Verbolatry Laugh-a-Riot Contest 2016

Updated! Winner of the Verbolatry Laugh-a-Riot Contest 2016 FREE category announced!Monica Graff wins for her essay The Doubts at the Door. Congratulations Ian!This is what the judges had to say about Monica's submission:"Talking to your characters or your fears is a fairly common idea, but this version is very nicely done. It's well written and gets the concept across in a piece that actually has a beginning, middle and end."For all the humour writers out there, here're some general comments from our judges to nail that humour:"1. Remember to write a great opening paragraph that is also funny so that the reader is not only engaged, she is clear of the tone of the piece.2. With comedy, make sure to close with a big laugh.3. Keep in mind some of the basic rules of comedy to boost the funny. For example, the K Rule, the list of three, comparison jokes and definition jokes."Here's the winning piece:

The Doubts at the Door

by Monica Graff

Just before daybreak the Doubts came for a visit. Unannounced as usual, they pounded at my door.

“Go away!” I yelled.

But they didn’t. Instead, they waltzed right in and stood at the very foot of my bed.

“What do you want this time?” I asked.

Mr Doubt, fat and grumpy in a long wool coat, said, “We want to know how you’re going to write about a town you still live in. You’ve become some sort of mole.”

“I’m not a spy,” I replied. “I’m just trying to tell a story about a place with interesting characters.”

“You’ll hurt feelings,” said Mrs Doubt, bundled in fur trim and a floppy wool hat. “You’re betraying your neighbors, who have no idea you’re writing these, these tales about them.”

Mr Doubt’s bluster I can handle, but Mrs Doubt always makes me feel like I’ve stepped on a kitten’s head. “I’m not trying to betray them,” I said to her. “How can I tell the story if I don’t tell the whole story?”

Mr Doubt started to answer, but I kept on before he could interject. “I know you insist their stories are not mine to tell. But if I don’t write them, who will?”

“It’s gossip,” said Mr Doubt.

“It’s not nice,” said Mrs Doubt.

I pulled the covers from my head and sat up. “Look, I’m not going to malign these folks. I plan to focus on my experience. But these characters paint a picture of the community, and they’re real, unlike some of us.”

Mr Doubt shook his head. “I suggest you consider what it will be like to live here once everyone finds out you’re a traitor.”

“What if I change all the names? I could even change some details,” I said.

Mrs Doubt looked at Mr Doubt, then at me. “That’s a start.”

“Oh baloney!” said Mr Doubt. “It doesn’t take a genius to figure out you’re talking about this community. And it’s called invasion of privacy.”

“Oh dear,” said Mrs Doubt, with her hand to her mouth. “He’s right. And word travels fast.”

“Fine! I’ll use a pen name.” I grabbed my robe and slippers. I’d just remembered an anecdote to include in my story. “I don’t have time for this. I have work to do. Please, leave!”

Mr and Mrs Doubt shuffled to the door. “You’re wasting your time, you know, writing rigmarole you’ll just have to burn later.”

“Oh, come now,” said Mrs Doubt. “Let her get to work. We can come back later.”

“You bet your sweet bippy we’ll be back later.”

“OK, OK,” I said, pushing them out the door. “Just get out of here.”

I leaned against the door frame and stared at the ceiling until their footsteps faded. “Sheesh,” I whispered. “I’ve got to quit eating onions before bedtime. They give me the strangest dreams.”About the author:Monica Graff spent two decades editing scholarly monographs for university presses before she decided to put down the red pen and pick up the black one. Now she explores the world with her husband and blogs about it on "Postcards from Polebridge." In December she's returning to school, to earn an MFA in Creative Nonfiction at the Vermont College of Fine Arts, which she finds both terrifying and exciting.

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Winner of the Verbolatry Laugh-a-Riot Contest 2016 PAID category announced!Ian Tucker wins for his essay Pride in Creation. Congratulations Ian!This is what the judges had to say about Ian's submission:"Nicely sarcastic. Dryly amusing but that's right for this piece.""This is definitely the gem of the collection. The writer expresses angst and frustration that we have surely all felt with all the conflicting "advice" out there - and in this case does it in a fashion that elevates an experience we have all shared to a statement that is unique to this writer. And I really wanted to read that vampire/puffin story!"For all the humour writers out there, here're some general comments from our judges to nail that humour:"1. Remember to write a great opening paragraph that is also funny so that the reader is not only engaged, she is clear of the tone of the piece.2. With comedy, make sure to close with a big laugh.3. Keep in mind some of the basic rules of comedy to boost the funny. For example, the K Rule, the list of three, comparison jokes and definition jokes."Here's the winning piece:Pride in Creationby Ian TuckerI write a short story. Pride propels me to enter a competition. I discover I have done wrong.
Like the unwary dresser with an unaccustomed jumper, or a horse struggling behind its cart, things have gotten back to front. Competitions, it turns out, have rules. Apparently, I should have read them.But that is not all. There are themes and back issues and styles. There are judges who have read the masters of the art and who have tastes and preferences to respect and reflect.Unfortunately, a few background checks indicate that the judges will probably recognise pap.
There is a distinct possibility my story is pap.I reassess whether I was right to ignore the "local writer's group" because of the apostrophe in their advert. I regret finding the Tilebury Short Story Anthology (#7) boring. I wish I'd got around to understanding metaphor and allegory.
Maybe I should have tried to emulate a famous short-story-wright? I dredge memories for names like Stephen King, Poe, Ray Bradbury and that bloke who wrote about Tobermory the cat. I can't, however, recall any living specialists. I begin to doubt I am embodying the zeitgeist. Like the little piggy who built his house on sand, I sense adverse winds and worry about my foundations. I do some belated research. I giggle on discovering how much advice I've ignored.Apparently I should have read widely, written daily, attended book-fairs, obtained a mentor and had a lifelong determination to work in publishing. I should have done an arts degree and shown. I should not have told. Importantly, I should not have an MA in creative writing because that corrupts creativity. I learn that creativity is all important provided it is presented in a standard font. Also, Stephen King is still alive.I am intimidated and marbled with doubt.I revisit my story. A critic might criticise. It is not obvious that I have spoken powerful truths lightly. I have also, arguably, not plumbed the truth of contemporary hypocrisy without using adverbs. A vampire who turns into a puffin rather than a bat no longer seems quite so inspired as the story's core. I should, perhaps, have chosen a weightier topic. Like loss perhaps, or heartbreak or chocolate.And I should have killed my darlings.This is where I rebel. I like my darlings. My darlings were mostly the reason I wrote the story. If competition credibility requires their sacrifice, I choose not to compete. It is a matter of principle. I feel better and morally impregnable.Even though my story would undoubtedly have won, I decide to keep it to myself. In three months I'll pretend to edit it so I can secretly laugh at my own jokes. No one will know. Oh god! All that effort and no one will ever know.But at least I didn't do an MA in creative writing. I have that to cling to. About the author:Ian writes for entertainment and his own amusement. He tries to write crime, fantastic fables for adult dreamers and horror although most of his stories are at least tinged with farce. His website www.tilebury.com is populated with a decade of light relief from his day job and a good deal of dry humour. He's also rather fond of cartoons and wishes he could draw.

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Judging for our very first writing-related humour contest is now complete.

The wait is nearly over. Our awesome judges have given their verdict and the scores have been tallied. Thank you to everyone who participated, whether as an entrant, promoter, sponsor or judge. You're fabulous. Your interest means there's hope and encouragement out there for writers and artists to continue creating good works in good humour!

For a new unestablished contest of this niche, we were delighted with its reach and volume.We received a total of 80 entries. It was fun reading them and many made us chuckle! Of those that qualified, the following is the shortlist in alphabetic order of title:

Category: FREE

Buttering-Up Can Leave Egg On Your Face by Dina LeacockLiterary Evening Turns Bad by Angela WrightStream of Consciousness Nonsense by Janice AbelThe Cat-A-List by Anthony WobbeThe Doubts at the Door by Monica GraffThe Front Line of Writing by Emily WoodWriters Who Read by Ernad Osmic

Category: PAID

Being a Writer by John DilworthNew Balls, Please! by Rosemary HillyardPress Play by Marjorie Sato-BukowskiPride in Creation by Ian Tucker... and a special mention to Geek Muses by Carmen Welsh for being the only cartoon submitted.

Congratulations to the shortlisters and well done! Your work was cream of the crop and it was a close fight to the finish.

We know you're eagerly awaiting the results, so sit tight, stay tuned and watch this space. If you're a Verbolatry subscriber, our newsletter issues next month will announce the winners and present the winning entries. You can subscribe here.Let the party begin!

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This contest is now closed. The shortlist has been announced. Thanks to everyone who got involved. You people rock!

Send us your funnies about writing and win cash prizes!

Judges

They say a contest is only as good as its judges. By that account, we rock! For our debut year, we've managed to bag ourselves three terrific titans of the writing industry:

Sponsors

We are grateful for the support and generosity of our brilliant sponsors. With products and services catering specifically to writers and artists, they are uniquely positioned to help build your success.Explore their offerings to see how you can benefit.

Note the email address used to make the payment in order to link your payment to your entryTell us where you heard about this contest (Our charismatic promoters)

Send payment and entry to: v3rbolatry(at)gmail(dot)com

"Early Bird" submission period*: 1 April 2016 to 31 July 2016Last date: 31 August 2016 THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED.

Results announced: October 2016 newsletters

You will be subscribed to the newsletter when you participate in the contest, although you can unsubscribe at any time.

By entering the contest, you guarantee that you are the author of the work.

Winners will be contacted via email.

If your entry wins or is shortlisted, you grant us first electronic rights and non-exclusive electronic archival rights. Winning and shortlisted entries will be published on the Verbolatry website and in the Verbolatry newsletter, which is then archived in its entirety.

There is only one prize for each category regardless of the type of entry submitted.

Payment of the prize will be made within 30 days of publication.

If multiple entries are submitted by a single author in the FREE category, only the first will be accepted.

Entries sent by post will be discarded without consideration.

Entries that don't follow these rules will be discarded without consideration.

Entry fee is non-refundable.

If your piece gets accepted for publication elsewhere, you must inform us promptly so that we can withdraw it from consideration.

(Void where prohibited. You are responsible for managing your tax implications. PayPal may charge some small fee over which we have no control.)

Good luck!

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Information in this section forms part of the contest rules.

Why have this contest?

1. We think the adventures of the charming Debora and her incorrigible Pen deserve to be told to the teeming masses of the writing/publishing industry. Everyone can do with a good laugh. We hope this contest raises the profile of Verbolatry newsletter and gets us more subscribers. And with our anniversary coming up, what better way to celebrate than by asking you to join in?!

2. Humour writing is our thing. Humour about writing even more so. We've found that this niche is sadly under-represented and under-appreciated in the current literary scene out there, so we'd like this contest to fill that void. We hope entrants will feel empowered and encouraged to keep on writing.If you're associated in any way with this industry, we bet you have a funny story to share!How can you compare cartoons with essays?

The same way you can compare apples with oranges and decide that just then what you'd really like to eat is an apple, not an orange. All judging is subjective in all contests. If it were an exact science, everybody would win. We like what we like, and we'll know it when we see it!What are the judging criteria?

Judging is point-based. Points will be awarded for originality and uniqueness of idea, its funny quotient, and quality of writing/art. One bonus point will be given to entries that are submitted early. Normal contest etiquette applies. (This means the judges' decisions are final. No arguing over why a piece was chosen or not chosen. There is expectation of courteous communication by both sides. We trust you to verify your own eligibility to the contest and you remain liable for any consequences if you don't.)How long will the shortlist be?No less than five and no more than eight entries, per category.What happens if there's a tie?To be announced.* Why do early birds get a benefit?For balance of volume. Contests get many last-minute entries. If we get a flood of late submissions, we may get overwhelmed and results may be delayed. That would make us cranky. So we encourage early submissions to maintain a nice steady flow of entries. Seriously, you don't want to make us cranky. It's not pretty.Hey, wait. I know you people. We're friends. We chat often. Do I get the inside track on the contest? *nudge* *wink*We're friends, you say? Well, don't worry, we won't hold that against you! On the other hand, it won't earn you any favours either.

I am an editor/publisher/cover designer/book agent/retired grandma who's just discovered this thing called Internet/an inhabitant of Antarctica. Can I participate?Yes! All are welcome, as long as they can meet the requirements above. Competition is fierce. You are pitting your work against strong contenders, many of whom have years of experience in the industry. So make sure you bring your A-game. (Hang on, you really live at the science stations on Antarctica? Cool, please spread the word there, too. Unless you're a penguin.)Can I collaborate with a friend and submit a joint entry?No. Each entry must have only one author.Can I enter a poem/novel excerpt/screen play/photograph/podcast/anything other than cartoon or essay?Sorry, no.Will my entry be acknowledged?In a way. You will be subscribed to the newsletter, which is emailed twice a month. So if you've received an issue of the newsletter, we've received your entry to the contest. If you don't receive an issue within a month of sending your entry, please contact us.

Why are you subscribing me to your newsletter?

Increasing our readership is one of the objectives of this contest. You are under no obligation to remain subscribed. We do hope, though, that you'll hang around to enjoy the newsletter, because, hello? Cartoons! A 20-second fun read in your inbox every fifteen days! What's to not like?!What if I am already a subscriber?Then we love you, and you rise to the top of our favourite persons' list. Fear not, you won't be signed up twice, but you also won't get any preferential treatment as far as this contest goes. Perhaps we can schmooze over a coffee later? Sucks, we know, but we're painfully unbiased here.What do you mean by 'previously unpublished'? Does my blog post/facebook update/twitter tweet count?Afraid not. If it's been published in a blog, book, magazine, website, anthology, CD, chat room, writers' forum or even critique group, it does not qualify. If it's still in your little black diary at home buried under clothes and last night's dinner in a corner of your desk drawer, and nobody other than your mum has set eyes on it, it's probably okay to submit.Why aren't you accepting reprints? Won't that increase your subscriber numbers?It will. However, we want this contest to be a level playing field for everyone. We want to encourage you to create something brand new! The contest focus is broad enough to allow plenty of latitude for ideas, yet narrow enough to direct and channel your creativity. If your work has been previously published five times, or fifteen, it's probably good, and you should be proud. Now let's give everyone a chance to shine.I found I made a mistake in my entry, but I've already submitted it. Can I send in a correction, revision or updated version?No. All submissions are final.

What happens to my entry after the contest?If your entry gets shortlisted or wins, we ask for publication rights as above. If your entry doesn't make the cut this time, then nothing, you can treat it as before. You don't lose any rights.Do you accept cheques or direct bank funds transfers?

No.

Must I provide my real name?

Yes.

Can I send my entry by post?

You're kidding, right? Good one! A sense of humour is exactly what we'd like to see; you should send in an entry!I love your FAQs! Can I copy them and use them on my website/competition?We're flattered, but no, thanks. In fact, why settle for imitation when you can get the real thing? Hire us and we'll manage your contest or write copy for you which is as scintillating or even better. Our rates are very modest. In fact, they are so shy and retiring, you'll have to contact us to get a peek at them. Go on, we'll wait.Still have a question we've not already answered? Feel free to ask us at v3rbolatry(at)gmail(dot)com.

Dear Sandra R,The prize in the free category is £50. The prize in the paid category is £100. Therefore, an entrant can potentially win a total of £150 altogether. I've clarified that in the side bar announcement now. I hope you will consider participating!Best wishes,Devyani Borade

To all you latecomers who're cutting it too close to the deadline: Just a heads up as we go into the final weeks of the contest. We have received very few entries in the PAID category so far, so if you take a chance with a fiver or tenner, you could scoop up a neat little profit of £90-£95 if you win. Not bad for the price of an icecream tub!

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Verbolatry Laugh-a-Riot Contest 2016

Who...?

Devyani Borade is a professional writer and cartoonist, who has much to say about life, laughter and literature. Her fiction, nonfiction and art have appeared in magazines across the world. She likes to eat chocolates, read comic books and try her husband's patience!
Contact her on v3rbolatry(at)gmail(dot)com for assignments, comments or just to say hello. She doesn't bite, promise.

Debora, the artist

Debora is an artist herself, so she appreciates the photographs at Shivani Rohatgi's blog Yours Picturesquely.

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Debora always reads the fine print

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NOTE: The snippets of feedback/comments shown under each post are not endorsements. They are simply intended to highlight the story's positive aspects which have been appreciated by various editors of various magazines.

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I own copyright of all content on this website. By requesting to read an article, you agree that you are using it only for personal viewing and will not reproduce it or distribute it in any medium without my prior permission. You have no rights to the article in any way or form.

The articles that have appeared in online e-zines are available to read free of charge on the respective websites of the publications. However, the advantages of purchasing an article directly from this website are many:

1. Each article costs only 99p to read.

2. You get to read the original article instead of the edited piece that was published in the magazine. This will give you a feel of the original language, style and voice without restrictions of publication style, issue themes or possible editorial prejudice.

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4. The article is in a safe and accessible pdf format, and well presented. Most articles contain a fun cartoon featuring Debora, the mascot of Verbolatry. And who can resist her?! :-)

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