President Obama today became the first to achieve a milestone coveted by enlightened central planners everywhere, as the Bureau of Laborious Statistics announced the much-followed meaningless headline: "U3 unemployment rate for last month was ZERO PERCENT," which clearly implies that the glorious economic recovery he engineered after the disastrous Bush years has now resulted in full employment.

It appears that Professor Obama succeeded in finding the Holy Grail, which eluded history's greatest economic thinkers like Lenin, Stalin and Mao. This landmark achievement, along with his establishment of free healthcare for everyone via the Affordable Care Act, cements his reputation as the Greatest Leader in this or any other universe for all time.

The dramatic moment occurred at 12:03 PM, four weeks to the day after Lyman Yilk, a pipe-fitter from Bittcling, Pa, finally gave up looking for work.

Mr. Yilk has been unemployed since 2005, but was on a celebratory bender since the day after Mr. Obama's first election and failed to notice that the Keystone Pipeline (which Mr. Yilk was hoping to find work on) had been cancelled due to environmental concerns. When he finally sobered up four weeks ago and learned the project was dead, he abandoned his search to find a job.

Mr. Yilk was the last worker to leave the labor force and turned the lights out as he left.

According to the Bureau of Laborious Statistics, "Official unemployment rate (U3) per the ILO definition occurs when people are without jobs and they have actively looked for work within the past four weeks."

Without Mr. Yilk, there was no one actively looking for work any longer, hence the U3 rate was now zero percent, praise Obama!

Naysayers were quick to note that the labor force participation rate had also dropped to zero percent, which, according to them, was not a good thing as it meant no one was employed. Rep. Nancy Pelosi brilliantly countered their racist, straw-man argument by observing that it also meant no comrade was any longer "job-locked" and each was free to be an artist, writer, or hooker, pursuing their passion.

"There is no underestimating this tremendous achievement of Barack Obama," said Paul Klugeman, an expert on hiding declines and fudging economic statistics, as well as on being the self-proclaimed "Conscious Liberal."

"Comrade Obama has achieved the socialist dream of freeing all of The People™ from the slavery of work and permitting them to live off someone else's dime - as God, if he existed, would've wanted."

When asked if he was concerned that since no one was working, there would also be no one to pay for the benefits to all the non-workers, Dr. Klugeman responded: "Nonsense! The Fed will simply print money for artists, writers, and hookers so they can buy goods coming from China. What could go wrong?"

Yes, Comrades, in the future you would simply put your name on a waiting list for the privilege of standing before a special committee who will determine how deserving a person you are, and then be given your fair share of the recent printing. The good news is that there would be no competition, no corruption and everyone would live in peace and harmony to pursue any passion. In fact everyone would have the same share, except committee members who are entitled to an extra share for all their good intentions while proudly wear thejackass party pin on their lapels....strange how this sounds rather familiar.....

The numbers are out, Comrades, can Next Tuesday be far away? Only 4 times as many subjects stopped looking for work as were hired! But there is re-education to do Comrades. Do these lazy slug-abeds not know that a menial low-skilled job is their duty? That latrine trench will not dig itself.

The standard has already been set, what with the high percentage of voters who allowed President Obama to coast to victory. It is my understanding that a number of precinct percentages ran well above 100%. Therefore it is necessary to recognize this unemployment statistic for what it is. An overt attempt by Tea Bagger RethugliKKKans to undermine the success of the Obama administration by understating the true unemployment figures. Comrades, anything less than a negative 20-30% is "cooking the books" insofar as I am concerned. Zero ain't no hero.

Zero unemployment is what Comrade Obama promised. And to think he has accomplished this task while his golf game has improved brings tears to my eyes. What could be better for the Country?

I thought the "American Dream" was some kind of pie or something. Can it be that a small slice of pie is all that stands between us and Utopia? How absurd...but then, I suppose the teabaggers probably ate the last piece anyway. I've never understand those people.

My fellow Americans. The economy is in a shambles. Everyone is funemployed and on the dole. You've all been liberated, but for some strange reason that means you're now all living in squalor. There's nothing in America left to redistribute. The cupboards are bare. The gas pumps are dry. The electricity is out. There's nothing to do on weekends anymore. Everything is closed. The economy has been shattered.

Even litter has become a luxury item.

And the left has decided this is good enough. They can afford illegal black-market imported stuff from countries that are way beyond Obama's reach. Can you? No. Not unless you want to go to prison. Everyone dies fast in prison these days.

Your job is simply to continue rubber-stamping democrats so they can continue to rubber-stamp Obama so he can continue to rubber-stamp the shadowy clique of bizarre crooked creepy-crawly creeps he owes his life of ease and comfort to.

Do you want to live the rest of your life in the new squalor? Of course not. You're better than that.

And that is why you need to to vote for $.$. Halliburton in the next election. My platform is to attack, invade, and take over all those rich countries that still haven't gone tits-up economically and that still have even a smidgeon of wealth we can seize and transfer to the United States. I don't care if we have to take over and enslave the entire world. YOU, the American people come first. I'm not going to stand by while America goes begging.

This will solve our economic problems and put America back up to number one!

I hope you're with me. You can vote democrat and live like a beggar or you can vote for me, $.$. Halliburton, live in the glory of America supreme, and ride the free cushy ride of funemployment for the rest of your days.

The rest of the world still has money. The rest of the world are rich compared to us. Put the pep back in your step. Let's go attack them and take it!

$ $ Halliburton has a good point, for once . . . Invade Canada. Those sneaky bastards have been laughing at us for years, and what do we do? Nothing, except beg them for more maple syrup ™ and oil rich tar sands. Annex Canada and make it the 59th State. See for yourselves Comrades . . . Commissar Michael Moore has been on the cutting edge of Canada annexation for years, and we ignored all of their ominous behavior. It's time to act!

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