The full story...

Men urged to confront violent mates

MARK COLVIN: Police statistics say that every week in Australia, a person dies at the hands of a spouse, or an ex-spouse. And despite years of awareness campaigning, the statistics around domestic violence have not changed much.

Now, campaigners are appealing to men to confront potential perpetrators.

TAMARA WENHAM: I never saw any healthy, loving relationships in my own childhood and I also, you know, my own lack of self esteem, so I was a perfect target for someone like my ex-husband.

ANNIE GUEST: They married when she 19 and had two children.

Tamara Wenham endured 12 years of psychological and sexual abuse.

TAMARA WENHAM: And on his last night at home he crushed sleeping tablets into my pie that he'd made which rendered me in and out of consciousness for the night and through the course of that night he repeatedly raped me and was really verbally abusive and took photos of me in demoralising positions.

ANNIE GUEST: Five years later she went to police, and her ex-husband was jailed for seven years.

Thirty-four year old Tamara Wenham is part of some grim statistics about domestic violence, according to Queensland Police superintendent Andy Morrow.

ANDY MORROW: About one in three women, by the time they reach adulthood, have been the victim of some type of domestic violence. That's a pretty staggering statistic.

I think what's even more staggering is that each week in Australia we calculate that one person, one person in a domestic relationship is killed by their partner or previous partner.

ANNIE GUEST: One man whose abusive behaviour stopped before it became fatal is Matt Bolton.

He and his wife began their marriage running a small business and he felt out of his depth and trapped. The stress and arguments escalated.

MATT BOLTON: I wasn't really aware of how subtly conflicts were getting worse and worse. There were things that I said I would never say to a woman or, you know, when things got physical I was probably as shocked as anyone.

ANNIE GUEST: Matt Bolton's wife left.

MATT BOLTON: And I did have some guys that were honest enough to be good friends and confront, you know, what they thought was going on. That led me on a path to change.

ANNIE GUEST: At domestic violence counselling he met men from all walks of life and learnt about violence.

MATT BOLTON: Sometimes we'll reach for any tool that makes us feel like we've got some sense of control of something.

ANNIE GUEST: That was more than 20 years ago. The marriage rekindled and he hasn't abused his wife again.

Mr Bolton urges other men to confront perpetrators the way his friends confronted him and that's backed by police superintendent Andy Morrow.

ANDY MORROW: Particularly males are in situations and environments where they can see, they can identify, the sort of stereotypes or the sort of pro-domestic violence discussion, words, behaviours, and can call that for what it is.

ANNIE GUEST: For those men who don't know how to step in, what should they say?

ANDY MORROW: Yeah, look, it's a difficult one to say in every case. But begin that discussion away from the sorts of things said that might tend to prop up or unconsciously support a domestic violence approach.

ANNIE GUEST: However, it's a long road ahead, if this recording from a Melbourne bus trip last weekend is anything to go by. It was uploaded on the internet and apparently starts after French women sang playfully from the back of the bus.

(excerpt of recording)

MAN ON BUS: English mate. (Beep).

FEMALE SPEAKING: (inaudible)

MAN ON BUS: You know, SOD - speak English or die (Beep).

(end excerpt)

ANNIE GUEST: Others joined the racist, sexist rant, including a man wheeling a pram, but there's little sign anyone stood up to them. The man who recorded it is reported as saying to speak up would have made it worse.

(excerpt of recording)

SECOND MAN ON BUS: Because just about everyone on the bus wants to kill ya'. And you're gonna have to get off eventually, bitch. You worked that out yet?

(thumps and sound of window breaking)

MAN: Hey!

(end of excerpt)

ANNIE GUEST: Meanwhile, this Sunday is White Ribbon Day - part of a campaign to educate men about domestic violence.

The former victim Tamara Wenham believes their awareness is the key to stopping the scourge.

TAMARA WENHAM: For our fellow man to step up and say, "Hey we don't treat women that way," I think that can be a really powerful voice and it's something that affects everybody, whether you're a man or a woman, and I think it's kind of about time I guess that men start to lead the way in making these changes.

ANNIE GUEST: Ms Wenham describes her recovery from domestic violence as a work in progress.

She has qualified as a social worker and now helps other victims of domestic violence.