3/30/2011

From Nathan Axson's CaringBridge site this week. Nathan is NED. He has, however, been in the hospital for almost two weeks having some terrible difficulties with gall bladder blockage. While the docs don't think he has relapsed with NB, it is in the back - maybe front - of his mom's mind.

Uncertainty is so scary. But I guess not as scary as a confirmed relapse. I believe that it is something else. But I can't lie, I have to prepare for the worst.I guess this is my new normal. Bouts of happiness interrupted by times of helpless, numbing fear. I know that sounds depressing..but I am in a cold and dark hospital room, too far from my family. The love of my life sleeps next to me..blissfully ignorant, while I drive myself insane in front of this computer, searching for answers...wishing I hadn't learned so much.

Sydney Marie Dudley is well-known to readers of Will Lacey's blog. Sydney's mom Rhonda posted the sweetest stories of Sydney during her fight against neuroblastoma. That Sydney and Sam should die on the same day is some sort of cosmic symmetry I'll likely never understand but in this crazy, mixed up (I had another word in mind that starts with an f but y'all know that about me already) world of childhood cancer, it's comforting to know that Sydney and Sam got to heaven within hours of one another.

Please lift these families up in your thoughts and prayers today. The first angelversary is bittersweet, at least from my experience. Relief comes knowing there are no more "firsts" to endure: First birthday without. First family photo without. First _________ without. Sorrow comes from realizing that this is the way the rest of your life will be... without.