Mr Brown we have millions of Euro just waiting for you

"Thats how the email started" said the Prime Minister. Only just uncovered, Mr Brown had attempted to buy votes with the backing of millions of pounds based on one email. He saw an income rate cut, more hospitals, pay rises for essential workers ... the list was endless

Tempted by "a recent discovery of war time gold hidden in Nigeria and your investment tripled in a week" Mr Brown had emailed the details of 75% of the UK's GDP to Mr Katanga, who can no longer be contacted

"I'm only human" Mr Brown said unconvincingly. The fact that the money had gone paled into insignificance once it was revealed he knew what he was doing and wanted to seem like an innocent, Jo Bloggs type character to appeal to the voters

In a bizarre turn the latest MORI poll saw a surge in his popularity, his gullibility had struck home and it now looks like a Labour landslide on a wave of sympathy. Mr Cameron's attempt to sell a kidney came a poor second in comparison