A Life Lived In Legos

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Not so long ago, in this very galaxy, Matt and Amy sat down to a nice, quiet dinner of space scallops from Santraginus V. Their chauffeur and sometime monkey-butler, Chewbacca, kept the star drive of their leisure space-yacht idling just in case they needed to make a quick getaway.

Amy: Matt, these space scallops are the best I’ve ever had! I know I say this a lot, but you’re such a great cook. I mean, you’re really great at a lot of things: writing, watching TV, thinking up simple solutions to complex problems, literary exegesis, video games, building lego models, listening attentively and with empathy, yo-yoing, coming to a full stop at stop signs, academic advising, badminton, putting together furniture from Ikea, being handsome…

Matt: In fact, I think you might be the most amazing person I’ve ever met.Amy: Me? Noooo.Matt: You, yes! Sending you that dorky facebook message about Jurassic Park was probably the best thing I’ve ever done.Han Solo: Hey, what’s going on down there?

Matt: Do you know I don’t think I’ve ever seen you answer a question without thinking about it first? I don’t know anyone else who does that.Amy: So?Matt: So? So it’s amazing! It’s beautiful! I wish I had the presence of mind to be that thoughtful, and for you it’s just who you are. I love it.Princess Leia: Han, where have you been? You said you would meet me an hour ago!Han: Hey, babe, simmer down. Check out the two lovebirds down there.

Matt: And the amount of time and energy you put into teaching…Amy: Well, that’s my job.Matt: Sure, it’s your job. Lots of people have jobs. I have a job. You have…I don’t know, a calling. I mean, I’ve always wanted to be a writer. Since playing with legos was age-appropriate “always.” And I don’t think I’m half as dedicated to that as you are to the kids who get randomly assigned to your classroom every year. All the things you do with them, for them – the way you teach them to actually love going to school. The way you teach them to love vegetables. Vegetables! That’s inspiring stuff.Amy: Now you’re embarrassing me.Leia: Awww, they are kind of cute. In an earthlingy sort of way.

Matt: Sorry, I guess I’m just trying to say I love you.Amy: I know.Yoda: Oooh, a great surge of love, I feel.Obi-Wan Kenobi: Master Yoda, over there.Luke Skywalker: What is it, I can’t see!Obi-Wan: Raise your blast shield, Luke. For crying out loud…

Matt: You know, I remember the exact instant I fell in love with you.Amy: When?Matt: It was fast. Maybe, I think, the second time I came to Boston to visit you. I don’t remember the date, but I’ll never forget that moment.Amy: What happened?Darth Vader: Now’s our chance, while they’re distracted! We jump on three…Boba Fett: …

Matt: It was in the morning. Early. You weren’t awake yet. Everything was still, everything was quiet. This was before you put up those extra heavy drapes, and there was a little light coming in through the window. It must have been the start of Spring – it was nice, crisp Spring light. I looked over at you lying there next to me, and when I did it was like…like I don’t know what. You just looked…you looked perfect. The way your hair fell across your face, your little sleeping smile, the light, the quiet, the peace. I just knew, I knew right then.Admiral Akbar: It’s a trap!Vader: Akbar, you little fish-faced freak!R2-D2: Beep-boop BEEP!Vader: Look over there? Is that supposed to be some kind of trick…oh…

Matt: Is that corny? It feels a little corny.Amy: Hmm…maybe…but I don’t think I care.Matt: Well, anyway, it’s true. It’s something I’ve actually wanted to tell you for a while. I don’t know why it took so long to come out. I guess I can run a little slow sometimes.Amy: With your old-man heart, you shouldn’t be running at all!Matt: It’s not that old!Amy: You know what happens when you run.Matt: I know. Well, there’s something else I’ve been a little slow with, too.Boba Fett: [Gasp!] Is he about to do what I think he’s about to do?Leia: I’ve got to hear this.Obi-Wan: Quiet now, don’t let them know we’re here.

Amy: What do you mean?Matt: I mean…what do I mean? I mean, I love you. I love the life we have together now, and I love the life I think we’ll have tomorrow and next week and next year. I want to share my life with you. I’m excited to share my life with you. It looks like a great life. Because…because you’re my favorite, and I guess what I mean is, I want to marry you.

Vader: Mmmmmmmmmm….Stormtrooper: Psst – hey, Red, nothing’s happening.
Vader: Mmmmmmmmmm…..
Stormtrooper: It’s not even shaking. Usually it shakes, at least.
Vader: MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!Stormtrooper: I bet if Yoda were here, he could crack into that thing.
Vader: Enough! Do you know why it’s not working? It’s because you were born! I think it’s time I correct that unfortunate mistake.
Stormtrooper: No, it was a joke – ackgackcack!Imperial Guard: My Lord, someone’s coming, I think we should take cover.
Vader: Fine, let’s hide over by those incongruous, pastel-colored pieces of sheet metal. I’ll deal with you later, Stormtrooper.

Han Solo: Hey, Chewie, hurry up! I found something shiny! Boy, I bet there’s something fancy in here. I wonder how you get inside…I better look around for cracks. Chewie? Now, where’d that fuzzball go?

Chewbacca: AuughaAAh-*trip*-oooAAggghh!-*BONK!*
Chain Chomp: Bark!
Han: Chewie, you did it! You found the…giant…mushroom? What the heck? Well, treasure is treasure, let me just get under here, and…
*POOF!*

Han: Whoa! Chewie, check me out – I’m huge! Look how big my muscles are now. Chewie? Hey, quit laying around and come see how awesome I look! I think I even got more handsome.

Meanwhile…
Darth Vader: Look at that! Such power…if I were that huge, the rebellion would be no match at all. Stormtrooper!
Stormtrooper: Yes, sir!
Vader: Go distract Solo while I come up with a plan to extract that powerful fungus from his body.

Chain Chomp: Bark. Bark bark.
Vader: What do you mean, my plan won’t work? What could someone so round and metallic possibly understand about the ways of the Force?
Chain Chomp: Bark!
Vader: Midichlorians? Bah, supsupersititious claptrap. I’ll show you the true power of this “ancient religion.”

Vader: Solo, you have no idea of the power that has fallen into your lap. It belongs rightfully to me, and I intend to take it.
Chain Chomp: Bark.
Vader: Quiet, you! Now, Solo, feel the power of the Force! Mmmmmmmmmm….
…
Han: Huh, is that what the force feels like? Kind of tickles.
Chain Chomp: Bark bark.
Vader: Arrgh!! I said, quiet you stupid ball of lead – enough of these games!

Chain Chomp: Bark! Bark!
Han: Whoa, hey, hang on a second here. Let’s not do anything we’re going to regret in the morning.

Chain Chomp: Bark! Bark bark!
Han: Oh, no, my beautiful face!

Han: Oooh, what happened? Why am I so small again?
Vader: This is indeed a mysterious world with it’s own mysterious rules. But the most important rule of all is don’t make the Sith Lord angry. I hope you enjoy your last few moments alive, Solo.
Chewbacca: ooooAAAGGh?
Han: Chewie, this is all your fault for running into that box! I hope you’ve got a plan to get us out of here.

Chewbacca: OOOAAGHHGAA!!
Han: Hey, nice work, Chewie!

Han: See you later, suckers!
Vader: Gah!! Scoundrels! Fools! I hate everything and none of this is my fault! Ohhh…I could just eat an entire cheesecake…

Leia: Chewie, we staged this intervention because you need to know…Han: It’s your HAIR, Chewie. It’s matted. It’s unkempt. You’re going to start to smell. Have some pride, Chewie!Yoda: You, we like. The hair, it is a problem.Chewie: AUNGHHGHHHH! UNNGHGHHRRRN!Admiral Ackbar: We know it’s hard to brush that much hair, Chewie. But you need to make an effort! And don’t scoff at my soft, hairless scalp. The ladies love it!Chewie: NNARRRNGGHH…

Yoda: His feelings, we hurt.Leia: I know, Yoda, but it’s what’s best for him in the end.Han: Yeah, he’ll thank us when he sees what a stud he could be. Besides. He looked like the smelly kid. I don’t need to be associated with that.R2D2: Beep boop.Han: Shut it, Artoo.Yoda: Weird-looking we both are. More understanding, Ackbar should be. Weird-looking, he is too. But, hurt feelings, you shouldn’t have. Care about you, everyone does!Chewie: GRAAAARGHNNAH. AUNNNGH!Yoda: Yes. Fish face he does have. But, right you are. Forward we must move. A comb you must purchase. Happy you will be!Chewie: RRRRRRRRRANNNNGHHHH!

Chewie: GRRRRRRRRRAAAHHHNNGHHH!Yoda: Farnsworth! To see you, it is good! Long time, it has been!Farnsworth: Well hellooooo Yoda! Hellooooo Chewie!Yoda: Moustache you’ve got! New that is?Farnsworth: You like my mouuuustache? It is newwwwww and floppy!Chewie: ANNNNNNNNGHHHH RAUUUUUNGH!Farnsworth: Yes, difficult to grooooooom, but very worth it!

Leia: Farnsworth! It’s wonderful to see you!Han: Fantastic moustache, man!Farnsworth: Youuuuu like it?Admiral Ackbar: I like it so much I feel like IT’S A TRAP!R2D2: Beep beep boop beepFarnsworth: Well, everyooooone, I didn’t know how the mouuuustache would go over, but it seems like a smashing success! Wonderfuuuuuul! I must be going but I’m suuuuure we’ll bump into each other again sooooon! Tata!

Farnsworth: Doodley doooo, I’m dancin’ my way off to the zoooooo…

Han: Did you see his incredible moustache? Do you think I could pull off a mustache like that?Admiral Ackbar: You’ve got a better chance than me. My smooth and supple skin can’t support even a strand of hair.Leia: Even I’m jealous of that moustache!R2D2: Boop beep boop boopHan: No way, Artoo. You’d look stupid with that moustache, not me!R2D2: Beeeeeep boop boooop…Han: We’ll see, won’t we?

THE NEXT DAY…

Yoda: Farnsworth! Again bumping into you!Leia: Now you have an awesome hat, too? Who are you, Farnsworth?Admiral Ackbar: Farnsworth, notice anything different about us today?R2D2: Beep beep boop beepFarnsworth: Welllll helloooooo again! Loooook at you all! You’re fancy! You’re the beeeeees kneeeees! Come, come! Weeeee must show everybodyyyyy!

Chewie: GRAAAAAGH! AUGGGGH RAAAAAH RAAAAAAAUGH!Admiral Ackbar: Whoa, low blow there, Chew-meister. This mustache, though fake, is classy. Well-kempt, I might add…R2D2: Beep boop beep beep beep boop.Chewie: RAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRAAWWWRRRRR.Admiral Ackbar: You both have valid points. Artoo, a bird’s nest has much more order in its construction than the snarls in his fur. Chewie, robots with moustaches are the wave of the future. Just you wait. Don’t hate on it.R2D2: Beep.

Chewie: RAAAAWRRR! GRRRRRRAWWWWRRRAAAAAHH! GRR RAARR AUUUUGHHHRRR.Han: C’mon now, Chewie. There’s no need for that. Leia looks hot, even with a moustache.Yoda: Moustaches we wanted. Look good, do we. Hate us for that, you should not.Leia: Chewie, we were only trying to help. Being rude now won’t change any of that.Admiral Ackbar: He’s just jealous of how easily we can keep our hair looking nice.Chewie: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!Leia: Admiral, that wasn’t necessary. And, he’s right. All your hair is fake. There’s no keeping it, except for the glue.

Chewie: GRAAAH. ARRGH RAAAH GRAAAAUGHH RAAAAWRRRRGH.Farnsworth: They did that to youuuuu? But your fur…it’s beauuuuuutiful! They’re nuuuuuts.Chewie: RAAAAAAGGGHHHH!Farnsworth: I just loooooove your fur. Let them talk.

THE NEXT DAY…

Farnsworth: Doodley dooooo…dooo doooo doooooooo!Han: Uh, hey Farnsworth.Farnsworth: Hellloooooo! Lovely to see youuuuu!Ackbar: Uh, Farnsworth –Leia: What’s the deal with the fur?Yoda: Great was the moustache but gross is the fur.Farnsworth: I thought we were doooooing National Admire Someone Else’s Hair Weeeeeek! Your mouuuuustaches? My fuuuuuur?

Farnsworth: Chewieeee! A hug? For meeee?Chewie: GRRRRAAAAAAH!Farnsworth: They loved my moustache and they copied it. I thought that was the thing to dooooo! Now I can look just like youuuu!

Chewie: HAHAHA! ARRRUGHHHH! RAAWRRRRH HAH HAH!Han: Now, Chewie, it’s not nice to gloat.Leia: And your hair really did need a good brushing.Chewie: BWAAAAAA GURAAAAH HUAAAANGHHH!Yoda: Right you are, Chewie. Sorry we should be.Farnsworth: Meee? The coooolest one on the block? Unbeeeeelievable!Admiral Ackbar: IT’S ALWAYS A TRAP! Moustaches? I should have stayed home.

When we last saw our crew, Han Solo had just been captured by Boba Fett, who was bringing him back to The Evil Monkey Warlord of planet Lophocebus. Han had “poached” space bananas from Lophocebus and The Evil Monkey Warlord wanted his head. Literally.

“FOOL!” shouted The Evil Monkey Warlord as he bapped Boba Fett across a giant hill. “Evil Monkey Warlords don’t get to be evil warlords by paying others to do their dirty work! They use and abuse people! You, a bounty hunter, should know better!”
“Not again!” moaned Boba Fett as he rolled down the other side of the giant hill.

“Now, what to do with you, Han Solo? So many choices. I could have you go in the Colosseum of Long Monkey Tails where you’ll be whipped until you beg to be killed. Or I could drop you into a vat of banana cream where you’ll surely drown – or suffocate – to death. I could put you at the top of a very tall tree with few branches and let you stay there, roasting in the sun, unable to get down. I could hang you by your ankles over a pit of sharp spikes, letting you watch and feel the vines slowly, slowly break -”
“Wait now. I get all those other forms of torture and death. I mean, you’re monkeys. Bananas and tails and climbing trees, but a pit of sharp spikes? It just doesn’t fit,” Han observed.
“Shut it, you. For that, I’ll give you the worst punishment. The banana-shaped pit of spikes and monsters. I’m an evil warlord. I like spikes. Is the banana shape good enough for you?”
“Uh, well, if you’re asking then the answer is no. I think you have to be more clever than that,” Han answered, hoping to out-clever the monkey.
“Nice try, Han Solo,” said The Evil Monkey Warlord. “The banana-shaped pit is your destiny.”

He hauled Han up to the edge of the pit and dangled him over it, preparing to drop him in.

“No! Wait! I have a better idea! I’ll make you jump in yourself! And if you don’t do it in a short enough time, then I’ll bap you in. You’ll never know when it’s coming, so you’ll have to decide whether it’s best for you to just do it yourself! MUAHAHAHA!” The Evil Monkey Warlord laughed his evil warlord laugh.

While The Evil Monkey Warlord was plotting and planning and Han Solo was panicking, Luke, Leia, and Chewie finally made their way to planet Lophocebus. They struggled up the hill and were waiting for the right moment to strike when they heard the conversation between The Evil Monkey Warlord and Han.

“Look, Evil Monkey Warlord. Surely we can negotiate some kind of deal. I know this gal…she likes to dress up in skimpy gold bikinis and act out slave fantasies. Great gal…” Han started.
“Why I ought to…” Leia said. “The nerve of him! And just when I was feeling bad, just when I was about to rescue him!”
“I have no interest in skimpy gold bikinis or human females. I have a harem of monkey girls to dress in silly costumes and dance. There will be no negotiating, Han Solo. This is the end of you,” The Evil Monkey Warlord replied.
“Leia, we can’t let him dump Han into a pit of spikes and monsters. You might be mad at him, but we have to save him,” Luke said.
“AUNNGHH!” Chewie agreed.

“Fine. Let’s just do this, then.” Leia pouted. The three of them ran down the other side of the hill, taking The Evil Monkey Warlord by surprise.
“Oh no!” he shouted.
“Hooray! I knew you’d come!” Han exclaimed.
“I am an evil monkey warlord. You cannot sneak up on me! Where are my minions? WHERE ARE MY MINIONS?”

But it was too late. Luke used the force to pick up The Evil Monkey Warlord and dump him into the banana-shaped pit of spikes and monsters.
No minions came to help anyways. Minions are always looking for ways to stick it to evil warlords.

While Luke was taking care of the monkey, Leia was taking care of Han.
“ANNNGH!” Chewie tried to convince Leia to go easy on Han.
“Yeah, c’mon babe. I was just sayin’ how hot you looked in that bikini.”
“UGH,” Leia exclaimed. “Don’t you get it? You just don’t get it!”

She marched away. “Men,” she muttered. “Always saving their asses. And what do I get? ‘Babe’. I get’ babe’.” Then, louder so the others could hear, “I’m driving the ship home.”
“Babe – ” started Han but Chewie interrupted.
“NNNAAUGH.”
“I agree,” said Luke. “Let her have this one.”
The three men shook their heads while Leia marched on.