Parody #10

The LAN party is taking place in a giant glass skyscraper, Malstrom’s own private home.

Don’t have transportation? Never fear. Malstrom will send his fleet of private jets to pick everyone up.

Don’t feel like lugging your computer over to my glorious estate? Don’t even have a computer? No problem. Every attendee to Malstrom’s Starcraft 2 LAN party will receive a free Mac Pro with Apple’s Cinematic Display.

Malstrom’s personal chefs are working around the clock to provide the most delightful treats.

Food, better than restaurants, will be provided. The most exquisite steak in the world will be available.

Even the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders are attending… just because they like Starcraft 2 (who knew!?).

All Blizzard products, past and present, including games and other merchandise, will be free to all who attend. Each attendee to the Malstrom Starcraft 2 LAN Party will get a free subscription to World of Warcraft for life.

All Hollywood celebrities will be attending. They know all the movers and shakers will be at Malstrom’s Starcraft 2 LAN Party.

The richest people in the world will be there.

Since attendees need a way to get home, Malstrom is generously providing everyone with a free car only the super rich can buy.

Since Starcraft 2 requires time for people to ‘practice their build’ and get good, all attendees to Malstrom’s Starcraft 2 LAN Party will never have to work again. All attendees will be given free, lifelong retirement, to any part of the world they choose.

Furthermore, there is…

“Hey, doofus!” shouts a voice. “Didn’t you know there won’t be any LAN in Starcraft 2? What a moron! Haha!”

A philistine on the Internet! I guess this means I am going to have to cancel. Sorry guys. If Blizzard put in LAN, all of the above would be happening.