~ a body of literature

Interview with Theron Jacobs

ONCE I WAS AT AN ANNOYING PARTY FULL OF DISTASTEFUL PEOPLE AND I MEANLY STEERED EVERY CONVERSATION AROUND TO A DISCUSSION OF THE PRACTICE OF “MUNGING” SO IN THAT INSTANCE IT WAS A METAPHOR FOR “I DON’T LIKE YOU MUCH AND WISH THAT YOUR TIME BOTHERING ME MAKES YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.”

(MUNGING IS WHERE YOU PRESS ON A DEAD LADY’S BELLY TO MAKE FLUIDS RISE TO THE SURFACE AND THEN PERFORM ORAL SEX ON HER DEAD PUSSY)

BUT, GENERALLY, SPEAKING I HAVE NO IDEA HAHAHA.

I’ve heard some rumors that you are in a romantic relationship with a ghost. Is there any truth behind this?

Can you tell me about the logistics of dating a ghost? I can see hugs being difficult but the sex being amazing.

WELL, FIRST, IT’S IMPORTANT TO NOTE IM A POWERFUL MAGICIAN WITH ACCESS TO ALL SORTS OF METHODS AND TECHNIQUES UNAVAILABLE TO THE LAYMAN: RITUALS, ANCIENT HEXES AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

SECOND, IT’S JUST LIKE DATING A HUMAN EXCEPT AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT MORE THINGS ARE PROBABLY ON FIRE.

Interesting. Now, I simply must know, is it necrophilia to have sex with a ghost? Is it necrophilia to have sex with a zombie? Is it necrophilia to have sex with a vampire? Is it necrophilia if they’re alive when you start but dead when you finish?

THE ONLY TIME I FUCKED A VAMPIRE I NEVER CAME. I DON’T THINK IT COUNTS AS NECROPHILIA IF YOU DON’T COME. IM NOT A DOCTOR, THOUGH.

IM NOT A DOCTOR BUT I DID ONCE WRITE A MEDICAL TEXT BOOK. IT WAS FULL OF LIES, THOUGH.

IM NOT A DOCTOR AND I ONCE SPENT AN ENTIRE WEEK TELLING NOTHING BUT LIES. SEEMS LIKE IT’D BE EXHAUSTING BUT REALLY IT’S JUST PREVARICATIONS THAT SAP ONE’S ENERGY, THE OUTRIGHT LIE, THE OUTRAGEOUS ONES DEVELOP THEIR OWN SORT OF STRANGE, DECEITFUL MOMENTUM.
THEY CARRY THEIR OWN BURDEN, SO TO SPEAK.

I’VE NEVER FUCKED A ZOMBIE.

Here’s one that’ll really test your knowledge: is is necrophilia if you’re both dead?

OOOH YES GOOD QUESTION. ABSOLUTELY, YEAH. IT’S DOUBLE NECROPHILIA WHICH IS EXTRA ILLEGAL AND COMPLICATED, AS WELL AS LOGISTICALLY DIFFICULT. I MEAN, YOU REALLY GOTTA WANT IT. IT HAS A STRANGE BEAUTY, THOUGH. I MEAN THE SORT OF BEAUTY FOUND IN MAGNIFIED PICTURES OF POLYMOUTHED WORMS WHO LOOK LIKE THEY’RE SCREAMING ALL THE TIME AND FEED BY WIGGLING INSIDE SOMETHING LIVING AND SECURING ONTO ONE OF ITS ORGANS OR THE LAZY, SATED WAY A LION WILL SOMETIMES LOOKS AFTER A KILL, IT’S FACE ALL COVERED IN BLOOD.

I GUESS I MIGHT MEAN HORRIFYING. NOT BEAUTIFUL.

What is your opinion of sex with strangers in graveyards?

I FEEL LIKE IM IN FAVOR OF IT, GENERALLY, EVEN THOUGH I’VE ONLY HAD SEX IN GRAVEYARDS WITH PEOPLE I KNOW.

TRUE STORY: MAYBE A YEAR AGO, WHEN I WAS SINGLE, I SUGGESTED TO A GIRL I JUST MET THAT WE GO TO A GRAVEYARD AND FUCK. SHE SAID “OKAY”. SO WE DROVE TO A GRAVEYARD AND WERE BEMUSED TO DISCOVER THAT SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA CEMETERIES ARE EXTREMELY WELL PROTECTED STRUCTURES — IT HAD A 12 FOOT FENCE AND CAMERAS LINED ACROSS IT LIKE A BUNCH OF FAT MECHANICAL BIRDS STARING AT US.

SO WE DID NOT HAVE SEX IN A GRAVEYARD THAT NIGHT.

OR EVER, ACTUALLY.

How would you feel if people had sex on top of your grave? How would it compare to people dancing on your grave?

I DON’T INTEND TO BE BURIED, BUT I SUPPOSE IT MIGHT HAPPEN ON ACCIDENT ANYWAY. IM COMFORTABLE WITH PEOPLE DOING AS THEY LIKE WITH MY DEAD BODY, UP TO AND INCLUDING DANCING ON TOP OF IT.

Every human body contains atoms that originated from dead people. We all have a little Shakespeare in us. Does this mean that all sex is necrophilia?

I THINK THAT TECHNICALLY REPOSITIONS THE HUMAN ANIMAL FROM DEFINITELY ALIVE TO INSTEAD A STATE OF HALF-LIVING HALF-UNDEAD QUANTUM UNCERTAINTY. A QUICK AS YOU PLEASE ZOMBIE SICKNESS ZIPPING THROUGH OUR CORPOREAL FORM JUST FAST ENOUGH TO ESCAPE OUR MOST PROBING NOTICE — AND ANYWAY WHAT IF ALL MY ATOMS COME STRICTLY FROM OTHER BEASTS? OR LIKE ROCKS?

ALL MY ATOMS COME FROM WIGGLY ROCKS, YEAH.

THAT’S WHY I HAVE SO MANY UNEXPECTEDLY HARD SURFACES.

THAT’S WHY I HAVE SO MANY ABS.

THAT’S WHY I FEEL SO INEXPLICABLY DRAWN TO HOT LAVA
(ONLY I GUESS NOW IT’S BEEN EXPLICATED — I COME FROM ROCKS).

Ahhh, I finally understand how you manage to rock so hard. Do you have any final messages for your deceased fanbase?

NAW — THE DEAD CAN MANAGE THEMSELVES WELL ENOUGH WITHOUT ME HEH HEH. THOUGH IF YOU’VE EVER READ ANYTHING OF MINE OR SEEN MY ART AND ENJOYED IT, THANKS FOR ENJOYING IT ^-^

THERON JACOBS IS A WRITER AND ARTIST WHO REALLY ENJOYS BUGS AND ALSO DOGS AND ALSO FRIENDS AND ALSO THE INTERNET (MOSTLY). MORE OF HIS WORK IS AVAILABLE HERE: http://tphd.tumblr.com/