Friday, October 29, 2010

It's amazing to me the capacity we have as humans to either be extremely selfish, or to deny ourselves to the point of ill health. I have this habit of saying yes to things that I'm not excited about because I want to spend time with someone or because I have some weird brain path that leads me to believe I'll actually enjoy it even though I know I won't. And when I do inevitably listen to myself and say that I can't go or whatever it may happen to be, I feel like an asshole.

What is that? Why do we feel like it's such a bad thing to say, you know what, I'm sorry, but it's better for me not to do this. I know that for me a big part of it is feeling like I'm letting people down. I don't like going back on my word, and even when I'm assured that it's not a big deal or that I'm doing the right thing, I can't trust it. Something in me keeps insisting that I'm an asshole and that I should be doing whatever it is, and it keeps insisting even when the rational part of my brain knows I've done what's best.

I seem to be having trouble with trust at the moment: trusting myself, trusting enough to let go, trusting that it's going to be ok. I know that it will be, and I know that every other experience I've had where I've listened to myself has been positive. I know that. But somehow I don't really believe it. I just keep wondering, is it really ok? Are they mad at me? Is this going to be something that's going to come up days or weeks or months from now and ultimately undo us? Did I just put an expiration date on this?

My whole life I've been second-guessing when I make a call that favors myself, no matter who it involves. Mom, best friend, boyfriend, whomever, I can never seem to justify choosing myself over them, even if that's not actually the situation. Somehow it always comes down to me versus them. That's not ok anymore.

I'm proud that I've gotten to the point where I will listen to myself and actually act on it. I'm lucky that I have people in my life who reinforce how important it is to take time for yourself, to honor your stress, your happiness, your exhaustion; people who recognize when I need that and are never upset with me for taking it. Maybe someday soon, I'll actually believe it.