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Their Eyes Were Watching Ground

Shield your eyes. Or feast them. It makes no difference to me, because I won’t be looking anywhere but straight down at my shoelaces. That’s because nothing good ever results from direct eye contact. Sure, your parents always told you to look your surly neighbor, Mr. Stumps, in his eye (the mean eye, not the lazy one), but that’s only because they loved humiliating you. They even said so: “Sweetie, we love – [whispering] humiliating – you!” What they didn’t tell you was that making prolonged eye contact can create all sorts of problems, including, but not limited to the following: Hypnosis, Fist Fighting, Clogging (that awkward dance you accidentally do with a stranger when you’re in each other’s way), Babies!, Receiving The Wrong Sandwich At The Deli Counter, Conversations With Subway Crazies and many more Untold Horrors. Obviously, I’m going to have a strict no eye-contact policy with my kids. Every time I introduce them to an adult, I’ll be making darn sure the little tykes are staring at the carpet. “Junior, this is Mr. Stumps cousin, Mr. Stubs. Say hello, but whatever you do, DO NOT LOOK HIM IN THE EYES. Seriously, never look Mr. Stubs in the eyes (both of them are lazy). Yep, in no time at all we’re going to be known as the family that doesn’t make eye contact. TLC might as well mail the check now-we’re sure to be the most successful reality show since that one with the really big family, “Really Big Family.” Just don’t expect me to make eye contact with the mail carrier when I sign for it.