Stern Building Turnstiles to Require American Express in Place of NYU ID

Early Friday afternoon, NYU Stern officials announced a new security policy directed at keeping riff raff out of their building. Starting next week, maintenance crews will begin replacing all the NYU ID card swipers with credit card machines exclusively accepting American Express.

The new policy, which incorporates a point rewards system, is sure to keep out all students with a credit score lower than 800, a fact which ensures most Gallatin, Tisch, and Clive Davis students will be unable to enter the building. “Nothing in life is free,” says NYU spokesman John Beckman. “We don’t want students frivolously walking into Stern.”

In addition to the immediate credit check, Beckman said a small fee of $97.04 would be charged to the student’s account every time he or she entered the building. “We firmly believe that this will really change how we approach the question of how we provide education. With so much extra revenue, we can finally fund that fifth Stern-On-The-Go WiFi network we’ve been hankering for.”

At press time NYU announced a new pilot program to implement surge pricing during midterms.