“You can’t sit in this chair without being a savage.”
With that line, Sons of Anarchysignaled the true fall of the King and the rise of Charming's new leader, its tarnished young prince. It’s taken Jax (Charlie Hunnam) five seasons and the brutal loss of his childhood best friend to bring him to the harsh truth, but he’s finally accepted it. If he wants to run the club correctly, he’s going to have to get his hands a little bloody. He’s been inching towards this conclusion all season, but it wasn’t until he sat down at the Sons’ table after sentencing Clay (Ron Perlman) to excommunication from the club that has defined his entire life, that Jax truly accepted his new fate. In order to do this right, he’s got to, in a sense, become the reaper. By the end of the episode, Jax has taken his first violent action against his ex, Wendy (Drea de Matteo), who after being kidnapped by the Irish tried to use her newfound knowledge of Abel’s kidnapping back in Season 2 to wrest custody from Tara and Jax. Now that Jax has fully assumed his role as ruthless leader, those principles are bleeding into the rest of his life as well. He takes a page from Gemma’s playbook and replicates her sly move from Season 1: he corners Wendy, injects her with drugs, and says he’ll call for drug testing if she pursues the custody battle. This dark, violent reaction is the perfect picture of who Jax has become. When it comes down to it, everything he does – no matter how vile – is for family, whether that family is the club or Tara and the boys. At its core, each horrible act is based in love and honor, but in Jax’s reality that honor can only be achieved by sinister means. That's the simple, sad reality of Charming. It’s a questionable existence that Jax was never able to fully accept or ingest, and chasm his father never managed to cross. But Jax has become what his father couldn’t, and he’s discovering that he needs pieces of Clay’s ruthlessness to truly reach that goal. It’s fitting and poignant then, that the final scene before Jax takes down Wendy is that of Clay’s excommunication. While the miserable music flows over the scene, Clay’s Sons tattoos are blacked in. Unlike other former club members, whose tattoos were removed with excruciating pain and melting of skin as a way of obscuring the mark they no longer deserve, Clay’s final moments as a member of the club were quiet and simple. He didn’t flinch and his body was covered with the giant black mark of his betrayal. He very simply told Gemma they’d sleep at his place, to avoid getting the ink on her fancy, clean sheets, and sauntered off to his hour of reckoning. And while the moment was all about Clay and what he’d lost, it’s impossible to view this moment without thinking of the man coming in to truly take his place. It's the passing of the crown, as only SoA can do it. Jax has been leading the club all season, and all the while, Clay has been trying to usurp him. Now, with his betrayal on the table and his membership stripped from him, Jax’s transformation is complete: he's got the final piece necessary for his ruling armor. As the black ink filled in Clay’s image of the Reaper, we could see Jax’s authority becoming whole. And despite everything Clay has done, the moment is tinged with great sadness. This is what was always meant to happen. This is what we wanted, what Jax wanted. So why does it feel so wrong? Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler [Photo Credit: FX (2)] More: Sons of Anarchy Stars Kim Coates and Theo Rossi on How Not to Die - VIDEO Sons of Anarchy Won't Let Up, Sends Gemma Off the Deep End Sons of Anarchy: Introducing the New Jax
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With the announcement last month of a new Star Wars trilogy beginning with Episode VII in 2015, the minds of fans started racing faster than the Millennium Falcon making the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs. Next to nothing is known about the new movies, but that hasn’t stopped everyone who once owned a Boba Fett lunchbox from wildly speculating about what we could see on our next big-screen journey to that Galaxy Far, Far Away. The most popular questions: Will Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford return? If so, how large will their roles be? And will this new movie give Han Solo the heroic death Ford hoped for but was denied in Return of the Jedi? Star Wars fans, it’s time we take a collective breath. Decades worth of rumors that have swirled around George Lucas’ space opera should tell us that idle speculation usually gets you nowhere. A friend of mine was absolutely convinced after having seen The Empire Strikes Back as a kid that Boba Fett is in fact Luke Skywalker’s father, not Darth Vader. How else could Fett’s shot at Luke on Cloud City have missed its mark at such close range unless Fett deliberately missed. And why did he deliberately miss? Because Luke’s really his son!
Many of these theories say more about us than they do about the films. So before you totally OD on Episode VII speculation, take a look at some of the craziest rumors that have been attached to the Star Wars franchise over the past few decades, and decide for yourself how profitable such theorizing really is.
1. Darth Vader, the Robot—In the immediate aftermath of Star Wars’ 1977 release, chatter focused on what Darth Vader is, as much as who he is. Some fans thought that Vader was actually a robot, citing how he’s completely concealed in armor and how his heavy-footed gait has a metallic clank. Of course, why they thought that a robot would need to breathe is a bit of a headscratcher. And they obviously thought Obi-Wan Kenobi was a liar when he said that Darth Vader was a pupil of his, unless they really think he’d train, rather than just program, a droid. Scratch that, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a liar.
2. Mick Jagger Would Compose The Empire Strikes Back’s Score—This doozy came from an October 1979 issue of Starlog, a now semi-legendary sci-fi zine that’s long since bitten the dust. (And unfortunately is not archived online.) Apparently, a rumor started that John Williams, author of Star Wars’ soaring fanfare of a score, would be replaced with the Rolling Stones lead singer. “Play With Fire” could have made for a killer flashback, though, during which we see Darth Vader’s lava-induced injuries.
3. Han Solo Was Marked for Death—Everyone seemed to think that the spice smuggler was going to bite it, possibly in The Empire Strikes Back. A bunch of different theories spelled out exactly how he would die, though the craziest has to be one in which Han would fight a lightsaber duel—despite not being known to wield a lightsaber—against Darth Vader! Somehow in the course of the duel their respective life-force energies would fuse and they’d become one being, meaning that Luke Skywalker, in trying to defeat Vader, would also have to kill his best friend!
Even Darth Vader performer David Prowse suggested to Starlog in June 1979 that Han would die in a battle with the then-new villain Boba Fett. The surprisingly loose-lipped former wrestler also said that there would be twelve Star Wars movies, and that he would appear as Vader in the prequel installments Episodes II and III. The latter point didn’t happen, obviously, but Prowse wasn’t all wrong. This is something that could only have been kept quiet in the pre-Internet Era, but Prowse actually spoiled the secret of Luke Skywalker’s paternity to a fanzine in April 1978, the quotes from which were published later that summer in The San Francisco Examiner. Yes, he said that Darth Vader is Luke’s father a full two years before The Empire Strikes Back was released, and I quote: “In the film, Alec Guinness goes to great lengths to explain to poor Luke how his father had been killed by Darth Vader. Luke’s father was killed by Darth Vader, right? And how Darth Vader turned to evil, etc., etc. His father was good and all this sort of thing. In the next film, there is going to be a confrontation between Luke and Darth Vader and they then discover that Darth Vader never killed his father, that Darth Vader IS his father. So son can’t kill father, and father can’t kill son—so Darth Vader lives until the next sequel.”
4. Empire or Jedi Would Feature Time Travel—This seems like the musings of some overzealous Star Trek fans for what they’d like to see in Star Wars, but a theory reported by Starlog’s February 1980 issue suggested that the Millennium Falcon would pass through a time warp, sending Luke, Han, and Chewbacca into the era of the Clone Wars. During that time they’d up fighting alongside Luke’s father and Obi-Wan Kenobi. Just think for a moment how awesome a Han Solo/General Grievous showdown would be. Or not.
5. Leonardo DiCaprio as Anakin Skywalker—In 1999, the world’s most beloved movie franchise was about to get relaunched with the prequels. So why shouldn’t Lucasfilm tap the world’s biggest heartthrob, Leonardo DiCaprio, coming right off Titanic mania, as the adolescent Anakin Skywalker for Episode II? Fans everywhere thought he was the most likely choice, but the rumor that George Lucas was considering him for the role wasn't substantiated at the time beyond reports that the actor had visited Skywalker Ranch in Marin County, CA for a private screening of The Phantom Menace. However, this rumor turned out to be true. In 2010, while promoting Inception, DiCaprio finally went on the record to Shortlist about how he was approached for the role. "I did have a meeting with George Lucas about [Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars prequels] as well, yes." he said. “Just didn't feel ready to take that dive. At that point." Other actors reportedly considered at the time were James Van Der Beek, Joshua Jackson, Eric Christian Olsen, Erik von Detten, Ryan Phillippe, and Chris Klein. What could have been!
6. The Prequels Would Show a More Primitive Star Wars Galaxy—Leading up to the release of The Phantom Menace in 1999, many fans thought that the prequels would show a less technologically sophisticated Galaxy Far, Far Away. After all, Episode I was set 33 years before the events of the original Star Wars. So the technology on display should appear regressive, right? Wrong! The underlying technological premise of Star Wars is that there isn’t much further a civilization can evolve once faster-than-light space travel has been invented. Therefore most of the Star Wars galaxy has had the level of tech you see in the original trilogy for thousands of years. That hasn’t stopped fans from griping about it, though.
7. The Obi-Wan/Anakin/Padmé Love Triangle—Also known as “The Theory in Which Obi-Wan is an Even Bigger Liar than Anyone Thought and is Actually Luke’s Father.” For years fans had speculated that the aged Jedi Master was more than just a father figure to Luke. But when the prequels were ramping up in earnest, it seemed like the new films might lend credence to the theory. For one, Natalie Portman’s Padmé Amidala was a mature adolescent in The Phantom Menace, while Jake Lloyd’s Anakin Skywalker was just a snotty ten-year-old who says stuff like “Are you an angel?” and “I’m a person!” Why wouldn’t Naboo’s Queen prefer Ewan McGregor’s Obi-Wan instead? Actually, this is a theory that is slightly acknowledged in Revenge of the Sith, when Hayden Christensen’s Anakin, brimming with accusatory rage, does seem to suggest when he says to his wife “You’re with him!” that Padmé may be having an affair with his old Master. But sorry, fans. Until Maury Povich says otherwise, Anakin is definitely the father.
So you see that rumormongering is usually not that fruitful an activity. Not that we’re discouraging your theories about the new trilogy! Just understand that they are likely to be proven totally wrong, and not just from a certain point of view.
Follow Christian Blauvelt on Twitter @Ctblauvelt
[Photo Credit: Lucasfilm]
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Election Season is far enough behind us to forget who Barack Obama even ran against (I wanna say it was Matt something?), the World Series has come and gone, and the vociferous campaign for People Magazine's Sexiest Man has landed a much less contested candidate than last year. You might think we have nothing left to debate — no polarizing argument in which to invest ourselves so vehemently to the point of popping veins and losing friendships. But you're overlooking one all-important dichotomy that has plagued our culture for the past several years: Edward Vs. Jacob.
The Twilight Saga heroine Bella Swan might have made her choice in the vampirious Mr. Cullen, but there are doubtlessly many who reserve affection for Edward's werewolf rival. The Team Edward/Team Jacob battle broke out between the installments of the book-turned-film series, plaguing the American populace with an intense animosity for the opposing sides. Some thought Edward to be Bella's meant-to-be, her first love, her soul mate. Others considered Jacob the more suitable partner, purer of heart and more capable of a giving, healthy relationship.
This is a phenomenon that has tread beyond the parameters of Twilight fandom into popular culture, affecting not only Twihards but the human species on the whole. And in its widespread outbreak, this pandemic has affected two particular communities the most: actual people named Edward and Jacob. No longer are these innocent men able to go about their days, enjoying the moniker supplied by loving parents. Now, there are connotations. They are unwittingly thrust into this bloodletting warfare, forced to defend their nomenclature against the opposing side.
But what's in a name? How does one state a case for the superior quality of his given handle? Simple: by citing some of the best examples of figures who have borne that same praenomen. So without further ado, we present to you just that. The ultimate showdown, broken down into nine disparate battles in the form of our very own additions to the Twilight Saga — other Edwards Vs. Jacobs... in pop culture, of course.
The Scorsese Saga: Fast Eddie Felson Vs. Jake LaMotta
Team Edward: Fast Eddie Felson, played by Paul Newman in The Color of Money
Powers at His Disposal: The almost unteachable skill of pool hustling, and the rare ability to teach it.
Team Jacob: Jake LaMotta, played by Robert De Niro in Raging Bull
Powers: A bull-like rage (also his undoing)
Winner: Jake LaMotta — Raging Bull is a classic (0/1)
The Seven Seas Saga: Blackbeard Vs. Jake of the Never Land Pirates
Team Edward: Real life 18th Century pirate Blackbeard, born Edward Teach
Powers: An iconoclastic reverence among enthusiasts of pirate culture and facial hair alike
Team Jacob: The starring player in the Disney cartoon Jake and the Never Land Pirates
Powers: The greatest power of all: the ability to teach children
Winner: Jake of the Never Land Pirates. It's good to be educational (0/2)
The Journalistic Saga: Edward R. Murrow Vs. Jacob Riis
Team Edward: Cold War-era CBS news reporter Edward R. Murrow
Powers: The ability to take down Joseph McCarthy with a single bound!
Team Jacob: Jacob Riis, turn-of-the-20th Century Danish-American reporter/social reformer
Powers: Laser-powered muckraking!
Winner: Edward R. Murrow... you can thank him for the lack of xenophobic oppression you might be facing today (1/2)
The Lost Saga: Edward Mars Vs. Jacob
Team Edward: Edward Mars (Frederic Lehne), the ill-fated U.S. Marshal assigned to the arrest of Kate Austen
Powers: A superhuman devotion to justice
Team Jacob: Jacob (Mark Pellegrino)... you know, the dude who's pretty much God
Powers: The dude is pretty much God
Winner: You might be surprised by this one, but Edward — at the end of the day, Jacob was kind of a bulls*** artist (2/2)
The Ramis Saga: Cousin Eddie Vs. Joliet Jake Blues
Team Edward: Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) of the National Lampoon's Vacation franchise fame
Powers: The ability to show up, unannounced, anywhere in the country that might provide peril to his cousin Chevy Chase
Team Jacob: Joliet Jake Blues (John Belushi), one half of the titular pair in The Blues Brothers
Powers: Just listen to the music, people
Winner: Belushi all the way, of course (2/3)
The Talking Dog Saga: Eddie McDowd Vs. Jake the Dog
Team Edward: Seth Green's forgettable Nickelodeon antihero from 100 Deeds of Eddie McDowd
Powers: Does shapeshifting count when you can't control it?
Team Jacob: Jake the Dog from the Cartoon Network series Adventure Time
Powers: That arm-stretching thing, and loyalty
Winner: Eddie McDowd, if only for that nostalgia factor with which so many of us are plagued (3/3)
The Sitcom Children Saga: Eddie Munster Vs. Jake Harper
Team Edward: In a strange inversion of fate, this Edward is a werewolf: young Eddie Munster (Butch Patrick) from the classic '60s sitcom The Munsters
Powers: Near immortality, transformation into full-on wolf come full moon, a snazzy fashion sense
Team Jacob: Jake Harper (Angus T. Jones), Jon Cryer's son on Two and a Half Men
Powers: Bodily functions.
Winner: Eddie Munster, because... well, you know (4/3)
The Mutant Pariah Saga: Edward Scissorhands Vs. Jake "The Snake" Roberts
Team Edward: Tim Burton's greatest creation, Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands
Powers: A love unparalleled
Team Jacob: Retired professional wrestler and python wrangler Jake "The Snake" Roberts
Powers: The snake, mostly
Winner: Another obvious victory for the Edwards... man, we all love that movie (5/3)
The Definitely Talented But Kind of Generic White Male Actor Over the Age of 30 Who Has Been in a Bunch of Good Things, Sure, But Hasn't Ever Really Taken Off as a Star — At Least Not Yet, Anyway Saga: Edward Norton Vs. Jake Gyllenhaal
Team Edward: Edward Norton of Fight Club, American History X, and Death to Smoochy
Powers: He used to be able to turn green and smash stuff, but Mark Ruffalo took that from him
Team Jacob: Donnie Darko, Brokeback Mountain, and Zodiac starJake Gyllenhaal
Powers: Those eyes.
Winner: Edward Norton. Go see Moonrise Kingdom, by the way (6/3).
And so, just like in the movies, Team Edward takes the victories. Catch The Twilight Saga's final chapter, Breaking Dawn - Part 2 in theaters on Friday, Nov. 16.
[Photo Credit: Summit Entertainment]
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I know exactly what you're thinking: Bond. Bourne. Hunt. MacGyver. Yep, you heard that last one correctly: MacGyver. Men in America need a real role model, you see. No more of these suave, three-steps-ahead-of-you thinkers, with their big guns and fancy gadgets and crazy top-secret government training. It's time for a real crafty man to jump back into the fold. Which is why James Wan is in talks to direct a movie based off the popular extreme DIYer, MacGyver. The film is being headed up over at New Line, says Variety, and the company has decided to chat up Wan about helming the reboot after his supernatural horror flick, The Conjuring performed well with test audiences, therefore pleasing the good ol' boys running the studio.
For those that have somehow never heard of the famous TV agent, the movie version of MacGyver would be based on the popular 1980s TV series starring Richard Dean Anderson. The show followed his Angus MacGyver while he fought criminals the old-fashioned way: without guns or heavy weapons, just good old ingenuity to fight his weekly bad guys. Wits and whatever's lying around—not quite what Bond's MO is, huh? The show was a big hit for ABC—running seven years and subsequently spawning two made-for-tv movies.
So far, no plot details have leaked to the press, though it is being reported that the script's first draft was penned by Jason Richman, most recently worked on by Brian and Mark Gunn. Uber-famous cinema family, Martha and Raffaella De Laurentiis are producing through their Dino De Laurentiis Company with Lee David Zlotoff. No word on how prominently pens and gum will be featured in the upcoming version.
Hollywood.com has reached out for comment, but did not hear back at the time of publication.
Are you excited about a MacGyver reboot? Let us know in the comments!
[Photo Credit: ABC]
Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes
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Widening the thematic scope without sacrificing too much of the claustrophobia that made the original 1979 Alien universally spooky Prometheus takes the trophy for this summer's most adult-oriented blockbuster entertainment. The movie will leave your mouth agape for its entire runtime first with its majestic exploration of an alien planet and conjectures on the origins of the human race second with its gross-out body horror that leaves no spilled gut to the imagination. Thin characters feel more like pawns in Scott's sci-fi prequel but stunning visuals shocking turns and grand questions more than make up for the shallow ensemble. "Epic" comes in many forms. Prometheus sports all of them.
Based on their discovery of a series of cave drawings all sharing a similar painted design Elizabeth (Noomi Rapace) and Charlie (Logan Marshall-Green) are recruited by Weyland to head a mission to another planet one they believe holds the answers to the creation of life on Earth. Along for the journey are Vickers (Charlize Theron) the ruthless Weyland proxy Janek (Idris Elba) a blue collar captain a slew of faceless scientists and David (Michael Fassbender) HAL 9000-esque resident android who awakens the crew of spaceship Prometheus when they arrive to their destination. Immediately upon descent there's a discovery: a giant mound that's anything but natural. The crew immediately prepares to scope out the scene zipping up high-tech spacesuits jumping in futuristic humvees and heading out to the site. What they discover are the awe-inspiring creations of another race. What they bring back to the ship is what they realize may kill their own.
The first half of Prometheus could be easily mistaken for Steven Spielberg's Alien a sense of wonder glowing from every frame not too unlike Close Encounters. Scott takes full advantage of his fictional settings and imbues them with a reality that makes them even more tantalizing. He shoots the vistas of space and the alien planet like National Geographic porn and savors the interior moments on board the Prometheus full of hologram maps sleeping pods and do-it-yourself surgery modules with the same attention. Prometheus is beautiful shot in immersive 3D that never dampers Dariusz Wolski's sharp photography. Scott's direction seems less interested in the run-or-die scenario set up in the latter half of the film but the film maintains tension and mood from beginning to end. It all just gets a bit…bloodier.
Jon Spaihts' and Damon Lindelof's script doesn't do the performers any favors shuffling them to and fro between the ship and the alien construction without much room for development. Reveals are shoehorned in without much setup (one involving Theron's Vickers that's shockingly mishandled) but for the most part the ensemble is ready to chomp into the script's bigger picture conceits. Rapace is a physical performer capable of pulling off a grisly scene involving an alien some sharp objects and a painful procedure (sure to be the scene of the blockbuster season. Among the rest of the crew Fassbender's David stands out as the film's revelatory performance delivering a digestible ambiguity to his mechanical man that playfully toys with expectations from his first entrance. The creature effects in Prometheus will wow you but even Fassbender's smallest gesture can send the mind spinning. The power of his smile packs more of a punch than any facehugger.
Much like Lindelof's Lost Prometheus aims to explore the idea of asking questions and seeking answers and on Scott's scale it's a tremendous unexpected ride. A few ideas introduced to spur action fall to the way side in the logic department but with a clear mission and end point Prometheus works as a sweeping sci-fi that doesn't require choppy editing or endless explosions to keep us on the edge of our seats. Prometheus isn't too far off from the Alien xenomorphs: born from existing DNA of another creature the movie breaks out as its own beast. And it's wilder than ever.
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May 14's Two and a Half Men finale perfectly captured the spirit of Season 9: It was erratic, it was occasionally funny and it completely negated the episode before it. That's not really a positive or negative, just acknowledgement that the episode happened at its regularly scheduled time slot. With Season 10 confirmed for next Fall, that's not necessarily how a show, especially the "new" Two and a Half Men, should go out.
Swapping in the polarizing Ashton Kutcher for show mainstay Charlie Sheen was never going to be the perfect solution — as those who follow the show with an eagle eye will tell you, Two and a Half Men was all about Charlie — but the successful, modern sitcom could have done a heck of a lot worse. Creator Chuck Lorre saw something in Kutcher, a performer with the potential to internally reboot the series for a younger audience. A former TV regular, a seasoned comedian, and an actor with warped sensibilities aligning with the show's off-the-wall antics, Kutcher was a logical choice that still felt drastically different than Sheen's approach.
The experiment worked: 27.5 million people tuned into Ashton's debut and its 24-episode run warranted the rewired series a tenth season (not to mention a pay bump for Kutcher). Creatively, Season 9 was hit or miss — not a far cry from the past eight years of Two and a Half Men buffoonery. Charlie Sheen's boozing, cruising womanizer defined Men, but Kutcher's Walden Schmidt threw an interesting wrench into a show that was running on autopilot. The death of Charlie put Jon Cryer's Alan front and center, dealing with the ramifications of losing his life crutch while attempting to raise his dimwitted son Jake. Walden, when he wasn't slipping into full-on manchild mode, was a sensible, mellow companion for Alan. That's a feat for a show that's all about caricatures and off-color humor, and when a Season 9 Two and a Half Men episode missed the mark, the fault was rarely Kutcher's.
That said, Two and a Half Men went an entire season without figuring out how to consistently and effectively use Walden. In his prime, he was complicating Alan as a steadfast companion, or delving into his own past by digging up old friends. But at his worst, he was just… there. He was a background player to whatever silly, usually crass adventures Alan found himself in that week. For its finale, Two and a Half Men focused on Jake's graduation and decision to enlist in the army. A bold choice, as Jake has been basically nonexistent for the entire season, a year of episodes carried by an A-List newcomer. There's little constancy in the choices made by the writers of Two and a Half Men and it keeps the show from hitting any comedic stride. Creating arcs for characters may be too much to ask of an audience (see: the fate of the-too-clever-for-its-own-good Arrested Development), but Two and a Half Men had an opportunity with Walden that was squandered. Introducing major plot points and then not paying them off is just sloppy.
There's hope for Season 10 (unless you're still waiting for Charlie Sheen to return… then you're out of luck). While Angus T. Jones' Jake seems like a lost cause, a character whose gone off the deep end into a bottomless pit of stupidity, the rest of the cast have the chops to bring the funny with their established characters. The solution is the show caring about those characters. Two and a Half Men opts for lowbrow potty humor (see: the episode about vomiting) when it has a colorful ensemble to draw from. There's a distinct chasm between Alan and Walden, both men sporting their own strengths and flaws, but this season's episodes of Men pack so much zany plot, the relationship has barely been mined.
With Jake now in the military (which I'm hoping is the show's strategic move to write him completely off), Men has an opportunity to turn down the wackiness for Season 10. Give the duo a few longer-term problems to fix over the course of 24 episodes and let the dynamic go to work. Give the girlfriends' meatier parts too — Courtney Thorne-Smith and Sophie Winkleman as Lyndsey and Zoey are stronger than Alan's Mom, Berta or Alan's ex-wife Judith will ever be. Throw the remnants of the Sheen days out the window and truly reboot the show.
Those who stuck out the transitional Season 9 without relying too much on Sheen praise/Ashton Kutcher hate found something to like. The show has its moments. With a full slate of episodes under their belt, here's hoping the creatives behind Two and a Half Men understand how to use Kutcher's Walden and the characters that surround him, and pump out a solid season in Fall 2012.
Follow Matt Patches Twitter @misterpatches.
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The black and white film completed a weekend trio of triumphs after also winning gold at the Cesar Awards in Paris on Friday (24Feb12) and the Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, California on Saturday (25Feb12).
The Artist filmmaker Michel Hazanavicius was also triple weekend winner after claiming the Best Director honour at the Hollywood &amp; Highland Center on Sunday, and the film also took home trophies for Costume Design and Score, while Jean Dujardin became the first Frenchman to pick up the coveted Best Actor award for his portrayal as silent film star George Valentin.
Meanwhile, Martin Scorsese's first 3D film Hugo picked up five of its 11 nominations in categories including Best Cinematography, Best Editing and Best Sound Mixing.
Other big winners at the 84th Academy Awards included Meryl Streep (Best Actress), Octavia Spencer (Best Supporting Actress), Woody Allen (Best Original Screenplay), Alexander Payne (Best Adapted Screenplay), Christopher Plummer, who, at 82, became the oldest actor ever to win an Academy Award, for his supporting role in Beginners, and A Separation, which became the first movie from Iran to win a Best Foreign Language Film Oscar.
Billy Crystal returned to host the ceremony for the ninth time and kicked off the show with one of his famous movie montages, playing The Artist's leading man George Valentin in a silent torture scene and George Clooney's comatose partner in The Descendants.
The odd couple shared a kiss as the movie hunk and Oscar nominee woke the sleeping comic and told him he had to host the ceremony, joking, "The Academy has got the youngest, hippest writers in town."
Crystal also placed himself in scenes from The Help, Bridesmaids, The Adventures of Tin Tin, Moneyball and Midnight in Paris, where he doubled up as Sammy Davis Jr. opposite Justin Bieber.
There was also a cameo for Tom Cruise in a brief Mission: Impossible skit.
In his opening monologue, Crystal joked, "The movies have always been there for us... so tonight, enjoy yourself because nothing can take the sting out of the world's economic problems like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues."
The full list of 2012 Oscar winners is:
Best Motion Picture of the Year
The Artist
Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Jean Dujardin (The Artist)
Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Meryl Streep (The Iron Lady)
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Christopher Plummer (Beginners)
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Octavia Spencer (The Help)
Best Achievement in Directing
Michel Hazanavicius (The Artist)
Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
Woody Allen (Midnight in Paris)
Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
Alexander Payne, Jim Rash &amp; Nat Faxon (The Descendants)
Best Animated Feature Film
Rango
Best Foreign Language Film of the Year
A Separation (Iran)
Best Achievement in Cinematography
Robert Richardson (Hugo)
Best Achievement in Editing
Kirk Baxter &amp; Angus Wall (The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo)
Best Achievement in Art Direction
Dante Ferretti &amp; Francesca Lo Schiavo (Hugo)
Best Achievement in Costume Design
Mark Bridges (The Artist)
Best Achievement in Makeup
Mark Coulier &amp; J. Roy Helland (The Iron Lady)
Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score
Ludovic Bource (The Artist)
Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song
Bret McKenzie (Man or Muppet from The Muppets)
Best Achievement in Sound Mixing
Tom Fleischman &amp; John Midgley (Hugo)
Best Achievement in Sound Editing
Phillip Stockton &amp; Eugene Gearty (Hugo)
Best Achievement in Visual Effects
Rob Legato, Joss Williams, Ben Grossman &amp; Alex Henning (Hugo)
Best Documentary Feature
Undefeated
Best Documentary Short
Saving Face
Best Short Film, Animated
The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore
Best Short Film, Live Action
The Shore
Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Awards
James Earl Jones, Dick Smith &amp; Oprah Winfrey

S9E3: Are you familiar with the Stages of Grief? There are five: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. The psychiatric theory seems surprisingly applicable to this season of Two and a Half Men.
Ashton Kutcher's Walden seems to, episode to episode, follow the pattern. Week one was denial, Walden unable to accept the ending of his relationship. Week two was anger, Walden driving like a madman and storming in to his ex Bridget's home. Now, theoretically, it's time for bargaining.
Once again, we'll be using our extremely scientific Charlie Sheen head points system to rate Ashton Kutcher's performance. Is he living up to expectations? is he helping win over audience members, dealing with their own Stages of Grief over Charlie Sheen's departure? Let's find out. Here's the breakdown:
One Charlie Sheen Head (1 - 10 Points): Ashton, you were in this episode.
Two Charlie Sheen Heads (11 - 20 Points): Ashton, you landed a few jokes, but we can't stop thinking about good ol' Charlie.
Three Charlie Sheen Heads (21 - 30 Points): Ashton, you earned tonight's laugh track. Solid.
Four Charlie Sheen Heads (31 - 40 Points): Ashton, we're impressed. You've surpassed Sheen-level kookiness.
Five Charlie Sheen Heads (41 - 50 Points): Ashton, you're scaring us with classic levels of comedy. Charlie who?
That's that, now on with the third round of the Ashton Kutcher Two and a Half Men scorecard!
"Big Girls Don't Throw Food"
1. "Nice kid...with the big head...?"
Points: 2
There's a side to Ashton's Walden Schmidt that I'm worried might become the norm: the flat, straight man. Before the first commercial break, Walden doesn't get a single moment to shine, instead using long-winded tech speak ("I'm building a neurometric back end for a social media site") as an alley-oop for Alan's incompetent one-liners. With a kind of chipper engagement, this could work...but as an opener, Ashton looks half asleep. Not until the main thrust of tonight's episode—Jake's moving back in!—does he wake up and remember that Alan even has a kid.
2. "Hey! Don't make hitting your deal."
Points: 3
We're not quite at Ashton's two and a half episode mark before he finally gets a solid scene with Angus T. Jones' Jake (but wouldn't that have been a nice meta moment?), but neither character really livens up the show with their comedic stylings. Jake admits he's terrible at school and Walden reveals that he was too. Whereas Jake's a nincompoop, Walden was just too smart for class—prompting Jake to believe that this might be his "deal" too. Walden instills some confidence in the 17-year-old, but not before taking some friendly punches to the arm.
Jake is Two and a Half Men's deadpan alternative, but for the last few episodes, that's been Walden. When you pair them up, you get a whole lot of nothing. I guess we needed to start a story arc somewhere.
3. "Should have asked the kid."
Points: 5
Now, Ashton doesn't need to be doing his crazy clown act every scene to elicit the laughs. After making dinner plans with his ex-wife Bridgett, Walden consults Alan for some tips on winning her back. Obvious mistake, but it does send Jon Cryer into an comfortably humorous spiel about women's feelings, luring back loved ones and locating the g-spot. It's tried and true Alan material, but the show lets Ashton have his fun, letting his discomfort read plainly on his face for our amusement.
I'm not sure how or why Walden can go from brainless manchild to classier-than-thou adult at the drop of the hat, but it makes him malleable and delivers the funny. I won't complain.
4. "Hot soup! Hot soup!"
Points: 7
Ah yes, here's why Bridget dumped this poor slob!
Walden makes the completely un-romantic decision to take his soul mate to a restaurant on par with Sizzler's (that's not a diss at Sizzler's—it just may not be the best place to win back your former loved ones) and, of course, he flounders. Let's take a moment to to bask in the combo of Ashton Kutcher and Judy Greer. Every moment these two are paired together is gold. Whether it's a tender moment (Walden: "You have feelings for me?" Bridget: "Yes, I still have feelings for you. We were married 15 years.") or one that's a bit more over-the-top (Walden spills hot soup on himself, Bridget watches, completely unsurprised), the duo works.
Unfortunately, who knows how much we'll see her—Walden ruins the date by starting a food fight with a pestering ten-year-old and it's clear the two won't be reuniting.
5. Rebounding
Points: 3
Ashton caps the night on another low point. When he returns (in tears) to his home, he finds Alan's ex-wife Judith. She comforts Walden in his fragile state, but as we've discovered with the self-made millionaire, he's rarely capable of warding off female company. The two hook up...and Jake catches it all on tape. Here's a guarantee this will resurface in future episodes.
The scene's funny enough, but again, Ashton's not bringing anything to the table with the overly emotional Walden. It's not funny that he can't find a way to reconnect with his soul mate. In fact, if there wasn't a laugh track, it would be really, really sad. A show like Louie can straddle the line, but with Two and a Half Men, I'm looking for the laughs.
Total Points: 20 - Two Charlie Sheen Heads!
After two unexpectedly solid episodes, Ashton-captained Two and a Half Men went a little sour. With multiple Walden's flying around (Is he super hyperactive? Is he flat and zoned out? Is he an expressive straight man?), you never know what to expect—but this outing hit more wrong notes than right.
But I still think there's hope. The show can find a groove with its new leading man, give him a consistency and regain its former glory. While we're still mourning the loss of Charlie Sheen, let's join Walden Schmidt as he inches closer to the final stage of grief: Acceptance. That give Ashton at least a fighting chance to win us over completely.

S9E1: I don't think anyone could have guessed that, after eight seasons and 177 episodes, Two and a Half Men would be conjuring up controversy, anticipation or excitement. Charlie Sheen's abrupt departure (and subsequent breakdown) was a pop culture nuclear bomb that would have slowly dissipated...had it not been for the high profile replacement search.
Show creator Chuck Lorre is a smart man. He kept the fire burning through his casting quest until he landed on an equally shocking, crazed and hilarious choice: Ashton Kutcher, the man with a zillion Twitter followers.
So after months of reboot momentum, tonight's the night. The big premiere. So the big question is: can Ashton Kutcher fill Charlie Harper's shoes? As a scholar of sitcom science, I'm going to tune in each week to chronicle Ashton's return to primetime, quantifying the stand-out moments in the show with a calculated points and ranking system. Here's the breakdown:
One Charlie Sheen Head (1 - 10 Points): Ashton, you were in this episode.
Two Charlie Sheen Heads (11 - 20 Points): Ashton, you landed a few jokes, but we can't stop thinking about good ol' Charlie.
Three Charlie Sheen Heads (21 - 30 Points): Ashton, you earned tonight's laugh track. Solid.
Four Charlie Sheen Heads (31 - 40 Points): Ashton, we're impressed. You've surpassed Sheen-level kookiness.
Five Charlie Sheen Heads (41 - 50 Points): Ashton, you're scaring us with classic levels of comedy. Charlie who?
That's that, now on with the first round of the Ashton Kutcher Two and a Half Men scorecard!
"Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt"
1. Walden appears in the window. Alan throws Charlie's ashes in the air.
Points: 7
At the beginning of the episode, Alan finds himself in a predicament: Charlie's dead and no one's around to pay for his house. Cut to a potential buyers montage— featuring random John Stamos and Dharma &amp; Greg (Jenna Elfman &amp; Thomas Gibson) cameos—which would have been an easy place to slip in Ashton's goofy Walden Schmidt intro. But no, we soon learn Walden's a thousand times creepier than that, appearing at Alan at the backdoor in the middle of the night, soaked after attempting suicide. Ashton plays his biggest card up front: the deer-in-headlights stare. But it's no Kelso—more like Robert De Niro in Cape Fear. Creepy...but funny.
2. "I'm Sorry I Made You Spill Him"
Points: 6
I was surprised to find that Walden Schmidt isn't the Ashton I know from Dude Where's My Car the back seat of the Punk'd van. Gone is the too-cool-for-school attitude, replaced with a manchild version of Jesse Eisenberg's Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network. Odd to say, but the show is evolving with Walden, putting Alan in the driver's seat while Ashton acts like a spaced out loon. After startling Alan, forcing him to comically spill Charlie's ashes across the house, Walden quietly sits down next to Jon Cryer's bumbling bachelor to comfort him with the above quote. If there wasn't a laugh track, Ashton's portrayal of Walden might be slightly more uncomfortable. Kind of like the real life Charlie Sheen, actually.
3. "You Bought a Zune?"
Points: 8
I'm always down for a good Zune joke, especially when it follows Jon Cryer saying the word "penis."
Ashton doesn't have much screentime in this episode (his first appearance is preceded by Charlie's funeral), but he still spins his shoehorned exposition with unexpected comic grace. It's apparent that Walden is modeled after every famous, introverted Silicon Valley-type—including an irrational snappiness. When the subject of the web master's $1.3 billion fortune comes up in conversation (over a few appletinis), Walden takes a jab at Alan for owning a Zune. Completely random, but it does liven the character up a bit, which means we probably won't be seeing mopey, disaffected Ashton for too long this season.
4. Wooing Women with Emotional Damage
Points: 5
Later in the lengthy bar scene, Alan and Walden cross paths with two, busty bar patrons (clearly out of Alan's range—Charlie's spirit obviously lives on). You might expect Ashton to lay it on thick here...but you'd only be half right. Somewhat in character, Walden breaks down in front of the women, admitting he's still in love with his wife Bridget. Apparently that's attractive, as the two women become enamored with him. It appeared Ashton was trying hard not to crack up mid-scene, but it didn't stop the moment from working. Really, Ashton Kutcher acting like a sad puppy is the whole reason you hire Ashton Kutcher in the first place. Why do you think he grew the beard?
5. Nude Descending a Staircase
Points: 3
In the span of one episode, we're treated to two Ashton Kutcher full-frontal shots. By the last scene, when the gangly, long-haired dude moseys down to the kitchen in his birthday suit (much to Berta's delight), we've seen enough of Kutcher's blurred-out, bare body. While Walden may turn out to be a funny, authentic stretch for the actor, it's bit like this that feel like the easy route. Walking around naked and looking adorable for laughs? That's the Ashton Kutcher I already know. Thankfully, there are signs that, down the line, we may get more of the one hinted at at the beginning of the episode.
Total Points: 29 - Three Charlie Sheen Heads!
A solid start for the Two and a Half Men reboot. It's definitely the humor we're already familiar with (two fart jokes, one self-pleasure joke and two threesome references), but Ashton adds enough of a twist to make it feel fresh.
Oh, did I forget to mention the .5 man Jake? He disappeared for this episode. Make room for Ashton—he's back!