Vulnerability

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This is a beautiful drawing. It really shows how vulnerable feels. You are really talented. I feel like you took my feelings when I am in therapy, or fighting with my husband, and put them on paper. If you are feeling really vulnerable right now, I’m sorry. Whatever is going on, I’m sending support and hugs, if that is okay. Xx💟

When I painted this, I was feeling excruciatingly vulnerable, but it’s better now. I have been dealing with some very difficult realizations. Looking back, I can clearly see that two different parts were active when I was 18. In some ways that’s a relief, because it explains some things about my behavior that has always confused me, but makes perfect sense in light of the purposes of those parts. At the same time, it has felt devastating to be confronted with the fact that I had these parts that were really solidly there and took over that existed only for sexual relationships. The parts clearly predate the adult sexual experiences, because they were in control for the first adult sexual experiences.

They don’t come out of nowhere.

I know what my memories tell me happened. I know what the circumstantial evidence says was possible. I know that parts of me insist that my dad abused me. But the side of me that got me through life relatively intact desperately wants to pretend that nothing happened. The wiser me that can look at the whole picture understands why this is so hard, but also sees that when I stop fighting against the pain and accept that the hurts are there, then I am able to do so much better.

Oh, the brain is so complicated. I never know whether to be amazed or horrified at how my mind works. I think that split between the parts that got through life “like normal” and the parts who are traumatized is just so huge and a hard gap to bridge. I’m sorry you have been dealing with such difficult realizations. It’s so hard. As much as it can help to accept that hurts are there, it is understandable that you would fight against accepting that. I’m glad you have your artwork to help you through the feelings. Xx

Hi, I’ve just started reading your blog. Slowly working my way from the beginning. Great picture. It’s brave to show that degree of vulnerability even in an artwork. I love to express myself through art, but there are some bits of myself that I’m not sure I’ll ever reveal in that way again, because it led to me being taken advantage of in the past by someone who knew how to read those sort of signals.

I also wanted to say that I understand the conflicts around the issue of ‘reasons for cutting contact with a parent’. My reasons are rather different from yours, but I recently cut contact with my father and faced a lot of pushback from other members of my family. In the end it came down to a few close family members who accepted my decision – it was enough for them that I found the relationship painful and damaging, they didn’t need for me to justify it any more than that – and those who I sensed would never be convinced no matter what I told them of the things he’d done, because they saw him as a good guy. I’m not going to bother arguing with them, as long as they respect the boundaries I’ve set for no contact.

I love this image. I just found your blog. I googled mama bear as I just had a session with my T today where I had told her in an earlier message she was so good at being a mama bear and she repeated it back to me on the one coin I feel that and other times try to tear her down in rage.. :(. Anyway, found your space as it helps me to feel closer to her sometimes to come home and relive the warmer fuzzy moments in which she enjoyed what I said about mama bear. I might have to start calling her that. Enjoy your space. Will continue to read more. Thanks