It's bad enough when the car you love
breaks down; now you've gotta worry about getting ripped off, too.
Our repairman explains how grease monkeys slip you the banana. As
told to John Bacon

It happens all the time:
I'm out having some drinks or playing a little pool, and the guys across the
table ask what I do for a living. When I tell them I'm an auto repairman,
I have to listen to how each one of them got ripped off - or thinks he did - by
some dirtball down the road.

That's why it didn't surprise me
when I read in USA Today that people listed "car repair" as
their biggest hassle, three spots above filling out tax returns. When
dealing with the IRS is preferable to an oil change, we mechanics have a PR
problem.

People expect to pay for a
skilled surgeon but not a skilled mechanic, because they think they're smarter
than we are - and trust me, it shows. But the truth is, the pool players
bitching about their mechanic probably didn't get screwed. Cars break, we
fix 'em, and that costs money. Today's high-end machines are loaded with
electronic and mechanical bells and whistles, which means there's more to go
wrong and the repairs are more expensive when it does. But take it up with
your manufacturer - we don't make the damn things.

I usually don't play dirty,
but I'm not above playing indifferent. If you condescend to me or piss me
off, I'm not going out of my way to help you very much. Instead of
hustling to get parts from the dealership across town or cannibalizing a new car
on the lot for a part you desperately need, I'll order it from the factory,
where I know it's on a backorder, and let it take its sweet time getting
here. I can also give out all kinds of price breaks on parts and labor,
but you'll be getting none of those. And your odds of getting a rush job
out of me are only slightly better than getting a blow job - which is to say,
nonexistent.

But like the saying
goes, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get
you. There are guys out there who exploit older customers and treat
women even worse - except for babes, who get everything free (whaddaya
expect?). They also take advantage of people on vacation, in a
hurry, or with a platinum card. If all three apply to you, it's
Screw You Yahtzee.

Generally speaking, there's too much money to be made doing honest work to make
cheating worth it for most of us. But total idiots make it tough to resist
the temptation. Idiots say things like "No need for an estimate -
just do whatever it takes." and "We'll kill a few hours at the mall
while you take care of it." When the cat's away, the mice'll happily
charge it 75 bucks an hour for drinking a six-pack out back.

Another thing idiots do is try
to tell us our job. You know: "I'm no mechanic, but I think it's the
transmission or the brake rotors." You're right: You're no
mechanic. But guess who's getting a new transmission, brake rotors, and
maybe even a new triple rotary bypass flangeometer, whether or not any such
thing exists?

Assholes are another story;
karma demands they get screwed. These are the guys who come in telling you
lies like "Listen, pal. I've already brought it back here for the
same thing three times." These things can be checked, folks, and a
lie will be used against you. Left alone with your car, a
mechanic can make waiters who spit in your food look like freakin' choirboys.

And that brings us to my
confession. I'm not proud of it, but in my second year in the business, I
screwed a customer thusly: One Friday a grade-A asshole drove in with a Porsche
944 equipped with a wimpy 140-horsepower engine and a - bah-ha-ha
- automatic transmission. The guy was more hat than cattle, if you know
what I mean.

Anyway, he lit into me with
"You pay 60 grand for a German sports car; you expect to get down the
fuckin' highway!" His model actually goes for about $40,000 new and
$12,000 in the condition he had it, so already I had him pegged as a shithead.

Fortunately, he was also an
idiot. He tried to show off by diagnosing the problems himself. His
cruise control was shot, so that needed to be replaced, he said; the funky sound
below was the exhaust system; the vibrations he was feeling meant the front end
needed an alignment; and it was idling roughly, so it probably also needed a new
carburetor.

I took a few minutes
pretending to look up some parts and crunch some numbers. Then I put on a
really straight face and told him we could probably get it all done in a couple
of days. The guy blew a gasket, just as I'd hoped he would.
"God damn it!" He pulled out his Visa Platinum
with great fanfare, slapped it on the counter and said, "Just get it done,
and get it done now!"

Yes, sir. I got right on
it. I soon found that the funky sound below was coming from a cardboard
box stuck in the undercarriage; the vibration was due to a worn-out tire; the
rough idle was the result of a fouled spark plug; and the cruise control had
quit because a break light had gone out - a safety feature standard on most
modern cars. We could've fixed it all in 15 minutes for 70 bucks.

But I sure as hell wasn't
telling him that. "You must know a lot about
cars," I told him. "Just like you said, you'll need a new
muffler and exhaust system, an alignment, a cruise control amplifier, and a new
carburetor." This last one was strictly a test: Fuel injection
replaced the carburetor eons ago on almost every vehicle sold in the U.S.

Having a blast now, I told him
I didn't have the parts in stock, but if he was in a hurry, I could send someone
to get them right away - for an extra charge. The chump agreed, satisfied
he was finally getting the VIP treatment he so richly deserved.

I told our golfer to put some
packaged parts in the delivery van, then kill an hour at the strip club.
When he returned we put on a parade, marching cartons filled with mufflers,
cruise controls, and those hard-to-find carburetors (empty boxes) right past him
en route to his vehicle, where we promptly installed nothing at all. The
visit cost him two hours and $2,100 - he was happy, we were happy.

But the pinhole I made in his
left rear tire may have been a little over the top.

SYMPTOM: Vibrations
He'll sell you: Alignment ($40-$65), tie rods ($250), new
suspension system ($500), and four new tires ($200-$400)So first check: Your tires for bald spots ($50-$100 each,
but be sure to replace in pairs to avoid misalignment)

SYMPTOM: Bumpy ride
He'll sell you: New struts ($100 a side) or shock absorbers
($200)So first check: The springs ($150 each), which are what
actually absorb shock. (The shock absorbers just stop the springs
from bouncing too

much - if they're shot,
your car will bounce repeatedly after you hit a bump.)

SYMPTOM: Squeaky breaks
He'll sell you: New pads ($70 a pair), rotors ($150 each), and
rebuilt calipers ($90 each)So first check: Your refrigerator - for a beer. All
modern breaks squeak, more frequently in city driving. They
should last between 40,000 and 60,000 miles, so have the guy show
you how worn the pads are - while they are still on the car.