Question

How do I handle my overbearing in-laws?

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Now that we're expecting our first child, my husband's overbearing parents have gotten worse. My mother-in-law just told me that she'll be staying with us for weeks after the birth, and that she and my father-in-law will spend Christmas at our house. I'm thrilled that my baby will have loving grandparents, but I'm scared that my home is becoming theirs. What should I do?

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For most parents it is difficult to understand that their role changes with the years. It is now time they stop protecting you two, and need to be trusting and supporting instead. Although you should be extremely happy they show so much interest to your baby to be born and show you their extreme devotion to your family, it is time for them to understand that your husband, their baby, is about to be himself a father and that both of you are qualified and responsible enough to assume such role. It is also important for them to understand that you don't reject them but want to be on your own to enjoy that magical moment of becoming parents.
Gently discuss the matter by explaining yourselves clearly.
They will always be needed to support you in many moments of your parenting but shall not take your place as parents. Their job is already done and it is now your turn to take the challenge of life.
Don't forget that experience when it will be your turn to switch role with your own kid!!

You need to speak your mind and dont feel obligated about anything. Remember you mil already got to raise her family. Dont let them make you feel bad. She'll respect you more for telling them .You know, I know you would like to come down and visit but, this is a time of change and I need all the peace and quiet that I can get. Dont take this is a bad way but, I dont think that it is a good idea. maybe in a couple months. If you husbends a mamas boy he'll get upset but, that's when you repliy . Look this is how it's going to be. point blank,

I call my mil every week (unless one of us is sick) to see what day would be a good day to bring my son over to visit them. Too many times I've heard, we're busy this week, oh we're fighting, i have a dr's appt, etc. And so it may go a week or two before they see him, but I feel I do make the effort. But then she will call and say that she misses him and wants to see him and that she's not going to miss out on seeing this baby grow up, giving the impression that I'm not bringing him over enough. She feels that noone can tell a grandmother what to do...I say you can't tell a mother what to do, they are my children to raise and protect, she had her chance to make decisions on how to raise her kids, and I'm making mine for mine. I'm not saying I don't want her to see the kids, I do, I know she loves them to death and they make her happy, but she needs to back off and be a grandmother, not a 2nd mother. I think seeing them once a week is better than what alot of grandparents get! Oh and I agree with someone else who said alot of it is HOW you say it, she says things in a very pushy, tell-you way, not asking. Like telling me she is going to come and take my son once my second baby is born, again, don't tell me you are going to come and take my son, b/c you're not. He's going to be here to get to know his new sibling. If you call and ask if you can take him for a few hours (NOT A FEW DAYS OR WEEK) I would probably say yes, but I won't if you are telling me instead of asking me. And just because I'm having another baby doesn't mean I don't love and want for my first one to be here with me, I don't want him to feel like we're pushing him away to be with this new baby. He needs to be here to adjust to life with a baby sibling, small breaks are okay, but not extended.

I&#8217;m 6 months pregnant with my first child and terrified of what my MIL will be like. Luckily my husband is very aware and together we have set impregnable boundaries since before we were married 7 years ago. However, this will be her first grandchild and she has become worse so I know she will be impossible after the birth. As a result, I asked a friend how she dealt with the MIL after her child was born and she gave me great advice: You can let your mom in the secret or use it on her too. Kindly but firmly say: &#8220;We have waited X number of years to have a child, and he/she is finally here so please let us learn from our mistakes just like you did with us. We need room to do this and be assured that when we need help we will ask for it&#8221; She used it on her overbearing MIL and FIL and it worked wonderfully. I think even the most obtuse PILs will get the idea.
Still, I think it&#8217;s important to include the MIL in anything you feel that you can bear.

Vanessa, I am a social worker and I also have experience with overbearing family members. (Who doesn't?) If you haven't spoken to your husband about your feelings that is the first step. The two of you should be presenting a united front, regardless of the front you choose. You should kindly tell your in-laws how you'd like to spend the first few weeks as YOUR OWN FAMILY. It is wonderful that they want to be involved grandparents, but you, your husband and your baby are a family and you have every right to choose who comes into your home. If you feel uncomfortable speaking to your in-laws your husband should be prepared to talk to them himself and tell them what you BOTH want. A professor taught me this and I use it in my own marriage: Your marriage is a little secret garden with one door in and out; you and your husband choose together who is allowed into that special place. This idea will help you keep your marriage and your new family intact and healthy. Good luck with your in-laws and especially with your baby!

I know how it feels to be expecting your first baby and everyone wants to be in the delivery room or at your house. Set up boundaries right away and let them know what YOUR plans are. In delivery I just wanted my husband there because my MIL and her boyfriend became very annoying. I let my MIL back in after the delivery to take pics. As far as getting home - yes, you are a new parent and you do have to figure things out for yourself and baby. Help is nice - but we had to set up boundaries right away..everyone had to wash hands and no kissing the baby on the mouth. Smokers had to come in smoke-free clothing no matter what and wash hands. Even then my baby blankets would stink like smoke and I would wash them ASAP after they left so not to hurt anyone's feelings. My MIL is very controlling of certain things like holidays and birthdays and I just tell her what is going to happen and do it no matter what. Just be firm and don't stress over them you have enough to worry about. :)

I think deep inside we know what to do; we need to set some boundaries obviously discussed with our husbands, but we are afraid we are being mean by doing this... even more if our husband seems too stressed about sharing them. It costed me big tears and stresses in my marriage until my husband was able to agree that all I was asking was to have healthy boundaries with his family - things like needing our own place when we visit their country (we live far away) as I like to have my own space. I know other families don't need to do this, they stay with their families when they go back to their home countries, but If it is a problem for you then it IS a problem.
Sit down together and discuss things like:
- How long (maximum time and when) should they stay with you
- Which things would you like them to do/not to do
- What food are your children allowed/not allowed to have
- Which things you would like to be asked before they are done
We read a book called "Boundaries" that has helped us.

Be gentle, but firm. I let my mother-in-law know that while we would greatly appreciate the help, we also value our privacy and we are looking forward to making a family together.
She may still move so that she is in the same city as us, and can be close-by if either of us need some help. All I had to say was that she is appreciated but that this is our child. Thankfully, she understands and she's been great throughout the pregnancy.
I look forward to starting OUR family, raising my child my way but with the love and support of our whole family :)

This is an extremely tough situation to handle, but what I've learned from my own "in-law" struggles is to calmly express your concerns with your husband. Hopefully, the 2 of you share the same values and intentions. Then allow him to express this to his parents. Honestly, they'll still blame you for keeping them out no matter who delivers the news. If after your husband has shared your concerns the MIL insists, then you are well within your right as a woman (the woman of your house) to calmly and politely let her know that while you appreciate her involvement you have other plans. Let her know that you and your husband have discussed it and the two of you have decided on other means. Like I said earlier, they're gonna blame YOU either way, but @ least you'll have your man on your side and at your back. Good luck!!

Having had an overbearing mother-in-law with my first child I would advise you to be polite and appreciative that she wants to help. I know you will want your time with your child and it isn't too much to ask that you are allowed some of that time. Try to see if you could manage a week or 2 of her after you have had a week or 2 to yourself. She is excited about a new grandchild but you are excited about your new daughter as well. Best of luck.

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