4/26 Total Divas: Rusev and Lana’s wedding in Bulgaria, Nikki turns down “Dancing With the Stars,” Eva talks about food with her dad

By Sarah K., PWTorch contributor

So, it’s Bulgaria wedding time, Eva has a moment with her dad, and we have to pretend to care about Nikki Bella and her comeback – be it wrestling or “Dancing With The Stars.”

The show starts at the Teen Choice Awards. Nikki is interviewed on whatever color carpet there is; she blathers on about this comeback. Meanwhile, Lana and Rusev arrive in Bulgaria. Lana and Rusev bicker over the formal details of who is the Best Man / Maid of Honor. Elsewhere in the ever-changing never-ending 11 minute long opening segment, Eva Marie is with her dad, who just had knee replacement surgery. Eva bickers with her father over food. He just wants a burger and fries; she thinks he should go on a health kick. Back to Bulgaria, Lana and Rusev continue to argue about the Maid of Honor / Best Man situation. In Bulgaria it’s apparently all about the traditions and following the rules. The MOH is always the wife of the best man.

Ugh, it’s a Bella twins photo shoot from last summer. This is so old that they don’t bother to mention what magazine it’s for. This is also the preview clip from YouTube. Nikki gets an email from “Dancing With The Stars.” Ooh, ooh, “Two platforms to talk about my broken neck” – because that’s been so damned interesting… not.

Back to Eva and her family. They’re having a big dinner. So, Eva throws away all the leftovers because she’s going to teach her dad to eat healthy. I’m somewhat amazed this didn’t involve a screaming match. Next up: The other preview clip from YouTube where Lana gets Baptized at the Greek Orthodox Church, and apparently Rusev under-explained the procedure or how ridiculous it was. Lana is clearly uncomfortable. I recall being baptized at the age of nine; the Methodist church is apparently less invested in wasting the expensive holy water… and while I’m familiar with various forms of baptism, from churches that have pools to people that do it at a lake, this was a tad over involved and repetitive.

Next up at the baptism, it apparently involves hair cutting. This is a solid no for Lana despite everyone telling her to just go with it. Ugh, Bella Twins talking about whether or not Nikki will go back to wrestling or DWTS. Brie wants her to do DWTS. Back to Bulgaria, Lana is pissed that Rusev has under-explained the proceedings. Rusev is less than understanding. Lana’s mom tries to smooth things out. Rusev comes in and makes a joke about going down to the river; it’s not quite apparent that it’s a joke. Moving on to Eva’s family, she’s going to make her dad a vegetarian superfood shake. Her brother arrives with a baby. The brother describes the shake as something that smells like “lawn.” Generally, when someone has a health situation, it’s best to let them make their own decisions about food based on advice they’ve gotten from their doctor.

Meanwhile, Nattie, Naomi, and Jon arrive in Bulgaria. Both Nattie and Naomi are under the assumption that they’re bridesmaids. Back to Eva. She’s now on a quest to see if her dad is smoking. Her husband Jonathon asks, “What if you find his porn stash?” as they are searching through her parent’s bedroom. Cut to commercial.

Lana meets Nattie in a hotel. She dishes all the stuff about the baptism and Rusev being a Groomzilla about the traditions. Nattie does her best to calm things down. Back to Eva. While walking the dogs she and Jonathon (who is wearing a shirt with Eva on it) have a heart-to-heart about Eva being a little too pushy with the health nut stuff. Onto Nikki and John. Nikki has gotten DWTS, and she also wants to go back to wrestling – er – sports entertaining. John’s angle is that she can do one or the other but not both. While we all know she inevitably chose wrestling, it would have been much more entertaining if she’d chosen DWTS. Yes, seriously, I mean that. She’s not the reincarnation of Randy Savage or the second coming of Shawn Michaels. The prospect of her on DWTS is so much more interesting than another one of her passable matches.

Back from commercial, Nattie gives a toast at a table with Lana, Rusev, Naomi, and Jon. Rusev has gotten everyone costumes for some event that is to take place the following day. All the girls put on the costumes and do a little dancing. Elsewhere, Eva and her dad are outside having a little moment where she’s going to cry while beseeching her father to retire. “Every day’s a better day,” says her dad.

“I like Bulgarian traditions, I just don’t like to be violated,” Lana says to Rusev at the dinner table. Rusev and Lana go off to chat about the situation. Rusev then elaborates on the tradition with the best man / maid of honor. It doesn’t exactly end well. Apparently the reason that the best man’s wife is to be the maid of honor is because a couple that is already married is to lead the newlyweds by example. Lana interprets this as meaning that Rusev’s bestie will then be handing down decrees about anything and everything and it will always favor Rusev over her. Perhaps this is why in the modern world statistically the fastest growing religious classification is atheists / non-believers. There are virtually no major religions that treat men and women as equals (yes, ironically, I just read an article about that).

Back from commercial, Nattie and Lana are having a heart-to-heart about the argument yesterday and how she understands that Lana feels like she’s not in control and how she needs to let that go. Nattie thinks she needs to just surrender to the circumstances. She makes Lana go out on the balcony and scream “I surrender!” Okay. Then we’re at an outdoor cafe with Nikki and Brie. Nikki’s going to call her agent about DWTS. Her agent needs an answer about whether or not she’s going to do it. Cut to commercial.

Nikki chooses to pass on DWTS. This was a stupid decision. You can hear it in her agent’s voice saying “okay.” Her agent “completely respects” her decision, except for the tone of his voice which is indicating: You are a god damned idiot. Nikki blathers on about her status as a WWE Superstar. SMH.

Back to Bulgaria, Lana is just going to go with it as it pertains to the wedding traditions. There’s something about hiding a shoe and negotiating a price. Rusev arrives with a bottle of alcohol. Rusev knocks on the door saying “I want my wife.” Nattie demands money (as is the tradition). She gets the money. Rusev finds the shoe. Lana and Rusev have a private moment where Lana apologizes for having feelings, basically… Someone probably should’ve gotten her a book that elaborately explains Bulgarian wedding traditions, and then none of this would have seemed like an unwelcome surprise.

Anyway, we proceed with the wedding. Lana has a very fancy white dress with a long veil. The bridesmaids (?) are all wearing gold dresses. A crown falls off Lana’s head. The ceremony is actually very quick. Lana is nervous about actually throwing a dove. The dove looks uneasy. Doves are released. Everyone is overjoyed. Then there is dancing and cake. Everyone is happy, all is well. Lana and Rusev are married again.

Next week on Total Divas: Maryse wants some intimate attention from Miz, Nikki Bella needs a new finishing move, and Nattie is getting her cat an agent.