BREAKING: Cousin Mark Coming After All

RESTON, VA—In an unexpected turn of events, Aunt Trisha announced Thursday that her son Mark is actually coming to Thanksgiving dinner after all, confirming that the 29-year-old can definitely make it now. “I guess he doesn’t have to take that holiday shift,” said Aunt Trisha shortly after receiving a brief telephone call from Mark. “I just checked and he’ll probably get here right about when we start. So we can set an extra plate. It’s a shame Todd can’t make it, too.” At press time, sources were unable to corroborate reports that cousin Mark was bringing his girlfriend, Stephanie, but had confirmed numerous rumors that he was stopping at the liquor store on his way over.