THIS IS MY BLOG. AS A RULE YOU WILL SEE MANY JOKES AND PICTURES POSTED. I EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS. I HAVE THAT RIGHT STILL YET IN THIS NATION.
NEW RULES STARTING NOW ON THIS BLOG YOU MAY ATTACK ME. LEAVE ANY COMMENT YOU WANT DIRECTED AT ME. YOUR FREE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF. I WILL NOT DELETE IT.
HOWEVER IF YOU CROSS THE LINE AND ATTACK MY FAMILY IN A COMMENT I WILL DELETE THAT COMMENT. I HOPE THIS IS NOW UNDERSTOOD.
(Please accompany your Children while here this is still an adult humor blog)

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Sunday Funny's Early Edition.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+Dear Wife,1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section ofthenewspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the WorldCup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If youfail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you willbetotally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, withoutany exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, youwill lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don'tmind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and withoutdistractingme.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require arefill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if youexpect me to listen to you, open the door, and answer the telephone.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in thefridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, andplease do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over towatch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV in theafternoon, unless they replay a good game that I missed.

6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teamsis losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry,they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make meangrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever knowmore about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement"will only lead to a divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk tome during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only ifthehalftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying"one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to"spend time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I haveseen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child relatedparties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:a) I will not go,b) I will not go, andc) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday towatch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just asimportant as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "butyou have already seen this...why don't you change the channel tosomething we can all watch?" because, the reply will be, "Refer to Rule#2 of this list".

Have the best day of your life!!!!!+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.-- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.-- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.-- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.-- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?About 30 pounds.-- Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There waswater in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said,"In the lake."-- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.-- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.-- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have enduredat least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman.Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.-- Erma Bombeck

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, Iwas a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge thanto let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like tointerrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I havetwo girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not toreport it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down thestreet with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think theyare beautiful.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable toperformsexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but

nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an AmericanIndianmedicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he threw awhite powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing bluesmoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once ayear. All you have to do is say "123," and it shall rise for as longas you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it"s over, and I don"t want tocontinue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to sayis"1234",and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work

again for another year!"

Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new power and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, andputs on his most

exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lyingnext to her, he says, "

1-2-3" and suddenly he becomes more aroused than anytime in his life,just as the

medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks,

"What did you say 1-2-3 for?"+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+The Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs"they get ushered into see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but I have a importantquestion to ask you, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment andanswers, No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turnsaround and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back to facethe Pope.

"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "NoDopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopeyturns around and silences them all wit an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarfnuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywherein the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, poundingon the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!" "Dopey screwed a penguin!"+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground andgo into the woods. Curious, he followed the car, and saw Daddy and AuntDiana in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could barely containhimself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mummy," Little Johnny exclaimed, "I was at the playground and I sawDaddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Diana. I went back to look andhe was giving Aunt Diana a big kiss, then he helped her take off hershirt. Then Aunt Diana helped Daddy take his pants off, then AuntDiana......"

At this point Mum cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an'interesting' story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.Iwant to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell him tonight."

At the dinner table, Mummy asked Little Johnny to tell Daddy his story.

Mummy listened closely as Little Johnny started telling his story abouthow he saw the car go into the woods..., then watched Aunt Diana getundressed..., and then Aunt Diana laid down on the back seat...., andthen Aunt Diana and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy &Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army!!!"

MORAL TO THIS STORY:

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interruptsomeone!

My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winterapproached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally hadgottenherboots. "Tina," I commented, "I see you got new boots! Where did you getthem?" "At the store," she answered. "Which one?" I asked. She beganlookingat her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them!"+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+A little old man was escorted into the witness box.After being sworn in the lawyer asked him to explainwhat happened.After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up tothe incident he finally got around to the meat of the case, "...andthenshehit me with a maple leaf." "Surely that couldn't have caused you anyseriousinjury?" said the lawyer. "Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "Itwasthe leaf from the center of our dining room table."+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+After taking a tour of a winery in New Jersey, our groupwaited patiently to get to the wine-tasting counter. Thatwas not easy, since a man ahead of us was hogging all the samples aswell asthe attention of the salesperson. Finally it seemed that he was windingdown, as he asked the salesperson, "What should I take back to mysnobbyfriends in California?" That's when my wife said, "How about the bus?"+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searchedthis small Georgia town in which he was visiting until hefound a sign which read: "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-HourService."After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back formy suit tomorrow.""Won't be ready til Saturday," replied the proprietor."But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested."We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we onlywork eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today,eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+After I broke my ankle in a fall in our garage, I had to weara cast from the knee down. Normally my husband and I are cozysleepers, but the cast posed a problem. Several sleeplessnights later, my husband said to me in desperation,"I don't mind sleeping with the star of the show, but I can'tmanage the whole cast."+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+During an army basic training, the lieutenant took the batch on a matchandasked each of them where home was.After everyone had answered, he sneered and said, "You are all wrong,thearmy is now your home!"Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the firstsergeant if he had anything to say. "You bet I do," the sergeantreplied,"Men, while you were gone today, I found beds improperly made, clothesnothanging correctly, shoes not shined, and footlockers a mess. Where doyouthink you are? Home?"+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+My husband was a Navy chaplain deployed to the Persian Gulfat the end of Desert Storm. I did everything possible to ensure ourthreeyoung children wouldn't be worried about their father's being indanger.Itwasn't always easy, but I knew I'd succeeded when someone at churchaskedour three-year-old where his dad was.He replied, "He's in Persia, golfing."+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+A wife went to the police station with hernext-door neighbor to report her husbandwas missing. The policeman asked fora description.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say,the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing theWord Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee witha caller:"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words wentaway."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does ithavea little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the powercord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged intothe wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were twocables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find theothercable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the backofyour computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it'sdark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming infrom the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do youstill have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer camein?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like itwas when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought itfrom."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

What I learnt From The Movies

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in apassingSt Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpitlevel on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of Frenchbread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. Noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel toanyother part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it willnotbe necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building inParis.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating butwill wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out anote - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be theexact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by15cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their familyeverymorning, even though the husband and children never have time to eatthem. The Mother will not be upset by this.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of afootball stadium.

14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them allthan 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closelyinvestigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially ifany of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fightinvolving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack youone by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you haveknocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the personyou are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk totheir back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your roomwill still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to eachother.