Wednesday, January 10, 2007

don't look now there's a monkey on your back

Two o’clock in the afternoon. Time to rise and whine!

If anybody knows how to get spaghetti sauce stains out of a cream colored leather couch, please email me pronto. Thanks. And Mike, if you’re reading this, not to worry. This has nothing to do with *your* cream colored leather couch. Purely coincidental.

I forgot to mention how amazingly intuitive my Tom Tom is. I typed in my destination as “the depths of Hell” and damned if the directions to South’s place didn’t pop right up.I gonna smack Male Offspring #5, the Jebus freak of the family, when I get back home, though. I told him to make sure I had plenty of good CD’s to listen to and he assured me I did. I was about an hour away from home when I realized he’d replaced all my CD’s with Bible CD’s that he bought me for my birthday last year. I was so bored I listened to them, BUT I’m happy to say that none of it sunk in. This is one of the times I’m grateful that my mind is like a sieve and that God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

I didn’t get much sleep last night because South’s phone is still ringing about the Sugarloaf Sweeties story. BTW, “Sugarloaf Sweeties” ? Awful name for a scandal; great name for a female barbershop quartet. At first, I told callers the truth, that South was in Vegas. Now I’m just so pissed about being woken up several times during the night that I’m making up any damn excuse I feel like. I told them he was in rehab, in jail, cashiering at Dollar General, working hard on www.theworldofgoddess.com, trying to reform gays, and finally this morning I told one guy South was donating a kidney to a sick, underprivileged Ethiopian child. It just sounds like something he’d do, doesn’t it? Actually, no.

South has made it perfectly clear that you guys don’t want me to discuss cops, and I won’t, except to say that I had a bit of a run in with one at a QT outside of Atlanta. I stopped for some gum and beer, and Male Offspring #8 said, “Ca ca ba,” and went toddling off. Ca ca ba is candy bar in offspring speak. The boy might not know his name or his age, but he sure as hell knows his Kit Kat’s from his 5th Avenue bars. I said, “Great idea. Get Mommy a Snicker.” So I snapped up my scratch off lottery tickets or as I refer to them ‘my tickets to freedom‘, my Juicy Fruit and beer, and took off. Twenty minutes later when I came back for Male Offspring #8, he was sitting with a police officer in the squad car, clutching my Snicker and a half eaten bag of Reese's Pieces. I said, “Look, Officer, before you even say one word, I am a good mother. I don’t care what you might have read about me on www.theworldofgoddess.com,”--gotta keep pimping my site, just in case my story gets picked up by the media!--”I am an excellent mother. My kids are my world and I am always thinking of them.”He said, “Then what happened?”I said , “Ok, this is how it all went down. I was so excited that I won a $1 on my ‘tickets to freedom’ that I drove off, anxious to get to my computer so I could blog about it. About ten minutes after I left the store, I said, ‘who’s the prettiest Mommy in the whole wide world‘? I‘ll give you a hint, she‘s a dollar richer.” And there was no response. Well, as you can imagine, my stomach sank. My son did not think I was the prettiest Mommy in the whole wide world anymore! I turned around and PHEW! it wasn’t that he didn’t think I wasn’t pretty anymore. I’d forgotten him at QT! What a lucky break. You know, for me. So I called immediately and the lady told me he was sitting in the candy bar aisle with a Snicker and a bag of Reese’s Pieces. Ever since we saw E.T. he’s been a huge Reese’s Pieces fan. Now gimme my kid and my Snicker bar, and I’ll be on my way. BTW, you let him eat those Reese's Pieces, so you're paying for them.”Luckily, he left me off with just a warning. “Forget your kid again and you’re going to jail.” Sweet!

BTW, I had to laugh when I read Harry Zimm’s comment the other day about how he wished South would be inducted into AVN's Hall of Fame. Let’s see if I can recall my favorite Mike South moment EVER from his video “Tearing It Up In Tampa.” He rolls out from under a chick’s car in a repair shop and said, “No, Ma’am, from what I can tell it looks like it’s got rear end problems and you’re probably gonna need a lube, and for sure, a plug.” Oh the subtle sexual innuendos.Worse yet was when the chick said, “OMG. Aren’t you Mike South? The guy that does movies?’ Oh. Lord.Very Hall of Fame worthy. Personally, I can’t believe no one has ever uploaded that snippet to YouTube. It’s hilarious.Oh, and, Harry? The cops obsession thing? You might as well have wished that chicks are born with pink polka dot tits. Although I believe it was Matthew 19:26 who said, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”Peace out.