1/25/11

Adrift

Went back to work today. It was mostly good to get my mind on something else for a little bit. I had several people come up to me throughout the day and offer their support. It means the world to me. I just wish I knew what I needed.

I felt like a ghost, haunting my old life. I was in familiar places doing familiar things. I was interacting with people in the same way I did before (for the most part). I, however, was in an entirely different place mentally. I have a photo on my desk of the four of us at Grandma's service. I'd look over, feel the familiar warmth of love and family, but then remember one is gone. It's like starting a car, it almost turns over, then doesn't. Oh. Right. That thing happened. Last week. Was it that long ago? Didn't I just get that call a few minutes ago? My world seems to be fighting against itself.

I was told by a dear friend that life will never be normal again. In time, I'll just have a new definition of normal. I don't know how long it'll be before this bubble that separates me from the rest of my life will go away. I hope it's soon. I smile and laugh in the normal way. I make jokes, chat about trivial things, do my job. But the in-between times...I'm not a depressed, useless husk...but I don't idle nearly as well as I used to. I just sigh and think, almost nonchalantly, 'Gee, I sure miss my Dad.' I'm hoping I'll at least stabilize somewhat after the funeral on Thursday.

Grandma Gail had this habit when she was on the phone. While we were talking, she'd put in this filler phrase. Sometimes it'd be appropriate, sometimes not. "Well...I don't know..." in kind of a 'what can you do?' type of usage. I noticed that Dad had started using that same phrase throughout our conversations. Not nearly as much, but it was still there. Same tone, same inflection, same filler placement.