Writer

Logline Critique 13

Lacey and Grace are twins, they’ve always said they share more than looks, they share a soul. When Grace dies, Lacey doesn’t know who she is anymore, what to do with her life. Then a blank envelope appears in her mailbox and Grace leads her on an adventure that just may save Lacey’s own life.

I think this logline is great. You’ve got stakes (Lacey’s life), you’ve got mystery (how did Grace send a letter from beyond the grave?), I’m hooked. My only comment would be about their names – I had to double check who was who – plus as a twin mom myself, it really annoys me when people give twins rhyming names (in fiction esp, but also real life :D).
Good luck with this one!

The first sentence is a bit of a run-on with three clauses separated by commas. Consider instead: “Lacey and Grace are twins. They’ve always said they share more than looks; they also share a soul.” or “Lacey and Grace are twins who’ve always said they share more than looks, they also share a soul.”

I would also add the word ‘or’ to start the last clause of the second sentence: “,or what to do with her life.” Other than that, this sounds really intriguing and makes me want to read more to find out more about the adventure. Good luck!

I like this logline and it makes me want to read more. You might be able to combine the first two sentences into one to make the same point and avoid all the commas (and save some words). Perhaps something like: “When Lacey’s twin sister Grace dies, Lacey feels like a part of her soul is missing and doesn’t know what to do with her life anymore.” This is only a minor point, but the first time I read “blank envelope” I thought an envelope with nothing in it and wondered how that would lead Lacey on an adventure. Could just be me, but maybe “unaddressed” or “letter” (if that’s what’s in the envelope) might be more clear. Good luck!

Instead of “just may” maybe just may, and delete “own.” This has a great hook, just needs tightening. Maybe something like: Twins Lacey and Grace always said they not only share their looks, but also a soul. So when Grace dies, Lacey feels like her life and identity are completely lost, until a mysterious blank envelope appears in her mailbox and Grace leads her on an adventure that may save Lacey’s life.