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Even though I've been scaling my emotions back, I wrote a short story for my wife and kids for Valentines. In a kid's book fashion, it's a tale about two cute robots trying to hide their flaws. But when they meet, they actually don't notice each others flaws but their beauty. When I was done reading it they told me that they had to hold back tears. They all loved it.

I don't know if that was a good thing to do or what. My wife is tough to read. Should I romance her or step back. They both work sometimes and it puts me in a state of confusion.

Right now I'm trying to accept things as they are, myself included. But I'm working on things I can change about myself. Confidence is one of them. Also, a willingness to step back and give my wife space, encourage her to do things on her own, and get things accomplished that she's put off for too long.

Sunday, she worked on her first NA step. Tonight she'll continue. I'll be with her physically because we find that she does work on it and it sets her mind at ease.

One thing I'm really struggling with is racing. The season has started and I'm sort of ready to get in the mix of competition. But time management is rough. Also, knowing what is really on her mind about it. She tells me that she wants me to go, but I've heard it before only to get knocked over the head with it when her mood strikes.

"No. No. Go and race. It's what you love and I don't want to ever take that away from you," says the emotionally stable wife.

"YOU PUT THAT <bleeping> BIKE AHEAD OF EVERYTHING! ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS TRAIN AND RACE. SOMETIMES I WANT TO THROW THAT BIKE AND TRAINER IN THE WOODS!!!!!" Says the unstable wife when guilt or fear or trouble sneaks in her heart.

To let you all know, I train first thing in the morning during the week while my family sleeps. I get up, train, then get ready for work. I also, straighten the house, clean the dishes, get them up, get them what they need, do laundry, etc. Before I go to work. When I get home I'm hands on without complaint or thinking I need anything in return.

Saturdays I train with a group early in the morning and try my darndest to be home by noon. Heck, they are just getting up by then.

So ... I really believe it's more about jealousy and something to fall back on when she brings it up. Jealousy because she has a tough time motivating herself to find something she likes to do and doing it - with or without friends. I'm a motivated person. I get stuff done. I don't quit often. She hates that about me sort of, even though she says it's one of my best traits as a person, husband, and father (that's the stable wife's words).

But when she's hit by hormones, guilt, anxiety, and/or anger it comes out as the most troubling thing in our marriage. She'll tell me how much it's ruined things in our family. I listen while she continually pelts me with cheap jabs. Then I sulk away like a scolded pup who just had its nose rubbed in piss.

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Me:42W:43M:03/08/98SD17, D13Found out about affair:12/16/10Found out again: 06/22/12Split: 06/22/12

To let you all know, I train first thing in the morning during the week while my family sleeps. I get up, train, then get ready for work. I also, straighten the house, clean the dishes, get them up, get them what they need, do laundry, etc. Before I go to work. When I get home I'm hands on without complaint or thinking I need anything in return.

tpc,

Wow, you do an AWFULLY lot around the house. You may have already covered this in another post, but do both you and your wife work outside the home? What does your wife do around the house to help out?

But, I sick and f'ing tired of working to keep the peace now. I'm a much more better man these days - these months. It's been almost 2 years. I feel run over. I'm holding a 50hr/week job, training 10-12hrs/week, holding up my wife, holding up our burdens, stressing over money, who I am, who she is, where we'll be next week (together or not), if she's screwing around, whether or not I want to walk and sow my seed out of spite, or just slit my friggin wrists.

There. That feels better.

TPC....I feel you pain! Truly. Hang in there....my H's thing has been going on since late 2008. Sometimes it feels good just to vent here when there is no one or no place else to do it.

Best, A.

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Me - 49H - 56S - 23D - 20Married 25 yearsH moved out 10/11/13H moved back in 10/13/13H moved out again 8/1/14

I blog because it helps me organize my thoughts and motivates me to keep going.

Last night my wife made a wonderful vegetable beef soup with cornbread. It was really delicious. I ate way more than I should have and threw down a piece of coconut cake as well. Valentine calories don't count, right?

Anyway. We sat together and watch one of favorite shows with one of our girls then decided to retreat to the room. I've been trying to get her to continue working on the first step of her NA book. Last Sunday she did it gleefully and worked on it a while. We wrote down a plan to work on it at least twice a week. So, last night I told her she should spend a few minuted on it so it's out of the way and the rest of the week was free and clear.

I could tell immediately she didn't want to do it. Over and over I tried to let her understand that I wasn't forcing her to do this. This was something she needed to do and I wanted us to approach it together for a while to help it become a habit. But she kept telling me that it did feel like work and I was making her do it. Her initial feelings in situations like this are to rebel. Softly but unmoving I continued to try and get her to see beyond her rebellion and just do it.

Eventually she did. But I swear, it's like I've got three kids at home. I have to fight all of them to get their chores done or do their homework or work on the NA steps or go to meetings or just do what has to be done.

She worked on it for a few minutes but really didn't put a lot of thought into it. These questions are intrusive. If you really wanted to open up you could spend a lot of time on one question alone. THAT is why she doesn't want to get into it. She cannot open herself up. She cannot give in to spilling herself all over the table for others and herself to see. It's what will keep her from breaking this curse. Unless she strips down and shows herself for what she really is nothing will really be accomplished. She told me that she just didn't have the motivation to do it.

Motivation to become transparent is her problem. It's easy for all of us to hide behind the shroud of dishonesty and plastic happiness. I don't know how to approach her about this but I have to at some point. Finding the appropriate time is going to be tough.

It's good to know her sponsor is a tough lady. She doesn't play into BS, but she's also my wife's good friend. I'm not sure if she will beat my wife over the head until she gives in or let's her just go about her business of continuing to fool herself.

The night did end with a bit of hanky-panky so ...

Now me. I'm still struggling with a desire to race hard this year. I want to move up in ranks to eventually race with the Pro-Ams. It's been a goal of mine for several years but when my marriage went to hell, so did my goals. It seems like the last two years right before the season started I get hit in the gut and have to rethink my goals and what I can and cannot do.

Last year I missed upgrading by just a few points. This year, I have no clue what's going to happen. I have to miss the first two races of the season because of a family thing - which I'm not really complaining about. My family needs all the gathers we can get to make us stronger. But I'm always looked at like a selfish prick if I want to take a Saturday to race.

My mother will guilt me. My wife won't until it benefits her in an argument. My kids will when they want to manipulate me. I listen and keep my trap shut most of the time. But one day I'm going to tell them to take a hike if they don't like it. Hobbies keep men sane. Male companionship is beneficial. Competition is a good way to relieve stress. Plus, I'm extremely fit, I have a sound mind because it doesn't get too clouded, I've learned to cope with forces against me because of it. I guess the stereotypical male is sitting on the couch, maybe cutting the grass on Saturday, watching sports, becoming fat and lazy. That's what they want, huh? Welp ... I'm here to tell you. It ain't happening.

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Me:42W:43M:03/08/98SD17, D13Found out about affair:12/16/10Found out again: 06/22/12Split: 06/22/12

I try to do as much as I can before I head to work. She gets up and helps the girls get ready for school. I want her to be at ease as much as possible so she can go to the gym (which I encourage) then go to work (part time).

But she taxis a lot and runs errands. Usually she gets home by 3 then has to turn around and pick someone up from cheerleading practice or something. Then she'll come home a straighten up and start dinner.

I want to be more active in the house duties than I used to be. It's become habitual now to do stuff before I leave for work.

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Me:42W:43M:03/08/98SD17, D13Found out about affair:12/16/10Found out again: 06/22/12Split: 06/22/12

Treating her like a princess, or putting her up on a pedestal . . . ehh, not so much.

If this is a "180" for you, then it's probably good. I just see a lot of supplicating behavior from you, and I'm betting that she doesn't see it as being attractive. I'd advise pulling back, JUST A LITTLE, and I think you've already identified where you might be able to invest the extra time.

Tonight, if we get the time, my wife and I will be having a little chat. I want to set some boundaries. She's in this perky, little, happy-go-lucky, ain't-nothing-wrong, fine-with-the-world, mood. So, if I'm thinking clearly within a few days or weeks she should bottom out and tell me she doesn't know what she wants. If we're working on us then we need to work on us. We need to decide what it is we want from this and move forward.

For days now I've stepped back and treated her with a straight forwardness but with respect. She makes the phone calls. She comes to me. She pursues. I'm chilling the (blank) out and trying to right myself with myself. I'm trying to gain the strength I need to cope with whatever waits down the dark, cold path of reality.

She seems so nonchalant and carefree. To me it seems like she's under control and has it in her mind that no matter what I'm here working on us. If I'm doing it why does she have to bother. She can do whatever she pleases and I'll just puppy-dog around her with my tail wagging.

One of the dark matters here is, if she really is dealing with personal stuff that is not being addressed and I walk out just to get her attention I could clearly see her dropping so low that no one knows what she may do. She may sink deeper than ever and give up on everything - go back to drinking and taking pills. Her attitude would go back to where it was and hate herself and everyone around her. If that happened she would never work again and have to rely on someone else - if you know what I mean. The kids would suffer. Her family would too. And I would as well.

I feel like I need to hold her up, lead her even though she kicks and screams. But I have to put on this front. I have to be this stoic bag of bones. I have to give up on knowing anything that's going on behind the scenes.

This path is lonely. I have severed ties with God completely. Right now I'm doing everything on my own without help from anyone. No family. No friends. No God. The only good that has come from becoming agnostic or atheistic is that I don't have a weighty guilt on me that used to hold me back. Being pentecostal comes with a massive load of guilt, unworthiness, unrighteousness that keeps you from thinking anything good could happen. You pray, then make excuses as to why God told you, "No." You'd beg and ask for mercy only to continue hurting and telling yourself, "God's grace is sufficient." Constantly, your inner voice - or subconscious - would poke you with a sharp needle and tell you how unworthy you were for God to even hear your cries.

"Look at you. You don't tithe. You don't help others. All you do is think of your own problems. You don't go to church anymore. You aren't worthy of anything. You suck at being a Christian. You suck at being a husband. You suck at being a father. You're a lustful, selfish, self-centered, egotistical, worthless waste of a shell."

Endlessly I would pray for a feeling of worthiness. I would pray and ask God to tell me He loves me. And not just something lifeless like a quote from the bible or a stupid sign on a church billboard. Something personal. And it never came.

I came to a place where I thought, if my daughter ever came up to me suffering to know whether or not I loved her what would I do? I would gather her up in my arm and look her dead center in the eyes and tell her with the utmost honest loving voice I could muster. Why would I let my daughter suffer not knowing? I wouldn't. But God does. God makes you wonder. God makes you suffer. God steps away and acts lifeless, distant, and uncaring. As a God of infinite strength and understanding how could he not (as a personal God) tell you He loves you in the deepest most secure way?

It makes me wonder how many of his children took their own lives because of the emptiness they felt not knowing if God loved them. Is this the separation we hear about in the bible? Are we living it now? God has stepped away and we're really without his Spirit and love. He's testing us. Maybe this is Hell. We are all living without God's love. The chasm is boundless. We cannot reach God anymore. He's taken his people and we're what's left.

Sometimes my mind wanders to a place where it cannot understand - where it cannot find a purchase to hold. I'll think of such bleak loneliness that even I start to get sick on my stomach. Sometimes it's a place in which I try to understand the vastness of our universe, the insignificance of our existence in it, or the melding of timelessness and boundless space we float in.

There may be upwards of 500 billion galaxies in our universe. 500 BILLION!!!! Within each galaxy it's estimated that 10% of the stars contain a solar system. That means about 20 million could exist in each of the 500 billion galaxies. 20 million x 500 billion chances that there are other lifeforms. Directing my mind toward that makes me wonder if God is the God of all then He is the God of all we live in. If He is the one and only God then why is our one planet the only planet out of this unfathomable expanse that needed a savior? God's ONLY son. Only! Meaning, there was no other son to which God needed to put on a cross anywhere else in this cosmos for the sins of that world. And on that one speck of blue we've come to decide that only about 2.5 billion of us are going to heaven in this century. Now that's a pretty large number. But think of this. If we sliced the denominations down to the core beliefs then I would summarize only a handful of that number would go. How many people would actually profess Christ as their one true savior? A third? A third of the people on this one planet in 200 million x 500 billion solar systems are going to heaven because God decided to birth a savior from the womb of a virgin.

I wonder and question all this and try to place our mythologies in a cosmos that has no bounds and possibly no end to bearing life and no end to thoughts and discoveries. What makes our infinitesimal belief system the one true way? Then I just want to put a bullet in my head because my mind can't tap into all the possibilities that we're oh so wrong.

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Me:42W:43M:03/08/98SD17, D13Found out about affair:12/16/10Found out again: 06/22/12Split: 06/22/12

TPC,I have been off the boards for awhile and a little bird told me you were back here posting.

Good to hear from you.

Let me start by saying that I think that you are moving through a process currently and it is more about YOU than your wife or your marriage.

Your wife, your marriage and even your kids are the lens through which you are viewing YOUR LIFE right now. You are evaluating your life, your faith, your mental state, YOUR HAPPINESS through the people around you........

Try to stop that or at least shift it for a while.

So much of what you are communicating about YOU is external to you but yet you are internalizing it and letting it knock you off course.

I am going to paraphrase from a book I recently read that helped me. (BTW, No More Mr. Nice Guy is similar) The book I recently read is "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida. In his book Deida describes that as a man you should have some sort of ultimate purpose in life....and that should set your course in life, much like a ship in the ocean.

So Deida, says that we are the ship on the ocean and the ocean or more specifically the waves are our wives (girlfriend for me). Yeah guess what.....its no lala land of endless, magnificent adoration, affection, and sex out here in single land. I too still struggle with relationships with my current girlfriend, whom I love.

Anyways, the women in our lives are constantly trying to knock us off course. They do not do it consciously but make no mistake about it.....IT IS A TEST to see if they can change your course.

Case in point......you ride competitively. Sometimes your are encouraged by your wife.....sometimes not. You ride for you, for the benefits of health, mental and male bonding.....BRAVO!!! Congratulations on KNOWING what is good for you. WHY WOULD YOU EVER BE DETOURED FROM THAT?????? You go out of your way to not have this most important thing in YOUR life not impact your family. This is good also, however you are letting their TESTS effect you.

STOP. Do not listen to their words, watch their actions. Sometimes the actions take a couple of days to come out.....be patient.

More later.....have to run now.

Hang in there.

Cheers

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Formerly known as "missherlove"

Me43 XW43M17 T19S10 D14

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

I AM battling some internal stuff and externalizing them. I believe I'm reflecting all this inner torment onto those, and those things, around me.

This morning I got up to train and felt like hell. Last night I had a falling out with one of my daughters who is "growing up" at the moment. I was put in the middle of something because others don't think I'm treating all parties fairly and evenly. A bolt popped out and I went ape. Not physically. I just said a word I've never said to either of my children. After that I started kicking myself and had a horrible night.

In my life, things are out of whack. My training is suffering because I haven't found a proper balance of recovery and efforts. Racing starts this weekend and I'm no where near being ready physically or mentally.

I'm in the pit emotionally because my wife is so closed off and I don't know what she's thinking or doing sometimes. I'm trying to hold her up and motivate her to stay on course with her 12 step program, her meetings, the fear about losing our house, whether or not she's going to get her license back for nursing, staying on course with our marriage, etc.

I'm trying to find a balance with our daughters to treat them fairly the way I know how and the way they want me to. Both of them are growing up and becoming women and now I have three women who will be cycled together and I'm fearful of what may happen each month.

Both our cars need major repair. My daughter wrecked our Passat and it needs body work. My Audi needs new brakes. Since we lost 1/2 of our income we cannot afford major things and we sometimes wait until the last minute. All I can think about is what next with the cars. When will a timing belt snap? When will my brakes go out completely? When will one of the fuel pumps go out? When will a O2 sensor go out - Mine cost 300 to replace because they decided to hide it deep in the darkest regions of the engine where you actually need a portal to go through and find it.

Anyway ... as you can tell, I'm pretty baked in my head right now. So the God thing is just one element of what is really happening up there (taps noggin).

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Me:42W:43M:03/08/98SD17, D13Found out about affair:12/16/10Found out again: 06/22/12Split: 06/22/12