Jews, Non-Jews and My Anti-Semitic Girlfriend

I had been dating Jennifer for a year and a half. Things were getting serious. My friends were all starting to get engaged or settling down into single life for the long haul. I felt the pressure building to commit to my relationship in a real way, namely having her move in.

Every time we had a few drinks Jen would ask me what I thought about living together. I would fumble with my words, trying to buy myself a few more months. I would lamely explain how I really liked my roommates and how tough real estate was in NYC. When the boozy haze cleared, there was no sign the next day that these conversations ever took place.

Soon, my excuses began to dwindle. By the end of June, both of my roommates got engaged and began making arrangements to move out by the end of July. I was left with a big empty apartment and nobody to share the rent. It seemed like now was the time for the “trial run” with Jen. We had agreed that she would move in at the beginning of August.

My mind raced ahead. “Trial run” sounded innocuous enough, but I had enough friends go through these scenarios that I knew how this would inevitably play out. We would spend a year living together, then pressure would mount to buy a ring and propose, then we would be engaged for another year, and then we would be married. Forever.

So this was it. It was the decision to last forever, yet it seemed like just a bunch of ‘I-guess-so’s piled up in a heap. I had something else on my mind as well, a secret looming larger by the day.

I had started becoming interested in my Judaism. And Jennifer wasn’t Jewish.

I had explored all sorts of spiritual pathways and Judaism was last on my list.

I had begun to a search for deeper meaning in life. I was always interested in philosophy and spirituality, but it the most general terms. That past winter I had started reading about Jewish philosophy. I had explored all sorts of spiritual pathways and Judaism was last on my list. It hadn’t registered as an option until one of my best friends sent me a lecture to listen to by Rabbi Akiva Tatz.

I began devouring them. Soon I had listened to almost every one of the lectures except the most relevant and onerous of them all: “Jew, Non-Jew and Intermarriage.” It leered at me each day as my mouse cursor brushed over it.

Meanwhile, my relationship with Jennifer was great, at least on paper. We had the same interests, liked the same foods, never fought. Yet, there was something missing. As my passion for spirituality grew, I noticed something in our conversations. I would begin talking about a deeper topic and she would follow along up until a certain point. Then, like hitting a cement wall, her face would go blank and she would change the topic. “Want to see a movie tonight?” or “What do you want for dinner?”

After a few months of listening to Rabbi Tatz, I started dabbling in keeping Kosher. I subtly cut pork and shellfish from my diet.

“Want to go for oysters?”

“No, I don’t think I’m in the mood.”

My inner world was beginning to diverge from the image I was portraying. I was living a lie.

I finally worked up the courage to share my journey with Jen. I took her out to a fancy dinner and told her that I needed to ask her something.

“If we were to have kids together, eventually, someday…I really want to raise them Jewish. Could you live with that?”

She fell silent and looked down at her plate, idly turning vegetables with her fork. She told me that she would have to get back to me.

There were so many Catholics in the world and so few Jews, why not root for the underdog?

The next week she told me that she could do that. She asked her mom what she thought, and her mom had agreed that it made sense. There were so many Catholics in the world and so few Jews, why not root for the underdog? And besides, neither of us was really religious. We could do Christmas and Hanukkah. No problem.

This made me feel much better. But I soon realized that I had just applied a band-aid when I needed to do brain surgery. What did it mean “raise the kids Jewish” if we were going to have Christmas in the house also? I became even more confused than I was before.

Those Jews

Fast forward to the 4th of July. Jen and I had decided to spend the long weekend at her parents’ house in a New York City suburb where she grew up. Her father, Jack, had finally warmed up to me, inviting me to the yearly golf outing that I had heard so much about but had not yet qualified for.

Jack took us out to see the fireworks. We watched them on the water where he knew a bar owner and his friend was playing guitar that night. After a beautiful fireworks display and many rounds of celebratory beers, we decided to head back to their house.

We were driving down the highway back towards Jack’s house and the conversation opened up, with a good deal of liquor lubricating it. After some banter about which band and beer we liked best, Jack brought up a new topic.

“Hey, Elliot. Do you remember my friend Steve? His son, Rob, nice Catholic kid. He ended up marrying this Jewish girl last year. Crazy wedding, I have to tell you. The girl’s father stood up in the middle of the ceremony and tried to stop the wedding. He started quoting scripture, said she was a lamb that strayed from the flock. It was awful. The families don’t speak anymore. Now she’s pregnant and her father refuses to see her. Can you believe that?”

I stammered that I indeed could not believe it, not quite knowing what to say. Jack went on to describe how Rob’s Jewish wife was now completely disconnected from her family. By his tone, Jack didn’t mean anything directly hostile towards me, but they seemed frighteningly applicable to Jen and me.

There was a new topic in the car: Jews and their separateness. Jen was raised in a New York City suburb next to a very large Jewish community. Jack and Jen began talking about the traits of their Jewish neighbors while I sat as still as a statue in the passenger seat, my secret Jewish identity writhing in pain inside of me.

“These Jews cover the streets in trash. They are just so disgusting, with their long black coats and fur hats, clogging the intersections on Saturday mornings. We have to drive by with you tomorrow, Elliot, just to see the filth of it all.”

What hurt me more than Jack’s anti-Semitic diatribe was Jen agreeing with him.

What hurt me more than Jack’s anti-Semitic diatribe was Jen agreeing with him. She quickly became the ringleader of the conversation. She was going to be my wife? He was going to be the grandfather of my children? In their eyes, I wasn’t one of those Jews. Waves of nausea pounded my throat as they talked over the silent Jew in the passenger seat.

They continued describing their repulsive Jewish neighbors who were ruining the town. It felt as if I was all alone in the car, watching Jack and Jen laugh and mock from a telescope a million miles away. I had to make a choice: Would I cling to the image I portrayed outside that felt so artificial, or would I decide to redefine myself as the person who I felt I was on the inside?

We finally arrived at the house, Jen and Jack laughing and hugging over a fun night while my mind reeled. We went inside to go to sleep. I tossed and turned all night, mulling over my future and contemplating the difficult choices laid out in front of me.

The next morning I woke up with a cold resolve as to what I must do. I quietly ate breakfast with the family and we headed back to the city. I went back to my apartment and made a plan of what I would say. How I would explain who I was and why I couldn’t reconcile that with the thoughts that had been made clear to me on that car ride.

I showed up at her apartment and asked to speak with her in her room, away from her roommate. I broke the news that she couldn’t move in. That repressed inner personality burst forth like a river through a crack in a dam. I told her about my secret Jewish studies, the fierce connection that I felt to the stories that I had heard from rabbis and the generations of Jews who had suffered so much to carry Judaism forward throughout the years.

It was not easy. Our breakup lasted a month. She told me that she was interested in taking conversion classes. I went to see a therapist who specialized in interfaith couples to see what to do.

After about ten minutes with the therapist, I decided to embrace the real me that wanted to explore my Judaism, to fully realize the person who was being built from within over the past half year. Staying with Jen as she went through a forced conversion borne of anti-Semitism and a broken relationship sounded like a half measure that would leave me in limbo. I had to commit.

I didn’t reconcile with her. Now I was free to take classes, to check out what Shabbat actually meant. I had time to explore and embark on the journey whose final destination I did not know.

Looking back, even that “me” who broke through and made that difficult, life-changing decision is different than the person I am now. If you would have asked the “me” that walked out of that apartment, fists jammed into pockets, tears crowding his eyes, where he would be in a year, there would be no way he would have said, “Studying Torah in Jerusalem.” But here I am.

For the first time in my life, I have looked inside and asked myself that most difficult question: “Who am I?” I still don’t fully know the answer but I’m trying very hard to find out. At least my interior matches my exterior.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 73

(54)
Anonymous,
January 20, 2016 3:59 PM

Mr. Elliot, what you did took a lot of strength and courage. Your soon to be wife will have much admiration to your actions. She will appreciate that you left the life you "loved" meaning freedom to be non observant and chose a deeper meaning to what life meant. This is the life you really love. GD is proud, your future wife is proud. Believe it or not Jen is proud too. She and "Vinny" build a small family where they go to church every Sunday, have a huge Xmas tree. She is forever great full that she ended marrying someone who will eat oysters with her and extremly grateful to have her kids baptised. This is what you escaped: a lifetime of fights due to religious beliefs. This is what you gained: wisdom, stronger faith, enormous overcoming battle with yetzer hara, and eternal love with whom you will meet/mate with Gd willing soon under the Chupah where you will say mekudeshet li : you are holy for me to her.

(53)
Mike,
January 13, 2016 6:54 PM

One of the best articles I've read

no exaggeration!I'd just add that the website www.simpletoremember.com is really good,too.

(52)
Anonymous,
January 10, 2016 6:24 AM

great article

Inspiring

(51)
Zel,
January 8, 2016 8:12 PM

Stay Jewish

I am aware that Jewish marriages can fail while some intermarried couples are happily married, and also that there are some wonderful non Jews and some horrid Jews. But being Jewish is such an honor that to give it up is tragic. Yes we are persecuted for being Jews but that is the reason we are so special, because we stayed Jews anyway. We knew we were OK as we are and if others said otherwise, their mindset was faulty, not our religion. However, it is true that Derech Eretz Kudma L'Torah and that there are a few neighborhoods where the drivers do not care about other drivers or where garbage accumulates and is indeed disgusting. And Chassidic Jews look obviouslyJewish so represent us all. Please, if you wear a shtreimel do not be a "Chazar with a shtreimel" as the expression goes. Make a kiddush hashem not a chillul Hashem. What that father said may be true rather than anti semitism ( baseless). Hope the writer marries a nice Jewish girl...

(50)
Mindy,
January 8, 2016 5:35 AM

Kudos to Elliot...

Elliot, I am so glad for you that you were able to gather strength and 'take the leap of faith', and break up with Jen. Because of your sacrifce, may you merit seeing children, children and great grandchildren living as Proud Jews.....

(49)
Joshua,
January 8, 2016 4:00 AM

Good choice(s)

That's hard. Good for you. Been there. Funny thing was, I thought I was Jewish, and when I became serious about learning about Judaism (also via R' Tatz lectures online as well as R' M. Becher), suddenly realized that I wasn't. My mother's conversion wasn't valid. So I ended up the one who converted. Married a wonderful frum from birth girl, with a large, respected, Torah-observant family who welcomed me with open arms and with whom I share a mutual deep affection and admiration. G-d won't let you down for choosing to nourish your Jewish neshama.

(48)
Anna,
January 7, 2016 9:15 PM

I can't believe that someone would have the total lack of sensitivity that would make them think that a Jewish person would be happy to be in a relationship with them in spite of their dislike of Jews and approval of the Holocaust. I suppose that this girl thought it was a compliment, I don't usually like Jews, but you're all right. Oh, thank you so much for your condescension, I am really grateful for it.

How can anyone dislike or like a group or race or religion whose members are in millions ? It's stupid to say that one likes or dislikes Jews, Chinese, Muslims, Scots....unless one has met them all, which is highly unlikely.

(47)
Marl,
January 7, 2016 7:05 PM

Jewish spouse - non-Jewish Spouse

Jewish small s vs n-J capital S:

My first husband was born in Poland during WWII and came to this country in the year I was born. We met and my mother was so happy for me to find a "nice Jewish boy and a professional."

He did NOT want to join a synagogue after our first was born. He used derogatory names for Jews.

After a dozen years, I left.

Many years later, I met and married a non-Jewish man - who embraced Judaism and was learning Hebrew and enjoyed attending synagogue.

Life was wonderful. He was a mensch. (yes, "was")

He died not long after we joined the synagogue.

Might as well say that my ex and his new wife joined a synagogue and they are big muckymucks there. Meanwhile, our firstborn converted to another religion because of his hypocritical ways - she wanted nothing to do with any Jewish man.

Marriage is tough enough - which is why it's most important to find the soul of the person you're dating BEFORE committing to a life together.

Had I been sage enough I would NOT have married the first one ... he was not a capital spouse.

My second husband was a Mensch and Spouse in every way.

Thank you for writing the article. You did good!

(46)
Anonymous,
January 7, 2016 12:56 PM

This article helped me finalize a decision.

I will no longer be attending any interfaith weddings. Kol Hakavod to Elliot for averting disaster. On a slightly tangential note, I would like to pose a question to the aish posters. How do you get out of attending interfaith weddings without offending people? I have no problem turning down the wedding invitation of an acquaintance, but of course family is much trickier.

Anonymous,
January 7, 2016 3:56 PM

Get off your high horse

It is NOT YOUR WEDDING!!!!! How can you be friends with someone and not out yourself. If they know how you REALLY feel, then they shouldn't invite you. How do you know every in and out of their relationship? And if forbid, they do get divorced, (you know Jewish-Jewish married people get divorced too!) Will you be the first to "I told you so!!! or worse "I knew it wasn't right" or I knew it wouldn't work! . . I know a few couples where the non-Jewish spouse converted AFTER years of marriage, on their own timeline. So be upfront and tell them why. This woman wasn't right for him NOT because she wasn't Jewish, because she wasn't a good person, IMHO.

Miriam,
January 15, 2016 1:05 PM

You might offend them

but you won't offend G-d. Like, you wouldn't attend a ceremony where the ceremony was that of gathering together to watch the main players kick your father in the face and knock him down, right? So that's why you're not attending an intermarriage. It will offend them but it offends your Father worse.The difference is that the main players have absolutely no clue what they are doing. They are simply clueless. Therefore, you still want to remain friendly afterwards. Who knows? You might help them return.But no, you don't want to attend the ceremony, no matter how offended they might be.

(45)
Refoel Davis,
January 7, 2016 4:26 AM

Beautiful story.

Thank you for sharing this with us. Every person on their level has times when they need to be courageous and to make tough decisions in life to follow the Torah's holy path. You have shown that it is possible.

(44)
KP,
January 7, 2016 2:57 AM

WOW!

Wow!!! I give the author of this article a world of credit!!! You made the right decision!!!! Bezrat Hashem you should find your soulmate that shares your vision!! Much success!

(43)
MA Rubinstein,
January 7, 2016 12:41 AM

going the other way--and feel good about it

I started as a conservative jew and am now a Cultural Jew--with demi gods thr IDF. This was a long process but as a specialist in comparative religion. my wife and I feel Jewish but not in any religious way. I take aspects of most religions but do no follow only one.Here my younger son has guided me and his agnostisim is part of my system. your other lost love and found religion I los t one religionand found a wider world and more interesting cultural and spiritual world.

(42)
Lianne,
January 6, 2016 8:58 PM

Beautiful and chilling.

Your article spoke so deeply to me, I too was in a place where my nice catholic boyfriend was ready to get more serious. BH it happened just before my trip to Israel, GD had my escape planned. I remember sitting in a room of new immigrants in Jerusalem and someone said, well at least here no one will call you a bloody Jew. It struck me so deeply, finally I was in a place where I could be myself, my irreligious, very curious Jewish self. I was finally in a place where it was okay to be Jewish, in fact I fit in because I was Jewish! Go for it! Learn all you can, go slow and commit with baby steps. Welcome to the most beautiful heritage.

(41)
Constance,
January 6, 2016 7:40 PM

Congratulations on listening to that inner voice

Blessings on you Elliot for listening to that inner voice. I made the mistake of not listening and married a non-Jew because unfortunately I was not raised in a very observant home and I didn't know the importance of marrying another Jew. So, our marriage was horrible. He tried to make me stop being Jewish because I guess in his mind since I had married a non-Jew that that suddenly meant I was no longer Jewish. He didn't want me teaching my children Judaism and ended up turning viciously against me. Needless to say we are now divorced and I have to live with some very awful consequences of not listening to my inner voice.

(40)
Misty tab,
January 6, 2016 4:57 PM

You lied to her and misreprensted yourself!

Your story makes me sad. It shows almost no regrads for this woman's feelings. It is behaviour like this that feeds antisemitism. You could have been a much better ambassodor of ours, explaining to them the atrocities that the jews have gone through, hence the protectiveness. We are not chosen because we are better, we are chosen to be a light onto other nations, to be role models of good and high conciousness. How did you represent that? You led her on. Antisemetism exists but we can all do something even in the smallest ways to educate people. How did you leave that misguided family? Where they happy to know you...or did you leave them thinking that here's another jew... separating and causing more division. We can't go into a hole and live by ourselves. We are here for tikun olam. How did you contribute to that? There's no excuse for the dad's comment and for her agreeing to them but how are you any better by judging them instead of helping them understand our side any better?

MalkaL,
January 7, 2016 1:40 PM

Elliot made a responsible decision!

On the contrary, Elliot saved himself and his former girlfriend alot of grief. It was only when he began to seek Judaism that he discovered his girlfriends inner feelings about religion and her thoughts about Jewish people in general. He was a caring partner trying to reconcile and make things work (Explaing his thoughts on raising their future children Jewish etc.)This relationship clearly could not go on any further, People break up, what does that have to do with fueling anit-semitism? Should he have stayed in this doomed relationship for the sake of Tikun Olam?Some interfaith families can become strong Jewish Observant families. Clearly the author just did not see this happening.

He made a mature and responsible decision. May he find his true beshert and learn and grow in his heritage.Thank you Elliot for showing what it is like to return to our heritage and sharing your journey with all of us.Maybe he did not learn from his parents or peers growing up but he is teaching and "raising" himself up all over again!

(39)
Anonymous,
January 6, 2016 3:52 PM

before its too late

I know it must have hurt, but thank you for taking a stand and for sharing your story to encourage others. After about 15 years of marriage I started to seriously consider Judaism. Once I made the decision to convert, I learned from my mother that her maternal side is/was Jewish, but had assimilated into Catholicism. So now I'm in the sticky situation of having a family - spouse and children - and wondering how to regain this lost treasure, and if it's too late to pass it on to them. Better to know and not have such a mess to untangle later.

(38)
Patricia Whitmore,
January 6, 2016 3:17 PM

Agree with his solution.

A good decision was made here. It is difficult to "give up" ones religious beliefs no matter how "tolerant" a person has become about such things. No one should have to become someone they are not for love. Somewhere down the line, this division would have become a major problem. Congratulations to this young man for being true to himself and his roots.

(37)
Scott,
January 6, 2016 8:38 AM

How did this happen?

I guess the tragedy here is that elliot was a jew, American I'm guessing, and never investigated judiasm until he was an adult of marriageable age.

Where were his parents when he was young? Where was his community? Where was his shul?

The guy was like five minutes from marrying a goy from an antisemitic family and ending the jewishness of his family. Not to mention the feelings of the young lady with whom he should have never become intimate.

Good for elliot who has started to discover the joy of who he is. Shame on everyone who didn't teach him earlier.

Anonymous,
January 1, 2017 11:45 AM

Yes, shame on EVERYONE who did not teach him earlier

There are no guarantees in life. Elliot could have had an excellent yeshiva education and could still have gone off the derech. However, that scenario is a lot less likely. I was brought up by parents who only provided (very little) Jewish education in order to please the grandparents. There is quite a bit of intermarriage in my estended family and it only continues to grow.

(36)
Anonymous,
January 6, 2016 7:03 AM

inspiring

Thank you for sharing this inspiring story! May Hashem bless you for having the courage to listen to your soul.

(35)
Anonymous,
January 6, 2016 2:40 AM

Painful, but right decision

Elliot made the right decision and will find his bashairt.

(34)
Leonard,
January 6, 2016 1:39 AM

Goy( non-Jew ) never really gets it what it is being Jewish.

Marriage in itself has a difficult start, when two different personalities are coming together. If u have additional source of arguments such as religion, Sunday hebrew school, ( why Hebrew and not French) etc it creates more stress, confused children who mostly prefer the majority non- jewish, non-problematic side. many so called half-Jewish kids become ashamed and hide from their one of the parent's problematic roots. A Jewish soul is so so special, we can relate to a Jewish person from another country who's language we don't even know, but a Goy( non Jew ) never gets it. Very proud of you ElliotHatzlacha. Leonard

(33)
Ester Devorah,
January 6, 2016 12:21 AM

Mazel tov to you!

You faced a decision and I personally think you were responsible enough to make the right choice. I do not believe a marriage with this young woman would have led to a happy life. Marriage is hard enough without such hateful in-laws.... Trust me, I know. Sometimes the divisions are only between being observant and not being.... Find out who you are going to me and then find someone like you. Best of luck to you and G-d's blessings to you, young man!

Anonymous,
January 6, 2016 2:16 PM

He did her a favor

He did her - and Judaism - a favor. His intolerance would make her life miserable, and if he doesn't become too Orthodox, it's better that he marry someone Jewish.

Anonymous,
January 1, 2017 11:48 AM

Re: He did her a favor

"His intolerance would make her life miserable?" What about the comments made by HER FATHER? Both Jen and her father thought Elliot was alright because he was not one of "those Jews." Also, it is always better to marry in the faith.

(32)
Anonymous,
January 6, 2016 12:17 AM

Good job.

Right decision. A win-win situation for both of you and the immediate family

(31)
Rafael,
January 5, 2016 11:16 PM

It is you who is changing

Jen loved you as a secular Jew and their Catholizism was not a focal point . On the other hand your newly found Strong Jewish identification changed the game drastically . Jens family thought you were gonna turn into " one of them" . Jen and her family would probably be just as turned off by an evangelical quoting scripture . Deeply religious people can only be tolerated by deeply religious people of their own denomination . Find a Jewish girl that understands where your head is at ! Mind you ... It has to be a religious Jewish girl to follow you where your going . Good luck

(30)
Erika kish,
January 5, 2016 10:42 PM

Let your lite shine as the stars

What a story ,and so sad. My soul is joyful, that you made the right, the only decision . Many blessings will come to you. How uncomfortable you must have felt . People still talk so stupid rude uneducated about Jews . But your destined to shine ,to teach ,and make thi wonderful World a better place.

(29)
Anonymous,
January 5, 2016 9:13 PM

He sounds like me. Except I did married that girl. I have two kids 8 years old girl, and 15 years boy.They are not going to be Jews. It hurts.

(28)
Anonymous,
January 5, 2016 8:00 PM

whew!

Thank HaShem you didn't marry this bigot and bring confused children into the world...stay true to Torah...you won't go wrong. And lay off the booze...

(27)
RF,
January 5, 2016 7:55 PM

Don't Agree

As someone in an intermarriage for over 40 years...I don't agree. You marry a person...not a religion. I converted to Judaism after 7 years because "I" wanted to. We each made compromises up to that point but we worked it out. Why??? Because we loved each other. A simple read of his story shows that he never really "loved" Jen. He used Religion as an excuse to end a relationship he was not committed too. She even was willing to investigate Conversions classes. If he really loved her...he could have worked things out like it did with me and my wife.

(26)
Pamela Fender,
January 5, 2016 7:32 PM

Can it work?

I dated an Italian Catholic cancer research doctor in New York. I was living in California (and still do.) He was crazy about me. We talked about the future and he wanted to raise the kids Catholic.End of relationship. Period.

(25)
Anonymous,
January 5, 2016 7:16 PM

Wonderful story

Every blessing on your new life and your walk of faith. May you know Yah's presence every step of the way and may you find a lovely wife to share the journey with you.

(24)
austin,
January 5, 2016 6:49 PM

my impression is tht he always had unconcious reservations about her, and finding his Jewishness was a way to breakup, without rejecting her outright

(23)
Lee,
January 5, 2016 6:26 PM

Beatiful

"Staying with Jen as she went through a forced conversion borne of anti-Semitism and a broken relationship sounded like a half measure that would leave me in limbo. I had to commit."---such a powerful line. Your ancestors would be proud

(22)
Melissa,
January 5, 2016 6:07 PM

Don't forget about the alcohol component

You also witnessed the 'family' crowd dynamic when there is alcohol involved. There have been many difficult moments in my interfaith family and alcohol has playing a role in all of them. This is a crowd mentality where scapegoating is par for the course with many people - if not the jews, then, the JW people, then the refugees, then black people, then women, the elderly ... someone has to take a turn 'dancing with the tinker's daughter' .. Yes i think the conversation was anti-seminitic, but don't forget the 'booze factor'.

(21)
Baruch,
January 5, 2016 6:01 PM

Anti-Semitic Jews?

Unfortunately, I have heard Jews make the same kinds of comments about Hassidim or Hareidim that Jen and her father made. I guess they are also anti-Semitic.

(20)
Brad,
January 5, 2016 5:51 PM

opposites attract but is that a good thing?

Very interesting dilemma. It sounds like you made a good decision, but I agree with another responder to your article who said your gf and her parents may not be anti-semitic but just observing a behavior, rightly or wrongly. After all it sounds like the treated you well and accepted you.

In my experience there are multiple forces at play when it comes to finding a partner. To produce strong offspring, opposites attract. Also people from different religions,nationalities or backgrounds can seem "exotic" and attractive.

However as people age into their 50's and 60's, the same forces that brought the couple together can push them apart because each identifies with their own culture, religion, etc. This might make for strong offspring but weaker marriages, though I doubt there is a study that proves or disproves my theory. It is only based on observing other couples, and might explain why divorce rates rise later in life, when life should theoretically be easier.

Good luck and stay strong to your principles.

(19)
talia,
January 5, 2016 5:47 PM

Truly inspirational!

Wow that was really beautiful. thank you for taking your time to share with us this personal story that occured in your life. This was really inspirational to me and many other people who are now facing the same challanges as you did. With hashems help, you and all the jewish people in the world should continue to learn more about the beauty of judiasim, find out who we truly are,and what it truly means to be a jew.
Thankyou again for posting

(18)
Anonymous,
January 5, 2016 5:23 PM

Please keep us updated

So what happened to you in the end? Where did you end up living? Did you find someone? Did you get married???? Please send a follow up to your story!!!!! Hatzlacha!!!!

(17)
William Barrocas,
January 5, 2016 5:10 PM

share caring and let go

Human Life on earth is a necessary combine of Reasoned understanding of Values and convictions bound by Faith in God and one's Conscience,The Inner Voice.When two such hearts meet and desire a covenant relationship the best option is to take the First Step and let others follow through.

(16)
Dennis Briskin,
January 5, 2016 4:40 PM

Mating is Not Dating

What works for happy dating (shared tastes, pleasing appearance, sexual attraction, compatible friends) has little to do with making a marriage work (patience, goals in common, compatible families, ability to compromise, turning you and me into us, shared finances. Add your own to the list.) Marriage is not an extended prom weekend. Traditional Jewish marriage has its own problems, but that is another discussion.

(15)
Lisa,
January 5, 2016 4:26 PM

Consider the children

This was a hard article to read. My father was Jewish and my mum Church of England. They married with the idea she would convert, and she did go through the process for some years. I was brought up Jewish and taken to Synagogue, especially by my Jewish grandparents who were far more observant than my father. When I was four, my parents split and then later divorced. My mum gave up Judaism, we moved quite a long way from my father and grandparents, and eventually she married again, a Christian. As it was my dad, not my mum, who was Jewish, I am not considered a Jew. Yet, all my life, I have yearned to be, wanted to be, felt as though I am. I live in a part of the UK where there are hardly any Jews, and my beloved Yiddish speaking grandma, and yarmulke wearing grandfather are long dead. I feel as though something precious was stolen from me. I think you made the right choice.

Anonymous,
January 6, 2016 3:59 AM

It's Not Too Late, Ziesel

You sound very sweet and lost. Please investigate Chabad or Aish hatorah in London or anywhere near where you live. I get the feeling that you have a deep and feeling neshama with an unquenchable thirst for Yiddishkeit. Nurture and fulfill your quest for Torah, and it will nuture and fulfill you! May your Bubbe and Zaydie rest in Peace!

(14)
Anonymous,
January 5, 2016 4:19 PM

If that's antiemetic then for sure I've heard more anti gentile talk from Jews

The Torah forbids intermarriage period. Talking about Haredi Jews not taking pride in cleanliness of their yards and neighborhoods is what as many Jews say as Gentiles. I'm glad for both their sakes he broke it off but when I think of antisemites I think of those that want to harm Jews not trash talkers who are ready to welcome non religious Jews into their non religious Christian family

(13)
Anonymous,
January 5, 2016 4:07 PM

"Should not hate Jews more than absolutely necessary"

In my family we often quote this line from a brilliant film (The Dunera Boys) where the rabbi in the camp slaps the guard in charge "for hating the Jews more than absolutely necessary"; he understood there is often some dislike (Jews are seen as different) but going beyond that, that is anti-Semitism. This family was anti-Semitic all right, do not deceive yourself. Have you noticed when someone is about to make an anti-Semitic remark how they added "and my best friend is Jewish" or something of the sort? But you see their real colours...

On a more serious note, Elliot did the correct thing. I was not born Jewish myself and actually only got to know Judaism when I met my husband-to be, when I realised there was an important element in him, his culture and his heart that I did not know. Luckily, when I researched it, I found it to be what I was missing all my life, so after seriously studying for almost 4 years I became an Orthodox Jewess. If you take Judaism seriously-as it affects every area of your practical life- it would never work if your partner is from a different religion and is already biased against. Married life is fraught with plenty of challenges, and you should not marry expecting your partner to change her life completely. Elliott, you wouldn't have been able to explore all that Judaism has to offer to you. It was not meant to be and I am very happy you realised on time. Please G-d you will meet your real bashert in its own time and together you will embark on a beautiful and fulfilling Jewish life together!

(12)
Barry Baldonieri,
January 5, 2016 3:57 PM

Thanks

Several years ago I made the decision to finally convert to Judaism, but health problems seem to have made this dream impossible. Your story encourages me to keep trying no matter what I may encounter. If I succeed it will be through my determination and G-D's will. "When" I succeed! Toda and Shalom!

(11)
Amariah,
January 5, 2016 3:56 PM

Interesting

Very Nice article! It was refreshing to read and very interesting. I'm encouraged that no matter where we are or where we come from, G-d can reach us. May you be blessed as you continue in your journey. I hope I can be in Jerusalem one day. Thanks for sharing!

(10)
Andrew Stiller,
January 5, 2016 3:55 PM

Well done!

What a great story, and what an inspiration you are. You have the strength to stand behind your convictions. You won't regret it. I wish you every happiness in your future.

(9)
Anonymous,
January 5, 2016 3:44 PM

Inspiring Story!

What an inspiring story! In June I visited Jerusalem and Safed, Bnai Brak, Tel Aviv, Herzyliya . I met the nicest warmest people in Israel. Some of the people I met made Aliya from California and London and they all love Israel as do I.

Israel's beauty and warm people are always inspiring! Wish I was there now. Life is more meaningful in Israel.

(8)
Malki,
January 5, 2016 2:50 PM

Wow!

Eliott! this is an unbelievable article. There are not many people who could do what you did. I hope you will see the rewards - big time!

(7)
Dovid Rosman,
January 5, 2016 1:54 PM

Very inspiring

Thank you for this incredible article. It's so inspiring how you made tough decisions based on your pursuit of truth, something very rare these days. You should have continued success in all that you do.

(6)
Anonymous,
January 5, 2016 6:33 AM

Awe inspiring. Great stuff! Thank you

(5)
Anonymous,
January 4, 2016 5:57 PM

Sorry, I don't follow this one...

First, let me disclaim myself by saying that my wife converted before we got married (as Jen proposed to do here) so perhaps I am biased. We are now blessed with four beautiful Jewish children. It seems to me that Jack was commenting on the perceived habits of his Chasidic neighbors, i.e. that that were not being respectful of the broader community. Right or wrong about those perceptions I'm not sure that they qualify as anti-Semitism. After all, if he were truly anti-Semitic would he not have rejected you? Same can be said for your ex-girlfriend and whether she was motivated to pursue conversion purely by love or not, how can you describe someone willing to consider converting, and in love with you - a Jew - as an anti-Semite. It just doesn't seem credible at all. There is real anti-Semitism in this world but this is kind of article that supports the stereotype about Jews seeing anti-Semitism everywhere.. Kudos to you for finding our beautiful religion but I don't think this article is constructive in the least.

Anonymous,
January 5, 2016 7:58 AM

Really? I Think That They Were Anit-Semites

Golly Gee, pal, I think they are anti-Semites. They felt free to engage in a conversation like that when they knew there was a Jew sitting in the backseat? This article was constructive and credible.

Eliezer Eisenberg,
January 5, 2016 3:49 PM

Anti semitism

It's hard to call it antisemitism when the majority of Jews in the United States and Europe would agree with Jack. It's not an issue of "self hating Jews." It's a cultural split no narrower than that which separates inner city blacks and suburban whites.

margarita,
January 6, 2016 7:37 AM

and it makes it right how?

majority of Jews in US and Europe that agree with Jack are left wing self-hating who cannot wait to hide their Jewish roots and yes, majority are lefties. i see it all the time - hating Kosher, hating not driving on Shabbat, hating Zionism and Israel. as a business woman who are dressing up modestly and covering up the hair, i can tell you the abuse i go through because of it. you can pretend it's okay all you want, you can even convince yourself of it, but we all know the truth.

Anonymous,
January 6, 2016 10:48 AM

antisemitism is real but sometime it's an easy label

many observant jews in the business community seem to function fine without encountering antisemitism much less abuse,but in the end israel is the place for you so maybe HaShem is pushing you there

Rina,
January 5, 2016 3:49 PM

I think they are anti-semites, too.

I also felt that the article was constructive, and I'm very glad that this young man avoided making such a terrible mistake!

myrna solganick,
January 5, 2016 4:10 PM

I also agree...

that they were anti semites, if they said these things in front of the writer, what would they say behind his back? they pretty much labelled us "dirty Jews".

Seymour,
January 6, 2016 3:45 AM

Miriam, I was thinking the same thing...

Miriam, You're right. Imagine the kind of statements they would feel free to utter when a Yid is not in the back seat. Baruch Hashem, there will never be grandchildren to hear these despicable comments!

Anonymous,
January 6, 2016 10:42 AM

golly gee it's likely ignorance more than antusemitism

i grew up with a good friend who was dating a jewish girl. when he explained to the girls mother that he bought a chair at a garage sale for a good price the mother asked how much and he said the women wanted $75 but he was able to jew him down to $50. she took offense and he had no idea why. when i hear a man tell his daughter who is behaving badly on shabbat that she is acting like a shicksa/goy that's ignorance not anti gentile. seems to me for sure antisemitism exists big time in the world today, particularly in the muslim community but this doesn't seem to qualify.as an orthodox jew i ma glad for both parties that they broke it off and wish them both great lives with other spouses.

jen,
January 5, 2016 4:10 PM

yeah this jewish what-ever his name was sounds like a right heartless pig..jen had a lucky mistake but i think they were antisemites-antisemites usually hate jews who define jewishness like the heradi

Rachel,
January 5, 2016 4:23 PM

I agree with you

I couldn't quite articulate my concerns, but you have done so very eloquently. So many people take criticism of behavior as racism, ant-Semitism, or whatever. I'm a proud Jew and am looking into Aliyah, but I've been accused of being anti-Israel if I criticize the current government!

Anonymous,
January 5, 2016 5:15 PM

A conversion out of interest (and love is part of it )has no value,to be a jew you have to be commited you have to Believe in be coming a jew ,it is not a comedy.It is not like changing a dress we are serious people and believe in the truth of our religion.To build up a family you need commun values and yes there is nothing wrong about it we are different the genes of our fathers are in us, once you become a ger a jew you will be part of it but it has to come from searching the thruth like Jithro

Theila,
January 7, 2016 3:15 AM

I think you're missing the point...

The author clearly explained that Jen was not interested in his religion, values, and deeper life interests whenever it came up earlier-- she looked completely blank and changed the topic instead. I think it's pretty obvious that even her attempt to later convert didn't exactly stem from a sincere, genuine interest in Judaism but rather from desperation to save a broken relationship.

(4)
T,
January 4, 2016 10:29 AM

Powerful

What a powerful article. I admire you! Wishing you continued hatzlacha and siyata dishmaya in all you do.

(3)
ester,
January 4, 2016 3:26 AM

kol hakovod

kol hakavod. that must have been so difficult. you were true to yourself and made incredible choices, may you continue to see have clarity ans see the beauty of the torah and our people.

(2)
Miriam,
January 4, 2016 12:22 AM

Baruch H"S

The real you is a Neshama Elokit (a spark of H"S) keep spreading the light

(1)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2016 6:58 PM

Fantasic article

Wow, amazing article. Your strength of character and aspiration to find truth are most admirable. May Hashem strenthen your hands and guide your way.

I have had a very difficult life, beset by illness, unemployment, and disappointment from those who had pledged to care for me. I am having trouble seeing the benevolent God in all this. What do you say, rabbi?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I am very sorry to hear about the difficult times that you have had to endure. The trials that you have gone through no doubt have obviously made your relationship to God a difficult one. I can understand why.

As a rabbi, I have witnessed the most horrendous situations imaginable. I have experienced a 20-year-old who lost both of her parents in a car crash. Can you imagine a girl so close to her parents and in one day they're gone? I've lived through a husband coming home to find that his wife has collapsed, and in two days she's dead. There was nothing wrong with her before. And on and on and on.

When someone is in the midst of suffering, that's not the time to offer answers. It's a time to listen and empathize and be with the person as best you can. If there's anyone going through a painful time and is looking for a sense of relief, I am skeptical whether these intellectual answers will offer any kind of relief.

Dealing with pain and suffering is never easy, particularly since we often feel so helpless and out of control. But one thing we do have control over and that is our attitude. Try to stick to this 3-part formula:

1) Look for the positive side to things.

2) Try not to judge God, Who knows more than we do.

3) Ask God for the clarity to understand how this is for the best.

Our perceptions of good and evil are directly related to our understanding of the world. An African tribesman who never saw a hypodermic syringe in his life could think upon seeing a doctor inoculate a child that the doctor was actually trying to hurt the child! Our perceptions change with information.

Therefore the Jewish approach to "suffering" is that everything happens for the good, but since we are finite and cannot see the whole picture, we perceive some things as bad.

God has more information than we do; thus we cannot judge Him and say He is doing something bad. We trust God and say, "I haven't yet figured out why, but God knows this is for the best."

The Talmud tells the story of Rebbe Akiva who was traveling on the road late one night. His only source of light, a candle, blew out; his mode of transportation, a donkey, ran away; and his only source of food, a chicken, died. The next morning Rebbe Akiva realized that armed bandits had plundered everything in the area. Had they seen his candle, or heard his chicken or donkey, they would have victimized him as well.

We can accept pain and suffering in the world by trying to see what positive side it may have. For example, a woman whose child was killed by a drunk driver went out and started MADD - Mothers Against Drunk Driving. This organization was responsible for revolutionizing the laws against drunk driving in America, and as a result has surely saved thousands of lives. It could be said that the purpose of this child was to elevate his mother to the towering heights of greatness that she indeed achieved as a result of the tragedy.

Of course it is not always easy to find the positive side. But even the attempt helps tremendously. It is interesting that if we look back on our own lives, the times we have grown the most are not when things have gone easy, but when they've been difficult. So many times what appears as "bad" or "negative" ends up being a blessing. A person could lose their job, for example, only to realize later that was the opportunity they needed to break into a growing, new field!

In the meanwhile, we have invested so much time and energy into worrying or regretting - all for nothing and all to our detriment. It is wise to remember that worry is defined as "interest paid in advance on a debt which often times never comes due." So when we are having problems, we can ask ourselves, "What have I learned or gained?"

Also, there are two excellent books I can recommend: "Why me, God?" by Lisa Aiken (published by Aaronson), and "Confronting the Loss of a Baby," by Yamin Levy (Ktav).

In 1973, a cease-fire resolution was passed by the U.N. Security Council to halt the Yom Kippur War. Shuttle diplomacy by Henry Kissinger compelled Israel and Egypt to accept the cease-fire. Fighting, however, would continue for another four days. In the war, Israel suffered the loss of 2,600 soldiers and 800 tanks. Four years later, Egyptian leader Anwar Sadat would visit Jerusalem and announce his readiness to forge a permanent peace deal.

I told a group of people to repeat, "I am grateful to my Creator" five minutes each day for a month. Some of the results were:

* "At first I found it difficult to keep this up. This gave me a jolt. The Creator is giving me life each moment of each day and He gives me the air I breathe. Why is it so hard for me to express my gratitude? This self-rebuke gave me a strong feeling of motivation. I was committed to use the power of repeating messages to myself to build up this gratitude.

* "I realized that I would only be able to repeat this for five minutes at a time if I would sing it with a tune. So I would sing this five minutes each day. It became my favorite song.

* "The first day when I heard this, I found myself having to wait for something to start. I began to feel frustrated. Then I said to myself, ‘This is a perfect time to repeat, "I am grateful to my Creator" for five minutes.' It totally transformed the waiting into an uplifting experience. Throughout the month, I chose potentially frustrating moments to practice this. After a while, the stirrings of feelings of frustration became a trigger to begin my exercise."

* "Someone saw me smiling while I was waiting in line at my local supermarket. He asked me if anything special is going on in my life. "There are a lot of special things that I'm beginning to become more aware of," I replied.

* "By repeating, ‘I am grateful to my Creator,' I began to realize that everyone who is kind to me in any way was sent to me by my Creator. I increased my gratitude towards those people and I increased my gratitude to the Creator of it all."

May He Who knows what is hidden accept our call for help and listen to our cry (Siddur).

The Talmud states that a person may be coerced to perform a mitzvah even if it is required that the mitzvah be done of one's own volition (Rosh Hashanah 6a).

But are not coercion and volition mutually exclusive? Not necessarily, explains Rambam. Inasmuch as the soul of the Jew intrinsically wishes to do the Divine will, and it is only the physical self - which is subject to temptation - that may be resistive, the coercion inflicted upon the person overcomes that external resistance. Thus, when one performs the mitzvah, it is with the full volition of the inner self, the true self, for at his core, every Jew wishes to comply with the mandates of the Torah.

There is a hidden part of us, to which we may have limited access, yet we know it is there. When we pray for our needs, said Rabbi Uri of Strelisk, we generally ask only for that which we feel ourselves to be lacking. However, we must also recognize that our soul has spiritual needs, and that we may not be aware of its cravings.

We therefore pray, said Rabbi Uri, that God should listen not only to the requests that we verbalize, but also to our hidden needs that are very important to us - but which He knows much better than we.

Today I shall...

try to realize that there is a part of me of which I am only vaguely aware. I must try to get to know that part of myself, because it is my very essence.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...