Back in my day, young people had sensible nicknames like “Shorty” or “Red” or “Spanky” and “Buckwheat.” Solid, dependable nicknames that you could count on to see you through the good times and the bad. Nicknames that would last you a lifetime.

But these young people today, they have nicknames like “DXMST,” “DJ Ice Dam” and “Pee Diddly.” God damned ridiculous names that sound like acronyms for the space program, chemical compounds or the tail end of a rude limerick.

Sorry kids but changing your name from Greg to “Tre Fierce” doesn’t make you a gangster or change the fact that you’re a 110 pound lactose intolerant sophomore with acne, no girlfriend and a lateral lisp.