This not your momma’s polite little garden party crab cake. This crab cakes sits legs splayed in a skirt, puts its cigarette out in your sweet tea, and gives you a snarl.

A note here on making aioli. For the love of all things holy, follow the instructions. Your instructions using a whisk? Break that bad boy out. Found instructions for a Vitamix? Use that. I am aioli-retarded and can’t seem to make it – ever – to save my life. Why? Because I don’t listen. I started out this meal’s mayo sojurn with an immersion blender using a recipe written for a whisk-using over-achiever – and made a runny, kinda broken mess. I then Googled ways to fix the mess – and ended up wasting another 2 eggs in the process. I threw the whole batch out, grabbed my Vitamix, Googled Vitamix-specific instructions, and went to town. I waited…