Friday, October 03, 2008

Weekend Listomania (Special There is No God! Video Edition)

Well, it's Friday and you know what that means. Yes, my Oriental batman Hop-Sing and I are off to Alaska, where we'll join Governor Sarah Palin at the Wassilla Public Library for her annual browse of some interesting magazines and periodicals.

In any case, since this will be followed by the traditional Moose Roast and Octoberfest, posting by moi will necessarily be somewhat fitful for a few days.

But until then, as always, here's a fun project for you all to contemplate:

The Post-Elvis Pop/Rock Band or Solo Act With a Major Career Whose Popularity Most Remains Mystifying Because They Self-Evidently Suck!!!

No special rules or exceptions here; obviously this is subjective on some level, but in this case all the examples are actually scientifically provable as far as suckitude goes.

Programming note: For those who were wondering, we will return to our ongoing project to work Smashing Pumpkins and Billy Corgan's pretentious cue-ball noggin into every Listomania from now till the end of recorded time with next week's entry.

Okay, that said, my top of my head Top Eight would be:

8. Coldplay

As I said the other day -- are they U2 without the warmth? Spandau Ballet without the sense of humor? Who knows and who cares...if ever a multi-platinum band sucked, it's these guys, and frankly Gwynneth Paltrow should be ashamed of herself for mingling her DNA with that appalling singer.

7. Fall Out Boy

God, these guys are full of themselves. And "This Aint a Scene, It's an Arms Race" is one of the lamest lyric metaphors ever. David Byrne really needs to smack these putzes upside their heads.

6. Celine Dion

Seriously -- I can't even begin to fathom why millions of people actually listen to her CDs for pleasure. Is earnest sexlessness really that much fun? Honest, I just don't fricking get it...

5. Justin Timberlake

For some reason -- that he's funny in movies, or something -- it's now considered plausible in certain circles to defend this nit as an interesting all-around entertainer, like he's the Sammy Davis Jr of his generation, except whiter and with two eyes. I can only conclude it's some kind of weird Gen-Y kitsch thing, like the Tony Bennett on MTV Mania of the 90s.

4. Sean Combs (or whatever his name is at the moment)

A credit to his wallet? Perhaps. But as far as music goes, he deserves a special circle in Hell for that appalling remake of "Every Breath You Take" alone.

3. Oasis

Do they have even a remotely listenable singer? Is there a single interesting instrumentalist in the band? Have they ever written even a moderately memorable song? The answer to all of those is "Fuck no," IMHO.

2. Madonna

"Last night I dreamt of some bagels..." The great singer/songwriter/guitarist Peter Blegvad said it best of Ms. Ciccone: "A teaspoon of talent."

And the number one "why the fuck are they huge?" act , it's so obvious it's unarguable so don't even bother to suggest somebody else or I swear to god I'll mess you up, is ---

1. Gloria Estefan

Keith Richards nailed her in an interview some years back: "A Holiday Inn lounge act that got lucky."

Awrighty then -- what would your choices be?

[Shameless Blogwhore: My parallel Cinema Listomania (theme: cool gangster flicks) is now up over at Box Office. As always, if you could go over there and leave a comment, an angel get its wings.]

Barbra Streisand! -- her voice, which is supposed to be the greatest gift since gold, frankincense and myrrh, is like nails on a chalkboard, and ever since I was a child, I cannot stand to listen to her.

Huey Lewis & the News -- retro-smug corporate pop -- ugh.

Kenny G -- 'nuff said.

I second BG's choice of Kiss. Arrogance crossed with lameness.

Britney Spears -- once she lost her jailbait appeal (which I never got anyway, I don't find ignorant trash attractive), there was nothing left.

First I'd like to say--I have never understood Bowie-bashing. Not enough room here for my defense...just saying.

My choice for suckiest big time star EVAH--Mary J. Blige! Respected across the globe as one of the greatest R&B singers, she is perpetually flat and horrible. Has anyone really paid attention? Aretha, Gladys, Irma...would never have been caught dead singing as poorly as Mary J. Dreck. She couldn't carry a tune if it had handles. Really the worst ever and people LOVE her. Why God why?

Chicago? Have you heard their first four albums? Dude, they rock hard and consistently have the most interesting horn arrangements on any rock music. Now if you are talking about "If You Leave Me Now" and that sort of treacle, right on!

It is funny, I have none of the featured artists music, and I concur with Steve about their triumph of something over substance, but I am most happy about having none of their music!

My mom was HUGE snob, and I have eschewed snobbery with one exception: music. I do not tolerate shitty music. Not having any of the artists makes me feel superior! Ashamed to say it, but there it is.

Maybe that is why I was so offended by including Chicago among the dross.

Man! I pity the bands that get on Simels’s last nerve – even Mencken would be cheered by those skewerings. My own problem in naming names is that even the suckiest bands have more talent than I do (and I curse the gods that made this so). But I have to say Come Sail Away by Styx seems pretty unforgivable. There’s this inoffensive keyboard intro and then it’s just “Gawd! What IS that voice and why is it amplified?” Maybe Styx did something else of merit but I could never bring myself to listen after hearing Come Sail Away.

Out of long habit, whenever I go to a new record store, or one I haven't been to in a while, one of the first things I do is see if they have anything by The Fall. Now I have to be circumspect about that, out of fear passersby will think I'm checking out the works of Fall Out Boy. Just one more reason to despise that little turd of a band.

Not a single vote for Jefferson Starship? (And I adore The Airplane). I have a higher tolerance for 70s pap than I used to - (I used to be disgusted, now I try to be amused) - but my disdain for Billy Joel and The Eagles remains inviolable. And Motley Crue remain the Worst Rock Band Ever. -bill buckner

Thers assures me, steve, that had you been just a bit younger, you would hate Billy Joel with the white-hot heat of a thousand suns. For him, Piano Man and Scenes from an Italian Restaurant were drunken frat-boy anthems which cause his throat to close to this very day. Of course, he went to Stonybrook, but didn't you, too? So you know the environment and what music like that might accomplish there.

And I will side with billy b, my giant friend, on defending Oasis. They wear their Beatles influence proudly, and the marriage of trip-pop and early 90's alternative sensibility may be a "you had to be there" sort of thing, but I respect Noel Gallagher as a writer, even if I can't understand a damn thing he says.

(And yes, blogger, I am me, and I've been trying to comment on this post for two days, you sack of decroded crap.)