Sunday, March 20, 2011

Just gotta get right out of here

I took the title for this post from a Queen song because that's what I'm listening to right now.

I'm officially in a slump, I'd say. I'm depressed, I still haven't gotten back on track with my meds so I'm bingeing round the clock and wanting to cry my eyes out at the drop of a fucking hat anytime I think about what I must look like now. I refuse to wear anything besides pajamas or sweats, my room looks like what Japan probably looks like right about now, and tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr. Gordon and I'll have to tell her all this and oh my god I just want to die die die die die die.

I'm never going to get better. Forget the eating disorder, I've completely lost my mind and there is absolutely no hope. Think about it. How many times have I claimed to be "doing better" or "getting back on track" and then something horrible happens and it all falls to pieces? Too many times to count.

The weird part is, I'm outwardly calm and pleasant right now. I was laughing and joking with Mina at the ice cream store, being polite to customers, and totally keeping it together despite the fact that I've lost the ability to form coherent thoughts or feelings. My chest is tight and a part of me wants to cry and scream but I just can't seem to even muster the strength to do those. I literally live this little snow globe existence of a life- settled and normal one day, then shaken up and thrown around the next. And the worst part is, I'm the one shaking the snow globe around!!! Ugh. I realize that sounds ridiculous but in my head it's how I picture it.

I'm totally at a loss for what to do. I think I might start training for the next Boston marathon. Not the NEXT one, but maybe the next next one. I feel like I need something to commit to besides weight loss and recovery and all that other horse shit I'm always yammering on about. I think I could commit to becoming a runner and maybe I'll become really good someday. Plus, running is fun and I need more good wholesome fun. I should probably sort some of the more pressing issues out first though (like the insanity and my overdue parking tickets), before embarking on any new game plans for life.

1 comment:

Gosh I hear you on so MANY levels, I felt like I could have written the post myself, I love the snow globe analogy, ( im going to steal it :) )...you are not insane, although I completely get how it can completely feel that way, just went through it myself, MENTAL ILLNESS SUCKS!!! But your brave, you keep fighting, fall down 7 times stand up 8, thats the kind of girl I think you are, the one that stands up 8!