How does a girl avoid dating or marrying some festering bag of ripe compost like Kevin Federline and his helix-missing ilk? I know Britney Spears is about as sharp as a bag of wet mice; however, even with her low levels of discernment and her Turkish walnut like density, I believe Brit (as well as those below and above her in brilliance) can, with a little guidance, steer relationally clear from any urge to merge with some future K-Fedian bad date.

So . . . how does a girl circumvent the date from hell? It’s pretty simple, ladies. Follow the following principles, and you’ll land you a quality catch. Blow them off, and you’ll attract some Darwinian holdover that’ll drain you emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially more than a hemi-powered robotic milker drains the dairy out of a cow.

Girlfriend, are you ready to leave in the dust some dude who’s not worthy of sharing the air you breathe—much less your time and attention? You are? Well, giddy up. Here’s the master list that will increase your chances of attracting a prince Charming versus drawing some piece of Charmin.

Before you “get” a boyfriend . . .

1. Get a life.

2. Get a grip.

3. Get virtuous.

4. Get someone compatible.

5. Get solid boundaries.

6. Get and keep your own place.

Number One: Get a Life. A lot of ladies date disasters simply because they don’t have squat going on in their own lives and they think that the missing link is regularly French kissing the over-moussed bartender at Chili’s. One way to make certain you do not get wrapped around the axle of the date from hell is to make sure you’re kicking butt in life first—before you try to partner with anyone else.

Before you wade into the dating swamp, make sure you have something going on. Dissuade yourself right now from the debilitating notion that you need a man to be complete. Granted, great guys do add to the mix. That said, it’s incumbent that you first have a life for a good man to add to.

A relationship with Dash Riprock is subservient to the priority that you are focused. Yeah, you need a vision more than you need a tripod. You need something great to live and die for first. You need to hear from God before you fuse to a fellow. If not, you’ll be a gullible Etch-A-Sketch from some scribbling monkey.

Look ladies, if you enter into a relationship rudderless, like a needy parasite, you will be come the slave of whatever host you hitched yourself to. You’ll find yourself doing things . . . changing things . . . believing things . . . compromising things . . . and getting involved in crap you wouldn’t even think of doing just because you neeeeeeeeeeed him.

Girls get freaky when they don’t have much going on in life. They try to over please, which is cool for two to three weeks for most guys, but then it gets a little nerve gratingly old. Yes, the desire to please motivated from need can get whacked. It goes something like this: Girl -“Do you like my hair? The guy pauses because he’s watching a Bud Lite commercial. The co-dependant girl takes his pause as disapproval and spouts, “What—you don’t like my hair? Is it my bangs? It’s my bangs, isn’t it? ‘Cause I’ll cut ‘em. If you want me to, I’ll cut my bangs. I swear to God, I’ll cut ‘em. Don’t leave me! Arggh!”

Honeys, please, please, don’t queue up to any person needing them to make you whole. Holy cow, señorita. Looking to most guys nowadays for fulfillment, as one comedian said, is like looking to Michael Jackson for psychoanalysis. You’ve got to go to the desert. Get focused. You should have (again!) so much going on that if your guy dumps you like a chunk of concrete or if some dude doesn’t like you it shouldn’t cause a major hiccup in your life. Why? Well, you have a nation to save, a dragon to slay, a mountain to conquer, a mission to attend to and it’s that man’s loss, not yours.

Listen, if a guy leaves you, or is not attracted to you, that shouldn’t derail your existence. That shouldn’t throw you into a neurotic never ending introspective trip that leaves you depressed, jonesing on Bridget Jones, developing raccoon eyes from lack of sleep, or singing “I cant live if living is without you” while you gorge yourself on aerosol whipped cream.

Get a life (one more time) first, and you’ll get a worthy man.

To be continued . . .

* Check out Doug’s new video at www.Clashradio.com. This week’s video is “We Love Pepsi, They Love Death”. In addition, the one and only Skunk Boy sings his version of John Lennon’s song, “Imagine”.