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Well, the good news is that the live auditions are finally over. The bad news is that about 100 innocent souls who spent weeks (months?) riding the high of their first audition, thinking they had real, megastar-worthy talent, will have their dreams squashed and never be seen nor nor heard from again. Glass half full! For the sake of full disclosure, I must say that I attended X Factor bootcamp last year, and can confirm that it's a hot, bloody mess. It's the judges and some publicists and a few (lucky?) reporters sitting in a giant auditorium for 16 hours, as countless stressed beyond belief singers belt out R&amp;B hits in the bathrooms, in the hallways, just everywhere. It's like the final moments before opening night of a Lima, Ohio high school musical on meth. There's crying, there's panic, there's judges needing to take a million breaks. It's also kind of boring, because hearing 120 auditions in one day is a lot. Anyway, let's put the Simon Cowell "that's enough" hand up on my rambling and do this thing.
The episode opened up with an at-home montage of the singers that will probably end up making it to the judges' house round, because why would they waste our time? 17-year-old Willie Jones was feeling the nerves in Shreveport, Louisiana, as was 18-year old rocker chick Jennel Garcia in Rochester, Mass. "It's time to grow up," she said. Totally! X Factor bootcamp auditions are right up there with going to college, realizing that boys aren't very nice after you sleep with them, and buying your first car. We all go through it.
We also saw 39-year-old Vino Allen, who I think took the subway to Miami, in New York, and the Cali bros from Emblem3 surfing in Huntington Beach. That's some X Factor juxtaposition for you. Then there was the adorable gay Jason Brock, sexy vocal coach Tara Simon, next-Whitney candidate Diamond White, InTENsity survivor Arin Ray, and bullying victim/ugly-cry aficionado Jillian Jensen. "It's your time now," Jillian's mom ugly-cried. "Do it!"
That's what's so sad about this — each and every one of these contestants, at least the ones under 30, think it's "their time." Because they're young, they're innocent, they haven't been exposed to the gentle indifference of the universe just yet. For many of them, today will be that day — the day they discover that life is chaos, and no matter how much they pray, God simply does not care if they win — even if they were bullied in high school, or share a room with 27 siblings. The world is not the delicious oyster described by their pre-recession-era parents, it's more like a rancid salad prawn that you just have to tolerate. First you have to accept the crappy-ass prawn, then you can go on an existential quest to find meaning and order within the prawn. Did that metaphor make sense? No, it did not. Either way, I hate seeing devastated people on TV. Then why do you recap a singing competition show, you ask? Because I'm trying to sort out my prawn, that's why.
Anywho, the cattle arrived in Miami, and we were treated to a montage of sexy youngsters gettin' their tan on at their luxury resort. Suspiciously, the morbidly obese wheelchair-bound pastor was not included in this shot. Hmmm. Once inside the arena, we were told that half of the contestants would go home by the end of the night. There were currently 120, so in case you're not into the maths, that means 60 dreams would be broken that day.
Next: People sing, people go home. CeCe Frey wins best bitch-face.
First up was 13-year-old cutie pie Diamond White. She sang "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston, and my new favorite person ever CeCe Frey looked like she wanted to cut a b***h. It was that good. 21-year-old single mom Paige Thomas admitted that she was afraid to follow that act. But alas, she did't have to. We breezed through probably 50 auditions, and again were only given approximately three seconds with Sister C, who I still think sound pretty good. But according to Britney Spears' face, I am wrong:
We saw a few more rando auditions before the infectiously enthusiastic Jason Brock killed it again, which briefly thawed my icy hard heart. Ditto for middle schooler Carly Rose Sonenclar, who really freaked out that (I'm sorry) AWFUL little girl who sang "Tomorrow" last week. You know, the one with the pigtails and the pink and the sparkles and the alcoholism in ten years.
22-year-old Jessica Espinoza, who wowed the judges with her version of Pink's "Nobody Knows" during the live auditions, was clearly very nervous — and Demi Lovato wasn't helping. "You are one of the only people in this competition that I remembered their first and last name," Demi announced. ("F*** you," replied everybody else.) Pressure! Jessica sang that Whitney/Mariah song from the 1998 animated flick The Prince of Egypt, and this time judges' reactions were less enthusiastic: Britney made her signature stink face, and Demi claimed to be disappointed. "She wasn't as good as I remember," Demi whispered to her cohorts. Ouch! This just goes to show, yet again, that the wrong song choice can ruin everything.
Jennel Garcia, who I still think is our front-runner, showed up on stage wearing what I think was the same fringe-tastic, totally age-inappropriate outfit from her first audition. Her second audition was great, if a bit oversexed. "Crazy sex appeal," said the judges. They were right — I mean, just look at Simon's face:
Also, to get a sense of how the female competition felt about her performance, please see HBIC CeCe Frey:
Next up was Josh Krajcik Vino Allen, who sang beautifully and wowed everyone but Britney. Then we were treated to a montage of sadness, as Johnny Maxwell forgot his lyrics, Jordyn Foley — the "Annie" reject — sang horrifically, and Manny Acosta just blew it. Same goes for Trevor Moran, the fresh-faced youngster who sang "I'm Sexy and I Know It" last week. Aw. I expected great things for him.
But wait, it gets worse: A 12-year-old boy forgot the lyrics and melody to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and just totally broke down, and the cameras followed him for an insanely insensitive amount of time. "My nerves took over," he said as he stood there, petrified. "I want my mom," he later cried offstage. Oh my God, this is totally the Rachel Crow-cident of 2012. He should probably go to Jillian Jensen for some advice, as every kid he goes to school with will see this, and kids are jerks.
On a lighter note, Emblem3 were confident to the point of laughing at every boy band that went before them, and then they had the nads to come out and sing their take on the freaking Goo Goo Dolls, who just so happen to be one of the worst bands of all time. Demi LOVED their performance, and Simon said that "the guy in the hat" was by far the best singer. Bet he's feeling pretty good about himself tonight. Before Tara Simon hit the stage, we were shown this weird clip of her dancing on a pole and just generally trying to be sexy, and then she showed up wearing a completely unflattering leopard-print dress. She writhed around on stage and vamped her way through "Somebody to Love" and Britney and Demi were... not impressed:
Finally, it came time for what's going to end up being the big, bodacious bootcamp battle of 2012: Paige Thomas versus the aforementioned CeCe Frey. Both girls picked Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You," but one was significantly more confident in her abilities than the other. "This is my jam, and I'm going to go out there and work it," said CeCe. "The pressure just makes me perform that much better." It's on! From my perspective, Paige — who went first — struggled a little with the high notes, but it was still a good audition. "The only thing that could potentially get in her way is a comparison to another performer who looks similar," mused L.A. Reid.
That's so funny! Because, conveniently, here she comes — CeCe, whose confidence on a scale from one to ten was at a 25 (her words), came out and proudly announced that she too would be singing Whitney. "OOOOOHHHHH" said everybody. Sing-off! CeCe ultimately sang it better, in my opinion. Her voice had more... texture to it, and she didn't falter at all on the high notes. "One of you actually nailed it," Simon said. He never told us which one, but CeCe had an inkling. "I'm about to bring the CeCe thunder here at bootcamp," she said. Okay.
Then, unceremoniously, it was time for cuts. They played the Requiem For a Dream song while the judges made their choices, which shows you exactly what kind of show X Factor is — a modern-day incarnation of the theatre of the absurd. X Factor cuts are heroin-addict levels of serious. So they split the contestants into three groups, and you know the rejects knew they were doomed as soon as they saw that they were with the kid who forgot the lyrics to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and cried. The first group had Jennel, Jason Brock, Diamond White, and Paige Thomas, so you knew they would be safe. Simon did his usual "it's bad news" schtick, but I don't even think they fell for it. So 2002, Simon. Group B had Jessica Espinoza, and also that "Annie" girl, so it was a no. Britney was crying, "I'm Sexy and I Know It" Trevor Moran was crying, and it sucked. It always sucks. But X Factor would never end on a bad note (hah), so out came Group C, with CeCe Frey, the morbidly obese guy (Freddie Combs), Johnny Maxwell, Tara Simon and Jillian Jensen. They all went through, and the world would remain their oyster for at least another day.
Follow Shaunna on Twitter @HWShaunna
[PHOTO CREDIT: FOX]
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Top Story: Jessica Simpson Gets ABC Sitcom
Pop singer-turned-reality TV star Jessica Simpson has signed a development deal with ABC to star in a comedy series project targeted for fall 2004. According to The Hollywood Reporter, producers Ted Harbert and Joe Simpson, the singer's father and manager respectively, are considering a concept for the half-hour sitcom in which Simpson will play a character loosely based on herself, a pop star whose squeaky-clean image has made her an American sweetheart. "She was delightful in a room, she was charming and poised and funny, and the networks responded, but ABC's been wonderful through this," Harbert told The Reporter. "We think Jessica exudes that all-American charm that I think ABC identifies themselves with, and, in our mind, it is a perfect fit that can go on any of their comedy nights." Simpson's last two albums haven't matched the success of her 1999 debut album Sweet Kisses, but the singer recently struck gold with Newlyweds: Nick &amp; Jessica, her MTV reality series with husband Nick Lachey, which was recently picked up by the music cabler for a second season.
Douglas, Zeta-Jones Awarded $24,250 in Damages
Hollywood couple Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas won just $24,250 in damages from the UK's Hello! magazine Friday--a far cry from the $831,000 they wanted from the tabloid for having published unauthorized photos of their wedding. Judge John Lindsay ruled that Hello! could be blamed for publishing the photos but not for the distress caused by the intrusion of the uninvited photographer, Reuters reports. He did, however, rule that rival OK! magazine was entitled to damages of about $1.7 million because Hello! had spoiled their exclusive deal with the couple.
Revlon Renews Berry Contract
Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry, who stars in the upcoming thriller Gothika, has renewed her contract to appear as a spokeswoman for Revlon Inc., the company announced Friday. The Associated Press reports Berry recently finished an advertising campaign for the New York-based Revlon's summer 2004 collection. Other Revlon spokeswomen include Julianne Moore, Jaime King, Karen Duffy and Eva Mendes.
Couple Sues Justin Guarini
A Bethlehem, Penn., couple filed a $100,000 lawsuit Friday against Justin Guarini, alleging the American Idol runner-up drove his truck into the rear of their car. The lawsuit, filed in Northampton County Court, contends that Guarini was looking at papers and took his eyes off the road when the vehicles collided on March 12, 2002. According to the AP, Bethlehem police cited Guarini for following too closely to the couple's car. He filed papers to appeal the ticket but decided it wasn't worth leaving Los Angeles to appear in court and paid the $25 fine and $75 in court costs instead.
Bruce Almighty Banned in Egypt
Egyptian authorities have banned the comedy Bruce Almighty, which stars Jim Carrey as a TV reporter who gets to be God for a week, because they say the comedy infringes on God's sacredness. "The name of the movie--Bruce Almighty--indicates that there is someone who can do anything and everything," Madkour Thabit, head of the state-run censorship body responsible for audio and visual productions, said in a statement faxed to the AP. "Such traits belong only to God." In June, Egyptian censors also banned The Matrix Reloaded because it challenged the topics of existence and creation.
Boxer Suing Stallone Over Rocky Films
Chuck Wepner, the 65 year-old boxer who was the inspiration for Sylvester Stallone's Rocky films, plans to file a lawsuit in New Jersey State Court next week against the actor for illegally using his name to promote the films and other merchandise, the AP reports. Wepner fought Muhammad Ali in March 1975 and went 15 rounds before he was knocked out. Stallone was at the fight and went on to write the screenplay for the 1976 pic Rocky, which went on to win Academy Awards for best picture, film editing and directing. Wepner, who is seeking $15 million in damages from the right of publicity claim, said he waited almost 28 years before filing the suit because he always expected Stallone to compensate him.
Piracy Forces Early Release of 50 Cent Album
The debut album from the 50 Cent-led group G Unit was moved four days due to piracy, Billboard.com reports. Beg for Mercy will now be issued Nov. 14 by Interscope. "What can you expect when you're the hottest rapper around?," 50 Cent said in a statement. "The streets are used to gettin' my music the unconventional way. So if they want it why not give 'em the real deal as soon as you can?" To reward those who buy the album, Interscope will insert four "golden tickets" in the first million copies of Beg for Mercy, with winners receiving a chain necklace with a diamond-encrusted G Unit medallion valued at $12,500.
Duran Duran Kicks Off Comeback Tour
Duran Duran will kick off a tour with all its original members for the first time in 18 years on Nov. 8, Billboard.com reports. But organizers say Duran Duran is only playing 17 theater dates for its 2003 tour in order to create enough buzz and avoid being labeled "a nostalgia act." During the summer, the original five members, guitarist Andy Taylor, bassist John Taylor, drummer Roger Taylor, keyboardist Nick Rhodes and vocalist Simon LeBon, played some warm-up shows in Los Angeles, New York and Las Vegas--all of them sell-outs. On Nov. 4, EMI rolled out the DVD anthology Greatest, which contains the group's classic videos, and a new album is targeted for release in early 2004.
Role Call: Guzman and Ferguson Join Lemony Cast, Murphy in Box
Luis Guzman and

Top Story
Sanitized Sex? No thanks, say the networks. HBO recently pitched edited repeats of its Emmy Award-winning comedy Sex and the City to all four major networks, but ABC, NBC and Fox have all passed on picking up the series, Variety reports. While CBS hasn't ruled it out, it isn't expected to bite either. Insiders said the networks balked at the whopping $3 million an episode price tag, given that the first few seasons of Sex are available on DVD and the show is rerun repeatedly on HBO. Network executives also expressed concerns that scheduling Sex might be perceived as a vote of no confidence in their own comedy development. HBO will run 12 additional original episodes of the series this summer, then eight more starting in January 2004. After that, the series is set to end.
Celebs
Limp Bizkit front man Fred Durst, who posted a message on his band's Web site about his warm and fuzzy feelings for Britney Spears saying, "Anybody out there who has a serious problem with my feelings for Britney should just chill," is changing his tune, People.com reports. In an interview on TV's Access Hollywood, which aired Monday, Durst said Spears's life is too much for him to get involved with. "She has a life like Michael Jackson. It's, like, out of control ... The people around her, pulling at her, people around her that are full of (expletive), just agreeing with her, like, it's kind of crazy, she almost can't see what's real and what's not."
Benjamin Curtis, better known as Steven in the Dell computers' "Dude, yer gettin' a Dell" commercials, was arrested in New York on Sunday for marijuana possession, Reuters reports. Police said they spotted Curtis late in the evening on a street corner in Manhattan's Lower East Side holding a plastic bag filled with marijuana. The complaint did not say how much marijuana was in the bag. At his arraignment Monday, a Manhattan criminal court judge adjourned the case for one year and said the charges could be dismissed if Curtis, who lives in New York City, stays out of trouble for the next 12 months.
Movies
Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta-Jones and producer Laura Bickford, who worked together on Traffic, are reteaming for the racetrack heist thriller Monkeyface, Variety reports. The film, directed by Stephen Frears, revolves around a couple of criminals knocking off a racetrack. Douglas and Zeta-Jones play conniving hustlers who are at first adversarial. Monkeyface will shoot in Miami in late September.
Tim Allen is in negotiations with Paramount to develop and star in the studio's remake of Father Knows Best, based on the classic 1950s television series that starred Robert Young. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the draft, which is likely to undergo some rewrites in the coming months, centers on a child who lies about his dad's credentials when he enters him in a father-of-the-year contest. Dad first vows to tell the truth but keeps up the ruse when the woman giving the prize turns out to be a beauty.
Tube
Producers of ABC's game show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? plan to resurrect the once-hit series for the WB network with a slightly meatier jackpot. According to Reuters, Michael Davies--who imported Millionaire from British TV--is close to a deal to create a similar show for the WB network in which contestants have a chance to win $1 billion. There was no official comment from the WB, a part of AOL Time Warner Inc. But the source confirmed a report in Variety that Davies' Diplomatic Productions was developing the new show as a two-hour live special to air in September.
Stage
Matthew Perry will make his professional stage debut next month in a London revival of David Mamet's Sexual Perversity in Chicago, a chronicle of life on the carnal warpath in 1970s Chicago. Perry joins Hank Azaria and Minnie Driver in director Lindsay Posner's production, which starts previews May 3 at the Comedy Theater and opens its 13-week stand May 12, Variety reports.
Music
The video for American Dream, the single from Madonna's new album due April 22, depicts the "catastrophic repercussions and horror of war," her publicist Liz Rosenberg said Monday. "It is an antiwar video, but the purpose of the video, as with a lot of Madonna's work, is to be thought provoking," she told Reuters. The video is "a panoramic view of our culture and looming war through the view of a female superhero portrayed by Madonna," Rosenberg said "(Then) it just starts to go haywire and goes into other things ... it kind of takes it into a more violent direction."
Lollapalooza is back! After a six-year hiatus, the traveling music festival will once again hit the road this summer with some of the top names in rock, organizers said on Monday. Jane's Addiction, the alternative rock quartet who conceived the event in 1991 as a way to mark its brief swan song, will headline with emerging acts Audioslave, Incubus, Queens of the Stone Age and Jurassic 5 joining them, Reuters reports.