Rules for all my Caucasians who might find themselves at a Black cookout.

1. You gotta bring something. One time, I went to a co-worker named Tom’s barbecue and brought a pasta salad. He looked at me like I had shit in the middle of his living room. At a black cookout (yes, if there’s more than seven black people there, the name automatically changes from “barbecue” to a “cookout”), only the meat and the grill is supplied by the host. Everything else is brought by attendees—and no, this is not “potluck.” Black people don’t do potlucks. Potluck dinners are for Caucasian bible-study meetings where one can bring store-bought dishes. Here, you either show up with a homemade dish, or they’re gonna look at you funny. And please don’t try no new sh#t like potato salad with raisins or vegetarian shish kabobs. If you can’t cook, or you don’t have all the required black seasonings, just bring some cups and napkins. Or LOTS of aluminum foil. I don’t know what the hell black people do with all the aluminum foil at cookouts, but they ALWAYS need more. I have long suspected that black cookouts were ploys by hosts to get free aluminum foil. In any case, you are expected to bring something. 2. It’s a cookOUT. Black people’s cookouts are outside. At the previously mentioned Tom’s barbecue, everyone mingled in his living room. I was nervous as f@ck, because for the first hour, all I could think was, “These motherf@ckers are about to have an intervention on me.” You don’t go into the house unless you have to pee, which means there a few things you should bring: 1. A chair. 2. Bug spray. 3. Another chair (because someone is going to sit in your first chair when you go pee).

__________________The welfare of the people in particular has always been the alibi of tyrants, and it provides the further advantage of giving the servants of tyranny a good conscience.
-Albert Camus

7. Park down the street. Trust me, you don’t want to have to wait for someone to move their car so you can get out. Especially after your b@tch a$$ let James and em run a Boston on you. (See? I bet that offended you, and you probably don’t know what it means. That’s why you shouldn’t play spades.) 8. Don’t worry about the drunk uncle. You know how at white people’s Thanksgiving, there’s always that ONE drunk uncle? (Yes, there is a White Thanksgiving and a Black Thanksgiving. White people’s Thanksgiving has pumpkin pie and wine. Black Thanksgiving has pound cake and Crown Royal.) Anyway, at black cookouts, ALL our uncles are the drunk uncle. Except Uncle Jerome, who is saved, sanctified, and filled with the Holy Ghost. In fact, Uncle Jerome is starting a new ministry that confronts the evil of drugs and alcohol. But if you take him to your trunk, he’ll have a nip.

__________________The welfare of the people in particular has always been the alibi of tyrants, and it provides the further advantage of giving the servants of tyranny a good conscience.
-Albert Camus

5. Make friends. Here is a FOOLPROOF method to making a new black friend at the cookout: 1. Bring a bottle of dark liquor. 2. Keep it in the trunk of your car. 3. SOMEONE (usually Tasha’s new boyfriend) is gonna ask, “Way da liquor at.” 4. Wait. (I know you’ll want to rush up to him or say something, but ignore your white-people-timing instincts just this one time, and give it a few minutes.) 5. When he changes the subject, walk over to him and say, “Walk to my car with me.” He’ll know what you mean. 6. When you pop that trunk, you’ll have a friend for life. 6. DO NOT PLAY SPADES. Even if your black friend tries to teach you how to play. They’re gonna get you F@CKED UP. No matter what you do, don’t get on the spades table talking ’bout you “learned” how to play. You do not learn how to play spades. Black people just know. Like we just know how to do the Electric Slide or get diabetes. AND, if you mess around and renege, your partner is gonna give you the side-eye all night when they take those three books. AND, you might get in your feelings over the shit-talking, because James is going to call you a b@tch. He always does that. AND, if your spades game is weak, no one is gonna want to be your friend. Not even Tasha’s boyfriend.

__________________The welfare of the people in particular has always been the alibi of tyrants, and it provides the further advantage of giving the servants of tyranny a good conscience.
-Albert Camus

3. Don’t arrive on time. If they say they’re going to start around 3 p.m., that means you can arrive around 4:47. CP time is a very complicated algorithm to figure out, but the published start time at a black BBQ is the time when they start thinking about preparing to get ready to almost light the grill. 4. Learn how to do the “Wobble.” Then consult a local ballerina/choreographer to add your own variation to one of the moves. I don’t do line dances, but I’ve noticed that white people feel SO included if they know how to do them. I believe line dances should be used by the United Nations to prevent war. You can’t be THAT mad when you’re adding your spin shimmy kick to the Cupid Shuffle.

__________________The welfare of the people in particular has always been the alibi of tyrants, and it provides the further advantage of giving the servants of tyranny a good conscience.
-Albert Camus

Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Savage American English

Quote:

Originally Posted by Majiffy

Okay that makes sense I couldn't imagine Jerome typing that much in one go

there is also no way that jerome is black

__________________Safety. Obscurity. Just another freak, in the freak kingdom...
“The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.”