A Blog About Solving Common Relationship Dilemmas

Throughout our many years of counseling couples who are in the beginning stages of recovering from an affair, we have heard the question “How long do we have to talk about this?” many times.

Affairs are so hard on couples to work through, but not impossible. One research study reported that 70% of couples who experience an affair are able to work through the effects successfully.

There is a common theme among those who were unfaithful … “let’s move on” and for their partners it is “we have a lot to talk about.” So … the question for the therapist is often “how long DO we have to talk about the affair”?

The answer, of course, is different for each situation and couple but generally there are some guidelines:

For effective affair recovery: Talk about it whenever the hurt partner needs to … for the first few days.

After that, find ways to limit the conversation to much smaller amounts of time in order to allow the relationship to heal and recover.

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Not all affairs happen in bad marriages and affairs usually cause a good marriage to go bad.

Affairs happen for a myriad of reasons. Technology today makes it way too easy to fall into something before you even realize it has happened. (One recent research study noted that facebook was mentioned in about 1/3 of divorce cases.)

More and more people are getting reconnected to sweethearts from their past and renewing old acquaintances, reliving old memories and sharing stories which can lead to feelings that seem to be, or actually are, feelings of love.

Partners can take each other for granted and forget to nurture the relationship. It is also very easy, with busy lives, to avoid working through conflicts and disagreements which lead to stored-up anger, hurt and resentment.

Whether a bad marriage opened a door for an affair or facebook or a reunion or just “being in the same place at the same time” led someone in a good marriage to have an affair, marriages and the people who are in them, are in need of a great deal of healing.

Affairs Can Open Doors For Healing

An affair is not a gift that anyone would ask for … but such a strong and painful wake-up call that often causes couples to recognize the state of their marriage and determine and define what they want and need to have a healthy, viable and faithful relationship.

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“If he had just paid attention to me, I would not have had to find it somewhere else. He spends more time on the golf course than he does at home.”

“My wife’s nagging is the main reason I became unhappy and started my affair.”

Do affairs cause bad marriages … or do bad marriages cause affairs?

All affairs can cause bad marriages but not all bad marriages cause affairs. In fact, an affair may even happen in a good marriage. Having an affair, cheating on your spouse, is no way to solve problems in a marriage.

While it certainly can be true that problems in a marriage can lead to loneliness, unhappiness and sadness, making a decision to have an affair is the responsibility of the person who makes the choice to cheat.

There are many reasons why people have affairs.

There are many reasons why people have affairs. Some reasons do have to do with the relationship while others are more about the person who is having the affair.

When couples have difficulty resolving conflict or problems between them, have a fear of intimacy or do not nurture and tend to the relationship, then feelings of loneliness and isolation grow and the ground becomes fertile for friendships to bleed over into more than a friendship with someone that you see frequently like a colleague, neighbor or friend.

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Couples who experience an affair in their marriage often feel as if their very foundation was destroyed. The revelation of an affair is a traumatic event and healing takes a long time.

Can you really “affair-proof” your marriage? Yes, and I want to share some tips for how you and your partner can do that together.

I have seen many couples in my practice and, while most of these couples do have difficulties, many find ways to work through their problems while also remaining faithful. Here are some of the ways that they make it happen.

1. Start with the attitude of being certain that you will not stray.

Begin with the belief that you will guard against any relationship with another person that could lead to an affair, either an emotional one or a sexual affair.

Recognize that there are many people who are attractive and might be quite attractive to or attracted by you. That’s human nature.

In order to affair-proof your marriage, shake hands with this idea but also make sure that the door is not open to exploring or taking it any further than noticing it … because you KNOW that you will not follow up on any inappropriate relationship outside of your marriage.

2. Establish clear boundaries with your partner. Avoid Temptation.

Limit your contact with people of the opposite sex or, if you are attracted to those of the same sex, be careful.

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Peggy Vaughn, a leading author (“The Monogomy Myth) and speaker about affairs, has just released a free e-book based on her research with over 1,000 couples impacted by an affair.

Some of her findings were:

The deception is often harder to recover from than the sexual act.

76% of couples who experience affairs remain together.

It is essential to answer questions about the details of the affair or affairs in order to rebuild trust.

For the majority of the time, when an affair is discovered, it is not the first affair. This is sort of like a speeding ticket. You rarely receive one the first time that you exceed the speed limit.

Affairs have a lasting impact on the betrayed partner and, even after getting to the point of forgiveness, there are lasting scars.

It is quite rare for the person having the affair to divorce a spouse and marry an affair partner.

Many couples experiencing an affair saw more than one therapist. The best results were achieved when the therapist dealt directly with the affair and helped the couple to openly talk about the affair rather than putting it in the past.

Want to read this e-book? It is geared toward therapists but has stories and comments from several couples who experienced an affair or affairs in their marriage. Click here to download this free e-book.

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Can there be forgiveness after an affair? Are spouses or betrayed partners really able to let go of resentment, anger and fear of more betrayals?

The simple answer is “yes” although the process to get there is not an easy one. Forgiveness is tough. Most wonder how they can be expected to forgive one of the most painful experiences of their lives.

True forgiveness, however, brings about an inner peace in your heart and in your mind. It allows you to be different than the events in your life. You no longer define yourself by your injuries.

Forgiveness should not come quickly and best comes with dialogue and work with and by both partners.

Even if the person who has had the affair is not willing to work; however, and the marriage may not be saved, it is still an important step toward health for the one who was betrayed to find a way to forgive.

Let’s talk for a minute about the idea of forgiveness, what it is … and what it isn’t.
Forgiveness isn’t:

Forgetting. The affair (or affairs) happened and affected your life. Shake hands with that experience but develop a richer and fuller story about yourself, about who you are and what your life is about. You might be a betrayed spouse but that is not all that defines you as a person. Remember the much bigger story about you.

We decided to develop this website because we have so many couples that we meet who have been impacted by an affair. Healing is never easy but, if couples move through it with thoughtfulness and respect for each other, most marriages do recover and can even grow stronger.

Yes, there are many painful thoughts and feelings that this engenders in couples … certainly for the one betrayed but also for the one who betrayed. We hope that this can become an opportunity for learning and sharing issues, concerns and even successes.

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About Us

We are two marriage and family therapists, married to each other and living in Louisville, Kentucky. We provide online as well as in person counseling for personal and relationship problems. Contact us and let us help you with your situation at CouplesCounselingofLouisville.com and Counseling Relationships Online.com.