by:kate28 (12/14/2009)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Restroom Toilet Paper Refiller.
Without your undying commitment,
We might find ourselves trapped in a stall armed only with our newspaper.
(Oh, I need you now!)
Like a brave soldier,
You storm hostile territory delivering much needed supplies to your men.
(Uugh!)
Should you leave one roll?
Or two?
Or perhaps that giant 10-pound super roll.
(Keep rollin'!)
While others rest, you can't…
Because somewhere there's a guy with his pants around his ankles doing the bunny hop in search of a fresh roll.
(Hop! Hop! Hop!)
So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, Master of the Men's Room
Because if you don't do your business,
We can't do ours.
(Is there anybody out there?)

by:kate28 (11/04/2009)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Sports Fan Face Painter.
Unlike Van Gogh or Rembrandt,
You use yourself as the canvas.
Half yellow.
Half green.
But all heart.
(look at meeee)
As if weighing 400 pounds didn't call enough attention to yourself,
You had to go shirtless,
And paint yourself bright orange.
(I SAID look at meeee)
And you top it all off with a rainbow wig,
Oversized sunglasses,
And absolutely no shame.
(no SERIOUSLY I said look at meee)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Sports Fan Face Painter.
And know,
We'll keep cheering for you,
Until we are orange, purple, or blue in the face.

by:kate28 (10/16/2009)
Today we salute you, Mr. Nudist Colony Activity Coordinator.
Wearing nothing but a whistle and a clipboard
You're living the real American dream:
Getting paid to think up fun things to do...
Naked.
(Runnin' free!)
Sure there's danger-
Vinyl chairs,
Sunburns,
Chaffage...
And lawn darts?
Completely out of the question.
(Watch out now!)
Your keen instincts tell you to stick to activities that involve lots of bouncing and jiggling.
And if that doesn't work, who cares?
You're all naked.
(It's your birthday!)
So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, Nudie Boy,
Because we all know,
When the going gets tough,
The tough get naked.

by:kate28 (10/16/2009)
Today we salute you, dude,
Mr. Really So Special Birthday Celebrator.
Some say you're a year older,
Some say a year wiser,
And some say,
Why is a 51-year-old still celebrating their birthday?
(because I can)
Some people wish for fame.
Some wish for fortune.
Your wish:
A date with a supermodel.
Or at the very least,
A phone line in your parents' basement.
(and cable tv)
Tonight you and your friends will party in the roped-off section of the hottest club in town,
Except in your case,
It's the line to get inside.
(let us in)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Oh Admiral of the Ageless.
Because even though you're 51,
You'll always be number 1 with us.
(happy birthday to youuuu)

by:kate28 (10/16/2009)
Today we salute you,
Stressed out college student,
During exam week.
As you sit in your lonely cubical in the library,
Doped up on Starbucks & Aderol,
You think to yourself,
"Am I ever going to need to know this stuff in life?"
The distractions are tempting,
And you have suddenly diagnosed yourself with ADD,
Along with advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.
I'm sure by now you know exactly what everyone is doing because you have checked your buddy list 800 times.
Christmas break is just days away,
And your Prozac prescription will be in tomorrow.
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light after that last exam,
Because for most of us,
Christmas will be spent in rehab.

by:kate28 (09/22/2009)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Stadium Scoreboard Marriage Proposal Guy.
You've combined the three things you love most in this world.
Your girlfriend.
Your team.
And lots and lots of attention.
(everyone look at meee)
Your first proposal?
Her hand in marriage.
Your second proposal?
Two more jumbo chili dogs.
(chili cheeeeese)
It's the perfect plan,
Unless her name is spelled wrong,
She's in the bathroom,
Or she says no.
(pretty pleease)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Bachelor on the Big Screen.
And remember,
That even if she says no,
We'll always say yes.

by:kate28 (08/21/2009)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Major Highway Line Painter.
Michelangelo had the Sistine Chapel.
Da Vinci had his Mona Lisa.
And you..
You've got Route 22.
(it's a long and lonely road)
Armed with a brush,
10,000 gallons of yellow paint,
And a whole lotta drop cloths,
You work your magic.
(abracadabra)
Most painters worry about the subtle play of light and shadow,
You just worry about getting hit by a truck.
(watch out now!)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Toulouse of the Turnpike.
When it comes to great art,
Your work kicks asphalt.
(kick some major asphalt)

by:kate28 (07/13/2009)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Putt-Putt Golf Course Designer.
Through the magic of astroturf and animatronics,
You've taken the time-honored game of golf,
And made it fun again.
(keep on strokin)
They said a three foot putt wasn't a challenge,
So you added windmills.
(china windmills)
While lesser men wasted time with fairways and sand traps,
You had visions of fiberglass volcanos and giant clown heads.
(clowns freak me out now)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Putt-Putt Golf Course Designer,
Because you and I know that a round of golf should always,
Always include Indian teepees.

by:kate28 (07/13/2009)
Today, we salute you,
Mr. Push Up Bra Inventor.
Never before has one man done so much with so little.
(lift'em up higher)
From mosquito bites,
Pimples,
And pancakes,
To melons,
Mountains,
And major league yabbos,
An engineering feat so brilliant,
It can only be described as va va va voom!
(va va voom)
Thanks to you,
Even a ninety year old grandmother
can go from A to double D in a single bound.
(What's your number granny?)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Oh Hoister of the Hooter,
Because when it comes to the bust, You're the best.
(Thank you, Thank you, Thank you)