Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate..

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Wait, so what did happen to Princess Diana?

We pick back up at Kyle’s Dining Room Dinner Party (“Cheers to my new sideboard!”), where The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick is accusing Brandi of viciously attacking people when she’s backed into a corner — kind of like what The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick is doing to Brandi right now. However, Brandi proves The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick wrong by leaving the Dining Room Dinner Party to go sob on the curb rather than accuse The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick of being a smack addict or being transgender or something.

Inside, The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick shrugs that what can she do? she has to tell the truth, while Lisa Vanderglares in her general direction. Lisa then turns to Kyle, and strongly Vandersuggests that she try to stop her guest from leaving in a cloud of tears and fury. OH FINE, Kyle agrees, and she heads out to the driveway where she finds Brandi wailing that SHE CAN’T! SHE CAN NOT! WHY, THE MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK, WHY?

Inside, This Marisa Zanuck Character defends Brandi, suggesting that perhaps a little more time needs to pass before she can meet with La Maloof to try to work things out. But The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick dismisses this: she doesn’t feel bad about what she said to Brandi, but maybe she’ll send her flowers. Lisa does not Vanderprove, and attempts to explain that Brandi was very intimidated by Dr. Mr. La Maloof. The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick thinks that Lisa’s protectiveness is very sweet, but Lisa knows when she’s being Vanderpatronized AND SHE DOES NOT VANDERAPPRECIATE IT. The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick is just trying to defend her devastated friend — La Maloof’s voice broke her heart. OH,VANDEREALLY. Because Lisa was pretty devastated by what La Maloof attempted to do to her business and integrity, so.

And with that, Lisa Vanderexcuses herself to go check on Brandi and relieve Kyle of Brandi duty. She hugs Brandi, pats Brandi on the head (or maybe her elbow, as there is no way Lisa could Vandereach Brandi’s head) and sends Brandi home, because there is no reason to go back inside and deal with The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick. What’s the point?

Kyle, in the meantime, whines that she feels torn: on the one hand, she has cometo really like Brandi! On the other, The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick ruined her Dining Room Dinner Party and attacked someone who never did anything to her in an desperate grab for a little screen time! What’s a girl to do? The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick pleads with Kyle to not be mad at her, and Kyle offers that she is not. For some reason. And with that, Lisa says her Vandergoodbyes because THAT IS ENOUGH OUT OF YOU, THE MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK.

The next day, Taylor has a medium who is tangentially (not at all) related to Oprah come over to her house to cleanse the joint, and to do a reading on Taylor’s pending lawsuit. Miss Alisha gives Taylor a black rock to discharge negativity, and then instructs Taylor to suck on her hands for some reason. Miss Alisha flings herself around while asking “Father” how Taylor’s lawsuit will be resolved — because the spiritual plane has nothing better to do than handicap ongoing lawsuits — and announces that Taylor will settle it soon. The two then march around the house ringing a bell and spraying air freshener and Miss Alisha tells Taylor to ask her about what really happened to Princess Diana sometime. Wait, what? Miss Alisha isn’t going to tell us what happened to Princess Diana? YOU ARE NO LA BRUJA, MISS ALISHA. YOU’RE NOT EVEN AN ALLISON DUBOIS. DISAPPOINTED.

Kyle and Marisa Zanuck do backyard yoga and gossip about the dinner party and their yogi yells at them to shut up. That is all that happens.

Brandi meets Lisa for a little Vandershopping, because after her encounter with The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, whom she calls a “chick with an anatomical part that rhymes with ‘chick’,” Brandi could use some retail therapy.

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But Lisa is not here to shop for strips of elastic that they are trying to sell as “skirts,” nor is she here to talk about that Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick nonsense anymore, she has more Vanderpressing things to discuss with Brandi, like would maybe possibly Brandi be willing to help promote her new show Vanderpump Vanderules have a sit-down with her waitress at Sur, the one whose name is “Sheena” but she spells it “Scheana” for no good reason, the one who boinked Brandi’s husband while Brandi was pregnant with his second child AND THEN HAD THE AUDACITY TO GO ON ACCESS HOLLYWOOD TO CRY ABOUT HOW HE DUMPED HER FOR LEANN RIMES. That one. The thing is Lisa could really use the publicity for her new spinoff, Vanderpump Vanderules is really concerned about “Scheana” because she and Brandi keep crossing paths at the restaurant and it’s awkward and Scheana’s cried a few times, and Lisa just feels so sorry for her. Brandi is incredulous, because SCHEANA SLEPT WITH HER HUSBAND WHEN BRANDI WAS PREGNANT WITH THEIR SECOND CHILD AND THENHAD THE AUDACITY TO GO ON ACCESS HOLLYWOOD TO CRY ABOUT HOW HE DUMPED HER FOR LEANN RIMES, and she has the nerve to go around crying about it two years later?! YEAH, BRANDI IS GOING TO HAVE TO THINK ABOUT HAVING A CHIT CHAT WITH HER, LISA.

So, Taylor’s lawsuit. Taylor is being sued by a former business partner? associate? of Russell’s, from whom Russell had parted ways and owed some $1.5 million. But then Russell went and killed himself, leaving Taylor holding the $1.5 million dollar bag, which, no big deal, because Taylor was supposed to be left a $14 million trust. But HA HA there was nothing in it at the time of Russell’s death, and she now finds herself in litigation and hiring mediums to suck their hands and spray air freshener around her house. Taylor’s attorney calls her and announces: GOOD NEWS! He and the other side have come to an agreement! BAD NEWS! They want her 10 ct. diamond wedding ring and a couple of her Hermes purses, which, fair enough! Who would want the diamond ring that one’s abuser gave you in the first place? But Taylor is OUTRAGED, in large part because the other party in the suit were some of her and Russell’s closest friends back in the day. Look at it this way, Taylor, the medium was right, your lawsuit will be settled, so that money wasn’t wasted!

OHMYGODWHYISYOLANDAACASTMEMBERAGAIN? Yolanda makes dinner for her family and congratulates herself for doing so. Yolanda berates her daughter for wanting to be on her school’s volleyball team which Yolanda does not consider feminine. Yolanda complains that her daughter is now a lesbian. Yolanda serves David Foster a giant pile of pasta while he goes on a long sexist rant about how men don’t think about lady things like cooking because they are only preoccupied with their careers and getting ahead in life. YOU WOULD BE THE WORST, YOLANDA, IF YOU WEREN’T SO BORING. YOYAWNDA, THAT IS YOUR NEW NAME.

Unsure whether or not she should meet with “Scheana,” Brandi takes her dilemma to the one woman who understands: Camille, who, like Alexia on Real Housewives of Miami, is no longer a full-time cast member anymore, not that anyone can tell SINCE SHE IS ON EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. Camille notes that while she would not want specific details about Kelsey’s relationship with the little strumpet who destroyed her family, she would like to know, say, what he was telling her about his relationship with Camille. Brandi agrees and makes noises about closure and this was all a long way to go to make it look like she wasn’t going to meet with “Scheana” even though we all know she was going to meet with “Scheana” because Vanderpump Vanderules.

OH WAIT, MORE YOYAWNDA. Yoyawnda shows off her daughter’s horse. Yoyawnda explains that giving a child a horse is a good way to teach them responsibility for another life, unlike say, getting them a dog or a goldfish. Yoyawnda explains how expensive it is to have a horse thanks to the very necessary horse expenditures like masseuses and chiropractors. Yoyawnda might be the single most useless housewife in the history of Housewives and yes, I am counting D.C.

GREAT NEWS, EVERYONE! La Maloofs are teaming up to create their own skincare line! So now you can La Maloofa your face while you wear your Maloof Hoofs! Sounds like a super business plan! How can I invest?

Prove it. (bravotv.com)

Taylor, her attorney, Kyle, Mauricio, Lisa and Grandpa Ken meet to celebrate the end of Taylor’s lawsuit, hooray. Nothing really interesting happens here, other than the above, contextless quote (Go on with your Vanderbadass self, Lisa), and Kyle freaking out when she learns that Sober Kim has been hanging out in cigar bars? I don’t know? I guess she’s worried about Sober Kim’s supposed sobriety? Kyle then complains about not being invited to Sober Kim’s son’s birthday part in Las Vegas, “Tempting Fate,” but weakly tries to claim it doesn’t bother her. Yes it does, Lisa responds. It totally bothers you. Why are you saying it doesn’t bother you when it totally bothers you? Quit hitting yourself, quit hitting yourself, quit hitting yourself.

Finally, our main event: Brandi vs. “Scheana.” Lisa visits with “Scheana,” who tells her boss that she hasn’t been able to sleep, she’s so worried about this meeting. NO DOUBT. If only because Brandi, if she were so inclined, could squish “Scheana” with one of her giant Louboutins. Brandi arrives, and Lisa Vandereminds her that “Scheana” was young and stupid when she destroyed Brandi’s marriage, so, you know, don’t tear her limb from limb with your bare hands.

Within moments of sitting down with her, “Scheana” begins crying about how sorry she is, and Brandi is like, OH NO, MA’AM. YOU DO NOT GET TO CRY. I’M THE ONE WHO LOST MY FAMILY BECAUSE OF A HARLOT OF A WAITRESS WHO TRIED TO PROFIT FROM THE FACT THAT SHE SLEPT WITH A D-LIST ACTOR. Which, fair point. Brandi deservedly berates “Scheana” for selling her story, to which “Scheana” attempts to protest that she had a right to put her side of the story out there. Eddie Cibrian told “Scheana” that he loved her! Eddie Cibrian gave “Scheana” diamond earrings! Eddie Cibrian took “Scheana” on trips! THERE WERE REAL FEELINGS INVOLVED, argues the dimwitted 20-something former goomah to the betrayed mother of Eddie Cibrian’s children. DO NOT GET THIS TWISTED, responds Brandi. DO NOT THINK I AM GOING TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOU. “Scheana” details all the places she and Eddie Cibrian went together (Mammoth, “The Lake,” some bar called “Trojan Horse” that does not seem to exist on Google so I can’t mock it with any real authority), and notes that he met her mother and helped her move into her apartment. IT WAS REAL.

Brandi then asks “Scheana” about some of her mutual friends with Eddie Cibrian, and whether or not they knew about their relationship, and “Scheana” names a couple of names, and offers to show the texts to prove it. This genuinely shocks Brandi, who notes that if Eddie Cibrian had spent as much effort on his acting as he did lying to her, he might have a career right about now. Brandi then begins burbling about her kids and how perfect they are and how all she wants is stability in their lives which is why she doesn’t want Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes to ever get divorced. (Lie.) “Scheana” explains that this connected with her because she has a mother. Brandi then tells “Scheana” that while they will never be friends, “Scheana” shouldn’t feel she has to flee every time Brandi comes into the restaurant; she can even go so far as to say hello (well, maybe just wave). And with that, Brandi leaves the restaurant and a crying “Scheana.”

Lisa checks in on “Scheana” who explains that the meeting was both easier and harder than she had expected, and that her heart is broken that she caused Brandi so much pain. Lisa commends the waitress for confronting the issue, and closing this particular chapter, before sending her back to work. As “Scheana” makes her way through the restaurant, someone named “Stacy” but spells her name “Stassi,” sasses “Scheana” that if she wants to give up her shift, she needs to let “Stassi” know first and WAIT A MINUTE, ARE WE IN VANDERPUMP VANDERULES? WE ARE! WE ARE IN VANDERPUMP VANDERULES! NICE TRY, ANDY COHEN. YOU ALMOST GOT ME, BUT I SHALL NOT FALL INTO YOUR TRAP. THE END. THIS IS WHERE THIS EPISODE OF THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS EPISODE ENDS.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on Bravo.

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate..