Impossible Things to Believe Before Breakfast

"One can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age I always did it for one half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
-Lewis Carrol "Through the Looking Glass"

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Liberals and Star Trek

Liberal behavior makes a lot more sense, once you realize that they think they are contemporaries of Star Treks Jean Luc Picard and William Riker and Live in the United Federation of Progressives… Why do I think this?

They expect the French (like Jean Luc Picard) to be strong leaders and diplomats and are appalled when the U.S. does not automatically follow their lead

They expect that the United States will obey the Prime Directive, and not interfere with other cultures (but of course make allowances for those, like themselves , who break the Prime Directive for the "right reasons")

They see themselves as a citizen of the world

They expect that all plans will be made and executed perfectly because everyone has access to a completely accurate computer database that knows everything, and can get you an answer to any question within seconds

They believe that No natural disaster should ever happen because weather satellites and starships can prevent storms or earthquakes from occuring

They expect goods and services to be provided free of charge and without environmental impact by a centralized government and take it for granted that technologies that enable such things ( such as free non-polluting power,free and accurate information, replicators, transporters and inexpensive space travel ) already exist

They believe a war or disaster relief should be perfectly planned and instantly executed (see points 4 and 6)

They expect people with different cultures and morals (aliens like Klingons, Romulans, Ferengi) will change their ways and values if they spend enough time with enlightened humans (such as themselves), and that all conflicts can and should be resolved in this way

They always set their phasers on "Stun" so they will get a chance to try #8

They think we have effective wartime weapons that can be set on "Stun"

They expect everyone with a profit motive to religiously follow the sexist, racist, and unscrupulous Ferengi Rules of Acquisition.

They expect nobody should be forced to work for a living (see #6) , and that everyone should just be allowed to "follow their heart"

They expect that millions of people using the freedom to "follow their own hearts" will all come to the same conclusions and naturally act in uniform concert with one another to advance the human race

They think that unlimited access to wealth and "expert" psychiatric care will eliminate the human conditions of hatred, greed, jealousy, and sloth

They believe that any consequences of self-destructive or foolish behavior can and should be cured by a pill (alcoholism, drug abuse, obesity, pregnancy)

They think that people ( like Spock or Data) who come to conclusions through examination of facts and logic, are simplistic, pathetic, black & white thinkers who would benefit from an ability to think emotionally

They see it as an alien (Borg) attack whenever anyone in the United States supports "Assimilation" of an immigrant, or advocates adding "their cultural Distinctiveness to our own" in an American Melting pot.

They think there is no God and that the powers of any God-Like Beings you might meet are merely results of being higher up on the evolutionary/technology scale, and therefore eventually attainable by humans

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

You Might be a Liberal If

You think Vietnam Veterans are "baby killers", Big tobacco targets children, and there should be no death penalty, but believe women should be allowed to abort their children on demand with no restrictions.

You think the environment should be protected for animals and their unborn children, that it is wrong to eat animals, fish, or eggs, that trees have feelings, that animals can conceptualize, and that human the fetus is an unthinking, unfeeling blob of protoplasm.

You think that if Roe VS. Wade were overturned, abortion would automatically become illegal in the United States.

You think that a refusal to provide government funding for research involving Stem-Cells harvested after a certain date, in deference to conscientious objectors to the practice, constitutes a complete ban on stem-cell research

You think that taxpayers should be forced to pay for things they find immoral or go against their beliefs, but are outraged by Faith-based government initiatives that fund organizations whose beliefs go against yours.

You believe morality shouldn’t be legislated, but support laws and policies that enforce your moral beliefs regarding Gay Marriage, Abortion, poverty and equality.

You believe that it is inhumane to use a feeding tube to force feed a duck to produce foie gras, but perfectly humane to remove a feeding tube from a human that will die of starvation without it.

You think that men have no business drafting abortion laws, but that people who have never held a gun are the best ones to write firearms legislation.

You think that if someone is getting richer, someone, somewhere, must be getting poorer, because the amount of wealth on the planet is constant.

You live in constant fear that someone, somewhere, is making a profit.

You think that age, training, education, profession, years of experience, geographical location, criminal history, inter-personal skills and work ethics have no bearing on income, and therefore believe that discrepancies in income can only come about as a result of discrimination based on gender and/or race.

You believe people in America are born into an economic class and there is little if any change in their economic status during their lifetime despite government statisitcs that show a high degree of class mobility.

You believe the difference between the richest person and the poorest person in a society is a good indicator of how wealth is actually distributed and factors such as the average age, years of education, the number of hours worked, the number of workers per household, as well as the actual numbers of people in each income bracket, and the migration of individuals from bracket to bracket as they age are irrelevant to the discussion.

You believe there is no difference between wealth and income, and therefore want to tax anyone with a high income (even if its for just one year) as wealthy.

You believe that tax cuts for the rich are unfair because poor people deserve to get more back in income taxes than they pay.

You believe a cut in tax rates automatically means the government collects less money in taxes

You believe what a person can afford is based on how much money the person could spend if they had no limits on income

You believe that rich people should not be allowed to contribute so much money to candidates for office (except for George Soros).

You believe that people should be forced to contribute to charity via government, and distain voluntarily charity that may have a religious motive behind it.

You believe that monopolies that produce products should be illegal or regulated, but monopolies on labor (Unions) should not be.

You think that raising taxes and closing tax loopholes will automatically reduce the budget deficit.

You wish that everyone’s paycheck was paid directly to the government because people always spend their own money foolishly. .

You believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

You think that consenting adults can engage freely in every kind of activity except for buying and selling goods in an open market.

You think AIDS is spread by insufficient government funding.

You think Prices are the same thing as Costs, and that setting prices at an arbitrary level will make things cost less, and therefore support this approach to create a living wage, affordable housing, affordable drugs and affordable health care.

You are consistently surprised when Government price fixing results in shortages, black markets and a degradation in standards and quality

You think the stock market is too risky to put retirement money into, but that a mandatory, government -run pyramid scheme, from which the government routinely borrows money using the incomes of future taxpayers as collateral, is a safe investment strategy.

You speak out on the "evils of corporate America" but spend a great deal of your time at Starbucks.

You think that the only reason Socialism/Communism hasn’t worked is because the right people haven’t been in charge.

You think that selling what people want, in order to get what you want is called “greed”

You think that everyone should have a choice about who they will work for, but employers should not have a choice about who they will hire.

You think that everyone has a right to respect , but that everyone also has a right to their own opinions.

You think the answer to ANY crime, infraction, or injustice is counseling, and that would-be criminals are deterred by long delays in the justice system, inconsistent sentencing, and the threat of parole.

You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse.

You believe that whenever there is violence, the weapon used to execute that violence is at fault.

You believe that gun-ownership laws will deter criminals from obtaining guns and using them against an unarmed, law-abiding citizenry.

You think that laws will make people living in a crack house put a trigger lock on a stolen gun

You believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear or biological weapons in the hands of the Chinese, Koreans, Iran…

You believe that dialing 911 is the best defense against someone bent on raping or murdering you.

You believe that the police responding to a 911 call shouldn’t have a gun either.

You believe that nine unelected judges should have the ability to change the social compact our nation was founded on at will, according to their personal perceptions of what society wants or needs, and that this is in accordance with the principle of Government of the people, by the people and for the people.

You believe it was wrong of Justice Moore to use his public office to block the legal removal of the ten commandments from the State Court House in Alabama, but you think its perfectly fine that Mayor Gavin Newsom of San Francisco used his public office to grant illegal Gay Marriage licenses.

You believe it is fine to disregard regulations for vote counting mandated by Florida State law in order to substitute a different, subjective procedure only in counties where the Democratic candidate has a Statistical advantage, but demand strict adherence to those same laws when it pertains military ballots that arrive without a proper postmark from a constituency that offers the Republican candidate a statistical advantage.

You think that the phrase “separation of church and state” is in the Constitution.

You think the First Amendment guarantees freedom from exposure to religious thoughts, ideas or images

You think the atheism is a religous belief protected under the first amendment, but that imposing atheism via a ban on religious expression in public is okay because Atheism is not a religion.

You believe that nativity scenes should be banned from public view, Prayer and religious materials should be banned from public schools, but that anyone objecting to pornography “only has to look the other way.”

You think that Human Rights are legally guaranteed benefits that are provided to some at the expense of others

If you think burning the United States flag should be Constitutionally protected but that burning a cross should be outlawed.

You want to outlaw cigarettes and legalize marijuana

You think Joseph McCarthy was paranoid and threatened American freedoms, but that University speech codes and politically correct polices that assume guilt and require proof of innocence, like sexual harassment and discrimination, don’t .

You see cartoons and articles condemning religions as protected under the 1st Amendment, but think the cartoon B.C. should be banned because of its occasional religious content.

You believe that any negative opinion of a group (African Americans, Women, Homosexuals) is the result of ignorance and prejudice, and feel it is appropriate to be prejudiced against anyone who has such opinions

You believe censorship of pornography, art or ideas is wrong except when religion, western culture or conservative ideas are being censored.

you believe that the press would never lie to you, because they could never get away with it because someone would call them on it, but if someone says that the press is lying, they are a “right-wing nut.”

You believe it was evil when Hitler gained political power by convincing Germans that their plight was the fault of the Jews, but applaud Jessie Jackson for doing the same thing with African Americans and Caucasians.

You believe that standardized tests are racist because other races score better than African-Americans, but when African-Americans out-score other races in Professional Basketball you call it skill.

You believe that that fairness can mean that the rules for everyone are the same, that everyone has an equal opportunity for success, and that all people end up the same result, all at the same time.

You believe that the government should make a special effort to hire members of traditionally oppressed groups, such as African-Americans (except for Clarence Thomas, Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice).

You feel a deep sense of common cause with oppressed groups, such as Hispanic immigrants (except for Cuban Americans fleeing Castro).

You deplore prejudice and bigotry in all its forms, but think that everyone in the “red states” is an idiot.

You think only white people can be racist and slavery only occurred in the United States

You believe a white man should not benefit from the color of his skin, but that EVERYONE ELSE should.

You wear a red ribbon to show your support for a cure for AIDS but oppose all animal experimentation needed to find that cure

You think homophobia is a far worse evil for society than allowing AIDS to spread, and therefore promote legislation that makes it difficult to track or warn others that they are in contact with a person who is wantonly spreading the disease.

You think that the only acceptable hate crimes are Male or Christian bashing.

You think it takes a village to raise a child, but resent it when that village tries to set and enforce standards of behavior on you.

You believe all cultures are equal, but lament the poor treatment women get in Muslim countries and the sorry state of human rights world-wide

You believe that immigrants to the United States are fooled by greedy capitalists into risking their lives crossing oceans and deserts only to become part of poverty-stricken , exploited masses, and they would be better off staying home.

You believe the principle of diversity is only followed when there is an exclusion of white culture

You think illegal immigrants should be able to attend State Colleges for in-state tuition, and using government scholarships, but American citizens from other states should have to pay Out-of-State tuition.

You believe that a woman should make it on her own, without depending on her husband (except for Hillary Clinton)

You believe that professional, working women should never be judged on their appearance (except for Katherine Harris).

You think Anita Hill is a victim and a heroine fighting rampant sexual harassment, that that date rape pervasive, domestic violence is common and that Paula Jones is a lying bimbo.

You think its sexual harassment when a CEO sleeps with an employee but think that Clinton receiving oral sex from an Intern is just fine.

You get mad when rape victims' sexual history is plastered all over the news media, but think Paula Jones' sexual history "must be made public."

You believe that commercials where women are portrayed as stupid are sexist, but commercials where men are portrayed as stupid are funny

You uphold a woman’s right to choose, unless a woman chooses adoption, chooses to be a stay-at-home mom, or chooses to home-school.

You believe that physical standards for jobs in the Police, military and Firefighting forces should be lowered for women, that different standards are fair because they are enacted in the name of equality, and believe that these lower standards will not affect the performance of these organizations.

You believe that Western progress is destroying the Earth by causing global cooling -- or warming – or maybe both.

You believe that Carbon-Dioxide is a pollutant

You support open space laws, height restrictions, zoning restrictions, density restrictions, and environmental protection laws which create legal barriers and delays in getting building permits, and then lament the lack of affordable housing, increased traffic and pollution, and the lower quality of life created by long commutes.

You think Marriage is about love, and children are an inconvenient side-effect whose care should be provided for by the government, Hillary Clinton, and her Village.

You think marriage is obsolete and outdated, but feel it is urgent need for homosexuals.

You think denying Same-Sex Marriage to homosexuals is a violation of their civil rights, because Heterosexuals can have same-sex marriages.

Your idea of “family values” was sending Elian Gonzalez back to the a Cuban re-education camp, because his daddy is a prisoner there, too

You think that a teenager's sexual behavior is uncontrollable, but hardened violent criminals should be released on parole after serving a cut sentence in a "correctional institution".

If you believe that posting the "Ten Commandments" in schools will hurt the children, but teaching S&M practices in sexual education will not.

You think streotyping makes "West Side Story" inappropriate material for High School, but the "Vagina Monologues" has a message every teenager should hear.

You think that protecting a Public School Teacher’s job is mort important than allowing poor parents a choice about where their child gets an education (just like rich people have)

You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are values-neutral

You think that two people with subjective and changing values can enter into a stable marriage.

You think it is more important to be friends with your kids than to establish a framework of discipline and rules.

You believe that Christianity should be banned because it has been used to justify wars, but are you against the profiling of Muslims.

You think that a few more months of U.N. sanctions and Saddam Hussein would have agreed to World demands, just as Hitler did not when he established an illegal troop presence in the Rhine just before World War II.

You believe the Geneva Convention applies to non-uniformed soldiers representing a power that has not signed the Geneva Convention.

You believe that it is against the Geneva Convention to immediately execute a non-uniformed enemy as a spy.

You think there is such a thing as international law, and that it conforms with the principle of government of the people, by people and for the people;

You believe that society, rather than the individuals involved, should decide how much to work for, when, where and how you will get medical attention or an education, who you can associate with, of what race and in what percentages, what is appropriate speech and if you can openly display a religious belief, but you don't consider yourself a facist or a communist.

You think fascism is an extremism of the right.

You believe that Republicans want to destroy the livelihoods of the elderly who depend on Social Security, ruin the environment, destroy the public schools, harm the poor, and turn back the clock to a time when blacks did not have civil rights.

You think Ralph Nader cares about consumers, Unions care about their members, the ACLU cares about civil liberties, the National Education Association cares about education, the People for the American Way care about the American way, and if the problems they purport to fight ceased to exist they would disband because they were no longer needed.

You think facts are subjective

You blame your lack of achievement on others and believe you are a victim

You think that the Democratic Party is politically moderate and that Europeans should vote in United States elections

You believe that Michael Moore is intellectually honest.

You believe that character assassination and name calling are valid arguments and anecdotal evidence is proof of prevalence.

You believe the most effective response to any conservative opinion is to accuse the presenter of the opinion of racism, bigotry, blind ideology, prejudice, or fear.

You believe everyone should be free to choose their own beliefs and path in life, but then consistently support policies and laws that enlarge the government and remove choices from individuals

You believe teachers, journalists and judges should use their positions to implement social engineering programs and educate people about what they should believe, do and feel.

You believe that churches are indoctrination centers for the stupid and ignorant, where they are taught incorrect and inferior ways of believing, feeling and doing,

You don't want the Christian Right imposing their morality on you, but you want to impose big government on everyone else because they won't do the “right” thing.

You Believe the vast majority of people are idiots who are easy to mislead, and you have been chosen to represent and speak for them because you beleive you are not easily misled.

You believe you are a compassionate and enlighted "person of the people", and don't see your assumed superiority as elitist or against the idea of majority rule.

You think that the term "independent judiciary" means the Judiciary are independent of the constitution and of the people

You believe those people who provide public services do so to serve the public.

You believe that everyone who voted for Bush was an idiot whose vote shouldn't count because they are uneducated morons, but abhor the thought that anyone who was too stupid to use a butterfly ballots whould not have thier vote counted.

You don’t see the irony in, nor understand the contradictory nature, of any of these statements