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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I wanted to avoid relationship because then I would have sex all the time what I allowed to define as lack of motivation to do anything except that.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define relationship as sex.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define sex as basic aim to exists because that was an intense way to divert my attention from what is here to the arousedness etc.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that within avoiding to have relationship I am in relationship with and as the avoidness of relationship - what is obviously separation.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let myself to desire after what is looks like a dessert but in fact is an illusion in the desert.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become so stubborn and not letting to LIVE the knowledge, but denying it and saying it is bullshit and useless and using this as an excuse to not apply but running onto the wall again and again until something intense manifests and then realising that it can not continue anymore anyway.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that I avoided to have sex becuse of the fear of being dependent and possessed of it and by it not caring about anything else as world as others as my hobbies or interests - what are look like excuses and escaping paths to avoid this way of expression.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define art as a transformation of sexual deside and expression to try to divert my desire to it and by it wanting to realise that I do not need sex.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to being dishonest with and as myself in the hope of then I wont have to face with myself as myself and I wont have to actually, practically change - because then my self-definition would fall - would burn down to the core and then I would not have any escape from who I really am.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate within pictures to use those by memory to get aroused - not realising that is the lack of self-trust as moment.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust in and as myself unconditionally here in every moment - of every day of every lifespan of all existence as me as one as equal.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as lover - and by denying it not wanting to realise that is self-definition - based on self-fear, because I have not allowed to love myself unconditionally.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program by media, by advertisements - what are implicating my self-definitions - what can be easily triggered by my acceptance and allowance until I stop here.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use polarities to hide behind and as - by even knowing that is of separation and simply illusion of the mind.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to release sexual desire-emotional charge but defining it as not right - trying to avoid it until it just explodes and apparently I have no control - and then I can justify or simply I can not do anything about it.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I am the breath of life literally - meaning that as I breath - I am - and if I am aware of the breath - I am one and equal with and as the breath - then I am one and equal with and as myself.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself unconditionally.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from lack of money because I spent for things such as extra hard drive or remote programmable robot.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from I can loose my control in the system because I do not have money, because I defined having money as power control within this existence. STOP.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as tired - not realising that the act of defining creates my perception trough continous self-judgement and memory-based justifications to not need to realise what is HERE.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use tricks - to deceive others trough my facial and word expressions to manipulate.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define manipulation as useful - instead of realising that is based on separation - not being one and equal with and as what is actually here.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to trust in myself because then I would become ruthless.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ruthless.I forgive myself that I have not allowed to realise that I am here as life and no need compassion with the systems to be self-directive.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to direct myself HERE - simply I am here and I direct what is here.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define orgasm as release - release of emotional burden what I continously accept and allow to build trough participation within thoughts and emotions and feelings.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to orgasm.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become possessed to orgasm - as a programmed organism.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be aware that when I listen something with headphone and that is over that I am sitting here with theese big earplugs and do not hear anything - an anyway after a while defining it as disturbing.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress myself because of self-judgement.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself.I forgive myself that I accepred and allowed myself to define who I am according to the judge.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define judging is assisting because then I always can know what is going on - not realising that is not here, only in my memory as past and trusting and literally being in past - I am dishonest because I am not here as the totality of myself.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define itchyness as embarrassing.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Yesterday was a fascinating experience - I realised that I just let go - let everything go - and I was in the bath and I was ok - let anything happen whatever I let it happen - just I am here and breath and that's all - and the itchyness started to compound - basically I have this itching - mostly on my head and on my back - but many places I experience this on my body and I scratch it and then realise that is not need - and actually the scratching is kind of against the experience - not the itchyness - but yes also - but something more profound experience is 'behind' this - and some times this was so intense that I lost my awareness totally for a while - for instance when I was kid and my backitchyness was so intense that I just ran away into the wild and just ran until exhausted and then just breathing around trees in the fields as a haunted animal...I attempted to run away from me but was no possible - I could not run away from my thoughts lol...But this was really loong ago and yesterday something like this came - and I was like ok, this itchyness is anyway here - on my head(hair) and on my back - and I was in the hot water and it just came and I said ok, let's come - I accept - and it started to really compound - and was almost insane - but somehow it was kind of liberating and very intense - and was like naturally I stand up and facing myself unconditionally.And was intense and I just said something aloud(self-forgiveness as defining it as intense to stop?) and breath and breath and the breath is the 'embrace itself' - and was very fascinating - because this is who I became - this embarrasment from my accepted and allowed expression - without supression - or when the supression comes to surface - a way or a kind of it...Well this english stuff is interesting with 300 words how I can express myself appropriately lol...So was cool - and I was kind of tired - but after this I was less - maybe because of the feeling and emotional charge - as usually - but in fact: not.Was a moment when I stand up and no matter what - I am here.This is so cool - and I can not reallly share this - because is kind of individual - but I can do it - I can stop being image and stand up as life. Of course - but to experience this...This is realisation - the word itself - because I realise and I am the real experience of standing up as life.

And this moment is not really divine - as usually I perceived trough acid and co - because was just naturally here and still - of course polarity is still waving but slowly less and less participation is possible and available in the thought cycles to finally stop once and for all...

So cool

And I write a bit about computer games - I spent some days about this - I supressed this for a while and on other part I let myself to desire to do so - then I did - interesting to see how I continously judge the happening on the computer - as related to the difficulty what I face of...I also can say a bit different than the IRL because more likely without the body - the breath more likely can 'go backdise' and just thought tentacles are manipulating the computer - systems's communication literally.

And many times I just said 'wooow' this is really nasty - and same as masturbation or desiring after pictures - as theese are really computer images and how I judge and define and is like a compounded simulation of the 3D.And I see that this is more comfortable - because I can save and load as I want or make the difficulty to easy or pause when I say it is too much...So interesting stuff - and comes from the very childhood of course...And theese games are 2 kind what I accepted as favourite: one is first person shooter - as running and shooting all the time hundreds after hundreds of humans or monsters - theese two became the favourite: kill soldiers in war and kill monsters or aliens...The more realisitic the graphics and the sounds - the more I defined as enjoy - this rage when the war inside just manifests on the screen...And the another when the 'real time strategy' - when I am the director of the army and produce and conquer and kill and use mass desctruction weapons and produce bigger and bigger army and then just wash down the enemy...

This is what no need to supress anymore so I said well then just do and face - so this darkness can unfold my real nature - the consciousness system's 'soul' - as this is really what happening in this existence - and as I accept and allow this to happen within me - the same way I accept and allow this within and as this expstence - and this is the responsibility who I really am - my responsibility is what I am equal and one with - and as.

So I am responsiblity for all as me as one as equal - and that's why this inner darkness has to be embraced to be one and equal and then stop. Because the fight wont solve - as I fight - it become more real - because if I would knew that is not real - then I would not fight against it - but within and as the fight - I manifest it - as I manifest myself as existence as fight. Simple. So this came up in this games...When I was in school theese really dark visions came up so naturally as I made it into poems and used is as a dark humor and sometimes this pure hatred came up in my mouth and friends appreticiated it and chilled at the same time from it's intensity...

And theese points are in all human - obviously - this manifest the whole existence - as this is kind of starting point of all - this self-hatred - self-regreted over-fractionized - multipached fractal-spiral-like patch-coded-program what manifested as the mind-consciousness-syetem in and as each human,

So this is what is necessary to stop - this fear-driven demon-virus what is so dying and dying - and so much dependent on dying but only for not realise that is already dead so it would be a good reason to start living anyway and all way... huhMuch much more I could write about what comes up in computer games but later will be more clear - and will script down and then vlog it...Looks like it is also a supression to not do what I want because of the fear of fail or fear of judgement - or fear of self-judgement(but it is already that so the dog is chasing it's tail or the camera is running to reach after itself to want to record itself)Hmm Another point...In AfterFx I wanted to make a huge composition with a big glowing helllike fractal background - and in that would happen a 3D picture-slideshow in a circle and the camera would move and pan and zoom around theese - and it was so huge - even when I changed the view to 1% - it was too small to see the whole scene to direct - but the idea is cool - it can be done but need some more smart solution...And this is a bit like I manifested - I want simply the biggest at the begining and I dare myslf to jump into the core and see and almost burn but that just almost impossible - but always is!!!! And by judging - defining and participating in past - as 'very difficult' - I try to fight against it to 'win' - and as I struggle - it becomes more and more huge - and I am getting lost and after a while I quit from the situation or attempt to make an another blindjump to start over...

Because within this 'jump in to the middle' is this kind of 'ok anyway I just do'-ness is what is the very essence of me - as I do what I am and that's it and then just happens - and this can be stabilized and totally manifested and this is who I am.

Because theese 'jumps' are not really jumps - more likely breaking over the self-definied prison and start to experience what is really here - but then here is a tendency to kind of 'getting tired' or 'doubting self' or 'falling back to past' - what is even not real but still holding some kind of self-definition as this trough the enormous time what I spent as this kind of expression.So this 'jump' is merely just see what is here and then I have to stabily realise to be aware that when I 'fall back' - I just simply deny to experience what is here - who I am as all as one as equal in oneness and equality.

And the facing with the 'intense iching' is kind of cool - because in that moment there was some breaths when I was really aware that I can bear this - and when I 'wear' this itcyness and accept it as me - for a moment I realise that is not real - that is just in my mind - and it stopped!!! No - not the itcyness stopped - but more likely the degree of the intensity became more abstract - more scalable - like to realise that when I am the wholeness of everything then I have to be even the scale of everything - and that is not knowledge - because about the scale - the knowledge is really useless - as I am saying 'I am all scale' - but to actually realise as experiencing that I am the scale - I am here as scale - in this very example of the scale of itchyness - I am definately definied it - as me as one as equal - and this is how - and this is why I experience - my expression.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define itching as embarrassing.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as itchy.i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not let myself to hear here as breath.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to yawn.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not hear myself.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to shut down, to not hear, to not be aware what was the cause of the yawn.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use past-definition in self-forgiveness - not realising that is of dishonesty- because using the past to dissolve the past - but in the very act of participating in memory I recreate as I dissolve - and in fact within the act of participating I express myself as past and then manifest and then defining this whole sequence as myself. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that self-forgiveness is moment - I apply and I stand as one as equal and LIVE - or if not then will come back the exact same point of relationship with my dishonesty. I forgive mysself that I accepted and allowed myself to define dishonesty as this oh nasty.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define very detailed and realisitic graphiced war games as awesome, because then I could loose myself within the judgement-forest of this game and then becoming one and equal with the game and it's expression: war.Because the war within me as -re-defining from past all the time to not need to realise. what is here. I stop this - this is not who I really am as breath as moment as life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy killing - even when it's virtual - I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hate - I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hate others - not realising that means I hate myself - I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hate myself - I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hate myself because of the self-responsibility of my self-prison as mind-consciousness system.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from hate.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress hate instead of just let it go as it is not who I really am.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from loosing myself.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from forgeting myself.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress darkness and projecting the light - not realising that is polarity of the mind - the limit of myself.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough time.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as tired.

One year ago I had an opportunity to work to help develop stock software modules - and I denied - the crysis is coming - everybody knows in the scene... not long ago there was an almost total shutdown in the stockmark software system - was overloaded and the system couldnt serve the requests - and then people became afraid, so they multiplied their requests to the system so it was overloaded - had to intervene to save it's integrity and stability...So now it is working modulary - the software had been written in Java and thousands of programmers working hard daily to improve, upgrade this system but the inevitable can not be avoided trough this try: it will crash - and will be big fall. It has to. It has to fall completely for the people to realise what we have become.And then we can create the new principles as equality and oneness - not allowing any hiearchical separation by money.Each individual should own the same amount of money from the moment of birth - and then no fight for survival, no family abuse, no war, no famine...Of course this sounds ridicolous but in fact we have to develop - because what we are now is unacceptable - and is falling - only those do not see that the system's troat is bleeding who have such big hope in their illusions so those blind their own perception.

Too much value had been bond to the word: money and the life does not mean anything - and this is a ruthless system perspective, but when EACH individual will experience the worst of earth - then will realise - until the bubble of illusion of happiness conceals the truth...

For me money means opportunity - and I have to learn how to use it from a perspective of oneneass and equality. What it means to me and why?Why I fear from lack of money, when many times I proved to myself that I can live without a coin?Because the current manifestation limits those who do not have money to spent - no travel - no food - no clothes - no tools - nothing...

But the interesting part about money is because I fear from not having enough money - I have this fear - inside I contain this fear, I allow myself to exist in this constant fear - and feeding it by thoughts, emotions, reactions, concerns etc - and by this I manifest it - because what I am inside - I manifest outside - kind of automatic - so that's why the fear from not having enough money manifest the actual experience - why?Because we are in truth not money - money is not even real - some guys say that"-Hey, we should create one billion euros again, because those folks whould loan it and then by their work will have to 'repay' - and then people create money - I create money - humans create because of the fear of not having enough - to stop this fear - because if I fear from not having enough money, then let's make money and then I can be right - because the fear will be feeded by money - but then the fear would remain - so it is a cycle.

And the solution to be self-honest about what money means for me and why? What values I did put into the word money and why? And Is this based on fear on any way what so ever?Because of fear of not having money? Fear from not being able to survive? Fear from not being able to express myself withou money? Fearing from not being able to be 'free enough' by paying what I want?Theese words mean something and stand.

Money means power - if I have money - I can do more than if I wouldnt have.And the power is control - the control is about polarity - hierarchy - not based on equality.

And this equality is not about communism, no - that was interesting try but never worked - as the core remained the same: control, hierarchy. Was demagogue method to control people trough their emotions. I do not speak about this. I speak about being who we are without systematic emotional loops, without concerns, without fears - just as we are capable of - just breath and express.

Is cool to realise that when I born I had nothing and I was me - and I am the same - but I got clothes and I got social behaviour but in fact as I got this - I will throw when the time has come...So why should I comply? Why not change?

The core of the system is the money and is maintained by individuals - all. All are responsible.I am responsible. You are responsible.

So my part is my responsibility. I stop concern about money, I stop depend on money from the staring point of fear. I puriy myself from the self-definitions based on money or the lack of money.This was a kind of fall - and this had to happen to realise who I became - and each will...And there is nothing to regret - regret means I regret, because I do not want to change - I definet myself as like I did what I regret, so I remain the same and the regret is kind of self-abuse and excuse to not change when is obviously dishonest and deceptive what I became. No. I do not regret. I change.

How I change? I forgive myself that I became what I experience and express at this moment. Because I decided to change and the self-forgiveness is a tool - to pin-point those within my existence what I realised that is not really me but I accepted and allowed - so I manifested and now I am experiencing. And I forgive - I give the opportunity myself to stop this - to change.

And when I forgive - I change - if I not - it is more obvious - because I realised, and I expressed that I want to change - and I didnt - so is more here - and then I just dare me to see as it is - and then I change - or not then it compounds until I change and finally stop the self-dishonesty.

To stop the self-dishonesty about money and desire and fear and self-doubt and responsibility.

Friday, October 24, 2008

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to hear my body here.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to hear my breath here.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to define the pulse of my heartbeat as too much.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to transform my expression onto thoughts to try to escape from my body.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not aware of my own human phisical body.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to live.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I can be aware of every moment of every breath.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use my habits and interests as a program to escape from my breath as awareness here.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define unawareness as entertainment, as rest.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, understand, live that if I am not aware of my body - I am not here, I am not even real from the perspective of the ideas what I participate within my head are fearbased, preprogrammed ideas.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not move me as self as life as I am capable of.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not applying myself as much as I can.I forgive myself that I let myself to swallow for a moment about I have bloody mugs in my mouth every morning so it means I am not applying myself as much as I can.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to get positive responses from others instead of trusting me here unconditionally.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to being able to manipulated with money.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that E does not want to see me just because she did put down the phone when I called her - instead of just let this event go.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise this only happens when she is not in the country.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stuck in an event - not realising that is of dishonesty and fear and applying self-forgiveness immediately and breath here and express myself as moment - unconditonally.I forgive myself that I formed a personality design about being famous and being hidden - as the desire for famousness can indicate that my ego wants to be on stage and getting appretiated but on other side of the polarity wants to be hidden because of responsibility - because wants to be 'free' - as I defined the lack of responsibility as freedom.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define the lack of responsibility as freedom.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to conform.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I do not need to follow programs - as I am here as life in all moments.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define war as entertainment.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define war as adventure.I forigve myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be in war.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from being in war.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire for kill.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire for kontrol.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from consciousness as projection, not realising that is within me as what I become until I stop as one as equal practically unconditionally in all ways.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress myself.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress self-forgiveness and then just flowing and building a dam and then explodes - no need polarity, no need cycles. I am always here.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted to develop such an ability to be able to dream while 'awakened'.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that this dreaming is coming trough unmanifested supressed desires.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that this is a form of escape from what is here - a manifested behavioural strategy to not take self-responsibility for me as all as one as equal in every single moment.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I decided to not want to be here because then I would face with the consequencies what are already manifested.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame the escapists instead of reailizing that I blame me - the very act of blaming is the separation me from myself.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to have power to be able to rule the whole world according to what I programmed to perceive as 'would be a solution'.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to chase goals what I do not want to reach but I definet it as would be good to just experience - not realising this is a supressed and coded form of desire - because I hesitate and procastinate - instead of act and do whatever I direct myself here to do.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from making mistakes - instead of realising that the mistake is judgement - memory and fearbased. So as fear is memory. So All is fear, so I became a manifested fear. So let stop this manifestation of fear. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress myself because I feared to face with myself who I really became.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become evil.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as evil because I want and desire - instead of just stop want and stop desire and stop define myself.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to make a good movie instead of just do a movie whatever it would be as trusting me here.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dream about having sex with two exgirlfriends at the same time.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let myself to desire instead of realise and correct me within the moment as self-forgiveness and not participating within and as thoughts.I forgive myself that I accepeted and allowed myself to define my stability according to the moonphases - this is an excuse to be able to let me swallow into my past and act as before.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to pain.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from pain - from the word: pain.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from pain.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy pain.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define pain as energy.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame the guy because he did not pay - instead of realising that I want to give back money to others - let me stop all this and embrace myself as self-directiveness and sorting out this mess.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my manifestation as mess.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be proud of myself, because on many ways I do not concern about things, such as sleeping on the ground or eating simply foods - not realising that is a part of a polarity as being very specific of the technical instruments's quality what I posess or want.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my computer.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my electronic instruments.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to buy expensive technical instruments instead of sorting out my lends immediately.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough money.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my own bellygas.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a judgement machine what builds up energy and when is too much just stops itself for moment to release and then build it again - and defining myself as this releasing.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be free.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as free.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to have an agreement with my exgirlfriend and not having at the same time. Embrace here and STOP define and just act as self-trust immediately.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I play computergames instead of something worthy.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from being not worthy.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting to save the world.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be part of something global, instead of realise that I am all as one as equal here just need to realise and LIVE.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed war within me and within the world.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be hero.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be director.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the LCD.I forgiev myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not trust me as moment and that's why using memory - and not realising that means not changing and going in circles. STOP.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

So now I 'know' how to make skeleton, or how to import, how to put body onto it(quite complicated, need to be in hands and just be able to do) and then animate the body...Some light objects are around, and the banyan tree with the creepy background...First it was a minuted video and the clown made it's helloooo arm movements and turn but it's enough...Also cool that I could not be so precise to put it's body onto the skeleton totally - so it's more creepy because of this, but I let it, quite funny...and I didnt recorded the scene, just this picture, is enough of this lol...

So now let's breath 'life' to the animation...Last some daysI started to see how people move and how they animate their body - quite fascinating how they express themselves trough the body - how stand up, how grab the socket, how holding on tram, how get off, how faces and eyes are moving...And two more things are what to learn: how to map up theese objects with the surface - as wood looks woody, iron looks metally, human skin looks bit pinky etc...And other one will be big favourite: camera - how to put lines into 3D and move...Bit different from AfterE- but more free...

So the plan is to make some kind of animations...there are some characters what I downloaded - there will be for instance a judge - what can symbolise the mental judgements inside the scene - inside the head - so basically I will make some animated footages - with a composition in AFTER - by importing theese rendered character movements but with the cameramovements...Cool to write down - no need to think and stabilizes...Scripting up...First I will script up some of my 'think methods' as how my head stuck into thoughtcycles - what I already understood...and there are some more...For instance I see now there is a slight difference about wanting to be inner silent and then flowing - and absolutely BE inner silent... because the first still allows kind of dizzyness - thoughtbases are swirling around - kind of like druggy - and I can not stuck in one but in fact many are forming and glowing - and I cant focus onto one to try avoid to stuck in but in fact there are cycles and just moving around and making big cycles...instead of just take one breath and step out and is like the sight becomes more spreaded and I hear the sounds around here - instead of thoughts, and then I hear here and I hear breath and I experience breath here...So I can script up some scenes about this, and let's do a cool screenplay and animate and make some musics...

Cool that also I started to 'masterize' a track what L. did - the basic but sounds cool - more then before - a bit like a track from fight club the 'feeling' but more original - he made it just in reason and I pulled up the quality of the sound... And while I do - I write into a textfile the impressions - to no need to think of course and to track any insights - very assisting...And one-two more sessions like this and the quality will be fine - and we can start to finalize the track...It is just 4 minutes but that's why is also cool...That's it...Now I play some more with the fps game...

A guy wrote some stuff to me onto 'my' youtube pagepenbus492 (5 days ago)One question to you I have my friend. Are you a follower of Destine Productions? If you are that is of course your buisness I only ask this. If someone had a messege to give to the world would they not speak in ways that many could understand instead of hiding behind fancy words that are often used out of context and repeated constantly. I find that for me an intelligent educated person that is very spiritual and strives daily to live a life of simplicity it would be more ideal to reveal your messege with simple statements. Some of the redundant videos on that site have obviously came from the ideations of a person with great intelligence and ability to manipulate the minds of others that are untrained to spot such people. I just would like to caution you in sounding a little to much like them. I believe you are a strong wounderful man of a great many talents just speak from the heart and it will be easier for others to understand you. I answered to him:

wordshi

I simply experience what is here - no matter what it means - I cant follow any spy-ritual humblebumble because I see it is simply illusionaric, belief+desirebased separational manipulation - I was in this for yyyears and simply had to realise - only my self-honesty can be real - am I absolutely self honest with and as myself and others as one as equal practically in and as every single breath or not? Because I traveled and Ive seen earth is getting to be like hell - most of the planet is suffering..The only truth what can be applied all over through and as existence is oneness and equality. And if desteni sais this - I am supporting. If you dare, look at some videos - those are not manipulating - simply common sense is applied ...the humans are already manipulated - many pull ate d or man I pull hated...And any separation is of perception of mind - so the mind(memory) has to be totally released to experience what is here, who we are - not simply know, but LIVE - and experience...

if you look at f.i the law of attraction - is about polarity - good and bad - this is manipulation - because for me to have good - other should suffer - because here in the phisical is already here - as the nutritiens, oil, wood, money etc are determined - because it is a system - with systematic behaviour, systematic laws and this can not be played out with polarity - because is like a boat in the ocean: Not having too big canvas because then can fall trough wind and not so little to have speed - and not sinking and etc - but what if I can be all the ocean?Because I realised - as desteni - that I am the wholeness of everything - I am all as life as me as one as equal - here - because I am here - look at the words:we are here - this is not our phisical location - this is who we really are...we are HERE - so what is HERE - I am not separated from really - only trough and as within the definition-based perceptional mind system - what is just an idealistic programmed model of what is HERE...So is like a filter - can not let humans experience what is here - who we are HERE.But unfortunately within the massive amount of experience ...trough and as the expression within and trough this mind-definitionbased memory matrix - the beings as humans also definied who they are based on the whole methodology of perception - as the mind...Is like in a computergame - a character in the game what can only run, kick, get energy and slash and if there is no more command - it can not even act about what is here - what about if other can control me trough theese commands - am I real?Because this is the most fascinating point? About why people fear? Because fear from truth: because are not real. The body is real, the trees are real, but humans perceiving themselves based on their memory - is not real - so within this fear of loosing their indentity of their memory - because if will disappear - they will as well disappear - so will be...

Because the only real is the phisical - am I can be one and equal with and as the phisical? Because until I do not dare me to be HERE - I can not transcend - and if I can not transcend then I am less and I am simply slave of it - banned to remain it's puppet trough the slave and dependant on 'energy' or 'happiness' what are simply another mind-based definitions...

So I rather say desteni is says something what can be understood within and as self-honesty - and not about belief - more likely - can I realise myself to stand up for and as all life to face the truth here and stop being dependant on mindbased thoughts, feelings, energies, emotional systems or I just remain all day the same who I became?

Because obviously thoughts makes humans to not be here - no excuse - all are within the head - little slices from the past what stuck because of separation.And theese taking granted: causing mass-mass illusion.So for me is self-honesty the key to find out from the thoughtbased- mind-maze, because from the thoughts humans dont see, do not experience what is HERE.

And one more point within common sense. What is separation?Separation is the perception what causes me to not experience something - what indicates my own limit. Because what is separated from me - I do not experience. What I can define - I do that for grab it for the moment - for define - but look at the very act of definition - within the definition - I am within my head - instead of experience the 'subject'. So by investigating this definition-separation - it has it's story - kind of tube - from first occurence to this actual reoccurence.But in fact if I experience something - I do not need to define - which does not mean that I can not say - I drink water - but to be one and equal with and as what I speak and what I act and what I experience - the act of thinking is unnecessary, more likely - brings me from here into my head.So I realised thinking is supression, and acting is more real - and I can live without thinking, and basically all thoughts based on fear, even the best ones...So I do not suggest any being to trust in their thougts - instead of write them and investigate where theese come from - even those what are about self-definition..about who I am? What this means for me? How I define the basics of what I experience? And this can lead self to trust into the moment -- and just breath - and express and express and express - as the kids do...So it is about this concisely, and I realised - the more education I got the more useless knowledge came into me but in practicality this means nothing...Because if I dare me to stop - I say I direct me, because I am self-directive, then I say - ok I stop. And then I see - did I stop? What moves within me? Why I think, Why I want to go there or say enough...this is the mind...and there is no separation - I can not fight the mind - but by understanding and becoming one and equal - as the mind as me - then I can say STOP - and then all stops and I am here as simply breath and I experience everything here within me as me - without definition - without separation...

enjoy

tala

penbus's answer:Thank you my brother for your comment. I realy think that you have a gift on your hands. You do have a way with personifing your statements. I wish to talk with you about some things but I have to say my dear it is a bit difficult to understand what you are saying at times. This is not an attack nor would I wish to attack myself wich in attacking another would be to attack myself simply for the fact that we are one and all connected. Now I do undersatnd a great deal of what it is to be human and connected or seperated from things because I am in fact human and, have experianced life just as many others have done so. Now everyone has there ideas of how the world works and what not and, there are many different truths. I am not here to dispute any of them only to convey that it is difficult to understand what you are saying when you speak and in return can cause someone to either leave your video or ignore the messege you give. Even when people are watching I can gaurentee that some may think that your words are confusing but, fear rejection or the lable of being stupid however, this should not be the case when you are teaching someone life lessons. You should try to be clear and understandable. All I am saying is that it is very hard to understand your wording of things. for example....the last paragraph in your comment to me "Because if I dare me to stop-I say direct me, because Iam self-directive, then I say- ok stop. And then I see-did I stop?What moves within me? Why I think,Why I want to go there or say enough...this is the mind...and separatiion-I can fight the mind- but by understanding and becoming one and equal- as the mind as me- then I can STOP- and then all stops and I am here as simply breath and I experience everything here within me as me- without definition- without seperation"... i have passed this paragraph on to many friends and even my college profesor and they have all said the same thing besides the incorrect useage of verbage Example ( Because if I dare me to stop) It should be because if I dare myself to stop. Its not just about the words out of context it is completely confusing to hear you speak and to see your words on the screen. I want to be able to understand you so for me please speak in simpler terms. At least when you speak with me. I dont care if people think I am stupid I know the truth and would just like things to be simple in my life. Thank you dear friend. I do have many things I would love to talk with you about but I am not sure if I will understan your reply completely.

my answer:Hi

thanks for reading my looong and con fusing posts - I like to play with words - sometimes too much as a child....

Hohoho you can not be stupid - unless you define yourself as it(why?) - but just do not do - words create worlds - instead of if you read this - just read it as it comes - if you dont understand - then just dont - maybe I did not write well down - does not really matters - everything what you experience - you make it - is you - any separation is just programmed perceptional fearbased reaction what can be released trough self-trust and self-direction....

Ah yes - my english is not well perfect as I am hungarian and I can agree with you - can be difficult to read, soorry - that the words are speaking about me - I am in developing more accurate expression to be able to say what I am one and equal...

IRL I can express myself more likely because of the hands and the mimic and the eyes etc...And I have tendency just write as a kid without thinking - and I like it - I no need to think to express myself - is like an external metal skeleton - not fluent, not alive...

The truth is funny thing because there are multiple truths 'out there' - that's why I realised none can be trusted -even science, even desteni - because my truth is me - within my experience - within the moment as I am here and breath and facing with the world.Because if I trust in a truth what comes from outside - I trust in that because I do not trust me - because I want to trust, I want to BELIEVE to have a hook to hang on to not fall...So I prefer to trust me as truth - I find out, I am the truth already as I am already HERE. Just let dare myself(not me:) to see - without filters...

I can not trust in the system as 'god' or 'matrix' anymore without trusting in myself - because I see that is tough - 30000 odd child dies on each day - and is truth - can not be denied - only can be ignored...But in fact I see this wholeness as me - I am responsible for my world =- as I am here - so I do not participate within fight for instance - I do not fight against of my nature - my desires, instead of seeing as it is and why it happened - and then seeing it's core I can forgive that I separated myself from it's core as for instance fearing from relationship because then I can loose myself.;..then I see it is a memory - is not here anymore - but as I fear of it - I simply did not change - that's why I do not trust me, that's why I fear from manifest - and that's why will manifest if I do not change...So each of ourselves is responsible for the current manifestation of this world - and is kind of truth...Can be denied but is still here - and we can experience...But for being response-able for this world as me as one as equal - first develop self-trust - that I can be responsible - or more likely I can face this responsibility what is already here but I did not wanted to see because of the fear - of need to change...(brrr I could write for years about it but you see it is deep)

That's why I say everyone should start to trust themselves to develop self-trust to be able to realise self-truth. Because it is just simple that I decide to see what is my real truth or not? Why I am like this? Who I am and how it happened that I am this person at the moment? Why I like sweet food more likely than bitter is cool example... Beacuse Every single part is kind of formed out from the undefined void - and was already here - but as it formed - this self formed - and if we can understand how we came to this moment, to this place, time - from birth - we can understand ourselves and we see some parts are manifested just because of some childhood fear or an accidentally fall - and it is not here anymore - but in my memory - in the cells is still here - so influencing me here at the moment...

And that's why I am not here as my totality - because I split into particles - this is the separation - into past as memory - into future as desires, fears - what are indicating how I separated me from the absolute and infinite moment what is always HERE.And if I understand how I operate - I understand how I became and then I can change - not only in knowledge, but within and as the expression - to trust me to be momentary expression and direct me as there is no future - no past - because if I care about those - I am separating myself from myself - even about other people 'there' - same - and this came from the self-definition since childhood what simply can be changed...trough self-honesty...self-forgiveness, writing - as desteni explains...

In the mail - at the last part I just wanted to show up a practical observation about self-movement and self-direction...I was practising for instance zen for a while some years ago...and interesting to see when people 'do' meditation...(So at the moment I have no idea what I want to write for you here - just I trust me that I can express what I experience...but like this I can be more sure that I do not send to you something what is kind of knowledge from library because that is just raw data without application...)So when I did the meditation for years - it became my drug(I used it as an excuse to do instead of facing my 'problems' here(financial, relationship, doubt etc), and I had to realise that the interesting point is when I say 'I want to meditate' - alone, or between others(and speficicly I say when people not do some together as 'all meditate until 21h - but just all do as they want)...so the question is when I sat down - what was my motivation to sit down - and when I stood up - what was the cause for standing up...And for me after a while did not matter how much I sat - because I saw that this does nothing really - because I could stop me until just breathe - but in fact as I stood up - everything came back...as I did hug a girl the desire just came back and the point what I say is not about not to hug - but the starting point of who I am at the moment - regarding to every single particle what I can perceive - like one or two or hundred - but one by one I can be aware about this 'piece' of anything what means in my life and why? And is this really who I am?

Because of course I wanted to be free - because I realised I was dependent and possessed to specific thoughts - and I did let myself to be directed trough - and finally as - theese thougts - because my childhood just was not 'perfect' from the perspective of getting everything what I wanted.But to step one more further - I see that: what I wanted - was also an effect of an another cause - why I specificly desire that kind of girl and why I did let to this to end up as a habit.

And when I say I stop - I wanted to say that can I direct myself according to what I really want - and in fact while experiencing this "I STOP" - why I want to stop and what I want to stop?

Is kind of program - computer program as I see - a graph - and in this graph there are pictures - what has been set up by simple words - and by theese words - pictures built up - and this is a HUGE graph in my head - and by input - this graph - puts out words in specific reactions - simply as I see the world - by my mind - and it is just because of it's size - does not exclude that can be simply a model.A model of what I learnt to perceive as myself.And by this model I simply programmed myself - and by this - I am within my own program of systematic behaviour pattern as my personality - as myself.

And basically I see here that this is not who I really am - and when I say I stop - I can stop who I really am - but because of the intense relationship network what I built up according to my perceived experience - I automaticly react within this system as this world.

And the raper is the same - the killer is the same - simply reacts in a specific way as it let to happen - who is the responsible?His teacher? His mother? The president or Julius Cesar? Or me?Why me? Because I did let it happen - and ignorance is not bliss - because it looks just an excuse - when I see that who I really am here and realise that everything what is here - because I am here.So if I did let to happen - I allowed and accepted - so basically I am responsible - as everyone collectively.

SSsoo I like to write - I write always anyway - because it is stable and is one and equal with me if I just write in self-honesty as it comes and just breath and typing...

I tried to explain some things in my videos and some are just great - and there are some cool faces on youtube who can express - 'another desteni vloggers'...

byytala

after then he posted to my youtube page this:penbus492 (5 days ago)I had a bit of trouble understanding your verbage. Please explain a little better without all the funny within and as the moment talk that souns alot like Destine Productions and that becomes very annoying to the intelligent beings that actually understand words and sentences that make sense.lol. I'm not sure if its because you are hUNGARIAN AND MAYBE NOT THAT FAMILIAR WITH ENGLISH OR IF MAYBE YOU were just being poetic however, it is very hard to understand that kind of talking so please dont be offended I just would like to actually hear what you have to say.penbus492

and finally I wrote this :

talamoon (1 day ago)you have to find out what theese words mean - not just a phrase LOL

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to experience the silence that is me, the moment as me, the breath as me.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become very busy within my mind to actually running all the time with and as thoughts and feelings and emotions - instead of just breath here silently.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to not have any desire anymore.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to have more good computer just because then it would be more fast and more usable and I defined myself according to my computer because I spend much time front of it and in truth the computer is me - so within the self-definition I built up a need to be better instead of just enjoy what is here as me as one as equal.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate instead of realising that I procastinate myself as who I really am.I forgive myself that I have defined dialogue with an another human as I can not be this inner silence as breath and 'pure expression as moment'.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that when I am not aware of the breath, when I do not hear here my breath as me - I am not here, but I am within and as the illusionaric mind what I created to hide from myself.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge other beings - instead of realising that other beings are actually me - and within the judgement: I judge myself.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according the picture presentation of myself.I forgive myself that I supress desire and within my nightdreams I extensively experience sexual stories.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to substitute my sexual desire with the occupations what I do such as making music, videos.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention from desire instead of just stopping desire within and as the moment when it happens trough applying self forgiveness.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to fear from lungcancer just because I had very intense pain within my breath.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to program myself to define myself according the experience of fear.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself trough the memory what I can access about my experiences - instead of realising that is the actual judgement what I collected, and hold as self-definition what is totally illusionaric, separationbased and will disappear.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust me about I can be inner silent continously within my act and within my expression - stabily - this is what I must develop, this is who I am, this is life.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself trough manipulating the using of words according to memorybased-definition-judgement-polarity system.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to do things just to 'loose the focus' from the breath - not realising that within this very act I say 'I do not want to hear, experience what is me here, I want to experience what is not here, what is not who I am' - but it is impossible - I am all ways one and equal with and as who I am here.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself as thoughts.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself as emotions.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself as feelings.i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself as the conscious mind.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself as the subconscious mind.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself as the unconscious mind.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me, as moment as me here.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to forget in the morning that when I think, I am not here.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define waking up in morning as thinking.I do not need to think to actually wake up in the morning - I just wake up and I am here as breath as moment - without thouhts, without desires, without fears, without any emotion or excitedness or feeling.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to walk just breath inner silently when I walk to work.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think when I am on the tram with many other people, instead of dare myself to breath and remain inner silent and experience what is here as my presence.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Here I am experiencing huuuge pain multipe parts of body are in different types of pain...quite intense, some moments I am just here as this experience = and what is interesting when I was moving in the city(post office, billpay, standing in line) I had only one chance: to do what I do, slowly step and walk and just breathe and even when if it is really painful to take a deep breath - do it - and if I do not take "whole" breath - the pain is less - so I push myself to breath naturally yet not supressing the expression.Because in fact I am the breath - so if breath hurts - I hurt. If I hurt then I loose something then obviously when I can loose anything then just let it go...

Kind of feet pain and toe, and kidneys, and chest and lung - mostly right side.Every breath is painful - yet is very assisting as brings me here - because the pain is here - I am here because be aware that the pain is not necessary to let's dare me to see why it is here. I am responsible.Possible that because I am kidding with myself and with others about being self-honest but based on some events I still let past to determine me instead of take courage and break trough as standing up and not supressing any what I would like to say to somebody at the moment but I do not do because the 'events were not appropriate to this' so it remained inside of me and not cool. So I learn to not supress and not personal but I have to say I have to act as the moment comes - anyway I loose myself and will regret what is unacceptable. Because it is more clear so more intense.Probably I overworked my body while dancing, because I did not stop when I felt hmm I am getting tired but I was like so much enjoying the intense movement to the music and just dance so I was not here - because pain is indicating I went too far. So no more like this anymore.Also I was swet and maybe I got cold around chest or kidney and this is why this really intense pain is here...Actually was interesting because of the pain I did not really considered about other people - not even judging, because I had to focus on filling the bill while I was in the queue and I just did and was a kind of cool - about just be - and of course without pain would be better but who knows - no separation - I embrace pain, I embrace solitude and within the suffer I realise what is not necessary and let it go.Obviously I stopped many obsessions about to harm my body and more I do as I stop to abuse trough not being aware what is here within and as this body - meaning not too much dance and not too much walk and not letting getting cold when is obviously chilly.This right foot thumb what was broken in last august - now really hurts and the muscles within my calf are like burning when I move. And kind of knifestabbing thunders into my right kidney, even after a blurp. Kind of my right chest with my part of lungs and kidney are one big amorph entity as one huge pain-amoeba existing and just throbbling inside of my body. Systems. Shit lot of systems. Self-definition: let it go. Participate within past: let it go. Let all go.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define everything what I focus on. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define focus as defining.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what I am focusing. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience stability when I am defining something - not realising that within the act of definition, I am participating within and as illusion as self-dishonesty as self-definition as deception what I manifest according to the experience.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use keyobjects to define when I am anywhere - for instance stepping into an office and defining some objects first to be able to participate within the place - instead of realise that everything is in me as me as one as equal. And any inner definition what occurs is not real.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to flow momentary continously just because of definition and within definition hoping in to not need to participate fully to be able to 'handle' the situation.I forgive myself that I accepoted and allowed myself to want to handle situations instead of just direct everything here what is me as one as equal without want or desire - trusting myself as expression infinitely, no matter what.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I am breath of life as all as one as equal here in every single moment.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not tell the truth to specific beings because of the perceived possible definition of outcome what I would manifest by this - but in fact it is illusion. So fearing from illusion to manifest: it will be manifested but not by and as my direction as presence as awareness - more harsh will be what is not necessary.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself lazy because I do not dare myself to be disciplined as I can be.Self-will, self- motivation, self-honesty here I am.I will myself to remain inner silent and just hear the breath and be aware of the obvious fact that I am here and can not be separated from anything.

i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to pain.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to avoid pain.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from pain.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as pain - yet I am one and equal with and as pain, but not only pain - instead all in and as existence I stand as life as all as one as equal.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not be directive just because of fear from people what they would think.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as Bruce Willis because of the facial expression and boldness. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trying to copy behaviours according to action movies to be able to act male ego to get what I desire.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I did let myself to be programmed to desire for what is not here to hide my secrecy of dishonesty.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie to keep up an idealistic picture of me in others to remain dishonest. STOP.

I realised I want too much - and within this too muchness what I defined me to be - I desire to express right here right now - and it is not limiting myself by facing the truth that is not possible at the same time to do many different things - without proving each - one by one that I can express myself as I direct me as one as equal with the way what I do - as it can be music or video or anything.So let's see a possible list what can be done simply and without thinking...Because it is obvious that I want many things because I do not experience - and wanting all - I cant experience because what I want is not real - can not be real - that's why I want, instead of just express me like this...So first stop - stop everything...I've collected many softwares to be able to do many things - and within this like 'the mind goes forward and just doing doing and collecting and never actually LIVING' because within this I defined myself to be this 'going forwardness' - extensively. So Stopping is very common sense.Stop go forward and deal out what is obviously here.1 My loan. I still have almost one thousand euros loan what is necessary to give back. If it is optimal - will be 2 months or three - maximum four. As I more fast want to be done - the more I want to pay back and the less money I have in the month. And I had the notebook, the midi, the speakers what were quilte lot - even became near to the price to fly to SA - but in fact I can not leave my job for some months - because I do want to go SA just like visit one week of course - so I am patient - and I am stabilizing me as breath and dealing out with this loan first. And is important to not let me to plan forward about buying things what I need - because it is obviously a trap - like buying this and this and always facing technical obsticles what can be jump over trough more high tech stuffz - soundcard, groovebox, synth, hq camera, cranes, lights, bluescreen, etc...2 Music - I have plans to make music - and I am not doing - because I say because of neighbours - because I need aloudness - and it is not totally true, but in fact is a kind of matter - so I will face it when I find a place where I can be loud. And until I can learn some tech stuff what are needed for this, like guru beat sequencer and recording midi notes and quantizing. And one or two specific sounds I want to produce what I still could not by the virtual synths - and there is a guy who can give advice, but I wanted to prove, I wanted by myself - and even he offered that he can help - so I will ask how to produce this specific sound - but first I have some ideas what I will investigate..Hmm So the truth is here even within the particles - all as one as equal.So be late.3 Video - I realised that many footages what I can collect trough net, youtube, and various video sites - are not appropriate - almost never I find what I exactly want - but in fact many I could record by myself - for instance train station, nature, with people...And what camera I can use at the moment is not so big quality, by capturing from casette playback, it is cool in 320x200 - so I would like to step over this by using an HD camera.But in fact for be able to handle HD - is necessary a faster hard drive and a HD LCD - of course over the HD camera...And to be able to do amateur cuts - would be cool to have a basic crane-scaffold.And other side - I am tutoring how to make simple animations, simple characters to move - that would be cool to see how to make basic animations - I would like to demonstrate human behaviour with explaining inner movements and how affects the world as one as equal...

I see a little tendency to learn something and doing, and not being totally pro, but stepping to another part of this area, but I do not judge me, because will see what this lead.

And of course this is already manifested, so I focus to the point that am I honest with myself or not. And Many times I see, where is my breath, and here is my breath...And this consciousness has been infiltrated my whole expression - as I start to do something, as it just goes on, and opens it as experience, there is a point when I loose myself as hereness as breath as awareness and simply not here - and this is the point what shows up a point what I built as relationship as geometry within the system and by this it became the definition of me - so when I express - I express by this as this systematic behaviour. And the self-honesty is to stop. Stop participate within the illusion. Because then I am illusion. So be late.

So basically theese 3 are what look the most important to face - who I would be without theese? Why not let theese go? Let me not to have possession, even if it is anything...Why I want to make music, video, film? Am I talented? Bullshit, those are preprogrammed, memorybased dishonesties. Because to show tho the world who I am or who I am not? Or to assist people within the films to direct?Or I definied self-realisation as I am here anyway and there is a need or anyway I can just do meanwhile I am realising myself, and if I would like to choose what to do, then I would choose music, filming? Ears and eyes. Did I define myself according to what I hear and what I see?That's why I want to manipulate theese two frequencies to build self-trust, to see who I am and facing with and as myself as all as me as equal.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be unpatient and wanting everything now - it is because I am in fear of time about not enough...

Is like the last dinner before the rope...But this last dinner is eaten up day by day...Because within this I became this lastness - and wtihin this everlasting lastness hoping and moving trough wanting to stop and wanting one more last time...I forgive myself that I wanted to be director because then I could direct everyone and everything according how want things to be - or how I want things to be done...In fact I do not need to get more proof that I am here and I am the breath of life and when I am not aware the breath within and as it's totality then I am deceiving myself and the all others around me...So I stop to participate within the illusion as thoughts, desires, fears, past, future, defining what is here - because within the act of defining - I am not here only the definition to be faced - is this who I really am?

At this moment is literally painful to breath from the perspective of being aware the breath - and when I am not aware of it - it is less painful - but I dare me to push trough and breath trough this consequence of participating within illusion as self-definition.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not stop within dance when I experience that the body would like to stop - and now I have this body pain by overpushed and that's why I remained at home to not need to go to work because of the pain and unconfortability.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to provocate people trough my unusual facial expression to see do I have any reactions...If I have any reaction - it is necessary to forgive myself accordingly immediately.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think while I am walking.Be sure that next time to see what is the specific thought and what is the act what I do and why are here within me?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move according to the pain I experience. This is indirect movement - not one and equal with and as me as here as breath. STOP. I stop to participate to indirecting me by manipulating people and situations to finally face with the desired experience.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Here just things what I am facing.Actually I stopped seeking girl what is very fascinating. I realised that I desire for touch and that means I do not need girlfriend - I simply touch some girls here and not falling into the desire to 'have' - or to 'obtain'/'possess'. Ok sounds siliy that I touch girls who are here but in fact is cool - not even for sex - but I do not know - still experience some sexual charge - but I see that is possible to just be here and if touch is here then not being touched with definition - because then I experience the touch as me...but if I define the touch - then I experience the definition of touch - and that would mean then I want to reexperience the define of touch again - and never the touch itself as me as one as equal...But if I touch as I touch and without definition I experience - then I am the touch - no need to define - and if no definition exists - nothing separation - I am the touch - then I realise I can not be dependant on touch - only the definition of touch.So in fact stop define while touch and be here.

So this is quite interesting. Because I can touch a tree, or a mouse - and most of the day I do - so be aware of this touch - and I am here.

I simply write what is here. Not else. Not anymore. Simple.I am here and I experience this need to scratch my itchy head - specificly related to hair - as it looks like. So the need is coming to rid off this hair soon. And Dimensions said that is coming from I am accessing specific areas of my mind - do self-forgiveness specificly and stop. So It is mostly here when I am around night - so it is related to tiredness. And when I define from past - it is just here - mostly top of my head - top of my mind - knowledge - as I am obsessed to my mind - and scratching layers up to experience to not need to face what is here but in past.Ok more practical stuff - hair is just getting long and white dust is coming and looks strange and unhandy to wash because dries slowly and poses stranely lol - Why do not cut then here atm? Because it does not solve the fact that I am using mind-access - so it is a gift - to show my accepted nature.LOL.

This lol is very strange because lol can mean like lemonlike unfair grotesque humour as well.

Simply the words are here and without judging I am expression.So I am experiencing this need to make movie - not only silly animations, not only video mixes with music, but in fact script up scenes and direct it specificly to show up on screen. Movie? Film? Maybe. I've read many about screenplays - and I saw very masterpieces of movie history how they made - the directors showed up much much practical solutions as well as theoretical philosophic points.I am very sure that I can learn to write screenplay - I like to play with words - and I am sure that I can record with the camera as I want - and I have in my hand how to cut - of course very basic - now I am starting to practise grading, coloring the movie...So I want to make some films...of couse I want to make music as well - but I still delay with this - I want to find a place where I can play music aloud and without stop - without fear of 'I am too loud' - and I know that no need to be aloud - but I want it hear - I want it hear within me - and then no compromise with anybody - ok I work daytime but at night I can do - so I am preparing to move to another place in 2 months - and I will choose a place where I can do it such perfectly as I can - and while doing - writing screenplays and see how much I can spare to have camera. A little upgrade with the computer and it will be ready to do any what I want - so this is kind of plan - of course is based on desire and illusion but I see what I can do here - I trust me...And I have to be specific and place everyrhing here and amalgamate and just express - and now I start to understand that I can do anything - and the patience is about breath.So I am here and work - and am facing with the fact that I can connect with people - and there are some who I see can be in movie - but this is a huge stuff - so I just start here.So I want to make some movies on youtube just for fun and exploring the capabilities of the programs - much learn is still here.

Also a point to just do the tax report from last year - and throwing away many objects what not need anymore - and not being afraid or hesitating about direct people when I am here and be here - because when no reaction - I direct what is here as me as one as equal.

The guy who I live with - almost never is here - just does not really pay - so I pay all - but after this I will manage to live 'alone' - because I do not need now big view as here it is - as park, island, river, sunrise - I would like to focus what is to be done - music, and a place where noone I disturb and I wont be disturbed.

I sratched my head and wanted to figure out why I want to direct film - and I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scratch my head and I let myself to think about why I want to do something - and why I need to think about making movie.

I see many stuffs - and I see many points within humans what I want to show up - what I already realised - and what I am realising so manifesting - and within this I can script it up or down - and be able to take apart and show it up on screen and bring it up trough sound expressions - and within this stabilizing me and my expression as one as equal here and realising who I am and who I am not - and sharing it unconditionally.

So this is what I focus atm: sound and picture - the 2 things what the most occupying me within this existence. And both are me.The music I need more tech and practical skill - how to record and reproduce sounds and mix - and do it and do it and not bother to ask just go to others and ask who are doing this since a decade.The video is a bit same - but more likely can be directed and needs more teh stuff - but in fact this is the same - sound waves or visual waves are similar - but picures effects minds more directly - and within this simply I direct.This desire to direct - to be able to direct - the movie - me - and the situation - because it can be - I can direct - so let's prove and within proving let it go - let the production flow - go and I am here because I am the expression.

This practical stuff came up: build electronic stuffs: like computer-driven mechanical stuffs, robots, tesla-inventions - and just program them to do stuffs - will see - but first is music, second is video and third can be that - and dont forget about the loan - is still here - that is the most prioritive to just have to be done and it's gone.

Until march looks like I have this job so no need to fear from lack of money - but important also to find a cheap and very cool place to rest and produce.Because I am productive, I am production. My foot are on ground and I stand.Even the fall is not fall because I am facing with myself and just be self-motivated, self-willed, and let myself to be confortable with myself and breath and be self-honest absolutely.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to being obsessed to ass.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define touching woman ass as beautiful.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think about touching ass - instead of realising that within the moment I judged the moment what I am in and as wnd and after judging - a need comes as think 'away' from here - but in fact this is about what is HERE.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to program myself and automatize to not be here - to judge what is here - to judge what is acceptable to experience trough my mind and what is not.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as periodically stable - and within this allowing dishonesty and pointing to the periodicity itself - separatedly from me - but in fact I am responsible here - to participate ideas such as periodic I am within the expression or within the participation what is here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to manifest many desires what I wanted instead of just being here and being comfortable with my presence and experiencing my expression here within and as the breath of life.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to being directed to situations and when no escape from the responsibility - playing about I am well a bit not comfortable because suddenly I became responsible - but it is prechoosed - so I just accept and facing,I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to stand up for me when is necessary without any concerning - and when others do it for me - complaining inside about I should stood up, and when it repeats then I re accept the experience and experiencing that as weakness - instead of stand up and breath here and accept what is here without judgement.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become unpatient within my expression - because I allowed myself to influence with a knowledge about a foggy imagination what I would like to manifest but in fact it is not clear - that's why I do not manifest just naturally as I breath here.I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to want many things in the same time- not allowing myself to focus onto and as what I am actually doing.I am here - I am here and I am doing what I am doing and I trust me and I express myself and I do what is necessary - and I do what is here.I forgive myself that I want to manifest many things in the same time - instead of just doing one and it is done.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use my human phisical body - using as a tool - as a vehicle, as a machine, instead of realising that this is undivinable from me - this is unseparatable from me at this moment - because I am the responsible for this body and I am within and as this human body - and if I am here - I experience the body as me as one as equal and can experience the breath of life as me here.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to breath properly instead of just applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective application within self-honesty immediately and not allowing emotional movements.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to charge up emotionally trough participation within specific thoughts such as sorry or fear or joy - separatedly from me, because I judge before experience - STOP.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use seeksual desire as a tool to divert myself from here.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to have very high-tech stuffs to make the best - instead of just using what is here and not using this need as an excuse, because that's why I am not expressing myself, because of the lack of tech stuff, such as soundcard,michrophone, lights, cameras, etc.I forgive myself that I use knowledge instead of just live - especially about allowing myself to continue dialogs aloud about old spiritual friends - about how they misunderstood - instead of just being here and embracing all and within the moment when is here just expressing myself without fear, judgement.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from change.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from loss.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself trough my human phisical eyes.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to have punk hair and speaking about to others instead of just do and will see the consequences.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be professional musician, animator, director, photographer - instead of just express myself with and as the instument, as the computer, as the camera, as the script, as the pen as the paper as equal.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from expressing myself naturally when my face is like not really flawless - instead of realising that I am not the picture.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust me unconditionally.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to touch velvetlike woman skin.i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define smooth woman skin touching as joy - and defining it's experience and then desiring after the re-definition of experience.I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become possessed to definition.i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become dependant to redefinition.