The next person who suggests that I get married this
year so I can get thrown off that cliff is going to get their stomach
fenestrated.

…I mean…Welcome to another glorious update
to Szkandelous.com! By now you are no doubt aware of my endless affection
for UA. But, what you may not be aware of is that I am a horribly mean
person!

What I’m trying to say is, what’s going
on with UA’s face? I mean, have you seen her latest album? Here
let me guide you through UA’s seemingly intentional metamorphosis
from cute diva to feminist art icon!

Ok, in 198…er, 1995 we get the single “Colony”
off of her first major album. Her look is what, 1980’s Cure or maybe
Scream-era Michael/Janet Jackson? Cute, no? “and boooooys dooooon’t
cryyyyy”

In 1996 we get her second full-length album, “11”.
Here she’s reminds me of the girl from “Another Heaven”
(…ok, I thought she was cute). Jeez, that movie sucked. Anyway,
this album represents a shift to a definitely 1996 style aesthetic. “Yay!
The dot-com boom is about to happen and girls are cute! I bet I could
find a job straight out of college!”

1998’s “Ametora” marks UA’s
first step to scariness. Weird colored skin, a twisted grimace, baby-doll
dress: this cover is like a nightmare from Courtney Love. Boys start crying.
I almost didn't get this album out of fear. Which is a mistake by the
way, “Ametora” is nearly as good as “Turbo”.

The cover for 1999’s “Turbo” is a
painting so this time around I’ll use the cover for the (also magnificently
good) song “Skirt no suna”. Here we get UA sans-makeup on
a beach. The windblown look fits her as she peers into your soul. Maybe
she’s going to dump you right there…you don't know! We love
you UA!

Ok, here she’s not so cute, but maybe she’s
trying to entrance you into liking her with her happy naked bird dance…so
she can kill eat you for dinner!

…and then she can mop up all the blood when she’s
done…

Last year she released a greatest hits collection by
the name of “Illuminate”. Woh there…

…Frida Kahlo. If whatever it is you’re eating
there tastes that bad, STOP EATING IT!

Right now I’m listening to this band called Tipographica
that Illin’ Kim(ura) Jong Il lent me. It sounds like the musical
equivalent of “Warioware”:
a tour of simplified musical genres taken at the speed of one every five
seconds. Do I like it? I like a lot of the parts just as much as I enjoyed
playing the original “Zelda”, but like “Warioware”
you wish some parts were longer and ultimately you’re left picking
your nose.

I am stricken in love with the UA song “Laundry
yori ai o komete” from the “Turbo” album; it’s
like the audible version of waking up on a summer day because your bed
is too hot. Every morning I end up turning off whatever music I happen
to have put on and replacing it with UA, and then putting the song on
repeat until I have to hear “Private Surfer”. I’m just
going to warn you now; I’ll probably end up quoting the song all
over this update.

The whole album’s absurdly good. Even the dubbed-out
cover of the Japanese folk song “Ringo Oiwake”. UA’s
voice is like the manifestation of contained disappointment attempting
to guide you through the paired down instrumentation and gigantic bass
lines of the ups and downs of everyday life. Yeah, the bass is P-H phat;
you might not fit into that bikini after listening to it.

“Tokei no ugoki ga modokashikute”

Jeez how time flies when I’m not at work . I meant
to finally put up a gallery of Matsunoyama photos today but was sidetracked
by the deceptive simplicity of Propellerheads’ Reason (a music program).
Let’s pretend this is a picture of my drive to work:

“Ugokenai aa Shinjitutsu la la la nanika kogeteru
mitai”

So, you are no doubt wondering why there are pictures
of people flying and arctic blackfaced me below. I was not kidding when
I mentioned that we have a groom throwing festival. Every year on little
New Years (the 15th of January) they collect all of that year’s
new grooms, carry them up to a shrine at the top of a hill and throw them
off into the snow. Then everyone collects around a bonfire a little lower
down the hill and when that is done burning they take the ash and smear
it on everyone else’s face. This year there were two separate TV
crews and both of them got as covered in ash as I was.

Some of you might not realize this but I run this site
in both English and Japanese. Yeah, I’m looking at you America.
Ahem, here are my most current web site stats:

Notice how US Commercial ranks only slightly above Belgium,
and how non-Commercial America doesn’t make the list at all.

Also, I think a lot of people are wondering why I didn’t
take any pictures of the concert or talk show thing. Well, for one, whenever
I go to a show that means I have to actually travel to Tokyo, which means
my bag is full of stuff. Also, my camera is gigantic, look:

And from another angle:

Wait, is that…

...Japanese TV’s own Papaya Suzuki?

Anyway, thanks to an update to Thai Pop Standard’s
links page, I can now provide you with more information on some of the
Thai artists I listed before.

Ok, this is Futon:

You can go to their fabulously named homepage “RehabisFab”
by clicking on the link or picture. There are audio clips and lyrics too,
if that’s your inclination.

For kicks, I looked up My Life With The Thrill Kill
Kult…‘ere I am J.H:

I have a link
too, if you want that. Apparently no one has cared about My Life With
The Thrill Kill Kult since 2001 so we can all step back through time and
check out the web…as it was in the past! Sadly, the audio/video
links aren’t working; though you can compare TKK’s lyrics
with Futon’s…and LAUGH at their similarity!

And this is an illustration done by Wisut Ponnimut.

Cool, no? I would direct you to a Wisut’s site
but sadly it is still in development.

For those of you that don’t know, Christmas in
Japan is more like a recap of Valentine’s Day than it is a holy
day (the holiday where you hang out with your family and go to a place
of worship landing squarely on New Years). I, in perhaps the lightest
sense of the word, chose not to participate in this year’s festival
of love-love-ing and making poor, single people feel bad for themselves
by spending the evening with my friend Brian’s host family.

Their youngest son was infatuated with Ultraman and
repeatedly showed us a video introduction to the many monsters of the
series, pausing at each new monster to re-focus the attention of everyone
in the house onto the TV screen so that he could shout the monster’s
name. Sometimes, when walking, he would stop suddenly and shout “Sphinx!”

We stayed up late talking with the family and had a
good time. Not quite as cool as having a girlfriend, but definitely cooler
than say finding out that someone you like is dating the yakuza or being
stalked yourself by a 15 year old girl.

Other holiday fun; on the 22nd I went to an exhibition
of modern Thailand’s explosive new underground culture. The major
focus of the event was on Wisut Ponnimut, a Thai comic artist gaining
popularity in Japan. You can see some of his work here.

There was also a group discussion regarding Thai’s
flourishing music scene. I was enraptured with a band named Cliquetpar
who will soon be distributed on Nobukazu Takemura’s Childisc label.
I’m tempted to call them Aphex Twin-influenced, but I don’t
think that quite hits it. They sound distinct from Nobukazu Takemura and
Aphex Twin, but definitely at home on Childisc. They’re genre is
“lock yourself indoors on a sunny day” music. How cool is
that?

I was also introduced to a Thai band composed almost
entirely of people from England called Futon. They are loud, brash and
sexy electro-punk. Some might say they sound like Marilyn Manson but I
would say My Life With The Thrill Kill Cult is more accurate. I am not
confident yet, but I think I might like them.

However, the highlight to my two weeks of winter vacation
would have to be the New Years concert at Kichijoji’s Star Pines
Café. I went with Brian, who came all the way from America for
winter vacation, and Kei who came all the way from her house in Tokyo.

I’m not going to write a full review but I will
give a brief description of each band I remember seeing and their rating
compared to the obscure Thai band Futon. Since my only experience with
Futon is a cover of Iggy and the Stooges’ “I wanna be your
dog” and a chemically addictive amalgamation of “My Sharona”,
David Bowie’s “Heroes” and the desire to be gay, I’ll
fill in the holes in my knowledge with comparisons to an actual futon.

Kahime Rakudan (aka: SingerQueenBand):

Lively, jazzy music in the Showa-style. The singer sounded
like Yuki from Judy and Mary and the band had the sound of Ego Wrappin’.
So good I bought their CD…just can’t get enough Ego Wrappin’.

Futon rating: Nothing at all like Futon but the lead
singer’s kimono had a similar pattern to the one on my futon.

UriTA:

As far as I could tell, a man with a giant afro and
an acoustic guitar and his poor friend that he made learn to drum for
the show. They were about two months of practice away from being an ok
Jpop band and about two weeks away from being worthy to play on a corner
in Shibuya. They did a cover of the theme to the Japanese series “Sakura”.
Should have called their cover “Suckura”.

Futon rating: Well, they did do a cover so I guess they
are sort of like Futon. Bonus futon points for having an Asian guy with
funny hair.

Couch:

Laid back funky rock music with an excellent guitarist.
My first impression was that they may be a little too light but after
a half hour set and a gin and tonic I was in the mood…to buy their
CD.

Futon rating: Softer than Futon…but which is easier
to sleep on?

Zoobombs:

ZOOBOMBS! When I bought their CD back in America it
had a sticker on it that claimed they were “Japan’s #1 Funky
Hardcore”. You can’t step to claims like that and their performance
certainly backed up their claims. If you’ve never heard a Zoobombs
CD, “you need to get mo’ funky”.

Futon rating: Loud and genki like Futon but a little
more lighthearted and a lot less weird.

Astro-B:

From my seat the only thing I could see of the band
was their GIGANTIC and agile bass player. So I stood up…and saw
that their lead singer was Japan’s Kelly Osbourne…and backing
her up was their drummer the Japanese Jesus Christ (who struck a cross
pose during one of the songs) and a dancing ninja. A dancing ninja that
shot fire! I kept thinking to myself that I had heard them somewhere before
when it hit me, they sounded almost exactly like Futon…or at least
how I remembered Futon.

Futon rating: Astro-B is Futon with Kelly Osbourne.

Farida’s Café:

On the lighter side of rock. Kei says they sound like
they are going to sell a lot and I can’t really counter that. I
had actually seen them before at Heaven’s Door and was impressed
with them then. This time around they were still good but after the bombastic
Zoobombs and wacky Astro-B it was a little jarring to return to regular
rock. Still very good though.

Futon rating: Both bands have members from England and
members who are Japanese but speak perfect English so I guess they are
similar like that. Oh yeah, both band names begin with the letter “f”!

Small Circle of Friends:

Relaxed and dancey hip-hop. I think four out of the
five Japanese people I’ve met have not liked the male lead’s
voice but I have not met a single person who has seen them live and not
enjoyed it. It got me out on the floor at 3 in the morning! I think they
were the highlight of the show (though the Zoobombs set was definitely
a close second). “Round&round, clap your hands, come on, boy
meets girl”.