Ask Aladeen: Grooming

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The Dictator, Admiral General Aladeen, treats our readers to only the most outrageous advice in the realms of sex, dating, careers and grooming. This week, and this week only.

Every few decades, a man of such uncommon charm, sexual magnetism and unparalleled instances of documented human cruelty emerges and is immediately catapulted into full-blown pop cultural relevance. This time, it is the one and certainly only Admiral General Aladeen, gentleman dictator of the Republic of Wadiya himself. Fresh off the promotional trail for his worldwide box office hit The Dictator, follow Aladeen as he goes up against some of the strangest advice queries we’ve ever received and comes back with answers that are somehow even stranger.

And just because Aladeen’s at the top of his game doesn’t mean he’s stopped counting — he says the proof is in the pillage, and we can’t disagree or he’ll kill us. Join the (admittedly open) ranks by adding yourself to Aladeen’s Wall of Sexual Conquests now.

Question: My wife recently came home from the esthetician with a freshly bleached anus. I hadn’t spent a whole lot of time really looking at it eye to eye, but her new asshole is so bright and beautiful! Thing is, it no longer really matches the rest of her bits, and I actually kind of liked her old asshole. Can you suggest any recourse for these circumstances? How do I broach the topic with her?

Answer: Well, I fear that reversal of the anus bleaching procedure is pretty much impossible, so in the interest of your wife having a uniform color with no “bright spots,” the best idea is to now bleach the entire rest of her body. This is very possible; if you send her over to Wadiya, I will take her to the Fahajemaluqamejoulichamena Detention Center and dunk her in one of our human bleaching tanks — she will come back a pristine, uniform, gleaming white skeleton. It is amazing how popular this procedure is these days — I just had sex with Kim Kardashian and she told me that she is planning to bleach her asshole — or Kanye West, to use his proper name.