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March 26, 2012

Water Wings

I walk by the full-length mirror in the big kids' section, because that is where I buy all their clothes now, all four, no longer little kids with the T in the size. I walk by and I look like I'm wearing water wings where my upper arms should be. But that is my skin. It's been tank top weather and I was all, what the hey, and there they are. Keeping me afloat in Target.

I pass by and that's me, shopping for big kids clothes, with a cart and arms like that squishy rolly water snake thing you could get at Walgreens when I was a kid, for a dollar. I buy shorts for the boys that are 'smart' and 'on sale' and batteries and a birthday card and toothpaste and my favorite basil dish soap. And I'm actually kind of excited about my purchases.

I read books in search of a smidgeon of me. In characters so I can tuck it away and not have to write it myself. "There I am, that's me," I'll say, relieved, somewhere in my head.

Like Evelyn in Fried Green Tomatoes I'm too young to be old and too old to be young. Yet I've always felt this way, since I cried when I turned twelve because I didn't want to someday be thirteen. When I was still a teenager and moved to the city. And when I was still a teenager and moved back home. When I got married, when I had babies, and all that time since then and in between. When I always knew more than I thought I should and more than I let on and I want to recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I don't want to see where I've been or what I've been through or who I think I should be. I want to find me.

The part you wrote - "I read books in search of a smidgeon of me. In characters so I can tuck it away and not have to write it myself. "There I am, that's me," I'll say, relieved, somewhere in my head."- a light bulb moment for sure! I have always looked for Me in others and that is why I love reading all my fave blogs (like yours!) because I usually say, "There I am, that's me" and I am relieved too! I want to find me too!! Thank you for this post and starting this little flicker of an "aha moment" for me! :) XO

"I'm too young to be old and too old to be young." That is SO how I feel right now! That moment when you go from always being the youngest in the room to often being the oldest (and yet not old, just in my 30s). It's a weird, tough transition.

first of all, you have beautiful arms, but I loved the verbage of "this is me walking around Target with my arms keeping me afloat!" Smiles and giggles. Secondly, who am I? I'm not who I think I am, but I'm also not who you think I am.

So what does that make me?

A mom who still is working it out, screwing up all the time, and putting all my faith in Jesus.

Even though I've heard variations of you saying it before, it still puzzles me that you need to find you. I've had the pleasure of spending time in your company and--of all the people--I would have guessed you knew exactly who you were. That, of course, is an outside looking in view, and those are always maybe a little skewed. But still. You carry yourself as a girl (I hate to be called a woman) with strong convictions and lofty dreams and a faith uncommon. Maybe you're still looking. But definitely don't discount what you've already found. XO