Saturday, December 13, 2003

Things I Learnt TodayOliver Heaviside (British Physicist 1850-1925), discoverer of the Heaviside layer, had a sofa permanently on the stairs. In attempting to move it from downstairs to upstairs, the sofa got stuck. Refusing to ask for help, the sofa remained in situ. This was relayed to me by his great great great niece of Oliver himself.

Friday, December 12, 2003

Thing Learnt TodayThe origin of the saying "Fred Karno's Army". A quaint expression I never heard before. Not to be confused with Karnaugh Maps, which having spent 3 years of college life manually drawing out the damned things and then 2 months of my college life (all those years ago) writing a rather excellent program in Pascal to generate said maps, I was then relieved to discover there is now a freeware software option available.

Life in the Slow Lane: "....back and to the left" A record 3 accidents passed on the journey in today. Most spectacular was the small non-de script hatchback that was shunted off the motorway, across the hard shoulder, through a dividing picket fence and then sitting proud on a small grassy knoll (no assassin was spotted). Two large continental juggernauts seem to be involved. The "Lone Juggernaut" theory doesn't hold water, when inspecting the damage to the vehicle. It was clear that the majority of damage came from IN FRONT of the driver and a second vehicle must have been involved to create the damage to the side and rear. This is, of course, you support the "Magic Juggernaut" theory, which would involve one impact to the rear at 68mph, a 67 degree swerve forwards to the right and the a 14 degree glancing impact travelling left and finally a 180 degree turn at 127mph to hit the hatchback head on.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

'tis the season to be grimefulThe good thing about winter is that car/van/truck graffiti grime is very high. Damp conditions, invariably throw dirty, muck laden spray onto the vehicle and the air of joviality apparent during the festive season, often results in some transit monkey scribing a 'witty' message on the side of their (or usually someone else's) mode of transport. If one were to equate this to a mathematic equation:-

f(x) = p * (whn/20160)

Where
x = The probability of Grime graffiti on the back of a van/truck
w = Number of wet hours in the preceding 5 days
h = Number of hours vehicle is left standing stationary amongst ones work colleagues in the last 24 hours
p = Popularity Factor of driver amongst colleagues (Bemuddlement has noticed that most grime graffiti is clearly not authored by the driver as most is self derogatory). On a scale of 0..1 [based on the Watkins Scale of Popularity]
n = Copies of Tabloid newspapers read in the last 7 days by scribe

Hence the addition of the inscription of "OSSA" along side the letter "T" in "COURT" should've been predicted.

Monday, December 08, 2003

The Scientist in MeNo that isn't a reference to a particularly intellectual homo-erotic practice, just I couldn't resist washing the hands in aforementioned washroom and experimenting which dryer would actually dry a hand quicker
a) Dryer #1: The fast blowing arctic temperature blower
b) Dryer #2: The pathetic puffer of warm air

Result... initially Dryer #1 was seem to dry the (left) hand faster than Dryer #2. On leaving the washroom, it seemed both had been equally unsuccessful and that Dryer #1's perceived success was due to the numbness induced by the -20deg c wind chill factor.

Odd look from fellow patron as I stood there with one hand under each dryer... nothing was said.

Cool BreezeWell the washroom dryer drama continues. A few weeks ago (see Breezes post 25 Nov 2003) did the long awaited replacement for dryer #2 arrived. Today, dryer #1's heater element has failed, resulting in deliverance of cool icy blast to the hands, thus making it as ineffective as the pathetic warm air puffer that is dryer #2. Wet door handle time again.

Sunday, December 07, 2003

Friday, December 05, 2003

Life in the Slow (Country) LaneJust for a change I thought I would take the sedate route into work and travel through the country lanes of this great nation. OK, so the M25 was closed between J6 and J7, causing major South East chaos... not for this boy though... we know every back alley route to Gatwick known to Christian Man (and a few atheistic ones too). A few observations
- There is a far better class of 'school run' in Tonbridge, judging by the number 911's, Series 5's and C-Classes cluttering the suburbs of this largest Kentish town
- Cheapest Xmas Trees were at a farm just past the Mormon church in Lingfield (£1 a foot)
- Funniest name of village Award: Dunk's Hill

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Illegal Tyre Grime"SEBLING QUALITY TYRES" it says on the back of a VIKING yellow transit M25 approaching J6. Some wag scrawled "NOT" with an insertion glyph between the "SEBLING" and the "QUALITY". Amazed that
a) Anyone would actually bother to do that
b) That such a person would know how to represent textual insertion

Life in the Slow LaneBig hellos to the driver of a silver 206 and 4x4, who very nearly made my morning by almost colliding 30ft in front of me coming unto the M20 this morning.
Now I can't use the mobile phone (see Dec 01 post), I juggled with half a dozen CDs, jewel cases and CD wallet instead. This mornings playlist included:-

From today it will be illegal to operate a mobile phone whilst driving in the UK. However like all things in the UK, the vagueness of this particular law is comical in the extreme. For example, depending on who you watch/listen to this morning, the following facts could be gleaned, that whilst driving:

a) It's OK to operate a mobile phone if you have a hands free kit
b) It's not OK to operate a mobile phone with hands free, unless it's in a cradle
c) It's OK to operate your mobile phone with an earpiece, if you Blu-tac the phone to the dashboard
d) It's not OK to operate the phone if you actually have to hold the phone (earpiece or not)
e) It's OK to operate your mobile phone, if all you have to do is prod at the keys of the phone.
f) Some Police Forces in the UK are operating an "only warning" policy for 2 months, not issuing fines to offending motorists
g) Some Police Forces in the UK are issuing fines as of today
h) Driving whilst using a mobile phone is hazardous and a huge problem. Large numbers of people are killed each year by motorists using mobile phones whilst driving.
i) It's OK to use an earpiece on your mobile phone, for answering calls.
j) It's not OK to use an earpiece on your mobile, to make a call (unless you only prod the keys)
k) Using a mobile phone whilst driving is as dangerous as lighting a cigarette
l) There are laws already covering lighting a cigarette whilst driving.
m) Mobile phones are bad.
n) Mobile phones are good
o) Using a mobile phone whilst driving, with a bluetooth earpiece is OK.
p) Using a mobile phone whilst driving, is not OK if your parked with the engine on.

Confused? It's simple... just another excuse to squeeze more money out of the motorists and provide insurance companies with another reason NOT to pay up in the event of an accident. If road safety really is an issue in this country, then maybe a more prudent measure would be to limit the size, weight and numbers of juggernauts using the motorways during the hours of daylight (and especially during rush-hour). I'm sure the poor unfortunate soul who used to own a Black Peugeot 306 (N reg) that was obliterated, on the hard shoulder of the M25 (J5-2-J6) this morning, would agree.