1st XI record another victory in Saturday League

Iconic match report from Chaz and Sesh

With a couple of the first team regulars unable to play due to coursework, rolling phat burritos and having friends outside of LUMHC, ex-2nd XI skip Bushy got the call up to the squad for this North West Div 3 clash. The boys arrived in Bolton after some hilarious stalling of the mini bus by Gaston to what COULDN’T be described as an Astro turf. With fencing that would remind the older generation of German concentration camps and the kind of playing surface you’d expect to get in a desert, the boys began an improvised warm due to silly fresher Rory forgetting the balls.Push-back commenced with Lancaster instantly putting Bolton under the cosh with an aggressive high press, something Bolton struggled to deal with the whole game. With the home side being forced to play balls out from the back to marked men, the Lancaster defense and midfield were allowed to step in front of their man and gobble up any chance of a Bolton attack.The first goal came from a well-executed short corner by Buster as he rounded the first two runners before cooling flicking the ball into the goal; 1-0 to the visitors. Lancaster’s second goal came shortly afterwards as a scintillating counter attack was brought to an abrupt halt in the opposition’s D as Max was clattered over by the Bolton keeper with no intention of getting the ball. A penalty flick was awarded and up stepped the Drillan, this is the man who lives for the gaps between drills in training to practice the fine art of putting the ball top left bins, and that’s exactly what he did, 2-0. 3-0 came about after another well executed short corner saw Pete deflect the ball into the bottom corner. Lancaster continued to dominate the first half with Gaston giving Bolton’s front man no time as he intercepted every ball that came his way. Mincey also played his part in the midfield pulling off reverse side picks that left the Bolton boys flabbergasted. After a monster aerial over the top from Chazzy (obvs just trying to impress his Mrs) and some great interplay from the forwards, Rory made up for his forgetting of the balls to slot the ball into the bottom corner of the goal. 4-0 and the away side were rampant. Lancaster’s fifth and final goal of the half came from what only could be described as ‘liquid hockey’. After turning the ball over in the Lancaster quarter, some quick passes and a storming run from Max later just left Buster to claim his second of the match, 5-0. The second half began in a similar fashion with non-stop pressure from the boys. Bolton’s defense were getting Biffed this way and that but without out much headway being made. With the game and probably the success of the season hanging in the balance there was only one name on the lips of the travelling faithful… Beryl. Having risen from the dead after a fateful DubFunJ a fortnight before he knew this was why he had been brought back. It was time. He unleashed the full force of the Sky Bar-ber. BOOM! It was 7-0, a quick-fire double for the away side whilst the Bolton defense were mesmerized by the iconic trim, Pete and Buster did the Kreeper proud by penetrating and finishing before Bolton even knew they were there.The ship had been steadied. However, Bolton had been backed into a corner much like Draco’s attempted conquests and again like Draco’s attempted conquests became violent and attempted to escape. One of the Bolton strikers then banged off the 440ml can of Stella he had no doubt ‘acquired’ from the fine corner shop establishment, ‘Misty’s’, pre-game and attacked the helpless Mince pie with a used syringe he found on the halfway line. Although alive, Mincey was mortally wounded and forced to see out the day in the purgatory that is A&E. Now down to ‘alright boys’ *thumbs up* men our heroes were facing a dilemma, be boring and park the bus? Or live up to their potential and go for glory? Despite Gaston being adamant about going home before Sugar the Sesh prevailed and more goals were needed.Liquid hockey ensued. That liquid was Snakey B for most; except for Pete who had non-carbonated H2O as any bubbling liquid was too strong for him. The boys, spurred on by the loss of one of their compatriots were outstanding, especially Beryl who had now found the gravy for his chips and cheese in VK47. With a back-to-back aerial Bin was through but alas couldn’t convert. It wasn’t long before Dylscoop found himself on the opposing 25 yard line and lashed the ball into the D. Chazzy meanwhile had stormed up from the back and invoked memories of 1966 by deflecting the ball straight into Max’s face. In the post match interview Chaz defended his actions and claimed he “loved Germany” whilst choking on Max’s wurst. Max, although dazed wanted to continue. “Nein” Mel shouted, Max was done. Now down to 10 men the boys in red only scored 2 more goals. With the lads trying their best to keep a clean sheet the matches fell out of Gaston’s pocket and he started yet another fire. A spotty 15 year-old picked his pocket and scored after making a mockery of the Kreeper. This did not settle well with Penney. He had not lost 2 brave souls in the Bolton wasteland to concede like that. He avenged his fallen brothers with a wonderfully timed spear tackle. Despite being in awe of the Mike Brown-esque power, Beryl was done for the day as Mel brandished a harsh yet deserved green. Lancaster had lost their spark, their je ne sais quoi and because of this failed to score anymore.1-9, all in all another good win for LUMHC 1st XI.MoM – Bin because he loves “a good bottle of rose”.DoD – Tied between Chazzy and Beryl.Chazzy for 0/5 camaraderie with MaxBeryl for turning down Eddie Jones’s offer of playing for England​