Friday, April 23, 2010

Which is better: a vibrator or a man? And why?

A man does not eat batteries like some sort of Martian invading robot, scuttling through the English countryside burning everything in its path and surviving on Double As.

A vibrator does not wake you up in the morning with an energetic discussion about the various merits of LL Cool J aka The Goat, and then play you a medley of Battle Hymns between him and some dickwad named Cannabis who says the word faggot way too often to be taken seriously.

A man also comes in three speeds, but that has less to do with design and more to do with alcohol consumption.

A vibrator will not make you dinner.

A man cannot be hidden in the drawer next to your bed or under your pillow, and never be discussed with friends and family. You can try, but it won't work.

A vibrator does not have to go to work in the morning.

A man can be brought to social functions and shown off in front of friends.

A vibrator does not leave you drunk singing voice mails.

A man requires you to sometimes get out of bed and wear decent clothes. Which means doing laundry on a more regular basis.

So I think maybe it's a tie. You don't really need either of them, but they are nice to have around.

Have you seen this cyclist in West Park? He rides around holding a CB walkie-talkie and pedals around. I first saw him after a blizzard 3 years ago on his bike peddling around. I just saw him last night peddling out of the crazy metroparks hill by Story R

You're talking about the Lone Rider of Kamm's Corners. The only thing standing between peaceful city neighborhood and bloody violent anarchy on the streets. The Bicyclist of Divine Vengeance. The Randonneur of Retribution. He can signaled by putting a beer mirror out with your trash on the curb. He's also available for plowing.

No. I have no idea what you're talking about. I never leave my house. All my windows are covered in tin foil. I try to avoid making eye contact with my neighbors.

But good for him. Story is a bitch. I have to drive my bike down to the parks and ride, because I can't get up those hills yet. Also because I'm super out of shape and genetically predisposed against going uphill ever.

"What I like best is a book that's at least funny once in a while...What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn't happen much, though." - J. D. Salinger