There is definitely something to be said about the ridiculous amount of money that I spend in tuition at school. Mostly that I get some medical care for free as part of that cost. The second is that they offer some psychological help when needed.

Today I ditched most of my classes to go talk to someone. It takes a lot to admit that you’re losing control. It takes a lot to know that only someone else can tell you how to regain some of that control.

So today, I sought help.

We’ll see how it turns out, but for now… I’m going to have to trudge through and hope that on those bad days, no one I care about or love is in the way. Because it seems that little voice in your head that talks you down from yelling at neighbor kids, or screaming obscenities at someone can be diminished. Stress, lack of sleep, exhaustion and frusration can make that little voice dormant.

I haven’t been a pleasant person to be around the last few weeks. I don’t like it.

So for the last week or so, I’ve been playing around with the Genius feature on iTunes. I love the idea. It’s actually not quite as bad as people think. I personally like that it gives a little bit of variety. It also allows me to pick a particular song that I know I want to hear as the first one, and it picks other songs to go with it. Yay! Spares me the hassle of having to create playlists, considering I will often just make a playlist of one song and listen to it over and over again.

Because of Genius I’ve heard some new songs that I would never have otherwise noticed. I have 3,000+ songs on my ipod currently, and I know how I am with regard to music. I’ve enjoyed most of the playlists that Genius has created.

What I would like to see with the Genius feature though, are a handful of things.

1. Give me the ability to remove a single song, and have Genius replace it. I’d like to keep hte 25 or 50 songs, but sometimes, I just want one or three to be different. Currently, I have to either refresh the whole playlist (and hope that the songs I liked remain) or just remove them entirely, and shortening the playlist altogether.

2. Let me make it a “non Genius” playlist, so that I don’t accidently hit refresh (or someone else hits refresh for me) only to have me lose the playlist that existed, and have it replaced with a playlist I wasn’t expecting.

What I’d like to be doing right now is enjoying the new episode of House that I still haven’t seen. What I would like to be doing is sleeping, while enjoying the episode of House I still haven’t seen. And on top of that, I’d like to sleep and NOT have to wake up in the morning and go to work, while enjoying the episode of House I still haven’t seen.

That’s just not going to happen, so I’ll stop complaining.

Let’s talk about school for a minute though. Let’s talk about how much of a work load I’ve got and I’m attempting to stay ahead of the game, and while I’m not behind, I’m not caught up or on par either. It’s driving me absolutely batty, but I know that if I don’t at least try for all A’s, then my chances of bringing my GPA up high enough to even be considered for grad school are out the window.

I’m going to have to figure out this whole money situation as well. I’m not hurting, not yet. I’m working on trying to maintain this positive attitude with regard to getting stuff paid off, and all this other nonsense. I mean. I’m slightly ahead of the game right now, but it’s still kind of disheartening to see how little money I have stashed into savings for the remainder of the semester. I just have to remember that I do get another check for financial aid as the semester progresses, so I’m not completely screwed. Not completely.

The world as I know it has ceased to be. My boyfriend (with whom I’m quite happy with) has ceased to actually be a boyfriend since school has started. We maintain this distance while we’re at school, which is actually okay… but this distance has overflowed into the weekend… and I’m starting to miss my actual boyfriend, rather than my classmate (whom I get to see often). It’s very hard to explain without it coming across as rather childish and, well, high school-y. But I promise it makes perfect sense in my head.

My favorite class of the semester is definitely American Sign Language 1. Somewhere inside of me, this class has awoken this weird desire. I mean, I actually love the class. I haven’t loved any class in a long time. It’s not because it’s easy, or unchallenging. It’s just so unbelievably different, and I feel as though I’m accomplishing something.

All the psych classes make me feel like I’m relearning all the same shit. Over, and over, and over, and over again… ad nauseum. It’s really sad. I’ve heard multiple concepts be introduced in class, and I can’t keep track of which instructor/professor was the first one to talk about it… It’s like they’ve all gathered together just to confuse the shit out of me.

I’m on sensory overload. My class load is too much, I realize this now. But my determination to not be at Sac State for a 5th semester is keeping me going. I’m just tired. Tired all the time.

I’ve forgotten to write. Because almost all of my waking free time is spent with some stupid text book in front of my face. This weekend? I have 3 papers to write. Nothing big… none of them so intense that I couldn’t do them all in a single day. Each of them so entirely different from the others that I might just have to take an hour break in between to prepare my brain for the shifting of gears.

How the HELL am I going to do next semester with 18 units, when I can hardly function this semester with 16. *sigh* No clue. I’ll figure it all out though. Eventually.

For now, I’m heading to bed… somewhat earlier than normal.

P.S. My now fixed cat, after being depressed for 5-6 days is finally acting normal again (thank goodness). Her little doped up face made me cry, on a number of occasions as I felt the effects of my selfishness and inability to deal with her in heat… and it took it’s toll. I’ve always had fixed animals, and I don’t know if I can handle going through that again. She’s eating well again, and has gained some weight back. She’s jumping playing and acting normal. Yay. I missed my love muffin. ha!

So, basically here’s the deal. If you saw some weird page, for the two of you who come here to read, I’m sorry. When I log into the WP admin control panel thingie, I get this “UPGRADE NOW” message. I upgraded via Dreamhost, as I always do, and suddenly, everything is gone. It’s a completely new install. WTFF! (What the flying fuck, for those not in the know). I mean, here’s the automatically generated password for the first admin login, and what do you want to call the blog you’ve had for the last 7 months, but are now redoing because something got fucked up.

Yeah, I prayed and HOPED that Dreamhost could fix my epic failure attempt at upgrading.

So as I look and see this pink line across the top of my screen I want to flip it off and yell “FUCK YOU SQUIRREL!” to the Upgrade message. I’m terrified to do it again. TERRIFIED. Can I stress this a little bit more… I mean, unbelivably, unequivacably scared out of my fuckin’ mind of losing my blog… again. It’s not that I have all these great entries. Or that I have the most amazing layout known to man. But it’s mine and I want it.

So I’m SUPER happy that Dreamhost was able to fix it. And I’m super happy that I was so busy for the last couple of week that I hadn’t updated, there were no new comments or anything of the sort, because it gave that poor guy who got my email a chance to pull up a working back up and fix what the wordpress upgrade screwed up.

Wanna know what’s funny? I went to WP, to see if other people had issues. I wasn’t the only one. It may not have gone the same, but people were losing the ability to login with their admin passwords, and things just weren’t right. Fuck that stupid pink bar, I’ll leave it there until the next one comes out.