Sacred Duty, Bleeding Heart

Chapter 19

The
morning of the third day after the Midwinter celebration was announced with the
sounding of the ceremonial drums, sending the rhythm like the heartbeat of the
mountain through the stone walls and galleries. Kili had suffered through his
mother’s fussing about his hair and clothes in silence and was now, together
with Dís, on the way to Fili’s halls.

They
found his brother, already dressed and ready, hair and beard combed and
unbraided, sitting at the hearth with a pipe that he was just putting down. He
got out of his chair and gave his mother and brother a smile that did not reach
his eyes.
“I gather it is time.”
Kili put a hand on his brother’s arm with a sad frown. “How... are you?”
Fili shrugged, cast a quick glance at his mother’s carefully arranged face and
looked back at his brother. “I know how I should feel. Nervous, skittish,
uneasy. Angry, maybe. Unwilling.” He shrugged again.
“But... what do you feel?” Kili exchanged a look with his mother.
Fili stared past them at the door and smoothed down the fur on his collar.
“Strangely enough... nothing. Can we go now?”
Kili exchanged another look with his mother, but there was nothing he found he
could say.

Out in
the hall they met with Thorin, clad in ceremonial robes, his crown resting on
his hair. Dwalin, Bofur, Gloin and Dori accompanied him as guards of honour,
and together all of them made their way down into the mountain, into the
ancient cave below the Halls of Wisdom.

The
almost circular cave was very small compared to the halls and galleries of
Erebor, not higher than seven foot and about ten to twelve yards in diameter.
According to legend Durin himself had been born in this cave and it was
reserved for ceremonial purposes for the royal family only.

A pillar
had been carved out of the stone of the mountain towards the back of the cave,
but the upper and the lower half did not quite touch as if someone had cut a
slice of about the size of an arm’s length out between them. Balin, dressed in
his red ceremonial garb, was standing in front of that pillar and Ori,
unusually well groomed and dressed in his grey robes, was standing close to him
holding a large tray with parchments and writing instruments.

Fili
took his place beside the pillar and turned to face the door. The slow, steady
drumming was louder and deeper this far down and no one could dispute the name
of the drum: Heartbeat of the Mountain.

Not long
after the King and his family had entered the cave more guards of honour
appeared; Bifur, Bombur, Nori and Oin this time. Thorin had wanted all his old
and loyal friends to attend this ceremony, and the last four now entered the
cave accompanying Glerin and his family. They all took a place on the opposite
side of the cave and Ysona, dressed in blue and grey silk with her golden curls
piled up in winding braids and her chin hair still dusted with tiny pearls, stood
on the other side of the pillar.

This
deep in the mountain in a ritual as old as time, the only words spoken were in
the hallowed tongue of the ancients. Balin offered the formal greetings to both
families that were to be united and then addressed the bridal couple.
He talked about responsibility and duty.
Talked about blood and family.
And the sacred duty of preserving the line of Durin.

Fili and
Ysona then each placed a hand onto the smooth, flat surface of the lower half
of the pillar for the exchange of their vows.
Fili’s voice was strong and clear, resonating in the small cave when he swore to
her loyalty, fidelity and protection. After him, Ysona’s voice was hardly loud
enough to reach those standing closer to the entrance, but her voice was
unwavering as she swore loyalty, fidelity and devotedness.

Balin
called upon the witnesses. Kili stepped forth, his face uncharacteristically
sombre and voice deep, confirming that he had witnessed his brother’s oath.
Ysona’s brother then did the same for herself.

The
marriage contract had been drafted a while ago and the two fathers, or Thorin
in father’s stead, looked the contract resting on the lower half of the pillar over
and signed it before inclining their heads towards each other.
Then Fili was given the quill to sign and after him, Ysona; then Kili signed as
witness for his brother and Ysona’s brother as a witness for her. With a grave
face, Ori collected the contract again and, treating it like a holy artefact,
stowed it in leather wrapping before placing it into a wooden case.

Then the
moment had arrived when the bridal couple stepped away from the pillar to face
each other. They took each other’s hands and their eyes met, and Fili was able
to give his new wife a very small and gentle smile of reassurance. Ysona shyly
returned that smile.

A
beautiful pair they were indeed, the Golden Lion and his Sapphire Princess. The
future shone bright for Durin’s line, not a few of the attendees of the wedding
celebration said, and that from now, the sons of Durin would be crowned with
gold from the moment of their births.

Upon
emerging from the Halls of Wisdom into the main hall all the guests, from the
Iron Hills, Dale, Laketown and Erebor, even a congregation from Mirkwood, were
waiting for the congregation and followed them, led by Fili and his bride,
towards the King’s Great Hall for the feast.
Since the dawn of time these sacred rituals had been a private affair for the
families that were to be joined, and the royal family being a part in those was
no exception. After the ritual, however, there would always be a feast with as
many friends and extended family as would fit into the halls.

The
banquet was a lavish affair and the tables bend under roasted meats, freshly
baked bread, stewed vegetables, cheese, fruit and sauces, and several types of
ale were available in addition to wine and mead.

As was
customary the bridal couple left the feast after the meal, leaving the guests
to get happily drunk while they retired to Fili’s halls, followed only by
Ysona’s maidservant who, after arriving, vanished into one of the hitherto
unused rooms. The ones adjacent to her room would be the nursery at one point, a
thought Fili had managed to avoid thus far.

Ysona
looked around in the main hearth chamber with its thick braided rugs on the
floor and the large fireplace with two armchairs.

“Let me
show you around.” Fili took her arm.

The
hearth was just opposite the door to the main chamber, and two doors to the
left led into the servant’s chamber and nursery, the one beside it into the
necessities. On the right side of the room there was a door close to the
entrance and one on the other end close to the hearth. Fili opened the one
close to the entrance door and revealed a spacious room furnished with
wardrobes, chairs and a table, a commode and other things, making the room
something between a sitting room and a dressing room.

With a
smile, Fili then opened the door on the left that led into the bedroom, a large
chamber with a hearth of its own and a large canopy bed, intricately carved,
the red and brown drapes made from heavy brocade.

They
headed back to the hearth chamber and Fili bade Ysona sit in one of the
armchairs close to the fire. A small kettle sat on the hearthstone and beside
it, two polished brass cups. After
shedding his heavy leather tunic with its massive fur collar Fili filled the
cups from the kettle and handed one to Ysona who took it with a nervous smile.

Hot milk
blended with spices and strong liquor made from honey, a sweet and mild beverage
only served to a bridal couple for the wedding night, it was meant to relax and
warm the soul, reduce inhibition and enhance the senses.
They sipped this in silence for a while.

“Tell
me,” Fili began and leaned back in his chair. “You are only fifty-nine years;
of age, but very young to marry. I have observed, but I might be mistaken, that
you seemed to be very eager to get married, too. Why?”
Ysona clutched her cup and stared into her milk
“Ysona, you have nothing to fear from me, I swear.” Fili leaned forward and
touched one of her hands. “But there is so little between us, so can I ask
honesty of you? We have nothing else to begin with, and I promise you will have
the same from me.”
At this, his wife looked up and dared to meet his eyes. “Are the rumours true,
then? About a child?”
Fili took a deep breath. “Yes, they are. I am sorry, but I swear, there is no
threat to you. She is gone, the child as well, and I gave you an oath. I have
no intention to break it.”

Ysona
removed one hand from the stem of her cup and, for the first time, touched him of
her own accord, closing her hand around his. “I am sorry, too.” Her voice was
low and gentle. “Did you love her?”
Fili met her eyes again and it took him a while to answer. “I still do.”
The pressure of her fingers increased. “Forgive me for taking her place.”
“You have not taken her place.” Fili forced himself not to frown as he looked
at their entwined hands. “I am the marked prince, meant to rule as a king and
she...” He sighed. “She is a half-breed. It was never meant to be.”

After a
moment’s silence, Fili looked up again, searching Ysona’s eyes. “We should not
speak about her. Not tonight. Maybe never again.”
Ysona accepted his wish for a change of topic. “What should we speak about, my
prince?”
“Maybe you could satisfy my curiosity and answer my question?”
Ysona blushed and looked very uncomfortable. Fili gently squeezed her fingers
and she sighed. “You have met my father, you know my mother. It took years for
my mother to conceive, and she lost the babes several times. My brother was
born almost twenty years after their marriage.”
“Your father seems very fond of him, is that why?”

A soft
snort escaped Ysona. “He is the apple of his eye, and mother’s, too. It took
them another fifteen years, and mother never forgave me that I happened to be a
girl. Father more or less left her after that, they had separate sleeping
chambers ever since I can remember. I could swear he wasn’t even aware he had a
daughter until you started courting me.” A deep frown had appeared on her
forehead.

“So they
never had any kind feelings for you.”
“No.” Ysona met his eyes again. “No, or at least they never showed me.”
Fili sighed, and felt a faint surge of anger. “Every child is a blessing, to be
treasured.”
Ysona’s voice trembled slightly. “I am glad you think so. My father wanted many
sons, and my mother couldn’t give them to him. I suppose she had hopes of
winning his affection back, but when I was not the son she had hoped for...”
She broke off and pressed her lips together for a moment before she continued
in a whisper. “The only use she had for me was that my marriage would gain them
privilege. She put me through endless lessons about being the perfect lady and
the perfect wife, she dressed and decorated me like a doll and she...” Ysona
shrugged. “She said I should look like the virgin I was,” she whispered.

Fili
felt the frown deepen. “And what did she mean by that?”
Ysona hesitated and worried her lower lip.
“What?” Fili leaned forward. “Please, tell me. I will not judge you or think
ill of you.”
“She...” Ysona swallowed. “She just kept me short on food.”
“Short on food.” Fili put his cup down and, after removing hers from her unresisting
fingers, placed hers beside it. Then he took both of Ysona’s hands and pulled
her up. Standing before him, her eyes were level with his collarbone and she
looked up at him, eyes misty with tears.
“She starved you, didn’t she? That is why you are so fragile. She starved you of
food and of love.” Anger bubbled up in him and he had to force his voice to
remain calm. “I suspected something akin, but... I wish I had been wrong.”

Ysona
swallowed hard and with a sigh, Fili pulled her into his embrace. “Fear no
more,” he said. “I swear I shall never willingly harm you, yet if I do
unwillingly, will you tell me?”
She nodded and pressed her head against his shoulder.
“Good. I have sworn I would take care of you and protect you. So for Durin’s
sake, eat your fill or I shall feed you like a bird its chicks.”
A tiny chuckle escaped Ysona and she looked up at Fili, a small smile on her
lips. “Thank you, my prince.”
Fili cupped her face in his hands. He had to admit she was adorable when she
smiled that way, and he wished he could feel more than fondness for her. “Your
mother might think you should look like a girl, but I like women who look...
like women.” He placed a kiss onto her forehead.

Ysona
rested her head against his shoulder again and closed her eyes. “My prince?”
“Yes?”
“I know you would rather I was someone else,” she whispered. “But I count
myself lucky I was given to a kind and handsome man.”
Fili chuckled softly under his breath. “I suppose the prospect of some of your
father’s acquaintances was not appealing.”
Ysona looked up at him again. “Have you met some of them?”
“I have. No need to elaborate.”

Their
eyes met again, and Ysona swallowed hard. “I am lucky,” she said again. “Even
more so now than before I first saw you.”
Fili questioningly tilted his head, and Ysona blushed. “I cannot imagine that
you have the need to...” The blush deepened. “To... that you would...”
“That I would use you and not care what you feel?”
Mute from embarrassment, Ysona could only nod.

“Fear
not. But I fear that your mother may have given you the wrong ideas about
tonight.”
At that, the smile appeared, despite the blush deepening even further. “She
has. But... your mother was so kind and asked me to a private audience, just to
make sure I know what I need to know. And after I spoke to her I felt... less
afraid.”
Fili mentally blessed and thanked his mother for her foresight. “Have no
hesitation to trust my mother. If you ever find yourself in need of advice or
help that you could not ask of your man, go to her.”
Ysona nodded slowly.

After a
moment of silence, Fili took a deep breath. “Now that we have talked about
it... I will have you know that I feel uncomfortable about this, too. Not
because of... my past, but I, too, have my reservations to do what lovers do
with a woman I do not know.” Not
that he had known Katla any better.

Ysona hesitated for a moment, and her voice was trembling, but her face was
determined when she answered. “I would have it behind me, as much as you.”
Fili nodded slowly, it was inevitable, after all. “Ring for your maid.”

He
headed for his own room where he undressed down to his trousers, then he sat
down and tried to think not of warm embraces in front of a dying fire.

When
Ysona entered the bed chamber, clad in a long, white shift with a low neckline
and a small bit of lacing in front, she found Fili sitting at the foot end of
the bed, bare-chested and barefoot, smoking a pipe. He looked up at her with a
crooked smile and patted the mattress beside him.
Moving stiffly, Ysona sat down beside him and stared into the hearth, watching
the flames. Her hair was undone, all the braids removed, and the mass of curls
was framing her face and shoulders.

“You
smoke a fine pipe weed,” She whispered after a while. “It smells lovely.”
“Do you smoke?”
She mutely shook her head.
“Ysona, is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?”
She looked up and met his eyes. Tears filled her eyes, but she smiled. “No.”
She hesitantly reached for his hand and he closed his fingers around hers,
squeezing gently. “You already do it.”

Fili
smiled and got up to place the pipe on the mantelpiece. He held out his arms to
her and Ysona shyly stepped into his embrace. They stood like this for a long
time before Fili stood back and undid the lacing of his trousers. After shedding
these along with his small clothes he straightened up again to find her staring
at him with wide, fearful eyes. Trying to calm her with a smile he reached out
and undid the lacing of her shift; it slid down her shoulders and pooled at her
ankles.

She
stiffened in shame and fear, and Fili pulled her into another embrace.

He could
not help it, his body responded to her nakedness in the only way it knew. He
held her until she stopped trembling and tried not to think. Warm, firm hands closing around his
shoulders.

He led
her to the bed and gently pulled her down with him. She was rigid with fear. A body, so warm and supple, melting into
his.

He
kissed her, though her lips remained unresponsive and dry. Opening to his, welcoming him, warm and full
of desire.

She
finally began to relax and lifted a hand to his face as he buried both of his
into her golden curls that smelled of musk and sandalwood. A chestnut cascade of silk sifting through
his fingers with the earthy smell of woman and wood smoke.

Fili
knew how to please a woman, and at one point he let his body simply take over,
knowing that he could not help hurting her. It will be but this once.

He held
her afterwards as she wept, glad for the fact that the fire had burned down and
in the murky darkness, she could not see the tears he was desperate not to
shed.
“Did I hurt you that much?” His voice was husky but steady.
“No.” Ysona turned towards him and tried to calm her voice. “No, you hurt me
much less than I expected. I... I honestly cannot say why I am weeping like
this.”
“There is no way back.” Fili felt the weight of his words both in body and
soul. “I took you and made you mine, leaving the bloodstains on the sheets to
prove it. It is as well that you mark me as yours. After that, we should no
longer look back.”

Ysona
took a deep breath and slowly sat up, kneeling in front of Fili who sat
cross-legged, facing her. He had to close his eyes as she reached out and
started to gently comb her fingers through his beard. The fire crackled and
sizzled softly in the hearth as she braided his moustache, but with all the
force of his will, Fili closed his mind and his heart. He no longer looked
back.

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