Whenever I go home my brother usually gives me some of his old clothes. Usually shirts, ties, or pants. But on Sunday October 5th, at 9:29 am, he laid down a huge one. It was like he took a whole bunch of puppies and kicked them in the face. A flying kick to an elderly woman’s stomach. A judo chop to a grown man’s crotch. It was epic.

He gave me pants with a button fly.

I know what you’re probably scream in your head right now, “A BUTTON FLY!??! WHO WEARS PANTS WITH A BUTTON FLY??????”. Of course, that’s exactly what I thought when I woke up with these pants laying next to me. I almost cried when I inspected the pants only to find three round brass buttons staring right back at me where my crotch should be.

I don’t understand why this type of crotch flap exist. It’s a lot more inconvenient for me to whip my junk out. It totally messes with the bathroom zen that I’ve come to attain when using the urinal. What is usually “Zip-Pee-Zip” has now become, “Unbuckle-fumblefumblefumblefumble-pee-fumblefumblefumblefumble-Buckle”.

Although, I have to admit that these pants do look pretty good. Now that I’m examining my crotch, it looks a lot nicer than it would with a zipper. It just lays flatter. The color of the jeans are exactly what I like. They are almost becoming my new favorite pair of jeans.