Friday, March 15, 2013

Search Terms: A New Hope

Every now and then I look at the search terms people use to end up on my site. As you can tell, my site focuses on being rip-roaringly funny. You’d think people would be looking for humor. However, the vast majority are looking for:

jennifer lawrence topless

I’m kinda proud I got to this before the Oscars. After all, she isn’t topless in anything, yet people still come here hoping for it.

dario beck

Still don’t know who that is. Did I use his picture or something?

serinda swan nude

Still don’t know who she is, but I know I used her picture.

felicia day bikini

Wait, did she do a bikini shoot? Man, I got to search for that.baby bikini

Er, what? Why would anyone put a baby in a bikini? Why would you put a baby in a swimsuit, for that matter? I mean, they just need a diaper, for crying out loud.

bikini tattoo

Here's one I had done:nazi dominatrix

Best kind of Nazi. Other than, you know, dead.

red sexuality

The communists weren’t sexy. Look at Fidel Castro and Joseph Stalin. They were about as sexy as a tapeworm.

Okay, so some people do come to my blog looking for humor. I got a lot of:

funny camping pictures

Camping, a sport where people who don’t know how to survive in the wilderness stand next to the wilderness and pretend to be rugged, is inherently funny. Pictures of camping? Not so funny.

funny skydiving

Skydiving, a sport where a land-bound species pretends to fly, is inherently funny. Unfortunately, the only funny pictures of skydivers involve them hitting the ground at terminal velocity. Yeah, not going to post those.

funny spanking

Spanking, a sport where… Er. What?

funny fertilizer

Sorry, I can’t think of a single fertilizer joke. No, wait, I got one. Have you heard the one about the surface-applied Treflan derivative? It seemed to Command too much Bladex! Yeah, can you tell I grew up in the Midwest?

There must be some kind of black market for kid’s pee, because I get these:

a child urine

Said the one goldfish cracker to the other goldfish cracker. (Say it out loud. You’ll get it.)

funny kid songs on pee

Anything by Justin Bieber is funnier if a kid pees on it. Better yet, can we find a kid who will pee on Bieber himself?

funny pee pee song

See the aforementioned Bieber joke.

I seem to get a lot of medical searches:

brillian juvelery for teeth

I love this one. I imagine there’s some guy who wants to get the grill in his teeth replaced (with something more gaudy) because his current one makes him talk funny. Somehow, it’s also making him type funny.

my i see your silver fillings

All the better to EAT YOU WITH, my dear!!!

doctors who spank

Sorry, honey, I’ve been looking for one of those for years. We all have to settle. I know a nice, Jewish CPA, if you’d like to meet him.

nurse lamp

That would leave burn marks on your nipples.

nipple men

Yeah, I suppose the nipple men could fix the burns. Problem is, all men are nipple men. The trick is finding an expert with nipples. By the way, I’m in the book and make housecalls.

nipples man

Yeah, man, like… Did you ever get high at a strip club, you know? And then have this, like, mind-blowing epiphany about… Nipples?

british old man

There’s only one old British man with nipples:

Sometimes, I get requests for help:

cake installation

Installing a cake is simple, if you’re using Internet Explorer and Windows 7 or above. Just find the cake’s AUTOEXEC.BAT file, and run it in the MS-DOS shell.

nerd with knives

I suggest you put on an episode of Star Trek and run for it.

Finally, I get a lot of people looking for things I just call “disturbing”:

fandango sucks ass

I feel kinda bad about this one. After my Fandango debacle, they apologized, explained the theater owner had made a mistake, refunded my money, and gave me free tickets. So, Fandango doesn’t suck ass. Unless, you know, you’re into that.

imagination is a lie

This also upsets me. You’re looking for proof that imagination isn’t real and Google sends you to my blog. Nice, Google. Real nice.

“sweating while naked” –porn –sexy –youtube

I’m not sure what disturbs me more: that you ended up on my site, or that you actually think you could find naked people sweating that isn’t porn. Is there anything on the internet that involves sweaty naked people that isn’t porn? I don’t think so.

“wave phones” sen

I have no idea what this means. It keeps me up at night.

camping rock crawlers guns girls

This keeps me up, too. Does it mean:

• You went camping on rocks, but the crawlers gunned down your girls

• You were listening to “camping rock” by The Crawlers when you heard a song called “guns and girls”

• Some kind of crawling rock camped on your guns with girls?

Help me out, here.

walking dead debunked

Wait, you’re telling me that The Walking Dead isn’t a documentary about life in the Deep South? Say it ain’t so, Frank Darabont! Say it ain’t so!