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qmunicuts – The Column That Survived 2016

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Ukrainian separatists have announced the winner of their competition to find their region’s most patriotic cat. The lucky puss Tima was said to be over the moon, after impressing the judges by licking his balls in time to the national anthem.

Ikea has urged young people to stop hiding in their shops overnight, following a viral video of guys horsing around on the furniture. The trespassers involved have pleaded innocence, claiming they got lost on the corner between the dikgräbbers and the glorayhools.

A huge fur seal has had his 15 minutes of fame after getting comfy on a car bonnet in Australia. The “sealebrity” was named “Mr Lou-seal” by the local police force and released back into the wild. Personally, qmunicate would have went with Ce-seal the (sea)lion.

Ed Miliband has staged an unlikely comeback to news headlines in America– as a stock photo of a flu victim. It’s no Strictly, but at least he’s keeping busy.

A Catholic festival in Sri Lanka has been left repentant after it printed a thousand copies of Tupac’s song ‘Hail Mary’ rather than the traditional prayer. “And so the Lord proclaimed: ‘revenge is the sweetest joy next to getting pussy.’”

Avril Lavigne has started a fight back against the ‘haters’ – by accusing Mark Zuckerberg of bullying Nickleback. The ex of the Nickleback frontman took offence to a video posted by Zuckerberg to promote his new AI system. It’s nice to see her career’s doing well.

A grammar school’s Christmas party held at Cheltenham has been shut down by police after the discovery of cocaine and MDMA in the toilets. Parents were said to be extremely proud of their offspring’s dedication to preparation for their future endeavours.

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South Korea has taken down a government website which maps women of childbearing age by district following outrage. Life imitates art, and South Korea imitates The Handmaiden.

Donald Trump has revealed his genius way to protect against cyber attacks – send handwritten notes by courier. Dick pics are about to become bigly classier.

A train from London to Edinburgh was delayed over the festive period when a scorpion broke free of the ice-cream container it was stored in. This long-awaited sequel to Snakes on a Plane disappointed critics and bombed at the box office.