Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Sadie is pregnant. I'm about 90% sure. I caught her eating grass yesterday, and all she wants to do is sleep. I bread her about a week and a half ago. It was her first sexual encounter, and my first watching of a sexual encounter. I felt a little intrusive watching her, but how can you not watch? When we got there the owner of the stud brought her dog out, and they got right down to business. I kept laughing and laughing. I made cheesy sex jokes at first, but I was the only on laughing, so I gave up after a while. They had a hard time making a connection, if you know what I mean, so it started getting less funny, and more stressful. The other lady thought maybe we had waited too long in her cycle, and it wasn't going to happen. At one point she had her face down by Sadie's butt trying to help her dog get his goods in the right spot. He sprayed her in the face with his man juices. You heard me. That really happened. After like 2 hours, we were about to give up, and they finally got it right. We had to hold them like that FOREVER. I had Henry crying and pulling my hair, and Grace trying to play with the dogs for the longest 15 minutes of my life, but they did the deed, and now Sadie is a woman. Hopefully in a few months we'll have a litter of goldendoodle puppies.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Those of you who see me in my real life (because this isn't real life right now) know that we're still struggling with sleep. If you see me it's obvious, because of how pissed I look. Grace still wakes up and wants something at some point during the night, probably one out of three nights. Henry wakes up about every hour all night long for no reason. Right now he is sick, and I've had him in bed with me, so I can keep a close eye on him. I can't sleep with Henry. I feel so claustrophobic, and I start to itch, and I feel too hot or too cold, and then it's morning, and I'm devistated. Life is so hard right now, and I want to scream, and cry, and run away, and never come back. Some days I wake up and decide I'm going to have a good day, no matter what. But some days I don't, and then I struggle, every second of the entire day. I struggle with who I am, because I don't have time for me. I talk too much because I'm desperate to have a voice. I question everything I do, and worry that I'm doing everything wrong. But once in a while I hear a little voice in my head that says I'm doing alright. The fact that I feel this way shows that I'm giving my family everything that I have. There's nothing left for me, and that in itself nourishes me. Sometimes I feel so trapped here, but at the same time it's so liberating. I don't care what I look like, I don't care what I eat, I don't care what the prettier mom's at church think about me. I don't even care if I haven't said a single prayer without interruption, or read my scriptures by myself in months. Grace kisses me 12 times before she goes to bed every night, and when she walks into my room in the morning, and hears my voice telling her good morning, her smile is so big. Henry can't even look at my face without smiling. To my family I'm the best mom ever, and they're the only ones that matter. Right now we're in the thick of it, but I see places where my rough edges are being worn away. Slowly I'm becoming who I'm meant to be, and I think the secret is that it's not even about me. Just please let me get some sleep! Like seriously, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.