Sport in crisis as footballers leave teams to help communities

A recent spate of highly paid footballers leaving their teams to become voluntary 5-a-side coaches and scout masters has resulted in a catastrophic shortage of Premiership players.

Many of the players have found their inner social conscience and have returned to their home towns – usually struggling council estates – to give underprivileged children the gift of papier mache classes and to build walls ‘just for graffiti’. One of the players has even been seen giving up his time to pick up used hypodermic needles from the ground of a play area, and planting small trees.

This trend has resulted in Premiership managers having to look elsewhere to fill the gaps in their squads; a challenge which becomes more difficult by the day. A meeting of the FA this morning went as far as discussing the possibility of reducing all league teams to 5 men, effectively creating the world’s most expensive ‘Goals’ tournament.

Wayne Rooney’s PR team have confirmed that he will kindly not return to Liverpool to teach kids how to read and write.