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Monday, December 21, 2009

Robert Pattinson's...Twin?! Methinks Not!

Me: Hey, Snarkier Than You, I've got the coals! Do you have the lighter fluid?STY: Yup! Pour those coals right here and we'll wait until they get nice and hot...Me: Awesome! [Hands STY a rake] You ready?STY: You bet I am. Bring it on!

Sometimes we come across things that are "funny ha-ha." Other times we come across things that are "funny what-the-fuck?" This time, we've come across something that is "funny is-this-fucking-guy-for-real?!" I debated even doing this but... it has to be done. Sure, it's Christmas time and everyone's supposed to be all peace-on-earth-&-good-will-to-all-men and all that stuff. And we are. But we are making an exception...

To begin, let me clarify a point that will be important momentarily by stating the obvious: this is Robert Pattinson:

Lllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadies...

I mean, really, I don't need to tell you who this guy is! I'm pretty sure most of you close your eyes and see that chiseled jaw, that sexily mussed hair, and those come-hither eyes. Oh lawd, Robert Pattinson is sexy.

However, we've recently stumbled upon someone who not only claims to look like Robert Pattinson but... are you ready?... actually thinks he's better looking than RPattz.

We'll give you a few minutes to let that sink in. It's okay if you need a little time wrap your head around this nonsense. We understand - we'll wait.

Now, I still suspect this is a joke but, as STY pointed out, anyone saying “ I look like this person only better” when the person in question is like the hottest human alive is asking for it. And he's gonna get it.

Ooooh yeah, he's gonna get it.

Folks, meet the dude who is billing himself as "Robert Patterson's [sic] twin" -

Contemplating his next victim...

Just wait the world will know me soon[Is that TOILET bowl cleaner behind him? Really? And did he steal Bella's bracelets?]

We didn't caption or title these photos, either [though we did leave our two cents in brackets]. We didn't have to - he's already done it for us. That's right: they're aaaaaaall him. And by "him," I mean "Robert Patterson's" egotistical, delusional [non]twin.

We're not including the link back to him here just in case he's tougher than he looks and comes after us...and also because even though we are skewering this guy, we don't want to actually psychologically maim any "Robert-Patterson-twins" in the making of this post. But after STY sent the link to me earlier today, I actually stared at these pictures for a good 45 seconds, stunned by the audacity of this guy.

And then I totally peed myself laughing.

I'm not sure what's bigger on this dude. His balls or his ego.

In The Woods

Fast as lighting.["Fast as lighting"??? Nightlight? Flashlight? Indoor/outdoor x-mas light? And just how fast is 'lighting'?]

First of all, let me point out a few things about "Robert Patterson's Twin." If you think that you're the doppelganger of a famous actor, not to mention one who is currently SO hot that mere mortal women and their undergarments burst into flames at the sight of him, don't you think you would want to, I don't know, get his fucking name right? It's Pattinson, not Patterson, numnuts. Now, maybe you ARE trying to pull off being Robert Patterson's twin but I have no fucking clue who that guy is and the fact that you're wearing outfits that our favorite sparkly vampy brooder was wearing I'm going to go ahead and say... epic fail on the name, dude.

Secondly, not to point out the obvious here, but this fella does not look like Robert Pattinson. At. All. Not even after a pint of whiskey and some fucking peyote will this guy look like RPattz's twin. I'll go out on a limb and say that maybe, if I squint, there are some similarities. But no, twin of the Precious you are not.

Now, back to his balls. Or ego.

Remember how I mentioned earlier that the captions and titles of all the photos belong to Robert Patterson's Twin [RPT from here on out. I'm lazy]?

Robert Patterson Look Alike

Imagine what Robert Patterson would look like if he was perfect

I am not making this up, that's really what how he captioned this photo. Slut's honor. So, not only does RPT think he's RPattz's twin, he thinks he's the better looking of the two! I think if you look up "delusional narcissist" in the dictionary this picture is right next to it.

[Okay, this picture is just screaming "loooook at meeeeeeee!! LOOOOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"]

Hey, listen, I'm not exactly smoking hot. In fact, I generally tend to slide down to the "cute" end of the scale, along with fucking puppies and shit but I also don't go around posting my picture up on the internet and boasting about how fuckhawt I am. This guy did. Which is why we feel the need to single him out for a good ol' Twitarded roasting.

Want more? Honestly, I think the captions are the icing on the, um, cake.

New Moon in the Moonlight

Imagine Robert Patterson but better looking

Uh huh. Suuuuuuure you are. Oh, btw, RPT have we introduced you to our the bad vampire? I'm sure you two could spend hours together, talking about how hot, fabulous, and godlike you both are...

91 comments:

You seriously, have GOT to be kidding me! I haven't laughed that hard in a while. He looks more like Clay Aiken in the face...SO the exact opposite Rpattz! And it's got to be his ego..there's just no way anything could be bigger - he's NOT his twin afterall...Un-freakin-believe-able! What a dillweed.

Thanks for digging this shit up for us - too funny!! My fav is the pic of RPT sittin there with his bottle of toilet bowl cleaner. So he was either cleaning his own bowl or perhaps on the job somewhere, when he got distracted by his own reflection and felt the need to strike a pose. Harhar. What a sad sad little man.

No fucking way! What shit is that douche-bag smoking to even think he's the same species as RPattz??? There is nothing even remotely close in appearance to Rob. Clay Aiken, maybe. EWW!! EWW!! EEEEWWWWW!!!

Please, someone pour bleach in my brain! I need to get these nasty-ass images out of my head! You should have put some type of damn disclaimer on them, telling us to view at our own risk! ICK ICK ICK!!!!!

Are you FUCKING SERIOUS? He thinks that if he makes his hair all messy like and gives the camera a brooding stare that he is RPatz?? ON What FUCKING PLANET?? I vote like the rest on The Clay Aiken Look Alike!

Jeez...I thought that the last dude was a girl who looked like a dude....double take! Looking more closely, is he the son of Paul Stanley???....or maybe it's Paul Stanley with even more surgery! Yikes....scary picture....make it go away!

not even beer googles would help this fuckwad. ewwwwwwwwwwwww. fast as lightning- certainly not bright as a lightbulb. this guys elevator does not go to the top floor. and as a professional nurse- he needs to start taking his meds again-STAT. thanks for making me pee myself at work.

I almost woke up my daughter laughing so hard. (And uh - no, RPT I'm not laughing WITH you.) Clay Aiken's more contemporary but I immediately thought one of the Bay City Rollers. You know, the homely one... oh, wait... that didn't help did it?

JJ and STY stop it - stop it right now!!! I will not have to telling the world that my boyfriend Robert Patterson twin is not hotter than RPattz. That's it ladies I'm officially so upset with the both of you I don't know what I'm going to do.

See that little rant was a delusional as that guy's brain. I mean I'm not all over RPattz's ball sac, even though that pic in this post made my vagina cry for some attention. I do fully realize that guy is wacko-jacko.

Ok...he can say he's better looking....when the world regards retarded little douche bag dwarfs with narcissistic tendencies, a 2-yr old condom in his wallet and his moms Hyundai he drives to the community college, sexier than the tall, statuesque, perfectly chiseled, shy, humble, talented, virile, millionaire Rob Pattinson. Can looking at non-twin actually give you a virus? Cuz I think I just got a yeast infection, fucker!

Ok, so I may know what happened here. He hasn't actually seen any pics of RPattz, just the bad tattoo pic.

And from everyone's comments (which made me laugh as hard as the pics and JJ's words) I think he obviously does have a potential lookalike career, he just needs steering in the right direction. I think it's a shame for him he wasn't born 40yrs earlier because he could certainly carve a career as a slightly dodgy David Cassidy lookey-likey.

And the bad vamp - WTF? That was obv from my pre-Twitarded days when my life was def not as sunny.

bahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How do you guys find this hilarious shit????? The best part of all of this, is that this guy is friggin serious! OMR.....dude, not even close! Thanks for making me pee my pants at 7 a.m......you made my day! LMAO!

Will I get in trouble for posting this?? It only links to the pictures and not his webpage (you can take it down if you want), but that picture of him with the cat is the best one yet!!!!!! http://www.flickr.com/photos/robertpattersonlookalike

Ok, so my 4yr old just came up while I was looking at the flickr stream and asked if that's the real Rob. I'm going to hope it was the clothes that were the trigger because I really don't want to have to cast him out of the family this close to Christmas.

What a good laugh. How on earth did you find this? But no - seriously - surely the guy isn't serious and just wanted to poke fun at himself doing a little parody. Pleaaaase tell me it's just this. Being self-deprecating is the mark of clever people (look at The Precious - doing it all the time). So I'll yield to the forgiving Christmas spirit and be willing to believe it's just this - a guy doing a funny prank. Because if he's serious and ever comes across Twitarded he's going to have a heart attack.

BAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Not even when RPatz has his greasy hair, unibrow, and grizzly adams beard, and his very uhm...interesting wool hippy like beenie will this douche bag EVER be hotter than Robert Pattinson!! I am surprised his head fit in the frame of the camera. W-O-W!!! LOL! I am almost shocked into silence. HAHA! Almost.

I read this last night, but couldn't pull my shit together enough to comment. I swear to Edward (long may he reign) that I know this guy's twin. He looks EXACTLY like this other douche nozzle that I used to know. They must be related because they are both mentally unstable, at best.

Normally I would be jumping on the bandwagon--who am I kidding, I'd be pulling the wagon, singing loudly & off key--but, I don't believe in making fun of the handicapped. Clearly this man/boy is not well. I think we should help him find work to bolster his obviously waning ego. Do they still make after school specials? I also think he would be amazing in one of those "This is your brain on drugs" commercials. He could single-handedly win the war on drugs.

OMG you can't even drink him pretty! Really? I am just in shock how in the bloody h could he even think he compares. I agree this man child is not well. He is the reason that certain individuals should think long and hard before procreation.

@Rob's Bitch - oh that's too funny. Reminds me of an old movie called "Twins". One twin was Arnold Schwartzeneggar (pre-political career, in the middle of his bodybuilding years) and the other twin was Danny DeVito, the premise being that one twin "got all the good genes", leaving only crap for the other twin. Lol

@tsharee- damnit! You're either my new favorite commenter or my LEAST! First you make me wake up my hubby with my loud guffaw last night, now you've got me spitting my lunch all over my Iphone over your observation of the male douchbag. Heh heh.

I'm still loving everyone's comments, fab! Perhaps he should join the UK X-Factor twins Jedward as their missing triplet, because they think they look like Rob too apparently. They can all live deludedly together.

Ok, potty humor comes to mind here, as in butt-crumb, butt-drool that's why the toilet bowl cleaner is there as a prop for this overinflated fartbag!(Sorry for this LIndsay Lohan) but he looks like a bad version of her with a bad haircut and no makeup and starting hormones for the big sex change thaing, Clay A. should be insulted too. EWWWWWWWWW to the hell infinity!!! OH, and the girl/boy thing with the disco belt, even bigger EWWWWWWWWWW is that on hormones too!!! Oh for the love of Gawd where do these idiots get any idea they are even close to being thought of as wet panty material much less masculine, I can't tell what sex they are!!!! They look like ugly women with terrible fashion sense, where the hell are those fashion police when you need them!! Seriously these schmukers should have their own cable show as in Wayne's World...they are definitely in their own poor little basturds!OK, so I laughed my butt off and cleared the tears away and went back to the VF web site to see the RPatz photos again. OH PALEEEZ you girl/boys are hysterical! Thanks for the big gerfawww!

oh wow...all I can say is ick! Not Rpattz twin. Not sexier than RPattz. Not RPattz! On a side note ladies, I did finally give birth and luckily it wasn't until the 24th, I did however lose a bet with the SO about naming our son a twilight name if I went into labor at New Moon on the 20th. Damnit!

I've read the post twice, and I still don't know what the hell is going on. That guys poor family needs to get him the mental help he so obviously needs! LMFAO

I agree, the whole look he has going on is more serial killer than sexy or hot. He has puffy alcohol eyes, is washed out with no definable features, and hello - he BLOW DRYS HIS HAIR! Something The Precious would never do.

And really, new moon in the moonlight? I threw up in the back of my mouth and pissed myself at the same time.

I don't know if I've said this lately but I love all of you. And holy fucking shit are some of you BRUTAL! LOL!

For those of you who are newer, about six(ish) months ago, STY and I stumbled upon bad vampire - he has a gazillion pictures floating around on the web. Anyhoo, we like to torture you folks with them every once in awhile but kind of got away from the habit.

What. A. Douchebag. Ugh. PUL-EEZE! In his dreams. Gah, he can't even get RPattz's name right, and the toilet bowl cleaner out of his 'hot' picture. And he can't be very bright (wink wink) if he says, "lighting" and not "lightning". A HUGE fucktard. I hope he's reading this. In your dreams baby, IN YOUR DREAMS.

Ang, I just threw up in my mouth too. ((shudder)) Geez, Rob is going to get a complex if he finds out about this guy. Rob already thinks he looks like a burn victim that had reconstructive surgery. poor dude is being compared to THAT guy...now he's gonna think he looks like a transgender burn victim. oh Rob, you are so humble and adorable for not realizing you are a freaking gorgeous sex god.

I don't believe in making fun of the handicapped, but I believe that the just plain stupid deserve it. What. A. Wanker. Literally a wanker. He can't possibly get anyone to shag him. He looks just like this total serial-killer-of-the-future I went to school with. He couldn't get anyone to shag him either. Way to give this asstard the roasting he deserves, JJ! Keep those coals nice and hot.

@Stan: Those Jedward wankstains make me want to burn my Irish passport. And birth certificate. Anything that says I come from the same country.

OMG!! is this guy for real. I had to do one of those cartoon head shakes to make sure I was reading the captions. And he got the name wrong too. Come on, if your gonna try to say you are someones better looking tein, you could atleast get the name right. And the captions, seriously??? And the last one, is he channeling Joan Jett?? Thank you for sharing,this made my day.

Will I get in trouble for posting this?? It only links to the pictures and not his webpage (you can take it down if you want), but that picture of him with the cat is the best one yet!!!!!! http://www.flickr.com/photos/robertpattersonlookalike

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