Thursday, November 22, 2012

I have been listening to a friend about her problems and reading about other people problems and listening to my own problems, lol. I saw myself starting to get discouraged. So I will write about it, so I may see this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the thought of I am becoming discouraged when I see things on the news and TV shows, or hear of acquaintances and there issues that we think are real, but are only emotional programs that direct us and we live in misery most of the time of mental pain that we see as suffering. And I can see that this is all in our minds – that we hold onto blame and self pity because things are not going our way in self interest.
I forgive myself that I was almost going to accept myself to go into the emotional self pity-ment of discouragement to use as a reason to give up. My backchat thoughts were:
This is so extensive that I do not and can not even conceive that we as humans can get out of this. And thus I want to give up.
I forgive myself that I am entertaining the thoughts of I want to give up because I don’t see that the world can change.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to fear that there may be no way out of this mess that we are in and that we have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I am wanting to and thinking I should go into self pity because I see the world, friends and non friends suffering so much in the accepted and allowed self abuse that we have come to believe is normal and is life. And I believe if we stop worrying about ourself so much, and what others do or not do to us or for us and we started to look at what can we do for another that our world would change and our unhappiness would stop because our self interest would stop. And we could have a world with out abuse.
So what is myself interest in this? I want my suffering to stop because I see others suffer. I can not stop another’s suffering and the pain for me is I think that when another suffers it reminds me of my own suffering that I had accepted and allowed.

As I see this point and apply common sense – I can see that allowing myself to become discouraged does NO GOOD AT ALL. And that this is just another emotional program to keep us enslaved in a good and bad circle entrapment.
When and if I see myself becoming discouraged – I stop and realize that this is just another emotional program and does nothing to help anything and I stop following the thought and Breathe.

As I was pondering my long time ago relationship, I got some insights. One is that I am still living that relationship as me now HERE. I saw another show of Deep Space Nine, where Benjamin was in the worm hole talking with the Profits. The Profits where trying to understand humans. Benjamin was trying to explain time to them. He was saying that we live in a place where things are linear. They follow after each other, and thus we can see past as time as we move to another moment.. And the Profits kept saying But You Are HERE. And what they were showing him was that he was living in his mind as a time loop of a year ago when his wife had died and he had failed to save her. Thus indicating that if you are linear – why are you Here – meaning living in the past moment with anger and fear of what had happened. Well long story short, he snapped out of it. He realizing that in his mind he was not living linear – but staying and living as the sorrow and anger and thus missing his moments of life as the present, not seeing others or life around him.

For me I saw that when it came to a partnership interest, someone coming into my life as a potential partner – that I was/would live that moment where I thought I had failed a good relationship. And because of that, when I had an opportunity for a partner, all kinds of memory pictures come up of that time. I then feared getting involved again, fearing that I would fail.

I also see that we do this for many things. Anything that we accepted and allowed to made an emotional charge imprint within our minds with a label as good. or bad – we carry with us, most of us our whole entire life – and we never do really live HERE. We live in the mind. And at Desteni and the Desteni I Process we are becoming self intimate - we study ourselves and what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to believe, by understanding our emotions and feelings and how they can enslave us to live life in constant time loops and never really know how to live HERE as the Physical.

So back to my relationship, I mentioned that I call her and we did talk. While I was waiting to see if she would call me back, I was thinking how we as humans all live in our own “personal reality”, meaning I wonder how she saw our relationship. I knew I had my version of it, what I believed happened. So I was hoping we could talk about it.

So what did we talk about? At first it was pleasantries, like how have you been, have you seen so and so, we talked about the people we knew together. Then she said – “So you had a dream about me?” lol – I am laughing now, because I was actually not going to initiate that conversation… If she did not – I probably would have not brought up our relationship – I was backing out, I got scared, I am a chicken! Then I would have regretted it, thank goodness she said something about it!

Next I will talk about what we talked about regarding our relationship

Sunday, November 18, 2012

How I allowed myself to be programmed to believe that the one that got away would ruin my life of ever experiencing a loving relationship, and my idea of the perfect relationship.

(This is a continuation from previous blog - day 62)

As I investigate this long time ago relationship I see that I have labeled it “The One that got Away.” What I mean by this is that I had convinced myself that this relationship if I would not of fucked it up would be the ONE. The one person that I was suppose to be with for along time. I thought this because of our mutual connection that we had with each other. We were both attracted to each other with the same intensity. It was like a dream come true, a dream that I got from the “Movies.” I had not experience this before, it was either I was longing for someone and them not me – or the other way around. I had made romance movies my perception of life and what a romance and partnership should be like. Lol. Well not really funny, not so much then when I was feeling all the pain, shame, regret and longing for the one I lost. See I thought this was the perfect relationship according to some movie I saw. Where two people are so attracted to each other they could hardly stand it. And this intensified as we did not come together for over a year after the first connection – so this build up of wanting to be together (for play lol) lasted for almost a year!

Well back to last week when I watched Deep Space Nine and it trigger this same old familiar longing I had to want to get back with my ex of so long ago. And that I still have dreams of this, of wanting to connecting and feeling regret and self pity that I will most likely never have this again. And how I regret fucking it up. I ended up calling her! I was scared, thinking wtf am I doing??? But I knew I would always wonder – so I just pushed through the fear and called. She was not there - I left a message – then she called back and left a message, then I called again and she was there. I must say, I am so glad I called. I had some questions about why we broke up, we were really able to talk and she was very accommodating to talk about something that happened so long ago. I mean she has a whole new life now – a husband and a 14yr old daughter. I was grateful; because I saw some points I was not aware of back then. I will get into those later as it will be part of my idea and beliefs about relationships, and my fear to ever have another one – though I have – they could not live up that one. And the point of not wanting to get hurt again would make me not even see another person really. Though even back then with my ex – I did not see her. Only my fantasy of what I thought a relationship should be.

To be continued…

What did I find out with the phone call? What did I find out about the same old feeling I had after I dreamed of her again and talked to her again? Who and what I was within my personal partner relationships

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Rant and Rave:
Last night I dreamed of an ex… wow – In the dream it is about me searching for her – finding her and then she won’t let me in. Or now she is letting me in – but we don’t stay long together as she always has to go. And I don’t want her to go – I want us to be together – I feel like I made a mistake when we were together – and I want the chance to get back with her. I feel she is the only person where I got to experience that we both loved EACH OTHER. She loved me! And I loved her- I think! …

Suppressed relationship stuff coming up – from watching Deep Space Nine – It reminds me I am still single – and have never had a good relationship. I miss Lynne for some reason…why
I am feeling sad our relationship did not work out.

I saw today from our weekly online chats that I have not even started to deal with relationships. I have worked through brother and mother stuff – But not “love” relationships. To be honest – these have been very painful for me – and to avoid this – is avoiding who and what I have been existing as. My relationships are who I am! This part of my life has been such a mess in my mind, that I thought just to forget about it and it will go away and I will change “magically” by suppressing it. Thinking because I will no longer probably ever have another “partnership, love” relationship in my life – that means I over came it! What a LIE I am seeing now. If this is the most painful part of my life – I better look at it: my beliefs, and ideas that caused me this pain.
I was watching Deep Space Nine and this episode was about some of the crew’s personal relationship love interests. I then that night had a dream about who I believe was the one and only closest relationship that I ever had. To me I feel this way because I believed we BOTH loved each other. Usually my relationships were either I was infatuated (I called that “love”) with the person and they were not back, or they were and I was not. So this one is the one I always seem to dream about. The dreams are similar in that I want to reconnect with this person and something happens that we don’t. It is usually her avoiding me, having other things to do, and not the time right now.

In our relationship that we had – we broke up after 2yrs and I was devastated. I am still devastated after close to 30yrs! I have never been with another for that long of a time – where we were considered a couple. I have been crying most the day about this – which usually happens after I have this type of dream about her. I become sad, I feel I messed up with our relationship and I wish we could try again. Thus in my dream where I look for her, find her, but we can not connect beyond pleasantries and I wake up sad that she does not return the desire to maybe give us another chance.
I would not have gone into this deeper – I would again mostly likely have distracted myself from this dream after awhile which is what I always do – had it not been for our Desteni chat today about relationships and the dream I had the night before. HELLO ADELE! Time to Deal with it!

I forgive myself that I thought and believed that dealing with this relationship and all others that I have had was not necessary because I have spiritualized IT. Meaning that I made myself believe that I was ABOVE RELASIONSHIPS – they are not part of being a spiritual person.
Backchat- It is silly to worry, think about the past – I am moving on now – having a relationship is just a program to enslave us, so ignore it - You are better than wanting to have a relationship (spiritualization).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid myself through and as suppression because I thought and wanted to believe that I am a spiritual person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I con-vinced myself that I was spiritual that I did not have to face myself as who I have been and believe that my past emotions and feeling would be automatically erased. Not seeing or not WANTING TO SEE that this will take years of work to understand and stop this program and re-program who I have been life time after life time. Within this avoidance – it just keeps growing, or I could say it just keep staying HERE as me, because I chose not to look at – making myself believe that if I did not look at it, it would just go away. Well – IT DOSENT.

To Be ContinuedMFM Art: Am I an Enlightened Ornamental Lamp? http://bit.ly/Ss7036 by Matti Destonian Freeman

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

With regards to my previous post, about "Backchat I am so tired of people wanting me to doing things - I am so tired of people telling me to do something their way. I am so tired of people wanting me to change – I am so tired of living for other peoples opinions!!!
I am so tired of feeling like I am not good enough – I am so tired of being born into a world where everyone TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO!"

What I am seeing also/now is that even though everyone told be what I should or should not do – is that I TOOK IT PERSONAL – and that is the problem. I took is as someone “against me” thus not for me, thus they are doing this to me…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how I feel
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others were against me because they told me what I "should" do in there opinion and I thus took it personal, as a personal attack against me, and also a feeling/belief that in their eyes I was not good enough.

I forgive myself that because I took what people where saying personal that I compromised myself though and as anger towards others, myself and life.

I forgive myself that I did not see or realize at that time that I was accepting and allowing myself to project anger towards others, myself and life because I did not like what people were saying, instead to know or understand how to be present and stable here in the moment as life and not live as an emotional being constantly bouncing around by peoples ideas and opinions.

Earlier self discussion:

I have to figure out a way to stop being jerked around by my emotions… LOL – Well I know the way; Self Honest and Self Forgiveness and then Self Corrective action. I think I still want a miracle, that one day it will be done and I will not have to “feel” like I am struggling anymore.

What I think is going on with me is that I have to start over…

I was trying to avoid this. LOL – really??? I wanted to think/believe because I have 4 years with Desteni that to start over would be… like a waste of time. But I am wasting time by not starting over and trying to do SF SH SCA from a point where I have been doing it all along. But I have not. I stopped consistent writing after two years when my life became unstable. I had to move a lot, find work, I started college. I went into a mind spin, and stopped writing consistently. And at one point I was so consumed with college that I stopped participation with Desteni all together for about 3 or 4 months – And that really set me back…

So fuck it – I will start over. Lol I have to because I need to get back to basics.

What does start over mean? I will start with writing to freedom, and basic SF. I am getting caught up in the advanced stuff and I am not ready for it because I have not really done it.
I was thinking my blogs should not be all about my struggles with keeping up with Desteni process – Thinking that I will scare off people who might read it.

Side thought -OMG – I am cutting down on sugar! – That is part of why I am angry – I am addicted to surgar – and I am not giving it to myself – thus anger.

What I am also seeing from the resent post about anger, me seeming to be at the mercy of doing what others want and or think you should do – is that… I thought I was suppose to be something special.. hm… not even sure what that is – so I will write out thoughts that come up.

Life is suppose to be for ME

I am suppose to come here and have a playground so to speak – really I mean a place to express. And I feel like that has been suppressed. Even as a kid I thought this. And have always rebelled at limitations, at saying you are suppose to do this be that because… And the because to me were just opinions. Not making any real sense. I could understand, like don’t hurt something – because it hurts! And you would not want that to be done to you. But for everything else it sucked. Like why I could not be an airline stewardess because it is consider a glorified waitress! SO WHAT!!!

Thus I have suppressed anger at people wanting me to be what they think I should be.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I am feeling great resistance to doing anything today…
I forgive myself that I am having resistance to doing school- dip and blog today
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to wake up and feel like the things I should be doing feels like drudgery today.
I forgive myself that I am being battered around by the polarity of feeling good when I do something and feeling bad when I do something – thus not feel fulfillment when it feels like drudgery to do something.. I need the energetic high feeling to get things done; - I need to “Like” to do it.
I forgive myself that I fear that unless I feel good – have the high want to feeling to do something it actually feels painful to do things – I mean to push myself feels like it sucks and is not natural to life…
I forgive myself that I even get angry when I have to do something or should do something and I don’t feel like it – I get very angry within myself – like I am being tortured.
Today I feel demonized angry! Lol – but now I am crying to release this pent up frustration and anger that I feel like I am a slave to consciousness – A slave to “have too’s” Instead to be me – what ever that is – I don’t know…

I feel so overwhelmed by school- the paper I have to write and needing to make money with websites…
I feel trapped in guilt like I have never before felt! Like if I don’t do this – then I don’t care about life… wow that’s big, that is a big guilt…

Anger at doing SRA – What is my resistance…

Backchat
I am so tired of people wanting me to doing things - I am so tired of people telling me to do something their way. I am so tired of people wanting me to change – I am so tired of living for other peoples opinions!!!
I am so tired of feeling like I am not good enough – I am so tired of being born into a world where everyone TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO!

I forgive myself that I don’t think I should post this
I forgive myself that I think I should be posting better things than this
I forgive myself that I think I am not helping others by what I am blogging
I forgive myself that I believe that I have too much responsibility to be responsible for the world and thus this creates fear in me in what and how I am doing things.
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing fear to run/control my emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to become angry – I see this is happening because I am allowing myself to become overwhelmed instead of directing myself – I go into searching for things online and then I become distracted with what I want to do.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to get involved with things that seem cool at the time and then I get so many emails from all these different things that I don’t even remember why I got involved with them. And then I use that to distract me and then I use that to become angry and blame life/others are doing it to me when it is me who allows myself to follow these carrots from online searching thinking and believing that they are cool. But what I am really doing is looking for entertainment to appease the mind as a way of avoidance instead to push through resistance.
I forgive myself that the need to feel good and balance that with feeling bad is what is getting me to find things online I think are cool and then thus I become overwhelmed with all the emails.

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"As one write self-forgiveness, self-forgiveness is the action of the decision made by self to take responsibility for self, and in taking/giving/gifting self with that responsibility – one become equal-to and one with the “problem”/consequence creation, making the statement: “I am taking responsibility for this problem/consequence creation as me”. In being/becoming the “problem”/consequence creation one will as the “problem”/creation see/find/realise the Solution." Sunette Destonian Spies

This is how we can purify ourselves in 7yrs to become a life worth living that is best for all of life. We take responsible for what we are thinking, and the very act of writing everyday is a way to assist in self disciple of directing our thoughts instead to let emotions, fears and the personality direct us, as we move to a supportive nature towards all mankind.