Sandy: A Lesson in Empathy

Visiting the east coast, I was jolted out of my complacency and lack of sensitivity.

Sure I read the paper. Sure I looked at some photos online. But it was sunny here in southern California. None of the news about Hurricane Sandy and its horrific aftermath was quite real to me. (“That’s terrible; please pass the chicken.”)

“Weren’t you concerned about us? You didn’t even call!” admonished a friend.

“Uh…well…I was busy and…” They lived inland. No flooding. Maybe they lost power. We’ve lost power before; what’s the big deal? There are candles, flashlights, high-powered flashlights, gas stove tops…

But, of course, I forgot about the cold, the bitter cold. We’ve been having a heat wave. And what is like to lose power for days on end, not just a few hours in the middle of the night? I started to readjust my thinking, try to deepen my sympathy.

But I was busy. My life is hectic. I did have other things on my mind. My world had narrowed…

Then I took a trip to the east coast for a wedding (Mazel Tov Ari and Zahava!).Although we saw little of the actual devastation, we saw the lines for gas – blocks and blocks of them. Hours and hours of waiting. Once again, we were spoiled, having picked up a rental car at the airport equipped with a full tank of gas. (We could probably have sold it even for double what Hertz charges!) And then I started hearing the stories – and meeting the people. Sitting across from me at the well-attended wedding (I think everyone was grateful for the opportunity to celebrate) was a family from Far Rockaway whose home was submerged under water. A simple home, years of family life and needs – gone.

At another table sat a woman who had watched her bedroom furniture float down the street. It would be funny if it weren’t tragic. And yet another guest was a newlywed who had just used their wedding gifts to set up home. Nothing was left. Her husband was wearing sandals on his feet (and it was cold!), all that remained of his possessions.

I was bombarded with story after story, overwhelmed by the loss and the pain, jolted out of my complacency and lack of sensitivity.

But that wasn’t all. I heard the amazing stories of kindness as well – how every home from Brooklyn, Queens, Passaic and more had taken in “refugees” from the storm, often more than one family at a time. How there were posted schedules for washing machine use and pooling of culinary skills. The amount of hospitality and generosity was staggering and moving. I was an outsider here as well. I wanted to be part of that kindness but I didn’t live there; I wasn’t a full participant in the drama.

But it’s not about me. And my job is to do what I can to help, and to work on my empathy skills, to break out of my self and family-centered existence and to pay attention to other people’s lives and needs. It’s too easy (I like to think I’m not alone here) to be wrapped up in the demands of our daily lives and to become oblivious to the lives of others. We want to focus on the individuals, not the institutions.

As I flew home, I made a commitment to become better, different. And yet as I contemplated my schedule upon return, I had to stop myself from reverting to old patterns. My instinct was to contract inwards as I concentrated on all the work I had to do to catch up (like write my blog for aish.com) and to prepare for Shabbos. But wait! Sure we’re having guests but they’re not moving in with us. I stopped myself. I need to expand outward. My preparations are nothing compared to the stories I heard. No one’s wet clothes are sitting in my laundry room waiting for a turn at the dryer. No one else’s food is in my freezer. No strange family appears at the breakfast table. I have it easy; nothing to complain about, nothing to be stressed about.

And now the appeals are flooding my inbox. I don’t know how to distinguish between organizations but again, it’s too easy to make excuses and just not give. It’s too easy to once again distract myself from the pain. So I am thinking of a more personal mission. There is yet another young couple who lost all their material possessions (I think we should hesitate before saying they lost “everything”). I heard that the woman is going to “register” at Bed, Bath and Beyond so people can give to her in exactly the way she wants and needs (which I always say is the way giving is supposed to be). I’d like to contribute to her not-so-bridal registry. I’d like to help get them back on their feet. If you would like to participate, email me and I will send you the information.

The Almighty should help us all to really open our hearts to our brothers and sisters in need.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 6

(3)
Devora,
November 14, 2012 8:17 PM

CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE DISEASE

Dear Emunah,
Perhaps U need to earn the name ur parents gave u. U suffer from "Im the center of the universe disease". Unfortunately U R NOT the only one. I live in Brklyn & my own sister with 4 kids under age of 8 is still living with a different relative every week because the family cars drowned and 2 of my family homes were submerged in water over 10 feet in flood Zone A. This article infuriates me. We all complain that the typical American Jew feels nothing for the suffering of the Jews in Israel & is barely even culturally Jewish & yet here is U, an observant woman who manages to completely tune out the pain of Ur own brethren on the East Coast. This letter is a perfect example that perhaps U need to take some time out of Ur life and re examine Ur values, who U are, who U are being in the world and what U really stand for. I am however going to give U a helping hand. The organizations whose volunteers have generously given to the elderly & disable as well as families trapped in high rise building without electricity, gas, water and disabled elevators has been RAJE, COJECO, UJA. These ppl have given & given & continue to deliver food, water, blankets, socks, warm/dry clothing to the neediest of families. They have cooked food and walked up 25-30 stories via stairs to deliver food & water several times a day, every day since the storm. They continue to be in service & be an amazing contribution to the Jewish community. U should contact Esther Lamm at RAJE who has barley slept in weeks as she has co ordinated the efforts of thousands of volunteers who have kept the elderly alive through this incredibly challenging time. I urge U for not only Ur own sake but also what Ur children & grand children R seeing as an example of what & who to be in the world to revisit this attitude U have displayed so far and take action to transform it & urself into a better person.

K,
November 20, 2012 1:55 PM

What a nasty talkback

Devora - that was a really nasty response. Mrs Braverman was ACKNOWLEDGING her complacency until recently and had ALREADY undertaken to change it. Your response was totally uncalled for and indicates your arrogance. I suggest you read this article again and apologize to Emunah.

Anonymous,
November 20, 2012 10:09 PM

Devora, it sounds like you're in pain

You must be hurting very much. Please also consider the hurt in your words.

Susan,
November 27, 2012 4:25 PM

Thank you Emuna/ouch Devora

Emuna, thank you for keeping this problem on the surface, it gets buried with day to day living!
Devora, I pray that you go back and read this again. Put your anger on a hanger in the closet for the time. I am sure that Emuna was not saying what you thought you were reading. Your response hurt me as a mother just reading what you said. She even offered her email for anyone to write so she can supply them with ways to help! please, get some help with your anger, I agree with anonymous, you must be hurting, your response is born out of pain.

(2)
Anonymous,
November 13, 2012 5:03 PM

A few days ago my electricity was restored after being out for 13 days. I will do whatever I can to help those in my community whose losses were more substantial than mine. Thank you for writing this blog.

(1)
Alexandra,
November 13, 2012 4:57 PM

Thank you for writing this, Emuna, I can appreciate your feelings! I also feel that I am too preoccupied with my own stuff to empathize with the suffering of other people. After all, I don’t have to sleep in the cold, we drive to our parents warm apartment for the night. Yes, it was heartbreaking to see hundreds of my books and precious things from my candle lighting table spoiled by water and covered with leaves and mud, along with everything on the first floor of my house. On the other hand, what I see around me is not suffering but tremendous support and cooperation. The whole street is busy throwing out everything from their flooded first floors. The neighbors get together to pull out the heavier furniture and appliances. Flocks of volunteers walk around offering help. Charities give out hot food, tea, coffee. Now that I have been on the receiving end, I will find more meaning in my giving.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

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