Saturday, 23 April 2016

Sexual loveman, Roberto Martinez, has had to put up with a lot of criticism this week after people realised he's actually really shit at being a football manager.

Everton were ripped apart in scenes not unlike the casting couch, as Liverpool asked simple questions and their defence responded by being banged all over a leather chair and not really enjoying it. Still, at the end at least they got paid. And that's the greatest gift of all.

Tottenham and England striker Harry Kane sent shockwaves through the footballing world this afternoon after admitting he was actually a whale shark posing as a Premier League footballer.

Whilst many conspiracy theorists had the 22-year-old down as some sort of aquatic being after many months of witnessing the deadly number 9 gliding about White Hart Lane with his mouth open, many were not prepared for today's revelation in an exclusive press conference.

"It's a relief to finally reveal to you all a secret I've been harbouring ever since I was born," said Kane.

"I am in fact a whale shark. Half-human, half-shark to be exact."

Whilst the Tottenham Hotspur press room looked on in amazement, the striker, who is at the time of writing a 20/1 outsider to win the Golden Boot at this year's Euro 2016 tournament in France, decided to clarify exactly what being half-human and half-shark really meant.

He said: "Just think of it like when Mr Spock from Star Trek was half-man and half-Vulcan, not full-Vulcan which is very a common misconception currently held about one of my favourite TV shows."

"Unlike most footballers, my favourite way to unwind after a match is to sit in a giant tank and gnaw on a blowfish or a piece of debris from a washing machine, I'm not too fussy."

Whilst the packed room of red-top newspaper journalists clamoured to ask the England starlet questions, the impromptu press conference was cut short after it emerged he was late for feeding time at a local Sea Life centre.

"He always seemed to play better in wet conditions which of course now makes perfect sense," said one onlooker following the conference.

"This revelation will certainly give Roy Hodgson a selection headache for this year's Euros. With team-mate Wayne Rooney also rumoured to be half-man, half-Cape Lobster, putting these two on the pitch at the same time could result in a blood bath."

With England's appearance at this year's Euro 2016 tournament now less than two months away, many Three Lions fans are applauding the bravery required to make such an announcement from their number one striker.

Kevin Nolan is said to be devastated that he has coincidentally picked up an ankle injury after being demoted to player from player manager, by evil emperor Francesco Becchetti, who is a person and not a biscuit.

Since being fired from the position of manager in order to "focus on playing", Kevin Nolan has unfortunately suffered the injury and had to miss all of Leyton Orient's recent fixtures, including the recent 3-2 win over Dagenham, which I actually went to.

Nolan said:

It's just the weirdest thing. One minute I was fine and then almost as soon as I was humiliated and made mr player instead of mr manager, suddenly my ankle fell off. It was bloody mental.

In that game against Dagenham I missed the first goal because I was having a pint and then the second because i left the stand early to get another pint. Clearly, the problem here is that Leyton Orient need allow me to drink pints in the stands.

Ronny Deila yesterday offered his thanks to all the Aberdeen players and staff who made his dream of winning the Scottish Premiership without even really trying possible - again - by losing to St Johnstone.

Just days after announcing that he would be leaving Celtic at the end of the season, Ronny was delighted Aberdeen gave up their last hopes of winning the title by conceding three goals against St Johnstone.

In a statement he said:

I'd like to thank all the aberdeen staff who made this league campaign so easy. I didn't have to put in any effort, was paid a boatload of cash and can now leave this cold, shitty country to live in one where the culture doesnt revolve around greggs and wetherspoons.

Aberdeen players were unavailable for comment on Friday night saying 'we need to get this bus back to town asap or the queue at Exodus will be too long to get in'.

Aston Villa chairman, or owner, or whatever he is, randy Randy Lerner, has apologised with a nice little letter to supporters of the club for ruining fucking everything.

Randy Lerner 'business person'

The American, described by Wikidia as a business person, in the same way that a car is a driving thing, is very disappointed that he isn't rolling in mad coin yo after hiring people like 'Tim Sherwood' and 'that guy Arsene Wenger knows' to try and make the club that nobody actually supports avoid relegation.

It's like hiring the Chuckle Brothers to investigate the Oscar Pistorius case and being disappointed when instead of gathering evidence, it's hilarious.

Message from the Owner.22nd Apr 2016A nagging sense of inevitability set in against Leicester City despite the late lead we enjoyed. Can't say why although I doubt I'm alone...How many seasons after all can one hold on and hope to slide through? That is not Aston Villa. That kind of desperate existence is totally unacceptable, unbearable and totally incompatible with Villa's glorious past. That is not what, or why, I looked to get involved back then and it is why I've looked for some time to make a change. I can say certainly in good faith that I have tried to sell since my May 2014 announcement and put our beloved club in better suited hands - but that hasn't happened.I write to Villa supporters to make clear that this relegation lies at my feet and no one else's. And because I believe in Aston Villa and know it will come back stronger and more able, with love and care for the community it serves, with the edge and attitude it must have to represent our history and tradition. Memories of Acorns on the shirt, and Ashley Young scoring a late winner against Everton still romantically nourish me. I know Villa will return better, stronger.I will continue to try to put the club into worthy hands as I have, and also do my best to position Villa for the quickest possible return to its rightful place among England's elite.R Lerner

I quite like the tone the letter but can understand why Aston Villa fans might be angry. It's because they live in Birmingham.

Wednesday, 20 April 2016

Manchester City are in the semi-finals of the Champions League. Strange, isn't it? Just ten years ago, the Blues finished 15th in the Premier League table and now they're on the cusp of European glory. And what have we learnt from City's rise to power? Money talks.

While this is correct, it would be harsh to take anything away from Manchester City after they went toe-to-toe with Paris Saint-Germain over two gruelling legs of football and came out on top. Kevin de Bruyne scored the only goal of the game in the second leg to secure City's passage to the next round and they will be full of confidence ahead of their semi-final clash.

It could be argued that Manuel Pellegrini's men have already exceeded all expectations by reaching the semi-finals, let alone the final on May 28th. Prior to this season, the Blues had failed to advance past the last-16 stage of the competition but they're now in with a real chance of defying the odds and lifting the crown in Milan.

As of April 14th, City are priced at 13/2 to win the competition in the football betting markets - largely due to their inexperience at the top of European football. Real Madrid, Bayern Munich and Atletico Madrid have all achieved plenty of success in the continent's elite club tournament in recent years, although Diego Simeone's men are yet to win the crown after letting a lead slip in injury-time against Real in the 2014 final.

However, that inexperience could play into City's hands. Being completely honest, Pellegrini's men probably didn't expect to get this far and should try to play without any pressure. At this level, of course there's always going to be pressure but City's semi-final opponents will be under more pressure - especially as City are the weakest side left in the competition.

Pellegrini's men can win the competition but they will need two key aspects to go their way. Firstly, they will need to be fortunate with injuries. If they lose key men between now and the semi-finals, they may struggle. City will need everybody fit to stand any chance of reaching the final. And in tandem with injuries, they will need plenty of luck. If City get lucky, they could emulate Chelsea's heroics in 2012 and lift the Champions League trophy for the first time.

Liverpool are one of the in-form teams in the Premier League and everything seems to be coming together for them now as the finish line approaches. Had Jurgen Klopp been appointed as manager last summer, the Reds could be in an even better position now. The Klopp-factor is finally evident at Anfield and it spells good news for the future of the club.

In one of the most one-sided Merseyside derbies to date, Klopp’s high-octane Liverpool went out all guns blazing in the style that fans have become accustomed to in recent weeks. Although the final result was 4-0 to the Reds, they could have easily found themselves seven or eight goals ahead had it not been for some fine saves from the Everton goalkeeper, Joel Robles. The emergence of Divock Origi as a more than capable striker, and the return of the clinical Daniel Sturridge, have given the team a great boost as they still remain in the hunt for fourth spot and a Europa League title.

Brendan Rodgers landed two of the signings of the season last summer when he coaxed James Milner and Roberto Firmino to Anfield. Klopp has now moulded these players to his style and both of them seem to act as conduits to the German as they represent his “heavy metal” football on the pitch.

It’s these immensely skilful, hungry, and passionate players that are perhaps the reason that Liverpool are at odds of 9/5 to win the Europa League with 32red UK at the time of writing. Their main rivals, Sevilla and Villarreal, are at 7/4 and 7/2, respectively. After having beaten the previous tournament favourites, Borussia Dortmund, in the last round, Liverpool will have the belief they can go all the way and qualify for the Champions League by winning the Europa League.

Should they fail to find a way into Europe’s elite competition through that route, there is still an outside chance that Liverpool could gain entry through a top-four finish in the league. The race for those coveted Champions League spots could go down to the final week of the season and Liverpool are at odds of 12/1 with 32red and Unibet to knock either Manchester City or Arsenal out of the race. All of Liverpool’s remaining games in the league look winnable on their current form and the side have also shown that, even through heavy rotation to accommodate mid-week fixtures, they can remain cohesive.

If the Reds win every game from now until the end of the season they will finish on 69 points, which could be enough to secure fourth spot. This would be an improvement on last season’s points tally of 62 that saw them finish in sixth place and could mark the start of a rise back up to elite status.

There is excitement and anticipation surrounding Anfield in regards to Klopp’s first full season in charge in the next campaign. There is no doubt that he will be busy in the transfer market, looking to find reinforcements in weak areas and offloading some of the players that have become surplus to requirements. Rumours even suggest that he may be able to convince some of his former players to join him on Merseyside.

If Klopp can offer Champions League football, this will make trying to attract some of the world’s best players to the club a lot easier. With such immense uncertainty over Sturridge’s fitness, and the fact that the player has only played in just over 66 league games for the club since joining in 2013, Klopp will more than likely be looking to sign another top striker for the season ahead. Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang is one of the world’s hottest forwards and it is almost a certainty that the Gabonese speedster will make a big-money move to one of Europe’s elite clubs in the summer. With Klopp having previously coached the player at Dortmund, fans are hopeful there is a chance that they may be able to sign him. Although Liverpool may not be able to meet the £75million fee.

Of course, there are plenty of other players who will be on Klopp’s radar and it will be an exciting transfer window. Judging by Klopp’s record in England so far in half a season, things are looking promising for his first full term in charge.

Thursday, 14 April 2016

Aston Villa have taken radical steps to make it seem like they're more fussed about the financial loss of relegation than actually being relegated, by banning some sort of internet poll they were going to have.

I've never met Joleon Lescott but he sounds like a really nice guy. Even though his head is enormous and weird, like if that klingon from star trek had gigantism, Lescott is just one of the many Aston Villa players Giving FOotballers A Bad Name. I say give prisoners footballer's wages - haven't they suffered enough? All they've done is commit crimes - Lescott has sent pictures of his fucking car on Twitter! WHERE DOES IT END?!

so what they've done is not have a 'player of the season award' or party as punishment for all the players being fucking useless. If it were up to me, I'd have a 'which player deserves to be fired from a catapult into the town square' but actually thinking about it even I'm not cruel enough to make anyone actually go into birmingham. The thought alone gives me shivers.

The France football federations (the feds for short) has banned Karim Benzema from all of France 2016 and said he must never return for he has brought great shame to his family, and also because he was ALLEGEDLY holding a teammate ransom over an adult video in which he starred, like when your friend shows you this video of these two people banging who work for the same company as them but you don't try and blackmail them so really it's not quite the same. Quite the story.

The news will come as a shock most of all to Karim Benzema, who until now had quite enjoyed being French. In a statement he said:

And then he rode off into the sunset and looked at instagram for a while. then a bit of twitter, bbc sport, twitter again, the daily mail website, a football forum, about 40 minutes of reddit and then various porn videos until he found one he liked oh no hang on i see what i've done here. I dont' know what Benzema actually did. But it's probably similar. Except it's like 'les sport'.

Barcelona were punted out of the Champions League on Wednesday evening as they forgot they are actually supposed to be really good and very wealthy, losing to a team who tries really hard instead. Like society in reverse or a Jeremy Corbyn dream.

Leo Messi was actually largely anonymous throughout and played a lot like someone currently undergoing a massive fraudulent tax investigation. The classic signs were all there - slow, playing through the middle and not scoring goals. Clearly he is worried that inland revenue people were there to take away his freedom.

Now that Barcelona have lost to Atletico Madrid, it is time to announce that Atletico are the best team in the world and will win the champions cup, using it to drink the blood of their enemies. Or as the judge in my unrelated and ongoing court case keeps making me call them, "the innocent victims on that dreadful night".

Sunday, 3 April 2016

Cristiano Ronaldo won the trophy for best man in Spain last night as his 85th minute goal secured a vital three points for Zinedine Zidane in El Clasico, which is spelt with one S and not two.

I'm pretty sure I would full on bang Ronaldo if the opportunity arose, so to speak. I'm in a club and Ronaldo walks over and says 'can I buy you a drink' and I'm like 'WHAT? SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU' and he goes 'CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?' and I say 'UHHH YEH LIKE A BEER OR SOMETHING' and he comes back with a beer and a water for himself obvs but already I'm fucked off by how bad the music is so I go 'IT'S SO LOUD I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING' and then I guess I just fuck him in the toilets or something. I don't mind. Maybe outside?

A London based doctor called Dr Bonar has been exposed by The Times as having allegedly supplied Performance Enhancing Drugs to various unnamed Premier League footballers from Arsenal, Chelsea, Leicester and Birmingham.

Noone has actually being named as having been supplied the drugs but if I had to make an educated guess I'd say that judging by their persona, Chelsea players were given a ton of gak, Arsenal some sort of bone weakener and Birmingham were fed fucking elephant tranquillisers. Utterly shite.

This guy looks like he grabs girl's asses in nightclubs then orders a vodka and coke for him and his mate, who is always a really short guy who makes you feel weird when your mate introduces you to him. He usually likes cars and you're never sure what his actual job is. What is the point of vodka and coke? Get a real drink you cunts.

Gabriel Agbonlahor has been suspended by Aston Villa for smoking a shisha pipe or something else equally lame.

Aberdeen legend Eric Black has taken charge of Aston Villa and made the decision as Agbonlahor was caught smoking the shisha, presumably surrounded by teenagers wearing jumpers with a skull on them in their dad's garden shed. Eric Black has the easiest job in the world right now, absolutely nobody expects him to pull off any miracles with Aston Villa - they are easily the worst Premier League team I've seen.

None of them give a shit, all of them are below average and basically if it weren't against the rules, I'd honestly not be surprised if they just gave up and started getting ready for next season now anyway. A bit like a Fifa online rage quit except instead of punching their cupboard and then going outside to cool down, they have to keep being Aston Villa forever.

Saturday, 2 April 2016

After the usual highs and lows with England, it is back to the Premier League as the final stretch begins on what has been the most fascinating season for years. This weekend could be pivotal to deciding where the Premier League trophy will end up, Leicester host Champions League chasing Southampton, while Spurs face a tough trip to Anfield. Whilst at the bottom Norwich host Newcastle in a huge relegation clash.

Starting at the top though, and this will probably seem like another Leicester City to win the Premier League article, but it really is hard to see the Foxes’ slipping up. With Spurs in action first, on Saturday evening away to Liverpool, the result could be crucial in Leicester’s mind-set. Defeat for Spurs would allow the East Midlands outfit to open up an eight-point gap, with just six games to play. Title-race over, surely. However, should Spurs win at the fairly unpredictable Liverpool, then Leicester will approach their encounter against Southampton with just a two-point lead and the pressure will be firmly on them. Mauricio Pochettino will be delighted to welcome his key England quartet, Harry Kane, Danny Rose, Dele Alli and Eric Dier back unscathed after their heroics in Berlin last week, with the focus on Alli and Kane in particular to get the goals. Despite that, they are slight outsiders heading to Merseyside in the latest Premier League odds. But, with Jürgen Klopp returning to Dortmund on Thursday, Spurs fans will hope the German has one on eye on Europa League glory and may choose to rest some of his stars, particularly Phillipe Coutinho who was away in South America with Brazil.

Elsewhere on Saturday, Arsenal host Watford, the side who dashed their FA Cup hopes, as they frantically try to stay in the title race. Manchester City go to Bournemouth as they now focus firmly on ensuring Pep Guardiola will be arriving at a Champions League club in the summer. Though the pick of the games at 3pm on Saturday surely will arrive at Carrow Road. Rafa Benitez takes his side to Norwich for an afternoon that promises to be tense, nervy and dramatic as the Geordies look to climb out of the bottom three. They were dealt a huge blow in the week with Rob Elliot joining first choice keeper Tim Krul on the treatment table, with his season over, so Karl Darlow will stand in. Sandwiched between those two are Newcastle’s north-east rivals Sunderland who host West Brom, in what Sam Allardyce must have down as a must-win.

Then all eyes will be on Leicester, Southampton will provide a real test, their stunning comeback last time out against Liverpool has left them four points off Manchester City in fourth. The introduction of Victor Wanyama and Sadio Mane in particular changed that game so expect both to start at the King Power stadium. After that Manchester United host Everton to conclude the weekend games as they too look to close in on the final Champions League spot available.