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I feel like an idiot .. he's been having a long-term affair .. with another friend. I can't do the R ... so it's going to be the D. I live in Delaware, am a military (retired) spouse ... have my 20/20 in ... but need some advice.

Hey Bab, welcome to D/S where we help you to lace up your bitch boots and remind you to be gentle with yourself. (not a lot of traffic here on the weekend). I assume you are familiar with the ICR military spouses thread...?

You mentioned custody in one of your posts. Start noting the girls activities on the calendar, or in a journal - who brings them? runs them around? takes them to doctors appointments? etc... And be sure you have copies of all financial documents secured, (mortgage, insurances, Ira's, retirement, investments) get a credit card in your own name, and some emergency money in a separate account or cash, before you confront and mention D. Most people advise you take half the money from the joint account. There is really no way to predict exactly how the WS will respond - but the label "entitled ass" typically fits.

Along with those bitch boots I'm highly recommending a long leather trench coat as protection from the bs likely to start flying. Think "The Matrix" you've taken the red pill - fits the situation (mine too). And if you are a movie fan - a reminder of the scene where Neo hold up his hand and says "No" the bullets, freeze and fall harmlessly to the ground. Here we call that NC. NC = No new hurts.

One more thing. A decision to D doesn't end the pain, anymore than a decision to R - it is a step on the path with its own stresses. Appreciate the good days, ride out the bad. It does get better with time: When you are going through hell - keep going!

(((Bab61))) We got your back.
Take2

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4321 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England

BAB61♀ 41181Member # 41181

Posted: 9:25 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013

Thanks Take2, that helps. I am not familiar with ICR spouses thread, here on SI? I already did the checking account with my name only, and still on the joint account. Damn, this really does suck .. didn't sleep a wink last night .. hopefully I can tonight.

Okay, referring to the I Can Relate Forum (up a few lines from Divorce/Separation.) On page one there is a Affair during deployment thread... but I'm pretty sure I've seen one for military spouses too - so move through the pages. They are all different and target specific issues - including "found out years later"...

I remember the lack of sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't focus, walked around like a zombie...

It gets better - promise!

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4321 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England

careerlady♀ 16958Member # 16958

Posted: 10:42 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013

((BAB61))
Welcome to the beginning of the rest of your life. I heard the other side of the tunnel is great!