It is a low down shame that none of that matters now. The seas are about to boil, and Lobsters are going to rule the land. How do I know? Because another book hitting the shelves this week is the Green Lantern Annual #1, and this book has very terse, direct solicitations; This book promises that “Everything changes here! EVERYTHING!”

Well that Sucks.

EVERYTHING CHANGES

I sure hope you didn’t like breathing air and drinking water, because NOW we’re going to have to drink coal and breath Carbon Dioxide. We’ll need to walk on our hands, except when we fly, and cars will drive US to work, which will now consist of paying someone else to allow you to loiter.

Maybe DC doesn’t mean it…but they do have a Legal department. I’m sure if DC meant that “everything in the fictional world of the Green Lantern changes,” they would have written that instead of stating that everything will change! EVERYTHING! Were it to be otherwise we could sue them for Liable, and DC Legal is not about to let that happen.

Diamonds will now be called Mondiads, and will be the most common stone on the Earth, where we won’t live anymore, btw, because that will change too. We’ll probably be whisked away to some crazy new planet…or maybe we’ll have to live on a Moon now, as we lived on planets back before everything changed.

You know who goes to moons sometimes? Darth Maul!

Hey, did you know that Darth Maul, the short, evil Jedi from the first Star Wars movie isn’t (fictionally) dead, but is now half cyborg and hanging out with his pissed off brother named Savage Opress? Well now you know, and you can read more about it in the latest Dark Horse Star Wars comic, Star Wars: Darth Maul : Death Sentence #2.

Or you could have “read all about it,” but now everything has changed. Now you’ll have to “smell nothing about something else.” Thanks a HEAP Green Lantern Annual #1!

GI JONESING

IDW had some truly inspired G.I. Joe merch, including an ultra in-depth look at the show in the form of the G.I. Joe Field Manual Vol. 1, AND a trade paperback of the earliest Transformers/G.I. Joe cross-overs in the G.I. Joe/Transformers TP. NOT ANYMORE. Now IDW makes pancakes from pine cones, not pancake mix, and you have to eat them with your eyes.

NOT ONLY THAT, but they WERE to publish the INCREDIBLE Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Classics Vol. 2 TP! In the most recent (beautiful) deluxe hard cover collections of the Turtle reprints, many of the stranger, wacky sub stories surrounding our heroes in a half shell were dropped for continuity sake. This was a real shame because three tales from MASTER CARTOONING GOD Mark Martin were left on the slag heap…UNTIL NOW!

TMNT Classics Vol. 2 collects ALL THREE weird TMNT tales from Martin in one handy, affordable volume. If you like strange cartooning, wild tales of logic defying feats and giant vigilante talking rats then THIS turtle tome is essential reading!

Or it would have been…if not for Green Lantern Annual #1.

Before that book we had an alright civilization with plenty of room to improve and a swell, healthy future ahead of us. Now, with the arrival of the Green Lantern Annual #1, everything changes! EVERYTHING!

I sure hope you guys and gals like your new genderless, pitch black world where up is down, death is life and Abe Lincoln wasn’t killed, but instead went on an impressive killing spree making him our first Serial Killer President…but not our last.