Monday, January 18, 2010

Newspaper

I can't throw a newspaper away without reading it. I want to support the industry. I love the idea of reading the paper every day. But there are many days during the winter that I don't get out in the freezing cold to unbury it from the snow mound it has been tossed on, until after the day is over..and at that point I just toss it in the house, to add to the growing stack of news to be enlightened (or depressed) by.

And so the stack grows and it grows..until finally Gavin threatens to toss it, and so I sit down with my ten pound mass of ink and paper and begin to unearth what I have been missing.

Living in Utah, if you did not seek it out, you would have no idea that a world really existed outside of the state lines. National and world headlines get only a few sentences, and are buried back behind the breaking news that David Archuletta is coming to the Sandy Mall to perform this Saturday, and Mark Shurtleff is speaking at an Eagle Convention forum where they will speak on the ills of interpreting the constitution.

It's what sells. Why print what reads like "blah, blah, blah" to many? So, I am reading through the articles of what has been happening while I have been living in my bubble. Some of the headlines are obviously so earth-shattering that you'd have to be living under a rock not to know that they have occurred- like the earthquake in Haiti. The images on the pages were shocking. And to think that we could get on a boat from the coast of our country and reach this god-forsaken hell hole in a short amount of time. I told Gavin that I wished that we could just incorporate Haiti as another state in the USA. I mean, why not? Or they could be like Puerto Rico..the best of both worlds. No taxes, but protection and infrastructure. Really..why couldn't it work? The place isn't teaming with ancient culture that we would be uprooting. We already did that over the last century. The natives of that country were not really natives at all..but slaves brought there by Europeans, to work in sugar plantations. They revolted..rose up against the Europeans..and drove them out. But we've managed to go in there and screw it up for them..with help from many of their leaders..time and time again. Read Paul Farmer's book Mountains Beyond Mountains for a quick history of this country and the perils that they faced even before this earthquake. It is one of my favorite books.

Gavin pointed out to me, that the days of colonialism are gone, and it's generally frowned upon now adays. Well, I get that. When a country does not want to be taken over, and made into a new USA-ified version, say like the Hawaiian islands, then that is understandable. But if it is a country that is bordering on total collapse. In fact, has pretty much collapsed, and has no prospect for recovery..and could use a strong central government to give them security and quality of life..then I say, why the hell not? I am having dreams of just bull-dozing every crappily dirt-made dwelling, and starting from square one with sewer, and roads, and utilities. I am seeing a destination spot created like Jamaica, with tourists and an economy and schools for the children and jobs for the Haitians. But what do I know.

Where was I?...Oh yes, so I was skimming through all of these articles that were old, and that I was usually aware of. There was the story of the Utah Senate Majority Leader, who had sponsored all the drunk driving laws, and then was pulled over at 2:00 AM for a DUI with a lobbyist in the car with him. Those articles were fun to get caught up on. By the last paper, he had decided to resign, and was repentant for his behavior with his fellow republicans saying that they had already fully forgiven him. To the political graveyard with his career...good-bye potential future Republican gubernatorial candidate.

So while the majority of news stories were not eye catching..I ended up spending a minute or two in the obituaries, at the end of the paper. And every time I'd see a bald headed, wrinkly face, with the names of generations of children and grand-children and great-grandchildren who they would be missed by..I felt peace. But then you'd see a young face. Even a youngish one. In their forties, or thirties, or twenties. And my heart broke. Gavin is asleep next to me in bed and I am sobbing for these lives that are now black typeface on a flimsy grey piece of paper. And the families are usually stoic. I mean they'd have to be. They write these obituaries with the wounds so fresh from their loss, they are practically hemorrhaging.

The articles read that their loved one's life was tragically cut short. That they leave behind grief-stricken family. That they are in a better place. That Heavenly Father has taken their loved one early. If it is a respectable reason; like cancer or an accidental fatality..then it might be mentioned. But otherwise the cause is left to speculation..hanging over the sentiment and grief like a dark storm cloud. The worst is when there are little children left behind. My mind has to consciously shut doors to the rooms in my mind where I could recreate these scenarios as being my own, and become completely consumed with grief that is no part my own.

But isn't it my own? The fact that there is a child in my neck of the woods, who no longer has a father. A future friend of my children's whose life has been forever changed. An acquaintance down the road. Or maybe not. Maybe our lives will never intersect. But it still is a part of me..because I now know they exist. And so they are real.

The parents who bury children..those posts are almost unreadable. Especially the ones who have had chronic diseases and have been in a fight for what small time they have been on earth. Again..hearing the sounds of my healthy sleeping children next door fills me with pangs of guilt, for what reason was I "blessed" enough to inherit the ones who will live out long lives full of depth and energy and richness? There is no sense, and even less in trying to find some semblance of sense.

Newspaper after newspaper, day after day, I read these tiny blurbs that give window to the survivor's tales. Trying to immortalize..in one paragraph, the depth of their love for and the magnitude of the soul of the one they have lost.

Cue 2:00 AM. Garrett wakes, and I am only half-way done with my archives of papers. I check on him, come back and look at my half-read papers and decide that I must go to bed, and I must not read the rest of these papers. My heart can't handle it. The tens of thousands of Haitians who have no name and no story, but instead are thrown in unmarked graves and hastily buried, to avoid disease. And the named Utahans whose stories tear in to my heart, causing me to toss and turn before I can fall asleep.

My eyes are puffy this morning. There is no making peace. The point of all of this droning on and on, was to say that I want to cancel my Newspaper subscription. I won't have the physical reminder of what news I am missing. I won't have the ink stained fingers, and the overflowing recycling bins. Instead I can log on to the web and surf the parts that appeal, while leaving the obituary pages unclicked.

But I won't. I will cancel the paper. But I won't leave the obituaries alone. After all, life not written and recorded is life not lived. I only wish that the whole story would be shared. There is no reason for sugar-coating life even in death.

Tragedy is as real as comedy and romance. And makes for the comedy that much more welcome. Here's to honesty in life and death. There is nothing so shameful as shame itself, and nothing is worthy of it's company.

My Story

Grew up in Happy Valley, which explains my perpetual state of happiness. Married young, (well duh, we had been on at least eight dates already and my nineteen year old clock was ticking. Plus, how long could we really hold out..eef you know what I mean?) Made life a living hell for my husband Gavin for a couple of years, just because you can do that when someone is bound to you for the rest of eternity, and your only other long-term relationship was with Luke Perry from 90210. Got pregnant young, (we'd been married for three years already- my eggs were practically shriveled up..and plus that birth control was really hard to remember to take). We moved as a happy family to Boston, after Gavin graduated from BYU with his MBA. I was determined to make friends with as many non-mormons as possible, so that I could be the most worldly mormon from Utah and possibly convert all my new friends so that we could all live in the same cul-de-sack in the Draper/Alpine neighborhood of the Celestial Kingdom. They succumbed to being my friend, but didn't fall for the mormon part. Much to my surprise, I learned that even without being born under the covenant, they were nice people who liked their kids and didn't beat them, or mope around the house in deep depression all day wondering what the meaning of life was. Wowzers. Had a lot of fights with Gavin. He worked his arse off in consulting, while I spent my arse off with money that we didn't have. Started connecting dots. Fought some more with Gav. Got pregnant again, cause we can't just have one child, even if we do hate each other. Had some life-changing experiences with women who would forever be bonded to me through the shared perils of life and motherhood. Moved away from Boston, so that we could afford a house, let the kids see their relatives, and so that I could go back to school. Wanted to die, die, die for about two years. Thought that Utah and I were not destined to be roomies. Started back up at school at the U. Liked using my brain again for non-kid-related things. Started to like life again. Wondered if I should get pregnant again. Thought that three sounded just a titch more fun than two, so decided that three it was. Had a hell of a time with being pregnant at the end, as well as the whole first year of the baby's life. Think I lost my sanity for a bit along with the placenta. The kid ended up being a keeper, and is now the mascot of our family. We have a gecko, a stray fat black cat, and a new little shelter kitten. We live in Salt Lake near the University of Utah. We have an old house. I have big plans for a remodel, that divert my attention from my studies on days I need an escape. I have been journaling since I could write my name. My mother figured that it was safer than sex and rock-n-roll. I have been blogging for about two years. I am en route for a Master of something degree. Some days it's a Master of Social Work, other days it's a joint Master of Public Administration. Other days I just want to collect data on the why's and how's behind life. Who knows- maybe I'll drop out and go to hair school (no offense bro). So now a days, I have chilled out somewhat. I am most-of-the-time happily married to Gavin (Don't ask me how that one came about. Think we both just screamed "Uncle" at the same time and called it a draw), who most-of-the-time acts like an adult. I have three kids who are most-of-the-time stellar (and who, to be honest I REALLY LIKE. Again, who knew?!) and most-of-the-time I am content, even if I may be tired, or angry, or venting, or sad, or overwhelmed...under it all I feel pretty dang content...which is nice. I would say that my life right now most resembles the movie Ground Hog Day, with Bill Murray. Each day seems eerily similar, and luckily I have had a lot of chances to try and do better. Oh, things that weird me out are people who are never mad-sad-wrong-or crappy, giant SUV's, thinking about lame things I've done-said-thought in the past, having sick kids where I feel powerless, pretending I like someone/something I don't, pretending period, giving a crap about insignificant things, dealing with lame stuff, and having a fake tooth, a widow's peak, mild acne, and identity confusion as to whether I am supposed to be a blond or a brunette. Other than that, it's all good.

Good Reads

Just finished this book last night. Why did I wait so long to read it? Saw myself in one of the characters..which was painful. I was envious as I read many parts of this book, because Stegner is such a genius. I was jealous of his gift....

I liked the movie well enough..good eye candy. And was the only person on the planet who had not read the book. I was disappointed. It was like reading a script of The Young And The Restless. It's one thing to sit through it..it's anoth...

While the author's style was a little redundant at times, the subject matter and characters in this book were fresh and uncensored. Seeing the senior year of high school in a gang and drug ridden neighborhood in east L.A. through the eyes ...

When I initially read this book five years ago, I would have given it an A++. Question an organized religion...are you kidding? I was unaware of most or all aspects of the Catholic faith, and it felt like being a peeping Tom inside of a s...

The reason that Gavin and I are still married. Life saving. A deep look at why we are attracted to who we are, and why it's supposed to be so gut-wrenchingly hard at times. A wake-up call for those in a marriage on auto-pilot. Loved it.

It's been a while since I've read this. I need to go back and re-read it. A bit controversial in some points I remember..like the discussion about abortion having the upside that it prevents future criminals from being born and therefore ...

Why is it that depending on the mood I am in, or perhaps how much sleep I have had, I either love this book or hate it? Lately it bugs me more often than not. I used to think that this book's message was the bounds of a mother's love and ...

One of the best books I have read. A voracious journal-er, whose main stumbling block was his own sense of inadequacy, John Adams was one of the most complex characters in our nation's history. Passionately believing in his own set of ide...

Read this book in my younger days when anything written by a liberal was basically on par with cheap drugstore porn. Was thankfully confused when I found myself impressed with Hillary Clinton, against what I thought was my better judgement...

For religious and non-religious alike..this is a must read. He has a nice sense of humor, but his dry English wit can seem a bit callous and unsympathetic. His reasoning is sound and his dialogue is the type of kindling that will jump sta...

We were the underdogs. And if you ever thought that it was divine providence that led George Washington's ragged group of men to overcome the odds and claim America as their own, you doubt it while reading this book.

Much ado about nothing? Hmmm. I think that it was revolutionary for it's time, because no one wrote the truth. This book, and the main character, seem so ordinary today, because we are comfortable with rambling self-reflection. But when...

I used to think that I loved reading non-fiction because I preferred a true tale over fiction. However, when you read an author like Franzen in the book The Corrections, you realize that fiction may be the only real place you can tell the ...

Is it just because I had such high expectations, after reading The Corrections, that I was disappointed? On the cover of Time, on Oprah, written up in every publication, etc. I mean, how could it be anything but fantastic? It will certai...

I give this book five stars because I think that it is a profound idea that Byron Katie is introducing- especially for those who are tormented with the weight of worry about those people and circumstances around them that they feel as thoug...

On Chesil Beach was an incredibly quick read that grabs you from the start (hello- a virgin on her wedding night set in England in the 1960's), and continues to impress with the vivid details the author paints each scene with, until the ver...

I almost wet my pants at times. I think that is the greatest compliment that you can give to an author who is telling a witty and funny little story. He is telling stories from his own life, which are at times terribly painful, yet he doe...

Another winner by Sedaris. Every story a gem. Every childhood tragedy and embarrassment turned in to a witty self deprecative look in to his self. Laughed throughout the entire thing, and got teary at a couple of them. I highly recommen...

What can I say, I love David Sedaris. Laughing outloud with every darling short story. Amazed by his ability to tell such intimate and sometimes painful stories from his childhood where he can see the insanity but makes no judgement about...

I was surprised that I liked it. Thought that it was going to be just fluff. And there was plenty of that. But plenty of thought provoking themes as well. Great stuff for young adults, and a great way to start a conversation about Ameri...

OK, I was kind of gagging that I had to read this. I mean, haven't I read enough pioneer tales for one life already? How many more sugar coated tales of surviving death by praying could I take?...and then I read this. For what it was, it...