Joe Schmidt’s Outrageous Contract Demands Revealed

As the Irish rugby world celebrated the appointment of tactical Kiwi genius Joe Schmidt as head coach of Ireland, the darker side of the deal has been left untouched by the general press. We at The Potato can exclusively reveal the contract that enticed Joe Schmidt to the main job.

Sources at the IRFU revealed yesterday at The Bath bar, after the Aviva Press conference, over numerous whiskey cocktails that the contract Schmidt demanded was a little more than unusual. Schmidt knowing that Ireland was desperate to secure him was given the opportunity to stipulate a few diva like demands into his contract.

Having been deprived of his contract requests by Leinster, Schmidt put the word out that if the IRFU was willing to go the extra mile and appreciate his unusual needs he might consider the big Ireland job.

Your source was able to ascertain a copy of an extract of contract demands which was signed yesterday.

1. The pope mobile is to be revamped so Schmidt can arrive to matches in style and also so he does not have to suffer the smell of the team bus. (Some of the team is believed to have adverse bodily reactions to their protein shakes)

2. Schmidt is to be provided with a private bathroom with a personal toilet attendant who will be available to warm the toilet seat when required.

3. A full bowl of green M & Ms must be present at all times in Schmidt’s office

4. All team members are to be banned from using social media sites, which include twitter, instagram etc. (This is mainly due to Jamie Heaslip and Cian Healy’s excessive online bro-mance that Schmidt feels is a distraction.)

5. All team members are to refer to Schmidt as “The Green Wizard” when addressing him.

6. A cage to house 100 kiwi birds is to be built in a meditation garden next to Schmidt’s office.

And finally,

7. Schmidt must have access to the American version of Netflix.

Despite these eccentric demands the IRFU believe they have secured the best man for the job and we here at The Potato wish Joe Schmidt the best of luck.