Thursday, November 7, 2013

BYU

I am LOVING the clash of cultures we're gonna experience this weekend. On the one hand:

And on the OTHER hand?

Trust me; my undying love for chocolate milk is leaving me very conflicted right now. But my point still stands: when BYU and their weird fans travel to Madison this weekend, we'll be meshing the most straight-edge group of people in America with a population RENOWNED for their drinking prowess. Well, I'm assuming that all BYU fans are that sober and weird. Perhaps we should fire up the Wikipedia machine and find out the TRUTH.THE BYU HONOR CODE IS REAL... AND IT'S SPECTACULAR. SPECTACULARLY TERRIBLE.All students and faculty at BYU MUST adhere to their honor code:

No boning unless you're married (don't worry! 50% of BYU grads are married)

NO GAY STUFF (the gay is contagious - last thing the Mormons can afford is a big old GAY outbreak)

No swearing (I would be a bad Mormon)

No guns (pretty sure they're talking about NERF guns)

And then there's the dress code.Skirts to the knees. Sleeves on all shirts. No facial hair. Got something form fitting and strapless? BURN IT WITH THE BONES OF NON-BELIEVERS.Well, being a student at BYU just sounds like a bundle of joy.NOTABLE BYU ALUMNIMitt Romeny, Founder of Bain Capital, Awful Presidential Candidate. Color me disappointed in the lack of 'Mitt Romney wearing mittens' pictures on the internet:

Ken Jennings, Jeopardy! champion forever. KenJen is probably the coolest Mormon in the world. I love me some KenJen. He knows EVERYTHING, which is probably some kind of BYU Honor Code violation. If you've never watched (well, listened) to Jennings on the Howard Stern Show, you should clear our 30 minutes sometime and give it a spin.Stephenie Meyer, author of the Twilight series. Alright, this one is baffling. Books about vampires having premarital sex should be BURNED in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Instead, Stephenie is making $50 million every year selling her inter-species sexcapades to every little horny teenager in the world. THEORY: Mormons have to give 10% of their income to the Church; therefore, Meyer is allowed to violate the honor code's face off due to her massive obligatory donation. I love calling it an obligatory donation.Devin Durrant, former All-American and professional basketball player. This is legitimately the first thing you see when you go to Devin Durrant's Wikipedia page:

I've figured out my big problem in life: there's no rich and famous Branden Rifken out there for me to piggyback to stardom. Devin Durrant probably gets more internet love than any NBA flameout you can think of, simply because his name is obnoxiously close to Kevin Durant. Genius.FIRST PERSON ACCOUNTS OF LIFE IN UTAHYou can't fully trust the internet. Maybe the BYU Wikipedia page was hacked by EVIL MONOGAMISTS. To be sure, I reached out to some friends who either grew up in Utah, or currently live there.From someone who grew up in Utah:

BYU is located in Provo, UT where they have one (maybe two) bars (and they dont allow any fun to happen here)

BYU does not allow any caffeine on their campus. Stimulants such as caffeine are prohibited by the mormon religion so they fill vending machines with diet, non-caffeine drinks (like the gold coke cans). A few months ago, a vending person accidentally put coke in the machine and it sold out within minutes of someone finding out

I thought about painting a picture depicting this, but I don't wanna prevent anyone from visualizing one Mormon seeing that red can and bashing their head through the glass like a bull bearing down on a matador.

Utah has numerous drinking laws to cut down on drinking. These are with purchasing and bar laws that to most people are pretty crazy. To get around such laws and buy stuff like kegs and everclear, we drive to Evanston, Wyoming and have to smuggle them into the state

Giving Everclear to a bunch of people who don't get to drink much, what could possibly go wrong.

We are known for the "Greatest Snow on Earth" and our license plates read that. You can look up climate reasons for why our snow is so soft and dry. It has to do with our lake. The great salt lake is one of the saltiest lakes in the world. It is actually an eye-sore as it is hideous, smells horrible, and useless when it comes to recreation.

A true national treasure!From a Badger currently living in Utah:

Also the coffee vs tea vs soda hole... Mormons aren't allowed to have coffee or tea but can drink soda (I think it's kind of like turkey bacon for Jews... If you're super religious you don't eat/drink it). My roommate has a supervisor (not Mormon) who brought brownies to a potluck 4 years ago (when she was new to the area). Everyone looooved the brownies and someone asked this doc what was her secret ingredient, to which she responded "coffee grounds." Apparently everyone started spitting out the brownies, and a few people even went to the bathroom and made themselves throw up the brownies. The woman (4 years later) STILL is shunned at lunch tables and everyone talks shit about her (kid you not).

Sometimes Mormonland is nice... The mountains are gorgeous But... the liquor laws are insane. State owned stores, plus only beer at the grocery stores. Not every restaurant has a full bar and they use fancy contraptions to make sure only one shot is poured at a time. You can't get more than a 4% beer on tap and last call is at 1:15. My coworker told me to "be careful" when I went to the liquor store because "people always get stabbed in the parking lot." It's tough being a sconnie here.

That's not even America.

Also "soaking" is a great topic to delve into, if you haven't already... Some big BYU bball star got suspended for it a few years ago.

"Baby, we ain't gonna do nothin to get us in trouble. Let's just soak a little...'

#UTAH #MORMONS #IWOULDBEATERRIBLEMORMONPS - That Seinfeld clip was NOWHERE to be found on in the internet. I downloaded the episode, downloaded a program to trim that clip out, and uploaded it to YouTube ALL BY MYSELF.

CHICAGO BADGERS: I'm heading up to Madison, so you're on your own and who are you kidding you're going to Will's, let's end the charade.DO YOU HAVE A GENTLE HEART AND A KIND SOUL? It's that time again: MOVEMBER IS UPON US. Like last year, I will be growing out a terrible attempt at a mustache to raise money for the war against prostate and testicular cancer. When I say 'terrible', what do I mean? Well, how about a guy with brown hair everywhere except for his mustache?

Still not convinced? How about a picture of me and Blondie playing a little one on one:

STRONG POST PRESENCE

With that said, here's another link to my page. Any amount is incredibly appreciated, and you'll sleep better knowing you threw $10 at a great cause instead of buying 4 Cheesy Gordita Crunches. Do you wanna beat cancer or be fat? Pretty easy choice.DON'T FORGET TO SPREAD THE BP LOVE: Shoot me any referrals, share it on Facebook, tweet the shit out of it... whatever you gotta do. Don't keep your friends in the dark. There's even a handy spot to sign up for the email list towards the top of this page!

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: ESPN
WEATHER: 40'S, CLOUDY, WINDY, TYPICALLY I'D SAY BEING AN INDEPENDENT IS A DICKHEAD MOVE, BUT WHO THE FUCK WOULD BYU FIT IN WITH?

THE ULTIMATE MADISON BUCKET LIST

4) Road trip with your friends to an away football game

The road to Ohio is paved with Rapers

Is it cheating to include an activity that doesn't even take place in Madison? Don't care. Without question, some of my favorite weekends as a student were spent piling into someone's car to explore the Midwest and get blacked out on a different campus. ROAD TRIP POWER RANKINGS:

Indiana. I think I'm cheating again because I never actually went to a football game in Bloomington. But after multiple visits, a lost ID, two trips to the ER, an illegally set-off fire extinguisher, and a near-death accident on the highway, I can safely say that visiting IU was always a good time. You get the joy of experiencing a new college town without the stress of worrying about the game. Win/win. ADDED BONUS: KFC Buffets are available on the drive between Madison and IU.

Iowa. I went to Iowa once and had an absolute BLAST. There's not much hatred between the fans, which keeps everyone in a good mood. Their version of State Street is a more condensed, pedestrian-friendly strip with ample bars and awesome street food, AKA FOOD ON A STICK. The stadium isn't the most awe-inspiring structure in the world, but you're close to the field. And somehow after we won, they let hundreds of Badger fans go into the end zone and do a mini Jump Around. Still not sure how that happened.

Michigan. PREFACE: Fuck Michigan right in its face. But I had a lot of friends there, so it was always a nice opportunity to hang out with them and take in a big college football game. I'll also note that the Big House is the most misleading name in sports. Technically, from a physical size perspective, it's accurate: big fuckin' stadium. But it's crazy how quiet it is in there. Color me disappointed. Oh yeah: if you're ever offered the opportunity to take a packed school bus from Madison to Ann Arbor, DON'T. Took roughly 14 hours to get there, I had to pee in an empty Sprite bottle, and the ride home was the single most miserable stretch of existence in my life.

Ohio State. Only props I'm gonna give Columbus is that their stadium is pretty impressive. And that city LOVES their Buckeyes. You go to a McDonald's in Columbus and you got Eddie George's fat head mounted on the wall. But Columbus is pretty sketchy, and you never know when someone's gonna slip a little meth in your cup. Silver lining: in the unfortunate situation where Wisconsin loses and you're at the game, your red will blend in nicely with all the Buckeye gear. MOVE AMONGST THEM

Minnesota. Haven't been to the new stadium, so my only experience was getting hammered in the back of a pickup truck across from the Metrodome. And oh yeah stereotypes are true because it was negative 5 million degrees that day and I don't wear winter jackets to football games. SO COLD. To make up for that, they sell beer inside and keep you nice and wasted. Didn't realize Zach Brown rushed for 250 yards until my friends sternly convinced me of this fact on the way home. I did not pay good attention.

Honorable Mentions: Northwestern (nerd city, it's illegal to be drunk or fun within 3 miles of Evanston), MSU (never went as an undergrad, never returning as an adult, all those in favor of burning East Lansing to the ground say 'aye' grab some gasoline and meet me there), Illinois (actually really fun to visit and kind of forgot about until after I made the list, but I never went for a football game), Purdue/PSU (Never been, don't see that changing anytime soon)Previously:5) Live on Langdon Street6) Go to a Mallards game in the Duck Blind
7) Go drunk skinny dipping in Lake Mendota8) Go to Ian's Pizza on Frances St. at bar time and devour two slices of Mac and Cheese pizza9) Hook up in the Memorial Library cages10) Steal a Terrace chair from the Memorial UnionHonorable Mentions: Shoutout posted in the Badger Herald, Wait in line overnight for tickets, Pontoon PorchMATCHUP TO WATCHTerrified, innocent, confused Mormons vs. Belligerent, drunk, awesome BadgersI know we already talked about this, but I'm still obsessed:

I don't even KNOW that person and I'm beyond fascinated. I think my new goal for the weekend is to get a Mormon cutie with a blue bow in her hair to do a beer bong of caffeine-free Pepsi.Are the bars gonna be packed with BYU fans crushing Diet Cokes and looking on in horror as the rest of us take turns buying rounds of Rumplemintz? I was about to ask when the last time anyone went to a bar sober was, but then I realized that it's not abnormal or weird for a Mormon to be sober around drunks. For me, it's the scariest thing in the world. For them? That's just a Saturday night in Provo, baby.

RANDOM MUSIC WE'RE DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK

Back in January with their second album, Young the Giant's lead single for the sophomore album offers an immediate departure from their earlier hits. Far more aggressive in sound and style, it may take a listen or two for this to click for fans of their self-titled debut but the reward is worth the wait. The video itself is sparse in set design but offers up some very unique visuals -- give it a watch! (@abellwillring)

This is a song off Califone'e newest and per usual great album. Califone is from Chicago and you've never heard of them. And even though they've released like 10 albums this is not your fault. Califone forgives you. Just enjoy this great mix of folk, slight electronics, and a little rock. Don't give up after a minute into this - have patience and persevere. (JQW)

Prob my favorite song on Eminem's new album. My other faves are Rap God, Love Game (Kendrick Lamar IS SO LYRICAL YOU GUYS!), Brainless and The Monster (featuring Rihanna, aka listen to it now before it gets more overplayed than Tim Jarmusz). PS, here's a #tbt Eminem track, 313, from his 1st album, before Slim Shady LP. Best rapper ever. (@DannyGoldin)

Only good thing to ever come out of St. Louis.THIS WEEK'S GAME IN HAIKUOne if by land, twoif by sea, three or more ifby polygamyTHE MORMONS ARE COMINGYOUTUBE

BOLD move by that cabbie to smash the driver side window with his little club. But it led to the escalation, and the escalation is why we're talking about this video. So, GOOD JOB MR. CABBIE.

I won't pretend to understand the science of this. But I do love the nostalgia of that dial-up modem sound, and I do hate that if anyone under the age of 20 heard this they'd be waiting for the beat to drop.

Of note:

In Russia, raccoon make perfectly acceptable pets.

Raccoon chew like fucking slobs.

Raccoon have such adorably worthless little hands.

Raccoon is the plural of raccoon.

My first stuffed animal as a child was a raccoon that you could use as like a hand puppet and he was awesome and I think I just got really mad at my mom because I'm pretty sure it's her fault that he's not alive anymore.

OMG HE'S REAL!

So the mom got punked first, right? She totally got spooked before her kids even had a clue. Also, $50 says Uncle Keith is the uncle who gets a little too sauced up at the family outings and says questionably appropriate things to your 14 year old cousin.#FOODPORN

What you're looking at right here is both the glory of going to road games, and the one part about going to games that gets better when you get older: REAL TAILGATING. Maybe I don't know the right people, maybe I'm not looking in the right places... because whenever I tailgate before a Badger game in Madison, I NEVER encounter a glorious grill overflowing with delightful red meats. I'm currently writing this, absolutely starving, salivating at my desk. Everything about that looks good. Everything about that looks bad to the Wisco bone.The only times I can think of when I've been on the receiving end of some amazing grilled tailgate chew have been roadies. In Vegas of all places, my dad and I stumbled upon some guys grilling steaks and they happily invited us over and fed us like kings. In San Francisco for the 49ers/Packers game this year, I was gnarring on perfectly grilled sausages and dunking pretzel bread into a cheese fondue fountain. HIGH SOCIETY TAILGATINGI guess what I'm getting at is if you have a good tailgate in Madison this weekend and ample red meat, let me know.(via)

#SKYPORN

The sky went bonkers a month ago and I was out on the balcony #NOFILTERING the shit out of it. With everything that I really enjoy in life, I wonder if the day will come when I'll no longer get weird boners from hot sunsets. I'm not sure.For example, growing up, I loved playing video games. SHOCKER, I know. Through college I kept on gaming, loving every second of it. But after I spent a grand total of two hours playing the new GTA, I kinda realized that it wasn't the best thing in the world anymore. Am I gonna see a sunset one day that makes me think, 'meh'? Oh, do I fear that day. For now, MORE SKYPORN PLEASE

#UTAHPORN

Awesome shot of downtown Salt Lake City, which isn't where BYU is (unless Provo is IN Salt Lake City), but it's still relevant. Just like last week, I forget that there are real cities out there surrounded by nature and mountains and animals. Even with all the ridiculous laws about drinking and having fun, I can almost understand the allure of living in Utah. Pretty damn beautiful.(via)

OLD PEOPLE ARE ADORABLY BAD AT THIS 'INTERNET' THING

Apparently my roommate's grandparents decided to make a Twitter account to keep in touch with him. This is what we call a HOT first tweet. I'm not even sure how Greg found this considering it doesn't actually @mention him. And it really leads to so many more questions: do his grandparents text? What's their Facebook situation? Are contractions some new-fangled invention that all old people hate? Has anyone ever met a Seymour that didn't have grandchildren?Do YOU have any examples of Old People Doing Adorable Things On The Internet? Send 'em my way!

#LATFH

Sometimes it doesn't take much to be a hipster. In this case, it's the quaint combo of a classic hipster cut (buzz that side-quadrant!) and geographically-questionable fringe cowboy coat. Plus, you can totally see me creeping in the reflection above his friend whom is STARING RIGHT INTO MY SOUL.I got off at the next stop.Spot any hipsters in the wild? Use you iPhone Ninja skills and send me a pic!

BADGER HOOPS IS BACK THIS FRIDAY, SO, #DEKKER

Don't get me wrong - I'm still enjoying the hell out of football season. That it's kinda-almost-sorta over is depressing. But basketball season is officially underway less than 24 hours from now, and that is the BEST of news. With the graduation of three starting seniors, it kind of feels like we've begun a new chapter in Bo Ryan Wisconsin Basketball History. And that's exciting! Here's what I'm looking forward to:

Sam Dekker will challenge for a spot on a National All-American Team. He's that good. And not only is he that good, but he's going to play 35+ minutes every night. He'll shoot 40% or better from three. He might lead our team in rebounding AND assists. In fact, put this in writing: Dekker will get UW's SECOND ever triple double. The first one belonging to...

Josh Gasser. Man is it good to have him back. I've loved Gasser's game since day one. His knee injury last year was a devastating injury, and on the Canada trip in August he didn't look anything close to 100%. But it sounds like he's rounding into shape, and his defense/court savvy/three point stroke will be fun to watch again.

Two freshmen: Nigel Hayes and Bronson Koenig. I'm still not sure how this recruiting class didn't get more love, because these two alone are gonna do some big things. We plucked Hayes out of Ohio (he had an OSU offer, too), and he's already reaching monster status at 6'7 250 pounds. Koenig, meanwhile, is a 6'3 point guard from Wisconsin who had offers from UNC and Kansas. These kids are good, and they're going to play this year. Hayes might end up getting 20 minutes a game, and Koenig's talent might help him fight through the crazy depth we have at guard to see the floor. Future is bright.

Frank Kaminsky taking the leap. A seven-footer with a stroke, two years of experience, and a wide open path towards starting for two years under Bo? Yeah, this might work out just fine. He may not be as explosive or defensively-minded as Berggren, but Frank will stretch the floor and (hopefully) help us protect the glass. His numbers are gonna jump way up this year.

Those are a lot of words without even mentioning Ben Brust (love him), Traevon Jackson (kid's got balls), or George Marshall (lot of potential still there). And then there's the coach, a certain Bo Ryan. He's the best, and there isn't a coach out there I'd rather have.This team will compete for a Big Ten Title. This team will be dancing. And the defensive talent we graduated should be more than offset by the improved offense. I'm expecting big things this year.St. John's Friday night, Florida coming to the Kohl Center Tuesday... LET'S go!

PREDICTION CITYMormon jokes aside, BYU is a pretty legit football program. In fact, the Mormon angle helps them. Since a lot of Mormons go on two year missions, most of the football team is usually older than your typical college football team. That's not to say that our boys will be afraid of the Mormon men. Have you ever seen Chris Borland? Does he look like he's afraid of anything?My main concern is health. Borland is good to go, but hamstrings have been known to come and go. Abby is still dinged up with some mysterious side injury. Just a couple injuries, but two of our most important players.But we're at home. We haven't played at home in like 28 days. The crowd should be in good spirits and full of good spirits given the 2:30 kickoff. And Gary Andersen strikes me as the type of coach who has his team ready to go every week, no matter what. Let's come out strong and never look back. THE PICK:WISCONSIN 42, BYU 20