Friday, December 31, 2010

I'm being a sad a** and ringing in the New Year, at home, in front of the TV, watching a movie I have seen a few times before. TJL is falling asleep on the other couch. How exciting are we? We did have plans to go out, but I think I ended up just too tired. Or lazy. Can't figure out which. Besides its a 1 hour drive to get to where we want to go, and since I'm travelling to Wai.puk.u.rau tomorrow

I'm looking forward to 2011, as I always look forward to a new year and a new start. Heres hoping that 2011 is the 'year of the baby' for us. If not, heres hoping that we can move forward in childlessness and learn to embrace it, and focus our attention elsewhere.

To New Years Resolute or not ... so many resolutions, so many failures. But I guess if one does not at least attempt to better ones self, regardless of failures or not, then one will never progress. And so my New Years Resolutions are

1. Lose weight, and to really make an effort at this one this time. No more two week (or is that too weak) attempts. I really need to work hard at it, and keep myself accountable, and to just grow up about it. No more instant gratification. No more 'but I wanna eat chocolate'. No more 'its just too hard'. 2011 will be more about blessing my body with wholesome, healthy, pure foods.

2. Reduction in TV watching hours. Stop turning the TV on first thing in the morning. Stop turning the TV on as soon as I get home from wherever. Stop having the TV on all day when I am home, and just scrolling though all channels discovering constantly that there is actually nothing of interest on. Instead I can fill my time with exercise, bible study, photography and scrapbooking, and developing real life human relationships.

3. Keep the house CLEAN and tidy. Organise a daily and weekly roster of chores to be done, and to do them more often than not. Bless my home and my little family of two.

4. Focus on the positives in my life. Quit whinging about my job, my weight, my looks, my finances, and the things that I don't have. Focus on the things that I DO have. Intellectually I KNOW I am blessed and I really have to start thanking God for my blessings, instead of insulting Him by focusing on my perceived lack. And it really is only perceived lack, I am well and truly blessed in this life of mine, children or not.

5. Learn to enjoy my life to the fullest, be kind and gentle to all those around me, and to become more selfless and generous.

And so ends 2010. In a few days I will be back at my job trying to remember to write the date with a 2011, or 11, amongst other things that make my life 'so difficult' ... lol

I hope everyone remembers the good parts and takes lessons from the bad parts of 2010, and has a much happier, productive, and generous 2011.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

I have had such a wonderful Christmas. Mostly. Drove from Eltham to Waipukurau on Christmas Eve, to stay with my parents. The traffic was not too bad, in fact I was one of the faster vehicles on the road, and since I basically NEVER speed, thats saying something.

Christmas Eve evening Mum, Dad and I went to my sisters place for 'drinks and nibbles'. Apparently my BIL had invited a few people round, unfortunately not many people showed up (a combination of Christmas Eve and the general lax attitude of people these days). Of the four others that did, we had a fantastic 'conversation and debate' with a gentleman from Auckland (okay he was born very rural in Onga Onga, but now lives in Auckland). He was so much FUN! Loved him a lot! One of those people who love to debate without getting offensive OR offended.

Christmas Day was spent around at my sisters place again. Twas all of us, plus BIL's mum and stepdad, our Uncle, Aunt, Cousin, Cousins partner and two kids. So it was a house full. I don't handle a lot of people very well, I am even worse now I am a huge fatty baloofa, so I shot hoops, watched a bit of ice hockey, jumped on the tramp, and generally hung with the kids and 'avoided' the adults - so grown up of me, I know. I was brave enough (well lets just say HOT enough) to borrow my sisters swimsuit and have a long, delicious swim. I forgot how much I love to swim.

Christmas day kidlets hanging on the tramp - I am no where near as brave as G!

Boxing Day kidlets, one wriggley C and one 'bolt once the photo is taken' T. G was behaving for once.

Tukituki River - one of my favourite rivers in the whole of NZ!

Boxing Day Mum, Dad and I walked the dogs down at the Tukituki River (as Mum and Dad do every day). It sure is nice down there. Then I went to the sisters place, again. Shot hoops, bounced on the tramp, and had another wonderful swim. I DO NOT FIT MY TOGS!

God, please help me love myself enough to worship my body with healthy food instead of junk. Please Lord, I want to be slim and fit. And I need your help! I definitely can not do it alone. Help me to make good decisions in all that I do. Amen

And that's about it. Food, hoops, swims and tramp bounces, how great of a Christmas was this! Only having a child, or children, of our own could make it better!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

I was supposed to photograph the Waitara ODE today, and I did, kinda. The weather was terrible, very very wet. Could have been worse, like cold and windy as well. But wet is bad enough, especially when out in it with a camera. To be perfectly honest, I didn't really think too much about it. I have photographed in rain before, just not perhaps SO MUCH rain. And it was wet rain, you know, the kind that covers and soaks EVERYTHING very quickly. I managed to photograph most of the dressage, I left before it had quite finished to make sure I got pictures of all the cross country. Hmmmmmm ... FAIL. At about the 4th pony to go cross country my camera DIED! Com.pleat.ley I did have my spare camera with me, so I got the rest of the 40cm jumpers and then canned the whole idea. No point in killing two cameras in one day, ah! I have stuck my camera in the hot water cupboard, in the hopes that it is just in a rain induced camera coma, but I don't think so. I have recharged the battery and put it back in, and so far NO GO.

And I have a show to do on the 27th. Thats in 7 days. And its Christmas. So most shops will be shut. Except for the days I will be working, and so unable to get to town. And I don't have any money at the moment anyway. Heres hoping I can get the limit on my credit card extended. It is a pretty low limit at the moment, so 'fingers crossed' there won't be any problems. I know, I know, not the best way to go, but I really don't have THAT much debt, really (do I sound convincing?)

*sigh*

So then I also have a testing dilemma. I was trying to work out today whether I really want to concentrate on my photography OR would I rather get back into riding horses. Or can I do both? I thought that my camera dying was a sign. Or is it a test, too see how badly I want to photograph? And then I got a phone call tonight booking me for an event in March. Is this a sign that I am supposed to do photography or a test to see how bad I want to ride again?

I think I think too much ... hahaha.

And now its hot and muggy, and I have work tomorrow. *sigh* I think I complain too much ......

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Well, I was proven correct. I was unable to get an appointment to have my tubes checked AGAIN this month. I did kind of expect it, as it would be need to be done over the Christmas break (well 24th-ish). I asked the receptionist at the clinic, how many times would I need to call before I could get an appointment. It turns out that they only do the scan twice a week, Wednesdays and Fridays, so it's just pot luck. Sooooo, rats! Apparently I would have a better chance of getting an appointment if I tried in a city 3 hours away. Thus my plan is to hope and pray that I can get one in January otherwise I shall ask Dr FuFu to send a referral to PN and I shall PAY to have it done there. I'm 39 and 2 months. If I don't find out sooner rather than later, and we need IVF, then I could be 40 and then it's too late.

Fortunately God prepared me for this moment by directing me to blogs last night that involved women with families who had lost their husbands. Which was a lovely (terribly sad too of course) reminder that even when you have what looks like the 'perfect' family, the 'perfect' life tragedy can strike at any time, and in reality, yes infertility is tough, but there are so so many more people out there doing it tougher than I am. And then today I just caught a bit of 'The Biggest Loser' and on there was a lady who lost her husband, son AND daughter all in a vehicle accident. Her happy, perfect family, gone! I mean, that has got to be SO much tougher than infertility (in my eyes anyway, and it's my view of the world that counts for me, isn't it).

So yes, I don't have a baby or child, and yes, I can not get an appointment to even have my fertility checked, but I do have a loving partner, and my parents, and my sister, and her children, and good friends, so I don't have it so bad, really!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I had such a killer headache yesterday that I ended up leaving work early. And I hardly ever get headaches, except for lately that is. I don't know whether it is due to the heat, lack of water, or stress. More than likely its a combination of all three. I also ended up having today off sick as well, sore throat and general feeling of blahness. Since I basically hardly ever have a sick day I feel like I am entitled to one. Since I have to be up by 5am to get to work by 6am, its actually quite hard to work out whether you are sick or just not wanting to head into work, but due to the fact I have spent the entire day on the couch in my pajamas and have felt like doing NOTHING I think I was genuine. Strange how guilty one feels, even when one is being truthful.

And again I have attempted to sort out my life. I just need to get more positive! Actually, no just about it. I need to get more positive. I figure my 4 biggest negative thoughts are to do with work, being childless, food (weight) and money. The under pinning of my negative thoughts are the thoughts that I am somehow missing out on something. So to throw a positive spin onto these things today ...

Work means that I have money and social contact.
Childlessness means that I can go anywhere, do anything, at anytime I want.
Eating healthy means that I will feel better about myself and I will have more energy.
Saving instead of spending means I will be able to achieve my big goals and/or be ready for emergencies.

I actually thought that there was a fifth one, but I can not for the life of me think of what it is right now ... hahaha

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Well as normal as I can be. I no longer feel like my life is in turmoil. I no longer feel like I want to leave TJL. I no longer feel sad or depressed. I am glad that I kinda knew it was down to stress yesterday, I feel a little silly for writing about it, perhaps I will delete that post, perhaps not. I shall think about it.

My room looks definitely Christmassy. I have 7 Santas, 2 snowmen, and a large assortment of baubles etc. What I do need, however, is MORE TINSEL. I thought that I had way more than I have, in fact I thought I had more decorations than I have. But I need more tinsel!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Who would have thought I would write a post like this? I mean I am talking about the man I have been trying to have a baby with. But I'm thinking that maybe its just too hard. Its just not worth it. I'm just not happy.

I had to have one of my horses put down. While I am not devastated as such, I am pretty upset. I feel fine, and then have a cry, we all know how it goes. My horses, well horse now, live with my parents 3.5 hours away. Trent did do the obligatory how are you texts, but he didn't actually phone. And now I am home, and other than a brief, how are you? question, there has been nothing. Well actually something. He laughed at me when I was having a cry about her. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with a man who has so little compassion?

Obviously I am upset so won't be making any hasty decisions, I'm pretty strung out and have to go back to work and face people again. My stress levels are at the extreme to say the least. I don't even know if I will tell anyone about Channelle being put down. I just feel low, bordering on depression. It sure would help if my partner in life (or maybe just for the next month) was a lot more supportive.

Of course I am asking God a lot of questions, and leaving it up to him to help me decide, but at the moment I just feel numb.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

I spent quite a bit of time in the garden today, in fits and starts as it was so hot! And I don't like it too hot, or too cold for that matter. I'm temperature fussy I guess.

So all of the gardens are mostly weeded. I have just a tiny section of the large garden to go, plus weeding around one shrub/tree thing. They definitely look a lot better, well I think dirt looks a lot better than weeds anyway! This evening I have planted 60 flower seedlings along the driveway garden. I hope they bush out enough to fill it in. Every year we have been here it has always looked patchy at best, so I hope I have done a better job this year. I might need to buy a few more, but I won't be able to for a couple of weeks. Of course, now seedlings are planted, the garden will actually get watered, and so the weeds are going to flourish! It is such a never ending battle. I wonder who the experts are who determined what is a 'weed' and what is a 'plant' in the first place? Some weeds do have the most delightful flowers.

I have also potted a plant that I had to replace. TJL's mother gave me a plant for my birthday, and we promptly killed it by lack of water. I think I found the right one to replace it with, and I have potted and watered it promptly this time, so here's hoping I don't kill it again. Of course TJL told his sister (my fault I asked him to ask her what the name of the plant was) so no doubt she will tell his Mum and I will be unpopular again. They seem to like to share things that gets other people in trouble *sigh*, and they 'care' - my family don't care so much about the little things. Talk about being raised different!

On the edible front each time a raspberry has begun to go slightly pink, by the time we got back to check it out later in the day, it had disappeared, well the pink/red bits of it had. Very neatly pecked away by the local sparrows no doubt! Now we have got netting over the raspberry canes and strawberry plants, so try and get in there now my feathered friends! Actually they can still get in there and the netting isn't completely fixed as yet, but soon, just you try and get in there my feathered friends!

Back to work tomorrow. I really can not wait for the day TJL and I manage to get 'knocked' up so I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Please let my tubes be open, Lord! It would mean so much to TJL and I if we can have a baby or 3. In the meantime I appreciate having a job that pays well and really is not all THAT bad.

So I had a day 14 cycle scan today, my first ever one. It appears that I have lazy follicles. Today they should have been around 20mm, my biggest were 9. They get so far, then sit with me on the couch and do sweet f.a. But its good to know. My eggs etc are all fine. Next step is to have the hysteriosomethingorother to see if my tubes are blocked (Dear Lord, please let my tubes be free and clear, I would really appreciate that). And if they are fine then its off on a start of hormone treatments. Dr FuFu (as TJL calls her) said that she will start me off on a low dose, and increase it until something happens. This is to reduce the likelihood of a multiple birth. Twins are fine, triplets and more are risky. So here's hoping that I get to do the hysteriowhatsit this month. Chances are I have to have it done over Christmas, and the place will be shut, hoping not, but I am prepared for this. So saying I can have the hysteriothingamee in January, and that all is fine, then hopefully will start the hormones in February, and everything will be crossed! Well everything EXCEPT the legs of course ... TMI ... I know. I actually feel a lot more positive about things now. Kicking myself for not organising myself, like, a YEAR ago. But hey, wheels are finally in motion now.

Poor ill chicken had to be put down today. She has been paralysed or something. Her legs have not been working right. Daily she got taken out of her private coop, and placed under the trees, and each night put back into her private coop. The last couple of days see seemed to have stopped drinking and eating, so it was best to put her out of her misery. Very sad! I love my chickens, but you have to be 'cruel' to be kind unfortunately, and to have her suffering does not sit at all well with me.

The other chickens are fine. They 'helped' me in the garden by ripping the leaves of the broccoli seedlings planted yesterday, and then following while I weeded the flower garden standing right over me to pounce with beaks and feet as I roused invertebrates from the soil. They are so lucky they are cute AND have laid over 22 dozen eggs this summer so far (well two of them have, the other remaining two are old and retired ... lol).

The dog helped in the garden by having to be told 'LEAVE' the chickens around 600 million times, and then going into the vege garden, while chickens and I were in the flower garden, and trampling any seedling that got in her way. She is so NOSEY! Lucky she is so cute that she doesn't have to produce anything, as all she actually produces is chaos.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

I am SO busy! And I think that because I am so busy, and my mind is working overtime, I don't blog - why? I guess because I have gone over everything 10 000 times in my head so that it is boring, and why would I want to write boring stuff?

Yeah. So the 'busy' season. Being summer work is busy, as farmers are busy milking cows and my job involves testing end products from dairy. And I had to change rosters at work, but at least that means I get Christmas Day off, and New Years Day off - both of which I have worked the last two years. Then being summer my photography business is busy as there are lots of horse events on, and I am out photographing them, and then sorting and editing the photos, uploading them to the website, filling orders which are slow in coming, but I am grateful for any that I do get.

And then it has been my nieces birthday and gymnastics competition involving travelling home to see her, one of my horses has laminitis so I need to keep travelling 'home' to ma n pas to check on her. I have doctors appointments to examine my fertility, or lack of fertility, further. And coming up is Dads birthday, Christmas, Mums birthday, another nieces birthday, TJLS birthday.

And finally, I have managed to get the vegetable garden planted. We have potatoes (planted earlier), corn, cauliflower, cabbage, peas, tomatoes, lettuce, beetroot, broccoli, celery, rhubarb, raspberries (canes from last year) and strawberries. Seeds I have just planted are carrot, zuchinni, radish, pumpkin, and capsicum. So far I have watered all of these EVERY DAY! This has to be a record for me! Time will tell if I manage to keep it up. Also time will tell if I actually manage to harvest anything! So often my vege garden grows and grows and grows and goes to seed .... ooooops! And thinning is not my strong point - sorry carrots! And weeding is not my strong point!

So yes, very busy, but I do need to get back to blogging, even if it is only once a week.

About Me

After years of trying, and ultimately failing to have a child, we are embracing a child free life brought to us by infertility. I am so very thankful that my mindset has accommodated this unexpected change to my life plan. Probably helps that I never really planned my life all that much to begin with.
We are dairy farmers, so have many cows, 2 dogs, 3 chickens, and 3 goldfish to keep us busy.