And I don’t mean stretching my body. I am stretching to find a yogic approach to what I want to share this evening, after months without blogging or sending Yoga Updates to my mailing list or reaching out much at all, really.

Somewhere around March I started falling behind on my writing and outreach. Thankfully May and June’s Eight Limbs class focus seemed to herd my wandering thoughts and I made it through a 2nd update about Asana & Pranayama. Then, my motivation dropped off the face of the earth. “Things” started happening.

Since the Spring I (in no particular order):

Started a job

Left that job

Attended the Off The Mat Into The World intensive and leadership training with Seane Corn, Hala Khouri and Suzanne Sterling

Visited the ER with chest pains (all is OK now)

Felt an earthquake for the first time ever (amazing)

Taught percussion and yoga to grades Pre-K through 6 at the Levine School of Music’s six-week summer camp

Battled a two-week respiratory infection (summer camp is germy!)

Taught up to 23 classes per week, including studio shifts, sub opps, youth classes, private clients and the University of Maryland football team (Go Terps! – my alma mater)

Celebrated my 45th birthday with a beautiful community of children, yogis, musicians and dear ones

Learned of a horrible deception in my romantic partnership

Tried my hardest – one day at a time – to stay in that relationship

Ended that relationship

Life has pitched a number of serious curve balls in the midst of a beautifully bountiful time and I am wiped out. But I’ve been “holding it together.” I remember once when I was feeling low, a friend scolded, “You should read your own blog!” Tonight, as I read back through my Spring entries, I don’t recognize the deeply motivated, connected and inspired Holly. She’s been getting through the days, weeks, months by flinging herself into teaching.

It could be worse.

Thankfully, last week, I started experiencing complete dissociation. The reason I’m grateful is that I needed the wake up call. The stress of my relationship issues had become so huge that I would get through half a yoga class and not remember teaching. I would get through a day of summer camp and need a nap. The break-up was essential. This past Saturday was the day.

It’s hard to describe how lost I feel. The shock of the deception, the nature of the lie, the weeks of earnestly exploring whether I could stay in the relationship and now the loss of that relationship have left me profoundly exhausted. Now that the relationship is over, I crave rejuvenation. I’m yearning to be taken care of, to join a synagogue, to sleep for endless hours, to hibernate, and so on – a wide range of reactions.

And now that summer camp is over, I need to look for more work! Plus, I owe you some blogs. I have about a thousand drafts, about Yoga & Baseball, about Yoga & Football, about the final four of the Eight Limbs, about my Uncle Bill’s yoga-esque devotion to service, about so many things.

I realize that this post is a bit rambling and more journal-like than usual. Primarily, I wanted to get honest. And let you know where I’ve been. I’m not teaching anything here; I don’t have a Sutra to quote, a Limb to cite or a Chakra to work. If anything, I’d like to be taught how I can rehabilitate from this painfully debilitating time. Let’s see which teachings reveal themselves.

That’s it for now. OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti. Peace.

P.S. – Duh, it’s hitting me that one of the primary teaching in all of this is how that 8-day Off The Mat Into The World training seasoned me to trudge through this break-up discernment phase and then seek nurturing once the split was behind me…among other things, I’m sure.