(Closed) Found out DH smokes weed not sure how to feel

The other day I found out that my husband has been smoking pot recreationally for the past two months. He was never a regular smoker but throughout our relationship both of us have done it a handful of times in the past. However he always seemed interested in the benefits of marijuana, pro legalization, etc but nothing crazy he would just talk about how he knows people who have benefit from smoking. As a short background we are both in our mid 20’s and he is in physician assistant school and also works nearly full time hours and we don’t have children. I guess lately i’ve been suspicious because he started to always wash his sweatshirts/jackets and he never used to he would wear them multiple times. Then a week ago we were with friends and one friend had a “vaporizer” of weed and he didn’t hesitate to do it, so I thought hmmm. So a few days back I saw his phone go off with a text so I looked at it (I snooped I know) Apparently he had written something along the lines that he had a relaxing smoking session after class and his friend replied “nice man glad it’s working out for you” which is what I saw so of course I confront him.

He admits that he has been smoking occasionally because it helps him relax after the stress of school and work and he does it once a week or so because he’s normally too busy. He also said that he was curious to see how it felt to do by himself and relax instead of in a setting with me and other people which is how he’s always done it before. He told me he was afraid to tell me because he didn’t know how I’d react and didn’t want to upset me so that’s why he kept it a secret. I just felt very hurt because I don’t hide anything from him, I am an open book but he has a VERY hard time opening up and bottles up his feelings and his stress. We both are anxious people, I actually have an anxiety disorder that I take medication for and I know that he has an anxious personality but he doesn’t show it. He claims that smokinghas helped him de-stress and relax but he will stop if it makes me unhappy.

I feel guilty telling him he can’t do it because I am honestly not against smoking itself, although sometimes it makes me nervous because I worry about him getting caught with it and jeopardizing his career. But it really bothered me that his friends and our mutual friends knew this about him and I didn’t. I don’t want him to feel like he can’t tell me these things. He was very visibly upset after admitting it and seeing how upset I got over the fact that he withheld this from me.

I just needed to get this off my chest because there’s not many people in my life I feel comfortable telling this to because I know they will judge him/us. Any bees in a situation like this or know someone who is? Am I just making a big deal out of nothing? This whole thing has got me very anxious and I’m having a hard time letting go of the fact that he hid this from me.

if hes using pot as an adult uses wine/booze reasonably, I’m of the meh what’s the big deal camp. It’s pretty harmless. He should do it at home though, to be more careful to not get caught by the law. It should be legal, it’s nothing short of a corporate/gover ment conspiracy that it’s not. Alcohol is far more dangerous.

I have cronic stomach issues and nothing I have found provides any sort of relief. MY fiance tired of seeing me in pain suggested smoking weed. I was very resistant to it as I am not the drugs type at all. You know what it works extremely well.I only do it occasionally and only enough to feel relief. Doing it myself has changed my prospective on people who smoke weed.

Seems like yout husband doesn’t have an issue more so your worried that you two will be judged?

privatebee1234: While I don’t necessarily think smoking pot is a big deal (and it sounds like you don’t either) it’d make me uneasy to find out that my Fiance was keeping this from me. And I can totally understand your concerns regarding this jeopardizing his career.

However, I’d try to open up a dialogue about this and express your concerns without coming off like you’re judging him. Make it less about the actual pot smoking and more about the fact that he hid this from you.

Personally, I don’t think occassional, responsible pot smoking is a big deal. But plenty of people disagree about that. All that really matters is that you and your husband are on the same page about it. I understand being upset that he hid it from you, but I also understand him being uncomfortable about it. You guys need to discuss it further and decide what you’re both comfortable with.

I’m going to be the devil’s adovcate here. I grew up with a father that smoked it, first at slow then it became his obsession. It RULED his life, he missed birthdays, holidays, he would actually call me high too. Can you imagine how that makes a person feel? 28 years later and he still does it. You can only imagine where our relationship stands.

I say if you seem to feel that this is okay, sure. But what will you do if those 1-2 days turns into, every day, twice a day. What if he starts more heavily and doesn’t tell you? What if you go to a family shindig and he smells of pot? There are deeper questions you should be asking yourself and speaking to him about.

If it’s not affecting his school or job, I see no harm. Yes, maybe he should have told you, but he was afraid of how you’d react. Cut him some slack, if that’s all he’s doing, let him smoke. As long as he is careful with who/what/when/where he’s doing it, he’ll be fine.

It really does help with stress, migraines, nausea, etc…I’d much rather be married to a smoker than a drunk.

That said, you are ALLOWED to feel however you feel. It’s not about how you “should” feel. How *do* you feel? Are you worried he will start to smoke more and more? Do you think it’s been affecting his ability to be productive and live his life? Are you more concerned about the fact that he didn’t tell you first than you are about the smoking? It sounds, to me, like you need to sit down and figure out what your thoughts and feelings are on the matter, and then discuss it with him.

privatebee1234: If we lived in a state where it was legal, and he used it in moderation, I wouldn’t care. I don’t like it myself, but I consider it along the same lines as alcohol — pretty harmless when not used heavily.

If I lived in a state where weed was illegal, no, I would not be cool with him using it because that would mean risking jail time and a criminal record. That can screw up your life in multiple ways, and have far-reaching and long-lasting repercussions.

I’d have a bigger issue with the hiding thing than the actual using part. But that’s easily fixable.

For me I’d want to sit down, talk about boundaries and get it all out in the open. I’d want him to be able to talk to me about it and know when he’s using- and not have it be a big deal between us. But, in order to get that openness I think you really have to not care and not judge when he does it or talks to you about it. And both of you should be on the same page about the where it’s okay to use (location wise) and how often you both feel comfortable with and also where he’s getting it from and how much he’s spending on it. Treat it like reasonable adults would and I don’t see why it should ever be an issue.