The Purim Episodes of Prime Time TV shows
by Eric Sommer
Every year, prime-time television shows have their Christmas
episodes and their Halloween episodes. Well, this year,
Jewish leaders have petitioned the networks to create Purim
episodes for their top hits as well. The networks have agreed,
and what follows are the plots for the upcoming Purim episodes
of a number of popular TV shows.
NYPD Blue: In a sequel to the "Sefer Torah" episode, a group of
Chassidim come to the precinct to report that their Megillah
has been stolen. Sipowicz comments that "them Jews sure use
a lot of scrolls," then goes undercover once again as a Chasid
to catch the culprit. At one point, tensions arise between the
Rabbi and Lt. Fancy, who is accused of not doing enough to help
the Chassidim because he is black. Meanwhile, Kirkendahl and
Medavoy pursue a serial killer who has been attacking his
victims dressed up as Haman. The suspect is captured, and he
turns out to be a schizophrenic, who actually believes himself
to be Haman. Jill, playing along with his delusion, comes in
to the coffee room dressed as queen Esther, at which point the
killer confesses and begs for mercy.
Law and Order: A man walks into the local Jewish bakery to buy
some bread. As his approaches the counter, he notices that the
owner has been shot and killed. He screams. Curtis and Briscoe
come to check out the crime scene, and note that all the
hamentashen have been stolen. After wasting about 20 minutes
pursuing false leads, they eventually arrest a suspect.
The suspect is charged with murder. McCoy meets with the
suspect's lawyer and offers Murder 2, 20-to-life. The lawyer
responds by handing McCoy a motion to suppress the recovered
hamentashen, on which the suspects fingerprints were found.
It turns out that Lenny had eaten one of the hamentashen prior
to making the arrest, and the lawyer claims that it might have
had the fingerprints of the real murderer.
Despite the ludicrousness of the claim, the judge grants the
motion. McCoy is determined to figure out a way to get his man.
His assistant grimly states that conspiracy to steal baked
goods is only a C-felony. To which McCoy responds "yes, but some
of the hamentashen were poppy, which is used to make opium,
and drug trafficking carries a sentence of 15-to-life. At the
trial, the defense council tries to make an issue out of the
fact the Lenny has a Jewish father, and things turn ugly.
The defendant is convicted, and on the way down the courthouse
steps, Adam Schiff remarks wryly that "every generation
has its Haman."
Friends: Ross throws a big Purim party for all his friends.
Upon hearing that it's a costume party, Joey announces his plan
to come as a eunuch because, he says slyly, "He's the one who
guards the harem." Monica and Rachel get drunk while baking the
hamentashen and as a prank, add laxatives to the batter.
Chandler shows up at the costume store to pick up his Dracula
costume, but is given an Elvira costume instead. He doesn't
realize and wears it to the party, which further convinces all
his friends that he's gay. Meanwhile, Monica and Rachel have
realized what they did, but the tainted hamentashen have already
been put out. Rachel, dressed as Queen Vashti, distracts the
crowd, while Monica switches the hamentashen. She finishes just
in time to save Rachel, who's been doing her best to stall.
Ross has a flashback to an earlier Purim party where he came
dressed as King Achashverosh and Rachel came as Queen Esther.
Their eyes met from across the room, but before he could make
his move, another guy dressed as Haman asked her to dance.
Joey is confused at his inability to pick up women, and Chandler
finally explains to him exactly what a eunuch is. Joey responds
by saying "oooooh." At the end of the evening Phoebe plays her
new Purim song on the guitar: Eat those hamentashen / Don't
worry that you're noshin' / And don't think that I'm joshin' /
You can eat those hamentashen.
E.R.: Mark confronts old demons arising from the time he sent
his agnostic Jewish father Mishloach Manot and had it returned
to sender. Meanwhile, a whole group of senior citizens from
the Beth Jacob Home for the Elderly show up with severe diarrhea,
having indulged in too many prune hamentashen at the annual
Purim party. After being prodded by the nurses, Carter agrees to
dress up as King Achashverosh to entertain the Jewish children
in the pediatric ward. Anna, mistakenly thinking that it is
her boyfriend dressed up as the King, drags Carter into one of
the surgical supply closets. When she finds that it was indeed
Carter, she realizes that they were meant to be together.
Chicago Hope: Oh please, who really cares?!
The Simpsons: After convincing a parole board that he is
rehabilitated, Sideshow Bob is released from prison and is later
appointed as Deputy Mayor. As he walks around Springfield, he
notices that Krusty's father, Rabbi Krustovsky, doesn't say hello
to him. Insulted, he convinces Mayor Quimby to expel all the
Jews from Springfield. Kent Borckman sadly reports the news,
then comments that the station is looking for a new writer,
a new director, and a new producer. At the Qwickie Mart, Apu
comments to Marge that "for once someone is getting persecuted
and it's not me." Smithers remarks to Mr. Burns that he hates
to see any minority group being hurt since he "knows how it feels."
Marge says that this reminds her of "The Diary of Anne Frank,"
at which point Homer salivates as he pictures a nice juicy hot
dog and thinks 'uhluhluhluhl, frank." Meanwhile, Lisa comments
how "discrimination hurts all of us, not just the Jews" and
urges Bart to "do something." Bart hatches a plan. He gets
Rabbi Krustovsky to have his niece Marilyn get romantically
involved with the Mayor, which she does. Marilyn then reveals
to the Mayor that she's Jewish and the Mayor decrees that
"the Jews shall remain in Springfield--which itself sounds like
a Jewish name." Police Chief Wiggum, ready to carry out the
expulsion, tells his men to resume their normal duties, at which
point they all start eating doughnuts. Mayor Quimby instructs
Chief Wiggum to arrest Sideshow Bob. Sideshow Bob tries to run
away, but Bart trips him. As he's being led away he swears
"revenge, sweet sweet revenge" on Bart. Guest appearances by
Kelsey Grammer as Sideshow Bob, Jackie Mason as Rabbi Krustovsky,
and Debra Winger as Marilyn.
The Drew Carey Show: On Purim night, Drew and the gang drive a
truckload of Buzz Beer over to the Telz Yeshiva High School for
Boys. Having heard about Drew's plans, Mimi shows up as well;
despite having come in her everyday clothes, she wins the contest
for best costume. During Megillah reading, Oswald giggles
uncontrollably every time the ba'al koreh says the name
"Memoochan." Afterward, as the students get drunk on Buzz Beer,
one of them comments to Kate that she's one good looking
shiksa. The party is raucous and wild, and at the end a drunken
Drew-who has come dressed as the Browns' mascot-is made an
honorary Jew and given a Telz jacket.
The X Files: Mulder and Scully are sent to an old Jewish community
in the South where, for the past four years a Jew has been
viciously murdered on Purim night. They talk to the local Rabbi,
who says that he knows who's doing the killing, but that the
local police won't listen to him. He relays to them an old
midrash that states that while Haman's ten sons were all hanged
by Mordechai, the next morning, only nine bodies were found
hanging from the trees--Haman's son Dalphon had mysteriously
disappeared. The Rabbi further quotes the midrash as saying
that Dalphon was granted eternal life by the Devil in exchange
for killing a Jew every Purim night. The Rabbi says that there
is a man in town named Jack Dalphon, who he's sure is the second
son of Haman and is the one committing the murders. Scully is
skeptical of this old Jewish legend, but Mulder believes it.
They question Jack Dalphon but can't pin the murders on him.
The next night--Purim night--is cold and stormy. Mulder and
Scully stand outside the synagogue as the congregants leave
after Megillah reading. They notice Jack Dalphon following an
old Jewish man. They approach him and he takes off. They chase
him through an abandoned warehouse, and Jack tries to escape
by jumping into the elevator shaft. But his head gets caught
in the cable, and he is instantly hanged. Mulder and Scully go
call the police, but when they return to cut down the body,
Dalphon is gone.
Spooky music...
Beverly Hills 90210: Andrea decides to throw a big Purim party
at the Peach Pit. During the party, Donna is decidedly melancholy.
When confronted by Steve, she reveals that her first true love
was Jewish, but that his parents wouldn't let him continue to
see her; they broke up on Purim. Kelly brings a gorgeous date to
party, but while she is in the bathroom, Valerie makes an offhanded
comment that Kelly's AIDS treatment is going very well. When the
boyfriend drops her off, he declines her offer for a kiss goodnight.
Mad About You: Paul's parents are nervous about the upcoming Purim
seudah with Jamie's parents, who are gentile. "We're celebrating
the fact that our ancestors killed their ancestors", worries
Paul's mother. The evening does, in fact, get off to a disastrous
start when Paul's mother overhears Jamie's mother complaining
how the Jews have too many holidays and Jamie's sister Lisa
shows up dressed as Grand Inquisitor Torqemadah. In the end,
the tension is relieved when they all laugh upon discovering that
Murry ate the entire Turkey while the family was busy trying to
get Mabel into her bunny costume. The Buckmans and Stempels
decide to have their seudah at Jamie and Paul's favorite
restaurant, where a confused Ursula accidentally brings them
the roast pig.
Ally McBeal: On Purim day, Ally has a series of crises in which
she is abusive to her secretary Elaine, worries aloud to her
roommate that she will never find Mr. Right, has a personal
conversation in the bathroom which is overheard by Richard
Fish who's hiding in one of the stalls, and recalls an old
intimate moment with Billy. This doesn't actually have anything
to do with Purim-it's basically the plot of every episode.
Star Trek: Voyager: Captain Janeway and her away team beam down
to a strange planet, where they discover Captain Robert McVeigh,
long assumed dead after having gone missing during Starfleet's
first exploration mission to the delta quadrant. In turns out
that Captain McVeigh had crashed landed on this planet which
has a society exactly like that of Earth's ancient Persia.
He has installed himself as King, and is now known as McVeighrosh.
His second in command, a native man named Daman is viciously
persecuting a minority group on the planet known as the "Jewts."
The Jewts are a very religious people, and are constantly praying
to an entity that they call "The Rock." After saving the Jews
from annihilation, Janeway and her crew return to Voyager.
Janeway wonders aloud why a group of people as advanced as the
Jews would still be praying to a rock. Paris has an epiphany
and proclaims that they're not praying to *a rock*-they're
praying to *The Rock of Ages*. Everyone on the bridge nods in
agreement.
From: Zeke (notthenineties@thisplace.org)
Subject: Not the summer re-runs
Newsgroups: alt.humor.jewish
Date: 2001-08-18 10:26:33 PST