I am so excited for 2016, I cannot even contain myself! I don’t know if it is because I am finally done with undergrad and taking the next step in life or just the usual excitement a new year brings! What I can tell you though, is that I can almost feel the awesomeness that this year willl be, vibrating in my bones!

Following Quantico has become my new favorite thing to do! I am addicted to crime and investigation series, this explains my choice of studies for my Masters. Can’t wait for the first day of class!

Noticing that today is probably the fifth time or so this whole year that I have sat in the TV room watching teli! You mean this is what the chill life looks like?

Thinking that 2016 will be a GOOOOOOOOOOD Year! My nigga I feel it! 🙂

Feeling super EXCITED that I will be done with my undergrad on FRIDAY!!! Whoop whoop…..Its been a good three and half years,a degree and a minor later, and its about that time! #Graduatethings

I am Bookmarking all the books and articles I want to read next year!

Opening the KRA website…I finally retrieved my Pin. It’s been a whole year coming. I am actually quite embarrased that it took me that long but hey!

Giggling at all the jokes being cracked on this Baby Daddy show on 115…lol

What is your December looking like? I feel like its the perfect time to take STOCK for the whole year (Yeah I know, Captain obvious) and just reflect #Clichequeen! I have been taking a few minutes in the sauna everyday to do this and I might do a post,MIGHT!

Well anyway….I hope you get time to do the same.

Have a lovely week my readers, thank you for all the love you have shown me this year! It has been a great blogging 1 year journey! 66 posts, 1199 followers,7600 views and 3,283 visitors later! I cannot wait for many more to come!

P.S. I was going to do a blogversary post but it sucks that my blogs anniversary falls on the day just before my mothers passing anniversary and this year I couldn’t get myself to write.

ANNNNNNNYWAY, you guys have been AMAZING! THANK YOU A Million times over. I love you all!

I have probably spent close to three hours looking for pictures of you. Going through everything I had in my archives made me realize that behind the camera is where you liked to be! You wanted to be the one to capture the moments and keep them close! But then again the “selfie” wasn’t as big in your time….lol

I found pictures though, turns out other people liked you in front of the camera and giiiiiiiiiiiirl I know why! You stunning pretty little miss thang! 🙂

Today was hard mum, i never thought it would be, but there’s something about having you as my first thought when I wake up and you remaining just that, a thought! There’s no option to call or text, there’s no planning of dates because I miss you, nothing….just a Hello from the other side 🙁

I’m sorry my “hello” came with tears but when it comes to you my tears run through uncontrollably,especially when we are out here talking about how ” It’s been two years since…” An uncontrollable faucet…

I was absolutely unproductive today! I did nothing but stare at your pictures . Ocassionally I got distracted with the internet and its wonders but then my thoughts were quickly re-directed to you.

“Are you okay?” That had to be the hardest question I had to answer all day. How do I say yes when I mean no because im busy trying to avoid a pity party, and at the same time push back the tears at the brim of my eyelids just waiting for that trigger emotion?

It was hard, but easier than it was two years ago when I got the horrible news. Definitely easier than when I saw you wrapped up in that white linen. Much easier mum,than when I had to pay you tribute and the words were being blocked by hot tears and i really had to force myself to pull it together.Easier than when I had to let you go six feet under, alone. Much easier mum, but hard all the same.

I don’t know why you can’t be here today, I don’t know why you have to miss all my big moments, I don’t know why I don’t have the chance to tell current stories and have an ” In fact my mum said….” or “My mum was asking…”

Let me not be selfish though, I am glad PAIN is not a word in your vocabulary! That Joy, laughter and sunshine are the order of your days. I am glad that you are well. I believe that you are well.

This was me just checking in, a hello from the other side on your anniversary!

Disclaimer : I wrote this post 3 months ago and I just stumbled upon it as I was going through my archives. Many times I pen type my thoughts and emotions etc but I rarely get to publish. For one reason or another the posts are not publish worthy and I save them in my archives and keep it moving. This one in particular did not make it because I felt that I would truly be judged and taken for a weirdo. I read it again though today and with the mood im in im thinking…..Who gives a hoot, it is my blog and my writing and my experiences, so if you think I’m crazy, that’s on you right? ( Lol, you should see me trying to master up the courage to hit publish, HERE GOES NOTHING! )

Hey, am I weird? Is it weird?Is it weird that I remember? That I always Remember? I heard if you remember it should essentially mean that you are dead, or not of this earth no more. Is this true?

Is it weird that I remember my dreams vividly? That I remember every single emotion I felt in the dream. If there was pain I remember the feeling and sometimes when I think about it, I feel like the pain is still there. My friend told me it is a weird thing that happens when people remember their dreams.

However, I recently picked out a pattern though. More often than not , the dreams I remember revolve around her. The dreams I remember always feature her as the guest star. The dreams though…

The dreams are usually weird, some of them scare me to the bone such that If I happen to wake from them in the middle of the night, I cannot seem to go back to sleep.

Now see I don’t know why I am having these dreams when I asked her politely to not show up in my dreams. Mainly because I don’t have the bone for it, but apparently I do. I am actually not scared when I meet her in the dream but the events around the dream are usually terrifying!

Many a times, her purpose in the dream is to tell me what to do. To go left or right, to believe them or not, to jump or not, this way or that way……I feel like you get the flow yes?

Usually the dreams are very specific and I remember all the characters but I feel the need to keep identities a secret. This is because these are just dreams right? Plus there is a high chance that my mind is messing with me ALSO I am not superstitious, Its just that YOOOOO….this shit is too weird.

In the most recent dream, I am casually walking and I notice a small, Like tiny, no no like Super minute wrigly worm, sort of creature, crawling past and I freak the **** out! If you know me, you know that anything that crawls or flies and is of insect nature scares me to death. So obviously ,I scream like a little Kid and ask X to kick it out. X however decides to grab the creature….

(I hope we get by now that X is a character in this dream off mine)

THEN

Out of nowhere, in less than a minute the ” creature” turns into a full grown snake and it starts to chase ME! Me! WHY ME?

I do all sorts of gymnastics going over and under tables and chairs, gliding through staircases….I even managed to fit through grilled windows and scaled the walls of the building to a different room which I then got into and continued with my get away. Sweating, Panting, Confused, almost giving up , ready for this thing to devour me….I couldn’t do it anymore.

And then, just on my way out the door of a room, I meet her there and I ask her If I could trust X with getting rid of the snake and she says yes. I am not convinced though and I tell her the snake is all Xs fault anyway and that A looks too suspect.

My mother gives me a thumbs up and tells me to trust X. At this point I am so greatful, I don’t know why but I am and I run up to her and give her the biggest hug. In this scene she is standing at our corridor where her picture was put out for all to see when she passed. She looks exhausted and almost like she has been standing at the same spot the whole time. I ask her to take a seat and she insists on standing. She says that she always has to keep a look out for us…..

AND THEN I WOKE UP!

With a start! I literally jolted upright in my bed like I had just been shocked back to life. You know how it happens in the ER? But like the ER in cartoons where the characters come back to life instantly? Exactly like that!

Now, I dont know about you but I felt that, that was too weird a dream to let pass. It was scary enough that I coud remember exact details but the fact that it was the third or fourth of that nature I have had caused shivers down my spine.

( Can I just put it out there that I have NOT given you a complete summary of the whole ordeal, so you can imagine the REAL DREAM, like with all the details)

On a similar encounter before I talked to my dad about it and he asked me not to think much into it, but I am starting to get a little worried. Why do I remember all these dreams so vividly ? And why are they so weird?

I hope I did not lose like 1000 folllowers and All my friends because yall think I am psycho. I really am not. I honestly just had a bad dream and I told you about it. Bad? I don’t know, I mean I got to see her, but not the best dream either.

Its just a weird dream right? Or is it?

Weird right? Just for the record though, it has been a while since I had those dreams and I am convinced that my mother had not fully gone to rest. That she felt the need to stand by and watch over us. However, now, we are close to clocking two years since and I think she finally has. I really hope she has.

AAAAANnnd Just like that, the year will soon be a wrap! I mean Christmas is literally next door,outchea waiting for you to light up that tree! I feel horrible for not writing as much as I wanted these past few months and instead giving you these ” taking stock” posts which y’all would quickly ignore if given the option of reading my “feels” posts but hey, Ive been one busy human being! Just like you have, which is why I know you totally understand me and thus suck it up and read these types of posts instead! For that I say THAAAANK YOU!

So let me bore you abit with an update about my life? Yas? YAAAAS! LOL

Making: Plans to attend a spin class OR gym at 6am on Monday with my colleagues from work! Finally I am doing something about this #FitLife I keep talking about! Abs I SEE YOU! 🙂

Cooking: Well I helped make Chapati dough, chopped carrots and checked on the rice a few times today, does that count?

Drinking: I just had a glass plastic cup of MILK! Yes, I use plastic cups, dad got tired of the number of glasses that would be broken in a week! Glasses are for guests in our house, lol.

Reading: A LOT about the Banking Industrty! CFA Challenge things.

Wanting: I want to hire someone to do this Content Calender that is due! #Whyme?

Playing: Words with friends on my phone whenever I have free time! I must say I’m a bit bored of the game now, on to the next one maybe?

Wishing: I had more hours in a day or more days in a week! So much to do! 🙁

Enjoying: ADELE’s Hello! Hey boo #Fromtheotherside

Deleting: Some of the verbs on this template because I do not know what to answer *hides face in hands cheekily*

Wondering: What I should do right now, I am extremely exhausted but in the mood for a drink or two, but netflix and chill on my own sounds like a plan too. (Is it weird that I say “drink”. do i sound old?)

Loving: The fact that I have a few leave days next week, I cannot wait to SLEEP through them!!

Marvelling: STILL marvelling at that #ZOLA story! That was so trippy FAM! And that girl can tell a story BRUUUUUH!

Needing: I NEED a body massage!

Smelling: FRUITY!

Musing: Over your thought process! Quite interesting I must say, the actions that come afterwards even more! #smh #ChillBruh

Missing: Winnie Nakitare!

Crying: Over mum a lot less these days. I think I am so occupied I don’t have time for sad thoughts to run rampant in my mind. I am not sure whether this is a good or bad thing though.

And as a side note, the other day someone said let the dead take care of the dead and somehow tied this up to the bible and quoted Jesus. I was quite offended actually, them talking about how we should stop wasting our time thinking about those who have left us. EXCUSE ME WHAT? But the Bible part confused me as well…. should I have been offended? Your thoughts?

Wearing: A black maxi skirt and an orange crop top to go absolutely NOWHERE, i was just feeling myself after I got out the shower! Lol 🙂

Realizing: That I might just have road rage! I literally have conversations with myself about how silly people can be on the road sometimes! I probably appear as a mad woman talking to herself, to passengers in other vehicles! Did I just say VEHICLE? lOL.

Knowing:That SAFARICOM totally cons the hell out of me! I don’t know why I am still on that network!smh

Thinking: I need to rethink my thoughts! Hahaha…. 🙂

Feeling: Pleasantly exhausted! I must say I have really had a splendid day! Friends, kids, kitchens and oh way too much oil!Lol…#FunTimes

Opening:Excel spreadsheets pretty often these days #sigh

Laughing: At my friend Vanessa who was absolutely convinced I was a D cup! D!!!! We have been friends for about 12 years or more and all this time she thought I was D! Really boo? I might just have to reconsider our friendship at this rate!

IT’S OCTOBER! Two more months to the end of the year! Two more months till i’m done with my undergrad! Two more months , just two more months!

Time has gone by so fast I can’t even begin to describe to you how much I feel like I have been left behind. I am literally running behind after time with all my belongings and I can’t seem to catch up. I swear guys , TIME waits for no man, or WOMAN! She is a woman on a mission and she is not waiting for nobody! Yes, I just feminized time, you mad bro?

I am not one bit ungrateful though for the year thus far….despite it feeling like January was yesterday ( I sometimes still tell people I came back just the other day, when It was actually been 10 months!). It really has been a great year already and there is so much more to come…..TWO more months guys, Get IN THURRR!

So lets take stock shall we?

I am Making a mental note not to complain all the time! We find ourselves complaining about anything and everything under the sun when really we could have had it much worse , you know? Thanks El Jefe for this, Im sorry!

I haven’t cooked anything of late, I need to get back into the kitchen.

I am drinking water from a 1 litre fridge jug as I type this….It is the least I can do for my fitness journey seeing as I cannot remember the last time I exercised. #Sigh

I am reading the same book unfortunately as well as an equity evaluation one for my CFA thing AND “The Bible in Fourty Days ”

I want to figure out which word to play on “Words with Friends” It is the latest app on my phone and I am determined to beat all my Challengers! However, I dont know in what world some of these words exist! Smh

Playing words with Friends….can you tell I am a bit addicted?

Wasting ,well, nothing I can think of right now.

Wishing I could have fried chicken, pork chops, fries a cheese burger and maybe some spicy wings! With water please…#HealthyLiving. lol

Enjoying my time at Brand2D…I have to say my body is taking a while to adjust to waking up before 11 and being seated for long hours and maybe I have bored El Jefe to death with my constant nagging about how I need a holiday, but I really do enjoy working here so far!

I like that I have been putting a bit effort with my fashion of late…I had become so lazy about this thing I call one of my passions but I am glad I am Back on it! I was running out of black tops and jeans!

I wonder what the next few months will look like….I had made such plans and then they were all thrown in my face and now I have to go with the wind for a bit! Wish me luck!

I absolutely love all my sports shoes, ngomaz, all things sporty! Best Thing ever! I rarely wear anything else these days, should I be worried? I am also loving how amazing the weather has been of late! I cannot get enough of this Vitamin D guys!

Marvelling at the thought process of the guys at the office on who a “Player “is!! Really guys? Thanks @DashingDan for supporting me though! lol

Needing an Intervention right now for them! #PowerToTheWomen smh.

Smelling of my hand Sanitizer by bath and body works, has a really strong scent.

Wearing a Pink Top and Black Pants….Can you tell its one of those days that I haven’t put any effort into it?

Following Empire, Scandal, HTGAWM and Greys again! Its Series Season guys!!!! #Excited 🙂

Noticing that I can actually take part in debates if i gathered up enough courage to speak in front of people!

I know how I want many things in my life to go…getting them to go in that direction now is what is the problem! But at least phase one is covered, no?

I am thinking about how I really should read more pages of that CFA book…procastination though, she is quite something. Smh

I am feeling really lazy at the moment and remember I have that CFA book to read? DAAAAMN!

Written on: 1st October 2015

I shall probably postpone the posting of this piece now that I have already bombarded you guys with an emotional one. Thanks for all the love on there btw,,, I really appreciate it! It’s going to be alright, I know it will be. Even for you…yes you…you who has lost all hope and is drowning, I am telling you. It is going to be just fine. He promises us plans to prosper us, to give us a hope and a future, so don’t despair, hold on , stay afloat! All my love to you.

I still can’t believe you’re gone. It’s going to be two years soon and to me it feels like yesterday. Your absence is still strongly felt and it all just seems so unreal.

I find myself wondering how people who have lost their parents for a longer period have survived.

In the past two months alone I have met a good number of people who seem to have the same story ” I lost my mum when I was…” “My dad passed away last year..” “I lost both my parents at… ” What is common with all of them, however, is that you would never tell that they carry such burdens!

When these things happen you always think you’re the only one hurting in this way even when you know for certain you aren’t the only one. I get inspired by these type of people everyday and I know that I will be just fine without you.

Doesn’t mean I don’t miss you though.

As a matter of fact,I miss you so much I have started seeing you around of late.

I see you in different people. Random People. People I know. Anyone and Everyone really.

Its not once that a woman has walked in my field of vision and I have thought “Mum” …sometimes I have had to hold myself back from actually saying it aloud.

They stand in a certain angle and you flash right infront of my eyes but just as fast , you’re gone! They laugh and you are right there but not for too long.

I see you in mothers who go shopping with their daughters hand in hand like bestfriends and think ” That could be us but the way Cancer is set up…..”

I see you in my sister! Her strong Character at such a young age, her commanding nature, and not in a bad way. The way she carries herself around.

I see you all the time mum and sometimes I wish I could freeze your Image just a bit longer! I wish I could rewind back time. I just wish, I wish…

I haven’t told you though how much grandma reminds me of you! My imagination has convinced me that if i was lucky enough to see you age you would look exactly like her! Identical! Her laughter reminds me of you and so does the curve of her front teeth, I have that too….your sisters say It makes me look a lot like you…actually they are already saying I look exactly like you!

It was concours the other day. Do you remember how excited you would get over it? Mainly because you would get to dress up? Ahhh good times….I wore all white like you did on your last ever concours event three years ago. I even wore your white hat. I know, I know, I copied your look. Guilty as charged! What can I say, you got had style girl!

Anyway, I just thought I should say Hi, especially after a lady walked past me two days ago and I could have sworn it was you. How is it without the pain and the endless joy and happiness there? Are you okay? I hope you are.

Making: Plans to get away soon. I find it therapeutic whenever I leave my niche for a few days or months and just go out somewhere and experience life in a different way.It always comes in handy when I feel like I need to take a few steps back and see how far I have come and then re strategize.

Also making new friends…..Hah, conflict is a funny thing. You find out people who were rooting for you under wraps and you build a sweet sweet friendship!

Listening: To a lot more music at the office. Thanks Thegi, Eric, Oliver, Steph and Chief 🙂

Drinking: If you don’t already know my staple drink, I don’t know how else to drill into you guys! :p

Reading: STILL on John Grisham! I don’t know if that gives you a picture of how busy I am? I have canceled on so many people that some think I am avoiding them. I really am not though. Life is just moving so fast.

Wanting: A holiday!

Missing: My baby brother! Can’t wait to see the child. They grow up so fast jamani!

Wasting: No time loving myself! It is the best relationship ever. That with self. Ask me and I shall tell you 🙂

Wishing: I really wish I could go on that holiday soon enough!

Realising: That I might just not get what I want 🙁

Enjoying: MY NEW PHONE! Finally! I got my hands on a brand new baby! My struggles just got cut down by half!! Thank God.

Liking: Where I am at and thanking God everyday for it.

Wondering: Whether I will ever find a more exciting office to work at compared to my current!Everyday is a new adventure at this place and it makes me want to come to work every morning! I absolutely love this space! Best working environment yet!

Loving: The feeling of butterflies in my tummy. Emotion is a crazy thing!

Marvelling: at the nerve that certain individuals have.

Needing: To arrange my room as soon as possible. My mum would have been on my back by now if she found it in its state. If I was lucky though, she would end up arranging it on my behalf ! Oh bless her soul. I love you mummy!

Wearing: Monochrome outfits this week. Lady In white, Woman in blue…Black on back. You name it 🙂

Noticing: That people who knew my mother stare at me for so long when I am not paying attention. Turns out I look like her more and more every day, something like a spitting image of her!

Knowing: That I need to get over my fear of speaking on front of large groups of people. It has reached a point that it has now become a necessity! I need to get out of my comfort zone!

Thinking: I need to mentally prepare myself for the next three months. It will be a challenge like no other. I am usually scared to the bone about new challenges but at the same time very excited because I always come out of them better than I went in.

Feeling: Fuzzy Inside after Tuesday!!

I want to write more to you and I hope this month I can do just that. I am doing everything I can to keep my creative juices flowing but the fact that I mostly write about my lifes events makes it a bit harder. I also noticed that many of you like it more when I write about personal experiences where you can almost feel the emotion as if you were me.

So,,,, how about you comment below and tell me what experiences I should talk about from a personal perspective? It can be anything and EVERYTHING. Relationships, Losses…Life experiences , ANYTHING, and I promise to write from the deepest part of my being! From that very part that makes you guys cry and read more everytime I talk about my mother. Deal?

I love you all, thank you for staying loyal to my blog and have a splendid month!! Love and Love, B!! xx

This is me

Her

Full of love and life.Happiness and positivity is my Mantra. God before all else. Making the best out of this journey,life, and hoping that when I am gone that they can say she lived and she lived it well.