Friday, November 16, 2012

The Weakest Link

My favorite installment, besides Spaceman Spiff of course, was at the end of the first “Transmogrifier” story arc.

The Transmogrifier, for those of you not familiar with the astounding brilliance of Calvin & Hobbes, is a fantastical machine invented by the strip’s main character, Calvin. It is based on the infinite malleability of cardboard box technology and is powered by imaginarium. It bears a striking, if inverted, resemblance to Calvin’s time machine and the spacecraft he and Hobbes used to become the first six year old and tiger, respectively, to reach Mars. The Transmogrifier’s primary function is to transform boys into other lifeforms, such as eels, slugs, bugs, and small dinosaurs.

In this particular installment, Calvin and Hobbes are standing in their yard next to the machine discussing their recent groundbreaking experiments with lifeform transmogrification.

Hobbes: Your machines works amazingly well. Calvin: It’s my own design. Hobbes: What will you do with it now? Calvin: Good question… (About this time, Susie Derkins, the slimy girl next door, happens by. Calvin raises his voice) …although I suppose we could turn Susie into a BOWL OF CHOWDER, if we could just get her in the machine! Suzy doesn’t break stride and snarls over her shoulder, “Leave me out of your life’s plans, you little weirdo.”

God, I miss Calvin and Hobbes, and most especially the biting sarcasm of Susie Derkins, a girl after my own heart and who bears an unnerving resemblance to my own wife, especially the biting and the sarcasm part.

What brings this up?

We the people.

Lately, these last four years anyway, I’ve been hearing We The People a lot.

I mean, like a lot.

Now, sure “We the people…” sounds pretty damned awesome when you put it in front of an entire Constitution, but I’m pretty sure Thomas Jefferson used the phrase only once, maybe twice, in conversation before George Washington called him out on it. What’s this “we” shit, Tom? You got worms or something?

Lately, every time, every single time, I hear the phrase, “we the people…” it’s almost always followed by some cockamamie demand or nonsensical scheme for “fixing” the United States of America.

We the people.

Oh, please.

Google “we the people” and see what you get. Go on, it’s fun. Like hitting your thumb with a hammer is fun.

We the people demand an end to war.

We the people demand the truth about the alien spaceship recovered from Roswell, New Mexico.

We the people demand to know the truth about fluoride.

We the people demand disclosure of bigfoot!

Remember that joke with the Lone Ranger and Tonto surrounded by hostile Indians? What you mean “we,” white man?

Like that. Exactly like that.

What do you mean “We?”

We the people? We? We, as in all of us? Who, exactly, appointed these lunkheads to speak for all of us? I don’t remember voting on this, because I’m pretty sure I would have voted them right off the island instead of electing them spokesman. Not even if I’d been drinking, because, seriously, I’ve never been that drunk. Never.

We the people. You’re kidding right?

I’m going to be honest with you, it seems to me that a lot of the people lately are, well, idiots. And by idiots I mean the drooling hairy palmed kind who are fascinated by their own bellybuttons. I’m sorry to be the one to point this out, but there it is. Idiots. The people are idiots. And I really don’t want to be included in any “we” that also includes them.

Leave me out of your life’s plans, you little weirdoes.

In states with concealed carry permits, when confronted by the police you are typically required to inform the officer immediately if you’re packing heat. I think we need something similar for idiots. I think they should be required to begin all conversations with “We the People” proclaimed with ponderous gravity and their arm raised like Lincoln giving the Gettysburg Address. See, that way the rest of us will know right away. Oh, you’re an idiot. Excellent. Now I don’t have to waste time listening to the rest of your silly jabber. Well, goodbye then and remember, first pants, then shoes.

Typically, these idiots are the ones screaming the loudest about having a voice in government.

Which is probably why the Founding Fathers specifically decided to form a Republic instead of a straight up democracy.

Now granted, the First Amendment does give all American citizens the right to petition their government, even if they are idiots.

But up until recently, it’s been a huge pain to petition the government. Which, upon reflection, was probably on purpose because it cut down, somewhat, on the idiots.

Theoretically you could talk directly to your congressional representative or senator – if you were the CEO of Exxon, say, or like really, really hot and not particular about banging creepy old men who smell of bourbon and dollar bills. Or what you could do is create a petition and then hang out in front of shopping malls pestering the hell out of random people for their signatures. See, that’s where the checks and balances part comes in, you’ve got to really want something if you’re willing to put up with the abuse of the general public in person, because, as I’ve mentioned, most of them are idiots. Once you’ve convinced, oh, say, like bizallion people to sign your piece of paper, you can either mail it in to the government or simply shred it yourself at the nearest Office Max.

However, when Barack Obama was sworn in, he brought a charming optimism to the Oval Office and he ordered the creation of a new White House website where citizens could directly petition the president and actually get answers. If twenty-five thousand people are willing to put their name on a petition, the President has promised to provide a response.

Because, really, what could go wrong with that? Right? Hello?

So far, eighty-two petitions have been answered by the President – including a detailed response to The People’s Freedom of Information demand for full disclosure of Obama’s beer recipe. The People had a right to know if there were any Muslims hiding in there, among the hops.

The White House calls it We The People and it ushered in a new era of closeness between The Idiots People and their elected leaders. The website provides guidance for creating your own petition on behalf of the rest of us. Petitions should follow a specific format and should be on subjects that are of concern to all Americans.

WE THE PEOPLE of the United States of America, pursuant to the Bill of Rights, Amendment One, declare that we are grieved over the presence of "CHEMTRAILS" in the airspace over the U.S.A. and hereby petition the United States government to take immediate action to cease all Geo-Engineering, HAARP & "CHEMTRAIL" activity in the airspace over the United States of America. WE, the People, further DEMAND an immediate, thorough and honest investigation into Geo-Engineering, HAARP, & what the substance called "CHEMTRAILS" actually consists of and discover the true purpose of spraying America (and its people) with harmful substances. THEREFORE, it is concluded that Americans are, and have been, under attack and have become the victims of BIOCHEMICAL WARFARE. We deserve answers to these charges.

Now that you know what this is all about, let’s see what The People have done with their First Amendment rights besides requesting more government issued tinfoil for their Magic Negro Ray Cranial Protection Cap and bun warmer.

Yes, let’s just take a look, shall we?

Let us just.

As I write this, there are one hundred and ninety-six petitions on the website.

At least one third have something to do with secession from the United States of America.

Texas leads the way with over a hundred and ten thousand signatures – most of which are from people in the other forty-nine states. Ouch.

Oregon wants to secede but remain an “ally” of the United States. Or in other words Oregonians would like all the benefits of being Americans, but without having a stinky black guy in charge.

Fourteen thousand people have signed a petition asking that all fifty states be allowed to secede, and then form their own nation together. Apparently they want to call it “The United States” to distinguish it from the nation they’re planning to secede from.

There’s a petition to require all seceding states to pay off their portion of the national debt before they secede.

Now, I got to thinking about that. If we coupled this petition to the previous one, we might actually have a workable plan. Step 1) Pay off your part of the debt. Step 2) secede. Step 3) Once all fifty states have seceded, reform the Union debt free.

Or, and here’s an idea, we all secede from Texas! Sure. See, we all sneak out one by one without paying and then secretly reform the United States – leaving Texas stuck with a $16 Trillion tab. Hilarity ensues.

Alternatively, if Texas stops acting like a dick, we could take them with us … and stiff Guam and Puerto Rico!

What?

Oh, right. I’m goofy.

Have you seen the actual budget plan?

Exactly.

Fine. Just think about it. That’s all I’m asking.

A number of cities within the seceding states have started petitions to secede from the seceding states and rejoin the United States – I recommend we call that the “West Berlin” option and I’m waiting for the petition from the seceding states requesting that the United States pay for a wall around the cities that succeeded in seceding from the seceding states.

Then there are petitions demanding that the secessionists self-secede or be unceremoniously stripped of their citizenship and deported to the country of their ancestors. I think this is a bit unworkable and it will probably end up costing us more than it’s worth, so I’m starting my own petition demanding that Obama issue an executive order making it legal for any loyal citizen to give any secessionist an atomic wedgie – alternatively you may key their Hummer.

Now not every petition on We The People comes from crazy secessionists.

We request that Barack Obama be impeached for the following reasons. 1. He proclaimed war in libya without getting congress approval first. Article I, Section 8- Only congress can approve to start war. 2. Obamacare is unconstitutional. Forcing US citizens to get health insurance whether they want it or not. 3. Obama disrespects our Constitution calling it flawed and trying to change it even after taking this oath: "I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the united States." 4. Appointing agency “czars” without Senate approval. 5. He’s black! Oh my God! He’s so black! There’s a black man in the WHITE House! (Ok, I just added number five in myself. But it seemed to fit)

There’s another one that petitions Barack Obama to allow the public examination of his birth certificate and school records. I’m onboard with this, but only if Donald Trump is also required to admit his hair is really the malignant offspring of a unholy mating between biochemical warfare created from “CHEMTRAILS” and John Boehner’s self tanning lotion. Also, there should be some Nazis in there somewhere.

There’s a petition that demands the United States Government finally admit that Israel was responsible for the 9-11 terrorist attacks. I’d like to add an amendment to this petition making Ghana responsible for the sinking of RMS Titanic and designating Denmark as the scapegoat for Disney’s John Carter disaster. Also, while we’re at it, let’s pin the blame for Windows Vista on Rhode Island.

In the “be careful what you wish for” category, there’s a petition to make President Obama implement a policy for declassifying discoveries by NSA Mathematicians (I swear I’m not making this up). I used to work for NSA, I know a few of those “mathematicians.” I’ve had to sit in briefings while these socially awkward Wizards of Warcraft fumbled through a hundred Power Point slides filled with indecipherable gibberish. I’m not sure what the petitioner is expecting, but if you need a powerful sleep aid that will drop an ox, this would be it.

Then there’s the petition demanding that we “Stop destruction of our U-233 for more NASA space exploration, new cancer treatments, and thorium based energy abundance.” Ah, yes, the Free Thorium Brigade. They’ll be up to 25,000 signatures in no time.

My personal favorite is the petition that wants the White House to “Outlaw offending prophets of major religions.” I’m hip. Let’s outlaw offending prophets. I’ve got a list of prophets who offend me, where do I sign? Also can we add in preachers, pastors, priests, rabbis, mullahs, shamans, witch doctors, and Ted Nugent?

Now it would appear that the entire site is filled with secessionists and conspiracy nuts and Obama haters.

And it is.

Because, really, didn’t see that one coming, right?

However, there are some, a few, petitions that are well reasoned proposals and I think the president should consider these seriously. Such as:

Chemtrails. Oh, there's a winner. Apparently vinegar and a 99 cent spray bottle can take care of that problem. I just unfriended someone recently over that nonsense. Yes, the President used HAARP to steer Sandy into the East Coast to give him a boost in the election. Bah. If your theory begins with "there's a large conspiracy of scientists" we're going to have a problem straight off.

And John Carter wasn't half bad. Better than the Conan remake by a thousand percent.

The current reruns on gocomics.com is the series of insulting letters Calvin sends to himself via Hobbes composed with letters cut out of a magazine, in the style of ransom notes. The humor is as current, brilliant abd universal as when first published.

My new thing is Get Fuzzy. A sarcastic, sociopathic Siamese cat with one upper fang who is intensely focused on world cat domination (and the complete destruction of ferrets and monkeys) and a simple, empathetic and mellow Canadian shar-pei (Satchel Pooch).

Well now Jim, there are some very rational, important petitions that we the people would like to see addressed by the government, but they keep being pulled from the site before the required number of signatures can be obtained. Just yesterday I signed one and the Kenyan socialist's minions have removed it already. Punch Grover Norquist in the dick

Wait! What? Obama has a beer recipe?! As your unofficial Canadian reader, I can support that petition. As part of NAFTA Mr. Obama should be sharing with his big, huggy, beer-swilling neighbour to the North. Not with idiots or Nazis though.

the 14th amendment states voluntary relinquishment of citizenship. This may be accomplished either through renunciation procedures specially established by the State Department or through other actions that demonstrate desire to give up national citizenship sooo I say lets put them on an island...

Now that I've wiped away the tears of mirth and assured myself that my head did not, in fact, explode from controlling my bursts of laughter, I am going to start a petition that Stonekettle Station entries come with a hilarity warning, on a scale of 1 (May Elicit Strange Stares From Nearby Persons) to 5 (Have EMTs On Call.) This one would be rated at least a 4 (Do Not Read When Sleeping Children Are Present) as I just learned the hard way. My poor daughter, being bounced around while she tries to sleep, and my poor face, trying to contain my volume!

The Idiot Identification scheme reminds me of the very first time I ever watched Gallagher - on TV on a TAGOR (USNS Mizar) off the East Coast. His concept was a dart gun you fired at cars. The darts had flags on them that said "Stupid". If a cop saw someone with more than 5 of these on their car, they were arrested for being an idiot.

I will stipulate the larger number, as I couldn't find the routine easily and I just SWAGd the number - but back in the late 70s when I first saw him, they couldn't say Asshole on TV - so pretty sure at that time, it was "idiot" - though in person, Asshole would certainly be far more accurate.

Leo Gallagher used different words in the same routine depending on the venue. His use of language, including specific words, including profanity, were calculated and deliberate. If he used the word "idiot" for example, it was because it fit the rhythm and tempo of his delivery. The guy was genius with language. I've read most of his essays on humor and use some of his techniques myself.

It's too bad his family life disintegrated in such an ugly fashion, it basically destroyed him as an entertainer. The old adage, no good deed goes unpunished certainly applies.

I have one thought on deportation... with history repeating it self. Is it McCarthyism all over again? A deportation officer( D.O.) from the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (I.C.E.) showing up on your door step! Or letters of a meeting and everyone ushered out the back door? Oh my... that would create jobs at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp.But on a serious note am I the only one who thought this?

Shortly after the election one of my more rabid conservative relations posted a link on facebook to one of these "We the People" pages and I, out of boredom or stupidity, went to it. As Nietzsche warned, "When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you." For days now I have found myself drawn back to that page like a moth to the soft glow of a lit fart, trying to engage in reasoned conversation with people who are simply incapable of logical thought.

Me: So, if you managed to secede, what form of government would you use to insure that you never lost another election.Alternative State Seceder (ASS): One where our rights are protected.Me: Yes, but what exactly would be the form of government?ASS: Well, like states rights...no executive orders...AND NO FUCKIN LIBRALS!!!!

Me: Okay, so you would have a devolved, limited federal system that uses an ideology test for its citizens.ASS: ... ... I bet yuo lick Ovomits balls.

You simply can't argue with that. Now, as much as we would like to laugh these people away, they need watching. Though most are arm chair revolutionists, some are taking this stuff seriously and even a small, localized rebellion will present challenges. See http://smallwarsjournal.com/jrnl/art/full-spectrum-operations-in-the-homeland-a-"vision"-of-the-future.

We love this! This reminds me of an idea that I had, based on some comedian's thought to paintball or flag observed bad drivers, who would then get ticketed. We should have a public service requirement, mandatory, like selective service registration, for everyone who owns a cell phone. You must download a free app which you use to zap anyone that you observe being an idiot. Obviously, there will be some abusers, but I'm sure this can be tracked. If an individual gets tagged often enough by a certain percentage of the population, they get picked up and sentenced to school. I don't know how effective it would be, but I'd love to see a few of these people hauled off anyway.. and think of the jobs we'd create!!

I dunno -- I have a laptop that still runs Windows 98ME. Vista, though? On this computer I had to set up Vista just to be able to get to the desktop icon to select XP and delete Vista. Clever, eh? Hoping you'll stick with Vista after wasting 45 minutes watching your progress bar churn butter.

Windows ME was a huge step forward for one simple reason: The error message when you booted after shutting off without shutting down no longer made it sound like it was all your fault, even when the reason for shutting off was that the computer had frozen or bluescreened.But then, I liked Vista too, just because its handling of IPv6 was a massive improvement over XP's.And also but then, I'm generally a Linux user anyway.

Calvin & Hobbes was awesome. I think my husband was the inspiration for Calvin. (I've been accused of having an overactive imagination myself.)

The President definitely needs to keep the petition page. It is brilliant...it allows the government to attract and track the most motivated nut jobs. Plus I'm sure it's great entertainment for his staff.

Now wait just a goldarminut! The great Sen. Lindsey Graham is NOT a creepy old man. And he smells of Shirley Temples and potpourri, not bourbon. All his dollar bills are perfumed by teenaged pages. And John McCain is not creepy; old and immensely stupid perhaps. He smells of Lindsey Graham....or maybe Joe Lieberman...I get them mixed up. Tommy D

The White House released a picture of Obama and Mckayla Maroney, during the fab-five visit to the WH, "We are not impressed". As it looks they were watching the "We The People" website... http://huff.to/QkI7KW

Heh. I had to read it three times before I spotted the error, and I wouldn't have found it if you hadn't pointed it out. And I found four more typos while I was fixing this one. Thanks Doc, sorry I couldn't meet up with you guys when I was down in Michigan. Life, you know. Next time.

Sadly,just shy of 25,000 signatures,the White House has removed a petition from "We The People" calling for allowing the American public to be able to "punch Grover Norquist in the dick".'Tis a sad day for us all.

You must remember Obama plays a long, deep game of chess. This web site is not only a source of great amusement and de-stressing for his staff after a long day, but it streamlines effort for the FBI, CIA and the Mayo Clinic in determining which of these petitioners needs to be "watched" a bit more closely. Jeesh didn't even any of these brilliant conspiracy theorists even CONSIDER the risk of filing out a petition on Obama's Government run web site??!!

And, does the fact that my 8 year old have a huge compendium of Calvin & Hobbs comics make me a bad mother?

Now folks, you know that even former intel ppl can't talk about their work. Personally, as far as conspiracy theories, I think government spokespeople should be not just allowed but encouraged to come right out and say "Dude, I think you are f'ing nuts to even ask a stupid debunked conspiracy question like that." As for the military spokes-officers? Side-arms with live ammo at press conferences, weed out the low end of the gene pool, enuf said. The hard-core conspiracy nuts would *still* say that is neither a confirmation nor a denial, but the rest of us would get it. (For those of you who may think I am at all serious about this, No, but it makes a nice weekend fantasy. Especially with respect to Fox and Breitbart's crew.) *grin*

I was just considering the petition site's use as a 'pointer' towards the more potentially dangerous nuttiness, and those involved. I don't know how possible that is, though Jim might know. Not sure I really like the idea, but some of my past experiences with conspiracy nuts makes me hope so.

You know, I have a son who was a lot like Calvin and a daughter who was kinda like Suzy - it was fun watching them grow up together. Hobbes and my middle son have some resemblance to each other too so, yeah, I adored Calvin & Hobbes because really, it described my parenting years to a T... ;)

How can you praise Calvin & Hobbes and not mention Opus & Bill the Cat? I think that was a golden age of comics, the Doonesbury generation all grown up. Sorry, I gave up on the smarmy Siamese cat, but Pearls Before Swine, that's some of the good old stuff!!! Love them Gators, I think I know where they went to college too!! And Jim? Are you implying Chemtrails aren't real? How ELSE can you legitimately explain Fox News? And idiot Nazis? Well Written Mr. Jim, MTC

"So if we're in Pittsburgh, does that mean we went to Heaven, or Hell?"

The petition site is good intentions gone wrong. Here in Washington state, 'the people' can put initiatives on the ballot, and we've not only put on some stupid ones, but passed them, too. The fact that so many people are beyond (seemingly) rational discussions is a little depressing to me, actually. Fortunately, reading your blog cheers me up on that score.

Speaking of which, I love Calvin & Hobbes, always will. Have a panel from it as my Facebook cover photo. :)

In this week's "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me", Peter Sagal recounted a recent genetics study about the growth of increasing stupidity in the human population. It appears that as we evolve as a race, our increasingly more benign environment permits stupid people to survive and breed more stupid people.

Or as Sagal put it "Generation after generation, we're getting dumber, which weirdly means that as we evolve, fewer and fewer people will believe in evolution." and "In pre-history, if you were born stupid or reckless you'd get eaten, or you would starve. Now, you get to host "The Apprentice."

More people getting dumber explains how 'We the People' elect Tea Party lunatics for public office; consider FNC a legitimate news source; and believe in faith and superstition over facts, science and empirical evidence. Tommy D

"Calvin and Hobbes" was indeed the best comic ever. You are fortunate in your choice of wife and that she did not consider you a "Calvin".

And I applaud your fortitude, obviously a former employee of Daddy DIRNSA would be one of the few who could wrangle through all those petitions. Bt hey, what's with not wanting every judge to be Sylvester Stallone as Judge Dredd? What could possibly go wrong...

Interesting that Texas (and others) want out, but Puerto Rico wants in (from the referendum on November 6). It's a little more complicated than that, but basically they prefer statehood to the other alternatives. Though there is no "secession" or "being kicked out" alternative that I've heard of that is constitutional, it is interesting to contemplate the reasons for those who want out versus those who want in. (Evidently, the biggest reason is so they can vote in Presidential elections while those who want out weren't satisfied with the results when they COULD vote in those elections.)

All modern cryptography depends on our inability to factor large numbers. If you can figure out a way to do that, you can separate the message from the encryption key in any encrypted message. If that method goes public, modern banking suddenly collapses and secure military communications can be retroactively decrypted.

I don't know if the NSA has figured out how to factor large numbers, but if they haven't it's not for lack of trying. Ditto CIA, MI5, and foreign equivalents everywhere. Thankfully anyone smart enough to solve the problem is also smart enough to shut up.

Very perceptive of you Jay. Or, as we used to say in the USMC - "Good initiative. Poor judgement."

Don't wait up for the knock on the door; 4:00 AM is the optimum time to take you away. I hope you like your living space cold, damp and very brightly lit. You get used to the 95 dB crying baby soundtrack, as you slowly go deaf and mad. They might even let you keep your underwear when they strip you. But, you'll forget the concepts of modesty and humility as your hunger grows.

All that due to being a little too smart on a blog comment. Thanks Jim, got another one. - Tommy D

"Universal education is the most corroding and disintegrating poison that liberalism has ever invented for its own destruction."Adolf HitlerRead more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/adolf_hitler_2.html#c9aGz4Z0oSLkqTXQ.99

This quote and another similar one, which I cannot locate, haunt me as I look at our educational systems. Valid? Invalid?

"Universal education is the most corroding and disintegrating poison that liberalism has ever invented for its own destruction." Adolf HitlerRead more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/adolf_hitler_2.html#c9aGz4Z0oSLkqTXQ.99

This quote and another similar one, which I cannot locate, haunt me as I look at our educational systems. Valid? Invalid?

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Jim Wright is a retired US Navy Chief Warrant Officer and freelance writer. He lives in Alaska where he watches American politics in a perpetual state of amused disgust. He's been called the Tool of Satan, but he prefers to think of himself as the Devil's Designated Driver. He is the mind behind Stonekettle Station. You can email him at jim@stonekettle.com. You can follow him on Twitter @stonekettle, or you can join the boisterous bunch he hosts on Facebook at Facebook/Stonekettle. Remember to bring brownies and mind the white cat, he bites. Hard.

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