Don’t worry, I’m still doing a normal Weekend Preview post. I just thought we could also enjoy Machete’s Lindsay Lohan butchering the English language. Unless… is leprosy an STD? (thanks to Dan M for the tip)

OPENING THIS WEEKEND (trailers after the jump)

The Movie: Machete, what happens when people stop being polite, and start f*cking with the wrong Mexican.The Buzz: Most people seemed to like it more than I did, and I admit, aside from Grindhouse/Planet Terror, I was never much of a Robert Rodriguez fan. There’s lots to love (just like your mom’s AdultFriendfinder profile), I just wish it was better. And I wholly support putting Danny Trejo in every movie possible. Actual exchange during a Danny Trejo radio interview: FILMDRUNK COMMENTER PAULY: “You’re like the Mexican Chuck Norris.” DANNY TREJO: “Chále, Chuck Norris dresses like me for Halloween.”

The Movie:Going the Distance, a long-distance relationship comedy starring Justin Long and Drew BarrymoreThe Buzz: Despite the fatal flaw of having Drew Barrymore play the lead in a rom-com, it’s actually gotten good reviews out of a couple people I respect, and has It’s Always Sunny’s Charlie Day, comedian Jim Gaffigan, and Rob Riggle in supporting roles (not to mention Jason Sudeikis and Ron Livingston). I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s decent, but when someone says “starring Drew Barrymore!” all I hear is “step inside for a painful anal probe!

The Movie: The American, George Clooney plays an aging hitman who thinks he’s beyond redemption when on his last job, a mysterious stranger changes everything because we’ve never seen that before.The Buzz: (*snoooooore*) Wha? What happened? Put it back on, I was just resting my eyes.

Notable Limited Releases:A Woman, A Gun, And a Noodle Shop: Hero director Zhang Yimou’s remake of the Coen Brothers Blood Simple opens today in New York and LA. Little known fact: 50 Cent once had a song about “taking you to the noodle shop” the he wisely left on the cutting room floor.

Louis CK: Hilarious: Documentary on comedian Louis CK featuring mostly footage of his stand up is now playing in Austin, Boston, San Francisco, Chicago, LA, New York, Philadelphia, and DC. I wouldn’t want more of the guy who famously wrote, “I want to rub my father’s c*ck all over Sarah Palin’s fat t*ts.” I love that man.

I see your Maul and raise you the un-named redshirt at the beginning of Cube.

09.03.10 at 11:49 pm

HoHosWeKnows

I absolutely thought of a leprosy joke when I took the picture and it then slipped my mind. This is why I’m still an amateur.
P.S. for putting this illiterate sapphic pigfucking junkie in a glamorous pose on your cover, I wish you dry nonconsensual backdoor love, Vanity Fair.