Having Toddler at Birth

01-01-2009, 04:18 PM

Well, I am pregnant!

Still early days and all that, but am thinking about what I want from the birth this time around. I want to have this baby in a midwife led birthing unit (almost a home birth set up but with the option of hospital if need be). My blood pressure went through the roof at the end of my last pregnancy which caused a few problems, I regretted having to go to the hospital, but not really brave enough to do a home birth.

So, I was wondering if any of you had your other children with you for the birth? DS will be coming up to two years. I just cannot imagine sending him away for it. Especially if it turns out to be a marathon like with him (34 hours). He has never stayed the night away anywhere and has never been looked after by anyone else for longer than about half an hour. I know that we have time to get all that into motion, but as he is still BFing and co-sleeps it just seems impossible. Both sets of grandparents live close, and he does know them well..... but MIL is more than likely to 'help' us out by letting him cry himself to sleep - just to show us that it does work (not kidding here, she would do it just to prove us wrong, even if we explicitly told her not to!!!!). And my mother is just a bit useless really and will probably be to 'busy' to help when the time came around.

So, the thought of having him with us came up, but at that age he is going to require lots of attention that we may not be able to provide (if you know what I mean?) So, just wondering if you lot have any words of wisdom or stories?

Hello and congrats!
Long before I had children I was the helper for a freinds 2yr old during the birth of her second child. I have since read that over and over again that the older child needs a designated person to be in charge of their needs and only their needs. That is one option.
In the birth of my second my husband was in charge of my first (3 at the time) That was OK with me because I wanted less people as possible around! I do get a sense that being around and involved-maybe not necessarily in the room during crowning- did a lot for my firstborns sense of connectedness.
<I felt very particuar about not having an 'audience' but if you don't mind one I see no reason why he couldn't be around while you work on getting that baby out>
Some people might suggest that a child would be scared with the sounds and actions around a mother during that time, but at least it wasn't kept from them like it was a secret. It always helps if the birth team and parents have a positive attitude about birth as that is expressed to the child when he hears everyone talking.

I say keep him near you, let him know what is up, and if he want to go walk around outside (with his designated person) while you give birth, so be it, but give him that choice.

Are you in the UK?

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We planned to have DS at DD's homebirth but things progressed very fast at the end and DS was not able to get to the birth in time. Even though he missed the "main event" he was around for enough of the birth that he felt part of the process which I think had a good effect on his relationship with his sister. Here are some important points in my mind (DS was 3 1/2 years at the time, but I suspect that these ideas would still apply.):

-The child is the one who should decided whether they want to be at the birth. They need to be able to change their mind at anytime.

-The child should have an adult buddy devoted only to them at the birth. (Some exceptions ,of course, Naomi )

-The child should be well prepped for the event. They should have seen lots of birth videos and seem comfortable with them. Talked about labour, read books etc. etc.

-Have back-up plans/ideas in the event that things don't go according to plan. For instance what will happen to your child if you need a emergency c-section?

-In the moment, YOU might need your child to leave. Some women who want their child present find that during labour things don't progress until their child is removed from the premises.

-Most important thing is that they are involved with your pregnancy and birth. Which can take many forms and does not necessarily mean that they have to see the baby being born even though that can be a great and amazing thing for them.

Hope some of this is useful,

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when I would go to the visits, DD (who was 27 months when DS was born) would cry when dr touched me measured,etc and would try to push her hand away. We had limited options for childcare but I KNEW that it would not be good for her tobe there, she is very in tune with me and I knew for her to see me in pain would be too much, and DH would have to tend to her and not be able to participate in the birth as he wanted to and do all the 'dad' things that he did when she was born. I am pg too and will be having a hospital birth, and though they will come and visit right after the baby is born I will definately be leaving them at home with my parents (though they are both teachers and baby is coming in April) because it will be way too distracting to me.......and I want the baby to have my undivided attention right after birth just as my other 2 did!!

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I had a chat with DH about it yesterday as hadnt really brought the issue up with him yet..... he just assumed DS would be there anyway and was wondering what all the fuss was about!

I love the idea of having a 'friend' for DS. I will use that one!

I feel like a weight has been lifted! It really just didnt sit right with me to send DS away for this. Its such a huge thing in all of our lives and it seemed unfair that he didnt get to be a part of it. No doubt he will spend most of the time wanting to go for walks around the grounds or out for special trips around the place. But at least he will be able to pop in and out and see what we are up to, have a feed if he wants one and be a part of his new baby brother or sisters life right from the beginning. I love it.

HeatherM - you make a good point about the one on one time with the new baby, that is one reason why doing the birth at the MW unit will work well, because DH and DS cannot stay the night there so it will just be me and new baby for a few nights to get BF sorted and lots of cuddles and alone time.

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i had all kinds of carefully laid-out plans on what to do w/ds1 (he was just about to turn 3) when ds2 was born. but all he wanted to do was ride the elevator!! he could have cared less about what i was doing or that his brand new brother was there. we couldn't get him off of that thing!

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i had all kinds of carefully laid-out plans on what to do w/ds1 (he was just about to turn 3) when ds2 was born. but all he wanted to do was ride the elevator!! he could have cared less about what i was doing or that his brand new brother was there. we couldn't get him off of that thing!

I love it!

ooh NZ !
my hubby did some student teaching there and we have been talking of living there for a year. I have heard it has a wonderful 'birth culture' maybe I'll have my 3rd there!

Yes, NZ is pretty good as far as birthing practices go. All maternity care is provided by the government. You have a choice of carer, but in saying that the Dr's who do it have to specialize in antinatal care, so there arent many Dr's to choose from. So most people have a personal midwife and then there are teams of midwives at the hospitals that work with your midwife while you are there. I found that 'behind the looking glass' thing interesting as there are no baby wards here. You room in with your baby for up to three days (more if you have a C-section) while the hospital provides you with lactation consultants and parenting classes - if you choose to. Then your midwife provides six weeks of after birth care - visits weekly or more if needed. Then once that is over all Dr visits or prescriptions are free until your child is five.

So, as with all systems there are problems, but on the whole the NZ antinatal care is very good.