Would You Bust a Bad Mother?

Liv Tyler stepped up to help a crying kid -- would you? Photo: Getty Images

Actress Live Tyler recently found herself in a situation that I'll bet many of you have been in as well: She witnessed a woman losing her temper with a child in public. In Tyler's case, the woman was a grandmotherly type who was allegedly yelling at and hitting a young child in a stroller.

Upset by what she saw, Liv was moved to act. What she said to the woman isn't clear, but judging by the shouting match that followed, it was not well received.

It is hard to stand by and watch as a child is being treated roughly by a parent or caregiver. But is it ever okay to step in and bust a "bad mother"? Cafe Mom readers are talking about it and offering some very thoughtful comments on the subject.
As one reader points out, no form of discipline ever looks good in front of other people. And unless a child is in clear danger, involving yourself is probably out of line. But if you must, do it carefully and with tact.

After the incident, Liv Tyler told a nearby photographer that she confronted the woman because she "couldn't take it" and "had to do something." That statement certainly gives the impression that Tyler, just like the yelling and hitting woman, was reacting emotionally rather than logically. Understandable, but ultimately not helpful.

If Tyler felt compelled to involve herself, perhaps she should have taken a moment to consider what she could do to help diffuse the situation, not exasperate it. By angering the woman, she may have actually made things worse for the child.

What would you do in a situation like that? Has anyone ever butted in to your personal parenting business?

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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)

Sure, make yourself known in the situation, tactfully. If a parent wants to make a public display of striking a child, then it becomes public knowledge. Possibly ask if there is anything you can do to help. Attempt to distract the caregiver to at least discontinue the hitting of the child. I wish someone was present when my father went off on me. There is not need to verbally escalate the already tense situation. Just standing near the caregiver may allow him/her to realize the seriousness of the behavior.

Made sense Doug. I personally will intervene when I believe a child/parent situation is wrong because I believe as you do, public action equals action in public.

This does require a bit of evaluation when caught in the early stages - yelling, berating, and such - but in the late stages - shaking, hitting, throwing stuff - I will be there as a pure reaction.

I know there is a deeply ingrained feeling that parents have the right to raise their kids as they see fit and others should keep their nose out of it. That is about as deep in the pit of wrong ideas as you can get. No parent has the right to put my kid's future, the countries future, and our cultures future at risk. What??? Little stones build big walls.

If a lot of parents get out of control, their kids have a large chance of repeating the performances, because they simply do what they learned from their parents. No one said they should not, and they have no clear positive alternative behaviors in their options bucket.

Standing close, drawing attention with a statement or some noisy action, or simply asking if you can help may in fact interrupt an impending bad act, but it will do little to alter the inclination.

I would definatly make it clear that the person should not be doing that. It all depends on the situation also too. If it is a little kid and they are getting the crap beat out of them yes you step in but if it is an older kid that might of swore to his mother or something and she back hands him then that is a little differnt. I witnessed something like this at the zoo where a teenager had told his mom,"fu*k you Bit*h " and the mother back handed him and some lady called the cops and told the woman she had to stay there until the cops came. The womna was jsut someone who was passing and saw her hit her son. I think in that situation they are older they know what they did is way wrong. Little kids though just cant help themselves and dont know what they are doing sometimes. either way if it looks bad I guess you should step in.

I would definitely intervene if I saw a caregiver abusing a child. A word of warning, however...as a child, me and my siblings were often berated or physically punished in public and when another adult would say something, it often resulted in harsher discipline for us. I always dreaded the idea of someone intervening because I knew it would make things worse. I remember seeing a little girl one time who had angered her father. The father didn't say anything at the time, but I knew from the look in the little girl's eyes that there would be hell to pay later. I recognized the look and felt so much sorrow for that little girl. Based on what I know, I would only personally intervene if my actions might prevent immediate injury. Otherwise, I have to evaluate the situation.

Because spanking is both legal and often frowned upon, this country is full of "closet spankers." As some have noted above, forcing a parent to hold back "until I get you home" can lead to more severe punishment, that is more likely to cross the line into abuse. So regardless of whether or not you believe in spanking, imposing your view on other parents is not likely to help their children. Frankly I think there would be less abuse if parents could give their kids a whack as and when needed without being glared at.

Of course it is uncomfortable and unfortunate when a child is being publicly punished. But if it is a punishment that is legally acceptable, others should not attempt to stop it. Discipline is the parents' domain. Undermining the parent's authority is confusing to the child and counterproductive. Besides, you wouldn't want it done to you - how would you like me to go up and lay hands on your kid because I believe a spanking is long overdue? Conceptually, it's the same thing.

If we're talking about a parent on the verge of losing control, I prefer the approach of kindly asking if you can help in any way. Just the reminder that people are watching is usually enough to make the parent take a step back and get a more realistic handle on the situation. Offering sympathy, e.g., "two is such a difficult age," may help the parent to realize that the child is just being a child versus intentionally aggravating the parent, and also that it's understandable to onlookers that a harried parent will have a weak moment now and then.