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A much needed and fabulous week in Quebec has me playing catch up on blog posts. I’m going to jump back into blogosphere with the rest of our survey responses.

The Buffer Zone Dysfunctional Family Survey results are in and the goal is to post one every day or so or three. The main question of our survey was: Without naming names, who is the relative in your family that causes all the drama? And what incident best illustrates their craziness, “personality” or friction they bring to your family?

“Recently engaged, my fiancé and I attended a church service on Mother’s Day with my soon-to-be mother-in-law and sister-in-law. After a sweet sermon on the importance of mothers in our lives, as well as women who mother us, and the hymns were sung, the pastor invited all mothers to take one of the small potted petunias displayed in the foyer. My husband’s sister was beaming as she proudly carried her petunia in front of her 2nd trimester belly.

As the mothers began to leave the sanctuary and collected their petunias, it was evident that the church had purchased too many plants. The pastor then invited ALL the ladies in attendance to take home a petunia, so I picked one up off the table and casually walked out the front door. My (now) sister-in-law stormed out the door after me, and slung her petunia down the front steps, shattering the pot on the sidewalk below. She actually stamped her foot like a toddler, and proceeded to rant about the unfairness of it all. How would anyone identify her and other mothers if just anyone got a petunia? What was the meaning of Mother’s Day if non-mother’s got a gift? She continued her hissy fit until my (now) mother-in-law shushed her. The other members of the congregation just glanced at her as they filed out. At the time, I thought they pretended not to see her tantrum in order to save my mother-in-law any embarrassment, but I know now that they were just used to her behavior. And, I’m sorry to say, I now am also.”

My goodness me, what a sterling example of Christian behavior! I hope someone pointed out to this anonymous respondent’s sister that she technically wasn’t a mother, and therefore not entitled to a seventy-nine cent petunia either. She was a mother-TO-BE, as well as self-centered, and a bunch of other words I won’t mention because this display of temperament happened at a church.

The Buffer Zone Dysfunctional Family Survey results are in and the goal is to post one every day or so or three. The main question of our survey was: Without naming names, who is the relative in your family that causes all the drama? And what incident best illustrates their craziness, “personality” or friction they bring to your family?

“I was raised in a Southern Coastal town where manners were taught and expected from the moment of birth. We are a genteel clan that addresses everyone with “Ma’am”, “Sir”, or “Honey”. My sweet husband’s father imagines himself an outlaw. He roars up to joint family functions on his big motorcycle, dressed in the typical offensive saying t-shirt, black leather vest and red bandana. He loves nothing more than to shock whoever is in earshot with his racist and homophobic comments. He was finally banned from future gathering when he grabbed my aunt’s bottom and proclaimed he liked his women with meat on them.”

Thank you for submitting this anonymous follower. It is truly a shame when in-laws become outlaws. Sweet tea for all to celebrate his banishment.

The Buffer Zone Dysfunctional Family Survey results are in and the goal is to post one every day or so or three. The main question of our survey was: Without naming names, who is the relative in your family that causes all the drama? And what incident best illustrates their craziness, “personality” or friction they bring to your family?

“It’s really hard to pick just one, since I have a lifetime of choices. The family incident that best describes my domineering sister is the Easter Egg hunt we attended at a church in our neighborhood when my children were small. This friendly congregation would invite the surrounding neighbors annually to celebrate Easter and get to know more about their religion. From the moment we arrived my sister complained about the heat, the crowd, the church volunteers’ knowledge of how to run a successful egg hunt, that they only had one free drink station, the fact that the Easter bunny had shoes instead of furry feet, etc.

They had areas roped off for toddlers, children aged 4-6, and children aged 7-9 on the lawn behind the church, with brightly colored plastic eggs just lying on the ground in plain sight. The children lined the roped off areas waiting for the the signal to go before they rushed in with their baskets. My sister maneuvered her 1 1/2 and 3 years old toddlers into the best strategic position and literally shoved them forward at the signal. She then proceeded to block and run interference between them and other tiny tots gathering eggs. The Miami Dolphins’ quarterback Ryan Tannehill should have such a line. She was yelling instructions to get the yellow one, then the blue one, and warning them to watch out for the little girl approaching to their right. The same little girl that was barely walking and had a pacifier hanging out of her mouth. Yeah, watch out for her.

When all of the eggs were collected, each child had several eggs in their baskets or buckets, some free cookies, and a picture with the Easter Bunny. So what else was there to complain about? The fact that the church had used a Polaroid camera instead of hiring a professional photographer, and the eggs contained lowly Sweet Tarts.”

The person that submitted this gem wishes to remain anonymous, as do most of the people that responded to our survey, which we completely get. We have a very clear picture of this incident in our minds since we have seen more and more adults (I use that term loosely) behave like this. We can only imagine the injuries that would have transpired if there was a prize involved.

Don’t worry dominated respondent, your Buffer Zone will be vast since your sister is probably going some place even hotter.

The Buffer Zone Dysfunctional Family Survey results are in and the goal is to post one every day or so or three. The main question of our survey was: Without naming names, who is the relative in your family that causes all the drama? And what incident best illustrates their craziness, “personality” or friction they bring to your family?

“My brother definitely causes friction between my parents and me. I am older by 6 years, have always had a part-time job, got a scholarship to university, and landed an entry-level job in my field after I graduated. I was rewarded with a few promotions after logging countless hours, including nights and weekends. My brother didn’t work during high school because it would have interfered with his garage band practice. He dropped out of university because “It’s hard.” He has quit, or was fired, from a string of dead end jobs that interfered with his goal to become a lead singer in a hard rock band because they “were hard.” He singing ability is marginal, so the chance that he will be discovered is pretty slim. Not to mention, it is pretty hard to be noticed by a talent agent when you are sitting in the basement of my parents’ house (where he now lives) playing video games all day. Applying for jobs, making resumes and knocking on doors “are hard.” If that is what makes him happy, I’d be all for it IF he wasn’t draining my parents retirement fund in the process. And here’s the real kicker-no one can mention my latest promotion, the small house I am in the process of purchasing or any other good thing that has happened in my entire life because “it will make him feel bad.” He turns 39 years old in a few weeks. The amusing incident will occur when I take a box cutter to his controller cords.”

Thank you for your response anonymous achiever. His upcoming birthday would be the perfect time to cut the game console umbilical cords. The Buffer Zone congratulates you on your much deserved success, and we don’t care if that made your brother feel bad.

The following Buffer Zone Dysfunctional Family Survey responder wishes to remain anonymous, bless her heart.

Our main question was: Without naming names, who is the relative in your family that causes all the drama? And what incident best illustrates their craziness, “personality” or friction they bring to your family?

“That would be my niece. I have a rather large family, with only one grandparent still living. All holidays, birthdays, and family celebrations are held at my grandmother’s small, but charming frame house. Everyone is invited to every occasion, and the attendees vary as each family has it’s own activities and schedules. All family members make an effort to be there, except for my niece. She also doesn’t RSVP, leaving the family wondering if Jane is going to show up, therefore making each occasion about her is some respect. She doesn’t miss a Christmas gathering though, or the present my grandmother will have waiting under the tree. We all had quite a laugh last Christmas, when the family matriarch passed out cards containing cash, and honestly couldn’t remember my niece’s name.”

How sweet of you Jane, to make all the celebrations about your own self. I’m guessing you also make a late entrance when you do come so all heads will turn when you walk in the door. Honey, I guarantee you that your family spends exactly 15 seconds each gathering thinking about whether you are there or not. Get over yourself.

It’s nice that moms and their daughters can be BFFs, except you aren’t supposed to be until your daughters are real adult type people.

Usually, teen parties involving alcohol or drugs happen when the parents are away. There are “fun” moms, some I have know personally, who feel that having a small party at their house keeps teenagers from driving under the influence.

Mariel Weinand, 18, threw a shindig in her Naples, Florida home, and when the cops showed up to squelch the party, guests ran inside and cut the lights. Two girls allegedly held Mariel up, as in Weekend At Mariel’s, while she gave her mom’s cell phone number to the police.

When reached by the authorities Carolyn Weinand, mugshot (ABC7) above, stated she had no idea there was a party goin’ on since she was out of town. She gave officers her blessing to break up the party. Police found people hiding in different rooms and closets, and SURPRISE!-Carolyn hiding in the bedroom, where she changed her tune to “safe party.”

According to newser.com, she denies buying the alcohol, but she’s charged with 26 counts of selling, giving, or serving alcoholic beverages to persons under the age of 21.

Since mom and daughter are both charged with one count of having an open house party, they might want to consider a nice trip to the mall next time instead.

I recently got a message from Word Press congratulating me on my 50th blog post. I was feeling pretty proud of myself since I fittingly started this blog on April 1st, 2013.

I looked like this.

Until I remembered that I only write about 5 paragraphs, and had a 12 Days of Dysfunction Christmas song, where I added a line a day. Suddenly, my stats were not so impressive.

Like most people, real life and time constraints come into play. While I always have blog ideas swimming around in my somewhat fuzzy brain, I find myself spending most of my available time reading some really impressive and entertaining posts by other bloggers.

We are gearing up for the The Buffer Zone Dysfunctional Family Survey posts, so check back to amuse yourself with crazy family incidents, and feel better about your DNA. Until then, I will be re-blogging some of my favorite posts by incredible writers.

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Welcome to the THE BUFFER ZONE!

Hi! I'm Diane, the older, bossier sister who is responsible for offending people on this blog. Visit us often for tips on how to avoid your dysfunctional family through geography, restraining orders, and feigned schizophrenia.