Masters of the Universe, the movie. No, seriously.

I mentioned on twitter that I thought it would be funny to watch Masters of the Universe (the 1987 He-Man movie). It was supposed to be a joke, because we all know a movie I’m eventually going to have to watch is Fifty Shades of Grey, but good God I do not want to. If you’ve been with me any length of time, you know how much I loathe those books.

But I’ve mentioned before, back when 50 was a fan-fic, it was titled “Master of the Universe,” and hell, I thought it’d be funny to try to tie it to the movie.

Nope.

Instead I ended up with a lot of questions. Click this video to see a handful of them in a spoiler-free environment. However, if you like the spoilers, look below for my attempt at a very brief summary of the movie.

So, yeah. Spoilers?

Masters of the Universe begins in Eternia where Skeletor is trying to steal the Power of Greyskull to rule the land. I mean, it’s He-Man. That’s going to be the plot.

He-Man and company try to release the (good) Sorceress to stop Skeletor, but have to escape through a portal made by the cosmic key which throws them into Earth. America to be exact.

There they meet Julie and Kevin, who are supposed to be breaking up soon so that Julie can leave town for the big city and a new life, but by the end of the movie, their literal battles between good and evil help to reaffirm their love.

Skeletor, Inc. tries to stop the good guys but He-Man & Co. fight back. Eventually He-man wins because HE HAS THE POWER! Balance is restored to Eternia.

Clearly I’m leaving a lot out.

It’s a better story for it.

Plus, we didn’t even get to see Panthor or Battle Cat. THIS IS BULLSHIT!