Geek Goddess

The journey to choose blessings over anger is not an easy one -- but it is necessary. It is required as I step over from 2014 to 2015. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a decision, and it is a daily death of self. it is a daily surrender, and a daily re-commitment to what has already been done.

I have learnt that you find out so much about someone by the company they keep. And that was my problem -- I had lacked the discernment. I was naive. I was a baby christian.

But as Dorcas put it, I can see clearly now the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in my way.

There have been so many more things revealed about a person when speaking to people whom they claim to have close relationships with, but really those people don't know them at all. And I'm hearing all these tragic stories, terrible stories of the past, that I wouldnt have found out if not for the grace of God.

Let's just say, I dodged a bullet. But also in that same vein, I bless what he is doing in my life and the lives of people involved. God's plan always reigns supreme.

Some friendships are for seasons, some are just like a vapour in a wind. Through trials and tribulations, we know who our real friends are by those who stick beside us and who know us inside out. Who are willing to laugh and cry with us. Jesus I thank you for showing me the meaning of covenant friendships. I make covenant friendships with the people You have given me... you guys know who you are... Shimei, Cheryln, Dorcas.

You have my world. Even when things collapse I know you are there. I need to feel you with me. The darkness is overwhelming and I know I feel I am slipping further and further in. It's supposed to feel better with time, but why does it feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper.

Lord, only you know the extent to this double betrayal. Even I don't know the full extent but Lord, You are my Father and you understand the pain from the deep recesses of my soul. You understand the feeling of loss and abandonment as You too, experienced it on the cross. I am trying to fight my mind and get out of this. But Dad, I need help, and I need you to lift me out of this pit. I don't want to wallow in self pity anymore. It is enough, I need to stand up tall. The people who have betrayed and walked away have done so without conscience or without a tear shed. Why should I be sitting here in the dark, with tears streaming down my face? it's not worth it. they are not worth a drop of my tear.

Lord, you see what is going on, and Lord you are my justice. You are my peace. You are my Father. God nothing happens without you knowing, without you missing out. And you see everything, nothing escapes you eyes every injustice, every brokenness, every tear, every pain. God you must see all that is happening, the world is Yours and everything that goes with it You created.

God, pls pull me out, and also be my helper. I need you more than any other time now, and it's like I don't want to sink anymore deeper. This needs to stop. The buck stops here. God, let me see you work, let me see your faithfulness. God I know your mercy never fails and you are gracious to the very end, and God I wish will not let Your daughter fade into the night.

Show me your hand in all this, show me where you are in this, show me Your goodness. God you are close to me, I know. Even though the darkness encloses in, I know you are near. Help me to make it heart knowledge and help me to see Your face in the midst of the shadows. God I can't breathe without you.

You are a just God. You said You are to never leave me or forsake me, and although I feel as if I am alone, You have to be here beside me. You will never ever leave my side. I'm following You all the days of my life.

It's so hard to forgive and give mercy. It's easy to be angry and be broken, but that only hurts noone but me. And I'm tired of wasting away. But my limbs do not follow what my mind says, instead is a puppet to the string of my heart. When will this all be over? I couldnt be born for a reason like this. There has to be more.

God I have so many nasty thoughts and evil thoughts and curbing them hurts because I know that is what You would want me to do. It really doesnt have to be such a sick joke.

Yesterday I went for a full body massage, just because Cheryln was nice enough to accompany me for that evening. I'm trying to get out more, not to coop myself up and drowning myself with work. it is rather unhealthy. Like becoming a hermit crab. I very much have to force myself out of this room. I must be very fair, I hardly see the sun.

As the masseurs was working on my neck and back, she said that although I have strong muscles, if I continued to slouch which on the computer, my body would pay for it later on. She then used her entire weight to knead away the knots on my neck and back. Ouch -- it really really hurt. Many times I told her to just stop and work on other areas, but she refused, saying that it would be for my own good. I needed to endure as she was realigning my muscles.

Today as I got up, my entire neck and back was aching. Why would I pay for something that gave me the pain which wasn't there before? So weird.

I guess realignment is as such -- it hurts now so it wouldnt hurt later. My entire neck is so painful, I wonder if she has done more harm than good.

God must be realigning my life, thoughI must say that he is the masseurs that NEVER goes wrong. I just wished it would not hurt so bad.