Here I am LORD, send me

Monday, January 21, 2013

Maybe I know a little bit more how a mother feels as she makes the agonizing decision to place her child up for adoption. To pray that God would bring a Godly family to love and protect and to lead their little one to Himself. To let go.
The time has run out for my referral of being matched for adoption with Sweet Nikolay, whos name means "Victorious people". The paperwork we needed could not be completed in time. For reasons that make no sense, but are out of my control. I have prayed for him for since June, that he would be prepared to go into his new family. That he would know the love of God. Will accept love from others. Will bless others with his beautiful life. That God would protect him, keep him safe, keep him warm. I thought of him as my son, my kids felt he was their brother. God I give him to You. Bring him where You want him to be. Let him know You are near.
You are always enough.
Good- bye sweet boy. I am not your mommy, but I have loved you with a great love. Every moment has been worth it.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

My heart is breaking!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let it fall completely on God's trustworthy hands. I dont want to give up on having N. become a part of our family. I dont want to put away all his clothes, toys and blankets. I dont understand. I love this guy. LORD, please move. Time is running out. Reach down at this exact time and move. Only You can.

But I do not know the end. You do. I trust You. Please take care of N. Please take care of my heart.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

I have avoided writing lately. I havent had words to say. Nothing positive has happened from all the documents that have been sent to different lawyers. Although everyone, lawyers and immigration people say that it should all be fine, no one can give me anything in writing so far to take back in my defense. My time is running out on my referral of the little boy I have been praying for and planning to be my son. So I was discouraged. The sickness and death of many adopted kids or orphans that I have been praying for and then the Russian ban on adoptions to the US completely defeated me. But, that is exactly where the Father of lies wants me to be. He is the destroyer. Today God used many things to set me straight again. Some thoughts from today before I go to sleep are.
1. Time to do good is now. Satan is destroying and it is not ok to sit by and watch and give up in defeat.1 John 3:16 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.17 If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person?18 Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.
and in 2 Peter I was reminded that God is creator over all and will punish the evil doers. I can not allow myself to be overwhelmed by evil.
2. God is not subject to Satans schemes. He is able to do anything. 1John 4:4 Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.I do believe that God is able to make this adoption happen still, but more than that I am stepping out of fear and discouragement and trusting that He has brought me to this place for His purpose. His purposes are good. He will see me through. He is in control, so it is ok. Ok to let go, again. Ok to not know, still. Ok to hope, longer. And ok to hurt, He is here.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

We were riding in the car the yesterday when Susannah found a sweet picture of Anthony when he was about 2 weeks old. We were all ooohhing and ahhing at how cute and little he was. She passed it back to him and said that that was him as a little baby. He said, "AWW so cute. Is that when I was still in Bulgaria and in a crib?"
No precious boy, you have always been here. You were born in Mama's tummy. So cute to realize how much they think about and internalize all that is going on.
It reminds me of bedtime about 4 months ago when he was hugging me and said when he grows up he was going to get lots of babies and carry them with him everywhere. I asked him where he was going to get his babies from and he said confidently, "from Bulgaria!" Ah of course.

Or a couple of nights ago when we were checking out N. "David's" picture on the computer and he says, "I want to go get him right now!" I said well I do too but we dont even know if we will be able to adopt N. He defiantly said, "Yes, I want him to come home now. I love him." He is going to make a very good big brother.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord! Psalm 27:14After agonizing weeks and months of striving and trying to get approved. I have hit a brick wall with DCFS. I was told on Monday that we can not go any further at this time. With the way things are in DCFS I am unable to adopt internationally. If things change in the way things are processed I would be able to apply again. For now we are finished.This is heartbreaking for us, and we once again cry out to God, "why? what now?" I have no answers.Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord! Psalm 27:14Things I know, God has been all over this. I have seen His love for me, my children, the orphans, and the whole world in a new way. The way I cherish my time with each of my kids and want to lead them to know and serve God wholeheartedly. Seeing how much more I can deny myself to help and serve others. His redemption. His saving grace. How completely desperate and unable I am to bring myself into the family of God, but how in His mercy, He welcomed me into His family. He chose me to be His forever. My eyes have been opened to pain and suffering all around me more that makes me want to love and live without hesitation. I have longed for heaven to come quickly, unlike ever before. I have prayed for and loved someone who has never even known me and never will. Mostly I wanted to update everyone who is still waiting to hear what has happened. I do not feel like He has finished what He has started, but in my limited understanding I am sitting still and empty. I know not what will happen, but I trust in Him who does. I will follow Him all of my days, no matter what the cost.Thanks to all of you for your prayers, support and encouragement. Love, Lisa

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Dear God, You know how much I want to follow You. You have showed me Your heart for the orphan. Thank You for loving all of us. Thank You for hearing our cries. Please reach down and rescue those who are being neglected and mistreated everywhere. I Know You LORD. I have seen and believed in Your great strength and power. You have given me a love for N. beyond my comprehension. Please move through this situation. Be exalted. Glorify Your name. Reveal Your power. I am ready to walk this hard and new road, if only You will make a way.