Gary Brown: Cowboys, karate, sailors, pit crews? I need a new smell

Monday

Feb 25, 2008 at 12:01 AM

A smell is what causes people around you to observe either, “You smell nice today” or “Did you fall into your cologne bottle this morning?” There is a fine line between wearing the scent of cologne and walking around in a cloud of it.

Gary Brown

I don’t smell.

Oh, I stink after working in the yard or playing golf on a particularly hot day. But that’s not a smell. That’s an odor.

And after I shower you can faintly detect a hint of Dial anti-bacterial soap. That’s not a smell, either. It’s just being clean.

A smell is what causes people around you to observe either, “You smell nice today” or “Did you fall into your cologne bottle this morning?” There is a fine line between wearing the scent of cologne and walking around in a cloud of it.

Only one person should wear your cologne at a time. It shouldn’t smell up innocent bystanders.

My favorite

I used to wear Stetson. I learned about it from commuting with a co-worker who wore it.

“Men’s Stetson,” she said.

Well, I didn’t want her to be more of a man than me, so I started wearing Stetson. I began to like it. I smelled good.

Family members and friends must have agreed because they started buying me bottles of Stetson for birthdays and Christmas. I had a Stetson collection, so many bottles of it that I started suggesting nonfragrant gifts — books and CDs — for special occasions.

When the bottles I had on hand increased, I worried. As time went on, and the cologne aged, would I smell less like a new Stetson and more like an old hat?

After a few months during which I may have smelled a little rank, I finally ran out the other day.

Now I don’t smell like anything anymore. You might call me a free smeller. I have my fragrance options open.

I could go back to my youth, I suppose, when I slapped on some of my father’s Old Spice before a date. I could relive my college years, when I thought myself a man because I owned a bottle of Aqua Velva. Or, I could return to that period when I thought myself sophisticated wearing Hai Karate. I also had an English Leather era, followed briefly by some time spent smelling like British Sterling.

I settled in with Stetson. It didn’t stink.

Time for a change

But, I want a new smell.

All I got was confused when I went to the store. I saw colognes in an assortment of manly-sounding names. Adidas. Adrenaline. Antonio. Mustang. Musk. Polo. Preferred Stock. Daytona 500. I don’t know if the latter is available only at cologne counters or if you can pick up a bottle at your nearest auto parts store.

I went home and tried testing Calvin Klein’s Man, Kenneth Cole’s Reaction, and Georgio Armani’s Code by pulling the fragrance flaps of advertisements in Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue.

But, I spoiled the experiment by scratching and sniffing the “smell what they smell” part of an advertisement for DirectTV’s “Nascar Hot Pass.” I went away with a whiff of oil, asphalt and exhaust fumes.

It’s manly, but sort of stupid, to show up at night seeming like you spent all day in the pits.

So, I still need a smell. I’m taking suggestions. As you can tell, I’m not that picky. Just give me the name of something that smells better than deodorant soap.