Bad Eating Habits
A mother complained to her consultant about her
daughter’s strange eating habits.
–“All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and
car wax. What will happen to her?”
–“Eventually,” said the consultant, “she will rise
and shine.”

Cosmetic SurgeryA sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says:
“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can
give you melons.”

Healthy Living TipsQuestion: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Answer: Only if you aim it well enough.

What’s The Best Type Of Doctor?The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He
can’t ask his patients what is the matter – he’s got
to just know.
– Will Rogers

What a SpectacleQ: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into
his lens grinding machine?
A: He made a spectacle of himself

Proctology:
A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and
had settled into a very comfortable life with his
future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his
REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former
physician received the results of his first test
back with a score of 200%. Confused, he asked the
teacher why his score was so high.

“Well”, said the teacher, “The first part was
taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly,
so you got 50%. The second was to put it back
together again and you did it perfectly and got
another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through
the tailpipe.”

Funny One-LinersThis is a collection of funny one-liners, exactly as
typed by medical secretaries:
• Patient has left her white blood cells at another
hospital.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left
side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better and on the
third day it disappeared.
• The patient has been depressed since she began
seeing me in 1993.
• Discharge status: Alive, but without my
permission.
• Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.
• While in ER, Eva was examined, X-rated and sent
home.
• Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
• Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health
until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
• Mrs. Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her
legs went in separate directions in early December.
• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who
felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
• The patient refused autopsy.
• The patient has no previous history of suicides.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most
of her life until she got a divorce.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.
• Examination of genitalia has revealed that he is
circus-sized.
• Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
• She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her
husband states she was hot in bed last night.

Medical Puns
• Artery: The study of fine paintings
• Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria
• Barium: What doctors do when patients die
• Catscan: Searching for kitty
• Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
• Coma: A punctuation mark.
• D&C: Where Washington is
• Enema: Not a friend
• ER: The things on your head that you hear with
• Fester: Quicker than someone else
• Genes: Blue denim slacks
• G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball
• Hemorrhoid: A male from outer space
• Impotent: Distinguished, well-known
• Medical Staff: A doctor’s cane
• Morbid: A higher offer than I bid
• Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
• Organ Transplant: What you do to your piano when
you move
• Outpatient: A person who has fainted
• Pap smear: Making fun of Dad
• Pathological: A reasonable way to go
• Pharmacist: Person who makes a living dealing in
agriculture
• Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis
• Post-Operative: A letter carrier
• Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery
• Rectum: Almost killed him
• Red Blood Count: Dracula
• Secretion: Hiding something
• Seizure: Roman Emperor
• Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
• Thorax: A Dr. Seuss character
• Triple Bypass: Better than a quarterback sneak
• Tumor: More than one, an extra pair
• Varicose: Nearby/close by
• Vein: Conceited

An old country doctor went way
out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so
far out that there was no electricity. When the
doctor arrived, no one was home except for the
labouring mother and her 5 year old child. The
doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high
so he could see while he helped the woman deliver
the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and
after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born
baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to
get him to take his first breath.

“Hit him again,” the child
said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the
first place!!”

Sharon was taken to the doctor
because she was putting on weight. Her mother, a
somewhat overbearing woman, told the doctor all
about it, poor Sharon was not allowed to say a word
despite being a young woman of 15 years.
After a long monologue from her mother about how it
must be her glands, the doctor examined Sharon and
was able to make the diagnosis.

“Well,” said the doctor, “I’m
afraid that the reason why Sharon is putting on
weight is that she is PREGNANT.”
“Nonsense,” said Sharons mother, “you’re wrong,
you’ve obviously made a mistake. Such a thing is
just not possible. Sharon would never do anything
like that, she doesn’t know anything about such
things.” Turning to Sharon she boomed at her
daughter, “Isn’t that so?” Poor Sharon could only
shake her head in abject agreement.

The doctor said nothing. He
just washed his hands, walked to the window and
stared intently into the evening sky.
“Well, doctor, have you nothing to say? Are you just
going to stare out the window? bellowed Sharons mum.

The doctor quietly replied that
he was looking for something, because the last time
that this had happened a new star had arisen in the
East and three wise men on camels had come looking
for the fortunate mother and child.

While the Obstetrician is
awaiting third stage after a delivery:

Husband: Dr, when can we resume
sexual intercourse?

Obstetrician: Well, it is
customary to wait until after the placenta is
delivered.

The tired doctor was awakened
by a phone call in the middle of the night.

“Please, you have to come right
over,” pleaded the distraught young mother. “My
child has swallowed a contraceptive.”

The physician dressed quickly;
but before he could get out the door, the phone rang
again.

“You don’t have to come over
after all,” the woman said with a sigh of relief.
“My husband just found another one.”

A doctor who spoke limited
Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to
find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth.
Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling
“Puta! Puta! Puta!”.

At this, the grandmother
started to cry and the babies father had to be
restrained. What the doctor should have been saying
was “Puja!” (Push!).

Instead, he was saying “Whore!
Whore! Whore!”.

Baby Birth

Teenage daughter to mother -
'Mom what is it like having a baby"

Mom - "umm....It's kinda of
hard...it is like trying to pass a watermelon
through a keyhole."

Painless labour for mom and dad!

A lady and her husband, who
went to the hospital to give birth to their child,
heard of a new technology from the doctor, which
would transfer the labour pain from the mother to
the father.

The couple were both excited
and very much in favour of it. The doctor however
said that, to start with, he would transfer only 10%
of the pain, as even that small amount of pain would
be too much for the father. They agreed and the
doctor started the transfer.

The father did not show any
signs of pain as the doctor kept increasing the
amount of transfer. The transfer was complete at one
stage with 100% pain transferred to the father. The
father was comfortable even at that stage and the
mother delivered the baby. The couple left the
hospital with the baby, literally painless and
ecstatic, only to return home and find the mailman
dead on the porch!

The Story of the Chinese Obstetrician

The Chinese in early 50's were
going through a big baby boom period and the doctors
were over-stretched. They devised a way of avoiding
repeated visits by would be mothers. This is how the
story goes:

A young Chinese woman, three
months pregnant went to see her local government
obstetrician doctor who was very busy, his
compounder saw her and asked her to quickly bare her
tummy. He then reached into his desk and took out a
rubber stamp, which he pressed below her navel and
asked the young lady to go home.

At home, she and her curious
husband tried to read the tiny Chinese words printed
on her belly, but they were too small. They then got
a magnifying glass and tried to read the words; the
stamp read: "When your husband can read this without
the magnifying glasses, it's time to come to the
hospital."

Obstetrician's wife

At a big cocktail party, an
obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big,
oversexed blonde, was making overtures at her
husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so
she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them
disappear into a bedroom together.

At once she rushed into the
room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look,
lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't
INSTALL them!"

Wrong one

A man comes into the ER and
yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted
the lady's dress, and began to take off her
underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several
cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

Miss-Diagnosis

A man comes into the ER
yelling, "My wife's going to have her baby in the
cab!"
The ER physician, desperate to help the lady, grabs
his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's
dress, and just finishes jerking off her underwear
when he looks at the lady's shocked face. The
physician then realizes his blunder and turns pink
with embarrassment - There were several cabs lined
up and obviously he was in the wrong one!

I
have good news and bad news

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad
news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had
to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a
very good offer on your slippers.

Is she feeling any
better?

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who
swallowed ten quarters last night?

Nurse: No change yet.

What should I do then?

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature
goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!

The prison hospital

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed
my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys.
I only came to see if you could get me out of this
place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

I can't find the cause
of your pain

As
the doctor completed an examination of the patient,
he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint.
Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back
when you're sober"

Bad temper problem

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a
lot of stress; I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

Will I live any longer?

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song,
will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

People are ignoring me

A
patient walks into a doctor's office.

Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

Doctor: Next!

Doctor is complaining
to a mechanic

A
doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is
several times more per hour then we get paid for
medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same
model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to
keep up to date with new models coming every month."

The results of the
X-ray

Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head
show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing!

A very interesting fact

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000
bones in the human body?

Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in
the waiting room!

Get a heart transplant

A
new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white
coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a
heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and
want to find a suitable stone."

I've got good and bad

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough
examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news
and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer; I estimate that you have
about two years left.

Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will
be over! What kind of good news could you probably
tell me, after this?

Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three
months you are going to forget everything I told
you.

We are the best of
friends

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and
said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not
want to insult you by offering payment. But I would
like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my
will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor
emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that
prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a
little change."

You're in great health

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be
eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what I told you.

Driving exams worry me

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving
tests!

Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass
eventually.

Liz: I'm the examiner!

The Code of Ethical
Behavior for Patients(In lighter vein)

1.
Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause
him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2.
Be cheerful at all times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and
requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can
get.

3.
Try to suffer from the disease for which you are
being treated.
Remember that your doctor has a professional
reputation to uphold.

4.
Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring
relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a
deep insight into the true nature of your illness,
which transcends any mere permanent disability you
may have experienced.

5.
Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or
why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound
matters could be explained in terms that you would
understand.

6.
Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the
resulting research paper will surely be of
widespread interest.

7.
Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute,
however modestly, to the well-being of physicians
and other humanitarians.

8.
Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are
beyond your means.

9.
Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come
to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one,
and you have a sacred duty to protect him from
exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or
under his direct care.

HILARIOUS
QUOTES FROM ATUL MUNSHI

·
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take
them while driving.

·
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you
are a referee.

·
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right and the other is the husband!

· It
is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could
go one way or another.

·
Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry
the one you cannot live without, but whatever you
do, you'll regret it later.

·
You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

·
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do
not vote.

·
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting
before you get tired.

·
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to
her or she will take it anyway.

· My
wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and
she agrees with me.

·
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to
others.

·
Ladies first! Pretty ladies sooner!!

· A
successful marriage requires falling in love many
times, always with the same person.

·
You are getting old when you enjoy remembering
things more than doing them.

· It
doesn't matter how often a married man changes his
job, he still ends up with the same boss.

·
Saving is the best thing especially when your
parents have done it for you.

·
There is only one perfect child in the world and
every mother has it.

· I believe we
should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried -
but they wanted cash.

A young woman went to consult
a psychiatrist. On entering the examination room
she was asked to lie down on the couch. The
young women replied immediately. "No, thanks
doctor that is exactly how my problems began"

The difference between a
neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a
psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic
knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

Answers in
Exams by non medical student

1. Antibody
- One who hates his body

2. Artery -
Study of Fine Paintings

3. Bacteria
- Back door of a Cafeteria

4. Coma -
Punctuation Mark

5. Gall
Bladder - Bladder of a Girl

6. Genes -
Blue Denim

7. Labour
Pain - Hurt at Work

8.
Liposuction - A French Kiss

9.
Ultrasound - Radical Sound

10. Cardiology - Advanced
Study of Playing Cards.....

While making
his rounds, a doctor points out an x- ray to a group
of medical students.

“As you can
see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left
fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

The doctor
turns to one of the students and asks, “What would
you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student,
“I suppose I’d limp, too.”

If a boy has 'magnetic
personality ' and still can’t attract a girl
towards him...does that mean the girl has ''IRON
DEFICIENCY ANAEMIA?"

A defense
attorney, cross-examining a pathologist, asked,
"Before you signed the death certificate, had you
take the pulse?"

"Pathologist: 'No.'

"Attorney:
'Did you listen to the heart?'

"Pathologist: 'No.'

"Attorney:
'Did you check for breathing?'

"Pathologist: 'No.'

"Attorney:
'So, when you signed the death certificate you
weren't sure the man was dead, were you?'

"Pathologist: 'Well, let me
put it this way: The man's brain was sitting in
a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he
could be practicing law somewhere.'

TEACHER:
What is period?

BOBO: I don't know sir, but I
think it's very dangerous because when my sister
said she hasn't seen her period for 3months.....
My mom fainted, my dad got a heart attack and
our driver ran away without a trace.

A patient
who was suffering from a bad case of flu was
outraged when he heard from the doctor's secretary
that he could not get an appointment for three
weeks. He bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't
see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by
then!"

Calmly the voice at the other
end of the line replied, "If so, would you have
your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

A teacher
was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make matter clearer, she said, 'Now class,
if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would
run into it, and I would turn red in the face...'
"Yes, "the class said.

"Then why is
it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet"

A little fellow shouted,
"Because your feet are not empty"

SAY YOUR
PRAYERS ONLY IN ENGLISH...

In case of
an emergency, speak only in English!! Never say
prayers in any other language! U never know what
kind of translation problem u can run into

An Indian in
the US suffered a heart attack on the road and was
picked up by an ambulance. Being religious, he kept
repeating - Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om.

When the
ambulance pulled into his home, his wife came out
and screamed to the paramedics: 'Why didn't you take
him straight to the hospital?'

They replied
"Because he kept saying,

'Hurry home Hurry home Hurry
home!'

Which is
BEST feeling in the world?? ? ? ?

When u try
to look at your friend and you find that your friend
is already looking at you!

Location -
Exam Hall

Wambua goes
into a chemist, reaches into his pocket and takes
out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some
liquid onto the teaspoon and offers

it to the
chemist's assistant. "Could you taste this please?"
says Wambua

Doc- Its ok, just tell me in
which pocket you've kept the money. I'll take it
myself.

Life of a
Medical Student

1st day of
college- mania

Hostel food-
dysphagia

Lecture
hall- ptosis

Cultural-
nystagmus

Seminars-
palpitations

CATs-
migraine

Study hall-
insomnia

Exam hall-
amnesia

Viva-
aphasia

Day before
university exam - depression

Results – coma

A guy asked
a girl in a library; “Do you mind if I sit beside
you”?

The girl
answered with a loud voice; "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND
THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!”.

All the
students in the library started staring at the guy
and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes,
the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she
told him “I study psychology and I know what a man
is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?"

The guy responded with a loud
voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!!!? THAT’S TOO
MUCH!!!" ...and all the people in the library
looked at the girl in shock and the guy
whispered in her ears; “I study Law and I know
how to make someone feel guilty"

Wife takes
seriously ill husband to doctor

Doc 2 wife:
Give him healthy breakfast daily... Be pleasant & in
good mood. Cook tasty dinner & don't discuss your
problems with him. Stop watching TV serials. Don't
demand new clothes. If you do this for one year,
your husband will be OK.

On way home,
husband asks wife-what did doctor say?

Wife-Dr.
says you will die very soon!

A man was
making love to a village girl over Christmas when
she realized he was not using a condom.

She asked
him, "You’re not using a condom"?

Man
answered, "Yes".

She said,
"Hope you don't have HIV / AIDS

Man, "NO".

Girl: "Thank God, I don't
want to get that thing again”!

Side effects of alcohol.... and
remedies!!!

1. Symptom:
Cold and humid feet.

Cause- Glass
is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring
the Drink on your feet).

Cure: Adjust
glass until open end is facing upward.

2. Symptom:
The wall facing you is full of lights.

Cause:
You're lying on the floor.

Cure:
Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the
floor.

3. Symptom-
The floor looks blurry.

Cause:
You're looking through an empty glass.

Cure:
Quickly refill your glass!

4. Symptom:
The floor is moving.

Cause:
You're being dragged away.

Cure: At
least ask where they're taking you!

5.
Symptom-You hear echoes every time someone speaks.

Cause: You
have your empty glass on your ear and trying to
drink from it.

Cure: Stop
making a fool of yourself, refill your glass and
place it on your mouth.

6. Symptom:
Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.

Cause:
You're in the wrong house.

Cure -Ask if
they can point you to your house.

7. Symptom:
The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in
white and the music is very loud and repetitive.

Cause:
You're in an ambulance.

Cure - Don't
move. Let the professionals do their job!!!!

A man was
very worried that his wife was lately not quite the
same as she used to be. So, he takes her to the
doctor who runs a battery of tests on her and then
calls the man into his office.

He says,
"Well, I have run all the tests on your wife and
have come to the conclusion that she has either AIDS
or Alzheimer's disease."

The man is
now shocked and upset and asks the doctor, "But doc,
how will we know which one of the diseases she is
suffering from?"

The doctor
replies, "On your way back home, drop her off in a
place about two blocks from home. If she makes it
home, don't have sex with her

Five
surgeons are discussing the types of people they
like to operate on.

The first
surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my
operating table because when I open them up,
everything inside is numbered."

The second
responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color-coded. "

The third
surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical
order."

The fourth
surgeon chimes in: "You know I like engineers; those
guys always understand if you have a few parts left
over."

But the
fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to
operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls,
no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass
are interchangeable.....?

A young
woman, two months pregnant, went to see her
obstetrician. He was in a hurry to leave on an
emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her
stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a
rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel. He
then rushed off. At home, she and her husband tried
to read the tiny words printed on her belly, but
they were too small. They then found a magnifying
glass and tried to read the words; the stamp read:
"When your husband can read this without his
glasses, it's time to get yourself to the
hospital."

I have good news and bad news

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why
am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident
involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some
good news and some bad news. Which would you like to
hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news
first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured
so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible!
What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the
next ward who made a very good offer on your
slippers.

Is she feeling any better?

Doctor: Nurse, how is that
little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last
night?

Nurse: No change yet.

What should I do then?

Patient: Doctor, what should I
do if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!

Benefits of having Alzheimer's
disease

5. You never have to watch
reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new
people.

3. You don't have to remember
the whines and complaints of your spouse.

The other day, I got one from
an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to
put my street name on them!

Would you please do me a favor?

A dentist, after completing
work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me?
Could you give out a few of your loudest, most
painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't
all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many
people in the waiting room right now, and I don't
want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

I can't find the cause of your
pain

As the doctor completed an
examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a
cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due
to drinking."

"In that case," said the
patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

Bad temper problem

Patient: Doctor, you must help
me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my
temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your
problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I,
you stupid fool!!

Will I live any longer?

Patient: Doctor, if I give up
wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will
just seem longer.

A doctor is complaining to a
mechanic

A doctor is talking to a car
mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour
then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you
have always the same model, it hasn't changed since
Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models
coming every month."

Can I play the piano once these
are off?

A doctor has come to see one of
his patients in a hospital. The patient has had
major surgery to both of his hands.

"Doctor," says the man
excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily
bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano
when these bandages come off?"

"I don't see why not," replies
the doctor.

"That's funny," says the man.
"I wasn't able to play it before."

Will this operation hurt me at
all?

Patient (to cosmetic surgeon):
Will it hurt me, doctor?

Surgeon: Only when you get my
bill, Mrs Brown.

A very interesting fact

Doctor: Did you know that there
are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are
three dogs outside in the waiting room!

Get a heart transplant

A new arrival, about to enter
hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching
through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you
lost something?"

"No," replied one of the
doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an
income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable
stone."

Do you have a solution?

A patient came to his dentist
with problems with his teeth.

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow
teeth, what do I do?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

Did you take the patient's
temperature?

Doctor: Did you take the
patient's temperature?

Nurse: No. Is it missing?

We need to help these people

A doctor and a nurse were
called to the scene of an accident.

Doctor: We need to get these
people to a hospital now!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: It's a big building
with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

My son swallowed the can opener

Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My
son, John, swallowed the can opener!

Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be
alright.

Mrs. Smith: But how do I open
the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

We are the best of friends

The patient shook his doctor's
hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best
of friends, I would not want to insult you by
offering payment. But I would like for you to know
that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you,"
said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I
see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to
make a little change."

You're in great health

Doctor: You're in good health.
You'll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80
right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell
you.

The Code of Ethical Behavior
for Patients

1. Do not expect your doctor to
share your discomfort.

Involvement with the patient's
suffering might cause him to lose valuable
scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times.

Your doctor leads a busy and
trying life and requires all the gentleness and
reassurance he can get.

3. Try to suffer from the
disease for which you are being treated.

Remember that your doctor has a
professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the
treatment fails to bring relief.

You must believe that your
doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true
nature of your illness, which transcends any mere
permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to
explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.

It is presumptuous to assume
that such profound matters could be explained in
terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental
treatment readily.

Though the surgery may not
benefit you directly, the resulting research paper
will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills
promptly and willingly.

You should consider it a
privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the
well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments
that you cannot afford.

It is sheer arrogance to
contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the
shortcomings that have come to light in the course
of treatment by your doctor.

The patient-doctor relationship
is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to
protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your
doctor's presence or under his direct care.