Dead to my family

You're not banned from your sister's wedding until and unless she says her invitation is revoked. I'm not saying that your parents can't pressure her into it, but you can just acknowledge and ignore whatever your parents say about that. Don't pass the buck to your sister by telling them that, just treat it with all the respect you'd treat me saying you're not welcome at the wedding.

You may have to stay at a motel rather than your parents' house, but that's not the world's biggest expense.

As for the rest, I haven't got a lot of experience to offer, but No Longer Quivering might be able to.

Well, the odds are decent that she'll have regrets sometime (I've only heard the bad stories, but certainly some quiverfull husbands let it go to their heads), so one thing to do is just say "well, I'm still your sister and I still care about you. You've closed the bridge, but haven't burned it. If you ever change your mind and want to talk to me, I'll be waiting."

I found the following stories very moving, don't know if they would mean anything to you:

You know, I posted a status on Facebook saying exactly that - I'm here whenever you're ready to be family again, love you, hope that Elochaicah can bring you back to the loving family I know you can be. My sister messaged me immediately and ripped me a new one for posting something so slanderous. No fucking clue what dictionary she used to come up with that definition, but my smart ass side wanted so badly to say "you keep using that word, but I do not think you know what it means" (princess bride)

Ikr? Truly makes me wonder about those recent studies diagnosing religious fundamentalism as a psychological disorder. There is no logic, a complete detachment from normal human emotion, and an almost borderline personality disorder type of hyper ability to lie.

Poorly phrased on my part, I apologize. I was trying to describe how it feels like you're talking to an entirely different person when they're actually honest, but then they switch back to their fundie insanity and literally don't remember ever having said such and such. It's almost seems at times that they're so deluded by their faith that it's not really lying bcs it's not being done consciously. Pathological lying really didn't seem to quite encompass that, but it's late and I'm known to be confused and wrong periodically. My gf was told she's borderline bpd, but the doc who explained it to us was a GP and not a psych, so who knows...

Medical personal are extremely prejudiced against people with BPD, both in and out of the psychological field. People with BPD are considered worthless and lost causes and many psychologists will not work with people like me (and your gf). Like most things, myths are spurred on my incorrect information thanks to the media and the sort. I'd suggest looking at r/bpd.

As an antitheist, it made me chuckle to see someone with a psychological disorder be offended at being compared to a religious person (I know that's not quite what was going on here, and I know nothing about BPD, but that's how it seemed at first glance, and I liked it). :]

I have some of the same feelings, however the problem I have with this action is that I don't think the family would believe her if she did rat out the sister; it'd just make them even madder with her. If she wanted to drop a bomb to sow chaos and confusion in this family (which actually might not be a bad thing; it might make them wake up and re-evaluate everything if the "good kid" turned out to be a big liar and doing "sinful" things too), she'd have to come up with irrefutable proof of the sister's lifestyle, not just verbal allegations.

Ooh,forgot to say, my family and their church are very much quiverfull people. Also, exodus is the organization that I worked with when I tried to pray the gay away as a kid/teen (started when I was 9 after listening to a presentation in church)

Same thing happened to me. My options were Church or Church, so I moved out within three hours of the conversation and refused to speak to my family for two years. They ended up changing for me. It probably helps that I'm an only child...

Grieve if you need, but don't dwell on it. If they don't get over it then cut them out and your life will be better for it. It sucks, but shitty people that only bring you down don't need to be in your life.

I think you're awesome and I like you. You can be in my family instead if you want.

Thank you, I feel so blessed to have people coming out of the woodwork to support me. Here, at work, in my network of friends and acquaintances, the love has been such a comfort. Reinforces my faith greatly, as it's beginning to feel like Elochaimah is saving me from their toxicity.

I would say it's better to not be driven by your anger. People are victims more often than they are inherently evil. Not saying that you need to tolerate them but consider them victims of a fundamentalist faith.

I'm really sorry that you have to be the bigger person here. It must be hard to leave behind a family that you love. But you will find and make a new family that loves you--actual you, not the you they just want you to be.

they did you a favor. 'wishing' it were otherwise won't make an ounce of difference. revel in your nature and move on to greener pastures>>>find a partner with a pro-love-in-all-forms perspective and start anew. your previous family situation sounds particularly insane to me

This is way off topic, but do you know any good resources to learn Korean? It's a country I would like to visit someday, and I'm encouraged by the fact that hangul is an alphabet so it would be easier to wrap my head around then, say, Japanese.

Those people who you call family have set their priorities, and they aren't you. I am so sorry. That sucks a huge crucifix. This is one more example of the problem with the Texas Taliban lifestyle. It creates more problems than it solves, for its own sake.

I really hope you find people that accept you and make you happy. I hope you can convey to your family that they have made a bad decision. As long as you seek happiness, you will grow further from the family that is asserting its pressure to make you unhappy. You will grow further from them and once in a while when you realize it, it will be painful. However, the further you get from that negativity, the more happy you will be overall.

I also hope that you are independent enough to not be conflicted with reliance on them. The less you depend on them, the easier you will have it overall. You are smarter than they are. You are more moral than they are. You are wiser than they are. Set yourself up for success away from their control. Man up (8D), be strong, be happy, live long & prosper!

Thankfully, G-d made me to be as independent and obstinate as he made me gay and poly. It's always been a burr in my parents' side. They had been helping me out a little financially the last couple of months while I was unemployed due to my new job not starting for almost a month after I was technically hired. But I'm now working and almost immediately getting promoted. I have an amazing group of coworkers, too, who've been just fantastic in their support. I wouldn't normally expect coworkers to give a rats ass unless they wanted gossip, but I've got several folks that have told me I'm now their family and anytime I need to talk or cry or whatever, they're there for me.

I'm so sorry. You don't have to apologize for taking it hard, it's a genuinely shitty thing for your family to do to you, and it's completely undeserved. I look forward to the day when this sort of hate and vitriol is relegated to the shameful fringes of society and history. Ironically, the harder they push, the more people will walk away from that tyranny.

I don't know if you'll ever be able or willing to reconcile with them, but the best thing you can do is to accept the love and support of the family you've made for yourself. Your friends and partners love you because of who you are, not in spite of it. You are worth all of that love.

I am really sorry this happened to you :(I think you are taking this really well and admire your composure.

This might seem like a set of cold questions, but I hope not too cold:Do your parents still have something of value to you, like birth certificates, school or other education transcripts, money, access to bank accounts? If so, it might be a good idea to think about how to get that stuff or copies thereof.

I'm now dead to the family until I renounce my bisexuality and polyamorous life. I'm supposed to start going to a church of their choice to start praying the gay away if I want to be one of the family ever again.

What I would give to be banned from family duties and never having to see this bunch of morons again.

Rejoice!

EDIT: In addition, my family does not even consist of religious nutjobs.

FWIW, I my family's not terribly religious either, but I have no contact at all with my extended family (who I just don't have anything in common with) or my sister (who conned me), just my mother. I think society teaches us that we're supposed to treasure our families, but in real life things just don't work out that way frequently.

I remember reading that one a while back, still chokes me up. I'm so glad I didn't fall into drugs like that... I had the opportunity, but chose other releases. Granted, that didn't totally prevent my suicide attempts, but it probably helped out quite a bit.

As I process through everything, I'm really beginning to feel a lot of peace about just letting go. Cut the ties to their millstone and go where I am led.

I've seen this on the other side through my dad. For various reasons he stopped talking to his brothers before I was born. Also in his first marriage the relationship between him and his eldest daughter similarly got severed. My dad has always been a black and white person. He makes a decision and that's the way it is. I'm a child from his second marriage, I never knew my uncles and sister because my dad's stubbornness and inability to forgive, whether the slights are real or imagined.

Now my uncles are dead, and I've recently connected with my half sister via Facebook. She and my dad didn't talk for 20 years. I can tell he has regret, for these and other decisions about relationships he has been obstinate. Now he's 85, running out of time, and clings to his choices so he doesn't feel the sorrow.

Anyway, your family is trying a non-stop gap to try to control who you are, because to accept you contradicts what they want to believe. They want to inflict so much pain on you so you'll come back to them, but you know how wrong that is. Basically they are asking you to conceal, lie, and suffer just so they can feel better, and that's wrong. That will destroy you, and you know it.

The only thing you can do is to choose love over hate. You can tell them 'this is who I am, and the day you choose to love and accept me without conditions is the day you can contact me'. If they continuously try to verbally abuse you, stop the conversation. Hang up the phone, stop reading the email. Don't tolerate it, it's bullying plain and simple. This is rough, but choose yourself and look for support with your chosen family. Stand your ground. As time passes they will suffer more for this decision than you will. I hope they come around. Good luck!

I have lots of friends who I treat like my Bro/Sis. An ExFWB, but still friend has a daughter who shares some of my "geeky" hobbies and we hangout every week or so. Had some talks w/ her mom about her daughter wanting to call me daddy early on as well. She understands the relationship better and considers me her BigBig Brother.(Don't forget the second Big!)

I want to lash out and hurt them like they've hurt me, but that's not the kind of person I am or want to be. I want to show them kindness where they've spat hate. I want to show them forgiveness where they've judged and condemned me. But dammit it's tough...

Your intentions are noble and to be applauded. But never forget: you are under no obligation to show kindness to those who show none to you.

Leave them. Please don't stay with these bigot people that have already tried to break you down.

I say bigot and that's what I see there. There are free choices in your life. Your sexual orientation is none of them. If there is a god, this god has made you admire girls. This god decided, that for some higher reason you are meant to be attracted to girls.To punish someone, mentally or physically, is a free choice. It is against the common Christian belief to hurt and torture others. Your family has decided to hurt you. They decided to abandon one of the elementary rules of Christianity: Look after your own flaws and let others take care of theirs. If your family was a group of perfect Christians, they wouldn't hurt someone like that. They are far from perfect, but still prefer judging you (which is god's job, btw) over working on improving themselves.

In- and outside of Christian belief there is no good reason for you to stay with them. You will probably still feel sad about it at first, but you deserve better.

When we're born, we are born into a family, people related to us by blood, people with shared genetics. It also includes people who aren't related by blood or genetics but who have chosen to be a part of the family - our relatives-by-marriage of course but also the honorary aunts, uncles, and close friends of our blood relatives, the people we learn to call family even though they're not related to us and never will be. When we're fortunate, this group of people we call family are endlessly loving, supportive, and cherishing, celebrating us for all that we are and proving a constant source of strength and love throughout our lives regardless of the directions that life takes us.

And sometimes, we're unfortunate in our birth families, and they aren't capable of that. They are, after all, only human, with human frailties and flaws, and sometimes humans are selfish. Sometimes humans are hurtful. Sometimes humans are incapable of that sort of unconditional love and support. We wish it weren't so, but that's life.

The good news is our birth family is only our beginning family. You can make a new one. Almost everyone does, whether it includes members of that starter family or not.

Your starter family has proven to be unable to provide you with the love and support that is your due. That's terribly sad and unfortunate and I'm deeply sorry that this has happened to you. Mourn them, be angry (but not too angry; a little can help, too much will change you in ways you wouldn't choose.) Then begin a new adventure, the creation of your true family, the family you choose. I'm sorry your starter family wasn't your true family. But that doesn't mean you don't have one; if just means you need to build it.

Start with your partner. Tell her how amazing she is and how much you want her to be a part of your family. (It's best to be clear that you're not proposing marriage; even if you're inclined to do so, don't, not right now. You simply want her to be a part of your life and family.) Explore the friends and loved ones you have with and outside of your partner. Who among them are part of your family?

How many amazing hundreds and thousands and millions of people in the world are ready, willing, and able to be a part of your family, if only they can be found and embraced? More than you can possibly imagine. Finding them will be an amazing adventure.

It is absolutely wonderful that you have chosen to live your life openly and honestly and in the way that makes you happy, despite their bigotry and hatred.

I am also 32, also bisexual, and also had the misfortune of being born into a family that subscribes to a fundamentalist religion that purports to be all about spreading the love of Jesus Christ yet seems to be incapable of unconditional love themselves. I realized at a very early age (elementary school) that their bigoted views made them incapable of loving me for exactly who I am. And so, they don't know who I am and we exist on a "need to know" basis. We simply do not talk about it. There are times when my bleeding liberal heart feels ashamed that I do not have the courage to be open about who I am to my biological family.

But I do have a family that knows everything about me, loves me for me, and lets me be the person I truly am. I call them my logical family, the family that makes rational sense, not the one that I was given by an accident of birth. It sounds like you have a logical family as well, and it is times like this that you'll need them most. Maybe host a big logical family dinner to celebrate them and remind yourself how many people are in your life who really know you and love you.

He said that casting me out is their expression of love for me, as they are willing to do anything to get me to believe that my sexual orientation and relationship model is literally hurting me, and that every obstacle or bump in the road is a conclusive proof that I'm being punished for my sinful lifestyle choices.

That may be true, except that kind of 'love' is sick and twisted.

The only way to overcome that kind of manipulation is to live a healthy, happy life without them.

not sure if you mentioned your age or not. I am 41 so what I say will make a difference or mean anything to you in your current place in life.

It is not easy to do, but there are times I life where we have to choose to do what is best for us, for our health, for our mental health. There are people who bless us and people who take from us, and those who hurt us not just physically but also emotionally and spiritually.

As an adult, sometimes we have to reconfigure what we call family. I doesn't mean you hate them or something, it simply means that the lessons they were meant to teach you or blessings have passed.

There will always be people who love us and want only the best for us. We have to decide when we are ready to allow only those who love us as who we are and are willing to stand by us regardless of anything that may happen.

Sometimes, we have to close a chapter and let go of what was once fond memories so we can enter the next chapter and turn into butterflies.

I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given, but here's a big internet hug for what you're going through. It's a shitty situation all around and it's not your fault. I'm sorry you're going through this.

That sounds rough, but you're probably better off without their influence in your life.

Disown then right back. Mutually assured disownment. Express in no uncertain terms that is not up to them. That you will let them back into your life If & when they can treat you like family, accepting even the parts of your life they aren't comfortable with.

If they can't deal & give you the unconditional love family is supposed to right now them stock to your word. Disown then until they apologize & offer acceptance. move on with a life that will be better without them in it.

they all have had an issue with me being gay for several years and lied to my face about it until yesterday

...

my dad called me yesterday to say he made an executive decision

Yeeeeaah… about that.

I read this situation as being that a) your dad is a control freak, and b) some, maybe even quite a lot, of the rest of your family probably don't actually have a problem with you being gay (or, if they've been raised as religious as it sounds, they might be uncomfortable with it, but still accept you for who you are).

But now he's finally bullied them into falling in line — is he paying for your sister's wedding by any chance? And maybe holding that over her and/or other family members who don't want to "ruin the wedding" if he doesn't get his way?

I know it feels awful right now, but I wouldn't be surprised if things change a bit post-wedding. And I bet, either way, there are members of your family who are feeling sick and guilty about this, but feel trapped by the situation (whether that's the wedding, or fear of being ostracised from the family themselves, especially if they're younger or more dependent on the family for whatever reason).

Keep on being you, keep on being a shining example of the happiness that's possible outside of the confines of right-wing religious authoritarianism, illegitimi non carborundum, and quietly make sure all your relatives know where to find you if they want to talk… whether that's just to bypass your dad and re-establish a relationship, or even in case there are some wrestling with sexuality issues of their own…

You are quite correct. A) both of my parents are control freaks. On one occasion in high school, my dad was actually supporting my independence, saying I needed a chance to stretch my wings in a safe environment before I left for college. My mother's completely serious reply- we can clip those wings right off. B) they are not only paying for the wedding but our dad is going to be the officiant. C) my sister has been not only tolerant and loving me in spite of being gay, she's been very supportive of me moving on from my beard of a marriage to a relationship that makes me happy on all levels. We'd watch Sister Wives together all the time bcs we admire the Brown women so much. It's so frustrating to have to choose between her lying to me before bcs she was trying to overlook the issue or her lying to me now. However, in the last few years, my sister has shown herself to be a huge pushover for authoritative men like our dad and her fiance. I've tried to help her build confidence in herself so she can stand up to people. Problem is that this apparently caused massive issues with her fiance and they've been doing serious premarital counseling this year with their pastor. The longer they've been doing this counseling, I've seen her shrink back to her silent, passive default. Supposedly I'd offended her on a couple of occasions, but it took her months to tell me about it, which has made me pause and wonder if she got convinced by someone else that what I said or did was "offensive".

OMG that reminds me. I had posted a status the night my dad cut me loose to say that I still loved them and as soon as they wanted to be family again, I will unconditionally forgive them. Adding that I hope G-d can show them real love. My sister freaked out immediately and wrote like a 3 page message on Facebook. Her list of issues was ridiculous, and basically any time I didn't jump up and down and squeal "that's the best idea ever" I was putting down her wedding and relationship. I used to cook a giant dinner once a week bcs they had been struggling buying food and it was an excuse to hang out. In her msg, I was using her in that scenario so I could be in an air conditioned apt. WTF? I used my limited means to fill a very real need in her life, while insisting they not do anything to pay me back, as it was a gift from me to them bcs we're family. It is such a huge smack in the face to be told my gift without strings was solely selfish manipulation. That about made me lose it, but I bit my tongue and have chosen to not reply to anything in that message.

I'm sorry, but are you Jewish? I'm no where near orthodox, but around here the J's are the most tolerating people there are. No one minds that my sis is a lesbian, no one cares about my bro toking. As long as one is happy and a contributing member to society no one cares what they do.

I have been in the process of converting, since I was brought up fundie protestant. Love my Judaic roots, they allow me to connect with G-d without the ptsd style distraction in even churches like MCC. My blood relations are Ashkenazim, so I suppose I'm really just reverting to my ancestors' faith.

I'm doing the same! My family escaped the WWII and for some reason my dad decided not to tell his kids where our roots were. The fun thing is that the more I study Judaica the more I realize how Jewish I already am! :D

I wish all the best for you! If someone is holding you back you need to let them go, nothing is worse than letting people hinder your personal growth. Stay true to yourself and the rest will follow, besides the more succesfull and happy you get to be the more wrong your family is.

You're an adult, grown up woman - they don't have any power over you, apart from what power you give them. They don't want to know you? Fine. I know it isn't easy, but they're the people who are going to miss out here, not you.

I know it doesn't sound easy...but fuck em. Leave. You don't want me to be part of the family? Well, good. I don't want to be part of this family until you grow out of your religious bigotry. You haven't lost a family, they've just lost a daughter. You can go find a new family - friends, a support network, partners. They'll never be able to replace you. So tell them that until they grow the hell up, you want nothing to do with them.

Anyway. I'm sure you'll be fine, while they'll stay in their small biggoted world until they've realised what their god has made them lose.

I'm going through similar right now, with the bonus of having to figure out how to explain to my adopted ten year old sons that Grandma and Grandpa might have decided not to love us anymore, but that doesn't mean for a split second that they're going to lose another parent. On top of that, I just had our daughter two months ago, and it's weird because I grieved for myself fairly quickly but I'm really having trouble grieving for the fact that my grandmother (who has no idea any of this is going on, she's not entirely with it anymore and we're all in agreement that the only thing this would do for her is stress her out unnecessarily) may never meet this child because she lives with my parents and my father would very much like to pretend I never happened now.

Do talk to people individually though. We got uninvited from Thanksgiving last week. My mother told me that my brother and Gram would be with her. Then I talked to my aunt, purely coincidentally, and she had no idea that was going on and asked me if I wanted to go to her house. So I called my brother, and it turns out that not only did he have no clue this was going on, either, but he'd heard Mom trying to get Gram to go to my aunt's house so she wouldn't have to take her with them to their friends' house for Thanksgiving.

So it looks like it might actually end up being most of my family except my parents at my aunt's house for Thanksgiving. Ironic as hell, and I'm looking forward to it!

I'm not "dead" to my family, but I haven't interacted with them for years. Their religion-madness pushed me away.

I can only tell you this, I have a fantastic "family" that I've constructed from friendships. They don't demand or try to control me, they love and support me.

Look to those in your life. Find your family.

You can still love the family of your birth, without being bullied or attacked. They can consider you "dead", but it sounds like they're increasing the "stakes" to give their emotional blackmail more power. When it doesn't work, they may calm down.

They're not the people you thought they were. They are the same people who used to treat you well. But what you didn't see then was their weakness. Your sister is not as strong as you are. The truth is that she is willing to compromise herself. Your father is not as strong as you are. If he were, he would rely more on himself for true hapiness, and not on those he considers under his authority.

It can be difficult to accept the truth about people we have loved, and maybe still love. It can be heartbreaking. But eventually you will come to a place of acceptance. And to offset the pain, you will have another truth to hold on to. It is this: When somebody comes to you claiming to offer love, you will no longer accept anything less that what you know you truly deserve.

Let your girlfriend's love fill the spaces of your heart. And you will in time find more members of your intentional family. The people who become your friends now will be those who truly love you as you are.

Honestly? Good for you. My mother very nearly stuck me on a bus eight years ago when she found out I was trans. Your father may want to act like a dick, but there will be other parts of your family that will be glad to talk to you. Give it some time.

Even your father will come around, and if he doesn't, well...why would you want him back in your life if he's trying to make you kill yourself?

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