Episode begins in the living room with Mark and Jill sitting on the couch.
Between them is a box wrapped in paper. They remove one piece of paper
after another to find the thing in the middle... The background sound is
jingle bells.

Mark:

When do we get to the cheese?

Jill:

Soon.

[Jill removes the last piece of paper and she grabs a little thing the
size of a cookie from the bottom of the packet. She holds it up and looks
at it. Mark takes one too]

Jill:

This can't be right.

Mark:

It's so small.

Jill:

I had no idea when I ordered this that it was actual size.

[Tim opens the main door and waits]

Tim:

Come on, come on. Hurry up. Let's go. It's about the time for the
official lighting of the Christmas extravaganza. Brad! Randy!

Jill:

They're not here.

Tim:

Where did they go?

Jill:

They are still collecting money for the school Christmas drive.

Tim:

Oh, it can't wait. They can see it later. Come on, come on...

Cut to outside so you see Tim, Jill and Mark outside the front door.

Jill:

Oh Honey. I hope you didn't get back into this whole competition
thing with Doc Johnson again this year.

Tim:

Please, I'm past it, okay? I have nothing to prove. This year I'm
going for a, like, low key approach. [Jill knows that he's not] All
right, when I flick this switch, it's gonna be kind of bright, so
you're gonna need this sun glasses. [He hands them a pair of sun
glasses each and they wear them]

Jill:

Oh Tim!

Tim:

Don't look directly at the snowman.

[Tim turns on the light and you hear an electric noise to give you the
impression of high voltage. There's also an extreme bright light directly
at them. Jill looks away. Pause for about 5 seconds while the audience
laughs!]

Mark:

Mom, Dad? Where did you go?

Jill:

We are still here.

[Opening credits]

Cut to the kitchen, a few hours later.

[Brad and Randy come in from outside. Tim is in the kitchen]

Randy:

Hi!

Brad:

Hey!

Tim:

Hi guys! Pretty awesome lights out there, huh?

Randy:

It's really hot out there. I don't know if all that the straw around
the baby Jesus is such a great idea.

Tim:

Randy! He's the son of God. He'll be fine.

Brad:

Dad, everyone in the whole neighborhood is standing outside of our
house. And they don't look too happy.

Tim:

Oh, everyone in the whole neighborhood is out there?! [The next
sentence is unclear, but I guess he says the same as the first so I
haven't written it] Is Mrs. Swanson out there with those stupid drop
ear rings?! Over the door, she's right there?!

[Tim heads for the door and opens it. The bright light falls in. You hear
the whole neighborhood shouting at Tim to shut the light off. He closes
the door again]

Tim:

You know, maybe I should put a dimmer on that. Wouldn't that be a good
idea? [To Randy and Brad] So how did you guys do on that Christmas
drive?

[Jill comes from behind]

Jill:

[To Randy and Brad] Yeah. You were gone a long time. You must have
been working really hard.

Randy:

Yeah. We walked, like, 300 miles around the whole neighborhood.

Jill:

You're doing a good thing. Now, why don't you go wash up for dinner?

[Jill turns on her food processor and it runs for a second or so and the
lights go out and the machine as well]

Jill:

Tim, Honey! Can we just turn down the Christmas light 'til after
dinner is cooked?

Tim:

Maybe that'll be a good idea.

[Tim sneaks outside and turns the switch off. The bright light goes out
and the light inside comes back. You hear all the neighbors cheer in
appreciation. He waves back at them]

Cut to Randy and Brad's room.

[Randy counts the money they have collected]

Randy:

86 - 87 - 88 - 89 - 90! 90 dollars and 24 cents.

Brad:

That's a major amount of money.

Randy:

We made 90 bucks.

Brad:

If we made 90 bucks a day and we worked for 7 days, we would make,
like, 200 bucks! [Short pause]

Randy:

Brad! Your math tutor must be proud! [Walks on the furniture and
closes the door] This is more money than we've ever had on our bed
before.

Brad:

Yeah, if the money was ours we could buy 30 "Rooster Man" comic books.

Randy:

Yeah, and we could get "Barbarian II" for Game Boy.

Brad:

Yeah. Too bad you don't get paid for collecting for charity.

Randy:

If we were working at a regular job, we'd get paid salary. How much
do you think Dad makes?

Brad:

3 bucks an hour.

Randy:

Yeah, and Al does most of the work. I mean, we worked hard, and I'm
wearing out my shoes.

Brad:

So?

Randy:

So.

[Randy takes one of the collections cups and begins to count the money.
When he says "Charity", he puts a bill in the cup]

Randy:

Charity - Charity - Two for us.

Brad:

I don't know. This is all supposed to go to charity.

Randy:

It will. I'm just taking out a little bit for business expenses.
Besides - Mom always says: "Charity begins at home."

Cut to the TV studio back stage.

[Tim sits in front of a mirror and makes himself ready. Maureen comes in
with a hatbox]

[Maureen and Al hum some music, probably something from The Manhattan
Transfer repertoire]

Maureen:

Oh the Tool Time gang. Sitting around the fireplace all cuddly and
cosy sipping cider with cinnamon sticks.

Tim:

Put a nail and a gun into my temple and kill me right now!

Maureen:

Okay. Time to get the promo rolling. The sled is set. Let's make
magic! [Backs out clapping her hands]

[Tim runs after Maureen but Al stops him]

Al:

Tim, Tim, Tim. Come on. Let's be good for goodness sake.

Tim:

All right, all right. But I'm driving. [Runs to the stage]

Cut to the stage.

[Al has stopped him]

Al:

Oh wait a minute. Tim, Tim. Tim! You know, it's against union rules to
let an elf drive a sleigh.

Tim:

What?!

Al:

Besides.. Your legs...

Tim:

[Looks down] What about them?

Al:

They are just a LITTLE TOO SHORT! [Runs to the sleigh]

Tim:

Al, AL!

[Al sits up on the red motor sled with fake snow on it. In the back
there's a blue screen]

Al:

Oh ho HO HO ho.

Tim:

Just remember, it's not over 'til it's over, fat boy!

Al:

Oh no, wait a minute Tim. Let's be professional about this. This is for
charity, it's for the children. The least you can do... is to wear your
little elf hat. [Gives it to Tim and laughs. Tim wears it]

Maureen:

[Through a loud speaker] Remember, Tim. To make the show machine
work, you just hit that button on the back of the sled.

Tim:

Yes Maureen. I remember. I'm the one that designed it. Do you recall?

Al:

Huh?

Maureen:

In 5 - 4 - 3 - 2...

[We see the picture from through the camera. The blue screen is replaced
with a shot of a camera flying over a runway so it looks like Al and Tim
on the sled is flying. Snow comes down in front of the sled. 15 seconds
later, the background changes to flying over a mountain]

Tim:

Look out for that mountain Al. [Blindfolds him with his hands. Removes
his hands again]

[Al turns the sled to the right and then to the left so he turns around
the mountain. The background cuts to a show high in the air with a
jetplane in back]

Al:

Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas. Join me Santa and Tim "The [laughs] Elfman"
Taylor for a very special Christmas Tool Time. We'll be kicking off
our...

[Tim takes out a hand grenade and activates it. He drops it into the sled.
Al takes it and throws it out. Background changes to a shot from an old
black and white western film - a chase from a cavalry. Tim takes out a
gun and shoots at the horseriders]

Al:

We'll be kicking off our annual 'Tools for
Tods' drive to raise money to build
playgrounds in the Detroit area. Helping us out is our very special
guest: The Manhattan Transfer. Until then... On Donner, on Blitzen, on
Comet... [There's a lot of snow falling now and Al is almost choking
on it]

[Background changes to a show flying over the mountain again]

Tim:

What's the matter Santa? Have you never flown in a blizzard before?

[Tim presses the button and a lot of snow comes in and knocks him of the
sled. He screams]

Al:

Tim?

Cut to kitchen.

[Randy and Brad are preparing for going out and collecting more money. Jill
walks around with a box of Christmas ornaments]

Jill:

Where are you two going? I thought you were gonna help me put these
ornaments on the tree.

Brad:

We are going back out collecting.

Jill:

Wow! You guys are troopers. You did this all day yesterday and this
morning.

Randy:

Yeah. Well, we only made 5 dollars this morning.

Jill:

Well, that is 5 dollars that the charity didn't have before you
started. You are making a contribution. [Kisses Randy's head] You
should be really proud of yourselves.

Randy:

Yeah. Well, we are. Thanks a lot, Mom.

Jill:

Bye, bye.

[Brad and Randy go out to the garden. Jill puts down the ornaments box on
a chair]

Randy:

Bye.

Brad:

Bye.

[Tim comes in from the front]

Tim:

Honey, why did you turn the light off of Frosty?

Jill:

There was a plane headed for our house Tim. [She finds some comic
books] "Rooster Man"... "Rooster Man". There's a whole stack of
these.

Tim:

It's a great comic.

Jill:

"Barbarian II"... Game Boy. Did you buy them this? I didn't buy them
this.

Tim:

No, but I wanted it.

Jill:

Did you buy them these comics?

Tim:

Ah-ah. [No] But I bet Nana gave them some Christmas money last
week-end. [Tim finds a watch] I don't believe it! This is the coolest
watch in the world! "Time Commander Chronograph".

Jill:

What is that doing in Brad's backpack?

Tim:

They're my boys. They love me. It's probably my Christmas present.

Jill:

How could they afford that?

Tim:

They are saving their allowance or something. You know, this has three
time zones, it's own built-in alarm. It's good to a 120 metres under
water. You could be drowning and still know exact what time it is in
Guam. [He sits down on the chair with the box of ornaments. He jumps
up and says this very fast] Ornaments, ornaments, ornaments, ornaments!

Jill:

Whoa!

[Tim jumps around and Jill tries to get the splinters out of his behind]

Jill:

You sat on a glass reindeer.

Tim:

Pull it. Go!

Jill:

You've got an antler up your butt!

Tim:

Pull it out of there.

Jill:

Hey okay. Just stop bouncing around. You're gonna get glass all
around the floor.

Tim:

Well thanks for your concern.

Jill:

Outside!

[They go out]

Cut to outside where Tim and Jill go to the garbage bin.

Tim:

Ow. Ah. Come here. Pull this one. You got that out of there?

[Jill removes the splinters and throws them in the bin]

Jill:

Well, I think so. You'll find out when you sit down.

Wilson:

Hi ho ho ho good neighbors!

[Tim and Jill walk to the fence]

Jill:

Merry Christmas, Wilson!

Wilson:

Jill... I wanna to thank you for that very lovely Smokey Farms gift
box.

Jill:

I'm so sorry. I didn't realise that those little cheese logs were
actual size.

Wilson:

Well don't be sorry. They went perfectly with the little bottle of
rum I got from the airlines. And this is for you, good neighbors,
fresh from the oven. [Hands them a cake]

Jill:

Oh thank you. What is it?

Wilson:

That is a plumcake. On Christmas Eve, the people of Hertfordshire,
England take the cake, stick it on a cow's horn. Then they throw
cider in her face.

[Pause for about five seconds while the audience laughs. Tim and Jill just
stare at Wilson]

Tim:

[To Jill] The malls close early over there. [Jill laughs]

Wilson:

No no no Tim. If the cow flips the cake forward it means it's going
to be a good harvest.

Jill:

Oh. Well, that's very thoughtful of you Wilson.

Wilson:

Well Jill, It's all part of the spirit of Christmas giving which you
seem to have enstilled in Randy and Brad. The look of joy on their
little faces when I gave them that 10 dollar contribution for
charity this morning. I was really quite moved. [Jill looks worried]

Jill:

Wait a minute, did you say 10 dollars?

Wilson:

All the cash I had, Jill. They wouldn't take a check. Well feliz
navidad, good neighbors. [He sings something while he walks inside
his house]

Jill:

Did you hear that?

Tim:

Sure did. He can't carry a tune at all!

Jill:

No, he said that he gave them 10 dollars. Tim, they told me that they
only collected 5 dollars the whole morning.

Tim:

[Grunting] Hoh hoh hoh. [Like he would say "Aha"]

Jill:

The watch, the video game, the comic books. They're stealing from the
charity or from your dresser drawer or something.

Tim:

I don't leave money in my dresser drawer, you take it.

Jill:

Well, then they are stealing from the charity.

[Commercial break]

Cut to kitchen where Tim and Jill present evidence against Brad and Randy.

Jill:

[Gives something to Tim. Is it a CD?] I found this in Bugsy's drawer.
[Handing him some comics] These were in Baby Face's dresser. Wait
'til I get my hands on those...

Tim:

[Showing Jill a little box] And I found this in Brad's little book
bag. A locket. Maybe your Christmas present. [Gives it to Jill]

Jill:

How nice. I can put their little mug shots in it. What are we gonna
say to them?

Tim:

Tell you what I'm gonna say: "The locket goes back. Thanks for the
watch!"

[Brad and Randy come home]

Brad:

Mom, we're home.

Tim:

Well, well. Look who's home!

Jill:

Uh-um. [Covers all the evidence on the table with a blanket] How did
it go?

Brad:

Oh, okay.

Tim:

How much money do you think you brought in today?

Brad:

Uh, around 20 dollars.

Jill:

[Serious] So with the 5 that you brought in this morning that would
make 25?

Brad:

Yeah, that's a lot, huh?

Randy:

And plus the money from the rest of the week.

[Jill removes the blanket from the table, revealing the items]

Tim:

Who wants to go first? [Short pause]

Brad:

I will. Uh... It was Randy's idea.

Randy:

Thanks a lot Brad!

Brad:

It was! [They begin to fight. Tim separates them]

Tim:

Sit down on the couch. Sit down. Both of you, sit down. Tell where you
came up with a stupid idea like this.

Brad:

Well, we were gonna give you really neat Christmas gifts.

Tim:

Don't give me that!

Jill:

Yeah, I can't live without "Rooster Man".

Randy:

Well, the watch is for you, Dad.

Tim:

And the locket is for Mom?

Brad:

No that's for Jennifer.

[Pause for the audience to laugh. Tim doesn't know what to say]

Jill:

You just don't get it, do you? That money was supposed to go to the
Oak Lane Children's Centre. You stole money out of the hands of
kids, who have next to nothing for Christmas.

Randy:

Well, we weren't going to take all of it, just some of it.

Jill:

Some of it or all of it, it was still stealing.

Brad:

We'll do extra chores to work off the money.

Tim:

You're darn right you'll do extra chores to work off the money. And
then you are gonna go back to the stores and take this stuff back and
get the money for it.

Jill:

And then you're gonna go back to the shelter, you're gonna take in
the money, and you're gonna tell them that you stole it.

Brad:

But Mom. They're gonna think we are thieves.

Randy:

[Slaps Brad's leg] Good Brad! [Short pause]

Jill:

I think you should just go up to your rooms and think about what you
did. You can just stay up there for the rest of the night.

[They leave. Tim looks like he doesn't like that they have punished them
so hard]

Cut to TV studio.

[I have to describe the cut. The picture from the kitchen becomes a leaf
that turns around and flies out of the picture of the TV studio. But the
back side of the picture is a WANTED poster with the picture of Brad and
Randy with big draw-on red elf hats. Randy has a drawn-on big moustache.
Underneath Brad's picture, it says: "Baby Face Brad" and under Randy's
"Bugsy Randy." Underneath the names it says "REWARD!!!"
Well, back to the TV studio. The show has just started. The music is the
Tool Time theme and Tim enters the set. In the back there's a big chimney
with Tim, Al, Maureen and Lisa's socks]

Tim:

Thank you very much. Oh it's gonna be a lot of fun today. We're gonna
have a lot of Tim Taylor Holiday Hints. Like putting up outdoor
lighting and get you whole neighborhood together.

[Sits down on a chair in front of the chimney. Jingle bells can be heard]

Al:

[Obviously from the chimney] Ho ho ho.

Tim:

Don Ho? I don't think so. Saint Nick, and I wouldn't be a bit
surprised if old Saint Nick slid out of this chimney a little later
and hand gifts out to the whole audience.

Al:

Ho ho ho.

Tim:

[Shouts up in the chimney] Not yet. NOT YET! What I wanna do first is
to introduce the musical guests. No, we couldn't get the barking dogs.
[The audience sounds disappointed] But we've got a group that sounds a
lot like 'em. Ha ha. Just kidding. I would like to introduce: The
Manhatten Transfer, ladies and gentlemen.

[The audience claps and The Manhattan Transfer enters the stage. Tim shakes
hand with them one after one]

Tim:

Well, it's good to have you here. I've gotta admit, I'm a big fan. I
always wanted to know. Who is Manhattan and who is Transfer?

Tim H:

Yeah right, right. Now that's the name of the group Tim. Come on. We
have our own names.

[The studio audience claps. Tim plays a note. The Manhattan Transfer sings
"Santa Claus is coming to town". The whole song is sung without
interruption. But there's a lot happening at the same time. I've tried to
describe it the best I can. The song is written in capital letters]

Alan:

One... Two... One Two...

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, YOU BETTER NOT CRY
YOU BETTER NOT POUT, I'M TELLING YOU WHY
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

Cut.

[Shows Tim sitting with a pipe in his mouth showing a Christmas present]

Cut back.

HE'S MAKING A LIST, CHECKING IT TWICE

Cut.

[Shows Tim again waving a finger and mimes the text]

Cut back.

GOTTA FIND OUT WHO'S NAUGHTY OR NICE

[They turn around and walk away from the chimney so we can see it]

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

Al:

[From the chimney] Ho ho ho.

[Al slides down but not all the way. He's stuck in the middle]

HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING

Al:

Tim!

[Tim puts his pipe down and gets up]

HE KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE

[Tim and Tim sit down in front of the chimney. Tim (Taylor) has a fake
smile on his face trying to save the situation]

HE KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN BAD OR GOOD

Al:

SO BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE [From the chimney]

[Manhattan Tim gets up and sings with the other out of shot. Tim turns
around and looks up in the chimney]

[They appear to be finished singing. Tim waves at them to make them start
again]

ALL THE BOYS AND GIRLS...

[The shot is on Tim. He waves at the cameraman to show the singers. Tim
walks out back stage]

Al:

Tim! Tim! Where are you going?

... THE SHOWMAN SOON WILL PLAY
AND THEY'RE SURE TO GET THEIR WISHES MET

[Tim comes from back stage with a chain saw. He stops when the audience
notices him and rocks with the chain saw to the rhythm of the music]

WHEN THEY HEAR THE WORDS WE SAY
YOU'D BETTER WATCH OUT, YOU'D BETTER NOT CRY
YOU'D BETTER NOT POUT, I'M TELLING YOU WHY

[Tim dances around the chain saw. He sits down in front of the singers and
mimes]

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING, SANTA CLAUS IS COMING

Al:

Tim!

[Tim walks behind the chimney and the singers in front]

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

[On "TOWN" Tim appears at the left of the chimney and walks back again]

TO TOOOOOWN

[Tim appears again and walks back this time rocking the chain saw]

Al:

Tim!

TO TOOOOOOOOOOOWN

[Tim appears again and this time waving his hat]

Al:

Tim will you get me out of here.

LOOK OUT OL' SANTA IS BACK

Al:

Don't use a chain saw. Just pull me out.

YEAAH!

[On "YEAH" the chain saw is turned on. Sawdust is seen behind the chimney]

Al:

Tim! Don't cut through this!

Cut to Brad and Randy's room.

[They are entering]

Brad:

Boy, I'm glad that's over.

Randy:

Yeah, tell me about it. Can you believe all those kids down at the
shelter?

Brad:

Yeah, they didn't have anything. And we're stealing money from them.

Randy:

We have lots of stuff. I guess we got it pretty good, huh? Come on,
let's clean up our room.

Brad:

It was kind of weird the way those kids were staring at us.

Randy:

They were staring at you. You just stood there making monkey sounds.
Uh-uh. [He sounds like when someone punches you in the stomach]

Brad:

That's because Mom was poking me in the ribs.

Randy:

She wanted you to say something. I had to apologise for the both of
us.

Brad:

So? I had to give them the money. [Brad picks up a toy gun] You don't
ever play with this, do you Randy?

Randy:

No, not really.

Brad:

Me neither. We could give it to the shelter.

Randy:

Hey, great idea.

Brad:

[Picks up a helicopter] We don't play with this either. [Picks up
something. I can't see what is] And this is Mark's.

Randy:

[Picks up a cushion cover, I think] Dump it!

Brad:

Randy... Do you really think Dad's gonna hang our pictures up at the
post office.

Randy:

I hope you're kidding.

Brad:

[Opens a drawer] Oh we can give them these.

Randy:

[Opens a closet] Okay, and there's a lot of stuff in here.

Cut to living room.

[Tim, Jill and Mark are sitting watching "Tool Time" on TV. We see that Al
has been cut down and some people are carrying him out still stuck in a
piece of chimney. He is shouting something at Tim, but we can't hear]

Jill:

Poor Al.

Mark:

He looked so mad. What was he saying?

Tim:

He was... He was saying "Merry Christmas and have a happy New Year Tim".

[Brad and Randy come down with all the toys]

Jill:

[To Brad and Randy] So did you clean up your room?

Randy:

Almost, but we wanted to bring this down.

Tim:

What?

Randy:

Well, we were just going through some of our toys and we thought
that maybe the kids out at the shelter could use them.

Jill:

That's a really sweet idea.

Brad:

Well, they're just some toys that we don't play with that much
anymore. Like this. [Points at the head of a robot sticking it's head
out of the sack]

Randy:

Or this. [Takes out a little football game]

Tim:

[Points at the game] Wait a minute. That's "Tournament Football". I
still play with that thing.

Randy:

Dad!

Tim:

All right, it's Christmas. But remember I'm still high-scoring that
thing.

Jill:

I think this is a really good idea. We'll take it back to the shelter
tomorrow.

Randy:

We have some more stuff in the basement.

Jill:

Hey, we will just gather everything up that you don't play with.

Brad:

[To Mark, opening the sack] Okay. Mark, jump in.

Mark:

Shut up! [Gets up and leaves] I'm gonna get some toys.

Jill:

Okay.

[Tim and Jill go back to watching TV. The Manhattan Transfer is singing]

Jill:

Gosh, they are so good.

Tim:

Yeah, but they are no barking dogs. Huuuuu.

[Tim takes a piece of mistletoe and holds it over Jill and kisses her. The
camera begins to pan up towards to Christmas tree in the back. You hear
some beeping... It's Tim's new watch]

Jill:

Tim, I thought you said you were gonna return that watch.

Tim:

I'm going to. Look! My blood pressure. It's rising!

[The camera reaches the star at the top of the tree. Underneath a message
appears: PEACE ON EARTH]

[Jill walks behind the kitchen counter and picks up a big lump of melted
plastic. You can see a big pipe sticking out of it. It obviously a melted
snowman]

Jill:

Does this look familiar?

Tim:

[Takes the plastic] Frosty?

Jill:

He had a power surge and suffered a meltdown.

CREDITS

[This scene wasn't used in the episode but is shown along with the
credits. It's more from the scene where Tim, Jill and Mark watches the
snowman wearing sun glasses. The bright light is very sharp. Tim tries to
impress Jill and Mark. Jill keeps rubbing Mark]

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