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10) Make A List Of Her Negative Qualities – I’m not talking about a Pros & Cons list, or even a Venn Diagram (aptly named for its creator, mathematician John Venn). I’m talking about a list of all the foul things you used to think to yourself during heated arguments that you swore to yourself later you didn’t mean. For example, here’s a list of negative qualities I’ve just now formulated in my head about a particular ex-girlfriend. She’s too self-conscious; her nose is too big for her face; she doesn’t understand how to engage in good sex; her parents are psychotic; she’s psychotic; she cries too much; she’s too uptight; she has no discernible talent; she could be considered slightly overweight; she’s a bit on the short side; she can’t cook; she’s weird about poop; her sense of humor would play well in a room filled with ninety-year-old Jewish women; she has no fashion sense; her face is hairy. Do you see what I’m getting at here? Who the fuck would want to date somebody like that. (Answer: Me. Like I said, she was petite and neurotic, which meant she had a really tight vagina)

09) Write Out The History Of Your Fling – Don’t put that pen down yet, young man. Your next task is to accurately describe the entire course of events you just experienced, whether it was one night at a bar or thirty-six months of courtship. You’ve gotta make sure you get the whole story arc right, from the time that you met to the weird sexual frustration and its inevitable payoff, and the climax and the nasty break-up. You can’t leave out a single detail. I don’t know why this helps us get over the women we love who have scorned us, but there’s something about being constructive with your time and making a conscious effort to be 100% honest and fair in your assessment of events that pacifies us and makes us not care so much about the recent loss. In fact, it might even help you realize that you can easily replicate all the best parts of that story with somebody else who won’t cheat on you after a class reunion with some douchebag she fucked once in high school.

08) Roll With Your Boys – It’s like all the great relationship advice experts say: the next-best thing to having a cute little dog as your wing is having a living, breathing human as your wing-man. If there’s a group of dudes you’ve known for a long time who are also single, you’ll be able to run countless routines on sluts at local bars who are there just looking for a reason to drop their dewy-moist panties and hump a fresh dick (now’s a good time to mention that you need to shower and wash your dick thoroughly on a daily basis). I don’t know whether it’s a weird psychical power that “bros” share with one another or what, but if you put them in a relatively normal bar with relatively normal girls, pretty much everyone is going to get laid. I think it has to do with friends pointing out each others’ best traits in front of impressionable ladies. Whatever it is, seeing this phenomena in person is marvelous. The smart dude will pair up with the tall blond, the funny one will bag the fairly attractive brunette, and the tubby guy will take home “the remainder” (that’s the mathematical equivalent of a girl who the other two dudes realize has some sort of deformity — either physical or emotional — but they don’t say anything because they know tubby guy won’t notice).

07) Get Caught Fingering Her Ugliest Friend – You can’t sleep with this one, as that would be sending a really negative signal to the poor ugly girl, but if you can find a way to somehow get caught with half your hand entrenched in that bird’s nest between her thighs, you might just make your recent ex (or the girl who rejected you) think twice about your amazing sexual prowess and desirability. Naturally, this one has a tendency to backfire, and when it does, you have to be prepared for months or even years of insults about how you’re a “pork diver” or something. Be careful if you choose to go this route. You should probably look ahead to #4 and try that one out, unless you’re sure you can get away with this.

06) Buy A Gun And Go Hunting – If you live in a state that allows deer or fowl hunting, you should amble on down to the corner store and buy a sweet looking rifle, then go kill some shit. If you want to feel like a real American hero, I’d go for some sort of semi-automatic piece, or even a really bitchin’ handgun, like mustachioed cowboys used to duel with back in the wild, wild west. But wait! There’s more! Before you stop paying attention to this advice column and start daydreaming about your new gun, you have to remember there’s hunting involved, too! I hear there’s nothing more exhilarating than taking the life of a small, defenseless creature, and then eating it. You know what? Women are small, defenseless creatures too, so maybe killing that quail, duck or doe will fill you with enough manly confidence to make it through the rest of your day without thinking about the evil bitch who broke your heart and stole your dog. There’s a slant on this rule (known amongst the fraternity of dudes and bros) called #6b, and that entails buying a lot of Alka-Seltzer tabs and feeding them to birds and pheasants at the local pond. Or, buying a hand grenade and blowing up some fish. Fuckin’ fry those fish up, and you’ve got a great tasting dinner.

05) Combine Any Of The Following: sleeping, a peacock, beating up children, marijuana, bowling, swimming, red wine, skiing, gambling, fast food, shopping. Basically, whatever your favorite hobby is, indulge yourself. Also, combine hobbies. Can you imagine smoking a ton of pot, going skiing, meeting a group of elementary schoolers and beating the shit out of them? That sounds awesome. What if you take a bunch of sleeping pills and go shopping for a new bowling ball, then drink and go bowling. That one seems too good to be true. What if you fill up on the an “animal style” 4×4 at In-N-Out, drink an entire bottle of red wine, steal a peacock from the zoo and take it to Vegas for a night of poker. It doesn’t matter how you combine your hobbies, there’s a shit-ton of ways you can have fun while taking your mind off your current love interest and the fact that she’s once again comfortable taking many, many strangers’ penises inside her probably-shaved, probably-quite-cozy vagina. By the way, I met a guy named Maxx (two X’s — the second is for extra coolness) at the bar last weekend, and he says that girl you’re trying to get over, “gets so wet I glided in liquid-smooth.”

04) Sleep With Someone Else – If you have fifty friends, twenty-five of them are going to tell you to go out and sleep with a random girl, and twenty-five are going to tell you that’s the dumbest fucking thing they’ve ever heard. Trust me, this has happened pretty much every time I’ve found myself in a position where I need to get over a girl. I’ve tried it, and to be honest, whether or not this makes you feel better is entirely dependent upon your personality and your ability to strip yourself of any and all emotions. One of these days I’ll tell you about the last time I went out with a girl intending to fuck her just to get my mind off the girl I really liked. The amount of mental torture I endured over the course of the evening was enough to fill an entire psychology textbook. But that’s me. If you’re cool going to the dive down the street, honing in on a lonely girl, and hate-fucking her to the point where, after you’ve both come, she’s not even sure she likes dudes anymore…well sir, you’ve just proven to the world that you’re a man again. Welcome back, buddy.

03) Old Dude At The Bar – I got this one from somebody else, so I might as well reprint it in its entirely as opposed to paraphrasing it. Find the nearest “old man bar” near your house, go in and sit next to the oldest, nastiest, saltiest-looking old fuck in the place, sit down for a second, order an old man’s drink, take a sip, sigh loudly and say, “Ugh. Women” under your breath while shaking your head. The old man should take your hint and proceed to tell you a number of stories that are going to absolutely blow your pithy tale out of the water, and make you feel like a gigantic asshole for even pondering why some bratty, spoiled whore doesn’t like you as much as you like her. During the course of his storytelling, be sure to buy him a few rounds of drinks so as to keep him talking. Odds are he’ll remember a few gems that even he thinks trump all the other tales he’s imparted to you. Once you’ve heard the filthiest, most depressing stories of your entire life, you can get up and leave the bar. I bet you exit feeling like a million bucks.

02) Drink Constantly – We’ve all tried this one too. It’s fun for a while, but it’s also cost prohibitive because the really good whiskeys and tequilas are going to set you back a few dollars. Drinking an entire bottle of Blanton’s every night can get expensive really quickly (note: for $14.99 a bottle you can substitute Old Grand-Dad and feel good about it). And though I do not condone drinking yourself unconscious night-after-night, it’s not a bad way to live for a week or two, just to get all that depression out of your system. It’s like detoxification through intoxication or something. Once you make your way through the haze you’ll be able to climb any mountain and jump any hurdle life throws at you. You could also die. There’s a chance that in one of your drunken stupors, you’ll say something really endearing to an attractive girl who will take pity on you and try riding your whisky-damaged dick straight on ’til sunrise. Drinking constantly is a great idea because it opens the door for you to complete any other task I’ve laid out for you in this list. It’ll give you the confidence to fuck a stranger, it’s a good excuse to roll with your boys, and your writing will magically turn into Hemingway-esque prose. Or you’ll die.

01) Be The King – This one is my favorite, and I recommend it to everyone. In fact, as recently as a few months ago, I was taking my own advice and living like a king. What makes it so awesome was that I’m flat-broke, and there was absolutely no reason I should have been treating myself like a king, but I went ahead and did it anyway. How does one achieve this level of self-satisfaction? It’s easy! Start by exercising. In general, leave the house and do really fun things either by yourself or with your friends, pick a new hobby and commit yourself to it, eat and shop like you are royalty. The last time I felt bad about a girl I spent $300 on dinner for some friends and myself at the most expensive steakhouse I could find. We got obliterated on red wine, dined like sovereigns, and laughed uncontrollably through the meal. Afterwards, I bought a bottle of Knob Creek and we shot it all in a matter of minutes. The feeling carried over for at least a week if not longer, and that was just by living like a king for one night. Imagine what you could do if you actually had some money and the drive to spoil yourself rotten? Why, I bet you could fuck and suck and laugh and eat and drink your way to nirvana.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that you have to save reflection and self-examination for later. Don’t be a fag and write mopey songs or poetry or any of that shit. There’s no time for that now, you’ve got to give the wound some time to heal (like a vagina after childbirth!), don’t fret over it and pick at it. You’ve got the rest of your life to figure out why that particular relationship sucked, so why not think about it later, after you’ve found true happiness by some other means. I would never steer you wrong, my friend. I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you. Except for when I’m not. So please…stop calling and telling me the same sob story over and over. Don’t be a pussy. Be the king.

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