Crime of Fashion: Floral mesh pants set

So, on the plus side, those are some mighty fine abs this model is flashing, aren’t they? Wouldn’t you just kill for those abs? Here’s an interesting dilemma for you, though: if your Fashion Police Fairy Godmother was to wave her magic wand and grant you the abs, on the condition that you had to wear this green floral pants set to show them off, would you still want them? Hmm, those abs are suddenly looking a lot less attractive all of a sudden, aren’t they?

Come on then, tell us what it would take to get you into this little beauty? How much would we have to pay you? Or do you like it so much you’d happily hand over the $70 is costs and tell yourself that The Fashion Police don’t know what they’re talking about, anyway? Do tell…

(Also: is it just us, or is that her crotch we can see, peeking through the top "hole" on the right leg?)

Crime of Fashion: Christian Lacroix’s motorcycle-style boots

It’s Lacroix, dahlink! Lacroix! And it’s completely freaking hideous, dahlink! Completely freaking hideous! There’s a slim chance that this is just a very bad picture of Christian Lacroix’s motorcycle style boots, but as that chance is slimmer than a pre-pregnancy Nicole Ritchie, I’d say this is yet more proof that just because it’s designer, it doesn’t mean it’s not fugly. (Sorry, fashion victims.) Bin-liner style legs, feet that look like something your kid brother made at nursery class with the help of some thick glue and the contents of the costume jewellery chest and an overall appearance that screams "look at me!" when, really, you’d want people to look away make these a big ol’ fashion disaster – in our humble opinion, of course.

Luckily the gator is detachable, which might make them a wee bit more acceptable, but then… maybe not. Christian Lacroix invites you to pay £760 for the pleasure of wearing these. Will you be accepting, I wonder?

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Crime of Fashion: Brown patterned jumpsuit by Malene Birger

I’ve been trying in vain to imagine what kind of person would actually wear this crazy, patterned catsuit to something other than a 70s revival night, and it’s no good, I just can’t do it. Or maybe I just don’t want to. This, you see, is a combination of several of my own personal fashion pet peeves.

First of all, it’s a jumpsuit. I just can’t get on with jumpsuits, and I don’t care how fashionable they be or who tells me to wear them, I just won’t do it, and you can’t make me. So there.

Secondly, it’s that pattern. Brown and orange (peach?) never was my favourite combination, and adding violet and grey to the mix just doesn’t make it any easier on the eye, or any less like something you’d see on an old pair of seventies-style curtains.

Lastly, the one-shoulder design. I don’t even know what it is I have against this – I think it’s that it reminds me of ice-skating costumes of the past – but I just don’t like it. Or I don’t like it on this. If you do, well, your luck is in: it’s on sale at My Wardrobe for £152.

Crime of Fashion: Luichiny’s Haidee shoe boots

Well, we’re back from our vacation, folks, and kicking off with a crime of fashion submitted by Fashion Police reader Zoe. Luichiny are fast gaining a reputation for creating some of the ugliest shoes in the business, but I think they may have excelled themselves with this little number, don’t you? They say these would look good with "all your denim or leggings". We say they’d look good with all your other streetwalkin’ gear. Or, wait – not even with that, actually. They’re just fugly. They’re not particularly cheap either, at $149 – do we have any takers?

Crime of Fashion: Matthew Williamson’s ‘Eva’ jersey dress

I realise I’m biased against "loud" prints. I realiset that, and I promise you, I’m trying hard to overcome that bias and be objective about this Matthew Williamson dress, but oh, Matthew, you’re not making it easy on me, are you? Because this? This looks like something a 1970s housewife would turn her nose up at. In fact, it’s the kind of print a 1970s housewife would probably reject for her dusters, given its resembelance to psychadelic sick. Add to that the slightly Western styling of the piping, and we have ourselves one train-wreck of a dress, don’t we?

Crime of Fashion: Hilarious 80s polka dots by Richard Nicoll

Check out Richard Nicoll’s spring/summer collection, folks. Dude is totally rocking the house to ground, 1982-style, with these hilarious 80s outfits. The thing about that, though? He’s totally not joking. No, he is actually expecting us to be all, "Yes! We welcome our new polka dot baggy pants! We will totally wear clothes that have managed to make a size 0 model look like a Tellytubby! And we will wear them with high-top trainers and a kicky little bowler hat, while we’re at it!"