Ask Amy: Birthday extravaganza leaves mother fuming

Thursday

Feb 17, 2011 at 5:03 AM

DEAR AMY: We just celebrated my daughter's first birthday with a wonderful party at a lovely catering hall. We had live entertainment, food, an open bar for the adults, flowers, balloons, favors " you name it!I spent months planning for this party to make it a perfect event. This is my third child and every party has been a big event like this one. I put a lot of time into planning my children's parties and thoroughly enjoy doing it.My problem is rude guests!I had more than half of the party (20 families) respond several days past the RSVP date (I sent out the invitations six weeks ahead of time so they had plenty of time to respond). They showed up 1-2 hours late to the party with no apology or explanation (and some left early).These guests took it upon themselves to sit wherever they wanted, even when I had place cards with assigned seating that I spent several hours organizing.These perpetrators do things like this at every party. As much as I love to throw parties for my children, in the end, I find myself disappointed, insulted and feeling used.Should I stop having these parties or should I continue doing what my children and I enjoy and ignore the rudeness? Please tell me what I should do. " Frustrated MotherDEAR FRUSTRATED: It's somewhat refreshing to learn that even in this tough economy there are still people who throw cotillions for 1-year-olds.You need a reality check. You also need a reality show. If you had your own show, your guests' rudeness " and the pettiness of your reaction " would be highlighted for the amusement of the rest of us.Every time you host one of these extravaganzas you emerge with the same frustrations, so you should do an objective postmortem to figure out what you could do differently in order to have a different result.I suggest that you adjust your expectations somewhat regarding timely RSVPs, consider doing away with your seating chart and adjust the length of your event. You may notice that all of my suggestions involve you lightening up.Your only other option is to get different guests.DEAR AMY: Is it ever appropriate to ask someone about a disfigurement or scar? I feel that it's not and do not inquire, and if I did, it would be only to someone that I know very well.I have a scar on my right breast from breast cancer surgery. I often experience uncomfortable hot flashes, so I will wear a bathing suit top that is a V cut and exposes part of my breast. People often ask me about my surgery scar.I don't want them to feel uncomfortable, so I simply answer that I had breast cancer.Amy, would it be all right for me to say, "I don't mind telling you that I have this scar due to my breast cancer, but I'd like to let you know that some people might be offended if you ask them about a scar or disfigurement they have."If it is rude to say that, then I'm asking your permission to give a rude retort to a rude question. " ScarredDEAR SCARRED: Your response doesn't seem rude to me, though it is not your job to educate people about how others might receive their query.If you don't want to answer a question you consider intrusive, you can say, "I understand you're curious, but I'd rather not discuss it."However, because you don't seem to mind answering this question (you're most bothered by the fact that people ask it), you can say, "This scar is evidence that I'm a breast cancer survivor. Yay!" (The "Yay" is optional.)DEAR AMY: Before "Inconceivable" jumps to a financial or physical conclusion for why she and her husband can't conceive children, I would offer that the husband forgo the Jacuzzi and the jockey underwear in favor of boxers.It worked for me and my wife. We conceived immediately afterward. -- Been There, Done ThatDEAR BEEN THERE: You are referring to the idea that a man's penile temperature affects male fertility. Congratulations to your family!(Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.

Never miss a story

Choose the plan that's right for you.
Digital access or digital and print delivery.