New Fraternity Regulations Lead to Two Closings

The
regulations that have been passed by the university administration against
Cornell fraternity chapters were shown to be serious yesterday when it was
revealed that these restrictions have already led to the shutting down of two
organizations. It has been learned that the regulations, which placed more
stringent restrictions on hazing as well as banned freshman from attending open
parties, were the cause of closings for two collegetown bars over the summer.

A memo
released by the Office of Fraternity and Sorority Affairs showed that since
Johnny O’s and Dino’s were “basically fraternities anyways,” they
were subject to the same rules that are preventing everyone else from having
fun in Ithaca. “Let’s be honest here,” the memo asserted, “if
you weren’t an underage member of Greek life or a freshman then you wouldn’t be
there.” When the OFSA sent the police to check out these local boozing
establishments they were reported to have been serving alcohol to freshman and
allowing students to “generally have a good time, which everyone knows you
are not supposed to do in college.”

The
Cornell campus seems destined to lose more places to drink this year as
President Skorton continues his attempt to increase applications to the
University by promising freshman that they won’t be able to drink while they
are stuck here in Ithaca for four years. So, who’s going to Pixel tonight?

In an effort to set a national precedent, Cornell University President David Skorton has vowed to put an end to fraternity pledging. In his Op Ed article published by the NY Times, Skorton outlined his plan to end hazing and replace the pledging period with a more positive initiation term. Cornell has been the site of... MORE »

On a typical saturday, I wake up around 10 or 11 and start my day off right with a couple of eggs and maybe some bacon – yeah, I splurge on cholesterol on saturdays. Then I go upstairs and tell whatever facially deformed wench who happens to be drooling on my pillows to please exit... MORE »

What do Cornell students like better Christmas or Formal Season? Christmas…lets be real, but seriously Formal Season is a great second. There’s nothing Cornell students love more than getting all dressed up in their Frattiest Sunday Best and getting on buses like herds of sheep (just a lot more drunk) and then dancing and making... MORE »

In an astounding change of events, it appears as though University President David Skorton is siding with the fraternities in their ongoing battle with Associate Dean Travis Apgar. In a released transcript containing meetings between Associate Dean of Fraternity and Sorority affairs Travis Apgar and David Skorton, David Skorton appears to call out Apgar in his attempts... MORE »

Upon checking his course grades on student center, freshman Phineas Plottman expressed tempered joy and mild exuberance over the fact that his semester spent not fornicating with members of the opposite sex, culminated in a 4.0 GPA. “Oh my gosh, this feeling is so amazing,” said Plottman meekly, “definitely more satisfying than repeatedly thrusting my... MORE »

Well now that poor ol’ Professor Talbert’s yawn-induced temper tantrum has literally hit every single gossip/humor/news website on the internet, his students from his Friday Business Computing lecture – yes, the same group of students who witnessed firsthand his freakout – decided to give Prof T a little taste of his own medicine by staging... MORE »

As things happen and time flies, Cornell adjusts its’ rules every year to make sure that students study in a happy, stress-free environment. This year is no different, as Cornell has placed five new rules in effect for the coming school year. Here is a breakdown of all five: – No sunglasses inside classrooms... MORE »

This article is the first in a potential series detailing the Cornell hockey games from the perspective of a huge Cornell hockey fan who also enjoys humor. This Saturday night I sat in the press box with fellow CB writer apost (who knows nothing about hockey as you will soon see) and detailed the game.... MORE »

The Cornell Store admitted today that all items offered in the 11/11 sale were actually worth less than $11. Said one Cornell employee, “If any prospective students are stupid enough to buy one of those goofy-looking hats for $11, I won’t feel bad selling it to them.” MORE »

Looking for a cute last-minute halloween costume? You will be sure to look skinny in this brand new costume design. Who says America has an obesity problem? Please don’t wear this. Also, severely judge anyone who would. MORE »

THE SITUATION SON AQUI! In fantastic news yesterday, the Cornell Convocation Committee announced that Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from the hit MTV Show, Jersey Shore, will be the keynote speaker for the graduating class of 2012. The news comes as less of a surprise due to the success of Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi at Rutgers University.... MORE »

This Monday afternoon, Cornell campus police faced the unthinkable when they ran out of fresh Wegmans donuts. The police officers campus police were sitting in their parked cars near the intersection of College Avenue and Campus Road when they discovered that they had eaten all of their donuts. “Well we were just sitting there minding... MORE »

Wine Tours embarked upon by members of Cornell students can not only be enjoyable experiences, but they can also be healthy for the physical soul as recently evidenced by Cornell scientist, Gordon Bombay. The study by Bombay concluded that the effect of the grapes that were turned into the wine would produce effects that were... MORE »