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Late Laughs for the week of January 20 - 26, 2019

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

A student at a Florida high school found a rat in a vending machine. And when she saw the only food left in the machine were Terra Chips, she's like, "I'll take the rat."

A family in California is looking for their son's teddy bear after it floated away in a cluster of balloons. Then Pixar said, "Sold!"

After a Florida woman was caught with cocaine in her purse, she told police a gust of wind must've blown it in there. The officer was furious, until a gust of wind blew a joint into his mouth and he totally relaxed.

A 112-year-old man in Japan was just named the world's oldest man. He's very happy, and says he'll remember this moment for the rest of his week.

I read about a man who was bitten by a shark, a bear and a rattlesnake in less than four years and survived. The man thanks God he's still alive, while God said, "What do I have to do to nail this guy?"

A group of scientists in Singapore built a robot that can put together Ikea furniture. That's when you know something's wrong -- when it's easier to build a robot than an Ikea dresser.

Krispy Kreme is teaming up with Chips Ahoy, Nutter Butter and Oreo to make new cookie doughnuts. Then the president was like, "I told you I'd make America great again!"

I heard Michael Cohen's decision to co-operate with Robert Mueller could put Donald Trump Jr. in serious legal trouble. You can tell Don Jr.'s worried, because today he tried to enlist in the Space Force.

Well, is everyone enjoying the holiday season in New York City? There's nothing like seeing Santa with a bell in one hand and a vape pen in the other.

Last week we heard about Michael Cohen flipping on Trump. Now it's Michael Flynn. Today, Trump was like, "That's it -- deport everyone named Michael!"

On Saturday, thousands of people will dress up like Santa for a bar crawl in New York City. Then it all ends Sunday morning, with the year's most festive walk of shame.

All over New York, people will be drinking and partying dressed like Santa. Or, as Jesus put it, "NOT how I pictured people celebrating my birthday."

To stop people from drinking on the trains, New Jersey Transit has decided to ban all liquids. Then hundreds of drunken Santas said, "Jell-O shots it is!"

I heard that tomorrow, President Trump is going to the Army-Navy football game. But it'll get awkward when Trump starts chanting, "Here we go, Space Force, here we go!"

Ikea just announced that they're cutting 7,500 jobs. Ikea workers weren't happy. They were like, "This is furgen bollsharf!"

Trump is down in Argentina for the G20 Summit, where he's been met by lots of protesters. But Trump's not worried -- he said, "It's the southern hemisphere, so when people boo, it actually means the opposite."

Yesterday, President Trump returned home from the G20 Summit in Argentina. And just to mess with him, his staffers trashed the Oval Office and told him there was an FBI raid.

At the summit, all the leaders signed a joint statement pledging to fight climate change, except for Trump. But they have a plan to get Trump to sign it: they're telling him it's a Christmas card for Putin.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A man who turned 101 this week gained media attention after he credited his longevity to drinking one Coors Light every day at 4 p.m. for the past 15 years. So there you go: the secret to longevity is to lay off the Coors Light until you're 86.

A woman had to be removed from a flight from Scotland to London yesterday after attempting to sneak an "emotional support" cat onto the plane. Fortunately, when the woman broke down in tears, the cat was there to not care at all.

Yale University has announced it will install a new 24-7 emergency contraceptive vending machine on campus. Said Harvard students, "Wasn't Yale already Plan B?"

MTV is reportedly working on a reboot of its animated show "Celebrity Deathmatch," where Claymation recreations of famous people fight each other. And if you're curious what a clay version of Ted Cruz looks like -- about the same.

A 75-year-old New Jersey man has been arrested on suspicion of running a prostitution ring out of a nursing home. He's the first pimp in history who actually needs to use the cane.

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

SpaceX launched a rocket into orbit carrying the cremated remains of 100 people. Unfortunately, they weren't cremated when it launched.

Trump also announced that his attorney general nominee will be William Barr, who served as attorney general from 1991 to 1993. A reboot of someone with the last name Barr who was big in the early '90s? What could go wrong?

An eight-year-old in Pennsylvania has become a barber and now gives free haircuts to kids in the neighborhood. And guess what? They suck!

Pennsylvania police arrested a one-armed woman who was trying to rob a bank. Police say the hardest part was figuring out how to handcuff her.

Researchers in Hong Kong are reporting the first-ever case of a human contracting rat hepatitis. Worse, now that guy has to call and inform every rat he's ever slept with.

An a cappella group at Princeton University has stopped performing the song "Kiss the Girl" from "The Little Mermaid" after the student newspaper said the lyrics promote "toxic masculinity." Also, it just sucks to hear a bunch of white guys sing like a Jamaican crab.

A new version of bullfighting has started in China, in which participants use their hands instead of swords. That's how many extra people they have.