healing yourself at nautilus teachings

there is nothing
like sitting poolside
in the sun,
boys at my feet
typing on my lap top
when the weather is
crisp, cool and sunny…

i needed today,
how about you?
have a chance to grab
a few minutes
of sun gazing
to warm up your soul?
i hope so.

early evening
yesterday
my phone rang.
i could see
it was someone
i loved
and wanted to talk to.
after a long conversation
filled with excitement
tears, laughter,
listening
we hung up
i jumped in the shower
to unwind
my mind began to wander…

we always know
one day
we may have to
come face to face
with that person(s)
who took away
our self worth
our identity…
THE person(s)
who made you feel
so small
and filthy
you could hardly breath
the one
who was supposed
to love you
and really
only loved
themselves
and their addictions…

when this is brought to the surface
again,
even though
you came to terms with this
forgave them
have healed,
fallen in love
get to live
a very blessed life
and are filled with gratitude,
your head still
feels like its about
to crack in two
you remember
their rage ,
stench
and hatred…
feel the ugly, loud,
bulleted words
once more banging at you
making you hide
in corners
become silent
rub your wrists
that are now healed
because you can still
feel the sting of
their twisting you
over and over
rub your inner thigh
remembering the pain
of every bruise given you
by the twisting of your skin…

this is what bad memories do.

you begin making a list
~get to gun range
~take another self defense class
~double up on yoga, meditation
~find a church family and get involved
~work more to keep your mind off of them
~run
then run some more
~stay mentally and physically healthy
~love yourself
~let it go
~remember, you are enough
~stop over thinking
~write it out
~paint it out
~just give it all to God

there are just
certain things in life
we cannot control
anticipate
or preplan for
and the likelihood
that it may ever happen
is probably slimmer
that we believe it to be…
but still
in the quiet hours
in the stillness
as the waterfall shuts off in the pool
and you hear
the drip
drip
drip
of water
ceasing
you just
remember
this
is
how
it
felt…

those long lonely years
held captive
within your own skin
wearing different masks
to cover up
your pain,
the trying to live
the perfect life
on the outside
and in photographs
hoping this would convince you
life really was not as bad
as it seemed
that you were the family
everyone wanted to be
until the night fell
the house quieted
and you waited
for this person(s)
demands
rules
attack of words
the tieing up of you
to that damn bedpost
the tears
snot
and blood
the sleeping
so tied up in knots
you woke
groggy,
aching
longing
to just
sail away…

healing is a forever gift
we give ourselves.
we will re-live
good and bad memories.
it’s knowing what to do with them
that matters.
this is learned
practiced
repeated
every time
they surface.
it is the gift
you give yourself,
of forgiveness…
the letting go
of nasty
harmful
barnacles
that have held you back
kept you from surfacing
and suffocating you…

it’s allowing those
warm sun shine rays
to mend you inside
it’s riding that big wave
to shore with grace
it’s shutting off the noise
and hearing wind blow
the seagulls chirp
the dolphin jump

we always
have a choice
to let it continue
to harm us
or to turn
face towards the storm
and walk
hand in hand with our faith
through it
knowing
this person(s)
can no longer harm us
unless we allow it
to happen…

don’t be the broken
person you were
so long ago.

she is dead

be the woman
who is strong
inside and out
have courage
hold your head up high
and let all the sewage
of your past
drift on by
as you are buoyed
by your faith
secure in the fact