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Friday, January 18, 2013

Dear Abby:My great aunt (let's call her Beansie) visits us several times a year. She's a dear old woman, and we love her to death, but she has a major, major gas problem. Last night, she even let one fly at the dinner table! (She picked up the tablecloth, looked beneath it, and said, "...Bad, bad, doggie!" Abby, we have cats!)We're at wit's end. How do we approach Aunt Beansie about this without hurting her feelings?Flatulence in FriscoAbby:Dear Abby:Our son just got engaged to a girl with jewelry in "unusual" places. We've been tolerant, but now she's sporting nipple rings and she's constantly pulling up her shirt to show them off. My husband wears a pacemaker, and this young woman is going to burn the pacemaker battery out with her constant shirt-lifting to show off her little gold rings. But our Herby adores this woman. It's his first love, and we don't want to drive a wedge between them.How can we lay out the ground rules without offending our son?Melonsaplenty in MuncyAbby:Dear Abby:My husband "Hershey" has a horrible, horrible habit that's driving me nuts. He leaves his dirty underwear all over the house. I find them on the bathroom floor, the living room floor, hanging from bedposts, draped over our lamps ...and even on the dining room table. I've tried talking to him, and he promises to stop, but next thing I know there's dirty Fruit of the Looms in my fruit bowl.Help!Skidmarks in ScrantonAbby:

Saturday, January 12, 2013

In a stunning development, the NCAA sanctioned the BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) and British Empire today for the unprecedented child sex abuse crimes of the late televsion host Jimmy Savile. British police report Savile abused his victims for decades, with some of the crimes taking place on BBC property.

The NCAA fined the BBC $100 million dollars. It also posthumously stripped Savile of his OBE (Office of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire), his British Knighthood and his Papal Knighthood (with the Pope's approval).

In addition, the NCAA vacated all awards the BBC may have given to entertainers, radio and television productions from 1965-2006. Those were the years Savile was on the premises and, according to British authorities, committing his heinous crimes.

The BBC will also be stripped of 25% of its production crews for the next four years. The slashing of everything from camera operators to makeup artists could cripple such BBC hits as "Call the Midwife."

BBC News will not be affected by the NCAA's actions. Likewise, reruns of Monty Python escaped sanctions.

In its most controversial sanction, the NCAA targeted the British Empire itself and returned the Falklands Islands to Argentina. Britain and Argentina fought a 74-day war over the disputed islands in 1982 until Argentine forces were expelled.

"Clearly, the Empire itself was complicit," said NCAA President Mark Emmert. "The BBC operates under a Royal Charter. The BBC is funded by a license fee collected from virtually anyone in Britain with a television. The entire Empire must be punished. The strongest possible message must be sent."

Emmert shrugged off reporters who questioned whether the sanctions were outside the scope of the NCAA with a sharp retort of: "Bite me."

The news that the islands would be returned to Argentina brought joyous celebration to the streets of Buenos Aires.

"I am moving to the Malvinas next week," said one elated citizen, referring to the islands by their Argentine name. "I will open an empanada stand. And maybe a Starbucks. Bless you, Mr. NCAA!"