What are the hottest new cars for millennials?

Frustrated by millennials’ lack of interest in buying cars, automakers plan to roll out a slew of new models aimed at appealing to today’s youth. These fresh four-wheeled offerings will arrive in showrooms later this year, and they’re certain to have the under-35 crowd flocking to dealerships from coast to coast.

Buick Irony

It’s a sedan, a plain old four-door sedan, which is what will make it so endearing to irony-loving millennials in the Normcore niche.

Chevrolet Blazer

Chevy’s iconic SUV is back, only now it sports a houndstooth tweed exterior with suede patches on all four doors. “It’s vintage, not hipster,” emphasizes Dylan Rhodes, Chevy’s 26-year-old integrated marketing manager.

Chrysler Simplicity

A joint effort between Chrysler engineers and a team of renowned psychiatrists, the Simplicity offers hope to the many thousands of millennials who suffer from ADHD. How? By dramatically limiting the distractions facing drivers, thus providing behavioral therapy of sorts. The car’s center dash is a blank expanse of plastic. You won’t, for example, find an audio system, climate controls, or even a clock in the Simplicity. You will, however, enjoy a therapeutic escape from the sensorial assault caused by always-on connectedness.

Dodge Goth

Featuring a raven-hued exterior, black leather seats, almost opaque tinted glass, and a headlight-and-grill visage that suggests a most contemptuous sneer, this new Dodge model will bring reluctant joy to even the gloomiest of millennial goths.

Fiat Fedora

If a jaunty fedora can work for Harry Styles, it can work for your car — especially if it’s a chic Italian convertible coupe. The top on this Fiat model is, in fact, a fedora, meticulously crafted in Milan using only the finest rabbit fur (farm-raised and antibiotic- and hormone-free).

Honda Iliad

They grew up being carted around by their parents in minivans. But now that they’re starting families of their own, millennials want even more. Enter the Honda Iliad, the world’s first MAXIVAN®! Powered by a V12 engine that launches this plus-size people and cargo hauler from zero to 60 in four seconds, and equipped with lightning-fast onboard Wi-Fi and a stereo system supercharged by a 1,200-watt dual subwoofer, the Iliad is all about maximum power, maximum speed, maximum fun.

Kia Abode

Targeted specifically at millennials working in high-rent areas such as Silicon Valley, the box-shaped Abode serves as home sweet home for those who want to avoid needing multiple roommates just to make ends meet. The Abode boasts 50 square feet of living space and includes all the essential creature comforts, including a futon, dropdown high-definition TV, and kitchen/bathroom with a sink/shower and compost toilet. Wondering where you’d park your home on wheels? No worries — Kia offers Abode owners free 24/7 parking with water and electric connections at all of its dealerships in North America.

Mazda Mustachio

Millennial men have an affinity for facial hair and fast cars. With the Mustachio, Mazda melds these two seemingly disparate interests. The zippy two-seater features a steering wheel shaped like a handlebar mustache, all the better for making hairpin turns while speeding along a meandering byway. Safety does not take a backseat in the Mustachio, partly because the car has no backseat but mainly because the car comes equipped with hairbags, a safety innovation that holds the potential to offer even greater protection than airbags. In the event of an accident, the hairbags instantly deploy, enveloping the car’s occupants in luxuriant, bushy beards.

Mini Fixie

Sure to be a hit among hepcat millennials from Portland to Williamsburg and every gentrified neighborhood in between, the Fixie is distinguished by its single-speed transmission. The downside to a fixed-gear setup is that at 30 mph, you’re revving at a cacophonous and potentially combustible 9,000 rpm. (A handheld fire extinguisher comes standard). The significant upside to the Fixie is its lightness and maneuverability, giving rise to a pure driving experience in which driver and automobile are one.

Nissan Hu’d

Millennials are all about hooking up. Recognizing this fact, Nissan is launching the Hu’d, a sport wagon that will be alluring to everyone immersed in today’s hookup culture. The Tinder app is integrated into the car’s navigation system. You simply swipe right to select an object of short-term affection, and the Hu’d then voices block-by-block directions to your evening’s conquest. Looking to hook up as quickly and efficiently as possible? You’re in luck! The Hu’d features a Tempur-Pedic bench seat up front that can be easily folded back to create a queen-size bed.

Scion Vape

The climate system in this subcompact hatchback comes with three settings: Heat, A/C, and — you guessed it — Vape. Select the latter and within seconds you’re breathing in a swirling, fruity blend of vaporized nicotine.

Subaru Boomerang

The Boomerang comes equipped with Subaru’s revolutionary ParentLink technology. When the ParentLink button is pressed, the car’s self-driving functionality takes over and immediately transports the driver back to his or her parents’ home.

Toyota Affirmation

“Great U-turn!” “You’re the best parallel parker ever!” “Don’t worry about T-boning that station wagon — you’ll do better next time.” These are but a few examples of the positive feedback millennials will receive from Kini, the voice-activated personal assistant that comes standard on the all-new Toyota Affirmation. As an added bonus, the Affirmation’s transmission shifter is shaped like a trophy, serving as a constant reminder that the driver is indeed a winner.