Wednesday, December 29, 2010

today *UPDATED*

..at my post-opt appointment I find out if my body will be able to hold another pregnancy. To say I am nervous is a understatement. But, at the same time I feel like I'm being selfish since I was already blessed with hold one little miracle til term. I am praying I will be able to have just one more. If not though, I know I am truly blessed with the one I was able to have. I know there is so many that can't even say that. Wish me luck! prayers accepted :)

**UPDATE**
It seems as though GOD is only granting me one miracle in this lifetime. I will have to find the strength to be ok with that.

From what I can remember of my appt, I kinda blacked out after he started talking, he did the exam; & my tissue still seems to be deteriorating. He said it could just seem very weak because my estrogen levels aren't back to normal. But even then it is so weak the chances of me holding another would be slim. He tried making light of the situation asking if I really wanted to go through all I did last time again, which is a ridiculous question if you ask me. I would in heartbeat. He said right now would be prime time for us to try again, my fertility should be tip-top depending if my body starts to ovulate again (here we go again cycles & charts. temping & OPKS). But, there is a strong possibility of miscarrying.

I don't think a) I can handle another, I know I have only had 2, & many women I know have more than that. b) be selfish enough to try & lose the pregnancy knowing there is a strong possibility of it happening.

This was such a strong pill to swallow yesterday. All Brandon talks about is trying again & shooting for our boy. & just hours after to finding out I find myself once again being smug at all of those women getting pregnant on accident & trying for a month. How does this come again so fast when I should be thankful for the little miracle I already have? I feel so awful from my non-happiness attitude for those of whom are getting to experience this wonderful thing. Does this make me a horrible person? [by the way if you did conceive on accident or within a month there is nothing wrong with that]

Anyway, I go back in April to check for sure if my tissue is "done-zo". Brandon keeps telling me if so, we can just spoil the crap outta Kennedy. Which of course, if comes down to it; I will love to. But, I never imagined myself with just one child.But then again, I never imagined myself having miscarriages. I never imagined myself having such a hard time to get that one child & that child being my only. So this selfish momma, will probally cry alittle [who am i kidding BAWL MY EYES OUT] but in the end I got my miracle; she is gorgeous, amazing, beautiful, & currently cooing next to me with this biggest gummy smile ever. & that, will be good enough for me. :)

& plus why do I gotta hog more than one miracle in a lifetime, hopefully GOD will pass it on to YOU!