BUT WHAT ABOUT THE STODDEN

I think Courtney Stodden is in danger you guys. What if she falls and scuffs her knee? What if she’s unable to escape the dragon that appears to be chasing her? What if she’s being cyberbullied by a 14 year old on Twitter AS WE SPEAK? At 17 years old, Stodden is in constant hypothetical danger. Good news though, a beefed-up CISPA just passed in the House, including revised language subsuming “the children” under “cybersecurity.” You can breathe a sigh of relief, CourtCourt, now anybody who so much as thinks a nasty thing about you could be subject to limitless government search. Per Techdirt:

Previously, CISPA allowed the government to use information for “cybersecurity” or “national security” purposes. Those purposes have not been limited or removed. Instead, three more valid uses have been added: investigation and prosecution of cybersecurity crime, protection of individuals, and protection of children. Cybersecurity crime is defined as any crime involving network disruption or hacking, plus any violation of the CFAA.

Basically this means CISPA can no longer be called a cybersecurity bill at all. The government would be able to search information it collects under CISPA for the purposes of investigating American citizens with complete immunity from all privacy protections as long as they can claim someone committed a “cybersecurity crime”. Basically it says the 4th Amendment does not apply online, at all. Moreover, the government could do whatever it wants with the data as long as it can claim that someone was in danger of bodily harm, or that children were somehow threatened—again, notwithstanding absolutely any other law that would normally limit the government’s power.

This is excellent news. Nothing is more precious to us than OUR CHILDREN, particularly of the teenage child bride variety. But Courtney Stodden won’t be the only beneficiary of Congress’ largesse. We ALL stand to win, particularly given the difficulty of knowing exactly how old people are online. You hear that, anyone who’s ever said anything rude to anyone on the internet? THEY MIGHT BE 17. In conclusion, CISPA is an excellent piece of legislation designed to provide legal avenues of pushback against political dissent protect our children and make the internet as locked down safe a place as possible. You guys are the worst best!