This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son, Jamie. This blog is a combination of everything, whether it may be a new recipe I tried, a good freebie I found, something funny Jamie said, or feelings I'm having about life in general. There's little rhyme or reason. I'll never win any blogging awards, but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son. It's so easy to forget moments over the years. I've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them.

I called this blog Mother of Life, Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world. Truly, I feel the pains of loss, but you won't see too much of that here. I am blessed and I am, above all else, a mother of life.

After all the years of infertility and loss, Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy. We were pregnant with twins, but unfortunately, Baby A could not stay with us. Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie. We are so blessed to have two beautiful children.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Friday, August 21, 2009

Tonight was Family night. Matthew had to work, so it was just the two of us. I fixed steak, corn on the cob, green beans, and crescent rolls. Don't worry, the drink in the glass in just soda! I just wanted to make it feel special.

I rented the movie, The Tale of Despereaux. We got ready for bed and snuggled under the blanket on the couch. He told me that he loved the baby and told me to give the baby a hug. He wrapped his arms around his own tummy to demonstrate how I should accomplish this task. It was so precious. I asked him if he wanted to hug the baby and he said, "No, the baby is not in my tummy."

He fell asleep on my lap before the movie was over. I finished the movie myself holding him in my arms. I am sure going to miss these days when he gets too big to snuggle with Mommy.

Today Jamie went to his first full day of Kindergarten in his permanent class. He had his hair cut yesterday and he was such a big boy. I'm still trying to get used to his new look.

I really like his teacher. She seems so nice. He didn't have any trouble parting with me. The only tears were my own. I didn't make it out of the class without a few tears this time. That was kind of embarrassing. He just looked so big.

Once again he needed to take Eeyore into the building but quickly relinquished him.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

This morning started with a big breakfast. I fixed bacon, eggs, toast, strawberries, and milk. Dynisha spent the night so she could be with Jamie for his first day. I made much more bacon than I normally would. It is a special day. I wanted to start his day out right.

Jamie got himself dressed. He was excited about his new shoes. He wanted me to take a picture of them by themselves. I finally got him to agree to be in the picture with them.

Once the kids were dressed and ready to go they paused to let me take a few shots of them by the door. Jamie grabbed his lunch box and we were out the door. He was a little disappointed that he couldn't take his backpack today. He had picked out a yellow backpack. I don't know why, but that's what he wanted.

We loaded the kids into the car. Jamie insisted on taking Eeyore. He ended up relinquishing him when we left the school, but he did need to take him inside with him.

Jamie was a little nervous when we got to the school. He clung to me. I wanted to get pictures of him in front of the school and in the hallway, etc. but he was too frightened. It was very crowded. Dynisha walked with us. When we got to the classroom there was only one other child there already. This made it a little easier. Quickly he lost his death grip on me, gave up Eeyore, and found a spot at the table with the "shapes blocks". Matthew and I lingered as long as we dared. He asked me to stay with him. "I don't want you to leave me alone." He didn't cry, though. I told him that I couldn't stay, but that he wouldn't be alone. He resigned himself to the fact we were leaving, gave us "squishies" and went back to the table. We slipped out of the classroom and out the doors.

I made it all the way to the parking lot before I began to sob. I left my baby. My baby is not a baby anymore. He's a big boy, a kindergartner, and a big brother. Now it's time for me to go pick him up from school (thank goodness).

Sunday, August 16, 2009

I realize that all my research about incompetent cervix did not prepare me for the roller coaster of another pregnancy. I'm just as lost as anybody else. I question everything and find everything frightening. Baby B has survived the first trimester.

I had the cerclage placed on August 5TH. I went in at 5:30am. My nerves were completely shot. I felt like I might throw up. I had asked my OB ahead of time to give me antibiotics following the procedure but he refused. I cried about it the night before. I was frightened of infection. I was determined to talk my OB into giving them to me.

The first couple of hours were spent getting changed into a gown, getting an IV, and waiting around. Just before I was taken to the operating room for the procedure the nurse tried to listen to the baby's heartbeat. She couldn't find it. My heart began to pound. My doctor took the doppler and attempted to find the heartbeat. I couldn't even speak. I was so afraid. I lay there while they located a portable ultrasound machine. I don't think I took a breath while I waited to see the baby come into view. Then it was there, moving with a lovely little heartbeat.

I was taken to the operating room. The anesthesiologist was there to give me an epidural. Because of my past experience, I knew that she might have difficulty placing the spinal in the usual place I let her know that previously they had place it higher. I wanted to avoid the multiple sticks I endured the first time. She felt my spine and said she could feel some scoliosis in the area they normally place it and she placed it higher. I still wouldn't call it loads of fun, but she got it in fairly quickly. I laid back on the bed and scooted into position. Then I had a moment to talk to my OB as he prepped. "Please let me have antibiotics." He refused. "Please, I'm frightened of infection. Can you just give them to me to ease my mind?" I pleaded and pleaded but he refused. They strapped my arms down and my OB began his work. Everything seemed surreal. Everyone was talking and laughing, but I don't have a clue what they were saying. I lay there with tears streaming down my cheeks, helpless to wipe them away. The nurse would ask me every so often if I was alright and I would tell her that I was just nervous. Everyone's words blended together so much that my OB had to say my name several times at the end of the procedure to get my attention. "I was able to get 3cm of cervix. We'll have none of that hourglass opening this time." I'm not sure if I replied or not. Then it was over. I was moved to a bed and rolled into recovery.

I don't remember anything about my emergency cerclage or the recovery time after the cerclage that I had placed when I was pregnant with Jamie. I just remember waking up in my hospital room needing to use the restroom. This time I was fully aware of everything. I kept feeling my legs because it still felt like they were in the stirrups. The monitored my blood pressure and heart rate. Matthew was brought in to keep me company and my breakfast was ordered. After about an hour I began to feel really trapped by the inability to move. I wanted to bad to roll over on my stomach and go to sleep. There was no television for a distraction. I began to feel a little panicked. I struggled to make my legs work, but it was no use. I had Matt call the nurse and they helped move me up in the bed so that I could work the bed controls and change my position.

It took nearly five hours for me to regain any movement and nearly six before I could walk and go home. I was told to stay on bed rest for twenty-four hours and then "light activity" for the next couple of weeks.

That night I had a lost of cramping and a pinching feeling in my vagina. I have continued to have cramping and occasionally that pinching feeling. I've had quite a bit of cervical mucus. There was enough that I even became concerned that my membranes might have ruptured and I went to the OR to let them check. Better safe than sorry. I saw my OB again on August 12TH. He checked the baby with the fetal doppler and this time was able to pick up the heartbeat just fine. He did a manual exam of my cervix and said that my cervix was closed. I had lost almost four pounds and he lectured me on increasing my calories.

My next appointment is September 9TH. I couldn't believe it was so long until my next appointment. I don't think I've ever had to wait that long. On top of that I won't have an ultrasound until the week after that. I've always wanted a "normal" pregnancy, but I don't like this part of it!! Knock on wood. I don't want any complications.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Jamie wanted a hand cake for his birthday. Jamie and I made this together. He put all the m&m's on the fingers and some on the sides. The poor cakes melted before we even got them to the park.

It was dark before the kids even got to the water. They only got to play for a short time. We roasted hot dogs on the grill and Jamie got lots of presents. I don't have a lot of pictures to post because I don't have permission to post pics of the other kids.

Brianna's getting so big, too.

Here's some memories from previous birthdays...

Jamie's Birth 1:04pm

Jamie's First Birthday 1:04pmJamie at His First Birthday Party

Jamie's Second Birthday 1:04pm Picture

Her's some pictures we had taken at The Picture People on his second birthday.

Here's a shot from his second birthday at the firehouse.

Jamie eating dinner on his third birthday.

Jamie at his third birthday party at Chuck E Cheese.Jamie's Fourth Birthday Dinner at the Olive Garden.