Saturday, July 28, 2012

Okay and
other cool point came with why I was participating in the overwhelmed/drudgery
character;

Since I
changed my daily activities to more focused, meaning instead of doing many
things a day bits at a time, instead to have one full day to be only one or two
projects.

What I found when I did the latter was I felt I was never finished,
because I was saying okay you have an hour to do DIP or your blog and then you
have to do that, then this, and that. WOW no wonder I was overwhelmed and
living as/in anxiety.

Like today was blogs and DIP – and that’s it
along with daily rating, and 2 scheduled chats . I actually feel like I have
accomplished something for the day, and my focus is not interrupted by looking
at the time and worrying about the next project for the day.

This is
also actually giving me the feeling of more flexibility, meaning I am getting
these things done because I am not worried about time – and I actually have
time to do other things on my list.

So for
example: Today I wrote 2 blogs! I worked clean up in the yard, I did ratings,
facebook, checked emails, I read Sunettes blog, made breakfast, worked on
transferring files to my new computer and I still have 7 hours left to work on
DIP assignment. What happened was
because my project for the day was blogs and Dip – I finished blogs without
feeling I had to rush and it was fun, I
allowed myself time to write without worry.

Though I
am seeing I still have resistance and want to distract myself at times – I can
not use the “Not Enough Time” excuse.
As that can be a valid excuse at times and my mind wanted to use that as a “ I
am confused point”/ where do I start, etc.

So I am
using a calendar on my computer ( free download) and plotting out my week activities. I check it
many times a day to keep focused, and so far I can sometimes even get another scheduled
days project started. I also give myself the permission to rearrange the calendar as
I find what is most practical.

It looks something like this: ( I am taking a 30 credit course this fall- and I have decided to start on it 2 months before the course starts, so it will lessen the hours per week I need to do.)

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Another point I am seeing is that I want to do TONS of
things! And than what happens is I get overwhelmed in the idea of How can I do
ALL of this _ I want to do it ALL NOW! And then the reality comes – that I CAN
NOT DO IT ALL RIGHT AWAY, and I get depressed and just STOP – Thus this is what
Bernard has meant and has been saying all along – You can only do ONE BREATH AT
A TIME !

I was talking to my brother about this – the idea of a “kink”
in the flow of doing something and then wanting to stop – that it was like an interruption
of the “mind” energy flow. He mentioned something like this >

Inspiration is a believe of a better future – physiological
time is the problem

As long as you don’t have future you don’t have a problem.

I said “We are the walking dead because we want to secure a
future.” In other words we are always in our Mind in an illusionay future that
has really been programmed for us. For example; if you do this you will get
that. Like if you buy this makeup or wear these clothes or perfume you will get
your mate and be successful.

“If we’d spend as much time in reality, as we do in our
Minds and really working together with ACTUAL PEOPLE in
conversations/communications, rather than the extent to which we talk to
ourselves in our thoughts/backchat, spending as much time giving attention to
solutions in this PHYSICAL WORLD that consider/regard all equally as one,
rather than spending the time on giving attention to our own interests of
wants, needs and desires: This world could have been an entirely different
scenario than what we’re facing now.”

I am in the future/mind
if I am not HERE

What my anxiety was about within the drudgery character was
I was focused on a “future” – I was envisioning my future with wanting to get
all of these things done – worried about myself in THE FUTURE – THUS WANTING TO
PROTECT MY FUTURE WHICH CAN ONLY BE AN ILLUSION IN PHYSIOLOGICAL TIME.

So the “kink” would stop me because I was worrying about the
future as mind/thoughts/projections.

Another point that came up this morning was that I have many
different things to do and I wanted to do a bit of all of them in one day – but
what was happening is I was worried about the time – like you can only spend so
much time with this, then move onto that, then only so much time for that, then
move onto the next. Well what that was doing was creating anxiety for the whole
day, because I was thinking of ALL these
different things I had to complete for the day.

I decided to change
that set up. I will now devote one whole day to one or two projects instead
of many projects for the day– then I will not worry about the time. An example:
two full days for College work instead of 2-3 hrs each day, and two full days
for Blogs and DIP Within this will be daily rating support for
fellow .DestoniansThe other days will be home/land maintenance, reading blogs,
etc. I will see how this works; so far
already it feels good, meaning I do not have anxiety or overwhelmness because I
have the most of the whole day to complete a project.

This is seems like a way to trick the mind out of worry for
now – just to break the cycle. We will see.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I have been Possessed with this! It was very frightening and
mentally painful.

I had NO “inspiration to want to do anything – every thing I
did was pushed as I was mentally kicking and screaming in my mind about it. I
kept wanting to sleep because I was mentally exhausting myself with constant
backchat. It would not stop – all I could do was push through and keep moving.
Today “feels” better, and that means I am inspired…

But what is this idea of being inspired that I have
manifested into my life and body to do things. Inspired to me meant – I want to
do it. I have the energy to do it because my mind agrees lol.

Thing is I do this often – The polarity swings of what seems
to be inspiration and then feeling like dead weight. When I feel the inspiration
– I feel mentally and physically supported to do things. But it is like… I have
no control over this feeling – I have to “wait” for it- it just comes after
awhile, after the mental battle.

So Inspiration = my mind agrees – Thing is there is no
Reason for this, meaning I - my beings wants to do things and enjoy it – But out
of know where it seems comes the battle with my mind… there has got to be
trigger points here for me – that cause this.

It is like I have to trick the mind into believing that I
want to do these things – I have to make it fun somehow, or worthy or validated
that I am enjoying doing…Very interesting.

So I have to telling my mind I am enjoying doing things so
what I am doing is not painful. BUT – I just woke up today with inspiration…hmmm…
I can’t recall yet what I told myself or even if I did tell myself something to
change the drudgery character.

I really miss having
fun – or my mind thinking I am having fun – it felt like I was dieing to Life
when I felt everything was drudgery.

Definition of DRUDGERY

So as I write this and investigate my
thinking, what I saw is I am retraining my thinking to “Hey – I want to do this”.
I don’t really have a story, like this is good for you, or you will be a better
person for doing this – It is just – HEY Mind I want to do this. Lol

I think it was because I had an idea in my
mind ideas about work, play, rest, and how it should be. We have been deconstructing
the postponement character on weekly Desteni chats as a group. So what I think
happened is that I was exposing my backchat, and thus it became greater at
first.

I have to admit that to finally wake up and embrace the day after
what seemed like a long time to instead dread it felt good – felt like I could breathe.

We will see how it goes. I will watch for triggers that put
me a drudgery spin.

One I just saw was, when there comes up obstacles to what I
am doing. I saw myself tighten up physically – physical resistance to the
thought “there is a problem”, ah I was seeing the obstacle as a problem and
thus immediately had resistance to continue because “thing” stopped flowing.

So what does stop flowing mean to me? It means what I was
doing has a kink – the flow stops the mind gets upset and then I think this is
drudgery/frustrating. BUT what I am seeing is the mind gets pissed because when
I flow with inspiration I FEEL HIGH – and the KINK STOPS THE HIGH! SHIT – that is it.

So what to watch out for is the KINKs in the flow as the
trigger point to go into drudgery.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
BE/LIVE in the idea that doing the same thing over and over is beneath me, that
I was placing myself as a person who “should” be above repetitious work, thus
as I am writing this I am seeing that I believed that I should be in Gods/ or
some higher something favor, and thus this made me angry in the way that why is
“God” doing this to me. I should be free from menial labor. Lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
live in a world in my mind of fantasy and hope of a better place in a future
instead to be Here in the present with me and LIFE, thus indicating that I be/lived
that have no say so or power in the reality I am creating/ thus believing I am
a victim of my circumstances and living in HOPE that someone/something out
there has the responsibility to change life.

Thus within this I forgive myself that I have not understood
by holding onto this belief that I have been abdicating responsibly for life and
that this is one of the programmed belief system that has been responsible for
us never evolving out of greed, wars, and abuse because we have been WAITING for something/someone/God to
make this changes for us, and seeing that if WE WANT TO CHANGE WE HAVE TO DO
IT, otherwise there is no FREE WILL.

Self Corrective
Statements (SCS)

When and if I see myself going into frustration or
resentment when having to do repetitious work, I stop and breath and realize
that this does not diminish who I am/ that this was just away to want to feel superior
in a believe I was inferior and realize repetitious work is part of life and as
such does not diminish, but support life.

Life should be fun
and not work – and

I want to do
something I want to do now that feels good or fun for me

This statement is similar to “There should be more to life than doing the same thing all the time”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate
me into a mind fuck of polarity of fun and not fun, labeling work as not fun because it is something seen as “ I have
to do it” thus feeling/believing that I am forced as a victim to work. Where in
reality there is work I like to do. So to clarify – it is not work completely
that I do not like. It is simply doing something that I rather not do at that
time, because I want to do something else I had in mind – thus being totally
directed by my emotions/feelings and thoughts that this would be more fun right
now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that my total goal in life is to have fun – that is what “God” wanted –
yet within this believe I have been living in self interest and not what is
best for All – as I was only interested in my fun and not seeing or realizing
that living in away that does not consider All of life – means you can not be
Life As All as One as Equal. And as I am going through this process of learning Self direction instead of programmed
ego/emotional direction, that I have more self worth and self love and interest
for All than I ever had before.

SCS

When and if I go into backchat in my mind of “live should be
fun – not work”, I stop – breath and realize that my idea of “fun” was programmed
as self interest and not supportive to
Life as what is best for ALL, thus making me separate from what is actually
HERE, and actually ME and Living
practically, thus I was not seeing/living true LIFE but living in a fantasy world within my mind.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Here I am writing
different backchat that comes up during the day regarding the postponement
character.

There should be more to life than doing the same thing all
the time

Life should be fun and not work

I am tired

My body hurts when I sit too much

I don’t want to do this

I need to get other things done

I have too much to do already

I don’t know where to start because I have so much to do

I am TIRED (I see I get tired when I think of all that needs
doing)

I want to do something I want to do now that feels good or
fun for me

How am I going to get this all done

I am afraid that I have too much to do, how will I get it
all done/overwhelmed

(realization – when
and if I start to get overwhelmed I realize all I need to do is look at my list
for the day and understand that I always do get done what I need to and that it
is the future projection of fear that I wont get it done that causes me to then
get overwhelmed and then tired. When I make my list and follow it – I always
get things done. It is the fear that wont is what is causing the postponement)

·I forgive myself that I
havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how we as
humanity have been conditioned to powerlessness, apathy in our individual
relationship to existence- and how this manifest in me facing myself as the mind,
where I see me as insignifcant in relation to my mind and so in moments where I
am facing me as the mind, instead of realisng th emind is me, I am simply
facing me, I make it more than what

Sunette>it is/overwhelming which
then cause me in moments to so quickly give up/give in and manipulate myself
with 'i don't know' than pushing myself to equalise me with myself and my mind
as me\

·Sunette>I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see,
realise and understand how - every human being accept and allow this
manipulation in relation to the world/humanity of 'i don't know what to do' in
how to change the world, but no one ever really investigated/put the effort in
in really going deep into how things really work, that we don't want to put the
effort in, as we do in our relationship with the mind, putting the effort in in
getting to know how it works to so change ourselves as the mind, as we had
become so used to having things instantaneously - in this:

·I forgive myself that I
haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that walking
/ putting in the effort and discpline into and as my relationship with me as
the mind - is a step by step, seemingly 'menial process', but this is how I
created me as the mind in the first place and so will take an equal and one
process to change it, thus I commit myself to no more accept/allow the i don't
know character/i don't want to see character to manipulate myself with, but to
walk through the resistance and take that moment and really investigate/get to
know me, so that I can change me, not only for me, but all as me and how that
one menial point of pushing through he resistance/i don't know character is
another step I take for me as all as me.

·<Sunette>I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see,
realise and understand - how, me accepting and allowing myself to go into the i
don't know character, the i don't want to see - I am in that moment, actually
accepting and allowing myself to go into HOPE, holding onto the HOPE of there
one day magically arriving a miracle cure for humanity so that I don't have to
walk the process - believing that, if I wait for others, their

<Sunette>process will save me and
so I don't really have to do much, not seeing/realising/understanding that no
individual human being can change another, and self will decide whether self
will be part of this process of birthing life from the physical or not, it is
each one's individual process and decision, and so

I commit myself to no more accepting and
allowing myself to hold onto hope - as I see, realse and understand that with
walking the mind as I have thus far, there is no other way human beings will
change but taking responsibility for ourselves in walking the detail of the
mind as ourselves into living correction

Thursday, July 19, 2012

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing
myself to judge others for what they are or are not doing and how they should
be doing it.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing
myself to become annoyed with others because they are not doing what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing
myself to become annoyed at others when they do not listen to me or agree with
me, and within this I am wanting to be seen as being right and then thus I
judge others for being wrong.

When I became annoyed it was I felt I was not being listened
too, because I wanted to be right and I wanted to be heard – I wanted to be
validated for what I “know”.

Lol! It was the same thing that I wanted to tell my friend “SHE”
was doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
become the annoyed character because I wanted validation that I “know”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
become annoyed when I thought someone was not listening and agreeing to what I
am saying because I was wanting to feel superior in “my knowledge” thus not
being present within the moment as a conversation.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing
myself to believe that I needed to be heard and acknowledge for my point of
view to feel good about who I am, when in reality I really did not feel good
because I was in separation as the polarity of right and wrong, thus no one is
a winner or loser.

I forgive myself that I did not/was not seeing what I was
accepted and allowing as I became annoyed at others and that I was living as
judgment polarity of right and wrong.

Self Corrective Statements.

When and if I see myself becoming annoyed towards someone
whom I am speaking to or thinking about in my head – I Stop those thoughts of judgment
and blame (Like they don’t get it, they should know better, they should agree with
me) I stop, breath an become present here and realize I am wanting to support
an illusion of me needing to be better than another to validate my existence as
someone who is worthy to be here, worthy of existence through the believe in competition
as survival, thus the believe that I will not survive/die unless I win.

I commit myself to stopped living the annoyed
character as this is not LIFE but an illusionary thought process in the mind,
meaning it is not real and does not support Living and Live but takes away from
life in that if one is always in their mind planning and articulating words to
come out better than another, this supports separation and not Oneness – thus abuse
persists and prevails.

When and if I see myself going into a defensive
mode/character of wanting to be right, or wanting to explain my point of view –
I stop those thoughts, breath and become present HERE in awareness of what I am
doing and I understand this is the believe that I needed to validate myself as
a person who is not wrong, because I had the fear of being wrong as punishment
and as a death of me. Thus I was fearing the death of me (could also be seen as
a symbolic death of my ego, as the ego lives in and as polarity) and I realize that
I am still here without having to be right or wrong and that I now no long
accepted and allow myself to live in this illusionary: ill- losing fear of
losing. If you lose you do not win and you die.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

I can start with an example that just unfolded. I was
blaming my brother for 9 years for not supporting me when I found a house that
I thought I could afford monthly payments on. I wanted him to co-sign a loan
for me. Instead he said he could buy it outright and move in. We were going to
share ownership – him getting his full money back if sold and any expenses he
put into the houses, and I was to pay for all the bills, like insurance
electric phone. And then if sold we would split what was left. Long story
short, he now has the house and I have never forgiven him for it.

I did 2 days of investigating this within myself when I was
confronted that I have not let go of the house and I think I am entitled to
what my brother has, and that I am lying about what went on and may other
accusations. I am glad I was confronted with this because I saw yes – I still
have issues about the house. I have been pretending to MYSELF that I had let it
go – but others were seeing the truth – that I hadn’t and for some reason I did
not want to admit it. When I found the reason, and it is, I have been angry and
jealous that my brother had the money to buy the house, and angry that he did
not see it to support me to get a house of my own – and I have been holding
onto this for 9 years!!! Geee…

What I came to see within me was that – I wanted to let it
go – but I had an emotional memory attached to it that I was suppressing/not
wanting to admit. It was not that I wanted what my brother has, but it is I
felt that he should of or should have wanted to support me in getting a house
of my own because he could. Now that I look at it –why should he? He does not
owe me that.

.

Bottom line is I wanted a house that I could own – and I am
pissed that it did not happen, and I was blaming him.

So the part about being right – I did not want to admit that
my brother did not own me anything, and I wanted to be right in that I thought
he took advantage of me. I was being the victim of not being supported by him.
And within that I have been carrying resentment, spite and blame towards him.

The memory that kept
playing in my head and kept getting triggered
was thinking he owed me the support because I was the one who spent 5 months to
find a home. This was my excuse to be angry; I found the house and it was supposes
to be mine and I wanted him to see that – that I was believing I had lost
something I thought was suppose to be mine – thus “wanting to be right”. What I
am angry at myself for is I did not want to own a house with him but I allowed myself
to be talked into it and I was not truthful about how I felt. I am seeing now
it would have been better to be honest and not take the house then to go into
it with resentment to start with! So I have been using him to blame for MY
CHOICES. How could he have known what I was feeling if I did not have the
courage to tell him.

I forgive myself that I have not seen that I have been
accepting and allowing myself for all these years to be angry at Rob for not
supporting me to get a house of my own

I forgive myself that I have been finding ways to not see
this clearly and making up all kinds of other excuse to blame him, when all
said and done it is I was really angry at him for not supporting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not see this until now and thus I have been harboring anger and blame towards
Rob for not supporting me to have a house of my own.

I forgive myself that I have been holding onto this blame
and anger for all this time, thus within that I have caused stress for myself
and others.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to live
in a memory feeling picture of a past experience that I have not seen
or understood until now that has been affecting me and those around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not realize that I have been

deceiving myself into
thinking a person owes me something, and thus within this I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to cause harm through deceitfulness disguised
as wanting to being right thus hiding from myself that I was a accepting and
allowing myself to be a victim, and with in that using the excuse of blame,
anger and spite towards another for how I was feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not realize that I was hanging onto the idea/belief that I was right so that I
could hold onto this anger and blame toward another so I can be right, instead
to take responsibly to see my own feelings and emotions and understand that all
emotions and feelings are within myself and not caused my another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear confrontation, and within this I have allowed unresolved issues to fester
as blame, judgment, gossip and backchat within myself instead to face what is
really going on within me out of fear of the reactions from another.

I have fear of confrontations because I have been
unresourceful in conveying my feelings as I see now it is because I did not
know or understand how to talk to someone that has a different idea than me as
I would see it as they are wrong and I am right attitude and hold this within
myself and it would most always let to heated arguments and even sometime
physical anger.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to not know or understand that started at a young age that I
thought/believed one had to be right or wrong within different ideas, thus
causing defensiveness within expressing feelings and that I have had this so
ingrained within myself that I now see that my fear of confrontation is really
that I believed someone had to be right and someone had to be wrong. Thus MY
STARTING POINT is one of confrontation.

I always believed I
was going to get attacked for saying what I was feeling or thinking – but now I
see why – My starting point was to confront – to; con-be the one in front.
Meaning I had to be the one right. Because if I was not “right” that meant I
was WRONG!

Thus the desire, defensiveness, manipulations, deceitfulness
to avoid the truth is all so one does not have to be WRONG. It is like the fear
to be wrong had made the dangerous opposite worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that being wrong is bad and within this I have lived and breathed the
desire to be right so much that I have not even seen that it is my reason to be
and live because I had a fear of punishment I thought/believed I would receive if
I was wrong. Wow – I thought/believed I will be punished if I am wrong. Okay
now this is going into a different direction

Why is it so hard to see when you are wrong – Why do we fear
being wrong – Why do we fight to be right?

Because we fear being punished if we are wrong!

Why do I want to be liked? Because I fear I did something
wrong if not liked and if not liked I can be punished

So fear of being punished? What does punished mean to me?

Punishment is the authoritative imposition of something
negative or unpleasant on a person, animal,
organization or entity in response to behavior deemed unacceptable by an
individual, group or other entity.The authority may be either a
group or a single person, and punishment may be carried out formally under a
system of law or informally in other kinds of social
settings such as within a family

So Punishment means response to behavior deemed unacceptable by an
individual, group or other entitySo I
have been believing that if I am wrong – it is deemed unacceptable.

I saw a show the other day, and two people were discussing
things that were going on.

One person said something about a subject and the other one
said, that is not what happened it happened this way. And the first person
said, “Oh I stand corrected.”

This really stuck with me, because I though how cool they
can “stand corrected” without a fuss or argument about who is right or who is
wrong.

Friday, July 6, 2012

We at Desteni have 4 online group chats weekly where we discuss self honesty and this was a question someone asked.

Question:What is the root of annoyance, I become annoyed at people very easily,
impatient as well...
Anu: Annoyance; when you've had backchat in your mind towards people where
you have won and they have lost, and then you manifest annoyance towards them
as your armor of protecting your 'i was right and you were wrong'

I saw myself doing this yesterday towards people in my mind
- and it is true I was having a conversation in my head about “why don’t they
do this, it would be better for them, they are not taking responsibly and I
know how they can but they don’t think I am right about this or they don’t want
to do it and I am annoyed at them because I am right and they are wrong. lol!

This is very interesting - because to me I have something
that is working for me and I believe it would work for everyone if they did it.
So I do judge them for not doing it - because I am doing it, and it is hard
work, so I am better than them because I am doing it. But I really don’t feel
that way - I don’t feel better than them - I feel what is the point talking
about your shit if you wont look at yourself as to why. Thus the annoyance is I
cannot be equal to you in conversation because you choose to be a victim to
your personality characters.

So it is more like I want to be equal with them, but they
are not allowing it, is how I feel.

But it is all about me so I have to figure out this one or I
separate myself from people.

Ah maybe just ask them how do being like that or thinking
like that make you feel?

What I can say to my friend - “You feel separate from people
because you want people to like you - when you tell someone something you want
to feel like you are rewarded for your information that you have given, thus
you want something from others. So if you do not get a response from someone
that gives you a feeling of validation you go into judgment and then that turns
into fear to approach someone. It is the fear you will not get validated. And
then one will go into go into backchat in their mind about how they are right
and the other one is wrong. Thus the internal struggle and abuse.”

I just saw as I am sitting here writing that when and if and
when I see myself going into annoyance towards another because I see they are
in victim mode that I can stop and BREATH and become present HERE as THEM as ME
and realizing that I do this ( what they do to myself) and within that I can
possibly offer some insight instead to judge and feel annoyed.

Opps - I just saw that I don’t want to have to be bothered
to give them insight!

Shit - now what is that about…as I thought about this I went
into annoyance again as backchat.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Within our deliberate conscious awareness we as the Desteni group are looking at and debunking our

characters that we have accepted and allowed to run our life's. Link below provide support.

The I don’t want to do it Character

I would say at this point this is the most frequent backchat
voice that I encounter.

It is always there everyday for most anything. I will set up
my goals for the day, or I have set it up the previous day, these are things I
need to do at this time to practically create stability in my life. The goals
include things like getting my business going so I can have an income, Desteni
support and SRA or projects needing done for my living environment. When I set
up my goals for the next day of what I want to accomplish I am happy about it
and many times I “seem” to look forward to it.

Then the next day comes and I get out of bed - I make coffee
as the computer boots up and I am ready to start right away… then resistance
comes. I don’t want to do this - I am tired of doing this. To me being tired of
doing something is because I feel I have already done it and the “I don’t
like repetitious stuff character” comes out as the excuse.

Ah… meaning I feel I am not living unless I am doing
something new or different - hm and that is not even true. It is more like I
need energetic energy mindset that says hey this will be fun. So I need the
idea of it being fun to move me.

And you know what - that type of energy comes and goes. I
say that because one day I am “up” to doing these things and I am having fun.
Then the next day it feels like I am in molasses trying to move, - the mind
energy stimulation of this will be fun is not there. So it vacillates- just
like energy is supposed to. The swing, positive to negative.

It is interesting to note that it feels painful to do
something I do not want to do. A mental pain of battle between I know I should
do this - to I don’t want to do this. It has been exhausting at times.

This is from Sunette
during one of our chats:

<Sunette> "I
have to stop my thoughts" - character - it's a character because "I
HAVE to stop MY thoughts" - then there's an I and a My and a "have
to" - in this character, does one then ever really stop thoughts? The
difference between character and Here, is a doing/living action in the moment,
so whenever there is a statement instead of immediate application: you're
creating a character

<Sunette> "I
can't stop my thoughts" - character - so now you're in this character of
"I can't stop my thoughts" giving yourself in your living the
instruction - uploading the memory into your mainframe and "voila"
there you as the character of "I can't stop my thoughts" don't stop
thoughts.

Ah I just saw something else. My land mate just came over to
give me a hose nozzle to try for the chicken yard when I “have the time”, she
had to go to work. I just saw my backchat - it was anger that she keeps telling
me of things that need done - so I feel I have to do them. And I think gee -
doesn’t she know how much stuff I need to get done already?!! So what I am
doing here was projecting my anger on what I need to do at her, because I feel
I am already procrastinating on the things I need to do for myself.

I forgive myself that I had not seen that I was projecting
my anger of my own procrastination onto another that wants me to do something
instead to see and take responsibly for seeing that anger was really at myself.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing
myself to believe that I need energy to move me by having a fantasy of
something being fun to create the movement.

I just saw now in my writing above that in a way I am
trying to validate the “I don’t want to do this character”, by
understanding it - but the problem is - just by understanding it does not
mean it will stop.

Thus when and if I see the “I don’t want to do this
character” coming out - I Stop - I breath and realize this a pattern mcs that I
have been accepting and allowing to be “valid”. Thus by accepting it to be
valid I have been believing it to be a truth of who and what I am. I now see
and understand that it is ME who is allowing this and thus it is Me that can
stop it.

Thus when and if I see this “ I don’t want to do this
character” coming out I Stop and breath, become present Here and move myself.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing the mind
backchat that tells me I do not want to move. That I do not want to do what
needs to be done to follow my plan.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing the mind
backchat to come up with tons of bullshit excuses to not move and they make no
sense except like a rebellion just to have one - just… I cannot even validate
an excuse because I have followed them all before and they lead to just circles
of mind shit that have nothing to do with Life.

The backchat is I want to do something “fun” not what I
“have” to do. Yet I cannot even think what would be fun - so it is like a
temper tantrum feeling. Fun can be in any moment. Anyway it is just this
feeling like no- I just don’t want too. lol!

So I see - it is a mental temper tantrum that has got
nothing to do with anything except just to have it. Like some sort of control
through being stubborn.

I forgive myself that I am addicted to waiting for energy to
move me thinking that…. hm I did not know what to write here - I could not see
the point of resistance. Later that day I read the group chats from the day
before and I saw this;

From chat: Response to persons question: I'd
say what you're experiencing is more in relation to in a way 'knowing' that
there is more to self/life than what one is walking at the moment - though
don't manipulate yourself with this point in creating a depression, rather use
it as a motivation for self - so, same application applies, stop the backchat
in your relationship to your job.

I thought ahh --This is what I am doing.

The resistance is coming from frustration of wanting to move
on - I get frustrated with what I think is repetition of a chore or action. I
feel - okay I have done that - I want to move on - I want more different experiences.
Thus this is the energy addiction I have. I am labeling different experiences
as movement because they cause energy “high”.

Thank you Andrew for posting your question

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
use the phrase “there is more to life than doing this same thing over and over”
as an excuse to stop movement by going into self-pity and depression.

Thus I forgive
myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into depression
where I can not move because I believe that doing something repetitious,
where I get bored is beneath me, that it is not life and I should be doing
something “greater”. But what I am really wanting is the energetic highs from
new distractions and all this is going on in my mind, as I am Not Here but
somewhere else in fantasy.

Thus I forgive myself that I have been accepting and
allowing the idea that there is more to life than what I am doing now to stop
me from Life as an pattern of frustration and self pity where within this I can
not move - I do not move because of the emotional pattern of believing that
life should be more cause me to feel less than what is here because I want to
be more than what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that chasing energetic highs is life and thus when I do repetitious
things I feel less than life because there is no more “energetic high” feeling.

Thus when I see myself go into frustration when having
to do repetitious things I stop and see it is a programmed pattern believe that
life is some where else thus keeping me from being present within HERE, as a believe
that there is always something better that I should be doing and I move myself
.

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"As one write self-forgiveness, self-forgiveness is the action of the decision made by self to take responsibility for self, and in taking/giving/gifting self with that responsibility – one become equal-to and one with the “problem”/consequence creation, making the statement: “I am taking responsibility for this problem/consequence creation as me”. In being/becoming the “problem”/consequence creation one will as the “problem”/creation see/find/realise the Solution." Sunette Destonian Spies

This is how we can purify ourselves in 7yrs to become a life worth living that is best for all of life. We take responsible for what we are thinking, and the very act of writing everyday is a way to assist in self disciple of directing our thoughts instead to let emotions, fears and the personality direct us, as we move to a supportive nature towards all mankind.