Cameron to announce new war in the Falklands tomorrow in Commons statement

The Prime Minister is to announce to MPs in Parliament tomorrow that he’s “just found out some shit is going down in the Falklands again.”

The announcement comes after a trying week for the Conservative leader, which has seen him face calls for his resignation and a damaging crisis of credibility after it was revealed he still relies on his mother for money.

“But I’ve already spent my allowance this week.”

“We have to go back in and finished what we started,” Cameron is set to say in tomorrow’s Commons statement. “I can’t believe the Argies thought they could get away with it.”

Ground troops, the Royal Navy and the RAF are on stand-by, awaiting authorisation from the PM for a new Falklands War.

Originally, tomorrow’s statement was supposed to deal with tax evasion, but a spokesperson from David Cameron’s office has said “there’s no time,” adding:

“It’s time to move on to this thing now. They’re killing babies over there. Look! Look over there!”