The £160k Oscars 2016 Goody Bag Contains A Free Boob Job And Sex Toy

Ever get that feeling, rifling through your Oscars swag bag of goodies, where you just can’t see the Vampire Breast Lift® you were hoping for? Very frustrating. Happens all the time. Every year, in fact – until now.

Because in this year’s goody bags, Oscar nominees in the acting and directing categories can expect to receive not only the £1,300 Vampire Breast Lift® – yes, actual TM, we’ll get to that in a minute – but also a 10-day trip to Israel worth £38K, a year’s worth of car rentals, toilet paper worth £190 and (slightly pricier than luxury toilet paper, apparently) personalised M&Ms worth £207. There’s even a £170 ‘arouser for her’ which provides ‘gentle suction and stimulation’. The total bag is reportedly worth no less than £160,606.

Back to this trademarked rejuvenating breast lift thing though. It’s a 15-minute, implant-less procedure that uses recipients’ own ‘platelet-rich plasma’ to “restore the breast to a more natural shape.” That basically means they draw blood from their arm, spin it at a high speed to separate the special vampire plasma, and inject it back in the boob. Results last anything from a year to a lifetime, apparently.

The stuff on the cheaper end of the spectrum is simultaneously just as entertaining and depressing. There’s a dual-chamber vape, which Leo DiCaprio may well crack out, but the underarm “sweat solution” from Dandi Patch says a lot about the gold-leaf sheen of the awards night, as do the Hydroxycut Gummies, a weight-loss aid. It’s a list that screams Hollywood’s perfectionist image issues from the rooftops, then trails off into a mad, delusional laugh.