I Had Sex With Furniture: The (NSFW) Fleshlight Motion Review

The Fleshlight Motion is like an Ottoman with a fake vagina on the side. You have sex with it. I did the deed with an inanimate object so you don't have to, and these are my results. I feel dirty.

I'm actually reviewing two different products from Fleshlight: the Fleshlight Motion ($US90-$US150) and the Sex in a Can ($US40). But they're both just different versions of the same rubber vagina. The Sex in a Can puts that fake vagina in a big fake beer can, while the aforementioned Fleshlight Motion gives you a leather-encased box to hold on to while you do your thing.

In theory, there's nothing wrong with using an object to help out your solo stimulation. After all, ladies have all sorts of fun toys that they use, and it's pretty acceptable. But the male sex toy has never really caught on. Now that I've used one, I can see why.

What You're Getting Yourself Into, Literally

When it gets down to it, these things just don't feel right. They're made of a rubbery material that feels absolutely nothing like anything resembling a human body part. They try to make up for that by instructing you to soak them in warm water first and then using a shitload of lube, but really, you're still f—king a piece of rubber, and there's nothing you can do to trick your body into thinking otherwise.

And do you seriously want to go through the process of soaking a fake vagina in water, lubing it up and then going to town on it? And have you thought about what happens when you're done? This is no Kleenex cleanup, my friends. You need to go to a sink and rinse out your rubber vagina and its plastic case. Imagine doing that, and imagine how you'd feel about yourself at that moment. Got that picture in mind? It's worse than that. Trust me.

Surviving the Shame

If you were really interested in these things, however, I can see how the Sex in a Can could be justified. It's pretty discreet, and it's one of those things that could easily be hidden in the back of a sock drawer. And far be it from me to tell you what feels good and what doesn't. But the Fleshlight Motion, well, that's just too much.

Seriously, where are you supposed to put this thing? The best you could do to hide it would be to put it in a closet, and even then it would take up a ton of room. A gigantic leather sex toy is the ultimate dealbreaker if a potential mate comes over. I mean, how can you really justify a huge box with a vagina? At least if you have a creepy sex room with all sorts of wedges and swings it shows that you're into having sex with another person. This just shows an extreme dedication to a party where only you and your penis are invited.

And if you're able to stay aroused when you look down and see this thing beneath you, you're a better man than I. Seriously, there's nothing that kills a boner faster than the self-awareness that comes from being balls deep in a piece of furniture.

At the end of the day, these Fleshlights just made me appreciate the classic standby of jerking off with your hand. I mean, it's so perfect. It fits well, you can adjust the tightness, it's always at human-body temperature, it's free and there's no need to hide it. You just can't improve on that. [Fleshlight]

Will never turn you down

Certainly a different sensation than you're used to

Feels like you're having sex with a CPR doll

Extremely embarrassing if discovered by friends, family or potential mates