Sunday, May 11, 2008

So in life sometimes there are moments when we just say, “God please just talk to me. Directly. Tell me why this happened. Tell me what you want me to do. Say something to give me some peace. I don’t want to read about it in the Bible. I don’t want to pray about it. I want YOU to TALK to ME.”

And sometimes He does just that.

One of my biggest fears or worries with Gabe’s death is that Gabe does not even know that I exist. My thought process on this is that if Heaven is perfect, and there are no tears or sadness there, how can Gabe know what’s going on with me? I am sad all the time, and I cry a lot. God would not let Gabe see all of that, because it would cause sadness in Gabe. I have been thinking about and praying a lot that God would let Gabe know how much I love and care about him… let him know that I miss him and think about him all the time. Please let him know who I am when I get to heaven and let me hold him in baby form, just one more time when I get there. Nobody here on earth knows what Heaven is really like, and I’ve been praying that God would show me Gabe in Heaven in a dream or something like that to give me some peace.

He chose a different way.

My mom was thinking a lot last week about what to get me for Mother’s Day. She wanted to have the perfect words for me that would comfort me and bring me peace. She thought about this a lot, but never really came up with anything she felt to be sufficient. On Friday night, Shaina (my little sister) wanted to go to a scrap-booking store. Mom took her to one store, but they were already closed. Shaina suggested a second store they could try. Mom said that they could go by there but was sure they would be closed too. They arrived at this second store, and it was open. Apparently, the second Friday of each month, the store stays open a couple hours longer.

Mom doesn’t like scrap-booking stores. She goes to them because Shaina likes them so much, but says she usually just walks around aimlessly, bored and killing time until Shaina finishes. So on Friday they went to this store that just happened to be open, and Shaina started looking around. Mom went to the aisle with the "how-to" books and started thinking about all of this with Gabe and me and Mother’s Day. There on the aisle, behind some unrelated books, in the wrong place, was a book… the only one of its kind, in a totally random spot, right in front of her face. The book is called, “Letters to Heaven.” Mom did not look at the index, but just opened the book to a random page. She opened it to pages 54-55.On these pages she read:

WHAT IF…

I was pondering todayThe words a tiny babe might sayIf they were taken from the earthVery close to their moment of birth.

What if they could look here belowAnd send us a love note to let us knowThat they were happy and contentAnd that their time was not misspent…

“Mommy and Daddy, just want you to knowI realize that you love me soAnd that you didn’t want me to leave,But please don’t cry and fret or grieve.

God meant no harm to you or meBut my problems he could seeAnd knew that in Jesus armsWas the best place for me to be.

An angel came and brought me hereAnd Mommy and Daddy, she saw your tears,And even though she did not speakWith her wing she brushed your cheek…

I live in a lovely mansion hereWith such a wonderful view –It has a rocking chair and crib,And there’s a special room for you!

I know that you won’t be hereFor a very long, long timeBut just wanted you to knowThat your room is next to mine!

I hope you enjoy your life on earthAnd don’t worry about me at allFor I have so many friendsAnd angels on whom I can call!

Sometimes we go outsideAnd the clouds are rolling byAnd I know that you are looking upAnd see them in the sky

When you look up on starry nightsAnd see them so bright and clearJust know that they are not nearly as lovelyAs they look from here!

I love it here and I’m so happyThat Jesus loves me soAnd He loves you just as much –Just wanted you to know!

Well, I must go back nowBut remember if you willThat I loved you while in your armsAnd I love you still!

Take care dear Mommy and DaddyAnd love your lives for meFor I know that our time togetherWas so much shorter thanYou thought it would be!

Do not rush your life to get hereFor I don’t mind the waitAnd my face will be the first you seeWhen you enter the Pearly Gates!

Mom then flipped back to page 46, where she saw this poem.

HOLDING GABRIEL’S HANDS

Just a few days agoWe could not understandThat this would not be a joyful dayOf holding our new baby’s hand.All of the preparationAnd joyous days of waitingFor Gabriel to join usWere supposed to end with celebrating.Our special little angelWas to be our pride and joyOur precious gift from HeavenOur darling little boy.But that was not to beAnd too quickly he was goneLifted up to HeavenTo hear the angels’ songs.We know where our darling isAnd we will get through this sorrow somehowFor as for our Gabriel’s tiny hands –Jesus holds them now.

That store being open only on the second Friday of each month, and Mom and Shaina going there not knowing this information was no coincidence. Mom finding this book was no coincidence. Opening the book to those pages was no coincidence. Turning to the poem about Gabriel was no coincidence. I had prayed for a message and some peace, and mom had prayed about finding the perfect words. God answered both of our prayers with a message straight from Heaven and straight from my sweet Gabe.

God still performs miracles. God is still speaking. We just have to open our eyes, our ears, our hearts, and sometimes a random book to hear him.

My Gabe spoke to me tonight. God gave me his message. Gabe’s at peace, and Matt and I will be okay. Gabe’s gotten to our house before us and is having a blast killing time until we can get there. He’s waiting on me and so is his rocking chair.

It is truly wonderful how God works in our lives especially when we do not comprehend at first. He shows us why things happen in his time, not our time. What a blessing your mom is to you and what a gift she found in this book. Love you girl.

Oh, Patrice, I am just sitting here reading through my tears. I've been reading your posts since Jonah was born, and have never commented before. But this is just beautiful...seeing how God ministered to you last Mother's Day. We rejoice that you now have a little one in your arms, but struggle at times to understand why He allowed dear little Jonah to have EB. I know nothing at all about EB (never heard of it before), but praise the Lord I do know that His grace will be sufficient for you in all your needs. You and Matt are very special people!! Your faith is so simple, but very real, and is a challenge and testimony to many -- those who know you personally and those of us who only know you through your blog. May the Lord bless you and know that I will continue to hold you up in prayer.

We also lost our Gabriel it will be 3 years in Oct. He was taken from us suddenly and it was harder then any words can say! We are doing really good but still have times that are challenging. The Lord has comforted us and when you say you wish he would just speak to you I know what you mean to the deepest of my heart. Bless you guys and keep walking toward Jesus for no where else will you find peace. Thank you for sharing and my the Lord touch your hearts even more

Thank you for leaving this out here. Words are hard to come by, and I guess that I'm in the same place now as you were here. I'm really missing my Hannan. You've been a strong example and a few of your friends have reached out to help me walk through this valley after watching your path. I pray for you all often.