Devastated. Advice please is bf cheating? (long)

I just discovered my boyfriend has been cruising the craigslist Casual encounters website & checked his outgoing emails to see if he had made contact with anyone (he hadn't) but found he had an account on this website called fling that is basically a sex hookup site. The email in his inbox said a member was trying to contact him but couldn't but he'd opened the email & there was a half naked photo of a woman's body. This baby was an unplanned shock/surprise as I had extensive fertility tx with my ex to have my 10 year old son, had an undiagnosed ectopic pregnancy and only have one fallopian tube, am 35 and was on the pill and after divorcing my ex of 15 years a year ago, my current boyfriend of 9 months is only the second partner I've ever had. I knew he dated a lot of women before me & he is twice divorced, 2 kids to 2 ex wives. He has always told me he loves me & wants a life together even before I got pregnant. Is he just trolling these websites because there are lots of naked or explicit photos or should I be really scared? An extensive search of the fling website could not produce an active profile, at least not one with a photo or username I could recognise as his. He keeps his phone close on him, our sex life used to be great but the past few weeks he hasn't been able to be completely satisfied because he's worried when I tense my stomach muscles/arch my back I'll hurt the baby so has needed manual stimulation to finish. Now I'm paranoid the real reason is because he's guilty. He seems so happy about the baby & starting our lives as a family & is so wonderful with my son but my ex cheated on me and I was blindsided and hurt beyond belief and can't let this happen again. Am I freaking out because of my past & pregnancy hormones or do I have a valid reason to plan to keep sneaking his phone in the quick chances I get (its pretty hard to get it - if I get desperate to know I'll just lock myself in the bathroom & take my time gathering evidence even though he'll be pissed off & know what I'm doing but I'm trying the slow & steady discreet method first, it is so hard to be fake to him when I'm crumbling inside.

Comments (68)

You should know that sometimes those websites send those kind of emails out just to attract more attention. Sorry, your dealing with this though. You should just speak to him directly about it. Asking people on here will probably just worry you more

Butterfly, The thing is once you suspect cheating. The idea of the person being someone who will lie to you is already on the table. So if you already think he may be lying. What on earth makes you think that by " talking to him like an adult" he is not going to just lie more. Setting up traps like this for no reason would be childish. But once you have evidence, its just practical to test your theory.

Honestly, I have worked in a male dominated field for 10 years. I have watched I would say 90% of the men I work with lie to their wives. Sometimes about small things like going to nude bars. Sometimes about large things like having one night stands with strangers. It's a fact of life that people lie when they want something that they are not supposed to have. No reason to walk around life blind to it. It's very easy to just sit back and say " not me, not my bf/dh". You should have trust, until you shouldn't. The OP shouldn't after finding the website evidence.

I think you should just flat out ask him. Tell him what you found, your concern and get it out in the open. Making fake profiles and ads makes you just as shady as any cheater. If you're in a relationship, there has to be total trust both ways.

I was in a relationship years ago with someone who had been cheated on, and I got accused of it at everyturn. I have never once cheated on him or anyone else, he just projected his insecurities on me. It was to the point that if I so much as spoke to a male friend at a party, it would be a major fight once we got home. Yes, you should trust your gut, but unless you have solid proof or have a real adult conversation then you may be projectingyour insecurities on him.

If you can't believe the person you are in a committed adult relationship with - then you shouldn't be in a relationship with them. Plain and Simple.

Why would you want to be with someone you can't trust, talk to or believe?

Playing games is dishonest, childish and no way to conduct yourself, especially when you are trying to get honesty and respect in return. These are adults and families and relationships, not TV shows or games.

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If I call you sweetie, I mean that I think you are completely naive and ignorant. Consider it a pat on the head as I completely disregard what you say

Well I assume OP would be with him because she is having his baby? The point is she should not be with him if he is cheating. But if he is not she prob doesn't want to break up her relationship over a bad feeling or incomplete evidence.

If he is cheating why would he admit it because he is asked a question? If he was the type of person who would admit to cheating because he was asked about it, he prob would not be the type of guy to cheat.

So you think that every time a pregnant woman thinks her BF/DH might be cheating she should break it off and be a single mom? Because if thats the case, we are going to have A LOT of single moms in this world.

My gut says he is probably cheating. But I could be wrong since I don't know the full story. I think there is a difference between visiting a porn site and visiting a hook up site, the hook up site is too real to me. Porn feeds the fantasy. I know everyone will have their own opinion on that. Anyway, I don't think you're invading his privacy, I think you're looking out for yourself. I'd check to see all the internet history to see what sites he's been visiting. And I'd do a little more snooping/researching before you confront him. Oh, and when you do, he'll probably lie to you.

You need to know that those sites if we ever gave his email pretty much never stops sending stuff. Especially stuff like someone is trying to contact you because people are curious by nature. Half the time its fake and just a ploy to get you to get back on there site. Searching the classifieds is a little weird. But then again I have done it just for a laugh sometimes. People post some pretty weird things there. I think you need to stop invading his privacy though. It may be a little weird that he won't let you look at your phone but maybe he also just wants you to trust him and give him some privacy. Especially as he told you why he was hiding it. He probably new that if you saw the porn email that you would get suspicious like you are. I personally get porn emails all the time and stuff from old dating sites just like you mentioned it doesn't mean I am cheating it just means they won't delete my freaking email and thats why I have multiple emails as I created a new one after my old one got spammed with crud. I think with your hormones it makes you more paranoid. I know even I have gotten paranoid at times about my husband being unfaithful and he doesn't even do anything suspicious I have just been hurt in the past so I assume it will happen again. I just take prespective and remember if he was cheating he probably wouldn't be home with me.

Sagepool - Let me answer you bluntly - he might lie, he might not but chances are if he does, you will know.

Let me explain this in words that you may understand....

If I found activity on a hook up site from my husband and felt I wouldn't get an honest answer out of him if I asked him - I wouldn't be with him. I deserve a better life than that and so do my children and I certainly wouldn't play games and playact and try to 'trap' him into something - what kind of F-ed up way of life is that???

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If I call you sweetie, I mean that I think you are completely naive and ignorant. Consider it a pat on the head as I completely disregard what you say

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