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February 3, 2009

Dear Stay At HomeWorking Mom

Mom, housewife, whatever you want to call me, I've grown weary of all I do and the constant reminder of what I don't.

This job, the early morning rush of breakfasting and backpacking and signing of the homework and you forgot to wash my favorite shirt or I'm thirsty/hungry/grumpy/coughy/sneezy or you forgot to read my mind.

This job, nap-less afternoons of sweeping and sweeping and droopy eyes and little people meltdowns and lunches and snacks and more sweeping. And more sweeping.

This job, I'm still waiting for a paycheck. This job where so much is expected and this job I can't ever be enough.

I need more hands. And arms and legs. And brooms.

This job without any breaks. Always a need, a nose, a mouth, a missing sock or Lego piece. A phone ringing and a diaper or battery that needs changing.

This job I collapse at the end of the day.

Only to begin all over again. This job neverending.

And still without a paycheck of money that I can spend.

Who could do such a job?

I must be made of something pretty powerful. Unbreakable and indestructible. I must be amazing.

One time, Steph, my kids had been awful and I went outside and was sitting on the porch trying not to cry and some working guy walked by and said "Must be nice to get to stay home and NOT DO ANYTHING all day."Sure must be.

It is definitely not a job for the weak! I get a paycheck for working outside of the home, but some days, I feel like I need two paychecks because the work definitely doesn't end when I walk in the door. It just becomes more rewarding, which I suppose is a paycheck in itself.

I love staying at home with my boy; I wouldn't trade it for the world. I think if I had to, my heart would break.

Oh, so I have a question for you about vaccines. I do have my son get them, but I'm going to try to space them apart. But I just went through some medicine training for my job, and the nurse claimed that your kids (all kids) have to have vaccines in order to go to school. That's not true, right? You're the only person whom I thought may know the answer to that, so I asked. thanks

Awesome post. Obviously anon didn't get your post AT ALL, and they must not have a baby and a toddler. Or else they'd know that it's impossible to get a nap at "nap time" when usually there's 2 different nap times. Geesh.

sure I could always use an extra set of hands but what i really need are a couple of extra hours in the day. just two would be fine. oh heck, go ahead and make it three and i might even have time to say hi to the hubby!

This is the only time I will respond and then I will start deleting the anonymous mean comments. THE REASON I CROSSED OUT THE WORDS IN THE TITLE OF THIS POST were to indicate that I was speaking to STAY AT HOME Moms and WORKING Moms - ALL MOMS. Get it now?

I've turned off the anonymous option for commenting because I can't babysit my email for the rest of the day.

Most of you know I'd never ever intend to hurt or offend anyone and I'm afraid the intentions behind my post are not being seen clearly by some. This writing came about as I was doing MOM things that any Mom does- whether you are a stay at home Mom, work at home Mom, work outside of the home Mom, step Mom, what have you.

I'm with you Steph. Sorry that the internet can be a hard place to communicate clearly for everyone to understand it. You know that old statistic, communication is only 7% words, and the rest is body language, tone, etc. It's not your fault that everyone didn't understand - you were as clear as you could - it's just the limitations of the written word.

I think anonymous commenters should have to say who they are, that way we get to comment on their life choices as they have done here. No one has it easy, but at least we can choose the lifestyle we want for ourselves. Stephanie is good at what she does, it's a thankless job and she does it damn well. No money in the world could make me take that job, just goes to show you how hard it really is! Who IS this person?!

Oh Steph,I'm sorry for the added stress of these anonymous comments. You did make sense. If I worked out of the home (as I once did) I would have understood. It's pretty clear. Try not to sweat it. People misunderstand things sometimes and I really wish they didn't lash out in response. Cause that's just...silly. It's a beautiful post. For ALL moms.

I have to laugh at the anonymous commenters. If I wear my PJs all day, it only means I didn't get to shower or brush my teeth or look in a mirror or pee all day either. And blogging/twitter is my only outlet. Something I can do (for 45 seconds at a time with one hand) while I'm nursing my baby or making lunch. I know those meanies may not get it, but anyone who has cared for fully dependent children they love deeply knows exactly where you are coming from. It's so hard but so amazing. Please don't let that commenter(s?) get you down, Steph, she is obviously just having a bad day.

I agree with Robin- best post ever! And- Steph- for goodness sakes- those comments had nothing to do with YOU- don't feel bad- you didn't offend anyone- they were unhappy before they read this post- and they were unhappy after they read it. AND they obviously don't know what an extraordinary woman and mother you are and how hard you work- or they would never say such a thing!

I'm so sorry that you have had so many negative anonymous readers leave comments today.

I have often found that people who say negative things regarding my "stay-at-home status" are really angry that they don't stay at home.

I have one person in my life who is a teacher. When she gets a snow day or even takes a sick day she will call me and always says, "I knew you would be home and have time to talk." I always want to respond with, "Of course I have time. I've been sitting here all day eating my bon-bons and waiting for the phone to ring. However, I am down to two bon-bons so I will have to get my useless bottom off the couch and head to the grocery in a few minutes to replenish the stock."

In reality I am holding the phone with my chin while I listen to her monologue, fold laundry, feed a child or other chores around the house. I'm not complaining that I have to do these chores. At the end of the day, I'm happy with my choice.

Not every working woman feels that those of us who don't work outside of the home are sitting around all day doing nothing. Just as I and many other stay-at-home moms don't look down our noses at those who work outside of the home.

I hope your anonymous readers realize that we don't always have the option to stay in our pjs nor do we always go out to lunch. There isn't a lot of extra money for special lunches out because we are a single income family. I'm not whining about that. It is a choice we have made and I wouldn't change it for anything. "Stay-at-home" is such a poor description. Many of us can be found doing errands that have to be done for any household to function, volunteering in schools or churches. Many work from home during naptime.

I didn't read the part where you said we love our children so much more.

You also didn't feel the need to state your feelings anonymously. You posted them on your blog for the world to see.

I thought this post was very poetic and could easily be meant for any mom (regardless of where and with whom you spend the traditional work day).

I'm sorry this is such a long comment. Just want you to know I loved it and don't think anyone should have been offended.

I love this post. It is right on. You are right that this is constant work is true of ALL moms.-------------------

I think you should consider anon. a sign that you've made it. Given enough time and a big enough audience, even the nicest bloggers will come upon someone who doesn't like them. You are THE nicest and shouldn't let this bother you.

One final thought on anonymous, if she is a working mom, who watches her kids during the day? Does she pay them? If so, is she paying them to "work"? Because what she pays a daycare provider to do is what we, stay-at-home moms, do... we WORK.

I agree with @abbyjess - your blog is out there... you're out there... it's not just us your loyal followers reading and commenting anymore! :) It's too bad it was done in such a snide and snarky way, but look at it as proof that you are connecting people, ideas, beliefs and generating discussions on this beloved profession, motherhood!

Also, I don't think it's a situation of someone misunderstanding, but more so someone misconstruing your words based on preconceived notions, stereotypes or insecurities.

Today was the first day in a long time I really really really wanted to call in sick. Not because I'm sick, I'm just tired. And no one would ever get it unless they were a mom. Dear hubby will never know what it's like to do this day in and day out. It's daunting, but also a nice feeling to know we can't be replaced :)

You've hit the nail right on the head. And to Mr/Ms Anonymous - i used to be a City lawyer. LONG hours at the best of times. Stress at its utmost. I thought i was prepared for becoming and being a full time mum. I thought that however bad it was it could NOT be worse than being a lawyer. How wrong was i! it's not that it's more stressful, more difficult, more challenging because i don't think you can compare the two in that kind of way as they are worlds apart. What it is, is that you get hardly any time to yourself. The time that you do get to yourslef you are usually stuck indoors as you are sitting through a nap time or guiltily allowing them to watch a bit of TV or for once they are playing independently etc etc. i have had so many moments where i have not been able to pee when i have wanted to or poo in peace. i have quite literally pooed while drawing cats and dogs on a scrapbook for my son because he was insisting and throwing a tantrum. "Disciplne!" i hear Anonymous shout. "Ha!" if only it were that simple. It doesn't necessarily work that way and all kids have their own personality and some are more persistent and insistent than others and we do what we can. fact of the matter, and to sort of sum it all up, is this - when i was a lawyer i used to go for lunches with friends, i used to drink cosmopolitans after work with hubby and friends, i used to be able to buy frivolous things as i would get paid, i'd go to the gym every day as i had the time, i'd get a Brazilian and full leg waxes and look after myself because i had the money and the time, i used to SURF the net and not get these 10 minute sessions which appear like i am on the internet for hours but are in fact fast typing in 10 minute intervals, i used to feel awake and alive at the end of teh day not utterly exausted like now. Need me to go on Anon?IF we are in pjs all day (which most of us aren't) it's because something is up - kids are ill, we are down, we are shattered by it all. Trust me this is far more all-consuming and relentless than a normal dayjob. But you know what you know that, because if not the majority of mums wouldn't go back to work so soon. Bl***y hard work but GD rewardingMost rewarding thing i have ever done and i plan to do it a lot more!Big hugs to all the positive mums on this Blog Post and Booooo to Anonymous and others like her/him

Well, you can . . . but it's not nearly as cathartic. Just remember, that's just one A-( ). Luckily you're not burdened with the weight of their real name, so you don't have to feel bad about assigning them creative names that fit (yet can't be published).

I had been in the workforce for almost 12 years, but as a recent mother.. and well these hard economic times my priorities changed unexpectedly. I no longer lived for just myself and as cliché as it may sound my baby is my life. REALLY!!!

My family had been struggling because of the state of the world right now, so I decided to let go of my job (which I know sounds crazy) and dedicate myself to better my situation, not only on a career self-fulfilling level but on an overall soul searching level. There had to be a way where I could stay home and tend to my family because they really needed my full attention at the time. Being a vegetarian and green fanatic for the last 12 years, I started by searching the internet for REAL products and blogs, books even TV programs and documentaries that could teach me how to contribute to my families health and contribute to the world (Sounds a bit overachieving doesn’t it?) In truth I had no idea exactly what I was looking for.. just an overall change!

After months, I found it!A whole community of mothers doing the same.. over 11000 mom’s who choose to stay at home and contribute! It was a blessing, and believe me if you saw me you wouldn’t even assume I was that kind of person... the MOM team has not only enhanced my life but has given me a goal. A Misson.

I just really needed to share this because at the end of the day we all have one common goal, as mothers... Fulfillment without ever neglecting your family. I have achieved exactly that!Kudos to all us stay at home Mom’s!!!

I know I'm late to the party but I thought this was beautiful and poetic and universal for all moms. There are never enough hands, never enough sleep, never enough time - I am often frustrated, guilty and I am always tired. I have been a working mom, a stay at home mom and a working from home mom. The job has changed but the mom part never will.