Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Prankin' Chili

One of my brothers told me a story of a pot of chili that was taken up to "deer camp". They did not harvest a deer, which was a good thing because it was not deer season. But they rode snowmobiles, ate like pigs and patronized the local watering holes.

There was something in that chili that produced epic amounts of gas. Not only was the quantity "heroic" but the aromatics had properties that charred the hairs on the inside one's nostrils.

They were the only customers in one of the little bars up there and they were invited to leave. The waitress was afraid that they would not be able to get the odor out of the curtains before noon the next day. It takes some doing to get kicked out of a bar in the Upper Peninsula for reasons of aesthetic shortcomings.

My brother did not provide me with any details regarding his motives but he expressed a desire to replicate the effects of that chili.

---Disclosure--- I was not the author of the original chili. I suspect that the cook did not perform several soaks on the beans or failed to discard the water. The flatulence attributed to beans is due to polysaccharides that humans lack enzymes to digest. Bacteria, however, feast on those complex sugars. Soaking and draining remove most of those complex sugars.---End Discloser---

In general, complex sugars are reliable producers of large volumes of gas. There is nothing notable about the aromatics of the gas produced by complex sugars.

Some readily available sources of complex sugars that can be incorporated into chili recipes include inulin and sorbitol. In addition to producing gas the biological torrent unleashed by these "foods" also have a purgative effect.

Sulfur containing amino acids are required to create the rich stench that makes eyes water, knees buckle and peel the paint off cinder block walls. Foods like cabbage, broccoli, garlic and eggs are rich in these sulfur bearing proteins and that is the basis for their reputation as flatulence producers. Quality, not quantity.

Amino acids that contain sulfur include methionine and cysteine. Both of these amino acids tend to be hydrophobic so they may be a little bit hard to mix into the chili.

Final cautions

Proceed slowly.

Even though these are FDA approved food products the combination of the two classes (complex sugars and sulfur containing amino acids) are likely to have unpleasant consequences....especially if the young man who is dating your daughter drives a small vehicle with languid ventilation.