How Much Fighting In A Relationship Is Too Much (And What's Totally Normal)?

A little arguing in a relationship is actually a good sign — much better than zero arguing. Why? An occasional argument just indicates that you’re two separate people with your own perspectives and opinions. So, an argument here and there is not a danger sign. It's actually the sign of healthy individuality.

An exception to that would be if you’re in a new relationship and right off the bat, you argue. Without having a looking glass, you have to figure out: Is this the foreplay to a long relationship of increasing tension, unhappiness, and arguments about almost everything due to a mismatch of core values between you (money, education, kids, socialization, etc)? Or is it an adjustment period of two loving partners getting to know each other early in the relationship?

Zero fighting

Zero fighting needs a closer look. If you’ve been married for decades with ups and downs and now you’re both in the golden years, you know each other very well and understand those triggers and differences. You’ve reached that special place where you love each other despite each other’s idiosyncrasies.

Determine what you mean by fighting. Do you mean arguing or screaming, going crazy arguing? Or do you mean bickering and nagging?

Are we talking about a verbal knockdown, drag-out fight where all bets are off and where screaming, name calling, pillow throwing, and mean insults are hurled at each other like a snowball fight? That sounds ugly! Not good.

What if it's more than verbal?

Fighting and arguing can be all three: physically, emotionally, or psychologically violent.

Remember that physical aggression such as pushing, pinching, slapping, kicking, choking, punching, (and throwing pillows), is totally off limits. Some couples claim that it’s all in the name of fun. Really? … I don't think so.

Deep down in your gut when you feel that it’s gone too far, you know it and you feel awful. You wish it had never happened. What you say to each other in the heat of the moment is engraved in concrete and neither of you can take back those ugly words.

You’re miserable and feel really strange, like you’re seeing everything differently. You find yourself wondering how you even got to this place in your marriage. You’re numb with anxiety that nothing will change, while simultaneously looking at yourself in the mirror without recognizing yourself!

What happened?

You look at him and he’s not looking back at you. You both feel too awkward to apologize and discuss it. Even though the silence is peaceful, it’s not, really. You want him to make the first move and reach out to you, but then part of you is almost hoping that he doesn’t talk about it.

What’s there to say, anyway? It’s almost like each of you crossed an imaginary line in the middle of the room. You did! Now you’re afraid, things will be different forever; you feel lost, confused, and scared.

After a while, arguing and fighting becomes a frequent way of connecting with people. Relationships can become like that, too. The arguments are all negative, but at least each of you still has the energy (negative attention) to keep at it.

So, you argue, yell, blame, slam doors and ignore each other. The unfortunate part is that it’s the only way the two of you communicate, so you justify to yourself that it’s better than nothing!

Whatever you call it, or however you describe it, it’s basically a pattern. Patterns are repetitive and not conducive to growth and evolution within yourself or your relationship! Life is not a rewind, it’s an ongoing process of new discoveries within yourself and within your marriage so that you blossom organically together!

Is arguing the new norm for you? Does it seem like everything’s an argument with one snippy remark leading to another?

Do you spend more time trying to navigate the relationship than just being yourself? You’re constantly on guard as to what to say and how to say it.

It’s been so long that you’ve lost track as to how much fun you used to have just hanging out with each other.

Could it be possible that the two of you’ve grown apart? Was everything great at the beginning?

You find yourself living with a spouse who’s almost a stranger. He’s stopped showing up emotionally in the marriage. When you look at him you see how unhappy he is both at home and at work.

It’s not just him, you look at yourself and you don’t like how you’ve changed in this relationship. You thought you were handling it, but you realize at what cost?

If it feels like a problem, it is a problem.

Perception is the big puzzle piece.

Communicating with each other requires that you honor each other’s perspective.

Begin by letting him know that you hear his explanation of what doesn’t work for him. This technique can calm high emotions down quickly and is done best when each partner has a chance to speak and the other listens.

You each have to own your behavior in this marriage! You can be the first to own your part in this relationship. Ask him what he needs from you to improve this marriage. Then, he asks you what you need from him to make things better between you two.

Example:

You say: “Let’s talk about our last argument.”

He says: ”I was exhausted and grumpy, and I just knew we were going to fight. Next time, how about I agree to tell you that I’m really tired and then I’ll suggest sometimes when we can talk about it later so that I’m in a better mood? What do you think about that? Is that agreeable to you?”

You reply: “Yes, I’m willing to do that. I had no idea you were tired. I just kept thinking about what I wanted to say to you, over and over and I couldn’t wait for you to walk in the door so we could talk. I’m sorry I jumped all over you.”