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Monday, August 2, 2010

SarahMom to Charles Avi Edward KingBorn June 14th, 2009 and left us June 15th, 2009Lafayette, IN

Our story begins in the Fall of 2008 when I first found out I was pregnant. We were elated at the thought of welcoming our first into the world. That period of our life though was far from easy and before we ever had the chance to tell my fiance's mother, she passed away in a horrific accident. The news of his coming was a light in our lives and kept us grounded. My pregnancy progressed with ease and around 30 weeks we found out we were having a little baby boy, our Avi.

During the end of my pregnancy I had been experiencing some fluid leakage and had been tested several times to see if it was amnoitic fluid. All tests were negative. Several days before I experienced labor pains I experienced large amounts of fluid. I contacted my OB's office several times within that period to alert them, their responses were all, "don't worry about it until you have contractions." Only July 13, 2009 I experienced contractions. They again were very lax about the situation and told me to come in when the contractions were three minutes apart. By then, I could no longer take "no" for an answer.

So we quickly went to the ER regardless of their advice. Upon arriving the OB on call checked my cervix. My water had already broken but my cervix was only slightly dilated. This meaning that my water could have broken in any time period between that morning and a few days prior. I was mortified, especially when the doctor was angry with me for not coming in. Before I could answer, they also found out that the cord was wrapping around his throat three times.

His heart rate was dropping. My sweet baby had been in this state without the cushion of amnoitic fluid, he was being suffocated. I was rushed to the operating room, where an emergency c-section was performed. When he arrived into this world he was silent and my heart stopped.

Within a minute, maybe two or three I heard one soft cry. At the time it was a glimmer of hope.

He was rushed to the NICU and myself, to the recovery area. So many thoughts raced through my mind. Thoughts of guilt, thoughts of blame, but mostly my thoughts and heart were with my little one struggling to survive.

After several hours they stabilized him. The first time I saw him, my arms ached to hold him. I could do nothing in my power to comfort him. Continually, throughout the day, my little Avi pulled out his IVs. He kicked and fussed. Oh, how I wanted to comfort him. He would see comfort soon though, but not in a way I could ever want.

Around 12AM, June 15, 2009 we received a call from the NICU. "He isn't doing well." I rushed to his bedside, there was no squirming anymore, and there was no kicking. They had given him a heavy dose of morphine. He was dying and he was laying there motionless, paralyzed by his painkillers.

We held him and cried. We said our goodbyes and sang him his song. My family and I spent the next few hours with him. It was unbearable to give him to the nurse, the last time I choose to ever see him again.

I grieve my son, I grieve the life I would have had with him, I grieve my peace of mind, and I grieve the fact that I can no longer be a mother. So many things are taken from you when your child leaves you. When you meet them you are full of so much love and hope…and in a brief second those hopes can be ripped away from you. I cannot think of any pain more unbearable then the pain of a mother who has lost apart of them.

But within the pain there is some healing. Avi has given me motivation in life that I never had before. Avi has given others a greater appreciation for their own loved ones. But most importantly, though here for a short time, I experienced the greatest joy I have ever had in my
entire life merely by being able to be his mother for 10 months. That is the greatest, most humbling honor.