The Poetry of Charlie Sheen's Twitter, Analyzed

It's been evident for some time, to a growing number of us, that we're living in the era of the short attention span. In fact, I forgot what I just wrote.

Anyway, certain celebrities, with brains so small that if you put them in sparrows they'd fly backwards, have been using the short-form social network Twitter to express themselves. Often, poetically. So, as it was stated in The Book of Revelation, this brilliant medium is now being used as a page for his poems, by Charlie Sheen. Yep, just when this former President of Mensa seemed to have moved on, stopped dissing people and ranting about "tiger blood" and "winning," Sheen, like that pesky case of herpes, has reappeared in a new, unsettling form. As Twitter poet. Accordingly, we thought it a timely idea to compare some of Sheen's most recent mini-opuses to some of America's finest purveyors of poetry. Ready? Then let us begin.

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The Twitter poem that Sheen composed recently has him trying to get a rise out of Two and a Half Men co-star (and former Algonquin Roundtable member) Ashton Kutcher. The opus in question?

hey Ashton
sorry bro
all good.
now quit barfing
on my old
brilliant show.
Remember
Punk'd?
how duz it feel?

Notice the brevity, that sneaky rhyme ("bro" and "show") appearing when you least expect it? There's no question that Sheen has been reading Dorothy Parker. Or, at the very least, somebody's been reading Parker to him. Or explaining things with an interpretive dance. But he's captured Parker's taut, acid wit, and tight, rhythmic patterns. Parker might not have used the word "barfing" back in the '30s, but if she were alive today, she'd be all over it. She'd also be 120. But we'll leave that for the math eggheads.

By the way, the enigmatic Kutcher published his own bit of verse on that selfsame day. It goes like this.

Whether it's a veiled parry to Charlie's more straight-ahead thrust is uncertain. But one thing is for sure: There's no mistaking Kutcher's poetic debt to William Carlos Williams. It's all there: the gorgeous, uncluttered natural images. The symbolism of the ham (that's Sheen, right?), and Kutcher's exquisite restraint. You might say the tweet is incomplete, because Kutcher ran out of actual words. I prefer to think that he wants us to imagine what happened after the ham was presented. He's left it up to the reader. Just like Williams used to do.

Now, in case you think that all of Charlie's poetry is merely caustic and Kutcher-cutting, think again. On January 5, the soulful Sheen reached out to his former sitcom co-star Jon Cryer. And composed this little ditty:

Yes, I know exactly what you're thinking. Charlie hasn't just been starring in a new sitcom, banging porn stars, hitting the pipe, and banging porn stars. The guy has obviously been reading E. E. Cummings, too. How could you miss the letters used instead of words. The brilliant appropriation of Cummings's lower-case style, not to mention the great 1920s poet's contempt for authority. In this case, Ashton Kutcher. And, as with Cummings, it's not just a question of remarkably deep content, but the words are arranged on the page like a painting. They're as remarkable to look at as to ponder.

Finally, you may have come to the unfair conclusion that Sheen is merely as self-absorbed as an autistic squirrel. Not true! He also makes it clear in his work that he's every bit as interested in geopolitics as the next guy. Assuming the next guy is Ashton Kutcher. Just when you think that losing his gig on Two and a Half Men is all that's obsessing him, Sheen composes this brilliant broadside about world events.

Notice how Sheen ties the political to the personal here? Comparing some Perestroika activity to the very spot where he got married? There's no question that the man's been boning up on his T.S. Eliot. I haven't figured out which part of Four Quartets this is most reminiscent of. But that's less important than Sheen's inference that Gorbachev and Reagan "did some epic." Is this referencing a political act? A sexual one? Is "did some epic" a drug reference? It's really not all that important that we know for sure. More that we need to really keep an eye on Charlie now. And no longer just for his gun-toting, hotel-trashing, spouse-abusing antics. All eyes are now on Sheen's tweets. Did I say tweets? I meant poems. This guy is really onto something. Forget the petty squabbles and the score-settling. The cat is writing a new page in Modern American Poetry. And if you're smart, you'll keep paying attention. So some day, you'll be able to tell the grandkids, "Yep. When Charlie Sheen was writing those words, kids? I was there!"