knucklehead thirty is about my life. in no particular order. random bits and pieces. and that's how i like it.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

old soul

people often see my girl and declare without ever hearing her speak: "she's an old soul" or "she has old soul eyes." i distinctly remember being in the hospital when she was born and having a family member speak similar words when she was only a few hours old. this used to creep me out a bit. or a lot a bit cause, honestly, i don't really know how much i believe in reincarnation and such. and that's the only way i've ever known how to relate this phenomenon.

i've been looking up different definitions of "old soul" today and ones i've found are mostly similar in the description. in a nutshell, it just means you are wise beyond your years. but i mean, how would someone know/think she was, without her ever speaking?

strangely though, there are pockets of conversation with her that take me to a different level. because in my mind, there should be no way for her to process a situation/conversation/experience so deeply, so acutely. just this week, she explained with unwavering certitude that she knew she was not our favorite (her father and i) it was clear to her that brother was the one we loved the most and we proved this everyday.

do have any idea how badly that stung? i mean, he's not the favorite. i love my children just the same. i really, really do.

seriously though, how long had she been simmering on that very thought? had she chosen that exact moment to spill these fears, or could she just no longer hold in what she was convinced was fact? she began giving me examples, that proved without a shadow of a doubt in her all too smart mind, why he was the favorite. i began countering each and every one with facts of my own. all the while, hurting and wondering. trying to analyze why this was happening. rightthisverysecond.

this isn't the only time she's done things like this. and the conversations or observations aren't always so terrible. once, she declared that there was a crescent moon in the night air. (she was NOT old enough to know moon shapes and when/where/how would that come up in normal conversation for her to tuck it away in her spongy elephant brain?!)

so, what does it mean? how is she able to FEEL things so deeply, so young? how does she observe for months or years only to silence you with her assessment of said observation in what is seemingly random times?