Vir Das Presents News From The Rest Of The World

Our news is so dominated by Trump that it’s easy to forget there’s an entire world with plenty of news that we’re probably missing. India’s own Vir Das is here to help.

TranscriptCONAN: When you think about it, our news today, our news is so dominated by President Trump that it's easy to forget there's an entire world with plenty of news that we're probably missing out on.
Because everything is Trump, Trump, Trump.
Well, here to help us sort through it, all the way from India, is our friend, comedian Vir Das.
Vir?
[cheers and applause]
>> Conan, thank you for having me.
CONAN: Very excited to have you here and take us through the news from the rest of the world.
>> Yes.
You're very generously given me five minutes to talk about seven billion people.
CONAN: Yeah.
Actually, now -- it's actually now four minutes and 30 seconds.
So we --
>> Hello, America!
Welcome to the rest of the world.
It's a big palatial.
There's a lot of people out there that you have yet to meet.
Like take my country.
I'm from India.
We have 1.3 billion people.
That's like four Americas.
Without Florida, you're welcome.
CONAN: So vir, what's the latest from India?
What's going on?
>> Our space program is amazing.
It's like NASA with less Indians.
[laughter]
last year, India launched 104 satellites in a single mission, fun fact, 96 of them were American satellites.
So see, it's not just taxis and ubers.
Even your satellites can't get from place to place without an Indy driver.
[Applause]
CONAN: In fairness, Vir, the relationship is probably more complex?
>> No, it isn't.
Africa, ladies and gentlemen, Africa is doing amazing things.
Africa is sitting on 30% of the world's natural resources.
And in 40 years Africa is going to be the largest exporter of diamonds, salt, oil, and gold.
Do you know what that means?
It means black people may or may not be attending the Oscars but they will be manufacturing them.
CONAN: Wow.
That's quite a statement.
>> Hey, America, you know how sometimes you feel like you're living under a dictatorship and your leader is making irrational decisions?
well, guess what?
So do these countries.
CONAN: Now, wait a minute.
Ver, that's supposed to make us feel better?
>> Yes.
You're not alone, America.
Gabon is with you.
CONAN: It doesn't help that gabon is with us.
>> Here's something that will make you feel better.
The world has 7.3 billion people.
Twitter has only 300 million active monthly users and every time Donald Trump tweets something like truly insane, 97% of the world hasn't read that shit.
Chorse cheers --
[cheers and applause]
relax.
We don't know.
To us, rocket man is still a song.
And crooked Hillary is JUST a bridge in Scotland.
[laughter]
CONAN: What about Canada?
What's happening there?
Yeah.
>> Nothing.
It's perfect.
CONAN: That's -- that's annoying, actually.
>> Yes, it is.
CONAN: OK.
>> Catalonia is a cent, not a lady.
They're going solo.
They're leaving Spain to form their own country.
I'm calling it spexit.
CONAN: Like Brexit.
Do you think spexit will happen before Brexit?
>> Slumet.
I'm Indian.
If one thing we can say about the British they take forever to leave a country.
[Applause]
CONAN: OK.
I hate to break it to you but you got two minutes and 15 seconds.
>> Is my planet getting in the way of your oxy clean commercial?
CONAN: We have to pay the rent somehow, OK?
>> Japan.
Japanese P.M. Shinzo Abe won a landslide victory and the good news Japan is now your ally.
Eel break it down.
There are two teams leak the Olympics but everybody dies.
Now, there's team Donald which is the U.S.A., Japan, and south Korea.
That's .5 billion people.
Versus team un who are trying to destroy your democracy which has north Korea, china and Russia.
That's 1.5 billion people.
CONAN: Wait a minute.
It sounds like our side, we're a billion people shortly.
>> Yeah.
And you know who happens to have a billion people?
[Applause]
So now would be a really good time to apologize for our poop.
CONAN: I didn't create that character.
I just wrote for him, OK?
>> One last thing, Conan, I'll leave you guys with this.
America has 45 million immigrants.
But each year, 75 million tourists from the rest of the world visit America.
So if you see somebody just yelling at a foreigner on the street, just go back to your own damn country, chances are, he's going to.
[laughter]
we don't want your jobs.
We just want to see Disneyland and destroy your democracy.
[cheers and applause]
CONAN: Hey, very nicely done.
Ver das, everybody!
- Vir Das, everybody!