“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”

Unemployed

Now I’m not writing this post knocking my boy Stevie J. I respect him as a real artist who can definitely play an multitude of instruments.

Stevie and I share a couple of qualities. He is a Scorpio like myself who is hungry to be better then he was yesterday. He makes a gazillion mistakes on a daily basis but he makes up for it by trying to come out stronger and better. Watching the show, you see he gets into many Entrepreneurial endeavors. This includes partnering up with Benzino to open a restaurant and having a pre-workout supplement called “Danger Zone” that’s for sale right now. I plan on giving it a try once my money becomes a bit more stable.

I love to work out and I am inspired by him to get my body even tighter than it was at my peak. First I’m going to be doing the “Insanity” workout to drop some weight. Next it will be the muscle gain. I hope to follow at least in those footsteps of his with the exercise and hustle. On the other hand, we also have a bad habit of attracting not so nice women into our lives.

Joseline you could see was trouble from the start. She got with him while he was in a relationship with his baby mother Mimi. They denied any claims of being together even with all the excessive flirting and inappropriate things they were doing in the public and behind closed doors. During the course of their union, he played with her and she played back doing inexcusable things. Current news is she is supposed to be pregnant with his baby on the show. I do not think she was actually pregnant regardless of what was shown on the opening episode. I think it was all fake right along with Beyoncé s pregnancy with Blue Ivy but that’s for another post.

Now here’s where we differ…

I was binge watching the older seasons of the show before it came back on last night and I couldn’t help but notice how bad he is with women. This dude is not loyal at all! First there was Mimi, a baby mama to one of his daughters whose also a 20 year friend. He bought a family home for the 3 of them to live in the suburbs. As a music producer, he did most of his work in the studio in the city area where he also acquired an apartment for him to stay in on his late nights. Joseline was one of his artists at first. Since he has a bad habit of mixing business with pleasure, they ended up messing around.

They would go to the extra apartment he had to have their sexual rendevous. As of right now, they aren’t together on the show. During the season break, he had a spinoff called “Leave It To Stevie.”

During the course of the show you saw him level up in the lady department with one of his longtime friends. He had a chance to date Faith Evans. Now this was a big step up from what he usually attracts. She was a real woman. I don’t feel like Faith would go out of her way to hurt him and play games like immature Joseline. She was graceful with it and I appreciate that about her. Grinding and level headed, I feel that’s what he needs from a wife. I take this advice into account for myself because now after all of the heartache, I know what I don’t want to become and who I dont want to marry. I want peace and stability in my life.

I’ve been buying some sage along with this other root to bring positive energy into my life and I suggest that Stevie J do the same. Some people don’t mature just with age, it takes experiences. Hopefully Stevie will stay faithful to the right woman. I feel when you find “theone”, it will all work out in your favor and things will fall into place. If it’s not meant to be it won’t. Thanks for reading.

It is a word that has appealed to me since first hearing it in grade school but I had no idea what it meant. I grew up with ambitions and goals just like everyone else. The difference with myself is that thoughts of business are always on my mind. Success to me is having passive income where I can make money in my sleep and wake up to this….

I could be watching what is considered “ratchet tv” and think of the money I could be making if I just step outside of the box. It is something that is plaguing my mind every second as I think to myself “things could be better”. I am not some ungrateful human being snobby. I grew up on the bottom.

“Upper class poor” was my father’s definition of our lifestyle. Every Christmas, birthday, or good report card I recall getting some type of Power Ranger toy or video game. So I was blessed in that sense to never be without material things but the hood is outside my door. I was fortunate to go to Disney World as a minor as I found many of my Job Corps family down the line didn’t get to experience that privilege as it was at the time. It wasn’t until I was a courier for UX that I would really see the disparity between African Americans and people of Caucasian descent. In the very nice buildings where I would do the deliveries I would see a majority of other races (Asian, Russian, whatever is “exotic”) and I would say to myself “I deserve to be here too”. The path that I was on as a worker I knew in my heart would never make it possible for me to stay in those buildings where the rent is more then 3 months of my hourly wage at the time. I knew a change had to come.

In a couple weeks my journey into the world of law will commence. I plan on going to the top when it comes to my education. The plan is to use law since it is a well paying field. I want to use my income to start my own gym. I love how working out has helped me to increase my confidence and enhance my looks. I would like to share that energy in a safe place of peace for people to become a better version of themselves. As you can see here I put my money where my mouth was in this case as l molded and shaped my body with exercise. Someday I will use my passions to fuel my dreams. Thanks for reading.

Wow! I went outside and already sweated out my t shirt smh. I am not complaining as the summer here is short. Next thing you know we will be in the midst of winter looking for the sun to come out and bless us with some heat.

I have just become fond of summer the last few years. Especially as my confidence increases , I don’t mind being half naked outside. I weighed myself expecting a disaster as I have not been working out during my healing process. I have stayed the same weight . I noticed loss of muscle mass but I can’t stress that. I’ll be back!

I took a day off in between my writing just to get myself together and be a little selfish. My leg has been a really big downer for me. I really hate the fact that I can’t go hard like I want to without pain. I tried to carry my laundry up the steps and had to deal with my leg being sore for hours because of it. I can blame no one but myself for going to fast. I have also been dealing with a lot of internalstruggle as I now have the time to deal with my emotions and everything hit me in the face. I have immersed myself in a little cocoon for awhile till I can get back on my feet physically and mentally. I have always been so stuck on everyone else’s feelings and not my own that I never put myself first but not any longer. I am my own man and I can deal with the consequences of my actions but its hard when everyday it is something else. It’s like the little things add up into a big pile of crap that seems too much to handle sometimes. I will get my emotions together though. It will just take me time. I always try to be the positive guy or always try to be understanding.

When can I be an asshole?

I refuse to be a stepping stool. I feel I’ve always tried to take the high road in a lot of things but that takes so much energy. I end up with none for myself and it started to take a toll on me. Life has told me to slow down and find a positive path for yourself. Be a man about your stuff.

It is a point in time when everything you thought you knew or had in your control is leaving. When you enter into a place of the unknown where you are at life’s mercy. I want to be happy ,do cartwheels, throw a fist into the air. On the other hand I want to cry, curl up into a ball, run into my mom or wifeys arms and be held like a little boy. I feel so much like my childhood is ending and the feeling is oh so bittersweet.

I actually wrote that last paragraph when I thought I was leaving in a mere 4 days for my job program. I am going to be leaving for unit 9 in a couple more weeks now as I had the time extended to handle my health and financial issues before I am thrown to the wolves. My mom has offered to help me with such endeavors I guess to make the process as smooth as possible for me. I am so blessed and cursed to have the mom that I have but I guess I could not have asked for any better. She has given me what she could and I appreciate everything that I have been given and obtained from her. I feel I will miss this life when I am gone but I must continue to move forward and live through this life the best I can for me and my future family.

It has been a very long hiatus from here and so much has changed. I am currently unemployed and looking for my calling in life. I really do not want to just jump into a job because of money. I want to get up every morning and be motivated and excited to get up and go make my money. I do not want to be in a cubicle or work for anyone else ever again for that matter. I do know that before you can be the master you have to be the student first since I was not born with a silver spoon in my hand. I have to work from the turf up to build my 30 floor skyscraper. I really want to get into real estate but have no idea how to do it the right way.

Well let me get off ranting about my life. In terms of my transition. I have been off t for 2 weeks. I ran out of meds and had no money to get more till recently and Saturday I will back on it. I am excited to see more changes happen. I am not as horny and have had a break from all the pimples and sweating. That is the best part of being off the hormone for some time. I can see the difference it makes to be on both sides of the spectrum. It feels like a blessing to have this opportunity to
have lived the life of a young woman and grow into and adult male. I like the way my arms are coming along. They look like
they are getting a nice cut to them but it seems like my stomach
is very stubborn like its owner. I plan on this winter to keep
busy and work out. I want to be muscular in the next two summers.
As for my voice sometimes I can sound like a little girl then a
pubescent boy. It can be depressing that my transition is moving
a bit slow but hey I was told it may take 5 years to get where I
want so time to play the waiting game.

When it comes to surgery I am really starting to look at bottom
surgery very seriously. New techniques and forms are coming
together very quickly as I would have hoped and maybe just maybe
I will end up with a naturally erecting penis. I want a phallo to be my end result though. I am considering a meta first though to be a stepping stone but I feel I have plenty time to think about it. Anyway
I am not really to sure anymore which type of phallo as I come upon more information I have been left kind of clueless. It will
be a few more years till that happens but It is well worth the
wait to see more advancements.

I guess I got too happy to soon when it comes to my period. It came late after around 42 days of freedom. I cannot complain getting it really late. I am looking forward to when I will not have to worry about having to carry around a pad or bleeding randomly.

Anyway I have been leaning how to throw and hit the tennis ball with my left hand. Just another thing I am trying to do to challenge myself mentally. I like to go and play racket ball at the park as it gives me a chance to have a bit of freedom for a little bit and take my mind off of life and the stresses it can bring. Stresses including the idea of having to take care of yourself and to maintain. Lately R has been asking me if I want to move out my house. Anyone who feels they are coming into their own and want independence from their parents so to speak will want to be more independent. Moving out is one thing that will show my family I am more of an adult. The downside of course would be moving to fast without being set. That leaves the possibility of having to come back. When I move out I want to have a car and a nice job/business to keep me afloat. I want to also be able to take care of myself if need be. With this job I cannot handle a house or apartment by myself which means to me that I am not ready to leave. I also want to have completed top surgery before I go anywhere so I can automatically be seen as a man where ever I go and not as a female like here at home now.

Well this is not transition related but worth writing about. My wifey and I were chilling on the couch in my house when it started to rain. R got the idea of putting laundry detergent on a dirty rug outside since it was poaring rain. The idea was maybe with all the rain it would wash and also dry outside. Now she tells me she is going to be my umbrella woman and hold it for me when we are outside. The funny thing is when we go outside we realize the rug is still under the balcony and needs to be moved into the rain. Now I am the one who picks up the rug and walks into the rain while my umbrella woman stands there like she is watching adventures out of a rain forest. Wifey and I got a good laugh out of that. Even though she left me high and dry, I love her with all my heart.

Changes I have been having as of late have been small. Well to me I guess they are small lol. I am growing more hair on my body and my clitoris is getting more sensitive. I am also horny like crazy but I have already dedicated a blog to that so I wont get into to much detail. I have also gained weight. I was told it could be my body turning some fat into muscle. I really hope so. Anyway off to live my life.