Recent News

SEATTLE—Introducing the latest seasonal drink to its menu, Starbucks announced Monday that the company is now offering a new lukewarm coffee to help ease customers’ transition from iced to hot beverages.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to assist victims still struggling from the devastating effects of Hurricane Maria, the Trump administration announced Monday that it was sending 30 million nothing to Puerto Rico.

SYRACUSE, NY—Saying Americans squandered the valuable resource on a massive scale, a study released Monday by Syracuse University found that flushing toilets wasted billions of gallons of piss and shit annually.

THE HEAVENS—Charging the supreme being with felony reckless endangerment, heavenly authorities placed the Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, under arrest Monday for leaving His children trapped in an overheating planet.

MINEOLA, NY—Ashamed anew with each new thought that entered his consciousness, local man Paul Bridges reported Monday that he was filled with embarrassment about every opinion that he has ever articulated.

BEAVER DAM, WI—In an effort to justify the recent set of executive orders the president signed earlier this week to dismantle the Affordable Care Act, exhausted Trump supporter Phil Holt reportedly just decided Friday that massive cuts to healthcare subsidies were the reason he voted as he did.

NEW YORK—In a groundbreaking new study published Friday in ‘The Journal Of East Asian Studies,’ a team of leading historians has proved that meditation originally spread from ancient China because a single, highly annoying monk went around telling everyone how much it had changed his life.

NASHVILLE, TN—A new report published Friday by researchers at Vanderbilt University revealed that 17 new species of bacteria are discovered every day during expeditions into the lush plastic foliage of the world’s Rainforest Cafés.

BOSTON—Deciding against putting out the money to hire a service, local man Dylan Curtis reportedly told friends Friday that he was probably just going to move apartments by renting a U-Haul and having a nervous breakdown.

Head To TheOnion.com To Redeem Your Winnings

‘If There Were Any Lingering Doubts, Rest Assured We Do Not Need Them Shown To Us’

WASHINGTON—Explaining that anyone with any lingering doubts could rest assured that the answer was an unequivocal “no,” women across the nation on Thursday clarified that they harbor no secret desire to see any of their colleagues’, acquaintances’, or complete strangers’ genitals.

STANFORD, CA—Having no choice but to discard the partial and unusable results, researchers at the Stanford Center for Sleep Sciences and Medicine were forced on Thursday to scrap yet another sleep study after participants were murdered in their dreams by a serial killer.

George Washington laid the cornerstone of the White House 225 years ago this week, and the building has undergone almost constant change and renovation since then. Here’s a timeline showing how the White House was built.

Drunk Women Find Their Run Across Busy Street Hilarious

HOUSTON—An intoxicated cross-intersection run was found uproariously funny Saturday night when the drunken staff of the Clips ’N’ Curls hair salon engaged in a disorganized and evidently humorous trek past the intersection of Main Street and Texas Avenue. “Oh my God, we’re gonna get killed,” cackled an overjoyed Bev Foster, 26, between wheezing gasps of laughter. “This is the funniest thing ever. No one’s going to believe this even happened.” After gleefully advising party members who had yet to cross that they risked being left behind, Foster then joined in three uninterrupted minutes of hysterical, teary-eyed laughter resulting from assistant manager Karen Willis’ shoe coming off.