The Challenge Recap: I don’t know how to drive stick-shift

Week after week we learn the same old adage; the least exciting thing about The Challenge is the challenges. I feel like this one was just MTV saying “let’s just embarrass the people who can’t drive stick”. Shit, I can’t drive stick. I would have looked worse than Swift did. I didn’t realize driving stick was such a well known thing. When I play basketball with randoms up at the park nobody can run a pick and roll properly, so why should it be so normal to drive stick?

I did a quick Google search of “percentage of Americans that can drive stick” and really all I came across were a bunch of random message boards with people telling the original poster that he’s an idiot and all sorts of nice things for not being able to. Well, fuck me right? I’ll just be an idiot I don’t care. I’m over this whole stick shift thing. MTV, last week TJ emasculated me because I don’t have a scar on my chin and now I feel like an idiot for not being able to drive stick. Why are you doing this? What have I ever done to you?
Enough of that, I’m over it. LET’S GET TO THE HOOK-UPS! So much happened during that entire scene when they go out for Cohutta’s birthday and so many weird ‘ships were going down, we gotta do a Challenge Hook-Ups Power Rankings. We just gotta…

5. Dustin and Emileeeee – Ok, I’m gonna try and put my super crush on Emileeeeee and all of her e’s to the side here because this one’s dumb. It’s super shocking that Dustin was able to ignore Emileeeee’s drunken, slurring advances. As much as I kid, I totally wouldn’t have been able to. Excuse me while I give some water to my high horse, it’s been a heck of a journey

4. Dustin and Jessica – Lyke omg Dustin is just sooooooo caaayuuttee like ugh #obsessed. That’s what this relationship would look like in tweet form.

3. Jaz and Swift – I’m cool with Jaz and anybody really. Can she just get her own reality show? Nobody gives better quotes than she does in her interviews. Swift kind of sucks, honestly. I know he’s new and we don’t know anything about his Challengeability yet, but whatever. Last thing we need is another cocky nobody on these shows

2. Laurel and Jordan – Here’s my thing with Laurel, she’s proven herself to be just an absolutely awful person over and over again on these things that I’ve lost all attraction I could possibly have to her just as a human being. Throw in that I never had any attraction to her as a person to begin with, and well there you go. But the reason I rank them so high is just because of the damage they could possibly do as two of the top people in the house that you can’t hate on that. But come on Jordan, you can do much better than Laurel. I mean come on. Ya know? Just, come on.

1. Nany and Cohutta – Even if Nany is clearly the most unstable person to ever come on these shows (I’ll have my Camilla thoughts in a second), she’s a straight up dime piece and Cohutta deserves all ten of those cents. Even if me and The Grindstaff (that’s his last name, there’s no way he hasn’t gotten called The Grindstaff at some point in his life) have zero in common, I really really genuinely like that dude. He’s an outdoorsman, I’m an indoorsman. He’s from the mountains of Georgia, I’m from the suburbs of Chicago. He probably grew up fishing salmon with a spear he just made, I definitely grew up playing basketball in driveways. According to his and Nany’s twitter accounts they’re still at least friends. They love screen-shotting when they Facetime. Either way, I’m team Cohany for sure the rest of their time together

I’m not even gonna attempt to break down that Nany/Camilla thing. At this point Camilla is who Camilla is. I can’t tell if it’s an act for the camera’s or if she just genuinely is an upside-down bottle of wine with a loose cork ready to spill everywhere. Either way, the novelty has completely worn off. Her zombie walk into the pool on Exes was her peak. That was MJ’s shot on Russell to win it in ’98. Everything from now on is just kind of an eye-roll. Like we get it, you’re a psycho and you like to scream at people for no reason when you get drunk. NEXT

By the way, big shout to Frank for getting the kill card two weeks in a row and staying level headed about it. I certainly would have lost my shit after that bullshit. I never thought I would like Frank after his extremely forgettable Real World season, but his Challenge career has really made me be on #TeamFrank for sure. He says this is his last Challenge ever, which I weirdly believe for some reason. Something must happen to him later this season that is just brutal (third kill card in a row next week?) for him to just so adamantly retire out of nowhere like that.

Still have no idea who’s gonna win this year. Still don’t care. Just happy we’re in season. Thank god for Game of Thrones in the halfway point between Thursdays, otherwise I wouldn’t know what to do with myself all week. See you next Thursday!