9 Things You Don't Give a F*ck About Once You're a Mom

1. Being late. Before having kids, you were always on time. But after a few futile attempts to be on time to a 10 a.m. brunch reservation with a screaming baby in tow, you embrace the lateness. You give up eating establishments with tablecloths and strict arrival times in favor of places where you serve your own soda and can sit wherever the hell you want. Hello, Chipotle! You're on your kid's time now and his sense of timing is terrible. Good luck making it to music class before it's over, your kid wants to watch more Elmo!

2. Ditching friends you don't like. It's hard enough finding time to go to the gym or get a pedicure. There's no way in hell you're going to block off a precious hour to have drinks with that girl from college you never really liked. Before parenthood, you might stomach it (she has an expense account and always pays for the margaritas), but now you don't want to waste your evening hearing about her latest terrible boyfriend (the margaritas aren't worth the time you will never get back). You have to take a carefully lit Instagram picture of the labor-intensive bento box lunch you just made for your toddler.

3. Drinking alone. You finally understand why your parents' liquor cabinet was always stocked. Having a girls' night out or dinner with your husband is fun, but after a long day of answering "What's that" for the 200th time to a barely verbal baby, all you'll want to do is open a bottle of rosé, turn off your brain, and not talk to anyone. Drinking at home alone is the definition of living your best life. You look forward to the night your partner has to work late, so you can give yourself a manicure and watch Scandal in peace.

Fox

4. Oversharing on social media. You used to make fun of that mom on Facebook who shared too many pics of her sweet little pumpkin in a duck costume (and an Elsa costume, and as baby Elton John. She has 50 Halloween costumes, isn't that so cute?!) And now you've become that mom. But your kid is literally the most amazing child in the world, and everyone wants to know what he ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day, right? It's not like everyone can come over and glance at your floor to find out.

5. Wearing makeup. You still love to look hot AF for date night, but looking good takes time and if it comes down to putting on eyeliner or sleeping in five more minutes, there's no contest. Not wearing mascara on a daily basis doesn't mean you're heading for a "mom makeover" show in 20 years. It just means you don't give a shit about putting forth the effort for the checkout guy at the pharmacy. Also, you might want to sell that hair straightener on eBay. Your once-daily routine of sweating your ass off in a hot bathroom for an hour to tame your wave will become a semi-annual event.

6. Saying no. Having a child has a way of putting everything into laser focus and saying no becomes as easy as bribing your kid with animal crackers. Do you want to drive an hour out of your way to meet me for drinks? No. Can you stay late at work? Nope. You want me to help you move? Hell no (although to be fair, you've probably been good at saying no to that one for a long time). Now, if you could only find a way to say no to your child, you'd really have this mothering thing down.

7. Having a messy house. You still haven't finished your daughter's baby book (she's starting kindergarten next month) let alone had time to scrub your floors. If you were a clean freak before having kids, you'll probably do enough to keep up appearances, but if anyone opens your closets, a pile of dust, cat hair, and empty Diapers.com boxes will attack them. If you have always been a messy person, your walls are most likely spotted in chili from when your mom was in town last year.

NBC

8. Engaging in office drama. You're not there to make friends — you want to get in, get out, and get home. While your coworkers are wrapped up in who Stacy hooked up with last night and the gross sandwich Ted left in the fridge again, all you can think about is being home before your baby girl goes to bed. You're not starring in season 47 of Vanderpump Rules. You'd rather go home and watch it on TV.

9. Being perfect. When you were pregnant, you pinned pictures of perfect nurseries and dreamed of reading Harry Potter to your adorably attentive child while organic sugar-free muffins baked in the oven. It only took five minutes of being a mom to realize that's never going to happen. In reality, you're lucky if you have time to order a pizza and peel an orange (Fruit makes the meal healthy right?) before bedtime. You're not perfect, and you're never gonna be. Guess what? No one is.

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