Thursday, June 30, 2011

Whilst recently watching some network TV (probably the Bachelorette, God help me, that feels like my fucking job half the time), I happened to see an ad for Red Lobster's special Seafood Feast, wherein one might get a 4-course dinner for $15!!! THAT'S A HELL OF A DEAL. I couldn't find the ad online (because, what, there is nobody in the United States uploading all Red Lobster ads on YouTube? FUCK YOU AMERICA GET TO WORK. Sure, we have this one - FROM 2009 - or this one - FROM 1986 - but nothing for the Seafood Feast? WEAK.)

A N Y W A Y, there is a curious disclaimer at the end of the ad, reproduced here in their online advertising thing:

Now, ignore, if you can, the prospect of some signature New England Clam Chowder followed by some Shrimp-and-Scallops Alfredo and look there at the bottom. See it?

PRICES HIGHER IN TIMES SQUARE AND HAWAII

Now, Hawaii I can understand. It's very expensive to ship frozen processed seafood to an ISLAND CHAIN SURROUNDED BY AN OCEAN FULL OF FISH. It must take tons of fossil fuels to deliver each savory bite of parmesan-crusted tilapia to your table in Honolulu.

BUT HERE'S THE THING.

If you are in New York City, and you go to eat at Red Lobster, KILL YOURSELF. And not just because prices are higher in Times Square! But because you are in one of the greatest dining destinations in the World and you have chosen to drop off your hard-earned dollars in one of the crappiest chains there is. I don't eat a lot of seafood and I don't live in New York, but I will bet you ANYTHING there is a better seafood within walking distance of Times Square that's either comparable or cheaper.

Now I'm not some "Oh, I wouldn't dare eat at a chain" kind of snob. When I'm in the South, I loves me some Cracker Barrel and don't even get me started on Krystal. I want to open a Krystal here and CLEAN THE FUCK UP. I have been known to partake of In N Out, although I fail to see its mysterious allure, and fuck it, I'll throw down at McD's when the time is right.

But here's our standing deal: When we're traveling somewhere, NO CHAINS. C'mon, you've gone 500 or 1000 or 5000 miles away from home and the best thing you can think of is to have lunch at the same place you can hit while you're waiting for your car at Jiffy Lube back home? COME ON MAN.

[DISCLAIMER - I've never really traveled to the Far East and I guess if you went to China and all you had was squid eyes and catfish roe and dirt patties for a week, I could cut you some slack on posting up at KFC. But you're on an Intra-American trip, I'm pretty strict on this. NO CHAINS.]

[Second disclaimer - In the interests of exploration and reportage, I did hit up Supermac's last time I was in Ireland, which is like the Irish equivalent of McDonald's. Terrible. But none of the food in Ireland is any good. Well, there was this vegetable soup at this pub in Gerrykennedy that was really really good. But that's about it.]

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Like Romeo and Juliet, this season of the Bachelorette has also been all about star-cross'd lovers, although instead of the Montagues and Capulets, we have a relentlessly perky future dentist from Maine and a heavy-lidded sociopath from Salt Lake City with a daughter named "Cozy." This season has been all about Ashley Chipmunk and Bentley and we are reminded of that fact by his name coming up about 10 times in the first 3 minutes of this episode and as it turns out ABC has flown him to Hong Kong, the next stop on our Worldwide Tour, and I am hoping for a murder-suicide but will no doubt be disappointed. Instead, Chipmunk goes to see him in the hotel and I guess he sort of dumps her or something and anyway she walks away to this swelling music that is meant to make us think that she is a Soaring Bird Who Will Fly Away With Love. She also sums it up with a bleeped "fuck you" and would have come in handy, oh, THREE EPISODES AGO.

Let's get back on track now. Solo date with Lucas, who has never been to any big city, so Hong Kong should be a good start. Chipmunk must be feeling better because she's back to spouting her usual inanities like "Look at the street market! People are selling things!" (ACTUAL QUOTE, NOT MADE UP.) Very good, Ashley! What does the cow say? Then they have some dinner on a boat and he tells his boring divorce story and whatever. Why did I decide not drinking on Monday nights was a good idea?

Group date time. The 6 losers are separated into groups of 2 and then electrocuted on the beach. No, wait, I was just imagining that. No, instead they must fan out in Hong Kong and recruit people to man dragon boats for a race. A surprising number of locals have Prior Dragon Boat Experience! It must be like Rec League softball there. Anyway, then there's a dragon boat race that's about as interesting as a rerun of the McNeil-Lehrer Report from 1981. For the Night Portion of the date, we are off to some Vegas hotel-looking bar where Ames yanks Chipmunk into an elevator and does what I guess he imagines the humans think is romantic. Seriously, this guy is SO FUCKING WEIRD. He's like a bad actor trying to play someone who's uncomfortable all the time.

Solo date w/ JP. They're having dinner in "Kowloon Walled City," she thinks but I don't think so because "demolition began in March 1993 and was completed in April 1994." Oh, wait, I guess there's a touristy replacement thing. Anyway, usual outdoor dining thing. God forbid we go more than 10 minutes without a Bentley reference so she tells him all about her meetup with Bentley and JP nods all understanding-like and he's all like "Thank you for your honesty," you crazy fucking basket case. Then they take some tram up to the top of this mountain and HOLY SHIT THERE'S THAT SAME GUY FROM EVERY SUBWAY STATION PLAYING THAT CHINESE INSTRUMENT THING. You cannot get away from that guy. He is stalking us all.

Cocktail Party! Holy shit, things are busting out all over with Chipmunk and the Breastanator 5000 dress she's rocking. Lest another second pass without a mention of He Who Is Called Bentley, she repeats her fucking Breakup Story to the whole group and ABOUT FUCKING TIME instead of cocking their heads to the side and saying "Awwwww," THEY PISSED. Good for you guys! Chipmunk deploys the Girl Natural Defense Mechanism, crying alone quietly, but they ain't having it. Mickey's all "I don't know what you saw in that guy" and bounces! Good for you, man! Blake gets all pissed too but then he realizes this isn't really helping but it's too late because once you're mean to Ashley she will love you forever never forgive you. He gets cut.

Exit interview: Blake says, plaintively, "I just want a friend." Blake, you need to be on "America's Next Top SPCA Rescue" because WE ARE NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.

Monday, June 27, 2011

As you no doubt know, Telecom Giant and Notorious Provider of Craptastic iPhone Service AT&T wants to install 726 huge fucking ugly graffiti magnets all over the city. 726 is a lot of boxes! These vertical outdoor urinals will be 4 feet high, a little over four feet long, and a little over two feet wide. In other words, a grey monolith the approximate size of a Vespa, but without the annoying little twerp in the scarf.Photo illustration with helpful dimensions courtesy of the SF Appeal, who doesn't know I'm using it but are hopefully cool with that.

Now, the last thing I want in SF is 700 of these sidewalk-blocking pieces of shit clogging up corners all over goddam town, but I'm sure in the end AT&T will end up getting their way and we'll have all kinds of new obstructions and places for kewl wheatpastes and for hobos to throw up on. Here's the one thing I can't find out from any article:

WHAT DOES THE CITY GET OUT OF THIS DEAL?

Hopefully someone out there knows and can tell me. What I can tell you is that, at a minimum, San Francisco should be getting $13,500 a month from AT&T in rental if this goes through. Honestly, if our feckless Board of Supes had any fucking balls, they'd say "Sure, AT&T, put your boxes up. FOR A MILLION BUCKS A MONTH. Take it or leave it." But they won't do that.

So at least ask for $13,500 a month. These boxes have a footprint of about 9.2 square feet, so 726 of them are a total of 6,679 square feet. Here's a house near Alamo Square with "almost 7,000 square feet" that's renting for $13,500 a month. SOUNDS FAIR. So that's the MINIMUM fucking price the BoS should extract from International Devourer of Souls AT&T.

[USUAL DISCLAIMERS: If part of this deal is some huge cash injection into the city that I just don't know about, apologies all around and I'm sorry I called you "feckless," Board of Supervisors. You should be publicizing that! But if you can't even get market rate rent, you are more fucking hopeless than I thought. Also, fuck AT&T. You think they're going to force Comcast to lower their rates? Yeah, maybe for a month. Then, 6 months later, everyone will be charging the same and we'll have these Toilet Towers all over town for no reason.]

Saturday, June 25, 2011

I have journeyed into what passes for Middle America around here and have returned with some stunning news:

AUTO RACING IS SUPER BADASS.

Like all of us, I have made fun of NASCAR forever. I mean, who could possibly enjoy watching cars go around and around for a couple of hours? THAT'S STUPID. But guess what? It's like hockey or strippers or Bananas Foster. YOU HAVE TO SEE IT IN PERSON TO GET THE APPEAL.

Backstory: The Wife won this trip thing at work. Basically it included a night at this hotel in Santa Rosa and a big group dinner (for like 30 winners in her industry) at Johnny Garlic's, one of celebrity chef/professional irritant Guy Fieri's places, and then going to the Thunder Valley Casino Resort 200 at Infineon Raceway in Sonoma on Saturday.

So I take it that it's kind of the minor leagues for NASCAR but I don't really know anything about NASCAR so I don't know how the whole thing works. The "real" NASCAR race with the famous drivers is on Sunday and that apparently is when 100,000 people show up and I hate crowds so I'm glad we weren't going to that. ANYWAY we got to watch it from a "Tower Suite" with free food and booze and they could have fat guys racing lawnmowers and if there's free food and booze I'd watch it.

That guy in front waving was the guy who put the whole thing on. Super nice guy.

So before we were all "Yeah, whatever, auto racing" but then you get there and the cars are whizzing by at like 100 mph and it is fucking DEAFENINGLY LOUD if you're outside and I don't know, there's something really cool about the whole thing. Early on I chose to be a fan of the #6 King Taco car driven by one Luis Martinez Jr. and at one point he was in 5th place but I think he finished last. After like 5 laps, I was totally into it, against every preconceived notion I had. Being in the Tower Suite probably helped with this but maybe it's cool just to be in the stands too.

So that's my discovery! Auto racing is fun! Now, I'm not sure I'm going to turn on the TV every Sunday or any Sunday at all and ever watch it again but seeing it in person is certainly impressive. Also, maybe this isn't typical of every race but by the end those cars were all beat to shit and had major body damage and parts hanging off them and shit. YAY FOR WRECKED STUFF.

(The less said about Johnny Garlic's the better. Part of this dinner was unlimited free wine, so that part was good. But honestly, Guy Fieri, is that was real "wagyu beef," I'm a cow.)

(Also, it strikes me as sorta funny that this is the most hetero thing I could possibly have done on Pride Weekend.)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Let me just say preliminarily that I'm a little freaked out right now because when I took my dog for his walk at like 6:30 this morning we came around a corner and he got attacked by 3 bigger dogs. I got them off him and scooped him up and managed to yell "Put your fucking dog on a leash" before I saw that they had leashes on but I guess the chick walking them couldn't control her dogs. Last I saw as I was scurrying away was her chasing one of the dogs down the middle of the fucking street. My dog's back leg got cut and he was bleeding but now it's stopped but I'm kind of freaked out even though he's fine. Sheesh, being a parent must be fucking IMPOSSIBLE if I get this freaked out about my dog getting hurt. I don't know how you guys do it.

ANYWAY. Last night we went to see Okkervil River at the Fox in Oakland. I used to like Okkervil River. In case you're not familiar, it's semi-anthemic earnest guitar-based indie rock for white people. Seriously, I did not see a single Person of Color at the show. Not even an Asian. This must be what Iceland looks like.

So just a couple of observations about Okkervil River at the Fox Theater:

1. I say I "used to like" Okkervil River because I'm not sure if I love them any more. They kind of lost me halfway through their set when they did the obligatory Slow Portion with the lead singer Will Sheff just playing acoustic guitar by himself and then it went on and on and on with one dirge after another and it was SO BORING. Is it possible my attention span's gotten shorter as I've gotten older? How could that be?

2. Speaking of Will Sheff, it occurs to me that he sorta looks like Time Lincecum! Check it out:

Weird, huh?

3. I know I sound like a crank who just likes to bitch, but I have sung Okkervil River's praises in the past, so that's not entirely true. I mean, I am a crank who likes to bitch, but not just a crank who likes to bitch.

4. No, really, when I saw them at the Independent a few years ago, it was maybe one of the best shows I've ever seen! They were fucking KILLER. Significantly, there was no long boring part in the middle.

5. The encore was "Westfall" and "Unless It's Kicks," so that was good. "Unless It's Kicks" is maybe one of my favorite songs ever.

6. I like the Fox in Oakland. The floor level has these different levels that lead up to the bar and at one of them there are tables and chairs. Where anyone can just sit! Heaven for old people like me. And the usher in front of us kept shooing people OUT OF OUR SIGHT LINE like I was the Prime Minister or something! I must have clicked on some box to get this service when I ordered the tickets online.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Went with Jessica and Stephen to SFMOMA today to check out some art. If you haven't seen "The Steins Collect," what the fuck are you waiting for? Do you hate art and beauty? What kind of fucked-up person are you? Go see it. Anyway.

We got out of there around 3:30 and it's a beautiful day out and so we thought we might grab a quick drink. THIS IS WHEN THINGS WENT WRONG.

First thought: B Restaurant, in Yerba Buena Center. I knew it had outdoor tables and you gotta sit outdoors on the 3 days a year it's warm enough in San Francisco to sit outdoors. No dice. They weren't open until 4:30.

New plan: We will return to the Mission and get some beers at Rosamunde and sit on their front porch. BZZZT it's totally full when we get there because no one in the Mission has a job so a bunch of deadbeats and losers had already filled up the whole porch. Dorks.

Next plan: But wait! The Liberties has like 10 or 15 outdoor tables! Perfect! Quick walk there. Maybe 3 or 4 of the outdoor tables are taken. Plenty of room! Finally! We will realize our dream! So we walk in and there's one guy at the bar and the bartender and that's it. We're getting ready to order and she says, "Are you guys planning to take these outside?" And we're all "Yeah," thinking we have to order from a waitress outside or something.

"You have to order food to sit outside," she says.

Wait what. "Do we have to order, like, a LOT of food?" Jessica asks, not unreasonably.

"You have to order one item per drink." So we were all "You have got to be kidding" and left.

Now, seriously, The Liberties, are you fucking kidding me? You just lost the business of three heavy drinkers in an empty bar with at least 10 empty tables outside. Is that a good business plan? I get that you want to capitalize on your outdoor seating when it's nice out, but seriously, why fucking turn away business when the tables will just sit empty? I mean, who does that?

Also, I've sat at those outside tables plenty of times before without ordering food. So that whole thing was fucked.

(As you may have gathered, I'm off work this week so I've been taking the dog to the beach and all over town so much that he basically thinks we're going steady now and I'm also doing things like going to the museum on a Tuesday. Yes, I am taking a few days off but not leaving town but DO NOT say that word, the one you're thinking, that starts with an "S" and ends with "aycation." Do not say that word.)

So we're still in Thailand and it seems that we're moving the whole operation to Chiang Mai, which features "many relaxing bars, several discotheques, live music venues and one street with hostess bars which cater to tourists." The Douche Alliance is installed in some faux colonial dump w/ Thai restaurant music and we see Ashley Chipmunk walking along and we're 4 minutes in before we get our first voiceover mention of Bentley, who continues to infect this show like malaria or fire ants.

Solo date with Ben F., "Sonoma winemaker," who really does look like one of the late stages in an "Evolution of Man" exhibit at the Natural History Museum. They take one of those DPT Cushman mobiles into town and visit the "Umbrella Making Centre," where I guess tourists can simulate producing consumer goods for America for 50 cents an hour. Then they sit in front of a Very Sacred Thai Temple where they're apparently not allowed to make out, so Chipmunk suggests they do a "mental kiss" and this is where The Wife said "This is like a fucking high school......oh...ugh, ugh....."

Cut to the Nighttime Part of the date. She's wearing a romper made out of a very ugly tablecloth. They have your usual Outdoor Dinner at some Thai place. He gets the #14 and then blabs on and on and on and on about his Dad dying and his feelings and whatever blah blah blah even Chipmunk looks bored until the Fire Dancers and Fire Breathers come out and she's like THANK GOD I don't have to listen to Mr. Here's Every Fucking Thing That's Ever Crossed My Mind any more.

Group Date. 8 douches will enter the ring and sadly 8 will leave. It seems that we are doing Muay Thai boxing, which sounds GREAT to me because someone might be killed or paralyzed and then I'll like this show again. They do some crazy Muay Thai workout for like 8 hours and Ames is all "Not the face, please! Not my beautiful face!" They divvy up some boxing gear and get in the ring in some public square in front of a bunch of Thai people who are all "Who are these fuckers and why won't they hurt each other? Fuck."

You just know Ames is going to get killed because he's a Delicate Flower and YEP he gets knocked around and is led to an ambulance and whisked away to a Thai ER room where I guess some powdered rhinoceros horn and some spells will fix him right up. Later, at the Nighttime Portion of the Group Date, Ames makes a dramatic reappearance and I think his "Portfolio Manager" career might be over unless the portfolio is Care Bears stickers because he looks fucked up real bad. Meanwhile, in a solo interview, William inexplicably says "Who has 2 thumbs and is gonna win the rose on the 2 on 1 date? This guy," pointing at himself because I guess Ashley made it clear she was only marrying guys with 2 thumbs. Ashley mentions Bentley about 12 more times and gives Generic Man Blake a rose.

DOUBLE BRO DATE. William and Ben C. raft Chipmunk down a river like it's "Apocalypse Now" or something and William talks all kinds of shit about how Ben C. said he'll "clean up" on those "dating websites" and fucking Chipmunk is just like REALLY OH THAT'S BAD and fucking gets rid of Ben C. RIGHT THEN. Like why would you believe that superdouche? Why does this girl do these things? Who knows. Oh wait, she says she didn't like him anyway. He gets the Emo Raft-Away instead of the Emo Limo-Away.

We segue into yet another Outdoor Dinner, this time with William. He gives everyone major creeps by saying he's a "30 year old boy" and she tells him to GTFO. Back to your fun life selling cell phones to a gullible mall-going public.

OK, back at the resort for the Pre-Rose. Chipmunk sits down with Chris Harrison and wants to talk about Bentley. Chris Harrison is just as pissed about this as all of us.

He wishes he could kick her off the fucking show and I do too. Let's bring in Chantal from last season to do some mop up because this bitch crazy.

Soul Patch Guy gets cut. I can't remember his name. You don't care anyway. Why didn't Ames get cut? The Wife knows: "You can't put him on a plane. His head would explode." I feel the same way.

Friday, June 17, 2011

As I have noted on Twitter, The Sister is currently visiting Moms in Arizona. I, thankfully, am not. Here is a series of text messages I have received so far today from what appears to be a rapidly declining situation:

9:56 amGood morning! For breakfast I was presented with moldy raspberries and a broken spatula w/ no handle to make frittatas.

10:03 amCan't make this shit up.

10:04 amWhy do you keep a broken fucking spatula? It's splintered and has NO HANDLE. Fuck.

10:27 amToday we are also featuring a Facebook tutorial.

1:12 pmTutorial did NOT go well.

1:13 pmShe is on FB but doesn't want to use it ever.

1:15 pmShe doesn't understand it and doesn't want to figure it out.

1:26 pmNow trying to explain youtube. Sigh.

1:46 pmEvery item of food in this house is revolting. I'm not having a good time.

1:56 pmShe got mad and was like "You always say everything I have is rotten!" BECAUSE IT IS.

2:02 pmThen she opened her cookie tin where she stores cookies and kale chips together bc she only has one tin.

2:02 pmI said, these kale chips taste like oatmeal cookies. That was why.

If you're reading this and you live in a city, you probably either have or have had problems with some annoying fucking neighbors. I have had some bad experiences myself, like:

- When I lived (unfortunately and sadly) in Santa Cruz, I lived in this condo building near the beach and the next door neighbors were this old white couple from Walnut Creek that perfectly summed up and embodied "old white couple from Walnut Creek" with the fucking late-model Caddy and the condescending attitude and the whole 9 and they would come down to their Weekend Place which happened to adjoin my Everyday Place and they would fucking BLAST THEIR TV LIKE THEY WERE TRANSMITTING MATLOCK INTO SPACE and I had to have a talk with the old lady and she couldn't understand what the fuck was wrong. Bitch.

- Oh and as I alluded to last week, my place in North Beach was directly above a Divorced Mom Who Became a Lesbian and her two right-around-teenage kids and Mom used to jet off on the weekends to do lesbian stuff or whatever and leave the kids alone right around the time they discovered metal and you can guess where it went from there. Now, I'm not exactly a go-to-bed-when-the-sun-sets kinda guy, especially on weekends, but when the Metallica starts up at fucking 9 am on a Saturday YOU BET YOUR ASS WE'RE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM. Little fuckers. I hope they're both in juvie now. GREAT JOB PARENTING ABSENTEE MOM.

We lucked out and have a place now that only has one wall in common with another place and so we don't really have neighbor problems any more except for the Creepy Old Guy whose back stair landing faces our back door. COG looks to be maybe late 60s and is bald and bearded and British, apparently, and typically wears suspenders and a t-shirt and comes out to smoke on his back landing and also FUCKING BLARES music outside to the whole fucking neighborhood, shit like Bob Dylan and Cab Calloway and scratchy old blues records. For the life of me I can't understand why he has to open all his doors and treat the entire neighborhood to his stupid fucking music but he usually turns it off by around 8 so I guess I don't have to kill him and his family YET.

ANYWAY. I don't want to hear this bullshit about "It's a city, if you don't like it move to the suburbs." Fuck you. This is about common courtesy. We all live on top of each other and a little bit of thoughtfulness goes a long way. So here's how to be a good neighbor:

1. When you come home shitfaced at 2 am, don't fucking blast "California Gurls." If you want to rock out to some guilty pleasures, you have headphones. Use them.

2. Do you live above someone? Any time something hits your floor, I guarantee it sounds like a bomb going off through the ceiling to your downstairs neighbor. Watch it with clomping around in your Doc Martens.

3. Why are you hanging pictures at 1 am on a Tuesday? If you're not spun out on meth, you have no excuse. Driving nails is a Daytime Activity.

4. I know "According to Jim" reruns are funnier when you can hear them in every room of your apartment, but give us a break and turn the fucking TV down a little bit.

Life is tough and we all have our own struggles to work through. But we can all get along better and be happier and more productive citizenbots if we just look out for each other. Take 30 fucking seconds and think about someone besides yourself, OK?

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Not a good week. Lots of subpar electropop, plus yet another song in Spanish that I don't feel qualified to judge. Let's get started.

Andy Grammer, "Miss Me"

You've heard this song a million times before. It sounds like the background music in a commercial for visiting Nevada or something. It's super-clean and shiny and totally devoid of life. This will show up in a Kate Hudson romcom during the "we broke up and I'm sad and moping around the house" montage towards the end.

Owl City, "Deer in the Headlights"

Ugh, this is terrible. It's like they didn't even put any effort into it. Just string together some synth effects and any melody that pops into your head and call it a day. Are all their songs this bad? No wonder people hate them so much. Fuck this.

Jadakiss, "Hold You Down" (f/ Emmany)

Seriously, I was really liking Jada at the beginning and then WHAM we get hit with the totally predictable R&B chorus. Why you gotta mess up a perfectly good rap song by cutting and pasting a Destiny's Child chorus in the middle of it? Oh well, guess "Emmany" needs to work too.

Ziggy Marley, "Forward to Love"

Really, Ziggy? This is what you're doing? This isn't any good, even by reggae standards. I mean, it seriously sounds like something some white college kids put together after listening to "Legend" for a whole semester.

Junior Boys, "Itchy Fingers"

WOW THIS IS SO BORING.

Here are some sentences you might hear when this is playing in the background:

"The dentist will see you now."

"Your call is very important to us. Please continue to hold and we will be with you shortly."

"Welcome to T.J. McGillicudy's! My name is Cody and I'll be your server today."

The video, which seems to involve a herd of bison trying to keep from getting crushed by falling statutes, is far more interesting than the song. Poor bison. I thought Justice was supposed to be good? This isn't very good.

Sie7e, "Tengo tu love"

I'm kind of uncomfortable judging songs sung mostly in Spanish because I don't really know enough about the genres to know what I'm talking about. This is some kind of vaguely reggae-ish thing where the guy uses some English words like "love" and "black card" and whatever, I'm not the right person to ask.

THE VERDICT:Even though they're all free, nothing worth downloading this week. Unless you happen to love terrible electropop. Seriously, Owl City must be stopped, for the good of music.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Tonight the Douchecabal is off to Thailand where they will hopefully die in a powerboat drug-smuggling incident but probably not. We will also not be able to count the number of times Ashley Chipmunk says the name "Bentley" in voiceover. She loves that psychopath SO SO SO MUCH.

Solo date with Constantine, who has a head like a soccer ball and a lazy eye. They were gonna take a boat out to a private beach but the weather's no good so you know what Constantine's backup plan is? LET'S GO SHOPPING! The romance is strong in this one. They head into town in Phuket or whatever and Chipmunk sees a holy Thai shrine and squeals "That's so cute!!!" like it's a Chuck E. Cheese or something. She is really a dipshit, no joke. Constantine wants to interact with some locals so they stop to ask a kindly old shopkeeper for his advice on marriage and they rope in some hapless kid to interpret and he says "YOU BUY EVERYTHING IN STORE YOU HAPPY FOREVER" no actually he says something about "Don't try to win" which is fine if you're a BIG PUSSY. Anyway, they don't buy anything and then they have awkward beers at some kind of cafe and SHE STARTS BITCHING ABOUT BENTLEY IN VOICEOVER.

The dinner portion of the date is at our usual outdoor seaside cabana thing. Guess who's on Chipmunk's mind? One guess.

They fucking blather on about nothing and Soccer Ball Head gets a rose.

OK, next day. Group date. How do you think it starts? If you guessed "TALKING ABOUT FUCKING BENTLEY," go ahead and cut yourself as a reward. You've been very good holding out this long and we'll tell your therapist it was an accident.

Chipmunk takes about 10 douches out to this orphanage thing. "Maybe some of you guys know," she says, "but in 2004 there was a huge tsunami here and it left a lot of people really devastated." The guys all furrow their brows and try to figure out what the hell she's talking about. As it happens, they're going to do some cleaning and painting and whatnot at the orphanage and this is actually very very nice and it's hard for me to make fun of this except to say that the lime-aqua combo they're using to paint one of the rooms is TRAGIC.

Oh look, Ben F. has gone the extra step and painted a mural on one wall!

Time for some Post-Charity Cocktails. Chipmunk tells Ben F. she "went through a hard time last week" and you know who she's talking about and this is now veering into the very very strange. Anyway, he manages to get a little makeout sesh with her which he then botches by actually saying "Ruh Roh" in the middle of it. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE.

She goes off to talk to JP her BFF from last episode. You know who she mentions in the V.O. at this point right?

Anyway, she and JP start making out and whatever.

Next day, solo date with "Ames," the "Portfolio Manager" from "New York." As it happens, this nerdy little Achievebot has been to Phuket before! Alone! To go to cooking school!

What's this? A text from my sister, who says what we're all thinking at this point:

"Total gay. He is hoarding his roses to make potpourri."

What, a straight man can't go to Thailand alone to go to cooking school? No, as a matter of fact, he can't. Wait, here's Ames' account of his Best First Date: "I met SOMEBODY in a shoe store and they said 'What are you doing tonight' and I said 'Going out with you.'" They ended up dating a long time. Make of that what you will. Also, he tells Chipmunk he's looking for somebody "open-minded." OH I BET YOU ARE.

Another outdoor dinner! Another mention of You Know Who!

Ames looks at the rose on the table and says he prefers to think of it as a "floral piece." Girlfriend is redecorating the cabana in his mind already! He gets the floral piece and Chipmunk gets a new Gay Best Friend.

The Pre-Rose Cocktail Party is back on this week after a terrible hiatus last week. Chipmunk has a little chat with West, who definitely did not kill his first wife. He's ready to "move on" and presumably NOT KILL AGAIN. Chipmunk says she has "some pretty big shoes to fill." Pretty big bathtub full of water after you have a seizure too! That was terrible. I'm sorry about that.

Chipmunk sits down with Our Host Chris Harrison. Guess who she wants to talk about? Milton Friedman. No, silly! Anyway, she's only sending one guy home this week. Fuck, at this rate this show is going to take fucking FOREVER to finish. Cut to Rose Ceremony. West gets cut. SO TO SPEAK. If you decide to date West, take showers instead of baths. Just a little friendly advice.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Last night or maybe this morning I received a provocative text message from Olu. It was "Let's crush some 40s and watch this video of a Marina girl throwing up that's on this iPhone I found on the bus." No, not really. It said:

"Thought experiment. Could the Giants pitchers defeat the Giants hitters? Mind you the hitters have to pitch, and the pitchers have to field all positions."

MIND. BLOWN.

FACT: Olu and I are kind of baseball geeks. The kind that might think about this.

FACT: The pitchers totally win. Check out the pitchers' lineup:

2B R Ramirez .213

SS S Casilla .238

1B M Cain .233

RF M Bumgarner .268

CF R Vogelsong .226

C G Mota .273

LF J Sanchez .205

3B B Wilson .224

P T Lincecum .224

Are you shitting me? How is that any worse than the actual lineup they're throwing out there today? PITCHERS TOTALLY SMOKE THE POSITION PLAYERS.

Who's gonna pitch for the Fieldies? Schierholtz, I guess. We know he has a cannon. But even an 80 mph fastball is only a little bit better than batting practice. Can you see Nate turning and watching a J-San knock sail over the left field wall? YOU THINK NATE CAN THROW A SLIDER? Fuck that shit.

Exercise has never really been my bag. I mean, for most of my life I had this crazy metabolism where I could eat anything I wanted and still look like a P.O.W. but I usually didn't eat that much anyway unless a lime in a Jack and Coke counts as food. Then you get to a certain age and shit starts to go south. You know what I'm talking about. I'm not like morbidly obese but I'm 6'4" and hovering around 200 freaks me out. I used to rock a solid 185 pretty much all the time so you know what I'm saying.

Also, exercise is supposedly good for you and whatever. If walking to a bar counts as exercise then I used to be all set.

SO ANYWAY I've been trying out some exercise. A few years ago when I lived in North Beach I used to take these long epic walks to like the Presidio and back but that wasn't just for exercise but also because I lived above these two kids whose Mom used to take off and leave them alone and they'd blast Metallica at like 9 on a Monday night and I just had to get out of thew house. Then I joined a gym but I didn't really like it because I'm not really a gym person and everyone else there was super fucking annoying (I'm talking to you, Bluetooth Guy Who Drank Coffee While Working Out Like What the Fuck). I used to run cross country back in high school and tried doing that again but it was fucking murder on my knees so I had to abandon that.

So you guys I know this is boring but I think I finally found my thing. It's doing these workout that things they have on Comcast On Demand with Chris Freytag.

This bitch has this whole set of like 20-minute long workouts on On Demand and she is KICKING MY FUCKING ASS. Swear to God, you may think TV workouts are for bored housewives and mental deficients, but by the time one of these gems is over I'm squirting sweat from every pore and breathing like a fat kid at Field Day. Bitch has no mercy.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Like many of you, or nobody else in the world, I spent last night flipping back and forth between The Trials of Ashley Chipmunk on DVR and the 13-inning marathon that the Giants eventually won and so forgive me if I accidentally write about Chipmunk's date with Jeremy Affeldt or seem to remember Bentley bunting in the 11th. ANYWAY.

Solo date with Ben C. I have no memory of this anonydude. Chipmunk tells us that she's been working with "Flash Mob America" to coordinate the perfect Flash Mob. Oh Christ. Flash Mob America's website is down today, I assume because there are thousands of mouthbreathing jelly donuts who have never heard the term "Flash Mob" and are furiously looking it up on AOL today but their Tumblr says they are "a nationwide, full service Flash Mob production company with an extensive community of passionate Flash Mob enthusiasts from all over the country!" Oh fuck you.

Anyway, they go to some fancy-ass strip mall with a lawn called "The Americana" in fucking Glendale and sit on the tiny patch of grass while tourists and shopaholics photograph them like they're snow leopards or retarded monkeys. Then Flash Mob America shows up for a carefully packaged and rehearsed spontaneous dance exhibition to "Like a G6" and God if I never hear that song again it'll be too soon. Oh look, Far East Movement is here because I guess donating bone marrow or going to a poetry slam wasn't painful enough.

(At this point, I got a text from an associate that said "Helicopters: Out. Asians: In" but I didn't understand it at all until she clarified that Far East Movement contains Asians but it's cool because she's 1/4 Asian.)

They have dinner at the Hilton Checkers (really, Hilton? Hilton Checkers? The fuck?) and Ben C. is apparently dining on pharmaceutical grade cocaine because he starts babbling wildly about wanting to "live in a bubble with somebody" which is in fact an "unrealistic idealistic bubble where we're convinced we're more in love than any other couple that ever lived" and then sucks in air through his teeth and goes "MAN I FUCKING LOVE THE HILTON CHECKERS AND BEING ON THIS SHOW. FUCKING LOVE IT." Chipmunk seems to like this mania.

Back at Douche Ranch, Mask Guy takes Ash aside and is ready to take off the mask and he does it and OMG IT'S COREY HAIM HE IS STILL ALIVE oh wait no, it's just another jerkoff with a Failed Dating Strategy. Whatever.

For our Group Date, a bunch of us will go to the Comedy Store in LA and do a Hi-Fucking-Larious roast of Ashley. I'm running long here, so I'll condense it: Small boob joke; small boob joke; small boob joke; William says he wishes it was Emily or Chantal on the show instead of Chipmunk; small boob joke. WHOOPS! Ashley cries and cries. Bentley goes to comfort her in his menacing way and says her boobs are great and chuckles evilly and SHE EATS THAT SHIT UP. Meanwhile, William keeps hitting himself in the head with his shoe and going "Stupid! Stupid!" Dramatic shots of him wandering the streets of West Hollywood. Ashley is chatting with Demasked Guy, who tries to comfort her by telling her he adopted a three-legged dog. CHRIST MASK GUY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT? Also, her fake eyelashes are now all wet and look like swim fins attached to her eyelids. Gross.

Next day at the Bachelorette house, Chipmunk is walking around the pool and gazing meaningfully into middle distance. She is in love with Bentley, we learn. Cut to Bentley, who says he's not "feeling it" and he "played everyone" and WTF? If by "played everyone" you mean "convinced America that I'm a psychopathic monster," then yes. He goes over there to tell her he's splitting. He makes up some shit about missing his daughter but tells us secretly it's just because he's not feeling it. Chipmunk cries cries cries cries. How will she go on without this emotionless crapmonster in her life? He's off to go home and tend to the severed heads in his fridge and torture some animals or whatever. Chicks love assholes. It is so true.

But now who will treat me like shit? PLEASE DON'T GO!!!

So she's got to pull herself together for a date with JP Gordon-Levitt. This date is apparently ordering Chinese food and sitting on the floor in PJs while she cries about Bentley. What is he, her fat best friend? Maybe they'll braid each other's hair and make collages! He gets the Sympathetic Friend Rose. Then they make out.

No pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party b/c Chipmunk is still devastated about Psycho Killer leaving. Let's go straight to the cuts. She is wearing a dress made from crumpled aluminum foil. Maybe she and JP did crafts last night too! I fast-forwarded through most of this but I can report that she cut Mask Guy, who can now form a traveling circus with his three-legged dog, and some guy named Chris who I didn't know was on the show. That's about it.

Monday, June 6, 2011

You may or may not know that iTunes offers a couple or a few free downloads every day. In our continuing quest to deliver Quality Content™ and Value Added Something or Other™, we will periodically listen to these free downloads and tell you if there's anything good.IS THERE ANYTHING GOOD TODAY? Sort of, maybe.

First up is a free video!

LMFAO, "Party Rock Anthem"

Oh God this is terrible. TERRIBLE. If your stated goal is to make a "Party Rock Anthem," why is it SO FUCKING BORING? Seriously, I've heard commercials with better hooks than this song.

I could give a shit about the post-apocalyptic zombie video or whatever.

Everybody involved in this should be ashamed of themselves. Or shot.

Herencia de Timbiqui, "Y Qué"

This is fine, I guess. I don't really know anything about this kind of music. Including what genre this even is. I guess I'm trying to say that this is so far outside my wheelhouse that I have no idea whether it's any good or not.

Royal Tailor, "Black & White"

This is apparently some kind of Christian pop-rock band. JESUS IS VERY MAD AT YOU FOR MAKING THIS SONG. It's like crappy Jamiroquai. Is that redundant?

(Also, maybe I'm not reading it closely enough, but I don't detect any religious content in these lyrics at all. It seems like a run-of-the-mill "I'm sorry I hurt you and I want you back" song. Maybe the Christian part is so cleverly camoflaged that only the Pure of Heart and Spirit can decipher it, and that's not me.)

Lowline, "Outside"

It's not terrible! Compared to the others, it's positively glowing! I mean, it's derivative as all hell (hello, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club!) but that's OK. I probably wouldn't seek it out but it didn't pain me to listen to it like that fucking LMFAO song.

THE VERDICT: Might as well download the Lowline song. I mean, it's free. The "Y Qué" song is fine, if you're into that kind of thing. Avoid the other two like the fucking plague. Again, and I cannot stress this enough, that LMFAO song is the aural equivalent of botulism.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Officials at the San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency are looking into why a Muni light rail operator did not let people off a train after a passenger became ill and vomited onboard, a spokesman said.

An outbound K-T train took on an unpleasant odor when a passenger began throwing up at about 8:10 a.m. at Montgomery Station, Muni spokesman Paul Rose said.

The operator was ordered to allow passengers off at Montgomery station and then to take the train directly to West Portal station, where it would be cleaned, Rose said.

"The plan was always to take the train out of service at West Portal," he said.

Control room officials, however, noticed the train still had passengers aboard as it bypassed Powell Street and Civic Center stations, and ordered the operator to stop at Van Ness station to do so, Rose said. When the train finally stopped at Van Ness station, the passengers were allowed to leave. It was then taken to the West Portal station, cleaned, and returned to service. No significant delays were reported, Rose said.

Here's how I picture it:

INT. MUNI TRAIN - UNDERGROUND

A crowded Muni train. The morning commute. Passengers sit and stand, some looking at their phones, some listening to music through white earbuds. A newspaper rustles.

Suddenly a SICK PASSENGER begins throwing up. There is an audible gasp and other PASSENGERS scurry to get out of the way of the noxious stream.

DON, a suit-wearing businessman in his late 30's standing near the front of the train, yells to the driver.

DON

Driver, stop the train! This man is ill! He is vomiting!

We see the DRIVER look over his shoulder as the train roars toward MONTGOMERY STATION.

DRIVER

The fuck you say!?

DON

Stop the train! This man needs help!

The DRIVER looks forward as the train nears the brightly-lit STATION. He narrows his eyes. We see him push the train throttle all the way forward.

DRIVER(muttering)

Fuck that.

The train roars through the station. PASSENGERS begin screaming. PEGGY, a chubby, early-50's receptionist type, looks at the DRIVER beseechingly.

PEGGY

We're all going to die in here!

PEGGY faints.

DRIVER

Maybe.

(P.S. I'm counting this as a Muni accident, and have reset the counter accordingly.)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

This is sort of going to be about "The Killing" on AMC, but sort of not also. I know that some of you are watching and enjoying it. We are too. A lot of critics appear to be very mad about this show, and I agree with some of the criticisms; there have been some ridiculous coincidences, and the fantasy that the general public breathlessly follows a mayoral election is laughable, and so on, and so on, but in general, I'd say that we're enjoying it, for what it's worth.

Now let's talk about Joel Kinnaman for a second. He's an actor from Sweden who plays one of the two detectives, and I think he's the best thing about the show. He's kind of a dirtbag former juvenile delinquent recovering meth addict who happens to be a police detective, and he has this air of quiet menace and danger that makes him far and away the most interesting character on the show. It's really worth watching just for him.

(Kinnaman also has a pretty amazing backstory - raised in Stockholm by an American expat father who had kids with a bunch of different women and so forth.)

ANYWAY, there was this interview with Kinnaman on Salon.com that is totally worth reading and really interesting and in which he blatantly lies to us at one point:

BZZZZZT!!!! You're lying, Joel Kinnaman. Know how I know you're lying? Because look what happens when you GOOGLE YOUR OWN NAME:

You see that? Fuck Yeah Joel Kinnaman is the FOURTH FUCKING RESULT. And you've never heard of it? BULLSHIT. Actors are some of the most self-centered narcissistic people on the planet. They probably Google themselves DAILY or HOURLY. And Joel's never noticed the FOURTH MOST POPULAR RESULT?

In other Joel Kinnaman news, he only has 440 followers on Twitter! I have more than that! I feel bad for him now. Let's all follow him on Twitter.

This has been your Joel Kinnaman news for the day.

(This post will probably be in the Top 10 results for his name soon. HI JOEL KINNAMAN! NO HARD FEELINGS!)

What do you think? Do you like "Cut 'N' Run"? I was also thinking "Circumfashion" or "Tip Top Removal Service."

See, if the ban passes in SF, obviously circumcision will still be legal just a stone's throw down Mission Street in Daly City, or across the bridge in Oakland, or across the other bridge in Marin. And obviously as long as there's Jews or just people who wanna circumcise their kids, there's a market for it, so VOILA, I'll be there to pick up the slack. Or cut off the slack, as it were. POW!!!

(Speaking of Marin, can't you just picture the circumcision outfit there? Soft lighting, quiet New Age music playing on hidden speakers, the gentle scent of herbal tea, and circumcision tables padded with supple calfskin. Divine.)

(The pic is some hairstylist in Toronto. Credit to Blogto.com. Hopefully no one gets mad.)

About Me

TK lives and works in San Francisco. He occasionally travels to places east of the Caldecott Tunnel, but not very often. His interests include bars, reality TV, and irony. Things seem to be going fine.