Doctors examining the Duke of Edinburgh have urged him to practice more conventional forms of intercourse if he is to avoid further bladder infections. HRH Prince Philip spent the night in a shitty NHS hospital in Aberdeen as a "precautionary measure" after an infection, which began in the Royal Penis, ran amok .

The Duke, a prominent advocate of ‘booty love’, can still get it up at the ripe old age of 91 due to a combination of having led a charmed life and favourable genetics.

Dr Reginald Smithies, who is monitoring the duke's condition, said:
‘When they brought him in he had that kind of sheepish look on his face, like a naughty schoolboy. It’s surely significant that they had been enjoying a weekend at Balmoral.’

‘This type of infection is consistent with “you know what”. We see a lot of it, especially amongst aristocrats and French tourists.’

‘He had the same thing last year shortly before the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee concert – and you know what they say about birthdays and anniversaries. If he wishes to engage in this kind of activity, I’ve recommended that he should “rubber up” as this will prevent germs being transmitted to the urinary tract.'

Royal watcher Simon Patridge, from Cowes on the Isle of Wight, who saw the duke on Wednesday morning, said: "Prince Philip seemed in very good spirits, which is hardly surprising, and gave the crowd a cheeky thumbs up before entering the ambulance."

When the duke is eventually discharged, he is likely to be told to rest, meaning he will miss the opening of the Paralympic Games, which he is said to be ‘not that arsed about’

A reluctant patient at the best of times, Prince Philip has now spent his 10th night in hospital since just before Christmas last year.

Then, he was suffering from a blocked coronary artery, which may have been the result of a ‘donkey punch’ - an aggressive sexual manoeuvre administered by Her Majesty, The Queen.