The Christmas Socks

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I have a sock problem at my house. When the laundry is folded out of the dryer, any unmatched socks go into a large hamper where they accumulate into sedimentary rock. Well, not rock exactly, but you can dig down like an archaeological dig.

The top layer has big socks with a toe hole or a stretched out cuff. They fit, but are worn out. Well, worn out to me; “more awesome” according to my kids. They like garments really broken in.

Dig down deeper and you’ll find The Socks of Activities Past. There are poodle socks for Irish dance, acrylic soccer socks of various team colors, and knee socks worn for fencing.

At the very bottom are baby booties and character socks from previous decades. Original Power Rangers, Aladdin, and Barney circa 1995.

My buddy Dana has five little kids, and she’s living the dream. She just threw away *all* their socks to start over. Luckily her husband doesn’t need a variety of styles and can wear the same type of white crew athletic socks for almost every activity. Even church, but that’s okay. They are pretty casual and I bet Jesus is cool with white socks at church.

Dana has a new pack of a dozen socks for each of her kids to go under the tree. Her kids will rip that wrapping paper and be pretty excited about new socks. My kids are sweet, but not as grateful or well trained as Dana’s. They’re more likely to give me side-eye.

You know what side-eye is.When Dana posted a photo on Facebook of her new socks, I immediately thought “The Christmas Socks” would be a good title for a song. It could be a sequel to “The Christmas Shoes”.

If you haven’t heard “The Christmas Shoes”, you are a lucky person. I took a vote in my head and “The Christmas Shoes” was unanimously the Worst Christmas Song Ever.

And your luck just ran out. Watch this, if you dare…

I started tearing up just embedding the clip. So emotionally manipulative, with cute kids and dying moms on Christmas. So bad. I hate myself for crying, especially when the choir of children kicks in at the end.

So, in the song I’m going to write, “The Christmas Socks”, the kid needs the socks because his mom has her last wheelchair bowling tournament that night before she gets a medically-necessary breast lift. They keep getting caught under the wheels and it’s making her roll a 7-10 split.

Now all I need are lyrics, music, and somebody who can sing without crying or laughing or vomiting. It’ll be a smash hit!

There are a lot of bad seasonal songs out there. Do you agree with me about The Christmas Shoes, or do you have another suggestion for Worst Song?

We have a Land of Misfit Socks, as well. I find the whole sock thing even more difficult now that the feet in this house all wear the same size sock.

I really don’t like the Christmas Shoes. Now that we are in Texas, I have heard a song I believe is called “The Gift”. It’s about a girl named Maria and some bird she finds. (Honestly, I kind of tune out when it comes on, but I think it is a knock off of The Little Drummer Boy.) The version I have heard is sung by some guy the sounds like Don McLean. It’s just sad. I much prefer Dominick, the Italian Christmas Donkey.

“I have no response to that.” ~~Meg Ryan in the unforgettable movie my husband won’t let us forget, Joe Vs the Volcano

I still tell my kids to leave me alone and let me cry because my childhood was oppressive when it came to emotional stuff and I had to stuff it all and not cry during movies (not even for Tiny Tim)…but I could NOT cry for this song.

I too had never heard “The Christmas Shoes” before this moving post about socks. “Thanks Anne!” I’m guessing that gets heavily played on country music stations – which I rarely listen to. Thank goodness for small blessings.

Bust as to crying at commercials I am totally guilty of that. And when I cry at something really ridiculous I have to check the calendar, and they say, “Yup, it’s about that time of the month” because there is no reason to cry about a UPS commercial or something equally lame.

However – if it is a commercial about an animal in peril you could mop me up off the floor. I don’t think I will be seeing “War Horse” (EVER!) because I can’t get through the movie trailer without crying my eyes out.

I love being a mother, but I’m pretty sure I’m not very good at it. People tell me I’m a good mom, but I wish they wouldn’t pat my shoulder when they said it.
I have four kids at home and one husband, who is Ricky to my Lucy. He puts up with late dinners, occasional clean underpants shortages, and my madcap schemes.