Childfree Men: Misunderstood and Often Maligned!

Childfree men fly under the radar screen more often than their female counterparts. In our culture, the role of father is not deemed essential in the life of a man. For women, on the other hand, many consider being a mother to be a chief purpose in life. Some people go so far as to propose that this is a woman's main reason for existing. But men who do not become dads are still viewed with suspicion, and they often get a bad rap! They are often thought to be immature little boys who never grew up and whose primary goal in life is to play.

This stereotype of the little boy in a man's body is even placed onto Hollywood actors. Take George Clooney, for example; he's labeled as a playboy and perceived by many as immature and self-focused. The reality about George is that he is extremely hardworking and accomplished in his field, and he has ongoing involvements in philanthropic pursuits around the world. Just one is the ONE Campaign, dedicated to fighting poverty in Africa. Hugh Grant is similarly perceived and is also quite outspoken and involved in activities that help others. Neither of these men have had the distractions of a family to interfere with their career or civic goals.

Men in Hollywood who are dads are portrayed as somehow stronger and more mature. Take Brad Pitt, for example. In the recent Academy Awards, there was talk of his role as a father of six. Funny how few other celebrities' private lives were brought up that evening?

False perceptions persist!

Employers often prefer men who are dads, as they are viewed as more reliable and responsible employees than are guys who have no one to consider but themselves. This is especially true for bachelors. If a man is married and has no children, the boss may anticipate that a little one is on the way. If a baby does not enter the scene, it must be because of infertility, because once a man marries and settles down, isn't the next step to start a family? It's hard for many people to imagine that a couple simply would prefer to be on their own, unencumbered by children and the responsibilities that come with parenting.

So, who are childfree men anyway?

The reality is that men who don't have kids are as varied as their female counterparts. Some have simply never met the right partner with whom to create a family, and their ambivalence about this is such that they're not going to go out to actively seek it. They are the classic childfree by happenstance. Others are truly childfree by choice. They have made a conscious decision to not have kids, either due to lifestyle or to life values. If they are in a relationship, it's with someone who shares their view and also has chosen a life without kids. And then there are the childfree by circumstance guys. They would have loved to have become fathers, but they simply couldn't make it happen. Perhaps their partners were infertile, or perhaps they never married due to shyness or other barrier to meeting a mate. They look at their peers who are fathers with envy, wishing that they could have too had this role in life. These men likely feel a grief similar to that experienced by women who were unable to become mothers despite their yearning to do so.

What's the future for childfree living?

I see a rapid change in our society that will hopefully spread across the world in time. Many of the young people I speak to today are seriously contemplating whether or not they want to have kids and they truly view this as an option. Being childfree has become a more acceptable option. With the potential advent of no-cost contraception available to everyone, there will be fewer unplanned and unwanted pregnancies. More and more folks entering the grandparenting years are finding themselves without grandkids and yet, because they aren't alone, it's not so bad.

Who knows, maybe in twenty years, no one will bat an eye if a man doesn't have kids. He won't be viewed as an immature playboy who never grew up. He may even be perceived as someone who is more able to fully focus on goals and aspirations, because he is not distracted by the responsibilities of parenting.

I posted to one of your previous articles. I'm the childless bachelor who is an alumni and employee of USM. The Catholic church has produced a documentary called "Demographic Winter". The documentary details many of the points you make in this article. It has sociologists stating that childless bachelors are immature. It also has economists stating that we aren't producing enough consumers to drive the economy, and that is the real cause of the recession. When I was an undergraduate, we had a part time faculty member who was also the head of a state agency. He told the class that they prefer to hire married men with children, that they are less prone to quit due to their obligations of family. He said single males are more prone to quit due to the b.s. and office politics, that single males didn't have the pressure of family to keep them at the job. He wasn't that blunt, he got his message across, though. I've had married friends with children tell me that they wanted to quit or switch jobs, they had the responsibility of a family, though. I wonder how many employers know this? You can see the documentary on youtube.

As a single man in his 40s with no kids I can honestly say I am living the life I always wanted to. I never had any desire to have children. I don't hate kids. I just don't want to have them. A funny thing happens though which I think I should share. When I meet women occasionally they bring it up as if its a bad thing but I just explain totally honestly that I just never had the desire to have them and you know what? They get over it really quickly. Its never gotten in the way of dating anyone. I own a condo and have a steady job and a master's degree actually. So I tend to think that covers the thinking that I'm immature because I chose not to have children. How many immature people have the patience to go through graduate school? So I always say to each his own and I never try to push anyone in any direction, but for me I'm happy not having children.

I'm a woman in my mid-30s with a PhD and I am called selfish all the time. First, it was for going to school for 12 years to complete my education and then it was not choosing not to get married and have kids. I have a great life, but many people can't seem to accept that. My mother told me I was selfish for not wanting kids, so I told her I would have them (via adoption) and she would raise them for me. I would just come over every two weeks to play with them for an hour. She told me she didn't have the patience to do that at her age. So I told her what is more selfish: Me choosing not to have kids or me having kids and expecting her to raise them for me because I can't be bothered?

I'm glad you addressed this. You don't see any articles on this unless you actively search for them. If you passively look at articles, it's always about childfree women, with the rare occasion of one about childfree men.

I have faced the discrimination just because I'm a childfree male. We know they are not allowed to do, but it does happen. Every time I go for an interview, they ask the question. Of course, I tell them that I'm a single male with no children. Almost immediately, the interview stops there, and there is never any response even if I call them to get an update. If they do response, it's always that the opening was filled. Now, I tell them that I don't feel comfortable telling them about my family life. Same result happens.

At my current job, I'm the only single male. Sure, there are other males, but they're all married with children. Who gets the extra work? Of course, me. Try to object or use my seniority, "Oh you. You don't have any responsibilities anyway since you're single and have no children." Guy leaves early saying something wrong with their children (70% of the time, they admit to lying about it to leave early), again, same result. It's not like I'm the horrible worker that needs to be penalized. My recent annual evaluation turned up to be almost perfect. Only one person got a better evaluation than me, which was the perfect single mother (and she deserved it, she's a very hard worker, not only at her job, but as a mother!)

Do people just see us as having no life? I do more than what people think. Included are volunteering, helping family members with things they need done, and even watching other people's pets while they're away. There are times when I do nothing but sit away the entire weekend watching T.V. and listening to music. But that's my free time, I'm entitled to it. It's not all that I do. Even if a person did have no life, it wouldn't matter. It's that person's life. They shouldn't be automatically judged because of it.

Do I need to be penalized because I chose not to marry and have the 2.5 children, the dog, the cat, the SUV, and the white picket fence? Do I really need to be negatively stereotyped automatically upon the person knowing I'm a single, childfree male?

I found your response remarkably honest. I am, too, not dedicated to making someone pregnant just so that a boss could get it his or her way. As a man you embrace your freedom and tolerate having it taken from you when a child enters your life. By then, hopefully, you played enough. But we are not going out there to have kids. Its not in our genes. Having kids is for women who are so geared toward being a mother.

I somewhat agree that perhaps some bosses are looking at you as different because you are child free. But I would say this, they absolutely envy you, are completely jealous about the fact that after work you can do what pleases you where for the guy with kids screaming kids and responsibilities are waiting. Go fishing when ever you want. Go on vacation at any given time. No parent meetings, dirty diaper changing, or having to explain the world to them every minute of their day.

So, while we want to have kids badly at times, we also love our freedom. Selfish is only who has kids without actually knowing why.

One of the biggest complaints of single workers is that they get more of the workload dumped on them due to some parent having to leave work to take care of a family matter and often it's just an excuse to leave work. Another thing I've witnessed is coworkers who are parents and or married have resentments to single employees who socialize or party on their off time. I don't know how prevalent that is, though.

Amen to the previous posters! They took the words right out of my mouth. The one difference is: I'm a woman. It appears that for those of us who are unmarried and without children there IS gender equality!

I have noticed one area where men in general, but single men without children in particular, definitely face more discrimination than women. It's volunteering with community youth groups such as scouts or Little League. The automatic assumption is that a single man wants to get involved because he's a pedophile, while a single woman wants to get involved in order to nuture children. I've been told by several men that they'd love to mentor kids but they're afraid of a cloud of suspicion hovering over them, even when an extensive background check is required and the group never allows an adult to be alone with a child. Has anybody else noticed this?

You make an interesting point about people thinking your a pedophile. Another assumption people make about single males who aren't married is that they are serial womanizers or some type of oddball. Many people after divorce(s) and there kids are grown prefer to live alone and like it, but because they are a parent and have had the experience of marriage(s), they aren't judged.

I agree with everything you've said. Parenthood should be a choice, not some obligation to society. As I said in one of my earlier posts, the catholic church is complaining about childless couples. I'm not knocking catholics, I'm just stating a point.I figured some entity would complain about this trend at some point. Don't concern yourself with what these other people think, make your own decisions.

We'd have a better world if only those who wanted children (and were emotionally and monetarily able and ready to raise them carefully and willingly) would have them. Childfree men are a varied and interesting group.

I'll be interested as to which sociologists are mouthpieces for the Catholic Church. Thanks for the mention of that "documentary." We all need to speak up more about the big pedophile-ridden church that is trying to take away choice of ANY birth control from all of us.

Let us never forget that if birth control is taken away from us not only will the choice of being childfree be taken from us but the choice to limit the number of children to the number you want. The planet will be paved over if everyone is forced to have 20+ children as often happened in the pre-birth control past.

I find it frightening that Rick Santorum who is opposed to all birth control and trying to foist Catholic Church law on all of us is considered a mainstream politician. The famous Upton Sinclair warned us that the Roman Catholic Church's own doctrines outlined their intent to take away civil law and replace it with Catholic Church law. Too many of his predictions have and are coming to pass.

I'm a childfree person (married) in my mid 40's. I agree with many of the comments, and appreciate the author's focus on childfree men vs. childfree women.

I find that I'm really struggling to maintain friendships with my childed friends - I've read plenty of articles about why moms are busy all the time (still don't buy it), but their husbands are also unaccountably busy all the time. Is there a pact that childed couples can never interact with childfree people? My wife and I love kids, just don't have our own. We're consciously excluded from all celebrations and events that include kids, and are finding it hard no to resent the mommy mafia and their thralls (husbands).

There IS a certain kind of modern mommy mafia (and their thralls, love your term) for sure I agree who ignores everyone doesn't have children. I have even seen them ignore even those who once had them and LOST children to death and so have none for that reason. The way I look at it is this -- you have found out who isn't a good person to associate with. That is a priceless gift. There may be fewer good parents than one would like these days (a worry for the future IMHO), but being excluded by the bad ones leaves you free to find friends (whether childfree, childless or childed) who are decent people.

Childfree needs to stop being a stigma (much like being gay!) Breeding is the real disease, yet it is encouraged...why would anyone want someone to have a kid they don't want! Will trying to convince them and calling them selfish REALLY make your case better?! I'm sorry but we currently are not in short supply of people on this planet.