As if the ozone hole weren’t enough, now there’s a hole in the troposphere

Everyone knows men shouldn’t wear white dress shirts without undershirts, because then you can see their furry chests and tantalizing man-nipples and sensual sweat stains. But the Earth’s been shopping at the Hanes Outlet again, because ITS white v-neck — a.k.a. the troposphere, the innermost part of the atmosphere — has a hole.

This hole in the Earth’s first atmospheric layer is letting dangerous, ozone-killing chemicals sneak out like nefarious body odor. Normally the troposphere catches the sweat, if you will, of pollutants and then wrings them out in rainstorms before they can do much harm. But scientists recently discovered a hole over the Western Pacific when weather balloons went poking around.

Because it has only just been discovered, researchers are as yet unsure what causes this hole. But by letting certain chemicals escape into the upper levels of the atmosphere, the OH [hydroxyl] gap could contribute to the depletion of the ozone layer over the polar regions and influence worldwide climate.

Sulfur dioxide in particular is slithering out the hole, as developing nations in Southeast Asia increasingly industrialize. Basically, we need a sewing kit or a better planetary antiperspirant or both.