How to Survive a Fight with a Zombie

flyergirl13 tells you how to fend off the undead using nothing but your wits. And your chainsaw. And your deadly roundhouse kick.—Sparkitors

You probably think you're ready for the zombie apocalypse; you've got detailed plans for hideout locations, the key to an emergency bunker in your grandpa's basement, and a long list of survival strategies you found on the internet. But everything I’ve read up on is either about preventing the zombies from finding you, or keeping them at bay. What happens when you’re stuck in hand-to-decaying-hand combat?

I don’t know anything about wrestling, boxing, or fighting in general, and if you do, forget everything you ever learned, because fighting a zombie is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. You need new tactics, and I'm here to give 'em to ya.

Step One: Use Any Weapons You Have. Yes, I know I said hand-to-hand, but in a fight like this, sometimes you've got to get creative. Anything is better than nothing.

DO: Invent a high-tech bazooka using nothing but the microthreads in your t-shirt and your own saliva. Make sure you do this in the couple of seconds before the zombie clutches its rotting hands around your throat.

DON’T: Use peanut butter. I know I said anything goes, but the Nerdfighters Apocalypse Survival Union has officially declared that peanut butter is of absolutely no use in defending oneself against zombies. So put down that Skippy’s, dude.

Step Two: Try to Escape: If your t-shirt-bazooka failed, your next step is to try to run away. I’m not sure how fast zombies can run (I think it depends on how many legs they have left) but you can always try.

DO: Bring a GPS, so it can tell you the best escape route in a sexy British accent.

DON’T: Try running away if a group of them have surrounded you. You could try to bust through them and knock them over, I guess, but there’s nothing grosser than having zombie guts on your favorite jeans.

Step Three: Play Dirty. You really don’t have much of a chance. Once they corner you, you’re done for. Use any tricks you’ve got to try to tip the scales in your favor.

DO: Use your brain. They don’t have one (that’s why they want yours) so that’s one area where you have the advantage.

DON’T: Play dirty if they’ve surrounded you. Zombies are big on fair fights, so if you use that hair-pulling-from-behind technique, they’ll cry foul and congeal on you.

Step Four: Accept Your Fate: There probably isn’t any way for you to beat a zombie in hand-to-hand fighting. I’m sorry. On the bright side, maybe it isn’t that bad to have your brain eaten by mutants.

DO: Curl into a fetal position and hope they mistake you for a rock.

DON’T: Try to talk it out through reasonable debate. They don’t understand you, so they’ll just get bored and eat your brains, right in the middle of your convincing point about the paradigm of an idyllic zombie-human relationship.