John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

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Ask The Grief Experts

Telling children the truth about suicide of a parent — difficult but essential. (Published 7/19/2016)

Q:

How and when do I truthfully answer questions from my grandson, age 9, about how his dad died? My son, physically sick, took his life (suicide) two years ago. His ex-wife — my grandson's mother — doesn't want him to know the truth. He thinks it was an "accident." This question may never come up from me to him, but if it does, later on, how do I answer his question? I have read the children's book "My Uncle Keith Died" by Carol Ann Loehr, et. al — and that may be helpful in explaining untreated depression that leads to suicide. But, I don't know what age is appropriate, if asked, and how to answer him, should he ask me. All other family members know the truth; his mother and her family keep it a secret and lie to him about it. Your insight and experience would be valuable. And I would be grateful.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Sandra,

Thanks for your note and question.

One of the dangers of withholding information from children is that when they find out they were lied to or deceived, it can break much of the trust they have for others — and especially for parents, grandparents, and other close relatives.

One of the worst things is when a child finds out from a schoolmate or other person. And that happens all the time.

With that in mind, we’re not fans of anything less than the truth. That of course doesn’t mean telling details that would be beyond the understanding of very young children, but it does mean not out-and-out lying.

If they’re too young to understand either the concept of death or the meaning of suicide, you don’t hurt them with that information. And later, when they finally put it together, you won’t have lied to them.

The other sticky wicket here is that as a grandparent you are somewhat obliged to honor what your ex-daughter-in-law wants done, even if it conflicts with your reality and truth.

And then another issue is the relative maturity of your grandson. Not all 9-year-olds are the same, so his individuality and perception will be part of what dictates what you say to him in terms of details.

One of the things we mention in our book, When Children Grieve, is that if a child can ask a good question, they deserve an honest answer.

Since he was seven when his dad died, you have the cover of his younger age to now tell him the truth. Gently, and at first without details, i.e., a gun, pills, etc. But, you probably need to clear it with his mom.

You have my permission to show her my response here.

As to the book that explains depression, I’m not sure that your grandson would need to have a technical explanation of the possible cause of his dad’s suicide — not at this point. First he would need to know that it was a suicide, and perhaps when he’s a little older, he might want to know why. Please understand, for you, for his ex-wife, and eventually for his son, knowing why doesn't fix your broken hearts.

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