..::My Ramblings::..

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

What The???

Ever since 9/11, New Yorkers have been encouraged to report any "suspicious" behavior or people. What the hell constitutes "suspicious" behavior? Well, in many cases, I guess it means being brown.

Apparently some tourists who had probably never seen brown people before took it upon themselves to perform the heroic deed of alerting police to some "suspicious," "Middle-Eastern-looking" men wearing turbans who were on their double-decker tourist bus. Police came and handcuffed the men.They were Sikhs, of south Asian descent.

Mayor Bloomberg issued an apology today, but really. If we're going to tell people to report "suspicious behavior," shouldn't there be some kind of education as to what that would be? Or does anybody know what that means? They seem to be hoping that someone's "gut feeling" that something is wrong could prevent attacks.

Or maybe people should have some cultural education. So many Americans are so damned insular they know absolutely nothing about other cultures, as evidenced by the people who assumed that brown men wearing turbans must be Arabic terrorists. On the other hand, even if these men WERE from the Middle East, that in itself should not be considered suspicious.

Argh. I don't see any solution for this bullshit, but it is extremely frustrating.

On the other hand, I was amused by this advice to New Yorkers to stop being stupid, which should reduce suspicion of terrorism (if you're white, anyway).

Monday, July 25, 2005

Bad Day Pick Me Up

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Motivation

Today is one of those rare days in which I feel motivated... I feel like I can do anything I can dream, I can acquire anything I learn, and that time is my only barrier. I yearn to learn, to create, to do something fantastic. Not like, huge-scale or anything. I don't want to found an organization. But I could do some wicked design if I harness this energy right. I wish I could bottle this feeling.

A Tiny News Update...

The Brits are at it again. This time, they want to remove the word "fail" from schools and replace it with the term "deferred success", "to avoid demoralizing pupils". You know what -- if they had this when I was in school, I would have a lot of success coming to me right now.

And in other school news, an African politician has promised to pay for college for any girl from his district that graduates college a virgin. Man, they should have to wear a nametag or something that says, "you better have $20,000 to pay my tuition bill if you want to get into these pants!"

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

When I was five years old, my classmates and I used to play a game on the playground. It was a simple game, because these were simple times and we were simple people. The game consisted entirely of children chasing each other around the playground with the intent of capturing members of the opposing team. The teams were simple: if you were in kindergarten, you were on one team; if you were a first-grader, you were on the other team. The kindergarteners were at a decided disadvantage (at least as far as we were concerned), because the first-graders were bigger and faster than we were. So for a kindergartener to capture a first-grader was a much more celebrated victory than for a first-grader to catch a kindergartener.

I'll never forget the day that I snuck up behind this first grader i barely knew and threw my arms around him and exclaimed with glee, "I caught a first-grader!" Oh, it was such a rush for my young heart. I'm sure my little body quivered with excitement from my unlikely victory. Never in my life would I have believed I could accomplish such a task as capturing a first-grader, even though I had be trying to for the entire week's worth of recesses leading up to that point. Imagine my dismay when he turned around and looked at me with those bright blue eyes and smiled apologetically as he gently explained that he was not, in fact, actually playing the game (which of course makes all victories null and void. See the "you're it, I quit" rule). He was a good sport about it, though. He agreed that I could pretend I captured him anyway, and that we wouldn't tell anyone that he wasn't actually playing. Long story short, this first grader and I remained good friends all the way through grade school and high school, and I still get a big hug from him every time I see him.

The piont of this charming little narrative is that I feel like I'm back on that playground, or perhaps that I never actually left it. The circumstances are a little more different and complex... or are they? It's like I've been chasing after first-graders for all my life and now, at long last, I've finally caught one. And I'm feeling that rush of pride and victory and joy mixed with disbelief that I actually caught one. And I'm just terrified that this one's gonna look at me with those bright blue eyes and tell me that he's not playing, or something equally as deflating.

Is life just one gigantic playground game? Is it true that everythign we need to know we learned in kindergarten?

Pathetic...

So I just looked down to my right and noticed that my CD tower toppled again. It's no big deal. It'll take about ten or fifteen minutes to reload. I just have to find something heavy (a brick perhaps) to put behind it so it won't topple again. But the part that bothers me is that I just NOW noticed it. This means one of two things... either it toppled while I was gone, meaning I would have had to have stepped OVER it to get to my computer, or that it toppled while I was sitting here, which means that I was too wrapped up in whatever I was doing to hear the crash. This concerns me a bit.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Great Grape Nut Fiasco

For the record, my life is boring enough that I'm writing about cereal eating experiences. If you have brain cells to spare, read on. If not, well you might want to skip this entry.

Every few years or so, I think to myself, "Hey, Grape Nuts! Those sound good!" Now, don't get me wrong. I don't know what instills this strange craving in me... I'm not a "health nut" as they say those who eat Grape Nuts may be accused of being on the commercials. I don't even like crunchy things. So I have no idea why Grape Nuts even crossed my mind, other than the fact that they were indeed in my kitchen.

So I got myself a bowl of Grape Nuts. Poured some milk on 'em, took a bite, and remembered why it was that I never eat Grape Nuts. It's like eating gravel, only with less flavor. So I said to myself, "Self, there has to be something to make these better." I looked around and spotted a bunch of bananas on the counter. And I said, "Aha! Bananas!" So I sliced up a banana and put it on my Grape Nuts.

That made them tolerable for a while. But then the banana was gone. And there were still Grape Nuts left. And I viewed this as a problem. So I went off in search of a solution. And I found the sugar bowl.

So I figured, sugar, I need a spoon, right? Wrong. I had a spoon, but it was already wet and that wouldn't do, so I'd just pour it out of the sugar bowl. That would have worked fine if the sugar hadn't been sticking to itself a bit. Two seconds later I had about two cups of sugar sitting atop my Grape Nuts. "Holy flippin' duck poo," I said quietly to myself. But far be it from me to let that much sugar go to waste (screw the Grape Nuts)... I stirred it in, making more of a goop out of the milk and sugar than anything. I was able to stomach a few bites, but it was just (and you will RARELY hear ME say this) too sweet. So I added more milk. And more Grape Nuts. And I was able to handle it for a little while... then I needed more milk. I got through most of them, but I ended up having to put the rest in a Ziplock Baggie and depositing that baggie in the dumpster. Too much.

Me tummy's a little upset.

I don't know what sort of things I had to do to have bad karma with my breakfast cereal...

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

There's something to be said for away messages. They've created an entire subculture. People read other people's away messages for amusement. Someone quoted an away message when addressing some 700 people the other night. That's the first time I've heard anyone do that... "[So-and so]'s away message said it best when it said..."

Has this always been about or has it come about with the birth of broadband internet? People stay connected all the time so they no longer sign off of their instant messengers. "Being Online" no longer means "being connected to the internet" but rather "not being away". Some people are away ALL THE TIME. Kind of defeats the purpose of an away message.

Some people try to be witty in their away messages. Some people just try to let other people know where they are. I have a friend who has been getting a haircut for the past day and a half. I'm a little concerned about him. Some people are ambiguous in their away messages, leaving cryptic messages for people to read, never really knowing if they will actually see them or not... but everyone else wonders, "Are they talking to me?" I had one of those the other night. If that away message was for me, then I would have been the happiest girl in the world, but I'm almost positive it wasn't. I'll really never know.

But I said so in my away message.

I even read the away messages of people I never talk to. People I scarcely know. It's kinda weird... like peeking in a window or something. One guy had something like "I got in trouble" in his away message and I wanted to know why, but I didn't message him because he was away, and I never get to see him to ask him. Here again, I'll never know.

What Now?

I decided to change my posts up today and instead of complaining about my life that I really shouldn't complain about, talk about my views on what is going on in the world right now. Something that needs much greater attention. This is my reaction to Thursday's bombings in London.

First, My thoughts and sympathies go out to everyone affected by the attack on London.

So where now?

Well. If this isn't the excuse for imposing similar laws on the British that the American people have had to suffer for so long that the powers that be have been waiting for, nothing is.

When I say the powers that be, I'm not necessarily referring to Tony Blair and his cabinet, although he and his unelected behind the scenes advisors undoubtedly make up the numbers in the coalition of the willing President Bush has been building around himself since September 11th, 2001.

The powers that be I refer to are the people who former American president and former head of the CIA George Bush senior referred to when he said, "We need to build a new world order". The real powers who control the world. The Bilderberg groups of this world. The secret societies who's members comprise of oil billionaires and newspaper owners. The defense contractors who's profit margins depends upon a continuing need for weapons of mass destruction. Does Dick Cheney's connection to Haliburton ring any bells?

Now, before I run away with what is, admittedly, one part received opinion and one part a healthy disrespect for politicians, let me make it clear that I am not against drafting new legislation, or using existing legislation which actually prevents the kind of attacks we witnessed in London, far from it.

What I am against, and fearful of, is that this will simply serve as another bargaining chip the Bush administration will use to justify the continuation of their drive to impose their will on the rest of the world - or at least the parts of it that have oil and natural resources which powerful lobbyists and billion dollar American businesses want to exploit, in the name of capitalism.

No one could argue that true freedom and democracy isn't preferable to the kind of regimes which are in place in countries such as China, Israel and Zimbabwe, but these aren't the countries on Bush's list of priorities, least of all Israel, who's government deliberately carries out acts of terrorism on their own neighbors every day of the week without so much as even a comment from the white house. Not a single governing officer bats an eyelash in that direction.

Puppet

On a note of respect, which is I believed still deserved despite so many marks against his name, I have to trust that Tony Blair at least thinks he knows what he is doing by sticking so close to Bush. Politically, and this is something Americans especially might not be aware of, Blair and Bush are on opposite sides of the fence. At least in theory.

Blair is supposed to be the leader of the working man's party and Bush's republicans are more aligned to the party of former British prime minister Margaret Thatcher's conservatives. Blair is more of a Clinton than he is a Bush, at least on paper. But today's events and those acts carried out by terror groups in the past, on British and American interests, have brought these two leaders together under a common will to stamp out terrorism - at least that's the public story.

An underling agenda, I believe, is being carried out by the Bush administration, to which I also have to trust even Tony Blair himself is aware of. Bush's agenda to spread the American way around the world plays right into the hands of religions extremists, of which you can count christian fundamentalists on the American side just as surely as you can so-called islamic terror groups on the other.

The people who benefit from the war on terror are the share holders of the same multi-national corporations who's rape and pillage mentality fuels so much hatred for the west in the first place, so who's in control here? The governments we elect or the companies and corporations our very way of life is defined by in this consume or be consumed society?

You want an answer to the ultimate question of "why do these terrorists hate us so much?" Well here's my theory. We have what they want and we ain't in the mood to share it. We want it all to ourselves and now it's too late to simply say to them that we, the ordinary people, didn't mean it to turn out this way. We are just as much a pawn in the game of control as you are. We didn't elect them, they elected themselves.

Why do you trust Bush, Mr. average American voter?"Well he's strong on terrorists and he's a family man".NO! You trust Bush because CNN, Fox, NBC and CBS told you to trust him. CBS is a General Electric company. General Electric make weapons of mass destruction for 'our side'. Join the fucking dots!"Well they attacked us first, they flew a plane into the Pentagon and the world trade centre!"Yeah? Well where's the wreckage on the lawn in front of the Pentagon? Why was the hole in the side of the Pentagon which was supposedly made by this airplane smaller than the wing span of a 737 but exactly the same size as a bunker buster missile? Why is the head quarters of the biggest military in the world protected by security cameras that don't record major terrorist attacks? Show me the proof that the 9/11 attack on the pentagon wasn't an illusion used to instill fear and I'll show you proof that it was.

*Note. In the documentary "911 In Plane Site", film maker Dave VonKleist presented information which called into question certain aspects of what has generally come to be accepted as the official version of the truth about what happened on the day terrorist stooped to a new low in evil. At the time of watching this film I was skeptical about all but the evidence presented to support the missile attack theory at the Pentagon. However, since the film was released, the former chief economist for the Department of Labor during President George W. Bush's first term, Morgan Reynolds, has commented that the official story about the collapse of the World Trade Centre is "bogus", and that it is more likely that a controlled demolition destroyed the Twin Towers and the adjacent Building No. 7. Which in the film, Mr. VonKleist attempted to demonstrate by highlighting eye whiteness statements, given to news reporters at the time of the twin towers collapse by New York city fire fighters, who recall the smell of cordite, used in controlled explosions, as being unmistakable in the air, and that the buildings appeared to have been "pulled", a term used in the demolition business meaning to bring an unsafe building down in a semi-controlled manner.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Looks like I'm a do everything myselfMaybe I could use some helpbut hell, if ya want somethin' done rightyou gotta do it yourself

Maybe life is up and downbut my life's been what till now?Something crawled up your butt somehowand that's when things got turned around

I used to be aliveNow I feel patheticand now I get itWhat's done is doneYou just leave it alone and don't regret it

sometimes, and some things, turn into dumb thingsand that's when you put your foot down

Why did I have to go meet somebody like you?(Like you)Why did you have to go hurt somebody like me?(Like me)How could you do somebody like that?(Like that)Hope you know that I'm never coming back(Never coming back)

Looks like I'm a do everything myself(Everything myself)Maybe I could use some helpbut hell, if ya want somethin' done rightyou just do it yourself(Got it?)

Maybe life is up and downbut my life's been what?till now (got it)Soemthing crawled up your butt somehow (got it)and that's when shit got turned around (got it)

I used to be aliveI'm so patheticbut now I get itWhat's done is doneI know you just leave it alone and don't regret it

sometimes, and some things turn into dumb thingsand that's when you put your foot down

Why did I have to go meet somebody like you?Why did you have to go hurt somebody like me?How could you do somebody like that?Hope you know that I'm never comin' back

Why did I have to go meet somebody like you?Why did you have to go hurt somebody like me?How could you do somebody like that?Hope you know that I'm never comin' back

Depending on you is doneGiving to you is doneNo more eating, no sleeping, no livingIt's all just more giving to youand I'm done

Depending on you is doneGiving to you is doneNo more eating, no sleeping, no livingIt's all just more giving to youand I'm done

The hiding from you is doneThe lying from you is doneNo more eating, no sleeping, no livingIt's all just more giving to youand I'm done

Why did I have to go meet somebody like you?Why did you have to go and hurt somebody like me?How could you do somebody like that?I hope you know that I'm never coming back

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Boys Are So Oblivious....

So how wrong is it for us girls to want men to know what we want without beating them over the head with it? My girl friends and I had a conversation tonight about how oblivious men are. And it got me thinking about the differences between us girls that "overthink" and "overanalyze" everything versus boys who couldn't catch the hint if it was in front of them. Maybe that's being a little harsh but is it because sometimes us girls wish the guy just knew and understood what' going on in our heads? Instead of us explaining painfully, some of us in mid-tear through the explanation, to them word for word EXACTLY what is wrong.

My "friend" has always told me to be honest, he's not a mind-reader, if I tell him "nothing" is wrong ten times, he'll stop asking cause I had my chance! But don't guys get that sense of what they did or didn't do, without our help? Or is it like when you train dogs? If you don't correct their mistake in 3 seconds, the dog doesn't understand why you are yelling and bantering on. They just stare at you but have NO CLUE what they did.

Well, for any man that reads this rambling blog, I apologize if you were offended by any of my comments...but I'm sure you'll get over it in 3 seconds or less.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Taking Responsibility

most people never like to take responsibility for anything negative. i wish i didn't have to either. it sucks that i do, and it sucks that i am only human after all, and it fucken sucks that i have made mistakes really huge mistakes that will fuck up everything. i cant seem to ever do anything right. im just such a terrible person. my mistake should never have happened because it happened to many times before and i promised myself and other people that it would never happen agian. but it did. and it hurts. its hurts me. and it will hurt people that i dont want to hurt. everything hurts, i am in too much pain to even think coherently, well thats always but tonite lets blame everything on the bruised heart. in an ideal world i shouldn't be hurt but its not an ideal world and i am hurting a lot. its all my fault. it would have been easier to know that things didn't go bad because of me. when u r the one to be blamed, its only natural to feel like shit. i can' t think. i cant stop crying. i cant stop hurting. i feel like this bundle of pressure is pushing on my head. i cant see clearly. i just feel like a puddle of mess. then i can't cry anymore. i just need to sleep, sleep it off right? i wish there was such a thing as sleeping off the pain. i wish i never had to grow up. i wish i never had to feel this pain. and i wish nobody had to feel this pain. and i wish i wasnt the cause of someone's else's pain. i wish that these wishes would come true. but it wont. my pain wont go away. my mistake wont miraculously dissappear. people are still gonna be hurt. and its all my fault. all because im so stupid and i just dont know when to turn my back on someone. the someone who has walked all over my heart for so long over and over again. why cant i stop this someone from hurting me. why am i so fucking weak. its like deja vu and amnesia all over again. i keep letting this happen over and over again. i know i've done this before and felt the same hurt and cried the same rivers of tears day after day night after night for years. but then someone came into my life. a perfect stranger. oh what a gift this perfect stranger turned out to be. i pushed away and i pushed away but somehow i smiled again and i forgot that pain for two seconds. this perfect stranger helped me forget and get out of the darkest hole that i was in, and even though it was for like two seconds i appreciated it so much. but i became weak again because that perfect person turned around for a split second and fucked everthing up. and now that pain that i had has grown to an all time high. and its so much fuckin worse now because my pain that i had no control over before but had a chance to change is gonna be the cause of someone else's pain. someone who doesnt deserve to be hurt. someone who deserves the best in life. and thats not me. i am so stupid. i just want this to go away. i dont wanna be alone anymore. i dont wanna be hurt. and i dont wanna hurt people tjat really do care about me. im gonna lose a person whos been so great all because i cant turn my back to someone who never cared about me. someone needs to invent a time machine already. i just want time to quickly take away this pain and anger and tears.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Just Wait...

Id like to share with you the most accurate quote on love Ive ever encountered:

To love is to accept the verdict without bitterness, without regret, without a smidgen of a doubt. When you love, you will get hurt. Accept it as a fact. Its part of the pain-pleasure phenomenon. You cannot love wisely because loving doesnt involve thinking. Thinking results in a conscious choice. But you cannot choose whom to fall in love with. The trick is to wait for the right time...

Were living in such a fast paced world. Its getting harder and harder for me to cope with life. While Im trying to catch up with the world, it keeps on accelerating. More and more each time I find myself wanting to stop and breathe some fresh air.

Why are we in such a hurry? Its not like its the end of the world. Why cant we all slow down and agree to continue with a relatively slower rate? Everyone's competing with one another – intimidating one another. It makes me sick.

And Im not sure whether the actual fact upsets me or the realization that I cant keep up is whats infuriating me.

We are ordinary people. Lets take it slow. This goes to everyone, and for everything. Including school. Including love.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Return of the Ex....

What to do, what to do?

What do you do when the ex's start "checking in" on you? You know, "hey whatcha been up to? How's the weather? Seeing anyone?"

How much do you give in to? What do you reveal, keep away? And if they feel like they "made a mistake" how do you react? When should you not give them a second (or third, or fourth or fifth or sixth ect. ect.) chance? Obviously it all depends on what's currently going on with you. Like life is better without them in it, or that life is just better without them in it! OR, could it be that you both were the right people but it was the wrong time kind of thing! Love is such a risky thing. You really don't know what will happen unless you leap, and usually it's head first. [You know, it hurts harder when you go that way, but do we stop ourselves? Of course not =( ]

Is taking back or accepting the ex back in your life a smart decision? Or is it just a disaster waiting to happen? If your the dumper, wouldn't you think it's slimy for trying to hook back up with the one you dumped? And if your the dumpee, do you not feel awkward, since the dumper didn't want to be with you in the first place. (Is this getting more and more complicated?)

Why Don't Guys Talk Like This Anymore

This is an excerpt from Pride and Prejudice:

"In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

That line is from Mr. Darcy to Elizabeth. So cute! Hearing that makes me want to just melt right into the ground. I'd be a happy puddle. Now, if I could only get a guy who's not an asshole or psycotic to say that to me.

I don't quite think that will happen anytime soon. Unwantingly (is that a word?) I have become a little untrusting. Opening yourself up to someone then being hurt can really do that to you. Emotions are a tricky business.

God, wouldn't it be easier to have a storybook character to be my lover? Yes! Can't I just pull Mr. Darcy from out of the pages and into my life? I think that I will stop thinking about it and let things happen and fall into place the way they're supposed to. My God---thinking too much is my best quality and worst quality all rolled into one.

I gotta stop that... maybe I should just take up a heroine addiction and live under a freeway pass. That might just be easier. But that won't do, I'm not a fan of needles.