The Great Jewlarious Joke Competition

Jewlarious is holding a competition to find the best Jewish joke and we want you to tell it.

Record yourself telling your favorite Jewish joke, upload it to YouTube and send us the link at jokes@aish.com or if the file size is under 2MB you can email it to us directly. All of the jokes that meet our content guidelines* will be uploaded to the Jewlarious website. The three jokes that garner the most Facebook “likes” will be declared the winners and featured on aish.com for the week leading up to Purim, and perhaps more importantly, the winners will all receive the coveted “Golden Hamentaschen Award”. Whatever that is.

Who knows, maybe you’re the next Jerry Seinfeld?

*Remember we are a Jewish, family friendly site. So no inappropriate language or subject material.

About the Author

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 5

(5)
Ahuva - Jerusalem,
February 5, 2014 12:39 PM

for ; JOKE COMPETITION

How can you say the world's not Jewish when the sun's real name is Sol?

(4)
Ahuva,
February 5, 2014 12:26 PM

for : JOKE COMPETITON

All these people were down on Miami Beach when all of a sudden the water turned black and murky, and this hideous sea minster comes out of it, standing there, dripping sea weed, looming over everyone and saying gha gha gha.

All the people got scared, screamed and ran away. Except for one little old Jewish lady. She got closer and closer, and closer and closer, looked up at him over her glasses and exclaimed, "Oy! Have I got a girl for you!"

(3)
Dena - Jerusalem,
February 4, 2014 8:43 PM

for : JOKE COMPETITOIN

These two middle-aged Jewish women were riding on the train, discussing how terrible they think it is that in our day and age, there are still Jewish men who wear that long black coat and big black hat, when , all of a sudden. lo and behold, what do they see-two rows in front of them, one of THOSE. So one of the ladies decides she is going to give him a piece of her mind and marches right up to him. "Excuse me, sir, ", she says, "but do you realize that your dress is causing anti-Semitism?" He looks up at her sheepishly and says, "I'm really sorry, ma'm, I don't want to cause anti-Semitism, but I'm Amish, and this is the way we have always dressed". "Oh!" she exclaimed excitedly. "Amish! How quaint! Perhaps you could invite us to your village and we could learn the meaning of these old and beautiful customs?"

(2)
Shoshana - Jerusalem,
February 4, 2014 4:19 PM

for : JOKE COMPETITION

So there was this Jew who was fed up already with all the anti-Semitism and went to the priest and said he wanted to convert, and the priest said , "Okay, on one condition- that you don't eat fish on Friday night." So the Jew said, "No problem" and the priest sprinkled some water on him from a bottle on his desk and said, 3 times, "you're not a Jew, you're a goy, you're not a Jew, you're a goy" " and the Jew went home happily. Comes Friday night and the priest wanted to see if the Jew is keeping his word so he goes over and looks in the window and sees him eating a fish! And not some little gefilte, mind you, but a whole salmon. So he goes into the house and says "Why did you lie to me? You said you wouldn't eat fish"? Jew: "Mr. Priest, It's not a fish, it's a chicken". Priest : "What do you mean a chicken?! I see it's a fish". "Ah", says the Jew. "You are right. It was a fish, but I learned from you and now it's a chicken". "Learned from me?" asked the priest. "Yes. I sprinkled some water on him three times and said, "You're not a fish, you're a chicken. You're not a fish......."

(1)
AJWachs@Gmail.com.com,
January 29, 2014 12:10 AM

VERY FUNNY!

HA HA!

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I’ve been dating a young woman for the past two years and we are starting to think about marriage. The problem is that she is not Jewish. I would want her to convert, but in a way where there would be no doubt about its validity, so that we and our kids don’t have problems later on. How do you recommend that I proceed?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I appreciate your desire to do the right thing and proceed in an authentic way.

The process of conversion is challenging and involves a process of a year or two. This benefits the person converting, to ensure he fully appreciates the responsibilities he is taking on.

According to the Code of Jewish Law (Shulchan Aruch), a valid conversion replicates the experience at Mount Sinai of 3,300 years ago, when the Jewish nation accepted the Torah. For your friend to convert, she must:

believe that Judaism is the true religion, not just accept it by default

study what it says in the Torah

commit to observe all the Torah's commandments

Further, a conversion must be motivated for the sincere purpose of getting close to God and His Torah, not for ulterior motives. Thus, your friend would have to embrace Judaism and the Torah for its own sake, not in order to marry you. She should have the exact same desire to convert even with you entirely out of the picture.

If your friend studies Judaism and feels it is right for her, she would then approach an Orthodox conversion court and explain her situation. The court would then decide if it feels she is a sincere candidate for conversion. If yes, she would begin the lengthy process of studying and practicing to become a true convert.

Of course, to have a successful relationship, you will also need a high level of appreciation and commitment to Judaism. Perhaps you could begin your own study program to discover how Torah values enhance our lives and form the bedrock of civilization.

You should endeavor to live near a Jewish community which has adult education programs, rabbis you can consult with, Shabbat hospitality programs, etc.

In 1273 BCE (Jewish year 2488), Moses completed his farewell address to the Jewish people, and God informed Moses that the day of his death was approaching (Deut. 31:14). Amazingly, the anniversary of Moses' completing his teaching coincides with the date in 1482 of the first printing of the standard format used for Jewish Bibles today: vowel signs, accents, translation (Targum), and Rashi commentary.

Lack of gratitude is at the root of discontent. In order to be consistently serene, we must master the attribute of being grateful to the Creator for all His gifts. As the Torah (Deuteronomy 26:11) states, "Rejoice with all the good the Almighty has given you." This does not negate our wanting more. But it does mean that we have a constant feeling of gratitude since as long as we are alive, we always have a list of things for which to be grateful.

[Solomon] was wiser than all men (I Kings 5:11), even wiser than fools (Midrash).

What does the Midrash mean by "wiser than fools"?

A man of means was once a Sabbath guest at the home of the Chofetz Chaim. He insisted upon paying the sage in advance for the Sabbath meals - an insulting demand. To everyone's surprise, the Chofetz Chaim accepted the money.

After the Sabbath the Chofetz Chaim forced the guest to take the money back. He explained, "Had I refused to accept the money before the Sabbath, the thought that he was imposing upon me might have distracted from the man's enjoying the spirit of the Sabbath. Although it was foolish of him to feel this way, I wished to put his mind at rest."

Not everyone thinks wisely all the time. Some people have foolish ideas. Yet if we oppose them, they may feel they have been wronged. Insisting on the logic of our own thinking may not convince them in the least. In such instances, it may require great wisdom to avoid offending someone, yet not submitting to his folly.

By accepting his guest's money, knowing that he would return it to him after the Sabbath, the Chofetz Chaim wisely accommodated this man's whim without compromising on his own principles.

A wise person may be convinced by a logical argument, but outsmarting a fool truly requires genius.

Today I shall...

try to avoid offending people whom I feel to be in the wrong, without in any way compromising myself.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...