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Deathmatch Tournament - Round Three

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written Wednesday, May 7 2008 11:35ProfileHomepage#0
Our field has narrowed to sixteen contestants. This is the entire round three. As per usual, please vote on who you think will win in each match and tell us why.

Alas, alas I expire, slain by a pencil wielded by the cello-goddess. :(

Not a fair match, even if you forget that for some ridiculous reason I am a bacon strip. She beat Dikiyoba, for heaven's sake.

Well, okay. Here's how it goes down.

Nico's pencils are unmatched as close combat weapons, and I have no close combat weapon. Clearly, my only chance is to end the match before she moves in close enough to reach.

My trusty bots are easily able to keep surveillance on her, and, being scripted constructs, are invulnerable to cuteness (as well as incapable of mentioning it and falling afoul of the pencil).

I hope that a fluffy kitten will elicit some sort of response from the lass, but unfortunately it just slows her down by beginning a staredown. Good enough, for now. In the distance, I ready my bacon drop attack...

When Nicothodes gets out her cello.

Endeavorbot manages to resist the melody, but Piperbot is completely taken in. He enters a duet, and his magical flute summons all the threads of Spiderweb. In the ensuing flood of posts, Endeavorbot is forced into an immediate census. Cats are also musical creatures, and my kitten is now comfortably asleep.

My defenses, in short, are gone. The Encyclopedia Ermariana is useless against one both equipped with pens and a tendency to invent languages. Statistics cannot save against music, and Ms. Eyebrow is unfazed by poses. In desperation, I snatch away Piperbot's magic flute (shorting him out, unfortunately), and try my own bardic skills. Even though I'm technically a piano player, I manage to hold Nicothodes at bay for a moment.

Then she utters a few fateful words.

Stolah u kulame. Kulame dam zunai...

Mult charach!

My demise is swift as Nicothodes moves in for the kill, but my last expression is one of bliss, with half a cookie still in my hand.

1: Not very hard, Alec will just throw a-bomb-in-a-bull photo threads at him, you can take pictures faster than making scenarios. Winner: Alec 2: I'm staying away from this one

3: Cookies vs. Bacon? Nico will stab and throw cookies at Aran, causing his kittens to get distracted and eat, then Aran will try to crush Nico with his mass pictures of nature, but pictures are thin and yet again he pokes a hole through the mass of paper, but to no avail; BACON DROP.Winner: Aran

4:I just don't see how Thraini will win.Winner: Dintiradan

5: DV knows that if he can daze Aloreal, the Tentacle slap will win, but with Skribbane, I don't think it will work, Alo will run away, but Vlishes can float, not giving enough time for alo to whip out his gun and shoot, one tentacle slap later, and it is over.Winner: DV6: Need I say the obvious winner?7: It starts out with Goldenking taking a stance with his shield and gun, but then E. sends his crickets at him and they eat the shield, leaving goldenking open to a D.R., but then, he activates Aura of flames and cremates his boots, then E. casts D.R. and plants a tree on him.Winner: Ephesos8: Salmon will spam spam, but stick figures can take all sorts of punishment and can cause death in all sorts of ways, salmon will be fishing when he finds that his hook caught a atom bomb that "finnishs" him. Whoops.Winner: Alex

--------------------Jim, the end of the world is here, the Xel'Naga have returned -Zeratul in Starcraft 2 trailerI will rule this sector or see it burnt around me! -Arcturus MengskWe have cared for Auir and you people, even when you shun us for rejecting the Khala - ZeratulNo matter what name I have, people can call me XelPylons!Posts: 301 |
Registered: Tuesday, August 21 2007 07:00

Delicious Vlish tries to terrorize Alorael with his violet rays, but Alorael's skribbane addiction overpowers the spell. Alorael snipes Delicious Vlish. Delicious Vlish quickly deflates. Alorael moves in to find out whether he tastes like beef. Delicious Vlish hits him with a Fiesty Slap of Pain. In response, Alorael buries him under a pile of posts. Alorael.

Tyranicus vs. Stareye

Tyranicus is used to his life hanging by a thread and so slaps on a layer of woad and charges toward Stareye in a berserker rage. His rage is such that he keeps fighting despite getting hit by Stareye's antimatter machine, getting his face stomped on repeatedly, and tripping and breaking his neck. Stareye just can't take him down. Tyranicus

Ephesos vs. Goldenking

Goldenking uses his special skill at RPing to block all of Ephesos' attacks, while Ephesos' luck and healing spells keep him alive against Goldenking's attacks. Finally, Ephesos is pushed too far. He leaps up to cram leaves down Goldenking's throat, but Goldenking is prepared for it this time and blocks Ephesos with his shield. Then he has a point-blank shot at Ephesos that just can't be dodged. Goldenking.

Archmage Alex vs. Salmon

Salmon starts with a volley of spam, but Archmage Alex has his stick figures catch it and mold it into a crustacean-ravaged celebrity. Salmon instinctively starts making traps in hopes of catching a lovely crab dinner, giving Alex's stick figures time to reshape the spam into a giant katamari ball and roll up all of Salmon's tools and fishing gear. Then Salmon changes into his sexy red slip... and a distracted Archmage Alex rolls right off a cliff. Salmon.

written Wednesday, May 7 2008 20:50Profile#8
Saunders and Jewels will agree that this deathmatch thing is horrid nonsense, and sit down and have a nice motherly cup of tea together. Eventually Jewels will take a sip of the poisoned tea.

Alex leads the charge of the stick figures. Salmon comes on with a lot of jumping fish. When the opposing armies clash, the heat of battle fuses them into millions of fishsticks. Both fighters are buried, but Salmon's years of training enable him to eat his way out before succumbing to the horror of Death by Fishstick.

--------------------Listen carefully because some of your options may have changed.Posts: 3335 |
Registered: Thursday, September 4 2003 07:00

written Wednesday, May 7 2008 22:58ProfileHomepage#9
I've described my own match already. Unfortunately I won't have the time to make a single mega-post, so I need to write the matches out one by one as I find time and inspiration.

Ephesos vs. Goldenking

Bit for bit, the gimmicks of these two spellcasters are evenly matched. Goldenking's skribbane can be neutralized with a few alchemical tricks that Ephesos has up his sleeve, while Eph's crickets, being insects, fall prey to Goldenking's deity.

But Ephesos is a more powerful priest than Goldenking is a wizard. His Divine Retribution packs a big punch, while Goldenking has only his genetically enhanced combat spells and Aura of Flames. Pizza and all manners of fast food are of course abhorrent to the nature-loving druid, and so Goldenking's Pizza shield can protect him for a while. Goldenking readies his gun.

Sudddenly, there is a low, quiet Hoom-Homm.

Accompanied by a soprano melody that gradually gains force, the Trees Are Going To War!

Things look very bad for Goldenking. He doesn't even have a tower. Desperately, Goldenking tries his aura of flames to repel the ents, but as everyone knows, this is a Bad Idea. If only he had invested some time in Sonic spells...

Not enough pieces of Goldenking are left for a proper burial, and when it is over, The Druid stands supreme.

It's a dark and rainy day. Fortunately, Nemesis manages to summon a roof and a lamp, so the match can begin. nemesis also summons some strange beasts that look like fluffy turtles. Alec isn't really intimidated by that and insults the beasts, and Nemesis. Fortunately, this doesn't weaken he beasts' morale, and Nemesis stays unharmed. Now Nemesis starts to think. To think about alot, and while he does that, Alec charges with his scimitar, but nemesis quickly summons a brick wall, onto which Alec smacks and hurts himself pretty badly. After a few minutes, Alec dies from his wounds, giving Nemesis the victory.

2) Saunders vs Jewel ( :P )

Jewels came prepared for this fight: she made a walkthrough the last evening before the match, detailing the steps she'll have to undertake. Saunders has fluffy turtles, who immediatly start their descent on Jewels, but hail the walktrhough! Jewels knew this was coming and evades them, smothering them in elements of the SW periodic table. Next, the walkthrough says, be a parent, and so Jewels does. She comes to Saunders, the finger up, and starts lecturing Saunders, who in her turn smothers jewels with motherly love. Jewels, a bit taken aback, now invites Saunders for a beer, and Saunders thus falls in jewels little trap. Soon she is drunk, and can't stand anymore. She falls on the ground, giving Jewels the victory.

3) Nicothodes vs Arancaytar

The magic flute against the cello. Right... Cello wins that. Besides, computers can't win from music, and stabbing and fatal cuteness works better than bacon drop.

Nicothodes

4) ME vs Dinti

Right. With knowledge of biology, I know the weaknesses of the human race. problem is, that most of these weaknesses are somehow compromised by either armor or some other item. So, what else is there to do when there's not much hope? Throw vegetables and use your skill of flight. Since lately I have been playing a lot of Flight Simulator, I've gotten a lot better at this flight thing, enabling me to much better manoevre in the air. Also, i can land myself automatically by using the autopilot and performing an ILS landing. So, the death ray won't be able to hit me, since I can simply evade that. I don't know what the cloning machine is good for, and the legion of terror (I guess) can't fly. But how to win from the guidebook? Well, I simply throw vegetables at it and I hope it gets so dirty that it's beyond comprehension. Dintiradan, on the other hand, simply evades the vegetables, and uses his summoning machine to summon some fliying creaturs, which I succesfully vegetablize with help of the Chicken gods. these same Chicken Gods enable me to get hold of the evil overlord guidebook, which Dinti has lost when hit by a vegetable. So eventually, because this is getting very long and I'm losing patience, Thralni wins with his feline swiftness, vegetables and Chicken God help.

5) Vlish vs Alo

With daze, Vlish makes it hard for Alo to aim. However, Alo sues skribbane to counter that problem. Vlish does daze again, now with a slight terror in it, and Alo drinks more skribbane. This cna't go on for that long, since Alo doesn't have an infinite stock, and eventually dies of an overdose. Vlish wins.

6) Tyran vs *I

Yeah... SV just pwns SW, that's clear all right. Besides, he has me and Nikki and Eph and Nioca and Nem and other SV members as allies, so Stareye mustn give victory to Tyranicus.

7) Ephesos vs Goldenking

Priest against rogue. What can I say? It's prettiness against plot twists. What we have learned, though, is that Goldenking is supposed to win in the end, but in this case, we'll have to see about that.

So, first of all, Eph has crickets. Crickets are little pesky animals that are very irritating in large numbers. They also make irritating chirping noises, that can drive you mad. Goldenking has a golden gun, though. So, goodbye crickets. For a short time, though, because there are so many, that Goldenking obviously can't get rid of them all with just one gun. So in the end Ephesos wins.

8) Alex vs Salmon

Trees give you the time to think, to come to peace with your nature. Salmon is therefor completely at peace when the match begins. Alex immedtaily draws some stick figures: Salmon sitting beneath a tree saying "god, I wish I liked bacon", which salmon thinks is very funny. While Salmon laughs, Alex summons some stick figurs, who begin to thomp salmon. Using a shovel, Salmon "kills" them, and then heads over to Alex. With a well-placed "thump", Alex dies and Salmon wins.

written Wednesday, May 7 2008 23:38Profile#12
Match 1 - Nemisis is pretty immune to Alec's insults so while Alec spouts on and creates the abominable photo thread to end all photo threads, Nemisis creates a scenario to end Alec once and for all.

Match 2 - The Battle of All Mothers. While they seem evenly matched and used to everything that children can throw their way, I'll give this to Saunders since she can reluctantly cut down Jewels with her blade of fluffly cuteness. It comes after several hours of tea and comparing albums of their offspring.

Match 3 - Arancaytar starts out summoning bots to shield him, but Nicothodes slips past and sneaks up next to Aran. Then bacon is no match for mechanical pencil. Although the grease does clog up the point.

Match 4 - Dintiradan send out his Legion of Terror against Thralni and the Chicken gods. This gives him time to use his Deth Ray and repair it and repair it and plug it in and eventually end the match.

Match 5 - We now find out that Alorael really won his match with the Silent Assassin because SA took out the Alorael bot by mistake. Delicious Vlish slowly floats up behind Alorael in his lookout. When the terror fails to affect Alorael's skribbane wits, he resorts to repeated fiesty tentacles of pain while reserving a few tentacles to keep that sniper rifle from being pointed anywhere useful. DV has plenty of experience in facing difficult battles from Geneforge, sneaking in to attack, and retreat around the corner before his opponent can respond so he can evade that rifle.

Match 6 - Tyranicus tries to level the field by shifting the battle to Shadowvale, but *i will script things back to place him in control. Stunning Tyran with his glower, he will stomp him into the ground.

Match 7 - Goldking gets overconfident after his last match and charges in to take out Ephesos. Not seeing the forest for the trees, he doesn't see that our druid is waiting for his lucky chance to cast divine retribution. That gun will get awfully hot and prove a distraction that costs Goldking the round.

Match 8 - Archmage Alex sends out his stick figure army while Salmon starts spamming to reach a new milestone. When the Archmage stops to post his congratulatory message, Jumpin' Salmon hooks him from behind and reels in victory.Posts: 4643 |
Registered: Friday, February 10 2006 08:00

So this is how it is, huh? 3 years of saying no, and then as soon as it comes down to a fight to the death, you want me on your side?

Anyway.

1) Alec vs Nemesis:

With a flurry of images depicting the world as seen from somebody's anus, Alec stomps into the ring, and calls forth Nemesis, who slowly strides forward. Alec begins by telling Nemesis, and the surrounding spectators, about the Evils of Capitalism, Israel and Israeli Capitalism (with heckling thoughtfully provided by ET), all of which flies over Nem's head - he never gets involved in such topics. Alec is a little nonplussed - he can continue arguing, but he has no idea if it's having any effect. He stops, and asks for a honourable battle, something Nem would enjoy, and even offers to allow Nem a free strike. As Nemesis raises his weapon, however, a poster of ****** ******* ****** smacks into his face. Alec slopes off into the night, smirking.

2) Saunders vs Jewels

3) Nicothodes vs Arancaytar

4) Thralni vs Dintiradan

5) Delicious Vlish vs Alorael:

Delicious Vlish floats into the arena, already knowing where Alorael is - Vlish are mildly telepathic, so no sniper bullet it going to be embedding itself into this squishy ballon's body any time soon. With a gleeful chuckle, Vlishy casts Daze. And again. And again. Unfortunately, high-level monsters are immune, and for the purposes of this deathmatch, posts mean levels. It seems both combatants favourite tactics won't work, so Alorael throws down his rifle and picks up several knitting needles. Vlishy prepares his tentacles. The two stroll forward, to meet each other, as thunder roars in the background. Stopping a few metres short of one another, the two draw weapons. Alorael raises his needles. Vlishy flexes his tentacles. And then... with a blast of mental noise, pictures begin filling Alorael's head. Disturbing pictures. Pictures of nipples and vlish breeding habits. As Alorael struggles to fight his disgust (and deep-seated curiousity), a fearsome strike to his face sends him flying. Vlish wins.

written Thursday, May 8 2008 13:03Profile#16
I'm short on time, so I'll only do my own match.

MATCH #7:Many have pointed out that crickets could swarm me. What they evidently don't know is that crickets are weak, and flammable. Thusly, if Ephesos is fool enough to send his crickets at me, a nice dose of Aura of Flames will finish them. Now, that brings me in the lead so far.

Then Ephesos casts Divine Retribution. My sheild managed to handle Arcane Blow from Drakey, and so Divine Retribution can be handled, too. Soon, it's down to pure RP'ing skill, as I start an RP that eventually flops and results in frustration. Ephesos, situated in a remote, tropical island far from the action, doesn't hear of the news. By the time the news comes, I'm in sniping position.

BANG BANG Goldie's golden bullets come down on his head,BANG BANG Goldie's golden bullets make sure that he is dead.

--------------------"I'm happy I'm the mentally disturbed person I am." -Nioca"Yes, Iffy is a demon." -Iffy"All (Spiderweb) servers should be taken down, erased, and then subjected to dissolution by alkahest." -AloraelPosts: 1186 |
Registered: Friday, June 18 2004 07:00

written Thursday, May 8 2008 13:34Profile#17
Match 1: Alec vs. NemesisAbominable photos, insults, and innuendo will have no effect on Nemesis and his mild manners, except maybe to infuriate him at the vulgar content. The engagingness will only focus Nemesis's attention to killing Alec even more. So unless Nemesis is extremely bad at close combat, Nemesis will win.

Match 2: Saunders vs. JewelsWell let's face it, the skills each possess will counteract each other, and the allies will keep each other busy. Now unless Jewels can get some good shots of from long range the fight is basically over. Jewels's last hope is to get Saunders drunk and do the killing while the defenses are thinned. However Saunders being a good mom, will not drink in front of the kids.

Match 3: Nicothodes vs. ArancaytarAran has every advantage other than close combat, and after a long fight through all Aran's defenses, including kittens, bots, flying bacon, flute music, and stats, it comes down to close combat. Nico uses her last few cookies to try and take down Aran from a safe distance with no luck. She then throws a few mechanical pencils at him to end it, but Aran poses differently and evades them all. In desparation Nico charges at Aran waving her pens, but Aran whips out EE and the blows glance off it, though almost ruining its usefulness. Arancaytar finally manages to whack Nico with the remains of EE and Nico is out.

Match 4: Thralni vs. DintiradanThralni charges in early to catch Dint off guard, but can't find the real Dint because of all the clones. He begins chucking vegetables around randomly, but the Evil Overlord Helmet protects Dint from any damage. The clones and the Legion of Terror charge, and the overwhelmed Thralni takes to the air. The real Dintiradan runs back to the Deth Ray and picks Thralni out of the skys.

Match 5: Delicious Vlish vs. AloraelAs soon as DV lands in Bosnia he encounters sniper fire placed by Alorael sending him fleeing for cover. A long range face off then begins as sniper fire and violet rays, terrors, and dazes fly back and forth. However Alorael is able to use Angband to force DV out of his cover. Alorael then soaks DV with sniper rounds and DV falls down dead. Alorael can't help but come over and taste what vlish tastes like.

Match 6: Tyranicus vs. StareyeTyran applies Woad immediately, then begins charging wildly, throwing javelins at random, leading the users of Shadow Vale. Stareye then becomes caught up using all his skills to annihilate SV, allowing Tyran to close in and engage in combat. Stareye has a sword and Tyran, though not very effective, has javelins. They duke it out, but a javelin to the face finishes off Stareye. Tyranicus dies.

Match 7: Ephesos vs. GoldenkingGoldenking immediately sucks dry several canisters and bottles of skribbane, giving him a decent edge. They both begin casting spells, Goldenking's Aura of Flames wiping out Ephesos's crickets and Ephesos's spells are unable to pierce Goldenking's pizza shield. Goldenking seems to have the advantage, but Ephesos's clover boots are preventing Goldenking from hitting him. Goldenking then pulls out his golden gun and it is all over. Luck only gets you so far.

Match 8: Alex vs. SalmonAlex begins pumping out stick figures but orders them to stop when he, having some certain traits, notices Salmon's sex appeal. Alex then approaches, Salmon plays along up until he becomes uncomfortable. At this point Salmon whips out is fishing pole and finishes it.

written Thursday, May 8 2008 17:42ProfileHomepage#18
Slarty and I have been talking on the sidelines and we've decided to do something new for this round.

Before we make our final rulings, we're going to pick the battle description we like best for each match from what you all submit and the outcome from said description will be taken into special consideration. In addition, the author of each best description will be honored and immortalized in the Deathmatch Memorial.

So if you want to have special influence and share in the winner's circle, be thoughtful, be creative, be witty, be the best, and be recognized for it!

written Thursday, May 8 2008 17:51ProfileHomepage#19
P.S. If you have already posted and want to go back and edit it to make it better (or, just so that your obliviousness to the basic tenets of deathmatch evaluation, like "don't narrate a random course of events, evaluate probability," is less obvious), feel free. We'll reread before we decide.

And yes, I suppose this kind of post does make me the Simon Cowell of Deathmatch.

I’ve never seen a more even field. I don’t envy Slarty, his decision one bit. Both being moms, their skills are pretty much matched. Being loved back would cancel out Jewels’ smothering tactic and turning the other cheek can only be used if there’s something to turn from. The canalista warriors and the Baath party can keep each other busy and also cancel each other out and Jewels has already given the fluffy turtles all her sanity so she’d just stop to pet them if Saunders sent them over. While their fields seem different, they both excel in both fields; Saunders knowing full well how to make-a-home, and Jewels fully understanding and enjoying all mathematical/architectural classes she has ever taken. I question how the blade of fluffy cuteness actually works. If it is actually fluffy and cute, Jewels might be tickled by it. If it is a real metal blade, it could cause problems except that Jewels has a stack of walkthroughs for a shield and the periodic table with all kinds of corrosive elements to destroy it with. I agree that Saunders won’t sit down to drink a beer with Jewels, but neither will Jewels sit down for tea. She drinks coffee. *starts grabbing at straws* Titanium vs. Antimony wouldn’t get very far since both are more for protecting then for attacking. I’d try to pit Wil against Julie but I’m afraid I’m quite biased. Wil pwns everyone! Saunders is older than Jewels and therefore wiser but also less agile. Saunders has been eaten by the UBB. She survived, but only as, oh how does she put it, “a shadow of what she once was”? Jewels can relate. She was once a ghost for a while and is rather sympathetic. She'd rather engage in a heart-felt conversation about it. After their talk they both open their arms for a warm hug. Subconsciously remembering that it is indeed a deathmatch Jewels’ instincts lead her into a one-armed death hug instead and the shadow of Saunders crumbles into a pile of ash.

DELICIOUS VLISH VS. ALORAELThis comes down to one simple problem. Delicious Vlish's attacks are useless at range against Alorael due to Alorael's skribbane consumption, meaning that DV's first attack of Daze or Terror is out. DV is also a glass cannon creation, meaning that a single powerful blow is enough to turn him into a tasty mammal treat. Alorael's turn? A shot with the rifle, which has been generally shown to be an insta-kill against almost anything. Unlike TSA, Vlish lacks stealth. In conclusion, half of me thinks that, when the bullet hits, Vlish will go buzzing around the arena like a deflating balloon. Whether or not that happens, though, ALORAEL had this one from the word go.

Assuming, of course, that the two don't meet. If they do, the resulting matter/anti-matter explosion would annihilate them, the arena audience, the SW forums, its satellites, and generally anything else within a 100,000 mile radius.

TYRANICUS VS. STAREYEN/A

EPHESOS VS. GOLDENKINGThis is extraordinarily tricky, and depends solely on who gets initiative. If Ephesos gets the first shot, he'll fire off Retribution, which Goldenking will follow up with Aura of Flames. However, it then goes back to Ephesos, who then casts a finishing Retribution. If Goldenking gets initiative, it'll be Aura of Flames. Ephesos will heal, only to get hit again. And again. Even if he decided to go with Retribution, it'd wind up leaving him primed for a kill shot. Thus, Ephesos is stuck perpetually healing himself. Goldenking will eventually run out of SP, but he'll switch to the gun, and so the process continues. Eventually, Ephesos runs out of SP, meaning no more Retribution or Healing. No amount of luck can save him now.

So, as I said, it depends on who gets initiative. And that's where GOLDENKING rises to the occasion. When it comes to speed, rogues beat priests.

written Friday, May 9 2008 08:01ProfileHomepage#22
I don't have time for a full description of the fights yet, but I need to address one misconception:

quote:Originally posted by ThralniThis cna't go on for that long, since Alo doesn't have an infinite stock, and eventually dies of an overdose.

I reserve the scientific right to approximate, and my supply is approximately infinite. And while my tolerance isn't even approximately infinite, it's definitely higher than I can feasibly reach in a finite amount of time.

—Alorael, who thinks the more important question is how nobody has considered that maybe vlish flotation is based less on flatulence and more on antigravity, which should be a matter of considerable interest to physicists.Posts: 14579 |
Registered: Saturday, December 1 2001 08:00

written Friday, May 9 2008 09:32ProfileHomepage#23
With all due respect, but if I were to adress misconceptions in fights in which I was starring, I'd have be busy for days writing posts to say what is wrong about certain battle desciptions. Let me give an example:

quote: The real Dintiradan runs back to the Deth Ray and picks Thralni out of the skys.

I my own post I clearly stated I'd be too fast, being feline and understanding techniques of flight, to be hit by the death ray. Do people care? Nay.

written Friday, May 9 2008 10:03ProfileHomepage#24
Well, Thralni, I agree that there have been a lot of ridiculous statements made, particularly concerning members who have been less active this year and who, therefore, are less well known to newer members. However, YOU don't get to dictate your own abilities or course of action, either. Just because you think you have mad evasion skills doesn't mean other people see it that way. Dintiradan autohitting with the Deth Ray is ridiculous, but so is claiming that a flying nephil can't be hit in the first place.