Welcome To Divorce Recovery

Here you will find blog posts on resources to help you recover from your divorce. I hope you find it helpful. This website has evolved from focusing on the doom and gloom of divorce (blech!) to now post divorce and recovery (yay!) because all of us eventually get to a point where we say "no more" to just surviving and oh holy yes to thriving! It's time. Let's get there. ​

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Oh my goodness, ya'll. This post is going to be a doozy, lol. I read this book by Devon Franklin titled The Truth About Men and it was so eye opening. I was honestly stunned at how honestly transparent and bare it all even if it's ugly truth he was in it regarding men in general and also specifically husbands and how they struggle with lust every single day. Read that sentence again. Every single day. I knew we as a society were in trouble but seriously after reading this book if you have boys you are raising please start praying for them daily to be the man God wants him to be if you are not already. Because we are failing boys. Fathers are failing boys. Boys are in serious trouble and don't stand a chance at being good husbands if we do not start taking the lustful behavior of men seriously and teach young boys the value of self discipline and putting sacrifice above instant self gratification. This needs to be an ongoing conversation with boys as they transition into tween then teen years and as they hit their twenties. Our future as a healthy functioning and emotionally intelligent society depends on it.

So what's the big deal, you ask? Well, it turns out that lust is an even bigger problem for men than I even thought. I guess I did not have a clue that it was a daily inner battle for all men of all ages and men who are single, married and that have been married forever and a day. Devon Franklin talks in his book about how shocked he was himself at how after his wedding and getting married he honestly assumed that he would no longer have lustful thoughts about any women and the first time one entered his mind post wedding day he was shocked; he shares how he felt terrible guilt and did not know what to do with this sinking feeling that he had somehow innocently enough failed miserably at honoring and loving his wife. He describes of how he thought all lustful thoughts would automatically shut off post wedding and had struggled with wondering how on earth while growing up his own father had crushingly cheated on his mother with another female family member... something that hurt him terribly and that lead him to the path he took with writing this book. He was tired of seeing all his female family members speak of the pain they were enduring while in their intimate relationships and being hurt by men who would not stay faithful. He wanted what he has learned through his own life experience to help other men open their eyes to what men are being shamefully silent about and not discussing yet that desperately needs to be talked openly about and brought out of the shadows and into the light where it cannot hide any longer. I could literally feel his pain and hurt as he described how impacting his father's infidelity was on his childhood, his upbringing, his view of women and relationships and how men must strive to do better. I applaud that he is writing with such transparency and letting women into the reality of men.
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Devon shares how he knew going into his own marriage to his wife Meagan that if he was not self-disciplined during the time they dated (meaning choosing celibacy and not giving into lustful self gratification with her but instead choosing sacrifice and true Godly love and discipline) that there was no way he would be able to hold himself to that standard once they were married. I really love that point and how honest he is in this book. There were some things I did not like that he said (I'll get to those in a bit) and that I do not agree with but I did really appreciate his total transparency and being so forthright. I agree that if a man we're dating is not disciplined during the courtship he will not be during the marriage. I believe this is so incredibly important and a character trait that women need to look for and would greatly benefit from as it gives her a greater feeling of security and trust with him. I believe if more men were willing to wait and sacrifice and not rush everything physically during dating then more marriages would be successful. I believe that men want to lead but often what ends up happening is they are not disciplined and instead of leading their girlfriend and potential wife into a garden of fruit (and life) they are instead leading her to the bedroom and a outcome of sin and decay.

In his book Devon writes of how men need to be self disciplined and like anything must put that into action. If he's tempted with the guys because they frequent strip clubs then he needs new friends. Duh. He talks of how if men are tempted by the bar on the way home from work and possibly meeting women then he needs to find a new route to drive home. Duh again. He recommends that if men are tempted to cheat on their wife when traveling for work he needs accountability like his wife needs to travel with him or a good trusted male friend or co-worker that is a good influence. Basically men need to take their routine into account and who they associate with and if there are red flags there that means they need to make adjustments or outright changes to help them become better equipped to stay strong and turn their back on lust and temptation. All of this stands to reason and makes so much logical sense. I believe the BIGGEST question is will most men do these things? I don't know... if they are smart they will. If they value their wife they will. If they are emotionally healthy they will. But if they have any sort of self identity issues, self loathing and worthlessness hiding inside them they probably won't. Why? Because men who don't feel good about themselves and feel the need for an ego boost to feel better however fleeting likely won't make the necessary changes they need to make. Instead it's easier to blame their wife for not doing x,y,z or whatever to stroke their ego and cheat. Ridiculous? Yes. Unrealistic? No.

I took issue with his book in which he discusses why wives need to check in with their husbands during the day. That husbands need that connection and reminder that you're there; that amidst the pressures he is enduring at work during his work day you are his soft spot and there for him. I felt like Devon kind of makes it partly the wife's responsibility here that if she's not doing this that she's easily forgotten by him during his work day and then the husband might be more susceptible to cheating if she's not checking in. That may or may not have been his intention but that is how I read it and understood it. If that is how he meant for it to be conveyed then I have issue with it. I definitely think it's okay for husbands and wives to check in during the day once and make sure everything is okay, let them know you're thinking of them and touch base if there's anything needed on the way home for dinner, or plans for the kids etc. Like I wrote, one check in a day for me would have been plenty. But maybe I was a low key wife and didn't need a lot of reassurance etc. Some husbands and wives require much more interaction. You have to do what works best for your personal situation. For me, I don't require much in terms of touching base during a work day. This was an issue in my own marriage. He wanted a lot more interaction. He wanted me texting, calling and coming by his work regularly. I refused. I was busy with either working part time, tending to the kids, chauffeuring kids to and from school, shopping, decorating our home, doing crafts (scrapbooks for the kids) cooking, baking, cleaning the home, gardening etc. Some days I just wanted a mini break and quiet time at home to relax and regroup. I am usually very happy and content in my element and once deeply delved into what I'm doing I become super hyper focused. I found any massaging of ego an interruption and did not fare well in this aspect of marriage. I was very much of the attitude "you do your thing, I'll do mine and we can catch up tonight!". I firmly believe marriage is a joining of two lives and at the end of the day sharing those individual separate experiences first gives each other space and breathing room and then ultimately brings you closer together. Unfortunately if you're not paired well in this area (one is prone to feeling stifled and is dismissive attachment and the other one is anxious attachment) it has the potential to become a huge source of contention which it did. He kept pushing for more interaction and I pushed back. (I see this behavior as too needy for me personally and I still stand by that). I really did not see an issue with my stance and honestly I think if you are paired well it works. But if you're not major problems ensue and unfortunately the wife is typically the one who is expected to bend and change and if you don't the marriage fails. I think basically it comes down to we must be paired well and both spouses must be VERY secure in who they are and not require ANY self worth or ego boost from their spouse. If we can live out our marriage without projecting the responsibility of our own loyal behavior onto our partner we will be successful in our love life. I don't believe wives or husbands are responsible for their partners fidelity or infidelity... we must take personal ownership of ourselves and our own actions and also self discipline ourselves. Because when we don't do this and instead try to fling it off onto the one we supposedly love we end up going into the arena of narcissism and that is not a pretty place to be at all.

And narcissism leads me to this next part. Man is always wanting what he wants. That is the narcissistic ego within that is hungry and wants to be fed NOW! We know the possible perils of instant gratification. Man has wants and desires and Devon talks of how every man has a dog within. That's basically the premise of his entire book; the dog within each man that struggles with being mastered or just allowed to play and get into trouble. He talks how all men must be the master of the dog within him or else he risks being controlled by the dog and the dog will run all over his yard and yikes... likely get loose. He must set up a fence of protection around his yard to keep other pretty dogs out (other women besides his wife) and get disciplined. He speaks on how men are possibly self disciplined in other areas like fitness and healthy eating and work and deadlines but then when it comes to containing his lustful behavior he falls short... in fact, he likely doesn't even have a plan! And we know by the high rate of infidelity and divorce that having zero plan puts couples at an extremely high risk of failing and splitting up including hurting their family dynamic meaning children. Devon talks of how husbands must get their priorities straight and realize that if he truly values what he's built with his wife he will slow down and take note of that when he feels tempted. He says very clearly that if you feel tempted you need to take an honest look at how your wife will react if she discovers you've been disloyal. The truth is you may not even be given a chance to explain. That is the honest to goodness truth. Not every man does. Some men come home to find their clothes strewn on the yard, the door locks changed and a call to his mother about what he's done. Some men get served at work in front of all their co-workers and humiliated. Some men walk out of work to find a sticky note saying 'don't come home, I hope she was worth it' stuck to their windshield. Bottom line is when deep hurts happen and emotions are high don't (and cannot) expect rational conversation and patient waiting for explanations from a wife. You likely won't get that. Likely the next time your phone rings it will be your spouse's attorney with what she's demanding in a settlement. So when it's stressed to you as a husband you need to have a plan put in place to prevent infidelity from ever taking place in your marriage I say it so incredibly seriously as Devon does as well in his book. It's vital. You must believe this like your life depends on it. Because it does.

So really I appreciate Devon's honesty in his book and it gives women who haven't married yet a very clear expectation of this is what men are like and if you do not feel comfortable signing the dotted line and taking the risk that he may cheat I cannot say I blame you. If you want a life remiss of any pain, hurt and risk of being cheated on and betrayed you still have options. You can stay single, you can have a baby via the sperm bank and just bypass all the potential destruction a man may bring into your life. (I am fully aware that some wives do cheat but that's a post for another time). For women I believe it's better to have read this book however much we may not like the reality of it and at least be able to move forward more informed that we were previously. In that... cheers to us and whichever path we choose may we pray to God that it's a good one.

To sum up... what men and women need to know is that men will never become immune to the inner battle of lust and wanting to have a woman they should not pursue because they are already in a committed relationship or married. They must fight this every day. Yet they must take personal responsibility and not fling off their issues onto their partner. That is not acceptable. A wife CAN be supportive (if she so chooses) and check in on him (within reason and within her nature) and try to keep those lines of communication open... but only within what she can do. Ultimately it's on HIM. ​

This website contains affiliate links and ads which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you. ​

This website contains affiliate links and ads which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you. ​

So I had bought this book Feeling Good by David D. Burns, M.D., years ago after the death of my sister along with a multitude of other books to help myself cope with the initial depressing phase in the enormous loss of her and to help myself; I believe this enabled me to however in delusion find a sense of control over the situation since I clearly in reality had none and needed to do whatever it took to feel better. Taking control and reading as a way to gain insight to help myself was one way to move forward in my healing and recovery process of which I say loosely because I believe whenever we lose someone we love in death or in life we never fully recover; we may get better but never revert to who we were before the trauma occurred. How could we?

Anyways, I recently unearthed this book from a box in storage and added it to my bookshelf of books and decided to skim through it again. After taking some time to read through it I thought it would make an excellent book to write about in a blog post. I hope you find it helpful and of value. I believe there are many good points in this book and really find much of it interesting. Every doctor, psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, etc has their own philosophies on human behavior and the why's or whatever behind it. Everyone has a professional opinion that may vary from one to another. Heck, every one in general has an opinion. I take these books with a mindset of what speaks to me and what do I find of value and what do I not agree with and find ridiculous. This book as I read it delivered both responses for me which I'll outline below and why.

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In his book David Burns talks of depression and even gives a quiz you can take at the beginning of the book to help self evaluate your depressive symptoms and of what severity they are. He touches on Dysthymia which is a milder typically life long depression that is extremely tricky to treat and perhaps more so than full on depression. Dysthymia is a melancholy that someone just can't seem to shake no matter what they do to attempt to improve their life. In that there is help with eradicating self defeating thoughts and how to take hold of them and write a new script and outcome for yourself. Additionally there are medications that can help people who suffer from this type of depression or any depression for that matter live better. Treatments of all kinds for depression are delved into in this book and covered extensively.

He touches briefly on singleness and how often folks who find themselves single either by choice being dumped or divorced do have the choice to make their life better. He talks of how so often single people of both genders are guilty of staying in their busy routine during the weekdays such as getting up, getting ready for work, commuting and then working all day to come home and be busy with preparing dinner, maybe watching one television show and going to bed only to get up and do it all over again the next day; this gives them structure and a planned schedule. Nothing unusual about that except when it comes to the weekend arriving often single folks find themselves in bed all day in a funk or moving from the bed to the couch to the fridge and back to the couch both Saturday and Sunday only to wake up Monday and realize they have absolutely nothing fun to show for their time off. This is a common trap for single people to fall into and before they know it weeks, months, even years have passed by and they have zero memories or fun to look back on. Basically, life is short and much too short to spend lying on the couch with a marathon of movies and empty candy wrappers or a regretful now empty carton of ice cream. He talks of how this mindless cycle continues to happen due to the inaction of planning on our part. He said single people need to plan their weekends ahead of time and map out what they plan to do so they are not falling self victim to lying around on their days off and wasting quality time they could be using in a personally rewarding, joyful, entertaining way.

Burns also explains how so often when people are divorced or find themselves single they (and often society in general, let's be real here) believe being single to be a curse of some sort. Which of course is so far from true! Yet often both genders begin to see being single as something to overcome and be ashamed of. Burns instead delves into how single people can view being single as a huge plus in life because it enables them to live fully without the hindrance of someone else and not feel like an appendage to them. He discusses how it's so important for people to realize that they can view love and being in love with someone as a want not a need. It's so true. The book explores how so often we believe happiness if not attainable unless we have a partner first... which leads to a big ole case of dependency. Not healthy at all. We often think of love as something we must have in order to live a happy well adjusted successful life yet that is just not the case. It goes back to the false ideology that we all need someone to complete us when in reality we each are already a whole. When we view being single as a negative in life we end up experiencing feelings of self pity and resentment and tie our total self worth into being with someone. Tying our self worth into needing to have someone means also holding a negative self image about ourselves and never truly living freely.

Speaking of what we deserve that is related to Chapter 7. If you caught my Instagram post on this book you likely noticed I mentioned I did not care for Chapter 7. I believe if you're going to order this book and read it much positive insight can be gained from 90% of the book. However, I believe Chapter 7 is that exception. I had issue with it because it basically states that if you had a spouse that cheated you could test out the reward system on them to see if it turns their behavior from negative toward you to positive. I just don't believe we should use a reward system to woo a spouse back to us after infidelity. I believe it's perfectly acceptable to just cut your losses and move on quickly and swiftly. I do not understand why you would want them to begin with if you've already established that they are not trust worthy individuals. I read that Burns believes if you are angry by a spouse's betrayal and believe the statement of "He SHOULD have behaved himself! He SHOULD have been loyal!" or "He SHOULD have treated me better!" that you are dealing with an entitlement issue because you are operating from a "SHOULD" mindset and believe everyone's actions toward you should always be fair in life and if they are not you will not cope well and ultimately suffer greatly in this cycle of anger you cannot shake. First of all, I call bs. I mean, come on! So you're an entitled person if you expect your spouse to be loyal to you after they recited their vows before a pastor, witnesses and God Himself? I don't believe that for a second. Chapter 7 was the one that really rubbed me the wrong way and I seriously find it damaging to those that have endured infidelity and unfortunately have in that also questioned their own abilities as a partner when in reality their cheating spouse is fully responsible for any and all infidelity. I totally get that in a way Burns is likely saying it's not healthy to go around with all that anger pent up inside about what our spouse did so we need to let go... but in that I believe we can give ourselves a soft spot to fall in our healing, go no contact with our ex (or limited if there are children to finish raising and keep communication professional) and move on swiftly. Grace and forgiveness is a personal choice for each person to choose and I don't believe we can make that decision for them. I will briefly state though that if you do choose to forgive your spouse for infidelity it's often for yourself so you can live peacefully not so much about your ex... and yet in THAT (lol) I will say likely if your ex cheated they probably didn't ask for forgiveness or are truly repentant... (at least a large percentage of them; most are just sorry they got caught) so perhaps we can use our time and energy used in beating ourselves up for not forgiving them we could have used it in a more positive way to find healing and inner peace through meditation, yoga, therapy, hobbies, etc.

I believe this book Feeling Good has many positive and insightful points and can definitely be used to help bring more clarity to challenging life circumstances in general but also specifically to those that are single and want better ways to cope and live well. As someone who has been divorced seven years now and can attest that healing from heartbreak takes time, effort and patience... I would highly suggest helping yourself recover in any way you can that proves to be insightful, genuine and compassionate.

This website contains affiliate links and ads which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you. ​

This post contains affiliate links which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you. ​​​​

Ya'll... I'm always trying to find new books to read that will give me more insight into toxic relationships, divorce and recovery. I think it's so important to learn as much as we can... but in that we've got to put into action what we learn so we can lead a better more fulfilling, peaceful and happier life.

Bill Eddy breaks down one of the major red flags of a person who is a high conflict individual. Now, of course remember that a high conflict person could be anyone... a co-worker, a parent, a extended family member you try to avoid most of the year except when you're stuck at the same dinner table come Thanksgiving Day... or a boss, sibling or yes, even a partner or spouse. One major red flag of a high conflict individual is someone who operates from all or nothing thinking. I can relate to this from my childhood and what I experienced growing up. A narcissistic high conflict parent may be very rigid in the ways they think and behave and sadly that affects the way that they parent their children. You may remember a parent telling you statements like "It's my way or the highway!" or even "Children should be seen and not heard!" Yikes. Like, that mindset is NOT going to be conducive to working well with a partner or raising children for sure. It's like they set themselves up for failure and yet these types of people do not want to change or are not willing to.

When a narcissistic high conflict parent tells their child "My way or the highway!" or "Children should be seen not heard!" they are teaching their child they are in charge yes, but also that shuts down any and all communication. Children want more than almost anything to be seen and heard and that often translates to feeling loved. If they want to be heard they won't be in this type of toxic setting.The parent is a dominating figure not someone that has openness and a authentic dialogue with their children that encourages genuine rapport, mutual respect and dignity. They may threaten the child that if they do not do what they want (these parental types want compliance above anything else. Think dictatorship) there will be harsh and severe punishments which may even include the silent treatment, intimidation tactics (breaking things, punching the wall, driving recklessly), physical abuse, and more. These parents are so incredibly rigid there is no room for discussion, ideas, or feelings to be shared. They simply don't want to hear it. The child in turn feels shut down, rejected, shamed, small and unworthy. The parent feels powerful, big, victorious, right, etc. This is no way to parent and certainly not positively. But a high conflict parent is not capable of changing and becoming the parent their child or children need. Sadly, this pattern typically continues or worsens as the child becomes an adult and at some point in time the grown child will have to make a choice; to stay or leave. That choice will be defining in their life likely after decades of abuse and will either lead them to staying in the chaos or choosing to bravely step away and living in peace and personal freedom.

Billy Eddy also explores how high conflict personalities always have a superior mindset and attitude. They truly believe themselves to be superior to others and always always entitled to special treatment by others in life. They do not believe the typical rules most of us follow in life to keep society humming along smoothly and well apply to them.... instead they think they can do anything they wish and without consequence. They may cut you off in traffic, they may steal your creative ideas at work, they may choose to not pay their taxes. They believe people who follow the rules in life are stupid and by contrast they are so much smarter. High conflict personality people always lack empathy.... this being one of their trademark signs. They are likely the ones who are brusque with the cashier. demanding with the server, rude to the valet. It's these types of scenarios that make others around them cringe and especially if you find yourself married to one and are continually trying to play the peacemaker, the calmer-downer or just wanting to disappear from utter and pure red faced embarrassment. I completely understand all that... I've been there and it is undoubtedly not a fun or peaceful way to live.

Last, to sum up... one major red flag of someone who is a high conflict personality Bill Eddy says to look at blame. An empathetic person often blames themselves for choosing someone who is a high conflict personality to be their spouse or partner or it's balanced view of blame... they realize they chose a toxic partner (even though likely the toxic partner showed a facade and tried to hide who they really were) but also see that the partner should take responsibility for their own behavior and how they treat others (which they don't) and that if the high conflict partner had been a loyal, honest person the abusive relationship/marriage, betrayal and ensuing divorce wouldn't have likely occurred to begin with. the spouse may even feel residual self blame and blame toward the high conflict partner post divorce as they try to cope with feelings of sadness, depression, anger, resentment and then in moving forward in living well and recovering financially and emotionally. This stands to reason as divorce especially from a high conflict individual is not an easy road and usually takes much effort, time and patience. However, a high conflict person doesn't take any responsibility and instead actually blames the spouse, etc. They blame their spouse that they "had to cheat". They blame their spouse for divorcing them even when they weren't loyal or were even downright abusive. The problem is the blame seems to grow as the high conflict person spreads ugly untruths about their partner in the midst of a divorce (what we call a smear campaign) and actually fuels the fire and encourages others to join in (think of the schoolyard bully inciting more to join in the taunting and pushing of a targeted child) and blame the targeted spouse (whereas if the high conflict's spouse speaks out about their circumstance or shares the truth they are merely sharing their story in hopes of helping others and raise awareness for others experiencing similar yet simultaneously keeping their distance from their ex). This is much more common than we may even realize in the midst of divorcing someone high conflict and so often why spouses of these types must either block their ex on social media or just leave it entirely. Because the circle of people they gather up (through lies about their ex) to help in the lies, blame and abuse either through trolling, stalking or sending messages, etc online (Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest) is a major problem for those trying to get untangled from someone who is high conflict. The phrase "high conflict" is there for a reason; these people thrive on it and creating tension, stress and confusion and absolutely live for it.

I hope this post helps you in learning a bit more about high conflict people and a few of the signs. I will say though this blog post just barely touches the surface of everything Bill Eddy covers in his book and his details along with stories of individuals highlighted in his book help give more clarity in showing the full affect high conflict people can and do have on others lives. It is really imperative to keep these types out of our life or at minimum (no contact) or at least have boundaries set in place to keep their damage or interactions to a minimum. The only way we can find true peace and happiness in our life is to actively be the gatekeeper and do it in a way that is for our own good and our family. if you'd like to read Bill Eddy's book 5 People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High Conflict Personalities I would highly recommend it and it's available through amazon.
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