[understood?]

June 10, 2016

Sometimes Often, it is hard to understand what someone is going through. I mean, truly understand.

You have to know the person well enough and the person should trust you enough to show one’s true feelings instead of hiding behind the mask of “I’m fine” and smiles.

And sometimes, it is you who wants to be understood and you’re trying to come up with examples that would give the person who asked “How are you?” a glimpse of the feelings you’re experiencing and you fall short. Or, it feels as if you fall short.

So you joke it off and pretend that it didn’t really matter. You tell your friend and yourself that you can simply stuff those feelings into the back of your mind where they won’t bother you anymore. You actually try to believe it, too.

You try this once. Twice. Three times.

And then it feels meaningless and you give up.

You begin to feel kind of guilty because you have allowed that thing to bother you so much, that you have actually felt bad about something, whatever it is, even though “it’s not that bad.”

In the end, you just try to forget it all and struggle on living. After all, there are people with problems much worse than yours, right? You don’t even have anything to complain about really.

Life is great.

Isn’t it?

Until a moment comes and you’re on your own, with only your thoughts to entertain you.

“But he’s going to come back soon and it’s not as if he has traveled far. He’s gone for just a week,” people tell me when I share that I am feeling incredibly lonely in the evenings, lying in bed by myself. “After all, it’s good to be apart.”

I keep telling myself the same thing.

And yet, here I am, waiting for the sleep to come and listening to audiobooks and astronomy lectures so I don’t feel as alone as I fall asleep.

Here I am, waking up and making morning coffee for myself, something I haven’t done in a long time because Sam and I usually make “love-infused” morning coffee for each other every day.

Here I am, coming home and wondering what to eat and making a sandwich because I don’t have the appetite nor the desire to cook just for me. (Everyone said you lose appetite only during the dating period, there was nothing on losing one’s desire to eat when your loved one is away when you are married for over 2 years.)

Anyway, it’s time to once again settle for sleep. Every night brings that day closer.