A report that a new version of the Kama Sutra – retranslated into contemporary English – is to be published as a pocket-sized lifestyle guide raises the question of whether a 2nd-century sex manual could possibly have practical applications for modern relationships. G2's own hasty, updated and abbreviated translation suggests the publishers have quite a challenge on their hands:

Part 1 Who to have sex with There are many kinds of women, and you can have sex with almost all of them including, in certain cases, other men's wives. Neither men nor women should have sex with lepers, but you shouldn't need a book to tell you that.

Part 2 Weird sex There are several dozen types of sex, many of them quite complicated and some of which can be injurious if you don't warm up first. There are also several types of biting, and striking, and marking with the nails. You're going to need a safe word before you start. A safe word can be any word or phrase, although "Yeah, that's fine, keep going" is not among the best options. Should you find yourself in circumstances where you are being shampooed by a eunuch, well, you only have yourself to blame.

Part 3 Acquiring a wife Most techniques are permissible, excepting those now prohibited by law, including drugging and the killing of her bodyguards. Avoid.

Part 4 Your new wife She should be chaste and virtuous and plant the following: fennel, parsley, mustard. Fig trees are optional, because they need a lot of sun and their roots can really screw up your foundations.

Part 5 Wives of other men There are 13 special circumstances in which it's OK to have sex with the wife of another man. Always check to make sure the husband in question is not a fellow member of your Premier League football team. This could lead to ill-feeling that might ultimately affect your chances in Europe.

Part 6 The joy of sex work [NOT INCLUDED IN MODERN TRANSLATION.]

Part 7 Good grooming. Looking young, fit and lovely is important for all men and women and sex workers. The use of ointments, unguents, medicines and regimes that don't actually do anything is highly recommended.