meritocracy 2.0

To Which Television Job Is This Latest Vapid Political Daughter Entitled?

Abby Huntsman is the 26-year-old daughter of Utah owner and 94th-place finisher in the 2012 Republican primaries, Jon Huntsman. She made a couple of wacky YouTubes with her two sisters (“hehe, look at how funny we are, we’re so crazy, aren’t we precious?”) before her father lost, in shame. And now, what’s this, she wants to parlay this experience into a job at a major media network, as is her birthright? Well hell, let’s crown her as owner of Viacom and editor of the New York Motherfucking Times and bow our heads in prayer.

Meghan McCain, remember Meghan McCain? We were so mean to her. But now she’s the elder of these wealthy daughters who instantly get jobs once their parents lose elections. We respect Meghan. She figured out the idea and took plenty of nastiness and she survived. (Wait, did she? We’re not sure.) Go Meghan!

But. What. Is. This. Shit?

Huntsman — who married Jeff Livingston in the National Cathedral in August 2010 — says she’s still trying to figure out which cable news network she’ll eventually settle down with. She’s spent several mornings on CNN, made some appearances on MSNBC and is in talks with a few others she’s not naming.

“I’m in the process of finding the right family,” she says of landing somewhere permanently.

Beyond her media gigs, Huntsman acts as her dad’s spokeswoman, a role she also played with his failed presidential campaign during which she often booked television gigs. Her father once yearned to be a foreign correspondent for a news agency, she says, noting that’s where she caught the journalism bug.

How nice that she gets a choice, the national television channel of her choice. Oh, but there are so many different networks out there to choose from. Daddy, tell me where to work. Daddy, pick me a network. I want the television anchor pony now, Daddy.

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

It's fucking rough out here on the West Coast. I start work at 9am, end at 5:30 – 6pm, and currently have no Internet service at home. I lose an hour or two of every workday trying to get through the 87 stories I missed between 6p and 9a. Rebecca's trying to get me fired, I'm sure of it.

I read somewhere that Lou Gehrig maybe didn't die from Lou Gehrig's disease after all. Turns out that the multiple concussion syndrome that is disabling so many football players today has similar symptons to Lou Gehrig's disease, but different chemical indications along the spinal cord and in the brain. Gehrig was cremated, so they can't go back and check him out, but he did have at least five concussions in his career, including one which left him lying unconscious at the plate for five minutes, and we all know the part about him never taking days off.

glasspusher

Back in the days when they didn't have batting helmets. He also played football at Columbia.

EatsBabyDingos

Reminds me of that old Bob Seeger song "Against Her Chin." With the line "against her chin…they were banging against her chin."

That's going to be stuck in my head all day long now. Thanks a lot you fucks.

George Spelvin

Hey, there are worse Seger songs.

JumpySnark

Don't you dare suggest any, please!

Barb

Now Mama's Chubby Cub is claiming that her ramblings about same sex marriage caused her to get death threats. Telling her to "eat shit and die" isn't a death threat. She's a professional victim, just like her mother.

BaldarTFlagass

"testicle balls"—isn't that one of them double awntawnder things?

prommie

Naw, "testicle balls" are kinda like a dick penis schlong.

Exhausted66

Are my balls supposed to have balls now?

Nostrildamus

It's testicles all the way down.

EatsBabyDingos

Are you Chuck Norris? If yes, yes then.

ElPinche

Nothing a titanium reinforced chin can't handle.

Guppy

If they were only at her face, she wouldn't be anywhere near as famous.

coolhandnuke

I'd venture your use of "testicle balls" as a redundancy. But, in the case of Bristol, testicle balls, nuts, seeds, gonads, pebbles, nards, et al… are a redundancy she is destined to see on a daily redundant basis.

Barb

I just wanted to say "testicle balls" Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

my dad always wanted to fuck Vivian Leigh. i guess this means i can dust off the shovel.

Quayle2012_KNOT

Get Grace Kelly while you're at it.

ttommyunger

Your dad wasn't the only one.

V572 Is this him?

Wow, two pet peeves in one post. Ordinarily I wouldn't use this august forum to air my personal beefs (ha ha, what else it is for?) but, c'mon:

(1) The so-called National Cathedral is about as "national" as "National Termite Control Service." They just stone started calling themselves that to try and pretend we have an established religion when in fact, we don't.

(2) "Media" is the plural of "medium," you dumb rich girl.

Oh, and this:

(3) The "House, MD" finale last night kinda sucked.

FNMA

Oh, please, faking the death of a title character is a perfectly cromulent plot device.

Fare la Volpe

I Ctrl+F'd through her huffpo piece, and she actually never misused the singular when discussing "media." To her credit, daddy's trust fund buys good editors.

So all I need to succeed is wealth and tangential fame or notoriety? Why the fuck did my parents push me to study and work hard? Man, my parents sucked.

FNMA

My parents sucked mostly by not being rich.

Antispandex

Finding the right family? She didn't do so well with her first one…I'll bet she is speaking metaphorically. Well, in that case, I'd say Fox is her best bet, going soley on the fact that they hire Palins.

"Abby Huntsman, the world's leading broadcast and print journalist, also holds the world's record for receiving the most abortions. She believes the rest of the Media has ADD, but she doesn't really know what that means or stands for. She has brown hair. Her father is some guy named Jon.

She married into the prestigious Livingston family but didn't change her last name, because why bother?

How about a "The View"-style talk show with just modestly telegenic daughters of failed presidential candidates and actual presidents? We could have Kerry's daughter (Alexandra?) Abby and her litter-mates, Amy Carter, Chelsea Clinton, the Bush girls, Tricia Nixon…man, it would be awesome!

not that Radio

Mika would not abide Amy Carter being on someone else's vapid talk show.

V572 Is this him?

Mika’s so cute when she gets miffed at Joe. It’s almost like she has some integrity.

not that Radio

Almost.

Oblios_Cap

Man! The Mormons are gonna become richer than the Armenians any day now.

ThankYouJeebus

That's nothing. I hear the Romney boys are going to replace all those sister-wives on The View.

OneYieldRegular

Cable news sound like exactly the place for someone like this to be well out of the way of anything important going on.

Did you read her HuffPo piece? I'd like to ask DoktorZ's opinion (he who grades the essays ad nauseum), 'cause hers reads like a typical half-baked concoction. Young writers who've mastered the grammar, and can string sentences together, inherit this generation's exposure to hundreds of online 'voices' — as even Ms. Huntsman points out — yet part of developing your own voice in your writing involves *engaging* the reader — which I should add, I've no idea how that's taught**, but for certain, this sample of her work does not engage at all.

**If only "Catcher in the Rye" were still required reading to finish high school — that would be a good introduction at the very least.

FNMA

As a person who makes a living by stringing words together — I know, it shocks the shit out of me too — I can say that developing your voice as a writer is something that happens over a long period of time, by writing a lot and working with editors who have zero tolerance for bullshit.
I don't think the Huffington Post is the place to develop it.

I don't know if you teach to supplement your trade? I never could; I learned writing through the one thing you mentioned, practice, and learning to take constructive criticism. Some of the best advice that I still strongly feel should be imparted to ongoing & upcoming belletrists is to read your draft back to yourself aloud, if putting it down & walking away then coming back to refocus your eyes still doesn't gain a fresh perspective or lead to a few re-written phrases. Hearing it, or even better having someone listen, wakens one up to all kinds of wee flaws and opportunities for improvement one might miss during proofreading /self-editing on the fly.

FNMA

I have taught, but no longer. I taught a writing course and was astonished by how illiterate college students have become. Instead of teaching writing, I wound up teaching remedial grammar. On the one hand, it was depressing. On the other, job security for me!

Terry

"Huntsman — who married Jeff Livingston in the National Cathedral in August 2010"

Uh, oh. That means she's the wild child of the family. Doesn't look like she married a nice Mormon fellow.

Dildeaux

Fear the mormon creep.

prommie

Like termites, those Mormons, they are like termites, they burrow in. I been telling people. People out in the west, they know. You can't get rid of a Mormon infestation once its taken root, soon every cousin and uncle and nephew will be working for the same network.

pinkocommi

I would like to nominate myself for public office or a plum cable news position and my one qualification is that I am 100% positive that I am not related to any of the many assholes who have served as or run for President.

BlueStateLibel

I know the Constitution forbids it, but maybe we should go back to titles of Nobility. The federal government could just sell them to the spoiled rich who have more money than brains, because all they're really looking for anyway is yet another ego-boost. I wouldn't mind saying "Lady ___" with a sneer myself, and some deserving people actually might get jobs. Plus, when the inevitable revolution comes, it would make it a lot easier identifying them.

el_donaldo

I know I keep saying how much I miss Huntsman's daughters, but I was being facetious, Abby, facetious.

BUT the following may actually apply here, non-ironically even: Tits or GTFO, sister.

I was going to say: Abby can go to MSNBC, make a baby with Luke Russert, then have Allison Williams nanny for her. Maybe even write that last bit into Girls.

ElPinche

I just hope they don't show Abby trying finger Luke's ass, or anything.

Lionel[redacted]Esq

I'm sure she will bring whatever channel she ends up on as much success as she brought her Daddies campaign.

Still, I can't really judge until I see her tits.

Wile E. Quixote

I think that Patti Davis Reagan needs her own cable news show. And I think that before any more presidential daughters get on the news they should be required to emulate Reagan and do a nude spread.

freakishlywrong

Holy shit. In the spirit of Mumblety's post above I googled "glasses wonkette". We are really fucking insane.

prommie

Is that the fucking official Huntsman tartan, for crying out loud? Whats with Hunstmans and plaid?

Wile E. Quixote

I saw this story and one of the first ideas that leapt to mind was a TV show like The View with Megs McCain, Bristol Palin, The Bush Twins and Abby Huntsman. Except they'd all be naked and wrestling in Frymax while they discussed the topics of the day. I figure that the best time for it to air would be on Sunday mornings opposite "Press the Meat", just because I want to bust David Gregory's balls. Does anyone have any contacts at Fox or MSNBC that I could pitch this to?

barto

Based on her "contribution" to the Huffpo (Huffington Post), I would say the advent of "anchor" in this particular setting suits her "best", being that it is paid the "least" and she "doesn't need it", and "more" "importantly", I'll never have to "read" any of her (mindlessly vapid and poorly edited) "stuff".

Exhausted66

I think that mouse brown hair already picked the NOT FOX family for you. sweetie.

Wile E. Quixote

So I look at Mittens and I see that he has all of these handsome sons, and then I look at Huntsman and see that he has all of these hot daughters and the first thing that leaps to mind, I'm telling you, it just leaps there from God knows where, is "Brady Bunch remake".

Here's the elevator pitch:
Mittens plays a wealthy Bain executive with three strapping sons who gay marries Huntsman with his three hot daughters (we'll retcon the other kids out of the picture, it's been done before, Ronald Reagan did it with his adopted son, Michael) and hilarious hijinks ensue. They can have a witty and acerbic housekeeper who never actually does any housekeeping (I'm thinking Michelle Bachmann for this role) but who's always there to dispense some needed wisdom or as a shoulder to cry on.

We'll need to get Mittens to loosen up a bit, I think the hairstyle is the key, Mitt's a tall white guy, and that says "patriarch" but he needs to have a fun side too, so we'll have him get a 70s white guy Afro. Lindsey Graham can have a guest spot as the owner of the local ham biscuit restaurant where Tagg gets his first job. Oh, and just like the original Brady Bunch you'll hardly ever see anyone on the show who isn't white.

well Meg McCain only got the job after she showed off her enormous hooters; so that should be the minimal standards….

DahBoner

Is plaid coming back in style or is she just a lesbian????

rocktonsam

Ms. Kelly should mentor to the young Miss Huntsman.

First you bring them coffee.

Second you make yourself available for blow jobs

Then you get a show on FOX News.

Quayle2012_KNOT

Dead Abby Hoffman would be more informative, and certainly more entertaining.

WIDTAP

Jim, Jim. Just because your daddy wouldn't buy you a network show pony is no reason to make fun of the little girls whose daddies buy them one.

GregComlish

The National Cathedral is a Catholic institution, not a Mormon Temple. Abby's marriage is thus a sham and her so-called conjugal duties are but fornication upon a false marital bed before a forsaken God. A true Elder of Moroni would never kneel in worship at an alter of this Papist cult.

What was it that led Abby astray? What was it that led a once pure virgin girl into a hellbound path of destruction? Like most lost women, her road began not at Papistry, but at at pridefulness in the face of God. It began with that common perversion of women's mind that goes by the name "feminism". That is why she seeks the limelight of television. Not to glorify God, but to glorify herself. To sashay her uncovered hair and insufficiently buttoned shirts before the world to ignite the impure passions of innocent men. A woman like this is not a blessing for a father, but a burden. Reward her not with attention, but fasten her as livestock before the cart until she is relieved of her sinful deviation.

Negropolis

We're talking about the same National Cathedral, right? 'Cause the one in Washington is Episcopalian.

GregComlish

Yeah, I guess I was thinking of the Basilica. Oh well, neither are Mormon and thus Abby is still a harlot.