Valentine's Day: One week away! And in honor of the not-so-momentous holiday, the Times of London is offering up a valentine of sorts called "The Best Chat-Up Lines In The World". Thing is, the pickup lines listed are some of the worst we've ever heard. (From Germany: "Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.") Actually, the story is really just about all the fumbling ways dudes try to approach women: A German writer says his countrymen suffer from Caligynephobia (also known as Venustraphobia) - the fear of chatting up hot chicks. As for Italian men, they're "pretty forthright," says an Alitalia flight attendant named Daniela. "They don't hesitate to compliment you in the street on your beauty, ciao bella and all that. They even whistle." Classy!

French men will just give you The Eye, and Frenchwomen respond. "Frenchmen still know that an admiring look flatters a woman and gives them pleasure," explains an editor named Christine. Australian guys tend to rely on booze; one guy explains, "If you're sitting there at a barbecue, and you've got a beer, a girl's drinking the exact same drink, well then you've got something in common just to start up with." Romantic!

As for American men, writer Chris Ayres claims there are three stages of seduction: "A conversation, a phone number, and then a date. Strategy, planning and execution." Cold and calculating, but sweet? No matter the country or method, why does this age-old topic (picking up women) refuse to die? Are men really so clueless? Is this why we have people like Mystery? Clearly men around the world are meeting women — we're not suffering from a population shortage. But how come they're all convinced they don't know what the hell to say? (Also, what's the worst line you've ever heard? Personally, I love when a guy just says, "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!" like I've literally stepped on his genitals.)