Freeing myself from my eating disorder, one day at a time

Category: Uncategorized

Yesterday was the first day in months that I had no plans. I had to be home to wait for a delivery and it forced me to arrange my day to be at home.

It was bliss! I woke up early but lay in bed reading. I did some epic spring cleaning- I washed two sets of curtains, I cleaned the grouting in the bathroom tiles, I washed the windows, I sorted out cupboards, I cleaned my cross country shoes, I had washed clothes that had been building up. In between this I had two naps and watched two movies!

It might sound like a horrible day to others but cleaning really does soothe me, and it was great to get things checked off my to-do list, and to wake up this morning to a sparkling house!

Eating wise it wasn’t great, despite being relaxed and having a lovely day I purged three times and binged/purged in the evening. Bulimia is back with an avengance but I’m aware of this and prioritising my recovery, I took out my self-help manual and have started the first module again, and wrote out my pros and cons for recovery and am going to food shop today to get me started for the week.

I’m away again the next two weekends and can already feel the anxiety building up, but this is a lesson that I need more days like this as they really do help. In fact I’m going to schedule some in the diary right now!

Unfortunately there’s no bank holiday in the U.K. but it seems wrong to work on St Patrick’s day so I have taken the day off, and one of my friends has come over from Ireland. We had planned a long hike in the Yorkshire dales (followed by some Guinness of course in a country pub!) but the weather is miserable, so instead we did a short walk now followed by a longer lunch!

I’m a little anxious about a pub lunch after not a proper hike, but I know I need to move away from that mindset, indulging a little every now and again won’t change my body shape, I will not suddenly wake up unable to fit into my clothes. I’ll admit I do have a little bit of a buffer after a recent dip in weight so it does make it slightly easier to rationalise, but it’s a dangerous game to play hovering just under my set point just so I don’t feel guilty about treating myself, I can package it up anyway I want but that is restriction and it never ends well. So I shall eat my lunch (mmmmm pub chips with vinegar) and focus on enjoying time with my friend, the shelter from the rain, and the stream of paddys day’s updates from friends abroad, far better than thinking about my waistline!

“May you always have walls for the winds,a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire,laughter to cheer you, those you love near you,and all your heart might desire”

It appears that Spring has arrived. I have survived another winter! It was positively warm today and it really helped my mood. I’m just a nicer person when it’s sunny! I’m more inclined to tackle life and all the things that keep me well when there is sunshine and blue skies. Hopefully I’ll be more inclined to write too, come on sunshine, bring me inspiration…!

I know there’s a lot of stuff going on in my head right now. Just general stuff about relationships, work, study, family, life. Most of it about how lucky I am with my lot (because I am), but all of it tainted by how crap I’m feeling sometimes despite my wonderful life.

I used to shut this stuff out, or off. My eating disorder replaced most of it, helping me achieve this. I would tune out the world and minimise my life to calories and weights and food and measurements. The volume on real stuff would go down and the ED voice would go up.

I can’t seem to do that anymore: life keeps rearing both its ugly and beautiful head. I want the ED volume up, I want to be anorexic, I want to really prove that I can be ill, but it’s not working. Despite myself I am staying well- I’m doing structured eating, I’m doing self-care, I’m exercising moderately. And with that comes some acknowledgement of needing to think about other issues than ED.

I know I should be pleased about this, it shows the steps I’ve taken towards recovery are working. Yet at the same time I’m agonising over why the scales aren’t dropping, and feeling crap that I’m healthy.

This is such a messed up disorder. I don’t even think I’m explaining this properly. Basically, I want to be well but I feel like I need to show I was properly sick first, like it’s the last piece of the puzzle. I just never had the dramatic weight loss that is meant to come with ED, and I’m stuck moving forward while I know I never was ‘really thin’.

After years of this I’m so frustrated at myself that I was never ‘really thin’.

Sigh.

Ps: this is an objective evaluation as well as subjective, I have been underweight but not at the level of meeting many ED service criteria, and never that you would look at me and think ‘anorexic’. I know you don’t need to be thin to have an ED, it’s just that I would have liked to have been. 😦

I’ve got counselling today and I’m nervous about it. I’ve had (minor) drops in weight the last few sessions and last week was a tough session facing up to it.

I don’t want to regain the weight. I will probably have to restrict to stay at this weight (lower end of bmi, not actually underweight to be clear, but underweight for me) . I’m okay with that for now. It seems like a good trade off as I’m much more comfortable at this weight.

There is no point in me attending counselling if I have this mindset. I am already spoilt in the amount of sessions I have had. Other people would benefit more.

However, this is a bit of a pattern of mine. Indeed this is exactly how my blog started – I got discharged for exactly the same reason. There is a little bit of me (my non-eating disordered side) that thinks I need to learn to work through this if I really want this out of my life. My eating disorder side thinks it’s a brilliant idea to stop going and while we’re at it why not lose another little bit of weight.

It seems that just as I approach being well, my eating disorder rises up and digs its claws in. There’s something in that final letting go that I just can’t do.

I’m going to say this to my counsellor today. I’m going to be honest. It’s all I can do as I don’t know the answer myself. I will out my trust in her as to what I should do now. I’ll keep you posted…

Living on my own is starting to jeapordise my recovery. I’m going a few days without purging, then having a bad run, then having a few good days, then a bad streak again. Structured eating has kind of gone out the window. I’m not really making proper meals so seem to be permanently snacking, which makes me feel worse as I feel like I’m eating all the time but also isn’t actually enough to fuel me. On one hand things feel good and I’m in control of life, but I’m starting to be out of control again with eating/recovery.

I’ve been at this long enough now to know where this might lead me. I don’t want to be back there. I don’t want to be ill. I want to be thriving and living my lovely life. Recovery has stopped being a priority and it shows.

So, I have moved in with a friend, just for a couple of weeks to get back on track. I’m still keeping the house, and fully intend on getting back there and managing on my own, but right now desperate times call for desperate measures. My friend knows about my ED but probably thinks im more recovered than I am, she doesn’t know about the latest blips, I’ve just told her I could do with some company for a little while and she’s happy for me to stay as she lives on her own too (yes I have amazing friends).

I’m hoping this will get me over this a little hump and then I can start implementing more long-term maintenance solutions. I know I have to learn to do it on my own but right now that seems too big a step, so moving in with my friend and copying her “normal” eating habits (oh those incredible people that just get on with the complex task of eating three meals) seems like the best idea for right now.

Recovery takes actions, I can’t wish or talk myself better, so this is the action for right now! *rolls up sleeves and puts brace face on*

I learnt something today that I wanted to share. I was discussing with a friend how sadness would wash over me when I remembered something that I’m no longer going to have in my life now I’ve moved out from living with my boyfriend. She said to me that it’s always the happy things that make us sad, because we’ll miss them and they have fond memories. I hadn’t really thought of it in that way but it make sense. How lucky am I that I got to make all those fabulous memories? How privileged am I to have been in love and to have been loved. Yes it’s sad right now, but it’s sad because it once was happy and it’s okay that I’m going to miss that.