Tuesday, July 30, 2019

Title: ThreesomeYear: 1994Starring: Lara Flynn Boyle, Josh Charles, Stephen Baldwin Director: Andrew FlemmingSynopsis: A girl named Alex is by mistake housed with 2 guys, Stuart and Eddy, in a college dorm suite. After initial problems they become friends. Stuart has the hots for Alex, Alex for Eddy and Eddy for Stuart. Can it work? - Via IMDBWhy it is Notable: I tried to watch this film through squiggly lines. Yes, really.

"I just don't understand why anyone would do a lesbian version of Oedipus Rex."

In the time before The Internet, sneaking a peek at naughty stuff was a rite of passage for young boys and girls. I've only heard legends of finding a mythical nudie magazine in the woods. One time, my neighbour found a stash of Playboy magazines and we giggled at the naked girls on display. We were both girls. I usually got by on nature shows, but once I found a knock-off Heavy Metal comic book abandoned in the hallways of my school. It had boobs so it was good enough for me. And, of course, who hasn't squinted and tilted their head at the scrambled channels in hopes of some clarity, just for a second.

That is how I first watched Threesome. Threesome is the movie behind which I cultivated the Lilith Likes to Watch aesthetic.

Now, I am an adult and I can watch whatever I want, squiggle free!

This movie is fine. I built it up in my mind as some transgressive, edgy film that walked the line between mainstream movie and filth. In truth, there's nothing especially out there in this film, except for the titular threesome, of course. The threesome last for less than a minute, I'm pretty sure. I don't feel like timing it.

The characters all work well off each other. They have good chemistry and come across as friends who care about one another. The dialogue is something that I would hate in other movies. It's all very snooty and pretentious, but they're in college, at the right age for it, and also the pretension breaks every now and again and they become regular people. They are occasionally encountered by people as precious as the Threesome think they are and see it for the ridiculousness it is, and they mock it. The lack of self-awareness works. They're young. They're smart but dumb.

The performances were good, I laughed a few times, it was an enjoyable little bit of '90s era edge.

Over all, it felt like a more naked version of a Kevin Smith film. If this movie was made today, I think it would receive a lot of sneering. I think the character of Alex, who keeps insisting Eddy isn't gay, would go down like a lead balloon. One does not push one's sexual ideals and identity onto another person. We didn't really feel that way in the '90s. We know better now.

I give it a 3 because anything else just seems wrong. This movie is begging for a 3 and I will oblige.

Sunday, July 21, 2019

Title: The Loin King AKA The Lion King XXXYear: 2019Starring: Will Tile, Kira Noir, Leya Falcon, Daisy Ducati,Director: Lee Roy MyersSynopsis: Sinba and Na-Na are ready to mate, but his evil uncle Screw sends his daddy to his death via a Wildebreast stampede. Now with the help of his two friends, Tibone and Poonbaa, will Sinba get back to feeling the love tonight? Find out in The Loin King. - Via YoutubeWhy it is Notable: One of those rare musical pornos and it's a parody of a 25 year old family movie.

"Rowr."

We all know why we're here. Let's not even pretend like we're not. We're all here to watch evil uncle "Screw" fuck "Na-Na".

Spoilers, he doesn't. In fact, the Scar surrogate doesn't get any lines. He stand there, wrings his hands evilly, then is never seen again. That is such a wasted opportunity.

Well, what about the fact that, technically, Sinba and Na-Na are half siblings? Because that's how lions do?

Nope. None of that is mentioned either.

Now that's out of the way, what about the rest of the film?

Well, it's a really weird viewing experience. It has an Elton John parody character singing a Circle of Life parody, where all the animals gather to watch their prince fuck. Screw has the king killed in 3 seconds and really terrible green-screen, then Tibone and Poonba invite Sinba to jizz on their tits. Then Na-Na finds him and they fuck for 25 minutes.

So, how many characters fuck in this porno?

Two. Sinba and Na-Na. Sinba never cums all over Tibone and Poonba, despite repeated invitations to do so. Screw never seduces or coercers Na-Na, or anyone else to fuck. No one offers to make Sinba feel better with their pussy to help him get over his mourning. Everything felt "I dunno, good enough I guess."

Obviously the costumes are pathetic, which, fine, we're laughing with them, not at them. There are cursory bones thrown out to furries in this, acknowledging that the furry crowd should and would love this, but really, no self-respecting furry would enjoy these bargain bin costumes.

And, they'd all be wankin' it to Uncle Screw anyway.

The songs are pretty creative, but everything is dubbed and it's really weird. They gave Sinba a young voice that doesn't match his age or his speaking voice. It's unsettling.

But it's not all bad. Na-Na and Sinba have pretty good chemistry. Na-Na is all smiles and giggles and seems to be really enjoying herself. There's a lot of gagging when she deep throats, which isn't my sort of thing but she's enthusiastic, moving from one position to the next, and moaning praise and encouragements to her partner. Also, there was no anal, which I really appreciated.

Tibone is very cute, with bright eyes and a big smile. Sinba should have cum on her ta-tas. She was asking for it.

Finally, there's one joke that made me lose my shit. There's a character named Jeff the Bush Snake. It's Na-Na's ex, he is a snake. The costume is a man in a black t-shirt that says "Look at Me, I'm a Snake".

I love it.

All in all, what I liked, I really liked, but there's way too much missed opportunity.

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Title: Q AKA DesireYear: 2011Starring: Déborah Révy, Hélène Zimmer, Gowan DidiDirector: Laurent BouhnikSynopsis: In a social context deteriorated by a countrywide economic crisis, the life of several people will be turned upside down after they meet Cecile, a character who symbolizes desire. - Via IMDBWhy it is Notable: Its one of the few mainstream films with unsimulated sex, and was one of the first French language erotic films I had seen.

"I don't feel anything."

I first watched this film years ago, and save for one really exceptional scene, I remember it just sort of existing. So, I decided to revisit it.

Q aka Desire is about a group of people who live in town that's seeing a good helping of poverty. Our cast of characters include Matt, a mechanic with a frigid girlfriend named Alice. Chance, a petty car thief, and of course, Cecile, a sad little nympho who fucks whoever she wants in an attempt to escape her own grief over the passing of her father.

Everyone in this film is annoying. They all like to toy with one another. Alice is mousy and unlikable. She comes across as pathetic. She's used by Matt, then used by Cecile and barely seems like a character at all. Chance is brash and just wanders around and has better chemistry with his stoner friend. Matt is simply an asshole.

This movie has a slow build up that makes it feel like it is going to end in a killing spree or someone's death. So, in a way I guess that's a good thing as it lends a sense of tension to the film.

There's one scene where Cecile and Chance are fucking, and she demands it harder, and that he hit her. Finally she breaks down and admits she doesn't feel anything. It's a small moment of vulnerability for her and it works. It shows why she does what she does. Unfortunately for me, it's not enough to endear me to either Cecile nor Chance.

Near the middle of the film, Cecile meets a married man. She gives him her panties. The man goes home with his wife and mentions Cecile. He tries to initiate sex but she says she's not ready. She suffered some undefined tragedy and from the way her husband touches her I think it was a miscarriage. The couple begin fantasizing about using Cecile as he caresses his wife intimately. She climaxes, then cries.

This scene was what stuck out to me when I first saw the film. This scene is one of the best erotic scenes I had ever watched. This scene carries the movie for me.

Cecile and the married man meet on screen once more and actually fuck. His wife finds Cecile and they have a conversation. She says her husband talks about Cecile and Cecile says the same about her. Only, there's no scene of that. There needs to be a second meet up with the husband, showing that they actually talk and not just fuck. It would provide some growth to Cecile and clarify some plot points.

Cecile manipulates Alice into helping her get the husband and wife back together, then Cecile helps Alice fuck Matt. Then, randomly, Cecile is hosting a brothel but Chance pulls her out of the place and Cecile releases her father's ashes.

It is utterly amazing how one scene can elevate a movie. If not for that scene with the husband and wife fantasizing together, this movie would easily be a 2, but that scene stuck with me for years, extremely clearly in my mind. It remained one of my favourite scenes of film erotica to this day.

"Exotica is here to entertain, to offer amusement, not to heal. There are other places for that."

I'm putting a moratorium on the term "Erotic Thriller" until further notice. Basic Instinct, this is not. I'm not even a fan of Basic Instinct but at least that movie had an actual erotic scene with genuine tension.

So apparently this movie received mounds of accolades back in the day. It even won some AVNs.

Why?

There's nothing here. Francis suffered a tragic loss and is obsessed with 18 year old Christina, a dancer at the night club Exotica. Elias Koteas is also obsessed with Christina. I do not know why. Christina does the worst, least-sexy strip teas ever to Leonard Cohen's "Everybody Knows" because my country has Canadian Content laws.

Everyone is one note, wooden, or talks older than their age. Nothing is sexy.

Nothing is pretty. Nothing is visually interesting even in a sleezy, neon way. It all looks cheap, but not in a dirty way, in a "Shit we spent all our money on craft services. How are we going to dress the set?" sort of way.

The plot is chopped up just for the sake of seeming mysterious, but instead it just makes the plot seem all over the place. It's like an extremely boring episode of Twin Peaks. The ending is a go-nowhere dead end.

For fuck's sake, it made me want to rewatch Dancing at the Blue Iguana and Flashdance. Both of these movies have way more going for them.

The only reason to even watch this movie is for Elias Koteas, but even he isn't enough to keep things interesting.

Canada, we can do better than this.

LILITH'S SCORE: 1.5/5

Title: Spirit of Seventy-SexYear: 1976Starring: Annette Haven, John HolmsDirector: Stu SegallSynopsis: it is a tongue-in-cheek look at the sex lives of the Founding Fathers, including George Washington, Benjamin Franklin and Captain John Smith. - Via WikipediaWhy it is Notable: Released during the Golden Age of Porn on America's Bicentential.

"Oh my, such a pretty beaver, I think we'll make that of Oregon some day."

I'm Canadian. I expect a lot of this movie went over my head.

This is a period piece taking place just after the American Revolution. Annette Haven is stunning, as always, as Martha Washington. She feeds chickens and then has some outdoor sex with George Washington.

Then we cut to two other people who have sex in a cabin.

Then Benjamin Franklin introduces his new invention, The Vibrating Dildo, to a woman.

Then John Smith fucks a black chick in a scene were you can tell it's straining itself not to be problematic.

Then sisters fuck in a barn, then one sister fucks 3 guys at once, then John and Martha fuck again.

I don't know what to say. Not only did a lot of jokes and references likely pass me by, but...yep, that was sex, all right.

It was pretty good sex, with a lot of focus on oral, and a fun lesbian scene. But, with the exception of the foursome, there was nothing especially creative. Then again, the film only ran 65 minutes long so it's not like it dragged on. It got it's point across, had some wit in the dialog, then moved along.

Still, all I really wanted was Martha Washington just going around fucking everybody. Annette Haven almost always steals any movie she's in. I would have been satisfied if it was just her fucking the day away.

Anyway, happy birthday, Canada and America. Try not to blow up or burn away, okay?

LILITH'S SCORE: 2/5

NEXT TIME: We're moving to a fortnightly schedule, meaning there will be a review every second Tuesday now. Next time, we delve into French erotica with the film Q aka Desire.

About Lilith K. Duat

Lilith K. Duat has been watching porn for as long as the nature shows have broadcast lions mating, scrambled images could be deciphered, and Girls Gone Wild was an infomercial order. She'd sneak late night, near-muted HBO viewing sessions, channel changer in a death-grip, one ear perked to the sounds of the house.

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