Make It Stop: Week of 10.28.13

Time once more for Make It Stop, in which we count down the five things this week that must stop.

1. Old Goosebumps DVDs. These are supposed to be for kids? Really? Holy shit, they are TERRIFYING. Every time my kid brings one home from the library, I shudder in fear. I think that I’ll maybe get a reprieve and happen upon one that’s too laughably dated to fill me with fear and dread, but NO. No, each one ends up being more terrifying than the last. My kid says these DVDs don’t scare her but she’s completely full of shit. Kids always try to puff their chests and act as if nothing scares them. And then the night falls and we find out what they’re TRULY made of, which is tears and shivers.

Old horror movies and scary TV shows either age poorly, or they become scarier as the years go by. There’s some strange alchemy of shoddy acting and creature makeup that causes something like GOOSEBUMPS to be even creepier now than when they first aired. They seem realer than a more polished horror production. Those DVDs are banned, even if they were free at the library. Fuck that.

2. The Star Wars Episode VII Rush Job. Despite requests from producers for more time to make the next Star Wars movie, you know, good, Disney is gonna rush this fucker into production regardless of whether or not there’s an actual script to be had. Please note that George Lucas had all the time in the world to write the prequel trilogy and still did a terrible job with it, and now here comes Disney ready to plow ahead, even though old fans desperately need a quality sequel to restore their faith in the franchise. I’m all for working under duress--it often ends up forcing artists do better work--but ask Daniel Craig if going into the filming of _Quantum of Solace _without a working script was a good idea. That time you use to prepare on the front end reaps massive rewards when you get to the end result, but Disney clearly doesn’t give a shit. You may as well prepare yourself now for a Star Wars sequel that looks nice and is passably entertaining and ends up being utterly forgettable.

3. Trick-or-treating in the rain. Really, God? You’re gonna do everyone like that? I can’t even get these pumpkins to stay lit now. This year, it rained just as trick or treating began. My wife sprained her ankle after slipping on a wet road. I threw my back out. And the kids bitched because I didn’t let them eat all of the candy. Do we really NEED Halloween? Nothing good comes of it.

4. Your blackface costume. Every year, someone is dumb enough to dress up in blackface for Halloween and we must again go through all of the reasons why throwing down blackface at Halloween is wildly inappropriate. We shouldn’t be having this discussion again and again and again. We have other shit we need to accomplish. Just trust me when I tell you that your pleas in favor of blackface ("We live in a postracial society!") don’t hold up and never will. You can rock the Sly & the Family Stone costume and people will sort it out even if you keep your face nice and pasty.

5. The idea of Banksy leaving New York. Please don’t go. We need you. You can be President as far as I’m concerned. DO NOT LEAVE US, YOU FANTASTIC TRICKSTER GHOST YOU.

Drew Magary is a GQ correspondent and a staff writer for Deadspin. Follow him on Twitter via @drewmagary and order his new book about fatherhood, Someone Could Get Hurt, at his website

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