Queen turns down role in Queen movie

Her Majesty the Queen has announced she will not appear in the new biopic about rock band Queen. “One is totally gutted about this, one really fucking is,” the British Monarch told Variety, the film industry bible. “After enjoying working with Roddy so much, one thought maybe one’s career would be revitalised. The Queen thing seemed just fucking made for one. One suggested at one point that Prince Phillip play Brian May in a grey fright wig, and that went down pretty well. Think about it, they’ve got the same build and everything. Age difference isn’t that bad. Phillip's been really looking forward to it, air guitar, the fucking lot.”

The Queen was tipped to play the Freddie-Mercury-in drag role of the housewife, made famous in the I Want to Break Free video. “One would be giving one in the eye to Diana’s lot, who were always going on about Freddy Mercury,” the Queen continued. “And the message of the song, about one wanting to break free, would say so much about where one is at, at the moment, career-wise. Like, nowhere-ville, SW1. Then one hears from Paramount that they want to play down all the edgey stuff in the movie, and make it family friendly. One fucking means! No doubt they’ll give the role to Helen now, and good luck to her.”

Her Majesty hinted there may be other roles in the offing, in music if not film. “One’s got to keep it under one’s crown for the moment, but one’s people have been talking to Keith and Mick. At least they’ve managed to maintain their careers by being alive. Yes, admittedly one turned one’s nose up at them at the Royal Command Performance, 1968, but that was then. I remember we had to take Anne home early, because…well never mind. I’m so glad this new one’s a boy. Anyway, so, Satanic Royal Majesties, with a few other tracks. 2000 Light Years from Home, one gets off on that. One will introduce it from a Royal Box by asking “Have you come far? Woop woo!”