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Thursday, April 3, 2014

A BIRTHDAY LAMENT

Forty Years ago I gave birth to you, but when I look at the cherished photos of my precious baby, wearing your onesie, sitting like a little potentate among your many first year Christmas gifts, your chubby face awed by the discoveries at the end of a

Toy phone truck, or see the magical charm in your huge grin and twinkling eyes, a lump the size of the Grand Canyon forms in my throat.

I love you so much, but life has not been kind to us, has it My Son? Somewhere along the way you stopped wanting me in your life, in your thoughts, and in your heart.I made mistakes...monumental ones...ones I look back on and more often than not still can't figure out how I could have done differently.My time is dwindling. When I look out at the world of today, it rivals the increasing thickening of my aging skin. I kept hoping we'd find a bridge and move beyond the inadequacies I brought into being your mom...but some strands cannot be unraveled from the massive ball of tattered hopes and dreams they cling to.There's this break inside me silently bleeding into my soul with each passing day, and even though I have tried finding a common ground, I have to admit and accept the defeat growling like an angry, untamed beast between us.I love you my son. None of the deep fodder existing between us has changed that, but with my life inching its way to my final hurrah, it is with a heavy, so very heavy heart, I must accept you are lost to me until we are both beyond the veil where all the inconsequential is stripped away and love is all that matters.

I don't know if you love me...I DO know you hold me in enmity...but I hope beneath the roiling disdain you have for me, a spark of the love we shared when you were

My Little Man still exists. So on this, your fortieth birthday, I want, no need to say, I am sorry I only taught you to hate me, and I wish you love, joy, contentment, and peace.Happy Birthday, Son.Love You Forever and Beyond,Mom

About Me

I'm a Mom first and foremost. I just had my eleventh book published. WOW! I'm the enchanted pet of two beautiful Kitties who let me share my home with them and my gorgeous and incredibly talented author daughter. I love you, Kat Holmes. You inspire me every day in every way. I have an amazingly handsome son who dressed up two years ago as Sir Robin of Locksley to marry his beautiful Maid Marian at the PA Ren Faire, and am now, can you believe it a Smokin' GREAT-grandma! I am also a student of history, ancient and not so ancient history...though my favorite IS ancient. At least we know how THAT turned out...or do we? I LOVE learning about the Universe, and find many things to keep this curious mind of mine busy, busy, busy. I've also discovered I DID inherit my beloved Grandmother's ability to tell tales. Love you, Nonnie.