Finding my Sexuality

There are a lot of identities I’ve gone through with my sexuality and gender. A lot of confusion regarding it. At this point I don’t feel like I need a label, but there has been times in the past I felt like I needed to fit into some sort of community.

I discovered I was attracted to girls when I was 15. I didn’t struggle with it as most unfortunately do because my mom and aunt were very supportive, and I had a really good counsellor in my teen years. At first I didn’t know what to think of myself, but eventually I accepted myself as bisexual. I felt like I had nothing to hide, so soon after I didn’t mind sharing with my friends at school.

There was a point in time where the term ‘transgender’ was new to me. I started to understand what it meant when my counsellor taught me more about it, and there was a point I considered if I was trans myself. I realized that wasn’t the case but even then I didn’t feel truly female. I never really have. I remember times even as a kid I felt more like a boy. But other times like a girl. Eventually I came across the term ‘gender-fluid’, meaning someone who doesn’t think of themselves as one gender. I assumed I was that, but not putting too much thought into it.

The reason I identified with being bi is because, naturally, I had been attracted to boys before and now I found myself attracted to girls. But as I got older I realized how great girls were, and didn’t really find any boys I was attracted to anymore. I was a little confused at this time and thought the only explanation is that I was a lesbian.

Now, I knew I had liked guys in the past. But I figured I had come into myself more or something like that. I came out as gay to the people closest to me, but yet always had that feeling I wasn’t strictly attracted to girls. I somewhat knew I was lying to myself. But I pushed those thoughts away.

Eventually I accepted myself as bi, and let the people close to me know, but most people I let them still think I only liked girls. I couldn’t imagine myself ever dating a man, so I never really corrected them. There is such a dumb stigma around bisexual people, that its only a ‘phase’ and we aren’t true members of the LGBTQ+ community if we date the opposite sex. That’s a big reason I didn’t tell people I was bisexual, which is wrong of me. Sure, I prefer women over men, but once in a blue moon I find a man attractive.

Recently, I read an article about non-binary people. Being non-binary can mean a lot of things, but the part that grabbed my attention was not identifying with a gender and thinking of yourself basically genderless. I don’t really feel male or female. Now, I still don’t understand myself and sometimes I struggle with dysphoria. But this is a step towards finding myself. I have discovered I am not only bisexual but pansexual, meaning not just liking male and female people, but every gender identity.

Like I said, I don’t really need to label myself. I like who I like. Some people like to have a term to identify with, and of course that’s okay. You can be you in every way imaginable. I think anyone who doesn’t ‘believe’ in gay people are ridiculous. We exist. We always have. God doesn’t give a crap if you’re gay, he created you just as you are. You aren’t going to hell or anything like that.

There’s always room for self growth. I encourage you to live your truth, in whatever way that may be. Be yourself. Love yourself. Love others.