In truly magical news, actor Lindsay Lohan, 28, has announced her intention to write her memoirs, which will “probably be like a trilogy, like Harry Potter because there’s so many”.

Leaving aside the fact that there are seven Harry Potter books and not three, the most confusing aspect to this statement is the presumably minimal crossover between the life of the former child actor and a fictional series about wizards, Horcruxes and dark magic.

Speaking to the Daily Mail, the Mean Girls star and professional Chiltern Firehouse-goer stated her intention to “put a lot of photos and cool stuff” in the book.

No comment on what precisely the cool stuff would be, but she does elaborate:

I worked with a lot of girls in India that have gone through a lot of stuff, and a lot of kids who have gone through family issues or who get subjected to DUI.

I think it’s reasonable to assume at this point that the book will contain a lot of stuff. The book will be stuffed with stuff; including, hopefully, an explanation as to how one is “subjected” to a DUI (driving under the influence) arrest, as opposed to, say, rightly being pulled over when wasted behind the wheel of a Cadillac Escalade.

Earlier this month, Lohan even mused that she might like JK Rowling to ghostwrite her memoirs. (She seems obsessed with JK Rowling. Did she put herself forward for the role of Ginny Weasley?)

Another name bandied around as a potential collaborator was Fifty Shades of Grey author EL James. Clearly LiLo is a big fan of writers who use initials in their pen names, and we can only despair that the late DH Lawrence is not around to throw his hat into the ring.

To be fair to Lohan, she has packed a lot into her life. Starting out as a critically acclaimed child star, the actor has become increasingly known for her parents’ ugly spats in the media, as well as stints in rehab and prison.

I feel like my book will be more about that than anything else because there’s the excitement of the life that I have lived but I’ve seen a lot and if I can help anyone that might feel like it’s OK to screw up, it’s OK to feel lonely, or ugly or to feel overweight or underweight.

I’m thinking this book will end up as a sort of Harry Potter self-help mashup, leaving Waterstones employees in a tizzy of confusion as to where to place it.

Lohan is currently in London making her theatrical debut in David Mamet’s Speed-The-Plow at the Playhouse Theatre, directed by Lindsay Posner. She has no plans to go into playwriting that we know of, but give it time. Give it time.

Other celeb memoirs we’d like to see

Justin Bieber, taken when the singer was in custody. Photograph: Miami Beach Police Departmen/REX

Justin Bieber, inspired by the Adventures of Pinocchio

The kid who first burst into the public consciousness as a viral YouTube phenomenon and a bowl-cut just wants to be a real boy. Hence his recent transformation into a gym-hitting, monkey-adopting hellraiser who spits on his fans; in Bieber’s mind, this is what men are made of.

Lady Gaga, inspired by Cinderella

We’re keen on Gaga taking inspiration for her book from Cinderella because, in this alternate narrative, she might get a chance to try some shoes on that actually fit. Presently, the Born This Way pop star tends to dress her feet in an assortment of shapes that were never designed for human trotters. Like these, for instance.