Today I have been poisoned by the hand of the very devil himself, and I can barely see straight or keep my head aloft on the glorified human flesh slim jim that is my neck. You’re basically getting one liners today because I have very very low editorial standards, and even lower standards for myself as a person. Who am I kidding, I have no standards. In either case. Whatever, get out of here.

When I worked at restaurants, the “specials” were almost always just new ways of putting together ingredients we already had. Take some dough, sauce, cheese and pepperoni, you’ve got a pizza! Fold it, take out the pepperoni and add peppers and onions and you’ve got a calzone! Take the dough away and add a sub roll and steak and you’ve got a Chicago style sandwich! Oh shit, don’t cook those peppers - juice them and add some vodka for a drink special at the bar!

Better yet, go to taco bell and look at the menu. Or just think about the menu, I know you were there last night drunk off your ass ordering chalupas, you big fat liar (is there even a taco bell near here? Asking for a friend). Anyway, if you look at the ingredients of a taco, burrito, nachos and whatever the fuck else they even sell there, all the ingredients are the same, they’re just rearranged differently each time. No, see, man, a seven layer burrito is DIFFERENT than a regular burrito because the beans go UNDER the guac and there’s no meat, man. Dig?

Sometimes I feel like that’s the deal with the local shows in Portland. There are a few small “scenes” wherein the musicians all know each other, and they just sort of all throw their names in a hat, close their eyes and pick at random and then put a show together from the results. For example, I give you:

North of Nashville is playing PHOME on Friday. Do they still live here? It seems they may live in - shocker - Nashville. Much like Sean Connery’s mysterious and handsome Captain Ramius in the hit film The Hunt for Red October, they’ve left their home either to defect… or to START A WAR.

Blue has jazz/funk ensemble Canned Bread, which I guess is a spongy edible food cylinder that is made locally at that bean factory over there, so I get it, I dated this one guy years ago who was like I love me some of that canned bread and I was like, what the fuck is canned bread, I mean he was from New England and I was not and I had never heard of such a thing. But since I have no history of being a lover of spongy edible food cylinders, I keep picturing this guy lying down in a halfway opened sardine can singing “Everything I own.” This is not that. This is something else.

Ok fuck me, fuck me, what else is there… Geno’s doesn’t have anything listed, so, you know, enter at your own risk as they say, or ask the always vociferous Jason at the door to tell you as you pass by. Dogfish has - SURPRISE! - Travis James Humphrey for happy hour and then jazz that night. Salvage has Great North and Bayside Bowl has Photosynthesis tonight for night one of TWO nights. I’d make some nerd joke musing about whether we’re just going to watch someone (something?) convert light into energy, BUT WE ALL KNOW PHOTOSYNTHESIS DOESN’T HAPPEN IN THE DARK. So… science.

Saturday, October 24

The Ghosts of Johnson City are releasing their latest record, Am I Born To Die? at PHOME tonight. I reviewed their record for Dispatch, go read it here if you haven’t yet. It’s been getting great reviews overall, and that’s because it’s a good fucking record. You fucking dummy. It’s also getting good reviews because Erik Neilsen is on top of his PR game, I gotta give you props there, Sir, on getting a brand new band so much exposure. Anywinkle, get your flasks out and mix up a batch of your favorite prozac and moonshine cocktails for this one, folks. JOKES I don’t condone sneaking alcohol into Ken Bell’s place, please don’t ever do that. This show was supposed to have Dark Hollow Bottling Company on the bill but now they’re playing at Salvage so what the fuck is up with that because that would have been a great fit on this show. So now it’s Welterweight and Dana Gross.

Flask has an interesting show I’d go to if I had the energy to dance, which I don’t because my regular delivery of virgin baby hearts got delayed at customs and my essence is waning… it’s waning… come closer… CLOSER! Ok so Flask has Crunk Witch and Caro Khan, who both fall into that bucket of grittier, heavier electronic music heavily influenced by hip hop, 8-bit videogame soundtracks and nu-metal from the 90’s, and is kind of evil and unsettling. It’s not sad though, so they’re probably not using D minor, the saddest of all the keys.

And then there’s the October Punk Rock Extravaganza at Geno’s - I really feel like they described it perfectly so I’m just going to transcribe for you here what they say:

As for the other stuff, Dogfish has an evening with LLUA and Bayside Bowl has night two of photosynthesis and Salvage has the aforementioned Dark Hollow Bottling Company.

Look, none of this really matters anyway because everyone is just sitting around waiting for Halloween. And fucking saddle up for that kiddos, because competition for your Halloween dollar is HOT and it is ON. I can't wait to tell you all about it next week.

OK lovers, this week's parting advice brought to you courtesy of the late, great Dr. Seuss:

A moose is asleep. He is dreaming of moose drinks. A goose is asleep. He is dreaming of goose drinks. That's well and good when a moose dreams of moose juice. And nothing goes wrong when a goose dreams of goose juice. But it isn't too good when a moose and a goose Start dreaming they're drinking the other one's juice. Moose juice, not goose juice, is juice for a moose. And goose juice, not moose juice, is juice for a goose. So, when goose gets a mouthful of juices of mooses And moose gets a mouthful of juices of gooses They always fall out of their beds screaming screams So, I'm warning you, now! Never drink in your dreams.