Real Housewives of OC Try to Determine Who's the Biggest Asshole

The evidence for Tamra being the biggest asshole is that she TOTALLY blabbed all of Shannon's marriage-in-crisis dirt to Heather (even though she claims altruistic motives). The evidence for Heather being the biggest asshole is that she first spread said dirt to a group of friends at lunch, then kicked Shannon out of her house in a VERY actressy way when the poor lady obviously needed at least ONE kind word. The evidence for Brooks being the biggest asshole is his declaration of a boner on a massage table in Puerto Vallarta.

BROOKS WINS! Perhaps that was the award mailed to Vicki's house at the beginning of the episode?

But let's back up a minute and talk about Shannon's sinus surgeries. As she explains to Tamra when they are still confidantes, David's eyes may light up when he sees their kids, but they go black when Shannon is in their view. It's been like that since the kids were born (!!!!!!!). During that era, apparently, Shannon had to have multiple sinus surgeries and coughed all the time. This drove David to the guest room, and he has never returned!

And seriously, whatever medication or flower essences Shannon is on, I wish her doctor would fine tune them so she doesn't share quite so many details on camera. It's so uncomfortable! Though Shannon can be wacky and hilarious when she's not on the verge of tears, the problem is that she's on the verge of tears at least 96% of the time. This is probably not a woman who should be on a candid reality show. The Bravo psych tests are loose, man. Very loose.

Anyway, while Tamra and Shannon are talking, a text comes in from David. And no, it's not a confirmation that he's leaving her (the key to effective messaging is, after all, repetition via different platforms!). Rather, he's heard that Heather Dubrow was talking about the infamous divorce email to a group of hags at lunch. Tamra's all, "WELL SHE DIDN'T HEAR IT FROM ME! IF SHE DID THAT WOULD MAKE ME A PRETTY BIG ASSHOLE, HUH?" I mean, yes.

Sometimes I thank God for Vicki Gunvalson, because not only does footage of her choking down a protein shake give us a much needed respite from The Constantly Tearful Eyes of Shannon Beador, but also she thinks that Shannon and David will make great Mexican vacation partners. Next week's episode is going to be a doozy, I predict.

Back to Shannon, though. So APPARENTLY David apologized for that email and I guess is not leaving her? She says, "Sometimes things like this need to happen in a marriage so that your cage is rattled and you realize you gotta wake up and figure out how to make things better." And…REALLY? Your partner threatening to leave you is GOOD for your marriage? I know very little about marriage, I guess. Shannon tries to get David to reverse his position yet again by criticizing first his milk choices and then his routine eating habits. As their girls eerily sing "Skunk in the Barnyard," she marches herself over to Heather's house. A child of divorce, Shannon is determined that her girls will not be destroyed by hearing "false rumors." What about true rumors, then?

When she gets to Heather's, Shannon wants to know how she heard about the email. Heather, who is really a master deflector, thinks that perhaps Shannon came by to apologize for bickering events that occurred at the Christmas party. And then Heather clarifies that she told Tamra not to pick a side, but to "pick a lane," which I guess is really different somehow? Eventually Shannon apologizes, mostly so she can get to talking about the email.

Heather reports that Tamra did indeed tell her that Shannon's marriage is falling apart, and also that she's drinking too much. (Shannon: "My God, I have a DRINKING PROBLEM?...I mean, honest to God, I don't know what she's gonna accuse me of next." Being blonde? Enjoying holistic treatments? "Fricken" being her favorite word?) Have I mentioned that Terry is just lingering creepily this entire time?

I KNOW there are some Terry defenders out there, but I still think he's a creeper. He was the doctor on The Swan, people!!! "Cum on Feel the Noize" is his ringtone! Anyway, Heather doesn't feel like she owes Shannon anything—neither an apology nor a kind word. Shannon entreats her, as a fellow mother, to stop spreading gossip that's hurtful to the Beador kids. And then Heather refuses to be questioned by someone with whom she's not even on good terms, and tells Shannon to leave. She says, "I am sorry that she's in pain. But it is NOT MY FAULT." Which I think is a rather narrow view of the situation, quite frankly.

In the car on the way home, Shannon calls David and cries over a) Tamra's betrayal; b) Heather's being a bitch. David is all, "Should you be driving right now?" Which is exactly what I said! I was forty percent certain that she would end up in a ditch at the end of that scene.

Do we need to talk about Tamra and Eddie's Robot Baby? Probably the only salient points of the matter are that Eddie named him Astro, and then successfully breast fed him.

The wonders of modern science in action! I refuse to talk about Tamra's fascination with the baby's robot penis.

Oh, and how about Shannon's really fun essential oils party? Everyone puts happy oil on their hands and we all wonder why, if Shannon has had this hook-up for some time, she doesn't have a pump bottle of the stuff. (Or maybe that's what's in the Grey Goose bottle?)

The real purpose of this party is for Shannon to recount to Lizzie and Danielle (and WHO in the everloving fuck is this Danielle lady that keeps showing up?) the "bloodbath" that was her drop-in on Heather. The best is when Danielle kind of cosigns on the idea that Shannon might be an alcoholic and Shannon says a) "YOU ARE QUITE JUDGMENTAL, DANIELLE." And b) "I think Danielle needs some shut the fuck up oil." These intermittently delightful moments are what still have me pulling for Shannon.Well, that and her long ET finger:

In the end, Lizzie is like, "Why don't you just go talk to Tamra?" and is also Team Heather on most matters. Shannon wishes there was a truth serum essential oil. Lizzie wishes there was a "compelling storyline of your own" essential oil.

Tamra and Shannon finally meet for dinner. Shannon's hair and makeup are both pretty crazy, which is certainly a harbinger of doom. Tamra KNOWS that Shannon KNOWS, and fesses up right away to spilling the beans about the marriage troubles/email to Heather. She knows it was stupid, and feels horrible, though she does say that she shared the confidential info in an effort to get Heather to lay off Shannon for a little bit.

Tamra says that she asked Heather not to repeat the story. Which is exactly the same thing that Shannon asked of Tamra! Funny, that. Shannon is disappointed, hurt and betrayed, and of course the WORST part of it all is that Tamra divulged this dirt to Heather, widely known as Shannon's arch-nemesis. Shannon is also still reeling about Heather kicking her out of the house, with Terry just lurking there like a creeper and taking away her glass of vodka before she was even finished!

Meanwhile, Heather and Lizzie meet for dinner and Heather acknowledges that she DID mention Shannon's marriage trouble and the email to a group of friends at lunch, but apparently they had all heard gossip along the same lines already. Heather claims to have shut down the conversation, which, I'm SO SURE totally happened. She also acknowledges that she asked Shannon to leave her house, but sent the following extremely compassionate text as a follow-up: "I'm sorry you're so upset. I'm sorry this is going on. Your problem is not with me."(Side note: Terry is once again creepily just sitting there!)

Lizzie recounts Shannon saying that she wanted to talk to Heather because she was worried about how the gossip might affect her kids. Heather in turn says, "Was she worried that my Christmas Eve was a bit of a disaster because of what she did at her party?" It's like her warmth just radiates off the screen! What stores of empthy must you have to equate someone putting you in grumpy mood on a holiday with another human being having her entire life fall apart? But then also, if Shannon is so worried about word of this getting to her kids, WHY IS SHE TALKING ABOUT IT ON REAL HOUSEWIVES?

Poor Shannon, though. She tugs maybe not on my heartstrings, but at least a little at my solar plexus or something. She thinks that Heather was being cruel, which I tend to agree with. And even worse, I think, is that Heather was being an ACTRESS while being cruel. Shudder. And while it means something to Shannon that Tamra fessed up (and I mean, she DID have full knowledge that this would eventually air on television), she doesn't think she'll ever trust Tamra again. And three cheers to Shannon for having at least one good impulse, finally.

Next time: Shannon and David try their hardest to ruin Vicki's Mexican vacation!

[Images via Bravo]

Morning After is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. Read more here.