Woman Devastated by Milky Tea Discovery

A woman in Donegal has been left devastated by the discovery of her husband’s depraved tea habits.

Josephine McDaid of Bundoran, Co.Donegal, says she was left “confused and scared” last Tuesday morning, after finding a cup of cold, obscenely milky tea on her husband’s bedside table. Mrs.McDaid, who had been on a trip to the Canary Islands with her sister, decided to come home early and surprise her husband, who will remain nameless for privacy reasons. On returning to the house, Josephine found her husband to be absent, with only the cup of tea containing what Josephine describes as “enough dairy to send anyone lactose intolerant to A&E with a case of the explosive shits” to suggest he had ever been there at all.

A tearful Josephine recalls the moment she confronted her husband: “He came home and I showed him what I’d found. He tried to deny it, of course. Tried to tell me he was cheating on me with his secretary, that it was her tea that she’d left there. But I knew.” She continues to sob, “It’s just… you think you know someone. You’re in a loving, committed relationship. And then, you find out they’re the kind of sick fuck that makes tea the colour of an albino mole rat.” At this, she gestures that she needs a moment.

Josephine’s husband says that while he’s ashamed of his actions, “you can only hide your true self for so long.” When asked why he chose to make perfectly good cups of tea into such a horrid concoction, he claimed that “It’s just the way I am… it’s been like this since I was a small. I remember my parents would gasp and gag at the amount of milk I put in my tea, friends too. I’d get made fun of in school. But I just didn’t care. If it doesn’t taste like I’m drinking the tea from a Barry’s-infused cow udder, then I won’t drink it.”

A neighbour of the McDaid’s, Carol McKenna, 86, says “Aye, I always knew there was something quare about that fella. I’d offer him tea whenever he cut the grass for me, or helped clean out the spare bedroom. I used to wonder why he’d always refuse. Then, I started noticing that he’d eat the Bounties out of the box of Celebrations, even if the good ones were still left- Maltesers, Snickers and all like.” When shown a photo depicting the extent to which her neighbour’s tea would be milky, Mrs.McKenna’s face drained of colour – she was left speechless.

When reviewed by experts, Mr. McDaid’s tea was shown on average to consist of a whopping 51% milk content, well-over the socially acceptable 15-20% of the average Irish tea drinker. Though many would be left shocked by this disgraceful abuse of dairy products and creation of a tea that is abhorrent to both the eye and the taste buds, experts at Queens University Belfast say that this proclivity towards excessively milky tea is more common than we think. Studies suggest that nearly 1 in 10 Irish people make tea with a 30%+ milk content when alone. “Disgusting, but true,” says Dr. Neasa Ormond, leader of the study currently being conducted on the tea drinking habits of Irish citizens.

It doesn’t seem as though there is much we can do to help these poor souls to cure them of their ways, with even social exclusion and shame seeming to have little to no effect on milky tea drinkers. They are a head-strong sort, with no amount of ‘you’re so mank’, succeeding in deterring them from their ways. This warrants a certain respect, and perhaps as a nation we are entering an era when we must ask ourselves who the ‘mank’ ones truly are.