Politics/Government

Wanting to keep alive the annual Capitol Hill Softball Classic,
Washington Democrats agreed to a long list of demands the
Republican team insisted on before they would "play ball."
Surprisingly, the new rules seemed to work against the Democrat
team, as they were trounced in record-breaking fashion, 132-0.

President Obama agreed to Republicans' new softball rules, which led to a crushing Democrat defeat, only after Republican leaders swore negotiaions would be more fair next time.

"We felt that it was important for all of the politicians to get
together for this fun, annual event," said Senate Majority Leader
Harry Reid, on the losing Democrat side. "It was more important to
us to get on with the game than worry about who won or lost."

"We buried those motherfu$%ers," countered Republican Majority
Whip and Team Captain Eric Cantor. "The only thing that matters is
the scoreboard, bitches."

The once-whimsical tradition looked like it wasn't going to
happen in 2011, as the Republican team swore it would not play an
inning unless Democrats changed the rules to meet their demands.
The Democrats held strong in opposition, until an hour before the
game, at which point they agreed to every single Republican
wish.

Among the rules changes accepted by the Democrats:
• Any Democrat who touches a softball with a bat is...

Several key Republican leaders "dined and ditched" at a K Street
Waffle City when their waitress, Demma Krazt, presented them with a
bill for the meal that included sales tax. Rebelling over a bill that included sales tax, the Republican Breakfast Club included, in simplest terms, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal (not in order, some overlap).

"We signed a pledge with the American people that we would
accept no bill that included any taxes on the overly burdened,
wealthy job creators of this country," said House Majority Whip
Eric Cantor. "All of us at breakfast were, of course, wealthy, so
we had to ignore that bill, which quite clearly indicated tax on
the bottom, right before where you add 3 percent for gratuity.
Plus, I only drank water, so I asked that the bills come
separately, and the servant forgot to do that, so we walked."

Waffle City is considering whether to press theft charges
against the "Breakfast Club," which also included Speaker of the
House John Boehner and presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann.
Ms. Kratz is also wondering who will pay her back for the $87 tab
she was stuck with under Waffle City regulations.

"Do these people realize that a 'bill' is not something you
don't pay when it doesn't suit you?" asked Kratz. "I brought them
waffles, pancakes, sausage patties, biscuits--you name it...

Because Congressional Republicans and Democrats couldn't work out a
deal to raise the country's $14.3 trillion legal debt limit by
early August, President Barack Obama announced that the country
will simply forfeit on its debt and declare national
bankruptcy.By declaring bankruptcy, the U.S. government can simply walk away from its "underwater" debts. After renting for seven years, the country hopes it can buy back some assets, such as The White House, from the new Chinese owners.

"Like millions of American homeowners, the United States now
owes more money than the country is worth," stated Obama at a
ceremony that Republicans again refused to attend. "And like many
of those debt-saddled homeowners, the smart move for us at this
point is to just walk away."

According to the country's top economists, by declaring
international bankruptcy, the United States will default all of its
assets to the primary lenders, most of which are foreign countries,
private entities and corporations. It's estimated that China will
be the majority stakeholder of former U.S. assets such as its
highway system, the energy infrastructure and the U.S.
military.

"It just makes better sense right now to rent," stated Obama.
"Then we won't have to worry about interest rates or amortization.
We'll just cut our checks each month to the...

Citing
its effectiveness in the career of former Governor Arnold
Schwarzenegger, who spent 10 years shelling out money to keep his
affair and love child a secret, blackmailers across the United
States have seen their payoffs spike by an average of 30 percent.
The amount of people entering the blackmail industry has seen
similar increases.Arnold Schwarzenegger's ability to ride blackmail to the governor's mansion has caused a spike in blackmail efforts and profits.﻿﻿

"Blackmail works," said
Sheila Payola, president of the National Association of
Blackmailers (NAB). "Without blackmail payments, Arnold never
would've been governor of the most populous state in the country.
No fancy dinners with world leaders. No cutesy commercials on skis.
And I can't provide specifics, but it may or may not be true that
even his acting career wouldn't have gotten past Terminator without
effective blackmail payments. Plus he avoided 10 years' worth of
alimony and child-support payments--well, the public
kind."

Former
vice presidential candidate and former governor of Alaska Sarah
Palin announced in a press conference today, in between book
signings and paid speeches and television show pitches, that she
has resigned from her position with Fox News, so she can "better
serve the needs of Fox News."

"I'm
doing today what's in the best interest of Fox News, and that's to
resign from my position with them, so that I can work for them in
other areas where I'm not bogged down by working for them," said
Palin, who made sure to not look at her hand nor any perceived
teleprompter at any time.

Announcing her abrupt resignation from Fox News, former everything Sarah Palin noted that "you can put a hook in a fish's mouth, but that doesn't make you Betty Crocker."

"When I
pursued and accepted my job with Fox News, I always promised I
would work diligently for them," she continued while winking and
still making sure to not look at her hand. "So now the best way I
can do that is to not work for them."