Title: Live Free or TwihardAuthor:poor_choicesFandom: Supernatural RPSPairing: Jared Padalecki/Jensen AcklesRating: PG-13Warnings: Crack, fake anon memes, painfully awesome Edward Cullen RP usernames, Twilight, meta, general mockery of fandom, poor_choices, mentions of fake suicide, inconsistent tone, general stupidity. On the bright side, no Chad Michael Murray, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, or Jonas Brothers.Word Count: 6000 words.Summary: Jensen is Romeo, Jared is Juliet, Team Edward are the Montagues, Team Jacob are the Capulets, and Aldis Hodge sincerely hopes he is not Mercutio, because he does not want to get shanked.Disclaimer: There are so many things in here that are just blatantly false.

For Jensen Ackles, the best day of every year was the day when he finally got to go back to college.

It wasn't that college was all that great; sure, he liked it, had good classes, a few friends, interesting professors, but none of those were what he loved. No, what he loved was the fact that his parents couldn't monitor his internet usage.

Some kids, he understood, worried that their parents would discover they watched porn. Jensen's parents were disappointed if he didn't. Site mistress and master of edwardsminions.com, his mother and father were intensely dedicated Twilight fans who considered him a failure if he didn't read and review at least five erotic Edward/Bella fanfics a day, and flame at least ten Jacob/Bella.

It was, to say the least, frightening.

Jensen didn't hate Twilight, if for no other reason than he would be disowned, and sometimes he could relate to Edward. As vain as it was of him to say it, people were sometimes intimidated by how good-looking he was; he knew this because they told him. And he was pretty pasty and standoffish.

But Bella? Jensen wasn't interested in Bella. In fact, Jensen was pretty sure he wasn't interested in girls at all.

And that was another thing his family could never accept.

"Slash," his father had said once, with the kind of coiled rage that meant he might snap and lash out at any second, "is a blight upon the fandom, Jensen. A blight upon all fandoms. What happened to a good, strong, male friendship? These slash fans, they see a healthy, platonic relationship, and they think it must be sullied by lust."

"Um," Jensen had said, "Dad, I said I was going to a movie with Danneel and Chris."

"I know what you said!" his dad had roared. "Have you seen the Sherlock Holmes fandom, Jensen? Have you?"

Jensen had not, and his father knew it. His father painstakingly checked the browser histories of everyone in the family, and if they tried to erase them, there was hell to pay. Jensen had carefully never set foot near the Sherlock Holmes fandom, much as he wished to.

His father had continued without waiting for a reply. "It is full of nothing but slash! It's like there wasn't even a woman in that movie! No, I will not allow it. Go see Avatar instead."

Jensen had never even tried to explain that he himself was interested in men. His parents were not the best at grasping subtle differences like internet versus reality.

He'd never had a boyfriend either, but it was really no wonder. Jensen was bad enough at befriending people in the real world, let alone getting them into romantic relationships. He'd nearly gotten entangled in a few online relationships--mostly lesbians crushing on his female sockpuppets, Jensen never admits to being a guy on the internet--but he'd dodged those as well.

But this year was his senior year.

This year, everything was going to change.

*

"How are the crazies?" Aldis asked, sticking his head in Jensen's door. Aldis played a lot of World of Warcraft and also had trouble interacting with people; it was the basis of his and Jensen's friendship.

"Do you mean my family or the fandom?" Jensen asked, without turning around. He'd finally finished the epic Jacob/Bella AU based on Pride and Prejudice that his mother was making him flame. It hadn't actually been that bad and after he left a horrifically scathing review, he grabbed one of his sockpuppets his parents didn't know about and got into a fight with himself about how wrong he was. "Either way, fuck my life."

Aldis leaned over his shoulder. "Man, did you just call yourself a cunt waffle?"

"Yeah," said Jensen, sighing. "But I totally deserved it."

Aldis shook his head. "So no change?"

Jensen laughed mirthlessly. "Maybe once the last movie comes out?" he said, without much hope. "But I think as long as the Team Jacob HQ team is around, they won't leave. Just out spite."

Team Jacob HQ was his parents' bitterest rival. There were regular and horrific flame wars between the two, and all three of Jensen's little sister's flounces from the internet had been directly related to the abuse from the other team. The whole thing was so ridiculous it had its own fucking Fandom Wank tag.

"It's sad, but you'd be way more balanced if your parents had gone through a painful divorce or some shit."

"I'm not sure that's true," said Jensen. He shuddered. "Did I tell you they're doing a Twilight-themed vow renewal?"

"Dude, fake sick."

"To get out of that? I'll actually be sick." He groaned. "So how was your summer?"

"Pretty awesome, actually. I got into LJ RP? Which, dude, I know you don't care? But you are a guy in that and you're a chick magnet. You should join our game, the Twilight cast just lost their Edward."

Jensen wrinkled his nose. "I get enough Twilight on my own time."

"Whatever, you could write Edward with your hands tied behind your back. You smash your head on the keyboard and it'd come out all sparkly and sexually frustrated."

Jensen had to admit that was probably true. He sighed. "So, what's the link?"

*

Aldis's game was some sort of ridiculous panfandom steampunk crossover where people got kidnapped from their own universe by zeppelins and dropped into the seedy underbelly of AU London. Their Bella was in a relationship with some guy from one of the Final Fantasies, which Jensen approved of, and he e-mailed them both to assure them that drama was all well and good, but he didn't want to break them up or anything. Apparently the last Edward barely played and then left in a huff when Bella found herself developing feelings for someone else. Jensen vaguely recalled the incident from the anon meme.

He really hoped the old Edward hadn't been someone in his family.

*

Jensen worked one night a week in the campus writing center, which was a lot less tutoring and a lot more reading and/or dicking around on the internet. Tonight he was checking out Cassandra Clare's newest book--his mom loved it and kept e-mailing to ask if he'd read it yet--and idly working on his Edward app when he heard a guy say, "Did you know she plagiarized Harry Potter fanfic?"

Jensen looked up, because that was the kind of thing he didn't expect people to bring up, and saw a tall guy with floppy brown hair and a big dimpled smile.

"Uh," said Jensen. Attractive guys didn't just come up to him and ask about Harry Potter fanfic outside of his fantasies. "She actually plagiarized someone else and used it in Harry Potter fanfic. I think."

The guy laughed and sat down across from him. "Yeah, I read about the whole thing online somewhere, and now whenever I see her name that's all I can think about. It can make for some really awkward conversations." The guy flashed him another grin. "So thanks for not doing that."

Jensen chuckled. "That might be the first time someone's told me I made a conversation non-awkward."

"Well, I was the one who brought fanfic plagiarism into it," the guy said magnanimously. "That one's all on me."

Jensen found himself smiling back. "So, do you need help with a paper?" he asked.

"Yeah, kind of," said the guy. "I think it's pretty good--not to be, like, vain or anything, just it's not a bad paper. But the topic was really broad and I don't think I did that well with transitions?" he said, scratching the back of his neck. "It's kind of a big mess of facts. Like, word vomit in paper form."

Jensen wrinkled his nose. "Sounds like a fun time. I'll see what I can do with it." He cleared his throat. "Oh, yeah, I'm Jensen, by the way."

"Jared," said the guy. He flushed a little. "I think it's not that bad, really. But it's my first college paper, it's a little intimidating."

Oh, good, jailbait. Jensen loved his life. "No, it's fine. I'll just read it over and make some comments first, and then we can talk about it. That'll take me about fifteen minutes--you can go wander around if you want."

Jared tapped the book on the table. "Can I give the Harry Potter plagiarist a try?" he asked.

Jensen laughed again. "Sure. Knock yourself out."

*

me: heyare you Jacob?Pavel: Yeah! Oh man, are you our new Edward? I'm pumped! Katie said you sounded awesome.me: Katie?Pavel: lolYeah, sorry! Bella-mun.me: ohum, yeah, I'm the new EdwardI figured I should check inPavel: No, that's great! We're totally excited to have you. We can gang up on Cloud, right? >)me: lolyeah, the enemy of my enemy...Pavel: Exactly! Unholy werewolf/vampire alliance. Just like in Eclipse, but way cooler.me: clearlyso, yeah, anyway, hiI have to get to class but I'm looking forward to playing with youPavel: Me too!

*

Jensen's mom called three days after he got to school.

"Into_the_sun is claiming that Stephanie Meyer sent her the original manuscript for Breaking Dawn, which had Bella choosing Jacob in the end, but her rabid Team Edward editor forced her to change it," she said, without preamble. Jensen couldn't remember the last time anyone in his family started a phone call with "hello."

"Right, the ridiculous part of that story is that the story some crazy Team Jacob woman says Stephanie Meyer sent her an original manuscript that supports her OTP. Not that, you know, Stephanie Meyer is sending--you know what, never mind," said Jensen, sighing. "What do you want me to do about this exactly?"

"You need to infiltrate their ranks and find out what the manuscript looks like! If it even exists."

"If it exists, it's fanfic," Jensen pointed out. "Into_the_sun probably wrote it to mess with you." She was from Team Jacob HQ, Jensen had no doubt she'd do something specifically to piss off his mom. "Mom, I've got classes, I don't know if I have time--"

"Jensen," she said sharply. "No one else in this family has the skill with sock puppets that you do. You cannot honestly tell me you are willing to stand by and watch those horrible Jacob fans cast doubts upon the sanctity of Edward and Bella's love!"

Jensen could honestly tell her that, or he could point out that the whole Team Jacob/Team Edward thing was resolved because Edward and Bella were married and Jacob had the creepy underage half-vampire romance going, but he'd tried that before and been told to shut up and go to his room to think about what he'd said. Which, no matter how hard he thought about it, still sounded sane and rational.

Jensen sighed. "So you want me to make a sock puppet, gain the trust of the Team Jacob people, and then steal their fake-real manuscript to tell you about it?"

"And then maybe get cancer at the end," she said thoughtfully. "I always like a good tragic death."

"Great," said Jensen. "If I can convince the school I have cancer too, maybe they won't care I failed all my classes because I was spending too much time on the internet."

Jensen shook his head. "Man, I couldn't even begin to tell you. Let's see the paper."

*

*

It had been a long time since Jensen had actually had fun on the internet. Everything was all horrible drama and having flamewars with himself and having to read ten billion horrible ooc fics about characters he barely even likes anymore. The RPing is actually really helping--he's remembering the kinds of things he used to actually enjoy in fandom. He's not going nuts or anything--he hasn't told anyone his real name, and Aldis is sworn to secrecy, but he has admitted to being a guy. And his castmates are awesome; Bella and Cloud love playing up Edward's creepy stalker side, and Jacob is seriously great, tons of hilarious ideas and up for anything.

Of course, as with everything about Jensen's internet life, there's a but.

*

Pavel: Check it out! We're famous on the internet.http://i29.tinypic.com/xlf02.pngme: .........wowPavel: We are a sexy time, dude!me: apparentlyPavel: You okay?me: yeah, justyou know all those people who make secrets about how they can't admit to liking stuff because their flists would disown them?Pavek: Yeah...me: my flist is like that with slashand kind of everything about jacobbut I kind of ship it tooPavel: Hey, don't worry! I do too ;) It can be our secret.

*

*

"God, I can't believe we hit the anonmeme," said Jensen, dropping his head to his desk. "At least one of those is my dad."

"Your life is fucked up," said Aldis sagely. "What'd Jared say about it?"

"Why would I tell Jared?" Jensen asked. Yeah, Jared still came once a week to the writing center, and they were Facebook friends now, but he and Jensen didn't chat about his RP shit. Just because Jared knew about Cassandra Clare didn't mean he wanted to hang out with a guy whose online life revolved around fucking Twilight.

"Uh, because he's half the pairing?" said Aldis.

"You mean--Jacob?" Jensen asked, still confused.

"Yeah, his mun's name is Jared. He actually goes here," said Aldis, slanting Jensen a look. "He's a freshman. And he talks about you all the time, and it is killing me to not tell him that you go here too, so you should get on that. I feel like a bad captain."

Jensen often forgot that Aldis and Jacob--Jared?--shared a fandom; Jacob's theoretical primary was Chekov from the Star Trek reboot, and Aldis was Kirk. Aldis had hounded him goodnaturedly for a while about how he was totally stealing Jacob away, and Jensen had felt a kind of warm pride.

"Does he, uh," said Jensen. "Does he know you know me?"

"He knows I got you in the game, and I told him I know you IRL but I didn't tell him you live next door or go to this school."

Jensen tried not to hit his head on something. He'd been kind of crushing on Jacob, because Jacob was hilarious and fun and easy to talk to, but he'd been figuring he was secretly a girl or really old or something. "What's his last name?" asked Jensen.

"Padalecki," said Aldis. "I know you know him cuz you guys are fucking Facebook friends."

"Oh, fuck my life," said Jensen, groaning.

"What, you don't like him?" Jensen managed a half-hearted glare, and Aldis's eyebrows rose. "Oh, you do like him. Oh." Aldis grinned. "Man, you are coming to lunch tomorrow. I am hooking you guys the fuck up."

*

*

"Okay, so," said Jared, sitting down across from Jensen on his usual writing center night with his usual big grin, "the masquerade ball."

Jensen clicked away from fandomsecrets very fast, because even more embarrassing than commenting to agree with an "in love with my RP partner post" was having said RP partner show up and see you, and raised his eyebrows. "We're not even going to pretend to talk about your paper?"

Jared beamed. "Dude, no way! I cannot believe you didn't tell me who you were. Now, in revenge, I am making you plot with me IRL."

"Aldis is a way better friend than you," said Jared. "Anyway, Jacob is totally forgetting a little about the whole," he waved his hand, "getting Bella back part of their relationship, and kind of just likes hanging out with Edward. And I don't know if you've been following him and Winry?"

Jensen blinked. "Uh, yeah, kind of," he admitted. He figured that was better than saying he stalked all of Jared's threads kind of obsessively.

"She's been telling him to go for Edward," said Jared. "I mean, in her Winry way. She wanted to know if she could try to set them up at the ball."

Jensen laughed. "What, because we're in costume, we actually won't recognize each other?"

Jared shrugged. "Jacob's getting curious. He'd be willing to try it."

Jensen shook his head. "Yeah, I can--see Edward being willing to pretend," he admitted.

"Great!" said Jared. He looked away, drumming his fingers on the table. "Hey, you should come over to my room for the party, it'll be more fun if we hang out. My roommate's kind of a dick about the whole RP thing, but he's pretty easy to ignore."

Jensen licked his lips and swallowed. "You could come over to mine. No roommate. Aldis lives next door, but he's not allowed to judge us."

Jared gave him another grin, huge and bright, and Jensen had to look away.

"Awesome!" He flushed. "So I maybe haven't actually finished my paper, and I should do that. I just didn't want you thinking I was ditching you know that I know your secret identity."

Jared saluted as he got up. "And I'll see you Friday for the masquerade ball." He paused. "Or earlier, if you want. You know. I'd love to grab lunch sometime," he added. "I, um, don't have a lot of RL fandom friends."

Jensen wished that words like "RL" and "fandom" were not kind of a turn-on for him.

Right then, his mother popped up in an IM window, and Jensen frowned. And that right there was the downside to fandom. "Yeah," he managed, giving Jared a smile. "I'll call you."

Jared waved, and Jensen tried not to sigh.

*

Edward's: jensen?Jensen??JENSEN!me: sorry, mom, at work, kind of afkEdward's: oh yawellhow r u doing w/ into_the_sun????me: pretty sure it's a total hoax, she's got nothing.Edward's: she must have SOEMTHINGme: she has, like, three excerpts, but says that smeyer would be betrayed if she shared the entire thing with the internetb/c it was shared in confidenceEdward's: that BITCHgo make a cryptic fandom secret about how she stalks taylor lautnerme: k

*

Jensen wanted to make his own fandom secret anyway. It's not a hardship.

*

*

"Man, you are freaking out like my baby sister on her first date," said Aldis. "It's kind of awesome. I'll tell you the same thing I told her--he tries to get past first and you break out the mace."

"So lie and say he's Team Edward. Like, hey guys, yeah, I'm dating a dude, but at least he thinks Jacob should DIAF!"

"We're not dating," Jensen pointed out, like he hadn't brought this up.

"Yet," said Aldis. "Seriously, when I told him you were Edward? He was so happy he nearly kissed me."

"I'm going to have to tell him my whole family are crazy Twihards. My sister coruns My Life Is Twilight, jesus."

"Aren't half of those trolls?" asked Aldis.

"Half of those are me trolling," Jensen admitted. "This is why I will never have a boyfriend."

"Well, at least get laid. This whole sexually frustrated thing is way too Edward." Aldis grinned. "And now I am going to my room so I can not bask in the power of your gay love."

Jensen sighed. "Thanks for the pep talk, boss."

Aldis grinned. "If you choose to ignore my sage advice? Suit up. Just because you're both virgins doesn't mean you shouldn't be safe."

Jensen flipped him the bird as he left.

This really wasn't a date. This was actually horrifically sad, because they were going to sit around in Jensen's dorm room, each on their own laptop, roleplaying a fictional date between fictional characters on the internet.

Jensen's life could stand to be a little more Twilight.

*

Jared showed up at six with a pizza and his laptop. "What's your costume?" he asked, as he set himself up on Jensen's bed--Jensen's bed--with his laptop.

"Uh," said Jensen, looking away with a flush. "Dracula."

Jared snorted. "Of course. Take away all my plausible deniability."

Jensen laughed. "Whatever, I'm sure there'll be tons of fake vampires at the masquerade ball," he said, setting his laptop up on his desk.

Jared patted the bed next to him. "Dude, sit over here. You aren't gonna be able to reach the pizza." He grinned. "Trust me, if you aren't here to stake your claim I am totally capable of eating the whole thing myself."

Jensen wasn't really sure his bed would hold both of them--it was a standard college bed and therefore tiny, and Jared was pretty much the opposite of tiny, but he had left some room. And Jensen didn't exactly mind having to get close to Jared.

He was fucked.

"Jacob's just wearing a tux and a mask," said Jared. "Taylor Lautner in formal wear is fucking hot."

Jensen flushed, a little uncomfortable. He and Jared had never actually had the sexuality conversation, but Bella-mun had made more than one reference to his love of the cock. "Yeah," he agreed awkwardly.

"Sorry," said Jared, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm gay, by the way."

"Nah," said Jensen, grinning. "He just wants Jacob for himself, he still doesn't want Jacob to be with Bella."

"Jerk," said Jared, knocking his shoulder against Jensen's and then just--staying there.

It wasn't exactly subtle.

The post for the dance was already up, and Jared put up a thread for Chekov and a thread for Hawkeye--Jensen still is struggling with one character, he doesn't know how Jared manages five--and then gave Jensen a bright grin. "So, I'm all yours," he said.

Jensen wasn't great at the flirting thing, but he was pretty sure Jared was doing it.

"Wait, seriously?" asked Aldis. "Like, you're not joking right now. Your parents are gonna disown you for dating Jensen?" he groaned. "Shit, this is Romeo and Juliet, and I am so Mercutio. I am gonna get shanked by a Twihard."

"No one is getting shanked!" said Jared. He glanced at Jensen. "Right?"

"We should start trying to introduce our parents to gay sock puppets or something," said Jared. "Just to, you know. Get them started."

Jensen groaned. "This is gonna suck."

Jared leaned over and kissed him, giving him a sunny smile as he pulled away. "But it's totally gonna be worth it."

Jensen was not responsible for the sappy smile he responded with.

"Please," said Aldis, "I am begging you, man. Hook me up with Winry. I am totally a catch. And I have a feeling you guys being all sappy and happy is gonna get real old, real fast."

Jared grinned. "I guess I do kind of owe you. I'll see what I can do."

*

me: hey, did you read His Forever?Macaroni: ummm i dunnotell me moreplot? author?me: diamond_dustedau before breaking dawn, alternate take on bella becoming a vampire?Macaroni: OH was that the one with, like, Jacob/Seth??me: yeah, a littleMacaroni: ew, no way, I don't read slashme: it was like two lineslike, oh, hey, jacob gave up on bella and he's dating another werewolf nowand alice had seth over to talk about giving headwhich was hilariousMacaroni: ugh, jensen! i don't want to read about werewolf blowjobsleave me alone :Pme: prude

*

Henrietta: what is this about you reading slash?me: hi dad, nice to hear from you tooI'm fine, by the waywhat is it?Henrietta: your sister said you were reading SLASHme: I read a fic with a slash pairing?it was e/bthere was like two seconds of gay jacobHenrietta: jensenwe've talked about thisi know slash might seem edgyand a lot of your friends have probably tried it once or twicebut it's WRONGme: you know slash fic != pot, right?Henrietta: don't you sass me jenseni am your fatherme: this convo would be way less weird if you weren't on a female accountHenrietta: what did i just say about sass

*

By the time Thanksgiving rolled around, Jensen was about ready to murder his entire family.

"I wrote an Edward/Jacob fic under a psuedonym and they all came and flamed it. My dad three times."

"I think your dad protests too much," said Jared. "I bet he shipped, like, Duncan/Richie, and now he's ashamed, so he claims to hate all slash. But sometimes, late at night, when everyone else is asleep, he goes to the Wayback Machine and finds his old favorites."

"Wow," said Jensen. "Thanks for that horrifying look into my father's theoretical psychoses."

"Anytime," said Jared, kissing him on the cheek. "Do you still want to come out over Thanksgiving?"

"Yeah," said Jensen. "Best case scenario, I don't have to go home for Christmas."

His first day back, Jensen's mother had him spend the whole day attacking her new sockpuppet so that the Jacob fans would defend her from his vicious flaming and she could gain their trust.

So, clearly, he didn't really have time to bring up the whole boyfriend thing.

The second day, Mack's boyfriend told her he really wasn't into roleplaying vampires during sex (and Jensen felt kind of smug that his boyfriend was) and the fallout from that kept them pretty busy. Plus, Jensen had to admit, it would be a seriously dickish move if he followed up Mack's breakup with "By the way, I have a boyfriend." Stealing her thunder and rubbing it in.

The third day was Thanksgiving, so it was mostly cooking and eating and being thankful for Robert Pattinson.

"What if I did?" asked Jensen. "Seriously, what would you do if I decided I wanted to write slash, guys? What if I wanted to watch House?"

"HUDDY IS A GOOD AND NOBLE SHIP AND YOU WOULD RESPECT IT," his father thundered.

"Oh Jesus fucking Christ," Jensen muttered, and buried his face in his hands.

*

"He really called Huddy a good and noble ship?" Jared asked, wincing.

"Yup," said Jensen. "And then I grabbed my shit, which I already packed, and came back to campus. My dad sent me like five flames. And a link to the Huddy ship_manifesto."

"My mom told me there were comms that could help me realize how I really felt."

"Is that like--straight camp, but on the internet?"

"God, I don't even know," said Jared, laughing a little. "I didn't even try telling them about the whole Team Edward thing."

"If I didn't think my dad would have killed me, I would have lead with that."

"Yeah, dating an Edward fan is way worse than dating a guy."

"Shut up, he's dreamy," said Jensen, sticking his tongue out. He groaned as he got another LJ comment from his mom, this one about how he was a LAIR. "She's breaking out the capslock."

Jared propped his chin on Jensen's head to read. "And the typos. Awesome. You should link my mom so they can get in a flamewar." He snorted. "This is so much more like Romeo and Juliet than Twilight is."

Jensen tried valiantly not to find it hot that Jared made that reference. "So now all we need to do is commit suicide so they can resolve their differences," he teased.

(May I suggest you insert 'alt="appropriate alt text"' into your img tags? I usually browse with images off—yay dial-up—and it took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out that the blank spaces between asterisks had stuff in them.)