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Thursday, March 3, 2011

Awarding Awards to the Academy Awards

At the Oscars, awards are always given away. The show never gets any awards for itself, the poor thing, so I’m here to rectify that. Whether or not you watched the Oscars on Sunday, the show was worthy of some acknowledgements. So, without further ado (don’t you love the word “ado”) here are the first annual Academy Awards Awards:

The award for Best Music of the Evening goes to…The piano notes that were played to kick people off stage. Truly inspiring, and greatly appreciated.

The Best Clapper award goes to…Annette Benning, for her uncanny resemblance to a seal.

The award for Most Dressed goes to…The hostess Anne Hathaway. I didn’t count the exact number, but she must have changed outfits like 240 times.

The movie that did the best job of letting other movies win…True Grit. It felt like the thing was nominated in every category. Good at everything, great at nothing.

Winner of The Best Tuxedo is…Guy in the 8th row, four seats to the left. It was such a nice shade of black.

The award for Cleanest Head goes to…Geoffrey Rush. If he hadn’t been wearing glasses, we might not have even known it was a head.

The Most Annoying Thing award goes to…Those stupid envelopes that every presenter fought with every time, just to tell us the winner. Seriously, who designed those?

The Special Appearance award goes to…President Obama, for taking time out of his low approval rating to tell us that he likes the song “As Time Goes By.”

Winner of the Most Purple Dress is…Natalie Portman. It was a really, really purple dress.

The award for Best Sounding Movie Title goes to…Na Wewe (pronounced Nah-Wee-Wee)

And that does it for this year’s Academy Awards Awards. Thank you to the entire production staff, the lighting guys, and all those who believed in me when others were saying, “Giving awards to awards is stupid.” This is for all of you.