There is a disturbing and pernicious mass delusion floating about that the Chipotle restaurant chain is a good place to get food — that customers should go out of their way to get more of Chipotle’s food from Chipotle — that maximizing the amount of Chipotle-borne roughage inside of a foil packet is a desirable way to behave. I cannot possibly let this stand.

I will not get into issues of authenticity and who does or does not have access to real burritos; I have no quarrel with Americanized fast food. Chipotle was once described to me as “the Subway of Mexican food,” which is a perfectly acceptable thing to be. I am not above eating at Subway (I wouldn’t get one of their sandwiches with meat on it, if that’s what you mean, but that just seems like common sense) if I am on a road trip.

The inside of a Chipotle is always too cold. Too cold and too sterile by half. There are always at least six enthusiastic young Christian college students finishing a meal inside of every Chipotle. No matter where you are on earth or what time of day you walk through the doors, they will be there, spread across four cabaret-style tables (why are the burritos so offensively large and the tables so comically small?), laughing and flinging crumpled-up foil balls at each other’s heads. They are always having a great time. Christian college students go to Chipotle to have fun; they go to Starbucks to have serious conversations about theology with their accountability partners. This is neither here nor there, however; let us return to the burrito line.

I have no quarrel with their tortillas. Their tortillas are made of flour and ingredients and give no offense. They are indescribably large, but this would not be a problem if the burritos about to be shoved inside them were any good. It is at the very next stage that our problem begins: the rice.

Leaving aside whether or not it is acceptable to siphon a hundredweight of plain white rice into a burrito (IT IS NOT; Mexican- or Spanish-style rice is the only acceptable option. I think saffron makes it Spanish-style and cumin makes it Mexican-style, although I am open to correction here. The point is that rice must first be cooked with tomatoes and onions and garlic and spices before it is ready, not flung in bare and naked and shivering), Chipotle makes it physically impossible to order a standard burrito without cilantro. Mandatory cilantro! What of freedom? What of choice? What of the thousands of us who would love to enjoy cilantro but taste nothing but the sharp sting of hand soap in it, who flinch when we see the tell-tale green flecks winking up at us from the bed of glistening, glutinous, bone-white rice? There is nothing for us to do but sag, and mutter “no rice, please,” and move along down the line.

Would you like refried beans in your burrito? You may not have them. You may have either pinto or black beans swimming in a water sea of their own foul and repugnant juices — juices that will damage the structural integrity of the tortilla within the first minute of burrito completion — but you may not have refried beans, because Chipotle refuses to offer them.

Next you will come to a selection of meats. I have nothing to say about them. There they are. They have not been filled with hormones and medical whatnots, as Chipotle is quick to remind us at every turn, and that is the extent of what can be said about them. Truly they are as the church of Laodicea in the book of Revelation:

To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:

These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God’s creation. I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

If you folded me blind and placed before me a plate weighed down with every different meat Chipotle offers and asked me to distinguish between them, I would weep in despair. It cannot be done. Their barbacoa is indistinguishable from their carne asada is indistinguishable from their shredded chicken. What do they taste of? Salt. Sharp, bitter, angry, insistent salt. The salt seethes through the tongue and settles in the fat reserves of the cheek. We are salt, it whispers from the inner recesses of your face. You will taste us til you die. And yet death does not come.

Next you may find yourself presented with an assortment of fajita-style vegetables. They have not been cooked. They are raw as fuck. Put them in your burrito; what does it matter at this point? The texture of the entire structure is now flimsy/pliant/mushy/yielding/bean juice/THE CRUNCHIEST GREEN BELL PEPPER IN THE WORLD, but why resist? Tell them to pile it on.

For an additional forty-seven dollars you might add a spoonful of the runniest sour cream ever produced by a chain restaurant. Your burrito, between the bean juice and the meat liquids is already threatening to become a liquid rather than a solid. Dare you insert additional moisture? What will become of you? Nothing; nothing.

Would you care to purchase a thimble of cold and slippery guacamole — cold — for a mere nineteen gold coins? You would? How very odd.

Then the wrapping comes, then the inevitable end. Watch your burrito-maker nearly throw her back out trying to wrestle your briny beast into submission, then cage it in a sheath of foil to liquefy until you take your first distressing bite. Here it is. Your eleven-dollar burrito, a mess of incorrect rice and oozing juices and meat with no sense of self. You have made your choice, and you do not even have the consolation of the Christian students to amuse you; they have left to play Ultimate Frisbee. But there is nothing Ultimate for you here.

They serve margaritas now, did you know that? So go ahead and try that, if you still have hope beating within your chest.

Everyone is all "the rice is soooo good," but it, too, is the fucking worst. Awful awful rice. Awful burritos. I am seething just thinking about Chipotle. Way to go Mallory.

whizzdumb

Wrestle your own briny beast into submission.

daisicles

I have still never been to a Chipotle (their locations, as with most chains that people talk about a lot, are located no closer than a 90-mile radius from my house) and I almost feel like I'm missing out on an experience either way. I mean, we have other burrito joints here that operate along the same lines, but no one ever wants to wax poetic or rage fire about Barberitos.

But the saddest burrito bar I've ever heard of was one my friend tried in a small town in northwest England where they put curry in the rice and used tinned tomatoes. Surely even cilantro-packed rice is better than curry-packed rice in a burrito.

Sharone@zizzivivizz

I basically hate Chipotle. I am going to line the walls of my house with this post. Then I will walk around reading it all day and smiling contentedly while stroking a green-eyed cat.

I know Chipotle is the Nickelback of taquerias, but I like them. And Nickelback.

(Pretty sure that is a more controversial statement than anything you just said.)

(We agree on cilantro, though. It's the Nickelback of herbs.)

MalloryOrtberg

I do not dislike Nickelback more or less than I dislike most bands, but Chipotle is not a taqueria; it is a "Mexican grill," and an egregiously piss-poor one at that. Spend your money at Qdoba or Baja Fresh.

stuffisthings

"Spend your money at Qdoba or Baja Fresh."

god dammit mallory why do you make it so hard for me to just agree with you on something?

Lily Rowan

God damn, I was going to say something about how Qdoba is grosser than Chipotle, but now I really want their nasty/delicious queso for dinner.

beatrizcentury

A FUCKING MEN. Taquierias everywhere are grateful you are speaking up.

Oh, I absolutely agree that it is not a taqueria, but I didn't know what the right name for the category was. Mexican grill sounds right! I do like Qdoba and Baja Fresh as well; Baja Fresh has particularly awesome options.

supergogo

Gah! Mallory, you need to include trigger warnings before you go flinging around phrases like accountability partners! *curls into fetal position*

baudolina

JUBILANCE – ANOTHER PERSON WHO CANNOT EAT THE GREEN SOAP SHAVINGS THAT ARE CILANTRO. come to my arms, mallory.

bustedsneakers

CILANTRO TASTES LIKE SOAP and my diet is 80% hand-rolled things that involve cilantro and it is the worst.

Chipotle's is everything this article says and more.

elldubs

Cilantro is delicious, I don't like refried beans but love black beans, enjoy crispy peppers (but I've never noticed that the peppers at my Chipotle are especially crispy, and I'm from the southern cook-it-til-it's-mush school of vegetable preparation), and have always received a comically large amount of free guacamole in my veggie burrito bowl. I cannot speak to the saltiness of the meat.

I always get the chicken burrito bowl (with guac, of course) and have never noticed that the meat was super salty. And my sour cream (which has never been runny) is always free.

Mallory's right about how sterile the place is, though. Our local Chipotle is cold, minimally decorated, replete with loud high school students and bombards its customers with terrible house music. I'm not sure I'd eat in if you paid me. Or even tossed in the guac for free.

MalloryOrtberg

take your opinions elsewhere. You have THE REST OF THE INTERNET to praise them; leave us this one corner of sanity.

Lu2

I will hold my tongue, then. (Except for this, of course.)

Sharone@zizzivivizz

The veggie burrito bowl was always my go-to also, and even when I asked for just a little guacamole I got a massive amount, such a huge spoonful that when they flung it at the bowl I felt like I needed to duck, sneezeguard or no.

MalloryOrtberg

Enjoy your black beans! But I should have the RIGHT to order refried beans in a burrito!

bgprincipessa

This was how I felt.. I was scared to read, but then I realized none of her points pertained to me, and I am left unangry. More Chipotle for the rest of us, is how I see it.

SSVerity

As someone who needs gluten free, vegetarian food and sometimes has to travel to places not of my choosing for work, Chipotle is often the only place that I can eat where my friends/colleagues will also eat. It's basically either Chipotle, or ordering some sad-ass nachos at a random bar.

elldubs

Yuuuuuup.

elldubs

ALSO: The Christian youths where I live congregate at Panera. Now THAT is some food trolling I can get behind.

BellaG

I knew them way back when they were the St. Louis Bread Company (outside of St. Louis, I mean; apparently they've still got locations with that name in St. Louis itself), with a smaller menu and food that was actually quite good. Then they became Panera, expanded the menu, and now their sandwiches suck.

So yeah, I could get behind a Panera-trolling post.

elldubs

If your bread cuts my mouth it is too crusty, Panera! Also, why must all the salads have chicken?

Janie_S

What kind of semi-fast-food Mexican joint doesn't have nachos?

Janie_S

P.S. Why is the open thread not letting post without logging in to WordPress, which I do not have? The comment threads there have gone all weird.

Lu2

I asked this question on another thread the other day and one other person said she was having the same problem.

anachronistique

That seems to be happening on a random basis on all the threads lately – sometimes the same post will go between WordPress and IntenseDebate. WHO KNOWS.

New_Username

Yes, that has been my experience over the last couple days. I never know which one I will get!

SSVerity

Yep, it's happening to me too.

bgprincipessa

Yup it's been happening randomly to me as well. I do not like that other format, not at all. IntenseDebate is much more pleasing to follow along with.

elldubs

I even have WordPress, but it wouldn't let me log in on this thread for a while.

THIS IS ACCURATE MALLORY. If you find yourself in a Chipotle hungry and with no other recourse, though, they will make you a quesadilla if you ask. There is literally no possible way to fuck up a quesadilla.

Sharone@zizzivivizz

You have clearly never been to the "cafe" at my grad school. They ruin quesadillas on the regular.

Tofu-Killer

One word: Velveeta

My Minnesota aunt once decided to serve us Mexican. Boston baked beans in a cold wrap, and Velveeta quesadilla. At that moment Sh*tpotle looked like the better option.

hellasplanitia

God, I am so on board with this. Chipotle is the fucking worst. Everyone is all "the rice is soooo good," but it, too, is the fucking worst. Awful awful rice. Awful burritos. I am seething just thinking about Chipotle. Way to go Mallory.

MAN I CAN'T STOP BEING ANGRY ABOUT CHIPOTLE NOW. THIS HAS RUINED MY DAY BY BEING SO ON POINT. GAH. I HAVE TO GO BURN DOWN A CHIPOTLE THIS INSTANT.

Dancercise

Yesssssssss, I've been waiting for your to food-troll Chipotle.

But I ate there at 9:45 last night and it was delicious.

Dancercise

After actually reading the article, I feel compelled to say that I ate there with Christian college students… with whom I played Ultimate Frisbee last week.

msjinxie

Oh god Mallory HOW DID YOU KNOW MY SECRET LUNCH SHAME. Yesterday, I went and got Chipotle for lunch. I don't know why I did it – you're right that it's not good and I have no excuse because I live and work in San Francisco for crying out loud and I am surrounded by delicious food, especially delicious Mexican food, but because I am a human garbage monster I got bored with the stuff that's within a 3 block radius of my office so I went with the lazy option. The worst part is I still have some left so I will eat it for lunch because I don't want to be wasteful.
(That said, they have this braised tofu stuff now that's not totally awful.)

furrymonkeyback

ok also unless you work in west portal if you are within walking distance of all those downtown chipotles you are also within walking distance of Cancun on 6th St where the burritos are a dollar cheaper on account of all the crackheads so SHAME SHAME SHAME

msjinxie

Welllll in my very limited defense I work at the end of Market near the Ferry Building so 6th and Market isn't an easy lunchtime jaunt for me.

msjinxie

God now I really want one of Cancun's gross and delicious steak quesadillas.

furrymonkeyback

I'm shaming you out of jealousy of how many miles i'd have to walk to get a properly gross & delicious Cancun meal. Also I used to work down there and outside of the Rincon Market there are actually weirdly limited non-crazy-expensive food options! I basically survived off liquor store sandwiches, which is totally different than my normal eating habits and not a thing I would happily eat for every meal anyways I swear

pamplemoussi

Tofu? Whaaa? This much be some non-Canadian additional. Argh that's so infuriating! Why must us Canadian vegetarians always be left in the cold?

I feel duty bound to report that I ate my leftover burrito bowl, so as not to be wasteful, and: it was terrible. I swear to god it wasn't that bad yesterday. The rice somehow tasted even more underdone than before. {shakes fist at sky}

allabee

THEY SERVE MARGARITAS NOW?????

I may have missed the central point of this post.

apples and oranges

They are surprisingly strong.

Alli525

NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR.

PaigePoo

Too true about the young Christian college students always patronizing a Chipotle. One time I was trying to eat my vegetarian burrito bowl (NO FAJITA VEGETABLES THANKS), but I couldn't enjoy it because of a LARGE group of kids wearing matching pro-life t-shirts. Ick.

icebergmama

"And yet death does not come." *snort*

noodge4lyfe

I fucking hate chipotle. The prices seem so reasonable and then I end up INEVITABLY paying a manillion dollars for a meal I will never finish.

It has never even occurred to me to consider the possibility that anyone who has voluntarily entered a Chipotle is or has ever been a fully developed human being with thoughts and emotions. At least not here in San Francisco, where you have to walk around three real taquerias in order to get to Chipotle. And I don't even feel strongly about burritos in general, it's just like, the sky is blue, the grass is green, Chipotle is exclusively for horrible zombies, duh.

apples and oranges

Amen! The cilantro rice! The cilantro pico de gallo! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE. Every time I think, you know, Chipotle's not so bad, go eat some – I regret it and reminded that I just don't like it at all.

Except for the chips. They are so salty and lime-hinted and delicious.

mollyculetheory

About once every year or two, I find myself walking into a Chipotle like "Maybe it is better than I remember. The people enthusiastically shoving burrito bowls into their faces, seated in front of the window pretending that passers-by cannot see them there like unbought puppies in a pet store, look happy, or at least content. It simply can't be as bland and enormous as I remember." AND OF COURSE IT ALWAYS IS )):

I ate at Chipotle once and had food poisoning for 36 hours. AND the rice tasted like ass (I normally love cilantro too). Never again.

paperbgprincess

I'm trying really hard to laugh silently at my desk and you are making it very difficult to stay quiet.

bastardsnow

I have been in your position, friend, and did not eat at Chipotle for a solid 2 years afterward, only driven to it by a dearth of other options and the incessant Chipotle chants of my coworkers. It was this or Potbelly.

robotneedslove

I live in a place where we just got our first Chipotle (CANADA) and I ate there twice in two days (I thought it was pretty delicious, ok? I had that salad thing) and while I didn't have food poisoning per se I had the ring of fire like you wouldn't BELIEVE. Never again.

Lisa

Every Chipotle I've ever been to keeps non-cilantro rice hiding behind the counter and will give you some if you ask for it nicely.

Also, pretty sure they aren't supposed to charge you for sour cream.

At this point it seems you'll probably never go near Chipotle again, but just in case.

I only get black beans now anyway because it's California and it's ~*healthier*~ or whatever, but every now and then I like to shake things up with some goddamn refried beans.

KateTay

Does anyone ever feel sad and panicked while eating burritos, due to the fact they will inevitably be completed? This isn't me trying to be cute in a comment on the internet – almost every time when eating a burrito, at around 60% finished I am suddenly filled with despair, despite the fact that I know I will be very full and content when I am done.

furrymonkeyback

YES YES YES. it sadly also often corresponds with when I'm actually full, so I just cram myself full of burrito until I'm physically uncomfortable to try to sate some weird emotional longing. I wonder what deepseated childhood trauma we must share

NOPE. I got food poisoning from a Qdoba cheese quesadilla, which both invalidates this argument, and the argument above that "you can't mess up a quesadilla."

brigidkeely

I thumbsed up this comment because of your comment, not because I'm glad you got food poisoning, which is horrible.

large_marge

One time I found a nut (as in, a metal, nuts-and-bolts nut) in the guacamole there. Got coupons and a manager who still remembers me and gives me free drinks with my nachos. I'm okay with it.

blushingflower

I mean, okay, you make some valid points, but I can get a full meal at Chipotle for under $10, which is pretty good for upscale fast food. And I've never been charged for the sour cream.

Here in DC I do not think I have ever seen any Christian college kids; the one in Union Station is pretty popular with Galludet students though (I imagine that there is one more convenient to Catholic U)

Also, what temperature would you serve guacamole at (I don't like their guac, I will agree with you there, but I think the best guac is the stuff my boyfriend makes)?

California Tortilla, while similarly inauthentic, is, I think much better. Faster, usually not as crowded and they have a kick-ass rewards program.

I don't know why anyone in my town willingly enters a Chipotle when there is a Panchero's cattywampus to it. Though I'm sure much about Panchero's can also be derided, you must admit it is lunacy to spurn it for Chipotle. You must.

bgprincipessa

CATTYWAMPUS.
"In disarray or disorder; askew; Not directly across from nor adjacent to" according to Chrome.
I must find use for this in daily conversation.

furrymonkeyback

ugh yes WHITE RICE who would do that UGH why why why

Fluffernutter

"the picture is me falling into a sea of haters and not even caring"

Holy shit, lady. This was too funny. TOO FUNNY. STOP IT. STOP BEING SO FUNNY. YOU'RE MAKING ME LAUGH AND I HATE LAUGHTER.

(For real though, is that Scott Speedman?)

socallmeshirley

"Would you care to purchase a thimble of cold and slippery guacamole – cold — for a mere nineteen gold coins? You would? How very odd."

Wait, are you complaining about cold guacamole? Would you prefer hot guacamole? Because nothing is more vile than hot guacamole.

MalloryOrtberg

No one has ever eaten hot guacamole. Guacamole should be room temperature, because avocados should be room temperature. Who would refrigerate an avocado??

DunaVelo

What about when you buy a bag of six avocados and then they all ripen at exactly the same time and you panic and the only way to have them not go bad is to put them in the fridge?

MalloryOrtberg

The only reason you would be buying avocados in a bag of six is if you were buying your produce at Trader Joe's, and you should already know better than that.

DunaVelo

I am not guilty of this! but probably only because Trader Joe's doesn't exist here. What I AM guilty of is loving avocados too much and always overestimating my ability to eat them.

Ahhhh I was a Christian college student who hung out in Chipotle and had serious theological conversations with my accountability partner (who I hated but who was assigned to me) in Starbucks and played Ultimate Frisbee (so terribly that everyone was very unhappy with me), how did you knowwww?

PaigePoo

I really want to read an essay entitled "I Was a Christian College Student".

sarahspy

i feel so sorry for everyone who can't taste cilantro correctly.

noodge4lyfe

COSIGNED. I feel like I want to sing a dirge about it, it's so sad. I can't imagine life without the refreshing greenness of cilantro.

apples and oranges

it's not INCORRECT it's just DIFFERENT (and miserable)

archivesjulia

Can someone tell me what it SHOULD taste like? Any time I remember that it tastes like soap, everyone else around me also says it is like soap or metal shavings, sooooo I have no idea what I'm missing.

Janie_S

It tastes … fresh? And herbal, sort of in the same vein as fresh basil. It is wonderful, and I would be sad if I were suddenly unable to enjoy it.

I am unable to fathom a world in which cilantro does not taste like the devil's backhair.

Pwickup

So, I get that this is the same question as "what if my red is not the same as your red?" and that it is therefore sort of philosophical and futile in that respect. Nonetheless, as somebody who has the metallic-taste response, I wonder this ALL THE TIME. I have asked strangers in farmer's markets and supermarkets to no avail. Except for the weird looks. Can somebody suggest an analog / substitute? Basil is kind of minty, but I understand that cilantro is . . . not? Is it kind of citrus-y? Could you throw in some lemon sorrel and call it a day? Please advise this inquiring mind. . . .

elldubs

Kind of citrusy. Weirdly, actual citrus fruits taste like perfume or soap to me, but cilantro tastes more to me like lemon basil than basil-basil. And just really green. Not sweet at all, or bitter, but tangy and bright.

MalloryOrtberg

get off my website

Sara

We're fine.

TiaBaheri

This post is all anyone needs to experience of Chipotle. If you love yourself (or if you're ambivalent about yourself, or if you hate yourself…basically if you possess a self) please find really good crappy crappy Mexican food to eat instead of going to Chipotle. You will be so much happier. Or you will still be sad but at least you will have happy taste-buds to get you through it.

All I need to say to justify my hatred of Chipotle is that they HAVE NO QUESO, and this is inexcusble.

kimberlyraye20

I fully admit to loving Chipotle when I am in a certain mood. It's great for the night before a long run because it is so full of carbs and I don't ever eat the meat.

However, I am in full agreement with the crunchy green pepper analysis.

Also, how has no one mentioned the inappropriately tiny amount of cheese they put on everything? NEED MORE CHEESE. It's a pretty terrible cheese-bean-rice ration, which as we all know should be around a 1-2-1.5 proportions.

the good thing about Chipotle is that they have an app / website that will calculate approximate nutritional info on the fly. A "burrito bowl" or w/e is a pretty passable post-workout protein-rich meal.

Biscuit

Anytime I go into a Chipotle, I always want to love it. I try so hard. I pick out a menu item with all the yummy things i love elsewhere. Then I sit and stare at a burrito or bowl thingy larger than my head with a puddle of stuff oozing out of the foil. Then I feel sad that i spent $11 on this and it doesn't even taste very good.

bitzyboozer

Wait, people actually LIKE Chipotle? I thought it was just another fast food option borne of necessity/laziness.

rallisaurus

There is one good thing about Chipotle. It's not Panera. I have never voluntarily chosen to eat from either place, but I will ALWAYS choose Chipotle over the monstrousness of Panera.

Do you know what? FUCK that Mac and Cheese frozen microwaved BULLSHIT. That is no true mac and cheese! The only acceptable thing from Panera is their breakfast, and even that is at the best a mediocre form of mediocrity. IT IS AGGRESSIVELY MEDIOCRE. Which is better than their Mac and Cheese which tastes like Kraft mac and cheese after it has passed through my digestive system.

faebl

aw hellz no

faebl

Next people will be insulting egg patties from dunkin donuts

meetapossum

AGGRESSIVELY MEDIOCRE. Do you know me? This is how I described a pizza we got to my friend when I was in Denver.

bastardsnow

I don't know that I know you, but I do know that many things are aggressively mediocre, and not enough people call those things out as being so

roxythroatpunch

Oh no, where did you get Aggressively Mediocre pizza in Denver?? It was Anthony's, wasn't it?

meetapossum

Nooo, it was called Angelo's, on E. 6th Ave. But I can totally see there being more than one aggressively mediocre pizza place in Denver.

elldubs

I want to up vote this times a million.

whizzdumb

I don't even know where a Chipotle is.

paperbgprincess

Even worse are the people (like my father) who insist on pronouncing it "Chip-ol-te" and it makes me want to scream.

bastardsnow

I literally* punched someone in the face when they did this.

*figuratively

bgprincipessa

Oh, my mom too. She has even been trying to correct herself but she just can't get her mouth around it, it's kinda funny actually.

Sharone@zizzivivizz

My ex-MIL used to call those old Jack in the Box sandwiches "pandidos" (pannido was the spelling), and it made me murderous. MURDEROUS. I have probably shouted about this in the comment section of more than one not-even-related article because it has been like 6 years since they even made those sandwiches and clearly I'm still not over my irritation.

Pwickup

I had a law school not-fling (nothing ever happened but waaaaaay too many sparks for comfort) who had this quirk and it was one of things I would use to remind myself that having a stress-induced obsession was not the same thing as actual attraction. Whew! It was a narrow escape.

Momthra

I like to call it "Chip-oh-tul" precisely for the purpose of causing total agony.

ElpElpElp

I find that the key to Chipotle is to get the burrito bowl, and don't pretend to yourself that it's remotely Mexican. So basically I get a bowl with some rice, some beef or chicken, some bell peppers and onions (which you are correct, are only sometimes cooked), and some "salsa." I usually get the mild and medium ones. And cheese, of course. And it's good! It's more flavorful than a lot of fast food type things. And there's a lot of it, for approximately $7 (unless you add guacamole, and then it's like $9). I dunno, I feel you could really do worse.

large_marge

MOE'S>>>any other bland Americanized burrito place. The chips are FRESH and HOT and they give you a giant bag with your guac and not the glorified Doritos Big Grab that comes with the Chipotle I eat out of desperation because it's sadly the only thing near where I live. Wahhhh.

Emily

Also they have a salsa called "Who is Kaiser Salsa." I MEAN.

bgprincipessa

My mom recently discovered Moe's and informed me that we were having it for Thanksgiving dinner.

(Also we call my grandmother Large Marge hi!)

Emily

This feels like a safe space to say that my ex-husband loved Chipotle and would go and order two identical bowls in the evenings, one to eat then and one to take the next day to lunch and heat up in the microwave.

This is just a moment of joy for me. I thought I was the only one that hated Chipotle. We need to form a support group, there is so much hate out there for our kind.

Bubbles

Mallory, how do you survive when you don't like any of the food? Me, I like all of the food. Even the stuff I don't like, I like. I'm hungry, put the food in me, ahhh, now that is better.

We go to places, hand them paper or perform the ritual with the plastic rectangle and they give us food! Delicious food! We shall not starve today! Except for maybe Mallory, who hates all the food. Poor, sad, hungry Mallory. The tears of men must be more nutritious than any of us realized.

MalloryOrtberg

I eat good burritos from places that know how to make them. I live in Oakland! Somedays I walk outside and there's just good burritos falling from the sky.

Freebirds is the blandest shit in the world. Nothing made me more homesick for California when going to school in Austin than Freebirds.

MrsTeacherFace

This has had the opposite of the intended effect; I totally want to eat a Chipotle burrito now.

Lilith

I've never been to a Chipotle in the US, but I can attest that the one and only Chipotle in Paris makes pretty good tacos. I am new to Paris, but I am told that they are the only reasonably good tacos I will find.
Also, young enthusiastic Christians discuss theology in pubs here.

I love the chicken tacos! I discovered them once and have started getting them more than the burritos because, really, those burritos are ginormous and you can't finish them anyway.

Betsy Murgatroyd

When I first saw the title of this I thought, YES! Finally someone who hate chipotle peppers and it's flavor as much as I do. But no. It's about the restaurant. I've never been to chipotle.
I have never had Chipotle because it seems every place I've ever lived is too small for one. I do enjoy Taco Time and Taco del Mar.

Mallory C.

Not only do they not serve mexican rice or refried beans…..THEY DON'T SERVE QUESO.

MandaX

Man, I'm so hungry right now. I wonder where i can get like a pound and a half of food right now?

Ahem. In marginally more seriousness, is this what happens to the poor benighted souls who live far awah from a Baja Fresh?

erikadprice

Seven-ish years ago, Cleveland got its first Chipotle and every white Clevelander lost their MIND. Then some of us left town and went somewhere with actual burritos. Filling a gigantic flour tortilla with white rice makes about as much sense as packing unseasoned popcorn between slices of baguette.

Saichania

Oh, phew. When I saw the title of this post I thought it was going to be about *actual* chipotle peppers. All I can say to this is that I WISH we had a 'Subway of Mexican food' in the UK. After the correct amount of wine I will inevitably start futilely Googling things like 'there has to be more than one Taco Bell in England surely'.

Artibeus

Barburrito.

Saichania

Oh yeah! One of those opened in Nottingham recently. However, I refused to go in as they had in fact misspelled 'chipotle' as 'chipolte'. I wasn't sure I wanted to try their food considering they can't even get that right.

Also: my in-browser spellchecker doesn't like 'chipotle', and the suggestions it gave me were 'apostleship' and 'Chippendale'.

pinnipedd

When I was in Oxford I went to a Mission Burrito and it was EXACTLY like Chipotle. Down to the serving utensils and whatnot. Maybe there's one of those near-ish to you?

Ladyshapes

I work right in the middle of London, near Trafalgar Square, and Chipotle is definitely our best bet for burritos. Do you guys have Benito's Hat? It's the living worst. I've never known such fibrous guacamole and (as a vegetarian) the fact that they fill their veggie burritos with huge, barely cooked chunks of watery courgette is heartbreaking. Chipotle do at least cook the hell out of their veg – in the best possible way – over here, and their guacamole is good. I'll take that.

annejumps

I went ONCE and I hated the shredded lettuce and was appalled that they CHARGE you for the chips. Fuck that

hungrych

If Glenn Greenwald's new media venture*really* cared about heterodox, adversarial journalism you would be its resident food writer.

elldubs

Definitely. Its weird that there is no cilantro-free version, given the physiological reality. Even the brown rice has cilantro.