HOW-TO KIT FOR WRITING THE BLUES

2. “I got a good woman,” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line, like “I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.Then find something that rhymes …sort of: “Got a good woman…with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound.”

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: you stuck in a ditch, ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or anyplace in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot.You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willi e
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make yer own Blues name (starter kit):

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc)
c. last name of U.S. President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

20. I don’t care how tragic your life is: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it — with fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don’t care.