The Saturday Morning Shenanigan Locomotive

There’s crap for TV this week—unless, like me, you’ve got a cop fetish.

There's crap for TV this week - unless, like me, you've got a cop fetish. If so, then you may want to check out the premiere of Rookie Blue (ABC, Thurs June 24, 9 pm), which involves an impossibly hot group of rookie cops trying to survive their first days patrolling the streets. The upside? Unlike the somewhat unattractive cops I've been forced to bone (it's a fetish, not a choice), these pigs are WICKED SMOKIN'. The downside? None of them are naked. In fact, that's the problem with this series - unless these buff pieces of bacon are patrolling a nudist colony, an orgy, or the inside of my pants... NOT INTERESTED.

Anyway, on to more important subjects! LIKE ME! AND MY NEW BAND! For those who have been following my all-ukulele R. Kelly cover band (entitled "R. Kelele" of course), you will be devastated to hear that we've broken up. I left the band after discovering my co-ukuleleists were fanny holes and totally cramping my style. Besides, they refused to play any cop bars, cop parties, or cop conventions. LAME!

That's why I've started a brand-new band called the Saturday Morning Shenanigan Locomotive Featuring the Vocal Stylings of Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, Justin Bieber, and Lady Gaga. (Note: As of this writing, both Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga have not agreed to be in my band. However, the day is still young.) And, unlike the Beatles, our band will actually be talented and popular - because all we do are covers of awesome Saturday morning cartoon theme songs! In fact, I've already put together a partial set list for our first "gig" at the upcoming National Law Enforcement Expo (sponsored by Taser!). Want to see it? YES, YOU DO!

SONG #1! Theme from Josie and the Pussycats (listen here: www.bit.ly/2l7TmV). At first, the cops will be saying, "HEY! What's with this Josie and the Pussycats shit? I wanna see the Saturday Morning Shenanigan Locomotive Featuring the Vocal Stylings of Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, Justin Bieber, and Lady Gaga. I'm gonna beat somebody with my baton!" Then we'll whip off our cat ears and tails, and say, "Actually, we ARE the Saturday Morning Shenanigan Locomotive Featuring the Vocal Stylings of Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, Justin Bieber, and Lady Gaga!" And those cops will go "Ka-ka-ZOINGG!!" and hop into bed with us.

SONG #2! Theme from Disney's Adventures of the Gummi Bears (listen here: www.bit.ly/12EHz). For those who don't recall, Gummi Bears was Disney's first foray into television animation way back in 1985 - and a complete piece of bizarro crap. HOWEVER! The theme song is AH-MAY-ZING! Sample lyric: "Gummi Beeeears! Bouncing here and there and everywheeeeere! High adventure that's beyond compare - they are the Gummi Beeears!" This is just the sort of "rah-rah-America-is-awesome-and-so-are-gummi-bears" song that cops go ga-ga over. (LADY Gaga, that is!)

SONG #3! Theme from Jem (listen here: www.bit.ly/rcZF)! SONG #4! Theme from Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos (listen here: www.bit.ly/17cC9D)! And for our grand finale, SONG #5, the theme from Police Academy: The Animated Series (listen here: www.bit.ly/c57rLf), which will not only make the cops go "Ka-ka-ZOINGG!!" and hop into bed with us, they may even drop that restraining order! FINGERS CROSSED!

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