Reports from Valentine Michael Smith, the man from Mars.

Disaster struck the small British dependency Bermuda late Saturday when insurgents disabled critical infrastructure including the Pickled Poser, Threshcos, Square Root, Goslings warehouse and M.R. Turnips. A state of emergency has been declared.

Initially assumed to be the result of just another Belco screwup, the fires, explosions and rum thefts have now, say police, been claimed by a rogue band of accountants known as Al-Cassava.

The attacks have left Bermuda dangerously short of critical rum supplies, making the tiny nation vulnerable to civil unrest and substandard liquor.

As early shoppers queued overnight to lay their hands on the Supermarketplace’s last remaining bottles of the black stuff, staff raced to stock the shelves with newly marked-up bottles at the special price of $799.99. The policy of taking customers’ first-borns as security backfired when several parents refused to reclaim their kids.

“So far we have seen chaos, disorder and random machete attacks,” said police spokesman Ron Fullarest, “But if the rum supply is not restored, we expect to notice some downturn in usual behaviour.”

Al-Cassava claimed responsibility for the attacks in a note passed to the Regal Garotte newspaper. The group’s demands are said to include increased moped parking, a reduction in milk prices and SMS messaging that works more than 1 day in 5. They are also rumoured to have asked for broadband that is faster than other countries’ dial-up and costs less than the GDP of Costa Rica (which is a heck of a lot of bananas).

“By hitting rum supplies, this group is targeting the very heart of our society,” said government spokesman Ian Competent. “Our response must be swift and decisive: we will be implementing a range of more stringent controls on expats, accountants and other undesirables. In the long term, though, the answer must be independence and greater investment in cricket and P’s mansion.”

The spokesman said that the government does not plan to encourage reasonable milk prices, fast internet or accessible moped parking. “That would be giving in to the insurgents’ demands, and we don’t do deals with expats.”

* It’s OK, we made it up, there is no shortage. But maybe you’d better buy an extra bottle or two, just in case ;-)

This week’s recipe has been kindly supplied by the Supermarketplace on Back Street to help you use all that wonderful produce that is now available in-store.

You will need:

6 large mouldy tomatoes

1 bag shriveled carrots

½ pound festering grapes

1 bottle Black Seal rum

5 ounces furry cheddar

2 ounces New Zealand radioactive butter

½ chopped Bermuda Onion

Obscenely expensive fresh herbs

Endangered fish

1 rotten apple

As much of Dunkley’s milk as you can afford

1 shriveled lime

Take 6 large mouldy tomatoes and chop roughly. Mix with a bag of chopped, shriveled and browning carrots and the juice of ½ pound festering grapes. Simmer on low heat for 12 minutes, adding more grape juice where required.

Drink a glass of rum.

Meanwhile, grate 5 ounces of furry cheddar cheese and combine it with 2 ounces of melted New Zealand radioactive butter (must have unrealistic use-by date in 2009 – this is how to tell it from regular butter). Add half a chopped Bermuda onion (don’t worry if he squeals a little) and some obscenely expensive fresh herbs. Mix well.

Drink another glass of rum. Make it a double.

Meantime, to the simmering mouldy tomato mix, add some of the last ever local fish and a peeled grated apple (you must not use the brown, mouldy or rotten bits – set these aside). Simmer for another 9 minutes.

Stir in as much Dunkley’s whole milk as you can afford (if you are a reinsurance executive on a 7 figure salary, why not splurge and go for a whole cup).

Forget the glass and drink some rum from the bottle.

Add the grated zest of a shriveled lime and stir well. Top with the retained apple bits. Pour the mixture into the toilet (saves washing dishes) and drink the remaining rum. Get on your bike and ride to the Swizzle Inn, where they do outstanding chicken wings. Order a Swizzle to wash it down. Bake.

Total cost (not including the chicken wings, swizzle and gas): $77.81

Next week: P contributes his recipe for humble pie. You will need to buy in advance: More rum, hallucinogenic drugs, ginger beer.

Coming soon: Corporal Dutch Elm whips up his Bitter Snowflake Surprise and Michael Dumpley treats us to his magic milkshakes.

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