lunch first because the thought of sitting through a meeting without food frightened me. But then they did give me lunch, so I had a second lunch so as not to be rude, and because it was delicious.

6. My friends text me just to tell me what they’re eating.

7. One friend messaged me to tell me “Every time I eat I think about you. Is that weird?”

M: Actually, I think I made it a whole year without going to the ER/ Dr!
Go me!

Readthisbitch: wow!!! congrats!
i’ll always remember the story of the huge mucous that came out of your nose after your septum operation
i tell it at parties lol
i also tell your mystery disease horror story

To call my mom an anxious person would be a grievous understatement. As soon as I burst forth from the womb she started warning me of all the dangers I might encounter in life. Although, it was never in those uncertain terms. I WOULD encounter all of these things. Every worst-case scenario was bound to happen to me. And she didn’t just tell me once– she would repeat these warnings over and over again until I could hear her voice in my head even when she wasn’t there.

As a child I learned about dangers around the house:

Don’t play with plastic bags or you will suffocate to death.

Don’t run with your tongue sticking out or when you fall, you will bite your tongue off and I will have to rush you to the emergency room.

Don’t go to bed with gum or a hard candy in your mouth or you will choke and die.

Don’t eat while lying on your back or you will choke to death like Mama Cass.

Don’t eat these homemade pickles or jam that I made or you will get botulism and die.

Don’t eat anything from a dented can or you will get botulism and die.

Don’t watch anything with violence in it or you will NEVER GET THOSE IMAGES OUT OF YOUR HEAD. (this one is partially true. self-fulfilling prophecy?)

Don’t take more than half an advil/tylenol/aspirin at a time or you will die of an overdose.

Don’t take more than half of a VITAMIN at a time or you will die of Vitamin A overdose.

Even with all these dangers, the home was still much safer than going out in public:

Don’t ride a subway or you will get mugged and killed.

In fact don’t ever go to a city at all. You will surely get mugged and killed.

Don’t ride a motorcycle, 4-wheeler, snowmobile or anything like that or you will get into an accident and die.

Driving brought about a whole slew of new warnings:

Don’t get a car that has airbags or when you hit something, they will, instead of saving your life, decapitate you.

Don’t get a car that has ABS brakes or you will be too confused to understand them and end up getting in an accident. And dying.

Don’t drive over 65mph, or you will get into an accident and die.

Don’t back out of the driveway too fast or you will run over the neighbors’ children and you will NEVER FORGIVE YOURSELF.

Always have liability insurance, or you will hit someone and they will sue you and they will TAKE OUR ENTIRE HOUSE! The entire family will be destitute!

The effect these warnings had on me was two-fold. Some of these fears transferred to me and I became paranoid about them myself. The rest, I did exactly what I was warned not to do, as much as possible. What else is a rebel supposed to do?

Readthisbitch: i know power corrupts but i like to believe if i was given power, well i would at least be RATIONAL you know? not expect unrealistic things‬ ‪listen to what my underlings told me‬ ‪also i wouldn’t call them underlings to their faces. ‬