How to Teach Your Baby to Self Soothe

Frustrated when your baby doesn’t fall asleep on his own? Learn how to teach your baby self soothing techniques to sleep with these effective techniques.

I was on a rocking cycle, rocking my baby until he fell asleep in my arms. Because once I placed him in the crib, his eyes flew open, forcing me to start the cycle again.

So then I tried another approach: I rocked him until he was completely knocked out. While he didn’t wake up immediately, he eventually would a few minutes later, realizing he was no longer in the same place.

In the newborn stage, I understood the need to help him fall asleep. He was dependent from birth and remained so during those early months.

But those months came and went, and I worried I’d always need to rock him to sleep, or continue to repeat the cycle for the many times he’d wake up. I had heard of parents rocking toddlers, and was afraid I had relied on habits that, like all habits, don’t always go away on their own.

Teaching your baby self soothing techniques

By the time my twins came, I knew I didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes. They were still too young to sleep train, but I also wanted to do away with habits I knew would make self soothing hard.

So I made changes, starting with my mindset. I went from helping them fall asleep to helping them learn to fall asleep. Where I had once scoffed at the idea of not rushing in, I now saw the value in self soothing.

I began to apply sleep habits I should’ve implemented with my eldest from the start—best practices that allowed them to develop the skill to fall asleep.

As soon as I did, I noticed changes. I could lay them down and expect them to fall asleep on their own. I didn’t always have to nurse or rock them so long, and they found other ways to fall asleep.

As it is with kids, not everything is ever 100% guaranteed, but I gave them the opportunity to at least try. Because yes, there were moments when I resorted back to rocking and nursing, but at least those methods became the last resort, not my first go-to moves.

Below are the self soothing techniques for babies I did, starting with the most important step: adjusting my mindset.

1. Change your mindset

I thought my job was to stop my baby’s tears as quickly as possible, or even to prevent them from happening. If he fussed from waking up, my job was to soothe him back to sleep. I never considered the potential downsides of doing so.

But then I learned two insights that changed how I viewed my baby’s sleep. I needed to:

This was hard. I was used to rushing in at the slightest whimper. I rocked my baby until my knees gave out, and I couldn’t stand the sound of his cries and did anything to stop them.

But rescuing my baby from every discomfort didn’t give him the opportunity to self soothe.

All babies experience “stress,” though not the kind of stress you might imagine. This isn’t the stress from lack of affection, food or shelter. Instead, this is stress like a pacifier falling out, a diaper itching, and falling asleep on his own.

Our job isn’t always to save them from every discomfort, but rather to equip them to handle discomfort. For teenagers, this might mean giving the autonomy they need to make decisions, while for babies, it can be as simple as waiting a minute before we go in.

And the most important part? We have to believe they’re capable of doing so. Our own doubts can be the very factor that prevent them from falling asleep, especially when we’re pulled to rush in and don’t want to see them unhappy.

Because no one likes to see their kids uncomfortable, especially when rocking or nursing seem to do the trick. And yes, we should soothe our babies when they can’t manage on their own and are inconsolable.

But letting them try self soothing as a first attempt helps them experience what it’s like to fall asleep on their own.

Change your mindset and believe that your baby really can put himself to sleep on his own.

2. Establish a set bedtime and routine

Imagine spending your days without knowing what comes next, or that each day is completely different from the one before. Without a routine, you and your baby feel like you have no order or predictability.

But with a simple routine in place, your baby can thrive with regularity. The more familiar he is with your routine, the more he’ll come to expect them and know what tends to happen next.

He understands the sequence (for instance, bath, pajamas then bed), as well as the general time of the day things happen.

How does this teach your baby self soothing? The predictability helps him feel less anxious when he knows what to expect. He’s also less likely to resist events in your day, including sleep, when he knows this is expected.

So, now that you know how important a routine is for your baby, how do you implement one?

Routines are two-part: First, you have a structure of your day, or what I call “pillars,” such as playtime, meals, naps, bath and bedtime. Then, you have the rituals that signal each of these events, such as your bedtime routine.

Do the same things around the same times, such as naps at 10am and again at 3pm. Or at least do them in the same order, such as play time, lunch and nap.

Look for patterns in your baby’s day, such as noticing he tends to be awake for two hours, or eats every three.

Even if naps don’t end up exactly at the same time every day, try to keep bedtime consistent. For instance, adjust or wake your baby up from his last nap so he can still feel sleepy come his 7:30pm bedtime.

3. Don’t pick your baby up right away

If you’re like me, you pick your baby up at the slightest sound. He could be whimpering from waking up mid-nap, or crying after you had just put him down. You’re tempted to stop everything you’re doing, rush right in and comfort him, almost as if you’re saving him from a catastrophe.

Except I learned that reacting so quickly has its own set of problems:

Your baby has no chance to settle on his own. He doesn’t have an opportunity to learn what it’s like to calm down.

Your baby associates waking up with needing external sleep aids to help him fall asleep. Instead of waking up and realizing it’s okay to wait or find ways to self soothe, he relies on outside sources only.

Rushing in stresses you out. You’ve likely had more than one moment when you’ve rushed into his room in a panic, then felt stressed that he’s fussing yet again.

Your baby senses your anxiety and will feel stressed as well. He’ll have a hard time calming down when you feel stressed.

Once I learned the downsides of rushing right into my babies’ room, I stopped reacting to their cries as if they were in the worst danger. Instead, I finished any quick tasks I was doing before going in.

And I didn’t overreact. I understood they cried for many reasons, and that they weren’t hungry, injured neglected. Not picking them up right away didn’t always mean they went back to sleep (although that did happen!). Instead, they learned the value in waiting.

The younger the baby, the quicker we meet their needs. But eventually, it’s also okay to finish that dish you were washing or reassure your child it’s not time to wake up yet. Discomfort even in the slightest level is inevitable, but he’ll know he’ll still be okay regardless.

Consider unswaddling to help your baby learn to suck his fingers and hands.

4. Leave your baby’s arms unswaddled

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Swaddles can be the sanity-saving tool we need, especially in the newborn days when the Moro reflex is in full force. Other times, babies need that snug feeling to fall asleep, which can feel so different from the wide open space of their cribs and bassinets.

The downside though? Swaddles make it nearly impossible for babies to suck their hands, which is one of the best ways to self soothe.

My babies took to sucking any combination of their fingers, knuckles, and even their fists. While pacifiers can come loose, a hand is easy to find. And after the newborn stage, they no longer have the Moro reflex, so the need to keep their arms snug isn’t as necessary.

Whether regularly or once in a while, give your baby a chance to sleep unswaddled. Try it as a first resort before putting him in a full swaddle.

5. Put your baby down drowsy but awake

Not knowing what I was doing, I put my baby down fast asleep each time. I thought that’s how I was supposed to put him to sleep. And it seemed to work, for the most part: At least I knew he’d fall asleep so long as he started off in my arms.

But only minutes later, I’d hear his cries from the other room, a telltale sign that he’d woken up realizing I was no longer there.

He seemed confused when he woke up in a new environment he didn’t remember falling asleep in. And worse, he was unable to fall back asleep and needed me to repeat the rocking cycle.

Because I’d been the one putting him to sleep, he wasn’t able to experience falling asleep on his own—I had never given him the chance to.

Then I learned to put the baby down drowsy but awake. You want him drowsy enough that sleep comes easier, but not so knocked out that he won’t recognize his new environment once you lay him down. Plus, being slightly awake gives him the chance to sleep without being held.

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How to put your baby down drowsy but awake

Look for sleep cues to determine when it’s time for him to take another nap. Make sure he’s not awake too long that he goes from sleepy to simply overtired (and harder to put to sleep). You can even rock or hold him slightly, just to get him to that drowsy state.

Make the room conducive to sleep by keeping it dark and adding white noise so your baby has a better chance of falling and staying asleep. Then, set him down drowsy but awake and let him fall asleep on his own.

Once I learned this trick, I made the “drowsy but awake” my first attempt before assuming I needed to rock or nurse. Many times I’d lay them down—even with eyes wide open—and later find they’d fallen asleep after a few minutes.

What if your baby cries and cries after you put him down?

Let’s say you get your baby drowsy enough, but each time you lay him down, he not only wakes up wide awake but is crying. What then?

Use discernment. If your baby is whimpering, you may be able to let him know it’s time to sleep and see if he can settle down after a few minutes.

If he’s angry and upset, then you’ll likely have to calm him down. But if you have to help to your toddler or use the bathroom yourself, it’s also okay to leave him a few minutes to tend to that before consoling him again.

Put your baby down drowsy enough to make sleeping easier, but still slightly awake so he can put himself to sleep.

6. It’s okay if your baby is lying down awake

See if this sounds familiar: You put your baby down to sleep, but the minute his head touches the mattress, his eyes fly wide open.

This happened to me whether I had rocked him to sleep or even to a drowsy state. No matter how sleepy I thought he was, he’d shoot straight to awake mode. He didn’t seem to have a “drowsy state” lying down. Things is, he wasn’t crying, but he was wide awake and didn’t look sleepy at all.

So I did what I thought I should: I picked him up and rocked again.

I didn’t know it was possible—that it was okay, even—for babies to lie awake. I imagined the worse: What if our schedule gets thrown off? What if he never falls asleep, or stays awake for hours?

When I later had my twins, I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I wondered if it really was possible for a baby wide awake to eventually fall asleep on his own.

Turns out, many times they would actually fall asleep, even when earlier they’d been wide awake.

And yes, sometimes they cried and fussed, at which point I’d either give them a few minutes to settle down or rock them to a sleepy state again. But I also realized I had missed many opportunities in the past by not allowing them the chance to fall asleep on their own.

I learned that it’s really okay for a baby to lie down awake, especially when he’s not even crying. After all, you and I don’t even knock out the minute we lie down—It can take us a few minutes to settle in.

Don’t feel like your baby is on a timer and needs to be asleep by a certain time. Follow his lead, and look at his time awake in the crib as an opportunity to self soothe.

7. Feed your baby after waking up

Once I realized how quickly my baby fell asleep from nursing, I fed him to sleep every time. But then I ran into a problem: he’d only fall asleep with nursing (and rocking). I created a habit that made it hard to put him to sleep in other ways.

Then I learned about feeding a baby after he wakes up. Giving milk no longer became an external sleep aid he needed to fall asleep. He was less likely to wake up mid-nap crying for milk.

Feeding him after waking up encouraged him to find different ways to sleep, such as sucking, rocking his head side to side, even cooing. He had the energy to play during awake time and was able to digest while he was awake, reducing the chances of gas and digestive issues during sleep.

Feeding your baby after waking up breaks the association between crying and milk.

The only times I would feed and expect my babies to sleep afterward was at night, starting with the bedtime milk. That said, I still encouraged them to fall asleep drowsy but awake by making sure they didn’t sleep during a feeding.

8. Give your baby a comfort item

I was able to encourage my kids to self soothe with a little help from their lovies.

Comfort items like lovies help kids adjust to difficult situations, including being away from us. When I first heard about lovies, I googled and found this popular one on Amazon that had raving reviews.

Well, you can add me to that list.

All three kids have taken to their lovies. They held and found comfort in their special toys and associated sleep with their lovies. To this day, their lovies offer the familiarity they can always rely on.

My boys’ lovies 🙂

What age can you apply these tips?

This article is geared toward young babies in the early infant stage. Habits like establishing a routine and feeding your baby after waking up can start from day one.

Make the tips a “first attempt.” For instance, try to lay your baby down drowsy but awake. If it doesn’t work, then continue with the methods you know will help him sleep. But at least give it a try and allow your child the chance at self soothing in different ways first.

Find a balance of giving your child an opportunity to try with helping him when it gets too tough. Don’t focus on minutes but instead on not panicking or dropping everything to rush to your baby the second he cries.

It’s okay to finish washing the bowl you had in your hands or help your toddler with using the potty before determining why your baby is crying.

The younger the baby, the more dependent he is on you for everything. But as he grows up, you may be able to follow a sleep training program to help him sleep through the night. (Ask your pediatrician when he’s ready.) These tips are about establishing the habits that make sleep easier in the meantime.

Conclusion

By now, you’ve learned that helping your baby with self soothing is possible, especially when you start with the right mindset. That sometimes the biggest hurdle is our own desire to squash our babies’ frustrations.

Try different techniques to help him self soothe. Finish what you were doing before checking in, or leave his arms unswaddled so he can suck on his hands. Put him down drowsy but awake and feed him after he wakes up, not before.

And you need to trust that he can do it. Yes, it’s uncomfortable for your baby try to self soothe. We don’t like to see our kids frustrated, no matter their age. But you need to believe that your baby can self soothe—or at the least, give him the chance to try.

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Comments

I’m the worst at this. All three of my kids have been nursed to sleep. Our first was a terrible sleeper, and didn’t sleep through the night until she was nearly a year old. The second slept through the night from just a few months old…no change in routine between the first and second. The third…well he’s still up during the night, but we’ve figured out a few tricks to make it easier for all of us. I guess my attitude is that it won’t last forever. Well, that and I’m no longer getting up at 4:30 in the morning to go to work! 😀

Oh gosh Leslie, 4:30?! Geez I thought I was up early at 5:20 when I was pumping at working. I love your attitude—it won’t last forever! It really doesn’t, and the more I accept the season I’m in, the more at peace I am with even the worst scenarios.

These are all great tips! I am guilty of feeding all three of my babies before sleeping them. It’s so much easier for me to do, haha! That being said, I would sometimes get frustrated that they needed me to sleep them instead of them sleeping on their own. So, I do recommend to teach baby how to self soothe, saves stress and frustration.

We do what we gotta do 😉 Especially in the early days, it’s pure survival mode, so I can see why we also rely on nursing to fall asleep. But you’re right—it does set up some hard to break habits down the line!

My 14 month old will scream and scream in her crib until I come back and pick her up. I’ve tried just sitting and rubbing her back but she won’t calm down. I also feel like there’s no drowsy stage for her. She’s either awake or tired. If I put her down while she seems to be tired, she wakes up and screams immediately. The only time this doesn’t seem to happen is when we transition from car seat to stroller or vice versa when she’s sleeping during errands. I need help…my daughter will never leave our bed!!

Thanks so much for your comment. I can only imagine how frustrating it is is after 14 months of this! At this age, it’s probably okay to sleep train her and allow her to fall asleep on her own, even if she cries (you’d check in every few minutes to reassure her you’re there, and that you believe in her and that she can put herself to sleep). We’re creatures of habit, so she only knows what she knows because it’s all she’s experienced. (I wrote a guide on sleep training twins but it’s applicable to singletons too if you’re interested: https://sleepingshouldbeeasy.com/sleep-train-twins/).

Otherwise, first thing I’d actually not do is sit with her and pat. I’ve found that this frustrates them even more. She’s thinking, “What are you doing just sitting there patting me? Pick me up already!!” She’s used to falling asleep with motion (car or stroller), so now she can learn how to fall asleep flat and without motion, in a crib (like how you and I fall asleep on a bed). She’ll cry and have a hard time with it, as with any challenge, but she won’t learn to sleep on her own in her crib if she doesn’t have a chance to.

Hi I hope you managed to get your daughter to self sooth it’s so much harder as they get older, I went through the the same thing with first son at 12 months and they can’t half scream. I would like to say it is so hard but so worth it if you can stomach it. Good luck. I doing it again now with 7 month old Toni x

What age would you say is good to start doing these things? My lo is 8 weeks, but hasn’t “found” his hands yet so it feels too soon. He can’t yet choose to put them in his mouth. They only end up there by chance sometimes.

This article was geared towards babies in the early months. I’d do a mix of giving it a try, but if it doesn’t work, then it’s okay to resort to any means necessary. With all my kids, for instance, I wouldn’t rush in with every whimper, but I would eventually go in if they hadn’t settled themselves yet. Or I’d try unswaddling them for a nap, or putting them down drowsy and awake, hoping they’d figure it out on their own. But if it turned out they didn’t for that nap, I would rock them to sleep. It’s a balance of giving them an opportunity to try with helping them out when it got too tough.

Thanks, Lizzi! Usually I feed them when they wake up. So they wake up in the morning, they get milk, play for a little, then nap. Repeat when they wake up from nap: feed, play, take a nap. The exception is when they go to sleep for the night. I like to feed them at the end of the day before they take their long sleep. ~Nina

I was wondering how much of what you post is evodence based, or just your beliefs?

Because babies don’t have the capacity to self soothe, not can they learn it on their own. Also, self soothing is not one thing. It depends on why the baby is upset in the first place. Is it thirsty, hungry, scared, has an itch, in pain etc etc? It makes me sad when self soothing is promoted in this way and babies are left to cry. They, arguably, just learn to shut down, not to self soothe. And I can’t think of anything worse for my baby…

Hi Anna, thanks for your comment! Everything I write on the blog is what I’m learning as a mom, and that includes what I read and research, my experience, and other moms’ experiences as well. During the early months, I agree that babies don’t have the capacity to self soothe, and it’s up to us to provide for their needs. But after a while, it’s totally possible for babies to learn to suck their hand, or coo, or rock their heads side to side, etc to fall asleep. I don’t think we give them enough credit for all that they can do, including putting themselves to sleep. We’re not talking neglect here—just giving them a chance to do little things on their own. But as always, thanks for your comment! I truly appreciate you taking the time to give constructive feedback—that’s what I love to read on the blog!

Hi Fatima, None of these would deter a baby from attaching, so it’s okay to begin practicing these habits from day one. For instance, creating a routine of some sorts will help a baby know what to expect (a routine not based on the clock but more on what comes after what). And while newborns are too young to sleep train, it’s okay to not panic, drop everything and rush to your baby the second they whimper or cry. That it’s okay to finish washing the bowl you were washing or helping your toddler pull up his pants from the potty before seeing what your baby is crying about. And you can also feed your baby after he wakes up rather than feed him to sleep, for instance. Gauge it according to your baby’s age, knowing that the younger he is, the more dependent he is on you for everything, and as he grows up, he can begin to be more independent in small ways.

These habits can be started from early on (for instance, feeding your baby after he wakes up), but if you’re thinking more about sleep training, you’d want to check with your baby’s pediatrician. Typically though it’s around 4 months or 15 lbs.

Your son seems too young for any type of sleep training, so I would just go in a few minutes after he cries, especially if he sounds inconsolable. I’m talking more about the times when, let’s say you’re washing dishes and finishing up a plate, you don’t need to stop washing mid-plate and rush to him if he’s whimpering. Instead, finish up, then tend to his cries. Or let’s say you’re helping an older child use the potty—go ahead and help him, then when you’re done, tend to the crying baby. At three months, I wouldn’t do formal sleep training (perhaps at about 4 months, though your baby’s pediatrician would know best depending on his stats).

I have been doing sleep training with my 3.5 month old son for almost a week now based on the book “Sleep Sense”. It is exactly what you are talking about here. And it works! He was only sleeping 1-3 hour stretches at night because he would wake up and need me to help him get back to sleep, but since sleep training, he sleeps 7 or 8 hours at a time because he has learned his own strategies to put himself back to sleep. It is wonderful! 🙂 We are having a challenging time with naps though. I follow a routine for both naps and bed time. They are similar though the nap routine is much shorter and doesn’t involve a wardrobe change. He goes down for his naps alright but just can’t seem to stay asleep for more than 30 minutes. Poor little guy is so tired. I try letting him fall back to sleep on his own, but he so rarely is able to. Mostly he just continues to cry until I pick him up. Any advice?

I’m not familiar with that book, but in general naps are much harder for babies to sleep train than nights. It could also be that your baby may not be ready to sleep train for naps yet (your pediatrician would let you know if he’s at the right age—mine were about 4 months old). I’d continue to be consistent with your sleep training routine for both nights and naps so that he can learn to adjust (sometimes it takes a few weeks for naps to truly settle in). If you’re interested, I actually lay out a plan for sleep training. It’s for twins but works just as well for single babies too (https://sleepingshouldbeeasy.com/sleep-train-twins/). But the process involves checking in in certain intervals. I’d also check to see if nap times are at the optimal times. For instance, not too early from when he last woke that he’s not tired enough, but also not too long of awake time that he’s overtired. I know, it’s crazy keeping these things in mind sometimes! But I think it’s great he’s able to fall asleep on his own, it’s just a matter of checking in when he wakes up and letting him know it’s not time to wake up yet. xo Nina

Hi Sarah! You actually don’t need to bathe your baby every night, since they hardly get dirty. I would just make sure to give their faces and hands a wipe, then when you do bathe them, make sure to clean all the crevices and folds that may be easily overlooked. But you’re right—for me, I started bathing every night because it seemed to work well as a cue that it would be bedtime soon. Maybe you can replace it with another activity that’s a little easier to do, like a baby massage.

Hi! I have two adorable babies. My eldest is 2 and a half and my second is 8 months. The 8 month old doesn’t sleep through the night at all. Sometimes he wakes up twice. I have been feeding him until he falls asleep because it’s easier but what I want to know is what do I do if I put him in his crib when he is drowsy and he starts crying non stop? Do I pick him up? How is he learning how to self soothe if he is crying? I would like to teach him to fall asleep on his own…: (

Hi Eider! Your baby has grown used to falling asleep through nursing, so he isn’t able to explore other ways to fall asleep or even experience what it’s like to fall asleep other than through nursing. Have you looked into sleep training him to learn to sleep on his own? Typically, you would put him down drowsy but awake and check in with reassuring words that you’re still nearby. The crying itself isn’t what’s making him fall asleep—that’s simply him being vocal about not liking this new arrangement. It’s more about breaking the habits that have gotten him used to sleeping through nursing. Soon he’ll learn that he IS able to fall asleep even without nursing, all while knowing you’re still nearby and also believe he’s capable of doing so.

In your case, I actually wouldn’t suggest picking him up, as this will only frustrate him when you eventually put him down again. You can go in to his room after timed intervals to reassure him you’re here and to make sure everything is fine (for instance, that he doesn’t have poop or doesn’t have his arm sticking out of the crib).

Would you change your advice at all for a newborn (i.e., 3 days old)? And if yes, when would you recommend adding these routines. For example, I can’t imagine having my 3 day old go to sleep without nursing first, or expecting him to self-sooth (he doesn’t know how yet). But I’m really wary about establishing bad habits for the future. Thanks!

Hi Sam! All these tips are more about establishing good habits, so it never hurts to start from day one. That said, yes I would be more flexible with a newborn 🙂 For instance, it’s a good idea to try and lay your baby down drowsy but awake as a first strategy, but if he’s inconsolable and simply won’t sleep, I’ve gone the opposite route and put my babies down asleep, too.

As far as going to sleep without nursing first, your baby just might surprise you by falling asleep on his own even without nursing. You can also try nursing but try to keep him drowsily awake while he does, so that by the time you set him down, he might be drowsy enough to fall asleep on his own. If he doesn’t, you can always help him sleep at that point, but giving him a chance to sleep on his own is a good habit to start.

Help!!!! This is my 3rd baby and yet I’m useless at sleep training with this one!!! He’s 6 months old I feed him to sleep and when he wakes in the night. The trouble is I can’t get him from my arms into his cot as the second he’s not held he screams like mad. I’ve tried leaving him to cry never has he given in, he’s now not swaddles so he can use his hands ha as comforter and tried a night lifht with music. But when he’s crying to I go in reassure him and go again rather than pick him up? And do I do this all night as I crumble as I feel bad that he’s so tired ( as am I!)

It can help your little one sleep through the night so he’s not relying on feeding to fall asleep any longer.

But yes, the general idea is to give him the opportunity to fall asleep on his own and discover ways to soothe himself. Thus far he hasn’t had a chance to do so because he’s been falling asleep with your help.

Thank you for such great tips. I will from now on try not to feed and let them sleep. I too have twins and tandem feed them. I feed them when they wake up, but they also want a feed to sleep as 95%of the feeding time they tend to close their eyes and nod off to sleep. While feeding they also comfort themselves by stroking each other’s hands and head. Ive thought about feeding with a conforter that will later go to bed with them to get them to feel comfortable without me there.

Hi Nuray! You can still feed them before a nap or bedtime, but I would try not to let them fall asleep as they’re eating. Tickle, talk, keep the lights on, etc to keep them drowsy but awake. That way, you lay them down still awake and with the chance to fall asleep on their own. And that’s so cute they comfort one another during a feeding session 🙂 And yes, some people use comfort items like a small blankie to make that transition easier.

Hi Kelly! Have you considered sleep training her? At this point, she has gotten used to sleeping with you and turning to you as a sleep aid. And because of that, she hasn’t had a chance to fall asleep on her own using techniques she can do herself. Things like rocking her head side to side or sucking her thumb. The swing as well is another external sleep aid that she has grown to rely on to fall asleep. As effective as it may be, it’s not always sustainable.

I have a guide on sleep training (it’s for twins but works just as well for singletons 🙂 ) if you’re interested: https://sleepingshouldbeeasy.com/sleep-train-twins/ You’d be teaching her and giving her the opportunity to fall asleep on her own so that she doesn’t have to rely on co-sleeping or the swing to sleep.

My baby cries the second I put her down every single time unless she is completely asleep. She wants feeding 3 times per night and sometimes She just wants to be cuddled. She doesnt lay awake drowsy or cooing and has never fallen asleep alone. She wakes up every 2 hours and screams if She isn’t picked up. I’m a single mum with 2 other children. There’s no advice on what to do in that situation. She is 8 months old.

Big hugs, Anne! I would definitely encourage her to fall asleep on her own, especially since she’s already 8 months old. Have you considered sleep training for a few nights to help her adjust to falling asleep without needing to be completely asleep with you? It seems like she wakes up because she struggles with putting herself back to sleep when she wakes up throughout the night.

Thanks so much for the tips you have included in this blog. This being my third child means that I’m too busy to always run in when my son is crying. However, I really like the system of putting him to sleep drowsy but awake because I often have moments where he wakes up suddenly after fallen into deep sleep in my arms. It can get a bit frustrating after spending 20 mins rocking him to sleep.

Parents of more than one child can definitely relate to not rushing in the minute we hear a cry 🙂 And yes, it’s so worth it to at least try to make the drowsy but awake method your first go to move. Many times it’ll work, especially the more consistent we start!

Hi! I was wondering when you started laying your babies down unswaddled? Most sites say the Moro reflex lasts until 3-4 months. My son is 7 weeks old I want to start trying these tips that you shared, but I feel bad laying him down swaddled because he can’t use his hands to self soothe. I have been using a pacifier, but that falls out pretty quick and then he gets mad. Would it be better to stop the pacifier cold turkey, or let him have it in the beginning and just don’t replace it when he drops it out of his mouth? Don’t get me wrong, I love holding my baby, but I also have a very sensitive two year old that needs some of my attention too. It’s a tough battle!

And I wanted to say, for the most part my baby sleeps good at night (he still eats every 3-4 hours, but he’ll stay asleep once I lay him down after nursing) naps are my main issue. I cannot, for the life of me, get him to sleep anywhere but my arms.

Hi Katie! It varied with my babies, but one I didn’t unswaddle until long after around six months (I didn’t know any better) and did so when I sleep trained. For the others, it wasn’t so much a cold turkey thing with the swaddle in the beginning, but I would try to either leave the arm unswaddled, or start off without a swaddle, or keep it not so tight so he can still pull his arm out, etc. For the pacifier, I would offer that in the beginning if I was having a hard time getting them to sleep (and really, it was only one baby that loved it while the others were only so-so). Usually I used the pacifier during the day or on outings when they would get fussy and I had no quick way to soothe them.

I totally know what you mean about needing to tend to the older child. It’s tough when you feel like you have to hold the baby in your arms while another child needs your attention! At this point at 7 weeks, keep trying these habits as a first go-to move before resorting to deeper sleep aids to help your baby take to it. For instance, maybe don’t offer the pacifier or swaddle the first time around, but if he keeps fussing, then use those two tricks. He’s too young to do any formal sleep training I think, but you can establish the habits and at least see how he’ll take to them.

My 8 month old twins are babies number 4 and 5 for me, and for the first time I have a baby who will not take a paci, doesn’t suck her thumb, and hasn’t attached to a lovey. Naturally, she sleeps terribly because she can’t self soothe. Any ideas?

So sorry to hear that, Lauren! Only one of my kids out of three took really well to a paci, so I know what you mean. At 8 months, would you consider sleep training your twins? I actually have a guide for it if you’re interested: https://sleepingshouldbeeasy.com/sleep-train-twins At this age, they likely can sleep through the night and put themselves to sleep, if you want to go the cold turkey route. Otherwise, I would keep practicing putting her down drowsy but awake, even if it seems like she almost always just cries anyway, so that you’re at least giving her the chance to try to settle first.

she usually goes down pretty well, she just can’t stay asleep. When she wakes up, she can’t get herself back to sleep. I tried sleep training about a month ago, and for six nights she just cried off and on all night long. I couldn’t take it anymore. I actually bought your guide a while back, but all the timers and charting seemed like more than my exhausted brain could handle! Maybe I’ll revisit it.

Hi nina it is really nice article. But my son always nurse and sleep he is 8th months old.
So i really wanted to break this habit. I tried him rocking or patting but finally he wants nursing.i am taking care of my son alone.
Can you please help me how to self sleep. And also he cries to much if i move to another room.
Thanks

Hi Girija, it seems like he’s grown used to nursing or sucking to fall asleep. Can you encourage him to fall asleep by sucking his thumb? Or even use a pacifier in the meantime to wean him from nursing. Also, I would start feeding him after he woke up, not to fall asleep, to further break the habit.

I’m following a similar routine with my five-week-old. During the day, we eat, play, then nap. At night, we eat and then go right back to sleep. The part that I’m still unsure of is that transition from day to night…do you do eat, play, nap, eat, and then right back to sleep? How do you do your transition from day to night?

Usually that time between the last nap and bedtime, you’d want to add some awake time after they eat and before bedtime. So let’s say he woke up from the last nap at 5:30pm. He’d eat at that time, then let’s say he plays until 6:30pm. You can then start your bath or bed time routine at 6:30pm, feed one last time at 7pm and finally go straight to sleep after feeding.

My 9mo old is currently going through, teething, seasonal allergies, separation anxiety & sleep regression so our bedtime & naps were so tough! We are slowly getting back to our normal routin, but be of all that has gone on our son has forgotten how to self smooth so we are working for all of us to relearn this skill. At what age did you give him a lovey? I want to see if that will help him self sooth but not sure if a lovey falls under an unsafe item in his crib. Thank you for this article!

You’re welcome, Adrian! I’m glad the article is coming in helpful. As far as the lovey, you should definitely use your own discernment and ask your pediatrician, but the ones that I got were called Angel Dear, and from what I read on the reviews, it was lightweight and small enough that I felt fine getting it for my kids even as babies. There are supposed to be other brands that are also breathable you might want to research as well.

I Loved this article! As a new mom I’m looking for ways to teach my newborn(11 days old) to self soothe to sleep. Maybe for now it’s to soon to train him, but I really wanted to know in advance what techniques I can use. I feel more confident now. Thank you so much for writing this article!!

I’m a first time mom with an 11 week old who only naps for 30 min when placed in his bassinet, but if i hold him he will nap for up to 2.5 hours. I’m thinking he is waking up between sleep cycles. How can i help him fall back asleep on his own as I can tell he is still tired?

Hi Gurminder, I think what’s happening is that your baby doesn’t know how to fall asleep without being held, so he’s only able to fall back asleep between those sleep cycles when he’s in your arms. I would try to put him down drowsy but awake on his own in a bassinet, even if it doesn’t always work the first time. At least giving him any opportunity will make it more likely for him to at least try. Then, I would see if he’ll take a pacifier when you see him stir between the cycles. He might be able to fall asleep for another cycle if he can suck on a pacifier.

Thanks for your post Nina! I’m in a situation where I have to rock my 2 month in my arms to sleep for his naps and bedtime and place him in his crib after he’s knocked out. It’s becoming extremely time consuming and he wakes up after 30-40 mins into his nap (this is not taking into account all the times I have to restart the whole soothing process when he does wake up when I am putting him down). I’m concerned with how little sleep he gets compare to infants his age (I’m aware that each baby is different though!). Do you think I should start “drowsy but awake” with him? Do you put a limit to how many attempts? Say if he doesn’t soothe himself to sleep but cries after 3-4 tries and an hour later, what should I continue or soothe him myself to sleep?

You’re welcome, Vickie! I know exactly what you mean about not taking into account all the time you have to restart (!). With my twins, I would almost always try drowsy but awake first before resorting to rocking, to at least give them a chance to fall asleep on their own. I didn’t really put a limit, but I tried at least once and would then resort to rocking or using the swing. But I was always surprised by the times when they WOULD fall asleep drowsy but awake all on their own, so it’s always worth that try.

My little boy is 5 months old. He sleeps brilliantly
Through the night, he self soothes in the early hours and goes straight back to sleep if I pop a dummy back in for him.

I can’t seem to get him to sleep on his own for his naps though. When I put him down for his evening sleep, he does go to sleep on his bottle, as he always has done and I didn’t want to change they routine, however on a few occasions he has gone in his cot awake from his
Bottle and sent himself to sleep (with his dummy)

I don’t run to him if he cries to give him the chance to settle and Iv done this when he has just been playing etc and it seems to work in that scenario but not in his cot.

We can be down stairs when he starts showing his sleep cues. If I sit him on me, with the dummy, he can go to sleep straight away without any ssahhhing or patting, just sitting but as soon as I go to put him in his cot (still in our room) he wakes up straight away. He can lie quiet for a while and then shorts crying or just cry straight away. On a couple of occasions he does go off with his dummy but as soon as the dummy falls out he’s awake and screaming. I leave him to see if he can go down on his own again but he doesn’t. Iv also done it while
Iv lay next to him holding his hand and again he will drop
Off and then suddenly scream (even with his dummy in). He is generally a very placid baby, it’s just these naps.

It seems like he’s gotten used to falling asleep with sleep aids, and in certain conditions (being held, or having you nearby) which makes it hard for him to sleep in the crib on his own. Have you considered sleep training to help him fall asleep on his own without these crutches? At five months, he’s likely able to learn to fall asleep completely on his own, even without the bottle, pacifier, rocking or shushing.

I’m desperate for my baby to self soothe. I try to look for signs that she’s tired and put her straight down but she just screams and screams until I pick her up. All I can do to get her to sleep is feed her, walk her in her pram or carry her in her sling. She wakes during the day after exactly 30 minutes and wakes every 2-3 hours throughout the night. I spend all day trying to get her to nap and I’m beyond exhausted.

Depending on her age, she may be able to sleep train. If she’s still in the first few months though I would focus more on implementing good sleep habits as a first resort, but not let it get to you if it doesn’t always pan out. This is the stage where they’re very reliant on us for everything. It’s good to implement the habits, but also okay to resort to other means like feeding or walking to get her to sleep.

Help, I’ve found these points really useful and know what my little girl Lilie and I now need to do. However she gets so frustrated that she isn’t able to fall asleep she scrams her face and is sometimes sick! Lilie is four months old. I don’t allow her to scream for longer than two minutes and keep returning to reassure her but by this time she has hit the roof and there’s no bringing her down. I bottle feed her to sleep and put her down fast asleep. Such a bad habit but as she suffered so badly with comic and reflux this has been the only solution since birth. Any extra advice would be much appreciated.

I would try to do these tips at least as a first try each time. Don’t worry if you have to resort to bottle feeding her afterward, but at least give her the opportunity to try. She’s grown used to feeding to sleep, which makes it harder on her to fall asleep any other way. But the only way to help her fall asleep on her own is to at least give the chance to do so.

You might also want to look into sleep training her. Ask your pediatrician if she’s good to go with sleep training (most babies four months old are). While the initial tears can be heartbreaking at first, at least you know that you’re doing away with habits you no longer want to keep doing and setting up new ones that allow her to sleep through the night.

Hi, I just read your article and this is exactly what I do with my 4month old since birth. I just thought it was common sense! I’m a first time mom and never thought my instincts were going to be wrong so I followed them. Even my mother was in awe when I told her what I was doing to help my daughter to learn to fall asleep at night. Like you said some nights and days can be difficult and you might have to nurse to sleep, but is not all the time. I really like how you explained the process, and I agree with you 100% that this works. I’m always so surprised in how many parents disregard so quickly the amazing abilities their babies have. Our babies are resilient little humans that don’t have much reference on this world and that is to theirs and ours advantage.

I’m so glad you can relate to the article! Yes, sometimes we do have to resort to helping them sleep, especially in the earlier months, but we also have to believe that they can do it! How our kids end up falling asleep is usually a result of the habits and patterns we’ve been establishing for them.

Thank you so much for this! My friend sent it to me when I asked her for advice and it’s been a real help.
Despite best intentions I think my daughter has developed a food sleep association because sleeping at night and getting her to nap all went out the window when she hit 4 months. She went from sleeping 8 hours, waking for a short feed and going back to sleep and being alright with naps, not always great, to not napping and waking lots at night. So we got to a point where we wanted her to sleep and feeding did it.
I did some research and everything said ‘your baby needs to go to sleep themselves’. This was so frustrating because she did it every night at bedtime so I knew she could do it. So I kept pushing her to do it during the day and I think I was pushing too hard.
Your article seemed much more positive than others and really gave me the confidence that I could get rid of this association. I saw that I was pushing her too hard and that I needed to let her try but not force her. Having someone say ‘let them have a go but help them if they need it’ was so much better.
We’re only on day 2 but so far so good. With some crying, she put herself to sleep for 2 out of 3 naps yesterday and she slept really well last night. She is currently having a nap where she soothed herself and I didn’t need to go and calm her down at all. Fingers crossed it continues.
Thank you again!

I’m so happy to hear that, Kat! I really appreciate you sharing your story, especially so that other parents can be inspired. It’s so true that babies especially the younger ones need both the opportunity to self soothe as well as our support in case it gets too hard for them. Here’s to good sleep habits for your little one! xo, Nina

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