01 October 2012

3 days

ok, to be fair, it will be closer to 4 days
but
for sanity's sake: 3 days away from Della. 3 nights.
My first time away from her for the night EVER.
By away I mean, away at all...
Except one night many months ago that Doug slept with Della until 4am in the living room.

I am getting reacquainted with the pump.
I am getting reacquainted with separation anxiety (MINE)
I am getting reacquainted with feelings of vulnerability, fragility, uncertainty, worries...

I am interested to see how I do-- travel to a different time zone, sleeping alone instead of our co-sleeping, the weirdness that is inherent in travel... business stuff, networking, grown up shoes.

But the time away? Oh. Heavy heart.
As if perhaps she will forget me.
Or find out that this really was a dream after all.

***

In search, I mean support, of my sanity, I will be using travel time to sleep if possible, journal, read, do some projects that include a kind of focus that the internet and a baby do not inherently support.

I fly through atlanta to las vegas ferchrissakes
and back by dinner on thursday.

Hoping for smooth sailing, good inner work, minimal tears, sleep, sufficient food and an opportunity to wear my bathing suit in an actual pool, for more than one minute.

2 comments:

Oh gosh...I can imagine that feels enormous and overwhelming. I hope that there is time for some deep reflection and some lovely time in the pool too. I remember when we took a friend away for the first time when her daughter was maybe a year or so, and she was distraught and in tears for an hour then suddenly seemed to release and feel calm (I gave her some reflexology but I'm not sure if it helped or hindered as her mind was elsewhere!) and shortly after the baby's dad called to say that the baby had just suddenly settled... You are connected even if not in the same physical space, so visualise a warm cuddle and some eye-gazing time as you climb into your (big and empty-feeling I'm sure) bed. (And relish some uninterrupted and restful sleep!) Love xxx

You know what? You might just surprise yourself and actually ENJOY it! I know the first time I left my twins for a few nights (I think they were around the same age) it was kind of wonderful to sit in my hotel room, order room service and veg out in front of the tv!

About this blog

I started this blog during struggles with infertility--struggles that resulted in countless IUIs, medications, procedures, 5 attempted IVF cycles, 2 pregnancies, one heartbreaking loss, and one miracle baby.

Parenthood left me feeling like I was not sure what to do here, with this amazing community. To talk about parenting felt boastful for those still and forever struggling. To not talk about it felt disingenuous. So here I am. I want to talk about my real life. Parenting. Midlife reassessment. Flailing. Finding myself. Mucking about.

So yes, I am a midlife parent of an amazing child.Yes, I battled infertility and will be forever changed by every single moment of that journey.I am imperfect and life is messy, but it is also so beautiful.

Among many other things, I hope to reconnect to myself through writing here. And I hope to connect with you too. Others out there, parenting maybe later in life. Maybe after struggling. Maybe struggling still. We can all use a safe place and a lot of compassion. That's what I am offering to you. I hope you'll stick around.

Copyright

All content copyrighted by me, please treat it with respect.

inside out

"The key is, starting from the inside out. Often you say, “I don’t know what to do.” True, you don’t know what to do. There are infinite possibilities. And a bunch of them haven’t worked for you. A lot of them have been tried, and they haven’t worked under what you think are the same conditions. And so, you sort of pace around, you don’t know what to do. Sometimes you don’t even know what you want to have. But you always, you always, if you will stop and think about it, you ALWAYS know how you want to feel."