the Monsters Compendium of office buzzwords, written by nerds for nerds

the Monsters Compendium of office buzzwords, written by nerds for nerds

Some evils cannot be concealed by the power of the Elves. Who, then, do you look to? The Dwarves? The Consultants? They hide in their mountains seeking riches. They care nothing for the troubles of others. These perils belong to all the Stakeholders and it is up to them to […]

When you are on the verge of a fourfold crossrip or the release of a product upgrade to your customers, you might notice a PKE surge of incredible, even dangerous proportions pointing to something big on the horizon. How big? Let’s say this Twinkie represents the stress levels of your […]

You know exactly where you want to be, you just aren’t sure how to get there. What you need is a roadmap. Now don’t be naive, only an idiot would believe someone who told them you could get a roadmap down at the corner QuickieMart. No, I’m sorry, it’s going […]

When one feels pain, so does the other. They see through each others eyes and know the other’s thoughts. Because of a bond linking the two beyond that of most indentical twins, Tomax and Xamot are able to defeat nearly all foes, even Real American Heroes. They are redundant, supporting […]

While your immediate supervisors give you action items and project plans, Schemes of Domination usually come down from the Tower of Orthanc, the Galactic Core and the Executive Boardroom. These strategic initiatives usually include taking over a significant portion of the known universe and are lead by Emperors of ancient […]

Because “tasks” is too brief and “honey dos” is too… well… gay… you will now come away from staff meetings with a list of action items. No big deal. It’s a Quest Log, okay? Sure, there’s probably a lot of things you could be trying out, lots of cool things […]

Even more annoying than a pointless meeting is when two people get in a pointless argument on pointless topic that has nothing to do with the pointless meeting in the first place. Whoa. Stop right there. I’m sure everyone here in the Matrix is absolutely fascinated with your ideas to […]

When Management says, “We need to think outside the box”, they are basically telling you to take your “We can’t do X, because of Y” and shove it. Management doesn’t want to hear problems, they want to hear solutions. It doesn’t matter if the universal physics of the space-time continuum […]

Synergy is one of the most common, overly used buzzwords in the Corporate Language. You might already have heard it three or four times today in this morning’s staff meeting. Let’s say that I have a 4th level human druid. I’ve got 2 points in my Weather Sense skill and 4 […]