Mike Polk, creator of the famed “Factory of Sadness” rant against the Browns, has a new video wallowing in the misery of Cleveland fandom. And yet it’s still not the most depressing Browns-related thing of the day. That would be the news that a 22-year-old stabbed his father outside of a Buffalo Wild Wings in Ohio after the two finished watching the Browns lose to the Giants on Sunday.

Surprisingly, the stabbing was related to a wager of some sort and not a old man’s desperate wish for the sweet release from Cleveland sports fandom.

— Jay Cutler has apparently taken up gardening. Growing his own catnip, no doubt. Think of the yearly savings over going with the cost of store-bought kind.

— Matt Slauson, the Jets lineman who knocked Brian Cushing out for the season last night with an uncalled cheap shot away from the play, was quoted last year saying that Ndamukong Suh needs to be brought under control because he’s a dirty player. Oh, the ironing! In other news, everyone hates Matt Slauson.

— The Sex Cannon is distraught that he wasn’t allowed to unleash the dragon after RGIII got hurt. He wasn’t even asked to dress for the game, which isn’t a problem since Sexy Rexy would just prefer to play naked anyway.

— Meanwhile, the Redskins have apparently grown tired of Billy Cundiff Cundiffing all of his kicks and have brought in possible Jedi Kai Forbath for a tryout.

— Lilit Avagyan, the girlfriend of Reggie Bush, is pregnant. Reggie said he hopes it’s a boy because if it’s a girl, he’s going “straight to the gun shop to buy some guns.” Good thing he’s on the Dolphins then. I’m fairly certain that Florida law permits for shooting any of your daughter’s boyfriends without cause.

“What is Minnesota’s secret? The Vikings threw out complex schemes and went simple.”

Gregggggggggggggggggggg THREE PARAGRAPHS LATER:

“Then there’s the profusion of coaches. The Vikings employ 22 coaches, most in the NFL. Having 22 coaches sounds like having five girlfriends — way too many to juggle. Players couldn’t possibly relate to 22 coaches, while the coaches would engage in busy work by drawing up ever-more-complicated plans, in order to justify their presence.”

Honestly, at some point I stopped pining and angsting about how much the national media overplays both the Cleveland is sooo suffering! and Cleveland is sooo petty and jaded! mantras, dry humping both dead horses to double death while contradicting themselves. At this point I just laugh. Now it’s all just entertainment, which is good, because my sports teams are more like a job.

Nah, the weak ones weed themselves (or, apparently tragically their parents) out, leaving a city full of people so resilient we’ll be chillin’ with the cockroaches, tanning in the radiation, after the bombs are done dropping.