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What You Miss by Doing What Everyone Else Does

An unlikely figure graced the cover of a recent issue of Hollywood Reporter. Rachel Maddow, the highly successful host of The Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC, is not exactly your standard-issue female anchor with blond hair, predictable prettiness, short skirts, and high heels. Instead, she is tall, with short dark hair and wears simple blazers. She is also, as the Hollywood Reporter notes, "the first openly gay person to host a primetime news program."

Rachel lives with her partner Susan and is not shy about mentioning Susan on her show. In a publication with a name like The Hollywood Reporter, you know what question she is going to get asked—when are you two getting married?

Rachel uses her platform to push relentlessly for rights for the LGBT community. With regard to Don't Ask, Don't Tell, for instance, she just never gave up. But when she gets asked The Question, here's what she says, "We know a lot of people who have gotten married but I don't think we feel any urgency about it."

The article continues:

Later she admits that she's actually ambivalent about the cultural impact of gay marriage.

"I feel that gay people not being able to get married for generations, forever, meant that we came up with alternative ways of recognizing relationships," she explains. "And I worry that if everybody has access to the same institutions that we lose the creativity of subcultures having to make it on their own. And I like gay culture."

As single people, we are often lectured on what we are supposedly missing by not being married (and if we are not parents, by not having children). What I love about Rachel Maddow's observations is that they raise the flip side of that perspective, a side that is so very rarely addressed - what married people miss by not being single. Or, more broadly, what people miss when they just go ahead and do what everyone else does.

If you are single—especially if you are living your single life fully, joyfully, and without apology, rather than simply looking to become unsingle—think of all that you have in your life that you may have missed out on (or marginalized) if you were married in the conventional sense. If you married and practiced intensive coupling, whereby you and your spouse aspire to be everything to each other, it is true that you would have each other (well, for as long as your union lasts), but what would you not have?

For example:

Would you have the same personal community that you have now? Perhaps you have friends, relatives, neighbors, mentors, coworkers and other people who are important to you, and to whom you devote as much or as little time and attention as you like. You have friends, and you can, if you want to, spend more time with them because you do not have friends-in-law. Friends-in-law are those people who come attached to the person you really do like, when that person is coupled and does not like to venture out without the other half.

Would you have the same potential to indulge in sweet solitude, spending time on your own when that is what you prefer?

Would you have a place of your own, or a part of a place that is organized and adorned in the way that best suits you, including the option of not organizing it or not adorning it at all?

Would you have the job you wanted most (of those that you could obtain) or would you have the job that you would have to settle for in order to accommodate a spouse's wishes?

I've thought for years that the best decisions I have made in school, work and personal life were always the ones where I bucked conventional wisdom. By contrast the times that I followed collective advice and convention, things have turned out mediocre at best.

I'm warped through work to view life through an economist's lens, but in this case I think economics is useful. It's just the math of supply and demand and competition. When one chooses the path less trodden, or the path that no one else can even see, there's a lot less competition and you get to set your own rules as you go. If you want rules at all.

I'd say too that conventional choices are often optimized for a society's rulers, not the citizens. So it's not surprising that an ordinary life is not very fulfilling for the individuals that live it.

I'm finding that having a detached view of things is very helpful, both for work and dealing with married life for a while longer. Someone wrote that if you view a stressful situation the way a visitor from Mars would, and act accordingly ("what would be the best thing to do now?") that gets you through tough times in life.

It seems to work. It saves my emotional energy for things that matter. I'm happy to report that becoming detached and rational is something that gets easier with practice. It seems to lead to better outcomes too. Decisions made on the basis of drama seldom lead to good things, either in personal or professional spheres.

Unconventional decisions have easily been my best decisions. Once you realize that you can set your own rules or not have rules (as logic001 says), you own the freedom to be creative. Forget the path less trodden--you can strike out where there is no path at all.

I think being single was and is central to most of my great personal improvements and successes. I spend a lot of time reading and exploring ideas. Those ideas often collate with one another, spark a new perspective, lead to other good ideas, or lead me to reject some of the noxious things I was brought up to believe. I also spend time trying new things and developing new skills. I've discovered new passions and talents (and become surprisingly adept at them).

When I think about my world ten years ago, I cannot imagine marriage leading down a path anywhere near as enlightening, fulfilling, and well-rounded. How could it, if my time were filled by childcare, petty relationship dramas, and other mundane obligations? How can you implement an unconventional choice if you are held back by the conventional preferences of your partner? Being single has indirectly been the catalyst (and enabler) for many of the unconventional choices I've made, and those choices form the foundation of my happiness.

Is Rachel considered single only because she isn't legally married? I have always thought it was unfair that someone like myself who isn't married but is in a wondeful relationship with my boyfriend doesn't get the same respect as someone who is married. Yes, we do not get any fancy tax deductions because we claim single on our tax forms, but I do not consider myself single, nor married. I'm an in-betweener. I also hate the term "boyfriend," it's just so immature. But I have yet to figure out what to refer him as when I don't use his name. Anyway, that was a bit off topic, but I just hate the feeling that I am considered easily replaceable by his family members because we do not have rings. I guess it really should not matter what others think, because we are so happy together with the way things are.

In the past few years I've been half-in-and-half out of a few relationships. Whenever they started to "fit the mold", I fled. I felt like being a "girlfriend" in a traditional way was too confining and required sacrifices that I was not willing to make.

This makes me sound selfish, right? But I have made so so so many sacrifices for people who are my friends -- who I have no blood or legal ties to. I think that we stop being obscessed with things like blood and legal ties and start honoring the relationships that are present in our lives, we become better, more honest people.

There are so many people to love, so many relationships that we maintain. And single people, as well as gay people, do not get credit for these loves or these ties.

According to the definition, last time I checked atleast, Doing what you do, and does not make you SOUND selfish, it makes you.

And I beg you not to fool yourself into thinking anything against it. But, that does not mean you are just selfish. But, also, Weak, and Immature.

How so?

Well, the definition of weakness is to not have certain amount of requirements to meet a need, and you seem to acknowledge exactly that by inferring "not willing", which is just a cleaner image you put to mask your deficiency to overome your fears of failure. Thats right, even if you get angry at hering this, I don't care, nor will anyone, ten years down the lane, who might seem to now.

Now, Immaturity, by definition, is the inablity to forsee the resulting reaction of a certain ation you take. And if you do understand your trouble with being 'confined' in relationship, why try juggling with someone's emotions who does like to be 'confined' unlike you, and likely to be stupid enough to have faith in you.. ?

And your so-called affliction to your friends, who you help, so benignly, are only as long in your good books, till the time they dont ask you to help, as you like to, when you want, or think you should. If they do, they'll make you a "traditional" friend, and being confined in its borders is far from your cup of tea.. So, you'll flee..

Ever noticed a fundemental characteristic of many humans who tend to do things different, or think in a rather narcissistic patterned difference. It is their want, rather, a subconscious need to pull as much attraction towards themselves, and start as many followings as possible, giving as much ideas about how being different, but, their way of being-different, is supposedly sooo much better that their being like themselves, or the world. Basically, the difference between a differently thinking-and-doing person, who just is happy and content, and differently thinking-and-doing person, who may well too be happy and content, but not obviously content enough to not have followers is that the latter, is dripping with INSECURITY.

If its something I realize after reading many or most of your articles, its that you, Miss Bella, who seems to think differently, by proposing the rest feel good to be like you, or for some reason, follow your choices of life, and be happy, gives away an insecure interior, from which the above mentioned subconscious need emerge.

This current version of Plese-be-single-plese article proves it, as its the most "preaching" article among all of your artcles currently read on your blog. The finale you give to this article kills every objective credibilty, and a broader sense of doing things differently dies out, with that same-ol' ramblings about how being single is great, given in a rather screaming tone to your want of followers, unlike your other so-called subtle screams in other articles here.

As I mentioned in a comment on some other article of your blog, most or maybe many if not most (if it hurts your ears to hear), people single today, are not doing it out of pleasure, nor content, but because, as Singlutionary above, is just insecure, and lacks the drive to be sacrificing enough, that required in that situation of being coupled. She instead chose to flee thinking, whose there to judge, whatever with someone else's emotions who I left midway hurt, life is for me and my enjoyment alone. Talk of narcissisism babe. Karma would follow up soon fasten your seat belts.

The truth of the matter is every thing requires scrifice. A person married misses out on single life, and a single person, misses out on married life. The beauty of life, is in the knowledge, that we must all follow our hearts.

But that does not mean that every one single out there should listen to you Miss Bella. As, she would only like to go and tell every single person who probably lives so, because of the pain or fear a past failed relationship brought them, that they are doing the right thing, and keep doing the 'right' thing.

You really should stop spreading such harmful messages Miss Bella, and try to atleast try, to acknowledge, that not everyone single is becuase of a healthy decision.

I know you will not answer here Miss Bella, because you don't really have anything to. As I presume, the line you give lots, have-seen-enough-offensive-statements-against-my-singlehood-promotion makes a good defensive tactic in your mind, to not answer and rest easy, as your followers would think you are tired of answering offences.

What Bella espouses is that it's OKAY to be single. It's okay to reject matrimania. It's okay to believe (like I do) that modern marriage won't survive the 21st century in it's current form.

Singles DO sacrifice. They sacrifice for charitable causes and friends. If you read "Singled Out," the data is very clear on that. Married people DO NOT sacrifice... as much as single people do. Of course they may sacrifice for each other, but there's no real societal benefit in that.

And I think that's where I personally stand. If you want to be married for your own selfish reasons, that's fine. Hell, I am single in part due to reasons that benefits me. But when you make the claim that married people are somehow more noble and a special class of citizen, and expect everyone to accept that claim without skepticism, that's incredibly rude, haughty, and narcissistic on your part. I do not wake up wishing to be like you or other married people. My purpose on earth holds more meaning to me than conforming to societal norms that should have been abandoned by now.

You are correct in that not everyone is single because of healthy decisions. What you fail to mention is that not all married people make healthy decisions either. If they did, the divorce rate wouldn't be what it is. The number of couples in counseling wouldn't be what it is. The number of couples in physically or emotionally abusive relationships wouldn't be what it is. So what exactly are you advocating?

If you need antiquated institutions like marriage to make yourself feel better about your life, fine. If you think others should follow your belief system in that regard, I suppose that's your privilege. But when you ignore the mountains of evidence that marriage is in steady decline, you are choosing to live in the comfort of an ideological box that's quickly shrinking all around you.

Most people in society will pat you on the back for being pro-marriage, and there are probably THOUSANDS of pro-marriage websites out there. There isn't a whole lot out there for single people, but this site is good for us and other singles because it affirms that we are free to make our own choices and be valuable human beings in our own way, without marriage, and we don't need to listen to any bullshit social pressure from the pro-marriage crowd.

If you want to comment on articles from a perspective of genuine intellectual curiosity, great! But if you're simply masquerading as a marriage salesman who's here to tell us how we're missing the boat on the antiquated institution of marriage, please go away and leave us alone.

What Bella espouses is that it's OKAY to be single. It's okay to reject matrimania. It's okay to believe (like I do) that modern marriage won't survive the 21st century in it's current form.

Singles DO sacrifice. They sacrifice for charitable causes and friends. If you read "Singled Out," the data is very clear on that. Married people DO NOT sacrifice... as much as single people do. Of course they may sacrifice for each other, but there's no real societal benefit in that.

And I think that's where I personally stand. If you want to be married for your own selfish reasons, that's fine. Hell, I am single in part due to reasons that benefits me. But when you make the claim that married people are somehow more noble and a special class of citizen, and expect everyone to accept that claim without skepticism, that's incredibly rude, haughty, and narcissistic on your part. I do not wake up wishing to be like you or other married people. My purpose on earth holds more meaning to me than conforming to societal norms that should have been abandoned by now.

You are correct in that not everyone is single because of healthy decisions. What you fail to mention is that not all married people make healthy decisions either. If they did, the divorce rate wouldn't be what it is. The number of couples in counseling wouldn't be what it is. The number of couples in physically or emotionally abusive relationships wouldn't be what it is. So what exactly are you advocating?

If you need antiquated institutions like marriage to make yourself feel better about your life, fine. If you think others should follow your belief system in that regard, I suppose that's your privilege. But when you ignore the mountains of evidence that marriage is in steady decline, you are choosing to live in the comfort of an ideological box that's quickly shrinking all around you.

Most people in society will pat you on the back for being pro-marriage, and there are probably THOUSANDS of pro-marriage websites out there. There isn't a whole lot out there for single people, but this site is good for us and other singles because it affirms that we are free to make our own choices and be valuable human beings in our own way, without marriage, and we don't need to listen to any bullshit social pressure from the pro-marriage crowd.

If you want to comment on articles from a perspective of genuine intellectual curiosity, great! But if you're simply masquerading as a marriage salesman who's here to tell us how we're missing the boat on the antiquated institution of marriage, please go away and leave us alone.

All my point was, is to not let much talks about how being single, a notion, not very new, is healthy whatsoever the resons. See Dave, there is much about our subconscious that can delude even the most talented intellectuals and experts. Our mind seldom likes to be told what to do, and in an age, where our heart's decisions, are more clearly boxed due to much fear of rejection, or repeatations of emotional injury, it is important to consider the pros and cons of actions before blindly following someone, just because it may seem comforting.

Dave, there is no real way to know that the decisions we make today, that give us happiness for now, if it'll stay that way always. But, we sure as hell can make a point understandable, as thinking and understanding beasts, that to follow always what may seem as the 'right answer' can and may not be a good idea.

I believe everyone's right to happiness is pivotal, and I see no appearent reason as to why a single person be wrong and married be right. If you think I have such notions, then you are sadly mistaken. But, something bout Miss Bella's articles, makes me believe, that many who are singles for the wrong reason, get a boost that (not of course desired by Miss Bella), can invade into their natural process of finding happiness for their real and unique selves.

And to not help single people demarcate between the laws of being single happily, and laws that entail them BELIEVING to be happy being single, 'cause so many are part of the latter too, can turn many a single person's lives into a confusing blizzard of hopelessness aftr a certain amount of time.

Forgive me dave, if I hurted any sentimentalities. I only wanted to exhaust upon a problem that may go overlooked because of its unfortunate subtle characteristics, like many psychological issues, that seem very right for some, but just aren't.

As far as the instituions of Monogamous Marriage go, the reasons of their failure, unfortunately has much more to blame as cause, than just inablity to stay together. And I am terribly sorry, but marriage, is not an idealized word or institution, it is very real, but certainly, the change and growth in today's age has much to do in its failures, but not the only reasons.

As for singlehood, if they may or may not be an answer to these failures, only time would tell. As its said, Evolution would work its ways in ways, that would in the end benefit many, and wipe out most, as always, through change.

And by the way Dave, being married has nothing to do with not 'sacrificing' for friends and society.

If they don't they don't for their not wanting to, the same goes for Singles. Not everyone Single who is, does so. If you do, it is because you are a nice enough person to do so. Beileve me, you will do so, even if you were married. :) Yes, it might have had taken you more efforts to manage your time effectively. But what my point is, is that its not an effective arguement to remain, or say, be single.

Hope I did get through my point.

Dave, humans have irregularities. And flaws. Much flaws. And the epitome of their flaws are seen in the society and through society, by especially its collective views in general, that are resistant to change. The resons for failures of marriage has much to do with the flaws, and I wish being single could have been the best answer to that problem.

Like any problem, the only way to sort it, is through it. Because, everything,comes with its set of troubles.

Two decades down the line, problems with the essence of Singledom, would glare out from subtleties, and like issues with marriage today, those can't again be ignored, but won't addressed by most. There will be found just 'another way'.

Although, an incorrect notion of change, it will be as always be favoured, slowly, but with exceptions, it'll hold through. Only to fail again.

is that the post seems to be missing words in places, or the wrong words are used, so it can be confusing. But I'm (just guessing) that English may not be the first language, so I've been trying to remember that while trying to decipher the words to understand what's being said.

I don't think anyone's trolling -- I think the poster feels that Bella seems to be dictating rules for single life or assuming everyone feels the same as she does. I disagree, however, having been reading this blog for years now. There are a variety of articles covering everything from people's sexual preferences (including "asexuality", or basically wanting none), attitudes of others in our lives, deconstruction of articles purportedly based on scientific findings, etc. I do have a sense of where Bella stands on topics, but she has been more than willing to allow the other points of view on those topics to be discussed -- in fact, she encourages the discussion and presentation of different perspectives in the comments section. Actually, she flat out asks for others' opinions/perspectives in many articles.

I don't always agree or see things the same way, but I can't say I've ever felt like she's preaching to me or that I have to feel the same way as all other singles here (not that everyone here feels the same way about topics anyway). A good example are the articles on "quirkyalone" vs. single at heart vs. coupled at heart -- while she is openly the 2nd option, she doesn't dismiss the other options. I'd probably be more of a "quirkyalone" (though I don't care for the term) than single at heart, but, like I said, I've never felt that that difference of opinion means she isn't still speaking to my situation or has respect for it.

And finally, I just want to note that I look forward to the discussion of the articles as much as the articles themselves. There are many intelligent people here and the discussion is always enlightening. I derive comfort from this blog, but still follow my own mind & heart in living my life (while of course respecting those of others). No blog or anyone will ever change that -- it's the only way to live an authentic life.

Wow, looks like "Miss Bella" sure touched a painful nerve in someone. Eight paragraph rant and personally attacking that other commenter's character with vicious insults?!

Believe it or not, everyone is not the same and does not have the same needs, goals and interests. All Dr. DePaulo is doing is being a long overdue voice for them and encouraging them to be strong even with the mainstream telling them that all single people must have lonely, meaningless lives since they are not procreation based.

Being different than the mainstream does not mean they're anymore selfish or insecure than people who live the traditional way. There's no need to get so over-emotional and nasty about that. And people who are happy and secure in their mainstream lives wouldn't be.

Hi Akash, you sound like you are projecting a lot onto Bella there and misconstruing her ideas. I completely disagree with what you say. In a society submerged in couple mania I believe Bella is only trying to create a communication space for people who want to live happily single and I think she is doing a great job. I don't sense any insecurity in her articles either, I think she self-loving and happy in her sweet solitude and what a wonderful way to be, it is my mission in life to get that point in my self. At the end of the day, we come into this world alone and we leave alone, it is a solitary journey and so our relationship with ourselves is about as important as it gets. I agree with you that sacrifice is a part of life but I don't believe happily single people believe they are sacrificing marriage to be single...they don't want to be married at all...that's the beauty of it! And it is an unconventional road but a wonderful one...and I think people who choose the road less travelled should always be affirmed and supported and cherished for it! Congratulations Bella, I am think you are doing a wonderful job.

Thank you so much Fiona, for your heart warming comment.
There is a warmth that flowed from you heart and touched me. :)

And even if it may have sounded strange to be writing such a thing here, I did not hesitate.

Why ?

Because like you, I am representative of change, of discovering a path new and untold, to reach new avenues of life and love, and why so to only with a soulmate, or any mate. Life, Fiona, is a way to grow. There are growths that can be acheved being single, as in, the growth that can be concluded by us and us alone, and no soul, can help us in that journey in life. And some, that requires to grow together. Such growths cannot be reached alone, and to help, we have friends, lovers, mates and soulmates. Their growths enables ours, and ours, in turn theirs. Like a single entity, clubbed together by many, we march towards growth, that is meant to be reached, together.

What I mean simply, is life by no means is a way to experience one thing or path, but many. Their is not just one road less travelled but many, and experiencing is but a word for the heart, and every individual writes a different story to the same journey as many undertake. What it means, is that the same path will avedifferebt experiences for every individual. That in itself makes every path, exclusive, less travelled, infact, never travelled in a way.

Beneath this philosophical undertone, there is a clear meseage Fiona. A message that defines the very life you and me have. It is to follow our hearts, but not ignore our minds too. Balancing the Life Equation.

By saying all the above, all I meant for you to understand, is that I respect people who have chosen to be single in every way. They are not selfish, and most, if not many, are not insecure and fearful to try. My focus and attentions, goes only to the people who are.

Let me be clear that I by no means try to debunk what brilliant initiative Miss Bella has undertook to make Singles realize their contentment and not to follow what society asks of them to. What I sensed, is that behind the reasons to give comfort, is a slight insecurity and debility to realize a very subtle other-side-of-the-coin aspect, that may be very injurious to the above mentioned individuals who may not be living a life of singledom for the best and healthy reasons. Conforming and comforting words by Miss Bella, may trigger the part in their subconscious minds already resistant to change, for most, the right kind of change, that their heart and soul may deserve, but been wrecked by fear of failure, subconscious or real, by past failures or abusive relationships.

I just wanted my words to make an impact, clear enough, to respectfully, include in her future articles and talks, a way for many, who are not Single for healthy reasons, to consider their conditions, and not give in to some standardized notions to Singledom, considering how many are now confident being so and happy; doesn't necessarily mean they'll too, they should understand.

The exact same goes for married individuals, who should not let their hearts be overlooked by the subconscious resistance to change, by listening to what society sets for them.

That is all.. :)

Thank you Miss Fiona, again, for commenting, and reading so, if you have.

You have a most beautiful name, and a splendid warmth as I mentioned earlier.

Akash - That's really nice of you to be concerned about the people who you believe may be persuaded to be single through the posts here at this blog. However, your concern is unfounded. The intent of the blog is not to convert people to singlehood but to affirm the lives of those who have chosen to remain single. Your concern reminds me a bit of those who believe that society's acknowledgement and affirmation of the lives of LGBT people will "convert" heterosexuals to homosexuals. The arguments seem similar to me.

I would be glad to be of free advise here to make you understand a fact that maybe you hardly knew about yourself, atleast that's what the current situation suggests. And that is, you need to read, with more attention than maybe you do. Or maybe longer articles create dazed circles in your mind leading to improper registration of simply put words.

Well, my fault to that Joy, but I can't let you go down without a real answer to your thought issue here. If you read again, or decide to, try making it a point to acknowledge this: I do not think that people can be persuaded into this sort of thing my friend. Even though humans are downright DUMB, but still not that much to let themselves be 'queried down the lake' like this. My concerns are for those, now plese if you may, try concentrating, those who are Single for reasons that have created a ridge in their subconscious, a ridge of fear to try for possible failure, due to bad experiences, abusive relationships, or maybe just some other psychological issue that creates problems for them to cope with these kind of fears. And worst of all, many have no knowledge of these kinds of subconscious control on themselves, and some who know, don't have the necessary control.

Now, trying either to try to learn about these subconscious debilliting problems sure takes a load, and to those who do, to learn methods to get their minds exactly right asks for efforts too. All of which, which could be easily overlooked, or sided away, consciously too, (or knowingly) by most, (simply because its a lot of work, and any form or change is normally resisted by the mind), by a simple notion of Affirmation Strategy in psychology, a strategy to imply a person, whose mind asks him to stop trying consistently, even though his/her trying may be for the right reasons, and they have fair knowledge of this, that they are right in their paths, affirming their conditions as an OK business, resultantly killing any motivtion or drive to try any further to try to be better than their condition. Many a times, this sort of action is created by default or by indirect influence, much away from the knowledge of the person triggering it upon a victim.

It is such an issue, that would make many who are Singles(for above mentioned reasons), believe that their situation is correct, by indirect affirmation, leading them to not try further, and creating an emotional disaester later in life, where they might find many Sigles happily living their life who they kept as idols back when they started this 'path', but they themselves still unhappy.

You know what, the problem with people like you is? Its a 'looking glass' perspective you have towards everything. Just becase being Single lets many humans like you to set foot in independence terrotory, that screams no QA rounds, no monitoring sessions, and other related issues, there are still much relationship problems that people go through, that can get way more pronounced if to just follow the get-more-freedom-through-Singledom card.

And now, Dear Joy, I hope you get my point, albeit, my grievances lie in this comment gone long too, but any discrepencies, would be gladly sorted by me, if you so seek to ask.

And, last but not the least, the stupid comparison you give about the hetero-to-homo thing, that is probably the DUMBEST comment I have read till date.

"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live" - Oscar Wilde

Akash, you need to read this quote a few times. Dr. DePaulo is not asking (or forcing) people to be single. She is merely showing the world that people CAN be happy single and living single is perfectly ok. Why is this stirring such emotion for you? Perhaps you need to reflect on why people who choose to remain single (and happy) bothers you so much.

Also, Dr. DePaulo worked hard to earn her doctorate (from a respected institution, might I add) and deserves to be addressed as such. Just because you don't agree with her point of view doesn't mean she shouldn't be addressed as Doctor.

Since you're a fan of condescending nicknames, I'm sure you don't mind us shortening your name to Ka-ka. I just wanted to point out that it is not necessary or practical for a writer to address every aspect of a topic. The Dr. is focusing on, and giving support to happily single people - a topic rarely written about. The topics of of selfishness and being afraid of intimacy have been extensively written about.

Well, Lexy boy, I'm dissapointed, you could have done better with the nickname you know. But well, nevermind. As I mentioned above, funny, but supremely pointless.

The reason why I am even adressing your thoughts scribbled in here, is because, I am quite dazed of witnessing all you low-brains who keep ramblng with the same bla-blahs about how great a deal it is to write about Singles and their lives, and that presumably makes all you swell up thinking, wow, their comes our saviour, (or something like that), and just can't seem to get around the fact that how many of you refuse to get real, and always like to be petted by someone who seems to know better.

But, whatever the case, Miss bella's reasons are noble, but her words might have an incorrect effect on some soul, and this is the ONLY reason I commented here. None else. A way of some of Miss Bella's articles becoming excessively 'political speechy' is something that creates a fair deal of negetive circulation, and doubtful speculation towards her 'drive'. Thats what I mentioned in my coment directly notified to her.

And I wish I could understand how its not necessary or practical for a writer to address every aspect of a topic. Really? What could be more necessary then? Especially when that same aticle can create miscommunication for someone, who might regret ever reading your article later in life. Whose responsibilty is it then may you enlighten Lexy Boy?

But I do agree to your last sentence with certainty.
The responsibility of not letting miscommunication happen with people looking for emotional support or
affirmation on this blog, which may not be what they require, but believe so, is none but the writer's sadly.
And for that, every aspect must written exhaustedly. I wonder where you learnt to think.

Anyways, Thanks.
Oh, and if possible, I would be glad to know where I possibly gave a nickname to anyone. :)

Well, Lexy boy, I'm dissapointed, you could have done better with the nickname you know. But well, nevermind. As I mentioned above, funny, but supremely pointless.

The reason why I am even adressing your thoughts scribbled in here, is because, I am quite dazed of witnessing all you low-brains who keep ramblng with the same bla-blahs about how great a deal it is to write about Singles and their lives, and that presumably makes all you swell up thinking, wow, their comes our saviour, (or something like that), and just can't seem to get around the fact that how many of you refuse to get real, and always like to be petted by someone who seems to know better.

But, whatever the case, Miss bella's reasons are noble, but her words might have an incorrect effect on some soul, and this is the ONLY reason I commented here. None else. A way of some of Miss Bella's articles becoming excessively 'political speechy' is something that creates a fair deal of negetive circulation, and doubtful speculation towards her 'drive'. Thats what I mentioned in my coment directly notified to her.

And I wish I could understand how its not necessary or practical for a writer to address every aspect of a topic. Really? What could be more necessary then? Especially when that same aticle can create miscommunication for someone, who might regret ever reading your article later in life. Whose responsibilty is it then may you enlighten Lexy Boy?

But I do agree to your last sentence with certainty.Except that how do term what you people do not selfishness. Everything becomes selfish from a materialistic individualistic poit of view, so quit upon using that word.

The responsibility of not letting miscommunication happen with people looking for emotional support or affirmation on this blog, which may not be what they require, but believe so, is none but the writer's sadly. And for that, every aspect must written exhaustedly. I wonder where you learnt to think.

Anyways, Thanks.
Oh, and if possible, I would be glad to know where I possibly gave a nickname to anyone. :)

"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live" - Oscar Wilde

Akash, you need to read this quote a few times. Dr. DePaulo is not asking (or forcing) people to be single. She is merely showing the world that people CAN be happy single and living single is perfectly ok. Why is this stirring such emotion for you? Perhaps you need to reflect on why people who choose to remain single (and happy) bothers you so much.

Also, Dr. DePaulo worked hard to earn her doctorate (from a respected institution, might I add) and deserves to be addressed as such. Just because you don't agree with her point of view doesn't mean she shouldn't be addressed as Doctor.

I feel I am getting the point you are trying to make after reading more posts, but once you started calling people "dumb" for presenting an argument against aspects of your posts, you lost my respect. Though I do at least in part agree with (what I believe is) the point you are trying to make about people living authentic lives based on their own intuition & reflections, full of numerous experiences, and not limiting themselves by seeing the world as a collection of dichotomies.

There is a way to discuss opposing views without resorting to completely dismissing others' opinions or assuming they cannot read properly because your point is not coming across clearly. Your point is valid, but so are others' -- and a mature individual will, when someone indicates they cannot understand your meaning, attempt to rephrase in a way to share your point of view. No need to get derogatory.

I feel I am getting the point you are trying to make after reading more posts, but once you started calling people "dumb" for presenting an argument against aspects of your posts, you lost my respect. Though I do at least in part agree with (what I believe is) the point you are trying to make about people living authentic lives based on their own intuition & reflections, full of numerous experiences, and not limiting themselves by seeing the world as a collection of dichotomies.

There is a way to discuss opposing views without resorting to completely dismissing others' opinions or assuming they cannot read properly because your point is not coming across clearly. Your point is valid, but so are others' -- and a mature individual will, when someone indicates they cannot understand your meaning, attempt to rephrase in a way to share your point of view. No need to get derogatory.

Because they can lead you astray, wasting your time, money, and attention on things that are not really vital to your being.

It's the reason I'm presently single. It's also the reason I don't yet own property, have an iPhone, go on long vacations, or play video games. None of these things are really that important to me.

My driving goal in life it to whittle it down to the things that are most important, and not worry about the rest. Because I believe that in the end, those few important things will matter most of all.

just because someone doesn't care to own an iPhone doesn't mean they think less of others for doing so, nor that they must value something as "superficial as" it.

Jeez, people just want to focus on what matters to them, and for some of us, those aren't the same things that others value. Actually, I imagine everyone differs in what matters to them (considering the extent of existence and the variety of matters to care about). Why get so snippy about it? (And putting a happy face after it doesn't make it less snippy...)

and I'm circling back to the original tack; I've posted before that while I support gay equality in every aspect, I don't necessarily want to assimilate. I don't know that gay marriage is the answer; I would like to see gay culture contribute some alternatives available to everyone. I, too, love gay culture. I'm first Single at Heart, second a lesbian, but I continue to identify as lesbian because the gay culture is mine to claim. The culture is going away, though, and I find the lesbian community to be more partner-maniacal than the straight community. It's like they're afraid of losing their gay cred if they're not "practicing." Gay culture in the past was very inclusive. As the gay marriage movement gathers steam, there's a push to prove we're fully assimilated. I don't want to be fully assimilated! I feel like Single at Heart is a bigger freak flag to fly these days than the rainbow flag! And I admit that I have a need to fly a freak flag. Having been rejected by my own community in my youth, I find I still need separateness as part of my identity. I bet a lot of gay people feel that way.
Anyway, that's just my two cents' worth; I'm with Rachel.

What is the gay culture Rachel speaks of and the one that you, Psyngle, love and think is going away? The gay people that I know are partner-maniacal just like the straight people I know. The media portray gay culture as fighting for gay rights and assimilation, not preservation. Alternative ways of recognizing relationships, is this what defines gay culture?

In an attempt to put in perspective or in context, I compare/contrast it to black culture. If you take out fighting for equality and civil rights, there is a separate and distinct black culture (language, traditions, cuisines, fashion, music, etc.); the Civil Rights movement is a part of the black culture not the very definition of it. According to the media, gay culture is all about assimilation. For example, is the L-word an accurate portrayal of lesbian culture? Using Bella’s title, What Lesbians Miss by Doing What Everyone Else Does (i.e. get married, intensive coupling)?

I think Bella (and others) is trying to establish (and make known to the world at large) a distinct single culture. The current so-called single culture, if you will, is singles doing everything to become unsingle. It’s supposedly the basis of everything we do in life. “I volunteer not because I believe in a cause but because I might meet The One.”

“I volunteer not because I believe in a cause but because I might meet The One.”

The first thing people say to me (whether single or coupled) after I tell them I'm looking for a volunteer position is: "That's great! You might meet a guy!" Ummmmm...actually, the reason I'm volunteering is because I want to contribute to my community, NOT because I want to become unsingle. It seems like single women can't do anything anymore without others perceiving it as an attempt to become unsingle.

Oh, and there's no such thing as The One. I've never believed in that nonsensical logic, which is probably why I'm happier than most of my coupled friends.

In response to Bella's point about "the road less travelled" - my life changed hugely for the better when I started walking it (around age 18), but I also became less socially acceptable. My work, studies, romance choices (and unchoices!) are not particularly conventional. But really, I think it's insecurity that has people criticising any other person's path - even if they think they are criticising it out of compassion - because if indeed someone is making mistakes, I think life helps them recognise it eventually. There's a penny worth from London :) Happy evening all!

All I can say is that being single has allowed me a lot of time to develop and know exactly what I want in life and secondly, the energy and ability to easily make those choices without having to work around a husband and kids. I actually believe that singleness and married life are both choices. My preference is to be in a long term committed healthy relationship. I choose to be single unless someone shows up who can partner with me in life. I've determined, whether single or partnered in some way, that I'm going to live a wonderful and fulfilling life.

@Akash I just wanted to state the obvious and say what a vile, miserable human being you seem to be with your nasty, long winded, condescending, pseudo-intellectual rants. I hope you are able to heal from whatever emotional pain you are in that has caused you to be so nasty and bitter. And I hope you have the presence of mind to not conduct yourself like this in public.

Aww.. Peudo Intellectual? Nasty? Bitter? Maybe if you would read it nice enough, without your ego stepping in, you would have realized, I only want to help the people by making them think before following in whatever that seems appropriate 'cause that becomes some new POP Culture.

Seriously, What is it that makes you so defensive in the first place?
That I am writing long, for peopke like you who cant settle without proper details, or that, what I say touches some strangenerve you got somewhere.

Contrary to your wishes, or hypothesis, and sadly so, that makes you think I have some emotional pain, I am currently not commited, that is technically single, but dating. I advise, only because I see many friends of mine who go through simillar situations, hinking a certain situation is right for them, and then it turns out a disaester.

I have no real requirement sticking up egomaniacs like you.
Thank you.

Well I can definitely relate. I'm a new single & if I were still in a relationship I wouldn't be where I was today. Doing well in school (without the male distraction), have a nice job & a nice place to stay (which he would not want to live). It's good to be single. Maybe when I'm established I will focus on meeting a mate.

Gay Culture has already gone away. I'm just waxing nostalgic for something that used to be, and I've dropped out of the lesbian "scene" in my own home town because it seems to be all about finding a date and assimilating any more. For an example of the old gay culture, I once attended Thanksgiving dinner at a gay man's apartment and the place was draped in burgundy velvet, and the dinner was catered by drag queens. Now THAT was fun!
I was married once and find my life has many more possibilities than it did when I was married. When I moved to the town I live in now, it was my decision and no one else's. When I chose to stop looking for a job and go into business for myself, I was not accountable to a partner whether I failed or succeeded. My former husband talked me out of many dreams because they involved sacrifices he was not willing to make. Well, now it's my risk to take or not and I've found I'm pretty good at choosing my ventures.
I find it interesting that the same political segment that is advocating family values is advocating the corporatization of the world and shoving small family-based business out of the arena. People mostly work for big corporations these days and people in middle-management positions that could be done by anyone with similar training are tapped to move to another city on a moment's notice, with no thought to regional cultural implications or anything else. Their spouses are expected to just pack up and follow. This means while both "spice" work, only one gets to have a meaningful career with any continuity, while the other spouse with greater potential to get involved in the community doesn't do so because she (almost always she!) could get yanked away at any moment so there's no point. Corporatization means the breakdown of our families and communities, and all the megachurch preachers in the world sputtering about family values can't change that.
So, what I miss by not being married is the dread from day to day that we might be picking up and moving again and I might be looking in a strange city for underemployment (because no one would hire anyone as unstable as I was, location-wise, for a wage appropriate to my training).

WoW! It was not easy to read through all these comments, for obvious reasons, and, in fact, I did start skimming some the longer rants. Sometimes it is difficult to not feed the troll, but when it becomes obvious that every reply is just more fodder for the next rant, then not replying at all makes sense.

I actually did have to go back to the article to see what the topic was. "What would I miss if I weren't single?" I have spent most of my life married or in a relationship, but have discovered in the last few years that I prefer being single. I was widowed 8 years ago and have been in two relationships since then, both of which I ended to be single again, the last one 6 months ago. Hopefully I have finally learned my lesson. The support of like-minded people helps fend off the subtle but strong couple mania that surrounds me. Thanks Bella. Your writing, and the comments here also, have helped me to see, and feel, more clearly what I was dimly becoming aware of myself the last few years. It's OK to be single...what a concept!

What I would miss if I were still in the relationship, besides what Bella mentions in the article, is freedom to travel. I would not be about to leave the Pacific Northwest to spend the winter in southern states, visiting family and friends, and to be in Florida all winter for what will probably be my last visit with my 97 year old mother. Responsibilities of the relationship would have limited my freedom to travel and my ex-partner is held down by work and a child at home. Last spring, when I was contemplating ending the relationship, which was actually quite happy in many ways, the words that kept echoing in my mind were "freedom" and "autonomy".

Part of my work for a professional services firm involves dealing with entrepreneurs and entrepreneurship on the whole, and I can't help but notice that of the people I'e encountered who start businesses from scratch - and make a success of them - a higher than average (or so it seems to me) proportion are single. The thing that comes through time and time again is the passion that all have for their "baby" (i.e. business), and the fact that they willingly work 16 hour days for years on end with little or no financial rewards just to make things happen. Now, you might ask are they single because they're focused on their business or are they focused on their business because they're single? I'm not sure of that, but I do think that if these people were trapped by the more mundane aspects of coupledom they wouldn't have the time, energy or creativity necessary to create successful businesses.

There we go. I can't actually define the feeling of warmth and fuzzyness in my heart to know human beings finally realize their inner power.

Oh, and so great is this power!!

A power that advises and motivates them to, ascertainly and affirmatively, that somehow its so much simillar to growing a real baby & a 'business' baby, that in much respects the latter is better. Well, why not. The 'business' baby does not cry and fret, and certainly the real one doesnt load up your bank account.

Sure, thats one helluva reason to be motivated to work 16hours a day, isnt it?

No.. ?!

Well then, its kinda rather sympathy-arising to see people like you, who are riding upon such illusions, that if I hadnt ACTUALLY seen you guys, would have though it fictionated.

Anyways, in a world where people and environment goes trough so much issues, a fresh viewpoint on business and it being a certain and great alternative to family life, is a gut-busting one.

Anyways, don't fool yourself thinking you know anything about creativity, and try not using that word when it comes to creating businesses. I'm a successful one (with heaps of grees, or whatever color in the account, and there is no pleasure in it. They are the mundane illusionatory things that makes many such human areas of motivated drive and passionate overhaul, seem like something to give energy for, but it soon breaks down.

Well, nontheless, it was highly humorous to have someone (or many I bet) like you SingleSusie, who has gone through a radical fixation of your ideas of how a busiess can be even compared to a baby. You are funny, that's all I can say.

Best of luck for your babies, may all of you be great moms, and dnt think of commenting harshly back, wait for a couple of years, and come back here with all you 16 hour workaholics after you get burnout.

Look how everyone is so riled up due to Akash having a different view...he or she definitely somewhat illustrates the story..not thinking like everyone else. In any case, how is choosing to stay single a new or novel thing? If anything, it is becoming a trend among people and will likely end up as popular as marriage was in the past. Single is the new married. So how silly is it to imply that one is somehow unique or special for choosing to stay single? Funny how I don't know anyone who looks down on others who choose to stay single, but I do know plenty who choose to look down on others who choose to marry. It's just a reversal in what's popular, like how christianity once was the popular (shiny new socially acceptable-keep up with the trends or get out)thing, and now atheism reigns in it's place, but these atheists still deem themselves as "different" even though atheism is mainstream now.