A FIFA15 player was incandescent with rage after succumbing to a 3-0 defeat at the hands of his former best friend. Barry Turtlehead, 19, of Preston was playing as Paris Saint Germain against his friend David Carpet, manning the helm of Manchester United.

“This was bullshit from start to finish”, fumed a disconsolate Turtlehead. “Straight off the bat the players just didn’t want to score”.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic had already tested Barry’s patience by hitting the post and ballooning an absolute sitter by the time he was scythed down just outside the penalty area on 31 minutes by Michael Carrick, forcing him off with an ankle injury. “Dave only selected Carrick ‘cos he knows I hate him, and then he crocks my best striker, the toss pot”.

Cavani was subbed on, but the resulting free kick was also a naff effort, tamely hitting the wall and triggering a counter attack which resulted in a Manchester United corner. “So Thiago Silva’s marking Schweinsteiger in the middle and beats him to the ball but heads it against Sideshow Bob’s bloody afro and it goes in for an own-goal. Absolute piss take”.

With the score just 1-0 at half time, ‘Turts’, as he is known to his mates, still felt confident he could get back into it, even slyly switching his team mentality to ‘Attacking’ while Carpet went to get another beer. However, the PSG players’ abject profligacy in front of goal continued after the interval, much to his dismay.

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing”, Turts recounted, disbelievingly. “An inch-perfect through ball from Pastore to Cavani and he has the first touch of a constipated elephant. Di Maria’s blatantly having his shirt tugged by Blind and the ref does nothing. I lost count of the misses, bad decisions, wayward passes”.

Barry, convinced that the game itself had made a conscious decision to make him lose, asked with desperation, “What can I do as a player? I get the guys into great goal scoring situations and I aim and shoot. It is then up to the game to decide whether that ball misses or not. Not me. I did all I could. The GAME didn’t want me to win. Simple as.”

To compound his misery, Dave then engineered a red card for Serge Aurier for a trip in the box, converting the resulting spot kick with none other than Michael Carrick. United’s third goal came on the counter in the dying moments of the game after PSG had been switched to ‘All-Out Attack’. The second Rooney had side-stepped the on-rushing Kevin Trapp, Turtlehead was seen to drop the controller and remark, “Well I’m not even playing any more so well done”.

Summing up his experience, the 19-year old was unrelenting in his criticism of his opponent. “I’m not having that. What a waste of time. He didn’t have to do the Suarez brick-fall dive celebration after every goal either. He’s a dick. I’m never playing him again.”