dedicated to the fairer sex

New Worlds

There were two things recently that kinda pushed the edges of the box of expectations I have being a newly single man in his 40s during 2012, as compared to the time when I was a single man in his 20s in the 1990s.

First was being contacted by a friend who mentioned to me that some women who are into BDSM might like what they read here on my blog. When I replied that I thought I might be a little… well, gentle for those ladies, she replied that she knows Doms who would totally love that.

That notion… well, it left me with a strange mix of surprise, bafflement, and a little dose of intrigue. In my adult life so far, BDSM has been something that’s intrigued me not at all, and so I’ve never ever thought about doing anything along those lines, and no one that I’ve ever dated ever suggested it either. And yet, with the surprise success of that book Fifty Shades of Gray, it occurs to me that there might be a lot more women interested in that sort of thing that I’d have thought… and what would I do if I ran across a great woman who, turns out, is into it? While I’m not into pain or humiliation, if a woman wants to be dominant in the bedroom I can’t imagine being opposed to that. Hmmmmm….

The other thing that’s been interesting to ponder is Polyamory. I ran across this label and people who live this lifestyle nearly a decade ago from a few people I met on Livejournal, and it’s always been something that sounded interesting but unpractical. I was married at the time, in love with my spouse, and I couldn’t imagine loving someone else at the same time as I was in love with her. I mean, I know you can love lots of people, but being in love with more than one person at a time is something I couldn’t imagine then.

I can’t really imagine it now as a single man… my experience so far (granted, a rather limited experience) has been one in which, when I’m in love with someone, I’m all in. But after listening to a recent podcast episode on Sex Nerd Sandra dealing with Polyamory (“Gold Star Polyamory“), it made me wonder… how would I deal with falling in love with a polyamorous person who loved me but also loved someone else? My first impulse would be, if I’m not enough to be the only one then I should find someone else who didn’t insist on sharing… but if I loved her and I knew she loved me too, should I toss that away just because the relationship isn’t a conventional one? I mean, I’ve been married and monogamous, I’ve got children. I’ve had the conventional relationship checked off my bucket list. Should I limit myself to trying to recapture something like that again if something different comes along? I haven’t exactly had an overabundance of love connections in my life.

Also, between my full-time job, part-time job, writing and visitation with my kids it’s not like my life gives me a whole lot of time for dating. Even if I were in a monogamous relationship I could only really offer her 2-3 nights a week of quality time anyway. I know it would be hard having a relationship with a Poly person, and there would have to be a lot of honesty and communication to make it work, but it’s something I don’t think I’d be opposed to trying if she came along.

On a related note, I will say that the Polyamorous woman Sandra had on the podcast didn’t really do a good job representing the lifestyle as a positive choice. She tried to paint it in a very highbrow and pseudo-intellectual way, but really came across as a very shallow and selfish person. She made me think she was probably an Ayn Rand fanatic and applied that extreme libertarian philosophy to her personal relationships. However, the gentleman Sandra had on there came across as a very smart and kind man, and the few Poly people I’ve met make me think that the woman there wasn’t exactly representative of the Poly community.

Definitely curious what you might think of this post, hit me up in the comments 🙂

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5 Responses

I REALLY don’t think I could do the polyamorous thing…one of the best things about being in a long term relationship is the feeling of being safe and out of the whole “competition” thing. How could you ever relax? Yes, I think even in a LTR, you have to stay on your game-you can’t just fall apart & stop shaving, for Pete’s sake! But I need to know, when you are with me, you are with ME. Not planning your next night with your other “other”. Besides, quite frankly, if you are dating me, you already have your hands full. Ask my BF-he tried that whole thing and it made everyone miserable. Now, he wouldn’t dream of it. (or rather, that’s the most he would do). There aren’t enough hours in the day.
As for the other…I’ll try anything once or twice, but I doubt being dominant could ever be my thing.