My wife and mother-in-law are driving me crazy. To be fair it's probably not that far of a drive as I've been living just around the corner from crazy for the past 41 years, but this time I'm afraid that instead of being given a visitors pass as I cross the street I'm going to be issued one of those baskets from the local chamber of commerce that welcomes me as a new permanent resident.

Do you know what that's going to do to my tax bracket?

What they're doing to me is planning for my mother-in-law to come up for a holiday visit, and by "come up" for the visit I mean, of course, that they are systematically destroying my will to live by coming up with days for us to drive down and then pick her up only to freak out with the realization that "this day cannot possibly work!" as it's a day that foolishly ends in Y and consists of 24 hours.

Wife: We can go down this day to get her … well, shoot, she doesn't want to come up this day. We'll have to think of another day.

Me: Okay.

Mother-In-Law: You don't have to get me at all. We can wait until Easter for this visit!

Me: Okay.

Wife: We can't wait until Easter for a Christmas visit.

Me: Okay. How about this day (foolishly pointing to an actual date on a calendar) to get her?

Wife: That day? Why would you think that day is a good day? It's got all that sunlight in it and you'll be able to see when you're driving. We're not going that day.

Me: Okay.

Mother-In-Law: I could come visit next Thanksgiving! That's a good day to visit.

Me: Okay.

Wife: She can NOT come visit next Thanksgiving! I mean, of course she can come visit then but she's COMING TO VISIT THIS CHRISTMAS first.

Me: Okay.

Mother-In-Law: There's always next Christmas?!

Me: I'm thinking your mother doesn't want to come.

Wife: Of COURSE she doesn't want to come but she's GOING to come for the holidays.

Me: Okay. How about this day (more foolish calendar pointing) for us to drive down?

Wife: ::glares::

Me: Okay.

That, by the way, sums up the last few months of my life in a reasonably succinct manner. I've got a mother-in-law that truly does wish to visit us here in Arkansas if only we could somehow find a way to do it in New Orleans. On this end I have a wife that misses her mother and would do anything to help make this as easy as possible for her to come up and visit but is fighting the urge to try and reach through the telephone lines and shake some sense into her mother each time she shakes off any suggested days for us to come get her.

Page 2 of 2 - Me: We could pick her up here (points to calendar) and then bring her back here (points again.)

Wife: No. I want her to stay two weeks. She only wants to stay three days.

Me: She wants us to spend two days driving to spend only three days with us?

Wife: She's crazy.

Me: How about we get her a week earlier? We get her here (pointing) and then return her here (pointing again).

Wife: That's two weeks. She'll never agree to stay for two weeks.

Me: But you just said you want her to stay for two weeks?

Wife: ::glares::

And that, if you were wondering, is how my wife and her mother are driving me crazy. It's not a fast trip but a slow meandering decent into madness, but as I'm foolish enough to love them both I guess it's the path I chose. In all likelihood we'll eventually settle on a day and my mother-in-law will actually be spotted up here for a few days this holiday season. If you see us all out and about feel free to come up and congratulate me on surviving thus far.

Be sure to congratulate my wife on surviving me as well and for not killing me once she reads this column.