Sophie Campbell sleeps in a king’s bed and enjoys medieval games as Warwick
Castle, a royal stronghold, opens its doors for family fun

They were firing the trebuchet as I arrived. A team of churls ran around in a wheel like hamsters, spring-loading the mighty timber arm of the siege catapult, then doyng! A blazing concrete ball flew in an arc, landing about 300 yards away in the middle of Capability Brown’s elegant landscaping.

There is never a dull moment at Warwick Castle, which celebrates its 1,100th birthday this year. In 1978, the Midlands stronghold, once home to Nevilles and Grevilles, de Beauchamps and de Beaumonts, took a swerve through history when the earls of Warwick sold it to Madame Tussauds. It was bought by Merlin Entertainments, which has spent about £6 million over 10 years turning the castle into the nearest thing you can get to a theme park without any rides.

It’s family fun all the way. So the last thing anyone expected Merlin to do was enter the world of luxury b&bs by converting part of the 14th-century Caesar Tower into two high-end, medieval-themed suites.

I’m sitting in one now. It has sandstone walls and a vaulted ceiling. There are dark wood panels to shoulder height, English oak planks on the floor, oak furniture beautifully carved in the Jacobean style – all foliage and sturdy, staring figures – damask-style curtains in sober red and gold, and an oak four-poster with crenellations and finials.

The old garderobe (Norman French for lavatory) is still there, updated with 21st-century fittings. The anteroom opposite has been turned into a shower. I can hear the millrace 120ft below and every so often a bell chimes wistfully outside the leaded casement. Despite walls that are three feet thick there is Wi-Fi. A vast Samsung television rises out of an oaken chest at the foot of the bed like a ghost in a revenge tragedy.

It’s good quality, discreetly done, no more cod-medieval than the Victorian part of the castle just across the courtyard, not naff at all. With your suite comes privilege: you have the place to yourself when everyone else has gone home, including walks around Capability Brown’s grounds and a wonderful private tour, seeing bits others don’t see.

I have climbed towers and handled Tudor armour (wearing cotton gloves), seen chambers off limits to the public and read graffiti scratched by prisoners in rooms untouched for centuries, bar their use as dressing rooms for modern knights and jesters. I’ve scaled the leads to see the rooftop cinema wall, where the Thirties earl who was a Hollywood actor entertained Errol Flynn, Grace Kelly and Cary Grant.

I can’t recommend it more highly, should you have a spare £600 per night. Yes, you did read that right: I keep having to reread it myself. It seems an astonishing sum. However, the price is for two and does include champagne, fresh flowers and fruit, a 24-hour concierge service, two days’ unlimited access to the castle with all-day dining and parking (worth about £130, I reckon), and posh breakfast brought to your room up 55 steps by the delightful, and now presumably super-fit, staff.

But £600? Would anyone with that sort of money want to dive into such daytime jollities as the Smashing Saxons, the Labyrinth of Lost Souls and the annual jousts, especially without children in tow?

I suppose Merlin would say: “What price staying in a room once occupied by King Edward IV?” (as mine was when he fell out with Warwick the Kingmaker). Which is entirely true. We just disagree on the amount.

Ooh, I can hear a bell jangling down in the dungeon, which means American pancakes with blueberries and bacon are on their way up, and any minute now the portcullis will open to let the peasants in.

Must go. Noblesse oblige. You know how it is.

PS: I think four Elemis miniatures in the bathroom are a bit stingy for £600.