Why We Didn't Leave the Church Even After...

Two years ago, while at work, I noticed several of my co-workers engrossed in a discussion. I gathered that they were talking about a book or document of some sort, and as the day passed I became intrigued by what had so captivated their minds.

I finally asked one of my coworkers what they were all so fascinated by. He looked at me a bit awkwardly and said, “I don’t know if we should tell you,” suggesting that the reason had to do with me being a devout Latter-day Saint.

Of course, that only made me more interested to find out what they had all been talking about. I pressed him on the subject and he divulged the name of a 90-page document discussing one man’s reasons for rejecting the LDS Church. I had heard of the document before (it’s one of the more popular pieces of critical literature produced in recent years), but never thought to read it.

This time I decided I would.

I found the document on-line and began reading. I didn’t expect to do more than skim over it, but ended up reading the document rather closely.

As someone who has studied argumentation and rhetoric, I was immediately struck by the subtle tools of deception used by the author. Whether the author was purposely relying on misleading presentation techniques, I do not know. But I do know that the most emotionally impactful parts of the document were based on deeply flawed logic and zero substance.

However, I did learn things about Church history that surprised me. Obviously it was impossible to have all the context, but some of what was true was enough to leave me feeling pretty unsettled.

I was suddenly plunged into confusion. Many of the claims made by critics were based in half-truths, presentation tricks, and outright lies, and yet some of what was true seemed to have no good or plausible explanation and simultaneously could not simply be brushed aside as unimportant details.

In the midst of this confusion, Brittney and I prayed and considered the implications. For the first time in many years, we asked with uncertainty: was Joseph Smith really a prophet? Is this really Christ’s Church?

Before serving my mission I had a life-changing testimony experience. But as I looked back on that experience, I realized that the powerful witness I had received centered on Jesus Christ and God’s love, not on Joseph Smith or the Restored Church. Brittney’s experience was similar.

Of course, we had felt assurances of peace about the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, and the Restored Church. But these experiences were temporarily overshadowed by some of the surprising things we had learned.

So, we found ourselves praying to God, saying, “We know that there is a Christ, but if this isn’t His Church, we aren’t afraid to leave what we have for something more.”

The morning after fasting about our concerns, I received an answer as I studied my scriptures.

I didn’t really know where I wanted to study that morning, so I took my Bible off the shelf, opened it haphazardly, and began reading.

As I read, I became engrossed in an account of faith, doubt, and questions that the Jews and Christ’s disciples had faced 2000 years ago. I quickly saw striking parallels to dilemmas of doubt faced by Church members today. And perhaps even more powerfully, I saw that there were others in the scriptures, like me and my wife, who had sincere questions that seemed unanswerable.

At first, the passage discussed the doubts of people who never really had a testimony and didn’t care to seek for one. They said things like:

“Is not this Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? How is it then that he saith, “I came down from heaven?”” and “What sign shewest thou then, that we may see, and believe thee?”

The first question points out a seeming logical inconsistency with one of Christ’s claims and the second asks, in essence, “if what you say is true, where is the evidence?”

These questions would be easily answered and dismissed by Christ’s disciples (maybe not to the satisfaction of the critics, but at least to their own satisfaction).

But Jesus’ disciples were about to face a doubt that would not be so easily dismissed.

You see, Christ proceeded to teach the following:

“I am the living bread which came down from heaven: if any man eat of this bread, he shall live forever: and the bread that I will give is my flesh…”

As I read, I was struck by how absurd this statement would sound to someone who knew nothing about the atonement, nothing about the symbolism of the sacrament. It would have sounded like Jesus was literally saying that his disciples needed to eat his flesh in order to receive eternal life.

And that’s exactly what the Jews thought. Which is why many of them immediately began criticizing Christ:

“How can this man give us his flesh to eat?”

And even Christ’s disciples, those who had pressed forward in faith while others wrote Jesus off as a lunatic or demon, may have also thought Jesus’ statement was a little odd.

They may have expected that Christ would clear up the misconception, but they were sorely mistaken.

Christ continued:

“Verily, verily, I say unto you: Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life. For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed.”

That is strong and strange language considering an audience that is unfamiliar with Christ’s atoning sacrifice.

Suddenly, even the strongest of Christ’s disciples had to wonder, at least for a moment, “maybe the critics are right. Perhaps Jesus isn’t a prophet or the Son of God. Maybe he really is a lunatic; perhaps he really is possessed of a devil.”

The scriptures then read:

“Many of his disciples, when they had heard this, said, This is a hard saying; who can hear it? [And] from that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him.”

Sad isn’t it? That some of Christ’s disciples turned away from the Savior because something he said seemed more controversial than it really was. How foolish to ignore all they had experienced as they walked with Christ and pondered his teachings–the joy and peace that they had experienced… all because they didn’t fully understand one small aspect of His ministry. Oh, if only they had waited for the full context.

I realized then that considering all of my experiences with the Book of Mormon, pondering the teachings of modern and ancient prophets, sharing the Gospel as a missionary, etc., I could wait until all the context was revealed regarding a couple of incidents here and there that, honestly, are anomalies relative to the whole of Church history.

I also realized that there was nowhere else I could go to be brought closer to Christ. Every avenue I considered required me to abandon knowledge about Christ that I knew was true but that I had learned through the Restored Church.

So, like Simon Peter, there were things I didn’t fully understand, things that had led others to doubt and reject the Restored Gospel. But when faced with the question: “Will ye also go away?” I knew my response had to be: “Where else shall I go?”

*Consider sharing this article in support of members who may be struggling with their faith.

10 Comments

My own crisis of faith has been a difficult and winding path. Nothing in the CES document was a surprise to me, and most, if not almost all, I already knew. While I clearly see the reasons to *not* believe the church is true or continue membership, there are also reasons why it *could* be true and used as a path that leads to truths where other faiths can not bring you. Ultimately it comes down to a choice. You can choose to leave or stay. You can find reasons to stay or reasons to go. It is up to you and your own conscience.

A couple of points: So many leaving the church feel that they have been “lied” to or “deceived.” The truth is that the leaders of the church, along with most of the active members, actually believe that the Church is true! They do not think they are promoting a lie! True, until recently, they do not advertise or openly address controversial issues and historical embarrassments. But do you really expect them to? Is that their job as church leaders to say, “Well, this is tricky and complicates things but let’s lay it all out and then let you decide”? For me it’s kind of a “duh” statement and I don’t fault them for that at all. Their “job” is to keep people active in the church! You want to delve into church history and possible reasons it’s not true–go for it! The info has been available for years. Don’t expect the church to provide it and they aren’t “lying” by not providing it.

My second point: trying to persuade other people to leave the church after you have lost your own testimony. While I was in the middle of my darkest struggle with the faith, the LAST thing I would ever wish on my worst enemy was to have to endure the pain I was going through. If someone else is happy in their beliefs and it isn’t hurting you, why on earth would you want to take that away from them? What satisfaction would that bring you? In my mind it is just cruel. People believe all kinds of ridiculous things to help them be happy in life. Let them have their piece of happiness. If someone comes to me with questions, I will openly discuss my issues and findings. But I would never want to influence someone else’s path unless asked to do so.

In the end, I am staying the church. I honestly don’t know if it is true or not–though I do have hope and faith that it could be–and ultimately had to decide that to me it didn’t matter. I actually really love the church as an institution and feel that it does help me grow closer to Christ by being in it. Everything good that I have in my life comes from my membership in the church. That means something and for me that is enough. When I go to church I don’t see deception–I see many flawed people who are trying to be better. And there are some doctrines of the church that do speak as true to my soul, if not all of it or the way in which that information was obtained. For me, going to a different church where those doctrines are not accepted would feel like a backwards step spiritually. I admit that it is a living paradox, but I have found peace with my decision. My life isn’t over yet. I’m not “done” as a human being or follower of Christ. I have faith that the Lord will guide me as I go and fully understands the struggle I have been through and am going through still.

That is one good thing that I think comes from studying church history and having a crisis of faith. It is my opinion, or I would assume, that you now have more compassion for those who decide to leave the church and that you don’t just think “oh, those people are just being decieved.” Thank you so much for sharing. I’m sorry for the struggle that you wen’t threw but I hope that what you have learned and what you now practice has brought you strength or comfort in your decision to stay. I’m so grateful that you have the courage to say I don’t know if it’s true but I stay and it brings me peace. I hope that you can help build understanding and compassion in the church for those who have left. Thank you again for sharing, I really enjoyed reading that.

You are welcome. I agree that most people who are in the church think that those who lose their testimonies and leave are doing so because they are “sinful” or want to lead a more “sinful” less restrictive life. While I’m sure that is sometimes true, there are so many good, honest people who have a hard time with legitimate doctrinal/historical issues. For some people it is just harder to say, “Well, I will put that on the shelf and worry about that later.” The truth is that there are more people who struggle with faith crisises than you know. The leaders of the church have addressed the issue many times in recent conference talks, so you know that it is a major concern. I just wish that it was more okay to talk about this in a church setting. I know that it was extremely helpful for me to talk to the one member I knew who had gone through a faith crisis and decided to stay in the church. It needs to be okay for people to say in testimony meeting, “Hey, I struggle with this sometimes. But I have hope that it is true. I am living my life as if it is true.” I can’t say that I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is true, but isn’t that what FAITH is for? Isn’t that what faith is? Not a perfect knowledge? If you feel you KNOW, awesome. Be happy. But don’t feel like you are more of a member of the church or better because your neighbor may not have that same conviction. There is room for that in the church. And I wish more people felt that there was a place for them even if they have doubts.

Thank you again for sharing. Even though I left the church and I don’t think I would consider myself a Christian, I do have desires to be a part of the community. I know that sounds weird to many people, but I was raised LDS and believed it completely for the majority of my life. Many of the core values are still values that I have. I miss being part of a community that has similar values, that provides easy opportunities to provide service, that provides many opportunities to socialize with others with similar values. I would really like to see it be okay to bear your testimony in church that you don’t know the church is true. I know many people will argue that you already can get up and bear your testimony of the church not being true but it isn’t really socially acceptable in the church to do so. If it were then when kids go up to bear their testimony and their parents whisper in their ears, they could have their kids say, I want to learn if this church is true, but they don’t they have their kids say I know this church is true and I know Christ lives or I know Joseph Smith was a prophet. While it is allowed to bear a testimony of uncertainty it isn’t socially acceptable yet, but I think that can change with more people doing it. I think it would help many members stay in the church to know that others also doubt or have concerns but choose to stay.

Interesting comments I have read. But it comes down to you and your choice. No one is perfect. It depends on what you are searching for. But for me my testimony will never be weaken even if an apostle or Prophet will lead me astray. I have been given the greatest gift of all when I got baptized to discern the truth. I will never judge the history of the Church but I will be grateful of the struggles, hard work they did back in the days because now I am enjoying the fruit of there hard work. Whatever bad or embarrassing things that are are in the History of the Church, they were done by people like us – human errors. Don’t forget the men like David Whitmer, Oliver Cowdery left, the very men who help organize the Church who witness the Angels appear to them and Joseph Smith. That is the reason why we were given the Gift of the Holy Ghost. So each individual will be able to witness the truth of the scriptures and Jesus Christ as they sincerely seek it. I’m so grateful for that gift. I only have to humble myself and be patient, fast and pray sincerely, and I will definitely received answers. My testimony is this is the only true Church on the face of the earth. I will never leave. I will be very stupid if I do. But good luck to you all that are leaving, I hope you will find what you are looking for. And that is your choice and I respect your choice.

I have read similar articles and had similar troubling thoughts about the church. However, a testimony is such a powerful thing that you just can’t ever forget it or deny it – that testimony of the spirit of truth is more powerful than any doubt. I knew that I couldn’t explain everything about the church’s history to the satisfaction of friends and family, and even myself, but neither could I deny the powerful testimony that has been given to me, and the amazing spiritual experiences that I’ve been blessed with. What I don’t understand right now can wait until more enlightenment is given to me. Your wonderful article just confirmed that with scriptural teachings – thank you!