Cheapside

A discordant Toon Once again it falls to us to quash a scurrilous rumour doing the rounds of the City. According to the gossips, Sage Group founder Graham Wylie recently tried to buy his beloved Newcastle United. The software magnate - who cashed in £100 million of Sage shares last week - even got as far as a meeting with Newcastle's boss Douglas Hall, we are unreliably told. But things quickly turned sour and Wylie was abruptly shown the door, our uninformed sources tell us. Cheapside hates to hear of any discord, and so this statement from Wylie's secretary comes as a relief: 'There is absolutely no truth in the story. At no point has he ever considered buying Newcastle United.' So there.

Don't diet, be happy Health experts aren't the only ones to be worried by the growing craze for the Atkins diet. Chip-makers McCain, bless their hearts, are also taking an interest in our well-being. The low-carbohydrate diet, warns McCain, leaves us short of the 'happy' brain chemical serotonin, 'and is therefore likely to leave millions unhappy'.

What admirable public spirit, particularly from one of Britain's biggest purveyors of junk food. And just in case you thought the carb giant's 'Chin Up Britain' campaign was a little bit self-serving, we'd like to point out that McCain has consulted no less a person than the psychologist from Big Brother to back its claims.

Don't worry, be happyMight Bobby McFerrin, singer of the Eighties anthem 'Don't Worry, Be Happy', have been reincarnated as Time Warner boss Richard Parsons? We don't know, but Parsons should take a leaf out of his laid-back doppelganger's book. He's just been subpoenaed by the US regulator over suspected dodgy accounting at AOL.

When the cat's away Over at the Treasury, they've never had it so good. Gordon Brown is away and workshy mandarins are gleefully missing their productivity targets, flicking elastic bands down the corridors of HMT and quaffing shandy at parties across London. At this time of year, Britain's finest financial brains are normally sleeping on camp beds and toiling through the night as they prepare the pre-Budget report. But the report has been put back to December, which raises an interesting question. Shouldn't we all get paternity leave when our boss has had a baby?

Papal bull?Well done Eddie Davenport, the Gatecrasher Balls millionaire who recently fended off an allegation that he hoodwinked the African state of Sierra Leone out of its five-storey London mansion. With characteristic chutzpah, Davenport celebrated his courtroom victory by going out on the town with famous friends in Monte Carlo, breathlessly emailing Cheapside with photos of the great event as it unfolded. One picture showed Eddie engaging in a hand-wrestle and generally larking about with Hollywood hardman Jean-Claude van Damme. Touchingly, Eddie refers to his bosom buddy as John Paul.

The invisible KenRemember how unsupportive the Government was over Ken Livingstone's plans to introduce the congestion charge in London? Ministers didn't want to look anti-car, and Ken has told Cheapside a little more about the paranoia that gripped them as the new charge loomed. At Whitehall meetings, says the mayor, 'I was told not to sign in so there was no record I'd ever been in the building. But it never got to a sack over my head.' He'll probably be muzzled next time.