The doll is super stoked that this putty wants to join up with her. She catches the putty in her arms and they begin to go places together.

But then *doom sounds* the putty starts to reveal the other part of it’s nature. It’s softens and begins it’s process of melting down.

The doll is optimistic. She can support the putty for a short while, until it gathers itself again. But the putty opts not to exert any effort to improve this combined situation and eventually oozes everywhere all over the doll and all over everything and her whole world is immobilized by the gloop.

I recently received a distance tarot reading from Clementine. The reading was about the patterns I’m working within and about how to see what serves me and what does not. Many questions were brought up in the reading. Below are the questions that stirred me, and my stream-of-consciousness answers to them.

What hard work have I been doing lately?

-establishing healthy boundaries with my mom and people who also represent that dynamic

-being engaged at my job

-moving through my triggers with the kids and trying to create the healthiest dynamics I can – this reminds me that I’m always doing the best I can. That my level is what it is.

-trying to live my ethics through Moonshadow. Monetizing it doesn’t feel right, when I go beyond my comfort zone, I can feel it in my chest. Can it be self-sustaining? What would that look like?

What are my next moves?

-start making products to test out a subscription box

-stop dicking around with people I’m not sure of

-keep working at maintaining and establishing appropriate boundaries

-open myself up to love more

-go out to places to meet new people

-find ways to engage in decolonization in-person with others

What are all the ways I’ve changed my life for the better?

-deciding to be more honest (with and to myself, as well as with others – radical vulnerability)

-getting back into a routine of cleanliness and orderliness

-moving out of toxic relationships

-moving toward self-love

-better understanding love

To what am I giving my energy?

-sometimes to the thought that no one will ever truly love me

-sometimes into appeasing children instead of being something strong from which they can spring forth

-avoiding really starting in with Moonshadow, telling myself things will unfold and come naturally and worrying that I’m not putting enough work into the hard parts

What are my addictions/compulsions/acts that don’t serve me?

-weed sometimes my use is healthy and other times it is not, establishing a TOD curfew on it has been helpful

-checking out through social media and tv, again a curfew helps

-checking in with others for validation instead of with myself, this seems nearly constant, even when I know I’m doing things the way I want, I always feel like I need to check in with others before acting or immediately after

{edited to add: I was listening to the latest Chai Chats Podcast this morning and they said that a sign of abuse is to rely on someone else’s judgement before your own and that puts this into context for me. I’m not currently in an abusive situation but I’m still living that pattern. This understanding helps me to establish a direction forward.

-avoiding the hard work but I’m not yet clear on how to differentiate between worthwhile hard work and fruitless effort.

What needs are being denied such that my compulsions fulfill them?

-weed can range from a sense of connection, wonder and intimacy with myself, with others and with nature to a numbing agent to just subdue subdue subdue myself. Usually this second option is when I haven’t been receiving love from self or otherwise. I’m avoiding the pain of feeling unloved.

-checking out allows me to not fail at something because I never got around to it, it helps me avoid being criticized for not executing something perfectly

-I want validation. I feel bad when I check in with others for it because I want it to come organically. When it does come that way it feels so nourishing. I’m not sure if I need more than I get organically or if I’m still operating under a scarcity model even though I’m no longer living in scarcity.

I don’t want to waste my time.

Cultivate compassion for these needs. Shower them with love and find ways to care for them that are healthy and sustaining.

“Recognize that change comes from finding and meeting repressed needs.”

I’m moving beyond the exciting feeling of overwhelming love.
I’m moving into exploring the depths of the emotion.

What is it to love deeply?
What is it to love someone who may not return that love?
Does love breed more love?
How has my focus shifting from “looking for love” to “exploring love” changed the way I perceive the love that exists around me?

Does love for people, places, things, and non-human beings have different characteristics from one another?

What is tangible about love?

On this day:

In 2009 – juice is not a meal replacement (but I still enjoy it)
In 2008 – meeting the amazing Julie Keon for the first time
In 2006 – if I had to re-do this today, calling the police would not have happened
In 2005 – back when kindness was a thing we shared