Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The Kindred (1987)
- I always loved that artwork, but just now I'm finding it confusing. Is
that creature supposed to be scary cause a baby could accidentally drink
it? ***Note: The Kindred will be shown on VHS. Yes, the Frights Tech Team has upgraded to some multi-format gear so we can fetishize an ugly-ass dead format.

The Unborn (1991) - Remember a few years back when we had all those movies that started with "Un" (The Uninvited, The Unholy, etc)?
This got rejected from that category. It's been buried at the bottom of
a spreadsheet ever since and now it finally gets to be a bride.
Everyone be nice to it.

SHITFEST: 90s STRAIGHT TO VIDEO

A
comfy double feature of lethargic, mid-90s straight-to-video garbage.
Sometimes I dream about going back in time to a video store in 1995 and
diving into the Horror New Releases rack like it's the ball pit at Chuck
E. Cheese.

Night of the Scarecrow (1995) - I'm gonna play the honesty card here. This category was supposed to be The Paperboy and The Unborn, but I then I realized I could make a "Killer Babies" section out of Unborn and Kindred. So this winner got called up to the majors. It may turn out okay. It's directed by Jeff Burr, who gave us the beloved Frights entry The Offspring. But then, Burr is also responsible for Stepfather 2, which was shitty like a bastard.

The Paperboy (1994) - The Frights
crowd has a well-documented love of both evil kids and evil tradesmen,
so this should be at least tolerable. Back when I worked at the video
store, there was this dude who would always pick up the box and go, "The Paperboy--he
wants his two dollars!" I don't think he ever actually watched the
movie though. Warning: made by Canadians and possibly dainty.

SARAH FRIGHTS

Every time Sarah walks in on Frights,
there's a zombie biting off a nun's face or something. She's basically
about to leave me over it. So we have to drop in a nugget that's a more
her speed.

Ghost Dad (1990) - Sarah's most requested Frights of all time. Note: The Frights legal team is currently in negotiations to show a rare alternate cut of the film known to collectors as Ghost Daddy-O.
This is a more "mature" version of the film that the studio briefly
tested in which Cosby keeps ordering pizzas and whores and cartons of
cigarettes to the house and then doing ghostly shit to scare people away
when it's time to remit payment. Expect this night to be crowded.

FRIGHTS CLASSICS

Old favorites, new--and newly creamy-looking--on Blu-ray.

The Beyond (1981) - Frights
fans are not only ready for Fulci-level carnage, they're demanding it.
Welcome, Uncle Lucio! The Italians sit on the smaller couch with Justin.

Demons (1985) - This
has a sick metal score and Justin makes up lyrics for it that are just,
"Demons are--every--fuck--ing--where," at different speeds. He bought
me the Blu-ray and was like, "I'm gonna need you to go ahead to put that
in Frights cause we need a lot of people to see that shit proper." It's his favorite movie. ***Justin's pick.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) - One of horror's great fiascoes, a Halloween
sequel with no connection to Michael Myers. Don't fret--it's a bizarre, vaguely-Italian-horror-vibing nutbar with magic masks that
make snakes and shit come out of kids' heads. This is the weird turning pro.

OFFICIAL FRIGHTS

Films that don't go together to make categories.

Dark Age (1987) - Long AWOL Australian killer crocodile movie. Remember the footage of this in Not Quite Hollywood
where the movie looks awesome even though the crocodile looks like a
styrofoam cooler? When shit like this hits my desk, it makes me think,
"Yes. There is still important work for Frights to do."

Deadly Eyes (1982) - Killer rats laughing stock from the director of motherfucking Gymkata!
Often dissed as the movie "where the rats are played by dachshunds in
costumes." Is that supposed to be discouraging? I've only waited this
long to show it cause all the copies are shit quality. ***Olive's pick.

Destroyer (1988) - What
can be said? This is a film that actually exists and we have
reached the level of actually watching it. Ex-NFL player Lyle Alzado stars as a killer who goes to the
electric chair, comes back only "half dead" and starts killing shit
double-time. ***Note: Destroyer will be shown on VHS. Like we had a choice. ***Emily's pick.

The Hidden (1987) - This
is a real movie. We need to get them in here sometimes. It seems boring
now, but when it's pulled in the nightly draw, everyone will be
relieved. Kyle MacLachlan's first Frights appearance? I think so.

Hide and Go Shriek (1988) - The feet on that box seem really well groomed. And one is tattooed like it's a geisha's. If I was under the bed looking at those feet, I'd be
like, There's nothing to fear here. I can fight back against this
person. "Unrated version: Contains a movie too shitty for theatrical
release." ***Melissa's pick.

The Outing (1987) - It
doesn't matter how shitty this movie is cause somehow THEY GOT DREW
STRUZAN TO DRAW THAT BEAUTIFUL FUCKING ARTWORK. I have vivid memories of
being a kid, carrying the box around the video store, staring at it,
asking, "What's an outing?," and my mom being like, "How about soccer?
Would you be willing to join a soccer league? Maybe floor hockey?"

The Sentinel (1977) - The Frights
team has a director crush on Michael Winner. He had this magical style
where his movies seem like some dry-ass "Masterpiece Theatre" bullshit
and then all of sudden something insanely vulgar happens, like someone
tries to light a homeless person on fire. When Universal asked Winner to
make a devil-panic film to rival Rosemary's Baby and The Exorcist, he
declared that those films were "old, limp cabbage from the bin" and he
would deliver something so scary it would "cause hundreds of people
to kill themselves in fear." A great man.