He was just 69, was stamped “Return to Sender” Tuesday, October 2, 2018. . .

and so his

O B I T U A R Y

began. . .

How would you begin yours?

How would you let it unfold

and exactly who would you want to read it?

Here’s how his continued:

He was born May 10, 1949, in Ellwood City and he attended Seneca Valley High School and graduated from Slippery Rock University. At age six, as his father realized his potential, his dad promptly had himself neutered.

(YES. . .this is a real, TRUE OBITUARY)

He most prided himself on the fact that upon his high school graduation, six of his teachers required psychiatric treatment for chronic depression and suicidal thoughts. During his collegiate tenure, he was a three-year starter on the basketball team, establishing scoring records and national free-throw percentages.

Once he left college, he briefly, very briefly, earned a living as a male stripper. Facing impending bankruptcy, he taught and coached a variety of sports. Eventually, he became a supervisor for 26 years with Consolidated Coal. During his coal mining tenure, his most noteworthy accomplishment was amassing 18 pairs of channel locks and 127 rolls of P-tape.

Following an early retirement, he formed a construction company and returned to college, receiving a pastoral certification. The next phase of his life found him ministering at a Presbyterian Church for 17 years. He was passionate about short-term mission trips, which specialized in rebuilding flood and wind-damaged homes, participating in over 30 trips and visiting 12 states in the process.

He had a plethora of interests, including occasionally dressing up as a woman, playing corn hole with kittens and eating. His favorite entrée was cherry pie. Free cherry pie to be exact. He was able to substitute his pastoral salary by frequently visiting a local Art Institute, where he posed for aspiring student-sculptors whose interest was creating images of Buddha. He loved to tell stories and freely admitted that a portion of what he said was true, but never disclosed which portion.

To the astonishment of many, 1997, he wed the love of his life. Quite often, he was quizzed as to how he was able to corral such a young beauty, and he admitted lying to her, claiming he was filthy rich. They were blessed with the birth of two children. Surviving, in addition to his wife and two children, are a brother and a sister.

Above all, his greatest love was that of his Lord Jesus Christ. And his most sincere wish was that everyone would come to know and love God as he did. In lieu of flowers, the family asks, for those who are willing, to attend a church of their choice, and secondly, to break wind in a public setting.

Visitation will be held from noon to 2 p.m., the time of service. Any person attending who cries will kindly be asked to vacate the premises.

SO WHAT WRITE YOU ?

This was a real obituary, with only the name of the deceased and his family kept private, though the obituary was very open and even more public.

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My name is Chuck Behrens, serving others to help others serve. I value your time and take your readership seriously. Follow along and together lets become Expert Members of Triple A: Accessible. Accountable. Available.