I am not my Eating Disorder

I tried to hold a conversation with my dietitian last week about exercise, and it ended in me biting back tears.

If there is one phrase that I hate and I’m tired of hearing from everyone, it’s this one: “Melinda, I can’t tell if I’m talking to you or your eating disorder right now.”

STOP.

I am NOT my eating disorder. My name is not Ana. It’s Melinda. My name has never been Ana, so please stop treating me like I’m her.

I have an eating disorder, but I am NOT my eating disorder. It’s not some adjective used to describe me, nor does it define who I am as a person.

Let’s get this straight, I fucking hate anorexia. It has hurt not just me, but everyone around me. My eating disorder isn’t something I’m proud of, but actually something I carry with shame.

My eating disorder doesn’t get to do the talking anymore; I do.

***Woah. Pause.***

Did I just say that and genuinely mean it? Because if I did, that’s really impressive. A year ago, the thought of recovery terrified me because I didn’t know who I’d be without anorexia. Giving up my eating disorder felt like giving up a huge part of myself, and honestly at the time, it was the only part of myself I liked.

Now I’m on the other side, and I realize I’m okay. I was so scared of giving up that piece of myself, and I really didn’t need to be afraid. It didn’t hurt like I thought it would. Actually it’s feel really good to finally be something more than my eating disorder.

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Published by Grace Undefined

Most people refer to me as Melinda or Mindy. One of my best friends calls me Grace; I think I prefer it.
I've lived just about everywhere, but finally settled in Florida. I don't think I will ever leave! I love the warm weather and summer waves way too much. I am married to an amazing husband and three very busy children. I wouldn't change my life for anything-for the good or the bad.
A few years ago my world turned upside down, and the collateral damage was extensive. I was diagnosed with PTSD, anorexia, and DID. My diagnoses were not the death sentence I originally thought they were. I learned that it does get better, but only with help and a lot of hard work. It has been an extremely difficult but rewarding experience to move back to a healthy existence. I have learned more about myself than ever thought possible, and I'm so much stronger and wiser for it.
So, this is my blog about mental health. It's a documentation of my journey, a sharing of what I have learned, and is (or at least will be) chalk full of resources for others.
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