JOTW 13-2010 Add 1 – Special March 32nd issue of Ned's Job of the Week

ADVERTISE HERE and reach more than 11,475 people who worship Ned Lundquist, ABC, a rising cult leader/survivalist who is creating a Utopian community, spiritual healing center and martial camp in Massachusetts! Just $500,000 gets you a week’s visibility on one of the fastest-growing job networking sites and helps fund charitable works, such as purchase of chemicals, weapons and technology. For more information, contact ad@nedsjotw.com.

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JOTW 13-2010 Add 1

March 32, 2010

“Soylent Green…IS PEOPLE!”

–Detective Robert Thorn

“Oriental crackers…IS PEOPLE!”

— Ned Lundquist

Welcome to the free Job of the Week e-mail networking newsletter for professional communicators. You probably complain about this newsletter not having jobs in your area, or links that sometimes don’t work, or that there is too much chatter. Well, who the hell are you?

JOTW is a cooperative service that relies on the contributions of its members, like you. We share job opportunities, news and information about the job market, as well as swapping stories about life's peculiarities.

First of all, it doesn't cost you a cent. Not because you should be paying for this service. It’s just that you won’t. And don’t. How does it work? If you find out about a job opportunity in communications, you sit on it unless you don’t really want it, then you’ll at least share it with some shmuck who would. I never give out, rent, or sell my list, and neither does Topica.

You are among 11,475 subscribers in this community of communicators, all of whom are desperately looking for jobs. That means when you apply for a job listed in JOTW, you are competing with 11,475 other communications professionals, many of whom are far more qualified and better looking than you. It’s survival of the fittest, baby! If you don’t like it, go to New York and play “Cash Cab.”

Here at Ned's JOTW we're always trying new things. To keep up with Twitter and other social media, we're changing our traditional One-Paragraph Pitch to a One-Sentence Pitch.

From: Bill Ludlow

Re: One-Sentence Pitch

Thanks, Ned, for this opportunity. I am–

(Next!)

From: Monica Smith-Jones

Re: One-Sentence Pitch

Does this sentence count?

(Yes. Next!)

From: Al Winger, ABC, APR, Ph.D, Realtor

Re: One-Sentence Pitch

Ned, I can't even begin to summarize my qualifications and skillset in just one-sentence. I–

(Next!)

From: Nicki Voss

Re: One-Sentence Pitch)

I'm a communicator and also work part-time as a pole dancer!

(Winner!)

*** K.I.S.S. (Kommunicators In Search of Someone)

I am a student at a large Midwestern university. The other day I was in the library, “studying,” when I saw the most amazing co-ed walk in. She was about 5-foot nine, blonde with large—

(This is Ned’s JOTW, not Penthouse Letters)

Whoops! My bad! Do you want me to finish the story? It’s really awesome. I mean, she had—

(Not the right place. This is a professional networking site.)

I’ll make it worth your time.

(Sorry, no.)

Do you have Bob Guccione’s email address?

(No.)

I can’t believe you don’t want to hear this story, I mean, RIGHT THERE in the library she started to—

(Leaving now.)

DUDE!

( )

DUDE!

( )

FINE. I’ll go to the PRSA web page…

*** JOTW Rock and Roll Trivia Quiz for March 32, 2010:

Q. Who is buried in Phil Spector’s “Wall of Sound?” (Answer at end of newsletter).

*** Correction #1:

The Senior Director, Communications position with Austin Financial Partners, which was said to have reported have a “seat at the table,” reporting directly to the CEO, in fact does not. Your job is to ensure there are pastries and coffee on the table, and to clean up afterwards.

*** Correction #2:

The “Senior Communications Professional” position for Century Consulting Services featured in the last issue, which indicates that Century is “a great place to work,” was posted in error. It actually sucks to work there. JOTW regrets the error and any inconvenience the listing may have caused.

*** Correction #3:

The groundcover marketing communications position with the landscaping firm in last week’s issue was actually looking for a “carpet mulcher.”

Foundation seeks Director of Communications to develop and implement strategic goal of having every hand sanitizer in the United States named after Our Greatest President while promoting healthy habits. Duties include strategic planning across all 50 states and US territories; lobbying on Capitol Hill; op-eds; news releases; event planning; social media; and coordination with industry manufacturers and distributors. With your support, every hand sanitizer in every office, restaurant, medical facility and sports complex will bear the name of The Great Communicator. Resume and Party Affiliation to: RWRSP, The Ronald Reagan Building, 1776 Ronald Reagan Avenue, Washington (Reagantown name change pending), DC 20086.

Trade association seeking to eradicate America's fastest-growing social disease seeks energetic person to serve on the front lines as we launch our latest public awareness campaign, “The Butt Stops Here.” Help us as we appeal to our primary target audience (men) and our secondary target audience (men), as well as tertiary audiences (men) on the importance of proper cell phone storage, butt-dialing etiquette and What To Do When You Accidentally Use All Your Minutes on a Call to Egypt. Resume to buttout@cabd.org. No phone calls please.

4.) “DEFENSE CONTRACTOR,” (NOT A SPY), Arlington, Va.

“Defense contractor” seeks “candidate” for “government”-related “work.” The “candidate” will perform “unspecified duties” related to “national security.” Position requires “travel.” THIS IS NOT A SPY POSITION, despite what you might be thinking. If we were looking for a “spy,” we would come right out and say, “Clandestine agency fronting as a defense contractor looking for spy.” But perhaps we've said too much. Drop off resume and “evidence” of “security clearance” at the Bridge Over the Brook Along Four-Mile Run Near the Soccer Fields at 7:36 pm on Friday. Wear a blue baseball cap and a hoodie and act like you belong there.

5.) No Job

(This job intentionally left unfilled.)

6.) RIDER, Metro, Washington

The Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority seeks experienced Riders to use its public transportation system. Candidates should have minimum masters’ degree in engineering or related discipline with demonstrable map-reading ability, documentable income and the patience of Job. Ability to accept repetitive excuses for poor service a plus. Resume and CV to Metro, Metro Center, Washington DC

7.) Publicist, National Association of Athletes Who Haven't Been Caught, Brentwood, Calif.

Let's be frank (not YOU, Frank–you're secret is safe, for now): we're losing members left and right. For every new goody two-shoes we recruit (welcome, Tim Tebow!), we're losing three (Gilbert, Tiger, Roger). We need a really really REALLY good publicist who can keep our dwindling client base out of trouble. Must be naturally sleazy; lawyers, agents and “bad cops” ideal; DUI trial experience preferred. Resume and court record to: NAAWHBC, Brentwood, Calif.

8.) LYRICIST, Steve Miller Band, San Francisco

Highly over-rated rock band seeks Lyricist to continue proud tradition of songwriting nonsense. Can you rhyme “taxes” with “justice?” Can you make up phrases such as “pompatus of love?” Do you love to butcher verb tenses, such as “Bobbi Sue took the money and run?” Can you write “Someone another, like a sister or brother, a true, fine love” with a straight face? Did your poetry teacher turn in her credentials after you took her class? Then you may be the ideal candidate! Send us your worst—we’ll turn it into a hit! Ability to create gratuitous, gimmicky synthesizer sounds a plus. Finalists will get on a big old jet airliner and fly like an eagle to the sea to perform their poems for the Joker, the Smoker, the Midnight Toker himself! Resume and three poems (non-returnable) to: Steve Miller, San Francisco, CA 94106.

9.) EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, Fake-A-Wish Foundation

National foundation fulfilling the fake dreams of millions seeks dedicated Executive Director. Help our customers achieve world peace, lose 50 pounds, stop smoking, pass meaningful health care reform and allow the Chicago Cubs to win the World Series with charm, chutzpah and a thin veneer of sincerity. Resume (does not have to be yours) to: FAWF, 1 Main Street, Anywhere You Want USA 00000.

Help us promote the first an only airline that meets the Jones Act requirements which restricts common carriers to utilization of U.S. equipment only in interstate commerce. All-America uses 100% Boeing aircraft, made in Seattle, and are fueled by 100% corn ethanol from Iowa. Our flight attendants eat nothing but 100% pure American beef, wheat, sorghum and feed corn. Resume to FlyAmerican@FlyAmerican.org. Not affiliated with American Airlines.

Conduct all press relations and media events and activities promoting, leading up to, during and after the annual Chickasaw Chlamydia Blossom festival and Chlamydia Bowl Football game. Direct media coverage of the Crowing of the Chlamydia Queen and her Chlamydia Court at the Chlamydia Coronation ball. Coordinate with the events and publicity with the Chunchula German Sausage Festival. Represent findings of the “Thong Competition” judging to media. Communicate the message that by dressing up in similar outfits with other young women, and baring themselves to scrutiny to determine which girls meet the highest ideas of perceived physical perfection, these competitors can find a sense of meaning and self-worth. Winners receive a non-speaking roll in Monster garage and a gift certificate to the Chickasaw Choppers Tattoo Emporium. Contact Mandy at Miss Chlamydia Blossom Festival office (790) 674-3313.

13). Marketing and Communications, Final Transitions Assisted Living and One-Way Gated Communities, Murfreesboro, North Carolina

Self-starting reporter needed for our daily electronic newspaper, the name of which escapes us at the moment. Ideal candidate is a self-starter. Resume and clips to: Reporter, AAAMP, hang on, I've got the address written down somewhere…

15). FREELANCE PHOTOGRAPHER, GoogleStreet

We need a digital photographer to go to Delbat, Pakistan, and retake a photo of the corner of Lao Street and Isjahd Road so we can finally be DONE with this project. The last guy we hired sent us a blurry photo that we can't use (and we suspect wasn't even the right corner, as it shows a McDonald's and a gas station with a sign that says “Virginia State Emissions Inspections Here.”) Reply to barneygoogle@googleearth.com.

16). Guest Relations, Pile of Rocks State Park (formerly Old Man of the Mountains State Park), Franconia Crotch, NH

Popular comic strip seeks man with some form of facial hair to serve as a Villain for an upcoming episode. Candidate must possess any/all of the following: bushy eyebrows; moustache (no Hitlers, please); muttonchop sideburns; Van Dyke; full Fidel Castro; or Hulihee. Must also wear collared shirts with pockets. Hatred of nature/animals a plus. Must pretend not to hear when Mark Trail thinks out loud and must be able to absorb a good sock to the jaw. Short-term position (three months). Resume and photo to: NASI, P.O. Box 1920, New York, N.Y. 10025.

18). COMMUNICATIONS SPECIALIST, Dataterrific Inc., Chicago

At Datateriffic, our employees are our most important assets, right behind our customers whose expectations we try to exceed, our intellectual property rights, our corporate jet, our state-of-the-art headquarters and our senior management perk program. We are so grateful to our line employees who put in the 12-hour day/72-hour weeks that have helped make our company the gold standard in our field. We now offer this exclusive opportunity for you to join our team. If you love a challenging environment, are a team player and live to work, we have a place for you! Resume, cover letter and list of hobbies to: UNeedAJob@dataterrific.org.

RePenthouse Magazine, the monthly publication for people who like to look at porn (and then vow to stop), seeks a Visual Information New Media Specialist. We’re not exactly sure what that is, but it sure sounds good, n’est-ce pas? Candidate will also provide content for our sister publication, RePlayboy Magazine, the publication for people who like to re-read the articles in slow motion and reverse angle. Resume to: RevBobGuccione@WaxOnWaxOff.com.

Defense contractor seeks Vice President of Jargon to craft mechanisms that ensure inter-operational optimization and meet mission-critical objectives. Ideal candidate will triage time-sensitive priorities, coordinate infrastructure, enhance operational efficiency and service delivery through service management best practices, drive business innovation, ensure single point-of-accountability across infrastructure and promote time-to-resolution commitments. Background in assured computing preferred. Resume to WTF Corp., Near the Pentagon, Arlington, Va. 22023. This is a gamechanger.

23). INTERN/FOOTREST, Washington, D.C.

D.C.-based communications firm looking for bright, energetic Intern (non-paid) to perform office duties, write press releases and serve as a footrest for senior partners during meetings. Ideal candidate is currently a student in journalism/mass communications with a public relations concentration; a creative writer who can turn copy around quickly; a strategic thinker who sees the “whole picture;” and who can hold position on hands and knees for up to an hour with 30-50 pounds on back. Resume/cover letter to: P.O. Box 33445, Washington, D.C. 20005 or IWantToBeAFootrest@PRfirm.org.

24). GUY WHO CAN WALK AWAY FROM EXPLOSIONS TOWARD CAMERA WITHOUT FLINCHING OR LOOKING BACK (Los Angeles)

When fiery explosions occur, do you duck, cover and run/dive as if your life depended on it, or do you walk away calmly, confidently and purposefully without flinching or looking back? If you are in the latter category, we want you! International conglomerate seeks men and women who are cool under fire and who look cool doing it. Benefits package includes monthly sunglasses allowance, salve and accidental death/dismemberment. Resume/YouTube clips to: the American TNT/Nitroglycerine/Gasoline All In The Same Room Corp. (A division of Toyota), The Warehouse In The Otherwise Abandoned Industrial Park, El Segundo, CA 90046.

25). BOUNTY HUNTER, confidential client, (locations as needed)

Public service organization seeks Bounty Hunter to hunt down anyone who has ever used the phrase, “I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.” Excellent pay and incentive program. If you enjoy ridding America of these public nuisances please send correspondence in confidence to: PO Box 426, Cleveland, Ohio 44104.

We need a dynamic individual who can help us generate tourism for our city. We have a grand history dating back to the 1830s, when our Founding Fathers, Abraham Moist and Jacques Towelette, established a humble crossroads. We think there’s some marketing potential, but we’re not sure how. The last consultant we hired suggested we build a Diaper Museum (seriously?). Resume and track record of branding expertise to: City of Moist Towelette, 156 Clean Kitchen Counter Road, Moist Towelette, La. 54998

27). Propaganda Czar and Political Correctness Commissar, People's Revolutionary Council of Zampolits, San Francisco, CA

The Human Gnome Project seeks a Communications Specialist to write short brief articles and perform light gardening duties; a little some travel required; benefits include uniform allowance. Help us bring this often-overlooked project into the limelight. No lawn jockeys, trolls or fairies need apply. (This program investigates the purchase of every single garden gnome ever purchased to determine the underlying cause of why humans buy them and place them in their garden, in the hopes that we might determine why people steal them, in our lifetime.) Resume, cover letter and a short brief description of your skill set to: The Human Gnome Project, Under A Rock By the Woodshed, Bethesda, MD 20814.

30). Marketing Communications, Amish Stripper Poles, Mountville, PA

The Amish disdain technology, so what could be more simple than a stainless steel pole with no moving parts, except the exotic dancer attached to it. Every Amish family has at least one of these poles propping up their barns. This amazing product promotes weight loss, and can develop skill that can pay for the cost of the product after just one week. Comes with three CD set with instructions and dance music. Optional multi-colored stroboscopic lighting kits available. Must provide own electricity.

https://amishcareeropportunities.com/pole/marcom.

31). Press Secretary, People Against Politicians Who Do Not Proudly Display American Flag Lapel Pins (PAPWDNPDFLP), Washington, DC

Patriotic group seeks patriotic Press Secretary to lead patriotic attack campaigns against people who are not patriotic. We target unpatriotic politicians who, by not wearing American Flag lapel pins, apparently swear their oath to the Commies, the Taliban, Iran and anyone else we can think of. Ideal candidate is a patriotic pit bull who LOVES AMERICA and does not tolerate unpatriotism. Don’t delay—the 2010 elections are coming up and we need you! Resume and 2,000 word essay on “Why I Love America” to patriot@PAPWDNPDFLP.com. No unpatriotic people please.

32). Director of Outreach, Mathers against Drunk Driving, City of Reruns, Calif.

Gee, Wally–the other day I saw Eddie Haskell and Dobie Gillis hanging out in front of the liquor store, trying to get grown-ups to buy them some beer. I had to run home and tell Dad, who called Mr. Haskell and now Eddie is really mad at me because he’s getting sent to reform school. Dad said I did the right thing, though, and that the black eye was worth it, and Maynard Krebs just looks at me with glazed eyes and says, “cool.” And last week I was at Ricky Nelson’s house and it looked like Ozzie was hitting the bottle a bit hard, and Miss Brooks had another martini in her hand when I walked past her house. And don’t even get me started on the Andersons—he might be an insurance agent, but if you ask me, he’s a walking advertisement for Jim Beam. Father does NOT know best! Did you ever notice that all of our houses look the same? And that they’re in black and white? And that we all have underground bomb shelters that nobody likes to talk about? And there’s no toilets in the houses, either; why is that? In all the years I’ve been on that show, I’ve never seen a script that lets me say, “I really have to pee,” because Mom would get all embarrassed and Dad would just say, “Beaver, we’re a ’50s sitcom; there’s no such thing as toilets,” and I would have to just hold it until 1973. But things are starting to look up—David Nelson says a new family is moving into a house down the street and from what he’s heard, it includes girl identical cousins. I mean, they laugh alike; they walk alike; sometimes they even talk alike! I could lose my mind! Anyway, I’ve decided to start an anti-drunk driving campaign for my Eagle Scout project. If you want to help, call me at 213/ME-BLOTO.

33). Director of Member Communications, National League of Emoticons, Wankersburg, Maryland

Are you a happy person? 🙂 I mean, REALLY happy? :-)) Are you funny? 😉 Do you make people laugh? 😀 Do you have a moustache? :<) (Actually, H.R. says we’re not allowed to ask that). 😮 Can you stick out your tongue on command? 😛 Do you occasionally wear your glasses on your forehead? 8:-) Do you count cows 3:-o and gorillas 8:[ among your friends? Can you wear a necktie? :-)<>>>>>>> Are you not Homer Simpson? (_8-(|) Do you admire Abraham Lincoln? =|:-)= Do you hate zombies? (O_o) Do you like listening to music? d[^_^]b. If so, we might have the job for you! 😀 Then again, maybe not. 🙁 If you think you can handle this job, send you resume to National League of Emoticons, P.O. Box 99, Wankersburg, Md. 20855. No meanies 😐 or vampires :-[ please.

Soon-to-be-major Hollywood studio has acquired the rights to the fourth movie in the Jason Bourne trilogy and seeks dynamic Publicist/All-Around Person. In The Bourne Redundancy, Jason Bourne (possibly Matt Damon, expect to hear from him any day now) begins to get some of his memory back and meets this girls and realizes he needs “something”that he thinks is in his wallet, and he remembers he left his wallet in Paris, so he begins to retrace all of his steps from the past five years in an action-filled drama, calling all his friends and enemies for help. This “best of” sequel will recreate all of the action of the first three movies, compacted into 90 minutes of unbelievable action. When he finally finds his wallet, guess what??!!

Candidate will also provide assistance on our other major projects, including “Transformers The Prequel: Save the Titanic”; “High School Musical 4: Keg Party;” “My Mother The Car: The Movie;” and “Principal Ferris Beuller.” Resume and photo to: P.O. Box 55, Hollywood Calif. 90052. No unions.

36). John Doe, National Association of John Does, Doe Gully, W.Va.

Tired of having your name bandied about like so many anonymous…uh, John Does? Tired of being asked if you’re part of a crime scene? Sick of being named in class-action lawsuits that go nowhere? The National Association of John Does believes that strength comes through numbers. Join us! We will give you an identity; your own Facebook group; and the opportunity to BE SOMEONE! You’ll never need a name tag! To join, send $500 to the National Association of John Does, P.O. Box 45558, Doe Gully, W.Va. NOTE: If you are left-handed, please do not join our group; we will happily direct you to the National Association of Left-Handed John Does (not affiliated). Additionally, should your inclination be such as it is, there is also the National Association of Gay John Does; the National Association of Left-Handed Gay John Does (neither of which is affiliated with us); and our Latino affiliate, the Associacion Nacional de Juan Does.

37). Promotions Director, Hindustan Indian and Pakistani House of Poppadoms, Annandale, Va.

America’s largest South Asian breakfast restaurant chain, the Hindustan Indian and Pakistani House of Pappadoms (HIPHOP) seeks promotions director and short-order cook. Apply by phone or just cumin. I hope you weren’t expecting a curry joke. 703/555-9542 .

Help support the new movement to reverse the legal concept of diplomatic immunity. Under our proposal, anyone who hurts a diplomat or damages a diplomat's vehicle, property or person will not be liable under “diplomatic immunity.” Applies only to senior embassy and consular staff with diplomatic immunity.

Send resume to turnaboutisfairplay@state.us

*** Weekly Pyrocy Report:

• Eight-year-old Little Billy Onions attempted to set fire to the goldfish in his brother’s aquarium. The catfish raised the alarm; the goldfish took evasive maneuvers by hiding in a rock tunnel. After five minutes, Little Billy broke off the attack and robbed a bank instead.

• Eddie’s Barbecue burned down for the fifth time in the past four years over the weekend. Eddie issued a statement from his vacation home in the Cayman Islands saying he was “devastated” by the fire and vowed to rebuild the restaurant yet again just as soon as he gets the insurance check.

• On Tuesday, John Lerget, 20, of the Phi Kappa Omega house at Strayer University finally felt confident enough to perform his fire-eating routine at the weekly chapter meeting. Funeral services will take place this Friday at 11:00 a.m. in the university Chapel.

• Lacey Gunston, 45, attempted to burn the candle at both ends last Thursday, but after a few hours decided to watch “Survivor.”

*** Every once in a while you receive a cute e-mail that warms your heart and you just want to pass it along. 🙂

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten-year-old boy who has a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

*** The new, recommended, optional, suggested JOTW policy that asks people who submit listings on behalf of their employer consider maybe possibly sending a company stock, options, or large sums of cash to JOTW, maybe, perhaps.

How does it work? If you find out about a job opportunity in communications, send it to me (lundquist989@cs.com), and I'll share it with the JOTW network when I get around to it. It's that simple. And we share dozens of opportunities each week. Most everyone just assumes I don’t want any money for it, so they don’t send any. But if every person who wanted me to post their stupid job sent me $300 I could get my 1988 Volvo reupholstered. Did I mention it was free?

Your cooperation is requested. Please send job opportunities to share with all JOTW members to lundquist989@cs.com.

Feel free to share this newsletter. Feel free to forward opportunities. Do not copy words that I wrote and use them as your own. I throw these words in here just to see if someone is stupid enough to copy these words entirely from my newsletter without changing them.

To subscribe, or to add a new e-mail address for your subscription, send a blank e-mail to:

To change your address, do both. I can't do it for you. Well, I could, but then I’d be enabling you.

You are welcome to distribute this to fellow communicators. You are welcome to look at the previous issues. To read this list on the web, please visit: http://www.topica.com/lists/JOTW/read or www.nedsjotw.com.

This newsletter is published by:

Edward H. Lundquist, ABC

7813 Richfield Road

Springfield, VA 22153

U.S.A.

+1 703 455-7661

lundquist989@cs.com

www.nedsjotw.com

This special March 32nd issue of JOTW written by Ned Lundquist and Mike Sorohan.