Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Kim Kardashian is getting her own wax figure at Madame Tussauds in NYC. Now patrons can experience exactly would it would be like if they ever met her in person.Alot of Apple fans are annoyed at the 1Phone 4 because of the"death grip". Steve Jobs recommends that you simply let go of the wallet.Larry King is quitting his show after 25 years. He said he wanted to thank the source of his support for all those years- his suspenders.Ex tennis prodigy Jennifer Capriati had an overdose after finding out her boyfriend, Dale Dabone was returning to making adult films. Advantage: DaboneAn Israeli professor has created a new birth control pill for men. When put in water, it spells the word "alimony".

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

One of the tools that some stand up comics use in their routines is sarcasm. Sarcasm is a strange animal in that we recognize it when we see/experience it yet it's hard to define. The same can be said of porn. In the following post, I will introduce you to a great comedian that uses sarcasm well in a dry, yet creative delivery. His name is Todd Barry and after listening to all of his albums, I began to see a central theme is his act. He tends to focus on what people "say" and then he dissects what is said and finds humor in it. Either by highlighting the fallacy in what is said or in exposing the flawed logic behind the words. I did a little bit of research and realized that he graduated with a degree in English so it makes sense that his focus would be on words and how they are used in every day situations. This is a gift and is very difficult to replicate. To me the humor is found not only in his tone but also in his slow, methodic delivery. I really recommend that you get Todd Barry's "From Heaven" (NO I'm not paid to endorse him. But I bought it and was very pleased with the material in it.) http://www.amazon.com/Heaven-Todd-Barry/dp/B0012IWHIM. The other thing that he does is he examines what people say and do to show you how silly it is. For example in one of his bits he said that when he mentioned that he attended his college, a person "booed" him because he went to a rival school. He then ridules that person for having a different opinion and the bit became a funny examination on why people "boo" people in the first place. The central theme being, you boo because the other person likes something diferent than you. He has another bit about meeting with an agent that rents apartments in New York who told him, as a selling point, that Jessica Parker lived accross the street. His response was classic-" "How convenient". In the absence of listening to his works, It's difficult to describe the nuiances that make for great sarcasm in stand up but I just wanted to introduce my bloging friends to this theme and to present a great comedian that does that well. Below is a sample clip. But it still is not as good as his album. Enjoy!

Monday, June 28, 2010

A UK woman is claiming to be carrying Landon Donovan's "love child" proving once again that even when he scores, he still loses.Protests erupted in Toronto Canada to protest the G-20 meetings . It was a chaotic scene as cars were flipped, and set on fire. Things got so bad that they had to send in the G-Unit.The Gulf of Mexico's "Alex"has strengthened back into a tropical storm. It had weakend into a depression this weekend after learning that Argentina had beaten Mexico 3-1.A split US Supreme Court ruled that the constitutional right to bear arms binds states and cities, as well as the federal government. In related news, Dick Cheney was discharged from a Washington hospital.A woman in Florida was awarded $8 million dollars in compensation after suing Merck when the drug Fosamax damaged her jaw. In an interview after the verdict was read, she said, well it was unclear what she said.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Millitary progress is being made in the war on Afghanistan thanks to the intelligence cooperation between the C.I.A, FBI , and Rolling Stone Magazine. Congress is poised to pass the toughest overhaul of the nation's financial regulatory system. The bill we be known as the Vuvuzela Act because it's just noise to everyone and it wont affect the outcome of the game.Toyota is recalling 17,000 of its 2010 Lexus hybrids because The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration said that they failed to meet its fuel leakage standard in a test that involves rotating the vehicle after crashing it. Toyota said it will no longer consult BP engineers for car design.It turns out that Snoop Dog and Willie Nelson are friends and in fact they may have a joint concert and by joint I mean together.LeBron James is set to release his own line of headphones. The sound quality is amazing as it has no ring.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Yesterday I experienced a moral dilemma on the tennis court. I was "rallying "(playing for fun) with this old dude. The rest of the people had left the court and he was gracious enough to tell me, "I play with you". He was a foreigner. He was either Asian or middle-eastern but one thing was unquestionable, the dude was old. When God said, "Let there be light," he flicked the switch. You know what I'm saying? The dude was old and could barely move, so I took it easy on him. I hit the ball soft and directly to him. After warming up with him he challenges me to a match. "Wanna play a game?" he asks me. What I wanted to say was, " you are one sneeze away from a coma, I will destroy you!". But I took a more diplomatic approach. " Let's just hit for fun," I tell him. He was relentless. "Let's play a match". Once again, I tell him. "Let's just hit for fun". He challenges me again to a match. I said o.k. It's on like Donkey Kong. Here is my dilemma. Do I "take it easy" on him? Or do I play to win? I was conflicted. Letting him win isn't honest. Plus my philosophy of playing sports is If score is being kept, play to win!. The guy serves super slow and I hit it back and he grunts and misses all my shots. I play to win. I'm killing him. Literally and metaphorically. After 4-0, he sheepishly asks me, "Can we just rally?" I tell him, "that's why I wanted to play for fun." In otherwords this corpse had no chance to win and it was almost insulting to think that he thought, he had a chance to win. We rallyed for another 40 minutes or so and it was good. But I can't help but thinking, was I a dick? I mean, I did give him the opportunity to play for fun twice. Right???

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Kim Kardashian has a new boy friend in Dallas Cowboy's Miles Austin. She said she wants to take things "slow" with him so he will have to wait until the second date before the video camera comes out.A letter written by Adolph Hitler has been found where he begs Mercedes to give him a discount on the price of a car. This should erase all doubts about whether he was Jewish or not.The queen made the first visit to Wimbledon in 33 years. Elton John said he would love to return next year as well.The longest match in Wibledon history has been made as John Isner and Nicolas Mahut are still tied at 59-59 after playing for over 10 hours. The last time there was this much action on grass was when Cheech and Chong were making films.A woman has accused former Vice President Al Gore of "unwanted sexual contact" involving an encounter between Gore and a licensed massage therapist at a hotel. She wasn't amused with his pick up line: Wanna noble peace of me?

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I had written a short essay where I gave a general ode to great comedians out there that were perfecting their craft. In this posting, I will alert the reader to a great "old school" comedian from the 80's named Emo Philips. Many of you already know who he is because he is famous but there are still countless others that may not be aware of who he is but should. Too often an "eccentric" or "weird" artist gets over looked for the real talent that they possess. In the case of Emo, he was an excellent writer. The reader needs to overlook the annoying voice and mannerisms to fully appreciate the talent that he possesses. There is a well known maxim in comedy that says that without a "surprise" there is no humor. Thus the audience member laughs when he/she "gets" the joke. It's one of the fundamental things in comedy that great comedians do. Notice in the construction of the jokes how he sets up the premise which forces you to assume something about his story only to have the punchline not only shatter that assumption but have it re-interpret another compatible/different story. The casual observer of comedy may never really take time to deconstruct the body of a joke but if you ever do, you will beging to appreciate the skill that is needed to pull it off. Notice several things with Emo Philips:

1- The efficiency of his words. He says enough to let you get the joke and doesn't add unnecessary words.2- The visual language that adds to the story or joke.3-The timing or delivery of his jokes4- The clever and unique use of punchlines.

Until I began to take comedy a bit more serious, It was easy to overlook the subtle techniques that are used by great comedians. In the case of Emo Philips, he is the master of crafting clear premises with surprise punchlines. Enjoyhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRp_r-EHmfs

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

There is drama among the French national team after their coach dismissed striker Nicolas Anelka after being insulted by him in a profane tirade. The team refused to practice to protest that decision. Now there is talk that they may not even play their last game. It's like their losing their heads, which isn't surprising considering the French did invent the guillotine.Amid scandal and in-fighting, the French national team has been eliminated from the World Cup after imploding in game three. Le bleu has now become les miserables.Larry King hosted a celebrity telethon for the oil spill. All the money raised will go towards finding a cure for Leakemia.A federal judge has ruled that the Interior Department acted "arbitrarily" when it issued a 6 month moratorium on deep-water drilling in the Gulf of Mexico. President Obama is appealing on the grounds that acting on a whim should not be considered arbitrary. Jerry Seinfeld says he hates Lady Gaga and called her a jerk for making a rude gesture with her finger at New York Mets fans. The most shocking thing about this is that there are actually Mets fans.

There is an old adage that the more things change the more they stay the same. In the case of Arizona, I remember that it was one of the few states that did not want to honor Martin Luther King Jr. and thus there was opposition to honoring his holiday! Fast forward 20 years and how much has changed? I remember listening to Public Enemy's song on Arizona and thought it was a apropos to share it here today given today's political climate there. Enjoy!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Rep. Joe Barton is facing a whirlwind of criticism for apologizing to BP for the apparent "shake down" for demanding a $20 billion fund to pay damage claims. In a show of grace and class, BP accepted his apology.Desperate louisiana lawmakers are hoping for divine intervention as they are proposing a day of prayer for the BP oil spill. I'm not sure that would do any good. God seemed pretty busy taking part in a yacht race in his 52 ft yacht. Amid the oil disaster, BP chief Tony Hayward still took part in a yacht competition. His yacht named "The Pinocchio" came in third place.Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad pleaded guilty to all the counts against him. When sentenced, he could face 2 life sentences. Does that mean he is elligible for 144 virgins when he dies?Pop singer Vanessa Carlton has come out as bisexual. This doubles her chances of finding her soul mate.Lady Gaga caused confusion again as she sneaked into the NY Yankee's clubhouse. The Yankees were wondering why their ball boy was dressed in a bikini bottom.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

I'm so obsessed with watching myself age. Now, the majority of the people that know me will dismiss me as crazy as I take good care of myself but I can't help it. When I'm in bed and I make a slight movement "Snap". When I stand up from my couch, "Crackle". Whenever I'm done playing tennis and my body is aching, "Pop". My favorite game to play is to touch my boney knees and flick them so I can hear my brittle bones echo throughout the room. Another game I play is to see how far back my hairline will recede. This happens every day. I also like to stare at my hands and watch new lines form around my knuckles or under my eyes. I tell my girlfriend every day that I'm decomposing and rigor mortis is taking effect. She's very patient. I have also lost some weight and I'm not sure if that's because I'm dieting and exercising or because old people get naturally smaller and shrink. I work out in the hope that I can delay the grim reaper as much as possible. Hey how much are Depends diapers? I need to know.

Things got wild in Los Angeles after the Lakers won their 16th title. There were bottles being thrown, fist fights, turning over of cars, and thats just the police officers.Porn star Devon James is claiming to have given birth to Tiger Wood's son and is asking a judge to determine paternity. The judge said that he would refer this case to the proper venue, The Maury Povich Show.A non-existing "foul" call by referee Koman Coulibaly disallowed a goal that would have given the U.S a 3-2 victory over Slovenia. I think the dark shades, the white cane, the tin can should've been a clue.In Central Park, Miley Cyrus and Bret Michaels performed a duet of Poison's "Every Rose has its Thorn". Though in the case of Miley Cyrus, that thorn is in my side. BP chairman said that CEO Tony Hayward is being relieved of the day to day responsibilities of managing the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. Mr. Hayward will instead become England's new goal keeper.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Thursday was game 7 and a good friend, Nick tells me that I need to get together with him because of "Laker Karma". It so happens that I have been with my friend Nick at pivotal moments in play off history and he believes that I need to be with him to not break the continuity. I should pause and tell you that I have been following the Lakers since the Magic Johnson "showtime" days. Let me also be blunt. I hate Boston and Boston fans. It's the law in Los Angeles. Back to the story. I park in downtown L.A about 5 blocks from the Staple Center. I get there 3 hours early because there was pandemonium and madness in down town. My favorite line came from some black guy commenting on a van that had 4 flags. he said, "Look at that fo' mutha ' fuckers on that bitch." I get to bar and I had to wait for over an hour in the hot sun. Inside there were crazy Laker fans. I saw guys with Lakers tattoos, white guys with braids, Laker logos on people's hair, black dudes sporting sombreros and Laker Ponchos. The game was tense and every 5 minutes there were chants of "Boston Sucks". It kept getting louder "Boston Sucks". What was cool is that the place was diverse. You had Whites, Asians, Filipinos,Blacks, Mexicans, Arabs, and everything in between. After the game, there is raucous on the street. Everyone is high fiving everyone. Then someone starts a bonfire on the street. Then, people start hopping on cars including police cars. This causes the cops to attack the crowd so we all run, myself included. I lose my friends. The cops decide to close the street and now I have to walk north about a mile to make a right on 9th street. There are cops everywhere! On every corner. There are explosions going off and people are lighting fireworks on the street and I get to 9th street and the cops tell me that the street is closed so I have to continue walking north. As I walk towards the parking spot, people are blowing horns, waving flags, dancing on the street, and just yelling in jubilation. I get to my car and I can hear cop sirens and helicopters around me. It took me over an hour to get to my car when it should have taken 15 minutes.Next time, I'll watch the game from home. Go Lakers!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

BP has agreed to pay $20 billion dollars for the oil spill. Or as BP executives call it, the Louisiana Purchase.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will appear together on a new film called, "Should I pick the brown one or the Asian one?"

Tom Izzo has rejected the Cavs offer to be their head coach. When asked if he is confident about remaining in Michigan State University, Izzo said "For Shizzo my Nizzo I'm staying in the Mizzo." (Apology to Snoop Dog).

Former "Jack Ass" star, Bam Margera was assaulted in Philadelphia by an angry, 59 year old black woman with a baseball bat. Bam made the mistake of trying prank Naomi Campbell's mother.

Kim Kardashian spent the weekend in the Bahamas with teen star Justin Bieber. They are out promoting a re-make of the movie"Harold and Maude."

Monday, June 14, 2010

I was out of groceries and I needed food. Times are rough so I went to the Mexican market in Anaheim called La Carreta to save money. The food is cheaper but you must be prepared for the other amenities that come with shopping at an authentic Mexican market. For one, you will be blasted with umpa umpa music. It's called "banda" and it resembles Polka with the horns and accordian. Besides the music, there are other features that can only be found here including:

1- Pinatas hanging from the ceiling. They have a variety of pinatas including Dora the Explorer.(currently being detained in Arizona until she can provide i.d).

2-Fruits and Buddha can be found in the same section. There is nothing more refreshing than eating oranges while trying to reach Nirvana.

3-Piggybanks shaped like dogs and frogs can be found in the produce section. Let's be honest, in today's tough economy it helps to be able to save by dropping coins and dollar bills in the vertabraes of mammals and amphibians.

4-Candles of your favorite saints are conveniently located next to chicken seasoning. This way you can have chicken soup for the soul get it? Sorry that was lame. I'm out.

WORLD CUP TUTORIAL FOR AMERICANS:Here is a World Cup tutorial for Americans that don't follow soccer. Soccer is like hockey minus the ice,stick, and puck. The score will always be 0-0 at the half. If a player gets touched on a play, he must fall to the ground, grag his leg, and act like he got hit by a truck. Only Europeans and South Americans can win the World Cup. If you can pronounce the player's name, he sucks. When asked,"who do you think will win?, it is ALWAYS safe to say Brazil has a good chance of winning it. Never ask, what are the lyrics to that Ole Ole song? if you hear goooool !, take cover, there will be a riot.EU officials are putting pressure on Israel to ease the Gaza blockade. Question: If imported roosters are prevented from being delivered, would that make Israel a cock blocker?117 people died in Kyrgyzstan after ethnic Kyrgyz and Uzbek groups clashed. The Kyrgyz and the Uzbek need to make peace. This is easier done that said.BP estimates that the oil spill cost to be about $1.6 billion. BP executives are asking China to help pay for the spill by collecting $1 dollar from each of its citizens.In China, many of the Honda strikers returned to work after the company raised the workers' wages 11 percent and their food and housing allowance 33 percent. This agreement is known as the Honda Accord.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I usually reserve random nonsense for the weekend. The following is a true story that I call "Customer Service Persian Style". Many of you may not be aware of this but Anaheim has alot of Arabs and Persians so there is amazing food in the city. I was in Anaheim and decided to go to a Persian restaurant located on Brookhurst street. I'm eating beef lula with rice and hummus. As I'm eating, I notice an ant on my table. No big deal, shit happens. I try to ignore the crittter. I commence to eat when I notice a squad of ants- a whole bunch violating my table and my food. I lose my appetite. I call the waitress over so she could see the ants raping my plate. I point to the ants on my table. "Look there is one here, there is another here too, here too". What she did next was classic. She smashes the ant with her finger and points to the sugar container on my table and calmly explains to me, "They came for the shoogarr" and she walks away.. That's it! Her solution to my problem is to explain the reason for the ants' arrival. No apology, no discount, no refund. It took me a few weeks to return to the same restaurant and when I did, I shit you not, there was an ant on my table. I wanted to call the waitress over but I didn't want to hear her explanation: "They came for the shoogar"

Friday, June 11, 2010

A man in Florida has been found guilty of Stalking Olympic gold medalist Shawn Johnson. She spotted him and was able to escape by doing a double front air flip. Trying to motivate the Democrats, Ex-President Bill Clinton told them never give up. He should know, everyone gave it up to him.A new documentary on Joan Rivers will play this Friday through IFC Films. Footage of this documentary will also be used by National Geographics to examine mummies.It has been reported that Amy Winehouse has been taking acting lessons and wants to be an actress. Her most challenging role will be playing a clean,sober, girl.In the 17 months since being President Obama has aggressively pursued and prosecuted more people than even President Bush when they leaked confidential information to the media. Now, if only he was that agressive for those that leak oil.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

If you haven't seen King of Comedy, you have to see it. It is a classic Martin Scorsese film that ought to get the same acclaim like Raging Bull and Taxi Driver. The lead character is a young Robert De Niro who plays Rupert Pupkin, a loser and dreamer who fantasizes about making it big one day at any cost. The truth is, he is pathetic and lost. But this doesn't stop him from dreaming big. I say go Rupert go! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNtHdvzp1Ow&feature=related

CNBC financial host Suze Orman underwent an emergency appendectomy and had to have her appendix removed on Saturday. She was able to sell that appendix on Sunday and make a 30% rate of return on her investment.The shares of BP dropped sharply in London amid a massive sell off. The only thing that has dropped this low in England is the play of their national soccer team after 1966.Shakira was in South Africa visiting an elementary school when the students showed her how to do a Zulu dance. Not to be outdone, BP executives sent a representative there as well to show Shakira how to dance around questions.As a result of the recall, McDonalds is offering to pay $3.00 for each "Shrek" glass eventhough its market value is only $2.50. They got that idea from the Federal Reserve.Salma Hayek freaked out when a snake unexpectedly appeared on a set during a press junket. She calmed down after she was told it was only Rod Blagojevich trying to sell her something.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

President Obama has finally expressed his anger over the oil spill. He said he was going to find out "whose ass to kick" Then the teleprompter instructed him to do a karate kick and make an angry face.The price of US gold hit a record high on Euro zone credit fears. This is good news for rappers who will be able to retire rich by selling their teeth. Another arrest warrant has been issued on Lindsey Lohan after her alcohol -monitoring bracelet was triggered as she attended the MTV after party. Witnesses at the party described the bracelet exploding into a mushroom cloud.A study published in the Archives of General Psychiatry found that exposure to second hand smoke is associated with psychological distress. Probably because the passive smoker has to repress the urge to yell, "Turn it off!".A new study suggests that short people are at greater risk for heart disease than taller people. This fall, Bravo will air a new reality series that will explore this topic: Little People Big Heart attack.

Two New Jersey men were arrested after authorities believed they were plotting to carry out terrorist acts in the U.S. When questioned why the men were so angry and willing to blow themselves up, one man replied "have you been to Jersey?"

The funeral of Different Strokes actor Gary Coleman has been postponed as a result of a custody battle between his ex-wife and his parents. His attorney believes that this mess will be resolved as soon as we know what Willis was talking about.

In the absence of medical evidence, Kellog has agreed to remove the claim that Rice Krispies will strenghten children's immune systems. They also have a new slogan: Snap,Crackle,flop.

The wife of Dog Whisperer' star Cesar Milan has filed for divorce after 16 years of marriage. She said he's not the pack leader he used to be.

A study coming out of Leeds, UK shows promising evidence that a drug made from a sea sponge fights advance breast cancer. And this whole time I thought Sponge Bob Square Pants was just being a pervert.

Friday, June 4, 2010

President Obama has picked Lt. Gen James R. Clapper to be the next director of national intelligence. He introduced him by clapping once to bring him on stage and clapped twice when he was done speaking. The Dow Jones dropped 323 points on signs that unemployment figures are worse than previously believed. It is so bad that homeless people are carrying signs that read: Will work for work.McDonald's is recalling "Shrek" glasses after discovering that they contained the toxin,cadium. Now the only things that can harm you are found inside the containers.Former James Bond actor Daniel Craig has emerge to take the lead in"Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." He beat out the leading contender-Jesse James.President Obama used harsher words to describe the BP oil spill. He said he was furious. You can tell he is. On his next White House dinner, he has invited System of a Down to perform.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

In West Hollywood, CA a rare photograph will go on sale that is believed to be the only known picture that includes Marilyn Monroe, John F. Kennedy, and Robert Kennedy in the same room, with clothes on.

Chris Haney, the creator of Trivial Pursuit died Monday at the age of 59. Before attending the funeral, loved ones are required to correcty answer questions from 6 categories.

In response to several recent sucides at a manufacturing plant, Steve Jobs, the CEO of Apple said that Foxconn in China is not a sweat shop. He said they have air conditioners.

A large Gallup poll finds that the older people get, the happier they become. The study also found that the word most often googled by old people is "Viagra".

Former Vice President Al Gore and his wife separated after 40 years of marriage. They just don't love each other any more and that's an incovenient truth.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

A woman is suing Google after she used Google Maps and was struck by a car. She's also suing Facebook because none of her friends told her to look up while walking.

On the Oprah Show, Sarah "Fergie" Ferguson told Oprah that she was drinking when she was caught on tape trying to sell access to her ex-husband Prince Andrew. Upon hearing this, Mel Gibson said,"you see, people react differently on alcohol. I become an anti semite, and she happens to accept bribes."

Celine Dion is pregnant and expecting twins. Either that or the two almonds she had all of last week is causing her serious indigestion.

Lindsey Lohan turned to twitter asking Chanel to help glam up her new court-mandated alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet so that she can accessorize. She's also requesting that Dolce & Gabbana design a new crack pipe.

Japan's Prime Minister is facing pressure to resign after reversing his stance and allowing the U.S to have an air base off Okinawa. I think they're turning Japanese. I think they're turning Japanese. I really think so.

Ford, Mazda are recalling 236,643 "Focus"cars after their Chinese joint venture had faulty software causing engine failure. They will rename that car "Irony".

BP's attempt at covering the leak by drilling mud into the well has been a failure. However the same footage was the winner on ABC 's "America's Funniest Home Videos."

About Me

I grew up in Los Angeles, and now I live in Anaheim, CA. Graduated from CSULB. I have Insomnia. I drink Coffee everyday. Maybe That's why I have insomnia. I'm a big fan of Stand up comedy and comedy in general. I do stand up comedy and write monologue jokes; many which have been published by the NY Times Humor Blog. To hire me for writing assignments, email me