The demon is a liar. He will lie to confuse us. But, he will also mix lies with the truth to attack us. The attack is psychological, Damien, and powerful. So don’t listen. Remember that, do not listen. – Father Merrin, The Exorcist

It’s hard to believe that we’ve already reached Week 8, which tips us into the second half of our regular season. This is historically the point where paranoia and hostility get on top of us and the proceedings begin to resemble an experiment in abnormal psychology. On Monday night this led to the distinct absence of any righteous upsets, and to the continuation of absurd and unnatural point-deficits that tend to produce matchups which are about as sporting as a manatee-hunt, and which leave team owners pondering how cruel it is that the universe made them the bug instead of the windshield.

Case in point: the Turduckens, who moved to 7-1, leisurely stepping over Hellfire Club’s now-desiccated carcass. Not to be outdone, the Salukis unnecessarily pummeled Mental Garbage, which stumbled into Monday night doomed by a 55 point-deficit, and Duestakers mercilessly dispatched Gonk’s Revenge, ending an ominous five-game winning streak that most of us had been watching with apprehension.

In other action, the Wackers edged out Fleurs de Lis, a franchise which appears to be epically unraveling into a special kind of losing this season, and was unable to generate any momentum from its sole win in Week 7. Fleur de Lis’ owners, who are still holed up somewhere in rural Utah, could not be reached for official comment, but authorities intercepted an enigmatic twitter message which is believed to be from team co-owner Rusty Feet: “I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor,” tweeted Feet. “That’s my dream, that’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor…and surviving.”

Finally, Dingobros appear to be engaged in an erratic strategy that involves lulling the league to sleep with a series of undistinguished losses only to turn around and unexpectedly beat the tar out of a contender. It’s the kind of Duck-Duck-Goose strategy that keeps the rest of the teams off balance even if it isn’t likely to rocket Dingobros into the playoffs. Dingobros’ next several opponents can rest easy, however, because the Mario Brawlers ended up being the goose in Week 8, trounced by a dramatic and shameful 97-point margin.

So, beyond Fleurs and the Turduckens on either extreme, we’re left with a middle-tier occupied by a cohort of potential contenders, with the largest cluster – made up of Mental Garbage, the Wackers, Hellfire Club, the Duestakers, and Gonk’s Revenge – all jostling with each other at 5-3, with the Salukis, Mario Brawlers, and Dingobros not all that far behind. This is a recipe for vicious competition as we head toward the final weeks preceding our playoffs.

Respectfully Submitted,

League Manager Tom

UPDATE:

Early Tuesday morning it was revealed that a coup has taken place within Fleur de Lis’ front office, a development which sent shockwaves throughout the League and national political establishment. The issue was seized on by the Romney campaign, which quickly issued a statement condemning what it called the administration’s “failure to act forcefully in defense of League sovereignty and the inherent rights of team owners.”

“Make no mistake,” President Obama replied in an impromptu press conference on the campaign trail. “We are firm in our resolve. America will not sit on the sidelines in the face of this injustice.” While the President and his Spokesperson both declined to comment further on the situation, a White House official speaking off the record suggested that Fleurs co-owner Rusty Feet has been added to the President’s kill-list, and is now subject to due process-free assassination. Meanwhile, an embattled Feet issued a defiant statement from a Utah compound in which he defended his forceful assumption of franchise leadership and dismissed his critics; “We must kill them, we must incinerate them, pig after pig, cow after cow, fantasy team after fantasy team,” wrote Feet. “You have a right to kill me, but you have no right to judge me.”

*****

GETTING TO KNOW YOU: TEAM OWNER PROFILES

Name: Jeff Kurowski
Team: EGVHellFireClub
League Member Since: 2007
Team name considered, but rejected: Order of Knights of Elk Grove Village
Philosophy : Do What Thou Wilt
Wheels: Infinti G35x
Faith : Non Dualism
Favorite fragrance: Bacon
Favorite Undergarment: White Cotton… Or did you mean mine?
Main form of self-medication: Alec Bradley Prensado
If I Could Be Any Animal: Sabre Tooth Tiger
Preferred variety of mustard: Plochman’s Classic American Yellow
Secret Desire: To start a Hello Kitty collection
Secret Fear: Discovery of a possible Hello Kitty collection
Classified Fact: Have watched the movie “Bring it On” at least 15 times…
Corporate Sponsor: WickedWeasel

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TomT will be posting under his real name here (at least part of it), in spite of the fact that this site already seems to be crammed-full of Toms. He is a suburban husband and dad doing Union work within public education in the Chicago area. Once in a great while he also posts diaries under the name “Skitters” on Daily Kos, and—during football season—he does his best to chronicle the dark history of a fairly-vicious fantasy league.