Whipped into shape by a diet dominatrix

I AM in a dungeon, being whipped on the back of my legs with tree branches
by a dominatrix.

No, I am not auditioning as an extra for the upcoming Fifty Shades Of Grey
movie – I am at the Slimmeria retreat in East Sussex and I am told this
treatment will do wonders for my health.

It is a miracle I am still alive after three days on a raw, vegetarian diet –
a meagre 400 calories a day – and a brutal exercise regime.

The birching process, which involves being whipped by branches, is to help
stimulate circulation and is brilliant for cellulite and will make my legs
as smooth and toned as Elle Macpherson’s, apparently.

From the cedar steam barrel, where your body is left to sweat in a locked-up
tub, to the honey massage, where you are hit all over your body for an hour
by a woman with the sweet nectar on her hands, this is anything but a spa
break.

“Diet dominatrix” Galia, from Uzbekistan, calls her guests inmates because the
regime is so strict it is not dissimilar to prison. Nobody gets away without
being yelled at but everybody goes home having lost LOADS of weight.
In three days, I lost 6lb.

A typical day is as follows: At 7am you are woken for a cup of lemon tonic
(warm water). Then there is a two-hour hike followed by an egg cup’s worth
of vegetable juice.