The Art Of Reconciliation

Most of us at one time or another been at odds with someone and relationships break down and loose contacts with friends or family. At times it can be years and years without ever speaking or seeing one another because of built up resentments or arguments that erupt when 2 people come together, in these cases its usually easier to just not communicate or have anything to do with the other person.

This is much easier when the other person is in another town or state, or they work and live in a different community.

But sometimes there are those who just want to fight and argue and lie and falsely accuse the other person just because for their own warped reason, or mental health problem they have.

But if you are like me, we would want to live a life at peace with all, and to avoid any fighting or conflict, especially if someone has it in for you and all they want to do is make your life miserable, and for whatever reason they have to always falsely accuse you of things they themselves are doing, and accusing you of so many terrible things that they work towards alienating all the people you know against you. And they want to control you as though you are nothing more than a worthless piece of property they are to control. Yes i know this is the case with a few of you have told me about your partners and former partners. In these type of situations it is best and more safe to just avoid them and literally have nothing to do with them. No phone calls, no emails, no visitations, completely keep separate and make absolutely no contact with them. After all, you don’t want to get them angry or aggressive, and its not good for you either, so it is best to avoid such people.

But if you really want to reconcile with someone, or a group of people, if you have tried before and only end up fighting or attacking one another, and alienating the other against you, or maybe your the one doing the fighting, arguing and alienating others against you.

The fact you are reading this blog and continuing to do so is maybe there is still someone you are wanting to reconcile with but no matter what you say or do its not working and you are still at odds with that other person or people. So basically what you both have been doing up until now is obviously not working and you are seeking a possible alternative, or a quick fix to reconcile your relationship with your husband / wife, or your son / daughter, or your mother or father, or maybe a friend or work colleague or cousin or whoever it maybe. It obviously has not worked so far.

This is where Word On Wheels are offering an alternative to both partys.

To start with both partys has to be honest, they have to be truthful, that even includes confessing and admitting their own wrongs, something You do not like and do not want to do.

We are ALWAYS easy to point the blame at the other person, and say to them, you are a this and this and this and you did this and that and etc. But that only builds hostility and builds walls and a barrier between the 2 of you. Think about it, Have you read about the Power Of The Spoken Word ? how would you respond, how do you feel about what is said ?

Do you speak without any control of what you say ? do you just say anything out of your anger and frustration? If someone were to say them very same words to you in the same tone and context in which you said it to the other person, how would you feel or respond? remember that there is someone else hearing your words and responding to them in one form or another. EG, if someone were to say to you that “You are a dumb stupid ugly fat retarded moron idiot” how would you respond ? how would you feel ? So these words you may say to another to get a response or to relieve your frustration. But them words you say has effected another in ways you would not want to happen to you if someone were to say that to you. IF someone were to ALWAYS say things like that to you, how would your outlook in life be ? what would your confidence levels be ? how would you feel about interacting with others if you were always told these following things.

Aspergers, Asshole, Autistic,

Crazy, Dumb, Fat,

Idiot, I Hate You, I Will Not Be Broken,

Moron, Retarted, Stupid, Ugly,

These are fighting words, these are words you use when you want to build up walls and create division. When you speak these words you get a reaction just like as if it was said to you, you get your back up and get all narkey and start doing the same thing to them. This way you will never ever get any real form of reconciliation.

You resent them or you say or do things without thinking to create a response ? Usually you will get a response, but more times than not it is NOT the response you were wanting. As the old saying goes, “You get more flys with honey than with vinegar”.

What would your feelings be and how would you look at someone who said such words to you or about you to someone else ? What would your thoughts be towards such a person who says and does such things ?

If the other person can only always lie and always falsely accuse you non stop, and always falsely accusing you of many things to others, this already builds a wall between the 2 of you which can not be overcome.

If you also never accept responsibility for anything you have ever said or done, then that too builds a wall between the 2 partys / people. Each must be honest with what they have said and done in order to build reconciliation.

Imagine if someone was for eg always leaving the front door open and drinking all the milk in the refrigerator, Yet if they always denied that they do leave the front door open and they never drink the milk in the refrigerator, yet time and time again they are always seen leaving the front door open and seen always drinking the milk. Their denial of such things is only creating a greater division and hostility between the 2 party’s because they can not be trusted, and not only that, the one who leaves the front door open and drinking the milk usually always blames the other for doing that very thing that they themselves are doing, thereby making it impossible for reconciliation since for reconciliation and healing of broken relationships and communication and for progress, each MUST take ownership and accept and confess what they have said and done in order to reconcile and mend and to build bridges. ( BE HONEST), If they don’t, then bridges can never be built or mended because the person who is lying about what they said and done, and falsely accusing others of the things they themselves have done, they are fighting and alienating and building insurmountable walls which neither of them can over come in order to move forward.

This is where negotiations and forgiveness and compromise comes into play. Each party must take ownership and take stock and evaluation of what they have said and done which have alienated the other, this means YOU TOO must be honest with yourself, because unless you have a brain malfunction you know what you have done wrong to the other person. Take ownership and move forward. Reconcile, What would you want the other party to do if that were they that did that to you, what would you want them to do to make things right ? Would you be willing to do that for them also ?

So what does all this mean ?

When it comes down to brass tact’s, its about attitude, and your behaviour. There is a bible saying that goes like this, “If it is at all possible for if it is in your power to do so then live at peace with all people” which is contradictory to the saying in the bible which says “From whence come wars and fighting’s among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members? Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not. Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts”

Break the cycle of tit for tack responses. This is usually how it goes. look at it as you have 2 individuals, or 2 families, or even 2 villages. We will refer to these groups as party 1 and party 2. When party one does something to party 2, then party 2 retaliates and does something to party 1, then party 1 sees what party 2 did to them and responds with doing something to party 2, and again party 2 responds with another attack on party 1, and it goes on and on and on. This is a never ending cycle where wars and strife and fighting continues year after year after year, This is where the cycle needs to stop.

Most people ( not all ) but most people like to live in peace and without fighting and help and support their families. Yes there are some who literally love fighting and that’s their joy in life is to just for the sake of fighting will create division and be opposite of someone just for the sake of confrontation because of their love of fighting, and yes I’m sure you all have like myself have met a few and know a few people who are exactly like that. but for most normal sane people, most just want to live in peace.

This is where reconciliation comes into play. Someone has to stop the attacking of the other person. End the hate, end the animosity, end the accusations, end the back biting, if you are in an endless loop cycle of lying and slandering and fighting and falsely accusing someone, and arguing, and always having to put the other person in their place because according to you they deserve it and to be one up on them, because you think you have that right. But being one up on someone, holding power and holding something against or over someone is no way to reconcile, that is intimidation. We are talking about reconciliation, not retribution.

So as with the 12 step program, take ownership of what you have said and done, and how they have effected others, REMEMBER OTHER PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOU WHO RESPOND TO YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS.

Why am i emphasizing YOU and what you have to do and you taking all the responsibility and what about the other person ? why do i have to do all the groveling ?

ITS NOT ABOUT THEM, ITS ABOUT YOU AND HOW YOU RESPOND ! ! REMEMBER YOU WANT TO RECONCILE, that’s why you are reading this isn’t it ? because waring and fighting have not worked so far, they have not worked for the past 6,000 years, what makes you think it will work for your next 60 years of your life ?

Doing the same things will only end up in the same results.

Taking ownership of what you have done and acknowledging how it has effected others and break the repetitive cycle of tit for tact retaliation.

REMEMBER, if you don’t like this something being said or done to you, its a sure fire bet that the one that you are doing the same things to do not like what you are saying and doing to them, because i’m sure when you respond they will respond likewise to protect their family or village or themselves, so if you don’t like the reaction you are getting from the other party 2, then party 1 should stop responding to what party 2 did.

Here is example, Party 1 hit someone from party 2, so party 2 gets 2 family members and they hit someone from party 1, Them someone from party 1 sees what those from party 2 did to their party 1 person and they then go out and break the arm of someone from party 2. Party 2 then respond by breaking both legs of someone from party 1. Then party 1 goes out and bash someone almost to death from party 2. And this cycle just keeps going on and on and on. This is where someone has to stop retaliating and stop fighting, and stop with the accusations etc.

This is to break the cycle so your children and their children and their children children will not have to put up with the endless perpetual endless fighting. Someone has to break the cycle, someone has to put an end to this, for the sake of peace, remember not everyone is like you, not everyone enjoys fighting, not everyone wants to argue endlessly. Remember you are also not only just doing it for yourself, you are also doing it for your family too so they too do not have to bare endless perpetual fighting and retaliation. If you continue the war of tit for tact, you will grow up in a war that has always been there and always retaliating to what the other side done with no knowledge as to why you are fighting, but you only know that you are at war with the other side in an endless battle to punish the other side.

Remember you are also bringing the other side into a fight with you every time you retaliate and fight against and strike out against the other party.

So if it is at all possible for you to live in peace with all people, then STOP THE FIGHTING ! ! ,

STOP RETALIATING TO THEM ! ! and break that cycle of retribution, live in peace, take ownership of what you have said and done to the other side, and work towards peace, remember, the other side is caught up in this war that you are perpetuating by continually retaliating towards them. They are wanting to protect their family party members against your attacks as I’m sure you are doing the same too in regards to protecting your family.

Its a vicious cycle that has to be broken by the stopping of the retaliations, which it is in your power to do so.

THEN seek peace and work towards reconciliation, REMEMBER its not pay back, not to punish the other party, you are seeking peace and reconciliation.

Are You Prepared To Meet The Needs Of The Other Party ?

If you make an effort to meet the needs of the other party and willing to break the cycle and look for ways to reconcile and look for the benefit of both party’s, focus on their benefits also as reaching out to them to validate them, them i am sure most people would be willing to at least meet you somewhere half way to create reconciliation.

Lets look at the example of God in the Bible.

Romans 5

4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
6. For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
7 For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.
8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
9 Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him.
10 For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life.

Think about it, DID CHRIST DESERVE TO DIE ?

DID CHRIST HAVE TO RECONCILE YOU TO HIMSELF ?

He was under no obligation to do so,

Isaiah 1

15 And when ye spread forth your hands, I will hide mine eyes from you: yea, when ye make many prayers, I will not hear: your hands are full of blood.
16. Wash you, make you clean; put away the evil of your doings from before mine eyes; cease to do evil;
17 Learn to do well; seek judgment, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow.18 Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool. 19 If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land:
20 But if ye refuse and rebel, ye shall be devoured with the sword: for the mouth of the LORD hath spoken it.
21. How is the faithful city become an harlot! it was full of judgment; righteousness lodged in it; but now murderers.

So its a choice on your side to break from your cycle and to do differently from what you have been brought up to do, its not always about retaliation, but forgiveness and making amends and not taking retribution, remember God did not have to do what he did, he would have been justifiable in killing and destroying you and have nothing more to do with the story, but because he loved you he created and fulfilled this salvation plan.

To be apart of the reconciliation plan you need to want to be apart of it and break the cycle.

Take this message of reconciliation, Stop the cycle of fighting and retribution. Take control of the words you speak. Take control of the actions you do. Take control of your thoughts. THINK about what it is the other person is wanting in life, I’m sure it will not be much different to that of what you want for yourself and your family.

Lets look at the example of England and Ireland and Scotland. before they united and became “Great Britain” there were many many wars between the 2 nations, and millions and millions of people lost their lives in these wars, and nobody was victorious, but they spent much of their wealth of their nations in fighting and killing and getting killed. Millions on both sides died needlessly at a massive great expense on the nations budgets just to keep the war going, and achieving absolutely nothing.

Both sides were not willing or being defeated or submitting to the other. UNTIL one day they stopped fighting and stopped spending massive of their nations finances on war and getting nowhere. When they united and started working together they were able to not only save lives in the no more is anyone being killed, but also the nations were able to flourish and develop because now they were able to spend their budgets in building and developing their nations and grow in power and influence in the world together, and accumulate much more global financial trade and live better more productive lives. Where as before the war was sucking them dry. They are no longer at war, but are thriving nations working together for the common good of all their nations who joined to become the UK. They produced much more working together.

In the same way someone had to call a truce, someone had to call a stop to retaliation, someone had to bite the bullet so to say and not seek revenge for past actions of their enemy. FORGIVE, Move on. Work Together.

You want to be able to have your cake and eat it too ? you can only do this together where both sides are mutually edified and working together.

Otherwise it is master and servant type scenario and animosity grows and resentment and a feeling of being under appreciated and not given a fair go by the other side, and division is created and a class system of the haves and the have not’s, and then there is division and resentment towards each other and then tensions grow as the divide grows and a feeling of not being appreciated grows deeper. Then before you know it, there is another fighting and war emerges.

Therefore this is why it is imperative that you need to work together and seek the benefit of both party’s. Remember its not all about YOU, its about the We / Us together. we work together for the good of both. Its not a power system of dominance.

Mark 10

42 But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them.
43 But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister:
44 And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.
45 For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.

We are to be a minister of Christ who is serving and in the business of reconciling relationships, not to be in the business to fight or lie or slander or falsely accuse or attack the other person / family / community / village.

In all things Do to others what you would want others to do for you. You are to be the salt of the earth, the sweet flavour of pleasantness to those around.

As in a husband and wife relationship, each are to uphold and defend and support and encourage the other, not to tear them down. Likewise, let us go into the world showing the same works of service to the world so that they may see our good deeds and praise our father in heaven.

Let not the good name of God be blasphemed by your words and actions towards others.

Romans 2:24 For the name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles through you, as it is written.

James 2:8. If ye fulfil the royal law according to the scripture, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself, ye do well:

Romans 2:10 But glory, honour, and peace, to every man that worketh good, to the Jew first, and also to the Gentile:

Romans 2:15 Which shew the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and their thoughts the mean while accusing or else excusing one another;

Romans 3:27 Where is boasting then? It is excluded. By what law? of works? Nay: but by the law of faith.

1 Thessalonians 5:13 And to esteem them very highly in love for their work’s sake. And be at peace among yourselves.

To That Special Someone.

6 But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ 7 ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, 8 and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. 9 What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

10 And in the house the disciples asked him again about this matter.

11 And he said to them, Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her,

12 and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

Love is not always a 2 way street. Sometimes we could love someone with all our heart, but if they do not love you back there is nothing that you can do. You can not force someone to love you.