Category Archives: Mindfulness

“I’m just trying to hold on. I’m falling in the dark below. I feel I’m falling in the big unknown.

I will rise. I will rise. I will rise again.”

~Songwriters Ben Travers/ Helen Adu

I heard this song sung by Sade and immediately thought of OCD. I know it’s how it feels to have OCD. When you think you’ve figured out how to beat OCD, you find yourself falling back into the big unknown. It feels permanent. Every single time the threat feels like the real deal. But lo and behold, you rise again. Life feels like a Yo-Yo: downward—upward—downward—upward.

By changing just a few words of this lyric the remedy to living well with OCD is revealed:

“I’m just trying to let go. I’m jumping into the dark below. I feel I’m welcoming the big unknown.”

Living well with OCD means letting go and surrendering to not knowing. So rather than falling into the unknown, it’s better to jump right in. Any of these words will do: Leap, bound, hop, skip, jump, seize, grab on to…

Having a bug phobia, when I see a suitcase in the closet I immediately fear there are bugs in the suitcase from a recent trip. In the past, I would have thrown it into the garbage. But I’ve progressed and even though I’m anxious, and have thoughts of infestation, I grab the suitcase, embrace it, and say “come and get me. Whatever happens, happens.” I jump into the unknown.

A bee trap is successful because the bees fly into the plastic bottle for the honey, but then won’t fly back out because there is black tape wrapped around the outside of the bottle near the exit. Bees don’t like the dark. If only they’d agree to be uncomfortable and fly through the darkness they’d be free. But they won’t do it.

What do you wish you knew for sure? What is it that you’re trying to get to the bottom of? It’s at the center of your obsession. You won’t stop until you gain certainty. But certainty is unachievable. It’s like flying into a bee trap to find answers. You’ll do anything to get rid of the doubt. But now that you’ve been tricked and you’re in the trap how will you get out? You’re going to have to go into the big unknown. Will you do it? Or will you stay in the trap trying, and trying, and trying to answer the unanswerable?

The fact that you have OCD means there is going to be something you will never know for sure. You can gain clarity, but at some point, a question will surface that has the potential to pull you into the trap.

How to Stay Out of the Trap?

I don’t know for sure.

That statement might not be what you wanted to hear but it is the truth. There are many books about OCD and specialists who can tell you what to do to live well with OCD.

But all of those ideas can end up being a trap.

When you apply a therapy principle and get relief, you’re going to expect that principle to save you every time. And when it doesn’t, it causes you to spin. You begin to compare and contrast, “What did I do then that I’m not doing now?” You analyze why the thoughts are back. You are utterly surprised the thought patterns are there. And suddenly you’re in the trap.

When you get a thought that disturbs you say, “good, there’s my thought. I want this.” Better yet, spend a lot of time trying to get disturbed on purpose. Create as much doubt as you can and tolerate it. Look for things, places, or people that trigger your thoughts and make you uncomfortable.

Be willing to be uncomfortable and JUMP into the unknown! Jump! JUMP!JUMP!

But Ask Yourself This Question:

WHY ARE YOU JUMPING?

Why are you agreeing to jump into the unknown?

The reason you are jumping into the unknown cannot be, “So that I get relief.” This lacks commitment and your efforts will be half-hearted and superficial. The reason you are jumping must be, “because I’d rather live in doubt than try to figure stuff out.”

Do not try to control how you feel or think. You can’t heal what you won’t feel. Say, “I notice I’m feeling anxious. Good. I need the practice.”

There are no guarantees that you’re doing the right thing by surrendering to the unknown. There is no such thing as knowing anything for certain. No decision guarantees a specific outcome. No action guarantees a particular result.

You have to be willing to find out what happens and deal with whatever happens. “I’d rather live with uncertainty than waste time trying to answer the unanswerable.”

Who do you want to be and how do you want to spend your time?

If you’re not answering this question when you wake up and throughout the day, you’re drifting aimlessly with no sense of purpose or self. You must commit to spending your time being the person you want to be, no matter what you are thinking or how you are feeling. Don’t drift. Jump. And don’t plug your nose when you do it!

A Special Gift For You

I use a lot of catch phrases with my clients so they can stay focused on the mission. If you would like access to some of these phrases, just click BELOW and you’ll be able to print out these free posters.

If you like these posters then you might also like my book, Gratitude, the Great OCD Sanitizer.

Do you think it’s possible to get rid of anxiety? Read the title of this post again. It doesn’t say to get rid of anxiety. It says to get rid of your fear of anxiety. And, yes. It is possible to accept anxiety as an annoyance but nothing to be feared.

Get rid of your fear of how it feels to be anxious. If anxiety makes you feel lightheaded, stretch your arms out like an airplane and start spinning round and round. Make yourself lightheaded. If anxiety makes your heart pound faster, get up and do 50 jumping jacks. Get your heart pounding faster. Go ahead and drum up the feeling of anxiety. Give yourself a good dose of it.

Get rid of your paranoia about being anxious. If you’re worried that people will think less of you because you have a panic attack or act ditsy, then by golly, act more anxious! Get it over with. Don’t complete sentences during conversation. Bite your nails. Jiggle your legs. Wet your armpits with a sponge. Stutter. Make sure people know that you are super duper anxious. If someone thinks badly of you it’s because they’re miserable. Only a person who is hurting will judge you.

Get rid of your fear of the anxiety never ending. Maybe it won’t end. Maybe it will. Time will tell. Anxiety isn’t dangerous. It’s your reaction to anxiety that can make life chaotic. You can do anything anxious. You can do nothing by avoiding. Set your intentions. As an anxious person, who do you want to be? If the anxiety never lessens you can choose to acclimate. Become accustomed to feeling anxious and come to terms with having a thorn in your side.

Get rid of your fear of anxiety as a signal of bad things to come. Someone once said of me, “You don’t understand that we actually experience this stuff as real.” No one can know what it feels like to be in anyone’s shoes. But I certainly have been afraid of something terrible happening. And it sure felt real to me: “This time it’s really going to happen.” The truth is, if it’s not happening now, it’s not happening. If something bad does happen in real time, so be it. Bad things happen to everyone and we deal with them as they occur.

To cope with bossy-pants OCD, you might have gotten the idea it’s necessary to perform compulsions to feel “just right” or prevent bad things from happening. Performing compulsions or mental acts might be what you’ve been doing for years. In your mind, it’s what you’re supposed to do or what you’ve got to do. At least, that’s what Bossy-Pants tells you.

Hallelujah, there are times you defy OCD! Somehow you pull it together, and you say, “NO!!! I’m not going to do that ridiculous compulsion.” In this precious moment, you have gained clarity and recognize that OCD is nothing more than a BFL (big fat liar). You resist the compulsion.

The anxiety rises. You ride it out. You use self-talk like, “Maybe it’s true OCD. Maybe it’s not. Time will tell.” Strangely your prediction doesn’t come true. It’s not the end of the world. Nothing bad happens. You tolerate the anxiety better than predicted. The discomfort dissipates. All by itself. No compulsion was needed.

To your surprise, you don’t feel particularly anxious. But, alas you don’t feel amazing either. You don’t even take the time to pump your fist in the air and say, “Take that bossy-pants OCD!!! KAPOW!”

When you win the battle and outlast OCD are you reminded of your strength and courage? Do you feel blessed to have what it takes to be tricky enough to outwit OCD?

Bossy-Pants OCD Hates Gratitude

Developing the skill to break free of OCD involves much more than Exposure & Response Prevention. Without self-appreciation and gratitude, you will only end up white-knuckling your way through most of it.

Whenever you resist a compulsion be sure to savor the victory. If you have OCD then celebrating victories might not occur to you. Patting yourself on the back doesn’t come naturally to you.

Not honoring your achievements is a problem that needs your attention!

Don’t wait for OCD or anybody else to say, “Good job.” You must take time out to be thankful for all that you are doing to break free from OCD. Each success that you experience is a reason to be thankful.

Your ability to #bossitback means that you are developing a hard-earned skill. Give thanks for the ability to say no to OCD. Even if it’s only once in a while or some of the time–give thanks. Don’t ever, EVER minimize your ability to defy OCD.

Stay in the winning mode and keep your skills sharp by giving thanks. The more time you spend recognizing your victories, the higher the likelihood of beating OCD the next time, and the next time, and the next time.

If someone wants to give you a high five don’t deny; fortify!!!

Accept compliments. Put your hand on your heart and say, “thank you that means a lot to me.” Welcome the support you get from loved ones who are honoring your quest to break free from OCD. Their emotional support and encouragement will help you face the next fear. Recognize the gift your family and friends give to you when they applaud your efforts. Don’t deny or pooh-pooh their praise.

Truly appreciate when others point out your victories. Don’t take for granted people’s acknowledgment of your successes. Give much thought to their praise. Let the sun shine inside your mind and heart. Be happy to hear their kind words.

When someone tells you how happy they are that you resisted a compulsion, allow yourself to feel inspired and you will endure again.

When you say, “thanks that means a lot to me” it readies your mind to repeat the success. Embrace the positive feeling of being appreciated. Accept recognition from others. They too are being positively impacted by your hard work.

Even when others forget to recognize all your hard work know that the impact of resisting a compulsion is still just as significant. Other people don’t live in your mind. They don’t know what you’re up against. So if they fail to acknowledge your victories, don’t use it as an excuse to downplay your achievements. Minimizing your success will only cripple you.

It’s quite simple. There are negative consequences if you don’t celebrate your victories.

It is an astounding blessing to be able to accept challenges and bulldoze your way through OCD. Whenever you feel your hope and determination waning, take a moment to recount all of your successes. Don’t drift away from recognizing even the tiniest step forward. If you make light of your victories, you’re leaving the door wide open for OCD to close you out of future triumphs.

Be grateful for each time you overcome OCD’s senseless demands. Be proud and give thanks when you resist a compulsion. Let the gratitude wash over you. Savor the moment of your victory. Basking in your achievements will rewire your brain!

Be thankful for each opportunity to learn and grow. Find the silver lining.

Self-Reflection Questions:

When you #bossitback how do you celebrate your victory? Eating a special treat? Listening to your favorite song?

How do you savor the moment of a triumph and anchor it in your mind? Do you do a happy dance? Clap your hands? High five somebody?

How often do you express gratitude for all your hard work? Not often? How’s that working out for you?

Do you say ‘thanks’ to others when they compliment you?

Can you feel the gratitude of others even if they don’t thank you? If they don’t acknowledge your hard work does that mean they don’t notice it? Maybe in the past, you’ve shown discomfort when they spoke about your accomplishments.

Are you treated differently by others when you pooh-pooh their praise? Do they become less verbal about your triumphs?

Gratitude: The Great OCD Sanitizer (How to Turn Off Your Inner Critic)

Can gratitude sanitize OCD? You betcha! Count your blessings and discover how the words of gratitude come to be a feeling that warmly washes over you. Sound too good to be true? The benefits of gratitude are scientifically proven!

The voice of OCD always sounds like a critic: “You can’t handle it. You’re not good enough. You should be doing [this], and you should be doing [that]. You’re going to make a bad decision and mess everything up. If you’re not careful something horrible will happen. What did you do to cause this? It’s all your fault.”

OCD continually questions your motives and intentions. “Why do you have such [weird] thoughts? What do they mean? How come you didn’t use to think like this and now you do? What are you up to? You should feel guilty for thinking like this. Shame on you.”

Practicing gratitude is highly effective if you want to turn off your inner critic.

Decontaminate OCD’s sharp tongue by finding the silver lining. When you speak gratitude, you get energized and gain the courage to face anything OCD throws at you.

With an OCD sideshow running all the time, practicing gratitude isn’t easy to do. Once you get the hang of it though, in just a few minutes you can disinfect the negativity.By reflecting on your abundance and shifting your focus away from what you lack, you’ll soar above your worst worries!

Once you’ve worked gratitude into your daily routine, you’ll start to notice that your inner critic is much less stressed.

When you have finally let it sink into your subconscious mind that you have many blessings, your stress will start to slip away. OCD loses its grip on you.

12 Fantastic Ways to Express Gratitude With Your Words

I feel grateful for everything I receive today. No matter what occurs find the silver lining. If you end up with a challenge on your hands ask, “What does this make possible?”

Be grateful for all that you have and shift your focus away from thinking about what you lack. Don’t bother comparing and contrasting how much better off someone seems to be. In a split second, all of that can change. “In this moment I have not needed to start a gofundme.com account. For this I am thankful.”

I am grateful for all the activities of daily living I am able to perform. I scan my body and am grateful for the parts that function and help me throughout the day.

I am continually amazed that my circumstances don’t stop me from giving love! No matter what is going on inside my mind or world, I am always capable of showing love.

I overcome, I grow, and I prosper all the time. My abundant blessings, as well as my difficulties, make me better, stronger, and more alive. There is no destination. I choose to grow as I take this journey.

I am so grateful that I GET to take out the garbage. I GET to go to work. I GET to go to school. I GET to have life experiences.

I appreciate and show my sincerest gratitude to my loved ones. Once a day I tell at least one person how they are loved, unique and important.

The universe is looking out for me. There may be trials and tribulations, but I am never alone.

OCD is a strangely wrapped gift. For [this], I am exceptionally thankful.

I am so amazed by the tiniest of creations. Just look at how this little inchworm moves or how this tiny ant carries a heavy leaf.

I give thanks for all the abundance that is yet to be revealed to my friends and family. I wish them the strength to endure and the courage to explore.

I am grateful for the experience that caused me to forgive someone.

Spending some time expressing gratitude is one of the most natural “stress relief drugs” you’ll ever take. Gratitude comes with no ill side effects, and it’s free. Giving thanks is user-friendly. It’s also portable–it goes wherever you go.

Resisting compulsive behavior is one of the hardest parts of your recovery.

Finding the willpower to say, “No!” to OCD

Finding the willpower to resist compulsions requires energy you don’t think you have. But, it’s no mystery where that energy can be found.

You’ll find the willpower to resist compulsions eagerly awaiting you in two places: Your mindset and your body.

What Kind of Mindset Do You Have

Here are a few questions to test your mindset. Do you want to:

be all better or getting better?

stay in thecomfort zone or be challenged?

succeed or grow?

be all-knowing or always learning?

avoid anxiety or seek it out?

have certainty or live with uncertainty?

A love for learning is better than a fear of failing

Success Mindset

If you chose answers mainly in the blue then you have a Success Mindset.

Your agenda or plan for daily life is fixed and rigid.

You care deeply about failure, inadequacies, and outcomes.

The capability of taking an action can’t occur until an emotion is felt first. (e.g. “I can’t do anything until I feel ready and right about it.”)

What people think of you matters very much.

You tend to be self-loathing and easily frustrated with what appears to be a lack of progress.

Everything is seen in all or nothing terms.

The path you’re on always needs to be definite, clear and unmistakable.

Effortless is preferred over effortful. A student with school anxiety who makes it to school five out of five days is pleased with meeting the goal of attendance. (Focuses on outcome) Had she attended four out of five days she’d have felt like a failure because everything is either all or nothing. (Values perfection.)

Finding the Willpower to Resist Compulsive Behavior

Growth Mindset

If you chose answers mainly in the green then you have a growth mindset.

You’re curious and flexible about daily life.

If something doesn’t go as planned you easily adjust.

Your focus is on finding hard challenges and opportunities for personal development.

The process of getting from A to B is more important to you than the outcome.

Celebrating your victories is not something you do enough.

Practicing gratitude and counting your blessings is something you do often.

You prefer daily tasks and life experiences to be effortful–full of variety and challenges. A person who deletes 24,000 emails out of 26,000 (egads something I need to do!!!) focuses on the effort it took to sit there and do that! She doesn’t become discouraged that the inbox is still full.

A student with school anxiety who makes it to school each day of the week is pleased with how incredibly hard she worked to get there each day. (Focuses on effort) Had she attended four out of five days she would be proud of her effort and look forward to working harder next week. A setback is a setup for a breakthrough. (Values experience.)

It’s harder to find the willpower to resist compulsive behavior if you have a success mindset.

Here’s how to get out of the success (or fixed) mindset and shift into a growth mindset:

Focus on your incredibly hard work and effort. Remember, “If you had fun you won?” That’s an example of focusing on effort, not outcome. To use a growth mindset to resist compulsions here’s another cheer: “If you had anxiety and abstained you won.” (i.e., abstained from compulsive behavior.)

Drills develop skills. Appreciate the value of experiencing anxiety. It gives you an opportunity to practice your skills. You get good at what you practice. If you’re avoiding anxiety, you won’t get good at experiencing it. Hunt down anxiety. Go find it and experience it.

Be curious about your anxiety. “Hmmm, it’s so fascinating how my body can put butterflies in my stomach. I wonder how my body does that.” Focus on the experience of anxiety, not the story about why the butterflies are there. How not why.

Ask, “what does anxiety make possible?” One young man told me that his anxiety makes him a better football player. “How’s that?” I asked. He explained, “I’ve got some big guys I have to block. They’re a lot bigger than me. My anxiety gives me the energy to do it.”

Do your values need a realignment? What is it that you value? A sense of security or experiencing something new? What do you care deeply about? Being with loved ones or avoiding anxiety? Values drive behavior. Make sure your priorities represent your values.

Don’t get caught up in OCD’s story about something bad happening. To focus on the story is nothing but a trick! This is about your anxiety. Stay focused on the true issue. You don’t need compulsions. You need experience.

Resisting Compulsive Behavior and Mental Acts

The Physicality of Anxiety

You can use your body to resist compulsions.

Super Pose

You aren’t the boss of me!

Stand up like a superhero. Look OCD in the eyes with your hands on your hips. Chin up. Shoulders back.

Don’t contain all the energy from anxiety inside one area of the body. If you clutch your chest, cover your head with your hands or make fists where can the anxiety go?

Experience the Anxiety

Notice where you experience anxiety and stay with the sensation. Don’t go into the sensation. Notice it like a bystander. Think of it like a neighbor who is visiting. “Oh, passing through again?”

Oh no…did you just ask, “But, what if I don’t want the neighbor to visit?” This question reflects your mindset. It’s not a growth mindset. You’re not valuing learning and developing. You need the “neighbor” to visit so that you can gain experience. Keep working on your mindset until you can welcome the “neighbor.”

Stay with the experience of anxiety and away from the story about something bad happening.

The Physicality of Anxiety: Discover where the sensation of anxiety is located in your body.

Ask your body, “What part of you wants my attention right now?

Say hello to the bodily sensation of anxiety. “Ah ha, there you are.”

Where in your body do you feel the anxiety? Perhaps it’s unclear. Maybe it’s puzzling, numb or fuzzy. Stay focused on finding the sensation. Keep hunting down the anxiety in your body.

Your OCD story is irrelevant. We’re not doing exposure exercises right now. This exercise is not about your story. It’s about anxiety.

Resist Compulsive Behavior by Finding the Anxiety In Your Body

Describe the sensation of anxiety in great detail as if trying to get someone else to understand what it feels like.

Just notice it. “I feel it here.” Describe it in great detail. Are any of these descriptive words a good fit:

-Is there any tightness or pressure? Where do you feel it?

-Does your skin have any pain, tingling, prickling, twitching, itching? Where on your body is this occurring?

-What is the temperature of the sensation?

-Is there any motion and if so what is the speed at which it is traveling?

-Can you taste or smell anything?

-Does this sensation have any particular size, shape, weight, texture, or color?

-Can you hear any sounds in your ears like buzzing or ringing?

Once you’ve described the sensation, get curious about how your body creates these sensations. Don’t ask why. Ask how. Curiosity is the opposite of anxiety.

When your mind tries to wander to an OCD story, keep bringing your focus back to the physicality of your anxiety. Focus. Notice. Focus. Notice. Experience it fully by describing it and getting fascinated.

Let this sink in: Just because you’re anxious when you resist a compulsion doesn’t mean something is wrong.

Experiencing anxiety is (unfortunately) not what you’ll usually be told to do. But truly, the only way out is in. You can’t master anxiety by avoiding it!

Get into position!

Today’s Best Advice on Resisting Compulsive Behavior:

You can’t be limp when it’s time to resist a compulsion. Rise up like you mean it! Be firm. Stay with the anxiety not the story. Experience the physicality of anxiety.

Everything you ever wanted to know about how to resist compulsions

“If resisting compulsions is the right thing to do then why does it feel so horrible to resist them?”

Questions? I can help!

If you have questions about how to resist compulsions be sure to add them to the comment section on this post. I’ll be sure to address your questions and give you…

The Best Advice On How to Resist Compulsions

What Role Does Anger Play in the Symptoms of OCD?

As a therapist who specializes in the treatment of OCD, I notice a trend. Clients struggle with feelings of anger. The anger is directed outward and/or inward.

If the anger is directed outwards there could be verbal outbursts and even aggression towards property or people. There are heated arguments at home, holes punched in walls and sometimes the police are called.

Anger directed inwards is usually manifested by self-loathing and depression. People hit themselves and/or say horrible things about themselves. They often say, “I don’t deserve this kindness, or to feel good or be loved.”

For some the anger only surfaces when compulsions are being resisted. If they increase their compulsions, their anger significantly decreases. If compulsions are prevented, anger rises.

Anger As a Defense Mechanism

Initially, having OCD can result in the development of maladaptive defense mechanisms. A common one is to detach emotionally. This is a common reaction to repeated trauma, which is exactly what an untreated OCD can be. Trauma and torture.

Having OCD can be very traumatic. The anxiety can be overwhelming. To be protected from the unbearable fear and pounding negativity the brain fragments, compartmentalizes and encodes in a way that causes emotional numbness.

Feelings are essentially sealed off. However, one emotion presides. ANGER. That’s because anger creates heat where there is no life. When a client is detached from their feelings, they don’t even experience anxiety during exposure exercises. They get mad, but not anxious. I say, “Thank goodness you’re alive and kicking!”

Being detached from all emotion except anger can be very disconcerting to someone with OCD who has intrusive thoughts of harm. “Why am I having these horrible thoughts without anxiety. I’m angry. What does this mean? I’m having violent thoughts but I have no remorse. What’s wrong with me. Am I going to act on these thoughts?”

Compulsions Are Used to Alleviate Anxiety and/or Anger.

When a ritual is interrupted a person with OCD will react with either anxiety or anger. If they’re anxious, they’ll likely be drawn to some form of reassurance. If they’re angry over the ritual being interrupted, they might yell. A door might be slammed. “Thanks a lot. Now I have to start this all over again.”

A person with OCD manages their anxiety with compulsions. There might be a story attached to the compulsion. “I shower like this to protect my child from getting sick.” But, that’s just the story behind the compulsion. The real reason for the compulsion is to alleviate anxiety.

Likewise, a person with OCD manages their anger with compulsions. Anger doesn’t seem like an acceptable, or safe emotion to have. There might be a story attached to the compulsion. “I stay away from knives to protect my family.” But, that’s just the story behind the compulsion. The real reason for the compulsion is to alleviate anger.

Why Does it Matter?

What difference does it make if compulsions are done to alleviate anxiety or anger? In either case compulsions have to be resisted in order to be set free. So what does it matter if there’s anxiety or anger underneath the compulsion.

Everybody aways talks about the anxiety attached to OCD. “I do this ritual because I’m afraid something bad will happen.” “I do this because I won’t sleep if I don’t do it.” This is just talking in code. What’s really being said is, “I do what I do to alleviate anxiety.”

In this case, I would help the person with OCD learn to tolerate anxiety. Much of my blog is about this. Can the same be said for anger? Should anger be tolerated?

Experiencing anxiety is not a health hazard. But, resisting anxiety is. Resisting anxiety is detrimental to one’s heart, immune and digestive system, and hormone production. Resisting only causes stress levels to rise. The same can be said about anger.

What to Do About Anger?

Practice Mindfulness Exercises

Notice anger the same way anxiety is noticed.

Notice the angry thoughts without judging.

What is the speed of your thoughts?

What is the anger saying?

What is the anger seeing?

How does the anger feel?

Do I feel hot or cold?

What body sensations am I feeling?

What is the speed of my heart?

Am I experiencing any muscle tightness?

What is my breath like?

What position are my eyes in?

What is my facial expression?

Talk to anger with loving attention.

“Wow, that feels like anger. OK, I can handle it. This is a good opportunity to practice noticing without judging or acting.”

Ask, “Do I have a desire to remain angry?”

“What are my options?”

“Can I assert myself with kindness?”

“If I engage in a compulsion to alleviate this anger, will it be conducive to my well-being?”

“I wish to take responsibility for my actions rather than blame others.”

“I accept that life is unfair and bad things happen. It’s ok. I can handle it.”

“I have a right to be angry. It’s okay. I can work through it in a healthy way.”

Feeling and Acting Are Not the Same

There is a difference between accepting anxiety and acting anxious. Feeling anxious must be accepted.

There is a difference between accepting anger and acting angry. Having OCD is not an excuse for lashing out or mistreating self or others. You can say what you mean, but you don’t have to say it mean.

Fueling anger triggers the amygdala and kicks you into “danger” mode. Fueling anger can shut down logic and cloud judgment which leads to irrational and unreasonable thinking, which leads to regret and hurtful decisions. Anger is an acceptable emotion but fueling it is of no benefit to a brain that is already sounding false alarms.

Be aware when you’re experiencing anger. If you don’t pay attention to it, you’re building a fire. The anger is uncomfortable and you’re naturally going to worry about it or want to get rid of it.

Instead of channeling your energy towards avoiding or getting rid of anger, acknowledge it. Notice it. Recognize your urge to do a compulsion is an effort to alleviate anger.

It can be very overwhelming to confront your fears and defy OCD. This feeling of being overwhelmed is likely to lead to an “I can’t do it” mentality. Your #1 challenge is to overcome this belief.

I was so happy this morning to take a long walk and find a beach before the start of the OCD conference. I think I’d walk on fire to get to a body of water.

Breathing in dirt and whatever else

That’s sort of what I had to do this morning to get to the beach. I walked by a lot of noisy dirty construction sites and very smelly dumpsters. It was a very unpleasant toxic walk.

I held my breath and walked fast. It was disgustingly unpleasant. What have I gotten myself into?

Finally I found the beach! There were dogs frolicking in the water. Everyone had a smile.

It was a little piece of heaven.

And then the wasps came. I’m terrified of insects, especially ones with stingers. I sound like I’m singing opera whenever a bee comes near me. When the wasp landed on my backpack, I started singing. The couple next to me laughed. I thought, “I gotta get outta here!”

I asked myself, “Tammy, you worked so hard to get here. Are you going to focus on what’s unpleasant (what feels even dangerous) or soak in the sun and gaze lovingly at these happy dogs smiling ear-to-ear?”

I thought about returning to the hotel just to feel safer (just a little safer since I have a bed bug phobia) or did I want to sit in the sand and breathe in all that is warm and good?

I focused on the moment. Right here, right now I’m pretty okay. I breathed deep and smiled at the scraggiest wet dog I’ve ever seen.

So smelly

Then it occurred to me what I was going to have to do to get back to the hotel. OMG. Could I do it? Could I walk through Toxic Lane again?

Suddenly I was bathed in kisses by a very wet white poodle. He slathered my face in sloppy kisses. In this moment, right here, right now, I’m pretty okay.

There’s a Bible verse, Matthew 7:7, “Seek and ye shall find.” What you look for you’ll find. So I focused my energy on what I want and why I want it. I didn’t focus on what I had to do to get it.

I want to enjoy this moment. I need this for my soul. If I focus on what I have to do to get it, I’m bound to say, “I can’t do it.” I can’t stay at a hotel where there might be bed bugs. I can’t walk on a smelly gross toxic street. I can’t be on a beach where there are wasps.

“I can’t do it” isn’t true. It’s nothing more than a limiting belief. Can I say with 100% certainty that I can’t do it? If not, what then is possible?

As I sat on the beach a woman and her son spoke to me. She said, “This is so beautiful.” She told me she had MS (Multiple Sclerosis) and had just walked all the way from a far and

Son helping Mom

distant street. Her gait was significantly impaired. She leaned on her son as he led her to the shore. Now that’s a woman without a limiting belief.

The belief you subscribe to is the life you live.

Focus your energy on what you want, and why you want it. Don’t focus on the path you’re going to have to take to get it. Put one foot in front of the other and get what you want.

Believe you can and this is the life you will live. If you say, “This is hard. Unpleasant. But I can do it. I know what I want. I know why I want it. I’m doing it.” This is the life you’ll live.

After you’ve been tricked by OCD have you ever said, “I forgot to use my tools. I forgot I even had tools!” Well, never forget again! Here’s an amazing “To DO List” to help you remember what to do!

√Be Super Better Every DayWhen you wake up in the morning, do you have a plan? Make sure you set a daily goal to DEFY OCD. Everyday is April Fool’s Day with OCD. You must be prepared for the tricks! You can’t afford to drift. As soon as your feet hit the floor know what you’ll do today to defy OCD.

√Don’t Have to Feel Determined to Be DeterminedIt’s hard work to get better every day. How will you muster all your effort? Put one foot in front of the other whether you want to or not. Get mad at OCD if you have to. Enough is enough!!! Be strong, motivated and optimistic even when facing obstacles. Stick to the plan no matter what! The quality of your life is only as good as your stick-to-it-ive-ness.

√Keep ScoreHow are you doing with Exposures? Are you resisting compulsions? Keep track of your progress. Are you building momentum and taking on harder challenges each day? Who’s getting the most points: You or OCD? Tally up the score at the end of the day. You don’t have to win every battle but you do have to win the day.

√Positivity & GratitudeAre you doing a good job of managing your emotions from negative to positive? In the face of adversity, ask “What does this make possible?” This means focusing on blessings and appreciating others. Gratitude is the great sanitizer!

√Fuel and FitnessAre you making your brain a lean mean fighting machine through exercise, rest and healthy eating? Are you pushing yourself but making sure you properly recharge? Sleeping too much is too much recovery. Always seek a balance between chaos and rigidity when it comes to eating, sleeping and exercising.

√Focus is a ChoiceWhat are you paying attention to? Are you laser focused on what you’re fighting for or what you’re afraid of? Are you exercising your focus muscles with meditation or mindfulness exercises? Have you tried juggling, playing an instrument or coloring?

√Are you driven by your values? What are you fighting for? How do you remind yourself of why you’re working so hard to defy OCD. Have you made a collage or written a script that reflects your hopes and dreams? Are you going to let OCD rob you of “first times?” What’s more important—family or OCD? What is it that you value and let those values drive your behavior.

√YieldDo you accept the anxiety and agree the goal is to tolerate anxiety not get rid of it? When you’re triggered and getting anxious do you say, “Good. There’s my anxiety. I want this so I can practice tolerating it.” -OR- When you get triggered do you start analyzing the content until you’re blue in the face? Let go or be dragged.

√Put OCD in the Corner!Don’t have a back-n-forth conversation with OCD. Don’t answer one more question. As soon as you ask “WHY” or “WHAT” STOP!!! You’re about to go down the rabbit hole. “What if…” “What does this thought mean?” “What if I’m a bad person?” “Why does this feel like…” IT’S OCD! Don’t converse with it! The first question you answer will lead to months of never-ending questions. You’ll get stuck in the hamster wheel. Say, “It’s not up for discussion!” “End of discussion OCD!” “You’re in the corner. I see you but I’m not discussing this with you!”

√Here and NowThere are three doors: Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow. Which door does your thought belong behind? Rewinding and replaying memories belong in yesterday’s door. Whatever happened has already happened. There’s nothing to do about it today. If it’s a worry about what could happen, it hasn’t happened yet so it goes behind tomorrow’s door. When tomorrow comes, ask again what door does that worry go behind. The only thought that needs your attention is a thought that requires action in the next 30-60 minutes. Action meaning tasks to be completed. Tasks that are constructive and healthy.

√Stop Wishing and Cancel the Pity Party“It’s not fair. Why me?” “Nobody understands.” “I’m different.” “I wish I didn’t have OCD.” “I just wish I could be normal—like everybody else.” The more you wish the more you suffer.

√Stay connectedThe smaller your world becomes the bigger OCD gets. Don’t isolate. Don’t call in sick. Don’t cancel plans with friends. Keep on keeping on. Create plenty of space between you and OCD. Alone in your home is very close quarters for you and OCD. Take OCD out into the world with you—invite it to join you! But, be in the world.

Don’t give up your power ever again. Use this “To DO List” on a daily basis to be proactive and stay one step ahead of OCD. It truly is possible to outwit, outsmart and outplay OCD. Stay alert and use this “To DO List!”

Defying OCD takes focus. You have to be focused on your needs, skills and wants. One without the other is of no value.

Need: What you have to doSkill: What you can doWant: What you desire to do—based on purpose, and all your hopes and dreams

Need Without WantI’m thinking of a young woman who has a contamination fear. There is very, very little that she can touch or use in her home. Her OCD has convinced her that if she touches anything inside the house she will contract an unpleasant, long-lasting virus. She is particularly aversive to anything her sister touches and maintains a 3 foot distance from her at all times.

Yet, she uses the same toilet her sister uses. She allows her skin to come in to contact with the same surface her sister’s skin touches. When asked how she manages this she answers, “Well, I don’t have a choice. I need to be able to use a toilet. But, I don’t have to use anything else in the house.”

This woman is focused only on meeting a basic need. It‘s a good example of how you can only get so far by doing what you needor have to do. If you’re not focused on your wants then your actions are based on needs not wants. Doing only what you need to do is not going to take you very far.

Skill Without WantA lot of times when a person with OCD is stuck they’ll be reminded to use their skills. They’ve spent time in therapy and know how to defy OCD. But, they stopped paying attention, went on automatic pilot and got tricked by OCD. They’ve regressed and are neglecting important needs. A worried, but frustrated loved one says, “C’mon, Boss it Back! Use your skills!” And the person who’s stuck responds, “I don’t care about my skills. Nothing works. I don’t want to fight this fight anymore. OCD is too strong.”

Want Without SkillIt’s not enough to have the desire to Boss it Back. Just the other day a woman said to me, “I want to Boss it Back. I really want to. I don’t want to live like this. I want to be free. I want all my hopes and dreams to come true. I want it so bad. But, I just can’t do Exposure Therapy. I can’t do it. I want to do it. But, it’s too scary to even think about.”

Wanting, Needing and Having the Skills will take you all the way. All three work in harmony and need your attention. One without the other isn’t enough.

This is day 27 of a 30 day challenge. It’s important to focus on all three areas: Want, Need and Skill. Conduct an assessment of where you stand in all three areas. Does one area need more of your attention? Are you focusing on all three areas?

We all get weird thoughts. How we react to those thoughts is pure choice. If you’re not paying attention to the fact that you have a choice, and just operate on automatic pilot, then you’re likely to get stuck in a loop. Watch this video for a warm and humorous explanation of how to manage mental habits and prevent getting stuck in a loop: (I had trouble embedding this video so click on the link above or “show all content”.)

Key points:

Thoughts cause habits. Some of these habits are mental acts. Mental habits appear invisible. But they aren’t! When there is a thought there is a choice of how to react. If we don’t notice the choice we will automatically react as we have before. It’s human instinct to repeat, repeat, repeat. Pay close attention to the choice!

Our reaction to a thought will either reinforce the same thoughts or reduce them. If we don’t want to perpetuate a thought then we have to do something different to break the habitual response.

Notice an unwanted, intrusive thought. Recognize there is a choice on how to react. Don’t use the same old response you’ve been using that keeps you stuck. Your reaction must be different.

One time I helped a married couple who were arguing all the time. During their sessions all they would do is yell at each other. I couldn’t get a word in. Finally one day as soon as they came into the office I had them lie down on the floor with heads touching. They never raised their voice once. The pattern was broken by doing something different.

A lot of times people will stay away from something that brings them joy because they don’t want to associate something bad with something good. What they end up with is everything bad and nothing good. This is a great example of doing the same thing over and over and getting the same outcome. Be courageous and break the pattern of keeping everything that is good locked up. Let the goodness touch the bad. Do something different.

It sounds simple and too easy for such a tough problem. It’s hard for a while but stick with it and there’s a payoff.

This is day 23 of a 30 day challenge. If there’s something you love to do, but you’re not doing it because you’re afraid a bad thought will pop up. Break this pattern. Take the good with the bad. Don’t let your world get so small.