Here are the unleashed pages of a sober chick in recovery. My journey (date of sobriety) began on June 13th, 2005. For 29 years of my life I was spiritually sick. Emotinally defeated by drunken black-outs, bulimic binging and purging episodes and self-mutilation, I finally surrendered.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

A bundle of Mess

Ugh,

Having a horrible morning. My period is lurking to arrive any moment. All emotions are intensified. I feel icky, this cold is annoying. I wake up this morning, and immediately adopt all those voices in my head.

Need to do laundry, clean the floors, wash my truck, take a shower, blah blah blah. As I was trying to organize my clothes on my side of the closet these IKEA boxes fall. We have yet to put them up, this annoys me. So I grabbed them and yanked them out of the closet very aggressively. Mitch is getting ready to go and teach walks over calmly to me while I am stuck in my World (which is my SICK head) and acting upon my emotions -- all that I feel.

He takes the boxes and puts them out of my environment. He comes back and proceeds to communicate with me. I wish not to do this or be touched and start to fight his gestures. Suddenly I let an ounce of my resistance go. Yah, that is what I did, I let go. He hugged me, was empathetic to all my emotions and irritability, and continued to hug me so tight. As he did I allowed myself to be in that very moment. I forgot about where I was at just seconds ago.

As he hugged I told him what I was feeling, and how I could not get CONTROL of my emotions. He suggested that maybe I need not to try so hard to control them. I may be creating disappointment for myself.

After this moment I was ok, at a much different place then I was only minutes ago. I was able to LET GO. I still feel like crap, runny and chapped nose from blowing every minute, sneezing and trying not to all over my monitors -- but I have a sense of calmness. What echoes in my head is how blessed I am to have this man in my life.

I love my Al-anon. I am not sure if I could do what he does. I know I can be a drunk, an alcoholic at best. He so simple, unselfish and giving and patient, like it comes so natural to him. I gotta work hard to get there, and them some! I seek to eliminate those feelings, they are so intense and over bearing. I found it in drinking, cutting and purging. Now, I am learning to find it in the simple things, like my experience this morning.

Thanks for listening. I love this community and everyone that post here. I love reading your blogs, learning about you and being inspired by your experiences. On that note, here are some pics of this wonderful man I am blessed to have in my life.

A week after our first date. This was at a club in Old Town Pasadena over 2 years ago. I just graduated from college, was offered a great job (which I would be fired from a year later due to my Dz) and fell in love. It was a true alcoholic meets al-anon beginning. Mitch told me he loved me this night (1st time). I, of course, out drank him and many of my normie friends here. I did not cross that line yet at this time, but I was venturing towards a true alcoholic.

Here is Mitch helping raise Budda and Asia. He is very nurturing. They are big monsters now and love to sleep on his chest at night.

Me, Trish (Mitch's mom), and Mitch. This was taken last night. Mitch and I went to dinner (I had to get out). When I was at Casa Mitch and Trish would bring me food (was fighting my bulimia then and was abstinent) and send me cards and letters. I had so much shame back then that I brought such ugliness into their lives. They loved me unconditionally, supported me, and did not leave me. I no longer carry the shame and guilt, but I can take myself to that place for a moment, because I CANNOT forget what is was like.

dont take this as some dumb male patronizing comment, but I really think I go through some goofy emotional "period like" cycles too.. I don't say that to diminish what you're goin thru, just to try and relate... I really don't enjoy the "dump crummies" but they do pass!