Posts Tagged ‘ask the eye’

I am a freelance Web developer who was almost bankrupted by the economic collapse. A few years ago a client referred me to a friend who needed some search engine optimization. The friend operates an adult website. Adult websites make a lot of money but have trouble finding honest, competent help. One job turned into another, and working with adult websites has become a thriving business for me. My problem is that nobody knows I do this. My wife thinks that I design websites for local companies. I don’t work with sites that do anything illegal or that produce “desperation porn.” My clients are high-end, soft-core sites. I’m getting to a point where I can’t hide this anymore. I’m going to get a prestigious industry award, which means that an Internet search of my name will reveal the nature of my business. I also have had to hide profits in a secret mutual fund, because I don’t think my wife would believe that I make that much from designing websites for florists. I’ve wanted to walk away for a while, but the money has gotten us a lifestyle that we struggled to have for years. My wife doesn’t have to work anymore, our house is paid off, we have a college fund for the kids. I feel like I’m stuck between disappointing my family by turning off the money pump or having them find out that I work in the adult entertainment industry. I need advice.

Desperate

Dear D

I understand your concern.Your immediate problem is easy to solve. You thank the heads of your industry for their generous recognition, then you inform them that for personal reasons you must decline the award and ask that your name be deleted from the event. It is not a good idea to keep a separate bank account from your wife. Otherwise what could go wrong.

I recently applied for a job as the assistant director at a well-regarded art gallery. In a pre-interview phone call with the director, she told me that my credentials were an excellent match with the position and set up an interview. The minute I walked in the gallery and introduced myself at the reception desk, I started getting weird vibes and worse. Employees, including the director, stepped back when they saw me, or gasped, or fled. I checked my appearance in the bathroom and found nothing amiss. Except for this, the interview itself went fine, from my perspective, but I didn’t get the job. I asked a friend at another gallery if she knew who did get it, and it turned out to be a guy fresh out of college. Because of the gap between his credentials and mine, I decided to write to the director and ask her if she could shed some light on the situation. Surprisingly, she said she’d meet me for coffee to discuss it. She told me that the person who previously held the job looked just like me, was a dead ringer for me, in fact, and in fact was dead. The other employees had pleaded with her not to hire me. I looked him up online and saw pictures that shocked me as well as my younger sister. From his obituary I learned he had died in a car accident three months ago, and he was my age. At first I thought I could make some sort of hiring complaint, but obviously I would never fit in there, to say the least. My concern now is that I think I had a twin. Should I bring this up with my mother? Or find some friends of the dead guy and ask them more about his history? As you can imagine, I’ve been in a real state for the past few weeks. Concerned

Dear Concerned

I understand you have been in a real state the last few weeks. Its time to get a grip. Maybe you should find a friend of the dead guy to shed some light on your predicament. You may be more of a dead ringer than you think. Hope this helps.

I started a new job several months ago. Almost immediately, I picked up on the repeated appearance of a certain co-worker whenever I go to lunch. This might sound like a coincidence, but we work downtown in a major city and I always leave the building to go to lunch. I go at different times of day (and not on the hour) and sit in different plazas and food courts but I see him sitting in the background more often than not. It is creepy. I didn’t tell anyone about this because I don’t want to seem paranoid or like I’m flattering myself about having a “stalker.” But today I walked to a new location 10 minutes away from work and he walked right in front of me and waved! I waved back but it was pretty unnerving and I can’t pretend this isn’t happening. We never talk at work and are never involved in any of the same projects. We just see each other in the hallway. Is this an unsolvable problem? Is it even a problem? I am married and he can see that. Concerned

Dear Concerned You need to do some more reconnaissance before you take any action. It’s best to deal directly with that person. But this is so odd and undefinable, that I don’t see how you say, “You seem to be stalking me at lunch. Am I mistaken?” After all, he can totally deny it, and you really can’t say he’s not allowed to eat at the same plazas you are. I would recommend you update Facebook for stalker outing,

My good friend has found her mate after several failed relationships and is desperate to be married and start her family (tick tock). I am thrilled that she is engaged, and she has asked me to be in the wedding. I would normally be pleased to do so, except for one issue. She has debt of approximately $250,000 in credit cards and student loans, and she has not told her fiancé about this. I feel strongly that she is morally and ethically required to tell him before they are married, but she refuses. I can’t help but feel like an accomplice to her dishonesty by standing up in the wedding. What is the right thing to do? Scared

Dear Scared

I understand your concern. After the couple recites the traditional vows, “for richer, for poorer” Equifax can guarantee he’s going to get a whole lot poorer. You must tell the groom -to be. You need to tell him before it is too late. tic tock… Hope this helps.

Dear Eye View Gloria has been first a mentor and then a mother figure to me since we began working together two years ago. I was shocked when I found out she’d gotten married; I hadn’t even realized she was dating someone. I have since learned that Gloria’s husband Jason is a prison inmate. From what little she told me, I surmised his crime was serious enough in nature that he might never be released. Against my better judgment, I did an Internet search and found out Jason raped three women. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I despise sexual predators, and now I can barely look Gloria in the eye. I cannot understand why she would marry a rapist. I cannot help but feel she is pathetic and desperate. I don’t know how to continue our relationship, and it is exhausting for me to pretend like nothing has changed between us. What should I do? Confused

Dear Confused I understand your concern.This is a private matter for Gloria and since she apparently has kept it out of the workplace, so should you. Mentors can be wonderful, but they can also be stifling, so obviously it’s time for you to ease your way out of this relationship. As for her being a “mother figure”—consider that that isn’t what you need professionally, so also make a course correction in this aspect of your relationship. It could be that Gloria is not only a mentor to you but mentoring, providing career counseling, and stopping US extradition for her new husband as well. Hope this helps.

I have an attractive friend who was bypassed for a front-office promotion. “Miranda” is pleasant, clean, efficient, energetic and had the same qualifications as the individual who was promoted. A management team member confided that the reason for Miranda’s lack of advancement “might” be due to the numerous tattoos — difficult to cover — on her arms and wrists, which the manager said isn’t the image the business wants to convey.

Is this discrimination? I think it’s unfair because Miranda is a good worker. She keeps asking me if I have any ideas why she was bypassed. Should I tell her? I don’t want to violate the manager’s faith in my confidentiality, even though I will be retiring soon. — LOYAL FRIEND IN MASSACHUSETTS

Dear Loyal Friend

I understand your concern. Your friend’s obvious tattoos prevent her from presenting the corporate image your employer prefers be conveyed to clients who visit the front office.I think you should level with her. She might prefer to work at a company where her chances for advancement aren’t stymied. Until people with tatoos become members of a protected class your employer is not at risk for a discrimination suit, yet.

A close friend with whom I used to have regular daily contact by phone, email, or online chat recently moved in with her boyfriend. She has been dating this man for four years, but none of her friends or family have ever met him. Inquiries about when anyone will meet him are usually shrugged off. She even claims not to know where he works. I’m beginning to wonder if we were even the kind of friends I thought we were. I feel ambivalent about our friendship, which is making me act standoffish. We meet in a social context weekly so it feels awkward. Do I need to look inward and just deal? Help! I struggling with how and why to stay friends. At a crossroads … Confused

Dear Confused

I understand your concern. Maybe you’ve never met him because he is a she. Or maybe he is a figment of her imagination. There are lots of other possibilities and the imagination does tend to run wild when a close friend has been dating someone for four years no one has ever met, and she claims to know little about. I think you should confront your friend. Ask her if her boyfriend is a figure in the fashion industry. Hope this helps.

Dear Eye View
I’m a 31-year-old male and consider myself to be a borderline sociopath. I view this as a neural development disorder where many people fall along a spectrum, not something to be “treated” or changed. I have a strong “logical morality” and do not wish harm to anyone, but I do come first and don’t commonly feel guilt or remorse. This seems to work in most areas of my life, but dating is a problem. By all recognizable accounts I am easygoing, successful, charming, and normal. However, I do not feel love the way I imagine many people do. My love for someone peaks around the two-month mark in the relationship and I can feel that way for nearly anyone who meets my dating criteria. But I have been the “love of their life” for many women, who form incredibly deep bonds and end up devastated after they realize our relationship will not progress and it ends for seemingly no reason. In some of these relationships I have even been entirely up front that I simply don’t “feel” the way most people do and they have not been deterred. So, what am I to do? I don’t enjoy hurting others, but I do enjoy when others care for me. Do I just continue this pattern throughout life, enjoying each relationship for what it is and knowing that if the woman gets her heart-broken she will eventually get over it and go on to better relationships? Or is that callous and morally demanding of a better approach?

—Not a “Feeler”

Dear NaF

I understand your concern. Its hard being “that guy”. We understand you just don’t get enough credit for not being a violent psychopath. A better approach is to be both honest and empathetic. So stop making vague declarations about your lack of feelings. Be explicit at the beginning that you have never been in—and don’t care to start now—a relationship that lasted more than a few months. State that marriage is not for you. Say you offer a good time in the short-term. Second try to work on becoming more empathetic. Its a good look. Hope this helps.

A very good friend of mine, Peter, is on the verge of being hired for a job he desperately needs in Colorado. The problem is the company requires a drug test, and he smokes pot daily. So he asked to “borrow” some of my clean urine, so he can surreptitiously pass it off as his own. Peter is married with a child, and is a generally great guy, though he is a little on the irresponsible side, and has had issues (not pot-related) keeping jobs. This job is working in an office and doesn’t involve law enforcement or public safety. I want to help him and his family, and I have no moral issue with people smoking pot. I have a well-paying job and a family of my own, so I have a lot to lose. I know the simple answer is to tell him to stop smoking pot, but that’s not going to happen. Are there any legal ramifications for me if I help him and he gets caught?

—Urine Trouble

Dear UT

I understand your concern.It’s a classic stoner move to think that you’re going to get away with subbing your clean friend’s urine for your own. Before you two waste-management masterminds get any further in the planning of this caper, watch the episode of Workaholics in which the trio of goof balls attempts to pass their office drug test by buying urine at an elementary school playground. There’s no legal ramfication for you unless you call creating a new plot line for a drug themed comedy breaking the law of good tastes. The other option is he could stop smoking pot but that would require he take a 4 month job sabbatical during the application process to clear the pot from his system. Besides pot is legal in Colorado

My boyfriend and I moved in together a few weeks ago and it’s been a somewhat tricky adjustment. One problem in particular has been that he’s very bothered by my habit of talking to myself. I’ve lived alone for many years and talking to myself is something I’ve just always done. I kind of see it as a way of thinking out loud. I’ll sort of ask myself questions and answer them, for example, or say something like, “Guh, I don’t know what I feel like having for dinner,” and then say, “Maybe pasta? No …” I absolutely see how this would be annoying, and out of courtesy, I am trying my hardest to limit how much I talk to myself now that I’m not living alone, but he’s taken it to a new level. He seems to think I need to talk to a psychiatrist if I’m “having conversations with myself” and he’s been asking if I “hear voices.” I’ve tried to explain that this is just a habit of thinking out loud and that it’s relatively normal but he won’t let it go. I think this is a fairly innocuous, but irritating habit, that he needs to accept in me as long as I work on it, just like I accept certain harmless flaws in him. I certainly don’t think I should be talking to a shrink about a bad habit. What do you think? Self Talker

Deare ST

I understand your concern. If you walk down the street these days, it looks like everyone is “hearing voices.” OK, they are, but there is still something disconcerting about people having very animated conversations as they march along the street by themselves. So there’s a technological fix for your situation: use blue tooth as if you are on a phone call. That will trick your boyfriend and be less annoying to others. Hope this helps.