"sometimes i feel like an idiot but i am an idiot so it kinda works out" - billy madison

Thursday, January 11, 2007

(not) good enough

id like to think im familiar with the jewish culture. i may not know the religious stories behind each holiday but id like to think i understand the people. understand why they feel about certain things, why they have that "snobby attitude" (although that may be just a new york thing as opposed to a jew thing). i also know jews love other jews. even when they say they dont, you know deep down theyre ultimate goal is to end up with one. if its not their goal, well then you know fo sho its their mothers.

jewish mothers are a passionate breed. they love their children so much and only want whats best for them. whats best for them is what shes got planned for them and numero uno on that list is a marriage to a fellow jew. ive seen the wrath of one mother and although it is pretty entertaining to watch as an outsider, its not so much fun to be on the receiving end when youre the non-jew trying to pursue her precious jew-jew bean.

ive never been in the storm of a jewish mother although i kinda felt a rain drop last night. nothing was directed straight at me but knowing that the mother was on an active pursuit to find her boy a nice jewish girl kinda stung. ok, it stung bc there is a very possible prospect. her friends friends daughter or some crap saw a pic (of my "boytoy" - the newest nickname for the btj) and showed interest. of course her number was then quickly retrieved and delivered. nyaaaa. i hated how this tiny bit of info made me feel. my emotions were split and well, each side just makes me a bad selfish person. nyaaaa. as gayle would say, "dot org."

so the one side that really got me going was my competitive side or the girly psycho side. hey, this relationship is pretty much in the air and will (probably) only come down when one of us finds another to settle down with. who wants to be the one left alone. alone alone alone. not me. i hate being the cheese! besides, im a scorpio. we cant just win, we need to be gloriously victorious. cant just leave a guy. must make sure that when we do leave, he is alone. alone alone alone. when we get stung, we sting back tenfold. so-AH-ry. im a woman and a scorpio. double trouble. eeeeeeeeeevil woman.

the other side of me was the egomaniacal side aka the man-y side. i heard this from a man (actually the btj) and well, the saying pretty much nailed how i felt: "doesnt matter how many there were/are as long as im the best." girls think similarly except we dont care about being the best as long as we're the one. that special someone. we like feeling irreplacable (to the left to the left). obviously hearing about this loud mouthed ho (told you this info made me an angry eeeeeeevil woman) threw that irreplacable feeling right out the window, plummeting down a million stories. this side though, didnt turn me into an angry beast but questioned my self-esteem, my confidence, the thing ive worked so hard on building up. this is when i felt like tom.

sure jillers relationship with tom ended after two years and i know it wasnt bc of her "gotta marry a jew" influencing mother but man, mrs g didnt make it very easy on tom or jiller about the whole non-jew sitch. jews dont just make a person feel different but almost lesser than (snobby snobby attitude). not good enough. thats like one of the crappiest feelings ever. i hate hate hated that i felt like that, even it was only for a split second.

i dont wanna marry this guy. i dont wanna get married for another few/couple of years. but i dont like being not liked. yeah, i can be cold (my mothers words) but that doesnt mean i dont wanna be liked. i guess this spooked me out bc it made me look at my future and who i wanna end up with. my parents always said you dont just marry a person but his whole family. i know for a fact i do NOT want to marry a korean. not just bc im not attracted to asian men but bc i know their families are apeshit crazy. my fam is pure lunacy and we're on the more "normal" side of korean. do you know where wife beaters originated? k.o.r.e.a. enough said. besides, i wanna have beautiful mixed children and i cant produce those if i marry an asian man.

i guess i have to come to terms with the fact that when i do get into a real relationship, there is a very big chance my mans fam will not welcome me with open arms. maybe this is fate. its fates way of telling me to be stronger. love me for me and be strong about it. ive got to be prepared for when i go into battle. build up my confidence ammunition.

special mention:cassie: i think le join is mad at me.jamie: im mad at you bc i dont see a spot.our daily parking chant call