The 6 Geekiest Sex Toys

#3. Avatar Fleshlight

Someone deserves the legal Nobel Prize for working out that you can call things "This Ain't THING IT BLATANTLY IS XXX."

Hustler (NSFW)I wish this was even nearly the weirdest porn the Internet has shown me.

That's the parody equivalent of splitting the atom: It's enormously powerful, and it makes everything that came before look silly. The fact that we even still have copyright courts when someone can paint themselves blue, write "Avatar" on the cover, and start screwing without getting sued is bizarre and confusing. Another combination of screwing the bizarre and confusing is the Avatar-themed "Alien" fleshlight.

Fleshlight.com

Fleshlights are polymer-filled flashlight tubes. I've got nothing against them, either physically or in mockery. If you're going to have sex with inanimate objects anyway, this is probably better than bulk-buying cotton socks. If people can spend an extra hundred dollars on a collector's edition of the Halo 3 helmet, I'm not going to mock anyone buying a cheaper tool for their tool. At least the fleshlighters are paying for something they can actually fit their head in and screwing something instead of being screwed.

MicrosoftHalo Legendary Edition comes with an entirely different type of helmet. (Also a different type of "comes.")

The crazy is when you remember that this is a product for people who want to pretend to have sex with alien cats and realize how they catered to that. James Cameron achieved it with a quarter of a billion dollars in special effects on a 22-meter screen. Fleshlight did it with blue dye in a 10-centimeter cock-socket. That's not attention to detail; that's a terrifying lack of imagination. If you're already pretending that a tube of plastic is an alien female from beyond the stars who is alive, biocompatible, and willing to use both of those facts on your penis, you really shouldn't need color-coding to keep that fantasy going. That's a worse failure of imagination than having a wet dream about pissing the bed.

Fleshlight.comApparently aliens are full of bubble wrap -- no wonder people want to poke them so much.

On the upside, the imaginary outside comes with a double clitoris. Whatever else you say about the alien Smurf pussy-prodders, at least they want their dicktubes to be happy.

#2. Dicks Beyond Your Wildest Dreams

It's well-known that the Internet is full of dicks, but that's not insulting the people in comments sections. Because these dicks are useful and women like them. I won't say that some of my best friends are dildos, but I know for a fact that a couple of my best friends' best friends' are dildos. And an army of online erotic engineers have realized that constructing artificial genitals and then sticking to the standard human design is like using virtual reality to simulate watching TV.

Getty"My God, it's like I'm really sitting on my ass with a screen in front of my eyes!"

Necronomicox Toys crafts the first to rise from the Stygian depths, only to descend to another Stygian depth (both related to nether regions): The "Mythos."

Necronomicox

It doesn't actually name Cthulhu, because:
a) you're really not meant to do that; that's the entire point of Lovecraft's stories.
b) the only thing more terrifying than the R'lyehian horrors from beyond sanity are the same horrors plus Earth lawyers.

If your mind can't encompass the full scale of the Mythos, it might not be the only thing. At 11 inches long and 2 inches across (not around -- across, and ouch), this thing is terrifying in entirely understandable and normal biological ways.

Strangely, the "Alien" dildo looks less like a penis than that movie's monsters.

For fantasy todger, there's Bad Dragon, as long as you understand that here "fantasy" doesn't mean "tall dark stranger," it means "giant humanoid dragons with terrifyingly anthropomorphized penii." It's sexual science fiction, using 3-D fabrication to print imaginary dragon dicks and selling them over a global computer network. It's about as Internetty as a company can get without selling routers. Every product even comes with a full story and truly terrifying fan art, and I do mean they come in both.

tojo the thief NSFWHonestly, you wouldn't even be able to tell which prong was his prong if it wasn't dripping.

#1. The Hammer

The Hammer is the most amazingly nerdy sex toy ever constructed. Someone realized that male and female electrical connectors have adapters and thought, "Why should they have all the fun?" It's an electronics project, light show, double-ended dildo, orifice adapter, and test-your-strength machine all in one (hole). And those fairground "Test Your Strength" games only display your manliness by implication.

GettyNothing phallic about this at all.

This one is a bit more direct about showing off your cybermanhood.

The Toymaker Project

But it uses the exact same ways to draw attention to itself: bright lights and flashing colors!

The Toymaker Project

The bulb measures your clenching strength, lighting the shaft from base to tip. (Using an Arduino system, for the electronics makers out there.) Higher intensity causes people to see brighter lights and swirling colors. Since the bulb can be inserted into any orifice, and the dildo section can be inserted into any orifice (that's what dildos are for), this genital converter has at least nine possible permutations and can work between two people of any combination of genders. If you think you've got a pair where it won't work, you're really not thinking hard enough. Or otherwise being hard enough. Either way, the Hammer can help with that. It's also the best possible response to anyone who wants to turn the lights off before sex.

In movies, the stereotypical sci-fi sexbot uses electronics to make it easier for men to screw women. This reverses that polarity. Just to max out the nerd quotient, inventor and demonstrator Kristen Stubbs of the Toymaker Project wears a Captain Hammer T-shirt while showing it off. But considering that she built a big electronic system designed to make everyone look at how big and brightly colored her dick is, she's really more of an Iron Man. This Toni Stark of sexuality said, "I wanted a glowing penis, so I built one."

That's a real problem-solving attitude: taking things in hand and enjoying them, even if you have to make them yourself.