So please don’t say this, because wasting time in jail and wasting money on court costs get in the way of every single one of our top priorities.

2. "You need to spend more time on yourself."

You think? We agree. That’s why we devote at least fifteen minutes per day to “me time.” We’re so good at portioning our “me time” that we know that a 4-minute shower will get us clean enough, but if we settle for just getting wet (43 seconds) we can also luxuriate in a 3-minute nervous breakdown when the cat pees on one of the kids’ backpacks at 7:40 AM on Monday morning.

Of course, we will have to schedule that nervous breakdown for later, since it will take us 72 seconds to shove Amy’s notebooks, lunch and mittens into a freezer bag. So if you make this statement (and we advise against it), your next sentence should be an offer to babysit, run our errands, or become our financial patron