REPORT: River Ranch No Whiter Than Usual Today

RIVER RANCH, LA – Despite an overnight snow flurry that reportedly froze the doors on numerous golf carts and rendered them useless, the upper-class neighborhood of River Ranch didn’t report an increase in any amount of whiteness.

The community received around three inches – slightly more than many of the wives in the area are used to – but despite the gentle scattering of snow, indoor activities such as breakfast mimosas and 6-hour HGTV binges continued as normal.

Lawrence Wills of the National Weather Center explained the lack of increase in whiteness.

“River Ranch, just like much of the state, saw a rare snowfall which covered all of its buildings, vehicles and the ground”, he said, “But according to calculations from many sources, this didn’t increase the overall whiteness of the area.”

“River Ranch is already running at close to maximum whiteness capacity as you can tell from the abundance of Ugg boots and Starbucks cups out in the area today, so the snow hasn’t really added anything.”

“In fact, to increase whiteness at all the snow would have to be the shade of white that we see in Titanium dioxide. We doubt that will ever happen though.”