Explaining

I am feeling a little awkward, sort of like when you haven’t called a friend back in weeks and weeks and you know you should do it…you NEED to do it…but you just put it off because life wraps its sticky tentacles around you, and when you realize another day has gone by without calling, it is ten o’clock at night and you are already snuggled under your comforter.

I haven’t written in awhile. I haven’t paid much attention to my ace in the hole. And since I have a policy of writing from an honest place, I’m going to tell you why.

I’ve been really struggling, you guys. For a long time. We are talking months and months here.

It has sucked.

But I finally – FINALLY – think I have things figured out and I have a doctor who is going to get my life on track. Now that you’re wondering what the hell I’m referring to, I’ll just lay it out there. I’ve been dealing with chronic pain. I let it go for over eighteen months and it just snowballed and kept getting worse, and I am now doing the right thing and getting a diagnosis for whatever it is that has malfunctioned in my body. We are 99% sure that I have fibromyalgia, and now that we know, I can live in an honest place with myself and manage this little beast that has decided to make my body its home. I’m telling you this not for sympathy, because really, I don’t need that. I will be OK. I’m telling you because I want you to know why I’ve been absent for most of the summer.

Not only did I have a mom with breast cancer going through chemotherapy and radiation, I also had a sister with a tumor in her spine and me with my broken-down body. It was all I could do this summer to keep two feet on the ground and get my kids to their swim lessons.

It has made me vomit, cry, not return phone calls, yell at my kids, and have trouble gripping a steering wheel.

It has made me retreat to a place where I don’t talk to many people and I don’t mention how I’m feeling to my family. I mean, come on, cancer and a spine tumor are so much worse than what I’m dealing with. It’s like I had to do what I could to help my family before I helped myself.

So now I have a great doctor and I’m helping myself.

I’m also not here to argue the validity of fibromyalgia. It is real. Don’t tell me it isn’t. That’s like you telling yourself the hair on your ass isn’t real.

IT IS.

I don’t know why or how this happened to me, but it did. I’m coming to a place of acceptance and I’m hopeful that I can manage it smartly and bravely. It may change a few of the things I do, but it does not define who I am. It is not going to rob me of my creativeness and wackiness. I am still Piper. I am still stubborn and opinionated. I am still a loyal friend to those who love me for who I am. I am still going to do the stuff that makes me happy. And part of what makes me happy is sharing my feelings and laughter with you here on this website.

If you are a person I know – or don’t know – who has stumbled across this post and you deal with a chronic illness, I’m sorry. It’s the worst. But you are not alone. Please know that if you ever need a word of encouragement, or just someone to tell you to dry your tears and give that fucking pain the middle finger, you can email me. Anytime. piper at heraceinthehole dot com. I promise you will get a reply.

So I’m sorry I’ve been gone. This is really an apology to myself, because I have missed this place so much.

Wtf that sucks, Piper. I know more sick healthy people here in SLC than I ever knew elsewhere. Something must be wrong when Pilates practicing bike riding triathlon doing healthy eating healthy living people are getting mystery diseases, tumors, autoimmune conditions, etc. If only there were something to attack, to fight, I’d be right next to you doing it.