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Icy drops

Slowly the dark leaves the world behind. There it is: the light. I pull my blanket up as far up as possible, trying to hide as much as I can from myself. I can see there’s fog outside, and this place surely looks like a ghost town. A ghost in a ghost town, it couldn’t be more perfect, I think.

For a couple of hours, I lie there in agony and think: What reason do I have to get out of bed? None. Thoughts cross my mind of how useless and worthless I am like this, how things could have been, how I seem to be the only one in such a messed up situation and how trapped I am and I don’t see a way out. And how others judge, even if they don’t know me, and how they don’t understand. “Just get a job”, “Just get benefits” – if things were only so easy.

Not that it should matter, what others think of me. But somehow it does. I guess you need people and their opinions around you, just to be able to reflect on yourself and level yourself. Trapped, as a ghost in a ghost town. I don’t see a way out. At least, not right now. Always, there is this awful waiting time. I had enough of this waiting time, it’s painful. It’s killing. It brings permanent damage and you’ll never be the same again. ( If you can ever, be the same.)