After all these years, Emo is still breaking hearts

Gazette File Photo"IT'S LIKE GOING TO A ZOO AND WATCHING A GORILLA, BUT YOU
DON'T WANT TO GO BOWLING WITH IT AFTER." Emo Phillips 2000
explains why fans don't take him to dinner.

By Dale WyattGazette Staff

Are you tired of the same old comedians? Are you looking for something new and exciting?

Look no further.

Now introducing the newest product in the comedy market  the Emo Philips 2000. The new Emo has many of the same features of the old Emo, but above all, he comes complete with a brand new image.

"The image is very year 2000. It's sleek. Kind of like a cross between John Travolta and the Tinman. I'm really hip, very cool, very streamline. I can run a lot quicker now. Actually, I run the same speed, " Philips admits.

Okay, so he's not faster, but that's beside the point.

He's just as witty and charismatic as ever. The Emo 2000 has the basic features one would expect to find in a comedic legend, such as a humorously traumatic childhood.

"You know people like Richard Pryor and George Carlin, the bullies would try to beat them up, then they would make the bullies laugh and get out of a beating. Well, I was never quite that funny.

"I was clever enough to insult them and get them angry, but I wasn't clever enough to get out of it. I was always picked on in college and in high school, as a child and as a fetus. I was the only fetus that got kicked back," the comedian jokes.

Are you satisfied yet?

Well, you will be after adding to this already hilarious mix a new, sexy haircut sure to drive the women crazy. Even better, Emo 2000 is even reported to drive the men wild.

"I have broken quite a few hearts and not all [were] intentional either. One of my wife's friends is gay and he had me on his bedroom wall when he was a teenager, so you never think of yourself performing that kind of service. I am like the Rita Hayworth of the comedy world  he held up my poster with one hand as they say. As long as I can make people happy in any capacity, that's all I care about."

Emo 2000 is better than your average comedian. He's sarcastic, mysterious, dangerous and delivers it all with a signature style and squeaky voice.

"When I was younger, I would always get stopped by the police for walking down the street without a reason. I liked to go for long walks between midnight and 4 a.m.. Once I was picked up for being a peeping Tom and they would always fingerprint me, but I never did anything," Emo insists.

"I was always suspicious. I looked like [the people in] those signs in the neighbourhood warning for suspicious characters. It was really stupid to always wear that Boris Badenough outfit to begin with. You know, that trench coat, the stupid fake mustache and the spy hat? I should have dressed like that safety dog  people would have given me milk."

So, not only do you get the rough childhood, the new look and the mysterious persona, for a limited time only, you can also get a glimpse of the lonely, sad and tender side of Emo 2000.

"People never talk to me. For whatever reason, I don't get the Emo 'please have dinner with us' kind of thing other comics do. They laugh quite a bit at me, then they just kind of leave the other way. I don't know, I'm kind of offended now that you mention it.

"It's like going to a zoo and watching a gorilla, but you don't want to go bowling with it after. I guess that's how I am with people. Screw the restraining order."

What else do you need to hear?

Emo 2000 is superior to his predecessor in every aspect. In fact, you're lucky he is set to hit London tonight for a show at downtown's YukYuk's. So what does Emo 2000 have to say about returning to town with his new look?

"I am very excited. I love London  it's a really nice place and I think it's so cool your town is named after it. I just want everyone to see my show and walk out afterwards saying 'well we got that over with.'"

Emo 2000, don't you want to see what all the hype is about?

Photo
by Ed Edahl"I WAS THE ONLY FETUS THAT GOT KICKED BACK." The 'old' Emo is
depicted portraying his sincere side.

Emo Philips brings the funny train to town tonight at Yuk Yuk's. Doors open @ 8:30 p.m.. Call 850-5233 to make reservations.