Finding Freedom

This is part three of three. To read the complete story click the links for part one and part two.

You cannot tackle an addiction with resolve. It doesn’t work. The only way to face addiction is with humility. To recognize that you are powerless against it. And somehow the act of admitting that you can’t do anything about it of your own volition begins to break its power over you. For nine years I believed that if I just tried harder, if I just had more control over my thoughts, if I just created better habits then I would beat bulimia. It was all centered around me and my control, which in a way was only an extension of the disorder and addiction.

I always believed that it was possible to be completely free from bulimia. There were plenty of people who told me this wasn’t possible: doctors, nutritionists, therapists other people I encountered in group therapy sessions. They were all of the opinion that in some way I would struggle with this for the rest of my life; that I would constantly be fighting the battle. It was as if they had all accepted defeat. To me that was unthinkable. Mostly because the battle that was going on in my mind, to me was hell-on-earth. If it was going to continue as they said, then what was the point? I couldn’t help but ask this question. But I believed that I was not made to live a hell-on-earth, that I was made to be MORE. This hope grew out of my faith in God, that His intention for me, for all mankind is to know love and freedom. I believed that His offer is not necessarily a perfect life free of hardship or pain, but a new identity one where I would be free and fully alive.

Whether or not you believe in God, it seems to me that there is an element of faith when anyone perseveres into something that seems utterly hopeless. Whatever the suffering, whatever the disorder, whatever the addiction it takes faith to believe that we were meant for more: that we were meant to be fully alive.

I finally came to know what being fully alive meant in the Spring of 2009. In February of 2009 I attended a few Anorexic and Bulimics Anonymous meetings and began to read the book [ABA follows a twelve step program similar to AA. Click here for resources]. As I read those first few pages, something clicked: my bulimia was an addiction. Slowly those years of work (In nine years I did so much therapeutic ‘work’ surrounding my eating disorder: the behaviors, my personality and my relationships and I had journaled it all) started to come together. I realized that I was pretending it wasn’t a problem, I was trying to gloss over the power it had over me in an attempt to feel in control. I downplayed the behavior to friends and family who were trying to support me, further alienating myself from the help that I really needed. And when I sought help I did so when I was feeling “strong” and in control, not when I was in my weakest, most helpless moments. For nine years I had refused to admit that I was powerless over my addiction. When I finally, truthfully and fully, admitted to myself that I was at the end of myself and was completely powerless, things started to change. It was gradual at first: I didn’t feel as guilty if I ate “more than I should” and the desire to be in constant control wained. The lie was losing its grip on me because I had FINALLY admitted the truth.

It wasn’t long after the tide began to turn that I found out I was pregnant with our first child. It was at that point that everything began to solidify. I realized that if I truly loved the life inside me then I had to completely let go of the self-centered way of thinking that had trapped me for so long. I began to embrace the thing that petrified me: weight gain.

Before I was ever pregnant I was consumed with fear that I’d never lose the weight I would gain during pregnancy. I was also worried that if I had a daughter that she would follow in my footsteps and also be obsessed with weight and appearance that would eventually lead to an eating disorder the way it did with me.

When I found out I was pregnant I had to let go of all these fears, along with my disordered thinking about weight and food. I found pregnancy to be freeing. I promised to embrace the weight gain. I promised to not purge. It was in these promises that I let go. I had made promises before, but it was the threat of loss that brought me to my “rock bottom” or at least within sight of it. I didn’t want to lose my baby. I had disregarded my own life and health, but I could NOT disregard the life–the baby–inside me. This pregnancy was too precious: I’d been told by two doctors that my ability to conceive was slim to none due to complications with amenorrhea. To finally, though unexpectedly, conceive “against the odds” made me realize I had been give a precious gift that I didn’t want to loose.

Even with this resolve there was a part of me that didn’t want to keep those promises. So I told myself that if I still wanted to go back to restricting or purging after the pregnancy as a way to lose weight then I could, but during the pregnancy I wouldn’t. When I got to the end of nine months and finally held my daughter in my arms on December 9, 2009 I knew there was no going back. For nine months I’d tasted freedom. For nine months I’d felt fully alive. Even though I’d given myself permission to go back to the way I had been living, it didn’t mean anything. It had no appeal.The addiction had no hold over me. I had a new identity. I was bulimic. Now I am FREE!

–Sarah

There are so many people that I leave out of this story. Mostly because it would become so detailed that the post would become impossibly long. However, there are some incredibly significant people who I want to publicly thank.

Mark–My husband, my best friend, my cheerleader. He was by my side through the whole thing. We began dating in college the fall after I was diagnosed with Anorexia (2001). He attended counseling sessions with me. He prayed and cried with me. He encouraged and challenged me. But mostly he loved me through it. And even when he had his own doubts that the battle would ever end he kept hoping and believing for me. You are the most amazing man ever! I love you!

My family-Mom, Dad, Chris, Rachel and Alissa. I love you all. Your prayers have finally been answered. God is faithful!

Anna-Dear friend! You saw it all and still cared. Thank you for encouraging me with truth when I needed to hear truth, offering a hug when I needed one and above all believing that I was made for MORE.

Karen- A mentor and friend in my college days. Karen provided support, wisdom and prayer. I could be honest with her and she didn’t flinch, she never judged, she just believed. And I know she spent a good amount of time on her knees for me. Thank you!

Donna-Mentor and friend during the thick of it. When I was far away from my family and friends you helped me have hope for a future of freedom. Thank you for your prayers and love!

Kimberly-My counselor in Phoenix, AZ whose Christian perspective helped me break through in so many areas where I struggled. Thank you for your wisdom, prayers and support. You were such help in my journey.

So encouraged by your story, Sarah! Grateful for your openness and vulnerability in this story. Addiction craves the darkness. Freedom is found in the light. You’re an inspiration and I hope that this blog can encourage those who have been in the same position. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman who does not struggle with some level of disordered eating or dysmorphic body image issues. Please keep writing.

As an aside…you should consider publishing your story in book form…you’re a great writer!

Meredith, thank you for your kind comments:-) It is true that many women are in some way critical of their appearance or weight and even though I’ve found freedom from the obsession I am still conscious and at times critical of myself. But it doesn’t have a hold on me like it used to, which I am so grateful for.

I love that you put yourself out there. I struggled with anorexia (among other things) for several years leading up to me transferring away from home my Junior year of college. And although now when I see photos of myself during that time I wince at the sight of my extremely frail figure (I was also over weight in high school), no one ever confronted me about my sickness like your Mom did. I had to break the cycle myself and that is when I found running. I can relate to you on so many levels. Pregnancy being one of them. Although I have been better for many years the thought of pregnancy terrified me, gaining all that weight – but I ran until I was 36 weeks (I couldn’t take the shin splints anymore) and even though I live a healthy lifestyle now – I have a daughter and I know that when she is older I will be much more aware of things like this and much more open than anyone was with me.

Thank you for your kind comment:-) I share similar feelings when I look back at pictures of myself or remember what it was like in the thick of my struggle with bulimia. I’m so grateful to my mom for not being afraid to say anything. I hope that there are mom’s out there reading my blog who decide to do the same for their own girls. It deepened our relationship, it didn’t hurt it. Since becoming a mom I’ve definitely been more sensitive about the messages I project to my daughter about body image. I just found this post yesterday by Leslie Goldman, I think that you’ll enjoy it and relate too:-) <a href="http://healthbreaksloose.com/hlb-body-image/what-it’s-like-to-lose-your-shit-in-front-of-500-sorority-girls/
Thanks again!

I feel like I am reading my own life. I just finished my freshmen year of college at Syracuse and have been spending my summer in intensive outpatient back home. I was so sick (mentally) that my mom had to live with me for the last month of the second semester so i could finish the year in safety. Thank you for having the courage to tell your story, it makes my burden a little less difficult to bear, and it makes me feel less ashamed. Sometimes i feel i am deformed or a complete outcast. I am so happy you are able to conceive, i have not had my period in a year 7 months but i want a big family and i am terrified that i will not be able to have any. Anyway, I will definitely follow your blog and i hope you and your husband, and the babies to come have a wonderful and happy life!

I’m so glad that you were able to find my blog too. I wish I had heard encouraging stories when I was in the early and middle stages of recovery. I felt like so many of the messages I was receiving were that “I would struggle with it my whole life.” I just didn’t want to believe that was true. And I’m glad it’s not. Yes there is still a consciousness, but the torturous thinking and obsessing is completely gone. Its hard not to feel ashamed and embarrassed, but you are not the only one:-)

Thank you for your story. It definitely mirrors mine right now. I’m trying so hard right now, but like you said, it’s still about control. My fear is still of becoming fat, and I still don’t trust the food that enters my body. I don’t trust that it’ll keep me at an honest weight. So, to stay in control, I’ll purge. Yet, I’m pretty sure I’m gaining more weight than ever by purging because my metabolism is slowing down and I’m not able to purge everything I eat. But it’s so so so hard to trust my body and to believe that it’ll handle anything I throw at it. I feel like I have a food addiction, and I can’t trust myself around food most of the time because I’ll usually end up bingeing.

I’ve been in recovery for about 6 months now after a year of being anorexic and 3 years of being bulimic. It’s hard and sometimes I question why I continue to fight this battle when it seems like my eating disorder keeps on winning. I guess there’s something inside of me that wants to win, but I really need to learn to trust my body first. This acceptance is going to take a while to come, but I hope it comes soon.

Your story is definitely one that I’ll continue reading whenever I’m feeling lost. It’s fantastic knowing that someone has gone through what I’m going through and has recovered. [I kind of wish I was pregnant right now, but I’m still too young for that ;)] Anyway, I wish you all the best with your life and your family. I’m so glad to hear that you’ve left your eating disorder in the past. 🙂

Trusting your body is such a huge lesson and it took me a while to finally be able to do it. And there are still times when I have to mentally or even verbally remind myself that everything will be OK, that its not the end of the world. Finding out I was pregnant and realizing I didn’t want to have an eating disorder while I was pregnant (or even after) was my “rock bottom.” Everyone has a different “rock bottom” yours may come in a completely differet way at a completely different time. But I think avery addict needs a catalyst, whatever it may be, to tip the scales and make them realize that their addiction is controlling them and they are powerless. That’s what I needed to realize before I could move forward with recovery, it was another human life inside me that made me realize that I was powerless over my addiction, but for you it might be something completely different.

Keep feeding and nuturing that voice inside you that says that you can win. Because you can! Freedom from an eating disorder is completely possible. It takes a lot of work and tears, but it’s possible. You can’t do it on your own though, surround yourself with people who believe you can win too. And look into local chapters of Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous, reading the 12 steps and applying them were incredibly helpful to me. Also a lot of prayer and honesty with God, I knew that he never intended me to be “broken.” I held on to that truth and it got me through to feeling “whole” and complete, like the woman I was intended to be from the start.

Thank you for sharing. So eloquently written and helpful, I think. Disordered thinking about food is a very TOUGH thing to beat, but you did it. Congratulations to you for finding the way out and into health. I’m also from NH, found your blog through Jes today of runladylike.

I recognized much of myself in your story. I lived with an “active” eating disorder for 26 years. I was anorexic and then became an exercise bulimic as a way to “hide in plain sight.” I wasn’t purging — I was training! But becoming a mom forced a similar realization, that I could not continue my destructive behavior and be a good mom. The road back was difficult, but so worth it.

Thanks so much for commenting. Becoming a mom was the catalyst for me. It’s what I needed to really get serious about leaving behind my disordered past. The road is difficult but you are right, so worth it!

you are incredible, i am a new mom to my darling precious 4 month old baby girl. i battled anorexia/bulimia from age 12-36. i had some phases where i was ‘recovered’ but i was in denial. it was not till i got blessed with pregnancy and oddly, with thyroid cancer, that i realized not only is my life precious, but my baby girl’s life is too precious for me to ever want to harm myself or my growing baby.
being pregnant and having my baby girl taught me how to love bigger than i thought possible. i appreciate your words so much and i even though i feared having a child because i didn’t want to be a bad example, i don’t feel that way any longer. i’ve never felt a love like this and she inspires me every day.
thank you, can’t wait to get more familiar with your blog 🙂

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