– Why he called his political autobiography ‘A Charge to Keep’
– Why the Republicans saw such potential in him
– Why the Supreme Court thought he had the ‘volts’ in Florida
– How he just ‘volted’ to the presidency
– Why the Democrats were so shocked
– Why he’s now so polarizing
– Why he’s so close to the ‘energy bidness’
– Why he approves of the electric chair
– Why so many people think he’s a sot with battery

– Why he’s always so upbeat
– Why his middle name is Walker
– Why his last name is Bush
– Why he’s always running for office
– Why he enjoys sports where people run as fast as they can
– How he can outrun everybody on the jogging trail

– Why he’s so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed
– Why his parents had so many children
– Why the tip of his nose wiggles when he speaks
– Why his ears keep sticking out
– Why he keeps watching replays of Starsky and Hutch
– Why he choked on a pretzel
– Why he never drinks alcohol
– Why he had to bring his own chef from Austin
– Why his daughters are so attracted to anything with hops in it
– Why he zigzags when he’s spooked, as on 9-11
– Why he always tries dangling carrots in front of potential opponents
– Why he clearly prefers rural habitats

– Why he’s such a lightweight
– Why he fluffs most of what he does
– Why he hangs out as much as he can around small children
– Why he has to nap in the afternoon
– Why he can’t stay up late at night
– Why he cannot dance
– Why it’s so easy to get him hopping mad
– Why he can’t count
– Why he’s dyslexic
– Why he mispronounces everything
– Why he begins so many sentences with ‘Lettuce…’
– Why he thinks he can speak ‘Spinach’

– Why he’s had so many jobs that involved drilling holes
– Why he’s run a string of companies into the ground
– Why Dick Cheney disappeared down a hole never to reappear
– Why he’s reactivating every single underground government facility
– Why the Budget and Social Security are now full of holes
– Why he’s in the dark about so many subjects and wants to keep us there, too
– Why he’s so feverishly trying to bury his mistakes
– Why his worst enemy spends most of his time underground

– Why he’s never traveled in a Greyhound
– Why his closest European ally is from the country of fox-hunting
– Why Vincente Fox keeps chasing after him
– Why he believes everything in the Warren Report
– Why he’s so close to the Rabbit Right

– Why he has such an affinity for greenbacks
– Why he ran into trouble in the Iowa straw polls
– Why he carried all the rural states
– Why the rich are now living their salad years
– How the Green Party actually helped him get elected
– Why he’s so big on ‘Lawn order’
– Why he’s always meeting his guests in the Rose Garden
– Why he’s so gung-ho on ‘Star Warrens’
– Why he keeps defiling the White House