I have never read anything by Cary Tennis, except for this, and now I know to not waste my time in the future. What a load of crap. This guy has his own column?

Ditto.

I know this isn't a popular view here, but I'm not even opposed to calling a kid a brat where he/she can't hear, especially if they are as bad as he describes. At 11yo, he's close to being eligible for names I've called adults to their face which would all get filtered out here. Although I wouldn't use that sort of name to his face. And if he acts that way with kids his age, he's being called worse than brat by them. So I don't even agree with the guy on that.

Having said that, it's all on the dad here. He's not doing the kid or himself any favors by letting the kid act like that and letting it drive kid and adult friends away. Like Cary I do feel sorry for the kid, but I feel sorry that he's not being shown how to navigate the world properly and how to form healthy relationships with others. Being called a brat is the *least* of his worries.

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Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.Walt Whitman

I actually agree that there are no brats. But there is certainly bratty behavior, and it should be addressed in children. If it isn't, the child will grow into an adult who behaves brattily. Actually, it should be addressed in YOUNG children. Because random people are much more patient with a 2yo who snatches glasses than an 11yo, and a 21yo who does it may be arrested. The father is not doing his son any favors by teaching him that his abhorrent behavior is acceptable.

I am baffled by the article/response. By this logic, when my 4yo son wants to run out in the street I should just let him because he deserves a vast wilderness and I am so mean to raise him in suburbia and try to keep him out of traffic? Yes, it is a little sad that there are not sufficient opportunities for children to run wild and free. Still, they are growing up in this world, not some dreamed-of possible world. And they need to be socialized to this world if they are to become adults in this world who retain their freedom.

I personally look at all of my kids' behavior in a forward way. OK, my 6yo doesn't look horrid behaving this way, but how will she look in 2 years if it continues? So we work to develop the graces and behaviors of an 8yo now, and of course I am patient and give her some slack. But if she is missing any of the graces and behaviors of a 6yo, then I have no patience and she gets no slack because the time to have mastered these skills is past and she needs to catch up. It sounds like the 11yo in the OP was behaving in ways that no parent I know would tolerate in a 3 or 4yo!

I am having a really hard time coming up with a response that is eHell approved. I suppose Mr. Tennis would say that, since there are no brats, there are also no kids in Juvie and no young men in jail for committing assault (which is what this kid is doing, and what his dad is saying his friend just needs to get used to)?

I would also have to say that the Letter Writer needs to distance himself from this "friend." I do also wonder where this kid learned to yell, "child hater" whenever he doesn't get his way.

ETA: I am thisclose to writing to Salon and telling them how offensive I find the response to the letter. "I want to bite you, too"!?!?

I agree that Tennis's response was extremely offensive to a LW. I also think that the LW is too worried about being perceived as a child hater. Since the LW's friend is also his/her instructor, I think that the LW should have a talk with the Dad about how his child's behavior is negatively effecting the LW's learning. If Dad cannot come up with a solution to this problem (disciplining the child, leaving the child at home), the LW will have to go else where for instruction. The LW might also want to consider new friends.

There might not be any brats but I have seen first hand there are several kids only a few years older than this one on tethers after committing crimes. That is not to say this is a certain fate for him but the kids I knew would probably not have gone that far had "minor" bad behavior been addressed and stopped before things escalated.

I have a sister who, though 18, is mentally around 6-7 years old. When she was small people spoiled her, talked about how adorable her behaviors were, constantly gave her passes because of her disability (even though some of the behaviors she understood perfectly were incorrect). She now acts outrageously. She hides, throws out, and destroys property that isn't hers. She talks inappropriately to people, physically acts out in public. Yes, she knows (as my own Jean does) that these things are "wrong" and "bratty" but she does them anyway because she's learned from history that she'll get away with it, and hey, it feels good to act out. My parents do the best they can, but other adults and carers give her way too much slack.

The child in the OP's link may not have any disabilities, but he's getting the same training that he can get away with this behavior and he's taking advantage of it. This is partially on dad, but it's also on every adult that passes off the behavior without consequences. If a child above the age of 3 grabbed at my glasses they would get a negative reaction from me, up to and including speaking to the adult "I am sorry, I have to go. My glasses are very expensive and I can't afford to wait for them to be replaced if Junior Brat breaks them."

We all have to learn to deal with negative emotions, and when those negative emotions result in hurting or damaging other people and their property, it is past time for society (and the parent) to act. Escalation is the key, as Sharnita pointed out.

PS--and seriously, "I want to bite you too"?

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“A real desire to believe all the good you can of others and to make others as comfortable as you can will solve most of the problems.” CS Lewis

A bully, no matter the age, bullies because they can get away with it. The dad is bringing his son along to an event that other people have paid to attend. How do the other attendees interact with this kid? Has attendance dropped off? Has the dad paid for the kid to attend?

The kid knows the adults will not punch him or be physically violent, and I don't advocate that, but he knows he can get away with the behavior because generally adults don't yell or hit other people's children.

Maybe the child is acting out - that is up to the father to figure out. The father needs to be told, that the LW is dropping out of the activities and why.

Why would you continue to subject yourself to abuse, whether by a stranger, friend or friend's child?

I think LW should tell the friend why LW is no longer hanging out with dad, sharing rides with dad, or whatever other activity is stopped. Dad is not doing the kid any favors letting this behavior continue. Real life is not going to allow it either!

Of course they do. Because a picnic is just a way of limiting a beautiful, wild, chaotic child by requiring them to sit on a blanket and eat with utensils. And that kind of blatant tyranny makes unicorns feel very aggressive.

Sure, children are wild. They haven't learned how to get along with others yet.

At what point does Cary think this socialization should begin? When they are teenagers?

As for the Letter Writer, he is paying to go along on these trips or whatever they are. It would probably upset the father, but I'd just flat out tell the dad, "Look, Jack, when Sam comes along, most of your attention is on him. When it's not, Sam is poking me, talking to me, running around yelling and otherwise distracting me from what you are teaching me. I'd love to continue the lessons, but only if Sam doesn't come along. I'm not getting my money's worth when he's here."

Note that this doesn't say that Sam is a horrible little boy. It points out the behaviors that Sam has that make it impossible for the paying customer to enjoy the trip.

Because I have a feeling that until the dad feels the consequences (all his customers desert him) of his child's behavior, nothing will ever change.