Celebrity Island with Bear Grylls (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Arrival

1
In 21st-century Britain, we have it
pretty easy.
But, by their own admission,
modern-day celebrities have it
easier than most.
I love oxygen treatments.
I want to find out how these
celebrities will cope
when stripped of their
luxury lifestyles
It's absolutely beautiful.
..and left to fend for themselves
in the wild.
It's the glamour of showbiz.
This programme contains strong
language and adult humour
I'm about to abandon ten British
celebrities on a remote
desert island in the Pacific.
It tastes like piss.
Fish piss.
I have OCL. BLEEP.
Obsessive compulsive laziness.
Marooned in just the clothes they
stand up in and with
a handful of basic tools
I don't
want to circumcise myself.
Oh, my God! Mark! Mark,
please, do it.
Alone, with four camera operators.
Hi, I'm Tom. They will film
everything themselves.
This is Josie Long.
Sorry, I'm desperately trying
not to flash my bum to you.
They'll only eat what they can
hunt down
I got a fish. Oh, my God.
..and kill.
Now I feel like an explorer.
Oh, thank you, darling.
This is proper real.
And, deprived of all of the creature
comforts
I haven't taken a shit since we've
got here,
which is slightly concerning.
..they take for granted
Positivity, positivity, positivity.
..will they have
the determination
This is going to hurt.
..and the strength
We have no water. We have no
BLEEP water.
..to survive?
We are so, so BLEEP. We've been
out here for hours and hours.
Hang on in there, we're almost
there!
I have fantasised about being
stuck on a desert island.
I'm totally impractical.
I'm artistic, er, you know,
which, basically, is an excuse for
being a lazy idiot.
So, doing something like this, it's
kind of testing your masculinity,
teaching you stuff, maybe making you
realise how lucky you are.
As part of this year's Stand Up To
Cancer campaign,
ten celebrities have decided to
embark on the toughest
two weeks of their lives.
I really don't want to grow up and
have any regrets.
When I get old and I'm sitting in my
old chair, my rocking chair,
I want to look back and think, "I
had the most incredible life!"
I love the idea of just being away
from the craziness of the world.
I think in modern society, we try
and cover our real self up as
much as we can. We're never raw, and
I think this will show our rawness.
The celebrities are all taking part
for free and donating their
fees to Stand Up To Cancer.
My mother had cancer and I remember
when she phoned up and told me,
it was terrible, you know.
And that's the thing about cancer,
there isn't a person in this land
that probably doesn't know
of someone that has been affected
by cancer.
My grandad has had cancer twice.
He's a very rock solid person and
..you know, when you see someone
like that vulnerable,
it's a scary thing, so this is why
I'm doing it.
To try and help in
any possible way, you know, I can.
I can see the island ahead and their
adventure is about to begin.
DOM: Look at that! There's a beach
there, which is good.
OLLIE: The beach looks all right.
This is it, guys!
I'm dropping the celebrities as
near to the island as I can,
but they'll have to swim from here.
OK, so this is where it gets real.
The worthwhile things in life don't
come easy.
Embrace that hardship every day.
Positivity, positivity, positivity.
OK? We ready to do this?
Yes.
The equipment you've got - three
jerry cans of water
and some basic tools.
Grab those and get ready to swim.
Oh, BLEEP me!
OK, first two.
Yes, mate!
I don't see what the big deal is
about this whole experience.
Well, they're in very, very high
spirits
Dom's saying, "I don't know what the
big fuss is about, it's going to be
a walk in the park."
Let's hold that thought.
One, two, three
For the next two weeks, these
celebrities will have to rely
on each other for their survival.
We're here!
I don't really like people.
You know, entertaining them as part
of my job, that's wonderful.
Hello, I'm Mark. I'm a bit late. I
took the scenic route round
the rocks.
But, the idea of being stuck with
other people
I'm not quite sure I'm going to get
on with them.
Someone call the concierge to
help with my luggage.
Aston from JLS taking a slash.
Nice to meet you, guys.
I've heard he's got an
enormous penis.
I've heard the complete opposite,
actually. Oh, really?
Marvin was the well-hung one,
I heard.
Hi, I'm Zoe. Four trained camera
operators will also live on
the island, in exactly the
same conditions.
Hi, I'm Tom. Hi, Tom, Lydia. You
all right? Nice to meet you.
Together, the castaways will film
everything themselves.
JOSIE: What are you doing, Aston?
This is called welcome to
the island.
If they're smart, they'd get
moving, get out of that sun
and try and find some place to camp,
because they haven't
got long before it's going to start
getting dark.
OK, let's get this away from
the rocks.
It's time for me and the crew to
leave.
Bye, civilisation!
Don't come back!
From here on in, they're on
their own.
Shit just got real.
Shall we get going, because we've
not got a lot of sunlight, have we?
The group have just three hours to
find a safe place to sleep
before nightfall.
What are we going to do?
When we came in,
there was a beach over there. Yeah.
So, we just try and go up and
across?
Did anyone look at the beach? There
were palm trees, weren't there?
Yeah, there were. Well, my view is
that we don't want to carry this
stuff too far, do we? No. So, even
if that beach isn't right, we
should Aim for there first.
..get there and then we can send
recces out to wherever.
I agree, really good idea.
Dom seems to know what he's talking
about, so,
I might let him lead charge.
Don't want to take responsibility
too early.
Shall we crack on? Yeah.
I've given the group enough water
to last them 48 hours,
along with three knives, three
machetes, a medical kit and
some fishing equipment.
I don't want to circumcise myself
or lose something there.
So, just to let everyone know,
we're trusting our entire first
experience of this island to Ollie
Locke from Made In Chelsea with
a machete. It's a bloody good shout.
Come on, then, let's crack on.
With impassable cliffs on either
side of the inlet,
the only way out is a steep climb to
the rear.
Mind out, Josie. OK.
WOMAN'S SCREAM
What's happened?
We've got hermit crabs!
First animal I've found.
That's quite exciting.
The group's home for the next two
weeks is this uninhabited
Pacific island.
Its 10km of coastline is dominated
by treacherous cliffs,
and the jungle interior is no less
forgiving.
I've ensured that the island has
enough water, vegetation and
indigenous animals to
keep them alive.
But, if they don't have the
ingenuity to find it,
catch it and kill it, eventually,
they are going to starve.
To add to their woes, I've dropped
them at the height of
the dry season, when temperatures
can reach 40 degrees.
In this heat, doing anything
will take strength and perseverance.
Oof! Well, fuck me, that hurt.
I'm knackered already, it's crazy.
That's the difference,
you southern softies.
I'm fucking northern, we're tough.
DOM: This is the summit, guys.
Good work, everyone.
How are your crabs back there?
I've named them Posh, Becks and
Harper - and they're doing fine.
Look.
DOM: We are
hunter-fucking-gatherers.
Agh! One just touched my fingers.
This might sound really stupid,
cos we're in the middle of the
jungle, but it doesn't feel real.
It's a bit like, "Ah, OK.
Yeah, we're here."
Let's go around the corner, let's
see what
This is TV land.
So, I mean, there's got to be
something around the corner
that's going to be helping us
out, but,
just that walk up the hill was
as difficult.
After their tough, 90-minute climb,
the group get a glimpse of the
cove they're heading to.
I can see the beach! Woohoo!
Oh, my God, they found the beach.
And it looks amazing.
Oh, I can see it. Look.
Look, look, look, Dom.
I've got no idea why we're heading
to the beach. Not being funny,
the last place we should be
sleeping, because we'll get eaten
alive by sandflies, is the beach.
They all think they're on holiday!
Go on, Ollie! Chop away, son!
This is great.
To get to the beach, the group are
relying on Ollie to cut
a trail through matted vines just
feet away from an 80-foot drop.
OLLIE: I honestly feel like we're in
fucking Jumanji.
I'm a bit pissed off. Why?
My hair used to be exceptional and
it's going downhill, I feel.
I'm most known for being
the slightly ridiculous, camp one on
Made In Chelsea.
I actually am quite hardcore. I
worked in nightclubs and once
I picked a poo out of the urinal,
which was my personal highlight.
I'm fairly sure everyone will think
I will fail,
but, I think in-built into all of us
is an alpha male
And relax.
Is there an alpha male waiting,
screaming to come out of me?
Well, actually, there has been at
some point, yes.
Holy shit, is this the edge of
a cliff? Yes, it is.
DOM: Ollie, stay left. I know. OK.
Just test your foot every time.
Yeah, I am.
ZOE: Oh, my God. It's OK. Just
follow our footsteps, it's fine.
Yeah, yeah.
JOSIE: Ollie, please be careful.
ZOE: You literally can't see what's
beneath your feet.
OLLIE: All right, we're through.
DOM: Ollie, that was the bollocks.
That was a good blend of caution
and stupidity.
Oh, please be a nice beach.
ZOE: Oh, please be worth it.
Oh, my God. Look at this.
Oh, it doesn't have as much
coast as we thought.
Holy fuck.
The tide has come in and
there's not much beach left.
Oh, no!
The rocky cove is far from the
paradise beach that the group
had been hoping for.
Shall we keep going? No, no, no.
Where the fuck do we go now?
We've no idea.
With only half an hour until sunset,
the group must decide where
to sleep as quickly as possible.
LYDIA: Ah, Dawn! The palm
tree queen.
The finest Egyptian cotton,
this will be tonight.
Dr Dawn, Lydia and Dom think the
beach is the easiest option
I'm completely confused.
..but, Mark's not convinced.
I'm concerned. The tide's coming in.
Look, if you want to do something
else, do it, but I think we just
need to crack on.
I just think our feet are
in the water.
Mark thinks the jungle floor's a
safer bet.
DOM: All I'd point out is the lot of
little holes,
which are what things live in.
Do you think? Yes, I know.
Oh, fuck! It's a snake.
Right there.
Ooh, bloody hell, look at him
coiling.
Means he's going to strike.
I'm going to be too freaked out
up here.
Maybe we should sleep on the beach.
Are we sure the tide's not coming
in any more?
We're not sure of anything.
I'd rather sleep down here.
Blimey, it's a bloody nightmare.
I mean, we've done more U-turns than
any political party in history, to
be honest.
If we can't agree, I give
us another 48 hours.
I don't know what I'm doing.
The light's literally about to go at
any second and then we're fucked.
Yeah.
Shall we take a vote of what to do
now? Hands up for the beach.
Three hours ago,
I abandoned ten celebrities
and four camera operators
on a remote island in the Pacific.
Hands up for
the fungus woodland floor.
Hands up for who actually
doesn't know.
LAUGHTER
Nightfall's 20 minutes away,
but the group can't agree
whether to risk the tide
and sleep on the beach
or take their chances in the jungle.
Why don't we vote for a leader
that then dictates what happens?
Because none of us know
any better than anyone else.
Who wants to be leader
and make that final decision?
Not me, thanks. Do you not want to?
I think you'd be
a really good leader.
I don't want to be leader cos I
don't know any more than you guys.
Why don't you be leader for today?
Yeah, we can have day-leaders.
That would be lovely!
Do you know what?
I'm very happy with that.
I'm duly elected first leader of
What shall we call this island?
Why don't we call it
Pissflappia?
It's a Spanish name for a fish.
It's Pissflappia!
It is, it is!
I'm naming Ollie
Minister of Fashion straightaway.
Got it! I'm on it!
Dr Dawn, Minister of Health.
You cool with that?
DAWN LAUGHS
Aston, I want you to get to work on
a national anthem for the island.
Oh, Pissflappia!
Nice! Someone send
a hostage video to Essex,
telling them we have their queen.
CHEERING
Fuck me! This is great!
So, we've nominated Dom as a as
a leader, which I think is amazing
and Dom is a true leader,
he is a leader,
and I feel that he loves the
Oh, a hermit crab!
See, in my mind now,
I thought that this is now food.
Is that not worrying?
We have no food.
We have no Deliveroo.
We have nothing
and, for the first time in my life,
I'm looking at this
HE SHRIEKS
Water, El Presidente.
Thank you, gracias.
Fucking great, this!
I was expelled from school
and look at this, huh?
Fuck you, Haileybury, yeah?
Running my own country now!
LOUD NOKIA RINGTONE
HELLO?!
'I'm basically famous for shouting
into a big mobile phone'
No, I'm in a restaurant!
'..crawling across a road
dressed as a snail.'
My parents are very proud.
'Well, the main thing
I'm looking forward to
'is an experience
I wouldn't normally have.'
Come on, boys!
'It'll be really hard, but there is
no part of me that thinks I'll fail
'but that's only because
I have a real confidence'
about things
that is completely unsubstantiated
and I'm totally aware of that.
How do we address you?
With great deference.
OK, so
Let's just get all the fern down.
Dom's first decision as leader
is that the group
will sleep on the beach.
We're going to find water tomorrow.
Are we?
Well, we must be.
You can feel it in your water?
I can't feel it in anything!
OLLIE: This is the most hideously
uncomfortable thing.
It's like staying
in a fucking Travelodge.
LAUGHTER, WOMAN SCREAMS
Oh, my God! What is that?
Oh, my God, it's huge.
The group attempts to settle down
for their first night in the wild.
I'm just really concerned cos
I keep seeing these hermit crabs.
I'm scared that they're going to
come in the night
and be like Biting at us.
They like any opening.
In what regard?
Like arseholes. Mouths?
That's the main
They love arseholes.
Oh, my word! Thank God mine is
covered because mine is delicious.
ASTON SINGS
Night, President Dom!
Goodnight, Essex!
ASTON CONTINUES SINGING
SOMEONE BREAKS WIND LOUDLY
Oh, for fuck's sake!
LAUGHTER
Well, hello, subjects!
The president is mildly excited.
Sexually, we are very free
here on Pissflappia.
It's the group's
first morning on the island.
Right, I'm going to grab some water
before I literally keel over.
With less than a day's supply
of water left,
finding a fresh source is vital.
Guys, can we get round
just for a quick meeting,
so we can agree on a plan?
Yeah, definitely.
I think we need to
get off this beach because
we want to find a sandy beach and
we want to find a water source.
Are we kind of in agreement
with that? Yes. Yeah.
Dom's plan is to send out
a three-man search party
made up of rugby player Thom,
pop singer Aston
Regardless of what it is,
we will find something, 100%.
..and reality star Ollie
as expedition leader.
I may dress pink, but I'm
actually quite good at this stuff.
This makes sense because it's fast.
Three of us and a camera,
hacking through,
and if we can get a fire going here
as well, we're doing a double thing.
Shall we get cracking? Yes.
I don't want to stay here,
I really want to go out as well
because I don't like it here.
Can I come, as well, because I feel
a bit stressed just sitting still?
Sure. Whatever makes you happy.
I won't be a pain in the arse.
With comedian Josie and Lydia
recruiting themselves
to the expedition,
selfie queen Karen wants to go too.
Right, let's do it.
KAREN: Let's go, then. OK, come on.
The search party are now heading out
with more than half
the islanders in tow.
But nobody has thought
to up the water rations
to include the extra bodies.
Here is hot.
What a lovely view.
OLLIE LAUGHS
Right, lead the way, Chelsea.
Timber!
In camp, the group's first attempt
at fire lighting
is being led by Dr Dawn.
So, what have you got? One, two,
three, four, five No, six.
..different sizes of twig. Six.
Woe betide anybody
that steps on my kindling!
Dr Dawn, if we were looking at this
from a medical capacity
What would the diagnosis be?
What would the diagnosis be?
I would say
almost terminal OCD.
I just need The A- to come up with
No, what we need
is a fucking lighter now!
THEY LAUGH
I'm sure I've seen the beginning
of a porno like this.
Wait a second, guys.
There is definitely an opening here.
There's an opening?
I'm sure that's in the porno too.
The search party's plan
is to explore
the west coast of the island,
hoping to find their dream beach
and a water source,
but after two hours trekking,
there's been no sign of either.
Do you know where we are?
I've no idea.
And they are starting
to lose their bearings.
Do you know what would
make this show better?
A map. At the beginning,
you just give us a blank page
and we have to work it out
and we get map-reading skills.
That would be nice.
CHEERING
I am a singer songwriter.
Would it always haunt you, baby?
Probably best known for my time
being in the boyband JLS.
I get to perform to thousands
and thousands of people,
but everything in my
day-to-day life is taken care of,
so I haven't got to think about
anything but performing.
Without food,
Aston does not function.
He'll be miserable
and grumpy all day. Yeah.
In fact, somebody might
even get boxed.
THEY LAUGH
I'm definitely not a diva,
but I definitely know what I want
and how I want things done.
You look like Rambo.
I wish I was Rambo. Jesus!
I'm so hot.
I'm literally dripping in sweat.
Tired and dehydrated, the search
party stop to take on some fluids.
If we run out of water,
we are in real fucking trouble
and Thom is a big lad, he needs
probably quite a lot of water.
Yeah, I'm pretty fucked.
Oh, Thom!
With eight in the party, their
water supply is disappearing fast
and they are beginning to realise
they haven't brought enough.
I just think we should turn back
because there's more water
at the camp and we can just rest,
eat something and go again.
You can't take risks with water,
you just can't.
CHEERING
I just hope that I can be
a good asset to the group.
I'm quite confident
in my own decisions.
Like, with stand-up, you get to
develop a strong inner voice.
You go, "No, no,
I trust this is funny."
My mum despises all men.
LAUGHTER
On the other hand,
she believes that you should
have one on you at all times.
Gigs are really hard, sometimes you
just die right after night,
you do so badly and you need to
develop this voice that you trust.
I just think we are in real danger
of getting lost here.
What if we don't find
a water source? But what if we do?
If we go back now, it's stupid -
we'll do the same thing tomorrow.
Exactly.
If we go there
and there is a water source,
or we go back to
a couple of coconuts.
So, what you guys are saying is you
want to keep on going for hours?
Come on, let's go,
we're just talking.
No, we're not just talking!
I just want to know!
Stop panicking, it's fine. We just
need to trust each other now.
I'm just scared because
I just think this is disastrous.
When you give us fire,
I'm going to give you
the freedom of any of the women
of Pissflappia.
You can take them as your prize.
Back in camp, all attempts
to make fire have ended in failure.
DAWN: Oh, bugger.
This fire
is frustrating and tiring,
but can you imagine
what they must be feeling?
They've not been shopping now
for 27 hours.
DAWN LAUGHS
JOSIE: Guys, wait up!
We're lost.
Two hours after deciding to push on,
the exhausted search party
have found nothing.
That really hurt!
But expedition leader Ollie
is convinced he is on
the verge of a discovery.
Just praying that there is some
light at the end of the tunnel.
Fuck's sake! Just cliffs.
I thought we were home dry there.
Raaargh!
In their determination
to get results,
the group have put themselves
in a dangerous situation.
We have no water.
We have no, no water.
And what I The beach
There's got to be a beach somewhere,
but we can't fucking find it,
it's driving me mad!
When you've got
a fixed goal in mind,
the temptation, often,
is to push on at all costs.
But if you neglect your basic
survival needs along the way,
that's when it gets dangerous.
I don't think that we
have enough energy to make it back
and we don't have a clue
where we're going.
Too little water, too many people
trying to go too far.
I think everyone is kind of agreed
that we are fucked, basically.
What are we going to do?
If the group feel they can't
make it back to camp,
their only option is to send out
an SOS to my safety team.
KAREN GROANS
ASTON: 'I'm on my last legs here,
'seeing people around
me really dehydrated, like Thom.
'To see a big dude like that'
Wow, this is This is not good.
I feel really dizzy.
I think we might actually end up
having to press the SOS button
and ask for help,
because it's just madness right now.
We have no water
and we cannot get back.
It's not that we don't want to,
we physically can't
or we will pass out.
We can't do it.
Just make the call, man, fuck it.
ALARMS BEEP
Hello?!
What's that? Yo.
Whilst searching for their
dream beach and a water source,
a party of eight islanders
ran out of fluids
and sent an SOS to my safety team
on a neighbouring island
It's been a fucking disaster.
..who've intercepted them
on the island's west coast.
Huh?
If you run out of water
in a hot, dry climate,
the situation can quickly
become life-threatening.
It's page-one stuff.
You've got to prepare properly
and understand your limitations,
otherwise you come unstuck.
And you've got water in your bag?
My safety team top up
the group's water supply
before leaving the island.
The celebrities now start to make
their way back to camp.
"Do the fucking Island, Karen.
It'll be a fucking good challenge."
Oh, my God.
Hi, guys!
Eight hours after setting out,
the explorers finally return,
shattered by
the day's failed mission.
We're so pleased to see you.
ASTON: That is definitely
the worst day of my life.
Really? Nothing comes close.
Had a nice day out, have you?
How's your day been? Good.
You've been walking eight hours,
basically. In the heat.
And we only had one stop.
I hate to say it - no beach?
No. Nothing?
No sign of anything?
There's nothing that side.
Guys, it sounds like hell.
We've only been here
just over 24 hours. I know.
That's what's so terrifying. I know.
I ain't going to like this.
It's breaking me a little bit.
It's ridiculous.
I just want to go home.
The group are facing
their second night on the island
with no fire, no food
and no water source.
I'd holiday in Guantanamo
compared to this.
LAUGHTER
I really would.
They get fed, they get taken
for a walk in orange jumpsuits -
what the fuck
are they grumbling about?
Well, actually, I am going to
Guantanamo for my next book,
and I'll be shouting,
"It's a fucking holiday resort!"
over the fence.
If you got all the jihadis
and chucked them on this island,
I swear, revolutionary Islam
would stop in its tracks.
Good morning. ALL: Good morning.
Good morning, Mr President.
Good morning, Mr President.
Thank you very much.
At first light, leader Dom
gathers a group for a debrief.
Yesterday was a nightmare,
frankly, wasn't it?
I know you all feel disappointed
that you didn't find a beach,
but I think no-one needs to be
despondent about it at all,
and no-one on our side of the camp
was thinking, "Fucking idiots,"
or anything.
I think this is
a steep learning curve,
and I think our steep learning curve
has cost us 24 hours.
And that doesn't mean I have got
any different, better answers,
I'm just saying, in reality,
we've lost 24 hours.
Somehow we need to make
that 24 hours back.
HE CRIES
Sorry
It's like I really fucking
pushed myself yesterday.
Oh, my God, so much. As we all did.
But Mark turns around,
"We just wasted 24 hours."
Just that annoyed me and
You kept everyone going.
Don't, for once, think that
you've failed because of
We've never thought that at all.
How in God's name are we supposed
to know where to go on this island?
If we did, we'd have
a sat nav and, you know,
we'd be a lot better off.
'All that I tried to do yesterday'
is basically try and prove that
I'm not a complete idiot,
that I'm actually
quite good at stuff
and not this kind of
stupid, pink-wearing guy
that a lot of people think I am.
I just wanted us to get to that
beach and find the water source.
For now, the islanders are giving up
on finding their dream beach
I'm so thirsty. It's insane.
..so they can sink
all their energies into finding
a fresh water source
and making fire to purify it.
Good luck, guys.
'It's getting scary now because'
very soon we're going to have
our last few drops of water,
and then what?
After yesterday's
disastrous expedition,
they keep the search for water
closer to home.
That's very salty.
Think of the crocodiles that have
dumped in here or something.
HE GROANS
Fucking salt as well!
HE SPLUTTERS
Disgusting!
It's mid-afternoon
and the temperature has soared
into the high 30s.
The morning's efforts
have come to nothing.
Are you fucking kidding me?
And the group are forced
to strictly ration
their last dregs of drinking water.
ASTON: My fucking throat
is cutting up.
Singer Aston is concerned that
dehydration might be affecting
his voice.
Ahh I've no idea.
Have you had your tonsils removed?
No.
There's no way I am risking my
livelihood for fucking this shit.
ASTON SPITS
If somebody gave me a bag of,
like, brand-new make-up right now,
I would say, "No, thank you,
I'd rather have a bottle of water."
That is how much my priorities
have changed.
I don't think that I'm probably,
like, a natural survivor.
But I will throw everything
that I've got into it.
Hey, you look amazing.
I feel like Beyonce.
'I think part of that
is from the fact that
'I've come from a very big family.'
'All of us are very competitive
and we are all very driven.'
Put it there, sister.
'I think people may be'
shocked at how good I'm going to do.
LAUGHING: I'm saying this now
See, that tastes fresh to me.
I think it is fresh.
I think that is
our fresh water source.
There's water! Water!
A water source? What? Wow!
Things are looking up.
The pressure is now on to light
the fire so they can purify it.
WATER GURGLES
Oh, God, that sound.
Karen and Dom collect
their first batch of new water.
It's incredible. It's like
desert happiness, isn't it?
Don't Shall we do it now?
Yes, go.
We've got an ember, ember.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God,
I feel like I'm going to cry.
Can you smell fire,
or am I just hallucinating?
You're totally hallucinating.
Blow, Ollie. Blow, blow, blow.
Oh, my God, so close.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Guys, we've got a fire!
CHEERING
We got fire!
Holy fuck-aroni!
Who did that?! Dawn and Thom.
Bend over, sir,
I'm going to give you
the highest privilege
the President of Pissflappia can.
Oh, my God. That's insane.
IN TUNE TO NAH NAH HEY HEY:
# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Hey, hey, hey
We got fire!
Embarrassing English singing moment.
Sorry, sorry, everyone.
We have fire!
It's just amazing.
Looks like Snow White
And The Seven Dwarfs in camp.
It's incredible, the morale now.
HE CHANTS HAKA
'The last 48 hours,
Aston's just been a shell.
'And that'
was the tiniest glimmer I've seen
of old Aston coming back.
THEY IMITATE HAKA
Oh, thank you, darling.
Gosh, who would have ever thought
a few flames
could make such
a difference to morale?
It's boiling, it's boiling,
it's boiling.
CHEERING
This is exciting.
Our first island water.
After three days of failure,
the group are hoping
their new water source will secure
their future on the island.
It smells like your tropical
fish tank has overheated.
It's not pleasant.
OK, guys KAREN: Yeah, go for it.
That's salty! It tastes like the
juice of, like, a packet of prawns.
That's fine.
What do you think, Aston?
HE SPITS
Do you think it's salty? Oh.
Aston's spat it out.
That says it all.
To me, it tastes salty,
but but I'm
I don't know.
If water tastes salty,
it is madness to drink it.
Your body may be tricked
into feeling less thirsty,
but the salt is actually
dehydrating you.
Drinking it could cause
severe sickness and diarrhoea.
OK, guys,
who thinks this water is salty?
Me Mel and Aston.
One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven.
Fuck, that's half.
But despite their uncertainty,
desperation drives some of the group
to quench their thirst
on the suspect water.
Oh, my God, I feel sick now.
What, from that water? Mm.
Oh, heck, don't say that.
DOM BELCHES
Good morning. What so fucking good
about it?
I don't know, feel sick.
Last night, some of the islanders
drank contaminated water
and it's made them unwell.
I've had a bit of sick.
Now my stomach feels
really dodgy.
Fuck this.
It's going.
This moment in time, apart from
fire Yeah.
..we haven't actually achieved
anything.
They just feels wrong but that was
the water of death.
We're doomed, really, aren't we?
Four days in with barely anything
to eat and no drinking water left in
camp,
the group are in dire straits.
Pop star Aston has had enough.
I didn't expect it to be this hard.
I came into this very naive in a way
to say, like,
not that it's going to be a walk in
the park because it's TV,
but, "Yes, it's kind of going to be
a walk in the park because it's TV."
It is pretty hard-core. Oh, no, it's
fully hard-core.
And I'm not enjoying this.
So why not just go and do what it is
I'm good at.
Aston has worked himself into a
real downer. He's really struggling.
I'm terrified he's going to leave.
So my main thing today is to make
sure I get water.
Guys, we need to have a little
meeting.
Cos we need to make some
quite serious decisions.
Dom agrees that Ollie should lead a
new search for water with Lydia and
cameraman Ali.
Coconuts in there. Oh,
my, God. Hallelujah. Ready to go.
Having found nothing to the west on
their last expedition,
their plan is to explore the coast
to the east of the camp.
Right, toodle-pip, everybody. Bye,
guys. Bye, guys.
This time, leader Dom insists
on a strict time limit.
Ollie. Yeah. An hour max then you
turn back. Fine. Seriously.
And mark the trail.
I'm quite surprised to find myself
sending out, as president,
representatives of Made In Chelsea
and The Only Way Is Essex as our
last hopes in life.
The success of Ollie's expedition
is critical.
Unless they find a sustainable water
source, the group won't survive
another day on the island.
The thing about dehydration is that
it can creep up on you
very, very fast.
You're going to feel nauseous,
you're going to feel weak,
you're lethargic
and just a small percentage drop in
your body fluids
results in a massive drop in,
actually, your performance levels.
Fuck. Fuck it.
I feel so thirsty and tired
and lethargic.
I honestly don't know where I am.
I've lost all my bearings. I'm so
delirious.
I feel like a walking corpse.
An hour into their search,
there's no sign of a water source.
And they've already reached their
time limit.
We have to find it. There is no way.
I don't give a fuck if it takes us
two hours. We're not turning around.
We can't think like that, Ollie.
Why?
Because we'll run out of energy.
This is what we did last time,
remember? Even if we're an hour
late, I don't give a fuck.
Let's crack on.
I just hate failing.
They are late. Officially, now.
That really worries me. Well
So what do we do? That's really
I don't know what we do now.
You know what worries me? I know how
we're all feeling here. We're so
exhausted, we're dehydrated.
But we're actually sat still.
They're out there in the hottest
part of the day in unknown
territory.
Fuck sake. I am now trapped
in a bush.
Dehydrated and disorientated,
Ollie's party are no longer heading
east as planned,
but have veered north into the
island's dense interior.
Aargh!
This is ridiculous.
Oh, my God.
Come on, mate. We can do it. No,
I don't think there's any more
to do. I really, really don't.
I think this is it. We can't stay
here. No, we have to go back.
No, we have to go forward. Yeah.
The idea of that is great but, look.
I know, I know. It's never-ending.
It's just the sun,
we're in fucking midday heat.
I'm so thirsty. I know.
It's getting a bit serious here
actually.
We're here with no water
and they're there, they must be
out of supplies.
This is proper real.
Quite frightening.
This is a dead end.
I can't do this. No. Actually quite
petrifying now.
How about we just get on the radio?
Shall we?
Lost, exhausted and scared
Ali to Charlie. Ali to Charlie.
..the group make an emergency call
to my safety team on a neighbouring
island.
Say we're fucking dead. Fucked.
Say that to him.
We're getting so burnt out.
All three of us are pretty strong
people
and we are losing our will now.
And we are really, really getting
towards the shit. Over.
We have fuck all water.
We have nothing.
RADIO: It appears that you
are heading a little too far north.
You need to head directly south.
Over.
Is there any chance that you might
be able to meet us because
we we are so, so fucked.
Please, just, you've got lives here.
And we've been out here for
hours and hours. Over.
They're going to have to meet us
when we get to the end.
Cos we can't move back.
We'll end up passing out.
Fuck.
My safety team direct Ollie's search
party towards the coast where they
can intercept them.
Are they coming in?
TOGETHER: Hello!
40 minutes after the radio call,
my team locate the group
in a small cove.
HE WHIMPERS
I'm so I'm so
Go on, get your head up, Ali, you're
all right. I'm so fucking week.
This brutal climate really can be a
killer.
If you over-exert yourself
in searing heat, with no water,
then you're on borrowed time.
Dehydration could quickly progress
to heatstroke
which in itself is a
life-threatening condition.
The main thing is we found you,
you're all safe.
Ali, get some water down your neck,
you need to be drinking more,
mate, come on.
The exhausted celebrities
now face a tough decision.
We can't just keep bringing bottled
water out.
You need to get to that water
source.
We have no idea what we're going to
do.
Mark, what do you think is going to
happen next?
In all seriousness? They just find
14 skeletons at some stage.
Put back on track by the safety
team,
Ollie's party has made the brave
decision to continue with their
search for water.
There's still hope for the Paradise
beach. There's still hope.
I'm not going to give up on this
beach. I'm really not.
Oh, my God. What?
Are you joking? Wait, wait,
wait, wait. Don't get excited.
It might be salt.
It's fresh water. That is
fresh water. What?
That's fresh water. No, it is not.
That is fresh water.
100%, that is freshwater. Are you
joking?
Oh, my God.
I found water.
It tastes so fresh.
Yes. We did it, we done it.
Yay! Woo!
In the wild, if you've
had the strength to fight on,
despite failure after failure,
then that taste of success, when you
finally reach it, is the sweetest
thing in the world.
There's a beach. Oh, my God.
There's a beach. Oh, my God.
We did it!
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah!
We did it. I can't believe we did
it.
This place is huge. We got a
choice. We got that one, that one.
There's one over there as well.
Well, maybe that beach is purely for
pooing.
I don't even think Mariah has a
pooing beach.
I'm sure Mariah's got a pooing
beach. I bet she does.
Ollie's group may have taken the
scenic route but their new beach is
just 1km east of base camp
and now they know the way, it's less
than an hour's walk back.
WHISTLING
Whistles. Hello. Hello.
They're back. I'm quite pleased
they're not dead, cos that would've
been my presidency over.
We found water and we found the
beach. What? We know how to get
there. What?
We know how to get there. It just
took us forever. There's a
water source there?
One million per cent. Like,
literally, we stuck our tongue
in and it was so fresh. Come on!
Come here, buddy. Chelsea and Essex
bringing it home.
Woohoo!
Although my safety team had to
intervene, the search party's
courage actually paid off.
But from here on in, the islanders
have to learn to cope on their own.
Honestly, I can't tell you how
important that was to get to that
beach which I knew from day one
we needed to get to.
I was so pleased.
But even more when we came back.
Everyone's happy.
But despite the promise of better
times ahead
..not everyone's in the
mood to celebrate.
Papa to Bravo, Papa to
Bravo.
RADIO: This is Bravo. Over.
Just wanted to make you guys
aware that I think it's time that
I leave the island and come home.
Over.
Next time We're completely
starved. We haven't eaten in days.
Tom is really struggling. He's so
drained. Literally, can't move.
El Presidente siesta time.
I would rather be led by somebody
from the front, a fighter.
Is this a coup?
It's so much more brutal than
we thought.
SHE SCREAMS
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