Book advises the headhunter approach to dating

October 17, 2004|By Brenda Moore, Knight Ridder Newspapers.

MONTEREY, Calif. — After her five-year marriage ended, Liz Kelly found herself in a new and different dating world, where people hooked up in online chat rooms, had five-minute "speed dates" and turned to Internet matchmakers to find Mr. or Ms. Right.

Rather than sit home on a Saturday night, Kelly decided to dive in. And she took her notebook with her, turning her experiences and those of people she has interviewed into a how-to book called "Smart Man Hunting."

The title might be a turnoff for some, she acknowledged, evoking the stereotype of a desperate woman trying to bag a man for matrimony. But Kelly said she is trying to draw parallels between a man hunt and a job hunt, encouraging people to put the same thought, skill and effort into the search for a life partner that they do for life's work.

"It's not aggressive or desperate," Kelly said. "It's simply getting out there and putting yourself in a position to succeed."

Kelly's experiences added up to a 244-page book, but the pressing question is: Did her findings work for her?

Yes, she said in an interview from her Southern California home. Kelly, 40, met someone through an online matchmaker, and they've been dating for more than a year. She also is trying to turn her dating research and experience into a full-time career. Kelly's day job is in software, but she also is doing dating coaching, writing and speaking.

Her book has a lot of buzz words and acronyms--like "man codes," which put men into categories such as BA, for "bachelor available," or WD, for "wounded divorce." But it boils down to a basic approach: Cast a wide net to meet as many potential candidates as possible, then quickly and methodically pare the list down so you don't waste your time or his.

To do that, you need to know what you're looking for and how to sort out whether your prospects have it. Kelly offers suggestions for going through the process, like working to define your best attributes as well as the key criteria you seek in a mate. She cautions against making the lists too long.

"Keep your key criteria in mind during all initial contacts [and] be prepared to eliminate anyone who doesn't fit the list," she writes. "Once you mine for gold in the crowd, your chances of finding Mr. Right will rise significantly."

Although her book is written for women, with its "man hunting" talk, the approaches also can be used by men, she said. In fact, most of her clients are men.

To broaden the pool of candidates, she advocates using the latest means of meeting people, including the Internet and matchmaking services such as speed dating, where a group of men and women gather and have a succession of five-minute "dates" to meet new people.

Some Internet sites cater to specific groups, such as Ivy League college graduates. Some have different approaches, such as relying heavily on personality tests to help find potential matches. In any case, Kelly stressed keeping safety in mind, including considering background checks on prospects.

Since her book came out last year, Kelly has heard about a few new methods for meeting people, like "silent dating," where people meet in a group setting like speed dating but don't talk. Instead, they exchange notes. Kelly said it's something she would try--if she were in the market.