Someone Brought A Watermelon, Nobody Panic

Oh shit oh shit oh shi—

August 18, 2017

● 2 min read

Picture this:

You’re at a summertime potluck, ice-cold beer in hand, burgers and hot dogs on the grill, the smell of citronella in the air. The music is just right, there's a cool breeze, and your crush just showed up. Then your second cousin shows up with a whole watermelon and just leaves it there on the table, taking up valuable real estate. You nervously wobble it onto the tiny cutting board you were using to cut limes, and using a bread knife, try to cut it open. The watermelon rolls, and as the serrated blade sinks into your fingers, the watermelon knocks over the Weber grill, sending hot ashes everywhere. The coals quickly set your discount decorative siding on fire, as your crush slips on a hot dog and breaks their femur. Your house is now in flames, your crush is in tears, and forever disgraced, you vow to never have a cookout ever again.

Unless you follow this handy guide on the only way you should ever cut a watermelon.

STEP ONE: GATHER A SHARP KNIFE THAT'S NOT A BREAD KNIFE, AND A BIG ASS CUTTING BOARD. (Also, get a few medium-sized bowls—one for the cut up fruit, one for rinds.)

A watermelon is oval shaped; if you were to stand it up on end, it would look like the Twitter avatar of your racist uncle! What you're going to do is cut off about an inch or two of the top and bottom. This is so it won't roll around when you cut it, causing your house to inevitably burn down (see above). Starting where the flesh meets the rind (where the shitty white part meets the colorful delicious part) cut down, following the curve of the melon. You’re gonna mangle it. It happens. But practice makes perfect.

Once you have a big chunk of rind off, repeat, repeat, repeat, going around the melon, cutting top to bottom, until all of the green rind is gone. Now, go back, and delicately cut off any white that's left. Cut the melon in half lengthwise, then cut those halves in half widthwise, and keep going until you have nice lil' cubes that will fit on the end of a fork. Civilized.

DON'T BE A JERK AND CUT THE MELON INTO HALF-MOON WEDGES. Yes, this is this picturesque summery thing to do, but it literally takes up your entire plate and gets watermelon juice all over your face. Cut the cubes. Trust me. If you manage to get the rinds off in decently solid pieces, you can trim the shitty white part and pickle it. It makes for weirdly delicious, crunchy, almost cucumber-esque pickles that pair nicely with rich, fatty summer foods. Try this recipe.There is, of course, more than one way to skin a cat (is there? seems like there's probably only one way to do that..). You could always just throw the watermelon at your idiot second cousin, or drill a hole in it and waste an entire bottle of booze trying to make some booze-laden fruit thing you saw on TV once, or you can hit it with a giant novelty hammer, or use the rubber band trick and eat the macerated carcass with your sticky paws.

The choice is yours.

THIS ARTICLE IS PART OF OUR MISSION TO ENJOY THE LAST 50 DAYS OF SUMMER LIKE IT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS. SEE THEM ALL, HERE!