Saturday, September 6, 2014

Go, Crackers!

Go, Crackers!

We're Number One! We're Number
One...

After the recent hype about how really noble and
regal Florida crackers were, elevating a maligned, economically deprived segment of Florida's past inhabitants to a new level of admiration and respectability, I propose a change for the
University of Florida mascot, currently a poor, disparaged alligator. Let's face it, "Gator" just
doesn't cut it in today's market. Alligators are protected by law and
somehow it doesn't seem fair in the area of "knock 'em
silly" football for a team to be viewed as the sissies of the Southeast
Conference by hiding behind legal shield of a protected animal. Besides, sometime, somewhere,
someone is sure to file a lawsuit because they believe the name
"Gator" defames alligators. After watching several recent football games, they may be have a point. Something needs to be done to bolster the UF football program in the post-Tim Tebow football era at University of Florida. I believe a name change just may do the trick. National greatness may once again lie ahead if they just change the name. What could possibly be more appropriate than Crackers! Go, Crackers! Wow! I'm already excited!

Rival Florida State University has manipulated the "Tomahawk Chop," while murderous in its symbolic form, into an addictive power to synchronize not only a stadium full of 90,000 fans who will buy anything painted garnet and gold, but actually induce normally sedate adults sitting thousands of miles away into babbling idiots through the medium of television. Even certain ESPN commentators televising the game fall victim to its hypnotic power. Ever hear of garnet? FSU can sell anything painted that color as fast as it comes off the boat. Florida State University was way ahead of the politically astute curve by asking the Seminole Tribe of Florida to endorse their Seminole mascot and his pre-game spear tossing. I'm sure the benefits of that agreement are not for public consumption.

While seductive as the native American theme might be, the fact is they lost. That fact is also lost on the fans and the media. The newcomers won. The Seminoles, and the Calusas and Miccosukees all lost. Well, technically the Seminoles didn't lose the war as they famously never signed any formal cessation of war treaty. On the other hand, who owns Miami Beach? Remember, the University of Florida plays in the "swamp," better known as the Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, not Chief Osceola's Stadium. Like it or not, the crackers won. Well, until the casinos came in, at least.The nickname University of Florida Crackers has a
distinctive, erudite, superior connotation to it. Seriously and carefully developed and nurtured by a
movement to elevate Florida's distinctive group of settlers who in reality, didn't have a pot to pee in, to a revered level normally reserved for
"Daughters of the Mayflower." Real Florida Crackers
couldn't afford bullwhips, much less use one. But, hey, to the victor
go the spoils. The winners get to rewrite history and Erskine
Caldwell book sales fall away as Tobacco Road gets paved over with
modern history's rewrites. It's exactly what UF football needs... Go Crackers! We're Number One, We're
Number One...