Sorry

To my son. My son. There was a time when I never ever imagined I would have a son. There are only girls in my family and two of my sisters and I all went on to have girls ourselves. When we found out about you, we couldn’t stop smiling. I claimed to have known all along that you were a boy but in reality I was amazed. My mum once asked what is was like to have a boy… having a son was so unbelievable. There was a time after that when we thought we might lose you altogether and so sometimes disbelief doesn’t quite cut it.

My son. My boy with the blue eyes and the short fuse. I’m sorry.

I wish I could take away those dark days that are filled with tears and sadness and replace them with warm memories and sunshine. I wish I could think back to those days without that heavy feeling in my tummy and the realisation that I wasn’t there for you. I wish I could change the time and do it all again. After all, aren’t these days the best days?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop the tears and instead I cried long enough and hard enough to drown our hopes. I’m sorry that the things you needed were the very things I couldn’t find. I’m sorry.

I wish I knew a way to make things right; being here now is the only thing I can try.

10 responses to “Sorry”

Sweetheart. Beautifully written and I’m not sure exactly what you are referring to, maybe the times after his birth you were struggling so much. But he is lucky to have an articulate, deeply caring mother. You should know that. Gigix

You’re right, its the time after his birth that I cannot forgive myself for. After wanting him for so long and being so terrified I had lost him, I was just a shell when we got him home. I know that we’re ok now but sometimes I can’t forgive myself for those first few months. Thanks so much for your comments, I wasn’t in tears when I wrote this but I am now!
XxX

This is truly beautiful. There is no way of ever preparing for the enormity of pregnancy, childbirth (traumatic or otherwise) and then the arrival of a new addition. I honestly think we must not look back and feel guilty. We are human and if we didn’t have such strong emotions good and bad we would never be able to love them the way we do now. Do not be hard on yourself. Your son is as lucky and honoured to have you as you are to have him xx

Beautifully written, heartfelt post. I hope one day you’ll be able to accept what happened and not look back with guilt. You’re clearly an amazing mother, one who your son is lucky to have. I’m sure when he’s old enough, he’ll make you realise this. Look to your son’s future because, with a mum like you, it’s likely to be filled with “warm memories and sunshine”. There’s so much to look forward to. x

Oh chick. There is nothing that I can really say here because you can’t change the past. He won’t remember that time, you have made it up to him a million times over and by going part-time you can continue to help make it up. You have got to try to put these memories aside and make new memories. (I know how hard this is). Hug.

Have you ever received any counselling about this, about the way you feel and the things that have made you feel this way. I had two very traumatic births and PND, but I received fantastic support and although I know that I can never go back and change the way things were and what happened. I have the power to stop regretting what happened and start to make changes in the here and now that make up for what has been lost. And you know what they do make up for it. My boys don’t remember the very early years of their life, they don’t know how I felt, what I went though and nor will they. They are happy and am learning to make the changes in my life to live in the now and to be happy.