Deeper and deeper

Internal turmoil as I play the wretched tug of war between wanting recovery and wanting the ED.
Due to life circumstances I cannot focus on recovery right now. A couple more weeks and my life will free up for that, but for now it remains at one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, as I sink deeper and deeper.
The weight loss is so reaffirming and comforting, yet it just maintains the ED because I then fear putting it back on.
I feel helpless while I wait for new treatment to begin.
😦