Wednesday, 18 April 2012

do as I say....but...

One of the things that I tell every single new scribe when they ask me how I got "so good" is practice. I worked at it. I did tons of scrolls and when I began I sucked and to prove it I show them pictures of just how badly I sucked. So...it would stand to reason given this that I should and would follow my own advice when it comes to drawing but no, I don't. I get frustrated and mad and then I walk away from the drawing board in favour of slumming and sulking here.

In high school and 1st round of University I was actually quite good at drawing and getting better then somewhere along the line it all stopped in a single thud. In fact for a very long time I stopped being artistic at all, at least by my standards. I don't know why this happened anymore. I'm sure there were many reasons but none of them come to mind when I ask myself the why question.But there is this huge several year gap where I was so unartistic I was almost a statue.

I WANT to draw stuff, I used to love to draw stuff but I suck at it and that's because I don't do enough of it. I do not practice yet I expect to be excellently brilliant and then when I'm not I get mad.

I understand new scribes' frustrations in this area because I experience it all the time just in in different areas but it's the same feeling. That feeling of fuck I will never ever be good, I will never ever get it right and so on... ultimately leading to the fuck I suck statement which then leads me to make coffee and waste time here. It used to be enough to do some doodles say well I tried then walk away but now it's not. I WANT to improve and I know what I have to do in order for that to happen but I don't and I have to ask why the hell not? What is it about this that makes me set myself up to fail and flail?

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to being an artist. I have no patience and I want excellence now. I don't get why I was able to over come this with the SCA scribe stuff but I can't seem to deal with my real world artistic desires the same way.

And I know all the advice in the world won't solve the problem because the ONLY thing that will solve it is practice. I need to practice, and make mistakes and create garbagey art and learn. sigh.

instead I just get frustrated and find other things to procrastinate and waste time with.