Wild Cherry

Overview - A high school senior decides to lose her virginity to her boyfriend, the football team's kicker. But when she discovers that his only interest is getting her name in the team's "bang book," she and her friends plot revenge.

Story ReviewStoryline: Our Reviewer's Take

0 Stars out of 5

'Wild Cherry' is, perhaps, the most insulting "comedy" I've ever had to sit through. It's insulting to women, to laughing, and to brains. For some reason this movie thinks that the more in your face the gross-out moments are the more we'll laugh. That convulsing in your mid-section isn't laughing, however. You may need a bucket nearby, because you're going to be sick.

This movie exists in a fantasy world where it thinks- no, believes with every fiber of its being, that it's a movie about women taking the power back from men. Empowering themselves and standing up for what they believe in. I really think that director Dana Lustig (yes, a woman actually directed this misogynistic piece of filth, go figure) thinks that 'Wild Cherry' stands triumphant as a solitary fist thrust into the air for girls everywhere. Thinking that isn't only idiotic, it's dangerous.

Let me explain. Katlyn (Rumer Willis), Helen (Tania Raymonde), and Trish (Kristin Cavallari) all go to the same high school. They're all virgins. This school's group of miscreant football players has a book. In this book they list all of the high school's virgins. How they actually come into possession of this knowledge is never discussed. They just know, and the book knows. In some cockamamie scheme, they have a stupid tradition that they must deflower every girl before the big game. Or they'll lose. The idiotic assumption that these girls' virginity is less important than a stupid high school football game isn't the worst part of this movie. Just wait.

The girls find out about the book and decide to do something about it. They're going to hold their ground and not give it up. Good for them right? Wrong. They don't really do much to stop the advances of the men. Actually, they kind of like it. Even though they know what these guys are up to, it's like they're powerless against their chauvinistic presence.

I'm going to cut to the end, because thinking about this movie gives me the creeps. It wasn't when Rob Schneider laid out numerous forms of contraception on the table and began to explain to his daughter, Helen, how they all worked, "This is a diaphragm, and this gel… umm…kills his spooge," (His words, not mine) that disgusted me the most. It wasn't when the girls met with a feminist Tia Carrere and actually sang a song together where they chanted "power of the pussy." It wasn't even when one of the football players decided it would be funny to make ice cubes out of his own sperm, so we were treated to a montage of him pleasuring himself into an ice cube tray (although, that scene ranks near the top of Contemptible Movie Scenes that Make Me Want to Vomit list). The idea that has me the most infuriated is the notion that these women actually have to apologize at the end for treating the boys the way they did.

Wait, so let's rewind this a bit. The guys have a book with the school's virgins listed down. Their goal is to take that virginity away from them by any means possible. The girls know about this book and make it (slightly) more difficult for the guys to complete their moronic task. Then, in one of the most misogynistic scenes I've ever witnessed on film, Helen gets up at the football game and APOLOGIZES to the guys because they're losing their precious game. She APOLOGIZES to them. You have got to be kidding me!

This movie has been about a group of barbaric teenagers who forcibly attempt to take the virginity of the school's girls. A group of guys who have absolutely no redeeming values locked away inside of them. And the main female character is apologizing to them for not giving it up when they most needed it. It was silly of her to keep this senseless virginity thing to herself. What was she thinking? Why didn't she take one for the team? Why didn't she give it up for the betterment of the school, the team, and society. Silly her. Silly girl.

What an insulting piece of work 'Wild Cherry' is. It's bad when Rob Schneider isn't the worst aspect of your movie, it's even worse when your movie is disguised as feminist empowerment, directed by a woman, and then in the end becomes a middle finger to women everywhere. What a savage, unnecessary movie. Its only saving grace is the fact that it didn't have enough money to be seen by people in theaters. Sure, the writing team is made up of guys whose credits include cinematic gems such as 'Air Bud' and an assortment of unknown TV movies, but ultimately this lands in the lap of Lustig. It is unfathomable to me that a woman directed a movie like this. For shame. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to burn my copy out of respect for women everywhere.

The Blu-ray: Vital Disc Stats

Image Entertainment has pressed 'Wild Cherry' onto a BD-25 Blu-ray Disc and housed it in a standard Blu-ray case.

Video Review

2 Stars out of 5

'Wild Cherry' is a movie filmed in 2009 that looks like it was filmed in 1989. The entire presentation is soft and just as ugly as the movie itself. Edges are undefined. Color is lackluster. Mid-range photography is a murky mess of vague images. The movie boasts a 1080p picture, but only in the sense that it states that on the back cover. Otherwise you'd never be able to tell.

Some detail is seen in faces during close ups, but not as much as in other clearer presentations. Detail in lacey bras is average at best. Color seems like it's been boosted to give it that ever-so-popular comedy look, but it comes across as cheesy and ugly.

There's nothing about this presentation that screams HD. It's soft, noisy, and just another reason why you shouldn't ever think about buying it.

Audio Review

2.5 Stars out of 5

It's DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 mix is average at best.

There isn't anything to get excited about. The best the movie's sound presentation does is gives you a hint of surround during the football game when people are tackled. The crowd is subdued. Dialogue is hazy and soft. Panning effects are non-existent.

Like the video, the audio underwhelms at every turn. There's nothing more to say about it, other than you'll be sorry if you wind up picking up this title.

Special Features

0 Stars out of 5

There are none. Thank heavens!

Final Thoughts

I've hated movies before. I've even loathed them, but 'Wild Cherry' belongs somewhere in the seventh circle of movie hell. This movie, owing to its message, what it stands for, and the fact that it's dreadfully unfunny, deserves to be burned whenever possible. Only buy this movie if you plan to rid the world of as many copies as possible. What a flagrant slap in the face to women everywhere. I'd be able to understand – just a little – if this movie was made by an idiotic man, but it wasn't. It was directed by a woman who thinks she's doing women everywhere a favor. She isn't. 'Wild Cherry' isn't only an insult to comedy, it's an insult to women everywhere.

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