Two weeks ago, I wrote about finding your voice when the tribe has spoken. Losing a job is a sure a way to feel we’ve lost our tribe, but it’s not the only one. A relocation, a divorce, a huge setback of some sort, or some way of thinking can make us feel apart.

Lots of folks have lots of reason for feeling we’re on the outside.

It’s almost overwhelming. The world can seem to be one huge tribe and we can seem to be the only one who’s not a part. Of course, that’s flawed thinking. Ever met a group of people who could agree on anything huge for very long? The whole world is too big to hold a meeting about who belongs.

It’s not how the world sees you. It’s how you see yourself that counts.

Which tribe do you want to be part of? You get to pick. Now is a better time than any other to get the word out about who you are. We have social tools to launch a campaign and so many ways to find a new tribe.

The key to it all is in one word — chosen and used wisely.

Connect — Online and Off

Connect with the things that made you successful in the past.

Connect with the things you want to accomplish in the future.

Connect with people who are positive and who see the person in you that you like.

Connect with your family and friends and talk about what they’re doing.

Connect with positive people who can teach you.

Connect with people you find interesting and smart.

Connect over coffee, at church, at any venue that invites learners.

Connect online and off.

Connect with people who enjoy helping you connect.

Every person you connect to is an opportunity to find out about what you’ve been missing and what you can learn to survive.

Keep these thoughts in mind when you connect.

A connection is not as simple as clicking on the “follow” button. It’s finding out about a person, learning what you have in common, showing what you have to give, not what you need to get.

Solid connections are built by listening and then sharing back. Taking the time to connect with fewer, quality people can be more efficient — each person you get to know well can open the door to a whole network of friends.

The Three Rules of How to Connect

Connect with an open, hungry, beginner’s mind to the situations that teach you.

Connect with an open, generous, fearless heart to people who want to help you.

Connect with purpose to the future that you couldn’t imagine until now.

How will you know when you’ve found the tribe where you belong? You’ll not be thinking about who you are when you’re with them, you’ll be thinking about what you’re learning and what you can offer them.

And if you have a tribe … your tribe will strong if you invite new folks in.
How might we reach out to help someone who needs that first connection?

social networking and a social network

Most literally, social networking would be meeting and making connections and relationships — both business and social — online and offline. In the lexicon of social media, social networking involves establishing an online presence and connecting regularly with other people and businesses who have done the same. Connections are made through hyperlinks and references embedded in personal profiles, comment text, audio comments, podcasts, videos.

Social networking sites provide efficient ways for individuals (and individual businesses) to find and connect with friends and colleagues, to establish new relationships and deepen them, and to introduce friends and colleagues to each other. Many social networking sites also offer platforms for discussion of topics that a community or network finds mutually interesting or beneficial.

In the most concise terms, a social network is a group of like-minded individuals connected by a common interest.

@rubybluesox: “we know ‘enough’ about each other that we could ‘hang out’ in person and be friends … but in a ‘linguistic’ way… so it requires a certain depth that most ‘marketers’ aren’t used to” @thomasclifford: “What is social networking? A means to validate our search for meaning.” @brendansmith: @pixelfan for me everything i do in social networking is business, for fun, family and friends, I use the phone or meet face to face @pm_41: @mashable Why would I hire people to tweet for me? The whole idea of social-networking is to express YOURSELF in front of the world. @brunsvold: I sometimes get the feeling that social networking is like high school. The only way to survive is to pretend to be too cooler than everyone

The Real Test of Our Social Skills

Families — fond memories, sentiments that bring us closer together. I’ve sure we’ve all got those. Unfortunately, it seems families aren’t absolved of people who aren’t a joy to the world, of incidents involving human error. Bad times, miscommunication, and conflict come along with the package family deal.

I know more than one person who has thought of starting over — electing a new family, demoting those currently in familial roles — she just doesn’t know how to tell the family she was born into.

It’s not a solution as far as I can see.

I have noticed that we often cut our new friends and new clients more slack than we do our families. Family history gets in the way of our relationships moving forward again.

It sure seems that where we have relationships — yeah even those stuck in a time warp — we might try our best social practices for connecting in positive ways when relationships aren’t happening.

Here’s a four-point plan to reconnect with people that you’ve had a history with.

Smile. Be joyful to see them. It’s a chance to change history. Be the change you want to see. The surprise alone often changes their demeanor.

Live that smile through and through. Folks we’ve had history with have put us into a content and context box. They use their experience and how we look, what we say, what we do — to recognize signs that might validate that smile. Belief and consistency in the smile through every test gives you and them a place to stand.

Never let ’em see you sweat. When we’re at our best we’re authentic. If they ask, tell them life is good and that you’ve decided to look at the world with a positive view. If they bring up bad events, agree that the events were bad and be glad that they’re over. If you need to point out that the happy occasion isn’t the best venue for sorting out history.

Make everything about everyone in the room. Be a great guest who is helpful, curious, and interested in the folks who came. Talk about what they want to talk about. It’s an afternoon with the audience who knows you better than any client ever will.

We know how to meet, interact, and build communities with our friends and customers here. What if we do that with our families too? If we let go of old stories, we might find that the curmudgeon in our family is really someone who wants to be listened to. The hardest ones to know can be holding great bits of wisdom. What if we made it a quest to get to it?

Lots of us know that our families don’t see us clearly. It seems only logical that it must be true the other way too. If we start connecting, imagine what we could be learning. We’ve got the skills and the tools.

Guest Post by Vincent Wright

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your friendsâand their friends. And while you’re at it, their friends’ friends. But if you’re sad, hold the blame. Researchers from Harvard Medical School and the University of California, San Diego have found that “happiness” is not the result solely of a cloistered journey filled with individually tailored self-help techniques. Happiness is also a collective phenomenon that spreads through social networks like an emotional contagion.

In a study that looked at the happiness of nearly 5000 individuals over a period of twenty years, researchers found that when an individual becomes happy, the network effect can be measured up to three degrees. One person’s happiness triggers a chain reaction that benefits not only their friends, but their friends’ friends, and their friends’ friends’ friends. The effect lasts for up to one year.

The flip side, interestingly, is not the case: Sadness does not spread through social networks as robustly as happiness. Happiness appears to love company more so than misery.

“We’ve found that your emotional state may depend on the emotional experiences of people you don’t even know, who are two to three degrees removed from you,” says Harvard Medical School professor Nicholas Christakis, who, along with James Fowler from the University of California, San Diego co-authored this study. “And the effect isn’t just fleeting.”

For over two years now, Christakis and Fowler have been mining data from the Framingham Heart Study (an ongoing cardiovascular study begun in 1948), reconstructing the social fabric in which individuals are enmeshed and analyzing the relationship between social networks and health. The researchers uncovered a treasure trove of data from archived, handwritten administrative tracking sheets dating back to 1971. All family changes for each study participant, such as birth, marriage, death, and divorce, were recorded. In addition, participants had also listed contact information for their closest friends, coworkers, and neighbors. Coincidentally, many of these friends were also study participants. Focusing on 4,739 individuals, Christakis and Fowler observed over 50,000 social and family ties and analyzed the spread of happiness throughout this group.

Using the Center for Epidemiological Studies Depression Index (a standard metric) that study participants completed, the researchers found that when an individual becomes happy, a friend living within a mile experiences a 25 percent increased chance of becoming happy. A co-resident spouse experiences an 8 percent increased chance, siblings living within one mile have a 14 percent increased chance, and for next door neighbors, 34 percent.

But the real surprise came with indirect relationships. Again, while an individual becoming happy increases his friend’s chances, a friend of that friend experiences a nearly 10 percent chance of increased happiness, and a friend of *that* friend has a 5.6 percent increased chanceâa three-degree cascade.

Are You Networking More and Enjoying It Less?

From Linkedin and Facebook to Twitter and Ning, the quality social networks that we build can guide us, protect us, and help us stay our course … if we let them know how.

We have the networks already or already started. Now we need to engage in open, equal, and active relationships that move us all toward success.

5 Doorways to the Power of Social Networks

One bane of small and solo business is the isolation that can be part of our business life. We can hire lawyers and accountants, trainers and guides, marketers and sales folks … well, maybe not all at one time. Even if we can outsource in every direction, we need to know that what folks are suggesting is right.

We’re building communities and networks that have the experience and expertise we need. The key is to get our networks working with us. Here are 5 ways to do just that.

Listen for doorways being opened.
Rather than trying to pry new doors open, find the doors that people are holding open for you. Social media folks and great networkers are always opening doors. We ask what they need or what they they’re working on. Sometimes it’s a simple, “How’s business?” Sometimes it’s a more direct, “What can I do for you?” Once I started listening for open doors, I realized folks were opening doors for me every day.

Value compliments.
Compliments are a way that people reach out in good faith. Accepting a compliment elevates you and your relationship with the person who gave it. You show that you value the giver and the information. Compliments open doorways to find out what people perceive as your strengths. Think about them dispassionately. Be sure you know what a compliment means. Follow up later to ask if you don’t.

Talk about what you’re doing.
Listen first, but let people know your quest. Open a doorway to let people know what you’re doing, especially what you’re trying for the first time. This week I’ve told everyone about my goal for 2009 — to find ways to get people working again. I’m glad and grateful that Gail jumped in with both feet to help. I might never have know that she had something similar on her mind.

Ask for help.
Be a learner not a hunter. Open multiple doorways for people to let people see you learn. Most people rise to an occasion to help. Invite your network to be teachers, removed from the role of potential clients. When we start with “Would you help? My ideal client would look a lot like you, would you have five minutes to offer me advice?”

Turn interest into a way to invest.
When someone likes your work, offer a doorway to a partnership. Sit on the same side of the table and enlist that client or friend in your quest. Too often we see ourselves as “less.” Yet, that person has something to teach us and we have something to offer in return. Ask about his or her goals and find how they align with yours. Use what you learn to follow Steve Farber’s advice. “Do what you love in service to the people who love what you do.”

Doorways connect.

We’ve invested in the network of people we call friends and colleagues — the people we respect and are happy to help. Why wouldn’t we offer them doorways to do the same?

How do you open doorways to enlist the power of your network? How else might we engage them in open, equal, and active relationships so that our barns and bridges are well built and successful?

–ME “Liz” Strauss
If you think Liz can help you find focus or direction, check out the Work with Liz!!

Last night I had a conversation about social networking with a good friend, it went something like this.

My Friend: On August 1, I had 166 followers and now I’m over 400.

ME: So?

My Friend: Surely you’ve heard that in sales it’s all about the numbers. But you’re saying numbers aren’t the only thing.

ME: So, these people, your followers, are the people who are going to buy from you?

My Friend: You’re saying the key is to convert them into buyers. That’s why I’m networking — having conversations like this one.

ME: What’s the purpose of collecting a higher number of followers? Are those followers the right people for “networking”? Do they move your story forward? Is it useful conversation, relaxation, or just time spent?

My Friend: You’re saying “go after the ones I want to be my clients.” Qualified leads would raise the level of my business. I see your point.

ME: I like this dialogue. You find the answers and give me credit for saying them.

My Friend: You’re saying I’m a good friend to have a conversation with. . . .

— That’s not exactly how the conversation went, but it’s MY story.
He can tell it his way on his own blog. —

How would you tell my friend to adjust his networking time spent to make it a more purposeful investment?

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