Wii U Review: Nintendo Land

The Super Wii, the succeeding console after the extremely well received Wii, tripled the Wii success phenomenon and set a pattern that would see Nintendo as the only company left in the gauntlet of video game console highlander. By Generation 12, Sony and others knew they were doomed. Together, they devised a way to reverse the process. Using the technology of 2040, they were able to create a terminator to go back in time to destroy the past to save their future. This terminator would be known only as… Monita.

Above: The terminator programmed to destroy Nintendo

Monita, the terminator, was successful in its mission. In 2012, instead of the super badass Super Wii, we got the Wii U. And then we got the flagship game of the system, Nintendo Land.

Nintendo Land is the worst game I have ever played. Nintendo Land is the amplification of every fault of the Wii software mentality. Back during the 16 bit generation, Square made a game called ‘Mystic Quest’ because they thought Westerners were too dumb to understand their ‘sophisticated’ RPGs. Mystic Quest was insulting. But if you asked me to define Nintendo Land, I would declare it to be a festival of Mystic Quests, a collection of them.

Mystic Quest for Zelda:

Mystic Quest for Pikmin:

Mystic Quest for F-Zero:

Mystic Quest for 3d Mario:

Mystic Quest for Metroid:

While I haven’t tried all the games out in multiplayer, there is only one game I did play that was fun.

Above: The only fun game in Nintendo Land could have been done on a Gameboy

The Pachinko game.

I understand what Nintendo was trying to do. I see they were trying to go the ‘arcade route’ for these games. But these games are terrible, and playing them isn’t fun at all. Arcade games also showcased dazzling sound and graphics, these games don’t. Who are these games for? For someone who they are scared of the ‘intensity’ of gaming? Nonsense!

Not only did the games all suck, Nintendo Land kept being insulting. Monito wouldn’t shut up. Stupid ass ‘gift boxes’ would appear which did stupid things. Is this game designed for five year olds? Donkey Kong Math was more entertaining than this piece of shit.

“But Malstrom! But Malstrom!” cries the sobbing reader. “I really like Nintendo Land. You should not be so harsh.”

It is the worst pack in game I have ever played. The reason why the Wii U was a complete market disaster has more to do with the software than the hardware. Gamers forgive bad hardware. NES had such a design flaw with its bent pins. Gamers forgave that. Gameboy games all looked like green shit. Gamers forgave that. Turbografx 16 native display was shit and flimsy as hell. Gamers forgave that. Xbox 360s overheated to red ring of death. Gamers forgave that.

But what will gamers not forgive? Bad games. And Wii U has that in spades. Nintendo Land is proof of that.