Saturday, December 3, 2016

I am feeling the need to write again. I have lots of thoughts that I want to express on Facebook, but I don't want to actually go back to Facebook. If I do, I'll have a lot of thoughts I don't want.

I finished knitting Lilly's dress. I need to sew on buttons and I want to put a liner of fabric under the yoke, so it won't stretch as much. Her leggings and long sleeve undershirt have been ordered. It took me 8 months to knit that. It was the longest, hardest project I've ever done. I learned a lot and I loved doing it.

Next, I knit a baby sweater for Damian in one month. I loved knitting it, but I was dissapointed. The size was suppose to be newborn, but it'll fit him better in a few months. :/ The yarn also tends to stretch too much. I think I missed gauge, even though I knit a swatch. I don't think I actually measured the second set of needles I used in the swatch and just assumed it worked. I knit socks for him out of the yarn in a smaller needle, and those turned out far too big too. I found even smaller needles, knit a new swatch, and am starting on a hat. Hopefully this will work.

It's so strange. This yarn size says I should use a size 6 needle to get gauge, but I need to use size 3! And I don't think I knit all loosey goosey. I want to take a class to learn more about yarn size and labelling. I just don't understand it from reading about it. I think I need to touch and see the yarn in person to understand how it's sized.

Next I'm knitting a hat for me. I already knit the hat once a few years ago, but it didn't fit. I frogged it, and I'm going to start over. I love the yarn and I want that hat!!!

On a different note, I started editing some letters to the editor of our paper for a friend. Then she did a super switch up on me! She said, Well, I'm already sending this letter in this week, so you should put your name on the bottom of that one and send it in. And I didn't get the email telling me that until 5 min before I was suppose to load a newborn and a 3 yr old into a car. There was no time to think! So, I wrote a letter to the editor of our paper asking people to march for peace and nonviolence on Dec 10 in Grant. I am super nervous. But excited. It's exactly the sort of action I would promote. She wants me to write the letter for January too. The only thing is, I won't be at the Grant march in December, as that is my birthday! I will be eating bisquits and sausage gravy at that time.

I also called my representative! I asked him to support the Paris Climate Change deal and not let Trump remove the US from it. What a terrible thing we might do. I am so scared if we do. I told someone I called, and she automatically assumed I called about the pipeline protests out in the Dakotas. I don't fight for the Indians any more. They made it clear to me they don't want White Man's help and they can handle their own problems. Also, as we run out of easy fossil fuels, we'll eventually all have pipelines in our backyards, unless we change our oil and gas use.

Monday, August 1, 2016

I can't stop spending money! So far though, it's just all in my mind. The stuff I have bought is actual stuff we need. Like diapers, wipes, new baby face rags, and to replace sippy cup washing things. What I want is super sweet electronic stuff that will connect to any smart device...like if I had a smart light, if I flipped the thing over, it would turn on the light. Then if I shook it, it would shut my garage door. Or whatever I want b/c I am the one who programs it.

I want a filofax planner. But if you give me a filofax, I'm going to want a lazer jet printer so I can print out all of my planner refill pages. And I'm going to want a sweet special pen to go in it. Because they come with an elastic pen holder sewed onto the planner. Filofaxes are european and there are tons and tons of blogs and debates about them all. Oh, and as I am smart, I plan on buying pre-designed page inserts off of etsy to print off at my own home. Cause designing that shit is hard as hell if you don't have the right programs. Which I don't. Nor do I have the time. I know this b/c as mentioned above, I am smart.

What else do I want? Well, I always want a Fossil bag. Always. I have one now, used, from a yard sale. Best purse of my life. Not even joking. The magnet on top is so strong sometimes my keys stick to it. BONUS! Cause then it's super easy to find my keys in the giant bag. It is very large and holds a lot, but is built in a way that it holds it all and still closes! And it rests on my shoulder perfectly. It doesn't slide off.

There is a Biggby Coffee in Fremont now. I have never been to a Biggby before. I didn't know it, but today was their first day open. It was busy, there was a creepy moving manican out front, and balloons all over the floor. I wanted a double latte and a Shot in the Dark. Those were not on the wall menu as they are not super sugary extra expensive drinks. So I thought. The manager they brought in who knew what they were doing had to help the woman at the counter take my order. No big deal. I got my double latte frozen. Which turns out that means make me ice cream flavored like sugar with a hint of coffee. Sigh. It was not a latte mixed blended with ice. It was sugar blended with milk and ice and a bit of coffee. I dont' know what happened or how I ordered wrong. Next time when they are not busy, I'll have a discussion about what I really want and what I need to say in order to get that. I like my lattes without sugar. No sugar. none. Oh and i got a small cup of donut holes to go with the two mediam (grande) drinks I got. It came to $10!!! Hah. I laughed when she said that. There may not be a next time. I also enjoy my nescafe instant coffee Josh gets super cheap from the Gerber Store. I like it more than the sugar coffee drink I got today. Also, I think Josh's shot in the dark (one espresso shot mixed with regular coffee) was actually a double shot. I dont' know how that got ordered. But it was their first day so I'm not hating.

Friday, July 15, 2016

I'm sad today. I woke up at 5am when Josh got up, and like usual, don't fall back asleep until 7, right before Lilly gets up. Today I spent the time thinking about sad things and how it seems the world is getting worse.

I did stretch and somewhere in my hip a bone cracked and all of the sudden the pain was gone. The I can't move or stand pain left. How wonderful.

I wish we could all see our own prejudices and closed mindedness. It'd probably be pretty painful. Sometimes I think that's what God's getting at when he says do not judge and do be humble. They seem to go hand in hand.

Lilly and Josh had fevers all week. I was a terrible caretaker. I wasn't sick, but it was soooo hot and humid I felt sick. I couldn't move. It was 85 degrees in the house, humid, and I felt like I was going to die. Lilly and Josh had the chills, and were covered in blankets. Lilly wanted to cuddle me with her blankets, but it was like hugging a woodstove. She was just burning! I couldn't handle the added heat! My tiny baby was sick and I just couldn't cuddle her and make her feel better. I'm so sad.

Oh and Ackbar is visiting this week too. He and Lilly and Josh all needed food first before the pregnant woman. Things were not happy in our house hold.

Yesterday we went to a free community event we signed up for. It was to promote physical acitivity and healhty eating. It was at the local gym. We got barely grilled veggies without any salt or sauce, grilled chicken without salt or sauce, and cut up veggies in a ton of ranch dressing. And a frozen fruit popsicle thing for desert. It made me feel good after eating it, but...it was full of summer squash and zuchinni, almost raw, with no salt. BLEH. I ate it to be a good example for Lilly. I did have to dip it in all the extra ranch. Then we had to do 7 of 11 activities. Lilly loved it b/c we kept moving from one thing to another and it involved lots of running (for her). She even got to try basketball, like the neighbor boys. Josh and I realized that it's been YEARS and YEARS since we picked up a basketball and threw some hoops. Just, years. I think the last time we were in Mount Pleasant at CMU. I realized that I am awesome at dribbling the ball and that I enjoy throwing the ball at the basket and make it in more than expected. Don't get me wrong, I will not play it. But I like the parts of basketball in a none competative environment a lot. It was one of the sports I remember playing as a kid at home.

At the event, a woman running it, gave me a hard time for sitting down instead of being active with my family. I smiled on the outside, and on the inside I was so mad. I was told we can participate at our own levels! And my body told me if I stood up any longer I would die. And I did. We got home and I could NOT move or function and laid down and did not get up again until this morning.

I need to go clean my house. Guess what didn't get done when it was hot and everyone had the chills?

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Everyone is sick. Lilly doesn't feel sick, but she is, so she's stuck inside. Josh is sick. They all of chills and fevers. It's HOT out and humid and our house is worse. Then people who are the temperature of woodstoves want to cuddle me with a blanket on me. I am not happy.

My house is hot and a mess.

I saw a yellow light and it was old, and then just as I was about to cross the intersection, it turned red. I kept on rolling. It's what Josh call's an "Antioch Red", which means, if the oncoming traffic hasn't moved yet, you can still get through. It's hte only way to get anywhere in Antioch.

Then I came to the next light in downtown, and I was going 20 mph, 5 under the speed limit, and the same thing happened, and I just rolled on through. Then I heard someone honk in an obnoxious angry way. But none of the cars at the intersection were even moving yet...I couldn't figure it out. So I figured it had something to do with the firetrucks in front of me. They were all being moved around and taking up the whole road. I had to stop anyways to wait for them.

Then a cop car pulls up behind me and puts on my lights. Ugh. He gets out and asks me what happened. Ummm...how do you say "I ran a red light" with out making it sound like I was blatently breaking a law? I was also tired, slow and full of pregnancy brain. I said, I saw it change as I went through but it was too late to stop. The cop says "Okay. A state trooper saw you run through and honked." I said, "Yeah, I heard that..I couldn't figure out where it came from." And he says "yeah, he called me and I said I'd stop to see when was happening." Then I said "Okay, I'm sorry?" B/c I didn't really know if he was the right person to apologize to for being human. He seemed to understand. Then he left.

I told Josh and his response was that the state trooper was probably a douche. And that makes perfect sense. That cop probably didn't want to pull me over any more than I didn't want to stop at that light...but he had to do his job b/c a state trooper made him.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

The garbage man and the recycling man came this morning to pick up my trash. That is also amazing. I pay 5$ a month or so for that privilege.

I do not live in Venezuela. I have food to eat. Not only that, the government gave me $20 to spend at local farmers markets for Project Fresh, to help WIC people get more fresh food and help stimulate the local economy. That is amazing.

I am not as afraid of being shot or raped as a person in Nigeria, South Sudan, Syria, and other parts of the world. That is sad.

I have a home. Even if I don't like it and blame my house for making my new rug look bad, I do get to live in it and it meets my needs. That is amazing. It meets my basic needs, not my first world problem needs. The utility sink is not really for using...it is a filter to slow the draining washer water so the basement doesn't flood. I have to go somewhere else to wash my Teva sandals...90's version.

Which reminds me. I wore my Teva's in lake water, then I left them in my hot hot hot car on a 90 degree day, wrapped in a plastic bag, still wet. Bad Idea. The smell was terrible. I couldn't wear them until I washed them.

Okay, my child has requested mac and cheese, toast and jam and a pear. This is the first tiem ever she has requested this much food. or food that wasn't candy. I have to feed her!

Friday, June 24, 2016

So England is leaving the EU. I really didn't think it would pass and that they would. Like the rest of the world. What do you think about it? Right now is the first time I wish I had FB since I quit b/c I want to know what different people in the US or out are thinking about it. I would compare it to situations occurring in the US right now and other such stuff, but you can just to a worthy newsource and find out yourself.

I made strawberry Jam yesterday with my mom's help and kitchen! They are beautiful. I bought four quarts and made about 10 jars of jam (9 for me and the extra in a jar for my mom) and two bags of cleaned berries to be frozen. I thaw them in the winter to put in Lilly's smoothies. I bought a quart of berries two days before and didn't eat them, so the next day, they were too squishy to eat, so I cleaned them, added sugar, and blended them to freeze for a wintertime strawberry ice cream sauce. Or...maybe mix into cake? Who knows!

So far I have stocked up on frozen rhubarb (they make excellent frozen teething sticks) and strawberries. I want to can peaches and make applesauce this year. That is my goal. It's going to be hard b/c I can't stand for that long and not be in pregnancy pain. I think Mandy is going to help my mom and I with the peaches and applesauce b/c she wants those too. I'm skipping on corn and green beans as my freezer is full. I may skip blueberries too b/c I froze those last fall and didn't use them! So so sad.

I am planning a picnic themed birthday party for Lilly. It's exclusive, yet casual. I'm only inviting her normal playdate friends, to keep it small and manageable. It's even being held at our normal playdate times! There will be "a lot plenty" of balloons and cake. I'm thinking I'll make it carrot cake with homemade cream cheese frosting, but it'll be in a rectangular glass dish. None of that fancy round two layer cake with frosting on the outside AND inside. Sigh. That's what I want to do, but I know reality and I know myself. It will keep me more sane if I do the simpler flat cake. I did entertain the idea of cupcakes for a few minutes, but then, I came to grips with reality. This party is going to be extreme and awesome and yet still fit into my limited energy and limited time lifestyle. The bonus part is that Josh is going to be there and he is super good at playing with kids outside, so he's incharge of games. I'm thinking an obstacle course and bubbles. The ages range from 5 to 1.5 yrs...so, nothing too organized.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Josh just came in from outside with Lilly, and found me crying silently at my computer. I had been reading the latest post by the Yarn Harlot. Again. I cried over it yesterday too. One of her daughters got married yesterday, and she was remembering how it was before everything was going to change that day.

Josh says I am sooo pregnant and smiles.

I'm sad and depressed today. He let me sleep in until 11:00. My coffee is making me feel better.

I miss the days before aps and smart phones and intrusive ads and constant data tracking. AVG has a pop up everyday asking me to buy their product instead of just use the free one. Bill Gates REALLY REALLY wants me to get Microsoft 10. As if. There is no minesweeper. You have to play your games online so that you can get ads with them, just like on my phone. No thank you. I don't need ads with my solitaire. Imagine all of the extra data tracking in it! I'm starting to sound like a crazy conspiracy theorist. I suppose I want to be paid for my data...and maybe, you say, I am b/c Mircrosoft 10 is free. But it's not, there's the darn ads and pop ups. I still pay for it with brain space being warped by the ads. I'm thinking of learning linux and going in deep to block ads and unwanted notifications. Someday, you know, when I have time.

I don't know what else. I spend more time undoing stitches than making stitches in the dress I'm knitting lilly. The more I assertively express myself, the angrier people I wish would support me, get. The books said that would happen.

I'm taking swimming aerobics at the gym, so I can exercise and be pregnant. I like doing that.

We aren't moving until the spring now b/c we have to save up money for closing costs. I don't want to live in town, but the only houses we can afford are in town. Maybe we'll move to newaygo, the houses are cheaper there. I have a feeling we would fit in better in Newaygo than in Fremont. I was once told that Newaygo schools have a drug problem, but I suppose I'd rather it be in the open and acknowledged, than hidden and shamed, like in Fremont. B/c just because no one knows there is a drug problem, doesn't mean there isn't one...and drugs are every where. Everywhere. I did not smoke pot in high school, but I did try to get alcohol. I could not get hte alcohol, but I have a feeling, I could have succeeded in getting the pot. This was before prescription drugs were what they are...or I was super naive on those.? Prescription drugs are what scare me most. I could go on and on on the lack of information, education and regulations of those.

Also, isn't it ironic (in the way that pisses me off) that the generation that created Say No To Drugs, are the most addicted to prescription drugs currently?

For Father's Day I got Josh a new shaving kit from Harry's. It's a german made online company that sells refill blades for 2$. The same men who started this company started a similar one that sells eye glasses for $99, any style, I dont' remember what that one is called. To find razor refill blades for my Gillette razor, I had to go to ebay to get the quantity I wanted for the price I wanted. I did not want to spend 18$ for 8 blades. So I got five for ten dollars. That should last me a year or so. :) I rarely shave. Also, it's cheaper for me to get the men colored ones than the women colored ones. Back to Harry's. Now when Josh needs new razors, I just place an order instead of going to Walmart. I hate walmart. I want to go right now b/c I want to buy stuff and I want to be in air conditioning. But I don't want to walk around and look at cheap crap made in another country reminding me that I can find higher quality for a similar price if I try harder. Walmart sucks out my soul and depresses me. Then I have to buy their southwestern chipotle salad in a wrap to make me feel better. It does.

Friday, June 17, 2016

If I was into social media, I would tell you that I got my inbox down to 58 emails! I feel better in life.

My round ligaments are stretching. Vandy failed to tell me that that was what this pain is called when I was pregnant with Lilly. Luckily, it's not as bad this time*. It is pretty much my least favorite pain of all time though.

*Yet.

I joined the local gym and am taking swim excersize classes now. I love them because no one keeps a beat to the music, many of the ladies chat while doing it, and I never feel like I'm about to die. Also, I don't look stupid, there is no left or right or quick switches....AND it's all underwater so no one sees my mistakes. The only problem is that it is 4:30 to 5:15, and Lilly is very very grumpy and cranky when I pick her up from the childcare center there. She doesn't want to leave. She cries. She wants to sit in the parking lot. She wants to look at the grass. What are these little flags for? It takes 5 min for her to get in the car and lots and lots of crying. She usually cries all the way home. She doesn't want the air on, she wants the windows open. She doesn't want her window open. I need to prepare her with snacks I think.

She doesn't eat enough. She doesn't sleep enough. All she does is run in circles and hop. I don't understand.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

I wish I could do more. My fav blogger and inspirational person, The Yarn Harlot, trains and then bikes 400 miles to raise money for AIDS, while knitting, writing, planning and hosting knitting events, and going on teaching/book tours. That's what I want to do. Only I don't bike ride. She says the same thing though. I suppose I would ride a bike, I don't spin in one of those bikes in the gym that don't move forward. I don't like any of those stationary machines. So. Boring.

I want to knit more. Did you know she knits socks AND a giant ass wedding shawl right now? I'm working on one tiny dress that has one GIANT problem. It took me weeks to fix it. Why so long? It was anxious work and I needed hours at a time to sit down and concentrate. That is sooo hard to come by. Hours with out tiny hands comign over and ripping whatever is in MY hands out and saying "Mommy, I want 'nack." I usually can get 15 min., more if I choose to sleep instead of work. And I always choose sleep. What happened to the dress? The Tiny Child decided to try it on while I was showering. She was so proud and happy of herself and it was the cutest thing I ever saw and I wanted to cry and scream and pull my hair at the same time. She pulled off about half the 210 stitches, and I had to go back and restring the whole thing, while trying to do it in pattern. It's a lace pattern...so it's all increases, decreases and yarn overs. I know that's redundant...yarn overs are increases! I went back a whole inch to where I was sure the lost stitches hadn't strung down to. Then I had to count 210 stitches while inserting my stitch markers...which I lost most of during all this time and work. So I had to make more. (just circles of yarn/fabric/whatever I have) Then I had to knit a round, and it turns out I was only 4 stitches short of my 210, what a blessing! I was sure I was going to be closer to 25 missing stitches. That first round I knit, I accidently did backwards, so since it's in the round, there were be a line in that spot where I knit where I should have purled, etc. I did NOT redo it. It'll just match all the dropped stitches I made previously in the yoke.

Today I shall go to the gym and walk one mile then lift my weights on my machines. Then I will spend one hour knitting. I recently joined the gym in town and they have daycare there for 2 hrs, as long as I don't leave the building. I guess this is like preparing for a charity excersize event and then knitting. Only there is no event and I will not do more than a brisk mile walk.

I should mention why I'm not pushing myself. I am in my second trimester of my second baby...I can't really do much more than one mile.

The Yarn Harlot does say that the keeping of her house is not always at it's cleanest. That's why she can do all those things. Also, the last of her three children left for college a year or two ago. That probably helps. I have to take notes of what I do now, so that when I have time in 15 yrs, I can write a book about it and go on book tours. I also have to get better at knitting.

Which is why I try to read knitting theory books. I don't like books with just patterns...I mean, I can get those for free online. But you can't find books that explain why you K2T vs SSK or why the way stitches lay on the needle is important, or how you decide what is the right or wrong side of your knitting.

Hells. I haven't even ventured into shaping! I think that will be my hardest (how to customize a pattern to fit my measurements), as it will require either, great intuition (what my mom has) or precise math (what I will use...and make many mistakes).

Thursday, April 14, 2016

I am out of practice writing, and I am angry at the world. I am angry because there are people richer than me. I am angry because there are people who own houses and I do not. I am angry because there are people poorer than me. I am angry because, Trump. I am angry because, Bernie.

I am angry because there is anger in me.

I want a bigger house. I want warmer weather (soon. soon.) . I want my child to stop asking what I'm doing, or what that stranger in the place is doing, or what that car is doing, or what is this book doing, or what is anything doing. And when I ask her what she thinks something is doing, she stairs at me, silently, like I'm an idiot. I want to freely express every opinion that pops into my head, without fear of judgement, and then ten minutes later, change that opinion.

I want to be heard and understood.

I want to make a decision about how I'm going to handle my child, and I don't want a well meaning more experienced person to second guess me or critique me, unless I ask. I'm aware their experience may be helpful and smart and maybe, just maybe, even right. But I am not the type of person who wants it. I want to figure it out all by myself. I always have been that way, forever. I'm fully aware that makes my life harder in ways. But I also learn all sorts of new things that way too.

I want to be able to write perfectly the first time so I don't have to go back and proof read. I want magic fingers that are typo free.

I want all of my friends to be baby free so they can hang out with me all the time, just like we used to do. I also want my friends to be happy. Some of us friends are going through hard times. Heh. I bet everyone is. I talked to one woman at a mother's group, and on the day her father died, she miscarried her 17 week old baby. And I sit around and mope about how hard my life has been and how no one understands me. Sheesh. We all got 98 problems, the Bible tells us so. I think. I've got a friend who's mom was my favorite Friend Mom, and she just passed away. I am grateful that my friend has a strong support group around her, and a baby and husband to distract her.

Do you know what I want most immediately? I want strangers to stop giving Lilly money for the candy machines! I want strangers to stop giving her free stuff! I want strangers to stop insisting I buy Lilly whatever food/thing in the grocery store she happened to talk about and be super cute about. I know bananas are super cheap, but it just so happens that I have 8 bananas at home...I don't need or want to buy her more, just to make her happy. It's not like she's going to eat it.