Thursday, March 14, 2013

THE STARS ARE BLIND....TO HOW HORRIBLE THEIR HAIRCUTS LOOK

Yes. I did reference Paris Hilton's one hit blunder. It was applicable (although I don't condone her intolerance and overall ickiness).By Annissa Omran (Writer)

Earlier this week I took a major plunge and got my hair cut
shorter than it has been in the past five years. “Plunge” may seem to be a
strong word, but as a long time worshipper of long tresses, I can tell you that
this experience bordered on the traumatic. You know when you hear about people
hiding behind their hair, using it as a crutch in the face of their
insecurities, and falling slave to a host of other embarrassing dependency
issues as a result?

Yeah that’s me.

But eventually I overcame these problems and now I feel very
much like Marion Cotillard, except less glamorous and less French.

(Because Marion Cotillard seems to have invented both glamour
and Frenchness)

In order to prepare myself for such a drastic physical
transition, I did what any paranoid, unoriginal, and semi-tech savvy person
would do – I turned to the world wide web for inspiration. While sifting
through celebrity examples (The Rachel was weirdly at the top of my list, but
that might be because there was a Friends marathon on tv that night), I came
across some wonderfully horrible haircuts.

One accidental internet search led to another and before I
could say monumental-waste-of-time I was up to my eyeballs in the hair-donts of
the stars.

(Really, society, why was this allowed to occur?)

So, in honor of my stylistic evolution, I’d like to share
some of the most entertainingly horrific gems I discovered.

The late 90s-early-2000s were confusing times for celebrities, especially those of the funky-poptart boy band persuasion. One could argue that he wasn't in his right mind for most of 1999 due to choreography induced burnouts and excess synthesizer feedback scrambling his brain. You can almost forgive Justin for this hideous, misguided attempt at a hairdo. Almost. But not quite.

2. Scarlett Johanson

I'm sure this was for a role because I just cant fathom a bombshell like Scarlett Johansson doing this to herself otherwise. It looks a little like a mullet that forgot to take its vitimins and grew up sickly and scrawny, just like our mothers said we would if we shirked our vitimin consuming responsibilities.

But my ultimate winner is

1. Nicolas Cage.

I really don't have much to say about this. I'm pretty sure it is obvious from the look on his face that he is kind of speechless as well. Nick Cage has had a bevy of creepy coifs over the years for different acting gigs, but in between jobs his hair always seems to revert back into some amorphous variation of this look. I blame his time working with Cher.

And now

Close Encounters of a Patron Kind

The show is done and the house has been emptied. After making my final rounds I step out on the curb to wait for my ride. As I stand by the valet parking kiosk, I overhear the conversation of a group of teenagers nearby debating the finer points of the musical they'd just seen, Flashdance.

Teen 1: That show was incredible. The choreography was amazing.

Teen 2: Did you see how hot that main girl?

Teen 3: I was so amazed that those actors could dance that much and still have enough breath to sing beautifully!

Teen 2: But did you see how hot that main girl was?

Teen 1: I know! And the songs were so catchy! That show was so much better than I thought it'd be.

Teen 2: Yeah, but did you see - ?

Teen 3: KENNY! If you keep going on about this so help me god we will not be taking you with us to see the Rockettes in December.