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for all my troubles. Of course I am. It’s all my fault. All the blame falls on my shoulders. I mean what would the world be like if it wasn’t all my fault. Don’t even dare to go there! Nothing would work if I wasn’t to blame for everything. All me, all my doing. Or – not doing. Depending on the situation at hand.

After thinking about it for a few weeks it dawned on me that I’ve been wrong in thinking I could point any fingers except at myself. How could I be so stupid to even think for a minute that I could blame anything or anyone else, ever?

Well, we all make our mistakes but mostly I make them.

So, now you can rest easy, as I have assumed all the blame for my situation. No one else needs to bother. Or worry. I’ll go quietly to sort this out on my own.

End of message.

Btw, I happened to listen to this song just now, after finding it on YouTube and on Spotify (though after I first published this, the song is no longer available at Spotify). I like it. Kind of reminds me of things from my life past and present. Mostly it reminds of feelings I have had in connection with things happening in my life.

Evening! Or night. rather, as it is past midnight when this is written – or typed. Best to be honest, never know who might be reading this. That’s the beauty of a public blog. I never know who reads it or when or where they do it. Of course I know of some who reads it – the ones who lets me know about it by leaving comments or sends me tweets or email. But those aren’t that many, and I know I have some followers of this blog so I suppose they read it – at least from time to time. Then there are those who arrive at my blog at random, from all over the world. I never know who they are but I notice they have been here.

Funny, when I started back in the summer of 2005, I didn’t think anyone would bother to read anything here. Or at least not many and not a lot. In fact, I only started because of one person asking me if I was doing anything creative. She’s still around the internet, I still see her online from time to time. Probably I have written this before but I’ll do it once more just to say thanks for the inspiration to get me started. Who knows if I’d still be here typing almost nine years later if I had never entered that chat room over at that site and started talking.

Lately, I have found my blog to be lacking in good writing. I don’t post a lot, and when I do I find my texts to be short, shallow and mostly pointless parades of random words. Not like it used to be. Over the years I have published some very personal texts dealing with my life in many ways.

Dreams don’t come true if they’re not pursued. Dreaming it is not enough. You have to chase the dream. Catch it and make it real. I have just been dreaming my life away, never getting started. Probably my fear of failure is to blame, which means the only person I can point my finger at is me, myself and I. My fault. All my fault.

Never got going, never wanted it bad enough to run after it and risk not catching up to it. Rather just keep dreaming while time runs away.

Same story about almost everything. Like love. Don’t even get me started on that topic. Endless row of failures, of maybe I ought to but what if I fail type of moments.

Been chasing love in all the wrong places with all the wrong tools. In fact, have yet to figure out how to chase it down at all. How the damn game is played.

So, stuck at watching John Hughes old movies and let my thoughts shake hands with my memories of youth while my dreams of romance slips its damp hand into mine and takes me for a stroll in dreamland.

Yeah, at least there’s one genius in the family: my oldest nephew – the music video director. Below this text of mine you’ll find a new directing and editing effort of his.

So damn proud of him. When we grew up, he was like my little brother more than he was my nephew and I always knew he’d get where he wanted to go. Wouldn’t let anything stop him. Unlike me he seems to have managed his fears of failure, been courageous enough to keep on going no matter how long or how hard the road.

Spent today cleaning up in my small home. Trying to get rid of some clutter and junk so that I can look around without wanting to cringe in disgust. I think I did a decent job. Not all done, but very nearly done.

The good news of the day was announced by my oldest nephew, the music video director, on his Facebook page. He has been nominated for a Swedish Grammis (Grammy) award in the category Best Music Video of the Year. I feel very happy and proud. Of course I hope he will win the award, but even to be nominated is a great achievement.

This is the video that has been nominated:

Näääk feat Nimo – Vi Är Kvar Här

So, with all this success all around me among family and relatives, I must admit I sometimes feel like the black sheep of the lot. Like a slacker, underachiever. Loser.

I know I should not bother listening to those thoughts, but I can’t pretend they aren’t there.

Yes I know. Been away too long from here. Actually I’m here almost every day thinking I ought to write something, but I end up not doing it. Reason? Well, I don’t have much news and the state I’m in now is kind of depressing. So, I feel like I shouldn’t write about feeling blue and alone too much because I think I have done that too often and nobody likes a pessimist much these days, or any day at all.

Which means that until I can write something positive I’ll just remain silent. Maybe I’ll post some songs or some video I might find on YouTube but that’s all.

Anyway, while I’m here I might aswell write some about the current situation. Still no employment, still getting by on the bare minimum of government aid. Still alone. Still working on changing all of that. Not really having the hope anymore but still trying to get myself moving forward day by day.

One ray of light is the office newsletter. I’m contributing some reviews and other texts about movies. I also have some other ideas that I will pitch to the editors soon. Working on the newsletter has got my creativity back up again. Always a good thing.

What else -without my family, relatives and internet friends I wouldn’t be much good at all. They keep me going.

Also music, movies and television shows. Always give me ideas for things to write.

The darkness of winter is at full force. Days are short of daylight and nights are long. It adds to my feeling down and out but there’s only one way to deal with it: endure. Around the end of March it will be over.

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MoonieZ

Welcome ! I'm the author of this blog. I write about my daily life, my interests and the world around me. Sometimes I also have a little fun with words. Just so everyone knows that not every word posted here is true.