Thursday, March 14, 2013

Career Advice: A Little Discouragement Can Go A Long Way

You know when you're riding a really cool bike and you know you look great, and then you pass someone equally cool and there's that moment where you exchange almost imperceptible nods, as if to say, "Isn't it great to be a member of Club Awesome?"

Well, that happened to me yesterday in Brooklyn when I passed this guy while riding a folding bike:

Keep in mind I was already buzzing from an earlier moment of profound coolness, during which I was powering over some cobblestones in DUMBO on my diminutive clown bike and bucking ridiculously like a cartoon cowboy. Just then, as if to underscore the absurdity of the situation, my smartphone began piping a Slayer song into my headphones. Suddenly I was able to view the scene from the perspective of my 15 year-old self, and I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry, so instead I just started flicking lit cigarettes at myself.

And yes, sometimes I ride a folding bike helmentless while listening to headphones at a sensible volume, but only because I'm a wild thrill-seeking adrenaline junkie who thrives on laughing in Death's face. Sure, it's dorkily dangerous, but it's not nearly as dorky or as dangerous of jumping out of a plane in a "wingsuit:"

I'm currently pitching a Hollywood action movie franchise called "Sky Freds" in which a rogue team of Navy SEALs leaps from planes in wingsuits and then unfurls folding bikes like this one:

Yikes. That is one Fredly foldie.

As dorky as folding bikes are though (and they are dorky, really dorky) I had something of a revelation yesterday as I passed rider after rider on fixiebikes. (Every year I think the fixies are finally over for good, but every spring they seem to come out of hibernation. Either that, or people from other places who still ride fixies keep moving here.) Here was that revelation:

Fixies are way dorkier than folding bikes.

Not only that, but folding bikes do everything fixiebikes are supposed to do, only better. You know how a fixiebike with its stupid narrow bars is supposed to be some minimalist urban scalpel with which you can carve your way through traffic as you modulate speed with your legs thanks to your zenlike connection to your pawl-less drivetrain? Yeah, right. The typical fixiebike rider still wears a poorly-disgused "Oh shit!" expression as his "My Little Pony" bike compels him inexorably through intersections, his feet tied to his pedals and all manner of Kickstarter accessories dangling from his designer utility belt. Then, when he finally gets to where he's going, he's forced to execute some stupid "hipster high-lock" maneuver:

Until inevitably (and mercifully for the rest of us) it gets stolen, prompting a plaintive plea on Craigslist.

The folding bike on the other hand really is an urban scalpel in that its tiny wheels and odd geometry allow you to easily wend your way through car traffic. Plus, there's the element of surprise, since at any moment you can fold it down in a matter of seconds. It's the ultimate two-wheeled assault weapon, like an incredibly dorky pair of nunchucks.

Now, just to be clear, I have no intention whatsoever of impugning Taylor Phinney's character, and I certainly appreciate and respect the emotional context of this ride. In fact, I think he showed so much character that, instead of congratulating him for his effort, we should consider doing everything possible to convince him to retire from this facacta sport and channel his efforts into something more productive.

Look at it this way: Taylor Phinney may be young, but he's not that young for a professional cyclist. At 22, people still like to tout him as an up-and-comer, but keep in mind that Peter Sagan is only one year older than Phinney and he already got up and came, winning like twenty stages of the Tour de France last year. Of course, there's a reason for that, which is that Peter Sagan is on drugs. He has to be. In fact, I'll bet even his drugs are on drugs. Meanwhile, if we're to believe Taylor Phinney, he won't even take caffeine pills. This is a problem, because basically as an American cyclists he has three options:

2) Remain an up-and-comer until he reaches that age where people can't call you an up-and-comer anymore and instead just avoid making eye contact with you, like what happened with Tom Danielson;

3) Evolve into one of those TT specialists and make up for your lack of results in other areas by growing quirky facial hair in a transpartent attempt to remain relevant, like Dave Zabriskie.

And yes, I realize Taylor Phinney has had some great results on the track, but the road is really all that matters from a career standpoint, since being a really good track racer is like being really good at bridge. Sure, it takes a lot of talent, but the only people who notice you are old people and nerds. I've been to a bridge club and I've been to a velodrome, and they're eerily similar. Road racing on the other hand is more like professional poker: full of sleazebags, but at least it's potentially lucrative.

But while Taylor Phinney is no longer that young for a pro athlete, he's still very young for an actual human being, and considering the character strength he's displaying it just seems wrong to me to encourage him to continue along the professional poker road to ruin when he could instead fulfill his tremendous promise by laying the foundation for an actual career. Look, I worry about the boy, and I can't be the only one urging Taylor Phinney to at least consider finding something to fall back on--you know, just in case the pro cycling thing doesn't work out, which it hasn't for any American ever.

Hey, it's never too early to cash in your hopes and dreams in exchange for a life of soul-crushing stability, and a dentist makes a very comfortable living, that's all I'm saying. And you still get to make the biking on the weekends.

The hipster high-lock is the only practical way to keep your ride safe from those thieving Keebler elves. Fuckers steal bikes all night, sell them for weed and get high all day and eat cookies. I'd be so there if it weren't for the height restriction.

BSNYC: Can you do a wheelie on that clown bike? If so, you get the pass.

Riding a bike you can't wheelie= FAIL

One of my favorite things to do is yell "DO A POPPA WHEELIE!" at people riding recumbents and tandems. Well, also pretty girls on normal bikes. Usually gets a smile or a laugh. THIS HAS GOTTEN ME LAID BEFORE, so ima keep doing it.

If Taylor Phinney were to become a dentist, he might be the bestest dentist/cyclist in history. He might also be the only dentist in history who actually knows how to maneuver a time trial bike. Many have tried, but one only need Google "triathlon crash" to know the generally dangerous results of mixing cycling and dentists.

I am a dentist and I get to ride weekends and weekdays. I had wanted to be a professional musician (really a punk rock star back when no one made a living doing it), but opted to go to dental school instead. Sleeping on floors and getting paid with beers was great, but I like riding my bike more.

Snobby - I have been telling you for years folders are fun. The small turning radius of the 20" wheels make them the perfect urban warfare bike. They are practical (gears, brakes, can be folded, etc.) and the good ones are a blast to ride. Isn't that what you are all about - that biking shouldn't be so pretenious, just fun. Yes they are dorky but so dorky they are cool.

I've been ridin' these streets so longSingin' the same old songI know every crack in these dirty bikelanes of BrooklynWhere hustle's the name of the gameAnd nice guys get washed away like the snow and the rainThere's been a load of compromisin'On the road to my horizonBut I'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me

Like a cartoon cowboyRiding out on my foldie in a fred-spangled rodeoLike a cartoon cowboyGetting stares and comments from people I don't even knowAnd offers comin' over email

Well, I really don't mind the rainAnd a smile can hide all the painBut you're down when you're ridin' the train that's takin' the long wayAnd I dream of the things I'll doWith a subway token and my foldie tucked between my legsThere'll be a load of compromisin'On the road to my horizonBut I'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me

Like a cartoon cowboyRiding out on my foldie in a fred-spangled rodeoLike a cartoon cowboyGetting stares and comments from people I don't even knowAnd offers comin' over email

Like a cartoon cowboyRiding out on my foldie in a fred-spangled rodeo

FADELike a cartoon cowboyGettin' stares and comments from people I don't even know

For some reason my new route home now brings me into frequent contact with Cat-6-racing fixie riders. Actually I think they need their own new Category 7 because it's really unfair to put them in the same category along with grownup bikes with brakes & gears. Especially on this route, which has both an uphill and a downhill. And if that weren't enough to guarantee me Cat6 glory, it ALSO has timed traffic lights, which tends to escape the notice of young dipshits who've been in Portland for like 5 minutes. They pass me, race up to the next light and do a skid; meanwhile I time the light & roll past them all casual & slow; rinse, repeat. Then comes the downhill where they just can't pedal fast enough. CAT 6 GLORY!!!!!!!!

That knowing look may work in NYC, but all I get from recumbents is a look of snide derision. It's like they're thinking you may be dorky on your folder, but you can't even fathom the level of dorkitude I'm experiencing right now.

Oh wait, what did I just read? Kickstarter accessories dangling from his designer utility belt??? There are people on Kickstarter actually follow through and produce real products you can hang on your belt? Huh.

I have a folder too that I use for commuting and whatever and ok, it and I are kind of dorky, but I know supposedly non-dorky peoples where I work and all around and I don't see there's anything intrinsically great in them not being dorks. In fact, they'll even talk to me. I get the job done. What else counts?

And pointing out that the folder is dorky yet practical (is that combination possible?) in traffic makes me forgive WCRM's reluctance to initiate an endless debate about folders in the comments, which I might find informative, but which also might end in someone calling someone else Hitler or a Nazi, by revealing its type.

...if you care about our on-line compatriot babble on, then just send a prayer or a little love in her direction as one of her dearest & closest friends is in a serious physical condition at the moment...

...just keep it 'chill', no need to ask questions, no need to know answers & i wouldn't even use social media other than to post here so as not to distract her but at times, when people extend heartfelt love, it just gives a boost to the system...

...right now, i'm betting babble could likely use a boost to stay as strong as we know her to be, so she can be there for her friend...

The BEST part about riding a foldie is not the people looking at you like you're the special kid in the neighbourhood, it's those long series of questions and conversation from people who think the bike is cool, but would never actually ride one because it looks gay....and the "hey, yer bike is bent" joke, that never gets old, even after like 50 times, I could just hear that over and over.

paulb said I don't see there's anything intrinsically great in them not being dorks. - most awesome dork mantra yet. Seemed a little early to invoke Godwin's Law, but crosspalms comeback had me ROFLing.

Mr. Bike Snob, Cycling worked out for Lance; he apparently got rich cheating just like many other American business men (and women). After all doesn't the end justify the means, ESPECIALLY in American business. Maybe bike fans should consider having an "occupy France" as a way to clean up "The Tour." Wait, they call that being an "expat." Nice work today, thanks.

Your comments are defamatory, and I would advise my client to sue you except it is abundantly clear that you have no assets of any worth (at least until they allow us to take your 17 children for punitive damages).

WCRM, Now that you have the folding bike, is there any possible riding scenario that you do not have covered? road, mountain, cross, city, travel, hauling. Is there a bigger Fred than you? I mean that in a good way.

I'm totally stoked about March 30th, for the Rails to Trails Opening Day. We've got a few near us here in sunny Orlando that we're going to hit. Have you had a chance to try some of them out? (the ones in the Rails to Trails program)

Couldn't agree more regarding folders. I purchased one last year which was going to be only when I needed to take the train into the city. As an owner of three "regular" bicycles (and 4 cars) adding a fourth bicycle seemed a bit ridiculous, but I figured it would pay for itself in parking (eventually). Fast forward a year and 2200 miles later and I have done 80% of my cycling for the past twelve months on the Brompton. Brilliant piece of kit, can't imagine how I lived without it. Ended up selling two cars because of it (kept the Honda and the convertible sports car) And no, I am not going all minimalist, I just love things which are greater than the sum of their parts.

DDS and Ge...I do not ride a Serotta nor anything titanium. No Crabon either. I have a superstition in that I only ride/purchase bikes whose company name begins with the letter "S". Thus in my stable I have a Surly Instigator, a Santa Cruz Butcher, a Specialized Tricross and a Swobo Del Norte. The only exception is a '78 Laguna cruiser , but it was a gift.

They pretty much scowl at anyone who doesn't look just like themselves. Even some other Freds get glared at for having the wrong color clown suit on, or simply a lapse in pretend peloton behavior. It's pretty brutal in the imaginary hero world. They are all deeply committed, you know.

Wow!

1100 Redbases

I kid you not. That's enough to set some paranoia in motion, right there.

Hey that's me with the pirate flag - sad news: the "batmobile" (a.k.a. Lola) died in a collision with a pole (I was distracted by a woman,...). That trike was loved and will be sorely missed. - Jason Dubin

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!