7 Frontrunners for the 2048 Presidential Election

The president of Mrs. Hander's kindergarten class in Iowa Valley Elementary School has been the clear favorite for months, and it's easy to see why. She can already point to more accomplishments than any of her competitors--extending naptime by six minutes, not crying during her inaugural address--and her firm belief that girls should not kiss boys until they stop being yucky should help endear her to values voters in the Iowa caucuses. Still, she's not quite the inevitable nominee yet, as factors ranging from an alleged shady deal with the third graders for exclusive sandbox rights to puberty could threaten to derail her campaign.

The Ohio fifth grader's foreign policy credentials are a little light, but Democrats may be willing to overlook that due to her membership in a still amorphous new minority group that will probably coalesce into a political force sometime around 2036.

Pembroke should do well in the crucial early primary state of New Hampshire, given that he was born there four years ago and has yet to leave. He polls strongly among suburban mothers based on his ability to make them feel as though their lives have meaning. However, he could run into trouble among the older brother age bracket, at least one of whom believes the country was better off before Jimmy came along and started making him share the PS4.

His aggressive and successful leadership during Springfield Middle School's annual capture the flag game makes Willbrooks a virtual lock to win support from the Republican Party's foreign policy hawks. However, an unfounded but persistent rumor that he fingered Bethany Chapin at the victory party despite telling Jamie Stewart he would be her boyfriend two days earlier could hurt his support among social conservatives.

Assuming Chris Christie wins in 2016, and assuming a weak economy propels Andrew Cuomo to the presidency in 2020, and assuming a huge upsurge in patriotism following the outbreak of the Chinese-American War sweeps him to a landslide reelection in 2024, and assuming an embarrassing defeat at the Battle of Shanghai causes a fed up public to elect Rand Paul in 2028, and assuming he honors his pledge to serve one term and hands things off to current College Republican National Committee Chair Alex Smith in 2032, and assuming virtually all of her top administration officials are indicted under the Thrivner Scandal leading to three straight terms of Democratic rule, and assuming a drink called "Pepsi Bold" is invented at some point in the early 2040s, things could look very, very good for this 13-year-old Californian in 2048.