A place where first/birth/natural/real mothers share news and opinions. And vent.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

A son refuses to meet his birth/first mother

Colin Kaepernick

While parents all over the country felt a special urgency to hug their children after the horror of Newtown, there's one group of parents who can't--those who lost their children to adoption.

Heidi Russo is one of them. Six weeks after her son was born in 1987, she handed him over to a social worker who gave him to Rick and Teresa Kaepernick. Russo's son, Colin Kaepernick, is the starting quarter back of the San Francisco 49ers, and has led them in the NFL playoffs. Kaepernick has rebuffed Russo's attempts to meet him.

Heidi Russo, still in the shadows

Russo was 19, single and living in Milwaukee when her son was born. She had decided to keep her child until a family friend who worked for Lutheran Social Services introduced her to the Kaepernicks. "'They were such giving, wonderful people from the moment I met them,'' she told Jason Cole of Yahoo! Sports. Because Wisconsin law required a six-week wait before a child can be adopted, Russo had kept her son with her so he would not have to go to foster care. Like us, Russo suffered profound pain at losing her son. When Russo visited her father who lived in Fond du Lac where the Kaepernicks lived at first, "she'd find herself looking for the Kaepernicks, hoping to see Colin.'"

The Kaepernicks sent letters and pictures for the first six or seven years. "'I would find myself waiting and waiting for the letters and the pictures, so much so that I wasn't moving on with my life,' Russo said. 'I was depressed and anxious.' ...There were 'many times' that she wanted to go get Colin back from the Kaepernicks.'" When he was four, the family moved to California. He was a star football player in high school, and later at the University of Nevada.

FOUND HER SON ON MYSPACE
Russo is now a registered nurse living in the suburbs of Denver. Several years ago she found her son on MySpace and wrote to him. It took six weeks to hear back from him. "'He had questions about his father and I tried to get answers for him.,' Russo said. Since then he has exchanged a few messages with her but most of her tweets--in response to his general comments about, say, his body fat level--have gone unanswered. She saw him for the first time in 2010 when the University of Nevada played Colorado State and watched him play. "'I kept looking at him, thinking our eyes might meet. ...I kept thinking it happened, but he never came to see me after the game.'" On August 26 of this year, she attended the 49ers' preseason game at Denver and reunited with the Kaepernicks but did not meet Colin. "'You couldn't ask for better people than Rick and Teresa, how they have loved him and taken care of him.'"

Jane

The Kaepernicks say they are supportive of whatever Colin wants to do, but they and Colin "have always been uncomfortable with the term 'adoptive' parents." Virgil Green, Kaepernick's teammate and roommate at Nevada said "'I think he would view it as almost treasonable to them to meet his biological mother or father. They did such a great job giving him everything he needed to be successful in life.'"

"'I know I couldn't have given Colin everything he needed growing up,' Russo said 'But I ask myself a lot of the time, 'Would loving him have been enough?'" The short answer is most likely "yes." The NFL, the NBA, MLB, the Olympic team, many other sports leagues are full of great athletes raised by single mothers. Clearly, Kaepernick inherited his strength and athletic ability from his biological parents--Russo is six feet tall and played volleyball, basketball, and track in high school. She's smart and attractive. A solid citizen and a loving mother to an eight-year-old son, Kaepernick's half brother.

Though she so much wants to meet him, Russo said she’d understand if he never does. “'Yes, there’s always that, but I just stay positive for him,'” Russo
told NBC Sports. “'That’s what is important. That’s what you’re supposed to do as a
parent.'” We can understand that meeting your first mother with all these other people around, after a NFL football game, is far from ideal--in fact, it sounds ridiculous--but it would not have come to this had he not been refusing to meet her. Going to a game and hoping to meet him there is the move of a desperate first mother.

LOST CHILDREN REFUSE TO MEET FIRST MOTHERS
We at FMF have know many other incredibly fine mothers whose lost children refuse to meet them. When a Portland mother whose 54-year-old daughter is a successful musician wrote to her
daughter after finding her ten years ago, the mother received a letter from the Tennessse Department of Health and Human services, which archived all adoption records, threatening her with legal action if she attempted to contact her daughter again. The mother waited several years and wrote her daughter again, this time receiving no response. The mother is a
talented musician in her own right and raised a son who is also a successful
musician. This mother went to the theater in Chicago where her daughter
performs. It was an unreal experience; the similarity of their appearance and
the way they played the piano was uncanny. The mother gave a note to an usher to
give her daughter, asking for a meeting, but received no response. Maybe the daughter never received the note; but maybe she did.

The daughter of a friend of Jane's refused contact until the daughter had medical problems. When the daughter wanted to know if heredity played a role in her fertility problems, she contacted the mother for the information through the adoption agency. She wanted her address kept secret. Jane's friend volunteered all her medical history, and passed on the address of her biological father, and also let him know about the daughter's inquiries. He then wrote the daughter through the adoption agency. The daughter then wrote her mother--through the agency--cutting off all contact because of the "transgression" of contacting the father.

While the daughter had her first mother's address--which was included when she wrote her daughter through the agency--the mother could not possibly give the birth father any contact information, because all of the parents' contact was through the agency. And yet the daughter was furious? Enough to cut off all contact? What, exactly was she furious about? Her birth parents had no way to contact her, since communication had been done through the agency. This behavior strikes us as the epitome of irrational, but adoptees say we cannot understand their turmoil. This we believe. They cannot understand the grief of first mothers when they refuse contact.

After birth mother Jane Guttman's son refused contact, she poured out her grief in a moving memoir, The Gift Wrapped in Sorrow. Sheila Ganz whose daughter rejected her for many years, buried herself in artwork and produced a film about adoption loss, Unlocking the Heart of Adoption. After many years, the daughter finally agreed to meet Sheila.

FEAR OF 'BETRAYING' ADOPTIVE PARENTS
Why adult children refuse to meet their original parents? In some cases, adoptees have legitimate reasons; their mothers are mentally ill, or are addicts of one sort or another. Some adopted individuals refuse contact because their natural parents ask for money.

Lorraine

But in many cases, fear of betraying their adoptive parents is the major reason, as may be the case for Kaepernick. Somehow the message has been conveyed to Kaepernick that even meeting one's biological mother is an act of treason, and violates the unspoken contract between adoptive parent and adoptive child, no matter the age. It may not have even been the parents, in this case, the Kaepernicks, who instilled this message, but the arrangement itself--I am the (only) parent, you are the (my) child, that other person (your natural mother) is gone--may implant a sense that the child, even as an adult, must not make any move to the natural parents without mortally wounding this arrangement. Lorraine so well remembers her daughter, Jane, after a day of sight-seeing and shopping and closeness, suddenly turning sullen and non-responsive, acting as if she was having a terrible time. Later she would tell Lorraine that she suddenly did feel guilty; this day felt too good, her feelings had to be disloyal to her adoptive parents.

Lorraine has an acquaintance who is an adoptive mother, who has told Lorraine that she has asked her daughter if she would like to find her birth mother, but the daughter says she is not interested. This adoptive mother, however, is the same woman who, days after the suicide of Lorraine's daughter, interrupted a conversation when a friend of Lorraine's--who knew her daughter--referred to the woman as "Lorraine's daughter." The other woman could not help herself, she had to correct the language: Lorraine's daughter was not her "daughter," she was her "birth daughter." If it is necessary to correct that language in such a situation, one can only imagine the meta messages her ADOPTED daughter has been receiving all her life. It is no surprise that the woman told her adoptive mother she is "not interested" in finding her "birth" mother. Lorraine has never been able to find the will to ask this woman--the adoptive mother--how her "adopted daughter" is doing these days, but she thinks it plenty when they are thrown together.

THREAT OF POLICE INVOLVEMENT
One first mother wrote to Lorraine years ago saying that after she wrote to her grown daughter, she received a letter saying never to contact her again, that she would get the police involved if she did, and that she even dreaded her birthdays because her first mother might send her a card. Lorraine read the letter, and knows it was cruel to the core. The woman had never met her daughter or been a pest, as the letter indicated, she only wanted to meet her daughter. Lorraine counseled her that there was nothing she could do. Any relationship--or meeting--was up to the daughter. Fast forward a decade. Lorraine heard from mother a year ago, and mother and daughter have a warm relationship, all that the mother could desire. Once the adoptive parents were out of the picture, her daughter contacted her, and said that her adoptive parents had pushed her to write that letter, and refuse any meeting.

We know of many cases were after reunion that seems to go well, the adopted individual does not want a relationship, and to our mind, invents or exaggerates an incident, an offhand word, and turns that into a reason for no contact. We understand that the emotions triggered by a relationship may be more overwhelming, for we know many mothers do the same thing. We know that many first mothers and individuals who were adopted choose not to search. We are not writing about that here today.

We are talking about the total refusal, such as that of quarterback Colin Kaepernick, to even meet one's birth mother once. Perhaps he feels that in the middle of a football season, he can not handle the emotions that he knows will be unleashed. But perhaps what his teammate suggested: his adoptive parents will see it as an act of treason. That may or may not be the case--they met with his first mother--and that is a good sign. The blame lies, it would seem, not with them, but with the culture itself that has so inculcated the concept of adoption as an erasure of one's origins, and thus a reason to sever all ties with one's natural parents. It is the adoption culture of the past, it is the adoption culture of the present. And it is wrong, a base lie at its core.

EXPRESS TRUE FEELINGS AFTER MEETING FIRST MOTHER
In actuality, many adoptees report that meeting their first parents improves their relationship with their adoptive parents, perhaps because it allows them to express their true feelings. Others say they are willing to meet their first parents only after their adoptive parents die. And many others--every searcher is aware of this--do not look for their birth parents until their adoptive parents die. It happens so often, and it is so sad for everyone involved.

Perhaps Kaepernick was aware not until the news articles came out of the grief his mother has suffered from losing him; first mother pain is often neglected in media stories about adoption, the focus instead on the happiness of the adoptive family. Kaepernick may not have appreciated what a meeting would mean to his mother, or how much sorrow he inflicts by not meeting her. Perhaps after football season is over, perhaps when no one else is around, Kaepernick will contact his other mother, Heidi Russo, and agree to meet her, at least once. We have often said that first mothers owe their children at least one meeting, at least one session where all questions are answered. We would hope that the opposite would be true.--Jane and lorraine

"All-American. Co-valedictorian of his class. NFL first-round draft pick.
Law school graduate. Best-selling author. TV commentator. Family man.
Green had it all?except knowledge of his biological mother. Here he
recounts his search for her."--Reed Business InformationI loved this book. He both loves his adoptive parents but searches and finds without dissing his natural mother. --lorraineWaiting to Forget: A Motherhood Lost and Found: Forced by societal pressures to give her baby up, she suffered emotional
trauma both before and for years after the birth. At forty, she gave
birth to a daughter and found herself terrified by the possibility of
losing her younger child, a fear she can now trace back to her uncertain
decision to give up her son. This is a truly wonderful read for both first mothers and adopted individuals.

34 comments
:

Great post ladies. I can relate. As it approaches eight years in reunion with a daughter that refuses contact or meeting or communication, this post touched me and yeah, made me feel a bit better about things

So sad that Colin can't see or doesn't care about the pain this causes his first mother. As a mother of adoption loss who also lives near Denver, I would love to meet her! I'm saddened that we live in a culture where anyone would think it is okay to deny a simple meeting. My heart goes out to both mother and son, and to all, like Suz and others, who patiently wait, holding onto the slightest glimmer of hope. I wish you peace.

Is there any legal basis for this? Could you get a restraining order on someone simply for writing you a letter or two?

"When a Portland mother whose 54-year-old daughter is a successful musician wrote to her daughter after finding her ten years ago, the mother received a letter from the Tennessse Department of Health and Human services, which archived all adoption records, threatening her with legal action if she attempted to contact her daughter again."

I will never understand how anyone can justify not simply writing a postcard saying "Terribly sorry, but I just don't feel like I'm open to contact at this point in my life. I will keep your information should this change. Wish you the best."

It does seem odd that you can get a restraining order against someone sending a letter. Tennessee may have special laws regarding first parents contacting their lost children. Here's what my friend emailed me about the incident:

"The adoption was handled by the Family Service Agency, a private adoption store. All adoption records are kept in Nashville and any requests for non-identifying information, birth certificates, etc. are handled by the Post-Adoption Unit. ...When I sent my initial letter to Lisa 5 years ago now, I can only guess she (or more likely her lawyer husband) contacted the Post-Adoption Unit and said she did not want any contact with me. The letter the State sent me may have been a form letter but it was very harsh and threatening. I keep asking myself why? When the adoption took place 53 years ago, I live in Oregon and she lives in Illinois, why does Tennessee give a shit at this point? Another adoption crazy-making policy."

I think adoptees may use harsh tactics to scare away their mothers because they don't think of their mothers as human beings with feelings. They may be genuinely, although irrationally, frightened. They view their mothers as some kind of haunting demon.

Some first mothers respond in similar fashion to their surrendered children when the mothers are contacted.

Enjoyed the post. My mother-in-law is an adoptee who refused her first mother's attempts at contact. I have been told that her fist mother cam to my MIL's high school, and it upset my MIL so much she left school for the day. My husband and I lived in the same small town where his parents grew up. When we were married, someone put the announcement in the local newspaper. The announcement mentioned where I was employed. A few weeks after the wedding, I received a letter from my MIL's first mother. when i realized what it was, i gave it to my husband to give to his mother. I don't think she ever met her first mother. I didn't understand what adoption was all about then, but when I look back this woman's desperation for a reunion with her daughter is very sad. If only I'd understood...my daughter would not be suffering the loss of her own daughter to adoption.

I spent my first Christmas with my mother this year. We had been having a lot of trouble with our relationship, and I suddenly decided to invite her for Christmas dinner. She surprised herself by saying, "I'd love to, what time?"

It was wonderful. Now I realize why I have always hated holidays. I could never understand why people got excited. I just missed my mother. I hated my wedding, because no one in my family was there. All my milestones were lacking something, and I never knew what. It was my mother.

I feel so violated. How could society think it was OK to do that to me? To steal the joy from my world, and try and replace it with strangers.

I had a little brother! I was raised a lonely only child of older, dull parents. My mother was young and beautiful and full of life.

I can understand the loyalty to the adoptive parents. I felt guilty even thinking about my mother. I was never allowed to speak of her.

I was supposed to be happy, and I was made to feel there was something lacking in ME because I wasn't.

It took me a long time to break free of that slave mentality. I now feel that I lived my life in chains, trying to be someone I could never be. It was a terrible price for a person to pay.

My a mom lives with me. I would only invite my real mother over when she was out of town. This Christmas I decided I deserved to have my mother over for dinner, and if A mom didn't like it, she could go somewhere else. And guess what? They sat and ate together, and NOTHING BAD HAPPENED.

It was powerful, and wonderful, and so right. I love my mother, and I'm not going to feel guilty about that ever again.

Well, I can defintely relate to this subject! Unfortunately... I still wait for contact with my daughter who will be 44 this coming May. I got my non-identifying information in March, 2006, and in September, 2006 made "contact" with a letter. Unfortunately, I had to write a letter to her a-mom, as she was "off the grid" so to speak! In October 2006 received a letter from her amom saying that I had "upset" daughter very much with my letter and if and when she was ready for contact she would... Oops! In January, 2007 I did finally (!) receive a response from her and she asked for no contact but thanked me for my letter and said she loved me. In April of 2009 I sent her a 10 page letter - wishing her a 39th birthday and explaining 'why' she was adopted, about her birth, etc. asking if we could just meet one time - and got a "nasty"/"angry" email asking me to NOT contact her ever again! If she wants contact she will. I truly believe it's because of her amom - amom was NOT happy I had made contact - as you see I signed a paper that said that! LOL! I wrote back (in that 10 page letter) NO, I never signed any paper that said I would have no contact - I signed a paper relingishing my rights as a "parent", not to never search! So I sit and pray... I have tried to "go back" to the time before search, but we all know that ain't going to happen!! LOL!

Amazing that the adoptive mother would think you signed a paper that said you would never contact her. Like, where did she get that idea? She assumed it because it is so convenient. It is easier to rest at least knowing you have told your daughter you would like to meet her.

One of our readers passed along information which may explain why the State of Tennessee wrote to a mother telling her she could not contact her lost daughter.

"Back in 1997 Tennessee passed a law which gave some access to birth records to adopted persons and also some access to birth parents (might have been a registry or CI program for them or something like that. I don't recall).

But I recall that there was a contact veto placed in the law. This was for BOTH sides and it has caused lots of heartache and fear. I have heard of adopted people who are afraid to go to some towns in Tennessee for fear they will run into a relative and violate the contact veto and be guilty of a crime (after receiving a gov't letter telling them not to contact anyone in their family)."

Tennessee's law came out of the Georgia Tann/Tennessee Children's Home horror. With the help of a corrupt judge, Tann arranged for children to be taken from their parents and placed for adoption with affluent people, mostly in New York and California. Many Hollywood notables in the 1930s and 40s obtained their children from Tann. The 1997 Tennessee law was enacted in response to media stories in the 1990s about those wrongly adopted and their first parents trying to find each other.

Late with this response but I read your comment again this morning when I had more time: so so so happy to hear a good story about you and your natural mother--and they ate together and nothing happened! The world did not fall apart, and neither did your adoptive mother. Thank you so much for telling your good reunion story and We know you will have a Happy New Year!

good wishes for a continued good relationship--with all of your mothers.

I read this post and thought, Yes. You nailed it. Then I read thishttp://www.singleinfertilefemale.com/2012/12/bans-birth-mothers-and-broken-hearts/And thought, wow, people just do not get it.No wonder there is so much misunderstanding when it comes to adoption.Fortunately, many of her commenters are gently disagreeing with her.

I couldn't read that endless blog you linked to all the way to the endless end but I got her point: woe is me, I want to adopt internationally, I will be the parent whose kid doesn't want to meet his biological parents. Perhaps you or someone could gently urge her to read our post?

I am an adoptee who received a copy of my original birth certificate this past summer. I sent a letter to my first mother in July and got no response. Her Facebook page went completely private 3 days after I sent my letter... Not a coincidence in my opinion. Hoping that she is checking out my Facebook page, I have posted some links to FMF in hopes that reading your blog would give her some insight as it has done for me.

Regarding adoptees that refuse contact... Even if you are a part of the adoption triad, that doesn't mean that you are aware of the plight of other members of the triad. Before attempting contact with my first mother, I did some research on how to write my letter. I stumbled on this site where I was able to read about the perspective of first mothers, and it has been enlightening and invaluable. Earlier in my life, I might have been one of those who refuses contact fearing hurt it might cause my a-parents. I had 1 conversation with my a-mom about searching for f-mom when I was a teenager, and a-mom could not understand my curiosity. I knew then and there that It was a threat to her for some reason.

I hope that woman from the blog does come to your site and read and read and read some more. She should be so lucky!

I did not come across FMF until a couple of years ago but you have taught me a lot. Prior to that I was fortunate to become friends with some first moms whose blogs you actually link to on your site, which is probably how I got here.

Anyway long story short, there are still too many insecure a-parents out there. I'm not sure what the solution is to that. I've tried writing about my experiences hoping that it would help other a-parents to relax but I guess some people refuse to change. Or simply don't want to.

As I write this, my son is about five hours from home with his natural grandparents Nini and Papaw. He'll spend a few days with them for a late Christmas and to celebrate the New Year. And he'll see his father while there. Have already gotten texts from his father and grandmother about what he's doing up there, as well as some texted pictures.

We saw his mother four days before Christmas and had a nice time. All of us decided to wander around a Target a couple of hours later and while doing so he said "I have two moms" and smiled. One of those moments to remember...

He is only seven. As I've said before, I was unfortunately pretty clueless as to the pain and challenges that he would face as an adopted person. Thanks to this site and others, I'm more aware and (hopefully) prepared to help in whatever way I can. One way that is most important is that his family have complete access to him. T-o-t-a-l and complete!

How does my rambling tie in to this post you are probably asking? My son knows ALL of his family. It has NEVER been threatening. It has NEVER made me feel like less of a parent. If only more a-parents would let their guard down, they would find this out. And their child would be the better for it.

Thank you for this post. As an adoptive parent, I want my daughter to feel that she can contact her natural family. This post really helped me see how simple words, phrases, and attitudes can send the opposite message of what I mean. She's only 4 months old right now, so this is timely. It's the perfect time for me to think of what I say and how I say it.

I saw an article about Colin Kaepernick and Heidi on a sports website, and it was followed by dozens of callous, unbelievably cruel posts, such as "she didn't want him until he was famous" and "she's probably after his money." And it went downhill from there. I was so appalled that I put a post on that site chastising them for their cruelty and trying to explain it a little. A few more milder posts and then the post ended. People just don't get it at all.

I find the nasty comments so sad, assuming the worst about a mother who wants to meet her son. While I do think that doing the job Kaepernick is trained for is quite different than the psychological challenge of meeting one's mother, I have hope that when the season is over he will take that step.

Thanks, Second Mom, for your lovely comment--we love to hear from good people like you. I think it is impossible for the non-adopted, and most adoptive parents, to understand the depth of meaning conveyed in a few words, a look, sigh. For instance, all that I hear and read indicates that if an adoptee ever referred to his first mother in conversation simply as "my mother," it would be seen as the treason one of Kaepernick's teammates referred to. Without actually knowing that is the message they have conveyed, we don't know if that is true in the Keapernick family.

But I am sure it is true in 99 percent of most adoptive households. I am not writing this to denigrate any adoptive mother; I'm just saying that more looseness and less fear would open up possibilities to their adoptive children and built a relationship on sturdier ground. First mothers/ adoptive mothers: both are mothers.

One of our readers emailed me and said no one should force another to have a relationship with someone.

We're not suggesting Kaepernick commit to a relationship. We're simply urging him to man up and meet the woman who gave him life. He's fearless in front of 350 pound linemen trying to take his head off; surely he could survive an a hour or so with Russo.

Any mother who relinquishes a child for adoption should have no expectation of having any contact, much less a relationship, with the child ever again. If any adoption agency or attorney guarantees you otherwise, they are lying. Hopefully, this realization will encourage more mothers to keep their babies.

This post is meant to encourage ALL FM's. When Jane said "it takes time"...it does ..more time than we could have ever imagined. Never give up hope & keep occasional contact. I waited 37 yrs and then rode the roller coaster of reunion for 6 more but this Christmas I spent with my daughter and all that time just floated away. It's worth the wait. Hugs to you all esp Lo and Jane for this site.

Thank you h2o_girl, that is very sweet of you to say. I truly feel that hearing adoptee and natural mom's perspectives have brought our family to where we are today. I will always be grateful to everyone who has shared their feelings and experiences with me.

Have to agree with Robin and maybe. Way too many people make promises to expectant mothers in order to get their babies. I personally know a couple of mothers that this has happened to. And I've heard stories from many more. One of my friends never heard from the a-parents once they left the hospital with the baby. Despite all kinds of romantic promises...

My opinion has been that these people must not believe in hell if they can do such a thing to a trusting woman and an innocent child.

That blogger, Single infertile female has dedicated an entire post to you at First Mother Forum. http://www.singleinfertilefemale.com/2013/01/first-mother-forum/#comments She' basically saying Wow! I understand you've been through a lot but do you have to bring me down? All I want to do is raise someone else's kid. Why can't I do that in peace without having to think about those pesky first mothers? Do you have to be so bitter? Just put on a happy face and hand over your kid already!Ugh!And the comments are revolting.

Oh, they are still at it at SIF and Rain, so upset with you folks and adoptees such as moi. What don't they understand about what adoption does to the soul of the adopted? Everything.

Okay, maybe I don't think that Colin Kaepernick owes his mother at least one meeting, but how about doing it at least once because it is the humane thing to do? She could have aborted and then the 49ers might not be in the Superbowl. Just sayin.

Maybe because Colin's birth mom is seeking publicity by doing stories with Yahoo, he is reluctant to meet her or maybe he knows her motives (fame). It's his choice. If he said no, then she should not hound him in the press for her shot at the brass ring. Let him live his life. She gave him up, if he says no, then stay out of the press hounding him.

Just an absurd statement you made she wants the fame or the brass ring? Really, maybe Colin needs to be a man and meet his mom the woman who gave him life.

You also said she should just take no for an answerl. Let him live his life. I think he has lived his life. Thanks to his mother he has been able to do that live a life! If he shows slightest bit of interest he probably will feel like he is betraying his adopters. What a terrible position to be in and because of that he isn't living his life his adopters have made sure of that he will "hurt" them if he wants to know the truth of his origins.I just heard he is donating to heart foundation guess his adopters lost two children to that disease. Is he living his life or is he living his adopters life. He sounds to me to be very vulnerable and they dictate.

Thankfully, my son had enough in him to stand up to his adopter. He told her she knew her mom.

Maybe you aren't aware of this, but Colin Kaepernick's birth mother already went to his football games and tried to contact him when he was in college. That was long before he became the famous QB of the San Francisco 49ers, so fame/money is obviously not her motivation for seeking him out.

Thank you, Shadow. People who leave comments saying the only reason Heidi Russo wants to meet her son is because he is "famous," have no understanding of a mother's love. Their motive it just to diminish that; they want her to be the bad woman who gave him away and now is hoping to cash in on his ability and fame. And today of course is a big day--Superbowl.

I often don't have a favorite in the game but I admit I find I am not rooting for his team because of his refusal to meet her--not just now, but long before, as you point out.

We welcome comments from all, and appreciate letting us know how you relate to adoption when you leave your first comment.

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THE BIG LIE about FERTILITY

In The Big Lie: Motherhood, Feminism, and the Reality of the Biological Clock Tanya Selvaratnam writes that women cannot do what they want on their own timetables. They cannot delay motherhood until they feel they are emotionally and financially ready, secure in their careers and have found that perfect partner, and if they have trouble getting pregnant, modern medicine will miraculously give them a child.

Forty is not the new thirty. Even with all the advances in reproductive technology, our eggs have a finite shelf life and the odds of having a child over 40 years old are shockingly slim.

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Ohio on the Radar

Some 400,000 people born in Ohio and adopted between 1964 and 1996 can now request a copy of their original birth certificate. This change is due to the tireless work by Adoption Network Cleveland. Stand up, Cleveland and take a bow!

BIRTHMARK

Birthmark (1979) is the ground-breaking first memoir from a mother who relinquished a child, up until then something no one talked about. "I could not put down this book! It touched my heart & soul in a very deep way, as I am a "birthmother" too. I do not feel so alone anymore. Many thanks for sharing your story-I'm sure it will help many like me."--A first mother at AmazonORDER IT HERE Birthmark

Korean adoptees & others react to Times piece:

NEW TV SHOW ABOUT SEARCH

Thanks to The Learning Channel for its new series, Long Lost Families about adoptees finding their biological parents, affirming once again that adoptees have a need--and should have the right--to know their roots. Mondays at 9 p.m. As the tearful meetings attest, separation of mother and child is hard and reunions can be joyous. TLC also hosts Who Do You Think You Are, broadcast at 10 p.m. EST on Sundays.

Don't tell adoptees they are 'lucky'

Adoptees not happy with their new identities in a strange culture are coming out in other publications too. Read Please don’t tell me I was lucky to be adopted in the Washington Post. The author is Shaaren Pine, an Indian woman. The comments are insane, mostly critical of her not be grateful for being so "lucky."

Another piece worth reading is about the slavishly adoring way the press often treats adoptions from poor countries, like any place in Africa. Our friend Frank Ligtvoet, an adoptive father of two black children, dissects two recent newspaper pieces in "Transracial Adopton in the US: 'Unbearably Alone and Hopelessly on Display.'" Both pieces linked here are worth reading. Comments welcome.

"It shouldn't take a miracle to find people you are related to by blood."--Jenn Gentlesk

They Steal Babies, Don't They

E. J. Graff's latest investigative report on how humanitarian adoptions in Ethiopia metastasized into a mini-industry shot through with fraud and was reined back through a new law.

Liberal Hypocrisy in Adoption

Read Maureen Slateley'ssearing indictmentof the failure of civil rights groups, feminists, advocates for the poor, and other reformers "to take a cold, hard view of adoption ... as a social practice .. much less create a coherent, effective national strategy." Read LIBERAL HYPOCRISY IN ADOPTION

MAKING AN ADOPTION PLAN?

Rent-A-Womb exploits women

Commercial surrogacy might look like the harnessing of technology to enhance reproductive freedom. But in reality, this practice invariably involves wealthy couples renting poorer women's bodies. And that is not something leftists ought to support. Read more at: Why the left should oppose commercial surrogacy

Lorraine at hearing for OBC in NY

Adoptee James Lane put this (and others) up on You Tube. Click on link below.

Surrogacy a happy ending?

Does surrogacy work out for some? Is it ever a good idea? Some people insist it works just fine. Filmakaer Jennifer Lahl, who made Breeders: A Subclass of Women? and works to ban surrogacy, has received many emails from women who want to tell us about their tragic surrogacy stories; she also received emails from those who insist their use of surrogacy had a happy ending. Not so fast, as Lahl responds: The Happy Surrogate Families.

on the web

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