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Money Manners: Father-in-law always insists on picking up the tab

What should you do when a family member gets angry when you try to pay for their meal? Should you just let them pay and keep the peace?

By By Jeanne Fleming & Leonard Schwarz

Fri., July 29, 2011

Dear Jeanne & Leonard,

My father-in-law is a great guy, except for one great fault: He never lets my wife and me take him out for a meal. Last weekend we tried to take him out for his birthday. But when I reached for the check, he got really angry at us. So to keep the peace, we had to let him pay. What should we do about this?

-Matt

Dear Matt,

Stop inviting him out to dinner. Seriously, since your father-in-law refuses to accept being your guest in a restaurant (and shame on him), don’t invite him to be one. Instead, if fêting him with a meal is in order, have him to your home. Which is not to say that you and your wife need to prepare the dinner; just be sure to have it delivered and paid for before he arrives.

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Dear Jeanne & Leonard,

Last fall our son “Ryan” asked if we could help with the tuition if he went to business school while his wife “Amy” worked to support them. Though doing this will be a squeeze for us, we were happy to say yes. Then last weekend, following a barbecue at Amy and Ryan’s, Amy’s father took me aside and asked that my wife and I join him and his wife in chipping in $500 a month “to help out the kids with their household expenses.” I was stunned. My wife and I are paying $35,000 to help their daughter’s husband get an M.B.A., yet these folks think “it’s only fair” that both sets of parents help with the rent. What was the right response?

-Tom

Dear Tom,

“Once you’ve ‘chipped in’ 35 grand, call me.”

No kidding. What you should have said last weekend, once the shock subsided, were words to the effect of “I’m very sorry, but the tens of thousands of dollars we’ll be paying in tuition is all the help we’re able to give them.”

And what you need to do now is be certain Amy’s parents know that you’re picking up the tab for Ryan’s tuition and certain they understand the magnitude of that tab. If there’s any chance they don’t, Amy needs to sit them down and lay it out for them. And while she’s at it, she should point out that without your help, she and Ryan would be on the hook for $35,000 in student loans.

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Dear Jeanne & Leonard,

Because my home has a large entertainment room that’s perfect for the kids, my two sisters and their families always come here for family get-togethers. The dinners are potluck, and that part works out fine. But it always falls to me to get a movie or two to keep the kids entertained. I don’t want to sound small, but I’ve rented close to 100 DVDs during the past few years, and no one’s offered to pay for one of them. Shouldn’t my sisters be contributing something toward this expense? Sure, I use Netflix, but it’s not free.

-P.B.

Dear P.B.,

What about the cost of running your dishwasher at the end of the evening? Should they also be contributing to that?

Look, when there’s a family potluck, you can’t even out the expenses down to the last couple of dollars, and you probably shouldn’t try (do you want your sisters asking you to contribute to the cost of the gas they use coming to your house?).

Still, assuming the other costs of these evenings are roughly evenly shared, your sisters should have noticed that there’s one expense that falls solely on you, even if it’s a minor one. Before their obliviousness drives you nuts, why not suggest that the three of you take turns providing the movies? There’s nothing small about that.

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