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Saturday, February 18, 2017

The Reason WHY . . . Part II

Sunrise over the Gulf of Mexico on Padre Island National Seashore, Texas

The
photo opening this post is from my current “yard.” I'm writing
this from the beach of the Gulf of Mexico on the Padre Island (Texas)
National Seashore. I awoke to a beautiful sunrise and slept last
night to the sound of the surf. Today, my background inspiration, as
I compose this article, is the surf (it's low tide), the breeze and
the occasional sounds of a variety of birds on a beautiful sunny day
with blue skies and a few puffy white clouds. I'm sitting comfortably
at my desk in My McVansion. You won't read this until sometime after
I've left this beautiful location since I don't have any wireless
phone or Internet connection here. Another respite to enjoy.

You
also see a photo of the My McVansion galley. I enjoyed a couple cups
of Chai tea, a banana, some cantaloupe and I made myself a bagel
sandwich flavored with maple syrup and an egg seasoned the way I like
it, with melted cheese and smoked sausage to top it off. It was a
magnificent breakfast and will probably carry me to dinner time,
with, perhaps, a light snack to carry me over. Does it sound like I'm
enjoying my life? Indeed! The big question in my mind is why (there's
that word again) I didn't do this a lot sooner . . . or maybe for my
entire life.

Here's
a thought for you. If you are asking yourself 'why' about a lot of
things in your past and current life, you likely have some serious,
unresolved issues. It's my personal intention to reach the “final
destination” (the same one we all arrive at, ultimately) with the
greatest memories of all I did during my brief lifespan and not
regretting all the things I never did, but always wanted to. Too many
people end up bitter, if they live long enough, because they feel
they were robbed or deprived of so many things they always wanted to
do. But, in fact, they were neither robbed nor deprived. They made
conscious choices to do and accept what their life turned out to be.

Why
Do You Live Where You Live?

Beach front property for My McVansion - another dream realized

There are lots of reasons why most of us live where we live. Many people
remain living in the town or city they were born in or in very close
proximity to it. Many moved to a location because of their college
education or possibly military service. Others moved to accept a job
and career requirements. Still others found a place they fell in love
with as they were traveling. And, some people actually had a dream of
living someplace and moved there to fulfill that dream. And there are
all kinds of crossovers of these reasons. You may have additional
reasons.

They
are all valid reasons for living where you live. Perhaps, proximity
to family was important to you. Certainly career opportunities may
have played a part in your decision. Maybe you grew up in a very
rural area and wanted to enjoy the amenities of a large city or the
surrounding suburbs. Perhaps, the opposite was true and you grew up
in a city or suburban area and found the congestion confining or
restricting and you moved to a rural area where you had more
“breathing space.” And, of course, you may have been fulfilling a
spouse's wishes to live somewhere that would not have been your
choice. Ultimately, you know why you live where you live.

Do
you feel free where you live? Or, do you feel limited, restricted or
confined by neighbors, population density, local or state government
laws, codes and ordinances, home owner association rules and
covenants, etc. If you don't feel free to live and express yourself
and your life as you wish to, then you're likely not happy. If you
feel free then, the chances are you are happy in your living
experience.

Do
you own your own home, townhouse or condo or do your rent. Do you
live in a van, larger RV or movable tiny house? I have owned homes.
I have rented homes and I now live in a van (a tiny house I can move
on a moment's notice). I initially believed owning a home was one of
the ultimate fulfillments of the American Dream (along with driving
luxury cars, lots of nice clothes, being well fed, dining out at nice
restaurants and staying in luxury hotels – I'm had and done all of
them). What I found, for me, of course, was that none of what I just
said made me freer and certainly not happier.

The Galley/Kitchen in My McVansion preparing breakfast

Owning
a home was like a prison to me. There was always something to do to
keep the house up. Things would break and had to be repaired, lawns
and landscaping had to be cut, trimmed and maintained. Running my own
businesses kept me busy enough, busier than the traditional 40 hour
worker, but when I wasn't working on my businesses, I had to work on
my house (and maintain the other things I mentioned).

Ultimately,
I learned how to lease beautiful homes in places I wanted to live,
often out of my price range to purchase. I saved hundreds of
thousands of dollars and lived extremely well. And, when it was time
to move on, I simply gave appropriate notice, packed up and moved to
my next living adventure. I lived virtually all my dreams. I never
could have afforded to live the lifestyle I've enjoyed had I owned. I
would have ended up staying much longer and possibly never moving on.
Once again, this was a personal choice and preference. It may not
work for you, but it sure did for me. Some of the places I lived
included in a beautiful house on a mountain top, a chalet on a lake
with my own dock to boat, fish or swim from and a 50 acre horse
ranch, complete with boarded horses I didn't have to take care of and
an abundance of nature and wildlife all around me. Not bad for a city
kid.

It
may not seem like it, but you live where you live – love it, like
it, dislike it or hate it – because you made a conscious choice to
live there. If you don't feel free and aren't happy for any of the
reasons (or others) I mentioned, then what are you going to do about
it? You still have the ability to make choices. Make them because you
choose to live freer and happier, not because of economics, career,
family pressure, spousal pressure or any other reason. There is
always a way to make a choice and make it happen.

This
is always a touchy subject. When we decide to marry someone,
regardless pf whether you're a man or a woman, you seldom know the
other person. Perhaps, if you've been a couple for a number of years
and maybe lived together for several years before tying the knot, you
might know one another better than many who marry after only a year
or so of courtship. But, in my opinion, most marriages are driven by
hormones, a nesting desire, societal pressure and a certain need for
co-dependence on another person.

Maybe
I'm being unfair. But, I definitely believe there is a difference
between falling and being in love, loving and a connection of
convenience. People fall in and out of love (though they are loathe
to admit it) like when you buy a new car. Think about it. When you
fall in love, both parties are typically on their best behavior. They
put on masks or facades. They want the other person to believe they
are the ideal partner. That same mask is used to hide reality from
parents, potential step children, each others' friends, etc. But,
once the contractual, marital knot is tied and the big party is over,
little by little the facades, of both parties, begin to fall away and
the real you and he or she becomes exposed.

If
you think I'm kidding, think about all the Men are from Mars,
Women are from Venus type books
in the bookstores. Consider all the movies about relationships. Some
are comedies and exaggerations, yet we can relate to them. Some are
dramas and we can relate to them, too. But, the worst ones are the
nightmare or horror stories about abusive relationships and
relationships dealing with addictive behaviors and infidelity. What
happened to that guy or gal we fell in love with? Well, as time
passes, we find they aren't the person we thought they were and fell
in love with. Does that mean you can't still love that person. Of
course it doesn't mean that. But, loving someone is very different
than the feelings one has when they are in love with someone.

Too
often marriages are the result of peer pressure, family pressure and
societal pressure. But, as life passes, very often one or both
members of the partnership grow weary of the relationship and
tolerating the other person who has grown and changed (which we all
do throughout our lives). Often the partners grow apart. Often, if
there are children, the children control the dynamics of the family.
When they leave the nest, there is little left for the original
couple who spawned the family. They are so different and neither
realized they were growing apart because the children kept them
together.

Occasionally,
two people are fortunate enough to find their true soulmates. It's my
feeling that such relationships are the exception, not the rule. So,
a married couple stay together, tolerating each other, perhaps faking
love, even though they really have little left in common. They have
different interests. They have different social lives. They may have
different circles of friends. They begin sleeping in separate
bedrooms for a variety of reasons. The man has his “man cave” and
the woman has her “her nest.” The bottom line is that they have
become codependent. They stay together, more often than not, for
convenience and/or economic reasons. They are in a comfort zone and
fear not being together will be worse, the “unknown.” This is sad
because, both of them may enjoy freer and happier lives if they were
to recognize this and simply move on.

I
will never suggest any couple simply break up. But, staying together
or separating and moving on with life, once again, is a choice. Like
all choices, it requires considerable communication and processing.
Hopefully, each party will feel they are freeing himself and herself
from a self-made prison. The best part is when the two parties can
remain friends and still enjoy visiting and sharing some time
together. They have surely created joint memories. Interestingly, I
find men often have the more difficult time moving into a “brave
new world.”

So,
think about it! If you're single, divorced already or widowed, how
important is your freedom and are you happy being free? If you're in
a marriage that feels more like it's for convenience or economic
stability, are you feeling free and happy? If not, what are you going
to do about enjoying whatever years you have left in your short life?

Why
You Chose The Lifestyle You're Living Today

A walk on the beach - so much domain to explore

Once
again, I don't suggest you judge your lifestyle by the lifestyle I've
chosen for myself. Many people say they envy me. But, in reality, I
don't think they actually envy me and my lifestyle. What people envy
is that I made a very difficult choice.

What
they envy is that I eliminated 80% of my monthly overhead overnight
between October 31, 2008 and November 1, 2008. I have pared down my
“stuff” from way too much for any one person to what some
consider almost nothing (and believe it or not, I still have too
much). I chose to eliminate the responsibility of maintaining a home
(even though I leased it for a long term, there were still
responsibilities). I've eliminated conformity to local laws,
ordinances, codes, dealing with home owner associations, neighbors to
tolerate, congestion, too much mail (I receive almost none currently)
and a pile of monthly bills to pay. I don''t have to keep up
appearances. And, I don't have the economic chains of debt and
maintaining that lifestyle I had.

So,
how about you? Remember, the lifestyle you are living today is what
you chose. It may have been influenced or the choice of a spouse. It
may be that you're living in an area with a certain caliber of
schools and social acceptance for your children. Why are you living
your lifestyle? Have you ever actually sat down to think about it?
Are you free or do you feel imprisoned? Are you happy? If not,
precisely, what about your lifestyle is not allowing you the
happiness you so much deserve?

Here's
a reality. Kids are adaptable. If you lived in a cabin on a mountain
top, they would adapt. If they lived in a 5th wheel
trailer and you home schooled them, they would adapt. If you lived in
a foreign country and home schooled them and they learned the culture
of the country, they would adapt. There are people living those and
other lifestyles today and feel free and happy living out their
dreams and sharing those dreams with their children. Reality, you are
not living the lifestyle you're living if you're doing it for your
kids. You living that lifestyle because YOU think you're doing the
best for your kids.

Remember,
life is very short. We don't know anything from “ before we were
born and we don't factually know there is anything after we die. The
only thing we know for sure (and we don't know for how long) is that
period between when we are born and when we die. I define the purpose
of life – and the only purpose – is simply to just “be.” We
are called human “beings.” Each day we should focus on “being.”
It's also my firm belief that every human being was born to live as
personally free as is possible in this very complicated world humans
have created. And, ultimately, being happy is the reward of being
free.

Consider
your lifestyle. What and/or who is really the driving force behind
how you are living today? If you don't feel the personal freedom I
continually write about and you're not truly happy most of the time,
then something isn't gelling in your life. Maybe it's time to pull
out those dusty old dreams that you shelved years or decades ago and
reevaluate and consider them. Once again, I'm not telling you to
change anything. And for goodness sake, I'm not suggesting you use my
lifestyle as a model for your life, unless my lifestyle just happens
to be similar to your dreams. But, don't reach old age regretting all
the things you never did. Focus on a life that will have you
remembering and celebrating all the things you actually experienced.

Why
You Are Exactly Where You Are In Life – Right Now

A formation of pelicans flying overhead

So,
here you are. It's still early in the year 2017 (at this writing, but
what I'm writing is timeless). Why are you where you are in your life
today? Don't tell me you don't know the answer. You know you do.

You
are exactly where you are because this is exactly where you choose to
be. Your parents, spouse, children, friends, employer(s), relatives,
neighbors, the government . . . absolutely no one chose where you are
today except yourself. Sure, all of the above and maybe some others
may have influenced some of your choices. But, unless you live in
some extremely oppressive society where your family or the government
or the religion you belong to literally controls your life, you made
these choices all on your own.

Yes!
Even if your parents wanted you to be a doctor, lawyer, religious
professional, college professor, engineer or any number of other
careers. You had a choice to agree and do what they wanted you to do
or not to go down that path and do what you wanted to do instead. I
was trained as an Industrial Arts teacher. My father pretty much
demanded I attend college. I had a choice, agree and go or disagree
and not go. He could afford to send me to a state college in New
Jersey, a teacher training institution. I didn't want to be a
teacher. He knew that.

It
was my choice. I went. I already told you the results of my choice in
Part I of this article. It turned out to be the best move I could
have made. However, I never taught Industrial Arts in any school
system. But, I found my passion because of the choice I made to go to
that state college. I found opportunities to expand myself and my
horizons. I have used virtually everything I learned in my Industrial
Arts curriculum. Ultimately, it turned out to be one of the best
choices I have made in my life. But, my father didn't make the
choice. He guided me and opened doors of opportunities for me. I,
ultimately, made the choice.

If
you're not happy with your life currently. If you feel like a slave
or prisoner, it's because it's where you choose to be and how you
choose to live your life. It doesn't have to be this way. You can
make some extremely tough decisions and choices and pursue the life
you feel will set you free and make you happier than you've ever
been. It may require moving to another location. It may require
changing your kids lives and schools. It may require you to move to a
new town, city, the country, a mountain top, a new state or even a
different country. It may require you to separate from your spouse
and move on if you're spouse is not in accord with your life choice.

All
of these are possibilities. I know people who had to make a choice
between their marriage and a future that allowed them to pursue their
dreams. That may sound drastic or even traumatic. But, think about
it, if you're not happy, is your spouse going to ultimately be happy?
Chances are, if your marriage isn't already one of convenience or
based on economics, it will become that in the future. So, it's up to
you. What choices will you make?

Why
You Didn't End Up Where You Dreamed You Would

The afternoon shadows grow long as I sit inmy chair and watch the waves roll in.

This
is the last “Why” in this series. There are, of course, many more
“Why's” you can think of and explore. That's up to you. But,
ultimately, most people don't end up where they dreamed they would.
You certainly aren't alone in that, if that may be what you're
thinking right now. I said it in the beginning, “Life Happens.”

Most
of us, hopefully, all of us, have dreams. We start as children and as
we learn about the world around us we are inspired and influenced by
our environment. Once upon a time there were many times more
opportunities for men than women. We sometimes still hear the term
“women's work.” Over time, especially, over the last century,
both men's and women's roles have evolved.

There
are many new career fields and opportunities for both men and women.
Once, boys dreamed of becoming cowboys, soldiers, police officers,
firemen and such. Women were mainly destined to be homemakers and
mothers, teachers, telephone operators, nurses, waitresses,
seamstresses and retail sales clerks to mention most of their
choices. Today, it seems the sky is the limit.

Traditional
marriage is, in many ways, a thing of the past. Both the husband and
wife have careers. Families are more stressed and children are also
raised by grandparents, nannies, daycare centers and such. A woman
may find herself in a combat zone overseas while her spouse is at
home tending to his career and taking care of the family. A man may
find himself as an emergency room nurse. It's all changed. And those
changes have also changed the life choices we make. Thus, as life
unfolds and happens, it may not remotely resemble our dreams and
aspirations.

That's
why we have to keep asking the Why questions. And, we need to listen
to our hearts and minds when they aren't in accord with where our
lives have led us. Remember, you only have from the moment you're
born until the moment you die to live. It's the only time we actually
know we have. Do you want to die regretting your life or celebrating
your life? Only you can make that choice and I hope you make the
choice for living your dreams, enjoying personal freedom and being a
happy person. Are there any questions about my reasons WHY?

The end of another perfect day as the sun sets behind the dunes - time for another restful night in my world

5 comments:

"Why Part II" hit home for me, I'm widowed for 3 years, and ready to go spare some minor details. Big problem is selling my home. Years ago I had thought this was my nest egg turns out it has a crack or two. Now do I sell considerably below appraisal and go or fix and stay who knows how much longer. Time is important but so is money. Right now I'm leaning towards time over money.Maybe I'll see you on the road! Peace!

In thinking about the cultural reasons you point out Ed, not to mention mere sex attraction, that draw people into marriage, I'll share a thought on "love at first sight" and how it may happen.

The phrase "kindred spirits" is well known. "Kindred minds," although similar, is not. Men and women may be attracted by similar genetics, which results in a shared mind-space, simpatico minds that run in similar channels. They may even overlap the same mind-space as in the case of identical twins where one picks up the thought of another.

So when two kindred minds meet, there's mutual recognition and attraction to the degree their mind energy constructs are alike. This also explains why some working groups develop such harmony and excel.

I know these thoughts are bit up there, but thought to share them nonetheless.

Thanks Ed, for confirming what I figured out a while back. It's the "why" in life that's important. Not the what, not the where, not even the who (though I'm thankful Brenda and I met in the desert without any "masks" on) what's important is the WHY. The why IS what dictates the outcome.

"Because all the right things, for all the wrong reasons, can turn a man into a rock that's cold..." to steal lyrics from one of my songs. ;-)

So . . . It's January 1, 2018. As you may have guessed about my philosophy on New Years Resolutions, I don't believe in them. ...

Living Free Tribe

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