Fantasy Football time

September means that it’s football time, which also means, of course, that it’s Fantasy Football time. If I were going to create a fantasy football, this is what it would be like:

Real N.F.L. footballs are made out of leather. My fantasy football is made out of brushed stainless steel.

A real football is an ovalish shape, with pointed ends. This is crazy. That’s why players have to wear all of that protective equipment. Mine would be a rectangular box with slightly rounded corners. It’s not supposed to be used in any kind of game. Despite being made out of stainless steel, it has that soft, lived-in feel of worn leather, just in case somebody throws it and you have to catch it. But it’s my fantasy, so nobody throws it.

Instead of laces, it’s got an 100G iPod, with a little pocket that stores the headphones. The headphones wrap up perfectly every time, with no frustrating tangling or knotting.

My football has tech support, and when you call the toll-free number there is a recording that says, “For quality purposes, this call may be recorded in the voice of James Earl Jones.”

My football is filled with guacamole. It’s always fresh and delicious.

Also on the inside is a copy of Dr. Seuss’s “On Beyond Zebra.” It never touches the guacamole. Dr. Seuss signed the book with the inscription “To Drew—sorry I stole the idea from you. Here’s a generous six-figure check.” I never actually cash the check, but it’s always there.

My fantasy football will contain several headbands made not of elastic cotton, but of of fine merino wool, because sometimes you are attending a formal occasion, like a wedding, but you still want to wear a headband.

Lastly, my fantasy football will host SNL more times than Alec Baldwin, so you know that even for a football that’s not real, it’s still pretty good.

Drew Dernavich is a cartoonist. He has been contributing to The New Yorker since 2002 and has published over two hundred and fifty cartoons.