Trying to solve problems like Maria

I’m currently working this bit of organically occurring dialogue into a pilot for LOGO. Also, just as a side note, to me, LOGO stands for “Lesbian or gay or…” and you pronounce the dot dot dot part, as it represents all the less than savory deviants that might be watching such a network. I am guessing that is not a correct acronym.

Glennis: A guy on Nerve told me he wanted to play strip chess with me.
Me: Ew, gross.
Glennis: I know, I would never strip to chess.
Both: Unless it was the MUSICAL Chess.

Me and Glennis, Faithfully hanging with Journey tribute (and our new favorite) band Evolution. Photo taken just before going our Separate Ways. I plan to audition for the part of Oh Sherry, should there ever be a call for it.

I live for discount shopping. This past week on Cape Cod, I went to Marshall’s and T.J. Maxx (no Christmas Tree Shop stops on this particular trip – this might be the first summer ever that I have not gone to the beloved Christmas Tree Shop. For the uninitiated, these shops are the epitome of value shopping and the big ticket items will run you about $9.99 and that’s for a drink set, including an immigrant with all his working papers who will wash your acrylic cups and matching drink pitcher every five minutes for the rest of time). To give you a sense of where I get this affinity for discount shopping, my mother said to me while we were shopping at T.J. Maxx, “You should pick up some Christmas presents while stuff is on sale”. In August.

I tend to feel that I find MY PEOPLE when I’m shopping amidst slashed prices, deep discounts and things that nearly-but-didn’t-quite catch fire but were shipped off so that MY PEOPLE could provide a loving home for them. MY PEOPLE are the ones who head right for the back of the store to find things on clearance, the ones who think the correct response to a fashion compliment is not “Thank you”, but disclosure of the price we paid for it (“Oh, this? SEVEN dollars.”) My people go to Williams-Sonoma and Anthropologie and get IDEAS. Then we go to flea markets and buy the same stuff for a fraction of the price.

I was shopping this weekend, again on Cape Cod but NOT at any of my beloved discounters. I was at the Pottery Barn. MY PEOPLE were not at the Pottery Barn, if they had been witnesses to the following scene, we would have erupted together in a chorus of laughter, a superior, thrift-filled laughter, which is the best medicine because it is free, unlike prescriptions which have ginormous $10 co-pays. Two women entered, pushing a dog inside what looked like a miniature playpen on wheels. Already, I hate these women and their dog-pushing contraption. Enter a Pottery Farmhand.

“Wow! You are making your dog look like an A-hole!”

Is what I wish she said.

Instead she said “Wow! I have never seen one of those [doggy-playpen-contraptions] before!”

Human A-hole: “It’s because the dog CAN’T WALK. Isn’t that right, Persephone?” Wow, now who’s the a-hole? ME. Here I am judging these women and their burden of a cripple-dog who really deserves compassion because injured animals should never be a punchline. But when the dog is named for a Greek mythological figure that I wrote a paper on in 9th grade who happens to be the Queen of Hades, it’s kind of a punchline.

Pottery Farmhand: “Oh, gosh! I am so sorry!” Because even if you are an innocent bystander, you feel sad for a dog in this situation – unable to run away from it’s owner and all.

Human A-hole’s friend: “Oh, no, it’s not that the dog can’t walk, it’s that she doesn’t like to walk.” That’s where the bile actually came out, all over the $6.99 (on sale! $6.99 is hardly a sale) reusable drinking straws I was not seriously considering buying. I would like to remind you all that last time I came back from a trip to the Cape, I mentioned my favorite punny, rich boat name “Mutual Fun”, which is docked near where I go canoeing. It’s amazing. Who ARE these people with their money-filled boat names and their lazy dogs? One thing was for sure, they were not MY PEOPLE.

My Companion-of-All-Trades and I have been busy doing all sorts of air conditioned things, like watching the Food Network (Hooray, Feasting on Asphalt! Boo, Semi-Half Assed with Sandra Lee (featuring her Semi-Homemade Boobies)) and watching Jeopardy! (Hooray, College Tournament! Boo, portion of the show where really bad personal anecdotes are told about your visit to the Great Wall of China. What is: I don’t know how to tell a story?). We also went out yesterday so we could be productive members of society and saw The Descent, the movie where six female friends vacation together and all end up on the same cycle. DEATH cycle, that is!

So here’s the rundown of (really) the scariest movie I’ve seen this summer, The Descent, a.k.a. Pirates of the Carabiner.
First there’s “Sissy Spacek-in-Carrie”, our protagonist, Sarah.

Sarah’s had it rough, and as such, she is the one we are rooting for since she is depressed and on meds and finds solace in doing extreme climbing in the Appalachians.

We are most definitely not rooting for Filipino Lucy Liu, a.k.a. antagonist Juno whose morals are questionable and who does not always put safety first.

Then there are the incidentals, you know, the people who are definitely gonna die. Like… sisters Rebecca and Sam who are seen here in the newest Calvin Klein ad for “Spelunk” parfum.

Between blood and stalagmites lies….Spelunk. They are a helpful duo, Rebecca being a pro-climber, Sam being pre-med, neither of them fated to do anything useful with those skills cause they’re gonna get eaten.

And two others who don’t have any pictures online but one of them is a very butchy Sporty Spice type named Holly who likes taking risks and the other is Beth, a British voice of all things reasonable. Imagine Hugh Grant’s sensible female friend in like, every film he’s ever been in and that’s her. Only she dies here.

It’s a horror movie! People die! You know this! I warned you!

I was so anxious during the film that I actually stopped eating popcorn for like five minutes. No food in Liz’s hand =s-c-a-r-e-d. Even without any blood and death, the first third of the film built up tension perfectly. I know I’ll never go hiking or climbing again!*

While a lot has been made of the original or “British” ending which was released in the UK and how it’s superior to the US version, I have to say after seeing both (thank you, You Tube!) that they are both creepily satisfying.

Finally, I have to give some credit where it’s due. Court Street Cinema in Brooklyn, kudos to you for allowing parents to bring their 4-year-olds to this film. If they don’t learn about blood-filled, claustrophobic deaths now, when will they?

Haiku Review of The Descent
You and your best pals
wouldn’t get killed if you stayed
in and watched TV.

Glennis and I have a new blog about our undying love for TV and the corporate whores who make it possible, advertisers. First task is to locate the beef and then have it our way. And Now…A Word From Our Sponsor.