Ask Rene: Is My Son Gay?

Ask Rene: Is My Son Gay?

Hello Rene,

Thanks so much for setting up Good Enough Mother – I love the site and it’s great to know that as a mother I’m not alone.

Here’s my problem – I think my son is gay. Robert is 15 and has got really close to a boy in his school who’s strongly rumored to be homosexual. Robert doesn’t seem to have any interest in girls and sometimes dresses flamboyantly (we come from a small town). It’s creating a lot of arguments at home.

I come from a very church going family and both my husband and myself are active members of our local community. I don’t know if I could handle the idea of a gay son.

He’s still my son and I love him – but I’m not prepared to condone a lifestyle I don’t agree with. If you were in my position what would you do?

Yours

Caroline, Texas

Hi Caroline:

I’m going answer the last part of your question first. What would I do if I were in your position? The short answer is I would continue to love my son. He is the same baby boy I gave birth to, the same wonderful, caring, spirited kid who gives me more trouble than I feel I deserve at times. His sexuality does not change any of that.

I firmly believe being gay is not a choice. When I started liking boys as a teenager, it was not a conscious decision; it just happened. I feel that’s the way much of human sexuality is; a switch is turned on a certain time. And homosexuality is nothing new; it’s been around since the beginning of time and it is represented across the animal kingdom.

Instead of wondering and worrying about whether Robert is gay, have you thought about asking him? He might be quite relieved to know that you are concerned and he might be ready to talk about it.

So what if he is gay? Are you afraid that you won’t have grandchildren? Nope, there are an estimated 8-10 million children being raised by gay and lesbian parents in this country. You worry that community members won’t approve of Robert’s sexual orientation? Well, who are they to have any say whatsoever? And honestly they sound like a pretty shallow group. You sure you want to be a part of that? If they really cared about you they would want the best for you AND Robert instead of using it as fodder for over the fence talk. The church? I grew up in the church and have plenty of gay and lesbian friends. They don’t judge me and I don’t judge them. Besides, wasn’t it Christ who said love one another? We need to practice more of that.

Robert is your son and paramount in your mind must be his safety. He needs to know the basics of safe sex, something all children need to know be they gay, lesbian, bisexual or straight. But gay children also are about four times more likely to commit suicide than straight kids. That is why you MUST communicate in an open, non-judgmental way with your boy.

I would urge you to find a PFLAG chapter near you. PFLAG stands for Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays and their mission is to support and educate families and community on issues of sexual orientations, among other things. I’m willing to bet there would be someone there who has been in a similar situation. They might be able to help you start a conversation with Robert.

And one more thing, Caroline. A gay son is nothing to be ashamed of. He is your kid, the one who was so proud when he brought home the ceramic pot from first grade art and presented it to you with his pudgy hands, beaming because he had made something for the most important person in his life. He loved you then, he loves you now. Make sure you do the same.

Best wishes!

Do you have a question for Rene? She has an answer. Click here and fire away.

Rene Syler is a wife, mother, breast cancer advocate and television personality whose burning desire to tell the truth about modern motherhood led her to create GoodEnoughMother.com. When not spending time with her family or burning something for dinner, Rene travels the country as host of Sweet Retreats on The Live Well Network and Exhale on Aspire.

45 Comments

Great advice Renee! I agree 100% with everything you said— and want to re-emphasize your point where you said you believe being gay is NOT a choice. I firmly believe that too.

Caroline, I had a friend in junior high and high school who tried for many MANY years to deny his sexuality— to his family, and himself. He came from a very conservative family… and even started using drugs to try to deny what he was feeling. He definitely did NOT consider his sexuality to be a choice. He told me several times, “If I had the choice, I would be straight, because my life would be so much easier— and so different.”

I don’t want to scare you, but his family’s attitude toward him led to so much self-hatred that he eventually almost died from an accidental drug overdose. He survived, and that’s when his parents changed their attitude. He still has a long way to go in therapy, but their support has made a HUGE difference in his life.

I also know several same sex couples who are in long-term relationships and thanks to support from their family and friends have wonderful careers and brilliant children (adopted). They are like any other family, and their children have never considered it strange that they have two daddies or two mommies.

Family support is so important. Just something to consider.

Sabria

June 26, 2010 at 11:00 pm

A landmark answer! This letter and your thoughtful response should be shared repeatedly until everyone understands the proper position they should assume in cases such as these. A son by any other improper label is still a son. Same goes for the opposite gender. Rene, yours is the epitome of an appropriate and complete response!

Colleen

June 26, 2010 at 11:04 pm

To love your children, your community, your country, you first must love yourself. Self love is the hardest thing to do because you must take responsibility. Cory is so right, you are more than “Good Enough.” Thank you for your strength and your will to share. You are amazing. Much love to you and the Parham family, always!

Gayle Mahoney

June 26, 2010 at 11:07 pm

Dear Caroline, you wrote, “I don’t know if I could handle the idea of a gay son.”
I don’t have children, so I can’t even begin to imagine what you must be feeling or thinking. But I imagine that if he IS questioning his own sexual orientation, he must be terrified of losing the love and support of his family and church community. He must be thinking, “I don’t know if I can handle the idea of coming out to my parents!”
I agree with Rene’s suggestion about hooking up with PFLAG. Also, in matters of religion- in my opinion, your job is to love your son, and to believe in a God that is big enough to love him, too. Being gay and being religious are definitely not mutually exclusive!

Arthie

June 26, 2010 at 11:16 pm

We are to love the sinner and not the sin. I was just thinking of a title my son keeps going to jail. Some say well one day he will get it. You have done all you can. I have tried to act like he don’t exist, and not be concern. I am his mother, regardless of his choices. He is still my son and I love him and I am going to do what I can to help him. If my son was gay, of course as a christian I wouldn’t like it. But he is still my son and he would still receive love. I wouldn’t condone it. I wouldn’t welcome it. But through God’s help I would allow him to see that God loves the sinner and hates the sin. We all have sinned and have come short of God’s glory. Sin is sin. Satan is doing a fantastic job deceiving people into believing false truth. One thing I have learned is not to judge anyone. I have learned to take heed lest you fall. I have learned and am still learning to love the sinner and hate the sin. I mean I am a God-fearing woman, and still willingly do things that God hate, I sin. I am no different than your son, the only thing I am glad I do have is conviction. I love you my sister and stay strong and continue to say how you feel.

Tony

June 26, 2010 at 11:41 pm

GEM, my friend: While this topic is difficult enough for other GEMs, it takes a special kind of guy from the fraternal ranks of the species to chime in a supportive way here, and I say hats off to those that have and do — and even more so for those of racial and ethnic minorities who challenge the cultural machismo to perservere for their families. When parents, the proud pappas and mentoring mammas, are presented with similar rearing and reasoning situations, they should seek reliable help or trust their guts to speak openly and lovingly to their young to ensure and reassure the little people they created that their sexuality and related choices are something they can and should be proud, safe, secure and responsible in their actions and activities. No matter who their children willingly chose to date, marry or co-habitate, your response is so clearly shining the light a little brighter and in such a warm way. Kudos.

nanci

June 26, 2010 at 11:45 pm

well said….simply put….covered all bases!! all the best to caroline and her son….

Linda

June 27, 2010 at 1:20 am

I think Rene is on target with her answer! And, if the biblical references really bother you, find a way to get a new documentary film called “Fish Out of Water.” (I attended a screening.) Be sure you are ready to really listen with a mind and a heart that are open to learning a lot about the scriptures and biblical history and language. That said, PFLAG is there to help you and your son–that’s what the organization is all about! I know this is hard, but many, many parents of gay kids have come through it with their families intact. You can, too.

Kudos to both Rene and Caroline. I’m pleased to see Caroline looking for guidance rather than conforming to hate. Rene’s advice is right on Target. I grew up in a Very small town, in Wyoming of all places. I was scarred as hell but felt there was no one I could turn to. The week after college, I moved as far away as possible. A year after that Mathew Shepard happened. That could have been me. What I would have done to been able to reach out to my parents growing up and not been afraid to do so. My parents today don’t celebrate the fact, but they do accept it. Your life will not change in doing so. Thus I leave you with this: “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” Dr. Seuss

Peggy

June 27, 2010 at 8:57 am

Spot on Rene!

Buster Spiller

June 27, 2010 at 11:22 am

Caroline, as a “3-Peat” suicide survivor who fought with my sexuality up until the age of 29, take it from me, you don’t want your son to go down that road.

Everything I went through during this period, including substance abuse trying to drown the shame and the voice of the “Church” hanging over my head, probably wouldn’t have happened had my family been squarely in my corner as I “transitioned” into what I call my “state of being”.

Being gay/homosexual is not a choice or a “lifestyle”, it is a “state of being”. Being a member of a church or particular faith is a “lifestyle” because when life happens and it will (i.e., you physically move, the church no longer meets your needs, somebody in the congregation irks you, you discover a new exciting pastor or ministry that ignites the fire in you to serve, etc.), you can move around from church to church like it’s the latest fad. With your sexuality, like your gender and race, you can’t just swap it out. It’s with you until the day you die.

I know the ties of church, which can be like a 2nd family, is very strong but you do not want to alienate your son. I have no communication with my family (with the exception of a couple of cousins) and while my sexuality is not the main reason, it is a big part of it.

One of the things that bothers me about this situation is that my family was not part of my life while my partner and I were raising our youngest son, their grandchild. They didn’t attend any of his school activities, didn’t visit during holidays, didn’t attend his graduation or wish him well as he entered college. So my sexuality impacted him too, which isn’t right or Christ-like.

In closing, I urge you to read the 10th Chapter of the Book of Acts. It tells the story of Peter and Cornelius the Gentile, Peter’s vision, and God’s command to “not call anything impure that God has made clean.” The church commonly interprets this chapter as a situation dealing with being able to eat anything (kosher or unkosher) since Peter was hungry in the story but its actually God’s word to his chosen (the Jews) that we are not to prejudge or preclude any human being from God’s grace and salvation.

I am a former minister and I know about this intimately because I no longer serve because of the church’s stance on this issue. Don’t take the same position with your son. Love him. Simply. God Bless You…

Ed Clapp

June 27, 2010 at 11:32 am

I couldn’t agree with you more Rene. My oh my, you have wisdom far beyond your years young lady.

I agree with much of Rene’s advice, but I will say this…
I have wondered if people very close to me were gay, asked them about it, and found out they weren’t. However, just the fact that I asked them about it hurt them a lot. We make a lot of assumptions in life. I would just say to proceed very cautiously in approaching the topic. Some children hold on to what they perceive as signals that you don’t accept them or love them for who they are for years. To me, the most important thing is to ensure your son knows that he is loved. Caroline mentioned that she wasn’t prepared to condone a “lifestyle” that she doesn’t agree with. Being gay isn’t a lifestyle, just like being heterosexual isn’t a “lifestyle”. Just in case Caroline’s assumptions are accurate, I strongly urge her to do some more reading about the conflict young people go through in accepting themselves if they feel they are or may be gay. Sexuality can be very complex. Choosing not to accept something doesn’t make it less real.

Ros:
Thanks for commenting. Of course, I was not advocating Caroline walk in and blurt out “Robert are you gay?” I think there is a way to ease into this conversation and it begins with open and honest communication. This is precisely why I suggested she get in touch with a PFLAG chapter, as I’m sure they can help in that regard.

Thanks for your comment

dlb

June 27, 2010 at 4:05 pm

I wanted to address some misconceptions about people who may not condone someone even a loved one being gay. They may not be moved by hatred, only a different understanding of Biblical teaching. It should not result in someone “labeling” them as full of hate because of that. To have different views based on what one genuinely believes is Biblical teaching does not make one a hate monger. On the contrary if one is motivated by love and truth, then it should open up dialog and understanding. Unfortunately, some people believe that you must CONFIRM and AGREE to be loving. That is FAR from reality. It is THAT thinking that builds walls and a false impression that there is agreement. Rather, one should be motivated by LOVE, but perhaps hatred of the livestyle. But if an adult makes a decision based on their own choices or what they feel is beyong choice, then love should also have all parties search for common ground. But the common ground might be that you NEVER reach agreement on earth. In Heaven it will be clear as to what is right or wrong. None of us have perfect knowledge. One can not be motivated by FEELINGS. One can and should be motivated by LOVE. A parent of a teen who may be going through a sexual identify crisis, might have a frank but caring discussion of the issues involved. Clear and loving communication opens up avenues for reconciliation. BUT most comments have indicated that the only choice is full acceptance and that is the only way to prove love. That is not the case and would prove to me that I am not loved. Love is love and it is proven by being honest and communicating truth as you know it in loving ways so that the relationship is maintained and even strengthened in light of distinct differences. Anyone who believes the Bible says that the PRACTICE OF homosexual acts is SIN would be hypocritical if they did not clearly communicate that belief JUST as they would be against God’s teaching to say they love Jesus but did not demonstrate His love. Love personified does not mean ignoring Jesus’s commandments but it does mean speaking the truth IN LOVE.

I love your response to this GEM. I happen to have a lot of gay and lesbian friends and my mom asked me before, why I seem to be so comfortable around them. LoL! While I’m sure she was relieved to know that I am straight, I took it upon myself to introduce her to some of them and with their permission shared some of their stories.
My friends run the gamut from having accepting parents who love them and their partners to friends who have been flat out disowned. Gay people are still people. Their sexuality, anybody’s really, is so little of who they are as a person.
I’m sure Robert is still the same boy you raised who will turn into a great man whether he’s straight or not.
Whether you’re “comfortable” with the idea or not, it could be possible that he is and you’re his mother. There’s not a single mother who will say they had no idea about their child’s sexuality. While I’m sure you have to grip reality and in a sense get over yourself and what it is you want for your son, I’m sure his happiness with his own life must trump the life you want for him.
I’ve seen people live lies and it only lasts for so long before it ends in heartache for them or the people who love them. Just ask yourself, are you prepared to lose your son over something as minute as his sexuality?
Good luck.
Sorry I wrote a book, Rene.

Bennett Cunningham

June 27, 2010 at 8:21 pm

GEM is right on target. Love your son and guide him. This is who he is. As a gay man, I struggled with the same issues. I never told my family. I was tormented for years and lost out on so much – if I just had the comfort knowing that my parents would be there for me and understand. Sadly, when I did tell them , they were distraught for years. But this weekend, they came to visit their grandchildren, and stay in our house with my legal husband. They could’t be happier. Don’t let this be the anchor around your neck that sinks you into the abyss. Just be there for him – you will thank yourself for your bravery in the years to come.

dlb:
The only thing that Caroline needs to affirm is that Robert is her son and she loves him no matter what. At a certain point we as parents we need to shut up, trust that we have taught our kids well and let them live their lives. You mention different understanding of Biblical teachings. I know many Christians who happen to be gay or lesbian. I don’t believe those things have to be mutually exclusive.

But it seems pretty clear to me. You tell your kid you love him, arm him with information he needs to be safe and then let him go make his own decisions and deal with your own issues with regard to it on your own. Thanks for weighing in

Jan

June 28, 2010 at 5:36 am

No point in crying over tomorrow’s spilt milk. You don’t even know whether your son is gay or straight. Having your bond damaged by a strange, possibly unsubstantiated, fear is unnecessary. However, if your son is gay, you should ask yourself: why did you choose to become a mother? Was it an overriding reproductive instinct that compelled you to have offspring that you could nurture to adulthood and love? Did you become a mother so that you could impose your own beliefs, no matter whether logical or misguided, unto your children? Here’s what I think. As a parent, one makes a choice and at the same time one is compelled by nature. Once you are a mother, that’s it. Do the very best you can and don’t ask for anything in return. If you abandon your child at a time of great need your relationship will be damaged, possibly irreparably. Your son will move on, create a new life for himself, scratch together a makeshift family out of friends, lovers and more like-minded relatives. He will leave you out of it. Would you be happy if that happened? I know so many people that have fallen out with their parents, for whatever reasons. I think parents always suffer more. It’s like having a limb cut off, worse even, losing a child.I can tell you this because I am gay; my mother and I fell out over the issue and now our relationship is barely there. I figured that if she didn’t love me enough to let me be, then she didn’t really love me at all. I was merely an extension of her ego.

Tiffay

June 28, 2010 at 7:54 am

It is so unfortunate that we are still here. we are still afraid of what others may think. Rene thank you immensely for your advice to Caroline. I pray this young man is steeped in courage, love and strength. It is a horrible thing to feel shame about who you are and where you have been. Being Gay is not easy. I have a sibling, inlaw, and many close friends that are gay. I make it a point that these people know that no matter what others think, feel, or say about them…when they are in my home none of those things matter. I love them and appreciate them! The world has turned into an awful place when it comes to integrity and respect. I pray that we can all learn to love each other and respect each other. There must be a drastic change soon!

This mother’s letter hurts my heart. You argue with the child about his dress, his friends, lack of girl friends, what the neighbors might think and he’s only 15. You have been f$#@ing with this child a long time, lady!!! Everyone else has said enough positive things to you. You are a mother who absolutely treats strangers better than your own flesh and blood. I can’t go on any further. I feel so sad for your teenager and any other human that lives within your surroundings.

Rene, tell her to buy the Barbara Johnson books, ” Stick a geranium in your hat and be happy!” and “I am so glad you told me…what I didn’t want to hear!” They are good for someone in her situation and written by someone who didn’t like it or know what to do either. God bless!

Caroline, you couldn’t have reached out to a more appropriate site, person, friend than Rene. Take her awesome advise and run to your son. Love him, support him and always be there for Jim. I guarantee you will not regret it for one second. One other thought, have you reached out to your sons friend and his parents? I wish you the best.

As a mother to three incredible children of my own, I could never deny who they are whether they are straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or pink or purple. You can’t place an order for your children like you’re at McDonald’s! They are human beings and deserve unconditional love. From a mother who never thought she would have kids – I can’t imagine my life without them. My kids came from me and I will support them in any way I can until I can’t, which means until I die. That’s my gift to them as a parent. I wish I could say the same about the father of my children – my ex. He is a good father in a lot of ways but he has certain conditions he places on them. If they were to come out as anything different than what he wants, he would be mortified and has said as much, but that’s another story … You are who you are. If you’re my child, or a niece or a nephew or a cousin or an aunt or uncle or brother or sister or mother or father? I support you no matter what. That’s the bible of sorts that I subscribe to. I’m sure they would love me unconditionally if I was a lesbian and they grew up with two mothers…they wouldn’t know the difference! Something to think about…

1st of all, we are all on this earth for a purpose whether, gay, straight, black, white etc…we are here to support and love and care about one another. My daughter is gay and I love her just as much as I love any of our other children. We didn’t raise our kids to be ashamed of who they are….now granted when the kids have gone through some of their phases I have gasped and wondered myself..(piercing comes to mind…lol)…are these our kids???

As far as your church community…I hate to give you advice but your spiritualty is between you and God and frankly please ask yourself honestly if you are in the right church. We went to a very conservative church and everyone follows the preacher’s words to a tea…we stopped going there when our youngest was born. The pastor and his wife came to visit and I explained why we would not be coming back (because no one looks down on my kids…kick me in the gut, call me names but cross my kids and I am an attack dog) Anyway, he listened and both of them sat and we had a very heartfelt conversation about how people try to take what he says at the pulpit and run with it….(in bad ways) We don’t attend that church now but it was a blessing when we did and I will never forget how compassionate and understanding him and his wife were. So, please go see your clergy be honest and I think you may be comforted real clergy are there for their members: for the good, the bad and the in between. If you are not in the right church God will put in the right one….

And, as for your son love him for who HE is that is sometimes the hardest jobs for us moms & dads but it will be good for you and you will be blessed for it…

Love your child…people will always talk no matter who you are, what you have, who you know, how well you do you job, etc., but don’t let nobody dictate how much you’re willing to love your son because he happens to be gay. By worrying about what the neighbors think or other family or anyone else, then you’re playing right into factor. And who will it affect the most, your child! Just love him, support him like you would if he never told you he felt like, want to be, happened to be or was determined to be gay.

Whil;e, of course I agree with everything you said, Rene, we also need to remember that in some areas of the country, suich things are simply not as easily accepted as they are here. They can affect so much more than just your family life. People may not shop at your store or ostracize you in other ways, And what it you cannot afford to move or find another church in such a small town, etc.? So while of course I believe your child is your child and you love them unaconditionally, and yes, you can and probably should try to talk to him about it if you probe and you sense he will open up, I just want to remind some of us that it might not be as easy to live with the different consqequences that might occur in such an area where this might be unpopular and especially if there are other children involved who also may have their lives affected by a son being openely gay. On top of which kids use the term, “Of you’re so gay!” for any behavior they don’t understand or is not mainstream. I grew up with a male ballet dancer who is straighter than I am, and I’m pretty straight! (wink wink Rene! “My Mom crush”). that said too, sure I would hope my family would be strong enough to live with the truth and be strong enough to put it out in the open and be proud. But not every home is so solid, although the way this woman phrased her question was a great sign that they are a strong family and live with a pretty open mindset.
Regardless, I wish her luck, and yes, please let your son know he is loved no matter what his answer, before you ask him. This is more likely to get you a truthful answer. And you can even let him know that it’s fine to say, “Mom, I don;t know.”, and maybe you can help him find out so he can build his life around a truism and be strong and live a good and eventful, positive life. good Luck!

@David: yeah I know not all places are as liberal as here; i worked for two years in Birmingham and 10 in Dallas. But, there comes a time in life when you have to take a stand for what is right, and let the chips fall where they may. She should worry less about how the church neighbors respond and more about the fact that she’s friends and worshipping with folks who could stand to give out some of that God’s grace that they so willingly lap up. This is your KID! Show them sometimes in life we have to take an unpopular stance because it’s the right thing to do.Yes it will make waves, yes you may lose business but what’s really important here?

John M

December 31, 2013 at 8:14 am

Good advice (as always) Rene,
As someone brought up in the church I struggled more with what others thought than accepting and embracing who God made me to be. But my struggles were nothing compared to so many young people who feel rejected by those who they thought loved them, many surrounding them and by the God with whom they want to have a loving relationship. I wasted so much time worrying about that. He loves me…deeply.
Probably one of the biggest insults to gays is “Love the sinner, not the sin”. That is still a label that comes from well meaning people as a compromise but rings as empty as anything you can say. To be told your life is a sin (yes, we all sin…but being who you have not choice to be is not) is just as judgmental as outright rejection.
People who feel saved by Grace should simply give that same unconditional Grace to others. Only one sits in the judgement seat and that chair does not belong to any of us.
Caroline, your son being gay does not define him, it is just a part of who he really is. But how you handle this could very well define you, your relationship with your son, and your role as a loving Mother. Besides you can take comfort in knowing you will always be the most important woman in his life (I bet a lot of Moms would not mind that trade).
He is the same son you love and he needs the same love. He is just finding his way…and so are you.
You will do the right thing. You dont have to get all your thoughts and feelings in a row, that may take time. But just be Mom. Love him, embrace him and you have every reason in the world to be proud of him. As for those around you, what they think is part of their journey not yours. Let go of managing others lives, what others think and how others act. We all have a full time job managing our own.
Hang in there, you have so much more to celebrate than to fear! Wrap your arms around it! J