The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Monthly Archives: November 2015

Last year, I did an Elf on the Shelf post showing how naughty Santa’s little spies could be once they’re in the world of children’s homes. And you can bet, these hypocritical elves will be in doing naughty stuff in your home this year while they’re reporting your kids misbehavior to the big guy in the red suit. Yes, they want to make sure your kid certainly qualifies for the “nice list” before they leave your homes on Christmas Eve. But that doesn’t mean they have to be nice since I’ve found plenty of naughty Elf on the Shelf pictures on the Internet and made a whole post with them. Of course, since all my fans have loved last year’s naughty Elf on the Shelf post, I decided to follow up with another one this year. Yes, I know that it can only “move” around when the residents are asleep or when no one is around. But since we have so many naughty elves in so many houses not adhering to behavioral standards, I highly suggest that parents keep an eye on their resident Elf on the Shelf with aid of camera or the Internet. And report whenever the elf is breaching professional conduct. Yes, you’d like to think they’re doing their job but you never know for sure. And by naughty, I don’t mean childish mischief that makes children laugh. No, I mean stuff that would ruin a children show entertainer’s career or something your child won’t be able to watch in a movie below PG-13. So when you see your resident Elf on the Shelf behaving very inappropriately, remember to take a picture, show it on the Internet, and call this hotline to report it to Santa via 1-800-555-BAD-ELF1. Now without further adieu, I bring you more naughty moments from Elves on the Shelves behaving very badly. Warning: most of these pictures aren’t for kids and aren’t safe for work.

“Stop right where you are, your money or your life.”

Uh-oh, seems like Grimpleskins is trying to commit a highway robbery near the living room couch. Might be time to buy some toy police to arrest his ass.

2. Aww, Bilbo and Snowflake are snuggling near the Christmas decorations.

Okay, they’re not snuggling. Nothing to see here, kids. Oh, come on, can’t you just keep it in your pants and save it for the North Pole for God’s sake?

3. Seems like little Tommy Tucker’s mishaps have been too much for Nucky to handle.

Why did he have to poison himself? Why? Was that kid really such a brat? Or was the job just too hard?

4. Don’t look now but I think Trimmer has just committed grand theft auto at the Finklesteins.

Boy, someone’s going to get in trouble with the authorities tonight. Man, Trimmer really has no idea what the hell he’s getting into here.

5. And you thought seeing your mommy kissing Santa Claus was a traumatizing childhood experience. You haven’t seen nothing yet.

Oh, yes, Mrs. Robinson, have to cheat on your husband with Clinker here. Just you wait until your hubby and kiddies come home from Christmas shopping for your present.

6. Now what the hell is Bimble Bob doing in leopard underwear and a 1970s pornstache?

No, Bimble Bob, being at the Ellertons home is no way to get some free mustache rides. Seriously, you’re a complete and utter perv.

7. Holy shit, Winklekins, what the hell have you done to Barbie?

Good God, Winklekins, you’re a monster! Burying Barbie out in the yard like that makes you a sick son of a bitch. You’ll pay for this.

8. Seems like Pringle likes to creatively express himself in his artwork.

“All right, Suzie, now show me your tits. Yeah, I’m liking this. Now stay still until I get this down on canvas. It’ll be for my private enjoyment.”

9. Since deer hunting season is around this time, Slinky thought he’d go and grab himself a buck when the Bailey kiddies were in school.

Jesus Christ, he killed Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer! You bastard! Wait until Santa Claus hears about this! Boy, are you gonna be in North Pole jail after this season.

10. Timble is just on the tree to look what’s under the angel’s dress.

Man, you’re a sick elf, Timble. Looking up the tree angel’s dress. Have you no decency?

11. Aww, that’s sweet, Timkins is hanging out with the smurfs.

Holy shit! He’s captured them and is liquifying them to death in a blender! And he doesn’t seem to have an ounce of remorse over doing so.

12. Now that’s nice, Marvel decided to do some Christmas shopping.

And he seems to have made off with Mrs. Pirelli’s purse when she’s looking to buy something for her husband. What an asshole. Someone call security.

13. Seems Darth Vader finds Mittleskins’s lack of faith disturbing.

Oh, Mittleskins, what did you do to upset Lord Vader? Well, whatever it is, I’m afraid no one can help you now. Yeah, Vader isn’t a guy who takes mischief lightly.

14. “Sorry, but Glimmer and Freddie have been very naughty lately so I’m the new Elf on the Shelf at the Gregson house this year.”

Yeah, Pebbles somehow had the other two elves taped to the wall by the other toys for their misconduct. But it’s possible that he’s more evil than either of them.

15. Well, it seems that Bella made the front page.

Oh, dear. You mean she’s the one who killed those people with a meat cleaver? Good God, what the hell’s wrong with the North Pole background check system?

16. I think Ollie might have a serious partying problem.

Ollie, how many Jose Cuervos did you have? Yeah, I think you might’ve had enough for one night. Yeah, take a rest will you?

17. I don’t know about you but it seems Dinkles is enjoying his stay at the Henslers a little too much.

Yes, Dinkles, the Henslers might be nice people. But that doesn’t mean you should put yourself in their picture frames. Seriously, you need psychiatric help.

18. It’s said that Randy is a natural when it comes to cars.

Oh, is he going to let air out of the tires. Now that can’t be good. Seriously, he needs to stay out of the garage at all times.

19. “Pour me some Samuel Adams, Woody.”

Hey, Woody, before you pour some Sam Adams to Plinkie through the funnel, may I suggest you call an intervention? I think he might have a drinking problem.

20. “Tonight’s the night, Gnomey, and you will pay for what you did to those flamingos on the front yard. Yes, you will.”

Uh, I think Jangles has been watching too much Dexter lately. Yeah, I think murdering a gnome for vigilante justice is taking things a little too far.

21. Seems like Crinkler got himself into the Westons’s bathroom medicine cabinet.

Uh, Crinkler, those aren’t candy. Those are medicines, possibly coming from a prescription. They’re not for you.

22. Hey, looks like Santa has come down from the North Pole to play some games with Zippy.

Unfortunately, the game in question is beer pong, which isn’t good for your liver. Yeah, these two are going to be wasted by sunrise.

Once again, Black Friday is upon us again to kick off the official Christmas season. Of course, everyone seems to be well aware of it since businesses tend to advertise the freaking shit out of it. But as last year, I stayed true to my vow and decided that I wasn’t going to do any Christmas stuff until after Thanksgiving. And I have kept it, thank you very much. Now since many of my previous Christmas posts received a ton of views over the last year, I decided to do some second editions for a few of them such as vintage advertising, Elf on the Shelf, treats, albums covers, and sweaters. However, I plan to have some new stuff as well like Christmas crafts and possibly Christmas village sets. Of course, since the holiday season has been greatly commercialized, there are no shortage of advertising. And yes, it’s annoying as hell, especially when you see it earlier in November or before Thanksgiving. Now the olden days certainly had their share of ads as well whether they be for food, decorations, gifts, or whatever. Now you might think that Christmas ads were more wholesome and adorable. However, as I find out through Google Search and Pinterest, that’s not the case. Those who wish to spend early Christmas season fun at home can sit back and relax as I show you a treasure trove of old holiday ads your grandparents don’t want you to know ever existed.

Ladies, be your own Santa this year with your very own Formfit bra.

Okay, the woman wearing nothing but her bra is one thing. However, I think the marionette Santa is even creepier.

2. Santa wishes you a wishfull treefull of Chesterfields this Christmas.

Yes, Santa decorate an entire Christmas tree with cigarette packs. Seriously, do you really want the kids to have a lot of health problems due to first or secondhand smoke?

3. Rest assured, Santa, she’ll love you for getting Mojud.

I don’t know about you. But from how I see Santa with the nightie, he’s going to be on the naughty list this Christmas. At least when Mrs. Claus finds out. Seriously, Santa is a perv.

4. This Christmas, get yourself a Jantzen figure.

Of course, it’s her turn to play sexy Santa this year. Still, Gladys found out it was better to do it without the creepy Santa mask.

5. Beat the Christmas rush with Bell Telephone system.

Wonder who’s going to rescue the people who are hanging from them? I have no idea why they don’t have any emergency vehicles standing by. Also, I’m sure that sailor will be dead if he falls from the wires.

6. From the Baldwin Clothier Boy’s Department, here’s a book on Christmas stories.

Kind of interested on the story of Duke Pineapple. Wonder if he’s the main antagonist of the early 20th century edition of Fruit Ninja. Or maybe the illustrator was on too much absinthe.

7. I wish I was a reindeer so I can dress like a Christmas tree and spread good cheer in six different flavors.

Not sure if the reindeer is happy with having 6 different jello dishes hanging from his antlers. Also, I’m sure reindeer don’t eat jello at all. They’re more into grass.

8. An Air Way sanitizer is as beautiful as anything under the tree.

Actually that’s not what I’d call beautiful in any respect. Kind of looks like some drink dispenser or a squared Sputnik if you ask me.

Don’t like the look on Santa’s face on this one. Looks like he’s about to pull some cruel prank on these cat and kittens. Like spiking the milk with laxative or something like that.

17. Give your loved ones the gift of comfort this Christmas like a hot water bottle from Wearever.

To be fair, they didn’t have the kind of heating technology we do. However, I don’t think anyone uses hot water bottles anymore, save in cartoons. Also, looks like the kind of gift you’d give your co-worker secret Santa.

Yeah, nothing makes a great Christmas gift than a can of paint varnish. Seriously, that’s what you get in a hardware store, not a Christmas gift.

19. Why have one Santa in your ad when you can have 2?

Now these Santas certainly look different. One is taller and has glasses. Yet, both seem to think that vacuum cleaners make great Christmas gifts for women. As a woman, I find this ad appallingly insulting. Seriously, I loathe vacuum cleaners.

20. Give your wife a kitchen appliance for Christmas from Frigidaire.

Seems like Santa really spent a fortune on that stove, dishwasher, and refrigerator. Still, since when is it her kitchen? It’s their kitchen. It’s their house. Appliances shouldn’t be promoted as gifts for women but for the whole family. Because everyone uses them.

21. Sorry, reindeer, but Santa is updating his sleigh this year to gasoline powered.

Seems like the reindeer union might vote to go on a stampede in Santa’s garage. Yeah, that’s no union at the North Pole I want to mess with. But if your livelihood is in jeopardy, you gotta do what you gotta do.

22. Christmas is the best time of year to get tires because it’s always the year after next that counts.

And it seems that this guy might either need to hit the gym or buy a new Santa suit. Then again, it’s probably worn out. Still, love the look on this wife’s face.

23. When it comes to reading letters from kids, Santa likes to kick back with some White Rock ginger ale and scotch for his scotch and soda.

So, kiddies, don’t be surprised if your letter from Santa sounds about as incomprehensive as your drunk uncle’s Thanksgiving rant. Santa is just very drunk at the moment.

24. Give Mom a break this Christmas with a Hotpoint dishwasher.

Wonder how much this family eats considering the quantity of dishes takes up a whole wall. Seriously, no family has that many dirty dishes.

25. Give a special smoker in your life a White Briar pipe this Christmas by Kaywoodie.

I don’t know about you, but Kaywoodie is a terrible name for a pipe company. Yeah, I can expect the giggles from that one.

26. A Health-O-Meter scale is a Christmas gift with a lift.

Okay, if someone on your wish list didn’t ask for a scale, you shouldn’t get one. Seriously, it might make a receiver wonder whether you think they’re fat. This is especially true for man giving gifts to their girlfriends, fiancees, or wives.

27. For heartburn relief during the holidays, try some Alka-Seltzer.

I don’t know about you but Speedy the Alka-Seltzer kid just seems straight out of my nightmares. I wouldn’t trust him with what he has.

28. For Christmas, Avon Cosmetics are a joy to give and a joy to receive.

It’s also quite interesting that one of these cosmetics is stored in a golden banana shaped bottle. It just makes me scratch my head for a moment.

29. Usher’s Green Stripe is a 1853 Christmas original.

Now these pictures are so creepy. Well, at least the Victorian kid and the Roman with grapes. Yeah, don’t want to be near them.

30. Keep dry like the English this holiday season with Gordon’s Gin.

Of course, this basically says that the Brits usually spend the holiday season rip roaring drunk on gin, which is the worst alcoholic beverage on the planet. Still, given Britian’s problem with binging, this doesn’t reflect well on the country.

31. Decorate your Christmas tree this year with Noma lights.

Yes, I know the Santa baby is supposed to be adorable. But to me, there’s just something about this cherubic demon child that terrifies me down to the core.

32. This Christmas, deck the halls of your home with easy to make decorations with Styrofoam.

You the packing material stuff that never biodegrades that you can find almost anywhere. Well, you can make decorations with that.

33. Remember that the prettiest Christmas dollies use Scotch hair set tape.

When I see a woman with tape on her face like this, I don’t think I’d brush it off as a decorative enhancement. Hell, I’d wonder whether she needs to leave her boyfriend and file a restraining order. That doesn’t look good.

Now calling Santa to give you lingerie is one thing. But this woman looks like she’s in the mood for more than just lingerie. I mean look at her suggestive sexy eyes.

35. Be clear and fresh this Christmas with Ivory soap.

Yes, I know this little kid is supposed to look so cute and innocent. But for some reason, she doesn’t even look real and perhaps a bit creepy.

36. Even Santa Clause eats Cream of Wheat for breakfast.

And in this ad, Santa has just alienated one of his big demographics such as black children. Seriously, Rastah is a racist caricature for God’s sake.

37. Webster Cigars makes a great gift for important men.

I bet lady sitting here’s like, “How much longer do I have to endure this dinner sitting next to that douche? Why did I have to spend Christmas with my boyfriend’s family this year instead of taking a plane home to see my folks? Why, sweet Jesus, Why?”

38. Is your child a bed wetter? Then this Christmas, we can help them stop.

Now this is just really insulting. Yes, kids wet the bed at some point in their childhood. But really should there be an ad shaming kids that do? Probably not.

I don’t know about you. But Santa doesn’t seem to be on the jolly side here. Seems to be telling the woman to accept this great sweeper and she’d like it or else he’d ram his sleigh and reindeer into her house.

42. Cherish your Christmas moments with your family with this Kodak camera.

Yes, the girl is supposed to be cute and innocent. But for some reason, I sense some evil in her soulless eyes as if she’s strangling the little doll with her chubby fingers.

43. Some people just can’t wait to open their Christmas presents under the tree.

Yes, I know plenty of men like beer. But that doesn’t mean you should give your man box with 24 cans. And if he opens it before Christmas, it might mean that he has a drinking problem.

44. Santa says that electricity is cheap so use more of it, courtesy of Carolina Power & Light Company.

Yes, electricity is great. However, fossil fuel use is not. So perhaps it’d be better to conserve electricity and save energy. Besides, isn’t Santa’s home being threatened by a little thing called climate change? Yeah, I think he should know better.

45. For fair feminine skin this holiday season use Hinds Almond and Honey Cream.

Now I don’t know which is scarier in this. Santa looks pretty terrifying as is. But I think the little girls might just kill him if he doesn’t give them the dolls they wanted.

46. For Santa, Christmas is all about “give and take.”

You see, kids, that wasn’t your dad raiding the fridge on Christmas Eve. That was Santa who ate the turkey before refreshing himself with a bottle of Coca-Cola. Yes, Santa just wants to raid your fridge in exchange for presents.

47. For Christmas, give something useful like Colgate products.

Unless you’re a dentist or have close association with one, I’m not sure Colgate products make good Christmas gift ideas. Seriously, they make toothpaste for God’s sake. Besides, nobody wants to receive a toothbrush for Christmas.

48. Hallmark Christmas cards are always a great idea, now featuring artwork from the Right Honourable Sir Winston Churchill.

Yes, Churchill led Britain during WWII. But would you really buy a Christmas card with one of his paintings? Also, kind of looks a bit skeevy here like he really needs cash at the moment.

49. For the skier in your life, Chesterfield is the ideal cigarette for them.

Now I know skiing might be great exercise. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep your lungs free from tar and nicotine while on the slopes. Because if you don’t ruin your body in a ski accident, you’ll sure ruin it through smoking cigarettes I assure you.

50. This Christmas don’t miss the fun of smoking with Pall Mall.

Yes, don’t miss the fun of smoking and enjoy the thrills of respiratory problems, cancer, cardiovascular disease, premature aging, yellow skin, and early death. Actually, this Christmas I encourage you to miss the fun of smoking because its side effects aren’t very fun at all.

Yeah, Santa doesn’t seem to be very happy with getting a razor for his Christmas present. He’ll probably regift it to Mrs. Claus, hoping she’d use it to shave her legs.

52. May all your dreams come true this Christmas, courtesy of Marlboro.

Of course, since we’re talking about Marlboro, the tobacco company hopes that your dreams don’t consist of living a long and healthy life. Also, Santa smoking a cigarette, really not setting a great example for the kids. Bad, Santa.

53. Treat your son right this Christmas by giving him a 22 from Winchester.

Now this ad gives dads advice on what to tell their wives when they give their boy’s a Winchester. From the ad: “Suppose you want to give a Winchester 22 to your 12-year-old. But the wife says, “It’s too dangerous now. Wait till he’s older.” What do you tell her? First, tell her exactly why you think a boy should learn to handle guns early. Tell her he may not get a chance later. And too many kids grow up thinking guns are toys. Tell her a boy’s hankering to shoot and go hunting is perfectly normal. Something he’s born with. A part of his American tradition….” Oh, God, give me freaking break.

54. Want a gun this Christmas? Remington has got you covered.

Because no Christmas present says “Peace on Earth” than something that was designed to kill. Seriously, guns aren’t toys and are terrible Christmas presents.

55. Old Gold Cigarettes are bound to make any man look sexy this Christmas.

However, remember that the sexiness isn’t guaranteed to last if he smokes enough of them. Because he sure won’t look like this in the hospital dying of lung cancer.

56. Give underwear to your family this Christmas with Fruit of the Loom.

Now this has to be one of the most awkward Christmas photos I’ve ever seen. What’s even stranger is how everyone seems so chill with hanging around in their underwear.

57. Make this Christmas safe with Pyrene.

Okay, this looks very scary if you ask me. For one, the guy is totally freaking me out. Second, why the Christmas tree look like it’s on fire? Oh, it’s for a fire extinguisher. That makes sense. But why are the mom and kid so close to it? That’s not safe. Seriously, they need to back away.

58. Remember there are plenty of Christmas gifts made from Reynolds Aluminum.

Still, it seems like Mickey, Donald, and Dumbo get all the nice gadgets and toys while Daisy and Minnie are stuck with kitchen appliances. I’d rather get a camera or a TV than a fridge, stove, or waffle iron.

59. Want your wife to love you more? Give her a dishwasher this Christmas.

From Diply: “‘She’ll love you every time she does the dishes.’ Really? Maybe, she’ll just hold in her resentment and unleash it later.” Then again, it beats washing them in the sink. But appliances should be for the whole family.

60. For your men and boys, give the gift that lasts like Atkins “Silver Steel” Saws.

Because men certainly love a saw with a sharp blade to cut wood with. Of course, the fact psychokillers use them is only coincidental.

61. Be his Christmas star with fashions from Frederick’s of Hollywood.

Yes, bursting out of a Christmas present in a sexy gold dress and cone bra will certainly make you his Christmas star indeed. However, I’m not sure if that woman wants to be a Christmas star to the pervy guy ogling at her. That might just be a routine of hers at the Kit Kat Club.

62. Contemplate your future this holiday season with a Ouija board.

From Buzzfeed: “Really? She’s hearing from a spirit and all she can think to ask is “who’s Debbie date for the prom”!” Yeah, that’s a pretty stupid question along with “Shall I become a model or fashion designer?”

63. This Christmas treat him like a millionaire with BVD pajamas and being his servant.

I’m pretty sure this guy can take off his own slippers. But he seems too much of a douche to do so and makes his wife handle it. Jerk.

64. For the girl in your life, give her Cutex nail polish.

From Buzzfeed: “Just what every girl wants for Christmas: A drug store brand nail polish from her boyfriend.” Yeah, I’m sure no girl is vying for drug store brand nail polish this time of year.

65. Be a real Santa Claus to the wife this Christmas by giving her this washing machine.

Now I’m sure we don’t use those kinds of washing machines nowadays. Still, sexist as hell? I’ll say.

66. Tell him how lovely you are this Christmas with a new holiday party dress.

From Buzzfeed: “If you need a party dress to tell your man how “lovely you are,” then you’ve got bigger problems.” Yeah, your own insecurity. Seriously, if a man can’t see how lovely you are without a party dress, then he won’t if you’re in one.

Any boyfriend who gives me a Hoover for Christmas, I swear to God, I will burst into an uncontrollable rage never seen from the depths of hell. To my future husband: a better present would be vacuuming my place when I’m away so I won’t have to deal with the freaking noise. I hate vacuum cleaners!

68. Fellas, when woman gets a recliner, she can get 2 Christmas presents at once.

From Buzzfeed: “So this is TWO Christmas gifts that she apparently doesn’t get to enjoy.” Unfortunately, yes, as a matter of fact. Then again, I think my grandparents might have a chair like this in their house.

69. Do away with a tired and thirsty face this Christmas with Coca Cola.

Now the tired face Santa just removed is just freaky to say the least. Seriously, how did the designer think this was a good idea? I mean why?

70. Nothing makes a great Christmas gift for the kids than a Glad trash bin.

Yeah, I’m sure any kid would be smiling with pride over getting their very own trash bin for Christmas. Seriously, this is a horrible present, especially for children. Also, this one is from France.

Note: This post might contain spoilers. So if you haven’t read the books or seen the films up to Mockingjay Part 2, then you shouldn’t be viewing this. Because it might ruin the whole thing for you.

During the course of Mockingjay, while Katniss becomes a symbol of a revolution, she has plenty of psychological baggage catching up to her. Now Katniss wasn’t altogether there in the beginning since she lost her father at 11 years old and was too busy trying to support her family through poaching to grow up as a fully functioning human being. After she and Peeta win the Hunger Games, she’s already suffering with PTSD by Catching Fire and is forced to keep chugging as other characters decide that she’s too important to whatever is going on to be allowed to recover from shell shock. This gets exacerbated at every given opportunity whether it be the Quarter Quell or the rebellion. And boy, does she suffer since she has to deal with things like friends dying, her hometown bombed, war and destruction, getting wounded, Peeta’s hijacking, betrayal, and so much more.

For a parody on this state, I decided to use “Jean Valjean’s Soliloquy” from Les Miserables (it’s a great musical, I know). Now in the original Jean Valjean struggles with his worldview and how the bishop he robbed is the first person who’s ever been kind to him since he’s been on parole for stealing a loaf of bread. This even to the point when the bishop forgives him for stealing his silver. This leads him to take another path of life and break his parole. In the Hunger Games version, I had it set up at Snow’s scheduled execution after Snow tells Katniss that he didn’t bomb the Capitol in an attack that killed children and her sister Prim (when it really looked like it). Why? Because the Capitol didn’t have the bombs to conduct such an attack at that scale. And that he’d have no reason to kill Capitol civilians other than as collateral damage. Not to mention, Katniss is seeing how evil Coin truly is since she tried to get her killed and wanted another Hunger Games with Capitol children. This leaves Katniss to snap and kill Coin.

Note: This post might contain spoilers for those who haven’t read the books or seen the films up to Mockingjay Part 1.

Despite being the main character and the hero of the Hunger Games trilogy, I didn’t have a lot of song parodies for Katniss Everdeen. Perhaps it’s because it’s easier to do parodies for other characters singing about her. Maybe it’s due that Katniss’s story while momentous isn’t really fun by her perspective. I mean she started out as a dirt poor girl from District 12 who volunteered as a tribute for hers sister. Once she won the Hunger Games with Peeta via threatening suicide, she becomes an instant celebrity and an icon that inspires revolts in several districts. And sometime later, she’s made to take part in the Hunger Games again since the 3rd Quarter Quell is an all star edition year. Luckily she escapes to District 13 with some victors. And in the third book, she’s asked to become the Mockingjay symbol of the rebellion (and has little choice whether to accept). Nevertheless, Katniss’s life has changed so much that she’s now unsure who she is anymore.

For a parody on her state of mind at this point, I think “Who Am I?” from Les Miserables might be appropriate. Now the original has Jean Valjean thinking about whether to turn himself in to the court during a trial for a guy who’s identified as him. At this point in the story Jean Valjean is a successful factory owner and mayor of a small French town as well as a changed man. In this song he struggles between abandoning his responsibilities or violating his conscience. However, I think the trial was a scheme by Javert who automatically recognized him when he saved a guy under a cart. Now in the Hunger Games version, I have Katniss singing on whether she should be the Mockingjay and whether she is the same girl she used to be.

Poor, poor Haymitch. Now this guy can’t catch a break. I mean the guy has been through so much shit in his life that his drinking problem is completely understandable. At 15, he was reaped for the 2nd Quarter Quell where he had 47 to 1 odds as well as killed fellow tributes as well as witnessed some of their deaths. Luckily he won, but his way of winning inflamed Snow so much that he had Haymitch’s mother, brother, and girlfriend killed 2 weeks after his victory. And to make matters worst, prior to the first book, Haymitch had to mentor District 12 tributes for practically all his late teens and his adult life. And before Katniss and Peeta burst onto the scene, no tribute under Haymitch’s care has survived the Hunger Games. Considering this is the Hunger Games, it’s probably safe to say that these 46 tributes died through no fault of his own. I mean it’s a fight to the death for God’s sake.

Now I thought parodying “Holding Out for a Hero” would make a great song for Haymitch who really needs something to be happy about. The original song is from Footloose, expressing longing for a hero. It’s probably romantic in nature and usually addresses a guy. In the Hunger Games version, it’s Haymitch singing to Katniss and Peeta on how he really needs a break in his life.

Now as you know, the Hunger Games is about a televised teenage fight to the death. And for many of the districts, it’s a punishment they’re forced to watch. But for the Capitol, it’s simply high quality entertainment with action, thrills, and drama. Kind of like a reality show if you like to view it that way, albeit a very lethal one. Of course, I couldn’t do Hunger Games musical parodies without including the Hunger Games Master of Ceremonies himself, Caesar Flickerman. Now he’s basically the epitome of every daytime talk show host complete with his ever dazzling white teeth. No one knows how old he is but it’s pretty clear he’s fairly up there thanks to the Capitol trend of plastic surgery. He’s also known for changing his hair color every year for the Games as well. In the first book, his hair is blue. In the second, it’s lavender. Not to mention, he also interviews the tributes as well and tries to calm their public speaking fears so they don’t lose sponsors.

For his obnoxious personality, I decided to go with “Cabaret” from the eponymous musical. Now this song is played near the end, where everything is basically going to shit. I mean the two leads break up and it’s imminent that Germany is changing for the worse (I mean it takes place in the early 1930s so what do you expect?). For the Hunger Games version, I have Caesar Flickerman talk about how he interviews tributes and how the Capitol views them as a festive occasion. Yes, it’s rather disturbing but c’mon, the Capitol’s views on the Hunger Games are, for God’s sake. Also, Caesar Flickerman needs his own song.

Now as in any great musical, you’d have to have a romantic angle. Of course, in the Hunger Games, Katniss doesn’t seem to have much choice in her love life. In fact, if she wanted it, she wouldn’t want to marry and have kids mostly because she doesn’t want to see anyone she loves reaped for the Hunger Games when they’re teenagers. And that did happen to her little sister Prim which is why she volunteered as a tribute. However, Peeta confesses his love for her on national television in order to save her life and under Haymitch’s approval. So this leads to Katniss having to pretend to be in love with him even though they haven’t really interacted much save for the time when he gave her bread and that she’s not sure of her feelings. Not to mention, she thinks Peeta is faking it as well and it doesn’t take until the end when she realizes he wasn’t. In fact, he thought she actually liked him, especially when she was willing to spare his life when she came up with the idea of a joint suicide. And at the end of the first book he’s naturally heartbroken. However, in Catching Fire, Katniss and Peeta now have to fake their romance again for the cameras as well as get married. And they willfully go along with it. Nevertheless, while Peeta certainly loves Katniss and knows it, it’s becomes increasingly apparent that Katniss might actually love Peeta and may not realize it until it’s too late.

Now for the song explaining Katniss’s feelings, I used “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” from Jesus Christ Superstar. The original depicts Mary Magdalene sorting out her feelings for Jesus, a man who while friendly to her, probably has bigger things on his mind like his impending death. So let’s just say Jesus basically has absolutely no time for an intimate relationship at the moment. But that doesn’t mean Mary Magdalene could have romantic feelings for him even if they don’t go reciprocated. In the Hunger Games version, Katniss has spent considerable time with Peeta to the point she basically had a tough time sleeping without him holding her in his arms. Now if that doesn’t give me indication that she’s clearly interested in him, I don’t know what does. However, she’s not the kind of person who’s aware of her own feelings since she spent so much time hunting and providing for her family. Nevertheless, this song fits and I didn’t change the words much.