I got a message recently from someone (who shall remain nameless) asking me for tips on how to get his girlfriend interested in bondage and bdsm. This sounded like great fun (any good writer loves to hear himself talk XD) and I was more than happy to spot him some advice. But then I thought, why just him? After all there's tons of people out there who love bondage but are too scared or embarrassed to introduce the subject to their romantic partner. So I decided to write this guide on how you can bring bondage back to the bedroom (LOL alliteration).

One small note before we begin:I am a heterosexual man who likes seeing girls tied up, so this essay will focus on how men can introduce their girlfriends or wives to bondage. In the bdsm community we call that an M/f relationship, where the man is the dom and the woman is the sub. While I'd like to think that this advice is generalized enough to apply to any couple experimenting with bondage, keep in mind that what I'm about to say may not apply to someone in an F/m, M/m, or F/f relationship. (Also it gives me an excuse not to have to use neutral gender pronouns. Just a matter of personal convenience.)

And with that, we're off!

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Broaching the topicThis ironically seems to be the thing guys struggle with the most, and yet it's by far the easiest part. How do you bring up the topic of bondage with your girl without freaking her out? Well, and there's really no other way to say this, you just do it.

Seriously, it really is just that simple. The next time she's in the mood, ask her something like "Hey, you wanna try something new tonight?" and go from there. Or if the two of you are having a conversation about sex, ask her if she's ever thought about bondage before. A great time to do this is after you've already had sex and you're in the "cuddle" stage afterward. Ask her to share some of her sexual fantasies with you. I did this with my last girlfriend and was surprised to discover that she was interested in experimenting with bondage but was too embarrassed to say so. If that happens to you, you're made in the shade. All you have to do now is start planning the how and when of your bondage games (more on that later).

But I know what you're thinking. What if I bring it up with her and she says no? Well sorry to tell you this, but if she flat-out says "no, I'm not interested in letting you tie me up" you're probably boned (so to speak). If a woman isn't interested then she isn't interested and bugging her about it won't do your relationship any good. If a woman asked me if I would like to be tied up during sex and I said no, I would expect her to respect my wishes. The same standard applies in reverse.

Whatever you do don't even fucking THINK about forcing her into it. Jettison any and all fantasies you might have about women discovering a secret love for bondage after being tied up against their will. This is pure fiction. It does not happen in real life. What WILL happen in real life is you serving time in the slammer for sexual assault if you're stupid enough to think you can tie your woman down and "teach" her to like bondage. You'll go to jail for it and you'll deserve it.

Yes, there are some women who entertain fantasies about being kidnapped, bound, and ravished by a big strapping he-man. But they are fantasies, nothing more. Those women may enjoy role-playing a scene like that, but I fucking guarantee you not a single one of them actually wants to be abducted, tied down, and raped. And they will not hesitate to tell you so if you ask them.

In short, if the answer is no, let it go.

On the other hand, if you ask your girl about bondage and she gives a vague or lukewarm response without actually saying no to you, you've still got a chance. But it'll take some work.

Gently introducing your girl to bondageThis is the tricky part. You're going to have to introduce her to bondage very slowly to avoid scaring her off.

Before you actually get to the bondage, you may have to do some give-and-take. If your wife/girlfriend is hesitant to try bondage but not totally opposed to it, offer to fulfill one of her sexual fantasies (every woman has a ton of them) if she will at least try some light bondage. For a man, there's a good chance this will mean doing something that you may find difficult or embarrassing (like watching Steel Magnolias). You may have to go a long time without getting any sexual satisfaction yourself. Just grit your teeth and do it. It will pay off big-time later.

Now, once you've got her in a position where she's willing to give bondage a try, remember to go slow with it. Don't think you can rope her into a back-breaking hogtie or start whipping the skin off her back on the first night.

Start off with a very basic plan. Have her lay on her back on the bed with her arms cuffed or tied (very loosely and with something very soft) to the headboard while you have sex. If she agrees to a spanking, have her bend over your knee and give her a few playful slaps on the behind, making sure to ask her if you're hitting too hard. If she agrees to a gag, start off with a very simple cleave-gag that won't freak her out or have any chance of causing breathing problems.

Actually doing the deedOkay, so you've broached the topic, convinced her to give bondage a try, you have an idea what you want to do, and now you and your woman are in the bedroom about to get busy.

1) Getting started:Before you actually get down to business, explain to her in detail what you are going to do to her. Do a small demonstration if you have to. If she's nervous about bondage (as many women are) it will put her at ease to know that you do have this planned out and you aren't just going to strap her down and brutalize her all night.

And again, keep in mind that at this point you should still be taking it slow. Unless you've hit the jackpot and stumbled onto a girl who already loves kinky sex, you should only be using very light, very soft bondage. Once you've done bondage enough times to get her hooked on it, then and only then can you move on to more extreme ties, positions, and equipment. Indeed, chances are she will demand it sooner or later.

2) Safe-word:Explain to her the concept of a safe-word. A safe-word is a signal used by bdsm practitioners for when a sub wants the scene to stop. You don't want to rely on words like "no" or "stop" because those could easily be misinterpreted. I had a rather embarrassing incident with this when I was just starting out in the bdsm community. I was having sex with a girl when she said something to the effect of "Please, oh god, stop, you're hurting me!" Needless to say I stopped immediately and asked if she was alright. She very angrily told me that she was just role-playing and I had stopped right when she was about to climax.

So when you pick a safe-word, pick something your lady is unlikely to shout out in the throes of love-making. "Red" is a popular choice, but it can be anything you want. Lots of people just use "safe-word". You can also use multiple words to signify different things. So for instance, "yellow" for "slow down" or "that hurts, not so hard", and "red" for "OMFG I'm in agony stop everything now!"

Now if your woman has agreed to be gagged you may have to get creative here. She may not be able to properly enunciate a safe-word with a gag in her mouth so you'll have to give her some other way to signal that she wants to be let out. I personally have had some success with keys. Have your girlfriend slip a keyring with a bunch of keys on it over her finger and tell her to shake the keys if she wants to stop. Bells may also work but you have to be careful. If she drops them by accident she may panic knowing that she now has no way out of her bondage.

I cannot overstate how necessary and valuable a safe-word is in bdsm, especially when dealing with someone new to the lifestyle. Knowing that she can stop the scene at any time will do wonders for a woman's nerves. If she gets scared, the knowledge that she can be released at any time will often be enough to calm her down. Also, it establishes a bond of trust between you and your girl, which has OH so many benefits. You'd be amazed how aroused some women get when they see how far you're willing to go to keep them safe.

But please, for the love of Jesus, Yahweh, Allah, Buddha, and Almighty Cthulhu, do not EVER ignore the safe-word! Ignoring the safe-word is one of if not the worst mistake you can possibly make in a relationship. Bondage is built on a foundation of trust. Without that trust, it ceases to be bondage and becomes abuse. If you ignore the safe-word even one time there are three possibilities, listed here from best to worst outcome.

The first possibility is your wife or girlfriend will never forgive you and may even leave you. Either way, you will have utterly annihilated any hint of trust between you and her and you will never get it back. Not without thousands of dollars worth of couples therapy, at any rate.

A worse possibility is that she will report you for sexual assault and domestic abuse. And you know what? She'd be right to do so. Because intentionally ignoring the safe-word IS sexual assault and domestic abuse.

And the worst possibility of all: Being frog-marched into court to face a manslaughter charge because you ignored the safe-word like a dumbass and your wife/girlfriend fucking died. Bondage is a very dangerous practice even at the best of times. If things go wrong and you ignore the safe-word, hurt feelings may be the least of your worries.

And don't think for a moment that if your girl gets scared and says the safe-word you can just calm her down and go on with the scene. You don't know the kind of fear you're playing with here. Bondage is fucking terrifying for an inexperienced sub and the only reason she lets you tie her down at all is she knows you'll listen if she suddenly wants out. If she doesn't think she can be let out at a moment's notice, she'll never try bondage again. So if your girl says the safe-word, don't dick around. Stop and get her out immediately. I have heard so many depressing stories of women who were turned off of bondage for good because their jackass boyfriends didn't respect the safe-word.

General bondage tips

MaterialsIf your wife or girlfriend is a bondage virgin, choose your materials very carefully. You want things to be as soft and as light as possible for her first time. Therefore the best possible option is anything made of silk. If you don't have silk or something similar, cotton is probably your next best bet. Cotton is soft, breathable, and cheap (and it won't make the cashier at the hardware store give you funny looks).

Hemp rope is safe when used wisely, but it also chafes. If you're stuck with using hemp or other rough materials, be sure to only use loose ties for her first time.

Leather and rubber products can be quite safe and comfortable, but they're also intimidating for a first-timer. Probably best to leave these for later.

For her first time in bondage, stay away from metal restraints. You might be able to get away with fuzzy handcuffs, but it's better to go with something else. You don't want to be fumbling for your keys when your lady is screaming out her safe-word. And you can't cut her out of a pair of handcuffs if something goes badly wrong. Plenty of experienced bdsm players (including yours truly) never use metal bondage at all for precisely that reason.

GagsWomen who've never tried bondage before are extremely intimidated by gags, and rightly so. For one they're dangerous, and for another they can be quite a strain on the jaw. There are few things that can freak a bondage virgin out more than being gagged. You really want her first experience with bondage to be as loving, supportive, and positive as possible, so it's probably better to save the gag for next time.

However, if you do want to use gags in your bdsm play, there are some ways to go about it. First, start small. Use a simple cleave-gag (with no mouth stuffing) for her first time with a gag. It's the safest possible gag you can use and the least likely to scare her. (A tape-gag is also quite safe and comfortable, but you shouldn't use it unless you're lucky enough to have an adventurous girlfriend.) Second, let her get used to it. Gags put a serious strain on the jaw muscles, so don't start pushing her to try a 3-inch ballgag right away. Let her build up a tolerance for smaller gags before you move on to the huge gob-stoppers.

A friend of mine once shared with me that when he introduced his wife to a gag he encouraged her to wear the gag around the house, unbound and able to spit it out at any time. It not only helped her muscles become accustom to the strain, it helped make the gag seem less intimidating.

General safetyKeep the following items close at hand for every bondage session:- A knife or, preferably, EMT scissors to cut her out of her bondage should the worst occur.- Lotion, ointment, or other topical pain relievers (see After-care).- A first-aid kit.- If you do use handcuffs, several sets of spare keys. Spare keys are like cowbell. You need moar of it. No exceptions.

Keep a close eye on your sub. If at ANY time she becomes non-responsive, get her out of bondage immediately.

Know CPR.

Circulation is a serious issue with all bondage, but especially rope bondage. A single loop of rope around the wrists may be an effective restraint, but it can also restrict blood flow. The thinner the rope the greater the circulatory danger. That's why straps are usually the best kind of bondage. If you don't have straps (or your girl is intimidated by them) use multiple loops of rope to simulate a strap or use very loose ties on her extremities.

Be aware of any and all medical conditions your wife or girlfriend might have. If she does have a serious condition (especially heart, circulatory, nerve, breathing, or anxiety issues) consult a medical professional about whether bondage is safe for her to engage in.

Suspensions are a serious no-no for a first-timer. This is an extremely advanced bdsm technique that multiplies all the safety issues listed here ten-fold. Don't suspend a woman for her first time, and don't use suspension at all unless you really know what you're doing.

If you do use a gag, put the gag on last. It makes it easier for your sub to tell you when something is pinching, straining, or otherwise hurting. Only the most experienced bdsm practitioners who know each others' non-verbal signals backwards and forwards should ever try putting a gag on first.

As a rule, the size of the gag and the tightness of the bondage that any woman can handle is inversely proportionate to the length of your bdsm scene. The longer you plan to keep her bound and gagged, the lighter her bondage and gag should be. Ignore this rule at your peril. You will end up with a very sore and very angry woman afterwards.

One final safety note: Never, never, NEVER leave a bound and gagged woman alone! This is almost criminally dangerous even for the most experienced bdsm practitioners. Don't ever do it. You can pretend to leave her alone as part of a role-play, but you should never actually leave her alone. If something happens to her while you're out of the room you will be unable to help her, and seconds may mean the difference between life and death. So to sum up, if you have to leave the room for any reason, by god, you'd better either untie her or sling her over your shoulder and take her with you.

After-careSome in the bdsm community would argue that this is the most important part of the bondage experience, and I tend to agree.

After-care is what you do after you've had your fun and your girl is no longer tied up. It means taking care of any scrapes and bruises, sore joints, or rope-marks she may have acquired during the scene. Depending on how intense the bondage was, after-care may last quite a while.

That said, it's not quite as involved as it sounds. Unless you're a Klingon you shouldn't have to set any broken bones or stitch any open wounds after sex (lol reference). But you probably will have to deal with some minor aches and pains. If your girl was tied with her arms above her head or behind her back, her shoulders are probably going to be quite stiff by the time you're done. If you used rope for your bindings, there's a fair to decent chance of some minor rope-burns or at least some deep marks. If you gave your girl a spanking, she may have welts or bruises to deal with. You need to take care of these things now, or they will hurt a lot worse later. If your lady is feeling sore, give her a nice massage to rub the aches and pains away (in fact that's good advice after every time you have sex). If she's a little bruised or scraped up, rub some soothing ointment on her. If she's feeling tired and worn out, go get her something to drink.

And for god's sake man, get your cuddle on! You think women love to cuddle after sex? You have no idea how much they love cuddling after kinky bondage sex. Women need to cuddle. It's how they know we're emotionally invested in the relationship. That we appreciate them for more than just letting us fuck them.

Cuddling is doubly-important after bondage sex, particularly if it's her first time. No matter how much she might enjoy it, bondage is still an inherently traumatic experience. Your wife or girlfriend has literally been tied down, beaten, and forcibly penetrated by the man she loves. She may have agreed to it, but I guarantee you it still scared her a little. No matter how much she enjoyed herself, no matter how many times her logical left-brain tells her "it's okay, I agreed to this, and he didn't hurt me just like he promised", her emotional right-brain is still buzzing with confusion and fear. Understandably so, since what you just did to her has a superficial similarity to rape. If you leave her alone to stew in her own thoughts her brain may start unconsciously drawing parallels between bondage and rape, and that's definitely something you want to avoid. At best it will make her never want to try bondage again, which will leave you stuck with boring old vanilla sex. At worst it will mentally scar her and she will start displaying common symptoms of rape victims (i.e. anxiety, depression, disassociation, etc.). Which outcome occurs will depend on how emotionally stable your wife or girlfriend was to start with, but obviously neither are preferable and both are preventable. All you have to do is cuddle. It's not so hard, is it? Just stay with her for a while and do all those cheesy mushy things from those Lifetime movies every woman is contractually obligated to watch. Spoon with her. Kiss her on the neck. Gently brush her hair out of her eyes. Rub her feet and shoulders.

And most importantly, talk. I swear I will never understand why men hate talking after sex. How much of a caveman are you if you can't string two words together after you've just made love? Besides, talking about it afterward is by far the best way to banish the rape imagery from a woman's mind after her first taste of bondage. Ask her how it was, what she liked or didn't like, whether there's anything else she wants to try next time (though for some women it might be best if you leave this until the next morning), and so on. It will help her associate bondage with love rather than pain and abuse, and it will make her much more willing to try more extreme stuff later on.

In short, post-bondage cuddling can literally make or break your chances of ever having bondage sex again.

So there you go. My patented how-to guide on introducing your wife or girlfriend to bondage and bdsm. Follow these simple steps and you should be well on your way to acting out one of my dirty, filthy, sexy stories in no time.

For a good practical example of my theories in action, you may also want to check out the Emily series by Pornwriter: [link]

I hope you enjoyed reading this and I hope any bdsm newcomers out there learned something. Please comment and tell me what you thought!

EDIT: Made some major additions/expansions to this essay. I added a section on general tips (particularly safety) and expanded the After-care section to explain why cuddling is so important after bondage sex.

EDIT2: Oh, wow. Just shy of 200 views in 27 hours. This is shaping up to be my most popular submission yet! I am the Bondage Guru of DeviantART!

EDIT3:Some addendums that I didn't feel like crowbarring into the main body of my essay:1) Stay far away from those "bondage starter kits" sold on most adult toy stores. When they're not low-quality garbage they're ludicrously overpriced. I once saw a bondage starter kit that cost more than $80 and included, no joke, four cuffs, a blindfold, and 25ft of nylon rope. That's it! Fuck that! I'd sooner tie a girl's wrists with a ratty old t-shirt than buy your stupid knockoff garbage! In fact, I'd sooner go down to the hardware store and buy fifty feet of nylon rope for seven bucks and improvise the rest with crap lying around my house.2) If you're buying leather or rubber products from online vendors, be very careful with sizes. Leather and rubber products (especially fetish clothing) are very difficult if not impossible to alter and every fetish store I know of has a strict no returns policy for health reasons. It's quite frustrating to waste $100+ on a latex catsuit that doesn't fit right.3) If your wife/girlfriend is afraid to try bondage it may help to explain to her the difference between bondage and s&m. Contrary to popular media depiction, they aren't the same thing. Bondage is just being tied down during sex. S&m (sadomasochism) is the part that involves whips, paddles, and nipple clamps. A lot of newcomers are afraid of bondage because they think it means getting whipped and spanked a lot. Explaining to her that she doesn't have to go through that if she doesn't want to will help her keep an open mind. As a side note, for her first experience with bondage it's usually best to leave s&m out of the picture entirely. Maybe a light spanking, but no more. Plenty of time to experiment with this later once she's much more comfortable with the kinky lifestyle.

EDIT4: To the people who've been sending me notes complaining about the title, yes, I am aware that it sounds sexist to refer to grown women as girls. But there's only so much I can do with the character limit for titles. I was originally going to title this "How To Introduce Your Wife Or Girlfriend to BDSM" but it wouldn't fit. So I'm afraid you're just going to have to bite your tongue and deal with it.

This is really interesting and I'm glad I read it. I'm still not sure if I'd like bondage, but now that I know how a safe and healthy bondage scene is supposed to work really lessens my fear and apprehension about it. Thank you so much for publishing this.

This is awesome. And even though you meant this mostly for men. It has helped me get an idea of what to do to try to get my man into some bondage. This is a wonderful submission. Thank you for sharing :3

I enjoyed your post. Getting the after play after the main course is a big deal. true regular ol vanilla sex is a wee bit boring. I enjoy mixing it up a bit..whip me, spank, make me like it.. but you are correct, these are fantasies to be played out with a consensual partner who isn't going to tear into your ass like he's the Violent Penetrating Terminator and then leave once he's got his fill of you. What the hell. A little post-coital rub down is nice, because I'm still zingin and still in the mood ready to go the extra mile.

Girls have it pretty easy in this dynamic. Not many men will turn you down if you're offering sex, even if it's quote-unquote "weird" sex. My advice to you is much the same as my advice to men who want to top. Start out small and simple. Ask him to tie your hands to the headboard the next time you do it. Then slowly escalate from there. As for role-play, that's often as simple as buying a sexy costume for yourself and start role-playing. Chances are he'll just roll with it and play right back.

A good ice-breaker trick is to ask him if he'd like to try "experimenting" with bondage. If it's just an "experiment" he won't feel like you're trying to pressure him into doing something that he might not be ready for.

It always makes me happy to see people realise BDSM isn't just scary XD And this is a really good guide, i am a woman that is very much into this, and i am currently, slowly, introducing my boyfriend to this, which is working very well, but i might just show him this. Kudos for writing it! ^^

Here I was, looking for some good smut to read, and instead got a few good laughs out of this (the cuddling thing is so true). I'm printing this off for my husband. I've brought up bondage before, and he just doesn't understand what I'm asking him to try. He keeps thinking I want to be abused. I hope this helps him see the light

Now i know what to tell my guy when he wants action :3 And as for the last part I have a question "What if she's flatchested?" >:3 sorry had spill the beans there, i'll clean them up later XD

In all seriousness though. I think you migh have saved many men's lives here, most bdsm participants seem to rush a lot. My bff had a mental breakdown because of someone going too far with bondage. took years of psychiatric help for her to be brave near men again.

Taking it slow is the way to go, I did with my wife and she now instigates many of our sessions, including waking me up in the early hours of the morning asking for a spanking.Really enjoyed reading this.

So I really do love this, its helped me get a lot of girls alright with bondadge in the past but I have a question. You mentioned rope and silk for tying up a girl for the first time, I was wondering if ribbon (like cheap dollar store ribbon) would work as well because its what she wants to use and I'm not sure about it.

I would probably advise against that. I've never tried bondage with ribbons, but my instinct tells me that it would be very painful for her if it pulls tight. It would be like tying her wrists with twine.

But like I said, I've never tried it and I don't know all the kinds of ribbon there are. If you have the time (and the money) buy some ribbon and try it on yourself. Tie one around your wrist then tie the other end to something sturdy and give it a few good yanks to see how it feels.

Ya I took your advice and tried the ribbon on myself and it cut right in to my skin, thanks so much for the advice I would have to have used it on her because that would have just made her freak out and that terrifies me that she could possibly get hurt.

What would you suggest though for first time, strange question I know but I'm sorta also a new at this irl.

Silk is a nice soft material. If you have any silk scarves those work well. Or other things made of soft cloth (bedsheets, etc.).

Or if you're really in a pinch, you can pick up cotton rope on the cheap at most hardware stores. Just be sure to look up some ropework tutorials online (can't help you with that, never been any good at tying knots).

another small detail I would consider is that for a first time the tie should be easy to unite for the sub itself. Safe-words are a good way to make your partner feel safe, but making this person know that she doesnt depend on you to untie her, at least for the first time, could make things more relaxed. Of course part of bondage is to be really helpless, but hey, you have to start with something easier and more relaxed.

Thanks so much for the advice, it really helps those of us that are new getting into this to know that there are infact people that know what the hell they are talking about and can be asked, again just thank you

You are a genius! Even though I like bondage I guess I'm what you'd call a vouyer. I'm still a virgin. This has really brought out the feelings that both parties should share. When I finally find a guy to "lose it" to I'll have some ideas as to how to approach this topic. Kinda weird hearinv a virgin say "tie me up " LOL!

I'd have to say as much as this makes sense, I doubt having a shattered right wrist and needing to be sedated by EMTs TWICE just to cut the rope off, will make me want to be tied up by my man. Even he knows this. It makes me happy that there is at least ONE person out there who took the time to write this up, however there are just some injuries that can't be cured with understanding or time.

Depends on how "vanilla" he is. If you mean he's never tried bondage before it should be pretty easy. Just tell him it would really turn you on if he tied you up while you make love. If he actually has a problem with bondage for some reason, well then it'll be trickier.

Ok, this is kind of embarassing, but what if it were the other way around? I'm what you would refer to as a bondage virgin, but I've been interested in it for some time now. I have no idea how to broach the subject with my boyfriend, I'm pretty sure he's never done anything like this, either. So basically, what I'm asking is this - how do I ask my man to dominate me?

It's actually much easier for girls to bring up the subject of bondage. Most guys would be happy to tie you up, even if they've never even thought about it before.

There are lots of ways to bring it up. For instance, the next time you're about to have sex say "I was wondering if we could try something new tonight" and go from there. Or after you've already had sex, ask him what his thoughts are on bondage. Basically any conversation about sex can be easily steered toward this topic. (I also knew a girl who said she got her boyfriend to tie her up by letting him catch her surfing for bondage porn, but I wouldn't recommend that.)

I very much doubt he will say no if you ask to be tied up because at the end of the day, sex is still sex. However, don't expect him to be an expert at dominating you on the first try. If your boyfriend has no experience with bdsm either, it'll take some time for the two of you to find your rhythm and figure out what you both like.

Also, it might help to explain that just because you feel like experimenting with bondage doesn't mean he has to roleplay as some evil dungeon master who kidnaps young ladies and laughs maniacally as he has his wicked way with them. Some guys can do that but not all of them have it in them. And if he isn't that kind of guy he'll feel silly trying to force it.

Maybe I can soothe you a little. My boyfriend had tried BDSM with a former girlfriend and not liked it very much. When the topic came up for the two of us, he agreed to try it again with me, saying as long as he wasn't the receiver, he would do what I wished.

Surprisingly, it turned out that he quite enjoyed it. I think it's a matter of a woman's reaction to BDSM. A man who truly loves his woman wants to make her happy, including sex life. Seeing her joyful, no matter whether it's from BDSM or not, will please him usually. You can also try to play a little with him - not necessarily roleplay - to make things more interesting for him. Teasing worked really well for us since it gives him something to react to and also shows him that he's not too hard on you. Talking about the subject: Chances are your man will go very soft on you because he's afraid to hurt you. Tell him when he's doing something right and when he's doing something wrong to make him less scared