Disappointed black lab gets bupkis on Father's Day

Posted: Friday, June 20, 2008

Dear Rex,

I am a 3-year-old black lab mixed-breed male with all my parts - if you get my drift! My problems started on Father's Day, and I have been depressed ever since. I have fathered at least 19 different pups that I know of with several different moms. But on Father's Day I got bupkis! No kibble in bed, no nice juicy steak bone - not even a crummy card!

Seriously Rex, what is with these modern women that they can't even say thank you for giving them an opportunity to experience the joys of parenthood?

And what about those pups? I see them running all over, so I know they are around (except for the ones that were run over). I did not hear from one of them. I even know some of them are father's as well (making me a grandfather), and I didn't hear from any of the grandkids either.

Then, to add insult to injury, the humans next door made some very threatening comments about my attentions to their female and about me relieving myself on the side of their house. What is with that? Their female golden retriever wanted me to visit. And as for the relieving part ... I needed to mark my territory! I mean, I just had to.

And here is another problem. Humans seem to be getting meaner and meaner. I was visiting one of my former "friends" (a rottweiller, pit bull, lab, beagle mix) and all of a sudden some kid ran out and started yelling at me. At me!

Frankly, if it had not been for some screaming woman taking after me with a broom I would have bit the kid!

Anyway, Rex, I simply do not know what is going on with society today. You can't randomly reproduce, you can't mark your territory on the neighbors house, you can't bite the neighbors or get friendly with their dogs and apparently you can't expect to get something for Father's Day either! What advice can you give me?

Signed,

Disappointed on Father's Day

Dear Disappointed,

Where to even begin?

At some point (and that time should have been long ago) you need to recognize you are every bit as much of the problem as the females you are so antagonistic about.

I suggest you find someone with opposable thumbs and have them look through the yellow pages under "veterinarian." Then have them call and make you an appointment to be neutered.

Yes I said it: neutered. Trust me; this will not make you less of a man. I am serious, brother. Besides the horrific problem of pet overpopulation (for which you have contributed quite enough) there are the very real health problems you are going to face.

Your life expectancy and your health will be seriously compromised if you don't get this taken care of. As for female dogs who you continue to visit, hopefully their humans will wise up and realize how their dog's health is in jeopardy. If they want to stop your annoying visits, getting their dog spayed is a good place to start.

I don't want to add insult to injury here, but I would bet your pups and sons of pups don't even know who you are. And why should they? You sneak in, have your way with their mothers and are gone. Why you are bragging about siring so many pups is beyond me. Those times have changed, and it is dogs like you that give all us males a bad name.

If you haven't been neutered because of the cost, call the humane society. They will help you. If you haven't been neutered because your owners don't care, from the sounds of your behavior, they will soon legally have to care. And if you haven't been neutered because your human doesn't want to alter your "natural impulses" well, I can tell you I always laugh when humans say they feel so bad if their dogs get neutered.

I'm not telling you anything new when I tell you that we dogs do not have personal attachments to our reproductive parts. That is a purely human emotion. I am all male, and I have been so much happier and healthier since I was neutered and do not have to worry about being controlled by all of that.

In my years of listening to canine complaints and concerns, I can tell you that not having this surgery has caused more misery than any other single thing. Let's hope that before you bite some one (an action you cannot take back that will have long lasting repercussions for you and whomever you bite), your humans will realize you need help and they will get it for you.