All Articles Tagged "relationships"

Y’all know we love Kim Coles around here. She’s been the homie in our head since her “In Living Color” days and she solidified the spot playing the quirky and kind-hearted Synclaire James. So I and then we, when I shared the news with the other MN editors, were elated to learn that Ms. Coles recently got engaged to Reggie Mckiver, a holistic health expert.

Heeeeey!

Coles made the announcement on her Facebook page.

We really are happy for not only her but the women who will be encouraged by her story. Most of y’all reading this are women, so I don’t have to tell you about the pressure our mothers, our society and even we ourselves put on being married and having kids. And to do it all by 30. But bayybee (in my Mo’Nique preaching voice) there is no time limit to love. And if we all could just get to the mental space where we’re blocking out all the unnecessary (and generally unhelpful) noise about how we should lead our distinctly unique lives, perhaps we’d find they’d be filled with a lot less anxiety about things we really have little control over in the first place.

“I want to tell you how he found me. I got real focused on what I wanted in my personal life and the type of man I wanted to spend my life with. I like to have this conversation around finding your GPS or engaging your GPS, your divine GPS…I’ve made it mean something completely different. Gratitude, passion and success… See last year, I got really focused on the destination I wanted to have in my personal life. And by being really focused with that and setting my destination in that place, I was able to be in alignment with the man who showed up and the man who said I’m there too and I want that too…

I’m telling you I am beating every statistic. I am 53 years old and we are not supposed to get married after what 20, 25, 30 maybe? Yeah… that’s not true. I don’t follow any of those rules. I’ve never thought any of those rules applied to me and those rules don’t apply to you either.”

Kim goes on to say that she’s teaching a course on how to align yourself to get what you want out of life. And without having taken the course and having just read a bit about it, I can gather that she doesn’t mean looking and searching for a man, putting all your energy into the hunt; but rather making sure that you are the type of person you’re looking for. So if and when the man you desire presents himself, you’ll be ready, willing and able to receive love in a very healthy way.

We’ve heard this advice before. Like attracts like. Love yourself first and then love will enter your life. And admittedly, sometimes it sounds cliche and oversimplified. But it also makes a lot of sense too.

When you focus on working on yourself first, timelines become obsolete. How long does it take a person to love him or herself? It depends. Putting the goal or quest of finding romantic love in the context of finding and loving yourself first, gives us a much longer time frame to get it right.

So again, congratulations to Kim Coles and hopefully her story can and will be used to inspire some of us all.

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For most people, the idea of being either single or celibate are worse things in the world. They automatically assume they will enter a boring, loveless, unentertaining world. However for me, it has been one of the best decisions I could ever make.

Now, let me say this first, I am in no way a sexual connoisseur nor have I been around multiple blocks. However, I’ve had two long term boyfriends during and after college, that I probably should have made short term. These two relationships, left me feeling completely exhausted.

The highs and lows of dating someone, can be pretty draining when you’re not in the right relationship. So, after finally ending the last one, I decided to take a break. At the tender age of 25, yes I said the tender age of 25, I felt like I needed to honestly, to find myself.

Most women my age, are beyond pressed to find a significant other before it gets too late. Not me, I needed a break. I wanted to find myself, figure out what I like, what I dislike, and just have some fun.

So I embarked on my journey. During the past year or so, I saw tremendous change. I spent more time with my family and friends. I discovered I LOVE sleeping alone and the perks of being celibate. My visits to the doctor weren’t filled with “well, I may have missed the pill once” and I knew mother nature would be on time every single month.

It also made dating so much easier. It took a lot of the pressure off dating, and made it fun again. I also felt my spirit lighten when it came to men. I could careless if he was chasing after me for my cookie because I knew it was locked up in a box and buried in the Pacific Ocean.

However, despite the ups, it did have some lows. At some points, I did feel like I was missing out on something. While, all of my girlfriends were sharing their escapades, I would just sit and wonder if I was stopping myself from enjoying my youth.

It also made me feel somewhat lonely at some points. But despite those lows, I got more highs. I focused so much more on my career, marked somethings off my vision board and learned the joys of being alone. (Now, when people are in my personal space for more than 3 days, I start to get antsy)

Being both celibate and single aren’t as bad as I thought it would be. I’ve learned to love my mind, body and spirit so much more.

I’m sure I’m not alone in these thoughts, have you ever been celibate?

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It’s friends versus boos on this week’s episode of “Breaking The Code.” MadameNoire’s editors and the fellas of MTV’s “Guy Code” speak on whether you should remain friends with an ex, if it’s cool for your partner to remain friends with someone who habitually cheats on their partner, and the age-old question of whether you should tell a friend he/she is being cheated on. Watch and weigh in in the comments section.

There’s this scene in Brown Sugar where Kelby Dawson and Sydney Shaw make their way down the Brooklyn promenade, after dinner. (An area that’s always been super, erm, Starbucksy.)

The minute I saw the background behind their kiss, I knew instantly where they were. My mother took me to the promenade as a child and pointed out the buildings across the water, telling me the history behind each one. Although I knew nothing of romance then, I knew that I wanted to be there, in that kind of moment or in that physical space, with someone special.

I was infatuated with the perfect timing of everything. The passersby that walked around the pair, the twinkle of the city lights, the corny lines, and the unexpected kiss.

I’d imagine prospective dates this way. I’d dwell on notions of light pecks, hand holding, and love taps. I knew exactly what I was going to say, tried to guess how’d he’d respond, and have it all worked out before the doorbell rung.

Unfortunately, the doorbell, for Christopher and I, was a ringtone meant for him. Chris had asked me to come and see him, but he hadn’t brought it up since. Maybe he’d just been in the moment.

We’d spent three months digitally conversing, with a few phone-calls in between. I’d try to prompt his excitement, to see where he felt like we were.

“I think I’m going to have to come to DC for business in a few days.”

He’d answer nonchalantly, “Oh really? Dope. Where are you staying?”

I mistook this as a soon-to-be invite, “Not sure yet. I’ve got family and friends out there. I might get a hotel. I’m still thinking about it.”

“Hmmm…doesn’t your ex live here too? I hope you’re not staying with him

Christopher was so concerned about who I was hanging with and where I’d been, but he seemed to be feigning interest when it came to us being together. He was downright confusing.

Just as I was almost finished with his weirdness, the videos began. I was sitting at work, when one popped up on my phone. It was him, alone in a bathroom, doing his fraternity’s stroll to music. I started laughing so loud I had to cover my mouth, so my colleagues wouldn’t hear.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t used to seeing a stroll. I went to an HBCU and I’d rushed my ass to the side plenty of times, to avoid getting stomped out by some Timberland boots. It was just that it was the first time I’d ever seen someone doing it alone, in a room, on video. At the end of the 2 minutes of what-the-hell-did-I-just-watch, he leaned into the camera, put two fingers on his lips, and made those same two fingers kiss the screen, while he said, “I hope you liked that, baby.”

Wow.

Edwin would not stop popping up. Before we’d officially met, I’d never seen him on the scene. Suddenly, he was in all my hangout spots. He was front row at the Nuyorican Poets Cafe, performing background for one of his friends, at SOBs Sol Village and on his laptop at my favorite coffee spot. The third time I saw him, he finally sensed that I was avoiding him with a rushed hello.

He followed me outside and took my latte from my hand. He also took a bag of new books I had in my other hand.

“I got it. I only live a few blocks away.”

He smiled, “I know. I want to help though.”

“You just want to know where I live.”

He snickered, “Scouts honor. I swear that’s not my intention.”

I looked him up and down, as we walked. He was all cozy in an expensive wool navy blue trench coat and earmuffs. His bright red Jordans, that stuck out from his khakis, were the only clue that he was a true Canarsie boy.

He asked again, “So, are you gonna let me cook for you?”

I used the only kind-of honest excuse I had, “I’m seeing someone.”

“Really? Who?”

“He’s from DC. He’s cool.”

“Are you seeing someone or are you Skyping someone?”

He started laughing at his own joke and I walked faster, hoping he’d trip or something. There was truth to his commentary and I was annoyed he was right.

I gave in, “Fine, but I want seafood.”

He frowned, “I’m allergic.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I guess whatever you’d like to make is fine.”

He smiled, “I’m not allergic, but I’m glad I finally got you to give in to something. Won’t be the last time.”

He handed me my latte and bag, touched my cheek, and made his way back towards the cafe. I watched his red shoes disappear and made my way home.

Trey had become inconsistent.

Other than the random script update in my email, I hadn’t had a real conversation since we went out salsa dancing.

I text him one night, to find out what was going on.

“Someone’s been MIA lately.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve just been busy with work and other things.”

I wondered what these other things were. He was speaking the language of disinterest and if that was the case…he needed to be gone, so I could pull someone else on to the roster.

I asked, “So when am I going to see you again?”

I regretted it the minute I pressed send. I hated prompting visits. I wanted to feel wanted. Don’t we all? This type of vulnerability was never easy for me and it didn’t matter how old I got…it never became easier.

He answered an hour later; “We can go over the last few pages of the script later this week.”

I rolled my eyes. One second we were “dating” and the next we were all business. Just as I was about to respond, there was a knock on my front door.

I looked through the keyhole to see a fuming Marsha. Lord. What did I do now?

I answered and she stormed right by me and straight to my living room. I followed her.

“Hello to you too.”

“You said you weren’t going to date him!”

“Who?

“Don’t play stupid, America! Edwin!”

She was calling me by my full first name. I knew she meant business.

“I’m not. I saw him at a café earlier and…”

“You saw him? I didn’t even know that. He just sent me this text!”

She handed me her phone:

“Listen, I think you’re great, but I’m really into your friend. I’ve always just been a friend to you. Don’t have her thinking that it’s something more than it is. Please?”

I couldn’t hide the shock on my face.

She caught it, “You’re into him, aren’t you?”

I sat down on the sofa, “Yes, I am. He’s a nice guy. You’re talking to so many guys. You didn’t want him.”

“Fine. Enjoy. Have fun. I’ll talk to you later.”

She left as quickly as she’d come.

Everything wasn’t fine. It was clear that she was pissed and she didn’t want me having fun at all.

Perfect timing.

It’s something we all want, but it’s a rarity.

I visit the promenade often. I think about the years I spent writing on its benches and running on its pavement with friends. I yearn for a day where I’ll walk and witness the other side of the city with someone that finds me as beautiful as it is, at night.

But I’m learning that what you imagine isn’t promised. In fact, it’s usually exactly the opposite. The best things usually come along unexpectedly, out of sync, when we assume we don’t have the time.

I wondered if Trey, Christopher, or Edwin was this unforeseen thing. And then I decided that it was best not to wonder at all.

Rivaflowz is an educator and freelance writer, living in New York. You can read her first dating series “In The Meantime” and her fiction, at Rivaflowz.com.

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Ladies, now that spring has sprung, do you find yourself itching to break out of that cuffing season hibernation? Are you currently in a relationship that has gone on for a while with no proposal in sight? If you find yourself in that situation, you may be going through a myriad of emotions, wondering “Does he want to marry me or not?”

As someone who used to be single and dating, I had to look in the mirror and ask myself, seriously, what I was ready to do to take my relationship to the next level. Could I handle the responsibility that came with holding, not only someone’s heart, but their life, in my hands? Would I be able to have the strength to side away from the ratchetness that has seemingly gripped the nation to be dedicated to this person?

How can you separate the weak-kneed playa mentality from the true man of your dreams? Well, whether you’re single, dating, on the prowl, or in a committed relationship, here are some very helpful signs that will better help you weed out the trill from the real.

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Isn’t it funny how people are desperate for you to do what they want, but if you resist, you’re the most horrible person in the world?

I love the concept of saving money which is why I try to do so as much as possible for my family to cut costs. I’ll clip coupons, buy off season and use flash sale deals just as fast as anyone else you know. That doesn’t mean I want to take your secondhand items all the time. Am I a horrible person for not doing so?

All of us buy used at some point in our lives. It’s only inevitable. Whether it’s a car, a house or college textbooks, there are certain things that just seem more economical when they’re aren’t spanking fresh.

Like many folks, I scan my home each season for items we no longer use. Rather than have them collect dust and take up space, I pack them up for a trip to a local drop-off center that accepts lightly-used goods. I get the importance of paying it forward and giving back. Not everyone is fortunate enough to buy things new–or wants to for that matter. In the same breath, that doesn’t automatically mean that I myself will take everything a friend or family member no longer wants because they’re trying to make room for newer items of their own.

Can you believe someone had the nerve to call me “bougie” because I said no thanks to their child’s old clothes? Okay.

I try my best not to let things upset me, but this one did. Yes I am pregnant and due in a couple months. Yes I do need to stock up on some infant items, but guess what: I had a child last year! There are tons of hand-me-down items our newest addition (another boy) will receive because they were barely used (or never even worn) by his older brother. When I say I’m good with most of my needs, I’m not lying, but don’t think it’s fair I’m labeled “bougie” because of my desire to purchase a few extra items. Is the money coming out of your pocket or somehow taking away from your table? I don’t think so.

Perhaps there’s a bigger issue at hand with this particular friend; I would’ve never expected such a reaction. She never offered anything to me when I was pregnant with my first child, so I don’t understand what’s the big deal now. Who knows, maybe she needs a hug. Or an Olivia Pope-sized glass of wine.

I think it’s important for all of us to pay attention to our good deeds and the intention behind them. If you’re giving to give, there should be no strings attached or hard feelings if a person doesn’t want to accept. It doesn’t mean they’re evil or hate what you have. Maybe they actually have things covered and don’t feel any additional items would get the proper use they deserve.

I personally never trying to force anything I have on someone else. Sure I’ll give a heads up if I plan to give something away, but who am I to say “Hey, you should have this and really need to take it?”

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As cuffing season is about to come to a close, and Valentine’s Day just whisked by (I hardly even noticed!) the thought of relationships is still at the forefront of some folks’ minds. But relationships are more about timing and knowing when you’re not ready to get back on that dating horse. So here are some signs to assess if you’re up for the task.