I'm a sufferer of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) which originates from my childhood (physically abusive Father, passive Mother etc). It kicked in about 4 years ago after a visit to the UK following my Father's death. Have sought help from psychiatrists and a range of psychologists but seemingly, to no real avail. I say this because recently, at work, I found myself in a very stressful situation and the PTSD triggered. That was a couple of weeks ago now and I've been in a living hell with this thing. The stressful situation at work is continuing and will do so for a while I think but I'm taking action by cutting down on the number of days at work (to 3). However, after all that intro (sorry) I come to the reason why I'm here. I'm having persistent suicidal thoughts where I imagine how peaceful my life would be after death - its almost meditative, calming and restful (especially at night when I can't get to sleep). In the fantasy I imagine overdosing so that I fall asleep without feeling anything then the peace sweeps over me and I feel a sense of calm. The thing is, in the scheme of meditative techniques I'm sure this isn't encouraged and would be considered to be unhealthy. I can't say I'd do it but there you have it. Does anyone else experience this?

Hi and welcome...I have used su ideation in the past to know that my pain is controllable...if nothing else, there was a way out...as I have become more effective in handling things, the use of this is much less...I too am a survivor and know how costly PTSD, double depression, etc. is to one's life...paying a huge price for something we did not deserve!!! never sounds fair!!! hope you get through this quickly, and know that these feelings go in cycles...wishing you a speedy rebound...big hugs, J

i have had a similiar, in part, ideation. mine involves initial pain - followed by peace and lack of pain. freedom, from pain.

the initial pain is in the death itself. and not only physical. i think there is psychic pain in all deaths - because we are 'built and designed' to fight for survival.

that being said. the urges are rare for me...i consider myself lucky. and i have never acted on one - but - i do understand the desire to just '''let go'''.

however, i do think there is a greater value in staying alive - greater purposes to fulfill - people to love along the way. all love is possible - but all love ceases, in my humble opinion - after death. we would be loved by those left behind - but we ourselves - lose the ability to love when our breath ceases. love is not passive but active - and we cannot act - while dead.
death is forever. my opinion, only.

to stay - and try to sort things out - to try and overcome - brings the constant hope of renewal. of better days.

i hope you find support here - pm me if you want to talk . i hoe you hang on - and we are here so please lean on us until these waves pass.
xxx :console: