So, I play a little World of Warcraft from time to time. I run around with my little dude and kill things and stuff. Some of that stuff involves selling virtual items for virtual gold on the “auction house”. Much to my surprise, (and delight), I was sent this gem of an in-game email from another player scolding me for not selling my virtual herb, “whiptail”, for enough virtual gold. FAIL!

Here is the actual plot summary of the smurfs movie according to wikipedia:

Set in the Middle Ages, the evil wizard Gargamel (Hank Azaria) discovers the Smurfs’ village and chases them into some woods. The Smurfs get scattered and Clumsy Smurf (voiced by Anton Yelchin) wanders into a “forbidden” grotto and some of the other Smurfs follow. Since it’s also a blue moon, a magical portal within the grotto transports them into Central Park in New York. They take shelter with a married couple (Neil Patrick Harris and Jayma Mays) and try to find a way back to their village before Gargamel finds them.
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Jesus Christ. This is funny because I initially thought, “wouldn’t it be a terrible idea to have a smurfs movie set in NY where the smurfs can get into various shennanigans at FAO schwartz, the plaza hotel, 5th ave, and all sorts of landmarks in the city. And the entire soundtrack can be by the Baha Men, heavily featuring their hit ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’ but replace “Dogs” with “Smurfs”. Much to my surprise, the teaser trailer is 90% what I thought, except the song is a smurfy version of “Funky Cold Medina”.

Bummer.

Here is my new idea.

It’s the 1860s, The War Of Northern Agression. The confederate army is working on a secret program to develop “Wizard Soldiers” that defeat their enemies with magic. Heading this program is Gargamel (played by Sean Connery, in his Zardoz costume), a two-thousand-year old wizard who’s magical powers have kept him alive through the centuries. Gargamel has been living in the “new world” for quite some time now, amassing a fortune as a tobacco farmer. He is aided by medieval black magic combined with some sort of african voodoo that he has learned from Mrs. Jefferson, his sassy-black-house-slave (played by Betty White in blackface). *Initially, Gargamel’s magic could only be used for potions and agriculture, hence the awesome tobacco, but combined with evil african voodoo, MAGIC CAN KILL.

In the trial stages of Gargamel’s army experiments, many things go wrong in a hilarious montage scene of exploding chemistry experiments and shit. Basically, the filmakers can do a shot-for shot remake of a science experiment montage from “Real Genius”. Unbeknownst to Gargamel, some of his human test subjects (who are also his slaves) develop strange side effects that turn them into little blue “smurfs”. These Smurfs escape from the plantation, and at the same time create the underground railroad.

The Smurfs eventually reach safe haven with the union army, who accept people of all color (even Blue!). Being Gargamel’s creation, the smurfs have some magical abilites that manifest themselves in each smurf’s character (brainy, lazy, grandpa, etc. Collect them all!) The smurfs impress the union generals with their magical abilities and gain an audience with Pres. Lincoln (Ian McKellan). The smurfs reveal Gargamel’s plot to the president, and propose a way to stop it with Smurf magic (New montage scene).

Fast forward 6 months. Gargamel’s wizard army is advancing north. They look sort of like human sized smurfs and harry potter death eaters, but in white, which i guess makes them look like the KKK, but magical. They also shoot lasers from their mouths that turn people into mushrooms. Everyone has been turned into MUSHROOMS!( All of the wizard army scenes are heavy with Wagner music.)

Just as Gargamel is about to capture Washington DC, the Smurfs arrive! (Cue a shitload of Van Halen music) The smurfs are riding giant mushroom harvesters that looklike something out of medieval warfare. Abraham lincoln is with them. These machines suck up mushrooms and grind them into fairy dust that turns Gargamel’s army from fearsome wizards to cuddly kittens.

Gargamel is defeated, but escapes in a magical davinci flying machine with Mrs. Jefferson who has been turned into Azrael the cat.

The smurfs are heroes. There are statues of them everywhere, mount rushmore is mount smurfmore, the statue of liberty is a goddamn smurf, everyone is tripping balls on mushrooms, Kenny Loggins music is blasting.

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