Nine responses to help you survive Liverpool winning the title

When speaking to other football fans, something is becoming increasingly obvious: we all want Liverpool to win the title, we do not want Liverpool fans to.

It all stems from that fateful night in the Atatürk Stadium in Istanbul, on 25th May 2005, but you probably don’t need me to tell you what happened, many Liverpool fans will have already done that, over and over again.

Five years on it felt like it still happened yesterday and with Liverpool in the Champions League next year, I hate to imagine what history the 10th anniversary will conjure up in their minds.

The thing is I wanted Liverpool to win the Champions League, I want Liverpool to win the Premier League but I don’t want to hear about it for the next five to ten years. So here are my responses that will help you survive Liverpool winning the title:

1. Sell your soul to the devil

More an irritation tactic, all you need to say is ‘United 20 Liverpool 19’. To complete the response start singing ‘20 times 20 times Man United, 20 times 20 times I say, 20 times 20 times Man United, Playing football the Busby way!’

The obvious drawback is you’d be selling your soul to the Red Devils; perhaps best used as a last resort.

2. Are you a big team?

This is my favourite by far; it’s a trap and should be used around six or seven months into next season. Simply ask ‘are you a big team?’

If they say ‘Yes’

Mention how you didn’t hear too many United fans going on about the title at this point last season. Come to think of it Chelsea fans don’t seem too fixated on the Champions League win still *insert any other relevant reference* So if you are a big club, why do you keep clinging onto last season?

If they say ‘No’

Happy days! You can then congratulate them and say it is great to see ‘small horses’ sometimes getting their way – like Liverpool, Wigan, Birmingham and Pompey – it gives us all hope against the big horses!

3. He is still a cheat

Suarez hasn’t been racist, hasn’t bitten anyone and was generally cleaning up his act, then this happened:

4. Congratulate them, move on

Simple but effective, i.e. ‘well done, but how will you cope this season with the added European pressures’ or ‘I know it was great to see, you must be very happy, but how will you replace an aging Stevie G?’ etc. Probably the most mature response.

5. Remind them that they didn’t have European distractions

Liverpool only played 43 games compared to Chelsea’s 57-58 and City’s 58.

6. Remind them the next game is the biggest game

A favourite for Brendan and Stevie G, they can’t have it both ways and winning the league is now in the past so leave it there, ‘got to focus on our next game’.

7. You couldn’t do it while Fergie was in charge

They never won the Premier League* whilst Fergie was about and in his prime

*They did win the old Div 1 with him there unfortunately so make sure you say Premier League not title.

8. Give them three lives

Make the rule that they can bask in the reflected glory of Liverpool winning the league three times and you will not say a thing, perhaps you’ll even give them a complimentary nod or comment in recognition of this achievement, but after that they cannot expect a such magnanimous response.

9. Unfriend them

Admittedly this is harder to do if you know them in real life.

Oh and just in case they don’t win the league (which seems impossible now) here is a little song to sing:

We fucking deserve to boast, every fan of every club gladly reminded us of not being in the Champions League, reminded us how we’ve finished 7th and 8th, how we’re NOT A BIG CLUB ANYMORE. well time its payback time bitches.
We’re the best football team in the land, yes we fucking are!

Andy and Brad that is exactly why I had to write this article! I want Liverpool to win the title, they’ve played the best football by far and Brendan is a genius, but I don’t think I’m going to be able to survive the effect it will have on Liverpool fans…

Three people on the internet certainly represent all Liverpool fans! Anyway, how are they any different to city fans a la 2012? Let them have it and stop whining about them gloating because all you so called big team fans are the same.