I am a HUGE India Arie fan. She sings a song called “I am not my hair” that addresses so many of the stigmas surrounding hair in today’s culture. My favorite part poses the question:

Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person?Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend?Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity?I am expressing my creativity(Source)

India is right…for the most part. “I am not my hair. I am not this skin. I am not your expectations…I am a soul that lives within (Source).”

But what if I told you that the last statement of my favorite part of the song is exactly why I am absolutely my hair? Perhaps my hair, without ever meaning to, expresses who I am without ever saying a word.

My hair is an expression of my creativity.

Sometimes I like to wear it long. Other times I like to wear it short. Some days I wear it curly. Other days I wear it straight. On occasions, I am blonde. On other occasions, I have a purple streak. As adults, we no longer have permission to attend tea parties with dolls. We cannot wear princess dresses for no reason at all. We cannot dress up as Flash and run through the house. We cannot pull out our Ninja Turtle costume and throw it on simply because it is Wednesday. My hair grants me the permission to be myself. It allows me to show who I am at any point in time, and when I need permission to adjust my appearance based on the adjustments that life has handed me…I adjust my hair accordingly.

My hair breaks when I get stressed.

Someone told me that going natural would stop my hair from breaking. She told me that the chemicals in my hair were too harsh, and it would continue to break until I got rid of the chemicals so I threw in my weave, and I grew my curls. Imagine my surprise when my curls began to break. At first, I did not understand. I could not believe it. Why in the world did I go natural only to experience the same problems as I did with the chemicals? I later learned that the chemicals were only a part of the problem…The other, much larger part, is stress. Stress can break anything, up to and including me…up to and including you.

My hair always grows back.

The good news is, stress only damages pieces. Only certain sections are affected. Even those sections that have to start over ALWAYS grow back. I always continue to grow. You always grow back. Stress does not kill the hair. It only hurts it for a moment, but we learn how to adapt. We learn how to manage. We learn what to do so that stress cannot do the same thing the next time…I take hair and nail vitamins. I eat better. I drink more water. I tap into friends and family for help and guidance, but most importantly, I keep growing.

I found what works for me. I wash on Saturday mornings. Contrary to the popular belief held by the natural hair community, I must shampoo my hair once a week. In order not to strip every bit of its natural vitamins, nutrients, and MOISTURE, I use the Love of People’s Loving You. I deep condition with Touch of Love , and I base my hair for twist outs, finger coils, and any other styles with XXIVK. These are my go-to products. This is my go-to routine…the same way my life has a go-to routine.

I wake up in the morning and do my devotion. I comb my daughter’s hair. I get myself together, and help my husband get the kids together for school. We do my son’s homework when he comes home. I check through folders and initial assignments and behavior colors. We eat dinner together, and we make sure the shoes make it to the stairs so we know where they are in the morning. I check my Instagram feed. I snap (mrsbonnaffons) my sisters and best friends. Everything else is negotiable….the same way wash day is negotiable…the same way hair routines are negotiable…

I keep learning.

I found what does not work for me. I learned that what worked when I first cut my hair does not work the same way it used to. As my hair grows, some of the styles do not look the same. However, I can introduce some styles I could not use before. Those styles, though, require practice and repetition before they become routine…

So often in life, we make it to new levels, and we try to hold on to old routines. We try to do things the way we always did them. But we are not the same. My hair has grown. Your hair has grown. We have grown, and we have to learn what works for us now. We have to be willing to learn to maintain the person we are, not the person we used to be.

My hair is a journey and not a destination.

A lady complimented me in the line at a store the other day. She told me my curls were beautiful and how beautiful my hair will be when I grow it out. I used to think the same thing. I used to imagine how beautiful I would look with the big, wild curls, until I remembered that hair just as life is not a destination. It is instead a journey to be enjoyed along the way. Some days will be good. Others I will want to hide under a rock. Some days I will feel like I am on top of the world, and others, I will want to hit the restart button. Yet, I cannot wish away my life waiting on an end result. I must learn to appreciate the process.

I am NOT my hair. I am much more. I am a person with hopes and dreams, with children and a husband and a blog. India was onto something.

BUT, on the other side to that same coin, my hair is a reflections of who I am at any point in time. It is an outward manifestation of how I feel…of what I am going through.

Share this:

Like this:

LikeLoading...

Published by ordinarilyextraordinarymom

My name is Brittany Bonnaffons, and I feel like I should have life figured out by now. I also feel like the world judges us by unrealistic standards. I have dedicated this blog to challenging standards and instead embracing yourself for who you are - ordinarily extraordinary.
View all posts by ordinarilyextraordinarymom

Post navigation

43 thoughts on “I am Absolutely My Hair”

This like all of your blogs was written so eloquently. I love the comparison with routines and enjoying the process. You are beautiful inside and out! Speaking as someone who has known you for a piece of your life, this last couple of months with your hair in it’s natural state, I feel as though you have truly come into your own look, your own reflection. Thanks again for the continued support as well and once again, GREAT JOB!

I love the idea that we learn what works for us but that can change as we grow. We aren’t stuck with sameness all our lives!
Also, I love the idea that we should enjoy the journey along the way. I think even the destination can be a part of the journey, because unless we die at the destination, there will be more journey to enjoy afterwards!

Thanks so much! It’s growing on me bit by bit, and of course I post my good hair day photos. I like it about 80% of the time these days. 😂😂😂 Which is about normal I think…I don’t think I’ve heard “Wings of forgiveness.” I’ll have to check it out!

I love your hair, I’m so jealous of what seems like its intrinsic style and sass. Mine is just . . . there it feels like. But you know, the grass is always greener somewhere else (and the curls bouncier on other heads! ).

Funny, I saw your blog and this article on the same day. They complement each other well.

Thanks Allison. So glad you stopped by. I’m about to go checkout the article. My curls are sometimes my friend, and other times, they refuse to cooperate. Everyone has a unique style belonging on to them. 😘

I agree…even though I sometimes don’t want to be….I am my hair! People have always commented on my curls. I fought the curls, ironed them, straightened them slept on beer cans and still they go on…so I learned to love them.. People still come up to me and say I love your curls I wish I had them…and I say I wish I had your straight hair…

Hair is a very big one for me. One of the first things you notice about a person is their hair. I have natural hair but I choose to straighten it out all the time. I just feel that I don’t get props for being natural but I’ve tried the “organically” natural way and it just didn’t work for me. So I rock the press out.

I feel that straight hair, pressed out hair, weave, braids…all of it is a reflection of who we are. I have zero problems with people who choose relaxers or blow outs or silk presses. People take so much time to judge others by their own standards. You express who you are the way you feel best suits your personality, and I do the same. What the world needs is for people to have the ability to be themselves. Rock on!

Ultimately, it sounds like you do agree with India, right? Your hair is a reflection of you, just like your skin and clothes, maybe, but it is not you. Maybe I’m splitting hairs 🙂

Anywho, I express myself through my lipstick and clothing. I’m known for wearing some bold colors when I feel like it, usually when I’m flying high and feeling myself. Other times, I’ll throw on some nude tone, like brown and blend into someone’s background.

Great post! I love this: “We have to be willing to learn to maintain the person we are, not the person we used to be.” This is such an essential lesson. Thank you for sharing all of these truths about who we are as people while writing about your beautiful and sometimes broken hair! God bless!

Thanks Edna! I told you I had not posted in the group because the audience is a little different than the traditional “Christian blog” community. So glad you stopped by this afternoon! #newperspectives

Thanks so much! I’m always so afraid to really express all the different lessons I learn along the way through so many aspects of my life…big and small. Thanks for the thoughtful response…Life is definitely a journey!!

When I went through chemotherapy 13 years ago, all of my hair came out. I was devastated at first, as I had nice, full hair. But, when I realized my hair didn’t define me, life was much better. I keep my hair really short now and love it! 🙂

She actually mentions chemo patients specifically in the song, which is such a huge journey. I’m always in awe of cancer survivors. Your hair did not define you just as you said. Life threw you a lemon and you made lemonade.

Wow. I felt so emotional reading this post. I loved every word of it. It speaks of strength, empowerment, the up and downs of life. It’s heart felt and I’m forever grateful for picking this post to read first. At times living in an area where culture is not as present like other places in the states I find myself burying who I am because it feels safe. Your post gives me strength to bloom where I am love every moment. Awesome!