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Many, eh ? That must be even more difficult than one, no ?

Also, if one were to be with their bodymate and studied each other's thoughts for 30 years and were inspired by each other, would they turn soulmates ? Does "turning" soulmates happen ? May be people don't give that kind of time to each other's thoughts as much to their bodies ?

Yup.. many things are understood or perceived during the formation stage.. and many enter into relationship as a ritual and due to compulsions, and not for really being together. Most weddings happen in an assumption of tomorrow and not by really studying or observing the other.. and because they are wedded they also start depriving the other and never allow any relationship to develop. And couples living together also develop a dependency on each other, and the guilt does not let them think independent. So married couples too should give their relationship a break say like 3 months , so they can develop some independent skills..

And Many or as many is never a problem, once we understand why we need to relate with another ... and without this understanding even having one mate, is considered excess, and becomes an extra-marital affair....

One can obviously see, many being forced to live together where they never deserved another OR never wanted another..

I will agree with some parts of your answer. But I think, there is an over-emphasis on independence, and dependence being made out to be evil. Let me try and contest that.

Independence is over-rated. In the book "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People", the author explains that "interdependence" is a greater virtue than independence. I think, part of the problem we have is, because we seek independence with such vigour. Everyone wants to be independent, or the other to be independent or make them independent. We even use phrases like "I want my parents to be financially independent" as if that was the whole thing they seek.

X can depend on Y for something, and Y can depend on X for something else, they don't have to "release" each other from these, and yet have a happy life for decades. This vigorous seek also results in the over-rating of phrases like "I need my private space" etc, though they may have a limited relevance. Increasingly, we lose our ability to adapt ourselves to live or work with others, or why not "under" others, while we would be happy have them do that for us. "This is what I WANT to be/do", comes out really with the bold emphasis, even lesser than finding things to do together or letting go of some of those wants for the sake of feeling for each other. In fact, I would even say, in most cases, "I want independence" or "I want you to be independent" are euphemisms of saying "It's not happening my way", thats all. Words like adapting or sacrificing are made out to sound like catchy phrases, "building your prison", "compromising all your life", "repressing your life urge" etc.

Also, studying priorly is over-rated. That's what it takes to truly study and understand a person, a life time or three decades. There is nothing like studying "and then" settling. At the stage we are in, we study a person only to the layers that is exposed at that stage. After a while, as years move on, new layers emerge, both in us and in them. In the romantic months, we could say, we have studied. That study is not going to the same as studying a person when he has cancer or studying a person when he has lost his job.

In relationships (unlike in professional life), we will do well with developing values that let us adapt, sacrifice and let go, rather than developing independent skills.

It can become endless if we converse this way. Rather I prefer the pinning of certain terms en-route a leave the rest to one's own imagination. Also I don't like quoting authors of books as verdict, for that basically stops our independent thinking ability that nature gifted to each of us. From this I would not be able to say whether "Interdependence is greater virtue than independence" is your observation or that of the author...

Probably try explaining what you are trying to using this metaphor... Lets take the example of Cycling or Bike Riding... Not many are gifted to learn the balancing act and ride a cycle on their own. Some pick up the art quite quickly and become independent, which means they can ride on their own and go places. And the one who is unable to, is dependent on the skilled for ever, and hence has to be subservient to the skilled and has to abide and obey the rules of a pillion rider, as set by the skilled person..

If we change the vehicle to a boat, a single rower can use both oars or two can operate each oar sitting either side. In the 2nd case there is interdependence and not easy to spot who is in the bad.

I think metaphorically you would be able to contest better.. and declare who has to adapt, sacrifice .. and I really don't understand why one must not develop independent skills when it comes to relationships.

A better metaphor, I think, would be an orchestra. Each one has their independent skill, but the goal is not a display of that, but of creating a symphony out of the various instruments, playing low or not playing or playing at the right time, syncing with the notes. People with perfect independent skills as displayed in a solo performance, can still mess up the harmony if they are out there to perform, instead of "perform a part". Each member doesn't have to pick up the skill in the other instrument, but bring whatever he is good at (which may not be many, but just that one thing) and play the part that fits in the piece. This can be seen better in orchestra practice in learners, where they play even their part imperfectly, but over a period of time, improve their ability to play their part well.

Its not like we "must not" develop independent skills, it's that such skills should subserve the cause of happiness and harmony, even if with occasional small spikes. In relationships, it's okay to be unskilled yet happy, and worse to be skilled yet unhappy. As to who should adapt, all of them. If it's two of them, both. One on Issue A today, another on Issue B tomorrow. If someone can't develop a certain skill independently, that should be fine, because we are in a relationship, not in a training institute or talent exam.

As to the oar metaphor, it would depend whether we are working for (1) a "best rower" award or (2) reaching a destination or (3) the fun of rowing together or (4) acquiring the skill better to prepare for a whirl ahead. 3 and 4 relate better to relationships success and use the skill for a better experience of being together. 3 will won't even expect a good skill from the other, just to row a bit here and relax a bit there. 1 and 2, however, are about "urging" the other to become something or "requiring" them to build a skill, which may or may not be their cup of tea. Excellence is not a good objective for relationships, happiness is. We can be imperfect, dependent, unskilled in one area, be independent and skilled in another, and yet be happy with someone who is the converse.

As to the book, I believe and endorse that view, have found it to be true in my experience and therefore find nothing wrong in quoting a source of inspiration, where applicable. It has got nothing to do with independent thinking. It's good to use some library in our lives and test them in practice. It's not much different from quoting a book cover.

Nothing wrong in quoting an inspiration and draw inference from that. But usually I see people holding it as a dogma, and build a barrier around it. They put up a lot of resistance when it comes to unlearning or relearning, and insisting that their opinion gained from the author is right.. This way every author becomes an authority, whether he meant to be one or not.

And I do not know why your metaphor has to be BETTER. but pitching on the Orchestra metaphor, you would agree that the world is missing the orchestrator, and is nothing but a cacophony. We assume that in an orchestra, that each one is a full-fledged musician on their own accord. Only certain schools still have orchestra and they just do it as a ritual, where the students just learns that one bit to play for the occasion, and knows nothing else.

World too is in such a state of the missing king, during which period the Regents took over and made themselves a permanent place and they never seem to handover to the heirs, even after they are educated and matured and the chain reaction is what we are facing in interpersonal relationships.

So interdependence is forced on to even those who are independent, like even if they can drive the car on their own, they are wedded with another and given another steering in the name of equality, so none can know whose fault it is, and end up breaking the car, which is the metaphor for family.

Anyways, I think together we have stitched a good book.. So shall we get on to publishing this? LOL!..

Thats the way i look at it. It tell my mum the same thing (im actually 17 btw, i lied in my profile) so i live with her. And she says what's in it for you then? And i say all this shite is going to evolve one day, why not help with it? hehe.

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