"The Biggest Loser" Season 12 Week 11 recap: The Eagle still flies

Jen Wielgus @jenwielgus

Tuesday

Nov 29, 2011 at 12:01 AMNov 29, 2011 at 10:00 PM

Oh, boy. You guys are in trouble. Especially those of you who don't like sports and came here expecting a Joan Rivers Fashion Police Report (sans Botox). Because you're about to get rah-rah, sis-boom-bahed into oblivion by a former newspaper sportswriter who still thinks she's an athlete (sans any meaningful victories or championships of any sort).

My competitive spirit is raging after what I just witnessed on "The Biggest Loser"!

I've spent the last 11 weeks gradually forgetting the fact that Antone Davis, one of the top contestants since the start of Season 12, is a former NFL player -- and a former Philadelphia Eagle at that. But after his competitors chose to keep him in the game -- keep him in the Final Four -- because he pushes them, instead of doing the traditional reality show send-off of "the biggest threat," when they're all two weeks from a possible $250,000 payoff, I am ready to stiff-arm someone to the turf from pure excitement.

I just looked around and realized I'm all alone in the room. My husband went to bed. Damn. Maybe I'll pretend the coffee table is a blocking sled. After I get done writing this recap. Which I am now racing to do.

The Final Four could have been Vinny, John and two women who don't stand a chance at the grand prize. No offense to Becky and Sunny, who looked gorgeous and radiant Tuesday and made me cry and bladee blooodee blah blah, but it's true. Instead, it's John and Antone and Vinny -- Clash of the Titans, and Crowd Favorite -- and Becky, who deserves extra credit because she tossed her roommate to keep a titan.

She said she wanted Sunny to win the at-home prize, knowing "how much that means to a fellow teacher." Nice. 'Nuff said.

Even more shocking was John's vote. He said he kept Antone "because maybe I have something to prove," and I can't tell you how much I respect that. He did the same thing last week when he voted to keep Ramon instead of Sunny. The guy might be hard to warm up to, and lord knows what he had against poor Sunny (if you're good, this will be the last time I bring up the "poo" comment), but he's proven he is NOT afraid of working hard and NOT just going to take the easiest path to his goal.

John, my man, I know we've had a rough relationship. But you really need to come work out at my CrossFit box sometime. You're what we in the business call a "firebreather." Or, someone with an almost superhuman "engine" and desire to keep going. Someone who forces everyone around him/her to find another gear.

I like to think I'm one, too. But I'll tell 'ya, if I was that close to 250 grand and had the chance to axe an Eagle on my way there...well, let's just say I'm poor and I'm a Chicago fan living in Philly. Maybe that's where most of my stiff-arm aggression comes from.

My hubby roots for the Eagles. He's lucky he's in bed. Maybe if he's good, I'll bring him an Antone autograph from the Dec. 13 finale...with confetti stuck in the wet Sharpie scrawl.

That brings me to my favorite Antone quote of the night: "I'm 44 years old, and I would love to kick y'all's butt." Boom! Those "y'all's" might be sorry they bent over.

WEIGH-IN: John lost 9 (305 to 296), which means he didn't even need the one-pound advantage he won in the "Put the Weight Back On" Challenge; Antone lost 8 (331 to 323); Becky lost 5 (177 to 172); Sunny lost 1 (202 to 201); and Vinny lost 10 (324 to 314).

CHALLENGE: An old favorite, the "Put the Weight Back On" race, with the prize being a one-pound weigh-in advantage. This year they raced up a mountain, and the weight was in the form of vests and anklets and little cartridges which were dispersed around their bodies.

Guess they learned from the Golf Bags from Hell episode last year, huh, Season 11ers?

Anyway, John trailed Antone the entire race but passed him in the last, oh, 10 yards. Which reminded me of watching an Eagles game in the fourth quarter. Rimshot!

And now, for the Makeover Week Bloggy Awards (brought to you by "The Soup.") ...Which is a joke about the fact Makeover Week was sponsored by Progresso, and also a nod to one of the funniest shows on TV. I'll try to reference as many "Soup" segments as I can. (Sorry, couldn't find anything to fit under "Oprah's Vajayjay.")

Cougar Town Award: Becky, although I think her makeover dress technically was leopard print -- Jeannie Mai, going a little "Jerseylicious" -- and I think she looked more like a babe in the woods than a cougar when reunited with her much older-looking husband.

"Chicks, Man" Award: Vinny, who implied that his girlfriend Lori saved his life. He told her that despite all his success as a singer and all the friends and all the parties he threw, "I didn't care if I was was alive or not until I met you." Spoiler alert: He's proposing to Lori next week on the show, as was revealed in the promos.

Now that the serious part is out of the way...cue the David Cook.

"What The Kids Are Watching" Award: Stylist Jeannie Mai, who sounded like one of my high school classmates with all her outdated catchphrases. Outdated, meaning, hideous like Aqua Net Hairspray-ed bangs. "The bomb dot com"? "Raise the roof"? "Cray cray"? "I'm over your overalls"? "Boo hoo to black and blue"? "You are smashin' in fashion"? Those last two were so bad not even a '90s high school poser would have spouted them.

Mankini Award (for bad fashion): Vinny, who lost the overalls but still managed to get out of Jeannie's grasp with a straw fedora. Honestly, that's all I have, folks. The makeovers looked good, overall.

Time for gratuitous Mankini clip!

"Let's Take Some E!" Award: Sunny, who sounded a bit like a reality show airhead when she squealed (right after Ali Sweeney's big Progresso push), "I love soup and money!" And as if that wasn't enough, she added, "Who has two thumbs and loves soup and money? This girl!" Yeah. On second thought, all those Jeannie Mai-isms sound positively brilliant compared to that one.

Speaking of sillyspeak...

Quotes of the Week (or, "Chat Stew"): "I don't have a look." John, about to get one.

"When they said 'caviar wrap,' I thought it was a sandwich." -- Antone, about to get a spa treatment.

"You take my dadgum breath away." -- Becky's husband, JC, seeing her again for the first time.

"She was the person who was watching me die slowly, and now, she sees me 100 percent alive." -- Antone, on his wife, Carrie. That statement now works on multiple levels, considering he's still alive on the show. Did I mention I'm happy about that? Gahhhh, it's almost time to push my table sled!!

"He took a while to wake up, but once he woke up, he's been on a fast train." -- Bob, complimenting Vinny and inspiring me to start humming old-school Tracy Chapman. Which is kind of dumb, because that song was called "Fast Car."

"You have to promise me you're going to go home and get a national ranking!" -- Anna, to Sunny, who likes to play tennis and took a shine to it again on the ranch (as if she had a choice!) Um, yeah, national ranking coming right up, Anna! Did you see Sunny's daily schedule during the Transformation Sequence at the end? Hey, since you're now out of a job -- gasp! I just realized this! -- how about you come to Frisco and be Sunny and her hubby Blake's private coach?

"Maybe I have something to prove." -- John, explaining why he didn't vote off Antone and setting the stage for an EPIC BATTLE. I'm imagining Harry Kalas saying that in an NFL Film narration. RIP, Harry.

"The game has gotten to the point where everyone's going to make a mad dash for the $250,000." -- Antone, prior to Tuesday's elimination, but I think it's much more true now. Considering there's a big race coming up next week.

Game time! HUAH!

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