Penelope Cruz is perhaps not a fan of her brother's new girlfriend. Charlie Sheen may be in contempt of court. Zac Efron might have caressed a gentleman caller's hand. Friday gossip lacks certainty, but makes up for it with dirt.

Eva Longoria is dating Penelope Cruz's labret-pierced Spanish pop star baby brother Eduardo Cruz, and apparently Penelope does not approve: "Penelope believes Eva is nothing more than a fame-hungry, bad B-list actress who is using Eduardo in an effort to further her career… Penelope doesn't understand why Eduardo is settling for a woman nearly 10 years older—especially one who failed so spectacularly at her last relationship. She thinks Eduardo can do much better than Eva." Whoa. I don't know if Penelope Cruz actually wants to destroy Eva Longoria (in which case my money's on Penny, she has the cold efficiency of a contract killer) but clearly somebody does, and that somebody has the National Enquirer's phone number. [Enquirer via Celebitchy, Images of Eduardo at Eva (L) and Penelope (R) via Bauer-Griffin]

Charlie Sheen ex-wife and goddess-in-exileBrooke Mueller says he's in contempt of court for violating a clause in their divorce settlement that barred Sheen from blabbing to the press about Brooke's "alleged drug usage." Apparently he could go to jail six months for this, which would be nuts, given that he only went to jail for a few days when he pleaded guilty to attacking Brooke with a knife. Brooke says their custody agreement is off, too. [TMZ, TMZ]

Speaking of Brooke Mueller, her crisis is Paris Hilton's boon: Brooke appears on Paris' forthcoming reality show. Asked whether the Sheen-Mueller custody battle will be on the show, Paris said, "Let's just say there's a lot of drama in the show." So, no, not at all, but "dumb like a fox" Paris knows better than to say that out loud. [TVSquad]

Speaking of Charlie Sheen, he set the world record for the quickest acquisition of 1,000,000 Twitter followers, thereby proving that A-list trainwrecks are still more popular than revolutions in the Middle East. Guinness World Records is going to put him in their book. It took 25 hours and 17 minutes. [THR]

Zac Efron perhaps held hands in a gay-seeming manner with a fellow member of the male gender, but POIDH. [DListed]

Seth Rogen is fat again: "I'm slowly outgrowing all the clothes I bought last year. It's a sad thing. I gave away all my fat clothes, thinking 'I won't need these anymore,' but I do." Moral of the Story: Always keep a fat outfit or two in the back of your closet, because getting fat again feels bad enough without being forced through the indignity of shopping mall fitting rooms. [Us]

Lindsay Lohan's lawyer is negotiating plea bargains again. TMZ calculates that, if she gets a 3-month sentence, she'd probably only serve 18 days. She's done it before, so she might be willing to hold her nose and do it again just to get the whole ordeal over with. [TMZ]

Mike Myers "secretly" married longtime girlfriend Kelly Tisdale five months ago, although the term "secretly" is relative. They didn't keep it a secret from people they actually know (who attended the wedding), they just skipped the "press release" portion of modern celebrity weddings. [P6]