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Season two, episode nine of The Mindy Project picked up where last week's left off. "Mindy Lahiri is a Racist" was directed by The Office creator Greg Daniels, Mindy Kaling's former boss, who expertly executed this complicated episode. The story starts with Morgan (played by Ike Barinholtz, who also co-wrote the episode) making amends for all the sexting from Mindy's phone last week. This acknowledges that Mindy's relationship with Clint the lawyer (Glenn Howerton, from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia) may be explored later, while allowing a completely different and unexpected plot to emerge. Schulman and Associates receives a positive internet review, but unfortunately it's on a White Power mommy blog.
Morgan is trying to clear the air, party boy Dr. Peter Prentice (Adam Pally) wants to get taken seriously, and everyone else is making a case that they aren't racist. The blog comes up innocently, sneaking up beneath jokes about Danny's feminine reading glasses. This made the reveal more surprising and funny, while subversively introducing the sensitive subject of race. It also shifts the narrative away from Mindy's romantic misadventures. Meanwhile Peter is asking Mindy to take him seriously, as she responds "I don't have time for your Borat impression."
Arriving at the issue of racism in a way that is so absurd allows The Mindy Project to address something delicate, and not deviate from the show's silly brand of chaos. This particular episode is packed with celebrity guest stars like Jenna Elfman. As a publicist, Elfman offers a lot as a straight-man and a sex partner for Danny. The racist mom blog even sparks a protest, led by a reappearance from the Duplass Brothers as the midwives who are the practice's competitors. When Mindy and Tamara are called on to make a statement, Mindy criticizes Tamara's boyfriend Ray-Ron (Josh Peck), causing a rift between the two.
Tamara joins forces with the midwives, but because Mindy is condescending, not racist. This calls back to the issue with Peter not being taken seriously. Danny then attempts to "change the conversation" only to mention his four black friends. Peter is set up to be the savior when Congressional candidate Tracy Whitfield, played by Larenz Tate, arrives. Peter claims to know the African-American politician, but after approaching he immediately retreats confusing him with another black guy. "Ok. That was very racist," Mindy concludes.
Mindy takes to addressing the crowd in one final attempt to defend the practice, calling on Peter's previously proposed mobile health clinic for women in need. This offers an olive branch to Whitfield while making Peter the expected hero in an unexpected way. In this effective episode, Mindy did what she does best: addressed a character flaw (she's condescending) while solving a broader problem. This allowed for both Peter and Tamara to show more depth and shot down criticism that Mindy only dates white guys. After all, she did go to second base with "Korean Justin."
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There are some actresses who start out their careers making compromises and showing more than they want to in order to become famous (let's face it: the industry can be pretty male-oriented). Then there are the actresses who are already famous, having starred in popular or critically-acclaimed movies, but decide to go topless anyway. Perhaps they equate nudity with an Oscar nomination, or maybe they just want to flaunt it while they can (these actresses do look like superhumans, after all). Either way, here are seven actresses who could have kept their clothes on, because going nude did absolutely nothing for their careers.
Kristen Stewart
Kristen Stewart is a household name. Besides the throngs of Twilight fans, she's been a Hollywood regular since playing Jodie Foster's daughter in Panic Room. After stepping out of her comfort zone to play Joan Jett and an action-hero version of Snow White, the world knew she was destined for great things. So it seemed completely unnecessary when she went topless in On the Road. This was arguably her most literary piece of work, so maybe she thought she was giving to her craft. But if she didn't even get naked for her role as a stripper in Welcome to the Rileys, there was really no reason she had to in the Jack Kerouac adaptation.
Anne Hathaway
After starring in The Princess Diaries, Anne Hathaway was primed to be America's sweetheart. As if the very thought made her want to hurl, she tried to throw that image out the window with Havoc, in which she plays a rich, spoiled California high school student who dabbles in a little gang activity. The scene where she goes topless is when she's in bed with a street gang member and realizes she might have gone too far. However, it's another scene that might go down in history: when she grinds on her white thug boyfriend while singing 2Pac's "How Do You Want It?" I would bet my life savings that this was the role Hathaway wants everyone to forget.
Keira Knightley
Like Hathaway, Keira Knightley was headed in a wholesome direction relatively early in her career and even scored an Oscar nomination for 2006's Pride &amp; Prejudice, but she too grew restless. She had to make Domino. The biopic about real-life model turned bounty hunter Domino Harvey tanked, but maybe that's a good thing because that means few people saw the actress's embarrassing lap dance scene and topless sex scene. And this was all after Knightley went topless early in her career in The Hole. All the hard work that Bend It Like Beckham did to undo her less-than-wholesome image was also undone.
Halle Berry
Halle Berry was already building a promising career when she went topless briefly for 2001's Swordfish. In the context of the film, it seems a little out of left field, but if it helped to pave the way for Monster's Ball, in which she has a more extended nude scene, then so be it. That movie made Berry the first African-American female ever to win the best actress Academy Award, which more than likely made any temporary on-set embarrassment worthwhile.
Katie Holmes
Dawson's Creek put Katie Holmes on the map as the ultimate girl next door. Like so many actresses before and after her, she just couldn't wait to shed that image. In 1998, she played a more provocative version of Joey Potter in Disturbing Behavior, but it wasn't until 2000 that she went fully topless in the flop thriller The Gift, which starred some big names like Cate Blanchett, Keanu Reeves and Greg Kinnear. The movie did very little for her career, as did the topless scene.
Natalie Portman
You couldn't ask for a better career start than Natalie Portman's — she burst onto the scene in the cult classic Léon: The Professional, went on to work with both Robert De Niro and Al Pacino in Heat, and scored a major franchise with George Lucas' Star Wars reboot. So why did she go and get naked in Hotel Chevalier (even if it is a charming and stylish Wes Anderson short film with a great soundtrack)? And not just any old regular naked, but the elusive full bottom. It seems like the Oscar-winning actress has a penchant for mooning the camera, as she also showed her bum — although partially, in thongs — in Closer and Your Highness.
Lindsay Lohan
Last but not least, there's Lindsay Lohan. After so many revealing outfits and a nude editorial in New York Magazine, Lohan going nude in Machete and The Canyons was a bit like watching LeBron James play a basketball player in a movie. It felt like we had already seen it before and not at all a stretch for the actress. In fact, she practically plays herself in The Canyons, about a shady movie producer who makes amateur pornos with his spoiled wannabe-actress girlfriend. I wouldn't be surprised if she volunteered to play the leading role in a made-for-TV movie about herself next.
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Hey ladies, remember when you went to go see Magic Mike with all your girlfriends and the whole audience was struggling to bridle its feelings of lust? It was tough. But the struggle doesn't end there. No, my female friends, it will continue — with Magic Mike 2.
Channing Tatum has said that the sequel to the movie that had us all flustered (and slightly confused as to why Kevin Nash was there) is currently in development. Only this time there won't be so much plot interrupting the stripping we're all really there for.
"It will be a road-trip movie," Tatum told The Hollywood Reporter, "and it will essentially be the movie that everyone thought the first one was going to be: crazy and fun and less slice-of-life and less drama. The first one, we had to make not so cheesy and campy; this one we are going to swing for the fences."
That's what we want to hear. Swing away, Channing. Swing away.
Another change is that Steven Soderbergh, who directed Magic Mike, will not be directing the sequel. Tatum said that either he and his producing partner Reid Carolin will direct, or they'll have Greg Jacobs direct. Tatum is considering having Soderbergh as the director of photography, but that would bring it's own challenges.
"Because he is such an opinionated and talented man," Tatum said, "if he wants to do a five-minute tracking shot through a forest, you don't want to doubt him. It would be like having sex with your girlfriend while her porn-star ex-boyfriend is in the room watching you."
So Tatum still has some decisions to make about Magic Mike 2, but whatever happens, you can bet we'll all be at the theater, probably more than once.
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Lifetime Adds a Leading Lady: TV icon Brooke Shields is joining Lifetime’s lady drama Army Wives. According to a press release, Shields will join the cast as “brash and brilliant” Air Force Colonel Katherine “Kat” Young. Kat is a guy’s girl who can definitely hold her own in the boys' club atmosphere of the military, but it won't take long before she’s butting heads with Army General Michael Holden (Brian McNamara). Army Wives fans can look forward to seeing Shields' character in a full-fledged power struggle with Holden to see who’s top dog on the base. But of course it wouldn’t be a Lifetime show unless Kat was holding onto a deep dark secret. “Only after their initial skirmishes does Holden learn of Kat’s tragic past, discovering they have more in common than he thought.” Shields is just one of the new additions to join the drama this season — Ashanti and Torrey DeVitto are also set to join the cast. Fans can catch the Season 7 premiere of Army Wives on Sunday, March 10 at 9 PM. [Lifetime]
A Witchcraft Reunion: Grab your spell books and wands because Disney Channel is reuniting the cast of Wizards of Waverly Place! Selena Gomez is back as Alex — the snarky best friend you’ve always wanted — in a one-hour special airing Friday, March 15 at 8 PM. The Russo family will travel to Tuscany, Italy for a family reunion, but in a attempt to show her serious magical skills, Alex accidently splits her personality in two: good Alex and bad Alex. (Side note: Didn’t they already do an episode like this? I'm pretty sure I've seen this already...) In a totally believable twist, the two Alexes battle for the fate of their family and the world atop the Tower of Pisa. [TV Guide]
Going Through The Gates... Again: Ken Marino and Aasif Mandvi have joined the NBC comedy pilot The Gates. Based on the British series, The Gates is an adult ensemble comedy set at the front gates of an elementary school drop-off and revolves around the parents, school staff and 15-minute social minefield they navigate at the beginning and end of each school day. (Side note: We're getting another case of deja vu here. Wasn't there already a TV series The Gates? On ABC? In the summer of 2010? Yes, yes there was...) This new incarnation centers on type-A Helen (Kathleen Rose Perkins), who just moved to town with her husband Mark (Marino) and their 8-year-old daughter for Helen’s big new job. Mark is described as a loveable, sweet, well-meaning, puppy-dog of a guy, a type B, or C, maybe even D to his wife’s type-A personality. Since he owns a construction business, he’s got a more flexible schedule than Helen and is at their daughter’s school more than his wife. Mandvi will play another dad at the school, a super-driven, competitive Yale-educated lawyer who’s one of these comedically intense guys who pushes his kids way too hard. [Deadline]
Party Down Parties On: This reunion is definitely one worth noting. On Feb. 9, San Francisco’s Sketchfest will reunite the cast of Starz’s brilliant-but-canceled catering comedy Party Down. Adam Scott, Ken Marino, Martin Starr, and Ryan Hansen are already locked in as attendees and it has just been revealed that Lizzy Caplan will join the group at this sold-out event as well. [EW]
It's Still Pilot Season, Y'all: NBC greenlighted a single-camera comedy from The Office developer/executive producer Greg Daniels starring Craig Robinson. The untitled project is about a talented musician with rough edges who adjusts to his new life as a music teacher in a big-city middle school, where he encounters teacher politics and the temptations of single moms. CBS has handed two more pilot orders to comedy Bad Teacher and drama The Advocates. Bad Teacher, a single-camera comedy series adaptation of the hit 2011 movie of the same name, is about a sexy, foul-mouthed divorcee who becomes a teacher to find her next husband. The Advocates, which had a pilot production commitment, centers on a female lawyer and a male ex-con who team up as “victim advocates,” going to the edge of the law to right wrongs and fight for the underdog. [Deadline, Deadline]
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Mariah, Minaj and Vampires Reach Ratings Success: Looks like that catty new judging panel is working! The second night of the American Idol Season 12 premiere dropped only 2 percent: Good news, considering 19 percent of viewers changed their minds after night one last year. Meanwhile, The CW has something to celebrate today, as The Vampire Diaries beat NBC's 30 Rock and 1600 Penn in its demo. [EW]
More Laughs on the Peacock: NBC has officially greenlit three comedy pilots — one from The Office vet Greg Daniels, another from Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, then a sperm donor comedy called Donor Party from relative unknowns Alex Schemmer and Geyer Kosinski. All three shows are single camera and sound relatively quirky, which (hopefully) means that NBC is going with smart over broad this year. (Here's looking at you, Guys With Kids.) [Deadline]
Ben and Kate... and Jesse: In addition to his recurring role on the new season of Army Wives, Jesse McCartney is set to guest star in a February episode of Fox's breakout comedy Ben and Kate. In the episode, Kate returns to college and shares a class with BJ who tries to get her to let loose and have fun, but Kate is determined to focus on her studies this time around. But that might be a little difficult with Jesse (McCartney), a hot fellow student, trying to get Kate's attention and eventually asking her out. His episode is slated to air Tuesday Feb. 26. [E!]
Arrow Beauty Heads to Dracula's Lair: NBC confirmed on Friday that Arrow’s Jessica De Gouw will play the female character Mina in the upcoming series Dracula, which stars Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Dracula has been described by NBC as a "provocative" version of Bram Stoker's classic, set in 1896. The 10-episode series begins when Dracula arrives in London, pretending to be an American entrepreneur, who claims he is trying to bring modern science to Victorian society. His real goal is to enact revenge on people he believes have wronged him. Dracula's one problem with revenge occurs when he falls in love with a woman (De Gouw), who appears to be a reincarnation of his dead wife. [Yahoo News]
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While the annual Sundance film festival continues to be a place that launches young filmmaking talent, over the years it's also become a star-studded publicity machine attracting big names looking to debut their new films. The list of celebs attending the 2013 festival for the out-of-competition premieres of their new movies should not disappoint.
The most anticipated premiere won't happen until the end of the festival, when the Steve Jobs biopic jOBS, starring Ashton Kutcher as the Apple guru, is honored as the closing night film.
Oscar-winning screenwriters (and sometime sitcom stars) Nat Faxon and Jim Rash will make their directorial debut with a film they wrote called The Way, Way Back, starring Steve Carell and Toni Collette.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt will take it one step further by starring in his self-penned directorial debut, DonJon's Addiction, alongside Scarlett Johansson and Julianne Moore.
There's also Lovelace, with Amanda Seyfried as the titular '70s porn star, the third union of Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy in Before Midnight, and Jane Campion's six-hour epic Top of the Lake, among many others.
The documentaries premiering out of competition cover diverse topics, including Wikileaks, Jeremy Lin, multiple sclerosis, Dick Cheney and more.
The 2013 Sundance Film Festival runs from Jan. 17-27, 2013.
2013 PREMIERES
A.C.O.D. / U.S.A. (Director: Stuart Zicherman, Screenwriters: Ben Karlin, Stuart Zicherman) — Carter is a well-adjusted Adult Child of Divorce. So he thinks. When he discovers he was part of a divorce study as a child, it wreaks havoc on his family and forces him to face his chaotic past. Cast: Adam Scott, Richard Jenkins, Catherine O'Hara, Amy Poehler, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Clark Duke.
Before Midnight / U.S.A. (Director: Richard Linklater, Screenwriters: Julie Delpy, Ethan Hawke, Richard Linklater— We meet Jesse and Celine nine years on in Greece. Almost two decades have passed since their first meeting on that train bound for Vienna. Before the clock strikes midnight, we will again become part of their story. Cast: Ethan Hawke, Julie Delpy, Xenia Kalogeropoulou, Ariane Labed, Athina Rachel Tsangari, Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick.
Big Sur / U.S.A. (Director and screenwriter: Michael Polish) — Unable to cope with a suddenly demanding public and battling advanced alcoholism, Jack Kerouac seeks respite in three brief sojourns to a cabin in Big Sur, which reveal his mental and physical deterioration. Cast: Jean-Marc Barr, Kate Bosworth, Josh Lucas, Radha Mitchell, Anthony Edwards, Henry Thomas.
Breathe In / U.S.A. (Director: Drake Doremus, Screenwriters: Drake Doremus, Ben York Jones) — When a foreign exchange student arrives in a small upstate New York town, she challenges the dynamics of her host family's relationships and alters their lives forever. Cast: Guy Pearce, Felicity Jones, Amy Ryan, Mackenzie Davis.
Don Jon's Addiction / U.S.A. (Director and screenwriter: Joseph Gordon-Levitt) — In Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s charming directorial debut, a selfish modern-day Don Juan attempts to change his ways. Cast: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Scarlett Johansson, Julianne Moore, Tony Danza, Glenne Headly, Rob Brown.
The East / U.S.A. (Director: Zal Batmanglij, Screenwriters: Zal Batmanglij, Brit Marling) — An operative for an elite private intelligence firm goes into deep cover to infiltrate a mysterious anarchist collective attacking major corporations. Bent on apprehending these fugitives, she finds her loyalty tested as her feelings grow for the group's charismatic leader. Cast: Brit Marling, Alexander Skarsgård, Ellen Page, Toby Kebbell, Shiloh Fernandez, Patricia Clarkson.
The Inevitable Defeat of Mister and Pete / U.S.A. (Director: George Tillman Jr., Screenwriter: Michael Starrbury) — Separated from their mothers and facing a summer in the Brooklyn projects alone, two boys hide from police and forage for food, with only each other to trust. A story of salvation through friendship and two boys against the world. Cast: Skylan Brooks, Ethan Dizon, Jennifer Hudson, Jordin Sparks, Anthony Mackie, Jeffrey Wright.
jOBS / U.S.A. (Director: Joshua Michael Stern, Screenwriter: Matt Whiteley) — The true story of one of the greatest entrepreneurs in American history, jOBS chronicles the defining 30 years of Steve Jobs’ life. jOBS is a candid, inspiring and personal portrait of the one who saw things differently. Cast: Ashton Kutcher, Dermot Mulroney, Josh Gad, Lukas Haas, J.K. Simmons, Matthew Modine. CLOSING NIGHT FILM
The Look of Love / United Kingdom (Director: Michael Winterbottom, Screenwriter: Matt Greenhalgh) — The true story of British adult magazine publisher and entrepreneur Paul Raymond. A modern day King Midas story, Raymond became one of the richest men in Britain at the cost of losing those closest to him. Cast: Steve Coogan, Anna Friel, Imogen Poots, Tamsin Egerton.
Lovelace / U.S.A. (Directors: Rob Epstein, Jeffrey Friedman, Screenwriter: Andy Bellin) — Deep Throat, the first pornographic feature film to be a mainstream success, was an international sensation in 1972 and made its star, Linda Lovelace, a media darling. Years later the “poster girl for the sexual revolution” revealed a darker side to her story. Cast: Amanda Seyfried, Peter Sarsgaard, Hank Azaria, Adam Brody, James Franco, Sharon Stone.
The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman / U.S.A. (Director: Fredrik Bond, Screenwriter: Matt Drake) — Traveling abroad, Charlie Countryman falls for Gabi, a Romanian beauty whose unreachable heart has its origins in Nigel, her violent, charismatic ex. As the darkness of Gabi’s past increasingly envelops him, Charlie resolves to win her heart, or die trying. Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Evan Rachel Wood, Mads Mikkelsen, Rupert Grint, James Buckley, Til Schweiger.
Prince Avalanche / U.S.A. (Director and screenwriter: David Gordon Green) — Two highway road workers spend the summer of 1988 away from their city lives. The isolated landscape becomes a place of misadventure as the men find themselves at odds with each other and the women they left behind. Cast: Paul Rudd, Emile Hirsch.
Stoker / U.S.A. (Director: Park Chan-Wook, Screenwriter: Wentworth Miller) — After India's father dies in an auto accident, her Uncle Charlie comes to live with her and her mother, Evelyn. Soon after his arrival, India suspects that this mysterious, charming man has ulterior motives but becomes increasingly infatuated with him. Cast: Mia Wasikowska, Matthew Goode, Dermot Mulroney, Jacki Weaver, Nicole Kidman.
Sweetwater / U.S.A. (Directors: Logan Miller, Noah Miller, Screenwriter: Andrew McKenzie) — In the late 1800s, a fanatical religious leader, a renegade Sheriff, and a former prostitute collide in a blood triangle on the rugged plains of the New Mexico Territory. Cast: Ed Harris, January Jones, Jason Isaacs, Eduardo Noriega, Steven Rude, Amy Madigan.
Top of the Lake / Australia, New Zealand (Directors: Jane Campion, Garth Davis, Screenwriters: Jane Campion, Gerard Lee) — A 12-year-old girl stands chest deep in a frozen lake. She is five months pregnant, and won't say who the father is. Then she disappears. So begins a haunting mystery that consumes a community. Cast: Elisabeth Moss, Holly Hunter, Peter Mullan, David Wenham. This six-hour film will screen once during the Festival.
Two Mothers / Australia, France (Director: Anne Fontaine, Screenwriter: Christopher Hampton) — This gripping tale of love, lust and the power of friendship charts the unconventional and passionate affairs of two lifelong friends who fall in love with each other’s sons. Cast: Naomi Watts, Robin Wright, Xavier Samuel, James Frechevile.
Very Good Girls / U.S.A. (Director and screenwriter: Naomi Foner) — In the long, half-naked days of a New York summer, two girls on the brink of becoming women fall for the same guy and find that life isn't as simple or safe as they had thought. Cast: Dakota Fanning, Elizabeth Olsen, Boyd Holbrook, Demi Moore, Richard Dreyfuss, Ellen Barkin.
The Way, Way Back / U.S.A. (Directors and screenwriters: Nat Faxon, Jim Rash) — Duncan, an introverted 14-year-old, comes into his own over the course of a comedic summer when he forms unlikely friendships with the gregarious manager of a rundown water park and the misfits who work there. Cast: Steve Carell, Toni Collette, Allison Janney, Sam Rockwell, Maya Rudolph, Liam James.
2013 DOCUMENTARY PREMIERES
ANITA / U.S.A. (Director: Freida Mock) — Anita Hill, an African-American woman, charges Supreme Court nominee Clarence Thomas with sexual harassment in explosive Senate hearings in 1991 – bringing sexual politics into the national consciousness and fueling 20 years of international debate on the issues.
The Crash Reel / U.S.A. (Director: Lucy Walker) — The jaw-dropping story of one unforgettable athlete, Kevin Pearce; one eye-popping sport, snowboarding; and one explosive issue, traumatic brain injury. An epic rivalry between Kevin and Shaun White culminates in a life-changing crash and a comeback story with a difference. SALT LAKE CITY GALA FILM
History of the Eagles / U.S.A. (Director: Alison Ellwood) — Using never-before-seen home movies, archival footage and new interviews with all current and former members of the Eagles, this documentary provides an intimate look into the history of the band and the legacy of their music.
Linsanity / U.S.A. (Director: Evan Leong) — Jeremy Lin came from a humble background to make an unbelievable run in the NBA. State high school champion, all-Ivy League at Harvard, undrafted by the NBA and unwanted there: his story started long before he landed on Broadway.
Pandora's Promise / U.S.A. (Director: Robert Stone) — A growing number of environmentalists are renouncing decades of antinuclear orthodoxy and have come to believe that the most feared and controversial technology known to mankind is probably our greatest hope.
Running from Crazy / U.S.A. (Director: Barbara Kopple) — Mariel Hemingway, granddaughter of Ernest Hemingway, strives for a greater understanding of her family history of suicide and mental illness. As tragedies are explored and deeply hidden secrets are revealed, Mariel searches for a way to overcome a similar fate.
Sound City / U.S.A. (Director: Dave Grohl) — Through interviews and performances with the legendary musicians and producers who worked at America's greatest unsung recording studio, Sound City, we explore the human element of music, and the lost art of analog recording in an increasingly digital world.
We Steal Secrets: The Story of WikiLeaks / U.S.A. (Director: Alex Gibney) — In 2010, WikiLeaks and its sources used the power of the Internet to usher in what was for some a new era of transparency and for others the beginnings of an information war.
When I Walk / U.S.A., Canada (Director: Jason DaSilva) — At 25, filmmaker and artist Jason DaSilva finds out he has a severe form of multiple sclerosis. This film shares his personal and grueling journey over the next seven years. Along the way, an unlikely miracle changes everything.
Which Way is the Front Line from Here? The Life and Time of Tim Hetherington / U.S.A. (Director: Sebastian Junger) — Shortly after the release of his documentary Restrepo, photographer Tim Hetherington was killed in Libya. Colleague Sebastian Junger traces Hetherington's work across the world's battlefields to reveal how he transcended the boundaries of image-making to become a luminary in his profession.
The World According to Dick Cheney / U.S.A. (Directors: R.J. Cutler, Greg Finton) — How did Dick Cheney become the single-most-powerful nonpresidential figure in American history? This multi-layered examination of Cheney's life, career, key relationships and controversial worldview features exclusive interviews with the former vice president and his closest allies.
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[Photo Credit: Dale Robinette/Millennium Films]
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Oh, look, everyone, Real Hairpullers of Snatch Ratch Canyon got a new wig! Well, at least it got itself a brand new opening sequence and it looks like a million dollars of sparkles and paillettes and spray-on glitter and lots of flattering photos of the women shot from above like that second in the Jem and the Hologram theme song where we see Kimber from above and then she rises to spray the camera with a seltzer bottle. That's what last night was, it was Bravo spraying all of us with seltzer and then telling us to go sit on a rubber chicken. Last night's premiere was all glitz and no substance. It was just a whole lot of hair extensions wrapped around a black hole, because nothing really happened on the episode at all. Nope, nothing.
But I guess all of these things start off slowly. Well, not all of them. New Jersey usually starts out with pictures of police sirens whimpering in the wind and someone from the Teresa Giudice clan is arrested for something or somehow involved in some fit of temper that the whole season is going to build up to or be affected by. Oh, and not Beverly Hills (seriously, guys, I can not wait to be reunited with the love of my life Kim Richards tonight) which always starts with the ladies in their best gowns sitting shiva over some horrible tragedy. It's usually a death or a divorce, and sometimes it involves both.
Not Atlanta. No, you have to ease into the action of Atlanta. It's like taking a big old gulp of sweet tea while you sit on the veranda and wait for your brow to dry from just walking around your house. But none of their McMansions have verandas. They are just brick monstrosities that some developer's son made out of Legos and he decided to build them in real life with wall to wall carpeting and swimming pools in the basement. Oh, but we're getting ahead of ourselves. Yes, we're easing into it, we're easing into the season. We're getting to know our girls all over again. Let's go one at a time, shall we (and we are gonna end with new girl Kernya Mooo-ah because, oh girl).
NeNe Leakes: NeNe Leakes is rich, bitch, and we are finally starting to see that is the truth. She's so rich she either bought herself a new long, straight blonde wig like she had on Season 1 or she bought herself a do rag with a bunch of hair extensions glued into it. You know, like one of those rasta caps you buy at Spencer's Gifts that already has the dreadlocks installed. It's one of those. And Greg, her ex-husband, just loves her fake extension head. Greg wants NeNe back, because now she is famous and rich and maybe he wants a little piece. Maybe he just realized he can't live without her. Maybe he likes eyebrows that are drawn on with a thick pencil. Who knows? What I do know is that he said more words in his one scene last night than he did in every other season of the show combined.
It's going to be hard for NeNe to take Greg back though, because she is off in LA filming for her show The New Normal and having dinner with the show's diabolical creator Ryan Murphy. OK, I have a new theory about why NeNe got cast on his show. I think that Ryan Murphy wants to be a Real Housewife and this is as close as he could get. I got this transcript from a phone call he made to Andy Cohen."Andy, girl, it's Ryan. Did you find my Speedo in your Jacuzzi in the Hamptons? I don't know what I did with the thing. Anyway, sweetie, I want to be on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills."
"Oh my god, Ryan, that is an amazing idea. Now, I never tell famous people they are wrong, but, um, you're not really a wife, so I don't know if it's a good idea."
"Hello, how are you going to say I'm not a wife? I've got a husband, don't I."
"True, but you're not really, you know, a woman."
"But don't you want a gay on the show? You've always needed a gay Housewife. Andy, don't say no to me. You know I still have those pictures from when we were in Palm Springs at the White Party two years ago. I would hate to have them show up on the Internet somewhere."
"OK, OK, OK, Ryan, we can figure something out. Well, you can't be a Housewife, per se, but what if you were on one of the Housewives shows?"
"OK, that would work. It must be Bev Hills because, man, those bitches are the best."
"That's great! Why don't you give Kim Richards a guest role on Glee?"
"I can't do that."
"Why not? She's an actress."
"No, Andy, she really isn't."
"Well, what other Housewife do you love, that you want to put on a show?"
"I've always liked that NeNe Leakes, but I'm not moving to Atlanta. God, those McMansions make me want to choke on my own tongue."
"No, Ryan, I'm saying hire her on the show, bring her to LA, and then you can have dinner with her on camera, and you're on Housewives."
"Brilliant! I'm writing a part for her as we speak."
And that is how it happened. Now, there are two key pieces of information that we gleaned from dinner. One is that NeNe Leakes thinks that she is good friends with Tyler Perry which, well, of course she is. Every gay man loves NeNe Leakes, and apparently so does Tyler Perry. But they're not good enough friends that when Tyler Perry changes his phone number, he tells NeNe Leakes. Oh hell no. She gets that annoying anamatronic lady telling you that shit has been disconnected. I hate that bitch. But NeNe Leakes knows to laugh it off. That's how we know that NeNe of Keeping it Real With NeNe fame is still keeping it real. The other way we know she is keeping it real is that she will not eat the snails that Ryan Murphy (why am I using everyone's Christian and surnames?) orders at Bouchon Bistro. She was like, "I'm from the south. We eat chicken. This escar has got to to go!" OK, she didn't say that last part, I made it up. But she should have!
Kandi: Kandi with a K is starting to melt in her man's mouth, not in his hands. Yes, Kandi has a man. His name is Todd and he is hot. He's not like TV or Moviestar hot. He's not even Apollo ripped-and-tattooed-and-ready-for-a-hot-naked-guy-calendar hot. He's like the hottest guy at a party that real humans would go to. He's like real life hot. She met him on the show, which is sort of glossed over and not really explained but, man, how do you go from behind the camera on the show to in front of the camera on the show? Is he still working on the show? Does that mean that Kandi always gets a good edit? And why won't the show acknowledge it is a show? Come on, we all know it's a show, we're watching it!
Kandi also has a new house. Alright, how can we even differentiate any of the Real Househunters of Peachtree Lane's houses? Everyone one of their houses looks the same. It is a bunch of different colored bricks that is more beige than red and every single one of them looks like a page out of Bland Homes and Blah Blahs magazine. I mean, every house in Nantucket is kind of the same, but you can tell they're different, and at least they're similar in a classic, beautiful way. The Atlanta Housewives houses are all the same just as every woman in LA has the same face because they go to the same three plastic surgeons. Kandi has a new house which is actually two houses. There is a real house and a guest house, but the guest house is like across the driveway. That's not a guest house, that is like a tumor that your house can't get rid of. And it has an indoor pool in the bottom of the guest house. Oh, and the main house has a Jacuzzi room which already ! times infinity, but then it is right off the living room. Yes, that is just what I want to hear while I'm trying to watch all the episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives in my DVR is the lovely sounds of sauna jets just a-burbling in the next room.
So, yes, Kim shows up and is picking on Kandi's house because, well, Kandi's house is ridiculous and deserves to be picked on. OH! And Kandi wants a baby boy and wants to name him Kash (of Kourse with a K) which is also how she paid for her house. I just snapped my fingers. Did you hear it?
Kim: Speaking of Kim, she is pregnant again and she has to move. Did you watch Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding? Oh please, I know you did. So you know that Kim has some complicated relationship with her landlord and she wants to kick Kim out of the house. Kim says she was renting to own, but this is not like some crappy sectional you got at the Rent-A-Center in the mall, this is a house that looks like a Happy Meal box made out of bricks (it even has the two arches on the roof), you don't lease a house then buy it? If you wanted to buy a house, then you just buy the damn house, and if you can't buy that house, then you find another one you can buy and buy that house. It doesn't have to be that hard, Kim.
Kim hired a "moving organizer," which is something only a Housewife would do. This is not a real job. This is a fake job like "psychic cheerleader" (and let me tell you, I could write 5,000 words right now on that piece of work from Housewives Miami and his A-E-AAAhh-Ahhh-O-OOoooohhhh) that is some made up bullshit that does not exist in the universe. Who has that? Anyway, the moving organizer says it's going to cost K&amp;K Baby Factory $101K to move. And they don't even know where they want to move yet. But I gotta say, if Kim's storyline this year is about where she's going to live, then I am bored. Also, when she was at her house, she was clearly drinking from a Chik-Fil-A cup. Do I have to go out there and lose my gay mind on you Kim? We're boycotting! Don't you want Derek J to get married one day just so you can see the ridiculousness that is that Oompah-Loompah walking down the aisle of Candy Land? Then stop eating Chik-Fil-A. You guys don't have an Arby's? Seriously! But I know, waffle fries. But Still!
Oh, and I don't like her straight wig. Sorry Kim.
Phaedra: Phaedra wants to have dog funerals. Ugh, this is such a Housewives thing to do, like a toaster oven cook book. This is why they are always hiring people with ridiculous jobs, because they all have ridiculous jobs themselves. I usually love a Phaedra, but she needs to snatch it together and do something fun.
Cynthia: Her daughter doesn't want to be homeschooled anymore and I gotta say, Amen Praise Jesus. Can you imagine what life would be like if we start letting Real Housewives raise the next generation of Americans? We might as well just sink ourselves into the Atlantic now and just chill down there with the plankton, because that is where we are headed. And not just any Real Housewife, a RH who is a model, honey. OK? No, not OK.
Kernya Mooo-ah: Girl, this Kernya Mooo-ah is nuts. She is the kind of nuts that you see coming from like seven miles away. She gives one glinty Pearl Drops smile at you and you know you might has well be looking at a giant peanut with a cane, a monocle, and a top hat. We are introduced to her by Lawrence, She by Sheree's hairdresser and friend. Thank god he's still kicking around, because who doesn't love Miss Lawrence?
Anyway, Kernya was Miss USA, which means that, like NeNe Leakes, she is tangentially involved in the Trump Organization, which is reason enough to despise her. She was the second black Miss USA which is sort of like, well, coming in second place in a beauty contest in Monopoly. She thinks that she is a movie producers because she made a movie called The Confidant, which she also starred in along with Billy Zane and Bai Ling. This isn't even D-List. This is so far off the list, that it's not even in a notebook. It's like the scraps of dried up Kleenex and loose Lifesavers rattling around in the bottom of your purse next to the list. That's what this movie is. Not even Direct to DVD, it's like Direct to VHS Copies That A Man Is Selling On a Blanket on 52nd Street and Ninth Avenue. That's what this movie is. I mean, even the trailer is awful. Poor Billy Zane.
Kernya got a man, and his name is Walt and he owns a towing company, based on the shirt he was wearing the one time we saw him. Either that or he just wears random towing company logo shirts on TV for no good reason. Whatever. I say good for you, Kernya. Get that man with the towing company. It may not be glamorous, but as long as there are flat tires and people who don't pay there bills, there will be tow trucks.
The first reason I do not like Kernya is because she is affected. She tells Lawrence, "Oh, I love caviar, it's so good." No you don't, Kernya. You have never even had good caviar, I can just tell. You just say you like it because you know rich people are supposed to like it. And Lawrence, like NeNe Leaks says, "Oh, we don't eat that stuff. We eat chicken." That is how you keep it real. Kernya is about as real as her hair color and tinted contacts. I bet those tits are real though, and that ass and, I gotta say, damn Kernya. Kernya is the type of girl who has a security guard even though she doesn't need security because no one knows who she is. See, she is affected. Well, she does need security. She needs it to keep away all the people who want to beat her ass for being a raging bitch for no reason.
Now, in my line of work, I have come across many celebrities at different parts of their careers. Know who the nicest ones are? The ones who are really big, fat, gigantic stars. Know who the meanest are? The Kernya Mooo-ahs of the world. The people who need to prove how big they are by making everyone else feel small. This is just what she does at the Cynthia Bailey School for Beauty, Modeling, and Dental Hygiene. They are casting for the JET beauty of the week and, yes some of the girls who come through are a little busted, but Kernya is mean right to their faces. Cynthia, the marm of the Cynthia Bailey School for Blobbity Blah Blah Pretty Girls Blah, wants to be nice to all of the girls. Somewhere in there is a happy medium (and I don't mean that psychic from Long Island). There are no participation awards in modeling. It is a profession of rejection and you need to tell some of these girls they don't have what it takes. That doesn't mean saying "coochie crack" about 17 times in a row because one girl had on a really small bikini. (Also, I don't know what a "coochie crack" is – well, I know what it is, but I have never seen one – but it is really fun to say. It just fills up your mouth that that broad ooooh sound and then closes it down with the harsh K at the end. It's like snapping a towel on a hot jock's behind.)
When Cynthia finally says something about how Kernya needs to get herself together and stop acting like a total bitch in her agency, then she gets up and gives a big speech about how every girl is beautiful, even though she doesn't mean it. She's trying to take the Cynthia Bailey out of the Cynthia Bailey School for Kissy Faces and Bagel Preparation. She shouldn't be talking at all, Cynthia Bailey should be. So Cynthia gets up and says a speech and then Kernya is all critical of her speech because she said the same thing Kernya did, when Kernya had no place to speak in the first place. Oh, she is a crazy bitch. This is gonna be fun, everyone.
Kernya got out and went into her car and pulled down the visor to look at herself in the mirror. Her lip gloss was perfect, her makeup was flawless, not a hair was out of place. She felt the need to move something, so she squinted her eyes a little bit and them opened them up wider into her best "smize." "Good work today," Kernya thought to herself. "You really did it in there, girl. You showed them who was boss." She thinks, objectively, that everyone who was around her thinks so too. It is a fact that she has good taste and she is never wrong. That is a fact and you can take it to the bank and you can sell it for real estate. She doesn't know if those are real idioms but they should be. She started her car and thought about pulling away, but she was just going to idle there a little bit longer. She was just going to pause and watch everyone file out of the Cynthia Bailey School for Moving Organizers and Pet Funerals and see them all talking about her. She wanted to hear their praises. She wanted to be like Sally Field in that scene in Soapdish where she can't even get down the escalator at the mall because her fans were buffeting her with praise. She watched Cynthia Bailey walk out with her two assistants and say to them, "God, she's such a bitch," and she stopped there out in front of the school with her folder pressed up against her chest and they all did their best Kernya Mooo-ah impersonation, laughing and cackling at how awful she was.
Kernya was hurt. She burned on the inside with the fire of a thousand suns. Maybe she was bad. Maybe she was too mean. Maybe she should find a different line of work or be a better person or donate some money to a charity. She felt a pang of something in the pit of her stomach. Something she couldn't really describe, but something she feels pretty often. She felt it tickle her with its dread, like an inky black squid was trying to crush her mind from the inside. But then she banished it, she smiled at herself and she banished it. There would be no black thoughts today. After all, what do they know? Her lip gloss is perfect.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
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