God’s number 7. An undeniably magical number. 7 long years. 1 September 2009 – 16 October 2016. Dearest Getzy.

They say first loves are the hardest to let go. And me being someone who collects and treasures my ‘firsts’ possessions, I’d say it’s mighty true. Only a pity, this black beauty ain’t gonna be parked in my museum of firsts.

My last glimpses of this dearest friend, as I walked away from it, wasn’t of any relief. In fact, it was more painful than I had ever imagined. I imagined that I would be looking forward to receiving the new car. That I would just leave this fellow hatchie behind. But the truth is, I have always been sentimental. Even more so at the final moments. The thoughts of it heading for the scrapyard, visualising how it’s gonna be crushed like they are normally done on shows, feels like I’m watching a friend being lowered into the earth.

Really. This starts to feel more like a funeral than a just simple goodbye.

Death is a release to the one who departs from the struggles of this earth. But to those who stays behind, our struggles continue. We live in memory of those who have exited our lives but we choose to continue to honor them in our hearts, in our words, in our actions, in all ways.

Today, I honor the memories of these past 7 years with my dearest faithful friend who has served alongside me to show grace after grace after grace to my circle of close friends, friends, acquaintances, people, even strangers around me. To give generously to those in need, to offer generously to those who felt undeserving, to celebrate joyously amongst fellow brothers and sisters. To honor and bring glory to the One and Only.

Remember:
The beginning times when I first just got to know you. When I started my first internship. At Audi Singapore. Going to Queensway every morning. Getting a whole lot of parking fines one after the other. And a few really hefty ones, including the bus lane fine when my only intention was to pump up your shoes travelling from one petrol station to the next which was less than 100m away. That was 2009.

In 2010, we spent quite a bit of on-off time together. And more so, in 2011, as those were the days of my national service. I still remember the day I spent cleaning you up and polishing till you sparkled a day before my polytechnic graduation, making sure you’d shine. The trips to the national shooting centre, where we would just have fun revving down that peaceful road. Book-out days and weekends were joy, looking forward to driving.

Those days continued till the third-quarter of 2012. And not forgetting how much of a help you were, when we shifted from The Shaughnessy to Punggol, ferrying so so so many things, up and down, down and up. I was simply amazed by how much things I could fit into you. Literally comparable to a pickup van.

Late 2012. I started working. We were spending every day together. Getting all covered up in sand, dust and dirt, every few days because of the roads we had to take. Then 2013 came. 4 years after. I wanted more from you. I wanted you to be better. And because of the financial inflow, I gave you a series of upgrades. Air intake, open pod air filter, strut bars. And of course I replaced your mouth and ears – the sound system, which was then crackling like encrypted messages already.

The year got more exciting. We started going sideways, sliding and grinding tarmacs. Burning up your shoes was simply adrenaline-pumping. And you continued to surprise me, how much you were holding out. How hard you could be pushed, how much you were willing to be pushed. I was amazed. I was in love. In love with a fellow mate that was willing to go its limits with me. And it hit. The limits. One hefty clutch that nearly got burnt out. Ouch.

We changed it. And the following year, 2014, we got your shocks changed as well.

We were going places after places. To work, to German classes at Orchard, to HomeTeamNS, to social outings, etc. And then 2 months in Germany at the end of 2013. God, I miss you. I miss driving but I miss it more because I was driving with you. 2 whole months of absence, without gas, brake & clutch pedals, smell of petrol, gear shifting, shoulder workouts on a relatively heavy power steering. It wasn’t me, without you.

Truly, you’ve redefined fun. You’ve redefined driving for me. You’ve taught me so much only because you gave me so much to learn. Might I say, you’re the driving force to ground myself and knowledge in mechanical engineering. A dream without will or desire to seek will not lead to completion or fruition. You are that desire. You are that initiation.

While the excessive rubber burning wasn’t our core business all along, our mission was clear. In these past 7 years, the number of rides we’ve given, the people who have sat on your leathery seats, those times when we squeezed a few more at the back, compressing those rear springs and asking your heart to pump harder to move. You’ve never given up on me. Not once. Your shoes might have popped a few times but you continued to roll as if it was nothing. Even when it’s hard, you bit on.

So many names who can testify.

For to me, you weren’t just a machine or another chunk of metal. You were and still are a fellow friend in battle. Thank you, dearest Getzy, for you have been faithful. Truly faithful.

I give thanks to my dad for his provision and support, in giving this car to me, allowing me to have fulfilled so many wonders and acts of grace through the years. It wasn’t just the acts. It was also a transformation, a God-willed one.

And above all else, I thank You, Father, God of Grace, God of Love, our One and Only, for this blessed tool of Your grace, for Your provisions of finances to upkeep this journey, the learning experiences, Your hand in my transformation. I give praise to You, Lord, for with You, that Your will be done. For with You, our journey begun 8 years ago. Amen.

This is not goodbye. This is liberation. This is to honor you, my friend, in memory and in spirit. That I will continue to serve out an abundant measure of grace to those who walk in and out of our lives, never withholding back any goodness that we may give out to generously. Though we may now be, thus forth, set apart on earth, we continue to stay together in the love of the Spirit. And as we step out of the boat and move forward to walk on water, we will courageously face the uncertainties that await us and grow to do greater things, continuing to honor each other’s tenacity and will, through the memories we cherish. You are family.

It’s about living out the purpose we are called to do.

To this, I quote:

“To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due.” ― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 4: Season of Mists

50 Years. A milestone in its time. Half a century old. Singapore stood independent, relying on its only resource since the proclamation of its independence exactly 50 years ago – us, its citizens. And She still stands today. Strong. But not to be taken for granted.

An excerpt of the lyrics from We Are Singapore:

There was a time when people said
That Singapore won’t make it, but we did
There was a time when troubles seemed too much
For us to take, but we did
We built a nation, strong and free, reaching out together
For peace and harmony

I still remember my younger days in the 90s where National Day Parades always had this song playing. Back then, it meant really no significant amount of emotions and meaning for a kid who hadn’t even reach the age of 10. Now standing at half the age of Singapore’s, the outpouring of gratitude and overflow of emotions as I put all of me into voicing out a new classic – Home (composed by Dick Lee and first sung by Kit Chan), overwhelms me.

Many people did, indeed, look down upon this small little red dot in the world, during our humble beginnings. They believed we would never make it. Let alone, grow and progress as a nation from a third-world country to today’s first-world status, in merely a period of 50 years. We were buried under so many hard issues. We probably would have doubted ourselves some point along the way, again and again. But fortunately, each and everyone of us came together. We stayed united, cared for each other despite the differences we share, regardless of race, language or religion. The kampung spirit born out of its time. Racial harmony and understanding was one of our very first step to build this nation.

Our founding father and most of our forefathers have since left us. But they have set the ground for us and pave the way for the future. They laid the foundation, grew the roots, flourish the stem and sprouted some leaves and fruits.

Thank you Mr Lee Kuan Yew.
Thank you Mr Sinnathamby Rajaratnam.
Thank you Dr Goh Kheng Swee.
Thank you Dr Toh Chin Chye.
Thank you Mr Lim Kim San.
Thank you Mr Hon Sui Sen.
Thank you Encik Yusof bin Ishak.
And thank you to all other forefathers, which I have yet to name, for my inadequacy in the history of the people who laid Singapore’s foundation.

It is troubling to say that with the development of today’s global society in this highly advanced world, complications in society development and human behaviour become more widespread. Expectations built upon expectations. And the purity and simplicity of life and love gets entangled with unending distractions, gradually siphoning simple joys out of the equation.

But there is always hope, lying around. We know it and we see it.

It has been truly heartwarming to see people uniting together to perform a simple deeds of good faith. Just like the example our Prime Minister, Mr Lee Hsien Loong, has mentioned in his National Day Message yesterday, people came together instinctively to lift a lorry to save a man trapped under. People singing to the song, Home, on the MRT, together. (Home on MRT)

I see new hope in this nation. A growing flame. A flame of warmth and love.

This togetherness, the feeling of one united effort, that warmth in the heart. Doesn’t it really just goes to show how much we, Singaporeans, as one united nation, can truly contribute to our home?

Struggles as there will always be. Challenges come as they may. Appreciate our present and live out our future, together.

So what do you want for the next 50 years for Singapore, Singaporeans?

I hope that we stay undivided, find strength in our unity, take heart in each other differences, criticise objectively and knowledgeably, fight to defend one another’s ideal and don’t be too quick to judge. For, greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends – John 15:13 NIV

Because this is our Home, truly.

If we can come together as one, to save our fellow man. Then there’s no less to say of what we can do for our beloved country.

And I thank God, for His grace given to this land and its people, His blessings through these 50 years and pray for His continual blessings and love for this nation.

To end off, I just want to feature some music videos in this entry that sums up togetherness, joy, and thriving.

5 July 2015. It’s the completion of yet another milestone – my first Full Marathon; 42.195km; Osim Sundown Marathon 2015.

Gun Time: 6:49:18 | Race time: 6:39:17

To some, it may have been their x number of times. To some, it may also have been their first. And to the seasoned ones, it probably would have been another training, a race to improve their personal bests, or to compete with other fellow athletes. Whatever the reason may be, the experience for me was a refreshing one, albeit nowhere near easy.

I think the race couldn’t have taken place more aptly at this point in time. A point in time, where in which recently I am filled with much uncertainty and yet another dose of douse in confidence. I had the time to indulge in my thoughts as I spent that 6.5 hours conquering that gruelling distance and also relate to what happened along the way. I truly thank God for the strength He has given me to keep on going, the will to keep on fighting, and His loving grace to lift me up through such a struggle.

The time I spent training for this race was also a struggle. But in no way, could those training experiences culminate to the experience of this one long journey (not the longest marathon, but for me, the longest I’ve ever ran.)

Exciting as it may be, awaiting to get flagged off. Mind’s ready. Body’s ready. 42.195km right? Easy peasy right? We can do it. You feel the excitement, the readiness, all geared up and ready to go. And then we’re off! Pacing oneself, not too fast, not too slow. Just at a comfortable pace, without tiring yourself.

And then to my unbelievable surprise, the route took a painstakingly steep uphill already at the initial kilometres. One that even machines with horsepower will indefinitely decelerate. Let alone human legs. I think, though, this was indicated on the running route given. I probably didn’t took notice of it and thus, my jaw-dropping and bulging eyes. Talk about surprises. This was one surprise I wasn’t prepared for. But I took it in, like all the rest did, and trudged on.

And soon after, hell began. Pardon my language here, but there’s no better way to put this. The next stretch of distance which amounts to about 20km is the bitch. It’s the part that never seems to end and you just gotta keep going and going and going. At least in this case, you know you’ll come to the point where that 20km will come to a close.

It’s only some time into that 20km, probably 2-3km in? That I already felt.. the temptation to stop running. That was only somewhat 7km or so. And damn, I thought to myself: Am I seriously even able to finish this? Doubts were already setting in. I had to satisfy my hunger. Downed 2 bananas at the next hydration station and only to realise I couldn’t run until they digested. So I took the next half an hour to sort out my thoughts, and kept walking, fast walk. Not brisk walk yet.

And when I got back on pace, it was already 3am in the morning. About 2 hours into the gun time. So the alternating paces began. Brisk Walk, Brisk Run, Brisk Walk, Brisk Run. 4km. And then, Fast Walk. 1km. Seemed to work out pretty well. And I kept going on. Then I hit my half-marathon distance. The lactic in the quads, in the shin, in my extensors. I started doing stretches just before the fast walks.

The lactic, though, wasn’t letting up. They built up, more and more, as I kept going on. And the journey, obviously, got tougher and tougher. I prayed. For strength. For Resilience. I wasn’t ready to give up. I wasn’t intending to. I would be lying, if I said that the thought of falling out and throwing in the towel altogether didn’t cross my mind.

Look around you. So many people fighting on. People even as old as 70+? 80+ probably? You can give all sort of excuses to stop. But they aren’t, are they? The crew are cheering on for you. Strangers, who aren’t even crew, supporting and cheering, providing coffee, chocolate milk, etc. What’s all these?

How can I fail with an army behind? It’s not a statement of expectation. It’s a declaration of the heartwarming support from the world. Faith. Hope. and Love.

For many bits during the run, the warmth of those thoughts damped my eyes.

I pressed on.

And on.

30km. I’m en-route. Time to plug in to rock to the beat of my running music. A surge of energy with the beats driving the mind. I was ready to conquer the last 12.195km.

But things seems to always fall short of the optimism. 33km. I was hit hard. The lactic is so saturated in my shin and quads. I can’t barely run. I was so ready to bring down the final 10km with ease. But as it turned out, this is probably the worst 10km I’ve ever done in my life.

I’m pushing to run. The legs cried the otherwise. They wanted to stop. So close. So close to the finish line. There was no way I was stopping. I kept walking. I would even crawl or roll to the finish line, if I had to (obviously, I didn’t. But I was prepared to.)

Rests and breaks became more inherent. Stretches relieved the lactic temporarily. But only enough to cover 1km or so.

And then, 2 more touching acts reached out to me. Muscle-tension relief spray at Marina Barrage from non-crew. 37km. And then slightly before 38km, a fellow runner offered me muscle rub, when I took to a seat along the route at Gardens by the Bay. Although I kinda declined the offer for the latter, I am thankful and grateful to both.

4km to go. Just gotta keep walking.

And what was surprising? I was actually still on target for my goal time.

By the time I reached the floating platform, I knew the end was near. Though not in sight as yet, it was less than a kilometres away. I was ready. Ready to unleash my rolling finish. I’ll never walk to cross the finish line.

Sun was up. I gathered some moments to take in the heat. Warm up the cold and exhausted body for one last, final burst. And off I went with small paces. 42km marked. 195 metres more. There it went, the final sprint. BOOMED!!

This is my tribute and my words of gratitude for Singapore’s First Prime Minister who passed away peacefully on 23 March 2015, 3:18am.

Through the past 6 days of national mourning (with tomorrow being the last), we have not only seen a more-than-united Singapore as hundreds of thousands of citizens queue in wait at the Parliament House to pay their last respects to the founding father of the place we call home, but also parts of the world who mourn for his passing.

The world and, without a trace of doubt, Singapore have lost a man of honor, of rooted conviction, of steadfastness, of principles, of foresight and of passion. His years of toil towards the country since the independence of Singapore and how this little red dot transformed tremendously in a brief period of 50 years are undeniably remarkable. Of course, he was a man who would credit his pioneering team for being there with him through the thick and thin, the blood and sweat, the tears and joy, the happiness and disappointment, and the successes and failures throughout the years.

Some of his comrades took their leave ahead of him and so did his one most beloved lifelong companion, his wife, the late Madam Kwa Geok Choo. Now Mr Lee takes his leave.

I remember going to sleep with a heavy heart on Monday morning at 5am in the morning after some late night studying, upon learning the news of his demise. I had difficulties falling asleep. Even though I eventually did, I woke up teary and empty hours later.

I had no actual real-life interaction with him. My memories are limited to history books, social studies, internet pictures and texts, etc. But such emptiness was somehow felt by many citizens, young, veteran and old, who, I believe, in the same way have probably never spoken to him in their entire lives. It was profound. I could not find an explanation to the uncontrollable flood of the eyes as thoughts of the impact of his actions and words overwhelmed the mind. Those who grew up together with him through the 50s, 60s and even 70s, I cannot say I know the pain and sorrow your hearts are weeping out. Much less for his family members. I feel only but a fraction of that grief.

Here I would like to quote the Singapore Pledge as a reminder of his vision:

We, the Citizens of Singapore, pledge ourselves as one united people. regardless of race, language or religion, to build a democratic society, based on justice and equality, so as to achieve happiness, prosperity and progress for our nation.

I have intentionally bold certain words, which I believe was what Mr. Lee built this tiny nation upon.

Recalling an article I read on Mothership.sg within the week about George Yeo’s reflections about Mr Lee, I felt the last one was something impressionable. Circumspice (Latin for: Look around)

His actions were controversial, as many have put it. There are times we may not have agreed at all with his style of leadership and his multitude of decisions. We opposed, we complained and we criticised irresponsibly. But I challenge you today and the days ahead, to put a hold on that impetuous impulse to blame irrationally and look all around you again.

Had he not go ahead and executed/implemented those necessary evils, will we truly have had the basic necessities, which we seemingly take for granted in this 21st century, so easily within our reach? I shudder imagine rolling back time and think about a today of which all our honorable forefathers are not in the social studies textbooks.

We are all humans. We want to succeed, in whatever we set our goals at. But because we are only humans, we can err and we will err. Mr Lee always kept a macro-view of matters in relation to the nation and its global neighbours, but never neglected the micro-issues within the boundaries of this island. And because the nation was disproportionately distributed by the type of immigrants we had in the early days, the only way to forge a root on this new ground was to stay united as one. And he did it. Bonds were formed among the diverse ethnic communities and I imagined the sight of those simple joys to be truly heartwarming.

Of all his traits I honor most, was his belief in values and being deeply entrenched in them. His high regard for moral integrity never wavered. I cannot say the same for today’s leaders. But from one person, who holds zero tolerance for the disregard of ethics, morals and guiding principles, to another, he has my salute and utmost respect. There is no other way for me to emphasise how morals, values and ethics are becoming rare invaluable gems in today’s society. And being able to stand resolute by them, to me, befits the highest honor.

He will go down in history, being a remarkable man, or whichever other light, be it good or bad, others would want to put him in. He would care less about it anyway. His legacy will live on, in the hearts of many Singaporeans and global citizens whom he have touched. I, too, hope that his legacy extends beyond the hearts of these people and into their daily actions.

Don’t be afraid to dream big and go big. But be sure to honor the moral values you have set in place. Or you will face your conscience on your day of reckoning.

Thank you Mr Lee Kuan Yew. May you rest in peace.
God bless and surround you in His abundance of grace.

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]]>https://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2015/03/28/remembering-lky/feed/0Remembering-LKYdennistjcRemembering-LKYLKYHopping dots or simply lost?https://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2013/11/13/dots-or-lost/
https://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2013/11/13/dots-or-lost/#respondTue, 12 Nov 2013 23:06:12 +0000http://definemysoul.wordpress.com/?p=59when was my last post? Let’s see…it’s coming to almost a year since I last posted.

I was actually contemplating whether to even log in and type something, because it’s definitely gonna be nothing short of a super lengthy post, considering the length of hiatus from this blog, and I still have to catch up on my online lectures for engineering mathematics (and also the quizzes to complete!!!)

but i guess if I am here, I’ve made that decision to type, and it has to be that important to reflect on how it has been for the past 11+ months.

So I started working full-time in mid Oct 2012 and at the same time, started learning German. And then work started to get monotonous and repetitive. Same stuff, same tasks with the occasional challenges that makes the brain tick. But as soon as the brain gets by the learning stage and logs them under the automation stage, it becomes peanuts. And then the brain just switches off on weekdays. Sounds like a real easy time for me, isn’t it?

On the contrary, i would say it’s kinda depriving for me. I don’t feel motivated. So much so that I demanded more from myself in learning German. So much so that I took 3 lessons per week for a term, an evening during weekdays and 2 back-to-back lessons with a lunch break on Saturday. On one hand, I was definitely in need of reaching the advance level asap, on the other hand, it is really kinda crazy to do so, while you’re still working full-time. Well, not that I minded anyone terming me as crazy. But I still managed it, in the end. Fulfilling but exhausting. So I continued with 2 courses per week, until mid-October.

Then July came, applications to dual study programs in Germany opened. Applied 3. but already 2 rejected outcomes. As if the application process wasn’t already tough enough, because I had to juggle between German homework, 8-hours of work life, and translating my applications from English to German and ensuring they sound grammatically correct in German with the help of my sister’s fiancé, I had to have a phone interview, fully in German for almost an hour. God helped me, I don’t know how I survived it. All I knew was that I was drained the next 2 days.

And then November came, 2 months of no-pay leave, in order for me to further continue my German course in Germany. And that’s where I am typing from now. It’s exciting to know that your classmates come from all over the world, though mostly from Europe. But it’s also kinda intimidating when you’re put into such an environment for the first time, especially when it’s much different from studying in a university where you’ll probably meet common people. I don’t know what I am exactly trying to describe here actually. I am saying, it’s neither bad nor really great. It’s just kinda like being thrown onto a deserted island, just not so stone-aged.

….there’s so much bleakness lying around here recently. I want to pursue mech engrg yet I don’t have a confirmed place to study. Not yet. I need an advance level certification on my German proficiency but I’m still struggling to become fluent. (but this takes times, seriously. I know that.) And then comes the troubling issue…

Throughout this time, throughout this 11+ months, I feel like I’m simply pursuing challenge after challenge, demanding more and more out of each time, testing my limits, and being conscious that I am able to succeed from one to another. Somehow it sounds like I’m filling my own ego here. And right now, my biggest toughest challenge stands in front of me, to get uni placing. But the point is, so what if I get the placing, so what if I can complete the challenge successfully? Yes, I do get a place to study what I want to pursue. But am I really feeling the true happiness in successfully completing the challenge? Perhaps, just perhaps, not.

It almost feels like I’m hopping around from one dot to another aimlessly and haphazardly. I don’t feel the rootedness and the connection to my soul. I feel different when I go for training sessions for NP and when I’m suited up to pull the trigger. I feel different when I’m behind the wheel, envisioning the development of my driving techniques. That difference in feeling while pursuing a passion and knowing this is what you want to do. Am I simply missing what I have put aside for too long? Or am I oppressing my own passions?

Or maybe I’m just too impatient?

I need to get back into action with these passions, which simply defines me, engages me, and excites me. I am gonna have to find a way to integrate seeking sports excellence and adrenaline with how I can contribute and impact the society in a better way. Looks like this is yet another challenge, that awaits me.

..that is, if I’m able to get out of this maze.

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]]>https://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2013/11/13/dots-or-lost/feed/0dennistjcRattle the nest of asheshttps://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2012/12/12/rattle-the-nest-of-ashes/
https://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2012/12/12/rattle-the-nest-of-ashes/#respondWed, 12 Dec 2012 14:10:34 +0000http://definemysoul.wordpress.com/?p=56Nearly 4 months of inactivity on this blog. Well, yea, when you don’t spend the effort to do something, present becomes history very much faster than it shld be.

But well, I’m back today, for a little walk down memory lane.

In my very first post, I mentioned something about tagging Phoenix on the post but not mentioning anything about it. This is where I am going to dig up history.

This mythical animal has always been a fascinating creature to me. And the connection to it has always felt warm. With its radiating elemental energy of Fire, it just feel so re-energizing.

Quoted from controverscial.com, “Symbolizing immortality, reincarnation and eternal light, the Phoenix brings with it a desire for change – a desire to reach for the stars.”

Back in 2006, I started blogging on Blogger, adopting the spirit of a Phoenix to empower the attitude of my journey of life. Life, inevitably, has its ups and downs. And as you know, some of the downs can be very devastating. So these down times were the points where I fall hard, when the Phoenix dies. But when I do rise again, you can be sure that I’ll come back at life’s challenges with renewed strength and unwavering determination. The young fiery bird will not be trifled with and when it spreads its wings of fires to fly out of its ashy nest, its flames will burn strong and bright.

That lasted many years. The strength it gave me to keep me going was amazing. Fall after fall, I bounced back and fight on relentlessly. Determined and more resolved to make things happen each time I fail at it.

But when I moved on, when I migrated over here to WordPress, or actually rather, before I migrated, I decided to put this great friend to rest. I wanted to be myself. My own identity. TJCD. Dennis Tan. Whatever it is. And so I moved out and away.

The only irony is that nearly a year into this new blog, I have not forged my own identity. I am still lost. I don’t know what’s…me. So much of it, has played a part in defining who I am. And by shedding up this dear friend in the deep woods, it felt cold, tougher and distant. And I miss it, all of it. The excitement, the powering up, the fury and more..

Seems to me the closure was a mistake. And no other totem can better illustrate the values, the ideals, the attitude, the hope, the radiating strength to keep going.

The way I look at it, perhaps, it’s time to pay a visit to this old friend…
And rattle its nest of ashes…

…stay tuned

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]]>https://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2012/12/12/rattle-the-nest-of-ashes/feed/0dennistjcA sign to stop or a test of determination?https://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2012/08/07/a-sign-to-stop-or-a-test-of-determination/
https://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2012/08/07/a-sign-to-stop-or-a-test-of-determination/#respondTue, 07 Aug 2012 10:31:19 +0000http://definemysoul.wordpress.com/?p=53I have been filling this blog with several entries so far all about shooting. And here’s another one. Again.

I don’t know how to kick off this entry. Maybe I’ll start with my initial plan.

I gave myself a time. A duration. A period. To make it into the national team. And that period ends before I ORD. But as it seems, things haven’t been happening the way I want it to be these days, these years. Something about my life is just feeling so messed up here. Apart from feeling messed up, there are 2 factors which has changed the game plan quite significantly. First, the way the sporting scene or at least, the local shooting scene, is developing, just doesn’t seem to give the respect athletes should be deserving. Well, that’s how I look at it. And I shan’t go into the details of what’s it and what’s not in this whole organisation. It’s off the topic and boils my blood to talk about it. A total waste of useful energy. Second, yet again, somehow it always seems that the government has a hand in it – National Service. NS seriously disrupts my whole life. PERIOD. You thought there would be time to train. More time to keep training. Let me tell you, that’s a freaking no. And definitely not more. As a matter of fact, much less!

So 2 things. Just 2 things and it changed the whole game plan.

And based on the original route, it’s either a make or break situation.

So make = national team…
break = byebye shooting, at least in singapore

Well then, I am going to ORD in Sep, which is like in about a month’s time. And I don’t know. Am I going really going to stop?

BIG QUESTION MARK.

Air Rifle hasn’t been developing well ever since after Singapore Open. I changed my position. I changed quite a bit of everything to try to suit the configs for my standing in 3-positions but everything is going awry. It’s placing extra strain on my left shoulder. Increasing the load, numbing out my shoulder and getting me headaches. Damn this shoulder injury, seriously. Damn hell, I’m at a serious loss on what I should even do.

Smallbore. Well, I am stuck back to training prone nowadays. And bloody hell, it’s getting worse by each training. I am not even working on Standing and Kneeling anymore here. And prone, the only event I thought I could really start drilling and excelling just shuts me dumbfounded these days with all the shots going haywire. Can’t even shoot a damn decent grouping. DAMN IT. SERIOUSLY. I NEED TO VENT!!!

Budget’s cut. Zero income for September and October. So now August, I’ve gotta cut every single expense. So Air Rifle trainings are out. Or rather more likely, I’ve come to a decision: I’m stopping Air Rifle.

Oh yes yes, I did notice another thing though. Got to seriously convert to contact lenses for 50m. Can’t see shit with my shooting glasses and the astigmatism. But budget’s cut! Can’t even get contacts now. ARGHHHHH!!!!

Coming back to the question, are these all signs to tell me: I should stop shooting altogether now in Singapore, or is it just another test of determination to see how long I can last? Honestly, no idea. I want so much to shoot, to train, to get better. But am I gonna ditch all these trainings that I’ve put so much sweat and money into just like that?

Sigh. There are doors open for me to continue training but right now, I am the one to choose whether to shut those doors or step through them. I need a coach, desperately. I’m struggling with shooting smallbore with a book from Germany, even though it’s damn useful. It’s like shooting in the dark to find the right target. It’ll take ages and I feel like it’s a waste of bullets. SO MANY ROUNDS WASTED ON TRYING TO HIT THE DAMN TARGET IN THE DARK!

It’s driving me nuts.
I just need help…

…sigh

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]]>https://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2012/08/07/a-sign-to-stop-or-a-test-of-determination/feed/0dennistjcSingapore Open Shooting Championships 2012https://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2012/07/13/singapore-open-shooting-championships-2012/
https://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2012/07/13/singapore-open-shooting-championships-2012/#respondFri, 13 Jul 2012 12:10:48 +0000http://definemysoul.wordpress.com/?p=48It’s over. A week of matches. A month of intensive training. And all the effort. It has all come to end on this day. 13 July 2012, Friday.

Wonder when will it ever be the next time I pick up an Air Rifle or a Free Rifle, again. I got a good feeling it won’t be a long wait anyway.

The week has been tiring, physically and mentally. I believe it is for any athlete who shoots 3 events in a week! Perhaps, it dawns on me because it’s really my first go at competing 3 events in one whole week. Afterall, it starts with the most exhausting event, 3 positions, followed by the toughest mental game: 10m Air Rifle and end it of with…the most precise game: prone? Haha.

Hectic, tiring, frustrating. I mean imagine staying on the north-eastern part of this island and waking up hours early and just to reach the range which is all the way on the WEST!! before the start time. That’s zombifyingly tiring? What about battling the peak hour heavy traffic of the expressway? God, it’s like you don’t even know you can get to the range on time even if you move out of your house like nearly 1.5 hours before the start time. 1.5 hours?!!! A journey which usually takes me 25 mins to drive on smooth traffic conditions, takes me nearly 3 times more!

Well, now if I start looking at why monthly shoots are put on Sundays, yeah, I think it’s a good idea.

Stash the morning rush and frustration aside, now let’s shift to performance of each event.

3P was a good improvement. Not major. But decent, in comparison to my previous monthly shoot in April. And the fact that it’s my second 3P shoot. So honestly, I don’t have much to complain about except for my prone, which is, well, could be better.

AIR RIFLE. SIGH. seriously, I think this cannot get any much more indecent. Can’t even remember when was the last time I managed a 540+. Okay, I can. Back in January for Inter-formation, but that was because I was too severely ill. DISASTROUS. RIDICULOUS. Damn, throw in any word in your vocabulary to describe this outrageous performance. 540 scores have to end and so does 550. It’s time to throw them in the history books and seal them deep underground. Goodbye.

And finally, we come to prone, which was today. Not the best. Not the worst, definitely. But it was pretty well done, except for the last series which somehow, a 7 happily pops out. Got off to quite a bad start. But thanks to 3M’s stick-it notes, wrote some stuff down and just stuck them at the firing line, read & visualised the steps in my head as I shot. And it ran through my 2nd, 3rd and 4th series. Then, the rhythm broke.

The team got 2nd for both 3P and prone. But I am not ignoring the fact that there were only 3 teams. The silver was probably just a….well, it didn’t felt honorable to me. It just wasn’t well competed for. Maybe a bit for prone, especially since we’re 6 points behind! But 3P is just far far away.

But still, I must thank all who encouraged and gave me pointers along the way. Particularly, I think Uncle Kasmijan deserves most credit for constantly harping on the points, that I’ve already known, but truthfully, emotions took over and disregarded them. These points are essential. But emotions…still seems to be quite an issue.

Reflections

Somehow, 2012 seems to be a year of many revelations.

First was Inter-formation, where I was made to appreciate more.
Then the Army Shooting Meet, where I was given the opportunity to see and experience.
Now, it’s this. My own game. My greatest opponent. My greatest fear. Myself.

10th year.
Not very long.
But long enough,
to know what’s going on inside of me
to see what truly needs help
to feel my true strength

Fear. Self-Doubt. Diminished confidence. Self-demeaning words.
These are big words and they are not to be under-estimated. They trampled over me. Undermining my potential. Stabbing a knife into my confidence. Ripped away what I could have. But that’s past.

No more. It ends here.

I will face you head-on. YOU WILL NEVER EVER PUT YOUR WEIGHT OVER ME, never again.
Yes, there are times that I must admit, it’s not good enough.
But it’s NEVER AN ALWAYS. SCREW YOU, BLOODY WORDS.

I HAVE BEEN GOOD. MANY TIMES. AND I AM WAY BETTER THAN YOU THINK.
SO GET THE DAMN HELL OUT OF MY HEAD. OR THOU SHALL RE-IGNITE THE PAST FLAMES and BURN YOU DOWN, ONE BY ONE. not even a dot left on any alphabet.

No more hesitation. No more being nice. There’s a limit to everything. And my limit’s reached.

I am myself.
I am what I am.
I am Dennis Tan.
And I am good. Not just good. Very good.

My game is a silent battle and the playground’s over at the range.

No time to waste. It’s time to roar and….
.
.
.
BANGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

p.s. i think i seriously need a coach. argh.

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]]>https://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2012/07/13/singapore-open-shooting-championships-2012/feed/0dennistjcWhen expectations become dangeroushttps://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2012/07/05/when-expectations-become-dangerous/
https://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2012/07/05/when-expectations-become-dangerous/#respondWed, 04 Jul 2012 16:42:56 +0000http://definemysoul.wordpress.com/?p=44Singapore Open Shooting Championships 2012 is starting this weekend with all the administration procedures on registration and equipment control.

And as far as I know, I am shooting all 3 rifle events in this competition; namely 10m Air Rifle, 50m Free Rifle Prone and 50m Free Rifle 3-Positions.

Am I ready? Honestly, no. I am not mentally ready. As a matter of fact, I am coming down with a lot of pre-competition pressure and stress. Totally unnecessary. Apart from 3P, I think 10m AR and 50m prone ain’t gonna be a problem at all. Technically that is.

This is killing me. It’s really breaking me down. I feel like my brain is heading for a meltdown.

Cause? One word: Expectations.

Normally, having expectations are good. It gets you motivated, sets you at doing something and drives you towards it. But there are times, when our own expectations thread beyond the safety zone and crosses into where danger lurks. Over-expectations lead to unnecessary pressure, stress, anxiety, inhibitive reactions, etc. Puts an athlete really at the edge and eventually when he breaks, his brains will just bust. Even if he doesn’t, the performance will just go way under. Frustration’s gonna build up and self-confidence is gonna take a big dip with all the self-blame on oneself.

Oh mannn…

This is all what I am suffering right now. Well, at least the only consolation I get is that I am still sane enough to know and identify before I really go crazy.

Damn. this sucks. Sigh.

I need to do something that detaches me totally off the expectations pre-conceived in this head of mine. I need to enjoy the game. And seriously, I can’t remember when was the last time I truly enjoyed the game.

End quote: Too much expectations = more disappointment. Just get in the game, and have fun. (note to self)

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]]>https://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2012/07/05/when-expectations-become-dangerous/feed/0dennistjc3-Positions = 3x multiplier for nearly everythinghttps://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2012/04/29/3-positions-3x-multiplier-for-nearly-everything/
https://definemysoul.wordpress.com/2012/04/29/3-positions-3x-multiplier-for-nearly-everything/#respondSun, 29 Apr 2012 04:00:19 +0000http://definemysoul.wordpress.com/?p=38Mmm, it’s about a week from my first monthly shoot and my first actual competitive match for the 3P event. Well, once again, I’m late to post. I guess I really can’t deny I feel kinda lazy to blog sometimes, possibly because I’m just too tired to put my English to creative use or I’m just too busy caught up with doing other things …like Marvel: Avengers Alliance on Facebook. (Man, it’s so addictive, it’s like a drug now.)

Honestly, the only proper training I had, was the day before the monthly shoot. Proper defined as practice for each of the positions within the same day. In fact, to add to the list of inadequacies, I practised with way less than the quantity of rounds fired in an actual match. So…yea, number 1 reason for below average performance: extreme lack of PROPER training.

I shot a total of 1011, consisting of Prone: 367, Standing: 320, Kneeling: 324.

Well, at least I met my training objective that day. What I wanted was only to ensure I have, at the least, a relatively appropriate configuration to shoot decently. Not the best but good enough to get me through. So having met those objectives, I was satisfied, even though I knew that the belief or expectation that I definitely do too well at the monthly shoot was apparent. Maybe that was a self-imposed limiting factor I may have unconsciously placed on myself.

On the shoot itself, I must say I was still feeling pretty much under-prepared for one reason because I barely knew how the format of the match is going to be. And that is a challenge…because well, it’s my first time and I had not done any trials for a full match on myself. So yea, prone was normal, as always. I just did it like any prone monthly shoots. But the anxiety for the debut match in 3-positions got my heart beating a little faster than usual. Naturally, that led to a few undesirable follow-up consequences. The increased rate of heart-beat was distracting, increases your muscles’ tension, accelerated rate of homeostasis which in this case, perspiration, and heightened digestion and use of energy.

No doubt, perspiration seem to got a little too exaggerating. For every position when I removed my shooting jacket, it’s one or both of the following: the jacket got heavier and/or it got more damp. By the end of the event, I was like: “Hmmm. Okay, the jacket and innerwear is definitely drenched. And the weather is offering extreme drying services with a strong afternoon sun and a clear sky. Alright, I think I’ll just stop shooting for the day.” Seriously, the volume of perspiration couldn’t get more ridiculous than what it already was! The stench from the corrosive sweat smell…gosh, it’s x3!!!

And there’s more! Before I started shooting on the final position: Kneeling, I got a quick bite and finished half the serving of my takeaway. In fact, while finishing up my last series for my Standing position, the stomach has already started to grumble for food. This is an event that transforms hungry humans to hungry monsters! Woah.

I don’t know what to say. Must have been hell. Even running a half-marathon takes lesser time to shoot this whole event. Can you believe it? A half-marathon is physically crippling, reduces fat mass, and zombie-like if they make you start the race at 5 in the morning. A 3-Positions match is more or less static, extremely mentally exhausting, and gets you perspiring as much any physically engaging event because of the horridly humid weather here. But there’s a common similarity, they both have the ability to knock you out for hours because of the extreme fatigue the body gets from the activity.