(A-CNN Special Extra Edition) Based on recent discoveries uncovered in an ancient Romanesque Crypt found in the remote recesses of the Argentinian campuses, the Vatican today proudly announced the authenticity of the Gospel According to Frank. Cardinal Izzy Offthecuffski, the Prefect of The Pontifical Anthropological and Archeological Scientific Synodical Commission on Scriptural Hermeneutics, a subdivision of the Congregation of Interfaith Dialectics, has issued the finished manuscript containing his imprimatur. The required final scrutiny by the C.E.O of the Catholic Answering service and the Vortex Inquisition Commission has been notified and their approval and certification are immanently expected. The publication by the Official Vatican Press will commence after the approval and certifications are received and reviewed by Pope Francis.

(A-CNN) Today, in a surprise move, Karl Keating announced plans to completely overhaul his Neo-Catholic apologetics apostolate Catholic Answers. The plans were announced on Keating’s Facebook page and can be read below:

Greetings to my 4,926 Facebook friends! Let me start by saying that what you are about to read will come as a shock to you. However, after countless hours of reflecting and praying during my various hiking trips across the globe (see HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE), I have come to the following startling realization.

I have decided that Catholic Answers’ work is now done. Yes, you heard me correctly. When I started this apostolate in 1979 I wanted to defend the Faith against the errors of Protestantism, win converts, and help build the Catholic Church into a thriving, fruitful, invigorated institution. Well, nearly 35 years later I can truly say, “Mission Accomplished!”

As many of you know, Michael Voris recently apologized for reporting Cardinal Raymond Burke’s statement that Pope Francis was doing harm to the Church (See Video HERE). Hours later, however, Voris came to the conclusion that his own logic additionally forbade him from continuing on at CMTV. In a statement released minutes ago, Voris says the following:

“Clarification (Part Deux)

Hello everyone. Michael Voris coming to you from Rome with a second clarification.

Exciting the pundits of the secular press and the more liberal lobby leaders of Neo-Catholicism is the newest Vatican Party Shop line of Trad-bashing Piñatas. Designed as eye-catching cartoonish characterizations of the overtly pompous traditionalist clergy in their pre-Vatican II garb is where the fun begins. Smashing the treat-filled trad-clerical figures, especially those of the neo-Lefebvrian orders, is sheer delight and it is causing somewhat of a sensation even among the more sophisticated moderate neo-Catholic cults.

Rumor has it that the idea originated in the diocese of Buenos Aries, always a hotbed of anti-Lefebvre animosity and somehow made its way to the Vatican following the election of Pope Francis. Now the cool and amusing beating up on the trad-clerical piñatas and the like hung in effigy is spreading like an infectious virus throughout the neo-Catholic culture. The colorful candy filled clerics come in three basic sizes consisting of large, medium and even small for the more intimate occasions. Each anti-trad piñata comes individually gift wrapped and labeled with the name of your favorite trad-to-hate group prominently displayed. Right now the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate are on the top of the hit list with the FFI nuns running a close second. There is however, a growing interest in smashing the Society of St. Pius X (SSPX) models and especially the Extraordinary Bishop Fellay piñata that is touted to be the party favorite of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith.

In celebration of the many Pope Francis record-breaking humble achievements and in his being unanimously and universally chosen the winner of the “World’s Greatest Humble Person Award” the Vatican is introducing and inviting the Pope’s faithful fans and followers to enter and take part in the “Vatican International Humble Pie Contest” (VIHPC). The promoters of the contest have told us that their intention was not just to highlight Pope Francis’ extraordinary humble qualities but, also to bring attention to the October Synod on the Family. The world is expanding and innovating and the family is reflecting, evolving and adapting to the modern world. Insiders have told us that the Synod on the Family will explore these new concepts and respond with new humble and merciful faith solutions to meet and resolve the new spiritual challenges of the progressive modern Catholic family.

“Humble Pie”, Symbol of Family and Pope Francis:

The “Humble Pie” symbolizes the modern family which can be made up of many new ingredients and then sectioned into individual pieces while maintaining the diverse unity. It also symbolizes the Pope’s humble view of an egalitarian society where wealth redistribution and economic stagnation brings about poverty equity while maintaining liberation theology. Vatican Spokesperson Fr. Lumbar in this morning’s Vatican briefing asked the question: “What could possibly be more symbolic of the family and homey comfort food other than pie and what could be more symbolic of Pope Francis than “Humble Pie”?

It has been determined by the Special Research Committee of the Vatican Congregation for the Renewal of the Church (VCRC) that the traditional hierarchical order of the pre-conciliar Traditional Catholic Church does not in any way accurately reflect or fit into the present world of modern man. In reaction to the popular praxis of the overriding democratic fairness principle Pope Francis has called for a renewal of Vatican protocol to bring inline the Church and the secular world. An Official who spoke in anonymity said, “This is a new age and a new spirit which calls for a new Church with many new choices. Conscience is not a matter of conformity but a unified diversity of egalitarian evolution within the hermeneutics of continuity and that is our living tradition. We need to become more tolerant and aware of individual choices.”

Special Cafeteria Committee of Cardinals Recommends a neo-Church of Choice:

A Special Committee of Cardinals gathering in the Vatican cafeteria initiated by Pope Francis within the VCRC for the purpose of restoring a brotherhood of egalitarian cooperation and simpatico within present plebian genre has completed their study and made recommendations for a neo-Church of “Choice” . Experts who are most familiar with the project suggest: “That the old restrictive medieval style Catholic Church should be completely renewed and replaced with a truly new ‘Aggiornamento Church’ of choice reflecting the vision of St. Pope John XXIII in union with the Spirit of Vatican II. This is the chosen course that has completely captured the new Vatican cafeteria visionary, Pope Francis (affectionately known as Captain Cafeteria) and it is the one all those in the neo-Church are certain to follow.”

(July 1, 2014) A-CNN Special Report – Vatican Office of Information and the Congregation for the Discipline of Cryptic Vernacular announces the: “Official Papal Guide to Understanding “Francis Speak” the New Universal Language of the Church.”

The revolutionary new and “OfficialGuide to Understanding the New Universal Language of the Church” given to us by Pope Francis is a compendium translator for his brilliant and unique complexities common to his linguistic phenomena and is currently under final review by the editors and theologians of the Congregation for the Discipline of Cryptic Vernacular. The completed project will be presented to Pope Francis prior to the October Synod and upon his approval will be made available to the public sometime in November of 2014.

This Opus Magnus Lexicon represents the most extensive work that the Vatican Congregation for the Discipline of Cryptic Vernacular (CDCV) has produced to date although it is evolutionary and will remain as such, a continuing work in progress. Coming from and in response to various sectors of the religious community as well as from secular quarters of society there has been and still is a growing curiosity if not an urgent need to clarify dogmatically and specifically what is to be understood within the commonly called “off the cuff” elocutions, phone calls and informal interviews produced and published which apparently do incorporate the new language communicative preferences of Pope Francis.

C-NN BRAKING NEWS from the Vatican: First International Invitational Charismatic Rally, “On the Rock and the Wholly Rollers?”

The Vatican Congregation for Liturgical Affairs is setting the stage for the Premier International Pentecostal Charismatic Summit to be held at the Vatican in 2017. Unofficially the word is going around that it is sure to be a smash hit especially with the young crowd as it plans to introduce the sensational new Vatican charismata rock group, “Rock and the Wholly Rollers”. True to their name’s sake which reflects the name and theme of this first time ever event the lead guitarist, Poco Loco said, “the spirits are reaching out in a whole new way now that Vatican II has introduced ecumenical religious liberty.” This epic-changing charismata-rock group has a new album in production titled: “Tongue Rappers” that has its followers and fans preordering faster than you can say aggiornamento.

An Invitation and Symbiotic Encouragement from Pope Francis: “I expected all of you, Charismatics from around the world, to celebrate your Great Jubilee with the Pope at Pentecost 2017 in St Peter’s Square,” the Pope said.

“The celebration in Rome's Olympic Stadium began with the song, "Vive Jesus, El Senor," ("Jesus, the Lord, Lives") a Spanish-language song which Francis -- who claims he is tone deaf -- joined in singing with his hands open like many in the crowd. The pope said he likes the song, which charismatics in Argentina also sing: "When I celebrated the holy Mass with the charismatic renewal in the Buenos Aires cathedral, after the consecration and after a few seconds of adoration in tongues, we sang this song with such joy and strength."

BRAKING NEWS: The Vatican Congregation for the Causes of the Saints has released a new proposal to improve the Beatification Qualification process concerning the need for miracles by venerable candidates. The agreed solution involves the creation of a miraculous pool/bank of certified miracles that occur within a particular time period from which those candidates, such as the Pope, now St. John XXIII, can be attached and credited with. The hypothesis concerns the theological attachment of the Communion of Saints and how they share in a spiritual life of events and how too, they can cooperatively share in the miracles during their time on earth.

“From those who have the greatest ability to those who have the greatest need.”*

It is not as if miracles were not plentiful during the Twentieth Century; there are thousands of documented events attributed to the holy monk St. Padre Pio alone. The question is in the neo-theology of sharing this resource so that the new egalitarian and ecumenical Church of post-Vatican II can prosper by them. Since we now have eliminated or at least avoid hierarchical references and prefer equality of status it can be presumed fair to consider the relationship of sainthood in a certain guideline time period and the miraculous events of that period; rather than emphasize an individual’s direct involvement with the miraculous event.

Breaking News: The Vatican Press Office has just announced that the newly created Vatican Congregation for Liturgical Creativity (VCLC) will take part in the celebration of the Pope Paul VI Beatification Vatican Ceremony and Celebration.

Planned for this October 2014, the VCLC will initiate the “Most Novel Spirit of Vatican II Liturgical Award” presentation. The award winning Liturgy will be celebrated at the opening of the Beatification celebration and the awards ceremony will take place as part of the Beatification closing events.

The Most Novel Spirit of Vatican II Liturgical Award will be the first grand prize award of its kind ever given for liturgical creativity. The award will be presented by the Bishop of Rome (a.k.a. Pope Francis) to the liturgical team leader who has created the most novel worship liturgy service in the ordinary Novus Ordo form. The decision to award this prize by the VCLC at this time is to show particular honor to and celebrate Pope Paul VI’s Novus Ordo Missae and Sacrosanctum Concilium.