9.26.2011

Everybody's Changing

I was reading through some of my old blogs the other day, and I had to fight the urge to delete or edit a handful of posts. I imagine that's something that many bloggers struggle with, especially for those who blog about personal issues, points of view, etc. I used to feel the same way when reading old diary entries. (It's not as though anyone else is reading my diary, but I sometimes want to edit whatever is out there that could possibly represent who I am.) Perhaps it is a pitfall of anything written that at some point you may want to rescind, edit, restate, etc. And while I can understand that this may be the very reason some choose not to commit anything in writing, I think there can be so much value in what may be the most viable tool for objectively evaluating who we were and how we thought.

Trust, I read some of my old posts and think, "Oh, Natty. Oh, dear Natty. You so stupid." And I'm sure I'm not the only one who reacts in this way. (Honestly, I hope I'm not the only one who reacts this way.) Some much bitterness, cynicism, misguided ideas about love and relationships in general...it almost feels like reading someone else's words. Really. It's the craziest thing.

And while I do feel tempted to bask in the silly smugness of "maturity," I have to remember that I was, at that time, thinking the very same thing about even older posts/entries as I penned some of the posts to which I am now referring. In retrospect, everything may seem naive and immature. If we're on the right track, we become wiser as we age. And part of that wisdom, I believe, includes recognizing mistakes and ill-advised beliefs of our youth (and by "youth,"I mean anything of the past...there is no expiration on youth), repenting and moving beyond them with our eyes affixed intently on the Lord. Studying the Word and understanding the relativity of time, I personally feel so liberated to know that I cannot attain any sense of absolute, final maturity. There is no point at which all lessons are learned, mistakes cease, beliefs and thoughts are exclusively virtuous. That's why we need God! To know that we can pursue Him (as he pursues us) and strive to live by His truths in response to His grace and love (not to earn either, of course) is a path I can joyfully get on board with.

Regardless of what is written (including edits, addendums, etc.), we are known fully by the only one by whom it matters to be known. Look to snapshots of the past as humbling reminders of grace and opportunities to reflect on your own behaviors and beliefs. Because you have to know that years down the road, you'll be looking back on this very season with some scoffs, some tears and some giggles.

5 comments:

Bravo, Natalie. Life is the whole journey, yet I really see you coming into your own. How our lives change when we truly trust God. Can't help but think how grown up your Mom thought you were(i.e. independent) and yet I know how proud she would be now.

I'm glad you still have your older blogs/posts to read so you can see how far you've come.

None of this is to say that I haven't always been proud of you, it's just great to see where you are in life and happy you are still writing.

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