How to Push Back Against Birth-Shaming Mean Girls

A few months ago, I was sitting at a restaurant, having dinner with an old friend who was eight months pregnant. Like many moms-to-be, she was struggling with the pressure to give birth naturally, even though her intuition (and her doctor) said it was fine to do otherwise—and anticipating the guilt that would come with any choice other than a nonsurgical, epidural-free delivery.

"I don't get it," she said. "Isn't choosing to not be in pain actually the most feminist thing of all?"

I'd never thought about childbirth in quite that way, but the moment was enlightening. In the years that followed the arrival of my son, I'd been the awkward woman out as friends and strangers conversed openly about their birth stories, which usually included such things like squatting their baby out in a tub. When eyes turn to me in situations like this, I usually pretend to get an urgent text or suddenly proclaim I have a burning desire to pee, and hide in the bathroom until they'd safely moved to another topic.

Truth is, I had about the least "natural" childbirth imaginable. I had a high-risk pregnancy due to a platelet condition that worsened. My "birth story" included such glamorous earth-mama moments such as getting wheeled into surgery on a stretcher and a blurry vision of the anesthesiologist before I woke up in recovery, with my husband showing me a picture of my son on his iPhone. After three days in the hospital, we all went home, safe and alive. If I hadn’t been pressured to think there should have been something more, I probably wouldn't have thought twice about it.

Bizarrely, the way in which I gave birth has come up since my son was born—and it hasn't been looked upon favorably. While I usually try to duck the topic, I've had to talk about it on occasion. Even after I've explained to people that my doctors thought giving birth vaginally could cause me (and maybe the baby) to bleed to death, some of them have said that I still should consider a midwife for my next childbirth experience because the doctors are probably lying to me.

I even had someone at my son's old daycare—which I left—suggest that my son was getting sick frequently because he didn’t get antibodies from a vaginal birth.

There's been an increasing pressure on women to have a "natural" childbirth, which is stressing a lot of moms-to-be out. Granted, this isn't the mind-set carried by all natural childbirth fans, but it has become a growing consensus.

The problem with all this, as obstetrician Amy Tuteur, M.D., points out in her new book, Push Back: Guilt in the Age of Natural Parenting, is that none of this obsession is really about what's best for baby.

"It was never really about baby," she says. "It's always about women, and the image they wish to project." While an unmedicated birth or epidural is wonderful if it's your choice, some women are trying to bully others into doing the same, both in person and online.

Alicia Ybarbo and Mary Ann Zoellner, two of the authors of the hilarious, honest guide to motherhood Shtty Mom for All Seasons: Half-Assing It All Year Long*, agree. "[The Internet] has given people freedom to bring out their inner b-tchy," says Zoellner.

Erica Chidi Cohen, a Los Angeles-based doula with a book coming out this fall on a "gentle and nurturing approach" to pregnancy and early motherhood, says the way in which you give birth ultimately should be the mother's decision—and hers alone. "It's really about meeting women where they are at and doing the least amount of harm possible," she says. She puts more emphasis on the mother's well-being and emotional state then ticking off some boxes. She doesn't even believe in "birth plans," something very common in the doula community, because it usually leads to disappointment.

"I think if we force women to attach themselves to a certain style of birth, it's dividing us," says Chidi Cohen, "and you are being forced into a camp during a time in your life when you are super vulnerable." It also doesn't extend to the many ways that women—and men—end up becoming parents, be it through adoption, marriage, surrogacy, or any number of means.

So what can we do to combat all the pressure, and tune into what's right for us—whether it be a C-section, epidural, or medication-free birth?

Ignore, ignore, ignore. "Get offline," says Zoellner. "Especially if people are bullying you and giving you a hard time for your choices. Ignore them, because you are never going to change everybody's mind." And while there is some good to be found on the Web, know that a lot of it is theater that can impede your own gut. "The advent of social media has been very helpful for women interested in choice," says Chidi Cohen. "It's great you can scroll through and be like, 'oh what's a homebirth, what's a doula?' That's all fine. But there is a modicum of pageantry in a certain type of birthing experience. Your intuition is trying to come through, and if you are constantly flooding your mind, it can be hard to hear your own voice."

Put the focus back on the baby – and yourself – and not trends. If someone asks you about the way in which you gave birth, Dr. Tuteur recommends saying "I had a baby. Not a birth experience." Chidi Cohen advises women who encounter questions and pressure about their birth to graciously acknowledge the other woman's decisions, but then quickly state that those aren't necessarily the right choices for them. "It's a way to be strong, but not offensive," she says.

Push back. Show them just how personal a question about birth actually is. "One of my readers said to me," recalls Dr. Tuteur, "when people ask her, 'epidural or natural, or vaginal or C Section?' she responds, 'pads or tampons?'" I.e., it's no one's business but your own.

Look for friends and pregnancy support that is likeminded. Not a troupe of women who make you feel bullied. "Get on a List Serv with moms that are in same boat," says Zoellner. "Reach out and make mom friends." But the right ones, who don't judge you for your choices.

If all else fails, laugh. "There are so many sh*tty mom moments we go through in a day," says Ybarbo. "I know that humor helps us."