Loud-mouth parrot is haunting our relationship

Q. Last month my boyfriend moved in and with him came his pet African Grey parrot. The bird calls his ex-girlfriend’s name all the time and says things like, “Michael, I love you” in his girlfriend’s voice. I want to kill this bird. And, now she’s asking to visit the bird. I’d rather just give the bird to her, but my boyfriend refuses. He says he loves “Rufus” and will never part with him. A. We heard from people who share dogs and cats, birds, even a boa constrictor, seeking advice on a custody solution. We have to admit, however, the fact that the bird sounds like your boyfriend’s ex does make this problem a little more complicated — and, quite frankly, a lot more amusing. Unlike sharing children after a breakup, it is perceived that sharing an animal is a choice, and therefore done as a way to stay in touch with the ex — not the animal. Many will testify that this is just not true — the connection with the animal is sincere and just too difficult to easily sever ties. Although we believe the best parent is both parents when it comes to child custody, we draw the line at sharing pets after a breakup. While many feel that their pets are their children, the truth is, they are not. Good ex-etiquette suggests that the ex-couple makes a decision about ownership and after a mutually agreed upon weaning period, the noncustodial “master” moves on. But, you offer a twist: if the bird stays with you, you get to have conversations with your boyfriend’s ex on a daily basis. It sounds as if, “You love the guy, you get the bird,” so we suggest you and start teaching Rufus some new phrases. We’ve been throwing some ideas back and forth, and we believe the best ones would be something like, “Sharyl is soooo sexy!” Or, our favorite, “Michael, I love it when you do that.” Breakups are rarely clean. In cases like this you need to roll with the punches — and develop a sense of humor. Jann Blackstone-Ford, Ph.D., and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents,” are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com). Reach them at eebonusfamilies.com.)