Like so many other freshman here at Columbia University, Tony Liu endured high school under the watch of a helicopter mom. Weekends were highly structured and free time was limited. Though Tony left for his first semester of college with the hopes of being able to escape this pressure and find a healthy balance of work and play, his mother has yet to curtail her surveillance.

This newspaper arranged an interview with Liu on Low Steps.

“CAN YOU HEAR ME?” screamed Liu over the roar of the helicopter hovering thirty feet above his head at all times. His mother waved to the Federalist from the cockpit. “I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS ALL DAY,” Liu lamented.

His mother produced a bullhorn above our heads. “Tony, make sure to say ‘thank you’ for the interview.”

When asked, Mrs. Liu justified her actions through the bullhorn: “I don’t care how old my son is, I will always watch over him and make sure that he will become a successful doctor.”

Unable to remedy the situation, Tony has decided to accept the fact that he can’t escape. “I GUESS IT WILL HELP ME BE MORE SUCCESSFUL,” said Liu. “PLUS, NOW THAT MY FAMILY HAS TO PAY FOR THIS HELICOPTER SOMEHOW, I SUPPOSE I WILL HAVE TO BECOME A DOCTOR.”

“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”