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Which by the way, does not rhyme with apple. It’s GRAY-pull. As in, grape plus apple.

I learned this on the Grapple website, along with many other unsettling facts about this overpriced Franken-fruit, which comes in hard-plastic packs of four and reeks of grape bubble gum.

The Grapple is an apple that’s been “infused” with grape flavour, both natural and artificial. Maybe you’ve seen them around, smelled them around your local grocery store.

Don’t be fooled, as my mom was recently. She paid good coin for a pack of Grapples, thinking it was the latest cross-breed fruit, like a plumcot or a tangelo. But no. A regular apple (Fuji or Extra Fancy Gala) has been dunked into a milky-coloured mystery liquid to “infuse” it with that grapey aroma and flavour. The cost is about $4 for the four-pack.

This is an apple with ingredients, people, and I’m not talking sunshine. Johny Appleseed is rolling around in his grave.

You can watch the infusion process on the Grapple website, on their “How Grapples Are Made” video. It reminds me of the Dip in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. You know, that evil stuff Judge Doom uses to execute cartoons. Great job growing big and red and crispy on those Washington trees, my crispy red pals! Now, into the dunk tank! You WILL taste and smell like grape Kool-Aid! Mwah-hah-hah …

“Where kids are concerned, the selection of good fruit choices in winter can be difficult,” the Grapple website explains.

Um, sorry? Have the Grapple people visited their neighbourhood produce section recently? There is a vast selection of fruits, conveniently shipped from every exotic corner of the world in a refrigerated container for our eating pleasure (a whole other can of food-miles-woe-is-planet-Earth-worms). There is no difficulty at all, Grapple, not in winter, not in the middle of the night. Get it fresh, cut-peeled-and-sealed, frozen, canned, dried, hell, get it as an edible bouquet.

What irritates me most is how Grapples are being marketed as a children’s snack.

In fact, this bizarro product — for that’s what it is, a product — is potentially worse for all the kids who supposedly love them. For what IS artificial flavour? We. Don’t. Know. Some nebulous mix of … what? Loreen Wales is a registered dietitian at Revive Wellness, and she doesn’t even have a clue.

“What is it?” Wales wants to know. “That’s the frustration as a health care professional, never mind a layperson, I can’t even make sense of it for my clients.”

Whole foods are sacred territory. There is enough processed crap on the shelves. Do we really need to process the fruit and veg, too? The produce section is the last bastion of fresh and unfiddled-with foods — and even that’s pushing it, given pesticides, fertilizers and transportation.

“I want to know what’s going into my apple,” Wales says. “Why do we need to add artificial flavours to a natural fruit? What’s the rationale for that?”

Some studies have linked artificial flavours to attention deficit disorder and mood disorders in children, she explains. To add them into a fruit is “disgusting,” she says, and without specifics, the consumer can’t make an informed decision.

“These types of products should not be allowed,” Wales says. “We as the consumers need to be kicking up a fuss about it.”

What’s strangest about this product: kids actually like to eat apples. It’s not some problem food we’re trying to shove down their throats. Tweaking the flavour of a rutabaga, or brussels sprouts, well, I could at least see the logic, but apples?

“Why do we have to alter apples in any way to increase satisfaction when there already IS satisfaction?” Wales wonders.

You won’t see Grapples in my crisper, no sir. My family and I are actually OK with apples that taste and smell the way they’re supposed to. Apples ain’t broke, as far as I’m concerned. I see no need to fix ’em.

As for what to do with that magic grape potion? I’ve spoken with the apples, and they have a suggestion. Infuse the folks at Grapple. Have them dive into the mysterious white liquid, and see how they feel about smelling like grape bubble gum.

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