ABC – Alex Walden and her boyfriend, Ryan Tippetts, said they called the police to report her black Jetta stolen from the University Hill neighborhood in Boulder, Colo., after Walden found her cell phone playing Pandora music while lying on the ground, apparently chucked from the missing car. It only took 15 minutes for the Jetta to reappear Saturday morning – and with it, the alleged thief still in the driver’s seat. As the couple crossed an intersection, she took a closer look at the car – same color, same license plate and same soccer ball lying in the back. “I asked him what he was doing and he said, ‘I’m trying to let ya’ll cross the street,’” Walden told ABCNews.com. “He didn’t realize who we were and I told him to get out of my car.” But the suspect – former University of Colorado running back Davien Payne, 20, refused. Tippetts dove through the passenger-side window, climbed over a woman in the passenger seat and battled Payne for control of the steering wheel. “The police showed up within 30 seconds after he got out of the car and tried to make a run for it – but they got him,” Walden said. Tippetts paid a hefty price for his heroics, taking about 20 punches in the face and throat while trying to keep the car from crashing. He now has six titanium plates with screws holding his throat together after suffering a broken larynx – but that hasn’t affected his spirits. Payne may have a tougher road ahead. He has been charged with aggravated motor vehicle theft, two counts of second-degree assault, resisting arrest, obstructing a police officer and third-degree trespassing.

Heroics? That’s what we’re calling the exchange of your throat for your girlfriend’s Jetta? Sounds like “idiocy” to me, especially when you’re a Mike Greenberg clone tangling with this dude:

Golic wasn’t there for backup. It was just a scrawny white guy with his side part, his checkered shirt and his chick. In hindsight, I bet Ryan wishes they would’ve just crossed the street like Davien respectfully offered. Just called the cops instead of trying to impress his girl & finally getting to put it in her butt. And make no mistake about it, this is 100% anal’s fault.

If this dork pulled the biggest upset since David over Goliath, Alex would’ve finally un-clenched her butt cheeks. She’d fuck him like she fucked that dude who looked like Davien back in college. But now she’s all prim & proper. Found herself a responsible man that could give her a picket fence & a couple of prep-schooled kids in exchange for missionary with the lights off. Well, ladies, let this be a lesson to you. If you really love your man, just say yes once in a while when he’s hovering his dick tip outside your butthole before he does something stupid & ends up with a titanium throat.