Children Who Snore Grow Up to Be Crazy

Have you ever looked in on your beautiful child slumbering and heard him or her "snoring?" Sorry to tell you this, but. Your kid will be all fucked up (psychologically).

We can say this with certitude due to recent scientific findings that link snoring among children to those same children being all fucked up in the head. Specifically, "children with breathing issues during sleep were between 40% and 100% more likely to develop 'neurobehavioural problems' by the age of seven." "Neurobehavioral problems" is a polite way of saying "hyperactivity or anxiety or depression or some other brain shit that will make your child so absolutely unbearable that you'll pine for the days when you only had their ceaseless, chainsaw-like snoring to worry about."

Should you just go ahead and put your snoring child out of his or her misery, as a preventative measure? I don't know for sure if we're allowed to say that in this space, hypothetically, but I'll check with the lawyer, for a reason that may or may not have to do with finding out if we can advise you to do so, should such a thing be necessary, although we're not saying it is. Nor are we ruling it out.