A change in my mentality.

Okay so I went through a breakup. Kind of.

A non conventional, manipulative, toxic, non exclusive relationship came tumbling down, like everyone told me it would, and like I knew it would but denied for months. And I was sad. I was so so sad, I now completely understand those that put heartbreak under the umbrella of grief because I was grieving. Grieving over the loss of someone I thought I needed in my life, knowing that the only way my life was going to progress for the better was without him in it. And it hurt a lot and there was a point where I did feel like I was going to be sad forever.

But I wasn’t. I told myself after I said goodbye to him for the last time that that was it. I was going to feel better now, even if I didn’t want to in the beginning. So I saw friends, spent time with my family, laughed, joked, got a job doing something I loved and I blocked him on all social media.

And for the first time in the best part of a year, I felt lighter. There were moments where I realised I hadn’t thought about it in days, and this pushed me to smile and keep going. And now, I think I’m over it and I cannot wait to start my second year at uni afresh.

I won’t have pass on opportunities because he just needs to spend time with me tonight. I won’t have put down my book to talk to him instead. I won’t have to spend less time with my friends because he’s my best friend. I won’t need to waste my time on something that doesn’t give me anything back.

I’m going to drink iced coffee out of cute glass jars and read every night. I’m going to go out to bars with my friends and dance till I can’t anymore. I’m going to throw myself into my work and invest my time in my future. I’m going to write as much as possible, be that on here, or a script, poem or shopping list. I’m going to join dutch society and learn the language and go swimming and I’m going to smile and laugh and live my way through it all.