Wednesday, December 14, 2011

AHOY me mateys! On my way to rape and pillage the local supermarket, what does my single eyed telescope behold in it's sights? The Cap'n's latest venture in the golden land of milk and cereal.

Looking upon a picture of this glorious box and all of the beautiful promises it holds within, would make any One-Eyed Salty Sea Dog stand at the helm, hoist the mizzenmast, and steer his wooden water steed into the front doors of any market that claims to have such a treasure. It was found, buried in an island of bland cereal options, and boxes of Kashi dirt.

The welcoming gesture of the Cap'n shows that he has one hand out, welcoming you to "Come! Eat and be merry!" but little did you know, clutched in his little hand just out of view, was a knife, waiting to be plunged deep into your back.

oh cool brown Capn Crunch

why's this remind me of Armageddon?

So! Diving into this I was excited. And figured, if the Cap'n can pull off one of the best cereals in history with peanut butter, how could he possibly go wrong with chocolate? Well he did. What the slimy cocksucker decided to do was just repackage his boring regular Cap'N Crunch cereal, and sprinkle a tiny bit of bakers chocolate in the mix. It was basically a piece of puffed rice and oat or whatever the hell it is, and a gross non sweetened chocolate aftertaste.

And you're like "JOSH BRO! it can't be that much of a let down can it?" yep, it is. it's so much of a let down that it barely even turns the color of the milk. It just delivers that same gross chocolate taste the cereal has but it's so far away it takes 10 minutes to show up.

Irwin is so disappointed in the Capn he can't even look him in the eye.

Ok, It's not THAT bad, but it's by far the worst of all the chocolate cereals on the market today. I'd even go with a CHOCO PUFFED RICE generic bag of cereal before purchasing another box of this chocolate treachery. I'll never give the Cap'n the benefit of the doubt again either. That smug doe eyed look of happiness is just a lure to pocket your hard earned doubloons, steal your silver, and rape your wife.

I give this venture into horseshit an
F
for knowing you can do better, but you just gave the F up.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

This week, while checking out the holiday candy section at Target, we stumbled upon THESE...

Cinnamon M&M's? Sounds Gross...

At first I was like, "WHOA NEW M&M's!" But then I took a moment to let it sink in and said. "Ugh, Cinnamon? Really?"

But with a sigh, I tossed them into the cart, knowing the the score of FATGUYFOODBLOG fans would be wanting to know how these were. But I had no doubt in my mind that they were going to be gross.

But here's the thing...I was wrong.

See, I was expecting it to taste like a candy shell surrounding a stick of BIG RED gum. That gross, fake, chemical cinnamon taste that nobody on earth really likes. The one that burns your tongue a little bit and just makes you regret ever opening your mouth. I figured it would be the M&M version of that.

Turns out, THEY DON'T SUCK!

But they aren't. They are big like Pretzel M&M's, and they only come in brown and red colors. At first they taste like a big, plain M&M. But then as the chocolate is melting in your mouth (Not in your hand), your taste buds perk up and detect something different. It's a splendid, subtle cinnamon flavor. Kind of like if you dropped some M&M's on a Cinnamon Roll and then scooped them off with some of that cinnamon roll goop on them and ate them. The candy shell shatters, makes way for chocolate and then...a great little burst of cinnamon.

This was a pleasant surprise. There are very few times I am this certain that a snack is going to suck, only to have it completely turn me around.

This holiday season when you are going to fill your candy dish with something sweet, perhaps this time you will take a chance and let your guests try these. Go for it. They are pretty darn good.