living without alcohol, living again

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Dreamed that I drank last night, had forgotten that I did not anymore. It was some fruit punch laced with alcohol offered to me, on purpose. Well, he works for a beer firm. He used to have a relation with one of my best friends. She is 38 now and has been in a unfulfilling relationship with him for years. She needed a strong man and got it; she felt useless, overpowered and lacked self-esteem.

She broke up with him by moving into someone elses bed because he did make her feel valued. That did not work and now she is single after half a year while her ex…. found his soul mate and they are having a baby. Yes, yes, that is quick, quick for knowing somebody 5 months… what about ‘My app said that I could not get pregnant….’ 🙂

So now my friend of 38 is alone at home feeling all kinds of undefined sadness and very defined jealousy but also realising that she could not have stayed with him. In the dream I was trying to tell her that this is the price we pay for bad choices. And I would almost say ‘as usual’ I did so without regards to her feelings since there is this part where I can’t bear what she’s doing and why she is ‘moaning’ while it is obviously the result of her lack of bad choices. She made a choice to be dependent on her ex. Then started to dislike it but still did not leave and now she is 38, alone and yearning for a baby. Doesn’t that…. sounds familiar? No wonder I can’t deal with her being unhappy over that. 😦

I am having a difficult time accepting the choices I made when boozing. Even in the years that I only drank 2 days in the weekend I knew I did not want kids. That was because of a whole lot of reasons but also because I did not want to quit yet and knew intuitively that I would get worse. Be dependent on a person, on a substance, make no choice and life passes by. It is tough to realise. I sort of thought, hoped, I don’t know, that I could undo stuff, that life had not started seriously because I was not serious about it. Now I find I can’t turn back time. It is silly to only find that out age 45, I know. I guess that was another aspect of life that I drank away.

So, my arrogance in the dream was nicely answered with a glass of whatever-punch that I drank – forgetting all about not drinking and not paying attention to the smell and taste of alcohol because I was so obsessed with my friends issue…. And I got sick, very much so. Not drinking has moved to the background in real life. I could imagine me stepping into such a punch trap because I don’t expect it. Booze to me looks like beer and possibly wine, not like fruit.

What does the dream mean? Not sure about any deep meaning but when I take it face value it points me at some issues I did not see by by showing me something that I can see: her pain. And it told me that arrogance will lead to drinking. Which I have already worked through once but obviously needed to see again.

I am happy that I quit, although it is time to move on and that feeling gets to a boiling point. I feel like I am waiting for divine intervention. That will come: the bank account will go. It is like making no decisions… that’s when others will decide :-/.

I want: to go out and walk in the sun.

I need: there is a lot of things that I think I should, but that is not what I need. I can not look at the place where the answer to what I need is. I guess that is called resistance. Must be something there I don’t want to know. Like: I need to get a move on… Which is absolutely true. I feel I have no hands to get hold of a beginning. Everything has changed, I am closer to home than I have ever been but I am not familiar where I am yet. I feel closer to home when it comes to me and my health, I feel further away from my former job and projects. So many things, layers, falling off. I stand but I have not been able to look at the surroundings.

So many things changed in the last month(s). I have found a beginning of a want to be nice to people. NEW! And that I can get to a place where I do not feel attacked or a need to be not nice when I align inside with the light I have met in my ayahuasca ceremonies.

I thought: only dead fish go with the flow. Which is an attitude that got me in trouble and got me doing my own detox and sobriety path that I think works well for me. That aspect of me: that the worse thing is sometimes also the best thing, that is strange. I often feel torn and unbalanced. Ghegheghe… the hippo says ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah, heard it before, this 80 Euro cent hippo is teaching me a lot. 🙂

I feel like I am somebody different from whom I was. That is ok with friends who I see often but strange with people who I don’t. Aaah, that is a part of what makes the store man attractive: there is a new start in being there. In conversation with him I have taken the chance to say what I really, really mean. I do not often do that apart from here because I want to hide my drinking history. So that is what secrecy brings: lacking connection, loneliness. I will go for a walk in the sun. Let some light in.

I take: I changed salts to others, one about backpain in the tailbone. I did sleep well but still wake up once a night to go to the toilet but now I do not wake up fully because I came from deep sleep. Somehow the cat always wakes me up when I need to go the toilet – or I need to go because she wakes me up. Still not sure. After she had a nest of kittens she has included me in her care. Telling me when to go to bed, waking me up.

And don’t read if you don’t want the nasty story: I still need to look this up but it feels like my urine has changed acid like apple cider vinegar – it irritates my skin if I’m not quick enough. I know it sounds bad but it does not feel bad in my body and I assume it is the acidity LEAVING my body – which is what some of the salts are for do: to alkalize. I still feel like I am loosing inches and a little weight but more because my body becomes more dense. Like I referred to with the shrinking of my ‘aura’. Need to check. To measure is to know.

I am halfway through another day of my life and I feel I only worked out issues and did nothing else. I’m getting fed up with me. But, happy that I quit. Now I can look at the being fed up instead of drowning it. 🙂