MONTREAL, QC — As he slid his denim overalls over his bright yellow sweater while dancing to Q Lazzarus’s “Goodbye Horses,” Lain McNeal whispered to himself, “Would you fuck me? I would fuck me.” Though Mr. McNeal’s costume was not of the gory or scary variety, partygoers unanimously agreed there was something deeply disturbing about seeing a grown ass man dressed as a Minion from the popular Despicable Me series.

Every time Lain shouted “Banana!” over the music, the entire party shuddered and asked, “What dark forces have conspired to make this man dress up as a character from a children’s movie that has unequivocally faded from the cultural zeitgeist?”

OTTAWA – Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk issued a statement through the organization asking the few remaining members of the Sens Army for another liver.

In 2015, the Barbados-based billionaire issued a public plea through his NHL team to help him find a willing live liver donor and successfully skipped the 200-plus waitlist. With Senators fans reeling from the blockbuster trade that shipped Erik Karlsson out of Ottawa, Melnyk saw a perfect opportunity to get the fanbase to rally around him once again.

“I do not need a liver transplant. My doctors tell me I’m in perfect health,” Melnyk said. “But I feel like I may need another liver in the future, and today–the day after we finally rid ourselves of a once-in-a-generation talent off the books–seemed like the perfect time to do it.”

SPRINGFIELD, MASSACHUSETTS – This Friday, Canadian basketball icon Steve Nash will be enshrined in the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame and the honour has inspired hundreds of Nash’s countrymen from coast to coast to also strive for greatness without completing their ultimate goal.

“The real dream for any NBA player is to win a championship,” Reggie Wallace, a high school basketball coach from Nash’s hometown of Victoria, BC, said. “For Steve to receive this honour with only two MVPs, eight All-Star game appearances, ranking third all-time in assists and zero championships is special.”

OTTAWA — Following the tranquilization and removal of a bear roaming around Ottawa’s ByWard Market neighbourhood, the City of Ottawa announced that it has exceeded its excitement quota for the year.

The city goes to great lengths to track the excitement levels of both residents and the media to protect its traditional charm. If the level of excitement exceeds its allocated annual limit, the city risks devolving into a cosmopolitan metropolis complete with culture and other nefarious forms of pandemonium.

TORONTO – Popular travel blogger Anderson Patrick Cole has decided to document his most exhilarating adventure yet: a three-week staycation at home, spent lying in his own filth.

“I have been very fortunate to travel all over the world,” he wrote at the top of his staycation post. “But when I saw how much debt I’ve accrued from buying camera equipment and plane tickets almost nonstop for the last ten years, I figured it was time to let my crippling economic-anxiety take over and show my fans how they can have an adventure right in their own homes.”

VANCOUVER – Staff at local tech startup Coral Solutions were shocked to learn on Friday that Cupcake, the 5-year-old pug that had been with the company for over two years, had formally submitted her letter of resignation.

VANCOUVER – After a successfully ubiquitous, cross-platform ad campaign that asked consumers if they are good #inspirementalists, the brand Inspirementalism Inc. has enjoyed unprecedented growth. However, many that have visited the ‘About Us’ page on their website have left with more questions than answers.

OTTAWA – The Canada Council for the Arts announced a controversial new grant in hopes of branching out into new media while leaving the future of Canadian theatre uncertain. The funding previously allocated to live stage productions has been cut in favour of providing pet owners who share photos and videos of their pets wearing hats with over $50,000 to expand their social reach.

TORONTO – When Mercury is in retrograde, it appears as though the planet closest to the sun is orbiting the Earth backwards. This phenomenon has become a catchall explanation for why people, particularly millennials, endure heightened hardships four-times a year, but a new report suggests that Mercury’s orbit might not be the problem.

Being born a 17-year-old girl trapped in a baby’s body is no way to begin a life. That is why she was born a baby trapped inside baby’s body and aged accordingly with the natural passage of time.

In spite of the normal way her cells multiplied and died, she is both a vision of the future--like robots powered by rap music--and a memory of a past life--unknowable because life begins at conception and not in the past.

She is naked even when fully clothed.

She recalls a song, one that I have not heard but I’m pretty goes like this: “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” Ah the key of E. Romantic to ears of laymen but violent to the refined aural palette.

She enters the story by water taxi. Venice.

The city reeks of Thomas Mann metaphors for death until she arrives. The stench is replaced by her new fragrance endorsement. It is as delicate as America’s relationship with family restaurants. It hints at a promise of happiness and togetherness yet only consistently delivers on curly fries. It is ravishing even when she reveals that a bad ragu from the night before has given her the baddest bout of gas since starring in last summer’s smash hit Sideblind, wherein she captivated audiences as a woman who prevailed in inspiring millions by the sheer whiteness of her skin. If there is a lesson to be learned here, it is that a flatulent femme is no less fatale.

We sit down, coincidentally back at the scene of the bad ragu. As a precaution, all she orders is 3 ounces of lemon juice. She dismisses the server with a thank you and her eyes, painfully blue eyes, lock on to me. When they do, all time stops. Her eyes are huge and alien. Her head, on the whole, is also huge and alien. Too big for her narrow shoulders and impossibly skinny waist, which, now as I recall it, also seems alien.

Are you an alien? I ask her.

She laughs, but only out of politeness, as all good princesses and pilgrims should.

Noshe replies in a manner so effervescent that I nearly pour out my prosecco fearing that it’s turned to piss in the presence of a reply so pure.

In spite of all the ways being in her presence reminds that nothing burns hotter or brighter than a celestial body, there is a darkness looming. Few starlets have followed in Roman Polanski’s footsteps, and by that I am referring to not letting life as a fugitive get in her way of making great art and nothing more. Life on the lamb has turned her into something beyond celebrity. Messiah? Lady Madonna? A beaujolais blended with a cabernet wrapped in an enigma?

I don’t want to ask her about her weight directly so I hint at it, asking her if it was hard to find a man at her current size.

Her legs, long and uncrossed like a third wave allongée, slid from underneath the table. I can’t help but marvel once she stands, looking like Venus in all her glory, propped up by two Chanel leather foot spears. Did she take two steps towards me? She must have, but who can really say with confidence that her strides aren’t really glides?

She leans over me, using the change in light to become an Audrey Hepburn mirage. Our own little Roman holiday in Venice of all places. And as I fell under the apparition’s spell of defining feminine glamour for all of fucking eternity, she stuck a shiv right into my sternum. Ouchie.

Now that’s what I call a Breakfast at Tiffany’s, I quipped. Were you in that movie?

She paused to think a moment, said goodbye and caught a gondola to the next non-extradition country on her conquest.