A former FBI hostage negotiator explains why you want people to tell you 'no' in a negotiation

Obviously, you want a negotiation to end with the other person
agreeing to give you everything you want.

So obviously, the path to that ultimate "yes" is having them
agree to little things along the way — right?

Not quite.

According to Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator and
author of the new book, "Never
Split the Difference," the route to "yes" is in fact paved
with "no."

Voss spent years dealing with terrorists and criminals, and his
new book is filled with insights that apply to everyday
negotiations.

When he visited the Business Insider offices in May, Voss
explained that one of the biggest negotiation mistakes you can
possibly make — whether talking to your spouse, your boss, or
your car salesman — is becoming a "hostage to yes."

In other words, if the only answer you'll accept is "yes," you
could miss out on a lot of opportunities to influence and
persuade your opponent.

When people say "no," "they have a tendency to
relax," Voss said. "They have a tendency to
actually be more open to other questions. So when you wrap your
mind around that, you can actually use 'no' to your advantage."

Chris Voss.Clinton
Brandhagen

Here's how that might work in real life:

Say you're negotiating the terms of a new job. As it stands
currently, you'll be underpaid, you'll be working from a bad
location, and you won't have a lot of authority.

Voss recommends asking the hiring manager (or whoever else is
involved in the negotiation): "Do you want me to fail?"

"That answer's clearly a 'no,'" Voss said. "And now we have to
talk about what the terms are that are necessary for success."

He added: "You'd be stunned at what people are willing to say
'no' to. So questions like that can make a very big difference."

Sure, this subtle strategy takes more patience than asking a
question that draws an immediate "yes." But it could potentially
get you closer to where you want to be in the long run —
surprising both you and your negotiation partner.