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Saturday, 6 September 2014

Beard Talk

I will begin this manly post with swearing. Here goes – I swear that any resemblance between the items of this post and your brothers, boyfriends, blogger-throbs, sons, husbands and fathers-in-law is a matter of pure coincidence. I am pinching the skin of my Adam’s Apple and saying this. Swear! No fingers or toes are crossed as I say this and what is, remains none of your business.

I also promise you this post has not been written for a shaving contest with a year’s supply of pretty blue ladies razors up for grabs, even though I need one so badly my son has been mixing up my legs for my husband’s. Like it matters! Horses all kinds are meant to have hair all over. I’m only keeping it very real for my child’s favourite four-legged activity.

This post, macrocosmically, is a confession of the handful of regrets I have. Microcosmically, they are all to do with me commenting virally on the various kinds of beards I see walking-talking around me and how! Just imagine yourself a priest with me in the confession box and read. Also, I have made peace with the ‘Woman, you have sinned’ in my life so keep it to yourself and “listen” in silence. You see, I had to drink half a glass of Horlicks to feel encouraged to do this, especially since I’m not a regrets-on-the-table kind of person even though I am often quite a regrettable companion .

Like when I couldn’t resist asking my best friend’s brand new husband why he sports a week-long stubble every time we get together for a formal party. If only I had asked him just that on his house warming do. But no. How could I? ‘When you get your house whitewashed next time you don’t need sandpaper to scrub the floor.’ My husband, oh that clean shaven man God bless him, had choked, coughed, caught my thigh under the table and squeezed it. Our secret signal for when my sense of humour is lance-shaped. We met for my friend’s birthday at a swanky restaurant where he gifted her a pug in pink ribbons. All seemed to be going well with the mike being passed around and barks and blessings being tuned out when ‘Happy birthday, Sheena. Oh, you won’t need a brush to make your dog’s coat shiny and flea-free. You married one!’ said my mouth, half full of apple custard. I wasn’t drunk. Four vodkas with lime make you honest, not drunk (Do try it at home.) Of course I went home soon after, but with the greatest doubt playing aloud – does she wear gloves before doing paari to him?

Did I ask her boyfriend this the next time we met? Of course!

A very cute boy in college had my full attention, till he started growing hair on his chin. No beard no moustache. It spread like a coir door mat covering what didn’t anyway seem a strong point of his features. Just his chin. In a few weeks, there was a forest there. I always wondered what shape the hair was in – Oval? Circle? Star? – Till he took a proud selfie with his chin raised and I realized it was shaped like algae and looked it too. Anyway, his door mat went wherever he did and I was certain I saw the guitar on his back green with jealousy in Chandni Chowk, wondering how come guitars were no longer the sole cynosures for 20-somethings. 'Did you kiss the ground Anil Kapoor walked on? His assets are stuck on your chin!’ The face he made I thought no human could. But then again, anything is possible with golgappe in the mouth. By Diwali we had made up. His mom sent gajar ka halwa for us poor hostellers. ‘Happy Diwali, Jiggs. You peeled the carrots well. Hope your mum didn’t take those nods as a yes for marriage.’

Obviously, I said it after I had eaten up the halwa. It was yum!

The most sinfully fascinating of all is that tiny beard (beard?) middle aged men have taken a liking to. Irrespective of the shape of the face, or any shape at all, so many are seen sporting an inverted triangle right under their lower lip, the most unloved place. An attempt to look kewl dewd? Younger? Nostalgia for college? While I was still trying to solve the mystery, one mister I had to encounter. Had to. Across a meal table. First I thought it was a bit of dal makhni stuck. After much staring in the direction of his lips, I realized it was follicular growth. That’s all it took to make me imagine him shaving in front of his mirror – razor in one hand, magnifying glass in the other, chin out-stretched with the combined efforts of teeth and tongue, and Van Gogh’s artistry. ‘You a fan of Shakespeare, sir?’ I had blurted before stuffing my mouth with biryani and hoping the “imperial” bone didn’t go the wrong way down his throat. It didn’t. The talk veered to the favourite topic between just-met friends – the GoI - and between sips of Coke and high on camaraderie I pointed towards him and said – ‘You could be a mascot for the government's Family Planning Scheme. Just paint the inverted triangle red.’

Needless to say, I blamed it on the caffeine. Needless to mention he will never lunch with me again.

I regret to have said all this and then to have repeated it here. So to whomsoever it is due, here's a heart-felt apology.

But then, Humanity is bound in the sameness of being. PlatoNeitzscheDecartes Anonymous said so. I am sure you too must have had the same beard thoughts. No? Very similar thoughts? Come on! Are you saying you have never noticed how the biggest most well-maintained mooches grow beneath shiny clean pates? The Gods work in crazy ways and the human body in crazier. ‘We can have hair!’ the foot-long monsters seem to be symbolising.

Wait, let me go write about it in another post.

And regret it all in yet another!

[Written for WordPress Daily Prompts : 365 Writing Prompts. The prompt for today was - Regrets, I’ve had a few - What’s your biggest regret? How would your life have been different if you’d made another decision?]

Funny one! I kept thinking of Anil Kapoor while reading this though. Not sure why...The poor man has never had a beard as far as I can remember. But yes, the cleanest shave he has ever had is the one which looked like a two day stubble. How would AB Senior look with a red beard? Promoting Family Planning through his family show called KBC?

You can't talk about hair and not think of Anil Kapoor. You can't write about it and not mention him. It's just what we have grown up seeing, for generations now. :DThanks, Rickie. AB Sr. with his red frenchie would be more like promoting secularism. There are a lot of colours on his face from the top of his head to the bottom of his face.Unity in diversity and all such. :DThanks for reading!

The clean shaven era of Khans is over. The youngsters like Aditya Roy Kapoor, Arjun Kapoor etc love their stubble. So does my son. And thanks to him I now know what a Goatee or a Beanie is! A cheeky post. The golgappas, the halwa and the biryaani will stay with me for some time .:)

I agree. Stubble is in, even in office. Very difficult to marry this reality with my upbringing. Even though my own brother broke free from it, I'm still stuck there like milk gets stuck in the mooch.Oh, I now realise I had mentioned some of my favourite dishes too. Will try having them over the weekend.Thanks for reading, Alka. Couldn't have written a post on the beards around without dragging the 'cheek' in. :D

I envy men, they can make or break relationships just by using the razor or not! We women don't have it so easy. Anil Kapoor, hell yeah, the guy's hair growth could give a school room full of baldies enough raw material for hair transplants.

Trivia alert : Did you know Bacchan Sr. is bald? He wears a wig. I just learnt it a few days ago.

I am not very happy when men (especially good looking ones according to me) are clean shaven. I like little stubble in a man. I have ordered my husband to shave a day before we go for a party or function or meet our friends. When we sit together i have this habit of caressing his cheek and I need stubble there :-DBut this post is real laugh riot. :-D

But why would a woman want the dashing looks 'hidden' under a grassland? No, no. I would like it all clear, the view.I like the word 'need' that you use and how. I am sure he loves keeping it because I can see how much his wife loves caressing it. :DGlad you liked this, Bhavana. Good to see you here!

Yeah Really? I notice that you very carefully avoid disclaiming your intentions of not maintaining resemblance between your post and the reader himself :) Mush, Beard and Bald Pate - all present and correct :) You need to pay me royalty :)

That was a hairy mood-lifter!After a few decades with only a moustache, a friend of mine started modifying his 'beard style' every couple of months. When somebody asked him why, he replied, "Now, people comment on my beard or lack of it. They've stopped commenting on my always-receding hairline!"

THAT is precisely why I grew a beard :) When in Delhi, my ofc security used to say "Woh ganje?" in response to any visitor who came asking for me. After growing the beard, it became "Woh Dhadiwale" - the latter seemed better to me :) (Also, of course, I really needed to know if hair WOULD grow somewhere :) )

I have probably tried each of those beard styles you mentioned (read: made fun of) in my college days!Finally, settled with a French Cut and till now, I would proudly say that almost every girl I know has told me I looked better with it than being clean shaven! But, now I feel they just meant my natural self isn't smart enough so I must have some accessory!! ;)Thanks for telling me the truth and ruining my longest running fantasy !!! ;) ;)

The girls are right. What else can I say? Though, I quite like your inference from that feedback, Prateek. You seem like a smart man. :D No, no. By no means should you take me seriously. I have a husband who will shave every morning and on evenings too when we have to go out partying and I have no beard myself so really speaking I am quite inexperienced. :P

Ha ha! What can I say, I don't get many compliments so I hang on to the ones I get and draw long lasting inferences! :D Btw, this post has some long lasting one liners and analogies! Sand paper, dog coat brush, peeled carrots, family planning, and the best of all, Anil Kapoor's assets, Ouch!

Well, if you look away in your DP compliments will be hard to come by. :D Long lasting is a lovely word to hear for a post as mindless as this one. You have encouraged me, greatly, to keep this nonsense up. THANK YOU, Prateek.

I have never liked the beard, maybe a stubble for that rugged look.. hell no, i don't think i like them one bit. glad I read this one, it made me laugh my head out at all those weird beards I have come across till now. It also reminded me of what we would call our friends and classmates who had shaved for the first time and would be rather conscious of how they looked - chicken without feathers :P

Let's shake hands, Seeta! The psychology behind the weird beards would be so interesting to read. :D Ha ha! I remember that chicken-without-feathers from school too. Some things sound so much funnier in Hindi. :D

Now that one makes me proud of my BEARD and the MOOOCH .. Hope you came over to see me in all glory on my blog ha ha ha ha ha

but oops shud not have mentioned you dont like that :(

I have experimented with everything now , clean shaven with hair on head , and clean shaven from both , gone bald without beard , with , everything .. had a designer cut too .. paid too much money for that :)

Although i must say most of the women I have in my life like the beard and not the clean shaven look .. Maybe I need to meet MORE women then he he he he he :)

I do come to your blog. This time I will especially come to look at you and your facial hair. I want to see the 'designer cut' pictures. Was this when you were the security guard? To scare people away? ;)Thanks for reading,Bikram.

I have always had a strong aversion for beards except on the remarkably few on whom it seems to suit ..say Kabir Bedi ! Thankfully dear husband doesn't sport a beard.. he did experiment once and he had started looking liking gold-smuggler-Mr.Pinto.

Oo la la! Kabir Bedi. If I had thought of him before writing this post I wouldn't have written anything at all. :D Your dear husband still sounds brave to experiment. Mine shaves everyday as if it's the most important thing in his life. :P