7 Safety Products (for the Incredibly Paranoid)

#3. Safe Rooms That Make the One in Panic Room Look Like a Big Pile of Shit

If you saw the film Panic Room then you probably wanted your money back. But it likely also introduced you to the concept of the super paranoid who keep high security rooms squirreled away in their homes for that one day when the shit hits the fan and the bad guys coming storming in and you can't get to your bed shotguns.

And maybe it's not just random thugs coming in to steal your shit. What if they're a team of international terrorists bringing chemical warfare or nuclear fallout with them? Well you and Jodie Foster are equally fucked, aren't you?

Through the use of some air filtration and ventilation systems you can maintain pressure to keep the bad air out and the good air in. Take that, atomic warfare! While you may have to work out the food and water issue on your own, that's really a secondary concern.

In the meantime you can consider where you want your safe room. Should it be in the center of the building, thus giving you more protection from the fallout; or near the outside, so you can conduct surveillance and keep track of how many mutants you'll have to slaughter once you leave and try to rebuild society? Decisions, decisions.

#2. Child-Sized Full Body Pandemic Coveralls

Let's face it, if it's not Ebola, SARS or Bird Flu, it's going to be something. One of these days the media will pump up a worldwide pandemic threat and for once they're going to be right, damnit!

Well thanks to the Internet, for just a little cash you can know you'll be safe the day the good Lord unleashes his pestilence into the world. Available are kits that protect from, "...Fire, Smoke, Explosion, Chemical, Biological and Nuclear hazards, as well as for SARS, Bird Flu and Equine Flu."

"Honey, do you want a clown for your birthday, or to have all of your little friends re-enact The Stand?"

#1. The Blaster Car-Mounted Flamethrower

South Africans take a slightly more hard line approach to self defense than some other nations, and when it comes to protecting your car, no measure is too extreme, even if that measure is so fucking insane that you stare in wide-eyed shocked silence, shaking your head slowly in disbelief. But if life has taught us nothing else, it's that shit that's totally insane is often effective. Or at least awesome to watch.

That brings us to the Blaster, a device that shoots jets of liquid fuel from under the doors and ignites them via a spark with the soul purpose of burning the shit out of whoever is trying to jack your Miata. Yes, the Blaster is a flamethrower for your car.

The fuel is stored in the trunk and fed through hoses to nozzles under the door. Should jacking occur, one merely has to press a button to send the potential carjacker running around screaming "Holy shit I'm on fire!" For added kicks, the system fires on both sides regardless of what side an attack is coming from, discouraging looky-loos from standing too close when a carjacking happens.

The inventor assures the world it's actually nonlethal as no one is going to stand there long enough to get roasted to death. On the other hand, he's confident the attacker will be blinded for the rest of his life, and didn't mention how it reacts to various flammable fabrics but, come on, who has time for that shit. That's what they get for trying to carjack you. Or for being in the vicinity when you accidentally hit the flamethrower button.