Mahky Mahk’s endoahsin a new prawduct!

Shortly after I reported on Mark Wahlberg’s restaurant venture, Wahlburgers, and Hanson’s beer, MMMhop, I expressed a desire to one day be able to subsist solely on celebrity pun food. If it’s not already possible, that dream creeps even closer to becoming reality today, as GNC has announced that they’re partnering with Mark Wahlberg (seen above on the set of Michael Bay’s Pain and Gain — almost certainly taking something a lot stronger than protein powder), on a line of supplements called “MARKED.”

GNC Holdings, Inc. (NYSE: GNC), the nation’s largest specialty retailer of health and wellness products, is proud to announce a partnership with Academy Award-nominated actor/producer Mark Wahlberg to develop, market and sell MARKED, a new nutritional supplement line designed to meet the demanding lifestyles of active, results-driven fitness consumers who want to get the most out of their workout and improve overall health.

The MARKED line – consisting of seven sports and active nutrition products – was designed by leading GNC scientists and wellness experts in partnership with Wahlberg. The products are free of banned substances and are based on cutting edge nutritional science and the highest quality ingredients to deliver optimal performance and results. [PRNewswire]

“POW! Hi, I’m Mahk Wahlberg. You might remembah me from that time I fingah banged Reese Withahspoon awn a rollah coastah. HEY DAWNNY! WHAT WAS THAT FACKIN’ MOVIE CAWLLED AGAIN? Right, Feah. You might remembah me from fingah banging Reese Withahspoon in Feah. Anyway, awbviously I’m one of the most wicked swoll actahs in Hawllywood, and as soon as those cawksuckahs at the Oscahs staht a categawry fa most hawseshoe-shaped triceps I’ll prawbly win every yeah. I put in countless houahs a hahd work on this bawdy, doing thousands a preachah curls and nawt jerkin awff, but now it’s time fa me to give back. Fa rinstance, why can’t you, the cawmmon, blue cawllah hahd on, get massive striated pectawral muscles like me, a famous movie stah? Now, with MAHKED protein supplements and chawclit-flavahed mass gainah, you can. I personally worked with some of GNC’s most queah scientists, along with the most trusted membahs of the Mahky Mahk Awntourage, including Squeezebawx, Dozah, Vinny the Guinea, Harelip Johnny, Chawlie, Black Chawlie, Roostah, Ass Gasket, Snawtlips, The Lizzid, Meat Fahts, and Lahdass Tawmmy to create the finest line of nutritional prawducts west of Doahchestah. Because here at MAHKED protein supplements and chawclit-flavahed mass gainah headquartahs, we believe one thing: that 9/11 woulda nevah happened if moah people were as jacked as me, Mahky Mahk Wahlberg. Buy my mass gainah today and help stawp the terrahrists. Available at yoah nearest gook shawpkeepah’s. POW!”

“POW! Hi, I’m Mahk Wahlberg. You might remembah me and moy ahms from that time I chased Jeff Goldbum and those queeyah kids around in the rain. HEY DAWNNY! WHAT WAS THAT FACKIN’ MOVIE CAWLLED AGAIN? Right, J’rassic Pahk…”

Wahlberg isn’t just about nutritional supplements and wicked delicious burgah meals. Now you too can start your day off right with the new fiber-rich müsli, Mahky Mahk’s Chunky Crunch. Feel it! Feel it!