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Cincinnati Reds' Mike Leake named honorary Bengal

CINCINNATI, OH - Hours after hearing reports that Reds pitcher Mike Leake had been arrested for shoplifting, the Bengal organization offered him the title of Honorary Bengal. The Bengals passed the news along to Leake’s agent and lawyer, who immediately begged the Bengals to reconsider, saying that their client had had enough bad news this week.

“We’re happy to make Mr. Leake a part of the Bengal family,” said Bengal’s owner Mike Brown. “He’ll find that being an honorary Bengal will afford him grand rights, status and privileges. He’ll get an invitation to the yearly “No Designated Drivers Allowed” party, a handsome certificate, and our exclusive maps to hidden shanks at most of the area county lockups.”

Leake was charged with theft after leaving the downtown Cincinnati Macy’s store in possession of $59 worth of shirts that he allegedly did not purchase. “Usually, we want something a little more substantial in the crime department,” said Brown. “But I like the feel I get from this Leake kid. I think he might move on to reckless driving, bar fights, and maybe some gun play in the years to come.”

Honorary Bengal status is an honor that has been bestowed in recent years on such celebrities as Lindsay Lohan, OJ Simpson, Charles Manson, and a posthumous award given to Mongolian warlord Genghis Khan.