With a title like that, how can anyone pass over this book, authored by
river guide Joe Lindsay? I spotted this little gem while shopping in Gruene,
Texas, and despite being a slim volume, Up Shit Creek is an equally
humorous and disgusting collection of toilet troubles. Just to give a bit of
background, the book details some of the messes that have occurred when dealing
with “groovers,” while on backpack adventures. A groover is nothing more
than a portable toilet—there are different types, and the book offers
illustrations of each kind. As for why it is called a groover—the name
specifically refers to the lines, or “grooves” one gets after
sitting/shitting upon the seat (though now many come with toilet seats, so that
is comforting to know).

Basically, you are probably wondering, what is the big deal about
shitting in the wild? That’s what it is there for, after all. Well, Joe
Lindsay answers that question in the first few pages: “The Grand Canyon of the
Colorado River is rafted by approximately 23,000 people every river season. The
average person leaves about a half-pound of doo-doo behind each day, depending
on how much fiber is in his or her diet. In one season, in the less than one
hundred camps in Grand Canyon, there would be 115,000 pounds of shit left
behind if it were not packed out. That’s about 1,000 pounds per camp. Things
don’t decompose too quickly in such an arid environment. Those turds would
pile up fast and would remain for some time.”

So you see the dilemma? Nothing is to be left behind, so that means the
shit needs to be taken with you, lest our National Parks would have a lot less
appeal. This book details some of the disgusting problems that have occurred
along the way. Yes, leakages have occurred. Not only that, but Lindsay rates
each story according to their level of grotesqueness by using rolls of toilet
paper. Those that are six rolls are the absolute worst—and the two worst in
the book involve the groover emptying its contents upon the head of one of the
guides, and the other (a very funny tale called “The Day the Mormon Swore”)
involves a toilet that sprayed its three month old fermenting feces into the
face of this Mormon whose worst curse word up until that point had been
“shucks.” Well, guess what? He swore a lot that day.

Up Shit Creek is not a deep read, but it certainly is an
entertaining and disgusting one. It is easy to envy the lives of river guides,
believing all they must endure is a little added sunshine and scenery more than
the average person. But no, they have to deal with all the shit that goes along
with it. Things like: “Ripper looked up, too, and it was upon him. The bulk of
the deluge—a veritable sheet of effluent—landed heavily on his angry
upturned face, caking his goatee. His sunglasses were nicely frosted as well.”

And if
that doesn’t gross you out, then the mention of the piece of digested corn in
his moustache certainly will.

[An expurgated
version of this article originally appeared on the
Examiner.com website.]