Politics

Even Harry Reid loses some health coverage under ObamaCare

By Andrew Malcolm11/19/2013 09:06 AM ET

Our 155,000 combined followers on Twitter (click here for that) and on Facebook (then click here to subscribe to that) know that on weekday afternoons we regularly share a selection of that evening's late-night jokes before broadcast. Usually, we publish a collection of these and other jokes early each week.

Fallon: Cornell scientists create a robot that can hold a knife. Or as robots will tell their grandkids, "That is when the revolution began."

Leno: A new world record today in the 100 meters. Set by Congressional Democrats running away from ObamaCare.

Fallon: Many couples are marrying now because of the unique combination of 11/12/13 date that won’t happen again for a long time. In related news, that's literally how EVERY date works.

Fallon: Venezuela's Gabriela Isler was crowned the new Miss Universe. So, Earth did it again! We DOMINATED this Miss Universe thing.

Fallon: Here’s the great thing about the new Duck Dynasty wines. After you drink five bottles, you begin to understand what they're saying on the show.

Fallon: On an Amtrak ride recently, Joe Biden runs into Whoopi Goldberg, asks here, “What’s it like making millions of Americans laugh every day?” Whoopi says, “I was gonna ask you the same thing.”

Fallon: The New York Giants with their fourth straight win last weekend. Shows, if you work hard and really believe in yourself, eventually you'll play a team that's even worse than you.

Leno: Blockbuster has announced it’s closing the last 300 stores. The day after the store called to say my VHS copy of ''Titanic' was in.

Leno: The Obama White House is reportedly considering a civilian to head the NSA. If you’re interested in applying, no need for a resume. The agency has all your info already.

Leno: It was 59 years ago that Ellis Island closed after processing more than 20 million immigrants. Long boat rides, Endless lines. Before anyone realized it was so much easier to get in through Mexico.

Letterman: Evil Russian President Putin will visit Pope Francis. The Pontiff better be careful, the Russian will steal his ring.

Letterman: So Russian President Putin will visit Pope Francis. Right about now, Putin is picking out a shirt he won't wear to the meeting.

Conan: Wal-Mart announced that this Thanksgiving it’s opening earlier than ever before. Because what better way to celebrate the Pilgrims’ arrival in America than buying crap made in China.

I, Robot

Conan: Many scam artists are trying to take advantage of the problems with the ObamaCare website. Here's how you can tell it’s a scam site: If you enter your information, and it quickly and efficiently signs you up for health care.

Fallon: ObamaCare is desperately emailing thousands to try new website again, adding “But one at a time, please. So it doesn't crash.”

Fallon: ‘Dancing With the Stars’ viewership is down this year. When they asked the judges for their scores this week, even they said, "Didn't see it." "Wasn't watching." "Missed it."

Fallon: ‘Dancing With the Stars’ is trying anything to boost ratings. In fact, I heard they might even try adding celebrities to the show..

Fallon: The FDA is warning men to be careful with fake male enhancement medicines. Besides not working, they can be very dangerous. That warning raises a lot of questions, starting with "Like, how dangerous?"

Fallon: Facebook is trying to keep people interested. Trying a new tool to ease celebrity chats with fans. I think they got a name for this. It's called “Twitter.”

Fallon: Kim Kardashian was ticketed while speeding due to paparazzi. She wasn't trying to AVOID the paparazzi. She was chasing them. "Over here, guys!”

Leno: Obama met with American Indian tribal leaders. Promised them, "If you like your medicine man, you can keep your medicine man."

Leno: ObamaCare's failures now reach members of Congress. Harry Reid just got a letter from his mortician canceling his embalming fluid coverage.

Leno: More than one million Californians are losing their health insurance under ObamaCare. Many are so angry they’ve already gone back to Mexico.

Letterman: 'Murder, She Wrote' the popular old show is returning. On NBC. Takes place in Cabot Cove, Maine, murder capital of the world. No one dies naturally there.

Fallon: Homeland Security reports dozens of hacking tries on the ObamaCare website. But they didn't get in. Obama says, “When you do get in, please let us know how you did it."

Fallon: Now, 46% of CIA employees are women. Explains its new torture tactic: The Silent Treatment.

Fallon: Toronto’s Mayor may be forced to take a leave of absence after admitting buying and smoking crack while drunk. Raises the question WTH do you have to do to get fired up there?