This blog is obviously socio-political satire and you would have to be a complete moron to take it seriously

Tag Archives: Religion

Sometimes I wonder if it were even possible for God to express itself fully through a single human being, which leads me to reject the idea of God as anything other than the totality of all things. Personally, I believe that Jesus has reincarnated several times and each one of his incarnations has served to fulfill a part of his agenda. There is also the possibility that Jesus split himself into several souls and they are all here at once. But I don’t see how the omnipotent rapture-Jesus foretold by Revelations is possible.

If Jesus came down from heaven in all of his glory, he wouldn’t be able to define himself as human, because if he tried, everyone would be pissed off at him.

If he came back as a man, the women would be pissed.

If he came back as a white man, the blacks would be pissed.

If he came back beautiful, the ugly people would be pissed.

If he came back heterosexual, the gays would be pissed.

If he came back as an anarchist, the government would be pissed and probably do something stupid like nail him to another tree.

If he came back as a fascist, everyone would be pissed.

If he came back as a new-age hippie guru, the church would be pissed.

If he came back as a Democrat, the Republicans would be pissed.

There is no circumstance in which he could come back that wouldn’t piss someone off, possibly starting a war. Jesus himself, probably the most peaceful person ever, has been the motivation behind plenty of wars, from the Crusades to the Inquisition, and on into the modern age.

Like old Abraham Lincoln said, “You can please some of the people some of the time, but not all of the people all of the time.” This world is so divided, how could one person of one nationality, race, sex, and creed ever hope to lead it?

Jesus wants to please everyone. That’s why he generally tends to stay off this lousy rock. Its impossible to please anyone here because you are all bigots with your own idea of what is right and what is wrong. If Jesus tried to come back to this planet at the state its in now, he would inevitably piss a lot of people off, because he wouldn’t be anything they expected or were hoping for.

The fact of the matter is, it is logically impossible for Jesus to please everyone because everyone has conflicting agendas. How is it possible for someone who has to be everything to everyone to have his own identity? And indeed, the first time he came, he most certainly did not please anyone and in fact created a lot of conflict and pissed a lot of important people off by revealing everyone’s petty scams and trifling cons to the world, even at the highest levels of ‘society’. And ultimately everyone became so heavily invested in lies that they felt like they had to get rid of the one guy who was faithful to the truth.

People of the earth don’t like peace. They like war. They don’t like charity. They like mindless self-indulgence. How are you going to attract a soul of peace and charity when you are all a bunch of greedy assholes? Why would Jesus ever want to come back? On a planet this greedy, he would probably attract more haters than Obama, Justin Beiber, and Octo-mom combined.

And think of how Jesus would be exploited in the modern age. Companies would want endorsements. Someone would try to get him to do a porno. The military might try to turn him into a weapon. The Feds would try to use him as a spy. The mafia would set up a gambling racket around his behavior. Every country on Earth would want him to claim allegiance to their nation. Every loser on the planet would feel like he owed them something because of a bunch of false promises made by writers who never even met the man.

It’s like that scene in RoboCop 2 where the corporation that owned RoboCop was trying to re-program his brain to make him ‘better’, but ultimately corporate committee thinking just created a logically indecipherable chunk of code that wouldn’t compile!

So, in the end, if Jesus ever came back, I think he would probably reject Government, Religion, Big Business, and Society and just move into a shack in the woods and play guitar or something. I can’t claim to know the mind of God, but I know good people because I am one. From my point of view, what humans call ‘society’ is, in actuality, just a bunch of selfish people manipulating each other, and really, I don’t want any part of it. And I’m pretty sure that Jesus, Lao Tzu, and a lot of other holy wise men would probably agree.

Well it was Easter this weekend. I totally forgot about this until Sunday, when I went to do my grocery shopping for the week at my small town grocery store. I thought it was odd that the parking lot was totally empty and the lights were off. Then I noticed a sign on the front door that said: “Closed. Happy Easter.”

Happy Easter… unless you can’t get any any FOOD! WTF?

OK, first let me preface this rant by saying that I am a great admirer of Jesus Christ. I think he was a great guy, I have a lot of respect for his personal philosophy, and I seek to emulate his behavior in my own life.

However, even though Christ himself was awesome, the religion that mankind has built around his legacy is complete and utter garbage. This is so apparent in the holiday that Christians call Easter. I mean, the whole thing is just a slap in the face to everything Jesus stood for. They took his assassination and made it a fucking holiday, what a bad, tasteless joke. And the whole thing is CRUX to Christians, because this is the event that gets them off the hook for all their own sins, evil, and lies.

Once, a Christian asked me if I feared the “coming judgment” of Christ. I said no, because I am innocent. To which the Christian responded: “No one is innocent until they have been washed clean by the blood of Christ.”

So let me get this straight here: You bathe in the blood of your God’s dead son, and you think that this somehow makes you clean? That is some fucked up, twisted shit! I know Satanists whose ideas are a lot less perverted than that! But that is the way a lot of Christian people think. The crux of their philosophy is, basically: “Some guy died 2,000 years ago so that I can be an asshole today.” Here’s an idea: instead of performing these empty rituals in order to convince yourself that you are forgiven for your sins, why not try to actually BE A GOOD PERSON? In other words, WWJD?

I mean seriously, to take a good person like Jesus and basically make him responsible for all the world’s sin and lies is just sick. The whole thing is just a huge cop out for the bad behavior of humanity. I mean, how the Hell does it logically follow that Jesus’s execution absolves humanity of its sins? I mean, God’s son comes to visit Earth, the locals pop him off, and that somehow gets them OUT of trouble? If anything, I would think it would be the other way around! This “Jesus died for you” shit sounds to me like an excuse that was concocted by Jesus’s murderers. 1800 years ago, the Roman government handed down the proclamation:

“Jesus died for you.”

Don’t you mean that YOU KILLED JESUS FOR ME?

“No,” they say, “That had to happen. Wasn’t our choice.”

Bullshit. Jesus didn’t die for me, he lived for me, until a bunch of assholes had him killed. Don’t try to paint over the truth with his blood. The Bible is the Warren Report of the Roman Empire: Its the story of Jesus Christ as told by the same government that had him whacked.

And when they compiled the bible 200 years later, they took all the texts written about Jesus that supported their world view and made them canonical. Then they took all the texts that were incendiary, or revolutionary, or inconvenient to Roman rule, anything that would have opened peoples’ minds and made them harder to control, they took all that shit and burned it. And anyone that tried to keep copies of those documents for preservation, they executed. How Christian.

And what does the Christian bible imply about God? I’d say it implies that he was a pretty ineffective ruler. Have you ever read the Old Testament? Is it just me, or does God kind of come off as an asshole in that thing? He was always smiting people and handing down these ridiculous and impossible-to-follow rules… What a dick!

“Don’t have sex with more than one person at a time, don’t steal, don’t kill,” says God.

“But God,” you say, “Why did you give me a mind and body that wants to fuck everything that moves? Why did you put so much wealth in the hands of psychotic assholes who by their insensitive actions beg to be killed and robbed?”

“I didn’t do that,” says God, “Satan did.”

“Well who created Satan, asshole?”

Seriously, if Satan really does exist, I feel sorry for him. It seems to me as though he was a scapegoat for all of God’s mistakes. But then God had a son, and now Jesus fills the role of scapegoat. So basically, God gave Jesus Satan’s crappy job.

I would say that the Bible implies that God was a pretty shitty parent.

“Hey, Son, its about time you started to pick up your end of the family business. You see, I created this guy named Satan a while back. He got a little out of control and now things are all screwed up. Would you please kill him for me? Oh yeah, and I also created all these humans on a planet called Earth. Satan got up in there and corrupted them, and now the place is a total mess. Would you please go down there and clean all that shit up?”

Basically, I think that Christianity implies that children only exist to serve their parents. No wonder Christians are such shitty parents: look at the example they have to go by! They worship a God who killed his only son as some kind of sacrifice so that the world’s population can continue its orgy of killing, greed, and sin. What does Christianity imply about parenting? “Have a bunch of kids and put them to work on your farm.” What a bunch of self indulgent bullshit. This is what people mean when they say that Christians are “socially backwards”. They believe that youth exists to serve age, when really it should be the other way around.

Look at the holiday of Lent. You’re supposed to fast, and then Easter comes along and you can eat again! Why? Because after a short period of self-denial in tribute to him, Jesus is finally dead now, and we can all go back to being assholes again! Yay! The bosses’ kid is gone! Lets throw a party on the company dime!

The whole thing is just disgusting and hypocritical, and I… just can’t take it any more.

Sometimes, people tell me I should feel grateful to live in a country where we are free to worship God in any way we choose. These statements always burn me from the inside out, like acid in my veins.

People mistake their personal situation for the general situation. They think that, because they are free, the entire country is free. The truth is, if you are a white Christian of a recognized denomination, you ARE free to practice your religion in America. But if you choose a different faith, there’s a gun butt to your jaw and a dank, dirty jail cell waiting for you.

In Rastafari culture, there is a very important religious ceremony known as a ‘Reasoning’. A reasoning is a simple event where the Rastas gather; smoke ganja; and discuss ethical, social and religious issues. Many people do this in America as well, without even realizing it is a sacred religious ritual. Unfortunately, reasoning is illegal in America.

There exists in America a similar custom which is tolerated by the law. It’s called ‘Holy Communion’. A Holy Communion is a simple event where the Christians gather, drink alcohol, and discuss ethical, social, and religious issues. Sound familiar?

My question is: What is the difference between the Communion and the Reasoning? If your mind is free of prejudice, there is no difference. But the bigots that comprise the ‘powers that be’ will always try to ‘teach’ you by installing their prejudice in your mind.

They say that cannabis is an evil plant that has no spiritual value, but my life experience says otherwise. These old eyes have personally witnessed the mystical effects of cannabis on the hearts and minds of my fellow humanity. I have seen ganja impart empathy and conscience to those who previously had none. Cannabis has transformed simpletons and petty materialists into theologians with complex philosophical ideas. Ganja has awakened the spirit of individualism and free thinking in those who were previously hard-coded robots. It has broadened the perspectives of many, and turned those who partook into better people than they were before they tried it.

Do you ever wonder why hippies care about the environment? Its because they have been reminded of their responsibility to it through the smoking of the sacred herb. Some people don’t smoke cannabis, and instead prefer alcohol. These tend to be the ones who care nothing of the fate of humanity. They are cut off and numb to the world, and spiritually dead inside.

Not to bag on alcohol too much, we all need a drink now and then, but I’m tired of this commonly propagated lie that alcohol is harmless and cannabis has no value. They say that cannabis is a petty escape from reality. That may be true of alcohol, but not of the sacred herb. Cannabis is a mild psychedelic. It is not an escape from reality, and anyone who uses it with that intention will be sorely disappointed. Cannabis amplifies reality. And if you have any skeletons in your closet, cannabis will shove them right in your face. That is why the evil ones cannot partake in it.

There is a saying amongst potheads: “Man made beer, and God made pot. God is perfect, man is not.”

But whatever your opinions of cannabis and alcohol are, there is one argument you must consider: The first amendment to the Constitution says that the government cannot prohibit anyone from the free exercise of their religion. Considering the fact that many religions view cannabis as a sacrament (including certain sects of Christianity), shouldn’t this make anti-pot laws unconstitutional?

Why should some denominations of Christianity be able to get together on Sunday, drink alcohol, say that it is a sacrament that helps them commune with the Holy Spirit, and that’s fine with the law. But if a Gnostic or Rastafarian church wants to do the same thing with pot, its a crime? Is this not a clear cut case of religious discrimination, and a government that prohibits the free exercise of one religion while legally respecting another?

Sadly, the pro-cannabis religions are a tiny minority, and their rights are swept under the rug. The problem is, anyone who isn’t directly effected by prohibition could really give a rat’s ass about someone else’s rights. People who aren’t effected by an unjust law are not going to fight it on general principle. Johnny Wasp, as he sips his wine after church, doesn’t care at all that the government violates the civil liberties of Rastafarians by locking them up for pot. It doesn’t effect him.

And our Supreme Court, composed of Justices who are supposedly our wise and uncorruptable social and intellectual betters, doesn’t give a rat’s ass either. They are so Eurocentric that they cannot even comprehend why cannabis could be considered a religious sacrament. And they are further motivated by psychological evidence that suggests pot users are more sympathetic to certain political causes. Political causes that the Justice’s wealthy constituents view as a threat (ie- socialism). Once again, capitalism trumps religion in America.

We live in a country where selfishness is our only principal. With that weak of a foundation, of course minority rights will be trampled by the ensconced majority culture. If it were THEIR church being raided with SWAT teams and THEIR holy sacrament confiscated, there would be a countrywide revolution the next day. But they could give a fuck if it happens to their neighbor, whose unconventional beliefs seem weird, scary, and mockable.

The truth is, the persecution of cannabis users is just a small part of a much bigger plot to completely eliminate certain trains of thought from the minds of humanity. This coincides with the systematic genocide of the world’s indigenous cultures. Religions have existed for millenia that consider certain plants sacred and holy. Then, the white man stole their land and made their culture against the law.

But the genocide of the Native American and other indigenous races isn’t enough for the American Government. They also feel the need to completely eliminate indigenous cultures from American society. They won’t be satisfied until the last member of these races is dead, and all records of their culture’s existence is destroyed. They do not want these cultures’ ideas to ‘pollute’ our minds and jeopardize the control that our leaders have over us.

The last thing the ‘powers that be’ want is for members of their own race to convert to these alien ways of thinking. Thus, they do not recognize the rights of white people to partake in the cultures of other races. This runs contrary to our country’s professed ideals of many races and cultures coexisting harmoniously.

We live in a multicultural melting pot society, which means that different people living beside eachother will eventually adopt eachother’s customs. Although I am white, I am not strictly the product of white society. MTV and the public school system raised me, just as much as my parents did.

I see American society as a kind of cultural buffet. As an American citizen, I feel entitled to pick and choose which cultural customs to adopt personally. Thus, its unfair for the government or anyone else to say that I am not a Rasta, just because I am white. To me, a person who decides to follow a particular religion is a legitimate practitioner of said religion, regardless of race or cultural heritage. If a fat, rich white kid from New Jersey truly believes in Rasta ideals, then he IS a Rasta.

Sadly, the religious organizations controlled by indigenous races are so scarred by the white man’s transgressions, they tend to distrust us. This is exemplified by my quest to consume and understand the mystical and hallucinogenic catcus known as Peyote.

I tried everywhere to get this stuff. No one cold get it. Not hippies, not gangstas, not even the Mafia! Finally, I came to the conclusion that the only person who could hook me up was a real bonafide Native American.

So I went to their churches, and got the door slammed in my face many times. I asked Native Americans that I knew in every day life to let me in, and they angrily spurned my attempts.

Eventually, I got close enough to one of these guys to get him to really talk to me about it. But he was still reluctant to take me to his tribe’s peyote ceremony. When I asked him why, he would always respond:

“Its ours. Its not for your kind.”

But he knew that I was sensitive to the Native Americans’ plight, and he knew I understood that their race was dying. And so I said to him:

“If you don’t share your culture with me, then it dies with you.”

Understanding that all I wanted was to understand, he let me into the inner circle. Realizing that I was truly with them in Spirit, my friend and his tribe allowed me to partake. And I learned much wisdom that I will never forget, and carry with me into the world at large.

By converting followers of different races, the Native Americans can ensure that their culture lives on, even if their race dies out. One of the great things about culture is that it outlives the people who create it. Unfortunately, Rastafarians can be victim to this same paranoia about white people, but I have won their trust as well in times past.

The knowledge that curiosity about other peoples’ ways of thinking has given me has transformed me into a much better person than I used to be. And I credit both that and my complex understanding of theology to the consumption of entheogenic substances. So you’re never going to convince me that these chemicals don’t have spiritual value.

Instead, I will know that I am oppressed, and that Freedom of Religion in this country is a lie and a sham. It is yet another benefit of conformity that belongs to everyone else but me and the people I care about. I will know that I am a slave to a system which does not just try to control my body, but my mind and soul as well. I will know that not only my behavior, but my very way of thinking is being controlled by a crooked organization that is trying to fuck me and everyone else. And I will know that this is bullshit.

And whenever someone congratulates me on living in the Land of the Free where everything is gorgeous and rosy, I will always feel a mixture of both sadness and anger in my heart.