A collection of stories, songs, outright lies and other sundry items written by Allan Watson

Monday, 15 October 2012

Sir Harry Secombe, Polish Payola & the Bay City Rollers

Blimey,
what a strange way to spend a Sunday evening. There was me looking
forward to watching Songs of Praise and maybe reading a few of the
scriptures before retiring to bed with a cup of cocoa and Sir Harry
Secombe on my Ipod, when I got invited to spill my guts on Celtic Music
Radio by old friend Ralph ‘Fluff’ Kelly.

‘But why me?’ I protested feebly. ‘No-one is remotely interested in anything I have to say.’

‘On
the contrary, Al,’ Ralph countered. ‘All those colourful anecdotes
relating to your highly respected musical career, not to mention your
huge contribution to the literary world. How can people fail to be
enthralled? And don't you worry, I'll say nothing to embarrass you.’

So I accepted. And
what was the first thing Ralph brought up live on air? My getting sacked
as lead guitarist of the reformed Bay City Rollers after only two days.
Then came the Polish chart-rigging scandal of ’85, followed by insults
about my bald patch. A lesser man would have crumbled as the skeletons
tumbled out the closet. But I steadied the ship, got the interview back
on course and made sure Lol Robinson & Hazey Jane II got a decent
airing (5 songs), as well as the title track from the Candy Séance
Cd ‘Through a Whisky Glass Darkly’ (and before you ask, Candy Séance is
not my dead porn star name, no siree). I followed these successes with a
brief summary of my much admired novels, played up my comedy sketch career to make it sound like I was a modern day Woody Allen - and then proceeded to fulfil a
lifetime ambition (I always wanted to present Jackanory) by reading out a
piece flash fiction called ‘The Ladies Trepanning Society’. I was just about to give a quick demonstration of 'Cooking on Radio' (Beef Bourguignon with Pommes Frites and Honey Glazed Artichokes) when the producer called time and I got bundled out the building by a menacing security guard with a big dog and told never to return. Many thanks to Ralph 'Fluff' Kelly for a most pleasant evening and I'd like to say sorry about the small fire I caused in the mixing desk (how was I to know you're not meant to place a flare gun on top of electrical equipment?).

About Me

Allan Watson is a writer whose work leans towards the dark and disturbing realms of the fiction spectrum. He is the author of six novels and two collections of short stories. In between books, he wrote extensively for BBC Scotland, churning out hundreds of comedy sketches for radio and TV, in addition to being a regular contributor for the iconic 'Herald Diary'. When not dickering with stories he masquerades as a composer/musician with Candy Séance and Columbus Road, as well as collaborating with best selling crime writer Phil Rickman in a semi-fictional band named Lol Robinson with Hazey Jane II whose albums have sold on four different continents (Antarctica was a hard one to crack).