Sunday, June 19, 2011

Split Personality

I feel as if I have a split personality when I think about where my faith lies lately. I'd say the death of a baby can really test one's faith. I honestly feel like I have two train of thoughts on this matter. One side of me knows that Collin is with our Lord and Savior, but the other part of me feels angry and questions how my God can bless me with a pregnancy only to take it away in such a devastating way. How do I reconcile my two thought patterns?

Over the last 8 weeks, I've not had much interest in going back to church. We decided to start back again today; however our church was having "baby dedication" day today. Both Manny and I felt like we weren't emotionally prepared to sit through everyone dedicating their LIVING children to a life of Jesus. It is a great decision, but we weren't ready for seeing it today. Afterall, we have given one of our children to God in the most literal sense. My faithful side realizes that God has called Collin for a special purpose. But my angry side wants him here on Earth with us. We decided to go to a friend's church. Everyone was welcoming and friendly. I'm still going through major anxiety with crowds of people. (My "before Collin" self loved meeting new people and making friends), but seeing new people in a crowded setting gives me horrible anxiety. I guess I'm afraid of running into people I know and having to explain why my son isn't here with us. Or I'm afraid of getting the question "how many children do you have?" It's such an innocent question, but it's one I can no longer bring myself to ask others. How do I answer? Do I say five and then have to explain that one is in heaven? Then that person feels terrible. Do I say four? Then it seems like I'm not honoring the existence of my son, Collin? It's one of those questions that I dread being asked. I want to retreat into a shell. And of course someone DID ask today. And wouldn't you know, out of all the seats available in the church, a pregnant woman comes and sits directly in front of us. There's constant reminders around us that we no longer have Collin.

Anyhow, back to church....yes,everyone was pleasant and I had an anxiety attack. We go in and listen to the worship choir sing. The pastor starts his sermon. I'd already started crying before the pastor could even begin preaching. One of his messages was to "surrender your worries, pains, and fears to Jesus". My faithful side says "I need to let it go, give it to God", but my angry side kicks in and almost makes me roll my eyes. Horrible! I literally feel the battle within myself. Today, being the first day back in church, was so overwhelming that I almost had to get up and walk out. (If it weren't for Manny's arms around me, I would have) I cried throughout the entire sermon. I thought to myself...I can't do this. I can't come back to God while I'm so angry. How can he fix me? Why would he want to fix me? When will he fix me? When will this pain go away? Do I want it to go away? How can I be worthy of His love and grace when I feel so angry with Him?

What I do know is that I desperately need my ever faithful friends to help bring me back to Jesus. I need them to lean on. I need their guidance throughout this storm. I've come to realize that all of this, my anxiety, depression, anger, scatterbrained-ness, hopelessness, battles with my faith, are all part of my Journey through Losing a Child. I know I'm not alone in this journey. I also have to believe that my son is sitting in the most peaceful place we can imagine and that he is feeling utter and divine love. That little belief and knowing I'll see Collin again is what helps me get through my darkest hours.

I love you Collin. I miss you so much. I pray that my family finds peace. I pray I can reslove my two "personalities" one day.

2 comments:

I would like to let you know that I have been in the same position as you. My angel daughter has now been gone for 12 years. I felt like after her death that there became 2 of me. An at time I did not know which side I should show to people. It has taken time, but I am so much better. I still have some of those days. I have a support group that I started in my area. I have been able to help other new parents of angels find some comfort. Please feel free to contact me at any time. I am on facebook. Rebecca L. M. Youssef

Sweet friend - never stop asking questions and never wall off your anger. It's only when we close ourselves off that God cannot reach us. After all, He doesn't tell us to not be angry but instead to not sin in our anger. To reject Him entirely would be sin; crying out in anger and sorrw is not. You said yourself, you are not who you were before. One day one person will emerge from the two people warring within you. Will you stop talking to God and allow the anger to wall you off from the healing only He can give? OR will you, in righteous anger against the loss of a precious and loved child, pour out your anger at His feet?

There was a time I kept my distance from God. To worship in Spirit and in truth meant allowing my pain to show. I went to church, sang the songs, and stayed safely and comfortably behind my wall. It was only after I got good and mad and actually talked to God about it that He brought healing and relief. (If you call telling God - if this is the life you have for me, then I don't want it - "talking"...) This was followed by many sermons spent crying with my husband's arm tightly around my shoulders.

Don't get me wrong, I still am very sad and sometimes angry that Jeff and I haven't been able to have children biologically.(there is some pain that never goes away, even when great blessing comes). I've struggled so much lately with the concept that I've never held any of my children for the first time knowing that they were MINE and someone coudln't take them away from us by simply changing their mind. But, speaking from the other side of the grief, there's no way I could say I wish it could have been different because I love my two precious boys beyond comprehension.

I say get mad, tell Him so, cry whenever and wherever you need to, and He will do the rest.