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April 9, 2011

Day 82-Not Feeling So In the Moment

I've been a really bad Off the Market In the Moment girl lately. I am just totally lost and can't seem to re-connect with the empowering feelings of purpose and independence I had when I started this blog. Instead, I am having trouble staying grounded and in control. And analyzing and re-analyzing....sound familiar? But I guess I haven't been acting the part of OTMITM lately either...sometimes life gets in the way, and staying true to yourself just gets really hard. So I've avoided writing about it in hopes that the situation would just go away. Oh yeah-I've given up Facebook for the time being, too. It was pulling me down in a big way as I find that I constantly compare myself to others when I've got downtime before work. And during work. And after work. When I wake up on Saturday mornings....and it's just an energy and time drainer. I'm sure I'll be back soon, but for now, I need to self-protect. Didn't you know that comparison is the thief of joy? As I look back over the past few months, I should have seen these feelings coming. I grew slack in writing, didn't hold myself as accountable and started wearing my heart on my sleeve again. And while I am hands down, not in a relationship, let's just say that I've discovered that casual dating is never casual unless you just don't care. So here I am, trying to check in with 80ish days left, and I'm not much better than I started. Though wait-I am aware of what I'm experiencing. While I still may have trouble controlling these bouts of insecurity, I am at least now recognizing the source. So I guess that's progress? Maybe? I am grasping at straws.... But if there's anything I've learned, it's that life is a process, and so I need to recognize that a year's mission is just not going to change 26 years of behavior. Even Elizabeth Gilbert, author of EAT PRAY LOVE had a sequel! I just wish I didn't struggle against myself so hard. It is just EXHAUSTING. But today's a new day, and I will continue to work on it. I'm Off the Market & In the Moment

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“[T]he most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”
-Sex and the City-