end of september

wasnt sure what to expect my first day but the email said to get there at 8. i was raised on military time – on time is late. got to the school an hour and a half before i needed to be and walked around the campus. langston hughes hand painted on the walls promising positivity. the combination of crayons glue paper and that weird plastic cafeteria food smell are comforting. it definitely feels like a safe zone you even have to be buzzed into the gate by security!

i was taken aback by the demographics. my uber driver called the area ‘little tiawuana’ an offensive mispronunciation of a city i grew up walking distance from. before i was enculturated in my own i was spanish speaking code switching in a whole different way. silver toothed baby smiles broken sentences arent pitiful theyre familial but i was confused. i thought oakland was black ? where are all the black kids? why are all the teachers out of an anthropologie magazine? not the academic kind…..my first day

my first day i was told by other teachers people electing to work in an underserved area what schools in east oakland to avoid

because thats where the “bad kids” are

what an

interesting

dynamic

the moment i set foot on the steps i was an educator a leader a mother a reference point for how to be because thats what school is and thats what educating positions do

me? what? why?

teachers were created to instill and direct culture

institutionalized americaness

and often the correction of or erasure of the other

who makes it and who doesnt

what an

interesting

dynamic

where do i fit in here? is this right? where does my privilege passion identity and perspective help rather than perpetuate the same interesting dynamic?

perpetuate the same interesting dynamic

why are all the seemingly passionate empathetic people in my generation leaving to satisfy their civic duties for humanity overseas?

why are they leaving these innocent babies to suffer under the downfall of a system that was not built to protect them?

the hope of our future

to suffer under the downfall of a system that was not built to protect them?

when we need so much collective help HERE? in every way

in every way

i was making exit plans for when shit goes down

because no matter if youre a pessimist optimist athiest or person of god(s)

we can all agree it has never been a matter of i f

but always w h e n

i decided im going to stay here

this is my home and im going to protect it

maybe i was blessed to see the world at a young age for a reason

i know that theyve got it figured out elsewhere

much more than us

but also not the fuck at all

i know that we are all struggling in the same ways facing the same perils

together

we are having a kind of social revolution and awakening in the united states that many cultures / societies experience repeatedly

resulting in death

daily

they got toilets older than our entire country

look it up

just because our disneyland is falling apart

doesnt mean we quit

fact check whatever conspiracy whatever scripture you want

read everything you can join a cult club write a blog go back to what you know you need

TALK TO PEOPLE

is the weed really helping? you know the alcohol isnt. idk about pills but definitely flush em homes find god

is it a coincidence that the narrative about “drugs” is softening? should we be numb right now?

go/call home

prayer comes in all forms

we understand the fragility of the virtual world and how much potential we have for construction and destruction

social media has been around for long enough to where we get it… we see it for what it is and we

\

we arent impressed by it because we have mastered the nature of it

because we have mastered the nature of it

so now what?

now we build fam

now we use it as a tool

while we still can

dont make fun of effort if you cant say youre doing the same

but also never believe ur own hype

accept delayed gratification as real gratification again

because thats what will sustain

invest in longevity

that means………work

because just as fast we are realizing and actualizing our voices the intersection of worlds that exist in our millennial mess

they are too

wtf does disney want with twitter yo?

what could they possibly want ….?

they see the power we have as a unit

when we question everything and we come with the muhfkn receipts

they promised us so much. its a small world…so go to college! be a doctor! the promised land! love all!

this is a caste system

my peers are homeless.

and for the racially challenged readers im not just talking about my black peers – u cornball

they dont want us to succeed

ascribe whatever personification to it u need

they dont want us to love each other

they want this tool to be divisive oppressive filtered fake versions of the things that make us feel human in the physical world

the virtual reality is somewhat unavoidable

we’re here

but we are rushing it

did you know that evolutionarily speaking our guts are still somewhere back a couple thousand years

and our diets based on the agricultural revolution ($$$$$$)

conflict with our hunter-gatherer primal eating habits

read about it

a result of our intellect and brainpower

we are rushing our physical bodies

making them sick

and we cant figure out how to cope so we self medicate because

is it too late?

does it matter?

am i hopeless?

why try?

NO

slow

down

come

together

make your own grow your own smoke your own love your own protect your own invest your own

tell them you love them

be honest

love without expectation

since i got here i have noticed a shift in my life

ive been on some kinda minimalistic self-journey

in a way that i try not to spend all of my time working out but acting on

ill look/be lost if i have to to figure it out

because i know im not the only one

if your voice shakes or whatever whatever youre going the right way

i dont care if im perceived incorrectly or trivially whole time

ill take the token role the oreo slander the fake woke the lost rich girl the bitch the boy the athlete the lucky the sad .,m./.,.,m///,…

i will take it all

none of its new

weve been here before weve been here the whole time we will be here again

i do the best i can with it

i have the older generations looking at me with an empty toolbox

hoping their struggle wasnt in vain and that they prepared us well enough

because without scaring us

theyre urging us and telling us that they dont know what else to do either

no one ever has lol

sitting around talking and posting about our wokeness not doing a got damn thing

but making us anxious and unable to function as our species always has

collectively

we have the time to be extra existential when we are all living for ourselves

most of our parents had kids by now

another interesting dynamic

this week i learned that:

the youth cannot read………..

maybe we fell into the generation where the cyclical nature of politics personhood artistry astrology happen to be shitty

and thats just the way it is

so im accepting all the fleeting realizations im acknoweldging it and im letting it pass

im working on me as a collective we

im going to do it openly and honestly when i can

because i do not enjoy being misunderstood

the way we interact now makes it impossible not to be

so u can catch me constantly searching for the balance between passion and practicality