We admit it: We're a hopelessly lame band of losers who have neither the time, energy or imagination to come up with holiday gift ideas for the folks on our lists this year. Knowing that we'd catch hell for giving out another batch of McDonald's gift certificates, we decided to call in an expert to advise us on these hard-to-shop-for friends, family members and associates. We chose the talent, style, creativity, empathy and eye for fashion of a real pro, Brendan Picker. We don't need five experts like the TV show, our guy's got it all: a degree in design, fashion flair and his finger on the pulse of all things cool. He not only gave us shopping suggestions, but in the process, transformed us from lame friends, fathers, daughters and coworkers into fabulous folks who “really care” (as far as our gift recipients know).

Sure, this may look like a purely self-serving abuse of power meant to save six people two weeks of shopping, but we sincerely hope it helps you, too. Because in doing this story, we found out that each one of has a rebellious teenager, a hippie, a lefty, a lifetime NRA member, a herd of children, and a random stranger to shop for.

Thanks to all the models who agreed take on the identities of these characters and to Harwood Art Center for letting us take the pictures there.

The World-Traveling, Yak-riding, Couscous-eating Hippie Sister

She was an Anthropology major at Evergreen, eats kimchee for breakfast, and doesn't need subtitles to watch The Gods Must be Crazy. This wanderer has been living out of a suitcase for years but recently got her own apartment—which is totally empty. She'll be spending Christmas with the family (hitching from California, of course), but they're not allowed to call it Christmas; they have to refer to it as a "nondenominational gift-giving holiday" and she swears all she wants is for them to donate $100 in her name to Doctors Without Borders.

The Kids, The Friends' Kids and the Kids' Friends

What better way to celebrate the birth of Christ than by giving your kids a cardboard box stuffed full of plastic toys assembled in a Chinese sweatshop and sold at Wal-Mart. For those of you who have no idea what to buy your kids or anybody else's, there is a better way.

8) One year family passes to the Albuquerque Zoo ($55, 764-6200), or the Explora Science Center ($50, 224-8300).

The Gun-toting, Elk-hunting, Pipe-smoking Father-in-Law

His idea of being kind to animals is a perfect headshot. He's the person in your life most likely to kill and grill his own holiday entrée. He thinks the “No Smoking” signs in the doctor's office mean you're not allowed to slow-cook salmon over mesquite in the waiting room.

2) A Man, A Can, A Grill by David Joachim; Ted Nugent's cookbook, Kill It and Grill It; first copies and subscriptions to Guns & Ammo ($20) and Outdoor Life. ($20) From Page One Bookstore, 11018 Montgomery NE, 294-2026, www.page1book.com.

The Office's Secret Santa

Coworker, boss, intern, cubicle mate—you could draw any of their names in the office secret Santa pool. Odds are you'll draw the guy you know absolutely nothing about—except that he loves to pepper his e-mails with emotions. He already has everything from the Achievement Gallery and a stinking mess of scented candles. What else is there?

The Stressed and Depressed Democratic Voter

For the past year she lived in hopeful anticipation of the Democrats wrenching power away from Bush, and for the past four months she's organized, registered, phone banked, pleaded and persuaded. But for the past two weeks she's been lying in a fetal position, sucking her thumb and pulling her hair out in chunks. She needs to be lifted out of this funk fast.

1) Certificate for an herb-infused Ayurvedic stress-relief massage and soak in the hot tub ($65-$100). From Betty's Bath and Day Spa, 1835 Candelaria NW, 341-3456, www.bettysbath.com.

2) Toenail polish change, during which she can have D-I-E-B-U-S-H-D-I-E painted across her toes ($15). From Chez d'Or, 117 Gold SW, 243-6777.

The Teenage Skate Rat

He doesn't talk to his parents much. He's failing English. He worships Bam Margera and spends every waking hour riding the sidewalk. Still, he can kick your ass at “Halo 2,” he's really good at drawing skulls and he just discovered T.S.O.L.