Should You Change Your Sexual Habits for Your Partner?

Over the course of a romantic relationship, there are bound to be times when your sexual interests diverge from your partner’s interests. Perhaps you enjoy having sex at night, but your partner prefers morning sex. Maybe you desire sex about once or twice a week, but your partner would like to have sex once or twice a day. Or maybe you fantasize about being tied to the bedpost, but bondage is not one of your partner’s sexual fantasies. Although a satisfying sex life is an important part of overall relationship happiness,1,2 sex can also be one of the most challenging issues to negotiate in a romantic relationship.2 Romantic partners may disagree on when to have sex, how often to have it, and what those sexual activities involve. If romantic partners have differing sexual interests, what can they do?

A recent study suggests that, at times, changing sexual habits (or making sexual transformations) for a partner can benefit the relationship.3 Specifically, researchers asked romantic couples how often they made sexual changes for their partners (e.g., had sex more frequently than personally desired or engaged in activities that were not their preference), and how they felt about making these sexual changes. People who made more frequent sexual changes for their partners had partners who reported being more satisfied in their relationships. In addition, people who felt more positive about changing their sexual habits for a partner felt happier in their relationships and had partners who reported greater happiness as well.

All study participants also indicated their current level of intimacy in the relationship (i.e., their perceptions of how often their partner hugged, kissed and cuddled them). Interestingly, making more frequent sexual changes for a partner was especially beneficial for people who perceived low vs. high levels of affection from their partner. It seems that in relationships where there is less physical affection (which is typically linked with lower relationship satisfaction), making more sexual changes for a partner can protect against the negative consequences typically associated with lacking physical affection.4 Making more sexual changes for a partner may create additional opportunities for closeness in a relationship, which is particularly important for couples who are less affectionate.

It is not clear from these findings why making sexual changes for a partner is beneficial. It may be that people who make more frequent sexual transformations are simply engaging in more frequent sex, which is linked to relationship satisfaction. It is also possible that people may sense their partner’s efforts to meet their sexual needs, and feel more relationship satisfaction because their partner is making those efforts. Either way, these findings provide some additional evidence that being GGG is beneficial in romantic relationships and suggest that even if you prefer having sex at bedtime, you might want to take one for the team and engage in morning sex every so often.

The article "Should You Change Your Sexual Habits for Your Partner" was informative as far as it went, but it omitted a major caveat. In a healthy, loving relationship, changing sexual behavior to please a partner may be part of the normal flexibility and compromise that makes us feel appreciated. However, there is a dark side to this issue. In abusive or coercive relationships, engaging in unwanted sexual behaviors is often the price for avoiding physical or psychological abuse by a contemptuous partner. Abusers often coerce or force their partners to become involved in unwanted sexual acts, ranging from unwanted intercourse to exposure to pornography to participation in group sex. The purpose is to control and demean the partner. A typical pattern of psychological control includes telling a partner she (or sometimes he) is "frigid," or "uptight," and insisting that the coercion is normal and justified. My concern is that this article could be used as justification by the abuser in such relationships. Yes, it is a good idea to try something new - IF you want to, you feel free to say no without fear of repercussions, and your partner is willing to do the same for you. For more information on the topic of intimate partner sexual abuse, see the excellent website www.AphroditeWounded.com, which has information for survivors and professionals.

This is a very pertinent point, particularly with the modern proliferation of pornography which is driving male demand for brutal, degrading, harmful and dangerous sexual acts, most often to the detriment of women.

I totally agree that pleasing your partner can be beneficial, but also has a dark side. In social psychology we would think of this as the difference between communal strength - a motivation to meet your partner's needs and unmitigated communion - deferring to your partner's needs at the detriment of yourself. We find many relational benefits for people who are communally motivated, but negative consequences for those who are high in unmitigated communion.

The article was meant to imply that in a loving, mutually beneficial, consensual relationship, sexual compromises can be good for the relationship. I appreciated you presenting the darker side that if this is coercive or feels degrading or uncomfortable, it reflects negative, or even abusive patterns in relationships.

When you first start dating I would think getting to know each others wants needs desires is key. Its pointless getting into a serious relationship knowing that you are sexually incompatible and are not going to be happy long-term. Communication is the key upfront.

Somewhere in the beginning when you start dating bringing up that you want morning sex on the weekends and anal sex at least once during the week is probably a good idea. If that's you.

@Jennifer .. great points. I don't think wanting to be kinky makes someone an abuser. Communicating why/how you want to spice up relationship beats just wanting to try this/that out of boredom. If people are incompatible then they should just move on. They'll probably both be happier.

is a fine idea, but that doesn't extend to sexual practices that cause harm. In other words, if you don't happen to like anal fissures, don't engage in anal sex.

Another important point you missed is that a partner who is seeking more stimulation in bed may be doing so because s/he is addicted and therefore not responding to everyday pleasures normally. If so, there is no amount of extra stimulation that will satisfy the addict. Better to let the addict return his brain to normal sensitivity before trying to meet her/his needs.