Ten things that should be illegal

1. Not waving to the person who just let you merge in front of them
It would have taken you, what, one-second to acknowledge their kindness? Solitary confinement.

2. Not having pictures, art, or anything hanging on your walls
I’m always very suspicious of people with bare walls. Do they plan on moving soon? Do they keep a packed suitcase under their bed just in case they need to flee the country on the drop of a hat? Do they line their basement with mattresses so neighbours can’t hear them firing guns down there?

3. Putting salt on fruit
I mean: What. The. Fuck? I know waaay too many people who do this. It completely ruins fruit, and I don’t understand. I can’t even . . . Just illegalize it!

4. Microwave popcorn
Life sentence without parole. That shit stinks and tastes like crumbles of paper soaked in edible oil product.

5. People who talk in the theatre
Really, how hard is this one to understand? You don’t talk while the goddamn movie is playing. The very odd two-three word whisper to the person sitting next to you won’t land you in prison. Commentary, on the other hand, asking ‘what happened?’ because your bladder is too small, or some insecurity where you can’t handle not talking for minutes at a time will land you in jail.

6. Preferring the bastardized special editions of Star Wars
If you’re brave enough to admit you preferred it when Greedo shot first, you should be thrown in jail.

7. Putting books back on the bookshelf somewhere other than where you got them
Some poor bastard spent dozens and dozens of hours organizing those books alphabetically and numerically. Just think about that the next time you slot that book just anywhere you feel like slotting it. Don’t drop the soap in the showers.

8. Not having the money in your wallet facing the same way, and ordered by denomination
This just shows how little regard you have for the laws of the universe or whatever.

9. Buying bottled water
In the western world, this is just unacceptable, inexcusable, and unconscionable.

10. Not having soap in your bathroom
Really? I mean . . . REALLY? What is wrong with some people?!