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Prayers are nice, but they are not going to fix things. I have a new idea. It’s called Faith and Fight.

Ronan. I knew yesterday, that I was not going to get out of bed. I got up, showered, took your brothers to school and acted like the happy mama they deserve to love and see. I came back home and sank back into my bed for the rest of the day. I spent the morning and afternoon, throwing up. I don’t think this is much of a Poppy thing anymore. But just the way my body reacts to all of this grief that I carry around with me 24/7. My heart was too heavy for you and Teddy, to do much else so I didn’t. Then I turned on the T.V. just in time to hear about the shooting in Newton, CT. I sat back and watched with horror on my face as the numbers of the kids shot and killed, continued to rise. I hid in my bed. I sobbed in my bed. I told you this world was too awful to continue to live in. All I could think about was those innocent babies, who will never have a future. Just like the thousands of innocent babies who die of cancer every year. What happened yesterday was the most senseless act of violence I’ve ever heard of in my life and my heart is absolutely broken for the families who are left here to try to go on and live, without their children.

Facebook yesterday was full of people shouting their political opinions. I read everything from the reason this happened was because we need stricter gun laws in this country (which I do agree with but that is not going to fix the problem) to it’s because we have taken God out of our schools… (ugh, really?) To it was because the kid was autistic (shut the fuck up). This did not just happen for one reason. It is combination of things that seem to be wrong in our country. You cannot just point your finger at one thing. Clearly this kid had some kind of mental illness and was not getting the proper treatment. Hey! Here’s an idea! Let’s stop throwing so much money at things like war, welfare, and NASA and maybe focus on the things here that really need to be focused on like the well being of people who have an illness down here and really need to be treated, helped, or nurtured. Let’s do whatever it takes to help the person in need instead of ignoring them.

It also seemed that every single person on Facebook was saying things like, “Praying for the families !” Or “hugging my babies extra tight today!” Let me tell you 2 things. The first being, prayers for as nice as they are, are NOT going to change things. Are they going to bring back the dead child? Ummm… no. Are they going to help put an end to this insane violence that seems to keep continuing to happen over and over again? No. I wish it were that simple, but it’s not. I know this first hand. Things do not get done by sitting back and praying and doing nothing else. Change does not happen that way. Change happens by working your ass off. Things only get done by being vocal, taking risks, taking ideas and no matter how many times you hear the word, no, you DON’T accept it as an answer. You keep fighting for the change you want to see happen. You fight with everything you have until finally you start to see things move in the direction you want. Trust me. The things that have happened in my life, since Ronan died, have not been because I have sat back, prayed for it and done nothing else. I work my fucking ass off every single day because I know if I really want to change things, it takes a lot of hard work. It does not happen by me being huddled in a corner, praying for cancer to be cured. If it were that fucking simple, my child would not be dead. The second thing here kills me. It kills me everyday that it takes a tragedy like yesterday to remind us that we need to hug our children more tightly everyday. Why are we not hugging our kids extra tight, every single day? From the second my kids were born, I knew they were an absolute gift that I treasured every single day. From the second Ronan was born, I was constantly telling myself how lucky I was to have him and that every single day with him, felt like Christmas only 1,000 better. I have pages and pages in journals I used to write in just months after Ronan was born where all I did was talk about how amazing he was, how much I loved him, how he made our family so perfect. I knew every single day, that I was so lucky to have him for the time that I did. Looking back now, I can tell you all that I knew deep down, that Ronan was not going to be here forever. Going back now, and reading the things that I wrote about him in his very early years of life, I knew. This is one of the reasons the bond and connection I have with him is so deep. I never took a second of that child’s life for granted. I hugged him and all of my kids, extra tight every single day. Since losing Ronan, I know there have been times that I haven’t hugged Liam and Quinn as tightly as I should be doing so. But my hugs sometimes come in other ways such as getting out of bed and packing their lunches for school. And I always make sure to tell them how much I love them, every single day because I know there is no guarantee in life that I am going to have them forever.

I don’t want to get to political or preachy about all of this because the bottom line is kids are dying left and right every single day whether it be from a senseless act of insanity, cancer or something else. When you become a parent you take that chance in life that you may not have your child forever. I used to be one of the lucky ones who did. And now that I am not, you can be damn sure I am not going to sit back and pray about it while doing nothing else. I am going to change the very fucked world of childhood cancer by being an activist and using my pain for motivation. I am going to fight for my child for the rest of my life because he should still be here. My child is dead due to the lack of funding and attention that childhood cancer receives. Because too many people choose to ignore it and not make it a priority (hello lovely government). Well, that is fucked. That is just as fucked as some person who quite clearly needed mental help going in and shooting all of those innocent kids. So, people of the world. If you are so upset about any of this, then get off your asses and really do something about it! If you are so worried about the safety of your kids, take some sort of action instead of just waiting for someone else or something else, to do it for you. Say your prayers, but then be proactive and DO SOMETHING! I pray all of the time(to Ronan). I pray and talk to him, 24 hours a day. I let him give the me strength to do everything in my life and push me forward. I do not sit back, pray to Ronan, and then do nothing, expecting a miracle to happen. I pray to him while doing a lot of things, too. The power of those two things, gets me through my days. Those two things, are very powerful if I sit back and do them together. I just wish I would see more people praying in the world AND actually doing something as well. It has to start being a combination of the two things. It has to be a combination of your faith and your fight in order for things in this world to change.

And for all of you yesterday, still posting status updates all over Facebook like, “So sorry for all of those kids. Hugging my kids extra tight today!” And then 2 hours later, the same people are posting other updates such as, “GOD! My kids are driving me insane and the Nanny just canceled! How am I supposed to finish my Christmas shopping now?!?!” Fuck you. Fuck you from the bottom of my very broken heart and fuck you for not having any self awareness at all. Some of us would give anything to have our kids here, driving us insane, while knowing that Christmas shopping is the last thing in the world that matters.

My heart goes out to the parents last night who had to go to sleep without their children. I know what that feels like every single night, since being without you, Ronan. It is a pain I would wish on no one. I am so sorry to those kids, their families and every single person who loved and cared for them. I am so sorry for the sweet teachers lives that were taken as well. School is supposed to be the safest place for our kids to be. It is very apparent that there are many things broken that need to be fixed in order for things like this to stop happening. It is very apparent to me that it is not just one problem, but many. I hope we can get this figured out quickly, other wise I fear this will not stop. And my kids may be next. I am not naive to the world of tragedy. I know this could have been my kids, yesterday. I stopped living in a bubble a long time ago.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams last night. Your head was bald but the way you ran into my arms was so real, it was almost like you were here again. I even remember being able to smell you. And you still had your squeaky little voice. What did you say to me, baby boy? Oh yes, I remember. “It’s just me and you, baby.” Forever and always. Me and you.

66 Comments

Thank you. Thank you so much for making us check our priorities. Don’t let us get away with it. Don’t let us focus for one minute on the minutiae and the bullshit. Thank you for inspiring me write my own blog about our little girl with autism. Thanks you for introducing me to a cool twitter friend with a little dragon.

Oh Maya! Your words are so powerful! Thanks for saying what’s on do many people’s minds, but we don’t have the guts to say it! We all (myself included) need to do our part… Get up off our asses and make a change, demand a change! Thank you. And I am sorry for your pain.

Eileen

I couldn’t agree more. Weeping and heartbroken for all of those children and the parents and siblings and loved ones left behind to live with this. My prayers are for how do I become the change? Where do I start. How. Too many babies dying, Be it cancer or a senseless, horrid act like yesterday. I Hug my kids extra tight every single day. I do not need a reminder of how lucky I am. Ever. Not patting myself on the back, just saying that it too makes me sick that so many parents don’t ever get it. I hate The stupid shit people post on Facebook.

Tessa

Dearest Mama Maya. I find myself thinking about you, and about beautiful little Ronan every day. Yesterday was no different in that respect. I picked up my 15-year old at school. To go Christmas shopping. If it had been up to me, I know I would’ve gone straight home, crawled in my bed and just cried. I couldn’t do that. My girl was there to remind me, that I needed and wanted to be with her, doing something she’d looked forward to…and I did. On the way home, the iPod on shuffle, 2 miles from home, “Ronan” came on. A song that makes me ache so badly for you and your family, for Avalanna…for the beautiful children gone too soon because of that bastard called cancer. Needless to say, the song was ending as we pulled up to the house, and my tears were, by then, flowing freely. I knew and really realized in that moment that yesterday’s shooter was like Ronan’s cancer. Only that shooter got to die. Taking his own life, like the coward he was. People like him, I thought, are our civilization’s cowardly cancers. It made me realize that your precious Ronan was unfairly and in comprehensively taken from you…an innocent. Those 20 beautiful souls who left us yesterday, also innocent. How do we fight this world, Maya? How do we get through day by day, raising these angels God gave to us, to love and to care for, when we know in the back of our minds that they could be taken away with no rhyme nor reason? I did grab my daughter before we got out of the car, and I hugged her. I told her I loved her. I made her promise that she’d always do everything possible to try and stay safe. All the while realizing, most parents want that for their kids, and still…in the flutter of butterfly wings. Gone. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I know that I will never be able to thank you. You, Maya…you and your Ronan…you helped me to really see that life us NOT fair, but that we must do what we can and say what we need to before the chance is gone. I talk to Ronan too, you know? And somehow, I think he hears me. Love and blessings, Tessa

Deanna Lawrence

Faith is an important part of many lives, and is a crucial support for many grieving families – to trivialize someone’s faith is as bad as trivializing their pain. I heard something once that I think applies here: “Pray like everything depends on God, and work like everything depends on you.” And I think this may be similar to what you are trying to convey. I truly admire your drive, your passion, and the way you are so honest about how you feel. I must admit that sometimes your anger gives me pause, but I’ve never lost a child and so how can I judge how you should be feeling? But regardless, it is heartening to see someone who is angry but not impotent in their anger. You allow it to fuel you, and to push forward your agenda to help other kids and their families. I do hope that someday you will feel more at peace, that you will not be so tormented. But I have NO DOUBT at all that your life’s work will remain and your vision undimmed no matter where life takes you. All the best to you and your family.

Eileen

….And thank you for your candid thoughts. You do say what a lot of people are thinking, and ALOT of people listening and paying attention. …. You will continie to be a catalyst for change. Great things will happen because of your fire and love for Ronan and all sick kids who need help. “WWMD” …..What Would Maya Do? :)

Beth

Thank you for your post. You said exactly what I was thinking. I kiss and hug my kids tightly every night. Not just when something terrible happens. And to blame guns or make this tragedy a political agenda is disgusting.

Lara

Emily

I agree wholeheartedly that most people have priorities mixed up, and it’s stupid that it takes tradegies to put them in order. I don’t have FB or Twitter for the reason I hate to read senseless posts of mixed up priorities. There should be more people like you who take action and don’t wait for others to do it. My heart aches for you when I read your posts, but I have to believe that in a world without faith, that God and prayers can change things along with hard work. Evil is among us and that won’t change, it will always be here as long as free choice is, I urge more people to make a vow to pray for our leaders, and to also pray for every evil that exists here in this world and not to harden our hearts.

Cindy

How is it that when I read your posts….so many times you say exactly what I am thinking inside my own head? Your thoughts about yesterdays tragedy was so spot on. I had the same reactions when I read all the posts on FB. Why don’t people get the fact that we just need to come together and do something? Continuing the arguing over gun control, over Republican vs Democrat and all that comes with it is just ludicrous. I think what did me in was seeing the people comments that all we need to do is put prayer back in school….Really!!!!!

If I have learned nothing from you and your sharing of your nightmare is that we need to get off our butts and do something instead of just talking about doing it. You inspired me to apply to volunteer at my local Ronald McDonald house. You have inspired me or taught me that this morning I can’t just sit and watch this news all day long and not do something. I haven’t figured out what that something is, but I will.

Jaime H.

True, “words without works”. I think people mean well by offering up prayers for the loved ones left here, maybe they aren’t sure what else to do/say. I’ve been so, so sad since yesterday’s news. It’s unbelievably heartbreakingly sad. Having a son the same age as those little ones, ugh, I cannot imagine. I’m just sorry, for you, for those families, its awful, and scary! None of us are safe from anything that could strike any of us at any time. Love and hugs,

pbigbee3@cox.net

Thank you. Thank you for this post. I was so beyond livid and pissed at people saying, “Now is not the time”. When is the damn time? People need to speak up and help others. Don’t pray for those babies, I can asure you their parents would rather you fucking scream and fight for them or have their backs. Praying doesn’t bring back innocent babies that have done nothing to deserve this fucked-up shit. I’m so sick of people that don’t speak up for others when they are being wronged. ps. If anyone reads this, unless you can explain to me why a citizen needs a machine gun, save it, not interested in your opinion.

I was at work yesterday. Out of my 3 kids my oldest and youngest were at home and not at school. My oldest was still out with a concussion… it has me worried because after several days my smarty pants isn’t sleeping, talkative and not making much sense at times, has a headache and nauseated. My youngest DeafBlind child PCA was getting him ready for school and he threw up. I was worried about him. Then on my phone an ABC alert popped up and it said “school massacre and 27 dead most are children” Now I have a school alert for my phone for weather and school closings and the school alerts us when there are lock downs etc. I was on the phone with a pt and i almost panicked. My Colten was in school today. I contained myself and and when phone call was done i looked up the alert and read it was not my sons school. I got relief at first it was not my kids. but then felt sick that it was any of our little babies out there at school. These little ones in grade school don’t even know crime. To them its telling mom and dad a lie saying they didn’t take a cookie. It made me sick. My kids are my life. They make me who I am. I was thankful I still had my kids. I thought of how horrible in one setting these little ones died. Then I thought of the senseless things like this and compared to cancer and kids like Teddy and Ronan. Then all of out little people out there that have to suffer in their lives because of disabilities. It’s very sad. I called my daughter at lunch after I was reading about yesterday. This morning I read how they will release the names of the victims. Why do they take so long with that… The first name they release is the creepy that did this. Why does he even get a name. His poor mother. At least she never knew what he did at the school. This morning reading how they turned on the PA system and they heard the Principle screaming as she was trying to overtake the gunman but was shot in the process. Those little kids will never forget that. I really hope people don’t say kids are resilient… They are not. They adjust yes but they carry it with them the rest of their lives. I love people it’s why I work in medical. But I really love children. What a loss every day. My heart goes out to all the parents and siblings out there and families dealing with the rest of their lives having to live and keep going forward with out their little precious one.

Katrina

Maya, I agree 100% with you. I am Christian and have a deep faith in God, but I know things won’t get done just sitting back idly praying and waiting for God to do it on his own. It is our job to make things happen and get it done ourselves. I believe he will help us, but it’s not going to get done without us! Thank you for your words as I’ve been wanting to shout all that out loud all day long as I’m reading facebook posts. Pisses me off they think gun control would have helped…are you that ignorant?!?!? And I agree, why are ppl hugging kids “extra”…do that everyday people!!! I did think of you and your family yesterday and how completely unfair cancer and these random shootings are. Doesn’t matter how these children died, it was unnecessary and utterly fucked up and lots of things need changed. Hugs to you and I’m so very sorry this is your life now.

Cortney

I will admit I am guilty of the Facebook posts yesterday. I have a four year old daughter and cant even comprehend losing her. I don’t know what to say in situations like yesterday, well I didnt until reading this. All of these points you made are so obvious I can’t even believe they didn’t occur to me. I read your blogs religiously and honestly they usually make me feel selfish. I sometimes feel like im the person you’re venting about, the people you want to smack in the face bc they don’t know what they have. I remember the first day I found your blog. I was having a horrible stressful month. Broke, living with friends,going through health problems of my own, and curled up on the couch feeling sorry for myself. Then I read your blogs, beginning to end. I wanted to smack myself. It made me realize all I do have, specifically my daughter. I really feel as if you’re my savior. You’ve opened my eyes to so many things and have made me want to take action. I especially cannot.believe how fucked up and unknown it is that childhood cancer has such little funding. It breaks my heart, and while I may not have the funds to help, I do have a voice and I’ve been telling anyone who will listen, any one who wants to donate, that they need to donate specifically to organizations that go straight to childhood cancer research. This is something I am so passionate about, I know you don’t know me at all but I feel as if I know you and I know this whole comment is jumbled.and random but I just wanted you to know what a difference you’ve made in my life.

You inspire me with every post, Maya. I don’t comment often, but I read your posts and cry with you, laugh with you and feel for you so very much. I thought of you yesterday as I watched the news in absolute horror. I truly believe you will be the one to change the direction of pediatric cancer research. I simply wish Ronan was here with you.

Dear Maya,
I wanted to thank you for your powerful message and having the courage to express what I often have a difficult time expressing. At the age of fifty-one, I too can now say “Fuck Cancer.” My beautiful son passed away twenty-three years ago at the age of three, due to Stage 4 Neuroblastoma on December 22, 1989. Even now, I still think about him every day and often wonder about what he would look like, would he have gone to college and study something he was passionate about? What kind of older brother he would have been to his younger brothers, Joey and Shannon, and to his little sister Alicia. For this reason, I am writing you to thank you for standing up to “Childhood Cancer” and making a difference for all children and parents who hopefully in the future will not have to experience the heartbreak of losing a child to the awful disease known as “Fucking Cancer.” In closing, my dear father just recently passed away from Colon Cancer on November 28, 2012 and his passing was sudden, as he only found out six weeks ago that he had less than six months to live, and he died within six weeks. Unfortunately, watching my father suffer with the cancer while he was in the hospital renewed my hatred for such a horrible disease, as I am again angry at cancer and what a horrible disease it is, as it doesn’t discriminate against gender, age, ethnicity, or class. For this reason, I wanted to take the time to thank you for all your wonderful work you are doing in the fight against cancer, as cancer needs to know that their our people who will stand up to it and fight against its evilness.

Michelle from MI

Maya…I cannot express how much the world needs to hear from you…I am drawn to you, Ronan, your family and your words. Your post today couldn’t have been more precise. Actions speak louder than words…that is how I live too. I respect you, I appreciate you opening your life to the public and I will continue to be lifelong doner to your foundation. XO

Beckee

Maya, thank you for putting into words all the mixed up thoughts in my head.
To the person pissed their nanny cancelled and they can’t go shopping – Fuck you. I don’t know you but you do not deserve nice things. Get off you entitled ass and take a fucking reality check. Life is not always sunshine and butterflies and yesterday it was so obvious. You fucking fuckface fuckwad (I hope you are proud of my F word use, Maya!)

Nichole Smith

Thank you so much for this post. Being only 16, I fear for the world I may one day bring my children into because the one I live in can be so screwed up. And as a strong believer in my faith, I am comstantly frustrated by others opinions of prayer, prayer gives us the STRENGTH and COURAGE to fight back against this screwed up world not the easy way out. Faith and prayer are for action not for laziness. You are constantly giving me hope that people in this world may one day open their eyes and see what is truly important, saving innocent lives that should never have ended so soon no matter what the cause. Also, as a new advocate for cancer awareness, thank you for being the inspiration I needed to let go of my fear of speaking up and gaining the courage to speak out against the silence many people offer to cancer, especially childhood cancer. In a way, this blog encouraged me to be the person I had wanted to be for so long. Thank you Maya and thank you Ronan. You save this 16 year old everyday.

I do think god should have stayed being taught in our schools because he is the truth and the key to everlasting life :)… I have been depressed for your little boy since the day I read your blog but I’m even more disappointed in the way you see the afterlife:( .. I pray every night and prayer is the key to everything when you have faith, no faith yes I agree your waisting your time !! I wanna ask , have you ever opened a bible ? And you know what ?! I wish I had the money to take action !!! Some of us live pay check to pay check and don’t have the means to make a difference !!! Money is not always gonna fix everything the one and only like I said before is god not just any god !!! The one and only Jesus Christ!!!!!! I hope you find him cause that is the only way we will get to see our loved ones :)

showmeasignplease

How can people like u just act like u know for sure what happens or who we see when we die? Have u ever been dead? Have u ever personally talked to god or jesus christ ever? If your god and jesus exists i would love to meet them and say hey god ur an asshole! Thanks for putting us on this earth and making us innocent at first in a perfect garden but because one bitch wants to eat an apple of knowledge given to her by a talking snake we all get punished and have to live in shame and fear and sinfulness for eternity? Have u ever read the bible? Because it is a piece of shit written by stupid fuks like u who want to try to act like they know the secret of life because that is more comforting than admitting u don’t know.

Karen Petrellese

I love, love, love your blog and I look so forward to reading it ALL OF THE TIME and if I can’t get right to it, I save it until I can. I Just want you to know you are amazing. Was so happy to hear about your dream! And YES, I cannot fathom why some people were saying “I will hug my kids extra tight tonight”. I mean I, like you, hug mine like that all the time!! I truly think that people do not TRULY “get it” until, God forbid, something tragic happens. How sad for them…

Grace

I have been reading your blog for a few months now and have not made a comment until now. I couldn’t agree with you more. I can’t stand the “fake-ness” of people on Facebook as trite as that may sound, when a tragedy such as this mass shooting in CT occurs; people have no clue of things happening in the real world and won’t get off their butts to help. I wanted to tell you I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful son Ronan. I don’t have children of my own yet, but I have been a mothers helper/babysitter then nanny for the last 15 years. I also worked with mentally ill teenagers in a residential home, which opened my eyes even more to the realities of the world. Children who were given up by their parents, neglected, and abused. Sorry for the scattered thoughts here but my point in this post was to tell you your blog inspired me to apply to be a volunteer with the make-a-wish foundation near me in NJ. I hope by doing this I can bring more awareness to childhood cancer. I wish you nothing but the best with your new baby and family. You are a strong and inspiring woman and I am lucky to have found your blog.

Nicole

Maya,
You’re amazing. Thank you for writing this. It’s the first thing I’ve read regarding this whole tragedy that really makes sense and really hits home. I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now and you an incredible woman. My heart goes out to you and I’m so sorry for your loss. I truly believe that you and Ronan are changing the world and I know in my heart that your work will pay off. Thank you for sharing Ronan with us – he is such a beautiful spirit and his story makes me want to go out and kick cancer’s ass for taking him from this world far too early. So fuck cancer and love Ronan! Hugs to you from Connecticut.

Glenda

Well said RoMama!!! Life is short. My bubble burst when I was 13. I lost my dad and my mother raised me to love deeply and show and tell us every single day til she passed in 2004. It shouldn’t take a massacre to hug your kids a little tighter. My mother taught me to Enjoy those you love daily because tomorrow is never guaranteed!

My kids are my life. I live for them! They keep me grounded. They give me strength.

Lindsey Nichols

As a mother of an autistic son Thank you! And definitely Shut the fuck up people! We almost lost our son at birth and every single day I have hugged my children tighter than most parents do. I am utterly sickened by how people have turned this tragedy into their own personal lobby for their political stance. We all need to fight for the children, but we also need to take the time to really revel in the enormity of what has happened. Parents haven’t even had a chance to bury their children and people are spouting out what they think went wrong. It just boils my blood. Thank you again Maya for hitting the nail on the head again. I have so much respect for you. My thoughts and heart breaks for these families going through their absolute nightmare.

erin riek

Boo! Hiss Hiss!. I Love you and I have been following your blog for years and one thing I do love is that I can disagree with you and that I am hoping you will listen with an open mind and after this post, I do disagree with you!! All you have done since your Ronan has passed has preached how everyone grieves in a different way which I totally agree. I was so impressed today after watching sweet Emilie Parkers father speak so lovingly and kind, about his daughter and his heavingly father who he knows she is now with and even the shooters family, and how each and every one of us is given the gift of free will and as much as we all would have loved to take that away from him, that was his choice, just like we are all given the same free will. Because you chose not to believe in god, others like that family do lean upon their faith and depend on peoples prayers and their beliefs and that may all that they may need to get through this. As horrible as it was for you to lose you beautiful boy, u had time to be with him and in a way prepare. These parents just dropped their child off at school one day expecting to pick them up at the end of the day not knowing that it would be there last goodbye. Emilie’s parents are LDS Their religion and god is what will get them through this. You believe differently. Thats fine. Maybe it will help you for the better and maybe we are all the Nieve suckers but maybe not. But don’t make people who read your blog and have looked to you for hope feel that looking to god and their faith is foolish. You have made yourself now an example. You need to be open minded and opened to all opportunities of healing.
ERIN (I know you like honest so here it is! Feel free to chew me out, trust me, I can take it!)

M

lee

Erin, I have to call bullshit on your post. I am a mother of a son in remission for Acute Myeloid Leukemia. I have been reading this blog for a long time but have yet to post – until today and reading some of these comments, like yours. I now feel as if I have a responsibility to defend Maya on here. Honestly, there is NO right time to lose a child, whether you ‘got time with them’ or not. I count my lucky stars every single day that I have my boy(S) still with me and am very, very lucky that he is still here. However, you have NO idea how gut-wrenching it is to sit in a hospital, day in and day out with your sick child, ALLOWING poison to be pumped into them. To watch them lose their hair, weight, body… puking with bruises everywhere. Watching them wake up every morning to a team of adults in white coats swarming their bed (would YOU like to wake up like that each morning?) Unable to leave a 10’x10′ room for a month at a time… feeling LUCKY if that room has a window for them to at least see the sky. Not to mention seeing them scared shitless before surgery…after surgery.. and not just once but one, two, five surgeries later. To see their horror when nurses strap them down to tables like they are rag dolls to get iv’s in them. To wonder every minute of every hour of every day how much time your child has left. Seriously, while you think your post is nice, there is nothing “better” about how a child dies. NONE. And May is right about Facebook. It has become a perfect social experiment in how interesting the human race can actually be. I put a post up of our christmas tree falling and it got 32 remarks and 30 likes. The very next day I put a post up of our dear friend who has relapsed with Neuroblastoma and politely asked for friends to help sign a petition to help keep legislators from cutting more money from Childhood Cancer funding. Ya know what? I got SIX replies. SIX. Please think about this. And then stop reading and commenting on this board.

Nance

Prayer to the one, true living God does fix things. I have personal experience with results. True, many things we can fix with hard work and joining with others and we should do that. Yet, often what happens is out of our control; but not out of God’s – so prayer is effective then.

kim

You took the thoughts right out of my head. I am saddened for all parents who lose their children. It is a loss that I can only hope I will never feel. People must be really niece if they think this would never happen again. The media plays a big part in this. They make these people celebrities to the mentally unstable. I wish the media would focus on what’s going on everyday to children.

Michelle

I know I am one in a million blog readers. I have followed your blog since Taylor sang your beautiful song. I have read from the beginning your beautiful story of Ronan. You may never read this cement but after months of reading and following I have an overwhelming urge to share how Ronan has affected me. I, too, have twins that are 14 (girls) and a new baby boy that will be 2 in February. My husband and I had our twins in 1998. They were and are healthy and perfect. Our hearts desired just one more child and we tried for him for 9 years. We endured 3 very ugly miscarriages complete with surgical removal. Countless obstetricians telling us “there is nothing wrong – it just happens sometimes”. We finally gave up and moved on. Content with our “party of 4″. And then in 2010 I again came up pregnant. I was 32 then – felt way too old for this. No excitement present. We were so desensitized to the whole pregnancy thing at this point. I made an appointment. All was well – for now I thought. Still no excitement. My belly grew. We found out at 14 weeks it was a boy. Could this really be happening? Is it for real this time? My entire pregnancy was a countdown to 24 weeks ( a viable pregnancy in the medical world). I am an RN and know too much – which didn’t help matters. On February 11, 2011 my water broke at 1230am while I was sleeping. We rushed to the hospital and he was born at 227am. He wasted no time thank goodness because I worried with every contraction. Just waiting for something to go wrong. But it didn’t. Kyle was a perfectly healthy baby boy. The moment they handed him to me I knew I would NEVER let him go. I still worry – but not as often. His perfection perplexes me. I feel like I know your bond with Ro as Kyle and I share that same bond. The very thought of something happening to him hurts me to my core. I hate that you know this pain firsthand. I hate that horrible things happen to good people. I wish I had the answers but I don’t. I also might mention I am an oncology nurse. I am in an adult clinic and for good reason – I know in my heart I can’t watch children suffer. I administer the same chemotherapys Ro endured on a daily basis. I get angry there isn’t a cure. I get angry that innocent people suffer. But I smile and find comfort that there are people out there working to change this such as yourself. Im not sure I could shine like you in the face of such ugliness. Here are some things I have learned through you and Ronan – tomorrow is not promised so today shall be grand — Ice cream all over his face and clothes (who cares he is washable) he wants me to play in his room at the exact moment I have 50 things to do – screw it – lets play. Crying because he doesn’t want to go to bed – who said its “time” for bed anyway – lets watch a movie! I love that you aren’t afraid to say what you think and feel – you shouldn’t be. You are as entitled to state your piece as the next person. I love that you aren’t afraid to say fuck – because frankly its warranted sometimes. I love that Ronan had all of you in his short life – how wonderful to be so loved. I love that his life has inspired you to move mountains – and I have no doubt you will. If you were in Texas I would hug you forever – for everything you were, are, and will be. I love that soon you will have a little princess to ruffle up. I love that she will put a bandage on your broken heart. That wound will never heal but a bandage will help. I would like to extend my hand as a mother, nurse, and frontline cancer warrior. I would help you in any way I can. Just call on me! I love you all! I hope this life gets better for all of you. And that baby Ronan (who I am convinced is the most beautiful child I’ve ever laid eyes on) – those eyes were given to him for a reason – they pierce me and make me want to do better everyday.

Very well said.I don’t know why it takes tragedies to wake people up. I learned empathy when the casket of my daughter was closed years ago. I felt the very life if not some of my soul sucked out of me. It was at that moment I knew life would never ever be the same. I wanted to kill the people who said senseless things about God./ NO. NO. No. No. You are all so wrong. Hod did not have anything to do with it. I did not need to be taught a “lesson” in life. What kind of God do you serve? We live in a fallen world where other forces are here too. God did not take Holly. Is she safe and happy? No doubt but the hole cant ever totally go away. I learned to not hear what was being said. She was my daughter and I wanted her. No well said words could take that away. I learned I was to control my grief and not cause anyone to feel uncomfortable because I was clearly getting out of control. No one saw my raw grief because I was suddenly alone. People weren’t there. No calls. No one saw me running to the mailbox every single day to hear from someone who knew what I was going through. But they weren’t in the mailbox. They didn’t come through the phone and I huddled in my home in a corner screaming as long and loud as I needed too. Then we passed some invisable time where I was to suck it up and get over it. “IT” WAS MY BABY. It lived for a brief moment But IT was gone. I learned to put on my face every day and give people what they wanted. What made them feel comfy with a crazy lady acting like I was. I wrote my journals. 28 years ago I named them the writings of a mad woman. Mad as in the head. Mad as oh hell yeah I was angry.I went on like a clown through life being want people wanted me to be. I had other children because according to the Dr. I was young. I could have more. What kind of a stupid people would say that? Obviously no one who lived 9 months carrying my baby and looking forward to her being here with ME.I learned then in a cruel way that people weren’t going to be there and guess what? NEITHER was God as I screamed out to him and against him day after day. I don’t regret one single second I have had with my children. I knew inside of me that they could be taken at any time. I boiled inside of me watching people treat their children bad and wanted to tell them, you could lose that child at any time and oh the regrets you will have.Was I a perfect parent? In no way. But I knew the value of a child. I will have to say I didn’t watch any of the coverage of the horrific killings in the world. I cant wrap around it. I didn’t read any of it on fb either. It blows my mind that it take something like that to wake people up. I am grieving a family who is losing their child a little more each day to a total beast called cancer. The anger and deep down sadness I feel for them sucks the life out of me. How can people stand by and watch their child be taken from them? Why do children have to got through this horrific pain and maybe not know what is happening or maybe not know how to deal with it and not understand why or maybe even cope with the pain? That could be justified? I can’t know what they are feeling. No one can, but I do know the feelings when you lose your child. It was all well intended but I did not want to hear about God needing a Rose for his garden. I did not want to hear “call anytime you need to” I laughed a evil laugh inside when I heard that because I can assure that they really DID NOT want me to call. I don’t know how you “properly” deal with the loss of a child. I do know thinking about what they are going through tears my heart. I know it was a roller coaster ride and for some reason I thought it was in some order. Once I “got through” a phase it was over. That was not true. So I assumed I was doing it wrong. Does not mean I don’t feel the pain all these parents are going through. My heart breaks for anyone who loses a child no matter how. I do not know how to deal with things of this magnitude. I do know all of their lives will never be the same. You work through the messy, nasty ordeal of grieving for lost children no one should ever have to do. The shock of losing a child is so big, I got horribly stuck. Parent should never have to bury a child. I do know God could show up and the “WHY’S” were never ending for me. The guilt that I did something wrong still linger. I don’t believe in miracles so much anymore. I can be happy when they happen for others but can’t come up with why. Who decides who get’s them and who doesn’t. It’s one of my unanswered questions. I feel the pain of the parents. All of them. I know what the holidays can do to people when everything is “normal” and they sure aren’t this year for a lot of people. I pray when I can. I don’t know how to pray. I pray for the very heavy heart and souls of the parents. I pray for no pain for kids but we do still live in a fallen, evil world. I wipe my tears and try not to figure out how people grieve. There is no handbook for grief. To all these parents, just know people are with you in spirit and grieving with you. The precious soul and life of a child is something I will never know. I know they are precious in Jesus sight but that doesn’t do much good. In the end, I have NO answers at all. Just feeling a lot of peoples pain.

Your words are inspirational. I, too, couldn’t put my feelings into words and the facebook status’ on Friday … I couldn’t even bare to comment on any of them. Exactly what you said – I felt! YOU are an inspiration to me. I am on the front lines battling cancer with my son, Caleb now…. and forever will be a VOICE for these kids.
Caleb’s Mama

Maya, my heart breaks for you. Ronan dying should not have happened. Please, if you run into any Jehovah’s witnesses please hear what they have to say. Thay can tell you where Ronan is and they you can show you solid proff you will be re united with him in the future. I know he is at peace, sleeping like a sweet baby should. I pray every day that you find comfort in knowing that Ronan is not in pain and is asleep in death. Just like when we are asleep and at peace, that is where he is. Please please pray to know where ur little boy is.

maureen

Yep you’ve hit the nail on its head! I’m gonna post a link to this blog entry as my FB status cause it’s the most sensible response I’ve heard since news broke out of the Newtown massacre. All the morons flapping their gums with their moronic political opinions need to STFU and step back from their computers for a few hours to get perspective. I literally deleted 9 facebook “friends” over the weekend because of their dumbass comments.

None of us know why this happened…the point is 20 babies (plus 6 teachers) are now dead and people need time to mourn and reflect rather than point fingers and screech about things they don’t know about.

maureen

An article I just read about a mom who describes herself as “Adam Lanza’s mother”. Might be an interesting read if you are a parent (or just curious about the types of issues that result in these horrific acts of violence): http://gawker.com/5968818/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother. I don’t know anything about psychological problems, but good God these people need help more than anything, and like Maya said, prayers are not enough.

I understand your anger, a lot. My brother was killed in a traumatic car accident a little over 7 years ago. I watched my mother grieve deeply and heavily and openly for a very long time afterward. I’m a church-going praying girl from a church-going praying family, so when people didn’t know how to help, they offered prayer. But I think, so often in those moments, the assumption is that people are praying to bring back what was lost or to some how have it rectified. But I think that’s as misconstrued as the notion that “God just wanted another flower in his garden,” is somehow comforting after the loss of loved one. The prayers are for peace and for comfort and for healing and for protection from things like the paparazzi monsters that will bombard these families during the most horrific and incomprehensible event of their lives. I say all of this for one reason: just because it’s unfathomable to you in your grief for prayer to be a comfort, doesn’t disqualify it for someone else that’s grieving. It doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing to say. It means it’s the wrong thing to say to you. But I will tell you that I pray for you and your family because I know how damned hard it is to move forward after a traumatic loss, how hard it is to feel like there’s not a gaping hole inside. I pray for your kids because they get to carry on Ronan’s legacy, too. I pray that you DO kick cancer’s ASS right off the planet because that’s where it deserves to be. (I also support cancer research financially, not just with prayer.)

And yes, I’m praying for the families of Newtown, CT. But I’m also praying for the Lanza family. They have a miriad of shit to work through, too. I’m praying because I can’t change the past, but I can pray for those families to heal and to find some sort of relief from the torment that they are experiencing. I’ve personally experienced the power of prayer in the most devistating moments of my life, so yes. I pray and I say that I am praying. But I don’t pretend like that deminishes their pain or where they are.

I love reading your posts and how hard you’re fighting to save all these babies from the evil of cancer. I usually don’t comment because honestly, I can’t relate one bit. I know that your family has crawled in my heart and I cheer for you when you break new ground with the foundation and I bought Ronan the second I heard the song. I hope you don’t feel that I am attacking you by what I have said here, I just wanted to offer another perspective on prayer from someone who has had a loved one taken from them without any rhyme or reason.

Dawn Anderson

You will be happy to know that you’ve lost another reader of your blog – ME. I will never understand your bitterness and anger towards people who pray. You seem to assume that people who pray just sit back and do nothing but that. How do you know what else those people are doing to change things? You spout off about how family and love are the most important things in life. You’re all about peace and love and harmony but talk about punching people in the face. You say you don’t wish the pain you’re going through on anyone but I really think you wish it on those of us who pray or believe in God. I truly believe it would put a smile on your face to know that someone who uses a nanny or daycare or who maybe sometimes loses their temper with their kids (like you have too but apparently have forgotten) loses that child to cancer, an accident or a tragedy. I can understand anger as part of the grieving process but yours is SO strong and aimed at people who had nothing to do with Ronan’s cancer. I see such a disconnect in what you say you are trying to do with the rest of your life in honor of Ronan with the things you post here. It’s ironic that you don’t believe in God but seem to have a god complex. Your readers feed this by never arguing with what you say and fluffing you up by telling you how awesome you are. The great and powerful Maya. She will change the entire world. Everyone will do things the way she wants. If you don’t, you get punched in the face.

In the beginning, I could almost feel the pain of your loss through your words. Now the only thing I see is bitterness and anger. You should talk to your “Dr. JoRo” about that if you haven’t already. I’m going to take your advice and focus on the beautiful and important things in life. Your blog is ugly.

NGM

Maya, what do you mean when you say that you knew Ronan wouldn’t be here forever? That gave me such chills. Was it just motherly instinct so deep within- you knew?- it sounds like you are saying that you felt this way before he was diagnosed with cancer…?
Peace and love.

Sam

It is cruel for people to say that the kids who survived at the Newtown School did so because God was watching over them. WTF? As if the kids who were shot were not worthy? This way of thinking makes truly no sense to me. This life is random, senseless, beautiful, and chaotic. Like Nature itself… we just never know where we are going to land within it. Ever.

erin riek

Dawn Anderson, I loved your post. I cant believe some people put more trust and love into Taylor Swift over god. Don’t get me wrong, I like Taylor Swift, she is cute and talented, a little bit desperate and needy though ( I really like the song “we were never ever ever actually together” on youtube)but she contributes as do many other celebs that I actually cannot stand like the Kardashions. So as much as I cannot stand the K’s why should we all not be grateful for what they do give?? It seems hypocritical. When it comes to celebs, no matter what you think, its all about publicity when it comes to giving. I love Brett Micheal’s..when he was trashy on Rock of Love. I will admit, it was pure trashy entertainment. That was back when his babies mamma was living at their home and he was off having sex, or pretend sex for ratings but whatever it was, that was who he was. Washed out and seeking publicity, kinda like the K family. His wife was at home and he was cheating on her. But now that he has had a brain Aneurysm and his diabetes is kicking in from all his partying, he has decided to settle down and actually pretend to care and try to make a difference. If he really had a passion, he would have been doing it long ago when he was really making the money. And if you can forgive him now for being a complete doushbag at that time, then you should forgive the K family…right?? But anyways good for you Brett, I appreciate that! Thats fantastic that people can forget about all your indiscretions when its convenient for them, but they seem to overlook others because they happen to not be contributing to a certain cause, or they feel they aren’t real because they cannot be seen(god).
I had posted something earlier on this blog but then worried that what I said was to harsh but after reading other posts, Its good to see that I am not the only one offended. I use to think in the beginning when I first read this blog, that I could totally hang out with this girl Maya. She is witty, cute, has a great sense of style, an ear for music(minus pearl jam) and extremely compassionate, but later I realized I could never be myself or feel comfortable complaining just about normal everyday things. Yes, I truly deeply love my children, especially my only boy Henry who is almost 3. Blond hair, blue eyes and to me, the most handsomest boy on this planet, but he is a huge pain in my ass! He drives me batty almost every day and I wine about him every freaking day! But I love him no matter what, and If anything ever happened to him my heart would shatter into a million pieces, that still doesn’t mean that I can’t complain. Its human nature, its normal, and I feel your friends, as much as they probably say it isn’t so, must feel like they have to keep a lot of their true feelings bottled up as to not offend you or make themselves seem like they are ungrateful for still having their children around. That must be very hard for them. They for that, are truly great friends I guess. I hope you can one day find peace and know that your sweet son is with God. Yes, I said it!! Ronan is with God!

taima

Wow you must really have a close relationship with brett michaels since u know all about his health, bank account, and family! Congratulations! Why dont u and dawn go start your own blog all about jesus? Maybe between the two of you you can get like a hundred followers…..while maya has millions who admire her for her strength and dtermination….this nation is becoming more and more progressive and less god obsessed every day so u people should get used to bein the minority…..soon gay people will be able to get married everywhere its only a matter of time so ur just gonna have to cry to jesus about the horror of it all because only ur imaginary friend will give a shit….this blog is about maya and ronan and nobody gives a fuck about your opinion on here….i guess i do because im responding but wow u guys just talkin shit is sooooo not christian like….would jesus really give a fuck about talkin about brett michaels and his “sin”? Or would he be out in the world doing good and spreading love and kindness like ms. Maya is doin?

taima

And there is a ton of difference between the kardashians and taylor swift and brett michaels….the main one being talent….who wouldnt wanna be rich and famous but at least swift and michaels actually have musical talent and didnt get famous off the back of a porno with ray j…..anybody can have sex but not everybody can do what swift and brett michaels have done with their music…..keeping up with the kardashian is nothing but a show that encourages vapid shallow narcissism and endorsement deals :) have a great day! I heart rockstar ronan.

Phaedra

I have no words – some of these commenters crack me up. This is your blog, say what you want – the beauty of free will is that these people don’t have to read it – they are free to go on their merry way. I will apparently continue to blow smoke up your butt because I have no problem with your posts and yes, like others think you say what many of us think but are too afraid to say…..hang in there.

Dawn Anderson and Erin, i have something to say to you…although since you think this blog is so ugly you may not read it. Do you not get that this blog and Maya’s writing isn’t for you or anyone else? She is not writing it to be a role model. she is writing it to be brutally honest, to get her thoughts out that are floating around in her head, to heal. If you don’t like what she has to say then bye bye. The minute she starts censoring herself to be politically correct and have to cater to idiots like you is the minute she should stop writing this blog…we are voyeurs on her heartwrenching journey for the most part. And your comments make you even MORE ugly than you attack her for being. You don’t have to agree with everything she says. But to say you are offended is ridiculous. Who gives a shit if you’re offended. She isn’t here for you. As the saying goes, “Don’t go away mad, just go away!”

Emily

Okay, I have already commented on this post, but I really have to do it again after reading some of the BRAINLESS comments from last night I received. I cannot believe some of the comments on this blog. I commented on my post that I do believe that prayers alone can fix things sometimes, it has happened. But, no one granted prayer is more important than ANY other. God never intended us to ONLY pray. ACTION is also needed, as Maya said “Faith and Fight”. It says in the Bible in James 2 that Faith without works is dead. I believe that is what Maya was referring to. How dare some of you call yourself Christians and judge openly the heart of someone who has suffered such a loss! I believe it’s called bullying, and it’s immature and completely not Christian, what an example you are setting. You win people to Christ by example and by the love you show, not like that. I may not always agree, but I look so forward to reading this blog because it gives me such a different outlook on life and a refreshed perspective I never had before. Its devastating that it is through Maya’s loss so many people have changed their outlook on their daily stupid complaining about dumb stuff. I always think of Ronan now when I hear silly things and now try to tell my 2 beautiful girls the positive side of everything because of this sweet beautiful boy that died. To my oldest who is upset over braces “you know what you will have a beautiful smile soon, so suck it up cupcake”. To my husband who is stressed out over his demanding job & has to travel way too much “your very lucky to have a good job and a wonderful family to come home to”. To the uneducated readers that post dumb things, who said they put more trust into Taylor Swift than God? And who said anything about Kardashians? Or Brett Michaels? Do you think Maya or anyone for that matter care that you won’t read this blog?!?!?!?! Take your negative comments somewhere else, and get a life.

P.S. The song is “We are never ever ever getting back together” by Taylor Swift, not the dumb thing you said.

Erin

Erin/Dawn….If you don’t like what she writes stop fucking reading. She is not asking anyone to read this. You do not have to read this to complete your day. It is a blog. Her blog. Her opinion. Don’t judge people by their opinions. Have you ever lost a child? No one knows what she is going through unless you have been in her shoes. And no one has. No two situations are alike. So stop fucking judging. Please stop reading her blog if you are going to post stupid shit. I’ve been reading/supporting her since Ronan was first sick. So fuck off. And FUCK YOU CANCER. .

Liz

Amy

Ladies… Thank you for commenting on the utter ridiculousness of Erin and Dawn’s posts because I’ve been fired up about them all day but was away from my computer and couldn’t leave a comment. You summed it all up beautifully… I just have a couple of things to add.

Dawn… Are you fucking serious? Why on earth would Maya give a rats butthole that she lost you as a reader, you ass clown? Are you fucking kidding me? It appears the only thing “lost” here, is your mind and your sense of reality because you seem to have forgotten that this blog has NOTHING to do with you. Maya is not writing to you, or Erin, or that physciatric nurse freak by the name of Kim Richards. She is writing to her precious Ronan, the beautiful boy who was snatched out of her arms by FUCK NUT CANCER so why the fuck would you think it was appropriate to alert her that she lost you as a reader? Do you actually think she’s trying to win some literary award or get her blog onto the New York Bestseller list? Really, you narcissist idiot? Take your cold hearted bullshit comments and find somewhere else to lurk. Do Maya a favor- unsubscribe to her blog and quietly hit the road!

As for you, Erin… All your post did was confirm that you are a judgemental babbling idiot. I’m quite certain you don’t know a damn thing about the lovely Taylor Swift or Bret Michael, for that matter. Besides, what he does in his personal life with his significant other is no one’s business but their own so butt the fuck out! Saying you could never “hang” with Maya because she would make you uncomfortable when you complain about your 3 year old driving you crazy, is nothing short of comical. It’s foolish to even waste your time on those thoughts as I assure you, you will never have the opportunity to be in the presence of such a beautiful soul. Oh and one more thing… I was laughing hysterically when Emily pointed out the fact that you made up your own lyrics to Taylor’s song. You know what that tells me? That you flap your gums carelessly, without thinking through what you are saying, and that you’ll say whatever the fuck you want regardless if you can back it up with the truth. Go join Dawn and the other brainless fucks and judge away. Just don’t ever do it on the blog of a grieving mama, especially that of Maya Thompson.

I love you Maya Thompson… I love you, and Ronan, and Woody, and the twins, and that little Poppy seed growing in your belly. I will never judge you… I will only listen to your feelings and keep you close to my heart. I will never understand this childhood cancer bullshit, but I have nothing but faith in you and your ruthless quest to find mercy for our babies.

Stacy

I live a few towns over from Newtown. Newtown is devastated by what took place on December 14th. I have to say, i normally could care less what people post on facebook, but I was annoyed by comments even some my own family members posted. No one knows what to say when someone dies, let alone a child…so I decided not to say anything at all publicly until now. Some of your words Maya were in my head. I wish I didn’t know these children’s names, I wish the world didn’t know Newtown based on this incident, I wish the media would leave these families alone, I wish the kids that did survive could go back to normalcy instead of the circus that became of their town. I think everyone grieves differently and judging Maya for her feelings about God and prayer doesn’t make anyone a good christian. No one knows how anyone else feels, even if you’ve lost a child as well. And I can’t believe that this is the world we live in. We attack a grieving mother for her feelings. We try to shove our faith and feelings down one anothers throats. GUESS WHAT? There is no right or wrong way. IT SUCKS! I hate to sound like a hippie but what ever happened to just loving everyone? Remove god and prayer from the equation and talk about humanity. Nothing that is going on right now makes any sense to me. Cancer, tragedies, mental health issues, autism, diabeties, ADHD…I can go on forever. So to Maya…I am sorry I know your beautiful Ronan because cancer took him. Everyone else…stop and think. When you want to write, do, or say something out of anger make sure it’s coming from love. To the christians…what would Jesus do?

First of all…exactly. Everything you said. Second…you are beautiful with all of your open feelings and thoughts. Anyone who says otherwise? They are not worth the span of a second of your consideration.

celeste

I had the same disappointment in the responses of posting of “hugging my children even tighter” or shout outs about how this is a reminder to us about how precious our children are….i too think it is crap that people do not see the gifts they have in their littles. These are the same people that are not grateful for the other blessings they have in their lives though. My children are my world! I am thankful for every day, night and moment. I take mental snapshots all day…just to remember this exact minute with them. Do I get tired and run down as a mom, yes…but never tired of my gifts!

Maya – keep doing what you are doing. I continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. You are doing a great job just surviving one day at a time and that is all you can do. I know that you try not to let the negative things people say hurt you and I know that it hurts you still the same but remember they don’t have understand the place you are coming from because they will never experience the exact pain you are feeling. I did hug my kids tight that day because I get busy sometimes and the idea of their death isn’t always in the forefront of my brain – it’s a luxury I have that was stolen from you. Also I can’t cope if I think about it all the time – I had to fight driving to school and picking my daughter up. I grieve for all that was stolen from you and your family. It seems so unfair. Please know that there are lots people that can read your posts, even when you are really angry or sad, who don’t get scared or mad about what you say because what you are writing is real. I wish you could feel our support. I wish I could make things better for you.