Tag Archives: Gay

Saw the play Fun Home over the weekend during a getaway in L.A. to celebrate a friend’s 50th birthday. I’m often touched in the theatre, but I rarely cry in the theatre.

I cried on Saturday night. Twice.

As the first Broadway musical with a lesbian protagonist, Fun Home balances humor and tragedy to create an emotional roller-coaster of introspection that left me pondering for days.

First, the little boy inside me cried at the acknowledgement that like Alyson, the protagonist, he saw himself in other gay men at a very young age and knew he was like them. I cried that that little boy felt fear rather than wonder and joy. The song, “Ring of Keys” as performed at the 2015 Tony awards is a beautiful rendition of this pivotal moment for gay youth.

My second moment came near the end when Alyson’s Mom reveals the true extent of her pain in her marriage to Alyson’s Dad, Bruce. He is a closeted gay man who has created a life of deception and untruth for those around him. The song “Days and Days” provides a window into the wife’s pain and hopelessness. I cried both in empathy for my ex-wife and in gratitude that I stopped it before it got this bad. I came out and we divorced in time for both of us to have a life.

I’m so happy that I have renewed my season tickets for the traveling Broadway shows in my area to see this touching play again.

(I can’t emphasize enough how much I love this post in response to the recent “gay relationships are counterfeit” controversy)

The conversation has to continue as long as the wrong people keep bringing it up (April 2017, Ensign pg. 33).

The further I get from my experience in a mixed-orientation marriage, the more acute my understanding of how my experience, as the straight spouse, is/was marginalized. Don’t get me wrong! I’m the biggest cheerleader for the gay spouse, feeling trapped and unable to live authentically. I’m the one banging on the other side of the closet door, begging, “Sweetheart, come on. Stop doing this to yourself. It’s 2017 and despondency or depression or suicide is so unnecessary for THIS.”

But there’s also the experiences of the men and women who are/were the straight spouse, like Ashley 1.0. We aren’t living authentically either. And our suffering and scars aren’t seeming too important. You may have read about how I super duper wanted to drive my mini-van off of Cedar mountain.

And if you’re just joining this conversation: No. It is not just about sex. And regardless, sex is important and crucial. But THE THING that it’s about for us (straight spouse) and them (gay spouse) is the Intimacy. Lemme know if you don’t understand the difference between sex and intimacy, and I’ll write another post just for you. I’ll even address it to you… “Dear Person Who Maybe Has Never Been Loved~”

I have some very visceral commentary on this, hopefully, I can be articulate and, as always, my intent is to be affecting.

I’m getting ahead of myself (the visceral). Article by General Authority:

First off~

The title of the article is The War Goes On. Nothing subtle about that.

War.

Goddamn Fucking Serious.

Death.
Blood.
Mourning.
Pain.
Fighting.
Good vs Evil.

You know, war.

And then, but of course, this dude- the General Authority- starts talking about Satan right off the bat, cuz ultimate bad guy. And he’s gotta bring up returning to Heavenly Father clean, which Satan makes so difficult! And ya know, none of us are clean, none of us are sinless, as is pummeled into the heads of members of the church. So by paragraph 3, dude is slathering on the guilt.

And in case you forgot, that meant Jesus made that sacrifice dying for our sins, because we’re all pieces of shit.

(I’m walking you through the beginning of the article to prep you. It’s all build-up, people.)

Then our dude goes into the ways Satan operates.

We get to point number 2, and the gospel of love can go fuck itself.

“Remember, counterfeits are not the same as opposites. The opposite of white is black, but a counterfeit for white might be off-white or gray. Counterfeits bear a resemblance to the real thing in order to deceive unsuspecting people. They are a twisted version of something good, and just like counterfeit money, they are worthless. Let me illustrate. One of Satan’s counterfeits for faith is superstition. His counterfeit for love is lust. He counterfeits the priesthood by introducing priestcraft, and he imitates God’s miracles by means of sorcery. Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, but same-sex marriage is only a counterfeit. It brings neither posterity nor exaltation. Although his imitations deceive many people, they are not the real thing. They cannot bring lasting happiness. God warned us about counterfeits in the Doctrine and Covenants. He said, “That which doth not edify is not of God, and is darkness” (D&C 50:23).”

We already knew this, right? That this church felt this way…? Or are you allowing yourself to be duped by happy stories of acceptance of a LGBTQ kid by a member of the church?

Okay, so if you haven’t buckled yourself in yet, secured any loose items, and put your arms and legs inside the ride, you should now.

I’m gonna talk about the despair and anguish of the straight spouse… in no uncertain terms, like a big ol’ gay dick smacking you across the face.

Gay men and women, who marry the opposite sex for religion, do it because they are scared to death of the above rhetoric being their reality.

Darkness.
Grayness.
Imitation.
Being unhappy.
Worthless.
Counterfeit.

These vulnerable, naïve homosexuals (no shame, just truth) who adhere to the dogma think that entering into a marriage with opposite sex will save them from these awful things.

But the straight spouse is even more unsuspecting that these things would ever be in their purview.

Nor does the straight spouse understand that their own sexuality will be shoved into a closet.

Usually, the SS does that of their own accord to…(ready for this?)…survive. There was no way I could face what I was missing: being wanted, cherished for (in my case) my femineness which encompasses my body, soul, and mind, and the all important intimacy- the lack of being caressed, the void of hearing the soft spoken voice of someone who melts at the sight of you, the absence of a core connection that is discernible through mere eye contact and devours your heart.

Look, I’m not really talking about marriage. I’m talking about connection and romantic love. I know that same-orientation marriages and relationships can suck ass and end a lot of the time. But these same-orientation relationships not only have a probability to feel those indescribably amazing things, but they usually start there.

So to address the malarkey of the referenced article-

Darkness… Gray… All the time. Everyday. And I was living the ‘gospel’. I got up in front of my congregation and bore some phat testimony. That shit was legit.

So… tell me. Why the gray?

Was my marriage edifying? My friendship with g’ex was, yes. But the marriage? Naw. Trudging through knee-deep bog with no end in sight is not edifying. It breaks you.

The ‘lasting happiness’ part of the article? Fuck me… The ‘lasting’ sentiment would imply that there was a solid ground (firm foundation, as it were) to begin with.

The worthless part. Oh my god. This one makes my head spin.

You Mormons out there… Hey, y’all realize that this General Authority dude is saying that LOVE is worthless, yeah? You getting this? GA’s subtext: LOVE IS WORTHLESS IF NO JESUS AND BIOLOGICAL BABIES.

Obviously, my mind goes to the bona fide, irrefutable love that two properly matched humans can experience. But, hey, you know what else couldn’t be further from worthless? Being desired.

I’ve had one nighters… (reminder to keep arms and legs inside the ride… also, hi, mom). I’ve been more desired by a man that I cannot remember the name of than in my 13 years of marriage with a man that I had children with, moved from state to state and out of the country with. A former straight spouse I met a few years ago told me the first time she had sex with a straight man, she wept. But… worthless experience.

And lastly, let me bring you all around to the best, sweetest, juiciest part of the article- the counterfeit argument: marriage or love is counterfeit if not within the parameters of the ‘gospel’. If I was giving a Ted Talk, this is where I’d pause, lower my head with furrowed brow, and walk to the other side of the stage pensively before looking back up at you and saying:

My marriage was counterfeit.

My Mormon, temple union to a man who yearned for an intimate connection with another man was 100% counterfeit.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to live in a counterfeit way?

If you do, I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. I deteriorated. Breathing hurt. Sometimes smiling made me feel nauseous. I was betraying my Self. I was not an example to anyone of how to live. My Jesus-approved marriage was toxic to me, my kids, and their dad.

And I absolutely was suicidal at a point.

Us heterosexual spouses in mixed-orientation marriages play a role of our own. Our humanity is disparaged, trivialized as we are mere vehicles to the Celestial Kingdom. And fuck that.

In just two years there have been some excellent additions, and there are some I missed that I want to highlight here. I don’t have cable, so all these can be seen on streaming services (Amazon Video, Netflix, or Hulu). These are not all necessarily all centered on a gay theme. Some of them just have major characters who are gay while the plot revolves around something else entirely.

“When We Rise” chronicles the real-life personal and political struggles, set-backs and triumphs of a diverse family of LGBT men and women, who helped pioneer one of the last legs of the U.S. Civil Rights movement from its turbulent infancy in the 20th century to the once unfathomable successes of today.

This should be required viewing for anyone coming out or anyone who has a loved one coming out. There are a lot of pioneers who paved the way to make it easier for us today.

In this USA Network TV series, two innocent teenage boys secretly meet up in the forest and witness a triple homicide. They barely escape with their lives. Desperate to keep their relationship a secret and in fear of being found by the perpetrator, they remain silent, but soon learn that what has been seen cannot be unseen and when you witness a horrible event it changes everything, forever.

Unfortunately, Eyewitness wasn’t renewed and there’s only 1 season. It has so many plot twists and unconventional characters that I found it riveting. The two main characters are gay and that is a major factor in the plot development, but it doesn’t belabor their homosexuality. This show would be in one of my top TV shows of the decade easily.

The Falls (part 1) is a feature film about two missionaries that fall in love while on their mission. I found this trilogy far more true to Mormonism and my gay experience than any other full length feature on the topic. It’s really well done and with a production value that you don’t always get in gay-themed movies

In part II, Chris and RJ reunite five years after coming out to their families and their church as gay men, where the factors that led to their separation are revealed as they mourn the death of their mutual friend Rodney.

The third and final installment of the hit Falls trilogy! Chris and RJ, former Mormon missionaries who fell in love seven years ago, are struggling to make their relationship work amid conflicts with their families and their faith. Determined to finally find closure and put the past behind them, the two men set in motion a quest for unconditional love that ultimately leads to the very top of the LDS leadership.

This film uncovers the fascinating universe of one of the first gay liberation communities in the world, place in Zurich Switzerland in the 1930’s. The film, based on true events, depicts a decades-long love story — made taboo by society — and reveals the couple’s inspiring self-knowledge and courage.

Passions and politics make a volatile mix in this dynamic drama directed by Roland Emmerich that follows the events that led to the birth of the modern Gay Rights movement. When We Rise is better, but this is a worthy attempt.

Tim and John fell in love at their all boys high-school while both were teenagers. John was captain of the football team. Tim an aspiring actor playing the lead in Romeo and Juliet. Their romance endured for 15 years to laugh in the face of everything life threw at it – the separations, the discriminations, the temptations, the jealousies and the losses – until the only problem that love can’t solve, tried to destroy them.

From the co-creator of Friends, Netflix original comedy GRACE AND FRANKIE stars Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin as two women who form an unlikely bond after their husbands reveal they are gay and leave them for each other. I personally don’t like this show I’ve only seen about 5 episodes. I love all the actors, but I either find it too close to home to be funny or too far from reality to be taken seriously. The bottom line is that I don’t find it funny in spite of the fact that it seems to be very popular.

A traditional Irish Catholic family’s world is turned upside down in this offbeat comedy when the oldest son reveals he’s anorexic, the younger son comes out, their daughter starts questioning her faith, and the parents announce a potential divorce. It is loosely based on the life of Dan Savage, the gay sex/relationship podcaster who started the whole It Gets Better Project. There are 2 seasons so far and I find it far more whimsical and even true to life than Grace and Frankie.

Bruno, an architect, has a nice family and a good job. But he’s also plagued by a deep sense of unease, so he decides to leave his wife to be alone and find himself. Relocating to Santiago, Chile, Bruno starts working with a young local history teacher named Fer. When an unexpected and intense romance sparks between them, Bruno must decide where his life will go from here. I like this because one of the characters is married and I’m also a sucker for the fresh perspectives of a foreign film.

Passions re-ignite and secrets revealed when a graphic designer reconnects with the great, lost love of his life for a weekend tryst at a house in the desert near Joshua Tree. From acclaimed director Tim Kirkman (Loggerheads). This one is a little too art-filmy for me the whole way through, but it you have some time on your hands, why not?

Miklós is coming to terms with his own sexuality, and when his best friend Dan reveals that he has a new girlfriend, this puts an end to their plans to run away together. Torn between loyalty to his migrant family and his own desires, and his world is rocked by the death of his brother. Teenage Kicks with themes of guilt, friendship, cultural and familial loyalty, and burgeoning sexuality.

Over seven decades, actor and activist George Takei boldly journeyed from a WWII internment camp, to the helm of the starship Enterprise, to the daily news feeds of five million Facebook fans. Join George and his husband Brad on this star’s playful and profound trek for life, liberty, and love.

Academy Award-nominated filmmaker Kirby Dick (“This Film Is Not Yet Rated”) delivers a searing indictment of the hypocrisy of closeted politicians who actively campaign against the LGBT community they covertly belong to. “Outrage” boldly reveals the hidden lives of some of our nation’s most powerful policymakers, details the harm they’ve inflicted on millions of Americans, and examines the media’s complicity in keeping their secrets.

The Emmy Award and Golden Globe-winning series TRANSPARENT returns for a third season. The Pfefferman family splinters into disparate journeys on their continued path of self-discovery. After a jarring reality check, Maura seeks to become the woman she envisions through gender confirmation surgery. All paths converge on a family cruise to Mexico, affirming that though their family history is murky, each Pfefferman is their truest self when they come together.

(Spanish) Matias and Jeronimo were childhood friends. Before high school, the friendship turns to desire. Until Matias moves to Brazil. Years later, Matias returns with his girlfriend, unexpectedly meets Jeronimo, and feelings reawaken.

One moment links 8 minds in disparate parts of the world, putting 8 strangers in each other’s lives, each other’s secrets, and in terrible danger. A couple of gay characters and bisexual situations are secondary to the plot, but the icing on the cake in this binge-worthy series.

A Spanish production where Philosophy teacher Merlí’s disregard for rules riles director Toni but enchants his students, who struggle with family, identity, romance and fear. Merli’s son is gay and this subplot carries throughout season 1.

Although 28-year-old Louis XIV is the sole ruler of France, the nobles remain a thorn in his side, prompting him to move the court from Paris to Versailles and begin building the palace that will become his home — and their cage. The king’s brother maintains a gay lover.

When small-town auto mechanic Adam announces to his best buddies that he’s gay, they’re stunned and bewildered at first. But after the shock wears off, they learn everything they can about being gay and set out to help Adam find a beau. It’s cute and something you could watch with a straight friend.

A struggling comedy writer, fresh from breaking up with his boyfriend, moves to Sacramento to help his sick mother. Living with his conservative father and younger sisters, David feels like a stranger in his childhood home. As his mother worsens, he tries to convince everyone (including himself) he’s “doing okay.”

How is life different for today’s young gay Mormons than it was for me 40 years ago?

Today’s LDS Church is not the LDS Church I grew up in. Today’s gay-aware world is certainly not the myopic straight world I grew up in.

In my growing up years, a Mormon did everything possible to distinguish himself from any other form of Christian. After all, Catholic and Protestant Churches were all apostate! Today, the church desperately wants to be thought of as a branch of the very Christianity they used to condescendingly disregard. It’s no wonder that those of us from those days who have left it end up atheists or at least unaffiliated without any specific religion.

As a young man grappling with homosexuality there was no such thing as an out gay Mormon. Gay wasn’t a noun. It was only considered an endurable, sinful verb. Today, there is a small but vocal segment of Mormon allies and even gay Mormons who accept homosexuality as an unchangeable state and yet find the capacity to struggle and contort themselves to stay LDS. I still can’t fathom operating the required mental and emotional gymnastics to accomplish that, but it is undeniably a thing now.

In the past, my LDS Mom and wife took on leadership roles without any real freedom or power to manage objectives and staffing. They were merely operation coordinators. Programs and processes were directives from the males above and local decisions required male approval thus effectively rendering their own decisions mute. I haven’t heard of any substantive changes in this regard but

As a teen, I’d never seen a homosexual portrayed on TV or in the movies. I’d heard that the 70’s sitcom Soap had a gay character, but we weren’t allowed to watch that show. Homosexuality was never discussed in my home or in church. In fact, I didn’t even know what the words “gay” or “homosexual” actually referred to until I was in the 5th or 6th grade. When I did learn what it meant, I suddenly had a name for how I felt and it still felt very “bad”, very foreign and very unfathomable. I just shamefully sensed that I was all that, and that my safety and the cure lied in the church.

These women are everything I dreamed my mother would have been. My own mother died before I came out. But had I any idea there were LDS women like Mama Dragons out there when I was a teen, I think I would have felt safe enough to come out earlier and thus prevent a whole slew of pain that later revealed itself on loved ones such as my ex-wife and kids. If you are one of our gay youth or the parent of one, talk to a Mama Dragon (You can e-mail them here: mamadragonstoryproject@gmail.com). I’ve met a couple of them in person and even as a 50 year old man, my soul is refreshed and I feel love from those women. These are people with a moral compass that elevates everyone they interact with. This is what love is.

There was a movement a few years ago called, “It Gets Better”. I’m here to testify that is IS better. It’s better today even while religious leaders still cling tight to archaic bronze age opinions. The world, American society and some in the LDS fringe community are better today than they were 40 years ago..

Me: Probably because his religion taught him to disrespect and be disgusted by gay people.

Daughter: So he’s Mormon?

(crickets…pick my jaw up from floor)

Me: …No, but many gays have died because of what Mormons teach about gays. This appears to be a Muslim terrorist.

To provide some context for that conversation, I don’t talk much about Mormonism with my kids, much less how it treats gays. Last November was the first and last time I remember having any type of discussion about it. This dialogue above was entirely unsolicited. It was a window into the experience of a teenage girl who has her own mind and her own observation skills.

She attends church and all the accompanying activities with her mother. With me she does not. How the two worlds intersect is her own interpretation.

But, if any of you doubt that I was speaking accurately in my response to her, here are a few facts… Mama Dragons, a group of Mormon mothers have documented 30+ suicides directly related to Mormons changing their policy towards gays since Nov. 2015.

The most well known murder of a young gay man, Matthew Shepard was committed by a pair of fellows, one of which was Mormon.

And with regards to terrorism, the worse terrorist attack on American soil before 9/11/2001 was committed by a band of Mormons in Southern Utah in 1857… also on September 11 ironically. 100-140 non Mormons were slaughtered at Mountain Meadows by Mormons who blamed it on the local Indians.

I’m not trying to say Mormons are somehow involved in this tragedy or that today’s Mormon is capable of the type of violence we saw in Orlando. But if a 12 year old Mormon girl can see the connection, surely we can agree that the environment fostered in Mormonism today towards gays is the beginning of something that festers into Orlando.

The fact that recent revelations show that the killer had been frequenting that bar and using gay dating apps convinces me even more that “horrifying violence starts as embers”

There have been various responses to the Orlando tragedy in blogs and on Facebook. Some of them discuss ISIS, Islam, gun legislation or lack thereof, love for others or lack thereof. Some seem to argue that we should forget all those details and that there’s just one lesson to be learned…Love.

Love.

I agree with that sentiment but I don’t think it occurs at the expense of dismissing all the facts in a tragedy like this. We need to know if it was a closeted, repressed gay man, who had been recruited by religious Islamic fundamentalists, who then resolved to attack others with an assault rifle, others who represented what he most hated about himself. That’s a lot of assumptions in that run-on sentence there I know, but that’s the way it’s shaping up at this point in time. We need to know all that because while you may not have been the shooter you may

I actually had someone I grew up with say that he’d “never heard a lesson in a Mormon church, taught about gays.”

If you are a current Mormon claiming to have never heard a lesson taught about gays you either need to wake up in meetings, you are completely clueless, or you are a liar. Just a simple Google search on homosexuality and Boyd K Packer, Spencer W Kimball, Prop 8 or Mormons will do the trick. If you don’t think those things are Orlando in embryo then you are part of the problem.

The religious fanaticism witnessed last weekend occurs in all religions as an observant pre-teen can figure out all on her own.

What does make it better is the growth that comes from understanding the problem mixed with love. I’ve fortunately heard and read those type of comments too. Lt Gov. Cox of Utah gave a somber, repentant speech acknowledging that he hasn’t always shown kindness and acceptance and that that’s part of the problem. I respect that and forgive him.

One of my favorite poets WH Auden wrote, “We must love one another or die” and that is what we affirm tonight. The brave kids that call for help and the adults who answer that call with love.

The horrifying violence starts as embers. In the last 6 months alone there have been over 106 anti-LGBT bills introduced in state legislatures. 34 States in all. Local control bills, anti-trans bills and the absurdly titled Religious Freedom bills.

We must love one another.

That’s the lens, the only lens. Not Red State Blue State. Not Federal Government versus State Government. No saying well that’s North Carolina or that’s Mississippi. No resting on the glory of being legally married.

Just as we would cover a baby with a blanket, we need to wrap all our kids everywhere in a loving embrace.

And that means making our world kinder and safer for them to come out to and join in.

So as we all leave tonight, let’s pledge to continue the project of Trevor – to keep our kids safe. Let’s pledge to share in the responsibility to fight every heinous bill everywhere, and to demand in word and deed respect, civility and fairness from our elected officials.

My engagement with Mormonism ebbs and flows. Because of my kids, it’s in my life whether I like it or not. My life is a perpetual attempt at surfing the alternating waves of disgust, compassion, frustration, longing and peace towards my former faith. While I tend to write about the negative stuff here, those intermittent emotions of compassion, longing and peace towards Mormonism still come and go in my life.

I’ve recently hooked up with a wide array of local Facebook groups where the spectrum of Mormons/ExMormons and LGBTG Out/In intersect. Some groups feel like they are practically an arm of the LDS Church, like Affirmation, and others are blatantly thrilled to be free of it. In between there are groups like Mormon Stories where you’ll find active Mormons hanging out with apostates. There are Gay Mormon Fathers and Gay ex-Mormons, LDS LGBT Allies, etc (BTW, I can’t really tell the difference between North Star and Affirmation these days… North Star = live the gospel as taught by current leaders at all costs? Affirmation = live as one chooses but imagine that it’s the real gospel?)

I can feel at home at different spots along the spectrum on any given day. Some of these groups are closed or secret so I won’t be mentioning them by name (but if you are looking for a specific group more aligned with where you are along the spectrum, get in touch and I’ll recommend some places for you).

The one overarching feeling that lingers with me after these interactions is gratitude. I am so grateful that my religious studying, questioning and coming out played out the way it did because I believe it has made it emotionally easier on me than what I witness many others currently going through.

Rather than coming to terms with my homosexuality and then struggling to make my Mormon world fit that reality, I instead studied and reasoned my way through Mormonism to the point that I was able to confidently determine that the LDS version of the world was wrong about so many things that it couldn’t possibly be “true” in the sense that it claims to be. From there, it was an easy and confident conclusion to reach that they are likewise wrong about homosexuality and that I really AM GAY… and that that’s incompatible with LDS doctrine and culture. It is incompatible with an LDS life…unless you contort, squeeze, manipulate and deny.

While some Mormons recognize that homosexuality is not just a choice, a weakness or a temptation, many still feel it is a behavior to avoid (the Bednar fiasco). Early on in this journey I determined that I was more gay than I was LDS. I was born into both, but the gay was unchangeable, the LDS was not. In deciding my path, I had to ask one question:

If you had not been born Mormon but had encountered it as an adult knowing both what you know now and who you know now would you elect to join it?

I had many wonderful Mormon experiences in 40 years, but relishing those puts the cart before the horse in my mind. I never would have had them if I’d really had a fully informed choice.

I don’t even deny the special nature of those experiences but I know that I can’t trust Mormonism to frame the meaning in reality. They were real experiences and yet I can now define them as mine, rather than ones owned by the Mormon leadership or Heavenly Father. It’s frustrating to watch others feel compelled to stay in Mormonism because of these experiences the church has co-opted from them.

In these various online groups I participate in, I witness tortured folks who stay LDS because they “can’t deny spiritual witnesses” but feel that they would rather deny a lot of other more salient truths about themselves and their futures. They fear excommunication even though they’re clearly outside the jagged lines of Priesthood authority. They still speak about prophets and divine scriptures even though they deny or ignore when those holy scepters condemn them. They are dependent on their Church membership for “service opportunities” even though they can’t really define what is actually serviced in their church callings…other than the church itself. They imagine themselves the impetus for engendering compassion in others without being willing to call themselves “tools.”

I’m grateful that I somehow avoided that tortuous route. I never walked the path of creating an imaginary religion that only exists in my head that I publicly call Mormonism but that I inwardly and privately contort and mold until it’s unrecognizable to almost anyone else. I’m grateful that I don’t currently feel the common compulsion to frame my past and present using out-dated language and paradigms.

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Are you a straight ex-Mormon with a spouse or ex-spouse who still wants to baptize your kids?

Do you want to prevent it without looking like an asshole?

Well, now you can with my Insta-Gay service. I’ll be your gay boyfriend for a day!

You can choose from either of two plans:

Bed n Brunch or Airport Speed Date

With Bed n Brunch you’ll get the real thing and it’s your most authentic option.

We’ll start off with a long walk on the beach where we can get to know one another better. We’ll take off our shoes, giggle and splash each other in the shallow water only to come together in a passionate embrace and a long, deep kiss while the waves crash about us.

My real boyfriend, Ricky, will follow at a distance with a camera to capture the evidence. From there we’ll walk hand in hand to our beach side hotel room where I’ll do my best to make you question whether this is real for you or not.

I’m versatile so anything can happen. It’s up to you. We’ll wake up in the morning spooning (I’m the inside spoon). You’ll laugh because your downward arm will have fallen asleep. At which point we’ll finally get up and shower together. It will be bittersweet because this will be our first and last shower together.

Then, it’s on to brunch! We’ll sip mimosas and gaze knowingly into each other’s eyes.

Ricky will download all the evidence of our “relationship” and have it ready on a nice flash drive for you by the time our check arrives. We’ll part ways but keep each other as contacts in our phones. You know, *wink, wink* so you can text me pictures of your non-Mormon kids as they grow up without Primary and Mutual all thanks to me.

Airport Speed Date is for you out of towners who can’t spend a full weekend with me… or for those of you who just really are straight.

You’ll fly into town with just an hour layover at my local airport. So as to not creep you out too much, Ricky will stay at home. I’ll greet you at the gate with a firm handshake and we’ll go get a root beer together at the airport pub. Our waitress will take a picture with your phone of us kissing, toasting our “love.” Just once. Quick. No tongue. I promise.

I’ll bring baby wipes and mouthwash for you.

Afterwards, you’ll hop on the plane back home to your family and your straight, butch life. You can share that picture just with your bishop to get the mandatory exemption for your family.

All I want to do is serve my fellow man.

There’s a lawyer in the Ex-Mormon community that offers to process resignations from the Church for free.

What awesome selfless service!

I find it inspiring.

So, to do my part…I give you Insta-Gay. We’ll make it so convincing that the church won’t LET THEM be baptized!

Please send applications directly to me and include a face pic. Unlike the Mormon church, no request will be rejected here. Just be freshly showered and hygienic.

Feel free to share with your friends! I’m sure my calendar will be filling up fast. My time is limited, so act now!

I recall vividly the very first time it dawned on me that a Mormon Apostle could be and indeed WAS full of BS.

Let me take you back in time…

I believe it was April General Conference 1993. I was 28, unmarried, closeted, BYU grad, returned missionary, former MTC instructor and zone leader, working full time teaching English as a Second Language and taking graduate courses in Linguistics. I was active LDS and the Ward Executive Secretary in my single’s ward.

I wasn’t doubting.

In fact I’d never really doubted. Oh, I had a few things I’d tossed up on that testimony shelf where you put things that just don’t sit right, but I was all in. Certain things about LDS “culture” rubbed me the wrong way, but I was hardly skeptical by default. I was even one of those priesthood dorks who actually paid attention to the talks.

One particular talk by Dallin H Oaks called The Language of Prayer at first glance seemed pretty innocuous. He was just saying that the church teaches us to use honorary, respectful language in prayers. Pretty harmless, right? The message was OK. But if you know anything about linguistics the reasoning he articulated was absurd. He’s just plain and simply wrong about the language. His logic was completely circular and made no sense. If you’re curious, here is an analysis.

My point is that he was trying to sound like an expert about an area he clearly knew nothing about. He was as bizarre as Ben Carson talking about the Pyramids. If he was a mouthpiece for God, then God was a moron.

This mattered a great deal to me at the time. I tried to talk to my roommate about the problems in the talk, but that hit a brick wall. I waited for the next Sunday to see if anyone else would want to talk about the silly talk… all I got were crickets.

I walked away realizing that:

An LDS Apostle can be wrong in a fundamental way.

He’ll present himself as an expert anyway.

The majority of my fellow Mormons will obey and lap it up without a critical thought.

Mormons don’t care about the means as long they get to their predetermined conclusion.

They are wrong in a very fundamental way. I won’t be able to reach the analytical prowess on this topic that a gazillion other blogs will over the next few days, but I know that Mormon leaders are wrong and misguided and selfish…

They are presenting themselves as experts anyway

The majority of active Mormons will obey and lap it up without a critical thought.

Mormons don’t care about the means as long they get to their predetermined conclusion.

SOME people care

That last part really means something to me right now. I have been having a really difficult time lately finding places I fit in and finding a community. I don’t have a group of gay friends here like I did in Palm Springs. When I’ve attended Ex-Mormon events in town I’ve felt accepted, but never quite found friends.

But today I’m touched by the indignation and emotion expressed by straight folks, fellow ex-Mormons and the usual allies at the various social media sites I participate in. Thanks you to any of you reading this…

Just understand that that horror and disbelief you are expressing today encapsulates my general reaction to how the church taught me to think about myself for 40 years. Pretty sick, huh!

I have tons of questions:

My kids are already baptized. Will they have to disavow me at some point?

Would they?

Which child would?

I’m not married. Does that make the whole thing mute anyway?

Do I have to be married for my kids to qualify for the bigotry? I’m not a big enough threat as a single gay man alone? Way to kick me when I’m down!

Will my children be grandfathered in? I mean, will they be called in to disavow me?

My kids live with me 50% of the time. Can they get ex-communicated for that?

If so, how can I encourage that along?

Why couldn’t this have happened 10 years ago before my kids got baptized and when I WAS living with a guy?

Can I use this as evidence in court that my child’s participation in church is an act of alienating them from me?

Am I wrong in thinking that if I ever find out a child of mine “disavows” me after turning 18 that I will disavow any financial support?

There’s a whole lot more I could say. And as I’m typing this, there’s some mock interview being posted of one of the apostles defending the church’s divisive policy. They got the guy with a gay brother to be the point person on bigotry towards children of gays. NICE. I’ll watch it…

Here’s what I can tell you… the word “clarify” does not mean what they think it means. And…

That LDS Apostle is wrong in a fundamental way.

He presents himself as an expert anyway.

The majority of active Mormons will obey and lap it up without a critical thought.

Mormons don’t care about the means as long they get to their predetermined conclusion.

People care.

That last part is the only part that matters to me today. It’s the part that is going to make Mormons look like the short bus of religions in the not too distant future.

One last note on your way home tonight, Mormons! Don’t forget to turn your clocks back 50 years.

I thought this would be an appropriate re-blog from August 2012….Happy Father’s Day!

Setting aside all the obvious sexual compatibility reasons, there’s something about being the man in a hetero-normative relationship that just didn’t settle comfortably on me.

The default assumption is that a straight man is a messy thoughtless and fumbling creature without the guidance and care of a good woman by his side.

Even as a father, taking an interest in the nurturing and care of children is seen as a part-time task for a normal straight man. When I’d stay home to care for the kids it was referred to as “babysitting.”

Actually being an engaged father and enthusiastic caretaker of our home made me the odd man out in the straight world I was pretending to inhabit. But it was more than just the nuances of my expected fatherly and husbandly roles that sat awkwardly with me, it was also the nature of the expected relationship with my wife.

Husband X

When my wife is having insomnia and she is tired but really wants to go to sleep, I kid you not, she will ask me to talk to her about something that is interesting to me lately. Within 5 minutes she’s out. Its so funny to me.

Husband Y

My wife has described this phenomenon as a “Brandt Rant.” Then, when I start running out of steam and ask her a question, all I hear is “zzzzzzzzzzzz”

I think most people would read that and smile, thinking “how cute,” right? I read it and think what assholes their wives are (I apologize ahead of time to these 2 men and their wives. I’m sure they are all kind, loving people. At least I changed the names *smile*).

Just to understand my perspective a bit, let’s switch the roles around. Let’s say it’s Husband X that has insomnia and therefore he’s the one that says to his wife,

“Honey I’m having trouble sleeping. Tell me about something that interests you so that I can sleep.”

It’s not so funny that time is it? What woman wants to be married to that? I personally can’t understand why any man wants it either.

When he says it, he is a douche bag.

When she says it, she is a comedienne.

Men posing as women. Sometimes role reversal and equality just don’t work.

I used to think this was a Mormon phenomenon because I’d hear stuff like this all the time in Elder’s Quorum and around the campfire at father-son campouts. But you can find that same sort of, “Aw shucks! I’m a fool and my wife saves me” male all over in TV sitcoms.

Here’s another quote I found…

My wife simultaneously enjoyed the fruits of my non-traditional nature while she also held the same stereotypical expectations of me. I’m not joking about this next one… once when I was choosing a new vehicle for me to get to and from work she became incensed that I didn’t actually want a pickup truck…like any man in her family or in our neighborhood would (yeah, we’re talking borderline redneckville here). In the Mormon world having a pickup truck is a big broadcast message saying, “I’ll help you move!” If you’re in Elders Quorum you’ll already be assigned to do that plenty with a just a sedan. There’s no need to invite it! Getting an economical Honda Civic that merely got me to work and back somehow made me less of a man.

There’s some sort of gene that a male is supposed to possess that encourages him to broadcasts his manliness to the world via cars, trucks and a bumbling nature around his wife that merely escaped me. Someone should search for THAT. It just may be the gay gene.

Male comic characters in female comic character poses.

The odd difference between being a man/woman or father/mother is nowhere more evident than in the contrast between Mothers and Fathers Day in the Mormon Church.

For Mothers Day, there are talks about the divinity of womanhood. Women are to be honored just because they have a vagina and even more so if there’s been some outgoing traffic in there. LDS wards pass out flowers or candy to all of the women. At the end of Sacrament Meeting they ask all the women to stand and the youth or Elder’s Quorum distributes the goodies…and in wards that I lived in they made certain that even childless women got one. They made it a celebration of womanhood, not just motherhood.

If, and that’s a big “IF”, Fathers Day is mentioned at all, it’s a lesson on how men need to be better fathers, honor their priesthood more, etc… Their penises apparently aren’t sufficient apparatuses for praise all by themselves.

That happens the other 364 days of the year.

Everyone knows men have all the power in Mormonism. So they try to downplay manhood and highlight womanhood so no one will take a good long look at the reality. Women are told how wonderful they are so they won’t notice that they are actually disregarded and have second-rate status in the church. Every other day of the year is a celebration of manhood in Mormonism.

As a man, though, and a pretty good father if I do say so myself, I find the attitude condescending. Often in priesthood meeting they’ll say something insulting to the young men like, “Well, you’re certainly not as good-looking as the young women, but hey you’re priesthood holders so there’s your worth.” Or the MTC Mission President who says, “Elders, look at these sisters. They’ll get done in 18 months what will take you 2 years.” I couldn’t stand that as a young boy and it never sat well with me as an adult either.

Even while gay pretending to be straight I was still a man and therefore had more power and authority in the LDS Church than ANY woman in it, yet I still didn’t like being talked down to like that.

Is the subtext that straight men hold all the power in our society the sole reason that it’s funny to demean them in a way that would be unacceptable for any woman? Is that why as a gay man I don’t buy it and never did? Because I don’t actually enjoy the fruits of heterosexual male privilege that I would if I were straight?

One of the things I really like about gay relationships is the lack of stereotypical expectations. Both partners can actually be intelligent and capable without the other being threatened. There’s not an inherent acceptance of one partner being demeaned. From what I’ve experienced and observed there’s more of an expectation of equality and more freedom to define the relationship outside societal norms…since by it’s mere existence it already is.

Ideas for Family Home Evening

This joke would be perfectly fine if it said, “A Husband”

Watch a good old family sitcom together. As a fun exercise, try switching genders and repeating the joke. Would it still be funny?

What did you do for your mother last Mother’s Day? What did you do for your Father? Were they equal in effort and care? Why or why not?

Ignoring gender, would you want to be partnered with YOU?

What would you change about your current gender roles or relationship expectations if you could?

On January 11 at 10 p.m. ET/PT, TLC will premiere a one-hour special following some Mormons who say are living have an alternative to an alternative lifestyle. They are men who are happily married and attracted to their wives, but they are also attracted to other men. They refer to it as Same Sex Attraction… not gay.

If nothing else, please share with others how demoralizing and dismissive this is of those women.

Nobody with daughters wants this for their girls.

Try not to focus on how childish, idiotic and brainwashed (and adorable) the men appear, but focus on how the women are being duped and manipulated. Don’t get me wrong, nobody has forced them into the life they are leading. They have been “drugged” to believe this is their best option.

Religion is a drug. Like any drug, it will help you escape from reality. It will take away some of the perceived “sting” of existence. It will take the burdens of thought off your shoulders. It will make you feel like you can fly from the ledge, without wings… It will purport to solve life’s most serious problems. The ironic catch is that the very “sting” and the very “problems” religion can solve are merely fabricated “problems” created by the religion itself.

So, why do these men and women stay in relationships like this?

“People don’t want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.” Chuck Palahniuk (American freelance Journalist, Satirist and Novelist. b.1961)

As a father of 3 beautiful girls, I hope that all the little gay boys out there right now will feel enough acceptance and courage to come out before adulthood and to seek out other men rather than my daughters. THAT’s how we fix this problem. We make it safe and acceptable to be who you are.

If you are a gay Mormon married to a straight women, it’s not the gay part that’s the problem.