Archive for May, 2016

The much-anticipated duet between Elton John and Vladimir Putin will have to be put on hold, Russian officials said today.

The portly popstar and the Russian president were due to record a version of ‘Don’t go breaking my heart’ during Sir Elton’s visit to Russia next month, but “have had to postpone due to scheduling conflicts.”

The song – which Sir Elton originally recorded with Kiki Dee in 1976 – was going to be released by both men as “a joint

The Queen surprised both houses of Parliament today when, instead of giving a dreary speech announcing a plethora of boring administrative government acts, she spontaneously burst into song.

After arriving and meeting the assembly with all the usual pomp and ceremony, Her Majesty stood up, ripped in half the speech that David Cameron had sat up all night writing for her, and performed a 90 minute concert of songs by hit 60s TV band, the Monkees.

Similarly C3PO successfully masked the fact that George Lucas offered a bounty for the decapitated head of Bill Clinton

It was revealed today that disturbed Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has created an insane android butler, in an attempt to distract voters from noticing how batshit-mental he is himself.

The butlerbot, named Anthony Senecal, has already begun performing its function, calling for President Obama to be killed and strung up outside the White House, for all newborn Asian-Americans to be strapped to rockets and fired into the heart of the sun, and for frogs to be given driving licenses.

The Duke of Edinburgh has apologised on behalf of Her Majesty the Queen today, after footage of her making inappropriate remarks about the Chinese went public.

Elizabeth II was filmed saying to a senior police officer at a garden party “Fackin’ chinkies, always causin’ argy bargy ain’t they? Had some of them rude slitty-eyed midgets up the palace; right bunch of arse’oles they were an’ all.