United players consumed by pitch

The Onion Bag can exclusively reveal that the players left out of the team Manchester United team by Sir Alex Ferguson ahead of their FA Cup defeat to Everton have been swallowed up by the Wembley pitch.

Subsumed

Wayne Rooney, Edwin van der Saar and Cristiano Ronaldo are all reported to be lost beneath the grass, struggling to breath and late for a number of important sponsor events.

The emergency services have been called out to try and rescue the players before they suffocate. However, all attempts have failed. Two fire engines and a St John's Ambulance have been sucked into the Wembley quagmire. So too have two policemen who were sent in to "pacify" the all consuming pitch. Their attempts were hindered by the large amount of videos and files marked "Confidential: Do Not Show To IPCC".

Pit

There have been many warnings about how dangerous the pitch at the new national stadium has become. Only last Saturday, the other FA Cup losing manager Arsenal's Arsene Wenger complained that the pitch was a "disaster". "I don't think we lost because of it," he said "But a number of my players got their boots stuck in the pitch and had to pull themselves free before sinking altogether. Adebayor had to abandon his scoring boots in case he got sucked in. He shouldn't have bothered."

A Wembley spokesman tried to play down the problem by claiming that the missing players "Probably wouldn't have made a difference to the result" and that "Only Ronaldo's any good, the other two are under rated so it's no great loss really is it?"

Zinger

Meanwhile, the Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak is on the trail of the suppliers of the hallowed Wembley turf. He tracked them down to a moss peat supplier in Croydon. However, when he went to visit them at their shop, it had disappeared leaving a hole in the shape of a flying saucer or flattened rugby ball. A fried chicken emporium is opening there soon.