The Worst Sounds In The World: Part II

The man up top here might be hearing one of the worst sounds in the world. I think maybe a bee flew into his ear. Anyway, whatever is going on, he doesn’t seem too stoked about it. But the question is: are we talking about a Type I or a Type II sound here? A bee buzzing in your ear may very well be a Type I sound.

Remember how in Part I I talked about how I think the worst sounds in the world can be categorized into Type I (Neurological/Hardwired) and Type II (Situational/Generally Ominous)? And remember when I told you that Type I sounds fall somewhere in a specific range of frequencies? You don’t remember, do you? You didn’t even read Part I, did you? OK whatever. Go read Part I. I’ll wait here…

Type I sounds have frequency components ranging between 2000 and 5000 Hz. Right? And while you were refreshing your memory I found out that bee buzzing doesn’t go higher than about 1000 Hz. That’s 1000 wingbeats per seconds, which is a lot of wingbeats, even for a bee. So bee-buzzing can’t go on the list of Type I sounds. But I agree that hearing an angry bee buzz inside your ear canal isn’t all that great, so I’m putting it on the list of the worst Type II sounds. Meanwhile, here are the rest of my worst Type II sounds:

Driveway Crunch: This is not the name of a new kind of chocolate bar. It’s the hideous crunch you hear when you’re in a hurry and you back your new car out of the garage into another vehicle. Trust me, I know. I backed straight into the the driver’s side front bumper of my ancient Honda Civic, now being driven by a teenager who wasn’t supposed to be parked on the driveway in the first place, not that I’m bitter.

’99 Civic now referred to as “Hubert” by its current driver.

You can tell by the expert repair job just where my rear bumper impacted Hubert’s front bumper. (That tape used to be red, by the way.) The tape doesn’t seem to detract from the cred that the driver -whom I’ll call Andrew for the sake of argument-earns with his friends. Apparently it’s way cool to be able to drive stick these days. Anyway, like I said, Andrew wasn’t supposed to be parked on the driveway but in my defense, I think a bee or something flew into my ear just as I was backing out. Either way, I will never forget the sound of that crunch.

Cap’n Dave Swears Up A Blue Streak: This is the sound of a man I’ll call Dave swearing his head off as he hops around his back yard on one foot. This sound happens to have been triggered by another sound, which was the sound of a nail being driven laterally into Dave’s right pinkie toe, when he stepped on the air-nailer lying in the grass.

See that little thing sticking out of the side of “Dave’s” pinkie toe? I’m talking about the thing that looks like it could be the head of a nail.

Now I’m sure that there are a host of questions buzzing (!) around inside your head at this point. What’s an air-nailer? How in the heck did this happen? Is it in any way remotely possible, I mean just even a teensy little bit possible that this man is wearing a flip-flop? If so, why in heaven’s name would a man wear a flip-flop when he’s working with an air-nailer? Especially if he’s had about 40 years experience in the construction industry. Hypothetically.

Honestly, I don’t know what to tell you.

Actually, I do know what to tell you. This is a perfect segue into the next sound on my list.

The Next Sound On My List: This is the sound of a person you might be married to saying, “I told you to put on your work boots! Why in heaven’s name were you rushing around the back yard in your flip-flops, trying to nail those boards back on the fence before it rains?” This sound is also called: “I told you so.”

I hate that sound.

The “You’re an idiot” Sound:

Note: if you’re not from Ontario you can skip this sound. No one from outside of Ontario seems to know how to play Euchre.

If spades are trump, and this is your Euchre hand, you are laughing my friend.

Picture this: You’re playing Euchre (like watered down bridge but with fewer cards). You and your partner are down nine points to six. (The game goes to ten.) You’re dealing and the nine of spades is up. You hold the ten of spades and in desperation you pick up the nine, hoping that your partner has a hand something like the hand in the picture above. Why did you make it spades? With the nine and ten. You should never do that! Even a baby chimpanzee knows you should never do that. Anyway, spades are now trump. You say, “I’m going alone.” That’s even worse.

You’re probably an idiot.

Your partner Tim has no spades so when he hears your declaration, he immediately makes a distinct choking sound, indicating that you just blew the game. For the third time in a row. That choking sound is the “You are definitely an idiot” sound.

Ominous Mechanical Sound:

This sound can also be called the “You’re an even bigger idiot than I thought” sound. This sound is the sound that the motor in your treadmill desk makes when its bearings are giving out. Again. You heard this sound two years ago before you had to replace the original motor. It’s an ominous grating/rumbling sound, in case anyone asks.

It’s also the sound that makes you realize that you ignored the fact that after you replaced the original motor, your treadmill was still generating massive amounts of static electricity because you had been neglecting to keep the deck underneath the belt you walk on for 6-8 hours/day properly lubricated-which wrecked the bearings of the second motor. That was definitely a run-on sentence, but who cares at this point? In your defense, the people who sold you the treadmill in the first place neglected to mention that little detail about lubrication.

Still and all, you are at least a Class A Dunderhead.

Never throw away your stethoscope. Even if you’re a dunderhead.

Penultimate Bad Sound (#5 if you don’t count the bee):

This is the absolute worst sound in the world. I mean it. It’s the sound that your dog Mickey makes at 3 A.M. when he has what I’ll call a: “G.I. Event” beside your bed. In other words, he’s pooping on the carpet. Again. For about the fourth time. Why did you feed him those old Shitake mushrooms for supper? He nosed them suspiciously. That should have been your first clue.

I tried to tell you I didn’t like those mushrooms

Anyway, that sound means that you will spend the next three days applying every detergent/enzyme/powerful oxidant concoction in the known Universe to the stain in an attempt to remove it. If your carpet could talk, you know what it would be saying.