dyson

MALMSBURY, UNITED KINGDOM — Dyson released a statement today advising businesses, airports and other public establishments to stop using its “facial moisturizers” as hand dryers. The devices in question feature a sleek grey design, a contoured opening in the middle and the label “dyson airblade” on the front of the device.

We questioned Dyson on how its “facial moisturizers” could be so badly mistaken for hand dryers. After all, these devices are ubiquitous in public restrooms everywhere, instruct users to move their hands in and out of the device and even state they are “The fastest, most hygienic hand dryers.”

A Dyson spokesperson replied, “It was a labeling error at the factory. These devices are clearly supposed to be used as facial moisturizers. You know this because any time water goes in the opening it splashes back into your face.”

Her voice then took a cocky, defiant tone as she stated, “Go ahead, try putting your wet hands in there. I mean, this couldn’t possibly be a hand dryer — your hands would keep touching the sides as you move them in and out. And do you know how many people don’t thoroughly wash their hands after using the potty? It’s extremely unhygienic. And disgusting.”

She made a good point. After trying the dryer, er, “facial moisturizer” myself, I found it hard not to touch the sides. In addition, the 400 mph air flowing from the device spewed water everywhere.

The spokesperson then clarified how the device was supposed to be used:

Step 1: Cup your hands under the sink to collect as much water in your hands as possible

Step 2: Dump the water into the opening of the device

Step 3: Hold your face over the device as it spews water into your face

Step 4: Ignore startled or alarmed onlookers

After following these four easy steps, the spokesperson stated that you would experience a spa-like — albeit, violent — mist that would amply and severely moisturize your face. She claimed she did this all the time. On a separate note, she mentioned she could not figure out why she was constantly contracting Giardia.