Thursday, August 16, 2007

Will She Play in Peoria?

Sometimes you have to ask the difficult questions, even when you're pretty sure you won't like the answers.

"Dolores," I said, "what's going on with your show at the Lucky Horseshoe? I thought you were supposed to open two months ago."

Harry, who was sitting next to her watching Valley of the Dolls, grabbed his bag of Milk Duds and rolled swiftly out of the room.

Dolores glared at me over her glasses.

"We do not speak of That Place in this house," she said.

I was startled. The 'Shoe is almost a second home for Dolores. The strippers have come to look upon her as a mother figure and the bartenders keep her special, monogrammed martini glass under the bar. Rumor has it that the owner, who hung her picture above the till in a heart-shaped frame, plans to retire to Bermuda after her tab is paid in full.

"What happened?"

"Artistic differences," she hissed. "Apparently my vision for the divertissements was too lofty for this cultural backwater. And I refused to compromise the integrity of my art."

"Eh?"

"She wanted to fly in on a cardboard moon singing 'Dis-moi que je suis belle,' " shouted Harry from the safety of the bedroom, "so they replaced her with a drag queen named Magic Wanda who pulls rabbits out of her -"

Dolores lunged for the bedroom door but Harry was too quick, and slammed it shut.

"Naturally I refuse to cast my pearls before swine, so the production is presently considering alternate venues in other localities."

"You mean..."

"A tour, yeah. Victorine is managing the whole thing. She knows all about it. She's been on the road since the fricking Eisenhower administration with that Opéra Brébis du Québec gig."

"As a makeup artist."

"She is an established entertainment professional. And for your information, she has already procured our transport and is in the process of engaging us at several fine Midwestern establishments."

"Us? You're taking the dancers, too?"

"Not exactly. The greedy bastards wouldn't work for tips so I had to make substitutions. Fortunately, we got so much talent right here at home."

It took a moment for that to sink in.

"The sock yarn?"

"Damn straight," said Dolores. "They already sing and dance. They're easy to pack and move. A few tucks in the costumes here and there and you'd never know the difference."

"I am not wearing a thong!" screamed Harry through the door. There was general shout of agreement from the yarn cupboard.

"Dolores," I said, "I don't know if the Midwest is ready for you singing 'You Make Me Feel Mighty Real' in front of a chorus line of half-naked sock yarn. Why not cut your losses and focus on one of your other projects?"

Well, that's one way to bring knitting back into the White House! Not to mention any hijinks with the boys won't become scandals, because Dolores will flaunt everything! I love it. Let's put the fun back in politics!

Yeah, a Dolores for President T-shirt would be as good as a "Vetinari in 2008" campaign shirt. (That suggestion copyright my cyber-sis Grace, who came up with the idea. I keep pestering her to actually make the bloody thing for Dragon.con this year... Hm. Maybe I'd just better present a fait accompli by working up and sending her the damned iron-on.)

Dolores for President...and the Sock Yarn Thongs as part of her administration? Well, it has a certain ring to it...They can't possibly do worse, can they, than what's already out there for our consideration?LOLOL!(((hugs)))

I'm sure that after just one night of Dolores' superstar-dom, Wikipedia will need to be updated to add her name to the following list of illustrious celebrities:"- Author Bill McGrath lived in Kankakee for many years.- Actor Marc Grapey grew up in Kankakee.- Porn Star Randy Spears is from Kankakee."..."Dolores performed in Kankakee" ...

Beheaded your bust of Meg Swansen...didn't see that one coming...spewed coffee all over the screen...cleaning now...

I am thinking two versions of the coffee table book of knitters...one the arty version and one the hysterically funny captioned version...(hey, magazines put out different covers on the same insides...). What is Dolores gonna do when you are more famous than she is??????

Quick - Gran Scena Opera Co needs a Thaïs, and they're trying to reach Dolores! (Madame Vera Galupe-Borszkh, their great "traumatic soprano," is down with a cold.) I think Dolores would fit right in. (Just remember, Dolores, in opera, they're not called "thongs" - they're called "arias.")

Oh I love it ... Dolores for President. The image is better than Hillary and most of the other ole political crowd in the running. I can see promoting a National Knitting Day ... and more sock yarn for everyone.

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