Is it not sufficient for man to absorb the useful labors and lives of the inferior creation, without superadding excessive anguish, want and misery?
â€” Julius Ames, The Spirit of Humanity

Portis defends Vick
Michael Vick hosting dog fights at his home doesn't bother Clinton Portis, who says, "if that's what he wants to do, then do it."

If somebody is too stupid to understand the fundamental immorality of dog fighting, you're never going to be able to explain it to him.

So don't waste your breath on Clinton Portis.

You could show him scripture, wherein man's dominion over animals comes with an insistence on "holiness and justice."

You could photocopy Gandhi's essay on animal rights for him.

Heck, you could even give him a copy of Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man in the hopes that he might see a parallel in the inhumanity between Ellison's battle royal â€” a brutal free-for-all fought by black men for the entertainment of whites â€” and a bunch of men standing around and cheering as two dogs tear each other apart.

But none of it would take. So this isn't a column with an educational purpose. This is a more retributive exercise with the aim of adding just a sliver of anguish and misery to the otherwise great life of multi-millionaire jackass Clinton Portis, written on behalf of my dog Sam.

In what could have been a completely inconsequential off-season interview, the idiot Portis, for no apparent reason, decided to weigh in on behalf of Michael Vick and in favor of dog fighting.

When I saw the headline I thought it must have been one ill-conceived comment â€” perhaps blown out of proportion or taken the wrong way â€” but, oh no, Portis went out of his way to reiterate again and again in different ways that he has no problems with dog owners fighting their dogs.

If you thought Ted Koppel tried to throw Al Campanis a lifeline, check out how many times the interviewer gives Portis opportunities to backtrack.

On the topic of Vick facing possible charges for dog fighting, Portis opened with, "I think people should mind their business, you know. I don't know if he was fighting dogs or not, but it's his property, his dog, if that's what he wants to do, do it."

When apprised by the startled interviewer that dog fighting is a felony, Portis was fairly incredulous. It seems to be the first he's heard of that development within our justice system. But he's ready with a rebuttal.

"It can't be too bad of a crime. There's a lot of stuff that's crimes, you know. It's killers on the loose over here and you want to hunt down Michael Vick over fighting some dogs."

Well said, Clint. Well said. But he was just getting started.

"I think behind closed doors the same people who do all the judging are probably some of the harshest people around. They're Internet predators and everything else."

Smart. Use the Karl Rove strategy, go on the attack. The people â€” law enforcement officers, district attorneys, judges â€” condemning others for dog fighting are Internet predators. Nice.

Come to think of it, we've got to get Chris Hansen and his crew to surprise the gang at one of these dog fights. Those would be some choice interviews. Smart crowd, the dog fighting fan base.

Apparently Portis was no stranger to these Mensa meetings when he was growing up.

"I'm from Laurel, Mississippi, so I know a lot of backroads that got a dog fight if you want to go see it." Perhaps the FBI can take up Clinton on this offer.

After suggesting that he suspected cops and judges were staging dogfights too, Portis was asked what he would think if Vick is charged and convicted.

Still unclear on the illegal nature of the activity, Portis asks, "How could you convict somebody on a dog fight?"
Okay, knucklehead, hypothetically, what if Vick were convicted?

"Then I think he got cheated. You take a positive role model...and put him behind bars for no reason, over a dog fight."

Positive role model? Wow, this interview just gets nuttier and nuttier. Was it his airport antics, flipping off the fans, or throwing coaches under the bus that made Vick a positive role model? I forget.

Portis seems genuinely confused at why we can't do whatever we want to our animals in the privacy of our massive compounds. He seems to be asking, if you own the animals and you keep it on your property, who's to say you can't torture them? Civil society, Clinton, that's who.

The sad part is I had always liked Clinton Portis. I thought the costumes were great and his sound bites consistently funny. But he's lost me now.
When I think about pro athletes siccing dogs on one another it makes me consider rooting for catastrophic knee injuries.

But I guess I'm not that cruel. If, however, Portis missed another batch of games in '07 with his chronic shoulder problems, well, maybe it would be karma.