Archive for August, 2009

There has been much speculation about how the acquisition of Marvel will impact Disney’s existing properties. “Disney fans won’t see any huge changes right away,” said Otto Octavius, who thinks he’s manager of Disney’s corporate branding integration department. “There might be comic books for sale in hotel lobbies, maybe a couple new characters subtly introduced into ‘it’s a small world’ in direct response to guest demands — that kind of thing.”

Based on these statements and various self-substantiated Internet rumors, we present our list of 10 things that will change once the Marvel acquisition is complete:

G-Force and X-Men merge, and their leadership is assumed by Walt Disney himself (who it turns out did not die but rather, through a freak Imagineering accident, was transported to a permanent position in space-time and has been phasing in and out of the space-time continuum, appearing at random to inspire creative events throughout history until brought to the present by they psychic wave of relief released when Disneyland fans learned the California Adventure was finally going to be fixed).

Secret tunnels beneath Disneyland to be managed by Mole Man.

New TV series: House of Mouse Ultimate, featuring reworked, more modern, cutting-edge reimagingings of Mickey and his friends in a real-world setting.

All new Disney live-action films will have a humorous Stan Lee cameo.

New comic book series: Disney Zombies.

Massive increase in rent in properties on a certain “island of adventure”.

It was announced early today that, under terms of the purchase of Marvel by the Walt Disney Corporation, Marvel spokesperson and masked vigilante Spider-man would become a member of the Disney board of directors.

“He will not be a voting member, but will be present in an advisory capacity,” said a clone of late Marvel spokesperson Gwen Stacy. “And he will be ready to lend a hand if there is an attack by Mysterio, Captain Dreamworks, or any other masked villain.”

Peter Parker, a local freelance news photographer, commented, “Although Spider-man and I have never been seen together, I have photographed him many times and am pleased to hear that he will become a valuable part of the Disney team. Perhaps now they can get rid of that incredibly lame Spider-man imitator that hangs out at Universal and isn’t nearly as handsome or limber as I — I mean, Spider-man — is.”

Comic book fan reaction has been mixed. Said Larry Clark, manager of Realm of the Mega Comics and Collectibles Kingdom, “I’m reserving judgment. So many times in the past, there have been changes like this, but they never last. Spider-man gets a new costume, or new powers, or is married, or opens a chain of restaurants, and it seems like things are going to be cool and different, and then you get some stupid excuse for putting everything back like it was.”

In related news, Toon Town welcoms its new chief of law enforcement, Spider-ham.