Scarlett Johansson Looks Happy to Be Pregnant

If Scarlett Johansson were my Jewish daughter, I'd sit her down and tell her after reportedly banging Benicio Del Toro in an elevator, failing to be married to Ryan Reynolds, and doinking Sean Penn, it's time to find a nice accountant her own age and settle down. That's both horrible stereotyping and awesome life advice. Instead, Scarlett went Door #3 and got knocked up by a French journalist who wears leggings in public. I'm not digging through the stats to calculate the success rates of CPA husbands versus unwed baby daddy partnerships with French journalists who wear leggings, but I can't picture a CPA deciding to ditch cuddle time with Scarlett Johansson because the conflict in the Sudan has caused his dick to become gloomy.