Sunday, April 29, 2012

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

There's nothing worse than a "sorry I haven't posted in so long" post, but WELP.... The reason is I started a new job where I get to blog about whatever weird crap I find on the internet all day. Which is amazing and really fun for me. So please check out BuzzFeed.com where I'm posting all day long or follow me on Twitter because who actually still posts blogspots anymore? Sighsies.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Recently I was taking the subway home on a Friday night - about 8:30pm - and saw these awesome kids fucked up out of their minds on drugs waiting on the platform next to me. They got on the L train from Union Sq heading into Brooklyn.

I started covertly videotaping them; I waggled my finger in front of the phone screen to give the illusion I was playing Tetris or something instead of videoing. However, after a while, the guy started to give me a dirty look and started whispering to the girls. All I heard him say was a hiss: "she looks like she shops at J. Crew."

There's two things that really get me about these kids:

1. It was February in New York, and they're not wearing jackets or even tights. She's wearing a tank top! Where are their jackets?! These crazy kids are going to catch their death out here!

2. It was only 8:30pm. What kind of even were they on their way to at 8:30pm on a Friday that they had ALREADY taken drugs for? Is there an early bird special at the drug dealer's or something?

I consider filming these kids my finest moment, and I'm so happy to share it with you:

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The thing I find most horrifying about this is that they apparently have a no-shoes policy. Look at the pile of shoes by the door. The white socks. The one guy holding the bong appears to actually be wearing slippers instead of moccassins.

I absolutely loathe having to take my shoes off inside because I'm afraid of stepping on something sharp. When I was a kid I read a book about the San Fransisco earthquake of 1906, and it said that because the earthquake happened in the early morning while people were still in bed, everyone ran out into the street barefoot and ended up with massive injuries from all the broken glass cutting their feet. This HORRIFIED me beyond belief. Way more than the tragedy of people losing their homes or dying.

One of the most terrifying cinematic moments for me is in Die Hard when Hans Gruber tells his henchman to "shoot the glass" so that John McClane has to walk across the broken glass barefoot. At that point, I basically just want John to give up and let the terrorists win. I've had it.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I was looking for cuddle party photos in hopes of seeing some real unsavory degenerates, but instead I found these goddamn eagle scouts. These turd nuggets are so wholesome with their white teeth and great skin and genuine smiles.

I'm pissed as heck and I am only consoling myself with the hopes that these guys have terrible shoulder bacne.

Monday, February 13, 2012

I don't have a lot of talent for most things, but one thing I am good at is being the person at a party who talks to the cops and convinces them not to shut down the party and that we'll just turn down the music. The trick is just to be nice and polite. That's not really a cop-trick, that's a life-trick. Just always be nice, you jerks.

Anyway, it's nice to see the guy in the striped drug-rug pullover is using that same technique. Although, to be fair, I'd love to see that guy get tasered and cuffed for the crime of wearing a ski hat with tassles when it's clearly not cold out.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Is there anything worse than someone who considers "travel" among their interests? I've done my fair share of international travel, but always begrudgingly and with a keen eye to notice what flaw in another country I can remember to make fun of when I return home (aka Chinese toilets are hideous).

In my travels, I've gained an appreciation for those Lonely Planet or whathaveyou guidebooks. Yes, I know, I know, they're cheesy and hideous. And of course I'd prefer not to use one at all. Everyone wants to not use the guidebook and be carefree. You don't want to be that tourist with your nose in a guidebook like chump. Of course not. But what you really want is for your traveling companion to be the one who totes the book and does that all for you. Somehow I've ended up traveling with people who disdain the guidebook even more than me, which means that I'm the one stuck carrying it. And you know what? They come in handy, ok?

Here's the absolute worst part about those books: after your trip is done, you're stuck with this ugly book on your shelf. Taunting you even more because it tells everyone who comes over exactly where you been and that you required a guidebook for it. Mortifying. I've tried as best as possible to shove these books off on friends who've mentioned a whiff of interest of traveling to those places. You don't want people coming over and the first thing they see is that giant white text on the thick blue spin. "Oh, you went to Spain?!"

Anyway, point is, we now know DJ Denim over here has been to Thailand.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

One time I was at a roof party at one of those large buildings in Williamsburg where the residents share the roof. This was quite a few years ago when a different type of losers and shitheads still lived on the Williamsburg waterfront (as opposed to the current losers and shitheads). Some other tennants in the building also had some friends on the roof. They were unsavory hippy types, and one of them started doing this assinine thing with spinning flaming things. I don't know what the proper name for this activity is, and I don't want to ever know. It's what's going on in this photo, you know what it is.

My friend Keren started yelling "GO BACK TO BURNING MAN, HIPPIES!" at them, which was the funniest thing to me at the time. Hippies HATE it when you don't like their stupid fire-dancing displays. They seemed so hurt and dismayed to be in a hostile environment. Sorry nerds, Keren does not appreciate you.

This is a cool story about how much I enjoyed bullying some nerds. I'm a big mean shithead IRL, it turns out. Sigh. Whatever, you take one look at this guy, and you know that even though he's a shithead, he gets hecka laid all the time. Hakuna matata.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Monday, January 23, 2012

The aftermath of a party at my pal Julia's parents' place in the 70s (these are not her parents pictured). God, I wish it was the '70s. Everytime I go over to a nice dinner party and suggest a little swinging, everyone acts all huffy and stuckup. Like a little wife-swapping ever hurt anyone?

Jeez, it's 2012 people. If you're not a diaper-lover or wife-swapper, get over yourself. A little '70s partying might do you good.

Monday, January 9, 2012

A lot of the worst photos - worst in the most embarrassing sense - on this blog come to me from people who save the photos from their friends' Facebook accounts, and not ones I find publicly available on Flickr.

I have some qualms about this. Not because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but because I don't know how much of a purist I should be about the stated mission of "Pictures of Other People's Parties on Flickr". This blog is almost 4 years old (egads), and in 2008 Flickr was much something different than it is today. It seemed like the most important photo sharing site out there. It's still widely used, but it seems more and more that it's used by semi-pro photographers and color saturation enthusiasts. Facebook is now where regular people upload their party pics.

A big part of what I aimed at with this blog was a stern privacy warning - if you are dumb enough to post your photos in a totally public site like Flickr, then you have no way of stopping a shithead like me from making fun of you behind your back. What hubris to think that no one will make fun of you! However, I don't actually want to hurt anyone's feelings, and the handful of times people have asked me to take down their photos, I've always done it. Actually, of those handful of people, there's was one or two that gave a blustery talk about copyright violations and permissions tryin' to sound all legalese-y, and those were the people that I sort of jerked around a little before finally taking their photos down. They deserved to be fucked with a little more.

But Facebook is a different thing. You have a certain level of expectation of privacy on there compared to Flickr. If you set your permission for a photo so it's for "Friends" only, you aren't expecting that your so-called-friend is going to screenshot that photo and send it to a blog that makes fun of people. Also, for me I like the process of searching and finding pics myself. It feels like cheating for someone else to send me a cherry-picked photo from Facebook [NOTE: please do not stop sending me photos!!!].

Of course I'm not saying Facebook is good at privacy. It's a miserable hell-hole and I hate it and it's boring because your aunt and boss is on it, so no one ever posts anything funny or edgy anymore. Twitter is way better (do you follow me? Oh, why not) and it's fun and cool stuff happens on there.

Anyway. Look. I don't know what more I can say except I'm sorry for these two people in this photo, because their friend is a dick and sent this to me. And there's no way I couldn't post this. I wouldn't deprive my loyal readers (luv u guys <3 <3). So enjoy:

Friday, January 6, 2012

I was just sent this stunning image from someone named Brittnay with this description:

My
sister received this from her neighbor for Christmas; along with
several paparazzi style snap shots of my unaware bro-in-law and niece
while walking their dogs. Photographer or not, that’s fucking creepy.

On another note, I’m more of a Cannon girl myself. I found the Jesus to be difficult to operate.

Yes, this isn't a party photo. But I can truly say this scan of a Christmas card may be the most magnificent image I have ever posted on this piece of turd blog. I literally chortled - CHORTLED!- out loud when I saw this.

The mother and unsettlingly attractive teenage son. The fact that he's named "Kalen". The two cats. The "Jesus" brand-name camera. Good grief! Nothing could make this more perfect in every screaming detail.

I want to use this for my own Chistmas cards every year moving forward. I want to use this as my wedding inviations. I want this to be on my resume. I want to just insert this into my first born child's "Name" field on his or her birth certificate. I want this in every aspect of my life forever. Please enjoy:

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Look, let's face it: life is a horrible drawn out haunted hayride to the grave, and we're lucky if we have a handful of good memories at the end when the teenage headless horseman shovels the dirt onto our grave.

In this spirit, I present to you the 1st result* on Flickr for the search "worst party 20XX" for the years 2000-20011:

If you made it this far, I commend you, friends. Happy 2012.

2000:

2001:

2002:

2003:

2004:

2005:

2006:

2007:

2008:

2009:

2010:

2011:

*With a few exceptions for when the 1st result was a band photo (barf) or something totally nonsensical.