Friday, June 26, 2009

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

We know what happens when movements or parties continue to stagger forward after running out of ideas: They become zombies. Zombie parties are a recurrent feature of electoral democracies. Unable to articulate any coherent or workable governing philosophy, they mindlessly jab at cultural hot buttons, mechanically repeat hardwired tropes ("cut taxes, cut taxes, cut taxes"), nurse tribal resentments, ostracize independent thinkers. Above all, they feel positively proud of their doggedness. You can’t talk them out of it. Think of the Republicans in the FDR years, the Democrats in the Reagan years, the British Labour Party in the Thatcher period, and the British Conservative Party in the Blair period. Think of Japan’s Liberal Democratic Party for most of the past half-century, or France’s Socialists today. To get a new brain, zombie parties usually need to spend years out of power or wait until a new generation rises to leadership.

Add to the list the Congress in the late 90's and the BJP after 2004.

The "civil war" currently going on in the BJP is merely a battle for turf. It's not a serious discussion about it's failed rhetoric. The BJP needs to realize that the culture war that they and their affiliates represent are now over. The people don't want the regressive politics that the BJP represents. This does not mean that they don't have a base. There are a large number of people out there who agree with the sentiment that the BJP represents. But there numbers have decreased and people have generally moved on from that train of thought. The BJP now needs to literally "find" itself. I suggest going to the himalayas for a few months. It seemed to work out very well for the guy in The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari.

Which does not mean that the Congress doesn't need to work on it's image. The Congress was handed a victory by the people mostly because they saw through the naked opportunism represented by the so called Third and Fourth fronts. The Congress was really meek in the lead up to the results and was desperately trying to hold on to power no matter how much they would have to compromise. The whole shtick of the Congress is that people think of it as a "lesser evil". In which world is that a prudent long-term PR strategy?

As for the regional parties, they just exist so as to provide their leaders and his/her extended family with enough money so that they can live like a king and talk like a pauper.

According to the pro-government newspaper Iran, four players – Ali Karimi, 31, Mehdi Mahdavikia, 32, Hosein Ka'abi, 24 and Vahid Hashemian, 32 – have been "retired" from the sport after their gesture in last Wednesday's match against South Korea in Seoul.

They were among six players who took to the field wearing wristbands in the colour of the defeated opposition candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi, which has been adopted by demonstrators who believe the 12 June election was stolen.

The fate of the other two players who wore the wristbands is unknown. None of the team members were given back their passports upon returning to Tehran after the match, which ended in a 1-1 draw.

The family, clad in black, stood at the curb of the road sobbing. A middle-aged mother slapped her cheeks, letting out piercing wails. The father, a frail man who worked as a doorman at a clinic in central Tehran, wept quietly with his head bowed.

Minutes before, an ambulance had arrived from Tehran's morgue carrying the body of their only son, 19-year-old Kaveh Alipour.

On Saturday, amid the most violent clashes between security forces and protesters, Mr. Alipour was shot in the head as he stood at an intersection in downtown Tehran. He was returning from acting class and a week shy of becoming a groom, his family said.

The details of his death remain unclear. He had been alone. Neighbors and relatives think that he got trapped in the crossfire. He wasn't politically active and hadn't taken part in the turmoil that has rocked Iran for over a week, they said.

Upon learning of his son's death, the elder Mr. Alipour was told the family had to pay an equivalent of $3,000 as a "bullet fee"—a fee for the bullet used by security forces—before taking the body back, relatives said.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

So last year, the people of Delhi lost their mind and out of respect and deference to the elderly, gave Shiela Dikshit a third term so that she may complete her task of ruining Delhi.

While her finance minister presented his budget in the annual laughing club meet of the Delhi assembly, her government billed it as a "thanksgiving budget". Why did they do so? because they wanted to thank the people of Delhi for voting for the Congress twice in less than a year. I'm sure most Delhities will never forgive themselves. Although, it's not like they had a choice. It was either Grandma Dikshit or that guy who puts anyone he speaks to into a deep slumber for a hundred years.

So what great gifts did the government reward it's people with? Ten bucks and an e-card? More electricity? Better roads? Mandating that tofu be served along with the snake-infested mid-day meals in government schools?

No, actually.

They went about this in another direction.

Long, long ago, in 2005, when the earth wasn't dying so fast and Maddona had only one stolen kid from Africa, our diligent lawmakers gave themselves a gift of top of the line laptops and inkjet printers. Now, many of them were from the previous assembly and already had been allotted printers and laptops. But, somehow, most of them seemed to have "lost" or "misplaced" their computers and thus required a new one. Just like when you lose your car keys, you havta buy a new car! This whole exercise cost the taxpayer a measly sum of Rs. 51 Lakhs. Turns out, most of the MLA's didn't even know how to use their fancy computers. So let's fast forward to this year, when, to help all our MLA's find free porn sites which don't install too many spyware programs, the government of Delhi has given them an allowance of Rs. 7,500 to be paid monthly to a "data operator".

It's like Christmas in June for the citizens of Delhi.

Meanwhile, the government also promises to one day complete the Delhi State Cancer Institute which was supposed to be actually operational by 2006. Hey, at least they almost got it's website to work. The real thing will follow soon. Progress takes time, ya know.

Oh, and the government also wanted to open a super-hospital for liver treatment sometime in this decade. They even interviewed people for it last year. So what, eh? Cheer up. Most people with liver problems are alcoholics anyway. And they can follow former prime minister VP Singh's example and get treated on taxpayer's expense in London. You can make a vacation out of it. In the mornings they can dilate your liver and in the evenings you can have tea and scones with the Queen in the Buckingham Palace Gardens while the Duke and Prince Harry shout racist abuses at you.

Oh, and don't forget grandmother CM's crowning achievement. A BRT corridor which has actually caused more problems then it has attempted to fix. In fact, some say that it outlived it's usefulness even before it was built. However, as per grandma, that's just media generated talk. The Chief Minister even drove through the corridor during non-peak hours when there was mild traffic to prove that it works. Even if in reality it doesn't work anywhere in the world. If Sheila Dikshit says it does, than it does. She's very Chuck Norris about these things.

Even though this might seem like the government's flipping you the bird and pointing at you & laughing while simultaneously chanting "Gotcha for a third time, you stupid suckers!" over and over again, it's a show of appreciation.

As the great decider of democracy once said, ". . . fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again".

For the first time, India has extended a helping hand to China by participating in its poverty-alleviation project by setting up a state-of-the-art training-cum-information centre for thousands of farmers in a relatively backward and mountainous northwestern region.

For all those people who doubted that this government will be all about reforms for rich people who eat out of plates made of gold, I bet you're eating your own words right now.

This government is all about the common man. So what if that common man is in China?

It's the thought that counts.

Our governments concern for the poor is priceless.

For everything else, there is Mastercard.

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In other good news, the Indian National Congress (Indira) has decided to do away with all feudal titles.

Yay! Get your parent's bell-bottom trousers out of mothballs, people, the 50's are here again.

More than six decades after Independence and over three decades after the government abolished privy purses and privileges, the Congress has decided to turn royalty into aam aadmi.

“The party has decided to strike off all feudal titles (against the name of Congressmen and women) from its records at all levels,” party leader Janardhan Dwivedi said.

Excuse me for a minute, sir. Shouldn't you have done this, uuuumm, I don't know, a few DECADES earlier? Wasn't it your party which did away with the privy purse and titles and other ancient shit all the while stressing that everyone's equal now?

So does this finally mean that you won't nominate your leaders and the seats won't directly pass on from parent to child as if a birthright? Does this mean that you would do away with actual feudalism?

Janardhan Dwivedi, however, admitted it was an “indirect suggestion” made to the leaders not to use such prefixes and suffixes, such as Rajkumar, Nizam, Nawab, Sadr-e-riyasaat or Mahant.

Oh cognitive dissonance, you can be such a motherfucker!

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Our national airline, the Maharaja of the skies, the kohinoor of our aviation industry . . . Actually, it can't be the kohinoor because that would mean that the British would steal it from us again. Anyways, the non-kohinoor of our aviation sector is going bust. It asked it's workforce to keep doing the work but to wait a few weeks before cashing the salary cheque. Or, in some cases, not even getting the cheque at all.

So, the employees decided that since no one wants to pay them, they'll go on a strike. Hey, the best way to stop someone from bleeding is to take his heart out so that no blood is manufactured in the body in the first place.

Sounds like a great idea to me.

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Speaking of people with great ideas, last week I had lost my mind and was channel surfing the news channels. I happen to land on a ongoing debate about how having the IPL a few days before the world cup was against our national interest.

Huh?

What national interest?

Do we need our cricket players to defend us against an invasion of spin ballers? Have the Taliban suddenly started training it's henchmen on throwing grenades like a yorker? Is the police going to suddenly promote people on the basis of how many catches they take? Is our missile defence system going to be based on how many missiles Sachin Tendulkar can deflect while piloting around a bat-shaped plane?

Okay. Admittedly, the last one would be a cool thing to witness.

However, if anyone believes that people play professional cricket because they want to serve the country then (a) What are you smoking? and (b) If it is that good, please give me the number of your drug dealer because mine was just deported to Nigeria.

Thanks.

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So according to research done by someone who was supposed to write an advert to sell artificial sweetener, (a copywriter with a conscience. A rather rare breed these days.) it appears that artificial sweeteners kind of kill your brain and turn you psychotic.

I always thought how an artificial sweetener could describe itself as "natural".

And this does explain a a lot of things about me.

I know it's harmful, but I always tend to use an artificial sweetener for my coffee whenever I have it along with a vanilla-brownie combo which is extravagantly dipped in chocolate syrup.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Unless of course you're in India. Then there are only two types of consequences. Either the country is royally fucked or painfully screwed.

Anyways, Iran had elections last week. Now, usually Iran doesn't really feature in conversations which aren't about the upcoming global apocalypse. And having President Nutjob running his mouth at every opportunity has made matters worse. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has all the bigotry of Ann Coulter combined with the wit and charm of Dick Cheney. So the people of Iran agreed with the rest of the world and wanted to see this guy go back where he came from so that he could spend the rest of his days hurling abuses at the Jews and homosexuals in obscurity. So he decided to rig the vote, pull out a number from his ass and declare himself President-elect.

But the cable news channels in India seems to have abandoned the story. Hey, some people from Bombay handing out home-made trophies at a big do in Macau and manufacturing news about how everybody hates Dhoni again is more important. Meanwhile Willow Palin (only someone who hates their child would name them Willow) secretly prays that she is taken away by Social Services so that she may be able to escape the pathological woman people say is her mother.

However, there are still some journalists in Iran who are doing excellent work in brining this story to the rest of the world.

No one really knows what is going to happen in Iran. But one thing is clear that this revolution will be live blogged. For more information and up to the minute coverage, check here, here, here and here.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Six weeks ago, a group of brave men and women dressed like men set sail from the New York Harbour. The purpose of this important, difficult and treacherous voyage was to find and reach the East Indies and deliver a letter to the leader of the people of the East Indies. Not just any letter. A letter from the President of the United States of America. The letter contained a message of peace and was written with the purpose of establishing a treaty of cooperation and friendship between the two countries.

The brave crew of the ship, three of whom were thrown overboard by a white supremacist from the continent of Australia who then himself died of gonorrhoea, dodged thunderstorms, hunger, even fought off pirates who were led by a clever man called Jack Sparrow and finally arrived at their destination a week ago. From the coast they were flown into the capital city by a genie and his magic carpet. They sought an audience with Queen Sonia. They were granted an audience with the Queen's Prime Minister, who met the emissaries of the American President at high noon and they handed over the handwritten letter to him. In return, the Prime Minister gave them an aphrodisiac made from the blood of seven dragons and an instruction guide on yoga written by one a member of the Rajasthan Royal family, Shilpam Shetty, to be presented to the President upon their return. As local officials explained to them, that is how the people of the East Indies start a friendship.

The merry band of visitors even crossed the bridge of dangerous serpents and went to meet scary old Uncle Grumpus.

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Okay, I might have exaggerated a little, but c'mon. Really, Mr President? A letter?

Are you telling us that the recession has hit the United States so bad that you can't even afford an international fax anymore? Are you telling us that instead of Harrison Ford's plane from Air Force One, you now use Harrison Ford's plane from Six Days Seven Nights?

What's wrong with you, Barry?

I would have gone on, but government officials in my country send each other telegrams. What can a brother do?

He might have called customer support for his computer one time and he must have faced this:

Thank you for calling ***** *****. All of our operators are currently serving other customers. Please stay on the line for the next available customer service representative. [Really Crappy Company Jingle] We apologize for the delay. Please continue to hold and a representative will be with you shortly. We appreciate your patience. [Really Crappy Company Jingle] Thank you for holding. Please continue to hold. [Really Crappy Company Jingle] Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Your call is the next call in the queue. [Irritating midi tone of "Summer of '69"] We apologize for the delay. Please continue to hold and a representative will be with you shortly. We appreciate your patience. [Really Crappy Company Jingle] This call maybe recorded for quality control purposes.

And then when he finally reached a customer service representative, the guy took his details, put poor Barry on hold for another half hour and then told him that he needs to buy a new computer.

I'll tell you the same thing I told a kid whose bike I ran over: Shit happens, get over it.

And some people were pulling for McCain because they thought that if McCain won, then both he and Manmohan Singh can go for a prostate exam together. Those things are really hard and it's comforting to have a friend take it along with you.

Also, the Palins with their hundred kids and knocked up daughter kind of reminds us of the families portrayed on our television. Tee Hee.

However, please remember that there were some of us who were on your side.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Elections have consequences. Sometimes, even for those who treat the country as their own private backyard.

It appears that when Mr Laloo Yadav was Railways Minister, there was some land allotted to two of his relatives. Afterwards, the land was acquired back by the government for construction of a railway station.

When any land is acquired by the government, the person who owns the land is supposed to receive a fair compensation in lieu of the attached property.

So basically, the government gave away the land. After a few months it realized that it was a dumb thing to do and it actually needs the land. So it did the brilliant thing and BOUGHT back the land. Of course, an alternate route was a strict no-no.

I'm sure Mr Yadav being the railways minister had nothing to do with this "transaction" at all. I'm sure that it is simply a coincidence. I'm sure that there was no conflict of interest at all.

It can happen to anybody, can't it? I mean don't you remember when you were young you gave away all your toys to a younger cousin of yours and then you realized that you might have also hidden your porn stash in there and so you run to his house to get it back but you find that the little asshole has already discovered it and now you need to pay him off so that he would stay mum about your errr, exotic interests?

Since a new station wagon now runs the Railways Ministry, the new District land acquisition officer has not only cancelled the allotment, but has also asked the relatives of Mr Yadav to return the money.

How do you think it makes Mr Yadav feel? Till a few months ago he had a cabinet berth, a ministry a lot of people crave for and he was regaling students from Ivy league schools with anecdotes about his pet cow(s). And now, no one voted for him, no one wants to give him a ministry anymore and they are even taking back taxpayer's money from his relatives which they will now probably spend to build some railway track in godforsaken West Bengal.

Having dumped his Toyota Innova, leader of the Opposition in the Legislative Council V S Ugrappa is now insisting the government provide him with the same car as the Council Chairman. But the Finance department has not wilted, having flatly refused to give in to the MLC’s demand which, if acceded to, could cost the exchequer – a whopping Rs 25 lakh.

How dare the government expect Mr Ugrappa to ride in a lowly Toyota Innova. How dare they? Do they expect him to ride in just any car? Fat chance of that happening.

Three months back, the finance department approved the high-end Nissan X-Trail car which costs over Rs 25 lakh, for use by the Chairman, Veeranna Mattikatti. At the same time, the department approved the purchase of a Ford Endeavour, that costs around Rs 21 lakh, for Ugrappa’s use.

A ford?

Who do you think Mr Ugarapa is?

A farmer?

Ha!

He is the the leader of the opposition, bitches. If his party had won the elections, he could have almost become the leader of the house. Do you know how much power the leader of a legislative council wields?

No?

Well, me neither.

I'm pretty sure that even the members of the legislative council don't know what they are supposed to be doing. So they all just sit around and talk about cars and cricket.

However, for those haters who doubt Mr Ugarapa's intentions, please be assured that they are nothing less than noble.

When contacted, Ugrappa said he did not make any demand for a particular model of vehicle. “All I want is a diesel car which gives maximum mileage so that I can save on fuel. The Chairman told me that X-Trail Nissan is better and so I asked for it".

Yes. He wants to save the state some money by buying a car worth Rs. 25 Lakh. Isn't the logic obvious to you? Where is your common sense people? Where is it?

I'm sure the farmers in Karnatake who are facing problems with their crops this year would be heartened to know that while they may be starving to death, their elected officials are riding in style.

Also, Mr Ugrappa is fulfilling his part of the bargain by raising issues relevant to the people.

Leader of the Opposition in the Legislative Council, V S Ugrappa, on Friday took the BJP government to task for showing scant regard to protocol and democratic traditions.

Speaking to reporters, Ugrappa said even though he had been the Leader of the Opposition for the last one year, the government had so far not allotted him a house. Moreover, he had been provided with an “old car.” “I have brought the matter to the notice of the chief minister. But so far, no action has been taken. I am of the firm belief that the government is showing disregard with a malafide intention,” he remarked.

Ugrappa also alleged that contrary to protocol, the government was deliberately avoiding carrying his name in the invitations of various official programmes. “For example in the invitations printed for the death anniversary programme of late Devaraj Urs, which falls on June 6, only the names of the CM and the chief secretary have been printed,” he noted.

Errr, okay. He is raising issues which are not relevant to anyone besides himself. Still. He's people too. Well, barely.

After all the Karnataka government is out to get him because:

The government has publicly said it would follow austere measures in the wake of global recession.

So how is the government fulfilling it's promise?

The chief minister is entitled to use a car worth Rs 21 lakh, while the Cabinet ministers are allowed to purchase vehicles that are half the price. Opposition leaders, who enjoy Cabinet rank, are allowed to replace their vehicles after they run 1 lakh kilometres. But the rules were recently relaxed in the case of Opposition leader in the Assembly, who was provided with a CRV Honda costing Rs 21 lakh. Chief Minister Yeddyurappa too uses the same model and his Cabinet colleagues are driven around in Toyota Innovas.

If this isn't proof of the government's commitment to austerity, I don't know what is.

As the fellow once said, if you wish to be a success in this world, promise everything and deliver nothing.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

. . . or maybe it's the cricket? Who knows, really? I think it's all a plot to get me to hit the bottle early in the morning. That's funny. I was doing it voluntarily anyway.

We all know about the recent turn of events in Australia. Now, according to The Hindu, someone torched an Indian student's car last night.

Alright. We all agree that sucks. But, something in the middle of this article made me lose all sympathy for this fella.

Vikrant Rajesh Ratan, 22, told police that his car and two other cars belonging to Indians in the apartment complex where he lives were burnt by some drug addicts whom he had refused to give money. "They asked me for money, but I refused them. Next night they burnt my car because of that," Ratan told a news channel.

He said there were 40 Indians living in his area and "we are all toppers".

Really? Toppers? ALL of you?

What does this have to do with anything at all? So the single largest achievement of your life can be summed up in half a sentence? In your opinion, should normal rules of society not apply to you because you are toppers? In your obviously einsteinesque opinion, what other privileges should people like you enjoy? If you murder someone, should you be exempt from being arrested because you are a topper? Should you receive oxygen from nature BEFORE any other lesser human beings who have not ever been in any honour roll have sullied it with their lowly nostrils? Should people bow down and break into an appreciative dance everytime you pass them by? Should the Sun call you in the morning everyday and rise from whichever direction you deem appropriate? Should the government mandate that every fair maiden and/or handsome young man in the kingdom offer you their young, nubile bodies in recognition of your great "service" to society?

There is only one thing you can say to such people: Maccaca, please!

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Our country has had it's fair share of great writers and thinkers who have arguably left their imprints on global literature. Rabindranath Tagore, Amratya Sen, Salman Rushdie, Jhumpa Lahri, Arvind Adiga, Arunadhiti Roy etc.

Now, add another name to that illustrious list.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the latest literally genius to come from this great land of ours.

Who is this wondrous creator of such masterful prose?

Little Ms. Rubina Ali.

Yes.

That Rubina Ali.

Who became an unhealthy worldwide obsession thanks to a movie which almost didn't get released.

Yes. She has a book deal. Probably does not know how to read and write, but she is going to be a published author. Hey, it didn't stop Shobhaaa De, so it should not stop lil' Rubina.

Anyways, she is going to write about her eventful life spanning the long period of nine years.

In the book, she reveals hitherto unknown facts about her life.

Did you know that she climbed Mt, Everest, swam the english channel and went to the moon and came back ALL in one single day which also happened to be her seventh birthday?

Or that the Dalai Lama constantly calls her to seek her counsel?

The book is tentatively titled I'm never going away no matter how much you try. Or maybe not.

________________________

Speaking of things that won't go away, the millionth word to be inducted into the Oxford English dictionary might be either Jai Ho or Chuddies.

Wonderful. With the elections and the US National spelling bee over and done with, our news channels have something during the summer which they can obsess over and squeal just like a thirteen year old girl does when she sees the Jonas brothers.

Other words in the list include Chengguan, which is what one of my former co-workers used to call chewing gum, Phelpsian, which means being a success in what you do despite smoking a bong every now and then and Mobama, which refers to all the people who have a man-crush on Obama.

Okay, fine. Click here for the real meaning of these words. Be a bitch about it.

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Twitter went live about three years ago. So now that it's jumped the shark because everyone from Ashton Kutcher to Oprah is using it, our news media finally discovers it. But what's not surprising is that it's discovery follows the usual dose of horrible puns and bollywood conspiracy theories.

Some officer concerned with the profitability of the Railways asked a few trains not to stop everytime someone gets up to take a leak. This didn't go well with some people, and they did the obvious, normal, rational thing. They burnt down the f'king train. Because that's what you do in this country when you want to bully the government. Get together a few dozen people who like to destroy stuff to compensate for being emasculated by their wives , have some masala chai and then burn down something which the government paid for with taxpayer money. Some people might have a legitimate concern but going from Level 1 to Level lets-burn-the-fucker-down is just plain stupid. Or incredibly brilliant. Depends on whether you're reading Ayn Rand or Paulo Cohelo.

I know laws don't matter a lot in Bihar but let's make a new one. Anyone who burns trains or destroys public property actually does not get their demands met. This is the easiest way for anyone to force the government to do anything. Oh, I'm sorry, We already have such a law. It's the government's responsibility to protect our national property. It's our taxes we which pay for this. Letting these people go scot free encourages everyone else to do that too. In fact, that's what LAWS are for. If we really had a government which put country before petty regional politics, they would have said NO. People can be heard out and if their concerns are legitimate, they can be addressed. But not this way. Alas, since our government thinks that the taxpayer's money is their dowry stash, they magnanimously "forgive" these people. And then they lean back in their taxpayer funded chair while staying in their taxpayer funded house while being cooled by their taxpayer funded air conditioner. Then they go on television and dismiss the concerns of the taxpaying public as "elitist" opinions.

Gee, what does one have to do to knock some sense into these people?

Burn a train or something?

_______________________

India is about to get it's first woman speaker. The soft-spoken and former daughter of deputy PM Jagjivan Ram. [Note: The post of deputy PM is not of much consequence. It does not come with any real powers and is basically used to assuage huge egos. It's just like the head of the UN.]

I'd like to know whose brilliant idea this was? Has anyone heard Meira Kumar speak? One has to put the volume on max just to see her lips move. This time if any members of the lok sabha are gathered at the well of the house, they won't be protesting, they would be trying to HEAR the speaker. Her appointment is going to be like a stimulus package for the hearing aid industry.

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Now that a new era of governance is upon us, India re-learns the fact that the Pakistani establishment is not serious about combating terror.

Really? What tipped you off, genius? Is it the fact that they still consider the Taliban which is TAKING OVER their country a strategic asset? Or the fact that the United States had to literally bribe the Pakistani Army to take on insurgents in their OWN country and protect the very people they are supposed to serve?

No, seriously. I'm curious to know what would make you believe that the Pakistani establishment would put an end to it's only export.

______________________

Two people returning from a vacation from the US bought along with them shares of general motors, an unlicensed gun, umpteen boxes of Ferrero rocher to gift to their relatives at every occasion and the dreaded pig virus which might or might not kill us all. Sounds like a really fun trip.

______________________

Laloo continues to be rejected by the people of Bihar, the people in Tripura are sick of the left, and Karunanidhi is to celebrate his birthday along with all his hundred wives and five thousand children. I wonder how Karunanidhi's family ever organises a surprise party? Do they all get together in a large stadium or an empty planet or something?

Monday, June 1, 2009

A member of the Christian Taliban kills pro-abortion doctor. [WaPost] Other alleged accomplices include television blowhard and voracious consumer of m'fuckin Ice Tea, Bill O' Reily. [Salon]. Meanwhile, this still hasn't given other anti-abortion wingnuts any pause. [FoxNews].

The guy who is always wrong about everything wants the US to start a nuclear war in the Korea Peninsula. [Media Matters]

Staying on the subject of crazy republicans, Nancy Regan still receives twitter updates from her late husband. [Vanity Fair] Although, Paul Krugman won't be on crazy first lady's christmas card list this year. [NYT]

US Treasury Secretary tries to suck up to the Chinese, and they laugh at him and pee on his face. [BBC]

President Obama wants bankrupt American giant GM to morph into a new, improved company with the help of laundered US taxpayer money and make fuel-efficient cars which James Bond would also love to use. [DetFrePress]

Apple is doing what it does best; making hapless customers pay for the same thing twice. [CRN] This is why God is slowly killing you, Steve Jobs.

Frumpy Hyacinth Bucket clone Susan Boyle is busy crossing off the list of all the steps required for reaching superstardom. Be a "wronged" underdog. Check. Throw your weight around and abuse the paparazzi. Check. Visit a mental health clinic. Check. Congratulations, Ms Boyle. You're now the Amy Winehouse for senior citizens. Just do a jingle for Ben Gay and you're golden, girl.

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