All my life I’ve been good
Do what my mom and dad and God say I should
Go to church and Bible School
To live by God’s rule

So whatever people tell me
That The Bible tells me
I will do

Walk the halls of high school with my purity ring
Unlike those other girls, I’ve got my morals in check
It was easy to do until I got a boyfriend
And pardon my French, but he’s cute as heck

But I made a pact
To keep my hymen intact
And Jesus and I are tight

Never learned about the birds and the bees
I was taught to keep an aspirin in between my knees
‘Cause The Bible says premarital sex is wrong
But Jason says that guys can’t wait that long

I don’t want to lose him
To someone who’ll do him
I need to figure something out

Well there’s a loophole in The Scripture that works really well
So I can get him off without going to hell
It’s my Hail Mary, full of grace
In Jesus’ name we go to fifth base!

Oh, thank you for making me holy
And thank you for giving me holes to choose from
And since I’m not a godless whore
He’ll have to come in the back door
Therefore

Fuck me in the ass ’cause I love Jesus
The good Lord would want it that way
Gimme that sweet sensation of a throbbing rationalization
It’s just between you and me
‘Cause everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see

It’s hard to be as pure as me
To resist the urge to lose my vaginal virginity
To wait until my marriage bed
To give my husband my unsullied maiden head

So take your cock out
Shove it in my ass
Fuck me until you come

Oops! I mean let’s join our souls
And unite our bodies
And fly with the wings of God

Whatever you do, don’t touch my clitoris
If you ring Satan’s doorbell, God can’t ignore this
And no prophylactics when you put it in
‘Cause birth control’s for sluts and it’s a sin

I’ve emptied my bowels
And laid out the towels
I’m ready for romance

Now I’m praying to the Power that’s the Highest
But of all of my holes, this ones the driest
And we can’t procreate if we anally copulate
And God is OK with sodomy, but only if you’re straight

Fuck me in the ass ’cause I love Jesus
The good Lord would want it that way
Gimme that sweet sensation of a rock hard rationalization
It’s just between you and me
‘Cause everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see

I do whatever The Bible tells me to
Except for the parts that I choose to ignore
Because they’re unrealistic and inconvenient
But the rest I live by for sure

So let’s not talk about how the Good Book
Bans shellfish, polyester and divorce
And how it condones slavery and killing gays
Because those parts don’t count, of course
Let’s cherry-pick the part about losing my cherry
And mine it for ambiguities and omissions
To circumvent any real sacrifice
But still feel pious in my arbitrary parroted positions

And don’t you dare question my convictions
And don’t look closely at the contradictions
Just focus on the sacrificial crucifixion
And have faith in its complete jurisdiction

As the only way to measure if you’re good or not
And in a debate, just say to “have faith”
Because when you’re up against logic, it’s the only card you’ve got

So close your eyes
Take a deep breath
And…

Fuck me in the ass ’cause I love Jesus
The good Lord would want it that way
Gimme that sweet sensation of an irrational rationalization
It’s just between you and me
‘Cause everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see

Yeah, my chastity belt has locks
But sometimes you need to think outside the box

I’m looking for something in red
Something that’s shocking to turn someone’s head
Strapless and sequined and cut down to there
Stockings and garters and lace underwear
The guaranteed number to knock the man dead
I’m looking for something in red

I’m looking for something in green
Something to outdo an ex-high school queen
Jealousy comes in the color of jade
Do you have some pumps and a purse in this shade
And a perfume that whispers please come back to me
I’m looking for something in green

I’m looking for something in white
Something that shimmers in soft candlelight
Everyone calls us the most perfect pair
Should I wear a veil or a rose in my hair
Well the train must be long and the waist must be tight
I’m looking for something in white

I’m looking for something in blue
Something real tiny, the baby’s brand new
He has his father’s nose and his chin
We once were hot lovers now we’re more like friends
Don’t tell me that just what old married folk do
I’m looking for something in blue

I’m looking for something in red
Like the one that I wore when I first turned his head
Strapless and sequined and cut down to there
Just a size larger than I wore last year
The guaranteed number to knock the man dead
I’m looking for something
I’ve gotta have something
I’m looking for something in red

The word is faithful, look it up
It don’t mean sneakin’ around
Behind my back like you ain’t gettin’ enough
How ’bout forever,
Just look it up
It means through thick and thin
And pitchin’ in even when the times get tough

The word is easy, look it up
And you’ll see a picture of that piece of trash
Ridin’ ’round in your pickup truck
Let’s try liar,
Just look it up
But you’ll need boots to wade through all the bull
You tell me when you come home drunk
It’s just like you to be so clueless
‘Cause you never thought I’d do this

I said go, goodbye, get lost, get out, get gone
The word is over
Look it up

You said you’re sober, look it up
It’s right next to hell is freezin’ over,
Flyin’ pigs, and all that stuff
And how bout baby, look it up
It’s what you call me and it’s how you act
Every time I call your bluff
It’s just like you to keep denyin’
Save your whinin’ and your cryin’

I said go, goodbye, get lost, get out, get gone
The word is over
Look it up

The word’s forgiveness, look it up
It’s what Jesus has in store for you
But I don’t no matter what
Quit your beggin’ and your prayin’
Can’t you hear what I’ve been sayin’?

I said go, goodbye, get lost, get out, get gone
The word is over
Look it up