Helping Her to Experience Desire Again

Question: Dr. Herbenick,My wife has been post-menopausal since finishing chemotherapy for breast cancer.Naturally I'm grateful that she has survived her 2 year struggle.Now she has no sexual appetite, but enjoys sex once we have initiated it.She says it's like not having an appetitie for delicious food,but once she actually tastes the food she really enjoys it.So far I've tried changing the sex positions, even using the Liberator,romance and sex in different rooms of the house, and helping more around the house.Do you have any other suggestions?Thank you.
My Response:
Often we think of breast cancer as something that affects older women. And while that is typically the case, about 10,000 women age 40 or younger will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year, according to the Young Survival Coalition, a resource, information and support network that your wife may be interested in connecting with. Breast cancer treatments can be particularly challenging for young women who may enter menopause as a result of treatment that can impair their ovary's functioning.A few years ago, our research team at Indiana University conducted a study that was funded by The Patty Brisben Foundation and published in the scientific journal Cancer Nursing. It examined sexual health and function issues among young survivors of breast cancer. Though a number of studies had documented women's sexual problems following treatment for breast cancer (including genital pain, difficulty with orgasm, lack of desire, lack of lubrication and vaginal dryness), no studies had looked at how women would like to address such problems.In our study, a large proportion of young survivors were interested in sexual enhancement products such as lubricants to make sex more comfortable and pleasurable and vibrators and other sex toys to enhance desire and orgasm. Young survivors were also often interested in couples toys or men's sex toys such as masturbation sleeves that could make sex more fun, interesting or pleasurable.

Often, expanding one's ideas of intimacy and sex can make for more possibilities. If she doesn't feel like intercourse, could you instead take a bath together and then give each other full body massages? Or would she be interested in stimulating you with your hands? Or you stimulating her with your hands, tongue or a vibrator?
Pay special attention, too, to what her needs are. Some survivors experience significant fatigue even after treatment ends. If that's the case, you might want to focus on sexual or intimate activities that promote calm or relaxation (such as massage).

Another thing to keep in mind is that although your wife is a survivor, many women who are in long term relationships - even those who are not cancer survivors - experience ups and downs in their desire. It's not unusual for women to say that they like sex once it gets going but that they less often feel the spontaneous strong desire that they did when they were younger or newly into a relationship. All of the things that you are doing sound great - it sounds as though you are being attentive to your partner and looking for a variety of ways to enhance your closeness and your sex life.

Finally, you and your wife might consider mindfulness exercises. I wrote about them a bit in Because It Feels Good. But basically, a few studies (one of which was with gynecological cancer survivors) have found that mindfulness can help women to enhance their desire and to experience stronger arousal. It's the same type of mindfulness we know from Eastern philosophy and that Thich Nhat Hanh has written about but applied to sex (focusing on how the sheets feel on her body, how it feels to kiss, etc). In addition to all the wonderful things that you are already doing, mindfulness exercises may be something that your wife can do to make sex more pleasurable and to enhance her desire.

Got a question about sex, love or relationships? Send it my way! Email me at drdebby@mysexprofessor.com and follow me on Twitter @mysexprofessor

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