going through the motions, and then deciding not to go through the motions...

a dozen eggs. july 6th.

so there should be a roommate update post.

i showed the house to another person yesterday, a friend of a friend of a friend. and he was cool enough. he wouldn't be a bad choice. and realtor texted me that she knows someone else. and i just remembered that there is another email i got, that i need to respond to, from one of my customers at suck store. a friend of her daughter's, who is artsy and creative, that she thinks would get along well in the house.

and i grew a pair yesterday, and texted shaun about when he's coming to get his stuff, because he never bothered to respond to my text on sunday. i had prompted him to come by before garbage day, to get all of his trash out, along with everything else.

after the texting war where he mis-spouted pennsylvania renter's rights and eviction law at me, and the ten text response i sent back that shut him the fuck up, he had sent nothing. so last night, at around 6, i asked what time he would be by for garbage night. and because he's retarded, he said he didn't know how to take that.

so i asked when he's getting his stuff out, and asked if he expected me to take all of his trash out.

he was pissed, i know, but so was i. and said he'd be by after work. he showed up around 10 and was still there at 11.

but all of his trash went out. and i didn't have to touch it. if he hadn't been such a douche, and had put it in the kitchen, he could have saved himself a lot of trouble. but he didn't. so suck it, shaun. and clean up after yourself.

i am wiped out today. i really didn't want to get up this morning. i was awake last night anyway, but having to be awake to lock the door behind shaun and in case he needed to say something to me meant that i went to sleep a couple hours later than i had intended to.

the texting war with shaun the other day was epic. there was so much i wanted to say to him, because he really struck a nerve with me, but in an effort to keep the drama out of it, and hopefully get at least a little money from him, i didn't say anything i wanted to.

he was basically saying that our oral month to month lease was breached when i didn't give him fifteen days' notice before evicting him, that in pennsylvania, sheriff's sales happen all the time, and that he is allowed to deduct the money i'd make from selling the contents of his room. and that i had better not play hardball with him, because i'm not going to get what i want.

that i called him a liar and insulted him. that he's gone through enough and doesn't need my egotism. what the shit? and that if i go through something like this, he hopes i'm treated with more compassion and humanity.

MENACE. is he on crack?

i was so pissed at the whole thing, i had to slow myself down with aubree and work on a response together with her.

and explain the law he was misquoting, saying eviction starts on the 5th day of non-payment, and that i didn't want to drag him through that legal process. that the reason i waited so long was because he kept telling me he was getting money, and that i didn't want to kick him out. that i didn't 'evict' him (i was super careful to never use that word), and that i didn't call him a liar. but did say i can't believe him, and quoted back all the lies he told me about where and when i'd get money. and said if any of it was true, i'd have my money and he'd still be living there. saying that i'm treating him inhumanely is off point (which is a very nice way to put it - not at ALL what i wanted to say to him). and that if i ever go through what he's going through, that i hope a total stranger lets me stay in their house without paying a penny for a whole month.

what a fucking ASSHOLE.

that shut him up. and when i let him in last night, i said hi and said, 'so you're going to have everything out by thursday.'

i didn't really say it like a question. more like i was telling him. and he said yes, and that he'll call a charity to come pick up the furniture.

finally.

fucking a.

thursday night? party for him being out of my life.

i can't believe that i will never get that money. it's so unfair to be shorted $770. and to think about what i would do with that money makes me feel sick. maybe he'll surprise me. who knows? i am overusing the phrase (and have been for what seems like forever), but... i'm not holding my breath.

and yesterday, sometime around noon, i realized that i had just seen quinn for the last time. which is AMAZING. because i'm at suck store the rest of this week, and on vacation next week, i will not see her at work again.

how can i be so lucky?

once i realized that yesterday, my entire outlook changed. i was happy. i felt free. and yeah, she can still attempt to wreck some shit, but if she doesn't? the best thing to happen to this point in my summer: never having to see that horse again.

yesterday, i was done with work at 1. i had to drive all the way home from north phila in dead stopped traffic. once i got home, i did a little more work. and at around 3, i went up on my roof. and i stretched out in the kiddie pool. and flipped myself over dutifully, even coating my skin in a new layer of brown. it was amazing. i was mostly relaxed, except for all the thinking about that guy. i was happy to be up there. and i was there for over an hour before i grabbed a beer. had one, came in maybe two hours after i started. it was fantastic. i couldn't believe it was a weekday.

and then i went inside, and prepped dinner.

mom and dad surprised me with a grill on the 4th of july. aubree and i were going shopping for a few things, and they'd instructed her to use their credit card to pay for a grill. i didn't figure it out until we were almost to the store. she was talking to dad, and she gave me this look, and i realized what they were doing.

i'm not going to lie. i'm so excited about it. i almost had myself convinced that it would be worth it to just buy the thing. it's a big weber, and it has been on sale for a week now, for $90. i didn't want to spend my nina-vacation money on it. but really have been wanting a grill for a solid month now, and wanting to grill everything i eat for about a week.

so we got the thing, brought it home, and set it up on the 4th. but we had leftovers for lunch that day, and it ended up being late, and we were still full, so we didn't even use it on the 4th, which was the plan.

instead, we used it last night. i got all the trash out for garbage day. i picked up the house a little, nothing crazy. and then wrapped ears of corn in foil, and sliced up onions for a foil pouch of buttery goodness. and seasoned up the burgers and put a couple hot dogs on the plate for good measure.

it was quite the feast. and when we'd eaten all of that, i'd also set up s'mores. so once we'd crammed down the dinner, we had dessert. it was amazing.

i don't really know what else to write about. i had a lot of time in paper journal yesterday, thinking about what to say and do when i find myself sitting across from a certain someone. talking myself down, yet again.

it got to me last night. the last time i saw him, i think the reason it is imprinted as so rough in my brain is because he was physically distant. all i can do is dissect everything. and reassemble it in my head, and stare at it, trying to figure out what is missing, what's in the wrong place, why there are extra parts that don't fit, and missing pieces that the keep the whole thing from working.

all the metaphors - there are so many - are practically explaining themselves. the fishing one is the best so far, and i didn't even think of it.

one that keeps coming up, when i talk to nina about the situation, is the one about eggs and baskets.

and i've given it a lot of thought, and i think i know what happened.

i am so fluent in putting eggs in the wrong basket. particularly, ALL of the eggs in the wrong basket. i have done it my entire life, because i've always loved and learned wholeheartedly (and consequently - brokenheartedly).

and because i'm so aware of it, i'm actually very careful with my dozen eggs now. much more careful than i was before. i've spent the better part of the last year protecting these eggs, and not giving a single one away.

but when i met him, i was only a little skeptical. and felt it out, and i think i can say that i put a quarter of my eggs in that basket, within a week of talking to him. caution to the wind style.

and fuck me... when i met him? i think i handed over like half a dozen more. maybe more.

maybe all but one.

maybe eleven. fitting.

it wasn't all my fault. it's like he was telling me how safe the basket was, how it was lined to prevent breakage. how he really liked having the eggs in the basket.

but now, it's like i just watched him trip and fall. dropping the basket and nearly all of my eggs. breaking almost every last one of them.

and looking down in my hand? i've got like ONE left. and the basket now is all covered in yolk, not exactly speaking to the safety of the basket.

and it's going to start to stink soon.

i think that, after the coffee thing, i felt like my dozen was permanently half. i didn't feel like i had so many eggs to give away.

and finding someone again, who is so much better suited for me than he ever was? it was like being handed a replacement dozen to do with as i see fit.

and now, not even two months later? i realize that i have pretty much wasted the gift of replacement eggs that i was given.

and i didn't even realize it, until all were broken except for this last one.

i've got one good egg. and at least now i can see the basket for what it is. i'm holding onto this one. it's all i've got left. and i cannot give it away.

that was horribly cheesy.

sorry about that. i just keep thinking about how the shit all my eggs got into that basket so quickly, and how fragile a thing it is. and i can't help but wonder if i tripped him, or if he just stumbled on his own.

i can't tell yet if i'm kidding myself, or if i actually mean it. but i keep thinking that i'm not settling for him. that i'm not compromising, like kit is afraid i am. i keep thinking that i'm just trying to be patient and ease into this. i keep thinking that i'm just creating a little space with him, so maybe it doesn't hurt as bad.

i wrote before about the height i feel like i'm falling from.

but i think that this is the more important aspect: the difference between gaining faith in something i'd previously lost faith in, and now losing faith in it again, after believing momentarily? that might be the hardest part still.

what does it say about me that my faith is so easily shaken?

what does it say that i am so easily persuaded to have faith in something blindly? or glimpsing-ly is maybe the better word. after no time, either! i mean, i guess that's why, when it does ultimately work, it's okay that it's an instantaneous feeling.

and i want to believe that i have been skeptical enough to not just throw myself at the first thing that looks like something, to see if i stick to it. i want to use that little pile of boys i dated and fucked as some kind of a litmus test. like, 'see? i don't just fall for anyone. this is DIFFERENT.'

but is it? it doesn't feel like it, that's for sure.

shrink will have a field day with me, when nina leaves and i go back for my next visit.

i've become quite awesome at beating myself up. and have perfected the art of second guessing every thought i have.

i remember a time when i used to wish to be hypnotized to be in love with my husband.

you know what i wish for now? to just stop thinking. not in general. it would be a very specific hypnosis. completely boy-centered. just eliminate everything that makes me a headcase when it comes to relationships. either feel and enjoy, or don't. actually, no. just physically enjoy. nothing about feelings, please. all that thinking? overthinking? questioning? doubting?

fuck. that. noise.

i'm over it. i'm sick of reading what i write. i'm sick of writing it.

it's tired. if i was able to think clearly right now? i'd probably stop writing altogether for a while. wait to see what happens next, see what there is to say in a few weeks. because in the meantime, it feels like recycling.

i'm over it. same story in paper journal, too. same old shit. just a different date at the top of the page. and i think the number of written and unsent emails and letters is now approaching seven. which doesn't even include the one i'm tempted to write, right now...