Dark & Stormy

You don’t order a Dark & Stormy at the Hollywood Casino bar in Maryland Heights, Missouri.

If you do, the bartender will first turn his head to the right, point his ear at you. I didn’t catch that.

"A Dark & Stormy," you’ll say, this time leaning forward with your head tilted up a little, your jaw out, like you’re trying to catch a piece of popcorn being thrown from across the room (it should be noted that this is not the oddest gesture a human being will make during the course of a night at the Hollywood Casino in Maryland Heights, Missouri).

Now the bartender will tuck his hand behind his ear and crane his neck over the bar toward you like a brachiosaurus in 3-D.

At this point you will give up. “Rum and ginger beer?” You might even make that twirling gesture with your finger to indicate that you’d like the two things you just mentioned combined together in a single drink.

The bartender will nod and begin to mix your drink, and that’s when you’ll start to realize that you shouldn’t have ordered it. You’ll look down the bar to your right and see the guy with the dark mullet aggressively punching the keys of the video poker machine in front of him. You’ll look straight across at the very drunk couple that reminds you of Nicholas Cage and his co-star in every movie where Nicholas Cage has ever had a female co-star. You’ll look at the bartender and he will just shake his head, knowingly, and that’s when you’ll realize that don’t want to be at this bar, even if it’s the only thing open at this hour in the Hollywood Casino in Maryland Heights, Missouri.