August 26, 2006

Lake Ontario No Longer A Great Lake

LANSING - Late Friday afternoon, four of the Great Lakes announced that what was previously the fifth Great Lake, Lake Ontario, was no longer going to be considered a "Great Lake."

In a brief public statement, Lake Superior explained that a number of factors led to Lake Ontario's ousting. "It's got the smallest surface area of the five lakes, and ever since the Zebra Mussels invasion, we've had our doubts about whether it was a good fit. We just think it really isn't working out as a great lake, although we appreciate the time it has spent with us. We hope there are no hard feelings."

Private sources have said that Lake Ontario was heavily lobbying to re-admit Lake Champlain to the exclusive club of Great Lakes. Lake Ontraio was disillusioned when Champlain, its close friend, had been declared a Great Lake by the United States Senate in 1998 only to have its status rescinded less than a month later.

"Champ," an inhabitant of the lake, confirmed that Ontario and Champlain had been in close communication over the years, and blames the falling out on Lake Superior. "Lake Superior is a bit of a control freak. He was afraid of the precedent Lake Champlain set."

Other sources point to speculation about a possible bid to have Lake St. Clair, a close friend of Lake Erie, to be admitted. Supporters of Erie, the shallowest of the five lakes, and now the smallest by area with Ontario ousted, claim that this is a direct warning to Lake Erie, who might have lobbied for St. Clair's admission. They have said it was only a matter of time until Superior flexed its muscles and re-established dominance. "Lake Erie is going to get this message loud and clear. Lake St. Claire has just lost its only important advocate."

Even so, this drastic measure was more than even the most pessimistic analysts expected.

After the announcement, the Great Lakes asked that the media respect their privacy for the near future. When asked about all the textbooks and other records that would need to be changed, Lake Superior was unsympathetic.