Harry
Potter(and
the Philosopher's Stone, and the Chamber of Secrets, and
the Prizoner of Azkaban, and the Goblet of Fire)

(Reviewed
on 11/30/01)

The Warlock ROSSMAN

Honestly,
I didn't know what to expect when I started the Potter
Quatrology. I began reading them because of a promise I was
tricked into making to a retarded Mexican boy with an ass tumor
the size of Taiwan. He seemed to think that he'd be able to
beat the softball proportioned cancer and make a full recovery
if I read all 4 of the available Hogwarts adventures that Harry
Potter and his pals participated in. Unfortunately within a
week of me finishing the final book, my little Central American
amigo had to have a full buttrectomy. The pictures would make
you cry.

So's not
to waste the only time in my adult life where in I actually
read something with more text than a centerfold's "turn
ons", I thought I'd review these novels for you.

It all starts
out in a kind of an Oliver Twistian sort of way. At least it
might. I never read Oliver Twist so I really can't compare
it too well. He was an orphan though, right? And he was British.
I think. Well, that's what Harry Potter is. Plus he's a wizard.
He doesn't know he's a wizard though. But neither did Ollie.

Anyway, Harry
gets invited to leave his "ugly and cruel" Uncle and
Aunt (aren't they all) behind in order to go to Hogwarts Witching
and Wizarding School in North England... Never mind the fact
that his relatives have done their best to raise the ungrateful
little bastard since he was one year old without so much as
a "thank you". At the school our protagonist meets
Herminniny.... Harmmynione... Herbertmanny... a girl and a
boy
(the boy's name is Ron). They become his best friends. They
pick on fellow students religiously (the horror that Draco
Malfoy
has to put up with due to their unending tauntings is almost
unbearable), and make it a habit to never obey the rules that
the school masters have carefully laid out for them. Over the
course of the four Potter books that I read, Harry and his
friends
deliberately broke no less than 45 major regulations
leveed upon them by their instructors for their own good. They
were almost killed no less than 18 times due to their insanity
and stupidity too.

Back to the
books. The first one (Harry Potter and the Philosopher's
Stone) is all about Harry, Ron and Hermantitus' first year
at Hogwarts. They proceed to bully around the wimps and make
friends with the half giant groundskeeper (who probably eats
the ground-up bones of their unfortunate victims of their unnecessary
violence in order to hide the evidence). They make a mockery
of Professor Snape's Potions Class again and again, and they
watch in glee as an evil dark wizard feasts on the pure blood
of unicorns. But Harry and Co. get away scot free in the end
because they by mistakenly kill an even bigger bad guy than
themselves. So of course they're praised as heroes for that.

Book two
(Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets) is everybody's
second year at school. Finally, Harry gets some retribution
delivered to his patronizing ass in the form of Dobby the house
elf. Dobby makes Harry's life a living hell for a year in the
name of justice. There's also a big snake and a secret chamber
of torment and sexual depravity.

Book three
(Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban) takes place
during the gang's third year at the wizarding academy. Harry
laughs maniacally in the face of danger like the git that he
is, all the while an escaped prisoner who was known to have
followed the dark warlock, Voldemort, hunts him down like a
dog... Which is ironic because a dog is pretty important to
the plot in this one. Harry and Ron also team up to insult and
HATE their supposed other friend, Herpesione, because she thinks
that their lives may be in danger and ruins some of their wicked
fun. A werewolf, a cat and rat play some interesting beastiality-filled
parts too.

And finally,
book four (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) has Harry
cheating his way through a wizarding competition in order to
win the ultimate glory of the magic world, the Triwizard Cup
of Power and Light and Glory. It's amazing how much he defrauds
his elders and rivals in order to seek the exultation that he
most certainly does not deserve. Plus he loses his would-be-girlfriends
(both Cho and Hemincotti) to God-fearing rivals. There is a
really dark ending to this book though, which is the only thing
that made me smile. Soon, Harry's entire world will be crushed
and burnt to a cinder because of his total stupidity in the
the previous novel.

In the end,
I feel that Harry Potter is the world's biggest smeghead. He
believes that everybody else owes him big time because when
he was almost killed when he was a baby. Harry Potter also makes
kids worship the Devil. That's evil. The author, J.K. Rowling,
should just do us all a favor and finish the tadger off before
he causes any more pure hearts to turn to the dark side.

What did
I think of Harry Potter? It deserved a thirty
seven and 1223/2835ths out of 45 points of literary
dyslexia. Yeah, Harry was a right bastard and all, but his wicked enterprises
into the world of magic and mischief were still king of dancy
and prancy. The only thing that left me wondering was how to
spell and pronounce Herrmititty's name.

Yes, Harry
Potter is one of my most evil inventions used to corrupt
the world's easily swayable youth. Now, more than ever, they
rush off to attend dark masses and study how to summon my minions
to do their bidding and their homework at the cost of their
immortal souls!

They are
just so darn gullible! It's amazing, all I did for this one
was whisper into Rowling's ear about how she should move out
of her car and start her own devil worshiping cult based upon
a fictitious wizard named Harry Potter. Well, she took my idea
and just ran with it! I am thoroughly impressed. If only
more of my followers could give 100% like she did, then I'd
be the basis of the largest religion on the planet!!

What's even
more evil about the whole Potter thang is Quidditch,
the Sport of Wizards. It's like basketball on broomsticks, but
with 4 balls in motion instead of one. What makes this game
twisted and wicked is the fact that Rowling made the point system
so ridiculously retarded that not even rocket scientists could
explain it properly.

Okay, a team
gets 10 points for getting the big flubble-du-wubble ball through
the opponent's circle-goal. But then you get 150 points for
catching that golden snippit-di-wippit ball, which also ends
the game.... Sooooo, unless you're just a complete moron at
math it basically means that your team wins when you catch the
golden winged ball. Well, unless you guys suck and are more
than 160 points in the hole. So why not just sic one guy or
girl against another to chase the damn flying sphere down? Make
it like Battle Bots and have spikes and giant hammers
and floating buzzsaws and shit try and rip them to shreds while
they do it too. Then I'd watch it as religiously as Living
Single.

What I love
about this though is that nobody has questioned this scoring
system at all! They all praise Harry and Quidditch as if they
were the second coming of Pele. Oh well, it just makes my hellish
take over of Earth that much easier.

For all
intents and purposes I will give Harry Potter a
2 out of 4 Evil Fires of Judgement. Yes, the black arts that
Harry worships are sinful indeed, but Quidditch is just too
stupid a game to like.

The Wicca JAIME
and her Whippa'd
KIFF

Jaime:
I really didn't like Harry Potter and his heinous and
magical friends all that much, especially after Carl locked
both Kiff and I in that house with the Pagan Club on the night
of the Resurrection Ceremony of Ichulpa Retisthom.
There were like 30 cloaked figures in that dark place and
they were
pretty pissed when my Shnookie Lumps accidentally tipped over
the blood of the virgin pig that they needed to bring their
god of Destruction and Feces back to his right mind. That was
when they had the 8 foot tall skeletal demon-god try and
suck
my boy toy's essence through his anus.

Thank Oprah
that I already locked his soul up in my safe deposit box at
the Bank of America down the street.

I give
the Harry Potter books a thumbs down for telling kids that it's
okay to pray to evil.

Kiff:
Soooooooooo thirsty..... My soulless body cannot be refreshed....
Need the blood of a pixie to revive me from this horrible near
death waking slumber that I experience and suffer through every
second of every day..... Please release me from this HELL....