3/17/2010 @ 6:00PM

Separate Or Joint Accounts?

My boyfriend and I just celebrated our ninth anniversary, and as I reflected on our time together, it struck me that we have never fought about money. Ever.

I think it’s because we keep our money separate. We each have our own checking and savings accounts, and when it comes to our joint bills–rent, groceries, vacations, etc.–we split everything in half. We never discussed how to handle our money, it just worked out that way.

It got me thinking how our arrangement differs from other couples’, so I called some of my friends to find out.

Lisa Lyons Lang, an interior designer and real estate agent in Minneapolis, Minn., says she and her husband have separate checking accounts and a joint savings account. “We each have certain bills we are responsible for paying, but it depends on who is making what at the time,” she says. Currently, Lang, who’s self-employed, pays for utilities, groceries, and incidentals, while her husband, who has a full-time job, covers the mortgage and the car payments.

Another friend, whom I’ll call “Barbara,” has a different arrangement with her spouse. He’s self-employed and has a separate business account that pays the mortgage, and the couple has two joint accounts, one for bills and one for discretionary spending. Barbara says this arrangement works most of the time but that she sometimes feels irritated because, in addition to being the sole breadwinner in the family, she also handles all the financial planning and ensures that there’s enough money to pay the bills.

She’s also the one to make sure that all of the bills get paid.

“He abdicated responsibility years ago, and now if he questions how I spend the money I earn, I resent any commentary,” she fumes.

One of the reasons money is such a volatile subject for couples is that they have different money personalities, explains Deana Arnett, a certified financial and senior planning consultant at Financial Planning Services in Washington, D.C. “If one is a spender and the other is a saver, they aren’t going to see money in the same way.”

Couples should discuss how they plan to manage their finances well before the wedding bells ring or the moving vans appear. “Each member of the couple has to come up with their own ground rules. “You have to say, ‘Honey, I love you, but I view my money from 5 to 10 years down the road and not just for today,’” Arnett explains.

Since my partner and I never sat down and had “the discussion,” it’s a good thing that we share the same core values about money. We don’t have expensive hobbies or spend a lot on our wardrobes, and prefer to splurge on travel. Since we both help out family members (see: Funding Family Members) keeping our money separate eliminates the need to explain or justify our actions.

It’s also very important that I have control over the money I earn.

I’ve been working since I was 15 years old, and while I love and trust my boyfriend with all my heart, the thought of losing my financial independence terrifies me.

More women should follow my lead, says Michelle Matson, vice president of Cincinnati-based financial advisory firm Matson Money. “Many women are overwhelmed and just leave [finances] to their spouse, but they are setting themselves up for trouble,” she warns. She notes that 58% of female boomers have less than $10,000 in retirement, and that’s particularly worrisome when you add in the fact that, on average, women live 5.2 years longer than men. And since nearly half of all marriages end in divorce, it’s dangerous to bury your head in the financial sand.

But whatever your arrangement with your partner, Matson and Arnett urge couples to sit down at least once a year to discuss their current finances. “Money is one of the things couples fight about, so the more talk about it upfront, the more you can diffuse problems later on,” says Matson.

My friend Lisa Lyons Lang agrees. “As hard as it is, we are really committed to being very honest with each other about our money and spending. We each have our own different bad habits with money and staying accountable to one through a say, bi-annual sit down, is about as enjoyable as a root canal, but very helpful to us both,” she says.