Is it possible to go wide eyed into any one these instances without developing feelings? I want to believe every one of us at some point has been caught up one way or the other in this mess and found ourselves left hanging with emotions for someone who may or may not have reciprocated them.

My friend told me about a guy she was DTFing (down to f&%?ing) and how the guy began to develop feelings. When she began to give him some distance he turned a bit hostile. I told her to talk to him that in as much as it was a bit of fun for her; he probably just went along with it to see if it would develop into something more and to withdraw from him because he was getting all mushy was cold. So she went ahead and had a conversation with him but for a while the dude was still stung, it took her a lot of grafting to get him to come to the realisation that there wasn’t more to the two of them than the physical. According to her, she couldn’t see a relationship with him because he was hard work and their personalities clashed but nevertheless he was dynamite in the sack so she couldn’t help going back to him.

Earlier this week I came across an interview Mila Kunis granted, about how her relationship with Ashton Kutcher began. She said it started off as a fling and they just happened to fall in love and now they’re married. I didn’t know that was possible.
I once unknowingly went into DTF mode myself with a guy, to be honest I had never been in such a situation before and didn’t know how to handle it and for the life of me, when I think back now I don’t know how we got there.

Initially we started talking and there was clearly attraction and chemistry so I thought we were heading for something good. It took a few months of talking before we got into it properly as we weren’t in the same country. I didn’t think men spent that much time on a woman if it wasn’t for something more meaningful. Anyway to cut the long story short we finally got DTFing… as I call it now, and I started to develop feelings. I was scared to open up to him in case I was rejected, which I eventually did. But unfortunately, like Job in the Bible what I feared most happened. My feelings meant absolutely nothing to him. The DTFing continued as much as I tried to fight it, I also began to get resentful of him and lash out at the slightest provocation. I couldn’t believe I was doing this nonsense as I have always been careful. I always ran for my dear life from this sort of predicament. I didn’t even know what friends with benefits was before this experience.

I became hard and acted like I didn’t care when in actual fact, deep down I wished I was with him everyday looking into his eyes. I wanted to get out of the situation so bad, but I found myself going back and it didn’t get any easier. Soon enough he concluded I was crazy; to him I had no reason to be upset with him as he hadn’t done anything wrong. Needless to say that’s a road I’d rather slit my throat than go down again.

These ambiguous, confusing, often painful situations arise because the driver of the casual relationship is in for whatever they can get with minimal emotional contribution. The ‘passenger’, either doesn’t know they’re going on a casual journey and through a lack of boundaries, not paying attention to red flags, ends up along for the ride, or…they do know which journey they’re taking but they think that they can cope with it or, they hope to change the driver’s mind along the way so that they change direction.

Another friend of mine told me about a guy she’s been seeing over the last 7 months. They aren’t DTFing and they aren’t in a relationship either. But they’ve been talking and spending a lot of time together, going on dates and doing most things couples do. So I asked her what’s going on and if she’s had a conversation with him, she said she has set out a day to do that. I don’t even know what to call that type of scenario, because how do two people who obviously like each other, spend so much time together and aren’t linked to other people not define their own relationship. What is the point of all of that or could they just be enjoying each other’s company? Perhaps.

I want to think that, just as Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, there are other couples out there who may have got together from these situations. I say this because over the weekend I was invited out by a friend of mine to a party. I didn’t know who the celebrants were, but for the lack of anything else planned I went along. She gave me a little intro as to how the two met and I was like oh wow!

The guy is a multi billionaire (unbeknownst to her) whom she had met at work. He didn’t present himself in all his glory. She, on the other hand, saw a nice, alright looking guy who she just wanted a bit of fun with. Soon enough she found herself falling for this ordinary guy and when he was comfortable enough that he could trust her, after carrying out some investigation into her background, he proposed. Then of course he does a big reveal and till today she’s still shocked and bewildered at the way he went about it.
Good for her I suppose, because let’s face it, dude was looking for a wife and didn’t follow the conventional route; but who’s to say that if she had taken a different approach they wouldn’t have still ended up together.

My question is, is it really possible to have no strings attached, undefined, passionate, void of emotion good steamy sex. Can you simply shut down and disappear? Do you lash out and fight the feeling by way of causing conflict or do you have a conversation and see if you are on the same page while harbouring the fear of maybe being rejected. Should it be discussed before hand, will that help prevent getting all mushy?

The concept of someone fundamentally knowing (whether they admit it or not) that they really don’t want to extend themselves beyond getting their needs met and that they don’t ‘see’ you in that (relationship) way is hard for most to grasp. This is why so many people stick around in unavailable partnerings trying to prove themselves so that they can get validation that they’re not just ‘casually’ regarded and you end up being with someone for 2 – 3 years in nothing short of a non – relationship. Obsessively analysing, making excuses, trying to re-fashion yourself to fix the situation.

I did some research and found some rules on casual relationships and maybe if you stick to these, you’ll be the better for it.

1. Limited Exposure: spend less time together to avoid emotional investment.

2. Respect Boundaries: if she/he says they don’t want anything serious, keep at just that, don’t start demanding more or getting upset when you don’t get it. (This is assuming you’ve had this kind of conversation)

3. Avoid relationship milestone; meeting each others friends, families, bringing the partner into your social circle or even observing anniversaries.

I say be observant, ask questions, have conversations MULTIPLE TIMES very early on about what you both want from being together and maybe be a bit calculative with your moves to avoid being lumbered into something that can often be avoided.

66 Comments
on Uru Eke: Can It Start Off Casual & End Up Being Something More?

BodunadeJuly 27, 2016 at 6:16 pm

“Another friend of mine told me about a guy she’s been seeing over the last 7 months. They aren’t DTFing and they aren’t in a relationship either”.

My Life right here. The ‘Limbo zone’ is my favorite of all time. For personal reasons plus I’m scared of being emotionally dependent on anything. At the first sign of feelings i quarrel and vanish lol.

Like anything related to human behavior, there are so many angles.

This topic is something I think about from time to time, writer covered so many angles, nice job!

When I was growing up. I didn’t want to be scared o! I swear I didn’t want to be scared and then I met some group of females called BNers! They changed so many things and now I’m scared of any lady now. Let’s just talk hang out, I call you for a few days, invite you to sleep over and then we done! If you say No, I press a little bit more and I still get no…I’m done!

I love the way you play with words and bring the “real talk” out of it. You’re not afraid to bare your heart. BOLD !!!!!!!!!

I can see “Oprah kind of show” with UTI NWACHUKWU AND URU EKE. Something like “BARE IT ALL” with UTI & URU

Discussing social issues and love matters.

I swear it will be a huge success. You guys are sooo real, funny, fashionable, charming, well spoken, brilliant, daring, entertainers, empaths, open minded. versatile, creative minds and good hosts.

“Rumour has it” on NDANI TV (Youtube) attests to this. You are a bridge between the oyinbo mentality and african/naija behavior. You understand both worlds so well and can relate with different social categories, different cultures.

I don’t know why it just came to my mind.

If IK osakioduwa can multitask and host so many shows why not UTI???

Since there is no Big brother, please MNET do us a favour create something else with UTI & URU. A Reality TV PROGRAM with a fake couple “UTI & URU” receiving diffferent guests in their house and discussing different topics.

Someone please grab a pen, write it down, send to MNET

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE BOTH OF YOU ON AFRICA MAGIC hosting that show. Keep it up girl, the sky is your starting point.

bellanaija what is wrong with your website? someone can’t even click “next page” again without being redirected to a third party site – in my case, the etisalat website. This is not cool. Fix this before you lose followers abeg. person no fit go past home page again for this site. nada oh

meanwhile, nice article. I haven’t been in this situation so i can’t relate but let the comments roll in. I await 😀

It happens… most of these kind of rshp turn out good cos u two are like best friends. However, keep an open mind. It’s 50/50. It may work, it may not. Do not try to overburden the other prsn with all that emotional BS. Try to be on the sane with this prsn, don’t hate on his/her girlfriend/boyfriend bcos u clearly made the choice for urself.

Stop describing me @De Duchess. You scared me for a moment because this is my life to a T you just described even with the sister comment. She keeps saying I am weird but I don’t see it ooo. And I don’t feel lonely or that anything is wrong with me. Had a goal of ten books to read this summer and outdid myself . I am trying to purge myself of BN even though I find that I am commenting more now than I usually do. Oh well…just didn’t know someone else out there is living exactly as I am.

At the risk of seeming like a copy cat…I’m this way too. I love the indoors so much I stay looking for remote jobs on indeed.com. My mum and brother complain that I don’t like going out and i shouldn’t waste my youth…but like Charlie Sheen said youth is wasted on the young.

Very intelligent write up as usual Uru, thumbs up. ( However, please allow me disagree with you a bit on this

“Respect Boundaries: if she/he says they don’t want anything serious, keep at just that, don’t start demanding more or getting upset when you don’t get it……..”

I guess it is wiser, better, safer and saner to keep the full distance in the first place, it will save you the troubles of getting upset at all. The hormones rage in battle but SELF PRESERVATION is the number one rule of engagement that hardly fails.

im still confused why people set themselves up for what could be years of hurt, grief, psychological, spiritual and emotional problems including exposing themselves to stds and unplanned pregnancy for a moment of sexual pleasure with someone they are not in a committed lifelong relationship with?
why would anyone who genuinely desires marriage want a relationship to start off with sex? why would you give your body, which is a temple, to someone who does not love you and is not prepared to enter into a life long monogamous commitment with you?
Why would you be advising people to enter into casual relationships? Worse, advising people to do so when you believe in God and call yourself a christian
casual relationships are very costly, you think you’re satisfying your ‘sexual needs’ but it’s deception, cause you realise you’re not satisfied, you’re still thirsty and still hungry…. you return but no answer…. it’s cause your not truly fulfilled, you’re not truly satisfied….. like the woman at the well who had had five husbands…. like Solomon with his thousands of wives…..
Two people using each other and creating issues and problems that can take years to overcome….
….. smh…. this article made me sad…. please dont go into a casual sex relationship… please….

read what she wrote all over again. She wasn’t advising people to go into casual relationships but wondering if when people enter into them if they lead to anywhere. She even said if you find yourself in one don’t expect anything out of it or try and talk about it so you know your position and don’t get hurt. You moral police! what she wrote is what makes the world go round whether you like it or not. Not everybody is a virgin till marriage like you sir\madam and not everyone has a conventional relationship. so open your eyes and see the real world.

Come!!! you judginas on Bella naija, are you people objective at all or just sit there behind your screens and act like you have never done anything out of the ordinary. Abeg Uru carry go jare, i always look forward to anything about you when i see your name pop up on Bella Naija feed. like someone mentioned up there you should have your own show. You are very open, bold and honest and seem like a very nice person. You got me with “Rumor has it” and i’m a fan for life my girl!!

Abegi sharrapp make we hear word o jare. Too many sanctimonious people on this bellanaija sef. Guess what? Casual sex is a thing so deal with it and stop preaching here. Not everyone believes in this so called “body is a temple” BS y’all keep preaching, it’s just sex and nothing more to some of us, get with the program!

Same question I asked some months ago, and Atoke responded that our dear Isio changed her schedule to last Tuesdays of the month, and she was going to post her article soon. Well , the article never showed up till date. BELLA NAIJA, just break the news to us that our Isio will not be posting again.. so we can rest first Atoke, Geraldine and now Isio…

So moral of the story is STOP FCKING WHEN YOU ARE NOT MARRIED
God is not a fool and his word should not be spit on
He wasnt gaggling on water when he said what he said
Continue fcking and you will continue be cursed with failed relationships even in marriage – miserable forever.

This is no rocket science.

Read the word – simple

#teamWorthThewait – and if marriage never happens then i know i made this sacrifice for God – dont judge

Oh iBIZA but wait ohh they will come and defend and give you examples for those who fked all the way to the top (including our own parents) and now happily married with beautiful kids so in other words – excuse me to say

I’m right there, the thing is he is married but we are emotionally tied down(or so I think) but a part of me feels he is using me. Had a recent fight because he wants to build closer relationship with my family, calling my sisters, sending money to them. Its hard to cut off. We havent had sex but the emotional journey for 2years has been a mess. How can I withdraw?
The guilt cripples me.

I have been there. GURL!!! Eti e melo? (How many ears do you have?) RUN. DON’T WALK. RUN. Nothing good can come out of it. Let me tell you how I got out of mine: I call him one weekend, he says, “I am home I can’t talk.” He called me on Monday morning and was still upset I called him over the weekend. That was the day the scale fell off my eyes!!! I knew right then it was just a dead end from the word ‘go’! And forget all that family meeting, it don’t mean jack, my Mum loved him like her son (please, nobody should come for my Mum o cos I didn’t send for you. She didn’t know he was married.) You are not emotionally tied anything! Wake up and smell the roses!

Botunde, I’m getting nothing cos I work and provide for myself, he last assisted with some meager change last december when I was stranded. I may not be earning as much as I should but at 24 I have a good 6 figure salary. So please, its not that.

hunnie i know exactly how you feel, mine was for 3years. i was too emotionally attached infact we both were, we became young lovers travelled, played, laughed, did many things together, his family isnt based in Nigeria and for over a year we didnt have sex nor kissed. We just connected and it was HARD for me to let go, i cried for God to help me as i had a man of my own which he was aware of, sincerely he is the one person i have loved most in my life but i had to stop i just knew it had to stop we discussed about it and agreed he felt very bad but also wanted the best for me as he knew it wouldnt lead antwhere. i pinched myself and cried on my pillow many times i yearned to send him a message or call him thank God now i am engaged to the one that would marry me.
So i know people will be quick to judge(spare me the holier tha thou attitude) but sometimes emotions are crazy you cant control them, pray about it and be determined you might not get over him completely but you will be fine without him.

This is the situation I find myself in.. well not quite.. Mr. X n I have known each other for Ever.. asin childhood. Over the years.. He wld come around my house.. Nd me Mumu didn’t knw he was into me.. mom loves him already.. He wld even ask mom if he cld take me out.. smh.. Nd mom wld be shouting oya oya go nd dress X is coming to take you out..

Now suddenly we are older and I realise I kinda sorta love this man. It’s obvious cus I wear my heart on my sleeve. but now I don’t wnt to ever be in a situationship with X because I don’t think it will blossom frm there. I find it weird that ppl who were DTF will suddenly develop a meaningfull relationship.. even if feelings blossom during the DTF period I won’t feel that the foundation of the relationship is built on the right principles..

Hmmm I know of a couple where the wife was the side chick, then the main gf broke up with the guy, the guy upgraded side chick to main gf and ended up marrying her, they have 2kids now so in situations like this anything can happen…

This issue is so touchy … So I have this friend of mine 7 years of friendship as in he is not just my friend but my best friend we will hang out together I will go to his place his mum knows my family and my mum knows we were really close got to know when I was 14 going on 15 … when I turned 17 we became closer, we started banging I fell in love with him so badly I thought I was going to die if he hurt .. he would always warn me that I shouldn’t because he can’t reciprocate. . Bear in mind through out all this he had an on/off girlfriend although initially he lied to me that they were no longer dating till I found out they actually are still dating till he finally broke up with her I thought we would finally date but no he started something else with someone else I cried so badly was depressed because up on all he did I still loved him till I met someone else . . We dated for like 4 months( he cheated) and I didn’t inform my ‘bestie’ but he noticed I was different I would put my pic with my new bf as dp and stopped him from visiting me and I became distant .. suddenly from nowhere he tells me how he actually loves me and that he wants to be with me he cant imagine being with someone else and so on, this got me so confused .. Am 22 now and so scared of being in a comitted relationship I have had 2 bf’s and I don’t want to tied down myself so fast but truth is I still love him, I don’t want to take him back so easily .. don’t know what exactly to do . He is exactly 2 years older

You’ve made the brave resolve to not take him back, so stick to that for now. If he is really yours, it will all work out in the end. Stay away because you guys were having sex and that was just a terrible foundation.

If one shares an honest opinion on DTF or whatever moniker used in reference to casual sex these days, people will camp under that comment with comments like Holy Mary, Holy Nwaja, na you holy pass.
Why in the world will you throw your virtue away so easily? Men and women alike, please save yourself the heartache and wait. It is possible, it can be done. I have no sympathy anymore, I just can’t. It may appear on the surface to work out for some whose situationships lead to something more longterm, but there is no guarantee that yours will be the exception, and there are always consequences beyond that the eyes can see.

I know a course mate who met her present husband on top runz!! It happened like film trick, we were all waiting for the marriage to pack up (not like we were praying oh) it was just weird cause the babe herself is a really complicated babe, and the guy knew her gist wella, but it’s been 7years and 2kids and they are still going strong or so it seems. Omo in this life ehn anything can happen, there are really no rules. But hey it’s still not an excuse.

If your gonna go into a f**k buddy relationship then u gotta have the heart for it, if you don’t Biko stay clear and face your work.

Go ahead use your supposed “course mate’ with a supposed long body count (yet happily married with 2 kids) as well as KIM KARDASHIAN (Poster child for “hoes keep winning”) – go ahead let them be your role model.

My husband was once a friends-with-benefit. I do not think we had those feelings at first, more like we grew into it. It was purely sex, as I was just coming out of a bad break-up and he basically was just having fun. Eventually, our pillow talk led to deeper conversations, and after two years (I was over the ex and he was in a better place for a real relationship) we settled down.

I think it can work if two people are on the same page at the same time. This is quite improbable and I guess that is why FWB might not result in marriage. If you have a feeling that you are both emotionally not in the same place (FWB or romantic feelings) then it would not work. I had a lot of casual ‘relationships’ like that when I was dating because sex has never been some emotional, spiritual experience for me. I am glad one of them led to something great and I would not change a thing.

Lol. That sounds like me and there is nothing wrong with that. I am a total introvert too. My dad once had to call a family meeting when I turned 26, and they all begged me to go outside, that man will not come and find me inside my house.
Well, the joke’s on them oo, man found me in my bedroom, while I was fiddling with my phone. See, I met my beau on social media. 2 kids and going strong now.
You are who you are, and what is yours will come to you.

Social issues like this attracts a lot of contributions especially from youth. Notwistandn, it’s educative and informative. I must sincerely advise those who are emotional, romantic, caring not to venture into trying this cos u may end up in the hook of the fisherman. Mind you heart doesn’t have bone no matter how hard u tink you are. You may tink u r just fucking that’s all but law of attraction atimes take it course and by then the weak must profess wat he feels, if the other partner is a warrior during DTF period then be ready to be look down upon cos u can’t keep a contract cos u will easily breach it. Nobody is a player dear,i repeat Nobody is a player just that who you love doesn’t love you and you would want to payback to those who you don’t love bt loves you.

I couldn’t help but tear up a little. I had this best friend of mine, we started off as church members, then “hello” “hi” kind of friends and then we became close and everyone knew we were best friends. 5 years together, suddenly we developed feelings for each other and we made it official, he told me all the sweet things in this world, how he wants me to be the mother of his children, my mum loved(and still loves) him like her son, she would allow me cook for him, visit him and go out with him because he told her that he wants us to end up together, in my mother’s voice” he said he loves everything about you, you have a wonderful character, You’re God fearing, wife material etc”. I had romance with him thrice but never allowed sex because I was scared of losing my virginity(yes I said it ??), then fast forward to 2014, he travelled to Scotland for his MSc and he changed suddenly(I still wonder if there’s a demon that makes most Nigerian boyfriends change the moment they travel outside Nigeria). I tolerated everything for the 1year he spent abroad, my brethren, this dude started dating someone else late December and he started giving excuse of not being comfortable with my dad, I saw the signs coming but I was blinded by love. Then I had to ask him when he came back home and he told me the truth that he’s seeing someone else, he’s sorry for everything and that his only challenge is my dad but he doesn’t have a problem with me. I cried for days, his mum came visiting, I served her like a daughter without disclosing anything to her, she went back to Lagos and told him of how I made her stay in port Harcourt wonderful, he called to tell me thank you and I told him that I did it because he is and will always be my best friend. God has blessed me with a wonderful soul whom I can call my fiancé now, he is not scared of my dad but always wants to chat and discuss the problems of Nigeria with my dad(they can gist for Africa lol). I’m happy I passed through that pain because it opened my eyes to so many things. Have a blessed day everyone.

@melenie, your case is soo similar to mine, the guy also travelled to scotland and later told me he is not interested anymore. That was the first and last heart ache for me coz i helped him alot when he was travelling. Well, is over now, i pray God blesses my heart with all that i lost. Love could be wicked i swear and emotions could make you do foolish things.

Ladies, I’m not making any excuses for the shiftiness/shadiness of your men… But scotland can be a lonely, cold hinterland for an internatinal student who’s all alone.

I remember meeting this Naija dude on a bus once for the first time ever & once he determined I was Nigerian, he spent the entire journey bitterly complaining to me about how lagos is more on-point than this place (we stayed friends from then & the funny thing is it’s been 7 years since and he’s still here ?).

But yeah, you arrive full of expectations, then slowly realise the people literally don’t have your time (still, I’ll always prefer them to the English), school’s just taxing to the max, the land is as cold as a witch’s heart and it’s depressingly dark almost 20 hours a day during winter. If you don’t have the innate strength of character & a good friend network to hold body and spirit together, you’ll soon go searching for warm, human companionship from the nearest quarters.

I’ve seen it happen again & again & again. Sadly.? I even had one so-called family friend from back home hit me up on yahoo messenger (kai! The dark days before Whatsapp… ?) during my school year & straight up asked me if I wanted to hook-up. When I responded with crickets, he said that I should stop deceiving myself, cold dey catch all of us. Odiegwu.?

Really sorry to hear what the no-gooders did but if they’re flighty as that…. You deserve better. ?

In casual relationships you have to be honest from the word go and let each side know that it is a purely physical relationship with no strings attaching and then dont keep at it for too long unless both parties want to turn it into a full blown relationship. Plus why da heck are you meeting his friends and family? your only meeting should be at his or yours with his penis, no sleepovers or cooking anybody stuff or forgetting any stuff behind, dont call and chat all day, just treat his penis like a client!!!

@Memebaby, I ended up with someone else oh. God gave me the garment of praise in place of shame.. My happiness and joy gives my ex reasons to worry(him never understand why I just suddenly change) he was expecting me to be depressed but my God pass am…

Mz socially awkward, the guy just doesn’t have any excuse, i did everything possible so that he wouldn’t feel lonely abroad(think of all the crazy things possible, i did them) i made a vow never to hug a guy here because i was waiting for a guy who was banging someone else in Scotland. His brother travelled to Scotland, saw everything, came back home and told me to move on because his stupid younger brother wasn’t worth it but love no allow me leave the guy, i was scared that i couldn’t live without this guy, as in i love everything about this guy(he is a prayer warrior, a gentleman, cool headed etc). My dear i almost lost the love of my life (current boo) because i was waiting for my oga Titus to come back to me…