Category Archives: Sports

I opened my computer today to find one of the most exciting news stories EVER…! No, it wasn’t the news that Iran and six world powers had actually made some progress in their discussions regarding Iran’s nuclear endeavors. And it wasn’t that the most popular car color in America is still SILVER, though that is very exciting and news worthy.

Whhhaaaaat?! Huuuuhhh?! Why does nothing cool like this ever happen to me or anyone I know?!

The baby boy was born in China with a rare condition doctors call, “Fetus in Fetu (FIF)”. I prefer the term,”Double-sided Commie Dildo” but that’s just me. The extra manhood bestowed upon this young one is a symbol of luck in the Chinese culture as the number TWO is thought to bring very good things… There is even an old Chinese saying, “good things come in pairs.” Yes, yes they do.

I was even more excited to discover that there are photos! The following may be graphic in nature, so if you have a weak stomach or, if you’re like any other woman in this world and tend to think the male genitalia is visually insulting and disturbing, prepare yourself…

The good news is, he just made the Reverse Cowboy a whole lot easier, he’s going to have more threesomes in his lifetime than Eric Dane and Senn Penn put together, and he’s Asian so he was probably going to need the extra help later in life anyway. God bless him.

Please send your favorite captions…this one is too good not to leave a comment.

A Saskatchewan Fisherman reeled in the world’s biggest trout from Lake Diefenbaker earlier this week. There is debate over whether or not the 48 pound Rainbow Trout should actually be granted the World Record or not as there are skeptics out there who believe the fish was in fact genetically engineered to grow to an abnormal size. I just want to say…

WHO THE FUCK CARES?

The real story here is the smokin’ HOT Canadian fisherman. Yes, I said “HOT Canadian”. Oxymoron? Yes. Under all normal circumstances. But normal these are not, and this was no mistake.

Even with that stupid light on his head and fish guts all over his Columbia Sportswear, he’s still a 10. Perhaps he was the one genetically engineered. Perhaps the Canadians have been genetically engineering the world’s hottest guys for years, hiding them in their backwoods territories, waiting for just the right moment to unleash them on the world’s supply of unsatisfied and horny women, in an effort to create genetically gifted, super hot babies with an affinity for the outdoors. Did anyone ever think to question that? No. They didn’t.

No one would ever expect good looking people to hail from Canada…our neutral, and historically inferior, neighbor to the North – a country who has given us Mike Meyers…

Seth Rogen…

Michael Cera…

…NOT one of whom I would ever grant sausage pocket privileges.

In all fairness, the Canucks did send Ryan Reynolds our way, but even he looks a little laden with Downs Sydrome every once in a while. The evidence has been proven time and again – Canada isn’t exactly breeding at a top-tier level…or so we thought. Well, cat’s out of the bag now and he’s just taken down a really big fish. It should be noted that this specimen of a fish hunter has a twin brother. What do you say to that?

I say come fishing in LA Mr. Canada…you’re bound to catch something. And if he can’t make it that far south, single ladies take note: Summer in Saskatchewan… It has a nice ring to it.

China seems to have thought of EVERYTHING – they extradited their troublemakers to Shanghai, had the small-handed children of Mongolia craft Chairman Mao Wristwatches, encouraged the Red Army to smile more and then some…For the past ten days, I have wished nothing more than to be Chinese. Yep, I said it.

Without further ado, here are the top ten reasons why these Olympics are the bees’ knees.

#10. This guy’s main purpose is to fire invisible laser beams into the sky, ‘seeding’ the clouds, making sure that the 2008 Olympic Athletes stay dry…With the exception of the athletes referred to in point #1. The Beijing Olympics will NEVER have to suffer through a summer rainstorm. I swear…Those Chinese think of EVERYTHING. Can I get a “what, what?” for my friend on the weather-ass-kicking nuke. God…? IS that you? You’re Asian!? I knew it all along!

#9. My parents went to the ’84 Olympics and all I got was a lousy t-shirt that read, “My Parent’s Went to the 1984 Olympics and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt.” I’m sure they thought it was VERY funny at the time. If only I was a 4-year-old girl, awaiting their return, now that the souvenirs are 100% first class…I am literally dying for a Coozie with Chairman Mao’s fat face on it.

#8. The Phelpster…And I’m not talking swimming prowess or a record breaking, eight gold medals – I’m talking about those size 14’s. That’s right, ladies. Who cares if he looks like the off-spring from a drunken night shared by John Krasinski and Nicholas Cage? It doesn’t matter. Big feet equals a Big Cockatiel. And a Big Cockatiel equals a lot of loud chirping going on all night long. Chirp, chirp.

#7. Anything and everything is considered a sport…First of all, there is no way in Hell I will ever believe that Trampoline is a sport. I was doing that shit long before they made it an Olympic sport. I was doing cart-wheels, flips, triple axle somersaults, spread eagles, AND full penetration on my family’s backyard trampoline, in the middle of a ass-backwards, republican neighborhood full of white supremacists, BY the time I was 15, so SUCK IT China! That’s thrilling…That would have qualified me for 9.00 rating in Difficulty. Secondly…Speed Walking? Come on…Ping-Pong? That broom/curling/sweeping bullshit? Stabbing American Tourists? You’ve got to hand it to them…The Chinese really did get inventive for 2008.

#6. You may have been lucky enough to pick up a pair of these trendy 2008-Olympic-Recycled-From-2008-New-Years-Festivities-Sunglasses. OR you were lucky enough to meet this guy. Either way, you walked away a winner.

#5. The SNACKS…Who doesn’t love a little Sea-Horse on a Stick or Fried Scorpion or Goat Lung Ball Soup? Tastes just like chicken.

#4. The Five Friendlies, duh. I just want to say that whatever the creator of these five animae creatures – which are suppose to represent the five Olympic rings (don’t ask how) – whatever he was on, whatever he was smoking, whatever pills he was popping or dust he was sprinkling in his eyeballs, PLEASE – SHARE THE WEALTH! I want a one-way ticket on your well-planned trip! Not since the Tellatubbies hit America in ’98 have we seen such bizarre, drug-induced behavior from non-sensiscal, G-Rated characters. I specifically like this image where the small balloon creatures closely resemble a mob of hairless testicles, holding a mosh pit in plastic grass. That’s symbolic, right? Personally speaking, the Five Friendlies really get my Olympic engine roaring. Well done Sun/Kim/Gin/Jan – whatever your name is.

#3. Fuck the air pollution. I’ve got two words for all you Olympic bound fools…BIRD FLU.

#2. The DELAY. Can someone please, please, please explain why the two most technologically advanced countries in the entire universe could NOT figure out how to offer the Pacific Standard Time Zone LIVE coverage of the Olympic games? I guess this is why the critically acclaimed, MTV reality show, The Hills, gave NBC a run for their money on Monday night. Fuck you NBC. And Fuck you China.

#1. The Olympic Committee has finally caught on to the timeless tradition of using SEX to SELL. Consequently, every 14-year-old boy on the planet sends their many thanks.

1.A. Bia and Branca Feres are twin Synchronized Swimmers from Brazil. As luck would have it, they fell into synchronized swimming when they discovered ‘cum guzzling’ was NOT an Olympic sport. I don’t think they’ll be wearing a Gold Medal around their necks any time soon, but I do know a few guys who would be willing to adorn those collar bones with some pearls.

1.B. A female Swimmer, Laure Manadou, representing France, learned the hard way that WET NYLON can sometimes (always) be see-through. Ahhh…C’est la vie. The good news…there was no need to take home the Gold or the Silver for that matter – those Silver Dollar Pancakes are gift enough.

1.C. And of course the United States gets in on the action. Who knows better how to exploit the female body then the same country who brought you Playboy, Hustler, Joe Francis, the porn industry, Bill Clinton, etc., We KNOW sex. Only problem is we have the bodies, but they’re matched with some butter faces. Note to the World…Kerry Walsh is NOT hot. Yes, she has an ass that makes Kim Kardashian’s cottage cheese milkshake melt in jealousy. BUT-HER FACE. What a mess. I’m just glad she’s good at volleyball so she has a shot in life. Is it me or is the standard issue volleyball uniform getting smaller and smaller?

I’m pretty sure that’s the signal for “one in the pink, fist in the stink.”

There you have it…The top ten reasons I loved the Beijing Olympics of 2008. Let’s go London…! You better start planning now because you have a lot to live up to.

I’m not one of those girls who bitches about the men in her life wanting to spend countless hours on the couch, getting fat, watching sports, gambling on games, joining fantasy leagues in order to feel like they too are world class athletes…rather, I like to join in on the fun. Sure, when I hear someone screaming “King James is the shit!” at the television set, my first thought is that the History Channel must be airing a documentary on the life of King James of England and whomever is screaming must be a very big fan of the King James version of The Holy Bible. My second thought might be of James King, the model turned actress. My brain doesn’t automatically direct itself to basketball legend in the making, Lebron James (aka King James). And yeah, I don’t use terms like “make it rain” or “this is our house”, but I do love me some college “hoops” and today I made my picks for the NCAA Men’s Tourney. Here are my thoughts on the Sweet 16 and how I arrived at my conclusions…

Keep in mind, during regular season play I watch one team and one team only…that’s Central Michigan University where my little brother, Robbie Harman, has been kickin’ ass in the morning and taking names in the evening for the past two years.

They were knocked out of the MAC Tourney by some shmilly team that needs not be mentioned, but we expect big things from them next year! Go Harman!

Okay…my picks:

UNC v. Indiana – They’re ranked no. 1 in offensive efficiency and I really like the way the navy blue and baby blue look together…so I’m going to have to go with UNC on this one.

George Mason v. Washington St.– George Mason reminds me too much of a man I dislike very much, George W. Bush. Stick it in your ass GDubs.

Oklahoma v. Boise St. – My manager went to OU and she’s responsible for getting me work so…OU it is. Sooner? I hardly know her.

Butler v. Tennessee – Tennessee Williams is one my fave playwrights and he rocked a killer moustache which I’m really into right now, so I’m picking Tennessee over…Butler? Just met her.

Kansas v. Kent St. – I would normally go with Kent St. on this one because I get so sad when I think about the shootings in 1970 and they really deserve it, but if I don’t choose Kansas it’s like shooting myself in the foot…Oh, the dilemma!

USC v. Wisconsin – I went to USC, made my closest friends at USC, mastered my drinking skills at USC, I AM USC…Plus, I had an ex-bf who went to Wisconsin. He turned out to be a tool so…FIGHT ON TROJANS!

Gonzaga v. Georgetown– Gonzaga is really fun to say, but they got man-handled by no-namers USD. So embarrassing. Georgetown!

Memphis v. Oregon – Hey Ducks! Take a hike down lonely street to a place called Heartbreak Hotel – Memphis is going to give you the Elvis Pelvic Thrust right out of the tourney.

Michigan St.V. Pittsburg – I’m from Michigan, and my baby sister is a Pre-Med student there. I have best friends, cousins, my roommate – all MSU Alumni. This one’s a no brainer.

Marquette v. Stanford – I’m going with Marquette to upset Stanford because Marquette is named after French explorer Jacques Marquette and I took French in high school. Je voudrais la Marquette vaincre le Stanford. Ils ont tres tres stupide.

St. Mary’s v. Texas – Texas. Longhorns. I like cowboys and as CHEESY as he may be, I even like Matthew McConaughey, receding hairline and all. Plus, the Gaels got embarrassed by USD just like Gonzaga.

UCLA v. BYU – Though I’m a huge fan of HBO’s Big Love and I’d love to see some good ol’ Mormon boys kick some Bruin ass, it’s just not going to happen. The good news, BYU, is Jesus Christ is still on your side!

Drake v. UCONN – duh.

Purdue v. Xavier– I really like Xavier. I used to want to name my first son Xavier. Then I realized my first son was probably not going to be black (still hopeful for son #2 and #3) so I changed the name to Tom. Good luck Xavier!

Arizona v. Duke – Blue Devils…I always side with the Devil – I’m keeping him on my good side since I’ll most likely be spending eternity in Hell.

“Cheaper than therapy…”

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Who am I...? Shit. Wow...Okay...I’m a USC graduate, originally from Michigan which is “somewhere in the middle”. I’m now living the “dream” in Los Angeles as a Screenwriter. I write comedy. My therapist says I arm myself with a wicked sense of humor for the sole purpose of avoiding true human connection… I think I just like to make people laugh. I pretend to read the New York Times, but I’m really only reading the captions which do a great job of summarizing the bullshit. I like to have to have my cake and eat it too. I'm not a morning person, but it's my favorite time of day. I don’t have pets because I am still concentrating on being able to feed, bathe and exercise myself. When I accomplish that, I’ll think about getting a dog. I love my family and enjoy rainy days and I had to look up the correct spelling of “exercise” while writing this bio. It’s nice to meet all of you…