Elton John: ‘Jesus was gay’

“I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems. On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving. I don’t know what makes people so cruel. Try being a gay woman in the Middle East — you’re as good as dead.”

In Elton John’s defense, Jesus did hang out with 12 dudes all the time, but he’s also a fictional character so this is like calling Batman gay. Which he’s not, by the way. He just likes young boys to expose their milky white thighs while fighting crime, and according to my old Boy Scout leader, that makes them more aerodynamic assuming the same principles apply outside of a sleeping bag. I haven’t crunched the numbers yet.