Day 542 – My porn addiction

This is a re – post. It is a old post of mine. I have given it a facelift and posted it again: enjoy!

3 years ago I quit watching porn. Some times today I still have flashbacks. Porn addiction had been a part of me form more than 10 years, and going way back with its relations , when I was 5 or 6 years old, discovering and finding porn magazines along the high way. My addiction where bad and it drove me down many dangerous tracks. Addictions are real and very much of what controls the dynamics and what controls the world we live in. Addiction is served to us through commercials and government programs, corruption and mafia. We are made into addicts to stay consuming and stay obedient in fear to the controlling elite.

I started to watch a lot of porno online in 2004, on internet. By then my abuse had stretched far into the world of perversion, emotions, guilt and sorrow. I was in reality a monster and my mind was filed to its rims with abusive porn from internet. I choose to be open about my addiction because I think it is worthy to share light on this matters. Porn culture is ruing life.

I write this here now because it is clear to me that what is best for all in that someone shares these stories. Someone must tell the truth. Someone share these incidents and this type experience, to the rest of the world, for prevention, and see that the growing generation that is coming after us, are already showing clear signs of both porn addiction and sexual confusion and perversions.

My relationship to porn started before 2005. Back when I was 5 or 6 years old. I would find porn magazines along the high way. I grew up 30 meters from a European high way. Sometimes I would find porno magazines along the way. I would sometimes share these magazines perhaps with my cousins that I grew up close in relation to. These porno magazines I would hide in my room or outside in caves or beneath rocks. The porno magazines where my thrill and my sensations in my world growing up. I recall that I would stare at the nude girls in the magazines and just study the bodies in every way I could.

I was more than one time told straight by my mother and my father. They caught me with porno magazines in my room stored away in hidden closets and drawers I would later become real upset and depressed from losing my porn pictures and magazines.

The magazines I found along the highway was my treasures, and my secretes when I was growing up. I remember that I read that in the back of the porno magazines that I found there where advertisements for porno videos and online phone chats, sex chats. During growing up I was also introduced to porno by a video from my third cousin. I particularly remember that movie. It was a Danish movie. And I remember its scenes mixed of humors and nudity and sex acting out. Later when I was 14 or 15, I was again introduced to watching a porno video. I remember I was super exited. This was during school hours and we would sneak out and watch the short porno movies at a nearby house. This VHS tape that I was to watch was recorded from a TV station. A so called adult movie. We where about 4 or 5 boys then that would sneak in to the home of a class mate and we would watch a short 5 or 10 minute long porno movie of nudity and sex exposure. These are my 3 very first meetings with porno. I will work through self forgiveness for these memories and relations here.

Today porn is a greater challenge than ever before. Consequences of this we see with gang rapes and murder in India, and horror stories from UK about pedophile rings, and so on.

Here comes myself forgiveness on my early days with porno. Thank you for reading.

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the moment when I as a child found porno magazines along the high way, and I attached a negative value to this memory, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the sudden rush of dopamine that would start flowing through me like a drug and like a addiction, energy ride through my body, and I forgive myself for having created, right there and right then a relationship with porno and with addiction to porno that I would later crave like a drug/emotions, and for later today realizing that I have created a addiction with porno from then and that I from that moment of looking through the porno magansies like “boom”: I had started a energy addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for letting in my childhood years and my addiction to porno get all out of hand when I would find more and more porno magazines along the high ways and create this secret mind about owning porno magansies and having porno pictures, in my possession, and I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for hiding from my parents the porno pictures and the images of porno that I would evolve an addictive relationship to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for when I was young boy, and I would visit my school chum, and we would watch a soft core movie together, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for my memory of negative character of my memory of drinking alcohol and later watching the soft core, porn movie together with my mate from school, and for my memory of thinking that the movie was to soft core and that I specifically remember that I wanted to see more intimate parts of the porn actresses body, I desired more and more, like with a addiction, and I remember that I was drinking alcohol and that I had these thought progress within me manifesting as a character of sabotaging and of abuse within my life and of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for later blaming my third cousin for serving me alcohol and for introducing me to soft core porno and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the blame that I would serve him for his participation with serving me alcohol and the porno movie, when I realize that when I pass this blame on him, I only wanted to avoid being responsible with myself for my school work and it is myself and my relationship to school that is to blame, and not my school chum, when I avoid being responsible I am in fact sabotaging myself and not serving myself honesty and rather passing blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to take responsibility for my action and for not wanting to hide from my responsibility with how I acted when I was in elementary school, growing porn addiction, and for not taking the full responsibility for my actions and for my own life, and for my memories that I find hard to determine whether is negative or positive of value, and I realize that my ability to balance or know when to take responsibility for is at stake, and I further forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for creating a bubble of imaginations and mind components that I should just let my addiction go on and not care about is of take responsibility for it, when I rather need and should face my addictions and my memories and my fears so that I can stand as a responsible human being within, relating to this world and to my responsibilities in a honest manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, for not realizing or fully understanding that my addiction to porn started when I was 5 or 6 years old, with kids play and I forgive myself for having accepted and I have allowed myself for hiding my shame and fear from the reality that would grow big and ugly on me later in life from having lived a life in abuse and with porno addiction and for having lived a life with what I would call severe addiction, that lived on through me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for my relationship of energies on having a selfish need to decide whether my relationship to porno online is addictive or if it is in anyway causing me to have a relationship based on dopamine or adrenaline when I am online or presented porno, trying to categorize my addiction and the chemical within, and I feel this urge to relate to it in a manner of judging myself and I sort of freeze and forget to properly dealt with, if or if not my relationship is a addiction or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the times when I see for instance a bikini online or a woman with little clothes, and I use this as deliberate reason to jerk of. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the images that appear in my mind and in my head when I jerk of and I realize that I still have a addicticion to porno, when I am jerking of and projecting all sort of images in my mind making it harder for me to really masturbate and to really have an intimate and honest session with myself.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for all the times that I let picture appear on my screen of bikini ladies or of women that are more or less nude, and I let this trigger a sudden reaction within me, and I use this a as reason to start an intimate session or just plain jerking of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted accepted and allowed myself for the times when I am masturbating and when I am having a intimate session, that I would experience some sort of pictures flowing through my mind that I would experience some sort of need or this and that picture and for the images that I let run through my mind and that I let, have its way with me, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for ignoring the pictures and the images that run through me and that I would try to block out the images from my mind and I would try just to imagine how nice it is to be intimate with myself and my experience of my intimacy and for my experience of blocking out images of my mind and my head and being intimate and self honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the particular episode of when me and my buddies where given a VHS tape to watch that contained some porno pictures, that I attach negative value at, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the excitement that I felt when I was walking over to this school buddy of mine and I was to watch the porno tape, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for my need or wanting to bee intimate with myself and picturing that episode or my need open up any other memories of histories from those days of any type of memories from my years going to school, when I was a child.

When and as I see myself coming to a conclusion that a am living a life in addiction, or a life with adrenaline addiction to nude bodies or bodies that are sexually acting out. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am judging myself and causing blame from having lives with porn addiction for many years and that within my life and my world and I realize that I am no longer addicted to the adrenaline rush of porno or nude bodies but I am rather stuck in moments of realizing that I have been addicted to porno online and sex online for many years. I commit myself to block all porn. I commit myself to help other to recover from porn. I commit myself to work for deleting porn from society.

When and as I see myself going back in time and causing blame with my cousins or causing blame with my school mates, or anyone else, I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I go back to memories to serve guilt and to serve blame I am not being honest with myself I am not giving myself the truth or honesty and I commit myself to be honest about my memories and to be honest about my sexuality and my acting out free and for my desire to be intimate with myself and my desire to have intimate sessions with my body and to masturbate. I commit myself to be intimate with myself and my body. I commit myself to have a natural relationship to masturbating and to jerking of, without pictures and energies within my mind – when I jerk of.

When and as I see myself remembering pictures or short videos of pornographic content or I feel like jerking of and stimulate myself with masturbation and I fear that pictures of porn might jump up in my mind and appear in my head like images of an emotionally state or a state of depression or shame. I stop and I breathe. I realize that porno is addictive and I also realize that I have come to the conclusion that porno is wrong. I commit myself to avoid entering porn sites and to avoid looking at porno on the internet. I commit myself to end my relationship that I have had or experienced with porno. I commit myself to stop porn for future generations for what is best for all.

When and as I see myself remembering or just procrastinating parts of my physical or mind memory that I have from porno. I stop and I breathe. I realize that porno only make me depressed and it makes me feel bad looking back at the happenings and the insolent. I commit myself to stop living in memories and to stop living a life with memorizing how I used to look at porno and blaming myself and others because of that. I commit myself to end my relationship to porno ad to stop my participation with the negativity that porno or memories of porno is. I commit myself to be open about my porn relationship to prevent further abuse of this kind. I commit myself to stand up against porn.

When and as I see myself looking through my mind memories and my physical memories and I find pieces of porno and I find traces of porno content in within myself. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I need to debunk my mind and my physical for porn and for content that is ever related to porno. I commit myself to debunk and to walk out all what is needed to be walked out in relations to porno and leave it behind. I commit myself to stop participating with porno and stop stimulating myself with the usage of porno.

When and as I see myself going back in my memories to specific pictures of specific videos that are pornographic I stop and I breathe. I realize that all the memories and all the pictures of pornographic content have to leave my body, and I need to get all of it out of my body. I realize that the porn industry is a wealthy and power full lobby and industry. I commit myself to debunk all my material and al my pornographic content that was ever with me or within me. I commit myself to common sense and to stop porn.

When and as I see myself going into blame or shame or guilt or any other emotional state or emotional way of reacting and way of thinking because of porn, I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I burry myself in shame and guilt and sorrow from having viewed porn before, I am not being honest with myself and I am not supporting myself at all. I realize that there is no right or wrong, good or bad, there is only what is best or all. I commit myself to stop living in a emotional state of blame and regret. I commit myself to be honest with myself and to give myself the support that I need and to be honest with myself with my intimacy and bring myself back to breathe.

When and as I see myself going into blame or anger or any emotional state of feeling bad or sorry for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I let myself go into a state of emotional distress or emotional disturbance or just blame myself with shame and sorrow on a continually basis I am not a well functioning being, and I am not being supporting with myself at all. And I am overdosing on shame and sorrow I am not being honest with myself at all. And I commit myself to be honest with myself and bring myself back to breathe and here as life.

When and as I see myself going into a character or a type entity where I imagine that “hey, some porno would be nice” or in any way suggesting that to watch porno would be nice or all right for me to participate with – I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I fool myself with wanting or having to watch porno I realize that I am merely fooling myself and deceiving myself with the desire to watch nudity and sex online that would only bring me down emotionally. I realize that porn is to remove one – self from sexuality and a healthy sex life.