days of yore

Sources: America’s Sweetheart Monica Lewinsky To Open Wide, Tell All

Since it’s obvious that all honorable and well-compensated jobs have disappeared into a puff of Internet ether, never to return, it’s important that every American turn any brush with fame, no matter now ridiculous or humiliating, into a round of talk show appearances that can in turn be leveraged into an “instant book” and a reality show, since that’s the only route to financial solvency in America today. Monica Lewinsky had just such an ridiculous, humiliating brush with fame, but this was years ago, in the late ’90s, when the economy was great and you could still get jobs, so she never cashed in. But well, well, well, look who’s come crawling back to the publicity-horror machine and wants to write a book! Don’t worry, Monica, your timing is perfect, as Gen X needs cultural nostalgia objects to differentiate themselves from these young people who were born in, like, the late ’80s and yet are somehow old enough to be adults and have jobs and stuff.

Monica Lewinsky is shopping a top-secret book project, Page Six has exclusively learned. We’re told Lewinsky has been making the rounds with major publishers, who were all asked to sign nondisclosure agreements to take the meetings. It’s unclear who the front-runners are, but, says an insider familiar with the project, “I’m sure every major publisher was interested in hearing what she had to say.”

“Insider” is an interesting word here because it could mean “publishing insider” and be true or mean “insider in Monica Lewinsky’s entourage or maybe Monica Lewinsky herself because maybe she doesn’t have an entourage” and be essentially a negotiating ploy. But we’ll just assume that every major publisher is in fact interested in hearing what she has to say! We’ll assume that this is true because it’s 2012, and people are ready to hash over Clinton-era blowjob scandals again. In 2005, everyone would have been like, ugh, this again, no thanks, which is why Lewinsky decamped to London that year; but today, 40-year-olds can delight in telling 20-year-olds that “No, really, this was a huge deal and it was literally all anyone in politics could talk or think about for the entire year 1998.” Presumably she saw everyone on Twitter going stone cold nuts for Clinton’s sexy DNC speech and started seeing dollar signs floating around, you know?

Anyway, we are certainly not going to judge anyone from making some bank on that time when they were 22 and they blew a dude and then they could never could never get a normal job again ever. We are far too busy working on our pilot for “All Apologies,” our grunge-era nostalgia-sitcom that will be to the ’90s what “Happy Days” was for the ’50s. Who should we cast as “Curt,” the lovable depressive grunge-rocker who lives in the apartment over the protagonist family’s garage and teaches local teens that selling out is bullshit? (Monica Lewinsky has already been cast as the hot neighbor mom, obviously.) [NYP]

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons.
Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

“Insider” is an interesting word here because it could mean “publishing insider” and be true or mean “insider in Monica Lewinsky’s entourage or maybe Monica Lewinsky herself because maybe she doesn’t have an entourage” and be essentially a negotiating ploy.

Or it might be a mishearing and this is someone who crawled up her vagina.

Steverino247

Or drove up there, lost their keys and wandered around for 20 years in the jungle of her pubic hair much like Lt. Hiroo Onoda.

Who should we cast as “Curt,” the lovable depressive grunge-rocker who lives in the apartment over the protagonist family’s garage and teaches local teens that selling out is bullshit?

I'd like to submit my headshot and resume, and might I point out that I come with my own shotgun?

BoatOfVelociraptors

Plan on painting the walls?

HogeyeGrex

I suppose that's better than using someone else's, but really, tmi.

prommie

This is a job for McConaughey.

Crank_Tango

I vote for David Schwimmer to play the dad, as long as he gets kicked in the balls every episode.

Tequila Mockingbird

You forgot his monkey sidekick! Every unfunny nebbish sitcom character needs an animal sidekick!

Crank_Tango

They had to give him a nasty little monkey because a turtle would have been more likable than Ross.

no_gravity

Pics or it didn't happen.

Barbara_

I wouldn't want to be the gal who is forever known in history as the woman who mouthafied the Presidents wang. This whole thing started because she just couldn't keep her mouth shut in the first place.

I'm guessing Clinton shoved his cock in her mouth just to get the bitch to quit talking.

I hope it's a pop up book.

Mittens Howell, III

Close but no cigar.

*edited: Me = Close but no cigar.

Lucidamente totally beat me to that.

Lascauxcaveman

I never understood why she didn't do the posing-for-Playboy thing right after the whole big scandal. Sure, no photoshop at that time, but those old school airbrush artists could make a sexbomb out of a can of corn.

If she had made a million there, invested in in a few rising internet stocks, who knows where she could be now, instead of peddling a book that only a few boomers is going to be interested in?

That's should have been the headline
Monica to turn a wad of Bill's into a wad of bills.

Arkoday

Ahh…yeah, yeah. Didn't she get someone to break the other skater's leg or something, but saved the dress for years? Uhm…I think it's all coming back to me now. No, wait, maybe not…

SmutBoffin

No, she was with that Buttafucco guy.

Native_of_SL_UT

Was he the one sticking hamsters up his ass?

chicken_thief

Nah. I think he was the one that his wife lopped off his dick with a kitchen knife.

Native_of_SL_UT

I thought that was Richard Gere.
My memory sucks,

FakaktaSouth

I do not need to know more about the way she inhaled that cigar. Maybe she is doing a book of tips on how not to have sex with her, but I just can't imagine this is necessary. Someone else needs to fuck her so she can put Bill all behind her.

chicken_thief

Couldn't we just let her ride your washing machine?

FakaktaSouth

Ew, I like and appreciate my appliances, and as we all saw from the evidence on her clothing, she wouldn't recognize a washing machine if you sat her on one.

I get that a lot of people hate Monica — blame her for the impeachment, having to shield children from the newspapers, the 2000 election being close enough to steal, maybe even Clinton's credibility being so shot that it somehow kept him from going after Bin Laden leading to ….

But the truth is she was just a kid with a big fat crush on a willing older man.

And basically it ruined her life. She was someone who should have been married, a mid-career mom in the suburbs with a couple of stories to tell about her past. Instead she's a punchline. (I know two people who met her and both had the same experience of not being able to get the pictures out of their brains).

We can all romanticise the big dog, but his machine would have painted her as crazy if she hadn't kept the dress, and Ken Starr would have thrown her in dark little cell if she hadn't talked.

So now after having failed at everything else, sad middle-aged lady wants to cash in on the blow-job that ruined her life; I say, "Whatever."

Nobody hates her…well, until she decided to write a book about the whole mess. Now, I think there's some reason to.

Personally, I hated the Republicans for making us look like assholes to the rest of the world.

She could have changed her name and sunk deeply into obscurity (anyone remember Linda Lovelace?) but as I recall, she tried very hard to capitalize on her infamy, with a line of purses or dresses or something, shortly after Clinton left office.

horsedreamer_1

The Dick & Mary Jane Green Handbag, made from the fabric of Tom Green's parents's couch, is a stone classic.

horsedreamer_1

Also, I think it's a sexist thing: Monica handles a President's balls, is a celebrity; Steve Bartman tries to snare a ball kind of, sort of live, & is still in hiding nine years later.

Terry

I see it as a two way street. They were both wrong. Clinton should have been screwing around at all, let alone with a frickin intern. Lewinsky was in her twenties and most women in their twenties know better than to pull up their dress and show the boss their new thong, let alone the cigar action or whatever else occurred. Monica had some serious daddy issues and shouldn't have been screwing around with her boss.

HogeyeGrex

It takes two to tango, but it takes at least three to make a story out of it.

I think the people doing the most wrong were those prying into it and those encouraging the prying by their appetite for a salacious tale. Fuck, why does anyone give a shit?

Terry

Good grief, I gotta watch the typos. Clinton should NOT have been screwing around at all.

DemonicRage

She is our tragic princess. There has got to be a Lifetime movie about how sad her life was, afterwards, with a lot of weepy music. The actress who plays the part should get an emmy, no matter how bad the whole film is. And years from now, a Monica postage stamp because, really, her story is FOREVER. Essentially, it's Giselle, without the after death scenes.

hagajim

I think you may have misplace the big fat part in your previous statement.

PsycWench

I guess I'm still a little provincial. The man was married. When you have a big fat crush on a married man I think you keep that to yourself, Prez or not.

Oh great — a book about an affair without any actual sex. What, was she inspired by the Twilight series?

BaldarTFlagass

What? A whole series of books about a group of dick-shy Mormon vampires? And it sells? Fuck me runnin'.

Terry

One of my favorite moments in the Lewinsky stuff was when the State of Maryland was bringing charges against Linda Tripp for illegal wiretapping when she recorded conversations with Lewinsky. The State Court ruled that Lewinsky lied so often and with such enthusiasm that the testimony Lewinsky was supposed to give against Tripp was "bathed in impermissible taint." Do you know what it takes to get a (not crazy) judge to say that about you?

emmelemm

Heh. You said taint.

Toomush_Infer

What a phrase…..seems more made for Paul Ryan, somehow, though….

BloviateMe

The book will obviously have a happy ending.

LibrarianX

Is Linda Tripp playing for Breitbart or the Packers these days?

Terry

She has a shop, Christmas themed iirc, in Middleburg, Va. It's out just past the edge of the DC suburbs, lots of money and very horsey area. She was a pretty irredeemable character in the scandal, but she's sunk back into a regular life which is a good thing.

If I have to read this thing at all, I will definitely skip the parts where she talks about her political philosophy, love of animals, early childhood, and pretty much everything that doesn't involve poon.

banana_bread

Good for her. If my only claim to fame was blowing a President, I'd sure as shit want to cash in as best as possible. And sex + politics = many dineros on tell-alls. Just ask the Kennedy clan!
Seriously, getting your life ruined for giving a dude a blow job is worth at least a book deal.

bobbert

Actually, it doesn't appear that her life was exactly ruined, but I'll agree that if she wants to cash in on a book deal, good for her.

The first time I remember being aware politics existed, it was 1996 and I was reading about Bill Clinton and Bob Dole in my third grade magazine. Bob Dole won my school's straw poll because when you're rich and white enough to send your kids to a Connecticut private school, who else ya gonna vote for?

Two years later, I heard the word "oral sex" on TV and assumed it meant the president had been caught talking dirty words to someone on the phone

This has been your Feel Old with Volpe moment of the week.

Chichikovovich

Damn, you young whippersnapper. Chez Chichikovovich this moment certainly accomplished its purpose.

I just hope you don't have any Feel Dead with Volpe moments anytime soon.

LibertyLover

You were in 3rd grade in 1996? Thanks for making me feel old. Asshole. (I mean that in a good way.)

Fare la Volpe

Wait till I tell you that I was born after Beverly Hills Cop II premiered.

Gradually figuring out what the Lewinsky scandal was actually about, and realizing that people did that with their mouths, and conversely, with objects that were longer than they were wide, was a momentous, if tentative, step into adulthood for me.

When I think about it, I really grew up during the Lewinsky scandal, in a lot of ways.

hagajim

Potential book title: "Devil in the Blowdress?"

RadioX

It needs a shiny book jacket.

Blueb4sinrise

Wonder who owns the rights to the Sticky Fingers album cover.

bobbert

With a discreet stain on the cover.

ahnc

I saw this on the internets:
"President Bill Clinton worked hard for our nation and the world. He worked late into the night, on weekends and holidays. We got a full day's work out of him. He was brilliant and effective. He earned every BJ he ever got. I owe him a BJ. You owe him a BJ. Get in line."

chicken_thief

"Monica Lewinsky has already been cast as the hot neighbor mom, obviously."

Obviously, we have different tastes in what constitutes a "hot neighbor mom".

Jus_Wonderin

Who does Sarah Palin have to suck to get another book deal?

LibertyLover

Bill O'Reilly.

Nostrildamus

Man, who did she have to blow to get a sweet book deal like that?

AddHomonym

Memories! Remember Monica's lawyer? That guy! So in over his head! It was charming. Wonder what ever became of him.

prommie

I have so much more respect for Monica Lewinski than I do for the entire Palin clan put together. I fucking mean this. She got jizzed on by Bill, then thrown under the bus by him, then slagged on by everyone on earth. This woman got totally shit on. For no good reason. Just used by the right wing to take down a popular and succesful president. Like Mongo said, just a pawn in game of life.

Arkoday

I'm a Gemini. AKA schizo. So, a part of me felt terrible for her back then. Tremendous imbalance of power in that 'office affair'. In such cases there is no 'willing participant' when sexual harassment is alleged.
The other part of me wondered – who the fuck saves a jizz-stained dress for future evidence? Aside from mouth, she went into this with eyes wide open.
Far from an innocent Bambi.

prommie

I am sorry but I do not think you can ever just assume what the balance of power is in a relationship. But, thats anathema I guess and why they canned the remake of Lolita.

pdiddycornchips

Here's what I remember her saying back then.

"I was enamored with him. And I was excited. And I was enjoying it. "
Monica Lewinsky

She was a kid and he seduced her into blowing him. Powerful men do that shit all the time. Women do that shit all the time. For most of us, mistakes like this, whether the man or the woman, end in embarrassment and shame among our cohorts and family.

James Michael Curley

Now, Lucretia Tripp is another issue all together.

prommie

Evil cunt.

ttommyunger

As is Lucianne Goldberg, who also managed to spawn doughy pantload Jonah Goldberg.

LibertyLover

Will Lucianna Goldberg be co-writing this? And where has America's sweetheart, Linda Tripp, been hiding?

(j/k, this was right in the period when I first started becoming politically aware. Tragically.)

Blueb4sinrise

It's probably covered in the Fundie 'Histories'.

Jus_Wonderin

I hope she artfully avoided the word "is".

YasserArraFeck

alas, she didn't artfully avoid the "jizz"

Guppy

Blowjobs are so 90's. Today it's all about the ass-fucking.

loudfan

Wait a sec – has everyone forgotten "Monica's Story," which she didn't write but in which she participated fully? I think it was written by the same guy who did Princess Diana's tell-all. What could Monica have to say that wasn't already in the earlier book? I mean, it's not like anyone cares about what she's been up to lately.

prommie

Nice jewish girl from California, was doing very well to land a White House internship, whats not to like about her? A bit zaftig, but so what!

pdiddycornchips

I know I will be pilloried for this but…

Monica could have cashed in years ago and she didn't. She could have gone full wingnut and had a high paying gig on FoxNews but she didn't. She could have done lots of things that would have paid her large amounts of cash but she decided to try and get on with her life.
Writing a book is hardly the way shit works in our society if you want to cash in. The Kardashian's built an empire on the back of Kim's amazing ass and a sex tape. Somehow, whoring out your family to Ryan Seacrest's production company is acceptable but a woman who was at the center of a political storm that changed the course of history, (Yes, changed the course of history. If Bill didn't get that blowjob, Gore wins and we avoid the epic failures of George W Bush) will be dragged through the media spin cycle for the crime of getting her side of the story out. Fuck our culture. Fuck America. We're ignorant and petty and mean. We've lost the ability to separate reality from fiction. We focus our attention on middle aged divas who's only source of inspiration is the ability to manipulate a rich guy with their putrid sex organs. We bow at the feet of ignorant guido's who can't speak English. These are our heroes. Between the Real Housewives and the Jersey Shore gang, they'll earn upwards of $60-70 Million combined. Why? Because that's what we care about. These ugly and shallow people we worship are a perfect metaphor for the crassness, the indifference and the ugly soul of America circa 2012. Monica will earn maybe a million dollars from this book if that.
PaulyD will earn that in month spinning shitty hiphop tunes in Vegas.

Goonemeritus

She got 500K for telling her side in the Monika Story 1999. A million dollar contract with Jenny Craig in 2000. And every year after that she has leveraged her celebrity on one show or another. I do feel bad for her but she has made quite a cottage industry out of it.

pdiddycornchips

Still ain't Snookie money.

bobbert

Well, in a sense, now you're just haggling over the price.

BartStarrland

Lisa Kudrow already did that show – "The Comeback"
(am I doing this right?)

RuinedLiver

She should have launched her own brand of cigars years ago. Duh!

BigSkullF*ckingDog

That was so tame by today's sex scandal standards. Unless someone is having sex with a corpse, a midget or the corpse of a midget I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!!

thefrontpage

According to Fabrizio "Scuz" Scuzzolli, director of public affairs for Sensational Scandal Books, the publisher of Lewinsky's new book, "Devil in a Blue Dress," the book also details intimate trysts that Lewinsky had with various Congressional representatives, senators, Hill aides, committee members and secretaries; various K Street lobbyists; Gary Condit; Mark Foley; Gary Hart; at least three U.S. Supreme Court judges; two Cabinet Secretaries; Jack Abramson; Arnold Schwarzenegger; Al Gore; and Elvira. "This is one of the best D.C.-based, political sex scandal books in years," Scuzzolli said during a promotional press conference for the book that was held at Camelot, a gentleman's club, or strip club, in downtown D.C. "It's very entertaining. It's worth the $25.99 list price, let me tell you."

finette_

I was watching a 1985 episode of Doctor Who the other night and could not figure out who Peri was reminding me of. (Yeah, just try to ignore the Sixth Doctor's clown-vomit costume.) Then it struck me, although I see now that my memory mashed up the black beret and the blue dress. For about half a second I idly wondered what Monica was doing these days; now I know.

Antispandex

"I blew the President, and all I got was a cum stained dress. The End."