"If it can be verified, we don't need faith... Faith is for that which lies on the other side of reason. Faith is what makes life bearable, with all its tragedies and ambiguities and sudden, startling joys."
— Madeleine L'Engle

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I think I feel like myself these days

Since becoming a mother, I've struggled a bit with what it means to be me, as a mom. Many of the things I enjoy or do are either no longer possible, or possible in much smaller amounts, especially now that I am back at work. I don't have the luxury of baking whenever I want, or long trips to the grocery store and running errands, or coffee with a dear friend whenever we can squeeze it in. Now those things often have to be planned, and I have a very cute someone else's eating and sleeping schedule to consider and work around. At first it seemed very difficult, even impossible sometimes, for me to go anywhere or get anything accomplished, which apparently is very important to me, because I found the thought of things always being this way a bit suffocating.

But lately things seem...easier. It helps that Hazel is a little older now (even though I still want her to be as tiny as the day she was born!), and getting a little more sleep keeps my perspective in balance. But I also think my self, or whatever it is that makes us who we are, is shifting and evolving to become a mother. Even though I have been a mom for several months now, I feel I am still becoming. On some level, I must have assumed it would happen instantly, because the process of becoming a mother has taken me by surprise. Often in ways that reveal my true heart: I have been humbled, surprised, embarassed and grateful. But I think mostly humbled.

1 comment:

I tried to leave a comment on this post long ago, but after writing out a long paragraph...it disappeared. And I was much too tired to try again. :)Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how beautiful and true your words were. I think our minds are wired similarly..with some of the same identity ponderings...and introspective musings about 'becoming'... And of course, Madeleine L'Engle at the top of a blog is a sure sign that I will feel pretty connected to the blogger :) I miss knowing you. Our friendship used to be a lot more 'daily'... and now it seems to be...'decade-y'?? haha. I love this connection and am so grateful to still learn from and be encouraged by your wisdom and wit :)love you!