9
August 2003 – Dark Lieutenant Alston wrests control of ABC from un-Australians

DarkLieutenant Alston’s forces have seized control of the Australian Broadcasting
Corporation, after a two-hour street battle and shocking revelations that many
ABC staff were linked to Al Qaeda.

In an impromptu speech from atop a tank in
Ultimo, the Dark Master of Minds pledged that although some core personnel might
have to be killed, the armed takeover would not seriously alter the focus of
the national broadcaster.

Our Dark Lord is now midway
through a fortnight-long factfinding tour of the Axis of Evil, and visited
Baghdad yesterday as part of his quest for world's best practice in government.
President Saddam joined our glorious overlord for several hours of fruitful
talks on social restructuring and the tactful repression of minorities, and
there was also serious negotiation on the new 'bombs for wheat deal'.

Our
Satanic Majesty is pictured left after he accepted an invitation to tour the
set of the 'Happy Saddam Hour', the current flagship of Iraqi children's
programming. The Iraqi nation is regarded as world-standard in its elimination
of anti-government bias in public media.

31/10/2002
- PM WINS HUMAN RIGHTS AWARD!

The glorious Prime Monster of
the Satanic Liberal Party has won peer praise and a lifetime achievement award
for his tireless work against human rights.

The
award was presented by Lucifer himself, manifesting at the 5067th
Academy Awards for Evil,held in Los Angeles, California. The international gathering of
evildoers singled out our lord for his brave crusade against refugees, and the
award bears the inscription ‘A beacon of despair in a sea of doubt’ as lasting
tribute to the efforts of His Satanic Majesty.

There
was a wide field of evil represented at this year's event, and competition was
fierce. The only other Australian nomination went to Lord Downer, for ‘Best
Henchman in a Supporting Role’, with eventual honors in that category going to
Tony Blair.

There
was some controversy at the awards, after Saddam Hussein was once again
selected as 'Demagogue Most Likely To Be The Anti-Christ' in the people's
choice section. This disappointed many who feel that the vote was essentially
stolen from George Bush Jr, and some critics allege President Bush's material
is simply too populist to be recognized by the Academy, and that ballots were
made deliberately confusing for elderly evildoers in order to maintain the
Hussein franchise.

Victory
2001!

The Satanic Liberal Party is
again victorious nationwide, after the Australian people handed the party yet
another massive mandate for cruel and violent change.

In a
statement today, Dark Lord Howard announced the win was a sign of national
approval for the government's new "Capital Punishment for Foreigners"
policy, and added that its time for Australia to "put the boot in"
where humanitarian issues are concerned.

His
Satanic Majesty is pictured left, demonstrating his new prosthetic iron fist.

1/7/2001
- Nation in mourning after Peter Reith's head explodes

Peter Reith, Dark Lieutenant
to our Satanic Lord, died tragically in Canberra yesterday, as a result of a
massive cranial explosion. He was 207.

Mr
Reith was engaged in the latest round of global talks on reviving the arms
industry, and in the middle of his keynote speech, when his head began to
expand rapidly. This picture was taken seconds before his head finally burst,
injuring several other attendees.

Authorities
suspect that Mr Reith was the victim of an exorcism being performed in a nearby
hotel. Three priests have been detained for questioning, but the incident was
apparently a tragic mishap, with the late Minister not being the intended
target.

A new era in occult
transportation began yesterday, when Our Satanic Majesty opened a new four-lane
portal to the seventh layer of Hell, marking the successful conclusion of five
years of planning and construction.

Experts
hail the portal as setting a new standard in the field of underling transport
technology, and predict that the millions of undead the portal should attract
will be a boon for the economy. The portal is also forecast to cut commuting
times in half, and may play a critical role in the government's planned streamlining
of the nation's Aged Care system.

19/4/2001
- Fat Controller killed in freak poultry mishap

The
British necromancy pioneer known as the 'Fat Controller' was found dead today
after a bizarre accident apparently occurred during the routine decapitation of
a flock of chickens. We offer our condolences to his family and minions.

15/6/2000
- De-Conciliation Commission to be set in motion

Our Satanic Lord has decreed
that a commission be established to prevent the outbreak of unnecessary
conciliation, to be headed by an as-yet unnamed malignant agent of evil.

He
made the announcement after intensive talks with United States intolerance
experts, and is pictured left with image consultants during a three day retreat
at the Pit of Eternal Damnation, in the Gold Coast.

According
to misshapen underlings, recent outbreaks of remorse and forgiveness across the
nation prompted the move, and Dark Lord Howard specifically mentioned the need
to save Australia's youth from the scourge of universal understanding.

"We
need to stop forgiving each other for violence committed by past
generations", His Satanic Majesty said, "and concentrate on
committing atrocities in the here and now."

"A
whole generation is growing up without the ability to perpetrate even the most
basic acts of villainy, and a firm hand is needed to get these people-loving
bludgers to give up their namby-pamby love-ins. The coercive powers of this
commission will get everyone out into the street and stabbing each other with
pointed sticks."

"Just
like the good old days", added our Satanic Overlord, "This commission
will keep Australia divided for years to come."

23/5/2000
- Global domination talks underway

Talks on global domination
began yesterday between two of the three major factions of the forces of
darkness. Our Dark Lord himself is pictured left, in preparatory talks with
Bert.

Current
discussions are proving fruitful in such areas as inter-evil defence
cooperation and homicidal demarcation disputes. Another focus is on the
coordination of exploitation to avoid duplicating mayhem unnecessarily,
enabling the dark knights of Satan to allocate their resources more
efficiently.

Microsoft
boycotted the talks, citing a perceived lack of evian water in the High Temple
of Lucifer, but insider rumours allege Microsoft is playing for time, as it
attempts to gain a complete monopoly of evil.