Worst Halloween Costumes

The Worst Halloween Costume Ideas: 2012 Edition

What is to be gained – personally, professionally, sexually – by dressing up as a five-year-old from rural Georgia with behavioral problems?

It’s Halloween! No it isn’t. But it’s close, and you’re going to need some prep time if you want some hit-of-the-party/Catwoman/woke-up-on-November-1st-wearing-only-a-cape action to come your way next week.

As with a lot of men’s apparel-related issues, the key here lies mainly in avoiding certain temptations, certain pitfalls. If you’re considering any of these sort of… groupings of Halloween costumes, then maybe just stop and ask yourself if it wouldn’t be better for everyone if you were just Aquaman again.

It’s always tempting to be topical, but this year we’d avoid the following worst Halloween costume trends...

TLC-Related

You know what we’re talking about here, and it isn’t “Journeyman Crab Fisherman,” or “midget” (but still don’t be either of those things). This year, a lot of people are going to think it’s pretty awesome to get on the whole Honey Boo Boo bandwagon (think: Honey Boo Boo… Zombie Honey Boo Boo… Halfway-Through-Sex Change Honey Boo Boo… Honey Boo Boo Bath Salts etc.) and we’re going to use this space to request that you ignore this. Halloween aside, just ask yourself: What is to be gained – personally, professionally, sexually – by dressing up as a five-year-old from rural Georgia with behavioral problems?

(Exceptions will be made for theologically interesting riffs on the “Flying ‘Sketti Monster” theme.)

Political

We know it’s an election year, and everyone is talking politics – but this is always a misstep. Of all the worst Halloween costumes you could choose, most of them occupy this category. If you go this route, you’re always going to be That Guy. Whatever route you go, whether it’s unspeakably boring (“U.S. Representative Daniel E. Lundgren”), awkwardly punny (“Arlen Specter”) or more-of-a-cry-for-help-than-anything (“Slutty Mitt Romney”), your night is going to make you wish you stayed home watching C-SPAN.

Likely-To-Be-Misinterpreted

So when we were eight our mom made us a ghost costume. It was pretty standard stuff, but since she didn’t want us to get all tangled up and misalign the eye-holes, she made two separate parts: one for the body, and a kind of “hood” part for our head. Given this, and given that the latter section was fashioned from a pillowcase with a pronounced seam, we essentially went out dressed as a racist that year.

Just saying.

Angry

In 2005, we went to a big loft party in Brooklyn for Halloween, and the host was dressed as the “Statue of LIEberty.” He was all green, with the torch and everything, but instead of a crown on his head, he wore a black, conical, “Abu Ghraib”-style hood. It was a great party, so thanks to him, but we couldn’t help but notice that everyone who encountered him had to sort of drop out of party mode for a second and be like “oh, yeah. That’s a really serious problem. I’m mad about that too.” Then they edged away really fast and had fun again.

This is just not the right holiday for Culture War-style tensions. Maybe do this at your big Flag Day bash? Or never? Tough call.

From where we stand, these are the trouble spots for 2012 – these are the things to avoid. As for some more positive suggestions? Well, we’re thinking “Visually Literal Interpretations Of ‘90s Alt-Rock Band Names” (Archers of Loaf, Toad The Wet Sprocket), “Cereal Monsters From Our Childhood,” or just wearing the front part of one of those two-person horse costumes and going as “A Bad Breakup.”