cameleonning

I just bumped into some notes from 2013. And OBVIOUSLY I laughed, cause that’s what I do when I encounter awkward inexplicable situations. If nothing else this year, so far has been about changes. Incremental changes to be precise. And to top that off, had a bunch of theory to go around it. To be sure I get the concept and all at an academic level. But as you learn, everything happens in cycles. And I already knew that nothing’s new under the sun. Even as you change, and at times you loose sense of who you are, it’s good to look back at you, to trace yourself down, you’d be amazed. You might be still you.

If this is even a word, it.s rather irrelevant. The point being – that.s me. I haven.t been around the blog for long. Once last year, a few times the year before, and today I was simply curious to see if I did shut the blog down or not at some point in time (because I do remember wanting so badly to do it). Surprise-surprise! … I didn.t.
So I started scrolling down, and reading. Smiling. Raising eyebrows. Thinking did I write that? Remembering. Anger. How stupid. Lame. Oh, that’s rather nice. OMG. I need to shut this down. I definitely need to make some posts invisible to the public. Not that many people know of its existence. If 5 people know, then it.s too much. But I doubt.
And then it occurred to me. I am chameleoning – to such an extent, that even I can’t recognize myself. I really get scared when I see something from a while ago, and I feel nothing towards it but repulsion. Why? It’s still me after all. Lets reason. A younger myself. Just as frightened and brave, just as curious and terrified, just as determined to find the Truth, just as empty, just as silly, just as dreamy, just as determined as ever to save the world, to discover myself, discover the world. And if it’s true, that I really want to discover myself, why do I get so much repulsion when I look back at honest writings of my own. Hey that.s me. I might have forgotten it. But its me. So here you go Andrea, you are discovering yourself. And “frandrea” does a great job at helping you remember. The death of Manu, your car accident, graduating, moving to Austria, the first time you thought love could be real, finding an awesome bunch of friends, searching for God – or versions of God, starting programming, learning German, wanting to move to Finland, still wanting to save the world, getting your first job in IT, getting into masters after being rejected the first year – girl you were so brave to apply again!, making friends at work as well, experiencing loss once again, finding absolutely disturbing truths about people that would not let you sleep for months at a row, meeting your new class mates. Fascinating! Once again, there was something new to explore, and you loved it girl! You love beginnings. Then you sorta quit YAG, going to church, you were this close to get into how many relationships this year 3-4? Good job for not giving in, seriously… you already know that love exists, why settle for less? Buried in school and work, realizing that “chilling” is not for you anymore, you decided to watch stand-up comedy on a daily basis, because you love to laugh. And laughing heals. You listen to music just as much, not as dark, but as heavy loaded with emotions and words that get to you, so your contemplating listening to word-less music, because music is like air to you. So you are still working on that. And you are going to learn Hebrew this summer! Girl, all those books you bought in the last 10 years will finally be used. And the guy teaching you is an overachiever, so you know in a few months you.ll be able to break some sentences. How long have you dreamt of doing that? And it.s happening. To you Andrea. To you. The same Andrea who was cutting her hair in 2012 because she couldn.t handle the unknown. the missing. dafuq do I care moments? The same Andrea who was sitting on Danube feeling crushed she needs to find a place to stay, a job, and afraid her father would not recover from the heart attack in 2010. But he did, and you did, found a place to stay, found many jobs, felt better afterwards. Found God. Realized you hate religion, and you are still at a junction point where you don.t know how to combine the two or get rid of one, but you will do. Because you are trying, and you never gave up! When did you give up? You fought anxiety attacks through University without medication, you did! You overcame. And they never happened again. You got rid of insomnia. You haven’t had a session for over a year! You didn.t have to go though the hernia operation because the muscle sorta closed up. You overcame! All that. And you know it.s the spirit that gives life who walked you through all of this. The point being. You did, with help. You did. Your pretty damn resilient girl. And as many fears as you might feel right now, and repulsion towards the past. Don.t! Embrace it, as broken and full of grays and blacks and shades of light. Embrace it, because it.s you. And girl you are beautiful! And strong. Absolutely nuts. You wanna save the world so you better stop looking down on you, cause’ girl, there are some untold stories frandrea should know of. And others too. So don.t delete posts anymore. And whenever you get some small panic attack regarding your sense of unworthiness, read this. Cause tonight your brain did a great job at chameleoning, tricking you into writing this from an outside perspective, and damn is good. And damn girl you are such a chameleon.

A terrible loss feeling of those late nights in smoked up caffes, when you had just enough to drink to feel the world embracing you, when you smoked so much that your trout is soar, where a guy plays Metallica and Bob Dylan tunes and everyone sings along. Where your stranger friends smile at you across too many tables and their soul cries out : we’re one.

I was searching for a Notebook earlier tonight to do some sketches or just write whatever as I still do, when finally finding one, it welcomed me from the front page with a ‘2013 wish list`, written by me, probably even before the 2013 had started off. I dare say now, perhaps a bit too much zeal?

Here are the first 10 things on the list : courage, diligence, perseverance, commitment, desire to fight, learn how to be a disciple, humble myself,abide in God, save money ( quite an interesting choice of order, Andrea!), talk to my family.

The fact that after not longer than half a year from having written that, I find myself amazed at what I`m reading, says much about my pursuit of the things listed. Nevertheless, Someone must have listened to my hearts desire and began working those things in my life.

This post is for you my friends, who I`ve profoundly neglected throughout this year. I promise you all, I have on my Bookshelf a list with all the People I´m ought to write to, and so far I.ve numbered over 30 of you, who have been waiting and waiting and waiting for me to write. So, I´m truly sorry for not pushing myself harder to keeping in touch, tho I have to admit I´m very excited to have had found time to blog tonight and yes, less personal, but still find the way to reach you!

This year I´ve started applying for further education, and that alone in itself took not just a bunch of time and energy from me, but indeed, courage, diligence, perseverance, commitment, desire to fight, even when Feeling like puking. Places I´ve looked up into reach the US, Canada, Israel, UK, and all over Europe. I have to say that after all the fuss my first Option would still be Austria, firstly because Austria became my comfort Zone and then because there’s a Jewish School I´ve applied to. I´ll know more of it by the end of this month, but after all, God has His design for my journey, and I’ve promised Him Long ago I´ll go wherever, if we stick together.

One of the Highlights of this year is most def. iCafe. Every Saturday morning for 4 months I woke up with so much excitement because I knew People will feel Gods love that day, and seeing that with your own eyes, while having the privilege to be part of the process goes beyond my simple words. Explosion of joy, pureness of heart, questions, laughter, hope, new life, paint a wonderful story for me when I think of it. For sure, I´ll come with a post later and explain what is all this Hippie talk about.

My family here has been YAG for about 3 years now and I guess if it weren’t for God challenging me to `hang on just a little bit longer` the perseverance and commitment had not have kicked in or else I find no human reasoning for me still being part of it. It´s been hard, and its no ones fault. Thats life. Gets hard, and you push yourself until you can´t push no more, and then God pushes for you and on and on it goes until it gets easy again. I found myself extremely challenged within myself just because when I love someone it hurts so much I have to stay away, just Keep away, and with this bunch of People, I had to put up with my stupid pain and be there. Maybe God worked humility and taught me something about being a disciple that stank so bad.

Talking to my Family part has been still a challenge. Haven´t talked to my older brother in way to Long but when I was home 2 months ago I had a great time with my parents and I hardly ever tell them whats going on, but I broke down and it was good and healthy and just having them pray over me was priceless. I´ve been not talking to them recently because I´m not doing that good physically and will be needing to go home for Operation, but I´m organising our retreat in the mountains so how could I just go home? I have a lump. SO I Need to go and take that out and all that jazz. Don´t know much Details, just that its growing and I can feel that. Knowing my mom would stop sleeping until she hears the final results I decided not to tell yet so I.m nowhere to be found when she tries to talk to me. Not so much fun.

It´s past 2 am so I.ll bring this to a Close. Do pray for me and send me beautiful music. It always does me good.

How many times have you found yourself in the middle of doing something you had absolutely no idea about??

One of the most hilarious moments for me this year is certainly that when I was asked to do the sounds for an International Women Conference. I can so well remember that moment when I became practically speechless. I was so much in awe and amazed at that question I was literally not capable to say a word..Just smiled like an idiot.

I guess it happens when you are part of a small setting or a group to be doing things that normally you would not even consider. For lack of people I found myself beyond the soundboard this year for a couple of times in my church, but that was just for a placebo effect. You would never want a german/austrian faced with a crisis situation moments before the sermon started. So, I’d stay there..play with the volume. Mute people (muhaha) or you know, be a little God of the situation using just ONE BUTTON out of hundreds.

People bought it! They really thought I.m good at it actually. Placebo WORKS by the way. And one Sunday the Conferences organizer came up to me, asking me very serious if I am willing to help out. The people who should have done this backed off in the last minute..as it happenes.

You know those moments, when you want to scream out NO, but you can.t and there’s absolutely no other word for it. I felt I.m being taken away by a big wave, that I.m safe and just need to ride it. Next thing I know I.m talking with the guy who owns all the sound equipment and he begins talkin to me, engineering stuff. My poor poor self. I instantly went brain dead. Beeeeeeep.

And then, my closest friend left here,stepped in. He must.ve seen the situation from afar. It’s so good to have friends who know you. Took over the situation entirely, and in the conference week he rented a car, took all the equipment there, installed everything with his buddy, used colors to make it extra easy for dummies. I was good to go. Laughed at me all the time by the way, but who wouldn’t pay that price?

That’s such a pattern for my life. There was ALWAYS someone who stepped in. Might have been because the situation I found myself in was plain ridiculous, or maybe because God just needed me to see once again how amazing are the people I.m being surrounded with. I guess real friendships are effortless and unconditional. Because first of all, they are a gift and are very much real, regardless if one aknowledges them or not.

Definitely in my top 5 favorite things in 2012. There’s not a single time that I pass by Praterstern and not remember it. And I pass by it – daily. Almost every Sunday and Wednesday evening I’d end up at Mc Caffe Pratestern with my Jessica.

Jessica’s been definitely my God sent and we all know it. Literally she’s the only one I was able to talk about absolutely everything through out this transition. There is just so much more that happens to someone when God decides, its time for the next level.

We’d get a Chai-Latte, sit at one of the tables, and then, every conversation would start with “Soooooo” and then Jess laughing. Ah man! I so miss those time. I just wish somehow I had them on film.

WHat I loved about hanging out with Jess was that no matter what we were talking about she’d always ask “why and what do you think God wants to tell you…”. I loved how everything revolved around God. I miss that! I miss her simplicity and pure honesty when looking at life,people or situations. Simple people are so rare.

She was like a younger version of myself which was a bit freaky, and I was an older version of herself which is I dare say also freaky.

I can not even write this properly because I.m flooded with memories and emotion, but one thing is for certain. When God wants to bless you and to show he’s got your back, its simply overwhelming. Who would’ve thought that can even exist? And just remembering all this is so encouraging because it simply shows God’s character. He will always back you up!

You know I come from a culture which has always put the worst first. There even is a saying that goes like this : ” But what if the cat comes and pushes the salt rock”. Might not sound like much but the whole thing goes back to a story about the sterotypical hysterical woman who clearly overacts everything that could ever happen, so at a point she says: “what if the cat comes and pushes the salt rock down (which is on the shelf) on the baby’s crib and kills the baby.” It’s a very very old story. So old that people had to break the salt for themselves and usually they just had this stone of salt in their house. Of course nothing’s new under the sun, and the truth behind the story is as valid as it was durring the stone age.

Yea so thats part of the way I was raised up not necessarily by my parents but by my environment, along with lots of irony and cynicism. Until I got here I used to call myself a realist. well um…thats a load of crap. You are not a realist as long as you only see the empty half, right?

Thanksgiving.

I guess it’s the season of thanksgiving, and even if its such an american thing, I.m truely grateful to americans for it :). Actually tonight I might be skyping with my nr 1. friend who this entire past year has challenged me to be positive, focus on the bright side, and try to count my blessings.

It was soooooo freakin’ hard at first!..Boah. For the first couple of months, I gave her such a hard time, using my defensive anti-american game-plan. You actually need to train your brain to think differently. From a totally downsizing perspective to one of a ” no, that’s great, that’s actually AWESOME!!” point of view… well..lets not be miss lead here, I just wanna reach half the distance between these two extremes and stay put. What does “AWESOME!!!” mean by the way ? 😉

Hilary’s one of my closest and most special friends I have the privilege to share my life with. She is a proud american. She loves to keep Journals and list of things she’s grateful for. She loves to laugh and swing dance. She likes her friends to be cool and laid-back. She’s extremely ambitious and driven. She is a jolly person for sure.

We’ve been through so much together and looking back if there’s anything at all that I love about her, it is definitely her strength in those crucial and painful moments to take courage, go to the list of Thanksgiving and read it over and over again until it catches life.

At the same time, at some point this year, Seungwoo wanted to change the format of the Prayer Meetings. It became so much more intense (and hard!). For 3 consecutive times we would have to pray only bringing praises and thanksgiving to God.

I totally felt squished in between. IT was so loud to me. I needed to learn to be thankful and grateful in my life regardless of the surroundings.

I guess this exercise of 30 and some days of actually writing about things I.m grateful for this year, is a response to that. But it’s still hard. I consciously wake up every day thinking I need to find another blessing from this past year by the end of the day. And knowing that there are people all over reading this -..um makes me feel accountable.

But God is good, and we need to be reminded of that, and is good to train our minds to be reminded of that, cause it changes us. Thanksgiving is AWESOME!!! 🙂

This time last year if anyone would’ve told me, jump off a cliff, grow wings and fly – I might have considered it. I was spending lots and lots of time with my romanian prayer team who had experienced God in ways you read only in books or the Bible and as a team we were totally driven to go and do stuff. Kinda crazy. One of those Acts moments. Absolutely loved every bit of it.

Actually it was around that time when my whole perspective on life and living for God changed radically. I remember one of my dearest friends Tina was spending lots of time over our place and we’d pray lots together. She was married and had a 3 year old daughter at that time. Her husband (the definition of being sold out for God) was traveling lots and was away from home quite a significant amount of time in that stage of life.

I remember praying with Tina and asking her afterwards if she’s pregnant cause everytime I felt the Holy Spirit is guiding me to pray for her child. And it happened more than once. I remember her just walking through the door, and I’d ask her – “Are you pregnant?” One time she told me..you know, we really want to have another child, and been trying but it just didn’t happen, plus my husband has been away for so long, practically it is not possible. That was exactly a year ago!

Now, they have a 3 months old baby boy named Noah. A year! Thats how long it took!!!!

Noah has been my nr.1 reason to be encouraged, at least this part of the year when all seems to go to waste.

It’s amazing how God knows and feels with our heart and souls desires. He knows..and He is the one who works on it – perfectly! He speaks to our spirit and sometimes even lets us know. I am thinking of that Bible Story of Joseph when he had those meaningful dreams, which came to pass years and years and years after. They did come to pass!

Another year’s gone and from all the promises that God’s been sharing with me and others about His will, well, not much has come to pass. And honestly, I had soooo many expectations from this year, from myself first of all. Looking back – YES. there is stuff…but there’s also so much that isn.t even near to what I prayed its gonna be. And if its true, that growth comes in seasons, this surely must be winter – cause its dry and cold and empty. But if its true that growth comes in season spring’s surely gonna come, and right now – Noah’s my reminder. He is a promise of life.

I have started planning with my church the New Year’s Eve, and it hit me: this year’s done. So done..

A scary thought, more of a scary reality really. My roomate’s already listening to Christmas Carols, and I think for the first time ever I said : I hate Christmas. well, no I don’t, but I so do this year. At least the fuss around it.

Ever since I realized this year’s nearly gone, I tried to think what it ment to me, but really..it’s hard to look back. I decided to Jurnal this whole thing. First for myself. Second for Hil and Jess and all those…I’ll take it one day at a time, and think for good enough reasons to be thankful and grateful for, quite some corner stones. Just need to name ’em.

1. YAG.

When a country goes to war with another country, there’s just so much that happens. Pain,fear, despair, panic. Nothing matters more than life itself. You run for your life, because everything around you feels unsafe and terrifying . In those moments, people leave their entire life behind and go ( or better said, run). They don’t know whats going to happen to them in the future, but what they know at the moment is that, they need to run for dear life. Thats why refugee camps exist.

How many times have we experienced at least a major conflict in our lives that made us ( willingly or forced) to go anywhere. Doesn’t matter where, just out of “here”. The “here” standing for either education, job, ex’s, family or just mind-blowing situations.

I found my refuge here, among these people, who at one point or another, by a mean or another had also found refuge here. And then we found each other.

Most of my friends here relate to this.

They are the number one reason I stayed in Austria. My life froze last year and in order for it to get back to normal I need to leave this place. I just couldn’t yet. How could I if it was for the first time in my life I felt like belonging to a place or a category of people. I so did.

These guys are the most genuine people I.ve ever had the chance to meet. Simple but perfectly beautiful. Perfect blend of uniqueness at its finest. Hope I don’t give the wrong impression. Never said they’re perfect. Gosh no. nooooo way. Which makes them even more appealing to me.

Its not because they’re so international, n’or because they’ve got this or that education. But because of Jesus. for real.

freaks? Sure. :-). my bunch of people has a thing for God *( actually God has a thing for them..) they’re in pursue of God. Maybe most of them are in different stages and are doing it so differently. Kinda fascinating. God must be smiling.

They.ve been my mom and dad, brothers and sisters, best friends, through out the past 2 years. Best of the best. They loved me when I failed them, they loved me when I so needed it, they loved me and continue to do so, because their sense of focus is not me – but Jesus. Jesus is their true and unique source of living water. Of real life. Maybe thats why they are how they are right now.

YAG has been a challenge for me. To grow. To love. To wait. To learn. To grow some more and love some more. To change. To seek Jesus. To love God. To grow. more and more and more.

I just love them and to keep talking would mean to get into details, which I will do, next time I’ll think of a reason I.m greatfull for this year, cause at least 90% of the time is because of them.