Sunday, June 20, 2010

What Do I Enjoy?

A wise woman read my blog and noticed that I seem to have lots of things to complain about. She asked me if I am enjoying the journey. Or for that matter, is there anything besides food that brings me joy? She concluded that if I am not enjoying the journey then something is wrong.

These are important questions, but I think they might be unrelated or at least distinct. The first one is easy to answer, I am not enjoying this journey. However, I'm not sure that I agree with the idea that I'm supposed to. If it were enjoyable, that would signal to me that I'm not doing the real, very hard work that needs to be done. I have been asleep at the wheel for many years. It is not pleasant to look at my behaviors and ask myself the tough questions like, "Why do you fill the loneliness hole in your heart with chocolate?" It would be far more enjoyable to go back to eating fast food and sitting on the couch watching TV instead of working out.

By stopping behaviors that I logically know are bad for me, I have to experience the pain and fear that they used to cover up. I believe that being fat has been/still is a source of protection for me. Why am I alone? I'm fat. Why am I unsuccessful? I'm fat. Why do I have a hard time making friends? I'm fat. When you take this excuse away, you have to look at some unpleasant facts. There must be other reasons why I am alone and unemployed. What happens if I reach a healthy weight and I still am unhappy? What will I blame then? I will only be able to blame myself. So this is about finding out what I want, how do I get it, and what kind of life will satisfy me. Those are all tough questions that are not enjoyable to face.

The second question is not as easy to answer. There are things that bring me joy, but some are mixed with challenges. I experience pure joy when I spend time with Griffin and Molly. They are really loving, funny, cool people to be around. Griffin decided to move into the room that Molly and I were sharing, so we all sleep in the same room now. We spend many nights, after lights out, talking and laughing together. That is my favorite part of the day. Everyday.

CrossFit brings me joy AND pain. Sometimes I feel so proud that I could burst. I've come a long way in the strength department. I have muscles that I have never had in my life. Just today my mom was in a garden center and was trying to find an employee to load bags of mulch into her cart. I asked her, "Why?" She said, "Because they're so heavy!" I rolled my eyes and tossed 'em into the cart. What's 50 pounds when you can deadlift 200? Other days I'm disgusted by my performance. I am slow. My running times never improve for example. And 9 times out of 10, I'm the last one to finish, and everyone is standing around yelling at me because they've been done for 5 minutes or more already. That's embarrassing.

I enjoy the people I'm getting to know immensely. I have been alone for a long time. I don't have any friends that I socialize with in Eugene. I've met some amazing people through CrossFit and even done stuff away from the gym with them. That's huge for me. I crave people my own age to spend time with. I'm enjoying socializing with my parents. Even though we don't speak the same language, we do have things in common. Obviously my sense of humor comes from them and we laugh together a lot. It gets complicated sometimes, but overall, our relationship is better than it has been in years.

Men do not bring me any joy. They are idiots who do not see my value. It's painful and not worth talking about. I dwell on my singleness too much.

I don't like my job, but I love my two teammates. They are also single moms who are intelligent and funny people. It's been enjoyable to be on a team that has a purpose. I'm not a fan of the work itself but it's something to do. And the pay is good.

So anyway, it's not all doom and gloom, even though it may sound like that. I just tend to write about what's frustrating me, not what makes me happy. I don't process what makes me happy.

You have to see your value. We see it!!!!!! Love will come, but you've gotta love you first. Do I sound too Dr. Laura-ish here? ;)I agree with Robin. I think you are enjoying the journey. Sometimes the day to day stuff gets in the way and is too hard to see past.