Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Little Rock, AR (CHN): "If you can't beat em, join em", that is what Daniel Graves, CEO of conspiracytheory.blogspot.com, believes the Annenberg Public Policy Center at the University of Pennsylvania was thinking when they accepted a reported 3.2 Billion dollars in cash and stock for the consumer advocate website http://www.factcheck.org/

Graves believes that the newly created synergies will streamline his blog and create value for his shareholders/neighbors Kevin Collins and Stephan Simas. The three launched the Blog on Google's Blogspot shortly after September 11th, 2001 despite constant cyber attacks from Google itself and fellow Zionist comrades Yahoo, Bing, Alta Vista, Lycos, MSN, and the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette.

The two organizations have been involved in a bitter public dispute since the inception of conspiracytheory.blogspot.com whereas factcheck.org was accused of destroying Daniel Graves's chance at of gaining acceptance to Arkansas' Cossatot Community College. Factcheck.org has mysteriously ignored any knowledge of the claim according to Graves's blog.

Factcheck.org has slowly become the nation's political referee and gained notoriety for subduing claims made by both 'Truthers' (911 conspiracy theorists) and 'Birthers' (those that believe that Barrack Obama is not native born) over the past few years. Graves says that those battles are not related to the buyout of Factcheck and "now that you mention it future acquisition plans include the purchasing of Jimmy McGee's comic collection and the real estate where the WW2 Auschwitz ' work camp' was located."

"You may remember the so called 'Space Shuttle Columbia Disaster' in February of 2003," said Graves in a recently released web-cam video. "So let me get this straight; one day I write that NASA is responsible for slaughtering Daniel Pearl and just 6 months later a shuttle comes apart during re-entry killing the entire crew and spreading debris across three states (including my home state of Arkansas) where I lived from 1984-1999... I think not".Graves had no comment in regard to why he would want to buy a website and domain that he routinely called the 'Factcheck my ass for poop in you mouth' website. As of press time there was no response from Factcheck.org; however an article on Digg.com posted by sugarplumbs8 suggests that Factcheck may have already been purchased by DalesColonCleanseFormula.wordpress.com last spring.

WASHINGTON (CHN) -- Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told Congress on Wednesday that record-low interest rates are still needed to ensure that the economic recovery will last and to help ease the sting of high unemployment. Those rates and the additionally adjusted special rate on his personal Boca-Raton rental property have not produced the stability needed to draw in new homebuyers according to Federal policy critics and the BocaRaton Vista II HOA.

In his twice-a-year report to the House Financial Services Committee, Bernanke struck a confident tone that the recovery should endure. But he also sought to tamp down expectations on both a national bounce back and any upswing on travel season rates for his rental as Northern Jews continue to head to Florida for warmer weather. The 3 bedroom condo (conveniently located 15 minutes from Ft. Lauderdale with easy access to the I95) was also a key component of the Administrations 2009 stimulus package and is the sole target of the 2010 Jobs Bill.

CHN 2010: News, Weather, Sports, Sex Fantasy, and This Article.Disclaimer: Weather is not reported by CHN; the confusion that CHN or its sister network CNN are related in any way are strictly intended to confuse, not to harm.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Oshkosh, WI (CHN): According to a recently published Gallop Survey, confusion about Swiss Chard has now reached the highest level since the Reagan Administration when it was presumed that exotic vegetable awareness would simply trickle down to the masses.

The gallop poll also indicated that 22% of Americans regularly mistake the leafy vegetable for 'Swiss Chode' when reading about it in cookbooks or romance novellas.

Swiss Chard farmers blame the new findings and also other historic mistakes directly on the Chard Horticulture Establishment & Eating Society Emissary or C.H.E.E.S.E. who recently designated 'National Swiss Chard Awareness Week' the same week as the International Cheese Clubs 'All things Swiss' Parade and Dinner Dance in Chippewa County Wisconsin.

"We have very few recognizable products that bare our proud name" admits Swiss alphorn blower Johannes Bjorg. He continued, "Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate has been a thorn in our side for decades and as you know Swiss Army knives have the been the butt of most cutlery jokes for over 100 years". Bjorg's frustration was well founded considering a rash of bad luck and missed opportunity throughout Chard history; the following chart was commissioned to identify the largest problems (click to enlarge):

Vegetable historians believe that the biggest blow to the 'Sea beet' descendant was the 1931 decision by Warner Brothers animators to have Popeye eat a can of spinach instead of the originally scripted cans of Swiss Chard. According to C.H.E.E.S.E. President Dirk Dairyman the deep pockets of 'Big Spinach' were "far too powerful" for our product to compete with.

Nutritional experts now believe that most Americans have been mistakenly using Swiss Cheese instead of chard in a host of recipes. "At the turn of the century grilled Swiss Chard sandwiches were all the rage" said food historian Jacques LeParee. He continued, "America's youth today wouldn't know what to do with a chard sandwich if it jumped up and bit them... although I think they would try to smoke it".

The Gallop poll may well have punctuated the public relations failure of the Chard lobby, in so doing it seems to indicate a larger problem of American culinary consumers who seem to misidentify many common foods. An astounding 88% of all single men are found to believe that steel cut oats are a type of structural lumber and nearly 40% thought that pumpkin spice was a female musician.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Last Second Negotiation Brings Olympic Games To The Snow-Packed Windy Cityby: Tarren Aanika, Winter time reporter

According to White house Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, President Obama has more than made up for a slightly embarrassing attempt at getting the 2016 Summer Olympics for his adopted home of Chicago. A series of late night phone calls and 350 billion dollars of leftover stimulus money convinced the International Olympic Committee (I.O.C.) and the City of Vancouver to hand the games over to snow-packed Chicago. Historians are unaware of any Olympics ever changing locations just days before opening ceremony. In this case "it just makes good horse-sense" according to Vancouver Mayor Sam Sullivan.

U.S. Downhill skier Lindsey Vonn wondered how the intersection of Michigan and Grand Ave would provide the slope and run space for the Giant Slalom. The I.O.C. has responded that "although the new location may not be perfect for some events it certainly isn't the rainy, snow-deprived shithole that Vancouver has provided us". according to I.O.C. President Jacques Rogge.

The renovated Soldier Field will host opening and closing ceremonies. Skating competitions will occur before, after, and during halftime of previously scheduled Chicago Bulls basketball games in the United Center.

Other last second preparations such as hotel accommodations, flags for each of the 80 nations, and hookers should be in place by day one of competition. "All in all this is sure to be a memorable games" said Rogge as he boarded a flight back to his native France with 'no current plans' of being present for any of the events in Chicago.

Critics of the Venue change were hard pressed for comments because they uniformly thought that they were on an episode of Ashton Kutcher's 'Punk'd'.

A spokesman for Chicago Mayor Richard Daley raised concerns about the 'Biathlon' (an event where athletes cross country ski and shoot rifles at pre-determined targets), "Our concern is that the shooting could cause havoc and un-necessary confusion for Chicago gangs who might interpret the Athletes as new competition for already crowded drug turf and city politics". The Mayors office has reportedly promised to inform all gangs and area mobsters not to return fire during the two week competition.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Department Elongates Acronym For The First Time In 42 YearsWashington (CHN): It's the Federal Government's toughest judicial branch and its job is to regulate and prevent a host of legal and illegal consumables and weapons from creating havoc on our streets. Originally created in 1886 under the U.S Treasury, the department has changed little save for the 1968 Gun Control Act that gave the Agency its current call sign - 'ATF'.

According toActing Director Kenneth E. Melson, "Times Change". "There has been a scourge of slut, both legal and contraband, tearing down the very fabric of this country" asserted Melson. Although officials in the Administration were downplaying the new role of the Bureau, Press Secretary Robert Gates was overheard telling Attorney General Eric Holder that loose women were to blame for Scott Brown's upset win in Massachusetts along with a host of other first year hick-ups suffered by the White House.

Department of Justice officials apparently debated for weeks on how best to include oversight of traditional 'pay for play' hookers with today's basic office whore. In the end, 'Hoe Bag' was the only term that seemed to cover every occurrence.Resistance has been minimal as most hoe bags are wary about going public to support their sisters for fear of retribution from competitive groups such as cock teasers, fatties, and stay at home MILFs. But that hasn't stopped a few leading skanks from coming forward to oppose any and all new regulation. Madonna, Paris Hilton, and the estate of Anna Nicole Smith are leading a small but vocal faction of current and expired muff bait that legislators will come to blows with over the proposed change at the ATF (to ATF&HB)."We know that monthly office blow jobs are good for roughly a 10% pay increase and bi-annual promotions in the service economy," said the re-nominated ATF&HB Deputy Director Bill Hoover. He concludes that "with the help of Congress we believe that our agency has the capability to reduce the so called 'Lewinsky Pay' to 10 additional sick days and petty cash handouts for knee pads. At that point the average office harlot would have to reconsider any advantage she is getting over her male peers".

Others are not certain that the department can make a difference. Ed Stevens, a human resource manager for a Fortune 500 company is a skeptic. "Today's working girl no longer has to take to the streets. In fact, here in my department alone we have six girls who gave up lucrative liaisons with Tiger Woods in order to get a classier gig... I just don't see that changing," said Stevens with shoulders overtly shrugged and an awkward smile that slowly grew into a full brimmed grin before being overpowered with a forced look of concern and regret.

Final passage of any strumpet based legislation is just one of many causes for concern for Republicans who oppose President Obama's 2011 budget proposal. GOP Senator, Judd Gregg, believes that a steady influx of 'cunt rags' now represent a far greater risk to the American people and is calling for a filibuster to see that the issue is debated on the floor. Nancy Pelosi has confirmed an earlier story that she will take a leave of absence during Congressional debate due to an obvious and substantial conflict of interest.