Exploring the fantasies and delusions of one woman inside two trying to just "Be"

Thursday, September 16, 2010

fall is coming, well as best as Texas can produce a Fall. at least it will take the edge off this sometimes unbearable heat, perhaps even take the edge off of mine.Life is interesting, and always has proven to be. i stop saying "crazy," eventhough it could still be said; but by saying "interesting" means there is something unique and/or positive that will come of it...and that is growth.that is strength. that is painful lessons. that is forgiveness. that is introspection and overstanding. that is being still, listening to God and finding peace. that is still loving.and i doit is really simple actually.just because certain people who were once my ace boo koo feel the need to keep poison on their tongues, and i choose to remove myself from their bulls-eye does not mean i have taken my love away. just means i am protecting my sanity. protecting love. protecting my heart. i don't want it hardening or changing like my trust factor has diminished.i have gone through several mourning stages after realizing certain parts of me were changing or dying . To realize things you once loved about yourself had to be curtailed because of someone else's actions, physically has caused me pain in its withering. i have retreated, like a wounded animal licking her wounds; but far from being the victim. it is in the retreat where i will resurrect what i once so loved. i have no choice right now but to remain still. wait, scratch that...we always have a choice...in EVERY situation...so...i choose to remain still right now.God is therelove is thereand she is there....she.is.there. and wherever she is...that is where you will find me.this my friends is my truth, and no one knows my truth but i, everyone else has their own interpretations of my truth, which i find hurtfully hilarious. it is what it is.i do me...and i do me well...you know the rest.i think if folks KNEW my truth, or took the time to get to know ME not other's words, they would be quite surprised and ashamed at how it differs from what they think. i have a sick fantasy of them lining up one by one, tear streaked face, some falling to their knees, apologizing for all their transgressions. i often have been impressed, though often broken into pieces because of it, of the creativity and cleverness of the wicked web's weave.the closest one's have the ugliest designs.oh if you knew...lol...it would be quite ironic actually.yet details are not necessary, when others have their own colors to paint my life. i throw my hands up, not in defeat but in enough! i refuse to comply.those who refuse to let the weeds fill their ears, and choose to see my actions for their own will love me as love is suppose to be.we all got our fucked up shit. i claim mine darling...do you?so the wolf retreats to the cave of her heart, healing and rejuvenating, becoming stronger in a gentler warrior kind of way. Yet careful, a wounded animal is most dangerous.She is fiercely protective of her cubs, and the alpha Zeus who reigns beside her...i will do what is necessary for our survival.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

i am a child of God, who has been given some very special gifts. the older i am becoming, the more aware i am of them. and the more aware i am of them, well i am truly a blessed woman to be chosen in this manner.now i do know we all are given gifts, but not all of us want them or their responsibility...or remain still enough to learn them.this is the process i am in now...learning them more...honing my skills i guess you could say. The Universe is Divineseek what has always resided within you, outside resources are not necessary.

Sunday, September 05, 2010

--for The Divine and She--for my children, they really are awesome--for my Brandy, and finally finding the love i have always wanted to have--for US, and finally being able to give the kinda loving i thought would never return.--for making me believe again--for those who truly care--for strangers who obviously were angels, thank you--for our journey together, and as individuals--for the soundness of Bluequisha, man she be moving--for the lil things that bring so much joy--for alone time--for her touch--for growth and really looking in the mirror we hold up for one another--for loving those who play the game of loving me...its ok, it is what it is--for trusting myself--for being unique, and its okay folks don't get me...she does--for those who choose to bad mouth me and spread gossip, yes it is hurtful and i've shed many tears (even lately)...but i am learning and rising above it--for forgiveness, still learning this one...but learning non the less--for letters of hope--for my creativity, my gift--for prayer...it is a must--for forks in the road that always lead back