At some point in the past, aliens came to Earth and created a new species  humans. Inside the human genetic coding, the aliens implanted the potential to become warrior monsters. Humans who have unlocked this genetic potential are known as Zoanoids. Leading the evil Zoanoids is Fulton Balcus. He and his minions have recently discovered another weapon left behind by the aliens. It’s called “The Guyver” and it is a biomechanical armor that bonds with a human to turn them into the ultimate weapon. The only problem is that they haven’t been able to figure out how to activate it yet.

One of Balcus’ scientists, Tetsu Segawa, tries to get the Guyver away from the evil leader, but he’s only able to hide it before he’s killed. When CIA agent Max Reed starts investigating the death, he learns more about the Guyver and the Zoanoids. He also pulls the scientist’s daughter and her friend, Sean Barker, into the intrigue. But when Sean accidentally stumbled on the Guyver, he inadvertently activates it and is bonded to the armor. With a gang of monster Zoanoids after him, Sean is the only one who has a chance of defeating Balcus and stopping their evil plan.

The Guyver is rated PG-13 for violence.

The Movie:
Being a fan of Mark Hamill and alien flicks, I was mildly interested in seeing The Guyver. After having seen it, I really regretted it. The Guyver isn’t just bad. It’s nearly Mystery Science Theater 3000 bad. Imagine an episode of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers dragged out to an hour and a half. Throw in a little gore and have the main characters blurt out a few profanities and you get The Guyver.

This film was terrible on every level. First of all, the plot made little sense. It started out with a nonsensical introduction that was terribly confusing. There was talk of aliens, Zoanoids, and all sorts of other stuff that were baffling. It didn’t get much better from there. The film also seemed unable to find the proper tone. In some scenes it was flat out comedy. In other scenes it was gore and horror. This really threw off the whole tone of the film.

Next, the bad guys sucked. Let’s face it, when you have Jimmie “Good Times” Walker as one of your main bad guys, you’re in trouble. When you have him rapping while attacking the good guys, you’re screwed. When you have him in a big rubber monster suit with rapper chains attacking another guy in a rubber suit, you might as well leave Hollywood. All of the bad guys were men in rubber suits that looked stupid and seemed to be rejects from Power Rangers. Throw in stupid dialogue and poor fight choreography and you don’t just have a B-Movie, you have a D-Movie.

All of the acting sucked. I’m a big fan of Mark Hamill, so I was curious to see what he was doing after Star Wars and before his animated Batman work. If this was it, then it’s no wonder he doesn’t boldly advertise it in his filmography. He’s reduced to lamely hitting a guy in a rubber monster suit, delivering bad “tough cop” dialogue, sporting a bad moustache, and going through one of the more embarrassing monster transformations that I’ve ever seen. I hate to see a childhood hero hit this low, but fortunately he’s doing better stuff today. The rest of the cast is forgettable. Fortunately, Vivian Wu also went on to better stuff (The Joy Luck Club, The Pillow Book), but this wasn’t one of her highlights either. David Gale (Re-Animator) continues his B-Movie career along with Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator, Star Trek).

Also sucking tremendously in this movie is the music. It’s some of the worst music this side of TV show scores. The monsters are also pretty weak and the Guyver suit isn’t intimidating or creative. It looks about the same as any monster on Japanese television. (Maybe they got a discount from a garage sale.)

If you find yourself even slightly interested in seeing this movie, do yourself a favor and find something else. It’s an hour and a half of your life that you’ll never get back. It’s hard to imagine that they made a sequel.

The Extras:
There are no extras included on this DVD.

The Bottom Line:
Almost anything would be better to watch than The Guyver, and that includes the Power Rangers. You might have a good time renting this for a party and making fun of it, but otherwise it has little value.