03/01/07: TNA Impact Recap

Cage and Tomko backstage. "Tomko you have a chance to take Samoa Joe out before he even gets to Destination X. It's a beautiful night tonight. Kinda feels like old times, like a couple of broughams hanging out. I might take you to the ballpark and buy you a hot dog. But tonight, you gotta take Joe out. I'll be there for you." Tomko: "Oh yeah, you will be huh, well I don't know what's in it for me, what's my incentive." Cage: "You want incentive I'll give it to you, you take Samoa Joe out tonight, and I'll give you a title shot." Tomko: "Now you're talking my language." Tomko walks off. Cage: "So damn selfish, I wonder where he got that from." Then we get a recap of the contract signing last week where Kurt Angle took a beating at the hands of Scott Steiner and his friends. Cue the opening music, Impact is NEXT.

Tenay says it's a six-man X Division "classic" tonight, plus Joe v. Tomko, and Big Purple Pimp Scott Steiner will be in action. Don West is freaking out about something but I can't hear it because of the pyros. Apparently there's footage from "a half hour ago" though and it's of Angle and Steiner brawling in the crowd before security comes out and pulls them apart. "UNBELIEVABLE~!" screams Don West. That sums up how I feel about most episodes of Impact. Tenay once again shills the matches tonight but now we go backstage. Cornette: "You can't go putting your hands on whoever you want. Jumping a guy in the hallway is uncalled for!" Angle: "And what he did to me last week was uncalled for." Cornette: "Don't put your hands on me! I'm not one of these flunkies around here, I'm in charge. I asked you to do one thing for me, ONE THING, and that's not screw up my television show." Angle: "You do what you have to, I'll do what I have to."

Kevin Nash brings Sonjay Dutt down to the ring with him and hands Jay Lethal a mic. The crowd starts chanting "one more time." Lethal does his impression of Macho Man and Lethal gets jumped from behind by the heels. The babyfaces turn it around and toss them all out of the ring then all three dive over the ropes to the floor as Bob Backlund looks on. Commercial break! This break includes a spot for UFC 68 - Sylvia v. Couture: The Uprising. Saturday night baby, YEAH.

Back to Impact and it's Starr in the ring trying to pin Lethal before he kicks out. Bob Backlund comes to the announce table and starts screaming at Tenay: "MR. BOB BACKLUND YOUNG MAN! Get it right the first time and we won't have to do it again." Tenay being called young man, that's rich. As Backlund screams at both of them about Austin Starr there's a clusterfuck in the ring which ends with Alex Shelley screaming "WHO'S THE MAN" at the crowd, and apparently during one of Backlund's screaming fits his partners help him double team Lethal and Shelley gets a two count. Tags are made and Senshi starts nailing Austin Starr with chops and levels him with a clothesline, then a kick to the back of Shelley's head and a series of roundhouse kicks to Starr's face before Sabin catches his leg in mid kick and gives him a cradle shock. Jerry Lynn drills him in the back of the head with a dropkick, drags him back to the center of the ring but Shelley breaks it up and hits him with sliced bread. Lethal hits him with a backbreaker, but Austin Starr hits a brainbuster and starts yelling at Bob Backlund. Senshi uses the distraction to bridge a roll-up for the pin. WINNERS: THE BABYFACES. That might have been a zillion times better if Backlund wasn't on camera the whole damn time. It's not even over yet, Backlund gets in the ring, Starr slaps him in the face, Backlund goes for the chicken wing and Starr rolls out of the ring to avoid it. Backlund offers his hand to Senshi for the handshake but Senshi bows to him instead, so Backlund rolls out of the ring to follow him and bows in return. The camera is now following Eric Young as some old-timey 1920's piano music plays and Young shows up at Brooks and Roode's hotel room, and Roode says "I own you, what I say goes" and makes him do a series of household chores. Ugh. Next Tenay shills sending a text vote to 25000 on who will take the death-defying plunge in Elevation X. Rhino: "Two stories above the ring, it's me and you AJ. It's your creation, it will be your demise. There's only one place to go, and that's down. When you look across that scaffold and staring into my eyes, I don't care if I have to destroy myself, I'll take you out with me with a GORE, GORE, GORE!!!" Commercial.

And we're back with yet another promo for Elevation X, along with Angle v. Steiner and Samoa Joe v. Christian Cage for "the most prestigious title in wrestling." That's debateable. Now a Sting promo: "Darkness or light, life or death. It's all in how you look at it. The question is how do you see it Abyss - but you only have a few days left to ponder it. At Destination X you will die, but choose light, a rebirth, the choice is yours Abyss. I'll see you at Destination X." Tenay calls it a "Last Rites Match" as we come back, then throws to J.B. backstage with Abyss, he's looking at a picture of Jim Mitchell. He gets mad starts screaming and chokes out one of the stagehands, but before we can get more of this a familiar siren hits.

* Scott Steiner v. Chase Stevens

We don't know who Steiner's facing yet because Angle runs him down before he can even get to the ring. The whole X Division gets between the two of them to break it up and Jim Cornette comes out to get in Angle's face. Angle gets loose again and charges at Steiner. Finally Angle gets escorted to the back and Steiner gives Stevens a belly to belly suplex from the top and pins him with ease, 1-2-3. WINNER: SCOTT STEINER. "Last time we were in the ring Angle I left you laying in a pool of blood with a contract shoved down your throat. I embarassed you and made a fool out of you in front of these redneck fans, your friends, but most importantly I embarassed you in front of your family. Matter of fact after the beating I gave you when you got home that night your wife told me you were only half the man you usually are. On your best day Angle you're not half the man..." and Angle charges him again to lay him out with a punch. BY GAWD IT'S A SLAWBBANACCA. Security breaks them up again and Cornette takes the mic. "Have you lost your freakin mind Angle, this whole show doesn't revolve around you, you can't do that. Angle slugs Cornette and tries to put the ankle lock on Jim Cornette but the wrestlers and officials hold him back. An irate Cornette strips his jacket off. "You tried to put the ankle lock on me, well Angle I'm the best friend you've got, all these other guys try to cut your balls off to get your spot, but you go and do that to me well to hell with you. Referees, security, get him the hell out of the building. You're a star, but you're not the whole damn show. Get him out of here!" Commercial.

After a break for Bill Goldberg's "Bullrun" we get a promo for the UFC Countdown show tomorrow night at 11 PM. We come back to Tenay saying it's an "out of control situation" and the cameras were rolling during the break. You see Don Harris getting in Angle's face and telling him to leave, and Angle keeps screaming "kiss my ass" at him. Now for an update on Wildcat Chris Harris in a backstage interview. Harris: "The doctors have told me I'm at 35%. They don't know when or if it will ever come back, they won't clear me, so TNA won't clear me. Storm by now you've learned to look over your shoulder, one way or another, I will get a piece of you. I promise you."

* Alex Shelley, Director of Paparazzi Productions

This doesn't appear to be for a match, since he was already in a match earlier. Oh wait Tenay's explaining - Shelley brought him a DVD earlier and now he's got "the biggest film in TNA history." Shelley: "From the same man, that brought you such hits as Abyss' invasion of Christian's home, I bring you Massacre in New York, I think it will make next year's Oscars. Show it!" An LAX film called "Massacre En Nueva York" starts playing where Homicide and Hernandez jump wrestling trainer Johnny Rodz in his office, they take pictures off the wall and smash them, stretch him out, pummel him with punches, and then end "LAX, Channel 5150, yeah yeah yeah!" Shelley asks the crowd what they think of that and the crowd boos. Shelley: "And now to bring out the cast, without any further adieux..." and Brother Ray interrupts: "Without further adieux, let me introduce me." Ray hits the ring. Shelley: "That wasn't what it looked like Ray, that was camera techniques, I went to film school." Ray: "Shut up right now or I'll kick your teeth in and put you through a table. Let me wipe the mascara off your face first. That made me sick." Ray slaps the mic out of his hand. "You're not gonna talk any more Alex. That was Johnny Rodz, that man was like a father to Devon. And who are you Alex, you're a nobody. Why would you hold the camera while they beat up my uncle and Johnny, what heat do we have, I don't even know who you are." Alex tries to apologize. Ray: "I can't believe what a loss of words I'm at right now. You're a bright young kid with your future ahead of you, so I don't know why you'd do that. For what reason, what reason..." and Kevin Nash comes out. "Kevin this has nothing to do with you and me, stay out of it, this has to do with your little butt buddy over here..." and before Ray can finish that thought LAX charge him in the ring. Hernandez accidentally clotheslines Homicide and Ray takes advantage, but Alex Shelley gives him a low blow and leaves LAX to pick him apart as Shelley starts on the ring apron filming. Konnan: "For all of you who don't speak spanish and you gringos will all be soon enough, I just said LAX get the tables!" Henandez throws a table in the ring and sets it up as Homicide chokes out Ray on the apron, all while Shelley continues to film. Homicide hits Ray with a slapjack in the face and Hernandez powerbombs him through the table. Konnan sits on at the entrance ramp looking proud as we get an Ultimate Fighter 5 promo and a commercial break.

A commercial for Genesis on DVD airs along with "breaking news" that Ron Killings was "injured during the filming of Rambuck." The screen is long and says something about "The Academy" but I can't read it all before we throw backstage to Samoa Joe. "Right now the inevitable is staring at you through this camera lens. All my sacrifice culminates when I take the NWA championship away from you Christian Cage. Tonight I eliminate the numbers game. Tomko the son pays for the sins of the father and tonight you WILL be broken." Abyss is freaking out so the camera man goes off Joe to go follow him, and Joe has had enough of it. He slams Abyss up against the fence and tells him enough of this crap, you're not Mitchell's puppet, you don't need him to make you feel better about what you did, get over it and MAN UP.

* Travis Tomko v. Samoa Joe

Cage is backstage attending to matters on the phone with his NWA title on his lap. Tenay: "He's going to watch every minute of this high stakes match!" Okay whatever. Tomko goes on offense to start and knocks Joe down with a boot to the face, but Joe gives him one in return and clotheslines him out of the ring. Joe charges the ropes and comes through the middle rope on the other side with a flying elbow. Backstage Cage looks concerned about it so he's headed to the ring as we head to a commercial break with Joe giving Tomko knife edge chops outside the six sides.

We're back with Tomko putting Joe in a chokehold in the center of the ring, which started with Tomko running Joe into the apron of the ring during the commercial break. Joe gets slammed and put into another chokehold, and Earl Hebner checks on Joe before he fights back up to his feet. Tomko charges him but gets an elbow a boot and a flying knee to the face, and Joe gets a two count. Joe power slams a charging Tomko after an eyepoke for another two count. Tomko reverses a whip, charges and misses, Joe kicks him in the side of the head and puts him on the ropes for a muscle buster but Cage does a run in with a chair and nails him and Tomko gets the three count. WINNER: TOMKO. Cage goes over to the announce table: "He wants this belt so bad, he's gonna see it up close and personal right now." Tomko holds up Joe but before Cage can clock him Joe kicks out and attacks both men, putting Cage in a kokina clutch before Steiner hits the ring and starts to beat down Joe. Now it's a three on one beatdown as the crowd screams "We want Angle!" Christian nails Joe with the unprettier and all of a sudden Abyss' music hits. Cage and his friends scatter as Abyss hits the ring, Tomko raises a fist and signals to him with a smile, then Abyss picks up Joe and hits the Black Hole Slam. That's where the show ends this week. Not bad for an Impact despite a few glaring flaws. We'll be back next week as usual for the ADRENALINE RUSH, ADRENALINE RUSH.