Top Funny Spitting Quotes

Favorite Funny Spitting Quotes

1. "God is not needed to create guilt or to punish. Our fellow men suffice, aided by ourselves. You were speaking of the Last Judgement. Allow me to laugh respectfully. I shall wait for it resolutely, for I have known what is worse, the judgement of men. For them, no extenuating circumstances; even the good intention is ascribed to crime. Have you at least heard of the spitting cell, which a nation recently thought up to prove itself the greatest on earth? A walled-up box in which the prisoner can stand without moving. The solid door that locks him in the cement shell stops at chin level. Hence only his face is visible, and every passing jailer spits copiously on it. The prisoner, wedged into his cell, cannot wipe his face, though he is allowed, it is true. to close his eyes. Well, that, mon cher, is a human invention. They didn't need God for that little masterpiece."Author: Albert Camus

2. "Jim Carrey, a comic genius, has a harder time overcoming the public's desire for him to be funny simply because he's so good at it."Author: Ben Stiller

3. "Humor, for me, is really a gate of departure. It's a way of enticing a reader into a poem so that less funny things can take place later. It really is not an end in itself, but a means to an end."Author: Billy Collins

4. "Baggage is a funny thing. The more you have of it, the heavier it becomes and the longer it takes to reach your destination in life."Author: Chloe Maxwell

5. "The inventory process and stepping back in your life can sometimes be a very dark process. But it also can be extremely funny and surprising."Author: Craig Charles

6. "Yes, we could talk to you for days on end about all the bad first dates. Those are stories. Funny stories. Awkward stories. Stories we love to share, because by sharing them, we get something out of the hour or two we wasted on the wrong person. But that's all bad first dates are: short stories. Good first dates are more than short stories. They are first chapters. On a good first date, everything is springtime.And when a good first date becomes a relationship, the springtime lingers. Even after it's over, there can be springtime."Author: David Levithan

7. "If you have spent any time with Barack Obama, you know he's a funny guy. He's a good guy. He knows sports."Author: Ed Rendell

8. "It's a funny thing - when I'm crazed with work, spending time with my children relaxes me. Yet, at the end of a long weekend with them, the very thing I need to relax is a little work and time away from them!"Author: Emily Giffin

9. "The fight unfolded like background noise. White noise. In the foreground, even with his ghastly pale face looking dead in my hands, my fingers clenching his ragged hair, all I could see was random images of Fang, not dead.Fang telling me stupid fart jokes from the dog crate next to mine at the school, trying to make me laugh.Fang asleep at Jeb's old house, and me jumping wildly on his bed to wake him up. Him pretending to be asleep. Me laughing when I "accidentally" kicked him where it counts. Him dumping me off the bed.Fang gagging on my first attempt at cooking dinner after Jeb disappeared. Him spitting out the mac and cheese. Me dumping the rest of the bowl on him in response.Fang on the beach, that first time he was badly injured. Me realizing how I felt about him.Fang kissing me. So close I couldn't even see his dark eyes anymore. The first time. The second time. The third.I could always remember each and every one of them. Would always remember them.Fang.Not.Dead."Author: James Patterson

10. "Love will make a man do some funny things, like tightrope walking across a telephone wire, rather than simply picking up the phone to call or text."Author: Jarod Kintz

11. "Bigots are actually funny to me in the way that people who still wear parachute pants give me a chuckle."Author: John Ridley

12. "I know you can be funny without being filthy."Author: Jonathan Winters

13. "I think you figure out how to be funny by necessity. It's not a natural thing, being funny in the face of tragedy is kind of demented."Author: Julie Brown

14. "People are not two-thirds one thing and the remainder something else. Temperament, personality, or outlook don't divide quite like that. The bits don't separate clearly. You end up a funny homogeneous mixture. This is something that will become more common in the latter part of the century—people with mixed cultural backgrounds, and mixed racial backgrounds. That's the way the world is going."Author: Kazuo Ishiguro

16. "Its funny to see how creativity is used to satiate a misplaced libido. How it shifts from an extension of who you are to a bait of what/how much you can get."Author: Nikhil Sharda

17. "I can do comedy, so people want me to do that, but the other side of comedy is depression. Deep, deep depression is the flip side of comedy. Casting agents don't realize it but in order to be funny you have to have that other side."Author: Parker Posey

19. "When you're poor and hungry and frightened of failure, you often don't have the luxury of high values, lofty goals, and social conscience. Funny how fear and poverty will acid-wash your value set, burn away all the flimflam and artifice and learned morality and leave you with nothing but the urgency of survival. - Dr. Dan Trix - Chasing the Horizon."Author: Rodney Romig

20. "All directors are control freaks and very obsessive. I get the feeling that directors as kids, they all have had a childhood with not too much contact with other kids. They constructed their own reality and they continue to do it. It's a funny breed, directors."Author: Stellan Skarsgard

21. "People never like to talk about their slower relatives. I got a cousin, twice removed, got webs between his toes, ain't said one word his whole life. You never hear about him in the family newsletter that goes around every Christmas. Hell, nobody mentions me, either, if it comes to that. Families is funny about who they advertise."Author: Susan Juby

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Enter with the torch in the stadium. 80,000 people screaming. I was waiting downstairs for the start for 10 hours; I was so tired with the torch. I give the torch to the combined ski cross country that they win gold in Lillehammer in 1994." Author: Alberto Tomba