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What if… Bruce Wayne decided a hedgehog was more terrifying than a bat?

Actually…

What if… Storm got pregnant in her prime?

Ummm… not so much

What if… Luigi & Princess Toadstool made a mushroom together behind Mario’s back?

Poor Mario, never saw it coming.

What if… the Flash had a fetish for flashing in public? And how could you prove it?

I guess speed and size DO go hand in hand.

These are the kinds of hard-hitting questions that often occupy the inner sanctums of my mind along with other preponderances such as: the meaning of life, the existence of aliens, and exactly what did Katy Perry see in Russell Brand?

While others stay busy finding the cure for cancer and trying to establish world peace, you can rest assured in knowing I’m here tackling the questions no know else dares to ask.

What if… the screen showed nothing but the color purple?

‘What If’ is a new segment for the blog where I’m going to raise these questions to all my fellow outlaws. Made famous by the likes of Marvel’s ‘What if’ comic and Professor Farnsworth’s What-If Machine episodes in Futurama, my hope is that my version – coincidentally of similar name – will raise some good ol’ fashion debate along with some intriguing insight into the creative minds of all three of my subscribers.

So without further delay, let’s get started shall we?

“What if… YOU could hire a hero?”

Imagine it… you are the mayor of a major metropolitan city. If you want to think bigger, pretend you are the governor of a major state in the union. (And no, not the ‘Austrian, killer-robot-from-the-future, that has relations with illegal immigrants’ type.)

Alas you have been given the go ahead by the voting public via Prop 32 to hire a hero for your city (or jurisdiction) and despite the input from staff, friends, family, rabbi, and your local comic book guy, the final decision falls in your lap. Think of it as a superhero-like reality show… if superheroes were a reality.

Worst… What If… Ever.

Now, there are a couple quick guidelines: (you didn’t think I was just going to let you choose whatever you wanted willy-nilly did you?)

1) One ‘Hero’ (& Heroine) to rule them all –
Simple: You don’t get to pick groups. As a whole, you can’t choose the Avengers, Ninja Turtles, X-Men, Aquabatsor any other crime-fighting groups in general. However, you do have my permission to choose an individual from a group. So you are more than welcome to pick Scooby-Doo… just not Scrappy and the rest of the gang. Also, due to government mandated laws (damn political correctness!) you can choose one male and one female to keep on the payroll.

2) A Villains Verse –
In your parallel universe, it will be important to take into account that your hero is not going to be limited to only their arch-nemesis from their own timeline – meaning there is the potential for your chosen one(s) to face evil super baddies from all walks of pop-culture. (Ex: Before you pick Hermione as your city’s savior, remember she may have to face the likes of Darth Vader at some point… so put SOME thought into it.)

3) By the Power of Greyskull… have a power (or something!) –
This is kind of a biggie. You will most likely want to pick someone who has legitimate super powers and/or abilities (Yoda, Cyclops, Bender Bending Rodriquez) or someone that has enough cash to build pretty much anything they want (Stark, Wayne, Bieber). While I love Ace Ventura as much as the next guy, unless Magneto loses his puppy, your city is screwed.

NEXT!

So now that we have set the rules for Hero Club, I’ll throw out a few candidates from various media categories that I would consider with a few pros and cons to mull over.

PRO: He’s quick, has a three-second waning system (aka Spidey Sense), can climb walls, has super sticky web he can swing with (among countless other things), and can deliver one-line zingers like nobody’s business.

CON: He’s a teenager with A LOT of hormones. When you have hotties like Gwen Stacey, Mary Jane, and Felicia Hardy lining up for a piece of you, it’s easy to get distracted from your responsibilities like, say… saving the world.

I don’t care how responsible you are… this might cause a lack of focus.

Wonder Woman (Diana Prince): For me this is a no-brainer since I’m a pretty patriotic guy

PRO: She’s hot! She looks great in a tight flag-based costume and not only is she close to invincible, she has a ton of super powers making her a sort of female Superwoman… only hotter. Did I mention she was hot?

CON: Personally, as mayor, I would probably not get much work done whenever she came to visit the office.

Unfortunately, there’s no room in the budget to pay you, but…

One letter less in his name, and he would have been a Cooking star on FOX.

Master Chief: Probably one of the most well-known and most played video game bad-asses of all time.

PRO: The HALO vet can almost single-handedly bring down alien invasions and save human kind without breaking much of a sweat. He is military grade at its finest, can handle and operate almost any weapon known to man, and will sacrifice himself without hesitation.

CON: Unfortunately, his actions are based mostly on that of 13-year olds moving him around virtual worlds with controllers and cheat codes. How he handles life without virtual command is still to be determined.

Lara Croft: One of my first memories of wishing pixels could be a thing of reality.

PROS: Have you seen her guns? She definitely knows how to use them, and she’s quite the nimble little minx. This female Indy doesn’t necessarily have ‘super’ powers, but when you combine that English accent with that tight tank top and skimpy shorts, she could cast a spell on almost any baddy.

CONS: Again, no super powers, and despite the fact she can shoot pistols and back-flip with the flexibility of an adult movie star, this would be an eye-candy only hiring… not that there’s anything WRONG with that.

If she came to me needing a job, I don’t think I could say no. (Pictured: Alison Carroll)

You ARE the ONLY Dumbledore Mr. Harris… you will be missed.

Albus Dumbledore: Bet you didn’t see this one coming! He was my favorite character from the Potter books, and for good reason.

PROS: Before Harry defeated you know who, Dumbledore was “the guy” whom protected both the wizarding and human worlds from big V. He was kind, gentle, wise, and had enough magical powers to make even the new Green Lantern watchable… well almost watchable. Dumbledore was my grandpa who could cast spells.

CONS: At over 100 years old, Albus would be a bit slow in his step. While all powerful, if his reflexes aren’t what they used to be, your city might be in deep troll doo-doo.

Who Me? No… I didn’t say you couldn’t have the job!

Katniss Everdeen: She is a new love affair of mine, and suffice it to say, if she were just a few years older, she might be my perfect woman.

PROS: What she lacks in powers, she makes up for in intelligence, endurance, hotness, and the ability to survive off the land. Not to mention she would make Robin Hood think twice about entering an archery fight to the death.

CONS: Again, I’m thinking lack of powers would be her down fall. However, unlike Laura Croft, I think Katniss would survive an apocalypse much better than the spoiled British babe with the large, ummm… bank rolls.

Thor: He’s a God, and “when someone asks you if you’re a god you say, YES” (God I LOVE that line!)

PROS: Yes, he is a hammer-wielding god associated with thunder, lightning, storms, oak trees, strength, the protection of mankind, and also hallowing, healing, and fertility. However, most importantly, he is a hunk of sculpted man that the women swoon over. If you want to keep the ladies in your city, then having a beefcake fight crime with a huge hammer (named Mjolner) should do the trick.

CONS: While he has big muscles and a large hammer (innuendo intended) Thor is not usually known as the brightest of heroes. Combine that with the fact if he loses his hammer for more than a minute and hes a Joe six-pack again, you might want to think about having that thing surgically attached to his hand. Kinda how all other men are attached to their own hammers as well (innuendo also intended.)

Hey ladies, would you like to hold my hammer? I knew you would…

Just so you know, I’m not a HUGE pervert and the innuendo is written into the comics as well.

Optimus Prime: The legendary Autobot leader has been a part of my life since childhood so he must be considered.

PROS: Well the obvious advantage is you are getting a 2 for 1 deal here. Ten-story tall robot warrior AND a big rig for hauling materials during city projects. Prime finds all life forms sacred, but will kick ass when needed. As long as he has Peter Cullen’s voice, it doesn’t matter what gen he is… when he talks, you listen.

CONS: Did I mention he is a 10 story tall robot? While major baddies will think twice before messing with your city, the sure size of Prime ensures destruction even if he is just pursuing a purse snatcher. All I’m saying is, your city might need Energon insurance.

See that city in the background… not a write-off.

Hot Nerd Girl:

PROS: Believe it or not, Hot Nerd Girl can kick some serious arse… and as an added bonus, she looks great doing it! (Kicking arse that is.) Not to mention she can write a mean blog, so technically you can have her write press releases for the city as well. Double bonus!

CONS: I would never hire my NBFF (Nerd Best Friend Forever) for such a dangerous job that put her life at risk on an hourly basis. I’d leave that stuff to the crazy and brave part of the population that enjoys wearing brightly colored tights while quipping sarcasm at evil-doers.

Oh yeah… I know her!

So fellow geeks, your mission should you choose to accept it – and you better – is to pick a male hero and female heroine to protect your population from all the forces of ‘up-to-no-good’ that could potentially be thrown it’s way. This message will never self destruct… I need the web traffic.

Anyways, whom would you hire and why? (Of course you aren’t limited to my brilliant list of suggestions, the sky’s the limit!)

As the knight and protector of the Holy Grail in one Last Crusade once advised: “Choose… wisely”.

@hotnerdgirl Alright, but you’ll have to sign a waiver that releases me from any liability if you get squashed by Mr. Stay Puft 😉 (Also, you there needs to be a clause that I get all of your Star Trek collectibles)

She-Ra is a good one… although Thor and her might hit it off TOO well and be too busy ‘getting to know each other better’ rather than protecting the innocent, hehe.

I’d have to vote Wade Wilson/Deadpool as my dude, mainly because he could defeat enemies simply by wisecracking them to death.For the girl, I’d go with Kitty Pryde, because she can phase shift through danger, then attack them from behind. Or, she could do what she did to Juggernaut in the movie and half pull them into the ground and leave them there.

@fatjesusoz Love your choice of Deadpool… I’m actually a fan of Wade’s. His personality is like a much edgier version of Parkers. I love a hero that can wisecrack with the best of them.

Kitty Pryde is an interesting choice. She has that innocent, but kick-ass-out-of-no-where quality about her that would surprise most baddies who weren’t prepared for what she had to bring to the table.

Since high fantasy has come into play, Kylar Stern of the Night Angel Trilogy. Which is an amazing trilogy and Brent Week’s first works. however.. I’m not going to spoil the series for the readers. If they want to know why, they now have to read it.

Female, to keep it balanced, you say? Margerie of the Noble Dead Saga. Dhamphir, half-human, half-vampire. Unfortunately I’ve only read the first three books, but suffice to say she is a total badass. Her half-vampire nature only comes out in the presence of vampires, so that’s a downside, but she can be revived with an amulet she carries+her ability to drink blood. And as I’ve read further, her powers only keep growing.

Irony: Both characters backgrounds are that they have been hired for multiple jobs before. It’s not like it’s a new deal for them. Runners up would be… Roland Deschain of the Dark Tower Series (sorry, Gunslinger, but Kylar has an edge on you), Thor, Deadpool, Dante (Devil May Cry), and Leesil (Margerie’s half-human, half-elf partner in the Noble Dead series). And yes, they’re all tied.

Females.. Clare of the anime series “Claymore” for being totally badass, Rogue, followed by Rayne (Bloodrayne.. another Dhamphir, and one prone to innuendos), and Trish (Devil May Cry). As you can see.. I had to throw runners up out there, ’cause.. well, let’s face it. Limiting it to one was fracken hard!

@Shadowstrider Wow! In a matter of 4 paragraphs you made me feel illiterate! I apparently have some major reading to catch up on… specifically the Dark Towers series!

I must say that you seem well qualified to be mayor should the need for hiring superheroes be a prerequisite.

While I’m confident I could make a rational and intelligent decision for the male hero, unfortunately my male DNA would take over and probably make the female hero decision for me based on skimpiest costume.

@geekoutlaw Wellll.. I didn’t quite mention it, but Rayne (BloodRayne Series) and Trish (Devil May Cry series) aren’t exactly overly clothed. Not that their outfits are skimpy.. just really tight-fitting and attribute defining. And Clare’s (Claymore anime) is also pretty tight-fitting. Margerie’s is more practical, and Rogue is well.. Rogue. She can’t exactly expose a lot of skin.

Of course, this being said, I still opted for the modest, practical one with a kickass skill set. Of course, Rayne has mostly the same abilities.. but also more limitations with hers (ie, sunlight still burns somewhat). And Clare’s nature… Well, not to spoil Claymore, but she’s not always 100% in control of her powers. (Awesome anime, btw, got a lot of violence and strong female characters — not a combo you see often).

Then again, I wasn’t LOOKING at pictures of them either. That simplifies the use of logic. Though, again.. eye candy is never bad.