Sunday, June 10, 2012

You read that right... there's a new man in my life. And I am so excited!

They say these things happen when you least expect it.

Well, that's certainly true in our case.

But I knew as soon as I laid eyes on him that it was true love.

And I think the feeling is mutual, based on the amount of time we've spent cuddling so far since we began our relationship. :c)

What's that?

What does he look like, you ask?

Well, take a look!

*swoon*

His name is Cody.

Isn't he handsome?

And how about that killer smile! *sigh* It makes a gal weak in the knees!

OK, all kidding aside, as any bored and/or confused soul who's perused this blog has probably deduced, I really do love cows. Always have. I just think they're really, really cute. And funny.

I've always wanted stuffed animals, but, as with so many other "girlish" things, I was afraid of what people would think if I admitted as much.

Well, the past few months, which have been a challenge, to put it mildly, have changed that.

Without going into the details again (they depress me), my job situation has soured in the few short months I've been there. I'll simply say it is not what I was told it would be when I accepted it, in any sense.

As a result, I'm trying desperately to get out - and I will - but at the moment I'm stuck in a bad situation that is getting worse seemingly by the day.

I'm also stuck at my parents house, since my job situation is in limbo. This, also, is less than ideal, to put it mildly. My friend F, who has known me my entire life, visited today. His advice as he departed was succinct:

"You need to get out of here. Now. Not in a year, or even a few months... but right now. It is genuinely unhealthy for you to be there."

I had a session with M, my therapist, and, as she does so often, she helped enormously with putting things in perspective.

"When you wake up each morning," she said, "And you're tempted to run through all of the things that could go wrong, I want you to stop for a moment.

"After a moment,, focus on what you can do that day, and then on doing it to the best of your ability. Not what others want you to do, or tell you that you should be able to do... but what you can do. And not just at work; this is also true at home.

"I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. And I know this isn't what you want to do career-wise. But this is temporary. Even though it doesn't feel that way right now.

"You're literally in transition in almost every area of your life: work, home, physically, emotionally... any one of those is an enormous challenge. And you're doing them all at once. But it will get better."

I know it will. In the past - before I decided to transition - similar situations would have sent me spiraling into crippling depression. It happened far too often. I invested far too much meaning into my job, using it as a place to hide.

Well, I don't need to do that anymore. I WON'T do that anymore. Because I actually LIKE myself now. And I know I deserve better. For the first time in my life, I can look at a situation like this, and realize this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing. I may not know quite what I am supposed to be doing, but I will figure it out.

In the meantime, I can do what I can, as M suggested. And part of that, I now realize, is taking care of myself. And being good to myself. And that's where Cody comes in.

I showed M the picture of Cody from above. After she finished laughing, she said this is precisely what I should be doing.

"This is all part of learning to accept yourself. It's wonderful that you can acknowledge feelings and desires that you always found shameful or embarrassing, such as wanting stuffed animals, and then not only accept them, but do something about them.

"It may seem like a small thing... but they add up."

So I thought I was simply indulging a soft spot for my friends of the bovine persuasion... but I guess I'm also taking another small step towards becoming myself.

Even better, I now have a new friend to keep me company on the journey.

Welcome, Cody!

***

Oh, one positive item this week (no, not the Mariners combined no-hitter on Friday night, cool as that was): the doctors at the new clinic approved me to continue HRT treatment with them! Yea!

This is great news, even though it was basically a formality, since I have been on them for nearly seven months now. This is a first-class facility that specializes in transgender patients, and has a wide array of services - far more than my previous doctor, kind though he was - could offer.

This only reinforces the necessity of finding a job that is close to their office. And I will. Of course, I will gladly accept any and all good wishes/positive karma anyone would care to send my way. :c) I will happily return the favor when it is needed!

***

I thought I would close out my favorite song from Shawn Colvin, who published her autobiography to great acclaim this week. I picked it up on Friday, and thoroughly enjoyed the first few chapters I read in M's waiting room this afternoon.

While there are other contenders for favorite song ("Shotgun Down The Avalanche" is a close second), I've always loved "Round of Blues." The toughness, grit, and hard-won optimism are unmistakable:

Here we go again

Another round of blues

Several miles ago

I set down my angel shoes

On a lost highway

For a better view

Now in my mind's eye

All roads lead to you

So wherever you go

You better take care of me

This time

If you're gonna go

Remember me and all

This time

We had our bitter cheer

And sweet sorrow

We lost a lot today

We'll get it back tomorrow

I hear the sound of wheels

I know the rainbow's end

I see lights in a fat city

I feel love again

So wherever you go

You better take care of me

This time

If you're gonna go

Remember me and all

This time

It epitomizes what both she and her music are all about: defiant, determined, vulnerable, and unabashedly feminine. Those are all pretty good qualities to emulate, actually!