“Also wi-fi is everywhere these days, so I can kick up a fuss in almost any situation in order to get the attention I so desperately crave.”

Hypochondriacs believe wi-fi causes human tissue to mutate at a cellular level due to electromagnetic resonance, or some other pseudo-scientific nonsense they descovered on the internet.

Brain surgeon Donna Sheridan said: “If people are concerned about wi-fi they should come and see me so I can at least have the satisfaction of telling them to stop being time-wasting, superstitious peasants.

“Alternatively wearing a metal bucket on your head will block out both wi-fi waves and your ill-informed bleating.”