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Monday, January 14, 2013

Mondays with Martha

This advice works for both men and women:

DATING (GROWNUP STYLE): The Art Of The First Date

Here’s some advice on what you can do to have a successful first date.

1. The Smaller The Better

Small talk is the best way to start a date. Many
people on a first date are nervous, self-conscious, and even insecure.
Idle chatter lets you settle in, get comfortable, and get a sense of
each other. Digging right in to personal things almost always leads to
the beginning of the end.Don't think this is wasted time. Talking about
non-consequential (i.e., nonthreatening) topics will bring out your
date's fundamental personality. You’ll see clues to their intelligence,
well-roundedness, sense of humor, lifestyle and general interests. This
is the stuff you’re going to live with every day, and it’s important.2. Watch Your Moves

Your body language and communication skills speak
volumes. Do you show confidence and interest by keeping eye contact? Do
you smile and laugh, lean in to listen when they talk and show respect
by using good manners (to him and to servers)? Again, this tells you
tons about a person. 3. Nix The TMI (Too Much Information)Context is huge. Sharing your illnesses or the
details of a bankruptcy or divorce on the first date will most likely
send them fleeing. Let them find out how kind, confident, brilliant and
fun you are before laying out all the less than desirable facts about
your life. When you share it on the second or third date, they can judge
it in its proper context.4. It's A 50/50 PropositionThe number one complaint from the women I coach is
that men talk incessantly and don't ask enough questions about their
date. Of course some women are guilty of this too.I know you may be nervous and want to impress. Also,
it's flattering to be asked about yourself and be in the company of an
active listener. But please, don't over share. Make sure you give your
date equal time to talk and ask questions about their life.If you don't, you'll go home with memories of you
talking about yourself. You'll probably feel foolish, and know nothing
about your date. Hence, neither of you will want a second date.5. Become A Master Of The SegueLadies, this is for you: Contrary to most women’s
opinion, asking him about himself and letting him talk endlessly is not a
way to attract him. While grownup men certainly look for deep
connection in a partner, “someone who will hear my deepest thoughts” is
far from first on their list.How will he get to know you if you just listen to him
all night? Leaving a man feeling like he revealed too much is a recipe
for disaster. If he gets home feeling like he told you more than he
would tell his best friend (which usually isn't much), you’re not
getting a call for that next date.If he is going on and on, gently transition the
conversation back to you. Aim for a good balance by helping him pass the
conversation ball. (This, of course, is a great skill for guys to learn
too.)6. Some Talking PointsWhen first getting to know each other, talk about
what you like to do, where you like to vacation, where you’ve lived,
what you love about your job/life/friends/community. This is where you
should start as you date like a grownup.Get a sense of your date's personality, intellect, and manner…and let them see yours. Then go home. I’ll bet you'll have more second dates!By Bobbi Palmer, Gazette Relationship Columnist