Gentrification at its pretentious best.

Man Attacked After Wearing ‘Meat Suit’ To Vegan Cafe

Police are holding four people for questioning and a man lies in hospital after a vicious attack at a popular Sydney café over the weekend. What started as a bad joke between mates resulted in an all-in brawl with patrons scrambling for cover as furniture and soy products started flying.

Surrey Hills café, Pretence, will be closed until further notice as police and local food authorities scour the premises. Witnesses say that a man in his late twenties strode purposefully into the vacuous vegan hive wearing a suit made entirely of meat in a deliberate attempt to provoke an aggressive response.

“He looked like he’d had a fair bit to drink and was leering and smiling like he thought murdering sentient beings was a big joke”, one heretical beatnik screamed. “He started joking loudly that he’d made ‘a huge missed steak’ walking in here and kept asking staff for the WiFi password so he could tell everyone he was at a vegan place…. he was being a real jerk.”

It didn’t take long for tempers to boil and when one irate habitué lobbed a soysauge at the man’s head, things took a turn for the worse. As he turned to leave, the intoxicated oaf bumped several patrons who misinterpreted the contact as an attempt to be aggressive. In the ensuing melee, patrons ‘jumped’ the man, who is under heavy police guard in hospital, and began punching, kicking and attempting to tear the suit from him. He was left bloody, unconscious and practically naked, with his own small soysauge on display.

The victim’s friends, who have asked press to refrain from printing names, say that they had been drinking heavily at a bucks weekend and hadn’t slept for a ‘couple of days’.

“Derrick, or ‘Nangs’ as we call him, was talking about getting more rack when he has this fuckin’ mad idea to hang racks of lamb and assorted meats all over him like Lady Gaga and stroll in to a vegan café just to see what would happen; what a beserk cunt! We all thought it would be a great craic so we took off to the butcher. No one thought he’d end up in hospital. For a bunch of people that hate violence, vegans really love a good stompin’ ay?”

Unsure whether the question required a response, we moved on and spoke to police who said that violence involving ‘certain elements of the phytophagous community’ is on the rise and there are already some high-profile people under surveillance.

Vegan terrorism is a major concern for authorities with the NSW government reportedly in talks with authorities around ways to tackle the new surge of herbivorous radicalism.