Kurt Schneider, the treacly Yale filmster who brought us last year’s soul-churning “Nothing Left Unsaid,” has returned to his alma mater to slime it with more goo–although perhaps of a different variety this time. The recent graduate appeared on campus this weekend to premiere his latest travesty, a feature film entitled “College Musical” (which he filmed last summer to the undoubted chagrin of the staff members in Bass library). IvyGate was tragically absent at this once-in-a-lifetime event–if we recall correctly, we think we were eating Triscuits with our aged grandmother and watching reruns of Seinfeld–but here are a few points worth knowing about this spectacular work of craftsmanship.

There are songs. Quelle surprise.

The film began as an erotic fantasy: two years ago Schneider wrote a song called “I Want to Bone My TA.” That song is basically the plot of the movie.

It features the usual suspects: Youtube’s 15-minute marvel Sam Tsui, his singalong fag hag Allison Williams (whose news anchor father must be thrilled at her tarty makeup), and the raven-haired Julie Shain, whose hotness and tepid acting skills had a starring turn in “Nothing Left Unsaid.”

According to the Yale Daily News, it includes the following stroke of cinematic brilliance: “a student with ‘man-child syndrome’ — a disease the filmmakers invented in which a grown man reverts to the mind and behavior of a child.” This, apparently, is a crucial plot point. Man-child syndrome also figures in audience reception of the flick, as anyone who thrills at the sight of Sam Tsui high-kicking on a seminar table most likely has it.

As of right now, there are no plans to distribute the movie, so we can just embrace it as evidence that High School Musical has turned our institutions of higher education into Jello forts. But perhaps we presume too much. Behold, for your edification, a clip:

Unconditional Raves

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