America's one-time favorite British person almost joined the cast of America's one-time favorite sitcom. A match made in sad heaven! Also today: news from Cannes, a bloody upfront scares us all, and of course Hunger Games casting news.

Haha, whoa, this is a totally crazy thing. You know how they were looking for a big star to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, because Charlie Sheen finally fully metamorphosed into a full drug-demon? Well it turns out they were like thisclose to signing Hugh Grant for the role. They were going to give him a million bucks an episode, but he pulled out at the last minute because of "creative differences." That's nuts! Well dodged, Grant. Though, I suppose, quality or not, a million dollars a week is a million fucking dollars a week. You know what I would do for a million dollars a week? I'd probably kill at least a few of you. I'm just putting it out there. Not trying to make you scared, this is just a hypothetical. But if that were offered, a few of you, and I'm not going to say who, would probably be killed, by me. Just saying. That's a lot of money. [Deadline]

Fox had their upfronts last night, announcing their slate of new shows and revealing the sad fate of some current series. And boy, they were merciless. They canceled five shows from this year's lineup, none of which were performing well enough. Say goodbye to actioner Human Target, cop shows Lie to Me and The Chicago Code, and comedies Traffic Light (I blame the terrible name) and Breaking In. (Poor Christian Slater on that one, but also poor Bret Harrison, who just cannot get on a series that lasts.) Say hello to J.J. Abrams's Alcatraz, a show called The Finder which is a spinoff of The Bones (I think just Finder would be better than The Finder, but what do I know), Zooey Deschanel's sitcom The New Girl, and Jamie Pressly's (good for her!) laugher I Hate My Teenage Daughter. As for pilots that didn't get picked up, the underworked Lauren Ambrose had a show that didn't go, the Nick Stahl/Miranda Otto ghost house mystery (once very buzzed-about) Locke & Key is a no, and poor sweet beautiful Matt Saracen himself Zach Gilford had a romance that didn't woo the network. Oh, Zach. Why don't you come over and we'll make our own pilot. It'll be called Drinking Wine and Then Kissing for a Long While. I'm sure that's the kind of thing Fox will totally be into next year. [EW]

Hungums! Grums! Hungggaaaaa. Hunger Games! Haha. You are all going to shoot me in the face for continuing to talk about this silly movie, but I will never stop, never ever. Three more people have been cast. First, Woodrick "Woody" Harrelson has been cast as the drunken former Hunger Games victor turned coach, Haymitch. I don't love that casting, Harrelson seems a little too genial, but it could be a lot worse. The other kids cast are the last two tributes, the fearsome duo from District 2. These are bigger parts than others, so they cast actual actors, Alexander Ludwig, from Race to Witch Mountain, and Isabelle Fuhrman, who played the (SPOILER ALERT) secret dwarf in Orphan: The Legend of Secret Dwarf. (As Cato and Clove, respectively.) Hm. They both look really young and, I dunno, small to play these two ferocious murdering kids? But, I guess they are supposed to be, well, kids, so it makes sense. Anyway, don't worry guys! There are only a few more notable roles to cast and then we'll be done. Until they start casting the second one, obvs. And then the third one. [EW, THR]

Phew, OK. There is lots of casting news coming in from Cannes, where lots of big deals tend to go down. First up, celebrated television actors Katie Holmes and Chace Crawford have signed on to star in Responsible Adults, about a med student who has the hots for a younger guy, and he for her, until she finds out that she used to babysit for him. So that ought to be fun. Both of them are such sexy, dynamic actors. I can't wait to watch the sparks fly! Or at least to watch the sparks dimly sputter out and then fall the floor, unnoticed. At least that. [Deadline]

Also at Cannes, Hilary Swank and Matthew McConaughey have agreed to star in a drama called The Dallas Buyers Club, about a Texas man diagnosed with AIDS who begins smuggling drugs into the country from Mexico to help himself and other AIDS patients. Presumably Swank will play the man and McConaughey will play the drugs. [THR]

Two more little Cannes tidbits. One: Halle Berry, Ben Whishaw, and Hugo Weaving are all joining Tom Hanks in the Wachowskis/Tom Tykwer adaptation of the much-beloved, centuries-spanning novel The Cloud Atlas. Two: apparently Woody Allen's newest film, Midnight in Paris, is a charming and wistful time-traveling look at artistry and nostalgia, all set against the backdrop of one of the world's most beautiful places, Albany, NY Paris, France. Sounds good to me! [THR, THR]

Fox isn't the only network announcing new shows! TNT's wacky younger sibling, TBS, is too. Well, they're annoying a new show, singular. They've ordered to series The Wedding Band, an hour-long (new for them!) comedy-drama about guys in a, well, wedding band. One of those guys is Harold "Where's Ma Boy?" Perrineau. Another one is Brian Austin Green! Yay, David! Now you stay away from that Ariel, for real this time, OK? She's no good. No good at all. TBS has decided not to continue on with Ron Shelton's Hound Dogs, which is too bad for its stars Lolita Davidovich and Laura Bell Bundy. They also won't pursue anything further with Brain Trust which starred Michael Urie. Aw. He can come to my Zach Gilford pilot taping if he wants. [Deadline]