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Wednesday, April 16, 2014

MLB Biker Gang

One of my
favorite things to do when watching a baseball game is look a player’s physical
appearance and personality and decide what else they could possibly be
doing. For instance, I imagine Joe Mauer
being one of those kids in class that doesn’t say much, sits in the front,
doesn’t say a word, never acknowledges anyone, won’t carry on any type of
conversation with you and always ends up pulling an A. One of the most common things I think about
random big leaguers is that they would fit right in in a biker gang. Beards, questionable tattoos, intimidation,
bad haircuts. That screams biker gang to
me. That being said, I really don’t know
how one operates. I had a dirtbike when I
was a kid that I rode maybe 20 times and I’ve never seen an episode of Sons of
Anarchy. So I’m just going to wing it.

Adam Lind—Just
look at that facial hair, shaved head combo.
He looks like a skinhead. I’m not
saying he’s moonlighting as a member of Hell’s Angels, but I’m not saying he’s
not. That guy looks like he would be
absolutely ruthless on a Fatboy, just revving that engine right in everyone’s
fucking face.

Jonny Gomes—Going
with anyone on the 2013 “Bearded Brothers” Red Sox team is kind of a copout,
but you can’t not mention him on a list like this. You absolutely would not want to be on the
wrong side of this guy in a biker brawl, and he definitely owns at least 6
leather vests and pairs of assless chaps.

Jayson Werth—He’s
a doppelganger for one of the most famous pro wrestlers of all time (for those
of you who didn’t watch wrestling every week from ages 9-13, I’m talking about
HHH) and has one of the most masculine beards in the history of baseball. This guy rolls up to you on his hog with a beard
like that and kindly requests to join the gang, you don’t even have to initiate
him; he is more than qualified.

Jon Rauch—Every
gang needs an intimidating presence. An
enforcer, if you will. And since he
presumably won’t be doing his enforcing with his 88 mile per hour fastball, he
would be a pretty good one. Imagine a
biker bar. Two gangs, no love lost. You can cut the tension with a knife. And then Rauch stands up from his stool, all
6 foot 10 of him, with his neck tattoo and all-around axe murderer look—“You
got a problem?” I completely made this
situation up out of thin air, I’m intimidated.

Yasiel Puig—He’s
not someone you would immediately think of when putting together a badass biker
gang, but he meets all the criteria.
Batshit crazy, built like a Depression-era brick government building,
pulled over going 110 MPH with his mother in the passenger seat (!!!!!!). No rival gang wants to fuck with this crazy.

Mark McGwire—Every
biker gang needs the elder statesman.
The one all the younger bikers look up to. You know he’s been through a few wars. Broken a few beer bottles over motherfuckers’
heads. But now, he’s the voice of reason. The old sage.
He’s no Jon Rauch, but he once hit 70 dingers, and still employs a
goatee that COMMANDS respect.

Dustin Ackley—His
stature and demeanor on the field scream “henchman” to me. He just seems like the kind of biker gang
member, based solely on looks, that would absolutely be down to get super
illegal with his activities. Anything
for the boys, anything for the boss. I
can see him being hyper all the time, always scheming the next heist, always
knowing what the rival gang is up to, and most importantly, always ALWAYS being
the first guy to agree with the leader.

Bryce Harper—Every
gang needs the up and comer. The guy
poised to take over when the boss steps down.
Harper is that guy. He’s been a
phenom his whole life. Ok, now I know
what you’re thinking to yourself. He’s
Mormon. He got mad when a reporter asked
if he was going to drink in Canada. I
hear all that. And my counter is that
this is my blog, and if I want to imagine Bryce Harper being the top biker gang
leader prospect on the board, I can do that.
And I am. He’s young, sure. But every biker bar he walks into, he
commands respect. He oozes confidence
out of every one of his pores. He
already has questionable tattoos. That’s
a future ringleader of a badass biker gang if I’ve ever seen one.

Josh
Donaldson—He looks intense. He looks
intimidating. He looks like an
asshole. He has a HORSESHIT
haircut. Donaldson could absolutely fill
the role alongside Puig of being a straight up loose cannon out there on a hog,
even in the context of bikers. I can picture
him in the middle of a brawl at some bar with 50 Harleys parked outside and
sawdust on the floor, and that’s really all you need.