How to motivate teens

I interviewed Bobbi DePorter last week, president of Quantum Learning and co-founder of SuperCamp, a program offered on university campuses across the nation that teaches kids life skills and how to learn. She is also the author of “The Seven Biggest Teen Problems and how to Turn them into Strengths (An Insider’s Look at What Works with Teens).”

My first question about the book? Only seven teen problems?

She laughed, but dismissed my negative outlook. Her program and method is all positive. Pure patience.

Here are a few tips for parents of teens from our conversation. More to come in Sunday’s Unwind section of the Times Union.

1. Listen to understand. Listen more and talk less. Parents are often quick to want to fix something for their teen. Listen to understand first. You really need to understand your teen’s perspective before you start giving solutions or try to fix it. And when you listen to understand, your teen gets it. Teens are so smart. They know when you’re being real and authentic and they know when you’re trying to manipulate and influence them in some way. Or are you there for them and really listening. Of course that gives more real conversations where parents can support their kids because they’re letting them in. So we always say, listen more, talk less and listen to understand.

2. Just be with your teen. You sit there quiet with your teen without trying to fill in every space. Here’s a line that makes such a difference for parents if they learn it and use it. It’s if your teen is there and they do one-word answers and you’re not getting much from them, if you just sit there quietly and say, “tell me more” and pause. And the teen goes, “whoa, they’re really interested. It’s not just telling me what they want to tell me. They’re really interested for what I’m doing.”

3. Acknowledge effort. Ask any parent, would you be happy if your child gave their best effort every single day? And parents would be ecstatic. It’s not about they just brought an “A” home on a report card, it’s are they doing their best and giving their best effort. So if you start acknowledging effort and not just successes and top grades. And then get specific about it. Don’t just say great job, say, “you know, I noticed the time you put into the essay that you wrote. I saw you thinking about it and contemplating about it and I saw you mapping out notes about it and I saw the time and attention you put into it and I read it myself and I saw that you have very clear points you know leading the reader to understand what you were trying to get across.” Then you can say, “That was great work and you just did a great job and I’m so proud of you for the focus you put into it.” And that’s even before they get the grade.

Tracy – she turns 13 on Sunday. A lot of it is her environment, so I really just try to expose her to things she normally wouldn’t be exposed to, but it’s a challenge sometimes to get her to see/think “outside the box”!!