Toaster's Handbook by Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers

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"I know," said another little girl, holding her hand high in the air."It's when nobody did anything and somebody went and told aboutit."--_H.R. Bennett_.

MAUD--"That story you told about Alice isn't worth repeating."

KATE--"It's young yet; give it time."

SON--"Why do people say 'Dame Gossip'?"

FATHER--"Because they are too polite to leave off the 'e.'"

I cannot tell how the truth may be; I say the tale as 'twas said to me.

Never tell evil of a man, if you do not know it for a certainty, and ifyou do know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, "Why should I tellit?"--_Lavater_.

GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP

"Don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by thegovernment?"

"I might if I didn't know who controlled thegovernment."--_Life_.

GOVERNORS

The governor of a western state was dining with the family of aRepresentative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at tablesat the little girl of the family, aged ten. She gazed at the Governorsolemnly throughout the repast.

Finally the youngster asked, "Are you really and truly a governor?"

"Yes," replied the great man laughingly; "I really and truly am."

"I've always wanted to see a governor," continued the child, "for I'veheard Daddy speak of 'em."

"Well," rejoined the Governor, "now that you have seen one, are yousatisfied?"

"No, sir," answered the youngster, without the slightest impertinence,but with an air of great conviction, "no, sir; I'm disappointed."

GRAFT

"What is meant by graft?" said the inquiring foreigner.

"Graft," said the resident of a great city, "is a system whichultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population toapologize constantly for not having money, and the remainder to explainhow they got it."

The Democrats had a clear working majority in ----, Illinois, for anumber of years. But when the Fifteenth Amendment went into effect itenfranchised so many of the "culled bredren" as to make it apparent tothe party leaders that unless a good many black votes could be boughtup, the Republicans would carry the city election. Accordingly advanceswere made to the Rev. Brother ----, whose influence it was thoughtdesirable to secure, inasmuch as he was certain to control the votes ofhis entire church.

He was found "open to conviction," and arrangements progressedsatisfactorily until it was asked how much money would be necessary tosecure his vote and influence.

With an air of offended dignity, Brother ---- replied:

"Now, gemmen, as a regular awdained minister ob de Baptist Church disting has gone jes as far as my conscience will 'low; but, gemmen, my sonwill call round to see you in de mornin'."

A well-known New York contractor went into the tailor's, donned his newsuit, and left his old one for repairs. Then he sought a cafe andrefreshed the inner man; but as he reached in his pocket for the moneyto settle his check, he realized that he had neglected to transfer bothpurse and watch when he left his suit. As he hesitated, somewhatembarrassed, he saw a bill on the floor at his feet. Seizing itthankfully, he stepped to the cashier's desk and presented both checkand money.

"That was a two dollar bill," he explained when he counted his change.

"I know it," said the cashier, with a toss of her blond head. "I'mdividing with you. I saw it first."

GRATITUDE

After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, thethief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor,I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you knockeddown in me own parish--wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"

Some people are never satisfied. For example, the prisoner whocomplained of the literature that the prison angel gave him to read.

"Nutt'n but continued stories," he grumbled. "An I'm to be hung nextTuesday."

It was a very hot day and a picnic had been arranged by the UnitedSociety of Lady Vegetarians.

They were comfortably seated, and waiting for the kettle to boil, when,horror of horrors! a savage bull appeared on the scene.

Immediately a wild rush was made for safety, while the raging creaturepounded after one lady who, unfortunately, had a red parasol. By greatgood fortune she nipped over the stile before it could reach her. Then,regaining her breath, she turned round.

"Oh, you ungrateful creature!" she exclaimed. "Here have I been avegetarian all my life. There's gratitude for you!"

Miss PASSAY--"You have saved my life, young man. How can I repay you?How can I show my gratitude? Are you married?"

YOUNG MAN--"Yes; come and be a cook for us."

GREAT BRITAIN

One of the stories told by Mr. Spencer Leigh Hughes in his speech in theHouse of Commons one night tickled everybody. It is the story of thesmall boy who was watching the Speaker's procession as it wended its waythrough the lobby. First came the Speaker, and then the chaplain, andnext the other officers.

"Who, father, is that gentleman?" said the small boy, pointing to thechaplain.

"That, my son," said the father, "is the chaplain of the House."

"Does he pray for the members?" asked the small boy.

The father thought a minute and then said: "No, my son; when he goesinto the House he looks around and sees the members sitting there andthen he prays for the country."--_Cardiff Mail_.

There is a lad in Boston, the son of a well-known writer of history, whohas evidently profited by such observations as he may have overheard hisfather utter touching certain phases of British empire-building. At anyrate the boy showed a shrewd notion of the opinion not infrequentlyexpressed in regard to the righteousness of "British occupation." It washe who handed in the following essay on the making of a British colony:

"Africa is a British colony. I will tell you how England does it. Firstshe gets a missionary; when the missionary has found a speciallybeautiful and fertile tract of country, he gets all his people round himand says: 'Let us pray,' and when all the eyes are shut, up goes theBritish flag."

GRIEF

Jim, who worked in a garage, had just declined Mr. Smith's invitation toride in his new car.

"Here's a health to thee and thine From the hearts of me and mine; And when thee and thine Come to see me and mine, May me and mine make thee and thine As welcome as thee and thine Have ever made me and mine."

HABIT

Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a youngtimid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been many timesspanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send him to me any time when youwant him spanked," suggested the latter; "I can manage him."

One morning, about a week after this conversation, Tommy appeared at thefirst-grade teacher's door. She dropped her work, seized him by the arm,dragged him to the dressing-room, turned him over her knee and did herduty.

When she had finished she said: "Well, Tommy, what have you to say?"

"Please, Miss, my teacher wants the scissors."

In reward of faithful political service an ambitious saloon keeper wasappointed police magistrate.

"What's the charge ag'in this man?" he inquired when the first case wascalled.

"Drunk, yer honor," said the policeman.

The newly made magistrate frowned upon the trembling defendant.

"Guilty, or not guilty?" he demanded.

"Sure, sir," faltered the accused, "I never drink a drop."

"Have a cigar, then," urged his honor persuasively, as he absentlypolished the top of the judicial desk with his pocket handkerchief.

"We had a fine sunrise this morning," said one New Yorker to another."Did you see it?"

"Sunrise?" said the second man. "Why, I'm always in bed before sunrise."

A traveling man who was a cigarette smoker reached town on an earlytrain. He wanted a smoke, but none of the stores were open. Near thestation he saw a newsboy smoking, and approached him with:

"Say, son, got another cigarette?"

"No, sir," said the boy, "but I've got the makings."

"All right," the traveling man said. "But I can't roll 'em very well.Will you fix one for me?"

The boy did.

"Don't believe I've got a match," said the man, after a search throughhis pockets.

The boy handed him a match. "Say, Captain," he said "you ain't gotanything but the habit, have you?"

Habit with him was all the test of truth; "It must be right: I've done it from my youth."

--_Crabbe_.

HADES

_See_ Future life.

HAPPINESS

Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international schoolquestion:

"The subject of the American versus the English school has been too muchdiscussed. The good got from a school depends, after all, on theschoolboy chiefly, and I'm afraid the average schoolboy is wellreflected in that classic schoolboy letter home which said:

"'Dear parents--We are having a good time now at school. George Jones broke his leg coasting and is in bed. We went skating and the ice broke and all got wet. Willie Brown was drowned. Most of the boys here are down with influenza. The gardener fell into our cave and broke his rib, but he can work a little. The aviator man at the race course kicked us because we threw sand in his motor, and we are all black and blue. I broke my front tooth playing football. We are very happy.'"

Mankind are always happier for having been happy; so that if you makethem happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the memory ofit.--_Sydney Smith_.

HARNESSING

The story is told of two Trenton men who hired a horse and trap for alittle outing not long ago. Upon reaching their destination, the horsewas unharnessed and permitted peacefully to graze while the men fishedfor an hour or two.

When they were ready to go home, a difficulty at once presented itself,inasmuch as neither of the Trentonians knew how to reharness the horse.Every effort in this direction met with dire failure, and the worstproblem was properly to adjust the bit. The horse himself seemed toresent the idea of going into harness again.

Finally one of the friends, in great disgust, sat down in the road."There's only one thing we can do, Bill," said he.

"What's that?" asked Bill.

"Wait for the foolish beast to yawn!"

HARVARD UNIVERSITY

"Well, I'll tell you this," said the college man, "Wellesley is a matchfactory."

"That's quite true," assented the girl. "At Wellesley we make the heads,but we get the sticks from Harvard."--_C. Stratton_.

HASH

"George," said the Titian-haired school marm, "is there any connectinglink between the animal kingdom and the vegetable kingdom?"

"Yeth, ma'am," answered George promptly. "Hash."

HASTE

The ferry-dock was crowded with weary home-goers when through the crowdrushed a man--hot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles of everyshape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his eyes fixed on a ferryboatonly two or three feet out from the pier. He paused but an instant onthe string-piece, and then, cheered on by the amused crowd, he made aflying leap across the intervening stretch of water and landed safely onthe deck. A fat man happened to be standing on the exact spot on whichhe struck, and they both went down with a resounding crash. When thearriving man had somewhat recovered his breath he apologized to the fatman. "I hope I didn't hurt you," he said. "I am sorry. But, anyway Icaught the boat!"

"But you idiot," said the fat man, "the boat was coming in!"

HEALTH RESORTS

"Where've you been, Murray?"

"To a health resort. Finest place I ever struck. It was simply great."

"Then why did you come away?"

"Oh, I got sick and had to come home."

"Are you going back?"

"You bet. Just as soon as I get well enough."

HEARING

The Ladies' Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they hadoverheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife.

"They must have been to the Zoo," said Mrs. A., "because I heard hermention 'a trained deer.'"

"Goodness me!" laughed Mrs. B. "What queer hearing you must have! Theywere talking about going away, and she said, 'Find out about the train,dear.'"

"Well did anybody ever?" exclaimed Mrs. C. "I am sure they were talkingabout musicians, for she said 'a trained ear,' as distinctly as couldbe."

The discussion began to warm up, and in the midst of it the lady herselfappeared. They carried their case to her promptly, and asked for asettlement.

"Well, well, you do beat all!" she exclaimed, after hearing each one."I'd been out to the country overnight, and was asking my husband if itrained here last night."

After which the three disputants retired, abashed and in silence.--_W.J.Lampton_.

HEAVEN

"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, "don't youmake that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas."

"Well, what if I do? It won't hurt."

"Yes, 't will too. If it spouts out, we'll be blown clear up to heaven."

"Shucks, that would be fun! You an' me would be the only live ones upthere."--_I.C. Curtis_.

_See also_ Future life.

HEIRLOOMS

HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)--"Are both your ringsheirlooms?"

SHE (concealing the hand)--"Oh, dear, yes. One has been in the familysince the time of Alfred, but the other is newer"--(blushing)--"it onlydates from the conquest."

"My grandfather was a captain of industry."

"Well?"

"He left no sword, but we still treasure the stubs of his check-books."

HELL

_See_ Future life.

HEREDITY

"Papa, what does hereditary mean?"

"Something which descends from father to son."

"Is a spanking hereditary?"

William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top trousers,silk hosiery, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie that spoke for itself. Heentered the library where his father was reading. The old gentlemanlooked up and surveyed his son. The longer he looked, the more disgustedhe became.

"Son," he finally blurted out, "you look like a d--- fool!"

Later, the old Major who lived next door came in and greeted the boyheartily. "William," he said with undisguised admiration, "you lookexactly like your father did twenty-five years ago when he came backfrom school!"

"Yes," replied William, with a smile, "so Father was just telling me."

"There seems to be a strange affinity between a darky and a chicken. Iwonder why?" said Jones.

"Naturally enough," replied Brown. "One is descended from Ham and theother from eggs."

"So you have adopted a baby to raise?" we ask of our friend. "Well, itmay turn out all right, but don't you think you are taking chances?"

"Not a chance," he answers. "No matter how many bad habits the child maydevelop, my wife can't say he inherits any of them from my side of thehouse."

_See also_ Ancestry.

HEROES

THE PASSER-BY--"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deservea Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?"

THE HERO--"He had my skates on!"--_Puck_.

MR. HENPECK--"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of impudence?"

MR. SCRAPER--"I reckon I am."

MR. HENPECK--"Shake! You're a hero."

Each man is a hero and an oracle to somebody.--_Emerson_.HIGH COST OFLIVING

_See_ Cost of living.

HINTING

Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread andbutter, and politely said, "Thank you."

"Well," rejoined James, "If you want to hear me say it again, you mightput some jam on it."

HOME

Home is a place where you can take off your new shoes and put on yourold manners.

Who hath not met with home-made bread, A heavy compound of putty and lead-- And home-made wines that rack the head, And home-made liquors and waters? Home-made pop that will not foam, And home-made dishes that drive one from home-- * * * * * * Home-made by the homely daughters.

--_Hood_.

HOMELINESS

_See_ Beauty, Personal.

HOMESTEADS

"Malachi," said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, "you know allabout this law. Tell me what I am to do."

"Well," said the other, "I don't remember the exact wording of the law,but I can give you the meaning of it. It's this: The government iswillin' to bet you one hundred and sixty acres of land against fourteendollars that you can't live on it five years without starving todeath."--_Fenimore Martin_.

HONESTY

"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an approvingsmile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill."

VISITOR--"And you always did your daring robberies single-handed? Whydidn't you have a pal?"

PRISONER--"Well, sir, I wuz afraid he might turn out to be dishonest."

Ex-District Attorney Jerome, at a dinner in New York, told a story abouthonesty. "There was a man," he said, "who applied for a position in adry-goods house. His appearance wasn't prepossessing, and referenceswere demanded. After some hesitation, he gave the name of a driver inthe firm's employ. This driver, he thought, would vouch for him. A clerksought out the driver, and asked him if the applicant was honest.'Honest?' the driver said. 'Why, his honesty's been proved again andagain. To my certain knowledge he's been arrested nine times forstealing and every time he was acquitted.'"

"How is it, Mr. Brown," said a miller to a farmer, "that when I came tomeasure those ten barrels of apples I bought from you, I found themnearly two barrels short?"

"Singular, very singular; for I sent them to you in ten of your ownflour-barrels."

"Ahem! Did, eh?" said the miller. "Well, perhaps I made a mistake. Let'simbibe."

The stranger laid down four aces and scooped in the pot.

"This game ain't on the level," protested Sagebush Sam, at the same timeproducing a gun to lend force to his accusation. "That ain't the hand Idealt ye!"

A dumpy little woman with solemn eyes, holding by the hand two dumpylittle boys, came to the box-office of a theater. Handing in a quarter,she asked meekly for the best seat she could get for that money.

"Those boys must have tickets if you take them in," said the clerk.

"Oh, no, mister," she said. "I never pay for them. I never can sparemore than a quarter, and I just love a show. We won't cheat you any,mister, for they both go sound asleep just as soon as they get into aseat, and don't see a single bit of it."

The argument convinced the ticket man, and he allowed the two childrento pass in.

Toward the end of the second act an usher came out of the auditorium andhanded a twenty-five-cent piece to the ticket-seller.

"What's this?" demanded the latter.

"I don't know," said the usher. "A little chunk of a woman beckoned meclear across the house, and said one of her kids had waked up and waslooking at the show, and that I should bring you that quarter."

HONOR

In the smoking compartment of a Pullman, there were six men smoking andreading. All of a sudden a door banged and the conductor's voice cried:

"All tickets, please!"

Then one of the men in the compartment leaped to his feet, scanned thefaces of the others and said, slowly and impressively:

"Gentlemen, I trust to your honor."

And he dived under the seat and remained there in a small, silent knottill the conductor was safely gone.

Titles of honour add not to his worth, Who is himself an honour to his titles.

--_John Ford_.

HOPE

FRED--"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your lover'sdeath. Remember that other and better men than he have gone the sameway."

BEREAVED ONE--"They haven't all gone, have they?"--_Puck_.

HORSES

A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with twodilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency than afive-dollar bill. This he proffered to the driver. The latter took it,looked it over for a moment or so, and then asked:

"Which horse do you want?"

A traveler in Indiana noticed that a farmer was having trouble with hishorse. It would start, go slowly for a short distance, and then stopagain. Thereupon the farmer would have great difficulty in getting itstarted. Finally the traveler approached and asked, solicitously:

"Is your horse sick?"

"Not as I knows of."

"Is he balky?"

"No. But he is so danged 'fraid I'll say whoa and he won't hear me, thathe stops every once in a while to listen."

A German farmer was in search of a horse.

"I've got just the horse for you," said the liveryman. "He's five yearsold, sound as a dollar and goes ten miles without stopping."

The German threw his hands skyward.

"Not for me," he said, "not for me. I live eight miles from town, undmit dot horse I haf to valk back two miles."

There's a grocer who is notorious for his wretched horse flesh.

The grocer's boy is rather a reckless driver. He drove one of hismaster's worst nags a little too hard one day, and the animal fell illand died.

"You've killed my horse, curse you!" the grocer said to the boy the nextmorning.

"I'm sorry, boss," the lad faltered.

"Sorry be durned!" shouted the grocer. "Who's going to pay me for myhorse?"

"I'll make it all right, boss," said the boy soothingly. "You can takeit out of my next Saturday's wages."

Before Abraham Lincoln became President he was called out of town onimportant law business. As he had a long distance to travel he hired ahorse from a livery stable. When a few days later he returned he tookthe horse back to the stable and asked the man who had given it to him:"Keep this horse for funerals?"

"No, indeed," answered the man indignantly.

"Glad to hear it," said Lincoln; "because if you did the corpse wouldn'tget there in time for the resurrection."

HOSPITALITY

Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler dismountedfrom his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struckin a five-mile stretch of traveling. No one came to the door.

As he stood on the doorstep the water from the eaves trickled down hiscollar. He rapped again. Still no answer. He could feel the stream ofwater coursing down his back. Another spell of pounding, and finally thered head of a lad of twelve was stuck out of the second story window.

"Watcher want?" it asked.

"I want to know if I can stay here over night," the traveler answeredtestily.

The red-headed lad watched the man for a minute or two before answering.

"Ye kin fer all of me," he finally answered, and then closed the window.

The old friends had had three days together.

"You have a pretty place here, John," remarked the guest on the morningof his departure. "But it looks a bit bare yet."

"Oh, that's because the trees are so young," answered the hostcomfortably. "I hope they'll have grown to a good size before you comeagain."

A youngster of three was enjoying a story his mother was reading aloudto him when a caller came. In a few minutes his mother was called to thetelephone. The boy turned to the caller and said "Now you beat ithome." Ollie James, the famous Kentucky Congressman and raconteur, hailsfrom a little town in the western part of the state, but his patriotismis state-wide, and when Louisville made a bid for the last Democraticnational convention she had no more enthusiastic supporter than James. ADenver supporter was protesting.

"Why, you know, Colonel," said he, "Louisville couldn't take care of thecrowds. Even by putting cots in the halls, parlors, and the dining-roomsof the hotels there wouldn't be beds enough."

"Beds!" echoed the genial Congressman, "why, sir, Louisville would makeher visitors have such a thundering good time that no gentleman wouldthink of going to bed!"

HOSTS

I thank you for your welcome which was cordial, And your cordial which was welcome.

Here's to the host and the hostess, We're honored to be here tonight; May they both live long and prosper, May their star of hope ever be bright.

HOTELS

In a Montana hotel there is a notice which reads: "Boarders taken by theday, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will be taken by theneck."--_Country Life_.

HUNGER

A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia. His sleigh waspursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a dozen famishedwolves. He arose and shot the foremost one, and the others stopped todevour it. But they soon caught up with him, and he shot another, whichwas in turn devoured. This was repeated until the last famished wolf wasalmost upon him with yearning jaws, when--

"Say, partner," broke in one of the listeners, "according to yourreckoning that last famished wolf must have had the other 'leven insideof him."

"Well, come to think it over," said the story teller, "maybe he wasn'tso darned famished after all."

HUNTING

A gentleman from London was invited to go for "a day's snipe-shooting"in the country. The invitation was accepted, and host and guestshouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of game.

After a time a solitary snipe rose, and promptly fell to the visitor'sfirst barrell.

The host's face fell also.

"We may as well return," he remarked, gloomily, "for that was the onlysnipe in the neighborhood."

The bird had afforded excellent sport to all his friends for six weeks.

HURRY

See Haste.

HUSBANDS

"Is she making him a good wife?"

"Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband."

A husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial town, butunfortunately they quarreled, and the exhibits were equally dividedbetween them. The wife decided to continue business as an exhibitor atthe old address, but the husband went on a tour.

After some years' wandering the prodigal returned, and a reconciliationtook place, as the result of which they became business partners oncemore. A few mornings afterward the people of the neighborhood were sentinto fits of laughter on reading the following notice in the papers:

"By the return of my husband my stock of freaks has been permanentlyincreased."

An eminent German scientist who recently visited this country with anumber of his colleagues was dining at an American house and telling howmuch he had enjoyed various phases of his visit.

"How did you like our railroad trains?" his host asked him.

"Ach, dhey are woonderful," the German gentleman replied; "so swift, sosafe chenerally--und such luxury in all dhe furnishings undopp'indmends. All is excellent excebt one thing--our wives do not likedhe upper berths."

A couple of old grouches at the Metropolitan Club in Washington were onenight speaking of an old friend who, upon his marriage, took up hisresidence in another city. One of the grouches had recently visited theold friend, and, naturally, the other grouch wanted news of theBenedict.

"Is it true that he is henpecked?" asked the second grouch.

"I wouldn't say just that," grimly responded the first grouch, "but I'lltell you of a little incident in their household that came within myobservation. The very first morning I spent with them, our old friendanswered the letter carrier's whistle. As he returned to us, in thebreakfast room, he carried a letter in his hand. Turning to his wife, hesaid:

"'A letter for me, dear. May I open it?'"--_Edwin Tarrisse_.

"Your husband says he leads a dog's life," said one woman.

"Yes, it's very similar," answered the other. "He comes in with muddyfeet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."

"You say you are your wife's third husband?" said one man to anotherduring a talk.

"No, I am her fourth husband," was the reply.

"Heavens, man!" said the first man; "you are not a husband--you're ahabit."

MR. HENPECK--"Is my wife going out, Jane?"

JANE--"Yessir."

MR. HENPECK--"Do you know if I am going with her?"

A happily married woman, who had enjoyed thirty-three years of wedlock,and who was the grandmother of four beautiful little children, had anamusing old colored woman for a cook.

One day when a box of especially beautiful flowers was left for themistress, the cook happened to be present, and she said: "Yo' husbandsend you all the pretty flowers you gits, Missy?"

"Certainly, my husband, Mammy," proudly answered the lady.

"Glory!" exclaimed the cook, "he suttenly am holdin' out well."

An absent-minded man was interrupted as he was finishing a letter to hiswife, in the office. As a result, the signature read:

Your loving husband,

HOPKINS BROS.

_Winifred C. Bristol_.

Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she hadhelped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married again.

"How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months after hermarriage.

"Fine, thank yo', ma'am," the bride answered.

"And is your husband a good provider?"

"'Deed he am a good providah, ma'am," was the enthusiastic reply. "Why,jes' dis las' week he got me five new places to wash at."

"I suffer so from insomnia I don't know what to do."

"Oh, my dear, if you could only talk to my husband awhile."

"Did Hardlucke bear his misfortune like a man?"

"Exactly like one. He blamed it all on his wife."--_Judge_.

A popular society woman announced a "White Elephant Party." Every guestwas to bring something that she could not find any use for, and yet toogood to throw away. The party would have been a great success but forthe unlooked-for development which broke it up. Eleven of the nineteenwomen brought their husbands.

A very man--not one of nature's clods-- With human failings, whether saint or sinner: Endowed perhaps with genius from the gods But apt to take his temper from his dinner.

--_J. G. Saxe_.

A woman mounted the steps of the elevated station carrying an umbrellalike a reversed saber. An attendant warned her that she might put outthe eye of the man behind her.

"Well, he's my husband!" she snapped.

OLD MONEY (dying)--"I'm afraid I've been a brute to you sometimes,dear."

YOUNG WIFE--"Oh, never mind that darling; I'll always remember how verykind you were when you left me."

An inveterate poker player, whose wife always complained of his latehours, stayed out even later than usual one night and tells in thefollowing way of his attempt to get in unnoticed:

"I slipped off my shoes at the front steps, pulled off my clothes in thehall, slipped into the bedroom, and began to slip into bed with the easeof experience.

"My wife has a blamed fine dog that on cold nights insists on jumping inthe bed with us. So when I began to slide under the covers she stirredin her sleep and pushed me on the head.

"'Get down, Fido, get down!' she said.

"And, gentlemen, I just did have presence of mind enough to lick herhand, and she dozed off again!"

MR. HOMEBODY--"I see you keep copies ofall the letters you write to your wife. Do you do it to avoid repeatingyourself?"

MR. FARAWAY--"No. To avoid contradicting myself."

There is gladness in his gladness, when he's glad, There is sadness in his sadness, when he's sad; But the gladness in his gladness, Nor the sadness in his sadness, Isn't a marker to his madness when he's mad.

_See also_ Cowards; Domestic finance.

HYBRIDIZATION

We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the ConnecticutYankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber poles. Nowwe rank that gentleman second. First place goes to an experimenterattached to the Berlin War Office, who has crossed carrier pigeons withparrots, so that Wilhelmstrasse can now get verbal messages through theenemy's lines.--_Warwick James Price_.

HYPERBOLE

"Speakin' of fertile soil," said the Kansan, when the others had hadtheir say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they used toout in my part of the country. The first season I planted 'em I thoughtmy fortune was sure made. However, I didn't harvest one."

He waited for queries, but his friends knew him, and he was forced tocontinue unurged:

"The vines growed so fast that they wore out the melons draggin' 'em'round. However, the second year my two little boys made up their mindsto get a taste of one anyhow, so they took turns, carryin' one alongwith the vine and--"

But his companions had already started toward the barroom door.

News comes from Southern Kansas that a boy climbed a cornstalk to seehow the sky and clouds looked and now the stalk is growing faster thanthe boy can climb down. The boy is clear out of sight. Three men havetaken the contract for cutting down the stalk with axes to save the boya horrible death by starving, but the stalk grows so rapidly that theycan't hit twice in the same place. The boy is living on green corn aloneand has already thrown down over four bushels of cobs. Even if the cornholds out there is still danger that the boy will reach a height wherehe will be frozen to death. There is some talk of attempting his rescuewith a balloon.--_Topeka Capital_.

HYPOCRISY

Hypocrisy is all right if we can pass it off as politeness.

TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?"

TOMMY-"A boy that comes to school with a smile on his face."--_GrahamCharteris_.

IDEALS

The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs troubledlittle Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration. Johnny'sfather, upon going to the fowl-run one morning, was surprised at seeingan ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, with this injunction chalkedabove it:

"Keep your eye on this and do your best."

ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS

A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on theback, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can run along andwrite your folks that you'll be back home in two weeks as good as new."

The patient went off gayly to write his letter. He had it finished andsealed, but when he was licking the stamp it slipped through his fingersto the floor, lighted on the back of a cockroach that was passing, andstuck. The patient hadn't seen the cockroach--what he did see was hisescaped postage stamp zig-zagging aimlessly across the floor to thebaseboard, wavering up over the baseboard, and following a crooked trackup the wall and across the ceiling. In depressed silence he tore up theletter he had just written and dropped the pieces on the floor.

"Two weeks! Hell!" he said. "I won't be out of here in three years."

IMAGINATION

One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy abouttheir respective ages.

He floundered helplessly for a moment and then, having a brilliantthought, blurted out, happily:

"I've--I've read Romeo!"

INSTALMENT PLAN

Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is payinginstalments on.

INSTRUCTIONS

A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car inthe Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered upthe steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for a moment, and then turnedto the young man in uniform.

"Porter," he said. "I'm going to St. Louis, to the Fair. I want to bewell taken care of. I pay for it. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir, but--"

"Never mind any 'buts.' You listen to what I say. Keep the train boysaway from me. Dust me off whenever I want you to. Give me an extrablanket, and if there is any one in the berth over me slide him intoanother. I want you to--"

"But, say, boss, I--"

"Young man, when I'm giving instructions I prefer to do the talkingmyself. You do as I say. Here is a two-dollar bill. I want to get thegood of it. Not a word, sir."

The train was starting. The porter pocketed the bill with a grin andswung himself to the ground. "All right, boss!" he shouted. "You can dothe talking if you want to. I'm powerful sorry you wouldn't let me tellyou--but I ain't going out on that train."

INSURANCE, LIFE

A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the otherday.

"Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked.

"No," said the man.

"Do you motor?"

"No."

"Do you, then, perhaps, fly?"

"No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I have no dangerous--"

But the agent interrupted him curtly.

"Sorry, sir," he said, "but we no longer insure pedestrians."

INSURANCE BLANKS

_See_ Irish bulls.

INSURGENTS

"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you callthat kind of cucumber?"

"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to themarriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am quitesure that all persons similarly favored were left in little doubt as tothe attitude of the couple. The invitation ran as follows:

"You are invited to the marriage of Mr. Henry Clay Barker and MissJosephine Mortimer Dixon at the house of the bride's mother. All whocannot come may send."--_Howard Morse_.

MARION (just from the telephone)--"He wanted toknow if we would go to the theater with him, and I said we would."

MADELINE--"Who was speaking?"

MARION--"Oh, gracious! I forgot to ask."

Little Willie wanted a birthday party, to which his mother consented,provided he ask his little friend Tommy. The boys had had trouble, but,rather than not have the party, Willie promised his mother to inviteTommy.

On the evening of the party, when all the small guests had arrivedexcept Tommy, the mother became suspicious and sought her son.

"Willie," she said, "did you invite Tommy to your party tonight?"

"Yes, Mother."

"And did he say he would not come?"

"No," explained Willie. "I invited him all right, but I dared him tocome."

IRISH BULLS

Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marchingtactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion,asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!" "Why," said Mike, "when hesays 'Halt,' you just bring the foot that's on the ground to the side avthe foot that's in the air, an' remain motionless."

"Dear teacher," wrote little Johnny's mother, "kindly excuse John'sabsence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the mud. By doingthe same you will greatly oblige his mother."

An Irishman once was mounted on a mule which was kicking its legs ratherfreely. The mule finally got its hoof caught in the stirrup, when theIrishman excitedly remarked: "Well, begorra, if you're goin' to git onI'll git off."

A servant of an English nobleman died and her relatives telegraphed him:"Jane died last night, and wishes to know if your lordship will pay herfuneral expenses."

A pretty school teacher, noticing one of her little charges idle, saidsharply: "John, the devil always finds something for idle hands to do.Come up here and let me give you some work."

A college professor, noted for strict discipline, entered the classroomone day and noticed a girl student sitting with her feet in the aisleand chewing gum.

"Mary," exclaimed the indignant professor, "take that gum out of yourmouth and put your feet in."

MAGISTRATE--"You admit you stole the pig?"

PRISONER--"I 'ave to."

MAGISTRATE--"Very well, then. There has been a lot of pig-stealing goingon lately, and I am going to make an example of you, or none of us willbe safe."--_M.L. Hayward_.

"In choosing his men," said the Sabbath-school superintendent, "Gideondid not select those who laid aside their arms and threw themselves downto drink; but he took those who watched with one eye and drank with theother."--_Joe King_.

"If you want to put that song over you must sing louder."

"I'm singing as loud as I can. What more can I do?"

"Be more enthusiastic. Open your mouth, and throw yourself into it."

A little old Irishman was trying to see the Hudson-Fulton processionfrom Grant's Tomb. He stood up on a bench, but was jerked down by apoliceman. Then he tried the stone balustrade and being removed fromthat vantage point, climbed the railing of Li Hung Chang's gingko-tree.Pulled off that, he remarked: "Ye can't look at annything frum where yecan see it frum."

MRS. JENKINS--"Mrs. Smith, we shall be neighbors now. I have bought ahouse next you, with a water frontage."

MRS. SMITH--"So glad! I hope you will drop in some time."

In the hall of a Philharmonic society the following notice was posted:

"The seats in this hall are for the use of the ladies. Gentlemen arerequested to make use of them only after the former are seated."

Sir Boyle Roche is credited with saying that "no man can be in twoplaces at the same time, barring he is a bird."

A certain high-school professor, who at times is rather blunt in speech,remarked to his class of boys at the beginning of a lesson. "I don'tknow why it is--every time I get up to speak, some fool talks." Then hewondered why the boys burst out into a roar of laughter.--_Grub S.Arts_.

Once, at a criminal court, a young chap from Connemara was being triedfor an agrarian murder. Needless to say, he had the gallery on his side,and the men and women began to express their admiration by stamping, notloudly, but like muffled drums. A big policeman came up to the gallery,scowled at the disturbers then, when that had no effect, called out in astage whisper:

"Wud ye howld yer tongues there! Howld yer tongues wid yer feet!"

The ways in which application forms for insurance are filled up areoften more amusing than enlightening, as The British Medical Journalshows in the following excellent selection of examples:

Mother died in infancy.

Father went to bed feeling well, and the next morning woke up dead.

Grandmother died suddenly at the age of 103. Up to this time she badefair to reach a ripe old age.

Applicant does not know anything about maternal posterity, except thatthey died at an advanced age.

Applicant does not know cause of mother's death, but states that shefully recovered from her last illness.

Applicant has never been fatally sick.

Applicant's brother who was an infant died when he was a mere child.

Mother's last illness was caused from chronic rheumatism, but she wascured before death.

IRISHMEN

A Peoria merchant deals in "Irish confetti." We take it that he runs abrick-yard.--_Chicago Tribune_.

Here are some words, concerning the Hibernian spoken by a New Englandpreacher, Nathaniel Ward, in the sober year of sixteen hundred--a sparkof humor struck from flint. "These Irish, anciently called'Anthropophagi,' man-eaters, have a tradition among them that when thedevil showed Our Savior all the kingdoms of the earth and their glory,he would not show Him Ireland, but reserved it for himself; it isprobably true, for he hath kept it ever since for his own peculiar."

An Irishman once lined up his family of seven giant-like sons andinvited his caller to take a look at them.

"Ain't they fine boys?" inquired the father.

"They are," agreed the visitor.

"The finest in the world!" exclaimed the father. "An' I nivver laidviolent hands on any one of 'em except in silf-difince."--_PopularMagazine_.

_See also_ Fighting; Irish bulls.

IRREVERENCE

There were three young women of Birmingham, And I know a sad story concerning 'em: They stuck needles and pins In the reverend shins Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.

--_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.

A few years ago Henry James reviewed a new novel by Gertrude Atherton.After reading the review Mrs. Atherton wrote to Mr. James as follows:

"Dear Mr. James: I have read with much pleasure your review of my novel. Will you kindly let me know whether you liked it or not?"

Sincerely,

"GERTRUDE ATHERTON."

JEWELS

The girl with the ruby lips we like, The lass with teeth of pearl, The maid with the eyes like diamonds, The cheek-like-coral girl; The girl with the alabaster brow, The lass from the Emerald Isle. All these we like, but not the jade With the sardonyx smile.

JEWS

What is the difference between a banana and a Jew? You can skin thebanana.

He was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite evidentlya Yankee, and from behind his bowed spectacles he peered inquisitivelyat the little oily Jew who occupied the other half of the car seat withhim.

The little Jew looked at him deprecatingly. "Nice day," he beganpolitely.

"You're a Jew, ain't you?" queried the Yankee.

"Yes, sir, I'm a clothing salesman," handing him a card.

"But you're a Jew?"

"Yes, yes, I'm a Jew," came the answer.

"Well," continued the Yankee, "I'm a Yankee, and in the little villagein Maine where I come from I'm proud to say there ain't a Jew."

"Dot's why it's a village," replied the little Jew quietly.

The men were arguing as to who was the greatest inventor. One saidStephenson, who invented the locomotive. Another declared it was the manwho invented the compass. Another contended for Edison. Still anotherfor the Wrights,

Finally one of them turned to a little man who had remained silent:

"Who do you think?"

"Vell," he said, with a hopeful smile, "the man who invented interestwas no slouch."

Levinsky, despairing of his life, made an appointment with a famousspecialist. He was surprised to find fifteen or twenty people in thewaiting-room.

After a few minutes he leaned over to a gentleman near him andwhispered, "Say, mine frient, this must be a pretty goot doctor, ain'the?"

"One of the best," the gentleman told him.

Levinsky seemed to be worrying over something.

"Vell, say," he whispered again, "he must be pretty exbensive, then,ain't he? Vat does he charge?"

The stranger was annoyed by Levinsky's questions and answered rathershortly: "Fifty dollars for the first consultation and twenty-fivedollars for each visit thereafter."

"Mine Gott!" gasped Levinsky--"Fifty tollars the first time undtwenty-five tollars each time afterwards!"

For several minutes he seemed undecided whether to go or to wait. "Undtwenty-five tollars each time afterwards," he kept muttering. Finally,just as he was called into the office, he was seized with a brilliantinspiration. He rushed toward the doctor with outstretched hands.

"Hello, doctor," he said effusively. "Vell, here I am _again_."

The Jews are among the aristocracy of every land; if a literature iscalled rich in the possession of a few classic tragedies what shall wesay to a national tragedy lasting for fifteen hundred years, in whichthe poets and the actors were also the heroes.--_George Eliot_.

_See also_ Failures; Fires.

JOKES

A nut and a joke are alike in that they can both be cracked, anddifferent in that the joke can be cracked again.--_William J.Burtscher_.

JOKELY--"I got a batch of aeroplane jokes ready and sent them out lastweek."

A negro bricklayer in Macon, Georgia, was lying down during the noonhour, sleeping in the hot sun. The clock struck one, the time to pick uphis hod again. He rose, stretched, and grumbled: "I wish I wuz daid.'Tain' nothin' but wuk, wuk from mawnin' tell night."

Another negro, a story above, heard the complaint and dropped a brick onthe grumbler's head.

Dazed he looked up and said:

"De Lawd can' stan' no jokes. He jes' takes ev'ything in yearnist."

The late H.C. Bunner, when editor of _Puck_, once received a letteraccompanying a number of would-be jokes in which the writer asked: "Whatwill you give me for these?"

SALESMAN (of Statesmen's Anecdote Manufacturing Company)--"I shall bedelighted if you'll place an order for a dozen of real, live, snappy,humorous anecdotes as told by yourself, sir."

Jokes were first imported to this country several hundred years ago fromEgypt, Babylon and Assyria, and have since then grown and multiplied.They are in extensive use in all parts of the country and as an antidotefor thought are indispensable at all dinner parties.

There were originally twenty-five jokes, but when this country wasformed they added a constitution, which increased the number totwenty-six. These jokes have married and inter-married among themselvesand their children travel from press to press.

Frequently in one week a joke will travel from New York to SanFrancisco.

The joke is no respecter of persons. Shameless and unconcerned, he tellsthe story of his life over and over again. Outside of the ballot-box heis the greatest repeater that we have.

Jokes are of three kinds--plain, illustrated and pointless. Frequentlythey are all three.

No joke is without honor, except in its own country. Jokes form one ofour staples and employ an army of workers who toil night and day to turnout the often neatly finished product. The importation of jokes whileconsiderable is not as great as it might be, as the flavor is lost intransit.

Jokes are used in the household as an antiseptic. As scenebreakers theyhave no equal.--_Life_.

Here's to the joke, the good old joke, The joke that our fathers told; It is ready tonight and is jolly and bright As it was in the days of old.

When Adam was young it was on his tongue, And Noah got in the swim By telling the jest as the brightest and best That ever happened to him.

So here's to the joke, the good old joke-- We'll hear it again tonight. It's health we will quaff; that will help us to laugh, And to treat it in manner polite.

--_Lew Dockstader_.

A jest's prosperity lies in the ear Of him that hears it, never in the tongue Of him that makes it.

--_Shakespeare_.

JOURNALISM

A Louisville journalist was excessively proud of his little boy. Turningto the old black nurse, "Aunty," said he, stroking the little pate,"this boy seems to have a journalistic head." "Oh," cried the untutoredold aunty, soothingly, "never you mind 'bout dat; dat'll come right intime."

John R. McLean, owner of the Cincinnati _Enquirer_ and the Washington_Post_, tells this story of the days when he was actively in charge ofthe Cincinnati newspaper: An _Enquirer_ reporter was sent to a town insouthwestern Ohio to get the story of a woman evangelist who had beengreatly talked about. The reporter attended one of her meetings andoccupied a front seat. When those who wished to be saved were asked toarise, he kept his seat and used his notebook. The evangelistapproached, and, taking him by the hand, said, "Come to Jesus."

"Well, may be not," said the reporter; "but you don't know John R.McLean."

A newspaper man named Fling Could make "copy" from any old thing. But the copy he wrote Of a five dollar note Was so good he is now in Sing Sing.

--_Columbia Jester_.

"Come in," called the magazine editor.

"Sir, I have called to see about that article of mine that you boughttwo years ago. My name is Pensnink--Percival Perrhyn Pensnink. Mycomposition was called 'The Behavior of Chipmunks in Thunderstorms,' andI should like to know how much longer I must watch and wait before Ishall see it in print."

"I remember," the editor replied. "We are saving your little essay touse at the time of your death. When public attention is drawn to anauthor we like to have something of his on hand."