Wednesday, February 08, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Lady Gaga’s album sales have risen 1,000% since her Super
Bowl Halftime show. People were surprised. There were people who were still
watching after that 21-3 first half?

A report says professionals are now using marijuana more
ever since it has been legalized. That and because their kids keep getting into
the medicine cabinet and stealing all their opioids.

Researchers say a person’s time perception is altered when
they are online. Especially when they subscribe to AOL and everything takes
three times as long to watch while it is constantly buffering.

Researchers say a person’s time perception is altered when
they are online. That isn’t a huge technological advancement. All it took in
the 1960s to do that was a tab of acid and a record player with a Jimi Hendrix
album.

China is proposing further tightening of its Internet
oversight. Mostly to stop their people from going online to tell the rest of
the world about the smog, food and water issues over which there is no
government oversight.

China is proposing further tightening of its Internet
oversight. Which means if the people aren’t careful, they could lower their
access from five to just four government-approved web pages.

A realtor says only 3,000 people in the world can afford
America’s most expensive home selling for $250 Million in L.A. Which is better
than the half dozen who can afford to just get into a 1500 square foot, two
bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

Britain’s oldest DJ is still spinning records at English
clubs at 80. Mostly for the other 80 year olds who still remember what a record
is.

Britain’s oldest DJ is still spinning records at English
clubs at 80 even though he now needs a hearing aid. The worst part is having to
hear his mother still remind him every day that she told him listening to rock
and roll would make him go deaf.

Britain’s oldest DJ is still spinning records at English
clubs at 80. The hardest part is having to lug around and use the hand crank to
rev up his Gramophone.

A new watch tells boring people when they should stop
talking. Which when put on Charlie Rose’s wrist is usually right around the
time his interviews start.

A new watch tells boring people when they should stop
talking. Apparently it uses sensors to indicate when everyone’s yawning has
sucked all the air out of the room.

Twitter has broadened its campaign against hate and abuse. Which
mostly comes from people frustrated about having to put all their vitriol into
just 140 characters.

San Francisco has reached a deal to offer residents free
tuition at its city college. The only problem is now finding students who can
afford to pay the rent, food and transportation costs it takes to live anywhere
near San Francisco.

A California couple says they are splitting up because of
the November election. Apparently things got heated when the wife found out her
husband was the one Californian who voted for Donald Trump.

An Oregon school has banned the Confederate flag following a
fight over it between students. Maybe the school should concentrate more on
teaching history and geography to show that Oregon is 1,500 miles from the
nearest Confederate state.

The President of Romania says the country is in a
full-fledged political crisis. To which Americans are saying “Tell us about
it.”

The President of Romania says the country is in a
full-fledged political crisis. To which most people are asking how is that
different from any other day there since 1914?

French presidential candidate Francois Fillon reportedly not
only gave his wife fake jobs but also gave her severance pay. Most men were
surprised. When they hear of someone giving their wife severance pay, they
usually call that alimony.

Qatar Airlines has started the world’s longest non-stop
flight, a 9,030 mile trek from Qatar to New Zealand. The flight takes seventeen
and a half hours, which is still less time than it takes to fly from New York
to Boston on United Airlines.

“Mother Jones” was named the Magazine of the Year at the
2017 Ellies. Apparently it was close, but it managed barely edge out the other
three magazines still in publication.

“Mother Jones” was named the Magazine of the Year at the
2017 Ellies. The sad part is that many people think “Mother Jones” is the
publication format of just another mommy blog.

A report says immigration lawyers are swamped because of
President Trump’s travel ban. Which means the strategy is not to keep
immigrants out of the country with the order, but because of not being able to
afford their attorney’s fees.

A lawsuit says Internet providers often misrepresent the
speed of their broadband service. Although there has never been a problem for
those companies in making sure their bill arrives every month right on
schedule.

The FTC says Vizio used 11 Million TVs to spy on its
customers. Which was a waste of time because all they saw were people who had
the TV on while they were sitting on the couch watching Netflix movies on their
iPhone.

A poll says one third of Americans don’t know that the ACA
and Obamacare are the same thing. What’s worse it that the other two thirds
think the Constitution is just Donald Trump’s personal doormat.

VW is forming a U.S. unit to promote zero emission vehicles.
Which when VW says “zero emission,” they are just leaving off the last word of
“zero emission controls.”

A report says the growth of consumer borrowing slowed after
December. Mostly because most people didn’t need to borrow to do their
Christmas shopping by instead just shoplifting or going online with a stolen
credit card.

Starbucks is offering employees free legal advice in the
wake of the travel ban. The policy goes along with the company also providing
legal counsel for when customers see how much they paid for a large mocha latte
and accuse them of robbery.

A report says some Facebook shareholders want to oust Mark
Zuckerberg as the company’s chairman. The only question is why is he called the
company’s chair when most people do all their Facebook posting while they are
on the couch?

A report says some Facebook shareholders want to oust Mark
Zuckerberg as the company’s chairman. Couldn’t they just do the same thing by
having everyone unfriend him at the same time?

GM has sold 10 Million cars in a year for the first time
ever, helped by growing sales in China. Also by all the people everywhere else
who end up buying a second GM car to drive while their first one is in the shop
for the latest recall.

The Playboy Club is reopening in New York City. Apparently
it is for all the 80 year old men who still remember what life was like before
Hooters.

The Playboy Club is reopening in New York City. The hardest
part is finding bartenders who can make drinks where the mixer is always a can
of Ensure.

The Playboy Club is reopening in New York City. The 80 year
old regulars will show up to see if their waitress will be daring and tease
them by showing a little ankle.

A group of scientists says Donald Trump’s policies are
scaring away geniuses who want to come to America. Although that is part of the
plan. Trump knows the fewer geniuses we have living here, the better the
chances of him being reelected.

The CDC says the noise of modern life can cause permanent
hearing damage in U.S. adults. Mostly from their own screaming every time they
get their kids’ monthly college tuition bill.

The CDC says the noise of modern life can cause permanent
hearing damage in U.S. adults. Which for most people comes from everyone they
know who are still wailing and gnashing their teeth after the November
election.

An Ohio man with a heart pacemaker had his device’s data
used against him in an arson case. Prosecutors used the data, saying the
increase in his heart rate didn’t coincide with his story. Or he might have
just taken a Viagra at the wrong time.

Evanger’s is recalling its Hunk of Beef dog food that contains
a euthanasia drug. To which prison officials in Georgia are saying they had
that same idea for death row inmates being served their last meal.

Researchers have written a song they say makes babies happy.
The only problem is that the same song will drive their parents crazy when they
have to keep playing it for five straight hours at a time.

Researchers have written a song they say makes babies happy.
In other words, they may have actually come up with something more annoying
than “It’s a Small World.”

A 79 year old New Jersey doctor is on trial over a $200
Million health fraud scheme. Apparently he needed the money as there just
aren’t as many broken legs and gunshot wounds to treat now that the mob is
branching out to other states.

A 79 year old New Jersey doctor is on trial over a $200
Million health fraud scheme. He is blaming younger prosecutors who just don’t
understand that is how New Jersey medicine is done old school.

A study says fat shaming can lead to heart disease and
diabetes. Or those people may be developing heart disease and diabetes because
they are fat.

A report says the UK has the shortest average time for
doctor consultation at ten minutes. Mostly because they save so much time when
they tell their patients to say “ahhh” to look in their mouth and there aren’t
any teeth blocking the view.

A report says the UK has the shortest average time for
doctor consultation at ten minutes. In the U.S. patients also get ten minutes
with their doctor. The additional time is the three hours they spend in the
waiting room before their appointment.

A report says John Hopkins will start sharing surgical
methods with other hospitals. The question is, shouldn’t those other hospitals
already have people with a pretty good idea of how to do that in the first
place?

CNN will air a show called “The History of Comedy.”
Apparently it will consist of interspliced video of Donald Trump’s campaign
speeches and Sean Spicer’s press briefings.

Merriam-Webster is adding binge-watch to its dictionary. The
definition of binge-watching is the thing that people do that keeps them from
ever actually opening a dictionary.

Judy Garland’s former husband Sid Luft says she was groped
by the Munchkins during the filming of “The Wizard of Oz.” Apparently there was
an entirely different meaning when they said they were going to “follow the
yellow brick road.”

Patriots running back James White says he lost the football
he carried into the end zone for the Super Bowl winning touchdown. Although
there is already speculation that the big smile worn by Roger Goodell after the
game was because he knew it was locked in his office desk drawer right next to
Tom Brady’s jersey.

A survey says that iPhone users don’t want to date people
who have android phones. Apparently some of them got mixed up and confused
“android” with “androgynous.”

A survey says that iPhone users don’t want to date people
who have android phones. It’s just sad when people can’t come together and realize
it’s time to put our differences aside and know that true love is waiting with
a right swipe on any kind of smartphone.

Researchers say a person’s “anonymous” browsing can be used
to reveal their identity three quarters of the time. Mostly because all the
women can be immediately eliminated any time the browsing is made up of nothing
but porn sites.

An e-mail privacy bill has been passed by the House. To
which Hillary Clinton is saying “Are you kidding me? They are doing this NOW?”

Donald Trump says he sleeps between 4-5 hours a night. Which
based on his past claims means he actually sleeps somewhere between zero and 24
hours each night.

Donald Trump says he sleeps between 4-5 hours a night.
Mostly because it takes at least 19 to 20 hours every day to tweet about how
much he hates Democrats, “Saturday Night Live” and CNN.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from
the world of entertainment. “Professor” Irwin Corey, the king of comedic
confusion has died at age 102. At least he was the king of comedic confusion
until Donald Trump announced his candidacy for President. Apparently he knew it
was time to let go. I still remember watching him on the afternoon show of the
great Steve Allen. They would get into some sort of argument and Allen would
chase Corey around the studio. That was great TV! He will be missed. Keep him
in your thoughts today, right around the time you remember as usual to make
sure to always send the love!