I hate men. And I have some pretty good reasons why. Let’s start from the beginning. My own father abandoned me when I was two and has NEVER acted like a real father to me. He was a deadbeat – never paid his child support. And when his driver’s license was taken from him for it, he called me and my little sister up and acted like the victim to get us to pressure our mother to fix it. He shamefully manipulated his kids. After I turned 8, I started having regular visits with him. He’d promise that when my sister and I would come to visit, he’d do all kinds of fun stuff with us. He said we would go swimming and we’d just have such a BLAST. (I absolutely hate that word now). He promised we’d go to Six Flags and stuff like that. But when we were there in the summer, he would treat us like maids and babysitters. We spent our summers cleaning his house, doing his laundry, fetching him a beer, and changing his other kids’ diapers. He spend his time in bars or laying out in the sun perfecting his tan in his tiny, pink Speedo.
So I was raised by a single mother who was never there. She worked long hours and then partied in the evenings and weekends. There were men in and out of her life. It was like she picked up a new guy from a bar every week. Some of them were abusive towards me. As a teenager, I had no supervision whatsoever.
So I got pregnant at 15. I married that guy and for 5 years put up with more abuse than you could ever imagine. Sexually, physically, and psychologically. Evidence is now coming to light that he abused our child too. I had no idea as I was the one who worked while he sat at home “babysitting” i.e. drinking beer and watching sports. Then he abandoned us and I found out that while we were married, he cheated on me and knocked the girl up. Not once. But TWICE.
My second husband cheated on me at every opportunity. I’m sure it was because I’d gotten fat. We were married six years and then he left me for another woman.
My third husband was an old boyfriend. We originally started dating when we were 13 so there was a lot of nostalgia. I had had enough with men at this point so I thought, my old friend would be perfect. He would never hurt me. Wrong-o. He was almost as bad as my first husband. We were married 9 months because the abuse had gotten so bad.
It was December 6, 2010 that he was arrested for domestic abuse. The next day, I filed for a protection order. Shortly after, I filed for divorce. I simply could not be with someone who would hurt me like that. Especially after he knew all that I’d been through.
And then my savior came along. My current husband was like no man I’d ever met before. He was kind, gentle, and compassionate. He was a geek in all the right ways. He comforted me and took care of me. He promised he’d never hurt me. And I believed him. And I fell so hard in love with him. I was an atheist at the time and then converted to his religion because I believed in us so much. I accepted his proposal of marriage and even took out my IUD so we could have a child together (I had sworn I would never have a child again after the disaster with my first child.)
So we got married and immediately got pregnant with our honeymoon baby. She was the most wonderful, most precious thing that had ever happened to me. But the pregnancy was a difficult one. Not just because it was physically painful but because my husband had become very distant with me. I just thought it was because he was a first-time father and was nervous. When I finally confronted him about it, he said he had a *********** addiction and that he was no longer in love with me. I didn’t take the *********** thing seriously because just like most people in our culture, it’s not considered a bad thing. It’s considered very normal for men to look at it. But I freaked out about him not being in love with me anymore. How could this happen so quickly in our marriage? But I got over it and went into denial. He also didn’t show much interest in our daughter. He didn’t have much patience either. So I decided there would be no more children and had another IUD put in.
For the next year, I pretended everything was fine and worked very hard and lost all the pregnancy weight – convinced that it was all the weight I’d gained that had caused him to lose his attraction to me. And guess what? He still wasn’t interested.
But he had sex with me just enough to keep me placated. Basically, he *********** in me once about every six weeks. It would last less than 30 seconds every time. One night, he rolled over and we had one of these encounters. And six weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. I was absolutely devastated. I did not want to have another child and I knew I would feel like I felt when I was pregnant with my last child. In fact, it was even worse. I gained more weight very quickly and in my first trimester, he stopped sleeping with me. He withdrew from me even more. He was even nasty at times. He knew I couldn’t do a lot for myself. I would ask him to move something heavy for me and he acted like he was inconvenienced. I cried almost every single day.
After the baby was born and I lost a lot of weight and gained my strength back (physical and emotional), I realized he still wasn’t interested in me. And he was still sleeping on the couch. So I started researching *********** addiction and what I found out shocked the hell out of me. The big lie about men and *********** is that it’s normal and perfectly acceptable. But the truth is that it kills the intimacy between a husband and wife. It destroys families just like a drug, alcohol, or gaming addiction. It is nothing less than infidelity.
When I realized that this was the real reason he had pulled away from me (it wasn’t his “low sex drive” or “low ***** count” or any of that other bull crap) was because he was lusting after other women. How could he want me (especially after the damage done to my body by having two babies) when he was looking at and lusting after women with perfect bodies? I discovered that he was actually a sex addict!
I was absolutely distraught because I knew I could never live up to the standard these women had set. No matter how much weight I lost. No matter how many jumping jacks I did. No matter what surgeries I got, I could never measure up. He would never love and honor me because I didn’t and could not look like a **** star. Never mind the sacrifices I’d made to give him two perfect children, to keep our home in excellent condition, to earn four college degrees, etc.
No matter how much literature I read that “explained” the addiction and how it is just like any other addiction, I still can’t get over the pain and humiliation. In fact, the literature suggests that the man needs support. That he feels bad. And some even make it sound like HE is the victim. Why should he be the one to get the support? I have never done him wrong. I have been a faithful, loving wife and mother. I work so hard and when I’m not pregnant, I usually also have a full-time job.
And speaking of humiliation, his ENTIRE family knows. Yeah, ALL my in-laws know about my shame. They all know that I cannot satisfy my own husband.
And there’s nothing I can do except cry and feel sorry for myself. If it weren’t for the children we have together, I’d be gone. I would have moved out. But I can’t do that to my children. They need their father. I know because I desperately needed one. And I don’t want to be a single mother. I can’t have my children wind up like I did. I won’t be the one to break up the family over his issues. However, if he fails to be a father or if he chooses to stop supporting the family financially, he is gone.
At this point, I am convinced that he is only with me because he knows his economic future is set. He complains all the time that he’s getting old (he’s 40) and knows he will need to retire soon. He is counting on the fact that I have a bunch of college degrees and that I’ll be able to land a really good job.
Another thing I want to mention is that I have no one to turn to. I lost all my friends from my last divorce (all our friends were mutual). I can’t talk to his family because of the humiliation. I can’t talk to mine because I’m too ashamed. I can’t even pray because I am so angry at God.
How could God do this to women? How could he engineer men to want women only if they look perfect? Why do we have to be the ones to sacrifice and bear the children and then suffer further humiliation because our bodies change so drastically after childbirth? Explain to me how that’s fair?
And another thing, according to the scriptures, mine is the greater sin because I cannot forgive. So once again, my husband is the victim in this.
He is just like the rest. A selfish, disgusting pervert pig of a man. Just the sight of him nauseates me.
I say again. I hate men. I HATE them and I never want to be around one ever again. I don’t care to see my father again. I don’t want to be with my husband. I don’t want any male friends. And I will make sure that when I do start working again, they will be my subordinates.
I will teach my daughters the truth about how disgusting men are and how NONE of them can be trusted. I will teach them self-reliance so they never have to depend on a man for anything. I will protect them from this unbearable suffering I feel.