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Monday, July 21, 2014

The times they are a changin'.....

Last night I went to see the movie “Mom’s Night Out”…I wasn’t expecting much but I figured a couple of laughs would be a good thing. I didn’t expect to be laughing and crying during the whole movie! It really made me think!

One line that hit me most was when she said “All I ever wanted was to be a mom and a wife and I’m living my dream but I’m not happy” See, that’s the thing—-that’s ALL I ever wanted and I was happy doing it when my kids were little (not the wife part but hey can’t have everything). Yes I had days where I wanted to hide but for the most part that was exactly what I wanted. I thrived in that environment, being a mommy and a caregiver—then those little buggers grew up. And I had to face the fact that although my future plans included the four of us (me and my 3 kids) their futures awaited and only included me as a supporting role. Crap. Now what the hell do I do with my life?

I am proactive. I’m a planner. So, I planned. I realized my marriage was NOT what I wanted forever and the thought of being with my ex husband after my kids were grown threw me into a panic that I knew wasn’t going to work So, I got divorced. That was not part of the plan. Never in my thoughts did being divorced seem ok. Being 2 years divorced I am happier than I have been in a looooonnnnnng time. But every once in a while I look around and think wow it would be nice to share this with someone. I have never been alone in my life, I’ve always had a man by my side—-this is a necessary time for me to grow, I get it. Just a new kinda normal.

I moved to Arizona almost 10 years ago and never looked back. I love it here. I always felt such a comfort and peace here. I came home from vacation in Florida last week and realized——I’m not sure I want to live here forever. That shook me to my core—what is HAPPENING to me? I thought, well I’m here for 2 more years until my son graduates high school and then who knows? I always wanted my kids to have a childhood home that they would return to—-that got lost many years ago—but that’s okay. It’s just a new kinda normal.

2 years ago my oldest son went away to college. I cried for 6 months leading up to that moment—-how was I going to stand not seeing his face every day? Not hearing his voice, not hugging him? I was a shell of my former self, I would break down in tears at the drop of a hat! I came home from dropping him at college and cried in his pillow. Now? It’s normal for me to know that he will not be living with me permanently ever again and guess what? I’m ok with that….I’ve adjusted. It’s a new kinda normal.

My middle guy is going to get his license in 2 weeks—-he will not need me to chauffeur him around anymore and before I know it HE will be leaving for college. I still get that shaky feeling in my heart and a lump in my throat thinking about it—-he is my buddy and I doubt his college will be 3 hrs away driving…but it will be okay. It’s just a new kinda normal.

I don’t make family dinners every night anymore. It just seems pointless sometimes, there is always someone gone or somewhere we have to be. I worry about my daughter and how that will affect her. She’s happy as a lark—-it’s just a new kinda normal.

I think the hardest thing for me to accept and deal with is that it’s not at all what I planned, or how I envisioned my life ummm EVER. But it’s all okay. I will be okay. They will be okay. Change is hard, but staying stuck in a place of unhappiness is way harder. So I will embrace the changes, roll with the punches and wake up every morning and smile at the new me I see and realize——-