Sometimes, I get jealous.

Most of the time when I think about where I thought I’d be by now and where I am, I like to think that I am a lot happier now than I would have been if everything had gone to plan. Occasionally, there are days that take so much out of me that I wonder if that’s true.
I wonder where I’d be and who I’d be if things had just gone the way they were “supposed” to.
Would I still be with The Ex, trying aimlessly to make a career out of writing other people’s stories – getting married and planning the future with him? I can say, without a single doubt, that a life with him is not anywhere near what I want, now that I know better.

Would I be with JME in the townhouse we had in our little suburb of the city, raising James and an almost 1 year old, together?

What if I’d given in and moved in with and married The Mirage?
I would have miserable – there isn’t a single doubt in my mind about that one.
I mean a lifetime of misery is exactly the reason why I chose to walk away.

I am truly happy, where I am now, but sometimes I can’t help but want just a little bit more.
I am not, by any means, unhappy.
I just covet a little more enrichment in some aspects of my life.
Truthfully, it’s the usual stuff that I gripe about – I wish that I had someone in my life.

As happy as I am, I find myself jealous.
Friends getting married and having babies – and then more babies – picking up their lives and moving across country, or to another country, travelling, career changes – the list goes on and on.

I’m not always jealous, but it does happen.
Glimpses of jealousy.

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I can’t even finish writing this, but I guess I’ll publish it anyway.

The strangest thing about this post is that everything I’ve written here, has asolutely nothing to do with what I had the intention of writing about. I guess, even in the one place where I should be able to write what I’m thinking, Ican’t.

Fortunately, sitting here thinking about it, writing it out and erasing it, writing it out and erasing it, has just exhausted me and for the first time in a couple of weeks, I think I’m actually tired enough to get some sleep.

It isn’t even directly related to all of this – other than the jealousy aspect. I suppose I’m just not ready to face my own feelings and confront them by writing them out.