The secrets of the universe are soon to be revealed! I am Baba Doodlius, and I know all! Well, truth be told I only know "most", but since nobody knows "all" I can just make up the stuff I don't know and nobody will be the wiser. That's the First Secret of Baba Doodlius! More to come.
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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Howdy all you hackers compromising the firewall of Obfuscation to get to the juicy mainframe of Truth! Baba Doodlius here, with a Revelation of another Mystery of the Universe!

To those of you (one of you, anyway - thanks for your concern, Poetikat!) who were wondering why I haven't been posting any Revelations recently, I would like to wholeheartedly apologize. As to where I've been and why I have been silent recently, all I can say is that my activities have been Top Secret. I could tell you what I've been up to, but then I'd have to kill you. And none of us would want that

All I can say about what I've been up to is that it involved some travel to Russia (please don't pry, I'd really hate to have to unleash my Bird Fu on you). While I was there, I was reminded of an old Mystery of the Universe which has not received much attention lately, so I figured I'd trot it out, dust it off, and solve the Mystery once and for all. The case I am referring to is the

Tunguska Event!

This is an old story which doesn't get much press nowadays, so in case you're unfamiliar with it I'll summarize: In 1908, an enormous explosion occurred over the Stony Tunguska River Valley in central Siberia. This monstrous blast felled trees in a 20 mile radius and was calculated to be 1,000 times more powerful than the Hiroshima nuclear bomb.

Imagine an area of over 800 square miles looking like this. Yikes.

Ever since then, people have been trying to figure out what caused such enormous destruction. The leading theories are:

1) Earth was hit by an asteroid or comet.Artist's conception of an impending asteroid strike on the Earth

1) Yes, Earth gets smacked by space junk all the time, but impacts leave behind evidence like craters, fragments, or at least some interesting chemicals. Almost nothing was found at Tunguska. Besides, as cool as it sounds, this would be an entirely too mundane and boring solution to this Mystery.

3) Tesla, smart as he was, had no way of generating 10 Megatons of explosive power. In 1908 he was so broke he couldn't afford to generate enough power to blow his nose. So this one's out too.

You are now saying, "Yeah, Baba, you do this every time - you run off a few theories and then shoot them down with your brilliant analysis, and finally reveal the real Truth at the end. So why don't you just get on with it already?"

Jeez, you readers can get so impatient!

But you know I only want to make you happy, so I will now reveal the Actual, Total, Real, 100-percent Truth about the cause of the Tunguska Event.

I didn't even have to travel back in time (using my patented Reverse K.E.G. Process) to figure out the Truth behind this mystery - plenty of evidence was readily available. For countless hours (OK, it was only 2) I poured over photographs from the devastated Siberian landscape taken after the blast. After intense examination of these pictures, I discovered one that had been overlooked (intentionally? We may never know) by previous investigators. This single image gives tremendous insight into the cause of the disaster.

Direct your attention, if you will, to the following actual, unretouched Tunguska photograph:

There was a secret building in the middle of the blast region! A research facility? A military installation, maybe? The sign, written in Russian, says:

I had an expert in Russian literature translate it to English, which unequivocally revealed the terrifying cause of the Tunguska blast. The sign reads:

"Taco Bell"

Some foolish Russian mad scientist had built a secret prototype Taco Bell restaurant!

Now I don't know about you, but I have had a little bit of experience with modern-day Taco Bell food, and I can attest to its terrible explosive aftereffects! Just imagine the deadly power of the experimental Taco Bell food of a century ago! It took only a few Russians eating Bean & Cheese Burritos to render a huge swath of Russia desolate and uninhabitable for decades!

Be thankful that since that simpler time science has been able to bring the awesome power of Taco Bell food under control (well, mostly) and harness it for good (well, mostly) rather than evil.

I think my husband would agree with you, and if not for the fact that it was so many years ago (long before I was born) he would suggest that maybe I was one of the "culprits" behind it. Such a funny revelation.

These days, you can eat at Taco Bell like the King of a very poor 3rd world nation for less than 5 bucks. Ironically, that same 5 bucks could probably feed a 3rd world nation for longer than it takes me to shit out the Taco Bell. Sad really. Better not to dwell on it though, eh?

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The Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius

Let me explain... no, there is too much. Let me sum up:

The Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius is a citizen of the Universe, and resides there full time. He enjoys eating, sleeping, chewing up blocks of wood, and pondering the deepest secrets of the Cosmos that have remained unexhumed and unexamined for countless millenia. All that and he's darned cute as well.