Once upon a time there was a pretty cool person called Madeleine. She was so cool, she sometimes spoke in third person.

She also liked tucking her shirt into her armpit-high pants and wearing round glasses with her green eyes and black hair that was unneccisarily similar to that of a very well-known wizard.

One of her best friends, (apart from obligatory mentions of all those who've blackmailed to this position), was her calucator, whose name was Nigel. Nigel had a lot of buttons. Lots and lots and lots of them, and they were mostly grey, but there was a green one and white one and a blue one.

Madeleine knew she was cool. She loved her Dr Who and brussel sprouts, her correctly placed commas and anything written by Douglas Adams. She could play Tetris or Minesweeper for hours on end, even if she didn't really like Solitaire that much.

(Actual Quotes. These people actually exist)

"Yoda, man the gas!" (In a science lab)

"I'm a Bird-Whisperer!"

"Haggis? What's Haggis? Some kind of pastry?"

"Damned six-legged horse!"

"HE'S NOT NAKED!! He's just not wearing clothes yet!"

"Once upon a time there was some oozing green slime" (book) "So why is this green slime oozing?" (a very enthusiastic English teacher.) "Because that's what greeeen slime does!" (an English student)

"STICK IT DOWN!" "With WHAT?!" "Mind power!"

"You only have one voice in your head?! You poor, lonely soul..."

"I"m going to die as a FISH!?"

"The verbs are my friends!" (the enthusiastic German teacher)

"Imagine you have an avacado." (...a music teacher?)

"Off to the mushroom fields we go!"

"Is everyone in their happy positions?" (this time, it's the enthusiastic drama teacher)

"... tasting chocolate in your ear..."

"Who wants icecream with their pizza?"

"I can run like an emu and fight like a kangaroo!"

"... like a fish without a bicycle..."

"Let me draw my fish-berries!"

"Is that supposed to be Jesus?" "NO!! It's Peter Pettigrew!"

"You're supposed to be dying!! Get your dying face on!!"

"... as bright as a torch without batteries..."

"THERE'S A PIECE OF MUFFIN STUCK IN MY HEART!!"

"If I chuck my lifejacket in the water, d'ya reckon it'll float?"

"Yes! The Happy Rainbows can fly, too!"

Well, you see, there's actually a reason why you've just scrolled/read through all of afore mentioned crap. I might or might not have actually written some fanfiction! Whoa! Look amazed!

Hour of Darkness:

Once upon a time, Madeleine decided to join the deep, dark depths of Fanfiction. The first thing she wrote was a crappy 'lets-kill-all-of-the-Cullens-off-in-as-few-chapters-as-we-can!' fic, and now she tries to convince herself it doesn't actually exist, it's just hanging around on her fanfiction account as a leftover malfunction from when that evil, sadistic, revernge-driven pixie (it was blue and spoke in Cornish) hacked into her account out of spite. For no reason. None at all.

A Dark Night:

Have you seen the Potter Puppet Pals episode all about "ANGST! ANGST! ANGST!" punctuated by the odd headbang? Well, this is like that, only no puppets or funny voices. I thought it was good when I wrote it, but am now convinced the pixie did this one as well.

The Reunion:

The first few chapters are oooooooooooooooooooooooooooollllllllllllllllllldddd. So therefore uber bad. But I'm in the process of rewriting the first few chapters. Once I sort out a prologue, I might be almost-sort-of-not-really happy with this one. Except I'm somewhat of a perfectionist, so unfortunately that will never happen. I'll look back on it in a years time and shudder, don't you worry. (About Edward, Bella, Jake, and The Lurrve Triangle of Dooooom)

Blindly In Love:

Well, I like the idea of this story, if not much else. I wrote it, realised it didn't make sense, rewrote it, forgot about it, remembered it, cringed, thouroughly edited it, ignored it for a while and now am currently debating over whether or not changing the title would be a good idea. Hey! It might be a good idea to tell you what this is about, yeah? So Ingrid is normal. Normal, normal, normal, ordinary, normal. And she's kind of sick of it. So she wishes for a change, anything that will break her life out of the rut of normality it's been bogged down into since the day she was born. But the change comes in a way she never could've predicted, in ways to terrible for her to comprehend, and she loses everything. And when this tall, warm, stranger called Seth is the only one who still says he cares, how can she trust anymore?

Never Look Back:

You ever heard of the book Rebecca? Well, neither had I until I was forced to read it for school. Like, forced, forced. Like, all but tie you to a chair with your eyelids propped open with matchsticks with a copy of the damned book a foot from your face forced. And it wasn't so bad. This was written for school. About the main character, a swotty rich guy called Maximillian. You don't think we're getting subtle messages there? Maxi (as in lots of, or a floor-length hippy-dress), millian (as in almost million)? Well, this little paragraph here did have a point, but I seem to have missed it and splattered on the carpark next door, so just go read the story if you care.

Romeo and Rosaline:

In fair Verona High School, were we lay our scene. By yours truly, Anonymous Author 1, Anonymous Author 2 and William Shakespeare. (I'd write some vaguely humourous comment here, but I'm in awe at my own witticisms of the first line, and I don't want to spoil it with my usual babble)

MYJ is...

Madeleine's betaIn Fanfiction-land.She is awesome,Slightly

YellowEven when theLights go out, and she mightgLow in the dark, but I'm not sure, because she's usuallyOut of the room that I am inWhen it is dark, and she is

Jess, and forgives me when I can't think of a coolEnough word beginning with J and never lets mistakesSlip by her, because she isSsej Wolley Ssim, only backwards.

I have way too many plots and not nearly enough, well, I was going to say time, but I probably do have enough, so not good enough organisational skills and dedication to write them all. So I'll probably publish something Harry Potter related in the not-too-distant-future (which for me, could be anything between tomorrow and never), either NextGen or Marauders. I've been put off writing anything with Ginny in it after I saw the 6th movie. And I read a fanfic where it turns out Ginny had Harry under the love potion all along, and he discovers so, twenty-something years down the track. So my fragile beliefs were shattered, and I am now eternally slightly suspicious of Ginny Weasley. And the actor, who is a good three inches taller than Daniel Radcliffe whilst stooping and wearing flats. I'm not looking forwards to 'Nineteen Years Later'

I really would like to get around to writing a Dr Who fic. I really, really would. Unfortunately, I can't be stuffed.For the time being, anyway. We'll see how things go.

There will be more Twilight abominations, I'm sorry, but I can't help it. I'm past the point of enjoying any of the books, but the ideas come so thick and fast!

I plan to devestate the serene realms of Death Note fanfiction one of these days... Eventually...

There was and Alex Rider one I was going to write, but didn't. I might write it. Then again, I might not.

List twelve of your favorite characters from your fandom, in order. Then answer the questions about them.

1. the Doctor (Doctor Who)

1/2. Voldemort

(equal first. I mean, how could I choose? But for the sake of this exercise, I flipped a coin. So Voldy is 2, but is in no way, shape or form any less awesome that the doctor.)

3. Seth (Twilight)

4. Mello (Death Note)

5. Kreacher (Harry Potter)

6. Skulduggery Pleasant (From a series called Skulduggery Pleasant. You won't have heard of it, but it's pretty cool. He''s a talking, walking, bad-joke cracking skeleton)

7. Ryuk (Death Note. A shinigami, a god of death. He happens to like apples.)

8. Vladimir (Twilight. Just like Stefan, except he has a cooler name.)

9. Dobby (yes, I have a special soft-spot just for house-elves. Cos they're so cute and all. And I absolutely love that bit at the end of DH when... Nevermind. PM me if you really want to know.)

12. Murtagh (From Eragon. Or the "Inheritance Cycle" if you prefer the fancy terms)

(This isn't exactly in order... I love them all so much I couldn't choose!)

1. Have you ever read a Six/Eleven fic? Do you want to?

A Skeleton driven into existance by the want of revenge... With this ancient old man who's half machine... No, I haven't. But hey, it could work!

2. Do you think Four is hot? How hot?

Mello? You bet! He's beyond the realms of Steven Strait, Robert Pattinson, Johnny Depp and every other drool-worthy actor you can think of PUT TOGETHER!! Including every single male species in Twilight (except maybe Billy and Charlie and co). ... even though he's only a drawing.

Voldemort and my little friend Skullduggery Pleasant? Dude, they're both magic! They'd fireball eachother to death before they even had time to exchange a few words!! Even though SP is already kind of dead...

6. Five/Nine or Five/Ten? Why?

Kreacher/Dobby or Kreacher/Malfoy?! Well, I guess... option A. At least they're the same species, although seriously...

7. What would happen if Seven walked in on Two and Twelve having sex?

So Ryuk walks (or rather, flies) in, on VOLDEMORT and MURTAGH having sex?? OMG! Well, he doesn't know either of them because they're all from different fandoms... And they wouldn't even be able to see him cos he's invisible and all... Unless they've touched a Death Note.. Which Voldy might have...

So Ryuk would back away slowly, wishing he hadn't seen anything, Voldemort would try to Avada Kedavra him to death and Murtagh would pull out Za'roc and try any jab Ryuk so that Galbatorix wouldn't find out. I really hope you've read all of those books, otherwise this would make very little sense.

8. Make up a summary for a Three/Ten fic.

Draco is lonely. Seth is lonely. Seth falls in a hole in the space-time continum and falls through to England where he meets Draco who's also fallen into a hole in the space-time continum and wound up in muggle London where they meet and-

This is so implausible it's not even funny.

9. Is there any such thing as One/Eight fluff?

Doctor/ Vladimir? Geez, I should've put some girls in my top 12.

10. Suggest a title for a Seven/Twelve hurt/comfort fic.

Ryuk/Murtagh? Erm... Murtagh is having a 'tanty cos no one loves him, and Ryuk tells him that he's just as cool as Eragon and they all live happily ever after.

11. Does anyone on your friends list read Three hot?

(Seth) cough MYJ cough Sorry, what was that?

12. Does anyone on your friends list write or draw Eleven?

I wish! No one loves Davros!! Poor ol' Davros... Just cos he likes to try and take over the universe...

13. Would anyone on your friends list write Two/Four/Five?

Voldy/Mello/Kreacher? If that's not weird, I don't know what is. I dare somebody to go and write a fic for every random pairing in this segment.

14. If you wrote a Song-fic about Eight, what song would you choose?

"The Time Warp." Cos you could so imagine Vladimir doing the pelvic thrust.

15. If you wrote a One/Six/Twelve fic, what would the warning be?

Doctor/SP/Murtagh? Well, blood would be spilt... So at least K+.

16. When was the last time you read a fic about Five?

Kreacher? I've NEVER read a Kreacher fic! Oh, woe is me!

17. (1) and (7) are in a happy relationship until (9) runs off with (7). (1), brokenhearted, has a hot one-night stand with (11) and a brief unhappy affair with (12), then follows the wise advice of (5) and finds true love with (3).

The Doctor and Ryuk are in a happy relationship until Dobby runs off with Ryuk. The Doctor, brokenhearted, has a hot one-night stand with Davros and a brief unhappy affair with Murtagh, then follows the wise advice of Kreacher and finds true love with Seth.

San D'Klass certainly didn't have Artemis Fowl in mind when he decided to give gifts to all the Mud Children in an attempt to appease them. Especially since Artemis Fowl can never be satisfied unless he TAKES what he wants. Which includes a certain elf.

With the knowledge of the family secret, Orion Black is hoping for a peaceful 4th year with no more complications. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be. The Triwizard Tournament has been resurrected with an invisible force set on destroying everything.

The Cullen clan is back at high school but now with Jacob and Nessie. New friends and new problems for Nessie. Going to high school with your parents and trying to figure out your relationship with your best friend.

Maddie and Addie have been nearly inseperable since birth, but when Collin imprints on one twin...what happens to the other? Their once unbreakable bond disinegrates and their both left to pick up whatever pieces they can. Collin/OC Brady/OC

When Teddy suddenly goes missing on their wedding day, his loving bride Victoire refuses to believe it's just cold feet. On further investigation, a strange story unravels, starting from the day they found out a shocking family truth. TLVW.

It was inevitable that one day he, Artemis, would be kidnapped. He just never expected his kidnapping to involve robe-clad, wand-wielding lunatics who are under the impression that he is someone named 'Potter'.

Imprinting. "It's so hard to describe. It's not like love at first sight, really. It's more like gravity moves. When you see her suddenly it's not the earth holding you there anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her." Jared. Embry. Jacob.

I never really understood why people had such a hard time distinguishing the twins; Rebecca had a sweet and serene face, sorta like an angel. Rachel was the one with the permanent evil glare towards me.- Paul imprints on his worst nightmare.

He couldn't believe that these two strangers were offering him a chance to go back, to say a proper goodbye. It was all he had wanted since the tragic day, all he had wished for. Spoilers for Blog part 3. 9 & Rose. May be followed up - possibly...

Clumsy war hero meets often drunk and constantly grumpy landlady. They're barely acquaintances and if it wasn't for a trick or two that destiny pulled them, that would problably never change. NevillexHannah.

Peek into the intimate pages of Seth Clearwater's man-journal as he complains about life, love, and teenage shape-shifter angst. Post BD, canon-compliant, rating for language and sex humor...because Seth is a teenage boy.

Guess what’s the only thing that can wake Artemis when he falls into a magical coma after getting a paper cut from a cursed book. Guess who has to carry out that cure. Guess who’s laughing his horsey butt off. HxA

Sophie was only suppose to come in for Bella's wedding and then leave. A simple vacation that has turned her life around completely. How is it possible that she ended up living in the claustrophobic town of La Push with werewolves? Embry/OC

A Jared and Kim story. “Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do, will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, will never...never forget it.” - Curtis Judalet

Leah: Sadly, imprinting magic has side effects, such as loss of judgment, lustful thoughts, watery eyes -dripping may occur-, chest pains, dizziness, and headaches. For more information,contact Taha Aki -the spirit that no one will believe you’ve ever met

This story picks up in the toward the end of NM when Bella is trying to save Edward from the Volturi. This time she's not fast enough to get there first... This is going to break your heart... but Jacob's more. Please re-read ch.8 before reading ch.9

Almost killed by bear, saved by outragesouly gorgeous undead woman, transformed into vampire, fell in love with outrageously gorgeous undead woman, outrageously gorgeous undead woman just sees me as a son. Pretty good year so far,right? RoseXEm.

Such a pure and different love they shared, two halves of the same whole, not complete unless they were with each other...Alice and Jasper's first two years together, starting from the day they meet to when the met the Cullens for the first time.

Tenth and Rose find more than they bargained for when visiting Seattle.A surge of vampire attacks hitting the city. The Doctor is raged, and when a strange girl and another vampire offer to help, can he trust them? Twilight crossover. TenRose, BellaEdward

Hilarity ensues when Edward comes back at the end of New Moon and he and Alice get Mrs. Cope to change their schedules to put them in Bella's gym class. How can they appear human when their superhuman athletic aptitudes keep getting in the way?

He thought that if he even said one wrong word to her she would break into a million tiny pieces, that's how fragile she was. Paul didn't know how to handle this sad, damaged girl that he had imprinted on. FINAL CHAPTER!

"I'm like a Vampire," she murmured. "Because, in mere seconds, the sun could kill me." - Bella Swan is a girl living her life in fear of the light. Edward Cullen is simply a normal boy. They're worlds apart, but... "You're my sun, Edward." – ExB ALL HUMAN

100 dollars. It was how much Seth owed his older sister after she won their bet that Jacob Black would imprint on somebody completely inappropriate and leave Seth completely and utterly brokenhearted. Leah-Embry and Seth-Jacob.

For most of her young life, Jules Paxton’s world had revolved around football. That all changed the day a loony git in a blue box crash-landed in her mum’s garden. Slight crossover with the movie Bend it Like Beckham.

The horror and fear- you have become a monster. The terror and loathing- you have lost your humanity. And above all else the weary sadness- you are alone, alone, alone. The story of Sam Uley's life from the time he first phased to the day he marries Emily

Oneshot AU Poemfic. Harry is alone in a world parrallel to his own after the defeat of Voldemort destroys the remainder of his world. This is a bit of a teaser, goes with Song of Dancer: Call Of The Phoenix

After breaking dawn, so obviously there are going to be spoilers. Seth imprints on a girl, seen just for a second on a car journey, but how can he find her again? And how will Edward and Bella react to Renesmee and Jake's blosseming relationship?

Doctor WhoAlex Rider crossover. During a mission that's getting increasingly weird, Alex meets an even weirder stranger. The Doctor, mourning an old companion, meets a strange boy. The Doctor, plus Alex? Good Lord. NOW OFF HIATUS!

The universes are safe and the TARDIS is full of people he loves drinking wine and swapping stories, so naturally the Doctor is... watching from the sidelines. // A missing scene set during Journey's End, and a companion to 'Say Goodnight and Goodbye'.

To Seth Clearwater, being a werewolf is the greatest thing to happen to him until a family crisis bring him to Pennsylvania, where werewolves are only myths. When Seth imprints how can he tell the girl without risking involvement from the Volturi?

Alix is the new vampire and married to Edward Cullen, Bella- jealous. The werewolves move into La Push. Who does Jacob Black imprint? The real question- is it wrong for a werewolf to imprint on a vampire? please read and review!

A few days before the wedding Edward is out hunting and Bella agrees to go see Jacob, which she later regrets after he viciously hurts her like she never imagined he would. How will Bella cope? How will everyone react? Rated M for Rape and a few lemons!

Nothing calls to Kim more than Jared, except maybe the occasional snickers, but when she's finally able to settle with herself that he's not going to be the guy for her, the unthinkable happens. All the sudden dreams do exist... and nightmares. Jared/Kim

An historically accurate Reinette comes along to see the stars. Life on the TARDIS immediately becomes more insane than usual. The obligatory GITF AU! With special thanks to Olfactory Ventriloquism, who gave me this idea and knows I'm nuts. On Hiatus.

It's James' last birthday before he leaves for Hogwarts, and Lily desperately wants to buy him something special, but as always, she has to deal with his love of being the older, bigger brother first. NextGen Written for RL Birthday challenge.

Going from rebellious jock to clean-cut werewolf was tough enough for Jared. But to face his EX-girlfriend...could this day get any worse? Earned 3rd place in Feb 2008 "Jared Challenge" on Twilight Archives.

SPOILERS for Season Two, especially the finale, Exit Wounds. There were many tragedies in Owen Harper's life. The very worst of them was about to find its way to him. Owen/Toshiko, and the rest of the gang.

Hogwarts has a Sarcastic Little Git inside it’s walls. That Sarcastic Little Git is deeply disgruntled. In an effort to strike out against those who annoy him [read:everybody], he is posting mocking and vaguely offensive “Guidelines” on the notice boards.

Draco Malfoy, War Hero apparently, goes into hiding in the cupboard under the stairs of Number 4 Privet Drive. This is a record of his ordeal, in his own words. The veracity of his words is, naturally, open to debate...

After the events of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Lucius Malfoy has to deal with one or two rather serious problems. His dismissal from the Board of Governors, a rogue Houseelf who knows too much, his shambolic PR... and oh yes, his irate wife.

Parody. Tom Riddle mysteriously gets his hands on the Harry Potter books. Rather than just make pithy observations, he decides to do something about his future. As for those whose futures are flushed down the toilet... well, who really cares about them?

After You Know Who's return, shortly before the permanent removal of Professor Umbridge, the Ministry attempt to promote House Unity. They do so in the only way they know how: With paperwork. Which should go brilliantly, of course...

Set immediately after OotP. Harry is feeling fairly awful and rather dislikes his father after what he saw him do to Snape. But when Remus sends him a box full of his fathers old notes and journals, Harry starts to see a different side to James

A songfic, mostly about character's reactions after Dumbledore's death. This was written as part of my grief process, so please review and make me feel better! HPGW, RLNT, sort of. Yeah, I know, no one's gonna read this, 'cause it's a songfic, but I don't

Mary Sue Bloomwood is one of the two unidentified Gryffindor girls, who is planning her revenge for having been so plainly ignored by the Wonder Trio for the past six years. But is she really the mind behind all the madness going on at Hogwarts?

Written in response to AbigailNicole’s “Idiot Savant” challenge. See Artemis cringe from Quality Bonding Time as his father attempts to discover his weaknesses and Get to Know Him Better. Because nobody can be a genius at everything… right? Parody

So He shows up in her bedroom, a year after telling her he didn't love her any more, and thinks it's all ok? Bulls**t. She doesn't need Him anymore. She's got Jake. At least, that's what she's trying to convince herself. T for swearing.

In fair Verona High School, where we lay our scene. Romeo has a penchant for inappropriate love, but none more so than his current desire. Mercutio just wants to spill some Capulet blood, and Benvolio can't keep the peace anymore.

Ingrid is ordinary. She wishes for something, anything else. But then her nice, normal life is torn to pieces, and all she wants is the boring normality back, not this tall, warm stranger called Seth who is the only one who still says he cares.