A story of, the recovery from, and the life after ED [eating disorder].

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Giving credit where credit is due...

I was given an opportunity today to reflect.

I was asked to bring in an object that represented what I have gotten out of and learned about myself from my graduate program in Rehabilitation and Mental Health Counseling at the University of South Florida. I brought in a picture of a sculpture. It is a sculpture I have blogged about in the past in a blog called From Bounded & Broken to Freedom in Eating to Live. This sculpture has since had a great deal of meaning to me. Refer below...

Today has made me really reflect back on just how different my life is right now and just how far I have come. Ya know, there was a time where victory meant skipping one purge. A bigger victory meant skipping a whole evening. An even bigger one meant skipping almost a whole week. How small those steps seem to me now... skipping one purge, one evening, one week. At that time, each one was huge. With every increasingly bigger victory came a chill provoking revelation that I could actually do this.

The bigger the victories, the more I needed to give myself credit. The moment I began to give myself credit for every single skipped purge and every single clean victory, the bigger they kept getting... The more accepting I was of myself, the more lenient I was on the standard I held against me and the more credit I gave myself, the more victorious I could be.

Credit.

I was reminded today of just how big the steps in my victories have become.

I am getting a Master's degree in less than three weeks. 2 weeks from yesterday, I will have turned in my last assignment. 18 days from today, all I will have left to do is walk across a commencement stage and move my tassel from the left to the right.

How solidifying and profound it is for me to be here, and to see here. How surreal it is to see how humongous my victories have become.

I went from skipping one purge to being clean and getting a Master's. I went from having no confidence in myself to getting ready to walk across a stage and be collared a Master, ready to work to be collared in 1 or 2 more with further aspirations of getting a PhD.

How far I have come. How big my victories have become.

-From skipping just one purge thinking: ok, ok, I can do this...---> I woke up every morning after skipping just one feeling proud -To going one night without purging thinking: ok, ok, I can do this... ---> I woke up every morning after skipping a whole night feeling even more proud -To going a whole entire week without purging thinking: ok, ok, I can do this... ---> I woke up every morning after skipping every day in the week feeling just a little more proud
Soon, I will wake up on the morning of May 4, 2013, still clean, and become collared a Master.
---> Pride? I am not sure I can describe...
Credit.

If I can do this. If I, someone who used to have to fight to skip just one purge, can do this, I PROMISE you can, too. You know what your FIRST step has GOT to be? A small one... tiny. Your first step has got to be one little baby. With that tiny step, comes another part to make a two-part story. One tiny step, and a little bit of prideful credit.

Credit.

Give yourself credit for every tiny step. The more credit you give yourself, the stronger you will become. The more credit you give yourself for each tiny step, the more resilient you will become and the more fight you will be willing to give. The more credit you give yourself, the more badass you will become. Pretty soon, your addiction, your eating disorder, will have NOTHING on you.

Credit.

Right now, my addiction, my eating disorder, has NOTHING on me. And you know what, neither does a Master's program nor this perfectly imperfect life.

I am Superwoman.

When I look back and see how small my first steps and my first victories were compared to how big my victories are now, you better believe I give myself credit.

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About Me

I am a work in progress. Just like life, some days are better than others, and I have to work to succeed. This work is necessary and worthwhile! I think it is possible to go from Living to Eat to the healthy alternative, Eating to Live! This is my testimony and my story.
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