Saturday, September 30, 2006

From "The People's Cube": McCain was tortured into Torture Bill

Despite vociferous claims that torture never works, Arizona senator John McCain helped to pass Bush's new Torture Bill that will allow the CIA to continue violating the Geneva conventions by torturing innocent political prisoners who happen to be Muslims. What did the Bush administration do to break John McCain that a North Vietnamese prison camp couldn't do? A recent leak from the White House establishes beyond doubt that the supposed change of heart came after one of the closed door sessions, at which George W. Bush and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist subdued the maverick senator with a headlock, tied him to a chair, and violated his humanity by subjecting him to cruel and degrading treatment with loud Eminem music, sleep deprivation, hypothermia, and waterboarding.

Resorting to these and other most sinister Skull & Bones initiation techniques known to mankind, the Neocons forced Senator McCain to capitulate and agree to broaden the definitions of "unlawful enemy combatant" and "material support" to include librarians who released copies of "Vagina Monologues" to al-Qaeda members, Starbucks employees who served them nonfat Latte Grande, and any person who has ever thrown a quarter to a Taliban foot soldier, having mistaken him for a homeless person.

Experts predict that these nefarious measures may increase the prison population at Guantanamo Bay to over a hundred million people, which would include absolutely everyone who had ever, wittingly or unwittingly, provided aid and comfort to America's enemies at home and abroad, from Wal-Mart greeters, McDonalds drive-thru operators, Econolodge clerks, phone-sex workers, customer service and technical support representatives, Girl Scouts cookie distributors, to Catherine Zeta Jones who helped terrorists to choose T-Mobile for their wireless needs.

At a press conference following the vote, Senator McCain was asked to explain his surrender on the torture issue, one on which he has been as passionate in the past as Lindsey Graham was on secret evidence.

"I was going to push the Al-Qaeda Bill of Rights instead," McCain replied in a monotonous, robotic voice, bobbing his head back and forth. "But I have learned something important in the last few days. Torture works."