My journey of personal growth out of the pain of my divorce and into me.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Called Out

A dear friend and frequent reader of my blog called me out on
something. After the post on my panic attack about having "animalistic
thoughts about the young man on the bus" she lovingly suggested I am
only kidding myself. Her conjecture is that I am actually suppressing my
feelings about a relationship and that I really do want one, perhaps even
more than I am willing to admit to myself or to anyone else.

Fair
enough, she might have a point. I thanked her for sharing
her point of view, and thought about it. Could she be right?

Could
I be so afraid of a relationship, I'm actually suppressing my true
innermost desires for one and hiding behind my fears? Fears such as:

Rejection

Overstaying the relationship

Settling for someone just because he's nice, but less than what I deserve

Not learning from my past

Settling for someone just to avoid being alone

Or am I playing the "I've-been-in-a-relationship-soooooo-long, I-need-time-for-myself" card too much?

Especially when someone is in front of me.

I've
made it clear I am looking for someone closer to my age this time. The
Young Man on the Bus seemed much younger than my ex is now. In fact, Bus
Man seemed to be about the age my ex was when we first met, 20! I
actually think Bus Boy might be a bit older, though. I'm putting him
around 25.

But, Bus Boy is history
as we never spoke, and he didn't follow me off the bus. And unless our
paths cross in West Hollywood (I hardly go there) or on the number 720
bus (which I only take when I go to WeHo) chances are we'll never meet
each other again in the wilds of Los Angeles. Unless the Universe's
strange sense of humor makes it happen.

I've
also made it clear I believe a relationship will happen at the time the
Universe says it should. I'm also trusting my gut instinct which tells
me it will happen. Sometime, down the road, in the not-too-distant
future.

Maybe my friend was
suggesting I'm more interested in a fling than a relationship. That,
too, is a possibility, maybe even a necessity. Maybe I do need to kiss a few toads until I find my Prince. Perhaps it's the fears of the fling I'm hiding
behind, like:

Disney's The Princess and the Frog

Rejection

Diseases

Lack of expertise

Settling for someone just for the sex sake of it

Hating myself in the morning

Poor performance anxiety

I
believe that a fling, if it is to happen, will happen at the
appropriate time. And I will just know it will somehow all be okay.

But, for now, I'm happy just as I am and also just where I am on my path because I'm still moving forward.

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About Me

I am a retired teacher in Los Angeles, California.
My first novel, Out of the Past, was published in September 2012, and there are several more ideas bubbling around in my head hoping they, too, will see the light of day. Several years ago I wrote some poems and again, some of those might surface here.