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Where Are They Now? Part V

For my favorite (and only) recurring series here on the
blog, I offer updates on former Milan players as well as when they played for
Milan. You may have previously read part I,
part
II, part
III and part
IV in earlier installments. As with those editions, some information is
factual, some is non-factual, depending on how entertaining the facts are. At a
time when we know exactly where our current Milan players are and how just painful
that knowledge is, this edition attempts to distract, deceive, and disarm even the most
depressed Milan fan. So in case you ever wondered about our former players,
here are the partially true answers to “Where are they now?”

Kevin Constant (2012-2014)

The international sex symbol and world’s hottest footballer
as voted by no one had a €7.5-8m season at Milan (or at least that's what it cost us,) then followed it up
with a “did we keep the receipt and does Genoa take returns” season. But
luckily Turkish side Trazbonspor didn’t watch that season, so they increased
his salary and welcomed him like a god, which of course, he is.

Pato (2007-2012)

After a promising career interrupted in order to bulk up for
The World’s Creepiest Coach™, Pato created a rift between future Milan CEO’s by
spurning Galliani’s affections in favor of the owner’s daughter. Moving back
home to Brazil and breaking up with her wasn’t enough to distance himself from
the circus his choice created, so he instead focused on playing football again,
now playing alongside Ballon d’Or winner Kaka at Sao Paulo.

Sebastiano Rossi
(1990-2002)

Considered by many to be Milan’s greatest keeper of the
modern era, yet also considered by the same people to be mediocre at best, he
still holds the record for the longest clean sheet streak in Serie A. After
retiring, he did work in Milan’s youth sector as part of the goalkeeping staff,
but looking at Milan’s “commitment to youth,” realized his talents would be
better off actually cleaning sheets, so took a job at a laundromat instead.

Ferdinando Coppola
(2013-2014)

Redefining the “forever on loan” concept, Coppola was
actually on the Milan books from 2006-08 and 2010-13, but spent that time
loaned to four different clubs. Originally offered to stay at Milan this season
and also help with the goalkeeping staff, when Bologna offered him the chance
to play in Serie B, he jumped. He wanted the Milan fans, for whom he is largely
unrecognizable, having never played an official match for them, to know that
his choice wasn’t personal, he just prefers Pasta Bolognese to Pasta Milanese.

Alessandro Costacurta
(1987-2007)

Another one of those mythical Milan youth products we keep
hearing about, Costacurta is considered by many to be one of the greatest
defenders of all time, having played next to the greatest in that back line. Since then, he’s had
trouble following that act in football, with a couple of brief forays into
coaching, he was rumored to be coming home to coach the reinstated Berreti
youth team this year, but like Milan’s defense since he retired, went missing.

Alberto Gilardino
(2005-2008)

The striker who is also known as “the Matri who scores”
because of his “I’ve got a hot girlfriend so I don’t need a hairstyle” hair
could simply not get enough Chinese food in Italy, so moved to Guangzhou
Evergrande this year. Some say that he simply had a height complex and didn’t
stand out enough at 1.84m (6’) in Italy, but he has quashed those rumors saying
it was definitely the Chow Mein.

José Altafini
(1958-1965)

Not content with being tied with the legendary Giuseppe
Meazza for 4th all time Serie A goalscorer, Altafini’s true calling was to be a
commentator for video games, which of course were not invented when he left
Serie A in 1976. So in the meantime, he took a day job as a football commentator,
where he is best known for coining the term “golazzo.” But in his heart, his
biggest accomplishment in life is being one of the commentators for the Italian
version of Pro Evolution Soccer.

Alessandro Matri
(2013)

Having made history as the most overrated player with the
largest waste of a transfer fee in Milan’s history, his singular goal in 6
months signified that his work there was done. So he packed up his hot WAG and
now has a travelling circus act, going from club to club on loan while Milan still
pay off his €11m Man™ transfer fee. This summer, he also indulged in skin
cancer research, in the beach office. As a striker, his only claim to fame is
inspiring Gilardino’s hair.

Dejan Savićević
(1992-1998)

After retiring from football, Savicevic coached his national
team for two years. Not content with just coaching, though, he became the
president of the Montenegrin Football Association, where he has served for ten
years. Of his choice to return home versus perhaps pursuing a post-football
career in Italy, he explained that his obscenity-laced tirades were more
well-received where people actually understood what he was saying. His hobbies
include cursing, cursing at people, and cursing at random people on the street
for no apparent reason.

Robinho (2010-2014)

One of Pelé’s heirs, as dubbed such by the legend when
Robinho was merely 15 years old, Robinho instead chose a career in the
sciences, being one of the first footballers to moonlight for NASA, launching
balls into space for the organization in every Milan appearance. But as fans’
commitment to science waned in favor of “winning,” Robinho spent two years
shopping for a Brazilian club who would pay for his kids’ college tuition,
homes, and startup businesses. Once he dropped the last stipulation, Santos
took him on loan this summer. NASA has relocated its satellites accordingly.

*Names and dates are Wikipedia level accurate, other information
obtained from sources such as a flying purple unicorn, a goal-scoring Matri, Milan’s “commitment to
youth,” and other fictions of my imagination.