Monday, November 12, 2018

PITTSBURGH--"Comedy's really changed," said Collin Chamberlin during pregame warm-ups. "Brad Ryan used to bring bags of wine, now we've got coconut LaCroix." Water, gatorade, and coconut LaCroix were the healthy options, but Chamberlin was wrong. Some things never change: there turned out to be no shortage of alcohol on school property while kids practiced on the other half of the field. Someone brought beer, someone brought a 40. "Mine's a sparkletini," said Paige Polesnak.

With two-time MVP Ed Bailey inactive, Light's heavily-favored Girthquakes looked vulnerable and Dustin Dowling's underdog Rockettes were ready to strike. Chamberlin said the Girthquakes were "strained up" and put a bounty on Will Ness: "Five extra minutes at Beerhive to whoever takes Will out." Brandon Schell told Light: "I hope you tear your achilles." The players' intensity would make this Super Fool one for the ages.

THE TEAMS

Girthquakes

Matt Light (captain)

Will Ness

Marcus Cox

Andreas O'Rourke

Ian McIntosh

Joey Purse

Valerie Guavain

Amanda Averell

Rockettes

Dustin Dowling (captain)

Ray Zawodni

Daniel Ferrere

Matt Parsons

Collin Chamberlin

Brandon Schell

Kayleigh Dumas

Paige Polesnak

FIRST HALF

The Rockettes won the toss and took the ball first. On the second play, Andreas O'Rourke ripped the crotch of his American flag pants trying to cover Daniel Ferrere. "At least you can go to the party store and replace them for three bucks," said Chamberlin. Matt Parsons found O'Rourke's ripped, mud-stained American flag pants disrespectful: "It's Veteran's Day," reminded combat veteran Parsons, who responded by catching a pass from Zawodni for the first score of the game.

One of only two photos taken of actual gameplay

The Girthquakes struck back quickly when Ian McIntosh hauled in long bomb from Light to even the score. "I'm the baddest motherfucker in the league," said Light. Dowling found the end zone on the Rockettes' next drive, and the Girthquakes kept pace when Light connected with Will Ness to make it 2-2.

At that point, a dad with the high school girls' soccer practice on the other side of the field took issue with the frequent F-bombs punctuating the comedians' gridiron exertions (we can't be expected to work clean). In an unprecedented move, Super Fool VIII's participants picked up and drove to a new field a mile down the road, reconvening at Forest Hills Rec Center, right behind a police station, where they could shout obscenities to their hearts' content.

New field, new rules (nothing about drugs or alcohol)

The move also meant turf was exchanged for muddy grass, a change that had big implications on the game, with many players struggling to gain a foothold on the wet field.

When the game restarted, the Girthquakes came out swinging. Zawodni's pass to Daniel Ferrere was tipped up into the air and intercepted by Will Ness, and Light capitalized on the turnover by hitting Joey Purse for the go-ahead touchdown. On the ensuing drive, Brandon Schell made a first down catch and revealed some serious plumber's crack as he was brought down by defenders. Ferrere scored on the next play to even the score 3-3.

The Girthquakes kept on rolling with another Light touchdown pass to Ness. "This shit's easy," said Light. The Rockettes' offense failed to get a first down and gave the ball away, but their defense made up for it when Zawodni intercepted Light to retake possession and followed through with a scoring strike to Dowling.

With the first half clock winding down, Light went into his two-minute drill, scrambling for a long gain and hitting O'Rourke to take the ball to the goal line. But the Rockettes' defense held firm and forced three straight incompletions to close out the half in a 4-4 tie.

As time ran out, Dowling's shoulder popped out of its socket for the second time. Happening multiple times every year, it is one of the most persistent Super Fool traditions and has become more annoying than concerning: "Dustin's shoulder is my least favorite thing about this game," said Zawodni. Dowling soldiered on.

Refueling station

SECOND HALF

The Girthquakes opened the second half with O'Rourke subbing in at quarterback and throwing a hail mary that just missed a streaking Light. "Send it you pussy," Light called for the ball. The Rockettes forced a turnover on downs and scored on a quick drive consisting of two Zawodni passes to Ferrere, who juked McIntosh for a long gain then followed up with a touchdown on the next play.

Light was back at quarterback on the Girthquakes' next possession, throwing a highlight-reel bomb that was bobbled by Ness, tipped by Ferrere, then finally hauled in by Ness. Marcus Cox added a touchdown on the next play. The Rockettes struck back with a Chamberlin touchdown, then McIntosh caught his second score from Light and made it 6-6.

On the next drive, a deep Zawodni pass went through Ferrere's hands, the rookie's third big drop of the afternoon. That drop would be his last, however, as Ferrere responded by hauling in two catches and taking the ball down to the goal line, where Dowling added a touchdown grab. The Girthquakes battled back and scored when Purse came down with a tipped ball.

The Rockettes took a 8-7 lead with another Ferrere touchdown catch-and-run. "Of course he's fast" Schell said of Ferrere. "He doesn't smoke. He's skinny with healthy lungs."

With the offenses trading scores back and forth, it was time for a big defensive play to shift the game's momentum: Kayleigh Dumas stepped up to intercept Light's pass and ran a long return into the red zone. The Rockettes scored on the next play when Zawodni found Chamberlin in the end zone, making it 9-7 and giving their team the first two score lead of the day.

Light bounced back from his interception and refused to give up, rallying his team with a long touchdown strike to Purse, who finished second in Rookie of the Year voting despite reportedly almost tearing his ACL twice (worth it).

"Let's fucking go!" Light said, carrying his intensity to the defensive side of the ball and forcing a turnover on downs by breaking up Zawodni's would-be first down pass.

With time running out, Light took the ball back determined to score. Schell noted that Light had a "furrowed brow" and was making "the face he makes right before he fucks." Light proceeded to fuck the Rockettes' defense, connecting with O'Rourke to get the ball to the goal line, then throwing the game-tying touchdown to Will Ness.

The Rockettes didn't have time to get a drive going and the regulation clock expired with the score tied 9-9, resulting in the first sudden death overtime in Super Fool history.

OVERTIME

The Rockettes won the toss and got the ball first, but the Girthquakes' defense made a big time stop and forced a turnover on downs. Zawodni castigated himself: "Stupid play, Raymond."

Taking the ball back with a chance to end the game, Light had his fourth MVP award in his sights. But his rival captain Dowling, who was sharply criticized for his draft strategy, stepped up in the game's biggest moment and picked off Light. "Let's go, wooooooo!" he exclaimed, continuing the momentum to the ensuing drive, where he caught Zawodni's pass for the game-clinching touchdown.

In perhaps the closest, hardest fought, and muddiest game in Super Fool history, the underdog Rockettes pulled off a stunning upset. They mobbed each other and danced while the Girthquakes filed off the field in shame. "We couldn't get it done," said standout rookie O'Rourke, his tattered flag pants covered in mud. "We just didn't execute." Losing captain Matt Light was devastated: "I'm gonna go home and jerk off."

After many years of strong Super Fool play, winning captain Dustin Dowling stepped up into the MVP ranks with a great all-around performance and last minute heroics. Battling through two shoulder separations, he led his team in receptions and touchdown catches, made crucial defensive plays, and came up big at the game's most critical moments. His interception and overtime touchdown capped off a triumphant afternoon and secured Dowling's place as a Super Fool legend.

Ray Zawodni finished a close second in MVP voting and continued his reign as the greatest quarterback in Super Fool history, posting a 70% completion percentage, 10 touchdowns, and only 1 interception which, as he pointed out, wasn't his fault because it was bobbled by the receiver. Zawodni is the Super Fool's greatest winner, with victories in 5 of the last 6 years, including a threepeat as captain of Zawodni & Sons. He also thought Will Ness looked good in his new athletic gear: "I want to fuck you right now."

Rookie of the Year & Defensive Player of the Year - Daniel Ferrere

Daniel Ferrere earned Rookie of the Year and Defensive Player of the Year honors with strong two-way play, posting a game-high 9 tackles and adding 12 receptions and 3 touchdowns. He was all over the field, contributing in all phases of the game and making clutch plays to help put his team over the top. Ferrere's breakout success may be partially attributed to the 40 he drank during pregame warm-ups. As Billy Dee Williams says: "Colt 45 works every time."

Brad Ryan Spirit Award - Kayleigh Dumas

The Brad Ryan Spirit Award is given to a player who left it all on the field. This year's BRSA goes to Kayleigh Dumas, who began the afternoon inauspiciously by tripping herself and slipping in mud. "I just wish I could do one good thing without falling on my ass," she said. Her wish came true when she made a huge fourth quarter interception that shifted the game and brought her team within the reach of victory. She tried to downplay the pick, saying Light "literally threw it directly to me," but her teammates recognized it as "an epic play" and "a game changer." "Is it obvious I don't exercise much?" she asked, laying on the ground to catch her breath after the big play. "There's a leaf in my hair."

The Brad Ryan Spirit Award is brought to you in part by Brad Ryan, Super Fool legend:

Though Super Fool fever is strong and there's no known cure, nine out of ten doctors agree Brad should not come out of retirement.

Thursday, November 8, 2018

Captains Matt Light and Dustin Dowling announce their draft picks at the Beerhive

PITTSBURGH—This Sunday, an assortment of hungover comedians will gather at the soccer field behind Woodland Hills High School to participate in the latest iteration of a time-honored ritual: illegally bringing alcohol onto school property. The occasion is Super Fool VIII, the eighth annual Pittsburgh comedians' flag football game.

Super Fool VIII

Sunday, November 11, 2018

12:00 p.m.

Woodland Hills High School

2550 Greensburg Pike, Pittsburgh, PA 15221

Captains Matt Light and Dustin Dowling got together at the Beerhive open mic on Wednesday night to draft their teams. Here is a preview of the matchup:

"I look forward to this game every year and you ruined it," said Collin Chamberlin to his team's captain Dustin Dowling. "Though it's my fault because I'm the one who suggested that Dustin be a captain," he lamented, watching in horror as Dowling drafted a team oddsmakers are already calling one of the biggest underdogs in Super Fool history. "I can't believe you took Ray Zawodni before Ed Bailey or Will Ness," Chamberlin said. "We need speed!" he added in response to Dowling's fifth round pick of Brandon Schell. Dowling replied: "I'm the speed!"

The Rockettes are going to need more speed than Dowling alone can provide, however, given that Matt Light's Girthquakes are headlined by three players who have earned MVP honors in the last six Super Fools. A three-time MVP himself, Light quickly added Bailey and Ness to his roster and declared that he was already a three-score favorite before Dowling had made his second pick. Light has his eye on a fourth MVP award, saying he plans to play quarterback and lead his team to victory with 12 touchdowns and a perfect passer rating.

Dowling's teammates were dismayed to find that their team is uniformly white, while the Girthquakes landed all three and a half black guys. Light said he hates the New England Patriots (the NFL's whitest team) so much that he drafted all the non-white players to be their opposite. Light noted, however, the Super Fool's historic trend of black players who get drafted but don't show up for the game. Ian McIntosh was a no-show last year and two-time MVP Ed Bailey is already questionable for Sunday. The Girthquakes' status as heavy favorites will be in doubt if the stacked roster Light drafted is not on the field at gametime.

The Rookie of the Year award was created last year and Super Fool VIII features a crowded field of first-timers vying for the honor. Many observers have high expectations for former high school football player Matt Parsons, who said he's the only athlete on the Rockettes. Though he denied that his experience as a combat veteran would help him on the gridiron, he said "I'll do my best for America." Light said "My team can't be stopped by John Cena."

The Girthquakes' rookie Joey Purse lettered in high school football, but a skeptical Light speculated that you can letter by playing one or two plays a game on special teams. We'll find out on Sunday whether Purse's white or black half predominates.

Though the Girthquakes have the only two ladies with Super Fool experience in Valerie Gauvain and Amanda Averell, the Rockettes' rookies Kayleigh Dumas and Paige Polesnak are pumped to take the field and discussed plans to team up and "clothesline motherfuckers." A veteran of soccer and basketball, Dumas said she is "very good at catching" and "gets very angry." Polesnak said her collegiate rugby experience will translate to flag football, and she may have a secret play in the works, though she denied the existence of any secret play after realizing a reporter was listening.

THE ANNALS (ANALS?) OF SUPER FOOL HISTORY

With this year's participants gearing up for their chance at achieving football immortality, now is a perfect time to reflect on the Super Fool’s storied history, a history that has been preserved for posterity by the tireless efforts of the founder and sole member of the Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sportswriters Association (“PCISA”). Collected in one place for the first time, here is the record of Super Fools past:

Super Fool I (2011)
Not much is known about Super Fool I, as it is the only “prehistoric” Super Fool, occurring undocumented because it predated the founding of the PCISA. Legends say that the inaugural game was not flag football but tackle, a rule that was changed for future Super Fools because Brad Ryan broke his arm in a collision with Terry Jones.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

PITTSBURGH—Local mom Ashley Sanders posted a video of her five year old son Aiden to her Facebook page yesterday, unaware that it will resurface in 2065 and sink his nomination to serve on our nation’s highest court.

“Aiden is soooooooo cute lol,” wrote Ashley when she posted the video, which depicts her son, his face red with tears, frantically begging his mother to put a booger back into his nose, then shrieking with furious indignation when she patiently informs him that she cannot.

Ashley’s patience will not be shared by the Senate Judiciary Committee, which in forty seven years will consider the video to be a troubling indication that Aiden lacks the proper temperament to be a Supreme Court Justice.

The video, dubbed “Boogergate” by the press, will mar the otherwise spotless record of would-be Justice Aiden, which will include decades of dedicated public service and lead to a nearly unanimous appointment to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit.

Widely viewed as a shoo-in candidate for the Supreme Court, Aiden will receive the highest possible rating from the American Bar Association, only to have that rating reevaluated and rescinded in the wake of Boogergate. “This problematic outburst of rage does not comport with the dispassionate impartiality expected of a Supreme Court Justice,” the ABA will say.

After the embattled president withdraws the nomination under pressure from both parties, Aiden will retreat in disgrace, knowing that his once-sterling reputation, like that booger, can never be put back again.

It will be no consolation to him that the candidate nominated in his stead will also be withdrawn, this time following the revelation of a forty year old comment on a friend’s Instagram selfie which used language that, according to the third most upvoted definition on Urban Dictionary, has racial undertones.

Monday, January 22, 2018

Just finished reading Charles Dickens’s classic Six Cities trilogy. Before I came across these three books at a thrift store, I didn't even know there was a trilogy. My take: The first one was great, the second was a tad predictable, and the third was very repetitive. I’m no literary expert but I think he should’ve stopped at one. That first book said it all, there was no need for a sequel. It’s like Hollywood churning out remakes on top of reboots: Rocky 6, Fast & Furious 8. That’s Dickens, cashing in on the success of the first Two Cities and doing basically the same thing over again for a big payday. Shameful.

Monday, January 8, 2018

NEW YORK—In a joint press conference today, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman and MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred announced that their leagues had reached an agreement to eliminate fighting from hockey and move it to baseball. Bettman said outlawing fighting would make hockey safer and more exciting, while Manfred said legalizing fighting in baseball would liven up the leisurely-paced sport with some much-needed violence. Baseball purists and soon-to-be-out-of-work hockey goons denounced the move, saying they would beat the crap out of Bettman and Manfred if only the government hadn't outlawed fighting in real life.

Monday, November 27, 2017

When the city council voted to cut funding for their beloved community rec center and tear it down, the gang wasn't about to just stand by and watch it happen. They grew up at that rec center, so they resolved to do something: they got together and submitted a bid on the demolition work.

"When I was a kid, the rec center was like a second home to me," said Doug Tolbert, one of the gang's mainstays. "It's where we went for birthday parties, basketball games, heck—I even had my first kiss there. I'll be damned if someone is going to come in and tear it down without me getting a piece of that sweet action."

Tolbert called a gang meeting at the rec center so they could take some measurements and put together an estimate. Longtime gang favorite Nick Stetson cashed in on his prior construction experience to get a good deal on a wrecking ball rental. With the gang's intimate knowledge of all the rec center's nooks and crannies, no one was better placed to smash it to rubble. Before long, the city council voted to accept their bid.

"We worked like a well-oiled machine," said Jill Easton, the gang's irascible sergeant-at-arms. "Nick unleashed the wrecking ball on the gym. Doug brought down the game room with a controlled burn. I took a sledgehammer to the wall where we carved our names in sixth grade. It couldn't have gone more smoothly."

The gang said they're using the profits from the job to fund a weekend trip to Vegas, where they'll undoubtedly get up to some of their classic shenanigans. The whole thing was such a huge success that the gang resolved to do something else: bid on the electrical installation work for the new Wal-Mart being built on the rec center's lot.