John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

“…And I Forgive You So I Can Be Free”—a phrase can save your emotional life. (Published 5-15-2012)

Q:

My husband of 20 years died unexpectedly 10 weeks ago today. He was only 45, the love of my life and my best friend. He was due to be released from the hospital and something happened. There was an inaccurate reading of his tests and his fatal condition was overlooked and he died the next day. It's difficult enough just losing him. Me and our son are having a terrible time coping with the loss and the anger from this "mistake" that led to his death. What do we do to get past the anger? We grieve and then we're hurt and angry... it's an emotional roller coaster. Why do I still feel in the back of my mind that I can have someone "fix it"? To call it an error or mistake is offensive to me. You can fix errors and mistakes usually. I'm an adult and can't filter all these emotions, so I'm extremely worried about my 14 year old son.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Donna,

Thanks for your note and questions.

As you already know, there are no words that can adequately address the many issues that are affecting you and your son. That said, let us respond to some of the things in your note.

In our opinion, your primary issue is the fact that your husband died and your relationship with him, even though the pull back to “how he died” keeps tugging at you.

Your anger at the “mistake” is normal, natural, and understandable. But, you cannot let your anger at the hospital and the personnel involved rob you of your primary issue.

We have seen people spend decades focused on the causes and circumstances of a death, and leave their person who died totally out of the equation.

You must not let that happen to you—or to your son.

None of this is to excuse, defend, justify, or otherwise, minimize the horrific and gross fatal error made by the hospital and their personnel. That is inexcusable, period!

We are constantly called on to help people who find themselves in situations parallel to the one you are in, where the “story-line” of the death sometimes seems to trump the “heart-line” of the relationship with the person who died.

The hardest part of this note is to tell you that the first thing you must do, you may find difficult or even offensive. You must forgive the person[s] and the hospital that made the outrageous errors that led to your husband’s death, or you will continue to be drawn back to how he died rather than your broken heart over the fact that he died. If you do that, you give your emotional power away to people and organizations that don’t deserve it. Also, it's the pathway to being more focused on them than on your husband.

Forgiveness is the most difficult, least well understood, and least well taught topic in our society. In The Grief Recovery Handbook, you will find the concept and actions of forgiveness explained in ways you’ve never seen before, and you will find it very helpful. Here’s a tip, even in advance of you reading more about the topic: Even if you struggle with forgiveness, you can add a few words that help you understand who the forgiveness is for. The words are, “…and I forgive you so I can be free.”

In your situation, it will free you to do the really important work of becoming emotionally complete with your husband who died.

All the above is a preamble to your very heartfelt and legitimate concern about your son. Your son will be observing you and relying on what he sees and hears from you, as to learning what he needs to do to deal with his own broken heart. You are still his leader—and especially now that his other leader, his dad, has died—he will look to you for guidance. Being that he’s a teenager, he may not be as polite and open in asking for your guidance, but trust us when we tell you that he will be watching you.

The more you do to deal with your broken heart, and therefore the more and better you adapt to this horrific situation, the more he will want to copy the helpful things you've done for yourself. Important within all this is that you not allow him to be your caretaker. It's a dangerous and incorrect position for him, and one for which he is not qualified.

The Grief Recovery Handbook will guide you in the actions of Grief Recovery. You might also want to get a copy of When Children Grieve, our other book, which will help you guide your son. Both books are available in most libraries and bookstores.

We also wanted to comment on this part of your note: “I'm an adult and can't filter all these emotions,…” We want to acknowledge the honesty and accuracy of that statement. When your heart is broken your head doesn’t work right, and when your heart is broken, your spirit cannot soar.

With that, we believe that if you get correct and helpful information for dealing with your broken heart[s] you will be able to deal as effectively as possible with what is an impossible situation.