Too hard to carry on

a year and a half ago. that's when me and my girlfriend decided to have an abortion. we decidec her being still in school and me looking for a job , we couldn't have a child. It happened by accident a condom ripped.
Since then I can't get over it. I've become aggressive , been drinking , lost my girlfriend and many friends because of my attitude. I can't forgive myself for taking a child's live.
Is me feeling so bad about myself punishement for what I did ? Maybe.
I have nightmares , a child is crying in a house , I'm looking in the house , everywhere , but I can't find her.
I couldn't protect my daughter, I failed as a dad , and a human being.
I've tried to fight it but I don't know what to do, I can't forget her, I can't forgive myself.
A year and half of this , I don't have any fight left in me. I know she would be ashamed of me. And it would be another thing i'm sorry to her for , but I don't know what to do anymore.

A decision was made together at the time there was no way you could be a father or her a mother YOu did what you had to do and it took strength but now you have to move forward. Get therapy for you now ok I was you gf decison to and for everyone at the time it was the right decision

I am in a very similar situation. My ex- gf had an abortion 3 months ago and I am deeply hurt by this. I am trying my best to not idealize my gf and remain as sane as possible. You are greiving the loss of your child and gf and the dreams of having a family and being a father. All of these are powerful and deeply affecting attachments.
You need to be able to talk with someone, a therapist, and have a consistent and uninterupted relationship within which you can share all of this. Grieving the loss of loved ones is one of the most painful experiences someon can go through but can nurture all the compassion and love you clearly need to express with loved ones and yourself.
Your baby would want you to love yourself and make sure that you look afer her dad(you).

Hun, we all do what we believe is the best thing at the time when decisions are made.......... sometimes we find that the consequences of what we decided are painful. That's the reality of life. To every action, there is a consequence. I wish I had known that myself before some of my decisions.

But, it does not need to stop there. Don't waste your sorrows........... There's a book of that name by Paul E. Bellheimer. Started reading it last night, and am finding it so good, in the way it gives explanations about stuff, about life etc.

Sorrows can be great learning curves.

The issue of forgiveness looms..... investigate how, and why, and you will come through this, promise

I realise that as the father I have no rights what so ever , and even if at the time I hade voiced my concerns it still would have been her decision, and as we got closer to the abortion date I became more and more concerned if we were making the right decision.

Maybe if I would have said something , thinks might have been different I'd give the world to change the decision we made.
It's not so much I wanted a family yet (I was 18 at the time) but many people who have been through an abortion will understand me when I say that even if it isn't a child yet it feels like it and between being an unprepared father and a murderer (which is what I see myslef as) I'd pick unprepared father everytime.