On-X - Though its voice circuits are below standard (probably a prototype K-9 chip), this robotic horse could have saved the day by itself. However, nobody bothers to tell it to defend Spectra from the invaders. As a result, a fully loaded equine combat drone flies around while the heroine shoots rainbows at the bad guys.

The Sprites - Little creatures that are indigenous to Rainbowland and Spectra. Some species are hunted for their feet, which are highly prized for use as car buffing pads.

Orin - He is the sprite equivalent of Moses and also has the best star sprinkles on Spectra. You want good star sprinkles, you see Orin. He will hook you up.

Twink - Rainbow Brite's pet sprite.

Brian - A young boy who is Rainbow Brite's only friend. He probably goes to school and brags about being friends with the rainbow girl, her rainbow horse, and the magical rainbow belt that she wears. I imagine he spends a lot of time running away from older boys who want to shove his head into a toilet.

The Color Kids - Ask me again how I did not go insane watching this movie.

Murky & Lurky - One is a rocket scientist; the other is a pile of hair that wears Keds.

The Evil Princess - Spoiled brat who posseses a magical jewel and commands an unstoppable army. She is in need of parental discipline, but her father is nowhere to be found. She dies horribly when her spaceship explodes.

The Plot:

This might strike some as an odd choice for Badmovies.org, but I can provide insight into why a Rainbow Brite movie appears here. When I was much younger, about thirteen or so, this movie traumatized me. My mother and (much) older sister returned from the video store with some tapes. One of them was intended for my niece and neither Mom nor my sister would tell me what it was. The whole episode played out like the "What's in the box?" scene near the end of "Se7en" with me as Brad Pitt and my mother cast in place of Morgan Freeman. Acting with incredible foresight and wisdom for a thirteen-year-old, I vacated the house before the movie started. My mistake was returning prior to the film's end. For thirty seconds, my mind was exposed to the visceral horror of rainbows shooting off in all directions while a talking horse carried what could only be described as a psychedelic Cabbage Patch Kid across the sky. I fled, screaming, into the night.

Starlite wakes up after a bipedal bee lands on his rump. The horse then gallops across the countryside, singing to all the inhabitants of Rainbowland. Once he reaches the glittering, moat-protected castle that is Rainbow Brite's fortress, all of the Color Kids join the chorus. The noise wakes up Rainbow Brite, who immediately asks Twink for a handful of star sprinkles. You know, just to get her going for the day. Anyway, pretty soon the multi-hued horror is mounted on Starlite; the horse gallops across the sky on a rainbow bridge.

For those of you who thought that Earth's seasons were caused by the planet's tilt, which is regulated by the moon, you are way off. Winter is caused by Stormy, another one of the bizarre entities that populate Rainbowland. Stormy is capricious and delights in causing foul weather. It is Rainbow Brite's job to rein in Stormy, then spread star sprinkles across the land to bring about Spring. However, this year something is different. The star sprinkles dissipate without causing the snow to melt. All of the flowers will die! Flowers are pretty; don't let them die!

This film will cause brain damage in any organism above the level of eight-year-old girl.

The sudden arrival of On-X provides an explanation why the star sprinkles are failing. Something is wrong on Spectra, the center of all light and color for the entire universe. The robot horse was sent to find Rainbow Brite. Only she can save the diamond planet from its peril and prevent all life in the universe from dying. With no time to lose, Rainbow Brite climbs atop Starlite and the pair race off after On-X. The trip to Spectra requires a long journey through outer space, something easily accomplished by traveling one of the ubiquitous rainbow paths laid down by the color belt.

How is it that a chubby blonde girl who shoots rainbows out of her belt is judged to be the best choice to defeat the Princess? Let me tell you something: the Princess has a bad habit of looking out the windows of her dark fortress. She does not move around and provides a good silhouette when framed by the backlighting. On-X should have stopped by Quantico, VA and picked up a Marine Scout Sniper. The next time that freaking brat appeared in a window she would have taken a .50 round through the brain housing group. End of story.

(Note: I am not saying that a Marine, even a hallowed 8541, putting a bullet through an evil teenager's head would make a good children's film.)

Murky and Lurky pursue Rainbow Brite to Spectra. They are her usual opponents, but prove entirely ineffective in this movie. The Princess and her various forces are far more dangerous. As such, I am going to largely ignore the little B&W man (who, disturbingly, looks a bit like Ron Jeremy) and his clumsy furball.

What Rainbow Brite finds on Spectra is more evil absurdity. Since the planet is made from diamond and all light must pass through it, the inhabitants are sprites with furry feet. They spend their days polishing the planet's surface by skating back and forth. What the polishing sprites eat or how they deal with bodily wastes is never explored. Maybe the sprites subsist on something colorful, like butterflies, and defecate polishing compound. How is that for bizarrely useful evolution? Gah! This film is driving me nuts!

To return to the story at hand, a great many of the sprites have been hypnotized by glitterbots. Once under the control of the robot masters, the sprites do nothing besides work on knitting a huge net. The net obscures the planet's equator, meaning it must be thousands of miles wide. Like true government workers, all of the unaffected sprites ignore the ones that are making the net. Starlite tries to sabotage the net and finds out that doing so attracts the attention of numerous glitterbots. Rainbow Brite and her horse spend the next couple of scenes fleeing, while On-X saves their butts time after time.

They eventually run into Krys (drop a rowboat on him is more precise a description, but I refuse to explain). He is the last free defender of Spectra. He is also contemptuous that a simple girl, even one who can make rainbows shoot out of her belly button, can stop the Princess. However, when Rainbow Brite says that she is going to see the Princess, Krys agrees to accompany her.

Stop! The plan is to go to the Princess' fortress, unarmed, and tell her that what she is doing is wrong? Right. Good.

The plan works exactly as you and I have foreseen, except the Princess does not have the two guardians of Spectra executed immediately. Both of them are tossed into a floating detention cell, but not before the Princess takes Rainbow Brite's belt. It will go perfectly with her gloss black bodysuit! Fortunately, Starlite charges into the fortress and locates the color belt. On-X returns the prismatic artifact to Rainbow Brite, allowing her and the sexist Megaman avatar to escape their prison. What the group cannot escape is a magical vortex summoned by the Princess. The horses and riders are sucked through a wormhole and transported to a remote prison facility.

By now I'd have removed the behavior safeties from On-X and sent the horse to hover over the Princess. The robot's ion jets would turn her body into a burnt husk within seconds. Again, maybe a little too graphic for a children's movie. How will they defeat the Princess without killing her?

The prison complex is an arid wasteland made up of bare rock and tall stone spires. Krys and the horses are captured by Obi-Wan Iguana Sloths, while Rainbow falls though a crevice and finds herself in an underground lake that is teeming with the monsters. There she joins up with Orin and enrages the giant beasts by shooting them in the face with rainbows. The Obi-Wan Iguana Sloths go on a rampage. The resulting ceiling collapse buries the monsters under tons of rock. Our animated heroine and her fuzzy friend easily rescue the others from the stockade and Krys receives a gift from Orin. The old sprite provides the Spectra guardian a prism wrist blaster. When Rainbow Brite shoots rainbows into it, the blaster can be used to freeze enemies solid or turn them into a school of multicolored fish.

What does not make sense to you? That Krys' weapon can turn a monster into a multitude of rainbow fish? Have you been paying attention at all? I have spent several paragraphs telling you about rainbow belts, polishing sprites, and robots that spit out rope on command. This is what you harp on? While we are at it, "Obi-Wan Iguana Sloths" is probably one of the most accurate descriptions I have ever invented. Don't knock it until you see the movie.

So, as you may have guessed, the freedom fighters do manage to defeat the Princess by destroying the jewel that is the source of all her power. Meanwhile, on Spectra, Orin and a loyal team of sprite polishers cut up the net and push it into a canyon. It looks like Rainbow Brite has won. Except, a massive spaceship, with the Princess at the controls, is headed right for Spectra! If she cannot have the diamond world, then nobody will. The vile girl is going to shatter the planet by ramming it! At the last minute, Rainbow Brite uses her belt to create a rainbow that repulses the ship and causes it to explode in midair. The sprites probably spent the next two weeks picking up debris and chunks of the Princess, but don't tell the kids.

If you know what is good for you, you will not tell your daughters or nieces that this movie exists.

You know what I think? Hallmark created this movie as a way to torture PCP addicts. I have never used it myself, but have encountered people under its influence. They are unpredictable and can experience vivid hallucinations. If you painted a room a soothing shade of blue, decorated it with a glass of pure white milk atop a plain table, then gave someone Angel Dust and locked them inside, they would probably be pounding on the door and screaming their head off after ten minutes. Imagine exposing someone who was already dealing with a distorted sense of reality to ninety minutes of this film. Right around the time that Rainbow Brite starts shooting the Obi-Wan Iguana Sloths in the eyes with her rainbows, I think the shrieking would reach a crescendo. The poor bastard would probably die while trying to climb up the wall, looking for all the world like a grotesque human version of those cicada nymph shells that children find stuck on trees.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Horses hibernate through the winter.

All of the light in the universe comes from a diamond planet. It is protected by Megaman's rainbow cousin.

Earth's ice ages were caused by political turmoil on another planet.

Rainbows are capable of reaching escape velocity.

Lasers make ricochet sounds when they hit a crystal.

Black holes are caused by magic.

Stay out of spawning pools, no matter what the species.

Rainbow Brite needs to have a talk with Jenny Craig.

Stuff To Watch For:

7 mins - I have no idea what is going on.

11 mins - Stormy must have a summer cottage in England.

22 mins - For those wondering: Murky used teflon-coated rivets.

29 mins - Opposable thumbs would make your ruse much more convincing.

34 mins - Wait a minute, what about your magic rainbow belt? Oh, of course it would not work near a waterfall.

38 mins - Face it, dog, you are going to die. Wait until the boy collapses from hypothermia and then eat the body.

47 mins - Does the castle have 37mm flak lasers or are those the gauss flux arcs?

55 mins - I am not certain how much more of this I can take. If I see one more rainbow...

Rainbow Brite: "Spectra is the diamond planet. All the light in the universe has to pass through it." Lurky: "Boy, Murky, I bet it's shiny." Murky: "Not after I get done with it. This is my chance to rid the universe of color forever!"

Rainbow Brite: "The light of Spectra is the life of the universe. With that net all over everything, the light can't get through!" On-X: "Princess plans to pull Spectra with spaceship. Net is for spaceship to hold onto."

Krys: "This is what you call help, a girl? Orin's locked up someplace, the glitterbots have everybody on Spectra hypnotized but me, and that's only because I can run faster than anybody, the Princess is wrapping the whole planet up like a birthday present, and you bring me a girl?"

Rainbow Brite rocks hard. So do all the My Little Pony Tales, and My Little Pony episodes/movies. Care bears were awsome too. It's rediculous and it amuses me, but it does have it's own magical qualities and I have always loved it. Even my brother loved it when he was little.

Long live psychadellic rainbow horse warrior girl spritey fuzzy furball people! Ponies and rainbows and plots that don't make sense!

You wanna see a bad movie, you go watch Manos: The Hands of Fate. That will for sure traumatize you.

Rainbow Brite rocks hard. So do all the My Little Pony Tales, and My Little Pony episodes/movies. Care bears were awsome too. It's rediculous and it amuses me, but it does have it's own magical qualities and I have always loved it. Even my brother loved it when he was little.

Long live psychadellic rainbow horse warrior girl spritey fuzzy furball people! Ponies and rainbows and plots that don't make sense!

You wanna see a bad movie, you go watch Manos: The Hands of Fate. That will for sure traumatize you.