Author
Topic: Lets start with a smile (Read 555887 times)

as i get older i realize.. #1 i talk to myself because there are times i need expert advice. #2 these days "on time" is when i get there.#3 lately i have noticed people my age are so much older than me.#4 i have days when my life is a tent away from a circus.#5 i thought growing older would take longer.#6 aging has slowed me down but it Hans"t shut me up.#7 i still haven't learned to act my age..

A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a Manchester bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologise, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want £100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts £100 in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older)

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"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

The son of a cocky from outback Queensland goes off to study Law at university. Not half way through the semester he has blown all of his money on the high city life.

He calls home. ‘Dad, you won’t believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane Uni that will teach a dog how to talk.’

‘Bloody amazing!’ his Dad says. ‘Could we get Ol’ Blue into the program?’

‘No worries, just send him down here with $2,000,’ the young jackaroo says, ‘I’ll get him into the course.’

So father sends down the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. ‘So how’s Ol’ Blue doing, son?’ his father wants to know.

‘Awesome Dad! He’d talk ya bloody head off. But you just won’t believe this. He’s such a brilliant talker, they’d like him to have a go in the reading class!’

‘Read?’ exclaims his father. ‘No kidding! Jeez, I knew he was smart. Can you get Ol’ Blue into that program?’

‘Just send $4,500. He’s as good as in.’

As quick as the money arrives, it is spent.

At the end of the term the young bloke realises a problem…When he goes home for the holidays, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So on the way home he stops and shoots the dog.

When he arrives home his father is all excited. ‘Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to talk with him and see him read something!’

‘Dad,’ the boy says, ‘It all had a bad outcome. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room reading the Wall Street Journal. Out of nowhere he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your dad still rooting that little redhead barmaid from the pub?”

The father groans and whispers, ‘I’ll have to shoot that bastard before he blabs to your Mother!’

‘I already did, Dad!’

‘Good boy!’

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

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"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing. The pilot speaks over the intercom. ‘I’m sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we’re gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne.’

Baggage is thrown out, but the plane’s speed continues to decrease. Again the pilot gets on the intercom. ‘I hate to have to do this, but now we’re gonna have to start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we’ll start with the letter ‘A’.

‘Africans, any Africans on board?’

No one answers

‘Ok then, ‘B’.

Black people, any black people?’

Again, silence.

‘C’ – Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?

Silence.

A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. ‘But Mom, aren’t we African?, aren’t we Black? Aren’t we Coloured?’

‘Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas. Let dem Mexicans and Muslims go first.’

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"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

An Ashton woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'She replied, 'I'm late for work.''Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?''I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.The cop stammered, 'A what?............'A Rectum Stretcher!''And just what does a rectum stretcher do?''Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet''And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge..

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"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

I stopped to pick up a hitch-hiker yesterday.He said "Thanks for picking me up, but aren't you worried that I might be a serial-killer?""Not at all" I replied, "the chances of having two serial-killers in one car must be astronomical."

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"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"