Getting Ready for Grown-Up Sex

BY Johanna Lyman

What can we do about shifting our attitudes and consciousness about sexuality to overcome the limitations and conditions we’ve allowed ourselves to settle for? Fear, insecurity, ignorance and complacency are four major reasons people don’t approach sex in a fully conscious way. Any of these for reasons, combined with our society’s general frame of reference for sexuality, are enough to prevent us from evolving as sexual beings. With a little attention and practice, they can all be overcome.
Sexuality, and specifically our sexual relationships, can help us to know and like ourselves better. Sex can be a way for us to tap into our divine nature and to flow with the life force of the Universe. Our society doesn’t have a model for that kind of sexuality, but we’re beginning to create one. This new model of sexuality uses sex as a vehicle through which we can become more enlightened, closer to our authentic selves, and experience a deeper connection with our romantic partner. If offers an opportunity for couples in long term, committed relationships to deepen their connection and reignite the sparks of passion that brought them together in the first place.
To create this new model of sexuality, we need to break out of the four prisons that keep us from connecting with each other in deep and meaningful ways.
1. Fear. It can be scary to open up and allow you to be vulnerable and truly intimate with another person; even if it’s someone you’re married to or have known for a long time. Part of the process of having grown-up sex is to allow you to be truly vulnerable. Being vulnerable means that we share not only what feels safe, but what feels scary. The best way to break out of this prison is one brick at a time. Perhaps there are several things you’d like your partner to do to you in bed; you can begin by sharing the thing that feels the least scary to say out loud. You can share in a positive, self-referential way, “I like it when you do that” or “it would feel so good if you touched me here.”
2. Insecurity. There are so many things we can choose to be insecure about when it comes to sex. In our performance driven, youth-focused society, we could obsess about the size and shape of every one of our body parts. Part of the power of conscious sex is its ability to help us reclaim our personal power in relationship to our physical body. Stop comparing yourself to others and focus on being the best you can be in each moment. Take heart in the assertion of David Schnarch, Ph.D., who says that humans don’t mature sexually from an emotional standpoint until we’re in our 40’s or 50’s. Wrinkles, grey hair and stretch marks are all signs of sexual maturity, not proof that we’re too old for sex or not good enough any more.
3. Complacency. Conscious sex is not for everyone. It’s not for people who would rather settle for comfortable and predictable than take a chance at extraordinary love, deep connection and wild orgasms. It does require us to step outside our comfort zones and express ourselves in new and more authentic ways. But as a dear friend once said, “If you’re not living on the edge, you’re just taking up space!” Start with small steps, and inch yourself toward the edge. The air gets clearer with each step, no matter how small or large.
4. Innocence/ignorance. If you’re reading this, it’s no longer a viable excuse for you. There are many people who just don’t realize that there are greater possibilities for their romantic relationships than settling for comfortable, occasional sex once they’ve been together for more than a few years. Now that you know there’s another possibility, what are you willing to do about it?