Coffee Break – Fei Embellished Patent-Leather Slingbacks

It really feels like polka dots are everywhere this season! I love these splurge-worthy studded slingbacks in black and burgundy. The burgundy stripe reminds me of spectator pumps, and I can see these shoes livening up so many outfits. They’re (gulp) $725 at Net-a-Porter. Jason Wu Fei embellished patent-leather slingbacks

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Early threadjack–I’m about to conduct my first ever job interview (where I am in the interviewer, not the interviewee). I’m a federal law clerk and we’re interviewing law students as externs. Any interview tips?

1. Print out resume and review materials. Note any gaps or unique experiences. 2. Greet interviewee and give him my business card. 3. Ask a softball question. For law clerks: why did you decide to go to law school? or Why are you interested in working at this court? 4. Ask about what you’ve noted in the application materials or about their classes or extracurricular activities. 5. Ask if he has any questions.

If the interviewee is good at keeping a discussion flowing, this will fill up about a half hour. I try to leave 1/2 to 1/3 of the time for questions.

To write the evaluation, think about whether you want to see this person everyday, whether this person is enthusiastic about doing the work, and whether you want to invest your time to train this person.

guuuuuuuuuuh I always hated the “Why did you go to law school” question. You have my resume! What do you think I was going to do with my intellectually stimulating yet practically useless liberal arts degree?!

Eh, I mean, we’ve all been there, but by the time you’re interviewing for jobs a year or two in, I feel like you should be able to articulate a reason. At that point it’s basically a “what excites you about being a lawyer” question. Also, for students these days, there’s been enough bad press about the legal job market that they really should be able to articulate a reason.

Em is right. Softball questions are often more helpful than any other questions I can ask. Yes, they are silly questions. But they are questions that any candidate should have a rehearsed answer for. No rehearsed answer? The candidate isn’t prepared for the interview.

A lot of working at a firm is answering stupid questions for paralegals and other staff. So if the candidate responds by rolling his eyes and rushing through a canned response, I know he’s going to be difficult to work with.

Yes, I can easily deduce why most candidates are going to law school–and I’m not impressed by my deductions. If I was really interested in the substance of the answer, I’d grill the candidate on employment numbers for law grads and why he ignored advice from lawyers to avoid law school. But I don’t care. I want to see how the candidate spins his decision to come up with a persuasive justification.

I try to 1. Explain (fully-disclose) everything about the company/position that I can. I want to make sure that if they accept the position they do it with their eyes wide open and are aware of what they’re getting into. Sometimes this is hard because you don’t know all the assumptions other people make.

2. Try to ask questions that give me insight into their character and experience without saying “Are you a team player?” “Have you worked on big projects?” So, I’m trying to decide those things for myself from what they tell me. I ask things like – Tell me about a big project you worked on. What role did you play? What were the difficulties? How did you resolve them? – Tell me about a technical challenge you faced? How did you resolve it? Where do you typically go if you don’t know how to fix a problem?

When I was a law student interviewing for a judicial externship, I remember the clerks asking me about my writing sample. They just asked me to summarize the topic and major points of law, so I’m guessing they may have skimmed it beforehand, if that. It was good for them to see how I process and explain legal issues, and good for me because they were really engaged and interested, and it made me feel really comfortable with them.

any tips/feedback for someone seeking employment and getting nowhere? no money for pampering or treats, resume is updated, linked*n is updated, in contact with my local chapter of the national assoc. for my field, everywhere I can find to apply I am, everyone I’ve met mentions how stellar my resume is and I know I interview well… but I am not getting interviews and am running out of time on unemployment which is terrifying.

Maybe this is just a case of needing to wait it out and keep it up but my patience is running thin and my fear is increasing with each passing day. (Thanks in advance for the support)

Not sure if it’s applicable for your field, but can you see about writing an article (maybe for a trade publication) or getting on some sort of panel for an event your association is hosting? Also, you don’t mention whether you’re in touch with any alumni networks. Finally, is there anyone in your field you can ask about why you might not be getting interviews? It might be something you can’t change (i.e., your niche is X but everyone’s hiring for Y, or they want someone with 5 years of experience and you have 2) but there might be some ways to shift around what you’ve got to make your resume more appealing.

Make a list of as many relevant companies in your field in your area as you can think of. Look at 2nd and 3rd degree Linked*n contacts if you can, use Google, etc to make your list. Get in the habit of checking that list’s company websites weekly. Lots of companies (like mine) don’t advertise jobs on national boards like Monster, and only have postings on the company website for a short while. Annoying but true. Join networking organizations – is there some kind of “young professional” club (if you are a young professional) in your area? Alumni associations? College sorority alumni association? Have coffee dates with people you used to work with that have gone to other organizations, pick their brains about who might be hiring. Good luck to you.

I know opinions on this can be divided, but I have had luck getting invited for interviews by following up about my application. I suspect every little thing to get your resume to stand out in the pile helps.

Let’s see.. some things I can think of. Have you done LI searches for people’s profiles who have jobs you want? Maybe if you do that, you can see what key words other people are using to help increase your chances on getting seen. Do you have a routine of where you are applying for jobs? I would check LI, Indeed, Crgslst, and maybe 2 other sites when I was job hunting, usually once in the morning and once later on. I would search and apply to everything relevant. It was tedious, but at least it got me in the routine of consistently applying. On a good day, I could maybe do 6 applications and on a bad day, 0 or 1. Does your grad/u-grad school have an alum database? I managed to at least get some internal company referrals by looking in my schools’ database, emailing people, telling them I was applying to position ABC on their website and could they refer me to that instead? Have you been targeting positions that are maybe one notch below you experience wise? I got passed up for 2 positions (I was in the more final stages of IVing) for people who were 15+ years my senior- maybe you might have luck getting calls for positions a notch down from you (so, if you are at the 10 year mark, maybe look for positions wanting 5-7 years exp instead of 10-15). Final thing- I would avoid applying to positions at huge companies with giant application websites. Maybe you might get pulled, but just about all my interviews cam from smaller companies, companies where the resume was sent to a specific person, companies where recruiters contacted me, etc. I think out of the 100s of jobs I applied to, I literally only had ONE resume pulled from a giant company online application system, so when I was applying I didn’t even generally bother with that type of job unless I a) really really wanted it or b) could apply through the online system via an employee referral instead.

These are the things I can think of off the top of my head. Hope at least one helps.

Hand deliver your resume! If you’re the only applicant that walks in with a smile on their face then you are one step ahead of the people who applied online. I landed my current position and one previous position this way. Don’t forget to print your resume and cover letter on high quality paper.

I’m totally wiped out today and need to push through for a few more hours of meetings and boring busy (but deadline-driven) work – any tips? I’ve already cleaned my desk, which gave me a little boost this morning. We’re having a gray, rainy day and I just have this exhausting feeling like the walls are closing in and it will never be sunny again and all I want to do is sleep….

emcsquared – how about climbing a few flights of stairs or walking through a different floor? Then some siting or standing yoga poses that open up the lungs to get air to the brain. Google “yoga at your desk” – I found a good series at about [dot] com yogasequences – I’ll post the link in a second message. Then a cup of aromatic hot tea – mint, jasmine, earl grey. Good luck!

There’s a Housing Works Thrift Shop on 9th Ave./50th Street (apprx.), but the better location is on Columbus Ave & 74th (the best location is on W 17th St. in Chelsea between 6th and 7th aves., you really should just go there if you’re looking for this sort of thing because that entire block on 17th street is just cool little thrift stores and it should be no more than a 10 min. subway ride from Midtown West).

For restaurants in Midtown West, I really like Danji on W 52nd (sort of like Korean tapas and really good).

If you venture that way, there are also a few other thrift stores in that area in Chelsea. In Hells Kitchen, there is also a gigantic Salvation Army, if that’s your thing (46th bt 10th and 11th).

As for restaurants, I also love Taboon (Middle Eastern/Mediterranean at 52nd and 10th), which has the best bread and hummus I’ve ever had; Toloache (Mexican at 50th and 8th), which has delish watermelon margaritas and grasshopper tacos (never tried them!); and Kashkaval (Mediterranean wine and cheese bar on 9th bt 52nd and 53rd), which is a bit cheaper than the other two.

For restaurants, Yakitori Toto on 55th near 8th Ave. (Japanese), second the recommendation for Taboon. Closer to the Theatre District, Hell’s Kitchen on 9th Ave. between 46th and 47th is good (neuvo Mexican – the grilled shrimp is fantastic!), Nizza on 9th between 43rd & 44th (Italian – great pizza and pastas).

I read PostSecret pretty much weekly and follow him on FB. Its an amazing website. Apparently the app was something to see before it had to be shut down do to abusive behavior by a small segment of users.

I love my kids more than anything, but I felt serious pangs of jealousy when I read the last post about how people wind down after work. There are days I would give just about anything to veg out with wine and an old episode of Friends for an hour instead of scrambling to cook, take care of little ones and then, finally, getting to my own sh*t when I’m so tired I want to drop.

I just bought my first light charcoal with faint light grey pinstripes suit. Pinstripes are usually not my thing so this is my first one. Besides lighter grey, black and maybe burgundy, I am at a loss for what to pair it top-wise. I guess a white or light blue oxford would also work, but that look is a bit too “interview attire” for everyday wear for me. What do people normally wear with a charcoal pinstripe? Do you do patterns? Anything I should avoid? Thanks!

Rose is a very safe option. But I think anything that goes with gray goes with gray pinstripes. I’d try any shade of purple (just maybe not too dark, unless you lighten up the color with some big pearls), teal, light yellow, deep pink, mint green.

I don’t know these specific jeans (are they jeggings?) but I think I’d go with ones that are a bit too small. I’ve bought too-large and hoped they’d shrink in the dryer, but while they shrink in length and maybe the butt, they didn’t shrink as much in the waist, so after one wearing they’d be baggy and falling off.

I mean, not so small that it’s uncomfortable to bend or sit, but a bit tight is probably okay.

Sorry I can’t help. I just got my first pair of JAG jeans last week, but they are not the pull-on kind. I actually was wondering about getting them, but worry they would look like Pajama Jeans. Can you comment?

Ha, I had the same fear. The waistband is definitely a little odd, almost belly-bandy (but blends with the jeans, so not totally)… I wouldn’t want it show, let’s put it that way. But otherwise they look like normal jeans. I’m not a tuck-er, so I have no problem with covering the waistband, which is the only “tell.”

Comfort-wise, I would bet they rival Pajama Jeans. I have not yet stooped to PJs, though:)

Brooks Brothers, you fail me. With the launch of your new website there is no size chart. Searching size chart nets zero results, googling Brooks Brothers size chart takes me to their new home page, and calling Customer Service results in “John” telling me that he can’t email me a size chart since he only has a hard copy. John says if he tells him my measurements he can help me with my size. I say I’m 5’2″ and wear petites and he responds “Oh, I don’t have the petite sizes.” *rawr* Why bother calling it Customer Service?

Eek, I wear their petites sometimes and find they run a little bit big, and have slightly more boxy cuts. I realize that probably doesn’t help as much as you need, but you might try calling one of their stores (pick one in a ritzy area…) and asking the sales person there?

Thanks, I could go in person on the way to the (this site) meetup – there is one in Georgetown, but i don’t wanna. Contrary to popular belief, there is no Metro in G’town. I own some slacks and blazers, but I haven’t purchased anything this year. Now you have me thinking, maybe I’ll go in person. It is seriously only a mile away.

There’s one on Connecticut Avenue two blocks north of the Farragut North metro. They have friendly and helpful salespeople there, but very limited section of petites. (I complain about that all the time.) Still, trying on one or two things would give you an idea of sizing. I find their petite sizing to be fairly standard. I’m a 6/8, wear 8P and Medium at BB.

I hate their new website. I also hate Anthro’s new website. I am generally anti-change though (I was not happy when this site was redone, either). Soon I will probably be yelling at you all to get off my lawn.

Yes, that’s the discount I was trying to take advantage of, too. I schlepped over on the bus and got the navy lambswool blazer (fits great on a petite body since it’s cropped). Now I have to dash to the DC meet up!

I clicked through to the MC article, and the end of this almost made me cry where the author talks about a sign she saw that said Clinton ’08, Sophie ’40. Writing that made me almost tear up again. Drat.

sometimes I wish I could be a stay at home housewife. Logically, I know it would make me crazy to be dependent financially but the idea of only worrying about cleaning and cooking sounds so wonderful sometimes.

Me too. Work is unfulfilling, nothing else that is a viable career option is attractive, and I am sick of school. And I think I would be good at housewifery/housemummery — great with kids, good cook, like cleaning….

Me too. When work drives me up the wall, I find myself daydreaming about cooking healthy meals for BF & I, organizing our closets, and taking midmorning exercise classes – all things that my usual Type A, overachiever self usually would cringe at. Lately, that daydream has become more and more compelling, sadly.

I secretly hope you take a holiday off, enjoy it with your friends, and then you’ll know your options next year. I wish you a happy holiday you can look forward to, even though I’m biased because my own family is dysfunctional.

This was me last year. I felt really guilty over not going to see my family (extended family has dysfunctional tendencies). We had a low-key holiday and relaxed the entire weekend. This year, I thought about what I was going to tell my parents, but my mom already told me that she guessed we would want to do our own thing again. It feels like a huge weight is gone.

That phrase, “there but for the grace of God go I” is what comes to mind when I read about stuff like this. I think we’ve all had these moments. The folks who saw you were probably nervously checking their own garments, because people can be very self-centered. :-)

Even though I’m not afraid of hard work, what I really want most out of life is to be able to sustain my current standard of living (which is more than comfortable, but not extravagant) without working hard, or much at all.

Me too. I am not even going to go anon. I can’t quite bring myself to actually stop the BC pills but I also kind of wish it would just accidentally happen. I would obviously freak out and panic, but I think I would also be really amazing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

We just had the pull the goalie convo 3 weeks ago. It came up as part of a debate about the next car we have to buy, on the way home from my exboyfriend’s wedding. We decided there is never a “good time” and we could survive living off one income if we had to…so we’ll see.

Me too. I know this is horrible and I feel guilty every time, but sometimes if I get in bed and I’m on the edge of sleep and realize I accidentally forgot to take my pill, I don’t get up and take it because I kind of want it to happen… but then I always take it first thing in the morning.

I want to have like, 5 kids, but I know I won’t because I also want to be able to travel and enjoy life and because I’m afraid of what my body would look like. But if I hit the lotto, just call me FP Angelina.

Me too. I have 4 kids. I know everyone I work with thinks I’m totally nuts (I’m an attorney). Hubs really wants one more – apparently he’s crazy too! I don’t think I could keep working and deal with 5 small kiddos. I’m really torn. I have a baby so I can put off the decision for a few years, but not long – I’m 36! If anyone I work with reads this, they’ll totally know who I am.

So take this with a grain of salt because I have 30 first cousins but zero children of my own, but 5 doesn’t seem like all that many to me. I have two sets of five cousins, and both are two-working-parent households. I think once you hit 3 (i.e. once the kid-to-parent ratio is skewed in favor of the kids) it doesn’t matter anymore.

I’ve been there. I had 3 m/c before 3 successful pg. I often felt cheated that I didn’t get to really enjoy pregnancy – that I was always worried or scared & couldn’t feel as carefree as some of my pg friends appeared to be.

I’m in a relationship with a guy I really do love and adore. I know he’s not perfect, but sometimes I feel like I’m in it because I just want to get married, not have to date anymore, and just move on to the next phase of my life and not have to worry that I’ll be 40, husband-less, and child-less.

I half way want an arranged marriage because then I could get to the next phase too, and not be single and childless. Instead I keep going out with guys that are just “okay”, but I don’t see a future with

I got into an “emotional affair” a few years ago, and it dragged on for a long time. A few months ago I made it very clear that we needed to stop whatever we were doing, and I cut off all contact, but I still think about this guy every single day. Nothing ever happened between us and I’m determined never to go back to that place, but I wonder if I can’t get over it now, when can I?

don’t beat yourself up, sometimes our brain fills in the “what could be”s of something that never happened to be amazingly better than reality and it’s tough to find a real person to measure up to the imagined. give it time.

I was hanging out with a colleague at the hospitality suite at a conference and said i was going to bed. If he had said the same at the same time, i think I would have done something with him. We are both married and he has a kid. And I am happily married and assume they are too. i still think about it all the time.

this is a good segue into my secret: I cheated on my now-husband when he was my boyfriend. We were living together at the time and he found out. We “separated” for a month and got back together and now we’re married. He was and is an absolute angel about it and in the 5 years or so since it happened, has only brought it up ONCE (and then very opaquely – I was giving him a hard time about something and he was like, “Don’t pretend that you never did anything wrong” and that was it). I feel guilty about it but what am I going to do? I don’t think it’s my place to be like, Oh remember that time I destroyed your trust in me?

So the segue: prior to my cheating on my now-husband, I thought about cheating on him frequently with an assortment of different men. Now that I did it and he found out and it’s over, I have not thought about it a single time. I think it’s something i just needed to get out of my system.

I am the ‘before’ in your secret. I married my first serious boyfriend and over the last year I can’t stop thinking about having an affair. I don’t know if I’m unhappy in my marriage or just regretting marrying so young and inexperienced.

I say my 2 kids were “suprises” but even though I was on BC when I conceived I was being really, really sloppy about it. Like forgetting pills way more often than I should have and not informing husband we should backup. Not on purpose, but thoughtlessly. Love my kids very much and so does the husband, but he would probably be pretty mad if he knew just how many times I missed pills. I’ve since handed him a box of condoms and told him it is his turn to be responsible for BC for a while.

Well, no one knows this but even though I tell people our BC screwed up for our first, it was actually me. I screwed up, and it was one of those accidentally-on-purpose screw ups.. And I know it. Not even my husband knows it. And I forced the issue with #2 in a way that I knew that I’d end up pregnant. My husband can perseverate on a decision for months (it took us a full year to pull the trigger on buying a new car) and I knew I wanted to have another child sooner rather than later. I didn’t lie to him, but I did get things moving in that direction without explicit discussion of consequences.

I want to cut ties with my mother. My siblings will take her side and, though we are not close, the only hesitation in totally cutting her off is that I know I’d lose the potential to ever have a relationship with my siblings. Not sure why I care anymore since they make no effort with me except when they need something. I just need to cut it all off.

Maybe worst of all, I’m child-free by choice but also happen to be single. It means not only having no family anymore if I do that but also I worry about dating and finding someone who doesn’t think I’m an awful person for this.

I cut off ties with my mother, and my now husband is very supportive of it. Anyone who cares about you wants you to be happy and healthy; if having a relationship with your mother causes you to be unhealthy, then they won’t pressure you to keep it up.

As someone who put off telling my SO about my dysfunctional family because I was worried he would judge me for it, I just want to say that your mental sanity cannot be valued enough. Not only will the right person want you to be happy, but they will realize that your ability to prioritize your health is good for the relationship itself.

sometimes I dream of being able to randomly shop like some of you talk about doing, even though I hate shopping. sometimes I dream about having an amazing husband like some of you do. sometimes I can’t imagine working the insane hours so many of you do. sometimes I hate that I compare myself to you all, even when I know how much I’ve grown and learned from you all.

My DH recently stopped smoking pot, after a year or two of increasing dependence. (he had a medical card for it) I know I’m supposed to be so happy for him, and encouraging, and proud, and I am all of those things. But I’m still pissed as hell about what it took away from us while it was ongoing.

I can top you. I’ve actually chosen not to respond to guys on online dating forums because I know immediately from their profession, that I would be the primary breadwinner if it ever got serious, and I just. don’t. want. to. be.

I WAS the breadwinner for a while (and only one employed) and I can say….. I hated it. My husband was doing all the cooking and cleaning and as much as I thought I’d love that, I absolutely hated it. I didn’t know where anything was. I felt like I didn’t contribute anything to our household but money. Once he got a job and I took back some of the household duties (primarily cooking!) I felt so much more fulfilled. As a feminist, I am truly embarrassed to admit this.

I’m the primary breadwinner right now and I hate it. And I know DH hates it. And every day when I walk into the dirty kitchen, I wonder WTH he does it at home all day, because it’s clearly not cleaning. It makes me feel like some jerk husband from a 1950s movie expecting to be met by my smiling perfect wife in the perfectly clean living room. And then I feel guilty. I think I’d feel more fulfilled if I were the 1950s housewife.

I didn’t marry rich, and sometimes I wonder if I made the wrong decision because my husband won’t ever be able to give me the lifestyle that my family has, and I don’t have the desire to work that hard.

Me too. I have a rich fantasy life about what things will be like once I meet and marry Dr. MoneyBags (as I call him). In addition to being fabulously wealthy, he’s handy around the house. We have a great life.

I am the breadwinner. I’m okay with it. My husband, however, does not do anything around the house. I hide this from my friends because they would judge me for being married to a guy who doesn’t do housework when his wife works much longer hours and earns the money.

I am the breadwinner. I always thought I would be ok with that, but now I am starting to really resent the amount of free time my husband has, and that he is able to spend so much time with the kids while I am at work. Its stressful to know that its all on me whether or not we can pay the mortgage this month. At least he cooks & cleans better and more often than I do, or this situation would be a total disaster.

I am the primary breadwinner, which was planned. What was not planned was his feeling of entitlement. He doesn’t do his share at home, much less the 75% that he should be doing when he works 30 hours a week versus my 55 per week. He has a job that a high school grad could do and he has a degree. The kids are all almost in college and the marriage will be ending soon. My fear is that I’ll have to pay support/alimony unless I can convince the judge that he was a worthless lazybones by choice. This is a guy who always talks about his “genius” IQ.

I love my SO and he is totally awesome in every way that matters, but he had a less privileged upbringing than me and is therefore less educated and has travelled way less than me. Sometimes I just wish he would pick up a book instead of watching home renovation shows on TV. But saying that makes me feel shallow and elitist.

My SO is very, very smart (he’s a P.E.) and is an excellent “lifelong learner”: – he watches the NASA channel when he watches tv, uses free internet time to learn how to fix house things, etc. But the only books he will read are how-tos: how to hunt deer, how to train to run a triathlon, how to make cabinets, etc etc. I also wish he would read a freakin novel once in a while so he isn’t always excluded from the conversation when books come up at a dinner party. I also feel elitist about this.

Even though I always say differently, sometimes I get tired of being the breadwinner & being the strong one for my emotional/depressed husband. I love him & wouldn’t leave him, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be married to a more emotionally stable person.

And I’m the opposite. My career tanked and I was left unemployed, so now I am back in school for something else. I don’t know when the next time is that I will have a salary, and even then it probably won’t be anything great. I don’t want kids, I can’t cook, and I’m on and off depressed due to everything that happened. I have very little responsibility, but I can’t enjoy it. I keep thinking how I’m such a dead weight on my husband. What is he getting out of this? If he wanted to leave me, would he be stopped by a sense of obligation to take care of me? I know he loves me, but honestly I’m sure he could also love someone else who did want kids, or was a good cook, or made a salary–maybe all of these things. I’m so afraid that he secretly feels about me the way some of you breadwinners secretly feel toward your husbands. I always thought I was such a go-getter and I feel like I’d give anything to be financially independent and strong like you ladies. The grass is greener…

You responded to my secret. About 95% of the time I’m totally happy & satisfied with my life. I love my dh. I love my job. I’m so grateful I’m in a position to provide for our family. Most of the time it makes me feel powerful. However it’s just those times when I’m having a bad day and it feels like I’m not allowed to have a bad day that I feel like I do in my secret. I constantly remind my dh that he is more than is job. And it’s true. I’m sure your dh loves you and is glad that he’s able to support you & be there for you during your difficult time, like I feel with my dh. You are more than a balance sheet or a resume and bring more to your relationship than you realize. Hang in there!

I am the above person. Thank you–this is so sweet. I do try always to remember that when he comes to me with a problem, I need to be the strong one for that time. I’m so jealous of his success and security, but I need to be a support to him too instead of just acting like I’m “the one who has problems.”

Thanks for taking the time to comment on what I said–it really means a lot.

I’m afraid I’ll be forever alone because I’m still a virgin by choice. It’s not that I’m $exually repressed or a prude, I just really want to be with only one man, and not necessarily married but a commitment for the future. I understand that divorce and infidelity could happen but I hope it doesn’t. I also dread dating for the look of horror on a man’s face when he discovers he won’t be getting laid after x amount of dates.

I was this girl and was really embarassed about it. All through my early 20s, just wanted to get it over with. Finally ended up sleeping with my current SO (and I’m sure he’s “my one” but we’re not engaged yet) and don’t regret waiting one bit.

I am going back and forth, which is better than before for sure. The comments from this morning really did help immensely. I was able to finally call my best friend and talk about it a bit. I am freaking out about the conversations to come, though. UGH. Thanks for your thoughts.

This is not stupid or embarrassing. I ‘ve slept with two guys I didn’t even care that much about, and I really, really regret it. I’ve heard the same thing from a few other people, so I know I’m not alone. I wish I had waited.

Don’t feel bad about it at all! I have the opposite problem: my H hates the fact that I ever slept with other men. (Fingers in ears, “I’m not listening” la la la style if it ever comes up that I dated before him).

I suppose it’s because he was a virgin for marriage #1. But I don’t think he has room to talk since he cheated on her with one woman 7 years in, then cheated on her with me, 25 years in–which is definitely my worst secret.

I’ve gotten good at justifying it. He was miserable, she was miserable, his family was thrilled when they met me and he divorced… but I am still a horrible person, there was no excuse, and I’m terrified that anyone will ever find out, especially in my professional life.

I was a virgin when I got married (no regrets.) My husband was not. I resent him (and the girl he slept with) for it. I hope everyone else is a better person than I am, because I wouldn’t want to be judged on my past. I love my husband and hate that I have these feelings towards him.

Sometimes I want to take even a bit of the spare spending money I have ($50 or $100 or more) and sent it (or a gift card) to some of the ‘rettes that I know are struggling. I get really excited about the idea, and then I end up forgetting to contact them for mailing addresses to do so and then I don’t end up following through. And then I remember and feel guilty and lazy about it.

i still am head over heels for my high school boyfriend, even though he would have been a disaster for me and we have completely different lives. we’re still in touch and friendly, but i still dream that one day he’ll show up on my doorstep…..

I hate Hate HATE the holiday season. I hate the costs of travel, the obligatory events no one enjoys, the debt people go into for gifts, the family garbage, and hearing the same 10 songs on repeat. Which leads right into the need to have the perfect glittery outfit, party plans, and date for the big countdown. Now that this season has started in stores as early as late september, I feel like it is just the never ending scrooge feeling. Why can’t we skip from mid-september to mid-January?

I hate Christmas. No, let’s not put the Christ back in Christmas or get offended when I say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” I belong here as much as you even though I don’t celebrate. Please don’t force it down my throat and get angry when I protest the hegemony of Christmas.

Mine is opposite of yours, lol. I feel like October-December are the only reason to live. The rest of the year is just the awful drudgery between holiday seasons.

I think it is because my mother was only bearable during the holidays for my entire childhood.

I later found out it was because she hates the holidays and went to the doctor every year and got massive amounts of various drugs for the season. (Ahhh, the 70’s, lol). But that knowledge changes nothing.

I hate the holidays too. I irrationally worry about how much my parents are spending on me and the kids. I honestly make myself sick over it. I hate how our decision on where we spend the holidays somehow (in our extended family’s eyes) is equal to the amount of love we have for that person. I hate decorating for Christmas, and if I didn’t have kids wouldn’t, but I feel like I have to.

This. For me, Christmas = measuring how much you love someone by how much money you spend on that person’s gift. Plus all the time and expense to be faking happiness and love for and from people you honestly don’t like that much and who treat you poorly. I hate that fake, consumer frenzied holiday. After I got married to a lapsed non-Christian-religion guy, I haven’t celebrated Christmas once. It’s so freeing.

Oh, honey, I’ve so been there. I was actually relieved the year I got bronchitis and had to back out of everything for Thanksgiving. Last year, I cooked only because my friend can’t make mashed potatoes without a recipe.

She arrived at my house with the potatoes, a bowl, masher, and a recipe! I laughed so hard. They had also brought a pie that they spent hours on and it was raw. She couldn’t believe I made up the stuffing without a recipe. I love her dearly but she can’t cook.

I was anorexic/bulemic in high school. Now I’m obese, and while I’m glad I’m past the emotional roller coaster I was on, I hate myself sometimes for not being able to be even half as disciplined about food as I was back then. I don’t want to be anorexic again, I just want enough willpower to not eat junk food all day. Sometimes I hate myself for NOT hating myself because I’m fat, if that makes any sense.

Please consider treatment. This is a raw subject for me as I just went to a funeral for a friend who died of anorexia, and am a recovered anorexic myself (after a long involuntary hospitalization that nearly cost me my education and future). As you know if you have had an eating disorder before, they are terrible diseases and get harder to treat the longer you have them.

As a Republican I find this sad. You should have the courage to state your mind and share views. And yes, it would be equally disturbing if you had said “Democrat” instead of “Republican” in your comment.

I realize that I didn’t communicate well what I meant. What I meant is that you are entitled to your own opinions and your friends should accept you even if your opinions differ from theirs. That is what is sad to me.

IANAL but every one of my friends who is assures me this is not at all uncommon. Padding your hours by 200 for one client would be, but an extra 15 when you were actually checking This-Site? I think that’s not uncommon.

I resent that my husband doesn’t make nearly as much money as I do. For the months he was involuntarily un- or underemployed, I was resentful and lost respect for him. I am angry at myself for how slowly it is growing back. We are talking about the idea of him being a SAHF once we TTC. We can’t both work these long hours and have a baby, and it would probably be best for baby if one of us SAH, but I am afraid SAHF will make me lose respect for him again. We cannot afford for me to be a SAHM, and I don’t want to be one. I am a “feminist” hypocrite.

I have really strong feelings for a co-worker. We clicked from the moment he started working with us, and we’ve gotten pretty close. He’s in a serious relationship, so nothing physical will ever happen, but when I think of all our interactions, I know if I were his girlfriend, I’d be pissed.

This is really gross… I can’t stand the sound of Q-tips in my ears – it’s like nails on a chalkboard, it sends shivers down my spine – so I use the top of bic pens, the ones where the top makes a nice little scoop (after I clean them with rubbing alcohol!), to clean my ears instead. I’ve never told anyone and I’m so embarrassed even posting this anon.

i don’t think it’s gross… a lot of east asians have special earwax cleaning tiny spoons, and my mom was too scatterbrained to have any handy, so when i was small, she’d clean my ears with bobby pins. same thing.

Q-tips are gross! I can’t get over thinking I’m going to poke my ear drum out and scrape up my brains. My husband makes fun of me.. but I just clean mine out with hydrogen peroxide about every 6 months or so.

I’m a feminist who prides herself on being independent and putting my career first, but I’m willing to sacrifice it all for my current SO. I want to be married, and spend time looking at wedding blogs even though I’m at least a year away from being engaged. I’m not sure how to reconcile that and am way too embarassed to tell anyone.

Are you me? I feel like I could have written this comment. I’m 12-18 months away from being engaged, but I know it’s in the cards for us, and I find myself fantasizing about marriage and stay at home mother/wife-hood far more than my successful, independent, feminist self should.

Shoot, I posted this above but I’ll say it again. I love my kids more than anything, but I felt serious pangs of jealousy when I read the last post about how people wind down after work. There are days I would give just about anything to veg out with wine and an old episode of Friends for an hour instead of scrambling to cook, take care of little ones and then, finally, getting to my own sh*t when I’m so tired I want to drop.

I love the munchkins, but 5-7:30pm is the worst part of my day (daycare pickup, commute, dinner, bedtime). Also sometimes I hate weekends. I even scheduled a family lunch with my MIL (who is basically Lucille from Arrested Development, just less fun), just to kill a few hours on the weekend.

I secretly worry that someday all of my loathing for working in a client services profession will catch up to me and I will murder the next dumb f*ck client who makes an unapologetically unreasonable request. And I resent my DH keeping me locked in this job so that he can have a marine aquarium and a closet full of expensive shoes and sports equipment (even though I love him dearly).

I have no desire to spend any time with my coworkers outside of work hours. At all. I would rather have a root canal. The strange thing is that for the most part, I like all my coworkers. They are all friendly and down-to-earth, but they are very much into the peer pressure/groupthink mentality. Whenever I am faced with that mentality, it is in my nature to rebel and reject any invitations.

I hate spending time with coworkers at sanctioned work events. I never know what to say or do, and I feel like it is a waste of my time. I wish we could just come to work and leave. Why do we have to pretend like we are all besties?

My husband left me because he was gay. I’m ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone because I know that immediately they want to know if we had a normal s$x life. People always ask, “how could you NOT know?” Trust me, you could not know.

And there’s this idea out there in the straight spouse community that you should be all happy and supportive of your gay ex, but I just hate him for wasting years of my life.

I get irrationally angry/bitter at all of the people out there who make 2-3-4 times what I make and are absolutely incompetent at their jobs (CEOs of companies that go bankrupt/ whoever designed the Brooks Brothers website mentioned above/some of the idiots my Dad works with, etc) when I am incapable of not working hard and feel guilty about what I am not doing all the time, and yet make below a living wage for my area. I really wish I could have some stupid job I don’t care about that pays a ton, and do a terrible job at it.

And then I feel guilty for even thinking about ‘selling out’ … and then mad at myself for feeling guilty….

This is bad….I wish my grandmother would just peacefully pass away. Soon. She has lived a long and full life and is now close to 90 and in a nursing home due to dementia and a broken hip. She is well cared for but miserable. What’s also hard about the situation is how this affects my mom (her daughter). She visits her every day, cooks/brings over food, tries to coax her out of bed, and is generally stressed all the time worrying about the quality of care the nursing home is providing. My mom doesn’t travel, see her friends much, or take any time for herself. I feel like when my grandmother does finally die, I will breathe a (quiet and guilty) sigh of relief.

I wished for my grandfather to peacefully pass away after a long and full life and a months-long painful and debilitating illness that was very, very hard on my loving grandmother, and hard on the rest of the family. He peacefully passed earlier this year knowing he was loved and, when lucid, feeling ready to go. I breathed many a quiet and not guilty sigh of relief. He was too good a man to have suffered much longer at the end than he did. I am so grateful he passed peacefully. I do not think that makes me a horrible person, nor you. My grandfather would agree with me.

I felt like this about my grandfather who was really sick and died earlier this year. My mom (her dad) was constantly traveling to visit him and felt so much guilt about not being able to be there all the time for him. When he died, I felt relieved and didn’t even cry at the funeral because of that. Still feel guilty about it though…

NO. It makes you a deeply compassionate person who recognizes suffering for what it is. You are also smart enough to realize the only solution to her suffering would be her death.

Channel these feelings into the difficult conversations with your parents about their wishes as they age and perhaps become less able to advocate for themselves. More than once, I have called up the son or daughter of a densely demented 90 year old who presents from a nursing home with an abdominal catastrophe in the middle of the night. An operation will likely kill them. Not operating will certainly hasten their demise. There will be some degree of suffering no matter what. Can I tell you how many times the adult child tells me “I don’t know, I haven’t ever thought of this?” Please. Please. I can write a powerful lot of morphine and other good drugs that will reduce the pain and anxiety of death and make it more peaceful, if you would let me, if you were confident in your decision.

Sorry, off soap box. But you are not a bad person. At all. At all at all at all.

Hi anon. So sorry to hear that. Just so you know, even those of us who might have appeared successful might also be stressed, anxious, and totally unsure of what we are doing. I know that for me, the meet-up was an excellent part of my transition out of a depression that made me consider going on anti-depressants for the first time in my life. I was happy because I was finally feeling interested in life again… all because of a website. I hope you come to another meetup soon. Hugs.

This happened to me, 17 years and 2 kids ago. I have never, ever, ever, ever, (thanks, Taylor) told anyone about it! I wouldn’t say it ruined things in the long run, if that’s any consolation. Totally unlike me, it has been a secret that become easier to keep as the years go by. When I look back it’s a funny postscript even though it did take a bit of the shine off the day at the time….These poor guys – at least you can console yourself with the fact that he knew you’d want to be surprised and set out to accomplish that. Plus, kudos to you for allowing him to keep his illusions. I wish you many wonderful years together during which you’ll come to think of your secret as a favour to him (assuming he deserves favours from a woman as wonderful as you!).

Oh, it’s really ok. We’re 5 years married now. I just know that the guy I *almost* married would have pulled off the surprise. But then I’d be married to him, which would be terrible. So I win. It just makes me a little sad whenever he brigs up how surpriised I was.

I have a “dream job” that everyone I meet is jealous of, and I am bored out of my mind. I banked up a ton of credibility in the first few years and have been totally coasting on my reputation. The subject matter I work with used to be my life’s passion, and now I can’t get the energy up to even go to the office before 10am. I don’t know wtf is wrong with me, but I know I can only coast for so long and eventually it’s going to come back to bite me.

I never had issues with food until I went away to law school. My ED was bad for the first few months, then I banished it for almost a year. It is now five years later, and no matter what, even if things have been good for a while, it always seems to come back. It’s not even necessarily stress-related. I sometimes wonder if there’s a deeper connection between my choice of vocation and my tendency to hurt myself, or if this is something that’s always been lurking. I have friends who have been through the same thing, and even though I know they are caring and supportive, no matter what, whenever they ask how I’m doing, I say I’m fine (even if I’m not).

I’m trying on-line dating, and discovering how racist I am, because I only consider white guys. And how much of a snob I am, because I want someone who comes from a privileged background like me. And sometimes I like to think that is a reflection on how on-line dating is set up, but really I think it’s just me.

I do the same thing via online dating. What makes that particularly strange is that the men I meet in real life and go on dates with are rarely white, but the online experience makes me search for someone with my same background.

AAANNYYYWWAYYY, hopefully no one is reading anymore ;) but if they are, this was an amazing thread. Thank you K for starting it, and thank you to everyone for sharing your secrets, and this is why i love this place… And, we should do this every few months, it’s really incredible. Huuggsss to all the r e t t e s, love you!

Sorry, I’m reading, and I want to tell you that you’re not a failure at life. Even if you think so! I obviously don’t know you irl, but every comment I’ve seen from you is incredibly positive and uplifting. You’ve helped me personally several times look at things in a more positive light. I appreciate you and your input! So thank you for being you. :) And I feel like a failure in real life more often than I should too. I’ve been having one of those days today :/

aww, Leigh! That is ssoooo sweet of you, you’re making me cry! ;o) i can’t even express how much this community has changed my life lately, and it is so amazing to feel like i might be helping other people when my life is such a mess, :o\ I hope your day gets better tomorrow, and thanks for being here, you’re awesome!

I almost didn’t respond because I thought you might prefer the illusion of thinking no one read your secret, but I decided that it’d be worse to think people did and had no desire to respond. You are an incredible person who clearly cares about people and works hard to better yourself. I truly do understand this sentiment and the emotions and I really hope you seek out therapy, good friends, good food, good music, whatever makes you happy so you give yourself breaks until things turn around. Karma does exist and yours is clearly awesome! ((hugs))

well i really was hoping no one was reading it! ;o) but it’s nice to get support, too, you are so sweet!! I honestly just try not to whine/rant/complain too much here, so that’s the only reason i meant to post that as anonymous… but things are getting better!! and this site and some of you amazing r e t t e s that have become my real friends are the main reason they are!! srsly. Love you!

Relationship TJ: I’ve read with interest the hive’s relationship advice to others and wanted a reality check about whether I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. My IRL friends all love my husband so I don’t feel comfortable talking to them about this. I’ve been married for awhile. My husband is a good guy and generally pulls his weight. We don’t disagree about important things and we don’t fight. The problem is that we have no spark. We were never that couple you hate going to dinner with because they can’t keep their hands off each other, but things have really one downhill since I became pregnant. The pregnancy was unplanned and was the result of a BC failure. I had wanted to remain child free and Hubs went along with it but he was elated when I got pregnant. Nonetheless, he was very distant my whole pregnancy. We didn’t have a single lady garden party. When we discussed it, he said he was really freaked out by the whole pregnancy process. Since the baby was born a year ago, we have not gone out on a single date. I have repeatedly tried to plan one but have given up because he is so noncommittal. We have had 4 LGPs in the past year, all initiated by me. Hubs is completely unaffectionate (kisses me maybe 2x per week, never touches me) and frankly seems uninterested in me (never asks about my day, barely talks to me about anything but chores and scheduling, leaves for work without saying goodbye, etc.). He will tolerate it if i am affectionate but I don’t like feeling like he is just putting up with me. He will talk to me if I drive the conversation but after working a 12 hour day, working out and juggling a baby and a household I don’t have a lot of energy to maintain a one sided chat. He didn’t get me gifts for my birthday, mother’s day or our milestone anniversary, though I got him gifts. I’ve talked to him about these issues several times and he claims that nothing is wrong, he still loves me and things will improve. I’m tired of putting in all the effort and am having a hard time motivating myself to keep taking the initiative. I’ve ruled out the standard issues: he has no symptoms of depression and has always had robust mental health; he isn’t stressed out by his job and loves it; the baby has been sleeping well for six months, so no exhaustion; I’ve been back in pre-pregnancy shape for a long time so it shouldn’t be an issue with my appearance.

All of this seems really petty to the other relationship issues I read here, but when I think about spending another 50 years with a husband who acts like my roommate, I tear up. Am I expecting too much? Is this just a normal post-baby stage? How do I/we move forward? He thinks therapy is weird and psychologists are quacks, so I have been hesitant to suggest couples counseling. I could go to therapy alone but I understand how I feel and why, so I don’t know if there would be much benefit.

First of all, you’re not expecting too much or making a mountain out of a molehill. You are human and you have emotional (and other) needs not being met. It’s more than understandable that you feel so upset!

I think you probably could benefit from going to therapy on your own, if only to figure out what you want to do next if he doesn’t change. Although he doesn’t understand therapy, would he be willing to go because you asked him to, even if he didn’t want to? I know you’re hesitant to ask, but the idea of staying together brings you to tears, so obviously this is a big enough stress for you to be truly important.

I also wouldn’t be surprised if folks recommend the beloved “too good to go, too bad to stay” book, which might also help you.

Most of all though, please know you can come here any time to talk to us. We don’t judge and we will totally support you through whatever process is to come! ((hug))

My heart breaks to read this. No, you are not expecting too much. Something has changed and you need to invest some energy into figuring out what it is and how/if it can be fixed. Start with some therapy of your own and develop the words to ask your husband the hard questions about your relationship and its future. This is not normal.

This is definitely a big deal. There may be people who can happily live in a marriage like this, but it sounds like you’re not one of those people and therefore it’s a big deal. What I don’t understand is how he can say “nothing is wrong” and “things will improve”? Those are contradictory. That makes me think he at least realizes things have changed. It makes me wonder what he thinks will change that will lead to things improving? I agree with the others who say you could benefit from therapy on your own. The therapist might help you with ways to articulate to your husband how you feel, and might help you handle his response.

Hugs to you. I went through something similar with my husband (although I was the distant one) after the birth of our second child. I think I did show visible signs of problems though-I was completely overwhelmed and angry due to my full time work schedule and the fact that I was essentially a single mom due to his BigLaw schedule. My hubs also did not like the idea of therapy (although he eventually went). I second K’s advice that you start therapy on your own. It is invaluable. What you are going through is not normal. If it helps at all, my husband and I did resolve our issues over time and are still married-much more happily married than before. Good luck!

That sounds really hard. I think you maybe have to keep trying to talk to him about how very upset it makes you that he feels more your room-mate than your life-partner. It sounds like you’re really unhappy – not because there was no crazy spark before, but because of how he is treating you *now*.

If he just won’t listen/refuses to make any changes, well, that’s a tougher situation. Big hugs. That room-mate thing sucks – I’ve been there. It’s not making a mountain out a molehill – this is big important stuff.

this is a mountain not a molehill. this happened to me.. and it was that he was having an affair. I think you need to get to therapy stat. these are big issues. they are not insurmountable, but the fact that you cry when you think about spending the rest of your life with him is a huge deal.

I went through something very similar, in terms of the emotional deep-freeze (and the no anniversary gift). In my case, it turned out my husband was struggling with deep-seated personal issues, and we did end up divorcing. Not saying that you will but validating your sense that this isn’t right.

It sounds like he is unhappy about something, and it either unwilling or unable to communicate that to you.

I had a situation like this in a previous relationship. We’d never had a ton of chemistry, but we were great friends. But something changed. He was distant, he was cold, he was noncommital. I would ask what was going on, or even try to guess, and he would repeatedly tell me that things were fine, I was imagining things, nothing was wrong.

Finally, one day, we had an argument and after much much much poking and proding and cajoling (and being trapped in a car together), he admitted that he wasn’t sure he wanted to be with me, but didn’t know what to do about it. I think he thought he was somehow doing something “noble” by staying in a relationship with me even though he didn’t love me anymore in an attempt to “spare my feelings.”

This is a long way of saying, trust your gut. You feel like something is off, something is changed? It probably is. He just isn’t telling you because he’s scared or ashamed. If he refuses to communicate with you in a meaningful way about what is going on with him and what he wants out of the relationship, I’d say DTMFA. But if you can get him to use his words, there is a path to salvaging the relationship. (And yes, this will likely require therapy.)

Thanks for the support and validation, all. I felt like such a loser typing my post. I am going to talk to him again (probably tomorrow as I don’t want to have a Conversation during the work week). I plan to propose that we work on things ourselves for two months and go to counseling after that if we aren’t moving in the right direction. I will also reassess whether I should go to individual therapy based on how our discussion goes (including if I feel like I’ve said what I needed to say, if I was able to handle his responses appropriately, etc.).

I’m so sorry. I’m glad you posted here and you got some good responses. Also, you are not a loser! Stop that talk right now…I’m impressed you have a plan. You do deserve to be in an affectionate and loving relationship. I feel like there is something he isn’t telling you and that is because he doesn’t want to hurt you (doesn’t make his distance ok, however). Please come back and let us know how you are doing, even anonymously, because we will all be thinking of you.

I have a long resume of professional achievements, I am the responsible mature one of my friends (according to them), and I still sleep with the same stuffed animal I did when I was a pre-potty trained kid.

I buy the stuffed animals they sell at check out at Kohls whenever we go in there. Ostensibly for my niece or nephews….but I almost never given away. Instead they’re scattered around the house for when I want to cuddle something.

I hope that the hive may have some thoughts on a situation that pops up from time to time. From some recent discussions, it’s clear that I’m not the only one who had achieved a different standard of living than I had growing up, so perhaps some of you have faced this as well. The issue – family asking for money. I’m curious how others handle such requests – do you have a “policy” you adhere to or do you handle requests one by one? Does it matter who’s asking, i.e., parent or sibling versus cousin or other relative outside immediate family? How often do you face these requests? For context, DH and I do well, are financially conservative, make quite a bit more than most of our family members, but do not have loads of extra cash sitting around. We have helped out a couple of immediate family members at this point and do not regret doing so. However, repeated requests from a slightly more distant relative are becoming problematic. We believe in helping out family, but do not wish to become the family bank, so to speak. I guess I’m just looking for commiseration, ideas and a sense of how our approach compares to that of others. Thanks!

1. Will helping break our budget? If yes, then, sorry. Can’t wreck our own budget. If it’s within our budget (as in, we’ve met our savings targets, and have all our expenses covered for the [period], then yes, proceed to next layer of the flow chart.

2. Is this money going towards fueling a (known or very likely) addiction or self-destructive behavior? If yes, then, no money for the asker. But we would be open to paying for rehab/therapy (again, within the confines of the budget.)

3. If it’s within our budget, not going to be used to fuel an addiction, then what is it for? Medical emergencies, sure. Textbooks and sports equipment for a niece/nephew, sure. $$ for a cleaning lady b.c. Aunt X broke her hip and is recuperating, sure. $$ because you want to buy a boat, No F—ing Way. It has to be something that’s a need, not a want.

Exception to this rule is: Cousin Y is too poor to buy Xmas presents for his kids. I don’t see why his kids have to suffer just because Cousin Y can’t buy presents, so I’m totally fine with paying for the presents.

4. Finally, repeated requests for money suggest that someone is not getting his/her sh!t together for whatever reasons, and calls for conversation. Maybe the person has a totally legitimate need, but giving them money periodically without directing them to, say, a training program, is the wrong answer. So, I’d want to know more– and would be willing to be the shoulder this relative cries on, rather than the ATM.

Not sure I can add to it much, but “I’m sorry, but we just can’t help you right now” is a handy phrase for repeated requests or for people who say they want money to pay their utilities when you know they already spent their money on frivolous things. There’s also “We’re going to send you a gift certificate to the local grocery chain” when they ask for money for groceries and you know they will spend it on cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol. And there’s “no, we can’t even do that for ourselves” when they ask you to buy a house and promise to pay rent while they let their nasty little dogs poop all over their current apartment and you know they’d never, ever pay you a dime. Yes, that just about covers where we stand with my MIL, SIL, multiple BILs, a BIL’s wife, and a BIL’s grown kids.

I also want to spin your question a bit and see if anyone has ideas on how to tastefully initiate financial help to family. I’m specifically thinking of wanting to help make at least technical school or community college a choice for the pre-teen and teen children of my cousins. Their parents (my generation) by and large didn’t finish high school, and had their children as teenagers, and aren’t really well equipped to guide their college-interested children through the process of preparing and applying, let alone funding it. Or maybe that’s a bit too high of a bar for a 26 year old like me?

As for the original poster’s questions, I haven’t gotten many requests. The family members I want to have my money almost never ask, and vice versa. I struggled a lot with my now-estranged father, he always wanted hard cash from me, but since he was in his 70s with no job or retirement account, I was really only willing to put something in a trust for him or something. I guess what matters to me is what they need the money for and how often. I think I’m more open to requests if it’s for something that fits in to some larger plan they have for their life (high school band camp, for example). If it’s to cover a mistake they made, that can really only happen once. I feel like I’m being a bit paternalistic, but… if you’re coming to someone 40 years your junior for part of her salary, maybe that’s part of the package.

Do you spend time with your cousins’ children? Maybe being a mentor to them would help even more/in addition to your potential financial contributions to their education. Get them to start thinking about grades and potential career paths now. And spend time with your cousins, too. So if one day one them says, “My kid is so smart but I can’t afford college,” maybe you can point out that you can help.

I do. I’m thinking of taking a Friday or Monday off and inviting two of the older ones (13 and 15) to visit me for a weekend. They really are both good kids, but they live in a rural place with all of their siblings and their little all-white public school, and I think it would be neat for them to come check out museums, restaurants, shows, whatever.

I have way too many cousins to put through college, but even if I can contribute 1K a semester or something, I think it’s important to feel like your family is behind you. I remember really lacking that feeling as a student.

Do you have a relationship with the cousins already? Start with offering to mentor them on picking high school classes so they can go to college, offering to take them on college visits, etc. You are young enough to play it as “cool aunt”-ish mentoring. First worry about helping them get in, and if they confess they are worried about costs tell them you’ll help apply for scholarships, etc. Once they get closer to college you can offer to pay/give a private loan, but first just set it up as “if you want to go to college, I can help you navigate that path”.

First comment – assume all loans are really gifts, and think through the impact of that on your relationship.

Second comment – that said, treat it like a loan. I document the loan, I’d take collateral if it made sense, I charge interest, I receive a budget showing how they’d repay me and showing their living expenses, I include the interest in my taxes as interest income. If they are afraid of this process or can’t answer satisfactorily, I don’t lend.

Also, if possible – pay the money to a service provider instead of the person. For instance if someone’s asked for a $5000 loan and during my 6 month loan term that equates to 2 months of mortgage payments, I’d pay the mortgage lender directly for the loan. Cash tends to get frittered away.

We’ve had this issue – learn to say no without explanation. There are things we will contribute to – nephew started college – gift card to book store for books etc…. but we are paying for irresponsibility, ie… blew money and now can’t pay bills. We don’t give loans, they end up not being repaid, so we only give what we don’t expect to get back. But really, the learning to say no is the hardest part….

Thanks to all for your thoughts. I think the “saying no without explanation” is key. I hate to say no and tend to feel like I have to have a reason to back it up. I just need to work on that. It’s particularly hard when they’re crying that their gas/water/power is about to be shut off because X check is late. But it’s always that story, they never call unless they need help, and they call us in large part because they’ve already tapped out the few other options in the family with the financial resources to help. We gave one “loan” with the assumption that we’d never get it back … and we didn’t. I do think paying the service provider is key, and that’s what we did last time. Thanks much – you’ve confirmed that there is no magic answer (darn), we’re taking a reasonable approach, and I need to learn to say no and nothing else!

So – my ex broke up with me about a year and a half ago, and I’m still struggling with it a bit. It’s not a constant thing where I’m thinking about him all the time, but is usually tied to seeing him at some event (which happens every couple months or so). I know that the break up (which I did NOT initiate) was probably for the best, but I think I’m mostly mad that he acts like nothing happened, or that we’re just polite acquaintances/friends. I’ve made it my personal policy not to seek him out to talk, but he always manages to work his way over to me at some point to chit-chat.

Granted, it’s a public event where the conversation level is really only small talk, so it’s not like we’re going to have an deep in-depth discussion of what went wrong, but it just seems really discordant to be polite and introduce him to whomever I’m talking to (because I’m always talking to someone else when he comes over). And then I clam up or excuse myself because I really don’t want to talk to the ex, but then that feels too much like letting him chase me away from whatever I was doing before he showed up. It’s probably just a time heals thing, but ugh.

It is a time heals thing, but I think it’s okay to call him up/text him and go, “Hey, Ex. I feel like you are always approaching me at events we’re both at. I’d feel more comfortable if you just did your thing, and I did mine, during these times. Thanks and good luck to you.”

I have an ex that used to pull stuff like this (coming over and talking to me at events, putting his arm around me, flirting, sometimes trying to initiate casual hookups). I let it go on for so long I think honestly because I missed him and in some twisted deluded way, thought that he was treating me like that as some sort of compliment. In the end, I realized it was just a power play on his end – by doing that, he could always keep me “dangling on the line” so to speak, without ever having to commit.

It stopped when I decided to cut the line. I told him on no uncertain terms to cut it out, and if he wanted to be friends, we need to be friends and just that. No more trying to flirt/touching my arm, etc. He needed to act like just a casual guy friend buddy. And yeah, sometimes that led to my own hurt feelings (watching him hit on a mutual friend at an event we were both at, etc) but in the end, I was MUCH better off for it. A lot of the more egregious things were an even further power play, and I just started refusing to react to them and faking it til I made it re: being over him.

If I hadn’t felt up to being friends (this was about a year post breakup and ohmygod-in-retrospect-I-can’t-believe-I-let-it-go-on-so-long) I would have told him that. Not in an “I hate you” way but a “The way you are present in my life right now isn’t good for me. I need it to stop, and I need some space.” I think you should express to the ex that you’d rather just avoid each other at social events if possible, rather than seeking each other out.

I also get the sense it might be a bit of a power play, particularly if he’s seen the pattern a couple of times (he comes over,you introduce him, you leave) and especially if he’s abused it to get an introduction to someone he wants to talk to. If you get the sense it’s a power play, I agree with the others – you need to tell him firmly and politely that you don’t want to talk with him, and then you need to stand your ground and not be scared off if he comes over to you. Power plays only work if he can “make” you do something, so don’t give him the satisfaction.

Your ex is being polite and being socially engaged. So his behavior really isn’t an issue.

Talk to him about why you find seeing him so disconcerting. Just say, “Thank you for being so gracious to me at the events but I’m dealing with some stuff and I’d appreciate it if we institute zero-contact protocol.” An ex and I move in the same professional circles and we had a mutually-needed zero contact protocol in place for a few years. It was kind of funny because not many people knew we had dated and people would try to set me up with him at events. If we couldn’t politely avoid each other, we’d go through introductions and one or the other would move on (we were pretty fair in taking turns doing this).

If it’s been a year and a half, and you still have a hard time seeing him, please try to help yourself move on. You might consider therapy.

You can sit by me. I realized after leaving the house today that my 2-yrs old black tights are faded and only “off black” at best. We can sit against the wall….with our legs under the table where no one will see them! :-)

SF Barcelona Bar Review: This is actually quite good. There is a little bit of a fake taste to it, but I think that’s only because I know it’s fake sugar. If you were to try it unknowing, I am not sure you’d detect it. It’s also really rich, so I don’t want more than 2 squares (even though the serving size is 4). It’s not as perfectly delicious as the original (not as smoky/salty but not a bad chocolate taste), but it is really good and does the trick.

I’m in Boston for a quick business trip, and am trying to figure out what to do for dinner. Any recommendations? I’m staying near the Christopher Columbus Waterfront Park and Hanover Street, and will happily walk about a mile or so. Preferably a place where I won’t look out of place reading a book. Thanks!

Go out in the North End! Definitely the North End. My personal favorite is Bricco (and if you like meat, the wild boar tagliatelli is amazing), but a bunch of them are really, really good (if you look up reviews on Yelp you can get some idea of what everyone likes). Then after dinner, get a canolli at Mike’s Pastry. That’s key.

Second this! I would make a reservation for one just so you’re not stuck waiting awkwardly outside for a table, since it’s Thursday. But you are right next to the North End so definitely check out some Italian food and then Mike’s or Modern for cannoli.

I was looking through the earlier thread about being productive at home, and saw a couple of people (some in law, I’m assuming with billable hour requirements) say that they work about 9-10 hours a day. Are you just super efficient at work and can bill 8+ hours in a 9-10 hour day? Is that normal? I just started at a firm and am having trouble billing 8+ hour days when I’m here for much longer… I’m also amazed if these people are able to have enough but not too many hours of billable work in a day…

Give yourself some time to settle in. If you’re a new lawyer, then you’re still learning a lot about how to do everything.

When I was in private practice, I found that I’d bill about 8 hours if I was in the office 10 (that was during the week). If I was working nights or weekends, my realization rate went way up. But I wasn’t this good in the beginning when I was still learning the ropes, making sure I had enough billable work, meeting all the new people in the office, figuring out what my secretary did, etc.

And generally you’re not lucky enough to have “enough but not too many hours of billable work in a day.” You learn to plow through the 12+ hour billable days and leave early on the 4 hour days. It takes time to figure it all out.

Unless I’m doing something that requires big blocks of time, like writing a brief, it takes me a long day to bill 8 hours. Longer than 10 hours. I think I’m not very efficient with my time. I tend to lose focus a lot during the day. I’m only a little more than a year in, though, so I’m hoping to get better.

I was one of those attorneys who said they work 10 hours a ay. Full disclosure, though – I don’t have a billable hour requirement. Some of our work is done by billable hour, some is flat rate so our productive measurements are a bit different.

It doesn’t really affect my overall billing, but as a 7th-year I can do in 2 hours what used to take me all day. In fact, I’m often surprised to be given long timelines to complete projects that I can do much quicker. (Ergo time spent on this site.)

Not sure if anyone is coming back to see this, but just wanted to say thanks for all the feedback. I feel better knowing that a) other people also have this problem and b) it has potential to get better.

I’m headed out to Napa in early March with three family members, and we’re trying to figure out lodging. Right now, we’ve zoned in on wanting a place with 4 bedrooms in a town where we can walk to coffee shops, etc. Budget is probably $400-$600/night, though we’d go higher if needed. Does anybody have any suggestions? We found some in Sonoma, but my mom doesn’t think that’s as good…I’ve never been so don’t really have a clue.

And I’m feeling guilty, but also pleased with myself – everyone expected that since I’m the youngest traveling, I’d be fine sleeping on a couch or the floor (NO!!). I demanded that I get a bed instead, since this is likely the only vacation I’m going to get next year and I work 60+ hours a week, and because I’m, you know, older than 30 and don’t move so well the day after sleeping on the floor.

We stayed at a Best Western in Napa when we went, and it was an awesome location. I can’t remember the name for the life of me at the moment, but they had free breakfast which is always nice. There are some cool places in Napa to hang out, but we rented a car and did our own wine tour during the day. Definitely check out Robert Mondavi first, that was our last tour, but I found them to be the most informative and wished we had started there.

If anyone scrolls down this far–just wanted to say that I couldn’t make it to the DC meetup because I had another happy hour to go to, but I overheard two women on the Green line talking about Ellen in St. Louis. If you were one of those women, and you saw someone in a blue coat trying really hard not to stare at you, that was me.

Thanks for some other informative web site. The place else could I get that type of info written in such a perfect approach? I’ve a mission that I’m just now operating on, and I’ve been on the glance out for such information.