Post by johncc on Jan 31, 2017 1:42:10 GMT -5

Dear Agent,

I hope you might be interested in STARBALL, a 62,000 word humorous and heartfelt middle-grade novel about love and baseball set in the 1950s. STARBALL will appeal to fans of DEAD END IN NORVELT by Jack Gantos, and Gary Schmidt’s OKAY FOR NOW.

Thirteen-year-old Eugene Robbins is over the moon for his brother’s girlfriend, sixteen-year-old Mattie Johnson. He’s sure she’d notice him if only he could play baseball like his all-star brother. Poor Eugene couldn’t connect with a baseball if it crawled up to his bat and begged to be hit, but he gets an assist from thirteen-year-old twin brothers in the 23rd century, who open a time portal high over second base (it was their eighth-grade science fair project) and send Eugene baseballs that respond to his mental commands.

He becomes a star by using the “magic” baseballs to hit more homers than Babe Ruth, but then Mattie figures out the deception. When his brother treats him like a bug crawling in the dirt for pulling such a stupid stunt and for loving Mattie in the first place, Eugene rats him out for kissing another girl. Mattie shuns Eugene’s brother and goes swimming with friends, where she contracts a terminal form of polio. Now Eugene feels even lower than bugs, thinking the polio is his fault, and asks the twins for help. They can cure Mattie, so Eugene takes on the terrifying and seemingly impossible task of breaking her out of the polio ward and taking her through the time portal into a distant, unknown future.

Post by ssteig on Jan 31, 2017 8:48:56 GMT -5

Hi John, Love and baseball! America at its best:-) This has some really interesting ingredients--time travel, sibling relationships, coming of age! Wow! You've also got some nice voice going on here--Eugene couldn't connect with a baseball if it crawled up to his bat:-) You haven't beaten us over the head with the stakes, yet they are clear to me. All-in-all I don't have a lot to critique here. Maybe add a bio! Best wishes!!

Post by margoowen on Jan 31, 2017 14:03:46 GMT -5

Fun stuff going on here especially for baseball fans--unique too!

Dear Agent,

I hope you might(or you'll) be interested in STARBALL, a 62,000 word humorous and heartfelt middle-grade novel about love and baseball set in the 1950s. STARBALL will appeal to fans of DEAD END IN NORVELT by Jack Gantos, and Gary Schmidt’s OKAY FOR NOW. I'd move this to the end of your query followed by a short bio.

Thirteen-year-old Eugene Robbins is over the moon for his brother’s girlfriend, sixteen-year-old Mattie Johnson. He’s sure she’d notice him if only he could play baseball like his all-star brother. Poor Eugene couldn’t connect with a baseball if it crawled up to his bat and begged to be hit, Gah! Love. Separate these two sentences and let the comedic sentence be on its ownbutHe he gets an unexpected assist from thirteen-year-old twin brothers in the 23rd century, who open a time portal high over second base (it was their eighth-grade science fair project) Your call--but the science project is unnecessary and is either 2nd base or time portal?? and there, send Eugene baseballs that respond to his mental commands.

He Soon, Eugene becomes a star player by using the “magic” baseballs to hit more homers than Babe Ruth,cliche but then Mattie figures out the deception. When his brother treats himlike a bug crawling in the dirt for pulling such a stupid stunt and for loving Mattie in the first place, put in ( ) or --hyphenated--Eugene rats him out for kissing another girl. Mattie shuns Eugene’s brother and goes swimming with friends, where she contracts a terminal form of polio. Whoa! Did not see that coming. Now Eugene feels even lower than bugs, with your sense of humor, I think you could find something stronger/different thinking the polio is his fault, and asks the twins for help. They can cure Mattie, BUT -- This is a good place for the stakes.* With that in mind,so Eugene takes on the terrifying and seemingly impossible task of breaking her out of the polio ward and taking her through the time portal into a distant, unknownuncertain/unknowable future.

* Maybe the stakes are that he might not return? Or, that he'll return as an old man?

Post by taracreel on Jan 31, 2017 16:04:07 GMT -5

I hope you might be interested in STARBALL, a 62,000 word humorous and heartfelt middle-grade novel about love and baseball set in the 1950s. STARBALL will appeal to fans of DEAD END IN NORVELT by Jack Gantos, and Gary Schmidt’s OKAY FOR NOW.

Thirteen-year-old Eugene Robbins is over the moon for his brother’s girlfriend, sixteen-year-old Mattie Johnson. He’s sure she’d notice him if only he could play baseball like his all-star brother. Poor Eugene couldn’t connect with a baseball if it crawled up to his bat and begged to be hit, but he gets an assist from thirteen-year-old twin brothers in the 23rd century, who open a time portal high over second base (it was their eighth-grade science fair project) and send Eugene baseballs that respond to his mental commands.

I think you have a lot of good elements here, overall it just feels a little scattered. I suggest a little rearranging?

Thirteen-year-old Eugene Robbins is in love with two things: baseball and his brother's girlfriend, Mattie. Too bad Mattie is sixteen and doesn't know he exists, and he couldn't connect with a baseball if it crawled up to his bad and begged to be hit.

Everything changes when thirteen-year-old twin brothers from the 23rd century appear out of a portal over second base and send Eugene baseballs that respond to his mental commands.

He becomes a star by using the “magic” baseballs to hit more homers than Babe Ruth, but then Mattie figures out the deception. When his brother treats him like a bug crawling in the dirt for pulling such a stupid stunt and for loving Mattie in the first place, Eugene rats him out for kissing another girl. Mattie shuns Eugene’s brother and goes swimming with friends, where she contracts a terminal form of polio. Now Eugene feels even lower than bugs, thinking the polio is his fault, and asks the twins for help. They can cure Mattie, so Eugene takes on the terrifying and seemingly impossible task of breaking her out of the polio ward and taking her through the time portal into a distant, unknown future.

Using these magic baseballs, he hits more homers than Babe Ruth and Mattie starts to notice him. Too bad she also figures out the deception. When Eugene's brother rubs dirt in the wound by repeatedly telling him what a fool he was to think he could have Mattie or baseball stardom, Eugene gets revenge by ratting out his brother for kissing another girl.

Mattie is so upset she ditches (can we know the brother's name? it's hard calling him brother this whole time) and goes swimming with friends. Eugene doesn't think he can feel worse until he finds out Mattie contracts a terminal form of polio while swimming.

Determined to fix things once and for all, Eugene teams up with the future twins to break Mattie out of the polio ward and into the time portal, hoping for a cure, and maybe the title of hero after all.

These are merely my suggestions for tightening and getting rid of redundancy. I think this is a fun idea and combines so many fun elements.

Post by Ninja Flash on Feb 4, 2017 15:30:49 GMT -5

I like the suggestions in this previous post for tightening and clarifying, but all in all, it's an engaging query and a unique story premise. I'm no longer acquiring from the slush pile, but if that were the case I would have requested manuscript pages. Best of luck!