Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Bachelor: What Is the Sound of One Hand Clapping?

We begin over at Chick Mansion, where Chris Harrison swings by to hand out the gonorrhea test results. YOU'RE ALL WINNERS! Oh no, wait, those are Date Cards. It seems that Right Handed Sarah will be going on the first Solo Date of the season. Hope it's not archery!

Perhaps to atone for the shocking lack of helicopters last season, Sean arrives in a chopper for the oblig ride over LA. There's downtown, there's a parking lot, there's a nightclub in the Valley where you'll someday do an Appearance for $300 and 2 drink coupons. Whatever. Let's move on to the next part: some kind of bungee jumping off a building in LA! That seems good because if Sarah's trying to hold on she'll be easy to push off. They jump, no one dies, yawn. In the night portion of the date, they hang out with some booze and Sarah relates a tragic tale of how she was denied the opportunity to zip line in Vegas because of her one-armed status. That's mean! Her Dad told her she needs a husband who knows how to handle situations like this. Like what, one-armed ziplining? I guess if we move to an all-zipline mass transit system, that's true. Anyway, Sean looks ready to let Sarah one-armed zip line into his heart. Awww. Sarah's only had one Serious Relationship and it sounds like it ended because he wasn't spontaneous or exciting enough. Dude, if you can't keep a one-armed girl on her toes, you're not even trying.

Group Date! They pack about 13 chicks into some limos and head out to a butt-ugly yellow-tinted faux White House New Money mansion. Oh good, they're going to practice being cover models for Harlequin romance books. The "winner" will be on some real books! So now you'll be famous! At least to semiliterate diabetic 47 year old obese divorcees, or whoever reads those things. I'm sorry, that's terrible. I'm stereotyping. Maybe Harlequin romances are Jonathan Franzen novels with more making out and PG-13 sex, I don't know. Anyway, the whole photography thing is just as excruciatingly painful and embarrassing for everyone involved as you might imagine. In the end, Kristy the "model" wins, what with her Man Face and her 3 pounds of makeup. Congratulations, I guess.

Night finds us, as it often do, boozing by the pool. Lots of facetime for Lesley. She even breaks up Sean's hang with Daniella from SF! STEP OFF BITCH, THAT'S NOT HOW WE ROLL IN THE SUCKA FREE. Meanwhile, ambiguously ethnic Catherine informs Sean that she likes to say "I'm vegan, but I love the beef." GET IT? SHE LIKES PENISES. That is so funny! Sean has a big fake laugh and says "That's so great!" but it's not great. It's sad.

Sadly, Yoga Teacher is not happy. Maybe because of what happened to her hair.

She says this "is not the right setting for her" and leaves the show. I guess she's never watched a single episode and thought it would be all healing crystals and green tea when in fact it's all vocal fry and Costco champagne.

Next up, a Solo Date with Desiree, who is just as cute and perky and intelligent as a grey squirrel. What WOULD be an ideal date is gathering acorns and self-grooming. What they ACTUALLY do is some kind of painfully unfunny Candid Camera/Punk'd type gag where they take her to a faux art show and then someone pushes over a supposedly valuable art when she's like 6 feet away from it and she's supposed to be all scared and freaked out but instead just looks around like WTF and at this point I'd rather watch commercials. Following this interlude which I desperately hope gets some producer fired, it's back to the Bach House where Sean pulls a couple of fake steaks out of the oven and they sit outside to ignore the fake food and drink.

[DIGRESSION: Speaking of fake food, if you're interested in an ear pick made to look like 2 cuts of yellowtail sashimi, I've got a source for you.]

Des says her parents are "the cutest people" she's ever met! Hopefully they're dwarves who like to dress up as gnomes. Or maybe they're meerkats! Sean and Des agree that it's easy for them to talk, which makes sense because they communicate at about a 5th grade level. After some piercing conversation about their Favorite Colors and Where Everything Goes When You Close Your Eyes, it's time to perch by the hot tub, which is making SUCKING GRINDING NOISES and I hope Sarah's other arm isn't caught in there. She gets a rose and yes, Internet, we know she looks like Katie Holmes.

On to the Cocktail Party,. Lindsay apologizes for getting so drunk the other night. GIRL, I'M NO STRANGER TO THAT FIGHT. Oh guess what? You're never going to guess. She wants to marry her best friend! She must be on the wrong show. Meanwhile, AMANDA IS NOT HAPPY AND WHEN AMANDA IS NOT HAPPY AIN'T NO BITCH GONNA BE HAPPY.

I think she's unhappy because the producers have given her some kind of yellow dress with fake flower shoulder pads to wear. Oh, and because she apparently forgot to bring a fucking comb. Meanwhile, Robyn wants to know if S. is down with dating black chicks and he's apparently a Model U.N. because he's been out with Hispanics, Persians, you name it. Across the room, Akkikiktok smiles gently, caressing her harpoon.

About Me

TK lives and works in San Francisco. He occasionally travels to places east of the Caldecott Tunnel, but not very often. His interests include bars, reality TV, and irony. Things seem to be going fine.