Japan Develops Robot with 100% Chance of Beating You at Paper Rock Scissors!

This week, Japan took a week off from electrocuting children and giving cats inappropriate jobs to make something that could very well destroy us all. This new creation is called Janken, and he's is a robot guaranteed to defeat humankind. I mean, in one specific form of combat. Paper Rock Scissors. It can beat us at Paper Rock Scissors.

Hey, don't laugh! Paper Rock Scissors has decided some important moments in our history.

You can't see it, but just to the right, John McCain is throwing scissors.(source)

Janken is guaranteed to beat any human one hundred percent of the time at Paper Rock Scissors. It sounds insane, but the sensors on the robot can detect what your muscles are doing before you can even finish throwing your move. Just see for yourself how great Janken is—

Whatever robot. Let's see you make a Calvin and Hobbes comic. That's right, humans still rule.

I don't know what kind of human-sde traitors we've got making robots over in japan, but the thing basically cheats. Janken is literally waiting for you to begin to move the muscles of your hand into a shape and will then automatically throw the winning move. Our only hope is to throw the made-up, nonsensical sort of moves we threw in third grade.

"Um, lava beats paper. Also rock. And also scissors."

Hopefully we don't have some lilly-livered liberal President when the robot uprising movies have been promising us for years happens. They'd probably cry and do "whatever it takes to end the bloodshed", even if it means putting our world up against the robot leader in Paper Rock Scissors. But even if they're not, maybe there's something the robots hadn't counted on? What if, after the papers, the rocks, and the scissors have been thrown, human beings were able to throw another move? That move being, of course, love. Human beings have the capacity to forgive each other, no matter what happens in the Paper Rock Scissors tournament. And that gives us the advantage!

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