Sun 16 December 2018

I have to admit reading of this story was an exercise in
frustration for me. I think the general idea of Petunia and
Severus crying over one another’s shoulder is a great. Both of
them are nicely complicated and somehow tragical persons, so they
provide great opportunity for writing a good story. Also, the
beginning of the story (Petunia waking in a bad mistaking Severus
for her teddy bear) is great and actually pretty neatly written.
However, the moment they open their mouths, the execution falls
down completely, which is sad given this is mostly a dialogue
story. I see couple of reasons for this:

Language. There is just no way how two teenagers under the
influence whiskey both in the middle of mental breakdown talk
to each other in the long multi-clause compound sentences using
words like “albeit”. Get yourself a long swig of whiskey and
before writing each sentence down, pronounce it loud. I think
the only sentences you are allowed to use are something like
“You broke her heart, you bastard!” and even that is too
complicated. Runaway sentences, sentence fragments … those are
structures you should prefer, not long complex statements you
have.

I know that English is probably not your native language,
neither it is mine (hello from Prague!), but English really
doesn’t work well with complex complicated compound
constructs. Make it more simple, make it more simple, make it
more simple. KISS principle (keep it simple stupid!). Full
stop is your best friend in the world!

Language issues relate to

Too fast reconciliation. I just don’t believe that they would
overcome their issues so fast and easily.

Exactly because how broken and wounded they are, they are more
likely to hurt each other, to spew their prejudices over each
other, they will fight, and only after long struggle they may
forgive each other. And only through their eventual mutual
forgiveness they may find some path toward each other. You
fell in the trap of every other author: you want to have them
together so fast, you make it too easy for them. And I, as
reader, punish you by not believing you. I just cannot accept
they would pour out their hearts to each other so easily. They
are generally horribly wounded and in result rather awful and
pathetic persons. Only through forgiveness and asking for it,
they can find a way towards each other. At least for at least
half of what you have written so far they should misunderstand
each other, distrust each other, and they should be rather
nasty to each other. Only in the last two chapters (when they
fight about their attitude towards Lilly) they begin to be at
least slightly believable (ignoring horribly convoluted
language, see 1.) Which relates to

Show, don’t tell. Again, I don’t believe that so broken and
damaged teenagers would be capable of so deep introspection
and self-reflection. I don’t want them talk about how much
distrustful they are to each other, I want them to show it.
They are on the edge, or beyond the edge, of loosing their
control, they have no hope for their lives (perhaps they are
even a bit suicidal?), they cannot talk like Sigmund Freud
next to his analytical couch. Don’t bother me with their
psychological self-analysis, show me what state of mind they
are in.

I am sorry for harsh words, but reading of this story made me
really frustrated. There is so much opportunity, such great idea,
parts of the story are brilliant, and yet in the end the result
is falling far far short of what can be achieved. What Michael
Crichton wrote:

Books aren’t written - they’re rewritten. Including your own.
It is one of the hardest things to accept, especially after
the seventh rewrite hasn’t quite done it.

Thu 15 November 2018

Aristotle in the seventh and eighth chapter of his Poetics
writes:

Now, according to our definition, Tragedy is an imitation of
an action that is complete, and whole, and of a certain
magnitude … As therefore, in the other imitative arts, the
imitation is one when the object imitated is one …

Fri 26 October 2018

This certainly works as a one-shot, but as many (most?) fanfics
it is necessary to distinguish between exposition and story.
There are zillion fanfics with at least interesting exposition
(OK, so not only "what if Harry was a girl/has a sister"), but …

Thu 14 December 2017

There is a biblical verse from Galatians 3:3: “Are you so
foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected
by the flesh?” What I mean is that “Escape” and “Mr and Mrs
Percy Weasley” started as one of the best fanfictions I found
anywhere. Obviously, from …