Pope Francis to Appear on Special Episode of Springer

Vatican spokesman Fr. Federico Lombardi announced today that the Holy Father, Pope Francis, will make a quick trip to Chicago in order to appear on a special episode of the Jerry Springer Show.

Father Lombardi announced that Pope Francis, who is in the U.S. this week, was contacted by Mr. Springer late last week, and that Mr. Springer at that time had “floated the general idea” by the Bishop of Rome. A mutual Hollywood friend, who has been quietly helping the Vatican to update its image, gave Mr. Springer the Pope’s number.

It is currently planned that the episode will be called “Adulterers, Spousal and Child Deserters, and the Pope Who Defends Them no Matter How Much Destruction they Wreak!”

The episode will be filmed live in a local trailer park so that the Pontiff feels at home, and it will be shown late night on HBO so that Francis can “really say how he feels about the freakin' hypocrites who insist on morality and keeping the rules.”

“There will be no judging of any behaviour,” said Lombardi, “and Francis will try to get across to everyone on the show that his version of a ‘Field Hospital Church’ is well on its way to realization.”

“Francis will really drive one point home,” he said, “and the Holy Father’s main point will be that as we all know, hospitals do not teach you how to prevent illness: they merely give you things like penicillin for your syphilis when you contract it. This is the kind of language with which Francis’s sought-after audience can truly relate,” said Lombardi, nodding his head up and down.

The Springer episode will end with a live open-communion prayer service led by both Francis and Mr. Springer, and at its conclusion the Bishop of Rome anticipates throwing pearls before nearby swine.