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Saturday, January 02, 2010

I'm Tired of Him

I'm tired of the X. How he has the ability to break me. To make me feel so sad, so upset, to make me cry. I've become so emotional. I want to respect his wishes but his wishes come at the cost of my happiness of my love. He broke up with ME! He controlled that moment. I tried to break things off with him before and he said NO.. He controlled that moment. I want to see someone I've fallen for ( the sad coincidence I tell him is that he's a friend of his. ) and he says NO. He is controlling this moment. Even though we aren't together anymore. This is so stupid.

I fell for his friend because of all the little things that the X never showed me. Qualities of a man I really want to be with. Qualities he lacked.

I feel like just cutting my losses. Because I've become so emotionally drained from crying here and there. I should simply let them have their friendship. ( and the face-friendship that me and the X seem to only have now ) I will remove myself from the picture. Suck up the pieces of my broken heart and sacrifice my chance at happiness with one of the greatest guys I've ever come to know. The truth is every time I am with DC he surprises me with the little things he says or does. I some how like him more and more. I realized this as I was with him last during new years. Which makes letting him go harder and harder. When I was seeing other guys, I would think of DC. When I was with DC, I thought of NO ONE ELSE. I didn't even want to talk about the X, but there were somethings I did want to know. But saying his name in the presence of DC made me feel like someone was scratching nails on a chalk board. I hated it. When I'm with DC I never want him to see me as his friends X. Just a girl. Cause I'm not the same girl that my X went out with. I'm weaker and at the same time stronger, I'm now different. I have more worries, more goals, more growth. I see DC as just a guy. A great guy. A great guy that I want to be my great guy. I thought to myself once if I had to describe him in one sentence. This is what I ended up with, He has become my longest thought.

It's hard to find someone you want to love. It's even harder to have found them and let them go. You know what. I don't want to, a part of me can't, I'll regret not knowing, not loving.
My X has his new girlfriend now and is happier now. I wish him well. I keep wondering is it that hard for him to wish me well? regardless who it is that makes me happy. Does my X hate me? so much so he can't see me, doesn't want to see me???