Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The PPP, bastions of all that is liberal and great and awesome and cool and peoplepowery has decided, once again, to aid the citizens of this great nation by shutting down Wine Shops and hitting out at NGOs.

Those in the higher echelons of the PPP have been dismayed by the growing influence of these dastardly illiberal and fundamentalist forces and have taken the first steps towards the promotion of democracy, tolerance and moderation. The repressive regime of President Musharaff, closet right-wing fascist homo, had by design, allowed the establishment of several ‘Wine Shops’ selling locally brewed alcoholic drinks in order to promote intolerance. As is well known, these drinks have been proven to cause a sudden change in the fragile minds of young people and cause them to leave everything and go on Jihad; in a famous control-tested experiment researchers at Quaid-e-Azam University, Islamabad, supplied copious amounts of Murree Beer to the strapping enlightened moderate Zia-ul-Haq and let him lose – Zia blinded by the booze headed towards the far-right like a drunk sailor chasing a pair of breasts on shore leave.

President Musharraf’s actions have angered liberals who believe that the President's decision to allow the average urban citizen to make up his own mind regarding alcohol is a violation of fundamental rights. Constitutional experts too agree with this assertion and find the opening of wine shops offering safe and affordable alcohol to the urban middle classes as an affront to the sacred constitutional parchment:

“Thou shall pay Rs. 500 for a can of smuggled Heineken and if thou cannot afford such a can, thou shall buy moonshine from a gangster in Korangi and die before the morning sun.”

The PPP spokesman and noted libertarian Ijaz Bijrani (MNA) commented that “This is the first step in the establishment of a true democracy. For eight years General Mushrraf has been playing God, limiting oil supplies, raising food prices and allowing any right wing nut job the opportunity to enjoy an ice-cold bottle of Murree for only Rs.140. We will bring down the price of oil, we will bring down the price of foods and we will once again ensure that only the truly chaste, like me, are allowed to sip down a Rs. 6000 bottle of whiskey bought with tax payer’s money.”

In his magnus opus, "Tainted Love: An Ontological Evaluation of Unrequited Love Between A Man and his Goat", noted liberal scholar Betullah Mehsud writes “Mushrraf’s undemocratic activities have allowed these fanatic drunkards to roam about freely and ruin the sanctity of this nation, corrupting its very core and morally bankrupting the national conscience through the degradation of women and support of militancy. The most telling example of this has been the establishment of an NGO at every street corner. These NGOs are nothing but a front for extreme right-wing elements and serve as recruiting centres for Jihadi outfits. War Against Rape, The Children’s Foundation, Aurat Foundation, etc., have been carrying on their nefarious activities as though they are guardians of this land. This is a complot against the liberal forces that are desperately attempting to guide the country towards a better tomorrow. We must allow these liberal forces to succeed so that one day we too will be able to walk proudly with Mullah Umar and his libertarian revolutionaries.”

In a recent interview the brilliant mind of Prof. Mehsud guides us on a new path. He states that "in order to clear my mind from the stresses of modern life, I have recently taken up cave dwelling and I can't impress on people the wonders of modern cave living. It is so much more peaceful than the constant hustle, bustle and bombing of downtown South Waziristan. I am a changed man. I feel like dancing in the moonlight..."

The prophetic words of Prof. Mehsud have not gone unheard. Government officials congratulated him for the meticulous research and assured the public that actions would soon be taken to purge this nation of NGO scum. As the government mulls over 'accountability of NGOs' a Zardari House insider stated that “ Zardari House may be moving to a cave near you but that doesn't mean we have forgotten what the people of this country really want. We have struck a telling blow on these fascists by going after the juggernaut and shutting down their wine shops. We, as a party, do not believe in leaving things half done and will complete the job by going after Musharraf's army of drunkards who set up countless NGO. We champion cheap political populism and will leave no stone unturned in our quest for instant political rewards. In order to achieve this Mr. Zardari has decided to get his hands dirty and will personally be going over the accounts and records of NGOs; this way he will know exactly who to harass. We've playing blind for too long.”

The libertarian hero Mullah Omar took a sip from the cold can of Bud (U.S. Army surplus) in his hand and smiled as he gazed at the setting sun. A glorious tomorrow awaits this freedom-lover.

good to have you back, prince of darkness. you have been missed. i'm sending this post to my pakistani econ professor, who things too many smart young pakistanis are cynical and tainted. this show him how completely wrong he is.

since you probably check this more than your email: i'm coming back on the 15th. you better be at the airport with roses and such