6.24.2015

It has been a very long time since I have shared my life on this blog....

So, the last few years I have ventured out into
the place I never pictured myself going. It was something I pushed away
after losing the love of my life because the thought disgusted me about
trying to love someone else and if I was even capable of loving so
fully again after experiencing such painful loss. Also, knowing full
well, that I had near perfection/nay, perfection in a relationship,
(seriously, like magical unicorns and fairies riding on rainbows.
PERFECT) and knowing nothing could ever seem to match it.

I got to a point however where I realized I could still be head over
heels in love with Frankie, but I somehow let go of the the plan of
having him here with me on earth and having the family that we had
always planned on. I let go. I had to.

I knew I could grow
old all alone...but I was able to come to grips with the reality of...I
don't want to. If it had been me who had died, I would have never wished that Frankie would
continue to live without the things that we both desired the most. Including a loving relationship.

I want my unicorns, rainbows and fairies, damnit.

I am a giver, a lover, and being in a loving relationship is one of the
most pure, amazing, life embracing, selfless things a person can do. It is by far
the best thing I have done on this earth at this point in my life.
Being able to have pure joy with Frankie and making him so happy while
he was here, and knowing that I was loved so unconditionally...makes me
crave that.

So....I jumped in feet first.

Well, you
know those stories you hear from other widows (who I love dearly)....that say, "My husband led me
to him. It was magic." Wellllllll....unfortunately, I have not
experienced that feeling. If anything it has, sadly, been quite the
opposite.

I have had 3 relationships.

3 terrible
relationships that make me question why I had the feeling that I had to
let go in the first place. I jumped in, and realized that my pool was
full of stinky, dirty, rocky sludge, just a little too late. Three
boys who not only used my kind, give the benefit of the doubt heart, and
took its already shattered pieces, lit them on fire, danced around them, then got tired and peed on the ashes.

Yeah, that's
descriptive, I know. But honestly, I have just given so much of me that
at this point...there is not a whole lot left. Sometimes I seriously believe the
only way not to go through anymore of this and be with someone who loves
me unconditionally is just to die. My love is in some other realm, that
I simply think about being in every single day.

So....the dirty details. I know that you are dying to hear. (Let's be honest, I'm the only one who will probably read this).

Relationship
#1 used me and my generosity to a point that I don't even think sharing
what he did or took from me is worth it. I should have seen the red flags. He liked the fact that I still wore my wedding ring because it meant
other guys would not hit on me. The first few months were good. He was
extremely jealous though and insecure because of his past relationship
issues. After 5/6 months he started showing his true colors. He was
just a grumpy human. He was older than me, never married, didn't treat
people well, and started accusing me of ridiculous things, even
searching through my computer history and other nonsense. He had
issues. Issues I didn't want to deal with. So, I called it quits. He
begged me to stay...he would change....No thanks dude. You are mean.

And, I want my F*@cking rainbow!!!

#2 - Oh buddy, this relationship was a joke. I went into this one
rather fast after dating #1. He worked with me and was the new hottie
on the block. I was just drawn to him. He was outgoing, friendly and
always up for a fun time. I was too. I didn't want anything serious.
He didn't want anything serious. I just enjoyed his company and hanging
out with him all the time. We laughed a lot. We did so much fun stuff together like
fishing, volleyball, camping, working out and really just enjoyed our time
together. I'll just say this. We never were official, but he was my
best friend for a while. I loved his family, we spent most of our time
together and I thought things were going well and could lead to
something more serious... but he just wanted to have me around and thought I would stick because we were so close, but behind my back he decided he needed other girls. A lot
of girls....What in the??? How do I go from being a man's one and only to this shit??? Not ok. Fairy killer. :)

Hey
douchebags!! I'm a widow, remember?? Who lost the love of her life in a tragic, heroic way? Who
is putting her already broken heart on the line, just hoping someone
will see her worth and love her! I have a lot of awesome love to give!

You
know what is crazy though. After the hurt I had been through, those
two felt like little rubber band snaps to the heart. Just a little
flick...and then I was fine. I got over it. I obviously did not love
them...they obviously were not right for me. They had no respect for my
heart.

#3. This one is still pretty raw and fresh. I'm
heartbroken even. Shattered again. This one really hurts...aches.
Me and #3 were good, great even, but after a year and 1/2 of a really
awesome relationship he decided that he wasn't sure if he could promise
me the future I want. I could say more, but all I know is that I feel
deceived by this one. He really let me believe that he truly loved me.
I saw a future with him.

My walls instantly went back up at
his indecisiveness. I went right back to a place I was at 6 years ago.

F@ck dating!! Get out of my life now.

I miss #3 terribly....but the crazy thing is, I miss Frankie more. My heartache went instantly back to the love of my life. The person I didn't ever have to settle with. The MAN who knew my heart, my worth. The man who was magic and our love was magic, and we both knew it. The man who looked into my eyes and knew that he would always look into them and would never make them cry unless they were tears of joy. The man who knew he wanted to spend eternity with me. Who made a promise to God and me that he would spend his life doing just that. The man who actually gave me rainbows on a daily basis in Hawaii...and heart clouds on my hardest days even after death. Who wrote me love poems and rushed home to spend every wonderful second that we could together.

Frankie was my unicorn. :)

And now I know that magic for me has happened. And if it only happens once. I'm ok with that. I have to be.

I gave the world of widow dating a fair shot. I'm done with it.

And for now...my heart needs to recover before I decide to just end my life to get back to my love.

I do understand that I have some work to do on my grief. I know that 6 years later it feels just as fresh. I lost something so huge, and I don't need a replacement. I knew every time in these three relationships that when they said the words, "I have such big shoes to fill"...that they didn't understand at all. I did not compare them or expect a replacement. I saw them all individually for who they were...and they simply ended up not being enough. They need to fill their own shoes and know their own hearts and respect mine before they can promise me a future.

So...for now I need to just work on myself and somehow figure out my own magical fairyland.

I know what Frankie and I used to say to one another still rings true, and that because of it I will be alright....