Through a new online portal, you can now petition the president directly. And concerned citizens are using their new power to address our country's most pressing issue: aliens.

Among the petitions currently visible on the new "We the People" portal (many of which, as Politico points out, relate in some way to marijuana legalization), this one caught our eye: "formally acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race - Disclosure." Full text:

"We, the undersigned, strongly urge the President of the United States to formally acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race and immediately release into the public domain all files from all agencies and military services relevant to this phenomenon."

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Hundreds of military and government agency witnesses have come forward with testimony confirming this extraterrestrial presence. Opinion polls now indicate more than 50% of the American people believe there is an extraterrestrial presence and more than 80% believe the government is not telling the truth about this phenomenon. The people have a right to know. The people can handle the truth.

The petition also includes a link to the Paradigm Research Group Portal, which has a counter displaying the number of days Obama has been in office without acknowledging the existence of aliens. It's been 977 days, you guys! And it's not like he's had other stuff to do. Pardon me for not taking this effort seriously, though — the petition has 2,154 signatures as of this writing, which is just 2,846 away from its goal of 5,000. And when the Paradigm folks reach that goal, everyone in the US government will have to take off their human-head hats and show us the slavering, insectile mouth-parts that 80% of us believe they have.