Peter Chianca: Cheese come undone

Wednesday

Jun 23, 2010 at 12:01 AMJun 23, 2010 at 10:19 PM

Every so often, if you’re lucky, something comes along that provides a moment of clarity, that makes sense of the nonsensensical, that bursts through the gnawing doubts that plague your life. For me, that happened the other day when I came across the following headline: “Cheese can be as addictive as morphine.”

Peter Chianca / Best of Chianca

Every so often, if you’re lucky, something comes along that provides a moment of clarity, that makes sense of the nonsensensical, that bursts through the gnawing doubts that plague your life. For me, that happened the other day when I came across the following headline: “Cheese can be as addictive as morphine.”

Well, that explains everything.

I’ve always thought my attraction to cheese went beyond the simple enjoyment of, say, the ambrosial zing of a good sharp cheddar. After all, doctors — who’ve spent a lot of money on medical school — have advised that I avoid foods that could raise my cholesterol. And yet when I encounter a cheese tray I not only don’t keep walking, I have to resist the urge to dive in head first, like Augustus Gloop in Willy Wonka’s chocolate river.

But as it turns out, I’m not just a gluttonous hog with poor impulse control. Dr. Neal Barnard, president of the Physicians Committee on Responsible Medicine, told the Ananova news service that cheese is addictive because it contains small amounts of morphine from cows’ livers. If that’s true, you think you’d see a lot more people ordering liver and onions, but I’m sure Dr. Barnard will weigh in on that shortly.

The problem has been compounded for me by a very nice woman from my office. Every office has a woman like this — she’s ostensibly not in charge, but if she ever quit, the entire operation would collapse, and management would be left staring at each other around a bare conference table, wondering why there were no bagels as the competition siphoned the gas out of their cars.

Anyway, this woman instituted “Cheese Tuesdays,” during which she puts out cheese and crackers for the assembled workers. Now, if you’ve ever worked in an office, you know that office workers are obligated to attack free food as if they’d just been released from the French Foreign Legion. To say we’re like locusts would probably result in an angry phone call from the attorney who represents locusts.

Combine that tendency with the newfound addictive nature of cheese, and that explains why on the rare day when the cheese is late or — God forbid — nonexistent, you can actually feel business grinding to a halt. People instead take turns poking their noses haltingly into the lunch area, looking for some sign (wrapper, knife, lingering scent of Monterey Jack) that the cheese is coming, and that they’ll soon have the chance to return to their desks, feeling bloated and productive.

I’ve always suspected there was something addictive at work here, a theory now confirmed by Dr. Barnard. In fact, he says that his research could even help overweight people who are suing fast-food restaurants. And just because he’ll probably end up a paid expert, one who’ll testify that cheese can be held responsible for everything from killing your spouse to defaulting on your mortgage, is no reason to doubt his sincerity.

I guess I’m just concerned about where this addiction could lead. For instance, will I someday feel compelled to do what the residents of the Dutch town of Edam are planning, namely, construct a church made entirely of cheese? (Thus giving an entirely new connotation to the word “pew.”)

The Edamites claim they’re doing this for charity, and to celebrate the fact that their town is named after a cheese, or vice versa, but it also makes sense from a practical perspective: You don’t have to paint it, and if it ever goes up in flames, the volunteer firefighters can just bring out the chips and salsa.

Aw, why fight it? Hold my margarita, boys — I’m goin’ in!

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. His original column runs every other week; this “Best of Chianca” column is from 2003. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.

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