...BUT I'M FASHIONABLY FAT ...

(Uncle Bob swaggers into the room, turns the computer monitor on, gets this far and stares at the monitor in the dark.)

So, uhhh...hey.

What's up??

Good...good...

Ummmmm...oh yeah... so yesterday, this lady comes by that's in charge of this fashion show that I'm going to be in in about two weeks.

Hell...it's two weeks from today.

Anyway ... she comes by the office to get my measurements for clothes.

She almost FREAKED when she saw how much weight I'd gained.

Her exact quote??

"Oh my."

Now then ... I KNOW I've gained weight since my wife said she was pregnant. It's no big secret to you guys or to people in my real life.

But to say "Oh My" when you're looking at me ... that's a little harsh.

It was like she was looking at a deformed dog or something. A dog with a leg coming out its jaw.

"Oh my".

It didn't exactly hurt my feelings. But it was kinda ... funny, really.

The cool thing is ... and just like Oprah, I've proven this to myself, time and time again ... I can lose weight quickly if I put my mind to it.

Of course...I can't shed 40 lbs in two weeks, which is kinda what this lady wanted.

I told her I could possibly wear a muu-muu.

I wouldn't object to that.

She balked at the idea.

Finally, we decided that I would donate some clothes to the cause and people could then buy UNCLE BOB'S wardrobe after the fashion show.

On Ebay, my clothes would go for thousands.

I'll be lucky to get ten bucks for my wardrobe after the fashion show.

The real world sucks shit.

And I AIN'T talkin' 'bout the MTV show either.

********************************************

I kinda got a little bit of sweet revenge yesterday.

As some of you may remember, I had the world's WORST cable service this summer for about a month from Knology cable services. They screwed up my phone, my TV and my internet service horribly. After three weeks with them, I lost my patience, cancelled the services and went back to my old cable, internet and phone providers.

So yesterday, a Knology salesman shows up at my door, wanting to switch me over to Knology.

What do YOU think your Uncle Bob did??

Did he:

A) Listen politely to everything the salesman had to offer and weigh the pros and cons of the services he was currently enjoying against the services that this young man was promoting?

B) Switch over to Knology, giving them a second chance to win his affections and to receive a handsome refrigerator magnet?

C) Bitch that motherfucker out on his front porch until the nervous little son of a bitch started to cry and ran away?

If you said "C", you're so on the money, we can call you Regis.

I didn't exactly bitch him out. I did tell him his services were "nightmares" and that we had trouble nearly every day with his crappy TV, internet and phone hookups.

Updates from your favorite Uncle are going to be spotty at best this weekend.

With the recent decision to chase the Spicolis to Atlanta on Saturday night, my sleep patterns are going to be severely adjusted.

So ... don't count on updates by 7 a.m. I WILL update ... just probably later in the day.

We're driving back from Atlanta after the show on Saturday. It's a 2.5 hour drive and the show probably won't be finished until 2 a.m.

Then I've got church on Sunday and a baby shower Sunday afternoon given for us.

So's ... I gots a lots on my plate, babe.

Found out yesterday that I'm going to be driving two of the biggest party animals in the history of parties to Atlanta and back Saturday.

Jamie, my co-worker .... ummmmm...he gets a bit silly when he drinks. And he drinks every day.

Then there's K.J., king of the jungle in his mind. K.J. is a funny, wack mofo that cracks my ass UP. His humor is soooo dry and the stuff that comes out his mouth just slays me.

He calls girl's asses "turdcutters".

"Check out the turdcutter on THAT one."

Stuff like that.

I've made it quite clear to these two ... NO STRIP CLUBS!

Last summer, Jamie, Mattie Gee and I went to Pensacola, Florida to cover a music fest for the newspaper.

Backstage passes ... the whole nine yards.

We got to Pensacola before the festival opened, so we slipped into a strip bar at 11 a.m. for a beer and some boobies before we went into the festival.

We NEVER made it to the festival.

We stayed in that bar for 13 hours and spent close to $1,000 between the three of us.

I dunno about the other two, but I learned a painful lesson that day ... never go to a strip bar with these guys.

**********************************

We're SUPPOSED to be getting parts of a cold front mixing with a tropical depression from the Gulf of Mexico today, which is SUPPOSED to produce (in the local weatherman's words...) "some fucked-up weather" today.

Right now...the sky is black and ominous.

Then again...it's 5:30 in the morning and doesn't get light here til about 6:15.

Still...it's creepy.

I looooove a good storm.

***************************************

I had a dream last night that I was masturbating in a hotel room bed and three gorgeous women were dancing around the bed naked. And when I reached my orgasm, it was like squirting an entire bottle of suntan lotion all over my tummy.

Now then ... how fucked up is that when I can't even get laid in my dreams and have to whack it?

Note to self: Next time three naked women are dancing around my bed, CONVINCE myself it's a dream and it's okay to sex 'em up.