Parents Know Best

Protect us from those well-meaning friends, teachers and therapists who think they know our children better than we do.

Remembers the moment in Fiddler on the Roof when the rabbi is asked if there is a blessing for the Czar? “May the Lord bless and keep the Czar – far away from us!” is the impassioned and clever rejoinder.

I would like to suggest a similar blessing for a very different situation. “May the Lord bless and keep far away from us all those ‘well-meaning’ friends, teachers, principals, doctors, neighbors, therapists who claim to know our children better than we do and then proceed to give them potentially destructive advice.”

Our children present a different picture outside of the home than they do inside. In general, that’s a good thing. The petty squabbling and the screaming fights, the jealousies and insecurities usually remain behind closed doors. That’s the way it should be. It’s usually a sign of healthy socialization. It demonstrates an appropriate sense of boundaries. It’s even reassuring to parents that everything is basically okay.

All children have some struggles with their parents and siblings. With the constant contact and sometimes conflicting needs, it’s inevitable. And home can be a safe place to work through issues and sometimes even let out frustrations. It’s a place of security and love.

Quite often their advice is based on a flawed picture of the child and the situation.

It also means that parents frequently see a side of their children that the rest of the world rarely, if ever, does. It means their teacher’s perspective is limited. It means their neighbor’s view is one-dimensional. It means the therapist only hears half the story, if that. And it means their advice is based on a flawed picture of the child and the situation.

Unfortunately that rarely stops these individuals from advising other people’s children (i.e. ours) to change schools, abandon their friends, end their romantic relationships, and ignore their parents’ wishes. All without a full appreciation of the consequences. All assuming that they know best. All under the illusion that they are better equipped than the parents to deal with the situation. All while knowing that they will not have to be the ones to pick up the pieces.

It’s incredible chutzpah. And I have heard a lot of stories lately…

A teacher told an acquaintance of mine that her daughter’s friends were a bad influence and proceeded to encourage the girl to end all contact with this crowd. Seeking her teacher’s approval, the daughter did so. Unfortunately the teacher’s advice was missing a few key points of understanding – a recognition of the limited options for this girl in her neighborhood and a prescription for a healthy way to fill the gap where her friends used to be. Into the vacuum walked a much worse crowd, one heavily involved with smoking, alcohol and drugs. The parents are beside themselves trying to deal with their new challenges, in a situation that could and should have been avoided. We know the teacher meant well but…

Another friend has a son who is struggling in school, trying but struggling. The parents were very supportive and he has tutors and other professionals helping ease his way. But the principal felt that the boy was a drain on their (very) limited resources and wanted him out. Without consulting the parents, they began to discuss an out-of-state school with the boy. The child was excited about the possible adventure and opportunity ahead but the parents were flabbergasted when they found out.

The school hadn’t asked to see the therapist’s recommendations, one of which was the boy should remain at home as long as possible. They hadn’t looked into the family’s financial situation to see if this school was a reasonable possibility. Now they have created additional tension in the boy’s family. He now feels his parents aren’t on his side because they won’t send him away and the parents are furious with the principal for his overreach.

In an even more egregious example, my friend’s son was about to get engaged. He was feeling very nervous about it (Yes, boys get nervous too!) and went to speak to one of his teachers. The boy was a bright, competent, young man and his anxiety seemed out of character. His teacher took it as a sign that there was something wrong with the match and suggested he break it off rather than go forward.

The parents were outraged. The teacher had only seen one aspect of their child. Only his parents and some of his siblings were witness to his expression at home of his fears and insecurities. In their view, his behavior was not out of character in the slightest. Luckily they prevailed (although not without a struggle) and their son is a happy, thriving father of five. He often tells his wife how grateful he is that he didn’t listen to that teacher! And his parents concur.

We need other people and other perspectives, but as parents, we also need to trust our instincts and our knowledge of our children. We also need to use these stories and our own experiences to shape how we address other parents.

Learning from these examples, we need to be so sensitive and so thoughtful. In fact, we basically need to keep our mouths shut. And if there is a situation where we feel unable to exercise that level of self-control, we need to pray that the Almighty gives us the wisdom to tread carefully and the words to be effective and kind.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 14

A lot of people thought my ex husband and I were a great match and he was a great guy. My dad clearly didn't like him and apparently my mom tried to like him because I did. Guess who was right?...

(11)
Devra,
May 30, 2012 12:29 PM

Can one only rely on intuition then?

While I support and applaud the tenor of Rebbetzin Braverman's remarks, I question the strong, firm stance of relying on parents' intuition and even experience, particularly when she mentions therapists. Why go to a therapist if the recommendations will be based on 'half the story, if that.'? And what if the child can connect and trust a teacher more than her parents? A teacher in such a position MUST be in communcation with the parents in most cases, but such a person can be a treasure for a troubled child.
Usually I quite appreciate Rebbetzin Braverman's articles, but this one left me troubled.

(10)
Anonymous,
May 24, 2012 11:46 PM

Agree..I am living through it

I understand entirely that only those from "within" can understand. I am having this problem with my "18" year old "legal" daughter and I would prefer privacy and loving opinions. However, we must be careful. I was an abused child and would never think to talk to strangers (teachers, therapists, family friends, etc) about the issue. Why? My parents "appeared" as the perfect parents and no one would "believe "me. So, we need to use intelligence and look at all sides.

(9)
Anonymous,
May 23, 2012 9:00 PM

To Rachel,
You mentioned you are a lawyer and you were shocked at how the principal meddled. Unfortunately this principal's behavior is not at all unique. This man saw a child who had low test scores and probably did not want those scores to skew the average scores of other students in his school. I hear stories like this all the time and it gets me very angry.

Rachel,
May 24, 2012 10:56 PM

Consulting professionals

It would make me angry too. My other point was that if one chooses to consult a professional, one should be able to expect that person will present options that are best for the person seeking advice. Attorneys have an ethical duty to do what's best for the client, doctors have an ethical duty to the patient, etc. Of course there are unethical or incompetent individuals in every profession. But in particular, people should certainly not go beyond their own realm of experience. It's one thing for a principal to say "your child's scores are low, we're concerned" and maybe even "this school is not the best place for your child." It's something else entirely to tell the child "you should transfer to a boarding schoo" -- even if the principal thinks that's the best option, he should most certainly discuss it first with the parents.
Incidentally, public schools in the US are required to attempt to teach every student. It is only as a last resort that school authorities will recommend other options because it is so much more costly.

(8)
Batsheva,
May 23, 2012 11:51 AM

always a flip side to every issue

While I do not disagree with your basic points, there are plenty of horror stories just like the ones you mentioned that are the diametrical opposite of what you described. sometimes parents can be too close to the issue the child is facing or too emotionally invested, and be blinded in ways an outside observer would not be. the key is appropriate and effective communication, which a lot of people are not very good at acheiving. It all comes down to prayer! May Hashem keep the poor and destructive, even if well meaning, advice far away from us and our children and surround us with the support systems that are ideal for us!

(7)
Anonymous,
May 23, 2012 6:27 AM

not all parents are created equal

While I agree with your article in general, I have to say that not all parents really know their children best. Some are blinded by various things - maybe their own expectations, or their own sense of priorities - which prevent them from really acting in the child's best interests, and sometimes a teacher or friend can recognize something in the child that the parent did not notice. In a perfect world, parents would perfectly raise their children, but parents are human, too, and some of them need help.

Sharon,
May 23, 2012 9:05 AM

My Thoughts Precisely

This article only presented one side of the coin.

(6)
Paladin,
May 22, 2012 7:25 PM

And also meddling relatives

This list should also include meddling relatives. My folks got divorced when I was 9 and my older sister, being "daddy's girl" constantly fought with my mom about it. She finally relented and sent her to visit him and he told her "you don't have to follow her rules once you turn 18".
When she was 17, she ran away from home. We had a well off Uncle who lived in a nearby city, and my Mom, who was frantic turned to him for help. He and his wife said they didn't know anything about my sisters whereabouts, but we found out years later she had been hiding in their upstairs closet while my Mom was downstairs crying her heart out to them. They too felt her rules were too tough on my sister. As soon as she turned 18 my sister finally contacted us and told my Mom she didn't have to follow her rules anymore. Shortly thereafter she got involved with a very bad but "hip" crowd, starter abusing drugs and alcohol, had a child out of wedlock, and eventually was stabbed to death by one of her new "friends". Ironically, a couple of days before she was killed, she called my Mom to say she was sorry and she wished she had listened to her instead the others who had advised her. Yes sometimes our well meaning "advice" can have far reaching consequences.

(5)
Nancy,
May 22, 2012 7:10 PM

mu daughter?

From the Rebetzin who claimed that my daughter didn't have to listen to me, to the therapist who introduced my daughter to all sorts of self destructive behavior,to the relatives who encourage that she is the victim and is not responsible for her addictions. This is a young lady who is so warm and talented if she only had the support and encouragement that I always gave her! Now in and out of every rehab she takes no responsibility for her actions and I hope and pray that H-Shem send a shaliach who will be able to bring her to love herself and become that wonderful person that she really is!

(4)
Rachel,
May 22, 2012 5:42 PM

who are these people?

I'm flabbergasted that any of these things would actually happen. Incidentally, I note that your examples are from schools -- and I can't imagine what kind of schools encourage the faculty to meddle this way with students. Even the principal who thought it was a bad fit should have spoken first to the parents.
I do think that there's a place for professionals to give professional advice -- I'm a lawyer but wouldn't dream of telling someone what to do medically; a teacher is the appropriate person to give educational advice -- but this overstepping is outrageous.

(3)
Anonymous,
May 22, 2012 5:03 PM

Please write another article.

I am asking to write another article. I really liked how you explained that children often show different aspects of themselves in different locales, but this article felt divisive and like teacher bashing. It made me sad. For every irresponsible teacher listed in the article, there are thousands who are responsible. Is there not a better way to frame this issue? Saying "good intentions" sounds more patronizing than sincere.

(2)
Miriam,
May 19, 2012 8:51 PM

teachers meddled with our daughters social life

In third grade a maternity-leave substitute pressured our daughter for being too locked in to her best friend. The class helped break them apart, and she didn't naturally fall in new friends. In fifth grade this teacher was moved to the older division and assigned her class, and as our daughter struggled in an unhealthy friendship triangle, the teacher encourage her to stick with them because "certainly these nice can't be doing those kinds of things" (her own children were preschoolers) and "friendships always have some ups and downs." So she went through months of abuse with no effort to find better friends for the entire year. Teachers shouldn't make friendship decisions for kids.

(1)
Anonymous,
May 16, 2012 5:50 PM

Re: The principal and the Child who was struggling academically. This principal violated the tenets of special Education law by ignoring the parents. He also opened up the school district to a possible lawsuit by this child's parents.