Hi guys! Sorry it's been so long since the last part. I've been super busy recently. But now vacation's started, and for that you get a free part three! See, that even rhymed. So let's get this started. The sporkers this time are:

- "Geez, I was feeling pretty great about not coming here recently too…"

- "Nick? Is that you? The real one!?"

- "Oh joy. Back to this travesty again."

- "…"

Now, let's start!

Spoiler:

[……………WE ARE CURRENTLY NOT AVAILABLE TODAY. SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.]

Maya: Whoa, what happened to the narrator?

Edgeworth: My guess is that he's temporarily gone on a holiday of some sort.

Phoenix: Yeah, probably. Though why were we even brought here in that case?

Edgeworth: What, you thought they'd let us off as well? Wright, you seriously underestimate the sadists that comprise the management of this godforsaken theatre.

Phoenix: Yeah, fair enough…

Maya: Nick! Where've you been all this time, though?!

Phoenix: What do you mean where have I been? In the office, where else?

Maya: You weren't here last time! Instead, your baby counterpart was!

Phoenix: …They brought in a toddler as a sporker?

Maya: No, no, your college self!

Phoenix: …Are you kidding me?!

Maya: Yeah, that's what I was thinking too, Nick! The guy was here forever. I'd missed the old you for so long till now!

Phoenix: It was pretty tricky, but in the end, I somehow got him acquitted, yeah.

Maya: No thanks to that stupid so-called "Ace Detective". What a total jerk he was! And a murderer!

Phoenix: Anyway, who threatened you to come here? The Management?

Ron: Not just the Management! The CEO!

Edgeworth: CEO?

Ron: Y-yeah… Mr. Bullard!

Maya: Say WHAT?!

Phoenix: But he's DEAD!

Ron: T-then what about this letter I got from him?!

Edgeworth: Hmm? Let me see that.

Maya: Well? What does it say?

Edgeworth: …"If you don't want your true identity revealed to the world, come to…" And below is the address of the Sporking Theatre as well as the date and time to arrive. Same as ours. Then after that is written "If you don't, I'll take that red diamond you receivedthe other day instead."

Ron: S-see? Now you understand, right?

Phoenix: Uh…not exactly. This is the exact same format as your old blackmail letters, which anyone could've copied.

Luke: Zvarri! Before my elegant eyes I see four people, all but one peerless professionals in their far reaching fields- An Ace Attorney, a Proud Prosecutor, a Shady Spirit Medium and a Talentless Thief! Am I right, or am I right?

Maya: S-shady?! I'll show you Shady, you Jigantic Jerk!

Phoenix: …Maya, 'gigantic' begins with a g, not a j.

Ron: PLEASE DON'T INSULT MEEEEEEEEEE!

Edgeworth: So who are you, exactly?

Luke: Aha! So the brave barrister asks! Who am I, indeed? Truly, that is a question for the ages? Am I an illusion of the eye, or a mirage of the mind?

Luke: I am not, Sir Lawyer! As you can tell by now, nobody else is present in this theatre, not even your beloved narrator. They have tired of your boisterousness, leaving on what they hope to be a happy holiday. And who else would fit the bill for their replacement, but me, Luke Atmey, Ace Substitute Management? I must admit, they seem to have good tastes in-

Phoenix: Weren't you sent to a mental institute?

Luke: …I do not wish to speak of those days.

Edgeworth: Yes, well, even if you do not "wish" to do so, this is heavily illegal. I'm afraid I-

Luke: Oho! Sir Edgeworth, you think it would be so easy to escape? Nay, the Management has already taken care to prevent any sort of escapades here. As such, your phones will not receive any signal within this establishment, and all exits have been entirely sealed.

Maya: …Including the front door?

Luke: Eh? Yes, especially the front door. Leaving that of all things open would be entirely idiotic and whoever would do such a thing is an absolute idiot.

Phoenix: … (Yeah, they were a real idiot.)

Luke: But enough chatting! Let us take our seats, shall we?

Maya: Nick, I dunno about this. The guy's a straight up killer!

Luke: My fair lady, I would never lay a finger on a lady, or a gent.

Ron: W-what about me? And Mr. Bullard?

Luke: Calling you both 'gents' would be an affront to the very definition of the word, Mr. DeLite. Isn't that obvious enough?

Ron: B-but why aren't I a gent?

Edgeworth: Hmph. Can we get this over with, already?

Luke: Agreed, Sir Edgeworth! Three, two, one…start! *snaps finger*

Quote:

Loving a Bloodsucker

Chapter 6: Chatting with A Blood Sucker

Phoenix: Wait, chapter six? I've missed out on a lot, apparently.

Luke: Ah, of course. My apologies, Sir Lawyer. Here, I shall hand you over a copy of the script.

Phoenix: …

Maya: Well, Nick?

Phoenix: *throws script away*

Maya: What? Done already?

Phoenix: I stopped when my eyes got to 'vampire'.

Edgeworth: Anyway, Mr. Atmey, am I to assume you'll be staying with us?

Luke: Of course, Sir Edgeworth! While I could huddle behind a speaker and communicate with you as a disembodied voice, where's the fun in such things? There is only one of me, Luke Atmey! Speakers would only but diminish my presence!

Ron: I-I don't like being here with you…

Quote:

For all you Rabbit lovers I have freed him however he was mauled by a pack of demonic rabid wolverines so… yeah…

Anyway I feel a lot better after hearing your reviews here's another chapter!

Maya: Nooooo! Not the rabbit!

Phoenix: …Rabbit? What rabbit? What does this have to do with anything?

Edgeworth: Nothing that's worth remotely caring about.

Quote:

It was a hot scorching day. The day that Phoenix was finally let out of the hospital. The blood transfusion had been a success. He was wheeled out of the hospital feeling happy that he was free.

Iris was happy as well. She still felt guilty however but a bit relieved that Phoenix was healthy.

Ron: W-wait…who's Iris? Is she your wife, Mr. Wright?

Phoenix: Erm, no. It's a bit of a long story, though.

Luke: I must admit, Sir Lawyer, that I hadn't known that you were such an Ace Romantic in your college days.

Maya: Oh yeah?! Well, we didn't know you were such an Ace JERK in your college days!

Luke: …I was the Vice President of the Boxing Club, thank you very much.

Phoenix: (Well, that got him on the ropes nicely, at least.) So why did I need a blood transfusion in the first place?

Edgeworth: Because Dahlia, who is also a vampire as well as Iris's split personality locked away behind a necklace called a Rosario became angry at the fact that you, a human, was getting far too close to her vampire sister who also happens to be royalty and injured you fatally by clawing your neck.

Phoenix: …I shouldn't have asked.

Quote:

They celebrated by going out for smoothies that day. Phoenix ordered a grape flavored smoothie and Iris ordered a cherry and they sat down happily sipping their smoothies.

"It's so hot… why did this heat wave come now? I could be resting in my air condition room at the hospital" Phoenix said wiping of the sweat from his head.

"Well I'm glad that you're out of the hospital Feenie" Iris said smiling.

Phoenix blushed at the mention of "Feenie".

Phoenix: Not this again!

Maya: What, Feenie? What's wrong with this nickname?

Phoenix: Everything.

Edgeworth: *groan* I had honestly forgotten about the lack of proper punctuation in this fic.

Luke: My, Sir Edgeworth! I knew that you were a peerless prosecutor, but not such a perfectionist for punctuation!

Ron: No, no! You have to do it like this. *ahem* PLEASE DON'T IRRITATE MEEEEEEE!

Phoenix: Aaah, my ears!

Luke: Are you quite done, my good man?

Quote:

"Ever since that transfusion I've felt a little strange"

Iris tilted her head confused. "Really? What feels strange?"

"Well I just feel a bit stronger than usual" he said rubbing his arm.

"Well it is vampire blood it's more efficient than human blood maybe that's why" she replied then taking another sip of her smoothie.

Ron: V-vampire blood?

Phoenix: Why would our different blood types even be compatible?!

Maya: Nick, I'm pretty sure half of that blood has been sucked from you. So, you're like part of her now.

Ron: O-oh gosh, that's pretty scary.

Phoenix: *groan*

Luke: Tsk, tsk, Sir Lawyer. It isn't like you to lose your composure so early.

Edgeworth: Yes, save it, Wright. This is just the start.

Maya: Aw, I wanted to try and persuade you about vampire rights, too!

Phoenix: … (Nah, shouldn't ask. Already getting a headache as it is.)

Quote:

Phoenix then felt a sharp pain in his neck. He brought his arm to his neck and felt the scar that Dahlia left.

Then her words echoed in his head.

"If anything is to happen between you and my sister their will be more blood than just your neck".

Phoenix remembered how serious the look in her face was when she said it. He was stuck between two options he didn't want. Leave Iris and stay out of her life or stay with Iris and get another serious injury. He also remembered that she said Dahlia was falling for him. He didn't want to leave her if she had feelings for him.

Phoenix: Uh, what?

Ron: I-I don't really get it…

Edgeworth: Dahlia was falling for him? That's strange, considering everything before this says the exact opposite.

Maya: I think the author's starting to lose track of their own fic!

Luke: Alas, this flummoxing fanfiction befuddles all! That is the extent of its power!

Phoenix: Yeah, this is still far from the worst we've had to witness, though.

Quote:

He sighed and took another sip of his smoothie.

"Something wrong Feenie?" Iris asked.

"It's nothing Iris it's just remembered something" he lied. He didn't want Iris to worry anymore than she already was. So he moved to a different topic.

Edgeworth: "It's just remembered something"? What, you mean the smoothie?

Luke: Ah, smoothies. That reminds me of when I was an Ace Detective. I was in a café most similar to this, taking a break from my most magnificent duty, when I noticed something peculiar. My eyes immediately focused upon it, and therein I learnt the terrible taxing tragedy of that unfortunate place! Zvarri! The truth, as always, elegantly revealed itself to me!

Edgeworth: What was this 'truth', exactly?

Luke: They did not serve chocolate flavoured smoothies!

Everyone: …

Phoenix: Let's just move on.

Maya: Good idea, Nick.

Quote:

"So Iris you never told me you were royalty why keep it a secret?" Phoenix asked.

Iris sighed. "I'd rather not talk about it"

"Why not? I think it's an interesting fact" Phoenix nudged.

"I just don't like talking about" she said shyly.

Phoenix: What would she even be? Princess of Kurain?

Maya: Nah, probably the Queen of Vampireville or something.

Phoenix: …Oh right, I keep forgetting that she's a vampire.

Ron: H-how come, Mr. Wright? It's been mentioned a lot so far.

Phoenix: I kinda just block it out of my memory after I hear it. Coincidentally, that's also what I'll be doing with this fic when it's over.

Edgeworth: Agreed.

Quote:

"C'mon Rissy you can tell it's not a big secret anymore" Phoenix teased.

Phoenix: R-rissy?

Maya: What can I say, Nick? You're bad at nicknames.

Ron: No, no, I get it! It's kinda like 'Dessie', isn't it?

Phoenix: (…To be fair, that is something I probably would've called her in college if she wasn't posing as Dahlia.)

Quote:

Iris blushed at the mentioning of Rissy. "Fine I'll tell you why. It's because I was afraid that you would like me for my royalty not for who I am"

Phoenix held her shoulder. "Oh Iris I like you for who you are, the question is do you like me or do you like my because of my blood?" Phoenix teased.

Iris pouted. "I like your blood but that's not the reason I like you"

Phoenix: Wait, she likes my blood? How would she…?

Edgeworth: In case you've blocked it out of your mind already, Wright, I'll remind you that Iris is a vampire.

Phoenix: B-but why would she suck my blood?!

Maya: Pfft, she's been doing that since the start.

Ron: Really?

Phoenix: How has it taken me five chapters to get to the hospital?!

Edgeworth: That's exactly what I was exclaiming the entire time.

Luke: Alas, Sir Lawyer, such laughably lamentable logic is merely the hallmark of this entire work of…'fiction'.

Quote:

Phoenix chuckled a bit and then sipped more of his smoothie. "Do vampires like hot weather?" he asked.

Iris felt a bit unease. "Sorry Feenie I already read this book" she said handing the book back to Phoenix.

Phoenix: "A bit unease", huh? Wonder why?

Edgeworth: I quite like the look of utter disdain on the face of the actress playing Iris.

Maya: Much to her chagrin, right?

Phoenix: …Maya, maybe you should join the Berry Big Circus. I heard Moe's looking for an extra clown.

Quote:

"Oh well now I can read it. So don't tell me anything" he said smiling.

Luke: Yes well, I doubt she will, but not in the same fashion you're thinking off.

Maya: How many more minutes till the breakup, you guys?

Phoenix: Probably five.

Quote:

A few minutes passed as they continued to sip the smoothies. Iris after awhile then spoke up with a sad tone.

"Um Feenie I don't think we should see each other" she said looking down.

Phoenix: Knew it.

Maya: That was the equivalent of showing an African American a copy of Tintin in the Congo! Of course it won't end well, you bozo!

Edgeworth: I will admit, I was expecting it to occur sooner.

Quote:

Phoenix's heart sank. "Why Iris what's wrong!?" he asked frantically.

Maya: You really have to ask that, Feenie?

Phoenix: Stop calling me that!

Maya: But he's not you!

Quote:

"I'm sorry Feenie but I don't want you to get hurt it for the best" she said not looking at him.

"But Iris it was an accident I'm alive aren't I!?"

Edgeworth: Oh, never mind. Apparently the actual reason was for the near-death experience that Dahlia made him go through.

Maya: Eh, I like my theory better.

Quote:

"But I'm afraid next time it could be worse I'm sorry Feenie but…

Phoenix then pulled Iris close to him. Iris looked into his eyes filled with passion.

Ron: Er, they forgot to close the quote marks.

Maya: Does that mean Iris has become the narrator now?!

Phoenix: Nah, Iris would narrate less…badly. Or more likely plain out refuse.

Quote:

"Iris I don't want you to leave me and I now you feel the same way. It will be fine I promise" Phoenix said.

Iris looked at dreamily and leaned forward.

"I'm sorry about this Feenie…"

Phoenix at first thought she said that because she was still going to leave him but he felt relieved and hurt after he could feel Iris's teeth dig into his neck.

Ron: Aaah! She's eating him!

Phoenix: Great, then. Kill me off so we can leave.

Luke: If that were possible, Sir Lawyer, this rubbish you call fiction would have ended straight from the get-go.

Quote:

"Hey! I just got out of the hospital for blood loss I don't want to go back to soon!" he cried.

Maya: Too bad, Feenie!

Phoenix: But I'm a lawyer! I can't keep going back there like that! I can sue her!

Maya: What is a lawyer? A miserable pile of contradictions!

Phoenix: …Really, Maya?

Quote:

Boy it must suck having your blood sucked out after going to the hospital for blood lose because your blood is sucked over and over again. I find it funny however.

Ron: I don't think so! That's disgusting!

Phoenix: Oh, so is this the author then? That means the chapter is over now, right?

Edgeworth: I disagree with the author heavily on one crucial point.

Maya: Which is?

Edgeworth: This was never funny.

Quote:

I can't blackmail you with the rabbit now so I'm going to blackmail you with myself. HAHA I'm hanging myself over a pit of blood thirsty piranhas and typing upsidedown unless you want this story to fail I suggest to review and YES IM INSANE

Edgeworth: Well then, my choice is appar-

Luke: Sir Edgeworth, I do believe that threats towards the author like that are against the rules of the theatre.

Edgeworth: …

Luke: In any case, this heinous chapter has finally ended.

Phoenix: Oh, thank goodness! Now we can finally go h-

Luke: So now, let the next one begin?

Phoenix: …Heck.

Maya: What, Nick? You did say you wanted this to be over as fast as possible!

Phoenix: Believe me, you're free to have them as far as I'm concerned.

Quote:

Still hanging over that pit of piranhas a bit bored and INSANE! So to cure it I'm making another chapter. Got this idea from TV to what would people write without TV's?

Ron: I think they may very well be insane.

Phoenix: Do I even need to say anything about how dumb this is?

Edgeworth: No.

Quote:

It had been another hot day. The sun scorching across Phoenix's face as he waited for Iris. When Iris did show up she wasn't wearing her normal outfit. She was wearing a purple T-shirt and a purple skirt. Phoenix thought that she looked cute in the new outfit.

"Do you like me new outfit?" Iris asked shyly.

Edgeworth: "'Yes', the new outfit replied. 'I do indeed like you, Iris.'" For goodness' sake, how do you even confuse 'me' and 'my'?!

Phoenix: That's a pretty silly mistake to make even for what we usually see here.

Quote:

"I think you look very cute in that outfit Iris" he replied.

Iris blushed and smacked him playfully on his back. Not realizing she was using her vampire strength.

Phoenix: Wait, vampire strength?

Maya: Yeah, don't you know, Nick? Iris is totally a hulk under there! That's a trait of vampires, so watch out! Get distracted for a second and she could kick your butt!

Phoenix: I was more concerned about why that was a 'vampire' trait, but sure.

Quote:

"Yeowch! That hurt. You need to watch when that" Phoenix said rubbing his back.

Phoenix: Uh…you done talking, me?

Edgeworth: This is just the incomplete nature of the author, Wright. Pay it no mind.

Quote:

"Oh sorry Feenie" Iris apologized.

"Oh it's no problem… Phoenix's eyes slowly shifted towards Iris's chest. Her sweat had made her T-shirt stick to her skin.

Phoenix blushed at the sight.

Ron: Huh? Mr. Wright!?

Maya: WHAT?! Nick, you perv!

Phoenix: Ow! Why'd you slap me?!

Edgeworth: That was hardly gentlemanly of you, Wright. I'm shocked.

Luke: Indeed, Sir Lawyer. I'd have thought you would be more respectful towards a lady.

Phoenix: That isn't even me up there! Why are you guys all picking on me?!

Quote:

"Um Feenie you ok?" she asked.

Phoenix quickly diverted his attention back to Iris.

"Ok let me just get my water bottle" he said reaching for his bottle.

Iris shivered. "Um Feenie promise me you wont spray that at me"

Phoenix: Water? Is this a new vampire thing now?

Ron: Well, this one time I accidentally sprayed some water at Dessie. She was furious at me for ruining her dress!

Phoenix: Er, sorry to hear that, I guess.

Quote:

"Why something wrong with water?" he asked.

"It's just that vampires are weakened by pure water" she replied.

"But you have a water bottle to"

Edgeworth: Too.

Phoenix: Why pure water specifically? Also, do they not need water to survive if they're just like us humans?

Maya: Nah, Nick. They need blood to survive. Speaking of which, would you like some O- blood, Mr. Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: No.

Maya: Aw.

Quote:

"Mine has herbs in it it's not pure water" she said.

"I learn something new about vampire's everyday don't I?" he said laughing.

Maya: No, Nick, you don't learn too much about a vampire's everyday, you're just learning more about vampires.

Phoenix: What, so if they add in some herbs it automatically doesn't weaken them?

Edgeworth: That's just the inane logic of the author.

Luke: For once, the author isn't pulling this out of thin air. To quote the Japanese cartoon this was based on-

Maya: Hey! Anime isn't just cartoon!

Luke: …Moving on, the official source says that, "Due to water's purifying properties, it is the Vampire's greatest weakness as it disrupts their yoki channeling ability to the point where they cannot summon up their usual battle strength, and delivers a shock to the physical body upon contact not unlike being struck by an electrical current. To get around this, Vampires uses blended herbs and mixtures to dilute the water to a usable level for baths and cooking."

Phoenix: What?

Edgeworth: I presume this has something to do with the property of 'holy water'?

Phoenix and Iris took a nice walk through People Park. They took a break halfway to rest.

"Man this heat is killing me!" Phoenix said. Wiping the sweat off his face.

"It's abnormally hot today as well Feenie" Iris said fanning herself. Iris then drank some of her herbal water.

"Hey can I try some?" Phoenix asked.

"Sure" Iris said giving her water bottle to Phoenix.

Phoenix: I don't even get it. Why do we go to People Park of all places on such a hot day? We should just stay in an air conditioned room or something.

Luke: Ah, People Park. One of the places in my life which truly enlightened me on what it really means to be an Ace Detective. Three years back, that man truly helped me realise who I was meant to be.

Maya: What man?

Luke: The man who sold me that book, "How to be an Ace Detective 101".

Ron: Really?

Phoenix: That explains a lot, actually.

Edgeworth: Indeed, it does. I do believe that the truth has "elegantly revealed itself to me" now, Mr. Atmey.

Luke: Whatever do you mean, Mr. Edgeworth?

Quote:

Phoenix air sipped the water after tasting a few drops he started crying.

"Feenie are you ok!?" she asked rushing to Phoenix.

"I-It's so good!" he said crying.

Maya: Geez, I knew Feenie was a crybaby, but not this much of one.

Phoenix: This is overexaggerating my wimpiness. Somehow.

Quote:

Iris gave a sigh of relief. "Oh it's just an old water recipe" she said.

"We should start walking again" Phoenix insisted.

Phoenix started walking but he tripped and ran into Iris. They both teetered into the bushes before they feel. Phoenix was lying on top of Iris.

Phoenix: As well as my clumsiness.

Maya: I dunno, Nick. You can be pretty clumsy at times.

Phoenix: Coming from you? That's pretty hypocritical, Maya.

Quote:

They both blushed deeply. But Iris noticed something was missing. Phoenix noticed Iris's Rosario wasn't on her necklace. Fearing the worse he checked his hand and their it was. Both of them looked at each other awkwardly.

Oh crap! The Rosario! Phoenix thought.

Ron: Wait, what's a rosario again?

Edgeworth: It's Spanish for rosary, and it's a sort of necklace.

Maya: Well, it was a part of the necklace anyway.

Quote:

Iris then began to change her hair, eyes, and most obvious her facial expression.

Phoenix looked down noticing the change and stumbled as to what words to say. "This isn't what it looks like!"

Dahlia gave a blank expression. "Why are you riding on me like that?" she asked clenching her fist.

Ron: Um…this is pretty awkward.

Phoenix: Riding?! What the- OW! What was that for, Maya?!

Maya: Niiick! What's that look on your face supposed to mean??

Luke: Hee hee hee hee… Zvarri! The truth has elegantly revealed itself to me once more! Sir Lawyer, you put up a respectable front for all of your colleagues and friends, but in the end, it is but a front! In the end, your true intentions have made themselves clear!

Phoenix: Look, all I said was 'riding'. Why's everyone ganging up on me again then?!

Maya: You make it too easy!

Quote:

"Please believe me I didn't mean for that to happen it was an accident!" Phoenix pleaded.

Dahlia pushed Phoenix off of her. "What did I say last time?"

"That you would let me live my life with Iris without any harm" Phoenix said joking.

"You think this is a joke!? Just the mere attempt of sex is a punishment of death!" she growled then swung her fist at his face.

Edgeworth: In all honesty, this scenario is extremely contrived, even given the source material.

Phoenix: I'm glad we can agree on that much.

Quote:

Phoenix was able to block it and parry her arm away. He was grateful to have Vampire blood at that moment.

Dahlia then kicked Phoenix in his stomach and then was slashed in his face.

Phoenix was able to hop back and avoid any other beatings but could tell that he was going to get killed if he didn't retaliate. He then spotted the water bottle. He grabbed it and pointed at Dahlia.

"Freeze or I will shoot this water at you!" he said holding the bottle up.

Dahlia kicked him again this time causing him to fall over in pain. "Why do you keep staying with Iris when you will never be with her? She is royalty even if she loves you the family will reject you! You're a waste of life and don't deserve to be alive.

She then bent down to Phoenix's level. "Before you die do you want to know why I'm sealed in a Rosario? I got into some trouble that could have ended Iris's life. Because the family thinks she's the future queen they sealed me so Iris could live normally. I'm not the selfish one she is the who sealed me in this accursed cross!"

Maya: Whoa, backstory time!

Phoenix: That doesn't even make sense. How is Iris the selfish one here? Dahlia herself said she's the one who got into trouble!

Quote:

Phoenix clenched his fist. "Take it back…"

Dahlia kicked him again.

Phoenix started growling gritting his teeth which started to sharpen his eyes changing to a bloody red. Dahlia felt a strange eerie feeling.

"Take it back. You're wrong Iris is an innocent soul!" he growled

Dahlia attempted to punch him but Phoenix slapped her arm away and gave a counter jab to her face. Phoenix then grabbed her neck and lifted her.

Maya: AND NICK MAKES A COMEBACK!

Phoenix: Ahh, ahh! Maya, don't shout into my ears like that!

Ron: This is kind of like a movie, isn't it?

Edgeworth: Yes, except the script could hardly make it on the silver screen unlike most movies.

Phoenix: I dunno, lots of stupid movies make it there.

Edgeworth: Name one.

Maya: Twilight.

Edgeworth: …Conceded.

Luke: I believe that calls for a penalty, then? *snaps finger*

Edgeworth: *penalty* Nngggh! (How did he even do that?!)

Quote:

"Don't ever talk about Iris that way!" he snapped.

Dahlia smirked. "So you're part vampire now? Don't think just because you have my blood you're anything different to me" she kicked his stomach.

Phoenix didn't flinch he simply pulled out the Rosario from his hand and attached it to her necklace. He then slowly put Iris down on her feet.

Maya: And Nick KOs Dahlia, finishing off the match once and for all! Whoop! *waves hands around*

Luke: What are you- Ah! My monocle! What have you done?!

Maya: Yeah, whatever, jerkface. You already look dumb with that nose of yours, so I was only helping you.

Luke: Why youuuuuu! Do you not know who you are talking to?! Doyoureallyunderestimatemygeniuslikeeverybodyelse?!

Maya: Uhhh, Nick? Some help here?

Phoenix: Er, um, well…

Luke: Pah! Fiend! I shall not let go of your slight so easily!

Maya: Aaaaaah! Fine, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Luke: Hmph! Very well, then. Insult me once more, though…

Maya: Yeah, fine, I get it.

Phoenix: Can we move on?

Quote:

Iris eventually came to and was shocked by Phoenix's sudden appearance. "F-Feenie y-you're a-

"Vampire? Yes Iris I'm a half blooded vampire. A half blood prince"

Phoenix: *groan* That was a terrible reference.

Ron: O-oh, like the Harry Potter book, right?

Maya: You've read it?

Ron: Not really. I've only heard of it.

Quote:

Ok total reference to Harry Potter. Yeah Phoenix is now part vampire this is awesome hey if you people could review it would take the stress off of me I'm going to be eaten alive by piranhas but no worries I trust you.

Phoenix: …Well? Shall we review now?

Edgeworth: There's hardly anything of substance to review here! This was just blatant filler, if anything!

Ron: Y-yeah, I didn't really see what the fuss was all about.

Quote:

Oh and if you're confused as to why he's a half blood prince he has half human blood half royal vampire blood so he's a half blooded prince.

Edgeworth: *sigh* We got the reference already. We don't need you to explain it.

Phoenix: I mean, that's pretty unneeded.

Maya: So, like, can we go now?

Luke: Absolutely not!

Maya: Whaaat?! No fair!

Luke: The old Management requested me to finish this entire thing today! So six chapters left to go! We shall go on and on and on! Ahahahahahah!

Maya: You…you jerk!

Luke: …What was that?

Maya: Uh-

Luke: Even after my warning, you still don't stop?! Grrrrrr! I shall not let you off this time, girl! My wrath can't becontainedanylonger! ThistimeIwilldemonstratetoyouthetruerageofagreathiefahahahahaahahaha- OOF! *collapses*

Phoenix: Uh…what just happened?

Edgeworth: It looks to me like something or someone just fell on him from the ceiling…but who?

???: …Ow. Who did I just land on?

Maya: Kay! Is that you?

Kay: Yep, it is! Who's Pinocchio here?

Luke: Arrghh…get off of me! Who are you?!

Kay: Oh, cool! You don't know yet! *ahem* In the darkness of night, when no other bird dares to take flight, one bird-

Edgeworth: Kay, not this again, please.

Kay: Alright, whatever. And that bird is me! Kay Faraday, the modern Yatagarasu!

Luke: Yatagarasu? The self proclaimed 'Great Thief'? Pah! You are but a shadow to the great Mask☆DeMasque!

Phoenix: Yeah, he's kind of the mind behind that guy. He's also the substitute Management so could you restrain him and stop him from continuing this stupid thing?

Kay: Mask☆DeMasque? Oh, not this again. We already dealt with your lame successor anyway, so you shouldn't be that bad. Thankfully I always carry an extra rope on me!

Ron: Successor? I didn't knowI had one…

Kay: Wait, then who's that guy in the Mask☆DeMasque costume?

Maya: He's one of us! Don't mind him. Are you done tying this clown up?

Kay: Yep, just about!

Phoenix: Great, then. Thanks, Kay.

Luke: Ahahaahahahaaha! You think you morons have won so easily? The theatre doors only open at my own will! Who's the tragic clown now?! LukeAtmeyalwayswinsintheend! Ahaahahahaahahaha-oooph! Mph pff mmmmm!

Maya: There we go! That napkin should shut him up.

Kay: So what were you guys watching anyway?

Phoenix: Not like it matters. It's over now anyhow. How did you get inside, though? I thought all the exits were closed.

Edgeworth: Please don't tell me the front doors were unlocked again.

Kay: Nope, but the secret bathroom exit connected to the ceiling was.

Maya: Secret WHAT now?

Luke: Mmph mph maaah! Finally, that accursed cloth is off my mouth!

Kay: What is it now?

Luke: There were bathrooms here?!

Everyone: …

Ron: Uh…you really didn't know?

Maya: Okay, maybe we should put some duct tape on him so he can't say anything dumber.

Luke: No! Cease and desist at onmmpggghhh!

Phoenix: Huh? What's that weird remote that fell out of his pocket?

Kay: Oh, sweet! Is that how the doors are controlled? Lemme press that.

*creak*

Kay: Yep, the doors opened! Let's get outta here, guys!

Phoenix: Sure, but we're also dragging this guy back to the slammer.

Luke: Mmpphhhhh!

Ron: E-erm, I'll be going too. I didn't really get what was happening, but that's alright.

Maya: Bye, Mr. DeLite!

Edgeworth: That was an especially odd episode, but thankfully much shorter.

Miles Edgeworth!Edgeworth: “It’s almost sad how blaise you’ve become about this theatre, Wright.”

Franziska vonKarma!Franziska: *seething with rage*

Wright: “What’s gotten into her? She’s more… infuriated… than usual.”

Speakers: aaaaand… Kay Faraday!Kay: “It’s ‘cause it’s a kinkmeme fic with her as a part of the pair.” *waves script around.*

Edgeworth: “... oh no.”

Speakers: ”Don’t worry, you’re not involved. Neither of you. For once. Anyway, everyone’s here, so let’s get started! Snacks are in the fridge! Home made! I hope you enjoy them.”

Kay: “Snacks? Sweet!”

Wright: (Is it just me or did that last part sound ominous?)

Speakers: ”Rolling in 3… 2… 1…!”

Spoiler:

Quote:

As a car drove through downtown, they were pulled to the side by a man wearing a dark suit and sunglasses. Puzzled, the driver rolled down his window and asked, "What seems to be the problem?"

The man leaned in and said, as if he had rehearsed the line, "I'm very sorry, sir, but the dining establishment Classy Joe's Sports Bar & Grille is full right now and cannot accept any more customers."

"Oh, well, we're not going there, we're just driving through," said the driver.

"Ah, very good," said the man in black, "we just thought it would be polite of us to set up a perimeter in a two-block radius around Classy Joe's to inform any potential customers to not even try to enter. You may go about your business."

Wright: "Oh no, that's not suspicious at all."

Kay: "Honestly? I got pulled over by a strange man in glasses who name dropped a restaurant and told me not to go, that would make me want to go there anyway."

Edgeworth: "Kay, you are not old enough to drive."

Kay: "Yes I am! I'm 17. Either way, my point still stands! Even if I didn’t want to eat there, I’d want to see if they had something important they were protecting!"

Quote:

As the car pulled away, the suited man's walkie-talkie crackled to life, "Arabic Numeral One, this is Roman Numeral One, do you copy? Over."

"Arabic Numeral One, we've been over this, JEEZ. The eagle is the king of all birds just like Shifu is the king of our hearts, over."

Franziska: "Hmph."

Wright: "You aren't even in it yet."

Franziska: "But I will be."

Wright: (She's actually unusually calm...)

Speakers: "Oh, that's because the guards confiscated her whip."

Edgeworth: *pales* "Wh... why would you do that?"

Speakers: "Because."

Kay: “Oh my god, is it wolfman? Are these wolfman’s guys?”

Edgeworth: “If you mean Interpol Agent Shi-long Lang, then yes. I believe they are. And I believe the ship has just become apparent.”

Wright: “... who?”

Edgeworth: “Nevermind, Wright.”

Quote:

"Right, so which bird's the other one? Over."

"She is a dove, Arabic, what else would she be? Over."

"I dunno, Roman, maybe a hawk? Or a whippet? Over."

"A whippet is a type of dog! How are you even so dumb? The eagle and the dove need to get to know each other, so just keep people away from the sports bar, over."

"You mean the 'nest,' over."

"I KNOW WHAT I MEAN! GAWWWWWWWD. Over and out."

Franziska: *slams her chair* “I am a bird of prey if I am anything! Doves, while beautiful, are not worthy of my perfection….”

Wright: “... is that all?”

Speakers: ”Yeah, I was kind of hoping for more out of you.”

Edgeworth: “Then give her back her whip.”

Speakers: ”Fiiine… I was just trying something new.”

*A very distinctive whip falls from the ceiling.*

Franziska: *picks it up energetically*

Phoenix: (Here we go…)

Quote:

Roman Numeral One turned off his walkie-talkie in a huff and peeked out of the kitchen. Shi-Long Lang had already sat down at a table across from Franziska, and they seemed to be getting along well, but Roman Numeral One couldn't hear what they were saying. Luckily, he had a plan. He raised the walkie-talkie to his lips and said, "We're launching Plan Ornithology. Send in Numero Uno and Numerita Una"

Franziska: *Whip cracks with enthusiasm* “It is a reference, Fool! How could you forget?” *whip cracks, flicking Edgeworth’s cheek painfully, “All of Agent Lang’s subordinates count off as 1! Did you not hear them?”

Edgeworth: “What are you talking about?”

Kay: “Oh, I think I know what she’s talking about! Agent Lang cares about his men so much that ‘They are all number 1’”

Wright: “Oh, I get it!”

Quote:

Almost immediately, a man and a woman walked in through the front door of Classy Joe's and were seated next to Franziska and Lang's table. The man wore a suit and had a thin pencil mustache as well as tan lines around his eyes that suggested he usually wore shades. The woman was wearing an evening dress that did not flatter her unusually flat-chested and broad-shouldered figure, and she had bits of dark hair peeking out from underneath a mass of long, blonde hair that appeared to be a wig. They looked deliberately nonchalant as they turned towards the kitchen and began blinking in Morse code, letting Roman Numeral One eavesdrop on the conversation Franziska and Lang were having.

Wright: “... unusually flat chested? Does that mean…?”

Edgeworth: “She may be in drag, she may not be. It isn’t apparent from this description.”

Wright: “No-one is going to comment on the confusing, descriptive run-on sentence?”

Edgeworth: “I acknowledge its existence, and that it could have been better written. However, it is far from the worst sin that this theatre has displayed to us thus far.”

Wright: “Good point.”

Quote:

Lang looked through the menu. "So, Franziska, have you decided what you're going to get yet?"

Franziska paused before answering. "I suppose the salmon. Are you ready to order?"

"Yes, I am, we just need to wait for the w-"

Just then, Roman Numeral One came bustling out of the kitchen, "YES, HELLO, DOES ANYBODY NEED THEIR ORDERS TAKEN? AH, YOU TWO LOOK LIKE YOU'RE READY, AND WHAT WILL THE LADY BE HAVING?"

Wright: “Wow, talk about terrible first dates.”

Franziska: *Whip cracks menacingly* “THIS. IS. NOT. A. DATE. THIS IS A BUSINESS LUNCH, YOU FOOL. IT WOULD NEVER BE ANYTHING ELSE!”

Wright: “OW!” (Methinks the lady protests far too much.)

Franziska: *whip cracks!*

Wright: “AUGH”

Edgeworth: “NGOOOH!“

Wright: “Why did you hit him?”

Kay: *shrugs*

Edgeworth: “.... Let’s just move on.”

Quote:

"I'd like the salmon," said Franziska, "and also a glass of ice water," folding up her menu and handing it to the waiter.

"Ah, the salmon! Excellent!" Roman Numeral One jotted down the order, "And what will the gentleman be having?"

"The ribs look nice," said Shi-Long Lang, "I'll have a half-rack of the babybacks."

Roman Numeral One froze. Shi-Long couldn't eat ribs in front of such a lady on the first date! He'd make a mess of himself and then the woman would no longer love him! For Shi-Long's own good, he must not be allowed to eat ribs.

Franziska: “I would not be so imperfect as to judge a man for his carnivorous tendencies over a business lunch!”

Edgeworth: “It may have been proven that oysters are an aphrodisiac, but that is also not an appropriate thing to say to a customer at a restaurant.”

Wright: “He may not be a waiter but R.N.1 should know better. Doesn’t he know that the more you push two people together, the more they pull apart?”

Edgeworth: “... how do you know this, Wright?”

Wright: “... I plead the fifth.”

Franziska: *anger has slowly been building. Suddenly, it erupts into a flurry of whipping directed at the screen.* “I WOULD NOT CHUCKLE AT SUCH A DISGRACEFUL COMMENT! AGENT LANG WOULD NOT HIRE SUCH INCOMPETENT FOOLS! FOOLISH FOOL OF AN UNDERLING! FOOLISH FOOL OF AN AUTHOR! AUUGH!” *zap!*

Speakers: ”Oh, yeah, I just turned that on. Hang on, adjusting the voltage.”

Quote:

"I'm sorry," said Lang, "but you seem to have the wrong idea about us. We're having a business dinner."

Franziska: “As I told you.” *somewhat frazzled.*

Quote:

"Oh, of course, sir. How silly of me to suggest otherwise." The waiter winked again and waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Kay: “Wait, is he trying to get them together, or hit on Franziska himself?”

Edgeworth: “He’s doing it ineptly, in either case.”

Quote:

"Anyways," said Franziska, "what is happening with the televisions? I would like to see how the game is going, but it doesn't look like you're playing it."

"I'm afraid not, ma'am, instead they are all playing Gone With the Wind, agreed by many to be the greatest romantic film of all time."

"Oh. Well, put on the game. I have a bet with my little brother, he foolishly believes that the Celtics are going to win, and I'd like to know how it's going."

"I'm very sorry, ma'am, but our TV's have all malfunctioned and are stuck on the Gone with the Wind channel."

Wright: “No, no, no. That’s such a terrible, amateur way to do this! It needs to be music! Not movies, not anything that could distract the diners from each other! It needs to be music, romantic music. There’s channels for that!”

Edgeworth: “... again, I ask. Wright, how do you know this?”

Wright: “Again, I plead the fifth.”

Quote:

Franziska raised an eyebrow skeptically.

Wright: “As are we all.”

Kay: “I feel like she’d be doing more than that.”

Franziska: “Yes! I would be whipping those foolish fools until they stopped with their foolishness!”

Quote:

"THERE ARE A LOT OF CHANNELS ON SATELLITE TV, IT COULD TOTALLY EXIST", said the waiter angrily, "JUST WATCH THE MOVIE, MAYBE YOU'LL LIKE IT. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME, DON'T ACT LIKE YOU KNOW WHO I AAAAAAM!"

Edgeworth: “Probably not as confused as the Franziska and Agent Lang are in this fanfiction, however.”

Quote:

Roman Numeral One stormed back to the kitchen on the verge of tears, although he was encouraged. Franziska and Shi-Long said they didn't love each other, but that's exactly what two people would say if they were in love and didn't want people to know about it! Thus, it was only logical to assume that Franziska von Karma and Shi-Long Lang were mere hours away from jumping each others bones. In fact, Roman Numeral One reflected, they were probably passionately confessing their undying love right about now.

Franziska: *holds whip threateningly* “No.”

Wright: “And the nonsense continues.”

Quote:

"Ms. von Karma, it's only fair to warn you, I sometimes get a little bit gassy when I eat oysters."

Wright: “What if Lang is in on the whole thing?”Kay: “They’d probably do a better job, then.”

Wright: (she looks distracted)

Quote:

Numero Uno from the next table over raised his hand and said, "Excuse me, waiter! I would like two glasses of champagne! And put this ring in one of the champagne glasses, I'm going to propose to my beautiful wife!" He looked directly at Shi-Long Lang and asked, "Have you considered proposing to your beautiful date? Forgive me if I'm over-stepping my bounds, but it looks as if you two would make a great couple!"

Edgeworth: “This is going far beyond the suspension of disbelief.”

Wright: “Yeah! Even Larry would have noticed something was up by now.”

Edgeworth: “!”

Everyone: …

Edgeworth: “For a moment, I was concerned that you might have summoned him from whatever abyss he lurks in.”

Wright: “Hey, that’s not nice!” (He does pop up at unusual moments to cause trouble, though…)

Quote:

Shi-Long Lang had a mouthful of shrimp which he was suddenly very focused on chewing while ignoring the man from the neighboring table. Franziska's forehead wrinkled and she asked, "Why are you proposing to her if she's already your wife?"

Numero Uno closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair. "Just pretend like you're asleep," he whispered to his wife, and Numerita Una followed suit.

Kay: “Wait, what?”

Wright: “Well, that’s one way to avoid an awkward conversation I guess? Maybe I’ll try it in court.”

Franziska: “Try that even once, and I’ll make sure you wake up” *whip cracks*

Wright: Ow!

Quote:

Not knowing what else to do, Franziska started eating the steamed vegetables that came with the salmon, but only after the waiter, amidst much suggestive eyebrow-wiggling, had disappeared back into the kitchen.

Franziska: “NO, YOU FOOLISH FOOL, THIS IS WHEN YOU LEAVE. YOU GET UP…” *whips the screen* “YOU GIVE AGENT LANG THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT AND ASK HIM TO TAKE YOU SOMEWHERE ELSE,” *Whips the screen* “AND THEN -” *crack!* “YOU-” *crack* “LEAVE!” *crack* *Boom!* *smoke begins to pour from the display screen.*

Speakers: ”Oh, darn, I didn’t set it up right. I guess I’ll have to improvise...”

*an avalanche of pillows falls from the ceiling onto Franziska*

Franziska: “Augh, what is this?!”

Speakers: ”An alternate punishment.”

Quote:

Eventually, trying to ignore how awkward the situation was, she started up the conversation with Lang again.

"So, Lang. The waiter here is very... peculiar, isn't he?"

"I just got the strangest feeling," said Lang, squinting off in the direction of the kitchen. "I can't help but think that the waiter's mother's elder sister is having a birthday right now."

Wright: “Does that mean he’s psychic?”

Edgeworth: “No, I suspect it means that he recognized the ‘waiter’ as one of his own agents. I’m surprised he isn’t attempting to confront the inept fool right now.”

Franziska: *struggling with the pillows* “Yes! He is very serious about professionalism. He would not allow such a charade to continue!”

Wright: “But this is fanfiction, so he will.”

Quote:

In the kitchen, Roman Numeral One was most upset. Franziska and Shi-Long Lang had started talking again, but despite all of the incredibly subtle hints Lang's men had dropped, neither of them were talking about romantic matters! von Karma had been discussing her plans for her next trial and Shi-Long had been asking Franziska for her advice on the best method to use to discover and arrest lesser members of the smuggling ring who might try to step up in the leader's place. He had asked Franziska to continue working the case with him, but to Roman Numeral One's chagrin, he had not asked in even a remotely flirtatious manner, the dense bastard!

Edgeworth: “... why are they still eating there?”

Wright: (Where is Kay? She was here just a while ago…)

Quote:

Ah, well. If the two were going to require the heavy artillery, Roman could provide the heavy artillery. He looked at the string quartet. Well, it wasn't exactly a string quartet, but Roman had been able to find a suitable number of musical virtuosos amongst the 99 Agents to produce four talented men who could provide mood-setting background music for Shifu's date.

There was Agent First, who had once spent time undercover as a member of the Blue Man Group, and was well-versed in alternate percussion. He had ordered Chinese takeout last night and still had his pair of chopsticks, so he was ready to go.

There was Agent Prime, who had played bass in a punk band in college. After all, playing bass was like riding a bicycle, you never really forget. Somebody had probably said something like that once.

There was Agent Single, who could get super-good scores on Expert Guitar in Rock Band, and how different could the real thing be? Seriously, Expert. Dat shit be tough, dawg. You know it. Uh-huh.

Finally, Agent version 1.0 sang in the shower sometimes and also knew the choruses to a lot of popular songs! It was perfect!

Roman smiled and said, "Alright, agents, follow my lead," as he picked up a tray with four glasses of champagne and walked out to the tables.

Wright: “This really is going to hell in a handbasket on the expressway.”

Edgeworth: “... You are only just now noticing this?”

Franziska: *too busy fighting with fluffy pillows to crack her whip* “Don’t mix and match expressions. The total of your foolishness is greater than the sum of its parts!”

Wright: (Who’s mixing and matching now?)

Quote:

"Here are your drinks, sir and madam," he said to Numero Uno and Numerita Una, and then turned to Franziska and Lang, "and here are your drinks."

"But I'm driving home!" protested Lang.

Franziska glared at the waiter. "I can't drink this, it would be illegal. In fact, it's illegal for you to serve this to me."

Roman waved his hand dismissively, "Oh, let's not talk of legality tonight! Just drink the champagne!"

Edgeworth: “I would say that this would get this restaurant’s liquor licence soundly revoked, but I have a feeling that the owners of the establishment had no say in this at all.”

Franziska: “I would still take them to court.”

Quote:

Franziska looked at the glass, "There's a ring in this. I think it belongs to the couple next to us."

Franziska: “Why is he so casual about this?!” *manages to get her whip free and cracks it at the screen*

Wright: “It looks like he’s playing along with their plan, now.”

Edgeworth: “That’s very rude of him.”

Wright: “Right! It would be all right if he’d talked to Franziska about it, and she’d agreed, but…”

Franziska: “That would never happen!” *whip cracks* “I would never play along with something so foolish.”

Wright: *blocks the whip with a pillow* “I was about to say just that!”

Franziska: “Good.” *whips him one more time.*

Wright: *the pillow breaks and feathers fly everywhere* (Why?)

Quote:

Roman shifted his weight uncomfortably, "Ah, you see, sir, we thought you would request 'Hungry Like the Wolf.' We even practiced it."

Lang made a face, "Yeah, you might think that, but I'm not actually that big on Duran Duran."

Wright: “Huh?”

Quote:

"Oh," Franziska said, "I quite enjoy Duran Duran's work. Their music is joyful and boisterous, yet their lyrics regularly feature rather dark themes, adding a deeper layer to what is, on the surface, marketable pop music."

Wright: “I didn’t know that you had that kind of taste in music!”

Franziska: “My preferences in music are very refined. Hungry like the Wolf has many good elements. I’m not sure if I agree with my fanfiction counterpart’s assessment, but I will acknowledge that she is at least marginally correct.”

Edgeworth: “And in any other context besides this farce, I would agree that this is in character for you.”

Wright: “Oh, yes, the whole terrible set up.”

Quote:

"Oh, please don't fight, you two!" cried Roman.

"We're not fighting," insisted Franziska, "we are merely having a thoughtful discussion regarding our musical tastes, which any adult should be able to do without hard feelings on either end."

"That's right," agreed Shi-Long.

"Well," said Roman, "If that's the case, I suppose I'd better get back to the kitchen and leave you two quarreling lovebirds alone!" and, yet again, he disappeared to the kitchen amidst a great deal of suggestive waggling of the eyebrows.

Wright: “Who talks like that?”

Edgeworth: “People in ‘ironic’ sitcoms.”

Quote:

Agent version 1.0 cleared his throat, "So, uh, do you guys mind if we play a song?"

Lang waved his hand dismissively, "Go right ahead."

Four cacophonous minutes later, the most unique string quartet in the world had finished their debut performance. Yes, they were all off-key and nobody kept in time and Agent First had gotten carried away with an improvised drum solo that had broken some glasses and Agent version 1.0 had forgotten half the words to Hungry Like the Wolf, but darn it all, they had heart.

They returned to the kitchen in high spirits and were met by Roman Numeral One.

"Well?" Roman asked, eyebrows dancing, "How did it work out?"

"Really good!" beamed Agent 1.0, "I think they liked it."

Wright: “Poor as the writing is, I’m so glad that that was summarized.”

Edgeworth: “Yes. Thankfully we are spared it’s full and horrible entirety.”

Franziska: “It’s horrible enough as it is.”

Quote:

"That was awful," said Franziska.

"Yup," agreed Lang.

Wright: “I’m really amazed that none of these fake waiters and musicians have whip welts.”

"Funny you should ask," replied Franziska, "I realized over the course of the night that I was very attracted to this man, but I was too self-conscious to tell him so while our conversation could be overheard by other people."

Roman's eyes widened involuntarily as he turned to Numero Uno and Numerita Una, "Thank you for dining at Classy Joe's Sports Bar & Grille, I hope you had a great evening, please come again, goodbye!" Roman rushed the couple out the door before returning to the kitchen as swiftly as his feet could carry him.

Franziska smirked, "I had a feeling that would work. Shi-Long Lang, I held back on saying anything because I was waiting for you to notice, but I think your men have taken over this restaurant and are trying to get us to hook up."

Lang shrugged, "Yeah, I thought so."

Wright: “Wait, they were both in on it?”

Franziska: “I am perfection! Of course I would notice such ridiculous antics!”

Quote:

"You did? Then why didn't you say anything?"

Shi-Long sat up a bit straighter before quoting, "Lang Zi says, 'If your wolf cubs are planning a surprise party and it's really obvious, a great wolf father will still act surprised when the cubs jump out from behind the couch. He will even act happy when he gets a sixth tie with a wolf pattern on it, or yet another package of golf balls because wolf cubs assume golf is just something all wolf dads do.'"

Franziska looked skeptical, "That's an oddly specific proverb, and the wolf metaphor is a bit strained."

Wright: “... None of that sounds right. Is this something that Agent Lang would say?”

Edgeworth: “I am fairly certain that this is not one of Lang Zi’s sayings. I don’t believe there were ties or golf in his time.”

Edgeworth: “... If you wished to, I could check with the graveyard curator. I’m sure they would permit a mug.”

Kay: “That’s great! Thanks!”

Franziska: “...” *hand drifts to her arm*

Wright: “All right, let’s not linger on this subject.”

Speakers: ”Aww, but this is good stuff.” *the sound of pen on paper can be heard*

Wright: “CONTINUE THE FIC, PLEASE.”

Quote:

Lang shrugged, "Yeah, I mostly use the less specific ones while on an investigation, but the majority of Lang Zi's proverb's concern domestic life. For instance... Lang Zi says, 'If I have told you once, I have told you a thousand times: An obedient wolf cub will leave a note on the refrigerator when he has drunk the last of the milk. Why do you think I bought a whiteboard?'"

Franziska nodded in approval, "No matter who you are, that is simply good advice."

Lang grinned, "I know, right?"

Kay: “None of that makes any sense! What’s the point of taking the milk if you tell someone you did?”

Franziska: “The proper etiquette is to replace the depleted milk with a fresh bottle! These foolish fools don’t even know that much.”

Wright: (At least the mood is lighter again. Whew.)

Quote:

"But Shi-Long Lang, you really ought to tell your men not to get their hopes up about the two of us. The whole thing is, quite frankly, foolish. I mean, you don't even like prosecutors, you wouldn't have any interest in me."

Lang put his hands together and bowed his head, "As do I, Ms. von Karma. I'll let you know if Interpol has any need for your talents in the future. Goodbye."

"Farewell, Shi-Long Lang," and with that, Franziska von Karma walked out the door.

Kay: “Oh my gosh, he’s really into her!”

Quote:

Shi-Long Lang put his hands in his pockets, stared at the ceiling, and kicked absentmindedly at the floor.

"Well. Damn."

Edgeworth: “That is very out of character for him - at this time, I would be expecting a proper quote from Lang Zi.”

Kay: “The wolf that howls at the wrong time misses the moon?”

Edgeworth: “?”

Kay: “Maybe?”

Quote:

Franziska von Karma walked down the street. The road was strangely empty outside of Classy Joe's Sports Bar & Grille, so she didn't have any chance of hailing a cab without walking to a street with more traffic. As she reached the corner, she glanced back at Classy Joe's. The sidewalk was empty.

She turned around, crossed the street and kept walking, idly looking up at the moon. She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Well. Damn."

Kay: “Ooooh, she’s really into him too!”

Franziska: “I would never use such language!”

*The lights turn on*

Wright: “Oh! It’s over.”

Edgeworth: “It wasn’t so bad, all told. It was very clearly not written in seriousness and I felt that, to a degree, the characters were accurate.”

Franziska: “To an extremely nominal degree! I would have left that place a long time ago, and those fools would have tasted my whip more than once!”

Kay: “And those agents wouldn’t be that inept - they’re all number one, right? They’d act more like it, I bet.”

This was a nice sporking! I really enjoyed this. The characters were all good (though I'd probably replace Phoenix with Lang or Gumshoe but I can see why you included him since he's easier to write) and the sporking itself was funny enough :p My main problems are with the punctuation and such. I noticed quite a few typos here and there and a broken quote at one point. I also note that you gave quote marks in a script format, which is technically incorrect and somewhat distracting. Other than that, though, it was good! Keep up the nice work.

Before the announcement of AA6, this author wrote up their vision for a 6th Ace Attorney game. It's broken up into 5 cases, and is sadly unfinished. I'm going to rate it on a case by case basis, though. The fic overall isn't that bad, but the contrivances really ramp up as the story goes on.

Anyways, the first case, The Sandy Turnabout, gets a rating of . It has absolutely nothing to do with anything else in the entire fic, but the idea of seeing Hugh O'Connor, Robin Newman, and Juniper Woods all in court is actually a pretty good one! It's not a very strong first case, though. There are a lot of moments of… Questionable logic, to say the least. The interactions are strong, though, which keeps the case at a relatively low rating.

--

And now, for today's sporkers!

Juniper Woods!"Oh... Back here again? Hopefully it'll be better from last time."

Speakers: The Management would like to inform Juniper Woods that referencing previous sporkings is strictly forbidden.Speakers: That's how to do it, right?Speakers: Yeah, you're fine.

Ahem, anyways, the next two sporkers are here in their sporking debut!Please welcome Hugh O'Conner!"What is this place?”

And up next is Robin Newman!“Hey! How come we don’t have any pictures? That’s a little R-U-D-E, wouldn’t you say?”

Speakers: Breaking the fourth wall is ALSO strictly forbidden! C’mon, you guys haven’t even started the sporking yet!

Robin: Well, maybe you should tell us the rules first, maaaaan!

Speakers: Shut up! You know what, I don’t have to deal with this. Narrator, just start the freaking sporking already!

Oh, right away, sir! After a brief discussion of the rules, the three sporkers sit down in their seats.

Hugh: So, if we misbehave, we have to sit through one of these things as a punishment!?

Robin: What's the matter? Worried you'll get yourself in T-R-O-U-B-L-E?

Hugh: (Actually, I'm more worried that Robin's going to get me in trouble.)

The lights dim, and the sporking begins.

Spoiler:

Quote:

Apollo Justice: Trinity of Truth

Juniper: Oh! This one is a story about Apollo?

Hugh: Seems so. He was the guy who was Athena's co-council during the not-mock trial at school, right?

Robin: Yep! You really liked him, Junie, didn't you?

Juniper: Yeah... He saved me from that debris during the courtroom bombing, oh, he's like the sun- strong, and bright, and-

Speakers: *AHEM* Could you focus on the story, not your love lives?

Quote:

Case One: The Sandy Turnabout

~~~

"Stop doing that." The first person retorted.

"What?" The second person replied innocently.

"Stop hurting her behind her back. I know what you did to me. Don't do it to her as well." A stony look was in the first person's bluish-green eyes.

"I'll do whatever the hell I want. Neither you or her ever meant anything to me. Ever!" The second person snapped that last word, causing the first person to flinch.

"You jerk! I'm going to tell her right now!" The first person started to run of, but froze in shock as she felt the cold metal against her head.

"You're not going anywhere, sweetheart." The second person smirked.

*BANG*

Juniper: Is this going to be more like what everyday life is like for Apollo? That's quite different from what I had to... See last time. *shudder*

Hugh: It seems they're trying to replicate the style of the games here.

Speakers: And no breaking the fourth wall, either! God, you'd think you people would pick this stuff up quickly!

Hugh: Urk! Uh, sorry about that. (Something tells me I really don't want to get on this guy's bad side.)

Quote:

Hugh O'Connor sat outside, waiting for both his client and the trial to start.

(I hate these pre-trial jitters.. At least the prosecutor for this case is new as well.) He thought as a girl walked up. She was playing with her honey blonde hair, and had a worried look in her blue eyes.

Juniper: But... Wasn't this about Apollo?

Hugh: Wait. This says it's in 2027!? But that's the same year of the trial! I'm redoing all of my tests to get legitimate grades! There's no way I'd have my attorney's badge by this point!

Robin: Maaaaybe... You made a fake one?

Hugh: Even in the dark age of the law, I'm certain that it would be pretty hard to make a fake attorney's badge. What would it even be made out of, cardboard?

"It's okay, I'm bad with names too. My name is Carrie Ohn." Carrie replied. She had a white bathing suit coverup over a pink bikini top and ripped jean shorts, and flip flops.

Juniper: That certainly is an unfortunate name, isn't it?

Quote:

"Don't worry about me, I should be able to get you off the hook. This is the first trial for both the prosecutor and the judge as well, so it's a new experience for everyone." Hugh joked.

Hugh: I imagine the prosecution is you, Robin. And Juniper is most likely the judge.

Juniper: Oh! That makes sense! But still... Why is this titled 'Apollo Justice: Trinity of Truth'? Fanfiction writers are weird.

They enter the courtroom.

Quote:

"Court is now in session for the trial of Carrie Ohn. Is the defense and prosecution ready?" Judge Juniper asked.

"The defense is ready, your Honor." Hugh replied.

"The prosecution is R-E-A-D-Y, your Honor!" Robin called out in her usual playful tone of voice.

Hugh: Yep, I was right.

Robin: Just you wait, this is going to be us someday!

Quote:

"Very well. Will the prosecution state their opening sentence?" Juniper replied.

"Yes, your Honor! You see, two days ago, on June 17th, the defendant was celebrating her 21st birthday! However, that party was cut short when a B-O-D-Y was found. It wasn't just any body, though."

"What was so unique about it?" Juniper asked.

"It was the body of one Snow Humer, who had gone missing from the party a few hours prior to her discovery! Not only this, but for the time of death, the defendant was M-I-S-S-I-N-G from the party as well!"

"Is this true?" Hugh whispered to Carrie.

"I went to buy alcohol and food from the store. After all, most of the people there were drinking or drunk. I wasn't, though." She added before Hugh could ask. "I may be 21, but I'm not an idiot."

"Do you have a receipt?"

"No. I only keep receipts for clothing." Carrie asked.

(Because that would be too easy..) Hugh thought to himself.

"Anyways, there was no one else missing from the party at the time of the crime. Here is the A-U-T-O-P-S-Y." Robin took out a manilla folder.

"The court accepts this into the court record." Juniper asked.

Robin: I think this writer has me W-R-O-N-G. I don't do spell out my words E-V-E-R-Y sentence, I only do it occasionally!

Juniper: Uh, Robin...

Robin: I was doing it on purpose to make a point, silly!

Juniper: I’m not really sure if that’s how that works.

Hugh: (Is nobody going to point out that the victim's name is 'Snow Humer'? Seriously?)

Robin calls Detective Gumshoe to the stand to testify.

Quote:

WITNESS TESTIMONY

~The Night of the Crime~

The party started at about 9:30. It was to celebrate the defendant's birthday.

At about 12:00, the victim was shot in the head, as it says in the autopsy.

At that time, the defendant was nowhere to be seen.

Therefore, the only person who could have done it is the defendant over there.

"That is a rather short testimony." Hugh commented.

"There wasn't much information there, as the crime scene occurred near the water, but there was enough to convict the defendant." Gumshoe explained.

"Poor girl. To be arrested on your birthday.." Juniper said sympathetically. "The defense may cross-examine the witness."

Hugh: Well, let’s see if this version of me has learned anything…

Robin: I’m sure you’ll be fine, how could you mess up?

Quote:

CROSS-EXAMINATION

~The Night of the Crime~

The party started at about 9:30. It was to celebrate the defendant's birthday.

"HOLD IT! Why did the party start that late?" Hugh asked.

"Most people at the party were college students. They likely had classes earlier in the day." Gumshoe explained.

"Okay. Please continue." Hugh nodded his head.

Hugh: Well, that was a stupid question to ask.

Juniper: Well, maybe you had an objection to raise?

All: …

Speakers: If you’re waiting for Hugh’s objection that reveals something about the party’s timing, it’s not going to show up.

Hugh: So I just pressed that statement for no reason?

Robin: Hey, didn’t Mr. Wright tell you to press everything when he gave that seminar?

Hugh: I’m not actually going to press every single statement, am I?

Quote:

At about 12:00, the victim was shot in the head, as it says in the autopsy.

"HOLD IT! Are you sure about the time of death?" Hugh asked.

Hugh: ...I’m not sure what I was expecting.

Juniper: Maybe this time you’ll actually have something?

Quote:

"No, but most of the people at the party described hearing a sound like a gunshot at about that time." Gumshoe said. Hugh slammed the desk.

'Well, then doesn't that mean that the crime could have occurred at any time!" Hugh commented.

"OBJECTION! The victim was shot. People would have heard the gunshot." Robin retorted.

"OBJECTION!" Not if they were both drunk and loud music was playing." Hugh replied.

"OBJECTION! No music was playing at midnight. The music player had died." Robin replied.

"OBJECTION! I know exactly what made that sound! And it wasn't a gun, either."

"Wh-WHAT!?" Robin reeled back in shock.

"This is what made the sound!" Hugh looked in the court record for that piece of evidence…

"TAKE THAT! When I investigated the crime scene, I found remains of firecrackers." He smirked. "Now, wouldn't you agree that firecrackers sound like gunshots?"

Hugh: Huh? I don’t remember hearing about these before.

Robin: Ooooooh, did you fabricate some E-V-I-D-E-N-C-E? That could get you disbarred, Hugh!

Hugh: That’s not me up there! I-I’m sure that I found them at the scene, even though I didn’t ever mention them before, and must have stolen them since the prosecution doesn’t have them… Yeah, this version of me is basically a criminal.

Robin: Don’t forget the cardboard badge.

Hugh: I just can’t catch a break, can I?

Speakers: Nope, not really.

Quote:

"OBJECTION! You can't prove when they were set off!"

(Agh, she's right..) Hugh started sweating.

Hugh: So that was all for nothing, too!? What was even the point of presenting them, then?

Juniper: Well, you did make the possibility of an alternate time of death apparent, so that’s something, right?

Hugh: Do you really think that something like that will be addressed?

Robin: She’s trying to cheer you up, you dolt.

Hugh: Urk! Sorry. Thanks, Juniper.

Quote:

"Anyways, the prosecution has another witness, one who will prove her guilt once and for all!"

"Really? Who?" Juniper asked, surprised. With a smile on her face, Robin replied,

"The defendant's boyfriend."

Robin: Ohhhh snap!

Hugh: Is it just me, or is this just somewhat boring?

Juniper: It is a far cry from what’s been here before, that’s for sure.

Hugh: Is this supposed to entertain someone? Seriously, why are we even here?

Speakers: Well, in truth, it’s only because this is a multi-part fic, and we would feel bad if we skipped the first part.

Hugh: So we really are here for no reason!?

Blah blah blah the defendant talks to Hugh in the lobby about being upset over her boyfriend testifying and then they go back to court whatever.

Quote:

A few minutes later, a young man with dark brown hair and grey eyes came to the stand. He was wearing a surfer's wetsuit, and had a surfboard.

"W-I-T-N-E-S-S, please state your name and occupation." Robin asked.

"My name is Benjamin Churk, but everyone calls me Ben. I am a surfer." Ben replied.

"Very well. Can you P-L-E-A-S-E testify on what you saw that night?" Robin asked him.

"I really don't want to, but for the truth, I will." Ben looked at Carrie with an apologetic look on his face. "I'm sorry, Carrie." Carrie looked back at him as he started to testify.

Hugh: ...Are you even trying anymore?

Speakers: Nope, not really.

Hugh: Can we just go, then!?

Speakers: Nope, not really.

Juniper: You shouldn’t make them mad, Hugh.

Robin: (I was going to make a quip about how weirdly written this guy’s lines are, but I think I’ll pass.)

Whatever whatever testimony the victim was his ex, whatever whatever Hugh presses him about the details of what he saw.

Quote:

"HOLD IT! Can you tell me more about what happened?" Hugh asked.

"Well, It was cold, so I stayed inside. Because of that, I didn't see much else." Ben explained.

(Hmm, what should I ask for more information about..?)

"Can you tell me more about the state of the crime scene after the victim was shot?" Hugh asked.

"I don't really want to recall that horrible scene.. there was blood everywhere.. And there was even blood splattered in Carrie's blonde hair.." Ben shuddered.

(Wait, what did he just say?) Hugh slammed the desk. "Witness! Please add that last statement to your testimony!"

"Okay..?"

Hugh: What exactly am I thinking right now?

Robin: ‘I want to go home’?

Hugh: I meant the version of me in the fic, though I suppose he probably wants to as well.

Speakers: Not until the trial’s dooooone~

Quote:

There was blood everywhere… It even got in Carrie's hair..

"OBJECTION! Witness, if you're going to lie, at least make it a believable one." Hugh smirked.

"Wh-what's that supposed to mean?" Ben started sweating.

"Just take a look at the defendant! Do you see any blood on her?" Hugh demanded.

Hugh: *He sighs loudly, putting his hands over his face*

Robin: That’s not a very good objection.

Juniper: She was right next to the water, right?

Hugh: Yeah, this version of me most certainly is wearing a fake badge. There’s no way this level of sheer intellect passed the bar.

Quote:

"OBJECTION! If I recall correctly, they make every suspect and prisoner shower! That is not a valid objection!" Robin interjected.

"OBJECTION! This is proven by more than just the defendant's appearance." Hugh smirked.

"Wh-what?" Robin started sweating.

"TAKE THAT! As you can see, the crime scene is surprisingly clean for a murder." Hugh banged the desk. "Especially since the witness claims that there was a lot of blood!"

"Agh!" Ben accidently let go of his surfboard and it hit him in the head.

"Yes, Your Honor. The defense actually believes that this witness is correct."

Hugh: WHAT!?

Quote:

"WHAT?" Robin yelped.

Robin: Hey, don’t steal my line!

Juniper: I’m still really confused as to what his strategy is.

Robin: He did better in the mock trial.

Hugh: We’re really setting the bar low, then…

Juniper: You weren’t that bad, Hugh. Don’t beat yourself up.

Robin: Yeah, this fic is beating you up enough already! It doesn’t need any H-E-L-P!

Quote:

"At least, we believe that this witness was correct at one point. There was blood everywhere."

"OBJECTION! You have no proof of this!" Robin yelled.

"OBJECTION! Then we can spray for luminol at the crime scene! If I am correct, there should be a lot of bloodstains." Robin recoiled in shock at Hugh's words.

"Baillif! Send forensic to examine the crime scene!"

"Yes, your honor!" The ballif saluted and left.

"Mr. O'Connor, why are you going through all this trouble?" Juniper demanded.

"You see, the defense has a new suspect in mind." Hugh smirked.

"Really? Who?" Juniper asked.

"The defends indicts Benjamin Churk, on suspicion of the murder of Snow Humer!"

Hugh: What??

Robin: I mean, it is pretty obvious that it’s going to be him.

Hugh: It doesn’t change the fact that I have literally no proof to back it up.

Juniper: Well, maybe the luminol report will give you something?

Hugh: And prove that this guy is telling the truth about what he saw at the crime scene?

Robin: Huh?

Hugh: Okay, so first, I object at the fact that he saw the murder, since there is no blood. Maybe try and get his testimony thrown out, or to try and find out how he cleaned up. And then, for some reason, I ask for a test to prove that his testimony is accurate??

Juniper: If it’s any consolation, I think you’ve gotten good enough so that you can pass the bar now.

Hugh: If fic me is any indication, that test can’t be too hard.

The defendant gets angry at Hugh for being an idiot and accusing her boyfriend for no reason, yadda yadda yadda, Hugh explains his backwards logic by not explaining anything, whatever et cetera, the defendant tries to defend the guy for some reason, and Hugh says what he thinks happened.

Quote:

"Hahahaha!" Ben clapped his hands.

"What is so funny?" Hugh demanded.

"That was a good story, Mr. O'Connor. But that's all it was. A story." Ben was suddenly serious. "You have yet to actually prove I did anything."

"What?"

"For example, how do you know that she has an alibi for the time of death?"

"HOLD IT! Ben, I do." Carrie smiled.

"What?" Ben started sweating again.

"I asked one of my friends to grab something from my house for me. She should be here any minute." Carrie put her hands on her hips. "This object, will show that I do, in fact, have an alibi!"

Just then, a bailiff came in with a girl.

"Is this the friend?" Juniper asked.

"Yes, your Honor." Carrie replied, looking at the girl, who had bright red hair pulled up in a messy bun and green eyes. She wore heels and a dress, with a cartigan over the dress.

"Witness, please state your name and profession." Juniper asked.

"My name is Cameron Baur. I am currently in college, studying psychology." Cameron said. "Here, Carrie." She added and gave her what looked like a receipt.

"Thank you so much, Caramel!" Carrie smiled.

"What is that?" Hugh asked Carrie.

"This is a receipt. Your honor, I would like you to look at the date these items were bought."

"Okay..Wh-WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" Juniper looked shocked. "Th-this is dated the night of the murder!"

*Receipt added to the Court Record*

"WHAT!?" Ben dropped his surfboard again.

"This gives her an alibi!" Robin jumped back in shock once again.

Juniper: Oh, I’ve got this one! How does she have an alibi if the time of death is unknown?

Hugh: She doesn’t.

Robin: Maybe fic you has psychic powers! It would explain how you keep convincing everyone things that blatantly aren’t true!

Hugh: Either that or this is an alternate universe where everyone lost half of their brain cells.

Speakers: Relax, relax. The fic is almost over.

Hugh: It better be. Then I’m leaving and never coming back.

Speakers: Or will you…? Ooooooooooooooh~

Hugh: (What did I ever do to deserve this?)

Blah blah blah alibi so I guess that Ben did it whoaaaaaaaa except you need to find a motive how crazy!

Hugh: It still doesn’t change the fact that there’s no evidence that he did it. In fact, wasn’t the only evidence against my client her lack of an alibi? There weren’t any fingerprints on the gun. I know that the system hates defense attorneys, but this is something else.

Robin: Just use your mind powers and make them believe he has a motive by presenting more forged evidence!

Hugh: As if the fic me is smart enough to concoct a plan like that.

More boring testimony, rumors that he was cheating on his girlfriends, then Hugh accuses him of actually doing it and that he killed Snow so she wouldn’t tell Carrie.

Quote:

"Ha! Where's your proof?" Ben smirked.

"It's right at hand. As a matter of a fact, you have it right now!" (What does he have..?)

"No.. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ben dropped his surfboard on his head, as a baliff grabbed his phone.

"Your Honor! There are texts on here that confirm that he was indeed cheating!"

Juniper: I’m fairly certain you would need a warrant for that. Even as guilty as he seems, I wouldn’t let either of you two rifle through his personal belongings to see if a rumor was true.

Robin: See? You’re sounding like a judge already!

Juniper: Really?

Hugh: I’d say so. And you’re miles ahead of the fic you. Though that’s not setting the bar very high…

Quote:

"Wh-WHAAAAAT?" Juniper gasped.

"So, I have a motive. So what? was I even there?" Ben smirked.

(If only that forensic report would come in..) Just as Hugh thought that, a baliff ran in.

"Your Honor! The forensic report is back!"

(Speak of the devil..) Hugh slammed the desk. "Well? What is it?"

"There was a large amount of blood detected at the crime scene!"

*Crime scene photo updated in the Court Record*

"You see, you were the only one who saw all that blood. After that, there was no blood." Hugh slammed the desk. "Ergo, the only person who could have killed Snow.. Was you! Benjamin Churk!" Hugh pointed at Ben.

"No.. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ben dropped his surfboard on his head, knocking his chin into the witness stand, which knocked him out.

Juniper: I forgot to mention it, but he should really stop hitting himself with that board.

Hugh: I think it’s meant to represent the animations from the games.

Speakers: Ooooooh, you broke the fourth wall! For that, I’m making you stay for the rest of the entire fic!

This sporking was pretty short, though it's appreciated that you cut out all the boring parts. The sporking itself was nice enough, and the characters interacted reasonably well. I definitely do recommend some other sporkers though. Could get dull otherwise, though I do imagine they'll be coming soon enough.

There will be some other sporkers in the next one, don't worry. Apollo, Edgeworth, etc. I moreso wanted to try and use these three to help exemplify how weird it is that this first case has literally nothing to do with the rest of everything. Hugh, Juniper, and Robin don't even show up a single time after this, if I remember correctly! Anyways, from now on it's back to the usual programming.

Unless that mysterious figure has anything to say about it, though I imagine her identity probably isn't that mysterious.

Centering things on Hugh, Robin, and Juniper is actually a pretty cool idea, for a fanfic AND a sporking. Unfortunately this fic didn't execute it well at all. It was bad because the logic of the case was so poor, but it was bad in a way that was boring, which made the sporking struggle for material, I think. Actually the stuff that was happening that wasn't directly related to the fic was more interesting than the commentary on the fic itself.

Well, true, but it's also already a pretty long post, and it's also a bit of work to go through every page of the thread and copy-paste all the fic titles and relevant links to update the post with. (Just saying, because for a moment there I wasn't sure who had created this thread, and was seriously relieved to find it wasn't me. ;))

I was worried that I might've broken one of the rules by bringing back an old thread.

I think this is one thread where it's OK to post whenever even if there hasn't been any activity for a while. It's not like it was an ongoing discussion, it's pretty long and has been going on for years.

Southern Corn wrote:

Also, could someone contact the OP to update the thread? It hasn't been updated with the most recent sporking s in over a year now.

Yeah... we talked about this before, before drthingums came back suddenly and the last update was in, like, 2013. We could message the OP but there's no guarantee he'll see the message until the next time he logs in, which the same thing as not contacting him at all.

Oh geez, it's been a while since I checked this thread. It's looking pretty barren, but I do have a part of my next chapter of sporking. I'm going to try and release part 2 of Trinity of Truth in about a week or so, hopefully! And my apologies for not finishing it yet; summer's been a busy time for me.

I love this thread and actually got an account just to post on it! Once I get back in school, I'll totally be around here, y'all!

Expect a sporking of Manfred von Karma's Gender Adventure featuring Edgeworth and Franziska. Maybe Maya too, for flavor. If it hasn't been done, it'll be a "Throwback Thursday" as I have barely finished the trilogy.

Also, just a fun fact, but I'd pay actual money for someone to spork my fics.

Edit: looks like it was suggested before, but rejected for political reasons. Do y’all think I should still do it? I’m already working on it.

Edit 2: That spork's been postponed until I can get feedback, so instead I’m going for Larry/Nick. Yeah, that’s a thing. It’s odd, but I mean kinda understandable, and definitely worth Sporking!

Edgeworth: Redundant, it could be assumed that waking up requires one to be asleep in the first place.

Maya: Redundant redundancy is redundant?

Franziska: No. *whipcrack*

Maya: Agh! I thought you were going to ‘make do’!

Franziska: I have. But such a foolish statement warrants punishment. *pulls whip taut*

Quote:

after waking up from being asleep he thought to himself “today i am feeling as though my gender is not conforming to the binary imposed upon me by societal standards. one might say i am feeling like my gender is not binary. perhaps there is a word for that which could more succinctly encompass the feeling of ones gender not being binary.”

Edgeworth: An odd way to phrase it, but I doubt he had the proper vocabulary necessary to say it in a less awkward way.

Maya: Think, you mean.

Edgeworth: What?

Maya: It says ‘he thought to himself’

Edgeworth: Well, the use of quotation marks for thought is confusing.

Quote:

after thinking all of these frankly ridiculously large words, manfred von karma decided that he would go to the library to gather information about genders. so he did. and when he got there the librarian was maya fey. she had taken on a part-time job, because being a spirit medium did not bring in much of an income.

Maya: That is true… But neither does librarian-ing!

Quote:

"hello librarian, i need to locate the section of books in the library on genders that do not fall within the male-female binary. lately i have been feeling as though my gender is not one of the two that are commonly thought of as available to humans in my culture."

maya fey, who was the librarian, thought to herself for a moment before replying.

Maya: Wow, this fic loves repeating things we already know.

Edgeworth: Indeed, it’s even worse than Maya Fey: Ace Thief in that regard.

Maya: At least I’m not Crya in this!

Edgeworth: Yet.

Maya: *puffs cheeks in annoyance*

Quote:

"i don’t think we have such a section in this library. which is a shame, because many people deserve to have a publicly available place to learn about gender. for example, me and my girlfriend, franziska von karma, are both transgender, and deserve to have access to gender resources."

Maya: It’s 2018, surely there’s something in the library, if not a section, then at least one book!

Edgeworth: Presumably, this was written when such resources were still incredibly rare.

[A small pamphlet falls from the ceiling onto Maya’s lap]

Maya: It says it was written in… 2014! Two years before even Nick and I’s first case!

Edgeworth: That does explain the lack of resources, then.

Franziska: Though not the lack of capitalization. *whipcrack*

Maya: Also doesn’t explain us being transgender, that’s not really something you just tell people? Also, the spirit channeling powers are only in girls, so that doesn’t make much sense even if it was true.

Quote:

manfred von karma nodded in agreement, before becoming shocked at the fact that the librarian was apparently dating his daughter, and then deciding not to comment on it because maya fey (the librarian) probably didnt know that he was franziska von karmas parent, despite their very similar fashion sense, and he did not want to get into a new conversation about dating when he had to obtain knowledge about genders right now.

Franziska: Apostrophes exist, foolish author! Use them! *whipcrack*

Maya: That’s what you choose to take from that?

Franziska: I refuse to acknowledge the foolish events my papa is part of in this fiction.

Quote:

"anyway", maya fey the librarian continued, "you might not know about this, seeing as you appear to be around sixty years old (yet somehow very fashionable for your age), but we have something called the internet. it has a lot of information, and there are lots of gender-related websites and other resources."

"i know about the internet," said manfred von karma. (he did not know about the internet.)

Maya: *pff*

Franziska: You find that funny, Maya Fey?

Maya: Yeah, it’s dumb, but it’s still allowed to be funny sometimes.

Quote:

"oh," said the librarian, maya fey. there was an awkward pause before she said, "we have computers over there. you are free to use them. this is a public library. but you have to pay five cents if you want to print anything for some reason that i dont know."

"thank you," said manfred von karma.

Maya: For some reason, I doubt he’d be that polite.

Franziska: Papa had the perfect amount of proper politeness!

Quote:

then manfred von karma spent a half hour trying to figure out how to use a computer. then his time on the computer ran out and he had to go to another one. eventually he looked up what he wanted to look up and he left the library, newly enlightened on many things, including the word “nonbinary”.

he had looked at a lot of genders, but none of them seemed to fit the gender emotions he was experiencing. so he decided on “genderqueer” because that could accurately describe that his gender was not within the male-female binary, but didnt give any specific name or category to the gender emotions. he also had read about new and fantastic pronouns to use, but after some thought, he came to the conclusion that he would stick to “he” pronouns, as he had been using them for over a half century and it would be uncomfortable to suddenly switch. this did not make him any less nonbinary. it just made him an autistic old person who liked familiarity.

Edgeworth: Autistic von Karma…That’s one idea I haven’t heard before. I can see it, but I doubt he would ever admit it, he’d likely consider it an imperfection.

Franziska: Agreed, Papa certainly wouldn’t flaunt his differences.

Quote:

manfred von karma was feeling very uplifted from all this studying, when he ran into someone.

“hello prosecutor von karma," said a voice that somehow sounded like if you took all the douchiest people in the world and compressed them into a .wav file. thats right. it was bansai ichiyanagi.

Maya: *snrk*

Edgeworth: Who? I feel we’re supposed to know this person.

Speakers: Hold on… The Japanese name for Blaise Debeste.

Edgeworth: At the risk of repeating myself, who?

Speakers: Oh right, you’re trilogy era. Nevermind then.

Egdeworth: Then why—? *pinches the bridge of his nose* Forget I asked.

Edgeworth: von Karma was many things, but a foul-mouth wasn’t one of them.

Quote:

now that manfred von karma didnt have a job anymore he wasnt the best prosecutor in the world, because he wasnt a prosecutor. he was however the most genderqueer ex-prosecutor in the world. this provided some comfort but not much.

Franziska: *five whipcracks directed at the floor* *panting*

Maya: Ms. von Karma, are you alright?

Franziska: I am fine, Maya Fey. Simply annoyed by the sheer foolishness of this paragraph. Papa has never been fired and I resent the author's assertion that he would be fired over such a charge as being rude to his boss. Which he would also never do.

Quote:

later on, the doorbell rang on manfred von karmas front door. he went to the door and opened the door. standing outside the door was a person in a dad hat and a detective coat even though the person was not a detective. the person was, however, a dad.

Edgeworth: Oh no, this isn’t who I think it is, is it?

Franziska: Knowing this theatre, of course it is.

Maya: A “dad hat”? Does the author mean a fedora?

Quote:

"oh my god piss off," said manfred von karma.

Maya: Repetition! The essence of comedy!

Edgeworth: That requires the first instance of the joke to be funny.

Quote:

gregory edgeworth

Edgeworth: (Brace yourself, Miles. Something’s going to happen with your father and you’re certain not to like it.)

Quote:

did not fire manfred von karma because gregory edgeworth was not manfred von karmas employer. he was, however, sort of offended.

"manfred von karma that was very rude of you to say to me," said gregory edgeworth.

Maya: Yeah, it really was!

Edgeworth: You were defending it a few moments ago.

Maya: Just the comedy principle, not the joke itself!

Quote:

[Relatively boring shenanigans for a few minutes.]

"anyway why are you here and alive. i thought you were supposed to be not here and dead?" said manfred von karma, with an audible question mark at the end of his sentence.

"manfred von karma please stop asking existential questions and let me in," gregory edgeworth said. indeed, manfred von karma had been semi-blocking the doorway through this entire conversation. almost as though he did not want gregory edgeworth to enter his home. a shocking development.

Maya: Gasp.

Edgeworth: Did you just say gasp?

Maya: It did say ‘a shocking development’. Quite sarcastically.

Quote:

[Filler about Gregory Edgeworth being alive and Manfred von Karma being rude.]

“i dont even know why miles lives with me," said manfred von karma. "i cant even remember adopting miles. why would i adopt miles. miles has a perfectly good parent already."

"i dont know either," said gregory edgeworth.

Franziska: Acknowledging the foolishness does not remove it from the equation! It actually doubles it!

Quote:

miles edgeworth came out of the living room and said hello to gregory edgeworth.

Edgeworth: So this is why I’m here.

Speakers: That, and this management loves you to bits.

Edgeworth: What?

Speakers: Nothing...

Quote:

"dad, manfred von karma, i have something to tell you," miles said.

miles’ dad and manfred von karma waited for miles to tell them.

"im agender," said miles.

Maya: … Are you?

Edgeworth: Not to my knowledge, no. That being said, I don’t one hundred percent know what that actually means.

Speakers: Nice job defusing that without breaking the fourth wall! You know what, you’re not going to be in the next sporking—

Edgeworth: Thank goodness.

Speakers: From this management.

Edgeworth: Oh. I knew it sounded too good to be true

Quote:

"i know what that means because today i went to the library and learned about genders," said manfred von karma.

"hurray!" said everyone else.

"i also got fired from my lifelong career because i told my asshole boss to piss off," said manfred von karma.

Maya: Again, language, Mr. von Karma!

Quote:

gregory edgeworth patted manfred von karma on the back. miles looked sympathetic. franziska von karma, who had just walked in, didnt say anything because she had missed that conversation and was confused that gregory edgeworth was patting manfred von karma on the back and miles was looking sympathetic.

Edgeworth: I think she would be more than confused, author.

Maya: But your dad’s not dead in this universe, so it’s not that surprising

Franziska: Gregory Edgeworth was still Papa’s greatest rival! He made Papa lose his perfect winning record! *whipcrack* You are a foolish fool to not know that simple fact.

Maya: Yeowch!

Quote:

"anyway lets go out to dinner with money that i didnt earn today because i got fired," manfred von karma said. everyone agreed, because they were hungry and wanted a distraction from all the confusing events that had just happened.

"that sounds like something a spirit medium and also sometimes librarian named maya fey who is my girlfriend would help with," said franziska von karma.

"no it does not," said manfred von karma.

later that evening miles got a plastic steel samurai figurine from a ufo machine and put it with all the other plastic steel samurai figurines miles had gotten from ufo machines in various restaurants.

Maya: Whoa, you collect Steel Samurai figurines, Mr. Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: N-no! Certainly not! *penalty* (Gah!)

Franziska: You just got a penalty, didn’t you, little brother?

Edgeworth: *penalty* Ngoh! (A quarter of my truth bar, gone!)

Quote:

manfred von karma applied for a new job on the internet. gregory edgeworth slept with his hat and coat on because manfred von karma had not offered to hang up his hat and coat. franziska von karma texted a picture of a cat to her girlfriend, the spirit medium and also sometimes librarian maya fey. bansai ichiyanagi cried crocodile tears into a jar and drank them for sustenance.

Maya: So, basically everyone lived happily ever after?

Edgeworth: Everyone except us.

Quote:

the end

All: Finally.[/quote]

Speakers: So….? What did you think?

Franziska: This fiction is a disgrace! The lack of punctuation and capitalization is a smear on the von Karma name!

Speakers: I meant of me as management! I’m new here, so I tried to be relatively nice, y’know?

Maya: I think you did well, you certainly weren’t as snippy as the other people.

Edgeworth: Do not forget that I will not be in the next sporking from you.

Speakers: Did I really promise that?

Edgeworth: Yes.

Speakers: Aww! I’ll miss you!

Franziska: Never mind him, what about me?

Speakers: I think I’m not gonna have any of you next time. I might bring Mr. Edgeworth back later, but I certainly won’t bring him back for the next one. Management’s honor!

Edgeworth: You people have no honor.

[And with that lovely note, the sporkers leave the theatre the same way they came in, Edgeworth and Maya by teleportation, Franziska by walking. What will happen next time? Did the management use Edgeworth’s penalties correctly? What sporkers does the management have planned? Have the management’s crushes on Edgeworth and Franziska gotten in the way of their job?]

Speakers: Hey! I told you that in confidence!

[All will be revealed next episode of the Sporking Theatre! Tune in next time for...Larry/Nick! Yes, it exists! And it’s actually pretty sweet!]

Last edited by PhosphorousLaw on Tue Sep 04, 2018 1:36 pm, edited 5 times in total.

I liked the sporking enough but if I had to criticise it, I think you spent more time harping on the foul language/poor punctuation and grammar than the actual story. For example, I'm a little surprised you didn't highlight the ridiculousness of suddenly being transgender and seeing each other even if the fic acknowledged it soon afterwards. That said, this was an alright first try. Keep trying and you'll get there!

Thank you, SC! I enjoy your sporkings, so I’m glad you liked mine (even if it wasn’t as perfect as it could have been). I tried to tread carefully around the gender issues because it’s important to me that it doesn’t sound like the characters are parroting my ideas. Cause boy howdy do I have some ideas about this and I don’t want that to be reflected in my writing. Next time, I’ll be covering more even territory, so it's definitely gonna be better! Onwards and upwards!

I'd say that's easy enough. Just the thought of the two suddenly changing gender and dating each other is absurd enough. If you still are put off by the gender thing, focus on the other. Make a small quip between Maya and Franziska on how they wouldn't date each other and make Franziska especially annoyed at the thought of it. It would work easily enough, I think.

@PhosphorousLaw: It's nice that you go back to the roots. (I actually intended to do the same for my final spork, back when the old forums still existed. But I had to give up on the plan because the thread was erased. :()I'm...not sure how Franziska is "blue", though. The best I can come up with is that you're referring to the greenish-blue tinge in her hair (I'd describe it more as silver, myself)? But it makes it sound more as if she were a smurf. (Idea for an AU? lol)And a good start there on the Management. I like how you're not even letting Edgeworth complain about his introduction. You sure do know how to show them their place. ^^

Also nice how you employ the canon poses. I can picture it very well.

As for the spork itself...

Spoiler: Putting it in spoilers in order to not drag out the page

Quote:

Edgeworth: Well, the use of quotation marks for thought is confusing.

Edgeworth needs to read more books. It's quite common to put quoted thoughts within quotation marks. Of course, he wouldn't know this from just reading case files.

Quote:

for example, me and my girlfriend, franziska von karma, are both transgender

I wish you had noticed this little problem here and let Maya point it out. The fic has no idea what it's talking about (I mean, if its ignorance wasn't already clear enough from how it claims people wake up one day and decide on a whim to be genderqueer). First of all, Maya can't be transgender because 1)it's stated that only females can inherit the powers necessary to become a spirit medium, which makes it sound like a biological thing rather than identity. But even if we assume that it is a matter of gender identity: 2)We have seen a picture of Maya as a very little girl. In my opinion, too young to even think about the concept of genders. I'm going to say, Maya is a cis woman. (And no, she isn't intersex either, because the fic clearly says "transgender".)And, the fic can't be claiming that she and Franziska have just recently transitioned, either. Because then, they would be using male names, and certainly not call each other "girlfriend".

Quote:

Edgeworth: Autistic von Karma…That’s one idea I haven’t heard before. I can see it, but I doubt he would ever admit it

Can you say "irony", Edgeworth? ;)

Quote:

Franziska: I am fine, Maya Fey. Simply annoyed by the sheer foolishness of this paragraph. Papa has never been fired and I resent the author he would be fired over such a charge as being rude to his boss.

I think you either forgot a word or two here, between "the author" and "he would be fired". (I'd normally let it slide, but when you have characters complain about the author's grammar or spelling, it seems out-of-character when they do it themselves.)

Quote:

Maya: Merely the joke as a device, not the actual joke!

This is one of a few examples where Maya sounds a bit odd. She generally talks more casually. She sounds like an older and more mature version of herself in parts of this spork. On the bright side, this should help you if you ever decide to write a spork with the characters' later incarnations.

Quote:

Edgeworth: So this is why I’m here.

Speakers: That, and this management loves you to bits.

I don't even know if this would make it slightly better or just creepier to him. XD

Quote:

Speakers: Nice job defusing that without breaking the fourth wall! You know what, you’re not going to be in the next sporking—

Edgeworth: Thank goodness.

Speakers: From this management.

Love this! He's so out of practice, you actually got his hopes up for a second.

Quote:

Speakers: So….? What did you think?

Franziska: This fiction is a disgrace! The lack of punctuation and capitalization is a smear on the von Karma name!

Speakers: I meant of me as management! I’m new here, so I tried to be relatively nice, y’know?

Yeah, your Management interactions are definitely a nice addition to the spork, in my opinion. The way to ask them for feedback here is almost cute, but mostly funny.

Quote:

Did the management use Edgeworth’s penalties correctly?

Eh. I mean, theoretically he's supposed to take a hit when he (or sometimes someone around him) makes a logical error. However, this rule wasn't even strictly followed in the game it was invented for.

@Pessimistic_Fool: Thank you so much! I’ve admired your work for a while, and it’s an honor to have you look at my sporking.

Now, response! I call Franziska the blue bombshell because that’s what the Random Encounters Musical called her theme and it rolls off the tongue

Spoiler:

Quote:

Edgeworth needs to read more books. It's quite common to put quoted thoughts within quotation marks. Of course, he wouldn't know this from just reading case files.

Apparently I need to read more books . I’ve never encountered it before, it’s usually italicized.

Quote:

[Too long for me to copy down but the gist is pointing out Maya and Franziska as transgender]

Should hopefully be fixed, along with the Franziska problem later on. I didn’t know what to do with it so I kinda just left it? But I’ve added something so it’s not completely unnoticed.

Quote:

Can you say "irony", Edgeworth? ;)

*cough cough* I see him as autistic and in denial about it. (I’m autistic too and when I first met him I was just like 'that’s me! It’s me as a pretty prosecutor boy!')

Quote:

This is one of a few examples where Maya sounds a bit odd. She generally talks more casually. She sounds like an older and more mature version of herself in parts of this spork. On the bright side, this should help you if you ever decide to write a spork with the characters' later incarnations.

Errr, yeah... I changed this too, so hopefully it’s a tad better. I tend to have difficulty writing younger characters since my vocabulistics are so sophisticatarial. All joking aside, I appreciate you pointing this out, I totally hadn’t thought of it.

Quote:

I don't even know if this would make it slightly better or just creepier to him. XD

The answer is always creepier with this theatre.

Quote:

Love this! He's so out of practice, you actually got his hopes up for a second.

I’m so proud of this little bit, I’m so happy you pointed it out. It’s mostly just an excuse for me to use other characters.

Quote:

Yeah, your Management interactions are definitely a nice addition to the spork, in my opinion. The way to ask them for feedback here is almost cute, but mostly funny.

Aww, thank you! I thought I should reflect my inexperience in the management, as others have before.

Quote:

Eh. I mean, theoretically he's supposed to take a hit when he (or sometimes someone around him) makes a logical error. However, this rule wasn't even strictly followed in the game it was invented for.

I took it literally as a truth bar, where when he lied he got a penalty. This probably wasn’t right, but it was certainly funny! (I’m currently playing the game it was invented for so it’ll probably get better when I finish it.)

@PhosphorousLaw: Thanks for the praise. I always tried my best. :)(And thanks for the explanation. I'm not familiar with Random Encounters, so I wasn't aware it was a reference.)

Don't worry too much about the book-reading comment. Using italics is common, too. I'd say that and quotation marks make up about 40% each. The other 20% using something else entirely, such as putting thoughts in their own paragraph or not marking them at all. (The latter is the only choice I dislike. It can make it hard to tell where the thought ends and the narration continues.)

Nice idea to add in that sentence for Maya. (By the way, I'm autistic too. :)) Regarding her tone...I've been off with that before too, but I think it's generally a good idea to read your spork in the character's voices (that is, if you do read in voices when playing the game). It looks like you already did the visual part of imagining them saying their lines with the gifs they would have in the games.

(By the way, I would be interested to hear what you think about AAI when you're done with it. Not really a topic for this thread, but it has its own, or you could pm me if you feel like it. I had some rather mixed feelings about it.)

Just butting in.Would it be okay if i made the ultimate-shitty-trollfic (worse than phoenix wright hecking dies, but don't worry it would still be more enjoyable than that... thing).I'm asking for clarification's sake and all if it's okay to make a fic for the sake of it being sporked on the sporking theatre.If it isn't okay then yeah. Just had this idea in my head for while now. (the fic i mean)

If it is indeed allowed, I'd be happy to spork it, unless anyone else wants dibs. I think it may be allowed, but it's definitely not allowed to spork your own fics, if that's what you mean.

Ah, thank you for that.I can get to work on it soon(ish).should have asked it before.... but should it be kept on google docs or should it have to be on a fanfiction site? I actually planned for it to be on the former. I'm sorry for this small inconvenience or if this a little stupid.

There used to be a rule against sporking fics that were written for the specific purpose of being sporked. But that was a long time ago, so honestly, as long as someone will spork it, why not?We've had obvious troll fics before, which aren't much different, in my opinion.

Oh, but if I may make a suggestion: Don't deliberately make it hard to read. Yes, bad spelling, grammar and punctuation get comments from the sporking characters. But they also make it harder for everyone else to read the parts that the spork quotes and comments on. So try to keep it comprehensible enough for that.

There used to be a rule against sporking fics that were written for the specific purpose of being sporked. But that was a long time ago, so honestly, as long as someone will spork it, why not?We've had obvious troll fics before, which aren't much different, in my opinion.

Oh, but if I may make a suggestion: Don't deliberately make it hard to read. Yes, bad spelling, grammar and punctuation get comments from the sporking characters. But they also make it harder for everyone else to read the parts that the spork quotes and comments on. So try to keep it comprehensible enough for that.

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