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there have been…

there have been times in the past when i have been told that sometimes when you are most frustrated or angered by someone it is because they are reminding you of something you yourself fail at or perhaps are reflecting back on you your own poor choice.

when Mshe starts posting about how she wants to see justice come to the world, i don’t see her doing very much. all i want to say is ‘what are YOU going to DO about it?’ and then i look at myself and the diverse things that i’m incredibly passionate about and what am I doing about it? who am i to say ‘get your butt moving’ when i am so much into the ingrained. i was going to say i enjoy sitting on my butt doing nothing, but that’s not really the case. there isn’t any joy. i know i’m stagnant, doing very much of nothing as i try to avoid what i’ve been called to do.

and when Eshe talks a bout how God is blessing her, it rankles. i mean right down to the core of me something inside me just rebels at that thought. and i’m thinking you know what God shows blessing to both the just and unjust its just the way life works…though there is mergy and grace for the forgiven…not perfect…in repentence. i understand the concept of having an affair because your husband did…it seems very immature. But then i’m back to my old distrusting ways…no way would i ever recommend anyone i know marry her because i wouldn’t trust that she wouldn’t fall into that again. if she’s been unfaithful once, then whose to say she won’t again. and yeah there are blessings and yeah we’re not perfect and we fall down…but it just so gets me when she claims blessings when its so evident that yeah there are blessings but there are also consequences for actions..and you’ve got to face those too. true i’m just seeing the side of the story she chooses to share…but it just gets under my skin.

and when i chatted with Tshe and she told me about how she loved the retreat but then people kept asking her about her disabilities and she was so frustrated cause she couldn’t believe that people would think they could just throw that out after talking to her for a bit…and i’m sure they weren’t meaning ot be rude, but it made her anxious and upset…and wanted to be seen as more than a woman with a disability. i don’t think i would ever ask someone unless they offered up the information to me…i just don’t think of it and perhaps its not important to me because i’ve known people who have had disabilities and though i know they have them, they are more than their disability. people need to look past the outside that isn’t quite what society thinks it should be and see the person inside who is human and emotional and needing and vulnerable and loving and joyous and frustrated and heartbroken and loved and not what they are limited by. because in reality we all have limitations, some are more visual than others.