The Texans would be smart to trade down here and then embark on a vicious smear campaign against Reggie Bush until he drops down to the 7th or 8th spot where they can grab him at a discount. That’s the kind of thing that shows the fans that you're committed to winning.

2

QB

Matt Leinart

USC

SR

With the 2nd pick in the draft and Matt Leinart available, it might be time for the Saints to part ways with Drew Brees. I hear San Diego may be looking for a backup quarterback.

3

QB

Jay Cutler

Vanderbilt

SR

Jay Cutler is the consensus choice here. Not only did he have a losing record in college, he can bench press a lot.

4

RB

LenDale White

USC

JR

The Jets have signed Chad Pennington and now they must improve their running game. Lendale White may be available here. He really runs downhill, unlike Curtis Martin, who runs uphill with a piano strapped to his back.

5

OT

D'Brickashaw Ferguson

Virginia

SR

The Packers have a few options here. They can go after Haloti Ngata, the defensive tackle from Oregon, or D’Brickashaw Ferguson, the highly touted offensive lineman. They might want to look into getting somebody with a halfway normal name, though. Those guys sound like they just stepped off a spaceship. D’Brickashaw? Wtf?

6

QB

Vince Young

Texas

JR

Since this is a mock draft, I have the niners taking Vince Young here. Enjoy this, 49ers fans, because once the season starts its back to reality with Mr. Tiny Hands.

7

QB

Jay Cutler

Vanderbilt

SR

They should take Jay Cutler here. I don’t care if he’s already been taken. He’s that good.

8

OT

Winston Justice

USC

JR

The Bills are looking for a lineman here to protect JP Losman, because through some convoluted reasoning they’ve decided it's better to keep him healthy than let him suffer a career ending injury. Whatever. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

9

S

Michael Huff

Texas

SR

The Lions have a lot of holes that need to be filled here. Safety Michael Huff would be the safe choice. Actually the safe choice would be packing up the team, driving it to the east coast and dumping the whole thing in the Atlantic ocean. Then again, there’s a chance someone could still find it.

10

TE

Vernon Davis

Maryland

JR

The Cardinals had a passable defense last season, if you define passable as “able to pass on them.” They’ll draft someone on offense anyway, because Denny Green doesn’t want to win. He wants to score a lot of points.

11

WR

Maurice Stovall

Notre Dame

SR

The ‘experts’ say the Rams will use this draft to shore up their defense, but consider this: the Rams are stupid.

12

QB

Travis Lulay

Montana St

SR

The Browns need some insurance at quarterback and they could do a lot worse than Montana State QB Travis Lulay. His numbers weren’t great in college, but he has toughness and intensity to burn. He’s a really cool guy, too. My friend used to go out with his sister.

13

C

Nick Mangold

Ohio State

SR

The Ravens would be wise to pick a smart, heady type of player here and try him out as head coach.

14

LB

AJ Hawk

Ohio State

SR

The Eagles should grab a linebacker, like what’s his face from Ohio State. The Hawk guy. He would be perfect for Andy Reid’s system of signing people to long term deals and then releasing them as soon as they reach all-pro status.

15

S

Tye Hill

Clemson

SR

Right now the Falcons need some safety help, and somebody like Tye Hill would fit the bill. Hill is a cornerback, but I think he can learn to walk 20 yards to his right

16

DE

Tamba Hali

Penn State

SR

Zach Thomas and Jason Taylor are still on this team, which means they’re probably re-doing their contracts every year to avoid being cut. Pussies. Get out there and make some bread. You think the Dolphins care about you?

17

LB

Ernie Sims

FSU

SR

Brad Childress or whoever they have coaching this team didn’t like the fact the Daunte Culpepper wanted to get paid for his services. Shame on him! Except now he is getting paid, on a better team with a better coach in a city that has lots of boats to party on. Hope you enjoy that second round pick, Brad Linehan!

18

OT

Troy Reddick

Auburn

SR

Is there anything more depressing than your home team selecting an offensive lineman with their first pick? Boring! They don’t even do anything. The Cowboys, unfortunately, will take a lineman here because Larry Allen is gone and they need to have an impenetrable wall around Drew Bledsoe at all times or he’s throwing it to the nosetackle.

19

WR

Santonio Holmes

Ohio St

JR

The Chargers will probably look for a wide receiver to provide a target for Philip Rivers, who is taking over at quarterback despite being unproven and inexperienced. You can see why they kept him, though. He seemed to really want that starting job. Guys like that come along once every 20 or 30 years.

20

CB

Ashton Youboty

Ohio St

JR

The Chiefs need a defender who understands the concept of wrestling the ball carrier to the ground in order to prevent touchdowns. It’s an old technique but it’s been proven effective.

21

S

Ko Simpson

S. Car

SR

The Patriots have done a good job so far of not signing any free agents or making any moves that can help the team in any way. However they’re still hoping to make a splash in the draft, where they can select their 2008 cap casualties.

22

WR

Sinorice Moss

Miami

SR

The Broncos will probably take Sinorice Moss here, which means they’ll have a receiver named Sinorice Moss and one named Ashley Lelie. And one named Rod Smith. That’s not a receiving corp. That’s a threesome in a porn movie.

23

OT

Jonathan Scott

Texas

SR

The Bucs need somebody large to protect quarterback Chris Simms here. I suggest my girlfriend. Honey, seriously: this is a gentle reminder that you need to cut down on the Cherry Garcia.

24

QB

Brodie Croyle

Alabama

SR

It would be a complete shock to everyone if the Bengals didn’t draft a quarterback here to replace Carson Palmer. I love Palmer, but you cannot sit out the first round of the playoffs against the Pittsburgh Steelers because of a sore ankle.

25

LB

Chad Greenway

Iowa

SR

After being edged 23-0 in their first playoff game last season, the Giants realized they were just one player away from winning the Super Bowl. Unfortunately that player is Joe Montana.

26

TE

Leonard Pope

Georgia

JR

Tight end was a big area of need last year for the Bears. In fact, it could be argued that they would’ve beaten the Panthers in the playoffs last year if they had an extra tight end and he was used to cover Steve Smith.

27

RB

Laurence Maroney

MN

JR

The Panthers have a lot of needs, just like all of us. It’s part of being human.

28

LB

DeMeco Ryans

Alabama

SR

Byron Leftwich learned that when you get injured in the pros, your teammates don’t carry you down the field to the line of scrimmage. They leave you there and get in a prayer circle while the paramedics carry you off the field and you give a meager thumbs up just to let your wife and kids know you're not dead. Then you spend the rest of the season watching as your team rallies behind the backup quarterback who's trying to steal your job. But hey, the money’s great.

29

LB

Mathias Kiwanuka

BC

SR

Oh what's the point of drafting anybody? The goddamn polar ice cap is melting and we’re all going to be living in Waterworld pretty soon and no draft pick is going to change any of that. Here. Here’s a defender. Now go repent.

30

DT

Rod Wright

TX

SR

Dwight Freeney is great at getting to the quarterback even on running plays when the QB doesn’t have the ball and the running back is jogging into the end zone laughing hysterically at his good fortune. They should draft a run stopper here.

31

LB

Chad Greenway

Iowa

SR

They need a linebacker. Yes I know I already used this guy but I can't be sitting here all day looking through names of linebackers.

32

WR

Chad Jackson

Florida

JR

The Steelers may be looking to replace Antwaan Randle El here, but they’ll be hard pressed to find someone as overrated. Redskins, for $11.5 million up front, you get about 2 or 3 big plays a year and a whole lot of running around in circles. Amazing that such a cost-conscious team would make such a move.