Dream Log - May 12, 2016

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I play the part of a kindergarten mentally challenged kid. I don't feel that way though, but perhaps it's the way the others perceive me. By comparison to the others I am the mentally challenged kid in class. I have short hair, like buzz cut to bald short, and am wearing a hat (think it might be a baseball cap but I'm not sure). At first, clear blue sky outside.

We all seem to be training for something. Some sort of apprenticeship program. Yes, there are other kids in the class. To them I'm like a foreigner, nobody knows really where I came from, they're curious about me. But at the same time, it's like they've never met a mentally challenged person before in their life, they seem so confused by my handicap, and why it makes me so slow in certain areas, as well as a savant in others. I'm ignorant, but there's room for potential.

I seem to be rather popular so I feel no shame about my condition, at first. Prior to my first test the others are informed--or more like given a brief explanation--about me, and how I apparently have something of a shady past. Parental neglect, which I seem mostly unaware of, or downplay to others at least. But the teacher in charge (who's face I never do see) seems to find it more grim or concerning than even I do, and I'm the one who lived through it. Essentially though, this means that basically I'm starting from scratch. And I think that's what makes me mentally challenged in the dream, that I have no prior education and thus, am like a child without even the basic functions of a mind. My first test seems simple, to run a lap. Which I can't even do around the baseball diamond or playground, wherever it is we are outside. Even though I act on instinct, or assumption, one of the other kids informs me--during the test--that I'm doing it wrong, and actually has to show me step by step how to run properly. It isn't until after the actual test that for the first time feel embarrassment and shame, regarding my condition. And yet, none of the others treat me that way, they seem to have forgotten all about it. But there's definitely a hint of sullen disposition in my voice when somebody asks me afterward how it went and I nod my head to the instructor--who I think is one of my fellow classmates--and saying very dryly and in a low voice, "I'll let 'em fill you in how I did."

I feel like I failed the test, even though I haven't been evaluated yet. I'm sweating, I don't know if it's from exhaustion, or just plain stress. Clouds are gathering, dark clouds. A storm. Everybody runs for cover. Yet I remain on the field. For some strange reason the clouds seem inviting to me. I actually wanna get hit by lightning, which the clouds are definitely beginning to breed. One of the other kids yells at me, asking if I'm crazy. It isn't until he puts the thought in my head that I begin to question my decision. And I actually tremble a bit at the prospect of getting struck by lightning. The bolts just crack so loudly with such intimidating awe, it's hard 'not' to be scared by them. I really wanna get struck but chicken out at the last minute, coming in for cover.

Yet, for a moment there, when I was in the field, I felt as though I had this vague feeling I was meant to get struck by lightning, like it was supposed to happen, almost like a second chance for something. I didn't write this down in my notes but I do remember there were two lightning strikes, followed by the third I experienced while seeking protection. There are more details to this dream but upon waking this is all that I could manage to jot down before the image faded. But there is one thing I managed to remember without a provided context to make sense of it...I simply wrote down the words, the occult.

I'm being held by these strange cult people. Naked and grotesque. A man with a fat stomach, has bloody writing across the navel area. There's a name. He wants me to say it. By saying this name I give up some sort of freedom. Worse than that, I betray my country (don't ask me how). I refuse, even though I am battered and bloody already myself.

These people remind me of the replicants from Blade Runner. Incidentally I happen to be playing Harrison Ford's character from the movie. These cultists have this child, a blonde boy. He's unconscious when I rescue him. Somehow I take the kid back, and I completely flip these weird cultists off and run. There's this constant angry and fearful tone/vibe felt throughout the entire thing.

Later when the boy and I are fully clothed--who is actually older than I make him sound in the above--I learn that the boy is actually my partner, as in police partner. There's some sort of discussion we have together as we watch this strange VHS tape that my journal notes tell me have something to do with sexuality. I discuss with my now stirring awake partner how this job is a dangerous one. It has that kind of film noir hardened demeanor insinuation to it.

-----INTERPRETATION-----

The first part of the dream was 'scary' and I originally took this dream to be something of a downer. I was angry and frustrated all afternoon at work. Then I thought about it a little more.

Knowing what I know now about Blade Runner and about the replicants I take this to mean a dream symbol of slavery and how I deal with it. Perhaps the dream was trying to inform me that I'm choosing not to think like a slave anymore. If I still am, than I really shouldn't.

It begins with me in an orchard. Unclear whether I'm working there or just simply lost, or even 'stuck', in it. It doesn't really seem like a typical orchard. Everything is so deeply green, I take notice. There are pine cones and needles on the ground in certain areas as I walk around barefoot, which leads me to suspect it might be a forest, or even the local park, instead. But my initial reaction is--orchard.

I never knew just how badly I want out of this orchard until I see another worker. A young Asian girl, who is walking down a trail on an incline on the other side of a fence I discover when I come through a clearing to find the outer edge of this orchard. It's perhaps the first evidence I have in the dream that there even is something else outside where I am.

I see this girl walking down the trail, leaving the orchard. I try to get her attention, almost clamber trying to follow her, except I can't find the exit, and have no idea how she got out there--or even in, if she really is another worker.

I guess I'm desperate for someone to talk to. She seems reluctant at first but decides to stop and chat with me. I can't remember if she comes back into the orchard or if we simply talk through the fence along the path. At one point I believe she mentions to me something of a relationship with her girlfriend. It's unclear from memory if she simply means girl-friend or if she actually is a lesbian. It seems strange to me seeing as she seems so young. I'm now beginning to question if she actually is a child or just simply a really short woman?

I feel young in this dream. But thankfully not a child or a teenager as I most often am in most dreams, I just feel young. It's been some time since I've walked around barefoot in the woods, it feels nice. It's strange, I can feel the prickly pin needles beneath my feet but my legs don't register the pain like I would if I were awake. Like an electric shock or something akin to static.

I don't know why, and I never expected her to listen to intently, somehow I find myself pouring out my concerns and situation to this young worker. I start telling her my situation regarding me and ______ and how much I fear ______ might marry him before I even get the chance. I never hear what her answer or advice to me is...

March 29, 2016[My original (dream)journal notes - too far back to recall details]

Something about _______, he does something bad or is going to. Focus on his acting career, I try to get close to him to eventually inflict some kind of personal justice. Ancient spider culture. Come across _______ twice (maybe he's the handler?) Influenced not to fear spider. Liar?! Art. Origin. Project.

I'm told of a future relationship I might have--or will. First I am shown the character I will be dating (not character as in 'character' but you know what I mean, as in "he's quite the character") interacting with some kind of a fan base he has. Except, the two of us have absolutely NOTHING in common. Our interests and viewpoints don't seem to match at all. I'm silent while he's talking to a bunch of people. He has one of those annoying personalities, a showboat, and kind of crass humor. Superficial, I can't stand him--professionally that is. Pick any annoying female celeb you hate our there in the media, and now imagine your feet in my shoes for the shock I'm about to receive.

Someone in the crowd--since I seem so out of place even being there in the first place--finally opts to approach me and ask how I know the host. Since I'm shy and haven't been talking up until now, I mumble my response. "Um, well, y'see, we used to...we used to, y'know. Go out...together." The other person is shocked. And so am I, at what I just said. Then the dream fills me in on the details, and I remember everything now.

That's right, we did go out. But it didn't last very long. As I explain that to the person I'm talking to, I actually remember that it was surprisingly brief. Like say a month, or even a week. Almost like a blip, we both have to remind ourselves that we really did see each other. And as I stated above, we really do need that memory cause the image of us being together just doesn't make sense publicly otherwise.

This joker up in front of the people is now widely exposed, media wise. Yet, we saw each other just before he peaked, so we were both basically still in the process of becoming recognized. Which makes it all the more illuminating to others that we share this prior connection. My ex (in the dream) eventually turns to me. Even though professionally we'd instinctually despise each other, first glance is a rather tender one. Upon first sight our eyes get a lot softer as all these previous memories start flooding in. It's like one of those moments where you run in to your ex at the supermarket and there's this awkward pause before one of you says "...hey." That's what this moment is.

We almost laugh about it too. Even we can't imagine what attracted us to each other in the first place either. But then the dream goes deeper into the memories itself and it all comes back in a rush. What we had--or will have--together was brief sure, but the dream shows me that the relationship is highly sexual, and in the moments where it isn't, it's actually more fun just to sit and flirt with each other in the moment. The relationship seems to last only a few weeks, but I feel like I know everything about him, cause those quiet ('flirty') moments we spend together seem to last forever. Almost like we've already been married for 15 years together. Is this what 'being in the moment' feels like?

Before the dream shorts out, I am told of a future relationship even further down the line, this one is an even more vague feeling, that isn't a sure thing. Mostly because it can't be seen clearly yet. It's like a fog in the distance. But the dream does confirm that it is at least there. A possible future relationship with ______. And the dream tells me this one will also be highly sexual. Whatever that means...

So, I've decided to try something new. This may be a miserable failure and will only stay up for so long as it receives attention or not. Since I don't know how to set up a personal blog over the net or anything, and probably don't have time for it, and since Dreamcatcher.net where I usually post these is currently down (last time I checked) my next thought goes to Listal, since I'm here quite often and have made several friends here.

I like to think I've actually gotten quite good at decoding my own dreams, but it gets a bit tricky at times. Here's a typical day for me: I'm currently working out in the field, labor work. There's not a lot of mental stimulation to it, and since they have me boondocked in an area where I'm in total isolation, I have nothing to do all day but retreat into my own personal thoughts.

I generally wake up, and the dream I just had will eventually turn out to be the highlight of my day. Cause there, everything comes easy, and there is no struggle--well, you know what I mean more or less. I've dreamt a lot about someone in particular. My twin flame, who's identity--yes, I know what it is...I think?--will remain anonymous in the following posts I put up here, for the sake of privacy. (But my close personal friends on here know who I'm talking about.) Anyway, he is the reason I put myself through all this backbreaking work, and humiliating life changes...cause I happen to dream of a light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, regardless, I've done a lot of personal growth in my recent off time. And despite all the success I've had, just recently--which everyone tells me I never give myself enough credit for--I still find myself coming back to, and relying on dreams quite a lot. So I thought, perhaps if there are any open minded or perceptive readers here on Listal, I could use some help sometimes trying to get to the heart of some of my most recent entries. Otherwise, I usually end up spending the afternoon brooding over the many numerous possible ways a recent dream I had might be interpreted. I confess, it works me up more than it ought to.

I will include in some of these my own first impression thoughts of what they might mean, but it wouldn't hurt to get a second opinion from some of my fav supporters here, or sometimes even from total strangers. Anybody who has an opinion, please share it below. I will include multiple installments when the list grows to be too big, and may include earlier dreams if I get a lot of positive response. It's a lot of reading, so if you're not in to that sort of thing you may wish to click out of right now.

For those who do choose to stop in and comment, thank you so much in advance ;D...