Following Australia’s second-place performance at Eurovision 2016, the Socceroos have announced today that they will follow suit by ignoring qualification processes and geography to land a spot at this year’s European Championships in France.

Ahead of the Socceroo’s friendly match against England on the weekend, coach Ange Postecoglou said that SBS had effectively bribed the Eurovision organisers to get Australia into the singing competition, and so they would try and bribe European soccer officials to do the same thing. “We’re just not sure whether soccer officials are open to being bribed.”

“These poms get to take part in both competitions, and they don’t even want to be part of the EU anymore. Talk about ungrateful. If they don’t want their spot, we’ll take it – no matter who Frank Lowy has to bribe.”

SBS expert Craig Foster was overjoyed by the announcement. “Now that people can get all the foreign porn they want on the internet, there are only two reasons they watch SBS – Eurovision and the football.”

Talks are also underway for the Socceroos to compete at the 2017 African Cup of Nations, and the World Amputee Football Federation World Cup in 2018, which the Socceroos might even have chance at winning.