November 1, 2006

Best Costume Ever

(for some reason some reason nothing is showing up) Click in the nothingness or the link to see a great costume. The title of the clip (at College Humor) is probably accurate that this will be better than Michael Bay's Transformers. I'm also going to go out on a limb and say that the camera work will be very similar in the movie as well.

October 13, 2006

Deep-Fried Coke

I often hear people saying, " Sure X is good, but have you tried X deep-fried" - Replace X with any conceivable food; cheese, turkey, mars bars, etc.

I can't say this has ever crossed my mind.

Gonzales deep-fries Coca-Cola-flavored batter. He then drizzles Coke fountain syrup on it. The fried Coke is topped with whipped cream, cinnamon sugar and a cherry. Gonzales said the fried Coke came about just from thinking aloud.

September 18, 2006

The Shire

Ever want to live in Middle Earth or more specifically The Shire. Well stop dreaming and get your real estate agent on the phone because lots are going fast.

The Shire (6.2 acres) is laid out around the natural topography of the site to create a unique community and idyllic world reminiscent of a simpler and easier time. The community is designed to bring nature and beauty to the doorstep of every residence. Water features and floral features are incorporated throughout The Shire to bring color, sparkle, wildlife and the soothing sounds of falling water into the everyday world of all the residents

July 24, 2006

If You Don't Want Your Children To Go To Hell, You'd Better Beat Them

A New Zealand Christian group has put together a nice little pamplet providing some great tips for beating your children.

My personal favourite is "If the child is still angry after the smack, you have not smacked hard enough". You have to remember if you're going to smack your children that the day will come when they'll be big enough to kick your ass. So make sure that by the time you're done beating them that they're no longer angry with you and some day realize that you were just helping beat the sin out of them.

Another is "Smacking may be a 10-to-15 minute process". I wonder at what pace the spanking occurs if it can last for 10 to 15 minutes. If it's anything like when I was a child, the threat of, " You won't be able to sit down for a week when I'm done with you" would not sound like such a gross exaggeration. I'd imagine if a spanking was administered for 10 to 15 minutes, a threat of, "You'll never walk again when I'm done with you" would also sound pretty accurate.

Conan High School Address

June 20, 2006

Ass Coffee or Kopi Luwak

I don't drink coffee and thanks to this little article I never will.

[T]he paradoxurus [is] a tree-dwelling animal that is part of the sibet family. Long regarded by the natives as pests, they climb among the coffee trees eating only the ripest, reddest coffee cherries. Who knows who first thought of it, or how or why, but what these animals eat they must also digest and eventually excrete. Some brazen or desparate -- or simply lazy -- local gathered the beans, which come through the digestion process fairly intact, still wrapped in layers of the cherries' mucilage. The enzymes in the animals' stomachs, though, appear to add something unique to the coffee's flavor through fermentation.

June 8, 2006

Monkey Chow

You gotta love the internet, where else could you get to see insane drunken-bar-like bets being carried out.

Angryman poses the question:

Imagine going to the grocery store only once every 6 months. Imagine paying less than a dollar per meal. Imagine never washing dishes, chopping vegetables or setting the table ever again. It sounds pretty good, doesn't it?

But how can this be achieved...

The answer = MONKEY CHOW

Angryman chronicles his days of eating nothing but monkey chow for a week (A Week...That seems a little short. Possible with the attention he's garnering he'll go longer.). Check out The Monkey Chow Diaries for a day by day summary. Check his blog for even more great Monkey chow stuff.

June 5, 2006

Colbert's Knox College Commencement Speech

Stephen Colbert (Colbert Report) gave the commencement speech at Knox College in Illinois this past weekend.

You are the most cuddled generation in history. I belong to the last generation that did not have to be in a car seat. You had to be in car seats. I did not have to wear a helmet when I rode my bike. You do. You have to wear helmets when you go swimming, right? In case you bump your head against the side of the pool. Oh, by the way, I should have said, my speech today may contain some peanut products.

My mother had 11 children: Jimmy, Eddie, Mary, Billy, Morgan, Tommy, Jay, Lou, Paul, Peter, Stephen. You may applaud my mother’s womb. Thank you, I’ll let her know. She could never protect us the way you all have been protected. She couldn’t fit 11 car seats. She would just open the back of her Town & Country—stack us like cord wood: four this way, four that way. And she put crushed glass in the empty spaces to keep it steady. Then she would roll up all the windows in the winter time and light up a cigarette. When I die I will not need to be embalmed, because as a child my mother hickory-smoked me.

May 19, 2006

Armpit Deep in Empties

I once had an uncle who used to have a barrel (about the same size as a 45 gallon drum) in the corner of his living room where he would throw all his beer caps. It was a little over a third full, it was pretty impressive to see and try to comprehend drinking all that beer.

Last year a townhouse in Ogden, Utah was found that simply dwarfs my uncles barrel. Approximately 70,000 cans filled the house. The tennant lived there for 8 years, this works out almost exactly to a case (24) of beer a day, every day, for eight years!!

I know on a long trip back from the cottage with a couple of cases of empties in the trunk the smell is almost enough to knock you over when you pop the trunk. I couldn't imagine living in a place that reeked of stale beer.

Though if I was drinking a case of beer a day I'd have to think that by around beers 17 or 18 I was Scrooge McDuck and diving off a counter top into a big pile of beer cans.

May 17, 2006

Another Reason Not to Eat at McDonalds

I gave up McDonalds a long time ago and I don't think this advertising campaign, "Just opened, near Kimaya Kothrud. I'm lovin' it" is going to win me back. I don't have a fear of clowns but I think somehow I'll be having nightmares about this images.

I wonder if there was an under construction poster where they painted up a fetus with white grease paint and had COMING SOON underneath?

I like the comparisons to Stephen Kings' IT in the comments at the link below.

May 1, 2006

Colbert Roasts Bush

April 10, 2006

Welcome To The Bank of Wal-Mart

Why is it when the alarm clock went off this morning the story of 8 dead bodies found in a field was slightly less alarming then when I heard Wal-Mart is trying to get into banking. Just thinking someone could be uttering the phrase, "Welcome to the Bank of Wal-Mart" makes me nauseous.

Wal-Mart insist that it doesn't want to get into consumer banking but I'd imagine like many others that once they get their foot in the door that will be the end of it.

The company insists that consumers and retail banks have nothing to fear and is pledging to stay out of branch banking and consumer lending

I'm not a fan of the banks in general with all of their bloated service charges and convience fees I just start sweating when I think what will happen if Wal-Mart enters this world.

March 16, 2006

Tom Green Injured and I may be a bad person

I don't think I'm a bad person but sometimes I wonder.

Tom Green says he is lucky to be alive after being slammed by a wave on a beach in Central America, People.com reports.

"I actually tried to lean into (the wave), as if that would keep me in my footing. It was like leaning into a freight train. And I was gone. I felt my life flash before my eyes," he writes. " Milliseconds later I slammed hard onto the rocks... I could feel the cracking of bone."

I picture this and can't help but laugh really hard. Does that make me a bad person? I'm the type of person that if you were to slip and fall on the ice I'd be right there laughing but I'd also be the first person to help you up.

February 27, 2006

Another Gadget You Shouldn't Be Living Without

On Friday I was all over products that are meant to make life easier and better but really were just overkill and making people lazier. This morning I came across a little product that just makes so much sense you wonder why it took so long to come around.

A toothbrush with a replaceable head. It seems every time I get a new toothbrush and finally break in the handle to just the way I like it, the bristles wear out. Finally someone has answered my prayers.

I haven't looked into it yet but hopefully by the time I wear down the handle they'll come out with a replaceable handle that I can screw into the head.

February 24, 2006

Automated Ice Cream

As you can tell from my total lack of effort on the non comic posts that it's been a pretty hectic week. Will next week be any better? Probably not but at least you can bank on there being two new comics up.

I love how technology makes our lives easier by improving existing things making them easier, faster and generally better. There are on ocassion some instances where I think they overreach:

The Electric Can opener - A manual can opener never slips off half way through and is actually faster than the electric type.

The Doorbell - Knocking has always worked for me. I wonder how long before downloadable doorbell ringtones will be available. And when this catches on, know that I will never ring it so don't bother asking me to. Also if for some reason in the future doorbells come with a text message option I will not be held responsible if I ever catch you sending a text message from your doorbell.

The motorized Ice cream cone will now be added to the list.

Takes a licking and keeps ice cream from dripping! Load the removable dish with ice cream, push the button and the ice cream turns while you enjoy one of the world's most popular treats. No more licking around the edges of a drippy cone. Fun for all ages. Removable dish is dishwasher safe. Requires two double AA batteries (not included).

Why does this have a button? That seems like just as much work as licking. Button in...button out...button in... I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I think I'll just tape it down.

I believe that this ice cream cone comes in a deluxe model where you simply skewer an entire brick of ice cream and all you have to do is peel back the cardboard and enjoy. This model still requires batteries but does come with free insulin shots for your fat diabetic ass.

February 6, 2006

This Moon Dust Is Making Me Thirsty

Have you ever wondered what the moon tastes like?

Well wonder no more Apollo 16 astronaut Charlie Duke has you're answer.

"It is really a strong smell," radioed Apollo 16 pilot Charlie Duke. "It has that taste -- to me, [of] gunpowder -- and the smell of gunpowder, too." On the next mission, Apollo 17, Gene Cernan remarked, "smells like someone just fired a carbine in here."

You ask yourself how would one end up discovering the taste of the moon. Simple it's NASA procedure for coming in contact with unknown objects. I've summarized the procedure below:

1. Give Specimen a catalgue number
2. Record visual observation of object and it's properties
3. Record tactial properties (smooth, rough ,etc.)
4. Record scent - Gentle waft the object towards yourself and record.
5. Record taste - Be careful! Only taste it a little bit by quickly contacting the tip of your tongue to the object. Wait for reaction. If no reaction take a larger lick and record your findings. Note if object is delicious please do not eat it all.
6. Seal Specimen and attach report.

February 3, 2006

British Troops on LSD

Is there anything the government won't try to gain some sort of advantage in combat. Watch as British troops are given LSD and asked to complete an exersice. I laughed so hard watching this clip, the narration is classic.

January 27, 2006

Ultimate Post-Bar Binge

Did you ever wonder what a hundred patty cheese burger would look like? Well wonder no more, here it is.

Just looking at this is enough for me not to have a burger for a while. Also I've never been a fan of processed cheese or American Cheese as they like to call it in America. These photos are enough for me to never eat processed cheese again.

Check out the link for all the carnage of it being eaten. Caution staring at these pictures for an extended period of time might cause chest pains and shortness of breath.

January 23, 2006

SnackShotz

"SnackShotz is a pellet-gun that fires dog-treats that your pup can chase and eat. The idea is to combat canine obesity by turning treats-time into exercise hour."

Yes the perfect product for the owner who's too damn fat and lazy to throw treats to their own over weight dog. At least one of you will be in shape.

Actually that's probably not even true the SnackShotz Treat Launcher fires a Disco treats about 15 feet. I'm not too sure how many calories are burned off in running 30 feet but I'm pretty sure it's significatly less than what's in a treat.

January 16, 2006

2 Year Old Summoned For Jury Duty

Kaylee Reynolds, a 2 year old from New Bedford, Mass. was recently summoned to report for Jury Duty. It appears that the error most likely occurred as a result of leaving the the date of birth box on a census form blank which results in a default date of July, 4 1776 being inserted instead.

You'd think that either being 229 years old or incapable of filling out a census form correctly would automaticaly dismiss you out of the pool of potential canidates.

I can't think of anything better than having the life or freedom of a person hang in the balance of 12 people who while filling out their census forms when asked for SEX, filled in YES PLEASE!.

January 13, 2006

Marvels of Science - Glow Pig

Scientists in Taiwan have combined genetic material from a jellyfish with an embyro of a pig. Do you know what this means? A horrible abomination the likes of which man has never seen and the few that have will never be the same again.

No, not at all.

They've created pigs that glow in the dark. Do you know what this means for science? What kind of advances they can make with this sort of tool? The research that can be done using glow in the dark stem cells?

No!

Me either...All I know is I'm done with that crappy old non glow in the dark bacon!

December 23, 2005

Bad Idea

Boxing Day or Boxing Week which its become in recent years (mainly due to fines received by stores by opening on a Statutory Holiday) is the equivalant to Black Friday (the Friday the follows the American Thanksgiving) in the States where stores offer door crashers that cause people to go mental and trample each other so they can save $20.

The newspaper ads for Boxing Day have started to fill my mail slot out the front of the house. Is it just me or does the above, this week's flyer from Sportmart seem like a bad choice of words because nothing says Happy Holidays like a Massacre!!!

December 14, 2005

Cocaine Cola

Behold Coca Sek - Cola made from the coca leaf; the raw coca leaf that is refined into cocaine. Sadly the export of raw coca is illegal so if you want to try some Coca Sek you're going to have to go to Columbia to get it.

The soda looks like apple cider, has a tea-like fragrance and tastes vaguely like a cross between 7-Up and ginger ale. The physical effect of drinking it — even after several bottles — is minimal. “It’s an energizing drink,” Curtidor said. “It’s like coffee since it is lightly stimulating.”

You'd think they could've added some artificial colouring and gone for something a little more appetizing than the colour of urine.

December 8, 2005

Wake up Angry Every Morning

There's nothing worse than a fly or a mosquito buzzing around your head when you're trying to sleep. Now thanks to Ena Macana and his Blowfly Alarm Clock you can wake up to this every morning.

Set the time on its base and leave the Blowfly there. When the alarm activates, it spins a propeller and flies up above you making ridiculous noises. The only way to stop it is to wake up, grab it, and set it back down in its docking station

December 7, 2005

Chia Cat Grass

For the first time in a long time I watched some NFL on Sunday and I saw a couple of amusing commercials. The first was some sleeping pill that has a side effect that ‘may cause drowsiness’. What are they trying to say, if you take this product you may become drowsy but you still won’t be unable to fall asleep. Or are they saying you can take these pills and they might make you sleepy or they may not. Actual the whole product is really just a placebo and they'll just take the suckers as they come. Either way this is absolutely unacceptable, this drug should be pulled from the market until they can safely say, ‘this product will cause unconsciousness’.

By far my favorite was Chia Cat Grass. It’s Grass, and it’s for your cat...to eat. People why don’t you own this already? Don’t know why you should get one for your cat, here are the listed benefits.

Provides essential vitamins and folic acids - Well that sounds good, but c’mon Fruit Loops have 8 essential vitamins and folic acid and I’m pretty sure they’ll rot your teeth right out of your head in no time.

Aides in digestions by increasing roughage - Ha ha roughage! I’ve always found that word funny. Nothing's worse than seeing a cat walking around with turtle head poking out.

Assists in removing hairballs - I’m not following the logic here. Does eating the grass cut down on a cat’s hairball production? Are you supposed to turn it upside down and use the grass like a broom and it ‘assists’ you in sweeping it up. Or does the cat just cough up a hair ball in the grass and it’s a case of out-of-sight, out-of-mind.

Keeps cats away from hazardous houseplants - Okay I’ll give you that one but if your cat’s developed an unhealthy relationship with the cactus in the corner you’re just going to have to accept the fact that your cat is not long for this world.

Organic and pesticide free - Organic and pesticide free, that’s not really a benefit so much as it is a good idea when you’re selling something an animal is going to eat.

Satisfies their natural cravings for grass - Are you saying that all cats are potheads? That would explain why my cat is always insisting we watch Spaceballs and eat brownies.

Helps freshen breath - In my opinion any animal that has the ability to lick its own genitals should posses the ability to use a toothbrush. Why don't I ever get calls from those telemarketers, "Hello Mr. Bannon we're currently raising funds for research that would genetically alter animals so that they can brush their own teeth. Would you be interested in making a donation?" Hell yes!

November 21, 2005

Paper Work

Sometimes at work when I'm designing (drafting) some equipment and I'm having trouble trying to figure out if all my parts/views are drawn correctly or if there's a possible interference (because I still work in 2D!) I print out a scale copy of the parts and put them together to check.

November 11, 2005

Oh what a Sheltered Life I've Led.

As far as I know in Canada (or at least Ontario) if you want something that tastes like Dr. Pepper you have a choice between Dr. Pepper and Diet Dr. Pepper. There's no cheap knockoffs or imitators. In my limited travels to the states I came across Mr. Pibb which is Coca-Cola's answer to Dr. Pepper, I tried it and didn't think much of it. I was always surprised that there weren't more cheap knockoffs.

Matt Preston (via. Ryan North) has totally exposed the sheltered life I've been living. He's found and ranked over a hundred different varieties of Dr. Pepper knockoffs. Here are some my favourite names:

November 7, 2005

Death by Cola

I don't consider myself a caffeine fiend, I don't drink coffee and if I drink pop it's usually 7-up (clear pop is caffeine free).

Energy fiend has got a nice little time killer that answers the question, "How many Mountain Dews would I have to drink to kill myself?". I ran through a few drinks just to see what it would take to put me down:

October 28, 2005

Mmmm…Simulated People Meat - HUFU

I usually don’t stay up to watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, I usually PVR it and watch it the next day. I saw that Harriet Miers had backed out of her Supreme Court nomination and I wanted to see if the news broke in time for the daily show to tear it to shreds. It did and they as usual did a great job covering it. The bonus was the Samantha Bee interview with Hufu creator Mark Nuckols.

What is Hufu?

Hufu is designed to resemble, as humanly possible, the taste and texture of human flesh. If you've never had human flesh before, think of the taste and texture of beef, except a little sweeter in taste and a little softer in texture. Contrary to popular belief, people do not taste like pork or chicken.

You have to check out this site. It’s for real and it’s so twisted.

Hufu - For that Cannibal in you who's too scared to go out and murder someone and eat their flesh.

October 25, 2005

Hollywood Beggars Arrested

Last month when I was in California we went to Hollywood to see the sites. We walked up and down the walk of fame, saw Grauman’s Chinese Theater and Sony Theater (where the Oscars are now held) and it was a total dump. In front of the theaters there were all kinds of people dressed up in costumes resembling movie characters ranging from pretty decent to that teenager who just throws on a rubber mask and demands candy on halloween. They're essentially just beggars so I was happy to read about this:

A man dressed as the character was one of three impersonators arrested last week for allegedly harassing tourists for tips after posing for photos on Hollywood Boulevard. Booked with him were people impersonating superhero Mr. Incredible and the dark-hooded character from the horror movie “Scream.”

Once they get rid of them all it wil make parents job's a little easier avioding the possiblity of trying to explain to their kids when they see Shrek in the food court taking a smoke break and trying to pick up Cookie Monster.

October 21, 2005

I'm gonna bust a cap in that pig's ass

Diane Johnson of Florida found a bullet in her pork loin roast she bought from Publix. It's unclear how the bullet got in the pig or how it wasn't detected before being put on the shelves.

Here's how I think it happened. I'm guessing since pig's are gassed and not shot this rules out a slaughter house stray. The pig was originally from Wisconsin so it's not likely it was victim of a drive by shooting or the work of some bored drunk teens.

That only leaves one possible explanation, botched suicide attempt by the pig. Pigs are very smart and this pig probably had figured out it's final destination long before it was scheduled. Using prize money accumulated by touring the county fair pig racing circuit, the pig was able to purchase a fire arm from a no questions asked gun dealer but lacking opposable thumbs which are essential to operating a fire arm effectively the overall goal resulted in failure with only a minor flesh wound.

But how did the bullet stuffed roast land on the shelves?

All meat is scanned with a metal detector before reaching Publix shelves, said Dwaine Stevens, spokesman for the company in Florida.

I wonder what Publix's metal detectors are set at, that it wouldn't detect a bullet. Comparatively speaking a bullet is a fair size piece of metal in a roast. I'm guessing that they had to turn down the sensitivity because the mercury filled fish kept setting it off.

October 18, 2005

The Tea Party's over....finally.

Today Jim Morrison umm… sorry I mean Jeff Martin announced that the Tea Party are done. Let me pause for a moment of silence….. yep I was right. It’s faint but if you listen you can hear the sound of no one caring.

The Tea Party may be finished but that's not the end of Jeff Martin. He's got a new acoustic record coming out this winter (pausing again)...yep it sounds slightly different from the sound of “no one cares that you’re breaking up”. It’s a little less faint, it's an actual sucking sound. The sound becomes increasingly louder and louder with each solo release. For example anyone within a ten foot radius of Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins has to shout because the sucking has become so loud.

October 3, 2005

That New Car Smell - Actually Toxic

If there isn't going to be a new car smell anymore I think they should replace it with something else. My vote would be for fresh leather...even if the car is upholstered. If everyone doesn't love the factory standard smell of fresh leather they can opt for the upgrade from the following List.

1. Fruit bouquet - Mmm...Fresh peaches and strawberries.
2. A Summer's Day - Everyday is summer in your new car.
3. The Eastern European - The smell of the old country, more acurately the smell of an old man who showers a little more than your average cat.
4. Chocolate - Can't beat the smell of chocolate, is your seatbelt tight? my seatbelt's tight.
5. Fast Food - It smells like you've just come through the drive- thru - available in Taco Bell, Mc Donalds or Curry-in-a-Hurry.

Japanese Mafia Responsible for Hurricanes

Scientist have discredited Stevens by stating "C'mon, He's a weatherman!"

*By saying "I knew it" I actually meant, I'm not surprised to see someone coming up with some ridiculous theory and not settling for the cut and dry case of neglect and poor planning that resulted in the devastation.

September 21, 2005

Finally a reason to visit Italy

August 31, 2005

iPod - Apple Did You Patten Anything?

I think someone at Apple should have been paying closer attention to the guy who they sent out to file the patents when he mentioned how bizarrely similar the patent office looked like your average Starbucks. It would also explain why every time he would call back to the office wanting to know wether they wanted it filed under "solo", "venti", or "grande" and why he always came back with the best complimentary coffee anyone had ever tasted.

Apple has failed to patten another part of possibly one of the most intuitive pieces of hardware ever created. This time Creative Technology is challenging Apple's navigation technology used on the iPod.

August 30, 2005

World's oldest person dies

Hendrikje van Andel-Schipper of the Netherlands died yesterday at the age of 115. She was the world’s record holder for oldest living person. Guiness has since stripped her of her title and has handed it over to Elizabeth Bolden, 115, of Tennessee. Andel-Schipper could not be reached for comment.

August 11, 2005

Punch a Redhead

Scientists in London have discovered that redheads feel less pain then people with blonde and brunette hair. So if you see someone with red hair as you pass them on the street go ahead and give them your best shot. They won't feel anything.

If it's a dye job don't feel any remorse as they drop to their knees because they deserve it for pertending to be better than everyone else anyways.