Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Based on the Product-Moment Correlation Coefficient study done on media interviews with today's top CEOs, I've designed a test to determine your tendency to be a C.E.O.

The test was derived from the variables most common among these high-flyers, reflected from their answers from interviews with various business publications.

Confirm your grim future by taking the following test.

i. Do you read books? [Yes/No]

Top CEOs always brag about the books they read. No, those are not your sham e-books, outdated textbooks or on-line types of readings. It's the actual, physical and picture-less books that may take a whole decade for couch-potatoes like you to finish.

ii. Are your hobbies conventional? [Yes/No]

Top CEOs always indulge in exotic hobbies, passionately. Like Norio Ohga, the former CEO of Sony- he's a conductor for an orchestra. Or Bill Ford, the former CEO of Ford Motors- he owns a black-belt in Karate. Other examples include polo, yachting and sky-diving. If your hobby is merely golf- go fly kite.

iii. Do you read philosophy? [Yes/No]

Every top CEO knows their way around when it comes to philosophical senses. They quote philosophers more often than they mention any corporate bigwigs. If you think Plato is a highland, think again- about your career path.

iv. Is your idol still alive? [Yes/No]

Top CEOs always admire ancient figures as their role models. Like Marcus Aurelius. Or Napoleon . If you consider present-day corporate magnates like Donald Trump as your idol, your cubicle will be your only legacy.

v. Do you watch Bloomberg? [Yes/No]

Top CEOs love scrolling news/stock tickers. If you consider those scrolling items around your TV screen as nuisance, get a life. Out of the corporate world.

vi. Are you fat and healthy? [Yes/No]

Top CEOs always trim down. They jog. They exercise. But they're not that healthy. Common health issues would be high-blood pressure, heart attack and occasional diabetic complications. If you're fat, you're out. If you're healthy, wait till another 10 years.

*****

Those are the common chracteristics of top CEOs, apart from being competent. You're not competent. And if most of your answers to the above questions are negative in nature, you're helpless.

Read this blog more to boost your confidence- there are lots of other devious means to be a CEO.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

If you haven't heard about Pareto's 80-20 principle, I'll explain it, simply: 80% of things are contributed by 20% of the group.

The smallest proportion contributes the most

In marketing, most of the time, 80% of sales come from 20% of your customers. Which means, 20% of your customers are loyal customers who will repeatedly purchase your product and contribute up to 80% of your revenue base.

Pareto's Law also means 80% of your customer base are clever enough not to make you richer by more than 20%.

Bringing into perspective, 20% of your customers are dumb enough to keep buying your products. So identify these pathetic lots and keep disorienting their conciousness by implementing some of these steps:

1. Personalized service

They'll be happy if you greet them with their names. They'll feel an 'honest connection' building between your business and their sorry souls if you can address their personal details, their preferences and their previous purchasing records...

...when all you care about is squeezing more money from their banks by investing on advanced CRM software and a little bit of 'because we care' acting.

2. Membership premiums

They'll be happy if you treat them special. Give them glossy plastics named 'Membership Card'. Provide special services to these members. Because they're so naive to think they're treated exclusively...

...when you actually automatically offer the membership to every single customers free of charge. But it'll work because loyal customers are dumb enough to think they're specially selected.

3. Special offers

They'll be happy if you promote a product that might be of their interest. They'll be happy if they get a newsletter highlighting the latest offer based on their previous purchases....

....where in fact all you're trying to do is hard-selling junk products that is a bitch to clear from the shelves. And match the product to those unfortunate loyalists by chances.

4. Customer reward schemes

They'll be happy to admit they're savvy consumers by spending more. Reward their purchase by offering discounts if they purchase more. Tell them "You'll get $100 in discounts if you purchase the next product"....

....where they're so dumb that they will literally translate the statement using only the first 3 words....and act quickly.

*****

These are some elements I used in crafting Customer Loyalty Programs for my clients. Of course there's more, but I think you're the 80% who is smart enough to figure out that I'll be 20% poorer if I divulge my whole 'trade secrets'.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

If you're facing your first day at a new workplace, follow these tips closely to spring your career potential full steam.

1. Arrive on-time (not earlier)And explain to your new colleagues: "People who come in early does not understand what sharp and punctual mean" What a great first impression it will leave.

2. Bring some documents from homeAnd slip in some magazines to read. First half of the day will be boring because they just don't know what task to assign you. They'll torture you with employees handbook and other propaganda material.

3. Don't tell people you're excited with the new jobIt will cheapen your value. They should feel excited having you.

4. Don't remember namesIt's just not cool. See above.

5. Identify the key charactersThere will always the loved (the diligent employees) and the despised (infringed lazy bastards) seniors. Stick with the latter to make yourself feel better.

6. Don't get optimisticIf you're seeing professionalism among your new peers, remember they can't act that well for more than a day.

7. Don't do follow-ups with the admins and IT personnelBecause the sooner you get the access card/workstation/stationaries/passwords, the earlier you have to start working.

8. Don't jump the gun trying to impress people...with your talent and capabilities. Remember, the less capable they perceive you, the less work they'll assign you. You got the job already right?9. Don't ask questionsThe more you know, the less excuse you have to defend yourself once you make mistakes. Remember, it's not a question of 'if', it's 'once'.

10. Skim your boss' roomAnd identify his interests and achievements. That way you know which subject you can complement and praise him in your quest as an ultimate ass-kisser.

11. Show signs of povertyDon't flaunt your wealth, convince them you're a poor guy to avoid treating your colleagues to lunch once you claim your first month's paycheck.12. Identify other fellow newbiesAnd own them. It'll be handy when you go to the induction class/course - for covering your absenteeism.

Monday, August 11, 2008

When I received my August 1st Time Magazine's issue in my mailbox, I was quickly drawn upon the familiar face on the glossy cover- it's the former #1 billionaire, Mr. Bill Gates. The PC tycoon personally did a write-up, covering the subject he mastered so greatly- capitalism.

A quote from his opening paragraph:

How To Fix Capitalism

In these tough times, it's easy to forget that during the past century, the world has gotten better. But billions have not been able to benefit from the capitalism's miracle. Here's how to help them..

He suggested 'Creative Capitalism' as a mean to serve the market. The ability to create new approaches to expand the reach to a wider people- to increase the span of capitalists' 'miracle'- that's what can be done to help more people.

Well, we're definitely on the same page here. Here are some case studies on how I told my clients to be creative in conducting their businesses:

Creative Diverting

When a timber company approached me for a help in facing the growing global warming protests, I told them to creatively divert those protest. Go to the government. Lobby them. Bribe them. Donate to their campaign fund. Ask them to support the business as another crucial effort to sustain human life. The protest then shifted to the government, while the company continued to make hefty profit from clearing the forest.

Creative Yelling

When a cosmetic company told me they're facing a growing Attention Deficit Disorder and advertisement fatigue among the consumers, I told them to be more creative in finding places to slot ads. Conventional media like billboards can attract consumers , but its message retention rate will be poorer by the day. So put the ads where the customers can't turn away. Paint the whole train. Sponsor a stadium. Or maybe in the future, paste ads on people's foreheads.

Creative Fibbing

When a pharmaceutical producer came to me about their lack of product credibility, I immediately asked them to find several desperate doctors and pay them to be the ambassador for the product. It doesn't matter whether the product works or not- or whether the expert really knows what he's talking about. It's the assurance from someone 'outside' your company that matters.

Creative Sabotaging

Repeat purchases by your current customers are what you should aim for. But what if you only have one or limited product ? When a computer hardware company asked my advice, I told them to creatively design the product so that it'll fail sometime later. And inform the customers that the failure is another natural wear and tear. An upgrade or replacement is then needed. As a result, a repeat purchase.

Creative Stunning

When a telco company approached me to solve their customer phone support woes, I asked them to adopt a more creative method. Instead of having their customers waiting for hours before someone talk to them- use the automated answering machine with sexy voices to immediately pick-up any calls. Give them hundreds of options to select, in the name of 'more effective system'. Play soothing song in between. That will keep them occupied before an actual human being is available to talk to.

*****

When Mr. Gates mentioned 'miracle' in capitalism, you now see how I concur with his view. The power to agonize people, without them realizing, is a miracle indeed.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

For sure you've heard about the Theory X and Y management styles. There's even theory Z, but then I don't think it fits the continuum of the first 2 theories to be relevant.

Let's see theory X. Managers who are the proponents of Theory X will ALWAYS assume their workers are lazy and are reluctant towards working. Thus managers need to continuously enforce, monitor and crack their whip on these workers.

Theory Y managers are the complete opposite. They will always assume the best out of their employees, seeing these people as independent, reliable and self-driven employees. Encouragement and motivation is the way to go.

Well, I have my own theory. It sounds like this:

There is no such thing as Theory Y.

Why? Because a theory is just a speculation, it only exists so that a more astute observation can qualify or nullify its validity. Oh crap. I don't think you're following me. Let me rephrase.

If something is consistently proven wrong, we shall no longer call it a theory.

You should agree with my view that theory X is the only acceptable theory. After all, you can't assume the best out of yourselves when there's things like these:

You complain about not having any internet connection in office. But when you do get one, 9 out of 10 tabs will consist of entertainment sites.

Your routine morning e-mail activity is mostly spent on reading and forwarding funny chain mails. And the occasional "forward this to get $1 billion in your account" emails.

If you come in late, you will never tell your boss if he didn't realize it.

You're only eager to go to work if your boss is out of town for conferences or holidays.

You felt joy when you're assigned to go out of the office, which you will always drop by someplace not related to your work.

You always wish you have the best desk- the one located near the walls so nobody can see your PC screen. If your cubicle have glasses, you'll paste every schedules available on it so that your sleep will be unnoticed.

You would always ask how much is the salary FIRST if there's a job offer or promotion.

When calculating allowance claims, you will always overestimate. When filing your tax return, you will always underestimate.

The only reason you keep track of your projects and deadlines is to identify the time when you can sit back and relax.

You never talk about work in the cafeteria. You will always whine about them.

So let's admit that there's no such thing as a motivated, self-driven, ambitious and trustworthy employees. At the end of the day, all you ever care for is bringing the most money home - by doing the least work possible.

Monday, August 4, 2008

I've never slap any adverts in my blog before, but since I owe a lot to the capitalists' ideologies, I'm about to change that and screw the unfortunates with intrusive, obtrusive and annoying advertisements.

Not that I need the money badly, but I believe if you can't come out with something that you need, your incapability must be penalized. This is how 'equilibrium pricing' works anyway.

In months to come, you'll be harassed with adverts which will tremendously effect your browser loading time, your focus on the content and subsequently your mood for the day.

Thus this is a great time for you to actually learn what RSS subscription is so you can read my writing without actually being here.

Video: RSS in Plain English

Subscribe to my full feeds through a feed-reader, or read my writing through your email. I will not spam you nor sell your address to anybody.

Existing subscribers don't have to resubscribe.(Thanks Avatar for bringing this up)

But of course I will not let you get away that easy. By reading my writing in someplace else, you will miss some planned features for this site (like the new upcoming Sidenotes), which will be only available if you come here and suck those ads. If you're curious what those features are, check this blog more often then.

New Address: www.blackzedd.com

As the first step towards my evil plan, Black Zedd's Basic Literature is now streaming from a new address: www.blackzedd.com. All old links will be redirected to this domain.

For you people out there who are struggling to remember my address and type 'Black Zedd' in Google's search bar (I know), now you don't have any excuse to do so. Just type Black Zedd, add the typical dot com (or press CTRL + ENTER) - and voila!

Some changes will take place from time to time to accommodate this wicked strategy. If you're accustomed to my writing, you'll know the suffering is an exaggeration. But then stock valuations also work this way.

If you're in the corporate world, Black Zedd's blog is a must-read. Just make sure not to browse his site during work hours, or your illicit chuckles may garner a few eyebrows. Eh, what the heck, send this to your boss! Tip Diva

Wow! Really good corporate humor. Dilbert may have a run for his money. Great job!
Saphrym.com