Rule #34: Avengers XXX, A Porn Parody

Just like Fight Club, Vegas, and other hives of senseless gratification, the Internet has it’s own set of rules. The 34th rule is this: “There is porn of it. No exceptions”. You’re about to discover just how true that statement is.

AVENGERS! RIGHT?! Good lord it was so hot. Especially that steamy scene between Scarlet Witch and Ms. Marvel, and then Thor takes his hammer and… Wait, were you looking for a review of that other version where everyone (except Banner) keeps their clothes on? Pfft, lame.

Yes friends, I’m here today to review another Avengers movie that broke all the box office records with it’s release; Avengers XXX (NSFW, obviously). AVN hall-of-famer Axel Braun is at it once again, with his largest costumed cast to date. Avengers XXX filmed simultaneously with three other parodies set to also be released through Vivid Entertainment over the summer; Iron Man XXX, Thor XXX, and She-Hulk XXX. Although it shared it’s release date (and poster design) with the actual Avengers film in theatres, that’s pretty much where the similarities end. The overall design, not to mention the characters featured, is far more in tune with the comics than the films done by Marvel Studios. I mentioned this at the end of my review for Spider-Man XXX, and it still makes me smile like a dork. The fact that a porn parody is more in canon than a studio produced movie just brightens my day right up.

The plot is thin, to say the least, probably the thinnest I’ve seen in an Axel Braun production. Basically it’s a ‘putting the team together’ kind of movie, and the trailer pitched us a stand-off between the 10 person strong team and the Hulk. While there are a couple scenes relating to the need to go deal with Hulk before he rampages through another city, that’s never actually resolved in any way shape or form. Everyone’s too busy having sex. But I’m alright with that, because it means I’m getting a sequel, and since the movie ends with half of them travelling up to Antarctica to find a certain super soldier frozen in the ice, a sequel is something I’m waiting gleefully for. And they’re going to have to take on Kingpin, because at the end of Spider-Man XXX he had Cap’s shield…you see?! Not only are Vivid’s porn parodies comic accurate, they take place in their own shared universe!

I want this universe to be canon. Can I pretend it actually exists? Earth-69. Claimed. It’s officially going on my multiverse map.

There were just so many little things that satisfied me from a purely nerdy perspective. All the classic costumes (except for Thor and Nick Fury, who almost look out of place in their movie-faithful costumes), a snarkier Hawkeye (who’s in the process of opening up a West Coast branch), name-dropping Living Lightning and Constrictor, referencing Ms Marvel’s history with the Skrulls, Fury’s passing comment about Ms Marvel and Spider-Woman working for S.H.I.E.L.D., Thor bragging about combating Surtur and waltzing through Hela’s realm, even Tony Stark declaring angrily that he “fucking hates magic” (my personal favourite). It was a parody that truly put the ‘fan’ back in fan-service. Even some of the pairings were canon (Ms. Marvel and Spider-Man, Hawkeye and Black Widow (kinda)), or were at least plausible (Scarlet Witch and, once again, Ms. Marvel). Most were, of course, right out of nowhere, but then there were a few that I thought were a shoe-in that didn’t happen at all. Basically…Iron Man didn’t have sex. At all. With anybody. This is shameful on two fronts, as both Tony Stark and Dale DaBone are total pimps. I figured he and She-Hulk would have a go at it for sure. But when she got to it with Thor, I switched my bet to an Iron Man/Spider-Woman scene, because that would have been perfect, right? They have sex, we reveal Spider-Woman as a Skrull infiltrator, and there you go; Secret Invasion is your sequel. But these are all minor qualms that pale in comparison to all the classic comic dorkiness at work here.

And now, on to the other side of the coin; the sex. Like I mentioned earlier, this is probably the highest concentration of sex I’ve seen in an Axel parody, and oddly enough, it actually kind of starts to get a bit stale. I found a lot of the scenes ran about 5 minutes too long, or stayed on the same shot (or position) longer than they should have. As much as I love the classic costumes, they sometimes got in the way, especially during Hawkeye and Black Widow’s scene. So many belts and suspenders. Thor and She-Hulk was another scene that was hard to get through. Even though there is no one better (in the porn industry, that is) to play She-Hulk than Chyna, her lack of experience certainly shows. On the other hand, Brendon Miller sometimes sounds shockingly similar to Chris Hemsworth, especially when grunting, so that was a bonus. The best scene of the lot is the final one though, between Spider-Man and Ms. Marvel. On top of being pretty much canon, Lexi Swallow’s Ms. Marvel wins the award for best boobs. Now if only Xander Corvus, reprising his role as Spider-Man, could figure out what to do with them.

All in all, the more I think about it, the more I realize Avengers XXX filled me with the same amount of nerdy joy Marvel’s The Avengers did. In a world where you can slap a couple costumes together, come up with a dirty pun, and call it a parody, there’s something oddly and refreshingly honest about Avengers XXX. The attention to detail, the little homages, even some of the actors being comic fans themselves (and apparently lending theirs to those who weren’t). It almost seemed to be making as much sweet love to Marvel comics as the actors were to each other.