Savage restaurant review: The $850 meal that tasted like 'a condom'

As far as restaurant reviews go, food critic Jay Rayner's write-up of French gastro palace Le Cinq is nothing short of brutal.

Writing for The Guardian, Mr Rayner picks apart his $850 meal with all the precision of an extremely angry and witty surgeon.

"In terms of value for money and expectation Le Cinq supplied by far the worst restaurant experience I have endured in my 18 years in this job." writes Mr Rayner.

Upset at comments from his readers that the critic only ate at "high-end" restaurants, Mr Rayner decided to go out with a bang, and dine at the most lavish, most ostentatious and most French place he could find.

The restaurant he ended up at was Le Cinq – a decadently awarded eatery that counts three Michelin stars next to its name and 2016's "Chef of the year" at its helm.

Located inside the Four Seasons Hotel in Paris, Le Cinq is awash with grandeur. There's enormous silk curtains hanging from each oval window, and ladies are even presented with a small stool upon which to place their handbag.

Sadly, for Mr Rayner, all of these opulent details only contributed to what he called "the scene of the crime".

Things didn't start well when he and his female companion were presented with two slightly different menus – different in that hers didn’t carry any mention of prices. Rayner insisted that she too be presented with the menu, and that's when the fun ended.

"Then again, having looked at those prices I suspect many people would wish never to see their like again," writes Mr Rayner.

"Starters and mains are roughly the same price, running from €70 [$98 AUD) to €140 [$197 AUD]."

The pairs first course was an elaborate canape that was presented as an opaque, spherical ball. Upon biting into it, Mr Rayner's companion remarks that it's like "eating a condom that's been left about lying in a dusty greengrocer's".

From there, they move onto a passionfruit and watercress dish that no doubt took hours to prepare, but made Mr Rayner's lips "purse like a cat's arse".

After a terrible start, the critic and his companion hope the main dish – a medium-cooked pigeon with pear and puree – is better. Sadly, Mr Rayner found that it was undercooked, suggesting that it was "served so pink it just might fly again given a few volts".

And so the dining continues, with many gastro dishes being savagely burnt by Mr Rayner's sharp tongue.

Describing a dessert as looking like something that's "fallen off a burns victim", Mr Rayner well and truly lets us know his feelings towards this meal.

In fairness, Rayner is only giving the audience what they too would expect at such a restaurant charging such prices: perfection. As he concluded, any restaurant experience is what you make it – and sometimes cheaper is better.

"We each of us build our best memories in different ways, and some of mine involve expensive restaurants. But they have to be good," writes Mr Rayner.

"This one will also leave me with memories. They are bleak and troubling."