I just noticed that Lyrithya blocked you for using the word ''photoshop''. I have to apologise for that. We have some very mean admins here. Just so you're aware for the future, the preferred term for image manipulation in ''potatochop'' or ''<nowiki>'</nowiki>chop'' for short. As annoying as it may be, the truth is that the words we use here are important. I know that as a n00b (which means ''newcomer'') it can be a bit difficult for you to get used to, but I'm sure that you'll get used to it eventually. Maybe. I hope so, as the articles you've done so far are not too bad. With a bit of work we may even be able to get those {{tl|fix}} tags off them. Not all of them, true, but some of them at least. {{User:PuppyOnTheRadio/sig2|1329618110}}

I just noticed that Lyrithya blocked you for using the word ''photoshop''. I have to apologise for that. We have some very mean admins here. Just so you're aware for the future, the preferred term for image manipulation in ''potatochop'' or ''<nowiki>'</nowiki>chop'' for short. As annoying as it may be, the truth is that the words we use here are important. I know that as a n00b (which means ''newcomer'') it can be a bit difficult for you to get used to, but I'm sure that you'll get used to it eventually. Maybe. I hope so, as the articles you've done so far are not too bad. With a bit of work we may even be able to get those {{tl|fix}} tags off them. Not all of them, true, but some of them at least. {{User:PuppyOnTheRadio/sig2|1329618110}}

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== I'm just wondering... ==

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Are there any plans for Uncyclopedia to celebrate the WWI centenary in 2014? I don't know if it's technically possible but one idea might be to have to have the main page appear "in period" with an appropriate featured article, UnNews, etc. It could even run for four days to change with each "year" of the war. It'd be fun, I think, to have this extend to the entire site (something like the Wikia skin that was tried last year) for example VFD to have WWI related articles and discussions. I'm assuming this would take some work which is why I'm asking so early. Of course, I'm no comedian so feel free to shoot it down. ;)

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At the very least Uncyclopedia could have a "core list" of WWI topics by then. I created [[Uncyclopedia:Requested articles/Social sciences/World War I|this subpage]] as part [[UN:REQ]] and was considering holding a writing contest (either a regular or 24-hour one) once or twice a year until June 2014. Think this is worth looking into? [[User:MadMax|MadMax]] 01:11, February 21, 2012 (UTC)

Revision as of 01:11, February 21, 2012

Contents

Welcome!

Hello, Thekillerfroggy, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thank you for your contributions. I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the door's right over there... no, a little more to your left... yeah. Anyway, here are a few good links for people like you:

I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button () above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.

At Uncyclopedia, writing articles is not a requirement, but it certainly is a fun and easy way to express your creativity. To write an article, it's recommended that you start it in your userspace (for example, User:Thekillerfroggy/Article about stuff) so you can edit it at your leisure. If you decide to create it in the cold world of mainspace, make sure it is in accordance with the policies laid out above, and if you're not done put the "Work-In-Progress" template - {{construction}} - onto it as well.

If the current colonization doesn't suit your fancy, then browse our rewrite and idea categories. We have lots of articles just sitting around for someone to improve, so don't be afraid - dive right in!

If you need help, ask me on my talk page, ask at the Dump, or ask an administrator on their talk page. Additionally, the Uncyclopedian Adopt-a-Noob program is there to bring experienced editors straight to you. Simply leave a message on an adopter's talkpage to join. Again, welcome! -- BrigadierGeneralSirZombiebaron 00:25, January 7, 2012 (UTC)

Hi noob

Flashy thing graveyard

In a fit of sanity I have relocated the flashy thing on bipolar girl to the talk page, where it will live out its days flashing. Too many people questioned it and many probably went to the page and immediately left (bye bye), and on the kernel of wisdom that "if you have to explain a joke...". VFH is a cruel mistress, but one who never puts a contract out on you, so bring her candy periodically. Thanks again. Aleister 11:56 Russian Christmas '12

Hi, and thanks for the vote on Bipolar Girl. Just saw your forum, an interesting idea. A couple mistakes though which seem relevant. The last minute vote last year was for Sog, not me (I was two ahead at the time). And Skinfan voted for me on Jan. 14th, and had been very active in 2010. From your rendition of the events new users may get the idea that there was something afoot, when actually the afoot was in trying to tie the scores with my approval and participation. One idea I would suggest is not to allow IP's voting in oty awards. That seems much more fishy than that bastard Skinfan voting on the 14th, just in time to swing the vote! Clocksucking Skinfan. Anyway, I wanted to run this by you here and not on the forum. I don't know how I feel about a runoff, but do think that the nomming process on oty awards should not be a place for shout-outs. Although getting past the shout-outs should be up to each individual user. Well, I must go find a bipolar woman, and see what there is to see. Thanks again. Aleister 11:40 8-1-'12

My bad about Skinfan, I actually meant Sonic80. You know how it is with people whose names start with the letter S, I trust you've been engaged in a compromising tryst with a girl named Sandy before. Anyway, those are good ideas too, about the IPs. I'll bring that up too. --T​K​F​​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​CK 16:48, January 8, 2012 (UTC)

IP's, especially "one vote" IP's who come in to vote one time and then are never heard from again, have affected voting on individual awards and on features. But, yeah, the end-of-year awards should be kept out of their IP little-grasps. One more thing if you would, the "minutes later" was something like four hours later. Sonic gave me a two vote lead and I thought many more votes would come in. Then Flamingo voted for Sog with a few minutes left and we almost tied, which is what I was hoping for at the time. But anyone could have looked in, saw that their voting preference wasn't going to win, and move their vote. As it is written now in your forum it looks like Sonic came in last minute and swung it to me, when it was actually hours and anything could have happened in the meantime. Would you nudge that to "hours" instead of "minutes". It's a game of inches sometimes, but in this case it was quite awhile before voting ended. Thanks, and maybe we can do a vote on getting IP's barred from voting this year (a little late but there are 22 days left). N ow, to watch Tebow get his head handed to him. Aleister 21:39 8-1-'12

Well, Tebow won, but next week God will smite him in Boston. And more stuff about your memo to the site about my tarnished, tattered, thrashed, bribed, bamboozled and bogus win last year. You wrote, no, no, don't leave the witness stand Mr. Froggy--I repeat, you wrote: "However, the certainty of his victory wasn't guaranteed until a user called Sonic80 returned from a months-long period of dormancy to cast his vote of approval in Aleister's favor." Ah ha! The user called Sonic was very active throughout the entire month of January and happened to vote on the last day. He, the user called Sonic, was active most of 2010 as well, had a few months of lesser edits, but still edited. Then, as mentioned, he was very active in January of '11. Words are like daggers, some longer daggers, some only two letters, but your daggers have torn deep into my heart and killed both the black warden and the bald headed nazi who live within me (yes, I finished Oz tonight), and I live now only to watch Miss Sally. Aleister 4:54 9-1-'12

Ya really are a big ol' stick in the mud, y'know that Ally? My whole sob story is gone! Kaputt! Out the window! The whole sense of urgency is gone, and right during sweeps season too! Now how are we gonna get the viewers to flock to their sets? Sex? Violence? Come on! --T​K​F​​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​CK 06:08, January 9, 2012 (UTC)

I'm genuinely ignorant here. Te last time that happened I decided to google the person named. Since that person was Rebecca Black, I have regretted it since. If I google this am I going to be similarly cursed? Pup07:36 09 Jan '12

Thanks TKF. Ironically, I was once stuck in the mud! Tebow is an American-football player whose claim to fame is that he kneels and thanks god at the drop of a hat, and photographers run up to him and take pictures. So the Christian crowd goes crazy when he wins (they seem to forget when he losses) at the last minute, solely because his team can't put the other teams away easily. His razor-thin and lucky wins are then hailed as a sign from God that kneeling down and praying in front of tv cameras is somehow honored and rewarded (although Jesus specifically said do not pray in public, but in private, by yourself, a fact lost in the noise surrounding this pretty average quarterback). Next week the New England Patriots will eat him up and spit him out, as they are powered by Tom Brady, a denizen of Satan. Aleister 11:41 9-1-'12

If I could get $1,000,000 to handle balls for three hours, and be breast friends with a supermodel, and drink Absinthe in the off-season, I'd live in Satan's butthole. Decent trade-off. Place sounds cozy, no? Some throw rugs and Ikea, and it would be totally livable. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Mon, Jan 9 '12 12:20 (UTC)

Since you are on a roll, why not roll out an UnNews "Brady denizen of Satan, Tebow smells defeat" or something. Why don't we all collab on it, it's sick and retarded enough to grab my attention. Aleister 12:24 9-1-'12

Whisperer

My site notice is telling me that it doesn't finish for another 4 hours (something about extended deadline). Pup07:54 10 Jan '12

Oops, was that Noon UTC? Damn, I'm bad at reading. I can't fathom much changing to alter the results I posted, though. I'll delete 'em now and save them for later, just in case, though. Sorry for jumping the gun (maybe, apparently possibly). --T​K​F​​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​CK 07:56, January 10, 2012 (UTC)

I only noticed as I was a preview of changes away from doing the same thing myself earlier. Pup07:59 10 Jan '12

Sorry I was in a hurry when I posted the message. Someone needed a few extra hours so I added a 12 hour grace period. The contest has officially ended now. MadMax 17:54, January 10, 2012 (UTC)

Award from TAW 2011

The prompt is just frame of reference for editors who want to work on the article. It's not a requirement so worries about that. MadMax 17:54, January 10, 2012 (UTC)

Nooooo I don't want this award! Attempting to write that article was the biggest migraine of my creative life. A magnificent failure of confused ambitions. --T​K​F​​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​CK 17:56, January 10, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 12 January 2012

TAW! TAW! That's the sound the Article Whisperer would make if it was a bird! It isn't, of course, but you understand. This is the news that The Article Whisperer closed for judging on Monday. In MadMax's unending quest to prove himself more efficient than anyone who has ever run the PLS, the competition has already named the victor in the category Best Most Wanted Article, and the winner of the best article that you want the most to be the best was Lyrithya, who took the opportunity to disturb us all with an article on Twilight. In case you're worried you'll catch the gay from reading it, the crux of the matter, according to Lyrithya, is that things are hard, and having a boyfriend is impotent (it's like important but spelled differently).

Speaking after posting the competition wrap-up 12 days before the competition wraps up, MadMax denied claims that he was jumping the gun somewhat, calling such suggestions "Preposterous pointless poppycock". Pleasing alliteration aside, preposterous pointless poppycock is very much the remit of the UnSignpost. The competition is accepting judgements from competition judges until the 16th; it remains to be seen how MadMax handles the usual competition finishing problems: everyone, including several people who didn't participate, tying for first place in one of the categories and one of the judgessuddenly vanishing two hours before the deadline. Never forget that Aleister cannot be trusted.

A quick update on the yearly awards: Zombiebaron is still triumphantly leading the pack on Uncyclopedian of the Year, Lyrithya still hates awards and Shabidoo thinks the best way to get round this is to ignore everything she says. Satanic messages abound over on Writer of the Year, as all three leading competitors have scored six each; Mhaille is also present, scoring a much more acceptable four in his yearly quest not to be writer of the year. Potty is a much more straightforward affair with Lyrithya destroying all competition. Clearly she only dislikes competing for things when she isn't certain that she will win.

Anyways, if you stop caring about something, you will realise the true result of not caring! I mean, look, some users stopped caring about VFH, and let me tell you, they're having a wonderful time now! Well, except for one of the admins, who said: "Oh, Popsy! If you stop caring about articles, you're in trouble!". Oh, ha ha, nice joke. There appeared to be a problem for a while because after not caring about VFH for a few days, I couldn't edit any pages for a week. Weird. Some weird-ass picture popped out saying some bullcrap - "You can watch Uncyclopedia but you can't shag the shit," or something like that.

My aim is to have a certain topic with so little caring, it should be under the Nobody Cares category. Can we do that? I think so! Just stop caring about something! I don't care what you stop caring about and you shouldn't care if I care that you are/aren't caring about what you normally care about! So what are you waiting for? STOP CARING NOW!

You all remember the Pee Review? It needs more people reviewing. It also needs more people who say they're going to review things to actually review things, and people who request reviews to review stuff themselves. So this is an announcement announcing that I, Lyrithya, will feed anyone who doesn't review stuff to my cat. Seriously, she's hungry and I'm broke and this was the best thing I could come up with.

07:53, January 8, 2012 Thekillerfroggy(Talk | contribs) blocked 119.12.217.209 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (trimming is good, but you sir went TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR)

Biopic of the Week

Now don't get me wrong, I love writing biopics; the fact that I've managed to go an entire month without writing one about an actual user is entirely misleading. That's why this month I have chosen to devote the biopic to a fellow who has proved most helpful to me over the last few weeks. Which is why it's not about the plumber who repaired my toilet and in doing so sprayed excrement all over my living room! It's about PopGoesTheWeasel, who has acquitted himself splendidly by not recently showering my belongings in my own faecal matter. PopGoesTheWeasel has only been with us since November, but in that time has provided us with 7 articles and, if his userpage is to believed, intends to furnish us with another 9! He has also been trying his hand at penning UnSignpost articles; you can read one over on the other side!

Splendid fellow, but now comes the time of trial for PopGoesTheWeasel. Will he blaze like a sun for 3 months and vanish, or will he be like the light that never goes out? This remains to be seen; don't let us down PopGoesTheWeasel, or I'm withholding the non-existent fee you are due for your UnSignpost articles. Also, I paid a plumber to spray poo all over my home last week, I don't know if I made that clear but I thought you should all know.

I still have your dogs. Thank you for the other one, by the way; she's really quite nice. A little too nice, in fact. Neighbours have started to take notice, which brings me to my point. You may yet see her again, on one condition.

So...

Nope! You're the first! You win the coveted Mutilated Penis award. I'll be over in 15 minutes to give it to you. --T​K​F​​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​CK 02:16, January 13, 2012 (UTC)

A user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Then, another user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Next, a different read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Then, another user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Next, a different read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Then, another user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Next, a different read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Then, another user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Next, a different read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Then, another user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Next, a different read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Then, another user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Next, a different read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Then, another user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Next, a different read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Then, another user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Next, a different read my article, went to VFH, and voted. By now, the article was featured.

Esperanto

I think I may take whatshisface's advice and add another section of mostly-nonsense at the end. So nooooottttt quuuuiiiittteeee. --T​K​F​​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​CK 03:01, January 13, 2012 (UTC)

I just looked at this article and saw that you removed the "o yea this reminds me of something else!" section. Could you please change it back. That was the best part. --SirXamRalcothe Mediocre 02:27, January 14, 2012 (UTC)

Yeah, no problem with the revert. I was always kind of on the fence about that section, but really see no great error with keeping it too. --T​K​F​​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​CK 04:01, January 14, 2012 (UTC)

Can you close the Top of the Month at the end of today, and also start the Top of 2011 voting, which you appear to have started?

My computer is deeply broken, and I'm in the midst of defuckulating it, and Mordillo doesn't appear to be around for the Top of 2011 voting. SirModusoperandiBoinc! 22:03, January 15, 2012 (UTC)

I was all planned to do it, but I apparently didn't get home until 5:00 AM last night. Luckily, someone else already done it for us. Hooray! --T​K​F​​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​CK 19:22, January 16, 2012 (UTC)

Sure, you cheer now, but you'll be cheering out of the other side of your cheer hole when they're eating your tongue to get your power. SirModusoperandiBoinc! 23:26, January 16, 2012 (UTC)

Death is coming. What's that noise? Death. Who's that at the door? It's death. Death will come for you, just as it is coming for Uncyclopedia, freedom and the American way. This week sees the UnSignpost tackling two issues, the first of which is SOAP.

January 18th this year was in fact something more than simply another day where I contemplated suicide as I trudged to the bus stop in the cold. This year it was the big exciting SOAP protest day. Uncyclopedia won't stand for SOAP, nor will it take it lying down. Wikipedia spent a tremendous amount of time coming up with the idea of blacking out all their articles to protest against SOAPn and while the UnSignpost, as you are well aware, often shies away from making political statements on issues such as this but in this case feels compelled to condemn Wikipedia for racism. We submit to you that blacking out ones articles on a day of protest implies that black is a worse colour than white, which as we all know is racist. Denizens of the internet, rise up - let Uncyclopedia protest by whiting out all of its articles because the only way to protest racism is to be racist but in the opposite direction.

This SOAP stuff may seem dangerous, but a quick scrub and it's like you never used it; plus you smell nice. What a massive fuss over some SOAP. Next thing you'll be telling us that some sort of internet censorship programme is passing through the US congress, what an outrage that would be!

Uncyclopedia, unfortunately, ignored us completely for that special day. Our suggestion of the slogan "Don't drop the SOPA!" was met with universal disdain; we even swapped a couple of the letters around to make it more passive aggressive. Racism abounded in the SOAP forum, with users suggesting black-outs, black-ins and white-ups. That is, until Matt lobster suggested that we simply make fun of Wikipedia like we normally do, then there was voting and then there were pop tarts.

In other news, Uncyclopedia has no users and we are all going to die unloved and unmourned thousands of miles from home. Unless the latest figures are to be believed! Mattsnow has produced compelling evidence that Uncyclopedia is not in fact doomed. Speaking on Tuesday, Mattsnow said: "You can prove anything with statistics, which is why I've compiled this list of statistics to prove the other statistics wrong!". Obviously we attempted to get in touch with Dr. Skullthumper, who usually reminds us all why we're doomed and usually has a plan involving deleting most of our articles to save us from the fiery unpopular-on-the-internet circle of Hell. Unfortunately the good doctor was out, but there was a note reminding us all that Uncyclopedia is doomed and that we shouldn't believe a word of what Mattsnow says.

We leave you to reflect on these issues, with Socky's analysis of the situation: "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!"

Uncyclopedia turns the light switch off to protest Wikipedia's blackout.

All through the wonders of css and js, Uncyclopedia did manage something after all in a last minute attempt to mimic Wikipedia. And, just like on Wikipedia, by doing something as simple as disabling Javascript, users quickly found they could turn the light back on. Or they could have added "//fuckThisSopaBullshit = true;" to their uncyclopedia.js, with Olipro to thank for that last one. Aren't you glad we're here to inform the rest of you what you should have done after the fact? We thought so too.

13:24, 16 January 2012 ChiefjusticeDS blocked Filtered with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I would be delighted to sort out a match between me and your little football team. Then perhaps we could go for margaritas.)

Today, I would like to draw your attention to User:Admin, the admin always mentioned in "From our logs:" in the initial draft of an UnSignpost, only to mysteriously disappear from the page after a couple edits. Admin has also managed to become the only admin with both no (undeleted) contributions and no admin rights to speak of. Let's hold a second of silence to honour this glorious achievement.

Your cat

To you know who you are: thank you for your cat. I never would have believed one person could be in keeping of so many so well-behaved animals, but then, I also wouldn't have expected you to be so easily rid of them. Did you even try calling the police? No matter; it's not like they would ever find me anyway. Or the cat. Such a lovely cat.

UnSignpost - 26 January 2012

That is exactly what I'm doing, I'm actually writing the UnSignpost from a phone, my phone, I'm not a thief or anything. As such it is a thoroughly miserable experience mitigated only by the feeling that nobody will be disappointed when, tomorrow morning, the UnSignpost arrives in the manner you have all come to expect. So what's happening on Uncyclopedia? I don't know, I'm still waiting for all the tabs I opened to load! It's Wikia's fault, I mean what the shit is this? I remember when I could use the internet on my phone from a car on a dark hill somewhere in the East Midlands and it wouldn't mean the complete lack of any functionality in the device. We won't see the like of last week again soon!

I tell a lie when I say I couldn't start Uncyclopedia, I made it to the main page. Naturally I sobbed for ten minutes because I don't have any messages, much like I do in real life before realising that I wasn't logged in. Then I sobbed for another ten minutes when I realised that didn't make the slightest difference to the number of messages I had. So we have a feature, it looks excellent and I'm sure it is excellent voted on as it was by a Zombie, a dog and a man from Belgium!

The forums actually loaded quite quickly on this brick with internet access that the people at HTC had the gall to refer to as "Quietly Brilliant". IMAGINE MY SURPRISE AT THE FIRST TOPIC: Forum:Fix the mobile site. I for one can attest to the truth behind this request; the mobile site is about as easy to navigate as a rave in a hedge maze, and slightly harder to find your way out of.

John Fist is a no nonsense Cop who doesn't play by the rules, made famous in the film John Fist: A no nonsense Cop who doesn't play by the rules. He is also not an Uncyclopedia user. What a tremendous lapse. We'll have another go next week.

This is not late. You're just drunk. Really. And I'm totally not writing in random crap right now to make up for the fact that you ate all my cucumbers, because why in the nine hells would you have done that? You wouldn't have. Also, Illogicopedia is full of moose.

Robbed

Highway robbery. I was hoping that a three-way tie would happen, and it was looking good up until a few days ago. Oh, you thought I meant woty? No, no, uoty, where I got 3 votes and was just beat out by Zombiebaron's 16 (I've demanded a recount but L ignored me). Yet on woty, you should have won too. Lots of people were hoping for a three-way (that goes without saying), and you certainly deserved one. Aleister 19:11 1-2-'12

UnSignpost - 3 February 2012

Hello. I was sitting in the study this evening, sipping imported white jasmine tea while reading Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus, Rachmaninoff's Symphony No. 2 in E Minor proudly flowing into the room by way of a full orchestra I had composed of Hungarian slave children I'd purchased on the black market, when it suddenly hit me. I realized that there should be a way to communicate to the Uncyclopedian community (as well as our friends down at the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who hold a free shrimp buffet every second Wednesday) that the yearly awards for 2011 had been recently voted on, tallied, and awarded to their respective award-winners. Then it hit me, again! "Reginald," I said to myself aloud, severely confusing the few English-speaking members of my illegal young orchestra, "Why not personally drive across the world in an old Ford Torino, spreading the excellent news to everyone?" This idea was bound to work.

In short, it didn't work. I'd explain the whole sordid tale, but I need to leave room in this thing for the actual news itself, so without further adieu (I do, too), here are your 2011 "...Of The Year" winners.

Congratulations to all winners, formerly prospective winners, nominees who didn't have a shot in hell at becoming winners, and Virgil Gordon of the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who last week correctly guessed the exact number of jelly beans inside of the mason jar that was set out in front of the lodge. Unfortunately, no prize was associated with guessing that there were 592 beans in the jar, as it was not intended as a contest, but as a mere decoration. In the future, the lodge will explicitly state the purpose of all jelly bean-filled mason jars by way of a small cardboard sign propped up against the jar.

The Top 10 Articles of 2011 voting is also finished, but all of them haven't been re-featured and listed yet, so we're not going to mention that we know the winners until next week.

Good morning, Uncyclopedians (or evening, or possibly afternoon, depending on where you happen to be when you happen to read this). It is with high honour and big words that I announce that I have the utmost appreciation for your fine community here; for all of the squabbles on discussion pages and intractable behavioural issues demonstrated therein, you all have yet again exceeded even the highest expectations. Yes, you had the courage and decency to support me in my quest for wiki-domination, elevating my to the position of sysop, an endeavour for which I am tremendously grateful.

As much as it would please me to richly reward you all for this show of faith, however, I must regretfully inform you that as a sockpuppet and general test account of User:Lyrithya, I am not actually authorised to act in any capacity exceeding the plausible scope of productivity and the odd prank or two. My sincerest apologies.

ChiefjusticeDS blocked Lyrithya with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (I shall set upon thee with my artificially increased smithing and enchanting skills. You shall perish beneath the world's largest stack of Iron daggers.)

Lyrithya blocked GEORGIEGIBBONS with an expiry time of 32 seconds ‎ (How dare you mention Skyrim in my presense!)

Lyrithya blocked Under user with an expiry time of 10 minutes ‎ (Oh, High Hrothgar, is it? You know what? I'll just take this opportunity to push you off the throat of the world... there's a nice glitched rock down there for you to get stuck in. )

Thanks for the heads up.

Yeah sure, it's always a pleasure to contribute to Uncyclopedia. And thanks for the heads up. -- UserTalkContributions 13:11, February 7, 2012 (UTC)

Review

Just had/wrote a look/review at/of your Brubeck article. You may wish to look at it, in your own sweet way of course! --Knucmo2 00:29, February 8, 2012 (UTC)

The Western Front

Hi,

I'd like to replace "All's Quiet on the Western Front" with "All's Quite OK on the Western Front." (And also to italicize the phrase, where appropriate.) I tried to edit the article, but apparently you've locked it.

No thanks. We tend not to make such arbitrary, not-so-essential changes to featured articles, let alone Top 10 Articles. --T​K​F​​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​CK 09:45, February 8, 2012 (UTC)

Why not write your own article on that theme Stumbo? Featured articles are locked to prevent further changes UNLESS an author or contributor wants to correct grammatical mistakes missed the first time round. --RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 13:32, February 8, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 10 February 2012

Hello, Uncyclopedia. I don't think it's any secret to you all that something of utmost importance happened this previous week. Even with a coconut beer hangover, you'd surely be blind not to notice the far-reaching repercussions associated with this very important event that recently happened.

Oh sure, I know there are those of you who believe that it really isn't all that big a deal. And there are those of you who will pretend to be aloof, and act like you know nothing about it. And, as always, there will be those of you who believe this is all simply a plot executed by the insidious Uncyclopedia Cabal (which does not exist) to try to crush the will of regular users, enhance power in the English quadrant, and advance their attempts at obtaining an M&Ms machine for the dump. We here at the UnSignpost would like to remind you that these claims are ridiculously unsubstantiated. Except, of course, for the bit about the M&Ms.

In the coming days, the aftershock of these events will come to a screaming peak, as countless forum topics are created, talk-page flamewars are started, and before you know it we're experiencing a virtual Titus Andronicus effect being enacted upon our peaceful wiki. When asked for comment, Modusoperandi will say something unrelated, yet witty, and we'll all step back for a moment and realize what's happening to us. We will then continue on in our back-and-forth for an indeterminate amount of time, probably zombifying the topic several times over before it finally fizzes out later on down the line, then being re-awoken and used to adopt new site policy. This, in turn, will spawn a similarly detailed UnSignpost story, if we're still around by then.

Personally I blame this all on the one who was holding the watermelon at the time. You know who you are. You disgust me.

Shit Happens all the time. Lets say ... you're drinking some kind of soda and it accidentally spills onto your shirt. Or you are biting on a burger when you accidentally choke to death but nobody cares. Or your penis falls off. Anyway, my point is, there are some negatives in life but you must learn to tolerate them .. especially when you're a fat ass who sits in your room spending your entire life consuming hotdogs and giggling at comedies on television while jacking off to classical fucks and trolling on the Internet which is absolutely, absolutely, NOT ME.

So always be positive, even when your balls drop off. Or your penis. Or even your cat. Because as you know, the World isn't fair ever since some dick with an ass of a triangle set foot on this Earth. So get used to life, and if you can, get used to the dicks who banned your ass and spammed your page which is also, absolutely, absolutely, NOT ME.

A: Yes, you can be in here as long as you want. Just don't touch the monkey. Or the cheese. And don't eat the last biscuit. Also avoid upsetting our editor as he has a temper and a shotgun under his desk....Actually, you should just go.

A: We don't know, why don't you tell us? (A paradox for a paradox. Ball is in your court RAHB)

Custom box #4 of the Week

Custom box #4 is quite the Custom box #4. In fact, not only has it been named Custom box #4 of the Week, but it's expected to be high in the running for Custom box #4 of the Year, if the other custom boxes start pulling their weight. Whatever the case may be, individual awards aside, there's not a doubt in any Custom box #4 enthusiast's mind that when, one day, Custom box #4 walks down the long and distinguished path of retirement, it'll be immediately greeted by the opening of the gate to the coveted Custom box #4 Hall Of Fame.

Yo, dawg

Thought I'd give you a chance at this before I VFD it: Cello. Horrible page, but I do like the first three pictures. You're the music guy, right? Wanna make it "not-shit"? ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Fri, Feb 10 '12 13:05 (UTC)

I wish I knew more about the cello, and had more free time and current creativity, to do so :/ --T​K​F​​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​CK 16:24, February 11, 2012 (UTC)

Silent night

"Stay back, keep a good ten feet betweeen us. Take your hands out of your pockets, slowly. I said slowly, damnit! Now put your mouse on the floor and step away. I'm leaving now, but I've stationed reindeer in the hallway, and if you think about stepping out the door in the next ten minutes say your prayers before you do." /sounds of running feetAl 12:57 11-2-'12

Hi

While you're huffing some pages, could you give this guy a nice kick to the gonads? I think he needs one. Furry 16:35, February 11, 2012 (UTC)

Also, since you're a 'crat, could I have the rollback tool, so I can undo vandalism a bit easier? Furry 17:09, February 11, 2012 (UTC)

Yo dude

I took ya tag off I got rhythm because it is sysop protected having passed a VFD. MrNFork you!02:52, Feb 16

And I added it again because that was many years ago, and the userbase and standards/styles of humor have changed drastically since then. A novelty stub can stand on its own when the joke is funny and would be wittier than any overblown article that could hypothetically take its place. As I see it, based on the article's merits, I got rhythm doesn't make a joke or satirize anything. Funny stuff can be done with song lyrics in longform (I've doneit myself), any like you said, people do like the idea of this article (or they did, at one point in time), so a {{Fix}} with a possibility of complete longform renovation is possible. On the other hand, if this article was made today, I would delete it on sight unhesitatingly. --T​K​F​​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​CK 09:54, February 16, 2012 (UTC)

Dude, I don't particularly give a monkeys about this article, and I'm certainly not trying to fight for it but I am trying to be fair to it... It's sysop protected. I am totally confused about what you are saying. You want to leave a fix tag on an article which no one can edit? Then after 30 days when it's not been edited it's ok to delete it right? I would have thought it better to use VFD. MrNFork you!10:18, Feb 16

Good idea. I'll unprotect it. (Also, in case y'all were wonderin', the joke is that SbU made it just to annoy Villahj Idiot). If someone else were to put it on VFD, then I'd be okay with that, but I find a Fix just as appropriate. --T​K​F​​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​CK 10:21, February 16, 2012 (UTC)

Sound as a pound. Not a recent pound you understand, but one from years ago before the British economy collapsed. MrNFork you!10:33, Feb 16

come to the irc right now.

A faggot called "dcik" is attacking us and there are no admins.--fcukmanLOOS3R! 10:48, February 16, 2012 (UTC)

I'm sorry, but I had to. The irony was literally killing me. I nearly died, actually. I am basically in a coma because of all that irony. --T​K​F​​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​CK 11:20, February 16, 2012 (UTC)

My level of concern doesn't even register in a scale of 1 to 10. Amusement factor is there though. Pup11:25 16 Feb '12

As you all are no doubt aware due to paying the utmost attention to that which goes on around you, there was a competition this week, or possibly last week, or at very least, at some point relatively recently. This competition was the 2012 Happy Monkey Competition, in which various contestants competed to do something possibly monkey-related. According to the sitenotice, it is wrapping up around now, waiting only for the judges to show up and do their damn jobs, or, as the case may be, leave already so the janitor can clean up; it's not the competition hosts' fault you're homeless, and it's not their job to provide you with shelter past the allotted judging hours.

What the rest of you may be less aware of, however, is certain controversy that has inevitably sprung up about this contest. Allegations of unfairness in proctoring and judging and a general lack of effective organisation and topics have no doubt sprung up, as they invariably do with every competition. Complications have also indubitably arisen from the tendencies of certain individuals to simply do things without asking, and of others to ask first and then ignore the responses. Rest assured, for the cabal is watching, and all who disturb the order of things will be dealt with accordingly.

Penisman has been sorely under-utilized as of late. In fact, he's been sorely under-utilized as of recent, and sorely under-utilized as of the past while as well. I just have one thing to say about this...

After a pro-longed session of drinking high-quality whiskey and smoking imported Cuban cigars, the fate of the world was finally decided between the Oli brothers. The western world, under the dominion of the English Empire and her colonies, would come under the complete control of King Olipro, while the eastern world consisting of the USSR and the powerful nation of Monaco would come under the control of Head Commissioner Oliphaunte. The two leaders would then combine their powerful empires into one global superpower and conquer all the little nations with their armies of pirate robots and Flying undead pilots. After which, a spaceship made completely out of cotton balls and masking tape would be launched to conquer Mars, Saturn, Venus, Uranus, and Neptune. Not Pluto, though, because that's no longer a planet. Instead, the two Olies will construct a replica Star Wars deathstar, which will be painted completely blue to avoid copyright infringement with Lucasarts (George Lucas now owns nuclear devices and becomes unstable when his trademarks are re-created without permission), and will use it to blow up Pluto for the hell of it. The planets will then be under the jurisdiction of the top friends of the two Olies. Saturn will go to Zombiebaron, Mars will go to Lyrithya, Neptune will go to Black flamingo11, Venus will go to Dr. Skullthumper and Uranus will go to Mattsnow simply because he wouldn't stop laughing when we told him Uranus was conquered.

Now that the plan and been decided and the gears are in motion, it's only a matter of time before the entire world is conquered by Uncyclopedia, and everyone will be forced to contribute at least one article everyday about how great their overlords, Oliphaunte, Olipro, and friends, truly are! Mwhahahahahahha. Ha?

It was then that Oliphaunte woke up in a back alley somewhere in Atlantic City with a dozen empty bottles of whiskey, a bag a hemp, and a calling card for male prostitutes. There was also a note next to him that read, "You got drunk and threw up on my living room rug, so I flew you to Atlantic city, beat you up, and left you with a bunch of male hookers. Also, stole you Hageen-Daaz from the freezer. -Love, Olipro."

Oliphaunte then realized that the plan for world domination was just a dream...Oh well, at least he has rollbacks now.

Hi, it's Lyrithya. Sorry for not being around much; I got the bright idea to reinstall the operating systems on my laptops on Monday and that kind of killed all my spare time since. Well, that and the beading. Also got the bright idea on Wednesday to buy a whack-load of beads and try to turn them into jewellery. To that end, so far I've only managed to chemically melt some peacock feathers together, but I have high hopes for the rest of it. And on the plus side, KDE works. Sort of. It's kind of slow. On Windows, at least.

Anyway, if anyone was wondering, this would probably be why nobody remembered to write the UnSignpost for this week until now.

Other Excuse of the Week

Hi, it's RAHB. Sorry for the UnSignpost being late, but my hard drive blew up this week. And then other stuff happened. This would probably be why I didn't remind anybody to write the UnSignpost for this week.

A Word From Zombiebaron

Nothing notable happened to my computer this week, and, therefore, I don't really have an excuse for this week's late UnSignpost.

Well Hello. My Name is Oliphaunte

And I now have rollbacks. What's your user protection level? None? Well, that must suck for you. I wouldn't know cause, well, I've got rollbacks. You know that ludacris song "Rollout"? Yea, that's essentially my life right now, but with rollbacks. You know what that makes me feel like? A badass. Why am I a badass? Because I've got rollbacks.

Your block

I just noticed that Lyrithya blocked you for using the word photoshop. I have to apologise for that. We have some very mean admins here. Just so you're aware for the future, the preferred term for image manipulation in potatochop or 'chop for short. As annoying as it may be, the truth is that the words we use here are important. I know that as a n00b (which means newcomer) it can be a bit difficult for you to get used to, but I'm sure that you'll get used to it eventually. Maybe. I hope so, as the articles you've done so far are not too bad. With a bit of work we may even be able to get those {{fix}} tags off them. Not all of them, true, but some of them at least. Pup02:21 19 Feb '12

I'm just wondering...

Are there any plans for Uncyclopedia to celebrate the WWI centenary in 2014? I don't know if it's technically possible but one idea might be to have to have the main page appear "in period" with an appropriate featured article, UnNews, etc. It could even run for four days to change with each "year" of the war. It'd be fun, I think, to have this extend to the entire site (something like the Wikia skin that was tried last year) for example VFD to have WWI related articles and discussions. I'm assuming this would take some work which is why I'm asking so early. Of course, I'm no comedian so feel free to shoot it down. ;)

At the very least Uncyclopedia could have a "core list" of WWI topics by then. I created this subpage as part UN:REQ and was considering holding a writing contest (either a regular or 24-hour one) once or twice a year until June 2014. Think this is worth looking into? MadMax 01:11, February 21, 2012 (UTC)