How can I respectfully ask my mom to respect my wishes?

I've been reading a lot of Alfie Kohn and other AP books and articles for the past year and I don't really mention it to my mom because she does so well with my son. Ever since my son started potty training her "good jobs" have excalated to about a thousand percent! She has no idea that I never say that to my son or how I feel about it. She doesn't know because it's really hard for me to talk to her. I don't feel like she listens to me or should I say CARES to listen to me most of the time. I feel like I can't talk to her about imortant things.....but now that I am about to get a job and she will be with my son for long periods of the day, I feel like she needs to.

Since having my son, I've become more health conscious about the food that I eat and the toys that we buy for my son. My husband and myself became vegan and got rid of ALL of my son's plastic toys and replaced them with wooden toys. My mom also got rid of them from her home but she was not thrilled about it. I kept a few toys that were plastic that my son had when he was a baby just for memory's sake. So I put them in a box in her attic. (She is letting us store a few boxes n her attic since we live in a tiny apartment). Right now my son plays with wooden toys, drinks from a cup that is PVC, pthalate, and BPA free, and only watches TV for 30 mins a day or none at all.

I said all that so you could understand what happened today. My Mom was watching my son while I was job searching. I came over to her house to pick him up. I came inside to see him in his play room and I saw three plastic things that had made their way out of the attic! One of them appauled me because it was an old sippy cup that was from Walmart. I was speechless. All that was going through my mind was "Why would she use this stuff after I spent extra money and time researching on a 'safe' sippy cup and got rid of all of his plastic toys!" Why would she undermine me like that?" Like everything, she acts like it's no big deal, so I don't say anything about it. To top it off, she is spewing good job at EVERYTHING my son does. I was going to say something but then she shot out, "Look at how it makes his eyes light up everytime I say it." and I'm just dying inside.

She said she didn't know where she put the safe sippy cup and so I checked the dishwasher and that's where it was the last time she "lost" it. My mom is notorious for always doing things the most convenient way for her. I think she pulled these other toys out so it would entertain my son with the flashing lights and music. So while she wasn't looking I crammed the plastic toys and sippy cup into my diaper bag so she wouldn't be tempted to use them again.

I'm thinking about e-mailing her because whenever I try to talk to her about something that matters to me, she seriously starts whining and makes me out to be overreacting when I'm just trying to have a conversation, not fight with her. I don't like conflict just as much as she does but I refuse to have my feelings and views be ignored.

This is really frustrating to me and I really want to handle this in the most respectful way possible. Please help!

Comments (17)

I'm sorry you came home to her doing that. Firstly I would get rid of all those plastic toys. So she won't be tempted to use them again. Over time the plastics actually become more dangerous so IMO they are just a hazard in the box. If you feel really sentimental about it take some pictures of the toys so you can have those memories recorded. As for her giving those things to you LO I'd email her some articles about the danger of plastics. You could say "Look what I found I thought it was interesting what do you think?" That way she won't feel targeted and you'll still get the information across. As for the good job thing. If you really don't want her to say it try other words like, "Wow!" with a big smile. Your LO's eyes will light up just like the good jobs. Really what he wants is attention and he needs to be acknowledged not praised for every little thing. It will be really hard for her. You could also encourage her to explain why she is happy to him. You could tell her that you want him to expand his vocabulary and just saying good job doesn't give him the opportunity to Keats new words. Those are just some ideas I hope that help.

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FTM 2011/09/20

I edit for spelling and grammar.I hug randomly from acknowledgment to agreement and everywhere in between.

I would probably try to find an alternate sitter. I've been trying to get my mom to do things the way we do them at home from the beginning. She does pretty great so far and has respected all of our wishes for our daughter. I really think you need to sit down with your mom (if another sitter is not possible) and tell her how you feel one on one and not how you feel when something happens that you disapprove of. She will probably only feel anger and try to prove that what she is doing is fine.

Now you have me freaking over the plastic toy issue though lol. We have a bunch for my daughter. I was telling DH the other day that she needs more wooden stuff.

Your baby can have a different type of relationship with your mother than with you. If Grandma wants to say good job, she isn't scarring your child for life. That is just how they will interact with each other.

And I also think grandparents get a free pass with toys. We have a no battery rule, but lovingly accept gifts that don't meet our criteria.

Now the sippy cup that is kinda of gross and I would have called her out on that one.

In the end your child care philosphies may differ, but the most important thing is that your lo is treated with love and respect. That is what is going to be the most lasting and life forming thing he takes from his childhood. In the end blinking toys really don't matter.

i think it's important to put in perspective that you are a bit extreme in certain areas. as you know it is common tolet kids play with plastic toys, watch tv throughout the day, drink from this or that, etc. you may want to try to appreciate that your mom doesn't know any different, especially coming from an older generation. my mom often points out i was brought up on hotdogs and koolaid, and that lunch meat with cheese bits in it when i worry about my son eating. i'm just trying to say that my mom sounds alot like yours- and i try not to think she is out to disrespect me, but just that she has that "easy breezy" attitude because that's how we were raised, and we turned out fine, you know?

whenever i cringe at something she says/does, i try to remember that in moderation, i REALLY don't think it's a huge deal. we worry so much about everything anymore- and it seems like everything is bad for us. i try to give my son fruits and veggies- but feel bad if it's not organic. i could do everything "right", but it doesnt always matter, health-wise. so i think it may do you some good to relax a little bit, if you can. but if you are VERY committed to your beliefs about keeping these things away from your son, at all times, then I would honestly not work (if that is at all possible?!) because i think it will be extremely hard to find someone (unless it is in your house?) who will be able to meet those standards long term? I am assuming most in-home day cares are going to have loads of these toys, etc.

Anyway-- my mom feeds my kids terribly and has tons of dangerous things and doesn't really even watch them well, never interracts much unless she is bribing, manipulating, or using them for her entertainment. it really helps me to limit my kid's exposure to my mom. i think that would help you the most, because you are giving up so much control when they are in her care. UNLESS you can talk to her and she can embrace what you have to say, make these few changes, and things can be better.... and i hope that she can respect you!! that would be the best-case scenerio, huh?

My mom lives 9,000 miles away from me and I envy anyone who has the luxury of being able to drop their child off with grandma. I fondly recall the times my grandma would watch me when I was little. I got away with things I wouldn't have been able to do with my parents around (later bedtime, extra cookies, etc) but ultimately I had nothing but good memories of her and I'm glad I had the chance to have her in my life. I'm sure that the way she did things wasn't always the way my mom wanted them done, but it seems my mom recognized that was part of the deal. Honestly, playing with plastic toys while at grandma's probably aren't that bad, so I would just let it slide and let your son enjoy her company.

To respectfully communicate to your mother the way you'd like your son cared for, simply write out the "rules" in a manner that you would if you were to give them to a hired babysitter. And if she starts giving you a hard time about it, do just that (hire a babysitter). Free childcare isn't free...in other words your mother is going to do what she wants unless she respects your choices (she doesn't), and that is the price you have to decide if you're willing to pay.

I'm with you on the plastics...although I take my DS to a daycare center that is full of plastic. I'm conflicted constantly about it but that is a compromise I'm willing to make because they use our cloth diapers, are a Montessori school, put DS to sleep the way we do at home, etc. Those things I feel trump the plastic toys (at least they don't have batteries). Once the babies get older, the have a lot of the wooden stacking stuff and other neat wooden learning toys (since they're Montessori), but for the infants there's not any of that stuff.

Realize that for your mother that part of the "I did this stuff for you, and you turned out fine" attitude includes her parenting choices being threatened by things you are doing differently. As a parent, the last thing we want to think is that we're doing or we have done something wrong while raising our children. Since you're not allowing the things that she did for you, it's a jab. I think understanding that makes it easier for you to see where she's coming from, but it doesn't mean that you should back off.

I would outline something like:

Babysitting rules for DS

-No plastic toys

-Limit TV to culminative 30 minutes a day

-Such and such food is allowed

-When praising accomplishments, please use a variety of exclamations such as "Wow!" "That's exciting, huh?" "Look at that!". Using "Good job" repeatedly reinforces ______(insert the issues here...I can't remember them because I've not read about that so much yet).

-Etc etc etc."

At the beginning, you could put a little note "Mom, the decisions that we've made regarding DS are the fruit of hours of reading and research. Let me know if you have any questions about them, I'd be glad to let you know what I've found out!"

See how it goes. With my mother, I can tell there's an element of my parenting that makes her uncomfortable with how I'm parenting my son, she'll say things like "Wow...I didn't know that! It's a wonder you guys survived" or "I wish I knew all this when you were little", things like that. I talk to her about the research I am reading, and the choices I'm making and so she's coming along with me on this journey of discovering my parenting style. I think that will make it easier once DS is older and she may watch him more because she will already understand why I parent the way I do and why I want her to do X and not do X.

Personally, if I know why I'm doing something I'm a lot more likely to do it. I really hate being given a recommendation such as "Take the entire perscription until it's out, do not stop when you feel better" if I don't know why I would want to do that.

ALL of that to say, it seems the root of your issue is that your mother doesn't care, and won't listen to you. I don't think you'll fix this unless she really is just clueless about what she's doing but is normally a respectful person. You can't MAKE her care, or make her respect you. She should already. You're the parent now, you guys are on equal ground, stand up mama bear! I hope this helps!!

It's one thing if the plastic toys and junk food etc happened on visits, but another if it is going to be a constant and regular thing in his life
I'd print out alfie kohns articles on praise/gj and give that to her with some rules. Maybe go food shopping with her one day to show her the kinds of things you'd like. Maybe print out an article on TV and toddlers and a list of shows you *would* allow. Ds can watch Little Bear and nature shows with my mom, though she'd love to put on Sponge Bob. Ugh.
Is there an activity DS loves that you can how your mom how to do so she's got more tools in her toolbox ad doesn't have to resort to TV? When we went to my moms I made DS a sensory table and he went nuts and my mom was REALLY impressed. They spent hours together outside splashing each other with water and having a blast, whereas before it would have been them sitting in a dark house watching tv while everyone ate chips and ran around feeling frustrated. My mon honestly didn't know what to do with DS an it really helped when I gave her ideas and she saw how much HE lOved them and that it wasn't just my "theoretical hippie crap"
Are any of the plastic toys ok? Can you take the batteries out and they're still usable? I usually only keep plastic toys around that are open-ended or can be used creatively when the batteries are removed. DS has a pot with fake food that talks and lights up, but when we remove the batteries it's just a pot with food which is better IMHO. I also let him keep those Little People playsets he inevitably gets from my mom, but again with no batteries.

Grandparents do not get to do whatever they want with your kids. However, if she's not willing to do what you want, you're going to have to pay for someone else to watch your child. Free childcare is never free.

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Mostly crunchy, Paleo, AP single mama to DS (8/20/11)... Exhausted grad student thrown in there just for fun :P