Meds OOPS

I normally take my afternoon Cymbalta/Prozac/Focalin combo by five p.m. Because ya know, it gives me that hypomanic jolt. Tonight I didn’t remember them until 8:30. So it’s creeping toward one a.m. I am not depressed, I am not manic. My brain, however, is swirling with tornado thoughts. I’m not the least bit tired. Yet I can hear the time ticking away, knowing if I don’t seize sleep NOW…I am going to be prime pickings for the spawn tomorrow. She knows when I am tired and she comes at me twice as hard.

She was a butt after I got her from Grandma’s today. Just loud and shrieky and filling every moment with her babble. She blew off every word I said, mouthed off left and right. I told her next time she opened her mouth so disrespectfully I’d swat her butt. And she sticks her butt up in the air and says, “Do it, Mommy, I want to be spanked.”

I don’t even know what to do with that.

We had parmesan bites for supper, she was still tirading cos R and I had them the other night and didn’t save any for her. In spite of her grating on my nerves and me being so high strung and grumpy, I kept my word. Yay me.

Aside from Uzi child…it was a pretty quiet day after noon.

Oh, lovely, scumbag brain is doing it’s panxiety thing, pelting me with surges of “this is not our norm, we must take to the bed and warm vanilla blankie or something bad bad bad is gonna happen.” My inability to handle deviations never used to be this extreme. It was bad but this is ridiculous. I almost feel like a little kid up way past her bedtime and if I don’t stop deviating and go to bed, I’m gonna get in trouble with mom and dad….

We watched a movie on Hulu today. Their movie selection is underwhelming. I mean, this is stuff you won’t even find at redbox. But since I loved Vampires Suck, I decided to watch a parody called Stan Helsing. It dragged in places which bored me but…OMG, Freddy Krueger at the video store with Michael Meyers and Pinhead…that was fucking hysterical. Then at the karoake showdown with the good guys vs the monsters (Freddy, Jason, Michael, Pinhead, Leatherface, Chuckie (doll from Child’s Play) the monsters did a song to the tune of YMCA by Village People. But it was, “We came to kill S-T-A-N….” They totally should have won. Spook says she wants to be Pinhead for Halloween next year. Oh, I will have soooo much fun making that mask.

I also watched Primal Fear, again, but I can’t say I sat still more than ten minutes at a time so I half listened and glimpsed it. I didn’t do a fucking bit of housework today. I figure, give it a whirl tomorrow. I can’t keep up with a kid who changes clothes six times every damned day. (Sometimes she purposely spills her drink so she can whine, I’m wet and I’m so cold, I need to change…wenchery.) I’m not much better. I go out in public, the anxiety makes me all sweaty. If it’s warm out the trailer is too warm so I have to put on short sleeves and of course, comfy jamma pants…

I WANT MINIONS.

As wide awake and hypomanic as I am feeling, I should be trying to write. Sometimes you just have to sit down and start typing. Maybe it takes, maybe it doesn’t. I’m just not there yet. This year has been traumatizing above all other years, including the one right after the donor walked out. 2016 sucks this much, I may well need a stay at the Club Psychiatric Med. Straight jackets BEST come in black, I don’t do white.

Now if I want to get even a few hours of sleep, I am gonna have to sleeping pill myself. Which will take time to kick in. And make me feel half loopy or groggy all day tomorrow…Fuck. I need one of those pill keepers with a timer to remind me to take the damned meds. I am so overwhelmed by the racing thoughts, the noisy child, all the outside stimuli…

Fuck it, I will take melatonin. Vanilla bean (the blankie) is calling my name, luring me with warmth and comfort. Manipulative damn blanket.

I found this yesterday and thought it was pretty funny even if Friday the 13th was a sad day in history. When you can’t fix it, you gotta use humor to get through this thing called life. Though sometimes it feels more like Purgatory as portrayed on Supernatural.