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Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000 08:20:58 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1177
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=== 1177 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1177
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000 08:20:58 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1177
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1172 69 votes 6iqc7 6euc7 gri62 cdu86 1ahre 8bsac 4iqba 2fsea bhnb7 eiig3
1172 2.9 mean 2.9 3.0 2.3 2.8 3.6 3.1 3.1 3.2 2.8 2.7
--- 1177-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> AGHWETGNWTGNGSUGFEWFGWTHNGUHDF:JGHSKGHFD:KLKJQLERWLKETJRMC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} One Million Monkey Project, Still no Closer to Hamlet than
} before. Film as Eleven.
--- 1177-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I want to find out the percentage of internet users that connect to the
> net via modems, cable modem, dsl, t-1, etc.
> ________________________________________________________________________
> Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I should you for insolence, since you are one of the Freeloaders
} of the Internet, using a web email service and not even paying to
} get rid of the tagline, but I *do* happen to have the answer right
} in front of me, and it'll only take three keystrokes to copy and
} paste it into place:
}
} MONTHLY INTERNET CONNECTION SURVEY, 31 JULY 2000
}
} Omniscience download/Telekinesis upload 00.001%
} Smoke Signal 00.037%
} Direct neural interface 00.042%
} DNI via telepathy 00.055%
} Direct telepathic interface 00.067%
} Carrier Pigeon 00.098%
} Semaphore 00.112%
} Morse Code 00.108%
} Other 00.178%
} Packet Radio 03.142%
} Not really connected, lying about it 14.735%
} Modem, Cale modem, DSL, t-1, etc. 81.425%
}
} You owe the Oracle a new DNI for Zadoc, the last one didn't survive
} the last , and I have to actually *talk* to him.
--- 1177-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Who writes the answers to this oracle anyway?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, THIS Oracle was written by me, but usually its someone else.
}
} Unless I've sent in a lot of questions in which case it's me again
} provided that I can think of something decent. If I cant then I dont
} bother so it's going to be someone else in that case. Unless _they_
} cannot think of something decent, the question falls back into the
} queue and I get it again, and I have a sudden brainwave , in which
} case its back to me again.......
}
} To cut a long story short, its either me or someone else. Ok?
}
} You Owe The Oracle more someone-elses.
--- 1177-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle great, wise and well endowed:
>
> Can women take viagra and what physical effects will it have on us?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Most womanly inquisitor:
} Women do not take Viagra, but its feminine equivalent, Niagara,
} because it goes with the .flow. Women, because they are much more
} sensuous and sensible than men,do not need Niagara, but they take it
} anyway, so the men wont feel bad about their own disabilities It is
} best to fill your Niagara bottle with aspirin to take care of those
} headaches you so often have.
} Acting as a mere pharmacist is one of the Oracles lower and least
} urgent functions, so next time use a phrenologist, please!
--- 1177-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most wise,
>
> Some time in the future there is bound to be a "1990"s revival
> craze, what exactly would that entail in terms of, well, whatever
> it is people of the future will look back as representative of the
> "1990"s?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Oracle hasn't had his tranquilizer yet. As such, in the future
} please try to refrain from asking such disgustingly disturbing
} questions. The Oracle is still suffering through all the 80s nostalgia.
} Perhaps later he will be more fit to ponder the scary possiblities, but
} for now, all he can say is:
}
} O.J. POKEMON.
}
} Yes, that's right. O.J. Pokemon. Late night parties, come dressed as
} your favorite character from the O.J. Simpson trial, draw cards and do
} battle. Collect them all - two different packages, O.J. Pokemon White
} [Bronco] and O.J. Pokemon Black [Glove]. The O.J. Black deck is a bit
} too small for full enjoyment, but is custom-sorted by some Italian guy,
} and very limited edition. Oh god, the horror of it all. But they say
} you haven't lived until you've LARPed a battle between Marcia
} Squirtleson and Judge Lance Pikato.
}
} The future is a scary, scary thing. And if that's enough, wait until
} the newly merged Nintendo-Tiger Corp releases the spinoff product:
} Detective Mark Furby-man. Yes, your kids can learn exactly what growing
} up in the 90s was like when they recieve this charming little elven
} doll, who can be taught to learn virtually ANY racial slur, and comes
} with his own pocket dictionary of his lingual terms for blacks, whites,
} chinese, dutch, germans, the poor, females, males, the left handed, and
} kids. Guarenteed to bring a tear to your eye.
}
} You owe the Oracle a soothing massage, a backrub, another tranquilizer,
} and a whispered promise that you'll do him in before he has to live
} through this wave of nostalgia.
--- 1177-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Most wide awake Oracle, He that can find his way around in the
> dark, Immortal Most Extraordinary and cool guy to hang with,
>
> If cats made movies what kind of movies would they be watching?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Probably Kitty Porn.
--- 1177-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most amazing and wise and fluffy and minty-fresh,
> How can I make all my dreams come true?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Dream exclusively about eating at fast food restaurants.
--- 1177-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most Muppet-acious,
>
> I have just completed a viewing of that classic among
> classics, "The Muppet Movie"! Now, I didn't have very good
> reception (UHF stations, y'know), but I think I got the
> gist of it.
>
> There's only one thing I never got.
>
> Why *are* there so many songs about Rambo? The movie never
> explained that.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Your reception must have been pretty bad; you've missed the whole point
} of the song, which is that Kermit just doesn't know. Here it is in
} full:
}
} Why are there so many songs about Rambo
} And does he have a nice side?
} Rambo has visions, but only illusions,
} And Rambo has nothing to hide.
} So we've been told and some choose to believe it
} I know they're wrong, wait and see.
} Someday we'll find it, the Rambo connection,
} The gun lovers, the terrorists, and me.
}
} Who said that every shot would be heard and answered
} When he shot on the movie star?
} Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it,
} And look what he's done so far.
} What's so amazing that keeps us razing
} And what do we think we might see?
} Someday we'll find it, the Rambo connection,
} The gun lovers, the terrorists, and me.
}
} All of us under his spell,
} We know that it's probably magic...
}
} ... Have you been half asleep? And have you heard voices?
} I've heard them calling my name.
} ... Is this the sweet sound that calls the young gun-toters?
} The voice might be one and the same
} I've heard it too many times to ignore it
} It's something that I'm s'posed to be...
} Someday we'll find it, the Rambo connection,
} The gun lovers, the terrorists, and me.
}
} Laa, da daa dee da daa daa,
} La laa la la laa dee daa doo...
}
} You owe the Oracle a picture of Kermit dressed up as Rambo, taking on
} Sesame Street.
--- 1177-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> How many anagrams are there?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} [ Quiet neighborhood, white picket fences, big trees, lawn
} order abounds. The Oracle stands before one home, notable
} for the symmetry of the yard, but otherwise looking pretty
} much like all the others, but different. ]
}
} Oracle: This is the home of the anagrams. Let's met them
} shall we?
}
} [ Oracle opens gate and enters the yard. ]
}
} Oracle: Here playing in the yard are the children.
} The infant, Little One Letter Anagram, Two
} Letter and Three Letter. Hi kids!
}
} 1 Letter: I!A!
}
} 2 Letter: Ha, am, no, eh, oh!
}
} 3 Letter: How eat gel cat arm?
}
} Oracle: How's it going?
}
} 3 Letter: Dog has gas! Ear?
}
} 2 Letter: Ha,ha,ha!
}
} Oracle{aside}: This is why I don't have kids.
}
} [ Oracle walks up to front door and rings the bell. He is
} greeted by Four Letter.]
}
} 4 Letter: Crap dads deaf.
}
} Oracle{aside}: He's the teenager. A snot nosed brat.
}
} 4 Letter: Evil face gods fear.
}
} Oracle: That's nice. Can I speak with one of your parents?
}
} 4 Letter: Hoes nude.
}
} Oracle: !!
}
} [ Four Letter motions the Oracle into the home and gestures
} towards the back of the house. ]
}
} 4 Letter: Rear room.
}
} Oracle: Thanks.
}
} [ Oracle wanders into the house. A pleasant looking
} lady approaches, fully clothed, it's the mom, Five
} Letter. ]
}
} 5 Letter: Saint robes.
}
} Oracle: Well, I'm just a minor deity actually. Is your
} husband Six Letter home?
}
} 5 Letter: Shall shout?
}
} Oracle: That's okay, I see him in the backyard with the
} grandparents.
}
} 5 Letter: Swell.
}
} [ Oracle opens a sliding glass door and goes out to the
} pool where 6 Letter sits with his elderly parents, 7
} Letter and 8 Letter. ]
}
} Oracle: Hi!
}
} 6 Letter: Nicest friend.
}
} 7 Letter: Praised senator.
}
} Oracle: Nice yard you have here.
}
} 6 Letter: Maples.
}
} 8 Letter: Hectares sunlight.
}
} 7 Letter: Cocaine?
}
} Oracle: No thanks. Well, thanks for letting me visit your
} home.
}
} 6 Letter: Rejoin pronto.
}
} [ Back out front. ]
}
} Oracle: Well, there you have it. The American Anagram family,
} just eight of them. Rumors abound of a mysterious
} Nine Letter, but these are unconfirmed. You owe the
} Oracle a present.
--- 1177-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle great and wise
>
> How can I keep my cats from drinking all my beer in my
> refrigerator?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Buy a brand they don't like.