Not only does the sweater look great—it also serves as a fabulous icebreaker at holiday parties and family get-togethers. When Aunt Mabel passes you the ham and, after noticing your outfit, asks you why that shadow is dousing the Lord with perfume, you can launch into an explanation of the Occupy movement and discuss current trends in counter-protest law enforcement. ("Oh, that's nice, dear," Aunt Mabel will reply. "I guess I won't put too much pepper on my food, then." Aunt Mabel doesn't always make sense.)

Religious historians have written about a long-lost passage from the Bible in which the Three Wise Men met a pepper-spray police officer on their journey to meet Baby Jesus and his fam and deliver their gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. The officer tried to cajole the trio into inviting him along for the ride, but after considering the offer they decided that it was probably best not to expose the Savior to any chemical agents until he reached high-school age. In order to avoid angering the police officer and getting pepper-sprayed themselves, the Wise Men gave him a $25 holiday gift certificate to Olive Garden and then resumed their travel without incident.