my girlfriend & I have been together about a yr,& things were great in the beggining, but now things are awful. We fight everyday about really stupid things, our sex life is no more, and she thinks I'm cheating...(which I'm not!!!)
We used to be really close & we used to hug, kiss & cuddle. But now we hardly do. I have brought up whats been happening & how I feel a million times, but it just ends in a huge fight. I've threatened to leave tons of times, & things will be good for maybe a day. Then it's back to the same crap. I'm really unhappy and I think she's just being with me cause she doesnt want to break up with me. I love her so much and when I think about not being with her it kills me. But on the other hand, I'm really unhappy and I want to be treated better. She never helps me out with anything...I cook, clean, do the laundry, everything...& I dont care to do any of these things, but she never appreciates anything. I gave up my car, job,MY LIFE to be with her and she makes me regret it. All I want is someone to love me and treat me good. This is my first relationship and she's the first girl I've been with, & it's not workin out so great. I would really appreciate any advice on what to do...thanks!!!

18Comments

One thing I've realised since all this, is that just because wer'e women, it doesn't make us imune from being b... , iether meeting them, or being one, we seem to think that we are all going to be happy, and the right to a great relationship is our exclusively because wer'e gay, it's not, it's no different from any other relationship that must be worked at, tolerated, and yes sometimes, less than perfect. The only difference is we all feel pressured to be in a relationship because there just arn't that many of us out there who are brave enough or able to comit. I'ts so bloody hard, and yes, totally unfair, but we just must not give up - or god help our kids eh sisters!xxx (scouser)

This response to for kim_rock: co-dependency is unhealthy at any level in a relationship. Weren't you happy and content before you met this person? Guess what you will still be happy without her. What you can live without is having your emotions in constant turmoil by staying with someone that has plainly told you that they are only interested in friendship. Now is your opportunity for self-growth and discovery. You've got to explore your interest, make some new friends, start a new hobby, do something you always wanted to do but didn't have the time or was afraid to do. And in time (at least 2-6 months), you will see the new you emerge! Remember it is no one else's responsibility to make and keep you happy. You have to own your own happiness and remain effective in the stream of life.
This part of my comment is for L Date: more than anything I'm concerned that you gave up your life to be in a relationship. This is surely a mistake because the pay-off is a loss of self-respect which can lead to self-loathing. We as woman have to slow down in the persuit of our happiness relationally with the women we are trying to get involved with, and actually do some good old fashioned courting, talking and creating intimacy through shared interest for more than two or three months. It really takes more time to get to know a person, than we typically are willing to devote when we are in the "not-living-togeher" stage. I suspect that your partner doesn't appreciate you because this is what you have demonstrated to her, that you don't appreciate your self. Self-respect is power and no one should ever give up the person that they are just to be with somebody. Relationships are about two people walking through life as active participants, with both of you giving, loving supporting and appreciating the other. Certainly not one person doing all of the giving, while the other does all of the receiving. This is unhealthy for you, and to stay in it will only increase emotional pain and prolong your time of healing so that you can move on.. You've got to physically leave this toxic relationship and not allow yourself to get back into another relationship until you have allowed yourself time to heal emotionally, set-up boundaries for things that you will absolutely not put up with in your next relationship and then learn to be friends first even if it takes six months to a year, don't be in a hurry-move slow. Typically when the dynamics of a relationship changes this quickly (moving from hot to cold), it generally can and does coincide with accusations of infidelity as well. Usually when a lover accuses another of infedility, it is usually the accuser that is cheating.....RUN QUICKLY! Two pieces of advice that is key to healing: 1) don't allow yourself to think about your ex girlfriend, and 2) don't allow yourself to talk about her-it is a mistake to do this, because what you allow to take up space in your mind will absolutely control you and lastly DON'T TAKE HER BACK!

listen mami you need to get out of that unhealthy relationship ive been there done that a million times it seems like and it only gets worse. and yeah it might get better for a day maybe even a week but it always goes back to the same thing. for real let it go now before it gets even worse who know if you guys go your seperate ways now you could still remain friends but stayin together in this toxic relationship is only killing both of you. it could also change your whole out look on relationships cause all u know now is bad unhealthy ones. and sorry girl i know you say love each other but thats not love at all. you need to go out meet other girls and i promise you, you will find someone to treat you right then you will see what a real relationship is about.

... well i just got out of a relationship were she did everything for me ( cook,clean, laundry.. etc..). at first it was great than 8 months into it she leaves. 5 days later she was back and said the pain killers she was on made her crazy and she didnt know what she was doin. well i took her back and 5 good months and the last month has been back. caught her talking to her ex girlfriend and it went south from there. the communication went and attitudes came out and than one day she says she needs some time alone and we had a big blow up. i never saw her act like that or treat me like that. she had the nerve to say i was selfish and only cared about myself. yet i was the only one working and making sure her and her kids had what they needed. so i decided that nite that i had enough so i packed my crap and left only to have her give me no explanation or even a comment about what happen. it is hard. i am 42 and I live in alabama were lesbians are hard to find.

OMG at all these comments. Im thinking, well searching for my first girl on girl committed relationship. At first I felt like It would be easy to love a woman and get the same love back in return. Why? because we are women,we are sentual, loveing, caring, understanding, affectionate, dependable human beings. I had no idea that lesbian relationships can have so many downsides. I almost want to revaluate my aim because I would hate for a woman to treat me like the men in my life. Im expecting a woman to fill the void that I have been missing while wasting time with a man. Am I wrong for feeling that way? I feel like a woman would be perfect for me. Im really sweet and caring and I think thats why the men in my life took advantage I couldnt bare a woman doing the same because I feel we love different, harder and more deeper than men.

Queserasera, thank you so much for making me feel better. I still live with my ex in hopes that we will get back together, and I'm realizing that it is because deep down I don't want to be alone. I too gave up so much for her. I moved countries just to be with her and now I'm stuck, well I feel stuck. But you are right I need to get out. Because I am going insane. Thanks again for responding you made me realize that these feelings are just fantasy's and that I should live for myself and not someone else.

It is rather amazing how many us are ready to date but cant seem to find each other. It is rather sad how many us remain in abusive relationships just because we are afraid of putting ourselves out there. While most of us are always looking for honesty, we really dont have the stomach honesty in others. May be if we just came out of our own preconceived notions we would find someone out there.

im going thru the same crap. but she decided to be just friends.
it kills me so badly. im still trying to get her back cos i cant live without her, i know the chance is small and i also know she might not respect me. but im going mentel. i want to try even if we wont be happy together. im ready to sacrifice. cos life is so much worse without her. i dont know what to do. I know everyone will ask me to get out of it but i just cant because im so madly in love with her.

I totally agree! I just left my partner after nine years! Yes NINE! I was just like you, i gave up EVERYTHING for her! For what, i still dont know. I did everything for her just like you and i am here to tell you from experience, nothing is going to change! Yes it hurts but GET OUT! You sound like an awesome woman an any woman would be lucky to have us!

Hey, I have the same sentiments. The first person I was with broke my heart with inconsiderate and selfish attitude. I did everything for her to try making her happy. I thought she would in turn make me happy. All I got was happiness when I did something for her. Then, the same stuff the next day. Hope you find the happiness you deserve but, that may not be it.

Well recently my girlfriend told me that she wanted to seperate...but the problem was i had to get it out of her. i knew all along that she wanted to seperate. happiness is key and if u r not happy then u know wat u need to do. Get out..hope everything works out..

yep... just get out if you are unhappy. you are just wasting your precious time repairing the damages in the end...you're still unhappy and will realized all the time you should have been happier with out her or with someone who really appreciates you.

I have just broken off from my gf after nearly 6 years. I knew we had problems but I never thought in a thousand years she would leave. Well she has and all that resentment and anger she felt I never guessed. What I have learnt from my relationship is that you have to work at it all the time and never take your partner for granted. Communication is a biggy and it has to be two ways. Its easy to say get out but if you luv her maybe try to get help before it is too late.

I had the same problems as you are experiencing. We broke up and few days ago after 5 and a half years, it will never change. They never stick to their change. It's best to walk away, hurt and heal than delay the inevitable and heartache.

...the only thing you can do is GET OUT !.. learn from the experience, and make better choices in the future. Never give up your life, your car, or your job for a relationship ! You can't lose your identity and retain your self respect simultaneously.
if you give up your self reliance, & become co-dependent w/ your partner- your confidence and appeal is diminished. Your partner begins disrespecting you as well....Not to mention all the fighting, ruining the intimacy you once shared...intimacy is more fragile than glass, it can get damaged beyond repair with just a few scathing words..after that trust and a sense of safeness about the relationship soon dies.
It is doomed, in fact, it is already dead, but neither of you is willing to face reality...or move on... You are living in a fantasy world if you think anybody's personality or behaviors are going to change... bottom line is that you are actually wasting your time being unhappy simply because you feel that "it's better than nothing"....or you're so terrified of being alone, that you allow & endure the abuse...which fuels more & more disrespect. I say GET OUT ! You will soon see a better life w/out her.