Ever Since I Updated to the New iOS, My Phone Runs Slower, Has a Shorter Battery Life, and Keeps Trying to Feed My Uber Drivers to the Ocean Gods

Enough is enough! I’ve owned an iPhone for almost HALF A DECADE, but lately, I’m beginning to have serious doubts about your commitment to your customers. These days, it seems like every iOS ‘update’ is really a ‘downdate’, with bugs and glitches that make using my phone harder, not easier. Take the latest one. Ever since I updated to the new iOS, my phone runs slower, has a shorter battery life, and keeps trying to feed my Uber drivers to the ocean gods.

Last week, I almost didn’t install your new ‘update’, because I expected something like this would happen. For some DUMB reason, I decided to give it a shot. Immediately after the download finished, I could tell my phone was running slower. Example: when I tried to open the Uber app, my iPhone froze on the loading screen. I had to EXIT OUT of the app THREE times before I could even get to the main menu. Finally, I was able to click the button to request an UberX, but that’s when I noticed the pin displaying my pickup location was way out in the Pacific Ocean (I was on the corner of 18th and Broadway, not seven miles south of the Cook Islands!!!). When I tried to input my actual location, my phone battery died before I could even cancel the ride. I have no idea what happened to that Uber driver, but I know this software DEFINITELY needs a patch.

This is where my IPhone sent “Rico”.

Not to get preachy, but you guys at Apple shouldn’t take these issues lightly. Most of us use our phones all the time, so faulty software can make a big impact on our lives. Like last Saturday, I was going out to meet friends for dinner, and, like ANY OTHER PERSON WITH A PHONE THAT ISN’T MADE BY APPLE, I typed the address into Uber, expecting no problems. A few minutes later I checked to see how far away my driver was, and I saw that the address I had just entered had been DELETED (!!!!). Not only that, it had been replaced by a new one. “Bubbling, Swirling, Embrace Sunken Doom, Send the Man-Flesh to the Maw of Krakoom”. Ok, no. I was trying to go to “The Cheesecake Factory”. THANKS APPLE!!

So I had to close out of the app—seeing a theme here?—and reopen it. But did my iPHONE load up UBER LIKE A NORMAL PHONE WOULD DO? Oh no. Suddenly, my phone is burning hot, like a handheld FRYING PAN. The battery drops from eighty percent all the way to ten in a nanosecond, and it’s vibrating, requesting Uber after Uber, all on its own. SEA WATER STARTS POURING OUT OF THE CHARGING PORT, and the volume button starts RUSTING BEFORE MY EYES, crusting over with a layer of razor-sharp barnacles. Eventually, I had to just turn it off. APPLE. It’s glitches like this that make me think I might want to switch to Samsung (and yes, I know the Galaxy 7 EXPLODES).

He’s done, right? WRONG. This last one takes the cake. I request an Uber, put in my location, everything seems FINE. When my driver doesn’t show up, I look at my phone, and SURE ENOUGH, my pin is out in the ocean again. But get this! The app was showing that my Uber driver had arrived! The little car was wriggling around on top of a pin somewhere in the GODDAMN ALUETIAN BASIN. So I call my Uber driver to tell him he needs to turn around, and after a few rings, “Domino” picks up. I could barely hear him over bleating, hypnotic fish-song and a deep voice that kept screaming in celebratory roars. “MEAT FOR THE CORAL KING”, “MEAT FOR THE CORAL KING”. This driver had 4.1 stars, so I should have expected something weird, but as I’m trying to shout over all this and explain to Domino to come back and pick me up (and that I don’t deserve to be charged for this nonsense), my phone’s. battery. dies. AGAIN. not. only. THAT. When I tried to turn my iPhone back on, TWO NUDE, THRASHING CRAB LEGS sprouted from the headphone jack and it wriggled OUT OF MY HANDS. I had to kick my phone into a wall to keep it from scuttling down the street (And oh yea, since the glass screen is basically made out of lollipop shavings, IT CRACKED). I mean, Apple, if you can’t get your act together, you are SERIOUSLY AT RISK of losing me as a customer.

I don’t ask for the world. You want to update the phone? Cool. Three things I need. Make sure my phone can’t be hacked. Give me a sunglasses emoji with some side tongue. Give Siri a full romantic consciousness. DON’T MESS WITH ANYTHING ELSE. Especially binding contracts with the lords of the subterranean ocean or WHATEVER THIS IS.

Please update your software IMMEDIATELY or send me a FULL REFUND, including all paid apps and data. Also, please help me negotiate with UBER about the THOUSAND MILE TRIPS I AM BEING CHARGED FOR EVERY DAY.