And how it was most likely in response to a certain someone’s “shocking” (it was not shocking) latest video? No? Because you, like me, try and avoid Katy Perry like a plague

Anyways, the music video for Katy Perry’s “California Gurls” arrived on the interwebs yesterday, and though it may have already been yanked, its brief appearance has already left us a single GIF to remind us what a not-a-fart joke looks like (and be sure to click the image and see this mess in motion):

It was brought to my attention yesterday that there’s some surprise that Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner has yet to address the human Ipecac that is Michelle “Bombshell” McGee. Well, more specifically, the tattoo she has on her forehead. The one that looks like this:

ANYWAYS, when this tattoo isn’t serving as a glaring example of her having all the spiritual depth of a person boneheaded enough to think tattooing “Pray for us sinners” on your forehead somehow makes you spiritually deep, it’s a fine example of a bad idea. Like, a really bad idea. Because it’s on your damn forehead, and only bangs can hide an embarrassment like that, which is like trying to hide the fact that you just pissed your pants at the bar by ripping a fart that could clear out a night club. So while I’m pretty sure having a forehead tattoo automatically guarantees you a competitive spot at this year’s The Worsties, I at least think we can at least do slightly better than what we’re currently working with, so let’s all jump and see what we can come up with:

Perhaps it’s just me, but the Pillsbury Doughboy is the stuff of nightmares. Like nannerpuss, he’s supposed to sell a product, but instead just creeps the living hell out of me. Don’t get me wrong: I love me some Pillsbury products. They’re delicious. Hell, one time in undergrad I ate their croissant dough. Literally, the dough. Without baking it. Because I’m a human garbage disposal like that. But I digress.

Anyways, while you might see this:

I look at the Doughboy and see THIS:

He’s no mascot; he’s a dough monster! I wouldn’t be surprised if he stays so plump by feasting on human flesh and adorable puppies. He probably bakes children into meat pies using Pillsbury Frozen Deep Dish Pie Crusts and makes Funfetti-and-kitten cupcakes. Seriously, how is this woman not fearing for her very life? She’s clearly a braver soul than I.

Fortunately I found a support group for my phobia today. It’s a 12-step program, and it involves watching this video, taking 5 minutes to realize that it’s a real video that–fake or not–was actually conceived and executed by someone, and then replaying it 10 more times:

I’m sorry, but did he just poop a croissant? He just pooped a croissant! Hahahahaha, AGAIN!