Farrah Abraham had one hard pregnancy. Not only did her and the father of her child, Derek Underwood, have a falling out shortly after she became pregnant, he was involved in a car accident and passed away before Sophia was born.

In Farrah’s new memoir, My Teenage Dream Ended, Farrah dishes on the moment she found out that Derek had been killed. “I got off the phone and tried to calm down, but my mind was racing. Derek was the father of the baby I was carrying inside me. He was my first love, my only true love,” she reveals.

Farrah was forced to go through the rest of her pregnancy alone and in her mind, she wished and wished that they had made up. When he passed, she was eight months pregnant and hadn’t spoken with him in a while.

Farrah also explained that her parents’ words just put anger in her heart. She says that they would say things like “some things happen for a reason,” and Farrah didn’t want to hear it. What reason could there possibly for the father of her child being dead?