Global warmism enters the self-parody stage

As climate change warms the nation, giant Burmese pythons could colonize one-third of the USA, from San Francisco across the Southwest, Texas and the South and up north along the Virginia coast, according to U.S. Geological Survey maps released Wednesday.

The pythons can be 20 feet long and 250 pounds. They are highly adaptable to new environments.

Just yesterday I watched part of a National Geographic channel program that made the case for global warming being the cause of the next ice age. This is the narrative branch where melting ice caps flood the oceans with fresh water that causes the “ocean conveyor” (which in turn keeps warm air circulating to northern latitudes in Europe) to shut down, thus resulting in a rapid and dramatic ice up of the northern hemisphere. Even the IPCC refuses to latch onto that scenario (it remains stuck on rising sea levels). So why is the National Geographic channel still promoting it as a likely outcome? The short answer is “why not?”

Anyway, forget about that, there are the pythons to start worrying about. We’ve got to find a way to protect them from human predation as they spread across the U.S. It’s obvious that a law is needed, now, to thwart the threat to them from pythonophobic people, but what else can we do?

Once upon a time I wrote a couple of these things that were popular with young readers called “branching books,” where “you” were the detective, or the explorer, or whatever. Global warming reminds me of those. You begin with the premise of global warming and then let the reader make choices between different narrative paths that go in all sorts of directions. In other words, global warming causes everything. In the “branching book” of “climate change” there is no effect for which global warming is not the cause.

Despite having hundreds of sonar contacts over the years, the trail has since gone cold and Rines believes that Nessie may be dead, a victim of global warming.

You know, now I feel guilty that I never took the threat seriously before. Nessie? Dead? From global warming? I haven’t been this distraught since Dr. Moriarity killed (and perhaps sodomized, but in what order?) Holmes.