Sunday, 15 January 2017

So, the big question on everyone's mind in 2017(clearly) is where have you been? And that answer is easy and complex, so I'll give you a hybrid answer.

If you had told me years ago that my regular lexicon would eventually include words like depression, anxiety, self loathing, self harm, isolation, sleep deprivation, and loss of appetite to name a few I would have rolled my head back so far into my head.

Cut to 2016.

This has been a dumpster fire of a year for me. I have suspected depression for a years now, but when I brought it up to my doctor:

Me: I've been feeling down for a whi-
Doctor: You're just sad.

That was the end of our conversation. 3 years+ of sadness later, I have graduated to extra sad.

Earlier this year my relationship of 7 years started to take a turn for the worse, and that intensified all these feelings that I had been bottling up for years(because remember I was just sad, at least that's what I always told myself and tried to push those feeling away). In September, everything started to snowball. Finally one night in October after one of the worst weeks of my life I finally broke down and told someone exactly what was going on. And to this day that person has stuck by side despite me being such a loose canon.

While I've learnt that having someone I feel 110% comfortable venting to and crying on is great, but it's not a solution. And I realise now that I need actual help.

As a comedian(Yup, that's what I actually am), I actually joke about all this quite a but, the reality is, I am so tired.

I need to get help. Getting worse is a terrifying concept that I don't want to become a reality.

So for the moment I am going to be focusing on getting better, because I miss being me. I may post here and there(I still have some reviews that people sent me...sorry they aren't up), but I can honestly say as much as I love to blog, it is not my top priority right now. So please forgive my extended absence in 2016, and my potential 2017 absence.

The late Carrie Fisher said something that really resonated with me “Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You
don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the
confidence will follow.”

There are things I have to do right now, and I'm hoping the confidence will follow.

<3

Ps. You should also know that I *may* take this post down at some point. It's been sitting here for weeks and a keep editing it, but I never have the guts to post it. Not only that but I really don't want people from real life seeing this. Not now at least.