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Should You Go on a Wife Strike?

Should You Go on a Wife Strike?

The extreme step one woman took could help you avoid divorce and rebalance your relationship.

By Nicole Yorio

After 13 years of being her family's cook, maid, and chauffeur (you
know, in addition to her full-time job), Sherri Mills was seething. But
instead of freaking out — or walking out — she went on strike! And for
Mills, the author of the new book I Almost Divorced My Husband But I Went on Strike Instead, it had a big payoff:

How did you get to that point?
When
I first got married, I didn't mind being the one to clean and cook. But
once we had two kids, I needed help. I'd ask my husband, Gerald, to do
the dishes or fold the laundry, and he would say yes but would never do
it. The resentment got worse every year. Finally, I snapped. I was
fixing dinner, and I asked our two kids, then 11 and 12, to run down the
street and pick up an ingredient. They came back empty-handed. I was
angry, but Gerald defended them. That was it. I announced, "Not only am I
not cooking dinner, but I am officially on strike."

How did you think up the idea?
I considered divorce — I was that
unhappy — but I didn't want to put our family through that. Gerald
works at a factory and he handles union contracts. I read one of his
contracts and wrote one for myself modeled after it. I made a list of 70
chores that I did regularly and demanded that he check off 35 that he
would take over. I listed other terms too, like, "When the female
householder is ill, all duties will be taken over by the male."

And how did he react?
That
first night, he cooked dinner — the first time in 13 years! I think he
wanted to prove that it was easy. But by night three, he told me I
couldn't force him to take over everything. I stood firm and
said, "No, I can't force you. But I'm not lifting a finger." From then
on, I would eat the dinner he made, leave my plate on the table, and
watch TV as he cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, and helped the kids. It
was hard not to cave, but after two weeks, Gerald said to me, "I'm
exhausted, but I can't complain. You have been doing this for all these
years. We need a change."

How did it affect your marriage?
He
gained a new respect for me, and now I have a husband I don't resent.
Gerald never went back to his old ways — I'll come home from work and
he'll be shining the floors or ironing. I can't believe he's the same
man I married! I read that people who share chores have better sex — and
we're proof: Our sex life is hotter than ever. I used to blame Gerald,
but truthfully, I should never have allowed things to get so bad. My
original contract called for a 50-50 division of chores, but I know that
it won't be that way all the time. It doesn't really matter who does
what, as long as both people are working toward the same goal.

I did this way earlier on in our marriage --like 4 months in-- because although I'm sure it was convenient and fun for him to lay around on the couch after he got home from work 2 hours before me, it wasn't so thrilling for me.

Without making a single statement on the subject, I quit. I just stopped doing everything for 'us' and for 'him' and started doing what he was doing: eating snacks when I get hungry, watching tv, waiting for the laundry to do itself or doing my own stuff only.

It seriously took almost 2 weeks solid before he noticed. When he said 'why aren't you making me something to eat?' I asked why he hadn't made me anything to eat, since he'd been home for 2 hours longer and had clearly already eaten.

Every time the subject came up for the next several days, when I'd not done something for a long time, or only done something for me, the answer was always the same: why didn't you? Very slowly, it seemed to dawn on him that it was a little irrational for him to feed himself when he was hungry, do enough dishes for him to eat off of, wash his own clothes... and never mine, but expected me to do it for both of us whenever I did it.

I never said a word. I never 'laid down the law' or made any unilateral 'thou shalt' noises that made it sound like I was in any way the Boss of the House... and somehow dishes and laundry and even meals started being made by the person who was available, noticed first, etc. Magical.

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