Good news — Forest City has finally solved Stapleton’s ongoing financial shortfall, and most residents will be overjoyed with the creative solution the Ohio-based developer has come up with: duck hunting blinds along Westerly and Sand creeks.

“Oh, we couldn’t be happier to be partnering with one of America’s most respected organizations — the National Rifle Association,” said Forest City President Phil Dargossi. “What’s more American than Stapleton? I’d say, duck hunting in Stapleton, but it’s not just limited to ducks — it’s open season on those pesky Canadian Geese, too.”

According to Dargossi, the NRA will build and operate 10 hunting blinds along the creeks and share revenue with the Stapleton MCA. “Hunting hours will be restricted, of course,” Dargossi explains. “There will be no hunting during peak school commute hours. Parents can rest assured their children won’t be picking buckshot out of their backsides.”

Most Stapleton residents who the Stapletonion was able to reach for comment were ecstatic.
“Oh, good god, yes. I hate those damn geese and their poop all over the place. Kill em’, kill em’ all!” said Betty Evans of South End, with a maniacal laugh. But others, while acknowledging the unrivaled opportunity to hunt duck and geese in a suburban environment, lamented the fact that deer and coyote were not included. “Well, sure, the geese are nuisance, but so are coyotes — didn’t anyone think of that?” asked Josh Hansen of Northfield. “I mean, with geese it’s just the poop everywhere but coyotes? Coyotes are killers; they take at least a Toy Poodle or a Pug every year.”

But then there were the true skeptics like Jenn Lembeck of Eastbridge, “What the f-, I mean, you’re kidding, right? This is a prank call.” We assured Mrs. Lembeck, we were not adolescent children trying to get a rise out her. “Who thought this would be a good idea? We’ve moving. Definitely, we’re outta here!” Mrs. Lembeck screamed as she hung up.

Regardless of the mix of emotions over exactly what can and cannot be hunted, and whether it’s really a good idea that duck hunting blinds dot the trails of Stapleton’s Westerly and Sand creek greenways, the vast majority of residents agreed the revenue generated by Stapleton-zoned hunting licenses and shotgun rentals will be a boon for the community.
“This is going to keep the coffers full,” said Dargossi with a twinkle in his eye. “Now we can deliver all those parks and pools everyone’s so pissed off about — makes my life easier.”