Thursday, May 13, 2010

So I tried to make souffle today but I just ended up crying on the floor when it collapsed. (just kidding, still 0 days, 0 recipes)

First of all, there are all these bad (and a few good ones) gay movies about who men come out because they meet someone whom they fall in love with. For me coming out was an exercise in self-improvement, like organizing my fucking closet (no pun intended). I have dated and had sex many a time since I came out of the closet at 18 years of age, but it is has been little moments of non-pleasure within a sea of isolation.

Gay men have a way of interacting with each other. Most would call it being rude. Now perhaps this may be my lack of appeal. Perhaps I come across all wrong once I am around men. Now if dating were like selling ticket packages over the phone (which should be a hellish job but is actually very enjoyable, as jobs go) then it would be great. I call people all day, enough of them like me that I make a decent living at a job designed for people not to make money. Now somehow I can handle the random population of Los Angeles (at least those who get on the "priority list," and that doesn't take much- sat in section U at the Bowl for $1, shazzam! ) but when it comes to men, I suck.

But let's talk about gay male behaviors, and I don't just mean in the dating realm....Because I see this on my swim team all the time. And in fact I just have learned (which is against my nature) to keep my head down at practice (I mean as much as I am able to keep my head down) and just not talk to anybody, or keep conversation to a minimum. Also I learn not to take it personally when a conversation just stops....again even if I'm not the one to initiate it.

Ignoring whomever you are talking to if someone else you'd rather talk to comes along. Again it doesn't matter if the ignoring party initiated the conversation with you...

But anyway, complaining about a bad date is nothing new. What bothers me in obsessive hindsight about this date is that I was full of self-hatred when I went on this date and so I sat around and during our conversation about working out sounded like some impossible obsessive blowhard, which I am an obsessive blowhard...but I am only because I feel insecure and then I guess he felt insecure so he acted like a jackass once his girlfriend came around (and proceeded to ignore me and just talk to her- I want to note that I was not isolated for the night because she talked to me and we got along just fine). But what is sad I was tired, punchy and insecure so I probably sounded like a bit of jerk, oh who knows.

Anyway, now that the awkward moment of me opening up my bleeding heart over a two hour date that wasn't so hot is over, let me explain my theory of what dating is like. Basically, imagine you took the Mad Max trilogy and placed it backwards (you know, Alejandro González Iñárritu style ) then that is what dating is like.

Now this may sound a bit weird but let me explain. One of the opening scenes of the first Mad Max is Max saying "crazy about you" (or actually making gestures symbolizing it) to his true love, Jessie, before he goes off to a day of car smashing. That is the beginning, later in the trilogy he is single and has to drive a semi full of sand through a barrier of killer gas pirates, then he has to be dunked in pig shit and fight for his life in something that resembles a giant colander with Tina Turner clad in chainmail and hanging by a wire watching over him. Finally being awoken by lost young people clad in leather bikinis and feather dresses, we finish on those lost young people now situated in a bombed out major city telling the same old bad story.

So if you just move that backwards you have dating...

First you hit some dives and meet lost people telling you the same old bad story.

Then you find yourself awoken from a spell by some lost, annoying young thang in leather underwear who thinks you will help them find what they need (even though what they needed never existed).

then you wade through some shit

Then you get trapped in a no win situation by a real bitch.

Then you battle some really nasty people

Then you end up in a tender moment with your soul mate, Australian accent not necessary.