Sunday, November 28, 2004

Back in Toronto after a quick stay with my parents.

You know, it never seems like I have enough time there/with them.

This time, I decided I was gonna go to church. And I surprised myself by liking it.

I looked around at the packed hall with all the children and their mothers and fathers holding them, or arms draped over their shoulders, sharing something. The families who couldn't give a hoot about fashion, but content as hell because they have their wife and their children and their little jobs they do to pay for the house and the gymnastics classes and the weekends when they go for an hour to give thanks for all their life's riches.

And it made me at once sad and hopeful. Sad for myself because that's a brand of contentedness that I don't foresee for myself anytime soon. Hopeful, because it was that family closeness that I thought was gone in the world. After seeing day after day of parents verbally abusing their small children as they struggle up the TTC steps and make their meandering way to their seat, staring at the strangers, I wonder how children can possibly grow up to love themselves when even I feel so much bitterness emanating from their frustrated parents.

It was a nice way to reflect on the week and on my life ahead.
I wondered if perhaps I need to feed my soul more often.

And now it's time to focus on my class project on Web Strategy. Feels pretty frivolous after some of the thoughts I've had today. Perhaps this is why those with faith have been shown to be happier people. Perspective.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

This weekend I'm going home to relax and refocus. Sometimes going home really helps my perspective. I think I need it.

Tonight I came home and saw the lobby of my apartment building all lit up with Christmas lights and garlands and a big Christmas tree. It lifted my spirits so much, I just wanted to sit there the whole night.

I love Christmas.
Thank god for Christmas. If it were a person, I would hug it tight.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

I'm doing really well on my financial goals that I set for myself. YAY!

I'm also doing really well on my career stuff. I'm learning, I'm doing some interesting projects, I've been promoted to a pretty sweet position. YAY!

I'm also kicking ass in my course, although I'm not sure I'm learning all that much. And I doubt that I'm that smart that's just me. However, it's still a success.

And I'm not gaining weight.
I honestly haven't weighed myself in a long long time. But My clothes aren't getting any smaller. They're not getting any bigger, but shut up cuz I'm focussing on the positive here.

Mar reminded me that every day we make choices. I'm trying to learn to be happy with the ones I've made.

Today is reserved for not regretting my choices. Today is the day I'm happy that I did SOMETHING (and did it well) rather than paralyzing myself with indecision, rather than beating myself up for the things that I haven't gotten around to yet. There is plenty of time for more life in the days to come.

Monday, November 22, 2004

I complained about my client to my team, I was snotty to my boss and didn't spread joy like I often try to. I barely even spoke to some of my usual coworkers.

Today I did not feel refreshed by my weekend.

I'm not exactly sure what the problem was. I guess I feel like I didn't accomplish much.

I'd meant to finish decorating my place. Didn't do ANYTHING. I'd been waiting for Alex to come over to help me with it and we had a bit of a disagreement so that added to the unpleasantness. I had a migraine. I didn't clean anything. I didn't cook anything. I went to Alex's house and we watched TV.

I read my book. Lovely bones. Great book. But it didn't feel like much.

The one great thing I did was go to visit Scott and Kat and watch the Grey Cup on their massive lovely TV. Well, I suppose I didn't exactly watch. It was more like, sitting, blabbing, and stuffing my face with yummy food while the Grey Cup played in the background. It was great. I really don't get together with my friends enough.

I need to focus on those good things instead of moping about the bad.
Life would be nothing without friends.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

It sounded great to me. Sounded like a risk, but a risk in return for something better.

And she turned it down because she thought that it would make her sick with worry. She turned it down because she didn't want to risk the stability of the job in hand (which she's not really happy with) for the unknown.

I'm really sad.

It makes me wonder if I would make the same decision if I had a house. Makes me wonder if I ever want to settle down and have responsibilities.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Raye's Newsletter never fails to bring a smile to my face. And this week it has really made me think. Issue #7 discusses relationships.

How many times in the past while have you heard or thought:

"i'm too selfish and self-absorbed for a relationship"
"i'm too independent"
"i'm not good at them"
"i'm used to doing my own thing and other people just complicate that groove"

Raye asks: Are we getting too individualized as a culture? Is our quest for independence and autonomous success creating a trade-off that we can't possibly be happy with in the end?

I can relate, even though I am in a relationship. I wonder about my ability to give and be selfless. I wonder if this is why I'm not married. I wonder if our culture, which so highly values independence, has ruined that part of me that really wants to need another person to "complete me".

Reading Me to We, I have become more aware that we are such a ME-society. It's all about self-help, instead of helping each other. Are those that depend on others less happy? Statistically, the answer is no. So why do I loathe the idea of relying on others?

It's difficult to put trust in another human being. Unfortunately, I must have high expectations and I am easily disappointed. And I mean, you can't CONTROL what that person does. Inevitably, they don't do what I would do. They have different priorities, needs and goals. It seems easier to just go on my own merry way, doesn't it? Why bother making someone else feel like they're a failure for not living up to my exacting standards? Except that we persist with the idea that the "couple" is the ultimate happiness. Except when it isn't. When it doesn't work - when it isn't right - whatever that means - then it's the worst failure.

Sigh. I don't have the answers.
But I'm searching.
At least I know that others are, too.

(If you would like to be added to Raye's list of newsletter recipients, let me know and I'll pass on the info. Otherwise, feel free to post a comment here about the issue.)

Saw Kevin Smith at Roy Thompson Hall last night and it was rather cool.

He has a potty mouth, of course, which I found to be rather tiresome after a while. I mean, how many times can you swear before it stops being funny for the shock value? And much of his humour is shock-value. Unsurpringly, given the nature of Chasing Amy and Dogma, for example.

But he's a pretty cool guy. Laid back in a way that tells me he's "on".
Really reminds me of Alex.

And then Kevin started talking about his wife.

And I had a sneaking suspicion that Alex and I are living a parallel universe to Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

I think I am Kevin Smith's wife.
Except that I saw her and she's extremly pretty, so I'm not.

But everything that Kevin said about his wife, I could have sworn came from Alex's own mouth.

Alex and I stole sidelong glances at each other. I knew he was thinking the same.

I have a new appreciation for Kevin Smith and I'm looking forward to his possible use of bionic ninja's hiding behind rocks at Degrassi High in his next movie, Clerks2. Don't be too surprised if, instead, he comes out with Jay and Silent Bob Take on Canada, eh?

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

And my blog still looks like my original site, even though I keep meaning to get around to redesigning AND I never post anything interesting. Yes, I realize that I'm making this all about me. Me me me, that's all we ever hear about in this blog.

On the happy side, I got to see two of my friends that work in the industry and have a great talk. (Which reminds me, I have a conversation to finish with one of them...)

Then I walked to class -- from Second City at one end of downtown to UofT at the other end -- for more web stuff. And I discovered that I did REALLY well on my test! 97% baby!

After that, I walked to Alex's place and we had a nice long hug and it felt so great just to talk and hug.

Today, one of my old Infinaut buddies came in to work with me. It's been great to work with him again. Sometimes it can be really difficult to find a competent developer who understands (a) quality, (b) deadlines and (c) responsibility.

And tomorrow I'll get to work with my cousin! I've got a project that I need some admin help with and she's going to do all the dirty work for me. I'm so glad! It'll be nice to see her again. It's weird: you live in the same city and you never see even your own family!

I tried an experiment on my walk to work today. I walked on the left side of the sidewalk. Then I looked off to into the distance, pretending to be fully engrossed in whatever was happening over there.

People who were walking the other way, coming towards me, refused to change to the other side of the sidewalk. They saw that they were going to bump into me, that I was not paying attention, and they still would not move to the other side of sidewalk.

Isn't that strange?
There's no LAW that you walk on the same side that you drive on. And yet, it seems that there is. In fact, people are quite adamant about it.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Sunday used to be a day of rest. Now, it's a day of cleaning.

And now my back hurts from cleaning the encrusted food from the wall.

I'm off to meet Alex for dinner.

* * *

Back from dinner now. Spring Rolls is a pretty good restaurant. I love asian food so much. Although I must say that the curried Pad Thai was a little disappointing. The best curried pad thai in the city can be found at the Friendly Thai. Without a doubt.

My mom picked me up and dropped me at home with a bunch of things that she'd brought me from their house, including my warm winter jacket. I'm very sad that I'll be needing it soon. I do NOT like cold weather. Why do I live in Canada?

I'm still looking for the perfect boots so that I can:
a) walk to work in comfort
b) wear all my skirts
c) be a cute Fall girl (I think it's going to take more than the perfect boots for that one).

Did I mention that I saw Edge of Reason, the new Bridget Jones movie?
Well, I did.

It was cute. But anyone thinking that it might closely resemble the book will be sorely disappointed. It's funny and true to the spirit of the book, but really quite different. The best part was, of course, the second round of the ridiculous fight between the two men in Bridget's life. Fantastic.

I'm also reading a really great book: Lovely Bones. Sad and moving and after only starting it this morning, I'm already a quarter of the way through. Read the reviews on the Chapters site for a pretty accurate summary of the book; or not, if you want to be surprised. Recommeneded either way.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Work is starting to level out at only 10-hours per day, which is a nice change. And generally less stressful.

I guess one can only take so much stress before it becomes the norm.

However, I did manage to have dinner with Jess this week, which was great! And this weekend I'm going to see Edge Of Reason, the new Bridget Jones flick. Should be a good weekend. Maybe at some stage I'll even find time to clean my apartment and do laundry! How exciting!

Monday, November 08, 2004

Supposed to be reading my booooorrrrrring textbook and studying. But I thought I'd take a PRE-study break to report that we had our first snowflakes of the year in Toronto today.

Of course, I didn't see them. But I was assured that they were out there. I wasn't too skeptical, since I did have to walk home through the brutal cold.

Had a meeting with someone today who's off to Paris next week. She said "I don't really like hot weather." HUH? What else IS there??

The good side to the cold weather is that it made me jog home (in my inappropriate work attire) so that I got home faster so that I could check my email and write my blog in time to start studying by the time I would have gotten home otherwise.

Good excuse.
Honestly, I don't know another person who's as good at procrastinating as I am. I'm stellar. A true professional. I think I should teach a course.

Raye told me today about her Myers-Briggs testing that she did this summer (MB is a personality type indicator). An INTJ commonly becomes unglued when the outside world seems overwhelming and anticipates the worst. These feelings are often dealt with by overdoing sensual pleasures such as overeating.

Hm. Good thing I don't do THAT.
~hides Reece PB cup pkg behind back~

Raye also notes that there are suggestions on how to return to "equilibrium":

time alone to recharge

lightening of usual schedule

avoidance of advice-giving individuals

Check.

Exam is tomorrow, so time is scarce. However, I AM alone right now. Will use this as an excuse to make my roommates go away later.

As "usual schedule" includes working late, and I'm already here working at home, the only way to "lighten" is to turn on more lamps. Or perhaps candles as I lie in the bath pretending I can read through my closed eyelids.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Yesterday I fell asleep in the Second Cup, reading my Online Strategy textbook. It's THAT good.

I'd even just had a latte. I thought coffee was supposed to keep you awake. Well, not me, apparently. I sat down on the comfy couch and, 2 dreadfully boring paragraphs later, my eyes were rolling back into my head, my chin resting on my chest.

Too cool.

Once I woke up, I figured I wasn't getting a lot of studying done for my exam on Tuesday, so I might as well get up and do something. So I wandered up to Chinatown and did some shopping. Avocado and asian pears. MMMmmm.

And I talked myself out of buying some ridiculously cheap shoes and did some gourmet shoppinig in Kensington Market. A french stick and some nice cheeses to take with me to Sarah's for dinner.

Sarah made mussels and had edamame. We marvelled that edamame is actually good for you. I mean, how many yummy things are actually good for you?

Sharon brought veggies and yummy dip.
We drank wine and talked about all our stupid work lives.
And watched Weezer videos.

And then it was time to go. So Sharon and I walked and chatted all the way to the Yonge and Bloor subway station (maybe a 1/2-hour walk?). What a beautiful night - perfect autumn weather.

And today I continue with my sad efforts to study.
Needless to say, I wandered around Zellers for a couple of hours and called Jen.

Ya, I'm a pretty good procrastinator.

And now I'd say it's about time for dinner. So I don't need to crack the books just yet...

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Back from my Web Strategy class - always an interesting diversion.

It'd be great if I could find the time to read more than a chapter of my textbook before my test next week. Of course, that might necessitate me never blogging again. And never writing another personal email. Could be a problem for me.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Drinking a yummy strawberry banana orange yogurt smoothie - my specialty. The only other smoothie I've ever tasted that came close to mine was the one I had in Boston. that one came close, I'll admit. But right now, I feel the goodness flooding into me.

Another 12-hour day, but I spoke with my boss about how we can reduce my hours. So we're working on it at least.

At least I got home in time to do some laundry. I was in desperate need: tomorrow I wouldn't have had any socks left. Although I suppose that's a good reason to buy MORE socks. If I had time to shop, I mean.

I got a lovely email from my friends Andrea in Germany and Jaap in Holland. They were both worried about me and tried to remind me that life is beautiful and shouldn't be so full of stress.