Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I have been wanting to get some sleep. The last 5 hours just went by so fast. I could close my eyes and lie in the dark. Yet, thoughts keep creeping into my mind. The kind of thoughts that keep me awake.

This time, the thoughts were - my new project, my new downloads, my column for Wednesday, my client meeting tomorrow, my out of town trip towards the end of the week, collectibles from clients, and so many more.

I tried to keep them locked in the dark. Yet, these thoughts pushed their way into my consciousness and would not let me be.

So here I am, typing away. I can actually keep on going, but that would be boring.

I'll just end up here for now. I'll put those thoughts in writing some other time.

By the way, I can here the birds singing and the cocks crowing outside.

After getting into dead calm waters, I am now riding a wave. This wave can take me crashing into the rocks of great despair. . . . . . if I allow it to.

This wave gives me the opportunity to find out if I have learned my lessons from experience.

I am taking a new drug - Abilify - with the ususal mood stabilizer - Lamictal. I actually feel great today. I know that a part of this feeling is drug induced. I look forward to the day when I would no longer need any drug. . . . . . . to feel alright. Taking meds on a daily basis gets on my nerves sometimes. The feeling of having no choice at all on this aspect of my life leaves a funny feeling on the surface of my skin.

Friday, August 24, 2007

When I was told by the psychiatrist who went over my psychological exam that I had Manic - Depression, I really didn't understand what she meant by that. After listening to her explanation, I could hardly believe what she was saying. It took me quite some time to accept the prsence of this disorder. I felt helpless - if I accepted it, and powerless, if I didn't. Helpless because the disorder could not be healed by medication or any form of medical intervention. Powerless because the I had unknowingly been gripped by the disorder for so long. What kept me up all the time was the understanding that Me and my behavior or actions were two different entities (this is a bit hard to explain, but I hope you get the drift.) After accepting my condition, I decided to tell people I work with and friends around me about Manic - Depression or Bipolar Disorder. Their reaction were all the same - a questioning look - "Is there such a thing as that?" followed by - "I will pray for you!" and "Use your mind and will to fight your sickness!" Convincing them to accept the presence of Bipolar disorder is a bit tricky. Thanking them for their offer to pray for me is a bit touching. Accepting and doing their suggestion to use my mind and will to fight the disorder is really something else. Some people I know go to great lengths to convince me to stop taking my medication. They tell me "Taking medicine daily is bad" for my health. Instead, they present or offer to sell me at a discounted price this or that food supplement. I kindly thank them for their concern.

Yet deep inside, I still yearn for that period of time where I will be completely free from the grip of this dysfunction.

Enter Meditation.

Studies have shown that periodic meditation, over time, can alter the structure of the brain. Could this be "the" key to being able to free myself from this disorder.

Will I ever get to THAT condition where I will be free. I hope I will get there. Within my life time. So I can do what I have been wanting to, without medication, without getting stuck, without losing myself in a maze.

I really hope to get there. I believe meditation or deep, personal prayer will get me there.... soon.