“Fluffy animal deaths NOT my fault” – A message from the Chancellor

In what appears to be a pre-emptive attack, the Treasury this morning released details of a speech to be given by George Osborne. In it, the Chancellor distances himself from the deaths of adorable baby farm animals, saying, “Look, I know it’s really popular to blame the government at the moment, but let me be clear, the deaths of incredibly cute lambs from the insatiable cold are not the result of coalition policies.”

He continued, “We’ve been too busy trying to kill off the poor to give animals a second thought. Although I do admire winter’s efficiency and we’ll certainly be looking at what we can learn from it in order to streamline our policies of seeing off the more vulnerable members of society.”

Labour’s Ed Balls said: “Winter is a very bad thing. We have some very good things back at our farm. But I can’t tell you what they are.”