Monday, February 16, 2015

So I went to FHE last Monday and the first thing I do is walk straight up to Harry and give him a good shaking.

Get a hold of yourself! (The trick is the hand placement and the intensity of the shaking, you want to make their head whip back and forth just enough to rattle their brain and make them come to their senses, but not enough to leave them mentally impaired)

Okay I didn't do that (although that's not to say I don't think it would be effective). Instead, I wait until after FHE ends to corner him in privacy and start my intervention (I wanted to bring a big banner that said "Intervention" but sadly did not have time).

Our conversation:

Me: So what is going on with you and Xena, seems like you have been spending a lot of time together?

Harry: Yeah I really like her, but we are just friends at this point

Me: So have you made any moves yet? like have you kissed her? (at this point I smile and raise my hand as if to give him a high five)

Me: Okay man, what do you want out of all this? Do you really just want to be friends?

Harry: No I want to date her

Me: Have you had a DTR?

Harry: Kinda, but not really. I've tried to bring it up but she just says that she really likes hanging out with me and then changes the subject

Me: Dude, you HAVE to make a move or something. Either try to kiss her or have a serious DTR where you make it clear you want to date and not just be friends. Serioulsy just from my perspective as an objective 3rd party, you have to change the status quo. You guys have been hanging out non stop for like 3 months with her never letting things progress. Prolonging things further will not help at all.

You know what, he seemed really receptive to my counsel. I think inspired him to act. Showed him the light you could say.

Next day, I see him at Institute and he tells me that "it is finished" (which I couldn't help but giggle at), I ask what that means and he says he spoke his mind and that him and Xena are done.

At that moment, I was so proud of him I gave him the same look that Gandalf gave Frodo at the end of the Lord of the Rings:

So proud

Fast forward to this weekend at our ward party. And I see him and Xena together and talking and laughing it up the whole time.

ARE YOU CEREAL RIGHT NOW?

So I of course do what any good friend would do.

GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF MAN!

I didn't get a chance to really talk to him (or slap him really hard in the face) but I did catch him for a second and asked what gives. He just said she became more flirty once he stopped talking to her and he couldn't help himself.

So he's screwed. Sooo screwed.

That man is sick in the head. He can't give it up! He is holding on to that hope she keeps feeding him. Those words she knows he wants to hear. Hope can be a great inspirational thing or it can be a horrible debilitating thing.

At the same time, I can't help but respect Harry. You know what I mean? He knows what he wants and he's willing to suffer for it, lose all self respect for it, pay for its meals on platonic dates, always be there for it, help it do anything it needs. Maybe I wish I could be so committed and reckless. He is making a leap of faith. Can you blame him? He obviously feels like its worth giving it a shot, even if it is a long shot.

And maybe, just maybe Xena will see how much he cares about her and fall for him........

....yeah that's never going to happen. What will happen is one of three things. 1) Harry reaches a breaking point 2) Xena finally feels bad enough to release him or 3) Xena becomes interested in a guy and things end when she starts dating the new fellow.

If I had to guess, its probably #3. Harry doesn't show any signs of breaking and Xena I am sure if I asked her would say that she is "confused". When girls say that they are "confused" in a scenario like this, what they really mean is: I'm not romantically interested in him, but I really like all the benefits of having him around, and I feel like I should like him because of how nice he is to me, so I will keep giving him enough hope so he won't give up, even though I know if its killing him. Then the girl can feel like she is also a victim because its not pleasant feeling to be confused. And because in her mind she is a victim inflicted with confusion, her actions are more justifiable.

I've seen it too many times. Its a dangerous dating world out there, a moment of silence for our fallen comrades.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Since there is currently nothing going on in my own love life, I have found that I am much more interested in other people's love lives that I normally would be (maybe this is what married people feel like and why they are always trying to set me up on dates.)

One relationship I am currently emotionally invested in involves 2 of my friends from the ward.

Let's call the girl Xena, just because. I've personally never really been attracted to Xena (the girl in my ward, not the warrior princess), but I can see how people would find her attractive. Besides her personality is definitely not my cup of tea, so I've never been interested in her. She has been very flirty with me on occasion, but that's just how she is.

(Those bangs)

The guy, lets call him Harry, just because I recently read a lot JK Rowling tweets. Anyways, he's a really smart, sociable guy with a great job. Maybe a little nerdy/goofy and not really what you would call a physical specimen so to speak, more on the average/soft side appearance wise. I don't know him super well, but I really like him from our limited interactions.

(Whiz-bangs)

So about 2 months ago I heard that Xena had a new make-out buddy, but I didn't think twice about it or dig to find out who it was. Then a few weeks ago I started to notice that Xena and Harry were always with each other. I put two and two together and determined that Harry is the mystery make-out buddy. And my first thought was, "Nice job Harry!", my second thought was something about bananas, my third thought was "I would have never would have guessed those two would hook up". I thought Xena was a little too shallow to go for him, but I just figured Harry must be smoother than I thought. HARRY'S GOT GAME Y'ALL.

Turns out I was wrong (and right). Harry is not Xena's make-out buddy as I thought (so I was wrong there), some other guy who is not nearly as smart, but who incidentally is much more muscular is the make-out buddy (so I was right about the shallow thing). The worst part is that Harry does really really like Xena. And has been going with her everywhere the last 2 months. Talking with her late into the night (well when she's not snogging with the other guy). Going shopping with her. Taking care of her when she's sick. Spending all weekend helping her move.

Man down! Man down! This is a level 5 friend zoning and I can't just stand idly by. I have to do something! I'll save you Harry!

No but really I am having a man to man conversation with Harry the next chance I get. He's going to learn today! (or actually probably tomorrow at FHE cuz it pretty freaking late tonight)