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Are There Really 40-Year-Old Virgins?

In the 2005 romantic comedy, "The 40-Year-Old Virgin," Steve Carell plays Andy, a nerdy retail salesman into his fourth decade who has never done the deed. He inadvertently lets his virginity slip to his friends, who decide to help him gain sexual experience, but their advice is screwball and their help is, at best, dubious. Of course, as the plot unfolds, on his own, Andy meets Trish (Catherine Keener), and eventually, well, it's Hollywood, so you can guess....

"The 40-Year-Old Virgin" is played for laughs, but for real older virgins, generally defined as people who have not had intercourse by age 25, it probably elicits tears. The real world of older virgins is much different from the one depicted in the film. It's a world of shame and isolation, a world where people feel seriously stuck, handicapped, and not part of the adult world.

Forty years ago, older virgins were considered curiosities, but by the mid-1980s, sex therapists began reporting a steady trickle of clients over age 25, about three-quarters of them men, who had never had sex with anyone other than themselves. (Many had tried sex workers, but most said that "didn't count" because commercial sex wasn't "real" sex, and they'd never had "real" relationships.) By the 1990s, it was clear that a surprisingly large number of people were still involuntarily virgins at age 25, but the true prevalence of older virginity remained a mystery.

That began to change with the 2009 publication of a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. Using data from the National Survey of Family Growth, the researchers tracked sexual abstinence among 2,469 men and 5,120 women age 25 to 45, and found that 122 of the men (5 percent) and 104 of the women (2 percent) said they'd never had partner sex. Now some abstinence might be voluntary, Catholic priests and nuns, or others who affirmatively opt for celibacy. But it's safe to say that most--probably the vast majority--of older virginity is involuntary. I interviewed one 47-year-old virgin man who called it "my shame, my terrible handicap."

The study found two significant associations with older virginity: regular attendance at religious services and abstinence from alcohol. However, in my interviews with older virgins and with the therapists who counsel them, those factors appear much less important than profound shyness, social awkwardness, and general discomfort with the opposite sex and the whole idea of physical intimacy with another person. As one told me: "I shut myself off. I can't really explain why, except to say I was very shy. I was keenly interested in women, but they intimidated me. I had no idea how to get beyond casual friendships to anything romantic, no idea at all."

But surrogacy is controversial. It began in 1966, when British sexologist Martin John Cole, Ph.D. introduced "sex surrogates," sexologically trained women, into sex therapy with men--and was attacked for running a brothel. A few years later, pioneering sex researchers William Masters, M.D. and Virginia Johnson also employed surrogates and faced similar attacks.

Since then, the name has changed from "sex surrogate" to "surrogate partner," and for good reason. Many surrogates never have sex, i.e. intercourse, with their clients. Instead, they answer clients' sex questions, and introduce them to kissing, sensual touch, massage, and mutual nudity--but not genital sex--to help them become more comfortable with what happens in intimate relationships. However, when working with older virgins, after many sessions of foreplay, some surrogates include intercourse.

To distinguish themselves from sex workers, most surrogate partners work closely with sex therapists, and accept clients only by referral from therapists. Surrogate therapy costs more than regular sex therapy because both the therapist and surrogate must be paid. Figure $200 to $250 an hour.

Most surrogate partners live in Southern California. Clients who live elsewhere either travel there or pay for the surrogate to come to them, which adds to the expense. One man I interviewed lives on the East Coast. He found a psychotherapist near him to supervise his work with a surrogate, and flew the surrogate out from Los Angeles. The total cost of his therapy came to around $10,000. But he was happy to pay because by the end of his therapy, he felt "finally, part of the world."

For more about surrogate therapy, including how to find a surrogate partner, visit the International Professional Surrogates Association (IPSA) at surrogatetherapy.org.

Roy F. Baumeister reported to the APA a few years ago that, while 80% of the women who have ever lived reproduced, only 40% of human males who have have ever tread the earth managed to reproduce. So, it is fair to assume that large numbers of non-alpha males died never having had sex with a woman. The "world of male privilege" is a world that has been inhabited by a minority of males. I suppose it is some comfort to know that our male ancestors are members of an elite club--i.e. those who managed to reproduce.

Indubitably! Mother Nature practically hands the keys to the harem to Alpha Males while proverbially emasculating Omega males. Inevitably when you find a middle-aged virginal male you'll find a dud of a man and it's little wonder that women don't want to have sex with him. Evolution demands that the best males and females of every species to reproduce to their prime fertility years while making sure the worst of the males and females don't. Just as the majority of animals born don't make it to reproductive age so too history shows that without technology most human babies won't grow up to become adults. Hence virginal men have alway existed but it's today society that puts a premium on sexual experience. So if people want blame anything - don't blame society, blame Mother Nature.

Perhaps it is the harem itself, and not Mother Nature, who hands the keys to the Alpha Males. Put another way, it is women who decide what traits are the necessary traits of an Alpha Male, and that list of traits may change over time (though certain traits remain perenial favorites. So,the Alpha Male is an ever-changing social construct, and it is women who make the call. So the next time you hear a woman make a statement to the effect that men are jerks, you might respond that our female ancestors must have thought that jerkiness is a highly desirable trait.

Alpha males are manly men for which womean are highly attracted to. It's no different when men are constantly ogling beautiful women while ignoring unattractive women. I'm sure many a "nice guy" who gets the "let's just be friends" from a proverbial ex-cheerleader type would give a "let's just be friends" to a "nice gal". Likewise the outer features of what makes men and women desirable may slightly across cultures and eras but the underlying features still remain - namely the Alpha men and women are the most healthy, good-looking and symmetrical. Regardless of whether men like fat women or slender women they are still attracted to the hourglass figure with a WHR of 0.7. Likewise for a man to be high status in any culture and in any field he has to have a certain amount of courage, risk-taking and strength.

I personally don't believe "bad boys" are particularly bad - they just know they want and the have the courage to go after it. They usually have strong, charming personalities that will inevitably endear him to womens' attention. Similarly I don't believe "nice guys" are particularly nice rather they're spineless wimps who think they are deserving to be in a relationship with good-looking women but stand in the outskirts doing onthing because they too scared to have a go or because they know they will be rightfully rejected because they don't have enough status to make up for their lack of courage and good looks.

History is irrelevant. In the modern western world the vast majority of men reproduce at some point in their lives. Seriously this article wouldn't even be here and this wouldn't even be an issue if say, 75% of men have the confidence to get sex and the remaining 25% have to just put up with it. It's the fact we live in a society where 99.999999% of people get relationships, love and sex and usually get married and the remaining 0.000001 end up completely alone and live through utter utter imaginable hell and then, usually I imagine, commit suicide that is the issue here.

Roy F. Baumeister reported to the APA a few years ago that, while 80% of the women who have ever lived reproduced, only 40% of human males who have have ever tread the earth managed to reproduce. So, it is fair to assume that large numbers of non-alpha males died never having had sex with a woman. The "world of male privilege" is a world that has been inhabited by a minority of males. I suppose it is some comfort to know that our male ancestors are members of an elite club--i.e. those who managed to reproduce.

What you have exposed is sad, but unfortunately it rings true for lots of men, who had many things to offer to women, but for some reasons have been constantly rejected. In my case, the cause of rejection has been muscular dystrophy, who left me in a wheelchair two years ago, at the age of 57.

I'm over 40 and stuck in this situation and I can really relate to the description that I don't feel part of the adult world. I get on well with women, and can make them laugh, but I have always been clumsy amd shy when it comes to actually asking a women out - so mostly I've had knockbacks even before getting on a date. As time has gone on , I've become less and less inclined to go out particularly as I have no single friends. I tried internet dating when I was in my 30s for several years, it did lead to my first kiss with one girl, which was great but she wouldn't go any further and it soon fizzled out from her perspective. I went on lots of internet dates where there was no mutual attraction. A problem I find now is I am only attracted to girls in their 20s- early 30s.

I'm glad it's not just me who's a Virgin, in my experience, Women run away screaming when I tell them what I want, or I get friend zoned and never hear from them again.

I wish my Virginity was down to something honourable and noble, like my Religion but it's not.

It's down to me being unattractive to Females. In a way it's good as life is a lot less complicated, but I have no friends as like some1 earlier said, I feel inadequate, clumsy and childish as most guys I know have multiple girls they can call, I don't even have 1 or ever had 1.

So I don't feel I'm "On their level". I'm good at covering stuff up for a few minutes here and there, but I seriously can't develop friendships, as when they start talking about girls and sex I feel left out and in pain.

When they talk about wild stuff they done I feel like crying as I never got the chance to do those things.

I can't really relate to anyone unless their a Virgin.

I have no one to chill with, is there any Virgin meet up groups? A social setting where I won't feel pain anymore?

I've given up on sex now, it's not happening, I just want to meet people I can sit with and talk without feeling inferior.

I'm from London by the way so if anyone knows where I can meet fellow virgins let me know.

Well, I was stuck in this club until I was in my late 20's. Then I met my future wife, who had the right balance between sexual shyness and aggression that I could overcome my own extreme shyness without getting scared away. We've been married for more that 20 years and have raised a family. When our marriage soured a few years after we married, I began to feel that the clock was turning back to my pre-sex days. But thanks to therapy, the marriage is(for now) on the comeback. And because my therapist repeatedly emphasized to me the importance of sexual intimacy, my wife and I are now having intercourse now more than anytime since those early days, and at least for I now feel like I am making up for all that lost time. So my message to those out there: there is hope. Just keep looking. It's worth it.

While you're still alive, there's still time. Among people in your age group (assuming you're not going for 21-year-olds) I think they'll understand, no sex til marriage is completely normal for your generation. You won't be the only person in your situation. A rare one, but not the only one.

If someone likes and accepts you, they won't hold that against you. And it must be easier to date older women! Take 'em for a cup of tea and wow them with being gentlemanly, but still a little exciting inside. Women like to know you want them, it's your job to make her feel pursued, nicely but not strongly.

Least I think that's how I'd date someone in their 60s. You may as well take a chance, mate! What's to lose?

I was a male virgin past 20, so I realise what a pain it is, it's not actually funny.

(1) The Bible teaches that sex is reserved for marriage. (Naturally I only dated women who shared this belief...)

(2) All through my 20's and early 30's, it was like pulling teeth to get those women to even talk to me, let alone date or marry. I had very few relationships and often went for years at a time without a date. And it wasn't for lack of trying.

I am neither short, nor fat, nor ugly, nor dumb, nor shy, nor insane, nor evil. Indeed I am tall and (I'm often told) handsome, and also quite the old fashioned chivalrous romantic, the classic "nice guy" that every modern woman swears she wants to marry but never wants to date. Despite being a "good catch" (as I was often told), I simply could not gain any traction with women til my mid 30's, when my career finally took off and my salary began to soar. Funny how that works.

PS. I refuse to watch that 40 Year Old Virgin movie. It just might bring up too many painful memories.

Funny thing about (many) women is that if you hooked them up to a lie detecter and they said "I don't care about money", or "Just be yourself", the results probably would not indicate any sort of duplicity on their part, because in their rational minds they honestly believe this themselves.

Then they cheat on you with, or leave you or pass you over for a roguish charmer/rich alpha/emotionally unavailable type who doesn't treat them with respect.

And when you ask them about it they say "I can't explain it", "It just happened", "The heart wants what it wants", or, worst of all, "It is what it is." This last one from a woman who shot me (yes, me) down (although she was "nice" about it), although she didn't hesitate to eagerly regale me about her latest adventure flying out to Vegas to meet a high-rolling man (in a committed relationship with someone else) for a weekend of debauchery. Hypergamy/Harem Theory anyone?

She did me a favor, though. I finally accepted that she was forever beyond my reach, and finally allowed myself to feel bad about it, and finally moved on. I had to discover my own strength in this regard. I am now in a committed relationship with someone else. And when my former innamorata got married, I was happy for her, because she finally settled down with a good man - who was single when they met, MADE HIS INTEREST CLEAR, and STILL treated her with respect and affection.

Dudes: Don't be a Nice Guy. Treat the object of your attraction with respect by all means, but don't ever think that entitles you to anything.

Ladies: Hook up with anyone your loins/feminine drivers/ attraction meter tell you to, but don't ever think that entitles you to anything.

Maybe some men would have more confidence if you weren't so mean to them. So what women want is all that is important? Go to dating websites and so many women have these lengthy lists of unrealistic expectations that only about 2% of the male population could possibly come close to fulfilling. A man is "nice" so he's automatically a "creepy stalker". If societal roles were reversed, and it was the unwritten rule that women had to approach men, and men sat back and waited, let's see how confident you are after getting turned down time and time again, or ignored.

Suggestion - Try being a human being. Regardless of what gender we are, we can treat each other with respect - like try not being mean, for starters. Talk about "entitlement" issues. Your comments are all about what you like or want, but you don't look at maybe why one person is more or less confident than another. It's usually shaped by their experiences. They usually have a distorted low self esteem for a reason. People with self confidence, not surprisingly, have had positive experiences of "yes" and acceptance, so is it any surprise they are less hesitant.

Women don't care about money? Have you ever visited a dating website and read "about her match"???? What a disingenuous statement. Not all women care about money, we be a more accurate statement. Again, put yourselves in their position. You don't know what it's like, because you obviously expect all men to be born with confidence and it is something they should have, regardless of their experiences. All human beings are going to have lower self esteem and less confidence after continuous rejection or being treated poorly. Most guys that you think are confident, trust me, it is false bravado. But you sound like a very superficial person, so I wouldn't expect you to understand that.

Im commenting because the article offended me. Im 33 and a virgin and I do not see it as a crutch or shameful. I dont tell everyone because society does not see it that way. Well society sees many things backwards. If anything, it is honorable and couragous because i am standing up and sacrificing for my beliefs.
I am like you, I'm good, kind, talented, and not bad looking. I have had many girls (and some boys) who wanted to have sex with me, sometimes it was very um.. direct. Other times sex never crossed my mind, so I didnt catch their cues.
I turned them down because it is my well considered choice. I do not see much value in sex. I have seen more bad come from it than good. That is not to say I dont love, I love very much. Infact most of the girls I turned down I loved- it only saddens me that they either dislike me afterwards, or they do something self destructive.. Warning them ahead of time does not work, appearently most people associate loving someone with sex and you cant have one without the other (lies). I am convinced sex is a huge distraction from more important things. Nikola Tesla would agree, and who here can claim to have achieved 1/100th of what he had?
Unless i suddenly discover a plethora of great, undeniable reasons to have sex, then I intend to be an 80 year old virgin.

So the article was specifically about people who are INVOLUNTARILY virgins. That makes it one of the few articles on a topic that causes real frustration and pain to many people and yet is mostly ignored by society. And yet you decided to hijack it to talk about how amazing you are for resisting sex. What do you want? A medal?

What else do you do? Do you go to self help forums about eating disorders to talk about how wonderful you are for not having seconds at dinner time?

Do you find every article about problems that you don't have "offensive"? Do you find articles about a disease you haven't had to deal with offensive? This article wasn't for you and so nobody cares if you find it offensive or not.

It's not about people who don't have sex. It's about the utter shame an isolation that comes from lacking the skills that everyone else was apparently born with which enables them to obtain romantic relationships. It's about knowing that you will die alone and sink further and further into isolation as all of your friends marry and start families and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it. The feeling of utter powerlessness. It's connected to depression, social anxiety, all sorts of things and massive self esteem issues. The feeling of looking in the mirror every day and knowing that you are less desirable than everyone else on the planet it seems. An utter freak. If you think that the lack of actual sex is the main problem here then that just shows how much you fail to understand the issue.

And you have just insulted everyone who is going through this issue with your concept of "resisting" sex. Yeah I know sex is something that just happens to fall into many people's laps, they don't even have to work for it. It just happens automatically. Maybe you should count yourself lucky that this clearly is the case for you rather than considering yourself amazing for resisting it. And leave off commenting on issues that you don't understand.

This is a very well made comment. There is a massive amount of underlying things going on and people dismiss it as 'shy' or something. It shows shows the breath taking limited understanding people have. It really is a sad situation being a virgin and 40 but that is the card that has been dealt. I guess you can have far worse problems in life but still it must really suck.

I swear on anybody in my family's grave, if that happened to me and I got monied and then got attention, I would never marry. I would string 5 along (no older than 24), and each time one got boring or unlivable I'd dump her off for a new one. I would save a pile of semen and get a vasectomy, and have one or more children by foreign surrogate.

I learned best from the girls I have been around from HS to post-college: when you're the hot stuff and in demand, let your triage rain tears! Turn-about is fair play! At this point I'm starting think I ought to give as much of a rat's behind about women's feelings as I felt I had received: which isn't diddly squat. You don't do it for me, you're out! Worst comes to worst, my right hand knows all the right moves and never whines!

Want to keep dudes like me from cropping up in our late 20s, 30s, and 40s like this ladies? 'Do' a few of us *reclusive* (i.e. NOT EXTROVERTED!) nerds/geeks in high school/college! If you can't/won't, hook 'em up some other way! Freakin' give them lessons or something on the downlow. They're human and not pin-cushions for joke and ridicule! This goes for bros too!

I think older women might be more attracted to financial security, younger women aren't, since it's not usual at that age.

If you're only gonna date women who won't have sex before marriage, that's gonna happen! Marriage is kindof a big deal, women have much higher standards for that, than for a man they'll date or have sex with. And so do men.

I think older women might be more attracted to financial security, younger women aren't, since it's not usual at that age.

If you're only gonna date women who won't have sex before marriage, that's gonna happen! Marriage is kindof a big deal, women have much higher standards for that, than for a man they'll date or have sex with. And so do men.

I'm a 52-year-old male virgin. In my case it's because I'm rather asexual; I've never been interested in having sex with anyone, even when I lived with a girlfriend I loved and shared a bed with her and cuddled with her.

Argh will people stop hijacking this thread to talk about VOLUNTARY virginity! There's enough on that online/in media as it is - so much so that people don't even realise that it's possible to be INVOLUNTARILY virgin.

Both me and my boyfriend are virgins in our mid/late twenties - we plan on having sex sometime soon but we take our time to explore each other. Somewhat easier to be in the same boat when feeling too old to be a virgin - none of us had planed to remain one this long. So I guess it is possible to lose it for at least some of the involuntary virgins as long as they are at least somewhat attractive.

Well, I'm going to "out" myself here. I'm a 41 year old female virgin, and the stereotype of being shy and socially awkward is what applies tome. I wasn't too attractive as a teenager (although I improved afterwards) and some people also think I'm boring and stupid. Those are things that make me a little shyer than I probably would be otherwise. I don't tend to meet people when I go out because I stick with my friends, a lot of guys don't really talk to me and I struggle to talk to them as well. The couple that have shown an interest by dropping hints etc haven't responded to my efforts to be friendly and get to know them better. (I would be a dud root if I didn't get what I need to feed off anyway) So I've just come to terms with the fact that this is probably the way it will always be, for me. I can still be happy on my own, I just have to work a little harder at it. While I'm not going to sit here and say there's nothing wrong with me, if you met me day to day you honestly wouldn't think there was anything abnormal about me - I do not leap out as a freak, I'm just a normal woman! In spite of the hookup culture and people saying that human beings aren't naturally monogamous etc etc I think people would be surprised at how easy it is just to never get that close to anyone. I've tried my best, I want someone who treats me decently, and I'm at the stage where I don't want to have to feel inferior for something that's been largely beyond my control. I would like to see the realities about virginity, celibacy and sexual problems given more attention in the media.

Hear, here. Well said. I'm 40 and feel like a freak for never having had a relationship with a man. I never had boyfriends, and when I see truly freaky people out there married, I really feel like I must be a mutant. It gets worst every year. I get the "you're really pretty" and "you're such a great catch" - but of course, never from a single eligible guy so it doesn't count.

Sometimes, I really feel like life sucks for me. I too wish that there was more media attention about people like us - who are not freaks, but haven't been lucky in love.

Hello Anonymous, I read your post from April 17th with interest and wondered if you were aware of our reaching out to later-life virgins who may be interested in a documentary we are currently developing.

Please see the following from our original posting – we’d be delighted to hear from you should this be of interest.

Many thanks and best wishes.

'A new programme being researched by a terrestrial broadcaster is looking into helping individuals overcome shyness and awkwardness towards the opposite sex.

We're looking for people interested in having intimacy coaching to help get past their sexual anxieties.

Has your love-shyness significantly impacted on your life?
Are you thinking about swapping involuntary celibacy for the joy of sex?

For more information about the programme, e-mail cara.cummings(at)zigzag.uk.com at Zig Zag Productions, an independent TV company, or call 020 7017 8755.

All responses will be dealt with in the strictest confidence and your personal data will be processed in accordance with Zig Zag’s privacy policy.'

Hello Anonymous, I read your post from April 17th with interest and wondered if you were aware of our reaching out to later-life virgins who may be interested in a documentary we are currently developing.

Please see the following from our original posting – we’d be delighted to hear from you should this be of interest.

Many thanks and best wishes.

'A new programme being researched by a terrestrial broadcaster is looking into helping individuals overcome shyness and awkwardness towards the opposite sex.

We're looking for people interested in having intimacy coaching to help get past their sexual anxieties.

Has your love-shyness significantly impacted on your life?
Are you thinking about swapping involuntary celibacy for the joy of sex?

For more information about the programme, e-mail cara.cummings(at)zigzag.uk.com at Zig Zag Productions, an independent TV company, or call 020 7017 8755.

All responses will be dealt with in the strictest confidence and your personal data will be processed in accordance with Zig Zag’s privacy policy.'

I'm 39 and a virgin. I'm not overweight, in decent shape. But, I do wear thick glasses - always have, even from child-hood. Contacts and surgery are not a realistic or affordable option.

In my younger days, I had no trouble talking with women, and they had no trouble talking to me. The problem arose when I asked them out on a date. It's one thing to spend time with an unattractive man in class or at the office, quite another to be seen in public on a date with such a man. Some women actually kept me in reserve, in case their first choices in men did not pan out - whoopee!

There was also an ethnic factor. I'm Indian-American, although I am often mistaken for Hispanic, Italian, Greek, Iranian etc. At least in the 90's, Indian men did not rank very high on the dating totem pole, unless (like their non-Indian counterparts), they feel in the top 10% of men in looks and wealth. I was probably less than average - so average women of any ethnicity were not paying any attention to me. I am now at an age where I should be earning enough money to support a family, but I have never earned more than $38,000 a year, which would be OK for a man of average looks, but their is an ugly tax on me. If you don't have the looks, you better make up for it in money.

Which leads to my next problem. Since I was striking out with women, I induldged in phone sex, which put me into debt. The more I struck out, the more I spent on the phone sex. I tell myself it is self-destructive, but I rationalize it by saying that there is no future for me anyway, why take away the one thing that gives me a momentary escape?

Almost 40, I am Indian-American and know several other Indian-American guys from my social group who ended up in full-fledged relationships and got married (some even to those rarefied prizes, White American Women!), so I think that counts a lot less than you might think.

I sometimes perceived my IA-ness as a social handicap. Truthfully, some of us are first-generation IA's, and our parents didn't prioritize our learning of, or teach us, the social skills necessary to hang with the cool kids. But this isn't true for every case, and a lot of guys just took it upon themselves to learn what it takes to be socially competent in the US, or they learned from friends.

Are you fairly assimilated in your personal style? (Not dressed to the nines in the latest Expen$ive fashions, but groomed, hair cut short and neat, clothes neat, well-fitting, and with some variety of color or cut)
Or are you more "Straight-off-the-boat?" (Two minutes away from needing a haircut, inattentive to personal hygiene, dressing the same bland style every day)
It sounds shallow I know. But Women do pay attention to these things and will appreciate the fact that you make the effort! It says you care about yourself enough to do so. Because the most important aspect of this is to do it for yourself, so you can feel highly presentable when you are out and about.

What about your speech? Do you talk really fast, like a lot of IA's do? Or do you speak in a measured way, and is it clear and intelligible whether or not you have an accent?

I only ask because there are lots of American girls who, depending on their education and open-mindedness, may have a fear of not being able to understand you. That said, the fear is related mostly to their perception of themselves, not specifically to how you sound.

I will say most of the guys I'm referring to were (generally) successful financially and career-wise. They did the dutiful son thing, got educated, became doctors, engineers, IT people. Some went into MBA/Consulting, etc., the typical route.

You say you have never made more than $38K a year. I am not suggesting this is a flaw, but do you think you could express a reason that this is the case?

And why should contact lenses be beyond your reach, unless you do not have Vision coverage through your employer's health benefits?
Do you think that contact lenses will make you more attractive?
Isn't a more realistic appraisal to say that losing the thick glasses would make you feel better about yourself when you look in the mirror?

You are correct in your assumption that your income can generate more appeal. Some women are drawn to that seemingly superficial quality..I've seen plenty of twinkies with older, sloppier men who happened to have a lot of money. I make no judgments.

I did not have a lot of money in my late 20's or early 30's. What I did have, was a modicum of confidence that emerged from my main social activity, which was being a semi-professional musician. I was blessed with some talent that allowed me to play music in local venues. Much of the feedback I got from women friends and even some I dated/hooked up with was that when I was playing on stage, I came off as sexy and confident and enjoying the attention. It didn't matter that I was Indian, Balding, with a round head and a weak chin (and, might I add, somewhat Thick glasses!) The truth is, I was doing something I was good at (playing guitar and singing), which I visibly enjoyed (I grinned like a maniac and hammed it up all night), and which affected the women that were engaged with it in a positive way (they were entertained!). That sends the message of confidence, and that's what most people respond to.

So the first step to develop confidence might be for you to find something you are good at, that you enjoy, and affects women (and guys! It's always helpful to have a large circle of friends) who engage with this activity in a positive way. It will be a reinforcing loop and you will see a difference in your life, largely because it will serve as a more positive escape from identifying with the negative perceptions you have of yourself and your virginity.

Think of the confidence you might reinforce if you set yourself a goal of, say - getting out of debt. That reinforces the idea that you are financially smart and used those smarts to get out of debt. You might be able to share this skill with someone else, which will create a positive impression in them, and if they give you positive feedback and will reinforce the confidence you have in your desirable characteristics.

I am married now to a beautiful girl who I met during my time as a musician - and was only making $33K a year during my day gig. Being a musician doesn't pay squat! But her love actually inspired me to improve myself as well - I went back to school for a Master's degree and am employed in business and supporting my family.

All of the "handicaps" and "obstacles" you mentioned can be overcome and the result will be a more positive feedback loop that will sustain itself in your years going forward.

It's never too late! There is hope. Get good at something and share it with the world - that is a great place to start. People will respond.

I am a 45 yr old virgin and I think it is because my parents were involved in the church and taught me to believe that you saved it for the man you married. However no one told me that my chances of marriage was little to none being a black female. My parent's generation believed in marriage before sex and children and with my generation all of that changed but I didn't. The older I got, the harder it got because it began to work on my self-esteem. At this point I would love to have crazy sex with an experienced man who can teach me. Vibrators are great but it does not fill the want for a man.

My uncle is about 55, and I'm pretty sure that he is a virgin. He is very religious (evangelical Christian), has never touched alcohol, is very shy and has never had a girlfriend (or boyfriend, for that matter). He lived with his parents, my grandparents, until he was 50. I highly doubt he has ever even been kissed. His best friend, who is also most likely a virgin, is the same way, albeit less religious. My uncle is a wonderful, educated man who has always treated me and my brother as the children he never had. Still, I often wonder how he feels around women and if he regrets not being able to find "the one."