That Cold Snap: Sponsored by the letters PG&E

Being my father’s son, it was instilled in me at a very early age that thermostats and heaters are evil and not to be trusted.

In fact, the only proper way to handle them, according to him, was to not use them at all.

My mother and two sisters saw it differently.

So began the endless winter war between two sides: one whose uniform included (me) wearing two Mervyn’s sweaters, extra pairs of socks and Joanie Greggains style leg warmers around the house, while the other army just always looked pissed off.

Both sides remained cold.

Close to what I looked like in front of the TV as a child during the winter.

Whether it’s a sexist stereotype or not, I don’t know. But I can tell you that the heater on/off war has spilled into my new family. As far as I can tell, the only clear winner here is PG&E.

By now most of you reading this will have gotten your PG&E bill for last month’s usage. While I’d be happy to post the total amount of mine, unfortunately there isn’t enough space here on this blog for all of them zeros. At least that’s how it feels.

this is the easy way to calculate your energy bill…

It should be easy to cast PG&E as the villain here. But they’ve got a good doublespeak pr team who come up with very cute commercials where some old timer distracts us about moving from Honduras to Ukiah. Or they use subliminal messages about chocolate chip cookies baked in solar ovens. We get it. The people who work there are nice. Fine.

But if they’re so friendly, how about getting rid of the Gas PPP surcharge? Or maybe offer a free month’s supply of up to 79.300000 Therms. What the hell does that even mean?? Has anybody looked at these bills before? You know, some reporters should really investigate this kind of thing. Oh wait. Sorry.

I know PG&E offers rebate deals when you replace your washer or dryer (and assuming you eventually fill out all the rebate paperwork and assuming you buy stamps to mail it off). But the war rages on in families across the country.

I know what side my wife is on. But what about my son?

Monty is 15 months old now and really into closing doors and turning off the lights. I think it’s a good sign. Sometimes I feel we have an unspoken understanding for why his pop leaves a onesy on underneath his pajamas at night. That’s convenient since he still can’t quite talk. But I’m afraid his next new word might be “cold.”

One night during that cold snap last month I tricked my wife into thinking the heater was on before she fell asleep. I awoke in the middle of the night ready to celebrate the victory by putting on another pair of wool socks. Made a u-turn to the boy’s room and for a moment thought I COULD SEE MY BREATH like Fog in the hallway. It was FRICKIN COLD! Feeling too guilty to let the kid sleep in that temperature, I turned the heater on, and have yet to win the thermostat battle ever since.