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Editorial: Video Games Are Cluckin’ Awesome

Chickens, while known as a delectable and relatively inexpensive part of the meat food group, have also been known to leave an impact on video games. No really, this editorial definitely is not an excuse to use the slider attached to it, and is definitely about honoring the usage of chickens in video games. Just think about it, some of gamers’ favorite video games of all times have had chickens included in them. Now stop thinking that hard because that previous statement was not entirely true, but this editorial will hopefully be able to shine an highly needed spotlight on the contribution chickens have made in the gaming industry.

Chickens in a mob.

As many who have played a game in the “Legend of Zelda” franchise know, there is a recurring race of chickens known as cucoos (most likely the Hylian word for them) who can become a threat if mistreated. Starting with Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, if Link attacks a cucoo repeatedly, an angry flock of cucoos will swarm the screen and begin to attack Link until he either dies or leaves the screen. There is also the possibility of just picking up the cucoo Link attacked as a way to apologize, but when that many cucoos appear on the screen at once, decision making is fueled purely by fear and adrenaline at the threat of the famous “11 herbs and spices death.” This angry mob attacking has since then been a relative constant in almost every “Legend of Zelda” game making them a formidable opponent in the quest for justice. Although players had seen chickens as weak before, no longer shall they be so ignorant in their beliefs thanks to cucoos.

What is a mob to a King?

Many Pokemon are based on animals, water is wet, and the Quesalupa from Taco Bell is both overpriced and delicious. These are simply the facts of life, which makes sense as to why the fine people at Game Freak created a chicken Pokemon known as Torchic who was a starter in the Hoenn region. Starting off as a simple chick, Torchic eventually evolves into Blaziken, a large humanoid chicken that can kick about 1/50 as hard as One Punch Man can punch, according to the latest studies at Adeki University. Just like how the cucoos swarmed to teach their message of strength, Torchic can be seen as the Martin Luther King Jr. of chicken freedom, leading them and repressing their strength in order to find non-violent ways to handle conflict. More than that, Torchic was also able to disguise itself as a weak chick in times of dire emergency, and when the enemy revealed their weak spot, Torchic would do an incredible leap in the air and peck the enemy’s eyes out with incredible speed.

What is a King to a GOD?

Crumpet fungus, evaporated cheese, wall chicken, only one of these actually exists and the answer may surprise even the most intellectual of intellectuals. Yes, starting with the very first game in the “Castlevania” franchise, aptly known as Castlevania, it was possible to find a cooked chicken here and there within the walls of Count Dracula’s abode. This magical wall chicken could heal 6 pegs of the protagonist’s health and was seen as a blessing from the Gods. However, there is one problem, “Konami” thinks that they are the tits and the actual name for the item is a Pork Chop according to the original Castlevaniamanual which is available online. This is a bold-faced lie because gamers as a community have agreed through the usage of memes that this “pork chop” should be and is named wall chicken. Now, there are other gaming purists who reject what the community has said, and instead just blindly believes what the manual tells them. The gaming community has told these naysayers “screw you, Jeff.”

Oh God, was wall chicken the Mandela effect in effect? Has it really been a pork chop this entire time? Well, it is too late now, the editorial has already been written, he can not back out of this now. This might cost Adeki his job, to spout such mistruths and then pass them off as gospel, oh the risk he runs with this editorial. Adeki could have SWORE he knew that meat to be chicken and yet the facts are laid out against him. Oh my, he is returning, disregard these past sentences from yours truly, Adeki’s Brain. That is all folks! A masterpiece of an editorial all about chickens and how they have changed the gaming industry for the rest of its life. If you like or dislike chickens, make sure to leave a comment below letting us know why. Or, if you want an editorial about a different kind of flightless bird, such as penguins, comment that as well. We want to know what you think!

Pretty sure people just think chickens are funny. I find them to be dirty and fairy flavorless unless you’re adding things with actual flavor, unlike what one would have to do to enjoy a savory salmon filet or a slab of the undisputed Meaty King, beef. Cows, by the same token, are also funny, though salmon less humorous without further enlightenment. As a beef lover, I feel marginalized by these chickens being foisted upon my gaming experiences, and am considering kicking and screaming about it in order to provide myself with an imagined controversy to champion. Who’s with me? Shall we march against this fowl oppressiveness?