The reason Twilight doesn’t work for us is obvious, and it’s been pointed out by many readers and critics. Vampire stories are intrinsically sexy—biting, sucking, blood, dread, excitement. Twilight has been neutered.

What it needs is a sex scene.

So our LitWit Challenge for this week: Write a sex scene for Stephenie Meyer’s hysterically popular, hysterically chaste bestseller, Twilight. It can involve any of the characters (We already know what’s going to happen) and take place at any point in the four-volume saga. The writing of sex scenes is a delicate matter, as the annual Bad Sex in Fiction awards attest: your scene has to be very good, or so horrendously bad it’s great. You cannot use expletives, that’s cheating. Maximum 1,000 words, please. Oh right, the Twilight saga is for juvenile readers, so the sex scene has to use metaphors rather than explicit descriptions. Sorry, amateur pornographers.

All entries will be screened before posting. Only the entries that get published are eligible for the prize: The Twilight Saga box set (in photo, being sniffed disdainfully).

The Weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to us by National Bookstore, The national bookstore.

My life’s beginning was my life’s end. My first breath was my last heartbeat. My first night was my last morning. My time in the sun was at an end, my time in the moon was beginning.

Her sweet scent no longer clenches my thirst; instead, I long for something sweeter…something wilder.

Jacob.

I walked into the forest, following his scent. If my heart could beat, it would be beating wildly by now. I can feel him in my veins, his animal musk intoxicating every single fiber in my marble body.

I followed Jacob’s distinct scent, I don’t understand why my clan hates his smell. Oh, that god-sweet smell. I would bask in it for all my immortal years.

“Edward…” a dark figure crept out of the bushes. “What are you doing here?”

“I have been looking for you.” I said.

“Why?”

I could not bear to answer that question anymore. The longer I held on to my feelings, the harder it is to control. I moved forward, taking one slow step at a time. My hand is trembling. I slowly reached for his hard chest. His dark skin made mine whiter.

I slowly kissed his bare chest. My lips knew no bounds. With each kiss, Jacob’s breath drew deeper and deeper.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

I smiled, for I knew that he wanted it. His mind has been screaming for more. I can hear his heart beat faster with every touch. He wanted me as much as I wanted him.

Slowly, Jacob’s hands found my face. He drew me from my position and I felt his strong lips pressed hardly against mine. His tongue reaching deep into my mouth. We kissed, softly at first. But Jacob is an animal. An untamed beast. The wolf in him is about to break free.

“Take me, Jacob…I am yours for all eternity.”

When our lips have finally parted, Jacob was fully undressed. His impressive body stood in front of me. I can see everything so clearly. The moonlight bathing his mahogany skin. An ethereal glow covered him – like a flower covered in dew drops.

“Your skin sparkles even in the moonlight” he said. A mischievous grin lighting his face.

His hands pulled me closer to him. I can feel his strong sinewy arms covering me in a warm embrace. I kissed his lips, and slowly, I slid down to his neck. I can smell his blood. I can feel it pulsing through his veins. Jacob will satisfy my deepest hunger tonight.

My lips were gliding down his body, his chest, his abdomen, his hardness – pulsating, calling my name.

I kissed the tip of his shaft and gently bathed it with my saliva.

“I have always wanted you Edward…” he said.

I knew this to be true, and tonight I will fulfill his dream.

“Can you take me?” he asked. I looked at him and I smiled. “I would take you, whatever the cost may be.” I said.

Jacob smiled and slowly turned me over. I can feel his pulsing body moving closer, deeper into me. A soft pain hit me from behind. Jacob moved slowly at first. I can feel my muscles relax and the pain subside.

I can feel his breath on my neck. His sweet breath all warm and moist. I have been wanting this for so long.

Jacob moved faster and plunged his body deeper into me. I am filled with all of of him. His hard body pressed against my back. The warm forest floor is damp with our sweat. Our bodies intertwined like characters in a Chinese calligraphy. My body is in ecstacy. Never in my hundred year existence have I felt this. This is better than being a human. This is beyond immortality. I would trade anything for this feeling. Even Bella.

I can hear Jacob breathing faster and heavier. He is close. I can feel it. His lunges are harder, faster and deeper. His hands caressing every inch of me sending hundreds of electric currents into my skin.

“Edward…” he moaned. “Take all of me…I am all yours…”

“Yes. Jacob, Yes”

Jacob has reached the point of bliss. He has given me every single drop of himself. He is now inside me.

A few gentle strokes from his wolf tongue, a few kisses from his lips and I have reached heaven. The sweet sensation of the release numbs my senses. Jacob has taken every single drop of me. I am now inside him.

“We are one.” he said. He smiled and kissed my pale lips.

Jacob did not bother to pick his clothes up. He ran into the forest, transforming into a brown wolf as he did.

“Goodbye for now, my young wolf.” I said. A smile crossed my lips when I remember what he said. We are indeed one. One because we both loved the same woman. And One because we both love each other.

I walked back to our house. I swiftly heaved my body toward the window. In the moonlight, a lone wolf is howling. I can hear its thoughts. I can taste its joy.

Ay huli ka na! There are literally thousands of such stories, fan-made — all with lemon-y goodness. Ang iba mas magaling pa kaysa original Twilight. Laluna from bored housewives na walang magawa sa buhay but to fantasize about a 100-year old vampire in the body of a 17-yr old boy.

Emmett’s feet were silent as he walked along these hollow walls that led to the manor’s lower chambers. The night was hot with the warmth from these torches, the air was stale in between these brick walls, and he was just too eager to get The Job done. He allowed himself to grin as he recalled Jacob’s capture. That idiot dog boy didn’t know what hit him; that wine looked far too engaging, of course it should, that’s the point, and the dog indulged. Hell, he’d probably take a sip from the same cup himself, only if he didn’t drink with dogs, and, more importantly, if he didn’t know it was drugged.

Stupid werewolf. Stupid peace wine. Stupid interrogation. He didn’t know why he had to take part in this inquiry, it’s not like he raised a hand in participation. Edward should be able to extract the information they need, he alone should suffice and make quick work of the dog boy. He has to assist the younger Cullen in the process. But what harm can a sedated werewolf do?

He doesn’t get it. But he’s a few feet away from the last door on the right, that’s the holding chamber, so he might as well get on with it and see where it goes. The silence, however, was becoming all too pronounced at this point. It was altogether uncommon for he was looking forward to coercive threats, maybe some regulated torment. Controlled harassment at the very least, but there was nothing. Curiosity hurried him to that slight crack on the door.

What he witnessed caught him entirely by surprise. He half-expected the werewolf to be drowsy with the drugged wine, shackled in chains to better maneuver the investigation they have planned. But bathing in what little moonlight the barred windows allowed was Edward’s naked, glistening paleness. The vampire was standing with his back towards Emmett, his broad shoulders hunched, his firm, lean arms stretched downwards to support that slow forward thrust he’s developing with his muscular behind.

He never knew why, but he’s always allowed himself to imagine how a naked Edward Cullen will look like. Not that there’s anything wrong with this fantasy; they are brothers, yes, but that entitlement wasn’t biological. No, not at all, none of them Cullens are for that matter. A last name and puncture marks on the neck, that’s what they have in common, maybe superhuman strength and speed too. Actual familial ties are out of the question, which is why he’s letting his fantasies linger.

He couldn’t help but feel offended now that his wet dreams are finally coming to life, Not because he’s looking at his non-biological brother in the buff, but because somebody else beat him to it. On Edward’s naked ass were hands, it’s fingers gripped in selfish possession. It was Jacob’s. The wolf man’s face was concealed by Edward’s steadily lunging hips, but it’s hands kept their grip. Edward’s unstable gyrations occasion a glimpse of Jacob’s handsome face: his eyes shut in concentration, his lips enveloping Edward’s manhood, his cheeks bulging in sexual greed. Emmett detected an occasional muffled choke issuing from Jacob, and that drove him mad with longing.

To Emmett, that distant gagging was a cry for help, for back up perhaps. Maybe even reinforcements, but that won’t work. He wanted Edward on his own, and how he’d kill to be in Jacob’s place. How he’d kill Jacob to be in his place! But there wasn’t a hint of exhaustion in Jacob’s efforts because he’s beginning to tighten his grip on Edward’s behind. He’s controlling Edward’s gyrations now, pushing the vampire deeper into him, Edward’s hips alternating in between slow circular motions and steady forward lunges that are becoming all the more violent.

It was a sight well beyond imagining. It was a dream punctuated by Edward’s prolonged moaning with each violent thrust. Jacob locking Edward down with the will of his hands alone was altogether too severe for Emmett, and the movement on the vampire’s hips, those slow gyrations and sudden lunges, made him all the more feverish with desire. And what makes it all the more intense was that Emmett’s manhood was responding to this most persuasive display. He then knew he wasn’t dreaming. His throbbing erection made that clear.

Emmett’s tongue moved across his lips as closed his eyes in a spontaneous mixture of pleasure and jealous frustration. He knew he was losing control of his own hands to sexual surrender; he’s naked himself without him knowing it. He abandoned all caution in his own erotic darkness as he began to pleasure himself, his hands moving up, and then down, in that familiar stroke that was beginning to take haste. Ahhh, the rapture! He allowed his eyes to open, to feast itself once more in Edward’s naked paleness. He needs to take it all in to reinforce a mental picture that may not happen again.

He opened his eyes, and Edward was looking back at him. The vampire was grinning, his teeth displaying an invitation as he was maintaining that lascivious dance.

**I’ll stop here before this escalates to an anal scene where Edward bites his own hand so he can use his blood as lube.

Edward stroked Bella’s oyster as she moaned loudly. He teased the pearl to submission while kissing his beloved’s luscious lips. She cried out in ecstasy as wave after wave of pleasure radiated from her oyster. Edward skimmed her body with his cold lips until he reached her mounds of creamy white muffins topped with red and erect cherries. He nibbled until she gasped for air. She wished she had melons to offer Edward instead of her puny muffin tops.

The night was cold and Edward, even colder, but somehow, she doesn’t feel the chill. In fact, she felt like butter melting on hot pancakes. She moved languidly; kneeling above Edward, she smiled shyly.

“Your turn,” she said.

Without wasting time, she went right for his hard, cold Popsicle. She grabbed the base and licked the top with gusto.

For a 107-year-old-virgin, it was too much to take.

“Oh, nooo, Bella, stooo-op!” But Bella was enjoying her tasty Popsicle and wasn’t about to quit. Turns out the Popsicle had a creamy filling.

The moon bathed the forest in silver light, the trees are still and not a sound could be heard for miles. I walked slowly, following a twisted path carved by my routine visits.

I searched the air for that distinct scent. That awfully sweet drug I am addicted to. With every breath, my muscles tighten, my blood pumping vigorously in my veins.

The sudden rustling of leaves caught my attention. I turned my head slowly, scanning the trees for an intruder. I would not be disturbed. I needed my fix tonight.

“Edward. I am sorry I am late, I had a hard time getting the pack off my back.”

“That’s fine. I didn’t hear you coming.” I said. I can smell his musky odor. Running suits him well, I thought to myself. I wanted to talk for a little longer but my thirst is unbearable. I grabbed onto Jacobs shirt and tore it right off of his hard, golden body.

“Easy, man. That’s my last shirt. All this unexpected phasing is taking a toll on my clothes.” he said grinning.

“You look better without a shirt on anyway so no harm done.”

I started caressing his chest. His nipples hard and alive. I feel it heaving with every stroke. I leaned down and in, as if I was going to whisper in his ear. I let my cold, pale lips touch the arch of his warm throat. I can feel his pulse beneath his skin under my mouth.

I grabbed Jacob’s hips and yanked him forward, pulling him against my body and kissing him. Jacob kissed me back. His was deep and possessive and I didn’t know whether to try to keep up or just let him take over.

Jacob’s arms wrapping around my waist brought our bodies flush, and I moaned at the feel of Jacob’s hard body against mine as my hands slip up to his broad shoulders. I was surrounded by Jacob, wrapped in his arms, against his firm chest, with his tongue sleek and erotic in my mouth, his hands roaming my back and grabbing me tightly from behind. Jacob’s hard shaft against my own thickening member. Jacob’s low moans in my ears.

I have never heard Jacob moan before. Whenever Jacob and I met, we were in a hurry. Jacob had responsibilities with his pack and I to Bella. The sound of Jacob in pleasure sent heat rushing through my veins and I ground my hips against him, getting some electrifying friction that made my skin burn with pleasure.

The throbbing of his manhood and the fire in his body made me greedy, and I yanked, pulling Jacob over myself as I fell back onto the forest floor.

Making a sound like an aroused growl, Jacob fastened his mouth to my neck, sucking feverishly as his hands began to burrow under my clothes. I worked a hand between our bodies, finding the thick length of Jacob’s shaft through his jeans. It was so hard I moaned, and Jacob groaned in response. He unbuttoned my shirt to kiss my chest, one thumb rubbing roughly over my nipple.

â€œYes, oh, godâ€¦â€ I groaned, rubbing Jacob’s erection, trying to contain the aching in my own. Jacob was on me, all over me, and I couldnâ€™t worry about Bella or anyone else finding out about my obsession; all I could do was experience everything that Jacob was giving, and try to get more.

Cursing impatiently, Jacob lifted off of me just long enough to unfasten his fly, and shimmying out of his jeans with careless alacrity, returning his attention to me immediately like he was diving back into the pool. His kiss was demanding, and as our tongues loved and fought, my hands slid over the firm, trained muscle of Jacob’s body.

Ohâ€¦yeah, yes, yes, yeah, god, yeahâ€¦â€ Moaning, gasping, I cupped the muscular curves of Jacob’s behind in both hands as he readied to thrust his pole. â€œDo itâ€¦yeah, yes, ohâ€¦â€

With that, he lowered himself, and pushed all the way in me. Pain raced up my spine, and I cried lightly.

As he began thrusting more, the pain was almost enough to for me to stop him, but then it turned into pleasure. I began to moan and pump myself to match his thrusts. It was pleasure I had never dreamed of.

Jacob’s grip was tight and experienced, the rhythm of it, and I could feel the urgency of it pushing up through my spine, burning through my blood, heightening my arousal.â€œOh, yes, yes, Jacob, god, take meâ€¦â€

There was a sudden rustling in the bushes and Jacob and I looked up. A pale figure was emerging from the darkness of the trees.

“Edward?” came Carlisle’s voice. I couldn’t see his face, but I could hear his thoughts. Screaming and curing like a woman scorned. I could feel his anger.

“Why on earth are you with this dog?” he asked. I can hear Jacob’s anger rising. I raised my hand to stay him.

“I have been covering for you and all this time you are seeing him. How ungrateful, Edward. And in our own forest.”

“You know very well I could not pass the treaty line, Carlisle.” I said grinning slyly.

I know where this is going. I can hear Carlisle’s thoughts as though he is saying it instead of thinking it. I walked towards Carlisle and kissed him passionately on the lips.

“Father, you know that my heart belongs to you. You have made me, I am just looking for something to take the edge off.” I said to him. “I will always be with you and you can always have me.”

Carlisle moved towards Jacob and started unbuttoning his shirt. His smile was enticing and I noticed Jacob was already ready to pleasure him. I reached for Carlisle’s manhood and started to flick my tongue around its thickness.

To set the mood, Bella had to get rid of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer posters on the wall and pieces of Boy Bawang corniks hid under her bed because tonight is the night. Tonight is the night Edward Cullen is going to use his wood; and hopefully, his 108-year old wood is still functioning well and termite-free.

When the last ray of sunlight faded, Edward finally showed up. You can tell he was excited because he prepared his attireâ€”a vintage Dracula costume and his scent wafted of freshly-concocted formaldehyde.

Not even a word was spoken, and they locked lips and kissed torridly, their tongues were jostling for position over the other. Both were down to their undies as some tearing and ripping of clothes occurred while Edward was kissing like he was sucking the marrow out of the bulalo. (About this time, female audiences are swooning at Edward and male audiences canâ€™t help but think of bulalo soup.) His underwear had â€œI suckâ€ written at the back; and I am pertaining to Edward sucks blood before any violent reactions are planned by Edward fanboys and fangirls. Bella wore grandma panties, you ask why. They timed it perfectly, while we human describe it as nasty, the vampire in Edward says tasty because it was that time of the month for Bella.

Because it was his first actual human mate, not counting the dead ones, Edward was very nervous so he had to ask Carlisle for tips. â€œBe confident, all you need to do is put your biggest thing inside her hairiest thing,â€ Edward kept mentioning to himself. When Edward did it, he was confused so he had to call Carlisle, â€œNow that I have my nose in her armpits, whatâ€™s next?â€

After Carlisle explained how to do it right, Edward became more confident as he brought out several undead sexual positions out of his arsenal; decades of watching human porn from Betamax to Blu-ray did help Edward know what are the positions that will make the complicated female human ask for more. And he did give more as he unleashed several positions not included in the Kama Sutra because physics just wonâ€™t allow–gravity is such a bitch. For starters, they did the â€œbatman,â€ a position which will maximize satisfaction to the partner but sacrificing a lot of blood rushing into the brain; the partners are hung upside down from a curtain rod, mimicking bats. Then, to show his versatility, Edward also did the â€œwolfieâ€ for awhile. This position is quite the same with the dog version also used by humans albeit more growling, howling and clawing. Although his position gives the maximum reach for his old piece of wood, it did make Edward a bit uncomfortable because such position is developed and mastered by the rival Quileute tribe werewolves. And for the piece de resistance, they both did the more traditionally human woman-on-top but with a little twist, they were levitating. It was a feeling described by Bella as like being in a whole new world because they were soaring, tumbling and freewheeling; it was like a magic carpet ride over sideways and under.

They were at the height of their sexual arousals and like every volcano, it has to explode sooner or later. Edward tilted his head, his face ugly as ever, not because his wood is now pencil-thin due to Bellaâ€™s sharpener, but because he was about to reach the big O. Bella pushed him back, â€œLast thing we need is me entering college preggy with a bastardâ€™s spawn while you are playing X-box with the Volturi!â€ That last phrase was interpreted by Edwardâ€™s head (no, the other head) as dirty talk so he burst. Upon reaching climax, they heard the door knocking. Like Tiger Woods trying to prevent a scandal, they panicked and scrambled for their own clothes. Edward used his powers to vanish from the scene but the noob in him made the mistake of leaving the crime scene with evidence. Bella answered the door, hair in chaos and all but she made sure to be decent. It was her father, Charlie; he came to check on her unica hija. He was in a foul mood because he was in the middle of his nightly beard-trimming session and the beard was not cooperating when we heard weird noises coming from Bellaâ€™s room. Although he was fuming mad, he had to restrain himself and ask Bella politely, he knows that teens these days are quite fragile, â€œIs there something wrong, I thought I heard strange noises?â€ Still concerned with his beard and seeing a quick-fix solution, he reached into Bella cheeks and wiping gooey liquid into his beard. â€œHey, you are wasting aloe vera, back in our time, we used eat these like Jell-O when we were broke just to keep our stomachs warm!â€