I'm the founding partner of Proteus International, and author of Growing Great Employees, Being Strategic, and Leading So People Will Follow. You can follow me on Twitter @erikaandersen. My websites are erikaandersen.com, and www.proteus-international.com. I'm insatiably curious. I love figuring out how people, situations and objects work, and how they could work better: faster, smarter, deeper, with greater satisfaction, more affection, and a higher fun quotient.

3 Kinds of False Friends You Must Fire From Your Life

I often read blog posts, here at Forbes and on other platforms, that spark further thought. I just read one at Inc.com, by Jeff Haden, about the types of people you should remove from your inner circle if you’re a business owner.

It got me reflecting on the folks I’ve removed from my life over the years (not removed in the Mafioso sense – I mean ‘stopped interacting with’), or those I’ve encouraged others to remove. It might sound callous or draconian, but I’m convinced that life is too short to have people around you on a daily basis who make it more difficult to succeed or to be happy.

Now of course, we all have days when even the folks we’re fondest of – friends, colleagues, family – make us want to tear our hair out. That’s not what I ‘m talking about (that’s life on the planet). I’m talking about those folks who consistently make your life harder or less pleasant.

So, here’s my observation of the three types of people to invite out of your life:

Energy vampires. Some people just wear you out; you feel more tired and stressed, less vital after interacting with them. These folks seem to believe that the main job of their friends and colleagues is to help them feel better. I once had a friend who required hours and hours of “processing” – his pain, difficulty, emotional upheaval, the unfairness of his past life: everything needed to be gone over ad infinitim. Sadly, no matter how deeply you listen, no matter how much counsel you offer, no matter how much you put your own needs on the back burner to support these folks, it will not be enough. Think about the friends and colleagues who consistently take more from you than they give back, and ask yourself why you’re still offering yourself to be sucked dry.

I Me Mine: My brother used to be married to someone who expected much more from others, on a daily basis, than she was willing to give. For instance, she had no problem asking someone to babysit for her child, or watch her house, or run an errand for her…but when it came time to reciprocate, somehow it just never seemed possible. When she came to visit, everything had to be oriented to accommodate her: the foods she required, the quietest room with the proper light, the cats farmed out to friends because of her allergies. No such accommodations were possible when others visited her. “I Me Mine” people are the center of their own universe, and if they’re in your life, you are always going to have to work around their needs and preferences. Collaboration, reciprocity and give and take are not part of their vocabulary. Do what you can to minimize your interactions with these folks (although they may let you know in no uncertain terms that you’re being unreasonable or unfair not to be available to fulfill their every whim).

Liars. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times – why are you still on the list of people whose calls I return? If someone is consistently unreliable, or tells you things that aren’t true, or says one thing to you and another thing to someone else in order to protect themselves….cut them loose. Liars are the worst. Energy Vampires and I Me Mines are a pain and make your life more difficult – but Liars can create honest-to-goodness legal and moral problems.

The great thing to realize is that you actually have the power to do this. You don’t need have to these people in your life. You can kindly but firmly minimize your interactions with them. And that frees you up to invite wonderful people into your life.

Post Your Comment

Post Your Reply

Forbes writers have the ability to call out member comments they find particularly interesting. Called-out comments are highlighted across the Forbes network. You'll be notified if your comment is called out.

The opposite could also be said. Three types of friends you must keep in your life: 1. Those who build your energy, 2. Those who are focused on a bigger picture and are helpful and 3. Those who will give you honest feedback.

Being the type friend you would like is about the simplest advice. I know you can’t expect to change people, but it is nice to help people out before you cut them off. If I was doing something that put a damper on a relationship, I would like to know that and would hope that a friend would be able to approach me about it.

I definitely agree that it’s good to let people know what they’re doing that’s not working for you, before you remove them from your life. Unfortunately, my experience with these 3 types is that they tend to be pretty hard-core: not really changeable. But yes, certainly – you should give it your best shot!

I work as a therapist and also a small business coach. The people you describe would often be diagnosed with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder (BPD or NPD) in a clinical sense. If you really feel trapped with one of these people, there is a great deal of helpful info out there in terms of how to deal with it.

If you have to deal with someone with Axis II, as it is known in clinical circles, it can be so helpful to look at the symptoms or diagnostic criteria. Even after doing this for 20+ years, I am still amazed at how they suck you in, suck you dry, then spit you out. And then it’s all your fault in their mind. It’s crazy making and very consuming of time, energy and overall life force.

I shudder to think of the amount of time, money and effort that goes into dancing around people with these conditions. It makes everyone else feel crazy and is decidedly unproductive, as well as a huge morale killer. A boss with BPD is one of the main reasons really good, talented people leave otherwise likable jobs. I think if we had a way to study this in a larger sense we’d all see the huge negative impact to the bottom line and perhaps act a bit more assertively to remove them from our businesses. Interestingly enough, they are often positioned as the “star” player, but when they are finally removed, everyone else begins to excel.

Great article, good for you for naming it in such easy-to-remember terms. Thanks!