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Sunday, May 15, 2011

The Sunday Night Sads

Every night, I lay a sleeping baby down to rest in his crib. I kiss him on his forehead, on his cheeks and I whisper how much I love him. I lay him down and he immediately rolls over and pokes his tiny hiney in the air like babies do. I tiptoe out of the room, close the door and retire downstairs, where I hang with hubs. Most nights, I feel good about bedtime. He's had a full day and he's tired. He needs sleep and I need some mama time.

Sunday nights are another issue though. Coming off of an uninterrupted 48 hours with him, I develop a little thing I've named "The Sunday Night Sads." It hits me right as I start to rock him; "Man, I have to go to work tomorrow. He has to go to daycare. Our playtime is over."

I get a little teary and I hold him a little longer and squeeze him extra tight. I whisper what a great time I had this weekend and I love him so so very much. And while he is perfectly happy and adjusted, I always tell him how I wish things could be different; how I wish I could stay with him all the time. I say a gratitude prayer that I am able to have the ample vacation time that I do.

I started the working mama thing when he was 5 months old. Those first few weeks were terrible for me; I walked around with a constant pit of dread and fear and sadness. I was always anxious and the "Sunday Night Sads" were more effectively known as the "Sunday Night Pit of Despair". I would literally sob on the way downstairs and hurl myself into hubs' arms.

While it's gotten easier and I've accepted that this is our life, it hasn't gone away and I've stopped thinking that it will. That I'll magically be completely satisfied with sending him to daycare. That I won't pretend that taking care of my family and home isn't my number one priority. I don't think it will go away but what's made it better is that I've accepted it.

I get that I'm really lucky. I earn a great paycheck and I get great vacations. I am very, very blessed and grateful.

But the Sunday Night Sads? Those still manage to sneak up on me every Sunday.

4 comments:

Oh girl I think you crawled into my head and stole this post. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I too get the Sunday Night Sads. Dang. It's hard, but we gotta do what we gotta do. I thank god all the time that I get to work from home twice a week. Those days are extra challenging, but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Girlfriend, you are speaking my language! We call it the Sunday Night Blues. We all kinda get this way but as a working mama too, it's sooooo hard to end the special uninterrupted weekend time. We put our oldest in daycare, and as great as her home was and as much fun as Gibson had, we knew it wasn't what we wanted but we really didn't #1: know any better and #2: we thought we had no other choice. Then when Marshall was coming around, we made a hard decision. My hubby would take a night job and I would keep my day job. He literally brought the kids to my office parking lot as I got off work so he could race to the freeway to get to his job. IT SUCKED A$$ for almost 2 years. Then we decided he would stop working for other people and work from home for himself and as scary as it was, we worked it out and now, Marshall stays home with daddy. Trust me, again not the easiest thing to do as a mom is grab my lunch and purse and laptop and head to work while my husband and son wave and blow kisses from the door...felt weird and still does. I just remind myself that I am a mommy and wife first who happens to have a job outside the house.In my opinion, it doesn't get easier. But you have to do what you have to do and maybe someday you'll get to be the full time mommy you are in your heart!