A rare photo of Lance Armstrong that does not also include someone who now wants to sue him. Image: S. Savi/Getty Images North America.

Whether it will also prove functional in prison, where Mr Armstrong is likely to end up if he can’t pay back the millions of dollars he received for winning the Tour De France seven times, is not known at this time.

Don’t panic, peeps. You are not witnessing another alleged incident of ‘aggravated pimping‘ involving members of the French national team. It’s just Bafetimbi Gomis celebrating his winner for Lyon vs. Brest.

Only in football can the refusal to wear a t-shirt cause more of a furore than a fan running onto the pitch during a televised game and heroically smacking the unsuspecting opposition ‘keeper in the face.

Here’s our round-up of the European leagues, with a generous side of scorn and a hot, lemon scented towel.

A tough enough target at the best of times, we fancy, but his decision to reveal his sexuality can only have heaped more pressure on his career as he now carries the hopes and dreams of gay athletes everywhere. Failure is not an option.

We’re all waiting with bated breath for you to sign a contract with a European club, which will almost certainly (if reports are to be believed) be with Real Madrid or Barcelona. In the unlikely event that you do sign for an English club though, never, ever attempt to rainbow flick a defender as you did last night against Atlético Mineiro. The consequences of doing so in front of the likes of Vincent Kompany & Tony Hibbert cannot be explained fully in a family weblog, but you could try YouTubing ‘skinny, fleet of foot youth runs headlong into mincer’ if you would like a rough idea. Suffice to say, it won’t be pretty.

Don’t wear black panties under white shorts (0:43). We’d have thought that would have been obvious to a man with your sartorial record.