The Doctor Who Fan Service Hot Line Week 4: Arachnids in the UK

Whatever we expected from Chris Chibnall’s vision of Doctor Who, I don’t think any of us were imagining riffs on Planet of the Spiders and Paradise Towers with that guy from Sex in the City not quite playing Donald Trump.

Press 1 if you can’t quite believe how camp that episode wasn’t.

Press 2 if you can’t quite believe that an episode of Doctor Who featuring a thinly veiled parody of Donald Trump also confirmed that Donald Trump is now canon.

Press 3 if you heard the line about Quistin Calcium Assassins and wondered if it was related to the huge sacks of teeth that Chris Chibnall definitely keeps in his basement.

Press 4 if you weren’t expecting women in same-sex relationships to be this series’ red shirts.

Press 5 if you assume the giant spider in the ballroom didn’t make a noise until we saw it because it was so invested in Ryan and Graham’s conversation and was really hoping Ryan’d call him Grandad.

Press 6 if you won this week’s game of ‘Whose go is it to be Nyssa?’ by playing your combo of ‘Ryan’ and ‘Using Sonic Vibrations to Save the Day’.

Press 7 if you really enjoyed Yaz’s characterisation now being extended to ‘She has a family’.

Press 8 if you think what this episode really could have done with was some glowing science thingy being implanted into at least four of the main characters.

Press 9 if, thanks to this episode, you were inspired to study hard, get top grades, graduate from a prestigious university, and one day speak in nothing but exposition to a bunch of strangers when your spider experiment kills three people.

Gleefully mash the * button if you could watch that time vortex sequence on a constant loop.

Furiously mash the # button if your children haven’t slept since Sunday.