You know the one who you have to carefully check your guest list before inviting them, to make sure you haven’t inadvertently invited one of their exes, one of their exes new partners, one of their many partners, one of their many partners partners etc etc etc.

It turns out this whole having sex with Carl prospect has got me in quite a headspin. I can’t stop thinking about him. I’ve started sending him pictures of my tits for fucksake. I desperately want to see him. And even more, I desperately want him to purposefully ditch his girlfriend to spend time with me, because of what it means: I am more important than she is.

About 3 months ago before Carl and I decided to be “just friends” he was supposed to come to a big house party with me. I am part of an academic department filled with crazy, loud, artsy people and I wanted to take Carl along because they tend to be really fun. He originally agreed to, and then got flu. He said how sorry he was, and promised a raincheck. It never happened.

About an hour ago I received a text inviting me to another such of these, a birthday party for a friend of a friend. I immediately thought of Carl, so I texted him. I was not sure what he was going to say, because I know that Girlfriend sold her bed yesterday and is now staying at his house. Of course, they have plans. So I reminded him about the raincheck he had promised me, and that he has plans with Girlfriend that I am not invited to for the next 3 days. We had originally planned a big beach trip for this Saturday when she was sposed to be leaving on the twentieth. Now she is going, and I am not. A friend is having a party on Friday. They invited Girlfriend, and made sure not to invite me, because we don’t get invited to the same things now. It’s not that we don’t like each other. Or maybe we do. Maybe I just don’t like her. Because why would she feel threatened by me? After all, she has won. She has Carl, she apparently monopolizes all of Carl’s time, she has basically attached herself to him before she leaves. And so Girlfriend has 3 days to party with Carl, with my other friends, and I have been sidelined. Regardless, Carl says he can’t change his plans. He says he really wants to, but can’t. Do I believe him? I don’t know. So I make him promise to spend a lot of time with me next week, before I leave, making me sound like a whiny, needy, demanding annoyance.

And I hate the way this makes me feel. This is one of the biggest problems with polyamory I think. Making everyone feel important, making everyone feel wanted, desired. I hate the way this all makes me sound, because I basically want him to choose me over her. Which I know is unfair. I mean, I have a primary partner, why shouldn’t he? I suppose because I am leaving at the end of the month, and I want him all to myself before I go. She has been his primary for months. She’s gotten to sleep with him, wake up next to him, fuck him, be taken to parties by him. What have I been? Not even a secondary really. A someone that never turned into anything real. And yet I still feel so deeply for him. My emotions are all over the place. It’s like the prospect of sleeping with him has splattered them across the walls in nauseating rainbow paint. And it’s all highly irrational when looked at from a logical point of view. But whoever said emotions were rational?