I can’t. The treatment center called. I asked the question I shouldn’t have asked “what’s it like?” And holy heck I am crying under a desk right now. I can’t. I don’t want to go. I can’t do it. I’m so sick thinking about just going near there and I can’t function. Top it off with I have to get re-medically cleared which just means more scales more doctors more telling people, more trusting people and I just can’t. It’s too much. I am too overwhelmed.

My mom says “I know it’s scary” and all I want is to scream NO YOU EFFING DON’T KNOW. It’s not scary it’s so damn terrifying that the prospect of slowly killing myself my starving to death seems like the obvious and clear right choice. You don’t know how that feels or to feel so out of control that the fear has you curled up under a desk, crying.
I can’t do this. Telling was the wrong decision. It was bad and now this is my punishment. I can’t go. I HAVE to find a way out. OMGosh what have I gotten myself into.

When I eat and the hunger goes away even a little I always feel like I have overeaten, like a failure and then when the hunger comes back I am always relieved and more relieved the sooner it does. This is one of the things I hate the most.

Since I came to the realization that this was more than just protective eating against myself I have been trying to find the courage to recover. A big part of that has been not feeling alone by following a blog on Tumblr, Eating Disorder Confession (http://eatingdisorderconfession.tumblr.com). This is blog made for confessions for those suffering from any kind of eating issue- It is NOT Pro-Eating Disorder and only serves as a support system for those trying to seek help and recovery. As I have come to grips with the fact that I am facing a monster I can’t handle alone I have submitted a multitude of confessions. Whether this helps you recover or not I guess remains to be seen but I think, for me, it has helped me feel less alone, more inspired to recover and okay to feel not okay.

So here are some of the confessions that were mine. Whether they represent a good or bad day.

Every year on New Years I make a wish. This year I wished that I find the courage to seek help and to overcome this beast. I wished the same for all of you too.

Yesterday, I told someone. Today, I am simultaneously happy that she has been so supportive and petrified to have to do that again but with the doctor this time. I’m not sure I can do it. I hope she doesn’t give up on me.

All I want to do is tell right now. I want to tell. I hate this life. I hate battling the stomach pain, the guilt, the lightheadedness when I stand up, the bloody noses when I purge, the fear, the anxiety, the weak body, constantly being sick, destroying my metabolism, all of it. This is my accountability post. The post I’ll look at when my ED starts to convince me to stay silent and use it to instead go against it and tell. I want to be done, feel safe, have someone to turn to and mostly, live.

Sitting on Main Street at Disney World. This is only the happiest place on earth if you don’t have an eating disorder. Right now it is the most miserable, food obsessed, triggering place on Earth.

When my friends say they don’t eat or they didn’t eat it makes me feel disgusted of myself if I ate that day.

Today I tried to do better. I tried to eat something I don’t see as “safe”. After I ate it I didn’t feel hate, remorse or sick. I felt… normal. Once I realized that it was like my sick mind turned on and then convinced me those positive thoughts weren’t really true so I went a purged all of it… I was so close to succeeding with just one food, just one time and I couldn’t even do that. This thing has a death grip on me.

I am to the point where I cry at the grocery store.

It’s been so long since I consumed a “healthy” number of calories that when I read how much I should eat or others tell me what that number should be, I am convinced they are lying.

Somebody please save me.

I’ve only told one person about my struggle eating. Today, I most needed her to reach out and she did. I may not be able/prepared to ask for help yet but I hope she knows her support continually shows me there will be people there for me no matter how long it takes, how terrible I feel that day, how awful I’ve been doing with eating/body image/etc. And that knowledge is what keeps saving me when I’m in the darkest moments of this thing.

I just wish I could go back to before the ED happened, maybe then I could’ve reached out before it got to this point.

I’ve lost a lot of weight, but I look down at myself and think I’m the same size.

I’m scared to be labelled mentally ill.

I’m afraid this is how I will die. Purging. Starving. Sad.

Right now, I really just need a hug and for someone to understand what I am going through because everything just feels so hopeless.

I just don’t understand how everyone else can eat and not have it be this big ordeal. I honestly just don’t anymore.

Leaving to go to the gym. I really don’t want to go today but I ate cauliflower today instead of doing a another day of fasting and now I have to burn off all the calories I consumed. I know this is crazy, it barely has calories but I can FEEL it making me fatter.

To anyone thinking the side effects aren’t that bad: my nose bleeds at least once a day, I don’t even have to purge it just happens, my legs are numb every time I sit. I grasp the wall to keep from falling when I stand, I can feel how weak my heart is because it flutters too, I am cold always, I wake up with headaches every single day, my chest hurts when I run, I have to nap at work, I avoid family and friends and all of this happens even though I am a normal weight. Don’t be me. This sucks.

I don’t see how bad my eating is until I come on here and read all the confessions and think “I do that too.”

I’m a prisoner in my own body.

I constantly want to ask others what size they are because I have no idea what I really look like and I keep hoping maybe one day I’ll see someone who is the same size and realize I’m not as fat as I think I am.

It’s gotten to the point where I purge my only safe food.

So yeah, my confessions (some of them). 6 months of my life in review and you know what I just realized? None of them make me want to go back to that day and relive it. Those days were wasted on this monster. Wasted. I have always said I want to live my life with no regrets and here I am fully realizing I regret these days. I mean i knew at the time I regretted them too but now it’s so… black and white. Definitive. Real.