~ A life in 24 Weeks

Category Archives: new preganancy

It looks like we’ve lost your brother or sister. I woke up this morning and my first thought was that I didn’t feel sick today. The spotting had already started. I went to the doctor and they did an ultrasound, where they showed the new baby was measuring at 4 weeks instead of 5 and a half, which makes a big difference very early on. It’s gotten worse and it’s pretty clear this one isn’t going to work out.

It makes me sad and angry. I feel humiliated that I told people about your new brother or sister–we should have waited, I guess. I was only telling people I wanted to be there to support me if something did go wrong, but instead I’m just ashamed and want to hide.

I feel guilty that I don’t feel that sad. Disappointed, sure, but mostly I just feel like, well, that’s a bummer, maybe next time. And I miss you all the more, because I shouldn’t have to go through this. I should already have a living child.

I’m still so grateful for the life you did have. I love you so much.

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Today was strange. Wonderful, but strange. We had a quiet family thanksgiving dinner with our family, then a raucous dinner with friends. At both places, people talked about you, asked about you, said they were sorry you were gone. We’re so incredibly lucky–everyone has been very supportive. We decided that we didn’t want to act like you never were. We talk about you often, and pretty much everyone seems to respect that.

At the same time, I felt like I was abandoning you. Because today we told people about your new brother or sister, who we just found out we’re expecting. Your new sibling will be born right around your birthday; the due date is July 26, and you were born just ten days earlier.

It’s so confusing. It feels like a betrayal. Sometimes I talk to your new sibling, but every time I do, I feel like I should really be talking to you. And I feel like I can’t see or hold either of you right now; if you’re only near me in your spirits, then somehow I should be trying to “keep it fair” how much I talk to either of you.

This new baby doesn’t change how much Daddy and I love you. Not one bit. And our family will always be incomplete; we will always be missing you.

Today, on this day we’re supposed to be grateful, I am grateful for both my children. I’m grateful for you, for your short life inside me and for how much you changed Daddy’s and my world. And I’m grateful for your brother or sister.

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A Heartbreaking Choice
Supports women who have undergone a pregnancy termination due to a poor prenatal diagnosis, problems with their own health, or for the health of another fetus (selective reduction).

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