HI I'M AMBER

I like being regular and pronounce it “regler.” If I can get to the keyboard quickly enough, I’ll write out of the holy, terrible, and fantastic regular. I like a little house and a big yard. I whirl from child to sink to garden to spill, but I love to steep in different cultures and countries, too. I love to travel. Most of all, I love to write. I never questioned what I would grow up to be. Learn More About Me »

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What I Wear and an Update on Titus

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My plan was to show what my sister and I wore down an Alabama dirt road, because getting dressed is something I enjoy doing, even when I only plan to pick turnips in what I wear. I was home to go with the flow and take a break, and I’m sad to say that going with the flow didn’t land us with any sister pics worth sharing. Erin would kill me dead if I posted what we took.

Here, anyway I’m showing what I usually wear: a baby and my favorite pair of mocs.

This is our yearly hay ride. As much as I love to get dressed, Ian wore pajamas this entire day, and I didn’t feel a tad guilty about it.

It’s a gorgeous time of year there on the edge of the mountain. You can see daddy’s garden full of turnips. We picked a “mess” of greens, and that might not be your thing, but it sure is mine.

It’s Halloween again, such a creepy day. I don’t get it even though I put on my big-girl britches about it and try to let my liberalness win. As soon I started to feel okay, Isaac came home from school crying saying that the kids talked about demons all day. Lord a mercy. We did go “trunk or treating” after a “singing” at church, which is kind of the cop-out version, but we take it because, hey free candy. This reminds me of judgment house, an exceptionally ridonkulous christian haunted house. I die to think of it, but anyway, the singing was wonderful and the boys had a blast, and I reckon I’m not going to feel bad about that either.

All that to say, I love you people who dress like sexy zombies. You really are totally hot in gray makeup. I judge you not. I’m a partier, and I think Jesus invented fun. I would, however, like to not see your sexy zombie privates out in public, but that’s just me. You know. Stuff like that.

Even in all my Halloween confliction, we scored some florescent vampire teeth and had tons of fun with them. The pics I have of what my sis and I wore are terribly hilarious, of our vampire dentures falling out our big laughing mouths.

At home we built a fire and sat around it till dark, and then we cooked hotdogs and s’mores. It was lovely under that moon with my brothers and sisters. We wore scarves and marshmallows and mustard.

I wonder if you can hear it in my voice. I’m not pregnant, but this is how I sound when I’m pregnant, not hiding hiding much. While I was home we got some test results for Titus. We have noticed that he stays sick a lot. He keeps strange infections and gets viruses that none of the rest of us get. This seems to be why he doesn’t gain weight well. The tests show that he’s had zero immune response to all the immunizations he’s received. This means that he could get the same cold over and over. He could get whooping cough. He could get diphtheria. It means that as of right now, all we know is that something is wonky with his immune system. Imagination goes auto-immune disease or metabolic disorder. We’re giving more immunizations to try to seemingly snap him out of it, and in six weeks we’ll test to see if there’s been an immune response.

I don’t know much, but I do know his doctors love us. I know God does more. I know I dabble my toes in the pain a little so I don’t go numb, and then I pull them out. I wake in the morning, put on my makeup and then my shoes, the final thing. With the shoes, I’m ready for the day, Gospel of Peace.

amberhaines

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27 Comments

I'm so glad you ate s'mores. Those are soul food for the sad and weary. So sorry about Titus, but glad you're getting the tiniest smidge of answers and have more to follow-up on. And I'm with you on Zombie-day. I'm all for fun and games. But it's all just a little creepy. We had a friend visit us from Uganda a few weeks ago and he was aghast at all the Halloween stuff. He told us, "In my country, this is real. Wizards and witches make human sacrifices and why would you celebrate that?" We squirmed and didn't have an answer. So even though I'd bought my kids some cute new newsies hats, we'll be holed up in our den again, watching movies. But I'm putting a heap of candy out on my front porch for the neighbors, because I hate being inhospitable. Oh, so conflicted! Love you, lady. Soak up that Mama love!!

My heart smiled big when I saw you chomping the s'more. There was crazy in your eyes :).

And this road you're walkin' is doing some great work that I pray you understand and see sooner rather than later. You sound refreshed, and I s'pose the greens did that for you, but when you get that close to Chattanooga, I always wish you'd inch a little farther East for a visit with me. Except now, that would be a LOT farther east or west or just far far away for the geographically impaired.

First, you have to know you can't show a pregnant lady smores first thing in the morning without inspiring MAD cravings. Gooey marshmallows ..... yummmmmm.... That picture of you chomping into one is THE BEST.

Oh, the news. Oh, Titus.

We've been praying for so long that you would receive answers. It sounds like this answer only brings more questions. Continuing on in praying with you for healing. Praying hope and strength and refreshment for your Mama heart. Love you, lady.

Greens and s'mores and turnip-picking in the same trip? Why oh why are we not related?

I continue to pray for Titus and for all of you. Thankful for good and loving doctors and that you are surrounded by so many who will carry you when you need it. And thankful for slivers of answers coming along slowly.

Dabble your toes in the pain...to stay present, aware...to know and own all the grace He WILL give you for this season. It's a holy place. A hard place. A get to know Him, place. Praying that His very presence will sustain you, hold you and surround you and your family. Love you! ~Kristin

Don't leave those dabbling toes in the pool of pain too too long. Warm them by that fire of Hope right there where the heat warms the soul and the smores. Praying for you all, each one and Titus especially. Your words are pregnant, even if you are not. Full of life, friend.

Laura

A lady in my neighborhood with little 18 month old twin tots has the scariest yard on our block. I try to distract the three and one year old from looking right, pointing out the yards across the street, the cars going by. I shop alone in October to keep the little eyes from costume aisles with electronic witches and ghosts.

I wish I could put my kids in a bubble so they aren't tainted by the scary, the ghoulishness of Halloween. But there are scarier things than Halloween - and our earth is groaning with the weight of them.

I turn my porch light off and take my kids to the movies instead of waiting for the bell to ring for candy. We have candy and dress up on other times of the year - often. Some might think it's running away from an opportunity, but I just can't marry myself to it.

I'm praying for your little man. Mine has had scares with going through and not with the growth curve, too... and he is my fourth. I'm watching with hope that he will gain weight and learn to like more foods (such a picky eater). I'll keep your guy in our prayers for strength and health and becoming big.

oh girl. i love you so, so much. and i love your sweet titus. i'm crying as i write this because i see you, i see him, i see the love he's surrounded by, and the hard of it all. and i'm not going to quit praying for a miracle. you are so beautiful my friend. and halloween creeps me out too. xo

Dear Amber, loved reading of your joyful moments with family, greens, s'mores, hayrides and all that's good. And I join with all the others praying for you as you dip toes, draw them out and fit yourself with those gospel shoes. My heart is with you in your mama pain, and I'm lifting up you, Seth and your precious Titus.

This is my most favorite post you've ever written. I think it is because of your word choices that are honestly how I talk. For example "mess of greens" and "singin." Words that cause me to hear my momma's voice in my head when I say them. My son laughs at me, but I cannot let go of the nostalgia and her way of life though I now live in the "big city." Thank you for sharing with simplicity your heart and your update on your boy. He is precious and I know you are doing what is best for him. Do keep guilt far away. I think people mean well, but you know...you are his momma. God chose you for him and he has placed in sacred places within you all that you need to know. Much love to you and your family!

I tried to leave a comment yesterday and found my heart was too full to do so. This journey with your sweet boy has been such a tender, tough one. And to read that he has some immune issues underlying it all - it just make my heart sink. I am so sorry, dear Amber. For him, for you and Seth, for your older boys - for all of you. And I pray peace and medical and spiritual wisdom for everyone involved in his care. We've got a little one with autoimmune issues newly diagnosed, so maybe this is just too close to me right now. Her journey is very different - yet somehow related, in my mind, at least. She was just diagnosed with JIA (juvenile idiopathic arthritis) and will begin at least one year of fairly invasive treatment to see if she will fall in the 60% who go into remission at the end of one year. She is not yet three and we cared for her every week, usually twice a week for over two years. She's our baby and we cannot stand to see her in pain. So I get parts of this, Amber. Yes, I do. And I continue to pray for you all - and for us, too. Because this is hard. That is all there is to say. Except I love your heart and your words and I thank you for both.

Story-Letter

A Haines Home CompanionThe Monthly Story-Letter

This letter is for friends, family, and fellow-writers and artists who like the quieter ways to engage online. I'll be one part goofy to two parts poetry. I'll share my story with you and hope you'll respond with yours, too.