Nocturnal Hemorrhoids

Quick rant.
I don’t mind you comin in to seem me when you are sick. Really, I don’t mind. Just saw a fella at 4 am because he noticed a hemorrhoid in his ass.

“Hi, I’m Jeff. I hear you have a problem down there.”
“Wow. That was fast. I thought I’d be here waiting for a while.”
“I’m fast, like a cat.”
“Well, just a minute. Lemme wash my hands. I, uh, (unintelligable mumbling)”

Washes hands and grunts.

“So how can we help you?”
“I just put my hand down there, and I felt it.”
“Lovely.”
“I swear it wasn’t there when I went to bed.”
“Well, it probably was, but you didn’t notice it until now.”
“No, I was feelin down there before I went to bed, and I swear, it wasn’t there.”
“What was your hand doing down . . . nevermind.”
“It’s a hemorrhoid. I looked it up on the web. It shouldn’t come on that quick.”
“Ok”
“What do I need to do.”
“You need to take off your pants, and I’ll take a look.”

After a brief look and a quick poke, he was discharged from the ER with cream in hand. But not before he subjected me to a list of unanswerable questions.

“I don’t have any risk factors, except I do a lot of sitting. How did this happen?”
“I don’t know.”
“It doesn’t hurt that much, like 2.5 out of 10. Is that normal?”
“I don’t know.”
“Will this cream help?”
“I don’t know.”
“I can’t stand forever. What am I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know.”

He insisted on shaking my hand again before he left, thus forcing me to immediately scrub my hands with toxic cleanser again. Nice enough guy. Just not my type.