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stuff.co.nz Conversations ‘‘Congratulations to Suzanne McFadden for her amazing book, Striking Gold, about the kiwi men’s hockey teamwho won gold at Montreal in ‘76.’’ SONYAROWELL ‘‘Don’t read the comments’’ was mycolleague’s advice whenmy first blog post appeared online. I didn’t listen, I read them anyway. I figure you can’t call yourself a real blogger until someone has abused you. I’m rather proud, however, thatmyfirst troll, one Doug from Maryland, is a better quality troll than most. Doug can spell. Themancan punctuate like a pro and – this was the kicker, I almost swooned – he knows when to use an apostrophe. I know, right? He’s a keeper. Trollmeanytime, baby. Manypeople are apostrophe challenged. Once this affliction was confined to produce specials (banana’s, $2.99kg), corporate logos and school newsletters and myrage stayed under control, mostly. In the past five or so years it has crept into places that should know better. Social media is a cringeworthy pastime for any word geek but you can hardly blame people who aren’t professionals for posts that sound like English is their second language when media organisations aren’tmuch better. These days any sort of combination of letters and apostrophes is the go. One recent online news story used an apostrophe three different ways with regard to the couple concerned. It was, asmyold Granddad would have said, like they wanted a bob each way. They’d have gone home broke from that race because it was wrong every time. The writer wasn’t even close. It was like he or she knew there should have been an apostrophe somewhere in there, so fired a few at the story in random, machine-gun style in the hope they’d hit something. ‘‘No-one care’s,’’ a particularly droll colleague said as wespent a few minutes over coffee in the work cafe bemoaning the state of pretty mucheverything, but in particular the state of news. Well, I care. Inmybrief and disturbing foray into internet dating I listed ‘‘must knowhow to use an apostrophe’’ under Things You Are Picky About on the profile bit. (This was after a couple of horrific hours spent reading profiles that said things like ‘‘I no what I want’’ and ‘‘kid’s OK’’. Can you seewhyI only lasted five days?) Some people think a six pack of abs is sexy. Me, I’m all about the literacy. Hey, don’t judge me. If mencan have a list (and they did) that specified the jean size, hair colour and number of kids they’d tolerate in a date, I can ask for a modicum of intelligence, I reckon. It’s the sexiest curve of all, that elusive little apostrophe. It’s like Parseltongue, a rarely granted ability. Beer goggles, pfffftt. Nothing will make a person attractive to mefaster than a correctly punctuated text or email. I said resignedly to someone thatmypreference for people with a few smarts markedmeas a dinosaur, pastmyuse-by date. She smiled and toldmeabout her teenage daughterwho asks of every attractive male: ‘‘Yes, but can he do long division?’’ Imay adopt her. Do you care?AmI the only one? Sendmeyour comments but please, for the love of God, use spelling and grammar check first. I’m begging you. Sonya is a Christchurch journalist and blogger. Follow her on Facebook.com/ boredsinglemother and on Huffington Post. Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat possums who couldn’t make a decision. APRIL 7, 2016, CHRISTCHURCH MAIL 13 GET IN TOUCH ONLINE ‘‘Donald Trumps newslogan: Ban packaged shredded cheese. Let’s make America grate again.’’ The sexiest curve of all ONLINE CHATTER GET INTOUCH Letters to the editor are welcome. Email shannon.beynon@fairfaxmedia.co.nz or snail mail to Shannon Beynon, Editor, Mid Canterbury Herald, Private Bag 4722, Christchurch 8140. If your thoughts lend themselves to 140 characters or fewer, you can tweet @ShannonBFFX. Letters should be no more than 250 words and we reserve the right to edit for clarity. You can also contact us through Facebook and Neighbourly. SUBSCRIBE NOW Visit mags4gifts.co.nz/sunday-star-times Or call 0800 SUNDAY (786 329) It’s not Sunday without it. you say we say