Building Healthy Intimate Relationships:

Intimate relationships are often the source of many years of happiness and satisfaction, and sometimes the cause of great pain and suffering. It depends! I will list various realities of initiating and maintaining a positive intimate relationship. After reading these, ask yourself: Where is my relationship? If you are unhappy, do something about it. Stay safe in the process.

Known Characteristics of Healthy Intimate Relationships:

Do your best to maintain balance between independence and dependence on each other. Decisions and related behaviors need to be mutually acceptable to avoid conflict. Too much independence, and too much dependence tend to make relationships a bit rocky at time. Work hard together to find the Middle Way here. Some mutuality is required.

Compromise and, if necessary sacrifice, to maintain a mutually happy interpersonal context. Too much entitlement and controlling behavior harms good relationships; not caring much at all about what your partner does without you may lead to the same outcome. Again, work at finding a mutual point of caring and being cared about.

Good communications skills are a necessary component of maintaining a healthy relationship. If there are communication blocks, especially when emotional issues are involved, the relationship may not work out well. Be careful of communication that is dominant and/or submissive. It needs to be effective and share qualities of equality and mutual respect.

Dominance and power inequality almost always cause close relationship to fail. If there are parts of the relationship where one party maintains strong dominance, failure is almost a predicted reality. If either party holds dominance in certain areas, this must be offset by the other party being more dominant in other areas. Balance of shared dominance is tricky, but it can work. Notice how mutuality and compromise keep coming up.

If your partner has a serious character or behavioral issue (violence or addiction for example), and you HOPE to help her/him change – good luck. Holding onto relationships with built-in ongoing conflicts, where one party has intention to help/change/fix the other are usually doomed. One person cannot control another person!

Mutuality of sexual intimacy and pleasure in the bedroom are important. Sexual pleasure as a loving act must be shared by both partners in intimate relationships.

Mentalization, or returning to an executive/cognitive focus, may be an important variable in successful relationships. This is more important when highly emotional issues arise; to prevent limbic-brain reactivity andanger, intimate partners need to retreat to their executive, cognitive, prefrontal brain power. Taking a break from complicated conversations may be helpful.

Good mindfulness skills may be important. When partners in an intimate relationship have emotional conflicts, it is important to PRESS the pause button and reflect on what is happening right now in the present moment. Try not to evaluate so much; better to observe, be fully aware, and respond carefully and effectively. Find middle ground!

Know thyself! The better you understand your own needs and preferences, the more apt you are to consider the consequences of reactive behavior. Same is true for your partner. Of course, both of you must know each other very well to help your relationship be successful in both life and love. Both of you have strengths and weaknesses acting on the relationship.

If you or your partner suffer from anxiety or depression do your best to be kind and helpful to each other. In some cases, psychological issues may lead to chronic feelings of abandonment anxiety and abandonment depression: anxiety about the possible loss of the relationship, and depression when/if you actually do lose it or part of it. Get professional help as needed.

When couples experience serious challenges to their relationship, it may be helpful to use more advanced mindfulness skills. These may include: present moment awareness, non judging, radical acceptance, tolerance, compassion/self compassion, clear seeing, RAIN practice, observing sensations and emotions w/o acting on them, and kindness. Be good to each other.

We also must contend with the realities of brain neuroscience. Three brain substances are necessary to activate certain pathways (motivation, pleasure, intimacy); these are dopamine, endogenous opioids, and oxytocin. Within intimate relationship spheres, these three often interact together and their dominant brain areas activate accordingly. We need motivation to work at the goal (a mutually rewarding relationship); we need the impact of concrete rewards for feeling pleasure and wanting more; and, we need to have empathic intimacy in relational interactions. Any malfunction of these brain pathways may cause failure in intimate relationships.

When all else fails, returning to the biblical story of Adam and Eve may be helpful (if you are a believer). They were living in the garden of eden, and Eve decided to be more assertive and pursue what she desired (attachment here). Once the deed was done (the apple was eaten), they would be banished – and by the way Eve would be blamed. Sound familiar? Adam decided to stay with her, and later after leaving Eden they had two children. One child killed the other, but they did not give up. They had a third child. Despite chauvinistic character assassination of Eve by male church leaders, they did according to the story live a happier life than one would expect.

If all else fails, and you both want the relationship last, go into couples counseling with a skilled, licensed psychotherapist.

Make a list of the cognitive and affective content that are the consequences of your negative emotional experience with your inner self-critic. These will be your targets over the next few weeks and months.

As strange as it sounds, begin to befriend the targets you noted. Slowly, graciously, and compassionately make space inside your heart for these not-so-pleasant inner experiences. They are part of you.

When the thoughts, images and emotions come up regarding what is NOT ok with you, use your imagination to paint over them with your favorite color.

When you encounter these negative introjects, use your imagination to make them smaller in size so your mind’s eyes see less mass.

When you encounter these painful inner experiences, use a split screen technique to place the negative in one section and an opposite positives YOU DO POSSESS in another section of what you see with your mind’s eyes.

Important – DO meditation or yoga or exercise for at least 10 minutes EVERYDAY. Do your best to slowly expand your time in these very helpful and emotionally self-regulating activities.

Radically accept what you cannot change, but work very hard on changing what you can change.

Forgive yourself for all past actions that have resulted in you experiencing shame or guilt.

Foster positive relationships where there is mutual social and emotional support, and discard those that are negative and unhelpful for you.

If you are in psychotherapy make self-esteem improvement a part of that process, and encourage your helper to measure the outcomes over time.

Consider writing in a self-esteem and/or happiness journal daily. Write at least one positive, helpful sentence each day, then go back and re-read it after each week of journaling.

Practice letting go of the past, which you cannot change.

Practice planning for the future, but know you cannot control it.

Practice active participation in the present moment, which is the only moment of experience you have direct emotional control over. Be present for both positive and negative experiences in the present moment.

STOP upward comparison with others, who you think have what you want.

Practice downward comparison with others, who you know have lees than you have.

Practice any helpful spiritual or religious activities that you find helpful.

Learn about and practice using your core values in your own life experiences (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).

STOP struggling to get what you crave, thinking that it will make you happy. Research and thousands of years of human experience have shown this desiring/attachment does not bring lasting, internal happiness.

Read good books about how to improve your own self-image and be happier in your life.

The Holy Year of Mercy

Like the Fourteenth Dalai Lama of Tibet, Pope Francis in The Church of Rome, is sharing his opinion on compassion and mercy in life. Although Pope Francis distinguishes compassion (a human action) from mercy (a divine action), the two positive conditions are quite similar in values, attitudes, and behaviors. Pope Francis has initiated “The Holy Year of Mercy” in the Catholic faith. I will provide a very brief summary about what actions are being recommended. We all should remember what Saint John of the Cross said about how we will be judged. “In the evening of life, we will be judged on love alone.” Within your own private introspection, where do you now stand on living your life with compassion, mercy, and love? Here are some suggestions from the Papacy.

From The Seven Corporal Works of Mercy

We need to feed the hungry.

We need to provide drink to the thirsty.

We need to dress the naked.

We need to house the pilgrim.

We need to visit the sick.

We need to visit the imprisoned (physical and emotional).

We need to bury the dead.

From The Seven Spiritual Works of Mercy

We need to advise those in doubt.

We need to teach the ignorant.

We need to admonish the sinner.

We need to console the afflicted.

We need to forgive offenses.

We need to be patient with all people.

We need to pray (in your own way) for both the living and the dead.

So, during this special year of practicing mercy for all people, where do you stand at this time? You may want to reflect and then act in a positive manner.

Mindful Loving Can Improve Relationships

The 14th Dalai Lama (Tenzin Gyatso), Pema Chodron, David Richo and many others have provided us with helpful advice about improving the quality of our significant relationships. The Dalai Lama in various writings reminds us that to have true compassion for others – including those we love – we must first have self-compassion. We cannot know true compassion for others if we do not have compassion for ourself. Open-heartedness in kindness and caring begins within us. Once we have it and can feel it, then we can provide it to others. In the end we are reducing our own suffering as well as the suffering of others.

Pema Chodron, in A Beginner’s Guide to Meditation, reminds us that we can experience true transformation only after we practice honoring ourselves as the sources of innate compassion and insight. Bodhichitta (open, soft, warm and kind heartedness) is necessary for social wisdom and personal transformation to occur. We must begin with ourselves. The various approaches to compassion, generosity, loving kindness, and sharing – they all begin within.

David Richo’s book, How to be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving, also notes that it all begins within us. He quotes Milton’s Paradise Lost: “A paradise within” is the starting point. According to Richo, it all begins with mindful attention. Paying caring attention to the person you are in relationship with is highly important for improving the quality of that relationship. Be present, listen, observe, and be part of mutually-supportive interactions. Having skills in mindful attention is a must. Mindful acceptance is another required characteristic for successful relationships. Accepting the other person – all parts of them – sometimes may even require radical acceptance (see Tara Brach’s work). Mindful appreciation and gratitude for the other person and their caring actions are part of the formula for healthy, loving relationships. Let us not forget the importance of mindful affection – respectful, mutual holding and touching. Mindful affection, perhaps more than any other mindfulness-based practice, may be the single most powerful connective aspect in loving relationships. Deep, caring, mutual affectionate interactions are required. Mindful allowing is also important – the quality in a relationship that allows space and time for the other person to be who they are. It is clear that specific mindful actions improve the quality of significant relationships, and that these mindful interactions are mutual in nature.

There are other powerful components in loving relationships. Support for each person’s self-esteem and self-respect is absolutely necessary. The quality of early attachment relationships will play a highly significant role in the quality of current relationships. Trust, feeling safe, being supportive, and experiencing love all improve our relationships. Likewise, emotional self-regulation and the ability to let go of ego-based and habitual control mechanisms become more and more important as our relationship grows closer and deeper. Insight into our own narcissistic desires and self-hating extremes (if existing) will be necessary to overcome archaic emotional entanglements. We must change these conditions of the self. We all suffer, and we all can experience happiness. Regular couples meditation and loving kindness and compassion practices will be helpful. There are enemies of healthy relationships: ego, fear, over-attachment, self-centered desire, clinging, over-controlling, and entitlement – all work against loving relationships. Do good! Be kind! Allow yourselves to become ONE with it all. Since love may be the ultimate possibility of possibilities (as Richo notes), true mutual selflessness may also be part of this process.

For more information refer to Richo, D. (2012). How to be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving. Boston: Shambhala Publications.

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