Videogames Made Kid Turn Out “Alright”

Disclaimer: This is a satire piece. It’s not real, but instead imagine we lived in a world where it was.

If you’ve ever watched Fox News, you would know that gaming is basically the rawest incarnation of the Devil. They believe that if a child plays any type of videogame, they will instantly become a murderer and bomb their local KFC. They do skim a little on the facts, but to hell with that they need something to blame psychotic behavior and mental illness on and what could be better than a virtual thing where you shoot a bunch of people. That’s totally the reason de jour for people snapping and killing a bunch of other people.

In an attempt to highlight this situation, a psychology professor by the name of Jilly O’Reilly and her team set out to study how exactly gaming is affecting today’s youth. The premise of this study was to take a 10 year old boy, let him play violent videogames and wait and see if he decides to make a pipebomb or starts listening to Slipknot, which is totally another cause of violent behavior. The 10 year old boy named Billy was contacted to do this study in exchange for a year’s supply of Pokemon cards and a boxset of Hey Arnold (He thinks he’s a 90’s kid even if he was born in 2003, you see). After the child got a foil Charizard and quote “freaked the fuck out”, they started on the year long study.

In order to ensure a high degree of thoroughness, the team put the child in a dark room filled with satanic pentagrams, a picture of Gene Simmons, two statues of Hitler and locked him in for 9 hours. They went full out giving the child Grand Theft Auto IV, Saints Row, Manhunt, every Call of Duty game, Counter-Strike and a variety of other violent games to play. At all times the room was playing Marilyn Manson in a low volume just to see if the team can kill two birds with one stone.

During the months of testing, Billy played happily and the only time he showed signs of violent behavior was when Roman kept calling him to go bowling and he crashed his brand new sports car into a pole because he was distracted. Frustrated that the boy didn’t respond as they expected, the team upped the ante by giving Billy absolutely horrible games to play and see if he would respond by throwing the TV out of the window. The games given were Ride To Hell Retribution, Blackwater, Farming Simulator and Pimp My Ride. As Billy was playing these games, he walked up to the two-way window and politely asked if he could play something else. When the team refused, he just whipped out his 3DS and played Pokemon for the rest of the session.

The team were fuming at this point because they didn’t get the results they were hoping for. They went to interview Billy’s parents, a happily married middle-class couple. They were shocked at some of the answers given such as: “We teach Billy the fundamentals of distinguishing between reality and fiction” and “We make sure that we stay up to date on the things that he is interested in so that we can properly moderate it and make sure that he is educated on the rights and wrongs of what he is doing” and possibly the most shocking of all “We actually look at the age restrictions.”

The team were frustrated by the concept that this so called “good parenting” hindered their intended goal. Professor O’Reilly was the worst of the lot and started throwing coffee cups at her subordinates and throwing research equipment out of the window. They then sat Billy down for an interview and blasted him with questions. Billy told the team that playing games was a lot of fun to him and it was a good way of relieving stress. He said he becomes calm and free of frustrations when he is invested in the virtual world. The team was also shocked to discover that Billy gained some knowledge about certain things and actually became more intelligent because of the games he played.

In a fit of rage, Professor O’Reilly jumped across the table and started beating the child. She was restrained by the policemen that the team got “just in case he starts shooting the place up” and she is now due for a court date following charges of assault and battery. The rest of the team fled the scene and are now in hiding.

Fox News picked up on the study and said that the secondary exposure to videogames drove Professor O’Reilly to her actions. Because reasons, sources added.