British Gas confirms commitment to lower carbon emissions

British Gas, today, gave details of their continuing battle to reduce greenhouse gases and subsequent potentially disastrous climate change by disincentivising energy consumption. A spokesman explained that this will, “Unfortunately and regretfully involve an 18% increase in gas prices and 16% for electricity, which naturally means a 34% increment for dual fuel customers.”

He went on to deny that the well above inflation increases were just a way of making excess profits.” In fact our tariffs are so incomprehensible we have no way of knowing whether or not we make any money at all.” He insisted. “The increases have been forced on us in order to meet U.K. targets, laid down in E.U. directives, to halt a climate-wide catastrophe. We are hoping that these and future measures will reduce the wasteful use of our precious natural resources, particularly among the most profligate. That is the elderly.”

“Have you been to an old person’s house lately? he added “They keep them far too hot for comfort. I went to see my grandmother recently and she had the central heating on full, in the middle of March! I would have stayed for twenty minutes but had to leave after ten. Otherwise I could well have dozed off and been there half the afternoon.

We all need to adjust to a slight reduction of heat in our lives and there is an urgent need for the more senior members of our population to bite the bullet and turn the thermostat down a notch or two. Our aim is to reduce the temperature of everyone over the age of 65 by 38C before the end of 2015.