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Domineering Mother Keeps Her Son On A Short Leash

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend "Alex's" mom is the most controlling person I have ever encountered. We only get to see each other on weekends because he lives an hour away from me. When we do see each other, it's for one-third of the day. Alex has to spend the other two-thirds with her. I'm 22 and he is 21.

He is also not allowed to stay with me. Alex has to lie to her about where he's staying in order to be able to spend time with me. His mom has added a feature to his cellphone in order to see where he is 24/7, and would cancel his service if he refused it.

I love my boyfriend unconditionally, but his mom is driving us both crazy and turning our relationship into a trio. We have tried getting her to back off, but it just makes her worse. I am at a loss as to what to do. What do you think we should do? -- EXTREMELY WORRIED IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR EXTREMELY WORRIED: Frankly, you should be worried. Your boyfriend is an adult who seems to be firmly under his mother's thumb. He is completely dependent. At 21, Alex's activities should not be monitored, nor should he be spending two-thirds of his day with his mother. If nothing else, he should be looking for a job so he can sever the umbilical cord before it strangles him. You can't fix this. He has to do it.

DEAR ABBY: My former roommate and I took a short trip to Florida. We agreed we would split the hotel costs. I'd reserve the room; she would reimburse me after the trip.

She paid me a month later, and I deposited her check as soon as I could get to my bank, which was three weeks later. When the check went through, she attacked me because she said it drained her account! I apologized, but told her I was upset that she was making it seem like it was my fault.

I think that if someone is low on funds, the person should be more diligent in balancing his or her checkbook. Had I known she had money problems, I would have waited to deposit her check. It has been months, and my once best friend still won't speak to me. Was I wrong? -- AT FAULT? IN KENTUCKY

DEAR AT FAULT?: No, you were not. It was your friend's responsibility to make sure there were enough funds in her account to cover the check she gave you. She may be embarrassed, which is why she doesn't want to talk to you. People who are angry at themselves sometimes blame others. It's a sign of immaturity.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Kristen" for seven months. She is great as far as personality, physical chemistry, similar likes and dislikes, and patience go. She is almost everything I have ever wanted in a girl. However, I have never called her "beautiful," although she has made a couple of "fishing" comments to try to get me to say it. In my eyes, that would be a lie.

Kristen is attractive, but not beautiful. I have always thought that anyone I'm planning on spending the rest of my life with would be "beautiful" to me, and I'd let her know accordingly. I can't discuss this with family or friends because I'm afraid they will think I'm shallow. Your thoughts? -- NOT SHALLOW IN PHOENIX

DEAR NOT SHALLOW: Candidly, I think that in spite of all of her wonderful qualities, Kristen is not "the one" for you. And you are not "the one" for her because what she needs is validation you can't give her. Women need to feel beautiful in the eyes of the men they love, and because you plan to spend your life with someone who is beautiful "to you," you should both move on.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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