Judging Others - And Yourself

We should always give others – and ourselves – the benefit of the doubt.

We often make the mistake in our religious lives of thinking that unless we do everything perfectly, it's better not to do anything at all. After all, we think, why be a hypocrite?

In my seminar, "How to Raise a Mensch," I mention that you should never punish a child in a state of anger. Now let's say that I invite you to my home the next Friday night following the class. You come to enjoy a nice Shabbat meal, but during the course of the evening my children really begin to act up. (Yes, even the rabbi's children misbehave.) I try to patiently discipline them, distract them, bribe them – and then I lose my temper. Seething with anger, I punish them.

On the way home you say to yourself, "Is she ever a hypocrite! Just this week she taught us that you should never punish out of anger, and tonight she did just that."

Hypocrites do not put something into action because they never believed it in the first place.

Am I a hypocrite? Hypocrites say something, and do not put it into action because they never believed it in the first place. When I said that you shouldn't punish with anger, I believed it. The fact that I lost my temper on Friday night does not make me a hypocrite; it makes me a human being who is trying to live my beliefs as best as I can.

If I make a mistake raising my children, do I say, "Oh no! I lost my temper. I guess I'd better give them to the neighbor to raise?"

No. I calm down, try to smooth things over, and start again.

If you're on a diet and you sneak a donut, is it right to say, "I might as well eat the whole box?"

Definitely not.

Yet when it comes to Judaism, we often say that if we can't do it all, we might as well not do any of it. This idea is a mistake. Every mitzvah that we do, every act of kindness, every recognition of God is forever – even if we err the minute before and the minute after.

Sometimes in life you may take three steps forward and two steps back. But at least you're making progress!

Effort and Success

We have our ideals – not to yell at our children, to greet everyone with a smile, to judge people kindly, to remember there is a God above us – but it's hard to live up to them. God understands that. He created us. He is not surprised when we make mistakes.

God wants us to make the effort, whether we succeed or not.

Our sages say: "According to the pain is the reward" (Avot 5:26). This means that the reward is for trying, not accomplishing. All God wants is for us to make the effort, whether we succeed or not. God doesn't expect perfection, but He does expect us to try to understand life, to make decisions based on our values and not on whims and feelings, and to strive to live with those decisions.

Our sages ask, what is the difference between a good person and a wicked person?

The answer: "A good person falls seven times, a wicked person only once" (Proverbs, 24:16). A good person falls and then gets back up, again, and again, and again. But a wicked person falls and never gets up.

Making mistakes cannot be avoided. But what we learn from those mistakes, and how we live our lives afterward is the true test of every human being.

Judging Others

Our sages ask, when are you allowed to judge another person? The answer: Never. The explanation given is as follows:

Who says your blood is redder than his? (Talmud - Sanhedrin 74a)

In other words, we do not know who is more beloved in the eyes of God. We don't know who is really the better person, the homeless person or the cancer scientist. We don't know what challenges God may have given someone growing up. We meet people in the middle of their life stories, in "Chapter 3." We have no idea what went on in Chapter 1 and Chapter 2, and we certainly don't know what lies ahead in Chapters 4, 5 and 6.

Yet we are so quick to judge. A person who seems at a low point may in fact have worked very hard to overcome hardship and reach even this level. Others, although they may look righteous and accomplished, may be using only a tiny portion of their talents and skills.

Things that don't come naturally are much more important in terms of self- actualization.

How often have people praised you for something that comes naturally and takes little effort on your part? Perhaps it's an artistic ability or language fluency. Yet other areas of your life that may not come so naturally take a much greater amount of pain and effort. They may not be the areas that shine and attract attention, but you know, and God knows, that they are much more important in terms of self-actualization.

Jewish tradition it says we can't judge someone "unless we've arrived in his or her place." And since we can never be in exactly the same place and life circumstance as another person, we are never allowed to judge anyone.

But this doesn't mean we should be so open-minded that we blindly accept anyone or anything. We can't judge a person, but we can judge actions. Even when people make mistakes, we can still see the best in them, love them, and care for them in spite of their mistakes. We do see this with our children. Who knows their flaws better than we do? Yet we choose to love them.

Only God can truly judge a person, and His judgment is unique to the individual, not based on a formula. Maimonides said that a person may achieve one merit that could outweigh a lifetime of mistakes.

Infinite Potential

What is the first attribute that God uses to judge a person? It is the learning of life wisdom. But that does not mean that the first step in judgment is based on how much we know. It is based on our learning, on how hard we tried to find out what was right. God doesn't expect perfection, but He does expect us to try, in every aspect of our lives.

Don't let one mistake diminish the good person that you know that you are.

Our Sages teach, "Do not regard yourself as a wicked person." This means it is a mistake even to judge ourselves. We all err in judgment, but each one of us is created in God's image, and to label ourselves "stupid," "bad," or "worthless," is counter to His plan. Each person was created with infinite potential.

When you make a mistake, stop, clear it up, and get back on track. Don't let one mistake diminish the good person that you know that you are and the greatness that God knows you can achieve.

As an exercise, think back to your favorite relative. How did your loved one look at others? Did they give others the benefit of the doubt? Did they make an effort to judge others favorably? What was their own sense of self-worth?

Try to remember a story from their life that illustrates these ideals. And then live with it!

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Lori Palatnik is a writer and Jewish educator who has appeared on television and radio. She is the Founding Director of The Jewish Women's Renaissance Project, an international initiative that brings thousands of women to Israel each year from 18 different countries on highly subsidized programs to inspire them with the beauty and wisdom of their heritage (www.jwrp.org). She is a much sought-after international speaker, having lectured in the U.S., Canada, Mexico, U.K., Central America, South America, South Africa and Israel, including featured talks at Yale, Brown and Penn. She lives in the Washington, D.C. area with her husband, Rabbi Yaakov Palatnik, and is the busy mother of five children, ages 25 to 15.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 9

(9)
Miriam,
September 17, 2010 11:12 AM

Incredible

Thank you!

(8)
SARA,
September 6, 2007 9:12 AM

Liked the one about finding true friendship.This made me realise that actually i had never found a true friend.That even the man i had isvested all my hopes in was a mere hypocrit.Thanks to Aish.com for that wonderful information.God bless you.

(7)
Georgina Taylor,
May 23, 2005 12:00 AM

Hello!

I just wanted to let you know that Lori Palatnik's essay "Judging Others - And Yourself" was incredible. I loved it because not only did it provide such fascinating insights, but it solidifies ideas that I had known in a more abstract, indefinite way before. I've never felt so strongly toward an essay - but for this one I am genuinly in awe of how it captures what I also believe to be reality. I'm in love with this essay, and plan on reading Lori's other work as soon as I get home (I'm currently at school working on essay about ethics).

Congratulations to Lori and you guys for the great site!!

Georgina Taylor

(6)
Anonymous,
February 19, 2003 12:00 AM

Great article

Thank you for clarifying this point which seems to get foggy sometimes. Important reminder for all of us not to be quick to judge and to look at the effort more than the acheivement as "our acheivement"!

(5)
Manuel,
September 28, 2002 12:00 AM

Another way to see it

Great remarks, my stepdaugther behaviour sometimes annoys me but after this article I am going to begin to look at her in another way

She is a teen, in fact....

(4)
Scott Edelman,
August 27, 2002 12:00 AM

Judge Favorably

Our Sages say in Pirke Avos that we should judge others - judge them favorably!

(3)
Asher de Metz,
August 22, 2002 12:00 AM

Excellent piece as usual from Aish. It touched me in many ways. Thankyou!

Excellent piece as usual from Aish. It touched me in many ways. Thankyou!

(2)
TJ,
August 19, 2002 12:00 AM

Very Soul Searching

This article has touched me greatly,

and the truth of it only shows my faults

and desire to change.

(1)
roxanne perri,
August 19, 2002 12:00 AM

great article

Terrific advice on not judging others. Thanks for the reconfirmation. Roxanne

I want to know about the concept of "sin" due to Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of Knowledge. The Christian concept of sin revolves around the fall of the man and the "original sin." Does Judaism view it the same way?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Adam and Eve were punished according to their actions. In other words, God laid down the conditions for Adam and Eve to live in the garden, provided they would not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. However, if they were to eat from that tree they would be punished by experiencing death. (If they had not eaten from the tree, they would have remained immortal.)

This sets down the basic principle in Judaism of Reward and Punishment. Basic to this is that every person has the choice of doing good or bad. When a person chooses "good" – as defined by God – he is able to draw close to God. In other words, every individual has a chance to "gain salvation" through his own actions.

My understanding of Christianity, however, is that the Original Sin has infected all of mankind to the point where individuals are incapable of achieving salvation through their own initiative. Man is "totally depraved" and therefore his only hope of salvation is through the cross.

This belief is contrary to the teachings of Judaism. From the Torah perspective, an individual does not need to rely on anyone else to atone for them. In Judaism, sins can be "erased" altogether by sincere repentance and a firm resolution never to repeat the mistakes.

For more on this, read "Their Hollow Inheritances" by Michael Drazin – www.drazin.com

Yahrtzeit of Moses in 1273 BCE (Jewish year 2488), on the same day of his birth 120 years earlier. (Consequently, "May you live to 120" has become a common Jewish blessing.) Moses was born in Egypt at a time when Pharaoh had decreed that all Jewish baby boys be drowned in the Nile River. His mother set him afloat in a reed basket, where he was -- most ironically -- discovered by Pharaoh's daughter and brought to Pharaoh's palace to be raised. When Moses matured, his heart turned to aid the Jewish people; he killed an Egyptian who was beating a Jew, and he fled to Midian where he married and had two sons. God spoke to Moses at the Burning Bush, instructing him to return to Egypt and persuade Pharaoh to "let My people go." Moses led the Jews through the ten plagues, the Exodus, and the splitting of the Red Sea. Seven weeks later, the Jews arrived at Mount Sinai and received the Torah, the only time in human history that an entire nation experienced Divine revelation. Over the next 40 years, Moses led the Jews through wanderings in the desert, and supervised construction of the Tabernacle. Moses died before being allowed to enter the promised Land of Israel. He is regarded as the greatest prophet of all time.

Lack of gratitude is at the root of discontent. In order to be consistently serene, we must master the attribute of being grateful to the Creator for all His gifts. As the Torah (Deuteronomy 26:11) states, "Rejoice with all the good the Almighty has given you." This does not negate our wanting more. But it does mean that we have a constant feeling of gratitude since as long as we are alive, we always have a list of things for which to be grateful.

[Just before Moses' death] God said to him, "This is the Land that I promised to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob" (Deuteronomy 34:4).

The Midrash says that Moses pleaded to live long enough to be able to enter the Promised Land. He surrendered his soul only after God instructed him to enter Heaven and inform the Patriarchs that the Israelites had come to their Land and that God had indeed fulfilled His promise to give the Land of Israel to their descendants. To fulfill God's will was dearer to Moses than his craving to enter the Land.

It is only natural to cling to life, and the thought of leaving this world is depressing. However, if a person develops the attitude that he lives only in order to fulfill God's will, then life and death are no longer polar opposites, because he lives to do the will of God, and when that will requires that he leave this world, he will be equally obedient.

The seventh day of Adar is the anniversary of Moses' death. He wanted to enter the Promised Land so that he could fulfill the commandments and thereby have a new opportunity to fulfill the Divine wish. He surrendered his soul willingly when he was told that there was a special commandment for him to perform, one that could only be achieved after leaving this earth.

We refer to Moses as Rabbeinu, our teacher. He not only taught us didactically, but by means of everything he did in his life - and by his death, as well.

Today I shall...

try to dedicate my life to fulfilling the will of God, so that even when that will contradicts my personal desires, I can accept it with serenity.

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