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Tuesday, January 28, 2014

I've fallen and I can't remove my penis.

So it is no secret that I am in my 40's and divorced. And it is no secret that while I have been sent dick pics from younger men and perhaps engaged in phone sex with younger men, I have never actually dated younger men. Let's clarify. Sure I have gone out with men that are younger than me, but only a year or two at most. The 20-something boy toy has never held any appeal for me. They may be young, virile and able to recover in a ridiculously short amount of time but they are still only 20-something. This means they are inexperienced, self involved and focused on the end game not the subtleties of the warm up. And they also speak. More importantly they are at a different stage of life that I have already lived.

But on my many dates with age appropriate men, I have seen a pattern when it comes to younger women. Most of the men have, at some time or another, dated a woman who could qualify in age as their daughter. And most of them, in fact almost all of them, profess to dislike dating younger women. They wax on about how it doesn't satisfy their needs. I call bullshit.

I recently lived this phenomena. A man I had been seeing (ok sleeping with on a regular basis and not much more) told me how he had no interest in younger women. He went on and on about how younger women were at a different period in their lives and he could not relate to them. All this was tempered by the fact that like most men, divorced and in their 40's and 50's, he came with baggage. It's hard to tell if his baggage started way back in middle school or was solely brought on by his marriage, but his deep seeded insecurity was tangible. His need to be in the 'popular' group of divorcees running around these parts was a huge turn off. His bragging about being in some inner circle of self-involved suburban Philadelphians was laughable. But his constant diatribe about older men dating younger women was the most amusing. Why? Because listening to this seemingly successful, pulled together man talk about his willingness to put up with crazy women, and relationships in order to remain in the good graces of the popular group, made it almost inevitable that he would end up in bed with a woman much younger than him. His insecure ego demanded it.

All these younger women have to do is bat their eyelashes at a slightly paunchy, insecure divorced man in his 40's and they come running. These men can't believe their luck. This attractive 20-something woman likes them. These men are unable to see past the tight bodies and perky boobs to what really is happening. The 20-something either has some serious Daddy issues, thinks the man is rich, or wants to be taken care of. Mostly it is probably all of the above. Eventually though, the 20-something wants more and the man, who probably has kids and a vasectomy, is thrown to the wind.

And here is where my story continues. Because the man I am talking about slipped and fell into a 20-something. And he wasn't man enough to tell me about it. But the world of dating in suburban Philadelphia is very small and word travels fast. So when I confronted him about this new conquest, his response was 'I wasn't with her when I was with you'. No, I am pretty sure you weren't, because I would have remembered that threesome. I cut communication, cause really who needs to deal with that, but as expected he did not go away. Days later I got an email from this man, saying he didn't want me to find out the way I did. I read it as "I really didn't want you to find out at all'. He then went on to say he really wanted to have 'meaningful contact' with me which I am guessing meant that he still wanted to have sex with me. No thanks.

And now, although he is still with this young nubile lady, he is actively looking for his next woman, age appropriate or not. I would like to tell this young naive woman that she is a short lived dalliance but I won't. She'll find out soon enough. Because rarely do these May/December relationships last. Eventually the 20-something wants marriage and a family and the 40's something wants retirement and Viagra. It's doomed. So when on a date with a man in his 40' or 50's who gabs on about his revulsion at dating a woman young enough to be his daughter, the correct response may be 'methinks thou dost protest too much'. Once they are divorced, many men see it as their right and duty to bed a younger woman, if not to stroke their own insecure ego but also to show off to their still married friends. It's a right of passage. So perhaps the plan is to ask, 'Have you already bedded your 20-something yet?' at the beginning of every date. Clarifying this may lead to a lot less hurt and heartache. This is my PSA to all the single ladies out there.