Going Deep into the Shallow

Tag Archives: Kenya Moore

We’re just hours away from part one of the super-sized Real Housewives of Atlanta season 5 reunion show and for me, it can’t be 8 pm soon enough! This season was a little ho-hum but the reunion looks goooood, doesn’t it?

Since it’s very clear that Andy Cohen reads my blog – how else to explain Fashion Queens? – the other ladies probably do, too. So I’ll address each of them individually and let them know what I think of their performances this season.

Phaedra Parks :: Donkologist, Ph D

Phaedra, you are a delightful mystery to me. You live contentedly in Phaedra World, a place where every idea is turned into a business and where a charmingly cracked Southern charm is the coin of the realm. But it’s a nice place and I love you for making a home there with Apollo and Ayden. I’m pleased to see that the marital discord Bravo hinted at in the trailer for this season turned out to be a bunch of bunk and I know you must be so happy to be bringing another little chicken nugget into the world. Anytime you want to go for a day drink at the Clermont Lounge, I’m down.

Kandi Burruss :: The Hungry, Happy Housewife

Kandi, you may want to have a chat with the producers about the editing this season. Girl, they made you look like you would do anything for a plate of food! Maybe you’re ok with it but I think I’d be a little miffed if I had put on a noticeable amount of weight and then every episode showed me yammering about food! I’m guessing you probably don’t care though. And, really, why should you? You seem genuinely happy with Todd, Riley seems to like him, you took a few steps back from Mama Joyce, and you own a bad ass mansion. Good for you and may your empire – whoaOHOH! – keep growing.

Has no one on the show ever actually SEEN the show before?! Every single season, housewives in one city or another make some vague business deal. Then the checks are slow and somebody feels wronged. Exhibit A: Kandi and Kim going at it over “Tardy for the Party.” Exhibit B: Sheree and Nene’s bad business deal. Exhibit Everything Else: Sonja and Heather’s dustup over the toaster oven box.

I mean, come on, girls. Get it together!

2. Is Kenya actually trying to float the rumor that Walter is a “downlow brother”?

Because that is just tacky. When her cousin (who needs a bigger bra) said something about how she was “suspicious” of Walter and how “this IS Atlanta, after all”, either she’s just nasty or Kenya’s grubby mitts were pulling the strings.

3. Has anyone actually seen “The New Normal”?

I know the kid who’s Hannah Horvath’s gay ex-bf on “Girls” is in it and Nene is in it. And maybe sometimes Ellen Barkin? That’s the extent of my knowledge. I worry when I see Nene and Gregg dropping so much cash in Hollywood. I was relieved when Nene confirmed that they would not be moving from ATL permanently.

4. Is Kenya’s patchwork ombre hair intentional?

I just wanted to use the phrase “patchwork ombre” coined by my soul sisters, Two Winey Bitches.

Normally, I can think of at least five things I need to know more about after every episode. But this week was such a SNOOZER! I’m gonna need the ATL crew to step it up! With Kim gone and everyone acting pretty normal and happy, the storylines are getting boring. And no, Cynthia’s attempts to be sassy and Kenya’s need for mental health services are not helping.

But! I did manage to come up with a few.

1. Has anyone anywhere ever mistaken Kenya for Beyonce?

I’m giving Kenya’s story a big Phaedra-style side-eye. I know people are easily fooled – and Kenya does have a top-quality weave – but Beyonce? Really?!

I don’t know about you but I thought Sunday’s Real Housewives of Atlanta was filmed live on location in SNOOZEVILLE. So boring!

Except for the antics of Miss USA 1947, Kenya Moore.

Let’s get started on the questions I need answered, shall we?

1. Has Walter hired extra security yet?

In Atlanta, everybody knows (as Phaedra would say) that Walter gave an interview on The Frank and Wanda Show and he totally blew up Kenya’s spot. He told Frank Ski and Wanda Smith that he dated Krazy Kenya for a couple of months – over three years ago! When Kenya was approached to do the show, she called Walter “out of the blue” to offer him a position as her fake boyfriend. She said the money was easy and his towing business would get good exposure. (Um . . . ok.) Walter’s friends advised him to do it for fun, but shit got real when Kenya started pressing for a ring.

Two bits of advice, Walter: get new friends and hire round-the-clock security. Kenya’s comin’ for you. Trust.

2. Did Kenya really think people would believe her “marriage” storyline?

She can’t possibly have thought she could keep this ruse going, right? Imagine being on a getaway to Anguilla with your boyfriend and a few other couples. Would he be cool with you proposing a three-way with one of the couples, asking the owner of the house if he had ever donated to a sperm bank, and then doing the full-on “bend over to the front, touch ya toes!” routine up against yet another woman’s husband? ON CAMERA?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

3. Is Kenya abusing drugs and/or alcohol?

Because that is the only possible explanation for this:

4. How did Phaedra keep herself from punching Kenya “in her face” when she suggested the threesome?

Phaedra’s side eye is unmatched.

Phaedra really is the consummate Southern belle, isn’t she? Brains, booty, all business, and able to resist knocking a bitch out.

5. Did Bravo’s producers know they struck gold when Kenya came along?

I really, really dislike Kenya. I think she is actually “in need of treatment” crazy, not just Housewives crazy. And yet. The amount of space I’ve donated to her alone, makes me think her crazy might be more like a fox.

This week was boring (except for Porsha and Kenya’s meeting of the minds) but next week’s episode looks good. Why? Nene on a horse.

Photo: bravotv.com
Gif: realitytvgifs.tumblr.com

I learned a lot from last night’s episode of RHOA. For example, there are people who have their OB/GYN’s direct number programmed into their phone, and they are able to use it to call said doctor, who will pick up on the first ring to confirm that hot tubs are not a good fit with vaginas. Also? Kenya is not just a little wacky. She is BANANAZ.

So even though some things were cleared up, like always, I’m still scratching my head over a few others. This week’s questions. . .

Wow. Everybody knows how much I love PP, but last night was one of her best ever episodes. Her reason for not entering the hot tub? “There’s nothing wrong with that water. It’s the penises and vaginas that have been IN that water.” That is GOLD. Her disapproval over Kenya “rubbing her funky booty on [Peter’s] genitalia”? She is way, way too much woman for an ensemble show. I’ll expect a call back from Andy Cohen any minute.

On a side note, I really felt badly for Phaedra when that foolishness between Kenya and Apollo went down. I think we’ve all been in situations like that, where some crazy person with boundary issues starts causing trouble. I’m sure Phaedra will handle it next week but I did feel her pain.

So, Phaedra accidentally donkey-booty dialed Nene. Nene heard Phaedra say not nice things about Cynthia, so of course she had to go tattle to Cynthia. Whatever. Cynthia-centered plot lines bore the stuffing outta me and this is no exception. Also, Kim is moving out of the “haunted house” and Porsha made breakfast and Kenya is nuts.

But there are still some questions I’d like answered from last night’s episode.

1. Has Walter really never seen Kenya’s backyard?

That’s not a metaphor. I’m pretty sure that when she invited him over for the microwaved Trader Joe’s homemade dinner, he made some comment about how nice it was back there, indicating he had never seen the back deck. She also made some apologizing noises about the stairs. Is this the first time this poor sucker has been to his girlfriend’s house? Does she actually live there? And is she seriously talking about wanting a baby with this guy? And does she think the basis of a good marriage is perpetrating the lie that you can cook? And doing it badly (strands of pasta in a grill pan)? That was way more than one question but I’m truly flummoxed by Kenya’s crazy ass.

2. Did Porsha just say “fraudulent slip”?

Because I’m pretty she did. Explaining to her husband about accidentally calling Kenya Miss America, she described it as a fraudulent slip. Okay. This means that she not only doesn’t know the word is Freudian, she also misunderstands the whole concept. “Freudian slip” is not exactly an uncommon phrase, right? I mean, I think even eighth graders use it properly. But in the preview for next week, Porsha describes her organization as not about feeding the hungry only on Thanksgiving; they are “active 265 days a year.” So yeah. Continue reading →

Because my gay boyfriend Andy Cohen likes to mix things up, he’s added a couple of new, ahem, “ladies” to the lineups of Beverly Hills and Atlanta. Although there’s not a chance I would ever be friends with any of them, I’m afraid they’re gonna make great TV. Le sigh.

Yolanda Foster ::

So, this Yolanda person is married to frequent Grammy winner David Foster. I feel like he’s part of that very weirdly incestuous Hollywood crowd that includes Linda Thompson, who dated Elvis and was married to Bruce Jenner. And is the mom of uber-bro Brody Jenner. I think maybe she was married to David Foster but I don’t feel like looking that up.

Anyhoo, Yolanda. Um, I think she may have had some work done. Maybe. She claims she’s 48. [EDITED to remove not nice statement about her appearance.] So far, she bores. It appears that at some point this season she goes off on someone, somewhere, for some reason. She better not go after my Brandi or we’re gonna have a problem.

Porsha Stewart ::

Another one who’s married to someone extremely famous. I know nothing about football – less than nothing, actually – but even I know who Kordell Stewart is. He is a legit famous person! Porsha hasn’t appeared in an episode yet so I can’t say a whole lot about her. Except! In that extended trailer for the new season, she appears to receive a check for “Two huddred thousan DOLLERS!” from her husband. Um, that check better be for charity. Otherwise, they are tackier than I even imagined.

This portrait in the Stewart home tells me all I need to know about these two.

Kenya Moore ::

This one. When I see her face, I imagine George Takei’s famous “Oh, myyy.”