Monday, 3 September 2007

The jockeying for position has started. Several parents have already been straining at the leash, eager to drop impressive nuggets of one-upmanship into the school gate conversation:‘Ptolemy has been doing Kumon Astrophysics over the summer – he just LOVES it!’Or:‘Cressida was so impressed after our visit to the Coliseum that she’s been teaching herself Latin for the last three weeks!’My daughter has not mastered a second language this summer (unless you count the lyrics to High School Musical) and the boys appear to have forgotten how to write their own names.Instead, they have all channelled their energies into growing about three inches taller and two shoe sizes bigger, so that not a single item of last year’s school uniform fits any more. Damn inconsiderate, if you ask me. I had rather hoped that their extensive sofa-bound, screen-based activities might have stunted their growth, but not at all. Instead, there was a definite hint of claustrophobia this morning as they wrestled their free-range feet into battery-farm school socks. When I tried to help them, I felt like a Chinese foot binder.Now that they are back at school, I have been faced with some tough decisions.Blogging for the last six months has been more fun than I could ever have imagined. However the pressure of my copious wine consumption on the family finances means that I need to either give up drinking wine (What? And lose the will to live?) or earn some money to support my habit. In addition, my nine year old daughter has discovered my ‘alter ego’, so my cover of anonymity looks like being well and truly blown.I have therefore decided to suspend the blog. Note that I can’t quite bring myself to say ‘stop blogging’ since the prospect of blog withdrawal symptoms is too hideous to contemplate.Without the blog, I may be forced once again to converse politely on topics as unedifying as Gordon Brown’s sense of humour, or David Cameron’s hairstyle, instead of immersing myself in the glorious cyber-circus of other people’s blog pages.Without the blog, I may have to start taking notice of my children, whose gradual slide from ‘benign’ to ‘wilful’ neglect hasn’t even been spotted by the social workers.Without the blog, I shall miss the kind, supportive and desperately funny comments of all those people who took the time to read the posts and leave a reply.Rather than stumble around the blogosphere, saying goodbye and flinging my arms around necks, whilst slurring ‘I love you, mate, I REALLY love you’ I will try and maintain a bit of decorum by simply raising a glass of La Marca prosecco, and wishing all my blogging buddies the very best for the future…..….although, decorum has never been my strong point, and come to think of it, I do feel a song coming on. I might just grab the bottle (for a microphone), open the fridge door (for a spotlight) and in my very best pub-singer voice, belt out (in the style of Frank Sinatra rather than Sid Vicious):

62 comments:

Oh no!What will I drink now?I, too, am having to face the dreaded proper job prospect (without any of the more desirable prospects I may have had a few years ago) and may have to reduce my blogging mania.You, and your wine, will be missed.

Oh dear Drunk Mummy. I well remember reading a comment from you on someone else's blog, and clicked on your link to have a look. I was delighted by this funny woman that was making me laugh out loud. I'm really hoping this is some post April 1st joke, but i have to say it's in poor taste.

Are you pissed? Will you regret this in the morning?

Of course I respect your decision, but....PLEASE DON'T GO! (Pig flings herself embarrassiingly at Drunk Mummy's shabby off-white dressing gown, causing Drunk Mummy to spill her fizz. 'Damn you Pig' says Drunk Mummy, and stalks off into the Welsh sunset, tickets to the next netball tournament firmly clenched in her hand).Sigh.I hope this is 'au revoir' and not 'adieu'. If you need a truffle, you know where I am.Pigx

For goodness sake, get a grip!We need you! I love (LOVE!) Dulwich Mums' comment, see what you inspire in people? Just change you alter ego to 'intoxicated married white female' or 'better get a bucket blog'.I'm very, very sad and I shall miss you (sniff), what a waste! I shall rant on and on unless you'll stay......are you listening?anyone? Hello...

This can't be true! You're suffering post-Welsh delirium. You have a duty to keep all of us pathetic old soaks clued up on the latest top tipples. We can't cope without you... (Mya throws herself at DM's strangely wide feet and starts to sob pathetically.)

Natural Blonde is right. Everyone blogs at work these days - just don't get caught.

You can't go! I work from home, bereft of normal social interaction, and catching up with blogs is my tea-break activity. And your one is a favourite of mine - I pop in nearly every day! (How needy does that sound!!!)

Blog less frequently if you must, warn child that if she blows your cover to anyone else you'll ban CBBC, review non-alcoholic drinks from time to time, but don't stop blogging!

And even if other people do know about your alter-ego, what does it matter? It isn't as though you bitch about people in the manner of Wife in the North!

Now I know you must be reading this DM...but Frog in the Field and I have come up with a little plan. I don't want to give too much away, but it may involve John Deere Tractors (good bulldozing potential), shotguns (very effective when sawn off) and finding out where you live...Aren't you even going to reply to us??!!!!Pigxand, (tinkling laugh) you know the threat of violence is a light jest don't you? Don't be instructing your lawyers or anything...

Now come on you can see your public needs you, go on admit you feel needed.All things in moderation that's the answer, just blog occasionally, perhaps one liners on the brand and price for those that need the guidance daily?but don't go, never say never or are you angling for a Spice Girls style comeback via the Priory?

I have been truly overwhelmed by the warmth and kindness of such lovely comments. I feel extremely flattered and yet totally undeserving.My week of blogging 'cold turkey' has not been a huge success. I am no nearer earning money than I was last week (btw, I'm not a journalist, but was delighted to have been mistaken for one!), have watched some diabolical television programmes, and have been ranting at anyone who will listen to me (and several who won't) about almost every topic under the sun.In addition, last night's Friday Night Fizz was a rather miserable affair, with no-one to 'share' it.However, the decision to suspend the blog was not taken lightly, so I do feel I should stick to it, despite missing the whole blog community desperately. As many people have observed, there are several prodigal bloggers out there so I'm not ruling it out completely for the future. Thanks once again for the lovely comments. Such kindness and appreciation has really meant a great deal to me.Cheers!

oh fuck! whilst I as much as anyone understand, having hardly looked at my blog for several weeks, how the boring old realities of life get in the way of larking about on the internet and so understand completely your predicament I just want to say I'll bloody miss you drunkmummy, as you write some of the bestest funniest stuff out there. You've been a super blog buddy or whatever the term is and and I wish you all the very best

Clearly the woman doesn't know her own mind. The sheer stress/tedium/knackeringness of having had the kids for the whole summer, (plus a long haul flight AND a camping holiday) have taken their toll. I vote we just wait her out. First she'll just "repy" to our continued compliments and entreaties, then she'll relent and blog about once a week. If we can get her up to twice a week I say we've won eh?Come on DM, you know you want to! AND, you don't necessarily have to blog about wine - just drink it!

I'm just doing my wander around my favourite blogs, thought I'd still come and visit you, in the manner of one who is desperately mourning and comes to lay a token at the grave.Do you prefer Gerberas or Lilies?Pigx

well if you must then I must understand but I won't stop checking your blog because I'm not one to go quietly, I will be kicking and screaming lamenting the loss of such wit in a place so often witless as the internet.you will be missed.and we shall cheer your triumphant (and inevitable) return whenever it may be.

oops I'm signed in as my husband...this is actually sufferingsummer, though if my husband read your blog he would have to agree whole heartedly I'm sure but as he is out doing that earning of money thing I've managed to avoid he hasn't the time...

Oh for Pete's sake DM. I have some serious dirt on this woman (going back twenty years) I will see what I can do. I have a pledge to guest blog on my page so watch out. Perhaps she'll get the taste for it again.

Pig narrows her piggy eyes suspiciously as she notes that on 13th January precisely @theMill mentioned that you were commenting again... Pig slips off into blogworld, deer stalker wedged firmly on her head, large microscope held up to her snout...aHA! she snorts to herself, so drunk Mummy IS still out there. I will find her, I WILL...

Really? Really? You're gone! Baaaah! My first time reading you and was totally loving this post, and relating on every level, 'cause my 8 year old doesn't know how to read anymore...? I know right! And then I get to the part where you say you have to become gainfully employed! Well totally my loss! When you come back (oh, you know you will!) please let me know!

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About Drunk Mummy

Delving into the Heart of Darkness that is raising small children, Drunk Mummy finds a few glimmers of light in the altered perspective that a couple of glasses of wine can bring..........
“(s)he cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a breath, The horror! The horror!”