One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you, don’t do anything at all

Go ask Alice, when she’s ten feet tall

And if you go chasing rabbits, and you know you’re going to fall
Tell ’em a hookah-smoking caterpillar has given you the call

And call Alice, when she was just small

When the men on the chessboard get up and tell you where to go
And you’ve just had some kind of mushroom, and your mind is moving low

Go ask Alice, I think she’ll know

When logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead
And the white knight is talking backwards
And the red queen’s off with her head
Remember what the dormouse said
Feed your head, feed your head

A wise person had told me once that the definition of madness is that you do the same thing again and again and expect DIFFERENT results so when you go to psychopaths and expect compassion you really should not be surprised at all!

It is all a matter of relativity , one person’s psychopath, is another person’s hero etc. however when you are sitting across yet another Soviet Russian educated psychiatrist and he goes over your life and instead of taking an incident where you were badly hurt and how you got over it by rehabilitation and even turned to yoga and makes your life seem chaotic and how you need pills in order to balance and not yoga, because the man is a pill pusher, he does not care about you, and even though you tell him you were never diagnosed in all the years you had gone to therapy , he insists that every therapist so far has been wrong, the way the previous psychopath you had gone to had insisted, and you must take pills because you have mood swings , even though you dont have mood swings but just have very deep thoughts and strong emotions, that you control most of the time ,but in the world of the psychopath every human behaviour that slightly moves away from the line is abnormal and needs medication.

You tell him you do not believe medication helps people such as yourself who are simply feeling lost and he knows better, of course he does, he who has NOT ONE KIND WORD; NOT ONE ENCOURAGING WORD to offer, other than say you will be on a waiting list of NINE months if you seek a psychologist and psychotherpay paid by the health insurance and no waiting list if you take his magic pills.

“I dont believe in marijuana , i dont believe in ritalin, those are just drugs but these mood stabilisers really work “, says the bald psychiatrist, a carbon copy in age and nationality ( soviet union trained doctor used to medicate those who disagree with the system ) of the Russian psychiatrist you saw last year.

Why do you insist on seeing psychiatrists ? You are placed on a waiting list, you wait several months and when you see the wizard of oz, you feel disappointed, you realise that there is no wizard who can give the straw man a brain, the tin man a heart , courage to the lion, and a home for Dorothy, or you a direction, but it is little Russian man with vladimir Putin accent, saying “thank god” in between listening to your life story, and “in blessed memory” when you mention a deceased relative and then it turns out to be yet another carbon copy Russian psychiatrist , and didn’t you write a paper about the Soviet system versus the American system of prison and weren’t those prototypes all the same ?

Dicouraging, shrinking you to a helpless pill taking patient?

You sign up for door no. 2 – health insurance paid psychologist with a waiting list of nine months and you say, no thank you to the Russian Psychiatrist no. 2. realising you will never ever change his mind and he will never ever change yours..( unless you lose your mind in which case any path will lead anywhere and you will not care anymore)

So you walk into the health store a teacher at your previous school had recommended and you purchase some vitamin pills and some pills that contain a plant that is supposed to balance the hormones of a woman in transition and you allow yourself to be who you are ; often confused, always genuine, always meaning well, always getting in trouble, learning after repeating lesson after lesson and always following that white rabbit..