10 December 2016

One thing I've noticed about myself lately is this lack of awareness while at work. A couple nights ago this was exemplified by the fact that while standing with some people, I took slight movement backwards, and I tripped and fell right on my butt. It was quite the scene too - like overly dramatic was the fall. lol - it was funny, and I did my best not to take it personally, or feel embarrassed, because it was just an accident, it happened.. nothing to do about it now, except notice and question why did I fall? Why was I not aware of what was behind me, why was I not aware of my environment in that moment, and so how to move myself in a way where I wouldn't fall?

This experience shed a light on something I've been slowly realizing more and more, which is that I often lack the self-awareness, and the slowing down within myself, to really take notice, and pay attention to who I am at work - as my thoughts, my words, and my deeds. I've noticed that I require to be an example at work, as the solution to some of my conflicts with other people, though I also need to take notice, and understand why I say certain things, or participate in certain conversations at work, that do not support me or others, but only validates and justifies our current level of existence... where most of us are absolutely unaware of ourselves in a single moment, as our thought, words, and deeds.

So something I am going to begin working on more diligently - who am I at work? Who am I in relation to my co-workers? Who am I in my work environment? How do I move? How do I speak to others? How do I engage with others? and most importantly... why? What are my starting points for who I am at work?

I realize it will be a process, but it's clear I'm in need of becoming more aware at work... to start working on myself while at work, to slow down, to breathe, to be aware of when I speak, how I speak, and why I speak. To be aware of my environment, and those within it I work so closely with. To settle the conflicts within myself in relation to some people I work with, and to implement solutions that not only support me, and others, but that are also examples of how each one can change and create a working environment that is not only best for ourselves, but for all of us. So starting with myself here... getting to know 'me at work', and how I can change that 'me at work'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unaware of myself while at work... not paying attention to who I am, as my thoughts, my words, and my deeds.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to slow down at work, enough so that I can start to notice, and understand why I say or do certain things while at work that I later sometimes regret or wish I hadn't done or said

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in conversations while at work that do not support myself or others to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move so fast at work, I don't take notice or pay attention to who I am, as my thoughts, my words, and my deeds while at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run on auto-pilot while at work wherein I am not directing myself but instead being directed my my thoughts, feelings, and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to literally fall at work while not being aware or paying attentino to myself, and my surroundings, and knowing exactly how to support myself in the environment and thus not allow myself to trip over things

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to focus more on breathing at work as a point of self-support to establish my self-awareness while at work

When and as I see myself saying or acting in ways at work that I know I will later regret, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such behavior is sustained from my lack of self-awareness and existing within auto-pilot and so I commit myself to take notice in those moments why I chose the words I did, or the actions/behaviors that I did as a point of better getting to know and understanding myself as who I am at work

09 December 2016

Today I noticed another aspect/dimension of an experience I have in relation to a family member. (see previous blog for more context). It was an experience in relation to the words proper, and improper. Obviously one having a positive energy definition to it, the other having the negative definition to it. And within the experience of feeling 'improper' or defining myself as 'improper', I experience inferiority, nervousness and fear.

I felt as if I did not live up to a certain expectation from me as per our social acceptances and allowances, and thus defined myself as being improper. And in this experience of being improper, went into fear, and attempted to 'make right' or 'make light' of my experiences as how I communicated with another. It's like physically I experienced myself as tense, and nervous, and anxious even, yet within that - still attempted to present a 'proper' image of myself as how I thought another expected me to be/behave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as improper and to within this definition, attach a negative energy toward that word

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ear being improper around person A as feeling I will be judged or condemned by them for being improper

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/associate not being proper, or being improper, as being inferior/weak/lacking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I will be condemned and judged by others for being improper

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value on how others see/define/judge me

I forgive myself that I have separated myself from the words improper and proper by defining both words within/as an energy charge of polarity and as being positive and the other as negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being improper and so desire to be proper

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I must be ashamed of myself if I do not live up or live out social norms as social expectations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trigger an experience of inferiority, anxiety, fear and weakness when I define myself as being improper

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define proper or being improper as something someone outside of me defines, as it must be according to them that I am living up to the standard of what is proper instead of redefining the word for myself and to live the word for myself that is real, substantial, and self-supportive, and not dependent on an external source as people in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly feel as thought I'm never being proper and thus feel I am lacking or not living up to a standard I should be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always attempt to please and appease others in an attempt to not be seen as improper, and so prevent any judgment or condemnations from others

When and as I see myself as judging myself as improper, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that how I currently defined being proper/improper is based on expectations from external sources, and so in my attempt to live up to what I believe is socially acceptable, I create experiences of inadequacy, inferiority, and weakness. I commit myself to thus stop living for outside/external expectations and rather work on creating a standard for myself within the context that is best for all - wherein I define proper to be that which considers all aspects of a situation within integrity, self-honesty, and based on principles that are treating others as i would like to be treated

When and as I see myself physically becoming tense, nervous, and experiencing myself as not being proper, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that in such a physical state I have already accepted myself to go into and activate this belief that I must be or act a certain way as per societal expectations, and so I commit myself to slowing down in such moments, and not allowing myself to act out of this fear of begin inferior or being judged for being improper, and to rather ground myself, and the energy experience to rather move and express myself in a point of self-awareness, and not in attempting to 'save fave' and present a 'proper me'