Loving Michael

After the divorce my son broke my heart. But to my surprise, it didn’t shatter. It broke open.

My nest was small but I tended it with great care and my only child – my son – occupied it joyously. But I was unprepared for the challenge when my son, at the ripe age of 14, became only an occasional visitor, a bird that flew briefly in and then quickly out of the proverbial coup.

His dad and I had experienced marital problems before Michael was born. And Michael’s arrival did nothing to ease the strife. After seeing six different marriage counselors, it became clear to me that the marriage was untenable. I became less concerned about the effect of divorce on my son than the effect of his parents’ palpable discontent. I knew it was time to leave.

By the time we legally separated, Michael was about to enter junior high school and become a Bar Mitzvah. Both his father and I wanted sole custody. We also both wanted Michael to have a strong voice in the decision about with whom he was going to live. After several discussions, Michael said that he wanted to live with both parents and was willing to alternate weeks at each home.

My new “digs” was a two-bedroom apartment in a complex that had a playground and an outdoor pool, a mile from what had now become my ex-husband's house.

I have vivid memories of the initial adjustment period, most of which were less than happy. My son, especially in the beginning of our new living situation, was more withdrawn. I could no longer interest him in playing softball together or going swimming. He remained embarrassed to have his friends over to my modest apartment, and hated having to be driven every time he went to their homes. His grades had also markedly dropped.

"Take me home," he insisted. "I don't want to be here."

Michael had audibly keyed me in to his disappointment almost from the get-go. “Another boring week," he often mumbled – although loud enough for me to hear – as he mounted the stairs. I was willing to admit that this transition wasn’t easy – for either of us. But the worst-case scenario – not having my boy with me – was unthinkable. Michael’s attitude could and would change, I told myself in my best self-delusional voice.

But the only thing that time produced was a reckoning. Several months later during one of the weeks at my home, I fearfully paired the words "homework" and "now," a little too often for my son's liking. "Take me home," he insisted. "I don't want to be here."

I felt the pounding in my heart, as I mouthed the first hackneyed and ironic statement that came to mind: “Leaving won’t solve anything. We need to work this through.” Michael responded by putting his packed duffle bag down and calling his father to pick him up.

The next time I saw Michael was several weeks later, back at my home, in the company of his father and future stepmother, to negotiate a new arrangement that would be more to my son's liking. This time – as I encouraged my son to talk – I not only listened, but also fully heard him. My son was unhappy with the current living arrangement. He didn’t like “mom’s place.” He no longer wanted to switch between my house and my ex’s. He wanted to live “at home.”

Michael’s words cut deeply. My mind wandered to the biblical story of King Solomon’s decision. Two women, both claiming the same baby was theirs, asked wise Solomon to act as arbiter. King Solomon knew that the real mother’s first objective was her child’s well-being. In an attempt to discover the real mother, he offered to cut the boy in half. At that point, the real mother was willing to give her son to the other woman, rather than have him die. Through her intent, she had revealed her true identity.

My situation was far less dramatic. When confronted with that ultimate test, seeing – without blinders – my son’s needs and then putting them before my own desire to have him with me, my heart broke. But to my surprise, it didn’t shatter. Instead, it broke open. In that opening I was able to see without self-recrimination, the mixed brew of maternal feelings and personal need and unwanted events and even best intentions. Loving Michael came down to two things: opening the window and fully allowing my son to fly from my nest, and doing everything in my power to create a joyous and loving relationship during the time we had together. Although I couldn’t change the situation, I could change the way I behaved. (I learned from my Jewish studies that feelings often followed behavior.)

If thriving for Michael meant living with his father and seeing me every other weekend and for dinner once or twice a week, it was a done deal. Michael need no longer be cut in half.

Each time I picked up my son, I chose to convey a warm, happy, attitude throughout our time together. It was only after I dropped him off at his home that I allowed the tears to fall.

In time, our relationship grew more open, more honest, and his living situation, less painful for me. While having dinner together, Michael shared parts of his daily life that I had missed out on. We also often spoke philosophically about relationships in general.

At one dinner’s conclusion, Michael nodded circumspectly. “Mom, I think I know the secret to success. It often involves putting another’s needs before your own.”

Yes, my darling, I thought to myself, as I hugged my son close. And that’s the secret of love, too.

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About the Author

Nancy K. S. Hochman has contributed feature articles and essays to The New York Times , Newsday, Hadassah Magazine, B'nai B'rith Magazine, and Na'Amat Woman, among other national and Jewish publications. Her essay, "An Enduring Light," appears in the book: 1 Small Deed Can Change The World, compiled by Nachman Seltzer. Nancy has also taught and tutored English and creative writing for public schools, Yeshivot and educational centers for close to 30 years. She currently heads her own SAT Tutoring company (www.longisland-satprep.com) for which she also serves as an essay writing coach. She is happily married, and both she and her husband are Ba'al Teshuva.. Nancy considers (Torah) Judaism her most favored, – and continuous – discovery. She can be reached at info@longisland-satprep.com

Visitor Comments: 33

(20)
Anonymous,
November 10, 2013 12:36 AM

very moving

i, like your son, moved in with my father and step mother at around the same age as your son did. it was very painful for my mother and she apologized to me many times since then [decades ago] for her behavior. over the years i came to realize that divorce and being a single mother ripped my mother apart and crushed her, so much so, that she was really not able to mother me. i have not had any hard feelings for my mother at all. but looking back it was clearly the right move for me. i can relate very much to your sons choice. may you and he be blessed with happiness, growth and long productive lives.

(19)
Rivka,
November 8, 2013 3:50 PM

Travesty

Shared parenting creates unfair economic balance in favor of the father. The father usually has more economic means- frequently gets the marital home and the children prefer to live where there is more affluence!

We are creating a prejudice toward the father in divorce where it used to be the mothers who got custody-however it is stil primarily mothers who care for the emotional and physical needs of children, A travesty of the legal system! We must change the divorce court custody process to acknowledge the role of mothers and their disadvantaged economic position as a result!

(18)
Anonymous,
November 8, 2013 3:02 AM

Unconditional Love

Thank you for sharing.It helps to know others are going through similar situations. It is true that as parent ' s we must @ times ,overlook our own feeling' s, desires , & be totally & completely selfless ( as long as our children do not want to hurt themselves ). I now believe all the love songs are created for parent' s to their children. I did everything humanly possible to prevent divorce . Now , even I see a positive side to divorce & am grateful for my son ,& myself we are allowed to be divorced. Our children learn how to problem solve , be more compassionate , kind , tolerant , giving ,& unselfish than other children. They learn a work ethic , how to budget, & unconditional love ( it is a miracle that they still love us !). Divorce also prevents abuse , violence , & other unhealthy negative situations . It allows everyone to live more healthy , productive , satisfying lives. And , as adults our children always know there is a alternative , a way out. Divorce actually enhances self esteem &allows people to continue following the Ten Commandments . It is also a very honest way to deal with problems; rather than just " pushing problems under the rug ". Divorce may actually save lives..

(17)
Anonymous,
November 7, 2013 8:03 PM

Wow, so strong

Kol hakavod to your strength and fortitude to putting your son's needs/wants first. You are a true role model for parents out there.

(16)
Anonymous,
November 6, 2013 10:47 AM

We cannot divorce everybody.

We cannot divorce everybody. My divorce hurt my son. We battled over his identity for full custody for 5 years and itscarred us all. IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT WHOM ONE DECIDES TO MARRY. When you are young, you cannot foresee the consequences. YOUNG PEOPLE NEED MENTORS, whether they are grandparents, rabbis, parent(s), to help them with this MOST IMPORTANT DECISION OF THEIR LIVES. We are not only here for ourselves but for future generations as well. WE MUST NOT DATE outside our mission, which is to ensure the future of the Jewish people. In this way we will not be led astray. Two Jews marrying is no guarantee of marital harmony. It takes work and putting the marriage and one another, first.

(15)
rachel stern,
November 6, 2013 9:23 AM

you are amazing!

Kol ha kavod!

(14)
Elissa Grunwald,
November 6, 2013 5:59 AM

Divorce sometimes is necessary: love and let them choose

Children are gifts. They are hurt and often withhold their feelings. Parents do not divorce their children. Forced visitations, loss of their home, future wishes and dreams are lost believed future as a unit. When that unit is unbearable for the family. Peace and calm can be the gift to the kids and growth through honesty and trust. Divorce is the separation of two souls that were put together to create children who in turn teach the parent to grow. Listen to the kids! Empathize.learn and love unconditionally! B'hatzlaca thanks for your words.

(13)
Anonymous,
November 5, 2013 10:26 PM

Why so many divorces...?

I am not judging; I don't know any of you and don't mean to cause additional pain. I appreciate that this writer & her spouse tried 6 different therapists and couldn't resolve their issues.HOWEVER: Leaving aside abuse, I don't understand why so many people divorce. I recoiled to read here that an ex-spouse tried to "poison" the child, only to realize that the term was being used metaphorically. I am a convert to Judaism (some of you will think I'm one of those terrible shiksas who steal Jewish men) and my husband and I have had our share of problems over the years. Sometimes that even included screaming arguments. But I was raised by devout Catholic parents who taught me that "marriage is for life", so even though I was no longer a follower of that religion, the idea that marriage is a lifelong commitment was always with me. Sometimes you're not going to love your spouse. Sometimes you're not going to be lovable. But a lifelong commitment means that, regardless of how either of us is feeling on any given day, we always each define ourselves as a married person, just as we always define ourselves as parents. Did our kids have a perfect, happy-at-all-times childhood? No, but I doubt many kids truly do. And our children, both now adults, have seen that sometimes, even when one is angry or unhappy, the most important thing is the fact that one made and is keeping that commitment. I am an Orthodox Jew, I recognize that every situation is different and there may be marriages which are so toxic to all involved that divorce is the only solution. I also recognize that this website has a general audience and needs to let the divorced know that they are always welcome and loved in the Jewish community. But I wish there would be more columns here that didn't either tell everyone how to have a perfectly happy marriage nor to commiserate with the divorced, but that said, "Staying married -- just do it."

malkah,
November 6, 2013 11:45 AM

the world encourages selfishness

Really the world encourages selfishness, a marriage is about a partnership to serve Hashem. We have personal relationship with Hashem, then we marry and say together we will carry out mitzvot and observe Torah now we have a helper in each other. Nowadays however even we Jews have forgotten that that is the purpose of life. If that were the goal of married couples ther would be a significant reduction in divorce.If it does happen however, the objective should be to allow the child to develop his relationship with Hashem. Selfish custody arrangements don't do that. How would the adult like to live in two homes. I find it so objectionable.

Anonymous,
November 6, 2013 1:57 PM

I agree 100% with the writer here who says that marriage is for life unless one of the 3 cardinal sins is involved.

What courageous replies.By working on ourselves we will improve the marriage.Not easy but Hashem sees all our struggles and I have seen many times that wonderful children come out of homes where people stayed together"because of the children".But staying means self control,not judging anyone but yourself and that means WORK.

Silky Pitterman,
November 7, 2013 9:51 PM

Sometimes divorce is a good thing

Dear Anonymous, in a perfect world, there would be happy marriages and no divorces. The fact that divorce is allowed in the Jewish religion shows that Hashem knows that 2 people can't always live together in a healthy way. That said, today there are too many divorces because people want instant results and don''t want to work on a relationship. This is unfortunately a world where "what do I get out of it?" is heard more that "how can I give more?". We are on this world to improve ourselves. What better way than to learn how to live well with another person? But if it just can't be done, as in this story, and 2 people try very hard, it is better for all to divorce.On another note, since you have converted, you are not "one of those terrible shiksas who steal Jewish men" but you are my holy Jewish sister.

(12)
Anonymous,
November 5, 2013 6:38 PM

KUDOS; SO POWERFUL; VERY EMPOWERING; BRAVO

Yes, G-d indeed runs the world; not teenage children, x-husbands, stepmothers, divorce attornies, family court judges, just G-d up above... Fortunately for Michael, the teenager in this situation, based on this article, there were no "Orders of Protection," "paying off the teenager with hundreds of dollars each week in saved child support by changing custodial arrangements," etc...May the wisdom of King Solomon, and the compassion of the One Above, continue to allow these, & all loving people, to GO & GROW from STRENGTH to STRENGTH.

(11)
Otis R. Needleman,
November 5, 2013 6:20 PM

Being a parent means living beyond yourself.

Was divorced when my kids were 11 and 8. Mother had left the picture prior to that. I got custody of the kids. Never said anything bad about my kids' mother to or in front of my kids. Never kept my kids' mother from seeing the kids, doing things with them, or having them to her place. The children's needs always came first. If you are doing the parenting mission properly you live beyond yourself and put the kids' needs first. However, that doesn't mean you must stay in a toxic relationship.

Leandra,
November 6, 2013 4:15 PM

Mr. Needleman

I wish all parents would act the way you did, you are an example to how people should 'handle' divorce towards their children.You're right, sometimes it is better to have a divorce then to stay in the relationship, but parents have to make sure their children's needs come first in dealing with these emotional things.

(10)
Ruth,
November 5, 2013 5:07 PM

I went through a divorce when my son was 3. He witnessed his father beating me at the end of our marriage. When he was 5 he came home crying because his dad was such a "liar" and was upset as he knew he would "go to hell." I remember wanting to say "yeah, and I'll be there with Pom poms cheering." However, I knew that would be destructive to my boy, not his dad, so with every ounce of strength I had, I snuggled my boy on my bed and through tears, prayed for his dad to learn to be a better man and father. The only way I managed those years was due to a decision to love my son more than I hated his father.

Leandra,
November 6, 2013 8:33 PM

Wow

Ruth, you are one couragious woman! Sorry you had to through all that :(

(9)
jobardu,
November 5, 2013 4:35 PM

These stories violate the null hypothesis

I keep trying to tell myself that it is merely by chance that all posst divorce stories I read in any mainstream media outlet are about women and their issues and problems. Yet I know enough statistics to realize that the probability of the null hypothesis (that the observations are consistent with chance alone) approaches zero. This has been going on for two long and is too complete. Yet men, when surveyed, report overwhelmingly (around 90%) that they have been treated unfairly and disrespectfully in divorce proceedings. The legally mandated loss of a parental role in the lives of the children they have sired is particularly painful, and the wife gets custodial (aka almost total) control over the lives of the children around 95% of the time.

Since most Jewish women are liberal and feminist, it comes as no surprise that Jewish men have become a little gun shy about marriage. Since Aish allegedly is about encouraging intra faith marriages it is surprising that they don't do more to encourage awareness of a barrier to same and present the view point of divorced dads, if only every once in a while.

(8)
Leandra,
November 5, 2013 1:56 PM

What???

I am a child of divorced parents myself. Looking back i am proud of the way they handled it, they NEVER made my sister or myself choose between them, even though my parents now really hated each other. They made sure we were never, and i mean never, had to hear them arguing after they divorced. A divorce is always painful for everyone involved, and it has traumatized me deeply, even though my parents did their best to be there for me and when we were present, they acted as 'friends'. But you know who the biggest victim of a divorce is? Yes, the CHILD(ren)!!!!! Not mom, not dad, the child(ren). I'm sorry but i can't believe you and your ex made your son choose between the 2 of you, you and your ex husband should have worked something out together, and not ask your son "where do you want to live?" Because that is just horrifying for your son, to have to choose between 2 people he loves dearly and who should have protected him as much as possible in this divorce! Sorry if i seem harsh, but i know from experience what it's like when your parents divorce and mine never made us choose between them. I was already traumatized by it, let alone a child who does have to choose :'(
But lastly, i do want to wish you, and your son as well, all the best. Believe me, the choice you made in the end? Best decision you could have made for your son and he will be grateful for it when he's older ( he probably already is) and it eill make your bond with him a lot better!

Diane,
November 6, 2013 2:13 AM

Leandra, Thank you for giving your perspective

I am glad to hear from a child of divorce. You are right that the child(ren) are hurt so much from the situation. Many cases, though, children witness the fights and that can be just as harmful. My son witnessed his father breaking an ashtray on my neck. He witnessed his father's abuse towards his second wife and step sister. No child should witness these things. My husband's parents divorced amicably and neither ever said a bad word against the other. His problems stemmed from his parents marrying step parents whom he had never met. This led to some nasty family situations, so, it isn't just the original divorce that can lead to problems, but future marriages as well. It seems you have passed Hashem's test with s good understanding. It would be great to be able to help other children and parents in divorce. It might be why my niece is now a marriage and family counselor.

Anonymous,
November 6, 2013 4:24 PM

Diane

Am so sorry to hear how you've been treated by your ex husband! You're right, no child should have to witness something like that, but no spouse should have to endure it either :(My father was abusive towards my mother verbally and i witnessed that too. By the time my mother left my father, she was in the middle of a nervous breakdown and looking back, she was suicidal, yet, the whole family blamed her for the divorce. I come from a strict christian family where divorce is just 'not done', but despite the horrors my mom went through thanks to my dad, she never said anythibg negative about him, and he never did that either.But even now, at age 32, i'm too scared to marry, scared to become a mom and then have a divorce or something because i have already been in an abusive relationship. I don't want my children to have to go through that. Maybe Hashem wants me to stay alone, and if He doesn't He'll make sure Mr. right will come along.I hope Diane, that you're able to be happy again now and I wish you and your family all the best!

Diane,
November 8, 2013 7:23 AM

Do Not Give Up

There is your beshert out there somewhere. My son who went through teo nasty divorces, waited and thanks to Hashem he is happily married to a wonderful woman and has blessed me with two lovely granddaughters.. He is a father to them like his own father never was. His wife is not only great, but she is a fantastic daughter-in-law. It took him a while to find the right one and also was hesitant having been a child of divorce. (His father divorced for the third time after our son's wedding.)Do NOT give up hope Hashem will bring eomeone right for you at the right time. There is a plan. Have faith!Hashem is with you and you will know who is the right one for you. Have patience and in the meantime, be the best you, you can be. You never knowwho you will meet or when.

(7)
Anonymous,
November 5, 2013 1:47 PM

heartbreaking to read

my oldest son now lives with his father, after becoming increasingly verbally abusive (horrible cursing, death wishes) to me and his sibs, and physcially violent (breaking things, small holes in walls) in front of all. Breaks my heart seeing what has happened to this boy with a huge heart, that for now he does as he saw his father do. We don't speak, he has nothing but anger inside towards me and I have no idea why. I stopped trying after the most recent incident, I see that all I can do is pray he finds his way back and away from violent tendencies. In the meantime, the tears do flow privately when my heart gets ahead of my brain and thinks of my son and the turmoil and hurt he must feel inside, but I know that I had to "let go" , especially for the younger siblings still home. Thank you for sharing your story.

(6)
Anonymous,
November 5, 2013 12:51 PM

So Much Pain - - heartbreaking!

Several of my friends have experienced disengagement with their young children due to an ex "poisoning" the child with the ex's hatred for the former spouse. Not only does this totally mess up the kid. . . when those children grow up to be teenagers and suddenly become independent thinkers, they have lots of questions. Suddenly, all that poison works AGAINST the ex who poisoned them, because teenagers realize the truth, and seek to re-establish a relationship with the parent they were denied. And - - they end up rejecting the parent who poisoned them.

Ronda Stoller Wunsch,
November 5, 2013 4:39 PM

Broken Hearts

Unfortunately, it does not always work out with everyone living happily ever after. Some kids become permanently estranged from their parent and their children miss out on knowing their grandparent so sorrow continues.

(5)
Katherine Gordy Levine,
November 4, 2013 6:43 PM

Hearing your child

As a foster mother I soon came to realize most of the teens I cared for were not listened to when it came to where they should live permanently. Sad and foolish. If listened to, as you did with your son ,it was what was needed at that time and almost always best for the child. When it did not work out the kid learned an important life lesson. Thank you for sharing this. I pinned it at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/147141112799163328/

(4)
Diane,
November 4, 2013 6:35 PM

I lost custody of my son to receive my Get

I can really empathize, and your story helped me see what happened in a new light. I was in an abusive marriage in Israel. My son was 6 years old at the time (1983). I needed to get out for my own safety. I was told that if I wanted the Get, I had no choice but to give up full custody of my son. My son had no choice, either. I was so fearful for my life, and had no family and knew that to return to the US, I had to agree. Needless to say, ot was an agonizing decision for me. But, I had to do it. I kept in touch with my son and visited him yearly in Israel when we could stay with me. Eventually, he was allowed to come to the US for visits. His father also tried to poison him saying I left because I didn't love my son. When he was 14, his father was getting a second divorce and had been abusive to his second wife. My son was visiting me in the US, and told me that now, he understood the real reason I had left. Thank Hashem that we have been able to not only stay in touch, but also stood under the chuppah with him as he married. I now have a great daughter in law and two beautiful granddaughters. And, my son and I are still working on our relationship. I am so proud of the husband and father he has become. I believe that he was able to learn from my situation. It took years of counseling and work, but with help, I can now thank Hashem for the end results.

sarah,
November 5, 2013 5:34 PM

Sometimes the tests we face are very difficult, but they are for our own good, even though we don't understand the reason for them. May you always continue to enjoy the relationship with your son and family!

(3)
Anonymous,
November 4, 2013 3:57 PM

brave and loving mother

This story really touched me. I commend you on the way you handled your son. I hope that you will be blessed with many exciting things in your future and a new family of your own. Most of all that you will continue to grow even closer to your son. He is lucky to have such a wise mother.

Anonymous,
November 5, 2013 4:27 AM

writer response

Thank you very much!

(2)
Aliza,
November 4, 2013 2:31 AM

A Hero!

Wow! You are a true hero as a mom! May Hashem bless you!

Anonymous,
November 5, 2013 4:28 AM

writer response

Thank you for your kind words!

(1)
Anonymous,
November 3, 2013 1:26 PM

courageous

You are an extraordinary and courageous woman and mother. Having gone through a divorce myself, I was in a situation where my ex had tried to poison one of my sons against me. It was difficult and at times I was not sure how I was going to rekindle that relationship with my son. However, with some support from a wise friend and a Rabbi, I kept that communication open and loving with my son (despite all the stuff I was going through inside), and did not resort to trying to talk to him against his father. It took a long time, but now I can say that while it is not perfect, the relationship is so much better. We all have our tests in life and you certainly appear to have passed yours with flying colors. May G-d bless you with much Nachas from your son.

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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