A Canadian man won an all-expenses-paid trip to the Super Bowl from Bud Light Canada, but was turned away by customs agents at the Toronto airport on Thursday because he got busted on a marijuana possession charge in 1981. Personally, I would have denied him entry for wearing the Russell Wilson jersey to the Super Bowl, but my dumb biases are different than the dumb biases of the United States government.

“I had two grams of cannabis. I paid a $50 fine,” Wilkinson told CBC news.

Wilkinson said he was 19 when he was busted.

“I can’t believe that this is happening, for something that happened 32 years ago.”

This story is so American, it makes me wanna make big fake Ray Lewis tears during the Anthem. Let’s recap: Canadian tries to go to the most American spectacle there is and is refused because of the country’s backward drug policies. If only it ended in him dying in a drone attack, it’d be perfect.

If I a Senator, I would open to the Open Mic and go, “The South Border is unguarded, we let people waltz in from Mexico for 20 years only because we can’t decide what to do with them, but we stopped a Canadian from the North was visiting our country because he had pot 32 years ago?! Let’s quit our bitching and fix this f***ing problem!” (drops the mic on the ground “Pipe Bomb” style and walks out of the Senate Floor)

Snippet:
As America remains embroiled in conflict overseas, a less visible war is taking place at home, costing countless lives, destroying families, and inflicting untold damage on future generations of Americans. Over forty years, the War on Drugs has accounted for more than 45 million arrests, made America the world’s largest jailer, and damaged poor communities at home and abroad. Yet for all that, drugs are cheaper, purer, and more available today than ever before. Filmed in more than twenty states, The House I Live In captures heart-wrenching stories from individuals at all levels of America’s War on Drugs.

There’s more to this story. Down here in America’s Wang we have more Canuckistanis in town this time of year than in all of, of, um, is Manitoba a state? Anyway, the way they drive I sort of assume they’re high right now.