Definitely older, possibly wiser….

Off The Hook

When I was seven years old, my father decided to become a minister and enrolled in a local seminary. My family moved into the campus housing which meant that we had to give up our beloved dog Sandy. Luckily, we had good family friends who were willing to take her. They lived nearby and we would be able to see Sandy often. I know it sounds like an ideal solution, but the truth was that I hated giving Sandy away, even to family friends. I not only mourned the loss of my dog, but I worried that she would miss us and that they wouldn’t treat her as well as we did. How could I be sure that the boys weren’t teasing her, and that the family was giving her enough attention? How could Sandy possibly be as happy with their family as she was with ours?

Luckily, my fears proved ungrounded as our friends provided Sandy with an incredibly loving home until she died at the ripe old age of sixteen. The transition from one family to another may have confused her for a little while, but she was well and truly taken care of for her entire life. We are still close to those friends, and recently one of the sons (one of the boys my seven-year old self didn’t quite trust with her dog) recently texted me a photo of him holding Sandy when she was in her twilight years. “She would sit in my lap and let me pet her like this every night,” he said. It is one of the sweetest photos I have ever seen.

I doubt that he has any idea how much I appreciated getting that picture. First of all, it confirmed what I had already known: they loved and cherished Sandy just as much as we did, and she was quite happy with them. But even more importantly, it reminded me that as much as I loved Sandy, I wasn’t the only one who could care for her and give her a good home. Her happiness didn’t depend entirely on me.

I have always been the sort of person who likes to get things done, and who tends to believe in the old saying, “if you want something done right, do it yourself.” And while I know that the world needs those of us who are willing to take on responsibility and get things done, I also know that it is both arrogant and foolish of me to think that I am the only one who can do that.

I need to remember that when someone tells me about a problem, they are not necessarily expecting me to solve it for them. Sometimes, all they are looking for is a sympathetic ear. I need to understand that not only is it not my job to take care of everyone and everything, but that I can’t possibly do so. In short, I need to recognize my own limitations. And I especially need to learn to trust in the the fact that there are plenty of other people in this world who are fully capable of taking care of things, even without my help.

I have kept a copy of that photo, partly because it makes me smile whenever I look at it. But it is also an important reminder that I don’t, actually, carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. It’s enough that I do the best I can, as often as I can. And then I have to trust that there are always others around who can handle the rest.

It was very hard at the time, even knowing she was going to friends. I’m so glad we stayed friends and were able to keep track of her. But the photo he sent…and that had to be taken over 30 years ago…was still such a gift!

I think women in general and mothers in particular tend to be “fixers,” perhaps from caring for young children who are so dependent on us. But as they grow, we need to learn to step back and remember that we can’t fix everything for our kids…or our friends…or even ourselves! I’m glad this spoke to you, and thanks for letting me know in such a sweet way!

Such an insightful post Ann.I truly believe that each time we write about something, we are constantly reminding ourselves about a very important life lesson. We are all work in progress and we need to constantly keep doing this. I completely get the point behind keeping that valuable pic here.

You are so right, we write our blog posts to help us remember a lesson, or even to learn something new. If others happen to connect with it as well, that’s just a nice extra. This is something I’ve been struggling with lately, and so it came out in my blog!

So true! I think when I came to that realization (not very long ago), I knew I was finally growing up. Trusting others to a task (or a dog) that you know you can do well yourself is always a risk, but letting go after you bestow that trust is a gift not only to that person, but to ourselves. I think I finally figured out that me stressing what they were or were not doing had no effect on the outcome. I also figured out that I’m only one person, and I need to cut myself a little slack. Great read for this Monday morning. Thanks!

Thank you! I can imagine that fostering dogs has taught you that lesson, otherwise you would be driving yourself crazy following up on all the dogs you’ve helped get adopted. It’s hard to learn to let go and trust that things will be okay, but as you say, we are just one person. So we really don’t have a choice!

This is a sweet story and very true. It’s also so difficult for us to follow and understand at times because we want to protect or help those we love and care about. But sometimes just being there is enough for them. Just knowing they can count on our love and support whenever they need it speaks more than we can say in words or actions.

I know! I would like nothing better than to make the world a great place for those I love, and to solve their problems for them. But it doesn’t work that way. Some things we can help, others we can’t. But what we can always do is show them our love and support and make sure we are there for them in times of trouble. And usually, that is enough.

Thanks! It was very hard, but as I realized that she was in good hands, it made it easier. And all these years later, I realize that there’s an important lesson for me in that situation, too. Sandy was a good dog in more ways than one!

It was hard…I know I cried a lot as a kid. But I was seven, so I had no choice. I know it was hard on my parents as well, but Dad felt strongly that it was time to go into the ministry, and the seminary didn’t allow pets (other than fish and turtles). But as soon as we moved into our first parsonage, we got two dogs! And it helped that we were in touch with our friends and always knew that Sandy was in good hands.

What a lovely story and a great reminder that there are a lot of kind (and competent) people in the world. As much as we like to think that our way is the best (of course it is), other ways are good too. Sandy had two loving families in her life – how great is that! I hope you share this post with your friend who sent you the photo… I know he’d appreciate it as much as you appreciated receiving the photo.

Thank you! And yes, I do tend to think my way is “best” unless I make a conscious effort not to. And my and his siblings did see the post because I link it to my Facebook page. I’m glad because I wanted them to know how much I appreciated their love and care for Sandy, and how much I appreciated getting that photo.

Over the years I have adopted a mode of action, which provides the mental and spiritual comfort to live in peace with the rest of the world. Take care of your immediate family first, then of your neighbours and of your community. There are far too many people who embrace the entire world with their love and neglect the ones who are much closer to them.

That’s a good point, Peter. And especially because we can make the biggest impact on those who are close by, and often those are the ones who depend on us the most. I believe you are right that some people who are successful, even in noble causes, do that at the expense of their own family and friends. Thanks for the comment!

Thanks, Kate! And yes, I think the love that we can see if the photo is one of the reasons I like it so much. It doesn’t just show how well Sandy was cared for, it shows how much they loved each other!

I understand this totally-It took me so very long to realise this truth. You said it well-and gosh what a beautiful example you had. We do what we can- and ought to be satisfied with that. What a sensible and inspiring post-thank you and God bless the family that loved Sandy.

I think there’s a lot to be said for recognizing our limitations. It doesn’t mean we aren’t going to do our best, it just means we realize that we can’t do everything, and that our best has to be good enough. And to have the faith to believe that it is.

Your friends gave you such a magnificent gift by loving your dog. Just when I think that God should start over and make the dominant life form something nicer, like cockroaches, I read a post like this. Sometimes it’s hard to have faith in other people. I always love it when it turns out to be well-founded. 🙂

I once read that the only two creatures that could survive a major nuclear attack are cockroaches and termites…. Sort of makes you wonder, doesn’t it?
But seriously, yes, it is things like this that remind us that there are still a lot of good people in the world. We just don’t hear about them because they don’t make interesting news.

It’s always an impulse to try to step in and take care of something, but you’re right. People just want to talk, and they want you to listen, nothing more, nothing less. I had an old boyfriend that I was once confiding in about a non solvable problem, and his first response was, I can’t fix this for you, and I told him he was fixing it by letting me talk about my feelings. Great post as always

As always, great post. I’m a similar type of person–it has always been “easier” for me to do everything myself and make sure it gets done the right way (as I see it). But as my kids have grown up, I realize by doing too much for them (especially my son), I have actually hurt them in some ways. By doing what they needed to do for them, I robbed them of the experience and confidence and discipline it requires to follow up on what needs to be taken care of. It’s harder for them now, as young adults. I have to remind myself of that whenever I’m tempted to step in and help too much.

Wow, can I relate to that! I have many things I wish I had done differently with my kids (I think most mothers do), but the number one thing I would change is that I would not do nearly so much for them. I wanted them to feel secure and well-cared for, but instead I actually made them a bit insecure in their ability to care for themselves. My intentions were good, but my belief that it was my job to “fix” everything was actually bad for them.

My Mom gave my dog away years ago too, but it wasn’t a nice situation. I really couldn’t forgive her. I became a ‘dog’ person in my continuing years as did my daughters…. She did it to punish me for something she was mad at me about…and boy did it. I never saw my dog again. She blamed it on me and said it was my fault that she was giving her away. That stung even more. It’s always been hard between Mom and me, but now this time here in FL has been trying to heal (for me anyway). It’s interesting….xo

I’m so sorry you had that happen to you (and the poor dog, too!) Personally, I think that sounds rather abusive. I can understand why you had a difficult relationship with her for sure. I’m glad that you are finding healing now that you are closer to her in Florida, simply because that will help you. Hang in there!!

You are so right Ann! For some reason this made me think about when I was pregnant the second time with my son and I remember thinking, how can I possibly love another little human being as much as I loved my daughter. Of course you and I both know now that love is boundless and infinite and as soon as I set eyes on him I knew that. I love the photo here of Sandy, so sweet. and all of your points about doing the best that we can. Beautifully relatable as always. xo

Thanks, Miriam! And I can see why you were reminded of the addition of your second son to your family. It’s the same principle: there is always enough love to go around, and we just have to trust in that truth. You are so right that love is boundless and infinite…sometimes it just takes something to show us that!

Thank you for this timely post! I could so relate to it on many levels. We had to give a dog away when I was just 4 to move…I still think of that dog till this day and even asked my parents just last week if they really did find a nice home in the country for her like they told us or if it was a white parental lie to ease the pain…thankfully, it was true! I have been allowing myself to get so stressed lately trying to meet so many different needs…this was a good reminder we’re not superhuman, thanks!