The building of what will allegedly become a new national stadium in Wembley ought really to have been filmed and then broadcast in half-hour instalments four days a week. All right, the twists and turns down Wembley Way haven't been quite as unexpected as a very-much-alive Bobby Ewing lathering his bonce, but they have at least managed the predictable-but-tittersome absurdity of the ale-soaked exploits of Emmerdale's Dingle family.

Having kicked off the week with pay disputes, which followed last week's collapsed roof and an embarrassing toilet gaffe, today's visit to Wembley Way sees incurably dozy landowner the FA finally concede that the Aussie gallahs it hired won't get the job done before February 2007. "Further to recent meetings with Multiplex and WNSL, it is clear that construction is significantly behind schedule," it said, reaching that conclusion significantly behind schedule.

This means, of course, that we'll be treated to a traditional London street party, as local residents celebrate being spared concerts by Robbie Williams and Bon Jovi. And, as the delay means a further £32m bill, viewers can also expect a dramatic courtroom battle. "We believe they've made enough design changes to entitle us to extensions of time," whined the Strines, getting their excuses on record early.

"So far we have not had a single hour's extension. We believe we are entitled to the end of September, and that's being conservative," they soon added. "The reality is that it could stretch way into next year." With expected losses of £183m, you can't blame the bludgers for trying, but WNSL are having none of it. "Multiplex said it would finish the steelwork in February 2006," said a mole, quite possibly of the furry digging variety that might be of some use on a building site. "The cranes are still up: how is that the client's fault?" Next week: a dodgy curry has terrible implications for the six on-site Portaloos, and welders Jayden and Corey battle their feelings for each other.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

"At the end of the season we are going to have to take a decision. It will be done before the World Cup, that's for sure" - prepare the bunting: in a maximum of 69 days, those countless Thierry Henry staying/going stories will finally disappear for good.

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NOT-SO-GOLDEN GRAEME

When he isn't busy pondering the latest musings of mung bean-munching polemist Polly Toynbee or chortling at (very) occasional Fiver writer Lawrence Booth's G2 yoghurt feature shame, self-confessed Berliner theguardian reader Graeme Le Saux says what he sees for spare change in TV and radio studios throughout the BBC. At least he did until yesterday, when the former England full-back threw the kind of showbiz hissy-fit Elton John would be proud of and walked out.

Today the BBC confirmed that Le Saux quit upon being told Mark Lawrenson had landed the plum gig as John Motson's interpreter at the World Cup this summer. "The BBC felt for games of this significance the audience would want the experience and expertise Mark brings to the commentary box," said a misguided spokesman, clearly oblivious to the fact that the audience would rather watch with the sound turned down than be subjected to the tedious blandishments of members of the corporation's cosiest old boys club.

"Graeme was offered other commentary roles at other World Cup games but decided he wanted no further involvement with the BBC after being dropped from the England commentary team," continued Auntie's spokesman, as fearless analysts such as Alan Hansen and Ian Wright-Wright-Wright rehearsed their synchronised puns, pompom-waving and patronising-of-foreigners ahead of this summer's global jamboree.

But with Le Saux gone, the question now is how the rest of the BBC's staggeringly awful team of pundits can be replaced with entertaining football analysts who aren't too cowardly to speak their minds. "Is this really what football at international level has come down to? Is this the beautiful game? Is this the glory game? I've played with guys like that. I don't want to see them picking up a cup," declared RTE pundit Eamon Dunphy of eventual winners Greece during Euro 2004. The man who's never been afraid to tell it like it is (or isn't) might as well have been talking about Jug Ears Lineker and his team of self-regarding halfwits on the BBC.

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HANDS UP WHO WANTS TO WORK AT FIVER TOWERS!

Freelance uploaders and night editors

Guardian Unlimited Sport, our award-winning website, is looking for freelance uploaders and night editors to put the Guardian and Observer's content on to the web every evening. You will be responsible for uploading content from the paper overnight and making sure it sparkles on our sports sites. A flair for writing snappy sells plus speed and accuracy are musts. You should have a wide knowledge of most sports and ideally you will be NCTJ-trained or on an NCTJ course and/or have professional journalism experience. Both roles require a commitment to weekend shifts.

Those who excel as uploaders will be trained as night editors, and there's also the possibility of day shifts on Guardian Unlimited. Hours are usually 7.30pm-1.30am for uploaders and 6.30pm-2.30am for night editors.

We're also looking for freelance writers and subs to work on the desk during the summer's big events. Writers should be able to switch effortlessly between writing news, features, comment and funnies, while subs must be fast, unyielding and accurate. A familiarity with the web is a must. You should have a wide knowledge of most sports and ideally you will be NCTJ-trained and/or have professional journalism experience.

Jongleurs FC could be laughing all the way to the bank in May, if Marseille finally rid them of Jean-Alain Boumsong. Granted, the £3m deal will be a £5m loss for the Magpies, but it's still £3m more than the bumbling defender's worth.

Villarreal hope to see lank-haired Gooner Robert Pires waddling their way on a free transfer this summer.

And Reading are keen to keep Matthew Upson in the Premiership by acquiring him from Bongo FC.

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NEWS IN BRIEF

Middlesbrough defender Emanuel Pogatetz has been ruled out for the rest of the season following the injury he suffered during last night's Euro Vase defeat in Basel/Basle/Barrrlllll. The Austrian is set for surgery next week after breaking his nose and fracturing his maxilla in a collision with Mladen Petric.

Fifa is investigating West Brom goalkeeper Tomasz Kuszczak over allegations he owes £100,000 to his former agent Shep Messing, following his 2004 move from Hertha Berlin to the Hawthorns.

More Fifa news: the game's governing body have named just 23 referees to cover the 64 games of the 2006 World Cup in Germany. England's Graham Poll, however, made the cut.

Quinton Fortune will be released by the MU Rowdies at the end of the season. "We have a lot of good, young players in his position, so we are not going to be renewing his contract," Lord Ferg admitted. "He has been a great servant and played some terrific games for us and I think next season he will get a good club."

The UICC Global Smokefree Partnership, a group including Cancer Research UK and the American Cancer Society, has urged World Cup organisers to ban smoking at host grounds this summer. "Tobacco and sports don't mix," said Professor Gerhard Sybrecht, deputy chairman of the German Lung Foundation, who's clearly never heard of Brazilian legend Socrates.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Here are some facts that, as we Germans say, should be spread onto Multiplex's slice of bread (Eh? - Fiver ed). Munich's new stadium was started 21 days after Late Wembley, and has been open since April 2005, despite severe snow every winter. It also cost 340m euros, compared to Wembley's £785m. Multiplex - shame, shame, triple shame!" - Henning Furbach.

"Re: Scott Parker's glandular fever (yesterday's news in brief). Granny Fiver is wrong. The kissing disease is mononucleosis, while glandular fever is something else entirely. I had the misfortune to suffer from both - I hadn't kissed anything before suffering from glandular fever aged 13, and I was quite the lothario when I contracted mononucleosis in my late teens" - Lee Coltman.

"Commenting on Scott Parker's illness, Glenn Roeder said: 'We think he's had this for a month or more. That sums up everything you need to know about Scott Parker'. If and when Parker comes to appoint an official biographer, I think he should look for someone with a slightly more interesting take on his life-story" - Tom Edmonds.

"I can confirm Embrace's massively over-inflated opinion of themselves. I saw Danny giving a Leeds nightclub bouncer the big 'I am' whilst trying to queue-jump last Christmas. To which the bouncer replied: 'Yeah, I do know who you are and you're no Liam Gallagher, are you? Now eff off!'" - Tim Allen.

"I sat next to Chris Martin at Embrace's 'comeback' gig at the Shepherd's Bush Empire and he looked distinctly unimpressed during the rendition of the aforementioned hand-me-down. He wasn't alone" - Paul Warner.

Five: EhJohnEhBarnes'sEhFootballEhNight (12am) "Don't get me started on HSBC," writes Andy McSteen, starting on the world's local bank as our file marked Readers' Tales Of Bumbling Officialdom increases in thickness by another four inches overnight.

Sky Sports 1: Soccer AM's All Sports Show (6pm) "A few years ago I moved to Sao Caetano in Sao Paulo, Brazil, having been assured by my local branch in Blighty that I'd be able to use my ATM cards at HSBC in Brazil.

Premier League Preview (7pm) "Upon arriving in Sao Cateano, I found that I was actually living directly above a HSBC branch, and the machines or counter-staff would not accept my cards.

Live Football League: Crystal Palace v Watford (7.30pm) "When I rang HSBC in the UK to explain the problem, they explained that I couldn't use my HSBC cards in HSBC branches because 'that is a different company'.

British Eurosport: Big Cup Highlights (6pm) "I then managed to get the cards to work in an American bank in the centre of Sao Paulo (about an hour away), despite never having had dealings of any kind with the bank in question.

Bravo: Gazzetta Football Italia (8pm) "Upon arriving back in London, I was greeted in the passenger walkway by an advert declaring that HSBC is 'the world's local bank'. Grrrrr!!!!"

ESPN Classic: Champions of the World: Mexico (6pm) A similar thing happened to Daniel Winterbottom, who had his cards cancelled as a result of "suspicious activity" - the world's local bank were upset by the manner in which Dan was spending money in New York, where he'd moved to work for two months.

Cup Winners' Cup 1983: Aberdeen FC v Real Madrid CF (10pm) Having eventually agreed to send replacement cards to the New York HSBC branch he could see from his hotel window, they instead posted them to a London address he didn't live at any more - four weeks late.

Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm) "Finally they sent the cards to a branch in Leeds, where my parents picked them up," explains Dan. "They posted them to my sister, who came to New York and delivered them by hand.

Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm) "I finally got them seven weeks after my first contact with HSBC - I was stitched up like a kipper!"

Newstalk 106FM (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball With Ger Gilroy (7pm) Have incompetent administrators made your life a world of pain? Tell the.boss@guardian.co.uk all about it in an email marked I've Been On Hold For Three Days.