When I am asked about practical tips to help children who have experienced trauma, one of the most important things I can suggest is this: Shape a child’s identity with the Word of God.

Brokenhearted children often feel self-conscious about their circumstances—not having a mom or dad, or being abused, neglected, in foster care—whatever the situation may be. They feel weird around their friends at school. They feel different. They will easily notice what other kids have that they do not.

Their identities will change. In some way, they will label themselves as …

Different

Motherless

Fatherless

Unlovable

Unnoticed

Stupid

In Scripture Naomi, whose name means pleasant, suffers the loss of her husband and her two sons. She is left widowed and childless in a foreign land, and soon declares that she wants her name changed to Mara, meaning bitter.

Hi, my name is Bitter.

But this is not how our God operates.

Our God is the "God, who gives life to the dead and calls those things which do not exist as though they did." (Romans 4:17)

God calls things that are not as though they were. This is evident all over Scripture. Early in Israel's history, God renames Abram, who is childless with Sarai, Abraham, Father of Nations. Likewise, Sarai He renames Sarah, Princess of the Multitude.[1] This happened before Isaac is born—even before Sarah has conceived.

Our identities come not from what happens to us, but from what God declares about us.

So we are Blessed, Favored, Loved, His own. (Psalm 5:12, John 3:16, Psalm 100: 3)

We are God’s treasure. (Exodus 19:5)

His work of art. (Ephesians 2:10)

The apple of His eye. (Zechariah 2:8)

His Beloved. (Song of Solomon 6:3)

Identities shape destinies. And this is why we cannot allow children's identities to come from the negative, traumatic, or horrific things that happen to them. Their future rides on knowing God's truth, His precious Word, which is able to transform them.

All of us need to have our identities shaped by knowing what God says about who we are.

Open the Word of God and allow it to help you shape a child's identity. Speak God's truth over brokenhearted children. Speak God's declaration of their true identity, and the hope of their future. Wait for faith and expectancy to rise. Then watch as their identities and their destinies are reborn.

Grieving kids often feel alone. They think no one understands what they are going through, including GOD. There is tape that runs over and over in a grieving child’s heart that says, God doesn’t love me, God isn’t nice, God doesn’t care, my life is ruined. I’ll never be happy.

Let’s interrupt those lies with the truth of God’s word.

The Bible explains the importance of God’s words being passed on to children, from one generation of children to the next generation of children. In Psalm 78, the reason given for God’s words to be passed on to children is so that the children “may set their hope in God, and not forget the works of God.”

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 reads, “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way when you lie down, and when you rise up.”

There should be a continuous overflow of God’s Words on our mouths, speaking them over our children, and helping them to hide these truths in their heart. Children CAN memorize Scripture. And the best way for them to memorize is in interaction with an adult.

In Luke 8, the parable of the sower teaches us the importance of getting the Word into the heart. The seed is the Word of God. It’s sown in the heart. And those who keep it (in Greek, kat-ekh-o, meaning to keep in memory, hold fast to, seize, retain it) will “bear fruit with patience.” (Luke 8:15)

Guest post by Kristina Fucci

In a perfect world, childhood is a time of joyful innocence, brimming with activity, warmth from your family, and wonder at all you’re learning and experiencing. Yes, my childhood included many of these things: a loving family, fun activities, sports, arts, crafts, vacations, church, school, friends, birthday parties, girl scouts, daddy-daughter-dances, mother-daughter teas.

But when my mom died, my world was shattered. It no longer mattered to me how good my life had been, or what I had learned at Vacation Bible School. I knew the “truth.” My experience taught me God did not love me. The loss I felt screamed in my ear that God was not good. And the pain I carried told me things would never, ever be good again.

I tried so hard to reconcile a good and loving God with the death of my mom. Deep down to my core I wanted to believe that God was real and loving. That my mom was in heaven, and not buried in the ground. I wanted to believe more than anything, but it felt as if there were a gulf separating me from God. A gulf of pain. Disappointment.

I turned inward with my feelings. Everyone was falling apart around me, so I resolved that no one would see me cry. If everything else shattered around me, I would remain stable. Steady. Only I wasn’t. My anger was so overwhelming, I could not manage it. I was mad at everyone. God. Why did He allow this to happen? My family. Why wasn’t I told more about what was happening around me? My friends. Why do they all have whole families when mine was torn apart? Didn’t they know how lucky they were to still have a mom?

I began doing the things my mom used to do – making sure my brother and sister were okay. That they had eaten dinner, done their homework. I did laundry. I cleaned. I did all I could to maintain order amidst the chaos churning all around me, and within my own soul. I grew more and more bitter. What ten-year-old has to endure these things? Why is my life so hard compared to those around me? Why did this have to happen to me? Will things ever get better? Is the rest of my life going to feel like this? Will I ever feel joy again?

In the months after my mom’s death, I decided that either God wasn’t real—or He wasn’t good. Since I prayed for my mom to live, and she died, these seemed the only possible conclusions. Either way, I wanted to know. I wanted to know more about this God I didn’t even believe in. Months turned to years as I sat in this place of anger, pain, and brokenness.

And then something unexpected happened.

Without my praying, without my asking, without my even dreaming it could be so, God blessed me with another amazing mother. A mother who sat with me for hours to talk about the loss I had experienced. A mother who would allow me to ask any question about God I wanted—or needed—to ask. A mother who took me to church, but let me make my faith my own. A mother who cooked for me. Cared for me. A mother who loved me unconditionally, as I had been loved before. Without my even asking, God redeemed. Without even knowing it could be so, He restored to me what I had lost.

As I processed my grief with my new mom, I began to grow in a true knowledge of who God was. One summer my life-long best friend invited me to a church camp. Sitting in the crowded chapel, I listened stunned as the speaker walked us vividly through Jesus’ crucifixion. I had no idea that Jesus had suffered like this. The truth rang loud and clear in my heart: Jesus was familiar with suffering. The man continued, “It does not matter what has happened to you, God was with you. He wept when you wept.” This time, my faulty paradigm shattered. God wasn’t distant. He wasn’t bad. He didn’t hate me. He was intimately aware of my suffering. He wept, too, in fact. When I would scream into my pillow at night, when the tears wouldn’t stop flowing, when the hole in my heart threatened to undo me, Jesus was with me. He cared. He loved me. He had, in fact, never left my side.

Being reassured of God’s goodness, His mercy, His love—it changed my life. His gracious provision, His restoring what I lost, His mending my broken heart, these are all evidences that He is who He says He is. That He can do what He says He can do. He’s so much greater than our minds allow. He’s so much deeper, and purer, and richer than our mouths can articulate. He loves in such a way that no other love can come close. He blesses more richly than we can ask. He’s a restorer of the broken. He loves you.

My new mom is like one of those stones the Israelites took up as they crossed the Jordan River; a symbol of God’s goodness. His faithfulness. His provision. His abundant, redeeming love. I can look back on my past and, instead of seeing a shattered life, a broken heart, I see the hand of a loving Father—restoring, redeeming, and healing.

An essential part of living in God’s presence, and knowing His love in an increasingly deeper way, is committing His Word to memory.

Scripture is ablaze with the passion of God for us. We need to consume the Words He has spoken, thinking on them often, repeating them to ourselves over and over, until they are etched into our hearts, until we can hear His divine voice in our minds.

We do not use the word consume lightly. Consider this: The first glimpse the world has of the Word of God becoming flesh is Jesus Christ, the Lord, placed in a manger, a stone feeding trough. (John 1:14, Luke 2:12)

It’s not a coincidence that there was no room for Him in the inn.

This is our Father’s narrative. He tells us plainly that the baby lying in a feeding trough is a semeion(say-mi-on), an indication or a supernatural sign.[1]The sign is a visual picture of what Jesus is for us. God’s fullest expression of love is the spiritual food that gives us life. We need it more than bread, more than water.

"And Jesus said to them, 'I am the bread of life. He who comes to Me shall never hunger, and he who believes in Me shall never thirst.'" John 6:35

“It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.’” Matthew 4:4

When we meditate on Scripture, we make a home for the Word to live in us. Here are some of the results:

We are set free – literally in the Greek, liberated from slavery[2]. (John 8:32)

After rebelling, Adam and Eve looked down at themselves and away from God. They become spiritually blind to the love of God they once enjoyed. But as we learn in Scripture, God is continually directing our eyes back upwards towards Him. His love has never wavered. His plans for us are secure. When we focus our eyes not on ourselves, but on Him, our perceptions are transformed and so are our lives.

Early childhood years are formative in shaping a child’s perception of God. This perception will, in turn, determine a child’s intimacy with Him. When tragedy strikes, young children feel confused, hopeless, and angry. They question God’s worth, as well as their own. Their experience will often lead them to false conclusions about both. That is why it is never more important, than in the wake of death and loss, that a child is taught about the goodness of God. And it is never more important to reinforce these biblical truths: God is good. God is with you. God loves you. God has eternally good plans for your life.

As an organization dedicated to bringing the hope of the Gospel to grieving children, we want kids to be certain of God’s love for them, and certain of the eternally good plans He has for them. We want grieving children to be so impacted with the knowledge of who God is, and what He has said in His Word, that they will live powerful, faith-filled lives in close relationship with Him.

Here’s the FINAL stop in our list of local and affordable family-friendly places to visit before summer officially comes to an end!

Spend an Evening at the Fullerton Farmers Market - The Fullerton Farmer’s Market, located in the heart of downtown Fullerton, features locally grown produce, live music, food vendors, artisan products, kid-friendly activities at the “Kids' Korner,” and more. The market runs seasonally (Spring to Fall), and takes place Thursday evenings from 4:00 - 8:30 p.m. Located on Wilshire Avenue in the Downtown Plaza. 📷 credit: Cory Irwin

Visit The Children's Museum at La Habra - This museum is just a short drive from Fullerton and offers a number of exhibits, including a historic 1942 railroad car, family art center, and dinosaur garden. Check on the museum website (lhcm.org) for current exhibits, museum hours, and a list of free entry dates. On all other days, entry is $8 per person, and children 2 and under are free. Located at 301 South Euclid Street in La Habra. The museum, currently completing it’s annual renovations, opens up again in a few weeks.

This is the third stop in our list of local and affordable family-friendly places to visit before summer officially comes to an end!

Picnic at Craig Park - Pack a picnic lunch and spend a day with the family at Craig Park. The 124-acre park has walking trails, creeks, a lake, tot lots, and plenty of area to run around and play. Throw a frisbee, read a book, jump rope, color, go for a walk, play catch, and spend time together! Cost for vehicle entry inside the park is $3 during the week, and $5 on the weekend. Located at 3300 State College Boulevard in Fullerton.

Here’s the second stop in our list of local and affordable family-friendly places to visit before summer officially comes to an end!

Family Bike Ride at Laguna Lake - Take a family bike ride (or walk) around Laguna Lake. In addition to walking and biking trails, the lake offers a large picnic bench area. Located at 3120 Lakeview Drive in Fullerton.

Here’s the first stop in our list of local and affordable family-friendly places to visit before summer officially comes to an end!

Family Trip to the Fullerton Arboretum - The arboretum has a number of things to see, including a children’s garden, exhibits, and a nature center. Admission is free (with a $5.00 suggested donation), and the gardens are open 8:00 am - 4:30 pm daily. Located at 1900 Associated Road in Fullerton.

One out of seven children will lose a parent or sibling before the age of 20.[1]

Losing a loved one, at any age, is devastating. But for a child, it can lead to fears, insecurities, bitterness, rage, isolationism, delinquency, and estrangement from God – scars that can last a lifetime.

It is crucial for kids to feel God’s love and comfort in the midst of their pain, and to know that Jesus is real, He does love them, and He is kind. This is the purpose and message of my new picture book, Emily Lost Someone She Loved.

I am the mother of three children whose birth mother died of cancer when they were young. When I met them, they were ages twelve, ten, and eight, all grieving in very different ways. I have seen first hand the pain and confusion that accompanies childhood loss. This book communicates those real emotions. With tender illustrations and prayerfully selected text,Emily Lost Someone She Loved leads children back into a realization of the true heart of God for them. It’s a book that can be read over and over again, restoring faith in God, and hope for the future.

Writing this book was a redemptive process for me. It’s the book I wish had been available to me when I was trying to raise three grieving children. I was unequipped, overwhelmed, and often frustrated. I didn’t recognize, at the time, what my children needed most from me. I hope you will see in Emily Lost Someone She Loveda life-giving way forward for families in the midst of devastating loss.

I pray that as you read any of the books in my Hope for Kids in Crisis series, you are stirred with a deeper revelation of God’s redemptive and healing love.

We are celebrating! It has been ONE YEARsince Emily Lost Someone She Loved was released and we are continually amazed at all God has done. One of the biggest blessings has been receiving testimonies of the way God is using the book to minister to grieving children.

She was very close to her father (as most daughters in India tend to be) and to lose him without warning was a great and terrible shock ... The three of us sat on a bench outside and softly I read the book to her, watching anxiously to see how she might react. Though the life experiences for a young girl like "Emily" are quite a world apart from those of this girl, the turn of the story to Emily's loss was not. There were some tears by all of us, and we ended the evening affirming her pain, reminding her that she was loved and then gave the book to her to keep as her special book. The book is a wonderful blessing.

Our continued prayer is that these books will be used by God to comfort kids, strengthen their faith, and give them assurance that theirs is a Father who heals broken hearts and binds up wounds (Psalm 147:3).

A BIG thank you to KidzMatter and Children's Ministry Magazine for including Emily Lost Someone She Loved in recent issues! Our prayer is that this book gets into the hands of the children who need it most.

To see the full reviews, check out KidzMatter's March/April issue (page 104) and Children's Ministry Magazine's May/June issue (page 46)!

8 Practical ways to help kids who have lost a loved one

Tell your kids Bible stories about people who either lost loved ones or were trapped in very difficult circumstances. Show them how God healed and delivered them. Build their faith!

2. Talk About Death:

Death is God's enemy. (1 Corinthians 15:26) Grieving kids need to know that. Teach them about how death originated so they don’t think it was their fault that someone they loved died. Then tell them about the resurrection!

3. Pray:

Teach children how to pray and, if old enough, how to journal their prayers. A child may resist the idea of praying because he/she is mad at God. Don’t let that discourage you. Pray and speak blessings over your child and allow them to be silent. Ultimately kids will sense the peace and comfort of God as you pray, and their hope in Him will return.

4. Praise:

Cultivate a lifestyle of praise and thanksgiving by practicing this with your kids. Start by playing worship music at home. Season your speech with thanksgiving and children will begin to do the same.

5. Affirm:

Affirm grieving children by recognizing their special talents and giftings. They need to know they are valuable. They need to know they have an important future.

6. Engage:

When a child’s parent or sibling dies, there is often an uncomfortable silence in the home. Feelings are not expressed. Healing happens as the surviving parent(s) re-engage in the spiritual development of the child. Grieving kids need you to break the ice so that they are not left wondering what your silence might mean. Kids can carry around tremendous guilt and self-hate unless you re-engage with them, console them, and walk through your mutual sorrow together. “God loves you. I love you.” These are critically important words for a grieving child to hear from you.

7. Memorize Scripture:

Memorize Scripture with grieving kids. The Word of God, planted in their hearts, will bear good fruit! (Mark 4:14-20)

8. Talk about Heaven:

Teach on heaven. Be specific. There is wonderful detail in the Bible about our glorious, eternal future. “And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” - Revelation 21: 4

Be prepared to answer the hard questions, even if they are never asked

Grieving children have many questions. Their souls are swarming with unrest. Inside they may be screaming Where is God? Why has this happened to me? And because of their experiences, they will often conclude:

God isn’t real . . .

God doesn’t love me . . .

God isn’t kind.

These children want answers to some pretty sophisticated questions. Mine did.

Why do people die?

What will we do in heaven?

Does God answer prayers?

Be prepared. Be specific. Let the Word of God, and the love of God, inform every answer you give.

Here’s my heartfelt encouragement: Read the Word. Pray. Ask God for wisdom. Do not allow yourself to avoid discussing the very questions that, if left unanswered, may lead a child into rebellion, depression, self-hate, or unbelief. Press in. The maturity of our faith and hope in Jesus will help navigate grieving kids through their dark valley. Count on it!

You may not be able to answer every question. Ultimately behind all of a grieving child’s questions, though, is a deep need to be reassured of God’s goodness. We have the love of Jesus, living inside of us, to give them that assurance. We can all testify of the extraordinary ways God has been good to us, especially when we’ve faced difficulties. And we have the Bible that gives us example after example of the ways God has cared for individuals facing terrible challenges, saving them out of distress. The revelation of God’s goodness produces faith and hope for the future.

A sorrowful child may not even be old enough to articulate the questions, doubts, and fears she has. Someone has to anticipate and answer even the unasked questions with the hope and comfort of God’s Word. I have found even the most fearful and dejected children will respond to God’s words of adoration for them, when spoken again and again.

The emotions and behaviors that come with childhood grief are raw and rough. The challenge of ministering to a grieving child is, in many ways, a challenge to our faith and maturity in Christ. What will you do when you are called on to minister to one of these little ones? Your first thought might be Ugh. Mine was.But I hope your next thought, and every one thereafter, will be . . .

Jesus, You promise to heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds. You will comfort and console all who mourn. You give beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. Secure these little ones in Your goodness and love. Make them strong oaks, for Your glory’s sake. Here I am Lord. Use me.

Ultimately behind all of a grieving child’s questions, though, is a deep need to be reassured of God’s goodness.

There are several ways to minister to a grieving child. Plenty of literature has already been written on the subject. But most of it is secular in its approach. As ambassadors of Christ, equipped with the Word of God, we bring something entirely new and life-giving to kids facing tragedy. Psychological approaches address the subject of loss by examining the thoughts, feelings, and stages of grief. In my experience, it is not as important for children to understand their grief as it is for them to know their Healer. The focus of all our lives, even when facing death, should be less inward and more upward.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Ps 147:3

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, . . . to comfort all who mourn . . . Is 61:1,2

Make Jesus Known

In fifth grade our oldest daughter was placed in a grief group at her public school. The school counselor was trying to facilitate some discussion by pointing out the kids’ body language and what it said about how they were feeling. Our daughter looked at him with fury and said, “Did your mom die?” When he replied, “No” she said, “Then you don’t know anything about how I’m feeling.” Needless to say, she was voluntarily dismissed from the group.

Grieving kids often feel alone. They think no one understands what they are going through. This gets magnified in their thoughts and sometimes manifests itself in a tornado of angry outbursts, tantrums, obstinacy, and other tempestuous behaviors. It was a few years after her encounter with the school counselor that our daughter heard a sermon about how God, Himself, had lost someone He loved. Jesus.His Son. She finally realized God was the One who knew exactly how she felt. Her heart softened. She decided she could believe in Him again.

This is so important. You may never know what it feels like to be the bereaved child. But that doesn’t mean you can’t minister to one. You know Our Savior Jesus. You know He died for us. You know Him through Scripture, and prayer, and worship, and time spent with Him. Your faith in the goodness of God matters to these kids. You can point them to the One you know, who sympathizes with all our weaknesses, who never leaves us or forsakes us, who knows exactly what we are going through, and promises to strengthen us and help us.

What ultimately leads children back, from despair into faith and life, is knowing God is good, He loves them, He is with them, and He has eternally good plans for them. So reveal Jesus to bereaved kids. Reveal His true heart of love for them.

I met my husband on a blind date. Sounds ordinary enough. But it wasn’t. Our mutual friend called me one day and said, “Sit down. I want you to meet someone. He’s a widower with three kids.” Ugh. And then he proceeded to tell me some of the awful details. Cancer. A four-year, hard-fought battle. Three beautiful kids and this strong man of great character left behind. I couldn’t comprehend a person my own age having gone through such a trauma. And what about the kids?

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And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.