Monday, February 18, 2013

The World Away From Porn

The worst part of my day is late afternoon. The sun is tired, it's yawning across the sky, and sitting underneath it, watching the yellow ball of melting energy drag itself westward adds to my lethargy. I have always hated mid-afternoon.

My first idea was trail mix! Maybe we should eat trail mix for a mid-afternoon snack! The crunchy liveliness of salty bits filled with protein and magnesium! But no amount of crunching and picking through (to horde the cashews) saved me. Trail mix failed to stop the signs of a dying sun.

Then I read a book about a woman who takes a salt bath every mid-afternoon. She found a warm dip in the tub at this time of day was a way to slough off the beginning of the day and recharge for the next portion.

Aha! A bath.

As a Picesan, water is always the first response to every problem. When I put my head underneath the sudsy water I feel like I can finally breathe. And so I added a four o'clock bath to our daily schedule, thinking perhaps I could use some Netflix magic to steal time from my children.

But the children followed me. Not the boy, he who can entertain himself for an entire day with one robotic toy and an imaginative scenario. But the girls, they dash upon hearing the tunes of our squeaky hot handle and the rush of tub water. By the time they are upstairs and around the corner their clothes are stripped leaving behind a trail of snotty, food-stained, cotton accoutrements in their wake.

So we bathe together. Like the woman I saw in the public pool in Norway when I was sixteen years old. She came in the female locker room from the pool with her little daughters swarming around, stripped down nude in front of them, in front of me--the only other person in the room--with no hesitation. Her long, Nordic body was beautiful, showing the shape of a birthing woman. Her daughters danced naked as she tried to dress them. Water dripped off their long hair, down their bodies to puddle around their feet. And me, in the corner, trying to covertly dress myself-- in an American shock at seeing a naked stranger in an asexual situation. But I left the pool in my own chlorined skin thinking, I want to be like like that.

They prod me. They poke me. They pinch me. They ask about the pink snakes on my body which happen to be the proof of their existence written on my skin. Stretch marks! They wiggle my chest and slap each breast like rough dough. Breasts! Yours will grow, I tell them, they will be bigger than they are now. Maybe bigger than mine, maybe smaller, but they will be yours and you can love them too.

But will they love them? I wonder. Are my daughters growing up in a world where the natural woman is becoming extinct? Will they know what a white-haired woman looks like? Will they experience seeing the deepening wrinkles on a woman's face, around her eyes, curling under her chin down to her chest? Will they know more than just a handful of women who have learned to accept their bodies graciously?

I have seen porn. I have watched movies. Not many. Not much. It was all at great expense to be "open minded" and "sexually uninhibited" and "educational." But it left me doubting my own inherent sexuality, in some cases it felt like an act of violence to my spiritual, sensual self. It took away my sexual empowerment. It left me in a fog of stupidity. Is that what I am supposed to look like?Is that the sound I am supposed to make?Is that the reaction I am supposed to have?Why do I feel more offended than aroused?

What did any of it have to do with the way I feel when I am underneath the stars behind on black backs of the Wasatch mountains--when I felt so connected to my eternal self, so powerful and strong? What did it have to do with the early desert mornings when the oranges, pinks, purples and blues illuminate with the sunrise like dusty rainbows in the distance, making me giddy to be alive? Where was the moment when the thunder rocks you home from a walk in the park, baptizing you with water and sound, shocking you into a belief in God? And what about the scarlet geraniums blossoming out of the window planters in the narrow streets of Paris tempting you to never, ever return home again? Or being in that home, rocking your baby, feeling the waves of a little chest slowly, slowly slip into slumber knowing you had part in achieving another creature's joy?

Because those are the moments I feel sexual. It has nothing to do with my body shape. Nothing to do with lust. Nothing to do with the lingerie I might try on. Nothing to do with man-made lights in a hot, sweaty studio. And surprisingly, nothing to do with a partner.

(But oh, to share it with partner? That giddiness, the eternal, the empowerment of knowing all creation is a work of sexual, sensual divine and we become apart of it, together? Yes. Yes. Ohhh YES.)

My sexuality is empowerment. It's the way I feel apart of a huge earth, under that retiring sun and set in motion by a big white moon. It's knowing who I am, and how I feel when my body moves to the motion of the joy I feel. It's forgiveness, it's vulnerability, it's honesty, it's intelligence. Pleasure is pure wisdom.

I have never felt powerful after watching porn, just more submissive, more debased, more stupid and dazed. And what if I were to become addicted to it? Where would those moments of sexual empowerment go? Would they be lost in the fog of pushed fantasy and contrived scripts?

This I will do for my daughters: I will love my body. I will love myself. I will tell them how I love the way my cheeks turn pink and my freckles pop when I feel intimate with the man I love. The way my eyes twinkle and my mind races with questions when I talk someone who interests me. The communion I hold with God in the most private places of my soul. The way I feel when I smell silvery sagebrush after a light rain. The way my body pounds in tune to my heart when I walk up the hills behind our house.

I will tell them about their own bodies. Recognize their unique shapes from the roundness in their nails to the wave of their eyebrows. I will tell them the significance of their female body parts--pointing out the divinely-designed relationships of all the muscles and organs in the body. Like the similarities between the throat muscles and the cervix, and the idea that when a woman has a voice in her life, one that is heard loud and validated, it will often affect the openness and competency of her cervix. Or what I learned from infertility: a menstrual cycle actually is imperative to flushing out toxic thoughts and emotions that build up in our bodies over time.

I will tell them what I know is true: sexuality is intelligence. Education will make them empowered, awareness will open their eyes to truth, compassion will cultivate a body that can give and receive. All of this will do more for their sexual health than any other endeavor.

I will tell them about heaven. One day I will stand in the presence of my Mother in Heaven. As will they.
We will see her shape, the glory of a million creations--breasts that give, a belly that bears, hair that shines with splendor--and we will embrace Her and thank Her for co-creating us in the likeness of Her.

What will I do for my daughters in that tub each day, besides let them discover my wavy, water-loving body? Prepare them to meet Her again, and recognize Her face, Her body, Her sensuality--because it echos their earthy mother--because it echos their own.

Utah readers: over the weekend I saw Happy Little Secrets at the Echo theater in Provo. It's a brave, open play about same-sex attraction, relationships, grief, suicide, family and what it looks like to struggle silently in our BYU/Mormon community. It encouraged me to think we might be on the brink of more openness, more story-telling, less secrets more honesty. It was written by the award-winning playwright Melissa Leilani Larson (Martyr's Crossing) and is a quick 80 minutes of thought-provoking, well-written material. Go see it.

86 comments:

This is such a great post C. Jane. Also I loved the series about porn addiction.I love how you are working lately on your blog and all that you try to do to help others and how you learn and give people the possibility to learn about things which are not usually told. You are awesome.

This was very beautiful and truthful and you may have changed my mind about porn.

I'm afraid I may have offended you with my facebook comment. I hope you understand that I wasn't referring specifically to Mormon culture as being shame-filled and repressed, but to many religious cultures in general. Many people are made to feel ashamed of their sexuality by their religious cultures--I'm glad you weren't. My husband was, and it has taken us years to move beyond all that. Some men are made to feel a great deal of shame over their natural, powerful, sexual urges (including extreme shaming over curious ventures into pornography such as your own) and that makes me very sad. That's what I was getting at on Faceboook.

Thank you for everything you share on your blog about body image and motherhood. There are so many women who hate their bodies in my family, with eating disorders, depression, or addictions across the spectrum, so every time I find something like your writing or the following link (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kim-bongiorno/teaching-my-daughter-to-love-her-future-body_b_2490815.html), I hold onto it to take out when I'm having a bad body image day, or someday when I have daughters, to help teach them what I'm finally learning at 28.

This is it. I am a counselor and a mother to sons and a woman who was once married to a sex addict. And this is what I try to teach those I come in contact with - this is what I try to share with friends and sisters and anyone who is searching for words to talk about something that has become so entrenched in shame and confusion in our culture. I always say - we are not embarrassed talking about our eyes or elbows - why should we feel shame talking about the other perfect parts of our body. Thank you.

Where did you learn that about the relationship between the throat & cervix? And the idea of a woman having a more competent cervix if her voice is heart loud and clear? That rung so true to me when I read it I had to stop and re-read it. Please share a reference if you have one. Thank you.

I was just in a discussion with someone who believes women lose their sexual drive really early. I believe they just don't feel like living a lie any more. That their sexuality doesn't mirror what we see in Hollywood and definitely not what we see in porn, so maybe others believe we aren't sexual. Worse... maybe we even start to believe that about ourselves. Thank goodness for posts like these that remind us of the electricity we feel bathing in the moonlight and that if we ever truly ceased to be sexual, we would cease to exist. We just need to be truthful about what actually brings us pleasure and not accept the cheap imitation the world shoves at us from every direction. Thank you for your beautiful words.

Oh, Courtney what a force you are for empowerment. I cannot even express how needed these words are, how they stand out as a testament against the false thinking of self deprecation women are embracing. Your point of view brings clarity and joy about the female body not disappointment and a consuming desire for "so called" perfection. When I read your words I am enlivened because you speak TRUTH. That's what readers find so refreshing about your blog, you write what is true and beautiful and it is impossible to ignore it.

This was beautifully written. My daughter and I have had many talks but she is getting married in a few months and we will have a more in-depth conversation soon. I will share this with her and hope it will resonate with her the way it did with me. Thank you so much for having the courage to share the truth about yourself with the world! You have no idea how many people you have helped. I am one of those people and I am grateful.

Courtney not only are you pushing your boundries but your writing is beautifying too. Glorious. I completely concur- this is exactly the kind of Momma I am also, also how my sexuality feels, also what I think- I've written blog posts along these same lines, but never so condensed in thought, so purposeful. Great job!!!!

Absolutely amazing. I've disagreed with some of your posts the last several months but this is by far one of my most favorite things you've written. Probably tied with Erin's birth story. Thank you so very much for writing this. This is something I want my daughters AND my son to know. Really wonderful. Thank you C. Jane.

I cannot thank you enough for this series. Someday, I hope that my throat will loosen enough to be able to write my own story, but for now, I will just say WOW!

I always instinctively knew "a menstrual cycle actually is imperative to flushing out toxic thoughts and emotions that build up in our bodies over time." But I've allowed my culture, misogynistic marriage therapists, and my own self to tell me that it was PMS. The truth, I've discovered, is exposed to harsh daylight as my uterus sheds it's lining.

A beautiful eloquent post....My first husband came from a Mormon family of four boys and a mother who appeared to hide her sensuality/sexuality -inexperienced with women, porn was his education....and it was so wrong. I felt pressure to be like those hammed up women in those ridiculously orchestrated scenarios. Even though it didn't feel right, I didn't know myself well enough to know what it meant for ME to be sexual. His confusion led to my confusion and I lost myself.

I am teaching my daughter to love an get to know HERself. To find power in HER identity, womanhood and sexuality, in the hope that no one can make her question it.

This post was such an answer to my prayers. These are the words I need to pass on to my daughter. You can't know how much I needed this, but thank you so much for sharing your talent of writing. This was absolutely beautiful.

this resonates inside me, c jane.and clearly inside so many others as well. so i will add my thanks.

i would also love to "discuss" with you how these amazing thoughts impact mothering a son. i am a mom of one boy (so far) and i often think that it is so important and overlooked to teach our young men these same lessons. i want my son to be equipped to love a real, beautiful woman one day - complete with wrinkles, grey hairs, whatever marks time may leave on her body - and i want him to learn to love his own body in its masculinity as well.

BEAUTIFUL! Oh how I've loved this series. Thank you for sharing about our Heavenly Mother. Gave me chills. Cjane, I so want to love my body. I have been really struggling with my postpartum body after giving birth to our beautiful daughter (at home) 8 months ago. I have struggled with body image since I was in elementary school. More than anything I want to teach my daughter to love her Godly body. I also want to teach my son how powerful our bodies are (men and women). He was present for his sisters birth and I know it will be a very special experience for him to recall. I hope that will be the beginning of him honoring women and loving their bodies for what they were designed to do. This moved me!

Fantastic and SPOT ON! Beautiful in its honesty and freedom of soul and spirit. You are a bright beacon that many of us need to see reminding us where we are going and showing us a graceful way to get there.

So many of your ideas are similar to what I taught my son (my only child.). When he came out to us, I had to work twice as hard to remind him that sex is sacred because society has such negative views of gay and lesbian sex and sexuality.

It took moving here for me to start loving my post partum body. The woman here walk with pride--a beautiful pure pride. They walk along the beach I can tell proud of their after baby bodies. And it is beautiful to see.

I don't know what made me feel the need to be very open with my body in front of my girls. it is something I didn't have growing up. Something in me must have known that it needed to be different in my home.

Everything works out wonderfully when we listen to our own mother voice. Even if it is something foreign to us, I always try to listen. You are teaching your girls such important things. Raising a generation of girls that are strong in many many ways is what our world needs right now. Good job mama CJane!

i am often wanting to comment on your eloquent ways of interpreting life and all its glory... looks like this post finally got me to do it. seriously, you are an inspiration. your words are gorgeous and honest. i only wish everyone everywhere could read your blog... the effect it would have! thank you.

Courtney, thank you so much for this beautiful essay. I have been increasingly angry at my body lately. Even though it has given birth to 5 beautiful babies. I have not felt feminine. Your writing helps me begin to see that my body is beautiful, no matter what the world says. I have 2 daughters and I don't want them to feel about their bodies The way I have felt about mine for far too long. From The bottom of my heart, thank you.

Ugh. Maybe because my throat doesn't have a Cervix to partner with, but this essay is just too self-indulgent and trite for my liking. The themes have all been said before and they have certainly been said better.

Dearest C. Jane, I think you are an intelligent, discerning writer and woman. You have tapped into a spiritual reservoir that you draw from regularly and then share with us. Thank you for that. I appreciate reading your wisdom and it makes me recommit to communing more with the things I know to be true and the things I am still yearning to know.

C. Paul is an idiot (whoever he is). What you just said needs to be said over and over again. I cannot describe how powerful that was for me! You are a powerful force for good and for goodness, and growth.I can't thank you enough for your words and your wisdom.

Anne, is it brave to be mean? I can totally understand a difference in opinion, but being mean is never necessary. I don't think it is nice to name call even if someone deserves it. It's amazing how harsh people can be hiding behind their computers. I've been guilty of the same, but calling it brave? No, it is more cowardly than brave. And herd of followers...really? I disagree with a lot of what Cjane writes, but that's OK. I appreciate her views. It helps me see other points. If you feel this way, why do you read her blog? I'm always amazed how many people waste time on things they want to tear down.

I am so intrigued by this line in your post: "a menstrual cycle actually is imperative to flushing out toxic thoughts and emotions that build up in our bodies over time". Starting at the age of 27 I experienced a period (no pun intended) of amenorrhea that lasted about 2.5 yrs. The dr's couldn't tell me why. I am just interested in how you came to this conclusion because I would like to know more about it:)

We get it, Cjane. You don't approve of porn. But I wish you'd just understand that some people don't have "eternal" sex with their partner. Sometimes they don't even love their partner, or know their last name. This doesn't make their experience of their sexuality any less valid than yours. But it's still their right to have sex and to enjoy it. Sex can be many things and for some people, who don't do it within the confines of LDS heterosexual marriage, it's not just about love.

Allison Cross- I get what you're saying, but CJane is clearly and so beautifully talking about her own personal experiences, she wasn't trying to label it for you. I felt from her post her own personal story, not a story to define you or me. Her insight was beautiful and you need to relax and realize the context of the blog you are reading. Do you want her to outline every single sexual experience that everyone has? How could she even do that? Take what you will from her post that relates to you and leave the rest. This was one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read by CJane. It is emulating her honesty and I don't get for one second that she is trying to define anything for anyone else. You probably owe her an apology for your own personal frustrations with this topic and the fact you took it out on her.

Thanks for the laugh. Cjanes's entire series labels pornography — a highly subjective activity/entertainment form as bad, dirty and evil. That's a pretty strong commentary on the legitimacy of a specific kind of sexual activity - a commentary many, many people outside the LDS community do not agree with. So yes, Cjane is labeling me and my sexual experience. That's exactly what she's doing. I'm expressing this in a comment on a public blog posting, and now I need to apologize? Give me a break.

I'd be happy to read a posting here on the very important distinction between a consuming addiction (which I agree exists) and erotica, which has existed since human beings started having sex with each other.

I'd also be happy to read a guest posting from a gay person, a transsexual, or even a young, unmarried, sexual active college student. But I suppose this is too much to ask.

Allison Cross- Thanks for being respectful to me in your answer, I really sense your eagerness to be understanding while still stating your point of view.

I understand that you have a certain point of view but do you know what blog you are reading? Why wouldn't CJane write about her sexuality in relationship to her feelings with her own personal spirituality? She is on here representing herself. Just because she feels differently about erotica/pornography than you doesn't mean her opinion isn't valid. You are doing the same thing to her that you claim she is doing to you. Do you want me to send you some other blog suggestions that deal with the topics you suggested she write about, or do you want her to just cover everything? It sounds like you are not aware that she is not the only blogger out there?

holy shit. i am so impressed with your writing skills. your words are poetry. so so so beautiful. if you lived a few hundred years ago your words would be in our textbooks today. i just connect with you so, so much and we should be friends irl i'm just sayin.

so i just shared on my blog about why i think lds people should support same sex marriage laws. and since you are cjane, i mean i know you will have an opinion on the subject. and i'm in this collecting of opinions mode right now, so please feel free to check it out.

This is so beautiful and TRUE. That idea, that sexuality is not necessarily related to sex and IS related to God and creation and the absolute stunning prettiness of everything, is such an important thing to understand and something I didn't learn to fully appreciate until lately.

I shared this post with some friends and it moved them just as much as it did me. You actually inspired us to start a whole new "Additional Reading" page on our LDS sex/intimacy website (EternalIntimacy.com) -- we want as many women to see this as possible.

You are so gorgeous, Courtney. The definition of a Godly woman. I am deeply thankful for your generosity in sharing your soul so eloquently and honestly. I would love to learn more about your understanding of the feminine aspects of divinity and of woman as creator. How do you reconcile this understanding with the notion of God as father? In one moment, the infinite nature of God seems to trivialize the whole idea of gender-- and in the next it occurs to me that God's genius is, in fact, most clearly illuminated by the precarious dance between the masculine and feminine aspects of His every creation. I have always related to God as my father, or perhaps as my husband. I have not connected to the maternal, female character of God. As a feminist in every respect, I feel great shame in this. I know that there must be a level of awe accompanying such a connection, but my picture of God is limited to His masculine aspects for all of the usual reasons. I would love to know more about your experiences with this, if you would be willing to share. Thank you for continually challenging and inspiring me! You are such a gift to my little world.