Fear… again

So yeah, I had to schedule a new colonoscopy. Normally it is every ten years but when I got it done three years ago my system was so messed up (thank you ED) that I had to do a redo in 3 years, meaning now. They ordered an extended prep which is 2 days of clear liquids plus the horribleness that I have to drink to clear your system.

Why fear?

Physical, anorexic fear

Two days of fasting… I am hoping that by June I’ll have practiced eating my meal plan/prescription so that fasting won’t cause issues. The nutritionist, even though it was only one day, had me reintroduce foods over the course of 2-3 days so (1) my system wouldn’t go into shock and (2) I wouldn’t feel so god awful full. That planted thoughts into my head though, despite precautions. A few months later I was hospitalized from complications from surgery and didn’t eat for nearly 4 days. Guess what? Yep, the first fast started the decline and the second one solidified it, or maybe I should say incline in behavior leading to my latest relapse. So, although I’d like to think that I’ll be fine, past experience shows me it will be problematic. I have a new nutritionist so maybe it’ll be different.

Emotional, trauma fear

For some reason, my trauma won’t let me go. It’s been yeeeeeaaaaaarrrrrrsssssss, and yet, it still has a hold of me no matter how much work I do. Granted EMDR has helped significantly especially when it comes to daily living but there are exceptions like when something like this comes up. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out the particular trauma. My therapist says it’s because I’ve had trauma over and over and over up to and including an incident in treatment. The IFS Parts work opened me up and basically tore apart all the protections I had around that 7 year old child that felt utterly abandoned, confused, with no where to go and no one to turn to. The IFS therapist never told me how to deal with this so I once again felt the sting of abandonment, and then I was discharged. I left treatment in an utterly raw state, the very core of many of my issues laid open and vulnerable. That is why I fell off hard the very first night of leaving the program. That is why I’ve felt like I’ve been drowning, crushed, with no sense of control. It took a month of therapy to finally get to a realization of this. Fortunately we figured this out before I started iOP. I was able to go into the program less reactive, understanding my vulnerabilities. I hadn’t been feeling safe and I didn’t want iOP to feel like yet one more threatening place.

What I did this time

I knew right after I hung up with setting up that appointment that the probability of things going awry was high, eminent even. I decided I had to do something different this time, I couldn’t face another failure. I started by practicing my guitar. I learned a finger picking exercise that was super relaxing and nice to listen to. After that I laid down to rest and actually took a short nap (probably because I got 4 ½ hrs sleep) and when I woke up I had a short cry. I had my snack and called my therapist. I left a message on her machine explaining the situation and saying that I’d probably call in a few times this weekend just to get through till Monday. My appointment is Wednesday but iOP is Monday. I then sat down to work on a puzzle I started a few days ago. My thoughts kept going back to the trauma so it was hard. I ended up eating my before dinner snack, dinner, and after dinner snack within ½ hr of each other. Sometimes I do that, unconsciously, as an excuse to purge because of feeling too full which leads to panic. I certainly did feel full but instead I went to play cards with the ladies. Thank goodness there was cards tonight! That got me through although I wasn’t my usual chipper self. I was miserable but kept up appearances.

Today….

I somehow got 7 hrs of sleep last night, first time in who knows how long! Thank you tegretol. However, when I get more than 6 hrs I feel like a was hit by a ton of bricks and the fatigue is terrible. Why? Who knows. Plus there’s the chance of mania from added sleep. I know this is the opposite of most bipolar but it is what it is.

I have loads of things listed to do this weekend:

bake pumpernickel bread

bake white/oatmeal bread

make rice pudding, to use up rice (crockpot)

make bread pudding from the white loaves (crockpot)

clean house

organize everything from my closet to sorting books for donation

and of course eat, eat, eat, sigh

I’m thinking, with the rice pudding, I’ll make muffins or pancakes, or whatever comes to mind. It will all go into the freezer till I can ask the nutritionist what he considers a serving. Maybe I’ll make them into muffins first? That would be easier to eat than a creamy sweet dessert and I don’t do desserts… yet. I used half the sugar so hopefully it won’t be too sweet. I hope the bread pudding will come out to be like just another form of bread/carb requirement. I’m able to do bread and crackers, as required in my meal plan, but no other carb. I can, but till I’m challenged I probably won’t. My pattern is to eat the same thing over and over. It’s just me, I don’t like change.

Thoughts will be with me all day, everyday, for the next two months and who knows how long after. Overtime they come up I’ll visualize putting them in a box and on the shelf – compartmentalization exercise.

Okay, off to start the bread……….

Oh, and I forgot. I am doing a Positive Thursday challenge with one of my friends (her blog). I’m extending this challenge to you, yes you, whoever is reading this right now. I did write myself a post-it note but clearly will have to post-it note my entire flat, lol. So last Thursday:

First day at iOP!! Also got to talk to Bruce, the nutritionist, who kicked me in the butt (a good thing, lol).

Went to my doc, thought I had a hernia from purging, It was only a pulled or possibly separated muscle. Whew, dodged a bullet there!!

Had the therapy appointment that I mentioned above which gave me perspective of why things have been so difficult.