Friday, 3 September 2010

Saving Private Shar' Muel

As many of you have written to us in your own blood recently clamouring for an explanation to why Shar'muel Fiihn has returned after such a long absence we decided that we would tell you the tale of his loss, absence and subsequent return.

The Bloody Loss

One day he just wasn't there, he left a note saying that he thought he could do better Satanic things alone. A sort of evil one man band, if you will. Here is a transcript of the note.

Sup Bitches,

Ba-sick-ally I adore and salute you both as my brethren in the coming apocalypse.However I honestly think that sometimes you two are taking the piss a little bit.

you don't start every morning with a prayer to the antiquericed asking him to accuse you of shit you didn't do, you don't even have particularly good shrines to him in your bedrooms. Bai Naargmbuul, yours is just a shoe box with 'Satan' written on it with some rocks in it you think look rad.Its just a poor effort.As such I am going to elope and start my own roving band of misfits or something.plus living in that tree house is starting to really piss me off.

Yours satanically,

Vice Chancellor Shar' Muel Fiihn

The Bloody Absence

Unfortunately for our cousin in chaos his little foray into lone ranger-esque solitude did not go well. He ended up lost and alone, roaming the countryside baptising what he could, which tended to be stiles and tractors and other rural guff. But alone he was not as powerful as our evil trio and often these baptisms went poorly, sometimes he would actually make those things function better than they had before. For example one gate actually got less rusty and started being a very efficient gate, the villagers of the area ganged together and bought him a basket full of fruits and ham and whatnot.

He hated it.Embarrassed by his failure he went into hiding in a local art student accommodation building.

It was mind blowingly rubbish.

The Bloody Subsequent ReturnAs detailed above, our powers as a trio are noticeably stronger than one of us alone, or two of us. And as such the remaining pair suffered accordingly. They had to find him.But had no idea how.But then they saw an advert on TV (there's a TV in the tree house now, it runs on wood goblin blood) for this thing called 118 666 where you call up and they find Satanist things for you.

We called up and they were like 'yeah we know him he's in this shed thing that some students probably live in or whatever'

and we were like 'oh cool dude where is it'

and they were like 'dunno some field'

and we were like 'oh yeah we know it, safe thanks man, bee tee double yew how much does this phone call cost?'

and they were all like '£6.66'

and although it was expensive we dealt with it.

Then we went and found him.

living in his own filth, look how shit his bed is. look how messy his room is. rubbish.

We found him cowering in a darkened room, tired from house parties and having to talk to shitty graffiti "artists" asking if they could put their tag on his walls. After a short while of convincing him we were friend not foe he rejoined our rag tag band of Necromancers.

We then baptised it for Satan with an upside down cross we created poorly, Shar' Muel had long since thrown his away. We had to smash up their roof in order to make it. I use the term 'had to' in the loosest sense possible.

Here is he being officially welcomed back to we. There were so many people there taking photos of this prestigious and argubly history changing event, Shar' Muel just smiled at the group of them. This was just one of the photos.

And so now he's back.All in all the ordeal took nine and a half years.Time best forgotten.

NEXT WEEK WE BAPTISE THE TALKING TREE IN MOTHERCARE IN MAIDSTONE(you; but its not there anymore! us; yes it is, at the back behind the coats. you just don't know because you never go into mothercare anymore)