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Close friendships with someone of the opposite sex – if you don’t fuck them you’ll lose their heart to someone who does.

Happy thesis, right?

I wish it wasn’t so, but if your best friend is the opposite sex don’t kid yourself, unless you are fucking them, they’ll have a new best friend as soon as someone else is.

Which is how it should be – probably, we should be best friends with our significant others.

Even if you and your once best friend aren’t fucking, so being best friends is no longer practical, it’s not so bad, you can at least be good, close friends, right?

Wrong.

You might send them a Christmas card, text them a painful “hello, hope you are well” now and then…

It’s no revelation, we’ve been debating forever, whether guys and girls can be friends, but how often are we honest about the answer to this question?

The honest answer is that men and women can only be friends, independent of significant others, if they are fucking. And that’s just a maybe. Most of us would probably have a few more active, rewarding friendships if this law-of-nature weren’t in place.

Before you light up my comments with disagreement, let’s acknowledge the obvious solution: become friends with their lover, and them with yours, and as couples you can have some meaningful friendship experiences – discussions – with this friend of the opposite sex.

But, you won’t be up late confiding one-on-one, won’t be sharing things nobody else knows, won’t be forging any packs or plans, won’t be friends independent of the significant others.

I submit to you – the world’s congress of common sense, a proposal, to resolve the question once and for all.

Can a straight man and woman share a close, platonic friendship?

Hell no!

But, if that won’t do, how about this:

“Men and women can be close friends, if neither of them have a significant other, [OR], they occasionally fuck each other’s brains out, and have done so prior to meeting their significant others.

which happens, never.

which means that,

Men and women cannot be friends.

I see some of you ….

You are scowling, smirking, disgusted that I make such an obtuse, sexist claim.

Bring it! I’m scowling back! Give me one exception? I challenge anyone to submit a single, verifiable instance of a close, long term friendship between a straight man and women, who don’t fuck, and each have significant others.

Whispers to readers: they won’t find one, it doesn’t exist – is not possible – but, let’s drink wine and watch as they scour.

Now, if we can just settle the nonsense, get over it, and talk about the interesting parts…

Did we all miss the huge, fat, [“FUCKING“] clause of said, proposed resolution?