Sometimes we hold pain inside of us that is not ours. Like the pins that the surgeon put into my husband’s foot to hold it together. The pins hold the broken pieces together. Without them, his foot cannot function. It would become incapable of being able to hold his weight. It would become misshapen, infected and useless to him. So these pins, that are not his own, but put there by another, are willingly accepted as necessary, with an understanding that they will cause pain, but essentially, will fix him. They are a vital intrusion.

This experience my family are currently going through got me wondering, in what ways perhaps do we take in the emotional pain of others and hold it as our own in order that we experience a connection, in pain, with them.

Do we then have this experience of collective pain, that we may understand it better, that we may become more compassionate perhaps? So then what happens as we consciously or unconsciously take on this pain? It may be that we become angry and resentful of the pain and say “This is not my pain. I do not want this pain. I hate this pain’. Then as we writhe in our own pain, we become the embodiment of it. We have let the intruder in and created our own version of pain.

We often feel helpless in the face of another’s pain. We cannot shift their burden, so the only option we have left is to feel sad, or angry or useless. We wish to turn away and abandon them in their suffering. But, if we do not wish to turn away from them, we may find and create a version of pain for ourselves, which we too can experience, so that they are not alone in their pain.

We have joined the collective pain merry-go-round. When we don’t understand our energetic connection to each other, this process is terrible in its confusion. It is isolating and diminishing. It lowers our own energy and blinds us to the elusive truth. We are not alone in our pain. We are all experiencing some version of pain and as unique individuals, we all create our response to pain in our own unique way, thus believing that no one can understand our pain, as nobody has the same experience of life, or have the same viewpoint as you. So you are stuck alone in your version of pain.

If we are lucky though, we find another who has felt pain and understands that when we treat each other with compassion, it goes a very long way toward easing our collective pain.

Through selfless acts. With caring and with acknowledgment. With kind gestures, a listening ear and an open heart, we can help each other through the darkness and the intensity these periods of pain bring.

Though we all dislike these periods of pain and are most often found is discourse around the why of pain, in truth we know that these times are great teachers. They (painfully) carve more space in our hearts for connection, to releasing attachment to expectations of shoulds’ (like how I think things ‘should’ be in my life, not how they really are.)

These times are an essential part of our life’s lesson and provide us the opportunity for reflection, stillness and contemplation.

For discovering greater inner strength and resilience (I can accept change and I am able to cope with this thing)

For remembering things like how much love I have for myself and for those I love the most.

For remembering that even those that seem the strongest and most powerful, are often truly vulnerable and in need of our guidance and support.

For commonsense things, like what is really important to you. Your mental health, physical health and inner peace.

For the experience and wisdom I now have and will take into the future.

Pain and suffering are a part of life. A part we wish we could avoid. A part we often try desperately to deny and ignore. The darkness and suffering pose some of the greatest challenges as we live our life and follow our spiritual path. During these periods it is faith and hope that I hold tight in my heart and my belief that there will always be wisdom and understanding on the other side of the trial.

So, my family and I experienced a dramatic U-turn. A sudden and abrupt disruption to the easy flow of life that we were innocently meandering along. Like many other families, we were getting ready for the Christmas/New Year beach escape. A yearlong eagerly anticipated sojourn to enjoy the best of Aussie life. A week of hot days and crashing surf, of cafe meals and drives to the hinterland.

Instead, my husband came crashing down. The consequence we believe of an allergic reaction to something from the garden that bit him or crawled on him. And before we knew it, he had blacked out and from a standing fall has broken a number of bones in his foot and dislocated all his toes.

After an incredibly stressful call to 000 and an ambulance ride, he has had one surgery, to be followed up by 2 more. One in 4 weeks, one in 4 months. He needs to be immobile for 6 weeks and will be required to wear the latest orthopaedic fashion accessory…’the moon boot’, for 6 more.

So I have been instantly thrown into carer mode. My daughters school holidays now in a frenzy of disappointment and disarray with the cancellation of the long awaited holidays and all the fun activities we planned now left to revolve around DVD’s, board games, medication schedules and the art of pillow placement and fluffing (I am becoming quite the expert).

Just like that…that is what life does sometimes. Throws us a curve ball. Or puts up a huge STOP sign. Challenges you to dig back down into that resilient, coping part of yourself. Call up the internal trooper who gets on with the job, and says “This is what we are doing now, so heads up, snap to it and make a new plan” (not that I am really good at planning, but dammit, I booked that holiday in September this year, that is huge for me!)

And then the spiritual and analytical side decides to have its 2 cents worth. Mmmm, why did THAT happen? What does it mean when you break your foot. Maybe I shouldn’t be doing all this ‘stuff’. Maybe my husband needs a new job. Or he needs to ‘make a stand’ or, he isn’t ‘standing on his own two feet.’ Clearly the universe is giving us a sign…right?

Right now….I have no clue. Maybe life just wants me to ‘be in the moment’ more because, honestly, that is all I can really manage. Life right…..shit happens. And then we just deal with it. One broken-footed day at a time.

I thought I would write a little word about how sometimes Christmas does not make us all feel so shiny and bright. Some of us are not really glowing by the light that this particular time of year brings.

To those for whom this time is a reminder of things lost and of past rejections, of lines drawn in the sand that you can no longer cross….I have stood there too.

To those who feel disconnected from this cultural pastime and are reminded of loneliness and fractured places in your heart….I cry tears for this too.

To those who observe the financially debilitating gift giving obsession and the panicked overindulged food frenzy with disdain….a small nod and a lift of my eyebrow too.

To those surprised by the sudden uprising of long buried feelings; the echo of childhood’s disappointments and disillusionments….I feel the weight of that cloud too.

So, as the tinny tunes of repetitive carols provide us with the soundtrack to this year’s melancholic musings, what are we to do?

Nothing Much I say….

Nothing but distant memories….now much more to be grateful for.

Nothing but a story of how I got to be here….much wisdom I have gained.

Nothing but harsh judgement of other peoples choices….much less about them than me.

Nothing but a time to pause, reflect and choose….much do I have to choose between.

I can choose to run stories in my head. I can choose to make harsh judgements that bind me to a miserable aura. I can bemoan my rejections and wallow in regrets…..or I can choose some other way. Connect to a new moment. Love the sense of possibilities. Choose to find the joy in the lights and the giving and twists of this latest ending and the prospect of the new beginning.

Remember the ancient wisdom of this time of year….of Yule. Remember it is a time to honour to celebrate the cycles of nature. I practice this in my heart and it is this ritual that brings back the joyousness, the connectedness and the love that I once lost.

In the blue of the sky, the green of the trees, in the scent of the rain and each thunderstorm.

The stars that are twinkling above me at night and the moon that stirs the depths of my insights.

I remember my place, I feel into the cycles and I am simply grateful for that.

I am known as an inspiring survivor of sexual abuse. I am also known as a thriver. I have dipped into the courage that sits in my heart and made decisions to take back what was lost to me and to empower my life. I have written my book, I have ventured into new worlds, learnt new things, connected with new people. I am powerfully walking along the path of the new creative being, understanding that I am in control of my destiny. I am an energetic being, I can focus and manifest the amazing life of my own choosing…..right?

Yes, that is right. It is also wrong. (oh I do love a paradox). I am still being a human being. I am still susceptible to the frailties of my human emotions. To the forces of the universe as the stars misalign in my house. I become insecure and doubtful. Confused and untrusting of my choices. I second guess myself and plunge into the pit of fear.

What is the point of all of it, I ask, if we are ultimately seeking to return to the blissfulness of inner oneness with the universe? Why do we strive to progress and create new things? If our spiritual nature is ultimately about experiencing the inner flow of connectedness with the great mind of the universe, why am I bothering about all the doing stuff?

I become lost to these thoughts sometimes. I wonder if I should be trying to meditate them away and align myself with the frequency of joy, so I can go forth in a dancing singing delight and start smelling flowers and kissing butterflies.
But then, I stop and remember that all I experience is about my perception. Perhaps there is a great wisdom to be found in this uncomfortable discord of feelings I am having today.

In my hesitation and doubt, I am not being rash and making ill considered decisions. I am thoughtful and contemplative, taking my time and getting things right. In my second guessing, I am asking for help and support and discovering that it is at hand.When I asked, I got just the right amount of guidance. I got what I needed.

I have felt weepy and sad and sensitive which has made my heart break open a little more than I usually allow and discovered that when I needed to give comfort to another sad and weepy heart, it came easily and naturally. And because of that we both felt better for allowing ourselves to be this way for a while.

But then I thought, well, what else should you do when you are filled with this torrent of over-thinking and deep feeling. Should you tremble and convince yourself you are falling into depression? I considered it…

But I said No!

Being in a place of unease, uncertainty, anxiety and confusion does not condemn you to the depressive label. It is just how it is today. I am in it, but I don’t own it. And tomorrow I may be

Disgust or

Tolerance or

Adventurer or

Innovator or

Lover or

Dreamer, but for Today, I am melancholy….just walking around in time and space. Being me.

Well, I didn’t bang the door open in a blaze of excitement. It was more like peeking through the keyhole for many years, then slowly cracking it open inch by inch, until suddenly it was more open than closed. Once I stepped out of the dark and saw what it was like on the outside, bathed in the light, feeling oh so good, I realised that this where I needed to be.

I didn’t slam the door shut either.

I like the feeling of safety I get from that warm dark closet. It is a necessary part of being me. On the days I need to retreat, I will happily step back inside and let the inner world soothe me and teach me what I need to know.

What does stepping out into the world mean to me? It means I no longer feel the need to hide the inner world so much from the outer world anymore. I realised that my inner world had a lot to bring to the outer world. That maybe my inner world might be of inspiration, hope, comfort and guidance to someone whose inner world was as turbulent as mine sometimes is. I learnt how to be comfortable inside that closet and made the place in the dark my own special power source.

The dark, the anxiety, the fear, the pain. They all love it inside the closet too. But there were other things that I found space for inside that wardrobe. Love and light, peace and happiness. A birds eye view. The long view and a grounded perspective.

From the place of dark inside the closet, I had battled and searched and explored until I found the light I had inside of myself.

The light that can illuminate the dark and chase the fears into the shadows.

Once we learn to share space there, we reflect each other. It’s the balance; the magic and the mire, and it helps everything seem much less scary. My light and my dark, bravely holding court inside the royal closet of my heart and soul.