How I will cast my vote, snufflebottoms.

Oh, pish, tush and buttercups. Of course you are. Don’t be so blessed silly as to suggest that you aren’t. Find something shiny and reflective and take a look at yourself, if you doubt me. You probably have three or four iPads lying about; one of those will do splendidly. You are now looking – or will be, when you reach the end of this sentence (and fear not, for a bespoke, new-minted, hand-finished full stop or “period” of the highest possible quality is at hand and ready to be deployed at precisely le moment juste, as La Rochefoucauld probably never called it, quicker than you can say “Robert Robinson”) – at a gorgeous angel in human form who, at my merest flimsiest triflingest whim, has clicked on that immortal brainchild of Sir Tim Berners-Lee, a hyperlink, in order to discover, ascertain or verify my voting intentions for the Great Winnowing that is nigh upon us.

(There it is! A full stop. Did you fear, gentlest peruser of this arsedrivel, that that sentence was going to caper, cavort, gambol and rollick until it quite lost the run of itself and pelted away like a wheel of cheese down a Gloucester hill? I did, darlingest one. I really did.)

But not entirely, chipmunks of my heart, for I am not made of adamantine stuff. This much I will vouchsafe. I will vote in one of two ways: with a downward stroke from right to left, followed by an upward stroke; or with an upward followed by a downward.