Dispatches from the Control Room – December 13

* Remember my arch nemesis producer Jim? He called in sick today. Suspicious, since we’re all having to stay late to train on our new control room system. Where’s Jim? I bet he’s just sitting at home, eating last week’s leftover victory donuts and drinking gin. Can we drug test that guy? I don’t buy his excuse.

* Some lady named Jakki commented on this blog and a few people at the station went into a tizzy about it. She wants me to pose in a Speedo in a bid to overthrow my bachelorhood. Zoraida approves of this idea. But seriously, people, me in a Speedo would look like Chewbacca wearing nothing but a strategically-placed eye patch.

Jakki also suggested an “AM Dating Game” to help me land a woman. Do I really want to date someone who watches the news at 4:30 a.m.? Methinks the only people watching at this hour are prisoners who lost their remote control priveleges when they shanked a guard.

* If you’d like my coworkers to bug me all morning with your ridiculous ideas, leave a comment below. People here are desperate to know that anyone pays attention to us.

Hmmm… shout-outs. That reminds me of the last place I worked. My boss held a gun to my head and forced me to add a feature called “Friday Shout-Outs.” Viewers could send in a message, and our anchors would read it on the air. One morning, we literally had one of our anchors read somebody’s announcement of a neighborhood bake sale. Yeah, that’s why I moved to Chicago. I wanted to watch millionaires read a congratulatory shout-out from Pookie to Ray-Ray on his parole. That’s Journalism 101.

* Ike Turner died yesterday. Wonder if papa will get a rolling tombstone…

* One of the stories we didn’t have time for today: glow-in-the-dark cats. As someone who’s allergic, I highly approve of this development. This would prevent cats from sneaking up on me in the dark and showering me with dander.

* Executive Producer Wendy gave us $50 for pizza tomorrow. One more morning of pizza and I am going to propose. (I’m like a customer loyalty punch card. Free marriage proposal with four pizza purchases. Speedo not included.)

* Improv Alert: Tonight is my team’s last show of 2007. Just five bucks for an hour of entertainment. Swing by the i.O. Theater (3541 N. Clark) at 10:30 p.m. and go to the upstairs theater. More info here. I play with the mighty Whiskey Rebellion.