Religious Man Thrown off Flight for Inappropriate Attire

An Italian monk on his way to Las Vegas to attend the funeral of his cousin was forced to wear a blanket by Southwest Airlines flight attendants. Apparently, the costume he was wearing had frightened some of the passengers, most of whom boarded the plane with him in Chicago, where his Air Italia flight connected him with a Southwest flight to Las Vegas.

The monk, who has been sworn to silence, could not talk to Real Wisconsin News, but official documents from the airline indicate that a flight attendant decided that the attire being worn by Brother Pietro Peroni could be detrimental to the flight because of its apparent mix between a Ku Klux Klan outfit, a ninja suit, and the clothes worn by the executioner of Joan of Arc. All three of these outfits are said to be against the unofficial dress code at Southwest Airlines that passengers are currently testing daily.

An airline spokeswoman, wearing a grey Lauren suit with not one but two buttons undone as to reveal approximately two inches of 36C cleavage, a birthmark prominently displayed on the left breast, not to mention a tantalizing extra-high, centered skirt slit and Andrea Moda 5105s, open at the ankle to display a butterly tattoo , had this to say: “Blah blah blah blah blah.” She also implied that the airline has seen an increase in non-family-oriented attire ever since the first Hooters waitress to be scolded (Kylie or Kaylay or some trailer park stripper-named girl) decided she would sue for damages to her wholesome reputation. A second similar case followed in less than a week.

The airline believes that Brother Pietro was also trying to cash in on the anticipated lawsuits and media circus. Southwest says they expect most girls flying between Vegas and LA to be wearing almost nothing in hopes that someone will ask them to cover up and then they can get interviewed on NBC’s Today show later on. “It’s kind of like when one high school or college girl gets pregnant by a local NBA star and then all of her friends also try to cash in on the expected baby-daddy payday,” said Dr. Phil. “It ain’t right, but it is nice to drive around in a Jaguar convertible—I oughta know.”

Brother Pietro was asked to remove his mask and stow his robe in the overhead compartment. He silently refused at first because apparently this action would have been an affront to the deceased, potentially damaging the dead cousin’s chances of getting into heaven in a timely manner. However, the monk did not want to miss the funeral altogether, so he eventually complied, taking off the mask and wearing a blanket over his robe. Worried about his cousin’s eternal soul, Brother Pietro repeated a few prayers incessantly and a number of passengers complained. A flight attendant told him that if he didn’t stop talking, a pilot would have to taser him and the plane would have to land in Omaha. He did not seem to understand what “Omaha” represented, and the attendant replied, “Inferno!”

Adding to his problems, records indicate that Brother Pietro filed a missing luggage complaint when he landed in Las Vegas. Among the luggage was a bottle of Evian water blessed personally by the Pope or one of his bishops, as well as tickets to an Elvis impersonator show.