Are You Ready For Some Air Humping?

In case you didn’t get enough sucking motions out of Mark Sanchez last night, scenic Brooklyn is apparently the place to be for all your air fornication needs. On October 9, the Music Hall of Williamsburg in Brooklyn will host the 2010 Championships of Air Sex. You know how when your 46-year old co-worker gets really drunk at happy hour and demands that he play air keyboard to Final Countdown? Well imagine him dry humping the wind instead, and voila! You’ve got the Championships of Air Sex.

But it’s not just about dry humping, friends. There’s so much more in celebrating this lack of a sex partner, with contestants using toys, props, interpretive motion and their God-given creativity to astound a crowd of hundreds, who have apparently never heard of strip clubs. And that’s the good part for those of you with gentle eyes. There is no nudity and all orgasms must be legitimate. Legitimately fake, that is. I mean, who wants to have sex and actually enjoy it? *receives stern look from college girlfriends*

Please tell me that someone is willing to take describing this stuff to a whole disgusting new level, Brooklyn Paper:

To be a Svengali of air sex, the bottom line is this: have a game plan. Indeed, air sex virgins should follow the advice of the veritable Wilt Chamberlain of air sex: host Chris Trew.

“Have a costume, have a game plan and commit 100 percent to whatever you’re doing,” said Trew. “If you’re having sex with a goat, then I wanna see you stroking its horns. I want that goat to be turned on.”

Yeah, man, if you’re gonna be goat-humping then I need to BELIEVE that you are goat-humping. You don’t win a championship by half-assing your goat-f*ckery. YOU IMAGINARY GOAT F*CK TO WIN THE GAME, DAMMIT! Three finalists will compete for the title, for which they’ll have to air hump and suck to a mystery song, and I’m hoping they use Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus songs, because once you’ve reached goat play, you’re already well beyond the line of decency.

And since you’ve all done absolutely nothing to deserve this, here’s footage of competitive air humper Ronnie Rinehart at the 2009 Seattle Air Sex Championship. I guess it’s NSF… well, pretty much anyone.