Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Mark Your Calendars: Thanks for the Givings

(Food styling on an "epic" scale.)

In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. (He might have saved himself some time by sailing the ocean green, but it hadn't been discovered yet.) Landing on a Caribbean island called Hispaniola, he then transferred to a ship called the Mayflower which was bound for Massachusetts, then one of only 48 states in the union. (Alaska and Hawaii would not become states until the early 1500s.) After de-boating at Plymouth Rock and undergoing a full body scan (complete with invasive cavity search), he was greeted by the indigenous peoples of the land, who feted Columbus and his crew with turkey (except for the one wan, smug, vegan member of the crew with sleeve tattoos and grommets in his ears who insisted on having tofu turkey, because, you know, there's always one), and thus the holiday of Thanksgiving was born. Just as they were finishing up, however, the English army attacked. Changing his name to George Washington, Columbus soundly defeated the British, became the first President of the United States, and promptly repaid the turkey-proffering indigenous peoples who had supported him by subjugating them, stealing their land, and infecting them with smallpox, for which they were of course incredibly grateful.

Today, the Thanksgiving holiday lives on, except instead of turkey we now eat "turducken," which is a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken--or, if you're "economically challenged," a more affordable "turdog," which is simply a turkey stuffed with a dog:

This is especially affordable if you're already got a pet dog, though the cost is heavy when measured in your children's tears.

Of course, in the "bike culture," there's no surer sign of Thankgiving than "Cranksgiving," which refers to the various Thanksgiving-themed "alleycat" races held in various cities throughout the country. Generally speaking, the way these seem to work is that a bunch of Nü-Freds show up on their IROs and then embark on a scavenger hunt which involves running lights and buzzing pedestrians while they fill their Chrome bags with canned foods which they then give to the needy, after which they meet someplace for an after-party during which these "humanitarian scofflaws" get drunk, congratulate themselves for their "epic" act of charity, and compare notes on their SPD-compatible sneakers.

Now, I'm all in favor of charity--especially when it's performed by other people while I stay home and watch TV--but I can't really "get down" with the whole "Cranksgiving" thing. First of all, to me the name "Cranksgiving" implies that it's a time to be cranky, and I would have gone with the more festive-sounding "Alleyturkey," or even "Alleyturcat." (A "turcat" is like a "turdog" only with a cat, and believe me, it's just as traumatic to your children. As a child myself I used to cry and cry over my "turcat," and the sorrow continued well after Thankgiving was over. Oh how I used to sob when I'd open my leftover "turcat" sandwich in the school cafeteria...) Secondly, while riding a bicycle in the city is very often a better alternative to driving, when your goal is to collect as much food as possible to feed the hungry it seems to me that "Cranksgiving" might be the one occasion during which the "bike culture" might just suck it up, pool their money, and rent a U-Haul. I'd have to imagine that even two mildly motivated "hipsters" with a simple rental truck could easily collect at least four times as much food as an entire "Cranksgiving" alleycat--and that's including the single stick of turkey jerky collected by the guy with the "micro messenger bag" bike purse.

At the very least, they could make all these "Cranksgivings" into cargo bike hauling competitions, and the legions of the smug could show up with their Xtracycles and Big Dummys and "bake feets" or whatever those Dutch things are and show off their massive "portaging" capabilities. A Nü-Fred on an IRO with a Chrome "hipster cape" might be able to carry a few cans, but a decent cargo bike can carry at least two Nü-Freds and their IROs and their "hipster capes" full of cans. In fact, a single all-bake feets "Alleyturkey" could probably portage two or three "Cranksgiving" alleycats, which would make it the "bike culture" charity ride equivalent of a turducken.

They were moving at quite a clip, too, and the blast of smugness darn near blew the vegan casserole off my head.

Speaking of PSAs (as I was yesterday), a reader recently sent me what may very well be the worst PSA I have ever seen:

I'm a staunch advocate of responsible light usage, but if I were these people I'd extinguish all of my lights and try to slink away in shame under cover of darkness.

Of course, the opposite of the independently-produced PSA is the slick viral marketing video starring a professional athlete, like this one featuring Mark "The Man Missile" Cavendish:

"To me," says Cavendish, "Victory is about beating other people." Now, I happen to be a big Mark Cavendish fan--precisely because, unlike most cycling fans, I like riders who win bike races. However, I'm pretty sure "beating other people" is the very definition of victory, and as such it's hardly worth mentioning. It's like saying, "To me, going pee-pee is about voiding your bladder of urine." Then, to further underscore his relentless desire to win, Cavendish says, "Emotions are kind of a waste of energy." Except for that one time, of course:

Maybe the fish got stuck on her fingers during the swimming leg of a triathlon, or maybe triathlons are going from "swim, bike, run" to "swim, fish, run." Frankly, given the bike-handling skills of some triathletes, this may not be a bad idea. Or, if they insist on sticking with cycling, maybe they should change it from traditional, mobile cycling to stationary, smoothie-making cycling:

A bike that MAKES SMOOTHIES!Great for festivals, shows, parties, fundraisers and all types of events!Makes blending more fun and gets everyone's attention!Adjustable seat height and comfortable grip handle bars.Condition: Brand new, out of the box.Color: Blue.

Maybe next year someone will "curate" the world's first stationary "Cranksgiving."

listen up bub-you say some funny shit from time to timebut it really says something to me that you've neverowned a custom smoothie making bike. people like you who make thisonline image of yourself as an oracle of styleand substance better have the fucking chops toback it up with some crushed fruit. some fat 40 + year old bike virgin witha Trek , buying store-made smoothies and an iPad to post online doesn't have the right tocall himself a snob. sorry man your shark has jumped. go write a feel good book about not drinking fresh smoothies. oh wait, you already did.

The only proper accompaniment to a turducken (or turdog/turcat/turgoat) dinner is the cherpumple pie.http://www.bonappetit.com/blogsandforums/blogs/consciouscook/2009/12/the-cherpumple-the-worlds-most.html

"Briefly, you bake a frozen apple pie inside a layer of spice cake from a box; a pumpkin pie in a layer of golden cake; and a cherry pie in a layer of white cake. Slather with as much Duncan Hines cream cheese frosting as you like"

Sorry crosspalms, it is cold here, but Calgarians are anything but tough. We'll be getting a chinook in a couple of days and be back to (sort of) normal temps, while Edmonton continues in the deep freeze till at least March.

Those folks are tough. Why anyone would want to live there is a mystery.

Briefly, you bake a frozen apple pie inside a layer of spice cake from a box; a pumpkin pie in a layer of golden cake; and a cherry pie in a layer of white cake. Slather with as much Duncan Hines cream cheese frosting as you like.

Those folks are tough. Why anyone would want to live there is a mystery.

Apparently, it has something to do with retail chain outlets and shopping malls. Edmonton has 1.5 million people. 0.5 million of them own an Orange Julius stand in Edmonton somewhere. They just aren't comfortable in that city doing anything unless they know there are at least another 25 places identical to the one they are in.

As someone a generation or two ahead of you I don't quite get the expression "All You Haters Suck My Balls". Having my balls sucked is indeed a pleasurable experience that I would only want to share with someone who wanted to do this. The last person I'd ask is a "hater" as this person would likely do a poor and uninspired job of it.

..just sayin..If you don't agree well all you haters can suck my balls

listen up bub-you say some funny shit...well once you did in 2007...but it really says something to me that you've neverowned a custom Bakfiet. people like you who make thisonline image of yourself as an oracle of styleand substance better have the fucking chops toback it up with some serious portage. some REALLY fat 36 + year old near-virgin with only one kid to carry,BORROWING and NOT RETURNING a Big Dummy, and an TRS-80 to post online, doesn't have the right tocall himself a snob. sorry man your turkey has a chicken and a duck in it. go write a feel good book about walking down the street for five minutes while carrying your ONE kid in a sling...oh wait...what the fuck was I ranting about again?

Hey, what's with the Edmonton hate? Not too many winning bike racers from Cowtown, Edmonton is the hub of cycling in Alberta. Cowtown doesn't even have a velodrome. Cowpokes are more into douchebaggery and hotdog eating.

Yeah, that awful PSA is from Vancouver, from awhile back, forgot how awful. Did remind me to renew my membership in Vancouver Area Cycling Coalition, for no other reason than I want to have that feeling of belonging

CCC, I'm curious, is being unfamiliar with the Farenheit scale somehow synonymous with being tough? Does that mean all of us US winter cyclists are a bunch of "woosies", from my fellow frozen idiot Alaskans to all of those numb-toed numbskulls in Michigan and Minnesota and Maine?

-40F is the coldest that I've cycled in, which is also -40C! And let me tell you that the magical spot on the thermometer where Farenheit and Celsius meet is not nearly so magical on the bike. But the toughest cyclists that I know are from Fairbanks, where it will repeatedly hit -50F throughout the winter (that's about -45C, for the conversionally-challenged among you).

i had to watch the "risible" video twice to be sure i hadn't missed anything before passing judgement as the largest killer of time i have ever seen, of course that is just behind the 40mph cavandish recombent rocket video from the other day...damnit!

I spend more time reading the comments than the actual blog each day. And that's saying something. Cuz I read s l o w l yand obviously I post slowly or I wouldn't be screaming about TOP 100 BITCHES!!!!

Most all of you a friggin brilliant. BTW. But not as brilliant as the BSNYC

"...dammit, hannibal lector...obviously you left a lb. of salt out of your nuclear powered blender mix to rub into the wounds"

Actually food stylists are, as a whole, extremely and naturally salty do to their constant contact with raw meat and from pounding same. As a result of this natural saltiness no sane normal hetrosexual woman would ever hook-up with a known Comestible Manipulator. Same goes for most transvestites.

Celsius: If you put some tape on that bar it'll feel warmer.Bartender: Thanks. I'd buy you guys a drink but it's 9 in the morning. Come back when the kitchen's open and try the veal. You here all week?

Bakfiets is from two words, 'fiets' just means 'bike' and 'bak' refers to the wooden box. They are a real plague here in Amsterdam, cause nobody has a car here. I heard they are much more expensive in the US then here.

This is a very popular Dutch bakfiets-maker, they seem to have a shop in Chicago:http://www.defietsfabriek.nl/

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!