Why this mum stopped whisper-fighting with her husband

We used to calmly spell out things in front of each other (“You are acting like an a-s-s-”). Then our eldest learnt to spell.

The clue is in the phrase: whisper fighting. It’s still fighting.

I recently took stock of the ways in which intense discussions are had within earshot of our children. And decided that we need to change it up.

Because our notion of arguing in hushed tones has now been superseded by both the age of our eldest child and both my children's magical perceptiveness. In short: they know what arguing is, despite the decibel level.

We don't always agree

Though we are private people, I will put my hand up and admit that as two adults, we don't always see eye to eye. There are occasions, though not frequently, that we have differing opinions and need to work things out.

These discussions can start over something as simple as the brand of tuna we purchased - “this is not marked as dolphin safe! Think of the dolphins!”

Or they can catapult from a discussion about whose family is hosting Christmas this year (said discussion being in February).

Then there was the time we argued about loud chewing noises. And whether tea-towel flicking wars in front of the kids set a bad example. I may have once launched my wedding ring into our fish tank as a dramatic show of stubbornness.

The good news is, our arguments stem from mundane "being in the trenches of early childhood in our household" slash "there are not enough hours in the day" scenarios.

They are not over serious matters, and we still appreciate each other’s efforts and recognise why we partnered up in the first place. (I mean, he vacuums our pavers. And is a total feminist.)

We used to calmly spell out things in front of each other (“You are acting like an a-s-s-”). Then our eldest learnt to spell. That tactic had to be retired.

We don’t have a pantry. Or a huge house. So, our hushed tones were typically taken into the laundry, backyard, or another nook.

Kids are really perceptive

But it dawned on me: our children - and I assume most, if not all, children - are very perceptive from birth. Think back to when you used to silently reverse away from your sleeping baby, not breathing, and praying that you didn't tread on a squeaky toy.

Or when you’ve just gone to the toilet solo, and from the other end of the house, your toddler drops what they are doing and charges in, Braveheart style, roaring. Because they sensed you had snuck off to be alone. They are like velociraptors. Brilliant therapods who can detect the slightest shift in movement.

In short, kids don’t miss a thing. When I realised this, I looked into what my favourite child psychologist, Dr Laura Markham writes about feuding in front of the kids.

"Is it ever okay for parents to disagree in front of kids? Yes! It's terrific for children to see adults disagree with each other respectfully, and ask for what they need without making the other person wrong," Dr Markham writes. "Even when tempers get a little hot, if you can resolve things quickly and your children see you repair and reconnect, you're modeling the resilience of relationships.

We are raising our girls in a happy, safe environment in which we don’t want to add additional stress. So, husband and I have agreed that when we do need to 'have words', we will not channel the 'silent funeral fight' from The Other Guys.

Some strategies to stop the whisper fights

At our eldest child’s school, they have a big colourful chart called ‘the wheel of choice’. The wheel of choice means you choose a positive way to resolve conflict from a list of choices. We will totally be wheel-of-choicing-it, and demonstrating resilience to our girls.

Another method that we have found works really well: if the direction of our discussion is heading into negative territory, we simply say "this is boring" loudly. Because really, it is. This also seems to evoke giggles from our kids.

Why waste 13 minutes arguing about who forgot to book the council hard rubbish pick up (me), when that time could be spent doing much cooler things?

Thirteen minutes is at least two bedtime stories, lots of cuddles or half an episode of something on Netflix.

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