Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Live, Suffer, Die, Rise, Chill, Leave, Sit.

Yes, Sit On Things congregation, He will come again to judge the living and the dead, but until then He is seated at the right hand of the Father -- a not too shabby spot in the grand (some say the grandest) scheme of things.

Dads are cool. They occasionally give you money, remind you you are special and provide a well of life lessons. For most people, however, remaining glued to a dad's side for a couple millennia would get tiresome.

Pros: Learn a firm handshake from your grizzled pop. You are an arm's reach from his right hand after all.

Gripe about the Giants together while watching them lose on the cosmic TV in front of you.

Chill on clouds with an Earth ottoman.

Cons: Sitting at the right hand of your father may be ever-stimulating if He is also your God, but in my experience, wet tissue paper can sometimes separate awesome bonding and annoying banter. For instance, dads use a lot of puns. Others ask if you've found a job yet. Some do both.

Dads aren't tech-savvy so good luck setting his cell phone alarm and helping him buy tickets on eBay.

In some cases, you sit in that spot because you just suffocated to death knowing the whole time you couldn't save yourself because your wrists and ankles were nailed to boards and your forehead had thorns jammed into it. Oh, and some douch stabbed you in the stomach.

Although it's hard to overstate the importance of good dads, the dad worth sitting next to forever is rare. Find him and email Sit On Things. I want to meet that dad. (Start at :29) Until he is revealed, the spot at the right hand of the father seems less and less appealing with each passing minute and G-rated play on words.

Stability - 5/5 -- A dad will never let you down. If only so his progeny may go forth and multiply, thereby continuing his name and memory.

Cool Factor - 1/5 -- 'Drop me off a few blocks from school, please. I can walk the rest of the way.'

Difficulty - 2/5 -- Some, like the man pictured above, take more difficult paths to their seat than others.

Perilousness - 1/5 -- Again, dads are in it for the long hall.

Added bonus - 2/5 - Dads can tell you about girls. Then you realize the girl they have the most experience with is your mom.