English Football Association: Help Stu Holden Defend Himself

Dear English Football Association:
Enough is enough. We, the undersigned, have watched Stuart Holden (Stu) endure career-threatening tackle after career-threatening tackle, leaving him battered and broken. We have watched him courageously pick himself up, time after time, work through months - sometimes over a year - of rehab and physical therapy, only to have another rash challenge strike him down weeks after his return to the playing field.
We believe that if Stu were able to properly defend himself, the number of such attacks on his person and livelihood would decrease.
THEREFORE, We petition the FA that the following rule be added for matches involving Stu:
1) Allow Stu to keep a blunt weapon in the dugout next to the physio. We're thinking a mace or a club or something like that. Widely publicize this privilege.
2) In the event of another rash challenge (who are we kidding? When the next challenge occurs), allow Stu 5 minutes to grab his weapon and approach the offending player.
3) Have all four officials hold the offending player in place.
4) Allow Stu one free shot at the offending player's knee of Stu's choice.
5) Resume play.
6) In the event that Stu is unable to walk to the dugout, the Physio will be handed the blunt weapon, and will be permitted to exercise Stu's free shot.
We believe it is time for the FA to protect Stu, and by implementing this change, they will achieve just that.
Respectfully Submitted,
-The Undersigned.