Nick Clegg is expected to deliver a tearjerker of a speech at the Liberal Democrats Party Conference this afternoon, responding to the number of times Cameron has been “nasty” to him by promising to raise the capital gains tax for the wealthiest and increase the personal allowance to “see how he likes it”. After spending years playing political mistress to Cameron it would seem Clegg is at the end of his tether, progressing into next year’s general election as a single man and with the plea: “I just want to be loved”.

Rumours have been rife throughout the political party season that a break up may be on the cards for Clegg and Cameron, affectionately known as Clameron. The news has supposedly hit Clegg like a sack of shit, with Vince Cable up late most nights to comfort the Deputy Prime Minister. Leaked recordings of Clegg’s baby monitor revealed muffled cries of “I sold my sole to the devil for him” and the more aggressive “I wouldn’t get this shit from Farage”.

Reporters outside Clegg’s hotel in Glasgow managed to overhear a chance meeting with Ed Miliband who’d raced up from Birmingham with Douglas Alexander for an intervention after hearing Clegg had been flirting with UKIP politicians. “I’d given up everything I believed in for Cameron,” Clegg said. “I gave him the NHS, I gave up my dreams to provide free education to the masses. But worst of all, I gave up a piece of myself. And after all those years of courting, years of wearing my best tie to the bone, only to be told that we might not be together come May, you can forgive me for trying to commit political suicide.”

Clegg was seen trying his best moves with Alexander, with leaked photographs of a dishevelled man with puffy eyes pulling at the Shadow Foreign Secretary’s tie. The more likely target, Leader of the Labour Party Ed Miliband, was said to be “too nasal” for Clegg’s liking, although he was seen poking at the grey streak of hair on his head whilst laughing hysterically.

The Deputy Prime Minister is set to make the final speech of a Lib Dem Party Conference that has been dubbed ‘Boreathon’ by attendees. To shake things up and as an expression of angst, Clegg is expected to deliver a ‘grand finale’ to convey his tale of woe, arriving for an encore on a giant wrecking ball dressed only in his favourite tie. He said Miley Cyrus had spoke to him in his time of need and her album Bangerz has pretty much been on repeat since Cameron had started to get “tetchy” with him last month.

Joe is a freelance journalist who writes news and features for national newspapers and a variety of magazine titles. He studied Economics and Politics at the University of Manchester and also has a Masters in Journalism from the University of Newcastle-upon-Tyne.