A Forum for Orthodox Jewish thought on Halacha, Hashkafa, and the social issues of our time.

Friday, December 26, 2014

So, What Does She Look Like?

How important are looks?

There is a famous story about R’ Baruch Ber Leibowitz. (At
least I think it’s famous). It goes something like this. His daughter had dated
a young man who was not pleased with her appearance. When the Shadchan (marriage
broker) told this to R’ Baruch Ber he purportedly responded, ‘I understand why
someone would examine an Esrog to ascertain its physical beauty. That is
Halacha. But where does it say that a Shidduch has to be so beautiful?

This somewhat humorous anecdote raises the question of how
important should ‘looks’ be to a potential Shidduch. On first thought, one
might say that looks should not be a factor at all. It is the character that is
important. ‘How God fearing are they’ should be the question.

Well, it is true
that being a God fearing Jew may be the most important feature to look at when a
religious Jew dates. But are looks to
be totally ignored? Is the famous quote in Mishlei true: Sheker HaChen V’Helevl
HYofi, Isha Yiras HaShem He Tis’Hallel – False is charm and vain is beauty - it
is the woman that fears God that should be praised.

But one should not minimize physical attraction. And that’s
is where beauty comes in.

Now it is true that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
What may be beautiful to one person, may not be so beautiful to another. There
is a lot of subjectivity that goes into that. But in point of fact, one has to
be pleased with the way one’s life partner looks. Because if they are not, the
marriage will not end well. At least in my opinion.

In Charedi circles, where dating is left up to Shadchanim of
one type or another (be they parents, relatives, friends, or professionals) it
should not be considered wrong to ask for a picture of the proposed Shiddach
before agreeing to date. Because nothing
will put a damper on a date than a surprise of the negative sort. If your first
impression is one of recoiling from the look of your date, need I say how that
date will end? …if it begins at all?

Rabbi Yair Hoffman has written a thoughtful article on the
subject in the 5 Towns Jewish Times.
Therein he discusses the Halachic literature on whether a man can even
look at a picture of a woman. Most non
Chasidic Poskim do not consider Assur to do so. But there seems to be a
preponderance of opinion among many of them that it is nevertheless improper to do
so in cases of Shiduchim.

One of the reasons given is that pictures can be misleading where an overly
flattering image may raise expectations much higher than reality calls for. So the reverse of what I said above can happen. Instead of being shocked at how
unappealing a potential date might be upon first sight, disappointment at the reality may unfairly be off-putting. Whereas no picture and therefore no expectations might receive a
more favorable reaction.

So which is the lesser of 2 evils? In my view one should
know what a potential date looks like. And seeing a picture of them helps. But
at the same time one should realize that the picture they were given may not
actually be a realistic one and be prepared to see an entirely different look.
Sometimes better. Sometimes worse. But at least ballpark. So that a picture that
is grossly out of tune with what one is looking for will be a non starter for
them. And yet may well be in the wheelhouse for somebody else. Eye of the
beholder.

I don’t think it is a secret that many a young man will look
at a high school yearbook picture before dating a young
woman he has been set up with. There is nothing wrong with that. I admit I
did that before I started dating my wife.

But when parents start doing that as in the anecdote cited
by Rabbi Hoffman, it is an entirely different ballgame. Because no matter what
they think they know about what their son or daughter is looking for, there is
not a question in my mind that their own biases come into play. Which raises the
question about just how much a parent should be involved in the decision making
process for a potential date. Like asking totally irrelevant –and even irrational questions. Questions like
what kind of tablecloths the family uses on Shabbos.

I know that parents want the best for their children. Their
intentions are good, but sometimes the best thing you can do for your child is
to butt out of his Shidduch decisions. Or better - not be overbearing about them
and allow them the freedom to make their own decisions after some advice. When
parents start asking for pictures, their sense of censorship about who is good
enough for their child may be more of an impediment than anything else. And can
cause many a good Shidduch to never even get a chance.

This is not to say that parents shouldn’t have any input at
all. They should. Responsible parents are obligated to help guide their children.
But they are not obligated to make their decisions for them. And shouldn’t. So
if a child asks you what you know about a potential date, you should give them
honest and complete answers. That’s it. No editorializing. The decision should
be left to your child.

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About Me

My outlook on Judaism is based mostly on the teachings of my primary Rebbe, Rabbi Aaron Soloveichik from whom I received my rabbinic ordination. It is also based on a search for spiritual truth. Among the various sources that put me on the right path, two great philosophic works stand out: “Halakhic Man” and “Lonely Man of Faith” authored by the pre-eminent Jewish philosopher and theologian, Rabbi, Dr. Joseph B. Soloveitchik. Of great significance is Rabbi, Dr. Norman Lamm's conceptualization and models of Torah U’Mada and Dr. Eliezer Berkovits who introduced me to the world of philosophic thought. Among my early influences were two pioneers of American Elementary Torah Chinuch, Rabbis Shmuel Kaufman and Yaakov Levi. The Yeshivos I attended were Yeshivas Telshe for early high school and more significantly, the Hebrew Theological College where for a period of ten years, my Rebbeim included such great Rabbinic figures as Rabbis Mordechai Rogov, Shmaryahu Meltzer, Yaakov Perlow, Herzl Kaplan, and Selig Starr. I also attended Roosevelt University where I received my Bachelor's Degree - majoring in Psychology.