A probably fake, albeit hilarious new report has emerged that Harry Styles dumped Taylor Swift because she's "asexual" and "constantly talked about antiques." A rather Regina George-y sounding friend of Taylor's says that America's Unicorn Sweetheart doesn't realize that she's constantly being dumped because she's a "prude" who "doesn't put out."

"While it was clear she obviously had a thing for Harry, Taylor didn't want to put out as often as he would've liked. Harry is a young boy, with ladies throwing themselves at him and has had a string of relationships with older women. It's no secret he's sexually active and is enjoying his fame at the moment. But Taylor just wasn't up for it as much as he is. They were sexually incompatible."

I love your bracelet, where did you get it?!

The source adds that a clean and wholesome reputation is very important to Taylor, and Harry found her "a little sexually uninterested" for his taste: "Harry wants to go out to fancy bars and clubs and enjoy being young – but Taylor's more of a homebody and all she would talk about was antiques!"

Dude, hang out on the futon, watch a marathon of Antiques Roadshow and once those circa-1780 German silvered repousse candlesticks really get her going, make your move. Problem solved. [Radar Online]

Last year, Kelly Osbourne was discussing being fat-shamed in an interview and, rather surprisingly, asserted that Lady Gaga's fans were "the worst" ("They've said I should kill myself, that they hope I get raped"). She added that Gaga had a responsibility to try to "stop" the Little Monsters' negative behavior.

Yesterday, Gaga responded to Osbourne's beef with an open letter on her Little Monsters website, which you can read in full here. An excerpt:

I have empathy for you Kelly, but I feel it culturally important to note that you have chosen a less compassionate path. Your work on E! with the Fashion Police is rooted in criticism, judgment, and rating people's beauty against one another. "Appearance" is the most used reason for bullying in the world. Your show breeds negativity, and over the years has even become comedic in nature. It glorifies you and Joan Rivers pointing in the camera, laughing, and making jokes about artists and celebrities as if we are zoo animals.

Mama bear Sharon Osbourne has joined the fracas by penning her own open letter in response to Gaga's open letter (don't these people have managers? cell phones? direct messaging?). Full text here:

You say her work on E! with the Fashion Police is "rooted in criticism, judgment, and rating people's beauty against one another." Welcome to the real world. Example, when I saw you wear a dress made out of raw meat, I was sickened. When I see you wearing fur, and using it as a fashion statement, the fact that defenseless animals have been killed so you can get your picture in the press is abhorrent to me. Shouldn't you be teaching your "little monster" fans to respect animals and life? I don't feel I have to justify Kelly's choices in life to you. By your actions to Kelly right now, you have shown me that you are nothing more than a publicly seeking hypocrite and an attention seeker.

She adds that Gaga's "love for humanity" obviously isn't translating well to her fans, as they've also been particularly nasty to Madonna, Adele and Rihanna. You're a bully! No, you're a bully! No, you're a bully! Just a nice little circle jerk there. You're welcome. [MTV News]

If you, like I, are a subscriber to Gwyneth Paltrow's newsletter/oeuvre GOOP, you snarfed yesterday when you read: "Happy 2013! I am not on a detox. I am not on a diet. I know, New Year's cleansing and all that. Not this year. Can't do it. Maybe later in the year. Maybe in the spring. So for now, I would like to continue with my pasta and cheese, but perhaps be more mindful of ingredients."

This winter she's letting herself have ALL the seaweed wraps that she wants. Ooooh, Gwyneth, you so baaaaad! [OK! Magazine]

In the same GOOP, she shared a photo of her, Apple and Moses on vacation. [Marie Claire UK]

In GQ's profile of Beyonce, writer Amy Wallace observes that Queen Bey has an office suite in Manhattan that is filled with:

"virtually every existing photograph of her, starting with the very first frames taken of Destiny's Child, the '90s girl group she once fronted; every interview she's ever done; every video of every show she's ever performed; every diary entry she's ever recorded while looking into the unblinking eye of her laptop."

Demi Lovato has been staying at a sober-living facility for about a year now. Good for her! (Not sarcasm!) [TMZ]

Lindsay Lohan admitted that The New York Times piece about her spectacular career hara-kiri is basically correct. [TMZ]

A woman named Seraphim Ward got on Marilyn Manson's bad side by falsely claiming he proposed to her last year. [TMZ]

Georgia May Jagger is the new face of H&M, succeeding Lana Del Rey, who is busy elsewhere. [Daily Mail]

Here is Adele and baby (wrapped in a blanket as tightly as a good burrito) being hounded by photographers at LAX. [Contact Music]

Who wants to watch Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag do sex? Someone must, I guess? Says Pratt: "We were offered a couple of million [for a porn movie]. I considered it. Heidi was like, err, no!" [Monsters and Critics]

Anne Hathaway's dress ripped at the Critics Choice Awards but luckily Joseph Gordon Levitt had a pin. He immortalized the incident with a cute selfie with Hathaway on his Facebook page. [Facebook]

Jessica Simpson and her fiancee Eric Johnson spent their Hawaiian New Years fighting about her dad Joe (she's furious at Joe for the divorce and the myriad gay rumors, while Johnson thinks he basically means well). [Radar Online]

Josh Brolin says he lost his virginity at eleven years old to a girl named Gretel. [Radar Online]

William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman almost weren't able to get to the Girls premiere because their limo was hijacked by a Macy-looking impostor who took a joyride around Manhattan. That's the story, anyway. I kind of like to imagine they were just getting some pre-show diner disco fries and lost track of time. [Page Six]

Rick Ross the rapper is being sued by Rick Ross the drug trafficker for jacking his name to build a career from. (Still no word on how Minneapolis Wendy's employee Kevin Noriega feels about not being "the real Noriega.") [Page Six]