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is an unapologetic, bleeding-heart liberal who writes about everything from politics to private parts. A TV-writer in a former life, her credits include "Big Spender" for Animal Planet,and "A Child Too Many," "Cradle of Conspiracy" & "Deceived By Trust," for Lifetime

Thursday, May 13, 2010

This is my all-time favorite highway road sign. I smile every time I see it. If only everything in life was this simple. But instead we get useless drivel like “hindsight is 20/20.” Yeah, but you see, if I’ve already driven my life off the freakin’ cliff that’s not really very helpful now, is it. How about a little foresight once in a while, huh?

Why do we always have to crash and burn to learn our lessons in life? Human beings have notoriously bad judgment. We do really stupid things. All the time. We’re like those little wind-up toys that walk into walls. So why would a God who is supposed to be all-knowing ever consider giving us free will? Is God the ultimate punkster? I sometimes have a vision of Him sucking back on a bong and laughing His ass off, but only when I’m really pissed off about something that, in hindsight, I realize was a colossal clusterfuck which, with a little foresight, I could have avoided completely.

What about a simple handbook that grows with you in the womb and pops out with the placenta? Would that really be so much to ask? A personal guide to life which, if followed, would at least give you a fighting chance with warnings like:

“No man ever pulled out in time.”

“Your trailer park, like all others, will be in the path of a tornado.”

“Women with fat thighs should not wear mini-skirts. This goes for women over 50, too, unless you’re Tina Turner. Failure to heed will result in painful ridicule.”

Had I been able to read in my own personal handbook that on April 4th, 2006, a combination of new high-heels, too little food and copious amounts of tequila would result in a fall where I would break my neck, I might have modified my behavior that night. Maybe at least had some chips with all that tequila. Something. To those who would say, “Why sure, common sense would tell you that,” I repeat, because this cannot be stressed strongly enough, “Human beings have notoriously bad judgment.”

This is my all-time favorite highway road sign. I smile every time I see it. If only everything in life was this simple. But instead we get useless drivel like “hindsight is 20/20.” Yeah, but you see, if I’ve already driven my life off the freakin’ cliff that’s not really very helpful now, is it. How about a little foresight once in a while, huh?

Why do we always have to crash and burn to learn our lessons in life? Human beings have notoriously bad judgment. We do really stupid things. All the time. We’re like those little wind-up toys that walk into walls. So why would a God who is supposed to be all-knowing ever consider giving us free will? Is God the ultimate punkster? I sometimes have a vision of Him sucking back on a bong and laughing His ass off, but only when I’m really pissed off about something that, in hindsight, I realize was a colossal clusterfuck which, with a little foresight, I could have avoided completely.

What about a simple handbook that grows with you in the womb and pops out with the placenta? Would that really be so much to ask? A personal guide to life which, if followed, would at least give you a fighting chance with warnings like:

“No man ever pulled out in time.”

“Your trailer park, like all others, will be in the path of a tornado.”

“Women with fat thighs should not wear mini-skirts. This goes for women over 50, too, unless you’re Tina Turner. Failure to heed will result in painful ridicule.”

Had I been able to read in my own personal handbook that on April 4th, 2006, a combination of new high-heels, too little food and copious amounts of tequila would result in a fall where I would break my neck, I might have modified my behavior that night. Maybe at least had some chips with all that tequila. Something. To those who would say, “Why sure, common sense would tell you that,” I repeat, because this cannot be stressed strongly enough, “Human beings have notoriously bad judgment.”