Monthly Cycle

A question that’s come up multiple times in reader questions is how we deal with Joy’s monthly cycle within the framework of our D/s relationship. Never having been a woman myself, I have little perspective on the physical, emotional and hormonal changes that take place and how they make Joy or any other woman feel internally. However, I can speak to what I do, as the Dominant partner, to work with and around Joy’s menstruation.

Generally I have identified four different “seasons” within Joy’s cycle. Before diving in to talk about them, I need to point out that I’m generalizing rampantly throughout this description. Things can change markedly from month to month, and sometimes a particular season is shortened or lengthened or skipped all together. However, I find the idea of breaking her cycle into four parts useful as I can tailor our various adventures to fit the particular season she is in, and usually when I have an especially “interesting” idea for us to try, I’ll wait until the appropriate season to enact it. Of course, the fact that things can vary so much from one month to the next means I don’t always get things correct…
The first phase comes immediately after Joy’s period ends and generally lasts for about a week. For the sake of the metaphor, let’s call this phase “spring”. During the spring season, Joy’s desire and sexuality are blossoming, but have not yet reached full flower, her desire to submit is strong, she is generally happy and optimistic. In spring she is willing to try new things, appreciates being Dominated, is aroused by a measure of pain, and is willing to discuss deep subjects and hidden desires if I bring them up at an appropriate time.

Spring is therefore a good time to open up a new area of exploration, introduce a new toy, or start a multi-part series of adventures that will reach their climax in the next season. Though her desire is strong, it’s not yet at its peak, and because of this spring isn’t the optimum time to try to move or overcome limits. The best adventures for this season tend to include a fair portion of Domination but feature both cruel and caring aspects.

Spring is followed by summer, with summer again lasting about a week…sometimes as much as ten days. During her summer season, Joy’s sexuality reaches its peak, and she can easily become consumed with lust and desire. She longs to be thoroughly Dominated, and she craves to feel taken, to feel used, to feel plundered. She remains willing to try new things, especially if they further her feeling of submission, and pain and pleasure are firmly linked together in her mind. Summer is the season in which confessions of hidden desires are most easily wrung from her. In fact, sometimes on particularly warm summer nights when the lights are out and she can hide behind her pillow, Joy might volunteer a fantasy that she longs to try. That, for instance, is where our experiment with “figging” came from.

Summer is the season of riding crops and nipple clamps, the season in which a series of adventures should be timed to reach its climax. Summer is the best season to attempt to overcome limits, using Joy’s heat as a lever. Summer is the season of blindfolds, serious bondage, the penis gag, and one orgasm after another after another. Domination is harsher, focusing on “making” Joy take part in outrageous acts and scenarios, with caring taking a back seat. Summer is hot, folks, and its adventures should be sultry, dark and sweaty.

Summer gives way to autumn, however. Autumn seems to last about ten days, though it can shrink to as little as a week and can extend to a full fifteen days at times. Autumn is a season of change and uncertainty, still full of heat and arousal but with a mixture of fear and anxiety added. During the autumn, it’s almost as though Joy fights an internal battle between her desire and her fear, between lust and anger. Submission comes harder during this season and tends to be perfunctory and driven by the knowledge that she ought to submit, rather than by a need to submit. Pain loses much of its magic and becomes simply painful, and new things intimidate more than they fascinate. During autumn Joy still becomes easily aroused and greatly desires sex. Using this lust as a lever can be very dangerous, however.

In autumn, adventures should focus on caring, and cruelty should fade to a minimum. Autumn is the season of the good girl spanking, which focuses on closeness and appreciation rather than harshness or discipline. Guidelines should be monitored and rules should be enforced, but gently and with caring. I return to old favorites for Autumn scenes, replaying activities that Joy knows and has enjoyed in the past. Limits, risks and any pain beyond a standard spanking should be avoided. Autumn is the most difficult time, a season to play it safe.

And finally comes the winter, the time of Joy’s period itself. During the winter, Joy seems quieter, possessing neither the anxiety of autumn nor the eagerness of spring. She needs to feel that she is wanted and needed, to be told she is beautiful. Joy is embarrassed about her period, and wants to keep it hidden and private. Because of this, we cease all activity during the four to five days of this season. We tried continuing maintenance spankings through one month, simply modifying our process to leave her panties on during the spanking, but she still felt embarrassed and uncomfortable, and results were poor. Since then, even maintenance spankings go on hiatus, and we wait until spring melts the snow before we begin again. While this may sound icy cold and lonely, in reality it is not. Winter is a time out from sex, but offers a chance for us to talk and be close without relying on desire to smash us tightly together.

Those are the seasons in our house–they may not be the same in yours. However, the idea of adjusting your plans and adventures to fit your partner’s cycle can be useful and powerful. I discover quickly when I have miscalculated or forgotten and tried something delicate at an inappropriate time of the month! I have far more success when I let Joy’s seasons be my guide and take advantage of each of them appropriately…

14 Comments

My periods are over now but I agree that there are seasons in the cycle. I found the few days leading up to a period were often a bit fraught but that once my period began my orgasms were particularly intense. Co-incidentally, I wrote about menopause earlier today. I haven’t noted seasons or patterns in this phase of life. Potentially, any day is a good day. It’s a huge advantage to growing older.

Very very interesting post Jake. I’m still reeling from the fact that the seasons you mention, have never occurred to me in quite this way before and that it’s ‘a man’ that’s pointed them out! (No offense Lol!) Your post makes so much sense, ok every woman is different obviously, but I identified with quite a bit here, or at least came to a better understanding of why things work sometimes and not others. And now I’m away in all honesty, to wonder why on earth, I, as in somebody who has lived through these monthly phases for the best part of nearly 30yrs, has never figured all this out!
Ps: I’m astounded by your level of observation skills. Great post.

Thanks, Dee. Is it possibly because sometimes it’s easier to see something from the outside then when you’re living in it? For what it’s worth, it’s taken me several years of up-close-and-personal research to reach the conclusions I laid out about Joy’s seasons. Most of that research was lots of fun, but when it was NOT so much fun, I had a great need to understand why…

There is no question too personal here. Well, as long as you don’t ask me my birthday or something crazy. 😉

I am absolutely serious, I never had any of those hormonal changes during my cycle, and I absolutely thought everyone else was making up excuses for behaving badly until perhaps my mid-twenties. I had no PMS. Horrible, actually debilitating cramps sometimes during my period, but nothing affecting my mental state or attitude. Well, except the debilitating pain, and a near-impossibility to get pregnant, which both did sometimes cause depression, but that’s a different issue.

It’s interesting that you leap right on that and ask if I think that has anything to do with the problems I mention, because only today as I was typing my comment to you did it occur to me that my many reproductive issues probably ARE tied to my lack of hormonal moodiness.

You’re incredibly insightful, and I meant to mention that in my first post, that this level of observation of Joy’s cycle is astonishing. You’re an awesome partner. (and I know whereof I speak!)

Thanks for responding and being so open, Conina (and no, I won’t ask your birthday!). Sorry to hear about the issues you faced, both with cramping and with getting pregnant. That adds up to a heavy price to pay for the lack of mood swings! Though not having to deal with the emotional ups and downs is probably a pretty substantial benefit.

As to being insightful, I appreciate it, but just because I talk a good game doesn’t mean I always live up to it. The whole reason I wrote this post is because I missed the signals that should have told me summer had passed and turned to autumn and didn’t adjust my plans accordingly. But thanks nonetheless!

I don’t have any of that. I always thought people were making stuff up until I came of an age to realize that not everyone works the same way.

I’ve written about my own period problems on my blog, so I’ll spare you the majority of the details. I’m very thankful though that my husband never had an issue with sex during my period, he still found me desirable and I was very responsive to that. (I don’t mean to imply here that you do have an issue.) My gratitude stems from the fact that I did have a period that lasted straight through for months and months, and since he’d never had a problem with it before, thankfully we still had sex.

Sounds like you and your husband have an outstanding relationship, Conina (as if we didn’t already know that from reading your blog!) I’m curious whether you are serious about the first line of your comment…at first I thought you were being sarcastic, but on re-reading, now I’m thinking you meant what you said. Do you really have no emotional changes during your cycle? That’s interesting…and do you think it’s related to the problems you mentioned?

Very insightful of you and caring I might add. During the “winter” time as you call it I find that I am aroused-especially the first day. But, it can be a love-hate thing.
Sometimes I have stomach cramps, feel bloated, and so being intimate is not as enjoyable. Well thought out post (good word picture about seasons) and how nice you are so in tune to Joy and her needs. Regards,

I think this is a better perspective on sex and the period than I have ever seen. I like that you took it from the whole cycle instead of just the bleeding and I LOVE the autumn description of PMS – that is so me. Over the years, I have learned not to make major life-time decisions in “autumn.”

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