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Friday, October 26, 2007

Fate was playing with me

Since when had my life become so unfair? So unfair that I missed everything good in highschool? So unfair that I missed everything cool in highschool? Since when had I complained about my work ruining my life? Since when had I not been able to even online? Who am I to blame if my life is a wreck now? How am I supposed to free myself from my dull job, the decision I made, the very trap I fell in to?

Pessimism always suited me. Ever since I was little, I tended to hope for the worst, only in order to make the opposite to happen. In short, I had a superpower.

I could control my fate and my future. I could fulfill my wish and hope, to make it happen according to my "actual" will.

When I was a kid,

I had an examination at school, one that I didn't study very well. I knew that the possibility of me failing was incontrovertible. So I knew, pessimistically, that I was going to fail. So I kept hoping for the worst to come. Hoping and hoping solemnly. And then I passed, satisfyingly.

At the moment, I wonder if it's a coincidence, if it's a lie that I didn't know how to answer the test correctly, or that I was lucky.

.

Years and years later, I found luck always coming my way whenever I thought I was doomed, whenever I thought that the worst was in front of me, turned out it wasn't. I was saved again.

I began to realize that maybe it's because of my pessimism. If I was pessimistic, I could somehow, succeed. So I always hoped for the worst in every examination I went through in Junior High and in Senior High. I often got a great mark.

When I was more an adult, I tried to use my pessimism to attain the things I wanted. This was how it worked :

If I wanted something to happen (for instance : when I hoped the blackout ain't occured when I got back) I tried to deeply and truly hope the opposite to happen (in this case : I hoped that the blackout really did happened).

I know it's insane, but it worked. I had a superpower to control my wish.

I never told people about any of it, cause I knew what they would have said, that it was a coincidence it's happened and I was only a lucky pessimistic bastard. But people would not understand this. Statistically speaking, the number was so high for it to be called as coincidence.

Then again, it's hard to prove my ability. See, people didn't need to tell me how to prove if I was really able to make any wish come true.

"If you really are that great, you can use your ability to give yourself a hundred million dollars right now. Just wish that you can't get the money and be as pessimistic as you want... and so if your ability is really there, then you should really really get the money. Well? you can't, right? And therefore it means that you are a normal human being with no superpower whatsoever... maybe perhaps a significantly messed up behaviour as a pessimist."

I know what you're gonna say.

I couldn't wish for anything I want by wishing the opposite to happen, because I would be secretly wishing for it to happen, and therefore I can't get what I want. Do you get that?

Let me rephrase that.

I couldn't get what I want by wishing the opposite to happen because I know that if I do wish the opposite, it was because I wanted the opposite of the opposite to happen and therefore it (what I want) couldn't happen.

Still don't get it? How about this? :

I can't wish for a thing by wishing the opposite because in the bottom of my heart, I wish that.I couldn't lie to myself. That was it.

I had to wish the opposite 'unconsciously' so that I would really believe in the worst. That way, I could get the best.

The only problem is, I am well awake.

I had a superpower, but I couldn't use it when I wanted to use it. I could only use it unknowingly.

.

I have been very busy and I will still be very busy for the days to come. I am now a man with no time on his own. I have no time to sleep enough, I barely have time to watch movies and relax, and I almost never get free time to update blog. For the people who read this and for myself, I apologize.

Almost everyday, I have only two to four hours of free time and it's from 12 am until 3 pm, approximately.

Last Tuesday, I have a special free time from 10 am until 3.20 pm. And I was really planning on relaxing. What I meant by relaxing was watching Grey's Anatomy season 3 because I was addicted to the show at that moment and it was the only thing that could cheer me up that time. I had been working my ass off everyday (including Saturday and Sunday, yes!), so I really appreciated a little time to spend on my own.

So I went home, all optimistic. I brought my lunch with me. I was happy, something I rarely had nowadays.

My happiness dissolved away when I got home. I found out at once that the electricity was out. The damn blackout had struck again. It's only the second day after the Muslim's New Year. I was really pissed off.

I asked my mother when we lost the power. She told me that the blackout had occurred since 8 am in the morning. I counted immediately, and realized that it's two hours away until the blackout ended. See, the PLN (the so-called electric company) always gave us four hours of blackout. Something I had known and hated for so long.

So I waited.

Two more hours, I thought savagely.

I waited again.

I swore and swore. I was angry and vexed. Ninety minutes left.

I waited again.

I still swore. I cursed PLN, I cursed the Indonesian people, its government. But at least one hour later I would be able to watch my movies.

I waited again.

It's almost the time. Twenty minutes.

I waited again.

It was already 12 pm, but the damn blackout didn't stop.

I waited again.

It's exceeded the four-hour limit over half an hour. I was mad.

I waited again, lying on the bed.

Still no power, no Grey's Anatomy. I was furious.

I waited again.

It was 1.15 pm. The power should come at 2 pm, and by then I would have only 80 minutes to spend in watching.

I waited again.

I became savage. I yelled and screamed scathingly over PLN. The clock almost reached two.

I waited again. Doing nothing.

The clock showed 2.12 pm. I had lost my faith. The blackout was incredibly annoying. It had been dark for six hours and twelve minutes, and it was still continuing.

I waited again.

It was 2.30 pm. I realized that my fate was playing with me. Screwing with me, actually. At that moment, I knew that the electricity would come at the moment I walked out my house, which was 3.20 pm. I knew it because I was who I was.

I was the most unfortunate man.

Here came the pessimistic behavior, I thought. I couldn't use my superpower against this because I knew I really wanted to watch the damn Grey thing.

I gave up and didn't wait anymore. My "the only" leisure had been robbed from me. I was so weak. I just lay there on my bed, thinking of alot of things. Why had my life been such an unfortunate one? Didn't I deserve better?

I do, deserve better. Much better than this.

The reason I wanted to watch Grey's Anatomy so badly was that while I was watching it on my computer the previous night, just when I reached the very great part near the end, my computer broke. So I was really eager to know the next part... the final part...

But now... I was deprived. HOW CAN YOU NOT BE MAD ABOUT THAT?

I told my mother that the PLN was torturing me intentionally and that the blackout would stop when they know I had no time to watch anymore... that it ought to be near 3.20 pm the power should be back on.

She didn't believe me.

But I was right.

The power came back at 3.10 pm, just when I had no time to watch anymore.

I really was the most FUCKED OFF man on earth.

.

There was something urging me to fight back.

So I went to my room and turned on my DVD player. "I am gonna watch the damn 10 minutes I was robbed last night!"

So I did it. I felt enormously satisfied, not only because I was able to know the end of the story (which was awesome!) but I also kicked that PLN's and my fate's asses.

I was late to work. So what?

In the end, life is about changing. Superpower or not, I would not give in to my stupid fate. Not now, not ever. I will rise. I will live my own work, my own life. The fate is playing me, so guess what?