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How can I get my 20 month old to stop throwing tantrums after visiting with her father's mother?

My daughter's grandmother insists on giving my daughter everything she wants. Chocolate, soda, chips, snack cakes.... you name it she gives it to her. Not to mention, she lets her do anything she wants. She lets her smear food all over my home, freely go up and down the stairs and lets her play in the street. My daughter is barely 2! I have asked her to stop, I have asked her son to speak to her, and I have told her that she could not watch her anymore if the behavior continues. My daughter's dad lets his mom take my daughter while I am at work against my wishes. When I get home and try to enforce the rules of my home, my daughter throws tantrums and will not listen, this attitude lasts for two days and can be very stressful. When she has not been with her grandma she listens well, picks up her toys, feeds herself without creating chaos etc. The only solution that I can think of is to not let her grandma around her.

In addition to my question above, how can I limit visitation? I have tried to explain to her father that I do not want his mother alone with my daughter because she will not follow our rules. He (of course) is your classic momma's boy (not that I think there is anything wrong with that) but he will not confront his mother. I understand that they are close, but there has to be a tactful way for either him or me to address the situation.

When you mentioned not letting Grandma be around her I figured that was actually an option. Talk to the father and ask how does he see it as resaonble that your daughter should be allowed to act this way, smear food all over, and play in the street. Appeal to his sense of responsibility that his child will become unruly. GL

Not letting grandma see her is actually an option... I just have to convince her father. He agrees that our daughter can be unruly and he is just starting to see a pattern in the behavior, but it is a very slow going process. While I would prefer for him to address the situation (his mom has never liked me), I will be more than happy to take matters in my own hands and tell her that she cannot visit with my daughter unsupervised. Unfortunately, I have very little tact when it comes to her, and I don't want it to seem like I am being hateful or spiteful.

if all else fails get a court order. okay obviously that is a little on the extreme side..

tell them point blank to BOTH their faces that she can visit her grand child ONLY when you are present.. if they don't want to listen, he can pack his bags and she'll loose all rights to seeing her grandchild.

She's smearing food all over your home? Most parents with a child that age get the child to wash her hands and face after eating. What would she do if she did this in her home? Since your daughter knows she can get her way with grandma, she trying to see if you will do the same, she's testing you. But the fact remains, she gets two separate sets of rules, one with you and one with grandma. I your house you should make sure she follow your rules. Try separating grandma from your house. Try it with your daughter in her home. Her grandmother may act different when she is in her house. Otherwise, limit how much she sees her, and only when you ARE present.

The fact that you say..........He agrees that our daughter can be unruly and he is just starting to see a pattern in the behavior, but it is a very slow going process.................is good progress! Sit down with him and talk this over, agree to be together on this issue, and then the two of you need to sit down with his mom. Make it clear what the rules are. Tell the dad he has to back you on this when/if you all meet. I wish you all the best.