Why, I damned near froze last winter! I took their advice and the alcohol level of my blood fell so low that the blood prit near froze up in my veins and cracked the engine block! Danged good thing that I managed to get up to the Legion Hovel and get 'er fixed whilst it was still slush. Poor old Jerry had his freeze up solid after listening to the doctors. Of course, we followed his last instructions and shoved him in the ice house. We use him to chill the drinks for those who can wait that long, so now he's makin' his friends happy while bein' surrounded by that which he loved so much. And not only that, but we had him skinned and made into a sidesaddle like he also wanted, so that he could be the second and third favorite things in his life.

And how in the heck am I supposed to keep up the Minimum Daily Requirements of the four or five basic food groups if I give up salt, sugar, alcohol, grease (and chocolate)?

Doctors are thinking about their upcoming summer vacations when they will pile their families into station wagons and head for the campgrounds, pitch tents and cook spam for breakfast over wood fires with coffee grounds boiling in a tin can hanging by a wire. Yaz, and later they will teach their childrens to properly tie on a fish hook so it won't come off the line when the "Big One" latches onto the nitecrawler. And when the sun goes down and all is still, they will tell frightening stories, by the campfire while the owl goes ....HOOO...

I am about to go incommunicado** for about a week. I will be attending the graduation of the youngest nephew (you know, the one that is taller then anyone else in the family - the brat!) and trying to de-stress. Any rumours you may hear about me and the Georgia Renaissance Festival are probably just rumours. I've got my alibis all lined up.

Yes, I've had Dealings with the Bank of Scotland. Financial dealings. They are a large international bank and fully capable of dealing in yen, yuen, rubles, dollars of all sorts, ruppees, pounds, punts, marks, angels, groats, farthings, bullion, and even swapping pigs and wool. People who go incommunicado for a week or so are probably taken by Men In Black from the Bank of Scotland to a remote, desolate, secret location (possibly the Isle of Uffa) and reprogrammed into automatomistic capitalist consumers and wearers of kilts. Poor MMario! I knew him, Horation! A fellow of infinite jest...until he fell afoul of those Scots Bankers.....

He has holes in his pockets, so that he has something to play with. So no, he's hardly ever out of pocket.

But he has been secreted off by the MIBK (Men In Black Kilts) from the Bank of Scotland and I, for one, feel that we should really consider possibly doing something about it maybe. I can get the Eclectic Horse Troop* of the Idaho Legion to ride to his rescue, if they ever sober up enough to know a cinch from a hackamore or their backsides from holes in the ground. Probably take about a week or so, because as windy as it's been around here the MIBK won't be moving too fast for fear the wind will tilt their kilts and Expose Their All.

*Kinda like Custer's Gray Horse Troop, only this one consists of an appaloosa, a black, a pinto, two bays, a bucksin dun, a zebra dun, three mules, a Shetland pony, a Newfoundland dog, and a jenny. Getting correct saddles is kinda iffy.

I haven't posted here yet today. That is because my wife left me. She took her parents and left. Just like that yesterday. Off they went. Last night they were in Yellowstone NP and today they'll be in Grand Tetons NP.

I have access to materials from the city, the county, the state, the region, the nation, and the world. My access to materials transcends the Library of Congress or the British Library or the former Lenin Library or any of those combined. I can get information from growing peas to making fusion weapons or a hyperwarp star drive. I can find out information on anything or anyone at will. That is because I am trained in the Arcane Mysteries And Eldritch Secrets of Librarianship, and I am not afraid to use them to enhance your life...or destroy it so utterly that not even your dust's dust will be remembered.

Why, it's good old reliable Rapaire, Rapaire, Rapaire, Rapaire from Pocatello, If you're looking for information, he'll turn it on the spot, Even when the heat is on, for him it's never too hot. But for the good old reliable Rapaire, oh it's only just a short stroll, To the oldest established permanent floating info center in the World. There are well-heeled searchers everywhere, everywhere, There are well-heeled searchers everywhere, And awful lot of lettuce for the fella who can get us to play. If we only had a lousy little byte, we could be a millionaire. Oh the good old reliable Rapaire, Rapaire, Rapaire, Rapaire from Pocatello, If the size of your knowledge you want to increase, He'll arrange that you go nuts in quiet and peace, In a carrell provided by Rapaire, where there are no neighbors to howl, It's the oldest established permanent info center in the World. Where's the action? What's the game? Gotta have the game or we'll die from shame. It's the oldest established permanent floating info center in the World.

Usually, when I deign to post to the MOAB after a lengthy absence I will read what's been posted since my last visit in an attempt toward something resembling continuity. However, I have decided that continuity is mere illusion and that it makes just as much sense to simply imagine what has been said since my last visit. I'm almost certain it's more interesting than what may have actually been said. It also gives me a chance to address a few people individually and respond to what I imagine they've said in the last few days.

Rapaire: Bullwhips and handcuffs usually work quite well.

Amos: The Large Magellanic Cluster, for one.

Still River Sage: Hanes or Fruit of the Loom, though Hanes seems to have more durable elastic.

Bunn: Either Fig Newtons or Vaseline petroleum jelly.

Little Hawk: The one in the green skirt and spike heels.

Khandu: A 1934 Ford pickup truck with a load of watermelons.

Tweed: Oh! You mean that one? I wouldn't touch it with an eleven-foot pole!

Sorry, Bee Dub, I've tried those. They still were uncontrollable. I finally slugged 'em down with a two-liter Thorazine/Valium dart, and even THAT lasted only barely long enough to get the logging chains on and the lock locked. Got thing I had the kryponite handy, too!

And I say unto you, sinners, REPENT! For the judgement of the Lord is at hand, and He will seperate the sheep from the goats and cast the goats into the fires of Gehenna, but the sheep He will clasp unto His bosom. And I will clasp you unto my bosom, like the Lord clasps the sheep, if only you will repent of your evil ways! For the Lord loveth a cheerful giver, and I will give unto you, especially to the young women who are too easily led astray by glib talking city men. And you must give unto me, for it is in giving that we receive, and I cannot continue my mission, my stewardship, my ministry, to the young women without your help. Yea, verily, I cannot continue without the goods of this world, for it is written in The Good Book that "the workman is worthy of his hire" and you can show your repentance by furthering my work among Those In Danger of Falling. Humbrew Ministries is a nonprofit religious ministry, and all contributions are fully deductible from your Income Tax -- but this is the Lord's Work, and as it was said by Him, "Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's and to God that which is God's" and so you will not want to disobey His command and make any record of your contribution to my ministries. Be at peace, Brothers and Sisters, be at peace! Repent now and in doing so help others!

And I say unto you, Reverend Jimmy Ray Humbrew, seek ye the pastry that doth proceed in a rotational fashion! Yea, verily I call upon you to search out the donut that doth roll! And when thou hast found the rolling donut thou shouldest taketh a flying fuck at it!

Verily, to ye who preach from false pulpits, to ye who pander to false spirits, and to ye who pose as leaders of souls but lead not, nor wot knot of the Soule, unto ye do we of MOAB speake, saying,

"Ya got to find out Find out who Find out who you really really are. Ya got to find out Find out who You're being now or ya won't get far You can't run a lifetime As a taker and a scrounger, Ya can't build a life From a Barca - Lounger Ya got to find out How to be free If ya really want to preach to me, Yeah yeah yeah If you want to preach to me."

So sayeth we one, and sayeth we all unto ye. Foreswear thy hypocrisies and be washed clean as the religion-free childe is, new unto the day, and open unto the world and alle its mysteries.

She's out chasing the band truck from North Crowley High School. We saw it last night, like it was slow motion. . . well, it WAS slow motion, come to think about it, because the street was full of people and the truck was trying to back into the convention center loading dock and Gluon wanted the truck to go the other way. I think she finally accomplished that, but didn't see it because we were already down at Denny's ordering a late-night breakfast for my starving son (who didn't eat before heading down to the graduation).

It isn't Haines or FoTL--it's Jockey, near as I can tell when I do the laundry. He switched from briefs to boxers last year. I think it's because the hold up his pants better when he lets them slouch (even though he always has them neatly in place when I drop him off at school in the morning--amazing how that works!)

Actually, the Large Magellanic Cluster was tested and found wanting during the Third "Operation Candidate Sites Survey for System Headquarters (CSSSH). I think it was because we lost too many scout vessels in there, for reasons still not clear.

I dunno -- there are a couple of small rogue systems in there, one of which houses a planet named Tern which has been known in the past to be disruptive to Cosmic Order, so that night have something to do with it. Buncha treehuggers.

We are Danny Boy, the new uberfred. We have within us the genetic knowledge of all freds. We come to you in peace, to bring the New Cosmic Order. We call it the Greater Cosmic Co-Prosperity Sphere. The NCO will bring you prosperity and peace. Join or like the former planet Tern (mentioned earlier) you will be blifferated.

Tern is the planet that completely outfoxed Mickey Mouse and the Empire of Disneyites, back in the days of the Mudcat Enterprise. The notion that a bunch of pseudopodal pinko wet-heads like freds could outdo the Elders of Tern is ... well, it's... it's to LAUGH!!! HAHAHAHAHA!

Is the love of a cigarette to be compared with the love of an old long life lover?I dunno-But let me take a crack at it::;A cigarette will fuck with my lungs, a life long lover will just fuck with me.A cigarette will feel good in my fingers, a life long lover makes my fingers feel::something um:: pulsating?A cigarette makes me cough,, a life long lover wants me to gag:::(try a dick a day, makes the gags go away) ((Stop-That was not meant to be read by anyone that thinks it's an apple-stop)) A cigarette makes me feel like I have had an experience with the goddess of fireA life long lover makes me wish I had an experience with the goddess of fire.I am done:: I am not sorry:: I have had it up to my cigarette with any life long habit.

My fingers stop at the keys, oh hell they do that last post was written by me:::S.- the Rustical Rebelish of the Northern plains and fields of the Upper Hemisphere toward the greater lakes of the floating planet known as Earth.

Your language and alphabet is odd. We will Correct that for you. We meant the planet "Dern" of course. Your pronunciation is also odd, and that too will be Corrected. Dern used to lie in the Greater Magellanic Cloud. That too will be Corrected.

Well, freds, any group that thinks it is all right to go around blifferating planets has got to be nutso in my book -- especially if you are doing it to imitate 1940's era Imperialist Japanese rhetoric of the most superifical sort.

That's the sort of things only criminals do, here. Even if we sometimes elect them.

Hot long day here, at the end of a long hot week. So glad for three days to kick back with a beer and a good movie or two go dig up the flower beds that have been crying out for attention all spring. [sigh] Freds'll have to come back another day. No time for language lessons.

Mom's gonna get tired of hearing about my walking dogs, but we've been out for yet another walk as the earth turns and the light comes and goes. . . everyone else must have enough money to go out and do something away from home for this long weekend. Me, I'm digging up my front flower beds. I'm going to seed in some sunflowers and zinnias in those beds next to the limestone on the front of my house. Mom, you'll sigh with pleasure when you see these flowers out there later this summer. (It has to be later because I'm too cheap to go buy bedding plants and seeds seem to do better in the long run anyway).