Global warming is a worry and all that, but a greater threat to the earth's short-term health is the volcanic heat emanating from Rafael Benítez's seductively balding pate - don't touch it! - after he learned that, according to the ultra-reliable Daily Mail, Chelsea and Manchester City have been courting Xabi Alonso's agent with a view to a £35m deal.

If Alonso does leave, Benítez, buoyed by the unqualified triumph that was Andrea Dossena's first season at Anfield, will buy another Italian: Roma's Alberto Aquilani, a link that prompted the Mill to flirt with a Life Aquatic pun for at least four seconds before deciding that, even by our standards, that would represent a nadir.

Here, instead, is an alternative nadir. In his former career as frontman of the Proclaimers, Everton boss David Moyes was more concerned with pop than art, but now he has decided he wants the Turner Prize - Hull's Michael Turner, in fact, as a replacement should Joleon Lescott move to Eastlands. The destination of the Turner Prize is decided by a jury of one, a man called Brown with a sexx beard and an unashamed mid-life crisis on the go, who can be bribed with a small donation of £8m.

Tottenham boss Harold Redknapp is going to buy Peter Crouch from Portsmouth for £12m. Redknapp is also, according to the Sun, "determined to fend off a £10m bid from Aston Villa for England midfielder Jermaine Jenas". The image is a cute one, of Redknapp in his bunker, swishing furiously as £10m bids buzz around him like wasps, but he really doesn't need to go to all that trouble: just say no, Harry.

The knock-on effect of Spurs' move for Crouch is that Sunderland boss Steve Bruce will buy Darren Bent from Spurs. His first option, Sandra Redknapp, was not for sale at any price.

Harry Redknapp lavs 'er indoors, of course, but he is anything but monogamous when it comes to used cars. He has his eye on all sorts in addition to Crouch: Real Madrid's Alvaro Negredo, Manchester City's Martin Petrov (absurdly available for £5m, according to the Mail) and David Beckham.

Chelsea and Fulham are also keen to employ Beckham as a steward after he dealt really, really effectively, honest, with that boozed-up fan in LA the other day.

Middlesbrough boss Gareth Southgate is mumbling words in the direction of Leroy Lita, chapter one in an affecting story that will come to be known as 'The Fop and The Badass' before being turned into a feelgood buddy movie by Warner Brothers. Lita, despite being an obviously very good player who scored six goals in nine games for England Under-21s, has not found a club since being released by Reading in the summer. It's as if he makes Dennis Wise look like personableness incarnate!