Kevin Outman, 26 years old, brother of Army PFC Brian Outman, watches CNN and reads news articles to catch the latest news on the war. He hasn't heard much about/from his younger brother since the the start of the war, until a mention of Brian in yesterday's Chronicle. In front are some of Kevin's pictures of Brian when he was in training. (PHOTOGRAPHED BY LIZ HAFALIA/THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE) less

Kevin Outman, 26 years old, brother of Army PFC Brian Outman, watches CNN and reads news articles to catch the latest news on the war. He hasn't heard much about/from his younger brother since the the start of ... more

Photo: LIZ HAFALIA

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Photo: LIZ HAFALIA

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Combat fatigue in the living room / Santa Clara family has son in Iraq

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Armed with a remote TV control, computer keyboard, stacks of newspapers and a bottomless cup of coffee, James Outman is a man with a fixation.

He spends nearly every waking hour in his Santa Clara home scouring the Earth for information about the war, for one single reason -- his youngest son,

Brian, is in it. As a Marine.

All the Outman family knows is that Brian's Marine unit -- 3rd Battalion, 4th Marines -- has been battling its way into Baghdad, taking heavy fire and casualties. And for the past three weeks they have heard nothing at all from their son, but for a mention in a Chronicle story proving that, as of Tuesday, 20-year-old Brian was alive and well.

"It was like winning the Lotto for me," Outman said of reading the snippet about Brian. "He did say (in the newspaper account) that he'd almost been killed four times that day. But he lived through it. He was OK."

Though they are well away from the front lines, the war is taking a toll on the Outman family, and father James in particular. The 49-year-old management consultant hasn't slept well in weeks, his face is puffy and pale, his blue eyes heavily circled.

His hands sometimes tremble as he lights a cigarette, or when he sips from his coffee mug. The mass of information he has collected over the past weeks feels like a physical weight. He knows it would be healthier to take a break, but he feels that walking away would be, in a sense, turning his back on his son. To keep watching, to stay alert, is all he can do, and his parental instinct demands that he do no less.

"He's getting combat fatigue in the living room watching this stuff," said Kevin Outman, 25, Brian's older brother and a Marine now on active reserve.

Outman's wife, Hila, who is Brian's stepmother, also worries about her husband.

"I try to drag him away sometimes, because it's eating him up. But for him, it's misery with, and misery without," the TV.

Despite their concerns, nobody has seriously considered seizing the remote control and shutting down the flow of images.

"I wouldn't do that because it's his son over there, and if he has to watch TV, he has to watch TV," Hila Outman said. "It's his connection with his son."

Besides, the rest of the family is nearly as media-obsessed as James is. Kevin and Hila scour the papers, reading every scrap of war news. They gather around the television day and night, watching with one eye while they hash over their hopes, fears and theories about the war.

James admits that his family's military history is probably the reason two of his five sons decided to join the Marines. He spent six years with the Army during the waning years of the Vietnam conflict, most of that time as a recruiter.

"I never sent people to direct combat jobs, as a recruiter, because I would have felt guilty if they had died," James Outman said. "I even talked a lot of people out of joining. But unfortunately I wasn't able to talk this guy (Kevin) and his little brother out of joining."

Both of the Outman Marines were eager to see action in Iraq, though Kevin, on active reserve, agreed not to volunteer at the request of his parents. If he is called up, however, he will go. Brian's dedication to the Marines is such that he was dubbed Hard Dog Outman.

But in a solemn conversation shortly after Christmas, Brian sat down with his father and outlined his wishes, should he be killed while serving. The memory of this conversation brings his father to tears.

"I'm not pro-war," James Outman said. "All war is bad and awful. But I am proud of my sons, I'm a proud American. And things will be better in Iraq after Saddam and his forces are gone. They are the scum of the Earth."

But the more he learns about Iraq, the more ambivalent he feels about U.S. goals in the region.

"I read everything about Iraq that I can find," James Outman said. "Before the war began I didn't know that Iraq had stopped taking dollars for oil, and only accepted Euros. I didn't know about Saddam's atrocities. Now I debate with friends. Nothing is black and white."

The apparent collapse of Saddam Hussein's regime on Wednesday brought palpable relief to the Outman household, but there are no plans yet to give up the round-the-clock news vigil.

"Maybe once . . . Baghdad is pretty secure, then I'll feel like I can take a break," James Outman said. "Then I can have some emotional release."

One recent night, while searching for a blank videotape, James found an old recording of Brian and a friend at 8 years of age, fooling around with clay.

"I thought, wow, here he was so innocent and playing," Outman said. "And now he's out there."