The four types of challenging grandparents

Check out the child development section of the bookstore and you’ll get very quickly that there’s about a hundred thousand different parenting philosophies: attachment parenting, positive discipline, spare the rod, and so on. But I’ve also noticed there’s some pretty distinct grandparenting schools of thought as well.

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Type 2: “Grandchildren should be neither seen nor heard.”

We are super lucky — my kid has a good relationship with all seven of her grandparents. But as I talk to friends, I’ve found this isn’t always the case, and sometimes the older generation presents some challenges of their own. A few of the more common grandparenting types:

Type 1: Spoils the grandkids like crazy.

Mantra: “You got dressed all by yourself? Good girl! Here’s twenty dollars so you can buy some candy.”

I don’t care if they were the strictest, stingiest parents in the world: now that they are grandparents, they have only time and love to give. These are the grandparents who just dote. When you were growing up, you had to mow the neighbor’s lawn to get enough money to buy a freakin’ squirt gun because “you needed to learn the value of an honest day’s work,” but now that same tough parent has become the grandparent who believes your kid really needs a pony. They never arrive for a visit without a gift or twelve, and every outing involves an amusement park or parade or something utterly cool. There’s very little room for discipline or boundaries, but pretty much a bottomless supply of hot fudge sundaes. You look like a really mean person by comparison, and your kid will probably love these grandparents more than he or she loves you.

Pro: Your kid will beg to visit them. Con: Your child is no fool, and he will save his brattiest moments for you when Grandpa drops him off, crashing from sugar and an afternoon of instant gratification.

Type 2: Thinks the grandchildren are great, as long as they don’t get too close or make any noise or, you know, need anything.

Mantra: “I raised kids already, now I’m done.”

You will know this grandma by the white carpet in her house and the fact that she has about seventy-five expensive, breakable things in child’s reach but refuses to put them away, saying something like, “I’m sure Junior can learn not to touch.” These grandparents are happy to admire the child from afar when they aren’t in Europe on another vacation. They’ll pose for pictures with the baby, but about five minutes in they’ll hand him back, saying, “I think it needs its diaper changed.” When you visit, you’ll hear, “Oh, darling, wash your hands and then you can hug grandma, this is a silk blouse and it has to be dry cleaned.” Babysitting is rare, and usually involves copious amounts of television. When you return this grandparent is going to need to lie down for a while.

Pro: Your kid will totally get a college fund. Con: Don’t even think about an overnight.

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Type 3: “Mosey up to the Philco, sonny, and let grandpa tell you about the time he wrassled Franklin Delano Roosevelt.”

Type 3: Gets along with kids just fine, but finds babies disturbing.

Mantra: “Bring it to me when it can talk.”

You might think you have an uninvolved Grandpa on your hands, because every time the infant cries it is immediately thrust back into your arms. However, the minute your child can form complete sentences, this grandparent steps up a little more. He generally tries and get the child to appreciate the inner workings of a diesel engine or opera or something not yet age-appropriate, but since the attempts are well-meaning, it still creates a loving, if awkward bond.

Pro: This grandparent has a secret gift: he has great stories about the olden days, when people churned their own butter and wrote on papyrus while sabertooth tigers roamed the land. Con: Uncomfortable moments when your kid says, “This game is boooring. Can I watch SpongeBob now?”

Type 4: Believes she knows how to raise your child better than you do.

Mantra: “We did it this way when you were growing up, and you turned out okay.”

This grandparent is highly involved in your child’s life from day one. However, any attempt to deviate from the way you yourself were raised is met with pursed lips, clucking, and more than a little undermining. Grandma has decided that modern parenting is completely idiotic, and that the fact that you are waiting until your child is six months old to give him solid food is a personal attack on her parenting. “We gave you cereal when you were three days old, and that’s why you slept through the night.” She has advice for every occasion, and even when you insist on your way, you’ll catch her sneaking in to the baby’s room to cover it with blankets and turn it on its stomach, because “babies sleep better that way.”

Pro: I said unlimited babysitting, right? Con: You may need a Valium to survive a visit.

I’m sure there are lots of other types out there. Who did I miss?

Kelly Mills is a writer, editor, blogger, and sucka for her daughter’s theatrics. She has a fitness blog, Fitness Fixation, and also blogs about the world of parenting for Babble.com at Strollerderby and Droolicious.