Thursday, September 30, 2010

So, you think you can GM? Ya, you and all the guys on Antichambre, the louts in the cheap seats, Jack Todd, H/IO's mouthbreathers, and every Jean, Richard and Henri on the street. You know what? YOU'RE ALL CRAZY. Just like our celebrity guest GM's.

Hello. As you all know, I'm Tom Cruise and you're not. Although Tom Cruise has only seen an ice hockey match on the television, as an achiever of 19th level Dynamics and a Hollywood actor, Tom Cruise has great & true insight into what ails your sagging ice hockey franchise. I understand the fans of your ice hockey organization are growing impatient since it's last victorious ice hockey season. You believe your ice hockey team has been waiting a long time? TRY HAVING YOUR SOUL COOPED UP UNDERNEATH A VOLCANO FOR A TRILLION YEARS. Have your ice hockey team's managers made mistakes? As I said as Mr. Maverick in the blockbuster Top Gun: "This is what I call a target rich environment." Mr. Maverick, I MEAN TOM CRUISE, has your answers.

Your ice hockey team OUGHT TO HAVE TRADED MR. PRICE INSTEAD OF MR. HALAK. Your ice hockey club should have attempted to sign Mr. Halak. As Tom Cruise said as Mr. Jerry Maguire in the modern Hollywood classic of the same name: "Show ME the MONEY!!!!" Tom Cruise knows that acquiesing to Mr. Halak's contract demands would have precluded the signing of a certain Mr. Plekanec. As you know, Tom Cruise has a HUGE fan following on Twitter. Despite the 'twits' of his agent, with patience and perseverance and without the use of prescription medication, your ice hockey team would have signed Mr. Halak for EXACTLY the same price as Mr. Price - AT THAT PRICE, THE PRICE WOULD HAVE BEEN RIGHT - UNLIKE THE PRICE NOW BEING PAID TO MR. PRICE, WHICH PRICE IS WRONG!!!

As Tom Cruise said as Mr. Frank T.J. Mackey in the smash feature film Magnolia: "In this life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve - it's what you take!" Your ice hockey team should have taken Mr. Halak as their starting goalkeeper - no matter the past accomplishments and potential of Mr. Price. What accomplishments? They are extremely limited to championships at every other level - but NOT THE NHL, except for winning that playoff series oh so long ago, a couple of years past. And what potential? Just because every other goalie picked in the top 5 of the NHL entry draft who managed to stay healthy has become a star DOESN'T MEAN MR. PRICE WILL. More importantly, Mr. Price is already a whopping - WHOPPING! - 23 years old, making him only 9 (not 11) years younger than Tom Cruise's captive partner, Ms. Katie Holmes, SO HE CAN'T GET ANY BETTER.

Even worse, your ice hockey team acquired a Dane in the transaction. As Tom Cruise is constantly trying to indoctrinate explain to Ms. Holmes and her young child, DO NOT TRUST A DANE. All of Tom Cruise's Hollywood contracts require that not a single person working with Tom Cruise can be Danish or of Danish ancestry, from fellow actors to non-key grips. That dirty Dane - Tom Cruisie cannot even write the name - may look like he has soft hands, an absolutely incredible skating stride and size lacking down the middle not seen on your ice hockey club for years, but don't be fooled: he's still a dirty Dane and doomed to disaster and ruin. Unike Tom Cruise's recent film work.

It also stands to reason that despite Mr. Halak's playoff run, your ice hockey team would have acquired much more value in a trade for Mr. Price. In fact, it is so reasonable that TOM CRUISE DOES NOT NEED TO EXPLAIN IT.

Also, how could any professional sports team sign an admittedly bald man? Especially when this mane was available.

C. Roster Selections

Tom Cruise believes on a deep spiritual level, and as a result it is true, that your ice hockey club's management has made several outright and egregious errors - EGREGIOUS ERRORS! - it it's selection of players to be demoted. It appears that positions are dependant on previous exploits and contract status rather than actual skill. Not that I have any experience with such things, but that doesn't stop Tom Cruise from being absolutely infallible.

Second, how could your ice hockey team keep [White/Patches/Maxwell] rather than [White/Patches/Maxwell]? It is obvious to anyone who has watched a preseason ice hockey match involving [White/Patches/Maxwell] that he was much better prepared to contribute to your ice hockey club's season than [White/Patches/Maxwell] and that one decision will be the difference between a 14th place finish and a 2nd place finish.

Fifthly, how could a player as reputably talented as Mr. Ovechkin not even earn a pre-season match? I am of course, referring to the famously great Mr. Avtsin, who was HUGE in Moscow - scoring 3 key goals in a notoriously stingy Russian league - not be pampered and handed a roster spot? IT'S WHAT GOOD MANGERS DO WITH TOM CRUISE.

In the third place, just the addition of a Mr. David Fischer to the roster, being the son of Mr. Red, would have instantly catapulted YOUR ice hockey team back into the top of the tables, through sheer spirit and emotional connection to the glory years of yore. EMOTIONAL YORE, TOM CRUISE SAYS, IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS! Emotional yore is what made the Top Gun volleyball scene great. That and Tom Cruise's 3-sock-enhanced package.

Tom Cruise will leave all you ice hockey fans of this great ice hockey team with on final piece of advice, and as I said as Mr. Vincent in the all-time classic, Collateral: "Get with it. Millions of galaxies of hundreds of millions of stars, in a speck on one in a blink. That's us, lost in space. The cop, you, me... Who notices?"

LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE TOM CRUISE HAS SAID AND BELIEVES, THIS QUOTE IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE IF YOU JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.

You have to picture Tom Cruise jumping on a couch the entire time. It really brings the whole thing together.

Seriosuly, though, can we, as a collective fan base, just move from the Halak trade? We'll omly know the real result in 2-3 years, when he see if the Dirty Dane works out and if Price can stay chill and still stop a puck.

In teh meantime, I'm excited to see Eller and White (crosses fingers) and TurtlePleks and Big Tits. Not so sure about CHicken.

Think they'll have a presentation for Gio tonight? Will they bring the torch out of the Canadiens Hall of Fame and pass it around? Or will Gio light the rink on fire (loved that from the playoffs)?

It's another shitty night for a hockey game. The Sabres always bring the rain. It's also another one of those pre-season experimental lineups. Darche-Eller-Kostitsyn? O'Byrne-Henry (aka TOWER OF POWERful turnovers) and Picard-Weber pairings on D. I pity thee, Alex Bauld...

Ah tsn, bringing on your Habs hate early. Yes, we know Tyler Myers is bigger than most Habs forwards. He's bigger than almost all NHL forwards. Habs average size of forwards is bigger than your fucking pathetic leaf. Mention that you fuckers. NB - The stupid size comment was mouth by james duthie who is all of 5'2" and he lifts.

About Four Habs Fans

The Four(-ish) Habs Fans are four(-ish) Habs fans. Three are from Montreal, though one of those is now stuck in the middle of the Red Mile. The other somehow grew up a Habs fan in the middle of Ontario Cottage Country, and now lives in Hogtown. Some of them are lawyers, so they are opinionated, and may or may not be assholes.

HabsFan29 is a lifelong Montrealer who decided the Four Habs Fans' email exchanges about the Habs were just too stupidly amusing and occasionally intelligent not to share with the world. The 29 is for the greatest (only?) Goalie-lawyer-PM candidate ever. He would like his mom to know that his meth habit is overstated on this blog for comedic effect.

HabsFan4 paid tribute to one of the finest gentlemen to ever don a Canadiens sweater. His legacy as one of the pioneers of the Gangsta Rap movement has always been understated. His Jaro posts will be recalled fondly by all.

HabsFanForever33 aka Panger is a Montrealer in Exile currently residing mere blocks from the Red Mile, yet whose passion for all things Canadiens has only embiggened with distance. HFF33 worships at the altar of St. Patrick. Panger still gets chills recalling the moment he met the greatest goal-scorer of all time, The Rocket. HFF33 is a life-long Habs fan, except during the Houle-Tremblay Era, when Le Club de Hockey Canadiens was dead to Panger.

HabsFan10 grew up watching Le Demon Blond on Radio-Canada with his unilingual English Dad in a WASPy little town in Maple Leafs country, at least until the playoffs each year, when he got to hear Danny Gallivan and Dick Irvin because the Leafs played on opposite nights (if they made the playoffs at all). Rick Middleton and Cam Neely sometimes haunt his dreams. He thinks Thurso, Quebec should be declared a national historical site. If you aren't sure what the 10 in HF10 stands for, you're on the wrong site, buster.

All mind-bogglingly warped Photoshop work courtesy the warped mind of GoldenGirl11 a.k.a. LukeyNussbaum11. All stripperrific vision expressed by contributors through Photoshop are solely those of the individual writer and do not reflect the opinions of GG11, a card carrying feminist, although she's sure that they are the opinions of her four sons even if they don't care to admit it.

moeman born in l'Estie'd'Québec, was baptized Maurice because well his Mom, seeing his beautiful dark locks and glaring eyes knew he'd need a namesake, actually it was his Mon Oncle Yvon that CHristened his Habstism, deep in central Ontario no less. He took life's circuitous route and blessed his own son with the name Patrick in 1993. He also has a gorgeous daughter but she's a Sens fan, so, meh. moeman loves women, wine, song, women, Habs, his kids, women, iOS Apps, hockey blogging women and women. His other passion, he hates the leaf. He also loves women.