'X' MARKS THE THOUGHT...

Cantos

Monday, May 27, 2013

I'll get straight to the point. My girlfriend has gained weight. So much weight that I'm just not attracted to her anymore. She's promised to try and control her appetite but she keeps getting bigger. I suspect she's sneaking chocolates on the sly and then lying about it. If that's not bad enough, she acts like it's my fault. She says she only started eating more because I talked her into quitting smoking. It's true, I did demand that she give up cigarettes but that's only because I was concerned for her health. Hell, I probably saved her from getting lung cancer, didn't I? Shouldn't she be thanking me for that?

Anyway, do you think she might have a food addiction? If so, what can I do about it? I swear, I've very nearly had it with her...

-One Who Cares About an Ungrateful Wench

Dear Ungrateful Stench,

Dude, there are 1st-world problems, there are 3rd-world problems, and then there are idiot-world problems. Think very hard about which world you're living in.

If the wench is lying to you, believe me, it's not because she has a food addiction. The real reason for her binge and perjury is that you're an idiot who she's not comfortable sharing the truth with. And that's your fault. You have a girl who wants so badly to please you that she gave up her favorite vice, cigarettes, just because you asked her to, and that's not enough for you? You "demanded" she quit smoking? Why? What ever you claim, the real reason is because you just wouldn't accept her as she was. You wanted to change her into something more palatable to your own taste. And now you don't like what she changed into so you want her to change again. So who's ungrateful, really? Don't tax your frail mind on that question.

Consider a few things: Firstly; cigarettes supress appetite hence smokers usually eat less than non smokers. Therefore, (i realize this is complicated but try real hard to follow it, okay?) they weigh less than non smokers. You don't approve of her weight? Well, you broke it, punk, so live with it or set the girl free.

Secondly: You think smoking was bad for her health? What about obesity? Is lung cancer somehow any worse than diabetes? What about stroke? Or burning to death because you were too wide to squeeze thru a window and reach a fire-escape? No, she's not going to live any longer because you so beneficently got her off the cigarettes, she'll just die from something else, possibly something worse, and it will be because of you. Yes, you did it to her. It's. Entirely. Your. Fault. Still feel good about yourself?

Don't go imagining you did a good deed by turning her from a smoker to an eater. Remember Douglas Fairbanks? He smoked a cigarette in almost every scene in The Gaucho. In The Mark of Zorro he fought an entire sword duel with a cigarette in his mouth. But did smoking kill him? No, it was rich food that did it. The first great swashbuckler ate himself into a heart attack.

Remember, as well: World War 2 wasn't won by armies of eaters; it was won by armies of smokers. That's right. Lean, fit cigarette-smoking young badasses storming the beaches of Europe. The Germans were anti-smoking and they lost the war.

So, seriously, buy the girl a box of Lucky Strikes and beg her forgiveness. Or, better still, break up with her. Set her free to find somebody who actually likes her and approves of her as she is. You're not worthy of her and you'll just make her miserable. So get it over with.

Lastly; recent studies suggest that cigarettes don't cause cancer at all. What actually causes a person to get cancer is the stress of listening to the incessant nagging of meddlesome busybodies bitching at them to quit smoking. Yeah, so chin up, genius, your carcinogenic piehole has probably already doomed her to that fate.