I’m writing this post after a fantastic weekend performing with the London Gay Men’s Chorus at our summer show, Heroes. We performed a 2 hour set at London’s Cadogan Hall covering songs by artists ranging from Bowie to Pet Shop Boys, Erasure to Mendolsshon, Bonnie Tyler to Depeche Mode and a medley of classic drag queen songs with references to Dianna Ross, Gloria Gaynor, Bette Midler, Donna Summer and Dusty Springfield. It was a marathon of a show but utterly thrilling to perform and the reaction from our audiences was amazing.

In between some of the songs we showed some short video clips where chorus members were asked to talk about what heroes mean to them and describe who their heroes are and why. I must admit, throughout the months and months of rehearsals, I never really stopped to think too much about the concept of the show, let alone who my heroes are. But now we’re in post-show glow, I thought I’d write down a few words about my heroes and what they mean to me.

One of my earliest childhood memories was in our council flat in North London, sleeping in the top bunk in the bedroom I shared with my brother. Like all young kids, I had an imaginary friend or rather, I used to imagine that Batman got into bed and slept with me. Goodness only knows where that idea came from but all I can remember is that it made me feel very safe.

If my parents had realised what I was doing they could have predicted I might grow up to be gay! I’ve had a life-long fascination with Batman ever since. I have to admit, I have a soft spot for Superman and Spiderman too! Can’t think why!!!!

For me, I think heroes are people we look up to, who give us strength in difficult times and who inspire us to be better human beings. They don’t have to be ‘super heroes’ in the comic book sense and in fact many of the ‘heroes’ chorus members spoke of were in many ways, ordinary people but who did or stood for extraordinary things.

We have a ‘meet the guys’ section on our website and for that spot I was asked the question ‘who is/are your heroes and why?’ I didn’t hesitate too much in settling on the drag queens of the Stonewall Riots, New York City, 1969 (a year before I was born).

To have been persecuted the way they were, not just by the general public but by the police for doing what?; dressing up in women’s clothes and putting on make up, is almost unthinkable in a civil society today and just plain wrong. Eventually, they decided enough is enough and they fought back, a response neither side probably ever imagined would happen. From that day forwards, the law makers and western society at large realised that ‘fags’ have a voice and they mean business.

As a 40-something gay man living in central London, I consider myself to be incredibly fortunate to have grown up in age where being gay has become more and more acceptable and although we still don’t have absolute and full equality yet with straight people, we’re in a far better position now than when I was growing up. I can generally walk hand in hand down most London streets with my partner without fear of attack, verbally or otherwise. But that’s not to say attacks aren’t possible or that they don’t occur in much the same way as other attacks on minority groups of race, faith, gender etc… In some countries, being gay remains illegal punishable by imprisonment or worse, the death penalty! It remains a sad fact of life that some people feel the need to attack what they don’t understand or fear instead of just accepting people for who they are. There is much work to do but we also have a lot to be thankful for. In the UK we can show commitment to our partners through a Civil Partnership and hopefully soon, the Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Bill will be passed so that option will be open to us as well.

So the DQs of the Stonewall Riots of 1969 in New York City are my heroes. Who are your heroes and why? And to whom are you a hero? Who would you say you inspire and why? Do you ever think of yourself as a hero?

In the past month or so, I’ve attended two funerals, both in the main, to support my partner. I knew one of the deceased but I only met her once. I didn’t know the other person, but I know her daughter, a friend of my partner. But I really wish I had known them both much better. From the tributes and eulogies read out at both services, they sounded like truly inspirational women with an immense zest for life and incredible dedication to humanity and service. So that got me thinking.

I think it’s quite natural for most people to reflect on their own life at a time of mourning. When you start to hear condensed versions of what people have achieved in their life, I know I start to think about what people might say about me at my funeral. I don’t mean to verbose or anything like that, but I put it ‘out there’ much more in the spirit of celebration, which was the sense I got of the two people whose funerals I attended.

In a former post I introduced the concept of the ribbon of life. Imagine you have a metre length piece of ribbon in your favourite colour. Now cut it at the point you think is roughly in proportion with the age you are now compared with the average age of a human these days (80) – so for example, if like me, you’re in your early forties, cut it about half way, 60, 3/4s and so on.

Now set aside the part which represents your life so far. Don’t throw it away (it’s a celebration of what you’ve achieved so far). Now, for the other portion, cut it in half again. This represents the portion of your life you spend sleeping, eating, showering – doing all the basics. Now throw that part away and consider what’s left. So again, for someone my age, you’ll be left with a piece which is about a quarter of the original. That final piece represents the rest of your life. What are you going to make of it?

I felt incredibly honoured to be at the funerals and life celebrations of these two unique and inspirational people and it has given me renewed vigour to check in with my personal mission, roles and goal. You can do anything you want with your life. Literally, anything. If you put your mind to it, very little (if anything) can stand in your way. What’s stopping you?

We all have it. You know, that inner voice that talks to us. Funnily enough, it’s usually in your own dulcet tones and as often as it helps you, don’t you find it can also hinder you too?

I’d like to share with you with what my inner voice has been saying to me recently, or rather, the conversations we’ve been having. I do realise the psychologists (and maybe even psychiatrists amongst you) might be getting a tad worried at this point, but bear with me, I’m trying to be prosaic. (Note to self – very proud of the fact I spelt psychologist and psychiatrist without needing to resort to spell-check; well done).

My inner voice keeps talking to me about ‘leadership’. You see, I’m fascinated by the concept of leadership. I love observing inspiring leaders and I’m constantly looking for and thinking of ways in which leadership qualities can be harnessed in others as well as myself. I think it’s also fair to say most of us don’t mind (or even enjoy) working for good leaders/managers. If they’re great leaders, however, then truly stunning things can happen, in my view.

Of course, most of us, when thinking of or talking about leaders tend to think of people at the heads of organisations, countries, political parties, groups we belong to etc… But what about us? What about YOU? Do you ever consider yourself to be a leader or to hold leadership qualities? Does the thought of being a leader give you a sense of excitement or does it send you running for the hills? What do you think are great leadership qualities anyway?

My observation is that in today’s ever changing economy and working environment, we all have to demonstrate leadership abilities at one time or another. That’s not to say we always have to be the one to lead from the front, chair meetings, give orders, supervise people or to be accountable even. In fact, quite the opposite really. For me, a great leader is somebody who very naturally and with good grace, stands back and lets the talent of the people around them shine through. A great leader also trusts in the people around them and believes in their gifts and strengths.

I don’t think leaders need to ‘set rules’ or tell or show people what to do. There’s no need for them to ‘control’ and yet still there are many organisations in our modern world run like hierarchical, low-trust machines, where people are seen as ‘things’ or ‘assets’ to control.

One skill for a great leader, I think, is to know what questions to ask so that people naturally feel inspired to do what they’re good at. As Dr. Stephen R Covey. said in “The 8th Habit – From Effectiveness to Greatness”, “Find your voice and inspire others to find theirs”. What does he mean by ‘voice’?

Ever heard of the ‘whole person’ paradigm? The ‘whole person’ paradigm is a very elegant concept, best shown visually. The basic notion is that to perform well, we all need to have four inter-linked facets of our being in balance; body, mind, heart and spirit. Have a look at the diagram below:

Mind; What are your strengths or talents? How is your mind stimulated? To be effective at what you do, you need to be doing something which stimulates your mind. Body; What physical needs are you serving? We all need to put food on the table right but what else do you consider essential to your physical well-being and that of your loved ones? Heart; What are you passionate about? What are your values? Spirit; What purpose or meaning are you serving? What do you consider to be the ‘right thing to do’ when it comes to your assignments? We all, ideally, need to have all of these four facets of our being in balance, tapped into and stimulated. Good leaders know how to do this, not only for others, but for themselves too.

Dr. Covey further suggests that of all the four facets mentioned above, spirit is the highest to aspire too.

Take two examples from history; Hitler and Gandhi. Both men had passion, talent and needs to service but they both had very different mindsets when it came to conscience!

People doing work which taps into their ‘whole’ being are naturally motivated and committed to give of their discretionary effort, what the HR people call ‘high staff engagement’. You only get this with high-trust cultures and such organisations need great leaders. I firmly believe though, that individuals can live by this paradigm for themselves. Imagine an organisation full of ‘whole people’ dealing with ‘whole people’. Think what it could achieve! Or what about ‘whole organisations’ dealing with ‘whole organisations’ around the world!!!

So what about you and moreover the leader in you?

As I mentioned at the start of this post, I’m increasingly finding that my inner voice is frequently pushing me to seize opportunities and to take on leadership roles in whatever circumstance I find myself, usually at work, but not always. More often than not, this is about supporting others to ‘find their voice’, being there for them, asking them the right sorts of questions so that their own natural gifts and talents are freely given. If this doesn’t sound like you then I would challenge you (nicely of course) to think again. I believe there is a ‘leader’ in every single one of us. We don’t always have to be heading up organisations or groups, but we are all capable of being human to one another and really, I think that’s all leadership is about.

To finish this post, here are a couple of images which I think elegantly convey what leadership means to me, both personally and as part of a team, and neither of these images suggest to me ‘being at the helm’. Do you think the people at the top of these colourful blocks have found their ‘voice’?

I’d love to know what you think and in particular, who or what inspires you and what do you consider to be great leadership qualities?

One of the themes of my blog is about connection. The title of this post is “ever thought about life coaching?”. The reason for it is that I have, for some years now, been using and helping other people through coaching.

I first saw a life coach about 4 years ago, somebody called Amanda Rogers. I saw Amanda for (I think) 6 sessions because at the time, I had been through some difficult personal and health related issues. But moreover, I had a yearning inside me to progress in life, be the best I could be and understand more about the way I think and get through life. I shared some very personal information with Amanda and I had to her some things I had done which I wasn’t proud of but reflecting back on them, they were very human things to do.

The purpose of a ‘coach’, if you’re not familiar with the concept, is to connect with you and provide a ‘sounding board’ to help you resolve problems and issues for yourself. There are different styles of coaching but generally speaking, results are achieved by asking you the right sorts of questions and getting you to think through options for resolving some of life’s tricky issues. What coaches generally won’t do (and as a coach myself, it’s a style I prefer NOT to use) is TELL or ADVISE people what they should do. As soon as you do this, the person being coached (the coachee), has less motivation or ownership in resolving whatever it is they are being coached on.

I think that one of the most humbling and gracious things we can ever do for another human being is to completely give ourselves over to another in order to fully listen and engage with whatever it is that’s troubling them. It’s one thing to listen by just being there and I’m sure we’ve all been there when a friend in need has called on us and asked for ‘a shoulder to cry on’ or to sound off about a niggling issue. But (and here’s the difference), to do so in a way whereby you can gently and purposefully talk them through their problem towards a solution (which they will determine for themselves) by asking great questions is one of the most amazing gifts another human being can give another. Those of you who’ve ever been coached professionally will know exactly what I mean.

Does it work with loved ones? Mmm – that’s a tricky one. In my experience, one needs to be a bit careful trying to ‘coach’ somebody close to you. On a day to day basis, that “how was your day dear” conversation at the end of a hard day is sometimes a game that needs careful playing. I naturally want to coach my partner if they tell me that their boss has been moody today or said something to upset them. But there are skills I have learned through coaching and also Dr. Covey’s work mentioned here in earlier posts that can help, for example, truly empathic listening i.e. seeking to understand BEFORE being understood.

Coaching has helped me on many occasions and I get the greatest buzz from coaching others. It’s a fabulous way to connect and services many of the innate needs and desires in us as human beings. If you haven’t thought about it and are curious to learn more and what it can do for you, I would thoroughly encourage you to take a look. Oh and if you live in north London/Hertfordshire and are interested in connecting with Amanda Rogers, then she can be contacted at amandarogers@rippleeffect.uk.com. I can’t recommend her enough.

I’m also keen to hear back from you, especially your ‘coaching’ stories. Have you been coached? What was it like? What benefits did you derive from the process and would you recommend it to others? Can you recommend any great coaches? Please feel free to leave a comment.

Sorry, it’s been a while since I blogged. Note to self; be seriously more disciplined about blogging than you have until now. I said I shall try and blog once a month and that’s precisely what I shall endeavour to do from now on. So sorry ’bout that.

So, what’s been happening? Well, I have a partner, Lee. It’s been a year of significant change, for both of us actually. It’s been very positive and we’re both very happy. Work has been great too. What’s been really interesting is seeing how, when you take control of your actions and behaviours and how when you set your mind to bringing about change, it slowly and surely takes shape.

You’ll recall my previous blogs were all about the “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” and I had taken you through the ‘Private Victory’. I would say that is what has happened to me in as much as I have really understood and lived by the ‘Private Victory’ which is reaping benefits in all facets of my life and relationships. If you’ve no idea what I’m talking about, I invite you to have a quick read through my previous posts.

I’ve also started to see significant change and progression in the ‘Public Victory’, that is to say the way in which I build relationships and inter-dependence with others around me. This includes both family, friends and work colleagues. The net result is I feel more connected than ever, trusted, respected and significantly for me, I feel as if I’m making a valuable contribution in both my work and personal life. I have to say it feels good and has almost crept up on without knowing it, even though I know I have put in a considerable amount of effort. Not that it’s felt like that. It’s true what you hear and read about change. By making small and incremental changes, you can slowly change your life and take it in the direction you want to. Remember ‘Habit 1 – Be Proactive’?

I won’t dwell too much more on the “7 Habits”. The material is out there for anyone who wants to participate; the book, the audio, the courses etc… What I will say is that the second half of the “7 Habits”, the ‘Public Victory’, can be transformational. Habit 4, the “Think Win-Win” mindset, Habit 5 (my personal favourite) “Seek first to understand and then to be understood” is incredibly simple in it’s concept but harder to live by day to day. Master it though and your relationships will be transformed, I promise.

Habit 6 “Synergise” is a little tricky in both concept and mastery but basically, the idea is that we value and embrace diversity and work together to create something neither side (or party) to a transaction/debate whatever could ever have dreamt of. It’s NOT about compromise because with that, someone always has to give a little (or a lot) and can still feel hard done by. Synergy (in the true sense of the word, not as it’s used in corporate-speak) is truly transformational stuff. It can build strong and lasting friendships and relationships, beyond your wildest dreams. I would heartily encourage you to look into this more deeply and I’m bound to say you can do worse than explore Dr. Covey’s work in either the “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” or his follow up work, “The 3rd Alternative”, something I’m currently reading.

One final word for now. Connection. I mentioned in my earlier blogs the value of connection. I have really come to learn a huge amount about myself this past year or so and how vital connection and love are for all of us. Family, friends, loved ones are so important to our health and well being in all facets of life. Treasure the here and now and treasure those whom you love and hold dearest. If you’re not seeing eye to eye, take a breath and have a vision of how you can work through your differences and problems. I promise you, it will get you both to a much better place in your life and you will both grow much, much stronger. It takes time, but it is worth it.

This will be a fairly short blog. For those who’ve just jumped on board, welcome and for those who’ve been following a while, hello and hope things are good with you. This blog is all about change from within i.e. if you want something to change in your life, it’s an inside-out process and you need to make choices which will bring about the change you desire. I’ve been talking about “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R Covey and so far my blogs have covered Habits 1-3, otherwise known as the ‘Private Victory.’ For more about what this means, please read my previous blogs for a full explanation but I will briefly summarise the concept here for you.

The 7 Habits themselves are a personal and professional development journey. Covey presents them in the context of a growth in maturity or “maturity continuum”. There are two key stages in the overall process; first comes the “private victory” or self-mastery part where you learn and grow taking yourself from a state of ‘dependence’ to a state of ‘independence.’ In the second stage, known as the “public victory”, you take yourself from independence to a state of ‘inter-dependence’ i.e. you learn how to build trusting relationships with others in order to get consistently better results all the time. This short blog will look at the transitionary stage between these two phases which Covey calls “The Emotional Bank Account (EBA).”

The EBA is a really neat concept although I have to be honest and say it took me a little while to grasp. The basic idea is this. Just like a bank account, you make deposits and withdrawals. If you work on the premise that most bank accounts are there to provide you with funds which grown and mature, the same analogy could apply to building relationships with other people. In this sense, I actually started to think of it more like an Emotional ‘Savings’ Account and something into which you invest. So as not to confuse the issue, I’ll stick with the EBA analogy.

The EBA is a metaphor for the amount of trust that exists in a relationship. Deposits into the EBA are good things like listening to someone at a time of high emotion, being loyal to someone who is not with you at the time, saying sorry even if you think you’re right, keeping promises…you get the idea.

Withdrawals from the EBA are negative behaviours such as making assumptions about someone or a situation, breaking promises, being disrespectful or rude, being proud and arrogant, taking revenge and holding grudges…you get the picture.

Now, the important thing to understand is that what might be a deposit for someone, could be a withdrawal for someone else. Suppose you’d arranged to have dinner with your best friend and this is something you’ve been looking forward to for many weeks and at the last minute, you get a text from your friend saying that they’re sorry but they can’t make it (no reasons given at this point). What would this be for you? A withdrawal? Or would you want to know more before you make a decision? Would you be concerned (potentially a deposit)? For me, I’m the sort of person who would wonder what was behind it and I’d be concerned that my friend was in trouble. So I’d probably call to find out what’s up before I decide if I should feel an emotion, whatever that might be. You may react differently and in different circumstances.

Now think about a relationship, maybe a colleague or loved one, where things might be tense. When was the last time you stopped to consider things from their point of view, their frame of reference, their ‘paradigm’?

I’ll share a quick story with you which relates to a colleague from a supplier I work with. He and I just weren’t seeing eye to eye. He wound me up and I’m sure I did him. I would often feel that whatever he said he was always out to ‘trip me up’ or ‘get one over’ on me and my organisation. At times, I thought he was just darn right rude. I never even stopped to consider why he would behave that way towards me. Until a colleague pointed out to me how I behaved towards him. I was (frankly) arrogant and came across as ‘I know best’. If any of you know anything about Myers Briggs Personality Type profiling I’m an ISFJ which means I naturally tend towards judging others!!! So no surprise we weren’t getting on then.

To cut a long story short, once I learned about the EBA, I offered to take him to lunch and apologise. I explained I could see how I was wrong to behave the way I had and could we start again. He was shocked and I was embarrassed. He was suspicious at first but was gracious enough to give me the benefit of the doubt and whilst our relationship isn’t perfect by any means now, it’s certainly a lot better than it was. These things take time, but it is a start.

Covey suggests that for a good EBA you need to make 5 deposits for every 1 withdrawal. Remember one persons ‘currency’ may be different i.e. what could be a deposit to you might be a withdrawal to another. Finally, remember that small deposits over a period of time make up large bank balances or ‘tidy savings’!

So when you go home tonight and see or talk to someone you care about or with whom you wish to build a relationship, make a deposit or two and watch what happens!

In the next blog, we’ll start looking at the ‘public victory’ and Habit 4 which is called ‘Think win-win’.

This is the next blog looking at Stephen R Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” which is something I’ve been exposed to over the past few years and it’s having a very positive impact on my life. If you’ve been following my blog until now, you’ll already know something about this seminal work.

This time we’ll be looking at Habits 2 and 3 which complete the Private Victory i.e. the ‘self-mastery’ part. These two habits are quite polarised in their ‘tone’ (in my view) but are vitally important.

I love Habit 2 “Begin with the End in Mind” because of its poignancy. When we did this on the programme, we were all bowled over by its intensity and reflective nature. It’s the habit of vision and hooks you in to your life’s meaning and purpose. I’m quite a spiritual person, so this sort of stuff sits well with me.

OK, imagine you have a length of velvet ribbon in your favourite colour, about 3 metres long. At one end is your younger self and at the other is you on your 80th birthday. You’re holding this ribbon nice and tight so you can see it stretched out in front of you. Think of this as the ribbon of your life! Now, imagine cutting it at the point of your age now. For example, if you’re 40ish (like me), cut the ribbon half way along. Set aside the bit that represents your life until this point. I say set aside, not because it should be forgotten (it should be celebrated) but your focus from now on is the remainder of your life. Now of what’s left of the ribbon, cut about a third and set that aside too; that represents you asleep. Finally, of the piece that’s left, cut off what you think represents all the things you do just to function, like eating, washing etc… The piece of ribbon you’re left with after that represents the rest of your life. What will you do with it? It should include whatever you do to fulfil your meaning and purpose. It doesn’t have to include work per se, but for most people, it will be a significant chunk of time.

Habit 2 – Begin with the End in Mind gets you to think about your roles and goals and encourages you to write your own Personal Mission Statement. It’s an incredibly powerful and sometimes emotional process; I certainly found it to be so when I did it. It’s a very personal thing and once you’re happy with it, can guide you through almost everything you do in life from now on.

To help you along, I don’t mind sharing mine with you. It is still being refined and updated but you’re encouraged to review this every time you plan your week. Like a compass, it gives you direction. So here goes, my Personal Mission Statement:

I want to be an inspiration to others and an agent of change. I would like to be thought of as somebody who is caring, empathic, supportive, fun, dependable, fair, honest, open, a role model and a great listener.

In my roles as Partner, Son, Brother, Uncle, leader, manager, coach, mentor and friend, I want to be one of the people (if not THE person) to whom people turn for support in times of need.

When I die, I want to be remembered as somebody who brought a great deal of joy, love, friendship and support to the lives of those who knew me as well as some who didn’t.

There’s more to Habit 2 than this and really this blog is intended to whet your appetite rather than try and summarise each habit fully, so I’ll leave this there for now. But I would encourage to you think about your roles and what sort of legacy you’d like to leave. Like I say, it’s very powerful stuff!!

OK onto Habit 3 which is more business-focussed and is about managing your time with integrity and execution. To kick things off, there’s a great quote by Johann Goethe which is “Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.”
There’s a lot of material in Habit 3 so I’ll focus on just the key points but this was the most useful habit for me and possibly the steepest learning curve!!! Covey uses a simple time matrix model which I’ve illustrated below:

Broadly speaking, Covey suggests you can split your time into things which are urgent and important or not. Using the matrix concept, things which are urgent and important are in Quadrant 1 and typically include deadlines, last minute tasks, emergencies, unplanned events etc.. This is known as the quadrant of necessity. Some of us feel we are in this quadrant a lot of the time and it can very de-motivating to have to be driven by these tasks a great deal of the time.

We’ll come back to Q2 in a bit.

Q3 tasks tend to be driven by other people so these are things which are NOT important to YOU but which are made urgent by others e.g. your manager giving you a task which is high on their priority list, but not yours. This is called the quadrant of deception! These are sometimes difficult to manage but you should be saying ‘no’ to these tasks as much as possible.

Q4 stuff is the quadrant of waste and excess and includes things we know we shouldn’t be doing but because we lose focus we end up doing them e.g. spending hours on Facebook or watching bad television with a pile of ironing staring at us (just like it is right now I might add)!

Q2 tasks are not urgent but ARE important and by this we mean they reflect your mission, roles and goals that you developed as part of Habit 2. Effective people live in this quadrant as much as possible. This is where you plan, prepare, learn and nurture your knowledge, skills and soul!!! It is sometimes hard to be here when Q4 tasks look enticing, but you will be much more effective in your work and life generally by thinking Q2 as much as possible. It also gives you time to cope with Q1 tasks as they arise, thus making you’re a very effective person to be around.

Using these principles and in defining your mission, roles and goals on a monthly, weekly and daily basis, you identify the most effective way to manage your time, with integrity. The programme takes you through this in more detail on a practical basis and I don’t propose to do that here since there are many systems to talk about. But, however you manage your time, be it a paper diary, specialised system such as Filofax or with technology, the most important things to remember are that it should be one system i.e. integrated, mobile and personalised. For example, I have a BlackBerry for work driven by Outlook, a PC at home and work, my own smartphone and a Tablet device. I sync my work Outlook calendar with Outlook at home, which also syncs with Google Calendars. This way I can get one central calendar with all my appointments on whichever device I am using at the time. I spend about 20 minutes each Friday planning the week ahead and I feel in control of my time, instead of at the mercy of others!

That’s all for now; in the next blog I will talk about something Covey calls the Emotional Bank Account which is the transition from private to public victory and it has totally rocked my world. You’ll love it; I promise.