MATERNAL QUALITY WE ADMIRE: Rectitude. Showing her love in unconventional ways, she does her best to prepare her kids for a tough (and, in her eyes, increasingly vapid and dope-addled) future — “I’m giving you the Cliff’s Notes on how to live life in this world!” With a carefree daughter having just flown the coop, she rather incredibly allows her teenage son to miss a few weeks of high-school and follow a rock band on tour across America.

ON THE PHONE WITH RUSSELL HAMMOND, THE ROCK STAR WHO HAS “KIDNAPPED” HER TEENAGE SON: “Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid. Goethe said that. It’s not too late for you to become a person of substance, Russell. Please get my son home safely. You know, I’m glad we spoke.”