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Do you need to parent less?

When your kid complains that doing up their buttons is too hard so you step in to help speed matters up ... When they're 'too tired' to clear their plate away from the dinner table so you do it instead ... When you have a whispered word with a kid who has reportedly pushed in front of your little darling on the play equipment, instead of letting them just get on with it ... you, my friend, are guilty of over-parenting.

We've all done it at one time or another and we're all quick enough to spot it - and criticise it - in a fellow parent because we all know that it's a no-no for building our kids' life skills. After all, when your little boy becomes a hulking great adult and someone queue jumps down the pub, mummykins isn't going to be on hand to step in. Well, at least you'd hope ...

While there are few, if any, parenting gurus who have publicly come out and given so-called helicopter parenting the thumbs up, culturally speaking this uber kid-centred style of child-rearing has become more of the norm, as we aim to raise gifted and talented kids who are destined for certain success.

Many experts agree that this type of “lawnmower” parenting – another over-parenting term used to describe mums and dads who mow down all obstacles – stems from good intentions. We love our kids, want the best for them and are prepared to put in all the effort and time we can to help them reach their potential.

However, it seems we could be doing them more harm than good, and by being so totally involved in their lives we are raising kids who are less resilient or able to fend for themselves. In short, over-involved parents are not arming their kids with the necessary life skills they will need as adults.

That’s the research-based beliefs of many parenting experts and academics, including psychologist Dr Madeline Levine, author of Teach Your Children Well and the woman who’s been linked with this new buzz term in child-rearing, “under-parenting”.

“The happiest, most successful children have parents who do not do for them what they are capable of doing, or almost capable of doing; and their parents do not do things for them that satisfy their own needs rather than the needs of the child,” she wrote in an opinion piece in the New York Times.

She does, however, concede that it’s hard in today’s parenting climate for mums and dads to step back and stop over-parenting but urges us to remember that kids thrive best in an environment that is “reliable, available, consistent and non-interfering”.

“The child’s job is to grow, yours is to control your anxiety so it doesn’t get in the way of his reasonable moves toward autonomy,” she adds.

Under-parenting 101

Dr Levine has become very popular on the interview and speaker circuit as parents try to come to grips with the concept that being less involved helps their children more. Here are some of her practical tips.

Let kids do what they can do and what they almost can do: Doing things independently is motivating and builds confidence. If we don’t allow kids to fail, then they also don’t really learn to succeed either.

Avoid over-scheduling your kids and build in more “PDF” (play time, down time and family time): Without free time they lose the critical developmental work that happens in the quiet spaces between activities such as relationship skills, coping skills and creativity.

Give the gift of failure: Most parents intervene too quickly, too often and in an inappropriate way. Let children “fall” occasionally and, eventually, they’ll develop the competence and the confidence they need to cope with life's demands.

Allow them to be imperfect: Don’t expect your kids to do everything well – or structure in lessons and tutoring to make them perfect. “Life is full of mistakes, imperfect days, human failings. By keeping kids from learning a healthy sense of perspective, we set them up for certain unhappiness in the future,” Dr Levine says.

Chores are part of life: Letting kids get out of chores so they can practice instruments or do reading homework doesn’t teach them that everyone has to pull their weight in life, or that responsibilities don’t go away just because something else pops up.

Don’t aim for academic brilliance: “Most children aren't likely to be neurosurgeons or rocket scientists. Every child has ‘superpowers’ of his or her own, and we need to learn how to appreciate, respect and nurture those unique talents and abilities. We need to love the child in front of us, and not try to shape him into being the child our culture tells us he should be.”

Parents have their own lives too: When everything is centred on your child, you’re likely to perpetuate an unattractive sense of entitlement and self-centeredness, she says. “So get a life! Get a hobby. Find a friend. Having interests of your own not only allows you to be less reliant on your children’s triumphs to feel good about yourself, it paints a more appealing picture of adulthood.”