The Legend of Grey Beard

Whether you’re young, old or a wizard it’s time to split the hairs on grey beard.

You might think grey hairs are the ticking hands on nature’s clock, sign posting your days with the inevitability of aging. See also: voting conservative and erectile dysfunction.

Gandalf’s admirers saw his beard as a symbol of his power and wisdom.

Buddha reckons grey hairs are little angels sent by the god of death.

Science claims that a deficiency or absence of the melanin pigment is the cause of premature white or grey hair. This is exacerbated by excessive stress, too much thinking, being a Dad, alcohol and spicy food.

As with every question of health, the answer to grey beard is split in dichotomy: science vs. nature, pharmaceuticals vs. change in lifestyle, dye your beard or smother it in cow’s butter.

Or maybe you simply prefer the look of grey grandmaster.

In matters of the beard we Buccaneers prefer to remain impartial. So here is our holistic guide to grey beard split into three sections: Nature, Science and Wizard.

Nature can’t fruit pills and capsules tailored to your ailments or sprout dyes to match your hair colour. However, in its abundance it has provided us with the ingredients for all remedies. Fucking off processed shit and eating nutrients – fruits, green vegetables, pulses and protein foods – can cure premature greying. Though, if you are looking for a more considered approach you can try some of Mother Earth’s recipes:

Curry Leaves: The Vitamin B in curry leaves restores colour in your hair by nourishing and strengthening the roots. This also promotes the growth of new hair with healthier and stronger pigments.

Boil a handful of curry leaves in 100ml of water. Once half the water has evaporated, drink the rest. Do this every day. Add Amla powder (Indian gooseberry) for supercharge.

Mix 1 to 4 teaspoons of Amla to Coconut oil. Boil mixture for at least two minutes and leave to cool. Massage onto scalp and beard.

Amla Drink: Smash a cup of Amla juice daily for at least a month.

Amla Jam: Eat this.

Cows Butter: Rub this shit all over your beard 8 to 10 times a month.

If none of this works and you’re sick of smelling like the inside of an Indian takeaway maybe science has your answer.

With the pressure to be forever young now affecting men as well as women, ‘grey away’ beard dye products are flowing into the cosmetic market. Here is a short guide on how to choose and apply beard dye.

Choosing dye: It’s best to go semi-permanent over permanent as permanent is usually done in a salon and can be costly to return every time your beard grows. The most difficult process here is matching the dye with your hair colour. As beards are generally lighter it is best to choose a lighter colour.

Preparation: As the chemicals in the dye can be quite toxic it is best to do a ‘patch test’ on the back of your hand first to check if you have a reaction. Also, don’t apply shampoo and conditioner to your beard the night before as it will block the dye from entering your hair.

Applying: Apply the beard dye with the brush you scored in the packet, in its absence use a toothbrush. Apply the dye evenly to every part of your face, don’t worry about it getting on your skin as it will wash off. Leave for 5 minutes or the recommended time then rinse.

The reviews for beard dye are varied, mostly in their dissatisfaction. Customers detail all types of experiences ranging from patchy blue spots to an allergic reaction that causes your cheeks to ‘swell like a balloon’.

Grow it out – the way of the grey.

So you have decided that your idea of magic is wisdom, power and wizardry not blue skin and infected cheeks, and quite frankly we commend you.

Aging is a process to be relished not fought. Whether this is submitting to the dominion of time or based on some abstract notion of interconnectivity, accepting that life is lived and things grow and change is much easier than denial.

While having a grey beard may make you look older, try to enjoy the embodiment of progress. Grey beards are a symbol of status, maturity and depth. Tucked inside each greying follicle are thousands of stories, coiled up like DNA that could be stretched to circumnavigate the world 53 times and probably teach it a few valuable lessons along the way.

So fuck conforming to the idea of perfection or youth or normalcy and rock those magical grey hairs because in a sea of brown and blonde the grey bearded man is king.

Here are some pictures of grandiose grey beards if you need more convincing: