I’ve Read The Script And The Costume Fits

My WordPress dashboard tells me I’ve started writing this post and saved it seven eight times, so I’m just going to write it and publish it and hopefully get over the blogging block that’s been plaguing me for a year.

I also don’t want my blogging archives to go from 2015 straight to 2017 because continuity.

It’s been exactly a year since the children and I sold our house. It took me a week to move; we took the necessities to a very small apartment here in town and the rest went into a storage unit. When we moved into that old house in the woods, I thought it was the forever house, but the only guarantee regarding forever is ironically nothing is forever. Closing the door and leaving that life behind broke my heart into a gazillion pieces.

My divorce was finalized without fanfare in the summer of 2015. I found out the judge had signed off on the dissolution of my marriage via an email from my lawyer while I was in the nail salon getting a pedicure. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I look back on it now and sadly I can’t really visualize it any other way. Three years ago, my ex was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder and began to struggle with addiction, struggle being a gross understatement. Our life at the time unfolded into an absolute utter nightmare, I wouldn’t wish what he went through and continues to battle on my worst enemy. I think perhaps that him walking away from us was because he loved us, at least that’s what I tell myself in a deluded way of thinking that allowed me to get out of bed in the morning for the first six months after he left.

I bought a lovely townhouse in May and moved again for the second time in less than five months. I know it is rather cliché to divorce and live in a townhouse, but look, anything to keep from raking pine needles and cleaning gutters.

My kids are doing amazing and I can’t believe how lucky I am, they are my favorite humans.

Looking at these photos and typing this, it seems like a lifetime ago. I guess there are just some chapters you just don’t read aloud. Or in this case, some blog posts you just don’t publish.

I’m not going to sugarcoat this mess, shit was bleak, and I am so very proud of us, my little family. I feel like we can finally exhale and we are exactly where we were meant to be. It is weird and freaking scary and looks so much more different than I ever imagined, but I do know that fun becomes fun, love becomes love, and I am grateful.

Oh, how I’ve missed you! But also know firsthand how seriously effed up life can get. Welcome to the other side, if it can ever be that simple. Perhaps better to just say hi. And give you a (stupid digital) hug.

Rebeca

Corrie

Saturday, 31 December, 2016 at 22:48

Oh Zak!! I am so, so, so very sorry. I know that doesn’t mean much coming from a complete stranger who lives halfway across the world, but I say out and mean it anyway. I am so proud of you and the offspring for being resilient!
If it makes you feel any better, we have posted a blog post since the summer of 2014! Completely different reasons, but a block nonetheless.
Every time I see squirrel stuff I think of you. I think I have shared some to your FB page, too. Aaaaaannnnndddd now I sound creepy. I’m not! Promise!
Anyway, I missed you and writing and your fun pictures.

Mona

Traci Moore

Sunday, 1 January, 2017 at 3:51

Coming from a complete stranger, I was/am in the same boat you are. Married 24 years and divorce final Dec 14. Never pictured my life this way but it is what it is. The substance abuse is hard to watch but glad my kids are away from it. This is our new beginning too…moved into new house, sold old house, making new fun memories. It’s hard everyday but us mom’s are going to do what we hope is best for our babies!! Hoping 2017 brings us both joy and peace and laughter….hugs from Texas!!
Ps….have missed your blogs that made me roll with laughter reading them!!

Kate

Kate S.

Sunday, 1 January, 2017 at 14:46

I have missed your blog posts so much and thought of you surprisingly often! I am so glad to see this post, even if it was wrought out of terrible pain. I hope 2017 brings you brighter things and that you’ll share them with us!

SJ

LB

Liz

Sunday, 1 January, 2017 at 18:59

It is so nice to hear that you and your awesome kids are okay. Sometimes the only way out is through, and getting there is one step in front of the other. Congratulations on making it as far as you have!

Karen

Sunday, 1 January, 2017 at 19:41

I am so glad that you are back. I know I am a total stranger, but I have followed your blog for years now and always looked forward to it. You always made me smile and a lot of times laugh. I always thought you were someone it would be so fun to hang out with. I am so happy that your life is getting better. Wishing all the best for you and looking forward to your blogging again.

Holland VanDieren

Twinkle

Sunday, 1 January, 2017 at 21:03

I understand living with a person with a mental illness. It’s heartbreaking to not recognize the person you chose.
You are doing what’s best for you and your family. You are doing a great job. You are wonderful.

JennyMac372

Sunday, 1 January, 2017 at 21:43

Hi Z, I have missed your blog posts. Everytime I see squirrels, I think of you. Strangley, we moved in July and have had both flying squirrels and grey squirrels living in our addict…I can’t say I am not a huge fan, because I didn’t sleep for a month in October. ??

I am sorry to hear what you have been through in the past year or so. I use to work for NAMI-RI and I have heard many families speak of similar stories such as yours. Your children are so lucky to have such a strong mom to help them through it all. My wish for you is that 2017 brings you and your loved ones peace, comfort, hope and awesomeness! ❤

Leslie {Ms. Magpie}

Deb F.

Monday, 2 January, 2017 at 5:57

I am so glad to see you are all well. AND, this is so freaky. I thought just last night “I need to look to see if ‘Raising Colorado’ has surfaced. I do that sometimes: I think of something from long ago and the next day something crops up relating to it. If only I could use this to win the lottery. Good luck to you and your little family.

Becky

Erica

Lydia

Thursday, 5 January, 2017 at 10:43

For joy that you are back! I have checked your blog at least once every two weeks to see what was up. So happy to hear you all are doing well. Divorce can be the most painful, altering, and liberating change of your life. Big hugs girl.

Kimmee

So sorry to hear about all your struggles. Not that it’s probably much comfort, but I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 back in 2009 (although I’ve probably had it at least 10 years longer than that) and haven’t blogged much in the past 18 months because my T1 was (psych) hospitalized last summer and most likely has BP1 also, although so far it’s just generic “mood disorder” because they were 11 at the time (13 now) and much more depressed than manic.

I wish you and your kids nothing but the absolute best. I also hope that your ex is smart enough to get the help he needs to get his life back together because it is possible to manage BP, just like it’s possible to manage T1. Both have their ups and downs and can turn on a dime, but over time you learn how to see things when they’re coming and help head them off and push through it and learn to cope and healthily deal with what comes.

Megan

Wednesday, 8 February, 2017 at 17:09

I Love your writing and have often checked back to see if there was an update. I’m so glad you are all doing ok. Also, I had a squirrel collection as a kid, and got rid of the whole collection. My kids decided I need to re-start it – and I now have a squirrel mug, my first piece.
Anyway – it sounds like it was so painful but glad to see things looking brighter for you! Thanks for the post, they always make me smile.

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Becky

Wednesday, 6 September, 2017 at 10:02

Z- I was an avid reader for many years and stopped when it seemed you became very busy speaking. I just linked here from a FB memory of your homemade stain remover. Such enormous changes lived and challenges met. I’m very happy to read and see that you and yours are emerging through.