Ever wonder?

Uploaded 09/11/2009

0. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

2. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

3. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

4. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

5. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

6. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

7, If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

8, Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

9. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

10. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.