Dating Advice #166 - Navigating the Gene Pool

Does a family history of some medical condition signal a red flag to stay away?

I'm writing with a concern I have about my roommate. She is currently dating a man who shared casually with her that he has a genetic disposition to skeletal dysphasia ("dwarfism"). From what I understand, it's a possibility that if he has children they may be afflicted with this condition.

My roommate came home from the date in an absolute panic. She wants to stop dating him because of this possibility. I asked her why this should matter, as this man has many fine qualities, and anyway aren't all humans sacred?

My friend seems to have an attitude of trying to get the best gene pool. She actually said that she's looking for a life partner who can provide for her emotionally and financially, as well as someone who can make up for her own perceived bad genes!

Is this what dating is all about?

Cheryl

Dear Cheryl,

We cannot fault your roommate for being concerned about having a child with a physical condition that might be challenging to deal with. Many of us accept the fact that God created people in all shapes and sizes and that none of us is perfect, that we can live full and rewarding lives even though we are not perfect, and that we must value others based on what's inside rather than the package they come in. In addition, many of us have close relationships with people who have disabilities, physical illnesses, mental or emotional conditions, or "different" appearances, and value them as fine human beings.

And while most of us would love any child God gave us, some of us would nevertheless not be willing to knowingly place ourselves in a situation in which there was a strong likelihood that our offspring would have a serious medical "abnormality."

Someone with skeletal dysphasia faces more challenges than the difficulty of living in a physical world geared to conventionally-sized adults. People of extremely short stature often face social discrimination, diminished employment opportunities, and negative effects on self-esteem. Some people with skeletal dysphasia must also deal with medical problems brought on by organs that do not function normally, and may experience pain and disability because of the effects their abnormal bone structure has on their joints, nerves, and even lung capacity.

We're not saying that your friend's attitude is good or bad; we're just saying that we understand it and do not fault her for having it. God may not have given her the inner strength to deal with the issue. Another person may be reluctant to date someone who has a difficult-to-manage disease, because they do not feel that they are up to the challenge of dealing with it. Others can accept a future spouse's less-than-ideal health but want to avoid the likelihood that a serious medical condition might be passed onto their children. That doesn't mean that they are bad people, or closed-minded, or prejudiced, or that they think that people who are less than perfect are less than human.

In fact, there are even times that we feel singles are wise to turn down a prospective dating partner on medical grounds. There are simple methods to screen individuals for genes for certain debilitating, and often fatal medical conditions (see Dating Maze #130 ). If both parents carry the same defective gene, there is a 25 percent chance in each pregnancy that a baby will be born with the condition. If a man and woman learn that they are both carriers before they decide to go out with each other, or after they have gone out on just a few dates, they may decide turn down the possible match because they are not genetically compatible for marriage.

Of course, in writing all of this we haven't even mentioned the fact that any person who believes he or she may be "genetically disposed" to a medical condition should consult with a genetic counselor. The counselor, who may order genetic testing to get a clear picture of the individual's situation, can give advice about the risks of passing the condition onto offspring and any medical procedures that can minimize the chance the condition will be inherited. We recommend that anyone who is concerned enough about being "disposed" to a serious medical condition should meet with a genetic counselor before he starts dating for marriage. This will enable him to fully understand his situation and present information about it in an intelligent and balanced way.

The man your friend has been dating should think about the optimal point in the dating process to reveal his situation. Personally, we think that the timing for such a disclosure should be after a couple who is dating for the purpose of marriage has gone on a few dates and is ready to focus on developing a relationship that might lead to marriage. Presumably, at this point two people have begun to like each other and the other person will be somewhat receptive to hearing and considering a disclosure that is presented in an informative, well-reasoned manner. If the other person is not able or willing to continue to date, the couple is spared the considerable heartbreak that could occur if the disclosure were made after they had developed a strong emotional connection. We advise consulting with a rabbi to help decide when to disclose this information, in terms of both practicality and Jewish law.

Your last comment about your friend is something that concerns us much more than the genetic profile of the man she is dating. Your friend appears to see herself as "defective" in some way. Perhaps this is a product of a difficult upbringing, and she fears that she may bring undesirable behaviors into a marriage. Perhaps there are health issues within her own family, and she may want to minimize the chances that her children can inherit several serious conditions. It seems to us that your friend could benefit from some counseling herself.

If she's concerned about issues such as parenting, management of stress or anger, etc., a mental health professional can help her learn more effective ways of dealing with life so that she can avoid repeating the undesirable patterns of behavior she learned from her parents.

Once she learns positive ways to deal with her own situation, we hope she will no longer look for a future spouse who will be able to compensate for her "defects" and will instead be able to look for the right person with whom she can build a life.

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 5

(5)
dd,
February 8, 2005 12:00 AM

to chooce poor genes

Thsi young lady has a free will to choose whom she wants. She may not find the "right " one with all of her quilifications. Somewhere she will loose out. All people sacred, you are right. It does not mean that this man will have those children. Who is to say that he will? I can understand her fear, if it was with right motive, and concern, but if it to satisfy her selfishness then no, her final choice could be the worst she will ever make.
beauty is in the eye of the beholder and shines from within. If anybodyis looking ot get married, they shouldnot compromise, it is for life. If she does choose this man, later on might be a chance of divorce and hurting him more. Maybe it is better that she does stop. Some one else more worthy then she is, will love him no matter what. They both have choice. I hope she is honest with him and shares how she feels. Not just dump him. He deserves more. He deserves truth.

(4)
Elliott Aheroni,
December 28, 2004 12:00 AM

Generic attitudes

The comment from Dr. Jose Nigrin reminds me of Dr. Mengele and the Nazi attitude about the "Master Race". What is a disfavorable condition? Is it my deaf mother who became a highly successful hairdresser or my deaf parents who produced me, a person who has M.S. and became a successful trial lawyer?

Is it my cousin who was born with Club feet who became an accomplished Plastic Surgeon and then a successful
trial lawyer?

Or is it my two daughters who wear hearing aids, are both college graduates and both of whom are getting married next year?

I really believe that it is Dr. Nigrin who is out of touch with Jewish humanity and spirituality who suffers from a disfavorable condition.

Elliott Aheroni

(3)
Dr. Jose Nigrin,
November 23, 2004 12:00 AM

Genetical prevention

Any person that is informed, or knows, there is a genetic defect, in a prospective partner, should take it seriously as a possible risk in having abnormal offspring. Everybody has the right to improve his physical or mental status. We also know, that love is blind, but preventing any disfavorable condition, is a sound mental policy for the welfare of all mankind. If there has been an offspring without having had a genetic awareness, we are obliged to take the responsability to help the handicapped borned with a dissability.

(2)
Andy,
November 4, 2004 12:00 AM

telling it like is

If she is straightforward and makes potential partners aware of what she is looking for and why I don't believe she can be faulted. I hope she brings great attributes as well. If not, I'd say her chances of achieving marital bliss are slim indeed.

(1)
Sidra Shapiro,
October 31, 2004 12:00 AM

Genetic Counseling Resources

Thank you for making your readers aware of genetic counselors. Genetic counselors are health professionals with specialized graduate degrees and experience in the areas of medical genetics and counseling. More information on genetic counselors, including how to find one, can be found at the National Society of Genetic Counselors www.nsgc.org and the American Board of Genetic Counseling www.abgc.net

Sidra Shapiro, MS, CGC
Certified Genetic Counselor

Submit Your Comment:

Name:*

Display my name?

YesNo

Email:*

Your email address is kept private. Our editor needs it in case we have a question about your comment.

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...