Coast to Coast 2003

David Stevenson

Well, the huge crowds have come back down the Col de
Steroids, the last of the metal barriers have been put back on the
flatbeds, the kilometre markers have been deflated and the Municipal
litter pickers are out under arc lights on overtime - oops, sorry,
that's the Stamford to Scunthorpe stage of the Tour de France
(took a wrong turn there somewhere, boys). This year's Coast to
Coast was the biggest entry yet with 40 masochists volunteering for the
suggested punishment. There were some regulars: Martin and Sharon
Wikner, who last year made the crossing as part of Martin's End-to-End
Run, were back, both this time on 1972 Puch Maxis. John Bailey
was present and correct on a Honda Express with the clockwork starting
mechanism. The irrepressible Frank Brzeski was powering-on on a
Power-Pak. Andrew Pattle was succeeding for the third or fourth
year in a row to cross without any major traumas. From the
organisers: Stephen Smith and Sheila Brown were cheating on a couple of
almost new Piaggio Zips while Chairman Casper cocked a snook at the
whole notion of cyclemotoring by riding his absolutely delicious Honda
Dream 50 (a double overheard cam shopper's bike).

"...the irrepressible Frank Brzeski powering-on on a Power-Pak."

The biggest surprises were:
a.) Apart from a short burst on Sunday morning it hardly rained at all
and
b.) The number of new suckers, I mean participants, who had been
attracted to the run.
David had introduced a team element. Teams included 'Duff' (not
sure whether this referred to Homer Simpson's favourite beverage, the
state of the machines or the mental abilities of the riders. In
the latter case it should surely have been 'Duffers'), Black Widows
(all of whom were Caucasian men), the Shires, the Shroppies, two Last
of the Summer Wine groups (obviously devotees of cable TV), Blue Max
and the mysterious 'Zubi-Ondo'. In addition the Sports Moped Club
started with the run on the Saturday morning doing a two-way dash that
took them to Whitehaven and back to Hartlepool over the weekend.
As Dean Fielder, owner of Fielder's Motorcycles in Goole, a very honest
man, said, the Fantic of brother Brent and the Garelli of their
companion Paul Simcox were extremely presentable. This was in
marked contrast to his own Yamaha. As the motor cycle mechanic of
the group it was inevitable that his bike would look like it had been
ridden and maintained by a thirteen year old with behavioural
difficulties before being buried in a storm drain for twelve
months. Actually that's an exaggeration, it didn't really look
like it had been under water for more than six weeks. Anyway the
three machines were spotted going eastwards on Sunday morning at a very
respectable pace.

Heroes included John Hughes who, snappily dressed in fresh breeches,
broke one Cyclemaster at the starting car park and then proceeded to
cannibalise it en route to keep a second running. His
friend Myra cheerfully carried the sacrificial Cyclemaster round on the
back of the car and, as enthusiasm took its hold, was to be found on
the second day grovelling in the dust besides John wrestling with
blackened segments of mechanical inadequacy. Gareth Clark
inexorably wound up in Whitehaven on the VéloSoleX, while Frank
insisted on taking a couple of detours to make the 70 miles a day more
of a challenge. Peter Morton rode the first day on an American
built, one might almost say 'home-built', Honda 35cc industrial-engined
mountain bike. There were two notable features, firstly, although
the set up appeared rather crude, under power the bike fairly steamed
along and would climb hills and secondly, because it was so easy to
ride, Peter insisted on riding it the first 50 miles or so with the
engine turned off. We were a little short on lady riders this
year with the third of the trio being Joyce Downing of Telford who
shared a 1978 Mobylette Majorette with Alan Redgrave. The Maths
Adviser, incidentally, who usually graces the run with her presence,
had broken an arm and a leg in a tumble off her Piaggio Zip.
Fortunately, while she spent a fortnight in hospital, the bike was
hardly scratched and was ridden in the event by her son. We wish
her a speedy recovery.

Most popular machine of the traverse was the New Hudson autocycle in
all three forms, with Junior de-luxe engine, with "straight-frame" and
the later Villiers 2F engine and with the 'S' frame. The rumour
was that the group of four who travelled together had been sponsored by
the North Pennine Tourist Board to provide grockle interest.
Every twenty miles or so they would dismantle the oldest machine, a
1947 model belonging to Andrew Speak, whether it needed it or not, and
then form a perfect tableaux by the roadside entitled "endearing local
characters service their spavined steeds". Passing motorists
would hoot and wave and weakened by the nostalgia for traditional
values awakened in their cholesterol infested hearts proceed to the
nearest visitor centre to buy sacks full of knitted souvenir items
possessing all the stylistic glee of a Cumberland sausage.

"...endearing local characters service their spavined steeds."

Marcus Allard nearly became the first person to do the run on a
suitably elderly and under-powered mini-scooter. He assured me
that by 1966, when his bike was produced, it was no longer called a
Triumph Tina. Reflecting Harold Wilson's "white heat of
technology" speech the Coventry Company had dropped names in favour of
simple initials and numbers. The Thunderbird became the T100 and
would do the ton. The Bonneville became the T120 with a top speed
of... you're getting the hang of this aren't you? And the
Triumph Tina became the T10 with a top speed of... The Tina left
its ungrateful owner stranded by Bassenthwaite Lake and served him
right. Rob Brown blatantly cheated on a BSA Bantam which started
first kick and ran well both days. Someone lend that man a
clutchless RM1 for next year. Perhaps the most interesting and
unusual bike was the 1962 HMW Supersport ridden by Richard
Hanson. He was, however, consistently rude about it and was lucky
it didn't dump him by the side of Bassenthwaite Lake to join the
hapless Marcus.

David had asked me to present a 'team prize', but when you come down
to it, it's difficult to differentiate between teams. Prizes
therefore went to the riders of the three feeblest machines to complete
the run: John Hughes (Cyclemaster), Gareth Clark (VéloSoleX
3800) and Frank Brzeski (Power Pak). Peter Morton had ridden back
to the North East on the Sunday morning. The fourth bottle of
beer went to Marcus Allard because he was going to be the first person
to etc. By the time he arrived towing the Tina on a trailer other
potential prize-winners had disappeared so he got the award anyway for
being a thoroughly good egg, a fantastic tryer, being made of the right
stuff and just generally doing that very British thing - FAILING.

David Casper and I would like to thank everyone for coming along,
including Karl Heim who followed the route in his magnificent 1929
Model A Ford. At Whitehaven as the successful entrants
drifted in looking a little weary and drawn, a small group gathered
assuring us they would see us again next year. A plaintive voice
from the back muttered "You'll never see me again, I'm going to scrap
it!" That is not the spirit that built the British Empire or the
All-Aluminium Automatic No-Smoke One Handed Picnic Egg Poacher (Patent
Pending). See all of you again next year, including you
snivelling at the back. You know who you are.