Back in January (an impossibly long time ago) I decided that I was done with everything being bullshit. I'd had enough. If I couldn't control anything but myself and my own actions, well, then, I was going to take 2011 by the balls and make it my bitch.

The Band Back Together Bringing Happy Back World Tour began. It's more than a "New Year's Resolution," because we all know those aren't particularly useful; no, the BB2G World Tour is all about working together, supporting each other as we make small, positive changes in our everyday lives. We're not vowing to lose 500 pounds in a month because, hi, that's a total set-up for failure. Nah, we're going make a conscious effort each month to try and do something a little differently; be better.

We're going to Beat The Happy out of 2011, dammit!

Each month, we pick an idea, a way we're going to focus on bringing OUR Happy Back. In small bite-sized chunks.

This month, to celebrate April and the release of more With The Band shirts (along with the Purple Should Be A Flavor Damnit shirts), we're going to choose a winner from ANYONE who submits a post to the site that focuses upon Bringing The Happy Back, April Edition. You can win one of my fine shirts, the proceeds of which will be going partially toward making Band Back Together a Non-Profit.

Posts must be submitted with the BB2G: Bringing Happy Back title or I'll never be able to find them (I'm not smart). (This is separate contest from the Glitter Flinging one.)

So, what's the theme this month?

Getting rid of something you don't need.

What you choose to get rid of can be anything: maybe a bin of old toys and clothes you no longer need. Or something emotional, like guilt. Or a friendship that's more draining than useful. There are so many things we carry around with us that we do not need. Let's get rid of some of that baggage and BRING THE HAPPY BACK.

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I've been focusing on purging the balls out of my house. It's been awhile since I really took a good look around and saw how much stuff I had - stuff I didn't need, and I decided it was time to dump it all; donate the lot of it to charity. I was never going to have a garage sale or eBay my stuff, so why pretend?

Organize my house = organize my life.

It's been good for me; cathartic even. Focusing on purging has helped me work through some of my feelings, too.

Specifically, those about my family.

I know I've touched a bit on what growing up was like for me. I'm the adult child of two alcoholics and my childhood was extremely lonely. I wanted to be loved, to make them proud. I wanted anything besides the horrible chasm of emptiness inside of me.

I learned to take care of myself. I was the only one who could make myself feel happy, content; like I was enough.

Through a lot of hard work, I decided to accept my parents as they were. Not forgive - but accept. I cannot carry a heart full of rage.

I'd held out hope, though, because we adult children of addicts are nothing if not loyal, that I'd be able to have a relationship with my only sibling. With an age gap between us so large, we hadn't had the same parents; the same experiences. But I wanted so badly to have a sibling.

Rather than see things as they were, I pretended that we had the relationship I'd wanted, just like I'd done in my childhood.

I chose to ignore many things. Things, that, looking back now, were never there to begin with.

Last week, on my personal blog, Mommy Wants Vodka, I pulled a post for the second time - ever.

Admitting and talking openly about growing up in an alcoholic home has been both extremely difficult and incredibly rewarding. I've been able to connect with those who really get it. People who make me feel like I'm not such a fucked-up person. But first, I have to admit my feelings.

The post I pulled was about the sudden death of someone in my family; someone who showed me kindness as a child and how I'd never forgotten it. To properly explain why that kindness mattered, I had to give a bare-bones back story. And I did, sticking to the facts, not pointing fingers or casting blame. The time for anger has long-since passed.

My much-older sibling called me out on The Facebook. He told me that I should put a warning label on my blog because it's mostly fiction; with this post, I'd gone too far. It was like being punched in the gut. I was ashamed, humiliated, and broken-hearted. I'd just been called a liar. I'm many things, but liar is not one of them. My experiences neatly invalidated by someone who hadn't even been there; someone who'd never taken my side. Someone I'd always defended, someone I always stuck up for, someone who I gave a real shit about.

Someone I'd still wanted a relationship with.

It took that comment to show me how things were; illuminating how he felt about me. The relationship I'd wanted was a pipe-dream.

It was over.

There's no going back, and frankly, I don't want to.

It's broken my heart. Even now, as I write this, the tears are close, but I know that it's time to move on. Time to get rid of a relationship that existed only in my head.

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Comments

mom2nji
says...

April 7, 2011, 4:44 p.m. 6521

The thing about growing up in an alcoholic home is everyone seems to have a different version of it. My siblings and I all agree and have pretty similar versions. MY parents? Do not. In a lot of ways I still live the lie, I keep a relationship with them and let them think their version is okay. I admire your balls in sharing the post and I am thrilled you are free of it. Much love to you darlin.

I'm so sorry your brother treated you that way.
One thing I learned from my ex (also an alcoholic) is that sometimes siblings see things so differently. He blames everything he is on his upbringing. His sister swears these things never happened.
I'm happy for you that you decided to let that relationship go. Sometimes that's all we can do.
xoxo

Wow. That's huge. I'm so sorry that's how things went.
Truthfully, that is one of my worst nightmares. I just want to say this: you ARE TOO brave, no matter what you say. And, watching you makes me think I could also be brave one day.

That's awesome! I believe that everything works out when you choose yourself. I might love someone in an unconditional way, but it doesn't mean that I need or want them in my life. I'm glad you choose Becky. I *love* her!

I have had to make that emotional break with a sibling myself. He is an addict, and it was just too hard to stay emotionally invested in him, to try and make him understand his skewed reality.
I don't regret it (although of course I regret the situation that led to it.) I have bad days - I let myself cry and carry on. It's the unexpected flashes that hurt the worst, though...the song on the radio that I remember him playing on his guitar, the kids in the street playing road hockey, like we used to...small things, always.
It gets easier, but it's never ever easy. My thoughts are with you.

We have so much in common! I grew up as a child of 2 alcoholics/addicts. I am the older one. I have a good relationship with one and I don't have a relationship with the other at all since their divorce. You already know what else we share in common. I have also cut ties with my much younger sibling for much the same reason as you have. She did not have the same experiences I did and we don't see things the same way AT ALL. We cannot communicate about the weather and I needed to shed the emotionally toxic from my life. You will be glad you did as much as it makes you raw sometimes. Much love. Crazydoesit

ARRRGGGGG I just want to cut a bitch. I hate that this is happening to you. I see you as someone who is doing so so much for others even in the midst of a chaotic life. You put yourself out there for the world and to have your own brother treat you this way. Well it breaks my heart.
Hugs Aunt Becky.

I understand your hurt. I don't understand why you took the post down. Your history is your story. When you have the courage to post the truth, don't let others tell you that it's fiction. My sister and I are 9 years apart--so obviously our experiences were very different, even if some of them overlapped.
I'm not admonishing you for taking the post down, as I support you and your choices. Just know that your truth is your truth.

You know, there are times when it is easy to move on and accept and there are times when it just feels like you're trying to wade through bricks. This is one of the hard ones, I wish you continued strength and peace as you clean your emotional clutter.

This too shall pass. I am very sorry you are hurting. He will realize one day that what he is done will come back to bite him! Held your head high you have nothing to be ashamed of. We are here for you. I lived with someone that was an alcoholic my last 2 years of school and i will never forget that. It was hard. Take care Aida

Oh Sweetie I wish I could give you a REAL giant hug!! This sounds so much like the relationship I have with my father. I am so sorry your brother hurt you so much. But I love you maybe that will help with things lol.

I've had a what I feel is a close relationship with both my dad and my cousin (the closest thing I have to a big brother). Sometimes my husband wonders outloud if it's just imaginary/all in my head because if they felt so close to me they wouldn't live so far away. Bullshit. They live where they live for other reasons, not because they don't love me. I recently reached out to my cousin because I was in pain and he did exactly what I needed: listened, supported and asked me questions that were hard to answer. I didn't end up taking his advice, but we still go back and forth on Facebook, yakking about this and that. Don't let anyone else tell you what you think or feel is not real. If *you* decide it, that's one thing. I guess I see my supportive cousin like the post you took down and my nay-saying hubby as your brother. So that makes this a sucky analogy. Damn. But I get you, I believe you, and I love you.

Everyday I read the weird, the profane, the real, the funny that comes out of you - all of it awesome and all of it makes me love you for laying it ALL out there. That is a rarity in alcoholic families, as I'm sure you know. And that is one big fucking mother of a gift to your kiddos cause you are pulverizing that whole cycle.
I am so sorry that you lost that relationship. The ones we create in our heads because we want them so badly are the most painful to lose. It's that whole loss of hope that just kills. It hurts for you that you have to go through it.
Lean on this band that you created because we got you.

AB, I can't pretend to know what it's like to be the child of alcoholics or to know what you endured. But I know all too well the universe of being not good enough for the people who are supposed to care most, and how different ages and perspectives divide siblings whom you'd hope would band together. It's a horrible hollowing feeling, and one I have to purge again and again, kinda like spring cleaning.
So kudos to you for this kick ass post, and fuck yeah I'll be purchasing a bb2g shirt this weekend to further your goal of making this site nonprofit.

Even when letting go is the right thing to do, it can totally blow monkey's balls. You must be feeling very hurt, and I'm so sorry about that. I send you love 'n' hugs, and I hope that the pain will ease and make way for peace.

Aunt Becky, I totally understand why you took down the post at mommywantsvodka, but I just wanted to tell you that I loved that post. It was so validating, seeing that someone else lived the same type of life as myself. Sometimes, I wondered if I was being melodramatic about it all, but that post made me realize just how shitty it was.
And so, thanks. For putting something up that your family may not like, and for making me realize I'm allowed be angry about my own past.

I read your post and it was beautifully written. I saw how you felt, not that you were trying to bash anyone. Just what your 8 year old self felt and thought.
Family who are supposed to be there for you sometimes are too selfish to see what you were trying to say. My aunt and cousin unfriended me on The Facebook because of my post about my grandma yesterday. I loved it and wouldn't change anything I said. She took 1 line and cussed me out for it. Obviously missing the whole point of the post. I said something about grandma's hair looking ridiculous, it did, well my cousin did her hair for her and that makes me an insensitive asshole. I contemplated asking you to remove it, but that would let them think they have some control over me. This is the cousin and aunt I have tried my whole life to be good enough for, I just wanted them to accept me. But they are too snobby and nasty and I don't need them in my life. My real family understood where my post was coming from, and agreed about grandmas hair *giggie*. I just wish I was as strong as you. I so badly wanted that friendship when I was a little girl, Ijust wanted to feel good enough.

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