Tuesday, December 11, 2012

From the Liar: War On Drugs Succeeds

From the Annals of “The
National Liar”:

War On Drugs
Succeeds

Washington, D.C. -“We’ve won!” declared an exultant Drug Czar. “America
has given up all drugs forever!”

Shocking? Yes. Unexpected? Yes indeed;
but true. Secret government reports leaked today by the DEA reveal that no
Americans anywhere this year have purchased or consumed any mind-altering
substances, legal or otherwise; and that furthermore no Americans plan to
purchase any more drugs, now or in the foreseeable future.

Sunshine Headly, self-confessed ‘space
case’ from San Francisco’s Haight-Ashbury district, said, “They tell me not to
smoke any more weed ever again, and how could I possibly disobey?Never mind that it’s available on every
street-corner in the country; what the Man says goes. Now he tells me to give
up my paisley T-shirts and buy a business suit. I’m sure it’ll be fun.”

“Intimidation works,” confessed Leroy
Brown, an inner-city gang-banger. “I usta
deal, I was gonna deal, I made good money by dealin’, there was no other way for me to make money than by
dealin’, but now I’m too scared to do it anymore, on account of all the cops.
What if I get caught? I guess I’ll take that job at McDonald’s after all.”

Drugs have become a literal drug on the
market, as huge crates full of marijuana, mescaline, peyote, LSD, MDMA,
methamphetamine, cocaine, barbituates, sedatives, morphine, and heroin pile up
in warehouses nationwide, bereft of buyers.

Agent X, of the Central Intelligence
Agency, said, “No more smuggled contraband. No more shady deals with
narco-tyrants. No more secrecy, no more hypocrisy. This time we mean business,
I swear it. Trust me.”

The same total economic collapse has
overtaken the dealers of tobacco, alcohol, caffeine, Librium, and even
chocolate. Inexplicably, the seemingly insatiable American appetite for altered
states of consciousness has faded away, like the strange dreams those very
drugs used to induce.

The Rev. Dr. Fallout, of the Amoral
Minority, was alarmed by the news. “Uh-oh,” he said. “Now what are we going to
do? How are we going to get donations to combat a scourge that no longer
exists? I was sure this scam was
unbeatable; I thought we could ride this anti-drug gravy train for life! I’m
scared; what’ll people give up next? Illicit sex? I’ll be unemployed!”

Spokesmen for California’s Prison
Guards Union expressed similar concerns. “The jails will empty out. Courts will
become swift and efficient. Police will turn polite and honest, even to
minorities and the poor. It’ll be a disaster!”

In response to these and other official
complaints, the DEA has issued the following directive to the American people: