LaRosa's Sweet Spot: Apr 27, 2011

No sooner did I write about catfights then another one broke out in the tennis world. Donald Young took to Twitter to hiss the F bomb at the USTA, and in response Patrick McEnroe held a press call that amounted to 45 minutes of Oh No You Di’int! Meanwhile the media fanned the flames like that instigating girl you wanted to smack the pancake make-up off of in high school. Well the Don apologized and thank God, now we can all go on with our lives (if we even remember what life was like before That Tweet).

While I didn’t buy the apology for a second (there’s just too much water under this bridge), it did make me yearn for other apologies that, while perhaps equally unbelievable, might allow me to get past wrongs that continue to stink up my tennis experience. And since the following people seem wholly incapable of saying sorry themselves, I’ve scripted their apologies for them as a model. Or hey, just sign and date!

* I seriously cannot step off a court without hearing other players say what a monster I am to play. Svetlana Kuznetsova, Andrea Petkovic, Anne Keothavong, Li Na… They’re sort of well known for being stand-up chicks, so clearly I’m the problem. I’ll get with a sports psychologist and figure out a better way to win. In the meantime, I am truly sorry. – ANASTASIA RODIONOVA

* You think I don’t know I go to town on these umpires? Of course I do! Sometimes there’s just cause and I won’t apologize for that. But for the times I’m just snapping in the heat of battle, when I’m frustrated at being down, when I’m taking it too far, I take full responsibility. To those umpires and my opponents just trying to play a match, I am truly sorry. – ANDY RODDICK

Donald Young has had better weeks.

* Serena, not only do I admit to poor sportsmanship in our ’03 French Open match, I am also sorry for it. While I’m at it, I’m also sorry to Amelie for marring what should otherwise have been a glorious day for her in Melbourne back in ’06. Maybe I could’ve stayed out there a few more games, but regardless, I know it sucked for you to win your first major this way, and I’m truly sorry. – JUSTINE HENIN

* I know, I know, these outbursts are old. I can’t help myself. But be honest, it’s what you come for right? It’s what you’ve always come for. I’m pretty sure. Anyway, I realize I take them light years beyond making people uncomfortable and, while I can’t promise they won’t happen again, I am truly sorry when they do. – JOHN McENROE

* Okay, I realize I’m digging a deeper and deeper hole every time I open my mouth about this HGH thing so I’m just going to shut up altogether. But before I do, let me just say in a way that will make my lawyer happy that I completely own some serious judgment flaws on this one, and while you may never trust me again, I accept that and offer my sincerest apologies for what I’ve put my fans and the sport through. – WAYNE ODESNIK

* Whether or not I did anything wrong, a man in my position probably shouldn’t be betting on a sport I’m even peripherally involved with, period. I have enough money. Sorry to the sport, and to the players who have found their names tarnished in the media as a result. It won’t happen again. – TED FORSTMANN, IMG

* Wow did pride get in the way of this one. We really didn’t want to admit we goofed with the whole on-court coaching thing, but it’s clear you all hate it. We’re so so sorry for turning two deaf ears to you and we promise to cut and run ASAP. – WTA

* Sorry for creating mountains out of molehills with this whole Donald Young thing. It was a slow week and since we know the people involved it was clearly a bigger deal to us than to you. PS, sorry for slamming bloggers. It was mean-spirited and unnecessary. – JOURNALISTS

* To all writers, photographers and all the other freelances working to fill seats and get ratings, we’re so sorry that we pay you so pathetically that you’re cannibalizing each other. We know that each and every time mind-numbing salaries for tennis federation presidents and millions in new record-breaking Grand Slam prize money is announced, a little piece of you all dies inside – the piece not on the street corner selling yourself for cash to pay your own airfare to events or to keep your utilities on. – TENNIS

* Holy Moses, we have failed you how many times in throwing you tape-delayed tennis, dumping the ends of matches to random cable channels and skipping the all-important trophy ceremonies? It’s the nature of a terrible business, please know we are well aware of it, we hate ourselves too, we’re trying to fix it and we are very very sorry. -- NETWORK TELEVISION

* Okay I never watch tennis and have no idea what looks good on a tennis court. For everything I design for the sport, I am truly sorry. – STELLA McCARTNEY

* This list is awfully subjective. Yours may be different. But these are injustices that will continue to bug me until they’re properly addressed. I’m fine with being lied to - sorry is a powerful enough word to make up for complete and total insincerity. But hey, if you mean it, all the better. In the meantime, if I’ve offended you or your favorite players, I am truly sorry. – JAMES LaROSA