Friday, October 31, 2008

Friday, October 17, 2008

I have been blessed to have never had a close friend of mine pass away. I know it will happen one day, but I have been lucky so far. However, I have lost quite a few fuzzy friends this year and the pain is the same. Most recently is my friend Weber who passed away from liver cancer. His parents are my dear friends Tim and Ron. He was a sweet old man. I always loved to watch him while visiting. He would get up periodically throughout the night and "make the rounds" -- getting head scratches and loving from everyone in the room; one person at a time. I remember having to encourage him to eat while babysitting. I stood in the kitchen gushing "good boy" every time he put his head down to eat. If I stopped, he would look up at me and and ask why I wasn't calling him a good boy anymore. He was so proud of himself for being a good boy. I will miss him dreadfully and I wish I could take some of the pain away that my friends are feeling. But I can't. All I can do is encourage them that they made the right decision and that Weber will always be in our hearts.

My sister has had to bury 2 dogs this year. The first was my friend Max (not pictured) who I didn't have the pleasure of knowing for very long. He struggled bravely for a long time with cancer and was eventually put out of pain by his doctor. A few months ago, my oldest friend Samson passed away too. He is the yellow lab above. He developed bloat that took him very abruptly and cruelly. I remember getting ready to leave my home town many years ago. Sam and his sister Jayme were staying with my parents. I was not looking forward to returning to Columbus and sat there with Sam, crying and telling him all about my fears. He was very supportive and listening intently. I knew in my heart he was truly listening. He was a goofball and a super sweetheart and I miss him too very, very much.

I have a bad habit when I drive. No, I don't chat on the phone or text message. I look too much in my rearview mirror. I don't know why, but I seem to spend more time worried about what is going on behind me than what is going on before me. I worry if someone is tailgating me, if I have my music on too loud and can't hear the cop behind me, or if something exciting is going on that I am missing.

No matter how hard I try to break myself of this habit, I can't seem to shake it. I realized the other day, that my rearview mirror is an odd analogy for my life. I spend too much time thinking about what happened in my past, that I forget where I am going. I drive on automatic pilot, which is how I live my life -- just exsisting, not really driving. Why should I worry if someone it tailgating me? They can go around. Yet, the little girl inside me is hearing some bully yelling "hey, speed up fatty! You are so slow, you are taking up the whole highway!"

I have made a concious decision to try and not spend so much time looking in my rearview and only doing so in a normal and safe driving context. However, I am having the hardest time breaking myself of this. I try to live my life and not let the pains of the past hinder me, yet I am still stuck with those voices in my head. I just find it interesting how something as mundane as driving can really reflect much larger things. I am trying to take this analogy to heart and learn from it ... but I see things so much clearer once they are in my rearview mirror.

I took a drive todayTime to emancipateI guess it was the beatings made me wiseBut I'm not about to give thanks or apologizeI couldn't breathe holdin' me downHand on my face kissin' the groundEnmity gauged united by fear'Posed to endure what I could not forgive...

I seem to look awayWounds in the mirror wavedIt wasn't my surface most defiledHead at your feet fool to your crownFist on my plate, swallowed it downEnmity gauged, united by fearTried to endure what I could not forgive

Saw thingsClearerOnce you, were in my...Rearview mirror...

I gather speed from you fucking with meOnce and for all I'm far awayI hardly believe, finally the shades...are raised...hey...

Saturday, October 11, 2008

So I have been battling my Thyroid for many, many years. Every 6 months I have to get my blood checked to see what my levels are at. Sometimes they are too high and sometimes they are too low. If your thyroid is too high, you have hypothyroidism which means your body runs really fucking slow. Too low, vise versa. Normal thyroid levels are between 0.5-5.5. My recent levels? 10.5. NO WONDER I CAN BARELY BRING MYSELF TO GET OUT OF BED EVERYDAY!! My doctor has given up on trying to level my thyroid out. I have been seeing her for about 6 years, and my previous doctor also tried to "fix me" for a few years before her. My doctor wants to check my levels again in 2 months and send me to an endocrinologist. My fear is that if medication doesn't work, they may need to remove my thyroid all together.

Along with my thyroid being too high, comes high cholesterol. My physician told me that my cholesterol is probably elevated due to my thyorid, I guess they go hand in hand. All this news is making me feel very .... fat.

I was always a healthy fat woman, and I truly believe you can be a big girl and be healthy at the same time. People have proven it time and again. Fat doesn't always = unhealthy. However, the past few years have been creeping up on me. My heart palpatations are increasing in frequency, my blood pressure is going up, and now my cholesterol. I guess it is time to try to lose some weight again, or go to more extreme measures like surgery to help my body. UGH!!

Thursday, October 09, 2008

About Me

I am a 31 year old single big beautiful woman. I came from a small town to the big city to attend Ohio State University and get my culture on. I graduated with a degree in Women's Studies which means I am now doomed to a life of customer service work - which I tend to loathe, Hence the "Bitter" part. You can e-mail me at lothiantook@yahoo.com