Has it really been a
nearly a month since Agent Owens was evicted from the Big Brother
house? Is this show still on? Does anyone even care anymore?The poor sportsmanship and bad
behavior displayed by Jun and Allison has disturbed many loyal Big
Brother viewers into turning off first the feeds, then the show. (Or
worse, wishing Robert
had won. While hardly the People's Champion, this lying misogynist
was clearly the lesser of three evils.)

It's a shame that
the one BB season lucky enough to get Jack had to end as sullied and
spoiled as it did. Just watch, however, as our Agent congratulates
the winner tomorrow night. If he is disappointed in the turn
of events, he'll never show it.

So what shall happen
to FBIGuy.com now?

Why, it's being
auctioned off to the highest bidder! Oh of course it's not. I
suspect I'll let Agent Owens have the URL should he wish to promote
is literary ventures with it. Then again, there's always the chance
he would prefer to disassociate himself from this particular
endeavor. I'd respect that too. And then I'd auction it off. Oh of
course I'm not.

Thank you to
everyone for your kind and wonderful e-mails over the last three
months. Those of you who wrote looking for Jack? Every single
message and good wish will be forwarded to his family. I promise.

BUT wait!

Before the final
chapter ends and the curtain closes on our FBI Guy and his
adventures with CBS and primetime television, there are some
outstanding issues! A couple of case files involving our hero's
appearance on a discovery channel special and his literary career
remain unsolved.

More importantly, it
is my hope that Agent Owens will grace us with an interview once he
gets settled in at home. I know I have some questions for him and I
imagine you do as well, so send
them along! I'll do my best to hound the man into an interview.
Well, not hound him exactly, but pester him a little, maybe.

Until next time,
Netbiscuit

08.28.03
AGENT DOWN! WE HAVE AN AGENT DOWN! I REPEAT, WE HAVE AN AGENT DOWN!

This is far too
catastrophic an event to issue a Code Blue. We need a code red. A
really big code red that flashes and has a siren that makes a
hooooowah! hoooooowah! sound like you hear in WWII movies. Maybe
interspersed with gunfire. And some women wailing in the background.
Yes. That would be appropriate. However, I am to devastated by this
evening's events to even muster up an appropriate graphic. The
Invisible Television Friendship--one between a famous reality TV
contestant on a major network television show and an obscure and
nutty internet girl has abruptly ended.

How will we go on
watching Big Brother without Agent Owen's hilarious "I have no
idea items are being removed from the house" schtick, his wacky
lack of coordination during competitions, and his riotous "I
know who killed JFK" chatter? These are questions that as of
yet cannot be answered as we end this day with heavy hearts.

Try to sleep well,
gentle Internet reader. This will be a difficult night for us
all.

Evidently, not! Ali
is stabbing another back--this time trying to persuade people that
Jack is "creepy." Jee has his retardo power play
going, Erika has given up on the alliance and has jumped ship,
and even we here at little old FBIGUY.COM are getting dragged into
the fray. My hosting service is unable to protect my site from virus
shenanigans. All in all, it's not looking too good for our FBI Guy. Jack's being
hack attacked both inside and outside the house. Total drag.

Preparing for the last stand.

And so the countdown has
officially begun. Ali and Jun's live feed conversations have
convinced this viewer that Jee's an entirely ineffective HOH this
time around and while he wishes to evict Erica this week, FBI Guy's
time is prematurely, at hand. Is the Code Blue light ever off around
here anymore?

Sadly, no.

STRATEGY OR SOMETHING MORE INSIDIOUS?

Jack's winded gnome
performance and his recent live feed comments about his desire for
medical investigation into memory problems leaves viewers stymied.
Could this be a serious medical condition or is it merely playing
into a greater strategy? Assuring the other HGs that he is neither
physically nor mentally capable of winning competitions could be a
brilliant move. However, the alternate possibility leaves dozens,
nay hundreds of viewers worried about our hero's well being.
(Okay, just one, but she's really sensitive, alright? Just lay off
or I'll be forced to issue an all-points-bulletin for Jack's missing
brain cells.)

Coming soon!

An interview with
the Mrs. FBI Guy, more case files, more pictures from the show, and
maybe, just maybe, a super secret interview from the Jury House!

Stay
tuned!

08.21.03

FBIGUY.COM
HACK ATTACKED!

Warning:
Do
not open any email from fbiguy.com.

On August 12th,
FBIGUY.COM was attacked by two unidentified hackers. They were able
to send virus infected e-mails using this address by exploiting a
security hole. One connected to the internet using Genuity and the other
using RoadRunner Southwest, but that is all that is known at this
time. Geez . . . where's Agent Owens when you need him? I got some
bastard hackers trying to knock out this site--I need some FBI assistance on this problem,
pronto!

What the hell, I
think I'm just going to go ahead and issue a CODE BLUE. I know Jack
isn't up for nomination, but this is just as bad--A SNEAK
ATTACK FROM BEHIND! When Agent Owens gets out of that hellhole of a
house they've got him stuck in, he's going to be OUTRAGED!

Until further
notice, urgent messages may be sent to peacecorn at yahoo dot com.

If FBI Guy knew about our
situation,
he would assist in plotting a just revenge.

Week of 08.06.03

FRUIT SUIT FIASCO
CONTINUES:INSIDERS SAY
"VAST CONSPIRACY."

Last week, Big Brother 4's fruit
suit episode merely seemed a cute but transparent attempt to liven
up the household. However, new evidence suggests that the silly
"strawberry hat" our FBI GUY was required to wear
during the food competition may well have been government issue!

An inside source, who I will
refer to only as "Deep Throat," recently contacted me with
newly declassified photos of Agent Owens during his crime fighting
days with the bureau. See
them here. Most notable is the shocking photo shown below that
clearly indicates an eerie foreshadowing of future days in the Big
Brother house.

Some say aliens. Some say
government conspiracy. I say if this isn't an X File, than NOTHING
IS!

Oh yeah, and don't forget we've
still got that code blue thing going, but as of Sunday evening, it
appears our hero and his trusty sidekick Erika are onto Evil Ali's
plans. Finally.

FBI GUY SPOTTED IN
FRUIT SUIT! JESUS GOD!

Attention, Code Blue reissued. We
have an Agent in trouble! I repeat, we have an Agent in trouble!

On Friday evening Jack says to Erika, "The bureau can still
use me.
They've never gone after a terrorist cell with a strawberry."

No, no, no. The
trouble is not with the body tights. (ROWR!) Nor is it with the
berry hat and the notion of a grown man covered in milk.
(Incidentally, not so ROWR.) While the average American might find
this cause for alarm, Agent Owens takes all this in stride because
he's an excellent agent, of course. A good sport and cute in a
hat.

The trouble is the
second nomination. This disturbing turn of events, coupled with the
rather large consensus among both houseguests and viewers that our
hero has thrown the HOH competition, does not bode well for FBI Guy
fans.

As of the wee hours
on Friday evening, Agent Owens has the notion that the Jee3 are
going to go after Alison rather than his own Federally Bureaued self
once Nate is evicted next week. Uncertain as to whether he
divined this information through the bones of his secret agent skull
or if it was an attempt to subconsciously shield his psyche and his
conscious self from possible eviction, it doesn't matter. We know
it's crap.

Agent Owens is next
on the Jee3 list. (Because he's a powerful threat.)

Arnold Shapiro? We'd
like our twist now. Thanks ever so much.

Week of 07.30.03

Further Update:

One Official FBI
Guy Case File has been solved and two new files
have been opened. Also, any talented Special Agent will be
able to locate among those pages a top secret location, hidden in
this vast hinterland known as the Internet, where other Agents
meet and discuss the legendary FBI Guy and his progress on the
current mission; code named "Big Brother 4".

See you after
Wednesday's eviction!

Update:

Our hero's last
hopes of a nominated Justin are dashed with Robert's decision
not to use the power of veto. Jun and the three stooges appear
to be poised to nominate our FBI Guy along with Nate should one
of them win HOH next week. It may prove to be a difficult
mission, but based on experience, it is one we know that Jack
can handle.

In other news,
sources close to Agent Owens have provided the following declassified
file for your viewing pleasure.

Stay tuned for
future alerts. Sometime in the next 48 hours, two new case files
will be opened upon official debriefing of agents in the
field.

FBI Guy Survives
Nomination!

Though David is
gone, the alliance has indeed translated their resolve into
victory with Alison as HOH. While he finds the atmosphere in the
house juvenile, our FBI Guy is glad to still be there and in the
game.

So are we, Jack.
So. Are. We.

Jack tells the Diary Room,
"Dana has the sex appeal of a
buzzard's crotch."

[Dana, thank you for being such a great
sport.
You have a beautiful smile that we never saw enough of
in the BB house. The minute you hit the Jury house, you
shined
like a diamond. We think you're swell.]

Week of 07.23.03

With an agent up
for eviction at the Big Brother house, what choice do I have to
but to issue a Code Blue Alert? Given the gravity of this event,
Jack may well be facing the toughest challenge of his career in
the field. Hunting terrorist training camps and the drug lords of Cuba
is nothing compared to having to schmooze a houseful of
narcissistic 20-something twerps.

UPDATE:
Nate has exercised
his Power of Veto and removed Ali from the block. In her place,
Dana nominated Dave, the other member of FBI Guy's core alliance.
Our hero's position has never been more precarious! New Surveillance
and Maneuvers have been added--let's
hope they aren't chronicling final days.