When I were a boy, Mum would sent me down to t'corner store with 2 shillings, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes,two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. Ya' can't do that now. Too many bloody' security cameras."

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at aninvestment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man,"he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,she became his stepmother.

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer madeby Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.When you get home, lock your doors,draw the curtains and disconnect the phoneso you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in you r favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.Now, carefully place it on a table or a surfaceso that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department atJohnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

Amy made her way up to the pearly gates and was quite surprised to be ushered up ahead of quite a large crowd. Upon seeing St Peter she asked. "St Peter I can't believe I've lead what could be described as a virtuous life. Yet here am I ushered up to the gates while others wait. Please St Peter this is the kingdom of heaven don't tell me something so transient as fame could mean I've been treated better than these others?" St Peter replied " Worry not my child all your earthly concerns are behind you now" Amy "Thank you Saint Peter, what is the queue" Peter. " Aw were just a bit hard pressed for Norwegian Translators at the moment"

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire whilewe were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high schoolreunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging hisdrink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinkingright after we split up those many years ago, and I hear hehasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go oncelebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hintingto me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always hadsomething else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally shethought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tallgrass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewingscissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went intothe house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out againI handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting thegrass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made mylunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up theboat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrentialdownpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into thegarage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weatherwould be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped backinto bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a differentanticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe mystupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started..._______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcominganniversary.

I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she sked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the assport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response was “click”.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”

I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said, “But they look so close on the map.”

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while “I looked into it,” (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.

A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

A woman called to make reservations. “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York.” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. (This rule also applies to mixed drinks. Example: rum and diet coke) 1.When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if they eat more than you do. 2.When you eat with someone else, your calories don’t count if they eat more than you do. 3.Calories in food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Examples: hot chocolate, brandy and Sara Lee Cheesecake. 4.If you fatten everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 5.Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because everyone knows that movies aren’t real. 6.When preparing food, things licked off spoons and knives have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on a knife when making a sandwich; ice cream on a spoon when making a sundae; cake frosting. 7.Broken cookie pieces contain no fat. It leaks out. 8.Foods that are the the same color have the same number of calories, Examples: Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. (Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.) 9.Calories are a unit of heat. Therefore, frozen foods have no calories. Examples include ice cream, frozen pies and Popsicles. 10.Wild Card. Each dieter may add one rule that pertains to their particular, unique situation. For example: Pork Bar-B-Q has no fat or calories on all legal holidays in Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia.