The Challenge: Battle of the Exes Power Rankings WEEK 5 – A Night At Club Oh No

When you’re in la Republica Dominicana (or as our competitors call it “Dominicana Republica”) and you end up at a place called Club Oh No with 14 of the most debauched people in the world, you know you’re going to see fireworks. It might not have been on the same level as Vinny’s sexual assault on Mandi but Camila’s magical outburst did not disappoint. The fiery Brazilian wanted more attention from Johnny Bananas, so she proceeded to attempt to hook up with any local she could get her hands on.

When it was time to go home and Camila was basically dragged out of Club Oh No by her weary roommates, she did the most logical thing: she lay in wait in Johnny’s bed. Señor Bananas needs his beauty sleep so he sent some female lackeys to handle his partner. SHE DID NOT TAKE IT WELL. Needless to say, Jasmine would have been damn proud of Camila’s chair smashing. Finally, after getting so heated, she decided to cool off in the pool fully clothed. Just another night in the Challenge house.

ELIMINATED-Abram & Cara Maria (Last week: 6)After proposing to Abram that they move in together, Cara Maria broke the maniac’s heart by changing her mind and deciding she wanted to wait a year for financial reasons. Hey Cara, if you need money you shouldn’t crush your partner before you’re about to compete in an elimination on a reality show in which you could win hundreds of thousands of dollars. Either that, or make a sex tape. So it’s time for this wacky couple to head home and my dream of mid-Challenge sex has to wait another season.

6. Rachel & Aneesa (LW: 5)Team Ellen made nice with Mark and Robin after all the mud-slinging last week, but I can’t believe that their reborn friendship is too strong. I’m actually really upset their hasn’t been more lesbian action this season. Although Rachel is smoking hot and a physical force amongst the ladies in the competitions, I just can’t have this team higher unless she makes out with someone. Ball’s in your court, Rach!

5. Dunbar & Paula Walnuts (LW: 4)Again, it’s Paula to the rescue jumping into the pool in her non-matching underwear to rescue Camila. While not imposing at first sight, this team has done a great job at staying under-the-radar. They’re also getting along fairly well now, even calling each other “baby,” which a lot of the teams seem to be doing and is by far my favorite trend of the season. As long as this team doesn’t self-destruct, there’s a good chance they could make the Finals. With that said, I don’t like where Paula’s relationship with Ty is going. Any potential alliance with another group could make them a target of the Johnnys of the world, and the last thing Paula needs is for her emotions to get in the way of this wonderful game she’s playing. And I can’t believe I just said that.

4. Johnny Bananas & Camila (LW: 1)Finally cracks are starting to emerge in what appeared to be the most stable team. Here’s what I don’t understand. Camila is a pretty cute girl. All Johnny needs to do is put it in her and she’ll be happy. Why won’t you satisfy this poor Brazilian girl, Johnny? There’s nothing hotter than banging a crying demon-girl with makeup smeared all over her face. As a handsome guy myself with great hair and awesome customized T-shirts, we attract a certain type of crazy chick. However, I’ve never been paired with one in an attempt to win cash and Dr. Dre headphones. A real man takes Camila into the baño at Club Oh No and takes care of his teammate. I’m pretty sure that’s what LeBron and D-Wade do at Mansion. Instead, Johnny hurls insults as Camila’s boobs are popping out in the pool. I guess Johnny has a right to be upset since she’s putting his “livelihood in jeopardy.” Hey, I’d be mad too if I might have to get a real job.

3. Ty & Emily (LW: 2)This might be the only pairing where the dude is a liability. Emily is kicking ass and looking hot but Ty can’t seem to put a sentence together to explain why they shouldn’t keep going into the Dome. NEWS FLASH: the Power Couple usually throws in a couple they don’t like into the Dome. I was worried that Ty might run out of gas against Abram but he managed to put 30 seconds of physical exertion together, which is a new record for him. By the way, the over/under for how long he could last in bed with Paula is 20 seconds. The real tragedy of Battle of the Exes is that Laurel isn’t involved. She’s the only one that’s on Emily’s level when it comes to athleticism/bitchiness. Let’s hope they give me dome sometime, I mean, get in the Dome sometime.

2. CT & Diem (LW: 3)CT, I beg you. Just put somebody through a wall. I can’t take any more of this lovelorn puppydog crap. I’ve also never seen anyone as bitchy as Diem is to CT during the Challenges when all he’s trying to do is help her. Sorry that he’s yelling “JUMP!” in his outdoor voice, honey. This isn’t Silent Library. CT’s insane strength still gives this team a huge advantage.

1. Mark & Robin (LW: 7)We’ve reached the point in the season where there are no bad teams left and a good week could put a team on the brink back on top. That’s what happened with Mark and Robin. Old Man Mark absolutely destroyed the DON’T ROCK THE BOAT Challenge. Of course, Robin would get mad at me over that last sentence so let’s just say that they both did a great job. Robin’s jealously is definitely a giant X-factor for this team and a big reason why that although they might be the favorites today, they could easily be sent packing next week.