Tuesday, February 28, 2006

The U/S showed a lead follicle at 15.5, the rest were I think 11 and 10... she found a few more. My E2 was 118, and my lining was 7.5 (I think I have all these numbers correct - I could be wrong) anyways... so that's what the scoop is...

We're triggering tonight after doing 1 last gonal-f injection... I'm terrified. On the one hand... what if this doesn't work? On the other hand... what if it does? Part of my two week wait will be me just vegging and relaxing with my husband... the other part will be me at work... and well we all know how work is going. I don't want to be an emotional wreck while there. Maybe I can quickly move to Siberia???? Or how about... Italy... the olympics just finished they could use me... pleasant, cheerful, nice...

I talked briefly with my manager this morning about the incident this weekend... I don't know how I feel about everything... I feel so guilty for making an error... and nothing is going to take that away but time and prayer... I know on the one hand I'm a good nurse... I also know that I'm on the edge of burnout and I want to avoid that... so again thoughts are welcome... I love caring for people... I just hate dealing with the crap... I so don't know what I want to do...

I do know that I REALLY REALLY REALLY need to wax my eyebrows... we're talking about a step away from the unibrow... will take care of that tomorrow... seriously folks these eyebrows have to go and I just don't have time for that tonight before work...

Sunday, February 26, 2006

My previous post was full of good cheer... I think it was xanax residual... or the gonal-f has finally hijacked my emotions and made me into a raving bitch...

No... no... I'm still nice to my husband and don't want to kill him... must just be idiots at that place I call a job... I had a rough night... I left dreaming that I was "Jeanie" from "I dream of Jeanie" and with a snap of my head and a flick of my ponytail poof they were gone... How come life can't be that simple... Why do I now have to find the courage to send a confrontational email because I won't see the person for about a week and a half and I'll have forgotten but let it fester kind of thing... Because folks my lemonade had salt in it rather than sugar...

I must have jinxed myself... Here are my husband's thoughts... and they do have merit...

1. You don't need this kind of stress and your coworkers do nothing but give you stress. 2. You need to find a new unit... you'd probably be 1000 times happier in a new unit just not having to deal with that bullshit. 3. You have enough on your plate with all of my family's crap - work crap is not something we need... because ya know that study that came out about stress and miscarriage... (He has to decide to start reading now... give me a break he could have picked a better time...)

Here are my thoughts...

1. A new job would mean a whole new different type of stress, meeting people (which I think I can safely say I fail miserably at)2. A new job/new unit would mean an orientation period.3. I'm comfortable here4. Sometimes life is better on the other side of the street. Am I looking for the "perfect" job and not seeing that the "okay" job is just that... "Okay" no better no worse?

We'll see how tonight goes... I'm not sure how I feel about any of this... right now I just want to get through the next 3 nights... and I want to just know that all the labwork and u/s goes well tomorrow. That's about as far in advance as I can think...

Saturday, February 25, 2006

As the subject line reads... life here is more lemonade than lemons... which is good. However to get to that point has taken a long time... in perfecting the lemonade so to speak.

Right now on the trigger front is... no trigger yet. We've upped the gonal-f and will take a look around and have more bloodwork on Monday... This is a good thing. This means that D won't have to try and not feel guilty about not going to work, etc. This does mean that he'll have to call off for 2 nights, but that's a heck of a lot better than 3-4. So lemonade my friends.

Through all of this crap called recurrent pregnancy loss or as our friends at the insurance coding call it habitual aborter... I've been very lucky. Lucky in that my ectopic never actually acted like an ectopic, but unlucky in that they didn't figure it out until AFTER the d/c... Lucky in that I haven't had to have any more d/c's because truly a girl really doesn't need one - but multiples we really don't need. Lucky that I found a bunch of beautiful, intelligent women at the right time to help keep me making lemonade. I'm one of the lucky ones... I've had help making that lemonade from all sorts of wonderful individuals both in in real life and in the cyber world...

Recognizing that I'm lucky isn't easy... some days all I would like more than anything else in the world is to cover up and not let the world in... but it's not that easy - I get emails saying hey what's up... and can vent the whole ugly truth... I have friends that don't always get why I look at the "bright side" of things. Here's a glimpse of the person I used to be... I used to be bulimic and I used to have pretty severe depression - both I conquered on my own. I don't want the dark side to win - bottom line I'd be back where I was back in 1997-1998 and that girl was not making lemonade out of any lemon or lemonade mix you handed her. She was so stuck in misery that I doubt she ever seen the sun when it was at it's brightest even when outside. Everything had an ugly dreary shade on it... I got through that with the help of a few wonderful friends. Now I have many more and a husband that would not let that person ever come back out and for that I'm thankful... Sometimes you need others to fight your battles and though my husband has never seen that person I used to be... he's heard stories of her. He knows what signs to watch for... and he's the biggest helper at making lemonade. I thank God every day for him.

So may you always keep your chin up and your eyes on the prize (whatever the prize is), may you find joy in your daily life even on your darkest days and may you know that you are loved.

Thank goodness I like lemonade or we'd be in big trouble... because I think I've taken care of a truckload of lemons... only recently has the lemonade been free flowing without much effort... here's hoping Monday brings more lemonade rather than lemon's. NBHHY!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Have I mentioned what my schedule was like the last night and a half? I had to work Wednesday night... and while work is something that is vital and necessary for me to pay the bills, it's also been a source of frustration. Things have gotten better in the last couple months... and by better I mean - I don't HATE going to work... which was what was occurring there for a while. Right now things are on an upswing which is a good thing... and I'm not hating my job... also a good thing. However my usual schedule has been screwed around with so I had to work Wednesday night... while Wednesday morning found my date with the dildo cam - seeing Larry, Moe and Curly - (yes, I know that all 3 will most likely not release - but they're still my 3 stooges so that's their names for now). Thursday morning was my HSG which we had to drive an hour to get to.

I had arranged to have someone come in early to watch my patients so that I could leave and get to the appt with time to spare. At about 3 a.m. I got a migraine... took some tylenol, and allergy meds and hoped for the best. Hubs was supposed to meet me at 0630... he left the house at that time... So my coverage showed up - no hubby... of course then things went to hell in a hand basket... one of my patients (who had been quiet all night -the perfect patient) suddenly had pain and shortness of breath... so I got wrapped into a call with a doctor and drawing labs, giving meds, etc. I left work at 0710 - took the xanax and vicodin - no relief from the migraine at 810 so I took another 1/2 of a vicodin. I thought for sure we would not make it on time and that they'd say yeah uhmmm sorry you'll have to come back another time. Hubs drove calmly and speedily - no state troopers out to shark us and we arrived at 0815. My appt was at 0830. Someone was on our side because generally things are quite backed up on the roads we traveled.

We got back to the radiology room - I had 2 gowns and a pair of pants and everyone was very very nice. We met with a OB/Gyn resident who was doing a rotation with our RE and one of the RE's nurses. I was willing to have the resident do this... I'm all about learning and I had also taken a xanax and vicodin before all this started so things were finally a little less tense and my head wasn't pounding like a hard rock drum. I was nervous - what if they find something... what if my tubes are shot... what if they're like spiral curly fries? Hubs was with me through this... sitting over to the side... Things got under way - they cleaned, numbed (why didn't my OB do that when I had the biopsy?) grabbed my cervix, inserted the catheter and things got under way... and I turned one way, then the other way... then they shot more dye through... and it was done. I had some minor cramping, but all in all my fears were totally unfounded. I don't know if it was because the vicodin and xanax or my uterus... whichever the reason I am happy that it was a lot less painful than I anticipated.

Results - they initially were concerned that my right tube was not open... however the second shot of dye showed it spilling out... my uterus is normal - even "nice shaped" and both tubes were open. So... NBHHY - as Grrl would say...

On a side note hubs had some issues - he apparently got warm, sweaty, and had a minor panic moment... he was able to suck it up and watch, but he got that nauseated feeling again during the first dye shot... and he felt bad about that. Apparently we're in sync... when he had his wisdom teeth pulled last March I had a similar thing occur... we both just are really very connected. I thought it was sweet... he took care of me the rest of the day... made sure I ate something and let me sleep in the car. We were both very relieved by the results.

On to labs tomorrow and hopefully all will be okay... if not then we'll deal with it... or trigger will be delayed a few days.... which isn't a bad thing right?

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Larry is measuring 9.5 on the right, Moe is measuring 9 on the right, and Curly is chugging the gonal-F like it's a beer bong and is at 12.5... My estrogen came back at 74 a little low... so we're rechecking on Friday. My HSG is scheduled for... 8:30 a.m. tomorrow... so it'll be a mad dash from work to GR... should be interesting. Hubby is driving... which means we could be late.

Right now projected trigger is on Saturday... I'm kind of hoping to sqeak out to Sunday... but that's just because it would be more convenient for our lives which means it is not going to happen.

Fear is something I try not to let rule my life... however I'll admit to nerves... I started doing a mini panic attack when she found Larry, then Moe... I got a bit better when she only found Curly on the other side. This is real... this could happen and if they keep telling me quality not quantity then I may shoot myself... What do I do if this does really happen... meaning we get a positive pregnancy test (not just the left over HCG from the trigger). How do I keep it together and not fret that it's ectopic or going to miscarry or it's triplets in the time between finding out and having an u/s? I don't know. Saying I haven't thought that far in advance would be a lie. Saying I'm trying to go with the flow about all this would be the truth. As most who know me know going with the flow is not something I do easily... in fact it's damn hard for me to do. Having faith that this will all work out in the end is taxing me... it's something I don't feel confident about... but hope I will in the future.

Until then... I'm praying that things go alright tomorrow and that by some miracle sperm meets egg and creates a beautiful baby... and that everything works out.

I wish that for each and every one of you that reads this blog... that we all get our happy ending and that it doesn't take us to the depths of depression or anger to get there. That we end up on the other side... looking back and going wow that was really a bumpy ride... but it was worth it in the end. That's truthfully all we can ask for isn't it? That it was worth it?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

How many days since Sam has shaved? I think 6... starting to look slightly scary over here. Will take care of that before date with dildo cam and of course before date with catheter shoved up cervix with irradiation of my private parts... It is on my list. Therefor I wll take care of it. I promise. A girl wouldn't dream of going into those two places without shaving or would she? Not this girl.

So... we're shooting up between 6 and 8 pm... and we've disclosed to the in laws.

Want to hear how that went? Interesting... very interesting... my fil was uncomfortable... my mil didn't say much. Between the three topics I don't think she said more than a couple sentences. I'll give a play by play.

All 4 of us sitting on various furniture... olympics is on... I attempt to get hubby to start this particular conversation - where he says "It's your baby." Gee thanks... wish I had a frying pan to hit you upside the head with. So... I drop the conversation starter of... We have some things we'd like to talk to you guys about... 3 things in particular... SILENCE... total silence...

I blinked - looked at them and said do you guys have no idea what we might want to talk about? Finally FIL says... N... and I look at him and go yes that is one of them... we'll start there. So on to the conversation about the pedophile in the family and our response to the fact that no one seems to get that what he did was WRONG! It led to me saying some pretty graphic things... Not so much fun... and they still don't completely get it... they truly are believing the story that was put out... rather than thinking hey that story isn't even remotely plausible... maybe he's lying. DUH!!!!

Second subject went even worse... Convincing my mil and fil that mil's brother is a greedy selfish bastard went over not so well... they think he's suing to "get information from the state" yeah uhmmm no he's suing to get money from the ESTATE not the state... and we're on our cousin's side... get with the program... Our solution at this point is avoid family functions - we already know we're going to be talked badly about... no birthday parties for us (Can we all jump for joy as I seriously hate the birthday crap as does hubby!) Any other familiy function such as holiday's we'll spend a very limited amount of time there... and by limited I mean an hour max... eat and run and that's about it for us.

Third subject - infertility and adoption... boy that one was a barrel of laughs... NOT! It started with me disclosing three miscarriages since the first one and that we hadn't told them about. I was very matter of fact... didn't cry and did get all pissed off when my fil after I mentioned adoption said "You know how I feel about adopting from the Asian countries." My response of "It's not about you and we don't care." Went over so well... bottom line if we choose adoption we'll choose the country that will give us a child quickest. We may even do domestic - doubtful as I'd be too worried the birth mom would come and take the child back... these are our fears whether they be founded or not... it's a worry and concern we have. So then it came to the fertility drugs and explaining those was like pulling teeth without anesthetic... FIL wanted to offer advice on how to get pregnant... I had to point out that we had that fully under control... and that his son was doing a marvelous job in that arena... was unable to get them to not think we would have quintuplets... and explaining selective reduction was just very frustrating...

All in all I had to have a dairy queen ice cream cone on the drive home... because I know that they were probably talking about me... saying "Wow he really married a bitch." Fortunately hubby loves the bitch that I am.

On the abdomen front... have had weird not quite pain not quite pleasant feelings... assume ovaries are doing there thing getting big and fat and hopefully have 2-3 follicles hanging around... ahhh a girl can dream!

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Are we finally moving forward? The answer to this question is yes. My period showed up on Wednesday - which was good. I had my screening ultrasound on Friday and will have an HSG done on 2/22. So things are underway. I've been taking 75 of gonal-f each night and will report for another date with the dildo cam on 2/21.

My first date with the dildo cam was pretty uneventful. The nurse was very nice... and very quick. I am pretty sure that's a good thing... couple things I noticed... the room was warm... I didn't have to freeze my ass off. They gave me a real live fabric sheet rather than a paper towel. The stirrups had footies... and the lube was warm. I of course had been out and about and in the wilds of Michigan dealing with snow/ice storms so had not shaved my legs... felt a little bad about that... but still haven't shaved them. Will attempt to get that out of the way before I go back for my date. I'm hoping that this follicle scan shows... a couple meaning 2 max of 3 growing little monsters...

I'm also terrified that the HSG will show I have a 90 degree bend in my fallopian tubes and that they are the cause of my multiple miscarriages and of course the ectopic that we didn't find out about until after the d/c. I am of course trying to stay positive in spite of all this, but am also wishing that my xanax script wasn't for 2 measly pills, but really a whole bottle full because god I have never had my mind race quite so much about all the possibilities... and truly I'd like to shut down for a bit. Not worry about things, but that doesn't appear to be happening anytime soon.

Oh and tonight - I get to sit down with my in laws... this time for real. We're going to get them to talk about the family issues that are there but everyone is ignoring... and at the end if all goes well we may disclose our secret life... you know the one where we've been having the multiple miscarriages... yeah that one. This of course coincides with the birth of a little girl by the cousin's wife that is a chain smoking idiot... wonder why the kid at almost full term was 5 lbs 3 oz... can we all say growth retardation? Yep these are always the people who can reproduce without a problem... got to love them... or NOT!

Saturday, February 11, 2006

First thought is... boy would I like to be a fly on the wall when hubs tells his parents his thoughts about certain SOB members of his family... It should be interesting... he may also drop the bomb about our struggles... I told him it's better to give them the shock all at once rather than spreading it out... don't know if he'll do it or not- by the way I am so glad that his parents are not like these other individuals... again KNOBS...

Second... Did I mention our injectable class? It was quite comical... it was 2 couples... me and hubs and a middle eastern couple... they were definitely not of the medical profession and the husband was trying to figure out the pen... it was quite funny... The nurse also stressed the importance of "NO BOUNCING" once you start the injectables... because ya know I just bounce so much... the whole risk of ovarian torsion... my question is how many women had ovarian torsion from bouncing? I thought those buggers were fairly stable in there not really freely moveable... of course I am not a reproductive nurse... just your garden variety critical care nurse and I can't quite picture in my head my ovaries and me bouncing along and then decided to turn on ones self... however we will follow the rule on NO BOUNCING... Hubs of course came up with... so that means you on top is out? They are SO taking the fun out of this! He also just about flipped a lid when he read... Increased risk for ectopic pregnancy... thanks but no we've done that once and maybe more times seriously we don't need to try that again. It was not fun for me or for her. We only do pleasant things multiple times.

Third... Work is well work... there's a position in ER open - do I really want ER? Do I really want to attempt to interview, etc right now when all is up in the air? Not sure to say the least. I know I need to do something different, I just feel so stagnant... it's awful. Suggestions - know anyone that needs a great private duty critical care nurse? That pays like awesome wages for part time?

Well off to bed for me so I can go back tonight and do it all over again... i love my job... I love my job... I love my job... seriously it's great can't you tell :D

Thursday, February 09, 2006

First up I picked up my injectables and am now terrified and anxious to start. I want so badly for things to work out... for us to have that happy ending that we just seem to keep missing by an inch... I want this for me and for my husband... it's sad that he's becoming as cynical about all this as I am...

Second... well we're waiting... for my period to show up... lets just say that this is a long wait for me... I know it hasn't even been a month, but seriously we've got a plan... we need to start moving forward with the plan... kwim?

Third... I am not going to get the daughter in law of the year award. At least not after this coming weekend... when my husband tells his family that he can't be around a couple members of the family because they are jackass knobs who are heartless assholes. Yes, this is how I truly feel... who sues their own son's estate? Taking money away from their grandkids? These heartless SOB's that is who. So we've chosen sides and it's not with hubs family. He's also planning on mentioning the can't be around another member and why as well as maybe interject the info about us having our recurrent pregnancy loss... not sure how he's going to play that one... we'll see. He's on his own... it'll be interesting that's for sure, but that's about all I know.

Fourth - uhmm yeah I don't know what I want to do with my life... I know I'm not happy doing exactly what I am doing, but I don't know what else I want to do... I've always looked at my job as my job... and while I enjoy it... I don't enjoy the politics and crap it's just tiring and irritating and well just too too much... So I'm thinking... dreaming, fantasizing, etc...

Friday, February 03, 2006

I had hoped to be happily pregnant by now... Now being the due date of our first pregnancy that ended in D&C/ectopic/methotrexate hell. The sad part is if I were to pee on a stick right now it'd still come up as positive... We - meaning Dan and I had talked about how we would handle having a baby in the winter what with winter being so topsy turvy... right now there's no snow... so our child would have been born during a very very weird winter. But twas not meant to be. We talked about it today... and we're okay... we know that in God's time we'll have a baby. We know we're frustrated, scared, anxious, and a bit terrified at the thought of injectables... and the cost that it will be. I'm terrified of the hsg... what if they find that I have tubes that have a big giant 90 degree angle to them? What will they do then? No answers... I don't know that we can do IVF right now... I just don't know that I'm willing or able to go that far right now.

I wish that infertility and treatment and diagnosis of infertility were covered by my insurance... I wish that no one ever had to go through this. I wish that I wasn't jealous of women who are so carefree and laid back about pregnancy, fertility, etc... I wish I didn't see red whenever I see a pregnant woman smoking... I wish I was naive' again... I miss the innocence of thinking that a pregnancy ends with a baby. I wish I didn't need the assistance of an RE, but am so very thankful that I have a nice one that I like and feel comfortable with.

Bottom line I wish things were different...

So this is how a crappy week ends... with a due date that is not yet passed... no baby for me, and fortunately the love of a very strong man who truly loves me just the way I am and truly hates that we have to go through this. I may have had to remind him that today was our due date... but I don't believe I told him what our due date even was... so he's forgiven... this time.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Lets see at the beginning of our last discussion the level alert was orange... Monday I had repeat bloodwork including the whole methotrexate panel... the results came in at a beta hcg 19. So down from 44 on Thursday can we all jump up and down and scream and be happy.

Today I received the news that fortunately I do not have any weird thrombophilias or immunity disorders. This is good news. The other good news was my platelet count was higher than anticipated. Considering the bruising I've got going on that's impressive.

I have a couple of other wrap up kind of things... First prayers are needed that my best friend's surgery to remove a polyp goes well. She had it done today and I haven't heard word yet. She's been trying for about 16 months (I'm not positive about the time frame, but hopefully this fixes things and makes her ute a bit more hospitable and gives her and her husband answers.

Second have you ever felt if you didn't have bad luck you would have no luck at all. On top of all the crap that went on Friday which was pretty awful, we also found out that hubby didn't move on to the next step for a job he was trying for, and then today I found out who got the flight nurse position. Not to be mean, but I'm way more experienced than her... and well I wouldn't let her touch one of my family or friends. This really pissed me off. Bottom line it's unacceptable... but not a damn thing I can do about it.

I'm adrift. I don't know where I want to go next. Right now all I can focus on is getting pregnant and since that's been going SO well that I just don't know what I want to do next. I know that this feeling too will pass, but boy I'm not depressed, just so very frustrated beyond belief.

I have my annual tomorrow... while there I'm going to ask for a mini script of xanax... I figure that that way when I have the hsg at the very least I won't care so much and hell maybe it'll improve my sleeping.