I recently caught an episode of the true crime show “Evil Lives Here” on the ID channel. The episode was an interview with Debra, the ex wife of The Truck Stop Killer, Robert Rhoades. He is suspected of raping & murdering over 50 women from the mid 1970’s to 1990.

His ex wife mentioned how he was very particular about how she dressed & would tell her what to wear. She told the story of how one night he told her to wear a particularly sexy outfit so they could go to dinner. He failed to mention it was at a swinger’s club. He continually pushed the swinging issue even though from that night at the club she told him that wasn’t an option. He told her she was immature & “No other woman would feel this way” about it.

Her story horrified me because that is almost exactly how things were with my ex husband. He wanted me to look & dress a certain way. He also wanted me to participate in some sexual activities that I refused to do, then told me that “no other woman would feel that way about these things.” I also remembered how at the time of our separation, he was becoming quite fascinated with weapons & there were signs he had a real potential for violence. This made me thank God for getting me away from him safely!

This also made me think of the signs that a romantic partner is dangerous that he displayed. No doubt other narcissists display those same signs, so I thought I would share some of them today.

In the beginning, things are good, then suddenly they aren’t. In or out of the bedroom, the person you’re involved with wants to please you. Then suddenly, they lose interest in working so hard to please you. No explanation or evidence of why, they simply stop.

When the narcissist stops wanting to please you, & you ask what changed, they act like (or say) you’re imagining things or you’re crazy. They claim they haven’t changed, so since you think they have, obviously something is wrong with you. This obviously makes you very confused & willing to do what you can to please them so hopefully they’ll want to be that great person they were at first.

The narcissist wants you to look a certain way when you have sex. Many people want their partners to wear sexy lingerie, which naturally isn’t terribly uncommon. What is uncommon is how some narcissists pretty much demand it.

The more time progresses, the more unusual the sexual proclivities of the narcissist become. At first, the sex is pretty normal. Nothing really kinky. Then little by little, they try introducing new & more deviant things. The desire to have sex more often happens as they become more interested in these more deviant behaviors.

When you refuse to participate in the desired activities, the narcissist shames you. As I mentioned earlier, my ex would tell me that no other woman in the world would feel about doing what he wanted to do as I did. They also may call you immature, oversensitive, close minded & more.

If the activity causes you physical pain or risks your health, the narcissist won’t care. Since all that matters to a narcissist is what they want, if their desire causes you physical pain or puts your health at risk, that won’t matter.

No is never an option. If you’re sick, tired or simply not in the mood, that won’t be important to a narcissist. They want what they want, when they want it, & nothing else matters. I remember my ex punching walls when I was sick & told him I wasn’t in the mood.

Forcing sex isn’t too low for a narcissist. After all, what narcissists want is all that matters to them, so they have no trouble using physical force, manipulation or guilt to get whatever they want.

If your partner exhibits such behaviors, these are big red flags! Please protect yourself & get away from this person as soon as you possibly can! You deserve to be treated better than this & to be safe!

It's very scary! You aren't a violent person & to get you to feel that way took a LOT. I get it.. been there myself. It's terrifying to feel like you want to do someone real physical harm when that is the polar opposite of your personality. It goes to show how evil these people can be

The really terrifying thing while I was watching that show was that I saw so much of myself in so much of what she did to herself: The second-guessing; the self-doubting; the "Maybe I SHOULD try something different / It's not really THAT big of a deal / Everyone has their little quirks" and the like.

The good thing about it, though, was that it further reinforced how Not-Ready I am for a relationship. I also finally Got It about why my friends were so frustrated with me when I kept taking up with the men I did.

Most of the episodes of “Evil Lives Here” affect me this way, but there was something about this particular one that hit me harder than most.

Every time I watch the show, I sit here telling myself, “REMEMBER this feeling!”

That show can be so hard to watch sometimes, can’t it? Aside from it being fascinating in a morbid way, it’s tough to watch sometimes & yet validating too. That episode showed me yea, it really WAS bad, even though no one (including me sometimes) seemed to think it was at the time.

The last romantic relationship I had was 20 years ago. He was nice and presented himself as being “down on his luck”. I believed him. I let him move in with me. I let him my social circle. I got him a job where I worked. Etc, etc.

But then the love bombing stopped. Desperate, I went through his things. I found a “Will” he had written from the perspective that he had committed suicide. He mentioned everyone in his world in nice ways. It was something he wanted read at his funeral.

Suddenly, his fascination with the movie “It’s My Party” made sense to me. He was fantasizing about a funeral where people idealized him.

But it was also a revenge fantasy against his ex. Like now that I am dead, you will have to feel bad.

As I read this note, I had an immediate wake-up call. I knew he would NEVER, EVER, EVER kill himself. So that never crossed my mind. Not once.

So I said I wanted to break-up for other reasons. Got him out of my house for “normal” break-up reasons. etc.

Flash forward about 7 years later –
He and a newer partner living in Texas.
The new partner “commits suicide”.

The official story is murky.
But here is the best I can piece together:

They had fought loudly the night before.
The dead guy went to sleep in the computer room
The dead guy typed a suicide note on the computer
He did not print it out
He did not sign it

And then,
The dead guy put a bag over his head

A neighbor had called the police the night before when she heard the loud fighting,

The police didn’t bother to come until the next day,
After my ex had gone to work.

The police found the guy dead
The police called my ex
My ex came home acting distraught to find his partner dead in the computer room
Even though he hadn’t noticed while he got ready for work

The police immediately ruled it a suicide
My ex immediately had him cremated

The dead guy only had one living sister in another state
She was suspicious, but
She had no financial means to pursue anything.

At work, I was the last to hear about any of this. Friends who had taken my side after the break-up where gingerly and kind. But also said out loud, “We are glad it wasn’t you”

The other “friends”, the ones who had taken his side, were suspicious and started gossiping amongst themselves. And of course it leaked back to me.

My Ex did get the funeral he wanted. He presented it as a party. And the one friend who had taken his side who actually went, later described at as disturbing. Even to me he said this.

So, yeah. Narcissists will kill you if it gets them attention. And funerals are lots of attention.

Well I don’t even know what to say about that! WOW! That seems to sum it up well. Thank God it wasn’t you of course, but still how sad for that other man! How disturbing & suspicious! It’s a pity his sister couldn’t pursue an investigation on his death.

How incredibly unsettling that even the one who took his side admitted to you the “party” funeral was disturbing. You know it had to be bad.

I firmly believe what you said that they’d kill for attention. Funerals are great for attention. What’s better really?

I have an ex who killed his partner as well, but the circumstances are quite different. He wasn’t a narcissist for one thing & for another, he also killed himself. His situation was tragic all around.

A little background.. I met Mike in August, 1990. I was 19 & he was 28. I thought he was ok, but my friend at the time said I should date him so I did. The obedient child of a narcissist that I was. We dated for 3 months. He was determined to marry me & have a bunch of kids together in spite of me not wanting to rush into marriage or have kids. During that time I saw he wasn’t the kind of guy I wanted to spend my life with, & broke up with him to return to my now ex husband (frying pan into the fire). He wasn’t a bad guy at all. He was very extroverted & that exhausted me. He also talked down to me a lot I think because he was 9 years older. Older & wiser, yanno? I had NO clue he was gay or capable of murder, so finding out what happened to him shook me up badly. Not sure what happened since I last saw him in 1990, but he aged badly… guessing alcoholism judging by how he looked in his mug shot. He wasn’t a big drinker when we were together though. I can’t help wondering if me breaking up with him may have sent him on a downward spiral, because I think he did love me as much as he was capable of loving someone.

Thank you so much.. writing this blog & my books has been tough but also freeing. The more I write, the easier it becomes. The fear of being open & family & friends reading my work has pretty much all gone now. Naturally losing my parents helped that but even if that hadn’t happened, it’d still be true. If you ever decide to start a blog or write a book, I’d be more than happy to help you get started or at least be moral support. ❤

He was a nice guy on the surface. I don’t think he was a narcissist or sociopath or anything.. just had a lot of issues.

He was too old to be dating a 19 year old but in all fairness, I was a mature 19 year old too, so it kinda worked in a way.

That’s very true about some church systems, but no, he wasn’t involved in any church. He did say he’d like to start attending one though. I was the one against it. (Just never been a fan of church & at that time I didn’t even believe in God)

It really, REALLY shook me up. I follow our county page on Facebook & saw the headline “shooting in Glen Burnie.” Since my parents lived there, I wanted to be sure they were ok. Yep, they were fine.. Mike though… wow. Seeing Mike’s picture.. another big wow. When we were together, he was pretty attractive. His mug shot looks entirely different. I know it’d been a long time but he looks like he aged about 40 years instead of only 23. The whole thing was very upsetting. Also got me ruminating over our relationship wondering what red flags did I miss? I thanked God too he never found out I wasn’t faithful to him.. that guy & I probably would be dead if he had.

It really does. I’m glad I was sitting when I first learned about this!

He reminded me of the actor Anthony Goldwyn a bit in his younger days. He was the bad guy in “Ghost”. Not the take your breath away good looking but definitely cute.

omgosh yes.. seeing someone age so badly is bizarre! Also makes you wonder what happened.. stress? Addiction??

Actually my ex was worse. Granted, to the best of my knowledge he never killed anyone but by the time we split, he was showing an increased capacity for violence, like punching walls & such when he got mad at me. He also was becoming very interested in weapons of all sorts. When Mike & I were together, he was never as bad to me as my ex. I left him because although I liked him, I just didn’t love him & thought we weren’t overly compatible. Thank God for that now… sheesh..

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