Maybe not having Brexit is making firms leave?

While everyone is quick to assume Brexit uncertainty is leading to high-profile companies leaving the UK, others suggest that it is this very lack of post-apocalyptic-turnip-famine-zombie-infestation opportunities that are killing our economy. In the absence of a meaningful Brexit, firms are being forced to look for overseas for chaos, cheap cocaine and chlorinated-chicken.

Explained one economist: ‘We’ve had 30 years of firms relocating and in that time almost zero Brexit. Logically that means Brexit doesn’t cause the loss of industry, a loss of Brexit does. You can’t blame something that hasn’t happened for things that are happening. That would be like blaming world peace for Donald Trump’.

A spokeswoman for Dyson was quick to dismiss any connection between Singapore having signed a free-trade agreement with the EU and Dyson’s new Singapore postcode: ‘Fear of Remain is making us leave. Now if the UK actually left, we would remain. But, if you’re in we’re out. We want to leave to remain, not remain to leave. You see? We want to be outside of Europe and geographically you can’t get more outside than Singapore’.

By being a future event, Brexit has also avoided the blame for past terrors; such as Kanye West and the Ebola virus. However this does mean Brexit can take the credit for anything happening after 2019; like the end of Ebola and a cure for Kanye West. The one thing the British will no longer be able to blame post-Brexit is the EU.

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