The plot goes like this: Jaguar (Joe Lewis… who?) is alive. He LIVES! He’s basically a lousy James Bond without being cool, good with ladies or having neat gadgets. But, he knows kung fu! Sort of. We never really see that in an impressive manner.

The film begins with Jaguar and his partner driving two different cars real fast. They get to a “monument” and are trying to stop it from blowing up. But, it blows up. Jaguar is knocked unconscious, partner is dead, explosions, guns, etc.

Jaguar wakes up and decides he’s gonna fight drug dealers and bad guys the world over.

One of these villains is Donald Pleasance. Pleasance is incredible in this role. He’s a dictator who makes headstones for the people he kills. He’s like a lame Castro or something. Anyway, he cries when there is gunfire, makes homophobic comments and delivers every line like he’s got half a ham sandwich in his mouth.

Somehow Jaguar makes it to someplace where he has to fight a bunch of people as a “trial of strength.” I didn’t catch why or how he got there.

Then, Sir Christopher Lee shows up.

The entrance of Christopher Lee is as good as can be expected. Lee steals the scene, manages to give heft to lines like, “criminality is never the end, only the means,” and wears a killer sweater.

Then, Jaguar says something stupid like, “this war for justice will never end.” I was horrified. What if this movie never ended?!? I kept hoping Lee would just stab him in the belly.

Jaguar’s partner shows up. What?!?! How could he not be dead?!? What about his son? (Who? He has a son? We weren’t told that).

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I am the terror that flaps in the night, I am the batteries that are not included. I am the wrong number that wakes you at 3am. I am a special news bulletin that interrupts your favorite show. I am the surprise in your cereal box.