(Closed) Parents who suck the joy out of enagement…

My background: I was married for like 3 weeks approx 10 years ago. I was married to a man 10 years older than me who I did not even really like. I got too caught up in wanting a wedding and wanting to move out of my parents house (I was 22) and then my wealthy parents started throwing all kinds of crazy money on throwing a gala Hollywood style wedding inviting everyone they’d ever known.

The night before my first wedding, I actually took sleeping pills and prayed I would not wake up. (my parents do not know that though). I recall being very upset when I did wake up. I tried to back out of it but my parents said no, we’ve spent too much. Blah. 3 weeks in, the guy raised a hand to me when I told him I wouldn’t quit my job and stay home. I left. I told my parents I was having it annulled. They offered to pay for a lawyer and did. But they also told me I was “lying” about him trying to hit me and that I humiliated them.

Eventually, I went back and I kicked him out and took over the condo we lived in. The annullment took longer to process than we were actually married. Then I got rid of the condo and moved in with a roommate elsewhere. The rest is history.

Fast forward 9 years later. I have been on my own, and not close to my folks for all this time. I have some ok relationships, some baaaad relationships but then last year, I meet my soulmate. We become almost inseperable. We’ve talked about every possible issue, we agree on all major points and knew we wanted to get married literally about 6 months in. Exactly 1 year to the date that we met, my fiance proposed in the exact spot where he first saw me in Salem, MA. 🙂

We plan on having a small wedding in about 2 years, paying for it ourselves and doing something offbeat and different that is more “us”. We are not traditional people. I’m, for lack of a better term, rather goth. He is in a metal band and we are both just drawn to the darker aspects of life. We’re also both very emotional and uber romantics. We’re excited,

His family is thrilled. He is 35 and will be the first of his parents kids to be married. His mom is a self proclaimed “goth” also and she LOVES that I want to do some different things. I love my future Mother-In-Law and can’t wait to hang out with her more.

My brother is psyched for me. He was the first person I told.

However my parents… they have managed to suck most of the bliss out of this happy time for me. They are being ridiculously critical. Apparently, they think I’m the same person at 32 that I was at 22. They have apparently never heard of closing doors and putting the past behind you. My mom is also saying that my ring is not a “real” engagment ring because it’s not a $1K+ clear diamond. Their first reaction to our happy news? “I hope you don’t think we’re paying for another one”. WTH!?

I understand their concern but honestly, I got over the first mistake 10 years ago. I also have not asked them for a dime, yet they keep insisting I’m “hinting that I want money”… My mom is refusing to even tell her friends because as far as she is concerned, until my fiance (who I should stress that she adores and thinks is the best thing to ever happen to me) gets me a “real” engagement ring.

She also flew off the handle when I told her we plan to keep the guest list to 75 or under, and that I am not asking my sister in law or cousin (who I never see or talk to) to be the matron of honor. I plan to have a man of honor, because my best friend is a man. My fiance suggested it actually and is totally cool with that.

I am really sorry you having to go through this at a VERY happy time – So first off CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!

I would just talk upfront with your parents and tell them that you appreciate what they did for you 10 years ago but this time around it is going to be different you are in Love, the ring is PERFECT because he bought it for you, you are going to pay for everything yourself and have the wedding of YOUR dreams!

If you tell them all of that and they still give you a hard time I personally would distance myself throughout the wedding planning! But I am sure they will love you and respect your wishes if you tell them out right!

(HUGS) Try and not let them suck the joy out of it…which is easier said than done. Maybe you could sit down with your parents and explain that you regret the mistake of your past, but this is different this time you are doing it your way, they can be a part or an observer, but this is your life now. Maybe if it is all in one conversation, with a calm serious tone they will get the message. Hope it all works out for you!

I totally understand where you are coming from. While I can’t imagine what a horrible situation you went through, I too made a HUGE mistake with my first marriage. My parents are not being quite so hard on me, but there has been comments here and there, and it’s extremely hurtful.

I think these are just things you have to ignore. I have come to realize that they are everyone else’s problems and I am actually very happy. They will have to come to terms with your marriage…and wedding…and ring!! It’s not easy but you have to remember it’s THEIR issue.

Sorry to hear about the struggles with the family. There always has to be one or two people to rain on the parade. I just don’t get that. I understand the ring thing too, I have a blue stone and some people look at me funny when I show them. But this ring is totally me and my Fiance. It is what I wanted 6 years ago for my first e-ring and didn’t get it because it has to be a diamond. Don’t get me wrong my diamond ring I had was gorgeous, but it just wasn’t me. I also understand the themed wedding, we are doing one centered around airplanes because Fiance is a pilot. So some people think it is a little strange. But again, this is who we are and we are excited about sharing this with our friends and families! I hope they come around and know you can always vent to us here!

That really sucks, hun, and I’m really sorry you’re going through this. If it were me, I would plan on going over to their house for lunch or something, and try to clear the air. Just flat out tell them that you’re hurt my all the ring comments, and you don’t plan on upgrade because you love it, and that you’re not asking for any financial assistance from them, so you’d appreciate those comments to stop as well. Just say if they can’t live with that, you’ll have to not involve them in the wedding planning, and since you’re genuinely happy this time around, you’d like their support. Just be calm and collected about it, and if they get emotional, just say, “I’ve said what I’ve had to say, and I understand you guys are probably going through a lot, too, so this is a decision you’ll have to make: either be involved and let me do things MY way, or don’t support me and miss out on the happiest day of my life.”

I think if you just show them that you’re being responsible and that you’re happy, they’ll eventually come around (after some time to let it sink it).

Hugs! Maybe this is all just really surprising for the sheer fact that you haven’t been close with them in the past? THey may have issues seeing you as older b/c they haven’t seen the 10 year transition. By The Way, my parents would have made the SAME comment about money. Oye. Even now, they say, “boy if you ever get divorced, we’ll be glad we didn’t pay for it.” Thanks. Sometimes it’s nice to not be so blunt!

In the meantime, maybe stop syharing less traditional ideas, particularly if they’re just raining on your parade! Sorry your parents aren’t being accepting and cool with stuff, that’s a definite downer in such a happy time. Maybe having a chat with them will help. Tell them you hope they realize you made a mistake 10 YEARS ago but you’ve moved on and so should they. Wehther or not you have a diamond engagement ring is bull-hockey. YOu’re getting married regardless and if your mother chooses to be too embarassed or whatever to tell her friends, that’s her fault. Take joy in those around you who revel in your happiness! Check out offbeatbride for nifty “gothic” and different ideas. They have some very unique brides who do some really cool non-traditional stuff!

I am so sorry that things have started out so stressful…CONGRATS THOUGH! and I am completely behind you doing exactly what you and your fiance want in terms of a wedding!

People looked at us the same way with a cruise/destination wedding–first because we were not offering to pay for the families and then second because its a Sunday-Thursday.

Oh well its what works best for US and thats what WE want to do and thats exactly what we have told everyone who complains about it. Just remember its about you guys and happiness that will last much longer than the wedding days itself and don’t let the bad ones get you down! Best Wishes!