TMZ! 'shocker' soaks Blackhawks' Corey Crawford

The face of evil?!! Chicago Blackhawks goalie Corey Crawford pauses for a quick drink of water during a March 2013 NHL playoff game against the Detroit Red Wings in Detroit. Crawford's now in 'hot water,' so to speak, over squirting a heckling fan with his water bottle while on the bench during Game 4 of the Blackhawks-L.A. Kings series at the Staples Center in Los Angeles on Monday.

Photograph by: Dave Reginek
, NHL via Getty Images

CHICAGO — Tiger Woods. Donald Sterling. Corey Crawford.

The face of infidelity. The face of bigotry. The face of get-outta-my-face.

What these three have in common: all were exposed by the muck-raking celebrity news website TMZ — Woods for his 2009 SUV crash and subsequently-revealed long list of mistresses, Sterling for the taped conversation with his now ex-mistress in which the L.A. Clippers owner revealed himself to be all kinds of xenophobe, and on Wednesday morning, the most dastardly of them all:

Crawford, for being the focus of a POLICE INVESTIGATION (!) after a heckler in Los Angeles filed a battery complaint against the Chicago Blackhawks goaltender for allegedly spraying him in the face with a water bottle.

In this, the National Hockey League’s very own Watergate season, when H2O incidents have surpassed concussions in the national conversation, Crawford’s is definitely the (worst?!) (most heinous?!) latest.

Actually, the LAPD says there is no investigation, having evidently decided that the heckler in question either (a) was embellishing the incident, Tomas Plekanec-style or (b) had it coming.

But charges filed or not filed is beside the point.

The point is … TMZ! The 15 minutes of fame Clark Wong, the alleged squirtee, got for taking his phony outrage and even phonier injury to the cops while being tossed out of the Staples Center late in Game 4 of the Western Conference final on Monday night.

If Boston’s Shawn Thornton was fined $2820.52 for squirting Canadiens defenceman P.K. Subban from the bench, and New York goalie Henrik Lundqvist was nailed $5,000 for emptying his water bottle on Sidney Crosby, Crawford is sure to be disciplined for physical interaction with a fan, if video evidence of it exists.

Wong, 27, told TMZ he was sitting behind the Chicago bench, heckling Crawford after the goalie was “pulled from the game” — the story made no mention of the fact he was pulled for an extra skater with the Hawks trailing the Los Angeles Kings 4-2.

The story continued: “That's when Crawford — who's in the middle of a 6-year, $36 MILLION contract — allegedly whipped out a water bottle and blasted him right in the face.

“Wong says he believes the bottle was filled with backwash — along with water — and it has caused serious irritation to his eyes. Wong says he's going to a doctor to get his eyes checked.”

Quoting “league sources,” TMZ reported that “Wong was ejected from the game 3 to 5 minutes after the spraying incident for ‘taunting the players’ and it was while he was being escorted out of the arena that he began to rub his eyes, complaining about the pain.

“We're told Wong filed a report with police before leaving the arena. We reached out to Crawford's camp for comment. So far, no word back.”

The story raises several important questions, such as: Goaltenders have camps? Could Wong’s eye irritation be caused by Southern California air pollution? Don’t water bottles only squirt OUT? Who knew about backwash? Did the victim consider having his head examined while he’s at the eye doctor, thereby killing two birds with one stone and placing less strain on ObamaCare?

Word from the Blackhawks camp Wednesday morning, in the person of head coach Joel Quenneville, was: “I just heard about it on my way over. First I heard of it. I'm not aware of the situation other than what you just said.

“I'm not worried about it right now. I'm worrying about the game, as Corey will.”

That would be Game 5 at United Center, which was the other thing happening Wednesday, though certainly not as compelling as the tale of Crawford’s scurrilous attack on the unfortunate Wong, whose only crime was to be a loudmouth, which fans are entitled to be, even when they’re jerks.

“Good luck with that,” said Kings defenceman Alec Martinez, apprised of Wong’s complaint. “I guess it’s just like the disclaimer they give that pucks can leave the ice surface. I guess water and other (stuff) can too ... it just comes with the territory."

There were a few smiles and chuckles as the story made its way through both dressing rooms, but the most succinct was from L.A.’s star defender Drew Doughty.

“Whoop-de-doo,” he said.

He was having a little trouble working up much sorrow for the victim, as much as he gets heckled in other rinks.

“I hear stuff all the time,” Doughty said. “I feel like I get booed in a lot of arenas. It doesn’t bother me. It’s kind of cool in its own way, I guess. Fans like to try and get into it on the bench with me.

“Especially Anaheim, there’s this one guy who always sat in the same spot and after every shift he was continually calling my name, trying to chirp me, chirp me, chirp me. Eventually it boils over and I wanted to say something back.”

Sometimes, a fan will even get off a clever line.

“I’ve had times where I thought, that was a good one, and I’ll laugh to myself,” Doughty said, “but not let him know I’m laughing, for sure.”

It’s been nearly 15 years since Toronto’s Tie Domi squirted a water bottle at a heckler behind the penalty box in Philadelphia, and the fan came right over a glass panel and into the box, where Domi pummelled him before linesman Kevin Collins could intercede and wrestle the fan away.

Domi was fined $1,000. The fan eventually sued, but dropped the suit when Domi gave him and three buddies tickets to a Leafs-Flyers game at Air Canada Centre.

They met, shook hands, had a laugh or two, and that was that.

It might be a nice gesture if Corey Crawford were to offer tickets, next time the Hawks are in L.A. It could be any day now … or not.

Of course, if Clark Wong’s infected eyes never recover from the horror of getting water in them, there’d be no point.

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The face of evil?!! Chicago Blackhawks goalie Corey Crawford pauses for a quick drink of water during a March 2013 NHL playoff game against the Detroit Red Wings in Detroit. Crawford's now in 'hot water,' so to speak, over squirting a heckling fan with his water bottle while on the bench during Game 4 of the Blackhawks-L.A. Kings series at the Staples Center in Los Angeles on Monday.

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