Dear Elizabeth Montgomery:

How's the afterlife treating you? I
am fine. Today I went swimming and ate chicken on a stick. But enough about my
summertime frolicking --- I thought someone should let you know that the
powers-that-be have gotten around to retooling Bewitched for the big screen. You're not going to like what they've
done, and neither will anyone else.

Rather than doing a full-on remake of
the revered TV show you starred in, director Nora Ephron decided to try a
little celluloid origami. In the film version of Bewitched, Jack Wyatt (Will Ferrell, clearly in over his head), a
movie actor on a downward slide, is tapped to star in an updated TV version of Bewitched. His search for an unknown to
play the role of Samantha leads him to Isabel (the profoundly overrated Nicole
Kidman), whose adept nose-wriggling stops him in his tracks.

Jack doesn't know it, but his
discovery actually makes for a perfect Samantha. In a case of art imitating
life, Isabel is a witch who has recently dropped into Los Angeles, Mary Poppins
style, to pursue her dream of living as a mortal. Her skirt-chasing father
(Michael Caine) often pops up --- literally --- to needle her about her new way
of life, but Isabel commits to the project because she's thoroughly smitten
with Jack's mortal ways (i.e., he's a train wreck).

If the plot sounds sort of confusing,
it is. Someone who has never seen TV Bewitched
might enjoy movie Bewitched, but
there may not be many people in that category since it's unclear whether the
movie's ad campaign extended to other planets or under rocks.

The rest of the movie unfolds exactly
as you would imagine, with misunderstandings, revelations, and appearances by
other beloved Bewitched characters
like the perpetually flummoxed Aunt Clara and the grating Uncle Arthur (played
by Steve Carell, one of The Daily Show's
three former fake newsmen in this movie). Sadly, however, no sign of Dr.
Bombay.

You're probably busy playing Boggle
with Cervantes, Randy Rhoads, and Darrin No. 2, but I'm bothering you with this
because your spirit looms large here. The film makes the mistake of showing
clips of your Samantha, who thoroughly outclasses Isabel (and Kidman, for that
matter) and reminds the audience why everyone remembers you so fondly. Samantha
is also the onscreen inspiration for Isabel, who wasn't allowed to watch Bewitched as a child (an affront to
witchery, according to her dad) but now basically operates under the philosophy
"WWSD?" (I can answer that: She would turn the master print of this film into a
toad).

Be warned that Kidman's take on a
witch coveting a mortal life will have you doing 360s in your pine box. I was
impressed, however, with her commitment to the role. DeNiro gained 50 pounds
for Raging Bull, Carrey uncapped his
tooth for Dumb and Dumber, and Kidman
apparently got a partial lobotomy in order to play the clueless Isabel. But
it's possible she was de-brained sometime earlier, which would explain a number
of things, including saying yes to this movie.

It's a shame, too, because on paper,
the cast of Bewitched is a formidable
roster, including Jason Schwartzman as Jack's unctuous agent and scene-stealing
Shirley MacLaine as the hammy has-been who plays Endora on the TV show. And why
would anyone hire David Alan Grier and not take full advantage of his David
Alan Grier-ness? Fines should be levied against Ephron for wasting this kind of
talent.

Another effective barometer to
indicate the quality of a film is the musical selections, which in Bewitched were as subtle as a
sledgehammer. The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" came barreling out of the
speakers after Isabel realized she had been hoodwinked, and REM's "Everybody
Hurts" was used to drive home the fact that someone on screen was sad. I'm not
kidding.

The one positive aspect to going to
see Bewitched was the five previews
preceding the feature (especially the trailer for Rent, which was downright rousing). On the off chance you're
currently haunting any Hollywood types, try to scare them into stringing
together two hours of movie previews and releasing that. A preview usually
contains a film's best scenes as well as the entire plot, and it would save us
all much time and money.

I don't normally take the time to hip
dead celebrities to the inevitably lackluster remakes of their TV shows, so if
the guy who played Boss Hogg is expecting a missive from me about the upcoming Dukes of Hazzard movie, please tell him
to go to hell, if he's not there already.