Every relationship has its ups and its downs. Sometimes a relationship heads in the wrong direction, and we are left wondering why our partner seems tense and terse with us. Where did the love go? And what will we do if we lose the one we love? There are steps you can take before the relationship is lost completely.

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Steps

1

Assess your partner. Check their behaviour and see if you really think they want to break up with you. Many times people become afraid without good reason and see a break up where there isn't one. Check with a clear mind to see if your partner is actually behaving in a way that means the relationship is ending, or if it's something you're simply afraid of yourself.

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2

Assess the relationship. Is this a relationship worth holding on to? You're certain now that your partner wants things to end. Do you want them to end as well? How wonderful is your relationship? Have you been kidding yourself at any point? Many people make a relationship out to be something it isn't, out of a desire to have what others have.

3

Assess yourself. While it feels like it's your partner that wants to break up with you, what are the chances you want out of this relationship too? People often stay in unhealthy relationships out of a desire to have any relationship at all. How will staying in this relationship benefit you?

4

Be honest with yourself about the relationship. Have there ever been incidents in the relationship's history where it was influenced by negative forces, such as unhealthy friendships or stressful life events? Have either of you endured an unhealthy addiction or vice that made it difficult to maintain the loving attitude a relationship requires? Relationships are work, but usually it is work we love. How much work have the two of you had to put into this relationship to maintain it?

5

Communicate. When you have had time to assess yourself, your partner, and the relationship, it's time to sit down and talk. Explain to your partner what you've been feeling, but be sure to own those feelings. Avoid accusations and don't expect your partner to defend themselves or their choices. Treat this like a mutual sharing session and invite your partner to talk with you about what they feel when you say you are worried this relationship is breaking up.

6

Be gentle. Be a good listener and let your partner speak completely, let them know they can be honest with you without repercussions for doing so. Avoid a confrontation by remaining calm and showing you are committed to their feelings and to hearing them out. If your partner wants to break up, ask for the reasons. You do have a right to know, but be gentle and considerate in asking. Avoid using this time to change their minds or deny what your partner says. Your partner may be angry, afraid or aloof. Allow them to tell you the best way they know how why they are breaking up with you.

7

Be accountable and apologetic. When the time is right, take your turn to talk and respond to what your partner has said. Time spent denying any accusations your partner said is wasted time that could be spent showing them you hear them and accept their feelings, their version of things. Avoid making your partner feel like their feelings are wrong or unjustified or invalid. This will just create a barrier between you, one you won't be able to cross. Instead, be loving and considerate and when necessary, say you are sorry for things you may have done. Acknowledge out loud that your partner's feelings are real, and that they are important to you.

8

Be strong. This is a relationship you have assessed and a partner you still desire a connection with. Remember your best qualities and that at one point, this person may have loved you very dearly. Be calm, be truthful, and be strong in who you are and why you are trying to save this relationship.

9

Start from the beginning. To resolve things between you two, you may need to revisit the beginning of the relationship and see how you fell in love. What fun things did you do together in the beginning? If it's practical, do the fun, considerate, kind and exciting things you did in the beginning of the relationship. Your efforts may be rebuffed at first.

10

Be your best self. Be the person you know you can be, and the person your partner fell in love with. No matter what happens, don't give in to depression, to suspicion, to manipulation. Show your genuine feelings, share your honest thoughts, and be the best person you can be - hopefully the person your partner couldn't resist.

11

Allow distance and space. If your partner is determined to break up with you, don't hold them back. The tighter we hold people, the more they fight to get free. While it may feel noble to fight for someone, you should never fight your partner in order to have your partner. Be available, but remain strong in being a healthy person. Allow your partner to be healthy away from you too. Having nothing else to do but wait by the phone for your partner to call and take you back is a sign the relationship was heading in an unhealthy and very dependent direction.

12

Reassess. Something about you when you were single or pre-relationship status was so wonderful that your partner couldn't help but have you. That person you were is who your partner fell in love with. How far removed are you from that person now that this relationship is ending? What does being in a relationship mean to you? Does it change who you are?

13

Remember. At some point in time you were a completely capable single individual. You did things for your own reasons and you were somewhat happy with where your life was going. Remember that without a partner, you were and will again be a wonderful person deserving of love and capable of achieving many great things. Feel that sense of accomplishment and fulfillment again. That light inside you, the one your partner fell in love with, will undoubtedly shine out. And if your partner fails to notice it, the person you are truly meant to be with will.

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Tips

Avoid being manipulative in your behaviour or offering threats if the other person suggests breaking up with you. These would be signs that the relationship really should end.

Do not hide from the break up. This will make you seem childish and immature to your partner, and they don't have to see your face to do it. Face it with strength and maturity, head on.

While you should face the break up process head on, you don't need to be confrontational. Nor should you be accusatory or treat this like a court case. Be considerate, always.

Do not fall for the belief that a show of emotional weakness or other demonstration will sway your partner's mind. That would be disrespectful of their feelings.

Warnings

Abuse is abuse. If the relationship at any point involved verbal, mental, emotional or physical abuse, from either side, it may be best to end the relationship. Seek help, especially if there are free services you can use in your community. Even if you are the one who has been abusive, seek help before entering into a new relationship. Otherwise you'll end up at square one all over again. It's a new world and people know they have rights. You have rights too.

If a relationship's salvation requires you to become someone you have never been, someone you aren't interested in being, or someone that doesn't exist, reconsider the relationship as well as your partner.

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