Ah, snow in Greater Vancouver, the morning commute proving Darwin right again and again. We don't get a lot of snow here compared with the rest of the country. You may find this hard to believe if you are one of my American readers, but it's true. This tiny part of Canada is very temperate. Winter snow is a rarity here, it happens, just not enough to invest in snow tires. We get rain instead.

Aside from missing white Christmases (which almost never happen), it's not a bad trade off. Unfortunately, this means that the vast majority of people who live here are not used to driving in the snow. We also have a very large number of immigrants from other places in the world that don't get snow. We also have a large number of people from other parts of Canada where it does snow who like to think they can drive better than everybody else but who just end up doing stupid things trying to prove it. It's not pretty.

Then there are dumb-ass pedestrians like the one I almost ran over this morning because he decided he was going to walk in the tire tracks in the middle of the road to keep his feet from getting wet on the sidewalk. Good move, princess. Your feet are dry but now all of your bones are broken from being run over by a minivan. Too bad for you too that since I have no plans on paying you a lifetimes worth of pain and suffering I'm going to back up and run you over a few more times to make sure your stupid ass is good and dead.

You may or may not have discovered this, but if you haven't... When you're playing Super Mario Galaxy and you're not alone, have that someone else point the other controller at the tv. They can pick up star bits and shoot them for you. They can also freeze things like rocks, mushrooms and bullets by putting their star on them. Freezing one rock and holding it until another one hits it causes them both to explode into a shit load of new star bits.

Monday, January 28, 2008

I was never a big believer in multitasking. One of the many realizations of having a kid is that true multitasking is a pipe dream. Watching Ollie and doing anything requiring more concentration than breathing or maintaining a heartbeat is just plain impossible. Conversation with others has become clipped and disjointed as the part of my brain responsible for speech is rerouted to help keep pointy objects out of his reach and remember when he last ate.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Liam is in a stage right now where he is so horribly horribly cute it is almost sickening. He wakes up happy 99% of the time. He loves to cuddle. He hugs, and not just little hugs but squeezy hugs that make your eyes go a little misty. He's happy to give you a kiss whenever you ask. He smiles at everything and everyone.

Until he gets angry. Then he is evil incarnate. Have you ever heard the term "screams like a banshee?" If you want to know what a banshee actually sounds like, I can arrange it for you. This week he made a new addition to his apocalyptic repartee, here's an example from one of today's outbursts.

Liam: I'm going away forever!Mommy: That's terrible, we'll miss you so much.Daddy: We'll be very sad, but at least we'll still have Connor.Liam: I'm very angry! I'm going to go away FOREVER!Connor: Mommy and Daddy will still have Connor.Mommy: Who will feed you?Liam: Mommy and Daddy.Mommy & Daddy: (trying to hide their laughter) Ok.Connor: Mommy and Daddy will still have Connor.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Me: How's the kidney? I can lend you one but I want in back.CWM: Ha ha. I want a man kidney!Me: Just as long as I get a man kidney back. No drugs or alcohol while you've got it either. At least no more than it usually gets.CWM: Actually I'm a l lot better. Thanks, I'll be there tomorrow.Me: Good, we missed you. And I like my organs where they are.CWM: Aw, thanks. I heard it was really busy.Me: It was, but don't think it was all your fault. It was, but I don't want you to think that.CWM: Well, I wish I felt bad, but I was in a lot of pain and just couldn't come.Me: Princess.CWM: Grr!Me: Joking! Pansy ass.

Me: Dr. ___?
Receptionist #1: Over there.
Me: Dr. ___?
Receptionist #2: He's not here, it's his day off. (Super snippy)
Me: That's fine, I don't need to see him.
Receptionist #2: What do you want, an appointment? (Like am I really going to have to put my hand on this mouse and do something, bastard?)
Me: No. He gave my wife a lab requisition for a blood test. (Pull out form) This isn't my wife. (Point at name.)
Receptionist #2: Oh...
Receptionist #1: What's your wife's name?
Funny how my service got better after that

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I'd like to tell you that this picture is a fake, that it's been photoshopped in some way to make the bee look bigger than it actually is, but I can't. I've seen a documentary on them and unfortunately that night-mare on wings is real. The Vespa mandarinia or Asian giant hornet or Japanese hornet is, sadly, all too real.Here's just a few of it's better qualities, courtesy of Wikipedia:

* The venom contains at least eight distinct chemicals, some of which damage tissue, some of which cause pain, and at least one which has an odor that attracts more hornets to the victim.* The venom contains 5% acetylcholine, a greater concentration than is present in bee or other wasp venoms. Acetylcholine stimulates the pain nerve fibres, intensifying the pain of the sting.* Vespa mandarinia uses its large crushing mandibles, rather than its sting, to kill prey.* The venom of the Asian giant hornet is more toxic than that of most other bees or wasps, giving this species one of the greatest lethal capacities per colony.* The enzyme in the venom is so strong that it can dissolve human tissue.* Like all hornets, V. mandarinia has a barbless stinger, allowing it to sting repeatedly.

I'm glad the biggest ocean on the planet is between me and that mofo. Somebody left the door to the HellMouth open...

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

COB: I just left work...annoyed.Me: What happened?COB: What you mean?Me: U said u were annoyed. At what?COB: Work... I ok now.Me: Ok, good.COB: I go hospital now, spam you later.Me: Have fun. Don't lick anything.COB: I am gonna steal toilet paper.Me: Excellent! Get some bed pans 4 the office. We'll be more efficient.COB: This is a one man band. Get your own.

that just opened up nearby, I found myself thinking about the UN. Both are filled with people from all over the world, who all speak different languages, and who accomplish next to nothing.

On the bright side, I did have my iPod Touch and was able to read yesterday's Dooce , check my gmail, and locate my near exact location with the new google maps application. Yes, I'm shamelessly bragging about my iPod again. Don't hate.

Now I'm wondering why the hell my images look different in the blog than they do in my draft. WTF?

Saturday, January 19, 2008

So I had my first bike ride of 2008. Madre de dios! Doesn't take long for your muscles to atrophy into jello. Whatever, I did it. Now I'm sitting in front of my computer eating Smarties. Don't judge. It's a little box.

Went onto iTunes this morning and downloaded the new applications for my iPod. Remember the tri-corders from Star Trek? That's what my iPod is now, and it plays music. I'm an Apple whore and feel no shame. If you don't know what I'm talking about then your life is small and sad. But I still love you.

I decided early on in Connor's life that the world is divided into two groups. Good people who look at my children and smile and people who will burn forever in the lowest pits of hell cause they don't. I've added a subsection in hell for service industry workers who don't respond to my children when they say "hi" or "thank you" or "please." My money is paying your fucking wages, sunshine, if my little angel says something to you RESPOND! What do you say, Optimus?

Friday, January 18, 2008

This ‘Bad Boy’ is a home-made, twin cannon, automatic, revolving barrel mounted minigun capable of firing 288 rubber bands in 7 seconds (approx 40 rb/s). It is appropriately named the Disintegrator. The only issue: takes a while to find, pick-up, and re-load hundreds of black rubber bands.

Oh, the office would be a different place if I could mount one of these on my desk!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Watched the second part of Terminator : The Sarah Connor Chronicles last night and decided its pretty good. Few too many sub stories (obsessed FBI agent, fiance from 1999, pre-Sky Net terminator, post-Sky Net terminator, Sarah's cancer, teen angst, I'm sure I missed a couple) but still pretty good. Only issue I had was at the end of the first episode when they jumped forward in time. If you know the Terminator series of movies you know that when you jump through time it's only your body that goes through, no weapons, no clothing, just you. Now lets back up to the no clothing bit. I don't care how good your relationship with your mother is, no 15 year old boy is going to be that non-chalant about being naked in front of his mom. Absolutely no 15 year old boy is going to be that comfortable being naked with his mother AND anyone who looks like this:

Yes he just jumped through time, yes he's just had 3 run-in's with a murderous robot and yes this girl is metal on the inside, but he's still a 15 year old boy. And in the show he doesn't even look at her! As a former 15 year old boy (and really, that never goes away), regardless of whether he just jumped 8 years into the future and into the middle of a busy highway, that kid would have only been looking at one thing and one thing only. But hey, it's fiction, right?

Monday, January 14, 2008

This morning the station I listen to was talking about an article they were reading from the Vancouver Sun on umbrella etiquette. Usual blah blah blah stuff, but then one of the dj's makes a comment about golf umbrellas and how they should only be seen on the golf course. Excuse me? Maybe if I was the size of a smurf one of those rinky-dink little umbrellas would be great, I'm 6'2 though and I'd like to be able to keep a little more of myself dry than just my head. Goddamned little people.

Friday, January 11, 2008

I don't know about Bern, but I feel like I've just gone 12 rounds with Iron Mike. And not the crazy modern bite-your-ear off Iron Mike, but the scary late 80's knock you out in under a minute Iron Mike. The boys were not at their most angelic tonight. Pretty much from the time I picked them up at the in-laws after work until bedtime at 8 they were rabid dogs. Well, not so much Liam, but Connor was full-out frothing at the mouth, must eat brains, I-will-lay-your-cities-to-waste, crazy. Add that to a week where I'm starting to think my job is actually trying to kill me and you will understand why I'm in bed at 9pm. My soul hurts.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Thursday, January 3, 2008

This evening, after being jail beaten, kneed in the groin and pummelled with a plastic bowling pin, I curled into a fetal position on the living room floor and surrendered to a merciless coughing fit. Connor knelt down by my side, gently lifted my head and said, "Daddy, I think you have a bad cold. Let's destroy the enemy." I was overcome by a wave of emotions. Love of my first born's concern for my health. Confusion and dismay over the insane sentences that come out of his mouth. And finally fear, fear that for the last fifteen minutes I had been the enemy and my monkey torture wasn't finished.

I am very tired of people wishing me “Happy New Year.” I find it to be completely insensitive, and highly indicative of the kind of ethnocentrism that runs rampant in American society. My cultural background does not lead me to acknowledge the typical calendar year, because my family bloodline can be traced back to ancient Sumeria, and also the Phoencian civilization, and also the Ixil tribe in Guatemala. Therefore, my family celebrates our new year not by watching Dick Clarke or wearing ridiculous and humiliating hats, but by paying honor to the ritual sacrifice of virgins as a way of giving thanks to our Gods.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

That is a picture of you and your brother sharing a strawberry milkshake at the White Spot on New Year's Day 2008 and this, if all goes well, will be the first entry in a book about you. I had started a sort of scrap book thingy for your brother before he was born but I eventually gave up because I kept forgetting to update it. I had planned to do the same thing for you but never even got started. Just took too much time that I didn't have then. When I started your brother's book we didn't have a digital camera so I would have to wait until we got the pictures developed, then paste them into the book, write something, so on and so on. Doing it in a blog will be much easier.

You are two years old now. Which will also make this whole process easier since both you and Connor can be left on your own to play now and don't need constant supervision. Well, except when I have to come break up a fight or stop you from doing something dangerous. Which is most of the time. Ok, so this will probably be done either early in the morning before work or later at night after you've gone to bed.

You are a very entertaining little boy right now. You've learned everything twice as fast as Connor because you've had him to copy. Which would be great if that just meant walking and talking, but it also means all the bad stuff too. You get angry at the drop of a hat but at the same time you never forget to say "good-bye" to people or "good night" to Connor before bed. Connor, unfortunately, has to be prompted to say the same. And you are SO effectionate. You do these special little hugs where you're actually squeezing us and patting us with your hands. You won't really get this until you have children of your own, but trust me, when it happens you'll know what I'm talking about. It's the best feeling in the world yet at the same time it breaks my heart because I know it won't last. You'll get older and those hugs will come less and less. Probably the reason I try and hold you and your brother so much now and don't mind carrying either of you when you ask.

Ok, so this is the first entry. Haven't decided how I'll update, once a month, every three months, whenever you do something crazy? We'll see.

This is you and your brother sharing a strawberry milk shake at the White Spot on New Year's Day 2008. Hopefully, if all goes to plan, you'll be reading this from a book I plan to make for you. I had started one for you way back in October of 2003, before you were even born, but that didn't work out so well. It seemed like a fun idea, but writing things down in a big book and adding pictures and things was a lot easier before you were born. Afterwards I just kept forgetting to update it and eventually gave up. Tried to start one for your brother too but all I managed to do for his was buy the book. Anyway, writing to you this way, in a blog I can access anywhere, is much easier. We'll see what happens. Oh, and your auntie Dizzy is going to scan the original book for me. I'll add it in here once I get it.

So, this is you on the first day of 2008. You are four years old. We're having lunch at the White Spot which is your favourite restaurant because of the macaroni. Macaroni is your favourite food. Either Kraft or White Spot, but not your mother's. I think she's gotten over it though. Your second favourite food is spaghetti carbonara which you call white spaghetti. Aside from that, unless its a cookie or candy of some sort, you hate all food. Your brother will eat practically anything, you, you are difficult.

You've also got some anger management "issues" right now. I don't know if it's something to do with being four or its just you, but your anger is a big part of you at the moment. Liam is more like me when he's upset. He gets really mad and then its over and forgotten. You are more like my dad and brother and your auntie Dizzy. You hold onto that anger and don't let go. Hopefully its just a phase and not something we've done to mess up your head. Well, we're working on it anyway. That and stopping you from becoming a couch potato. You are an inside boy. Whenever we suggest going out for a walk its like we've invited you out to the doctor's for rabies shots.

Happy New Year's all. Hope you all enjoyed yourselves, whatever you did. Pretty quiet here. Glass of wine and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Hmm, speaking of wine, don't mind if I do. Thanks. Had planned on a bigger post this morning, but after the agony of cutting the boys' hair, going to the mall to pick up Bern's glasses and doing laundry as a means of avoiding the monstrous list of clean-up that needs doing, I'm exhausted.

1. Fitness - I won't waste anybody's time by saying I'm going to get in shape for 2008. Whatever. What I will say is that I am GOING to be healthier. I'll try to exercise when I can. I will try to eat better. I will try and overcome my aversion to fruits and vegetables. I WILL avoid shit food. As in food packed with things that I can barely pronounce let alone have ever heard of.

2. Work on my communication skills - HAAhahahahahahaha! But seriously, I think I've become a bit of a recluse with my family and within my own head. Time to open up this chicken coop and shovel out some shit.

3. Writing - I've found, especially with this blog, that I really enjoy writing. It's fun and therapeutic so I think I'm going to do more of it. I've actually started writing a couple of short stories which will probably suck, but hey, the more I write, maybe the better I'll get. Hey, it can't be all that bad, you're still here and I've got my stat counter to prove it.

4. Um... that's enough for one year. Besides I still have start/finish every little fix it job in the house, finish my tattoo, figure out how to juggle school for two kids in a city that neither of us work in with only one car, explore new career opportunities and drastically reduce my debt load. It's enough.