Dating Maze #345: Off the Deep End

Whenever a disagreement crops up, we both go into fear mode.

I found the article Dating Advice #63 on fear of abandonment speaking straight to me. I met the woman of my dreams a year ago, and things clicked from day one. We became very close friends, enjoying both the fun and the deep times. Our relationship grew stronger and I decided to take it to next level and proposed to her.

I didn't get the answer I hoped for. She said “no” because “something is not right” about her. I know in my heart that she is right for me – kind, caring and beautiful. I was able to persuade her how much I care for her and we're still together, but we have a big problem.

I always sensed that something in her past is troubling her and makes her feel insecure. At some point, I figured out that she had experienced several instances of rejection and abandonment. We spoke about it together and she gave me some details.

Knowing what she overcame only strengthened my commitment toward her. But from the day of our discussion, she has become more insecure, developing a fear that I will leave her because of the “stigma” of her past.

She becomes very anxious: "Are you going to leave me?”

She seems to re-experience these issues every time we have a serious discussion or a disagreement. She becomes very anxious and asks, "Are you going to leave me? Will you really marry me?" I have to stop our discussion because of this fear and spend time reassuring her that I’m here to stay. Even though I may diffuse the immediate situation, her fears surface again the next time.

We’re not able to deepen the emotional connection between us because we can't have a lengthy, meaningful conversation. If we have a disagreement, we never get far enough along to hear each other's perspectives and actually resolve the disagreement. (Part of this may be due to the fact that she has much better communication skills than I do.)

I do have a nagging feeling that perhaps I’m not good enough for her. I've also started to become jealous when she mentions other men in her circle. I react by wanting to restrict her, and trying to intrude into every aspect of her personal life. Of course, this gets her upset, and I know that my acting controlling and jealous is not good for the relationship.

And so the cycle goes. The way I see it, we both want each other, but are afraid of losing each other. How do we deal with these issues in a healthy way?

Jay

Dear Jay,

You letter describes a pattern in your relationship that concerns us a great deal. If this dynamic continues, your relationship will not be able to grow, and within time there won't be a relationship. Then she'll be able to say, "See, I knew you'd leave me!"

This woman’s fear of abandonment isn't a product of your relationship – it’s a personal problem that she has to resolve for herself. That's why no amount of love, assurance and promises from you will help her feel secure, and that’s why this fear keeps resurfacing after you seem to have helped her calm down.

It's important to understand that every person enters a relationship carrying their personal baggage. Sometimes that doesn't affect the relationship at all, or only indirectly. For example, a woman who doesn't always get along well with her brother may argue with him from time to time, but that aspect of her life may not impact the dating relationship she's developing. If the couple decides to get married, this will probably be something they talk about, and may even need to deal with it as a couple.

Fear of abandonment has its roots in a childhood trauma.

However, other types of baggage have a very direct affect on how a man and woman relate to each other. Fear of abandonment is one of these. It has its roots in childhood when a person is separated from her primary caretaker for a certain amount of time – e.g. a parent abandons the family, a parent or other close relative dies, the family goes through a calamity that traumatically separates them from each other. Many children don't acquire the tools to process these experiences, and instead the imprint stays with them as they grow. When they become involved in a close relationship – be it a good friendship or a courtship that becomes serious – even something that seems innocuous may trigger a fear of reoccurrence.

Each time they re-experience this emotion, they may respond by protecting themselves from abandonment and the pain it will bring. They may question their partner's intentions about staying or leaving – and not trust the answer; avoid or deflect arguments because in their mind, conflict's don't get resolved and lead to break-ups; try to control their partner's freedom to prevent them from leaving; or make extreme efforts to placate or please their partner to keep them in the relationship.

You've seen for yourself that you cannot "fix" this woman’s problem, because even though it affects your relationship, the relationship is not its source. The best way for her to address her fear of abandonment is to work with a professional therapist, who can help her identify the deep-seated roots of her fear and learn how to overcome it. The two of you can continue to develop your relationship while she works with a therapist.

Working Together

At the same time, we recommend that you work together to develop better skills in two areas: communication and conflict resolution. Hopefully the progress you make on these two fronts will compliment the progress she accomplishes on her own.

Many times, two people who deeply care for each other and want the same things out of life struggle with the ways they communicate, disagree and solve problems. She may be able to convey her thoughts and feelings more easily than you can, but when it comes to a productive dialogue, you both have a problem because you can't seem to engage in a flowing conversation in which you really listen to each other. You both come away feeling like the other person doesn't understand or respect your feelings and ideas. You don’t get to the "meat" of an issue or problem because you may hold back from expressing your deeper thoughts and emotions, and because she makes extreme efforts to avoid deeper discussions and arguments. Your unproductive communication style can leave both of you feeling angry and frustrated.

The listener has to repeat back the other’s key points.

The way to stop this vicious cycle is for you to work as a couple to learn better communication skills. One very helpful skill is called "active listening." It gives each person an opportunity to express their thoughts, ideas and feelings about a topic, with their partner totally focused on listening and understanding what they have to say. The listener can ask questions for clarification, and then describes what they heard their partner say. Then, the listener and the speaker switch roles. But the key is that the listener – before expressing his/her own opinion – has to repeat back what they understand as the other’s key points. Couples who learn this method are able to feel they've been heard and understood, and stop talking over each other and competing to get their point across.

There are a number of resources, including self-help books and Internet articles, that describe active listening techniques and suggest exercises to help develop them. (The exercises are key). When you first try the exercises, you may feel awkward about exchanging information this way. However, in a short time most couples become more comfortable with the give-and-take style and it becomes almost second nature.

Healthy Disagreement

You both also need to learn healthy ways to address another area of challenge: problem-solving and resolving disagreements. Some people learn these skills while growing up, by watching their parents have productive discussions and effectively resolve arguments. It's possible that you saw your own parents talk about their problems calmly, or disagree and then reach a resolution in a healthy, respectful manner. However, it seems that this woman probably didn't have this advantage. She may not have seen that a couple can argue, then settle their disagreement, and then continue to have a healthy, loving relationship.

In fact, this could be one of the reasons she asks if you'll leave her each time you two disagree. To her, disagreements lead to break-ups or escalate into something very unpleasant. Hopefully, as she works with her therapist, she'll learn that disagreements are normal in healthy relationships.

We recommend the self-help approach here, too, because we've seen that many couples are able to learn problem-solving and conflict resolution skills on their own. Others are more comfortable having a third party, such as a certified life coach, trained marriage educator, or couple's therapist, guide them through the process. You can look into different options and decide which one is best suited to you both.

Self-esteem and Control

We'd like to address the final issue you raised – your own insecurity about your standing in this relationship. Many of us are a little unsure of ourselves from time to time. For example, we may be nervous about speaking in front of a large group of people, or find it hard to stand up against someone who is very assertive. Your insecurities are slightly more deep-seated, and they are having a negative effect on many aspects of your relationship.

You project your insecurity by assuming she feels superior to you.

You've told us that you worry you aren't “good enough” for her and are uncomfortable with her being more articulate than you. You get frustrated when you try to express yourself, and then project your insecurity onto her by assuming that she feels superior to you. This probably leads to your over-reacting to things she says by lashing out at her when you think she's insulting you. You start to imagine that she'll decide she wants someone "better," and you react by trying to restrict her and control her, because you're afraid you'll lose her if you don't.

Like her fear of abandonment, your lack of self-esteem is an individual problem, rather than a couple's issue. You have to improve your self-image and learn how to keep your insecurities from negatively affecting your relationship. A self-help book or Internet articles on building self esteem may be resources that can help you address this problem. One book that may be helpful to you is Ten Steps to Being Your Best by Abraham J. Twerski (ArtScroll Publishers). In addition, in many cities, there are a number of workshops and courses that help build self-esteem and improve interpersonal skills.

It's important for the future of your relationship, and for each of you individually, to deal with your personal issues now, rather than later. You can continue to see each other during this time, and together you can work on improving your communication and problem-solving skills. Over time, the dynamic in your relationship will change, as each of you becomes healthier and you learn new ways to relate to each other. We can't tell you how things will evolve, but if you do nothing, chances are great that you will both grow more frustrated and will break up.

Becoming proactive gives you a good chance to have the meaningful, emotionally satisfying future that you deserve.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 6

(6)
preet,
April 27, 2012 4:57 AM

I had so many bad relationships that by the time my husband came along, I at first tried to push him away because I figured he was going to leave me anyway just like everyone else did. I was trying to sabotage our relationship so that he would eventually leave me and then I could say "See I knew you would leave me". But he refused to leave and I was finally able to let go and trust him. I have found that sometimes G-d himself is the only one that can really heal the deep inner rifts within ourselves that have happened by choice or by chance. He does use people for this more often then not I think so we need to be on the lookout for this and open to it as well. Also this women should be over her fear of abandonment before she ever allows herself to get that close in a relationship. My husband had abandonment issues as well and it almost destroyed our marriage but we managed to work through it all and came out on the other side of things stronger then ever.

(5)
Anonymous,
December 1, 2011 3:06 AM

that was us! don't give up!

That could have been describing me and my husband! He is & was convinced that he is not good enough for me, and one day I will realize it. His insecurity drives him to act jealous and controlling.
I have a fear of abandonment, which made me scared to commit. We dated for a (relatively) long time, until I felt "safe" enough to let him propose.
Even with our deep fears, we have had a strong, loving marriage. Still, every time he was upset, or a little withdrawn (tired, etc.) I was convinced he would leave. He always reassured me, and I believed he meant it, but the fear was there.
I found ways to reassure myself of his commitment - if he put his arm around me when he was sleeping, that was "proof" that he really meant what he said. Even his little jealousies make me feel good - if HE is that worried I will leave, surely that means he WON'T. I respond by telling him he is still the perfect match for me.
Through therapy, I finally got past the fear of abandonment. When I truly realized he wasn't going to leave, my husband was beside himself with joy & said "That's what I've been trying to tell you for 6 years!" But now I really believe it.
I still hope that one day he will get past his own insecurities, and realize that I think he is a wonderful person & the life partner perfectly suited to me. Until then, I just keep reassuring him that I love him, I'm not interested in anyone else, I wouldn't be better off without him, and I wouldn't have been happier if I never met him.
Everyone has problems. If you can find a way to communicate disagreements so that you both feel heard, your relationship can survive both your fears... even if disagreements always end with tears and the need for reassurance.
Don't listen to just anybody. Listen to people who have been there. Give yourselves a chance! Also, don't drag out the engagement - if u are going to do it, get married all ready!

(4)
Anonymous,
November 10, 2011 2:51 PM

lets stop it at is source

I think this could have been prevented from the start. The shadchan should have accused the guy of being on drugs, and then told that to his Rav. The Rav could then make sure that he is humiliated by his past as he goes into shidduchim. Another good one, is the shadchan can accuse the guy of being manic depressive, or anything else. Because, hey, when it comes down to it there is no real tshuvah. No one is let out of there past right?! Then you make sure that he ends up with someone with difficulties in a marriage destined for failure....

(3)
Tammy,
November 1, 2011 7:03 PM

Fear of abandonment

I had so many bad relationships that by the time my husband came along, I at first tried to push him away because I figured he was going to leave me anyway just like everyone else did. I was trying to sabotage our relationship so that he would eventually leave me and then I could say "See I knew you would leave me". But he refused to leave and I was finally able to let go and trust him. I have found that sometimes G-d himself is the only one that can really heal the deep inner rifts within ourselves that have happened by choice or by chance. He does use people for this more often then not I think so we need to be on the lookout for this and open to it as well. Also this women should be over her fear of abandonment before she ever allows herself to get that close in a relationship. My husband had abandonment issues as well and it almost destroyed our marriage but we managed to work through it all and came out on the other side of things stronger then ever.

(2)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2011 4:23 PM

Who's sabotaging the relationship?

The relationship between Jay and this young lady suggests an ongoing stormy relationship unless she is willing to explore the root of her insecurities and wants to change. As I read Jay's letter, I see a woman who is using her past experience to become and remain a manipulative domineering person in this relationship rather than an equal partner. Her "communication skills" are creating Jay's sense of insecurity and loss of confidence, or at least fostering them. Unless she is led to recognize that this behavior is sabotaging her chance at a meaningful relationship, and she actively seeks to change it through therapy, I'm afraid this relationship, even if it leads to marriage, will never be the kind of satisfying and mutually respectful relationship Jay wants.
Jay should also examine his own "insecurity" to learn why he is willing to put up with this behavior. Then he will be ready to build a satisfying and productive relationship with her if she begins the process and continues until she is also ready for this kind of relationship, or he will be strong enough to walk away; after all, his mental health and survival is just as important as hers.

(1)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2011 3:49 PM

she needs to resolve things

I agree with an answer. This situation seems lethal for the relationship. I also got a sense that she maybe maipulating you (unconsciously, maybe), in order to get her way - because of her past trauma and how sensitive you need to be around her. she needs therapy and then you two need couple's counseling.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!