Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I remember the day we got the diagnosis. We left the doctor's office and headed for the pharmacy - to get more pain meds. We were in shock, but you keep doing normal stuff even though you are in shock. You drive and chat and then you have to call your son and tell him. Then it is real and the future seems hopeless and frightening.

And it has been all of that.

Things like receiving this certificate bring the reality into sharp, painful focus. He would be proud of this.

Friday, May 15, 2009

I am not seeing a wonderful world just yet.I know I am blessed with many things.I know that we should not curse a day that does not bring us to our knees in pain or sorrow.I know that... I have had that day.And so, I am just looking at the blue skies.

Friday, May 08, 2009

I am having a hard time pointing this book in a direction where I feel comfortable.

This has been a rough week... some of it not of my doing and some parts I most definitely brought on myself. Sometimes we make decisions that we think are going to make us feel better, move us forward... and sometimes that relief is short-lived. Then, maybe we over-correct and that exacerbates the whole feeling-bad thing, because we're not just back where we started, we're even further back or deeper down, if you will, because we screwed up. What to do? I have realized that although people say "Time will heal" and "Things will get better", it will not happen merely with the passage of days and weeks. I know... I've tried just letting time pass over me. It doesn't work. Action must be taken. Even if mistakes are made.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

I began 2009 alone, a widow. On January 1st, I could not imagine how I was going to get through the days and nights. There are still nights when I walk down the hall towards my bed and think..."Well, there's another fucking day that I survived".