Saturday, May 14, 2016

As Sunday is peeking its way in, I am surrounded by five sleeping children. Three of them have low-grade fevers, three of them have runny noses and coughs, and 2 of them have apparently developed a snore. My mister is faithfully away at drill without us tagging along with him for the first time since he transferred to Utah (last September or October), and I miss my mom.

Did I mention my mom died?

It was last month. It was a hard month. All the sadness, all the pain, the confusion, sorrow, loneliness, stress that had accumulated throughout this year had culminated into a heavy and swift reverse roundhouse to my face the day that Mom died. I tried to make it to her. I tried to see her, to say goodbye. But I have too many little kids, and not enough people around me that I trust.

But I digress.

6 weeks later, I am doing alright. Still a bit lost. Still a bit sad. Still a little confused. But alright.

My husband's gone for the weekend. My kids are sick and passing it around each other. I weigh more than I EVER have during a non-pregnant time of my life. The events and issues of the past 5 months have not really passed or been resolved. I don't even smile much anymore.

But right now, in the middle of the night, it's not so bad.

And I'll tell you why.

Because I know things. Certain things I know to be true. To be fact.

1. I am loved. My husband and I may not be on the best of terms all the time, but I know that man loves me more than he's ever loved any person before, and that has never changed. Kids I swear are God's gift to us, to shower us with unconditional and blissful love that at times we may not even deserve. I have friends near and far whose hearts are linked to mine eternally, no matter how different our lives are. And, of course, my Heavenly Father and my Savior love me. Fact.

2. Doing things designed to make people happy WILL make people happy. Exercise. Lots of water. Rest. Eating yummy food. Taking in sunshine. Reading good books. Listening to good music. Playing good music. Dancing. Writing. All these things I've tried at some point this year, and I promise you that all these things work. If you try them, I PROMISE the struggles will become more bearable. They may not solve your problems, but they WILL make you more capable of solving your problems. Fact.

3. Everyone gets the same amount of time in the day. While most days I feel like I totally wasted time, mentally returning to this fact helps keep myself in check. Do I spend it dwelling on problems? Do I spend it finding solutions? Am I in the right mindset to effectively accomplish this task or that task? What is the best use of my time today? When was the last time I focused on my husband? My kids? Myself? Get yourself in check regarding your time. It just may help pass the time better. (See what I did there?) Not to mention... a lot can happen over time.

A week ago I wouldn't have been able to write this post. A week ago I thought I was going to lose something again, and it felt like my heart stopped for a few days. But the great truths of life do not fail us, if only we work with them. They are all dependent variables in the big formula for success and happiness. They always have been. We just have to let them work in our lives the way they are meant to. Enjoy the love that is for you. Do things you know will make you happy. Use your time wisely. Trust in the process, in the system. And it won't be so bad.

P.S. Bonus fact: engaging in projects bigger than yourself is the secret to happiness. This past Mother's Day was the worst Mother's Day of my life until I made it about other mothers. Service is the bomb diggity. You gotta try it.