LOVE WARRIOR NOW AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK!

LOVE WARRIOR NOW AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK!

Sex Is Tricky.

My philosophy about sex talks with kids is to be open, honest and matter-of-fact, so they won’t sense that shame and sex are intertwined and so, when they do become interested in exploring their sexuality, they might be motivated by love instead of blind curiosity. I want them to take sex seriously enough to know it’s holy. Doesn’t that sound lovely?

My reality is that I AM STILL LEARNING THAT STUFF. This makes me a shaky-at-best sex teacher. So whenever my kids ask about sex- I panic and then just start saying crap. I just start saying all the things. Far too many things, Craig suggests. Last night I was sitting at dinner, minding my own business, when my middle child said the following words:

“So, how you get a baby is you pray for one, right?”

Craig’s fork froze mid-air and I looked at him and then at my girl and I just wanted to yell: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, CHILD??? Don’t you remember when I said all the hard words like penis and vagina and union and consent to you???? PRAY? SWEET JESUS ON A BICYCLE — DOES NO ONE IN THIS DOMICILE HEAR THE WORDS THAT COME OUT OF MY MOUTH?????

But I did not say those things because I am an official, card-carrying Parenting Expert. And so I said: “WELL, I suppose praying might have something to do with baby-making, sure. But, you know, even if you pray to win the lottery till the cows come home, you’re not gonna win unless you also BUY A TICKET. Making big things happen requires PARTICIPATION.”

I thought that would take care of the whole sex thing because apparently clear, open and straightforward means speaking in strange parables and metaphors. But judging by the faces of my people, nothing was clear. All the children, plus Craig, plus the dogs, were quietly staring at me. Even the guinea pig suddenly looked confused. [OH SHUT UP, GUINEA PIG – YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! ALSO, WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING ALIVE? YOU ARE ONE MILLION IN GUINEA PIG YEARS!!!! LET GO! GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT! GO WITH GOD, ROMEO!!! FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF YOUR NAMESAKE AND ROMANTICALLY EMBRACE THE GREAT BEYOND!!!]

The point is that Team Melton looked puzzled. And so while they stared at me, I imagined them explaining to their future spouses that, since they felt ready to be parents now, it must be time to travel into town and purchase a ticket to win a cow. I tried to clarify: “So you can pray, but in order to make a baby, what has to happen is that a man’s penis has to go inside a woman’s vagina.” (Now is when my oldest child covered his ears, slid under the table and started rocking back and forth and repeating: I’M GOING TO DIE I AM GOING TO DIE MOM STOP TALKING MOM WE’RE EATING MOM I AM GOING TO DIE) But I warriored on because that’s what I do. I am a TRUTH TELLER AND TERROR SPREADER. “But that’s not the only way to make a baby. Now scientists can also take a woman’s egg and a man’s sperm and make a baby in a small plastic, like, container, dish thing. That’s another way.”

By now they were still staring, but their mouths had all gone slack, too. Chase was still chanting under the table. BUT I WARRIORED ON.

“The thing to remember is that sex is a special thing for older people who love each other deeply and are committed to each other. Like married.” Oh God, this part is tricky. Tricky, tricky, please don’t ask anymore questions.

And then my YOUNGEST said, “Well, if it’s the penis thing, then you don’t have to be married. You could just walk up to anybody and say: HEY: DO YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR PENIS IN MY VAGINA???”

This is when I was able to tell, just by his tomato face, that Craig had officially stopped trusting me to drive this train. Which was understandable but honestly man: don’t tell me with your face that there’s a problem UNLESS YOUR BRAIN HAS A SOLUTION. Craig’s solution was to put down his fork and say, over and over- one thousand million times. “NO. No, no, no, no. Nope. No. No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. No, honey. No. You DON’T SAY THAT. YOU DON’T EVER, EVER ASK THAT, AMMA. No. Nope. No.”

After No number one billion I decide to take back my train.

I say. “The thing is, there is a lot more to say about this. This is a long, lifelong conversation. (“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.” the boy adds sub-table. “NOOOOOO MORE!”) “YES. MORE. This is important. Sex is a grown-up, beautiful, wonderful thing that is about love and commitment and is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. I also want to add that if you repeat to your friends anything we’ve said here, I will not only deny having said it- I will also deny that you are my children.” As a parenting expert, I know that it’s important never to send mixed messages about shame.

Then I put us out of our collective misery by saying: LET’S GET BACK TO THIS ANOTHER DAY. How bout that? “YES,” they all said. “Or never,” the tween added. “Maybe we never, ever get back to this. This is not your best work, Mom.” True, I said. But it’s not my worst, either.

When I went to tuck my middle into bed a few hours later, she said: “Mama, remember dinner?”

Yes, I remember dinner and I remember the Alamo and likely they were equally disastrous.

“Well, Mom, I am imagining that my head is a house. Way up here is the attic. I am going to put that story about the penis and the vaginas and the plastic containers up here in the attic. I’ll know it’s up there if I need it, but I don’t want to see it out laying around the house. Okay?”

WEIRD CONFUSING PARABLES AND METAPHORS! YES! THAT’S MY GIRL!

What I’m saying here is: That went well. Some things don’t get easier. Some conversations are hard and awkward and imperfect and all we have to do is keep having them anyway.

My daughter who is going to be 21 October 5th has always loved animals. She did not like dolls just stuffed animals or real animals. She has had enough of every kind of animal that my house could be called a pet cemetery. She doesn’t like kids especially babies. Here I am a 2nd grade teacher and really enjoy the young ones. We were at the store one day and of course there were kids and babies everywhere. She said, “Why would you do that to yourself?” I have told her over and over that it’s fine if she doesn’t have children and that some people choose not to have kids. But that day I just told her it was because I just wanted to have sex with her dad. Yes, I could be blunt at times, hopefully that took care of that.

This is so wonderful! I too believe in being honest and open and also in answering the question asked and (trying) not to go too far beyond. And my husband also thinks I have said too much and doesn’t like how I’ve been driving the train. This started w/ questions my 6-year-old had about the purpose of testicles. So my husband and I sit down and painstakingly work out how we’re going to answer his questions about how babies are made. And we sit down together and my husband gives the shpiel, and I praise my son for being so curious and asking so many great questions. And then I say, “So, do you have any other questions?” Long pause, and he says, “Yeah. Who created God?”

That was hilarious! We are a doctor and nurse with three girls, our sex conversations were very technical, until one day our male Dalmation decided to demonstrate the procedure with our female Dalmation in our living room. Easter morning we spent in delivery of 19 puppies, then headed for church. I found out after church that our daughter had explained in great detail the entire process to the children’s department. Mothers everywhere thanked us .

Thank you for writing this… so much, thank you! I’ve laughed out loud as I’ve been sat here, imagining your kids and the way the whole family reacted. The, ‘Noooooooooo, no, no, no, no, nope, no etc’ part really made me laugh so hard. I’m glad even bonafide card-carrying parenting experts have these moments.

And you can’t back-pedal either, or the whole sound of your message is lost in the screech of the brakes before your train of thought falls off the rails, the kids are more confused than ever and you totally lose face with your husband!

I’ve been backing out of the tough questions and ‘pausing for thinking of the right words’ – hah – so that my husband jumps in and answers, but you’ve given me a kick up the backside to warrior ahead and answer, no matter how uncomfortable it is, as I just don’t know how funny the results of the conversation may be… 😀

Hahahaha love this! Way to go Warrior! We have very open talks about sex in our household…three kids, 20, 17 and 11. My poor 11 year old knows more about vaginas and penises than most 25 year olds! Nothing is off the table for topic. When you’ve got dating teenagers in the house, sex needs to be talked about…and I won’t deny that I’ve embarrassed my kids, and their boyfriend or girlfriend, many times…but they always seem to enjoy our talks and always ask lots of questions! Open lines of communication is the only route to go when it comes to sex talks with the kids!

We were in a “zoo” in Mexico a few years ago with my then 3 and 4 year old girls. We came upon two ginormous sea turtles in an exhibit, having sex. The zoo-keeper teenage boy said that they had been like that for 3 days, one on top of the other, just coasting around. Three days! Nothing premature about any of that.

This was the first real sex my kids had ever seen up close. The conversations on the rest of the Mexican vacation were epic. My favorite was my 3 year old, Kara, asking, “So, which hole can a boy put their penis in before it counts as sex? So my vagina, ok. What about my nostril? Is that sex? What if a boy puts his penis in my ear, is that sex?”

As we were driving 70kph downa major road in town, my 6 years old hollered from the back seat “What is masterbastion?” My husband nearly lost control of the car as he stared at me in horror and accusation ( as if I’d put him up to it). I cleared my throat and replied that Daddy would explain it when we got home. (giving Ken his second heart attack in as many seconds. See I grew up with out any boys in the family (well my Dad was around for some of it) and my husbands mom left Planned parenthood pamphlets on the dining room table. So we get home and Ken gently takes our son upstairs. Five minutes later he comes down grabs the bottle of Crown Royal, does bother to pour any in a glass, puts it back in the cupboard and says “OK that is done”. To this day I’mnot sure what our son learned that day sn if I’m going to need to fill in the blanks later on.

Hilarious! Our talks with our kids have gone much easier, I think anyways, as they started breeding their sheep, chickens, and rabbits by the time our eldest was 8. You can learn a lot from observation of the “birds and the bees” which means we as parents get to talk about the love and commitment stuff more than the penis and vagina stuff – so much easier! There was one backfire though when our youngest was in 1st grade. During share time she told how her rabbits “had sex” and were going to have babies. Her teacher said she explained everything really clearly and well, used the correct terms, was matter-of-fact about it, and so excited about the babies that the other kids only asked questions about them. I was mortified cause now we had “that kid” and worried that other patents would begin to tell their kids they couldn’t play with mine. The teacher reassured me that probably wouldn’t happen but she did ask us to explain when is appropriate to talk about such things in the future!

I had similar experience when I had a hysterectomy when my daughter was in kindergarten. We were honest and direct with her about what it all meant. One day while I was recovering, she came home from school (5 year olds, these are), and pronounced, “There are some not very bright kids in my class, Mom. They don’t even KNOW what a uterus is!” I can only imagine how that day went. LOL

Mom of 3 teen boys here. 10 years ago when the oldest was 6, he needed a chest x-ray which he had had before, and thought was fascinating. Since the X-ray room was just across the hall, I agreed to the tech’s suggestion (and my son’s pleading eyes) to wait there. Big mistake. After she deposited him back in the room with me, he immediately asked what his penis had to do with making babies. Huh? Where the heck did THAT come from? She apparently had explained that the lead apron is to protect his privates so he could have children someday. Oh THANK you X-ray tech lady for sparking this convo!!

I told him we would discuss it later. My son scrutinized my face and accusingly asked why I didn’t want to tell him right then. I tried as casually as I could, to brush it off, saying it was more than just a quick answer, and I did not want to be interrupted, by the doctor’s imminent return, which WAS true. But the biggest reason was that I was SO caught off guard, thinking I would have a few more YEARS before I needed to have this conversation, that I needed to buy a few more minutes to collect my thoughts. I tried to matter of factly answer just his initial question, as if this were all routine and I wasn’t nervous about using the right tone, giving a healthy intro without shame, and framing it in the context love and marriage and ALL that stuff you hope to impart with just a few words and a sincere voice, but my answer prompted a follow up question, and another, and another, and pretty soon it was all out there. From ejaculation (“how does the man MAKE the sperm come out?”) to where the baby comes out (“women have a special opening, as a part of their privates”) we covered it all in one fell swoop. The funniest was when he asked how in the world someone ever thought of doing it in the first place, that it seemed so random!! (Yes, random!) I explained that God made our bodies so that when we get older. We WANT to do that, and that it was a long time before people even figured out that it had anything to do with babies.

I was thinking of how well it was going, as he remained calm and thoughtful, and I even thought to mention that my “full disclosure” child should NOT volunteer this info at school because it was something that the other kids’ parents might want to explain themselves. His response was a calm reassurance that there was no fear of that happening, as not only would they not believe him, but that he never wanted to even think of it again! His final thought on the matter was that it looked like he was going to have to adopt, as he and his wife were never going to have sex. Lol
In the years since, we have, of course, had many more conversations along with his brothers and my husband (who is always painfully uncomfortable and would prefer to be anywhere but in the room) but the best was when the oldest mischievously told me that he had changed his mind and would TOTALLY be interested in sex! After this enthusiastic declaration, he paused while I choked, grinned and said well, after I’m married of course! Gah!!

We’ve always been upfront about proper names for body parts. When my daughter was three and attending a very conservative religious preschool they began learning how to count syllables in words. According to the teacher, my daughter was extremely proud of herself for knowing that penis had two syllables and vagina had three. The class erupted in laughter but I got a note sent home asking me to talk to my daughter about when are appropriate times to discuss “intimate and personal body parts.”

Um, no. Just as some body parts need to be covered while other body parts are not, some topics should be saved for private discussions. I’m all for teaching children the proper name for all their parts, and I’m open for body parts discussion anytime – but children also need to be taught when it’s ok to talk about. SO not “shame on that teacher,” she just trying to keep things appropriate.

Actually, I think shame is what made that teacher uncomfortable… Teaching a 3 yo appropriate times for discussing private body parts? Bwhahaha! If the teacher just said, “You’re absolutely right!” and moved on there would be no issue. Generalizing anatomy is not private and personal, folks; it’s science. Lol

Oh Glennon. Leave it to you to make me laugh before I’m done with my coffee. So funny and sounds like something that would go on in my house. I was talking to my son about kissing girls the other day (he’s almost 12) and when I was done he said “I feel like you just told me the plot of a horror story.” So don’t feel bad, we are all scarring our children. LOL.

My four year old recently asked me, “Mommy, why does my penis get hard?” I basically told him it’s normal and that sometimes happens when you touch it (because how do you explain arousal to a four year old?) I’m all about being open and honest about these things but I felt like he wasn’t quite ready for the whole story yet.

Hilarious! When my girls were toddlers I taught them the real names of their body parts so one day in preschool at pickup I was told by a laughing teacher that during opposites, my daughter was asked the opposite of “bottom” and shouted “vagina”. Best thing about that is now at 9 she laughs about the story and is matter of fact about her body parts and how her body works. Keep on keeping it real!

We are pretty straightforward with the kids about body parts but the mechanics of sex and conception have not really come up in conversation yet – they just know that it takes a mom and dad to make a baby. They DO know how babies are born… though since all my kids were via C-section and they’ve heard lots of stories about their births, I had to do some quick backpedaling to explain that no, that wasn’t the USUAL method. Oops.

I truly love ALL the things you say. And the blogs. And the posts 🙂 But why so weird about sex? And the sex talks? My dad was a pharmacist. And my mother… Well she swore she would always be more forthright about the body then her mother. So I grew up with a very nonchalant view of the human body as for the birds and bees. There’s always the regular woman shame thanks to our culture…but for the most part…why are people so weird about talking about the most basic, important thing that makes us human?

I absoultely LOVE you and this article! You give me hope that I can really be okay if I actually have a child. The humor you add into your story is amazing..reminds me of myself!

Side note: I learned about sex from my strict grandmother who raised me, and all she said, was not to do “it” because if I do “it”, then I will be out of the “will” of God. So, it took me forever to know what the “it” was, and did not learn what the “will” of God was for many many more years after. So, go figure how that went…I eventually became a Christian Sex Therapist…how ironic is that..ha!

In 1969, our family was having a heated discussion at the dinner table related to sex, mostly between my pastor father and feminist sister. Five kids ranged in age from 4 to 21. In a moment of silence, my 4-year-old brother said, “I LOVE sex.” When all eyes were on him, he announced, “especially caterpillars.”

When my now-24-yr-old daughter was 3, and sitting on her little potty chair one day, she said, “Moooooommmmy?!” in that tone of voice that denotes NOTHING easy is coming next.

3yo: “Mommy?! I have this hole in the back, and that’s where the poop comes out.”
Me: “Yes?” (that encouraging question mark that says “say more, please.”
3yo: “And I have this hole in the front where the pee-pee comes out.”
Me: “Yes?”
3yo: “And I have this hold in the middle. What’s that?”
Me (thinking “Thank God she didn’t ask yet ‘what comes out if there?’!”) “That’s your vagina. All girls and ladies have one.”
3yo: “My bur-jigh-ner. Daddy doesn’t have one?”
Me: “Nope. Just girls and women.”
3yo: “So, you have a bur-jigh-ner? And Miss Karen (her preschool teacher) has a bur-jigh-ner, and Aunt Laura has a bur-jigh-ner, and Grandma (my VERY uptight, proper mother) has a bur-jigh-ner?”
Me: “Yes, but we don’t need to ask Grandma, OK?”

The next day at preschool, she goes running up to her best friend, “A”.
3yo: “Guess what!? I have a bur-jigh-ner, and you have a bur-jigh-ner, and my Mommy, and your Mom, and our Grammas — but we aren’t supposed to talk to the Grammas about it!”
A: “No. I. Don’t!”
Miss Karen (who’s also A’s mother): “Yes, you do. Go out and play now.”

Currently potty training our 3-year-old, and my husband had a conversation like this with our daughter. The next day she eagerly said, “Mommy, Mommy! I have to tell you something, IN YOUR EAR!! … Girls have vaginas!” Then she broke down in giggles. I looked over at my husband who shrugged his shoulders, and said, “I just told her the truth.” He couldn’t bring himself to tell her what boys have, though. 🙂

I think…no, I know, you are brilliant. I’m blessed to have found you, as your honest words are such a gift. Please consider, in future sex talks, when age-appropriate, to include something about miscarriages.

Hilarious! When my 10 year old son asked,”How do babies get in there?” I gulped and told him everything. All the while he was was moaning and saying such things as,”Ew! and Gross! etc.” Finally he said, “You mean you and Dad had to do that THREE TIMES?!?!?” Apparently, my attempt at conveying how wonderful and beautiful sex is missed him completely! (He is now happily married with two kids conceived the old-fashioned way, so I guess I didn’t mess him up too badly! 🙂 )

just had a lovely moment talking to my grown up, married son. we were talking about grandchildren being put off for awhile because he had been without work for a bit. he said, “well not to get too technical but we aren’t trying too hard not to get pregnant.”. i told him his dad & i had him & his brother by not being too technical. our conversation moved on to other things. 😉

OMG, so much laughter…THIS is how the conversation is going to be happening around my house when the time comes, too. Oh, and I want to come to your house for dinner-it sounds so many levels of awesome!

I LOVE this story. One of my very favorite stories is about my conversation with my oldest (now 15) about sex. He was probably 9 at the time. I have always felt like the best approach with tricky, mature questions is to be honest but give minimal information. If my children need more, they will ask for more. I was tucking my son into bed and he said “Mom, how does a baby get into a mom’s tummy?”. I gave the most basic info possible, and he followed by saying “but, how?”. So, I gave a little more, followed by “but, how?”. This continued until I had told him virtually everything – ending with “the man puts his penis in the woman’s vagina”. The room was silent for at least a full minute – which felt like an hour. He finally spoke up and said “So, then the man gets a new one the next day?”

That was the first time I read your blog, and I was loving all your commentary. I’m a mom of twin 5 year old girls (and 3 year old girl with 4th girl on the way) who have been asking A LOT about how babies are made. I’ve developed into a mom who’s always been very open and honest with my kids. At age 5, it’s tough to figure out what’s age appropriate to tell them. I tell them the minimal amount of info, but they’re inquisitive, so they keep pressing me. I’ll sort it all out, but it was so wonderful reading your hilarious account of your talk with your kids (I’m sure it will be one of many) and how your husband reacted (mine would behave exactly the same way). Thanks for the very amusing recounting, and good for you for how you handled the situation!

This might possibly be my favorite post in a long time. We are quickly approaching that conversation with our tween son–as the dreaded fifth grade bodies talk is coming around the corner. Thank you for your pearls of wisdom. I will likely think of you while having that talk in the future. And yes, I agree it is a lifelong, many times over, open dialogue, but that all said, I really needed this laugh tonight. XO

I remember reading “It’s so Amazing” (or was it “It’s Perfectly Natural”) with my older son. He was about 10 and we covered two chapters a night, one about male anatomy outside, one about female anatomy outside. Next one about male anatomy inside and another about female anatomy inside. The next one was about conceiving. He was so curious and excited but we said, “Wait until tomorrow night.” When tomorrow night came, He was so excited. When we finished the chapter, all he said was “Yuck.”

Those are both great books! “It’s so Amazing” is for younger kids, like 8-10ish. “It’s Perfectly Natural” (or is it “Perfectly Normal”? I can’t remember) is for adolescents and pre-teens. Both are so good. The information is just perfect for each age group. Plenty of information but so well written. I read the first one with my 8 year old this year, from cover to cover. Took us about 5 days. It didn’t feel awkward at all. Love those books!

I’m gonna have to remember these books!! I have a 4 yr old and a 1 yr old and my 4 yr old asked me how her baby sister got into my belly when I was pregnant with her sister and I just told her when a man and a woman love each other they can have a baby lol!! Then she asked how her baby sister will come out of my belly and I told her a magical zipper appears when the baby is ready to come out and then I’ll go to the drs and they will unzip my belly and pull her sister out! And then the zipper will disappear!! Every day she kept checking my belly for the zipper!! I loved this post!! My mom just sent me this!! I think I’ll have to start reading it more often and figure out how to tell her the truth!!

There are so many awesome books, for every age, to tell them the right amount of info. And they only seem to remember what they can handle. Get some books from the library and read with her. There are no magic zippers……unfortunately, because wouldn’t that be sweet ?

So we had a similar “talk” with my six year old son a few weeks ago. The whole penis in the vagina; sperm/egg, etc…, and he straight-faced said to me “OK mommy, let’s do that because I’m ready for a baby.” I had to stop from laughing and just say, “I don’t think God would be OK with that.” And we all moved on for another discussion another day.

Ok, this may be old school, but I tell them that Mom and Dad give each other a “special hug”. Usually, when they are littler, they don’t ask for more info. Mind you, they homeschool, so they may (or may not) be exposed to a bit less technical info than their away school counterparts.

I want them to learn the sacred before the technical. And I don’t mean to be prudish, but I think we can harm our children if, one, we give bad information and two, we give good information at the wrong time.

Glennon – I’ve read many of your posts before, but this truly is my favorite, and so perfectly truthful and right on point! It was the first thing I was reading from bed this morning and I laughed so hard I woke my husband up and read it again to him – As the Mom of an only child (tween girl) Thank you- Thank you. Warrior on.

So, so funny and so, so true. I was sexually abused when I was young and have such a time trying daily to make sex what is supposed to be, a holy thing. I know I need to do this in order to be able to tell my girls about sex in a good light. Thanks for bringing humor to a subject that is so hard and frightening and scary to me.

See!!! I’m not the only one! 😉
Last week my girlfriend and I were talking about how we talk to our kids about sex and babies. After that talk I realized I might need to step it up a bit, ensuring to be relaxed and natural.
That same day while listening to Tina Feys audio book while folding laundry, she said she got her period when she was 10. My daughter’s 10!!!
So that day after school while we were making a fire (8 yr old son there too), I bright it up.
In trying to describe why and how women’s cycle are… I maaaay have compared it to a snake shedding its skin. I maaaay have gotten flustered and compared it to throwing up?!?!? What the what?
I’m pretty sure all three of us left the conversation more confused then when we started! Ha.
Signed,
Your Fellow Parenting Expert

You are too funny! I laughed so hard I cried (like almost peed my pants I laughed so hard) and my hubby also cracked up. We’ve attempted the talk but our girls are so shy they just get embarrassed and run for the hills never to look back. I’m pretty frank and call the parts what they are with no cutesy nicknames.

I loved this a MILLION times over! I completely agree that it’s so important to be open and honest, but that can be a hard road take after growing up with the opposite approach. Thank you for this! At least we know we’re not alone.

Laughed.Out.Loud. For real, no internet “LOL” stuff here. My oldest is 10 and we’ve had several talks and she’s like “whatever.” My 5 year old son is too curious and literal and OMG I made the mistake of referring to sperm as a “seed” ONE DANG TIME. *sigh* He seems very matter of fact about it too but shew. He’s tough. Please let the third be easiest. Of course, we have only talked about biology so far and not the other stuff!

My thirteen year old daughter today said “I owe you one mom, seeing as how you squeezed me out of your lady bits.” I laughingly told her that she was never to speak of that again, and did agree that she owed me since she didn’t have the courtesy to wait for a doctor to show up when she was born! This parenting gig is not for the squeamish!

Glennon, there are tears running down my cheeks, and my side hurt from laughing. Thank you for your brutiful, brutiful honesty.

Before I had my current boring mid-level bureaucrat job, I used to do HIV counseling and testing. While I had that job, I had to get really comfortable talking to complete strangers about their sex lives in detail. I am so proud of my hard-won comfort level talking about sex, and I am SO HAPPY to share that comfort level ALL THE TIME with my teenage daughters. And I can’t tell you how happy and proud they are to have a Mom who doesn’t get embarrassed about this stuff. Literally, I can’t tell you — because every time I open my freaking mouth, they run from the room with their fingers in their ears and saying “LALALALALALA I CAN”T HEAR YOU LALALALALALALALA OH MY GOD WHY CAN’T I HAVE A NORMAL MOTHER LALALALALA PLEASE JUST STOP TALKING NOW.”

I absolutely admire your style of writing. It is such fun to read (especially the guinea pig part!!) and that is especially amazing because the topic is far from easy to share and write about. Tank you!
I philosophy professionally with children of all ages (including adults 😉 and I philosophy with my own children, because it is something which comes naturally if not blocked by rules and labels of “right” and “wrong”. Children not only ask about sex but also about death and other messy topics. Thereby triggering our own fears. Sometimes it’s a good idea just to ask them back why this question is bothering them. Then you can find out more about their own way of thinking about things and whether there are certain fears/concerns/triggering events. I am frequently surprised by the stories behind the question and by the solutions children find for themselves and why they chose this particular solution. We actually don’t always have to present an answer. This is – at least to me – a very relieving realization. Often it’s leading to more insight on both sides if we just listen carefully and support children in their own way of dealing with things and at the appropriate places gently share our own experiences.
This of course is the ideal like an – often far away – star that’s guiding me ;-))

Oh my gosh, yes! Used this technique recently with my 5-year-old son when my grandfather died (he was very close to Grandpa). He had a lot of questions about death and dying, and in return, I would ask what he was thinking or why he was concerned before formulating an answer. I always answered honestly though, without euphemisms. I also answer his body curiosity questions simply and honestly. Sometimes he is satisfied with the answer, other times he asks additional questions.

If I don’t know the answer to one of his questions (or how to answer it in an age-appropriate way) I tell him, “You know, Mommy has to think about that one! Can you ask me again later and we’ll talk about it?” I think it validates their inquisitive minds when they know they are being heard and questions are welcomed. When I was a child and asked the difficult questions, the answer was usually, “Don’t ask that!” or “You’re not old enough to understand.” I quit asking and had a very difficult time finding my own way. I always vowed to myself, that should I ever have children, I will have open, non-judgmental conversations with them. So far I’ve been sticking to that promise, but I’m only 5 years into the world of parenting! 😉

The talk wasn’t too difficult with the girl child, but I better start thinking how I am going to explain this to the 6 & 7 yr old boys. I draw them a lot of pictures to explain things, I don’t think I want to doodle this! Lol, hurt my sides laughing, love the parables!

Oh, Sister, I am somewhere between you, Craig, & Chase in these conversations. Thankfully, my love, Rin, is much cooler under pair. My baby will be 13 in April, but she hit menarche 1 November 2013…at one of my oldest friend’s houses. Of course, she’d been prepped well beforehand on what to do, what would happen, & all of that; however, as you well know, the best laid plans can fall apart.

My poor girl very plaintively called for Rin from the bathroom just down the hall. I turned a brilliant shade of purple at her not so subtle request for help, & Tommy, my friend I’ve known since I was 14, tried to keep cool. When English returned, I told him that he was most welcome for the early practice for his wee baby girl. 😛

After we got back home, we had to sit her down & have a few uncomfortable conversations. On the whole, I had left it up to Kero to come to one of us with questions when she was curious. The problem was that beyond the basic science of how periods & puberty worked, there had been no questions because she was just not interested. Unfortunately, menstruation meant having the conversation whether she wanted to or not. (She’s still not interested. She knows the mechanics, etc, but she cares not at all for the idea.)

Now, as I mentioned, we’d been having periodic conversations with my girl since she was seven & she started to just barely be blossoming. She discovered this in a Goodwill dressing room as she reached her small hands up & grabbed a handful of each side of her chest & comment about her “handfuls”. Loudly. I tried (unsuccessfully) to sink into the floor while her Godmother Rin gently moved her hands & said something appropriate about how “yes you certainly do, but we shouldn’think announce it to the entire store, & maybe later, we can go shopping for some new camisoles for you, won’t that be fun?”

I suspect there was a silly comment about not making mommy make such funny noises, but the situation was handled with grace & aplomb. Also, camisoles are GREAT for small girls who start to get those little points that one day will be breasts. They help avoid teasing, since they help keep those wee points from poking through normal shirts AND they get them ready for the day they -really- need to wear even just a sports bra because running hurts. Two jobs in one.

I’m grateful everyday for Rin, because without her, I’ve no idea what I’d do, especially with embarrassing subjects…because most of the time, I’m back in that Goodwill dressing room trying to sink into the floor.

Fantastic! I’ve been using the book “It’s So Amazing” to help me with this one. It’s good, but also gets side-tracked and into questionable tangents during the critical chapters, so I think it might be impossible to avoid that tendency.

I’m cry-laughing over here! My first “where do babies come from” talk with my 7 year old covered everything from IVF to surrogacy to adoption – with a grade 11 textbook worth of human biology terms thrown in for good measure. I don’t think she’ll be asking again anytime soon 😛

this is so awesome. Laughing so loud I might wake my kids up. But seriously, my husband and I have joked about how we will explain how babies are made: sometimes, when s man and woman love each other very much, they go to a doctor who puts their sorry and eggs together in a dish. Since that’s how we have two sets of twins.