Hardly Working / Phantom Misses Sarah (Part 2)

Script

Hardly Working: Phantom Misses Sarah (Part 2)

By Streeter Seidell

EXT. STREET
Sarah walks down the street listening to music. Phantom
appears behind her and throws a bag over her head. She SCREAMS
as Phantom pulls her into a van. The door is locked and
Phantom has to struggle with the keys to get it open. He
finally does, throws Sarah inside and they drive off.
INT. PHANTOM'S LAIR
It's a dank, dark room. Sarah is tied to a chair. Phantom
sharpens a knife. Phantom pulls the bag from her head.
SARAH
PHANTOM! What. The. Fuck?!
PHANTOM
Why the harsh vibes, chicken
little?
SARAH
That made no sense and...Jesus, is
that a knife? Are you finally going
to try to kill me?!
Phantom laughs.
PHANTOM
This? NO! Ha! It's for my butchery.
I would never carve up a woman like
some Jack the Ripper impersonator!
Phantom turns to put the knife back on his butcher's table.
PHANTOM
(sotto, devious)
I burn them...
SARAH
What?
Phantom turns back around.
PHANTOM
Nothing. Now, tell me, Syrah,
wherefor art thou?
SARAH
Haven't you -
PHANTOM
Shakespeare! The bard! Which is
actually a contraction of
Besmirched Retard, which is what we
called him.
SARAH
Great. I haven't worked at
CollegeHumor in like a year! I got
a new job.
PHANTOM
What are they paying you? I can
match it! I can beat it!
Phantom turns and begins to unroll a Van Gogh painting in a
Louvre case.
SARAH
It's not about money, Phantom!
He puts the painting back.
PHANTOM
Fine then. I have no choice but to
keep you here, locked in my crypt,
forever. You and Amelia will hit it
off.
SARAH
Amelia?
PHANTOM
She had a heart for the air, but a
body for the catacomb.
Sarah tries to wriggle free
PHANTOM
Ha! Wriggle about, you worm on a
hook!
SARAH
You're sick!
Reveal Phantom has an actual worm on a hook.
PHANTOM
Wha?
SARAH
Oh, you really have a worm on a
hook.
PHANTOM
A man needs a pet.
SARAH
Look, Phantom, I've moved on, OK? I
have a new job now. And I have new
friends, but I'll always love you
guys. Not Pat, really, but the rest
of you. And we can still hang out!
Just, please, let me go.
PHANTOM
I can't do that, Syrah. I just
can't.
Phantom lights a torch. OMINOUS MUSIC
SARAH
(freaking out, crying)
Phantom, no! What are you doing?!
Please! I have a pet cat who needs
me!
Phantom chuckles a little
PHANTOM
(to self)
Cat lady...
SARAH
And a boyfriend who loves me! And -
END MUSIC
PHANTOM
Say what now?
SARAH
I have a boyfriend who loves me.
I've had a boyfriend for, like,
ever.
Phantom puts the torch in a bucket and snuffs it out.
PHANTOM
For real?
SARAH
How did you not know that?
PHANTOM
I guess I never asked. Well, you're
free to go!
SARAH
Really?
Phantom unties her.
PHANTOM
Damaged goods. I ain't trying to get
some clown's sloppy seconds.
SARAH
I mean, I'm still pretty attractive
and -
PHANTOM
Peace up outta this bitch, Syrah! I
ain't trying to shop at the
Goodwill. I ain't trying to chew
some ABC gum. I ain't trying to
drive that certified pre-owned
booty. I ain't -
SARAH
I GET IT! Are you only interested
in virgins or something?
PHANTOM
(Using Sarah's voice)
How did you not know that?
Sarah is surprised.
PHANTOM
I've been working on impressions.
Sarah walks to the door. She turns, dramatically.
SARAH
Is this it for us, Phantom? Will I
ever see you again?
Reveal Phantom is on Facebook, not paying attention.
PHANTOM
(to self)
Why is there no sexual experience
filter on this...What?
SARAH
Nothing.
She leaves. Phantom is still on Facebook.
PHANTOM
(to self)
Ugh, timeline. I need a goddamn
cover photo now.