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I am 47 years old and I realized I still have so many unanswered questions!!!! I never found out who let the Dogs Out…where’s the beef…how to get to Sesame Street… why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps…Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same……why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that’s tough as nails…why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed… why “abbreviated” is such a long word… …why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons… why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections… and, why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts” where’s that extra penny going to… why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune… why did you just try to sing those two previous songs… and just what is Victoria’s secret? …and do you really think I am this witty?? … I actually got this from a friend, who stole it from her brother’s girlfriend’s, uncle’s cousin’s, baby momma’s doctor who lived next door to an old class mate’s mail man…Now it is your turn to take it from me…Peace!!
Copy and Paste, change the age, and enjoy your day!! 😘

Southerners have a way of expressing ourselves that often mystifies those ‘not from ’round here’. While some Southernsayings remain so idiosyncratic and region-specific they might as well be Greek to an outside listener, even other Southerners, there are many that have gained popularity far beyond the South.

Presented here are 50 of the best of these Southern gems for your reading enjoyment. Whether it’s describing lazy people, fat people, skinny people, dishonest people, dumb people or just dishing on life in general, Southerners have got an ‘ism’ for the job. Some of these are so clean you can repeat them around the reverend after Sunday service and others are dirtier than two ticks mud-wrestling in an outhouse. Hopefully, by the time you’re finished reading them you’ll be tickled pink, or at the very least grinnin’ like the cat that got the canary.

He’s so dumb he couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel.

She could start an argument in an empty house.

He’s about as useless as a screen door on a submarine.

His elevator don’t go all the way to the top. He’s one fry short of a Happy Meal. Or, as my grandma used to say, “He don’t got all what belongs to him.” All taken to mean, “He/She is crazy.”

She’s so tall if she fell down she’d be halfway home.

It’s hotter than a billy goat’s ass in a pepper patch.

I feel like i’ve been rode hard and hung up dry. (When one feels exhausted or otherwise worn down.) (EDIT: As many in the comments have pointed out to me, the correct saying is, “… been rode hard and hung up TO dry.” or “been rode hard and hung up wet.”)

That makes about as much sense as tits on a bull. (Note: ‘Bull’ can be substituted for almost anything, including inanimate objects. ‘Tits on a bicycle’, etc.)

She was busier than a cat buryin’ sh– on a marble floor.

I bought it for a song and you can sing it yourself. (Used to describe something that is/was extremely cheap.)

She has her nose so high in the air she could drown in a rainstorm. (For people who are very conceited.)

He’s as windy as a sack full of farts. (Used for someone who is a blowhard/known liar.)

He could fall into a barrel of sh– and come out smelling like roses. Me on the other hand, I could fall into a barrel of ti–ies and come out suckin’ my thumb. (Used to describe someone’s good or bad luck.)

I’m sweatin’ like a whore in church. (Variation: I’m sweatin’ like a sinner in church.)

He’s so bad he whups his own ass twice a week.

He’s so useless if he had a third hand he’d need an extra pocket to stick it in.

She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone.

He doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. (Used for someone who is dirt poor.)

It’s colder than a witch’s tit. (Variation: ‘It’s colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra’.)

He’s so full of sh– his eyes are brown.

He’s slicker than pig snot on a radiator. (Variation: ‘slicker than snot on a glass door knob.’)

She’s as dumb as a bag of hammers/rocks.

He don’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.

If I tell you a duck can pull a truck, then shut up and hook the sucker up. (Used when you’re sure you know what you’re talking about, even if someone else believes to the contrary.)

Wadn’t nothin’ between him and the Lord but a smile. (Describes when someone is absolutely stark, buck nekkid.)

He ain’t got the good sense God gave a goose.

He’s so rich he buys a new boat when he gets the other one wet.

She was madder than a wet hen. (Ever got a hen wet before? Well, you’re sitting here reading this so no, of course you haven’t.)

I’m shakin’ like a hounddog trying to sh– a peach pit.

She was so buck-toothed she could eat corn through a picket fence.

He’s about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

He didn’t know whether to sh– or go blind so he winked his right eye and farted. (Used for someone who is easily confused, or otherwise dim-witted.)

She was busy as a cat on a hot tin roof. (Yes, this is where Tennessee Williams got the name from.)

That stinks so bad it could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.

Quit goin’ around your ass to get to your elbow. (Meaning to take the long way or do things the hard way.)

Put wishes in one hand and sh– in the other and see which one fills up first.

She ain’t worth the salt in her bread. (Another gem from dear ol’ grandma.)

It’s cold as a well digger’s ass in January.

He doesn’t know whether to check his ass or scratch his watch.

I’m so hungry my belly thinks my throat’s been cut.

I gotta piss so bad my eyeballs are floatin’.

He’s about as useless as a bent d— dog.

It’s hotter than two rabbits screwin’ in a wool sack.

He’s drunk as Cooter Brown. (Cooter Brown, whomever he was, was famous for being a notorious drunk. So famous in fact that yes, he does indeed have his own Wikipedia entry.)

He couldn’t find his own ass with both hands stuck in his back pockets.

I’m busier than a 2-dollar whore on nickel night.

He’s crazier than a sh–house rat. (If you ever have the misfortune of meeting a rat who lives in an outhouse, you’ll immediately understand this one.)

She’s hot as a 2 dollar pistol. (Yes, clearly this is a very old one. Adjusted for inflation, nowadays it’d probably be more like, ‘Hotter than a $20 pistol.’)

The nice photo above of the house with Autumn leaves is copyrighted. You can clearly see the watermark. Please remove it from your blog, it is an illegal use of the image. It belongs to me. You can go to Dreamstime.com and license the use of the image.

My apologies, Art, it says free stock photos on your site so I assumed they were fair game. I was careful to properly attribute them to your domain just to be on the safe side. I’ve taken them down as per your request. Again, mea culpa.

Art sounds madder than a wet hen! (#28) And Darron feels lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon rut about it (heard that one from Jed on “The Beverly Hillbillies”). Just trying to relate the comments to the topic… 😉

I apologize ahead of time. My family NEVER used that word & I won’t here, but it’s obvious what was said. This I’ve only heard once when way back in the early 60’s we were at a huge flea market w/ a neighbor lady. She told Mama she was “as hot as an n—– at election”. Mama & I thought we’d get shot! We’d say I’m sweatin’ like a pig! But I’ve never figured out how bad a pig sweats!

I can’t believe all of the disagreement on this one. “rode hard and put up wet, rode hard and put away wet, rode hard and hung up to dry” are all just variations of the same saying. Just because it is different from what another person heard doesn’t make it wrong.

Men say, “She looks like she was rode hard and put up wet”, means a woman who sleeps with lots of men. easy. Like a woman with a tattoo on her crack, she’s got a tramp stamp. Means she’s advertising her ass. My brother in Georgia says it a lot, Lordy, Lordy,

“Rode hard, and put up wet” is the expression referring to working hard and long w/o an end in sight or any rest. Refers to riding a horse hard then putting hit up still wet, which is dangerous to the animal.

For those who don’t know, this means someone is very unorganized & chaotic, anxious or panicky. I’ve SEEN a chicken running around w/o a head, & a snake wiggle after losing it’s head too! That’s VERY disorganized!

No, Charles, not mad at all. I earn my living from proceeds of my photos. If you owned a store, would you want people walking out with your products? I routinely police my images on the internet. Copyright violation is as common as peanuts. General rule to understand is that if you didn’t take the image, it doesn’t belong to you. Also, if you see a copyright watermark on it, that should ring a bell that it is not free. I’m a generous person by heart but I really don’t feel I owe the world my images for free.

Chris Topher Wade – huh? When you ride a horse, you don’t ride him hard, then put him in the stable all sweaty. He needs to be cooled down and calmed down……he needs to be dry brushed so his hide isn’t soaking wet. Of course the saddle is removed, if that’s what you mean.

Me, too!I In fact I’m about, I mean I’m fixin’ to check out the sequel site for more of them! Been out of GA for only 3 1/2 yrs & forgettin’ my raisin’! I’d better practice my -ism’s as well as my so-called ack-cint! I cain’t make folks see that THEY’RE the ones w/ the ack-cint!! 😉

The only version of #7 I’ve heard is “I feel like I’ve been rode hard and put away wet.” It’s clearly a reference to horses, which sweat when ridden hard, and which you’re supposed to wipe down afterwards. I got this expression from my mom, who is in her mid-seventies, so I assume “hung up wet” is a later, misunderstood version said by people who don’t know anything about horses. You don’t hang up a horse.

“He got paid under the table”, A foreigner came and heard the men a talking about politics and the foreigner starts to laughing. We all would not get what the laughing was about, so I asked, “What ya” laughin about. and the reply was. “Did he really get paid under the table. I said, “Shoot yourself in the Head” I’m southern born and southern breed.

example: a northern moves south and has a child. The child wouldn’t be a “southern” because of being born in the south. Southern is how you are raised not where you are born. Therefore kittens born in an oven are still kittens, just because there are born in an oven doesn’t automatically make them biscuits.

One of my very favorites…My grandmother and I were on our way to the Dr.’s office early one morning and we saw a really wrinkly tired messed up woman on her way home from last nights party and my grandmother said…Phew, her face looks like it wore out two bodies.

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!, I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck, I rode in on the axle.And Oh, just put on your granny panties and deal with it are a few others that I have have heard.

(to describe ass-kickings) He beat him like: a rented mule, a red-headed step child, he owed him money.
Couldn’t find his ass with both hands and a flashlight.
slicker’n goose sh** on a linoleum floor.
and the expression is “going around your elbow to get to your thumb.”

CITIZ For the love of God and country , the few, the true and the blue

‘EVIL CAN ONLY EXIST, WHEN GOOD MEN DO NOTHING ”

SMART FLIGHT ATTENDANT

A 50-something year old Muslim man arrived at his seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn’t want the seat.
The seat was next to a…n elderly white woman reading her Bible.

Disgusted, the Muslim man immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat.
The man said”I cannot sit here next to this infidel.”
The flight attendant said “Let me see if I can find another seat.”

After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated
“There are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class.”

About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated
“The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy,
but there is one in first class.
It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class,
but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to anUNPLEASANT person,
the captain agreed to make the switch to first class.”

Before the irate Muslim man could say anything, the attendant gestured to the elderly woman and said,
“Therefore, madam, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items,
we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn’t want you to sit next to an unpleasant person.”

Passengers in the seats nearby began to applaud while some gave a standing ovation.

got a letter from grandma the other day. she writes: the other day i went up 2 a local christian book store & saw a “honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. i was feeling particularly sassy that day because i had just come from a trilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so i bought the sticker & put it on my bumper. yeah boy, i’m so glad i did . what an uplifting experience that followed!!! i was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost n thought about the lord & how good he is. I DIDN’T NOTICE THAT THE LIGHT HAD CHANGED. it is a good thing some1 else loves Jesus because if he had hadn’t honked, i’d never have noticed! i found that lots of people love Jesus! y, while ji was just sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy & then he leaned out of his window & screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!” what an exuberant cheerleader he was 4 Jesus. every1 started honking! i just leaned out of my window & started waving & smiling at all these loving people. i even honked my horn a few times 2 share n the love! there must have been a man from florida back there because i heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach.” i saw another guy waving n a funny way with just his middle finger stuck up n the air. then i asked my teenage grandson n the back seat, “what that meant?” “it must b a goodluck sign from hawaii or something, he thought. well, i’ve never met any1 from hawaii, so i leaned out the window & gave him the good luck sign back. my grandson burst out laughing…y even he was enjoying this religious experience! a couple of the people were so caught up n the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars & started walking towards me. i bet they wanted 2 pray or ask what church i attended, but this is when i noticed the light had changed; so i waved 2 all my sisters & brothers GRINNING, & drove on through the intersection. i noticed i was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again.

i felt kind of sad that i had 2 leave them after all the love we had shared, so i slowed the car down, leaned out the window, & gave them all the hawaiian good luck sign 1 last time as i drove away. love granny