Friday, November 27, 2009

Black Friday

I realize today has been called Black Friday for a few years but I don’t remember stores marketing the hell out of it like they have this holiday season. "Black Friday" evokes some sort of horrific tragedy, such as a massacre or deadly plague or the end of days. And yet, people are risking exposure to H1N1 and women who will cut you with their coupon if given a chance. Just for the sake of an extra 15-percent off.

Am I the only one who thinks this scenario is absoloonly nuts?

My friend Charyn calls this excruciating day “retail S&M.” If I want a little slap and tickle, I sure as shit am not going to look for it in the aisles of Wal-Mart on Whack Friday. Have you seen what’s lurking there? God invented the Internet so we can avoid hot strip-mall messes and crowded parking lots in favor of leftovers and online shopping. Duh.

While surfing the web, check out one of the websites devoted to Black Buyday and think about all the chumps who are breathing in stale air at the mall.

I have never, ever, ever understood this sale day thing. Never. So, the stores are finally in the black? How much money are they out on extra staff, decorations, marketing, and cleanup? How much gas do I use going from one store to another, how much time of my life is sucked by driving and waiting in lines, how many times has a stranger offended me or injured me? And when it's all done, wouldn't I feel like a major chump? A sheep? A cow? Infected with something? Germ-riddled? Embarrassed? I mean, why do people do this shit? It's the absolute worst of human nature.

On the other hand, the grocery store was a mausoleum today. It was fabulous.

I didn't get up at 2 AM to be standing in line at 3 AM for a store that would open at 5 AM. Noooo! Instead, I slept in, rose when I felt like it, made a pot of coffee, and eventually opened up the computer to look at some of the crap I could have had if I'd been so inclined. And, amazingly enough, there wasn't one single thing I wanted; most of it was stuff I wouldn't buy even if its regular price was half the Super Black Friday Bargain Lollapalooza Deal tally. This is a really good day to stay home, nibble leftovers, catch up on TiVo'd stuff, and doze, far from the sweatsuit-uniformed mobs and their cranky, sleep-deprived children.

Heh ... the Black Friday website encouraged me to add my address to its mailing list. It's as though they suspect a connection between doofusheads who buy into the 5AM TO 11AM ONLY nonsense and weirdos who sign up for spam emails.

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