All 69 Ways You Could Possibly Use the Word F*ck

Here are 69 different ways to say fuck, excerpted fromF**k: An Irreverent History of the F-Word, by Rufus Lodge, a successful and critically acclaimed author who lives in London under another name. Published today by HarperCollins.You can buy it here.It's funny.

ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY:A prime example of what the linguists call infixation, in which one word insists on sitting right in the middle of another. Now you know what its called, you can make up your own examples.

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BUMBLEFUCK:Bumble stands for bumbling idiot; fuck stands for everything that it usually does. So a bumblefuck is a fucker who is also an idiot: or an idiot, in other words. When applied to a situation, a bumblefuck is one that was probably designed by a whole circus of bumblefucks, and thus should be avoided wherever possible.

BUMFUCK:Forget the obvious definition, which is... yes, you've got it. A bumfuck can also be a bum fuck: that is, someone with whom it is not much fun to share a sleeping bag. On the basis that someone's sexual etiquette is probably a reflection of their wider character, the word can also be applied to a person who is unpleasant with clothes on or off.

CLUSTERFUCK:A remarkably descriptive American term for a scene in which there are lots of people doing lots of unusual things with lots of other people, and none of them are wearing any undergarments. Fine as a fantasy, but actually rather annoying in real life, believe me. And so, by extension, it also applies to a situation that is extremely chaotic but not actually that enjoyable.

FACEFUCK:At the risk of turning this into a sexual guidebook, facefuck is a way of describing oral sex, particularly fellatio; and even more particularly if the person doing the sucking is lying on their back with an open mouth. Someone who is facefucked, however, is more likely in the twenty-first century to be off their face having ingested something smaller, but probably more dangerous, in the way of drugs.

FINGERFUCK:A social activity in which a finger or more — adjust according to taste — becomes an explorer, if you like, of dark caverns.

FLYING FUCKLAND:A more modern and less poetic way of saying Cloudcuckoolanda place of fantasy that could surely not exist in real life. Book editor's note: Outside the pages of Erica Jong's novelFear of Flying, a flying fuck is rarely a good thing.

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Also: Some acronyms, as read by Richard E. Grant...

FUCKAHOLIC:An alcoholic is addicted to alcohol; a workaholic never leaves the office; a fuckaholic will fuck you even if you're an alcoholic and a workaholic, because they simply don't care where they put themselves.

FUCK-AROUND:The phrase fuck around probably doesn't need any explanation, unless you've just come out of a convent, in which case the book from which this is excerpted probably isn't the ideal place to start. Don't tryFifty Shades of Grey, either. The more jaded of you can read on. Someone who fucked around sometimes came to be called a fuck-around; and then, starting on the island of Fiji, the word was applied to anyone who happened to be hanging around in the streets, usually with criminal intentions.

FUCKARSE:Someone who is a bit of a prat. As opposed toFUCK ARSE, which does exactly what it says on the tin.

FUCKATHON:Someone who is a fuckaholic, or who takes fucking around to the extremes, might take part in a fuckathon. In commercial terms, fuckathon has been used as another way of describing gang bang pornography, in which a female porn star attempts to have intercourse with as many partners as possible in a specified period. The supremely unerotic film starring Annabel Chang,The Worlds Biggest Gang Bang, is the best possible advertisement against the fuckathon, which makes a clusterfuck seem like afternoon tea at the vicarage. Like Boy George, I'd rather have a cup of tea.

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FUCKASS:An all-purpose term of abuse, which doesn't usually have any specific connection to anal activities.

FUCKBAG:Nearly as all-purpose as fuck itself: it can be a noun, denoting someone with little common sense; or someone (usually a woman, surprise, surprise) who is known for having lots of sex; or it can be an adjective; or an exclamation of despair or disgust. And you can use it as one word or two. Satisfied?

FUCK-BAR:An establishment in which fucking takes place, or in which one secures the vital connection to enable the same thing. A pick-up joint, in other words. Coined by the American gay community in the 1970s, its used for a bar with back-room reserved for all kinds of sporting activity.

FUCKBEANS:I'd love to report that this is a slang term for Viagra, because it clearly should be. But disappointingly it's a piece of youth-speak meaning nothing more than that the person who uses it is slightly cross.

FUCK-BEGGAR:Originally, a man with a reputation for not being able to raise the mast when the, er, boat is about to set sail. More widely, anyone who is so desperate for a sexual partner that they have to beg. Alternative term in the eighteenth century: buss-beggar (not to be confused with someone who gets on a bus with a sob story about having lost their money on the way to the bus stop, like the woman I always see in the South Ealing Road).

FUCK BOOK:A work of pornography, designed to provide sexual excitement. Unlike the book this is excerpted from, which is strictly educational.

FUCKBOY:A male, usually young, and presumably not already gay, who finds himself the unwelcome recipient of attention from other males when he arrives in prison. The female equivalent, fuckgirl, doesn't seem to have come into such regular usage, perhaps because not all female prisons are like the ones in Hollywood porno movies.

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... And Richard E. Grant Breaking Down Laughing:

FUCKBRAIN:A person whose brains have gone to fuck, and not because they want to have sex.

FUCK BUDDY:A friend with whom you have sex. In theory, this sex is wildly enjoyable, and totally free of complications and commitments. In practice, it usually buggers up the friendship.

FUCK-CHOPS:SeeFUCKBRAIN. Proof that you can add almost anything to the word fuck if you want to call someone a prat.

FUCK-DUST:A multipurpose word, which originated in the 1950s as a description of stuff that simply wasn't up to scratch. By the 1980s, it had been transferred to people who were annoying, and in the modern century it is used as an exclamation in mildly upsetting situations. A hammer on an exposed finger merits the full Fuck!; missing a bus when there's another one due in two minutes might deserve a token Fuck-dust!

FUCKEE:Someone who is being fucked, not necessarily in a sexual context.

FUCKERWARE:At a Tupperware party, the aim is to persuade gullible housewives to purchase household goods that they don't need by disguising the sales pitch as a social occasion. With Fuckerware, the principle can be the same, only the clients are being offered sex toys. Be wary of accepting an invitation to a Fuckerware party unless you know your host very well, however: the phrase is also applied to a swingers gathering where men and women gather to experiment with a box of sex toys and partners who are not their own.

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FUCKERY:The nineteenth-century term for a brothel has mutated in recent decades into a description of any kind of nonsense — no sexual activity required. It is used especially in state or corporate attempts to mess with our minds and our daily lives. Remember that the next time you're on the phone to a call centre.

FUCK-EYE:If you give someone the fuck-eye, you're employing what used to be called, in more romantic times, a come-hither stare. If your fuck-eye looks like yourFUCKFACE, you prob­ably won't be getting any.

FUCKFACE:The gurning expressions pulled by every man and woman when they're experiencing an orgasm. If theres no gurning, they ain't feeling it. Similar expressions can be achieved by other means, such as plunging into hot or cold water, punching someone in sensitive places, or pretty much every activity seen in theJackassfilm series.

FUCK-FEATURES:Abusive, of course, and pretty much guaran­teed not to get someone into bed if you try to attract their attention this way. It suggests ugliness, presumably because someone looks as if theyve become stuck in theirFUCKFACE.

FUCK-FEST:A glorious cavalcade of sex, which can involve as many people as you like. Sounds more fun than aFUCKATHON, doesn't it?

FUCK FILM:A film in which fucking occurs, usually in a more explicit fashion than youll see in your local multiplex. Also known as aFUCK-FLICK.

FUCKFINGER:From the nineteenth century, this describes someone who was able to pleasure themselves with their own fingers: also known as aFUCKFIST. Not to be confused with the nounFINGERFUCK, which usually involves more than one person.

FUCK-FLAPS:Another way of saying cunt-flaps. Which is another way of revealing that you're a young man who probably isn't ever going to get anywhere near anyone's labia.

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FUCKHEAD:This isnt a sexual practice, but a description of someone whos such an idiot that he (and it usually is a he) isn't going to find a girlfriend.

FUCKING MACHINE:Someone who is a great lover — a stud (if it's a man). Or the habitual cry of anyone trying to use a computer, an automatic check-in at the airport, a ticket dispenser, a DVD player, a coffee-maker . . .

FUCKHOLE:The place where... Look, you're going to have to work this one out for yourselves. First used in the Victorian era. And you thought they were all too busy covering up the legs of tables in case impressionable youngsters became over-excited. Like almost every other sexual term in the twenty-first century, this has been transformed into a term of abuse aimed at young women. The worldwide web has a lot to answer for.

FUCK-IN:We can thank American cartoonist Robert Crumb for this term, first identified in his 1968 illustration of the Grand Opening of the Great Intercontinental Fuck-in & Orgy-Riot (published in the underground magSnatch Comics). SeeFUCK-FEST.

FUCK-IN-A-FOG:Chroniclers of English slang would have us believe that gardeners with foul minds use this term to describe the fennel floweror, more poetically, love-in-a-mist. Do not use this in any garden owned by the National Trust.

FUCK-IN-LAW:Someone who becomes related to you via sex. So if I have sex with your sister... No, ofcourseI haven't had sex with your sister. Honestly. I dont know why I evenmentionedyour sister. I dont find her attractive. No, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with her, she's a lovely girl. Not in that way, obviously. I told you, I dont want to go to bed with her. All right, be like that, leave. I can always phone your sister. What? It was ajoke. I dont even have her number. I can get it from your mum. No, Ihaven'thad sex with your mum, honestly . . .

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FUCKJOB:Something that is well and truly fucked up; and therefore also the means by which Person A fucks up Person B, who may or may not deserve it. In the era of Internet porn, almost anything sexual is a fuckjob, and probably just as mechanical as that term suggests.

FUCK-KNUCKLE:Our Australian cousins get the credit for this mild alternative to the more abusiveFUCKHEADthe gentle nature of the insult presumably conveyed by the fact that the finger is only involved as far as the knuckle.

FUCKLESS WONDER:Someone who's a chinless wonder is posh and stupid (remember Tim Nice-but-Dim?). Someone who's a brainless wonder doesn't have to be posh. And someone who's a fuckless wonder doesn't even have to have a brain.

FUCKLOAD:Used in the phrase a fuckload of on occasions when the more common word shitload simply doesn't capture the moment.

FUCK-MES:American gay slang for a tight pair of trousers, though I would have thought that if they were too tight, they might restrict the blood-flow to vital organs.

FUCKMOBILE:A car which the owner believes will enable him to procure a sexual partner; and also the venue for what happens when he does. This only works with certain cars, and certain sexual partners, despite what Jeremy Clarkson might think.

FUCK-MUSCLE:As anyone will know who took biology in school past the point where they make you cut up rats, there is no bone in the human penis despite the slang word boner for an erection. But there is muscle, though it's not the kind of muscle that you can make grow by exercise, otherwise teenage boys would be even more active in private than they already are. The growth is all about blood, so anyone tempted to use the word fuck-muscle should actually be prepared to accompany it with an anatomical explanation.

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FUCK-NEST:SeeFUCKPAD, but cosier.

FUCKNOB:Slang term for sexual intercourse meets slang word for penis: inevitable consequence is a term of abuse.

FUCKNUT(S):SeeFUCKNOB, but replace penis with testicles (easier than it sounds). However, someone who isFUCK-NUTTYis also aFUCKAHOLIC: nobody said that the penis didnt have a mind of its own.

FUCKOLA:Sounds as if it should be an X-rated slot machine, but its actually a right royal cock-up, and not in a good way.

FUCK PAD:You're imagining something unpleasantly intimate that might be hiding in a potential partners undies, aren't you? It's OK: The person with the fuck pad is merely a throwback to the 1970s, when the pad was where the dude hung out, and where he took his lovely lady with luurve on his mind.

FUCKPLUG:A contraceptive device that seals up theFUCKHOLEto prevent pregnancy. Not recommended for use at intimate moments (the word, that is).

FUCKPOLE:A straight-to-the-point, dont-beat-about-the-bush term for the penis at its most extended. Incidentally, men dont like being told they have a fuckpin.

FUCK-PUMP:No, I dont know where you can buy one... for the simple reason that this term is applied to a married man by those who are unfortunate enough not to have a regular sexual partner.

FUCKRIES:A West Indian term spoken more than written, I'd wager to describe troubles that are disturbing someones mental equilibrium.

FUCK-RUBBER:The male equivalent of aFUCK-PLUG.

FUCK-SAUCE:The substance that is captured within theFUCK-RUBBER, or has its progress halted by aFUCK-PLUG. If you need any more help, it comes out of aFUCK-STICKwhen a peak of excitement is reached.

FUCK-SHOW:What you hope you're going to see when you go behind the curtains in a Soho establishment. What you actually get, I'm told, is a bar bill that would pay off the national debt.

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FUCK-SOCK:Another charming term for aFUCK-RUBBERor, for the solo performer, a handy item into whichFUCK-SAUCEcan be directed to avoid staining the bedclothes.

FUCKSTICK:They say that men don't take kindly to criticism of their performance behind the wheel or in bed. So the ideal compliment for aTop Gearkind of guy is to tell him that he handles his gearstick the way he handles his fuckstick; or vice versa, depending which one he shows you first. NB: If someone uses this word in the plural, it doesn't mean that he is a freak of nature, or that she has more than one man in hand; it's merely a twenty-first-century expression of slight annoyance.

FUCKSTRUCK:The state of mind you enjoy when you first estab­lish a sexual relationship, i.e. before you get pregnant, pick up a sexually transmitted disease, or meet the in-laws.

FUCKTRUCK:Certain members of the Australian population drive around in vans just large enough to hold a mattress in the backflat on the floor, of course. They will then invite lonely souls to join them there for polite conversation. Also known as a passion wagon.

FUCK-UDDERS:A term for breasts used by young men who have only a very confused grasp of the mechanics of human reproduction.

FUCKWAD:A small town betweenFUCKHEADandFUCKWIT.

FUCKWIT:A gentler way of sayingFUCKHEAD. But not so gentle that you should try it out on the boss.

FUCKY-FUCKY (or FUCK-FUCK):America's involvement in Vietnam during the 1960s and 1970s was not one of the more glorious moments in the nations history. But, say what you will about the political and military consequences, it did at least enlarge our language, and that of the unfortunate prostitutes who had to service U.S. servicemen on their days off from bombing peasants and being shot at by the Cong. Being quick learners, the young-women-for-hire of Saigon quickly learned to offer fucky-fucky or fucky-sucky to their clients; and the phrase soon made its way back to America, where fucky-sucky on a brothel menu means exactly what it says.

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HONEYFUCK:A sexual encounter in the United States that incor­porates slightly more romance than one might have expected. Or one that involves a woman somewhat younger than her male partner: Michael Douglas and his lovely Welsh bride, perhaps.

MINDFUCK:Anything that amazes or boggles the brain; and therefore, by extension, a process whereby a person is subjected to a form of brainwashing. Such as reading a book in which the word fuck appears several hundred times.

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