While
I’m pretty sure that my infant son would be far
more intrigued if given the opportunity to chew haphazardly on the
aforementioned cardboard tube and stare blankly at the overhead lights like the
future paste eater he is, I am also an insecure first time mom who is
apparently willing to be convinced that my everyday kitchen recycling has a
starring role in my child’s emotional and intellectual development.

So. Why
not err on the side of caution? Here then is a non-exhaustive list of suggested
alternative “secrets” I’d like to share with my five week old son.

1.Tell
me why you are crying.

2.No,
really, why?

3.You appear
remarkably unfazed by a giant diaper filled with liquid shit. You do not cry
even for a second. By contrast, the simple act of putting a shirt on you
warrants the ear shattering shrieks of a 300 lb pterodactyl. Discuss.

4.You
need to start taking a more active role in your personal hygiene.

5.Your
father is a very heavy sleeper. Scream louder; it’s his turn.

6.I am
keeping track of the number of times you have peed on me. <Menacing
cackle>.

What secrets, dear readers, would you
tell your infant child if given a cardboard tube and free reign to assail
him or her with a series of sarcastic quips?

(As I’m writing this, and C is dramatically
wrangling our squirmy infant and demanding ALL OF THE CREDIT, C has suggested
the following “secret” to tell our son: “Does each blog post come with a
certificate of child neglect? Are we going to have to ask the dog to raise this
baby?” Ahem. I guess that’s my cue.)