How to sort this one out?

Now I can stop worrying about money for 5 minutes, I've started to worry about women again! Grrr... Anyway...

Have been purposefully steering clear of women a little bit last 12 months or so for a couple of reasons, chiefly that my ex hurt me in a big way and I'm not ready for that again. Anyway... Have obviously met a few girls in that time, but very recently have met someone and we hit it off almost straight away.

Long story short, she's very up front and honest, lets me know straight away she likes me quite a bit. Spent a while chatting to her, getting to know her a bit first, turns out she's definitely right up my street. She's as mad as a box of frogs (pre-requisite for me), evil sense of humour, very fit/active, pretty easy on the eye and errr... Well... She was out with a big group of mates for her birthday, but she spent most of the evening chatting to me.

Met up on yesterday for a coffee, and pretty much straight away she fires a curve ball... She says to me "I've got to let you know, whilst I do like you, you're up against a few things going on in my life right now"... OK, no problems. She's busy with work, sport etc. that's all good. But then she adds (something she's not told any one of her mates) she's in love with a married man, who has been "threatening to leave his wife for the last 10 months"... :facepalm:

So yeah... How do I deal with that one? I presume telling her she's fallen for the oldest trick in the book, and belittling her isn't the done thing... Do I just need to make myself utterly irresistible so she forgets him, or just hang back and leave her tonnes of space, just be there in case she ever does see sense? Bit difficult you see, cos I already know in my head she's worthy of the effort (I know quickly on these things), and I could definitely fall for her in a big way... Or should I just cut contact altogether?

There's not much you can do, unless you're happy to be support guy in which case you'll invest a lot of time in her and in return she'll reassure you that you're a top bloke who'll be recommended to any of her single mates.

By all means be honest and say that you need to cut her off or risk falling for her. The rest is up to her. If she wants to know, she'll be in touch.

Don't forget that many people don't know themselves, especially in this area. When I met Mrs Grips she thought the douchebag jerking her around at the time was the one for her. Now the whole idea seems patently ridiculous. I did have to put in a fair bit of effort but it was certainly worth it

There's a part of me really wanting to do what molgrips says, and show her how good it can be so to speak. I kind've have done already (we had a great time on Saturday night without going into too many details), and certainly after 2 hours with her yesterday, she went from being a little cold and stand offish to being very cuddly and wanting a snog before we said goodbye. I did say the immortally cheesy line of "things are only as complicated as you make them" before she nodded, and nothing more was said and we parted.

Kinda feel that if I was given some alone time with her, we could really start to hit it off. But she's busy (and busy still thinking about him no doubt at times), and she has said I'll be lucky if she can fit me in more than a couple of hours next couple of weeks for a meet up.

I would not advise walking away. Every relationship is worth the effort. Women are not a continuum, there is not a constant supply of good ones. They come about occasionally, and the really good ones are pretty rare, possibly unique.

and no-one in love with someone else is worthy of THAT much effort, take it from someone who's had experience in these things.

He's done nothing in 10 months apparently. She said she gathered up her self respect and actually told him she wasn't being the other woman, and stopped having sex with him over 6 months ago, so I respect her a bit for that. The impression I got is she still longs for him, but has all but realised he's not going to leave his wife (even though he texts her still quite regularly), and that she needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

I feel like I'm being tested, put it that way!

TBH, that's good advice. If she's as 'straight talking' as you say, she'll appreciate the honesty.

Being honest and straight talking are two very important factors for me in a potential partner. I've only just met her, and I know already she's the most straight talking woman I've ever been involved with, even just slightly. We had a chat about why, and she has the same views as me on this kind of thing, that being there is no point in beating round the bush or lying about things.

Agreed, the really good ones are awesome. I have one sleeping right next to me in fact.

But there have been a lot of women in the past whom I've thought were the bees knees, in retrospect they weren't. I've been the patient guy in the past and got rewarded with little more than accusations of being a friend of Dorothy, certainly not the life happy ever after I knew I could provide.

mboy - Member
there is no point in beating round the bush or lying about things.

But having a secret "illicit" love affair with a married man is OK? You've already said she has been deceiving her "mates" regarding this man. Do you not think that is a truer reflection of her character?

I would not advise walking away. Every relationship is worth the effort. Women are not a continuum, there is not a constant supply of good ones. They come about occasionally, and the really good ones are pretty rare, possibly unique.

You see, this is where I 100% agree with molgrips.

Most guys I know, as long as they meet someone with tits, who doesn't detest their company, and puts out occasionally, that's more than good enough for them. I'm errrrr... Well... I'm a whole lot more feminine in my approach to relationships, I hate to admit it! Probably why I was so cut up and hurt about my ex, who I really believed to be the one, when she moved on very swiftly. There is certainly no conveyor belt of suitable candidates, in fact I spent almost all of my time between 23 and 30 single cos I just didn't find anyone that interested me enough during that time.

Then I would definitely take it further - sounds to me like she wants you to take her away from this other situation. Otherwise she'd not have told you about it. Sounds like a clear plea to me. I think I like this girl already

Run away, I couldn't be with someone who was happy to be a bit on the side. I personally would have trouble trusting them in the future, after all she's proved she's happy to aid this fella's deceit already.

Sorry I just have an issue with people who have affairs, if you're not happy in a relationship then leave, don't mess with someone elses feelings.

Which is kinda exactly what has happened here... I went out that night, couldn't give two hoots about meeting women. I hadn't even shaved in days! Bumped into my new housemate, was trying to chat to her, when up comes this very attractive petite redhead who butts in, demanding my attention, and basically wants to know me! Like I said, I was taken aback, but was calm and chatted a few moments before leaving.

FFWD 2 weeks, and now she's a bit more sober, we get chatting... And she tells me pretty much straight away, she really fancies me! So I spent the next 4 hours or so, mainly chatting with her, and realised she and I had a lot in common.

But having a secret "illicit" love affair with a married man is OK? You've already said she has been deceiving her "mates" regarding this man. Do you not think that is a truer reflection of her character?

That much I don't know... All I'll say is we all do stupid things when we're in love. I've certainly lied for ex GF's when they were totally unreasonable to me in front of my friends/family, done it several times in fact. When we're in love with someone, I think we will make exceptions to our normal behaviour for the other person. I think she genuinely is honest, I just think she's let herself get led astray slightly, and that in 5 years time she'll look back on the married guy with disgust.