How to Handle the Things that Bug You Most

Last week found me packed and ready to begin a long-awaited trip to Panama.

We’d been counting down the days for months. When the day of our departure finally arrived I woke up early, ran a few errands, arrived back home with a blustery flair…and found hubby sitting in the living room, a pale look on his face, speaking to someone on the phone.

I don’t remember his exact words to the person on the other end, but they were panicked and rushed and went something like this:

He didn’t look at me as he said it all, probably because of what he was pretty sure he’d see: the rising temper of a person who was about to go absolutely ballistic.

I can’t lie. I was pretty close. After all, we’d been through this before and my reaction pretty much fit that description. (Don’t believe me? Check out my post describing an unfortunate airline incident from about two years ago: Lessons Learned from a Major Meltdown)

This time, however, I took a different approach.

I walked away. Literally.

For those of you who know me and might be surprised by this response…I assure you there is no imposter behind this blog post.

Here’s what I figured out.

Every single one of us has a set of triggers…a series of things that really bug us. They are circumstances, people or words that cause us to lose our tempers, to become panicked, defensive or enraged.

We’ve all got them:

Some of us can’t handle being told what to do – especially by someone we feel is less experienced or intelligent than we are.

Some of go absolutely crazy when we hit that long, drawn-out red light right by the office. Again.

Some of us see red when a particular family member asks us if we’re working on losing that “extra padding” gained over the holidays.

(Families, it seems, can often make an art form out of trigger-creation)

Some of us even do it to ourselves. We wake up and see an extra gray hair or a new scratch on our bumper and let it ruin our day – and the day of those around us.

Triggers are targeted little barbs that cause us to react quickly, without thinking, and in ways we regret later.

Great leaders know this, and so they’ve figured out just what (and who!) their triggers are so they can handle them with professionalism and grace when the time comes. Which it always does.

The rest of us are still working on it. While I don’t have it all figured out, I can share the one trick I have learned…the one I use the second I become triggered.

I walk away.

Even if it’s just a few steps or to another room down the hall (I admit it – I actually find the bathroom to be a very handy venue for this purpose.) I take a few breaths. I shut my eyes, give myself advice, remind myself about the person I want to be before I open my mouth.

I ask myself how I might truly get what I need from the situation, and acknowledge that losing my cool probably won’t get me there.

Now…some of you may have some arguments with my seemingly simple and perhaps naïve solution. Let me address them now:

Walk Away Argument #1:

But Deirdre, aren’t there times when you can’t walk away because you need to handle the situation? And sometimes don’t you need to be a bit more assertive anyway?

Answer:

Sure there are. If hubby hadn’t been there to handle the cancelled flight I would’ve had to do it. But I still would’ve needed to take a walk before dialing the phone, to chill out the frustration the trigger had caused – and to think through the carefully balanced words (not too strong, not too weak) I’d use to get to the end result I wanted.

Walk Away Argument #2:

But Deirdre, aren’t there times when you can’t just walk away…because you can’t physically walk away?

Answer:

Sure there are. But even if you’re trapped in a room when your brother walks in and comments on your “hippie shoes” you can still take a mental walk. You can still shut your eyes, acknowledge that you’ve been triggered, and carefully choose your own next words. A few physical steps are best, but sometimes we must improvise.

This isn’t about walking away and giving up control. This is about walking away to be in control…to control your own life, to be the person you want to be, to refuse to let your triggers get the best of you.

The trick to all of this, of course, is paying attention to what (and who!) your triggers are.

Notice what (and who!) really bugs you…what causes you to fly off the handle, to get scared or defensive, to react or behave in a way that isn’t true to who you are.

Once you’ve got your triggers figured out you can plan ahead on how to handle them…what to say and do when they come.

The first step? Walk away. I promise, you’ll be glad you did. Because you’ll get to a better outcome…and you’ll be proud of how you did it.

I was. Especially when hubby arrived in the next room and told me he’d gotten us on a new flight…with better seats. Problem solved. And I didn’t have to say a word.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

This week…

Think about what (and who!) triggers you. Notice what causes you to react. Figure out how to handle them before they come.

Deirdre, thank you for the most practical, useful advice in making our lives more pleasant. I particularly like the mental walk away with the intent of being the person I want to be. Love the picture of you and hubby!

Deidre, thanks for the practical tips on this tricky issue! I know that putting myself in “time-out” at times has certainly helped me get a grip on what response (vs. reaction) I want to have to a situation. And often as you say, the situation will actually take care of itself if we don’t get tangled up in it! Hope you had a great vacation!

I have been trying to pay more attention to this too. When I know something is coming that is going to drive me crazy I prepare my mind to stay in control where I would normally go a bit ballistic. Hope you had a great trip!

Love the post! Cartman is definitely the right image for the impending temper tantrum! 😉 I am seriously wishing I had read this about 3 hours earlier as I was spoiling for a fuss. I am looking forward to inserting a few mental steps (or breaths) between rising crankiness and what comes out of my mouth. Looking forward to hearing about the trip!

Thanks for your great comments, Heidi…and I’m glad the Cartman image worked (I originally had a different image but changed it out when I found our cartoon friend). Best of luck with your mental steps/breaths…easier said than done, I know!

No doubt about it. It’s an uncertain, scary time. Social distancing has many of us feeling isolated. News stories filled with speculation have us scared and confused. The every-side-is-doing-it blame …