I Believe That This Crystal Is Deodorant, And That’s Enough

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I have something to tell you if you’re still going around using “normal” deodorant. First of all, seriously? You’re still putting that stuff on your body? Have you heard how sweat pores work? Wow. You just—sorry, I just can’t believe people are still doing that. Maybe if you like self-sabotage and acting in opposition to your own best interests, sure. But otherwise: no.

What’s this, you ask? Why, this is my crystal. I rub it on my armpits and it works like deodorant, except without all the toxicity and negativity that the rest of you apply to your pits every day. My deodorant is natural and life-affirming. It’s also a rock. Deal with it.

Maybe you’re one of those people who wants proof that this crystal works as deodorant. But here’s the thing: I don’t owe you proof. I believe that this crystal is deodorant. And I believe that our beliefs create our reality. Therefore, if I think this crystal works as a deodorant, so it does. All that matters is intention. End of story.

If you don’t like it, just don’t come near me. I don’t need that kind of energy in my life.

So when my coworkers look around and wonder what that smell is, all I know is that it’s for sure not me. Deodorant-wise, I’m covered. I rubbed that crystal on my armpits this morning so all is well. It must be them. Interesting that they’re still getting breakthrough odor even though they jammed all those toxins into their pores to stop it. So I guess deodorant is not only bad for you, it also doesn’t work. Huh.

Still committed to that linen-fresh death bomb?

But I don’t judge. I just know what’s best for me, which is believing that rubbing a crystal into my pits is a form of deodorant. I am doing the correct thing. This thing works. That is enough.

Look, I’m not going to force you, but you should really give this crystal deodorant thing a try sometime. I can even lend you one of my stones. Use it for a week and tell me you haven’t started feeling more energetic and spiritually aware and less smelly.