Monthly Archives: December 2016

In the last two years I wrote 741 posts, have 45,045 views, 17,759 visitors, 16,513 likes, 7,331 comments and 1007 followers in WordPress alone. I’ve been nominated for countless awards, especially in the beginning but yet to accept one. All of these are more than I could dream and hope for when I started this blog. I thought nobody would pay attention. I have no niche, my posts are uncategorized, my ramblings like my moods are often dark and out there; in short: not everyone’s cup of tea. But miraculously there are people who find my blog interesting enough to read and even follow, I’m immensely grateful for that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

What I’ve been doing this year aside from blogging… Well, I published three E-books and I am currently writing my first novel and have 71,954 words on paper so far. I still have four E-books to publish next year and the concepts of book two and three of my novel are steadily forming in my mind. I already know where to go, the trick is finding out how to get there successfully and converting the images I see in my head into words that are cohesive and understandable (and of course readable) for other people. I’m inspired, I’m hopeful, I’m determined to follow my dreams and see where it lead me. Happy New year to all and here’s to following our hearts’ desires and let’s not forget to bring our brains with us. We need it to keep our feet on the ground and to talk some sense to us once in a while. Success everyone!

P.S.

I don’t believe in resolution. I will just continue what I’m doing and take it from there one day at a time following my feelings and instinct sharing my thoughts and those of others who move me and tickle my curiosity and see what happens, hopefully something wonderful. I love surprises good or bad but have no expectations so there will be no disappointments. I will continue to try my very best to reach out to the readers and who knows I will find more kindred spirits.

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But you wouldn’t know it because most people feel bad about their struggle, so they hide it.

I have yet to meet a couple who were not challenged to some degree.

As a couple’s coach and relationship specialist, I work with this all day, every day.

If you are married, or you are going to get married, it’s important to read this thoroughly. It may help you be more realistic.

The media and our culture inundate us with misinformation about how relationships are supposed to be. Many of us still think that when we find the one all will be well and they will complete us. Or maybe some of us think a “conscious” relationship means that we somehow transcend our issues, triggers and neurosis.

When we finally do commit to a long-term relationship and the warm fuzzies of the honeymoon stage wear off after six months or a year or two, we finally get to the goods of a real relationship.

One of the first things we discover is that it is challenging.

We struggle, blame, judge and even hate. We shut down, we distance, we run away. We do and say mean things or we just freeze in fear. We do all the things that we did as a child, (but probably don’t remember) or we act like our parents—the thing we’d swore we’d never do. We then suffer because our fantasy of what we thought a relationship was supposed to be doesn’t match our lived experience of the real relationship we are in now.

We discover that a relationship is full of pleasure yes, but that it is also full of pain. It’s not just happy, but it’s sad. It’s not just blissful, it’s depressing. We don’t just experience warm fuzzies, we also experience cold iciness and rage.

Then, we judge ourselves against the one-sided marriage paradigm that was sold to us. We get depressed thinking that perhaps we made a mistake or something is wrong with us. Or, we blame our spouse and hold them accountable for our pain, which is also depressing.

Some of us might feel alone and struggle to tell anyone about what’s really going on, perhaps because we don’t have those kinds of friends. And, even if we did have friends that would accept us in our funk as we fumble through marriage, our culture trained us to hide our relationship struggles so we put on our upbeat face and continue hiding. We unconsciously embrace the game everyone plays in this culture to be a half-version of ourselves.

But when it’s quiet and no one’s looking, we might be courageous enough to look in the mirror and acknowledge that we are in pain, that we don’t know how to get through it, and that we are in unknown territory.

We might take the next step and admit we can’t do it alone, so we finally reach out to someone for help. We might first talk to a close friend, a pastor, a therapist or our parents to get their councel. But often what we receive is not what we need. The most common response we can get is advice, problem solving and fixing—all well intentioned with the agenda of getting us back to “normal,” which translates into getting us back to our happy place.

This lack of validating our experience has us feeling more alone and even stupid. Remember, other people don’t want us to suffer. Our suffering makes them uncomfortable. So, if we are not careful and we want their approval/acceptance, we might abandon our true feelings and take their advice and try to get back to being happy again. But meanwhile under our mask, our suffering ensues.

Next, if we are religious or spiritual, we may look to our texts and self-help books to support us. We might even pray to God to make our suffering go away. We might even meditate and try to pseudo-embrace our pain all the while secretly wanting it to go away.

Yikes!

This entire process is common, normal, and I see it every day.

In my experience as a relationship guide, people finally get into a marriage and have no idea what’s at stake and no idea how to proceed. It’s like being lost in a thick forest in a far away place with no map.

Add kids to the mix, years of financial stress, miscommunication, less and less sex and an inability to do real conflict, and we have a recipe for affairs, divorce and stuck marriages. If we are honest, we finally start to admit we have few to no skills in the long-term relationship department.

The feelings we bottled up or tried to hide begin to leak out, sometimes as a slow drip, and other times as a raging mountain torrent. Or we feel afraid to move one way or the other, so we stay frozen in inaction, unsure of how to proceed. Meanwhile our body bears the burden as we compartmentalize our pain in silence, all the while we get sicker and sicker year after year.

Eventually we start to see that we learned what was modeled to us. We realize there was no relationship class in school. We just digested what was modeled to us.

We look around, compare ourselves to others and think, “they seem like their marriage is great, so what’s my problem?” But remember that under the masks of everyone around you is a hidden layer, a layer they, like you, would rather hide.

When we don’t want to find out for ourselves what marriage is all about and the wild, rigorous, enchanting, painful path it forces us to face, we end up settling on a myriad of outdated and ineffective views given to us by our parents, culture, traditions or teachers. And in doing so, we perpetually avoid the massive opportunity for healing and growth that is staring us in the face day in and day out for years on end.

So, a gentle reminder that when we bought, without knowing it, the old way of relating, what I call “relational ignorance,” we set ourselves up for a big ol’ fantasy-slow-burn-let down. And, when we choose to keep living it this way, it’s supposed to suck.

Marriage is work. A real relationship is work.

It requires skill, a powerful context, embodiment and our rational thinking mind. It requires what I call “relational awareness and literacy.” A real relationship includes all of us, all shades, all colors, the dark, and the light. It’s happy sometimes and it’s sad sometimes. And, many people bail because they keep trying to live a fantasy that doesn’t match up with reality. In other words, the territory doesn’t match the map they were given in childhood.

Relating well then becomes an art, a master skill, to really see relationship as a path to our own wholeness and freedom.

Relationship is what we are all designed for. It’s who we are.

And marriage, if we have the proper view and tools, is an alchemical journey catapulting and demanding us to become all that we are.

But remember, we must say yes to growth and have a willingness to learn how to face all that comes up within the confines of marriage, monogamy and long-term partnership. And, once we do, we’re on our way to marriage empowerment and fulfillment.

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When the world will come to a haltAnd words will be frozen within Feelings halted in dark corridorsEmotions buried in piles of debrisWorld will be shocked to reactHumanity will be jolted to numbnessThese idiosyncrasies’ will have no effect No philosophy will be able to decipherWorld will be shown the truth and futilitySo much hurt, pain, wars and bloodshedWorld will be scarred beyond recognitionAs we hide behind political correctnessWe have already marginalized humanityFrom the deepest cosmic philosophies We may have erred many times and still doLest we find ourselves orphaned one dayThis abode will not be our shelter anymoreLeft deserted, emptiness will reverberateOpportunity lost, we have plundered itNot much of a path is left for tired limbsOur journey of futility and exasperationDisconnected from the cosmic bondsWorld will be a standstill, and time frozen

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Bad things are going to happen.Your tomatoes will grow a fungusand your cat will get run over.Someone will leave the bag with the ice creammelting in the car and throwyour blue cashmere sweater in the drier.Your husband will sleepwith a girl your daughter’s age, her breasts spillingout of her blouse. Or your wifewill remember she’s a lesbianand leave you for the woman next door. The other cat–the one you never really liked–will contract a diseasethat requires you to pry open its feverish mouthevery four hours. Your parents will die.No matter how many vitamins you take,how much Pilates, you’ll lose your keys,your hair and your memory. If your daughterdoesn’t plug her heartinto every live socket she passes,you’ll come home to find your son has emptiedthe refrigerator, dragged it to the curb,and called the used appliance store for a pick up–drug money.There’s a Buddhist story of a woman chased by a tiger.When she comes to a cliff, she sees a sturdy vineand climbs half way down. But there’s also a tiger below.And two mice–one white, one black–scurry outand begin to gnaw at the vine. At this pointshe notices a wild strawberry growing from a crevice.She looks up, down, at the mice.Then she eats the strawberry.So here’s the view, the breeze, the pulsein your throat. Your wallet will be stolen, you’ll get fat,slip on the bathroom tiles of a foreign hoteland crack your hip. You’ll be lonely.Oh taste how sweet and tartthe red juice is, how the tiny seedscrunch between your teeth.

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I was born in a country that is rich in culture and tradition both bad and good. I’ve never been there for the last five years but the last time I came to visit it was difficult not to notice the immense changes that had happened since I left it some thirty years ago. It didn’t come all of a sudden like so many things in life, the changes came gradually, almost unnoticeable till one day you can’t help but staring at it full in the face. The moral and values I grew up with are almost nonexistent and the respect and camaraderie that once held the community together are nowhere in sight. Probably still exist in some forgotten villages somewhere in the mountains where people are not yet fully immersed in a materialistic way of life and commercialism but I doubt it. Social media has long tentacles and they can even reach even those who are innocent of its existence and have no means of acquiring expensive gadgets. There are computers in schools or internet cafes in town and sooner or later they will discover the amazing fantasy land called cyber world and once tasted it can become addictive as in most cases. My beloved country is changing and it’s not for the better, If I had difficulties living there before because of narrow one track minded prejudiced judgmental people who put label on everything according to their limited cranial capacity and understanding and looking down on anything that is not according to their tastes, I cannot possibly live there now.

Being brought up isolated by tyrannical parents and being part of a dysfunctional family who moved a lot I never find where I belong, my roots had been pulled out before they can even have a chance to settle and get hold. We never had a contingency to grow and flourish in a familiar soil. I’ve said these already before If I could reach for something brilliant that would be the home which been denied to me and the presence of the peace I’ve never known. Young as I was when I’ve been forced to marry a stranger and joined him in his country so my family can better their lives, my genetic make up is already set and hardened, no amount of foreign influence can change my true nature, I still crave a gypsy existence and the total freedom that goes with it. Besides, I could not and will never understand their way of dealing with things, mundane or important. The way they are not able to speak the truth and their thoughts and show their real feelings, hiding the dirty laundry inside although it’s already stinking too much in there, they rather suffer and not breathe as long as they can keep up appearances and retain (in their mind) the polished image they value and worship.

Another thing I cannot understand about my new surrounding is the people rarely smile (unless they are intoxicated) big houses and even bigger cars and every morning I encounter them in the streets they all look like they are just about ready to murder anyone given a slight provocation. Aren’t they happy with what they have?

No, I still didn’t find the place where I truly belong. I am so much individualistic to belong to any group especially if they consist of women whom aside from the obvious I have nothing in common with. My interests lay somewhere else most of them are never been because it is not glitzy enough. Like I said in one of my recent posts:

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You cannot outrun your past no matter how hard you try… it has the funniest way of sneaking back at you when you’re not looking… poking its ugly head when you least expecting it… kicking you hard from behind reminding you that you are who you are… there is no way of escaping that.

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Are you reading this whilst you are happy? God, I hope you’re happy.
You’ve been through so much, are you even still around to read this?
God, I hope you are.
Pain is never easy, is it? Relationship breakdowns, heartache, emotional and mental trauma. Yes, they’re the features of life.
But god, I hope you’re leading a better life.
Is that constant pain still there? That one that hasn’t seemed to have left your chest for so long?
God, I hope it’s not.
Do you look in the mirror everyday, and like the person staring back? Are you confident?
God, I hope you are.
Do you cry a lot? Better yet, do you cry as much as you used to? And when you do cry, are they happy tears?
God, I hope they are.
Have you found someone to love you just as you love them? Do they treat you right?
God, I hope they’re great.
Do you still write? If so, do you ever write about positivity?
God, I hope you do.
Are you still kind? Do you smile always?
God, I hope it’s genuine.
Are you reading this whilst you’re happy?
God, I hope you’re happy.

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THE PAINT IN CHURCHES GETS WORN AWAY QUICKER THAN IN OTHER BUILDINGS. I THINK IT’S THE FRICTION OF THE SOULS. THEY GRIND THEMSELVES AGAINST THE CEILINGS AND WALLS.

IF I COULD REACH FOR SOMETHING BRILLIANT, THAT WOULD BE THE HOME WHICH BEEN DENIED TO ME AND THE PRESENCE OF THE PEACE I'VE NEVER KNOWN...

Why I write

I write to exorcise some ghosts (there are plenty) to make peace with my past, to keep sane, to let skeletons out the closet and occasionally let them dance naked, to vent. I write because I don’t know any better.

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Healology

“Growing up, I always had a soldier mentality. As a kid I wanted to be a soldier, a fighter pilot, a covert agent, professions that require a great deal of bravery and risk and putting oneself in grave danger in order to complete the mission. Even though I did not become all those things, and unless my predisposition, in its youngest years, already had me leaning towards them, the interest that was there still shaped my philosophies. To this day I honor risk and sacrifice for the good of others – my views on life and love are heavily influenced by this.”

― Criss Jami

Musing

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

“I have this strange feeling that I’m not myself anymore. It’s hard to put into words, but I guess it’s like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling.”

- Haruki Murakami

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

what are you afraid of?

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The art of dancing

Kindred Spirits

Introversion

“...I also believe that introversion is my greatest strength. I have such a strong inner life that I’m never bored and only occasionally lonely. No matter what mayhem is happening around me, I know I can always turn inward.”

what i’ve been doing…

We were born to be free, to expand our horizons by going where we have never gone before, and not to hang out in the relative comfort and safety of the nest, the known. There is a place within us that is courageous beyond our human understanding; it yearns to explore beyond the boundaries of our daily life.

- Dennis Merritt Jones

Once I had started my solitude, I realized anew that it was easy for me to become accustomed to this state and that the most effortless existence for me was in fact in one in which I was not obliged to speak to anyone. My fretful attitude to life left me. Each dead day had its charm.

- Yukio Mishima

It well may be,
That we will never meet again,
In this lifetime.
So let me say before we part,
So much of me,
Is made of what I learned from you.
You’ll be with me,
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have re-written mine,
By being part of my life…

I'm Michelle. This is my blog. I write about women and fatness, expound upon semi-coherent thoughts I have in the middle of the night, and offer tough love to those in whom I am disappointed; they are legion.