Knowing and Notknowing

A Vision

In the beginning, we know everything but are not aware.
Then, we think we know everything.
Later, perhaps, we know a little and are aware of it.

There is an irregularly shaped sphere of soccer-ball size hovering in front of my inner eye. The right hemisphere is red the left blue. The vibrant colours of the Crimson Rosella. The whole shape moves like an amoeba. Where the two colours meet, they don’t mix. Near the border there are spots of one colour dotted into the other; further away they reduce in size.

The movement along the equator is stronger, like hands washing each other. The movement is sensuous and caressing.

I realise this is about me. The blue part is my mind, the red, my heart. They are together. They enjoy their proximity and intimacy. A companionship between two parts of me; they have matured separately. Now they are deservedly reunited in a warm, gentle bond.

Reunited?

This means they have been together before. A long time ago, they had been one, when the baby was born. The heart knew only love. Love needs reciprocation to sustain. She was alone. Then she felt fear. She panicked and wanted to withdraw.

The mind was curious, excited and open to experience. He knew, for being here, he needed the heart, but not why. He did not want the heart to go back. He had just arrived; he did not want to go but explore.

Sensing the up and down of the heart’s fear, the mind wanted to reduce it. He created warmth, glowing vibrant colours, winding and curling and erratically hopping dots, all embedded in softness filled with a breeze of fragrances and harmonic sounds.

He had not known of such things. He created randomly anything, guided by her smiles and trembling. Finally, the heart laughed and stopped wanting to withdraw.

Far too early, only a few hours old (but what is time?), at a time when he needed to be nurtured and guided, he had to nurture and lead. He was not a born leader. Relentless, survival’s command is merciless: “You do it or die!”

§

This is how it was. The mind created to keep the heart smile. He became excellent at this. His world glowed with golden sunshine, with rainbows without rain and blue sky with scattered puffy clouds. Trees with flowers, soft green grass and gentle hills, everything exuded its fragrance.

And birds and butterflies, and ferries and dwarfs. All was of vibrant bright colours, it was warm, all was laughing, and there were beautiful sounds, and the air tasted scented.

He learned about the other (real) world, but it was too harsh for the gentle heart. He protected her, maybe too much, but he could not know. Out of love, he took control.

At a time, when he could have learned about being a human and their world, he created and sustained another.

§

Taller beings fed him and kept him warm. They called him a dreamer, and he felt discomfort. He withdrew into the world he had created for the heart. She was happy to see him, and they stayed there for long periods of time.

He became the older brother and she, the baby sister, followed him with total trust and adoration. She liked to be nurtured and protected, and she stopped growing. The guidance of the heart reduced, his confidence grew. Their playtimes shortened and happened less frequently.

Separation

He had not been aware of love, it had always been. Once it was gone, he was close to dying. The instinct of survival prevented this. Now, he craved for love, he knew what it felt like.

Like before, when in relation with the heart, he created in order to receive. He would do anything for it; astonishing miracles but even be submissive, bargain and beg for it.

He was alone and lonely. Leading and protecting was his form of giving and caring. It flowed into children, animals and plants and in his creations. Amongst humans, his form of caring was mostly unrequited, the reason why he considered his caring of little value.

§

He obeyed the laws of the outer world, he did what was expected: Be a good boy. He received praise, and his confidence grew again. He learned: From doing the right thing comes appreciation and recognition. He mistook this rule for loving and being loved.

In his inner world, knowing appeared out of the vastness. Therefore, he had never learned, he had no concept of learning. The outer world’s knowledge had only a connection with the vastness. Since outer knowledge is based on learning, he did not have any. As an old adult, learning by heart was very difficult.

He was not a good student. Luckily, there was enough inner knowledge in ingeneering and science, such as magnetism, electricity, sound, light and optics allowing him to pass his exams. And the fields of the Arts always compensated for mathematics.

§

He grew up and learned the very hard way the machinations of the real world. He was successful and acknowledged. His old dream-world had been superseded and replaced by an exciting new reality.

Even his need for love was satisfied, somehow. He sensed it as a small pain in the chest. He called it love, the ache, which increased when he was separated from it. He was not aware of his confusion; it had been too long ago.

Still, now, all worked, it made sense to him. As a creator, he devised the circumstances to sustain his illusion.

§

Believing to know, stops asking, and all had reason and sense. Sometimes, there was discomfort, but that’s part of life. Thus, the status quo remained.

He lived, knowing (believing) that love is pain and it comes from other people. To get it he must please them. He was at the mercy of their whim; they decided him to be worthy of their love. Excelling in what he knew was his way to assure the supply.

The Break

The person who was his primary source of love sustenance turned away from him. When love ended, something broke, somewhere deep inside. He had not known that inside him was so much depth. He fell into the darkest endless black.

He lost his confidence in knowing (believing to know) and crumbled. Fear shielded him from any outside care. He needed another source.

Then, he found kindness done by him, for himself.

The Voice

By now, this small ache in his chest had grown so much, it did not fit inside anymore, it had grown more and so big that it had fallen off him. He found a joyous feeling. A giggling inside said: ‘Yes!’

Some time later, when he was pondering on making a decision, he heard the voice again say: ‘Yes!’ And from then on, sometimes, there was another ‘Yes!’ but not all the time.

He liked the giggling Yeses. It was not always fun or easy to follow this voice, but certainly adventurous. Since there was no one else to ask for advice, he promised the voice to follow, no matter where it would lead.

Sometimes, it would throw in an unexpected Yes! to a spontaneous, most outrageous thought of his. Then it took all his courage to follow; he always did. Sometimes, the voice remained silent. Then he would discard an idea, and temptation had to be overcome.

The darkness inside him gradually filled up with experiences caused by listening to the voice. Often, he felt unexpected forms of success. He discovered enthusiasm to be a source of energy.

The Heart

From somewhere he heard: ‘The heart knows only one thing.’ It struck him as truth. It dawned on him that the ‘Yes’ voice is his heart. What to do when you find out, your most intimate friend is a long forgotten part of you?

Shocked, he moved away. He did not know how to behave, he felt very awkward and insecure. Guilt about something unknown began to grow out of nowhere.

He was worried that she would not forgive him. He blamed himself for having lost her. He had forgotten how to communicate with her. She was too timid to step forward. As a result, both lost.

§

Over time, he learned: ‘There is no one to blame.’ ‘All we can ever have are good intentions.’ ‘We can never predict an outcome.’ Eventually and unexpected, he heard her whisper: ‘Yes’. Encouraged he continued his thought: ‘… and if there is no blame, there is nothing to forgive.’ She smiled and said: ‘Yes’, again.

Good years followed, with building trust in the rightness of it all. She was close and in her way and at her time said: ‘Yes!’

Reunited

Three months ago, he moved closer to her. It was beautiful. Being close, he asked her and waited for her ‘Yes’ She answered: ‘I live.’ This threw him completely.

Since then, when caring was his need, she would call out: I live! Through and through, he feels showered with…