THE DEFINITIVE 120 ITEM LIST OF HOW TO ANNOY YOUR ROOM-MATE
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1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk
to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up
out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything
he/she owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans
in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night.
If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face,
"They're more than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on
a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your
performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you
food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it
off when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of
weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend
to masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to
come, pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what
you think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash
can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food,
and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get
hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a
list of grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned,
and then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse
him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage
due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand
up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep
this up for three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.
Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start
with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and
pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate
comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching
violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain
loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it
at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that
it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close
them as soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes from your roommate's e-mail account.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave
the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If
he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
55. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes
and giggle to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your
roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so
for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head
on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were
knocked out ... use this method to fall asleep every night for
a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe
into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a
towel, and go shower too.
62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take
his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to
him/her by UPS.
63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like
you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two
weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm,
blame your roommate.
65. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her
music.
66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into
him/her.
72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't
say anything, just stare.
73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really
important but you can't remember who it was.
74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer
a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then
ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate
that you don't trust your ceiling.
76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
77. Skip to the bathroom.
78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the
fort for an entire weekend.
79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in
his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foilage.
80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on
when you leave.
81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she
can find them.
82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up
immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit
there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling
above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
84. Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or
God or Damnit.
85. Burn incense.
86. Eat moths.
87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate.
Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after
your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until
they all die.
88. Collect Chia-Pets.
89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
90. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day,
spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got
sick.
91. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of
breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through
carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything
to eat.
95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't
looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your
roommate turns around. Drink it.
96. Don't ever flush.
97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you
walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
100. Dress in drag.
101. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room.
Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.
102. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door
screaming, "Let me in. Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for
locking you out.
103. Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver.
104. Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad
at him/her for not listening to you.
105. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the
night.
106. Ask your roommate if he/she can turn down the music; Bob has a
headache.
107. Start a brothel.
108. Constantly slip and fall -- on your carpet.
109. Post a sign in your bathroom that reads: "If it's yellow let it
mellow, if it's brown flush it down." Check every time to make
sure he/she follows it.
110. Invite the Dean to sleepover.
111. Invite the school President to sleepover.
112. Invite your roommate to sleepover.
113. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your
roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.
114. Walk into walls.
115. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
116. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm
melting!"
117. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and
stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a
telescope.
118. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm
watching you."
119. Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride
back and forth outside your window saying, "Speedy Delivery!"
until he/she comes out.
120. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've
turned into Gumby.
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