Followers

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The government moved to distance itself from reports of the sightings of rats near the door to Number 10 Downing Street, and also denied that there was a desperate need for any form of pest control.

“There is no need for any extra steps to control the vermin, yes a few have sneaked into Downing Street and started to shit over everything,” said David “Dave” Cameron. “But we are confident we can keep the Lib Dem problem under control.”

Civil servants said that whilst the vermin infestation had seen a noticeable increase since May there was no need to replace Number 10's famous Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office, Humphrey, who died in mysterious circumstances in 2006.

“Humphrey had a long and distinguished career behind him,” said a spokesman. “His death was of course a shame but to be expected. He was an old cat with no enemies who died of natural causes. In a sack in the River Fleet outflow near Blackfriars. After having stabbed himself. No, no one mentioned Lord Mandelson.”

Humphrey the car was adopted by Downing Street in 1989 but was forced to leave office under a cloud after Labour won power. He famously came to prominence giving damning testimony on the use of biological agents, such as Camembert, to a House of Commons select committee investigation into WMD - Weapons of Mouse Destruction.

However whilst the prime minister's office is adamant that in this period of government austerity there should be no increase in the public sector tuna bill, there are other factions keen to pursue the use of chemical means to control Downing Street's pest problems.

“We have discussed a bulk of order of Canesten for Nick Clegg and the rest of the Lib Dems,” revealed a spokesman. “We really do need something to get rid of these irritating twats.”