My Journey To Mindfulness

Sunday, August 13, 2017

So good to see some of my girls, 2 days of baking and kitchen would take the prize for the messiest
kitchen. Takes longer to bake, make a mess but like my food the best not ready to stop, pushing and just doing it. 3 loaves of blueberry bread with an addition of cranberries (a friend shared this now favorite recipe, one loaf shared and other two in freezer if I do not eat one (which I probably will) A really big chocolate sheet
cake (Jamie's favorite) half of that in the freezer, we enjoyed some, put a candle in Jamie's piece, she took some home and put 4 pieces in the frig for me.

A few flowers from the yard for table. A simple meal that was so good, seems everyone
weight conscious except this one but then never a problem since I do not eat much and constantly
doing....

Always a list of help I need for computer and now my two youngest granddaughter's are experts
showing me in a minute. I asked Amelia to show me how to operate new DVD player. she began to show me and grandma replied " please
write out the instructions." Oh my what an instructor, she wrote them out with her beautiful
hand writing and then put little papers on the keys I was to use. Never have had a DVD player
so complicated, It has been sitting on the table and could not figure out how to use it.

Read that Thai Chi was excellent for your balance, have an old tape and want to use it. The only
thing is I have always moved fast and remember the exercise you do is almost like slow motion, this will
be good for me if I can discipline myself to do this, Yoga is slow also and I am learning.

Pleased I can now do 40 minutes of Yoga, after last fall (6 months ago) had to wait to begin again until about 8 weeks ago with 10 minutes and slowly increased. May never will be able to do some poses that were done in
the past but what practiced is helpful. Do not think once the balance starts going in late 70's
it ever returns to where you were in the past. I have a chair and several other elevated items for safety to
use as I get up and down off of the floor. Yoga is so relaxing and good for your body. Was doing in bed for weeks and did not like it - love doing it on the floor on my mat. My son who teaches Yoga in
Thailand has been so helpful in helping me with my practice. Goal is once more for 1 hour
5 to 7 days a week, first thing in the morning before eating and that is usually between 6am and 8.
I do not answer the phone, do not have caller ID, did at one time and was always checking
I like my answering machine and it does not record the many marketers that call and I dislike. If phone keeps ringing they hang up.

For all of you young ones, I did not notice any change in balance, walking or strength until about age 78
and seems over the last soon 5 years all has escalated. 4 falls, nothing broken but surely frightened me as I recovered and took months for bruises to go away I finally am almost accepting and realize
the body is not suppose to last forever and be like it was in the past. So again fortunate there is nothing else
but miss being on the tractor and continual gardening. A past of being in excellent shape, working in the business world but for 110 lbs did a lot of outside work - loved it. Now trying to reach that weight again. Have gained 3 lbs :)

My children tell me I am too hard on myself, you have to be or you will just give up. A past of being self sufficient, disciplined, not asking for help, in control of much -- to a fault. All is changing and it has been and I probably did not notice.
Not ready to stop totally until I can no longer move..... My therapist the insurance allows is so helpful, seems to know me well as he has been visiting for 2 years after each fall :( tells me to please accept what is
happening at this time of life) I am doing better but not where I want to be and may never be. I have shared before a problem or a blessing - my mind is not wearing out like the body, seems they are each in a different place and have become aware that my body cannot perform like the mind thinks it can.... He arrives on and off during the year for visits and so helpful with exercise for shoulders, balance, pain from injuries from falls, encouragement and the just plain arthritis. Wish I could adopt him....

Enough shared and seems like heat has returned and need some rain.

I went to bed early, so tired and then up a few hours later and writing - a bad bad habit.....

Thursday, August 10, 2017

I look at many pictures
and once again realize
that time has gone by so fast
and continues it seems
at a faster pace.

seems those braces stayed on forever

so tiny you were
born 3 weeks early at 3:00 in the afternoon

Girls changed your clothes many times a day and put ribbons in your hair
(over 40 years ago and I remember well )
Your brother and sisters treated you like you were a doll, they wheeled you around in their doll buggy.
Jimmy putting a helmet on your head and taking you for rides in his go cart.
Seems with the first 3 I was so careful - not with you as a house full of children - but
my sweet girl you survived :)

So many memories the time arrived where
times of just you and me at the old farmhouse with all of the animals we raised
then you onto college, graduation and first job at Vanderbilt as an editor.....
I am so very proud of all of your accomplishments in this busy world
and especially of your two beautiful girls and your Alan, .look forward to seeing you and family soon and making your chocolate sheet cake and for the girls a lemon ice box pie - a busy Saturday doing what I
have always loved to do - but at a slower pace :)

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

A misty rain
I walk outside looking at an untidy garden
but
it is loved
Everything is growing
and I cannot capture beauty with my camera
in the way I see with my eyes and heart.

This home, garden, woods where I relocated 9 years ago
is loved.
Thoughts surface lately
being realistic
so much to do here, most of the chores I can no longer do, In the past they were not chores to me or work
loved doing all the maintenance of cutting grass, weeding, picking up limbs, walking in the woods and can do so little at this time.

Healthy, all is well I am told but arthritis and mobility - do not like :)

Thoughts of what younger do
and I cannot do this
if all grows up around me like a jungle
I cannot leave.

Wonderful to have a dream that becomes a reality and then so much changes. I will just live
among the weeds, over growth and what I see as untidy much of the time
others see differently.
Visitors always sharing how pretty everything looks

Can use a minimum of help as that is all my budget will allow
and thoughts this morning as I walked in the sprinkling rain
I am continuing to change expectations of much in my life....

My cooking that leaves a messy kitchen, piles of books by my chair, many to do list piled
on table and my desk - most just takes longer to take care of
and it really does not matter
just seems I am not the same person as in past years...

Will continue onward
soon another birthday
and so much to be thankful for.

And this one is truly happy....

New image received of my Laurie and family in Cape Cod, oh my so covered up and the shelter on the beach.....
never have seen anything like this:)

Monday, August 7, 2017

It is raining some every day
cool mornings are a delight
and it feels like Fall.

I like seeing the turkeys every morning
the drive way will be full
and could only catch one this morning

In the process of filling some containers with seeds for turnip greens, lettuce and onions
have missed having a small garden and will try this next Spring. Some small tomatoes
that come up yearly are green

A dream that never happened was a visit to Italy.
Just finished reading
"A Small Place in Italy" by Eric Newby
my son recommended and it was enjoyed on these rainy days.
Have always loved reading and seems I neglected it for months
so nice to do this daily - once again,

I look at images of Jamie and the girls when they visited the ocean

Amelia, playing her ukulele :)
Caitlin and a friend

Continually being sent pictures
that I look at and smile
with tears in my eyes.

So proud of everyone and time is going by too fast for this ancient one :(

School started today and these girls are the image of their mother. I see her in them
in so many ways. May they be like her in all ways as they continue to grow up !

My Jamie's birthday this Thursday and family will spend time with me this weekend.

My son in Thailand received a Christmas gift from Beth that was mailed December lst.
It did arrive but seems it took 8 months. Also heard Beth, daughter - my Sarah the chef who works in Nantucket will be visiting Jimmy in Thailand - soon.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Just finished "Growth of the Soil" by Knut Hamsun
a long book that I thoroughly enjoyed.
On these long past (I hope) hot days would sit for several hours reading...
My son emailed me and said I might enjoy it and Amazon's used books always offers
a good price.

Once again I read "Elizabeth von Arnim - The Solitary Summer."
Love the way she described her flower beds and because of reading once again I had to order
Sweet Peas. I am struggling to get them to survive with the hot weather. I want them to survive
with a passion :).
She shares that a garden would be lovely with just this one flower.
and "nature herself is untidy, and in a garden she ought to come first."

Have ordered several others that my son recommended, usually buy used from Amazon.

After reading Nan's post from "Letters from a Hill Farm" I have ordered "Home Cooking"
by Laurie Colwin.
Vowed to order no more cook books and have decreased the many I had to just a few favorites.

After reading Nan's comments and some of the Author words, I have to have this book as the words she shared are my words.
"Unlike most people who love to to go out "I love to stay at home."
"My idea of happiness is a vacation at home, morning, my coffee and wander outside to view my garden."

I have to confess that I have always loved to read cook books, at times in the past I would read them like you would a novel,
Page after page for some reason I enjoyed and would always pick up a new idea.
In the past would even take them on the plane to read (now I no longer travel :)

The way I have been for 40 years started at an old farm house, soon to be solo I remodeled and
a new life began for me and my youngest daughter at that time. The life I had always yearned for was beginning.
For this one a childhood of living in apartment buildings in Detroit, a marriage with 5 children,
4 I gave birth too and one from his other marriage, 20 years moved quickly with working, many obstacles and then freedom to become me.

Enough shared on this beautiful sunny day. Gentle breeze blowing, have spent time on screen porch
reading and so nice to enjoy this porch.
With not many cool days have not been able to enjoy this porch for weeks...

I smile
just received instagram photo of my youngest granddaughter, sitting on the sand, looking at the ocean
playing her Ukulele :)

Saturday, July 29, 2017

"I think for every human being
being appreciative for daily life
is the key.

Through appreciation for everything
you are able to expand so much as a human being,
with your heart, and spirit and mind"

Sanchez Mora

The nightmare yesterday
not being able to connect to AOL.
it had disappeared....
For 6 hours talked to 6 different people,
many could not understand, 2 hung up on me
and finally with a kind person guiding me
connected to AOL Gold.
I learn through Google
I have 4 weeks free and then a $3.99 charge per month.
Helper did not share this ?

New site is totally different
and I like things to remain the same
and over my lifetime
nothing remained the same.

So will investigate after a few days
a decision of what I will do.

I do need to not stay on computer so much
but it is very important to me along with my reading.
gardening and camera.

Can do without the television :)

Was pleased with such a horrible day
that I had cooked the day before
so had something to eat

About Me

This Journal is being written for my pleasure, my children and my grandchildren. Sharing some of my past, present and thoughts for future. It is the Journal of a sensitive soul who has entered her 8th decade. My life journey has taken me down a lot of roads with many twists and turns. It's not the journey that I would have visualized at the age of 25 when a third child was on the horizon. I love the warmth of the sun, sound of rain, a crackling fire, simplicity and elegance. Find pleasure in sitting on my porch with tea in a china cup and digging in the earth. I am more myself at this time of life than ever before. A considerable part of my past was in the business world, multi tasking and being super organized. Today I am trying to simplify and be more mindful. Also learning about this journey through aging and Sjogren's Syndrome.
It is not as easy as I thought, even though I have a lot of solitude at this time of life. My days fly by and I do not think I have enough time left on earth to do and experience all that is the desire of my heart.
One thing I am sure of is that I could not make it on this journey without my daily prayer and meditating time.