Rachel : Yeah? Well, you should know. You’ve bought like a billion of ‘em.

Ross : Yeah, you didn’t get one.

Chandler : Okay, well tonight’s the big night.

Phoebe : Yeah!

Joey : Okay listen, how are you gonna ask her?

Chandler : It is going to be perfect. I am taking her to her favorite restaurant. I’m going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves; therefore knows how expensive it is. Then when the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast I’m just gonna propose.

Rachel : Ohh…

Joey : That sounds perfect!

Chandler : Yeah.

Joey : You’re gonna mess it up let me do it.

Chandler : I’m not gonna mess it up.

Phoebe : If she says no, can I have the ring?

Chandler : She’s not gonna say no.

Phoebe : If!

Monica : (entering) Hey!

Ross : Hey!

(Monica’s entrance makes Phoebe try to hide the ring by putting it in her mouth.)

Chandler : Hey!

Phoebe : (with her mouthful) Hi Monica.

(Monica goes into her room.)

Chandler : (To Phoebe) Give me it!

Phoebe : It’s gone.

Chandler : Phoebe!

(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)

Ross : I’m sorry, it’s just one of my last nights together before she leaves for camp—to be a counselor!

Monica : Ross let me ask you a question. All jokes aside, where is this relationship going?

Chandler : Wait a minute, all jokes aside? I didn’t agree to that!

Monica : Do you really see this as a long-term thing?

Ross : I don’t know.

Phoebe : Y’know, you are 12 years older than her.

Ross : Wait a minute, does-does everyone feel this way?

All : Yeah! Yeah, sort of. I’m sorry.

Ross : Uh-uh—Wow! Uh, I thought you guys were just like making jokes, I had no idea. What you know what? You guys are wrong. Uh yes, there is a chronological age difference but I never notice it. You know why? Because she is very mature. Besides, it doesn’t really matter to me what you guys think. I mean, I’m the one dating Elizabeth, not you!

Chandler : Will you marry me? Will you marry me? (Makes like a gun with his fingers.) Hey, you marry me! (He gives up as Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross slink in all excited.) What’s going on little elves?

Joey : It’s the big night! We wanted to wish you good luck!

Ross : Yeah, yeah you have the ring?

Chandler : Yeah, right here in my pocket. (Pats his pocket. Phoebe smiles, goes over to hug him, and removes the ring from his pocket.) Pheebs?

Phoebe : Oh! Oop! (Hands him back the ring.)

Chandler : Okay, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a surprise and she’s gonna know.

[Scene: Elizabeth’s Dorm Room, Ross is walking up to her door and knocks on it. Suddenly the door opens and Elizabeth drags him into the room.]

{Transcriber’s Note: Elizabeth has two friends in the room with her who are named in the credits, but not in this scene. So I’m just gonna guess since it doesn’t matter one way or the other. (The last part is to discourage e-mails, who cares if I got it right or not?)}

Zoe : Shut the door! Shut the door!! (Runs over and closes the door.)

Ross : What’s-what’s going on?

Elizabeth : The guys across the hall are throwing water balloons at us.

Ross : Oh, you have to call the police! That’s what I did to the kids in my building!

Elizabeth : No, it’s a water balloon fight! We started it!

Ross : Oh! (Does a laugh/groan.) Listen umm, I, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to see this play tonight. Umm, it’s supposed to be excellent. The director is the same…

Elizabeth : (ignoring him and picking up a pitcher) Who drank all the Kamikazes?

Sarah : (approaching with two filled balloons in her hands) Nobody! We put them in here! (Indicates the aforementioned balloons causing both of them to scream in delight and start drinking from the balloons.)

Phoebe : Forget her! You enjoy this!! (Pulls him back up and starts applauding again. Joey waves and does a salute.]

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are sitting at a table. Monica is checking her makeup as Chandler suddenly has a horrifying thought and starts patting down his pockets until he finds what he’s looking for and sighs in relief.]

Monica : What are you doing?

Chandler : (trying to cover up why his hand is over his heart) One nation, under God. Indivisible with liberty and justice for all. (Laughs.) I remembered it. (It’s a butchered version of the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States for our foreign friends.) The champagne is here. (The waiter is delivering it and pouring two glasses.)

Monica : Are you okay?

Chandler : Yes! Yes! I’m good! Are you good? Are you good? Is everything—are you—are you perrr-perfect?!

Chandler : Oh, yeah. (Starts to take it off and then realizes) Uh, no you can’t have my jacket! Because then I would be cold! If you thought that you were going to be cold, you should’ve brought your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are you okay? Are you okay?

Monica : (laughs) Are you sure you’re okay?

Chandler : Yes! I’m fine. In fact I’ve been fine for a long time now and I think, the reason is you.

Monica : Ohh that’s sweet!

Chandler : Okay umm, before I meant you I had really little life and I couldn’t imagine growing old with…

(As he’s talking Monica notices someone familiar has just entered the restaurant. Let’s see; I seem to remember him driving a Ferrari in Hawaii solving crimes as a private investigator and as a certain eye doctor in more recent times.)

Monica : (interrupting him) Oh my God!

Chandler : (not knowing the true meaning of her exclamation) I know, but just let me say it.

Joey : So uh listen, I think I’m gonna take off now. (Starts to get up.)

Rachel : (stopping him) Hey! You…can’t…leave Joey! You agreed to buy that boat, all right?! That is a contract! And plus if you leave, my boss is gonna kill me!

Joey : Well, what am I gonna do Rach?! I don’t have that kind of money!

Rachel : I know. Okay. (Whispering and thinking.) Okay. Okay. All right. All right, this is what we’re gonna do, we are gonna go to the next highest bidder, and we are just gonna let them buy it, and then you’re just gonna pay the difference.

Joey : Okay.

Rachel : Okay.

Joey : Look, I don’t know why the kids need a youth center anyway! Y’know? They should just watch TV after school like I did and I turned out fine!

Rachel : Not great.

[Scene: The Restaurant, Monica and Chandler’s and Richard and Lisa’s tables have been pushed together and they’re all eating and talking.]

Monica : And so, we’re hiding in the bathroom.

Richard : And-and then I sneak out and before Monica can her parents come in.

Monica : So I hide in the shower and the next thing you know they’re going at it right on the bathroom floor.

Lisa : (laughing) Oh my God!

{Transcriber’s Note: For further reading on the above story, please check out The One Where Joey Moves Out.}

Chandler : I got a good one, I got a good one! I once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy.

(An awkward silence ensues.)

Richard : It’s so great seeing you guys again. I’d like to make a toast. (Everyone raises their glasses) Uh, as a poet once said, “In the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures for in the due of little things the heart finds it’s morning and is refreshed.”

Monica : Ohh.

Chandler : What?!

(They all drink.)

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Monica and Chandler are returning to find Ross is there waiting for them.]

Ross : Yeah, I was but uh, she was a little busy with a water balloon fight.

Monica : Oh Ross, sometimes grown-ups have commitments they just can’t get out of!

Ross : Y’know, maybe she is too young for me. Y’know, when I was over there and she was running around with her friends, I felt like I was a baby-sitter. I finally started to see what you guys were talking about. I don’t know what to do.

Monica : Why don’t you just weigh out the good stuff about the relationship against the bad stuff. I mean that’s what I did when I first (looks at Chandler and pauses) weighing stuff.

Ross : Okay umm, bad stuff. Well, I’m-I’m 12 years older than she is.

Monica : If the school finds out you’re fired.

Ross : Hmm.

Monica : She’s leaving for three months.

Chandler : For camp!

Ross : Okay, good stuff. Umm, well she’s-she’s sweet and pretty and…

Monica : Look Ross, the only question you need to ask is, “Do you see a future?” I mean like do you see yourself marrying her? (Ross pauses in consideration.) Oh my God! You did it already! You married her, didn’t you?!

Chandler : Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if you’re not careful you may not get married at all this year!

[Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel and Phoebe are sitting at the table as Joey approaches.]

Joey : Rach! Rachel! Okay, the next highest bidder is at table one.

Rachel : Oh great!

Joey : (To Phoebe) Oh and uh the guy who got the Paris trip is at table four.

Phoebe : Oh, okay.

Rachel : (To Phoebe) Why do you care about the guy who won the Paris trip?

Phoebe : It’s a trip for two! (She gets up and takes off her blouse-type thingy she’s wearing over her dress.) Excuse me. (She walks over to table four.) Excuse me, is the person who won the Paris trip at this table?

Emil Alexander : That was me.

Phoebe : Oh, enchantée. (She holds out her hand for him to kiss it, but he only shakes it.)

[Cut to Joey and Rachel approaching table one.]

Joey : Uhh, excuse me is there a Mr. Bowmont at this table?

Mr. Bowmont : That’s me.

Joey : Ahh, yes. (Pushes Rachel in front of himself so that she could do the talking.)

Rachel : Oh well, hello. This is your lucky day Mr. Bowmont, the uh gentleman day sailer as just become available again and I believe that you made a bid of $18,000.

Rachel : Okay look, let me paint you a little picture. (She sits down next to him.) All right, you are settin’ sail up the Hudson! You’ve got the wind in your h—(sees that he’s bald)—arms! You-you get all that peace and quiet that you’ve always wanted! You get back to nature! You can go fishin’! You can—ooh, you can get one of those little hats and have people call you captain, and then when you’re old, Cappy.

Mr. Bowmont : What the hell, it’s for a good cause! All right!

Joey : No way! It’s mine!!

Rachel : (To Joey) What?! What?!

Joey : All that stuff you just said? I want that!

Rachel : But Joey you don’t have $20,000!

Joey : Who cares?! I-I’ll make payments, whatever it takes, I want the Mr. Bowmont!!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Monica is taking out the garbage as Phoebe and Joey enter. Phoebe gasps.]

[Scene: Outside of Elizabeth’s dormitory, Ross is exiting after breaking up with her and we can hear his thoughts.]

Ross : (in his head) Wow! I have never had such a healthy break-up! She was such a grown-up about it! She didn’t seem too immature for me! Did I just make a huge mistake?

Elizabeth : (sticking her head out her window) Ross! Wait!

Ross : Elizabeth, thank God! I was just thinking about…

Elizabeth : You suck!!

Ross : What?!

(She throws a water balloon at him and hits him on the head and hits him again at the waist with another one.)

Ross : Okay, break-up’s still on!

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is looking out the window and Joey is sitting on the couch.]

Chandler : Okay, okay, here she comes! (Sits on the couch next to him.) How do I look? Do I look like a guy who doesn’t want to get married?

Joey : Yeah! And also, a little like a French guy. (They both squint at each other.) I never noticed that before.

Monica : (entering) Hi guys!

Joey : Hey!

Chandler : Hey!

Monica : What are you up too?

Chandler : Oh, just hanging out, talkin’ about uh, websites. (Joey laughs.) Yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you.

Joey : (laughs) Yeah, Big Brother.

Monica : Well that’s a little crazy. Although I am y’know glad to hear that you’re branching out on what you look at on the Internet.

Chandler : Yeah, well… Y’know, it just got me thinking though, why would anybody ever want to get married huh?

Monica : Why?! To celebrate your relationship! To solidify your commitment! To declare your love for one another to the world!

Chandler : Eh…

Monica : Okay well that’s good to know.

(We hear the backup horn of a truck and see through the window that the Mr. Bowmont has arrived.)

Joey : (all excited) The Mr. Bowmont’s here!!! (Jumps over the back off the couch and runs out into the street.)

[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant’s kitchen, she’s cooking as a waitress sticks her head in.]

Waitress : Hey Monica, there’s a customer who wants to complement the chef, should I let him in?

Monica : Sure, I love this part! (Starts to look busy.)

Waitress : (to the customer) Come on in.

(The customer turns out to be…)

Richard : Hi!

Monica : Richard!

Richard : Actually, I’m not here to complement the chef.

Monica : Ohh… Oh, that’s okay I hate when people come back to complement the chef. Like I have nothing better to do! So what’s up?

Richard : Well, it was great seeing you the other night.

Monica : Oh, good to see you too. Did you come down here to tell me that?

Richard : No! I came here to tell you something else. (Pause) I came here (Pause) to tell you I still love you.