Banned for going door to door trying to sell your body, only to end up having to pay somebody because there were no takers... regardless of how low you dropped the price and begged them to let you mow their lawns.

Banned for carpet burns to your bum, elbows and knees [and dangly bits] after performing your initiation test for Carpet Munchers Anonymous while rolling around naked on the shagpile and taking X-rated selfies for posterity.... not to mention proof of your exploits, though I wouldn't be showing the grandkids.

Banned for getting on the slops and drinking copious amounts of bubbly from over-sized tankards while assuming innuendos were aimed at the less fortunate, when in fact they were aimed at over-weight bankers, politicians and big business execs who think their poo don't stink and the money is all theirs.

You do. And this is why you're banned, because your obsession with the cheeks was so consuming that the posterior sort alone wouldn't suffice, and the viewing wouldn't suffice, no, you had to become a Mogul and create your own online empire of front-butt porn that wrecked my computer with some cheeky virus just last week. I want my members' fee back sir!

Banned for not toeing the line and giving it a bit of a tickle.... rather, you were playing footsies under the table with Mrs Palmer, her four daughters and gay son, who sadly has put on too much weight and cannot join in the frivolities for fear of rolling down the driveway, into the street and damaging oncoming traffic.