...again, am new here. I have been reading and acknowledging that where you guys are, I too, am there...only I just stepped onto the road to begin the walk to wherever it leads. It hurts like... how about like really BAD. Each day. At least for a part of the day. The therapist calls it rape, the literature calls it sexual assault, the law here calls it sodomy- such an ugly, sinful word- and I hardly believe it. I know my fear is real. My tears are real. I know it happened. I now keep a soft ball bat beside my front door and my bed! And why I just don't know. It didn't happen in my home. I have been left feeling so vulnerable. Is this a part of the gift left for guys of ASA? I don't know. Sometimes I think I am a character in one of Poe's stories who is going mad... and yet, I am still functional. Man, it wears me out. The therapist shan't be bored tomorrow!

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you and can relate to the pain and vulnerability you just described. I understand what you mean about keeping a baseball bat next to your bed. After what happened to me, I am always on the defensive no matter what or who I'm dealing with. I hope therapy is helpful to you and can help you move away from a lot of these fears.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

I drove for two days to sit in the warm sunshine of the south last week. Saw a car that reminded me of someone... and the fear just overtook me. Rationally, I knew I was safe, that no one was there to hurt me. But the fear set in. Spent the afternoon looking over my shoulder. Just incredible. Wonder how long the irrational will take over when I least expect it?

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