Thursday, May 21, 2009

TNA 5-21: THE RETURN OF CONTRIBUTOR IV

So I am back after moving to review TNA for the very first time on this blog. Well I reviewed a PPV but that doesn't count.

So this thing starts off with a Mick Foley, Jeff Jarrett montage and I quickly realize I have lost all knowledge of wrestling I sponged in those 3 glorious weeks (Known as 6394's Attitude Era) I was involved with blogging here, replacing all of that important wrestling knowledge with memorizations of Subway systems, so all of this is new to me again. This is a concern because I already thought TNA was the most confusing show on TV, and I am also super high off of fancy weed which is making everything even MORE hard to follow.

I guess this montage is because Jarrett & Foley hate each other, but oh good, we are starting TNA off with Jarrett blabbing in the ring about Foley and then Foley comes out and he's a legit bad guy again, and THEN jarrett is like "Im gonna be in the Sacrifice match" and foley is like "BUT WHAT WILL YOU SACRIFICE HOW ABOUT YOUR SHARES OF TNA???" And Jarrett is like "ok", and I don't fucking understand this Sacrifice match. So is it whoever gets pinned has to sacrifice some shit? Fuck it who cares, this is all giving me a panic attack.

Ok so then Foley is like WELL IM GONNA MAKE SOME MATCHES and he says a bunch of things that go over my head, then he says something about Samoa Joe and his NATION OF VIOLENCE and I have no idea what that means but I am fucking pumped to find out. Finally before the commercial break there is a skit with Angle backstage and it was all like FUCKYEAHDUDEBLAHABAABAHSH and something about a Frenzy (????) match. and my head is fucking exploding. Oh good. commercials.

We are back & catching up with the WHO IS SUICIDE IS IT CHRIS DANIELS thing, and it looks like it's not Chris Daniels, but who fucking cares if it was Chris Daniels? Would that give him some kind of unfair advantage? WHY DOES ANYONE GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS.But now both Daniels and Suicide are being interviewed at the same time and they're gonna fight at the PPV, but tonight they are bros in a match.

Lethal Consequences vs Machine Guns vs vs Daniels/Suicide: This was mostly too confusing for me and they're stil talking about the mystery of Suicide. Shuuuuut the Fuccccccckkkkkkkk Uppppppp. So yeah, moves, moves, moves and then Daniels does this crazy ass moonsault plancha and for a second I'm PUMPED, but then Suicide wins with a move. COMMERCIAL.

Back from commercial and literally nothing of interest happens except they show booker T and Kevin Nash training for...something and it is very homoerotic. COMMERCIAL.

The Dudleys are giving a spirited speech about tag team wrestling and apparently they started some kind of Tag Team Invitiational tournmanet and whaaaaaat the fuuuuuck?? How are you just gonna make an Invitational Tournament?? That is not a thing everyone has the power to do. So the Dudleys are beefing with THE BRITISH INVASION and I have no clue who these guys are. They all look like British dudes, so maybe one is Nigel Mcguiness. Now they are talking back and forth and the Dudleys cant fuckin handle it so they throw dem bo's but THE BRITISH INVASION have a giant Biritsh Strongman, so they are now fucking the fuck up the Dudleys. NO WAIT, BEER MONEY is out!! Who are they!!! Some guys!!! THE BRITISH INVASION are scared of these dudes and I think their ring music is Livin on a Prayer or maybe I just smoked angel dust. Holy shit thank god this segment is over. It's only 9:45

OH SHIT NOW JARRETT AND ERIC YOUNG ARE BEEFIN BACKSTAGE. They are ironing out their problems like bros though. No reason to throw down. Oh it turns out Micke Foley has to fight Eric Young. Cool! COMMERCIAL THANK GOD.

Oh Kurt Angle was looking for Sting...and he found him! They are kind of beefing I think. I don't think it's gonna come to blows though. They are just yelling like an old married couple. I think they might hug it out, bitch. They do!

Oh now Eric Young vs. Sting. I guess I was confused earlier when I said he had to fight Mick Foley. I can't keep up with this shit man, I'm sorry. Is this seriously only the 2nd match? I feel like so much shit has happened. Oh, so I guess Eric Young and Sting are tight bros from way back and this is heartbreaking for the both of them. It's heartbreaking for me too. Man the sound got all weird for a second and you could only hear 6 people clapping. Maybe I AM on angel dust, or maybe only 6 people give a shit about this match? Oh, Eric Young taps to Sting's Sharpshooter. NEXT ON IMPACT: AWESOME KONG ANGELA LOVE CONTRACT SIGNING!!

Borash is gonna send insider knowledge to your mobile phone. Now he's about to chat up Mick Foley to find out what former heavyweight champion Foley is gonna fight tonight. I hope it's Gillberg. IT HAS TO BE GILLBERG. Borash and Foley are doing some kind of abott and costello bullsquid. SEGMENT OVER.

There is a SERIOUS Awesome Kong montage. It was pretty dope. Now it's time for the CONTRACT SIGNING. DUN DUN. Fat Jim Cornette is out to....officiate (???) the contract signing (I guess). Angela Love is one of the most porn star looking lady wrestlers ever. She is bringing security with her because she is beefing with Awesome King pretty hardcore. Cornette is telling the security to back the fuck off because it ain't that kind of party. Awesome Kong is out with the ninja. The Ninja gets to stay in the ring. That doesn't seem fair. They sign the contract and now the porno bitch is talking waaaaaay too fucking much and then Kng tries to smash the fuck out of her but some ref tries to stop her and she smashes the fuck out of that dude instead THROUGH A TABLE! Only 53 more minutes of this bullshit.

Hey let's skip a segment because it's just talking anyway, and I am trying to enjoy eating.

00hhhhh g0d more talking. Matt Morgan wants to join the Main Event Mafia So he is fighting Kurt Angle RIGHT NOW. Oh man Kurt Angle is definitely not taking wrestler vitamins anymore, but it looks like Matt Morgan is still taking a few. Matt Morgan appears to have a Jack O Lantern face tattooes on his back or something. They do some moves and then Morgan tries to go for the HELLAVATOR which is hte best name for a move, but Angle reverses it into a rollup and wins!

Now we are talking to Jeff Jarrett backstage and FUCK WHEN WILL THIS SHIT END. (in 25 minutes).

I think this is the main event now! Samoa Joe vs. Jeff Jarrett! It turns out Samoa Joe's Nation of Violence is just him and his towel. Booo. Samoa Joe fucks shit up as if he were an actual monster and not some morbidly obese dude with creepy flab and muscle pants. Joe gets DQd for fucking too much shit up and now AJ Styles and Samoa Joe are beefing because Joe is too pumped, or maybe because AJ has hamburgers in his pocket. So I guess this wasn't the main event. Fuuuuuuuuck. COMMERCIAL. 14 more minutes!

Oh that's right, I forgot the main event is supposed to be Mick Foley vs. Gillberg. FINALLY. Oh no, it's not Gillberg. It's a carboard cutout of Rocky Balboa!! He's coming to the ring with a Mickie lookalike and Don West is losing his shit and acting as if Rocky Balboa was real and then Mike Tenay tells Don West to STFU and HOLY SHIT!!! The crowd is chanting ROCKY ROCKY!!! Foley is having a real match with the cardboard Rocky. THIS IS AMAZING!! CLAP CLAP CLAP!! Foley beats Rocky with an elbow and then does like a mashup of Rocky speeches and MICK FOLEY IS SO FUCKING GREAT!!! Jeff Jarrett hates fun and comes out to beat the shit out of Mick Foley because he's a fucking cocksucker, but then Agnle comes out because he appreciates Foley's brand of comedy and he wrecks Jarrett. Then Sting comes out to try and stop the beef but Foley fucks HIM up. Finally Foley fucks Jarrett up too. THE END. Please just watch the last 10 minutes of this bullshit ass show. Fuck this never again am I watching this horrible snot.

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In the days of ancient Rome men tried to best each other physically by imposing their will on one other. Sometimes this lead to the death of one of the competitors. Sometimes it lead to a friendship or brotherhood bond being formed. More often than not it ended with the two dudes fucking the shit out of each other. Faggotry and wrestling have long had a mutually parasitic relationship. Where faggotry is afoot wrestling cannot be far behind. Where there is wrestling you can rest assured that faggotry is nearby, jerking off furiously. This is the way it has always been and the way it shall always be. Though men have tried to change this dynamic throughout the ages they have all failed. Spandex, pyrotechnics, midgets, fake tits and sports entertainment cannot mask the overwhelming scent of gay that always accompanies wrestling. You can always be certain of these three things: The sun always rises in the morning, politicians always lie and wrestling will always be gay as fuck. We are merely observers; scribes charged with the duty of recording, analyzing and mocking this faggotry. These are our words.