Ripping the piss since 1888

Following yesterday’s shock announcement by The Speaker of The House of Commons, John Bercow, that US President, Donald Trump would not be allowed to make a speech to MPs in The Palace of Westminster, there was further ignominy for the beleaguered Trump last night when the government announced that the proposed state visit by the president in the summer of this year will now be confined to a brief tour of the East London district of Whitechapel, during which, he will be shown round the market and taken into a local eaterie for a traditional plate of pie and mash before being driven back to the airport for a plane home.

A government spokesman told The Whelk last night: “Trump’s deep unpopularity with the British public is now so profound that we feel it is unthinkable that a full state visit, which would include a meeting with Her Majesty The Queen, takes place.

“We have therefore decided that a quick tour around a seedy, rundown area of inner London like Whitechapel would be a suitable alternative.

“With any luck, he’ll get such a bollocking from the multi-ethnic stallholders in the market he’ll clear off home early”

Local reaction to the news was mixed last, with one Asian shopkeeper, Tobi Delvaskar, telling us: “Mr Trump will be very welcome in the shop. We have some great bargains at the moment; including cut-price energy drinks and 3 pee off a double pack of Jamaican Ginger Cake.”

However, Mrs Tracy Dell, 42, a local pub landlady was less enthusiastic about a potential presidential visit: “I’m not having that sleazy fat arseole in my pub” she told us “We get quite enough racist c**ts in there as it is thank you very much”

If it goes ahead, Trump’s visit will be the second time a controversial world leader has visited the borough.

In 1969, Chinese dictator, Chairman Mao Tse-tung, came on an ill-fated official visit, during which he was treated for concussion in The Royal London Hospital after an irate fellow drinker in The Blind Beggar public house broke a pool cue over his head following a heated dispute over the two shots rule in a hotly-contested game of bar billiards.

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The Whitechapel Whelk

We are a small, but perfectly formed band of satirists and smudge artists. We neither drink nor smoke. Nor indeed, do we use profanity or indulge in the sinful pleasures of the flesh. Now if you'll excuse me I need to get down the pub before closing time for a few pints and half an ounce of Golden Virginia. Hopefully, I'll have enough cash left to visit the local rub 'n' tug shop later for a massage and a rattling good bunk up with a painted floozie.
All The Best.
Danny SoZ.
Editor-in-chief

I’ve a feeling that Mr POTUS will be unpleasantly surprised at real estate prices in London right now. An empty garage with no windows and no facilities recently sold for 1 quarter of a million smackers. He’s welcome to make a bid for my place though. I’ll make sure he gets a deal to die for. I simply must fix that faulty electrical junction box one of these days 😀