When I get bored, I look through my entire phone to see if there are any cool options I missed.

37

8

When I drink alcohol…everyone says I’m alcoholic but When I drink Fanta…no one says I’m fantastic.

21

13

My sex life is like a Ferrari…I don’t have a Ferrari.

69

15

The dumber you are, the smarter you think you are.

78

30

Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, Nooooooo.

31

21

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the easily offended deserve to be easily offended.

37

12

There’s no vaccine against stupid.

5

2

Hardest job ever: Working in a bubble wrap factory. Imagine the self control needed.

157

96

What the heck does the “Z” in “LOLZ” mean…”Laugh Out Loud…Zebras?”

139

68

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
– Rodney Dangerfield

71

70

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

121

36

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

106

30

My psychiatrist said to me, “Take these pills and you’ll be all right.” I told him that there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s the rest of the world, “I know. But it’s easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.”

Submitted by: Robert D Dangoor

77

31

I went to see my psychiatrist the other day and told him that I was talking to myself. He replied, “That’s all right. Just hold a mobile phone by your mouth.”