Hating

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Active Member

This evening I was doing an assignment that really shook me. I was to draw the floor plan of the, or one of the, houses I grew up in, list events that happened, and then choose one to write about.

I chose one that was very significant, but I didn't realize how bad it was until I started writing. I got to one particular part, where we were at school and a teacher gave my brother food, and I watched him vomit it up and cry because he hadn't eaten in a good week...not because there was no food, but because it was part of the punishment we were having for something we did wrong.

The depth of the anger and hatred I am feeling right now is intense. I've thought before to forgive, and I think for the most part I did as much as I could, but I can't feel that forgiveness for what was done to my brothers.

How does one not react like this? I'm not finding it in me right now. I forgot so much of this, and that was very good, but triggers happen, and then I remember and I don't want to, because this is what happens, and I don't know how to deal with it right.
Maybe there's no right way.
I feel justified in it, but horrified by it, both at once.

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Active Member

Life can be pretty crummy. I've got stuff from my childhood that I thought I'd gotten over when in actuality, I hadn't.

You've done the first thing -- you took hold of it. I couldn't forgive because the person who'd hurt me didn't think he'd done anything wrong. What I had to do was let it go. AND yet I didn't know how to do this. I had so many scars and so many behaviors that were detrimental to me and my family.

God gave me the verse about the sins of the fathers being visited on the next 7 generations. Oh, how I struggled with that. I hadn't even read it, but heard someone say it and I couldn't let it go. How could this happen? It explained so much, but I didn't want it to continue because that meant my children would carry it on and I didn't know when -- with what generation -- it had started. I struggled with it and cried over it. AND after a while I began to realize that through Jesus, it could stop. All I had to do was give it to Him.

It wasn't easy. It was a process, but I remember the moment. It was actually the moment of my total surrender to Him. While I had been a Christian for a very long time, this was what I kept hold of. This was the part of what made me who I was. So I had to get to the point where who I was depended totally on Christ. It was not an easy journey, but it's impact was more than on just me. When my youngest was in high school, he came in and sat down one day. He said, "I've got to ask you something. What happened that day to make you change?" He knew and remembered after years. My children could tell that my life was different.

How God leads you out of this will probably be different than how He led me out, BUT He will lead you out, AND to that end I will join with you in prayer my dear sister.

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I can relate and share some experience,
I had so much pain and anger that it caused me as a child to promise myself, “I will never be happy again” I meant it, I kept it and I lived it, deeply hating the world. One of the odd things about this is that I forgot about even making this promise to myself and it had just become a way of life. Through Christ I was reminded of this experience and also that I was no longer obligated to live by such a promise. A huge burden was lifted; I also realized I was strong through Christ; I said I’m breaking the chain NOW and it was broke; nothing in my past can any longer hurt me and I thanked God for changing these things around and to use them to make me strong. I realized I am better than this, I said it and believed it, I had been living in anger and it was no longer me; I found so many instructions in God’s word through prayer that brought me such overwhelming peace! I trusted Him and listened to His wisdom and He changed my life. I will no longer live as a victim of this world’s evils and humbly thank our Father for the peace.

I’ve found that I’d repressed many memories that I knew a little of or had suspensions of that suddenly come back vividly and now I just thank God for showing me the truth, sometimes just shaking my head in amazement of how after all these years I remembered so clearly. Sometimes I will start to get angry for what I remember and I just remind myself; the chain is broke, it’s all behind me, I’m better and new and it’s only making me stronger to know the truth and then I thank God.

In my case I have so very much forgiven and I can just feel God smiling at me and putting His hand on me and comforting me as I do. My older sister has been pretty much destroyed and can’t get past it and there seems so little I can do, it hurts and I pray for her knowing it is in God’s hand. I pray for comfort and peace about it and know that He expects me to forgive so I obey as best I can and know He will bless me for it and my strength will come from Him.

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Active Member

Benjamin, the clarity and detail really can be shocking! I've had a lot of peace through Christ, but getting sidelined like this still happens. It seems to get worse as my own children grow, because I look at them and have even less understanding of how someone could treat a child so harshly. Were you told a number of times that you'd understand it better when you had your own children? I was, and it's so not true. I understand it less!

MC, I had trouble with that verse too. One pastor even told me that my own daughter was having an attitude problem and struggling because of my sins. I still need to do some more study on that verse, but so far I've come to the conclusion that we're not "punished" for the sins of the past generations, but that we are affected by them. I'll stick that verse in the theology section later and get some insight on it from other people.

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Well-Known Member

Benjamin, the clarity and detail really can be shocking! I've had a lot of peace through Christ, but getting sidelined like this still happens. It seems to get worse as my own children grow, because I look at them and have even less understanding of how someone could treat a child so harshly.

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Getting sidelined is something I would ask God to help me understand why and what to do about it. I look at my children and love them so much, they are the most valuable things in my life and I also will never fully understand the mindset of some parents.

Were you told a number of times that you'd understand it better when you had your own children? I was, and it's so not true. I understand it less!

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That’s funny you asked that! My father left when I was 12 and rarely spoke to me, but my mother often told me my children would punish me and then I’d understand. I was no angel and at 13 I sadly watched my mother cry because she hurt her hands and arms real bad while hitting me as I was able to take away her weapons. My mom was a very feisty small town girl going through a lot while raising us kids in the city on less than $4.00 an hour in the 70’s; I wouldn’t say it was right but I do have a better understanding today. My dad, something definitely wrong there, I don’t know, I’ve heard his dad was a mean drunk and very cruel to him. I forgive him but I will never understand his actions, and can’t personally excuse them. In forgiving I must be humble enough to let him be weak and thankful that God gave me the strength to break the chain and the heart to want to. Luke 11 especially 4. My biggest problem today is I had no loving example to follow, was never told I love you, so have to learn as I go. I really could have used a role model as I’m the kind of person that learns by seeing and hearing. For this I won’t be everything I’d like to be to them but I tell my kids I love them everyday.

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