Friday, April 16, 2010

Evidently, Breaking Up Isn't So Hard To Do !

It's the day after Tax Day, the day we all cursed liked Joe Biden. I hope no one forgot to set their bank accounts back $10,000. President Obozo turned in his tax return yesterday. He didn’t owe a lot because he has a lot of dependents: his wife, two daughters, AIG, General Motors and Goldman Sachs.

Split-ups seem to be in the news lately and I don't know if it's in the water or just a bug going around. One thing for sure, lawyers are licking their lips in anticipation of screwing their clients for the screwing their clients got.

Larry King and his wife, Shawn, have both filed for divorce. King is in the doghouse after explosive allegations surfaced that he bedded the younger sister of his wife of 13 years, but I think he probably just didn’t have on his glasses. King, 76, filed for divorce from his seventh wife, Shawn, 50, in a Los Angeles court yesterday. It's the suspenders-wearing old troll's eighth trip to splitsville, as he divorced one of his wives twice. King requested joint custody of his two sons and it won’t be easy because they’re pretty comfortable in their retirement home.

Meanwhile back at the golf course, Elan Nordegren, Tiger Woods' wife, is reported to have left her home even before Tiger got home from the Masters Golf Tournament. Elan was reportedly outraged with Nike's new Tiger Woods commercial referring to it as "cheesy".

As for Jesse James, the overly-tattooed neanderthal that is married to Sandra Bullock, word has it that a fifth whore ("Ho" for the hard of understanding) has come out of the woodwork claiming to have had an affair. James' first affair was with Michelle "Bombshell" McGee (right), a grossly tattooed bimbo who looks like she be a perfect mate for Jesse James.

The News As I See It:Yesterday was the deadline for mailing in your Census form. People all around the country put down how many people live in their houses. Tiger Woods and Jesse James put "kind of a tricky situation right now." The government wants us to count how many people live in our home, and then to calculate how much money we owe them. A man actually got confused and sent a check to the census and a member of his household to the IRS. He sent a message to her saying, "Sorry Grandma, we’ll get you back."

It's fitting that April 14 was National Pecan Day because on that day, we recognize nuts. And on April 15, we payed our taxes to support them. A pecan tree can live for 300 years and when they’re old and gnarled, they can still bear fruit. They’re like the tree world’s Larry King.

At a recent tea party rally in Boston, Sarah Palin praised the crowd for winning that Senate race in Massachusetts. She said, "Shoot, look at what you did in January, you shook up the United States Senate." Unfortunately, no one heard the Senate thing because after she said "shoot," three hundred guns went off.President Obozo is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course, it’s $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on.Yahoo is producing a daily video series based on its most popular news stories, in partnership with Toyota. Of course, they’re having a tough time getting the site up because it always ends up crashing.

This Date In History:1746; The Jacobite uprising in England ends when Charles "Bonnie Prince Charlie" Stuart is defeated by the Duke of Cumberland. 1912; Harriet Quimby became the first woman to fly across the English Channel. 1917; Lenin returned to Russia after 10 years in exile in Switzerland.1947; Financier Bernard Baruch coined the term “cold war” in a speech in South Carolina. 1947; Most of Texas City, Texas, destroyed when French ship Grandcamp exploded. 1972; China sent President Nixon two giant pandas as a gift. 1999; Hockey great Wayne Gretzky announced his retirement.2007; A male student, Cho Seung-Hui, killed two in a Virginia Tech dorm, then killed 30 more 2 hours later in a classroom building. His suicide brought the death toll to 33, making the shooting rampage the most deadly in U.S. history. Fifteen others were wounded.

Picture Of The Day: The photoshop artists are working overtime to keep up with all the scandals and rumors that seem to be in the headlines almost every day. Naturally, I love it because it affords me the opportunity to post some cool graphics along with my stories. As long as idiots continue to step on their own stupid feet, I'll have a flood of pictures for Jimmy's Journal.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Is there a lawyer is the house (BOOM! ...click) Any more? 2) Money talks - mine says goodbye! 3) The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. 4) It pays to remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours. 5) A bend in the road isn't the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn.....and that's five !

Birthdays:It's a special birthday for someone in my life. Happy birthday to My Perfect Martini. May the day treat you as well as the precious moments treat me when we are together. Besito, mi amor. My pal, Gipsy has a birthday today. Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Wilbur Wright, airplane inventor 1867, John Millington Synge, dramatist 1871, Charlie Chaplin (Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin), English film actor, director, producer, writer, and composer 1889, Merce Cunningham, choreographer 1919, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, basketball player 1947, Selena Quintanilla Perez, singer 1971.The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'The two sat sipping in silence."A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land." Now, President Barack Hussein Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor. As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Hey buddy, I think your girl friend has gone home."

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o' my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that I joined that Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking. It hasn't affected my brothers though!"Freebies: M&M’s has a professional Facebook page. Click the link in this paragraph to receive free M&M’s pretzel candies. You can also send a free sample to any two Facebook friends, as well.

That's it for today my little chili dogs. Remember to take your medications before posting to the Internet. It's the day after TAX Day and a pretty good reason to go to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.Stay Tuned !

My Brother Kirt, Dog Beanie And Myself

Band Practice back in the day

About AREA 51

AREA 51 began as a location in a local watering hole where my friends and I would always sit. Soon thereafter, people began stopping by and asking me why the area was always full and so popular. I would tell them that we were the descendants of the UFO crash at Roswell, New Mexico and that we always sat together. My friends then had an AREA 51 sign made and placed it over the barstool where I always sat. Since that day years ago, there was always anAREA 51.

It has since been transformed to described my current watering hole. Since joining AOL Journals in December of 2006, I began adding honorary members to theAREA 51 menagerie.AREA 51 is a state of mind and not always a location. The majority of the members have escaped from a home and are constantly looking over their shoulders. They are intelligent, fun loving and enjoy life to its fullest.