This week: David Cameron, Simon Mann and Sir Christopher Kelly

So, Dave, how went the week? Did you announce a series of strikingly brilliant policies to sort out the NHS? Innovative solutions for the economic crisis, starting with using George's pocket money to recapitalise Lloyds TSB? No? What did happen then? Nothing? Really? Are you completely sure there wasn't a little something? A little breaking of a "cast-iron guarantee" you gave that if you become PM you'd give us a vote on the Lisbon treaty, perhaps? Thus undermining any semblance of integrity you might have mustered and alienating all bedrock support too? Still not ringing ring any bells? How odd. But what's that? You, like, totally, utterly, swear on your life that you'll never ever break another pledge, honest, guv? Well, of course not. Of course not.

The going gets toff

Simon Mann

Well, look, chaps, I've just been given a presidential pardon by some awfully good egg over here, so here's the lowdown. (But let's play it a bit smart with the names – you never know who's watching, what?) OK, go. At 0700 hours: Action Man hits the GMTV sofa. Spills the beans. Explains how he landed in the poo, yah? We were trying to bring, uh, shamocracy to British Equatorland. It wasn't about the oil, right? Got rumbled. Lip stiffed. Stuck in Prison el Diablo. Abandoned by muckers. Especially abandoned by Old Bag's boy. Got that? He lost touch with me quicker than you might lose a well-established trans-Saharan rally route. If you were a fool. Lost appeal. Won't say the house spirit wasn't flagging a tad by the end. Released, private jet home just in time to become Tory MP. Floreat Etona.

No expense spared

Sir Christopher Kelly

WC Fields famously read the Bible "looking for loopholes". It will be a speedread compared to the MPs currently poring over the blueprint for expenses reform, published this week by Sir Christopher, picturedbelow.

Will it be worth selling up and moving 63 minutes out of Westminster to get my rent paid by the taxpayer? What's an annual travelcard cost these days? Will it make a dent in my taxpayer-funded capital gain on the house? Is there a capital gain on the house? Couldn't we have got all this out of the way before bloody Darling burst the house price bubble? Should I sack the wife and hope she wins a bundle when she sues me for unfair dismissal? Hang on – I'll claim the damages on expenses. That's it! That's it! Eat my dust, Fields. Eat my dust.

What they've said

"I don't know what the buns would be in bra sizes but we've gone four sizes up."

David Pugh, producer of Calendar Girls, after Transport for London demanded that the cakes which cover new star Kelly Brook's assets in a new advert for the show be made bigger.

"The coverage Sky gave and the respect they brought to the whole thing was incredible ... We couldn't have got through it without the support."

Ronan Keating licks the hand that feeds him during a Sky news interview about Stephen Gately's death.

"It will weaken parliament – handing yet more power to governments. Branding a whole group of people as undesirables led to Hitler's gas chambers."

Email about the expenses scandal from David Wilshire, Tory MP for Spelthorne, suggesting that the self-pity of those involved has still yet to find its limits.

What we've learned

The first hotel in space is due to accept its first paying guests in 2012. They will pay £2.7m for a three-night stay.

Fraud and error cost the benefits system £3bn last year

The average Facebook user spends three days a year on the site

The long-held-secret ingredients of Worcester sauce

… and what we haven't

Who left the list of long-held-secret ingredients for Worcester sauce out in a skip

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