“Amish Mafia” episode review: Prodigal Son

I’m not interested in having this blog turn into a “dating / relationships” type of blog.

However, I would certainly be willing to share dating tips if it would help my fellow blog readers out. Trust me, if you’re looking for that certain special someone, it can be intimidating.

So before this week’s “Amish Mafia” episode review, I thought I would share some dating tips as provided by one of the show’s popular stars. Someone who’s most likely been in a stable relationship for many years, someone who can provide wisdom and understanding in terms of dating and relationships and all that other fun stuff.

But since there’s nobody on the show that fills that requirement… the best I can give you is the dating wisdom of Esther Freeman Schmucker.

So if you’ve tried everything else in your life to find that perfect special someone, and you’ve struck out with EHarmony, Match, OKCupid, It’s Just Lunch, JDate, Christian Mingle and every other site… just remember, you can trust Esther Freeman Schmucker for dating advice.

Especially since she’s been looking for love on Plentyoffish.com as ecstasy686.

Yep, that’s our bonnet beauty Esther on Plentyoffish. I didn’t know there was an Amish version of this dating site; maybe one needs to log in with a Prodigy account or something.

Anyways, it’s time for the introduction, alerting us that the Amish Community disavows any stories of the Amish Mafia. That, and they disavow Plentyoffish too.

And we start tonight’s show with a woman cutting lines of some white powder with a credit card, while an Amish man scolds her on how to cut the powder into proper amounts. Wait a second. An Amish woman is using a credit card to cut enough white powder to put Tony Montana into a coma? And Jolin’s looking on from his truck, a gun close to the hip? Hey, maybe he can shoot a credit card out of that woman’s hand at 50 paces.

Lebanon Levi and his crew are on the lookout for Big Steve, and they’ve just arrived at his house. And Levi’s pissed.

Meanwhile, Merlin’s driving around Holmes County, he’s recently scoped out information about Levi’s clandestine maple syrup production plant. And now he’s driving to Lancaster County, Pa., to meet up with Alan Beiler in a thunderstormy, rainy field. Looks like the schwarz Amish and the wackadoodle Amish are planning to combine their forces and take Levi down.

And just while Levi and his crew are on the lookout for Big Steve, they find Alan Beiler. Time for another heart-to-heart. And this most recent heart-to-heart may sway Alan Beiler to Merlin’s side. And Merlin shows off the information he found about Levi’s secret maple syrup production plant to Alan Beiler.

So how is it that nobody in the entire county knows that Lebanon Levi is running a maple syrup production business? Who’s operating it? The Keebler Elves?

And we’re back to Esther’s romantic dilemma. Her mother tries to get Esther to consider marrying Levi, and considering that there isn’t a Motel Kamzoil or Lazar Wolf in the area… And at the same time, Lebanon Levi is being courted to consider marrying an Amish family’s daughter. Especially this nice catch who just got herself a black horse. Well, at least there isn’t a profile on Plentyoffish for Levi…

Meanwhile, it’s back to Levi dealing with keeping his construction business afloat. We get a montage of carpentry and planing and nailing and sawing, as the Amish construction workers show their skills. But apparently Levi’s construction business has been losing bids to Mennonite construction companies, who can use modern technology more than Amish workers can. So now Levi and Alvin have to go visit someone who’s using a competitive company to build a house… So now he has to enforce his protection racket over his construction racket. I swear, Levi’s got more rackets than are in Maria Sharapova’s travel bag.

So I guess there’s still some residual prejudice that Levi has against Mennonites. He can use Jolin to do his Mennonite enforccement, but he won’t allow any Mennonites to encroach on his turf.

Back at Esther’s quilt blatz, she finds out that someone in the Amish community has gone to the government for assistance, rather than to Lebanon Levi and Amish Aid. That’s not good… because then the subject changes to discussion about Esther’s cuckoo brother Freeman.

Levi tries to reach out to Jolin, the moody Mennonite, to try to deal with the Mennonite construction company. And, of course, Jolin sulks for a few moments… and he visits Levi in Levi’s shed. Jolin calls out Levi’s superiority complex over the Mennonites, so Levi counters by offering Jolin a territory called Paradise, a small town between Lancaster and Philadelphia. I could make a joke about why Levi didn’t offer Jolin the communities of Bird-In-Hand, Blue Ball, Virginville or Intercourse, but I’ve had enough of the snicker-snicker giggle-giggles today.

So now Jolin goes to the Mennonite construction site and tries to negotiate a settlement. Jolin goes over to one of the workers, shakes his hand, and starts negotiating. And the producer just noticed tht Jolin turned off his wireless microphone. And in the silence, Jolin may have negotiated a solution. Maybe. We shall see…

Well, it looks as if Merlin and L’il Wayne found the three or four trees that have maple sap gathering buckets. And Wayne suddenly channels his inner Rygaard Timber business – oh wait, that’s on the History Channel, wrong network – and chops down the two or three trees, knocks over one or two of the sap buckets, and blows up another tree with dynamite. Now trust me for a second and a half. People who operate a maple syrup business do so with hundreds of trees and a crew of men. Even Alan Beiler said that it takes 40 gallons of sap to make one gallon of maple syrup. So unless those buckets have a tremendous amount of hammerspace in them… which we all know they don’t…

Meanwhile, Merlin and Wayne have to enforce their own Amish sharia law in Holmes County, as they shake down what appears to be an Amish woman operating a bed and breakfast in Merlin’s community. All I can say is, from the looks of that house, it’s probably the grungiest bed and breakfast anyone would ever want to visit. Wayne goes on stakeout, and in the middle of the night, he sees someone pulling up to the house. And once he finds out that someone actually plans on stopping at that house for a bed-and-breakfast, Wayne moves in – threatens the owners with telling the bishop about the money-making endeavor, and Wayne walks out with some hush money. Looks like EVERYBODY is copping that protection money on Amish Mafia. And since this is the Discovery Channel, I almost expect to see a tote board of how much money everybody’s claimed so far this season, similar to the “crab count” on Deadliest Catch.

Esther came home one afternoon, and saw her brothers Freeman and John sitting in a chair together, acting all wonky. And we get the weird “The Hills Have Eyes” music every time the camera focuses on Freaky Freeman.

So now it’s time for a little Amish Mafia hypocrisy. Levi sends Caleb out for an assignment – to stop an English from taking pictures of the Amish. And sure enough, Caleb finds the rapscallion in mid-photograph. Caleb breaks the English’s camera, just as the English happens to notice that Caleb’s being filmed by the TV show itself. So the Discovery Channel is filming Caleb as Caleb prevents someone from filming the Amish. Okay, I understand now. Someone didn’t get that filming permit. Or maybe they didn’t need a permit as long as they work for the Discovery Channel and have those Amish-face-blurring camera software apps.

Crazy Dave visits Levi, who gives Crazy Dave the assignment of operating the laundry hut, a place where Amish kids can wash their English clothes. Crazy Dave protests. Levi shows him the alternative – the manure bin in the barn. So how does Crazy Dave react? You know how he reacts. Off to the tavern with him. And we find out that the Amish woman in the beginning of the show wasn’t cutting packs of drugs into bags… she was cutting bags of Tide. So fill me in – are Amish women allowed to use detergent, but not fabric softener?

Jolin returns to Levi’s barn, and Caleb looks cheezed off that Jolin and Levi are still talking. And sure enough, Jolin’s back in the fold. Just like a prodigal son. Hey, that’s the name of the episode tonight… Prodigal Son. Or is it “Moody Mennonite Son”?

Awww, we get a little clip of Merlin in love with someone named Martha. And we can tell that Martha’s hot, because her face has that Amish blur to it. I wonder if he met Martha on Plentyoffish.

In the final moments of the show, Levi finds out that Crazy Dave is passed out on the side of the road in his buggy, so Levi and Caleb go check it out. Crazy Dave could be under a B.U.I. – buggying under the influence. And the entire cast discuss the dangers of driving a buggy while you’re plastered. Levi puts Crazy Dave in the car and takes Crazy Dave to an Amish rehab center – the most extreme one of all. They may call it “The Healing Place,” but it looks as if Dave’s headed to a house of horrors. All delivered by a white van. Bye bye, Crazy Dave. See you at the season finale.

And with a couple of seconds left… Freeman gets arrested. Why? For what? Did Esther drop a dime on Freeman, just days after bringing him back to Lancaster County?