i really need your support and advice, my fellow tPFers

I Bleed Georgia RedThread Starter

Admin

i just got back from a trip to visit a very old friend of mine halfway across the country. he and i have had feelings on and off for each other for about 8 years, and we haven't really been in the position to see each other for quite some time (years, in fact). i was nervous about the trip, because i care for him a great deal regardless of any romantic feelings i have for him. we've always had great chemistry, and i was afraid that since all these years have passed, maybe that wouldn't be there in person anymore and it would mess up our relationship, even as just friends.

well, i couldn't have been more wrong. i had the best 4 days that i can remember having in a very, very long time and he was beyond wonderful. i don't think i've ever been treated that well by a man in my entire life. the connection and chemistry that we've always had were more than there - they couldn't be ignored. it went better than i could have imagined.

i cried all the way through the airport (although i kept it together fairly well in front of him, we both shed a tear or two), all the way home, and i've been crying on and off since thursday. i miss him so much that i can't stand it. the loneliness is palpable.

the thing is that neither of us wants a long distance relationship - we both know that they usually don't work and that they can sometimes doom relationships that would have been otherwise successful and we don't want to lose each other because of it. also, we're both young, and we both realize that we have things to learn and mistakes to make before we can be for each other what we need to be in order to last. because of this, we've decided that we need to date other people, at least until the end of college when we can potentially be in some sort of physical proximity. i'm more than willing to move for what i think i can have with him.

at this point, though, the thought of him with another girl kills me. it absolutely rips me apart. i don't want him to meet someone else and get caught up and us to miss our chance, and i don't want to do that either. i'm terrified, absolutely terrified, that he'll be the one that got away. he said it would break his heart if i up and married someone else before we got our chance, and i feel the same way, but sometimes life gets in the way, you know? at some point, reality hits you.

i just don't want to wonder for the rest of my life if what i could have had with him would be better than what i could have with anyone else. i don't want him to be the one that got away, but a long distance relationship would probably doom us regardless of how much we care about each other, and i can't expect him to wait for me for two years.

i'm going crazy here, because i can't talk to him. his phone broke while i was there and he won't have a replacement until the middle of the week. i don't know what he's feeling and i haven't heard his voice since he told me goodbye at the airport and i'm ready to implode because of it. i miss him so much. i don't know what i'm going to do.

so, any thoughts? advice? been in a similar situation? i just need something to get me through the initial shock of being without him.

sorry that this was so long, but normally he'd be the one i'd let this stuff out to, and i can't do that right now, so i really don't know where else to go. i know y'all won't judge me, though, so here i am.

Member

I would buy a prepaid cell phone and overnight it to him!!LOL!..then you can talk to him about it all and see how he feels too..Sounds like someone needs to move to the other...You sound like you really care for him..are you willing to move?

Member

I was in a long distance relationship for about 2 years (New York/Toronto). It was hard, but worth it. He ended up moving to where I am and now we are married with a daughter. Just take one step at a time, you will find out what is right for both of you.

I Bleed Georgia RedThread Starter

Admin

i'm more than willing to move, it's just that i'm halfway through college, i just started a year lease on the place i moved in to now, and i don't know if either of us is mature enough to make an honest go at it yet. like i said, we both have a lot of mistakes to make and things to learn about ourselves and relationships, and i think it's probably important for us to date other people for a little while and not jump in to things irrationally.

even though i know that intellectually, the thought of him with another girl kills me emotionally. i'm having a really hard time balancing the two things out, which is what is really ripping me apart.

Member

I do not get the having to date other people thing
It would probably that, more than anything else that will drive you crazy with jealousy, and jealousy is what kills most relationships stone dead.
I am of the opinion, you only get one life, and it is fragile, precious, and sometimes very short. You may well have mistakes to make and things to learn, but what is wrong with learning them and making the mistakes together? things like that is what defines a relationship, and make them your problems together, not his or yours

Member

I've had many goodbyes and separations from my bf and it never gets any easier. I wrote this whole story about us, but then my computer froze! So, I just wanted to say, that long distance is not fatal to relationships. It makes them more challenging and it does take a more mature attitude, but they are not fatal. There are many that fail, but, I truly believe, that if they failed through long distance, they'd have failed regardless... the main aspects are loyalty, determination and good communication... which are vital to any relationship surviving. Even my sorta flakey best friend who used to jump from guy to guy... when she met the right one, a year separated by an ocean didn't deter them.

I think you'll feel better once you get to talk to him about your feelings. Is he in a position to move near you sooner? How many more years of school do you have? The important thing is discussing and being open, telling him how you're feeling and being honest about concerns. I hope you two are able to talk soon! And the best of luck in figuring this situation out...

Member

I do not get the having to date other people thing
It would probably that, more than anything else that will drive you crazy with jealousy, and jealousy is what kills most relationships stone dead.
I am of the opinion, you only get one life, and it is fragile, precious, and sometimes very short. You may well have mistakes to make and things to learn, but what is wrong with learning them and making the mistakes together? things like that is what defines a relationship, and make them your problems together, not his or yours

You sound in love, why not go with it

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Very well said, and I agree completely Did you ever think that maybe the way you have contemplated this whole situation is very mature in the first place. You know how you feel, what you want, and the possible outcome, good or bad. You are in love with this boy, young or old, there is NOTHING like true love, it can get you through any and everything together. My opinion is not to pass up a chance with someone who makes you feel as you do. He sounds like a very special person, that you have known for a very long time, its not like this is someone brandnew, that you really have no clue about. GO FOR IT!!

Member

I don't think you have to date other people either.....date this guy for a while and see how compatible you are (over time) and if you both naturally decide to "take a break" at some point in your relationship, that's your time to see other people, I think. Sounds like maybe you're afraid of turning the friendship into a romance, but don't let the fears win! Life is short and if you have such strong feelings for him (and he treats you well) definitely go for it! It sounds magical!

Guest

Sorry you're feeling so down, Amanda! The only thing I'll say is that the good guys, the *really* good ones, are hard to find. Long distance or not, if you both feel strongly enough to try to have a relationship, I say go for it. It's completely true that the long distance relationships are tough and sometimes do tear people apart, but if it's meant to be, it will work out. You guys will work it out. Take care and feel better!

140 lbs lighter

IMO, school is the most important thing right now. I think it's best that you stay where you are, but stay connected for the next two years (I guess) that it takes you to finish school. You all will have forever after your education is done.

Member

I do not get the having to date other people thing
It would probably that, more than anything else that will drive you crazy with jealousy, and jealousy is what kills most relationships stone dead.
I am of the opinion, you only get one life, and it is fragile, precious, and sometimes very short. You may well have mistakes to make and things to learn, but what is wrong with learning them and making the mistakes together? things like that is what defines a relationship, and make them your problems together, not his or yours

You sound in love, why not go with it

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I agree with with this a well. I've never been in this situation but if I felt the way you did I wouldn't want to risk him finding someone else. Good luck!

Oh no she di-int!!

IMO, school is the most important thing right now. I think it's best that you stay where you are, but stay connected for the next two years (I guess) that it takes you to finish school. You all will have forever after your education is done.

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I agree with elongreach...finish up school first and then if it's meant to be you two will be together forever . Thank you for sharing your story with us...we're with ya, man!

Member

Do what's in your heart! Long distance relationships are so hard. When dh and I were dating we did the long distance thing. They keys to a successful long distance relationship are communication and trust. If you genuinely feel you guys aren't ready for the long distance thing, wait and when you finish school if you two still feel the same, go for it!

Founder

Admin

We both are at the end of a two year long distance relationship with each other. First thing to know about it, is that it doesn't get any easier - as people tend to say. But if it's meant to be, it will work in the end, no matter what heart-shattering times you will go through with each other.

Dating somebody else (in our opinion) will only disrupt things between you guys, no matter what the rational may be. Once jealousy and mistrust and hurt becomes a variable, it will be a real ***** to get out of it and the magic's lost.

This is from Megs to you:

When Vladi told me that he was going to be gone for two years, the first thing I did was to fight with my parents and myself to make reasons why it would make sense to follow him to Germany. At the time, I could justify changing my life around for him, but I, too, was finishing school. IMO changing your plans to follow somebody else's dream/school/schedule when you aren't completely sure that this is IT, may make you bitter, because you are not taking care of yourself. You know, there is always exceptions to the rule and things can work the WEIRDEST ways, but I am just telling you from my experience that I am really happy that I finished my school and now Vladi and I can be together and are both at the same place.

But... it's up to you and I am sure what's best... and in the worst case, you will learn from experiences.

From Vladi:

Don't make the mistake and make life changing decisions in an emotional high that you find yourself in. Let things settle down, don't rush it, talk things out. Distance in the beginning seems absolutely unbearable at first, but the time actually does fly by pretty fast.