The X-Factor: Would it work in South Africa?

On the Tube, in the office kitchen: The X-Factor seems to have swallowed large chunks of the British population whole. But ROB BOFFARD — who describes the show as "WWE without the bodyslams" — says Simon Cowell & Co wouldn't go down so easily in South Africa. Here's why

Unlike a lot of people, I don’t hate The X-Factor. I haven’t exactly watched an entire episode, or even beyond the first fifteen minutes of one, but I certainly do not hate it.

The reason I do not hate it is because it gives me a break from the stresses of everyday life. If I happen to pass the TV when it’s playing, I experience something not unlike full-frontal lobotomy. No matter what I’m doing (writing a story, pouring a drink, driving a car past Dixons) I become, for some undefined sense of time, a drooling, and unfocussed mental simpleton. At some point, I wake up and feel marvellously refreshed, safe in the knowledge that my higher brain functions have had a chance to rest and reboot. It’s like a power nap for the twenty-first century.

It becomes problematic when you realise that you’re not the only one taking a power nap. Exactly 20.84% of the entire population of Britain are doing it as well. That’s 12.8 million people, and they account for exactly half of the TV watching audience, according to The Belfast Telegraph. These are people who control heavy machinery, who are responsible for the weather forecast, who are chairmen of banks. Frankly, no wonder we’re in a financial crisis.

Now I consider myself reasonably knowledgeable about reality shows. I’ve watched plenty of Big Brother, including the first South African one (which, let the record show, was actually damn good TV). I’ve come across plenty of Survivor, plenty of Strictly Come Dancing, plenty of Pop Idol. And let me tell you something you probably already know: most reality TV is awful.

Seriously. Without even going into the theory of why we watch reality shows, most are just awful. From technical and creative standpoints, they are abysmal television. The X Factor, for all its many, many wrongs, is not bad TV. Say what you like about Simon Cowell, but he keeps people watching, even if he can’t always guarantee his audience comprehends every moment.

There are, however, two inescapable problems.

Firstly, it’s bollocks. Every little bit of it. The illusion of public participation is skilfully handled, but every so often Cowell flubs it and we get to see just how fixed the show really is. In the great ITV tradition of not allowing competitions to be competitions, the show recently found itself in serious trouble when he apparently manipulated the voting system to ensure that the contestant Jedward (should I be ashamed that I had run a search to discover exactly what a Jedward is?) stayed on the show. Not a single bit of the experience is unscripted; it’s like WWE without the bodyslams.

Secondly, the show’s peculiar pandering to the lowest common denominator would not work anywhere except Britain and possibly the American South. It actually manages to be more brainless than similar shows like Pop Idol – no small achievement – and as such, it could never work in a place like South Africa. This is mostly because it depends on its contestants and its viewers being easily manipulated, actually quite thick and for the most part from similar societal backgrounds.

Say what you like about the South African viewing public: we are not easily manipulated, similar or all that thick. Then again, we do put up with Isidingo, so who can say?

South African pub The Horse & Groom will be showing the X-factor final on December 13. Read what Rob Boffard thinks about FIFA here.