13 Movie Awards That the Oscars Missed

I watch a lot of movies. That’s not to say I’m a movie buff, but I eventually watch every major and limited release film that comes out during any given year. I generally don’t catch all the-direct-to video movies, but I don’t pass right on by them either. With video-on-demand becoming more popular and services like Hulu Plus and Netflix gaining steam, many movies don’t ever make it to the theater. This all being said, I think I’m armed with enough data about the year’s movies to give out my own set of awards.

This being awards season, and the Academy Awards taking place this past weekend, I thought I’d look back on 2012′s cinematic contributions to society and add some movies awards that I think the Academy missed. I appreciate the films that were nominated, but it seems to be that every year so many films are ignored in favor of films that are clearly produced to garner awards. So I came up with 13 unique awards to hand out to some unique performances and movies that were overlooked at the Oscars. Feel free to add your own in the comments. No reason we can’t be movie critics too.

Best Remake of Quicksilver

And the winner is: Premium Rush. In the 1986 film Quicksilver Kevin Bacon stars as a bike messenger who gets into a bit of trouble with some bad people. The 2012 film Premium Rush stars Joseph Gordon Levitt as a bike messenger gets into a bit of trouble with bad people. Thankfully everyone missed this movie and instead caught Levitt in Looper.

Best Frozen Meat Monster Death Sequence

And the winner is: John Dies at the End. David Wong, senior editor at Cracked.com, wrote a book called John Dies at the End. Then they made a movie. I say “they” without knowing exactly who, but implying someone other than David by himself. The movie is hard to explain in one short paragraph, but there are time paradoxes, hallucinations and a meat monster that is destroyed over the phone by a TV show psychic. So really, you need to check out this movie. I’m pretty sure it’s a 2012 release, I caught it on VOD. Unless I haven’t watched it yet and I just told myself in the past that I watched it because I watched it in the future and I know exactly how much change you have in your pockets. The movie is like that. Watch it.

Best Bradley Cooper is Sporting Dreadlocks Movie

And the winner is: Hit and Run. In a year when he would go on to get nominated for an Oscar for his amazing and accurate performance in Silver Linings Playbook Cooper starred in Hit and Run, the Dax Shepard comedy that put a giant blond dreadlocks wig on Cooper and made him the almost laughable protagonist. Further proof that even in Hollywood, someone always owes someone a favor.

Best Cat Burgling Robot Voice

And the winner is: Peter Sarsgaard as Robot in Robot and Frank. Frank Langella stars as a man suffering from dementia and the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s disease. His son gets him a robot to help with day to day tasks. The twist of this feel good movie is that Langella’s Frank is an ex cat burglar and the robot grants him the opportunity to pull off another heist. Sarsgaard provides the voice for the Robot, rivaling both Hal and the more recent GERTY for most compliantly calm robot voice ever.

Best Conjuration of a Girlfriend Using a Typewriter

And the winner is: Ruby Sparks. Lonely writer Calvin (Paul Dano) is trying to follow up his successful first novel but is hitting a wall. The breakthrough comes when he starts writing a story about his literal dream girl, who then is brought to life by his typing. The movie stars a charmingly adorable Zoe Kazan as the titular character – she wrote the film as well. It’s actually a very endearing and well acted movie. The scenes in which she finally realizes who and what she is are emotionally powerful. Plus, he made a girl – with a typewriter. If only typewriters had that power; I’d never run out of sandwiches.

Best Most Accurate On-Screen Brothers Relationship in a Movie Directed by Brothers

And the winners are: Mark Kelly and Steve Zissis as Jeremy and Mark in the Duplass brothers The Do-Deca-Pentathlon. The Duplass brothers had a part in two movies on this list, specifically Mark Duplass who you may know from FX’s The League. This movie saw them cast two unknowns to play brothers who continue a feud that rolls back to their childhood – disregarding the cost to their families. If you have a sibling, no matter the age, the movie plays off that relationship well. At the end you’ll either want to hug your brother or punch him in the mouth.

Best Unintelligible Actor in a Supporting Role

And the winner is: Tom Hardy as Bane. I went to the theater for Dark Knight Rises, which if you know me is a rare occurrence. However, I didn’t actually understand a word Bane was saying until I watched the movie at home, on my laptop with headphones in. Would it have killed Nolan to put subtitles on when Bane was speaking? I mean, even the freestyle rap scene was nearly unintelligible.

Best Movie About Trying to Score Drugs

And the winner is: Bourne Legacy. This category was almost “best movie not starring the guy that is in the title of the freaking movie”. I wouldn’t say this movie was a bomb, it was a fun action movie for the most part, but upon further inspection the whole movie was just Jeremy Renner’s Aaron Cross trying to score. Yeah, he was running for his survival, but only because he needed drugs. Otherwise, he would have been going straight after the people going after him, which I suppose is what the sequel will be about. Just another case for the legalization of physical and brain enhancing drugs for super-spies.

Best Cross Dressing by Hellboy

And the winner is: Ron Perlman as Phyllis in 3,2,1… Frankie Go Boom. Did anyone besides me see this film? Charlie Hunnam and Ron Perlman break out of their Sons of Anarchy jackets in this comedy-drama that sees Frankie (played by Hunnam) tormented by his older brother Bruce the entire movie. Perlman shows up, as the most – let’s say unique – woman ever depicted on film, to provide sage like wisdom and some unintentionally hilarious scenes for fans of SOA. At some point in his illustrious career, I know you wondered what it would be like to see Ron Perlman as a woman. Or not. Probably not.

Best Goat Man in a Supporting Role

And the winner is: David Duchovany as Goat Man in Goats. I guess this was a coming of age story in which Duchovany played the wise oracle guiding the kid though the perils of getting older. All I really remember about the film is that Duchovany went on a lot of walks with goats and eventually shaved his beard and became the handsome guy that was under there. Or something like that. The landscapes were nice though, all that desert and cacti. If you see one movie co-starring goats this year, make it this one. Or this one.

Best Time Traveling Boat

And the winner is: Safety Not Guaranteed. I really could use a time traveling boat in my travels. In this independent film, Mark Duplass stars as a man who puts this ad in the local paper: “Wanted: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. P.O. Box 91 Ocean View, WA 99393. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.” Reporters investigate, revealing a broken man with a mission to save a life. Aubrey Plaza stars as a newspaper intern pulled into his fantasy, which they both end up hoping becomes a reality. Outside of the big Oscar winners, this is one of the best reviewed films of the year and probably has a bunch of lessons in it that were lost on me. You might get them. In the end, the time machine is a souped up airboat that looks like it might actually do the job.

Best Skyscraper Jump on a Big Wheel

And the winner is: Nitro Circus. Travis Pastrana and friends had to leave the country for one particular stunt that involved Big Wheels, a ton of cardboard boxes and the space between two towering condo buildings. I have to say, out of all the movies that I watched in 2012, not a one held my attention more than the adrenaline junkies of Nitro Circus. I highly suggest you see this film, and try absolutely none of these stunts at home because you will most likely end up dead. Even the Jackass crew is in awe of the Nitro Circus crew.

Best Outdoorsman in a Supporting Role

And the winner is: Jared Gilman as Sam in Moonrise Kingdom. This kid comes out of no-where, slips into a delicately scripted Wes Anderson movie and easily overshadows the likes of Bill Murray, Ed Norton, Bruce Willis and Frances McDormand. In preparing for the role, Gilman learned canoeing and other outdoor activities that a Khaki Scout should be adept in. Even though the young couple in the movie ran away on an island, Sam’s survival skills were imperative to making it to their own version of paradise. He’s like a 12 year old version of Bear Grylls, without all the urine drinking.

When he's not wrestling gators for rights to the swamp down in Florida, Curtis is slamming away on the computer, a true captain of industry. Modeled after the legendary folk heroes of yore, Curtis stands tall, carries a big stick and often swings it. Aside from contributing to GeekDad, he's also a Brand Ambassador for Gunnar Optiks, Co-Executive Editor at Technorati.com, Contributor at Medium.com and writer of a delusional travel blog called Heathens of the Plains. He can be reached by holding out your hands in a non threatening manner, or pretty much always on Twitter @cebsilver or ego tripping on Facebook