A Grain of Sand

by rheeb

It wasn’t until late 2012 that I could say that I began having symptoms of Somatoform Disorder. In July of that year, I had injured my tailbone while skating. By December, I was still in unbearable pain (and only sat on a tailbone pillow for nearly a year). In addition to that, as months went by, I also began to have pain and itchiness in my left breast that would no go away. Not long after that, I began having chest pains. In May of this year, I went to the gynecologist for a breast exam, which came back normal. I also went to my GP for an exam, and after getting an echocardiogram, a chest x-ray, and an EKG, they found nothing wrong with me. As time has gone on, more symptoms have arisen: foot pain, foot numbness, shoulder and neck pain, tooth pain, knee pain, TMJ pain, spontaneous tinnitus, left side migraines, face pain (and on this one, I went to the dentist because I could have sworn it was one of my impacted wisdom teeth, but he assured me that it wasn’t the case and could find no reason. I still got the tooth removed, though), vaginal pain, eye blurriness, and palpitations. All of these things with no cause.

And while this may sound crazy, I believe, in this moment, that each area of pain that I’ve had corresponds to a soul need. My heart aches because I do not have a love life. My breasts itch because there is no one there to love them. My foot hurts, because I feel stuck in my life. They go numb to deal with that feeling. My shoulder and neck hurt due to the rage I have in not being the person I feel I should be. My teeth hurt, because I feel myself growing old without ever accomplishing anything. My knee hurts because of my fear of moving forward. My TMJ hurts because I feel like I’m simply going through the motions–just holding on until it’s all over. I hear ringing in my ears, because my heart is screaming. I get migraines because the combination of all these things becomes unbearable at times. I get vaginal pain because it’s never been touched by another in a loving way. My eyes get blurry because I am so blind to what I should do next, and I get palpitations, because my heart keeps trying to restart.

Sometimes, I feel so small–as small as a single grain of sand. I feel so insignificant and so unworthy to be human, that I find that I hide away. It’s hard for me to even grasp that someone can be attracted to me or love me as I am right now. So I feel perpetually lonely and in a daze. I wish I could wake up one morning with a new vision of who I am, what I’m supposed to do, and finally be at peace with myself. I just want peace.