Let’s pretend for a minute that the owners of our beloved Detroit sports franchises didn’t already look at tonight’s Mega Millions jackpot like a single paycheck. If Mike Ilitch, William Ford (the young one, not that old moron), or Tom Gores won the $640 million up for grabs, what should they buy for their respective teams?

Tigers – Mike Ilitch

What do you get for the team that already has everything? For one, Mr. I could pay off the rest of Prince Fielder’s contract (or maybe like a year of it). Another useful pick-up could be a real second baseman. Soon-to-be-free-agent Brandon Phillips of the Cincinnati Reds comes to mind (though, don’t rule that out next offseason anyway). Extending Justin Verlander and Miguel Cabrera should happen immediately (lottery or not, get it done Mr. I). And, as many would suggest, paying Brandon Inge another couple million dollars to just go away would also be a smart business decision.

Lions – the Ford family

Continuing the jokes about historically massive contracts, Calvin Johnson recently scored himself a payday. Another use could be getting a real left tackle (though they’re dropping like flies at the moment) and treating Jeff Backus’ new contract as hush money. Matthew Stafford might even chip a few bucks towards this cause. The Lions should also pay some German scientist to develop a bubble for the running backs (Jahvid Best specifically) that will keep them healthy for an entire season.

Michigan Wolverines and Michigan State Spartans

[This section removed by the NCAA to continue to argue that their cash cows are still called “student athletes.” Because yeah, we believe that.]

Red Wings – Mike Ilitch

How many ways can I say “a machine that allows us to clone and/or preserve Nick Lidstrom to keep him around for 20 more seasons?” Oh, Zach Parise and Ryan Suter/Shea Weber would be nice too.

Pistons – Tom Gores

I’m not sure if $640 million is enough for this overhaul. Setting Joe Dumars up with a nice house in the Cayman Islands would be a good start. Next, buying out the contracts of Tayshaun Prince, Ben Gordon, and Charlie Villanueva needs to happen (seriously, why hasn’t Villanueva amnestied by now?). Finally, going nuts on the free agent market will at least land us a Finals berth. Of course, it doesn’t guarantee a ring, does it LeBron?