Recap: 'Dancing with the Stars' Performances - Evan and Nicole shine

On “Dancing with the Stars,” otherwise known as The Accident by the Side of the Road featuring the Spastic Gyrations of Kate Gosselin, it’s Movie Night, and Erin Andrews is celebrating by flashing her bra. I’m not even kidding, the woman walks down the spiral staircase of awkwardness wearing a cardigan that’s been stapled together and a bra, which, even though it’s more fabric than Pamela Anderson has worn all season, just makes her seem really exposed. And possibly like the victim of a sexual assault. But maybe her movie is “The Accused” and not “Pulp Fiction,” you never know.

[Full recap of Monday's (April 19) "Dancing with the Stars" after the break...]

Niecy and Louis

First up, it’s Niecy Nash. Last week, Len called Niecy’s dance boring. Ouch. So this week, she’s going to shake things she didn’t even know she had. I’m rooting for Niecy, but, um, she’s already shaken a lot and I’m worried she’s going to shake the show right into an FCC violation. But I love Niecy, because she’s not trying to lose weight (or at least that’s her story) and she’s the only source of intentional humor this season. I mean, Kate’s good for a bucket of laughs, but they’re of the bitter, eye-rolling variety, and who needs that?

Niecy and Louis are doing the jive in tribute to “La Bamba.” Niecy looks a little spastic and doesn’t seem to remember all her steps, but she’s clearly having a great time and doesn’t seem to care when she bungles a move. And hopefully the judges will give her points for shaking her ta-tas at them at every opportunity before finally kissing Len on the forehead. And man, that is some lipstick mark. He may need that lasered off.

Len loved her bubbly personality, but wanted more bounce in her feet. Bruno said it was hard to pay attention to anything other than her jiggly parts, but she needed more sharpness. Carrie calls her the shimmy queen. Which is a nice way of saying she shook what her momma gave her.

Backstage, Niecy announced she was tired and hungry. Thankfully, Niecy takes the interview and runs with it, which saves us from Brooke Burns’ yapping.

Score: 18

Okay, crap score. But come on, if Cloris Leachman stuck around for weeks on end, Niecy deserves some more time, too.

Chad and Cheryl

So Chad and Cheryl are doing it, right? Or maybe they did, and it wasn’t great, because Cheryl has lost that loving glow. Chad seems to be very high maintenance, and it’s a little jarring to realize he’s a friggin’ Cincinnati Bengal wide receiver and yet he’s the chick in their relationship. Oh, anyway, they’re doing a quick step to “Bear Necessities” from “Jungle Book,” although no one wants to say it, even though Disney and ABC are the same company. Whatever.

This looks really great right up until the end, when he just flops around like a dying fish. Choke!

Bruno calls it a quick step to jungle fever, which suggests Spike Lee needs to stop by and slap him a little. Carrie Ann thought it was very uneven and body contact was off. Then Chad tells her he and Cheryl have plenty of contact, and it seems like this will be the politically incorrect portion of the evening. Len said Chad was improved, and he did his best, and I think Len is still basking in the glow of Niecy’s big kiss.

Brooke asks Chad what’s going on between him and Cheryl, and Chad just focuses on the quick step. I mean, come on, Brooke, what’s he going to say? I love Cheryl, but ever since we had sex things aren’t the same between us and she doesn’t want anymore jewelry?

Score: 18

Man, it sucks to be Chad this week. I thought this looked a lot better than Niecy’s routine (sorry, love ya Niecy) and Cheryl’s mad at him, too. Maybe he’ll get the pity vote this week, poor guy.

Is anyone else sick to death of seeing commercials for “The Backup Plan”? Didn’t we see enough of J-Lo waddling around in tent dresses when she was actually pregnant? I don’t need the bonus of cheesy romcom dialogue and watching her make out with a pregnancy pillow, thanks.

Erin and Maks

You know, I really think the judges should be a little nicer to Erin, since she has, oh, a STALKER wanting to kill her and people tend to secretly film her when she’s blow drying her hair naked and really, the girl’s just been through enough. But no, last week they creamed her, and this after “DWTS” paired her up with Maks, which is kind of like dancing with a Russian drill sergeant. Anyway, this week they dressed her up like Uma Thurman (good) and gave her and Maks THE WORST RENDITION OF A SONG EVER to dance to, so bad it may actually color my mostly positive memories of “Pulp Fiction.”

Erin shows quite a bit of spunk in this routine, though it starts out super cheesy (Maks, put away the stupid cell phone, it’s not cute in real life and it’s even less cute in a dance) and, except for a creaky split at the end, she doesn’t miss a step and seems to be having fun. And yeah, she’s totally doing it with Maks, don’t you think?

Carrie Ann liked it, but thought Erin was ahead of Maks. Len thought it was really good despite the crap music. Bruno says a lot of things that are completely unintelligible, but they seem to be positive, and that’s all that matters.

Backstage, Brooke tries to bully them into confessing that yes, they are banging each other’s brains out in between sweaty dance sessions, and amazingly, Erin plays along and says they’re not going any further unless Maks gets her a ring like the one Chad got Cheryl. This has the benefit of making Maks shut up for a while.

Score: 22

Not terrible (there’s always Kate to really scrape the bottom of the ratings barrel) but Chad’s getting by on charm (and a tendency to buy big rings) at this point.

Jake and Chelsea

Well, the Bachelor is dancing the cha cha to “Risky Business.” This guy just bores the everloving crap out of me. I mean, he seems perfectly nice, don’t get me wrong. But that’s the problem. He’s just… nice. So is my mailman. Doesn’t mean I want to see him dance. And by the way, neither one of them looks like Tom Cruise, regardless of what Jake wants to believe about himself.

Anyway, Jake comes out sans pants wearing a shirt, just like Tom Cruise does in the movie. Only problem – he’s wearing BLACK SOCKS AND BLACK SHOES. I feel like I’m watching my dad pad around the house in dress socks and boxers. Please, Jake, put on pants! NOW! PLEASE!

Oh, thank God, he put on pants. Which is a pretty awkward moment in the middle of a dance, but fine by me as long as I don’t have to stare at those black socks anymore. Ugh!

That horrible wardrobe malfunction completely distracted me from the dancing, but Jake seems fairly competent and he seems to have more personality when he’s dancing than he does licking bachelorettes in a hot tub, so that’s a good thing.

Len thought Jake tried, which is great, except for the screwing up part which I totally missed. Bruno thinks he’s cheeky and wishes he’d left his pants off. Bruno is like the gay Paula Abdul, isn’t he? Carrie Ann loved it. Apparently she doesn’t have the aversion to black socks I do.

Backstage, Jake is somehow boring and nonsensical at the same time, talking about flying dancing like an airplane and zzzzzzzzzzzzz… oh, I’m sorry, dozed off there.

Score: 23

This sounds like the right score for Jake. But really, I don’t care if he lasts into next week, truth told. Unless he goes home and Kate sticks around to gallump her way through another sleepwalking routine. But that’s another story.

Pamela and Damian

Pamela and Damian will be dancing the rumba celebrating “9 to 5.” Gee, Pam as Dolly Parton, that’s not typecasting or anything. But hey, if her boobs keep her in the competition, I’m sure Pamela doesn’t have a problem with that, so I won’t bitch about it, either.

On the one hand, it’s great that they’re dancing to an actual version of “9 to 5.” But the routine doesn’t seem in sync with the song at all. But Pammy is camping it up and her steps seem dead on, except for that klutzy tromp over the desk furniture, which would probably trip up just about anyone.

Bruno loves her characterization and liked the dancing, too. Carrie Ann wants to see her on Broadway. Len hates props and thought there was too much messing around. Len is a grumpy old man sometimes, even when he’s right.

Brooke has nothing to say to Damian and Pamela because it’s pretty clear they’re not screwing. But she is wearing a very fetching piano keys dress, even if she’s terrible at this interviewing thing. I mean, seriously, was Brooke Burns really a better choice than the bajillion other women who were up for this job? Because she acts like this is “Nightline.” Although she might be an okay substitute for Katie Couric on the CBS News. I mean, she couldn’t be any worse.

Score: 21

Pam lost a little ground, but now that she has the PETA voting block behind her, she’s probably sticking around for a while.

Kate and Tony

Why oh why is Kate still here? And really, why hasn’t Tony just tossed her out a second story window or driven a spike through one of her feet to end our torture? And really, his torture, too. Kate scowls and pouts because she doesn’t understand why he wants to do the swim (uh, it’s in the movie?) She says, like, it’s silly. Sort of like blaming your terrible reality TV show career on your poor defenseless children. Tony is frustrated, because Kate is acting like she’s being forced to eat turnips. Hey Kate, this isn’t fun for us either.

Things start off promisingly with this “Breakfast Club” inspired number, because Kate is occasionally smiling and not grimacing like she has hemorrhoids, which is her usual M.O. But then, because it’s Kate and the woman CAN’T DANCE, the routine begins to suck horrifically. By the way, what is that THING she’s wearing? It looks like something Molly Ringwald would use for kitchen blinds circa 1985.

Carrie Ann sees very itty bits of grace developing, which is a ridiculously kind thing to say. And then she imitates the grown-ups in “Peanuts” to convey exactly how much Kate sucks, which I love. Len says it’s not a dance, but a stroll, which is good to know because all this time I thought it was her tribute to the fallen of the Bataan Death March. Bruno thinks Tony would have been better off dancing with a dress in a coat hanger, which is an awful thing to say about coat hangers. Kate smiles, because she knows her WEIRDLY DEVOTED FANBASE will yet again save her ass and continue to inflict her on America.

Backstage, Kate explains that she’s EXTRA tired because the kids came to visit, and she spent her energy on those poor little meal tickets, I mean, darlings.

Score: 15

Just once I’d like the judges to stop soft pedaling it and give Kate the zeros and ones she deserves. This woman makes Master P look like Gregory Hines.

Nicole and Derek

Nicole screwed up last week, which means she danced like a background dancer for a Broadway play instead of a lead. Because there’s no point in watching her rehearse, as we all know she can do anything she attempts and the fake fighting and crying and whining wasn’t snowing anyone, the producers just send her and Derek to Beverly Hills to recreate a shopping scene from “Pretty Woman,” which is their inspiration for the night’s tango. Hopefully next week we’ll get to see Nicole buying home furnishings or socks (maybe some white ones for Jay) or mutual funds, because really, she might as well multitask as she hardly needs to practice.

It’s hard to tell who the professional dancer is in this routine, because Nicole is just that damn good. She can act, she can add flourishes and kick her feet behind her ears. Of course, the audience gives the pair a big standing O, as she’s almost washed the scarring memory of Kate’s routine right out of their minds, and that’s worth some gratitude.

Len declares it the best dance of the season. Bruno loses his mind and starts tugging on Len in such a way that I think there might be some non-consensual guy-on-guy action happening and, wanting to fit in, Carrie Ann stands up and squeals as well. So, they all liked it.

Score: 29

I’ll admit it – I’m torn about Nicole. She’s obviously the best dancer in the competition. But then, she was the best dancer before the competition. There’s no learning curve for Nicole (or if there is, it’s a small one), so does she deserve to win it, or is the disco ball of triumph really for the person who’s most improved? This and global warming are two of America’s greatest conundrums right now, don’t you think?

Evan and Anna

Evan and Anna will be dancing a rumba to some song from “Armageddon.” Because when I think ballroom, I think about horrible destruction and action movies, don’t you?

Evan has to drag Anna along with him to his Stars on Ice tour. Evan tries to act flirty with Anna, which I don’t really buy, but Anna seems to, on some level, hate Evan. Occasionally she’ll find it in herself to be cuddly and sweet to him, but mostly she seems like she wants to bash his head against a wall. Not really sure why, as Evan seems like a big, sweet, lovable nerd. Unfortunately, he seemed much more interesting during the Olympics, when he didn’t talk so much. And wore more black feathers. Who would have guessed that ballroom dancing would make an ice skater actually seem more nerdy? I wouldn’t have thought it possible, really.

This is a great dance, although I’m continually distracted by the fact that Evan looks graceful and swanlike on ice and a little long and gangly on land. It’s like watching a seal pup flop around on the ice. The pup is equally cute on land and sea, but land, there’s just this added element of goofiness.

Bruno says the spins are spot on and Evan’s hips are getting better. Carrie Ann thought it was really beautiful and sophisticated. Len calls it wonderful.

Backstage, Brooke does another achingly dull “Nightline” interview. Evan wants to cheer everyone on and wants to make Anna proud. Evan seems very nice, but in a sort of awkward and boring way that makes you want to like him more than you do.

Score: 27

Evan loses the lead to Nicole, but part of me wonders if he might be the one to walk off with this thing in the end. Even though ice skating is related to dancing, he obviously has a learning curve. And Olympians do tend to do well on this show. Not that I’m putting money on it. If I’d bet when I thought Kate was leaving, I’d have lost my damn shirt.

So, who do you think is going home this week? Do you think Kate could win the whole shebang? And if that happens, do you think that’s one of the signs of the apocalypse or do we just have to wait for 2012?