I have heard the term ‘prude’ be used just as the term ‘whore’ is. For shaming a person who their relationship with sexuality is not agreeable to the person speaking. I’ve been called both. I’ll speak further on the term ‘prude’ being used as shaming.

If a person chooses to not engage with the sex industry via strip clubs, porn, etc they can at times be shamed by being called a ‘prude’ I know I’ve been called that. Here’s the truth behind ‘prude’ – it has nothing to do with me but rather the person confronted by my choice.

I finally have an authentic relationship with my sexuality & it does not look like how it did when I was a sex addict and I’m happy for that. That’s my personal experience and how it looks for me. Sexual empowerment, again, does not necessarily mean sex on overdrive. It means an authentic relationship with sexuality.

I don’t believe in the term ‘vanilla’ outside of BDSM. The BDSM community that’s how they speak to relate, however, it is not to be used as a shaming term, simply a distinction between BDSM community and those not involved.

When ‘vanilla’ is used outside of a distinction term in BDSM, I find it is often used as grotesque shaming. BDSM is not necessary for a full healthy sexual relationship except for those it is.

To shame those who do not use BDSM is counterproductive.To shame people for not choosing to relate in the way that is authentic for me moves nothing and in my experience just keeps cycling unconsciousness in these discussions on sexuality and any conversation.

The wisdom of a friend shines through in these conversations of racism sharing with me those who speak such things they cannot help themselves, my soul family shares they know not what they do and my mothers voice pierces through the veil, there is nothing to forgive. I am left in tears of surrender.

So to be abundantly clear here, this does not mean I do not forgive or do not believe in the process of forgiveness. Of course I do. To me this touches a very specific place in me when my mother says these words that is hard to put into words as it is a feeling. Forgiveness is an important practice for me and these words touch something that is transformative to me. Can’t word it yet.

Sometimes even in the face of absolute self righteous a-holeness I have to stop and realize, the bottom line is I’m responsible for how I show up and god I have come a LONG way. Because no matter how anyone else shows up, who I choose to be in the face of such identities is ultimately completely and entirely up to me. Being loving and understanding is NOT easy and god it’s a whole lot of work, daily work. And yet here I am. Still trying.

It would be so much easier to pick up my weapons and metaphorically annihilate someone but I’ve come to a point that I don’t want to leave my self with that. In the face of my boundaries being repeatedly violated I’ve finally found my voice to speak up and be loving yet unwavering. Loving to my own being first. I have spent my life advocating for people yet now I stand as my own advocate as that is only my responsibility.

I’m tired of living as if people will respect my boundaries by default. This is naive and dangerous. Now I speak them. I love these people except now not at the expense of me. Love at the expense of me is not really me being loving anyway, that’s an unconscious form of fear manipulation.

I would rather be honest even if in the perception of some people that costs me intimacy, love and connection. I know those who stay in my life and encourage my boundaries love me. I also know some that love me and are confronted by my boundaries either aren’t conscious of it or don’t know better. Either way, it’s my self care to make them conscious of my boundaries and care for my self accordingly.

I’m no longer attached to manipulative and hurtful reactions to me setting a healthy boundary. Be it. No persons temper tantrum to my self care is going to make me sway from being true to me.

I had for so long confused kindness with ‘nice’ which to me is a self numbing to please. To me kindness is not ‘nice’ it does not bend to comfort nor complacency. To me kindness is a powerful stand of love, an open heart calling out to the greatness in self/other. A tender whisper or a strike of lightening with thunder growling ‘Let go of hiding yourself, I see your glory’.
What is kindness to you?