Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Snark Mode Activated

"Why don't you like being in photos?" I asked H, as we made our way to the S&M café last night (not as kinky as it sounds, being as it stands for Sausage & Mash). "I like being in photos."H tells me she's not keen on being in her company's 2010 calendar. It's hardly Calendar Girls, but she's not happy with it, anyway. TD also tells me she refused to go on University Challenge, even though she was asked. That's something I'd kill for, actually, but it's another of my life ambitions that will never, ever happen, seeing as how my university's selection day started this week during one of my shifts so I couldn't go (in short, I will die unfulfilled). But, anyway, I digress - why didn't either of these girls want to be seen? Because they're uncomfortable with the way they look.

I don't like the way I look either. I hate it, in fact. I've written about it before in extremely graphic detail, only it's clear that all I've done since then is put on more weight. It's clear from looking at me that I'm not even a guy with a fuller figure, even. I'm just a thin guy who got fat. That's what I am. I remember being thin and now I experience bulges where there shouldn't be bulges. I look down and I see moobs, huge thighs, and hair where there shouldn't be hair. (My hair grows very fast. I was absolutely convinced in my single days that I'd never get laid, never mind a girlfriend, because I had too much body hair. Case in point: I didn't have any facial hair three days ago, and as I write this, my beard looks like I've grown it specifically for style - it took Robinson a few months to do that - whereas the real reason I have a beard is because I didn't have any razors). I don't like my body, because I used to be tall, gangling, sweet and slightly handsome. Now I think I'm ugly.

But for all my physical flaws, I'd be all too happy to pose for a company calendar or go on University Challenge. Why? Because of my motto, temptamus delectare. "We try to please," it says, although in my case I prefer to think of it as "we aim to amuse." I know I can look like a prat sometimes, but I like that. I have no shame indulging in self-deprecation, so why should visual shame be any different? I mean, if it makes someone laugh, why not, eh?

That's how I'm trying to explain away the fact that I've put on a lot of weight. Hey, I'm sure at some point it will make someone laugh. And I'm still in a relationship and we still have sex. So that's something.

Anyway, here's a conversation I had recently (while typing this entry) with a bot who added me on MSN. I'm enjoying these.

Eliza says: hi

ILB says: Hey

Eliza says: hi how are you today?

ILB says: You're a bot.

Eliza says: my name is paris I'm doing great today I'm 21 yrs old how old are you?

ILB says: I'm four million years old. Technically. In the South American currency of your choice, bringing me up to about 10 or something.

Eliza says: listen hun, I am just about to start my webcam show with jen, come chat me there in my chat room? We can cyber, I will get naked if u do..lol!

ILB says: I'd like to, except I happen to be a largely ethereal being, so you being naked doesn't really do anything for me. You'd have to charm me spiritually and bring me back to a corporeal form, so we could even begin to cyber.

Eliza says: I can show u how to watch free if u promise not to tell anyone else how to do it???PLEASE

ILB says: I'll publish it in my next book and write a widely-read academic exposé on it. I'd strongly advise not giving me a redirect link, also, or the universe will spontaneously combust, and then it'll all be your fault.

Eliza says: well since its free the law that u gotta be 18 (nudity involved), u have to sign up with a credit card for age verification! BUT .. Once you are inside, just clikc on "Webcams" let me know what name you use to sign in with so I know it is you babe! http://www.localpartyground.com/melia/ fill out the bottom of the page then fill out the next page as well and u can see me live for free!

ILB says: Will there be Daleks?

Eliza says: Please dont mention anything about that in the chatroom once u get in ok?

ILB says: Of course not. A full-scale invasion from the legions of Skaro may not be appropriate conversation in a sex chatroom.

Eliza says: OH SHIT.. k I am late to start my show, I gotta get off msn...I will see ya inside my chatroom babe.. remember not to mention that I am upgrading u for free... You can use your msn name to sign in so i know it is you..

ILB says: Forever and ever, amen.

Eliza says: AUTO-RESPONSE: hey just in the middle of my free webcam show if you want to watch click the link http://www.localpartyground.com/melia/