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Dear Deandre 11

Dear Deandre is back with more advice on your dilemmas and relationship problems. As ever, if you have a problem, do not hesitate to share this with us. We provide full discretion to protect sources, if required.

My wife played away with team pal

“My wife cheated on me with a mate in her badminton team. It was more than a year before I caught on. I’m 41 and he’s 42. We used to play badminton, then I hurt my back and had to stop. They sometimes have overnight stays for away games. She lent me her old phone when mine got smashed. Stuck on a train I started to read her old texts. It was clear she had sex with a guy on the team. She said she was sorry and it all happened years ago. According to her it never meant more than just a bit of drunken bit of fun. I love her but all the trust is gone.”

Her connection to the team since you left was clearly a strong bond. This drew her closer to this guy but that is no excuse to justify this. The fact she is easily swayed proves a problem in how she views you in your relationship. I would recommend you discuss what these could be and you may find out more as a result. Though she apologised it does not seem very sincere and since you claim it was about a year of secrecy before finding out, this highlights two things. Firstly, she has no regard to being honest with you for that amount of time lying. Secondly, she seems to be passing this off as drunken fun yet it is clearly more than this over a whole year of intimate connections. Talk to her about how you see one another and why she did this in a frank but controlled conversation. If you wish to work this out you need to find a way to regain your trust and talking is the first step in this instance. Be honest, but not hurtful.Tell her how it made you feel.

Bedroom bunk-ups becoming a letdown

“I’ve met a brilliant girl but I have an embarrassing problem, I cant keep it going in bed. I’m 24 and my girlfriend is 19. I thought that our first night together would be the best night of my life but it didn’t quite happen that way – I finished too soon. It has happened that way ever since.”

This may be because subconsciously you have dreamt of a perfect scenario and perfection never exists. After this instance, it has become a routine procedure, not a loving entanglement. You may be stressed or worried about something and this can affect these problems. To pass them you need to question what is on your mind and work to understand them, then this will not play on your mind affecting your performance. Perhaps the setting of sex from previous relationships has a negative atmosphere and you could try different positions and areas of the house if you can. Focus on having general, loving sex and not hope for anything and this will relieve pressure on your activities now and this could help alleviate this.

Cheat still so tasty after love bites

“My boyfriend came home covered in love bites. I had two one-night stands in revenge, but I’ve realised I still love him. We’re both 18 and have been together two years. We were thinking of marriage and kids but were both a bit worried that we were too young for commitment. We were still together when he turned up drunk one night with love bites all over him. I felt my love for him had all gone. I went to a nightclub and got chatted up by this really fit guy. At the end of the evening he said he’d walk me home but we stopped in the park and lay down on the grass and have sex. I was back down the club and ended up have sex with the guy on the door. A couple of week later I met up with my ex by chance. We had a few drinks and my feelings came back straight away. We romped in the back of his car. Since then we’ve met up a few times and always have sex. I plan to go to uni but should I stick with him now?”

If you still love him then try to rekindle with him by explaining how you feel, not jumping into bed. It seems you are a very promiscuous girl who craves attention, but you are easily giving away your intimacy to non-important instances. This is your choice and fine if you so wish as it is not my place to lecture you, but you are also bound to get a reputation with the club also. You need to focus on what you want and your age is no excuse. If you want to go to uni this is your choice and cannot allow something to get in the way of a future if you see this available. As with your ex, the pair of you are just sexual rabbits at every opportunity and this is not love. It seems as though you both enjoy playing the other off. You are infatuated and this will soon pass but you should try to think before you act as your emotions are ever changing. You must make a choice for yourself and then act accordingly to the situation. There is nothing wrong with sex, but giving it away to one and all lowers your inner self and others see you as an easy option that shan’t be respected in any right.

Hellish Mother-in-law causing daily distress

“My fiancee’s mum has turned on me since ever since he proposed. I’m 21 and my fiancee is 20. At first his mum and I got on well. Then we got engaged and she turned cold. When I fell pregnant it got worse. None of my family would speak to us and his mum spread rumours about me and scratched his car. She drove past our house screaming and shouting. Our son was born and I invited the family to tea. They stayed 20 minutes and didn’t speak to me. We get nuisance calls day and night. I’m at my wits end. I don’t want my son to see my fiancees family now. I can’t see why he wants to either.”

Unfortunately some families break down and cannot be mended. Your fiancee’s mum is clearly jealous that you have taken her son away from him. The added pain of a child has completely taken her away from him with time and affection. If you are bothered about these rumours and they affect you daily with people you know then you should set the record straight. Or you can ignore them, though this is hard, but you know they are false. The fact she is behaving like a hooligan near your home as well is childish. You could get a restraining order if you feel it becomes threatening enough. Call authorities and tell them about the verbal abuse near to your home. Change your phone number if you wish, though this might not be a permanent solution. It is unfortunate that when you have something going well in life there is someone to ruffle the joy, but this happens in troubled families. Focus on your own as you have tried to no avail to make her a part of this one. If she cleans up her act, perhaps you might reconsider, but this is your choice and it does not seem likely. Put her aside and move on with your life. You have others depending on you know and you must also keep your health in check, too. If she persists you may need to tell her that this is your life and he is your fiancee with a family responsibility and that is how it is. Though I wouldn’t advise any communication with her as she does not seem approachable. Sadly, you must move on.

Impatient girlfriend cheats with stud down alleyway

“I have discovered my girlfriend had sex with a guy down an alleyway one night after we’d had a row. We have been together for five years and have a daughter whose nearly 18 months old. We are 25 and 26. I know I have neglected her recently. For the last two years I’ve been in my own shell. My dad died and I had to be there for my mum. I was no help to my girlfriend and our baby and our sex life went downhill after she was born. We had a terrible argument one night and she stormed out to the pub. She had sex with this guy afterwards – a mate tipped me off. It hurt. I always though cheats were dirt but maybe there are situations where a genuine mistake occurs.”

You drove her to have sex with another man, but this does not excuse her infidelity. You need to understand what made her do this. Getting together at an early age may also have made her feel losing out of previous chances at relationships beforehand. If this is the case you could consider threesomes but I would advise this only with a no strings policy so neither of you feel anything for the third party than a sexual thrill to repair your bond. A woman, especially younger these days have a high level of low self esteem. Feeling unloved by certain choices, stern words or patterned behaviour on a daily basis can drive a wedge, as well as a lack of sex. Though the fact she cheated so easily is something you need to consider. Is this your arguments causing this, or is it that she has grown out of love with you and needs an excuse to meet someone else? Your personal dilemmas were unfortunate and arrived all at the same time. You cannot blame yourself for bad timing. You seem to be too trusting, which may make her view you as a doormat, especially since you have not been too happy in recent months. She may not truly love you, but you need to test if she does in your relationship. Ask her why, what motivates her for sex with others and what they give her that you don’t. Try some things out with her sexually. If this does not fulfill either of you, then you should consider this relationship’s long term basis. You are both still young and can easily find others that appreciate you for yourself.

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Dear Deandre #10

Dear Deandre is back with more problems you have to be solved in this bumper issue. As always if you have a dilemma need fixing please get in touch by looking at the contact page or posting a comment below. We hold full discretion and protect sources should you wish to remain anonymous.

Her engagement bash bonk with my best mate

“My fiancée had sex with my best mate at our engagement party. She won’t admit it but I know the truth. My girl and I are both 23. We’ve been together for two years and it seemed that our love had got better and stronger as time had gone on. I showed her the ring and she cried and said “Yes”. We held an engagement party at my parents’ house a month later. By midnight my parents had gone to bed and the numbers and thinned. I was chatting to a mate when I heard a thumping overhead from the bedroom that used to be mine. I realised my fiancee had been off the scene for a while so I thought I should find her. As I went up the stairs I was stopped by my mate coming down. He wanted to chat. He tried to keep talking but I pushed past him and went on upstairs. The bedroom door was locked so I said “Whose in there?” My fiancée called out it was her, that the room was spinning and she didn’t feel well. Ten minutes later she opened the door looking a bit worse for wear. I found a used condom under the bed. If that isn’t proof, what is?”

This isn’t full proof, however it is abundantly clear they have been having sex behind your back. This guy is not your friend and clearly tried to stall you downstairs. Why did your girlfriend wait ten minutes? The guy may have seen an opportunity to use your fiancee against you and maybe he dislikes you for some reason, or perhaps it is a thrill to do this in a house with other people in as a risk. Either way it is distasteful but you will need to speak to your fiancee now it has calmed down. Tell her calmly you want answers and tell her you are not stupid. Ask her why it happened as their must have been a strong reason and why of all people was it your friend? You need to decide if she is the woman for you in your future. Do not rush into a marriage. This one seems to have no love in it, full of trust issues and you should consider what you want from it.

Drunken sex free’s me of inhibitions

“I have to get drunk to have sex. When I’m sober I’m much too self conscious even to go on top. I’m a 24 year old girl and I lost my virginity five years ago when I was drunk. I’m now used to drunken sex. My mum says when I meet the right person this problem will go but I’m worried I’m stuck in this pattern and wont be able to get over it as I have low self esteem.”

When we get into routine or habits they become the norm because they are the only thing we know and continue to make the same errors of judgement or choices that override what we may want more differentiation from. You may have low self esteem because you were not ready for sex five years ago and gave it away willingly with an ice breaker being alcohol. Since then it has been all you know and has become your habit. You can break this. Try to have more sober sex and build a communication slightly with a partner without drink. In time, less drunk sex will become more appealing and you will understand a new way of feeling better. This can boost your confidence. Also, don’t rely on just sex, try applying your skills to something you enjoy and build more time for yourself than trying to please others.

My Porn Hell

“I have been watching far too much online porn since I split up with the love of my life. I am 26, my ex is 24. We were arguing way to much and decided to call it a day. But I’ve been so miserable and depressed. I don’t go out any longer and turn to porn on my laptop several times a day. If I carry on like this its going to ruin my chance of having a life.”

It is clear why you are focused on online porn. You are not ready to mingle in the offline world yet after having a relationship so committed to someone you feel was your one and only. Therefore, instead of going on the rebound, you are taking time for yourself online. There is no problem whatsoever with this and is a good choice to simmer down from strong relationships after your previous one. The problem here is not online porn, but your communication with it. You are taking time out from the ending relationship but now you can try to focus on a little porn online and your social life too. Try going out and socialising again and sharing time offline as well as online. Making time for both with shared limits than full dependency will be beneficial. Your life will not stop because of watching porn. Think of it as a service just like any other in a shop. It isn’t as simple as saying “switch it off” and the stigmata attached to porn being dirty is wrong. It wont destroy your life but you need to devote time to it. Set a limit of hours of online porn and then doing other things. The reason for this reliance is that you are bored and it has become a routine for you.

Lack of love leaves me feeling undesirable

“My boyfriend says he loves my body but I feel undesirable because he never pays me any attention. We are both 28 and have been together for six months. We have an active sex life and are both into the same things. My boyfriend used to caress me. I’ve spoken to him and he was more intimate and caring for a while but it faded away after a week. I feel like it’s my fault.”

This is no one’s fault overall. The problem is that you have become so comfortable with each other than sex is a fumble than a thrill. Instigate situations or touch him and tell him you both should try foreplay with one another more often in your sex life. You could begin with role play if this is easier for you both to set the ball in motion. If all else fails then you will have to speak to him bluntly and tell him you are not satisfied and explain what you both like sexually and what you’re willing to try. Assure him you are committed to making your sex life work and explain your feelings for him.

Dirty Dad having affair with Aunt?

“I’m convinced my dad is having an affair with my aunt. I’m a guy of 28. My parents have been married for 40 years and I always thought they were happy together. I helped get my dad online a few months ago and now he seems to be constantly checking his emails. He’s also started going out more, saying he is pursuing his hobby of collecting wartime memorabilia. One day I followed him and saw his car parked outside my aunts – for three hours. My gut instinct tells me something is going on.”

Whilst it does seem fairly obvious they are playing away together, there could be a simple explanation. They could be arranging a party or something. Though I would agree with you that there is a strong likelihood of an affair, you will need more proof. Also, though it may be upsetting, they are grown adults and it is not your place to be involved, even though it involves your family. If they are then it is yours and others in your family to make choices on the situation. Keep an eye on a few instances over the next couple of weeks. His suspicious behaviour on email checks are his choice and not yours, but it does give concern. Are your parents happy? Has something changed in their relationship? Once you accuse someone of something that could not be true you cannot easily take that back. If you have very strong detail on an affair then it is up to you to discuss this with your father. You could simply ask him in a politefull manner at a quiet moment or even wait for him outside your aunts to talk. He will not have a prepared statement and you can gauge his reactions. It’s up to you but think about the after effects of your family and decide what is best.

In love with a mate

“I’m holding a party with a close friend I’ve known since school but I’m worried I wont be able to keep my hands to myself. I’m a woman of 25 and my friend’s 26. We are holding a joint party soon. I secretly like him and would love to share my feelings with him but he has a girlfriend. We’ve been friends for years. It’s only recently I have come to realise that I am in fact in love with him. I am worried that at the party I wont be able to stop myself from trying to kiss him. That would really get me into trouble with his girlfriend – who will also be there.”

Stop this now. You are asking for confirmation to hit on him. You should not. He has a girlfriend and he is with her, not you. He will not likely leave her for you. You have built up a fantasy out of this infatuation and it is dangerous for all concerned. You will need to distance yourself from him and try to get over him in time, whether you tell yourself you want to or not. You have convinced yourself he is your ideal man and are seeking to disrupt a relationship that neither him or his girlfriend will thank you for. You are simply infatuated and the closeness of a friend has naturally drawn you to him. Stop chasing him or creating situations to get him and focus on going out and finding others or partake in a hobby. Find friends and other men to talk with and build up relationships. Even if he picked you, he would not respect you for driving away his girlfriend when this relationship between you would eventually bore him. You also risk losing your close friendship too.

Wife’s just a friend – so I use escorts

“I can’t stop seeing escort girls. I even fell in love with one, but all this is so unfair on my wife. My wife and I are both 42 and we have been together since we were 30. But I love her much more these days as a friend and we have not had sex for a couple of years. I started to view porn online. That did the trick for a little while but unfortunately it wasn’t enough. So I started looking at escort sites. After I had been doing this for a year or so I met a girl who really felt special to me. I started buying her gifts and took her out to shows. It was clear that she loved the sex. She is 26. I saw her for nearly six months. When I emailed her to fix the next time to meet up she didn’t say why. I have seen a couple of other girls since. I know I need to break the cycle. The real victim here is my wife.”

You will need to go cold turkey on this. It won’t be easy but you can decrease your use of escorts. Find something else to look up online not in line with escorting. Make small changes over time and it can get better for you. You have a wife so try spending time with her. Watch television, help cook etc. While sharing time together see if you can re-communicate a loving relationship than a friendly one. Tell her you worry your marriage is too friendly and express your sex concerns over two years. Try to make time for one another and perhaps start going on dates again. See if you can rekindle your spark.

Porn vid actors are pal’s parents

“I’ve seen my mates parents in online porn videos. Should I tell him? My mate and I are both 23. His parents are in their forties. I was in our local and an older man I know had had a few drinks and was showing off. I was trying to ignore him so he said “And I bet you haven’t seen your mates parents sh**gging but I have.” I didn’t believe him and he showed me various websites on his phone. It was them all right. They were getting up to all sorts with multiple others. I don’t think my mate has any idea of this. I’m trying to act as though nothing has happened. Do I confront his parents or tell him?”

Yes you should tell him. The fact that people around him are mocking him means that it will come out one time and he could become involved in a fight, especially in the pub which could be bad for him or others. Being the local laughing stock will not help his confidence either and the longer you stall he may feel you are not a friend. Find a quiet moment and tell him you saw them online. It will then be up to him how he handles it but you can be there to support him throughout as a friend. Tell him he should talk to his parents about it and if he doesn’t then perhaps you can. His parents seem to have an avid sex life and they are consenting adults who have made their choices. Talking about it will be a better decision than ignoring this.

Boyfriend lies of whereabouts at night

“I am a girl of 23. My boyfriend is 24. My boyfriend is out all night and comes home late the next day. He says he went out with mates and crashed at their place. I casually mentioned it to his friends and they did not let him stay with them. He must be having an affair. Should I try and catch him out or ask him straight out? He always seems to lie lately about everything and I never get a clear answer.”

It is possible he may not be having an affair but is highly likely. If you are wrong, be prepared to apologise and explain why you thought this possible. It does seem he is having an affair though. His sketchy details and false information is not enough to convince you otherwise and has proved to lie about staying with friends. If he is due to go out then you could ask him where he is going and if he says friends mention you know he is lying and have it out with him. Try to remain calm and express your points so you can get at the truth. If he walks out on you and lies or has no respect it is clear that this relationship may be doomed. You must decide what is best for you and if you can go on living as a girlfriend always cheated on. You could also be at risk of sexual infections should you have sex sometime afterwards.

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Dear Deandre… #9

Dear Deandre is back to deal with any of your problems you have that need dealing with. No subject is too taboo and advice is given to help with your troubling issues in a clear and constructive way. If you have any issues or problems you would like dealing with, please contact us or leave a comment below.

My boyfriend’s too nice to dominate me in bed

“I want to be dominated sexually but my boyfriend is too nice to do it. I’m 22 and I’ve only felt like this since I was raped two months ago. I had broken up with my boyfriend and went out drinking with my mates. I got very drunk and lost my friends. I noticed a good looking guy watching me. We got talking and he asked where I live. I told him and he said we could share a taxi. He seemed genuine. He directed the taxi to his house, nowhere near mine. He undressed me and demanded sexual things of me. I told him I was too drunk and he called me a slut. I asked him to stop but he raped me and wouldn’t call a taxi till the next morning. I got back together with my boyfriend last month. He’s 25, knows everything, is supportive but is not satisfying me in bed. I now crave the feeling of being dominated.”

We are very sorry to hear of what has happened to you. This however is a sexual assault and I would honestly advise you to contact the police. I would also suggest counselling, seeing as you feel sexually drawn to dominance since this attack. You may be someone who enjoys dominance or not but it is clear you should talk to someone to figure out how you felt before the attack and then you can decide if you wish to be dominant in bed. Maybe you had these thoughts in the mind and this attack has drawn them out but the wires are crossed and in court this could be used against you as ‘asking for it’ instead. The act itself could return all the feelings of the assault and be painful reminders you can then never erase forever once doing dominant sex. I would advise against doing this sexual act until you have decided how you really feel from the trauma you have suffered. If you do not contact police then I would suggest you see your doctor as the next point of call. You cannot make your male partner do whatever he feels uncomfortable to do and maybe caring for you so much means he does not wish pain upon you.

The other guy took unprecedented abuse of you in the most disgraceful way. He could do this again and I really do suggest you talk to someone. This is clearly toying with your emotions.

Son, 8, kissed his pal

“I found pictures on my eight year old son’s iPod of him kissing another boy and they’ve taken pictures of each other’s gentials. I’m a single mum of 37. I tried to chat to him about it but he won’t talk. He admitted he likes boys and I said that’s fine but that kind of photo is wrong. I said a nasty adult may see the photos and try to persuade him to do more. I haven’t told the other boys’ mum. I’m struggling to say the right things.”

It is clear that the two are experimenting and trying to undestand their sexuality. You should explain that these photo images are wrong as you say you have but in a better context. If you say the words ‘wrong’ then this will make them feel distant from you. Explain that pictures of one another is not something children of his age should do and speak in a calm and non judgmental attitude. The key is he must listen to you, understand what is said and its implications. If the hint of a parental overbear comes into the conversation you risk losing all communication in future. It is good that you have spoken to him and have a good relationship. Your point about wrongful adults is good, but its clear that you yourself are a little uneducated about this in full with language. Tell him that he shouldn’t do this and these pictures in time could be upsetting to others. It could also be seen by people who should not see them. Explain they are called private parts and explain they must be kept to a private level with selected people like himself, you and the other child in question. This may be difficult for an 8 year old to understand, but with such evidence on hand, you cannot ignore it and hope it disappears. This will take time, so after the talk continue to live daily life better, ask about his day and remain close to him at breakfast, dinner etc and share communal time together. Always keep an eye on the situation, but do not make it seem like this is a snooping focus.

Huge Manhood hurts during intercourse

“My girlfriend was shocked when she first saw my manhood. Most men would kill to have one as big as mine but it’s frustrating. I’m 22, she’s 19. We were best friends for years before we fell in love. Everything is perfect except for our sex life. She’s tiny and when we have sex we have to stop because it hurts her too much.”

Once men get over the fact that they need a huge whopper to please a girl, they need to realise it can be more harmful to them. Having such a huge manhood can often rupture or be extreme and make sex distressing and not in the pleasurable sense. When you try you must make sure you have plenty of lubricant. You must also arouse and stimulate your girlfriend’s erogenous zones to loosen tension. When people are relaxed and in a comfortable environment sex can be more pleasurable. Try finding different and more accommodating positions as well as new techniques she could perform on you. Hopefully this can engage more connection between you for less worry when beginning penetration. Loving sex needs to be comfortable than stressful.

Don’t fancy mine much

“I lust after other women but can’t get aroused with my wife, because I just don’t fancy her. I’m 29 and she’s 30. My previous girlfriend was beautiful and I was always up for sex with her. She dumped me without warning and I was devastated. I met my wife soon after and she helped me pick up the pieces.”

There is something here which is workable. But you have to be prepared to make this work and try to reconnect. You and her need to discuss, make time and try being more sexual with one another. If this fails then cheating on your wife, or urging to go elsewhere could become highly problematic for you all. It seems that you chose this woman after your break up as a rebound. You got with her because she showed you enough compassion to help you through your devastation. It may be now that the attraction between you is more friendly than loving. Be honest with yourself. Did you choose her because she was there and didnt want to be alone? Is your lust for beautiful women like your previous girlfriend, all you know? Because you haven’t fully gotten over the break up and your new wife turned up, you haven’t had the time to pass away from the image of your ex and now you see her in others. You need her presence in other women to finish your unfinished business from the previous relationship. Try going on dates with your wife again, to erase your memory with the ex and build a relationship you remember with your current wife.

We’re so fed up with bossy boots

“I’ve always had a turbulent relationship with my girlfriend’s dad but his new partner has made things worse. I’m 20 and my girl’s 19. She lives with her dad and our baby son. We’re saving for a place of our own but it’s taking ages. She tells us what we should eat and how we should dress.”

There are often cases when a new partner wishes to maintain control of their relationship that they neglect who has the power, if you will and attempt to unsettle it. In this case your girlfriend is naturally her father’s key importance. Feeling a threatened woman, she needs to prove herself as in control of something, and for her it means distancing you and you girlfriend. Your girlfriend needs to have a word with your father about the situation and address her concerns. You may only get one chance to make him listen and explain about the future you don’t have with moving out and the need to provide stability for your child. Explain that she is becoming a problem and doesn’t have any right to do so and the more this happens the more distant you’ll become as a family. Tell him you have no issue with the need for a relationship, but his partner must understand she cannot put her values onto you with dress sense and other decisions.

Sent on guilt trip by mum

“I want to go travelling with my girlfriend, but her mum makes her feel so guilty about leaving that I don’t think she’ll come. I’m 27 and my girlfriend is 26. We’ve just got back from a year travelling in America and Canada. We’ve both got the travel bug and are planning our next trip to Australia. I think her mum knows how to make my girlfriend feel sorry for her but she’s stopping her from living her dreams.”

Some people who do not get to live their lives in full or fulfilment often resent or feel upset about others close to them leaving them behind. They are not necessarily jealous of you, but feel alone and perhaps you can all do more things together when you are back at home. This will make her feel more connected to you all as a family and see that you are trying to have a great life of adventure. Some feel others are taking their close ones away from them. This is not the case but they often need something to confirm otherwise. See if you can make plans for some more family time. Explain to your girlfriend that you are only young once and that you want to do what you can, but also do not neglect your close one’s by just jetting off with an up sticks mentality. While this works for some, the aftereffects are there. Give her mother something to look forward to. You go globetrotting because you want memories. Think for a second of the mother. She wants the same, but on home soil, with the best she has got to offer.

Multiple worries after my hot fling with maths Miss

“I had passionate sex with my teacher but now I’m afraid to go back to school. I’m 18 and in my final and most important year in school. I’d planned to go to university but now I think all my plans might be in ruins. A new maths teacher started in September. I think she’s in her early twenties. She’s got long brown hair and a smile that makes me feel weak. I was out with my mates last weekend and I bumped into her at the bar in a nightclub. We we’re a bit drunk when we left. She asked if I’d walk her home and invited me in for coffee. The next thing I know we were in the bedroom naked, having the hottest sex ever. Now I’m afraid to go back to school.”

Making grown up decisions, especially with sex have their disadvantages. You will have to go back and face up to your responsibilities now. School crushes are natural but the boundaries of sex are now becoming more out of control. The only one who can decide this control is yourself. Try to be less seduced and not act on these urges. They can also have damaging consequences within the confines of the law. While I will give you the right ranting details to be responsible and tell the school you had sex, because she has abused her position, you must also go back. This is your education. Hopefully you can learn from this mistake, and be more considerate to situations in future. If you believe that alcohol is affecting your decisions then try to cut back on your intake over time. If not, you must learn that problems can arise from situations and we must deal with them. Facing up to responsibility is one of those. I would suggest continuing to focus on your education and forget about sexual desires. Now you have experienced this, your lust for her will naturally disappear over time. She was a fling.

Endless search for lusted after guy in club

“I was in a bar minding my own and drinking with friends who were mixed around the place. A guy accidentally bumped into me and drunkedly said “Ooh sorry love.” I overreacted and sneered at him in a mood. I regret doing this. Ever since, I cannot stop thinking about handling it differently. I wish to see him again and if it happened I want to turn him around and kiss him. I don’t know if he is gay. I keep fantasising about this now. I’m 28 and he looks like he’s 25 -30. I have gone back to the bar a couple of nights to see if he would return, but no such luck. Am I gay or bisexual and why am I feeling this keen on him? I’ve had a lot of girlfriends, most of which fail to stimulate me fully with sex and in general.”

You seem to be a good person with respect but have had a moment of error. We’ve all been there with a random bump which sometimes is nothing and other times just nags you at that certain time. It is good that you let this pass. It seems as though you are interested in this guy romantically and should not suppress your feelings. If girls do not really help you then you might be considering bisexuality but looking for the right guy even though you haven’t properly set up a looking program. This may be the type of man that interests you and there is nothing wrong with being bisexual. It is about connecting with someone you feel stimulates you and makes you fulfilled, either sexually or generally in a relationship or lifestyle. I don’t know if you will find this guy again in that bar, but you can try to head back their a few times if it is nearby. If it isn’t I would say to stop going out of your way. Maybe this was a call you needed to explain your feelings and make you realise what could be easily lost.

Dear Deandre #8

After a busy time and short hibernation, Dear Deandre is back to answer your puzzling predicaments. Dilemma’s come from newspaper problems, though the advice is purely ours and ours alone.

If you have an issue you’d like solved, please get in touch through email, or below in the comments if you like. You can also follow us on Twitter below.

Noisy sex next door

“My neighbours noisy sex wakes me up in the early hours. It’s horrific. I’m a 39 year old single mum and have a daughter who is four. The noise is louder in her room but luckily she sleeps through it. I’m really starting to resent them. Do you think I should have a quiet word with them?”

It can be a difficult situation and they may be unaware that it is causing you such distress. If you feel these people are approachable then you could have a word. Usually a brief and informal chat with easy discussion is the best remedy. Explain that you understand the need for such activities and highlight your daughter is next door. You could try Kalms, or other sleeping tablet remedies, but of course, you will ask why should you. But do not wade in with such aggression as if you seem someone unable to have a smooth conversation it could turn into upset. Take this all in light tone and conversation and be prepared to accept their points of view also.

Idle boyfriend has no get-up and go

“My boyfriend has no steady job nor even a bed of his own – he sleeps on a camp bed on his parent’s landing. I’m 23 and have a good job and a nice car. He is 24 and I love him but we’ve been together three years and I feel it’s time to take things more seriously, like having a baby. When I talk about it he just laughs and doesn’t take it seriously.”

Some families are stuck in levels of poverty even if it does not seem apparent. The market at getting a job today is very difficult and in short supply. Applicants and skill sets are vast meaning it can be virtually impossible for many to gain a job despite efforts made. Over time this can also demoralise and cause slumps. Try motivating him with encouraging conversations and maybe help him realise his potential at some specific he may like or even if it is at a cash register. Gradually, with support he may be able to regain some stride. It is highly likely he has no one to count on and feels down as a result. His lack of talking about the issue of a child is either down to being unable to provide, or simply he does not want fatherhood upon him. He may feel he has not lived at such a young age and wouldn’t want such commitment he can’t donate his time to.

Spark’s Gone

“I’m not happy with my girlfriend any more – but can’t dump her because our families are so close and I’m her brother’s best man in June. I’m 23 and she’s 21. We’ve been together two years but the fun has gone. She makes me say “I love you.”

As much as you find this difficult you need to outline how you feel. If you do not love her then telling her so is wrong and will only get her hopes up. Eventually when you do go elsewhere, by way of break up or affair, which is inevitable, she will be distraught because you did not stand up and explain yourself. The longer you live this lie the more it will eat into your confidence and ability to be yourself and enjoy things. The longer it is left the linger the problem grows with pain. Her brother could find a new best man and would be upset in the long run if you were should he look back on his memories realising you weren’t into it if you break up. Act quick and try to talk honestly as soothing as you can.

Mates sneer at transexual love

“I’m in love with a girl who used to be a man. So am I gay? I’m 22 and have fallen for a post-op transsexual. She’s 24. My mum say’s shes a girl but my mates say I’m gay and are laughing at me.”

No this does not make you gay. You are simply someone who is more open and able to try new things. The reason your mates laugh at you is because they know it gets to you and like to wind you up. Knowing it plays on your insecurities also highlights the fact that they are not your mates. Try finding others or express to them that you don’t care what they say. The reason they point and laugh at you is because they lack relationship connectivity in their own relationships in general. Does the approval of other people dictate your choices in love? If so, then you are going to find it tough and loose a lot of chances at happiness.

Is my Girl mentally unwell?

“I think my daughter is mentally ill and I’m worried sick as her mother jumped off a bridge years ago. She survived and got treatment but my daughter might not be so lucky. She is 24, married, but has give up her job. She does strange things, talks to herself and has become abusive to her husband. I phoned her GP but the receptionist said she has to make an appointment herself and won’t.”

As a consenting adult this is her choice, despite your best intentions. If you force her to do this then she could resent you forever and sometimes this will never be forgiven. The only way you can deal with this is to discuss with her your concerns about her job and previous experiences that may have shaped her path today.If she refuses the GP appointment, which some can see as an admission of problems that many cannot accept, consider asking her if she would go to counselling with you. It is not the most ideal situation, but might be a starting point left for you both. Tell her you love her and why you feel you need to talk about it. Also explain that you need it as much as her. Depression and mental illness can often be heredity. Unfortunately, do not expect any support from the government with benefits as they will viciously throw her off at any opportunity they can get.

Birth of son ended my sex life

“Since I had my son eight months ago I really can’t be bothered having sex any more. I’m 28 and my partner is 26. I’d read about sex drive disappearing after having a baby but thought mine would return. It hasn’t. Will I ever want sex again?”

Your libido is always there but needs awakening. You need to find something that sexually stimulates you. This could be setting, location, the smell of outdoors or anything you might enjoy. The difficulty of having a baby and caring for them who require constant care often causes this to take a hit. Exhaustion and trying to get on with a daily routine with your son is now your natural priority. If you can maybe ask for some help to babysit and look for a night out if you have friends available. If not, or you don’t wish for this, making time for yourself whatever you do is the most needed. Over time this can slowly but surely move you closer to feeling better about things. You could look at sexual content or read on sexual health or details to gradually re-integrate you to a sexual frame of mind to discover your stimuluses again.

Porn mad hubby’s ruining baby plan

“My husband never wants sex with me. He satisfies himself masturbating to porn – but we want to start a family and it’s never going to happen like this. We are both 27 and get on well but I’m always the one to initiate sex. I have a high sex drive. He claims he can’t stop. I’ve told him I wouldn’t mind watching porn together but he never asks me to. We’re trying for a family and I’ll never get pregnant like this.”

The issue here does not seem to be your husband’s porn habit but more your selfish desire to have a child. There is nothing wrong with motherhood but if you got married for this intention alone you should not have assumed your husband is as keen as you. He may not be interested in having a child and this could put him off sex, seen more as a chore or trap than fun and responsible sex. Such stress can cause lack of communication to one area and is often substituted to another that offers difference instead. You will have to talk to your husband about childhood at some point. I would suggest now, so you know where you stand. If he does not want this you cannot force it onto him. As for sex outline your desires and tell him he needs to take a more forthcoming approach to pleasing you as much as you want to for him.

Freaking out over sex with girl’s sis

“My girlfriend has suggested a threesome with her sister – but she doesn’t know we already had sex. I’m 22 and have been seeing my girlfriend for two years. She’s 21. We love each other very much and want to be together forever. Sex is brilliant and we agreed we didn’t ever want it to get stale. We have talked about a threesome for years. She said she would ask her 23 year old sister. She said she wouldn’t feel threatened by her.”

This is the problem with such sex like this. Eventually when an offer of a dream fantasy becomes the reality it can all go wrong. If you have this threesome, which your girl clearly wants, she will discover the connection between you and her sister between the sheets and likely figure out your are closer than anticipated. You have some options. You could tell her and face the consequences. Do the threesome and risk being caught. Don’t do it and continue to live your lie. Obviously the last two are immoral. This is of course, your choice. If you tell your girlfriend you can explain why your sex life has clearly taken a dip. There will be a point in every man’s life when they are faced with a tough decision to be honest. I believe this is your time because if you don’t you will continue to lead problematic relationships and never be fully satisfied. Sex with a sibling can be dangerous. Unless entirely committed and not swayed, it should be avoided wherever possible, no matter how appealing.

Misery of life at work

“I hate being at work. Older guys there are always asking me about girlfriends and what I’m going to do with them. I’m 20 and having a tough time in my job. I get blamed for everything that goes wrong, just because I have only been there a few months. I don’t have a girlfriend but but they still ask what I have done sexually and they check out all my girl mates on Facebook. Everytime they find out that I am meeting a girl, they ask whether we are going to do stuff together. I m fed up with it. I wake up dreading the thought of going to work.”

When work become a pain that you wish not to be there any longer there is a huge problem that must be addressed. The fact these men are asking you such impersonal questions not once but many times is non of their business and you may need to explain this to them. This may be difficult for you. These people are using you to score sex and use office politics against you. These men are clearly perverted and using these girls and you to gain some gratification in their fantasies they failed to live. I would advise asking politely to stop asking these questions as your personal life is not working chatter. You can also tell them that it could get them in trouble for checking out these girls, obviously much younger then them. If this fails and problems continue you should take this to management and explain the sexual content, Facebook hounding and abuse at work. This is a form of harassment and explain you are disliking your job as a result which is interfering with your personal life in working hours, which is not in your contract.

Undervalued by family love for sister

“My parents keep saying how clever my sister is and how well she’s doing, then ask me why I can’t be more like her. I’m 17 and I’m fed up of being compared with her all the time. She’s 19 and at University. They think that it is the only way to succeed. Mum and Dad keep saying how my sister will earn a fortune when she has graduated and have a wonderful life – and I won’t. I know I should ignore their comments but they diss everything I do and it hurts.”

It is a shame that this happens in families but is more common than you would think. The illusion that University guarantees success isn’t always apparent, especially with the lack of job availability today. Degrees do increase the opportunities but not the determinant. Companies are learning to adopt the non graduate these days because they have more common sense int he workplace than those boosting of high class education. The second of a families children is always the most clever and productive so don’t allow anyone to make you feel any less that great that you agree. The only advice I can truly give you is to try to get a job that pays well or even generally and earn as much money you can to save up and move out. your parents do not value you and chances are they never will. Seeking their approval for years which will never come will only put you back further. Aim high to get an independent future now and save. If they hurt your feelings maybe try listening to music to pass or help if it does and rise above. Work to a higher goal so you can eventually get away from this explosive abuseful situation.

He hoards ex’s sexy gear

I knew my boyfriend was a hoarder but I was shocked to discover a wardrobe full of sexy outfits worn by his ex-girlfriend. I’m 36 and my boyfriend is 39. We’ve been together two years. When I helped him move his things from one room to another while we were decorating I came across a wardrobe full of sexy outfits worn by his ex. They were together for 15 years. He admits she left him; otherwise he’d still be with her. I feel insecure about him keeping this stuff. What can I do?

Your problems here are mostly to do with your own low self-esteem in terms of these outfits. It seems you feel thrown by such outfits because they aren’t something you would be prepared to wear giving a choice on your own influence. Added with the long relationship and fact his ex-wore these has made you feel inadequate. Drop subtle questions in your relationship to find out answers to questions you have in the relationship unrelated to the clothes initially. Ask about instances that you want from the pair of you ad decide if this is a relationship you see a future with. Is it because he may ask you to wear them or the fact you can never compare for not wearing them? Communication about your partnership will strengthen your answers of what you really want from this relationship.

Thug who bullied me for being gay has boyfriend

I was surprised a guy who bullied me at school for being gay sent a friend request to me on Facebook. I am a 25 year old gay man and I accepted his request. I was amazed to see he has a boyfriend now. He says he is enjoying his life. I find it incredible that someone who treated me so poorly for years for liking guys has found he is into the same thing, whereas I’ve never felt able to come out and haven’t had a partner.

Many young children at school who bully people as part of a crowd culture to be popular are often in some respects gay and struggling to deal with their sexuality. Seeing the levels of abuse to you by others, he doesn’t wish for them to turn on him instead. Now, he clearly feels bad about treating you this way and hopes to make it up by being friends. But in your mind, it is disgraceful to treat someone such a way and then simply act as nothing happened. The feeling he put you down so much to send you into a segregated way of being missing out on relationships and communication due to abuse makes you resent him. If you want to be fuller friends then try looking past the old days of school ways. If you feel you can’t then that is not surprising and cut all ties of communication to focus your life your way. Try to look for your own future and meeting others socially or try to make friends in the communities around you on or offline.

Awkward trouser rockets ruining sex life

I get embarrassing erections at the wrong times and none when I want one. I’m 24. I used Viagra every night on holiday, last summer. Now the slightest thing can set it off but in bed I can’t rise to the occasion. My girlfriend thinks I don’t fancy her and accuses me of cheating.

Explain to her why you felt the need to and that you did use Viagra. Sometimes a man can get awkward erections of the slightest random time and doesn’t mean you’re attracted to anything around you but testosterone and setting can react in certain cases. Obviously, Viagra has not helped the situation with your levels of mass consumption. Try to reduce the intake if you are still reliant and if it continues you may need to see a GP. Talk to your girlfriend and try to encourage foreplay, scenarios and certain things that often get you aroused sexually.

Kinky request frightens me

I’ve met a wonderful man and we’re planning to get engaged -however, he asked me to have sex with someone else. I’m a widow of 39 and he’s a 47 year old widow. He’s kind, caring and generous and we are very much in love and committed to a long term relationship. H asked me to have sex with another man so I could “learn new things.” Last night he said he’d found the right man, then suddenly broke down and cried. He kept saying sorry and hated himself. Now he’s asked me to forget all about it but I’m not sure I can.

Losing someone so close to him has made him, alongside his age; consider looking for more in his life and sexual experiences. He may be assuming you may be inclined to do so because of bearing similarities in circumstance. If you are uncomfortable then you should not do what you do not wish to. Speak to him and say why you do not wish to or may consider. Perhaps you want to know why he is intrigued by this. It seems he wants to freshen your relationships and some men enjoy seeing a young stud (or older) enjoying his female friend, done in a fairly caring manner, in his mind. This may be a way to try and move on from being alone and a mechanism to deal with his grief of losing his partner. Offer him support and see if you can help him through his grief. If not, then try to suggest referring other options to him who can.

Misses did the business with stranger after work

My wife had a one night stand at our annual works conference. I could maybe forgive and forget if she had been drunk but I know that she was sober. I’m 39 and she’s 36. We’ve worked for the same trade association for years and the annual conference is a big event on our calendar. Now we have kids, we take it in turns to stay overnight while the other drives home to relive the babysitter. Last month, when the conference was done, it was down to the bar for all the delegates. As I was leaving I saw my wife being chatted up by an impossibly good looking and charming young man at least ten years younger than her. She told me the guy had spent the night with her in her hotel room. She doesn’t drink. She said it was lust and the thrill of doing something wrong. Our sex life has always been good but she said this guy was brilliant in bed. She wants to move on and not make a big deal about a one night stand but it isn’t as easy as that.

Would being drunk be any better? This does not justify infidelity. The thrill may be there to misbehave but this is an excuse for the fact she wanted to cheat because she enjoyed some attention from an outside influence and chose not to stop it at simply flirting. She has taken you and the comfortability of routine for granted. It seems her “brilliant in bed” comment is to keep you hanging on after forgiveness and clearly the sex wasn’t great but different from what you two have in a routine with children. You may need to find more time with each other, despite work and child commitments as this can cause your relationship to suffer, even though you have sex, this is routine and hence, her problem for him being “better.” He challenged your routine. Many people want to break a cycle of the rut they are drifted into by society today. Tell her how she made you feel and your trust issues are shaken and talk about where to go from this next.

Why do I go for a gay guy?

I’m a girl of 19 and, since I broke up with my only boyfriend two years ago, I’ve only felt attracted to gay men. I split from my boyfriend because I realised I didn’t love him but I haven’t felt drawn to a straight man since – just gay guys.

The comfortability, free talking and sharing of mutual respect is what you are infatuated with here. The ability to laugh, be free and enjoy strong caring company built on compassion draws you to them that you fully lack from straight men. You are worried about relationships, however, at 19, it is somewhat strange you feel this way at a time of growing up. This is a phase which you will grow out from but it seems you are purposely throwing all your attentions into trying to turn a gay man into your lover. Nothing good can come from this except more hurt on your part to yourself because he won’t reciprocate afterward. Your feeling this way because you feel there is no one out there for you, but you haven’t looked hard enough and are extremely young. Don’t try to see it as a challenge to get a gay man and try to focus on living daily life with other interests like music or a hobby. Because you are looking for a guy for attention that a gay man gives you, you are questioning why you cannot get this from straight men. You have a long life to live. Enjoy your time as you are and you will eventually meet someone for you.

Help! I’m too big for her

I’m so big in the trouser department that it’s preventing me having sex with my girlfriend. I have been with my girlfriend for two months. She’s is 29 and I’m 32. She’s told me that she’s had some problems with painful sex before. I knew I was big but it was impossible when I tried to have sex with her. We’d had lots of foreplay but even so it was still hopeless. I’m worried that, without a healthy sex life, our relationship is doomed.

For females the sight of a large penis is often a fantasy and a thrill, but then realising the pain attached with it when trying to please is actually a different story. Sometimes the most sensual parts of the body, including genitalia, can freeze, close or naturally react to pressure in an oppressive manner. Make sure you use more than usual with lubrication. Try to relax your girlfriend as much as possible and being anxious can also have a mental effect. She may be willing to do so but her body says another. Try different positions that are adequate for easier practice to have intercourse. As you say, continue with foreplay and make the practice seem natural than waiting for the big moment, pardon the pun. Take time and maintain intimacy with the pair of you showing you care about her during the process to help relax the body.

Girlfriend dumped me for Mr. Potato Head ex

I am a male model yet my girlfriend cheated on me with an ex who looks like a potato. I’m 29, she’s 24. He cheated on her before we met and got two other women pregnant. I treated her like a princess, our sex-life was brilliant and we had a real laugh together. She’s added her ex as a friend on Facebook and removed me. This guy is a loser – and ugly.

Hot Potato

She may have felt that it wasn’t going to get any better in levels of maturity with you and decided to revert to old ways, as we often do, because your attitude to people is somewhat disparaging. It seems you have a strong lack of respect and communication for others in a vain context, which women often pick up on. This can often draw them to someone else. Her ex was an available option with a clear history, regardless how bad it may be. You seem to be too full of your own behaviour as excusive and yet while you aren’t doing what this ex is there are strong similarities in character where you resemble the levels of abuse towards others, only with your judgments instead of action as her ex does. You should try to focus yourself on being a better person and not judge others too quickly because you look good on a poster. This is your downfall and has led to her leaving you.

I bedded 3 men in a month at Uni

I started University as a virgin last month but I’ve had sex with three different guys already. I’m a 19 year old girl. I did have a boyfriend when I was living with parents but they are very strict and religious. They frown on sex before marriage. I went to the student bar on my first night and got very drunk. I ended up going back to one guy’s room and having sex with him. He would come into my room later at night. We had actually started having sex when I realised it was another guy I didn’t know. All the guys thought it was very funny later. I’m now seeing a mature student of 30. He said we should have lots of sex. I’ve gone from not having sex to doing it just for fun and I’m totally confused.

Your religious lifestyle has confined you to taking a backward approach to sex. Because you have been told no with no understanding and education or knowledge, you have had to find your own way. Your own navigation has cost you your virginity because of this way of isolation. You probably should have waited for a more loving encounter with a guy, but you cannot take this back now. Try to live daily without thinking about sex and boys as your main focus for activity in Uni life but if someone comes along that you like you can involve yourself appropriately. Make sure you use a condom and be a little more careful who you chose to sleep with so willfully. Wrapped up in cotton wool. One thing is clear. You are enjoying the carefree sex and are using such language to blame the men as taking advantage of you however you are as much enjoying this as them and must start being honest with yourself rather than blaming others. You are also getting a reputation around the campus as the local free for all. Only you can be responsible for the sex you give away. Being in a relationship so soon with a thirty year old and to “gain more experience” is disgusting as he is using you. Stop dating him as he is taking advantage of you, here.

Dear Deandre…

Some stories come from The Sun newspaper headlines as well as our own readers problems. Dear Deandre is not associated with The Sun and all opinions are our own advice.

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I cheated on my girlfriend, with her mum

“I always thought guys who cheat are stupid and deserve to get dumped but I have done it to my wonderful girlfriend – and with her mum. I’m terrified of losing her. I’m 26, she’s 25. We’ve been together two years and we love each other deeply. She recently went away with work. It’s an important project and she was nervous, so her mum came with us to take her to the airport. I drove her mum back home and she asked to me join her at a neighbour’s party. I said no but she insisted. I woke up to find her in bed with me wearing nothing but a silky nightie. Now I have feelings for her.”

Though your girlfriend’s mother has made the running and seduced you it doesn’t change the fact, as a grown man, you helped yourself to forbidden fruit. You may never have thought you would cheat but you have, and done so with such proximity that this is implosive. You say you feel for her mother, but this is simply feelings of initial lust before the ‘honeymoon period’ wears off. Honestly ask yourself, can you see yourself in a relationship with her mother nearly twice your age? It won’t last long. Confess to your girlfriend and hope she can forgive you. If you truly love her then you may accept the consequences and can prove you still love her after. If you do not, you should end the relationship. The longer your deceit from both continues, the more you will lose everything as truth always comes out.

I’m having great sex with gym instructor behind girls back

“Sex with my girlfriend is non-existent but good sex equals love for me. I’ve been having great sex with another woman and I’ve fallen in love with her. I’m 32, my girlfriend’s 29. The sex has never been amazing. I met an instructor at the gym. She helped me to improve my fitness levels. There was always an amazing chemistry between us.”

Your frustration with a sex less relationship has driven you into the arms of the first temptation you found available. Have you told your instructor you are in a relationship? I feel you haven’t. Regardless, you should consider what you want and take action. Do you want a fancy fling that is going nowhere or a sex less relationship? There are ways to change this. Either one, talk to your girlfriend about the lack of sex and work it out. Or two, dump both of them and find another girl, start afresh and have a relationship with a sustainable level of sex involved. You can’t have both in different avenues.

Changing room led to steamy shower tease

“I went to the gym a few days ago and sat down as I was changing from an exhausting work out. There was a guy opposite me with only a towel on and bent over dropping it, level with my eye-line. I looked away for most of this but caught a glimpse. I went to the shower and he soon came in when it was just us. He was opposite me. He was like one of those shower ladies from I’m a Celebrity. Great body, abs, the lot. He turned, faced me and titled his head back while the water trickled down his body and manhood. I’m sure he was teasing me. When he finished he left without looking and cocked a smile. I’m a guy of 26. He looks about 24 – 27.”

It is possible that the guy was teasing you. He could have been interested in a quickie or he may simply enjoy being a voyeur around other guys enjoying them looking for a bit of fun. If this is the case then either look or don’t but enjoy the view or not and leave them be. They have technically done nothing wrong or harmful. If he approaches you then you will have options, but unless he does, it seems he may want you to look but not touch. Take it for what it’s worth. If this gives you lustful feelings for him, it’s your choice to ask or not, but this could be harmful if you fall out and continue to go to the same gym afterwards. I advise you just let this pass and allow him to continue showing off if this is what he likes, he may soon get bored if you’re not interested.

Threesome led to male desire over my girlfriend

!I had a threesome with my girlfriend and an old school mate and now I think I may be gay. I’m 31 and my girlfriend is 35. We both work for a large company. We invited an old school pal over for a three way. He was up for it. It was amazing sex. But when we were both penetrating my girl, I was drawn to his eyes. He had a smooth and great body. We also rubbed together as we had sex with my girlfriend. He looked back at me and smiled. I’ve started thinking about what it would be like if we were together romantically. Am I gay? It was my girlfriend’s idea to have this threesome. I thought I would be comfortable with someone I knew, as it would be just sex and he wouldn’t steal my girl from me. He’s 31, too.”

Most men’s fear is that a threesome with a man will turn them gay like this instance. This instance is a rare and often mild one, but it has happened. You may be a bisexual enjoying men more than females, or you could indeed be gay. There is no shame in being either way and you can still enjoy comfortable and healthy sex lives. Test the water with your friend and see if he enjoyed time with you more than her. Perhaps he felt the same way. More often than not he may not have, but he may be open to communication with you. You might also be able to confide him and you may not even really fancy him, but because a man was involved whom you felt comfortable with has made you understand you want certain things and you perhaps do not feel you see sexuality but relationships with partners regardless of gender.

Game of poker lead to sexy strip fun

“Me and my best friend play poker often and we invited some girls we know over for a friendly game. The four of use ended up played a game of strip poker. The girls were into it, laughing and eager to lose some clothes. After it got late to around 2 o’clock, they called a cab and left. It was a good night but we were down to both our boxers. After they left, they had left us in a fun mood and my mate dared us to finish the game with a last round. The loser would have to help give the other a hand, as it were. I ended up losing and played him on the sofa. He became throbbing hard and I could tell he enjoyed it. He lowered my head and asked if I would orally please him instead and I did. I am 100% straight but this felt like an amazing experience and I want to play the game again with him as a regular thing but just with us on weekly occasions. Should I pursue this? I’m 26 and he’s 25.”

The thrill of the game, loyalty to the dare and then pleasure from the sex acts has caused you to unlock a hidden level of your sexuality. You may be straight and you want to experience different levels of sexual pleasure and fun that society often condemns us for. There is nothing wrong if you enjoy sex responsibly and healthily. As to whether you should ask him, well, it seems he enjoyed this and may have felt the same buzz you have. You can ask him, and he will probably agree but be careful if he decides this is not a possibility he wants to pursue and respect him for that. If you have sex, consider using a condom for a healthier approach.

PC fixer buzzed my harddrive

“I cheated on my boyfriend with the computer repair man. I feel I should tell him the truth about what I’ve done but it would destroy him. I am 29 and have been feeling sexually frustrated with my boyfriend. He is 30. We have sex but it is uneventful and boring. I needed a buzz. The PC repair man came over and after he connected me I lapped him up. I found myself doing what I normally wouldn’t and placed my hand over his crotch. I could tell he liked it. We had sex there and then on the floor and then moved over onto the sofa. I felt fantastic, thrilling and surprised by the no strings, spontaneity which drove me wild. I really regret it though, as I love my boyfriend. How can I make sure he knows I love him if I tell him?”

The spontaneous level of fun can be an exhilarating experience. However, as you understand, you are not single and this has its problems attached. If you tell your boyfriend then you should explain why you felt you needed this buzz and hope to work your differences out. Perhaps suggesting different techniques, positions and mood of how to engage in sex will help. Communicate on how to achieve a healthier sex life and enjoy each other’s company. Tell each other what you like to do and this can ease tensions with one another.

Girl’s mother asked for permission to give me oral sex. She agreed

“My girlfriend’s mother asked for permission to give me oral sex. I’m 28, my girl is 25. Her mum is 47. My girlfriend told me she had asked. Shockingly my girlfriend thought it would be funny and said yes. Her mum came in as I was on the sofa watching TV. My girl left. I said I wasn’t sure but she pulled my jeans off quick and started. I didn’t have time to stop her. After a few minutes being erect my girl came in and sat next to us watching. She put on some mother porn from an old video. I was in two minds. A hot scenario and an awkward one. After, I felt ashamed to have let it happen. They want to do it again while my girl watches. Once may have been enough. I feel uncomfortable but I do enjoy it too.”

This does sound complicated but it is whether you yourself are comfortable overall. It seems your problem is that your girlfriend enjoys watching with such a level of closeness to you and the other and family connections can become awkward should situations escalate with upset, jealousy etc. Maybe you can outline some ground rules and ask not to make it a continual thing and only now and then if she has no partner and is really starved for companionship. If it happens every week, and you are uncomfortable then you should say as this fantasy can quickly become problematic and you may lose your girlfriend. Try focusing on sex with your girlfriend only and explain to her privately that it may be ok now and then, but overall is awkward for you because her springing it on you randomly threw you off course.

Cheating girlfriend forces me to find others

“I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. I feel so low and lonely that I am not looking for other partners. I am 33. She’s 29. Our sex life has hit a slump. I’m working all hours and come home exhausted and earn our money and she seeks outside relationships. I don’t know how to confront it and have no resorted to looking for other sex partners instead.”

Your girlfriend’s infidelity is inexcusable but the pair of you have reached a level of stalemate. You should either part ways or communicate. If it is this bad, consider having an open relationship. You might want to try role playing if you don’t want role playing. Try to incorporate ideas to making the relationship work if you can and are committed to a resolution. The partners you have sex with are also uneventful for both of you as they are a substitute for the lack of communication.

Swinging standards on third strike sex

“My wife and I are regular swingers. We love the fun and thrill. I like sitting and watching as a young stud has sex with her on our couch as I watch naked on the floor. The smiles on her face also make me pleased. It feels amazing to see a guy underneath enjoying it too and we all have a happy time without it sounding dirty. We always all get on and enjoy it. It’s a good communal experience. One guy now wants to be a regular and we have our own rules not to let guys have sex with us more than three times at the most. How can we tell him we would like to be friends but we’re not a merry go round? She’s 39, I’m 46. He is 27.”

You will have to be firm but fair. You can outline to him that you have your own set rules. If you do allow him to participate for two more sessions then he may understand to make the best of the experiences and you can give him clarity that the show is ending, so to speak. He will appreciate the experiences more and you can too while setting your boundaries. You may want to make them special somehow. You can still be friends and take to parties if that’s your thing, or if you have other friends you can pair them and share newer experiences. If he becomes too clingy you will have to explain your rules constructively and that he needs to respect them.

Dear Deandre has returned to give you the advice you need on sex, relationships and daily life tips to get through tough times with a logical and supportive sense. All views are our own and if you have a question you need answered please feel free to email us in the contact section above. Alternatively post a comment below. Or you can tweets us at @FalseFabs on Twitter. Don’t forget to follow us, too for fresh updates on articles.

Dear Deandre will now be a bi-weekly edition in order to give readers more time to read and ad their own if necessary. Discretion is assured and we always protect our sources so you can read and email in confidence. The bi-weekly also allows for more time to give a fuller detailed level of help to multiple and contrasting problems.

I cheated on lover after a dirty flirty chat online

“I met a woman for sex after we’d talked intimately online bit it was a terrible mistake. I cannot help talking to girls about sex and porn. It makes me feel electric but afterwards I feel disgusting, especially as I have a regular girlfriend. I am 24 and my girlfriend is 22. Everything is great when we are together. One time it went too far and I ended up having sex with another girl. In the end I suggested we meet and she agreed. She was at least ten years older than me. She was trying to make it fun but I felt like a zombie.”

The reason you feel “disgusted” is because society and the media will not talk about sex in an open forum. secondly they have no idea how to understand motivations for sex and how healthy it can be. They simply do not understand it other than for procreation so they vilify others to feel dirty and ashamed. However, the shameful part is that you are not single and have literally cheated in every capacity. You may be remorseful but you have to address what you have done and cannot take this back. Certain relationships from parents can genetically lead down to children and their behaviours in later life. Not all, but a vast majority. There is nothing wrong with porn and sex but the lack of your girlfriend in your relationship is the issue here. If neither can make time for one another or discuss problems, you are going to be tempted to do this again, and probably will. Porn often needs an outlet. But when you are not single you cannot fully go out with another without consequence. Talk to your girlfriend. Maybe if you feel like confessing, do so. They hype of meeting and doing with a partner was more of an excitement and fantasy built in your mind of escapism from the woes with your girlfriend, hoping it would give you a different lease of life and thrill. As you state, it did not. You need to address the issues with your relationship and indeed your own level of commitment to them. We can all rob a bank tomorrow, but would we do it? Why not? The moral cheating can be hurtful to females as well as actually sex but you were caught up in the moment of this flirting.

I’m seeing office sexpot while my wife is pregnant

“I’m falling for a girl at work but my wife has just told me she’s pregnant. I feel ashamed of myself but I’m growing out of love with my wife. I’m 29 and she’s 27 and we’ve been married for three years. Since she told me I’ve hit the drink and drugs.”

It is a shame you needed to hear the words “pregnant” to feel ashamed of adulterous behaviour. Your actions with an affair have proven that while you present a loving marriage and happy times with a child you are living a lie on being content with this lifestyle. Among this, your child will be brought into the world with a father who is concerned more with living a life of fun instead of responsibilities. Having a child is no novelty and requires constant attention. I doubt you will, but you should confess your behavior to your wife before your child is born and deal with this issue. Your child will soon be born, and it is better that that child is born with a clear conscience and can still have “two parents” who are separated but still see them regularly. End your office fling. She is just a plaything for you and is threatening everything in your life and she will later move on. The pair of you have no life together. There is no shame in being single and getting your head together. Concentrate on your responsibilities. You should not stay in a relationship because of guilt. This will only lead to more resentment and problems before you will eventually split up. You cannot continue to run away from your problems and will have to face up to them. Better sooner than later.

Unhappy with her Uni plans

“My girlfriend is going away to university next month but I don’t want her to go. I love her so much. She’s 19, I’m 24 and working. The university she wants to go to is hours away.I am her first sexual partner, though I have had several. I don’t want to lose her but I don’t want to hold her back either.”

Either you are highly possessive or something else. It seems you have the insecurity that she will have a good time and go out after doing her studies. She is aiming to better herself however you insecurity from within feels she will meet lots of men and have sex. This is your assumption but perhaps this is something you have done in your time in relationships and makes you concerned. Long distance relationships work out sometimes but if there are fundamental problems as this, something you never thought would occur and is now a possibility, and you being her first, the smothering attitude may drive you apart. She is aiming to be independent in her life. Too much reliance or ‘checking up’ can drive her away. You are her first relationship and she is young. It seems that the pair of you have a limited time together and perhaps this is a wake up call you two are meant to be apart. Perhaps you should both remain friends? If you want to make it work you have to give her a chance and trust. Too heavily a reliance and explanation of what she’s doing will not keep her hanging around.

Do I dump fiancee for more romps with teen?

“I’ve been with my fiancee for five years and we’re planning a wedding – but I’ve fallen for another woman. I’m 28. I had met the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and things were working out well – until a new girl started at work. She was incredibly sexy and only 18. No way did I think she’d look at me. One day after work I went to my car, She was lounging on the bonnet and asked for a lift. She had her skirt hitched up so that I had a great view of her underwear – and there wasn’t much of it. Halfway home she said to stop the car. The moment I pulled up she was all over me. I didn’t know how to stop her and she gave me oral sex. The next day she asked if I would like a repeat journey home. I should have said no. It has now become a regular thing two or three times a week. She is all I think about. I think I love this girl. “

You are not ready for marriage. You clearly acknowledged this. You are dating a teen based on some kind of lads fantasy and then have a story down the pub to your mates to hear approval of “get in son” and feel you’ve achieved some fun in your life. But this displays you have not matured as you may wish to and you are asking for advice on clarification to continue your romps. You cannot have your cake and eat it. You want someone to make the choice for you and it is solely yours. You are aware of what you are doing and cannot be excused. She is barely 18 and you enjoy the “barely legal” aspect of fantasy. This will soon disappear and you will realise this fling was a blip and she will move on. Their is no future here, but you do not have one with your wife to be.Plus you have cheated on her multiple times which is deplorable and you should “man up” and be honest and end this relationship. You should end your teen fantasy as well. There will only be more problems coming from this and even if she was a flirty temptress, you are in control of your actions as a grow near 30 year old man. You must face up to your responsibilities. You are not 18 anymore and cannot live out any ‘lost youth.’

My boyfriend prefers coke to me

“I love my boyfriend dearly but I don’t think he cares enough for me. I’m 25 and female and he’s 23. He often takes substances, legally, in his own private places but it is putting a strain on our relationship. It seems he loves them more than me. Everytime he takes them he loses his erection and makes our sex life non-existent. There seems to be no time for us as a couple.”

It is true that substances can affect a man’s performance sexually. However, what you also explain is that they are beginning to dominate your relationship. If you think this is salvageable, then talk to them and express you want more time together and that sometimes the drugs can make you feel unloved. If he doesn’t appreciate this then you may have to answer that question you don’t wish to face. You could perhaps seek some advice from a drug charity, however, this may not be appreciated by your partner. If so, then, unfortunately you must make a decision to remain second-best and form a content lifestyle around this or seek other opportunities. Having affairs would not be advisable.

Stepdad hit on me

“I sent my stepdad a text meant for my boyfriend with lots of kisses, and now he has got the wrong idea. I’m 22 and my boyfriend is 23. My sister told me a while ago that she thinks my stepdad likes me because she has caught him looking at me a certain way.”

You made a mistake here granted, but that gives him no right to make a move. This clearly identifies that he is unloyal to your mother and hitting on her children proves he has no cares and wants whatever sex he can get. Tell your sister immediately and ask if she will support and go with you when you tell your mother. You should inform her. If she does not wish to believe her children over her lover then you will have to consider calling the police or charities for your safety as well as possibly finding another place to live. Also tell him that it is unacceptable to behave in such a way, even if you did send a text by mistake. When these problems happen, it is highly likely to happen again, at another time because you have now given him some power in knowing he can touch you without any repercussions in his mind. He can then use the texts against you as an excuse to blame you for giving the wrong idea, should your mother wish to maintain a marriage.