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I must have missed something…

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Just want to clear a few things up here about the Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya issue – just a handful of questions to make sure I wasn’t off the day we abandoned common sense.

We have to get involved because we are a big world player. Yes that’s the logic from the chair of the defense committee. Do you remember when you were a kid and your mum told you to stop being a sheep and copying the rest of your peers – any chance you could get her to speak to Cameron?

2. There will be collateral damage but it’s necessary to defeat IS. Really? So it’s fine for us to kill innocent people in the name of doing the “right thing” but not them? These terrorists aren’t stupid, they know to live among civilians because then they can claim we have killed women and children when we bomb them.

3. We’re friends with Jordan and Saudi Arabia and are fighting for freedom and fairness alongside them to defeat medieval practices. Well if we take a quick look at the arms receipts from many Middle East countries we have sold to, then maybe there is an argument to look the other way when they torture, behead and refuse democracy to their own people.

4. There are 75,000 troops in the Free Syrian army ready to step up when we get involved. But they didn’t bother when France, Russia, USA and others started bombing months ago. Also how can the Tories all of a sudden magic up a number of SFA members when they don’t know how many members of the Taliban or Al Qaeda or IS there are – do they have Google’s accountants working for them?

5. IS don’t recognise borders, neither should we. Okay, I won’t bother with my passport from now on then if you’re willing to rip up the rule books because of what a terrorist organisation decides.

6. If you are against the strikes you are a “Terrorist Sympathizer” Right so what should I do? Do I check in somewhere to pick up my clothes and gun before boarding the plane or do you want to treat us like grown ups who have a differing view of things from you Mr Cameron? Or do you apologise for saying something fucking stupid?

7. We will work towards cutting off the financial avenues IS are using to fund the war. Right, so they’re basically Starbucks with Guns. We know they have the money but we’d rather “Tsk” at them than do something about it. We know they are selling oil to neighbouring states and countries – oh yes they are our allies…

8. We have a UN resolution. Oh good that old chestnut, I’ve missed that. This is nostalgia for war mongerers. I’d go back and check the wording more carefully Mr Cameron – nothing in it says we can bomb indiscriminately. Maybe you spoke to Blair’s Lawyers, I’ve heard they’re good on these types of things.

9. We need to protect ourselves against terrorist attacks. We will be safer if we bomb them. In much the same way you are safer if you hit a wasp’s nest with a big stick and then stand still while the flying stingers attack you where you stand. Yes, a real lesson to learn there.

10. We shouldn’t worry about the shadow of Iraq on this decision. Exactly the opposite – we fucked up then for most of the same reasons we’re about to fuck up now. In short we have learned nothing from our fuck-uppery. Labour MPs should be looking carefully at themselves because they were guilty of lying twelve years ago – they should be standing and calling out Cameron today.

I could go on, but what’s the point? A huge sway of the public don’t want this. Experts are already making it clear without troops on the ground it won’t work. There are too many cooks in this stew and no-one is leading – it’s a free-for-all with Russia bombing the people we are about to try to support.

I don’t know if it’s cynicism or getting older but I’m extremely pissed off with this whole thing, from the same old lies to the ridiculous way in which Jeremy Corbyn has been treated by the media, MPs on all sides and some sections of the public. He will most likely lose the vote tonight, but he’s one of the few people who will walk away from this with his reputation intact.

We’ll look back on this as another example of stupidly jumping in where we should have sat round the table. “Impossible” I hear you cry, but hasn’t nearly every conflict ever been finally solved by signings of treaties and discussions. “They’re too evil they don’t want to talk” – the IRA did, the Nazis did, all involved in Bosnia eventually sat down. Bomb first, talk later? The talks in Vienna are being ignored when they are the best chance of progress.

But what do I know? I was off the day we turned into a nasty country who only solved through bombing, shooting, ignoring war crimes, selling arms to those in questionable regimes, taking money from those we should be putting sanctions on, supporting undemocratic practices and blowing things up kind of country. Must have been a Tuesday. I’m useless on Tuesdays.