Journal entry: “Today is the day my world stopped. I had a miscarriage. My husband and I were “lucky” – we got pregnant right away. Now I just feel empty and sad. Actually the word “sad” does not describe it. “Raw” would be the closest word I could come up with. My emotions, my thoughts and my insides are screaming.”

Devastated. Sad. Lonely. Empty. Mad. Hurt. Guilty. Angry. Confused. Her hormones are raging, her mind is spinning, and she will likely feel many things all at once, nothing at all, and everything in between.

Having a miscarriage sets your world upside down. Rips the carpet out from under you. Smacks you in the face. All at the same time.

The baby. Our baby. My baby! It is all you think about and all you try not to think about.

Time has stopped and this moment, the actual date, time and place of the miscarriage will forever be part of your history; etched in your heart. Time will be referenced, if only by you, as “before the miscarriage” or “after the miscarriage”.

Your body feels empty, your mind feels overwhelmed with thoughts and questions. Your heart feels very, very heavy. Crying and yelling or even the combination of the two, can’t seem to take any of the pain away.

Everyday normal seems far away and previous priorities don’t seem to matter or can even seem trivial at this time. All you can think about is what you lost – your baby. How could life be so cruel? Unfair?

You don’t feel like yourself, only a shell of who you were just moments ago before the miscarriage. This is not my life. It doesn’t feel like you're living but rather watching a movie. And then it hits you again. The feeling that you have had the wind knocked out of you, puts your life at a standstill and brings you back to reality. You realize this is your life. Your body. Your mind. Your feelings. Your baby. And now your miscarriage.

It is normal for your spouse to dwell (you know how we women can be our own worst enemy) on the following: Why me? What did I do to cause it? Did I do anything wrong? What is next? Your friend didn't do anything wrong.

Your spouse could be experiencing these feelings all at one time or all at the same time. The combination of these feelings can be overwhelming. Not to mention the hormones. Remind your spouse to be kind to herself or at least allow you to be kind to her.

Journal entry: “For the time I was pregnant before my miscarriage, I had experienced joy that filled me completely. A time that changed my life. Thinking about the miscarriage, I remember an emptiness that went straight into the core of my being. At work I would find myself going over and over my daily life. Did I eat something not on the pregnancy list, did I walk too long on that beautiful day or was that basket of clothes too heavy? Thoughts of what the baby would look like came flooding into my head on the way home in the car. I felt like I was consumed with what would never be.

As every woman is unique, her situation will be different. Some woman may choose to put their miscarriage behind them sooner and look to the future with hope, while others will take more time to get to that same place to begin healing.

There is no right or wrong answer, amount of time to heal or way to go about it. Allow your spouse the time she needs. Don’t pressure your friend in any preconceived way based on your time line or how you would grieve.

Grieving is a very personal process and should be respected. Letting your spouse know that you are there for her will go a long way.

Journal entry: “I know everyone is trying to help. My husband. My parents. My in-laws. My friends. I appreciate the effort. The words, the thoughts and cards and gifts to cheer me up. The daily phone calls to see how I am feeling. Sometimes talking helps. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes quietness and staring out the window does. Sometimes it doesn’t. This is going to take time.”

Really there are no magic words that you can say to comfort your spouse. She is going through a very difficult time in her life. Let her know that you are there for her. That you want to support her at this time. That you recognize her feelings and you are sorry for the loss of your baby.

Giving her the time she needs to heal is important, as her grief can come and go. Everyday events, specific words, other pregnant women, babies and baby related items can remind your spouse of her loss.

Be patient. Do realize that everyone copes with loss, even the same kind of loss, in different ways. Letting your spouse grieve and mourn in her own way and time is important.

What we found most helpful while we were coping with our loss was having a spouse who:was a great listeneracknowledged our babyacknowledged our feelingssupported ushugged uscried with uswas quiet with us

Journal entry: I know people mean well, but I am not sure they think before they speak. Today 3 friends told me, "don't worry you can get pregnant again". Although I hope this is true, that's not what I wan't to hear right now. How can they just discredit my baby. Don't they see I am grieving? What if I told them, "Too bad your husband died. You can get married again."

Most people when faced with the news of a miscarriage can sympathize in the abstract. But feeling comfortable talking to your spouse about your loss may be difficult for many reasons.

Get over it! Your spouse needs you. Now is the time to think of her. Even if you get it wrong, she will know you meant well, and will appreciate all you do.

People close to your spouse may think it is better not to remind her of the pain of the miscarriage while she is trying to “forget it” or they may not understand the importance of her loss. Actually acknowledging the baby will provide more comfort.

We have tried to put together a list of comments that we heard from well meaning friends and relatives. Just keep in mind that during this sensitive time there are many sentences that once said, do not sound as great as intended and may actually be insensitive and hurtful. Try to think of another type of loss (death of a spouse or grandparent) and how the following sentences would sound relative to that loss, it will help you see if what you are saying is comforting.

Journal entry: I feel a little better today. i can't believe it, I didn't think I would ever start to heal. My friend Laura confessed that she had a miscarriage too. I instantly didn't feel so alone. She told me of a special bracelet that she wanted to lend me; it had helped her. I eagerly accepted through my tears. Good friends make the difference!

You will not be able to take away your spouse’s pain but you might be a bright spot in her day. Having someone to remind your spouse that she is special and that she is cared about goes a long way.

Based on how we felt going through our own miscarriages, here is some advise on what to do or say:

There may be days when your spouse needs to:

-talk specifically about the miscarriage and the baby she lost.-talk about everything but the miscarriage-give her mind a rest from thinking about the miscarriage (sport activities, shopping, movies, book club, gardening)-talk with other women who have experienced the devastation of a miscarriage – sharing is power

Remind your spouse:

-to find her own path to healing (that if she needs to cry in the shower first thing in the morning to make her day a little easier – then do it)-to enjoy time with herself, you or close friends and family-to enjoy time with your other children-not to blame herself for what has happened-that it is OK to have jealous or envious feeling of pregnant women or women with children, she will not always feel like this-that one day - even though her heart will never forget – she will feel better-to have a little hope for the future and think positively-there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Do what she needs to do to feel better.-visit our website – www.OurHopePlace.com

Oh and a great back rub never hurts.

You should feel good about yourself and what you are trying to do for your spouse. We created OurHopePlace.com to be an enabler of hope allowing friends to help their friends feel comfort, understanding, healing and ultimately hope in their time of need. We hope we helped you.

__________________________________________________________________________________Your grieving process may be very different then your spouse who experienced the miscarriage.

-You may find it easier not to show your feelings as you think your emotions will upset your partner even more. (look like you do not care)-You want to stay strong to protect her but really end up feeling alone and isolated in your feelings-You may not know how to express your feelings or what the miscarriage means to you-You may feel guilty that your partner was the one who had to go through the physical miscarriage experience-You may want to talk about the miscarriage but feel that you partner does not want to talk at that time or visa versa-You may want life to get “back to normal” sooner than your partner-Be patient, your spouse will find her way. Be supportive and let her know you love her.-Your feelings are just as important as hers, make sure you find time to talk to each other.

You are diminishing this lost pregnancy, this baby and the hope and dreams already formulated for this baby. (You can always get another husband, grandmother, etc.)

We have other children, we are lucky

Every child is a blessing and if you were trying for another baby, you were hoping for another baby. (You have other grandparents, best friends.)

Good thing the pregnancy ended itself, it was God’s way, it’s for the best, there could have been something wrong with the baby

Although intellectually she may think of this, emotionally she still lost a baby.

You were only a few weeks pregnant, how can you be so upset, you were not attached to baby yet, it was not a full term baby

A few days, weeks or months of being pregnant, many women have already bonded with the baby and have imagined a future for that baby in their mind. It does not matter how long they were pregnant for to be attached to the dream that will now not happen. (You only were married for a few weeks when your husband died – how can you be so upset?)

You have an angel up in heaven

Although this may seem comforting, your spouse would rather have a baby in her arms. (You have your grandmother up in heaven now looking over you instead of on earth enjoying life with you.)

I understand what you are going through

Everyone grieves differently and heals differently

You are young, you can try again.

Every child is a blessing and if you were trying for another baby, you were hoping for another baby. (Sorry your husband died. You are young, you can get remarried.)

I have a friend who had many miscarriages and now has children

Although this may sound comforting at first, your spouse may not be able to see beyond the moment and for her that moment is that she just lost a baby. (I have a friend who lost her husband and is now married again.)

Not acknowledging the baby and her miscarriage as a serious loss

This could make your spouse think that you do not care. (Not letting your spouse know that you are sorry for the loss of her parent, grandparent, etc.)