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Author
Topic: person who infected you with HIV (Read 20688 times)

Yes i know who gave it to me..Now that person is dead..At first i was angry because it could of been mentioned to me..but the sucker said nothingI gave up regretting and hating that sucker a long time ago..Anger gets you no where..Once you can let go of your anger, you will start to live again as i did..Life's a bitch and life is also what you make it!

it seems like for a lot of people here, those people who infected you with hiv is already dead

If you have access to local resources for counseling and therapy, even something as simple as a 24-hour crisis line, you might want to reach out and use them now, rather than keep bottling up your stuff or trying to work it out through the internet. Anger, whether directed internally or at others, is not a healthy emotion.

Peace,David

i do go see someone at the center here in s/d but it doesn't really help. only time they help is when i am actually feeling something on my way there, and regarding all these other stuff, like bulge in my crotch area, the counselors says he either doesn't know or that it might be in my head and if it is in my head only, i should somehow get over it. i mean i could have told myself that

egello, if you had been 12 years old I could accept that you were "tricked" by the Evil Drug Dealer into doing things you did not want to do, but alas you were in your mid-20's and had a college education. Come on. You need to reconcile yourself with what YOU did, no others.

This thread was interesting but now is going to the gutter. Personal attacks won't help. egello, you need to seek professional help, you've been going overly anxious in the past few weeks, it's time to talk about it with someone that can help you.

egello, if you had been 12 years old I could accept that you were "tricked" by the Evil Drug Dealer into doing things you did not want to do, but alas you were in your mid-20's and had a college education. Come on. You need to reconcile yourself with what YOU did, no others.

Thank you! And speaking as someone who has done some meth....ok, a fair amount of meth. OK....quite a bit of meth. Alright, tons and tons of meth! - in my day, I can say that I don't buy waking up and being unsure if I had had butt sex before. You might feel somewhat invincible, but you are completely aware of what you are doing while you are on that stuff.

There's a bunch of folks on here who are schooled in the ways of meth, doll. You'll have to sell that story elsewhere.

Thank you! And speaking as someone who has done some meth....ok, a fair amount of meth. OK....quite a bit of meth. Alright, tons and tons of meth! - in my day, I can say that I don't buy waking up and being unsure if I had had butt sex before. You might feel somewhat invincible, but you are completely aware of what you are doing while you are on that stuff.

There's a bunch of folks on here who are schooled in the ways of meth, doll. You'll have to sell that story elsewhere.

gosh, would you stop attacking on integrity of what i am saying? is that what you exist for? jeesh

i think, i might have been drugged or something, because i was actually in a deep long sleep that night. for christ sake, i was on meth, how else could i have fallen into a coma like sleep that night.

i do go see someone at the center here in s/d but it doesn't really help. only time they help is when i am actually feeling something on my way there, and regarding all these other stuff, like bulge in my crotch area, the counselors says he either doesn't know or that it might be in my head and if it is in my head only, i should somehow get over it. i mean i could have told myself that

Sometimes the obvious is the answer, Eggy. This response, like nearly all your posts, points to a big problem, bigger than having HIV:

You feel as though you are a victim.

This doesn't wash around here very long, because no healthy, sane person wishes to be a victim. It also reinforces the stereotype of PWAs being either victims or predators. It's an old old game that was pulled out again by the media in the mid-80s following the initial shock of so many deaths. Gay men, IV drug users and whores deserve their infection, while innocent women and kids do not. This is one big reason why, 25 years into the pandemic, GWB can feel comfortable discussing AIDS in Africa but not in Washington DC. Ryan White was innocent, Rock Hudson was merely tragic.

Ask Melia or our two female world mods (Ann & Jan) if they feel like victims.

Self-identifying as a victim is one of the habits of a substance abuser. I happen to know a lot about this, as both my grand-fathers, both my parents and my sister were/are substance abusers, booze, street drugs or both. My parents are almost dead, grand-fathers are long dead, all consumed by the toxic combo of alcohol, drugs and self-pity. Only my sister, who has been sober since 1990, has found a way out of the maze.

When supporting my sister's recovery early on, i learned what a "dry drunk" was. It's someone who has stopped using but hasn't rearranged their frame of reference, so they still act like an addict. Self-pity is one of their main attributes and is a big reason why they slip. Rearranging your frame of reference involves letting go of the anger, hurt and self-pity. It's a mature, responsible, sane coping mechanism. Indulging in self-pity and self-victimization is not.

Please get help. You need it so very badly.

Logged

Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

EG, I'm going to allow this thread to stay open for the timebeing although it seems to be degenerating into simmering retorts.

I suggest you stop defending whatever your position is about how you became infected. You've made it quite clear how you recall it and how you feel about it. How about letting it rest there. If you feel misunderstood by some of the responses I suggest you take a nice big breath and let things stand that way. Sometimes it can be good to tolerate being misunderstood and disagreements -- and letting it be.

And if the whole issue is still unsatisfyingly alive in your life then I would join in supporting the suggestion that you get some professional support with sorting it out. Re-doing the past isn't going to happen. Life is so way too short under the best of conditions and it would be a shame to allow the rest of your years to be tainted by bitterness and other things which will bring you no peace.

Personally I believe strongly in dealing with what is rather than what was or what might have been.

personally i dont even like the phraseology "infected" as that implies blame, either to another person or yourself, both of which are unhealthy.

i prefer to use the word 'contracted', it certainly helps my mental health to view it that way - no blame, just dealing with an illness.

even if it could be argued that the passing on of the virus was someone else's 'fault' - which for the record i believe is only in very specific cases - what good function does anger and bitterness have outside of the initial grieving process? none. all it does is destroy you and damage your mental and physical health.

egello, even people who truly do have good reason to feel abused and victimised recognise the negativity of those feelings and try to work through them, and you need to do the same. all this anger and blame is doing you no good you need to let it go so you can move on and start living with your situation.

"I'm not keen on the idea of the afterlife - not without knowing who else will be there and what the entertainment will be. Personally I'd rather just take a rest." Oscar Berger, PWA: Looking AIDS in the Face, 1996. RIP.

I am the person who infected me. And I do not say that 'to put the blame' on you. That is just how I see it. I have more anger towards myself, than I do towards him. Something I am working on, but I still have trouble forgiving myself for not using protection.Christine

Ok, how I see it, I wasn't there when it happened to you, so I don't know any specifics. One thing I will say is that I have never met a drug dealer that lures people to get hooked on something, they usually serve those already hooked. I also speak from experience because I use to deal a few things back in the day and before meth.

As said, I wasn't there so I can't say if you were raped or not. I would hope that you would not make this up to try to gain attention, so on that note I will give you the benefit and accept you at your word that you were. Because having been raped myself, if you were lying about it, I surely w ould be offended. And if in my prescence, I would feel the urge to lay hands on you....Not trying to threatned you but I know me, ok.

Just my opinion but I feel you need to forgive yourself. It sounds like you are beating yourself up and you need to move on. In my case, the bottom line is that the fault would be mine. I put too much trust in the person who infected me but I also wasn't making him wear a condom. And even after finding out he was poz, I tried to be with him and he left me for a crackhead, prolly the one who infected him if I had to guess. Go figure. After going back to Miami and seeing how bad he looked, I was glad he had left me..... Don't get me wrong, I had my moments of anger and being pissed but wtf? You can only be pissed for so long. Move on baby, move on...

I've not been a pot smoker since a sophomore in college I'm afraid. It's sad that I know more about speedballs.

I know nothing of speedballing and I went to catholic school since grade school....Due to seeing the word speed, I would not want to partake of anything that would have my heart racing....I'd rather have the munchies..

Eg- You need to get over it. My first husband infected me and died three days after I was told I was poz while in a drug treatment center. Being a hard-core recovering vicious bitch addict, I don't buy it that you were hanging around with this guy for the time that you were and assume you were raped and therefore you're the victim. Especially when you were getting your dope from him. Is this about HIM or YOU?

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I am not the one infected,,,that would be my dad. There are many theories on who, what, when, why & how, since he & my mom were divorced for 4 years then remarried with a few surgeries in the past, really close to and led to diagnoses.

I don't care who or how, all I care about is my dads health !!!

We must move forward & live the lives we have to the fullest.

I know it's not as easy as it sounds, we have been through so much ourselves and everyones story, although the same, is different.

Even though we are no longer together as a couple, I will always care about him. He's still one of my closest and dearest friends and I wouldn't give him up for the world. We made our mistakes and I never blamed him. It's not like he held me at gunpoint while telling me to "ride him like a Harley on a rough road". It was my own stupidity - not his.

I infected myself by having unprotected sex. End of the story.I could be dramatic and go on to tell you that my very 1st boyfried lied to me and made me believe we were in a monogamous relationship and that it was safe for us to go bareback. I could go on to tell you that I was out of town for school and when I came back I sat at the airport and waited for my bf to pick me up. After 2 hours of waiting I took a cab and when I got home I found someone else in my bed. But would that change anything? NO,

I hated for too long and wasted too much time.

Rich(who now focuses on the good things that came with HIV)

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POSITIVE PEDALERS... We are a group of people living with HIV/AIDS, eliminating stigma through our positive public example.

I care that he may carry on and do it to others, I care that he couldn't be bothered to tell me...but I was the one who was too drunk to insist he used a condom. I choose to live...sod him, lifes far too short to waste time hating him, (although I do hope one day he truly realises what hes done and has to live with the guilt)

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I know i'm going to enjoy the party in the afterlife, but do you all mind that I'm going to be VERY late!!!

Dan J.

I have no clue who the person was that infected me. I hope they are still alive and are healthy & happy. I got over being angry with whoever it was a long time ago. It was MY FAULT that I became infected with HIV. Maybe they knew they were infected, maybe not, but I can't be focused on that anymore. I have to deal with the my own HIV infection & make sure that I don't pass the "bug" onto anyone else.

I know who infected me, even though I didn't find out until 2 years after I was infected.

He did it on purpose. He even went so far as to produce fake negative HIV test results. I don't hate him for infecting me. I just hate him for not giving me the choice. He assumed I would reject him if I knew he was positive, so he decided to lie. I wish he had told me, because I know myself well enough to know I would not have rejected someone simply because they are positive.

I really have no clue who infected me or when I was infected. Like others, I sure hope it was a good fuck. Other than that, I hope whoever it is knows he's POZģ is doing OK healthwise. Sometimes, I think I'd like to know, just 'cause I like to know things (I am an Aquarian, after all ). I certainly don't dwell on who it was. I don't think I ever asked anybody's status. I either used condoms or didn't (obviously). If I were in a situation like JamieD above, maybe I wouldn't be so 'at peace' with it. Maybe ignorance is bliss.

I know who infected me...he was a smooth talking, good looking doctor who knew all the right moves in and out of the bedroom. ..he just failed to tell me the one secret he had. HE was HIV+ and I was negative and had the papers to prove it. What I did for love and great sex. . . but looking back 17 years, he's dead and I'm still going strong and better than ever. I've got a great partner, career and my health. I'm one positive survivor.

I've been away from these forums for quite some time. But, I stopped back in today. This thread caught my eye and I spend a good part of the morning reading it from the begining. I couldn't help but respond. I too spend some time playing the victim card. I needed to believe that I was tricked into being infected - poor me. I was so stuck on that that I allowed it to ruin my life.

I had so much self hate from making myself the victim that I dropped out of life and got hooked on drugs. That of course started the downward spiral of complete ruin.

It wasn't until I could accept responsibility for my role in my infection and response to it that I could be healing. I have been able to kick my drug habit, form healthy relationships, and work toward healing. It's a long hard road with lots of bumps, but it is well worth the effort it takes to get through it.

I've been away from these forums for quite some time. But, I stopped back in today. This thread caught my eye and I spend a good part of the morning reading it from the begining. I couldn't help but respond. I too spend some time playing the victim card. I needed to believe that I was tricked into being infected - poor me. I was so stuck on that that I allowed it to ruin my life.

I had so much self hate from making myself the victim that I dropped out of life and got hooked on drugs. That of course started the downward spiral of complete ruin.

It wasn't until I could accept responsibility for my role in my infection and response to it that I could be healing. I have been able to kick my drug habit, form healthy relationships, and work toward healing. It's a long hard road with lots of bumps, but it is well worth the effort it takes to get through it.

Is this really the return of Red Ronnita?

Brent(Who knows his friends)

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Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

I know who it was... but the last name's a mystery and the first name's a blur. I could recognize his face, but name? Nah.

I don't really think about him as a person too much. Really early on, I resolved that being angry and bitter towards him wouldn't solve a goddamn thing. I don't give a rat's ass if he knew his status or not... my dumb ass should have made him cover it up.

I am a drug and alcohol counselor have been for most of my professional career, started counseling poor little rich kids whose parents thought they were too spoiled and had emotional issues and than found my cousin with a needle sticking out of her arm during a family gathering in 1993, she was trying to committ suicide after she found out she was poz.

So, I know that dealers are constantly trying to turn people money is the end all be all for them, however; I never imagined that I would be poz because had been married for 4 yrs, stayed single for a year and met the man who infected me began dating 7 yrs later we had a little girl who had been born with congenital defects and were both tested at the time because I had to have fetal surgery to save our daughters life.

After our daughter was born she continued having problems and our marriage began having problems as well, I was conusmed with the baby and my other children he was consumed with hospital bills and money, needless to say it was stressful and hard.

One evening he didn't come home, and it would prove to be the evening that would change our lives forever. I found out a year later that I was poz and when I confronted him well let's just say it wasn't pretty, but we still have a child together, and he has been in my other children's lives for many years, am I angry somedays, but for the most part I am slowly getting over it, I love him (even though I try not too) and he has apologized almost everyday or everytime I decide to yell at him again, but I will tell you beating him up didn't help my hands hurt and I felt kind of silly afterward, so Egello it's not about the motherfucker who infected you it's about you, and if he is still going around infecting others trust and believe that he will have his just payment, you on the other hand have to find a way to vent and let it go, holding on will only keep you angry and miserable, and not able to begin healthy relationships, intimate or otherwise take back your power and become that person who you were before the meth and HIV.

HIV hasn't changed who you are, nor does it make you any less of a person those who cannot accept all of you don't deserve you, those who do accept all of you love them for they are true and see you, not the HIV. Do not allow this disease to consume you, you are not HIV you are a smart, funny, loving, human being who desearves all the best life has to offer and who is able to give to others, don't cheat others by hating this man and stunting yourself, cheat him by taking back your power and looking in the mirror and loving your reflection.

Hug yourself, and take back your power for every second that you spend mad at him is a second of happiness that you lose...

I know who it was. A month into the relationship he told me he was positive. I forgave him right then because I should have insisted on using a condom. I was aware of the dangers beforehand. We stayed together for 3 1/2 years. Meth was another daily element of our relationship and is what became our downfall. It makes you do some very destructive things and makes you believe you are justified in doing them. I have been sober going on 2 years and have a better life now. My ex had problems he was human and made a mistake just like i did by not protecting myself. I think we get caught up in blame instead of what is at the heart of it all which is it is a disease that needs a cure and alot more understanding by not only those of us with the disease but those without!

After being poz about 4 years, this january, I found the guy that I am certain gave it to me. He's now a Christian (still a sex maniac, and does the slut routine pretty damn well),Its been difficult for me to handle, he's said sorry, and tried to be a good friend (inbetween him finding his next fuck and chatting)...

I don't wish him any harm, just doesn't seem right to hate him for something that I have to accept half the blame for.

J

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"The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn`t mean that God doesn`t love heterosexuals. It`s just that they need more supervision." -- Lynn Lavne

Initially I hated the person who infected me cuz he claimed we were safe. He claimed we were safe, since he had and still has an undetectable viral load. He did not realize that HIV cud still b passed when the viral load is no longer detectable.Well, I cannot pin the blame all on him; as I did have a hand in it as well.

I willingly chose to have unprotected sex with strange girls from the bar. My decision, my action, my responsibility. I blame only myself but accept that it was my decision and must learn to live with it.

I'm not bitter towards her, hell, she might not have even known of her status, plus we were completely wrecked. (not that it's an excuse) If I saw her again, I'd totally want to sleep with her because she was hot and the sex was pretty good.

The only thing I hate or am perhaps bitter about is the lack of services catering to the heterosexual community. Not all heterosexual white males are born into this world of white priviledge I keep hearing; natives, blacks, feminists, gays and lesbians go on and on about.

I willingly chose to have unprotected sex with strange girls from the bar. My decision, my action, my responsibility. I blame only myself but accept that it was my decision and must learn to live with it.

I'm not bitter towards her, hell, she might not have even known of her status, plus we were completely wrecked. (not that it's an excuse) If I saw her again, I'd totally want to sleep with her because she was hot and the sex was pretty good.

The only thing I hate or am perhaps bitter about is the lack of services catering to the heterosexual community. Not all heterosexual white males are born into this world of white priviledge I keep hearing; natives, blacks, feminists, gays and lesbians go on and on about.

Ah yes, the exclusive, elusive, world of priviledge reserved for natives, blacks, feminists, gays and lesbians. Any other group you would care to insult? Perhaps bitter?

Personally, I don't take it that he's being bitter or as an insult. Sure, I'm 'traditional HIV' - white and gay. A (female) friend was telling me about a friend whose husband was having affairs with other men. She got tested in case 'he passed on something like HIV'. It'll be a LONG time before HIV / AIDS isn't gay-related in this country. I can't think of the last time I've seen an ad or heard of a service that was geared to anybody but MSM's. I saw a thing on TV a while back about African-American females and their husbands or boyfriends on the 'down low'. Other than that, it's been all gay men.

Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race. Calvin Coolidge