Archive for December, 2009

Oh Reid, Harry ReidReid of dastardly deedWho reads from one most corrupt creed.A Health Plan obscured by 12 layers of terdSpurred Harry to offer to eat.How can this man eat this unspeakable mess?A mess of such wreakable stench?How can one digest such a mess…who could guess?Enjoined by his benched men of hench.Could be that his brain just fell out with his mane?Could be common sense went to ground?Could be…could it be…could he just be insane?Could it be that his crown has been crowned?A crown that he found in some old Lost and Found‘Neath wallets that thieves had once pickedWith bobbles and bling, and things worn by some clownAnd two candles of Hope, just de-wicked?Crown plopped on his head, and he said, “Yes it fits!And doesn’t this nice crown look nice?”It even looks nice on the throne that he sitsWhere he S#!*ts out his new nitwit lies.Oh my, Harry ReidYou’re not my Harry Reid!I guess you belong to the AgesYou might just belong in the Hall of the Wrong —Enshrined Cons all locked up in cages.You blabber, “This Health spoof is good for you goofs.Don’t care if you don’t like its merits.Just shut your pie holes, and behave like good dufes…And stop putting cheese on your carrots.”But Harry, old goat, there will soon be a VoteAt some point your old boat will sink.Oh, when your boat sinks, we will toast with stiff drinksAnd watch your stink sink in the moat.Then left to unbake: this damn Health Plan mistakeT’was written on Reid’s Etch-a-Sketch.Turn over so all the sketch dust will deflakeShake, shake us from this piece of wretch.

A new book has been released by Bizarreville Press authored by Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska, describing his painstaking journey from a career as a prestigious politician to a cheap skanky prostitute. It is a career shift that few, if any, have made…and certainly no one has done it quite like Ben. It’s great reading for the whole family and a lesson to the youngsters out there: anything is truly possible if you have the will, a will that can overcome stupid things like scruples.

Many people are shocked and amazed that he would make such a change. Others are amazed that anyone would pay for his services…whatever services those might be. The intriguing story points out that the lives of politicians and prostitutes are not that much different from each other…both entailing much back-scratching, butt-scratching, and sucking…lots of sucking. “You get what you pay for” is a theme that threads its way through the book, suggesting a thick wallet is the key to achieving high aspirations and/or getting a good ride.

The author points out that people make choices, and some of those choices can be difficult. He brings in his personal experience voting for the Health Care Plan as one of the toughest decisions he’s ever had to make in his life. Nelson admits that he knew that the Plan was pure malarky, destined to literally destroy the world’s greatest health system. Furthermore, he clearly understood that it would bankrupt the country’s financial system, already rocketing down the highway on a crash course. He acknowledges that his constituents back in Nebraska overwhelmingly disapproved of the stupid Plan, and showered him with emails and phone calls, suggesting he might want to consider the bizarre concept of actually representing his people. “But, man, when they brought in those exotic dancing girls who just kept pouring me great Champagne and tickling me with those feathery things…well, it made me realize we must live for today…just like the song…don’t worry about tomorrow. It was one of those epiphany moments.”

The book concludes that sometimes Leaders must make tough decisions, ignoring their instincts, dismissing hard facts, pushing aside advice from trusted colleagues, and totally blowing-off the will of the people. “That’s why they pay us the big bucks…as the old cliche goes.”

Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction. Even the ones that sound like they could really be true.

The Association of Business Gurus (ABG) has just published a paper in the prestigious Important Business Stuff Journal, concluding that Talking-the-talk is now more important than Walking-the-walk. This important finding could make thousands of business/management books gathering dust on bookshelves nationwide instantly obsolete.

For years, the ABG has preached that Walking-the-walk(WTW) was the critical leadership dimension, particularly when it came time to executing change programs. They measured that TTT was valued at only 3.5 on the 10-point Business Wizardry Scale, compared to WTW at a hefty 8.5 rating. This was based on 100 business studies, which found that blabbering and blabbering about change was not viewed popularly with people. It was the leaders who led by example and made change an integral part of everything they did in daily actions that was ultimately meaningful. Well no more.

In the new 12-month breakthrough study, the ABG determined that their hypothesis was totally incorrect. One part of the problem was that no one was Walking the Walk, anyway. “It’s just too difficult, time-consuming, and frustrating for Leaders to do all that walking.” Most leaders said they now just email their troops marching orders…may even add a little bit of rationale if time permits. A new popular fad among leaders is to put a Footer on all outgoing email that simply reads: “Shut up and comply. Failure to do so risks immediate termination.” Simple and to the point, why waste breath?

The study goes on to show that leaders tend to have much broader reach and quicker response with Talking-the-talk. In today’s world, that is critical. It points out that the President has used TTT to its pinnacle, and totally ‘walked away’ from real action, follow-up, accountability, or real performance. Moreover, the public seems entralled by it all. “Talking-the-talk fits perfectly in our Facebook Society,” commented Dr. Stuhl, Professor of Business Ergonomics at Bizarreville University, “why complicate matters on stuff that no one cares about?”

Another part of the study concluded that leaders who demonstrably show they care about a problem and use persuasive body language technique in showing compassion/care are more effective 2 to 1 than leaders who actually do anything about solving the problem. A Survey of nationwide cynics concluded that, when confronted with a problem, most leaders can’t really do anything about it anyway… even if they could they’d probably louse things up and do the wrong thing…so, if they at least show that they care…well, that’s something. ‘Wiping the fake tear from the eye’ continues to be the highest rated act of pseudo-compassion showing, followed closely by “I feel your pain’.

The new Bizarreville OSHA Secretary met with reporters Wednesday, boldly claiming there’s a new sheriff in town and he’s meanin’ to gun down anyone in his path. This message was initially not received well by his supporters who generally favor total gun control, whining that they would have appreciated a different metaphor. It was even worse when he showed up to the news conference in spats, a cowboy hat covering his mullet, and a 2-pistol holster…even walked a little bowlegged, adding to the shear pathetic-ness of his look. Tsk, tsk, good lord!

Arthur Shlonk, the new OSHA “sheriff”, spouted there would be tougher enforcement, bigger fines with more findings of willful violations, and other sanctions against reckless companies. Puddle of water on the plant floor? Willful violation, max penalty. Shlonk has written a 500-page manifesto, affectionately known in industry circles as “Rules of Obnoxion”, specifying uber-protective measures well beyond the nth-degree so that “even a bumbling idiot could not get hurt.” A cynic in the crowd replied, “Easy for him to say…he hasn’t seen our new crop of hyper-bumbling idiots.”

Millions of dollars will need to be spent on fixes considered ‘worthless wastes of money’ in the past. But Shlonk claims those designations were just cop-outs, spoken by safe-ophobes. When challenged by a reporter about providing data/specifics on this cop-out charge or cost/benefit analysis he employed, Shlonk gave the reporter the finger. “Here’s your analysis.”

Shlonk favors, training, retraining, and re-retraining as a critical part of his agenda on such things as how to walk and chew gum without tripping, which side of a chainsaw to hold, and what to do when the alarm goes off telling people to get the f*#!& out of here. It’s what he calls Back to Basics approach. “You can’t just rely on people’s common sense. No sir. That would be considered irresponsible in my book, pard’ner,” said the sheriff reverting back to ‘character’ for a brief moment.

Industry response has been surpisingly positive to this new aggressive OSHA plan of attack. A spokesman for Berfnerd Industries said, “Good news. We were at the indifference point on expanding our factory in Bizarreville…but this latest pile of dog dollop has made the decision to invest overseas a slam dunk. Thank you, Mr Shlonk, for tipping the balance with your lard.”

Another company, Clamordoink Inc., has decided to pull up stakes altogether and move to China. “They’ve been courting us for a couple years. Offered a 20-year exemption from all environmental and workplace safety rules. 20 years…no knucklebrain regulations, no twerp-parade unannounced inspections, no 1000-page bullshoi permits, no lawyers to figure the whole mess out then louse it up anyway. It’s like heaven, baby. Sayonara…or should I say, zai jian, OSHA dweebs. Put that in your bong and smoke it.”

Good afternoon. Today we’re speaking with a member of theBizarreville White House cabinet. Your name is… You can just call me Mr. Ambiguity.Okay, fine, Mr. Ambiguity….we understand that you haverecently met with a host of ‘Fat Cat’ bankers (I believe thatis what you called them). These would be, what….the CEO’sof some large banks? Yes. We met with these overweight greedy Master Bastards earlier this week. Read them the full, unabridged Riot Act for causing the whole world financial crisis, which put the country in this recession. It was a brutal butt-chewing… poop on the ceiling.I heard that you did all this over a lavish dinner of 2-inchthick New York strip steaks, fine Napa cabernet, and creme brulee. Well, yes. We wanted to thank them for paying back the stimulus funds early, several months ahead of schedule. And for starting to ease up credit a bit for small businesses out there.I thought….I mean, earlier you sounded like you had beenangry at them for getting into trouble in the first place? Damn straight. We pointed out in no uncertain terms their loosey goosey lending policies…approving loans for gold bricks and ne’er-do-wells who had no intention on ever repaying. We told them if it ever happened again, someone would be going to jail.But weren’t you guys the ones who told them to makecredit easier so that more people could afford personalhomes? Yes. And we thanked them for taking on such a daunting challenge, responding to our suggestions. They helped millions of people out there, literally millions. We gave each one of the bankers a poinsetta as a token of our deep appreciation.Daunting challenge? They used all kinds of hedging andderivative schemes with reinsurance tricks. Those guysare professional bankers, for crying out loud…trained, trained, and re-trained in proper accounting methods. We agree. These knuckleheads know better. Have half a mind to call their alma maters and revoke their college degrees.Why haven’t you done that already? What are youwaiting for…an Act of Congress? Well, some Bankers have been pretty nice, outstanding contributors to our campaign…hundreds of thousands of dollars of welcome loot. In fact, a couple of them are staying in the Chester Arthur bedroom as a reward for being such loyal friends.So they’ve basically pre-bought your silence, when itcomes to calling the college dean? Hell no. In fact, I just put it on my To Do list. Here it is…right here: Call Harvard on Tuesday. I’ll rip them a new one Tuesday.Well thank you, Mr. Ambiguity. You certainly have lived up to your stellar reputation. Thank you. It’s been a pleasure talking to you…except for the times when it was boring and mundane. Where’s the door….this way?

Sensing there was some leakage wisping among the Dems in the Bizarreville Senate on the upcoming Health Care vote, Leader Harry Dweed took decisive action. He needed a professional, skilled at driving alignment. Dweed brought in Shlembo, the circus lion-tamer, with a reputation for taking the meanest, nastiest, most ornery beasts and breaking their wills.

Shlembo is highly skilled in using 2 whips in his taming technique. Allegedly, Shlembo can snap an unfiltered Camel cigarette out of a Senator’s mouth before he can exhale one ounce of secondary smoke. He can pick off a single curly hair with one swift crack. He claims he can have these stubborn hold-outs dancing the hokey-pokey in their underwear by vote time.

Some blue dog Dems are understandably in a bit of a pinch….they are stuck between supporting their loyal, loving constituents back home versus sucking up to Harry. “It’s so darn difficult when your core values are fluid,” said one unnamed wind blowee. “In today’s world, you absolutely must keep your belief system flexible. Hey, just last night I had a talk with my family about converting to Scientology so we could be more hip. I ordered a chicken sandwich at a MacDonald’s for lunch when I saw the lousy poll ratings on Burger-eater favorability. Just made the big move to boxers. It’s all about being smart.”

Dweed thinks Shlembo will snap these coreless wonders into shape and get their thinking straight. “Either that or they’re gonna have some sore backsides,” Dweed is serious as a heart attack on this issue. “Socialized medicine is the most critical fundamental building block in our drive to expunge the old capitalistic ways. We can’t let it all fall apart because a couple confused dingleberries forgot how to wipe their a$$#*!$.”

Law enforcement authorities report that the infamous islamo-terrorists currently incarcerated at the military prison in Gitmo will soon be transferred to Bizarreville’s Furk Prison. The new prisoners will enjoy full rights of any slug or sleazeball that is detained there.

This move was quite a pleasant surprise for Bizarreville Prisons Inc, who had been courting various other entities to build the sagging population of Furk Prison. The prison has been on hard times in recent decades. Once a bastion of maximum security and nastiness, the campus had fallen into disrepair, failing to modernize with new fitness gyms, high-tech kitchens, olympic-size pools, and flat-screen televisions with satellite sports packages that most modern prison facilities have come to expect. The prison population continued to dwindle as more and more cons demanded transfers or just died. A new warden was brought in 6 months ago, pledging to rebuild Furk and regain its status as a first-rate, 5-star slammer. A new chef was brought in who used to slop hash at Sing-Sing…could make a tasty meatloaf out of meat byproducts.

Inmates are strongly objecting to this move. They had enjoyed the year-round sunny climate where they could enjoy outdoor sports such as polo and squash…or even sun-bathing at the beach. But this move to a freaking cold place has been an unpopular concept, where they will be certain to be freezing their gujingas off while shooting hoops on an iced-over asphalt parking lot. “Go away and mind your own business, you a$$#%!*$,” commented Oflunkee dur Monkee, the mastermind of 6 subway bombings and inventor of the dastardly fart-bomb. “Crank up those BeeGee songs at 2am…we’re all learning how to disco.”

Citizens have had mixed reactions to the new inmates…many concerned about these dirtbags having “friends” out in public who will vow retaliation, but others very happy that this has created over 100 new jobs for prison guards, food servers, and janitors of various kind. The Chamber of Commerce has come out strongly in favor of the move, and continues to comb the globe to look for other crap-bags that people don’t want in order to fill the prison…possibly even expand the prison in the years to come. “This could be our future, our niche,” cited the Chamber president, lighting up a previously-smoked cigar.

The Bizarreville Stimulus Funding Disbursement Dept announced that there are 4300 agencies/companies who had received economic stimulus handouts, but failed to fill out the proper reports on what they are actually doing with the money. While it only accounts for $25 to 30 billion of the total, it’s still a significant problem, according to the department.

Part of the problem, admits the department, was known in advance. “Many billions were given to groups of illiterate ignoramuses and/or people who can barely speak the English language, let alone write it,” said a spokesman. “How could we possibly expect these ignorant people to fill out reports?” When it was suggested that the reports are extremely simple, easy enough for a D-student 2nd grader to fill out, the spokesman responded, “What’s your point?”

Some other firms simply said that they do not have time or resources to complete the reports. They claim they are too busy spending the money to be able to sit someone down to fill out paperwork. But they have come up with a solution: earmark some extra stimulus funds just to fill out reports. “One bil…two at most…should cover it,” reported a stimulee. “Maybe three, if we hire a staff of graphic artists to make the reports visually appealing.”

Some other firms claimed they were unable to get logged-onto the website to get the report template. But department computer geeks cyber-investigated that story, reporting that they are unmitigated liars. The geeks can show electronic proof that, yes, they did log-in, and yes, they did download the report templates. The department is contemplating cutting off funding to these liars, but as of yet have found no legal grounds to halt the gravy train. They suspect that funds are being totally misused, but can find no definition distinguishing “good use” from “misuse” in the bill.

Bizarreville reporters are on the scene in Copenhagen covering news of a mob, roughly estimated at 100 thousand people, marching in protest at the Global Warming conference. Marchers claim that the weeny-fied global leaders were not doing nearly enough to quell the trend in global warming that will doom our planet.

The frigid weather caused thousands of the disgruntlage to be hospitalized, mostly for frostbite, but some for hypothermia. Many of the knucklehead-fringe spurned overcoats, and came out in tank tops and bermuda shorts for the benefit of the cameras…apparently to illustrate the parching effect of green house gases. To further illustrate, they used some “sunburn red” colored spray-on tan goop to give them a Heat Stroke look. Medical authorities said that this spray crap probably accelerated the onsite of frostbite. It also seemed to mask the purpleness in their extremities, causing a few finger tips to crumble off.

Several protesters showed up with candles and torches, but the torch-bearers were malled by marchers. Their torches were quickly commandeered to provide thawing for the iced keisters and frosty jamungas in the crowd. This sparked-off riots, and police showed up in riot gear and tear gas canisters. There were many complaints about the tear gas, but the police chief responded, “The tear gas canisters did not emit any greenhouse gas whatsoever when they went off.”

The Leader of the Global Warming protest movement took the stage later in the day to speak to his followers.

” I am s-s-s-so h-h-happy that you all have j-j-j-joined this critical m-m-m-movement,” he said as his teeth chattered like a 1966 IBM Selectric typewriter. “Lets-s-s-s not allow this gl-gl-global warm-m-m-ming trend to go unch-ch-ch-challenged. Geez, does anyone have any friggin’ c-c-c-coffee around this place? Get a flunky to run over to that S-S-Starbucks there and get me a Venti…make it two…chop, chop.”

…And now for your 12th question: Name the most important political philosopher of the past 200 years: (a) John Lennon, (b) Bono, (c) Mao Tse Tung, or (d) Karl Marx? Hmm…tough question. All good answers. I’ll go with (d) Karl Marx. Final answer.Correct! Karl Marx, the originator of the Share the Wealth and Punish the Hard-worker theory. You’re up to $200. Now for your 13th question…for $205, name the ex-richest guy in the country BEFORE we took all his money away: (a) Tom Cruise, (b) Bill Gates, (c) Mayor Bloomberg, or (d) Tiger. You said “Before” we took it away, right? Yeah, ok… would have to go with (b) Bill Gates. Final answer.Again correct! The guy who invented all that Microsoft crapand kept forcing citizens to upgrade their software and buybigger freaking computers every 3 years, whether they neededthem or not. Confiscation of his great wealth was such a pleasure. You’re at $205, are you ready to go for $208…? Just one question, Comrade. The increments keep getting smaller for every answer I get right. Shouldn’t they increase for correct answers?Ha, ha, ha, Son. So humorous. You kids love pulling the legs ofus old-timers. Shall we move on to question 14? No, wait…seriously. This show is called MarxistMillionaire. How will I ever get to a million this way?Well, it’s this way, Son. The payoffs are according to a curve that,I believe, was developed by the Great One himself. It’s called anasymptote. You theoretically can get to a million dollars, but will have to answer…I believe it’s 12.1 trillion questions correctly. Tobe honest, questions do get tougher after the first couple hundred. What? 12.1 trillion questions?? That’s as many questions as there are dollars in the National Debt!Yes. Isn’t that a funny coincidence. And ironic…that that samelevel of National Debt helped usher in the spread of Marxism. Wow,spooky! But let’s get on to question 14: What profession pays the most: (a) garbage collector, (b) nucleur scientist, (c) CEO of ShankerMotors, or (d) all paid the same…

Bizarreville Senate leader Harry Dweed has got the whole Health Care issue figured out. He has, however, had to bank on a new, not yet fully recognized branch of Mathematics to make the numbers come out right…a branch he has named “Bizarreville Math”. PhD mathematicians worldwide are scratching their collective heads to decipher the pretzel logic on this one. It could be a candidate either for the Nobel Prize in Math, or the Gobel Prize in comedy. We’ll see.

Dweed proposes to expand Medicare to people in the age group 55-64, whom he says desperately want to early retire from their boring, mundane 40 hour/week jobs. “These people have golfing and gardening to do, and it’s getting harder to get it all done just on weekends,” Dweed advocated.

At the same time, Dweed proposed drastic cuts in Medicare coverage, such as limiting all hospital stays to 1 day max, and eliminating so-called “discretionary” procedures such as heart bypass surgery, hip replacements, and cataract surgery. “There’s alternatives for all those procedures that are far cheaper,” said a lib senator who apparently owes Dweed a favor. “My mother-in-law is a working example of 1 of those. I just bought her a beautiful guide dog for 200 bucks. That’s what we call ‘fiscal responsibility’ in our household.”

Dweed said that his program will make Medicare solvent once again, using Bizarreville Math concepts and fully endorsed by Bill Smith Accounting and Waste Disposal Services LLC. Critics have challenged the analysis, but Bill Smith gave a simple answer on how it works. “Senator Dweed just gave me the answer, and all I had to do was plug the numbers to make it come out right. Could not have done this years ago. But with new Microsoft Excel spreadsheet technology, it makes it so much easier to do the reverse math.”

Dweed responded that it’s not quite that simple. He claims that he used sophisticated algorithms, linear regression, and multi-variate analysis of inputs to derive the proforma calculations. “But I guess we came out with the same answer, so who cares?”