CHRIS CRUISE is thankfully wearing clothes this week, and he is joined by DUSTY RHODES. Rhodes hypes a Horsemen appearance in our main event tonight, and promises that when Flair and Hogan finally cross pathes, “featha’s gonna fly”.

Kimberly has vowed to be Johnny’s manager through all of 1996, but something tells me that just might be a big fat lie. Once again, I do NOT get an entrance from The Gambler – HOWEVER he is in the ring tossing cards one by one at the crowd, with a maniacal grin on his face. I have to believe he thinks he’s cheating at something, but I’ll be damned if I can figure out what planet he’s on. Badd starts with a bunch of hiptosses, and Gambler gives an over exaggerated convulsion on the mat. I’m guessing that’s just a ploy – in fact he probably thought he was cheating, because it’s all a RUSE and he takes over. An elbowdrop gets 2. Whether or not it was a loaded elbow, perhaps with gold plated cards, remains to be seen. Gambler knocks Johnny down with a big fist, and I have to assume it was a fist full of poker chips. Johnny drops him to the outside, and actually threatens him with an early version of 619. Or if you’re Dusty Rhodes: The Whirlie Girly. He opts for a slingshot crossbody instead, rolls him in, and finishes with a slingshot legdrop at 2:30. *

VK WALLSTREET vs. FRANKIE LANCASTER

Lancaster was a mainstay in the WCW jobber ranks for years, and literally, if you were designing the most generic looking wrestler you could find, you’d start with this guy. Cruise points out that for Lancaster, it may be time to “fish or cut bait”, and he’s re-committed for 1996. And despite some early offense, within a minute, Wallstreet is already picking him up from pinfall attempts. This probably doesn’t bode well for his resolutions. The Wallstreet Crash finishes at 1:39. DUD

Chris Cruise mentions that Sting’s hair is getting darker, and maybe his soul is getting darker too. That takes us to a special interview with STING. Sting says he’s getting tired of having Savage and Sting pointing their fingers in his face, asking him where his loyalty lies, and he definitely has a chip on his shoulder as a result of these clowns. Sting figures Savage’s issue is that Luger’s beat him 3 times now, and Sting has Luger’s number personally, so his paranoia is getting to him that maybe he’s not quite the man anymore. Well, I’m sure this will all blow over and turn out to be absolutely nothing at all by the fall.

CHRIS BENOIT vs. STEVE ARMSTRONG

Both guys get an actual entrance, so this might be the day we see the end of the Armstrong curse. Benoit starts by slapping him around like a small child. Scott comes back with a dropkick, and Benoit bails to the floor. Back in, Benoit wins a test of strength, and the pair brawl to the corner. Armstrong nails a monkey flip, and follows with a clothesline, so Benoit takes another powder. Once he’s regrouped, he starts pummelling Armstrong with headbutts. A snap suplex leaves Armstrong a bit discombobulated, which Benoit takes advantage of to hit a side suplex. Armstrong tries a comeback, and drops Benoit right on his head while trying some botched suplex. Benoit doesn’t care for that, and finishes with a Dragon Suplex at 5:21. *

BIG BUBBA ROGERS vs. LUIS ASTEA

Dusty’s calling of any match featuring “Bubber” is immediately worth the price of admission. Sadly, this show doesn’t last long, as the only offense out of Astea is a dropkick after a missed big splash. That goes about as well as you might expect. Bubba Slam sets up a taped fist from “Bubber” for the win at 2:28. Astea might be the single least intimidating wrestler I’ve ever seen, and that includes such luminaries as the Brooklyn Brawler, Spike Dudley, and Mass Transit. DUD

I’ve refrained from comment on the ads for Lawnmower Man II that appear during every single commercial break; but that’s only because if I started, I wouldn’t be able to contain my personal excitement about the fact that one of the worst movies of all time has warranted a sequels. Not straight to VHS, but full blown theatre access. I can’t think of a single modern equivalent of this train wreck getting a sequel, but I have little doubt there are readers out there who can certainly help me relive recent nightmares.

DEAN MALENKO vs. BUCK QUARTERMAINE

Dusty shows some absolutely incredible foreshadowing, mentioning that he spoke to Malenko before the show, and that Dean was apparently the choice for the Horsemen before they settled on Benoit. Cruise blows him off like he’s an idiot – Chris Cruise ladies and gentlemen! Quartermaine actually needs to be booked in a match with Luis Astea, as the red and while singlet and pre-pubescent frame isn’t fooling anyone. Malenko tears him apart like a wolf, not allowing anything resembling offense from the Grade 8 student. A brainbuster surprisingly gets 2, I would have bet anything on that being the finish. Quartermaine throws some pitiful punches that would make Trish Stratus blush, so Malenko applies a half crab that actually cinches on the neck and ends that game at 3:15. Dusty declares: “He uncled him!” 1/2*

THE STATE PATROL vs. RIC FLAIR and ARN ANDERSON (in the Match Of The Week)

This would appear to be pretty one sided for the “match of the week”, but maybe Buddy Lee Parker is prepared to channel whatever he pumped Goldberg full of and show us something. The State Patrol double team Anderson, and cause Dusty to stop rambling about football and start screaming “CLUBBERIN! CLUBBERIN!” Flair takes over and chops on Wright, but a backdrop puts Ric in the corner, and the State Patrol double team Flair with more CLUBBERIN! Arn throws a knee at Parker, and beats him down in the corner. Parker tries mounting a comeback on Flair, but is quickly put into a headlock by the champ. Anderson tries to cut off the ring, but Parker slams him and gets the lukewarm tag to Wright – impressive since the heat is canned and they still don’t care. A double team attempt from the State Patrol backfires, and Anderson’s spinebuster sets up the Figure Four for a Horsemen win at 4:46. *1/2

Cruise and Rhodes wrap things up quickly, and cut to the Copyright 1995 logo cuz this was taped months ago. See you for Saturday Night!

Kimberly has vowed to be Johnny’s manager through all of 1996, but something tells me that just might be a big fat lie. Once again, I do NOT get an entrance from The Gambler – HOWEVER he is in the ring tossing cards one by one at the crowd, with a maniacal grin on his face. I have to believe he thinks he’s cheating at something, but I’ll be damned if I can figure out what planet he’s on. Badd starts with a bunch of hiptosses, and Gambler gives an over exaggerated convulsion on the mat. I’m guessing that’s just a ploy – in fact he probably thought he was cheating, because it’s all a RUSE and he takes over. An elbowdrop gets 2. Whether or not it was a loaded elbow, perhaps with gold plated cards, remains to be seen. Gambler knocks Johnny down with a big fist, and I have to assume it was a fist full of poker chips. Johnny drops him to the outside, and actually threatens him with an early version of 619. Or if you’re Dusty Rhodes: The Whirlie Girly. He opts for a slingshot crossbody instead, rolls him in, and finishes with a slingshot legdrop at 2:30. *

Awww, this isn't the far-more awesome Badd/Gambler match, where Badd hit him so hard with the Tutti Fruitti, it made playing cards fall out of his tights, like something out of that old In Your House game.

Originally posted by cfgbChris Cruise mentions that Sting’s hair is getting darker, and maybe his soul is getting darker too. That takes us to a special interview with STING. Sting says he’s getting tired of having Savage and Sting pointing their fingers in his face, asking him where his loyalty lies, and he definitely has a chip on his shoulder as a result of these clowns. Sting figures Savage’s issue is that Luger’s beat him 3 times now, and Sting has Luger’s number personally, so his paranoia is getting to him that maybe he’s not quite the man anymore. Well, I’m sure this will all blow over and turn out to be absolutely nothing at all by the fall.

I'm enjoying your foreshadowing. It makes it seem as if WCW had an epically choreographed master plan.

Getting the State Patrol and The Gambler in the same show makes this a win, but getting the State Patrol in the main event with Arn and Flair is really a special treat.

The art of being a jobber has been lost and it's sad because it really made these random shows that popped up on your dial a real joy to find at odd hours.

I have complained for years about the lack of heel managers, but I really think I miss jobbers with crumby gimmicks that showed up week after week to try their hand in the squared circle way more. There was no need to talk about losing streaks, because these were just guys that took time off from their day jobs from card sharking or patrolling our highways for a little extra cash. If they got pummeled last week and showed up this week, you'd never know about their pummeling by their demeanor, they were still cocky as fuck ... but you knew and they knew that you knew.