I know I'm gay. But I just can't be out of the closet because it would feel like betraying everyone I love and care for. I get by most of the time but sometimes it just hurts so bad because I can't really be me and be with anyone I could love. I've had a lot of girl crushes and even fell for my bestfriend. Getting over her was like hell but I got through. I needed to get over her coz she's married and a homophobe. I was able to suppress my true self by being very busy with work and my career. I got into a scholarship in an Ivy League school and went away to try a new environment. Now that I'm away, I saw this woman whom I think is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. I don't know her at all, I just saw her for a week while working on a certain project for a theater group. She's one of the main cast and I'm in production team. She was like an angel when I saw her dance. I never had the courage to say hi even during the final night of the show. I know I'm never gonna see her again but I just can't get her out of my mind. I think she gave life again to everything I've been longing for but she is way out of my league. I've always known that I can't even be friends with her but I can't get her out of my head. She woke up all kinds of feelings that I've always been trying to suppress. So how do I get over her? How can I hide again? The longing gets worse sometimes, I can't breathe. :(