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Partner must recognize that intimacy with friend is hurting you: Ellie

I’m a woman, 38, whose same-sex partner seems to be spending a lot more time with her female co-worker, though she swears the other woman is straight and nothing’s going on.

But I feel they’re having an emotional affair and it hurts me just as much.

I overheard my partner refer to something about her past (a rape by a relative) that she’d once said she could only confide to me.

I felt that’s part of what’s special between us … not just the physical affection, but also the trust and intimacy of sharing secrets.

She keeps insisting that since nothing’s “happening,” then I’m overreacting, and she’s acting angry with me when I’m the one who feels betrayed.

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Excluded and Hurt

Her anger’s the clue that she knows she’s over-involved with this person, emotionally. And that’s a distancing fact, no matter what isn’t “happening” sexually.

Sharing her deepest secret was also a bonding move. Even if that woman had also been raped, it’s more common that your partner would have told you about the conversation they shared, rather than you just overhearing some of it.

If she keeps up the angry pose, it’s a tactic to block you probing further. Tell her you’re not buying that pose. Either she recognizes that she’s hurting you, or you have to rethink your options.

And mean it.

Reader’s commentary:

If I didn’t snoop, I would never have found out the truth. I asked my ex-husband several times during our marriage whether he was cheating on me with co-workers and he always replied no.

He was lying. I needed to know the truth.

And once I did, I divorced him. We were married 25 years.

Successful Snooper

Ellie: Understood. In hindsight, you feel snooping was your only option.

I hear this from many spouses who’ve stayed with cheating partners for years, and then finally found the evidence.

I get it that some don’t want to rock their seemingly comfortable family situation, or they naively think he or she will change.

But I believe that if they’d had the confidence in their own intuition, and in their own value that they not be taken for fools or have their hearts broken, or be at risk of sexual diseases, they would have insisted that the lying end and marital counselling start, or the marriage is over.

That statement, delivered with firm conviction, and bolstered by spelling out what a spouse’s legal rights and financial entitlements are upon divorce, has actually made some spouses reform their ways.

Or it ended the sham of a marriage and the suffering of the betrayed spouse.

In your own case, you suspected this at least several times during your marriage but didn’t take action until you were angry enough to snoop.

Unless the circumstances in some cases are very different, I expect I’ll continue to advise people to follow their gut instinct, and confront a cheater. It can either improve the marriage or give the spouse a chance to improve his or her life and sense of self-worth, by moving on.

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