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1. The paralyzing fear of dealing with unpredictable weather.

Is it raining today? Windy? Are we somewhere where it could possibly be humid? All of these factors will determine the products we need to use, which will, in turn, lower the likelihood that our hair will remain presentable. If it’s windy I don’t even chance it and toss all of this hair up in a bun. Windblown elegance is not reality. Messy, fluffy, poodle-looking hair stuck in my sunglasses is.

2. The “less is really, truly more” washing routine.

If we wash our hair on a Monday and the curls are behaving they will not be washed again until Thursday…but probably Friday. Do not ask the science or reason behind it; dirty curls just look better. For me, personally, days three and four are usually the highpoint of the hair days. Plus there’s so much of it…

1. “Have you tried eating better?”

Have you tried thinking better?

2. “You just need to exercise more.”

And you just need a smaller mouth.

3. “You just need to get out more.”

Yes, let’s put an anxiety ridden, on-edge person out in public to parade around the well-adjusted masses. There’s nothing quite like feeling totally out of place and unconnected to really pick up your spirits.

4. “Stop being so hard on yourself.”

Because, you can totally just like…stop. Because brain chemistry is a willful process.

5. “You need to stop moping.”

Moping is what you do when you go to Chipotle and they’re out of guacamole. Don’t diminish the feelings of others with your insensitivity.

6. “Don’t whine so much.”

Oh, like you did about how the Fifty Shades of Grey movie is nothing like the book? Learn to watch better movies. I’m pretty sure…

I hate feeling like this. I wander around Twitter and Facebook… and all I can do is barely hold back from weeping.

I want to believe things are better now than when any of us were children. Then, like a haunting and lilting tune, something like what happened to Michael Brown, Sean Bell, and Tamir Rice happens. Each time, something my mother once told me creeps back into my memories: “We’ve come a long way, but we’ve got a long way to go.”

Try as I might, the peacekeeper in me gets silenced by the activist in me every time. I can’t be out there marching… and the thought is eating me alive. So, likely to the annoyance of family and friends, I’ve made my voice heard online. Sorry if it annoys you, but this is my way to vent.

This story, and all others like it, I’ve followed for years. I’ve prayed, hoped, wished… nothing. I can’t stand this anymore!

I can’t stand feeling fear. Fear for my brother, my son, my cousins, friends from the old neighborhood, my brothers from other mothers, my sisters from other misters, friends from CUA and MSU.

I can’t stand feeling helpless. I can’t stand pretending to be okay with the status quo any longer. If remaining quiet only earns me a false sense of protection, I think I’d rather take my chances screaming to the heavens.

So I apologize to anyone that I make uncomfortable. I’m sorry if I run you out of my life. Forgive me if you get sick of seeing my name on your newsfeed or timeline.

I’ve gotten to the point where I am overly frustrated with life and with the way things are. I’m pretty much floating through life right now hoping for different.

It’s time for a change.

There are some things that are outside of my control, like the bullshit that other people choose to put me through. However, there are ways that I can combat that bullshit. Plus, there’s also that little thing called kicking people out of my life.

There are other things that are within my control. My problem, unfortunately, is two-fold: getting over the feeling of failure with even the slightest stumble…and avoiding the feelings of procrastination and apathy creeping into my mind.

Sigh.

I’m trying my hardest to keep it together, but I have to admit that it’s difficult. I’ve been told to pray on the situation, but there have been times that I believed that God had/has given up on me.

I’ve tried telling myself that things will get better…but a part of me refuses to believe it. I try telling myself that I’m still standing, but a cynical part of me constantly asks what my definition of “still standing” is.

Again, it’s time for a change.

It’s funny…I mentioned a couple of the things I wanted to accomplish on my Facebook page and asked for people to join me. Instead, I got people who wanted to sell me on some other stuff rather than what I was trying to accomplish. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that either I’m on my own or I need to find people who are on the same page as me.

Don’t get me wrong. Recently, I’ve taken some baby steps in the right direction. However, I’ve stumbled quite a few times already. I’m trying to roll with the punches, but it’s been difficult at best.

I regret quite a few decisions I’ve made in life. However…I don’t regret the journey those decisions have forced me to take.

I’ve realized that I would probably be a different person if I hadn’t taken the journey I’ve taken. I’m not quite sure if that’s a good or bad thing, but I can’t imagine what kind of person I’d be.

Do I even wanna know?

I think I’m beginning to make peace with my life. I’m not happy with everything that’s happened, but I’m learning to accept that the past is in the past. I’m trying to learn to move on and just try making tomorrow better than yesterday. That’s a work in progress.

I’m feeling frustrated as of late. I have all these plans, all these ideas, all these things I wanna get done or accomplish…

…and no motivation or “get up and go” whatsoever.

How the Hell am I supposed to get anything accomplished if this keeps happening?

I can’t understand it. I can’t shake it, no matter how much I want to. It sucks, to be honest with you. I just want to get things done. I can’t figure out how to make this go away so I can let the ambitious part of me take over.

I have a list of things I need to get done: start an exercise routine, fix my daily diet (not the lose weight kind of diet, but the overall way I eat…my lifestyle, basically), gut out a room of the house to redesign it, do spring cleaning…