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Thoughts wanted on this please,thanks.

banned5y, 9m agoPosted 5 years, 9 months ago

I write these for a hobby and just wanted to find out what you think please,im not trying to sell them or anything like that,i just wondered what they sound like to other people.i know i am going to get good and bad remarks so im ready for that,thanks everyone.

Tears of Happiness Tears of Joy

Then there’s tears of sadness, when you feel downhearted as life troubles come fast, remember that they will lift and life will return full of delight.so keep in mind when life’s fog is in the way and the mountains are looking impossible to climb, you will ascend that mountain and clear away that mist and know that you’ve done it and rise above those clouds of doubt. You will look back and wonder what the fuss was about, as you stand tall and see what you have accomplished knowing without a doubt. I have done it, I’ve got there and I’m happy again and if those rain clouds draw closer, you will blow them away. Onwards and upwards your path leads you on, no more sorrow for you. Your life will be full of wonder no more tears of unhappiness, only smiles for you as you walk with your head high full of laughter and of Joy.

Hi TheSnowman, Thanks for sharing.
I don’t quite understand what the ‘these’ that you mention writing for a hobby are – little homilies?
Anyway, taking your work on face value, this is my forthright opinion:

The grammar, structure and punctuation in your piece are failing just now, disrupting the internal dynamic, lacking clarity and so losing impact. The phraseology is rather hackneyed. To my mind the prose is somewhat trite

Is the piece intended to be reaching out to the reader audience or a stream of internal consciousness?

I read it as a attempt to convince oneself, or the reader, that there is a sort of redemption ahead, if only one tries hard enough or exists long enough.

If this is a sort of self therapy against depression, I am sorry if my honest words are too plain and hope that your writings will help you.

Hi TheSnowman, Thanks for sharing. I don’t quite understand what the ‘these’ that you mention writing for a hobby are – little homilies? Anyway, taking your work on face value, this is my forthright opinion:The grammar, structure and punctuation in your piece are failing just now, disrupting the internal dynamic, lacking clarity and so losing impact. The phraseology is rather hackneyed. To my mind the prose is somewhat triteIs the piece intended to be reaching out to the reader audience or a stream of internal consciousness?I read it as a attempt to convince oneself, or the reader, that there is a sort of redemption ahead, if only one tries hard enough or exists long enough.If this is a sort of self therapy against depression, I am sorry if my honest words are too plain and hope that your writings will help you.

The statement "Onwards and upwards your path leads you on, no more sorrow for you. Your life will be full of wonder no more tears of unhappiness, only smiles for you as you walk with your head high full of laughter and of Joy" seems totally misleading to me.