WEEK 40: NOT WRONG. JUST INCORRECT.
White House to Be Renamed "Multicultural House"
Th-Th-That's All, Folks
Warner Bros. Kills Off Porky Pig; Character Deemed Insulting to People With Speech Impediments
Spic and Span Banned From Grocery Shelves
Packers Concede 'Insensitivity'; Team to Change Name
Washington Plans Monument to 'Persons Who Have Been Offended by Something'
All these headlines are real.
Okay, they're not really real, but you were just about ready to believe them, weren't you? This week's contest: What's next on the political correctness agenda? First-prize winner gets the cow parts game, the cracker thrower and the nose spreader from Dave Barry's Gift Guide, plus a copy of this page autographed by Dave Barry, a value of about $ 50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 40, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 13. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. The Faerie of The Fine Print resents being imprisoned in the agate type, deep in this contemptible feature. The Czar gets all the glory, and the Faerie does all the work. The Faerie has a sense of humor, too. Knock knock. Who's there? Your underwear. Your underwear who? Your underwear the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent. Hahahaha. Chew on that one, Czar. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.
Report from Week 37, in which we asked for a name, a capital, a flower, a slogan and a governor for the great state of Washington, D.C., plus a state joke.
No one came up with a decent candidate for governor. The closest was Jim Kolb, of Derwood, who suggested lawyer "Boogie" Weinglass, because he has the coolest name. This is no way to select a governor, Jim. Americans prefer the more conventional method of picking the person with the squarest head.
A lot of duplications in this contest. (Flower: The Croakus. Bird: The Robbin'. Slogan: The "Right to Remain Silent" State.) The runners-up are in the postcard below. State name wins the photo of Gov. Barry, autographed by Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, who incidentally proposed this as the State Song: "Bitch Set Me Up, Up & Away."
The Winners:
State Name: New Crimea (Peggy Hyde, Charlottesville; also, Gene Lawhun, Gainesville)
State Bird: The Great Horny Coot (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville)
State Capital: Department of Motor Vehicles Waiting Room (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
State Slogan: "A Work-Free Drug Place" (Harry Chesnoff, Great Falls)
State Flower: FTD Funeral Bouquet (C. Douglas Baker, College Park; also, Kara and Sam McWhorter, Greenbelt)
State Joke: "How many New Crimea cab drivers does it take to change a light bulb?"
"Vair ees light bulb, pliss?" (Anthony Roisman, Washington)
Honorable Mentions:
State Name
New Gimme (Joyce A. Sauter, Lusby, Md.)
Meterland (Andre Jones, Cambridge, Md.)
Tysons III (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
Rhode Island Jr. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg, Va.)
New Hades (Kevin Smith, Manassas)
State Bird:
The Heroin (Paula Rubinoff, Oakton)
The Cicada (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda)
The Razor-Tongued Columnist (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The Ruffled Grouch (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The Common In-Tern (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The police helicopter (Mrs. Myron's third-period civics class, Carl Sandburg Intermediate School, Alexandria)
The Tufted Blond Page (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
State Capital
D.C. Traffic Adjudication (Gary Patishnock, Laurel)
State Slogan:
"Expect Delays" (Philip Fleet, Arlington)
"No stopping or parking anytime -- no parking 8 a.m. to 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. Monday through Friday. Loading Zone from here to curb -- Zone 1 Permit Holders excepted" (Robin D. Grove, Washington)
"Live Prudently or Die" (Peyton Coyner, Afton)
"They can't tell me that! My hair itches! The light is right in my ear! Spare change?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
"Everyone Is a Local Call" (Joe Milazzo II, McLean)
"Come for a Day, Stay for a Hearing" (Laura Martinengo, Silver Spring)
"We're Not Just a District Anymore" (Bruce Dean, Frederick)
"The 'Get the $ %#& Out of My Way' State" (Jim Lawson, Owings Mills, Md.)
"The Loophole State" (Mike Thring, Leesburg)
"Uzi Maschii, Mace Femine" -- Men Tote Uzis, Women Need Mace (Jimmy Vincent, Alexandria)
"Carpe Maschine Visitorum" -- Seize the Tourist's Car (Don Plambeck, Vienna)
"We Will Fill No Pothole Before Its Time" (Lynne Larkin, Reston)
"The Lawyer's Playground" (Jed Babbin and Wayne Keup, Arlington and Alexandria)
"The 'It's Not My Department, Please Hold While I Transfer You' State" (Geoff and Jacki Drucker, Arlington)
"Statues? We Got Statues!" (Mary Donovan, Rockville)
State Flower
The Leek (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
The Spreading Hubris (Jan Verrey, Arlington)
The Withering Glare (Brett Rushton, Rockville)
The Blooming Shame (E.J. Carroll, Alexandria)
State Joke
"Why are there so many drive-by shootings in D.C.?"
"Have you ever tried to park here?" (Stephen King, Alexandria)
Next Week: Ask Backwards II