There may be nothing worse than slammed doors, raised voices and tears but, according to new research, parents who want to be close to their teenage children should aim to have a row a day.

Instead of causing alienation, conflict can strengthen parent-adolescent relationships, says Tabitha Holmes, an assistant professor at State University of New York and a specialist in adolescent development. 'A conflict a day is about the right amount of rowing necessary to stay in close touch with the way your adolescent is developing,' said Holmes, whose paper, 'The Good, the Bad and the (not so) Ugly: Mothers' and Adolescents' Beliefs About Conflict', is to be published next week in the academic journal Personal Relationships

'While it is already known that conflict can be useful and positive for adolescents - teaching them healthy identity formation, social-cognitive skills and complex reasoning - it was a complete surprise to me to discover during my research that teenagers themselves saw heated arguments as something that brought them closer to their parents,' said Holmes.

'Where their parents talked about how upsetting and destructive arguing with their child was, the adolescents were able to see how locking horns helped them to understand their parents' points of view more clearly. They were also very aware that a good row forced them to think through, articulate and defend their opinions and desires.'

According to Holmes, it is the day-to-day conflicts - the very ones that can be so draining - that are most constructive: the endless rows over homework, clothes, curfews and friends. Conflicts have to be heated: calm discussion or animated debate does not count.

'Adolescents said they only told their mothers what they really felt and thought when they were backed into a corner and were forced to defend their position. If your teenager is rowing with you, it's actually a mark of respect,' Holmes said. 'It shows they value you enough to tell you their genuine feelings and thoughts.'

Instead of worrying about rows, parents should be concerned by a child who is too acquiescent. 'It's important to ask why,' she said. 'Is your teen afraid to talk to you or not bothered to share what they're really thinking with you? Are you raising a yes-man or yes-woman, who is unable to think for themselves or challenge the status quo? Are they fearful of how you would react if they do disagree? How much honesty is there in your relationship - how much do you really know each other?'

To be positive, conflicts have to be handled in the right way, Holmes admitted. Parents need to be genuinely listening to their teenager's viewpoint; they need to be able to modify their own opinions and position in the light of what their child tells them; and they need to be respectful, to go into the row acknowledging that their child's point of view is worthwhile.

Honor Rhodes, director of development at the Family and Parenting Institute, said: 'It's not just children who learn from having heated arguments. Through finding out their children's shifting perspectives, usually during arguments, parents are forced to get to know them afresh as individuals with their own thoughts and opinions. It is only by going through that process that you can develop a healthy, adult relationship with your child.'

Professor Richard Tremblay of the University of Central Lancashire, who is director of the Aggression Research Group, said: 'Children who learn to play roughly are actually learning boundaries, empathy and, when they go too far, reconciliation skills. Having fiery arguments with their parents is simply play fighting with words.

'It is this sort of life lesson that draws parents and children together.'

'I feel awful, but it brings us closer'

· Marketing consultant Anne Bailey, 42, lives in Cambridge with her two children, Cecilia and nine-year-old Geordie. Although Cecilia is only 12, the teenage rows have already started with a vengeance.

'I hate rowing with Cecilia. I feel terribly upset, shaken and drained afterwards. But even when I'm feeling awful during and after a row, I know it can be a constructive process that brings us closer together.

'In later years I'm sure there are going to be lots of fireworks, but I wouldn't recognise a child of mine if she didn't have opinions and strong-minded beliefs that she's prepared to stand up for.'

Cecilia says: 'I do get upset when I've rowed with my mother, because it hurts my feelings and I don't like shouting at her or having her shout at me. But there are good things about rowing: it makes me feel closer to her when we row and I see her point of view.

'And it makes me feel safe to know that I can row with her and things will still be all right between us afterwards.'