Sexual Abuse as a child

Category Archives: Surviving Sexual Abuse

In the area I live in one of the first questions you might be asked is, where do you go to church? Now days my answer is nowhere. I’ve been to many churches in my years of life and have discovered that going to church now causes me undue anxiety and problems. Sure, I learned some things about the Bible, good things mostly, but I also learned how to be judge mental of those that weren’t like me, angry at the things in the world to the point of being almost radical, and I learned that it contains a lot of people that stay in their own little groups. I’m not saying don’t go, I’m not saying all churches are bad, but I am saying if you’re relying on that to have a relationship with God, you are truly missing the boat.
If you truly want to know if God exists scientifically you’ll never figure that one out. But if you want to first-hand account of what he can do, you talk to someone like me that’s been to hell and back and still believes he exists. Because I will tell you right now my God exists, no, the only God exists. Jesus, you know, his father is also my father.if you want to know about it then you talk to someone that has been through drug addiction, abuse of any kind, the loss of children, etc.

Chances are if you don’t believe in God, it’s because you never really trusted in him ever to begin with. If you’re waiting for somebody to zap you into shape, or to magically get rid of your problems, well that’s not God. If you truly get on your knees and humble yourself and don’t ask for the mountains to be moved in front of your face, you’ll get an answer. It may not be the one that you want, but, remember you asked God for his advice because evidently you don’t have the answers, right?

My church consists of my God first and foremost, and my family, and one close friend. I can worship with them, pray with them, and feel more safe with them then I ever feel within the walls of the so-called church. I’m telling you here and now don’t blame God for the problems you see within a church, it’s the people in that church causing the problems the same as you get out in the regular world with people walking on the sidewalk. If you need that kind of established worship then have at it, but I’m telling you it sure as hell ain’t for me!

As I said in one of my other posts, the start of 2016 was, well, a nightmare. I won’t give you any details, other than to say, I thought my whole life was going to hell in a hand basket.

Now, it’s the end of January and I feel like I’m walking on clouds. I feel appreciated, loved, protected and because of a skin care product I use, I finally feel pretty.

It takes some sanding down to bare metal sometimes to find the smooth. The expression, “Diamond in the Rough,” fits my life to a T.

I am trying to learn to be positive instead of a DEBBIE DOWNER. I’m trying not to always wait for the sky to fall. Just because life is good right now, doesn’t mean it is going to end. I love my family, each and everyone of them. My husband is at work and I miss him. After eight years of marriage, we are cuddling and listening to each other. It’s a shame we as humans have to go through rough periods in our lives to appreciate how wonderful our lives really are.

Please, take the advice of a 48 year old, stop being so negative. It’s stressful and uncalled for. Life IS what you make of it. So, make it beautiful.

I used to worry on a daily basis, for example, I feel like I will die at an early age, or something is going to take my happiness away. Every ache and pain I had was the end of the world, then, I started counseling and depression meds, I found out the root of my negativity. Part the sexual abuse, part genetics. My father, from what I understand had emotional issues, I mean my biological father. A person can hear so many horror stories, that if you already have emotional problems, anxiety, and depression, every little thing you go through feels like the end of the world. After years of meds and counseling, plus my age, I am finally learning to take life as it comes, one day at a time. I mean, really, what can you do about sicknesses, or someone’s bad decisions? Nothing, you pray, put it in God’s hands and count every good day, blessing and calm hour. I have learned this the hard way. In my 20’s and early 30’s, I borrowed trouble, waiting for the next shoe to drop. That’s no way to live. I can’t and won’t do it any more. It’s time to live, enjoy life and enjoy my kids and my grand baby.

Let it go, stop worrying, relax and take a day at a time. you’ll feel so much better.

Since I endured the childhood sexual abuse, I have many quirks. I don’t trust anyone, I feel constantly watched, I don’t sleep well, memories pop up out of no where, (whether it be the abuse or a bad experience with an ex), I feel the constant need for justice, (whether it be me or my kids), I hate someone making decisions without me or consulting me, I love being alone, I go through bouts of not wanting sex, I love to be in control, yet some people take that away from me, I don’t appreciate weak individuals, I appreciate privacy, I need affection, yet have trouble accepting it. I am very observant of those around me and can usually spot a poser. I believe in Christ as my savior, yet I know that there are things that just happen and there isn’t always and explanation. There are people I am loyal to, and feel the need to protect them. I am intolerant of some people and their constant need for attention. I have thoughts of hurting someone, yet, they are only thoughts, and it is just people that hurt me. Sometimes I feel religious organizations, (church or Christians), claim being changed for self gratification or to hide something, yet I love Christ. There are times that I don’t care what anyone thinks. I feel there are certain family members that do not understand me or my pain. I hate it when someone does not respect me or they break their promises. I don’t feel good about my personality or my appearance. I feel unworthy regardless of what it is. I feel like I am constantly judged, because people do not understand what I’ve been through. I feel robbed of my innocence and childhood. There are times that I would love to shut off my phone and ignore the world, or that someone would want to do something for me. I live with constant reminder that if my mother loved me enough, she would have turned my stepfather in. I feel that I am never taken seriously, and that people think I’m crazy because I am mentally ill, because of the abuse. I feel people are waiting for me to screw up or fail. I have thoughts of the abuse daily, yet cannot talk about it with anyone, because I feel they are tired of hearing it. I wish my mother would leave my stepfather, and be the parent that I deserved to have. I will be in counseling and on medication for the rest of my life. There are so many other quirks that I can’t think of or cannot put into words right now.

People just do not understand the effects of sexual abuse and those that are family, that have someone that this has happened to, they should do research and do everything possible to understand their loved one that has been abused.

I heard something on a TV series today, What If. You can spend your life asking that question. What if I had a different mother, what if I had never been sexually abused, what if I hadn’t made such bad choices….. Does that help you move forward? No! It keeps you stuck in the past and in a fantasy world. Life is life, bad things happen, the survivors thrive. I am a survivor, and the bad things, like it or not have made me what I am. What am I? A wise, well rounded, survivor. Tough, straight forward and to the point. I tell you what I think, and that’s the way it is. I am transparent and honest. Don’t do it. Don’t play the What If game!

My perspective has changed so much as I get older and now as of 2/2/2015, I became a Grandmother, (Mi Mi). I have made it through all of the crap to see the positive. I am alive, I am a mother, a stepmother, and now, a Mi Mi. I am blessed. So no more what if’s, it is the now!! Now I am wise, now I am a survivor, NOW I AM HAPPY!!!!!

I had such a good discussion with my children today, they’re very wise young women. I was raised in the bible belt as were they, under strict (religious), teaching. Notice that I parenthesized RELIGIOUS, because, I know there is a difference in a relationship with the one and only true God and the duties of a religion. In saying that, since I have a grandbaby on the way, we were discussing topics that concern us on raising this child without conflict.

So my youngest and I told my daughter that we would always try to not contradict what she teaches her little girl, with our own opinions or beliefs. The discussion brought up, my mother and the child molester she is married to. My oldest, of course, does not want any of us, rightfully so, to stop and talk to either of them when this little grandchild of mine has been brought into the world. My exact wishes of course, it should be common sense after my mother was given a choice to leave this man or she wouldn’t see the baby, yet, she chose to stay with who I will call, “That Man.” Her choice, right? Now here is where I do not understand the confusion with “religious” people, now I remind you, I am a Christ believer, with a personal relationship with God. DIFFERENCE, religion, is: A religion is an organized collection of beliefs, cultural systems, and world views that relate humanity to an order of existence. Many religions have narratives, symbols, and sacred histories that are intended to explain the meaning of life and/or to explain the origin of life or the Universe. Do you see the difference?

My daughter explained to her other Grandmother and Grandfather that they were not to stop and talk to my mother and “That man,” while with the grandchild. Their reaction was, “I”M NOT GOING TO BE RUDE,” Really? My daughter expressed a wish for the protection of her child and you are worried about being rude to a woman that let her own child continue to be victimized for years, even after she knew if had and was happening. It shouldn’t even be a question. A child molester and his wife! The worst thing, is that it was no secret that it had happened to anyone, not even them. I believe the problem is religion and the interpretation there with. My book covers this, Forgiveness IS NOT Permission. Forgiveness is for the person that needs to forgive, to be able to let go and heal, not because it is a duty. Here is Wikipedia’s definition of Forgiveness:

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.[1][2][3] Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), pardoning (granted by a representative of society, such as a judge), forgetting (removing awareness of the offense from consciousness), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship).[1] In certain contexts, forgiveness is a legal term for absolving or giving up all claims on account of debt, loan, obligation or other claims.[4][5]Now, do you see the difference. I truly believe that most leaders of churches have taught members and people being counseled, the wrong idea about forgiveness. When my pastor, and church, knew that I had been sexually abused, I should have been told, that it was ok to not have an active relationship with my mother or “That man,” instead it was treated as if it were marriage counseling and the family had to work out this issue. It wasn’t an issue, it was an illegal act against a child that had horrendous effects on my life. Had I been given the proper advice to leave the relationship, my life might be very different. So many effects come from sexual abuse, depression, PTSD, social anxiety disorder, severe anxiety disorder, etc…… Why would a church, pastor, or any official of a church or organization encourage a relationship with a child molester, yet, they do. Why? Forgiveness, and their interpretation there of. Christ like, Christ forgave anyone and everyone, and so we should, but he was also the Son of God that died for our sins. Even the sins of a child molester, if they so chose to except Christ, total other subject though. Let’s put it this way. If I went to my pastor and I said, ” Mom just killed my daughter, I’m so upset and confused, I don’t know what to do!” I would hope they wouldn’t say, “well you have to forgive because you are commanded to by the bible. And because this is your mother, you must forgive her, and then continue to love and cherish the relationship with your mother.” It would be ignorant, wouldn’t it? Yet in many abusive situations, I have seen just this type of advice. When I told people, that were involved in church, or are so called Christians that I had told my mother I couldn’t have a relationship with her, because she was still married to the man that she allowed to hurt me, you would have thought I was the lowest of lows. Wake up people, that was the most mature, healthy decision I’ve ever made and I just wish I had been told earlier it was ok for me to make that decision. Ladies and gentlemen, I am here to tell you, Christian or otherwise, if you are abused, were abused whatever, it’s all right to sever ties with the people that have hurt you or are. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HELL BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR MAMA!!!! FORGIVE, (LET GO), THEN MOVE ON, AWAY FROM THE SITUATION, IT’S NOT SAFE FOR YOU OR YOUR FAMILY TO STAY WITH OR AROUND AN ABUSER. MOLESTERS OR PEDOPHILES DO NOT REFORM, LOOK AT STUDIES. WAKE UP PASTORS, CHURCH GOERS AND CHRISTIANS. PLEASE!!! The continuous exposure to a child molester, and the advice that you’re giving could ruin a family completely and allow a molester to victimize someone else. Oh, and if you know a crime is currently being committed, YOU ARE BOUND BY LAW TO REPORT!!!!! A church or religious organization is not exempt from the law.

I am very touchy on this subject, because people are given very wrong advice sometimes by churches, and of course they follow the advice thinking that, because it’s church, it’s the right advice. Pastors and church leaders really should be more educated about abuse, in all aspects before they give the advice to FORGIVE. Educate yourselves, and make sure the advice you give is right, or you could ruin a lot of lives. Is this harsh? Am I right? Is this biblical. Did God not give His people common sense, did He have to put everything in black and white before we can make decisions? You can Like what I’ve said above or not, I don’t care, I have lived it. I went through all of it, and I know that a life cannot flourish in Christ or outside of Christ if it’s living in the past or in abuse.

Long story short, I am so glad the discussion came about. I know where my daughters stand, I know they are behind me, and I know without a doubt my decision, and their decision to not see my mother every again, is RIGHT!!! Respect our wishes, put yourself in our shoes. If you think we should still see my mom and her husband, well, you give it a try first. Let my mom baby sit your child or grandchildren with “That man,” in the house, and then tell me that you felt comfortable, safe and at total ease with either of them alone with your precious children. Then we’ll talk, although, your opinion wouldn’t matter to me unless it was right. 😉

Since my last post my daughters and I met with my mother. We had a very long talk with her giving her the choice to leave my molester in hopes of keeping all of the children safe that will be in our family and letting her know that her husband/Molester would never change and never had. As we know he had made a pass at me two years earlier. My daughter also revealed some things to her that she knew yet didn’t seem do you think they were pertinent. Things that were so obvious to us yet she chose to deny. The long story short is that she had to think about it, in other words we had told her it was him or us. After “thinking about it” she contacted me by texting me a day later telling me that love could not be bullied and that she had to stay with him and that she had felt we had always made our choice. My response was, that since she must not have texted my daughters that I would forward her decision and let them know that she had chosen him over us. I told her in the text that we had not made our decision until she had made hers. In conclusion we can see that is so hard for someone to realize that they are living with a total monster and are willing to lose the people that truly love them for money.