Crepe Murder 2014 is a national tragedy not only for the innocent trees so brutally attacked, but also for the many people who suffer permanent psychological scarring from witnessing these crimes. In honor of these victims, both wooden and flesh, Grumpy asks that all Americans lower Old Glory to half mast today.

The patriotic and compassionate citizens of Tyler, Texas are already on board. Here we see two crepe myrtles that have been chopped down into stumps every year for so long that they look more like hip joints — hip joints that need replacing. Please, everyone, remove your hats and observe a moment of silence in their memory.

Check back here this Sunday for winner #6. Hope it’s not your house! (BTW — although I do not know who Joel Baker is, he should feel free to generously compensate me for the tremendous publicity I have given his reelection campaign. Cash, of course.)

COMMENTS

John B.

Well… I would call this pollarding rather than murder. It’s a time-honored and legitimate horticultural practice, even if it’s not one you or I care for. I distinguish between murder and pollarding in that the latter is done consistently each and every year, resulting in the knobby stumps you see in the photo above. “Murder” is when the large limbs of a mature, naturally grown and otherwise beautiful tree are cut to stumps and then left to re-grow in a ghastly unnatural way, to be murdered again (or not) several years later. The latter practice is certainly far too common, completely unnecessary, and destroys the natural beauty of the tree. The people doing it know nothing about pollarding and have probably never even heard the word.

March 10, 2014 at 12:24 pm

Colin McKnight

Actually, I think Joel Baker needs to be asked to sponsor legislation making crepe murder a crime in Tyler, TX.

March 6, 2014 at 4:25 pm

William D. Pryor

Start working at home with Google! Just work for few hours and have more time with friends and family. I earn up to $500 per week. It’s a great work at home opportunity. I can’t believe how easy it was once I tried it out. Linked here http://Pow6.ℭＯM