Thursday, September 24, 2009

Driver's License Renewal Efforts End With Last-Minute Reprieve

Warning: The following depiction is 99% accurate, with only minor conversation changes made to emphasize irony and injustice. Suspension of disbelief is advised.

Saturday, September 1910:30 p.m., Missie B's, downtown Kansas City

Bouncer: You know, your driver's license expired back in July. I'll let you in this time, but you better get that renewed this week.Me: Sweet! I can't believe I forgot! I hate that picture more than my dad hates Democrats. I never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait to go to the DMV.

Somehow I managed to forget that my driver’s license expired on my birthday. Had you ever seen the hideous photo I’ve been saddled with for years, you would truly be flabbergasted by this as well. Anyway, I’ve got to get a new one. The office in Platte City opens at 8, so I’ll be a bit late in the morning. Hopefully not much later than 9. Thanks!

Woman Employee: Tell me where you see flashing lights.Me: (head pressed to machine) On the left.Woman Employee: And now?Me: Still on the left.Woman Employee: I'm sorry. Me: What's wrong?Woman Employee: It was flashing on both sides. So...I can't give you your license.Me: What?!?Woman Employee: You have no peripheral vision.

Wednesday, September 2310:30 a.m., my office, Overland Park

Me: So the machine was broken and they wouldn't believe me. They wouldn't believe me! Co-worker: That really sucks. So do you have to go back?Me: I'll tell you what, I will drive all over the city, but I will NOT go back to that branch office. First I have to get a note from my eye doctor. I guess I have to take more time off tomorrow to go over there and get that done.Co-worker: How are you going to do that? You really shouldn't be driving if you don't have peripheral vision.

Me: Thanks for seeing me so quickly. Do you mind signing this form?Eye Doctor: No problem at all. Let's just do a quick test. How many fingers am I holding up (slowly bringing in her fingers from the left side of my head)?Me: Two. No, one. Two! Two! Eye Doctor: Just relax. Me: It's true, isn't it? I don't have peripheral vision.Eye Doctor: Yes, you do. You also have a $40 co-pay. Will that be cash or credit card?

Friday, September 259:30 a.m., my supervisor's office, Overland ParkMy boss: Do you have any questions before we start your performance review?Me: Like asking for time off from work today? Ha ha ha. No, I don't have anything...

Me: Good morning! You have no idea what I've been through this week...so happy to see you right now. Here's my birth certificate, a recent bill, my current driver's license, a note from my eye doctor...Antichrist's #1 Assistant: Where's your marriage certificate?Me: Excuse me?Antichrist's #1 Assistant: Your marriage certificate. This is not the name on your birth certificate. I can't renew your license without a marriage certificate.Me: But my current license has my married name on it. So does the bill. Antichrist's #1 Assistant: I'm sorry. We don't know that that's the same person.Me: Please. Listen. To. Me. You have no idea what I've been through this week...the eye exam...I didn't need this the last time I got my license...I even called to make sure I had everything! Can't you make an exception this one time?Antichrist's #1 Assistant: No. Have a good day!

Husband: Hello?Me: Want to hear something funny? (Laughter, followed by sobbing.) I got denied AGAIN! This time they wanted a marriage license. Am I being followed by a reality show camera crew? Is this to see how much one person can take from the DMV? Please tell me. Husband: I'm sorry, honey. I wish there was something I could do.Me: You could tell me where there's another license bureau nearby that's open on Saturdays.Husband: Okay, but you're not going to like it.Me: No.Husband: Yes. Looks like you're going back to Platte City.

Me: It's me, your favorite customer.Familiar Woman Employee: Hi! (Her smile doesn't seem vengeful. Could she really not be mad at me right now?)Me: Do you need me to take the vision test again?Really Nice Woman: No, you're good.Me: Is it okay if I just cross out the date on my check from Wednesday and put today's date? Do you need a new one?Woman Who Could Be My Grandma: No, we'll take it. It's okay. You know, I'm sorry we made you go to the eye doctor.Me: You don't have to be sorry. You were just doing your job. It's just been....well, a week.Angel Posing As a DMV Employee: You know, that color looks just beautiful on you. I bet your picture is going to turn out really well.

What do you know? This time, that lady was right.

Saturday, September 264:05 p.m., my computer, Weston, Missouri

My performance review results were positive. Note was made, however, of my tendency to become "stubborn" at times.

While my eyesight continues to deteriorate, I still retain peripheral vision.

The vision test machine at the Platte City Driver's License Bureau remains broken, as far I know.