A shared anniversary

Friday

May 16, 2014 at 10:42 AM

By April M. Crehan

acrehan@wickedlocal.comThis Saturday, May 17, marks the 10th anniversary of the first same-sex marriage in Massachusetts, a historic occasion resulting from the state Supreme Court’s ruling that legalized same-sex unions.The November 2003 Goodridge vs. Department of Public Health decision was the first domino in an equal marriage fight that evolves daily across the country—and the globe—but the impact of the decision is visible on a smaller scale, too, in homes peppering the Concord landscape.The right to marry a loved one, say Concord couples, has simplified the process of coming out to their communities and given legal weight to commitments made years earlier."It has made a big difference to be able to say ‘my husband,’" said Johnny Cole, a Concord-Carlisle High School teacher who married Todd Cole in August 2004."Prior to getting married I had this sort of "don’t ask, don’t tell" policy," he said of his relationship with his students. He never bothered to correct them when they assumed his wedding band meant he had a wife, but now, he said with a smile, he does so constantly. His husband Todd, a Malden teacher, said the change happened later for him."My school life went on as if nothing had happened until Cassie came along," he said, referring to the first of their two adopted children. He recalled the moment when he came out to his students and their response: applause."They just started clapping. They said ‘Thank God you said something!’"Both Coles said they have seen a sea change in how young students are coming out in the 10 years since same-sex marriage was legalized in Massachusetts."It was such a big moment," said Liz Crowell of the Goodridge decision. "It felt like such a long time coming." She and her wife, Cheryl Flynn, married in 2007."Even before I met Liz, I had imagined that life," Flynn said of marriage, although she had thought at the time that it would not be an option. "We were together when the law passed but we didn't think’ ‘Oh, now we have to run out and get married just because we can.’ We wanted to do it when it was right for us."The Coles, on the other hand, were among the couples that married swiftly after same-sex weddings started that May. The two had been together for years and were looking to buy a home together when it struck Johnny that their window of opportunity might be limited."We were going to an open house and I said something like ‘I sort of feel like we should get married before they take it away,’" he recounted. That fear, though not realized in Massachusetts, was a temporary reality in California.Kristine Millet and her partner also married in the summer of 2004, feeling the same anxiety that the option might disappear."Honestly, we wanted to be able to have that piece of paper that showed us as legally married because we weren't sure how long it was going to last," said Millet, who had been with Lisa Colagiovanni for 10 years before the wedding. She said the announcement that the IRS would recognize their marriage was in some ways more memorable than the legalization of same-sex marriage."I was thinking ‘Wow, we're finally being recognized as a real family’--not that we aren't a real family!" she said. "That was a big win for us."Millet’s sentiment mirrored that of Crowell, who compared her family to the stereotypical nuclear family. "We're so conventional. We're just another family with two kids and a minivan," Crowell said. "That's what the movement is about."Flynn and the Coles, while not politically active in the equal marriage struggle, described the simple act of living their lives as a way of fighting discrimination and promoting equality. "We have chosen to live openly. We don’t want them to see that second guessing that we had to grow up with," Johnny Cole said."It's just so much more important for the kids that it’s OK," said Millet, who said the atmosphere in Concord has been nothing but supportive.All five spoke about their appreciation of the social liberalism in Massachusetts that provided a nesting ground for equal marriage and their hope that same-sex marriage will eventually be a reality across all 50 states. For now, they are skittish about traveling to places that will not recognize them as parents to their children.Flynn and Crowell have seen firsthand the huge difference being considered married makes; even though they had been together more than five years when their daughter was born, they still headed to the hospital with stacks of legal papers to show intent. With the birth of their son after their marriage, Flynn said, they did not need to jump through the same hoops."It would absolutely be easier to be part of the majority," Johnny Cole said. "Easier doesn’t necessarily mean better. If I were straight, life would be easier, but I wouldn’t be me."On Tuesday, an Idaho federal judge issued an injunction forbidding enforcement of the state’s ban on same-sex marriage; licenses could be available as early as Friday, barring a stay. Last week, an Arkansas judge ruled that state’s ban unconstitutional; some counties have since issued marriage licenses to same-sex couples. The state attorney general has asked that the decision be suspended.According to the Human Rights Campaign, Arkansas and Idaho would be the 18th and 19th states to legalize same-sex marriage, joining all six New England states, California, Delaware, Hawaii, Illinois, Iowa, Maryland, Minnesota, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Washington and the District of Columbia.