5 Ways Stress Can Affect Your Sex Life

01/15/2013 12:12 pm ETUpdated
Mar 17, 2013

couple in bed

Stress. I'm slightly on edge just writing the word. It brings up thoughts of all of the things I have yet to accomplish. Of all the resolutions I have (thought about) but not yet followed through with (and it hasn't even been two weeks). After years of managing work, marriage, children and relatives, I can tell you that when I'm stressed, I'm not that pleasant to be around. And when it comes to sex, stress makes your sex life suffer. In fact, stress is one of those weird issues that can not only affect your sex life, but also be alleviated by having sex. So if you want to get rid of stress, why don't you just go have sex? OK, that's all.

You didn't really think that I was going to leave it there, did you?

The effects of stress are insidious. It takes a toll on your physical, emotional and relationship health, probably more than you realize. Here are five ways stress can impact your sex life:

1. Stress contributes to a negative body image. Bad body image = bad sex.
The hormones produced in association with stress can impact our metabolism. If we feel sluggish or if we gain weight (unintentionally), it can make us feel badly about our physiques. If we don't like our bodies, it is pretty difficult to find the desire to shed your clothes and jump into bed with your partner. Now, I am not suggesting that you should just get it over with, but it's a vicious cycle. Lower self-image equals less sex and less sex creates relationship problems. Ideally, our relationship should enhance who we are, not make us feel more stressed. And one of the biggest stressors we can have is our relationship, if we don't take the time to nurture it.

2. Stress takes a toll on our libido.
By now, we know that hormones affect our bodies in numerous ways from childhood to adolescence, pregnancy, menopause and beyond. Cortisol is one of the hormones produced by stress, and you might have heard of it if you've ever seen those late night diet pill commercials with the image of the pixelated woman gaining weight in her abdomen. Our bodies need this hormone, but in small doses for short bursts of time. If elevated levels of Cortisol are being produced for a prolonged period of time, they suppress our sex hormones. Lower quantity of sex hormones equals lower libido.

3. Stress makes us question our relationships and our partners.
As I mentioned earlier, when we are stressed, we are not that pleasant to be around -- and vice versa. You don't want a partner who flies off the handle and snaps at you because he or she is overwhelmed. And you don't want to be the one who incites those feelings of frustration in someone that you love. Who wants to go to bed with an emotional monster? Relationships suffer when we are stressed, especially if we stop communicating. Or if our communication consists of rolling our eyes and grunting at a loved one.

4. Stress can lead to excessive drinking. Excessive drinking makes for bad sex.

It's not a surprise that lots of people use alcohol to escape. I, like many women I know, have been known to long for happy hour -- any happy hour. But this isn't about a glass of wine, a bottle of beer or a drink with one of those smile-inducing hot pink umbrellas in them. This is about excessive, prolonged drinking. More than one or two drinks a day. (And we can even debate whether that is too much.) This is the type of drinking that you probably hide from friends. It may be the type of drinking that begins long before happy hour does and goes on far later. Or it may just be one drink beyond that early, feel-good buzz.

We know that men have difficulty getting an erection when they drink too much. But what about us? As it turns out, alcohol can dull sex, making it less pleasurable. Alcohol dehydrates us, making lubrication challenging. Without lubrication, sex is painful. Without lubrication and sufficient arousal, we can kiss the idea of orgasm (or pleasure in general) goodbye. After a number of pleasure-less or mildly painful sexual experiences, we are not going to want it. Would you?

5. Stress impacts our fertility and our menstrual cycle. When we are stressed, our hormones levels take a dive.

I mentioned stress as a factor in why our libidos suffer when we're stressed. But who would have thought that fertility would be challenged, too? (Yes, I know what you're thinking, if you're not having sex, you're probably not getting pregnant. You're right, but there's more to this -- and besides, not all women are heterosexual, and they try to get pregnant, too.)

Stress can impact our pituitary gland, which controls the thyroid, adrenal glands and ovaries. If our ovaries aren't functioning properly, your menstrual cycle is adversely affected. Our periods may become irregular or we may stop menstruating. (This is called amenorrhea and if stress-related, not a permanent condition.)

If you are trying to get pregnant, you need to decrease your stress. Which (as I know) can be difficult, because there are few things more stressful than trying to become pregnant and not being able to do so.

So it's time to make some changes.
Exercise, relax, take a bath, drink one glass of wine (not four), masturbate (yes, I said masturbate), make out with your partner and delegate some responsibilities to others. It will make 2013 a lot less stressful... and hopefully, a lot more enjoyable.

It's too easy for us women to convince ourselves to settle for less. We're so helpful and accommodating, so eager to please and afraid of rejection that we're quick to give up the things we need, including when it comes to sex.
What we need to see is that doing this will leave us chronically frustrated. While it's true that every relationship requires a certain amount of compromise, going without the things that we really need just doesn't work. We'll end up unhappy in the relationship or resentful toward our partner.
The bottom line is, we need to know what we can't live without, sexually, and what we just can't live with. We ignore these non-negotiables at the expense of a fulfilling sex life.