SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
September 23, 2012

Executive
Order Authorizing Government Control of Internet Nearing Completion

Secretary
Janet Napolitano told a Senate committee that the Administration is
drafting an Executive Order that would grant her Department of
Homeland Security “sweeping new powers over the Internet.”

“As we
saw this past week, irresponsible use of the Internet by anti-Islamic
bigots spawned riots against US embassies throughout the Muslim
world,” Napolitano explained. “The Administration needs the
authority to interdict inflammatory and dangerous messages before
they can cause trouble.”

Napolitano
told Senators that “the Executive Order is necessary because
Congress has neglected its responsibility to pass appropriate
enabling legislation. The President isn't going to sit by and allow
threats to our interests to have unrestrained access to this very
potent means of communication just because Congress can't get its act
together.”

The
Secretary rejected arguments that restricting access to the Internet
violates the Constitution's First Amendment. “If you read the
document carefully you see that the First Amendment bars Congress
from making a law abridging freedom of speech,” Napolitano pointed
out. “It places no such prohibition on the President. In fact, it
could be argued that as the nation's Commander-in-Chief he has the
obligation to take this action.”

Judge
Blocks Purge of Dead Voters

State
District Judge Tim Sulak issued an order to Texas Secretary of State
Hope Andrade to cease and desist in her office's efforts to remove
deceased voters from the rolls.

In
his ruling, Sulak said that “the Secretary has failed to
demonstrate sufficient grounds for excluding these voters. Just
because a person is deceased does not mean that person has no
interest in the election's outcome. Has a deceased parent no concern
for the well-being of his children? Of course he does. To arbitrarily
deny this interest is discriminatory and, therefore, illegal.”

The
Judge rejected the Secretary's argument that it is impossible to know
how a deceased person would vote saying that “friends and relatives
acquainted with the views the person expressed while alive may serve
as good proxies for casting votes on behalf of the deceased.”

State
officials sent notices to the last known addresses of 80,000 voters
who the Social Security Administration (SSA) says had died. Those
failing to reply with proof they are alive were to be stricken from
the rolls.

However,
Sulak discounted the SSA as “an unreliable source. Every year this
agency pays out billions of dollars on bogus claims. And that's not
counting the billions 'legitimately' paid to those who've disabled
themselves through drug addiction. Using anything from this agency as
a basis for any action is highly suspect.”

In
related news, a statistical analysis of Ohio's voting rolls indicates
that at least 20% of the registrations appear to be phony. In two
counties the number of people registered to vote exceeds the voting
age population. The national average is for 70% of the voting age
population to be registered to vote. Nevertheless, US Attorney
General Eric Holder insists that vote fraud is not a serious problem
and warned the Ohio Secretary of State “to refrain from taking any
action that may be construed as an attempt to reduce voter turnout.”

President
Assures Letterman that National Debt Isn't Important

Unable
to answer a simple question regarding the size of the national debt
during an interview on David Letterman's talk show, President Obama
tried to assure viewers that it isn't important.

“Well,
I don't know, but it doesn't really matter,” the President replied.
“You see, mostly this is money we owe ourselves. I mean, Americans
owe the debt and Americans own the debt. In effect, paying the debt
is like taking money out of your right pocket and putting it into
your left pocket. It's a wash transaction. We could eliminate most of
the debt by simply canceling this shuffle.”

In
related news, the United States fell to 18th
place in the annual Economic
Freedom of the World
report. Chairman of the President's Council of Economic Advisers Alan
Krueger dismissed the report's importance saying “it is overly
reliant on outmoded ideas that put individual rights ahead of the
collective benefits.”

President
Sees No Need to Address Mid-East Crisis

Obama
campaign spokesman Ben LaBolt said President Obama sees no need for
him to brief the American people on the Mid-East crisis.

“How
would this benefit him?” LaBolt asked. “The media have already
moved on to other issues that are working in his favor. There is no
outcry from voters demanding answers as to how this happened. The
only people who want him to speak out about it are his opponents. So,
I think keeping quite is the smart thing to do.”

Despite
the President's reluctance to speak to the American people, he and
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton have invested $70,000 in TV ads in
Pakistan. In the ads both make appearances to express their apologies
for the “Innocence of Muslims” video held to be a contributor to
the recent riots in several Islamic countries.

Obama
kicked off the ad saying, “We reject all efforts to denigrate
religious beliefs of others.” Clinton followed up by reminding that
“the United States Government has absolutely nothing to do with
this video,” and urging that “your anger should be focused
elsewhere.”

Another
placating move under consideration is the possible release of Omar
Abdel-Rahman, who is currently serving a life sentence for his role
in a plot to conduct assassinations and destroy bridges, tunnels and
other landmarks in New York City. Clinton defended the move as one
motivated by compassion. “The man is, after all, blind,” she
explained. “He's been in jail for nearly two decades. Releasing him
is unlikely to harm us and could go a long way toward mollifying
those threatening violence unless he is released.”

President
Says He Can't Change Washington from the Inside

In
a gaffe that some are calling “Bidenesque,” President Obama
sought to divert attention from his broken promises by claiming
impotence.

“The
most important lesson I've learned is you can't change Washington
from the inside,” he told the audience at at a forum hosted by the
Spanish-language TV channel Univision. “You can only change it from
the outside.”

A
nonplussed host inquired, “If you can't change it from inside why
are you running for reelection?”

“As
frustrating and unrewarding as being the president may be, I feel it
is my duty to occupy that chair in order to prevent malevolent forces
from taking over the country,” Obama answered. “As we have seen,
my opponent has great animus against the 47% who rely on government
for their living. Allowing him to be elected would be seen as a
validation of the notion that people should be expected to fend for
themselves.”

“It's
taken us about three generations to get to that 47% level,” the
President continued. “That's a lot of progress, but we can't let
ourselves be satisfied with only half a loaf. While we can probably
never get to 100%, I hope that reaching 98% or 99% might be attained
during my lifetime. I'm confident that with another term we can reach
the tipping-point where a clear majority is aligned with our program.
Once that happens the transformation I envision for America will
never be undone.”

In
related news, Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney maintained that
“Romney's '47%' remarks may effectively disqualify him from serving
as president. His disdain for dependency puts him out-of-step with
the moral mainstream of our society. Those who rely on government to
meet their basic needs shouldn't have to live with the fear that they
might be forced to enter the workforce against their will. Romney's
made a thinly veiled attack on a way of life that I think voters will
soundly reject come November.”

Blasphemous
Video May Lead to Extraditions

The
Egyptian Government has issued arrest warrants for seven Egyptian
Coptic Christians and American pastor Terry Jones on charges of
“harming national unity, insulting Islam, and spreading false
information.” The charges stem from the belief that these persons
are linked to the “Innocence of Muslims” video.

Egyptian
President Mohammed Morsi is expected to demand their extradition when
he meets with President Obama in New York and Washington this week.
The US State Department and Department of Justice are reported to be
reviewing the case.

“It's
an interesting question,” mused Attorney General Eric Holder.
“Normally, we'd think it's a freedom of speech issue. If the
impacts were strictly confined within our own borders the First
Amendment might be deemed decisive. However, since the impacts have
mainly been felt outside our borders it may not apply.”

According
to UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, the US Constitution's protection
of freedom of speech does not apply when someone's values and beliefs
are offended. “Freedom of expression should be and must be
guaranteed and protected, when they are used for common justice and
common purpose,” Ban said. “However, those who insist upon being
disagreeable must not be allowed to claim the privilege of free
speech.”