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Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Hello all, it's me, Lili of Lili-Land. Meeko (he's a cat) insisted on going to the movies tonight to see a film that is surely going to be on Blu-ray before you can blink. But we love to sit in the theater and munch on popcorn.

The Movie? The Family staring my old pal Bobby D. and that cheerleader chick from Glee.

This mess proves my point, over and over. It's really difficult to make a black comedy.

As you all know I've appeared on the cutting room floor before. Luc called me up and insisted I shoot all the scenes as the family dog. I objected to the script and he assured me I would have a paw in writing my scenes.

Well... Let me tell you. Never trust a fussy French director. I walked off the set even as Bobby D. was begging me to stay. I told Bobby to stay away from this badly plotted movie but he wouldn't listen. So be it... we're still friends but his choice in movies is sometimes questionable. This is no Goodfellows or Taxi Driver.

For some reason Meeko, (he's a cat) loved this movie. Derek was indifferent. He spent most of the film with his nosed buried in the popcorn bucket.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Good morning! It is me Lili! As you all know a colonoscopy is a must these days for prevention! So leave to Meeko to suggest I, Lili get one! He had his done and he was actually thrilled with the experience. (What can I say...he's a cat)I was flabbergasted at first, butt Derek suggested a doctor he saw on the Dr. Oz show. Her name was Dr. Pokinheiny. She was a gastronologist from that grand city New York.So my driver, Al, drove me into the city to meet with Nurse Penelope Polyps (Yes, indeed, that is her name) to go over the prep for my "procedure." It was not pretty. She told me I could not drink anything pink, red or purple the day before the colonoscopy. That was disappointing since pink is my favorite color.The night before I feasted on all the food I could eat then the next morning I started my prep. Let me just say Ughhh...Lili-gag awful.

You've got to be kidding me!

Derek gave me a cool cloth for my head. Both Meeko and Derek held my hand and waited on me pads and paws.The day of the tour of my Lil-pretty derrière was nerve racking. I dressed for success only to arrive at the beautiful surgery center to learn I had to wear a dismal hospital gown. I was Lili flabbergasted! I gave the nurse a paw toss and demanded a pink gown! I, being Lili of Lili-Land got my way. With quick results, they supplied me with a gorgeous pink gown made especially for me.The anesthesiologist explained he was using propanol to put me into twilight. I gasped! I almost fainted. Is that what the King of Pop was on? I asked.They assured me it was safe and they don't abuse it. They put on the radio to make for a pleasant atmosphere.In went the IV. I turned on my side and before I knew it, I was awake.

The ironic part of the story, I woke up listening to Michael Jackson singing Beat It! I am not even joking! Derek snickered, it was my Seinfeld moment.I got a clean bill of health. I was over Lili-joyed!We had a feast fit for a Lili Queen that night to celebrate my Colonoscopy.I urged you all to GO, just ask for some Frank Sinatra songs instead of anything by The King of Pop.

Monday, September 23, 2013

RHONJHello all! It's me Lili! Sorry I missed a few days. I was on the French Riviera with the now infamous Simon Cowell, and as they say on TMZ, his baby mama, what's her name anyway? Ugh... Here comes a fur ball creeping up in the back of my throat with disgust.

Baby mama? Eek, I hate that expression!I told Simon I was very disappointed in his shenanigans, but I overlooked it this time because Derek, Meeko and I wanted a free trip on his yacht. Shame on you Simon and shame on you whatever your name is!Anyway, moving along to the RHONJ. What was up with last week's episode?There goes Teresa talking trash with that blonde lady, Penny, that talks about tone deaf Melissa. What was up with that blondes hair? Was that a wig? It reminded me of this woman who was in The Cole Brothers Circus. That woman on RHONJ the blonde that looks like My Little Pony.

Meeko went on and on how her hair wasn't that great! Derek snickered that she probably used Milania Hair Products that Teresa created for Long Manes.Horsey hair, I chimed in! We all had a great laugh! Penny was like a bad penny who kept showing up!Frankly the show was quite boring. The best was when Melissa and Little Joe went to meet with a music producer. Melissa was all phony nice and drank seltzer. Joe kept to true form and got all liquored up. The producer told Melissa to drop the club routine and write new songs.

My delicate ears!

Later at her music studio her voice peeled the paint off the walls. It did. I saw it for myself.

You can't sing.

What a hoot and holler Derek (my BFF), Meeko (he's a cat) and I had last Sunday. Melissa's voice was like listening to nails on the blackboard! We laughed! Now I, Lili, sing beautifully! I can teach Melissa a note or two!

I am Lili, HEAR me ROAR.

Another funny moment was Teresa helping Jacqueline with her public speaking. This all coming from a woman who speaks unintelligible. Does the word "ingrediences" ring a bell?Teresa with her mother and mother-in-law at her Skinny Italian Store. HEY, If it is skinny why are all the men fat on the show?Kathy's Dylan's Candy store debut. Caroline with her phony migraine could not show up to support her but she quickly recovered the next day.I can go on and on here but frankly this was quite boring. Much ado about nothing.Stay tuned for the next episode and then the finale. I hear there is a brawl brewing on an upcoming episode at the Posh Fashion Show. Nothing like a good brawl when it involves someone other than myself! Now you're barking!Talk next week!Have a Lili Grand Time!Many Lili Air Kisses to you!See ya! As the say in New Joisey!Don't forget to read The Green Monkeys at www.gocomics.com

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Derek and Meeko cause such a mess most of the time. I love them... (Meeko is a cat... I know, I know... Cats are not my thing but he's special) but they can cause quite mess between shedding (Derek) and hairballs (Meeko) that I put my little paw down and told them I would clean up.

Here is a picture that Meeko snapped of me working my tail off.

Cleaning is hard work.

I'm not done yet and expect to be busy the rest of the day. "Derek, you missed a spot."

There was a glitch in all this. I insisted that the powers that be at Louis Vuitton give my BFF a brand new steamer trunk. Derek would have loved that.But...You know what? They wouldn't do it. All they gave me for him was a crummy old key chain. What does he need a key chain for? Al, the driver, drives us around all the time.I'll tell you what I did. I quit. Q-U-I-T. I walk right out of there and told Al to drive me home. They can't treat me that way.I grabbed these photos off the desk as I was leaving. I guess they aren't going to use them now. Their loss.Be well, be happy, and have a Lili-icious Day.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Remember those good old days when you could read the comics in the Sunday Papers. Sadly those days are gone but my BFF, Derek, reads The Green Monkeys to me every Sunday when he comes over to watch a movie.

Sometimes Meeko tags along. He brings Cheesey Doodles. Cheesey Doodles turn me a nice shade of orange and Derek has to run the vacuum to clean me off.

Sometimes I can't help myself, after all... they are Cheesey Doodles.

So here is this week's episode of The Green Monkeys. I see that the artist has once again included a special appearance of ME, Lili. I don't mind. They are very funny.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Hello all, it's me, Lili from Lili-Land! Today is a dreary day on the east end so I decided to stay in, eat Chinese food, and watch the Pawn Stars marathon. This afternoon, east meets west. I am chowing down and watching this cool show. China meets the Las Vegas strip.

Chow is very "Cha-Cha."

For the occasion, I am wearing a qipao, a traditional Chinese dress that my dear friend, the actor, Chow Yun-Fat sent me from his homeland. When the package arrived, via Airmail, I was so thrilled, I decided to get takeout to get the full ambiance of China while watching my fave show Pawn Stars. I love the Grandpa, the "Old Man." He always makes me laugh. Sometimes Rick makes me get my Lili Dog up when he laughs at his own jokes. At times, he makes me growl. Not very Lili like!

Look at me... look at me.

I really want to go back to Las Vegas to shop at the pawn shop and maybe have dinner with the gang to catch up! But for now, I am watching the show, eating my Chinese food, and waiting for the new episode of Pawn Stars tonight at 9:00 PM.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Movie Review: RiddickHello all! It's me, Lili of Lili-Land.You've got to be kidding me. Derek and his friend, Meeko, (he's a cat) insisted on seeing this awful mess of a movie called Riddick. I seemed to have been missing something since I didn't see the previous filmed episodes of this one.I think this was a sequel. As I sat in the theater waiting for the previews, people came up to me requesting autographs and photos! It was Lili-exhausting, but of course, I love me and my adoring public. After about 10 minutes I gave all the people a paw toss and a winning smile. I begged them to please sit down and enjoy the movie. They realized I was in some scenes but I demanded the producers cut me out! I hated this movie!I kinda enjoy Vin Diesel from time to time, but somehow cutting off heads isn't my thing. I spent most of the movie buried in my popcorn bucket.Which brings me to Meeko. He tries very hard to be macho like my BFF, Derek, but can't pull it off. I looked over at him during the movie and he was playing Candy Crush on his iPhone.Meeko would rather tip-toe through the tulips instead of outer space rocks and I must say I agree!Derek loved the movie, a real adrenaline filled romp with spaceships, weapons, monsters, and lots of action.Frankly, my dears, it gave me nightmares.There was some sort of alien D-O-G!There was a gooey space monsters right out of the old Alien movie ...ugh ..yuck!Meeko hid under the seat! Derek coaxed him out and I held his hand. Meeko was scared. I think his candy crush timed out. He ran out of lives. Sort of like this film!

Turn left, the monsters are over that way, RUN.

The movie was all over the place. Turn left, the monsters are over that way, RUN.I can't run in heels! It is not Lili like or lady like!Vin Diesel is not a man of many words. I do like him, yet he is a bit of a shlub! I say that in an affectionate way.

So, what's a gal got to do to get a drink around here? No Shirley Temples in this movie.

The original poster but somehow the producers cut me out. Thank goodness.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Hello from Lili-Land! Derek, Meeko and I are making some fresh pasta and tomato sauce or gravy, as they say in New Jersey, preparing to watch tonight's all new episode of those not as famous as me, Lili, housewives.

I believe they are still at the spa and I read spoilers that Manipulative Melissa disses jail bound Teresa at her birthday party during the toast.

I'm disgusted yet I can't look away.

Little Joe Gorga cannot seem to come to grips with the cheating accusations about his wife, the ex stripper, oops I mean faithful housewife! She is writing a book, Love Italian Style The Secrets of My Hot and Happy Marriage!

Oops, I coughed up a fur ball!

I look pretty good, don't I?

Will little Joe Gorga throw dishes? Will manipulator Melissa fess up?

Will they cart Joe Guidice and Teresa off to the big house? Oops I mean their mansion. Will Rosie lose her cool? Will Rich tell them to stuff themselves with Kathy's cannolis?

Time will tell. Stay tuned! Same Jersey time! Same Jersey channel!

We will be Lili lounging in front of our television as should all of you!

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Hello! It's me, Lili, of Lili-Land!

Finally Dancing with the Stars revealed their new cast for that dance off extravaganza. Of course the producers of the show called me, Lili, but I barked out a big, "NO!"I reminded them that I, Lili am an up and coming star. I can't dance on their show with these has-beens and wanna-bees!They explained to me they were aware I am a big name, but they wanted publicity for the show to boost viewership.So I being the Lili I am agreed to do some photo ops for the new season to promote the show. Here they are! Don't forget to watch DWTS this season. I will be tuned in!

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

I think they were discussing video poker strategies. Please be quiet while I crush some candy.

Hi all it's me Lili, of Lili-Land.

I was in Washington recently attending some fancy gathering at the White House. They asked me to sit in on a meeting to offer my Oh, So Fabulous opinions but it was interfering with my new love, Candy Crush. I'm at level 89 and as they say in Hollywood, I was "Crushing it."

It was all talk, talk, talk. Finally, I walked out and went back to the hotel for Spa day. It was delightful. I had my paws wrapped. They were quite sore from all that Candy Crushing.

I have no idea what that meeting was about, but I'm sure our leaders will screw something up.

I'll be back home as soon as you can say "Lili-Sweet-Delicious-Devine!"

Monday, September 2, 2013

Oh ... Hello from sunny Arizona! I was hanging with Derek and Meeko watching the happenings at the Meditation Guru ranch with those crazy New Jersey Housewives. Sorry I missed the blog about the show last week, but as you know I was at the Venice Film Festival. M.r Clooney trumps the RHONJ! So I will combine two shows in one. In one word: Boring! Where are the fights? The table throwing tantrums? The hair extension pulling from the previous seasons.They board a plane to Arizona for that Melissa's birthday.

He makes me laugh.

When they arrived everyone one seemed a bit out of sorts on this trip. They all needed a therapy session, but in true Melissa style, she got sick and sat out of most of the self help activities. She wanted a drink! Wake up, Melissa! Drinks just aggravate the situation, and besides you may spill the beans on your past shenanigans. Joe Gorga bragged that he paid for the whole trip, but I say, "Thank You, Bravo!"There was a psychic that spoke to the deceased. This part was amusing. She was no George Anderson! She guessed a few names in the beginning that were wrong, then she brought up the "Teresa and Melissa" situation. I could have done this reading! These folks are on television! We know all about their lives. The scene with Rich Wakile was touching. Meeko cried! He's a nut. I calmly sipped my Iced Lime cooler from Starbucks. They are the best.There was a ceremony burning the bad things and putting them in the past.Meeko thought I should do that. I showed my teeth and he quickly said he was joking. Silly cat. Cats are always stirring the pot. Just plain sneaky. I love to call Meeko, Melissa, because she is like a mountain lion! Sneaky and meow!!!There was therapy with a horse. A HORSE? Yes... a horse. My favorite part of the show, I love horses! Of course everyone had a deep awakening with the horse whisperer. He looked like Dan Rattiner of Dan's Papers. Look him up.You'll see. All I wanted to do is ride the horse, NOT clean his hoof! I leave that for the stable hands. Yuck.

Ho-hum.

Teresa, Joe Gorga and Melissa couldn't pick up the horses hoof. I shouted out, "Issues! These three have issues!"I know Rich usually gets my fur in a knot and a growl in my throat but I must say he is the most honest on the show along with Rosie.All I could think of is that poor horse. We yelled, "Kick 'em, Cracker!"Is there trouble in paradise for Rich and Kathy? I hope not. They seem a bit off lately. Get back in the saddle and fix your marriage!Jacqueline cried, and Teresa made nice and hugged her. Joe, Joe Guidice was tired and hung over, but he attempted the hoof cleaning, and... he did it! He is nervous about his jail time. He is scared. Well, I would too. Can you imagine me, Lili, in jail. I don't look good in orange unless it's an orange Hermes scarf.They gave Albert a bit of a storyline with his abusive childhood. Meeko went through a whole box of tissues in three minutes. He's an odd cat.Caroline was surprised that Albert opened up to the horse man. Please Caroline, realize bravo is paying for some meaty story lines. Albert needs to get paid.Hey, how old was that horse? He seemed to be tired.But then I realized, the horse was as bored as I was watching these people.Kathy must lose her hat selections! You are not me! Kathy. I, Lili, look Lili-glorious in hats, but you are not cutting it.

I have nothing to say.

I coughed up a fur ball when Teresa came out in her bejeweled bikini. I must say I look much better in my bikini. She thinks she looks fabulous in her black long hair. Well she doesn't look Lili-fabulous like me! I look stunning in my gorgeous blonde locks and my black wig. After all, I am Lili! Teresa made a comment that she is just Teresa. Well yes you are, Teresa. You trail behind me, Lili, on this horse ride.You are a true showoff Teresa! Not humble as I am! I am a star! I am gorgeous and everyone knows it but, at least, I am humble! Take a page from my book!Maybe a big casting agent will toss you a bone.

Yuck, what's that smell? Oh, it's the smell of BORING.

As much as I find Joe Joe Guidice amusing, Teresa states he is an honest guy and doesn't deserve this .. Umm...Teresa, can you spell FRAUD? With your track record in grammar and spelling, probably not! I am not a mean girl, so I wish them luck because I feel sorry for their kids. They don't deserve these problems.The drumming was umm..different. It was lovely, but I went drumming in Africa, once with Clint E. and it was intense! But, that's another story.

I was hitting a major groove... come on, keep up and don't spoil the beat.

Rosie made an announcement that people should treat Kathy better. Teresa's response? Kathy is having her "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia moment." My ears perked up... OOOOH, A Brady Bunch reference! We gave each other a high paw five! We love the reruns. I've seen every episode 20 times.So in this show, everyone makes nice and this spells lackluster!What really got my tail thumping was the preview for next week!Little joe Gorga loses his temper! Stay tuned and have a Lili-icious Day.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

On this Sunday of Labor Day Weekend I find myself somewhat sad to see the passing of the summer. No more sitting around the pool being waited on by my pool-dog Peeples, the Pink Poodle. No more drives to the beach to bark at the seagulls.

Oh, wait... I can whisk myself off to La-La Land and visit all my friends and fans. Maybe even a trip to Palm Springs or back to Lake Como with Georgie Clooney... I have endless possibilities.

I am remembering that warm summer night sitting in front of La Parmigiana when that odd couple got into a fight.

Well, here is the episode of The Green Monkeys that is loosely based on that strange event. Don't forget to read The Green Monkeys every day at www.gocomics.com.