Quick Flicks

Friday

May 4, 2007 at 12:01 AMMay 4, 2007 at 4:20 AM

"THE CONDEMNED" (D+) A snuff-film variation on a theme of "Survivor" — "The Condemned" places a sleazy entrepreneur (Robert Mammone) and 10 condemned murderers on a remote island wired for sight and sound. The idea is to sell "tickets" on the Internet all over the globe to watch these brutes fight one another to the death. The script is so chock full of cliches, stereotypes and bad dialogue, it makes a Jean-Claude van Damme film

All reviews by James Verniere, unless otherwise noted

New Releases

"THE CONDEMNED" (D+) A snuff-film variation on a theme of "Survivor" — "The Condemned" places a sleazy entrepreneur (Robert Mammone) and 10 condemned murderers on a remote island wired for sight and sound. The idea is to sell "tickets" on the Internet all over the globe to watch these brutes fight one another to the death. The script is so chock full of cliches, stereotypes and bad dialogue, it makes a Jean-Claude van Damme film seem positively high-brow. The fight scenes, featuring roundhouses that land like claps of thunder, are cut like music videos, leaving you wondering what the heck is going on half the time. (Rated R)

"DIGGERS" (B)The marvelous ensemble cast almost makes up for the heavy-handedness of the script. It’s 1976, and Hunt (Paul Rudd), a self-taught photographer, and his lifelong buddies — the town rake Jack (Ron Eldard), motormouth stoner Cons (Josh Hamilton) and hotheaded boozer Lozo (Marino) — are slackers getting by, barely, as clammers. Among their multiple problems are a despised corporation that has invaded and restricted their waters. In many ways, "Diggers" resembles the recent Vinyardhaven-set regional effort the "Islander," but it lacks the latter’s strong script and its lyrical sense of place. Still, Dieckmann works well with the actors, and this cast is eminently watchable. (Rated R)

"THE INVISIBLE" (C )This sluggish story about a slain teen who solves his own case from the grave is a "Ghost" knockoff. Nick (Justin Chatwin) is a high school senior with dreams of leaving town. In school, he clashes with Annie (Margarita Levieva), a troubled girl who is sleeping with an older ex-con (Alex O’Loughlin) and steals cars at night. When she’s caught stealing from a jewelry store, she erroneously thinks Nick gave her up to the cops. Annie beats him and leaves him lying in a ditch. Nick isn’t dead but turns into a spirit. "The Invisible" will be forgotten as soon as the credits roll. It could have used Whoopi Goldberg, a hot, steamy sex scene involving clay or even an original premise. (Rated PG-13) — Chelsea Bain

"NEXT" (D)The title is "Next." Insert your own joke. Don’t blame sci-fi visionary Philip K. Dick for "Next," an idiotic action pic with an even more idiotic gimmick lifted from Dick’s 1954 post-apocalyptic short story "The Golden Man." Nicolas Cage, whose recent track record — "The Wicker Man," "Ghost Rider" — has been horrifying in more ways than one, is Cris Johnson, a small-time Las Vegas magician. Cris can see two minutes into the future. Enter Julianne Moore in default "Hannibal" mode. She’s an FBI operative who wants to use Cris to track down a 10 kiloton nuclear munition that has been smuggled into the U.S. But the film never makes the nature of Cris’ power clear to us. Eventually, you don’t care. (Rated PG-13)

"OFFSIDE" (B+) Are you ready for "Bend It Like Mahmoud?" Iran is vying for a spot in the World Cup soccer match against the rival Bahraini team. Thousands of men are streaming across the city to get to Tehran stadium. Among the men are a few young women disguised as men. Under strict fundamentalist Muslim law, women are forbidden to join men at sports gatherings because of the potential for loud and profane talk, rowdiness and bad behavior. If caught, the rebels face real charges from the vice squad. For all the inequality depicted in them, Panahi’s films are also marked by a sense of camaraderie among the characters, a sense they are all in it together. (Rated PG)

"SING NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE" (C+) Given its horrible opening, "Sing Now or Forever Hold Your Peace" has no place to go but up. Writer-producer-director Bruce Leddy’s labor of love is hobbled at the start by a voiceover that explains how a group of college guys came together to sing a capella — the height of their college experience. The real action begins 15 years later as they regroup for a buddy’s wedding. Try as it might, "Sing Now" cannot convey the joy of singing a capella. Cinematically, it seems phony. The actors, who mostly resemble refugees from soaps, don’t help. (Not Rated) — Stephen Schaefer

Ongoing

"AFTER THE WEDDING" (A-) This Danish nominee for the Best Foreign Language Oscar will leave many American viewers wondering when our films became mindlessly numbing spectacles. Featuring two magnificent leading-man turns by Danes Mads Mikkelsen and veteran Rolf Lassgard, the film starts out in India, where Jacob (Mikkelsen) has been living for years and is currently teaching at a small orphanage he founded. The orphanage needs money and Danish tycoon Jorgen (Lassgard) has offered to help. What happens next is a twist worthy of the soapiest soap, but these actors pull it off. In the film, human existence is an ongoing series of crises which must be endured as gracefully and stylishly as possible until life ends, a lesson even newlywed Anna must learn. The trick is what we learn from the crises. (Rated R)

"BLACK BOOK" (A-)Set in 1944 in Holland, where the Nazis are on the brink of defeat, the "Black Book" is based on a true story involving a heroine of the Dutch resistance. Dark-haired Rachel Stein (a marvelous Carice van Houten) is a teacher at a 1950s Israeli kibbutz when we meet her. The film is a flashback memoir of her turbulent and exciting years, first hiding from the Nazis in the home of a fundamentalist Dutch Christian family and then working undercover for the resistance as a femme fatale, a bottle-blonde bombshell-cum-singer named Ellis de Vries. Like "Soldier of Orange," "Black Book" is on one level an expose of the depth of Dutch collaboration with the Nazis and how much of that collaboration was driven by ordinary greed. (Rated R)

"BLADES OF GLORY" (C+) Will Ferrell continues to make movies for frat boys who think gay people are an absolute laff riot. Ferrell plays Chazz Michael Michaels, an All-American figure-skating champion forced to compete in the "pairs" division with seemingly gayer-than-gay Jimmy MacElroy (Jon Heder), an effeminate young man whose rich adoptive father (William Fichtner) bears a striking resemblance to Liberace. Having said that, "Blades of Glory" is funny and even at times uproarious. Scenes involving "Grublets on Ice," a kids’ show Chazz joins after he and Jimmy are banned and stripped of their medals, are reminiscent of the classic "This Is Spinal Tap." (Rated PG-13)

"DISTURBIA" (C-)Less the boy who cried wolf than the dog who cried whoof, DreamWorks’ "Disturbia" is Hitchcock’s voyeuristic classic "Rear Window" rejiggered for today’s tech-savvy teens. Under three-month house arrest, Kale (teen hearthrob Shia LaBeouf takes to spying on his neighbors, including the bikini-clad newcomer Ashley (Sarah Roemer of "The Grudge 2") and weird vintage Mustang owner Mr. Turner (hulking, silver-haired David Morse). Soon, a young redheaded woman is kidnapped by someone driving a vintage Mustang, and Julie invites Mr. Turner over. OMG. The best thing about "Disturbia" is that clever title. The rest of it is generic to the bone, padded with instant elevator music and just another DVD I will never rent. (Rated PG-13)

"FIREHOUSE DOG" (B-) Doggone it, don’t you just love a canine who can work it for the camera? The lovable pooch is Rexx, a furry film star with an ego the size of Manhattan. One day, Rexx loses his way while shooting a spectacular stunt, and finds himself with a new name ("Dewey") and a new job — mascot of a run-down firehouse. When the neighborhood is struck by a slew of suspicious fires, Shane does some digging. "Firehouse Dog" isn’t the next "Lassie." It’s predictable and cheesy, and with a running time of almost two hours, it takes itself a little too seriously. Still, these old tricks are mastered by a brand-new dog, and the result is charming. (Rated PG) — Chelsea Bain

"FRACTURE" (B+) "Fracture" is a prefab Hollywood programmer. But it boasts a fabulous cast and a screenplay featuring lines of dialogue into which a certain Welsh ham can sink his teeth with relish. In yet another variation on a theme of Hannibal Lecter with a splash of Sharon Stone’s "Basic Instinct" persona, Anthony Hopkins is mad aerodynamics genius Ted Crawford, who puts a bullet into the head of his unfaithful wife (Embeth Davidtz). Not only does Ted verbally confess, he also signs a written confession. But things are different in the courtroom. When Ted, who chooses to represent himself, goes up against cocky young prosecutor Willy Beachum (Ryan Gosling), he gives the lad a lesson in screwing with minds and excluding incriminating evidence. "Fracture’ is one of those marvelous mysteries of the movies: an entertaining, if far from perfect film. (Rated R)

"GRINDHOUSE" (C+)Flesh-eating zombies, secret government experiments, "Werewolves of the SS," Detroit muscle, a psychokiller behind the wheel of a death machine, sexy stuntwomen and terminal stage STDs. Welcome to "Grindhouse," where it’s a blast 25 percent of the time. The rest of the time, it’s just a grind. A three-hour plus tribute to the double-bill sleazathons of the 1970s, "Grindhouse" reunites Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino of "Sin City" in a celebration of movies so bad they were good. The results are a decidedly mixed good-bad bag. (Rated R)

"THE HOAX" (A-) This fact-based film about one of the boldest scam artists in modern history tells the story of the wobbly rise and shameful fall of Clifford Irving (Richard Gere in a career-capping performance), a mid-level author who stumbles upon a seemingly foolproof scheme to make himself a bundle. If the whole world is obsessed with Howard Hughes — who never speaks or appears publicly — why not claim to be his confidante and write his exclusive autobiography? His gray hair dyed dark brown, Gere captures the dizzying anxiety of a person whose status as a "great man" threatens to explode at any moment into utter calumny and shame. (Rated R)

"HOT FUZZ" (A-)Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg, the people who brought us "Shaun of the Dead," the delightful 2004 zombie-movie spoof, are baaaack. This Anglicized "Naked Gun" features co-writer Pegg as a hard-as-nails Police Constable Nicholas Angel, a supercop so competent he’s reassigned by the chief inspector (Bill Nighy) from London, where he’s making his colleagues look bad, to the village of Sandford. When people start dying in gruesome, mysterious accidents, Angel becomes convinced a killer is at large. While many of the film’s jokes have a basis in such legendary British crime series as "Z Cars," these tropes will also be recognizable to any fans of "Homicide: Life on the Street," "T.J. Hooker" or "The Streets of San Francisco." (Rated R)

"IN THE LAND OF WOMEN" (B) Writer/director Jonathan Kasdan crafts a likable coming-of-age-fable about a young screenwriter (Adam Brody of "The O.C.") who moves in with his sick grandmother (Olympia Dukakis). Luckily for him, just across the street from his dotty grandmother is the dysfunctional Hardwicke family, including lonely matriarch Sarah (Meg Ryan), gorgeous high school senior Lucy (Kristen Stewart) and cute-as-a-button, precocious tweener Paige (Makenzie Vega). Kasdan has a genuine talent for a wry turn of phrase when he is not trotting out family friendly platitudes, and he does not condescend to his characters. The ones he cares about have interior lives and all-too-breakable hearts. (Rated PG-13)

"THE LIVES OF OTHERS" (A-)Set in 1984 in Communist East Berlin, this award-winning film focuses on the lives of theater actors and directors and the government flunkies and ministers who keep them under surveillance and secretly envy and lust after them. If you can imagine George Orwell’s classic "Nineteen Eighty-Four" as an East German soap opera, you have an idea of the virtues and admittedly minor vices of "The Lives of Others." (Rated R)

"MEET THE ROBINSONS" (B)When a movie starts off with a baby in a box being left at night on an orphanage doorstep, you fear the worst. "Meet the Robinsons" is mostly good science, some time-travel, a little baseball and an amusing plot twist that turns our carrot-topped hero into the father of, well, his son. But only after he meets him in the future. Out of Disney Studios, and presented in 3-D in select theaters, "Meet the Robinsons" tells the story of a genius junior orphan inventor, his baseball-playing roommate and a wacko family who adopts our inventor hero — but only after he saves them from himself, or at least from his own inventions. (Rated G) — Keith Powers

"THE NAMESAKE" (A)Memo to movie lovers: Your winter of discontent just thawed out. Mira Nair’s marvelous family chronicle "The Namesake" is further evidence that the more specific a fictional family is, the more universal its story seems. Meet the Gangulis. Indians of Bengali descent, they include Ashoke (Irfan Khan), a benevolent patriarch, his beautiful, devoted wife Ashima (former model Tabu), rebellious son Gogol (Kal Penn) and similarly untraditional daughter Sonia (Sahira Nair). The characters are on the horns of a dilemma. Do they follow the traditions of the Old World or become assimilated by the new culture they have adopted? The answer appears to be relative and involve compromise. The film is a vibrant, deeply humane reminder of why we go to the movies in the first place. (Rated PG-13)

"PAN’S LABYRINTH" (A)Narnia, snarnia. If you can imagine a mash-up of the Spanish Civil War and "Alice in Wonderland," you can imagine "Pan’s Labyrinth," a hauntingly beautiful and violent fantasy hybrid. Writer-director Guillermo del Toro ("Kronos," "Hellboy") creates a modern masterpiece of magical realism, a surreal extravaganza so visually inventive it makes other movies look absolutely lackluster in comparison. In "Pan’s Labyrinth," escapism is not an escape. It is an immersion into nightmarish mirror worlds where a Polyphemos-like giant with eyes in the palms of its hands horribly stalks young Ofelia as she struggles to reach a magical door before it closes and leaves her trapped. Del Toro’s work is in the great tradition of Cocteau, Bunuel, Borges and Dali. If you enjoyed your trip to Narnia, book passage on this. (Rated R)

"PERFECT STRANGER" (C-)Making an effort not to say "Perfect Stranger" is perfectly awful, I merely state that it is a typical April release, an unremarkable, programmatic effort. Halle Berry is the heroine of this seedy neo-film noir. She is Rowena Price, an undercover reporter for a New York tabloid. Ro meets a slut-like girlfriend Grace (Nicki Aycox), who tells her of incriminating e-mails she received from a powerful, middle-aged advertising mogul (Bruce Willis), whom she met in a chat room. That chat room and those scandalous e-mail references are tip-offs that we will be gazing upon a lot of computer screens, something I can get enough of at work, thank you, very much. (Rated R)

"SHOOTER" (B) Jason Bourne gets "Rambo"-ized in "Shooter," a surprisingly entertaining, if dumb and gratuitously brutal action film. Mark Wahlberg stars as Bob Lee Swagger, a hard-assed, hawk-eyed Marine Gunnery sergeant who gets revenge on the comrades who betray him. Now he’s holed up in the Wyoming mountains. Enter Col. Isaac Johnson (Danny Glover). Johnson wants Bob Lee to help stop an attempt on the life of the president. "Shooter" is one of those movies in which everything is so obvious, the only person who doesn’t know Bob Lee is being set up is Bob Lee. The plot is mildly ludicrous, but the gunplay and explosions are well orchestrated. (Rated R)

"300" (B-)The abs are steel, the pecs titanium and the glutes bronze, and if they gave Academy Awards for cutting a fine figure of a near-naked man, Gerard Butler’s King Leonidas would win pants-down. "300," an adaptation of Frank Miller’s ("Sin City") critically acclaimed 1999 graphic novel directed by Zack Snyder ("Dawn of the Dead"), is a fanboy beefcake lollapalooza. A retelling of the Greek story of the 300 Spartans who held off a vast Persian army in 480 B.C., the film is remarkably faithful to Miller’s visuals and worth seeing for that reason alone. "300" is a complete glorification of combat, and its most exciting scenes depict wholesale slaughter and an ecstasy of killing. Some viewers, however, may find its gung-ho message — the idea this band of brothers must stay the course against hopeless odds — troubling and out of touch with the times. (Rated R)

"TMNT" (A-) In "TMNT," the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are back — with a twist. Our hardback foursome has broken up. Sensei Master Splinter (voice of Mako) has sent Donatello (Mitchell Whitfield) to the jungles of Central America to learn leadership skills. The remaining ninjas on the half-shell waste time in a dungeon playing video games, working in an amusement park and eating pizza (duh). Raphael (Nolan North) likes to sleep all day and prowl the streets at night as the crime-busting Nightwatcher. But when centuries-old villains spring to life, the ninja brothers must resolve their differences or it’s turtle soup time. (Rated PG) — Keith Powers

"VACANCY" (B) David (Luke Wilson) and Amy Fox (Kate Beckinsale) are a bitter couple on the brink of divorce. They decide to attend one last party before the papers are signed. No sooner than you can say, "Bates Motel," they are way off the interstate and are spending the night at an inn full of homicidal freaks. The couple are forced to band together to take down a bunch of creepy masked killers who use the hotel to shoot snuff movies. David and Amy are slated to be the next stars. "Vacancy," for all its heart-racing moments and nail-biting showdowns, doesn’t break new cinematic ground, but newcomer screenwriter Mark L. Smith who has the wits to keep it fresh. (Rated R) — Chelsea Bain

"WILD HOGS" (F) "Wild Hogs" is one road trip to skip. In a sad act of rebellion, a group of suburban men decide to take their weekend motorcycle gang on a road trip to reclaim the freedom they lost when they decided to settle down. Woody’s (John Travolta) supermodel wife just left him; Doug (Tim Allen), a dentist, wants his son to think he’s cool; Bobby’s (Martin Lawrence) overbearing wife won’t leave him alone; and Dudley (William H. Macy), a computer programmer, is lonely and looking for love. This attempt at showing how men, too, can get lost in the shuffle of humdrum domestic life fails miserably. Most irksome are the constant homosexual innuendos the film leans on for laughs. (Rated PG-13) — Tenley Woodman

"THE WIND THAT SHAKES THE BARLEY" (A-)One man’s terrorist is still another man’s freedom fighter. Set in Ireland in 1920, "The Wind" tells the story of Irish brothers fighting to end the British occupation. Damien O’Donovan (Cillian Murphy) is a medical student at University College Cork who has won a significant post in London to train. But after witnessing an atrocity committed by the British Black and Tan, who are trying to root out Irish rebellion, Damien jonis forces with his radical brother Teddy (Padraic Delaney) to rid his country of the foreign invaders. The film’s themes are biblical in their implications and entirely relevant to our current struggle in the Middle East. (Not Rated)

"YEAR OF THE DOG" (A-) Molly Shannon drops her goofy persona to play Peggy, an emotionally complex woman with a soft spot for canines. When Peggy’s adorable pet beagle, Pencil, tragically dies, she is distraught, and the people around her offer little comfort. She uses her grief to do some soul-searching and brush up on the game of love. Her choice in men could use some work. The film marks the directing debut of actor-screenwriter Mike White ("Chuck & Buck," "The Good Girl"), and the world he creates oozes with his quirky charm. "Year of the Dog" keeps everyone on their toes. (Rated PG-13) — Chelsea Bain