How to End a Narcissistic Relationship? 10 Steps How to End it!

A relationship with a narcissist is like a tornado- a whirlwind of abuse, mind twists, blame, criticism and disapproval. It leaves you feeling like you are walking on eggshells. The person you fell in love with was a fraud- you saw only the mask that they wore. Now that you have realized he (or she; I will continue to use “he” to simplify things) is a narcissist, you also realize that he is a liar with no conscience and that he loves only himself. It is hard to admit that he has never really loved you, but you need to understand he is incapable of loving anyone other than himself. He has damaged your self-esteem and confidence and your feelings of despair, loneliness and anxiety have all increased. He probably has you questioning your own sanity. However, you CAN leave the narcissist and this unhealthy relationship. You NEED to leave the relationship to regain your own mental health and the joy you used to feel.

A narcissist will only be concerned with his own thoughts and needs; he has not, and will not, be concerned with your needs or your feelings. It is much better to end a relationship with a narcissist, the sooner the better, rather than letting it drag on. It will only drag you down farther and cause more psychological harm.

10 steps to end it

If at all possible, go to a therapist or support group BEFORE you end the relationship. Use the therapist or support group to learn what you can do and say, as well as the characteristics in yourself that make you a narcissist’s victim. Most women’s advocate groups and domestic abuse shelters can give you good references if you don’t know where to turn. Even if you have not been physically abused- you have most certainly been emotionally and verbally abused. Note: if you are still with the narcissist, he will do everything in his power to discourage you from going. He will attempt to embarrass you, accuse you of being crazy (he will say that’s why “you” need therapy), disrupt your schedule so you can’t make the appointment or meeting-and so on, to prevent you from getting outside help. The more he does this, the more you can be certain you do need the help, and the more determined you should be about getting it.

GO QUICKLY to avoid abuse once you have made the decision to leave. Don’t argue, disagree, explain or blame- you cannot win. He will reject your view point as he has always done. He will twist your words and make you doubt what you are doing. The narcissist will see your leaving as the ultimate betrayal. Make short, neutral statements (like, “you could be right” or “I don’t want to discuss this any further”)-and keep repeating the. Don’t fall into his trap of arguing or trying to explain.

PREPARE YOURSELF during, and after, leaving for brutal, aggressive retaliation. He may easily fly into a narcissistic rage when he feels abandoned. He is likely to accuse you of using him, abandoning him and financially “taking” him as he actually does those behaviors to you. The narcissist is capable of rage and retaliation for any slight (imagined or not), so despite your own anger or need to prove him wrong- do NOT challenge or provoke him.

DO NOT ANSWER the door if he comes to your house, do not respond to texts, phone calls or emails. Communicate only when you absolutely have to, and do so through the use of a third party.

SURROUND YOURSELF with understanding friends and loving family. If you have been living together- separate bills, assets, and property as soon as possible to end reasons for contact. Change all passwords, establish separate accounts, and consider shopping at different stores, etc to avoid running into him.

THROW AWAY, donate or sell any keepsakes that remind you of him; this will help you detach from him.

CEASE ALL CONTACT in order to get emotionally strong and healthy. Make a list of the criticisms and put-downs that he used to say—TODAY– and then disprove each one with a positive statement about you. For instance, if you wrote, “he said I’m an idiot”-counter that with, “but I am smart!” Or “he said I was ugly and no one else will love me”, counter with, “but I have friends and family who love me, and there are lots of fish in the sea-there are more people out there to love me”.

GET COUNSELING or join a support group if you didn’t already do so.

FIND NEW FRIENDS and new “non-romantic” relationships. You will find that all kinds of genuinely nice people will come into your life. Join a class or a group that interests you-it doesn’t have to cost money- just anything that will bring you into the company of new people. Rejoice in having an active, normal social life without that dark, black cloud hanging over you.

GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO GRIEVE. Don’t jump right into another relationship. The quicker you enter into a new relationship, the higher the likelihood that it will be with another narcissist or another personality disorder. You have a lot of healing to do; there has been a lot of psychological harm done. So take the time to grieve, to mourn the loss, and to heal. Give yourself time to learn to love yourself again and the time to relearn how lovable you are to others.

Alex Graduated in Neuro-Psychology at the University of Amsterdam. He worked a few years in a nursing home where he specialized himself in neurodegenerative disorders (alzheimer, parkinson), Personality Disorders and Emotional disorders (depression). Now he specializes in sharing his knowledge on public websites. View all posts by Alexander Burgemeester »

12 Responses to “How to End a Narcissistic Relationship? 10 Steps How to End it!”

I have a severely autistic son that requires nothing but work and patience. Just that alone leaves me exhausted and he’s so severe that it’s hard to find any respite. Also, my husband drained me of every dime I had and keeps all of “his” money from me (he can’t trust me). I’m completely trapped and so is my son. My son’s behavior becomes worse every day because he doesn’t have a whole mother.

I was told to go into a refuge and leave everything I had worked so hard to build behind. I refused of course and am still living with the npd. I am now selling my home and planning on moving away leaving my 2 older children ( thank goodness they are now old enough to stand on their own two feet ) . I am setting them up in a rented flat . It’s taken me 8 long years to be ready. Of course the npd knows nothing of my plans , blissfully unaware that once the home is sold I am running. It’s the only way I can see to get out , I’ve tried everything else. I really feel your pain having younger children as it’s been like a living hell for me for so long , sadly their is little help and equally as little understanding for people who has children and lives to survive

Really good advice! Really tough if you have kids and can’t have ‘no contact.’ I remember reading somewhere that the best thing to do if you have to keep contact is to make yourself as boring and uninteresting to the NP as possible. Give no emotion, not in a cold way but in a boring way. Don’t get personal stick to the matter at hand such as arrangements for the kids etc. If he asks about what you’ve been up to keep it mundane “not much, just working” etc. It might be hard not to want to prove something to someone who has always made you feel worthless but your safety or sanity could depend on it.

Meg, I agree. It is best to keep conversations “light” with a narcissist (if you have to be in contact with one for whatever reason). The weather is also a good topic, in other words, something bland and boring. If we go into any detail about our lives, it will give them something to “feed” on. Even saying we went shopping at the mall, or went on a week-end trip could give a narcissist fuel for an outburst about spending money, (even if it is not their money, as they tend to financially over-reach into other people’s lives). In addition, narcissists don’t like other people to enjoy “perks” in life, and they will be critical of us for taking time for ourselves.

I decided to break up with the Narc during one of his many silent treatment episodes. I asked him about it and he said he did not know what I was talking about and then exploded to his usual insults and making me look like I was a crazy nag…I told him off and cut off all contact immediately, before he could respond. ..FB, Messenger, whatsapp etc He’s rather arrogant so I don’t expect to hear from him any time soon . I feel like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders