Yesterday, I had what may have been the most exciting pudding of my life so far. What’s more, it’s a pudding I’ve longed to try for years: the Dessert Pizza.

Ever since I spotted a chocolate pizza on the shelves of Boots – many Christmasses ago – the concept was firmly lodged in my head. A doughy base with a tasty sweet topping? Who on earth wouldn’t want that?!

The Boots pizza was not exactly what I had in mind. In their version, the whole thing was made of solid chocolate, with sweets and shavings scattered all over the top. What I wanted was a genuine bonafide pizza – not just an oversized chocolate button.

So praise the Lord for Hell Pizza – the Dark Lord, the Light Lord, whoever. For it was due to this wonderful establishment, just up from Clapham Junction, that all my pizza dreams came true.

BEHOLD!

Looks like brie. Tastes like HEAVEN.

Isn’t it a marvel? That’s a thin and crispy pizza base right there, covered in chunks of apple, dried apricots, blueberries, raspberries and custard. Allegedly there was crumble there too, but I can’t say I noticed the crunch. Still, it didn’t matter. Because IT WAS AWESOME.

That wasn’t the only Dessert Pizza available either. Oh no. So shield your eyes and kneel to THIS!

Oops. My mouth just flooded.

Are you dribbling yet? Because you should be. What you have just witnessed is yet another glorious custard-slopped arrangement, this time dotted with berries, banana, and layered with a thin spread of chocolate.

Wowzers.

There are so many things to rave about here, I’m not quite sure where I should start… Well, let’s look at the price first: £3 for a pudding that had just been cooked to order AND was bigger than my face! Was there ever such a bargain to be found in London Town? I seriously doubt it. Not for such excellent quality, at any rate. The portions of fruit were generous and fresh (concealing at least two of my five-a-day, I’m sure). The layer of chocolate also gave the second pizza a mouth-watering depth, mixing with the custard to create a taste not unlike caramel (no wonder they call it the ‘Unearthly’).

The bases themselves were unsweetened, which I wasn’t too sure about at first. They didn’t take long to win me over, though. The toppings were deep and sweet enough without an extra smattering of sugar. Besides, the warm bready crusts were an excellent tool for mopping up all that custard.

The violent aftermath.

Ah, the custard: thick and bounteous to the extreme. The quantities were almost absurd (as you can probably tell), but I love, love, loved the mess of it all. Licking fingers, dripping on the pizza box, slurping like a pig in… a pizza shop.I was delirious. And, amazingly, despite all that custard, not utterly stuffed by the final mouthful. I couldn’t believe it. All that food and no tummy ache? Some might say it was a miracle…

Honestly though, Ogglers, what I will say is this: if this is what Hell is really like, I’ll be more than pleased to call myself a sinner. In the meantime, I fully intend to pursue a life of gluttony. Imagine the possibilities! White chocolate sauce, salted caramel, strawberries, jam, chopped nuts… If you can’t get out to Clapham (and aren’t within their delivery zone), then make some dough and get cracking. Your mouth deserves something wicked.