Apologies Are Actions

For many years I was the queen of apologies.

I apologized to diffuse tense situations, I apologized to try to move on and not actually take responsibility for my actions, and I apologized for things that weren’t my fault. It became a knee-jerk reaction and pretty soon I didn’t even realize how often I did it.

I really had two types of sorry. There were the apologies listed above, which served to make me feel better but often had nothing to do with me and then there were apologies that were tied to behaviors in active addiction, but really also just served to make me feel better. Basically, most of my apologies revolved around my own feelings and had nothing to do with anyone else.

Apologizing for things that weren’t my fault is an entire post for another day (synopsis: don’t do it). Today’s thinking out loud focus is on the latter type of apology — the empty one.

When I worked in admin, I dealt with a lot of patients. I worked at both a chiropractic and PT clinic, which involved many appointments throughout the day. At both places, there were patients who were regularly late, so much so that we would have to tell them their appointment was 30 min earlier than it actually was so that they would show up on time.

Those people frustrated me more than anything. It was rude, disrespectful, and by the 345873487th time I had heard “sorry,” I wanted to let them know how that word had actually started to enrage me rather than its intended placation.

Recovery not only taught me that I needed to significantly reduce the amount of apologizing I was doing, but that truly being sorry meant changing my behavior.

It wasn’t enough anymore to tell people that I was sorry and continue to behave the same way. The more you use sorry as a way to escape consequences, the emptier the word becomes.

I apologize to my family and friends for lying, stealing, and manipulating them by doing the complete opposite.

I apologize to my heart by using affirmations, by taking care of my inner child, and by practicing self-care.

I apologize to my body for all the misuse I put it through by trying to live a healthier lifestyle filled with exercise and healthy eating (most of the time).

I apologize to society by speaking out about addiction and mental health, paying taxes (ugh), showing up to work, and giving back when I can.

I apologize to Neil for leaving my clothes all over the place by picking them up and putting them away 75% of the time (hey, no one’s perfect).

The next time you find yourself apologizing more than once for the same action, remember that apologies are actions. They’re not simply a word to absolve you of responsibility. Take some time to recognize the pattern and actively find a way to change it.

It’s not always enough to change your behavior once. It’s about consistently showing up and not repeating the same things that cause you to have to apologize in the first place.

24 Comments

Life is a series of actions, not a series of words. And that can be hard for everyone to remember. Sometimes, we feel we need to be the filler, rather than the substance, in situations because we don’t feel comfortable reaching out. But empty apologies are like empty promises–just air and words.Susie @ SuzLyfe recently posted…Currently in Suz’s Lyfe : Podcasts, Nail Polish, and Struggles

I feel like my ex boyfriend needs to read this. He’s never once apologizes for his actions yet continues to try to communicate with me after 3 years of being apart. Maybe you should show your sorry or just leave me the F alone!Megan @ Skinny Fitalicious recently posted…The Single Girl Shame

I can totally resonate with this Erin. I apologized to my family for my mean and aggressive behaviors during the midst of my eating disorder, but showing them that I actually was sorry and wanted to change had to be done through my actions as well. Words do mean a lot, but actions mean a lot more!Alyssa recently posted…Thinking out loud 7/7/16: Life as of late

I really love this. Talk is so, so cheap and what you say doesn’t mean anything if your actions don’t back it up. Also, I probably would have gone postal on those people who were constantly late. That shit drives me nuts.Amanda @ .running with spoons. recently posted…you need this, co-washing update, and my therapy (ToL#190)

Yes, yes, yes.
Don’t apologize for something that isn’t your fault (this is actually a HUGE pet peeve of mine) and if you do need to apologize, ACTUALLY DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
There is a person in my life who continually makes mistakes and then apologizes, but doesn’t change. I can’t deal.Ange // Cowgirl Runs recently posted…Why I’m Okay With Possibly Never Being a Parent

This is so well said! I think so often our culture is filled with empty apologies to people to make ourselves feel better, sound better, or to not deal with confrontation. Great post!Heather @ Polyglot Jot recently posted…TOL: Thoughts From a Former Dancer

I absolutely love this. So welll put too— I think sorry has become ‘a knee jerk reaction’ to the point where it almost has no meaning any more. This is definetly something I have to work on, thanks for this!

Oh, Erin. I love this post. Looking back, there were times when I said “sorry” without truly meaning that I would change my actions! It can definitely feel empty if we’re not self-aware. Thank you 🙂Jess @hellotofit recently posted…Tropical Mango Turmeric Smoothie

You’re a wise woman, Erin and these words are a great reminder. My oldest son (he’s only 15) is addicted to drugs, and despite being incredibly offensive, deceptive and manipulating, his whole being screams one giant apology in the way he holds himself, in how he looks at me, in everything he says and writes. My hope is that one day he will stop apologizing for his existence, and start really living. He’s worth it to so many people, but he just has to be worth it to himself. So, I wait.Suzy recently posted…From Under the Cabana Tree

This is so important. Apologies mean nothing if the “offensive” behavior doesn’t change. Everyone can slip once, but if something is a behavioral pattern, apologies will do jack-shit (sorry!).San recently posted…TotR | Davis Moo-nlight Run 10k Race Recap

We all need this reminder. It teaches us to take time to know who we are, listen to that inner voice and speak the truth. Sorry can be such an empty word or it can be a healing word. Wonderful post Erin!Crystal Renaud recently posted…Greeting A New Home, A New Day And Worcester Half Marathon