Wednesday, October 28, 2009

because god loves squirrels too

winter weather advisory: a very cold and long winter.

how do i know? well. you've got punxsutawney phil, the famous groundhog, to tell you when spring will start by his reckoning of his shadow. i look to another rodent in the fall to know what kind of winter i can expect. and this jumpy little friend has never steered me wrong in predicting what the winter solstice has in store. i trust the Sciurus carolinensis -- or Eastern Gray Squirrel -- for my weather report.

my proof: have you noticed all the gajillions of acorns underfoot this fall? i noticed them in late summer in my parent's yard, rocking and rolling around the lawn as i tried to mow. and i noticed those $&*@ acorns in old town when a puddle of 'em left me no traction on a run... and down i went. it means something, people. it means we're in for a mighty cold and LONG winter. why? because god loves the squirrels. those tree dwelling rodents need energy for all that tail twitching and street scurrying -- up to 2 pounds of chow a week, or 20 acorns (according to my sources). so when it's going to be a brutal winter, god makes some extra late-summer food storage for the cutest of the four-legged scavengers. don't discount my theory. it's science. or it's proven by years of intense squirrel gazing -- and isn't science just the latest theory no one has yet to disprove?

oh. and there have been fewer solar flares this year. so... yeah. there's something for the nerds to get behind. batten down your hatches and order your snuggie today! it's real and it's coming! brrrrrrrr....

I just heard that the East experienced one of the wettest summers on record. So, the extra acorns could be a function of healthy trees being able to increase their "nut count." I don't think I need to go into the parallels with humans, but suffice it to say, that photosynthesis and lots of moisture produce virile trees. You can say the trees are looking more Italian this Fall.