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We are often driven by core values or inner experiences that may have little to do with what it looks like on the surface. Often the most insignificant seeming goal or behavior is connected to a deeper longing within us. We have been conditioned to believe that our keys to fulfillment, loving, and abundance comes from outside of ourselves. That we have to do or possess certain things in order for us to attain them. Or, that we must have approval, attention, achievement in order to be worthy, okay, safe. So, we go about doing and seeking other things as the way to have these inner experiences. We may hear ourselves say, “when I lose weight, get into a relationship, make more money,” then I’ll be (okay, safe, worthy, loveable, etc)

If they don’t come about in the way we expect, we often go into judgment of ourselves or the other person or situation. So, we may get discouraged and believe we’re not worthy, or increase these seeking behaviors, almost out of a sense of desperation, in order to have this inner experience.

Another way of understanding what we’re truly seeking is looking at behaviors we do over and over that we’re not happy about. Behind even our most frustrating or self-destructive patterns of behavior, there is a positive intention. Meaning that there is a part of us that is wanting something from us or for us with this behavior, and is doing the only thing it knows how in order to get it. Let’s suppose when we were age 3, we learned that if we threw a tantrum, we got what we wanted, felt in control, or got people to listen to us.

Sound familiar?

Some people never grow out of this, and this pattern gets conditioned in their unconscious and triggered whenever they feel helpless or not heard. So, in that moment, they become that 3 year old, seeking to be heard and feel in control, and doing the only thing they know to get that. Just so we don’t get into judgment of “those people”, we all operate from areas of our unconscious more often then we realize. We all get triggered into unresourceful patterns. Maybe it’s procrastination, addictions, taking responsibility for others, controlling, etc. All those behaviors we swear we’re never going to do again and then do, and then judge ourselves and lock in that pattern. Instead of judging or shaming ourselves out of this behavior, the more effective and loving thing to do is look at what the behavior is doing for us.

What is the positive intention that part that creates this behavior is seeking?

There is a process in NLP (neuro linguistic programming) called Core Transformation. In this process, the practitioner helps the person identify the core value by asking, “And what will having that or doing that get for you that’s even better?” This question is repeated over and over until the person gets to the core value of this behavior or outcome and is able to experience that fully. The original limiting behavior or belief can begin to be transformed, as that desired inner experience can be attained directly.

So, in both the cases of outcomes we want and behaviors we want to avoid, we can begin to go to a deeper level of awareness in order to transform our lives, and open up to what has been there all along. We can ask ourselves, “What will having this or doing this get for me that’s even better?” And then open up to that energy. When we move through the layers of what it is we’re seeking, we can “cut out the middle man” and move right into that experience. Then we’re going through life from a place of wholeness, attracting people and situations from that inner experience, instead of seeking these things from a place of lack.

On one level we seek love, acceptance, validation that we’re okay. And, we often seek this love and sense of being okay from people and situations outside of ourselves. However, on the Soul level, we know we already are and have all that we’re seeking. We are Divine. The Soul remembers and keeps that memory alive in us, bringing forward experiences to help us awaken.

What would it be like if we allowed ourselves to just “Be” in each situation. To allow ourselves to be the Love and Joy that we’re seeking. To know that our sense of safety comes from within. And that who we truly are is not defined by what we do or possess. To take the next step into whatever Spirit has placed in front of us from a place of Soul awareness?

This article is associated with the August 2010 issue of Metro Magazine