Chris Brown is now an artist and also Jesus - 10 Things

Oh good, Chris Brown's now comparing himself to Jesus! Yes, add "religious artist" to the CV of everyone's favourite modern renaissance man and violent narcissist, as the above pic demonstrates: painted of and by Brown, captioned "Painting the way I feel today. Focus on what matters!" and posted it on his Instagram account with the grown up name fuckyopictures (you might recall that he's been off Twitter since telling comedian Jenny Johnson that he planned to shit into her eye, declaring that he totally won that argument and then deleting his account). It comes in the wake of news that yeah, Frank Ocean is planning to press charges over his and Brown's fisticuffs in the carpark of LA's Westlake Studio - just like people did to Jesus when He had that dispute over a parking space and the got all Old Testament on a guy's arse. So yes, it's a comparison that just plain makes sense and should garner popular music's most petulant thug a whole mess of sympathy, and also recognition from the art community. But still: nice abs, Amputee Gangsta Jesus. Also, really like your grey, batlike wings.

The fallout from Cyclone Oswald continues, especially up north. Four people are confirmed dead from the storms that lashed Queensland including a three-year-old boy, whose mother is still in a critical condition in hospital after the pair were crushed under a falling tree. And now there are fears that Brisbane's going to run out of drinking water thanks to the treatment plant that services the city having to shut down due to the water's "turbidity" (a lovely word that means "all cloudy with stuff in it"). Meanwhile, residents in Maclean in northern NSW have been told to evacuate as flood waters come barrelling down the Clarence River after reaching record highs in Grafton yesterday, leaving a whole lot of stinky mud in its wake.

Space Monkey has returned alive and well, according to the notoriously trustworthy folks at Iran's state-run television station. Apparently the plucky simian travelled 72 miles up into orbit and returned safely, proving that their space program is leaping excitingly into the 1950s. Either way, it raises the grim question: will space become the dominion of orbiting communist apes? The answer, obviously, is yes.

As Chris Brown could probably attest, heavy is the head that wears the crown. Egyptian president Mohamed Morsi is probably wondering whether he should even have bothered orchestrating that coup against dictator Hosni Mubarek 18 months ago since now he has to deal with all this shit like citizens defying his curfews and getting all uppity about his declaring of extended powers and the like, and now his own military are dissing him on Facebook. Yes, Defence Minister General Abdel Fattah al-Sisi decided to give Morsi a gentle reminder of who wears the coup-managing trousers by posting a status update that read, in part, "The continuation of the struggle of the different political forces… over the management of state affairs could lead to the collapse of state", which is not a million miles away from "nice country you got 'ere, Morsi - shame if anyfink was to 'appen to it." Whether Morsi plans to respond via a religious self-portrait on Instagram was unclear at press time.

Today's result in the daily Would You Be Better Off As A Refugee poll: still no. Displaced Bangladeshis refugees housed on Kutubdia in the Bay of Bengal have already had to flee once as the island is being flooded and is soon to disappear altogether, and now floods in their new settlement in Cox's Bazaar have sent them packing yet again with no clear destination in sight. Meanwhile Sri Lankan asylum seekers were shipwrecked when their Australia-bound boat hit rocks off Central Java, with two confirmed drowned, one missing, two hospitalised and 20 being held on Nusa Kambangan. So just to recap: no matter what right-wing radio jocks tell you, being a refugee still utterly sucks.

The lead singer of Gurizada Fandangueira has been arrested for setting off the pyrotechnics that caused the nightclub fire that has left at least 233 people dead in Santa Maria, Brazil. As we reported a few days back, the Kiss nightclub's ceiling was set ablaze when the band lit flares during their set, with audience members trapped in the building amid reports that the venue had double its legal capacity of 1000 patrons and that its doors may have actually been locked. One of the club's owners and the head of security have also been arrested. Over 100 people are still in hospital, mainly from smoke inhalation.

Get ready to say hi to 2012 DA14, a 50 metre wide asteroid which is about to become the largest thing to almost hit Earth! Yes, in what's going to be a late Valentine's Day present from the Solar System, this excitingly large lump of (probably) iron and rock is going to whizz past Earth on Friday 15 February at a mere 28,000 km from the surface, which is below the orbit of most of our weather and telecommunications satellites. It'll come close enough to see with a telescope, although you'll need to be pretty nimble to follow it since it'll be travelling at a healthy lick (Earth-based amateur astronomers will have to swing their 'scopes around at about an arc a minute, according to NASA's Dr Don Yeomans). It's definitely not going to hit us, incidentally, but if it did it'd leave a crater around 1.5km wide. But we're safe… for now…

Things remain terrifyingly not-good in Syria following the discovery of over 100 bodies after floodwaters receded from a river south of Aleppo - more specifically, bodies of men with their hands tied and bullet holes in their heads, suggesting something a tad more sinister than drowning. Rebel groups are claiming these are men executed by forces loyal to Bashar al-Assad; the government are claiming rebels murdered them. Meanwhile the country's humanitarian crisis is getting worse with over 700,000 people fleeing into Jordan, Iraq, Turkey and Lebanon in the last seven days, with the UN struggling to provide food and shelter for a fraction of those fleeing the violence.

Method actors, take note: Ashton Kutcher has told reporters at the Sundance Film Festival that his adoption of the "fruitarian" diet beloved by Steve Jobs landed him in hospital a few days before shooting began on the jOBS biopic. I was like doubled over in pain, and my pancreas levels were completely out of whack, which was completely terrifying, considering everything," he explained, which serves as an sobering reminder to have one's pancreas levels checked regularly for terrifying out-of-whack-ness. And also, maybe don't adopt insane fad diets.

And finally, as the furour over the terrible (and let's be honest, racist) joke told by "first bloke" Tim Mathieson continues to bubble, let's have a moment of sympathy for our PM: just watch her face fall when she hears what her idiot of a partner is saying. We're feeling you, Jules.