1. I would like you to meet a cool director, YOUNG RIDLEY SCOTT. He did some great movies, including this one called “Alien”.

In the start of the movie, the characters wake up and actually HANG OUT with each other. We get to know them a bit. They become our friends a bit. We care about them a bit. So when this happens…

We actually CARE.

2. When I saw the original Alien, I saw that weird alien room with the weird alien in it and the weird gunlike thing, and by the end, imagined it was a really weird alien thing that this had happened to, and if I ever saw its story, it would be weird, and alien, but the acid-blood aliens had gotten to it just like humans. That’s what made it reaaally scary. I didn’t even KNOW these weird things existed, but the acid-blood aliens took THEM out too. These are SCARY ACID-BLOOD ALIENS.

But no, now they are just Olmec-us in spacesuits-that-look-way-more-like-the-Acid-Blood-aliens-than-Olmec-us. And operate a gun-like thing to pilot a ship out, one of many. So the weird thing they found is less special, and that was pretty much revealed at the start of the movie.

And what the Olmec-us are is revealed at the start of the movie. So even THAT isn’t a mystery.

So I have characters I haven’t gotten to know trotting around in an alien world that in the end, really isn’t that alien. In the most alien-oriented mythos ever.

Don’t get me wrong — amazingly great visuals, and the rush to manual C-section was cool and tense. Michael Fassbender created a unique character.

But I came to have more of the truly ALIEN universe revealed, and it just got two hours more mundane through acquaintances I don’t know well. And how heavy-handed can you make a message? How about one of the characters, instead of SHOWING you, just saying it out loud, just in case you didn’t get it.

RIDLEY: If you put characters in danger, I need to care about them first. This is ACTION MOVIE 101. Please go find Young Ridley Scott and have him remind you how to make action-horror movies before you spend $130 million dollars.

And scientists don’t take off their helmets on an alien planet just because there’s good air out there. CUZ BACTERIA.