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A put down (02 June 2005)

Question: How do you keep an asshole in suspense?
Answer: I'll tell you tomorrow.

Bruno (30 May 2005)

There was a goucho named Bruno,
Who said, "about fucking, I do know,.."
That women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
But llamas are numero uno!!!"

Wrong email address (28 May 2005)

A couple from Michigan, who were both in marketing, decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of their hectic travel and work schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their flight schedules. So, the husband left Detroit and flew to Miami on Thursday, with his wife flying down from Chicago the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile.....somewhere in Alabama, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: From: Your Husband Sent: Tue, 3/1/2004 5:45 PM To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just got all checked in and I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful
as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Milkman (26 May 2005)

a father walked past his litle boys room and heard the boy saying "god bless mummy, daddy, grandma bye bye grandpa!" the father thought nothing of it and was glad the boy was praying. the next day they found the boys grandfather dead. that night the father heard the boy say "god bless mummy, daddy bye bye grandma." the next day the grandma was found dead. that night the father heard the boy say "god bless mummy bye bye daddy." the father was realy worried and stayed up all night in the morning he went to the doctor "help i think i'm going to die" but the doctor went "your perfectly fine." the father went home feeling worried but when he walked through the front door his wife went "i'm so glad your here i found the milkman dead this morning."

Beer and scratch tickets (22 May 2005)

There was a little boy who lived with his grandpa. Every day after school the grandpa would take his grandson to the store and he would buy himself a beer and the boy would buy a scratch ticket. One day the boy asked his grandpa if he could have a drink of his beer, the grandpa said "Does your pecker reach your asshole?" The little boy said "No". Then the Grandpa said " Well then you still have to grow". The next day the little boy asked his grandpa if he could drive, the grandpa said "Does your pecker reach your asshole?". The little boy said "No". And the grandpa said " Then you still have to grow". Then one day they were walking out of the store and the little boy had bought a scratch ticket and he starts yelling " I won ten thousand dollars! I won ten thousand dollars!" The grandpa said " You're gonna share with your favorite grandpa aren't you?" The little boy said " Does your pecker reach your asshole?". The grandpa said " As a matter of fact it does". Then the little boy said "Good, go fuck yourself!"

Doctor sex (20 May 2005)

One day a man and a woman walked into the doctor's office. They said to the doctor, "Will you watch us have sex?" and the doctor answered, "Ok, go right ahead." the doctor watched and found nothing wrong. He took the $32 from them and sent them out.

The next week the same man and woman came back to the doctor and had him watch them have sex again. The doctor saw nothing wrong, took their $32 and sent them out.

The next week they came back again. The doctor watched them have sex, saw nothing wrong and finally asked, "there's nothing wrong with the way you have sex. What am i suppose to be looking for?"

the man answered, "Nothing. We can't have sex at my house because of my wife. We can't have sex at her house because of her husband. The motel charges $60 for us to stay there, you only chare $32 and medicare pays for all but $8 of it.

This is funny read this (18 May 2005)

A teacher asks one of her pupils tell me by tommorow what is the first five letters of the alphabet.
So he goes home and he asks his mum whats the first letter of the alphabet "FUCK OFF".
He goes to his dad what is the second letter of the alphabet " yeh yeh yeh yeh"
He goes to his sister what is the 3rd letter of the alphabet "9999".
He goes to his brother what is the 4th letter of the alphabet "Superman"
He goes to baby sister what is the 5th letter of the alphabet " on my little chu chu train"
He goes to school the next day. "What is the first 5 letters of the alphabet then?"
Fuck off
Do you want detention?
Yeh yeh yeh yeh
How many times?
9999
who do you think you r?
Superman
How you guna get out of this one?
On my little chu chu train

New priest (16 May 2005)

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly peak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ''When I am worried about getting nervous, I put a glass of vodka next to the waterglass. If i start to get nervous, I take a sip.'' So next sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1.Sip the vodka dont gulp 2.There are10 commandments not 12. 3.There are12 disciples not 10. 4.Jesus was consecrated not constipated. 5.Jacob wagered his donkey he did not bet his ass .6.We do not refer to Jesus christ as the late J.C. 7.The father, son, and holyghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook .8.David slew goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him .9. David was hit by a rock and knock off his donkey dont say he was knocked off his ass .10.We do not refer to the cross as the '' Big T '' .11.When jesus broke the bread at last supper he said ,Take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say eat me 12.The VirginMary is not called Mary with the cherry .13.The recommended grace before a meal is not :Rub-A Dub-Dub Thanx for the grub, Yeah God .14.Next sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.peter's not a peter pulling contestat St.Taffy's .15.And when you listen to confession, please say ''Tsk!! Tsk!! instead of no shit!!!!!!''

Getting drunk for free (12 May 2005)

Two broke boozeheads woke up one day and wanted to start drinking, but only had like a buck total change. 1st one has a brainwave, and says to the 2nd, hey gimme your change; i can get us drunk. he approaches nearby hotdog vendor, and returns with only the weiner. 2nd alky disses and sez, you idiot you should have got the bun and mustard too. 1st advises, we go to bar and belt back a couple quick doubles and when bartender demands payment, you just drop to your knees as i unzip my fly; you just suck on the hotdog and we'll be kicked out of there so fast we won't have to pay. wow, enthuses 2nd chugger, let's do it. so they tidy up and wander into a bar, slip down a couple drinks and sure enough the barguy wants money before further drinks. they put their brilliant plan into action, the weiner-sucking starts, and they immediately get booted out. they pick themselves up and decide to barhop all day, repeating the hotdog trick successfully each time. finally the 2nd whines, hey my knees are sore so next bar it's your turn to drop to your knees and suck; gimme the hotdog. the 1st says, what hotdog? lost the hotdot about the 3rd bar!

Words (10 May 2005)

One day this boy comes home from school and his mom and dad are fighting. The dad calls the mom a bitch and the mom calls the dad a bastard. The boy asks what the words mean. They reply, a bitch is a girl and a bastard is a guy. Then he walks in on them on the couch with thier coats and hats on the ground. The mom says, wow you have a big dick, and the dad says wow you have nice boobs. the boy asks what the words mean. they say that a dick is a hat and boobs are your coats. The next day its thanksgiving and the dad is in the bathroom shaving. SHIT!! he yells when he cuts himself. the boy asks what shit is. the dad says it is shaving. then the boy goes into the kitchen and sees his mom cutting the turkey up. FUCK!! she yells when she cuts her self. the boy asks what fuck means. she says it means cut. the doorbell rings and the boy answers it. its all his relitives. he says Hey all you bitches and bastards, ill take your boobs and your dicks dads shitting and moms fucking the turkey

Peaches of a 1000 flavors (08 May 2005)

Alright, there i was walking through downtown new york with two beautiful women at my side when i come across a stand called peaches of a 1000 flavors...so i say to myself "peaches of a 1000 flavors?" theres only one fucking flavor and thats peach. So i walk up to this guy who was working the stand. He says to me hello i am habib, what flavor would you like? i say..look habib theres only one flavor and thats peach, lets go girls this is stupid....wait says habib just pick a flavor.....so i say fine fucking....peanut butter and jelly. habib says done i will be right back....so habib goes to the back of his shanti and brings me this peach....im like no fucking way....try it he says. So i take a bite out of it and holy fucking shit it tastes like peanut butter! wait? what a bout the jelly habib? Turn it...around, he replies. so i turn it around and give it a bite...holy shit it tastes like jelly...this is fucking crazy! girls lets go!........wait...pick one more flavor so i can make you a believer says habib.....uuuh....uh...im nervous so i say the first thing on my mind....i look at the girls and say....uh fine pussy. I will be right back he said. he goes back to his shack and brings out this peach....i say no fucking way....he says try it....so i pick it up look at the girls....then take a bite out of it.....i spit all of it out of my mouth in disgust and say this fucking tastes like ass habib......Turn it around....he replies

Johnny Humperharder (30 April 2005)

Johnny Humperharder was in love with girl in his class but very shy. One day she said "i'll give you a cookie if you come over to my house". he said all right and went over.
She said come into my room for a cookie. He said all right and went in.
Lock my door for a cookie. Ok.
Take off my shirt for a cookie. Ok
Take off your pants for a cookie. Ok
Kiss me for a cookie. Ok
Take off my clothes for a cookie. Ok.
Take off your clothes for a cookie. Ok

By this time Johnny was Hard. So then she goes:
Eat me for a cookie. So Johnny sticks his head in her pussy and licks and sucks.
Then she says fuck me for a cookie. Ok
So johnny gets on her and sticks his dick in her pussy and her dad walks in.
JOHNNY HUMPERHARDER! he yells. so johnny goes faster as she moans. JOHNNY HUMPERHARDER!! he yells louder. so johnny goes harder. JOHNNY HUMPERHARDER!!! he yells.
IM SORRY SIR, IM HUMPING HER AS HARD AS I CAN!!

3 nuns and the candy machine (28 April 2005)

A guy is taking a shower when he suddenly has the urge for some candy bars. He grabs some money and runs to the corner store stark naked. He grabs two candy bars, throws the money at the surprised clerk and runs back to his home. But before he can get there, he sees three nuns walking toward him. He braces his back against a brick wall with a candy bar in each hand.

One of the nuns says, "Look, sisters, a candy machine!". She grabs the guy's chin, opens his mouth, inserts a quarter, closes his mouth, and pulls his dick. The guy drops one of the candy bars and she picks it up. The next nun goes through the same procedure, and when she pulls his dick, he drops the other candy bar and she picks it up.

The third nun grabs his chin, opens his mouth, inserts a quarter, closes his mouth, and pulls his dick, but she doesn't get her candy. Frustrated, she pulls and pulls. Finally, she says, as she rubs her hands, "Look, sisters, Jergens Hand Lotion!"

Drive (26 April 2005)

A man in his car is driving down the road and he sees a black person so since he is racist and hates blacks he runs him over, he keeps driving and he sees a preist (cant spell) and so he decides it'd be good to pick him up, so he continues to drive then he sees another black man and he wants to run him over but he decided not to because of the preist so he drives by and he looks back and the black man is laying on the ground and he looks at the preist and the preist says dont worry i got him with the door!

To celebrate his eighteenth birthday, a boy from the sticks decides to go to the big city and get his cherry popped. He meets a hooker and she takes him to a motel room. Once there, she says, "OK, big boy. What's your pleasure?" The hick says, "What's you got?" She says, "How about 'Around the World'?" The hick thinks, I ain't never been out of the county, much less the country, so he says, "No, thank you, ma'am. What else you got?" She says, "How about the 'Missionary Position'?" He says, "I ain't much of a religious person. What else you got?" She says, "How about '69'?" Puzzled, the hick thinks, It's just a number. How bad could it be? So he says "OK".

Mexican payday (20 April 2005)

Two mexicans, juan and miguel, just got thier pay checks and wanted to go out. so they cash thier checks and went to the bar.

When they got to the bar they noticed that all the women were already taken by other men. juan turns to miguel and says, "eh miguel, how do these men get all the ladies? we need to get some ladies."

Miguel replys,"you smell that juan? they have the cologne. ladies like the cologne."

So the mexicans go to the store to get some colonge. when they get there miguel says to the clerk behind the counter, "hey lady, we need some cologne so we smell nice for the ladies".

She replys, "well we have this new fragrance called come to me." she sprays a sample on miguels arm and he smells it.

Then he turns to juan and says, "eh juan, this smell like cum to you?"

3 virgins (18 April 2005)

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within
short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex
life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard
from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but
then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:
"Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her
daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the
wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges". Mom now knew to go
straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the
Benson&Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly
embarrassed but still happy for her daughter

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for
a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then
after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky
handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest
Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst,
and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said "Three times a
day, seven days a week, both ways."

The odd couple (16 April 2005)

Two bums were walking down the train tracks. It was the middle of July in Georgia. Really hot, really humid. Soon after their journey began, the wind died down. The first bum, Lonzo sniffs the air in disgust. He turns to Gary and asks, "Hey!, Hey buddy did you shit your pants"? Gary looks innocently at him and says,"No". After about another Mile, Lonzo again asks Gary, "Hey Man! Did you shit your fucking pants or what"? Gary again replies"Nope, I swear it."
So another mile they went. The stench was now bringing Lonzo to a vomit fest when he Stopped and demanded Gary to Prove himself." I know you're lying man, I smell shit! Pull down your drawers!" So Gary drops his pants and there's shit all up and down his legs, in his shoes. "Why the fuck did you lie to me Gary?" "Oh, "He says embarrassed, I thought you meant today....."

Elephant penis (14 April 2005)

Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk
out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.
His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled
that woman."

Mini me (12 April 2005)

Two men have won the lotto and one of them is a midget they have not ever had sex before so they pay 4 two prozzys and a 5 star hotle so the tall man gos to the room next door to the midget and he gets his prozzy but he cant get a bonner and all he can hear next door is 1 2 3 arh 1 2 3 arh 1 2 3 arh and then the midget comes out sweting and the tall man says sounds like you had a good time so the midget it says good time couldnt even get on the fucking bed

Lil boy who cried choochoo (10 April 2005)

There once was a boy named jonny he was three years old and it was his birthday and he got all dirty so his mom says jonny go take a shower and he says take one with me and she does so she says dont look up but he looks up and he says mommy whats that and she says thats my uhhhh tunnel o he says and then again this happens but its his dad now and he says whatever you do dont look up and yet he does he asks daddy whats that o its my choochoo train and he says o this time it happened again but this time its his gramma she says dont look way up but he does and he asks what are those she says there my flash lights and she says o that night he went to bed with his parents and they said dont look under the cover but he does then he screams gramma gramma turn on your flash lights daddys choo choo is going in mommas tunnel

Blind man and a dirty fork (08 April 2005)

One day there was a blind man who walked in to this restorant and asked for a dirty fork so he could smell it and have that for dinner so the restorant owner gives the blind man a dirty fork and the blind man says i will have speghetti. The next the blind man came in to the restoirant and asked for a dirty fork and had lasagna. The next day the restorant owner seen the blind man coming he took a clean fork and told his wife to rub it on her pussy and then he gave the fork to the blind man and said i didnt know Mary worked here.

The creation of pussy (06 April 2005)

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
the lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.

Suck this piece pipe (04 April 2005)

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied.......................
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did work, medicine man free, Indian man all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and shook his head, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

60sec (29 March 2005)

Have you heard about 60 second sex ? When they answer no you say have you got a minute

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