Catholic guilt, loneliness and fear

Since I used to be Catholic, the idea of Catholic guilt has been spinning in my head for a few days now. I’m not quite sure how to explain Catholic guilt.

The best way for me to describe Catholic guilt is to explain that you’ve, oh say, lied to your mother about being in a relationship. You know you’ve lied and so you need to confess to your priest. But it’s been months later, you’re still thinking about your "little white lie" and you haven’t confessed – Catholic guilt. Wikipedia does half-decent job of explaining what I mean.

I feel isolated in my own bubble. I wish I had a counselor on speed dial for moments like this – when I’m feeling so low that nothing but advice from a professional will do. I don’t want an ear today. I want advice. I want someone to tell me what to do. I’m already at the "I hate myself" point right now. I guess I have no real reasons to. I just do.

I am sick to my stomach with myself. I am so unhappy with things in my mind that I want to vomit. Many of my reasons are superficial.

It seems that when I have things together in one area, my brain needs to nitpick at something else so I can fall apart. It performs a pretty good job.

I was at work last week and made little profess on a document I was working on. I want to say that it’s not my fault but I’m plagued with Catholic guilt.

I make myself sick to my stomach. I’ve been exercising and praying but nothing ever seems to be good enough.

My depression stems from not getting enough approval from others. I want to be accepted and I want to be right. I want to be loved and needed. Not just by my husband but from everyone in my life. But no one beyond him truly needs me. And I can’t comprehend why my husband isn’t enough. Why do I need more?

Can you imagine me with kids trying to fly the coop? I’d never let them go.

I’m lonely and depressed. I just need a good cry. But it’ll all bottle up inside until I go crazy and can’t take it anymore. That’s how I am. (shakes head) Geez… women.