Don Juan
By
Lord Byron
Canto I

This is the patent-age of new inventions For killing bodies, and for saving souls,All propagated with the best intentions; Sir Humphry Davy's lantern, by which coalsAre safely mined for in the mode he mentions, Tombuctoo travels, voyages to the Poles,Are ways to benefit mankind, as true,Perhaps, as shooting them at Waterloo.

Man 's a phenomenon, one knows not what, And wonderful beyond all wondrous measure;'T is pity though, in this sublime world, that Pleasure 's a sin, and sometimes sin 's a pleasure;Few mortals know what end they would be at, But whether glory, power, or love, or treasure,The path is through perplexing ways, and whenThe goal is gain'd, we die, you know — and then —

What then? — I do not know, no more do you — And so good night. — Return we to our story:'T was in November, when fine days are few, And the far mountains wax a little hoary,And clap a white cape on their mantles blue; And the sea dashes round the promontory,And the loud breaker boils against the rock,And sober suns must set at five o'clock.

'T was, as the watchmen say, a cloudy night; No moon, no stars, the wind was low or loudBy gusts, and many a sparkling hearth was bright With the piled wood, round which the family crowd;There 's something cheerful in that sort of light, Even as a summer sky 's without a cloud:I 'm fond of fire, and crickets, and all that,A lobster salad, and champagne, and chat.

'T was midnight — Donna Julia was in bed, Sleeping, most probably, — when at her doorArose a clatter might awake the dead, If they had never been awoke before,And that they have been so we all have read, And are to be so, at the least, once more; — The door was fasten'd, but with voice and fistFirst knocks were heard, then 'Madam — Madam — hist!

'For God's sake, Madam — Madam — here 's my master, With more than half the city at his back — Was ever heard of such a curst disaster! 'T is not my fault — I kept good watch — Alack!Do pray undo the bolt a little faster — They 're on the stair just now, and in a crackWill all be here; perhaps he yet may fly — Surely the window 's not so very high!'

By this time Don Alfonso was arrived, With torches, friends, and servants in great number;The major part of them had long been wived, And therefore paused not to disturb the slumberOf any wicked woman, who contrived By stealth her husband's temples to encumber:Examples of this kind are so contagious,Were one not punish'd, all would be outrageous.

I can't tell how, or why, or what suspicion Could enter into Don Alfonso's head;But for a cavalier of his condition It surely was exceedingly ill-bred,Without a word of previous admonition, To hold a levee round his lady's bed,And summon lackeys, arm'd with fire and sword,To prove himself the thing he most abhorr'd.

Poor Donna Julia, starting as from sleep (Mind — that I do not say — she had not slept),Began at once to scream, and yawn, and weep; Her maid Antonia, who was an adept,Contrived to fling the bed-clothes in a heap, As if she had just now from out them crept:I can't tell why she should take all this troubleTo prove her mistress had been sleeping double.

But Julia mistress, and Antonia maid, Appear'd like two poor harmless women, whoOf goblins, but still more of men afraid, Had thought one man might be deterr'd by two,And therefore side by side were gently laid, Until the hours of absence should run through,And truant husband should return, and say,'My dear, I was the first who came away.'

Now Julia found at length a voice, and cried, 'In heaven's name, Don Alfonso, what d' ye mean?Has madness seized you? would that I had died Ere such a monster's victim I had been!What may this midnight violence betide, A sudden fit of drunkenness or spleen?Dare you suspect me, whom the thought would kill?Search, then, the room!' — Alfonso said, 'I will.'

He search'd, they search'd, and rummaged everywhere, Closet and clothes' press, chest and window-seat,And found much linen, lace, and several pair Of stockings, slippers, brushes, combs, complete,With other articles of ladies fair, To keep them beautiful, or leave them neat:Arras they prick'd and curtains with their swords,And wounded several shutters, and some boards.