Friday, 14 April 2017

deja vu

We struck matches and lit fires in each others bellies and mistook it for love,
not knowing it was eating us alive, consuming us,
forgetting that fire needs fuel and oxygen. And it took both from us and then we fell apart like used matchsticks

The last time I wrote about you, I swore it would be the last time.

six years down the road, a drug overdose and a wild night intoxicated with insomnia has you on my mind and how I can't unlove your poison out of me

I hear you're into marijuana now
smoke filling your brains
instead of a college education
alcohol has tasted the blood in your veins
The last time you called was never.

I heard your survive on a diet of cigarettes and apathy
that you've lost a lot of weight now though you
haven't gained any self esteem
And the men are still hopelessly in love with the illusion of you
But you, you have fallen out of love with
yourself

the last time I wrote about you, I thought the inertia I've chained myself in would break
The last time I wrote about you I thought I was writing you out of my life,
I'm filling the void you left with God,
I'm filling the void you left with unwatched seasons of TV shows,
I'm filling the void you left with all the lives I haven't lived and all the places I've never been,
I'm tasting honey when it reminds me of your hair before I remind myself to forget that the last time you called was a thousand days ago but I haven't forgotten the sound of your voice or wondered when you'd need me next ,
what unlikely crises I daydream may infiltrate your days enough to make me worthy of a text back,
but I'm back to filling the void you left with other people whose names taste different in my mouth but I'm teaching my tongue to curve around them and forget the familiarity of yours,
the last time you called, I realised your memory is a curse on me I am trying to get the heavens to revoke,
the last time you called I realised I cannot fill the void you left with other people and places because when I'm awake I've mastered the art of forgetting your face but it digs its way out of the grave in my heart when I'm asleep and sneaks into my dreams,
I wake up and the only word in my mouth is your name.