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Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Married in the Peace Corps

(or “Marry young and travel wide”)

When Dan and I got engaged, I was still in college.

Most of our friends viewed our engagement as somewhat of an
oddity. They humored us—helping us
prepare and make favors and select songs for the reception—but I don’t think
that they ever really understood us. Not entirely.

Nowadays, it’s kind of weird
to get married young. It is, though,
isn’t it?

Even now, when Dan and I meet someone new, there is always an awkward
pause in the conversation as the other person tactfully tries to understand our
situation.

“So you’re married?” They’ll
ask.

“Yes,” I’ll say.

“When did you get married?”

“Oh… almost three years ago, actually.”
I’ll look at Dan to confirm that this approximation is accurate. “Yeah, almost three years. Wow.”

“But… “ (and here’s where their confusion sets in) “How old are you now?”

“I’m 25,” I’ll say.

“So you got married when you were… 22?”

“Yup.”

“Are you… religious?”

“Nope.”

“Oh.” The other person will then
nod politely. They’ll consider probing
further, but then will decide against it.
The mild confusion just sits there, hanging in the air like an
unanswered question.

As acquaintances blossom into friendships, people come to accept the
fact that we are married. The question
fades into the background. Dan and I
become Lisa-and-Dan, the married couple.

But why would somebody get
married right out of college? Why would
a non-religious (and non-pregnant) couple tie the knot at the age of 22? What possible reason could there be for not
waiting a couple of extra years? Why would
someone make such a rash and final decision at such a tender and impressionable
age?

I love Dan, and I loved him in college.
We were a good fit for one another.
Part of it was a natural fit, and part of it was a product of coming and
growing together. When I joined the
caving club at Penn State, he was the only one of my friends who was willing to
try it. From caving, we branched out
into biking and hiking and camping and traveling. We made plans together, and we unearthed
common goals. Both of us were interested
in living abroad, and we both wanted to learn another language. We both wanted to have children and, coming
from divorced families ourselves, were staunchly opposed to getting
divorced.

Rather than being exactly the same, Dan and I were complements. I had big plans and hundreds of changing,
half-finished visions. Dan had the
ability to agree to one thing at a time and see it all the way through. I was good at being cheap, while Dan was good
at banking. I was a hermit and Dan was
social. I was learning how to cook, and
Dan was a cheerful and tireless dinner companion. These things sound small and meaningless, but
they added up to something important.
They created a balance.

Dan finished school in 2009, and asked me to marry him. He was, at that point, about to start his
Master’s Degree at Penn State. I was 6
months shy of graduating myself, and already starting to search for my first
post-college real job. At that point, we both knew that we weren’t
going to stay in State College forever. If
we chose to move away and stay together, we both wanted to be married. To us, that was what felt correct. And so, we got married.

That was about three years ago.

Since then, we joined the Peace Corps.

It’s a bit of a challenge to join the Peace Corps, actually. The application process is long and winding
and the medical procedures are endless.
You have to be poked and prodded and vaccinated repeatedly, and then
charted and tick-ed and check-ed. You go
through several rounds of interviews all while maintaining a constant,
heightened state of anxiety and uncertainty about the future. Worst of all, you wait. While your parents ask
you (repeatedly) if you’re sure about this and your friends settle into real
jobs, you are left waiting for an answer.
Where will you be going? What
will you be doing?

If that’s not bad enough, the application process takes much longer for
prospective married volunteers. Dan and
I waited for more than a year and a half.
Much of the difficulty was the challenge of finding a country that was
searching for both of our skill sets—math and (of all things) forestry. In the end, I was recruited to teach
English. We arrived in Mozambique in
September 2011.

We’ve been here now for more than twenty months, and I can tell you
first-hand that the Peace Corps experience is hard. It’s lonesome and it’s
challenging. It’s an exercise in
patience. But I am thankful every day that I chose to do it, and that
I came here with my husband.

So what are the benefits of being married in the Peace Corps?

1. Support. As a married volunteer, I have a really
unfair advantage. I brought my best
friend with me. That means that I always
have someone to listen to my stories, laugh at my more amusing failures, and
provide positive feedback and support.
The hard times just aren’t as hard when there’s someone there to
help.

2. An Opposite Point of View. I can’t tell you the number of times that
I’ve sat down and said, “That’s it. I quit.”
It’s easy to get mad and make a rash decision. But having another rational human on hand
helps to minimize damage and provide reasonable alternatives and suggestions.

3. Health and Safety. If I
get sick or injured, I know that I can count on Dan to run and call for help. I also, honestly, just feel safer with Dan
around. I never get sexually harassed
and everybody in Zobue is well-aware of the fact that I am married and live
with a man.

4. Memories. The memory of our Peace Corps experience is
something that Dan and I share together.
The people that we’ve met and the places that we’ve been are ours to share, not just mine. We also share a secret language (with about
220 million other people).

5. …Other reasons. You know.
Nobody wants to be lonely.

It’s been said that if a marriage can survive for two years in the
Peace Corps, than it can survive anything.
And I bet that there’s some truth to that.

I’m glad that Dan and I chose to marry young. For us, it was the right decision. We’re 25 years old, but have already lived
abroad and traveled extensively. We
still have time to start a family, but without sacrificing adventure in our
early married years.

So why get married right out of college? Why make such a rash and final decision at
such a young and tender age?

7 comments:

I'm right there with you. I got married at 21, and graduated a few months later while my husband was just starting school. People think we're crazy, but if you find the person that you want to be with, why wouldn't you want to get married so you can experience everything with them. I loved being married in the Peace Corps. I would have been SO lonely if I did it on my own. Way better than a site mate ;) It was nuts that we were only 24 when we joined and we had been married the longest of any of the other 3 couples, all who were older than us.

I absolutely love your blog and this post made me smile! :) Im no where near married, Im 24, but i plan to go to the peace corps in 2 years or so once out of grad school. Im in the middle of the application process but now have to get it deactivated... my dream would be to get married and experience the amazing adventure the PC has to offer with my husband... but I think thats an impossibility and Im afraid of postponing the PC just with the hopes that I'll get married AND that my husband will want to do the Peace corps with me. I guess only time will tell what happens, but either way eventually Ill have them both, maybe not simultaneously... but it will all work out in the end. Im so happy for you and Dan<3 and I hope one day I will get to experience what you two have.

Haha, now I feel slightly guilty! I should clarify that Peace Corps is AMAZING, both for married couples and single girls alike. Plus, you never know. The husband of the couple that we replaced was actually serving for the second time. The first time he served alone in Honduras, and the second time he served as part of a married couple in Mozambique. Crazy, right? What an experience!

Hey, i just randomly stumbled onto your blog and it is so interesting! I am a volunteer in Bulgaria teaching English and German (through a European governmental volunteering organisation type thingy) but i know lots of Peace Corps people here. Keep up the blogging, i will keep reading :)Greetings from Bulgaria

I am 19, finishing my first of 3 college years at NC State, am irretrievably in love with my soon to be fiance who is almost 21 and finishing her degree. We plan to get married at 20 and 22 and we definitely agree, "who wouldn't" when you have found that one person? I found this blog post when I was searching for what it was like to be married in the peace corps and this was incredibly helpful. We are hoping to go overseas to Korea for a year or so to teach and then to leave for the peace corps then. Do you have any tips as it relates to the application process or words of wisdom for being a young couple abroad?

Welcome!

Bem-Vindo a Mozambique!

My name is Lisa Spencer. I am a 25-year-old Peace Corps Volunteer living in Portuguese-speaking Mozambique. My husband and I teach eighth-grade English and math, in addition to community computer classes. We live in a little yellow house surrounded by thirty neighbors, fifty chickens, twenty dogs, and a few pigs. We have a puppy named Bwino.

Welcome to a world of bucket baths, outdoor markets, and gaping pit latrines.