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8 Steps to heal a broken heart (the right way)

One upon a time I was forced to nurse my own broken heart. I remember so badly wanting the cure, a manual, anything to get me over this monumental life hump. The truth is, there is no quick fix or off switch to this type of pain but believe me when I say there is a RIGHT and WRONG way to healing a shattered heart.

I have witnessed and experienced first hand both the nourishing and destructive way of coping with heartbreak.

Ultimately this guide is designed to deter you from that path of self destruction and self blame (a trap we all seem to fall into). Just 8 steps to ease a broken heart in the healthiest way possible.

1. CRY YOUR EFFING EYES OUT!

But seriously.

In the pits of my heartbreak my best friend told me to be the Gold Medalist Olympic Champion of crying.

Because for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Let me put it this way – The harder you cry, the stronger the endorphins, the better you feel and the greater the clarity.

As we inch closer towards clarity we inch closer to a stronger heart. You need a big cry to release and make room for those new productive thoughts that will motivate you to take the steps to move forwards and not backwards in life.

I used to cry in the shower. Fact! There was something so cleansing about water running over my body whilst expelling watery tears from within (I mean how much more vulnerable can you get?! Naked & crying!). Literally seeing those tears of pain wash down the drain helped. It’s cathartic. So go for it! Cry your effing eyes out and don’t you dare apologise for it.

2. RESPECT OLD FATHER TIME

You have to give time time to work its magic. (no that’s not a typo).

Here are the many phrases I hated hearing when I was in the thick of nursing a shattered heart.

“It takes time” “time will heal” “in time you will see/realise/learn that…” .

Every time someone said those phrases I wanted to rip my ears out of my head. I started loathing time.

“Screw you time!”.

I wanted to fast froward and jump ahead to a time where I would be ok. It all seemed so overwhelming to me, this idea of having to ride out time which meant riding out the pain. Anyone else? If so, I feel ya.

But let’s shift your perspective on this notion of brutal endless time.

I was once reminded that “you can’t forget to give time, time”.

Had I been too hasty and harsh on old Father Time?

Had I not accepted that it moves inevitably at a constant and consistent speed and that I can’t change that?

But I could change myself. So I compartmentalised time (or put it in a box if you will), accepted that it will tick away and made the choice to ignore it. After all, time flies when you’re busy, distracted or having fun. Which leads me to my next point.

3. BE THE ULTIMATE BUSY BEE

Ok, so this might sound hard when you’re drowning in sorrow.

You’ve decided that you want to be a couch potato till the end of time. You never want to get out of your pyjamas, leave the safety net that is your house and face the world.

I 100% agree. And I will tell you this. Do all of those things. Absolutely. And I’ll use this phrase again. Be the Olympic-fucking-champion of it. Allow yourself to waste away on a couch with a giant pile of crumpled tissues and an endless supply of Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream.

BUT you MUST give yourself a deadline.

“I am allowed to wallow and indulge in ice-cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner for ONE week”.

Make that commitment to yourself. And make the decision to honour your deadline. The slump-ber party has to be over when you said it would be. I assure you, after a whole week of committed weeping and wallowing you will get bored of yourself. I certainly started to.

Time to become the ultimate busy bee and harness the art of distraction.

Time to get that ass up and moving.

Make dates for yourself. Lock them in. And I mean LOCK THEM IN. Put them in your calendar.

Don’t just say “Can we catch up next week?” to a friend.

Say “Are you free for a coffee and a walk tomorrow at 10am?”.

If it’s not locked down, it won’t happen. Coffee with friends. A yoga class. Volunteer work. Heck, maybe something you’ve never done before like a meditation class? (Or in my case, start a lifestyle blog!)

The point is, you need become the ultimate planner. Because you will wake up each day not wanting to do anything. But if you wake up to a day jam packed with appointments, you will force yourself to get up for them.

A little self forcing is a good thing. I remember dreading the thought of having to get dressed in something other than my pyjamas and face the light of day. But I made up my mind that I was NOT going to let anyone down. Whether it was a dear friend or a pilates instructor. Perhaps you have a pet dog. He/she needs walking right? Make sure you don’t break that deal with them. Honour your commitment to walk them every day. Get into that fresh air and breathe deeply. This all helps to cleanse the junk out of your mind and start making space for those thoughts of clarity. Tick!

4. MOVE YOUR BODY & EXERCISE

No need to elaborate on this one. The benefits are obvious. Be kind to your body. Be gentle with your heart.

Moving + Exercise = Endorphins = Happiness.

It’s a formula that works my love so don’t resist it, trust it.

5. YOU’RE A POET AND YOU DIDN’T KNOW IT

Writing feelings, along with crying like a champ is another way of releasing!

But what if I’m not into journaling and hate writing pages and pages of my thoughts?

I was very much this gal once upon a time. I hated the idea of it. If writing pages of feelings intimidates and overwhelms you then just put pen to paper and write a list of dot points. I didn’t even put pen to paper, I wrote everything in my iPhone so I could take it everywhere with me as a reminder.

But what do I write?

Just keep it simple. I wrote a list of all the reasons why the relationship didn’t work out. I wrote the positives of being out of it and what I would gain from having this person out of my life. I forced myself to admit to the cracks that I had turned a blind eye to.

6. PROTECT YOURSELF FROM THE PERILS OF SOCIAL MEDIA

“block, unfollow & unfriend”

Social media is poison to a broken heart. I highly highly highly recommend going on a digital detox.

No doubt you will be tempted to look up your ex to see what they’re up to. But I can’t stress this point enough – Don’t do it!!! Looking up an ex online feels good in the moment because you’re satisfying an urge to spy and pry, but it will leave you feeling like absolute crap. It’s like binging on junk food to satisfy a craving but you pay for it with regret, a sore belly, bloated-ness, bad skin (or in my case a sore and peeling tongue after devouring family size packets of salt and vinegar chips).

Plus if you go on an ‘ex stalking’ spree, you are guaranteed to find something that hurts you. You’ll read into every photo and assume they’re doing ok without you. But let me remind you that social media is a false portrayal of reality. Anyone can smile for a 2 second photo but you don’t really know what’s going on behind the picture perfect moment. Best to save yourself the wonder and protect yourself from it all together. I made a deal with myself to remain blissfully ignorant about an ex and I’ve never broken that promise to myself since. Believe me, it works a treat. Block, unfollow & unfriend!

7. HOW SOCIAL MEDIA CAN ACTUALLY HELP

Now I know a few peeps may cringe at this and I’m aware this isn’t for everyone, but I found that following some inspirational quote pages on instagram were surprisingly helpful. Now this is coming from a girl who was NEVER into the idea of “a quote a day keeps the doctor away”. But they helped brighten my spirits and gave me hope.

When you’re heart aches you will surrender yourself to anything that makes it feel whole again, however fleeting. And if quotes make you feel good and shift your perspective then read them! And if you’re quote hater then I challenge you to give them a chance. Who knows what a cleverly curated bunch of words might do for your soul.

8. TAKING INDEPENDENCE BY THE BALLS!

“There is no comfort in the growth zone but there is no growth in the comfort zone”.

It’s time to acknowledge your fierce independence and embrace your new found freedom. You are no longer in a partnership that makes you feel like s**t.

No more compromising.

No more putting someone else first.

No more pinning your happiness on someone else.

It’s time to cultivate your inner goddess.

Time to do what ever the heck you want with wild abandon.

Time to fall back in love with you, yourself and well YOU.

Love Gemma x

Side love note: If you know anyone going through heartbreak please share this with them. I remember when I was in the thick of it, a dear friend of mind shared a blog post with me on this very topic. It brightened my day, shifted my perspective and gave me hope. I wrote this for those who are hurting and in need of a gentle remedy because, well, we’ve all been there.

Comments

Great Advice! First time I felt heartbroken was when I was in year 12 (long story) and I still get heartbroken in other circumstances. I always surround myself with those who believe in me and there’s still so much to look forward to in life. Thanks for sharing this post!

I have never seen someone write this process as perfectly as you did. One thing that I would add is that it is okay to get super angry, as long you don’t do anything that you will regret. I had a friend who’s husband cheated on her in the first year of their marriage. She came to me because I went through the same thing in my first marriage. I told her to not be ashamed of crying and to get fucking mad. As soon as she got mad I told her to think of everything about him that she didn’t like and everything she changed about herself to please him. It was at this point that she realized she hadn’t been herself in years. He kept begging for her to come back and she wanted to make it work. I told her to ask herself if she would ever trust him again. Then of course she found out he was still cheating and finally abandoned ship. The excitement and joy on her face the day she was finally free from a man who caused her so much pain was glorious. I remembered feeling the same way when I was free from the same situation after a short 11 months of marriage at the young age of 22.

Oh gosh I can relate. But thankfully I wasn’t married. I’m so happy to hear that you and your friend both worked through it. I can’t imagine how a betrayal so early on into marriage would have felt like.
And yes, I agree, it’s fine to get mad. Anger is healthy but it’s important to work through the anger and not let those hateful emotions linger for too long. Thank you for sharing lovely! Isn’t hindsight a beautiful thing. xx

Well said Gemma, we have all had our heart broken at some point and if you haven’t then lucky you. But you do get through it and friends do help, I just kept myself busy, my way of dealing with it. And what a wonderful freeing day when you realise that you are better off without them and don’t need that crap in your life….and also the moment that you realise that karma is a bitch!

Wonderful post- you are absolutely right we have all been there! A good, hard cry always works wonders for me! I also find a bit of good old fashioned escapism in a really good tv series helps- one that you can duck into it when your mind is working overtime – bonus if the lead character happens to be extremely handsome….ahem sons of anarchy anyone?? ;).
I am so glad you started blogging, but I am sorry it was due to a heartbreak! I love GPG, reading your posts is like chatting to an old friend- infact, so much so that in my head it reads in your voice! It’s lovely to see how happy you are now….isn’t life just full of surprises? 🙂 x

2 years on and i’m still struggling to come to terms with my break up… but i have good days as well as bad.
I am human and i have these beautiful things called “emotions”!
This post has hit home on so many levels and after reading through i only wish i’d found you sooner!
I’m slowly but surely working my way back up from where i was dropped from a great height, yes its taken a while but i’m still here living.
Thank you so much for sharing your words of wisdom 🙂
All the very best for your upcoming wedding day, you will truly shine x

You are indeed human and you have beautiful emotions. It’s ok that you’re still two years into your healing process and feeling your way through it. I hope the good days start the outnumber the bad and one day you look back and see just how far you’ve truly come. You may not see it yet but I assure you, you’ve made huge progress. Sending lots of love x

Gemma this post is brilliant. Thank you so much for writing it. My very dear friend is currently in the middle of a very sad break up and my own heart aches at the thought of how she is feeling every day. On top of dealing with her own emotions, she has a very small child with her ex and is trying her best to find the balance of moving on but also dealing with seeing him regularly. Although he wasn’t a very good partner to her, he is a good father and their daughter loves him very much. My friend can recognize this. I will definitely be showing her this post and hope it gives her a different perspective on what’s happened.
I love the honesty of your blog, I love your photos, I love your contagious enthusiasm for all things positive!
Thank you!

Hi Helen,
I’m so glad to hear that you are going to share this with her. What a tough situation she is in. It’s great that she can admit he is a great father. I hope they are able to build an amicable relationship for the sake of their child.
Thank you for your kind words and support to my blog. It means so much.
Best wishes,
Gemma

Hello, I follow your posts and I think your work amazing . The text about recovering a broken heart was beyond beautiful, essential. I experienced a similar situation and many women get a little aimlessly or without that friendly advice. I believe this message is not only to cure a broken heart, but to encourage people to detach from destructive relationships. Thank you 🙂

Yes I was hoping that it would have a greater reach beyond just a break up. It devastates me to hear about so many people in destructive and toxic relationships. This is why I love reading blogs so much because there are so many stories out there and it makes women feel a little less alone.
Thank you for your words and for joining the conversation.
Gem x

Cry as much as You need and block him, we had some friends in common and if we found each other in a birthday, I didn’t say hello to him. I was rude and I don’t care because my mental health is more important.
I made a list of the things that always want to do and I had never try, and I began to try

Wow, this writing process is so beautiful and perfect. I am so glad and happy that people like you exist. These kind of advice are the best. When i first had my first heartbreak a friend of mine told me to just “forget about him” i mean trust me if i could i would.. but it’s not that easy you know? This guy i used to crush on was my best friends brother and he was so kind, so handsome. One day i ask his sister to ask him if he liked me and he said “yes” of course i was thrilled but he was so much older than me. but we liked each other and then one day, i was making my way to school and a friend of mine came up beside me and told me some very heartbroken news. She said “do you know who Alec is?” and i said “yes, why” and she said “you haven’t heard? .. we’re dating! he’s my boyfriend.” of course.. that broke my heart into million pieces. I felt so hurt and betrayed.. and mostly i felt stupid. stupid that a guy that handsome would ever like me. I just felt so damn stupid. and my friend, she didn’t know. at the time she didn’t know that i was a crushing on him. but i think she found out at some point. we stopped talking to each other now. The guy’s real name isn’t Alec by the way. i didn’t really want to say his name so i came up with one. After the news and the heartbreak i didn’t really do much. I didn’t cry.. I didn’t eat ice cream. I didn’t tell anyone what was going on. i just carried on the day smiling and talking to my friends. I pretended like nothing happened. That made me feel like crap because on the inside i really wanted to cry. I wanted to scream but, at that time i thought crying makes you weak. Especially crying over a guy. “Alec” graduating a few years ago and he’s still living in this town. We’d see each other at the market or something and sometimes he’d say hi and we’d talk for a few minutes and sometimes.. we just pretend like neither of us sees each other. In a way, I’m glad he played me. He made me realize how strong i am. I’m 19 years old now and I’m about to graduate school. Theres so much more boys like him to come by way. But this time, i’ll be careful. Anyways, Gemma i am SO SO sorry about this very long rant. It’s just that reading your writing makes me feel so much better. And your writing is so accurate and beautiful. I am so happy that you’re blogging because .. it really makes my day. Honestly. Stay awesome and i will be looking forward to your next post! (:

I love that you felt compelled to share your story. Thank you so much! And I promise you, many many more boys will come your way. Every heart break is a gift. It’s a lesson to grow, learn and strengthen yourself. And mister right will be ready to handle an amazing woman like you.
Thank you for your kind words gorgeous. Good luck with all your future endeavours!
Love Gemma x

You know what’s amazing? Those advices are perfect for each type of heartbreak!
Mine was broken for a very long time because I tried to get one significant person’s approval way too hard without noticing that I’m “approved” ONLY when I do what this person wants me to do.
Last attempt to show that I am who I am was – to share my life’s greatest passion, – ended with 11 years of depression….
And it was February, 2015 – when my life started to change: I discovered a book called “The Right to Write” by Julia Cameron – an amazing guide for artists of every kind (well, for everyone, really!).
I’m still in the process of getting my own true self back & healing my heart but it’s been a wonderful adventure!
Thank you, Gemma, for your advices – they supplement my book of tricks!
Lots of love from Saint P.

Thanks for sharing lovely. Heartbreak is a tough mountain to climb but that doesn’t mean you can’t make it over the peak. You absolutely will get there in time I promise. And thank you sharing that book. I’m super keen to check it out.
Stay strong and focus on what’s YOU need right now.
Take care,
Gem x