Newspaper satire for the Bass Lake area.

Incumbent-by-default wins mayor chair

Mayor-by-default Delores C. Denominator can finally remove the “by-default” from her title and replace it with “by-winning-more-votes-than-the-other-people-who-ran-for-mayor.”

Denominator fended off late surges by her three opponents and secured her place at the mayor’s table for another term. (See vote totals.)

With all 2 precincts reporting, Denominator was declared the winner over council member Enos Felger (D-Dave’s House), Forrest Bunkard, 46, and Guy Soundguy, soundguy for Local Cover Band, Bass Lake’s Most Enduring Band.

Voter turnout was larger than in any post-World War I election.

“I just want to thank my family, wherever they are, and the voters of Bass Lake for validating my existence,” Denominator said in her victory speech from atop the Day Old Donuts counter at Jolly’s Morgue and Donuts, where the mayor-elect held her election party. “I also want to thank my opponents for putting up just enough of a challenge to further validate my being.”

While the mayor-elect gorged herself on donut holes and coffee, the scene across town was not so festive. Felger listened for election returns from the kitchen table at Dave’s house and was chagrined when someone stopped by with the results.

Felger spent a reported $75, mostly out of his own pocket, in his bid to lift himself from the council chair he’s occupied for the past several decades.

“Who could have predicted this?” Felger asked of no one in particular. “She is a plea-bargained scofflaw.”

Bunkard, 46, in his first run for office, sat in the cheese aisle of Bass Lake Inn – Convenience Store digesting the news of his defeat.

“I don’t understand,” he said after several minutes. “I just don’t get it.”

Soundguy, whose decision to remain far from the public eye during his campaign baffled political insiders, was unavailable for comment as Local Cover Band are on the road through the rest of Wednesday.

Local political observers Al Schwartz and M. I. Angola offered mixed views of the outcome.

“It was a good race,” Schwartz said.

“We’ll see about that,” Angola said in reply.

Official results will be posted once the video has been reviewed, though a change in the outcome is unlikely.

Ken at the Paper contributed to this story, as did Kristie Staphryder, Lily McIntosh, Jillian Fontaine, Curalee Rosier, Spordie Spyce and Laurel and Marty Princeworth, as well as Brock Stafford.