Fords have vowed to fight the defrocking "tooth and nail," which just happens to be the same way they attack and devour a gigantic sandwich:

(Fords used taxpayer funds to employ a hundred-person sandwich-making staff.)

In any case, the Fords first came to my attention when they said some incredibly dumb shit about cyclists, and since then I've taken perverse delight in watching their buffoonish reign of terror. Therefore, while I am of course pleased on behalf of my overly polite neighbors to the north, I must confess I'll also be kind of sad to see them go:

As for what the Fords should do next, I'd suggest that they make a bid for the US presidency. Sure, technically you're supposed to be born here, but nobody really goes by that, since everybody knows our current president was born in a terrorist training compound in a remote part of Pakistan. (I saw all about it on the Fox news.) Also, the United States prides itself on being the land of the free and the home of the obese, and once you hit 300lbs you're automatically granted citizenship.

"I was cycling down a bicycle path near the street when I saw the car coming toward me," she told the local norren.se news website.At first Nordqvist thought the car would turn to avoid hitting her, but the next thing she knew, the passenger's protruding posterior sent her hurdling to the ground.
Ass-themed alliteration aside, the police are baffled:

"I'm not sure how I should put this since I've never seen anything like it," Joakim Oja of the Skellefteå police told the paper.

But that's only because they live in civilized society, whereas here in Canada's menstrual cup even the "greenest" police officer would immediately recognize this as a typical drive-by mooning gone awry. Anyway, it's a good thing she was wearing a helment:

Yes, nothing says lovin' like some fresh-baked smugness from the oven:

I am a bread baker with a utopian agenda. To most, the end product of a freshly baked loaf is most tangible and delicious, but more important to me is getting people excited about the act of baking one's own daily bread, and the challenge that presents to the ready made culture that is our "stuffed and starved" American lifestyle. Baking bread is a skill that has been lost in the prepackaged, preserved food environment where we are stuck in the cycle of market-based mass food consumption. Lisaruth's Lovin' from the Oven bread making demos help connect people to a primordial skill that I believe to be the gateway to other means of self-empowerment and the participation in creating one's own reality. One gains ownership over one's food sources, and the possibility for human connection arises. One slows down.

I'm not so sure I'd call buying a pre-baked loaf of bread an act of gross consumerism, though I do have respect for Lisaruth, for I too bake my own bread. Indeed, when I made my exodus from Brooklyn, the forces of gentrification were bearing down upon us with their Best Made axes, and I did not have time to let my bread rise. Lo, the result was a brittle and flavorless cracker-like slab I call "matzoh," and if you too would like to partake in it just give generously to my Kickstarter campaign and I'd be happy to teach you how.

Alas, I don't know what I miss more about Brooklyn--the throngs of people clamoring for entry into overpriced dining establishments , or the gigantic curbside containers full of cabbie pee:

Actually, while I'm assuming it's cabbie pee, I guess it could also have been left there by someone who was waiting on one of those 12-hour gas lines right after the hurricane. Either way, it's only a matter of time before Brooklyn "mixologists" start collecting these things and using them to "curate" exotic cocktails:

("Barkeep! Make me a Number One!")

One of these $17 drinks contains locally-produced urine that was sustainably harvested by bicycle. Can you guess which? (Hint: it smells faintly of asparagus.)

“It’s just so self-evident that this is his personal passion,” said Peter Flemming, co-chairman of the Brooklyn Bridge Park Community Council and one of the most outspoken critics of the plan. “The track-cycling community is devout, I’m sure. The snowboard community is devout, too. There’s no sport that doesn’t have its devotees.”Mr. Flemming added, “He’s paying for his building, and then the city gets stuck with it.”

Fr. Flemming might have added golf to that list of sports, but then he'd have to acknowledge how much public space the city already devotes to people hitting balls with sticks and then walking after them.

Then again, I do acknowledge that there are more valuable gifts than velodromes. For example, if I had billions of dollars instead of just the hundreds of millions I currently do and wanted to give the city a bike-themed gift then I'd start a bike share system. Sure, we're supposed to be getting one anyway, but who knows when that will actually happen at this point. Plus, mine would be a lot better, and instead of unsightly docking stations I'd just have indentured Portland framebuilders in cages who would build each customer a bespoke bicycle out of bamboo. Then, when you're done you just dump it in the East River--or maybe feed it to the thousands of wild pandas I will unleash upon the city.

The cabbies should start drinking their own pee like that dude from a couple weeks back. I'm picturing a direct hose thing, like a Camelback. That way they wouldn't have to unzip or anything and could even do it with fares in the back. With a long enough hose they could even offer the passengers a taste.

Hello. I'm gathering together email addresses so that I may send my annual 2014 New Years greetings to one and all.

Do any of the BSnyc commenteratti frequenting this comments section know the email address of Tyler Hamilton's chimera? I would like to send he/she/it my personal New Years greeting. Thank you in advance for your assistance in this matter.

Love this quote from the article about Rechnitz: "Mr. Heitmann said, “He’s one of the most frugal people I know.” The founder of Cadence Cycling, a shop in TriBeCa where a new bike could cost more than $20,000 (it is now defunct)..."

...speaking of "...doom...", (& check out the stones new single 'doom & gloom'...sounds fucking great), i predict a depressed robbs ford will sink into a seething mass of wretched self dispair, in which he'll assuage his feeble mind & already bloated carcass with mass quantities of alcohol & greasy 'comfort food', only coming to a stop when the scales hit 380 kilos ( that's about 840 lbs of american fat )...

...he'll be towed about the city in a purpose built steel wagon by a few of his leftover faithful supporters until told by the rcmp that the city council requests he not attend meetings from the visitors gallery in city hall 'cuz of his shouted comments...

Trust me that helmet sucks. A lass I ride with has one. I fractured my damn ulna from smacking it everytime I was on her wheel.Yo Wildcat It's time for a new book. I am out of reading material and need something to help me doze off. I have a good name for the 3rd edition in your trilogy.....

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Anthropology rants NEVER go out of style. Besides, according to this calendar that I just dusted off, it's 2007, so going by your strange rules I still have a year of ranting to go until I'm supposed to stop and embrace the next big thing in rants.

Idiots. You can't even spell arse correctly. An 'ass' is a donkey. The metaphor fails. An asshole would be where a ass builds its nest and lays its eggs. But an arsehole is a pooie, yuck place where some boys play hide the sausage. Worst of all, imagine being battered with an ass sticking out of a car. Wreck your single speed or what?

As for the fat cunt, while he's down, stick the boot in. Fat people are really funny when they run, fall over and express pain.

The Hippie bread cretin will make a killing because urbanites are really stupid. The meaning of their life is to spend money in ways that are more stupid than their friends consumption. That's why A-merica is broker than Europe.

I would say you need one of those little "We Are Checking to See If You Are a Robot So Punch in This Sequence of Random Characters" filters but half of the commenters on this site would not be able to pass that.

Speaking of a new book, I've been thinking for a while that it would be good if The Bike Snob of New York City TM were to write a travel book similar in vein to Bill Bryson's books, but with more bike stuff.

I wonder how one would go about kick starting the raising of funds for a creative global journey (artyfuckface safari) such as this?

Maybe I should just buy one of the books that have already been written.

i'm sorry, but what the f$#! does that mean? by baking something the possibility for human connection arises?

where do people learn to talk like this? are they teaching this crap in public schools in portland? is learning to talk like this the way you justify the fact that you've developed a really, really stupid business plan?

additionally, whey the hell would i want a possibility for human connection? have you SEEN PEOPLE? they are apes with pants. i want to get the hell away from them. and to do that i would think that knowing how to bake bread might actually be important. to have the "possibility of human connection" wouldn't it make much more sense to go to a Lob damned bakery? f'ing twits.

sorry, wow! what happened? where am i? really lost it there for a second. i'm back now i think.

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Latest Columnsi want to get the hell away from them. and to do that i would think that knowing how to bake bread might actually be important.

Anthropology rants NEVER go out of style. Besides, according to this calendar that I just dusted off, it's 2007, so going by your strange rules I still have a year of ranting to go until I'm supposed to stop and embrace the next big thing in rants.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!