We were two newlyweds just trying to get knocked up at the old fertility clinic. We got our wish! Family of two turned family of four; our IVF miracles were born October 2011. It's a wild, blessed ride!

Monday, September 6, 2010

thank you

I keep sitting down to write something. I sit down, I stare at my computer. My eyes well up, I try frantically to push the tears back because I can't stand even one more. My eyes burn and sting, they're so swollen they could pop. I try to think of something else, anything else, and then I leave this room that for some reason hurts more than any of the other rooms right now. When I'm here, I can't escape it. B finds me in here staring at the wall. He hugs me and asks what's wrong. I tell him nothing, because how do you explain that for the 3000th time you're thinking that you let them kill his baby?

I decided that this morning I needed to write. First for myself, to allow myself this much needed outlet, this thing that has pushed me through a tragedy or two before. Never something like this, but things that stung in their own way. But second, I needed to write for those people, the ones who took the courage to say that they're sorry for us- that they wish it was different, better. For the people who have tried to hug us, to hold us, to tell us that they're there. What unimaginable courage it takes to offer another human being support.

I'm weak. I fear that I'll say the wrong thing at every turn. Maybe it's because I've had the wrong thing said to me from time to time. That's why I understand those who can't comment, who can't say anything. I get that. And as I read through the comments from my last blog, each and every one of them touch me in a profound way. Everyone said exactly the right thing, something that gave me a little more strength. And as I talk to my parents, my family- I know how hard it is to know what to say. And yet they do, they muster up the courage to say what they're not sure will be the right thing. And it feels so warm. I could sit here for days, months; alone in my thoughts. Feeling desperate and confused. I would drown in them. I would suffocate in my own anger. But letting you all in, letting your words give me air was the best decision I could have made. And I want to say thank you.

I haven't heard from the doctor yet. I was hoping he would give us a call on Friday afternoon or evening when he got the report. And then I secretly hoped he'd be man enough to call over the weekend. Now I'm hoping that he didn't see the report so that I don't have another reason to hate him. I wonder if we'll hear from him tomorrow or if I'll need to call. They didn't schedule me for another blood test to monitor my HCG after this last MTX shot. They always need to do day 4 blood work and day 7. That'd be Tuesday and Friday. They also need to monitor my liver function since it's still been high, and a double dose can't be good for that. ... ... an unnecessary double dose. ... of the stuff that can be damaging to your liver. unnecessary.

I'm still not in a good place. I think bad thoughts too often. Guilty thoughts from time to time that even I know shouldn't be there. I know it's not my fault. I know that. But they creep in, that feeling that I knew. I should have said something. I could have done something. ...I know that's "wrong", but tell me what about this isn't "wrong"?

Also, I know some doctors. I have good friends who are doctors. And they're good people. I want to curse the entire profession right now- but I know that's wrong. There are good doctors out there who I need to trust again one day. I'm just in a bad place, and it feels better to blame the whole lot of them rather than ... well, myself. For picking this one. For listening to this one. For believing in him, for standing up for him, for giving him our entire world.

We'll have to decide what to do next at some point. We'll need to make plans for another round of IVF, or a laparoscopy, or just several thousand trips to Vegas. There will have to be large steps forward. We'll need to decide whether we stay with this "doctor" or go to another. Start all over trusting someone new. Putting all of our faith into someone else who hasn't proven anything to us. I'll be interested to see if Dr. Z shows any remorse. Maybe he would be extra cautious with us next time. Maybe he would tread lightly, feel fear for a wrong move. Maybe he'd do a free round? no. probably not. Maybe he won't care and we'll have to pull another name from a hat to see what happens.

But right now I still have something inside of me. I don't even know what to call it, what to say about it. I'm just waiting for it to "flush out" or something. Nothing's happened yet. Will I have to have a D & C? I'm guessing yes. Or will I have to see it myself? I honestly can't tell you what would be better. Oh f, not more tears. I can't do this right now. Not again.

50 comments:

I am still so shocked and sorry for you and wish there was something I could say more than this, but as you have already said, it is hard to know what to say and also no words will take away the pain you are feeling. But, however small these words may be, please know that I am thinking of you both so much right now and sending my love xx

I would blame him and everyone. I don't know how you are coping and managing right now. I am so upset for you. You are in my thoughts. I wish I could say something meaningful, something that will help or something that will turn the clock back for you. X

I'm so so sorry. There are no other words. I wish so much that I could make it better.

I was thinking about it, and decided that if I were you I'd eat the BIGGEST, GREENEST salad I've ever had in my life, then down a giant glass of OJ, and perhaps a few prenatals. I know that the damage is done, but I also know that the reason you aren't supposed to have anything with folic acid is because it interferes with the way MTX works. It would be my way of "sticking it" to the MTX -- even if it didn't change the outcome. It would be a way for me to take back a piece of control. I know it sounds silly, but I would enjoy the hell out of that salad.

I am in shock about what I have just read and what you are going through. I just want to say that I am sending you great big hugs if you want them. I hope you hear from that doctor tomorrow and that they have some sort of answer, an apology, a plan. I am so very sorry.

You might not feel it now but you are stronger than anyone I know. The perspective you have is deeper than I could ever hope for and you amaze me. The fact is that medicine includes a lot of deducting and yes in fact guessing and it is not just your doctor but all doctors that make mistakes regularily. Choosing to stay or leave your current clinic is such a difficult decision one and a very personal one too. I truly deserve that you deserve a free cycle and a phone call and I hope you get both. My husband always points out when we are waiting not so patiently at the clinic that if we were to keep our patients/students waiting like doctors, we wouldn't have a job anymore. You are absolutely right, you could not have done anything differently. You advocated for yourself as much as you could. Nobody would have done anything more than you did so do not question yourself.Take your time and give yourself a break. If this was anyone else in the blog community in the same situation you would surely know they couldn't have done anything else. I hope you are getting the support you need! Take care of yourself

It is amazing how much we can beat ourselves up over things we had no control over. Yes the mind knows we are not at fault, but damn that heart just takes so long to get to the same conclusion. I find that it is in these times when I need to hear over and over and over again that there is nothing I could have done differently. I did nothing WRONG.

And now, I am going to tell you--you did nothing WRONG. You didn't. You know that, but as I said, it sometimes takes the heart a while to get there, too.

For now, you are grieving, and grief just isn't a pretty emotion. It isn't even supposed to be. Be angry and rage against the world if you need to. Let yourself cry--there is healing in tears. Do whatever you feel the need to do.

Know that I am here sitting with you and sending love your way...today and always.

DO NOT be hard on yourself! YOU did NOT do this. I know where you are on the guilt. Of course you feel responsible...we all do when things like this happen. BUT, YOU ARE NOT! This was not anything that you could have "known better" about or just known. Hindsight is 20/20. Believe you me, I had MANY of these feelings after our loss. And I hated Dr.'s too. Still am never stepping foot back in my OB's office. So, yeah. PLEASE just know this is not your fault.

I wish I could say something to make this go away. All I know, is that I would call first thing Tuesday AM and DEMAND for him to call you back. You deserve that. I wouldn't wait all day. That will just drive you further insane. It's time that they start answering your questions and owning up to the fact that they've fucked up. Big time.

I wish that I had the words that could somehow make this right... that could make this situation different and the pain go away. In lieu of that, know that I am sending you love and hugs, and many continued prayers.

I am in the medical profession so I have some knowledge of doctors..I have seen them firsthand make mistakes, and the first thing the doctors I work with do is apologize. THAT is what you deserve. Mistakes happen, it doesn't mean he is a bad doctor, it means he is human. Everyone makes mistakes, unfortunately when a doctor makes a mistake a life can be lost. This DOES NOT mean that you don't have a right to be upset. You should be extremely upset, that will only teach him further and prevent him from ever making that same mistake again...your anger could save another baby. I think them giving you a free cycle is by no means out of line; they OWE you that. THEY "ended" this cycle, not you. If yout take the emotional aspect out they provided you with a service (at a high cost to you) and they made a mistake which made this very expensive service no good. It is just common sense.Take care sweetie. We are all rooting for you and thinking of you.

I am so, so profoundly sorry. This is such a f***ed up and unbearable thing for anyone to endure. Anything I can think to say feels pitifully inadequate, but I mean it with such intense genuineness when I say that I am keeping you close in my thoughts...

Oh sweetie, I just read both posts. I am so so very sorry. Do not blame yourself. You trusted your doctor. He owes you much more than a free cycle. There is a time and a place to discuss how horrible this man is, but I know you know, so I wont go into it here.

We all support you. We love you. We are so so sorry. And we hate him. Because it is truly all his fault. Not yours. Not yours at all.

I can't even begin to say what I feel here for you ... my heart breaks to read your news. I think that whatever you feel right now is justified ... and you sound remarkably composed. You have every right to rail against your doctor, and the universe. You have no responsibility for what happened here ... I hope you know that. *hugs* to you, and so much support ...

I am just in shock for you and can't even begin to comprehend the feelings you must be going through. My heart just breaks for you and I am pissed off too! I am sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way. (((HUGS)))

So sorry that this happened to you. I think you absolutely should push for a free cycle. It is the very least they can do. I know even that would be small comfort, since this baby could never be replaced, but you shouldn't have to deal with financial stress on top of the heartache.

I am so incredibly sorry, I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. My heart breaks for you and my blood boils thinking about that horrible dr. keeping you and your husband in my thoughts. <3 *HUGS*

I'm here from LCFA...so very, truly sorry for your loss. Writing, my blog and online support is what got me through losing my son last winter...I hope that you find this community lifting you up and letting you cry and outrage and anything else that feels right just in that moment.

Don't let logic rob you of your feelings. You have every right to be outraged, betrayed and anything else that bubbles up.

I'm heartbroken for you. "I'm sorry" doesn't begin to cut it, but I'm at a loss for other words. Whatever feelings you're having, you're completely entitled to them. I'm so angry on your behalf, and if there's anything I can do to be here for you in any way, please let me know.

I'm so freakin mad for you it isn't even funny. I'm with the gal who said do everything that counteracts the shot. I'm so sorry that you and DH have to go through this, and I'm hoping and praying that it still holds on and your hcg keeps rising and everything is ok. I hope your "doc" mans up and calls.

I am just visiting from LFCA. And wow, I am so so sorry you are going through this. I am with the other people who say your doctor deserves to compensate you in some way- though I know it will never make up for this baby. But, please, don't blame yourself. I am so so sorry.

Found your story from another bloggy friend. I have felt my own loss in our journey to having a family but I cannot even imagine what you are going through. As if the physical and emotional pain isn't bad enough, you also have to deal with the loss of trust with someone whose hands you put your future happiness in. There are no words to help the pain go away. I wish there were. You sound like you have enough character as well so when people tell you "it builds character and makes you stronger" I think it's safe to tell them to F@&$ off. You are in my thoughts and I hope your rollercoaster ride finally comes to an end and the level of debauchery on a future trip to Vegas is off the charts.

I saw your story of LFCA, and I had to stop by to share my horror and anger on your behalf. I am so incredibly sorry that this happened to you. I can't even think of a word to say beyond that. Just sorry.

You don't know me. This is my first time coming to your blog. I heard about your story on twitter and then came here to offer support. I am in shock that this could happen. I am so sorry. I wish there was something all of us could do to make this better. I am so angry for you.

I'm so very, very sorry. I did have an ectopic after IVF, and I really struggled with the mtx shot - even though I knew that the pregnancy wasn't viable, there was a part of me that kept thinking I was killing this baby - and my heart just aches for you. So very sorry.

Here via Twitter. I know nothing that I type here will make this any easier, but I wanted to type SOMETHING so that you know I'm here. My heart absolutely aches for you. Know that you have another person thinking about you both.

What a terrible situation! I'm so, so, so sorry you are going through this. Please, do not blame yourself. You put your trust in the hands of professionals, and nothing more can be expected. This is not your fault. Please, keep that in mind. *You* didn't do anything wrong.

Also here for the first time via twitter. I am so sorry for the truly heartbreaking situation you're in. I had the fear I did that with Misoprostol after a rushed (in my opinion) missed miscarriage diagnosis. It's so hard, but do your best not to second-guess yourself. You made the best decisions you could based on the information you had. There is little comfort to be had in this situation, but just know that your speaking out WILL help others be more aware of the need for caution around doctors who may press for quick decisions when you're not in the frame of mind to be able to fully think through them. Again, I'm incredibly sorry for your loss.

I'm new to your blog, found you through a friend on twitter. After reading your last couple of posts I couldn't leave without telling you that you're in my thoughts. What you're going through is awful and I'm sorry.

At the VERY least you should be getting further services at no charge. You have every right to be angry with this. Hugs to you.

Here from LFCA, all I can offer is that I'm sorry...I really wish there were more words to give to bring comfort, but I know in times of loss sometimes the only words you really need to hear are I'm sorry anyway. Sending thoughts of love & support your way ((hugs))

Here from LFCA. This is the first time I have read your blog..I obviously don't know you, but my heart is breaking for you like you are a friend of mine. I got chills and cried when reading what you are dealing with. I cannot imagine the hurt you are going through. You are in my thoughts!! ((HUGS))

About Me

I'm 28 years old. My incredible husband, B, is 29. We have a very entertaining cat, a beautiful home, and we work together at wonderfully stable jobs. It's a blessed life. Isn't it? Anything missing? ... We completed our first IVF cycle that ended in an ectopic scare and a miscarriage with a D&C. We're in our second round of IVF this time with ICSI. Transferred 2 blasts, 8 frosties...and we're pregnant with TWINS!!! Taking it One Day at a time...wishing and hoping!
The twins were born October 22, 2011 at 35w2d! They are doing fantastic and growing every day!