How To Handle Baby Name Regret

A few weeks after I gave birth to my second daughter, I looked at that precious little girl and thought to myself, “I love you so much and I really don’t like your name.” There was nothing wrong with the name exactly. I just didn’t love it. And it wasn’t her.

During my pregnancy, I never paid much attention to our choice of girl’s name. Because I just knew in my heart, I was having a boy. It just felt like a boy and how could a mother be wrong? This mother was very wrong.

I didn’t tell anyone about my baby name regret. But I never called my daughter by her name. I mostly called her “the baby.” I would bristle when others called her by her name which is ridiculous because what else were they supposed to call her? My hope was that I would just get used to the name and I was too exhausted from taking care of a newborn and a toddler to figure out what to do.

But after 6 months, I burst.

I finally confided to a friend, “I really don’t like my daughter’s name and I don’t know what to do about it.” And then I started crying.

I looked for signs that she thought I should be in a mental institution. But she was very supportive. I was relieved. Maybe I wasn’t crazy after all?! Telling my husband was more difficult.

“What do you mean it isn’t her name? Of course it’s her name! That’s what I’ve been calling her,” he responded completely confused.

But it wasn’t her name. And I should have spoken up months earlier. He finally agreed to change it. We renamed our daughter Summer and I knew it was perfect. Was it awkward to change my kid’s name at 8 months?! Hell yes. But I never regretted my decision. Not for once second.

Not every mom makes this choice.

An online acquaintance, Melissa Banks (name has been changed), told me how she regretted her daughter’s name the minute she announced it. By six months, she was convinced they needed to change it but her husband loved it. “A part of me also believed only ‘crazy’ people change their kid’s name so I felt totally trapped. I had to remind myself there wasn’t a right or wrong choice, just a different road to be taken,” Banks says.

By the time Banks and her husband came up with a new name, she felt like her daughter had grown into her original name so they decided to stick with it. But Banks does think moms should be given more time to hold, feed and get to know their baby before being pressured into picking a name.

“The hospital comes in with the paperwork before you even get a second to shower after labor!”

Not only should you take time to get to know your baby a bit before settling on a name but make sure you love the name. This can be difficult when moms and dads disagree on what to call a child. Now that I’m pregnant again, my husband texts me with the most ridiculous ideas for names so this could once again be a challenge.

And if you do have feelings of baby name regret, open up about it to your spouse and friends as soon as possible. You are not crazy (I promise!) and you will find the right answer for you and your family. Feel free to contact me and I will assure you that it is perfectly normal to feel this way and you will find a solution.

As for Summer (who is now 6), her old name is part of her history. In fact, her siblings get jealous that they don’t have a former name. She loves to tell people that she wasn’t always named Summer and I just know that as a rebellious teen, she’ll probably threaten to change it back. But for me, she’ll always be my Summer.

About the author

Kelcey Kintner writes the humor blog, The Mama Bird Diaries and co-founded the cheeky advice site, The Mouthy Housewives. This Columbia Journalism School graduate also drives a gold minivan because you can't fit five kids on a Vespa. An award winning journalist, she still secretly longs to be an Olympic ice skater. You can follow her on Twitter @mamabirddiaries.

I can completely relate to your story. Only you seem stronger about it than I am. I had a very difficult time naming my 1st daughter and when we found out we were having another girl, it was even harder. The 1st time we chose a name right before she was born, and I was happy with our choice. The 2nd time we names her when she was a day old. The next day I wasn’t happy with it but my husband was. A week later I was still unhappy but he thought it would just take me time to get used to it. My family and friends all LOVED the name. I get compliments all the time. Now she’s one and I still have the same regret. I feel guilt and sadness about it. I worry about changing it. It’s hard even for me to get used to calling her something else and I worry she will not like that we changed it either. My husband is tired of hearing about it. I don’t know what to do!

This is the first time ive ever actually admitted it out loud, but I dont like my sons name either. And the sad part is that he is almost 4. Im sure that makes me a terrible mother. I guess I just always thought I would get used to it. I tried switching it around and calling him nicknames, etc. I just never found a nickname that I loved. Most of the time I just call him my “angel” or “baby.” I feel horrible about it. I think he knows what his name is. But im sure it confuses him sometimes that I never call him by his name that much. I feel terrible :/

For the first 4 years of my life, everyone called me by my middle name – then my Mom felt that name was not right for me and asked everyone to switch to my first name (after asking me if that was ok). It’s never too late – I’ve turned out just fine (I hope ;))

It’s funny how strongly some people feel about names. My husband and I haven’t agreed much, so what we do is we each pick a name and then leave it up to hair color. When my third was born we couldn’t agree on a boy’s name. I picked a name for a dark haired boy and he picked a name for a light haired boy. He had light hair, so my husband got him name. We obviously had to be ok with each other’s choices. I’m so glad my husband got his pick, because now I love his name.

We used traditional family names for both kids, with less traditional nicknames. I messed up the communication of it w our son Thomas–I was embarrassed that the nickname we wanted to use, Tuck, was also the name of my husband’s grad school. So we started w Tucker on the birth announcement, and used it for about 5-6 months. I HATED it (just not right for him or us) and of course he got everything from blankets to a stool personalized as gifts. Plus I’ve spent the last 2 years trying to get everyone to switch to the nickname we always intended to use. We were much more careful w our daughter!

With our second, she was unnamed for four days. My parents, the hospital, my friends were all pressuring us to chose her name, but nothing felt right. We needed to get to know this little person a bit before choosing her name. I’m so glad that we stood up to all the pressure to find the right name for her.

I completely agree with this! It is weird beyond weird to me how people “announce” what their child will be named before they even meet this person, but maybe that is because my own parents always waited until they met us kids to name us. To be quite honest it kind of worries/bugs me when parents announce the name ahead of time.

Of course, my parents had ideas and lists of names they liked in mind, but they said they did not know for several days after I was born what I should be named for sure. Like “Lisanam,” my parents were pressured a lot by the hospital and family to name me quickly, but I am really glad they took that time! I have always loved my name and felt it suited me in all ages/stages of my life. It’s just me!

I really enjoyed the honesty in this article. I have always wondered if any parents felt regret after naming their child so soon and without meeting him/her. Thanks for the insight!

I had a few doubts after my little girl was born, but had chosen family names that I loved for both her first and middle names. How could I go to my family and say I had changed my mind? Plus, in my religion the baby is given the name in a ceremony, and we had already done that too! But here we are, she’s 8 months old, and I LOVE her names! I’m glad I didn’t change them!

I’m one of those annoying women who name their babies in utero! My first daughter’s name was one my husband and I both loved and announced when we found out that she was a girl. My third child, a boy, we named after my father and grandfather (with a different nickname) and announced with the 20 week ultrasound as well.

My middle daughter was harder. At 20 weeks we still hadn’t decided on a name, but found out that she might not live to be born. She did survive but I was never sold on the name my husband picked out. It took constant repetition for me to really feel like her name fit her. Now I think it’s a beautiful, classic name and I’m glad I stuck with it. There was so much uncertainty around her birth it felt like her name was an anchor to keep her in this world.

I still think that every mom/dad has the right to change their mind if that baby shows up and is a Jennifer and not a Tiffani (my cousin’s birth story).

My first refused to reveal her gender before birth, so we had no opportunity of naming her before she arrived. I was so struck at the wonder of meeting her, whole and new, for the first time! Her name, chosen several hours after birth was and is exactly right for her. With my second, I refused to learn her sex ahead of time but had a list of 5-6 names for each. She came out so wholly unique and unexpected that as I tried those names one by one, none of them fit. We had to start all over in the delivery room, but again, we found the perfect fit, even though it took 24 hours or more. I’m now pregnant with girl #3 (my daughters bullied us into finding out at the US) and I’m ready to take all the time in the world to name her – hospital paperwork-lady be damned!

A friend of mine changed her son’s name shortly after his 1st birthday. It was no big deal. Not sure how she handles the pics of “Happy Birthday Old Name” on his cake, but I don’t think anyone cares. Good for you!

I totally thought we’d go to the hospital with a narrowed-down list of names and name him when we met him. Then my husband mentioned a name for our son and it really stuck with me. So we have a name and 4 weeks left til he’s due. It was a ‘wedding dress’ moment for me. I just knew.

On three occasions, I went to the hospital with my short list. Each time, we took the whole 4 day stay to think about and try on a name(s). I never felt bad about taking a long time. But people had the hardest time understanding what took so long to name the baby!
To me, it is a huge deal! It takes 9 months to make the list, and then you’ve got to see the baby & match the right name. I do have a tiny bit of regret on my daughter – we call her by her middle name. But I think her first name suits her better. She is almost 3 so the middle name is it.

We wanted the surprise when the baby was born so we didn’t find out ahead of time, but I was convinced I was having a boy. We had our girl name right away (like at 2 months), and a short list of boy names, but the leader I just never felt like it flowed. I’m so glad she is a she because my Mr just didn’t understand why I didn’t like the “flow” of the boy name.

I like in the UK, and here you have six weeks to “register” the birth, where the official birth certificate and name is issued. It does take a lot of the pressure off to get a name right away…from the hospital, at least! The families still want to know right away.

For my daughter, we had a short-list boys and girls names and decided to see the baby to make the decision. I must say, though, it still wasn’t clear after looking at her little face! I still wanted to call her our nickname we used while she was in utero. In the end, we just picked one. It took a day or two to get used to not calling her the nickname, and now I can’t picture her as anything else but Felicity.

We named our firstborn…actually before we were ever pregnant..or married. I had a dream when we were engaged that we had a baby (in the dream, I never knew if it was a boy or a girl) and the baby’s name stuck with me. We decided if it ever happened for us, we’d go with that name regardless of whether it was a boy or a girl and we did. Never regretted it once. Now, the grandparents… they took some convincing–ha ha. But yeah. I understand wanting to “know” the baby before you name him or her–that makes sense to me. But sometimes, the name belongs to them before they’re even here.

I too had baby name regret. I had a hard pregnancy and truly believe I wasn’t coming home with a baby so it didn’t matter what we named him. Even after he was born and healthy despite knot in umbilical cord I truly didn’t believe he would come home with me. Nurse came in to have me sign the paperwork and I put the name we had discussed but not the name I felt was his name. He wasn’t coming home with me I thought. I too called him “the baby” and it annoyed me when people called him by his name. At 5 weeks I discussed it with my husband and at 7 weeks we changed his name. To the name he should have had from the beginning. He is definitely better suited to his “new” name. Best decision we made was changing his name and we have never looked back.

for 37 weeks i debated, stewed, hemmed and hawed and could not for the life of me decide on my (now 12 week old) sons middle name. i wanted one name. my husband wanted another. and yet my mother wanted another. they brought me the birth certificate paperwork in the hospital immediately after delivery and i was just not ready to make the big decision. they came in to my room on fifteen different occasions asking me if i was ready to turn the papers in. i just couldn’t do it. so finally on the final day, and after being hounded by hospital staff for four days, and being threatened that we couldn’t go home with an unnamed baby, i made the decision to honor my mother. and i regret it everyday. i have caught myself calling him the name that i wanted to use. and every time i hear someone call him by the given name, i cringe.

I am deeply struggling with this. We named our daughter and while I was pregnant everyone that we talked to loved it which made us love it even more. But now whenever I am asked her name people give confused looks and mispronounce it, which makes my skin crawl! I read that it is one of the most hated girls names but has risen from #800 to #488 in popularity so that gives me some hope, but I don’t want her to struggle. My friends and family keep reassuring me that I should not care about what other ppl think–but I don’t want her to struggle and I am starting to really not like it. It also doesn’t roll off of my tongue. I think it’s a bit difficult to say. She is 4 months now. I am also concerned because we have announced it on Facebook, so now for us to change it may leave us susceptible to judgement. her middle name is Kate. I thought about just calling her that. My husband gets upset when I talk about it and tells me that we named her what we named her and we aren’t changing it. I would feel ridiculous but I think about it everyday. Multiple times a day.

I am so glad that where I come from most people don’t name their babies until 1-3 months after their birth, I am having a baby next march and I will have plenty of time to think of the perfect name, I think there is only one person I know who was named at the hospital

http://alphamom.com/pregnancy/how-to-handle-baby-name-regret/
Hi. I came across your story of your daughters name and wanted to contact you. My daughter is 6 weeks old and like you I felt totally pressured into her name.
I feel unable to change it because I’m scared I live to regret the change but I constantly wish I could turn back time and picked a different name to start with and avoided these feelings. I no irrational as cannot turn back time and every other day I change my mind as to what I would change it to so am I being ridiculous?
Thanks
Laura x

I also had tremendous name regret. It wasn’t that the name didn’t fit my daughter is that everyone kept confusing the name I picked for another name (a name that I hate!) so I got sick of it and changed her name after she turned one. It was a hassle and a bit expensive and super awkward. I actually got new announcements made with her new name. I was worried about how weird it was to change a child’s name and was worried that people would think I was crazy so I just keep her old first name as her middle name. I got a lot of odd looks and some even laughed at me when I told them, but I’m still happy with my choice. I was very unsure out what name to pick for her, but I literally thought I could not leave the hospital without a name. My parents and I didn’t know what to do so we looked through a book and picked a name under was felt like tremendous pressure. I hate the idea of naming a baby this way. I think you need at least a week to see how a name “works” with your kid.

Thank you for this. It’s comforting to know that people struggle with names and that some even change them! I struggled with our son’s name as we named him something my dad (and husband eventually ended up liking) over a name we both wanted and I had been calling the baby before giving birth. Then for 8 weeks I struggled with ppd and his name didn’t help matters any. At 6 weeks, and after a lot of discussions we changed his name to the one we originally were thinking (another great reason to not reveal names till after birth). It went over well and most everyone made the change nicely. Now our son is 3 years old, and the whole regret name thing still haunts me every now and then. He now has 3 middle names (originally he had two and then we just added his new name as his new first name and moved the original first name to his first middle). I know, confusing. This honored my husband’s wishes and my dad’s but of course now he has more names than royalty and I’m still struggling with it. Most people ask us why he has so many names! My sister in law just right now asked me and it sent me into a bit of a tailspin. I feel silly. And I wish it wouldn’t keep haunting me. Suggestions??

Hello, I just started reading articles and posts about regretting a baby’s name and I found this site. I felt as if I were the one writing it! Same exact situation. We did not know if our second baby was a boy or a girl, but I really thought it was a boy so we had decided on Nathan We actually talked about baby girl names, but could not really agree on one. The baby finally came and it was a girl. I was thrilled, but the name talk with my husband was not very conclusive. We ended up giving her an Irish name, that I actually like in writing, but we are French speakers so people don’t pronounce her name right and I finally realized that I actually don’t like her name. So, just like you, I am calling her “the baby”, hoping this feeling just will go away. But now, I am reading about unique names and the effect it can have on someone’s life and I feel terrible for my daughter :S My daughter is just 1 month and a half old and my own family has just started pronouncing her name right… I really feel like changing her name, but my husband likes her name and is not really happy about my thoughts. I know people would think I am “weird”, but I rather be happy with another name than be miserable…

I am so glad this forum exists and I am not the only one feeling that way. I have not spoken to anyone regarding my feelings as they go back and forth. Quite frankly I am feeling a little crazy and “unstable”.
During the pregnancy of our second son I was very emotional and a little sad (that I wasn’t ever going to have a daughter) but I soon got over that and my hubby and I started thinking of names. Well, I was the only one ever suggesting names and him not liking any. One day I finally found a name that I absolutely LOVED (at the time) and my hubby once again didn’t like my choice. He never did suggest alternatives. It event went as far as going to counseling because we had other marital issues and also talked about the naming conflict. My hubby eventually came around and agreed to my name choice (a bit of an unusual name) but wanted to add an extra letter. I first didn’t like his idea and said no. I was so stuck on the name however I agreed to it and it goes well with his second name so I grew to like it. Now however, after all this I am starting to have doubts and wished I would have picked a more traditional name. I am not comfortable with the spelling and I feel like I can’t say anything to my hubby as he is so proud for adding the extra letter when people say they like it. My first boy has a very popular classic first name and I can’t help but feel sad about the name choice for my second son. He is 14 months now and wonder if I ever brought up the topic name change everyone in my family will declare me for crazy. I just don’t want this to haunt me for the rest of my life. Any tips on how to approach this or is it possible to fall back in love with the name and get used to the spelling?

Oh my god, I’m so relieved to read that other mothers are going through what I am. My beautiful baby boy is 6 and a half months old and I’m really regretting his name it’s a biblical name that I have LOVED for years but my husband hated it throughout my pregnancy and we therefore never road tested it. We road tested several others and fell in love with ‘f’ and called him it for the last month of my pregnancy. I had a really difficult birth and when my husband was holding our baby in his arms he said ‘I think he looks like a j….’ I was like really??! ‘….I was still really undecided though as wed both fell in love with ‘f’ but went with ‘j’ because I’d always loved it and so does everyone else. However…….literally the next day I had an awful feeling of regret which I’ve experienced every single day since to the point where I’m driving myself insane. On top of this people mispronounce his name constantly which i never thought would happen because it’s such a classic name and I bristle with every mispronunciation. Even when I introduce him to people , I don’t feel proud of his name and that makes me feel so guilty because he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve mentioned it to my husband who got annoyed and my mam said if over analysed his name so much that there’s nothing left. I feel so unsupported and that if I changed his name people will think I’m a joke. I also don’t think ‘f’ will be as well received as ‘j’. To top it all off I hate the way my husband says his name!! He initially thought it was a very weak name (hence why he hated it throughout pregnancy) and he puts lots of emphasis of the second syllable and it sounds horrible. Sorry for such a long post but wanted to explain my troubled exhausted brain!!! Please help!!!! What would I say to people if I change it?????? What if I make the wrong decision (again!)

I thought it was just me!! So relieved to read all these as I don’t know anyone else who feels the same. Mine is slightly more unusual as I have only recently gone off my sons name…and he is 8! The annoying thing is we had another name throughout pregnancy but just before he was born I went off the name and started liking this quite unusual (for the UK anyway!) name which I have always liked. When he was born everyone would give me funny looks or ask how to spell it. Some people were so rude! I had a few people ask me what was I thinking but it still didn’t put me off. I loved it….until a few weeks ago. My good friend had a baby and called it the name we were going to use. Now I’m obsessed with the name she has called her baby and love it so much and have really gone off my sons name and think the other name should be his name. He even really suits the other name
I can’t even change his name as he likes it (I think as he has never had issues) and at 8..that would be weird and unfair on him. I haven’t said anything to him but it is so hard. I keep on thinking ‘if only’ and ‘what was I thinking?’! xx

Similar thing with me. I was in love with a name the whole time I was pregnant but decided to change the spelling last min. When we came home from the hospital I started feeling regret. I waited until she was six weeks old until I said anything to my husband. Of course he didnt understand right away but eventually agreed to change the spelling to a better way I thought. I thought this change would make it better for me and make me love her name well it didnt. She is six months old and not a day goes by that I dont regret her name. When we are in public and people ask her name I cringe before I say it. I would rather be saying a different name. I dont like to even hear people say it to me. I feel totally bad about feeling this way. I want to just call her by het middle name I adore it. Help should I change it again or live the next fifty years in regret???

I have to comment because I too felt this way when I looked at my first born girl. Mainly too because of a pervious dream I had before she was born. The dream was her as a young women. She looked like me and my husbands sister all in one. She was beautiful and tall and she talked to me. She said, ” mom, why did you name me Heather? I wanted you to name me Isabelle”.

It was so strange because I was not considering naming her heather. But i cannot recall, thinking back now, if the name Isabelle was what I had in mind or if it came from the dream. It may have been on the list. But I was considering Isabelle after this dream for sure !! You bet! That was very interesting.

But at the time it was a terribly popular name and I was hearing so many girls choosing it for their baby girls left and right. And so I thought maybe that wouldn’t be so great to have multiple girls in her class have her same name. Was it? Is that something to really worry or care about?
In the end my husband felt strongly her name was different, that maybe the dream was about another child we could sometime have in the future. And as I was still unsure of what was best, we went with the other name.
Since we have had two other children, both boys. The name has yet to be used.
Did my daughters spirit talk to me through that dream? Was it just all in my head? But as we stuck with the other pretty and less popular name, ( she is the only one with it in our circle and school so far) She has now turned 4 years old and started pre school. She met another girl with the name Isabelle. It Actually broke my heart hearing it cause I thought , oh some other mom got to use that name. And that day after school, what does my child say to me? She says, ” mommy why didn’t you name me Isabelle. That name is so beautiful. “. And my heart cried inside. I thought oh my goodness?!? She has never said that about any other name of any other girl she has ever met, lots and lots of other names has she heard. But this one. The ONE. Of course I said well we loved Your name. It’s beautiful too. I actually did think of that name for you and I really thought about it. I just was not sure if it really fit you. Of course i wasn’t going to say that I still think that way but sometimes I regret not going with what the dream girl asked for.

And now my child is asking for it just like in my dream!

Thoughts please! Help help. What do I do? Get the papers and change her name? Add Isabelle in now and start calling her that? Could be a coincidence? I wouldn’t even be considering this if it was any other name because of what I felt before. I hear of moms changing it after a few months to a year of age. But she is 4. The name is stuck isn’t it?

My daughter just tured 10 months. She is our 2nd daughter. Our first was easy to name. She is named after my grandma and i love her name and that she is named after someone i loved. We didnt have any otger family names that really meant anything
I really like famiky names though. Our daughter came early and i feel we just went with her name because we liked it but didnt really talk about it.
About a week after she was born i realized we could have named her Josephine… Joseph was my dads middle name and i wpuld have loved to have a connection with her and my dad.
I should have changed it then. I thought i was crazy though and everyone loves her name…so i figured i would get over it.
Well, 10 months and im not over it. Now i fear she knows her name and if i change it i will do some sort of developmental damage.
Im so torn!!

As others have said I am in the same boat. We didn’t find out what we were having before she was born and I always thought I was having a boy but knew I would be so happy no matter what the gender would be. Well we had a list of top 3 for boy and top 3 for girl and we would wait to decide when we saw him or her. Since we didn’t narrow the list to our number 1 favorite before hand I didn’t do any research on the names. They were just chosen by the way they sounded and looked. She was born and we chose her name. I love the way it sounds but hate what the name means. Everything I have found on the Internet has such a terrible meaning behind it. I started having doubts about her name within the first week we had her home. I thought the doubts would go away and I would eventually love the name. They didn’t and I don’t know if I will ever love her name. I waited until she was 4 weeks to say anything to my husband. He thinks that those meanings don’t really mean anything and we just shouldnt worry about it (easier said than done!) but he is so supportive and loving and will be ok with whatever I choose to do. Well we haven’t actually picked up her birth certificate. Since it hasn’t been issued we can easily change the spelling of her name with almost no record of it previously being spelled differently (we have gifts, facebook posts, etc we won’t be able to change). By doing this it will sound the same, almost look the same (1 letter is diff) but take away all the meanings that I don’t like. It seems like this would be a no brainer and I should change it to be happy but now I worry what others will think.

I really dislike my daughters middle name, she’s 11 months now and not a day goes by where I wish I had called her this other name I really, really love. The thing is her middle name is after my mum. So I feel I can’t change it, although I really want to. Infact 3 days after her birth certificate came I had filled in the new paper work from birth death and marriages to add the other name to her name, I walked to the post office and then changed my mind and didn’t post it, thinking it was ridiculous to give my daughter 2 Middle names. I know I shouldn’t worry because it is only her middle name. But this other name would of been perfect for her. (I have personal reasons why) I just wish I could stop thinking about how I messed her name up and I wish I could stop regretting it every single day,

Obviously since I’m here I too have regret. I honestly don’t know how I let it happen and since day one have regretted the name L came home with.

I too called him ‘the baby’ for the first three months and then after reading this post decided to tell my husband. He is adamant we keep L’s current name. For the moment anyway. I’m still trying to work on him as I can’t imagine calling him L for the rest of my life. At the moment I’m using a shortened version of his name if I have to; otherwise I still avoid it entirely.

L is now 9 months and starting to plan L’s first birthday. There is no way I can put his name on the invite nor on any of the hall decorations or even the cake. Seeing his name and hearing it makes me feel sick and cringe i usually love everything personalised, but anything we have with his name is currently hidden out of sight. I wouldn’t even know how to give a speech at his birthday and use his name. It is such a horrible feeling

And so here I am again, at 2am trying to work out how to change his name

Please let me know what you put on the form. Ideally I just wanted to know if you can actually just be honest and say ‘Mother has name regret’?!

About the author

Kelcey Kintner writes the humor blog, The Mama Bird Diaries and co-founded the cheeky advice site, The Mouthy Housewives. This Columbia Journalism School graduate also drives a gold minivan because you can't fit five kids on a Vespa. An award winning journalist, she still secretly longs to be an Olympic ice skater. You can follow her on Twitter @mamabirddiaries.