Thursday, 25 August 2011

Sunday, 21 August 2011

"Be like water making its way through the cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around it or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward thinking will disclose themselves.

Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle, and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend."

Friday, 19 August 2011

It's 5PM and I officially quit my job today. For those who didn't know, I worked in one of the leading Canadian privately-held business in the worldwide export of vehicles. The company provided me with a good start in my career. I'm infinitely thankful for the opportunity that I've been given and for all the things I've learned.

Resilience is a different kind of perseverance that I learned this year. It is not the kind of perseverance that involves resolute drive, energy and persistence. Resilience is characterized by flexibility. It’s about altering your thoughts without being a synonym of abandonment.

There was an extended period of time when I made myself very unhappy for a decision that was traditionally the best and an option that was considered most desirable by peers. However, that option didn't mold into the right environment, the right timing, and most importantly, my uniqueness. I thought I had the strength to bulldoze my way through everything, but the pressure of bearing such aspirations was painfully heavy.

Goals are like stars; you may never reach them but they will guide you in your quests. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately; our globalized world, economic trends, industry demands and I asked myself what all that means to me. I always wanted to follow my instincts, explore more, learn more and discover home. Home is not a place but a time. Timing is everything. There's that Chinese saying that goes "Take a step back, you'll see a wide open sea and the vastness of the sky." That’s exactly what I did and now, I’m finally hired by one of the top Canadian accounting firms.

Thursday, 18 August 2011

There was heavy rain in Montreal in the past week. I got caught under an awning on Jean-Talon. I impatiently waited for the rain to stop. I waited with a growing feeling of misguided direction. I longed for something.

Why is it that a tiny grain of sand can bring tears to our eyes? Is it safer in the cage where we lock all our emotions? If so then why must they be heavy to bear? Are there still places in the world for their expressions? Am I expected to look pretty? When you’re repeatedly told that you’re pretty, you eventually feel restricted to the definition of that word. Can I scream and cry? Am I free? Why love? Why sadness? Why tears? Why anger? Why laughter? Why life? Why such mess?

…and why not?
Don’t you remember?
I longed for freedom, yet I had the choice and I chose obligation, my comfort zone and security.

Why are emotions difficult to handle? Why do we gloss over sadness, frustrations, disappointments and pretend they don’t exist? Why are we scared of merging and identifying with others? Why don’t we care as much as we do? Why don’t we cry as much as we want? Why are we whispering when we have something to say? Why are we starving ourselves when we love food? Why are we scared of unpredictability, volatility and the undefined?

Why? Why do we stay away from the rain?

Why am I waiting?

I want to swim into an ocean, to swim far, to feel the cold, to taste the salt, to swim back before my last breath and dry newly again. I want to let the child locked inside me come out freely and play again. I wanted to feel the ferocity of the rain on my soft face, soaking through my clothes, pounding on my skin…and so did I.

The rain...
Isn’t its wildness and irrefutability so beautiful? Just like the untamable storm deep inside our hearts.

The life and relationships that you want to create are work; it’s the undertaking of adversity, struggle, doubts and persistence. You will fall down, turn your back, look foolish, perhaps give up, and attempting again. It will be hard, there will be pain, fear and inflicting wounds...

Maybe one day, I won't be here anymore, and maybe you won't be here either. It could be sudden. It could be unfair. Is this scary?

...but do you want to fall into the convenience of the flow so ordinarily? Or do you still want to work passionately and create splendor?

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

"I think you feel guilty for breaking down which is why you apologized and you are angry at me for not being understanding and for being cold. I'm so fuckin sorry for being insensitive. I want to help you. You don't need to apologize...it's not your fault. Can I help you? Can I help you seek help? I just want to see you happy."

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Last time we talked, he reacted defensively. He asked me what I wanted. "You can either go back to school or break up with me," I answered.

The next day, he asked me to come to his place. "We're not seeing each other anymore unless we find solution to this problem" I told him.

"You're right. Let me get my shit straight. I have been complacent and I owe you for shaking me up. You're in my life and I will keep you. I miss you, little brat," he said. "Will you accept my commitment of going back to school?"

"No. If you want to go to school, do it for you. Even if one day we don't end up together, the degree will still be your's. You understand? It will only benefit you."

"I know. I want to do this. Just say yes, please, will you accept?"

"Okay, yes. Do it then."

I went to his place on Monday and he actually cleaned up, bought food, did his dishes, etc. It's not perfect, but I can tell that he put in a lot of effort.

I honestly find it odd that he changes so fast. What went through his mind? I can't help but wonder if he said that against his will only to keep me. Can he actually tell the difference between what I want and what he wants?...because I don't want him to resent me in the future.

...but I think he's definitely just saying anything to keep me. "If you want something, tell me. I will do it if I can," he tells me when I'm angry. But just a moment later, he'll ask me to not tell him what to do when I'm just asking him to walk a little faster because the light is turning yellow for example.

Is it me or is this guy just lost?

Earlier this week, I reminded him that he has to apply to school this week. He promised me that he would. I didn't tell him one thing though; if he doesn't do it by Sunday for whatever reason, I'll leave him.

Today, he tells me that he could maybe get a job as a "technician" in the north of Quebec in those mining fields.

In brief, he told me this:1-It pays 100 000$/year.2-He will work 3 weeks there and come back here for 2 weeks.3-The contract lasts 3 years.4-He wants to buy a house at 30 years old with that money.5-He wants to go back to school at 30 years old. He is 27 right now, by the way....but does he realize that:1-300 000$ after-tax is not enough to buy a house, especially in Montreal.2-When he comes back, his little job at the telecommunication company will not pay the rest and all the related expenses.3-Those 3 years of "mining experience" is unlikely to be helpful to his future career.4-I know him well enough to know that he's not ambitious enough to go back to school at 30 years old. Also, I can guarantee that it will take him at least 5 years to finish his degree because he will work at the same time, he might have a family by then, and learning pace decreases with age. However at that point, it won't matter anymore because I'll be gone.

What's more beneficial in the long-run? Does this guy use his brain or what?! That's the kind of job that I would maybe accept if I were 18 years old, without a career goal...and if I were a boy obviously.

I posted a poem by J.R.R. Tolkien on my facebook the other day.All that is gold does not glitter,Not all those who wander are lost;The old that is strong does not wither,Deep roots are not reached by the frost.From the ashes a fire shall we woken,A light from the shadows shall spring;Renewed shall be blade that was broken,The crownless again shall be king.

He thought that I was talking about him...and he's totally wrong.Not all those who wander are lost? Well maybe some of them are actually lost.

P.S.: Okay, so now he’s not going anymore.

"When I meet your mom, I’m going to slap her for making you smart. And I’m going to punch your dad for giving you such a hard head. I’m going to school tomorrow to speak with someone about creating a path. But you need to have faith in me baby," he said.