Is Polyamory a Form of Sexual Orientation?

As usual with polyamory, the answer is that it’s complicated.

THE BASICS

Whether or not polyamory qualifies as a sexual orientation depends in part on who is asking, for what reason, and what they mean by sexual orientation. Legally, polyamory is not considered a sexual orientation in the United States (or anywhere else, to my knowledge) and so is not eligible for protected status under statutes that protect people from employment and housing discrimination based on sex, sexuality, or gender. On a more personal level, some individuals do identify polyamory as their sexual orientation, and others define it as a lifestyle choice.

Source: Bisexual Logo, Pixabay, Public Domain

Sexual Orientation

The idea of sexual orientation as defined only by the gender of the partner desired is fairly new, at least in such a narrow scope. Historically, sex was a series of acts that people did, not something that defined them as a specific type of person. Since the sexologists of the mid to late 1800s invented the idea of sexual orientation, it has relied primarily upon the sex of the desired partner.[i] People who wanted someone of a different sex became defined as heterosexual, those who wanted a partner of the same sex were deemed homosexual, and folks who desired partners of “both”[ii] sexes were labeled bisexual.

While the gender of a partner remains the primary legal standard for sexual orientation, such a simplistic view of sexuality fails to adequately encompass the enormous range of sexual and gender diversity that exists today. Contemporary sexual orientation includes a far wider array of factors, including (but not limited to): type of sex,[iii] presence or absence of desire for sex,[iv] and relational configuration.

Legally

Whether or not polyamory is a sexual orientation is more than a philosophical question. If poly were to be recognized as a sexual orientation, polyamorous people could potentially receive protections from discrimination. Because polyamory is not currently recognized as a sexual orientation, there is no recourse for those who experience discrimination—people have lost their jobs, housing, and custody of their children due to being in polyamorous relationships.

In her 2011 Law Review article, lawyer Ann Tweedy argues that polyamory should be legally recognized as a sexual orientation because our understandings of the terms sexual and orientation have changed radically since the invention of the idea. Rather than artificially limit the notion of sexual orientation to gender of desired partner, Tweedy argues that polyamory should be defined as a sexual orientation because it is “sufficiently embedded” in polyamorous people’s lives that they both establish an identity around it and may experience discrimination related to it.

When Polyamory Personally IS an Orientation

Some of the respondents in my 20-year study of polyamorous families identified polyamory as their sexual orientation. People who experience polyamory as a sexual orientation often describe themselves as being “wired that way” and report that they could not choose to be different even if they tried (and some have tried doggedly).

Poly-by-orientation people often mention being oriented toward multiple people since childhood, such as pretending to have multiple spouses when they played house or socializing in groups instead of having a single best friend. Many emphasize a profound discomfort with monogamy and an inability to remain in monogamous relationships. One respondent summarized monogamous relationships as “like wearing shoes two sizes too small—you can cram your foot in there momentarily, but you won’t like it and won’t be able to walk very far.”

Source: Compass, Pixabay, Public Domain

Even with this profound discomfort, many poly-by-orientation folks had tried hard to be monogamous at some point in their past and ended up cheating anyway. Some decided monogamy was not for them independently and simply stopped making monogamous agreements with anyone, and only later took on a polyamorous identity when they heard the term in conversation or online. Others discovered consensual non-monogamy and (usually with great relief) decided to become polyamorous once they realized it was an option. Poly-by-orientation people generally do not foresee a possible future that includes monogamy, and will most likely be in and/or desire some form of open relationship for the rest of their lives. If they break up from a polyamorous relationship, it does not change their internal identification as a polyamorous person.

When Polyamory Personally is NOT an Orientation

Rather than a sexual orientation, some people identify polyamory as a choice, lifestyle, social movement, or even a component of sacred sexuality. Poly-as-choice folks are more likely to have been comfortable in monogamous relationships at some point, and some report that they would consider monogamy as a potential choice in their futures depending on how things worked out.

For the choice and lifestyle crowd, there is much more flexibility to find fulfillment in a range of relationship styles. In some cases, people choose polyamory for a specific period of time: while they are young and do not have children, after a divorce when they want to play the field in an open and honest way, or after their kids have moved out and they feel more freedom to experiment with their sexuality. For others, it is a more permanent choice, often supported by community connections and social/political beliefs that de-emphasize ownership and encourage self-responsibility.

So, is polyamory a sexual orientation? For now, the answer is yes, and no—depending on whom you ask.

References

[i] Foucault, M. (1990). The history of sexuality: An introduction, volume I.Trans. Robert Hurley. New York: Vintage.

[ii] Both implies there are only two, and extensive research has demonstrated the existence of many sexes and genders with intersexed people, transgender folks, and gender queers challenging the notion of only two sexes. See for instance Kessler, S. J. (1998). Lessons from the Intersexed. Rutgers University Press. Or Nestle, J., Howell, C., & Wilchins, R. A. (Eds.). (2002). Genderqueer: Voices from beyond the sexual binary. Alyson Publications.

[iii] Vanilla, kinky, or something else?

[iv] Asexuals do not want to have sex, demisexuals only want to have sex when they are emotionally connected to someone, and graysexuals generally do not want penetrative sex but like to cuddle and possibly kiss.

Hey Elisabeth,
This is good to see that people are there in United States who love to talking about sexual Orientation. I agree with you that sexual orientation depends in part on who is asking, for what reason, and what they mean by sexual orientation. Thanks for an healthy information. By the way My name is Allen and I'm contributed author at www.thestallionlifestyle.com

Could it be that the people who identify polyamory as a lifestyle choice are in the middle of the spectrum, just like bi/pan is in the middle of the gender attraction spectrum? A biromantic person can choose to be with either gender, so a same-sex marriage could be seen as a lifestyle choice for them. But it's only a choice they can make because they have a naturally flexible orientation.

You make a very good point Ettina. I agree that choice could, for some people, masquerade as a lack of orientation and emphasize lifestyle instead. What do you think would be a good term to describe that -- people who can do either by orientation? Monogoflexible? Polyflexible? Something else?

Definitely not a sexual orientation... I can't live in monogamy myself but that's because I never found a single person what would fulfill all my needs, especially the sexual and related to time. Any one person never had time for me every single time I wanted, so I started loooking for more people to fill in the gaps, now I can't imagine relying on just one person having time for me when I need or want or wanting to have a fuck whenever I do - with multiple people to choose from I hardly ever have nobody to fuck with or go to the beach with when I have lust to. Well, I'm aware I'm egoistic, but that's probably how all of us, polies, are - we don't want commitement and are unable to stay faithful because of our own needs - not only sexual - and expect that in return from people we lie ourselves that we "love". I myself loved only once, but he died. I have a comparison to love and polyamory. Also, as for sexuality I'm hetero, but I engage with both sexes because girls make better in certain activities, though I don't sleep with them other than with them wearing a stap on and I doit only if none of the men I have relationsips with is available when I want and one of the girls does. Recently I found out that I'm probably biromantic and maybe slightly bisexual with a strong leasning towards guys. I'm also very kinky towards orgies but they were too tricky to handle - they only sound good in theory, I mean if more than 2 are actually fucking at a time, not just messing around touching and teasing you. Anway. Definitely not a sexuality, I'm just not interested in truly commiting and resigning from my own needs. At first I wasn't noticing that but now I do.

I forgot to mention that one of the girls I'm with declares asexualoty. She's in this mostly for the reasons I am though, just minus sex. She loves kissing though, it gives her true pleasure, and for this she needs us more or less like I need them. At least that's more or less what she told me if I remember well - it's sometimes difficult to follow all those people to be honest, still, I say I love you to all of them because that's what we all want to hear.

I hear that polyamory is not a sexual orientation for you, and that is fine. The last thing I would presume would be to tell other people how they experience their own sexuality. Many others have reported to me that they do experience polyamory as a sexual orientation and I believe them, just like I believe you that it is not for you.

Have poly people really reported to you that they experience poly as a 'sexual orientation', or is that a term you have chosen to use? Many of the poly people I know describe poly as a relationship orientation, or just orientation, but I've never heard anyone call it a sexual orientation.

Your own link, embedded in the phrase, defines sexual orientation as 'patterns of emotional, romantic, and sexual attraction', but I fail to see how attraction itself could be considered a defining characteristic of poly -- even monogamous people can be attracted to more than one person at a time, the difference being that they would not (ethically at least) engage in more than one romantic or sexual relationship at one time.

Poly absolutely can be described as an orientation, but 'sexual orientation' is a very misleading misnomer.

You make a good point. Some of the respondents very clearly identified it as a sexual orientation, but others emphasized it as a relational structure. I would need to look at the data again to see the break down (and with qualitative data that is a chore -- wading through 20 years of interview transcripts, some up to 35 pages long, looking for mentions of sexual orientation versus relational configuration or orientation) to tell you definitively, but I am sure that the minority emphasized the sexual component and the majority the relational component.

Sexual orientation is in part a strategic term for me, because it is what is used in legal statues and anyone wanting to find this information from that perspective will understand it in that way. Making the case for it as a sexual orientation has significant legal consequences for people in poly relationships, so I am willing to be imprecise with it for that use even if it does not match the primary use in the community.

If you are really interested in why the language of sexual orientation matters, please see Ann Tweedy's excellent article Polyamory as a Sexual Orientation in the Cincinnati Law Review 2011, Vol. 79, Is. 4.

Hi, just wanted to point out, you've misunderstood what asexuality is (and the related terms). It's not about not wanting sex. Some asexuals actually do like it. The key is just that asexuals don't experience sexual attraction. It's an important distinction. Similarly, demi's don't experience sexual attraction until an emotional bond is formed, and gray's are really just in the gray area and not anything as specific as what you suggest. Demi's actually fit within the gray umbrella. The asexual community is actually quite diverse, but it's the lack of sexual attraction that ties them together. Other than that, some enjoy sex, others are repulsed even by the idea of it, some get horny, others never experience that feeling, some masturbate, others don't, some experience romantic desire, others don't, and so on. You may want to update your footnote. I can recommend AVEN as a good source for information on asexuality in the future.