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Author
Topic: that's it (Read 11137 times)

I can't get out of the way I am feeling. I am feeling like I did before when I wouldn't take my meds. I haven't taken them in a week & I don't want to anymore. I'm trying to hang on but I just don't see the point . It won't take me long before I develop pcp again. Since I have had it 2 other times the doc told me the next time I got it that I probably wouldn't live through it. So if that is what it takes so be it. I don't really care anymore.

I am not happy, haven't been for a VERY long time. Most of my life I have had self esteem issues and feelings of not being worthy. So the big failure is gonna throw in the towel and let hiv do what it should have done in the late 1980's.

Don't think I am going to go out and kill myself with a gun, or an overdose or anything. I've got the power inside my body & that is how I am going to go.

Please don't suggest I go get a shrink. I won't go. Or find a support group in my area. There isn't one.

I've posted something like this on the old forum before, but this time I mean it and there is no turning back.

I can't get out of the way I am feeling. I am feeling like I did before when I wouldn't take my meds. I haven't taken them in a week & I don't want to anymore. I'm trying to hang on but I just don't see the point . It won't take me long before I develop pcp again. Since I have had it 2 other times the doc told me the next time I got it that I probably wouldn't live through it. So if that is what it takes so be it. I don't really care anymore.

I am not happy, haven't been for a VERY long time. Most of my life I have had self esteem issues and feelings of not being worthy. So the big failure is gonna throw in the towel and let hiv do what it should have done in the late 1980's.

Don't think I am going to go out and kill myself with a gun, or an overdose or anything. I've got the power inside my body & that is how I am going to go.

Please don't suggest I go get a shrink. I won't go. Or find a support group in my area. There isn't one.

I've posted something like this on the old forum before, but this time I mean it and there is no turning back.

Dearest Dan,

This post saddens me. I'm extraordinarily fond of you and I hate to think that you're suffering like this.

That said, I respect the decision that you've made. I would never suggest to you that you should see a shrink or go to a support group. Clearly they don't work for you. I also know that you've been HIV positive for 20 years. I appreciate that things are very difficult for you at this time. I know you miss your little dog, Oscar terribly. He was a good and faithful companion to you.

I believe that all HIV positive people have a right to stop taking medications for whatever reason seems fit to them at the time. No-one should judge you or lecture you for exercising your right to cease treatment. Similarly you won't hear a lecture from me about the consequences of ceasing HAART. Like I mentioned before you've been positive for 20 years, you know only too well what this horrible fucking virus does to us.

For whatever it's worth, I hope that you find some peace. Remember that there's a pervert on the other side of the planet who loves you madly.

As much as every human being has the right to life, so each one has the right to death. I hope you find peace, and if death is what brings that peace, so be it.

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"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, adaptation in A Walk To Remember

Having only lived with HIV for 4 years I can't imagine the emotional pain and suffering you have been through these last 20 years....and it saddens me to hear you have finally had enough..but after all you have been through I think you have earned the right to make your own decisions regarding your medication...and God help anyone who challenges your decision or dares to judge you because of it.

jerry

Dan please what ever you do don't do it. There are so many of us on here that enjoy talking to you and you mean the world to me. I know we all get down from time to time and I truely understand where you are coming from with your problems at the present. I say the same things about stopping my meds. I would love to give up also because there is nothing in my area to attend either. You just take your time and please I love you and don't stop taking your meds.

Goddammit Dan, You have all these people here (myself included) that you can reach out to. I know you want to, or you would not be posting here. You are in a rut, and that is understandable, but please think about what you are doing. In two months, you are going to be AROUND the people that care for you. .

Give AMG a chance. Give yourself a chanceI see a light at the end of the tunnel. Open your eyes. You will too

Dan, I don't know what to say at this point. I'll stop sending PMs because I don't know if they are helping or making matters worse. I won't tell you what I think you should be or not be doing. I haven't lived with HIV for 20 years but I have lived with it for 15 and as you already know I've had my ups and downs. I thought I was getting to know you and looked forward to your PMs and funny threads in the Off Topic forum. I can't live your life for you and although I'll respect your decisions that doesn't mean I approve of them and that won't stop my anger or tears if something terrible should happen to you.

You know I love you and hope something changes for you soon. I won't stop watching for your PMs but I will give you room to battle these thoughts and feelings.

I don't know you well, but I enjoy your posts and humor, and I hope you'll reconsider.

If not, I understand that, too. That option is never far from my thoughts.

Some days it's the stupidest little stuff that keeps me going. My dog loves me to death, and would truly be lost if I weren't here. What would happen to him? Plus, I don't want to put my mom through that; or my brother (who I live with) is bipolar, and I worry how he would cope without my help. And sometimes it's just knowing that I can make the decision to stop fighting tomorrow that gives me enough power to feel I can keep fighting today.

I dont mean to sound harsh but it seems like so many people with HIV dont want to fight...they become depressed and want to give up! Im the negative person in neg/poz relationship so I dont know exactly what your going through...although I have a pretty good idea. I was diagnosed with Cancer at the age of 24 and went through surgery and chemo...so kind of have an idea how it is to be sick. My attitude was that I was going to beat the Cancer and I did! Since my partners diagnosis I have not seen him down one day because of his illness! He decided the second day after his results that he was going to do everything to beat this illness. I have read books on how your mindset plays a role in how your body fights disease and infections. I know one thing...you should be happy that you have managed to live 20 years with this disease...I pray everyday that my partner and I have 20 or 30 years together.

Whatever you choose, you will always have my deepest respect and affection. I hope you realize that you can always revisit this, and any, choice.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

Sorry dude, but I don't accept or respect you decision. My friend Todd did the same thing and while I sill love him even in death, I will also go to my grave being mad as hell at him. You are a survivor or you wouldn't have made it 20 yrs. Low self esteem is a terrible thing; I have a friend who is an alcoholic with low self esteem and has tried to kill himself 3 times over the years, but he is still here; if he had really wanted to die he would be dead. Have you considered the people that love and care about you? I don't even know you I been absent or hit and miss for so long; it just tortures me when anyone gives up. You are a fighter, have the last 20 yrs of struggling been for nothing?

Dan,I have only been here a little over a month and this truly breaks my heart. Like the others here i respect your decision to do whatever you must. I wish there was some way that I could help you like you have helped me this past month.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

I hope you're feeling better today and are in a better frame of mind this morning.

Hang in there sweetie...

I know that when I get into these rough spells, I have to pull myself out of it and that is exactly what you need to do... You've recognized you're in a bad way and that's a start. Now you have to get out of it. First, drop the bottle of booze -- it's fucking with your head. Dan, You've lasted 20 years so far, so what's another 20? Come on Dan, snap the fuck out of it and prioritize things. I'm not going to tell you to get a shrink or anything like that, and normally I would have done just that, but rather I'm going to say that you are worth something and I'd hate to see something terrible happen to you. There are many people right here who care about you and love you, including myself...please don't give up on yourself and us so easily. Doesn't sound like you.

And Dan, for what it's worth -- Montreal is just around the corner...I hope you are there because there are those of us who would love to meet you and give you a HUG ((((((((((((((((((DAN))))))))))))))))). Whatever you decide to do Dan, and if that means giving up totally and passing on, I'm with you... but please try to make it to Montreal. Can you at least do that? I have a feeling that this trip will be the best thing that has ever happened to you...actually, I know it will do a world of good -- that's a fact!!!

Hang tough baby...hang tough.

Love,

Trish

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"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is buit." Eleanor Roosevelt

You have all these people here (myself included) that you can reach out to. I know you want to, or you would not be posting here.

Oscar (Dan),

I know we don't know each other. I don't post here often enough to know anyone very well really. Nonetheless, when I read that you want to give up and quit your meds to end your misery, a sea of thoughts and questions came flooding into my mind. I also felt a little like throwing up.

Obviously everyone here deals with HIV in their own way. I can accept that after 20 years of trying to live you may feel too exhausted to keep on, but I cannot understand your decision. Maybe after 18 years I havenít suffered enough to know what youíre going through.

Iím not about to ask you specifics, but please consider (if youíre even reading this) that you are clearly loved by many folks on these message forums.

I know you feel there is no other option now, but I do hope that you will reconsider your decision, instead of going into a journey of unnecessary suffering (for you and others). PLEASE allow those who love you help carry you through this darkness. Iíd hate to think youíll miss the dawn that still awaits you.

I wish you roses in the Springfledglings on the wingfireflies that sing your nameI wish you flowers in the grassmemories that lastshelter from the passing rain

I wish you joyI wish you joyI wish you joy

I hope the wind is at your backkeeping you on trackthat you never lack for loveI hope you walk beside your hearteven in the darkguided by the stars above

I wish you loveI wish you loveI wish you love

So wherever you may roamout there on your ownhome is just a heart away

Dan, I wish you would consider reading the other side of the page and quit reading the negative side. Your approach is a self-centered one and I apologize for sounding offensive. But you will be hurting many people who love and care for you. You will not pull out of this depression on your own and it sounds like you don't want help out either. I respect your decision and of course the decision will ALWAYS BE YOURS. Hopefully your next venture will be happier... "Until all courses & avenues have run the full gammit, then and only then should one consider allowing death to win".

I love you Dan. I have been counting the days til we are roomies in Montreal. Can't wait to wrap my arms around you, and cover your face with kisses. Until then, just know I'm here, and that I hold your friendship in the highest regard.I wish I could be sitting next to you at this very moment. I'd put my arm around you, give you a hug, and ask if you wanted to just talk for a while. I'm always around, and wish that the distance were not such a consideration, otherwise I would be on your doorstep.

All my love,Maw

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No Fear No Shame No StigmaHappiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

And Dan, for what it's worth -- Montreal is just around the corner...I hope you are there because there are those of us who would love to meet you and give you a HUG ((((((((((((((((((DAN))))))))))))))))). Whatever you decide to do Dan, and if that means giving up totally and passing on, I'm with you... but please try to make it to Montreal. Can you at least do that? I have a feeling that this trip will be the best thing that has ever happened to you...actually, I know it will do a world of good -- that's a fact!!!

Trish expressed exactly what I wanted to say to you. I think this trip will do you some good, and you never know what effect it'll have on you unless you do it. Sometimes we need to get out of our day to day lives, and travels has always gave me some extra boost. I reckon this one in Montreal will be a bigger boost as it has a totally different meaning than just a simple trip somewhere. And Dan, just being around people who cares for you can't be bad,can it ?

I've written,posted,deleted,and written,posted,deleted. I wanted to respond without anger and emotion,but I can't. I thought about a private response,but felt it only fair to respond to your very public post.

Before I do that, you know I am just up the highway...you are always welcome in my home,and you have a friend that cares. You can believe it or not,that choice is yours.

I ask you and and everyone at AIDSmed to forgive my blunt response,but this emotional hijacking has me very upset. I know this is not about me but you are upsetting me to no end. You post that "this is it" at one moment...that you will let the virus take it's course. Then you turn around and post the orders for the Tshirts. What's your choice Dan...future or no future? If it is the latter let me paint you a picture.

I had two friends,both were poz,and were lovers for many years. One had the misfortune to die pre-cocktail therapy and the other post. Jay had no choice,there was no treatment and his death was slow and agonizing. He suffered and we were relieved when he passed and his agony was over. Roger lived and was doing fine with therapy until his demons took over and he decided he did not want to live without Jay or with HIV. At first I thought him courageous...that it was his choice. I thought,he has the right to die and I will support him in his decision. His choice haunts me to this day. I watched his sweet,kind,parents whither away as they visited him in a nursing home. I watched their hearts break. In his dementia he did not recognize his parents or me. He was in a deteriorating state for almost a year before he left this place physically. At the end it did not appear that courageous to me anymore.

I don't know your demons Dan...or how I could even help. I do know that there are plenty of people here willing to give it a try. What I wouldn't give to sit with Herman or Moffie in Montreal. If nothing else you owe them that.

This is a very serious and difficult decision that you have come to. Very painful also. Strange, but after much soul searching and thought, I've recently come to the same decision myself about my possible stop the taking of meds. Iíve thought about it for quite awhile now and have taken/made all the precautionary steps necessary, legal and otherwise so as to minimize the burden on others.

But only when these medications no longer work. Only when my quality of life is no longer enjoyable. Only when there's no one left for me to love or care for. (There are a few that would be lost without me) And only when there's no one left to love me in return. But Iím not there yet. And Iíll fight like hell until then.

Iím saddened that the value and quality of your life has become so physically and emotionally unbearable for you!

I am sorry you are feeling this way. You are loved and appreciated, and I think you know that. Montreal is going to be very powerful, something many of us desperately need to give us a little 'push' to keep on trying. Please hang on.

Love,

Alan

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"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

I come online today and the first thing i read is you wanting to end it all.PLEASE think this over very very much. I got a call from my mom today, my ex brother in law took his life this last Sat. I cryed it hurt, i was never close to him but i have three nephews that love him so much, one of them Michael has had a lot of problems because he has never felt his dads love, they were not talking and after Michael found out he became angry, why? because he never got a chance to talk to his dad, to set things right between them, now he has to go thru the rest of his life with this. I know he loved his dad so much and now he will never be able to tell him that.I agree with Trish wait till Montreal, you will meet so many wonderful people there, i just wish i could go. Please re think this, I know how it is to live with this for so many yrs. I too have been poz for a long time, and i too have felt the same way as you are feeling right now. PLease don't give up you will be missing a chance to make some wonderful friendships, and who knows maybe someone special will come in to your life.I know i don't know you and that i really don't have a right to ask you to hang in there and to start taking your meds. But damnitif you do this you are cheating yourself and us. Please just think about everyone that loves you and wants you to live.

Thank you all for your responses and I want to tell you all that I really appreciate each and every one of them.I am sorry if I upset any of you. I'm in a low emotional, mental & physical state right now. Maybe it's the viral infection I caught from my dad. Maybe it's all the turmoil with Steve. All compounded by drinking too much. Feeling lost & unsure if I want to give up disability and go back to work full time or continue as things are now. Not having my Oscar anymore has really taken a toll on me the last couple of months. I've been trying to save some $ for another dog, but it just won't be the same with another one. He was special. Maybe it's because I passed the 20th anniversary mark of finding out my status in 1986. I think I've been positive longer than 20 years. I've been thinking back to the time when I found out and all I went through crypto, pcp, the shingles 4 times. I haven't forgotten what it was like when I was sick and in the hospital on oxygen, night sweats, under a cooling blanket for a week because of a fevers of 106. Hallucinating that my friend Kent who commit ed suicide in 1991 was in the room with me telling me to let go. He's been in my dreams lately. Guilt that I infected my ex boyfriend, Chuck. We ended our relationship when I moved back to Jackson in 1992. I still have a lot of baggage from that relationship. I tell myself all the time I don't need a special person in my life, but I do. I am lucky that I have a family that loves me but were very dysfunctional. A cold distant father, a mother that tells you that anything you ever do isn't good enough & sisters that seem more like strangers than family members. I'm close to my niece Emily but she has moved to Denver this week & I won't see her for quite a while. The members of this forum are the only people I have that actually can understand where I come from.

Hal to answer your question of why I posted this and then answered Bailey's post in the t-shirt thread is because that was business & I wanted to make sure he received the shirts that he ordered.

I'm trying to hang on for Montreal, but it still seems like a far off thing. It can't get here soon enough for me, by I will TRY to hang on till then because I really want to meet each and everyone of you.

Dan, you canīt stop fighting after winning battles for the last 20 years. You have to go to Canada this year and the next (so I can meet you then). I love you!And who is going to read my e-mails with ugly boobs?

You had me cry here.I can so well relate and many of you know the state of mind that almost made me commit suicide a couple of months ago.

It feels like somebody pulled the plug.

I can only say one thing :come to Montreal. You are not going to believe the immense healing power that comes from a hug, an embrace, a kiss, a touch, a talk, a look in the eyes of those who understand.

WE ARE POSITIVE DAN. WE UNDERSTAND.

Come to your family in Montreal and feel for the first time how much love surrounds you. It's there, just come and let it be laid over you like a warm blanket on a chilly autumn night.

Let me give you some of my heart. That is why I chose "heartforyou".

Your Belgian chocolate, who would melt without you.

Hermie

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Diagnosed in 1987 and still kickingViread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Hi Dan,A few months ago I decided I was done. No more meds. No more side effects. Done. I made sure my will and living will were updated. I was almost comfortable with it. 99% sure I was done. I spoke with my family. They said absolutely not, keep taking your meds. I basically said--FU, your not the ones who take this stuff, not the ones who live with it everyday.

Then I spoke with my nurse coordinator who works with my ID doctor, and I spoke with my therapist, and they both said I did not have the look of one who is truly done. I didn't, and I still don't know what "the look" is, but I trusted their experience, and just kept taking the meds. I did it for everyone else. Then at some point, I kept taking them for myself. Right now, I am glad I made that choice.

I respect your decision to be done. I understand it. I am sad about how you are feeling. I think people have the right to decide on the end. I wanted to share my story with you to let you know you are not alone. I would like you to keep taking your meds, because I value your experiences, and your posts. But I understand if you feel differently.Christine

O, I have to admit I have felt that way several times. In fact I quit drugs in 99 for three years cause I couldnt stand being sick 24/7 and my body being deformed by the drugs. But I got back on them after three years. (of course I was resistant to everything so I really didnt have a choice). A year or two ago I was so sick from emtriva,which everyone says is no problem, I was ready to quit again. I couldnt eat anything without getting sick but I gained weight. Really cool. Maybe just a week or two break will give you the time to rethink this when you feel better and maybe find something that doesnt make you feel so crummy? I dont know, but I do know its no fu n to feel the way you do right now. Its hard for many here who havent done the drugs long term to realize that there are days the drugs make you so sick you actually start thinking that life just isnt worth living if you are gonna be so miserable. I pray everyday I dont have to go there again, cause I dont know what I will do.

I am lost with words. I too have been dealing with the virus for 16 years. Just recently this year I got back on meds and it has made a difference with me. I'm not judging. I'm not being a shrink. But, there is this sort of emotional roller coaster that we all deal with from time to time.

It's like you are waiting for the ride to be over only to find another dip on the track that scares the hell out of you. My motto is never, give up hope.

In support, if there is anything we can do please let us know. We are all in this together.

It was so sad to read your post I can't imagine what a decision it must be to decide if you are going to stop meds or not. I don't know if i've read your post's wrong or not but the impression i'm getting from you isn't totally all about the living with the meds but other aspects or your life are effecting you more? It seems to me like you've been through so much emotional anguish in your life that it must weigh heavily on you at times. I know you mentioned that you won't go and see a psychiatrist but please consider talking to someone anyone there's too many people here who care about you mate.

We have spoken a few times by PM and I am the last person who will give you advice because that would be wrong. Just know what a difference reading your posts has made to me. I can never understand the things you are going through and can equate only to the loss of your dog. However, just know that I also read your post this morning with great sadness. You must do what you must do and I can't stop you. Just know that you have a family on this forum that cares about you. I look forward to reading your posts and I just hope that there is a future in that.

R

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NB. Any advice about HIV is given in addition to your own medical advice and not intended to replace it. You should never make clinical decisions based on what anyone says on the internet but rather check with your ID doctor first. Discussions from the internet are just that - Discussions. They may give you food for thought, but they should not direct you to do anything but fuel discussion.

Please don't give up, we need you here!I am sure Montreal will change your life for the better, and give you new hope.Who knows what your life will be like in a few months time.I pray for your happiness, you deserve it!

Dan, I think because you of late are so actively and courageously trying tomake the (necessary) changes in your lifeyou feel all this hurt and pain,but in order to deal with all this emotional unprocessed bagageyou have to feel these emotions once again,I will respect your decision however because I do not know what it isto live with hiv for 20 yrs, J

Dan, you know I quit my meds this year. Hey, guess what? I'm not dying yet. And I have time to rethink and reconsider my decision, based on my own personal/emotional journey and the development of meds I can tolerate.

If you are talking about quitting meds for the time being, well, better quit them than take them haphazardly and develop resistances.

If you are talking about offing yourself, that's a very personal choice you have to make. But I believe that this thread has shown that you do not make it without impacting the lives of the dozens of people here who care abotu you. You can claim many things - but you cannot in good faith claim to be alone in this world.

Of course I will be deeply hurt and angry if you choose to die. What do you expect? I like you. And I think you are worth more than you think you are worth.

But it's your call and your life, and I respect that. Whatever you choose for your path, I hope you find the journey delivers the peace for which you have been struggling for so many months. I suspect that this struggle predates HIV.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

Like Jonathan, I feel very strongly about a person's right to choose their destiny with this bug, but last night, while I was making an attempt to sleep; you came through my thoughts and I just wanted to pass on the one thing that I remember from that fog.

I just don't want you to make a "Permanent choice to a Temporary situation". Like Jonathan said, stop the damn meds, as it will give you some time to really take stock in your life and remove some of the shitty stuff that is contributing to your current situation. Stopping the meds will not kill you, and you know that, so I trust you will make the decision that your heart is wanting you to make, so that you can gain some peace in your life.

You know I give a damn, or I wouldn't be posting in this thread. As you well know, I just have a difficult time dealing with this virus and the decisions that it makes us constantly face in this life. I don't envy you, but I care about you, so please just know that.

In Love, Concern and Support.

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The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,and 362 to heterosexuals.This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals, It's just that they need more supervision.Lynn Lavne

It has been 8 days since I'v e taken any meds & last night I had a nightsweat for the first time in quite a few months. I know stopping the meds won't kill me. I will just get sick and end up in the hospital & with fewer med options in the future. Sometimes the will to go on just isn't there. I've had alot of turmoil lately here at home. Stephen & I have ended our relationship. Most people knowing our history would say that is a good thing, but it doesn't make it any easier. Things just weren't the same between us after he came back from Baton Rouge. My parents NEVER ask me how I am they just trudge on with their own lives and are in denial about the things I face. Work isn't going well. I don't think I can do it anymore and will probably end up quitting. I thought I wanted to try and get off disability and try to start earning more $. I want my own apartment & feel like I have more control over my destiny. The only control I seem to feel I have is to take the meds or not. Dread going to see Dr. G on the 29th. He will chew me out for missing meds. Last time I saw him he told me he didn't have to worry about me anymore that I was doing really well. How wrong he was.

I plan on starting my meds back today. Stopping them isn't the answer, it was just a reaction to the drama. & something I shouldn't mess around with.

Your right Johnathon my struggles predate HIV. I could give you a list of things that I have had to deal with in my life, but it doesn't serve any purpose now. That was the past & it's gone. Nothing I can do about it now but go on and live for today & hope tomorrow will be better. I have to make myself believe that.