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Sunday, 15 August 2010

LAW REPORT : WHITTLE v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2010 )

( In a truly unforgettable case , one of Bigot-Johnson's stand-by partners felt obliged to bring a private prosecution against him, alleging that he was the victim of a psychological assault. This was a crime supposedly covered by The Offences Against The Persons Act. Here below is an extract from the trial's transcript, which reveals the full horror of the accused's clearly dreadful and shocking behaviour.)

W : I put it to this court that you Bigot are guilty of an assault......

B-J : Wait a mo....I never hit or threatened to hit you once

W : That is not a relevant point. The fundamental requirement of assault is that the victim ( who I might add was me I) had been put into a state of fear. And this can easily be done by means of psychological attacks.

B-J : Excuse me Whittle.....the context for claims of psychological assault relate only to domestic violence, rows between married or cohabiting couples

W : Well....were you and I cohabiting the same tables throughout the whole evening ?

B-J : Yes....

W :And did you regard me at that time as " your partner " ?

B-J : Yes...

W : Then that clears up that requirement.......

B-J : But how can I be accused of instilling fear upon you......when someone as feeble minded as you is so fearful by nature....... a pathetic wimp riddled with fear" . Surely then, it is an impossible feat to instill fear into someone ....like you..... who oozes fear from every pore ?

W : May be so....but it was the level of my fear which became intensified when you launched your attacks

B-J : But has it not come to your attention that many bridge players display aggression towards their partners ?

W : Oh please.....do give the court some examples.....

B-J : Well, there's.......dishing out insults, going into major sulks and tantrums, refusing to talk to partner, stomping out the room to cool down, saying things to spite partner, banging one's hands 0r head on the table, and showing displeasure by means of exaggerated gestures and facial expressions. You know....the usual things.....

W : Yes....but taken together they provide an all encompassing context of violence. Your actions were a systematic attempt to convert psychological violence into a lethal weapon.

B-J : But hold on there....all of this stuff was meant and intended to be taken as " a joke "

W : That maybe your limp excuse which you now choose to hide behind.....but to all those who were there that night your actions were far more sinister.... all loaded with menace. I have dozens of witnesses to back this up.

B-J : You are stretching the law too far. Bridge clubs are no more than boxing arenas. You know that once you enter the ring, you're in for a fight. You know your opponents are going to throw punches and inflict a great deal of pain. So....in the same way a boxer consents to be hit, bridge players consent to the " psychological damage " that may come their way.

W : Not so.....your analogy is flawed in two respects. Firstly, I was not your opponent, but your ally and partner. Therefore, I did not consent to be the target of your aggression and anger. Secondly, being hit during a boxing match is, if punches are thrown fairly ....an acceptable consequence, which falls within the rules of the game. However, your assaults all fell outside the rules of best behaviour at bridge....and therefore were completely unacceptable.

B-J : You little silver-tongued toad-faced smart arse ........

Judge : Enough of that....I'll have no psychological assaults taking place in this courtroom

W: Too late......he's done it again.......he's started an irreversible process......arhhh......I'm turning......yes....I'm turning into an emotional cripple and nervous wreck.........I want my mummy.......I want my mummy.......where's Dr. John......I need him........ his little pills and calming words........what are all these rainbow coloured elephants doing here ?.....where have all these banana people come from ?...........tell mummy to bring my pinkie with her.....will daddy read me a bedtime story ?

Judge : Get this poor sad blithering idiot out of here . I have no choice but to bring this trial to an end. Bigot...you are free to go. Have you anything you would like to say to this court before you leave ?

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About Me

Apart from being a keen political observer, I'm an unrecognised bridge genius who is forever thwarted by hapless clueless bumbledogs. Their bungled attempts to bid and play the cards properly never fail to stick one across me, such is the absurd injustice of this peculiar game.