It was a rhetorical question. I asked myself this as I stared slack-jawed at the driveway of a mansion I very well knew was in Weston. Out there, by myself, I was hunting down what was supposed would be a wild pool party full of Miami socialites, but all I saw were construction workers.

"Excuse me," I called through the window of my car, "I'm looking..."

Before I could finish, they waved me towards the back. So I had found the place after all.

It was just about one o'clock in the afternoon. The flyer had said 10 a.m. to 10 p.m., and it was prime-time for catching rays already. I'd been feeling bad about being late, but judging by the lack of music and near-naked bodies, I was painfully early.

This mansion may have been in Weston, but this party was on Miami time.

That was Justin's excuse. He's one half of Wynwood art duo 2Square and was the first person I found on the property. He seemed pretty easy going. Maybe it was the red and black robe and pajama-pant ensemble that gave me the impression. He explained they were still getting things set up, whoever "they" were, and after tracking down the ladies room, I hunted for free liquor.

Alex Markow

Thankfully, it was everywhere. There was a bottle of Grey Goose by the grill, and a whole basket-load of rums and tequilas on a nearby table. The burgers and hot dogs were grilled after more people arrived, but until then, we could stuff ourselves with boxes of Rice Krispy treats.

By about 2, enough partiers had shown up to have some conversation. There was a flight attendant on vacation from New Jersey, a high school AP teacher from the area, a Wynwood interior designer who was frustrated because she felt "more like a decorator than an artist." More importantly, I met two big cups of vodka and a shot of rum. Things were getting started.

Even with all these introductions, I didn't meet anyone who seemed to really know the owner of the mansion. I briefly met the son, Ali, who was acting as a host and whose parents were the king and queen of what was essentially a modern-American castle. There were giant elephant statues in the courtyard -- statues which drunk people would later be climbing -- cute dolphin sculptures guarding the balcony, and all the shrubbery was very neatly manicured. We'd heard something about secret gardens, but I never found any.

Alex Markow

Exploring inside the mansion was off limits, of course, which must have something like 50 rooms. It's like three or four White Houses, and it's tucked in the middle of Weston, making the rest of that classy-ass add-water community look like the worst parts of Davie.

But who gives a fuck about seeing the intricate design of gluttonous wealth inside when there's a perfectly good double water slide, secret grotto swimming pool to enjoy? I was still curious, but lotioned up and got in the pool anyway. It was almost 3, and the sound system was finally set up and running, and enough people had come around to leave jumping in unavoidable. Plus, it was hot as hell.

Alex Markow

Don RedFox and someone else laying down the smooth disco with a bit of hip-hop flair getting the party started. Climbing over the manufactured but natural-looking rock-stairs into the swimming pool proper, I did an exploratory lap.

Something about the water slides looked dry and scrape-inducing, so I nixed the idea of going down one, hoping someone drunker might try it first. The water in the pool was nothing short of amazing, and later, I took a moment to hide in the grotto area. I thought about how funny it would be to pee and secretly lol at everyone swimming lavishly and loving life in the world's most glorious toilet. I chickened out and held it though.