No matter how many times I try, I can never master the smiling-with-your-eyes trick that the lovely miss Tyra Banks of ANTM (best.show.EVAR) has made so very famous. I’ve probably watched every episode of ANTM at least twice, but still I cannot get it down. I either look like I’m vaguely squinting at something in the far off distance or else I’m actually smiling. With my mouth.

Luckily for me, Miss Tyra has given a few tips that I will go home and practice in front of the mirror tonight. (Drunk).

The Surprise Smile: “We’re not smiling like the surprise is real — it’s not ‘OMG, are you serious?'” It’s a hand to the cheek, and a gasp. Remember, the surprise isn’t like, swine flu or an unexpected breakup; it’s more of a “I forgot my contacts at home!”

The Catalogue Smile: “Put the left foot forward, and turn your head ahead as if there’s wind whipping you that way, and smile with your hand on your head and parted teeth. So walk forward with your hand on your right cheek, and step with your left foot, so your booty sticks out.”

The Angry Smile: Save this one for “bitches.” You move a hand to your hip, look forward, “dip that booty to the right,” and let your face say “Okay, okay, okay, uh-huh.”