What a concept. A messaging application through which you can send friends—and, well, really anyone you technically want—photos, videos and drawings that disappear in as little as one second and as much as 24 hours.

This is where we’re at, people. This is the most fascinating thing in our pathetic, meaningless lives: an unnecessary shred of reality called “Snapchat” that resides on our mobile devices. If we’re out, or something at all happens in our lives, we have to document it for our “friends” in a Snapchat story.

Boy, are we pathetic.

Let’s not get into why we’re probably the most distracted, unappreciative generation ever created. Let’s focus on what Snapchat users are doing right.

I call these the five Snapchat photos you should definitely keep sending:

The On-The-Toilet Special Yep. You take a lot of dumps throughout the day. And what’s a trip to the bathroom without your closest companion: your cellphone. Some people peruse Twitter or various news sites while pushing out yesterday’s Mexican fiesta. But you? You’re a creator. You’re an innovator. Snaps of your pants at your ankles or your facial expression while on the toilet really showcase who you are as a person. And that identity? It’s that of a [bleep]ing loser. Keep doing you, Archimedes.

The Gym Selfie in the Mirror You work out. Well, let me rephrase that. You stand near the rack of dumbbells inside a fitness center every once in a while. There’s still no evidence you’ve actually ever done a single rep of anything whatsoever, but your Snapchat game is on point. A quick flex or a sly glance at the camera as you snap a pic of yourself? Brilliant. Every girl you sent that to? Yeah, her pants just flew off her body. Get a life, you [bleep]ing toolbox.

The Couch Filterer Snapchat just released a plethora of new filters that allow you to easily embody a demon, a 97-year-old version of yourself and a rainbow-puking weirdo, among others. But you? You gotta try ‘em all … on your couch after work for three hours without moving an inch. Before you even realize, you have posted nine 10-second videos of yourself as “Stories." Who needs friends when you have … make believe and a forward-facing camera, I guess? Whatever makes you happy.

The “Hey, Look, I Went To A Concert” Goer The music just speaks to you. I mean, what other explanation would you have for posting 24 videos—while also sending them directly to everyone you are friends with—of various live songs from a Bruno Mars concert? Your obsession must trickle down to everyone you know, too. That’s obvious. Your 109th row seats are no match for the insanity that you’re passing along to everyone. Horizontal video of “The Lazy Song”, “Just the Way You Are” and “When I Was Your Man”? You should be getting paid for this. We’re all really impressed with your blurry, cellphone shots. Keep ‘em coming.

The “This Is What I’m Currently Holding” User Living in the moment isn’t your “thang.” Being able to appreciate a fun circumstance is bush league. When you’re holding a Starbucks latte? Or tickets to a Broadway show? Or, like, your friend’s baby? Photos must follow. Because, hey … you’re insecure. And you need to show people that your life has some figment of a purpose. So point the camera at your hand and … snap. That’s currently what you’re holding! What a fun life you live every day.

Yep. I’m an asshole. But not as much of an asshole as the people who think their lives are taken seriously by what they post on [bleep]ing Snapchat. What did I leave off this list? Tweet to me @theseanwow and we’ll laugh together. Now that’s a “story.”

Sean Ely is “The Social Media Pessimist” and RedEye’s video editor and comedy writer. Check out his original series on YouTube at www.youtube.com/socialmediapessimist