A lifetime's journey to be honest, open-minded and willing

Lady M & Patria: Of what Was, the Now & the Future

This post is a direct result of the comment by “Lady M” (25-Aug-08 5:39 PM) at the main page, plus the one from “Patria” (24-Aug-08 4:16 PM). The latter’s comment is short, but it made an impact on me. I’ll quote that sentence here:

“I’m touched by what you wrote. Hope you find whatever it is you seek in this life.”

As I had replied earlier, I seem to have forgotten what it was that I’m seeking in life. So how will I ever find “it”?? That means I am lost… But Patria’s comment helped to put me in check – I have to sit down and think about “it” again; and build up the resolve to go back on the right path.

As for Lady M’s comment, it got me into deep thought on quite a few matters – all of which are important. I’ll re-print her comment in full, for I’ll be referring to it again and again:

“Just happened to come across your blog and I wanna say that guys like you deserve the upmost respect. It is never easy to admit one’s fault. To look into one’s self and find what’s wrong is something only a brave person would do..

I am glad that you have finally found the light and hopefully your family stands up together with you to see you through it.

As humans, we are never spared from making mistakes thus all the best to you in your conquest in seeking whatever it is that you want in life. Not only for yourself but also for your loved ones.. coz I am sure those who loves you suffered the most during those period of uncertainty.”

Firstly, I must say this: This weblog is still new (two weeks), and the “hits” counter here shows that it’s not exactly “Rocky’s Bru” or Engku Emran’s “Between My Legs”:-) However, to the people who have left their comments: You folks don’t know how much they’ve touched me … mekyam, arep, Ted (of The Gossip Lounge), Patria, Lady M.

If these were to be the only comments that I’ll ever receive … They already make my starting this blog worthwhile!

This is only the first of my responses from the comments by Patria and Lady M – there will be more, for they touch on what life is all about … of what my life was, what it is now and what I want it to be.

I don’t really know where to begin. But I’m haunted by Lady M’s last line:

“coz I am sure those who loves you suffered the most during those period of uncertainty.”

Yes, they did … my parents (both are still alive, Alhamdulillah), my children, my wife, my in-laws… This is one of the things that had tormented me – of knowing and realising that they – THE INNOCENTS – had suffered because of me!

There is only one thing for me to do now: I have to set this right, to make amends for all the wrongs that I have done towards them. There is no other way…

I remember this particular doa (prayer) that “came inside me”. It was in the police lockup, while waiting to be sent to Pusat Serenti Gambang, Kuantan after I had received the court order on Monday, 31 Oct 2005. This is the prayer that I had asked of God, from that day until the day I was released on Monday 18 Dec 2006:

I’ll continue to come back to this particular post, for it touches on what I want, and what I hope God will help give me the strength and will to try and try … and hopefully to finally achieve.

Thank you; Lady M, Patria and all of you kind folks; for making me think, and giving me the strength, will and desire to continue with this journey…

[Footnote: Around 9 pm – after writing this post, and definitely spurred by it – I went to see `a very important someone’ : one of the persons whom I need to make amends to … praying to God to give me the chance, to create an opening, for me to start/continue making amends to her … praying that she will one day accept them … ]

* 7pm Aug 27: After reading and thinking about the comment by Lady Mon August 27, 9:10 am, I know that I must do something more than just to “hope” – of just leaving everything to God and not making enough efforts on my part. For one thing, I lack knowledge of “Relationships”, that’s a fact. But I want to learn, to understand and to try, for this is crucial to me. I came across this article, which I feel is quite relevant to one of the problems that I’m facing right now. It’s from OfSpirit.com – “Healing Body, Mind and Spirit”:

In the last few decades, partners have spent countless hours trying to “work out problems.” Yet over and over again they often come up against a major roadblock: they just don’t see things the same way. No matter how long they talk and how hard they try, neither ends up feeling really heard and understood.

While there are some couples that just naturally see things the same way, most people have a really hard time seeing things through the other person’s eyes. What often happens when they “communicate” is that each person tries to get the other person to see things his or her way. Instead of solving the problem, each is trying to have control over how the other person sees things. This often leads to more conflict and frustration.

While I am not suggesting that couples stop communicating over problems and issues, I am offering an additional way of resolving conflict: taking loving action in your own behalf.

This form of conflict resolution is about action rather than talk. Following are some of the actions you can take that may make a world of difference in your relationship. Continue to read here… [Due to respect of copyright ownership, I will not paste the whole article here. Yes, the owners would (probably) not be too bothered with my doing so, but I’m doing this `for me’ too. Have to consider the spiritual side of it – of doing something wrong even if my intentions are good]

Lady M: Based on this comment, You know a lot, despite not knowing and never having met me. I guess this is just a repeat of what others have gone through since thousands of years ago.

I don’t think I need to elaborate, for you seem to fully understand the situation”…

This is one of the toughest things when trying to make amends. Firstly, I have to truly be humble, honest & sincere, willing and open-minded – something that is very difficult for me, given my egoistic self. But I try to…

Then there’s the matter of the other party seemingly not wanting to accept your making amends … of placing obstacles and conditions.

This is what I can do now – I try to be as honest and as willing as I can at any given moment … and leave it to Allah. I can’t do more than that.

Update to the above comment, 7pm: And God appears to have heard my plea, for He had inspired me to search and learn… I found that article – part of which is quoted above – which has introduced a couple of new things.

The first one is as stated by the title. The second is this new concept – or at least to me – of “loving action for myself”. Previously, I would have thought of this as “being selfish” or “self-centred”. But it’s not.

This is a new concept – of not punishing her (or anyone else) and alsomyself. Come to think of it, I had been punishing myself quite often, out of remorse.

You are right abt IT being a repeat of what others have gone thru’ since thousands of years ago…

Some might have experience physical abuse, others might have encountered infidelity but whatever the case maybe, the emotional damage is the same and the main thing, that is TRUST has taken a downslide. When there are NO trust between 2 individuals.. how then can you be together?

I might not fully understand HER feelings coz I have not experience the pain and humilation that SHE might have gone thru’ but as a woman, I can emphatise with HER.

I guess SHE must have felt like a failure for not being able to stop you from being an addict. SHE must have felt useless and hurt, thinking that your love for HER and the children was not enough to overide the love you have for drugs..

I guess it is always easy to talk abt doing things, abt changing one self but to actually do it, is a different matter.

Like I said before, my prayers are with you. If you sincerely love HER, give HER time to learn to trust you again..

Telling HER that you have changed and not ever going back to be what you were would be useless. Actions speak louder than words.. Be yourself.. and let HER be the judge.. Insya Allah, with HIS blessings, you would achieve what you aimed for.

“Smile and the whole world smile with you… Cry and you cry alone” ever heard this before? Something for us to ponder about, don’t you think?

You said “I seem to have forgotten what it was that I’m seeking in life.”

You also seem to not realise how beautiful it is. And how much more beautiful your life can become.

From most of what you’ve written so far, it dawns upon me that the most important thing for you now is your spiritual self. And that is why I say you are beautiful. For how many of us truly spend time searching for that ever elusive spiritual self?

Be strong, and I can tell that you are a fighter.

I may not have a slightest inkling of what you are going through, or have been through. But your writings so far have been of inspiration and hopefulness.

After reading your articles, I can scent your trustfulness in your writing. I hope you will get want you want and be a better person for yourselves, people who loves you and people pray that you will change i.e. stranger like me and other. I know it hard for you as drug addiction has altered your mentality and the way you perceive thing. It was difficult for you but you wrote here that you were clean for almost 12 years before you relapse. I hope you will find your serenity in your writing and when you in come into difficulties please open and read the positive comment that people have sent you. I hope will get back on what you have lost previously. From this moment, imagine that you are reborn to become a better Muslim, father and son.

I had read this at lawyer-writer Eliza M. Kamal’s site just now: Sleepless in Setiawangsa

It’s about her good friend in a divorce case. This paragraph was of particular interest to me:

Together, they concocted the fatal recipe for intense relationship: baggage from their previous marriages, insane jealousy, highly compromised level of trust, notwithstanding the consumed feelings they reserved only for each other.

Oh, so you are su who had left a comment as my blog! (about “Recovery from Drug Addiction”)

I couldn’t come to check on this site sooner, nor to reply to the comments then, for I was swamped! Didn’t know that Rocky’s Bru had mentioned something about my site until I was surprised by all those comments coming in.

I had seen your comment from early on, and was/has been reflecting on it – plus some others. Yes, that’s probably it … the spiritual self. I think it’s markedly different from “being religious”

My search is of “Who am I?”; and hoping this will someday – gradually over time – be answered … that “I’ll know”. Until then, I’ll have to go on searching; and hoping that bit by bit things will get answered.

BTW keep up with what you’re doing here. It might not appear so at my blog, but I *am* interested in current issues and socio-political matters. However, at that site, I’m keeping and limiting it towards “Recovery” and “improving one’s self (especially *mine*).