LA, NY - (May 4) -
According to a breaking news story on CNN or in last
November's Newsweek, the so-called "American
people" have apparently taken a nice long leak or dump
on their own so-called "pop" culture.

Although one spokesman for the American people responded
to the accusations by claiming it was "just a way to try
to keep up with the Europeans, who will soon roll out
their own exciting new 'common currency,' the Eurine,"
another spokesman for the American people claimed that
this was all happening because the American people just
needed some kinda "hero" really bad.

"They need someone to lead them in running through the
De La Turette's Syndrome Fight Song -- if you know what
I mean," the spokesman, Rebecca Kramer, stated.

She also claimed the American people needed new
celebrities to lead them to new unified field theories
of utter stupidity, ugliness and brutality in everyday
life.

Disease Caused By Treatment

An article in this month's American Journal of New
England Medicine reveals that researchers have known
for many years, now, that the single cause of all
disease is actually treatment itself.

"Most people only think they are sick," said Dr.
Rebecca Kramer, head of research at John Hotchkiss
University. "After all, as everyone knows, life is just
the placebo effect writ large and in reverse. So when
people come to us for help, the first thing we do is
clear up their reverse-placebo-driven delusions right
away, and then make sure they really get sick.

Kramer claimed the goal of her institute was "justice
for Nature, not for individual people."

"It isn't fair to Nature," she explained, "for certain
individuals to have all the glory and grandeur of the
full-blown symptomatology of, say, psychotic breakdown,
while experiencing none of the downside of actually
having the fucking disease."

The exciting new medical breakthrough was sparked by the
accidental discovery that digital rectal exams cause
prostate cancer, and that mammograms cause breast
cancer.

Replacement For Bogus Viagra Found

Only days after the hot new dick drug, Viagra,
had been shown to be an utter fucking worthless load of
placebo bullshit, a brand new
hot new cure for being an impotent dickhead, has, uhhhh,
arisen, to take its place.

"A brand new hot new cure for being an impotent
dickhead, has, uhhhh, arisen, to take Viagra's place,"
Rebecca Kramer, head of research at the Tommy Lee
Institute for the Study of Tommy Lee's Cock, told a
rabid group of reporters, early today.

"The exciting new cure for being an impotent dickhead is
you simply get in your pickup truck with your shotgun
and your dog and a can of gasoline, drive onto the
busiest freeway in LA, stop traffic, set your truck and
yourself on fire, run out burning, remove your clothes,
and then go back and get the shotgun out of the back of
the truck, put it in your mouth, and blow your
motherfucking impotent brains out. Case closed.