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Sunday, July 20, 2008

Ok everyone. It has now been 33 days since I met my birth mother. As I stated in my last posts on this subject…The meeting seemed to go very well and we parted with me feeling great and that we’d stay in touch. (get up to date)

I have not heard a word since her one line email, sent on the day we met, stating that she was happy that I came and she would write more later. I did not think that she was saying later as in a few months from then. I have sent her two emails since our meeting and have heard NOTHING in return.

I am soooooo pissed off. I mean…she emailed me before her trip to CA, asking if Id make the drive to go meet her. She was very excited and called me to confirm, etc. Now….nothing! I guess I just don’t get it. I think I need to get / have some sort of closure on this issue as I’ve been driving myself crazy with the shit-ass thinking that now I’ve been dumped by this lady….TWICE!!!!

I feel like a freakin pinball…thoughts bouncing all over the place. Did she close “that chapter” in her life? She checked it off her list and is now moving on? If so…fine…just tell me so. I could then at least know what the heck is going on. Is she sick…unable to call or email? Should I be worried? Should I call her? Did I do something at the visit that made her not like me?

I think that I’ve been through enough in life to be able to handle whatever it is, but…I just need to be told. If you don’t like me…tell me. If you do…tell me. If you just want to exchange emails once a year…tell me. If you want me in ...or out of your life…tell me. I could, at this point, give a shit. I have gone 40 years not knowing her and going back and forth about wanting to meet her. I can go the next 40 without her in my life. I’ve met her, know the story, etc…so…just give me SOMETHING!!!!!

I guess that the part that really gets to me is the fact that at the meeting (which Insane Mama was at too) everything seemed fine and it seemed like she wanted us to get together again. She talked about me and my half brother getting together (he only lives 2 hours away.)

The thing that I am scared of is closing the door, getting my closure and then having her call or email. I can’t go back and forth. At the same time…I can’t leave things as is and go on continuing to not know where she stands.

Maybe I’ll just send her a link to this blog so that she knows the hell that I am feeling. I don’t know.

22 Comments:

I say go with your gut here. Are you always going to regret something later if you don't do it? LIke sending her the link to your blog...Will you regret NOT doing that? Or will you regret doing it? Do what feels right, so that you can live with yourself feeling like you tried and did the best you could. That's important.

She missing out. I barely know you, but you seem so real and fun and interesting, and she is worse for not knowing the real you.

Babe, since I was there, I can say that nothing went wrong. You didn't do anything wrong. Perhaps an email to her asking her if this is closure for her, does she need more time? Because then you will know how she feels and what she wants. Don't hint or beat around the bush. Ask straight, honest clear questions. You don't need to go back and forth forever, it's not fair to you.

I think you should tell her exactly how you feel. I cannot begin to imagine her position/feelings or yours, but I can see that there doesn't need to be any new pain added into this mix. It is emotional enough, and so I think you need to let her know where you stand. I'm so sorry this isn't happening as you'd like it to, or as you thought it would. I wish you the best; I hope you end up receiving the outcome you'd like.Best,Stephaie

Do not give her the link to your blog. While you want her to know how you're feeling with regards to her and what is going on do you want her to read everything?

Honestly? I think you need to be direct and honest with her and tell her exactly how you are feeling.

This part is really good:

I feel like a freakin pinball…thoughts bouncing all over the place. Did she close “that chapter” in her life? She checked it off her list and is now moving on? If so…fine…just tell me so. I could then at least know what the heck is going on. Is she sick…unable to call or email? Should I be worried? Should I call her? Did I do something at the visit that made her not like me?

I think that I’ve been through enough in life to be able to handle whatever it is, but…I just need to be told. If you don’t like me…tell me. If you do…tell me. If you just want to exchange emails once a year…tell me. If you want me in ...or out of your life…tell me.

The thing that I am scared of is closing the door, getting my closure and then having her call or email. I can’t go back and forth. At the same time…I can’t leave things as is and go on continuing to not know where she stands.

I think it's important that you either do this in a snail mail letter that is certified or call her. Electronic mail is great but if she couldn't afford her bill or was disconnected for some reason then that could explain what is going on.

Either way I think *you* need to take the step and contact her and ask her, point blank, if she wants to continue having a relationship or if she would feel more comfortable if you backed off and let her take the reins for awhile.

I'm sorry you're going through this and sorry it's been so tough on you. You do *not* deserve to be held in limbo anymore. Contact her and deal with her answers so that you are able to move on with your life whatever her decision may be.

Did she seem kind of flakey when you met her? Some people just don't like alot of contact. Were your expectations about going forward discussed? I'm just asking. I depend alot on face to face meetings to get a feel for the person. 80% of what a person is telling you isn't with words...

That's horrible for you, but she may have a legitimate reason so please don't jump the gun and close the door on her now. She may be overcome with guilt, she may have been given a hard time by other family members or she may not have told them yet because she doesn't know how to. I know this is hard on you but it is probably just as hard on her too. Think things through before you contact her again. Is there any way you can drive over and meet her in person again? Sometimes face to face talks are better than the phone or email.

I know it's not because she didn't like you..insane mama's right about the back and forth though. I think I would write her a letter. Lay out what you need and expect and if she chooses to say no, then it's done.

oh chris, i hate that this is not turning out as you had hoped. do try one more letter, but DO NOT think you did anything wrong. if she does not respond, then just let it go with the knowledge that you did everything you could and that will have to be YOUR closure.

I agree w/preTzel. She may have a valid excuse for not replying to your email, such as her computer crashing... we've all been there & lived with that haven't we? Or, if she's got a free account, such as Yahoo, maybe your email to her has gone into her Spam folder & she hasn't seen it... God knows enough of my intended emails end up there & I have to go hunt for them daily.Give her the benefit of the doubt & make a phone call or send the certified letter.

I really feel for you. My son is only 8 and he is going through the struggle with his real dad. One day he wants to be a dad, that lasts for a few months, and then he disappears again. I certainly would send her this blog. She needs to know what she is doing to you. Then you'll know what kind of woman she is.

Wow tent...I didn't catch up on the birth mom email...but I will. I'm adopted as well (and 40) and have thought often of locating my birth mother....something always holds me back...because you never know what you're gonna get AND, you wonder, when they think of you and dream of you...in their mind, when you track them down...you're at least a brain surgeon or something, their "sacrifice" meant something! So you're probably as afraid they'll be disappointed in you as you are of them! It's scary and weird and I admire you for jumping off and doing it.

I have the mindset, "I'm not looking for anything I don't already have...I just want to know...." and I won't be heartbroken if she's a broken down crack whore in Vegas or an upper level exec in NY who just didn't want a kid....but you never know!

Let's face it Tent, we were born in 1968...I, in TExas, an unwed preggo MOm in 1968 in TX was still taboo (and I do know she was the third daughter of a baptist minister..hello, hell?) and I feel she did it out of love, for me. I have that thought and it feels right...what if I tracked her down and was wrong?

Could go either way and though I'm a gambler, not ready. But I may wait until it's too late? Would you do it over again now?

Thanks for that Robin. Yes. I would do it again...but would have left the meeting with an uderstanding of what would follow.I fund hr ..just to know. I was not looking for anything...just to turn off the I don't know in my head. I now know why she did it and what she's been feeling for the last 40 years. But her leaving me hanging again...just sucks!

As someone who has tried to connect to a parent let me tell you that I have been there, where you are, too many times. Don't get mad...you don't know what's going on with her...if you get mad, you may lash out, and say/do something you don't mean, which will put the relationship back instead of forward.She said she wanted to see you again, talk to you more, and that's what you need to believe. Just because you need more up to date information, doesn't mean that she does, or that she knows that...Ok, this could get really long...but the bottom line is NOT to draw conclusions...you have emailed...give some space and time...there could be a very good reason she hasn't contacted back...

About Me

TentCamper

I was adopted and born and raised on the East Coast (New Hampshire, Massachusettes, Connecticut, Maine, Virginia & Florida), but have lived in Southern California since 1994. I am a parent of 6 children. I love the outdoors and spending time with my family. We spend a lot of time tent camping and making fun of RV'ers and all of their "belongings".