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I need to become a man

How to add to the deteriorating scale of these here forums.

I need to become a man. It is my goal in life. I need to become the manliest man out of all men. I don't know how I'll achieve that however. If this forum is spiralling into a status of dead beyond revival, how am I to become a man? You cannot become a man if the Earth is dying on a global scale, so how can I be a man if this is dying?

I wake up every morning with the taste of life lingering in my mouth,
every day like the one before - full of crippling depression.
What have I done to deserve this?
Have I disappointed our Lord?
Have I not adopted enough puppies?
All I want is to feel alive inside and not dead.
I want to be a man.
I want life to have a meaning again.
I want to stop going "XDDDDD" ironically.
I want to be the very best,
like no one ever was.
I want to set fire to the rain,
like I set fire to my will to live.
I want to not see death in every little aspect of life - I want to be able to look at cute little kittens and be happy because I'm alive with them.
I want to be the number 1 shitposter in both forums - GT and here.
I want to beat Boomer and Indicative - the latter, despicable.
I want to make lit guides xddd.
I want to be able to watch Disney movies and not be judged for my sins.
I want to be able to relate to people in movies other than the critically depressed and suicidal angsty teens.
I want to stop finding hidden meanings in music.
I want to look at memes and be like "ha, that's pretty good."
I want to be a man of mans.

If I can't be any of the above, what reason do we have on this world? What point is being a male if you can't be a man? What do kittens know about this world that makes them so happy that they can't tell us?
Why can't Star Trek be real?
Do people know that they have rolled over when they're sleeping? Do people remember the position in which they went to sleep? Why do people create an item to prevent something knowing if they prevent said thing, their item will no longer be required thus meaning they'll lose sales?
How do I become a man and have the highest quantity of posts on both forums without coming off as crippling depressed? Do I just post the same stuff over and over again? Do I copy and paste other posts previously mentioned in the same thread as I? Do I move to the Pixel Worlds forums and try to become a mod under one of my alter egos?

This thread has been brought to you by the GratePowder Incorporation - posts that have no clear meaning are our forte.