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23 December 2014

A bit of a glaring look at life within the walls of those that are not so fortunate at this time of year, a play on words, a little of a well known story; with a twist to open the door and let others peer inside. There is a reality that we face living in poverty, all of us, no matter how much we tell ourselves that the spirit of this season, regardless of what religion you are, the spirit of this season is one of good will and giving within humanity; one of miracles and happiness, but for many like us it is a moment of glaring clarity of all that we cannot provide, give or expect in our lives.

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house all the creatures were scurrying, looking for that mouseThe stockings are empty and the chimney is not there, the Yule tree sits bright, lights flashing. It's branches laden with glitter and ornaments placed with care, underneath it completely bare. The turkey sits waiting for crisping and cooking, no stuffing or dressing, gravy or cranberries to share.....a simple meal of poultry and potatoes for all who are there. Momma sits and leans in Papa's arms, tears glistening; love being all she has to give to her heirs......no matter the work, no matter how hard, the hole was too big to make much repair. She snuggles her boy and hugs him tight, a tear spills from her eyes, finding his tiny cheek; he kisses her face; his little voice whispers "Mom, I love you to infinity!" Together they lay out the cookies, a glass of milk, and a prayer that next year will be better, this year to be a distant memory, filled with struggle and strain to be replaced with a year born in gain.

Poverty and Pain are not to remain.

Last week I shared a link to a post that only the working poor would understand, the lack of dental for one, boy does my family know that one! the vehicle that doesn't always get you where you are going but yet it is not affordable to replace, repair is more likely when possible.....and that hopefully you know how to do yourself or you may just find yourself SOL. The reaction to that post was amazing, so many of us in the same boat, so many of us living just under or straddling that poverty line, and yet we work, most of us quite hard but cannot break through that blasted line, then along comes this season, and us parents we cringe......not looking forward to the disappointed faces of our children, something that was also brought up in that post, it became quite the discussion, will they remember this disappointment? or is it more something that us parents carry around with us......I am inclined to lean towards the latter of the two.

When I was child I wanted Fashion Plates, so so badly, I hounded my father for this particular toy! begged him constantly and asked him please could I have this for Christmas, he of course agreed that yes I could. Days later he came to me and handed me a small piece of paper, I remember looking at it and wondering what is this, well it was a picture of my beloved Fashion Plates and he said to me "here now you have it, I told you you could have it" big smile on his face, and he walked away chuckling......of course I was so upset thinking this was the closest I was going to get to my beloved toy, only to open it excitedly the next week.........I played with them for a short time, and like many other of my toys I would have forgotten all about them if it had not been for the little slip from the catalogue that my dad had cut out, that I kept much longer.......I hope with my children that they have these little stories to remember too, to make up for the lean times there is only one way to ever make up for them......Love.

It may be cliche, or polyanna, or who knows whatever the hell else anyone wants to say, but when you live this life, and you struggle to keep it all going, then hanging onto love and kindness is sometimes all you have....not the type of kindness that is shown with the idea of gain, but genuine from the heart, give you my last morsel of food type of kindness....the kindness stories of this time regale us with.....miracles in time.....magic

As the boy sleeps, the stockings will dance, taking their place under bows of lace, and stars of black locust, filled with dreams, hearts, love and grace.
From our family to yours, may you find all the blessings of the season have made it to your stockings as well!

17 December 2014

I'm older now but I am more me than I have ever been, at times the reality of this brings tears of emotion to my eyes spontaneously, suddenly overwhelmed by the sheer expanse of who I used to be to who I am now. I was digging around in my heart this last bit, thinking that now there were no more corners left in it that I had not explored when I realized that no there was one little bit STILL left hidden, locked away too painful to deal with...this last year, well since February it has been one hell of a ride, of clearing, and dropping old luggage, things that had taken residence in the darkest corners of my heart, long since now covered with so many cobwebs I barely knew they were there, but they were still leaching out their venom every so often. I have to say for years I like most people read horoscopes but didn't pay much attention to anything much about the actual planets and where they were in the sky other than the Moon I wasn't much interested in Astrology, but after this year and following the cardinal cross, the alignments through the time since and seeing how it has played out in my own life I must give it a ton of respect....some days through this year it was the warning in the planets combined with my prophetic visions that prepared me for the hard shit I have dealt with.

This has been one of the hardest stretches of inner work ever for me! Control, yes with kids every mother knows that they have to take care of everything....know everything, and be prepared for every moment! hardest thing in the world to step away from that and do as Yemaya tells me; Ride your wave my child......the wave that has now taken me to to the bottom of Hecate's cauldron, conversations and moments that run deep as I stand between the two that walk with me and guide me on my passages, my transitions and faced my own shadow and light. A lifetime ago is now almost forgotten, the person I was is like someone that you vaguely remember but can't place their name....the sadness that used to be there for that little girl is now thankful for that pain that brought release, freedom from shackles of convention, and very necessary growth, the alternative very clearly a death of my spirit, a life in a shell of nothingness. That pain set me on the road to me.

On Monday I decided it was time to slash and burn, let it all go, all the things that I have worked on so hard to understand this entire year, one of those things with me I do not necessarily have to agree with people I just need to understand their motives, if I can do that then it stops being an issue for me. This is not a small undertaking, and me well I am like that Ironman runner you know, gone through so many of the different parts of the course and now is at the virtual end, the finish line in sight the excitement comes and you cross it on a high......then the exhaustion kicks in and although in your mind you know how great this is, the prep, the work, the reality of what you just put yourself through still leaves your emotions slightly red and raw, and your muscles numb needing to rest to regroup. I imagine standing at a window looking out and wondering what is next on the circuit, what is the next step on the path? then my heart says it matters not you know to just step and the path will materialize under your feet......trust, believe, have faith the real lesson of your life, to stop, to trust and to let go.

So here is me letting go; To all those that have hurt me, to those that I have hurt, to one and all.....I send love, I send forgiveness and I apologize for the ways in which my life may have caused hardships in yours. I wish you the best, blessings, abundance and much love.

To the Gods and the Ancestors I say; I seek no earthly leaders for my faith, trust and love is in the ones that have always walked alongside me long before my birth. Thank you for all you have given me in my life, my heart overflows with love and your glow fills me. I lay my heart in your hands, in faith I continue down my own road, dancing to the beat your drum.........I pledge to never forget and to always serve you with an open heart.

My words, my life, my path......Blessed Yule to you! May Blessings of love, peace, prosperity and health find you one and all!

07 December 2014

My day starts the same way everyday, I wake up and groan as I try to get out of bed. For the last almost six months I have lived in a constant agony of pain, some days are better than others but for the most part it hurts. I sit more than I used to, I get tired faster as well, but I keep going. While things are getting better on one level they are still hard on many others; like many of you out there that read my blog, because at the end of the day we all have our own issues in our lives that make our lives difficult, none of us are immune to the daily struggles of life on Earth. Still though this week a few times I kinda lost my shit; let it get to me and vented a bit on my wall, and then of course a whole heck of a lot to the lucky ones that messaged me to find out what the scoop was. Yep that is right I let my crazy have free reign a little this week, as uncomfortable as that may make some people, yep that is right I noticed the drop in friends and it made me think about a statement I made a while back.......What if I told you our biggest problem is not religion, politics or money. It is our disconnection from our own humanity.

Big statement that one, isn't it? so what gives me the authority to make such a huge statement? did I study in a university? or have some schooling that qualifies me to make such a statement? nope, nope and nope but my qualifications come from a much higher source when it comes to making a statement like that, my right to say this comes from the undeniable truth that I am very human. I have now lived in different stations in life, within different cultures and in entirely different ends of my local geography. I began with a life 46 yrs ago in an infinitely different place than where I am now. I have been daughter, mother, wife and sister. I have been comfortable, wealthy and dirt poor. Not only have I seen and been all these things but I have watched myself and others and how things change within and without as circumstances around us change. You cannot live through what we have just gone through and continue to try to pull ourselves out of without it affecting you on an inner core level, well at least in my humble opinion, so if that is not enough qualification for you then stop reading now, for others let me tell you this is some serious shit!

Why are we so afraid of human emotion? is it really somehow so ugly and disgusting of us to admit to weakness, or to even admit to another that we may need help? I find it so sad to realize that help is one of those things that we should be able to all rely on in each other, but in truth the world has become such a cold and bitter place at times, and when you have no money it becomes an even colder one. Our governments hand out stiffer sentences to those that steal money from them than they do those that rape or murder, somehow creating this prevailing energy that human life is much less important than the economy and government coffers. Can it be any wonder that our society values and measures your success by the car you drive? Let me tell you a little story; yesterday my husband and I were out with our beat up old Chevy truck, our old money maker back from when things were good and what we had we shared with all those around, she is not great now but she still runs like a dream......we stopped at the gas station and inside was a local man we recognize from the grocery store not a particularly memorable person other than his envious energy and need to gossip really stands out, and yesterday maybe it was the full moon or maybe it was the week I had, I had enough, my truck is old but she runs well and takes care of me, my home as my husband says it may not be the Taj Mahal but I find shelter and love here, I may not have tons of money but I am happy in my life and for the hard bits I hold onto my magic. Well let us just say he could not look at me, even when I passed him once again in the middle of town, if he could have found a hole to crawl into he would have.

After some time the husband well he is finally back to work, it will take some time to pull us out of that hole that just well grew to the size of an enormous crater, and it will continue to feel like every day when we crawl a little further up the side the ground might just cave below us, but still we will keep going. Everything costs in this world, even the ability for him to work costs us money we don't have till he works a bit, it is a constant cycle of outflowing before it will start to really flow inwards and remain. There are bills to pay, things to take care of that do not wait, responsibilities that require taking care of, these are the realities of life....the car I drive no matter how old is irrelevant, at this point I am simply glad I still have a vehicle that keeps going. You tell me if that man is thinking about how hard my human struggle is or if he is just poking at someone he sees as having less than him.....you tell me if you think he has lost his humanity or if he retains it when he goes to church on Sundays only? or is that just to keep everyone else from pointing and mocking him as he does to others? how connected to the creator/ess is that behaviour?

Every day I get up and I do the same thing, I groan as I move, then I light the candle on my altar and chant for a new day that is opening before me. Everyday I ask for the protection, love and understanding to go out into the world. I ask that my family and the families of those in need be taken care of. Everyday I sign onto my page, my little piece of me and I offer to help, I extend love and blessings to those that come my way. I create and I bend wire as I try to help pull my family out of this circumstance, everyday I hold onto my magic as I craft the life I want to live around me. I post moments hoping that the eyes reading them will feel the magic and let it fill them, rather than get stuck on the realities of the words. I figure if one person is reached then it maybe can create an avalanche of change. I pray for the day that we all can be connected and feel for each other the way it should always have been, the day where we cannot stand to see our fellow humans in pain because it hurts us if we do. It is only because our connection has faltered that religion, politics or money have even been able to become such a problem. I could sit and see things the way that man does, I could feel as negative and greedy with life as he is, but everyday I choose to strengthen that connection rather than let it die, I choose to hold onto my magic.

Everyday I start my day the same way.....I say a prayer for you, won't you join me? see if we can turn this shit around?

30 November 2014

Never have I said I was perfect, not a bit, not a lot not even an inch of perfect is wrapped up in me, I am what I am and life is what it is. I come from a respectable family and on the outside it is all lollipops and fancy crocheted socks, on the inside it was hard, lonely and lacking in direction. All I knew as a kid was that I was starved for love, so I looked for it, I searched and found what I thought was an all consuming love, a heart that called to mine and eyes that I could not look in without getting totally lost in the dream of a life filled with love that was all for me. I wanted nothing more in my life at the time, just the feeling that I had when I laid in those arms, strong, young and in my innocence and stupidity of youth I thought love would win all the battles and we would be together forever....I didn't much think past that, I was 16.

I sit here 30 years later, exactly, looking back on the train wreck that was my life.....hell no I am not even kind to myself in some of that; even though there is plenty of them that already tear a strip every so often from an already lashed back, no matter how many times people tell you the past is the past it is until it involves them........then they have memories like elephants and me I am never allowed to let it go and move forward......so let me just rip the fucken bandaid right off and expose the wound in its entirety......I tell my kids all the time guilt is an useless emotion that serves absolutely no purpose, feeling guilty and doing nothing about it is well useless, what growth comes from it? what release? in truth though I still drag that bitch around with me like a proverbial anchor around my foot. I let everyone down. I got married and didn't even know how to make automatic coffee, imagine that! boiling an egg well that was even worse. If I had written this blog a few years ago I would trash him right here, tell you that he was a horrible monster, truth is we were children playing at being adults, neither one of us had many skills at this home making thing, add to that parents that never let go to let us fall when it would have been a smaller bump than the end result crash with three kids involved. Now being an adult and a parent I can see that partly it was done out of love, but the result was not good.....maybe it was a way for them to make up the existence of a child that felt so out of place even in her own room that she ran to uncles and aunts, anyone that could see the hurt and loneliness, that offered a warm hug and a grandmother that just enveloped you in love......it is what it is and it was what it was. I am not perfect.

Today I am faced with change, growth and stepping out of that old skin every day a bit at a time, one foot in front of the other....sometimes I look back and I think my life started when the other one ended, I do not recognize that person anymore, but every so often the fallout reaches my shores, I am once again reminded of who I was, what I walked away from and once again I am forced to feel the pain of the past, the moments that should be happy and I should cry tears of joy end up creating tears of pain and anguish for those that I lost along the way to reclaiming me, for their lack of understanding and inability to let go of the past and move forward and for what I know will come knocking at their doors for their judgments, my own flesh and blood; people wonder why I say that blood is only what we are forced into but it does not connect us, hearts do that, the will to want more, the love that is born out of purity not obligation. Obligation is ego in disguise, do the right thing in the eyes of those watching so that you may receive a great pat on the head and smiles of acceptance....yea long as you are a good girl, guess I was born wearing the black cape already.

All of this at times makes me buckle under the pressure and the weight of everyone that still relies on me today....so I write and I bend wire, I create and I apply magic where the pains still surface, I send love to what I cannot fix, and I pray for their release as well as mine....and today well this is the ramblings of a hurt old witch, I grew and became the woman I should have always been but it was not at no cost.....this is my day to sit and remember and cry the cleansing tears of release.....we all need that sometimes.....sending love and a slanted half hurt smile to those that want them today.

24 November 2014

A blank page stares at me, my fingers itching to write, my mind filled with so many thoughts that it is so very hard to formulate but one to start with, and the events of the last week or so roll around in there....the happiness, the celebration of course followed by the disappointment and finally the stages of grief, and yes I say grief, not grief from the death of a loved one but the kind of ripping pain you feel when someone that you are connected to in a most fundamental way let's you down so much. That kind of pain that is with you even when you tell yourself that you are lucky, you are rich in so many other ways, surrounded by love and those that just want to uplift you but yet your heart yearns for only that one moment of recognition from that person that withholds it, knowing you deserve all the love they should be showering on you, expecting each year to be different but age only shows that nothing changes. Maturity, understanding and love reserved for death beds and moments of reckoning with their own gods, amazing how facing their own mortality can have that affect on those kinds of frozen, concreted and bereft of feeling hearts? and although I am referring to one specific incidence in my family recently, I could be drawing attention to quite a few of extended relationships that my immediate family members deal with. It is what it is, a big saying around our home it just is what it is, it really is not personal, as odd and difficult as it may be for some to get the concept of how it could not be personal since you feel like you are personally being mistreated, seems ridiculous huh? well way I look at it is the way someone else treats you is based on their own inner workings, when you are sure in yourself of your own beliefs, who you are, your own moral compass and you feel it is directed properly, by far none of us are perfect and all we can strive for is to be good humans, good people then when you do that and someone still mistreats you it is their issue, their personal problem to deal with not yours.

Cut and dried huh? well it has taken years of us discussing these things back and forth and many blended spiritual practices and thoughts to come to this place where we can deal with the realities of our relationships and lives with each other openly, without the blow ups of the past, there are still tears and moments of anger but they are more within our control and about expressing feelings without shouting and screaming, more discussions that run late and deep into the night and bucketloads of black gold. These moments are the ones we reach for old faithful energy lifting things like our favorite movies....this weekend it was Practical Magic, it actually has been that movie quite often...no not because of the somewhat unbelievable Hollywood additions to the magical moments, for moments of magic that you would find unbelievable I have plenty of them in my own life ~ remind me someday to tell you about the year the snakes came to roost in our home ~ anyway I have always loved the movie because of the two sisters, their strength, devotion and love of each other and their family but especially each other, the love story was secondary to me.....but watching it this weekend with someone else that although they have watched it with me often they have never really watched it like they did this weekend, well even for me it was an eye opener......as one sisters life unravels and the other steps in to help suddenly they could see how the first spell was suddenly coming to life, starting to weave it's energy, this brought up the most interesting discussion that ran two days about energy, how it weaves into our lives and connects us....about how it is adverse to our lives and those of others when we try to hold on to that energy and not allow it flow, back and forth, completing its cycle. Amazing isn't it that to anyone in this world the way a light bulb works with the flow of energy ever constant never stopping is so well understood, hell we even as kids created those lights with potatoes but yet so many of us have trouble understanding that same concept in our own lives, in our communities and with our own families.

It has been a very difficult stretch in the last five to six years now, there has been so much growth, so many things clearer now to us, so many lessons explained in painstaking clarity. There was a time that everytime one lesson was done I would secretly think ok awesome this must mean the road ahead is clear now and it will be smooth sailing now.....then well you know the rest. I won't deny that those moments make it hard, even for me the eternal optimist, I get tired too....I have been asked many times how I do it, keep going, lift myself up time and time again, and I have said many times faith.....for me watching that movie this weekend partly through fresh eyes of one I love well I realized part of it is the sisterhood. I grew up as an only child, it was lonely, it was sad and there were many moments of wishing for a sister of some sort, someone to talk to, share my dreams and hopes with, but there wasn't. Aunts were great, but you could only tell them so much, cousins are wonderful but for me all were younger than me, other than male ones and well those I wasn't looking to share my dreams with much less too many words.....adolescent Portuguese males in the 80's in downtown Toronto were not necessarily all that liberating when it came to how they felt about women, of course not all of them but majority of them. What I longed for my entire life was sisterhood, community, a sense of belonging.....a place where I never doubted my role or my value to the greater whole, hell I created my own family that is blended and the lines are so blurred now that we revel in the fact that love reigns and bloodlines are irrelevant, and those that don't well I guess bloodlines are really irrelevant to them so how can I fault them for that decision? after all we all learn on our own what is truly important to them, I can't and I won't so on we go......

Facebook many times takes a ton of hits, many complain about its drama quotient, well yea its pretty bad at times I know! but in truth the internet and Facebook combined have given me the ability to find my extended family, my sisters and brothers too. In a society where so many of us feel alone at times, especially us solitary practitioners it has become a place to connect with those that are of like mind and at times we are lucky and find a part of us that was missing. For me that is what it has become. I cannot tell you how many times in the last almost 8 years on there ~ and yes I said 8 years!~ that I have held hands virtually with a sister and sent love to support her and her family....or that a brother has stopped to just chat with me when they may not have known that at that moment I needed a friend too, someone to just say hello how are you...amazing something like Facebook, a tool so many of us take for granted, has so very many times connected me with those all over the world that feel my heart when it breaks, just as I feel their spirits when they soar. Something changes in the heart of a solitary witch when she finds that community, or at least it does for this witch. It is as if the knowledge of the ancients opens before me, supported it seems so much easier to see that which was hidden in the shadows around me, and the shadow no longer holds the same fear of darkness, more of an understanding and clarity of purpose. In all things and people there is good and bad, it is our choice how we use it. I chose growth, so now I don't do the little happy dance thinking ok yea smooth sailing anymore, no, now I sit back and absorb, pondering the words and sniff at it, swirl it around in my chalice as you would fine cognac, I let the smoke from my altar billow and rise as the connections in the lesson form, as the magic shows me what I am to gather from this moment, what I am to let go of and what I am to carry forward....

Today as I lit my altar, as I have come to do everyday, I sat back and just enjoyed the constancy and flicker of the candles both different but yet the same, as the little one did his little morning ritual of sweeping the kitchen I enjoyed watching him and realizing this was his moment of connection with his one little magical tool, his own broom, it reinforced in me that I never want to not enjoy the simplest of moments with eyes closed and a heart that does not see ever again.....community, belonging, sisterhood, family best lessons ever and in my opinion you can never fully grasp its enormity in your life because love is ever changing, support is always shifting and there is always something to learn about those you love, when we stop doing that we start taking each other for granted, and that is never a good lesson.

As the US Thanksgiving approaches for the first time in our home we are going to celebrate it, we are going to sit and let each other know around our table what we are thankful for in our lives, and how very thankful we are for each other, for the food we eat, the roof over our heads and for all of you that share in our lives and in our hearts. I am extra thankful that hard times bring us closer now rather than tear us apart, for that alone I am ever grateful, this was really a wonderful New Moon for us, plans are made and bonds reaffirmed.

16 November 2014

Today is the anniversary of the day I took back me, and I have spent this last year looking back on my life, going over bit by bit, moment by moment, analyzing my actions, who I was, who I became and how I did it. I realized in all that time that I am pretty thankful that I walked onto this path. I was headed down this road that well for me would have surely meant a death to my soul. When I was first married at 16 I couldn't cook, I was timid and quiet most times and well there was no way I could ever plant anything it would surely die! I look back now and realize that although at that point I dabbled and played with what at the time I considered the occult, I had no idea what path I was headed down and how much it would change me, witchcraft in the shadows saved my life. I kept that part of me hidden and kept doing what everyone thought was the right thing for a girl like me, a good little Portuguese girl, well even by the cultures standards I was already not one of those, although I had not done any of the things that classified you as a bad girl for whatever reason that reputation had already attached itself to me in my early years. Some said it was my dad, since he had been the dark horse all those years I had graciously inherited the title so I worked harder to please, to make them stop talking.....well that created the worst pattern in my life, the people pleasing one, that somehow ate up all of who I was meant to be.

Life has sucked at times, not to put down the word suck because there are times that sucking can be so good! but this time instead of sucking honeysuckle flowers it has sucked sour grapes, and that I am not into. There was a time that I would look at all that bad stuff and think well as long as I never set my heart up for breaking by expecting the best then I will never be hurt or disappointed when the best doesn't happen.....should work right? nope! that was the worst thing I did! My heart is just not built that way, as I have come to realize there is a little bit of me that always looks at the best first, even when it is a bad situation I find the good in it, so that means for all those years I lived conflicted in those thoughts, how did I figure it out for myself? simple! I put everyone else's needs first, not just my kids, or my family but everyone! I became not important, non existent and the last person I thought of in any matter.....I made myself a second class citizen. Not such an original tale is it? us women we do this to ourselves a ton! we put our parents first as we grow, our partners first when we are older, then come kids and they come first, our jobs, our friends and on and on, we prioritise ourselves right out of the whole entire picture and then one day we wake up and suddenly we see that we are lost......that was me when my father passed.....suddenly that rock solid plateau I could always rest on when I tried to clear some of my patterns and reached for growth was gone....I relied on that rock for so long I lost my balance and freefell, open for all kinds of manipulation from all sorts of people, all I wanted to do was quietly lick my wounds, hibernate, disappear.....anything but center stage where I was suddenly put.

Then the vultures came out, once again let me be clear I love vultures in the wild but when people take on the attributes of vultures well they are not so damn attractive are they? They attacked every part of me, there was nothing off limits. My health was used to be something that somehow was my fault, my weakness and the way that I let my family down, the fact that I collapsed from overwork and went into a full SLE episode, had to have surgery to remove lumps from my breast, could barely walk or function outside of my home, I was now scum and not worth the time to talk to. It was a time of pointing out where in my life I had failed to live up to expectations, my protector gone I became free game, and I hung my head in shame, lost in a world of grief and pain. My saving grace was that thankfully I had already started my online world, my shop, my page and my gallery, it was my place to hide away from a world filled with pain, for which I took further heat....the whole thing about hiding behind a computer screen, well yea that is not me....I am who I am either online or live. Of course I met many that I love dearly and love me but hell there is a shitload of well what I have come to call plastics or plastic witches out there ~ there is that shit stirring of the cauldron again!~ So what did I do? well at first I buckled and let them ride over me, but then as the pressure in my personal life continued and my outlet was being ruled by pompous asses, I rose up and took back my presence, my life and who I am even online.....man what a bitch that made me to soooooo many people! both online and live!

I don't say much in my status' about it anymore but in truth they attack my page, me, and my shop all the time. They spread gossip and lies about things they don't know, tell people my products are not made by me, post about my cheap wire, oh let's not forget how they measure me on their witch scales to decide how truthfully witchy I am or not....hell I have even heard about how they decide and measure what they consider to be my failures in my life to decide how strong MY magic is. REALLY? yes really.......there is nothing that is ever hidden in the online world for long, people talk. These are the reasons I am so choosy about who I associate with, I do not share anyone on Witch's Chamber that I do not believe in, that I do not like their product or their energy, and trust me when I tell you I take flack for that. There are those that do not like this, those that have tried to control what I do on my own page, through threats of hurting the page, spreading more vileness or even have openly started stupid ass witch wars that I refuse to participate in. I REFUSE to be coerced into supporting anyone I do not believe in simply for MORE exposure! you either like me and my art or not! I will not pretend to be more than I am and will most certainly NOT pretend to be LESS! Most people who walk in our community know that these things happen, they realize that someone is always trying to gain the upper hand by underhanded methods, magic is a wonderful thing but it is an energy that will work in the way the practitioner asks of it, and trust me not all you meet work with it in a positive manner that benefits all those they touch, for that matter I am also a witch that will work freely both in the light and for lack of a better word dark, in balance, always in balance.

My life is hard enough with all the challenges I face daily I have no time, patience or desire to deal with all the bullshit that comes associated with these plastics. Today marks a year for me of standing up and reclaiming my independence and my strength, it marks a year of telling myself that I am better than that and I deserve better. I have worked hard all year and run into more of the plastics from which I ran away from very quickly! they are still out there but my antennae are finally back fully in line and working so I listen to my messengers much better now. I live authentically within my magic and mundane life and combine the two without division. My magic is who I am, it lives and breathes with me and provides my faith for the life I am building, the dreams I have for my little business is that it will become easier to care for my family with my sales, my book that I am still working on, taking my art much further with wire and gems, my point being I have dreams and I finally ~even without that plateau my dad provided~ I am finally able to put in the time and dedication that I needed to all these years to being me, living authentically and magically.......I am able to do that because I finally realize that it was probably the most important thing I could have done for myself my entire life.

I am able to do this not because I have had some amazing windfall, the money came through or I suddenly have no other obligations that I CAN put first, no all of those things remain the same, money is non existent! especially this week after home repairs!, I still have 6 kids to think of and one full time to care for, I still have a husband that requires time and caring especially now that he is semi retired, all those obligations and responsibilities that I love are still present BUT now I realize that unless I do that for myself I can never truly be happy within......

I guess I can say I found the happy spot inside of me, and it was ME all along! Imagine that!

20 October 2014

If you have been following along on my Facebook page then you know that I have been in a great big old flare for a bit now, and this led me to ask myself what does Fibromyalgia look like for you? I have become so accustomed to the realities of living with this condition that I sometimes forget that those around me have no idea what I am going through.

Many of you know that for the longest time I was losing weight and feeling great, getting stronger daily, but like anything else in life the moment of the turning of the wheel had to come for me so I crashed and hard, so I have been over here for about two months now flaring it up. So what does fibro look for me? well the swelling has taken that weight loss and basically made it completely irrelevant because I suddenly appear about 8.5 months pregnant, with all the lovely things that come with that condition, minus of course the bundle of joy at the end of the suffering. There is also the rash that has made itself a permanent fixture now on the side of my face and along my chest, the SLE trying to push it's way through, so far I think I am still winning that battle, will keep ya updated in future blogs! oh and my feet! oh my they burn, so badly that keeps my mind off the aches and pains in my joints and my head that has joined in the swelling making it even painful to put on my glasses due to the pressure....and yet I am sitting here writing this, could it really be so bad you may ask.....I will tell you it is, it is horrible and YES I am here writing it, fighting back the nausea that has plagued me all day.

Why? because it needs to be talked about, it needs to be discussed until everyone everywhere understands what this disease is, how it can instantly rob you of your freedom to enjoy your life, where you may have thought you had a choice fibro has suddenly taken it away, or at least tried to. I am not such a good patient, just cannot sit still for long periods of time, so although I know I should be sleeping, getting lots of rest and avoiding any kind of issues or anything too taxing right now, ask me if I can do it? well hell no.....my idea of bed rest is getting up every hour or two if I can make it that long and then wander into the kitchen to start dinner, or sweep the house, laundry and yes there have been instances of walking barefoot in the rain, dancing has even been seen in the mists.......physically I might feel like utter crap but my mental, emotional and spiritual self is doing ok! more than ok in some ways.....making plans for Witch's Chamber, moving forward with new pieces and breaking new ground with new business connections, so many things to come......so as I sit here and of course my feet must remind me ever so painfully about the fact that the flare is still here, I continue to write, I continue to dream.

I count myself as one of the lucky ones when it comes to fibro, only in the early days of my condition now almost 30 yrs ago, did I ever really experience the brain fogs as I called them then. People had no idea what I was talking about when I would try to explain to them that suddenly it was a moment of confusion, and I would search desperately for a voice or face that I knew; that I trusted, someone that was familiar....I remember those moments they were terrifying, they thankfully have not happened for a very long time, now it is more of a physical suffering for me, and that well that I can take.....my mind takes me to all the places I wish I could go to even when my body won't cooperate, dreams are easy though they don't require any more participation than your thoughts, wishes and sometimes the added energy of a very rambunctious 4 almost 5 year old captain and the seas are always available for us to sail our Pirate bed ooops sorry ship into the great beyond!

This is what this disease does to me, this is what fibro looks like for me and how I cope.....what do you cope with? how do you deal with it?

18 October 2014

Ok so I have now been sat here since 8 am, I have started two blogs both with issues and discussions that I think are important and yet somehow they are just not right and what I want to say apparently, because neither one of them has been finished, the thoughts just stop after I express the first part of what it is that I think I want to write about and then boom nothing.....so I guess no matter how hard I try I won't be able to write until I handle this little bit of thing that is hanging on for dear life. Thing you say? yes this thing, this get my face and myself out of the limelight thing, this I do not wish to be in the front lines thing. I have tried all my life not to be seen, to blend into the shadows where I felt comfortable but yet somehow I always seem to peek a little toe out, a little look around and I start to navigate away from troubled waters to find my own calm pool of Spirit and suddenly I look around and there are a whole bunch of others there with me!

I love you all but you must understand I am not a trained witch in the forms of witchcraft that are popular, I am just an old witch that has her own way of doing things, yes I have books and I love certain ones but they were never a part of the witch in me, they are a result of the witch in me wanting something to read that was interesting to me......much of what I do I do because I listen to my intuition, the gentle winds that guide me to where I am supposed to be and ultimately my faith in the Gods, and that is right I said Gods. I do not only follow Goddess but both God and Goddess in balance, and I use these words because there really is a lack of words to express the energy of Divinity....God is not a name, it is a title, just like witch is not my name but it is a title I hold proudly, I earned it through generations of my soul's hard work. I am pretty sure that first witch all those centuries ago didn't have a nifty book to follow but yet she ~or maybe he~ found their way through, didn't they? such a touchy subject with all them big egos out there.

So here comes the dilemma I have been grappling with for some time now, well since right after the last blog and a certain experience I had, and in reality a whole lot longer than that, it happens to be a recurring theme in my life, because of the lack of a positive mother/daughter connection in my childhood the situation keeps manifesting itself again and again with new women, spiritual women, healers, witches and well just about any woman that is in my life and tries to assume a role of mothering. I cannot really blame them, I seem to fulfil a need for these women who require a somewhat student as they see me I guess, I assume that role of blending into the shadows well in those situations, from years of hiding my gifts to stay "safe" I go back to doing the same thing with them.......I assume a secondary almost wide eyed subordinate role, they do not actually do it to me I just literally walk into that role because it suits me, you see this is where I feel unobstructed to observe and pay attention to the likelihood of being hurt, abused, taken for granted, lied to yada yada I guess you kinda get the jist of it.......these are roles I never take with anyone that truly knows me in the mundane would EVER expect me to take, but it is simply a replay on my oldest lesson in witchcraft of standing in my own power, my own energy and shrinking away to make others more comfortable, somehow safer because they feel superior......THAT IS what has been stuck in my craw! Yes I do that, willingly. YES I am not doing that anymore.

Recently I lived through an experience that brought this home to me finally for the last time, thankfully from the oddest place I ever expected to hear words that could impact that lesson of all lessons, well I finally heard the words uttered on Criminal Minds that were like the hammer that cracked that last final hard shell and let it all spill out.....in moments I sat and watched connections form in my heart from one moment to another, from one experience to another as the aha spread like wildfire through a dry brush......here it is of course so out of context to what was happening on the show but the reality of the simple beauty of what he said for me is just still so there in this little tidbit.......Dr. Spencer Reid: You think this is about my *profiling skills*? Jennifer, listen: the only reason you were able to manage my perceptions is because I *trusted* you! ~ http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0024259/quotes
Now how brilliant is that! no I am not a profiler! although I really wish I had known that even existed when I was younger and who knows! but ok back to this, the truth is I have a gift and always have, I have prophetic dreams, I see things, I am a witch in all things that matter to me, my path is eclectic and different and really wholly mine......I have developed myself and learnt much from many along the way there is not just one person, or one mentor and I thank all those......but those words well they set me free, from the words of doubt that have remained from the ones I trusted, wondering so many times how my perceptions could have been so wrong, how could I have been so duped, never realizing that the truth was I stopped watching when I trusted and I did that because I took the back seat and let myself appear to be weak, afraid or timid in some way, uneducated or who the hell knows anymore, I don't care reality is I need to change that. The most recent experience of being confronted by this turned into a huge flare, because on top of all the mundane crap, spiritual bullshit was the last thing I wanted to deal with, so when suddenly I was advised of a coming witch hunt/attack on me I was suddenly back in that state of what do I do? a preemptive strike? a wait and see? or a let's just slink back into the shadows, or do I just trust my own feelings on this and carry on.........can you now see what I have been warring with all this time? the most fundamental question and lesson for me? Am I finally ready to stand in my own power and not fear what others may or may not poke holes at?

I'm here aren't I? Witch's Chamber is mine, it is my Chamber where I gather with those that wish to be a part of my circle, not because they have to be but because they want to be. I won't stand in anyone's shadow, and I have a pretty firm grip on mine.....witch attacks and wars, don't get me wrong I know they happen and they exist, I also know this last bit was more about managing my perceptions than anything else......I am proud and happy with who I am; all facets, I realized this week when I called out to the Gods and they swiftly answered all my needs that my trinity; and all I believe in, what has made me choose this path and kept me company all along has been my faith, the Gods and my magic......

I am a Witch that knows the road is always ahead, the past is worth remembering but not dragging around with you and the future well, just keep going cause it will be exactly what it is meant to be.......besides who EVER said the path of witch was easy?

24 August 2014

We have all watched those movies, the rags to riches things, where someone works really hard and then suddenly the big break comes and they are recognized and doors open, their troubles are over, suddenly they have all the money they ever needed and a new life filled with possibilities and joy, sadly we do not live in the movies though, the true reality of poverty is much darker and harder than that. What those movies leave out or I should say squish into their 90 minute run is the amount of time it actually took those people to make it out of that big black hole that literally sucks you in.

POVERTY such a simple word that packs so much punch, a state of being that slowly strips everything and almost everyone from your existence.....things like patience, strength, faith, belief and even love take such a huge hit from this state, they get degraded, pushed down, tested and many times shattered by the realities of it all. When you live in this state for a prolonged stretch of time it will completely change the way you view others and life itself, and for most of us once you sink into the state there is no easy way out, it is a required long haul. I have seen many people try to pull themselves out, me included only to have something else drop and push them down further, always brings to mind the song Crabs in a Bucket, they stretch, claw and climb for their freedom only to fall back down to the bottom. When you are poor every ripple is a huge issue to sort, cope with and get over, it is not a simple well shift it from here to there, no it is a desperate rush to figure out how to cover the new thing, the current issue and of course it always comes with phone calls to others that you may have promised to pay, those calls are never nice, they are always soul crushing, humiliating to a certain degree and of course they always remind you of how you have missed your commitment to them......here is the thing for me, when I am doing this it is not because I do not want to pay you, it is not that I necessarily want you to belittle me, tell me how terrible I am or how I have let the big utility company down, nope that is not why I am selfishly holding on to the funds so I can go have a party. NO I want to pay you, but I also want to keep food on the table, a roof over my kids heads, the ability to make another dollar tomorrow so I can keep paying YOU! and the medications that my family needs, I do not even think of my own medications, needs or wants in any of this, it is all about meeting those commitments that sadly don't take into account anything that is happening in your life, it is all about the money.

I sometimes wonder what people who have never experienced this really think of those of us that live in the state of poverty.....I really do not think that anyone ever gets up one day and says well today I think I want to be poor! yea! that is what I want to do with my life, I want to know what it is like to live in constant fear of disconnections, lack, and anxiety over everyday little things, yes this was the dream of how I wanted to live my life. Of course as I was growing up it was what I dreamt of, going without to make sure the kids had what they need, I love the idea that my clothes are either gifted to me or I bought them so long ago I could read a book clearly through the fabric now because it is so thin and holey, these of course were my inspirations and my motivations to want to be poor......come on now, while I embrace the experience and love my life regardless of its monetary state, I would not wish this existence on my worst enemy.....poverty can break your very soul, for those that have not lived it, I wish you never do, for those that live it I send you strength, love and lots and lots of support, I am there with you it is hard, everything even getting a job requires money something most people never realize.....when you have children, health issues or in like in my case your own serious health issues, children with their own serious health issues and a few other things added to the mix conventional jobs are just impossible options.

Then we come to things like enjoying yourself, going out, doing things that cost money these options are not available, and everything costs, it does not matter if you think simply going to the beach is a non cost event, you are wrong, how about the fuel and the vehicle? not to mention the fee for actually going into the beach? We make do, we have fun here and have been known to pack up a lite lunch and picnic on our back lawn the boy and I as we watch the butterflies and bees play in the lawn, wonderful moment right? yes it was for us, but yet we have those that have come to our home and told us we don't have a life because we don't go anywhere, we don't travel what kind of life can that be? a simple one, but we find our happiness, the fact that when we say to these people these are not expenses we can afford, we prefer to keep food on the table, instead of understanding they shake their heads and judge......that's the difference between living in poverty and looking in from the outside.

This summer I worked really hard, I tried as hard as I could to make enough to go to one event, one very special time that I promised I would be at, but that beast poverty well it knew better, so even though I worked hard and I got as far as buying the ticket, I had to admit to myself on Friday that I would not be there......although those around me wanted to keep up hope for me it was time to say ok well there is next year, as disappointing as it is to know I won't be able to make it there, I feel a slight bit of victory in that at least this year I got one step closer I actually got a ticket! it may seem silly but that is how I cope with it all, I claim the small victories so that the big black hole of poverty won't suck my heart in again........I bend my wire, I create and I keep going clawing my way up that bucket, only thing I won't do is push others back into the bottom.....guess my way out could have been quicker if I wasn't trying pull others out with me, but hell then I wouldn't be me....I take gratitude for the little things in life, they make up a much greater and important whole for me now more than ever.

Let me finish off this very difficult post with a little bit of how I handle the disappointments, the moments of poverty that are just so overwhelming I think of the simple things that are just so beautiful......the moment my husband surprised me with a light bulb that had been taken apart so I could make my own witch's ball, the fact that I left him to do the grocery shopping while I finished something came back and realized he had bought olives, so simple right? not really he hates them, we usually can't afford them either but he wanted something nice for me that I love so he got them, when I looked at the little tub I must have looked confused, he asked me what he did wrong lol! I said well there is no black olives? he answered me with well yes I have never seen you eat them so I figured you didn't like them......I just smiled, he gets me, he knows, even something he doesn't even care for or can stand the smell of but yet he knows I don't like the black ones......later on Friday I sat quietly in the living room wrapping my wire, creating pieces for old friends listening to him and the 3 kids in the kitchen, he was making omelets for dinner for each of us, the chatter was lighthearted and loving, there were giggles and jokes and cries of MOM! Dad is bugging me accompanied by uncontrollable laughter......so tell me why do I need to go anywhere to have a life? I think even in poverty we have a pretty damn good one and who knows maybe someday Madonna will come calling for that special piece of wire wrapped jewelry and this crab will finally fly out of the bucket pulling everyone that was in there with her out too! lol! dreams! an old friend used to tell the hubby and I all the time, what's the point of dreams if you don't dream big?

So! Dream big! love large! be kind! and try to understand and not judge, nothing is as simple as it seems, remember to add the humanity back into your life, and the lives of others when you can, the rewards are plentiful even if they are not quantitative they are qualitative.

14 August 2014

I had a bad day yesterday, nothing horrible, no big disasters or triggering events brought it on, just a bad day, the stresses and pressures of the current movements of our lives finally got to be too much for me......so I did what I do best, I bent wire, shut my mind off and just let the energies work through me, as usual the beauty that was produced through my hands and heart connection amazed me.

My wire, the bends and the gems, the stones and the pearls....all of it is my form of meditation, how I handle the stresses in this life and they are MANY! On a regular basis the amount of situations, health concerns and other things I juggle is daunting at the best of times, yesterday was not one of the best of times. I bent wire, I crafted pieces of beauty as I processed all the words that have flown around me, I looked and handled images of Mother as I let her fill me with her energy. The burdens don't change when I do that, they don't go away but their pressure lightens, the ability to breathe becomes easier. To some what I am discussing is uncomfortable, others will find the need to classify this into one thing or another, for me it is simply me being human.

We all have days, moments and other things that sometimes just make the day into one of "those" days, we all know what that means when we hear the term.....for some of us we walk quickly the other or scroll past, there still in this day and age seems to be a stigma associated with people having a bad day, or admitting it I should say, it makes people feel uncomfortable and uneasy so they then apply labels.....some worse than others, some more accurate than others as well and in the worst cases people like me get labeled as drama queens if we admit that things may be difficult that particular day, and we need to discuss this or seek out support. Another one of those reasons I think that the thought of spirituality has been lost in our need to make life so ordered and organized.......removing what is perceived as ugly, distasteful or otherwise seen as weakness. This is such a wrong concept in my eyes, and I stress that in my eyes, by no means am I professionally trained on what all of it means to do this, but I am human and from where I am sitting I find it extremely sad that other humans would rather hide behind the walls they create than reach out to help someone that may just need an encouraging word, a show of affection or even just someone to listen. Why do we turn away? is it our own lack of understanding? is it that we think we are somehow superior because we can keep our mini moments or breakdowns from the public eye? does that make someone feel better? the fact that they can put on a mask and not let their own humanity show? for me it doesn't it just makes it more disturbing, how do they ever really know what they are feeling? do they even know how to support someone that may need it? or would they just walk away deeming it too messy to help another human soul?

I sort through all my feelings as I am bending that wire, my emotions with each turn and twist put in place in my heart and mind how I feel about everything. This week I felt great sadness when I heard of the death of Robin Williams.......I wondered how bad his bad day must of been for him to take his own life....I lit a candle for his spirit and a prayer for his soul, and I let the tears fall for the sadness of him dying alone, for how alone must he have felt to do what he did. Then I read the sheriff's report, that created even a deeper state of sadness in me, his wife thought he was still asleep in the morning when she left the home.....she didn't even know anything was wrong.......I sat here at this computer and let the reality of that statement sink in, as I looked at my husband I wondered how anyone could not know that their husband was not just sleeping, especially considering how he was found. I don't understand, and I refuse to judge but the sadness of how bad his day must of been to get to that stage still had its impact and that last detail is one I will never forget.....so I bent wire.....and I processed.....and Mother led me through.

Hug those you love a little closer, when someone has a bad day don't walk away because it makes you uncomfortable, get in there, hold them up, offer to listen, to care, to love.....get uncomfortable, get human and for all the God's sakes get real.......we are all here trying to live a life that at times can destroy us, STOP labelling people! just help them and if you can't help them don't hurt them! Don't gossip and whisper in the virtual halls about who is having what breakdown, who is creating drama and who is not worth talking to.....realize if you are doing that then really it is you that is the problem, not the ones you point and snicker at........the problem lies not in the reality of the human condition it lies in the reality of the human desensitisation that we are all living in. Stop and be honest with yourself, you may not like what you see but if you don't then the Universe in it's infinite wisdom will show you the lesson up close, because in reality everything in life is a cycle, as one friend so nicely pointed out to me the other day, what you send out is what comes back over and over.......we should all think of that when we see someone struggle under the weight of their burdens, don't walk away, bend down and offer a hand up.....be human.....be real, you never know what life you may save.....take the time to notice.

I wish for you all that you find the way through, that you have like me a way to process and cope with the world and what it can do to us......I wish for you all the miracles that being human can actually be.....much love to you all.

10 August 2014

Over the last while even though I have a new to me computer to use, I have resisted writing.....there were many times I started to write but then the words would dry up....just stalling in my mind and heart and I kept trying to push through but no that block was there for some time and it would not move! I gave in and started to observe the world I was moving in, the interactions I was having daily......the ones I wasn't having where more disturbing.....

Empaths we are a strange breed, we can feel those around us, those that are close and even those that are far........for me I am like a receptor for energy, I literally feel what is sent my way and for the last while I felt disappointed in humans. A truly palpable feeling of disappointment in the world, not a depressive condition, nothing majorly grave either just a general disappointment in humans.....the more I watched the more I saw it, so I bent wire and played with my shells.....I let Yemaya guide me, and show me the way through to the other side.

Reality is being spiritually awakened is no more than a term we all use, before everyone gets all uppity over that statement hear me out.....the term has been way over used. I have watched people that claim to be attack others, write long ass blogs about how you have to pick your sides complete with long stories with someone else's moral attached when in reality those that walk a spiritual path realize there are no sides, no borders or boundaries that separate us all from each other. Energy workers understand this simple fact, we are ALL connected even when you don't like it, it is the reality of living on this planet we call home, and any small amount of spirituality when gained opens our eyes to this fact. This is the reason that someone like me or other empaths are so disappointed at times, because we feel the degree of separation that is the result of ego that courses through the veins of some that profess to be so very evolved, elevated, or otherwise spiritually awakened. Sad, very sad that at this stage of the game this has become a term that many hide their masks behind, while choosing to ride in cliques on their virtual brooms playing childish games of loyalty and coercion. Nana Nana boobooo you can't be my friend if you are friends with her! oh goodness that so smacks of spirituality doesn't it?

What happened to people? when did we all degenerate back to high school and grade school? I ask this quite often. I have realized that things don't really change when we leave those places, no instead we all just grow up and socially we create the same situations again in our adult lives. I was the one that sat back, did not join any group, did not choose sides and still will not. I don't do that because I value one more over the other, or for any other sinister reason, I do that simply because each side believes in their own story, their reality, their truth. Their perspective to them is all that counts. I do not judge anyone's truth I simply try to understand and walk in their shoes albeit metaphorically, I try to see with their eyes, feel with their hearts.....and of course that lead me to the point of where this blog started disappointed........

Then the Moon rose last night and I was up at 3am to watch her in her beauty and gleaming ever so bright, and I sat quietly and let that wisdom flow over me, the knowing beams that filtered down and illuminated the dark. Yemaya and the Moon, the moment and the chill of the morning, and then the words of those close to me......sometimes the Divine chooses to deliver a message when you are least expecting it.......there is no coercion in this statement; the like minded search each other out. How damn simple is that!!

I search out like minded individuals in every moment of my life, sometimes successfully ~ sometimes not so much as the Nana Nana booboo ones can attest to ~ I do this because in those moments when my very real and clear existence as a human interferes with my spiritual growth, they remind me of this. When I get lost in the illusion and refuse to see the truth, they gently guide me to where I can. They do not judge, they simply try to elevate, guide and love me, those are the people I surround myself with, not because life is perfect but because life is completely imperfect......life will always surprise us with moments of ugly, distasteful or painful situations, being spiritually aware or awakened will not change that, it will simply change how you handle the experience, and when you have a very real moment and falter in that knowledge and strength, when you are really lucky your spiritual cavalry comes to the rescue to get you back up on that horse......and that is the reason that I do not use ego driven coercion to keep others by my side and shroud it in some misguided spiritual lesson, I wonder sometimes how many are lost in that thought, that very manipulative and misguided lesson. I do not ask for loyalty, I ask for truth, when there is truth there is no reason or need to ask for loyalty as there is no reason to fear the lack of it.......my cavalry is not there because I profess to be a Super Witch, quite the opposite they are there for me because I admit my humanity and revel in it, and in the knowledge that I DO NOT know everything, I am simply a seeker like them, learning to walk this path in my own truth, adjusting my perspective every so often because I realize that there can only be true growth when we are honest with ourselves no matter how hard it is, and that means that what you see changes as your tunnel vision of me me me is lost........my cavalry rocks! just in case they were in doubt at all!

So these are the words the Moon in her glory brought out in me, clarity of thought and emotional alignment for a clearer path forward. Blessings to you all on this day! are you going to take some time to figure out what your words and thoughts are for today? and for me now back to my wire and the bending that I so love!

30 July 2014

The walls are white that crisp almost blue kinda white, as if you have become lost in the deepest parts of the snow, as her mind drifts back to the snow.....the walk the time and the circle come back to remind her......

Snow purest of white, bare feet,

cold, so cold it is hot

Whites that are blue

Colds that are hot

Moments that are lost

Here in this space and in this time the circle is cast

the chanting begins;

Air is light

light is dark

dark is night

within the walls of white

I call to thee

oh Mighty one please;

do what is right

and win the fight

My blood is pure

the answer is the path

healing in ancestral realms is the cure

With each step a decade is cleared

with each moment that passes there is less to be feared

As darkness falls; Mother calls

Ride your wave my child

wild and free

your heart belongs to me

Your wish I grant

To cause no harm nor return on me

As you so wish I so mote it be

In the walls of white, the spell is cast, what has been called cannot be broken.

28 July 2014

Bullshit! I remember singing this as a child, when I was being taunted in the school yard, truth was it was never easy for me in my life....but this isn't a poor me kind of post.

Words hurt, they wound, they make you bleed in places that others cannot see. Words take lives, everyday, wars are created and fought over words in a book, this book or that book......words that lay claim on this piece of land or that one, even the one you may live on.....everyday someone in the USA pledges allegiance to their flag don't they? and what do they do this with if not words? The child that sits in the corner crying as the words of their abuser rain above them, do you think those words have not hurt them? The man that sits and berates his wife and children are those words not cutting to the quick? When our mouths open and the words spill out with them goes magic, intention, weight, responsibility, pain, anger, love, and so on and so on, not once does the mouth open and words spill out that they do not carry an emotion, a thought or even at times their own spear.......you tell me how that universal rhyme could be true?

How many of us remember the physical wounds of childhood? for me I remember a twisted ankle more because of the words that were uttered at the thought of taking me for care, I remember the stitches I needed on my leg more because of the words the doctor used to describe the bone it exposed, I never did see the bone......I remember years of crying, of being a sensitive soul ~ to borrow a term from my sister EagleSpirit ~ I was so misunderstood, when I was a child I felt everyone around me, it confused and terrified me, which I am sure is how it is for many empathic children and I was told to stop being so damn sensitive, to grow a thicker skin, learn to deal with the words others used to communicate....I thought there was something wrong with me then, and I realize today as I sit here and finally write this up, I blamed myself all these years for those around me that chose their words with spears rather than love. NO MORE! I never realized that for years, I fought that and carried the wounds that their words inflicted on my very soul.

I am an empath, a medium and a witch that will never change, and I am comfortable in my own skin and those wounds from the words yes they are still there, I will spend the rest of my life healing the child that was damaged by the words around her, BUT I will do it because with my words come responsibility, love, compassion, healing and yes did I say it yet?! MORE love......I will not change my method of communication, I will NOT grow a thicker skin! my skin is my skin and I am more than happy in it! I will not accept words that come with daggers, you all can leave that shit at your own door I am quite a competent witch and have guards to take care of those crappy things you send, think and say.....I am no longer that child now I have taken a position of mothering that inner child of mine, the one thing that I learned to do in this life through my own blood sweat and tears, TONS of them! have you ever seen me defend one of my children? there is nothing I won't do and no one I won't take on, my mama Bear claws are long and hefty, and now I understand why Bear has been calling so strongly and damn am I ready!

Words....they hold power, they cast spells, they wind lives and make or destroy lives.....words that's right simple words...........

Sticks and stones will break my bones

but words will never hurt me

Bullshit!

Remember to use them well, speak only the words out of your mouth that are dripped in honey or risk being forced to swallow those soaked in vinegar.......

17 June 2014

In the intoxication of youth we follow our brains thinking
they are leading us, age creeps up on our heart and shows us where we missed,
didn't see and lost what mattered most......if only when we were young we
thought with our hearts, but we were made logical and lost parts of ourselves
to create the other, we interfere, we do not hear the subtle cues of the
Universe as it guides us sometimes gently sometimes not so much away from that
which should not be in our lives, instead of hearing we push, climb and claw
and do it anyway and when it fails we blame our hearts never realizing what we
were listening to in actuality was our BRAINS!

Do not let your brain fool you into ignoring your heart, and
blaming it for your own ego that leads your brain, for only when we listen to
our hearts are we honoring the truth of existence and connectedness....the
truth of Spirit

12 June 2014

As the green fills in around us our piece of pie takes on a bit of a remote feel, and out in the woods kind of thing, that even though we know is not the case physically it never makes anyone that comes here ever feel any different, there is a kind of bubble around this place. Every spring I watch it happen, everyone else's trees flower first, their gardens splash out color and mine has barely broken ground.....every year I look at the old guy and say the same thing "is it possible it has all died?" It hasn't, no if anything each year they all come back stronger and fuller, and seem to last longer than anyone else's gardens........I have come to call this the bubble effect....and imagine how I chuckled not long ago when my friend came to visit, now mind she has been here a few times, says to me as she finally gets here after driving by us and says to me I just didn't see your house like it wasn't there till I passed it....she says strangest thing like a bubble, well at that point I just broke out laughing.....you see my friend is an energy worker and has done some wonderful work on me personally, she is a contemporary shaman and I can say I feel the amazing energy of the Divine work through her, at that moment for her to see and experience the bubble for me was just too wonderful......of course I had to explain what I found so amusing, so EagleSpirit, the boy and I walked around checking out how even my trees were behind that of the neighbours around us as far as blooming and flowering......isn't life with magic something wonderful?

You might wonder why I would consider this magical, or even consider this to be a possibility, so let me explain a bit. Quite some time ago I sat in a cold white room, was told some very distasteful news, some very break your damn heart, make you rethink everything in your life kinda news right......you get the picture I am sure.....well up until that moment I had lived on the fringe of magic, it had always been there, there had been lessons, teachings and moments, even crownings but still I had stayed on the fringes of it all and let things, material, egotistical and physical things control my life.......thing is when you look at yourself in moments like that well you end up really not liking what you see, life takes on new meanings and well all those years ago I jumped headlong into it, I didn't look, I didn't question I just went ok then let's do this! It didn't take too long I had given up my job, it was a 9- 5 clerical position with the city, it was a union job that paid well but well I wanted to let the gypsy in me out so I gave it up, I took my cards and went to find my niche, my path on the road to embracing the witch I had always been but only let out part-time. I soaked up experiences and knowledge faster than any sponge you have ever seen!

There was this one experience though that took my breath away.....I was going to a client's home for a tarot reading party and as I opened the back gate I was surrounded by butterflies, countless amounts just everywhere Monarchs, I was standing in a swarm of them, and the flitted and flapped around me I was just taken aback by the sheer magic of that moment, I would have to say for me it was the first magical moment with nature that I experienced fully in the moment. I did not have to wait to look back to appreciate that because the sheer beauty of the butterflies and the magnitude of the amount of them was not lost on me or anyone else that was watching, and there were quite a few......it was that moment, the defining moment that opened my eyes to the magic around me if only I could open my heart and allow my eyes to see. This weekend sitting at my little garden table, chatting with kids, I had just put my chalice on the table when a pretty yellow and black butterfly flitted over, she did not just fly through......no she made sure I knew she was there for me.....so she circled me, flew off a bit and came back and circled me again and again and flitted around me to which I thanked her for her dance and let her know I totally appreciated her love and she happily flitted away. My kids well they just take this in stride but the smile is still there, as was mine. I think that is when I realized the reason this life has not gotten the better of me, and why it never will.....I can still see the magic, my eyes still gleam in wonder and amazement.....even though I am almost half a century old, I still feel the wonder of the young child that looks at that firefly for the first time......I still smile and fall in love when they land at my feet......magic, the stuff of dreams, fairy tales and realities.

Butterflies, as you know, bring a message of transformation.....and I am so ready for that! She came to let me know that my decision, my petition to my Deity was being answered very clearly....it is time to take the next step and all things that need to be there for that step just fell into place......a special gown that I purchased almost 5 years ago, that did not fit me even then but I bought it anyway because I knew I was going to need it, just before I left on Saturday for my energetic alignment as I was walking by my dresser this piece just randomly had fallen out.......then during my alignment, the visitors and the messages that were delivered through EagleSpirit well they were further supportive messages to carry on forward.....I came back here and yesterday picked up that gown again, tried it on yesterday and it fits, quite well......I decided last night it was time to take that final step, so tonite as the moon grows full for me all paths converge. What was once fractured is now whole.

It has been a long road, a sometimes treacherous one, faith kept me stepping forward and magic brought all I needed, when I needed it......and in truth every moment has conspired to bring me to this point, this magical moment where I finally chose and walk surefooted into the future. What I am most thankful for? the fact that I still feel that rush of elation, gratitude, pure joy and happiness at the simplest moments of connection, from the butterfly to the simple and majestic beauty of the ocean.....even the simple clover that hangs on this home, that hung on my previous home.....it truly says it all and like the butterfly I will continue to flit through on the wings of magic and sending peace and grace to all those that come across my path.

Magic is everywhere, you just need to open your heart and allow yourself to see......it really was the absolute best thing I ever did for myself......are you ready to step off your cliff and live your magical life?

10 June 2014

There has been a lot of talk about what constitutes a good or bad pagan, there have been blogs, social media posts and I am sure some very heated discussions off the grid about this subject not just now but for years and years now....at least I know there has been around my table, but it struck me that in all these discussions the reality of what we were all discussing is how strong is your magic compared to mine....at the end of the day is this not what all this boils down to? Ego, and that led to me wanting to discuss what I call Witchism Myths, so grab that coffee and sit on down and let us look at the successful witch.....being ever mindful that the word success means so many different things to so many different witches.

1. Nothing bad ever happens in a witch's life, for s/he controls every aspect of their lives with a velvet covered iron fist. Nothing escapes a witch's watchful eye and they are always skating through life as if on a cloud of perfection.

Can you imagine the amount of energy it would take to do that? can you imagine for one moment the kind of life you would live if you tried to absolutely control every aspect of energy everywhere around you? this notion that nothing bad, distasteful or difficult ever happens in a Witch's life is just ridiculous. Of course bad things happen, of course life happens, a Witch does NOT control every bit of energy around them they ride the current of the energy.

Replace this with; As a Witch I am prepared for the energy as it comes, I am forewarned and aware, and while I do not control what may happen around me I do though control my reaction and what I send out into the world.

2. A successful witch is financially abundant. If you cannot show financial abundance as a Witch then you are not working your "magic" properly and must not be a real witch, for real witches never lack money.

Really? yes of course because witches through time have always been known to live in castles, wear only the finest of fabrics and have the best of ingredients of course imported for our spells.....not to say that there are not wealthy witches, there most definitely are but that is not the majority.

Easily replaced with; A witch knows that abundance comes and goes, its a flow of life and a cycle we all must live through. A witch does not measure the value of any living being based on money, friend or foe, for a witch knows money is simply a form of energy that must continue to flow and in this respect a witch never makes herself or himself an obstacle to the flow of energy. Besides as a witch, we understand that what we need always comes to us at the right moment, the challenge is to actually see it and that is only accomplished by silencing the Ego and allowing the Spirit to guide.

3. Witches are always full of love and light.

Errrrr.....let me choke on my coffee as I sputter at that one.....really? NO I am sorry to say to all those that believe that witchcraft is some religion that is about fairy's and unicorns....it really is not. Witchcraft is witchcraft, just as it says, it is witch's crafting what they need, want and desire in their lives and the lives of others. There are "good" witches, "bad" witches, light and dark.......witches are human beings, for every kind of human being out there there is a witch just like them......people need to realize just because someone calls themselves witch does not mean that you will find someone that is continually full of love and light and dancing on bubbles.......if you find one of those, well my advice? run, as fast as you can, as far as you can, because life is messy, things get messy and the ones that spout off about light and love and unicorn poop all the time, either don't see it or pretend it doesn't exist, neither is a good option.

Replace this one with: witches are human beings and as such have all the same days, moments and wishes as everyone else.

4. Witches always get along with each other, because of course they are more "evolved" than mere mortals, so they do not play childish games, act like they are in high school and try to destroy others for their own selfish reasons. Witches are above that.

Um.....see 1, 2 and 3! Witches are people, so yea the a na nana happens alot! too much, sometimes truthfully it becomes sickening. There was a time in my very naive existence that I thought being a witch meant those things; now well I think the label of Witch is applied too carefree and liberally at times, because what I see in some to me in no way resembles what Witch means to me.

AND my personal favorite;

5. All witches are Wiccans.

DOH! NO! Wicca is a religion, Witchcraft is not a religion. Witch is what you are, what religion you choose to pair that up with, well that is pretty much a very open field of choices, Wicca is only one of those possible ways.

Replace this one with; Ask that witch what path they follow rather than assuming they must be Wiccan.

Like these five examples there are so so many more, the reality is that even in our witch circles we have come to see that there are those that are forever measuring their success based on how much further they think they appear to be than their perceived competitors, do you ever stop to think that is the whole problem there? Truth is that if you spend all your time trying to figure out how much further you got ahead from the other witch then how much of the path you are walking is really about you? and your connection to your magic and how much is based on the love of competition, the satisfying of the ego and the perception of power?

For me being a witch is about living and breathing the magic, shit will always happen, its the way of life as I have said before and will say again, life is damn messy, but in each mess lies a lesson, a teaching experience a moment of clarity......maybe witches should spend more time figuring what those are for them rather than trying to run an imaginary race with those that they feel are not as witchy as them.

My advice......judge not, love yes, walk your path and do not tread on others to get where you are going for anything you build based on stepping on the souls of the ones you may encounter along the way will only come crashing down around you, for magic built on crushing souls for your own growth has a nasty way of backfiring, magic multiplies so what you send out you will get back. Look at my own life, yes bad things have happened, but in every instance of a distasteful moment there has always been a warning beforehand, a preparatory time where things materialize that I may not realize at the time what they are for but they always are there when I need them, and there has always always been a way through the obstacle for us, that is magic.

All I ever need comes to me when I need it.....and that is the truest statement of magic and being a Witch that I can ever speak.....and is the truest one any witch should ever believe....at least in my humble opinion.

Live your life and believe in magic, live it, breathe it and step it up, in the end YOUR magic is what will either save you or not, and for Witch's sake! stop! measuring yourselves and everyone else against someone else's imaginary egotistic ruler!

03 June 2014

I would really like to share with you all a little thing that happened to me, a while ago I started creating these pendants, well the first one was because of one customer that asked if I could do something like this for them, well I wholeheartedly agreed to do so in return for payment they were to provide me with a service. Well I created my piece, they provided the service, should have been the end of it right? well no, you see when it came time to receive what I sent they decided to say it never was delivered; the item was tracked, it showed delivery. So we waited a couple of days see if it had been erroneously delivered to the neighbors, nothing, they said they contacted their rural post office who seemed to know nothing about the items disappearance, so what do I do as the creator and shipper, well I create another and contact Canada Post to cover the loss of the item. Within a week I have the other piece shipped out and the next week I get an email from Canada Post, explaining to me the result of their investigation is that this package has been delivered correctly, to which I respond with no I have emails from this person that state otherwise, so they ask me for copies which I provide. Two days later I receive a call from Canada Post and the very nice lady tells me well we have contacted your customer and low and behold the item is now there! how shocking! it seems once the post office actually called them they admitted they had the item. Now they have two items and provided one service......which in the end turned out to be done with copyrighted material and had to be taken down.......now ask me if that person took responsibility? ask me if they were honest about their underhanded dealing with me? if they actually even admitted it? no of course not, they made a donation covering one of the items to something I was doing, then they quietly let themselves fade into the circle of people I had already left behind and then deleted themselves from my profile......no I am sorry, no nothing. The truth being it was all part of a game to make me look bad that her and her friends were playing. Just like high school but with adults. No honor, no morals, just underhanded behavior and games to hurt another woman, another human being.The worst part of it for me it was a woman......one who knows how hard life can be, one that knows how hard us small business' work to get somewhere and instead of admitting she played a game to help out her friend who wanted to hurt me no she just slithered away.

Does it amaze anyone else in this world that we as human beings find every possible reason to excuse our bad behavior? we come up with cute stories with morals we didn't follow, justifications hang wildly in the wind, flaunting to the world that like always we do not have to take responsibility for our bad actions, misdeeds or even our untrue words that we uttered, no we do not have to take any ownership of any of that because we can excuse by finding some obscure quote, proverb or group of words that makes us feel secure in our mistreatment of each other. It amazes me to no end. It amazes me even more when women do it to women. Is life as a woman in this world not hard enough already? I mean we constantly fight against oppression from men, from the system run by men and by patriarchy as a whole really and somewhere in there women fail to consistently realize that their constant competition rather than support of each other is what causes most of our problems in society. Will it ever stop? there was a time in my life that I held hope for that, I firmly believed probably rather naively that women had each other's backs at the end of the day, well I think I was 6 at the time, so I now can forgive myself for being that naive.

See here is the thing, never in my life have I ever acted like I was perfect, made no mistakes or was better than anyone, if anything ask people who have known me for years.....I am the first to admit to my shortcomings, my issues and my own mistakes, I take my damn lumps and learn, move on, keep going and take those lessons and translate them into things that work for me and for my own circle of family.....maybe it is this way of doing things that makes it so very difficult for me to understand the ones that don't. In truth no matter how eloquently you describe the shit you have done, misplace the blame and put it on someone else the truth is your shit still smells like, well, you know shit, and it stinks to high heaven the more you go on and on about it while still throwing it at others. I sometimes wonder if they ever realize that the more they keep stirring the pot the more they keep bringing their own dirt to the surface?

Even with social media you cannot hide forever, eventually even the virtual corners of the internet become small for all the misdeeds you keep creating, commenting on and perpetuating. My advice stop pointing fingers and throwing stones when your glass house is full of holes already and accumulating shit faster than you can shovel.

So now that I have let that all out! back to my life and the wonderful people in it, because anyone that is in it is because I have allowed them to be, I learnt a lot from that little foray into the world of insecure women in social media, I tightened my boundaries and my borders and now only those worthy of friendship, truth and loyalty are let in...women that hand each other the steps when one might have a problem finding them alone, women that support each other's right to be, to create, to grow, to learn, to educate and to be more than just a nameless faceless vagina, I surround myself with authentic women and men, authentic people that know that first we are human and we should act as such.....the truth is I do not have time in my already full life to deal with anything but genuine human beings.