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Saturday, July 18, 2009

Wow, I received more hate mail than I can count this week because of a post I wrote earlier this week. People, people, people... sigh

Judging by the mail I received, there were many of you who misinterpreted my post, so let me waste my time clarify here. What I said was - "Listening is important in a marriage. When one spouse doesn't listen, it can make the other spouse feel bad. If communication breaks down, it's a bad thing." I also suggested crazy, off-the-wall things like, "Make sure there aren't distractions when you talk to your husband, and stay on topic instead of cluttering the conversation with a lot of words, and write things down." At the end of the post, I tried to let the reader know that it goes both ways. I wrote about husbands simply because I don't have a wife. I have a husband and my experience is with him.

I did not say, "Joe is a horrible, evil person." In fact, I said nothing specifically about Joe at all. But if you want to know, Joe is a pretty bad listener. Everyone has things they're good at. Everyone has things they need to work at. Joe can fix pretty much anything. He puts Handy Manny to shame. He's a terrible listener. Me? I have problems with procrastination and putting unrealistic expectations on people (among many other things.) So what? I did not say, "Be disrespectful to your husband," or "treat your husband like a child." I said, "It's frustrating when your husband acts like a child and listens to you as well as your children do."

As always, if you don't like a particular post or someone's entire blog, YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT. I think some people simply don't understand this. Unless someone is forcing you, at gunpoint (and I've never heard of anyone ever actually forcing a person to read at gunpoint. I mean really, what would be the point? That would be a pretty embarrassing reason to go to jail - because you held a gun to someone's head and made them read.) As I was saying, unless you're being forced to read the blog post, you can just click that little red X in the top right corner of your screen and voila, the page will disappear. It's almost like magic!

Oh and to the guy who wrote, "You shouldn't be mean to Joe because he LETS you go to blogging events and he babysits for you," do you have any idea how ludicrous that is? That's like saying I LET Joe go to work and I babysit for him while he's there. Sorry, but there's no babysitting involved when IT'S YOUR OWN KIDS!

OK? Does everybody understand now? Can we go on with our regularly scheduled blogging? Very good.

So, the other day, I ended up with 10 kids at my house. I'm not sure how this happened, but I had 4 girls and 6 boys at once. I wrote, in my book, about the differences between boys and girls and how I believe them to be absolutely innate. This was proven to me once again the other day. While the girls painted their nails, the boys ran around the yard like hyenas with ADD. When I loaded the kids in the car, the girls sang along to the radio. The boys, on the other hand, complained about having to sit next to icky girls.

One of the boys, John, announced that he wanted to "toughen up" his arms and asked his buddy, Cal to punch him in the arm until we got all the way to Tim's house. For 10 minutes, this is what I heard, "punch, punch, punch, ow, punch, punch, ow, punch, ow, punch, punch, ow." What possesses a person to do this? What??? Can you even imagine a girl asking her friend to punch her in the arm for 10 minutes straight? After I dropped off the boys, one of the girls rolled her eyes and said, "Boys are stupid." After the whole arm-punching incident, I had a hard time choking back my laughter defending my son and his friends.

78 comments:

Just my two cents, but I've always read your blog as a comic take on life. So, while you may be writing about the VERY REAL need for people (MEN) to listen (excuse me while I glare at my fiancee... he got an earful today about all the things I've been asking him about... FOR MONTHS), you are also writing about it with humor and tongue firmly in cheek.

I think people forget that you're allowed to have funny things on the internet.

Wow...you get...hate mail? Really? That's just unbeliveable. Some people have way too much time on their hands. Why would people even read? Like, I don't read any conservative political blogs, because they make me mad. So I just don't read them. Change the channel. I can't believe people take time out of their day to send you hate mail. That's crazy.

And I totally get you about the inate boy/girl differences. I am a girl, and I have three girls. Boys are a mystery to me, what with all the punching and wrestling and such. My 16 year-old daughter had an appointment one day, and when I dropped her back at school, it was lunchtime, and there were three boys jumping all over each other on the grass, just for fun. This will puzzle me until the day I die.

I think the difficult thing about a blog is that people come to think they know you so well that they have the right to email you and give you their two cents (or jerky comments). I don't know how you do it, but I certainly didn't read anything wrong into your last post. Some people need to remember that just because you blog doesn't give others the right to write nasty anonymous emails.

@@ Sorry you got hate mail. People are stupid. I love your "list" posts...they are stupendous! (and they remind me of suburbancorrespondent's!!)

I must admit that I struggle with the babysitting idea though. I tend to think of the kids as MY responsibility...and as my husband doing me a favor by watching the kids when I go away to do an errand. My MIL points out all the time to me that HE is as much their parent as me.

Did you ever, in the early days, struggle with the SAHM/working dad division of labor?

It's not as if I think I'm the primary parent, it's just that he's gone 10 hours of their little 14 hour day. I do think all the time that he's lucky because he "gets" to go to work without the kids. (I take mine with me.)

Wow...seriously hate mail?Its just a blog. Oh jeez. Would people grow up and get real?Come on, you write about your family, your opinions, your life.If people have a problem w/ that they should just stop reading (as you suggested) or grow up and realize everyone is entitled to FREE SPEECH.

I'm sorry people feel the need to send you hate mail. I love reading your blog. You capture the often frustrating things in life/families with insight and humour. You take "normal" everyday happenings and make them witty and entertaining - all for our pleasure. You remind us to see the fun in life, and to laugh at things when sometimes it would be easier to cry. But you also show us that to cry is just fine! Thankyou! Kathryn

Yes, I am amazed at the nerve of people who leave nasty comments. Don't they realize that you can delete them without having eveyone else see it? It's all to make themselves feel better. "babysit the kids..." That was too funny. Obviously someone having issues in their own life. :) I think you're hilarious. I look forward to your posts. Keep up the funny life.

Dawn, I love reading your blog. Always so amusing, even when in earnest.

And yes, it is amazing that some people forget about the little red box with the cross at the top right of the screen. I would think it would be so much easier to click the "x" than go to the trouble of sending "hate mail"

I haven't been here for awhile because I had the bright idea of taking 3 classes this summer with 4 kids still home. As my term winds down here I am only to see there are people who actually actually sending you hate mail. Here are my thoughts.

A) I don't care if you said the moon really is made of cheese it is your blog and if they don't like it they don't have to read it.

B)You are funny. They are not.

C) Some husbands need to work on listening. Some wives need to work on the way they talk

Hate mail?!? What's with that? I thought we all had the right to our own opinions! You write about things the way you see them, always with a bit of humor -- It's just amazing to me how much humor you can find in things that TOTALLY drive me insane when they happen to me! I love it! People need to remember that this is YOUR blog, and they should respect your right to write whatever you wish. As for me, I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog. You are a little ray of sunshine on a gloomy day.

I LOL at your "not listening" post, because I totally identified with it. Both my husband and my older son have a "defective listening gene". Funny thing is they got from my mother-in-law. LOL I can tell them something and they either won't hear it at all or they hear it wrong, or only partially. Then they have the audacity to tell me that I didn't tell them things. *roll eyes*

I totally enjoy your humorous/sarcastic posts. Keep up the good work and just ignore the party poopers. Sad little lives they lead.

I absoulutely related to your post the other day. A typical conerstion in my house goes something like this (10yo son, 14yo son and 35yo husband: "What's for supper?" 10yo. "Chicken, green beans and rice,"me. "What's for supper?" 14yo. "Chicken, green beans and rice," me. "Honey, what's for supper?" 35yo. "It's a surprise. You've all been in the same room asking me the same question that I've already answered. Next time listen!" me, frustrated at this point. 10yo looking confused,"What's for supper 14yo?" "I dunno. Surprise something she said." 14yo. "AAARRRGGG!!!! I hate talking to you guys! You never listen!" me. "Honey what's the matter, they only want to know what's for supper?!?!" 35yo. "Cook it yourselves then you'll all know!" me walking out of the kitchen. Yup some guys have NO listening skills. Not all guys, just the ones I'm married to or related to or given birth to or overheard in the grocery store shopping with there wives or have to deal with on a daily basis. Yup, those are the only guys who have no listening skills.

I find it almost unbelieveable that you received hate mail as a result of what you wrote about men. The emails must have been written by men and you obviously touched a nerve!!I agree that most men just dont listen and I have had so many conversations with my OH that resulted in him *innocently* saying "well, you didnt tell me!" *sighs*But as for your blogg - I realise that lots of things are written with tongue in cheek, but then as a woman I am capable of "reading between the lines" which is something else some men just dont get either.

Oh, I dunno... I think the hate mail just proves your point about poor listening. Bummer on that, Dawn, but hopefully you can hit delete and move on. I know I'd have a hard time with it, and thankfully my tiny blog has yet to receive any hate mail.

But I'm still with you on the listening part. And I just deleted all my examples. Ahhh, that felt good :)

As I sit here with a gun pointed at my head, held my husband who demands that I read rather than cook, clean or perform wild sex acts, I want you to know how much I resent reading your blog.

I could have solved the whole world peas issue by now if I didn't read you daily. Probably coulda solved our country's financial crisis too, but occasionally you don't post for a day or two and my husband ties me to the chair so that I have to check for updates every half hour or so.

You're killing me Dawn and you don't feel one iota of remorse, do you?

I have some hate mail to compose now, but it will be sent to TV executives. And maybe a few commercial writers. And the boy who didn't like me back when we were in 6th grade even though I drew pictures of hockey players just for him.

Time to ...what? Uh oh, the voice inside my head just informed me that world peas is NOT an issue after all, it is PEACE that I am supposed to be concerned with. WTH?

I don't come here for peace, I come here to laugh at your predicaments. Or to be PC, to laugh with you, not at you. Ok, that might be a lie, but it isn't hateful.

I used to have one of those new-fangled fancy stay at home dads, and he STILL said he had to babysit the kids every day! And, every once in a while, he would LET me meet my friends for dinner. He is now an EX...nuff said!

Wow, hate mail. If I interpreted your post in a completely serious way, I would've thought, "wow, Dawn had a really bad day and needed to vent." I wouldn't go write you a hate mail. But that's just me.

Don't change a thing on your blog! I look forward to reading it every day. Being a Mom of 5 and a husband who has the listening skills of a slug(love you babe)- I love reading your blog and find comfort in that my family is not alone and other families are just like us!!!

Do me a favor, send the peope who send the hate mail to you over by my house. I have a crawlspace that needs to be cleaned out and a garage sale to prepare for. I could use help. It would keep them too busy to write hate mail.

Dawn, your comic take on life is refreshing and often hilarious, and hate mail is both stupid and nasty, but isn't there a middle ground? Your blog has been a must-read for me, but that one posting and the tone of the comments it prompted made me very uncomfortable and sad, which is why I commented. Snarking at a spouse in public under the guise of humour is still harmful and hurtful, and the majority of the comments did just that. It's a dangerous and destructive place for spouses to go. It helped to destroy the marriage of one of my children, so I know first-hand what I'm talking about.

Saying that if I don't like a particular post I don't have to read it doesn't make sense, as I can't know that I don't like it until I've read it. Do you mean that you only want readers who agree with everything you write, and you only want positive comments? If so, I guess it's time to re-evaluate my reading here.

By the way, to the other writers here, I'm not a man, I'm not writing this to make myself feel better, and I don't have a sad little life, thanks very much!

I left off the most important part of the Simpsons script (the part where Marge tells them about a hundred times that she is going to audition for the play). Here is the whole thing:http://simpsons-scripts.wikidot.com/a-streetcar-named-marge

Hmm Dawn, I had to stop and go back and read the post you were referring to - Listening 101- since I hadn't read it earlier . I read absolutely NO condescending anything in that post - I laughed my ass off! I've read your book , loved it and passed it on to others. I read blog almost daily and never get offended - I read your updates on FB and twitter and still laugh or comment. Those others that feel the need to put in their two 'sense' where and be mean about it well... its Sunday and I"m not going to be mean today. I agree with you though - if they don't like it - then they should stop reading it!

I wasn't talking about your comment, GrammaMack. Perhaps you didn't notice, but I published your comment. I was talking about the hateful mail and comments I deleted. But go ahead and do what you gotta do.

See, I took your advice to heart. I started reading that post, and realized soon into it that it was not going to be all fun and games about the kids, and as I have my OWN non-listening husband to deal with, I clicked the little red X, and moved on with my day. Now that I read that you got hate mail over it, I HAD to go back and read the entire thing.

And it was just as I assumed it to be the first time I encountered it. A rant about husbands who do not pay attention, and the fact that us womenfolk assume that everything that comes out of our faces needs to be duly noted and memorized, and when it's not, then we get upset about it, and equate it with "not loving us enough to care". Men and women are wired completely differently, and knowing this, I've learned how to "man speak" to my husband, so he hears, and then "gets" what I'm saying. Worst case scenario, I send him emails. THOSE he gets, and understands. While I did not find the post in question to be very funny, (until you got to the point of the boys and hitting just for fun) I did not find it offensive. Just too close to my reality, which is why I skipped over it in the first place.

I agree with GrammaMack. I am recently divorced, and one of the main issues we had was listening, or lack thereof, but the tone of the post was a little condescending and seemed a little too personal. My Dad was guilty of telling his buddies that he couldn't (fill in the blank- bowl, play cards, play softball)because he had to "babysit." It used to infuriate my mom - was one of the reasons they divorced. I am a single parent of 2 boys and work full time, and I am in awe and envy of SAHMs, but I know I couldn't do it. That being said, traveling frequently overnight is a HUGE hardship on the remaining spouse, especially if they have a full time job and young children. I think that's why the comments about Joe doing you a "favor," are somewhat true, just not very well worded.

I'm closing in on 60. I also work with the public, in their homes. So I think I can be a fair judge of who listens and who doesn't. I have to say that in many cases, it's the woman who tunes out the husband-he's talking, you THINK she's paying attention, but you find out later she isn't.

Then there's men. Having been married for nearly 40 years and having two kids, one a male child, I can honestly say that the men don't listen nearly as well.

How many times has your husband said, "Where's the coffee?" You respond, "On the third shelf, in the front, behind the sugar.". One minute later he says, "I can't find it." You go out, move the sugar and pick up the coffee. It's all about not listening.

I love my husband dearly, but I wish he'd pay attention to me when I talk. He tells me what he THINKS I said (usually during an arguement) and my response is always that he needs to listen to my words. He'll have NO DOUBT as to what I mean if he just PAYS ATTENTION.

Think there's any connection between ADHD (and ADD) and the number of MALES with it?? Think maybe THAT'S why they don't hear us when we talk??

And Dawn, if you get hate mail, then delete it. You might tell it like it is, but you never get mean or nasty. You don't deserve anything other than kudos for your daily posts.

Oh, dear. Everyone knows how to run your life and write your blog for you, and has the time and the energy to spend telling you all about it. You should be grateful that so many people appear to know exactly how everything works and that they're willing to share it with you! Just like when Joe graciously offers to babysit your kids!

I'm impressed you published Grammamack's post, Dawn. While not hate mail category, maybe, it did definitely fall into the category of highly judgmental and condescending. Treating you as a child and slapping your hand for the way she perceives that you treat your husband.

From what I remember of that post, your whole idea was that if you want your spouse to listen, you need to focus your attention on the current conversation and not get distracted by the kids, tv, the phone or anything else inconsequentual. So take him to another room where there is quiet and no children to talk.

I would always think I should tell hubby X, but forget to tell him. Now, if it is something important-like any appointment-, I email his work and home email addresses and call him at work. For an appointment I write it on the large wall calendar in the kitchen, also. If it is not on the calendar, it will not happen in our house.

Some people don't pay enough attention and just see/hear what they want. Some people are just negative people. Some always HAVE to find something to criticize. And ... well, some people are just stupid. Sorry you get the stupid readers along with the readers who LISTEN and understand what you are saying and can sympathize and who appreciate hearing the serious things along with the humor. I'm also sorry the stupid people make comments that you have to address sometimes. You're great writer, Dawn. Keep it coming.

It just amazes mehow everyone thinks it's okay to tell others how wrong they are about something as silly as a "men don't listen" post on a blog. I thought the post was funny and entertaining just like every other post on your blog. And I hope dude with the "babysitting" comment is reading the comments for today, because I think he should know that his comment was ridiculous. Perhaps he thinks you should ask Joe for permission to go to the store or to a movie too. Yikes!

Anyway, I had girls first. I don't know what I was expecting when I had boys, but I was definately surprised at how different they are. Even when they are little babies the differences are astounding.

First, on the hate mail. WAH?!?! Some people don't get your humor do they?

I read that post laughing my head off because that is my hubby to a Tee. I love him dearly and he is an incredible father and husband. I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world, BUT (yeah, you knew that was coming didn't you?!)he is a horrible listener. Or maybe he's a horrible "rememberer" because he does listen and he responds appropriately, but 5 minutes later it's gone. Adios. Hasta la vista baby!!

Second: "Sorry, but there's no babysitting involved when IT'S YOUR OWN KIDS!" AMEN and AMEN!! This is one of my pet peeves~men who say they "babysit" their own children. Like someone above me said, it's called PARENTING!

Anyone who thought you were condescending clearly doesn't get our particular brand of sarcasm, the most subtle form of which is the highest type of intellectual humor. I totally thought that listening post was a part of a rough draft for a future best-selling book.

As for the differences between boys and girls (besides how we communciate and listen/not), I am the older of two girls who married one of four boys, and have two boys of my own. On a daily basis, I ask my husband, "Why would it even occur to that boy to even THINK of doing x or y or xy togeher?" And then he looks at me as if to ask why I never either thought of it nor did it myself. I don't know...we were always perfectly happy not trying to kill ourselves or each other, but maybe that was before all the artificial hormones in the milk...

Please keep on blogging the exact way you do. It's like you've put the exact words to things I experience and I would never hit the red X!

I´m speechless at the guy´s babysitting comment (what a moron!!), and at the thought of unpublished "hate mail". Seriously people!!??

Geez... People need to 1) lighten up and 2) get a life.

And I fully agree with the first comment.

Hang in there girl :). And remember there are many of us who don´t comment most of the time but are loyal readers and enjoy your witty blog!!! So for every nasty comment or email you get there is probably 1000 or so people chuckling (sometimes ROTFL) at your posts. Thank you for that!!

I have a really great husband, but he doesn't have very good auditory processing (i.e. he doesn't remember what he hears very well). I quite enjoyed your post. However I have this lovely technique with my husband, if I really want him to know something I give him the reader's digest 1 sentence version. Then I can expound if he needs it. Works wonders.

One day I was telling him something and he looked at me and said 'Do I need to know this or are you just talking?' I told him I was just talking and we were both happy. I have 1 daughter just like him and the other is an extreme auditory processor and can remember everything I say - even if I wish she wouldn't.

You know, I'd never write what you did about your husband. Know why? Because you're funny and I'm not. If I wrote it, it would sound judgmental and disrespectful. Your wonderful gift to us is humor that includes your whole family, but leaves no doubt that you love every last flawed member and are glad that they love you back. Basically, those people writing hate mail must be just not funny at all. Not only do they lack the funny-writing gene, but they also missed the funny-reading one. How sad for them. Maybe if they're so worried about people writing disrespectful things, they should think twice about pressing "send." You, on the other hand, feel free to continue publishing your tongue-in-cheek comments, and don't worry about explaining yourself to us. We aren't the judges that matter.

Dawn, Keep on writing your way....poo poo on those that find it necessary to "critique" your blog. They need to hit the red X key and find a different person and blog to complain about. If they don't get your writing style then "MOVE ON" to different blog.

I didn't see anything wrong w/ your post about men listening. While my husband is ok in that regard, my brother on the other hand, it is well known in my family that we MUST pry the remote control from his hand and turn off the TV if we want to get his attention. Some men are reasonable listener, some aren't. Women too.

Thanks also for the post about boys, I have 2 boys and I couldn't figure out why they wouldn't punch themselves silly either. Glad to know that my boys are not strange.

So, were those hateful comments left by MEN? I read the post and laughed outloud. I then proceeded to forward it to my husband to read, since he has a listening/remembering problem, too. My 8 year old son, is unfortunately following in his footsteps... though I am working hard to stop the cycle. ( btw, I am not winning that battle) After I forwarded it to my husband, I then sent it to all my girlfriends.... we then proceeded to talk and laugh about it at our last Girls Night Out. THANKS for the humor with our daily struggles!!

I have to admit, I didn't read the other post at first b/c it was a little longer than normal & it was a hectic day. Well, now that I am up at 2am with a headache, i am catching up.

SO, my DH is the sort that if he has a guitar, xBox controller, or ANYTHING he can read--even a yogurt container--he will busy himself. He doesn't like to "waste" time. As a result we have had entire conversations where he will answer me as if he is actually participating in this verbal exchange, only to find out later that he put his mouth on auto-pilot & had no recollection of anything we had just discussed.

Your advice is pricelessly funny and oh-so-relatable. I would rather read a sarcastic & witty take on Communication 101 any day over a boring goody-2-shoes Marriage 101 handbook. Thank you thank you!

My husband would get a kick out of that post, actually! And yes, I do the same thing to him if I am in the middle of working on the computer. The difference is I have learned to expect him to NOT listen while he is occupied with other things, while he expects me to be able to focus on five things at once!

I, for one, thought your post was funny. And so what if some people had a problem with it. And even if you had flat out said you were talking about Joe, then it would be Joe's place to say something, not anyone else's!

And I hope that guy that said Joe babysits the kids doesn't have children or ever have them. With that way of thinking, I guess SAHM's should be charging their husbands for "babysitting!" Some people are idiots

I just wanted to let you know that I appreciated the "listening" post! It is a problem that a lot of men (and many women) have but of course, your post was laced with humor. I guess some didn't get it, but I think many did. Relax people, laugh a little!

Dawn, never you mind those small minded people who take life WAY too seriously!! I think your Listening 101 post hit it right on the nailhead for many (if not most) of us! I have a wonderful husband & 2 great sons - but not a one of them can remember something that I told them 30 seconds ago unless it involves their stomach, cars or hunting & fishing...keep it up honey, we're all rooting for you!

I seriously can't believe that people have nothing better to do with their time than write negative unwanted advice/comments on someone's blog! My husband too is not a good listener...he will tell you that himself...he is a fabulous father and husband, but not a good listener!

Thank you SO much for correcting the, er, "gentleman" that one does not "babysit" one's own children!! I've always hated hearing (mostly fathers) saying that! UGH! I can't believe you got hate mail regarding this issue (which is so common, it's not even funny!) Many men must have read themselves in that post and that's what made them upset!

that is so funny because as i was reading that post, i was thinking...i'm not sure i appreciate this husband bashing! i know men are that way...and you were being pretty funny about it, but still, it didn't seem very nice. so i was planning on commenting. except i KNEW you would say that i could just not read it! but i don't want to not read it because i like your blog. so i was thinking all of that until i got to the part that wives can be just as bad. and i thought...you know what? its totally true! we all have our faults! so i didn't comment at all. lol. sorry you had to explain yourself to all of us. but i love when you have to re-explain something. :) you make your point so well...love it! take care!

As a former teacher, I can tell you that many of my community college students had no concept of "satire," "dry humor," or "tongue-in-cheek." They took everything they read/heard as literal. It always made me sad, they came across as such humorless types.

I know that one can be taught to pick out "satire" in writing, but I think one has to grow up around a dry sense of humor to realize what they see/hear is not always meant literally. Nowdays, that would extend to people who are, by now, middle-aged.

I am the oldest of 8--5 boys and 3 girla--and I'm told I have a very masculine way of looking at things, although I've never been a participant in "punching for fun." LOL.

I love my hubby more than life itself, but that man couldn't listen if his life depended on it! Fortunately, I have my daughter as a witness to all of the "you never told me that" comments so that I know I'm not going crazy.

You keep doing exactly what you're doing and know that some of us can't get through a day without your humor (and hysterical sarcasm);)

Personally Dawn, I thought your blog on husband's abiltiy was hilarious and right on the money. The nay-sayers obviously don't have a sense of humor and have nothing better to do. I am glad you responded and PLEASE don't let them stand in your way of posting blogs like this again. It is what keeps me coming back every day.

Ladies, just about 99.9% of those walking the planet suffer from an inability at listening to what people have to say. Of course, an equal percentage is fully capable of listening to themselves talk for hours on end.

I wonder why people want to borrow so much trouble by investing all the anger and indignation needed to judge someone's life - (that they only know through the INTERNET!) and tell them what they're doing wrong. Wow, they must have perfect lives, since they can tell us all how to fix yours by reading about it on the computer.