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Funny satire stories about horoscopes

Aries
March 21st - April 19th
Your must win at any cost attitude must be kerbed this September, for the sake of the less violent people around you, and to help prevent the high risk levels from the 4th to the 11th, of your making yourself look a bigger prat than usual. Especially if fail to think before talking!
Your silent but deadly passing of wind, will reach new heights around the 14th,...

Bank of America, in partnership with Astrology.web, recently announced its latest initiative: the Automatic Fortune Teller Machine, which combines modern-day financial technology with age-old astrological principles. Millions of AFTMs will become ava...

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today came out with a full on assault against people who believe in horoscopes, runes, tarot cards, and what he described as 'related tomfoolery.'
"It's absolute numptyism is that," Shuttlecock told reporters. "Nobod...

Astrologists and tattoo artists are cashing in on the first innovation to their bullsh-t pseudo-science in 3,000 years, following the recent news that the traditional Zodiac schedule was changing.
Astronomer Parke Kunkle, who spent the day masturb...

So, some a--hole has decided that, because of a change in the universe, and global warming and all, the zodiacs have changed.
In fact, now there are 13 signs. This new one is called Ophiuchus, which was named for Imhotep, the guy Billy Zane played in The Mummy*. The zodiac sign for Ophiuchus is a bald snake, again patterned after Billy Zane.
Scorpio is now 6 days long, and all of the othe...

Astrologers remain divided about the increasing number of people choosing to undergo Star Sign Reassignment.
As little as ten years ago it was believed that natal charts were fixed at the time of birth, and that lives would inevitably follow the c...

By our resident astrologer, Liberty Nebulae.
You are well known for being indecisive - but you must be firm. Grab opportunity by the forelock, my lovely Libra darlings.
Yes! Smack that smart-arse get at work who keeps nicking your coffee and swans around chatting up the birds - give him a right good twatting! He's been asking for it for years, hasn't he? Didn't he blame you for that cock-up...

ASTROLOGY: Tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketi...

In a report published today, scientists based at the University of California (Los Angeles) claim that research has proven horoscopes to be accurate.
In a striking section of the 600-page document, a survey of Taurus and Gemini subjects activities...

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
So what if you're not the same level-headed person your wife said she married. Doctor Frankenstein did the best he could with what he had to work with.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Sure, proposing marriage by an airplane banner was a great idea three years ago, but "What's for supper?" is beginning to push it a bit.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Yes they call it...

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The stars see a vast change in your future as soon now, the days will grow longer, you'll begin to shed clothing and the sun will appear to be much stronger.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Although you've always claimed that your health is what really matters, you have to believe the little lady's new breast implants have made them a close second and third.
Aquar...

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Even though you and your blind date already hate each other's guts within half an hour, you' still have to do the best you can until the guide dogs get unhung.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You need to go put those back. While I realize the "Sperm" part of the Bank light was out last night, you still should have left those things there.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)...

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You'll realize by the middle of the coming week that skipping your medications was a bad idea. For one thing, the voice in your head is beginning to sound a lot less like the telephone sex lady and a lot more like Paul Harvey on speed.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Although you've never been one to believe in evolution, that orangutan at the zoo would pass for you...

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Just because one of the customers told you that you had given her back three cents too much in change for the postal stamp, doesn't mean you have to go on a killing rage and take out everybody at the post office.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
So you were all set to expose the tented seance lady, Madame Bavior and her little table rising game, but you never expected...

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you'll be sorry for laughing at those people who tried to warn you not to go to work for that chemical company, no matter how well they paid. Oh you can still laugh, but it'll be out of the other side of your face.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Even though the doctor's report on your feces specimen will turn your hair white, you can take comfort in the fa...

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you will not only confirm the saying, "He who smelt it, dealt it" but add your own "and also felt it!"
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It would be nice to have a close friend to go places with and who would slap you on the back from time to time, like right now while you're choking on that big piece of meat.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your disagreement...

Help with an ethical matter will be forthcoming this week. Follow a friends advice regarding a moral dilemma that has been troubling you for some time. A surprise source of income could come your way.
You have discovered that a distant relative has recently been diagnosed with colon cancer and that the prognosis is poor. She is a spinster and has no close relatives. Even better she owns a four...

Maintain a positive attitude and things will naturally flow your way this week. Tell a few jokes [not the one about the baseball bat and the care home assistant], and keep things light and energetic. You will find that you can multi-task very well, and that you have the built-in ability to make everyone around you smile.
Don't shy away from things, move toward them. Put away your self-doubt th...

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