Geek Gear: 5 everyday tools that should be video game weapons

Wielding a tool as a weapon in a video game isn’t quite as common as it probably should be. You’ve got the maddeningly overpowered nailgun from Quake and Gordon Freeman’s trusty crowbar, but there really aren’t a ton of other examples. As it turns out, the real world has no shortage of tools that would easily double as weapons in the event of a zombie apocalypse or any alien invasion.

Take a look at our gallery above for a look at the five tools that should find their way into video games, or read on below for more more explanation.

The massively oversized adjustable wrench

The crowbar is an effective video game weapon because it is fast, relatively light, and extremely dangerous. It may not seem like it when it takes ten hits to bring down the bad guy, but you’re really wielding something lethal (just ask anyone who has gone toe-to-toe with Gordon). There’s another way to solve this problem, and while it may not be the best solution for smaller characters, the large muscular member of the group will undoubtedly look amazing swinging around a Channellock 830 adjustable wrench.

This 30-inch, 12-pound monster is just light enough that you can swing it with one hand, but its 6.6-inch joint width means you can open the jaw up all the way and put face-sized holes in whatever you swing at if you decide to swing with both hands. You’d be hard pressed to find a more destructive, more simple tool for surviving whatever virtual hellscape you have tripped into. Selling for about $270 it’s relatively affordable too, especially given that it will never, ever wear out.

The belt-fed automatic screwdriver

You wouldn’t think of a drill as the go-to weapon for a video game, and that’s because your drill isn’t a $400 monster with an ammo count. Makita’s LXT Cordless Autofeed Screwdriver relies on a plastic belt loaded with large screws to get you from a pile of lumber to a finished deck in a matter of hours. Apply that same power and a healthy supply of screws to counter a horde of demons pouring from a hellmouth and you’ve got a quick and efficient way to get up close and but some bad guys on the ground.

There’s some obvious problems with this kind of video game weapon. You’d have to suspend disbelief long enough to accept that either the drill doesn’t run out of batteries or that you’ll find perfectly charged replacements along the way. Ammo is another concern, unless your character spends his downtime loading plastic belts with boxes of screws instead of sleeping or doing literally anything else. As a temporary panic weapon, though, it’d be hard not to amuse yourself by running through a hardware store and picking one of these up to defend yourself.

The chainsaw-on-a-stick

If medieval combat has taught us anything, it’s that polearms are a great resource for stopping a couple of bad guys at a distance instead of letting them get up close to take a swing at you. If zombie have taught us anything, it’s that chainsaws should be a part of everything you do. So, why not combine the two and use a souped up pole pruner for that perfect ranged chainsaw?

Pole pruners give people the ability to trim trees from the ground by putting the chainsaw on a long pole with the controls for the tool at the other end of the stick. These are highly effective for reaching tall things with a chainsaw, so it only makes sense that it would work if you were pointing at someone on the ground. Like any other chainsaw, it’s provide ample stopping power for any slow moving bad guys. This way, however, you’d be able to keep them at a distance.

The .27 caliber power hammer

Sometimes you need something that is a guaranteed one hit kill, even if that means relying on a weapon that you’ll have to reload every time you pull the trigger. Since most tools aren’t actually made with considerations toward its use in a combat situation, that applies broadly to today’s impact-style tools. If you need something portable that will deliver some serious stopping power, the .27 caliber power hammer looks like the ideal video game last resort.

While several models of .27 power hammers have the ability to feed a small strip of these chubby nails in, this is the kind of thing you’d keep around when you’ve run out of anything else in your arsenal. Using this in a game would require you being way too close for comfort with whatever you are fighting, but that also puts you in the right position to find the squishy bits and pull the trigger.

Portable welders torch

You see great big torches used all of the time in movies, but for some reason they never make their way into video games — gamers only get flamethrowers. Welding torches have all of the making of the perfect video game weapon: they are quieter than a gun, incredibly hazardous, and if the enemy gets a clear shot they can send you to the respawn area before you know what happened. They could be good for a quick distraction, but equally good for disabling an enemy and lighting them on fire at the same time.

Video game welders torch could be backpack slung, and their effectiveness in combat would be equalized by the danger of you a) exploding after being hit on the back or b) you shooting a harmless stream of oxygen and acetylene at your enemies after forgetting to ignite your torch.