When i was 15 my brother had a friend, for the sake of this post I will call “t”. He was 3 years older than me.

T harassed me over texts a lot, sending me weird creepy sexual messages. Everyone chocked it up to him being “young” and a “boy”

He slept over with my brother one night, ( I keep wondering in retrospect why do 17/18 year old boys need sleepovers again?) and I woke up with him getting in my bed and getting on top of me. I truly understand that he would have raped me if I didn’t start screaming. I don’t have any memory of what happened after that. I don’t remember if my parents made him leave or not.

I remember him coming back days later to talk to my parents. He told them it wasn’t true. And the texting was not true.

My brother believed him (gc) and remained friends with him.

My brother, T, and their other mutual friends wrote bulletins on MySpace about how I was a liar, that they did not believe me, that I made it up, and that I wished someone would want to fuck me. Alluding to how I was over weight and nobody would want me.

I got phone records to try to prove the harassment over the phone. But by then, nobody really cared.

Fast forward 11 years, my brother is still friends with T. I have no relationship with my brother and had recently (in October) been asked by my Nmom what my problem was with my brother.

I explicitly, with detail, reminded her about T and what happened. And how nobody took action for me or protected me.

(Side note: my brother is also someone who molested me when I was around 5/6 and I have not been able to unpack that yet almost 20 years later)

Fast forward to the middle of October, I read my moms text messages while using her laptop (iMessage).

She had a conversation with my brother and asked him if the story about T was accurate. My brother said “I don’t believe that at all, fuck her” etc. my mom said “but he was on top of her, that is horrible”

That was pretty much it.

Fast forward to November. I move out and establish low contact. With the goal of eventual NC.

December rolls around, I feel sad, alone, vulnerable. It’s the first night of Hannukah and I am hurt and feeling the need for family. I’m sure you understand. I receive a call from my mom, but it blind sided me because she’s with my dad. I love my dad and we have a good/neutral relationship. He understands.

My mom said she wanted to see my cat and wanted to say hello and bring my dad over to see my place for the first time.

They were here for 15 minutes. My mom criticized everything, didn’t say one nice thing. She criticizes a light fixture and says I need a dimmer switch on it. I told her I don’t know how to do it and it honestly doesn’t bother me.

She said “well T came over the other day and he’s an electrician now”

I confronted her, asked her why she would never protect me, why she would betray me and associate with T. I can imagine her having him over to her home and sitting with T and my brother, like nothing happened. It was like when I moved out she had to find a way to hurt me.

She said “I didn’t know!!!”

I told her she was lying, and that I know she knows because of our conversation in October and the conversation she had with my brother. And then I told her to get the FUCK out.

A day goes by and she sends me a text message that included statements like: your medication is not working. You need a spiritual awakening. god has plans for us. Be careful what you wish for. Stop digging up the past. Why don’t you move on. I’ll pray for you. I wish I had a magic wand to make myself the perfect mother.

I replied and told her I would be blocking her number permanently and wished to receive no future communication from her.

For the last few days I feel in control. for the first time I feel like I’m looking in at the situation and not in the midst, broken, and trying to figure it out. this really was a breaking point for me. Realizing how gone she is from reality. That she lives in a reality that only makes sense to her. I can’t imagine doing that to anybody. Let alone my own daughter

I’m definitely in pain, but it’s a different pain I’ve never felt before. Maybe I’m mourning for the first time and also feeling free. whatever this feeling is, I know it’s over.

My parents are awesome and it's always sad for me when I read on here about the people who's parents are so horrible.

But girl, you have strength that I can only dream about. You kicked the useless shits out of your life and took control like a boss. I'm so happy for you! You stay strong, because she's going to try to get back in.

You looked her in the eye and told her to get the fuck out. I LOVE IT. I did the same when I was 22. I’ve been NC for 17 years and I have never regretted my decision.

I’m having trouble trying to articulate this next part, so bear with me. I’ve been through a ton of shit in my life - physical abuse, sexual abuse and neglect (by both parents), homelessness, domestic violence, eating disorders, suicide attempts, foster care, high-risk pregnancies and divorce, to name a few. What it took for me to deal with all of those things doesn’t even come close to the strength it took to look that monster in the eye and tell her to get out. What I’m trying to say is that you are strong, and probably stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for. I think there’s a unique dynamic between daughters and Nmothers because we’re raised to be docile and subservient, and when we stand up for ourselves they just cannot comprehend what’s happening. This is a defining moment in your life, OP. I’m serious. Few people will ever understand the strength and courage it took for you to stand up to her. You are a warrior and a survivor. I’m proud of you. I hope you take a moment to celebrate today, the first day of the rest of your life. :)

Wow thank you so much! I feel like you just gave me a hug. The look in her eyes when I confronted her and told her to get the fuck out was nothing I have ever seen before. You are also strong and a survivor. Thank you so much for sharing that with me!

Yes!!! I started writing something similar but I deleted it. Watching my Nmother realize that she couldn’t control me and also realize that I wasn’t backing down from throwing her out, it was one of the most empowering (and terrifying) experiences in my life. Truthfully I thought she was going to punch me, but I wasn’t going to back down from that either. I was 22, 100 pounds and had just given birth to my son 5 days before this happened, so I wasn’t physically strong at all. But I think she saw that my mama bear instinct had kicked in and she’d be getting the fight of her life if she touched me. Regardless, the fury in her eyes, as well as her steely cold demeanor, was just eerie. It still makes me shiver when I think about it. This is a woman who once set our house on fire during an argument with my dad, but telling her to get out was way scarier than the fire. So yes, I’m sending internet hugs across the miles (if ya want em)!!!!

(I think i do what's called restricted contact? All events occur on my terms)

That being said, the feeling of terror and relief that taking control of your life provides is astounding. I remember the one day in high school where I finally looked my nstep-mom in the eye and told her I'd take her offer to kick me out, because I wouldn't legally be a runaway. The thought of losing control clearly rattled her, but she stuck to her guns.

My dad ended up convincing me to stay (he's a good guy, not very smart, so easy pickings for a anarc) but once you have that spark there's typically a fire, and I finally moved out, after my mom started spreading rumors that I dropped out of college because I was failing.

(I failed one class, but dropped out because she started charging rent out of the blue, 800 dollars a month for a fucking hallway, and I couldn't afford school. I would have been on track for credits because of HS aps)

There's something extremely liberating about having absolute control over your life.

this happened last weekend and since then I’ve been feeling so much relief from anxiety and frustration. I wake up and start my day..and it’s peaceful. I’ve been feeling so (surprisingly) okay.

I’m prone to having mental fuckin breakdowns and losing control of my emotions/going into depressive states. But I’ve been managing so well. I felt pain for a few days, mostly a feeling of being betrayed and disappointment. I’m really proud of myself for taking this situation so well..so far

The comment about medication not working was a huge dig at my mental health. I’m 100% certain she pulled it out of her ass to try to dig at me and hurt me further. She doesn’t know what I’m doing/is not involved in my mental health.

I, like a lot of us, struggle with depression. I was very suicidal at one time in my life and have been on a mental health journey over the last couple years. Anyone who had dealt with this knows recovery from poor mental health is not a linear process.

I’ve been in a great place taking care of myself and excelling/maintaining areas of my life (school, work, etc) and actually have a real grasp of my emotions for once. Im not a manic depressive mess and have been stable. She tries to gaslight me into thinking I’m in a mental place where I’m not thinking correctly.

Definitely. Connecting with my emotions and having a healthy sense of self have been an uphill battle.

My mom actually inquired with my ex a few months ago as to whether we were broken up based on her looking at Facebook - of course, completely going around me. I’m not her friend but my ex insisted I couldn’t tell him what to do (can you tell why he’s my ex?) so he’s friends with her.

Well he makes up some BS about him having broken up with me because I’m mean, and she congratulated him for breaking up with me. She told him I needed to grow up eventually, and that he nor she could do that for me. Which is funny on two counts: she only met my ex twice, and I haven’t really allowed her in my life for a decade so she can’t argue that she’s babying me.

My ex told me all this. He’s actually pretty confident that he broke up with me. When I confronted him about the “mean” comment he pointed to one thing: while we were having our breakup talk I told him I had no feelings left for him but pity. It’s not nice (I was sobbing as I said it) but the fact remains that we were already broken up by that point.

What I’m trying to say is all this crap really did is confirm to me that I was right to not have someone as back-stabbing as my mom in my life, and I was right to breakup with such an ego-maniac like my ex.

Ugh! Something I'm not looking forward to is her sending me flying monkeys to bother me or try to get information to/from me. Hopefully my privacy will be respected but I can not expect much from her. I can only imagine what's next on her list to try to get to me. Whether it's through my ex or friends, or just bad mouthing me to her family.

Great job! You removed a cancer from your life! Now block her so you don't have to expose yourself to her bile. Fuck all of them. They didn't protect you. They can have T as their surrogate kid and you go on to heal, and build yourself a loving family from people you CHOOSE who know how to treat you right.

Thank you for sharing your story. The best thing you can do is block her messages! This is not your fault and you did not / do not deserve this horrible treatment!! You are not over exaggerating, you are not making this up and your feelings about it are completely valid 100%!

It took me six years to be able to do what you did in a few months. Bravo.

I just wanted to say that I was in a similar situation (assaulted as I slept, parents acted like they maybe believed me when I told them but ultimately did nothing, parents then claimed that they "didn't know" at the time and were in complete denial when I confronted them) and I feel your unique pain/mourning.

In my experience, I think it's a not-uncommon path of "I maybe believe you" to "I didn't know" to "why don't you move on," so at least you're finally at the end of it and can hopefully start to heal and move on. Good luck, feel free to PM me if you want to chat :)

This situation had to be the final breaking point for me that knocked me into a different place of understanding the narcissist. It was such a realization for me, something clicked. I have dealt with my mothers abuse my entire life and have fought tooth and nail with her over many many years regarding so many different issues. This was the one that “broke the camels back”

I’m so happy you finally did it, though and I’m glad someone knows how I feel

I hope this t person going to be there to change her diapers when she gets old, and I hope this t person is going to pay for her nursing home, and I hope this t person is going to drive her to her dr. appointments when she can't see to drive! she's chosen water over blood, and that's going to cost her.

I remember when I first realized what had happened to me. Like when it really set in that it was abuse. It sounded so weird when my therapist said it. But after it set in, I just cried and cried until all my grief for myself was out. I imagine that you feel similarly.

Yeah that happens to me in waves actually. I think I also feel “ready” to let go of my nMom now. I have felt major guilt over the years thinking about cutting her off, not being able to imagine being okay with it. But now I feel totally different

So sorry to hear that you have such family OP. Do what you gotta do to heal, i understand because even i’m still struggling with accepting the fact that i’m not “wrong,” that i dont deserve what my family did to me.

It’s really on them and remember your family members are normal human being. People can be shitty and just because she is your mother doesn’t mean she is suddenly a saint. If she is horrible, then she is horrible.

It’s hard for me not to question the situation and wonder if I’m wrong. It’s because we have been fucked with so much. Not ever receiving apologies or answers and being blamed makes us look at ourselves. But it’s not true. We know our truth.

Omg spot on, none of my family ever said ‘sorry’ for anything, ever. It helps that i have a couple friends that i could talk to, and often i’d repeat often go “am i crazy?” I needed external reinforcements to see how fucked up the situation is.

Seriously. That’s why all the support on this post is really helping me a lot. It’s hard to explain nparents to people. the validation I’m getting makes me feel so much better. I’m so used to being convinced I am crazy and it’s my fault or I’m the problem.

I have been in your shoes, in my own way. Brother’s best friend. Always trying to touch and lay on me ( without going into detail). Had conversations about it with parents when I was young, then again when I was in my teens, when I was 18, when I was 24, and in my 30’s. EVERY time “Gasp! We didn’t know!” Ended with me blowing up on NDad and going NC.

Those three months were some of my strongest and most liberating. A year later, Mom texts me pics of her with the guy’s brother (who did his own horrific things) because I didn’t invite her for thanksgiving.

I am now VLC with both parents. I didn’t want to hijack your thread (so apologies for the details), but I wanted to let you know how deeply I feel your pain. It is so hard knowing your family never protected you, and then never even stood up for you. Completely abandoned you when you were most vulnerable. It’s not fair, it’s not right, and you are worth so very much more.

I’m here if you want to chat, and congrats on your own place. That’s huge! Keep up the good work. You deserve it.

Thanks so much for sharing this with me. It sounds like you had a very similar experience as me. You’re not hijacking at all. Your story really helps me solidify my choices and feel validated in all respects. Thank you again

"A year later, Mom texts me pics of her with the guy’s brother (who did his own horrific things) because I didn’t invite her for thanksgiving."

That's fucked up. I wish there was a way the two of you could dig up some relative or ex that beat or raped your mothers, and then take a pic with them, all smiles, to teach them what this betrayal feels like.

What really baffles me is the audacity that people have to say things like "I'll be praying for you" or "God has a plan for you" and think they're saying something nice. No, in the end we know what's behind those messages of "love": judgment and disbelief

I can't even start to imagine how can someone get this dunce over rape tentative, and just blame the victim, especially in your circumstances ("I will pray for you" triggered me like no other). Even more when you had proof with the messages you got during that time.

You did a wonderful job standing up to your mom and telling her your thoughts and feels. B R A V O !

If I may ask, how did your dad react when you told your mom to fuck off ? You sayed you had neutral relationship with him, Do yo know what does he thinks/feels about this?

Wishing you only the best for your future. You are strong, don't forget it, keep standing for yourself.

Thank you. My dad, unfortunately, is also subject to my Nmoms abuse. I feel so bad for him. She berates and bullies him a LOT. He acted as a mediator and didn’t say anything BUT he took her and escorted her out. The next day my dad and I met and talked. He said he was so sorry about what happened and that he did not know my mom had T over the house. She didn’t tell him about it (more proof of her trying to hide her wrong doing and avoid criticism from my dad). He said he would not have allowed it because he remembers what happened and said he remembers telling T to stay away from the house (when T came back to tell my mom it was not true). My dad gave me a hug and told me he loves me and understands why my wishes are to cut off my mom. He said that he can’t believe that her intent was malicious but I think he doesn’t want to believe how truly manipulative she is. I consider my dad another victim to her abuses.

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