Month: March 2017

Growing up I felt envy a lot. I was envious of girls if they were pretty, smart, funny etc because I wanted to be just like them. With an eating disorder there is a triggering aspect of one person doing a behavior and then the other person wanting to do the same thing. When one person says they have done something I feel horrible about myself for not doing it. It shows when I was in treatment and we would talk about our behaviors from the night before. If I did well, I felt bad for that if someone else used a behavior. The reason for this was because I felt they had more control than I did. Then I would go and do that behavior the next night. Once someone said something about something I ate in a treatment center and I have never been able to eat it since because I felt bad about myself. (This fear is a great motivation for being strong so I will get over this fear of this food and soon) Now that I am doing well I have something else to give to myself besides pain. My eating disorder was a form of self-harm I believed I deserved since I was young. Now I want to give myself physical and mental strength. When I see people who are strong, I look up to them, and then when all I want is some trivial, thing just to be accepted, I envy. Finding the beauty in a vision for yourself that also helps you life a happy life was my key for envy to disappear. Normally I would be jealous of the people who have what I strive for, but now I respect them for being this way. I respect my co-workers immensely for being all that they are. I don’t envy them, I admire them. I see them as beautiful but I don’t envy them, I look up to them. And the envy disintegrates as I make my way towards a recovered life forever. Recovery has given me the lovely feeling of seeing a dream of worthiness in myself reflected on someone else and being able to feel happiness instead of shame at my own self. Striving for strength seems to be the key. Striving for perfection left me envious and striving for strength left me inspired and happy. How much more free would we all feel with inspiration rather than evny? I would surely feel like I was dancing in the wind with birds fluttering around me writing yes into the sky. Moral: When you strive for something just so others look at you differently, this leads to insecurities and negative emotions. When you strive for something to help yourself, you can find the beauty in this new you and live a happy life.

ENTJ is the commander and ENTP is the debater. The people I look up to in ENTJ are Jim Carrey and Harrison Ford. As for ENTP I look up to Adam Savage, Tom Hanks and Captain Jack sparrow. With every personality type I see a type of intensity that I love. The intensity from ENTJ I see that would make me love myself if I were that type of person would be the fact that they posses a piece of myself that I wish to be. I wish to be the type of person who knows when they are right and won’t let anyone take it away. A serious manner woven into the things they do when they are in a job situation telling people what they need to be doing. That type of courage is a type of intensity that I desire. I would love myself with the debater personality because they seem respectable and fair. Now, I am having a little trouble understanding this one so I will do more research on this a little later but from what I understand, these people will look at situations from all sides. This makes them, like I said, seem very fair and thus respectable. These kinds of people are so strong in a way I wish to be myself. I wish to not care about what others think about my opinions. I wish to be strong and share my opinions without backing down and apologizing for my beliefs. Love yourself as an ENTJ for being strong and standing up for who you are and love yourself as an ENTP for being strong and standing up for what you believe in. Standing up for anything is intense as you speak your mind with fire in your eyes because the importance of your words shows in every inch of you as you fight.

People I look up to in INTJ are Michelle Obama and Jane Austen. If I was an INTJ I would love myself for the idea of being a bookworm since childhood. I didn’t like books as child and I think many children aren’t too thrilled with the idea of reading. (Correct me if I’m wrong on that) I love myself today in my INFP nature because I love to read especially in a time where many read even on a screen. However, I wish I had been a bookworm all along, since childhood. When I remember all the things I was doing as a child, it would have been much more productive to even have read just a little bit. It has also been said that INTJ have trouble expressing their emotions. I have a past post on the beauty of vulnerability and the beauty of not being able to express your emotions. I found that if I was a person who could not express emotions I would have a deadpan sort of nature like from Wes Anderson movies, and seeing those actors in that state makes me like the idea of a deadpan personality. Like I have stated in the past, this may be harmful to your mental health, but if you cannot help not being able to express your emotions, don’t get trapped in self-loathing because of this part of you, because I have found worthiness in it. INTP is the logician. People with this personality I look up to are Albert Einstein and Ellen Page. If I had this personality I would love myself for scientific discoveries as I love science. I imagine these people to spend countless hours in science labs which is a version of intensity that I love. This reminds me of those science fiction movies and shows and how I want to be that scientist stuck in his/her mind trying to solve problems.

These are two more personalities from the myers briggs test. First off, let me just say that my mother is an ISFJ (defender), I believe, and I already aspire to be like her so I already know why I wish to be this personality. I should also say that this is the second post of the worthiness I see in each personality type from the most accurate personality test I have taken. My mother as an ISFJ takes care of people while also taking care of herself. She does so much that she reminds me of the definition of a warrior and when I am strong I see her in myself and I want to be the kind of person who is able to do as much as she does because it’s amazing. Even if I am remembering wrong and she isn’t and ISFJ, then the piece of her that I look up to the most is the defender parts of her. The people I look up to in the ISFJ category are Kate Middleton and Mother Teresa. These are the angels who can work tirelessly to help others and can be so impressive whilst doing so. ISTJ is the logistician. People I look up to in this category are Natalie Portman, Denzel Washington, and Hermoine Granger. The myers briggs website states that people who have this personality type enjoy taking responsibility for their actions. I find that completely respectable. I find that I do that because I don’t want people to get angry with me, but I wish I did it for the reasons of the ISTJ. ISTJ are very responsible and I believe that to be a very likable quality and very grown up. I found the worthiness of being grown up when I was in a tough situation and acted like a child. At the time I didn’t care, but after the fact, I was ashamed of myself and wanted to be responsible to take away that shame. So I would love to be responsible like the ISTJ. I also love the idea of being calm like the website states this personality is. Calm reminds me of water. And this reminds me of being graceful. This whole personality reminds me of being a water like being while solving some intense problem with patience and grace.

The myers briggs test gives an extremely accurate idea of who you are. It reminds me of astrological signs but more accurate. I am a Leo and I’ve never been into the star signs because I do not identify with the Leo sign. However, I identify with my quiz results of the myers briggs test. So I have decided to get into the shoes of every result for the most accurate quiz I have seen and find a reason to wish to be every single one including the one that I was put into. I will be doing this over a course of a few posts. Taking this test has made me okay with my personality so I have decided to share with you why I like being INFP and why I would wish to be all the others ones that you can be. INFP stands for introverted, intuitive, feeling, prospecting and turbulent. The people I look up to in this category are William Shakespeare, Anne from Anne of green gables, Alicia Keys, and Regina Specktor to name a few. I like being intuitive because it makes me feel like I am magical. I think I am good at reading others emotions and I never thought much of it until this quiz. Being intuitive is like living in a magical place. This category also means I am creative and I have always loved writing and anything creative. I saw a quote saying that I am half child and half ancient. This is a perfect example of the worthiness I see in both. I used to hate the idea of growing old but I like the idea of acting old. I can love acting like a child but also love acting old. I dress old but I am dressed old jumping around like a little kid. I can see the worthiness in childlike manner and an older manner in myself. I have made a post about this before but being introverted makes for a dreamer and a dreamer makes for a magical energy given off which I love about being a dreamer. I used to be ashamed at how much I remember about people, but apparently this is common with INFP. I used to believe that remembering so much meant that I was just insecure. Like I can only remember because being with people I am always comparing so being around people can often be very upsetting if I am stuck in my head. I felt I only remember because I am damaged but that’s not the case. Learning that I am INFP and seeing how others respond to this makes me completely okay with remembering so much. (Considering I remember little social details instead of details that will help me get A’s on all my tests) More magic to the INFP ideal for the remembering portion even if it’s not on tests. INFP have very contradictory personalities. We want to know who we are so bad but because we don’t fit into one certain label, we obsess over who we are because we can’t figure our own personalities and souls out. Taking this quiz and reading quotes has changed my own perspective of, “I have no clue who I am! Am I fake a child who really has an old soul? Or am I a fake old soul who is really a child!?” No I am just, “Half old and half ancient.” It makes no sense but the fact that others feel the same way is very helpful for me to accept this piece and not try to figure out which side of me is the real one. “Who on earth am I!? I like being with people but I need to be alone!” Well, I’ve always wanted to be mysterious and even though I don’t believe I am, being a “walking contradiction” makes for me to be a complete mystery to myself. I must point out that because I fit into this category I am obviously relating to it more. In the coming posts I will find the worthiness in each type based upon certain desires to fit into the rest of the categories but because I can’t relate to all of them, I might not get into as much detail as I am here.

This is response to a wordpress challenge. https://dailypost.wordpress.com/discover-challenges/speak-out/. Memories alone can show the blueprints to worthiness. This time, this memory shows me the worthiness in positivity. This post is also about stigma I feel towards positivity. Yes, some people judge me for being positive and it hurt. It took the smile from my face that was supposed to be there for good. I am a positive person but some people get annoyed with positivity. I’ve had my positivity really be described as annoying as recently as a few months ago. I blogged about it awhile ago but it still bothers me. It bothers me that my laughter made me embarrassed after being called out in front of everyone. This sounds weird right? Why would someone call out someone who is just trying to be positive like they are doing something so wrong? Well, I have been looked down upon for it quite a few times. So I decided to share a story about my favorite memory of being positive in hopes to show how lovely positivity can be. I went to a doctor and this woman was taking my blood months ago. Her positivity and my own made for a day that makes me smile. She smiled as soon as I walked in and was so polite. To the point where I miss her and I’ve only known her for less than an hour. This was months ago and I remember her. I decided to joke around with her and we talked about my dog and actually had a fun,happy time in those 15 minutes. She said to me, “You’re funny. When are you coming back next so we can laugh?” I barely knew her, yet our positivity made us want to know each other. It made her want to know me and me to know her. Being happy should not be looked upon as fake or annoying. Not just her though. Everyone I’ve met who is positive I want to be friends with forever. Being funny is a joy especially with all the different ways of being funny. Positivity is worthy and don’t feel ashamed like I have in the past for smiling. It is perfectly okay to be positive. I know this might be a strange post as it seems to be what most people want in friends these days, someone positive, but I have been in the opposite situation and it really hurts.Speak Out

My annoying brain has convinced me I was both shy and outgoing and different times in my life. The problem with this is that my brain convinced me I was something just after it convinced me that the opposite was the worthy one. I told myself I was shy when my head told me it was worthy to be outgoing. Then once my brain told me I was only worthy if I was shy, suddenly I believed myself to be outgoing. So what I am left with is the memories of the beliefs I’ve had of the worthiness of both of these things that you can be. So I will channel my annoying brain and share how to love yourself with whichever you are.

Shy- Introverted and liking to be alone can have it serious perks. You can love yourself if you love being by yourself because of how you dream. I find that a lot of introverts like myself are dreamers. I like to stay in my imagination and it makes things so much more magical. It makes the way I walk and carry myself hold a different nature from the rest because of what my mind is on in the moment. Maybe I am bouncing a little more as I walk because of something I am dreaming of. I found all this beauty from when I spoke and my brain told me I should stay silent because only that is beautiful.

Soul mate to loving myself: (This is a phrase I use for seeing myself in someone else that makes me love myself-because it’s easier to love others than yourself) Emma Watson-She has spoken about how she feels different because she doesn’t want to go out and do certain things with her friends. I have felt that way as well and I never knew she felt that way. I look up to her so much already that when I found out she is also an introvert, it made me okay with it even more.

Outgoing- Then there was the time I felt bad about myself for not being outgoing because I thought that outgoing was the worthy one. And this is why I thought outgoing was worthy. A long time ago my friends went to do something fun and exciting that I would probably have been too afraid to do. I beat myself up about it because I found the beauty in doing something exciting rather than staying indoors by myself. I found this beautiful this time because of the excitement and the energy of adventure with other people. Being outgoing is the key to being an angel. I may be kind when I am shy, but when we are confident, outgoing and kind is when we can go up to strangers and welcome them and be kind and loving to them just like an angel. I found all this beauty when I was silent and my brain told it was only beautiful if I would shout. Silly brain didn’t think these thoughts could backfire, but I found in my pain hidden things that canceled out all of the negative thoughts out. Hidden inside my scars was the evidence of beauty in everything and I was able to channel it.

Soul mate to loving myself: Andy Samberg- He is extroverted and thinking of him when I was being extroverted and funny is a great way for me to not feel ashamed when my brain tells me introversion is the beautiful one. Serena Williams- Her intensity mixed with extroversion makes me love myself in my extroverted times.

Moral of this story is that neither one or the other is more worthy than the other. You and everyone else can love you for whatever you are. You need to accept yourself and never change. But also, we can all be both. We don’t need to label ourselves. I consider myself an introvert but there are times in my life when I’ve been an extrovert. I’m sure most people have felt both at certain times in their lives.