Thursday, October 2, 2008

A Message From Congress To The People

Dear Residents (legal and illegal), and U.S. Persons (no more U.S. Citizens):

We're going to pass the bailout package. What we're doing is postponing our plans to crash the economy for a while, at least until after the elections. In the meantime, we can steal a lot more money from you by pumping an ungodly amount of worthless currency into the market (super inflation) and drive prices up very rapidly. We know many of you won't be able to make it when gasoline hits $8 and things you've been paying $5 for very quickly jump to $9 or $10.

Many of you will starve, especially you old folks who are already eating dog food and are unable to refill your prescriptions. Some of you will just go ahead and commit suicide to keep from facing the agony of starvation. Strokes and heart attacks are relatively painless, when you look at if from our perspective. Crime will skyrocket as hungry people and drug addicts mug, rob, and burgle homes and neighborhoods in a new and burgeoning crime wave. That will give us justification for passing more invasive, even inhumane law enforcement measures so we can field test some of our new technology that's more ruthless than tasers.

That will give our Ostopo (formerly Gestapo, named after George) and military forces valuable practice in preparation for the martial law we'll need to control crowds and insurgents while we implement the new North American Union merger next year and launch our new sound money system we're so proud of, the Amero.

We'll be moving with our families underground to our "continuity of government" bunker city where we'll have all the modern and futuristic comforts and live in total security, free from all your bloody faxes, phone calls and emails. You simpletons still think we're here because you voted us here, but we've been controlling the vote tallies electronically for many years. As long as you just THINK you can throw us out, we haven't a care in the world. We'll keep our pay and benefits elevated, and will increase them to allow for the inflation we're heaping on all of you.

Meanwhile, please keep watching our propaganda on regular and cable television, and check in on C-SPAN from time to time to see our show designed to make you think there are two opposing teams here looking out for you. Ha. If you only knew.