I just wanted to thank you for the gift you sent in the mail. I mean, I didn’t really know how your company could ever make up for the fiasco that occurred when you didn’t send my mother her Mother’s Day flowers the first time. Or the second time. Or even the third time.

But somehow you have exceeded my expectations, Jim. Exceeded them, Jim. Can you imagine my delight? To have 1-800-Flowers exceed my expectations. Okay, I will admit it. My expectations are set at a pretty low bar when it comes to your company but still, you managed to exceed them.

Because I have received two 20% off coupons for my next order from 1-800-Flowers.

You can imagine the euphoria I felt when I opened the envelopes. I mean, having two 20% off coupons certainly makes up for the fact that it took two weeks and several calls to your customer service center to get my mother her flowers. Obviously, that 20% (because I can only use one coupon per order) makes me feel like it was all worth it. All the calls. All the stress. All the sadness that my mother didn’t get anything for Mother’s Day. All the idiots I had to deal with at your company. The guy who hung up on me because I said the word “damn.” (Just a note, Jim. How does that guy make it through the day with those sensitive ears? I mean, judging from the comments I’ve received about my experience with your company and the comments I’ve read on the web about other people and their experiences, he must have been sworn at before.)

So I have to ask, Jim. Seriously? Is this the only way you have to tell me you are sorry? 20% off coupons? For pete’s sake, Jim, I could cut those out of my local newspaper. I could probably find those on the web on one of those coupon sites. Not to mention the fact that I will not be making a future order, Jim. Not from 1-800-Flowers, anyway. <========Not sarcasm, Jim. Just a promise between me and you.

Anyway, do you know the thing that hurt the most, Jim? Your company promised that I would not be charged for the flowers my mother received nearly two weeks after Mother’s Day. And you know what, Jim?

I was charged. And I didn’t even get 20% off.

So at this point, Jim, I think we are breaking up. I just can’t have a relationship with a company that is…filled with such idiots. So I bid you goodbye, but I will remember you fondly as the little company that sucks. <========Again, not sarcasm.