Feuding Virginia, New Jersey Tug At Loyalties

Get Serious

It was with heavy heart that I read in the paper last week that the great commonwealth of Virginia and the great state of New Jersey have had a falling out.

Virginia, it said, has been contacting businesses located in New Jersey, tempting them to come on down to the Old Dominion, home of lower business costs.

In retaliation, New Jersey has taken out newspaper ads, suggesting that Virginia companies should fold their tents and silently steal away to savor the industrial delights of the Garden State.

This rivalry is particularly distressing to me, whose loyalty is divided between the two states:

New Jersey, the state where I grew to manhood; the state where I went to Boy Scout meetings and went to college and learned to eat cheese-steak subs and went parking in my old '57 Ford with my girlfriends;

And Virginia, the state where I now happily reside; the state where I acquired a mortgage and children and learned to eat pork barbecue and settled down to grow gray hairs.

My two favorite states, economic enemies. Now I know how people felt when the Civil War was breaking out.

Gee, I hope this rivalry doesn't escalate into warfare. I don't know which state would come out on top.

As far as military readiness is concerned, Virginia probably has more pickup trucks with gun racks in the back windows. But New Jersey probably has more old Camaros with .45s in the glove compartments. It would be bloody.

Why can't they both join forces and gang up on someplace like Arkansas?

It really is hard for me to take sides. If I root for New Jersey to swipe industries away from Virginia, I will be breaking ranks with my own friends and neighbors.

On the other hand, if I root for Virginia to lure Jersey businesses down I-95, I will be breaking ranks with my tough cousin Rocco up in New Jersey, and Rocco might start breaking something himself. Such as my legs.

Rocco, a dyed-in-the-rayon New Jerseyan, would patriotically defend his native state against any challenge from Virginia, even though he's not quite sure where Virginia is. Rocco has never been farther south than Atlantic City. To him, Virginia is just one of "dose Suddin states w'ere dey talk funny. Not like us reg'la Americans, y'unnerstan?"

Caught in this quandary, all I can do is behave as an impartial journalist and mention, for any businesses out there, the relative merits of both states:

New Jersey has two pro football teams, the East Rutherford Giants and the Meadowlands Jets (sometimes erroneously referred to, by outsiders, as New York teams). Virginia has high school football teams that could pretty near lick 'em both.

The Bruce Factor: Hornsby is from Virginia, Springsteen is from Jersey.

New Jersey is close to the cultural attractions of New York (theater, museums) and the cultural attractions of Philadelphia (see cheese-steak subs, above). Virginia is close to the cultural attractions of North Carolina (Nags Head gift shops featuring seashells glued together in the shape of sailboats).

In Virginia, you can visit historic old taverns where the nation's first leaders met. In New Jersey, you can visit historic old taverns where the nation's first bowling leagues were formed.

That's the score, business men and women. As for me, I'm just glad no state ever tries to lure away a newspaper.