Monday, January 3, 2011

Slum Dog Turned Millionaire

My gosh! Can't these humans work out how NOT to get red or green eyes when they use a flash????

Everybody's doing it! Blogging like crazy...just because it's a new year. Bet it won't last!

Personally I can't see what all the fuss is about. New Year just brings out those dreadfully noisy fireworks. We canines can do without that!!!

Here I am, in "The Dogs' Room" tyring to make short work of an ostrich bone. I don't sleep here at night, BTW. I sleep on my bed, INSIDE.

I just HAVE to be in on the action with everything... so here I am, blogging again. Toby wanted to come, too, but I had to sharply nip his ankles and remind him...I'm the alpha male around here. He's still just a kid, even if he's three times my size. Blogging is MY THING! He can go chase his tail or chew a bone. This is MY TIME! Please click the read more button below to continue ;)Last time, I gave you some great tips on how to have a good day. Today, I want to tell you a bit about myself, because I hear EVERYONE'S writing their AUTOBIOGRAPHY...even if they're only two bricks and a ticky high, with very little life experience behind them. Totally daft, if you want my opinion!

WHOA! This is one mighty big bone...don't think it will get me beat, though! I have enough tenacity to teach a shark a thing or two!!!

Now, in dog years I'm only 6, but in human years, that's about 42...so, believe me, I'm certainly no uppity youngster fresh on the block. I do have LIFE EXPERIENCE!

Been helpful, sorting out some laundry here!

These younger autobiographers always seem to want to start at the beginning (I guess this is because they wouldn't be left with very much else to say, if they started where they ARE and worked backwards!!!)...so, I reckon that's as good a place as any. I'll start at THE BEGINNING, too...

Here I am, not much over 5 weeks old. I thought mondo gress was just too marvellous!

I was barely 5 weeks old (eyes still grey blue and misty), born in really dire circumstances, the genuine SLUM DOG artefact (how do you like my new word? I heard it on the National Geographic History Channel.)

That's me, doing my large white rat impression.

Some Street kids had found me (they probably ran away from home, because their circumstances were almost as bad as mine were!).

I could comfortably fit in this drain channel. It seemed a safe place not to get trodden on!

They thought I'd be good to play catch with (I know, they probably didn't have a ball to call their own, so no hard feelings on my part, I guess).

I mean, really! Just look how small I was. I had to be on the alert pretty much all the time!

Titch that I was, I was powerless to disagree (barely had all my milk teeth and my pissy growl was far too feeble. They just laughed at me!).

Believe me, they wouldn't get away with tossing me about like that, now!! But see how vulnerable and helpless I was at 5 weeks old!

Anyway, before I could even bite at a pesky flea, there I was, being tossed between them on the edge of a busy road.

I don't know why I got myself behind this thing. Now what's the best way out of here?

I don't know what was scarier - the speeding traffic or having to second guess when I'd be dropped! It was some hair-raising stuff, let me tell you!!!

Ah, peace and quiet at last. This was my favourite spot in the kitchen to catch forty winks. Not much chance of being stepped on, here!

Luckily for me though (and I'm sure my God-given good looks had a big part to play in this), a big car suddenly screeched to a halt and a large man headed in our direction, waving his fist. He made it clear he didn't want to hit me, thank goodness, but yelled at those kids to STOP and then made them hand me over.

I mean, even my new rope toy was bigger than I was!

Oh, Boy! Was it nice to sink into those huge, meaty hands and hope know my fate was about to change. I was bundled into the car and driven to a PLACE OF SAFETY.

Just what is it about being close to our human's shoes that is so, so comforting to a pup? I hadn't got into chewing them at this stage...that came later :)

I'd never been inside a veterinary surgery before - the smell put me off a bit, but the people there seemed kind and, after checking me all over (and I mean ALL OVER!) and pronouncing me fit as a fiddle, I was offered some food.

I hadn't been near my Mother for several hours, so I was mighty hungry and thirsty, but this was all new to me. No teat to latch on to! Anyway, I'm a really bright boy and it wasn't long before I'd figured out what to do.

At this stage, no one had a clue what I was going to grow up into. They seemed to suspect some Lab and terrier made up my genetic ingredients, but I wasn't worried about any of that. I just knew I'd inherited all the best from whatever mix I came from and that, as long as I was loved and well-cared for, I'd be the happiest pup alive! Here I was practising my super appealing look.

All those kind people stood about grinning and ooohing and aaahing while I chomped my way through those hard little grits. I must say, they did taste better than they looked.

I couldn't have cared less about the attention right then. All I wanted was somewhere safe to sleep! My little belly was full to bursting after I'd eaten all that food and thirstily lapped a bowl of water (FRESH! never tasted that before...all the puddles I'd seen were health-hazard cesspools!)

Anyway, believe it or not, these humans seemed to be mind-readers, too and soon had me comfortably settled in a safe pen, on a CLEAN blanket. HEAVEN! My fate was sealed. Never again would I have to return to the filthy, tick and flea infested hovel I'd had to call "HOME."

There they are with that damn flash - now I know I'll have the evil eye again! Can't they SEE I'm trying to sleep?

I knew, for sure now, I was home and dry. But no, it was going to get even BETTER a few days ahead. I was busy practising all my cutest, most adorable faces and poses, when in walked this woman. She looked kind, but to be honest, I didn't pay her too much attention. I was too busy getting to grips with all my charm options.

Anyway, I suddenly sense, "I'm being watched!" so, quick as a blink, I seat myself down. I know I looked at my cutest then, because that really got this woman cooing. Then I hear the kind, receptionist lady at the counter say, "Oh, he's looking for a home! Someone rescued him on the side of the road...blah,blah,blah" (you know how these humans LOVE to talk!)

I blink at the words, "he's looking for a new home!"

Am I? I thought THIS was my home!

Then I hear the woman say to the kind, receptionist lady, "Really? Oh, no, we couldn't take him with us! Our two Sheps would snack him in a moment!"

YIPES!!!HORRORS!!!NO WAY, JOSE!!! (how do you like my Mexican...picked that up on TV, too!)

BUT THEN, this foolish woman calls in her daughter, a pretty young thing, past puppyhood, and she goes, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! CUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!!!!!! PLEEEEEEEZE can we have him????"

The Mother goes, "What will your Father think! He won't be at all pleased...!" but by then, I could tell she was just looking for excuses. It was clear she'd already made up her mind to take me. Humans and their pretences and delaying tactics...we canines don't ever work like that! We see something, we want it, we go for it!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, they paid for the bags of specialist dog food, picked me up and called out, jokingly, (I KNEW they were only joking!) that they'd take me home ON APPRO for the weekend and see if the other dogs accepted me and whether I'd fit in. Otherwise, they said, they'd return me on Monday.

NO WAYS, said I!!! I knew this SLUM DOG was about to become a MILLIONAIRE!!!

Those two Sheps had no say in this at all...besides, they instantly turned into broody bitches and drooled lovingly all over me. I was truly drenched!

Phew! Escaped from those drooling bitches again! Peace at last!

I had no problem whatsover in winning over the Father, either! He was smitten at first sight. I believe he made a vague pretence at disapproval, but that was before he'd walked out to the car to take a look...from then on, there was NO TURNING BACK!!!

Those self-coached, charm lessons of mine paid big dividends! I've been living off the proceeds ever since!!!

OK, I'm off to teach Toby some more life skills now! At 9 months of age, he still has plenty to learn...how do you like my turn of speed?!

Ahhh...to lead the life of a dog! You DO have it all, you know! But the best part is that YOU don't have to take all the decorations down and put them all away..and Mele won't help. She just drug a bunch of wet sticks in onto the carpet this morning on that long fur of hers...and made some lame excuse that she was HUNTING! Boloney! Looks like you are off to a great start in the New Year!!

Well there you are in your new profile picture, prettier than your flowers. I have never heard of an ostrich bone , to give to a dog. Has to be something South African for sure. You have a definite grouping of spoiled rotten pups, take care, Gina

Ostrich bones are softer (spongier) than beef or lamb bones, which we never give our dogs. They are apparently a lot safer and a good way to get their teeth clean. We take them away once the rounded ends have been gnawed off.

Heathcliff you are looking good in 2011! I have been put on a wee diet, not very impressed, you would think the staff would realise if I stand on the bed and meow in their ear at 6am I want breakfast, and pronto.....!Pru xx

Like you, I am determined to not have an unmanageable list of blogs to follow. I believe that one should not follow a blog unless they manage to actually read them.

I love your Heathcliff stories. Now I am nervous about starting one on my pup. (Incidentally, his name is Toby - Totally Tubular Toby - to be exact). I don't think I can even come close to your kind of excellence! (No, I am not putting it on. I mean it. That was terrific!) kt