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Trying

Today is June 4th. Just two days shy of the 7 month mark since I shared this post about the personal struggles I had been facing of late. In it, I discussed the ugly cycle of my SOBs (or States Of Being) and how they were the overwhelming force in my life and dictated my every action. And in that post, I also said that I would like to blog more, because I thought it would bring me just a little bit of joy. And maybe those tiny bits of joy might help knock me out of that ugly cycle. Just maybe.

But of course, things don’t always work out as planned (or hoped). The SOB cycles got worse and uglier, to the point where they were barely even cycles anymore. Instead, they just melted into an endless cloud of despair and failure that seemed to follow me everywhere. And I couldn’t write. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything at all, really. It took most of my energy just to get myself out of bed every day. After that, nothing else was possible. I had no energy left.

And I don’t want to get too far into the weeds here, but suffice it to say that ugly cycles and ugly feelings ultimately lead a person to do ugly things. I’m not proud of myself, and have struggled with excessive amounts of self-loathing over the past months because of actions I’ve taken that I truly, honestly believe are not me. I damaged friendships, and worse, I damaged myself. Perhaps one day my friends will forgive me for what I’ve done, but I will never forgive myself.

That was a breaking point for me, so I decided to take some time away. I love Amsterdam. It feels like home and I hope to remain here for a long time. But it’s also been the site of some pretty severe personal trauma and turmoil, and I couldn’t continue plowing through anymore. I had hit a wall. I needed to leave. So I went back to the U.S. and stayed with my parents for three weeks. I didn’t look for jobs or try to “move forward,” if you will. I just tried to be. To relax. To sleep and rest and enjoy what life might feel like if you had absolutely no worries at all (which, essentially, is what life feels like when you’re at your parents’ home, with a warm bed and free meals and nothing to do but be you).

Unsurprisingly, I went through many emotional cycles during that three weeks. And ultimately, it was good. I rested. I cried. I laughed. I learned. I planned. And I prepared to come back to Amsterdam knowing that a) I’m still not “ok,” and b) this shit isn’t going to be easy. But I made a plan, and while I still feel like I’m barely scraping at the bottom of the barrel emotionally, I’m at least somewhat less tired physically, and I am prepared to fight for the life that I want to lead.

This doesn’t mean I’m coming out guns blazing and full of energy and optimism. No way. I’m still sad most of the time, and every day still feels like a lot of effort. But I made some decisions at home that I intend to follow through on. And I don’t feel the need to list all of them here now, but there is one in particular that makes sense to share.

I intend to blog more.

You have every reason not to believe me, because I’ve said this before. But here’s the catch: this is beyond just a vague thought of “I should do this, it’ll be fun!” but more a “I MUST do this, it is now a requirement.” I’ve made a rule for myself that I have to post here at least once per week. Even if I don’t feel like it. It’s now required. It’s on my list of things that I decided. So, I’ll just have to suck it up.

Additionally, this ties into another “decision” I made at home, which I’m not quite ready to share in full, but hopefully will be exciting to some of you. Which also involves writing. And sharing things. And being cool. Or whatever people on the internet are doing these days.

So this all might sound insane, and that’s fair. I am a little bit insane (and always have been, I feel). But right now, my emotional brain is a mess of bad and ugly and crazy and, worst of all, soul-suckingly self-destructive. So it no longer gets to call the shots. My logical brain is now in charge. And my emotional brain is not going to like it, but tough shit. There are RULES now. This isn’t ‘Nam. (It’s also not bowling, but whatever.)*

Anyway. I don’t want to get too carried away here. I just shared a lot of really real shit and it’s a bit terrifying. Plus, I just talked about how my logical brain is in charge, while I sit here at 11:44 PM on a Monday after having consumed 3/4 of a bottle of red wine and spilling my guts on the internet. But whatever. At this point, you’ve probably already passed some judgment on me, and if the “drinking wine at 11pm on a Monday” is the thing that really puts you over the edge, you’re reading the wrong fucking blog.

See? I might be depressed, but I can still be an irreverent bitch. And somehow, that’s comforting to me. *insert winky kissy face emoji here*

To everyone who made it this far (and especially to the ones who know I’m not actually an irreverent bitch in real life), y’all are the best. For reals.

Thank you.

*If you didn’t catch the reference, look it up. And if you still don’t get it after you’ve looked it up, watch the movie. Not my fave but it’s a goddamn classic and everyone should probably see it at some point anyway.