Wednesday, September 13, 2006

There'll Be Some Changes Made

I, the undersigned, agree that:

I will not smoke in the apartment even if I think I can get away with it.

I will not host “overnight guests” in the apartment without prior permission. (Note: a person who arrives at 7 pm, is ridden like a show pony and then thrown out before sunrise is still considered an “overnight guest.”)

When Franklin hosts “overnight guests” I will not attempt to videotape, photograph, or otherwise record the proceedings.

I will leave Mrs. Teitelbaum’s cat alone.

I will seek professional help to address my “cat issues.”

I will not use Franklin’s e-mail accounts to send prank love notes to Rick Mondragon.

I will not use Franklin’s telephone, computer, and/or credit card to order naughty lingerie, sheep-oriented pornography, bulk alcohol, or any other unauthorized purchases.

I will not use Franklin’s first editions to press insects for my collection.

I will not use Franklin’s dpns to clean my teeth after meals.

I will replace the following books which have been damaged by chewing, cigarette burns, and/or alcohol spills: Odes of Horace, Painters and Public Life in Eighteenth-Century Paris, The Kiss of the Whip.

I will stop referring to the Buddha as “Fatboy.”

In exchange for my continued room and board, I will perform the following services to the best of my ability and without excessive bitching:

care and feeding of the sock yarn colony;

organization and cataloguing of fiber stash and knitting supplies;

mail sorting; and

assistance in answering fiber-related questions from blog readers.

I understand that if I cease to uphold this agreement, my fuzzy ass is going straight back to that farm in Vermont and I will not be flying first class.

And you actually got her to SIGN it??? Franklin my dear, you should have insisted on having it notarized as well, she can always claim it's not her signature, and/or was signed under duress... does it show that I work for lawyers? ROTFLMAO!

I knew a Thomasina once, nice demure girl, nothing like Ms. Van Hoofen. Still, a nice name. Looks like management made some changes while Delores vacationed.... I'll be curious to see how this goes... Welcome back Delores, even if things did get a bit less *ahem* free.

OK, you may think you have her behavior covered with your rules, although I'm sure she'll find a loophole. As far as her reciprocating responsibilities, though, well, let me just say as a teacher of remedial high school night school, "the best of my ability" covers a tremendous range of behavior, from the sincere effort to the total blow off. Good luck with that part.Dolores, honey, you want to come out the suburbs and sit in on a couple of classes? I have some boys who think they've got Bad Attitudes - I'm thinking you could open up a whole new world of attitude for them. (And they're all 18 or older, so if anyone catches your fancy, well, at least they'd be legal. Don't be expecting discussions of the classics afterwards, however. Maybe the new issue of Car and Driver...)

You want to rethink the mail sorting duties, hon! For instance, she may well feel that an invitation to the Silver and Gold Ball was meant for her, while the Amex bill was for the shredder. Then the next thing you know, Harry Winston's is calling asking where she went with the tiara that was on loan and the bill collector is threatening to kneecap you for the unpaid Amex.

Hey, I know that the name "Habit" is lurking here somewhere, but I didn't think that applied to Dolores' outerwear? Of course, based on her adventures, I seriously doubt the Sisters would be safe for long.

D, honey--if things get too strict there, we've got a spare bedroom for you here, a big library, and lots of urban entertainments. I'll give you your own set of DPNs, but I'm afraid our cat is allergic to cig. smoke....

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