“Keep your legs together, keep your legs together,” I kept chanting in my head as the police car rolled up to my window. My vape pen was discreetly tucked between my thighs to stay warm, but the tip was visible if I wasn’t careful. Dammit. I had been cruising blissfully down empty two lane highways, trying to navigate with my phone and map, and getting totally lost as usual. My windows were down, the stereo was cranked, and I pulled over into a wide gravel turnout to try and figure out where the hell I was. Summer road construction and detours had made a mess of things.

I was bent over the map, lost in the music when I heard the siren. I thanked God/Goddess/FSM/BSOC again for the invention of the odorless vape pen and my reduced cannabis usage these days. If I’d been road smoking like I used to – holy crap it would have been a different story. I still had a massive jolt of shock to look up and see flashing lights and a police car behind me. I held up the map, made a universal gesture of “Lost?” and he pulled up alongside me. I was so embarrassed that I could barely speak, could only point to where in the map I wanted to go – he laughed and gave me directions. I guess I fit the stereotype – I was in a dress with jewelry, looking all girly and stupid.

I have mixed feelings about using THC. On one hand, it’s been lifesaving for the panic attacks when used in moderation. It helps immensely when I’m hyper and need to get out of my head a little bit. It’s been useful to numb the fear so that I can get out and live my life, do fun things. It lets me step out of crippling social anxiety and depression and switch to giggling and mountain biking, as a great example. On the other hand, it’s a drug and there’s all the stigma attached to that. Of all the possible choices though, I could have done much worse. I’m just profoundly grateful to not be on the horrible antidepressants anymore – depression and PTSD are going to hurt no matter what I do or take, so I have to always work on coping skills and other ways to manage. Weed has been a useful tool for parts of the journey.