Hon GERRY BROWNLEE: This summer will be the largest exploration activity ever seen in New Zealand waters.

Hon Darren Hughes: That’s just the Minister on the beach.

Hon GERRY BROWNLEE: Seven offshore wells are being drilled, and thousands of kilometres of seismic data are being shot. In fact, New Zealand is ranked in the top 10 countries for offshore exploration wells. This year we have put in place a seismic data acquisition programme to continue the success. It is a good programme. I know that you do not like us responding to interjections, Mr Speaker, but I just want to say that in order that no one rushes to the beach to save the whales, I will be publishing the dates that I am on holiday.

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This entry was posted on Friday, November 27th, 2009 at 8:23 am and is filed under NZ Politics.
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33 Responses to “Humour transplants needed”

Chauvel’s been getting a bit of a slapping about this on Red Alert, and from his own team as well. Trevor Mallard writes:

“Trevor Mallard says:
November 26, 2009 at 6:21 pm

I used to be a staff member years ago and I would have come down on the other side of the judgement call Charles made. If staff members enter the debate themselves – make more traditional public statements, attack other parties then they are fair game. But they don’t have the house to answer back as we do as politicians. Them being stupid not enough reason for having a go.”

I wonder if Chauvel would complain if someone published a comment that he had made via social media. I guess the old rule of thumb of “Don’t start a fight you’re not prepared to finish” applies here.

Chauvel is a horrible whinning little man – full of his own self importance. He was rightly beated up on the red alert blog yesterday – but such as his arrogance that he will again get bitten by a similar piss-take in the very near future.

I reckon politicians have it easier than comedians. As any comic will tell you, people invariably come up to them and say “Hey, you’re a comedian. Tell us a joke.” But they never go up to an MP and say “Hey, you’re an MP. Tell us a lie!”

The Labour bus is driving by a farm. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The farmer comes out and finding the politicians, buries them.

The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. “So you buried all the Labour MPs?” asked the police officer. “Were they all dead?” To which the man replied, “Some said they weren’t, but you know how they lie.”

Helen Clark, Michael Cullen and Phil Goff were set to face a firing squad. Clark was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given she yelled out, “Earthquake!” The firing squad fell into a panic and she jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Cullen was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and he pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given he yelled out, “Tornado!” Again the squad fell into disorder and he slipped over the wall.

The last person, Goff, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, “I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall.” He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, “Fire!”

After the 2011 election, a Labour MP walks in to WINZ and says to the fella behind the desk “Gotta job?”

The WINZ assistant replies:

“Yes. As a matter of fact, we have something that has only just come in. We have a Billionaire Oil Baron who wants someone to be a Personal Assistant to his 18 year old, Blonde Glamour Model, Daughter. You will be responsible for her modelling assignments, her Lingerie purchases and you will be expected to accompany her 24 hours a day. You will also be expected to drive her around in a brand new Bentley. You will have your own private annexe to the mansion and you will live rent free with a yearly salary of $250,000.”

The former MP looks at the assistant in amazement and says “You’re bullshitting me!”

To which the assistant immediately replied “Well you fucking started it…”

My response to Chauvel was that people who ““work in the highly ideological environment of a Minister’s office or a political party in parliament” better not lose their sense of humour — especially the ability to take the piss out of themselves. They’re going to need it if they want to stay sane for longer than a week.

Must say that these fucking scum bags better not bloody touch my favourite bits of our country, we all ready cut down most of our trees and now have a few pristine places left and thats exactly what they should do is leave them the fuck alone. Why they want to touch them for, for a few extra bucks, fuck of, that ain’t gonna make a shit all difference to my life style of anybody else’s except some rich motherfuckers that are at the top of some shit big corperations.

I do look around mate, i get all over this country alllthe time, i don’t know what the percentages left but i bet you cut down or burn’t 80 percent of what was here originally, naturally teh whole entire coutry would have been trees almost

So a quick search and came out with the figure that only 23 percent of natives still stand.
thats sounds like bloody enough for me, 4 fifths for our pockets and one fifth for mother nature.
Surely any more is wrong.

@menace
Oh.. an angry little man
You could be first to set an example and use no mains electric power. Think of the service you would be doing the trees.
Stop driving in any motor vehicles. They mess with the environment big time.

Lance, sorry mate but you are not addressing any of what i said, the issues you speek of do fit into similar boxs but i wasnt speeking of those.

The production of meat is a bigger problem than cars, and i eat fuck all of it, yet am still strong enough to climb big mountains with my ABOVE AVERAGE SIZE MANS BODY.

And on this subject i do get angry yes, im sure i could bate you up a subject that would do the same to you but im not into attacking inderviduals and that typical right wing arse hole shit that goes on in here.

I wil go of the grid one day too mate, less money i pay for your standards that way, not that i pay fuck all for them as it is, mind you i keep onthe right side of the law at all times.

Mr Chauvel protested that he was not “trawling” people’s facebook pages looking for heresy. I pointed out that he had in fact done this several times, with the same staffer as his target, pointing out in Hansard where Mr Chauvel had read out the staff member’s facebook updates six times.

Mr Mallard then said that MPs receive tip offs all the time.

I responded that the issue was not about Mr Chauvel receiving tip-offs, but his judgement in using material like this as he had done in the past. I said that trying to score political points off a staffer’s facebook profile was a low blow, and Mr Chauvel’s use of it effectively was enabling facebook stalking.

Mr Mallard then deleted my message and banned me for three months. He claimed I had said something that if repeated, would see me banned for good. I’m not sure which point was so objectionable, as I haven’t had a response from Mr Mallard explaining how he took offence.

Menace you idiot, the trees we’re cutting down are the pine trees that we plant for the purpose of cutting them down, and we drop seedlings behind them so they’ll be ready to cut down again. Take a look at some aerial photos and see how much bare treeless land you can find in NZ out in the wops, there’s sweet fuck all. There are trees everywhere.

Murray (3991) 5 1 Says:
November 27th, 2009 at 11:31 am
We’ve cut down most of our trees?????
Get your ass out of your armchair and your head out of your ass menace. This country is bloody empty, there’s no one here and bugger all of it is settled. Youd know that if you’d looked around.

Murray, I dont particularly want to add creedence to menace’s post but where do you think all our farm & pasture came from? Do you think it was always like that? Do you think that Pinus Radiata is a Native species?

I wondered what your ban was for Tim. I got banned by The Standard a few weeks ago for six months for the “slur” of suggesting that the poster “Eddie” was a Labour Party staffer. I didn’t mention anyone by name or gender, even though there has been plenty of suggestion’s as to “Eddie”‘s true identity, nor did I suggest any wrongdoing by “Eddie”. In particular, I did not make any linkage between “Eddie” and the unlawful taking of surplus grog from a certain Christmas party. However the good folk over there decided that I was no longer fit to tie the laces of their sandals.

Oh well; I’m pleased to report that my life has not been unduly affected by said ban

again i was only talking about keeping the last part of nature that we have. not about all the other shit you guys bringing us into…..

23 percent of native forest still stands, that mean we cut and burnt down 77 percent.
I dont think we should intrude anymore on our ative forests, thats what will happen if we start mining th best three areas that are protected atm.

Buggerlugs”Hope you’re walking. Or those carbon offsets will be costing you a fortune.”
If you think its deisel in my deisel tank, dream again buddy!

Her soul arrives in heaven and she is shocked to be met by Phil Goff. “Welcome to Heaven,” says Goff. “St Peter is on sabbatical and he asked me to fill in for him.”

Slightly taken aback, the woman nods. “Now, being a democratic type I don’t like this whole top-down decision-making thing St Peter has imposed,” Goff says, “so I’ve implemented a new system. You get to see heaven and hell, then you can choose where you want to spend eternity”.

“Isn’t that a bit presumptuous?” asks the voter. “Well,” replies Goff, “if my time on earth taught me one thing, it’s that I don’t stay in the top job for very long so I’d better try and change things as quickly as I can.”

“Okay,” says the voter. “So, show me around.”

Goff escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself on the edge of a pristine forest. In the distance some people are working at jobs they clearly enjoy, while others – obviously just finished work – are counting vast piles of money and buying whatever they want. Everyone seems well fed and happy. The only noise to be heard is the twittering of birds and a faint piece of classical music carried on the breeze.

Goff seats her at a table and she is offered lobster, champagne and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is very friendly, appears extremely knowledgeable and reassures the voter that her every need will be personally met by Satan.

They are having such a good time that, before she realises it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven. So 24 hours pass with the voter joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realises it, the 24 hours have gone.

Then Goff says “Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.” She reflects for a minute, then the voter answers: “Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”

So Goff escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. People are dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. In the distance behind the smoke stacks is a WINZ office, with a laughing demon turning away the desperate poor.

The Devil has left for a job at the UN, and over the low moans of the populace the loudspeakers are booming with the whining drone of Charles Chauvel interspersed with the barely coherent rantings of Trevor Mallard.

“I don’t understand,” the voter says. “It was all so idyllic just yesterday!”

“Simple,” Goff replies. “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!”

Menace – who’s “we” – the european settlers arrived to find vast areas bare of trees and a lot of charred remains of centuries old trees killed by the maoris favourite moa-hunting method – torch a valley and wait for the moas to run out.

Nonsense Tui. Absolutely ridiculous. It was a great call and fucking hilarious. I have Green and Labour friends and they post all sorts of crazy shit on FB, but only a complete twat would screen dump it for political gain. It’s a fail, from you and Creepy Charles.