Friday, July 14, 2006

Enhanced Safetification Through Simplified Levellisation

As many of you will know, the Government has an unrivalled record on public safety. During this Government, public safety has been made safer than ever before, thanks to the Government's concern for the safety of the public.

One of the Government's most concerning concerns in the matter of public safety is safeguarding the safety of the public from the threat of terror. A small but vicious minority of sub-human perverts and Health Service tourists have seized upon a tissue of fictitious grievances and used them as an excuse to strike at the heart of our values as a nation and our right to go about our daily affairs in peace and safety to the continuing profit of our betters.

Besides its concern for the safety of the public, the Government has been unprecedentedly open in informing the public of whatever information the Government thinks it necessary for the public to have. In the wake of the July bombings last year, a Narrative has been issued which narrates all significant events of that terrible day. Many people have been arrested and some imprisoned or shot. One or two have even been charged.

This shows that the terrorists will never terrorise us out of our fundamental values or our concern for the safety of the public.

In accordance with the Government's concern for public safety and maximality of informationatising, the Government has decided to further ensure the safety of the public by simplifying the information given to the public about the extent of the threat of terror from which the public is being protected twenty-four hours a day by the Government and our brave boys in the security services. The Government has decided to introduce a scale of terror threat levels whereby the public can be informed of the level of terror threat.

There will be five levels of threat on the scale of threat levels. This is because the Government is concerned to make the threat level and the public as simple as possible, and most members of the public have five fingers on which to count. The levels are as follows:

Low: This is the fifth highest level of threat. There is no such thing as a nonexistent threat. A low level of threat means that there is no need to panic as our brave boys in the security services have arrested or shot almost everyone who could possibly wish harm to our values, or our way of life. However, this is not to say that another threat could not arise instantly from a different quarter, with a different set of equally fictitious grievances. Therefore, although a low level of threat is no reason to panic, a small and non-excessive level of unease and/or apprehension is permissible within the boundaries laid down at the discretion of those responsible.

Moderate: This is the fourth highest level of threat. A moderate level of threat means that unease and apprehension may be permitted to exceed the boundaries permitted under the Low threat, although a suitably British level of stoicism and business as usual should at all times be maintained. A moderate level of threat means that our brave boys in the security services are doing all they can, but are nonetheless almost fairly sure that a potential terrorist act of terror may at some point take place.

Substantial: This is the third highest level of threat. A substantial level of threat means that you are entitled to fear for yourself and your loved ones. A substantial level of threat means that our brave boys in the security services are virtually certain that a possible terrorist act of potential terrorist terror may be about to take place at practically any time in the near or further future.

Severe: This is the second highest level of threat. A severe level of threat means that you should think seriously about the state of your family's insurance policies and, if you are on benefits, place all documentation in a safe place to avoid complications and possible legal action should your entitlement change as a result of deaths and/or mutilations to your nearest and dearest. A severe level of threat means that our brave boys in the security services have established that terroristic activity is actively terroristic and, while there is no reason to panic, the severity of the threat should not be underestimated.

Critical: This is the highest level of threat. A critical level of threat means that you should make advance funeral arrangements for anyone you can think of and, if you wear glasses or contact lenses, paint them white for protection against flash burns. While maintaining your natural aspect of little people's courage and unassuming stoicism, you may find it helpful to be eaten up with anxiety inside, as this will confuse the terrorists. A critical level of threat means that our brave boys in the security services have no idea what is going to happen or where, but are sure it will be bloody. While there may be every reason to panic, of course this is not an excuse for aiding the terrorists by screaming or looting or expressing dissatisfaction with the Government's concern over public safety.