How to sleep with your spouse, from a sleep expert

It's all about trust

If you struggle sleeping next to your spouse, the first thing you should know is that you’re not alone. I have so many clients who come to me with this problem, and I’ve even suffered with this myself. There are multiple reasons why this happens.

Firstly, we all have very different ways of sleeping. I like to divide people into roughly two groups – sensitive sleepers and Martini sleepers. Martini sleepers are those who can sleep any time, any place, any lighting and with any noise.

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Then you’ve got sensitive sleepers, who are just what you’d expect them to be – sensitive. Sensitive to light, noise and movement, they often wake easily and struggle to get back to sleep.

When you have a sensitive sleeper and a Martini sleeper in the same bed (which is very common), you’re always going to encounter difficulties. It can be an awful feeling lying in bed when your partner is asleep, feeling like you are the only person in the world who is awake. Then they might be snoring, or shuffling, or just making noises, which of course, makes matters worse.

An innate sensitivity to sleep is indeed a key reason why you may find sleeping next to your spouse difficult. But it’s also worth considering whether there is, on some level, a lack of trust in the relationship and you’re harbouring a degree of resentment.

I remember a couple who came to me having great difficulty sleeping together. When we got to the bottom of it, it turned out the woman was resentful towards her partner because of the kind of work he did, she felt that he didn’t earn enough and wasn’t reliable. Often the things that aren’t being spoken about are the things that lie between us when we can’t get to sleep.

Communicate

The most important thing I can recommend is communication – I’ve seen a lack of communication tear relationships apart, and increased communication saving them.

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If you struggle sleeping because your partner snores, kicking them in the back in the middle of the night isn’t going to help anything. If you think they’re on their phone too much before bed, or they always come into the bedroom late and disturb you, shouting at them when it happens will only cause defensiveness and cause greater harm than good.

Try to set aside some time – during the day – for you to talk. Position your stance as coming from your place of need, that you don’t want them to feel judged or blamed – that you just want them to listen. I recommend looking at The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, which is about working out the language your partner is going to listen to, and try to implement that as best you can.

Compromise

If you have this conversation and your partner understands, you’ll probably have to make a few changes and compromises. Compromising doesn’t just mean they have to change everything about how they get to sleep.

If you’re a sensitive sleeper, don’t wear it like a badge of honour; accept that you will have to meet them in the middle. If they’re watching programmes on their iPad and you find the blue light irritates you before bed, perhaps suggest they lower the brightness, and turn the other way so it won’t bother you as much.

I always recommend getting as big a bed as possible for your room, getting single sprung mattresses so their movements don’t affect yours, and I also think having white noise in the room – like a fan – can help prevent their movements and noises from affecting you.

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Sleep separately occasionally

But if necessary, you may want to sleep separately occasionally. For example, if you’re going out late drinking and your partner has a big meeting the next day, this could be a good time to have your own space.

Sleeping in separate beds occasionally isn’t a sign of weakness, as long as you navigate it in a loving way, and in one that makes sense for you and your relationship.

My parents had a very happy relationship even though they slept in separate rooms, but they would have weekend naps together so there was enough in other aspects of their relationship to maintain that cohesion.

But I do think sleeping together, at least most of the time, is so important to a relationship. It provides a sort of closeness, and a sense of trust, that is difficult to achieve otherwise.

I always think of sleep itself being an act of trust. It’s a leap of faith that whatever might happen that night, or whatever will happen the next day, is out of your hands and you can rest without fear or worry. So being able to fall asleep next to someone, feeling safe and secure, is a big sign of that relationship’s strength.

But if you really can’t, don’t worry that everything is falling apart; with some communication, compromise and a little bit of Buddhist forgiveness, you can find a way to improve your sleep, and in doing so, your relationship.

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