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Month / June 2015

I always have crazy titles, because they make my blog posts appear interesting. I guess you can call it “false” advertising, but whatever, today’s post is about a guy in a red sweat shirt.

I am very much attracted to funny men, because they are usually ballsy, know how to have a good time, and I find it easy to open up to them. I am one of those people that has issues with allowing people to get to know me on an emotional level, because it makes me feel powerless. I have some issues…but don’t we all? Anyways, lets call this idiot RSSD. RSSD seemed really cool, but unfortunately, he made the six year old selling lemonade on the street corner appear mature. We only hung out twice, and it was clearly just that, there was nothing romantic behind our hang outs, we just shared one similar interest, and I am not going to say what it is. The second time we hung out he had the nerve to sit there and stick earphones in his ears, who does that???? I should have just walked out, but I didn’t, I stayed, and I am going to turn a negative experience with a dipshit into comedic inspiration..:)

RSSD is a brat, and at one point so was I. Let me explain, I grew up spoiled, and my parents always catered to me, and gave me more than enough, but eventually I grew out of that spoiled brat obnoxious give me my way or the highway mentality. Rotten people are drawn to those types, and who the hell wants to attract that? RSSD wants what he wants when he wants it and when he doesn’t get his way he acts out like a little boy. Like I did as a child when I threw a temper tantrum because my parents wouldn’t get my a toy I wanted.

RSSD only wanted to hang out with me, because his dick wanted to chill inside of my vagina. I was definitely attracted to him, but wasn’t ready for that yet, and thats when his true colors started to show. That’s when he acted like a child, was in a pissy ass mood, and stuck those ear phones in his ears. My advice to RSSD is if you only want sex be straight forward about it, because you will attract another girl that just wants sex, and then you don’t have to act like a little boy, because you will get your way. My second piece of advice is you’re not 19 anymore, you are a grown man, and should know better by now. You should know that you need to RESPECT women, because clearly you don’t.

The truth hurts, and I am always hear to provide you with a substantial amount of pain. JK 🙂 No, but really.

I have spent a decent amount of my life working. I have worked in retail, food service, radio, and marketing. I know a thing or two about shitty co-workers…:)

#1. Women can be catty. I remember an internship I had where one girl who might I add was much older than me said a whole bunch of bs behind my back, but acted nice to my face..that was the beginning of my experience with office politics, and how people will go to great lengths to push each other down.

#2. Shitty workers stick together, and protect one another. Look, if you’re intelligent, and a good worker, you’re automatically a threat to people who do jack shit. Eventually they will gang up on you to get rid of you, it’s an awesome tactic, and it definitely works, but what terrible workers fail to realize is bad employees do not make a company rise, they make it crash and burn…because like Steve Jobs explained..the second you hire a B employee the company starts to tank, because that B employee will hire a C and so forth. Bad employees stick together to protect one another.

#3. I absolutely love my job, and the company I work for. My boss is absolutely incredible, and a wonderful person. He cares about his employees, and gives us creative freedom, and we all laugh, and have so much fun working together, and because of this we succeed. Companies thrive when employees are paid well, and when the environment is happy. The atmosphere is also amazing when people work as a team, and legitimately care about one another, and have zero interest in tearing each other apart. Love, and passion make the ship sail, hate and jealous make it sink.

#4. If a worker does a no call no show and does not have a great reason…fire them. They’ll do it again I promise.

#5. If a worker likes to point fingers at everyone else’s direction its because they’re immature and probably don’t do jack squat. If they have so much time to figure out everyone’s business, it’s probably a strong indication they’re not doing much.

#6. Nobody wants to be micromanaged, it sucks, however, there are tons of people that need it, because they are not self motivated.

#7. When someone cares about you, they do not base their opinion of you based on what others tell them, they form one on their own.

#8. I wouldn’t hire most of my friends. I know people I enjoy hanging out with, but there is no way in hell, I would ever want to work with them, because they’re lazy, and constantly need guidance.

#9. You want to get through to someone? Do it through humor. Not kidding. It works like a charm. I don’t like to be mean, because I don’t like hurting people. Id rather be the one hurting than inflicting the pain.

A couple of months ago, I wrote a post about my childhood best friend that passed away. Last night, I had a dream about him, and in it he was quite serious, and told me not to call him by his first name, because he hated it…wth!?! He was dressed well, and that was the norm for him, he was sophisticated at 7. He had Gucci cologne at 6.

He inspired this blog post, because it made me think of how crazy I was as a kid. I never played with video games, because my imagination was enough. One time I told my best friend in 6th grade that I was a witch, and had powers, my imagination has always been my greatest form of entertainment. I was always told I was going to be a writer…even as far as the first grade. I loved writing weird shit in diaries, and my Mickey Mouse diary, and my mother encouraged the crazy. I am not a good writer, but I can tell a rockin story. I love character development, and helping people escape. I wanted to be a news anchor in college, and one day a Professor told us that the day will come when we make a tough decision, a decision that would ultimately fuck someone over, but be a landmark in our careers, and I knew then I wanted out (I wouldn’t cut it either I still have an accent). I cant hurt people to get ahead, I just cant. Not my style of living. I suck at office politics, because I don’t stab people in the back, or try to get them in trouble, what the hell is the point of that?? I have learned that awesome people do indeed get ahead. Honesty is the best policy. You just have to have faith.

I recently finished a Sketch Writing Course at UCB, and learned a shit ton about writing comedy. I learned that I like to complicate stuff, and write multi-dimensial characters which just doesn’t cut it in comedy, because sketches need to be simple, and there should be one primary focus of crazy. Anyways, I am writing my first draft of a skit I am going to be shooting, and editing with one of my friends, who recently booked a Petco commercial, pretty cool huh? It will be posted here as well as LongAwkwardPause, a bomb comedy site you all should check out :).

So far my skit is called The Shrink, and it is about a narcissistic girl that is complaining about how terrible her exes are because of bizarre reasons, and thats all I am telling you, because I want you to watch it….when it is up. It sounds stupid, but it will be okay when it is up…I promise. I was inspired to write it, because I think tons of women complain about men for over the top dumb shit.

I love you. Even though I go toe to toe with you on a regular basis, and disagree with a significant amount of your idiotic beliefs, I now realize how lucky I am. You gave me everything I ever wanted and more, plus provided me with a safe home, and not everyone got that lucky. I used to think my childhood upbringing was everyone’s upbringing, and I was so wrong. I just wanted to say thank you for teaching me to be thick skinned, and to voice my opinion when I know something is wrong, thank you for teaching me to stand up for myself, and thank you for providing me with a loving home, and the best childhood anyone good every imagine.