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“The clear awareness of having been born into a losing struggle need not lead one into despair.”-Christopher Hitchens

When I was younger, I believed that there was an ultimate truth. I believed there would be some great sentence, or some unconditional knowing that would resist the chaos. This sacred state of being would allow for all the upsets, and all the cruelties; not just in my life, but in the lives of the ones I loved, and the lives of the people and creatures and things around me. I felt like this truth, and this understanding would allow me solace; a garden in the eye of the hurricane if you will.

I went to college looking for this. I partied looking for this. I took on habits looking for this. I did yoga looking for this. I made out looking for this. I made love looking for this.I read the Bible. I read the Bhaghavad Gita. I prayed. I cursed. I went straight edge. I decided straight edge was boring. I tried a juice fast. I did meditation. I drank REALLY EXPENSIVE WINE. I read Eat,Pray, Love. I threw Eat Pray Love into a donation bin with gusto. I re-watched Star Wars and tried to make Yoda’s words fit whatever shitty situation I was going through. I made Dalai Llama quotes my phone wallpaper. I had a band, and looked for truth in the music. I studied philosophy. I studied Psychology. I tried Nihilism.

I fucking quit.

And then, I did all that shit all over again.

And yet…..

The universe did not share her secret song.

The great lord of all things big and small did not whisper his delightful husky words of enduring and overcoming peace into my ear.

And you know what?

I guess that’s okay.

Maybe there is a great Novocaine truth to take the edge off the cruelties of this existence, and to answer that resounding, sleep depriving “Why?” .

Maybe, I just never read the right bumper sticker.Perhaps it was put on a Volvo that drove too slowly to pass me, or a Dodge, driving North when I was headed East. Maybe I missed the bible verse. Maybe I drank a red, when I needed white. Maybe I was sick that day in Philosophy.Maybe I just haven’t done enough Breaths of Fire while internally staring at my third eye.Maybe I should’ve stayed through Sunday night that year I went to Bonnaroo. Maybe.

Wherever it is, if it even is,my elusive ultimate truth, is far too elusive for me. Either way I can’t spend any more time looking for it. Too much work.