Thursday, November 19, 2015

OTB Logline Critique #11

TITLE: M0U5EGENRE: YA - Science Fiction

In 2265, no one should disappear. Programming whiz Mouse and survivalist Taryn have to use their skills to escape from kidnappers, who have found a way to disable their trackable id-chips and recycle teens into mining robot replacements as part of a virtual reality mind-control experiment.

8 comments:

I think the order of this is confusing. You need to tell us what incites the story first. I'm guessing that's the discovery of these kidnappers? Once we know this, you can tell us Mouse and Taryn's goal. We could also use some stakes here.

This is dense. There is a lot of information packed in, and lots of it is interesting. However, it's hard to parse out the important bits with so much to sift through, and it leaves me really unclear as to what this book is about.

Perhaps focus in on the most important elements--it's 2265 and two kids have been kidnapped. Now they have to escape or...something.

For me, I need to be grounded in a specific situation and the stakes of it before I care or want to know about the other elements that inform that situation.

I think "no one should disappear" is confusing the issue. Start with Mouse and Taryn trying to avoid being kidnapped. Tell us why the kidnappers are after them specifically. I do like the concept of teenagers being converted to mining robots if they are kidnapped. Very original stakes.

This sounds like a solid concept, but the first sentence doesn't really work in the context of a logline; it's as if you're trying to insert a tagline into your logline.

I agree with everyone else here that you need to start with the kidnapping, which is clearly the inciting incident, then keep the focus on the central elements, making sure that the goal, conflict, and stakes are clear.

I think this would be better if you could break down that second sentence. There's so much info jam-packed into one sentence, it just went on and on.

Also, I noticed "MOU5E" in the title, versus "Mouse" in the logline. If the "5" is intentional, why isn't it consistent in the logline? I dunno--it just made me wonder if there was a reason for the discrepancy.

I love the idea, but I think you have to make a choice. Is the story about the kidnappers going on a big chase or it is about teens being recycled as robots? Maybe you could phrase this a little bit more like: whiz Mouse and survivalist Taryn should not share anything in common, except that they help each other escape kidnappers who want to send them to a virtual reality. The question is why? What's so special about these two people and how do they meet?

Disclamer here--I don't typically read SciFi so take my comments with a grain of salt. I found it very confusing. When you say the kidnappers have found a way to disable "their" id-chips, I wasn't clear if you meant all teens or just Mouse and Taryn? I think it would be better if you dropped the first sentence and fit the futuristic date into the main part of the logline.

I agree with the others, this is a lot to take in. I suggest getting rid of the part about "no one should disapear" because, while it's very intriuging, nothing in this tells me why no one should disapear. Also, to save words you could probably get rid of the track able id chips part as it doesn't lend much to the story. I think I mostly wanted to know more about the plot, maybe something about the enemy is or why they would be taken...?