Paste Jewels eBook

Here the trio endeavored to appear gracious, though
they were manifestly uneasy and a bit dissatisfied
with what John would have called “the luks of
t’ings.”

“Cook, from the 1st of January, may go to her
relatives, and stay until they’re every one
of them restored to health, if it takes forty years.
Mary may consider herself presented with sixty years’
vacation without pay; and for you, John, I have written
this letter of recommendation to the proprietors of
a large undertaking establishment in New York, who
will, I trust, engage you as a chief mourner, or perhaps
hearse-driver, for the balance of your days.
At any rate, you, too, after January 1st, may consider
yourself free to go to any funeral or militia exercises,
or anything else you may choose to honor with your
presence, at your own expense. You are all given
leave of absence without pay until further notice.
I wish you a merry Christmas. Good-morning.”

There were no farewells in the house that day; and
inasmuch as there was no Christmas dinner either,
Thaddeus and Bessie did not miss the service of the
waitress, who, when last seen, was walking airily off
towards the station, accompanied by the indignant John
and a bundle-laden cook. Next day their trunks
went also.

“It was rather a hard thing to do on Christmas
Day, Thaddeus,” said Bessie, a little later.

“Oh no,” quibbled Thaddeus. “It
was very easy under the circumstances, and quite appropriate.
This is the time of peace on earth and good-will
to men. The only way for us to have peace on
earth was to get rid of those two women; and as for
John, he has my good-will, now that he is no longer
in my employ.”

A STRANGE BANQUET

“Thaddeus,” said Bessie to her husband
as they sat at breakfast one morning, shortly after
the royal banquet over which “Grimmins”
had presided, “did you hear anything strange
in the house last night? Something like a footstep
in the hall?”

“No,” said Thaddeus. “I slept
like a top last night. I didn’t hear anything.
Did you?”

“I thought so,” said Bessie. “About
two o’clock I waked up with a start, and while
it may have been a sort of waking dream, I was almost
certain I heard a rustling sound out in the hall, and
immediately after a creaking on the stairs, as though
there was somebody there.”

“Well, why on earth didn’t you wake me,
Bess?” returned Thaddeus. “I could
easily have decided the matter by getting up and investigating.”

“That was why I didn’t wake you, Teddy.
I’d a great deal rather lose the silver or
anything else in the house a burglar might want than
have you hit on the head with a sand-club,” said
Bessie. “You men are too brave.”

“Thank you,” said Thaddeus, with a smile,
as he thought of a certain discussion he had had not
long before at the club, in which he and several other
brave men had reached the unanimous conclusion that
the best thing to do at dead of night, with burglars
in the house, was to crawl down under the bedclothes
and snore as loudly as possible. “Nevertheless,
my dear, you should have told me.”