Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

She says she does not like sex. But, on those very rare occasions when we do, she not only likes it, she is a completely different person for a few days after. Actually becomes affectionate. She sometimes can not achieve an orgasm making love. But, she ALWAYS has a strong orgasm when she allows me to perform oral sex on her. And I will GLADLY do so.
We have had many discussions on how important sex is to me. And it is not just the sex. I miss kissing, hugging holding hands,etc.. That said, sometimes I am so horny, I have dreams about making love to other women. Never anyone I know. ( Is this normal?)
I do not want to cheat on my wife. But I am to the point that I realize this could happen. And from many years of observation, this is usually a marriage killer.

Please, you are barking up the wrong tree. This has nothing to do with whether she likes sex, orgasms etc. You are making a big mistake by asking her if she likes sex, why she does not want to have sex etc.

A woman will not be sexual with a man unless she feels loved by the man. Does your wife FEEL loved by you?

A little background before I rant. Have been married over 30 years now. And we have never had a very good sex life. I do not want to cheat on my wife.( I admit to thinking about it a lot these days) I do not want a divorce.
I am in very good physical condition. Workout a lot and it shows.
I am willing to do or try anything that would stimulate my wife. And she knows this.
BUT............ wife refuses to have any physical relationship with me. I know she has a low sex drive. And I can understand her not WANTING to have sex. But, darnit, I don't like washing dishes. But they have to be washed. And I wash them and don't complain.
Thought I was going to "get lucky" tonight. Not.
It has been several months.
Feel like crying, kicking a wall down, hollering and pulling my hair out, all at the same time!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to the club. There isn't an easy solution to the problem which you're probably aware already. Was there ever a time when your sex life with her was regular/normal? Has she been checked by a MD for hormone issues? On any anti-depressants? Gone through menopause? Does she exercise regularly?

There are so many variables but I'm with you that sex *should* be no different than any other duty in a marriage. If there are dishes in the sink, do the dishes. It's getting that concept through to someone who has a mental/physical/hormonal, etc issue preventing them from being the partner that you need them to be. There is a saying that nothing breeds success like success. I think its the same thing with sex. The more you have, the more likely its going to be good and satisfying.

If you run one time a year and try to run a mile, you're not going to enjoy it. If you run regularly, you're going to enjoy it, be good at it, etc. The hormones you give your wife when you have sex through kissing/bodily fluids and hormones her body releases during orgasm probably explain the increase in affection. It's probably part of the puzzle. The other part is between the ears that has nothing to do with hormones. That's the tricky part. Definitely pick up MMSLP 2012 when it comes out.

I've had many conversations with my spouse about the issue. She doesn't get it and I'm the "maniac", she's normal. I'm still struggling how to bridge the understanding gap. Just when I think she gets it, I find out that she doesn't and things didn't change. When we have sex, its good and everything seems better both her mood and our relationship. Unfortunately what happens in mine is I get the pushback or she starts doing things that intentionally push me away. It's like she goes into sabotage mode so there will never be any momentum from a good day or two of sex between us. It may take talking about the "D" word to make red lights go on. I would definitely look into every other option first including MC. I've had regular dreams (both good and bad) of being with someone else too. It's not what I want. I just want the one I'm with.

Please, you are barking up the wrong tree. This has nothing to do with whether she likes sex, orgasms etc. You are making a big mistake by asking her if she likes sex, why she does not want to have sex etc.

A woman will not be sexual with a man unless she feels loved by the man. Does your wife FEEL loved by you?

Welcome to the club. There isn't an easy solution to the problem which you're probably aware already. Was there ever a time when your sex life with her was regular/normal? Has she been checked by a MD for hormone issues? On any anti-depressants? Gone through menopause? Does she exercise regularly?

There are so many variables but I'm with you that sex *should* be no different than any other duty in a marriage. If there are dishes in the sink, do the dishes. It's getting that concept through to someone who has a mental/physical/hormonal, etc issue preventing them from being the partner that you need them to be. There is a saying that nothing breeds success like success. I think its the same thing with sex. The more you have, the more likely its going to be good and satisfying.

If you run one time a year and try to run a mile, you're not going to enjoy it. If you run regularly, you're going to enjoy it, be good at it, etc. The hormones you give your wife when you have sex through kissing/bodily fluids and hormones her body releases during orgasm probably explain the increase in affection. It's probably part of the puzzle. The other part is between the ears that has nothing to do with hormones. That's the tricky part. Definitely pick up MMSLP 2012 when it comes out.

I've had many conversations with my spouse about the issue. She doesn't get it and I'm the "maniac", she's normal. I'm still struggling how to bridge the understanding gap. Just when I think she gets it, I find out that she doesn't and things didn't change. When we have sex, its good and everything seems better both her mood and our relationship. Unfortunately what happens in mine is I get the pushback or she starts doing things that intentionally push me away. It's like she goes into sabotage mode so there will never be any momentum from a good day or two of sex between us. It may take talking about the "D" word to make red lights go on. I would definitely look into every other option first including MC. I've had regular dreams (both good and bad) of being with someone else too. It's not what I want. I just want the one I'm with.

Well, sounds as if you are in the same kind of relationship as I. Yes, she did go thru a bout of depression a year ago. And I did not bother her one bit about sex until she was better. But, it was not like we had a normal sex life before the depression.
When you get down to the brass tacks, all it takes on her part is a little bit of time with me a couple of times a week and she would have me eating out of the palm of her hand. And she knows that. And as I stated earlier, on those rare occasions when we have sex, she actually does enjoy it.
It seems to me that she feels compelled to punish me. I could understand this if I was a poor husband and father, but I am not. I could understand this if I let myself go physically. I do not. When I get compliments from other women on my physical shape and none from my wife, something is wrong. And I do not think it is me.
Yes, I am frustrated!

Good point. I do not have a answer.
Maybe because I am her husband?????????

She knows you're her husband and that isn't good enough. I'd demand that she go to marriage and or sex counseling. If she says no, tell her you are considering divorce. It seems mean but it may be the only thing that she'll respond to.

She knows you're her husband and that isn't good enough. I'd demand that she go to marriage and or sex counseling. If she says no, tell her you are considering divorce. It seems mean but it may be the only thing that she'll respond to.

Thanks. I know this is what I need to do. Just can't seem to bring myself to do it. I think I know what the answer will be. And as frustrated as I am, I still don't want a divorce.
Screwed up, ain't I?

There are a host of reasons she may not be interested in sex and almost all of them can be classified as medical or psychiactric. Either way, most of these reasons would be beyond her control and she wouldn't be able to even explain why she feels the way she does. Having sex with you because you are her husband might get you begrudging duty or pity sex, likely to leave you even emptier and more frustrated than no sex. Increase intimacy in other ways, taking walks, long talks, holding hands, brushing her hair, etc might be helpful. If she feels she can cuddle or touch you without you having an expectation of sex, she might be more willing to engage in these activities. Doing so, often naturally ends up with sex. Even when it doesn't, it's still nicer than arguing. Whether in marriage or in business, the best way to get what you want is to make sure others involved get what they want.

There are a host of reasons she may not be interested in sex and almost all of them can be classified as medical or psychiactric. Either way, most of these reasons would be beyond her control and she wouldn't be able to even explain why she feels the way she does. Having sex with you because you are her husband might get you begrudging duty or pity sex, likely to leave you even emptier and more frustrated than no sex. Increase intimacy in other ways, taking walks, long talks, holding hands, brushing her hair, etc might be helpful. If she feels she can cuddle or touch you without you having an expectation of sex, she might be more willing to engage in these activities. Doing so, often naturally ends up with sex. Even when it doesn't, it's still nicer than arguing. Whether in marriage or in business, the best way to get what you want is to make sure others involved get what they want.

She knows you're her husband and that isn't good enough. I'd demand that she go to marriage and or sex counseling. If she says no, tell her you are considering divorce. It seems mean but it may be the only thing that she'll respond to.

I would resist this piece of advise. Chances are, she has been justifying her withholding to herself by saying that's all you care about. I bet you've even heard her say that to you. Threaten divorce for sex and you'll validate the lie she's been telling herself. Obviously, you do care an awful lot about whatever else she's bringing to the marriage. I told mine that with or without sex, I wasn't going anywhere but It would be a terrible loss to us both and neither would be as happy without a sexual relationship as with one.

A little background before I rant. Have been married over 30 years now. And we have never had a very good sex life. I do not want to cheat on my wife.( I admit to thinking about it a lot these days) I do not want a divorce.
I am in very good physical condition. Workout a lot and it shows.
I am willing to do or try anything that would stimulate my wife. And she knows this.
BUT............ wife refuses to have any physical relationship with me. I know she has a low sex drive. And I can understand her not WANTING to have sex. But, darnit, I don't like washing dishes. But they have to be washed. And I wash them and don't complain.
Thought I was going to "get lucky" tonight. Not.
It has been several months.
Feel like crying, kicking a wall down, hollering and pulling my hair out, all at the same time!!!!!!!!!

First, may I just applaud you for not taking any action yet, and really truly laying your feelings out on the table.
I was in a sexless relatonship for a year or so, so I cant even imagine 30 years of sporadic (and at times dissatisfying) sexual contact.
Im not a professional (just yet) but what I will say is that typically there are some underlying reasons that may be the cause of her disinterest in sex. My husband and I are reading the newest book by Harriet Lerner, and in it she speaks about "foreplay" being different for a woman, than it is a man, helping around the house, and with the children and every day duties can lighten the load on your spouse and give her more time to be sexy, and intimacy focused.
Before you race to the finish line, try just holding her if she will allow that, and then maybe a week later a backrub, and the week after that maybe a ful body massage. Yes I know that it will be torture for you, but it will certainly make her take notice, and see that something in you has changed.
Often times it takes both partners making improvements within themselves to create what it is that they are seeking.

30 years means children, and a home and careers, and plenty of responsibilities and stressors of life.
Just ask yourself if it's worth the work.

The first thing you have to do is realize that sexual fulfillment is not important to her, so she truly does not feel the pain she is causing you.

The second thing you have to do is realize that there are a set of emotional needs that she has, that are not important to you, so you do not see the pain you are causing her by denying her needs.

The third thing you have to do is figure out what her emotional needs are, meaning what makes her feel loved the way sex makes you feel loved?

The fourth thing you have to do is start meeting these emotional needs as much as possible.

Hicks is giving you some good advice.

I'm in a 37 year marriage and intimacy had been very lacking at times to none existent. We were roommates. I was as bad as you. I demanded it. I begged for it. And thank god I didn't go looking outside for it.

I couldn't change the way my wife felt but I could change the way I treated her. I followed the simple advice in a relationship book mentioned on this site. Our sex life is better now then it was in our twenties. And were closer now than we ever dreamed. What we were missing, wow. Can't keep our hands off each other. Give it a try..engage her. You don't get any now, so what do you have to lose?

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