Archive for the ‘Current Events’ Category

CONCORD, N.H. – In a move largely praised by conservative commentators, presidential candidate Michele Bachmann fired the last of her campaign staff and bought an iPhone 4S.

“She really needed to shake things up internally. Her staff was holding her back by offering their time, hard work and common sense approaches in the midst of a up-hill campaign. In other words, it was business as usual,” said Nancy Greghill founder of Hold-On a conservative think-tank.

What Bachmann loses in human capital supporters say she easily recovers in technological advantage. Bachmann’s new iPhone comes with “Siri”, a personal assistant application, which insiders say will probably take over day-to-day campaign advisory duties.

During a Sunday night gathering with several New Hampshire Bachmann supporters, Greghill unveiled her own iPhone to demonstrate Siri’s profound reasoning abilities.

“Siri, should we defund the United Nations?” Greghill asked loudly for all to hear.

“One moment. Checking my sources. Here’s some background information on the United Nations,” Siri responded, pulling up the United Nations Wikipedia page to cheers and rapturous applause.

As a follow up, Greghill asked Siri what policies Bachmann could support to best connect with Latino voters. After checking its sources, Siri came up with some highly rated, yet reasonably priced, restaurants in the area that served enchiladas.

“What makes Siri so brilliant are the things it doesn’t say,” Craighill said later.

“Like any good political adviser, Siri makes one stop and consider the deeper connections behind certain issues. I think Michele Bachmann will be well served by having Siri in her camp,” she said.

BORING, OR – Owners of a small convenience store are seeking assistance after a tiny, life-like Wal-Mart commenced operations in their building last week.

“It just popped up overnight next to the Hostess Cupcakes,” said Scott Brownstone, owner of the life-size store.

The store’s opening has also attracted the attention of many nearby residents, who now frequent Brownstone’s store, if only to shop at the minuscule Wal-Mart.

“There used to be a steady stream of loyal customers buying my goods. Now they come in only to see what they can purchase at the tiny Wal-Mart,” Brownstone said.

Brownstone stated he’s frustrated with the number of people crawling on his floor to get a better look inside the store.

“Men and women on all fours, some in their Sunday best, straining to reach for microscopic flat screen televisions is not a sight I look forward to seeing,” Brownstone said.

Brownstone has filed a trespassing complaint with the city of Boring (pop. 5,600), but some residents don’t see what the fuss is about.

“No law has been broken. It’s just free-enterprise at work,” said Michael Hayfield, a local attorney and a self-described loner. “Most people are aware of macroeconomics. Well, this is ‘iota-economics’. It’s really small, sort of like my prospects of building meaningful, long-lasting relationships.”

The manager of the tiny Wal-Mart, Vernon Thumb, a three-inch-tall man, with a barrel chest, flowing brown beard and a shrill voice, said the store is here to stay.

“We are providing jobs for undeserved Elf-American and Gnome-American citizens in the community,” Thumb said.

Thumb refused to comment on whether his store provided employees with medical benefits or a friendly work environment, but insisted its practices were in accord with National Elf-Gnome Labor Relations Act of 1956.

City officials have yet to respond to Brownstone’s original complaint, but expect to do so after the next election.

In the meantime Brownstone can only watch and wait.

“How can I compete with a store that’s selling half-inch salmon fillets for a penny? I’ll answer my own question. I can’t,” he said dejectedly.

SAN FRANCISCO – Google developers announced today there is a one in three chance that the newly launched Google Asteroid application will collide with Google Earth by the end of the year.

“We’re really sorry about this,” said Dale Bingman, Director of Celestial Applications at Google. “While programming the trajectory codes we watched classic episodes of The Office and downed Jolt soda by the case. That might have played a role.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said there was a high likelihood Google Asteroid would damage Farmville. “A lot of virtual crops and animals could be destroyed. The President has sent a memo to the Pentagon asking them to backup the Farmville servers.”

“There is a thirty-three percent chance, repeating of course, that Google Asteroid will take out virtual civilization. But we have a plan,” said Bingman at a press conference this morning. He then presented a Power Point slide introducing a new planet called Googletopia. “We propose moving virtual civilization to this new world on the wings of a new application called Google Space Colony Rocket.”

Bingman said Googletopia would be very similar to Google Earth. Key differences include all virtual people signing a waiver forfeiting their first born virtual child and banning all cultural references of the word “Yahoo!”.

“There is a sixty-six percent chance, repeating of course, that this will not occur. Let’s keep our fingers crossed,” said Bingman looking down at his cubicle desk forlornly.

WASHINGTON – A study released this week by the U.S. Department of Labor finds that 99.8% of Americans under the age of 6 months are chronically underemployed.

“The figures are quite alarming,” said Suzy Rodinfeld a spokesperson for the Labor Department. “Babies are struggling to find work, particularly in states where employers require workers to communicate with some form of language or to sit upright, unattended, in a chair for several hours a day.”

“Employers look at my resume and laugh,” said Nathan Daniels, age two months, who spoke via an interpreter who could decipher his adorable cooing sounds. “One interviewer pinched my chubby cheeks and made kind remarks. Who wouldn’t be flustered by such harsh working conditions?” Daniels added he has been without work for two months.

Babies, according to some employers who have hired one in the past, are a dangerous liability. “They demand too much and produce very minimal results,” says Falcon Johnson who last year hired an eight month old to operate a forklift in his auto parts warehouse. “After changing her diaper twelve times on the first day, I had to show her the door. Actually, I carried her out the door and waited for her lawful guardian to take her home. Good riddance.”

Babies say they are not giving up in their efforts to be productive citizens. “I don’t care if it takes me eighteen years. I will join the work force. We babies will have our day,” said Daniels.

HAINESVILLE – According to eye witnesses an area man was rescued today from an Olympic sized water bed near his home.

Russell Davidson, 32, was found flailing in the middle of a giant water mattress by passersby sometime around 1pm. Coast Guard helicopters were dispatched soon after, plucking Davidson from the bed and transporting him to a nearby hospital.

“I heard yelling coming from a curiously large water bed and saw Russell stranded in the middle,” said Beth Hailey who witnessed the incident. “He should have known not to walk alone across a ginormous water bed. He should have used the buddy system,” she said.

Coast Guard officials said Davidson was resting comfortably tonight after complaining of nausea and an extremely sore back.