Thursday, June 20, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

James Gandolfini, star of “The Sopranos” has died at age 51 while visiting Rome. Apparently people knew something was wrong when he was sitting in a cafe and all of a sudden “Don’t Stop Believin’” started playing.

The Vatican says it will announce a miracle attributable to John Paul II which could lead to his sainthood. Apparently the Church feels it was a miracle he was able to keep all those priests from being sent to jail.

A new film questions if TWA flight 800 which crashed shortly after takeoff in 1996 was not the result of an accident. It was the biggest disaster ever on TWA other than their merger with American Airlines.

The Associated Press CEO says government sources won’t talk after being intimidated by the Justice Department probe. Journalists were shocked. Since when do any sources with actual news go to the Associated Press?

The Fauquier Times-Democrat newspaper in northern Virginia is taking the “Democrat” out of its name. The worst part is that people found out about the change by watching their local TV news.

The Fauquier Times-Democrat newspaper in northern Virginia is taking the “Democrat” out of its name. Apparently management was tired of readers in northern Virginia who kept asking “What’s a Democrat?”

A study says a darkened room encourages creativity. Mostly people trying to figure out how to get some light in the room so they can see what they are doing.

A study says a darkened room encourages creativity. Mostly because a darkened room means that the TV, computer and cellphones have all been shut off.

A study says a darkened room encourages creativity. Like trying to figure out ways to finally pay the electric bill.

Miami Heat fans were denied reentry into Game 6 of the NBA Finals after leaving and realizing the team was making a spectacular comeback. As opposed to the Miami Marlins who won’t let any fans leave the stadium until after the attendance has been completely counted.

Former L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa says he would like to run for California Governor some day. Just like he served as L.A. Mayor on some days.

Former L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa says he would like to run for California Governor some day. He is reportedly broke and who better to run California than someone who has the same economic status?

Boeing has been told to repay the government after charging $2,286 for a $10 part. Whoever thought those $600 toilet seats would some day start to look like a bargain?

The Paris tourism board has been profiling travelers, calling the Japanese “demanding”, Italians “impatient” and Spanish “looking for freebies”. Or as the French refer to those tourists, “Amateurs!”

Feds are accusing two New York men of planning to build a mobile X-Ray weapon. Apparently they are being charged with copyright infringement by the TSA.

A New Jersey school has banned a hearing impaired girl from using sign language on the schoolbus. Apparently she was violating the law that says the only sign language that can be used on New Jersey roads is the middle finger.

The AMA has labeled obesity as a disease. Which means that pizza deliverers are now officially categorized as “carriers”.

The AMA has labeled obesity as a disease. So how do they label that when a fat person gets food poisoning?

A poll says that Democrats support health care reform more when it is called “Obamacare” while Republicans support it less. Political experts were shocked. There are Republicans who support Obamacare at all?

The Los Angeles School District is ordering iPads for all their students. Students like the tablets as they are user friendly, easy to carry around and are sturdy enough to be used to deflect random gunfire.

The Los Angeles School District is ordering iPads for all their students. Apparently the district figures that it shouldn’t be too hard to come up with the money now that there are only three students still attending L.A. schools.

Porsche has taken the top spot in an annual survey of vehicle quality. It’s not that the cars are made any better than other vehicles, it’s that the people driving them are just happy that they get to be seen driving a Porsche.

GM was the winner in the J.D. Power quality study, with fewer initial quality problems than Toyota, Honda or Ford. Chrysler complained, saying it has fewer quality problems than anyone. No quality, no problem.

A prisoner in Arizona is suing for $ 1 Trillion because of a bellyache. Apparently he was able to escape just long enough to make it to the closest Taco Bell.

A prisoner in Arizona is suing for $ 1 Trillion because of a bellyache. The warden isn’t worried. If the prisoner knew anything about the legal system he wouldn’t be behind bars in the first place.

George Zimmer, founder of Men’s Wearhouse has been fired by the company's board. If this ends up in court, it will be the one suit Zimmer won’t be offering at a discount.

A study says that Illinois smartphone users overpay for their services by $1.4 Billion a year. No one had any idea that many people in Illinois were subscribing to AT&T.

Nickelodeon is resisting critics of food ads they are showing to kids on their cable channels. Apparently the network feels if people are really concerned about what their children are exposed to on TV, why are the Kardashians still on the air?

A study says that hot flashes are common with women even before menopause. Mostly when it hits them that they haven’t hit menopause yet and are thinking they may be pregnant again.

A study says that obesity in teenagers is tied to hearing loss. Especially when parents get no results after constantly saying “Stop eating that!”

A study says that obesity in teenagers is tied to hearing loss. Or as most parents eventually find out, once kids become teenagers they pretty much stop hearing anything their folks are saying.

A study says that day care may help kids who have depressed moms. Of course, their mothers are more than likely depressed because they can’t afford day care and have their kids around the house all day.

A Parkinson’s group says they are offended by lyrics in a new Kanye West song. Which is too bad since until then they were the one group who hasn’t been offended already by Kanye West.

A study says that brain scans can read people’s emotions. The most common emotion they see is anger from people getting a brain scan and knowing their insurance company will say it isn’t covered by their policy.

The AMA says it supports kids being able to use sunscreen at schools. As opposed to New Jersey kids who are lobbying to get school districts to buy them tanning beds they can use between classes.

A survey says that parents feel the worst role models for kids are Chris Brown and Miley Cyrus. Miley Cyrus is a worse role model than Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes? Did I miss it in the news where she killed someone or robbed a bank?

Elizabeth Taylor’s first wedding gown will be put on auction for a starting bid of $47,000. It would be worth more but when it’s one of eight it loses a little bit of its exclusivity.

Elizabeth Taylor’s first wedding gown will be put on auction for a starting bid of $47,000. She wore it to marry Conrad Hilton, Jr. the great uncle of Paris Hilton. He lived off his parents’ money, couldn’t make the relationship last and died from alcoholism. No genetic testing needed in that family!

Elizabeth Taylor’s first wedding gown will be put on auction for a starting bid of $47,000. Collectors are waiting for the wedding gown she wore to marry Larry Fortensky. Experts say it could go for as much as $12.73.

Kate Middleton says that Prince William will be in the delivery room with her when their baby is born. Apparently he wants to help in raising the child by being the one who personally hands the baby over to the Royal Nanny.

The NSA says they are considering ending the collection of date from American’s phone calls. It’s good to see that all it takes is a media firestorm, investigations and threats of legal and political action to get a government agency to at least think about what they are doing.

A study says that the Google and Clorox company restaurants are among the healthiest in the country. And when you consider how many companies have their own restaurants for employees, Google and Clorox are pretty much it.

A study says that the Google and Clorox company restaurants are among the healthiest in the country. And what could be more appetizing than a restaurant that carries the name Google or Clorox?

A study says that parents are divided on how to monitor their kids’ Internet use. Mostly because most parents have no clue what their kids are doing online and would have no idea how to find out if they wanted.

The IRS is preparing to hand out $70 Million in bonuses. Mostly from the White House for at least temporarily taking the heat off them for Benghazi and the NSA data collection scandals.

President Obama is reportedly gearing up for a major push on climate change. He can’t get anything done on jobs, the economy or immigration so why not just throw everything else at the wall and see if something might stick?

Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu says that “obnoxious” prevails in the Senate. As opposed to “disgusting” in the House, “moronic” in the Supreme Court and “inept” at the White House.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am taking a couple of days off my real job to relax. Obviously I couldn’t support myself writing crap like this so I need to do something else to pay the bills. Unfortunately, I made the choice of broadcasting to try to do that. Don’t worry, I will still be putting the jokes out even when I am taking some R&R...Just because I am off the clock doesn’t mean you can’t still send the love!