My journal through my second attempt at puberty.

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Letter to an Old friend: Over thinking

I feel… kinda lost.

They say I’m still young… I’ll get over it. That the world is my oyster. That I’m over thinking things… over thinking. I hate that word. It reminds me of you.

I always admired how you always seize the day (even though you wake up past noon almost everyday) and do what you love. I admire your tenacity & sense of self-fulfillment. I like that you don’t over think. You ask yourself “What do I want to do today?” and you just go do it. No holding back. No over thinking anything. Do you actually think of anything… at all?

Well, whatever you’re doing, it works. You’re in a good place in your life where you’re (almost) your own boss. You LIKE going to work. Can’t argue with that… I would kill for your job. And yes I know, I had the chance. I’ll let that fact fester in my gut for a while. You wanted to help me… you wanted to show me I could do it. But I disappointed you. I over think everything. And now I regret not taking that chance.

But… I can’t afford not to over think, man. I have… obligations… responsibilities that were handed to me before I reached college. My old man is going to retire in a few years and I’ll be the one who is responsible for my family. I’m going to need something a bit more stable to hold on to… at least for now. My dream can wait… it has no choice but to wait.

I wronged you and caused you to hate me. The years we invested on our friendship disappeared along with your respect for me. A little overzealous on the hate but, that’s who you are. When someone has ruined your trust, there’s not a chance in hell that person (ergo, me) can get it back. Unless a miracle happens, I suppose. Luckily, I believe in miracles.

I guess I’m just being optimistic or trying to be. I just don’t know if it’s worth it. Even though we are not “cool” anymore, just know that you have my respect, admiration, & support. You have done what most of us are scared to do… follow your dreams. Look where it got you now. Someday, I’ll get there too, and I hope that you’ll see me in a different light, not as a “coward” who wronged you, but as someone who also followed their dream (and at the same time as someone who wronged you).

Besides, taking care of my family is part of my dream. I wish you could see how hard I’m working for both myself and family. I didn’t quit on myself, man. Just prioritizing. Family comes first. I can’t afford the luxury of prioritizing my dream, like you do.

Going over this blog, I can see how much I over think. He he. You were right. But like I said, I can’t afford not to. I’ll get there someday… I’ll earn your respect again.