The Dugout: Elijah Dukes Can’t Handle Life’s Basic Tasks

Sometimes I try to be charming and literate in The Dugout. I’ve made references to everything from Fyodor Dostoyevsky to “Excel Saga” in an effort to broaden the strip’s audience and present a unique voice in sports blogging humor. And then sometimes Elijah Dukes texts a picture of a bayonet to a pregnant woman and shoves her off a cliff and I’m stuck writing about how guys in sports are entitled monsters who make 400,000 times more than me to ground out about as well as I could.

But yeah, Elijah Dukes has been arrested again, this time for driving with an expired or revoked license. With Leather, meet one of The Dugout’s most popular recurring characters, an African-American woman of authority who can’t stop getting the hell choked out of her. Yes, I suppose I’m creating art.

Today’s Dugout follows.

The Dugout

**Online Host**
Welcome to the Driving Down Interstate 75 Near Tampa Chatroom!

DukesOfHazzard: ♫ unnnnnnn u no what it is blacken yello blacken yello black yello ♫ /somehow ghost-rides the whip while still in car

DukesOfHazzard: ay i wonder if that would work with tha colorz im wearin right now … ♫ unnnn i no what it is red an white red an white red an white

DukesOfHazzard: lol it work

**Online Host**
A LadyCop has entered the chatroom.

DukesOfHazzard: aww here it go

LadyCop: /strolls up to driver’s side window, taps on glass

License and registration, please.

DukesOfHazzard: /hands over papers

LadyCop: Okay, so, first of all, were you aware that your license is expired

DukesOfHazzard: yup got arrested for it like two years ago figured it be inspired by now

LadyCop: secondly, are you aware that your registration is a stack of napkins from Long John Silver’s

DukesOfHazzard: so

LadyCop: who is that with you in the car /leans in

DukesOfHazzard: pregnant girlfrien

LadyCop: could you stop punching her for a second so I could ask her a few questions

DukesOfHazzard: i ain’t gon stop punchin sh:t all my papers legit

LadyCop: are you aware that you are growing what looks like 40-50 marijuana plants in the backseat of your car

LadyCop: are you aware that you ran over a bald eagle at some point and have dragging it behind your car for the last 20 miles

LadyCop: are you aware that this license somehow expired three months before you were born

LadyCop: … /looks at phone

LadyCop: are you aware that you just texted me a picture of a broadsword with "u ded bithc" underneath