Plus de détails

(Hyde, Eric, and Kelso are sitting at a table. Fez walks in from the bathroom.)

Fez : Guys, guess what I just heard in the ladies bathroom ? (He sits in a vacant chair.)

Eric: Fez, what were you doing in the ladies bathroom?

Fez: Oh, spying, eating lunch, y'know. I heard two girls say they did not want to go to college as virgins.

Kelso: Yeah, I caught that wave last year.

Fez: So I'm thinking if horny virgins are dying for sex, then hunting horny virgins I will go.

Hyde: By the way Fez, it's not pronounced virgin; it's pronounced vir-GIN.

Fez: I thought it was virgin?

Kelso: No, no Hyde's right it's vir-GIN.

Fez: Oh now I will not sound stupid in front of the beautiful vir-GINS. (Eric smirks.)

(Donna and another girl walk through the door.)

Kelso: Oh my God. That's - that's the girl, that's the one I made it with at the Molly Hatchet concert.

Eric: That's Brooke.

Hyde: (He moves over to Kelso's side to get a better look.) Man, no one sleeps with that Brooke. When we were sophomores and she was a senior, she turned down her science teacher, and he drove a Corvette.

Eric: Yeah, she was like some sort of mythical creature, like a unicorn.

Kelso: Well all I know is that's her, and I did it with her, and I'll prove it. (He gets up and walks over to where Brooke's standing by the duke box.) Hey Brooke, now I know this is kinda awkward but could you tell my friends over there... (They wave.) about you and me at the Molly Hatchet concert?

Brooke: Do I know you?

Eric: (Walks up to Kelso.) Hey I'm sorry to interrupt but uh... Burn! (Sits back down.)

Kelso: No, it's me Michael from the concert. Okay, I've been looking for you for weeks and I think you were so blissed out, and that does happen, that you gave me the wrong phone number. But the good news is I wasn't a dream.

Jackie: Fez, if you wanna find virgins, go where ugly girls pray to get pretty - the local House of Worship.

Fez: House of Worship? Are you sure you don't mean the House of Pies?

Jackie: No Fez, I mean the House of Worship.

Fez: (Quietly.) I'm going to the House of Pies. (Walks off.)

Scene 3

Donna's bedroom:

(Donna is lying on her bed, studying. Eric is standing beside her.)

Eric: So, how's it going at Point Place Junior College?

Donna: Well the education's not too great, but the upside is it's next to the Dairy Queen. First day of class we all got free Peanut Buster Parfaits.

Eric: Ooohh.

(Kelso walks in and starts rifling through Donna's desk drawers. Donna and Eric stare at him.)

Kelso: Hey guys.

Donna: Kelso, what are you doing?! (She snatches a book from his hands.)

Kelso: I'm looking for Brooke's phone number. I mean why won't she admit that we did it?

Eric: Kelso, there are racehorses, and there are donkeys. And you are a great donkey, you are like top donkey. But she's a racehorse, and guess what? She don't want no donkey.

Kelso: She might. Look, we had a great time together, and not just cause of the sex part, but because we had a really great time. Donna, please help me find her.

Donna: Okay, I'll give you a hint about where she works. It's in a quiet building, you could try and check her out on a date, but she's probably booked for the future.

Kelso: She's a travel agent?

Donna: She translated her love of books into a career.

Kelso: She's a translator.

Donna: (Say's something in Latin.)

Kelso: She's the translator, not me Donna. Y'know, enough with these brain teasers. (He runs to her drawers and pulls out a handful of her panties. Donna tries to grab them from him.) You tell me where Brooke works, and I'll return your underpants to safety.

Eric: Kelso, aren't you a little old to be stealing Donna's undies?

Kelso: A collector never stops collecting, Eric.

Donna: The library, Kelso, she works in the library. Now will you put my underwear back you perv?

Kelso: I lied. (He runs out the door with Donna's underwear and she chases him.)

Scene 4

Forman's living room:

(Red is sitting on the armchair, reading a magazine. Kitty, Hyde and Jackie are on the couch watching TV.)

Jackie: Ooo wow, those male actors are gorgeous. Y'know I think that Robert Redford is so hot. He's hotter than the sun.

Hyde: He's extremely handsome.

Kitty: You know who I think is sexy? (Hyde and Jackie stare at her oddly.) James Caan in the Godfather. Now, if he made me an offer, I sure couldn't refuse. Yowsa! (Red looks amused.)

Jackie: Do you mind?

Kitty: I'm sorry; I thought we were having a conversation.

Jackie: Y'know what Steven, I actually think that every guy on TV, and in life is hotter than you.

Hyde: Jackie, I know what you're doing, okay? I said Brooke was hot, and now you're totally insecure.

Jackie: Oh I am not insecure, okay? This is a designer sweater, this is designer eye shadow, and those are designer shoes, and they make me feel incredibly secure.

Kitty: You know who else I like? That little fella who plays Colombo. I just wanna give him a bath. (Hyde looks disgusted and Red looks amused.)

Jackie: Steven, why can't you just say that Brooke's not hot? It's common relationship courtesy. If you can't do this, what will you do when I'm old, and ask you if I have crow's feet around my eyes?

Hyde: By the way, that's already starting. (Jackie looks horrified and runs out of the room. Kitty and Red look at him like he's stupid.)

Red: You've never been in a relationship, have you son?

Hyde: What, when she asked if Brooke was hot, I should have lied and said no?

Red: Being honest and screwing yourself is clearly the better plan.

Kitty: Sweetie, white lies help relationships. Like, 'Kitty, even though your pot roast was overdone, I still loved it.'

Red: Oh for the love of God, I did love it. You're a pot roast genius, okay? It was like eating gold.

Hyde: So you're saying lying is good?

Kitty: Exactly. Now go do the right thing, and lie to the woman you love.

Fez: Look at all the smart, lonely girls. Little ones, big ones; it's like a virgin pumpkin patch. (Kelso walks up to the counter and rings the bell. Fez walks to the book cases.)

Brooke: Can I help you?

Kelso: Yes, I'd like an order of books please.

Brooke: Could you be more specific?

Kelso: Could you be more beautiful?

Brooke: Could you be more lame?

Kelso: Yes. (A boy walks up behind Kelso, holding a book.)

Kid: Excuse me, I'm trying to read.

Kelso: Don't be a sissy. Y'know what? (He digs in his pocket.) Here's a firecracker, go live a little.

Kid: Thanks.

Brooke: Look, I know why you're here and I'm sorry, you're not my type. I was high school valedictorian and you're the antithesis of that.

Kelso: The anti-who-of-what?

Brooke: Exactly.

Kelso: Okay no, come on don't be like that okay? Look I really like you and I just thought that maybe we could go out some time, like for coffee and then if that went good, then we could go to a movie, and then when we really start to trust each other, you can tell my friends how we did it at the Molly Hatchet concert.

Brooke: Look, I don't make it with guys at concerts. I read two periodicals a week about the Dewey Decimal system, which I'm sure you've never heard of.

Hyde: Yeah, not guys who set their own pants on fire. (Donna points at him in agreement.)

Kelso: On a dare. And I won a dollar.

Donna: Kelso, if you want Brooke to like you, y'know maybe you should go down to the library and show her you can be smart.

Kelso: (Whining.) I hate the library. The only good thing about it is that you can check out Playboys. I mean they have every issue since it started.

Eric: Wait, every issue? Are you telling me that they have the one with Pamela Sue Martin, televisions Nancy Drew, in a grotto, straddling the world's luckiest boulder? (Everyone stares at him.) Uh, they have periodicals you say?

Scene 7

Forman's kitchen:

(Jackie and Kitty are sitting at the table talking over brownies and coffee.)

Jackie: What is wrong with Steven? I mean why won't he just say that Brooke's not hot?

Kitty: Because he doesn't know how to lie. He's an orphan; he never had a mother to teach him how.

Jackie: I mean, how do I know he loves me if he doesn't obey me?

Kitty: Well, you've chosen a strong man, Jackie and they don't always obey. Now, do I think he should have said that other girl wasn't pretty, yes, but you have to pick your battles.

Jackie: Wait, no, I wanna be right all the time.

Kitty: And you will be. After a few years they just, they give up. (Red walks through the dining room door and heads for the fridge.) Okay, watch. (Red opens a beer and begins to walk out.) Red, could you go to the drug store and get me a Ladies Home Journal?

Red: But I just... (He points to the can.) It's all frosty. (Kitty gives him a pleading look.) Aw Crap! (He puts the beer on the counter and runs out to the driveway. Jackie and Kitty clink cups.)

Scene 8

The library:

(Kelso is reading at the counter, and Eric walks up carrying a bunch of magazines.)

Eric: Jackpot my friend. Not only did I get Nancy Drew, but I also got Margot Kidder, Superman's Lois Lane, in an outfit that, let's just say you don't need x-ray vision to appreciate.

Kelso: Well get those outta here, man I'm trying to impress Brooke with my intelligence. Here she comes. (Brooke walks in and goes behind the counter.) Say Eric, this encyclopaedia of scientific terms has really taught me something. See by lifting this encyclopaedia of scientific terms above my head, I'm using my body's stored energy, also known as uranium.

Brooke: Um, actually it's known as calories, but I do believe at some point you were exposed to radiation.

Kelso: Alright look, I don't know what you have against me, but I'm not leaving here until I convince you to go out with me. (The boy walks in with his mother.)

Eric: Okay, fine. (He puts them on the counter.) I'm a man, I would like these Playboys.

Brooke: (Takes the magazines.) Well, you can't have them. I want you to get in your car, buy some flowers, give them to Donna, and thank God an actual live woman lets you touch her.

Eric: Yes ma'am. (leaves.)

Scene 9

Forman's living room:

(Kitty and Hyde are sitting on the couch. Hyde is eating ice-cream. Jackie walks in.)

Jackie: Okay Steven, I think I figured out a way to end this situation where everybody wins. Now, listen to this question carefully. Is there anyone you said was hot - like Brooke, who you really don't think is hot - like Brooke?

Hyde: Well I could lie and say yes.

Jackie: Then do it. I don't care of you don't mean it; it's the words that count.

Hyde: Jackie, I'm not gonna lie.

Jackie: Fine. (Sits on the arm chair.) Then y'know what, I don't know how to fix this.

(Kitty starts to hum under her breath and whisper 'pick you battles.' Jackie looks at her.)

Jackie: Fine. Steven, I don't care if you think she's hot, because that's how you really feel.

Hyde: Thank you.

Jackie: Hey Steven, will you go to the drug store and get me a Vogue magazine?

Hyde: But I just... (He looks down at his ice-cream.) It's gonna melt. (Jackie looks at him, pouting.) Crap! (He slams the ice-cream on the table and walks out the front door. Jackie and Kitty smile and Jackie grabs his ice-cream.)

Scene 10

Forman's basement:

(Donna and Eric are sitting on the couch. Jackie is sitting on Hyde's lap in his chair. Fez is pacing behind the couch.)

Fez: Well, my plan to have sex with virgins failed, so I've widened my search from virgins to everyone.

Eric: So, basically you're back to where you started this morning.

Fez: Not really, I had some pie. I've done less in a day.

(Kelso comes in.)

Kelso: Well Donna, turns out Brooke doesn't like intelligent men.

Hyde: Kelso, you didn't have sex with her man, just let it go.

(Brooke walks through the door.)

Brooke: Michael, I need to talk to you.

Kelso: Yeah, about what?

Brooke: About our night together at the Molly Hatchet concert.

Kelso: Excuse me. (Points at each person in turn.) Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! (Runs upstairs to Red and Kitty in the kitchen) Burn! Burn! (They look at him like he's an idiot and he runs back down.) Burn. We totally did it!

Brooke: Michael, I just found out I'm pregnant. (The gang looks shocked.)

Kelso: I never touched her. (He's goes and sits down.)

Ending Sequence

The library:

(Brooke is working at the counter and Eric peaks at her from behind a pillar. He sees the kid walking towards him)

Eric: Psst kid, hey you see this? (He shows him a Playboy.) That's a Playboy. And inside are things beyond your wildest dreams, magical glorious things. So if you toss it in your book, and you check it out for me, I'll let you have a look see, what do ya say?

Kid: You're pathetic, just go buy a Playboy, you loser.

Eric: Loser? Hey I'm not the one reading Hardy Boys. For your information the stolen money was hidden in the grandfather clock! Who's the loser now?