Monday, January 23, 2012

B and the meltdown that changed everything.

It began like any other day. I woke up at 4 am, stumbled around my room looking for my work clothes and the light switch. I turned on the light and looked in the mirror.

I don't know what some people see when they look in the mirror, but I hated the way that I looked. Every glance was another reason to pick at myself or put myself down. So I learned to avoid doing that. But I didn’t do that on this day. That look in the mirror had a different feel to it. Unbeknownst to me, I managed to become even heavier than I already was. I took a good long look at myself and hated what I saw. A stomach covered in stretch marks. A pair of arms that were sagged and sad. And again, I felt that twinge of self hate.

At that moment I remembered that the most physical thing I'd done up to that point was opening and closing doors. I remembered that the last time I ran without wanting to passing out was over 5 years ago. I was unhealthy and I knew it. But I still wasn't ready to accept the truth. I continued with my normal routine of brushing my hair. After I got dressed I turned off the lights in the bedroom and rushed out of the house.

As my day went on, I couldn't stop kicking myself in the ass for my fatness. I was irritated that I allowed myself to get so heavy. I spent half that day at work still hating myself and wishing to be in skinnier body. I contemplated if the problem was as severe as my mind was making it out to be. Then it happened. I went to go get lunch. As I sat there in front of my food, I could feel the tears coming. "I'm so sick of this." I thought to myself. "What am I doing to myself?"

What I was doing at that particular moment was getting a burrito with sour cream, huge gobs of meat. There was not a healthy thing in that Burrito. I figured it would cheer me up. Not on this day. Burritos have always been my favorite food, and I especially love them when they’re smothered in cheese and some kind of rich sauce. And since I never really learned how to cook at home, eating out became 2nd nature. I usually hit a restaurant everyday on my way home from work. I had dessert every night too. I had huge helpings of cheesecake, pies and ice cream. Everything that's bad for you, I relished. And I was happy to do it. I called it a treat. I don't even think puppies get rewarded as much as I "rewarded" myself for doing things normal adults do.

I was clearly unhappy with body and I’d been that way for awhile. But at that moment, I was more miserable than I’d ever been. Overwhelmed with my own diet failures, I went into a bathroom stall at work and bawled my eyes out. I'm not a crier but I sobbed my eyes out that day.

After I finished feeling sorry for myself, I headed straight to the gym facility at my job. I found a scale and on it for the first time in years. It said I was 250. I hung my head in shame for a little while, but then I held my head up and went back to my desk. "I’ve had absolutely enough of feeling sorry for myself.” I said. "I'm not staying 250 pounds forever."

I went into my cubicle, opened up a webpage, and went to Google. I sat there for hours looking up different exercises. I made a promise to myself during my research. I made a vow to be 70 pounds lighter by January of next year. I will not go to my 29th year at my current weight of 249 pounds. I just can't do it.

Somewhere in the midst of weight loss and the motivation to try to lose weight, I decided that I needed to write about my experiences. My personal blog was not the place where I wanted to get into the seriousness of my weight loss woes. I thought about it for awhile and came to the natural conclusion that a weight loss blog is a necessity for this step in my life. But I also knew that I didn't want write alone. Having support is so vital in the quest to lose weight. That and being alone is boring. Who do you high five when you've lost 5 pounds in a week? The air? Exactly.

I needed people who inspired me to begin my process to stay there with me. I needed to hear their stories and be on the same playing field. I also knew who would be up for the challenge. All the women contributing to this blog are honest and amazing people. I hope you'll be inspired by our stories of trying to lose a few pounds. We're on different paths, but we hope to end up at the same destination: Lighter and happier and without achy knees.

We will all reveal our hurts, hopes and dreams in these entries. I hope you'll stick with us as we get on the path to better health.

18 comments:

I will follow you all along your journey to getting healthy. And, in about 6 months, this will be a great motivator when I need to start shedding all the baby weight I've put on since the birth of my daughter for years ago and the invetibale weight I will put on with baby number 2! I'm excited to see how this blog develops!

This is a good thing you girls are doing here. So many of us have struggled with weight and with the feelings of shame that go with every pound overweight that we are. And you're right, a support system is critical to success. I'm adding this blog to my blogroll, so that when you girls post, I won't miss one! I'm wishing you all the success in the world.

Great post! I had similar moment late last year and got my ass in gear. I took a break over the holidays but I'm back on track and will probably be sharing my journey on my blog. I can't wait to follow along here too!

Thank you all so much for the kind words. This is going to be a good thing for me, and I couldn't be happier to share this blog with such an amazing group of women who, literally, stumbled their way into my life. This is only the beginning!

Good for you, I'm sure you'll achieve the goals you've set for yourself. I have always carried a fair bit of puppy fat around, and guys can be as self concious as ladies when it comes to weight. But focussing on a healthy diet and doing exercise you enjoy is more successful than a mindset of 'I must lose this weight'. If you focus on the healthy living and don't obsess with the weight, weight loss will come naturally.