Nurse The Hate

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Nurse the Hate: Hate The New Normal

It’s amazing how quickly one can adjust to bizarre circumstances. I remember when I lived in the dorms in
college. I shared a bedroom with this
guy I was randomly placed with named Jim.
I slept on the top bunk. While I
was initially disappointed about getting to the room second and having to climb
that perch, I got used to it quickly. In
my first semester, I got mono and spent two months falling asleep reading “History
of Civilization I” up in that bunk. I
know a great deal about Mesopotamia and the fertile bread basket where the
Tigris and Euphrates met, but almost nothing after that as the text book was a
sleeping pill to me.

One Thursday night I woke up to my bed swaying
slightly. I was confused as it was
2:37am and I had been out cold for a good two hours. As I became more aware of my surroundings I
heard heavy breathing and bed springs. I
rolled over to look down on Jim’s bunk and saw his shiny ass pumping up and
down in between some girl’s thighs I knew named Becky. We made eye contact. “Hi Becky.”
Jim just kept going ignoring me completely. I rolled back over and waited for my little
ride to end. It didn’t seem that odd to
me. I was used to things like that after
the previous two months of submarine like living in that tiny dorm room. It wasn’t even that noteworthy at the time to wake up to watch a live sex show.

Another quick example…
About a month ago, Leo had a couple guys crashing out at his house. One of them was a wildly out of control
alcoholic that spoke almost completely in non-sequiturs. I would roll up with my PA head in tow to
find him on the porch drinking and smoking cigarettes. I would offer him a greeting and his response
would be something along the lines of “Don’t count your chickens dude! Haw haw haw!”. What? We would then set up in the basement to work
on songs. He might appear from nowhere
with Charlie, Leo’s dog, and start dancing around in the middle of the
basement. We just ignored him and kept
moving ahead. When Krusty and Bobby came
over to knock out some Cowslingers material, I was very much used to this guy’s
bizarre behavior. Krusty and Bobby were
not. “What the fuck’s with this guy?” I had become so used to the insanity, it didn’t
even seem odd. It’s just the way it was
over at Leo’s house.

I can’t help but think that the American People have made
this type of mental shift with our leadership.
In just the past few days we have a President that has:

·Used a racial slur in front of Indian war heroes

·Forwarded British "Alt Right" Party anti-Muslim hate videos on
Twitter

·Suggested that the “grab them by the pussy”
video he had already admitted to and apologized for was doctored, essentially
denying the undeniable

Yet, it’s hardly a ripple.
The high stakes and complicated North Korea issue is ratcheting up and
this man is going to be a final word on a series of dominos falling that will
re-shape events for generations. It’s
impossible to have a rational discussion to suggest Donald Trump is competent
for his job. Everyone in government is
keeping their distance. I think that
things have now been so crazy for almost a year, so it doesn’t seem odd any
longer. It’s just the way it is
now. Why fight it? The Leader of the Free World was arguing with
LaVar Ball on Twitter? Huh.
The President is going out of his way to make the obviously false claim
that he’s turning down the Time Magazine “Man of the Year” award? Hey, who wants tacos?

History is going to be a very cruel judge of Trump. It will likely be an even more unforgiving
judge on all of us that continue to do nothing in the face of this obvious
danger.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Nurse the Hate: The Joan Baez/Tom Jones Idea

When a great idea comes along, the most important thing is to grab that momentum and make it happen. I was speaking with Bobby Lanphier today and we came into the idea of launching a national tour with Joan Baez doing a tribute to Tom Jones. We are talking full costumes, show band, lots of dancing... the whole deal. Sure, maybe Joan Baez isn't the artist that most comes to mind here in that she made her bones as a protest folk singer and is now 76 years old. Don't count her out. She's definitely a Double Threat. I'm sure she can dance.

This idea is Pure Gold. I'm hoping "her team" doesn't take it and cut us out of the deal. I will keep you advised as this project comes together.

I was
speaking with my associate, a Mr. Bob Lanphier, earlier today in Nashville (aka “Music
City”). Mr. Lanphier and I had a
conversation which took an unexpected turn where we discussed your 1971 hit
version of “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down”. Though as I understand it, the version was
rather unpopular with Levon Helm, it certainly resonated with the public. That led us to speculate on other potential
cover versions of songs that might “pop” with the public, drive your sales, and
create a buzz within the industry.

Allow me,
if you will, to say one name. Tom Jones. Ms. Baez, I think you’d agree that there’s
only two things ALL people really enjoy.
These things are foot massages and the incomparable music of Tom Jones. My associate and I quickly brainstormed a
national tour featuring you with a high energy full band blowing up Tom Jones catalogue performances. These would be complete with costume changes,
lights, and a-c-t-i-o-n. Imagine if you
will a full band blasting behind you as you dazzle the crowd with “What’s New
Pussycat?” in a skin tight leather cat suit accompanied by synchronized backup
dancers. That is entertainment pure and
simple. I am envisioning a 75 minute set
of just the hits with the magic only you can provide with your golden
voice. Tom never had your pipes, and the
possibility of re-inventing these songs is a rare opportunity to hit the
bullseye artistically and financially.

Now it is
true that neither my associate nor I have any experience putting on a tour of
this magnitude. He is currently involved
in “logistics” for a local hunger initiative.
He is however an Idea Man. Let me
assure you that he would only put on a show with the upmost respect for both
the music and legacy of both you and Mr. Jones.
He is a bit of a song and dance man himself so his heart is always with
the artists. Me? I will be the marketing arm of this monster. I see billboards, TV, digital takeovers and
even good old fashioned hand leaflets. The media will explode on the target audiences. We
will need to secure key network morning news performance showcases to launch
the tour, so just as an upfront warning you’ll likely have to smile through some
couch interviews.

We mean business. This tour
will have a logical progression. Large
clubs to small theaters to outdoor sheds.
We will continue to up the production values as we ascend, though I will
add the caveat that our initial club dates will have costuming and choreography
headed up by my associate and I. He has a pretty good eye for clothes and I think I'm a decent dancer. He and I should be great as backup dancers for the initial shows. Rest assured, we will
be VERY hands on during the entire launch phase.

I hope
you are as excited about this idea as I am.
I will be in the Bay Area next week if you’d like to take a
meeting. I prefer to meet directly with
you so we can avoid having your management team water down our vision. We can loop them in at the appropriate time.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Nurse the Hate: NFL Week 12

I was standing confidently on the top of gambling’s version
of Mount Olympus yesterday. The early
football games and multiple college basketball games had gone exactly as I had
expected. Multiple bets intertwined with
each other in a confusing, yet absurdly profitable labyrinth. I was quite smug as I sipped at champagne
nestled in by the fire mentally counting my windfall. I began to do google searches for such topics
as “private jet rentals” and “Provence France vineyard opportunities”. A wild seven team parlay was falling
together with a ridiculous 23,710-1 payoff.
“Early retirement calculator” was an easy find on the web. I felt confident. Giddy even.
This is exactly the sort of attitude the displeases The Sports Gambling
Gods.

Having a potential Southern French villa purchase tied into
an event known as “The Egg Bowl” is not the traditional path to premium real
estate ownership. The Egg Bowl is the
annual college football grudge match between Mississippi State and Ole Miss in
which old scores are settled and arguments wage for years. I had almost no prior knowledge about either
team with the exception of knowing both programs were more crooked than a Reno
Nevada gas station slot machine. Each
has placed themselves into a self-induced sanction of “no bowl games” with the
obvious intention of hoping the NCAA doesn’t nose around their obviously amoral
athletic programs and hit them with real punishments. As I recall, one of the programs had been
purchasing prostitutes for the players and the other openly handed out big
envelopes of cash in the locker room after games. It is Mississippi after all…

I had placed my faith in Mississippi State, ranked #14, as
they were heavily favored and appeared to be the least concerned about
following the basic NCAA rules. That
usually leads to short term gains and college football victories. What I did not count on was the horrifying
injury pictured above knocking out Mississippi State’s QB and best player. This is what is referred to in gambling
circles as a “devastating development” and “very bad news”. Just like that, my dreams of my Southern
French idyllic oasis had vanished. It is
probably for the best as I not only cannot speak French, but cannot pronounce
anything in the language correctly even if drilled repeatedly. There was an incident in a Bordeaux gas
station once when I asked for directions to the train station. I was aware that I was asking for “Gare Saint
Jean”. Even though I was armed with the
facts, it made no difference as none of the folks in the convenient store could
figure out that the American hillbilly asking for “Gar Saint Gene” in hard consonants
was looking for “Gah Sah Jah”. Easy
come, easy go.

I will get right back on the horse on Sunday. I have learned the lesson I learn each
holiday when I construct the Galaxy of Wagers that it is generally a bad idea
to gamble on things in which you have absolutely no information on. I know this will not prevent me from gambling
heavily on the meaningless NBA Christmas games.
If someone could remind me on Christmas morning, I would appreciate
it. I still have the illusion I know
about the NFL though, so I am getting back in the mix. Let’s get in there…

I am betting against the Browns. I should have stacked heavy wagers against
the Browns all year, but the taint of failure surrounding the team is so strong
I assume it will strike my betting slips too.
I need to step away from that superstitious nonsense. The Sports Gambling Gods frown on
superstition. The Browns are 2-8 against
the spread. They are reliably awful. They cannot score points because they forgot
to sign any good offensive players. Yes,
I know the Bengals are a subpar team, but this is the Browns we are talking
about. They have lost to the Bengals six
times in a row. Despite this probably
being a low scoring game, I’m taking the Bengals
-8.

The Indianapolis Colts have quietly become a legitimate NFL
franchise again. They have been largely
competitive week to week, but are so far below the radar of the average fan it
is assumed they are the same as the Browns/49ers/Giants. I am not suggesting that this team is very
good, but I am saying there is good value with them at home getting points. I especially like them against a mediocre
Tennessee Titan team that looks like it is fading fast. Tennessee is 0-6 in their last six trips to
the RCA Dome. They are 2-10 against the
spread in their last 12 games against the Colts. I did a little research here! The home team usually covers in this
matchup. These are teams going the opposite way. Tennessee has failed to cover
in their last four games and the Colts have covered their last three in a
row. I’m going with the trend. Indianapolis
+3.5

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Nurse the Hate: Thanksgiving Galaxy of Wagers Part 1

When I was a kid in Philadelphia, I remember going to a
Thanksgiving parade with my father downtown.
The air was crisp with that first hint of winter despite the sun
gamely trying to warm the day. The breeze
rattled the fallen leaves on the sidewalk.
There were street cart vendors selling hot dogs and a man standing in
front of a fire selling roasted chestnuts.
I was very impressed by the chestnut vendor. I had seen a man selling chestnuts in a
Charles Dickens TV adaption and I really wanted to try them. “You don’t want those” my father said as he
hustled me by. I did want those. I have yet to have street vendor roasted chestnuts.

I have almost no other memory of that day except the drive
home. We were twisting around secondary
streets trying to get back to the highway.
Most of the key cross streets were closed due to the parade route. We made a turn and found ourselves facing an
older apartment building fully erupted into a fire. Our route was blocked, so we pulled over and
parked. It was chaotic. Multiple fire engines were just
arriving. Brilliant orange and red
flames exploded out of a shattered window.
The gathering crowd gasped. A
skinny young black girl in jeans was running around the firemen yelling to no
particular person in person “I don’t know where he at! I don’t know where he at!”. The firemen ignored her as they methodically
pulled hoses from the trucks. It smelled
of must and smoke.

I stood with my back against a tree. I was afraid of getting tossed into the chaos
but was utterly riveted to the action.
This was like watching “Emergency” on TV but much better. The flames whooshed out making the building
sound like it was breathing. The hoses
turned on. A young fireman grabbed an
axe and ran right into the front door of the flaming building, bounding up the
stairs. I could not have been more
impressed. I would recreate that moment in
my mind pretending to be him as I ran up the stairs of my house whenever I went
to my room for the next two years. My
father and I stood and watched not saying a word. The skinny black girl sat on the asphalt and
started crying. My father touched my
shoulder and said we should go. We got
in the car and drove home silently.

I don’t remember anything else about that day. I’m sure the football games were on TV when
we got home. Thanksgiving football is
the one constant I have had in my life.
I am comforted by the idea that no matter what happens and regardless of
the circumstances surrounding me, I will be able to bet against the Lions on
Thanksgiving. The Lions had an awful run
where they went 1-12 on Thanksgiving, but have since won the last four
years. I’m in this thing for the long
haul, so I am guessing the Lions regress back to their rightful place as disappointing
the people of Michigan on Thanksgiving Day.
They have only beaten one team with a winning record this season, and
that was Minnesota early. It’s hard to
beat the same team twice (assuming we aren’t talking about the Browns). Even now I can see Whiskey Daredevils
producer extraordinaire John Smerek muttering “fucking Lions” as the game winds
down. I’m on Minnesota -2.5

I have been saying all season long that the Chargers aren’t
as bad as people think. Now, this is
hardly a ringing endorsement. They are
4-6 after all. They are probably the
best team in the AFC West, which is like saying Glenn Fry is your favorite
member of the Eagles. When you hear
something like that there is no recourse but to smile and offer lip service
like “Oh, that’s so nice.”. Still, let
us agree that the Chargers are OK. Not
great. They’re OK.

Dallas is not OK.
They are 1-4 ATS at home. The
left tackle situation is bleak. Dak
Prescott is literally running for his life out there. All those bubbly accolades he collected last
season behind that impenetrable offensive line have disappeared. It’s not his fault. The Cowboys are bad right now and with Zeke
suspended, now they're worse. The
Chargers, 3-1-1 ATS on the road do a great job of hanging around in games. I’m guessing that the ugly Dallas defense
fails to get it done and San Diego wins a close one. Please note, I am not totally sold on this
either, but it’s Thanksgiving so I am rolling with it. San Diego pick ‘em.

I fully expect to be heavily intoxicated on copious
quantities of wine by the time the late game rolls around. Washington vs the Giants is difficult to get
excited about. The Giants are playing
with their eighth different OL combination in the last 11 games. The Redskins were unable to practice on
Tuesday because Coach Jay Gruden was quoted as saying “we don’t have enough
healthy guys to go 11-on-11”. This does
not exactly portend to a great football game.
The Giants somehow won last week.
They are 1-5 ATS after a win. So
let’s bet the Redskins! Well, the Skins
are 1-6 ATS at home. There is only one
way to go on this. The over. The Redskins are 14-2 on the over versus
losing teams. The Redskins are 14-2 on
the over after a loss. Good enough for
me. Why complicate your Thanksgiving
with rooting for a team with a bunch of players you can’t identify that are
badly limping around? It’s way better to
be drunkenly looking at the screen saying things like “There you go!” when
someone you’ve never heard of scores. Washington/Giants OVER 45.

Season Record: 11-13-1

Each Thanksgiving Krusty emerges from his gambling cocoon. He shakes himself awake, opens a domestic
light beer, and assembles what he refers to as his “galaxy of wagers”. Despite having almost no working knowledge of
anything going on in the sports world, with the exception of a steady diet of
Buffalo Bills sports talk, he will create absurd parlays and teasers. Each game result has ramifications on
multiple wagers. It is a spider’s web of
decadence. I am considering doing him
one better with two ridiculous Thanksgiving bets. Gaze upon these with wonder:

PARLAY

Minnesota money line

Washington/Giants OVER 45

Mississippi State football money line (over Mississippi
in the hotly contested Egg Bowl)

Xavier basketball (over George Washington)

St Mary’s basketball (over Harvard)

Or perhaps this…

TEASER

Lions +10

Chargers +5.5

Giants +14.5

Mississippi State -7.5

The key is maintaining a “how could this possibly lose”
mindset as if it is inconceivable that the Chargers could lose to the Cowboys
by a touchdown. Another key is to make sure
that you are a few drinks in as the wager is assembled and a strong Enabler is
nearby. Example: “Krusty…
Get a load of this! Lions plus
ten, Chargers plus five and half, Giants plus 14 and a half and Miss State
gives seven and a hook! The only one
that even slightly concerns me is San Diego.
The rest are a lock!” Krusty
takes a sip off his third beer. “Run
that by me again… OK… Yeah, I’m in on that!”. About three hours later the whole thing blows
up when the Vikings hit an otherwise meaningless field goal to win by 13. The heavy drinking begins with a new scheme
and so on.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Nurse the Hate: The Kunick Boy

It was April 17th when The Kunick Boy slid off
Taylor Road and into the embankment.His
name was Keith, but almost everyone called him “The Kunick Boy”.I believe the thought was that by not calling
him by name, it could be implied that there was a distance between the speaker
and whatever terrible thing Keith had inevitably done. Keith was diagnosed once as being hyperactive,
but that didn’t quite cover it.I don’t
know what it was exactly.There was something
about him that was just off.He was
unpredictable.His wiring was wrong. Even Keith was aware of it.

There were many people that believed the accident was caused
by alcohol.I knew that wasn’t it.Keith had stopped drinking after a few
incidents when alcohol interacted with whatever combination of meds they had
him trying.He showed up at a party once
in December wearing cheap sunglasses to try and hide a shiner he had received
the night before.He couldn’t remember
where he had been or what had happened.I
don’t know why he thought no one would ask why he was wearing $3 red Ray Ban
knockoffs on a winter’s night.After that he
stopped drinking. His family gave him an ultimatum. He then assumed a moral high ground like it was his decision alone to evolve, a superior being.It was just overcompensation for his nagging understanding that
something was broken with him, so I never called him on it.He knew I knew.

The newspaper had a brief recap of the accident.To most readers it was just another traffic incident.It was just a few lines."A local man and woman were in an auto
accident on Taylor Rd. The woman was
pronounced dead at the scene.The man is
in critical condition at St. Luke’s Hospital.Police are investigating the cause of the accident."

What the article didn’t say was this.Keith was driving a used Chevy Nova SS that
he had just bought at Riley’s Auto World.That was a beast of a car.It was
all engine and very little control.He
was likely trying to show off to Lisa Bliley, a sweet but somewhat misguided
girl that gravitated to the broken birds she thought she could heal.She thought Keith was introspective and
deep.He was actually moody and
medicated.She asked him to drive her
home from a party at Patterson’s Barn.Literally everyone was there at that party.We knew he wasn’t drinking, but he seemed
edgy.He had that vibe to him that made
even Patterson’s dogs shy away from him.

Keith went over the hill by Elk Creek too fast and lost
control.He must have been going 80-85
mph.He slid across the lane and the car
flipped when it hit grass.They rolled
over numerous times until the car settled on its roof in the ditch.The police told the Bliley Family that Lisa
died on impact.I mean, what else could
they do?They couldn’t tell them the
truth.A good friend of mine had a
brother that was a paramedic.The way he
heard it was that the car caught on fire.Lisa’s legs were pinned in and crushed.Keith had been thrown into the back seat.The fire spread quickly.Keith knocked out the back window and pulled
himself out as Lisa screamed begging for him to help her.He was almost clear when the gas tank blew.Lisa died horribly in the fire.Keith got third degree burns over most of his
body.

Keith was unrecognizable in the hospital.His face had been burned into a grimace that
looked like a decomposing jack-o-lantern.His mother kept a constant vigil.She was torn between her son’s condition and the guilt of the Bliley
girl’s death.It was a small town.Everyone knew everyone.Keith died on the fourth night in the
hospital.I heard he had regained
consciousness briefly but didn’t speak.He
could only open one eye and it darted around for a few minutes until it closed
again.They used his high school
graduation photo in the obituary.There
was a small private burial.I didn’t
go.No one I knew did.

I saw Mrs. Kunick a few months later at the IGA grocery
store.She smiled as I greeted her.She looked thinner than I had seen her last.Not a healthy thin, but gaunt.She had a forced smile as we exchanged small talk.There was an electricity behind her eyes and
face like she was trying to maintain control.She was playing the role of contented suburban mother and wife but threatening to
break character any second. She told me
to say hello to my mother for her as she climbed into her car.Behind me I heard two women whisper to each
other.“That’s her.The mother of The Kunick Boy.”

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Nurse the Hate: NFL Week 11

There are things that must be absolutes to be able to live a
tethered life.There must be some sort
of foundation or there is chaos.One of
the only things I can recall from the three sociology classes I took was the
concept of “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs”.The idea is that life is a pyramid where the most basic physical needs
must be addressed first, like air to breath and a water supply.From there it goes to shelter/safety, love
and belonging, to esteem all the way to the lofty goal of
self-actualization.The interesting
thing about that class was that I took it with a girlfriend that betrayed my
trust in the midst of learning this.I
was able to see that while I thought I was scratching towards “self-actualization”,
with a swift turn of events I tumbled well below “esteem” and was left picking
up the shattered pieces of “love and belonging”.

We did that thing where we sat as far apart from each other
as possible in the class and pretended the other didn’t exist. Meanwhile we both almost blew out our eye
sockets straining to see out of the corners of our eyes looking at each other
for a sign of weakness.It was a sick
and counterproductive final few weeks of the semester.Probably because of the personal drama I was
involved in, I was always able to remember Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.Each moment of the lecture I was able to
narcissistically apply to myself.“Yes!Maslow you’ve really got it figured out!You know exactly what a horrible woman can do
to a man!”I must have listened to a lot
of slow Cure records during that time.Thank God I didn’t know about The Swans then. Or heroin.

The fact remains that there must be certainties in
life.You need to feel like the earth is
solid below your feet as you try to become the best version of “you” that is
possible.Life is like a wobbly house of
cards.At any moment it can collapse and
you can be forced to re-evaluate back from the bottom. There needs to be at least something that is known to be true. However, no matter how far you tumble down
the pyramid, there is solace in knowing that the Cleveland Browns are terrible
and will remain so ever more.

The Browns feel really good about themselves after their
game with the Lions.They played,
easily, their best game of the year.At
times they appeared to be a competitive NFL Football Team.What has been lost in this feel-good story is
they still lost by 14 points and the Lions easily covered the spread.Now the Browns are at home against the
Jacksonville Jaguars, a team that has been slowly building themselves into a
defensive force with high draft picks.The Jags are sort of like the anti-Browns, where the players they have drafted have
turned out to be good.The Jags hit the QB
so often that the team has earned the nickname “Sacksonville”.This is not good for the sore ribbed DeShone
Kizer.

Jacksonville has real issues in the receiving corps with
anyone with experience injured.They are
going to run out there with “a bunch of guys”.I don’t think that will be a big issue as the Jags will likely combine a
strong running game with dink/dunk passes to the RBs and TEs to methodically
score 24-28 points in dull fashion.With
the spread, that means the Browns will have to somehow score three touchdowns
to cover the spread.No way.The Browns are somehow worse than their 0-9
record indicates.Just to be safe
though, I’m going to buy down a point and take Jacksonville -6.5 at -155.

There are too many games with uncertainties out there this
week.The Patriots play the Raiders,
normally a game of great interest.However, the NFL put the game in Mexico City.I’m not touching that.How do I know if Tom Brady doesn’t go out to
see Lucha Libre on Saturday night and get all fueled up on mescal?Maybe he decides to buy a bunch of street
tacos and spends Sunday shitting out everything he has eaten since 2007.Too much left to chance.

The Bills are starting some shitty backup rookie QB thinking
that will give them a jumpstart.Has a team with a winning record inserting
a guy into his first game midseason on the road ever worked out? (see Manziel, John for reference) At least the guy gets to play on the road in front
of a disinterested Los Angeles crowd (or lack thereof).Still, I’m not touching that game with a
spread of six.How about Miami and Tampa
with no Jameis or Tannehill?Nope.You want Ossweiler and the Broncos at home
giving two and a half?OK, then take the
other side with the Bengals getting the points on the road at Denver.Yeah, that’s not so good either.I have no clue as to who is starting in that
Houston v Arizona game.The Ravens and
Packers game might not even be televised, but since everything else looks so
awful I am going to wade in there.

Baltimore has always been a bad road team.Well, not always…Back when Ray Rice was knocking out the
ladies and Ray Lewis was “allegedly” dumping blood soaked clothes in the trash
they were really good.That was a long
time ago though.They are 3-8-1 ATS in
their last 12 on the road.The Packers,
who screwed me last week by beating the Bears, just might have found out how to
cobble together an offense.Not a great offense, but probably enough to win. I feel
slightly ill that I am betting on this game.
I am not even going to watch it. This is certainly a cry for help.I am a long way from self-actualization here.Green
Bay +2.5.

About Me

As the singer of The Whiskey Daredevils, a group of barely talented dead beat no frills rockers, I travel a great many hours in a van. In this van, many opinions are formed that need to be shared in this space. There are many things that make sense in the van that don't make nearly as much sense in the cold harsh light of daylight. This is not my concern.