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Don’t Be the Bearer of Bad News, Let the Expert Be the Bad Guy

We try to fix things, to do what is best when it comes to decisions about driving, home healthcare and other issues as our parents age. Stepping in and giving advice, prodding and pleading, may not be the best approach. After all, you are their children. Though they may think of you as the most brilliant, best looking and most extraordinary person in the universe, they may never see you as an expert when it comes to their care.

Sometimes it’s best to accept that. Some adult children caregivers have found that having an expert deliver advice and mandates takes the pressure off them. They can continue to be the loving, supportive and understanding child they have always been and let the doctor or another expert deliver the unwanted news. The World War II and veteran generation tend to respect authority and to follow their recommendations.

For instance, an older adult may accept more easily an ophthalmologist saying that his eye sight will no longer qualify him for a driver’s license rather than hearing an adult child deliver 10 logical and documented reasons why the parent should not drive. The adult child can empathize with the parent and at the same time reinforce the importance of the doctor’s diagnosis.

In my own family, I remember the struggle my mother encountered when it was time to have home healthcare for her mother. She would not hear of it. When Dr. Johnson, her trusted and longtime doctor, made the recommendation, she accepted it. Doctor’s orders. She still grumbled about the cost and having an unfamiliar person in the home, but my mother was no longer to blame.

This approach does not work with all older adults, but it is one to consider. It can also be reassuring to the adult child that the decision was objective and based on an expert opinion.