Tuesday, April 27, 2010

as in. i'm fucking huge.
like. huger than huge. i thought being 116 was huge? oh no. this is DISGUSTING. 123 is DISGUSTING.

solution? not eating.

can i eat under 100 calories each day for the next three days?
YES.
cause then it's a drinking fest at my school for two days.
and then it's back to restriction restriction restriction.
this is ridiculous.

Monday, April 19, 2010

(yes yes i picked it i can't help that i'm obsessed with this mess that is whatever i have)

but in reading these studies, some of which have quotes from websites that girls like us have used,

i just felt again an overwhelming sense of support and compassion and empathy coming from them,

and it makes me again feel so grateful to be part of such a supportive and wonderful community.

you girls are all amazing, and all working hard at figuring things out for yourselves, and supporting each other in whatever is happening. you have all made such a difference in making me feel better about myself and less alone. i love you all.

also amazing thanks to Alice for the sunshine award! just more proof that you ladies are amazing and reaching out to each other has really helped a lot of us.
i've thanked her here. [elusively] given my tumblr is open to my realworldfriends.
&i'll be giving out my own awards when i have more time.

i unfortunately really am amazingly busy and stressed out. as this paper is supposed to be 10 pages and it's due in two days, alongside a 16page essay exam, and another 4page essay. i promise i'll be much more present after these next two weeks are over (end of classes)

a few more brief things i suppose, though. since you want updates&isuddenly want to procrastinate to update you (!)
my weight and eating habits have been bouncing during my absences. i'll have a few good days, a few bad days. a few good exercise days in a row, a few days where i have zero time, &am probably stress eating for flavor since there is a lack of interesting things beside coursework in my life. my weight is sadly not 120 like it says, it's 123 :( back to my highest. but i took adderall tonight (actually for studying purposes, ick) which has the added bonuses of me not needing sleep and losing my appetite. i might even take another tomorrow depending on the workload, because i doubt i'll finish it all before the effects run out and i crash. just keep the high going! haha. also through the sneaky tricks of a fellow blogger i've figured out i can order generic topamax (topiramate?) online through sketchy, non-prescription-necessary international pharmacy websites. it's used for a variety of things but helps with weightloss and is prescribed for binge-eating disorder. [visit Lola for some more info on side effects&risks] it'd be great if i could stop those binges and actually keep weight off for once (my 'purging' methods of intense restriction periods have gotten fewer and farther between, ugh. though my weight's been pretty stable. no loss.) we'll see if they come ( in 10-21 days! ah!) and if they actually work, or if they're fake or something. also it's only 25 mg (whereas the lovely 20-lb-loss-in-one-month Zen is on 400 mg/day) but that's because that's all they sell, and i am kind of poor, so at ~$1 a tablet i can afford 30 of them as a trial in case it's a scam or something. maybe i'll take two a day so i'll be at 50 mg. don't know. we'll see how it goes.
wow. that was tons of logistical rambling. it's the adderall, sorry (!) making me talkative even on the internet, goodness!
although it's also because i miss you guys, and i figure i'll be up all hours for the next day so i'll have time.

oh fuck. this is going to be a long one, isn't it? (so be it).
here we go then. got rid of the boy i'd been screwing regularly. it got weird, and was hurting me (as you can see in my recent posts), because i was attached without liking him. and i think he was moderately attached, but less than i was. it's fine now though. i didn't hang out with him last weekend and barely saw him all week, but then this week i've run into him a few times and we're totally fine and friendly, which is PERFECT-exactly what i want. i hate post-fuck-buddy awkwardness. it's GREAT.

also i found out some things about this other guy i hooked up with before this last one, J. (i know i've gone through a lot of boys so if you don't follow, don't worry). this one i hooked up with before winter break, and we had to use plan b, and it was complicated. but i thought we were fine because we hooked up again at the beginning of this semester, but then after two weeks he spazzed and wouldn't look at me. it clearly bothered me, but i let it go to the weirdness of guys. however, a few weeks ago my guy friend who lives on his hall was talking with me, and realized that i had been the one J had the whole plan b thing happen with, and told me that J was actually really freaked out and scared, and that's probably why he pushed away. i feel bad, since i wasn't really worried, i have lots of faith in that stuff (haha). but we're also fine now and he's been saying hi to me a lot. oh silly boys.

so anyway. doubt you'll read all that. but you asked for an update, so you got one! there's still more but i should definitely write my paper (6.5 hours before i have to go to class,work,AEROBICS,&filmingstuff until 9pm. ohgodohgod.notenoughtime)

ok. onto work. also. texting buddies in the US. i'd love you right now to keep me on track with the eating! let me know!

again-

i really do LOVE you girls.

STAY STRONG.

&thank you for being there for me, and each other

you're the best, and have made so much of a difference for me

<3 love&luck,

anastasia kirstyn

ps. another plug for my [tumblr]
i'd love it if you followed, &if you have one, let me know, i'd love to follow you
it's a little less time consuming than this blog, fewer words/real experiences, more photos/quotes
&therefore my newest quick artsy fix
consider joining if you don't have one, it's a nice outlet

Monday, April 5, 2010

friday night. got too drunk, didn't want to be so drunk. was too clingy with the boy. said so many things i wish i hadn't said, things i don't remember.i think i scared him away.
i got attached. attached to having the same body to sleep with, the same arms wrapped around me.i don't like it. no more of that boy for me. late saturday night i walked by his room, empty, i'm sure he found some other girl to be with that night.

friday we slept together. fell asleep quicklyiwassodrunk. woke up at fiveish. he left. he didn't care.i cut myself. again and again and still didn't feel any better.saturday got drunk again, better this time. was with friends. danced all night. parted ways with them, smoked cigs sitting in beach chairs on the third floor fire escape steps with two guys from my hall while they had shared a bong (i hate weed, makes me anxious, too much in my own head).
then. they just left. went inside. i just wandered. down to the ground. back of the building, there are these really cool steps in the back, stone, with big ledges to sit and lean.
probably smoked like six cigarettes quickly. alone. found a safety pin on my skirt, started scratching up my thighs again. oh right, i remember now, my best friend saw all those lines on my thighs when we went to the bathroom together saturday. she wasn't drunk. she remembers. she thought i was doing okay, that it was in the past, because all she'd seen were my arms, healing.
went inside. found a guy i'm friends with. he smoked a cig outside with me. i just wanted a shoulder to lean on. he gave it, but i could tell he didn't really want to. wasn't totally comfortable. went inside. up to bed, supposedly.
cut myself some more. i just can't seem to stop. my thighs hurt when i bend my legs up now, i like that. masochistic, it seems.

and i can't seem to stay happy. i'll go out, have a good time (alcohol necessary for that part), but that's short distraction. i'm so unhappy, so much of the time.
laid around all day wishing i could do coursework. i just couldn't do anything. i didn't do anything.
my family decided to come take me to dinner because it's easter and i miss them, they're only forty minutes away from my school. it was nice to see them, but again, once they left, here i am again, feeling empty.

i don't know what's wrong with me. is this the start of depression? why? where is it coming from? i find myself all the time just saying "go away, go away, go away" to whatever this feeling is that i can't name and can't find a source of. i don't know what's wrong. i don't know why i'm not happy. i don't know what to do. i don't want to do anything. essay, readings due tomorrow. 1:45 am, haven't started. can't see myself writing anything with quality.

i just want it togo away. go away. go away.
-anastasia kirstyn

ps. i made a tumblr. it's not going to be superthinspo-y, my real friends are reading it, and they can't know about this blog. it will definitely involve beautiful thin people though. if you want the link, comment with your email or something, i'll give it to you. too afraid people will find it.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

i am sick of boys.
i am sick of being unwanted
(aside from my physicality)
i hate myself
i can't stop physically hurting myself.
(thin red lines found their way into my arms again tonight,
i thought i'd decided to just do thighs. i can't help it.)

the only thing i have control overis getting thinner.

my turn.
boy, stop fucking me up. i can't do it anymore.
it hurts so much.