Tag Archives: fox and friends

President Obama said words again, as he is so uppity-ly wont to do, so of course the dimwitted mouth-breathers on Fox & Friends are OUTRAGED!!!! Damn you, Obama, with your word-saying.
Read more on Fox News Can’t Believe Obama Said Christians Have Done Bad Stuff Too, For Jesus…

Image via Daily Show video
Texas congressman and casual House-floor snacker Louie Gohmert delivered blessed news to the nation on the first Sunday of the new year: he will finally rise to be the savior America needs by defeating John Boehner to become the new Speaker of the House.
Read more on New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner…

In what is undoubtedly the YOOGEST news since the last time Donald Trump said anything, Donald Trump hinted today on Fox & Friends that the situation in Washington has become so intolerable, what with the fraud and the lying and the dishonesty and the Obamacare that just doesn’t work and is based on a lie because a guy said so on video, that he, Donald Trump, just might have to become president to fix it. No, really, this time he means it: He is genuinely thinking that he should be President. Maybe not that he will actually run, because that is work, but he’s very happy to pretend that he faces some kind of Sophie’s Choice about doing weekly Fox & Friends visits or making a serious bid for office.
Read more on Donald Trump Will Either Run For President, Stay On Fox, Or Become Ballerina Princess Veterinarian…

We have read through this new column by walking foreskin Dr. Keith Ablow about four times now in the hope that we will reach a point where it does not make us want to smash our own face with a tack hammer. Sadly, we have failed. So sorry, face!
Read more on What Do You Want To Do Today, Keith Ablow? Try To Take Over The World!…

In the rightwing world, there are a lot of things that are HI-larious and worthy of mockery. Encouraging kids to carve a coal plant in their pumpkins to really stick it to these tree-huggers at the Department of Energy? Funny! Calling a lady jet fighter “boobs on the ground”? Even funnier! Asking if Sandra Fluke is engaged to a man because something something slutty lesbian something? Classic comedy! Calling Texas state Sen. Wendy Davis “Abortion Barbie”? Highbrow humor. (Because she is a blonde lady, just like Barbie, and she cares about abortion rights. Get it? It’s pretty sophisticated.) Suggesting Putin should be our new president since that pansy-ass tyrant Obama is such a pansy-ass tyrant? Hardy har har. Oh wait, they were serious about that one.
Read more on Wingnuts Find The One Thing That’s Not Funny, And It Is Mitt Romney…

TV Funnyman Stephen Colbert is understandably concerned about the emergence of Ebola in America, and by “concerned,” we mean thoroughly terrified that the virus has made it from “Whocaresistan” to our golden shores. Just don’t touch the fluids on the shores. “That is crap-your-pants terrifying,” Colbert explains, “in that crap-your-pants is one of the symptoms of Ebola.” And remember, you can “get Ebola just by coming in contact with an infected person’s bodily fluids, including ‘blood, sweat, feces, vomit, semen, and spit.’ So you might want to avoid the next Gathering of the Juggalos.” But Colbert refuses to let propaganda get to him! “I won’t be fooled into staying calm by the so-called ‘experts’ with their so-called ‘medical degrees’ and their so-called ‘fingers,'” he insisted. “And neither will the ‘Fox and Friends.'” Colbert then cut to a clip of Dr. Dalilah Restrepo attempting to reassure the easily-freaked-out Friends of Fox, which didn’t go quite as well as it could have: She coughed while talking to the three amigos.
Read more on Stephen Colbert So Sad Now That Fox & Friends Got The Ebola (Video)…

Attention ladies! Do you know what you want, what you really really want? Probably not, so how about you listen to these three hotties – WHOM YR WONKETTE RESPECTS FOR THEIR MINDS AS WELL AS THEIR FEMININITY – yap at you about some feminist idea or other that’s floating through their well-coiffed heads while they show some leg to the geriatric shut-ins who make up the Fox & Friends audience.
Read more on Fox & Friends: God Hates Feminists…

Brian Kilmeade got a GOTCHA on some dumb Texas “sheriff,” when he played 911 tapes of illegal immigrants calling the police for help with stupid things like “not dying.”
“So those calls, you have to respond to, even though for the most part, when you get there you realize, they’re not even American citizens?” Kilmeade asked incredulously, after introducing the calls with the reminder that the people calling in extremis “have no business being here.” Kilmeade then looked surprised by the sheriff’s answer, which was basically, “well, yeah, they’re on American soil, what are you, some kind of a dick?” Read more on Dumb Sheriff Doesn’t Even Agree With Fox & Friends That Illegal Immigrants Should Be Left To Die…

Today, from the Department of Oh Do Shut The Hell Up, we have Fox’s Elisabeth Hasselbeck giving airtime to some random lady who is making life hell for North Carolina’s Watauga County school district because they assigned a book that random lady does not like because of how it is all about mandating abortion and prostitution, probably.
On the March 3 edition of Fox News’ Fox & Friends, co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck reported that “parents are outraged over a new book being assigned to their high school students containing references to abortion and prostitution,” and was quick to tie the book to the Common Core educational standards — falsely labeling them the “Common Core classroom curriculum.” […]
The campaign to censor The House of The Spirits in North Carolina’s Watauga County school district has sparked national scrutiny in recent weeks. As Michael Keegan, president of the free speech advocacy organization People for the American Way noted, Lesesne’s censorship attempt ignores that “The House of Spirits is an internationally renowned work that is taught in high school Advanced Placement and International Baccalaureate programs throughout the country.”
Read more on Fox & Friends Will Burn Whoremongering Isabel Allende Books Now, Thank You…

When you think “male fashion plate,” who comes to mind? Tim Gunn? David Beckham? Haha of course not. You think Donald Trump because shiny ties and dead-squirrel-on-your-head hair is where it is AT. Mr. Blackwell Trump puts Obama on his worst-dressed list this year for failing to rock a signature sheentastic Trump-style tie during his Fox News interview with Bill O’Reilly.
“I definitely think he should have worn a tie,” Trump complained to the hosts of Fox & Friends on Monday. “You know, he’s the president of the United States, let him put on a tie. Bill was wearing a tie, not that he has to follow Bill. But Bill was wearing a tie. He’s the president. It’s a formal position, I think he should wear a tie.” […]
“It’s sloppy, it’s not appropriate, it’s not presidential,” Trump opined. “He’s the president of the United States, let him put on a tie.”
Read more on Sexy Fashion God Donald Trump Does Not Care For Barack Obama’s Super Bowl Outfit…

Impacted bowel John Stossel dropped by the set of Fox & Friends yesterday to drop a little truth on hosts Elizabeth Hasselbeck, Steve Doocy, and whatshisname, the guy who is always squinting in puzzlement like he’s losing a battle of wits with a doorknob. Stossel was there to talk about the 50th anniversary of the War on Poverty and how it has backfired by making all the ladies want to stay single because having a man in the house means smaller welfare handouts from the government. This is good news for those of you who are tired of going to family gatherings and answering the question, “When are you going to get married?” Now you can respond with Never Grandma, because getting married means I’ll have to stop suckling at the government teat and I want to keep my sweet, sweet welfare checks that are paid for by taking money away from society’s makers like John Stossel. Read more on John Stossel Explains That War On Poverty Failed Because Ladies Want Too Much Free Stuff…
Read more on John Stossel Explains That War On Poverty Failed Because Ladies Want Too Much Free Stuff…

Greetings, filthy liberal gun grabbers! Does this seem like a bad time for a roundup of stupid gun-related news? We were thinking about writing this periodic update over the weekend, and then Monday happened, and also Sad Lee Stranahan was manfully whining at us for being mean to him just because he’s A Idiot, and it just seemed safer for our blood pressure to stay off of Twitter and the Internet and away from the debate altogether. But now we have had a day or two to absorb this latest tragedy and can write without becoming so enraged that blood spurts out of our eyeballs. We think. As Napoleon reportedly said while watching his armies cross into Russia, screw it, what’s the worst that could happen? Read more on We Were Told There Would Be No Math In Your Gun Fun Times Roundup…

With all the big doings about Syria and Congress this weekend, we thought it was high time to unveil our official Wonkette editorial policy on Syria. Ready? Really ready? Our editorial policy is ???????? because what the hell do we know? We are certain that Sarah Palin is both a terrible and stupid human being because that is a given. Beyond that, we are largely keeping our big yaps shut because until we become geopolitical experts you don’t really need to hear our feels and thoughts. Would that the GOP would follow our lead on this matter.
Read more on Your Official Wonkette Editorial Policy On Syria Is Here And We Regret to Inform You It Involves Talking About Louie Gohmert…

Hey ladies! Have you met Fox medical expert Dr. David Samadi? He is here to sexplain to us all that Obamacare is VERY STUPID to mandate that women and men be charged the same for insurance, because of how the women have the breasts and the ovaries, and they are just bogarting all the medical care, and why should the douchey one, Brian Kilmeade, be forced to pay for Gretchen Carlson’s dumb old cooter just because she is addicted to going to the doctor and getting pap smears and not dying of ovarian cancer? Man, women love going to the doctor like they love buying SHOES, amirite? Gretchen Carlson, you are a greedy slut. Read more on Fox: Why Are Women So Greedy, With Their Breast And Ovarian Cancer Costing Men All This Money?…

You know what the problem is with this whole Edward Snowden/NSA leaks thing? Not nearly enough action! Donald Trump has a solution, though! We need some executions, just like we needed in the Central Park Five case! On Monday’s Fox & Friends (or as RawStory calls it, the “Republican morning talk show “Fox & Friends”), Trump bemoaned how “weak” U.S. America has become, as demonstrated by the fact that Edward Snowden is still drawing breath:
“You know, spies in the old days used to be executed,” Trump said. “This guy is becoming a hero in some circles. Now, I will say, with the passage of time, even people that were sort of liking him and were trying to go on his side are maybe dropping out… We have to get him back and we have to get him back fast. It could take months or it could take years, and that would be pathetic.”
You know, like how we shot Daniel Ellsberg at dawn, right? Read more on Donald Trump Wonders Why We Aren’t Killing More Whistleblowers…

Are you a huge sports fan? Of course not. You are reading Wonkette, which means that you spent gym class defending yourself from a cloud of dodgeballs being thrown in your direction with copies of Mad Magazine and A People’s History to the United States. Well, in between seasons in professional sports, there is this thing called “free agency” where teams negotiate with players and eventually sign them to contracts after discussing salary, benefits, and specific performance clauses. It’s something like one of those fancy “union negotiations” that your grandpa used to tell you about back when he had a job that was able to provide for his family of 12.
The news media that you compulsively ingest like the foie gras goose that you are doesn’t have a defined “season.” Its awfulness is spread out throughout the year to make sure that every nook and cranny of your brain is covered in a fine and even sheen of bullshit. But in the last week, THREE prominent folks whose names will immediately prompt shudders in the deepest depths of your soul have new jobs within the punditry universe! That’s right, GM is alive and journalistic integrity remains dead because Meghan McCain, Tucker Carlson, and Dana Loesch all have new homes from which to continue polluting the world with their derivative brands of battery-acid caustic drivel.
Read more on Hey When Did That Jerk Start Working There? A Guide To 2013’s Least Important Media Hirings…

We should stop being surprised when the party of personal responsibility blames EVERYONE ELSE for its own failures, time and time again. But somehow, we are still surprised! Every single time! We should also stop being surprised when Fox News decides that it can present a completely opposite vision of reality with a totally straight face, and yet, it is still surprising! EVERY SINGLE TIME, maybe someone can help us figure out why that is. Anyway, today Fox News is going to explain at us about Sandy relief, and why it is Obama’s fault that it has been delayed.
Read more on Michelle Malkin Knows Just Who Is To Blame For Withholding Sandy Relief (It Is Obama Duh)…

This is a video of a Fox “News” “Medical” correspondent visiting Fox and Friends to argue that Joe Biden is either a drunk, obnoxious asshole OR a senile, drunk old man with dementia. Apparently these are the only explanations for interrupting someone that isn’t Jim Lehrer—being an obnoxious asshole, or having dementia.
Read more on Fox News ‘Doctor’ Just Asking If Joe Biden Has Dementia, That’s All…

The thought-free muppets who host Fox News’ illiterate dementia variety hour Fox and Friends briefly mentioned the actual news nugget about the unveiled U.S. Olympic Team outfits today — they’re made in China, har har — but spent considerably more time examining the team’s hat wear: berets. Like all the fruity poets and mimes in France wear, amirite? Just imagine if these berets were green. How foo-foo mcgay would green berets be? Read more on Fox & Friends Has All Sorts of Problems With These Olympic Team Berets…

Not even sure what is going on here. Doocey is missing. Has he run off to join the circus? Gretchen is gone. Is she at Betty Ford? And we are left with only rapey-faced Brian Kilmeade Some Other Guy to spout the proper talking points about millionaires Going Galt and leaving the US over waaah high taxes? Brian Kilmeade can’t do it alone, guys! He needs his morning gang of pals for just the right chemistry (TNT). (UPDATE: That rapey-faced man isn’t Brian Kilmeade either! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE WITH OUR FOX & FRIENDS???) And he is getting no help from the relief players either, like this lady, Alisyn Camerota, who says of the millionaires, “Are they just greedy?” because the country “allowed” said millionaires to get rich in the first place, with its infrastructure investments and government spending? And she wraps with “That does send the message that you care more about your money than you do about your country”? WE WILL HAVE NO MORE OF YOUR CLASS WARFARE, FOX & ‘FRIENDS’! Read more on Fox & Friends: Are Millionaires Who Abandon US To Flee Taxes ‘Just Greedy’?…

What the hell is wrong with Fox News execs? So the dimbulbs on illiterate dementia variety hour Fox & Friends broadcast a four-minute straight-up vicious propaganda campaign ad against Barack Obama yesterday. What’s the problem? This is just how the network rolls. But now we have senior Fox News execs saying they didn’t authorize it. This is no way to support Team Red, senior execs. As a blogger once said, NEVER APOLOGIZE, NEVER EXPLAIN. Read more on Spineless Fox News Execs Actually Ashamed of Hilarious Propaganda Video…

So, what’s today’s latest comically over-the-top story from a libertarian/Republican who pretends to care about TSA on righteous civil liberties grounds but mostly wants it privatized and deunionized? Oooh, Geraldo, on Fox & Friends. Well yeah? These always involve the grossest old men suggesting, oddly, that some employee who’s just trying to get through the day wanted to fuck them. Rivera actually helps us out, by saying, “I think there is a lot of merit in people who say it should be re-privatized.” Oh, do you? “I don’t necessarily endorse that” — of course not! — “…but I tell you the last time I flew to Afghanistan I got manually raped by a guy who – the scanner wasn’t working…” He means at the airport; but we can only hope that he got manually raped by a guy while in Afghanistan, too. Read more on Hilariously Delusional Geraldo Rivera Thinks TSA Agent Wanted To Sex Him…