The Curse of the Beautiful Woman

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This is one of those titles that can be interpreted a couple of ways. A man reading the title would probably think it's the beautiful woman that's the curse: Heart-breakingly gorgeous, but stuck-up, aloof, and completely unavailable to the average Joe. A woman reading would probably interpret it as the beautiful woman being cursed: She's hated by other jealous women, and lied to constantly by men who would go to shameless lows just to get her in bed, call her a cab and boot her out the door.

I guess either notion could be correct. It was a blog submitted by Higgs-Boson that made me recall a time when I was a senior in high school, having lunch on the lawn of a church with some friends when we witnessed a minor car accident. We all turned and looked up at the sound of a loud, dull thud to see that some guy had been rear-ended by a black Jetta as he was waiting to take a left into the Hess station across the street. He got out of the car with a pissed-off expression that changed immediately as a gorgeous, leggy blond stepped out of the black Jetta.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" Is all she said, as the unfortunate man inspected the wobbling, crinkled condition of his bumper.

"Don't worry about it," he said, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose for a moment, before waving her back practically-unscathed car. He got back into his own vehicle and sat for a few moments with his head down. The unfortunate man inspected the wobbling, crinkled condition of his wiener before eventually driving off himself.

Our group of mildly-attractive-to-fugly girlfriends showed off mouthfuls of chewed-up carrot sticks and fluffernutter sandwiches, as we looked on in open-mouthed amazement. We had an idea of how things operated in the real world, but what we'd just seen was more educational than any field trip.

Nobody walked away from that a better person. The man was probably wallowing in self-loathing as he drove off in his-fucked-up car, realizing that the spheres of influence had clouded his thinking so much that not only did he let that girl off the hook, but he'd also missed the dating loophole of getting her contact info without actually having muster up the courage to ask her out. She drove away more oblivious than ever not only of the wake of destruction trailing out behind her, but of the awesome superpower she had to basically be able to walk between the raindrops as everyone else got soaked.

How could she be the one who's cursed? Well, that was about 12 years ago. I estimate she was about 25 back then, so she is probably in her late thirties by now. Her skin has started to lose her elasticity, her metabolism has slowed down, and her boobs are drooping a tiny bit lower every day. In other words, she is slowly losing everything she once had going for her that made men excuse her for her stupid bullshit and women not call her out for fear of being called jealous hags.

Infamous internet male chauvinist Dick Masterson once said that women stop developing mentally after the age of twelve. While I'm no stranger to exaggeration for the sake of humor, I still say "fuck you" to this guy. Still, I can't deny that it may be somewhat true in the case of the exceptionally beautiful. Why? Because twelve is around the age that the boobs start to sprout and everything starts to bloom. That's the age where these girls begin to receive dramatically different treatment from the rest of her peers. Why would she continue to develop a personality when the population begins to fall at her feet, cleaning up every mistake she makes, laughing at her jokes that aren't funny, and not correcting her cartoonishly inaccurate outlook on life? Anyone that dares to do such a thing is mowed down by a volley of venom, about how they only wish they could be her or be with her, but could never be good enough. In the mean time, nobody's suggested she try to build some character, or
experience empathy. I'm pretty sure it hadn't occurred to her on its
own.

Then the days come where all of her good qualities, a.k.a "her looks", begin to fade. Men stop tripping over each other to get the door for her, people stop trying to impress her, her husband who married her for her beauty has left her, and suddenly she's all alone in a world that she has no idea how to navigate without help. Plastic surgery had only gotten her so far before it started making her look like a transvestite alien, her parents have aged and are in no position to try and care for someone else, and now she's just a babe in the woods...An ugly, ugly babe in the woods.

Of course not all beautiful women are shitty people. Take my friend Jillian, for example. She is a genuinely kind and talented person who happens to look like Natalie Portman. I hate going to bars with her, because it makes me the blocker by default. Actually, I just hate going to bars, period, but back to Jillian; She is still cursed, because she really can't believe a word most men say to her. She's lied to constantly by guys who want to shag her. These are not douchebags that you can spot a mile away either. She's had consistently bad luck with guys that seem perfectly nice, even passing inspection with her friends and family, before someone tips her off to the fact that he has an eHarmony profile with a picture she took of him as the ID photo. She's left with a broken heart and the inability to trust anyone with gonads, whether they be noble or not, because she just can't be sure!

So the next time you find yourself raging about being short-changed in the favor of some undeserving eye candy, take a deep breath. If she's not wading through shit right now, her time is coming.

Louie has a more proactive solution, rather than just waiting for time to catch up with her.