Meet Caress. Caress (real name: Karen) sells homemade dog biscuits and runs a dress-making shop out of her garage. Caress is devoted to bringing beauty and class to her section of the sub-development and she feels that one must walk the walk as well as talk the talk, which is why you will always see Caress dressed to the nines, which she frequently defines as “visible bra with skirt made from old prom dress.” In fact, her entire “line” could be defined as “shit made from old prom dresses,” but they wouldn’t let her hang a sign on her garage saying that. Caress thinks those bitches don’t know shit about shit.

Makeup is always a secondary concern for Caress because she feels that one’s clothes should make the statement and because she no longer gets free samples from her cousin who used to work for Mary Kay. Caress’ hobbies include cutting her own hair and tending to her collection of gigantic shoes she bought from frequenting drag queen estate sales.

Agreed. Also, when I first saw the pic, I dubbed her “Tammy”. She looks like the thousands of Tammys we have running around in the Ohio/Indiana area.

Pinup Ghoul

Publicly bitches about Lifetime, but secretly has seen every Lifetime Original Movie. She hides her cache of LOM DVDs the same way teenage boys hide their porn.

vmcdanie

Publicly professes to be prefer Vittorio De Sica over Fellini (what a travesty he won the Palme D’Or) but secretly wishes they’d make a sequel to Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?

Well, who doesn’t wish for that?

joything

Oh, girlfriend. You are in my hometown.

xmixiex

that was my exact intended comment. i have never ever seen the appeal in the way this girl dresses. maybe it’s all a big joke.

BigShamu

Uh…….OH!

Renee Bender

Oh, TLo! You have made my morning. Caress needs to leave the RC, head back to her trailer to make a fresh batch of dog biscuits, and give our eyes a chance to recover.

Nelliebelle1197

I want an Alter- Chloe post EVERY WEEK.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=27432316 Ally Monge

Me too, me too!!!

LongTall_Sally

Ha! The alter-ego named Caress is pretty much the only logical explanation for that travesty.

JaneDC

That is a tricky look to pull off, and she didn’t even come close. Words fail me. I’m glad they don’t fail you guys.

RebeccaKW

It’s like Molly Ringwald’s character from Pretty in Pink grew up. Still making ugly shit from old prom dresses.

TheOriginalLulu

Don’t forget, some people actually consider her a “style icon”. HA!

http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

Oh my god, don’t get me started.

Oops, too late. What drives me crazy about The Sev (as the Fug Girls call her) is that she’s just so unattractive. I’m not talking about her actual physical appearance. It’s just that she goes out of her way to look terrible, and doesn’t have the charisma, charm, aura, whatever in hell it is one needs to pull off that kind of look. (My brother calls it the “I’m not ugly, I’m punk” look)

This is, I think, one of her less ridiculous get-ups. If dear Caress has at least sprayed some Sun-In on her hair, she might not look so bad.

TheOriginalLulu

Agreed. It’s like she goes through her closet every morning thinking, Let’s see how sloppy and mismatched I can make myself look today…

joything

Actually, I think she’s a rabid TLo fan and dresses to get them firing on all cylinders.

makeityourself

Yeah, I think she’s just playing with them now. Has to be.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=795138743 Melody McFarland

2.5 words: she’s gross.

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2CNDPMVO4W23R5TVC2QMTJ5BZE Heather

Totally disagree. Love her and her ‘well, why the hell not?’ attitude. We need a few people in the world like that! She’s also an incredibly talented actress.

J D

I really love Chloe, but this makes me sad. She looks like an extra from Breaking Bad.

sweetlilvoice

Yes, perhaps she’s the cousin of that one prostitute character (Wendy?).

vanjar

I was so busy looking at that top and skirt and comparing it to the model and back again, that it took me a while to notice the shoes. That is one fugly from head to toe outfit.

TheOriginalLulu

It’s horrible! It doesn’t even look good on the runway model, and that’s the version the designer wants to present to the world. It’s incredible the garbage these designers put out sometimes.

Alisa Rivera

I live near some homeless shelters and let’s just say she’d fit right in.

formerlyAnon

You have spun gold from straw in creating the introduction to “Caress” from this ensemble. Dreadfully unflattering skirt.

(really girls: if you’re showing more underwear (or breast) than the runway model, it’s a sign. A bad sign.)

GorgeousThings

Hey! What did home-based dressmakers do to deserve this?
Chloe looks like she’s doing the walk of shame after an all-night bender. At least she managed to take her disco makeup off before the paparazzi caught her.

TheOriginalLulu

God I love her. What would we do without her??
Okay, the outfit is just plain crazy, but I want to talk about the hair.

If there’s a girl who can rock this haircut, it’s her. The thing is, the notion that short hair is “wash-n-go” is a myth. I have had short hair many times before and it DOES require some styling in order to look cute. You can’t just roll out of bed like Chloe apparently did, otherwise you look insane.

http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

‘Tis true. Although I think perhaps she did do something to it, and we’re looking at the result.

TheOriginalLulu

Hm. Maybe she styled it with an eggbeater?

http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

Either that, or the Furminator another commenter suggested.

MilaXX

fug. hair looks cut with a weed wacker

Anathema_Device

…and styled with an egg beater.

Cousin_Rose

Looks almost as bad as Martina’s outfit on DWTS

3boysful

What was up with that? Not only tacky, but SOOO not flattering!

oohsparkley!

I think some of those DWTS “designers” really have it in for the “older” female contestants. I’ve seen some horrors.

amyfromnj

I thought the same thing. And it made them both look like they had a tummy, which I am sure neither has!

charlotte

Why does she look like she cut her own hair? Isn’t she…like…rich?
Well I guess style does not come with money.

http://profile.yahoo.com/J2VE4NE2FY2BP4QD2XOYKJGLPI Laura

LOL

lrhoff

Why is this person even “famous”? Does she just crash these parties for the heck of it?

http://twitter.com/Deac82 Mike M.

Recommended Viewing: Big Love, Kids, Boys Don’t Cry

Not Recommended: Brown Bunny

Catiline

I’d add Shattered Glass to the “Recommended” column, though Peter Sarsgaard is the heavy hitter in that movie acting-wise. (Makes an interesting double feature with Boys Don’t Cry, in which they also co-starred.)

http://profiles.google.com/sara.e.munoz Sara Munoz

Oh I looooooooooooooooooove him.

Catiline

Oh lord, I LOVE THE ‘GAARD. He’s one of the few reasons I didn’t entirely hate watching The Green Lantern.

CozyCat

GREAT movie! And while I agree that Sarsgaard is the best in it, Hayden Christensen is very good as well (the guy actually CAN act! I know–hard to believe.) CS is good in a smaller part.

Another good movie she was in: “The Last Days of Disco” (one of Whit Stillman’s films)

Catiline

It is an unexpectedly great little movie. Back when I had HBO many years ago, it came on frequently and I would get sucked into watching it every. single. time. “Oh, I’ll just watch until the scene where they go to Bethesda…” would invariably lead to me finishing the movie. All the performances are indeed strong.

The DVD commentary is interesting too because the real Chuck Lane participates, and it’s kind of funny to hear what details actually happened in real life. Apparently the movie used the actual amateur webpage Glass created for Jukt Micronics, which I find beyond hilarious. Like, the filmmakers couldn’t even invent something that would top the absurdity of what Glass actually tried to pass off as a corporate website.

sweetlilvoice

Her clothes were cray cray in Big Love too….perhaps that’s where she got her inspiration here?

http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

I think she gets her inspiration from the little voices in her head.

momogus

Also “Last Days of Disco”

jilly_d

you guys are forgetting her finest: American Psycho. “Jean, don’t wear that suit again.”

http://twitter.com/ILikeShiny Cindi Williams

Totally forgot she was in that one. I guess I was too busy parsing his Huey Lewis and the News speech.

Really, the wearer’s fault here is to fall for something so dreadful that was presented as high fashion. Bad Proenza Schouler!

BrooklynBomber

What’s really odd (or adding oddness to oddness) is that usually one sees the unwearable version (in this case the utter sheerness) on the runway, and the modified version for people to wear in real life. I’m wondering how this went from ugly but wearable in real like to ugly and completely sheer.

joancarol

“(real name: Karen)”
You make me pee.

fireontiger

Amazingly, she might be better off if she stuck to dressing like her character in Big Love. And that is really saying something.

coffeeandshoes

Well, this was apparently the ego boost I needed this morning (fuzzy allergy head is making me feel gross), because today I’m feeling like I look quite young for my age. I went to high school with Chloe (or Caress/Karen/all the others), and she was a few years ahead of me, but she looks about 20 years older than I do. Score one for the non-famous!

3boysful

If you guys published a book of all the character story lines you dream up, I would buy it in a heartbeat! xoxo

Judy_J

I’d like to know what planet she lives on.

TheOriginalLulu

I would say I’d like to take a walk through her mind, but I’d be afraid I wouldn’t find my way out.

http://twitter.com/Deac82 Mike M.

This is one of those rare instances where the runway look wasn’t sheer, yet its worn that way on the red carpet. Caress is a rebel!

Maine1ac

Pitch perfect. God bless Chloe and TLo for making the world a brighter place.

guestela

hahaha

Anathema_Device

Thank you for making my dreary morning bright, T Lo. You bitches nailed it as only you could.

But I think you forgot Caress’s talent for making mesh tops out of Pabst pop-tops.

http://joyouslifesf.wordpress.com Kiltdntiltd

Snorting out loud! Oh, my dear Anathema, I just had my first morning guffaw, thanks to you.

Call me Bee

Of course it has to be Pabst. Miller High Life is much too high-class for her…

http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

I second my beloved Kiltd. I laughed out loud.

clatie

The big question is how did Martina find the time to hop in her 80’s time machine and work in her DWTS rehearsals?

StillGary

LMAO! My heart skips when I see Chloe cuz I know it’s going to be delicious! Thank you TLo!

TheDivineMissAnn

“shit made from old prom dresses” you guys have me rolling on the floor laughing ’til I cry….

sagecreek

My god, from the neck up she looks like she is posing for a mug shot at about 2 am.

bitchybitchybitchy

A big thanks to Chloe for sharing her alters, as interpreted by TLo, with us!

altalinda

Here is your gold star.

http://joyouslifesf.wordpress.com Kiltdntiltd

Holy effing shite! What a complete train wreck. Chloe looks SO stoned, and the tousled hair and nearly invisible attempt at makeup sure does not help. That outfit should never have been conceived, let alone produced. It looks a right mess, even on that poor benighted model

Bwahahaha. You two are so fabulous and hilarious and I adore you both!

Little_Olive

Stacey and Clinton were not able to manage Caress. Caress marches to her own drum. Caress feels being a fashion icon is questioning the fundamentals of beauty. Caress is convinced one day she’ll be discovered a s a major designer and the guy from the basement next door, whom she shags with a hippie detachment, will be a rock star.

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_3KCDEX4FOTCFHZP6WLKSOOKUVM Danielle

Looking at these pictures makes me itchy.

mjude

you boys are the best. that was killer.

Christine Marie

Wait, are drag queen estate sales a real thing? If so, I want in

Call me Bee

Me, too. I may find shoes in my size!

aimee_parrott

Oh fuck no. I can’t even with this one, any more. She looks like she’s eating her own organic dog biscuits, and styling her hair with a Furminator.

Caress is serving up People of Walmart realness, and she is sickening with it. yes ma’am.

Kyle Crawford

The only real question here is just how drunk was she when getting dressed ?

Kyle Crawford

seriously, this is on par with the great Tina Fey at the Met Gala 2010 mishap as one of the worst looks EVER to leave the house…..

http://twitter.com/eddiecheddar Liz D

The same amount of drunk as the person who styled the runway look, methinks.

R. L.

Wow. I thought she was photoshopped from her junior high school photo (head). I have no idea where the rest of her body came from. Hideous.

Anastasia_B

Chloe Sevigny or Courtney Love?

Wendy Wetzel

Don’t forget that she was recently rejected for 24 Hour Catwalk, Fashion Star, and PR….. maybe they will feature her on Swamp People.

dress_up_doll

Caress/Karen/Chloe all need to know that they are all too old for this look.

MissMariRose

Before you slip it over …
Before you pull it up …
Before you slide it on …
Before you dress …
Caress.

PhillipWilde

At first I was going to say her new alter must be Courtney Love, but Caress is much more interesting.

http://theargiehome.blogspot.com/ Gus Casals

One thing for Caress: she seems to have great abs!

kimmeister

But her posture and the way the shirt is bunched up makes her looks like she has a paunch.

nancylee61

LOL!!! You guys are hysterical!! Except that I make homemade dog biscuits for my dog rescue and I would never wear this!!!

http://asskickingadviser.com/ Ass Kicking Adviser

Only Caress would have looked at that mess coming down the runway and said, ‘I wan that!’ oy. A bad idea from start to finish.

granddelusion

So wack!

Jessica O’Connell

Lol I wish she was around more so that we could hear more of these. They are HILARIOUS every time.

Susan Crawford

Caress – it has come to my attention that you are back in the neighborhood, and I want to celebrate. Love what you’ve done with the garage, especially the groovy black light and the lavalamps. And the dog biscuits are yum-o. They’re so good I may even get a dog.

I’m liking your new hairstyle, too, Caress! Isn’t it ah-mazing what one can do with manicure scissors? You can really get that angsty, choppy look down perfectly.

And I’m so stoked that you are rocking that unique style! Who would have dreamed a mesh curtain and two placemats could be combined in such an edgy-ironic way? Only YOU, Caress. Only YOU!

http://twitter.com/Nancer Nancer

You guys are the best! Love your description of Caress!

dickylarue

Caress is really into overcrowded hot yoga and loves to fart out loud in class and then look at everyone and sneer “What?”. Her flatulence is another layer of her many gifted forms of self expression. She also likes to exclusively date Momma’s Boys and make them smell her clunky shoes during sex. I know because I’ve dated Caress. She kept her cutlery in the refrigerator because it kept it cleaner than in the dirty dusty drawer.

sleah_in_norcal

perfect!

Call me Bee

Oh sweet Jesus on a breadstick. Honey–mom knows best. Go take a nap with cucumber slices on your eyes after you burn that outfit, shoes and all. Then come back and we can talk.

BrooklynBomber

Hilarious.

Honestly, that picture could illustrate an encyclopedia entry on “Fashion Victim.” WTF was she thinking? There’s absolutely nothing right about this look, nothing, from tip to toe.

She’s done me a big favor, though: the other day I forgot (yes, forgot; I was in a hurry) to put a cami under a sheer blouse I was wearing. In my defense, the blouse wasn’t as sheer as the one she’s wearing, AND I had a jacket over it. But having seen this picture, I know that’s a mistake I will never make again.

ballerinawithagun

I was grumpy but you’ve made me smile!
What has happened to Proenza Schouler???

serenitynow02

You guys leave me in awe sometimes.

nancymae

Caress made me smile! Thank you Uncle Tom and Uncle Lorenzo!!

kimmeister

How do her tiny ankles even support the weight of those gigantic, clunky shoes???

http://profiles.google.com/laura.jane.ogorman Laura O’Gorman

THESE ARE MY FAVOURITE POSTS. I hope Chloe Sevigny never changes so that your descriptions of her can go on forever.

http://twitter.com/cornekopia Shawn EH

She is so badass. I hope you two never have to tussle with her in person!

What is wrong with her? Seriously! She’s a very good actress, but this is just batshit insane!

Sara__B

I love you guys.

PeaceBang

*Rolling with laughter* This isn’t good. I have work to do. But God, the smirk on Carress’s face tells me that she approves every word of your delicious analysis. LOVE you guys!

http://phantomminuet.blogspot.com/ MinAgain

What does Proenza Schouler have against women? ‘Cause that outfit is ugly and unflattering.

Elaine Rodriguez

Looks like she cut her hair with the hedge clippers she uses for the bush outside her trailer.

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2P2ANLRZ6YAVGONA36I2AQJYGI VicD

Remember two years ago on Shear Genius when one of the challenges involved using weird cutting implements to do hair? And that one annoying girl used the hedge trimmers and won the challenge? Yeah, this is not that.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Mary-Stone/100001328135240 Mary Stone

The outfit: yeeeooowch

The critique: miiiaaaoooowwww *hiisssss*

oh dear, why is the top opaque on the model and seethrough on the celeb? ’tis a question for the ages….

briarmoss

“HAHAHA She looks poor” is pretty much the extent of what you wrote. And it’s really damn classist.

http://profiles.google.com/valencia.lucia87 Lucía Valencia

Oh geez, here we go. Honey, either go back and read the post 50 times until you get it or go buy yourself a sense of humor. Don’t make us read your moronic opinions until you’ve done one of those two things, mmkay? Thanks.

briarmoss

haha u mad?

http://www.tomandlorenzo.com/ Tom and Lorenzo

HAHAHAHA you sound pretty dumb.

marilyn

Don’t neglect to mention her signature closure on her prom-dress skirts: Masking tape. Just the perfect touch.

DebbieLovesShoes

Also? looks like Caress trims her hair with those tiny scissors intended for toenails.

And p.s. TLo – never leave me; never stop commenting. Your comments make me laugh SO MUCH! Needed that today!

Chloe had a solid run in the Fug Girls’ Fug Madness tournament before getting knocked out by Khloe Kardashian in the Sweet 16. There’s a good reason for that, and this outfit might have pushed her over the top had it been worn a week earlier.

Emily Scott

Oh, wow, you two are geniuses! I read your blog while I eat lunch each day and I was glad I didn’t have a mouthful of food when I saw this. Otherwise I would have had to clean off my computer screen. As it is I was having to stifle my laughter to keep my coworkers from asking what the hell I was doing.

VioletFem

It doesn’t even look good on the model. Seriously, who could actually wear this?

Shari Sherman

I think she’s channeling her inner LiLo…get out of bed, put on first thing you find crumpled up on the floor, then hit the RC!

alyce1213

The sad thing is — I don’t think they really throw on the first thing crumpled up on the floor, as it appears.
I think they actually try.
And fail.

NICHOLAS PASQUALE

Girlfriend looks like she just woke up after a crash from a 3 day coke binge wearing nothing but her underwear, stumbling through her screen door after being blinded by sunlight peering through her windows and getting caught in a vicious entanglement of overlap pool liner. And THEN she decided to crash the RC. Bless her.

JaneDC

You nailed it.

http://g00.me/7k << Work at home, $55/h, link

We do not know, in most cases, how far social
failure and success are due to heredity, and how far to environment. But
environment is the easier of the two to improve.

Tatiana Luján

She looks like Courtney Love going to buy drugs

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_NMLK23QK6C7NMLMVVYA5POXKJY WhiteMage

dare i say, these posts rival nina caps for tlo’s best entries

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=567835404 Patti Lever

Bloody hell, what fugliness.

poggi

I remember that top from the 1980s. It was right next to the acid-washed denim duster at Rave.

Warmheartedgirl Seattle

What.The.Hell??? This girl is not pretty, can’t act, can’t sing, has no discernable talent – and she’s famous why?? That outfit is fug. As is her hair.

sleah_in_norcal

wait now, i have to stick up for my girl chloe. i think she is a very good actress, she played my favorite wife on big love and her character was so complicated and well developed and yet so real, i think she is very talented. and also to me very attractive. on what do ytou base your opinion? and when have you ever heard her try to sing? i haven’t. this is all on top of her biggest contribution to my fantasy world, her providing these outfits for TLo to riff on.

Jecca2244

Yikes. and the model is only slightly working it better. I haven’t really loved PS’ collections in a while.

http://twitter.com/foodycatAlicia foodycatAlicia

T.Lo I could not love you more.

ErmengardeGreen

What is going on with the proportions here that super-svelte Chloe looks so much worse in this than the model? The styling of her headface aside.

Caaro3

You’re joking. Amirite, Caress?

AuntieAnonny

It has been far too long since you’ve done one of these, and the second I saw her face on the front page I actually squealed with joy.

You two should put a book together profiling the many alter egos of Chloe, I would buy that.

Jana33

In person she must radiate some different vibe than what come across on the page. Surely she’s clean, doesn’t smell, shaves her legs—all of which separates her from the homeless, etc. I think she just tries too hard, no one would think that those pieces look right together except someone who purposely cultivates her particular look.

alyce1213

This is a joke, right?
If not, just think — it’s only March and we have the worst of the year!

Ironic that’s it’s a Fashion Cares event. Caress could use some care.

CQAussie

Fug.

Judih1

some people will do anything for attention – including looking like a freakshow on the RC. Sad, Sad, Sad

TieDye64

Ah, yes. The Chloe posts! My personal favorites. Love these so much and the laughs are much appreciated. That second paragraph really got me.

sleah_in_norcal

my first thought on seeing the “snapshot” at the head of the post:”oh, it’s sharon needles out of drag.” seriously.

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2P2ANLRZ6YAVGONA36I2AQJYGI VicD

She looks like an art school student. That is not a compliment in this case.

sleah_in_norcal

and by the way, please oh please bring back dress libs! i always remember a dress lib on her with regret, since it was before i “came out” of my closet as a bitter kitten. they disappeared right after i started posting comments. i used to just read, and make up comments in my head. my dress libs were genius! (this is similar to the famous pr quote “my other dress was a dior”.)

Lisa

I’m stunned. I really, truly have never, ever seen her – or any other celeb on this site – look worse. I mean, TLo, kudos to you that you were even able to come up with a comical story for this latest persona of hers.

snich11

She looks stoned as hell. Also, I LOVE the commenters on here!

ri_dic

Proof positive that just because it has a big name attached to it- doesn’t mean it’s always good.

http://vhanna26.typepad.com Vera

Hot mess.

margaret meyers

Ima Methead, wearing her boyfriend’s mesh football jersey, a vinyl skirt she stapled together from the ripped-up back seat of a 67 Mustang, and shoes made electrician’s tape.

funkypeanut

Yes, Fashion Cares but Chleo Sevigny doesn’t. I would love for one of these random RC parties to turn out to be just an elaborate fashion intervention for her, hosted by DVF with a whip and a huge bottle of disinfectant.

Proenza Schouler, hang your head in shame!

Thathoodwink

She looks like an unmade bread.

Teri Brinson

I think her hair cut is cute. Actually, the cutest part of the photos. This outfit does horrid things to her proportions, it gives her the body of a little old lady with stick legs.

quiltrx

Another of Chloe’s fine RC performance art pieces. Well done on bringing it to life for us, gentlemen.

Sophie Collier

Good. God. It’s all terrible.

fashionablylate

I love this crazy bitch. If she ever showed up somewhere in a tastefully simple Armani gown, I think I would cry.

http://twitter.com/wonderdivaEtsy wonderdivaEtsy

Caress also wants to be Meg Ryan (circa “When Harry Met Sally,) based upon that haircut.

http://tigergray.blogspot.com/ Tiger Gray

That might just be the worst outfit I have ever seen on this site.

lojoso

What is wrong with this woman!?!?!

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_WKSM57KFWUGRMKPDUW4SPL3GDM Kathryn

Hilarious!

EEKstl

Note to self: Do not drink liquid of any kind while reading TLo. Mopping up wet paperwork with Kleenex will inevitably ensue.