Tuesday, July 1, 2014

BREAKING NEWS: JOBS EDITION

White House spokesman Josh Earnest
announced today the administration’s latest plan to improve the employment
situation. "President Obama has always said that he was willing to take
suggestions from anyone, friend or opposition alike," Earnest told
reporters.When asked if he was referring to
John Boehner, Earnest chuckled, "No, I'm talking real opposition.
As you know, ISIS is making mincemeat of Iraq right now. One reason they have
no problem getting troops to join them is that ISIS pays good money. Don't ask
me what they actually use the money for. Goat brothels? Who the hell
knows, right? But that's not the point. You've got guys there who have never
seen a diner, let alone a dinar. They're more than happy to put themselves on
the firing line for a paycheck. So, the United States is readying its own group
of terrorists called the United States Unemployed Service, or USUS for short,
and shipping them to Iraq."

Asked if USUS contradicted Mr.
Obama's pledge not to send troops back into combat, Earnest replied, "No.
Because USUS won't be an official part of the military. Like ISIS, USUS will
not be bound by the normal rules of warfare. Pillaging, garroting, burying
people alive -- everything's up for grabs. However, suicide bombing will be
strictly voluntary. If you choose that route, your immediate survivors will
receive a five-year pension, and an all-access pass to the Washington landmarks
and museums, good any weekday, except national holidays."

Ken Walsh of PBS pointed out that
an American terrorist group was really no different than one with Islamists, an
opinion to which Earnest took umbrage. "That's just not correct. Unlike
ISIS, USUS will not discriminate against women. The president is from Chicago,
and knows that women are perfectly capable of indiscriminate killing. Also,
these are American terrorists we're talking about. As the president has said
time and again, there is such a thing as American exceptionalism, and
terrorism is no different."

When the subject of financing USUS
came up, Earnest said, "We're going to pay for it by taking a portion of
the money that was earmarked for weaponry that the Pentagon didn't ask for, and
instead hire good, decent Americans who can't otherwise find work. As with
ISIS, age is no barrier. Whether you're 14 or 74, if you can fire a rocket
launcher, bomb a government building or blow up highways, you've got a
job."