Towards the end of a session with a client there was a long pause. We had just gone through a series of events and come to the realization that his feelings and his current state were a direct result of some of the actions he had taken as of late. This wasn’t a happy epiphany. His eyes looked to the floor, his head followed and dropped down, chin to chest. He took a deep breath and looked up. Eyes full of sincerity and sadness he said, “When did life become so complicated?”

When DID life become so complicated?

Remember when we were kids, how happy we were? How resilient we were?

Somewhere along the road to adulthood, we compromised joy for “content.” We became complacent. Complacent towards the current state of affairs; “it is what it is, and I’m just going to make my peace with it.”

We stopped believing we could take over the world. We stopped believing that we could grow up to be superheroes. If we didn’t lose our ambition, we definitely compromised it. We stopped dreaming of becoming the next big thing and worked instead on the “next thing” on our daily list of ‘to-do’s…

Somewhere along the road to adulthood, we conditioned responses, we built walls, we became jaded. We disguised it as being realistic, but we had given up. We just stopped believing. We claim we were given reason to stop believing, but we created reasons, we created our own truths, justifications to stop believing. We dismissed children as being naive, not knowing any better all the while we became more bitter. Who is better off? Who is happier? When and why did it become more important to be right than to be happy?

He knows... Do you?!

Albert Einstein said;

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

It is not naivety to perceive the world around as a miracle OR to think that everything will be okay. Einstein was a genius, crazy, but genius. He knew the fundamental sciences behind the way the world worked and HE STILL BELIEVED. We do not nearly have the depth of knowledge that Einstein had, yet we think we can conjure up our own theories (biased on a particular selection of past experiences) and assume it’s in our best interests to stop believing? We draw our conclusions AND THEN look for the premises from our past that justify it? All the while ignoring the data that doesn’t fit. That’s not reasoning or philosophy and that’s some sketchy scientific method!

So, when did life become so complicated? … When we starting complicating it.

When we started analyzing instead of living. The world was here before us, the world will be here after us. Why spend our time figuring it out? Trust. Everything is not going to be rainbows and lollipops, but it IS going to be okay, because YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT OKAY. You are the authority figure IN and the authority figure OF your life.

Once upon a time we thought we could do it all, have it all, then some jerk came and told us we couldn’t do it. We lived the good life and something bad happened and we’ve never been the same since.

Remember when we were kids? When we would fall, we’d get back up — we wouldn’t even cry unless IT REALLY HURT physically. So why in adulthood are we emotionally crippled? Get up my friends… dust yourself off and be the next big thing. One thing at a time.

This isn’t a post about Ms.A. This isn’t a post about mental health. This isn’t a post about philosophical counselling. This is a post about expectations. Priorites. Compromises. Sacrifices… and Relationships.

I want to blame hormones and society and culture and those very expectations, but really, this one’s on me. When I put it out there for people to suggest topics, 2/3 of the suggestions were to write about something “you must know a lot about, … being an independent, strong, single career woman.” I think that was the first time hearing a sentence with the words ‘independent and strong’ stung as much as it did, but it does need to be addressed.

Being a woman, there is this notion of being one or the other; you're either career-focused or family-focused.

Since I can remember, my ambitions have been somehwere in the skies, accompanying some of the expectations I was held to and held myself to. My priorities have been different and it’s starting to feel like those priorities have either compromised the life I could have had or will go in vain. I am grateful, as I heard a coworker say, I almost have more blessings than I can count on my hands and feet, but society and people keep telling me something is missing.

Apparently after graduating, the next right step is to get married. So why have I, why have we, as women, worked so hard to get to get that equality, that degree, that credibility? To become someone’s overeducated and overqualified housewife? No flippin’ way. I want to pursue higher education. I want to do amazing, great things. I want to change lives, I want to change the world and to be honest, I can’t see myself being able to do any of that when I have to consider the feelings of a significant other, or a nursing baby, or elderly in-laws.

In conversation with someone, I was told that their boss, another ‘career woman’ had gotten pregnant and married over the holiday season. There was a distinct tone of disappointment. As though this woman had done something wrong. How could she have ‘settled down.’ She had “caved.” Apparently, strong and independent seem to be synonomous with unmarried and without children. Ironically, this woman is regarded in a similar fashion (as strong and independent) by many others yet she has two kids. So not only do we have society holding us to these expectations, we are holding each other to these expectations. What does that leave us ‘younger’ generations to believe about aspiring to be that successful woman? Choose one or the other? Eff that.

It's a little overwhelming.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to run out into the street and set my Victoria Secret bra on fire, or boycott the opposite sex (who are we kidding), but seriously, these expectations are enough to drive a sane woman crazy, and half of us are already off our rocker by the time we finish school and get our careers going. Growing up our priority is to get an education, then it’s to get married and start a family and if we don’t do that we risk not getting married at all because we have become ‘too smart,’ ‘too independent,’ ‘too strong’ … “no one is going to want to take care of you if you’re THAT indpendent” Such distortion. Be independent, but not TOO independent. You still want the man to think he’s the man. Oh please… My man wouldn’t need my reassurance to know he’s the Man.

So what have I done? Have I lost my opportunity? Am I at the threshold where I could give in and pursue a personal life instead of a professional one? Have I already done that? I don’t think so. At least most nights I don’t. I’ve postponed that life, for sure, but I don’t think it’s all or nothing.

My mom was married at 18 and had me when she was 21. I think as times change, our priorities change, the world around us changes, circumstances change, our timelines have to change too. A friend sent me a message today, said it reminded her of me, it said;

“I could settle down, but I can’t settle” ..

Damn rights. Follow your dreams, follow your heart, continue on YOUR journey and one day, it’ll intersect with someone who also chose to make those efforts, compromises and sacrifices that you made. You can have it all, you will have it all. It may not be on society’s timeline, but it will be ON YOUR TERMS.

I haven’t written about Ms. A in a while and for due reason. Counsellors have lives outside of their practice, sometimes we need to seek our own counsel.

4 months after counselling Ms. A, we were still talking about how to approach her three priorities. Like her home, there was a lot of organization of how to organize but no organization followed. For example, Ms. A took inventories of her pantry, but when coming across expired items or items that needed to be discarded, she did not discard them, rather wrote them in her inventory as “to be discarded.” Likewise, she made lists of what she wanted to do.. She mentioned that her self-proclaimed “lack of progress” had also been a result of her inability to move, due to physical ailments and chronic pains. I wasn’t about to cosign on that. I suggested using some our session time to move boxes and organize her home to get more out of our time together and make use of my able body. It was a tough decision, it crossed a few comfort zones and potential boundaries, but she seemed excited about the idea and with our next session the ‘decluttering’ began..

Boy, was I in for (yet another) suprise. What I had in mind when I suggested talking and moving. There was talking, but most of it was “Can you move that here? .. No, put that over there. What’s in that box? …” and so on. Halfway into the session I felt more like a cleaner/mover/shaker than a counsellor and I began to think that maybe my plan had backfired, so after a few more boxes, I suggested we sit and talk.

Redemption.

As I anticipated, it made more productive use of our time together, but it also created a more comfortable atmosphere to talk about some uncomfortable things. Intimacy issues, trust issues, some of our deepest conversations came after we had spent the first half of our session going through boxes, trying to consolidate. The process of consolidating for her was also interesting to see; what she kept, what she put back, what she didn’t want to ‘deal with’ at all. It revealed a lot about her without her having to say a word.

Just like how our priorities say a lot about us, as does the company we keep… and yes, our reactions. None of which require words necessarily, all of which provide insight into our character.

It was a tricky situation, but we got through it, remembering this is as much of a journey for her as it is for me. Every client is different. Every counsellor is different. Every journey is different. As the saying goes, “if you’re not uncomfortable, you’re not growing.” Little did I know how much ‘growing’ was waiting for me in the weeks to come.

Little did I know that the ‘growing pains’ that ensued would entail a very frustrating session followed by a very angry phonecall and the discontinuation of my services.

Before getting carried away with what someone says, consider the source.

What is their level of knowledge on the topic?

If someone is giving their opinion of you, how well do they know you? Does their opinion matter? Why? YOU are the authority figure on yourself, last time I checked, we live and sleep with our own consciences — not someone elses and vice versa.

What is their credibility?

This goes hand in hand with their level of knowledge on a subject, you wouldn’t necessariliy ask a stranger on a street for a medical diagnosis? If you’re seeking answers, ask someone who has ILLUSTRATED that they have an answer, or an experience that can lead you to an answer (the latter is better– someone who can guide you to your own self-englightenment is a much better and safer person to seek guidance from).

What does it matter?

Who cares what other people think, do your thing and do it to the best of your ability. Friends and family will call you out on things that they see, but what you do with that information is your perogative. It’s your life, as a dear friend tells me, “do what thou wilt”

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but not everyone’s opinion matters.