Saturday, November 3, 2007

"Dorrell Sausage usually loves getting attention, but this time could be different. See, Dorrell’s a fairly good guy (depending on whom you ask, ‘course). He’s pleasant enough looking, in an old International Male catalog kinda way, that’s fer sure, and, supposedly, Dorrell’s well endowed. But isn’t that comparing biz usually best left to the eye of the benefactor? Regardless, what is Sausage’s claim to fame? We’re not exactly sure. But let’s see. D.S. is from semifamous lineage, does some boob-tube work now and again and he dabbles in music and design. What fun! But natch, he also loves to date the famous femmes, which is probably why we started talking about him in the first place. Except that our boy Dorrell has gone and gotten himself in a pickle, as it were—due to his very own pickle, as it further were. Seems Mr. Pee bedded some random, nonfamous babe and didn’t use protection. And he didn’t get (or give) any nasty hickies, but he did go and get the girl knocked up. And guess what? She wants to keep it! D.S. is terrorized in his tidy whities at the paternal prospect. 'Cause if she does, it’ll be the one time Dorrell'll be wishing he didn’t have headlines harkin’ all about him."And it ain't... Shia LaBeouf, Tony Romo, John Mayer

My first thought - Dorrell Sausage has been used before in a previous BV! Who was he? Then as I read on I realize it has got to be Brody Jenner. Famous family, not really famous for anything but dating famous chicks. He's dated Nicole Ritchie, Lindsay Lohan, and Lauren Conrad to name a few.

Also, more proof - in Ted's column on 10/31, he said -

"Scary merde’s goin’ down in T-town right now! For ince, Ryan Gosling ain’t the only nooky-lovin’ lad who’s keepin’ his sex antics on the down-low these days, as Brody Jenner’s said to be quaking in his little booties lately. Wonder why? Because dad Bruce and sassin’ stepsis Kim Kardashian are kickin’ his headline-lovin’ hot bum right now for somethin’ fierce? Good question."

For Ted to mention this the day before the BV is a big hint. Ted usually mentions the subject of his BV in his column either that same day, or sometime that week. and this ins't just a mention - it's a big ol' hint! Now we pretty much have just confirmed it. So now Brody Jenner has possibly gotten some random chick pregnant. Great! Another offspring of Bruce Jenner, decathlete and plastic surgery survivor. Woop dee doo! I have to say I am not too excited about this one. Who cares about Brody Jenner anyway? Is anyone else tired of reading about the cast of The Hills?

Anyway, here is the original Dorrell Sausage Blind Vice I was talking about before - this is from 10/1/06 - One Headling Grabbing Blind Vice -

"There's no denying that Dorrell Sausage is hot 'n' hunky. His semi-famous name and chiseled mug have been increasingly featured in the rags lately, thanks to a string of high-profile romances. And this ain't by accident, damn straight. D.S. went from dating a cute, fairly well known chica to supposedly seeing Pixie Mixie, tabloid darling. See, the D-man wants to be (more) famous himself, imagine that in this me-me-me enclave! And after a halfhearted stab at the spotlight on his own not so long ago (prior to Pixie time), it seems Mr. Sausage--a somewhat cognizant realist with thin lips, thicker things elsewhere--realized it's way easier to get press when you're attached to an It creature. Indeed, Dorrell's latest cutie-coupling has gotten tab headlines, fer sure. "It's getting serious!" all the rags proclaim, alongside pics of the two honeys holding hands and swappin' spit. Howevah, just reminds me of one of those Teri Hatcher spreads--all pose, no meat to go with the paparazzi potatoes. See, Dorrell has been sober for a while, even though he "used to drink entire bottles of tequila," said one of D.S.'s ol' imbibing buds. Nevertheless, Mr. Sausage has since cleaned up his act and is now busy denouncing drugs and hard partying. More unhungover intrigue: Pixie is D.S.'s sober sponsor, which explains why they're spending so much time together. "They're really just friends," according to my chemical-free source. But this tricky twosome so knows that playing coy with the press and letting themselves be linked equals double the headlines and even more media attention. Seems good old-fashioned fame is the real drug of choice for both of them these days!"

This was obviously Brody Jenner back in 2006. Pixie Mixie we are pretty sure was Nicole Ritchie, based on multiple BV's written about her a while back. She was just outta rehab and he was sponsoring her or something. They claimed to be friends and then broke up. I will have to post the Pixie Mixie BV's and my rationale for those one day. I know she was kissing other chicks and was said to be bisexual. A few other ones, drug related I think. But for now - I'm all sausaged out. It's been fun! Join me next time...photo courtesy of wireimage.com

"Dear Ted:I recently transplanted to a small country in Africa where I'm working in a hospital, and it's been emotionally draining...but your column is one of the bright spots of my day (when the unreliable Internet is working). Since moving here, I've discovered that homosexuality is illegal in the country where I'm living and punishable by imprisonment, which is shocking to me. There is still much work that needs to be done to expand gay rights across the globe. And I'm sure I'm already preaching to the choir when I say that abstinence-only sex ed is ludicrous, particularly in this setting where entire generations of people are dying from AIDS. Now for my questions: Was Gwyneth Paltrow, aka Fishstick, ever a Blind Vice? And which old Blind Vice has really changed his or her tune and is now totally different than who he or she was when the B.V. was written? Except Pixie Mixie, of course.—Vs

Dear Saint Snoop:First, congrats on your good work, and couldn't agree more with ya regarding gay rights and educating against sexually transmitted diseases; the topics really need to get out there more and into our public awareness. Answers: Yes, ages ago, and there is no one else besides Pixie Mixie."

Since this is our only Pixie Mixie post (we really have to add her old ones!)Here is a letter from TEd recently... and combined with the one above, this hints that Nicole Richie is indeed Pixie Mixie - that Nicole Richie has made a transformation. The thing about she and Angie Jolie having a lot in common... probbaly heroin?

"Dear Socialite Seeker:As much as Nicole's former lifestyle is quite alluring at times, N.R. has had one of the biggest transformations ever. Now she's all about the family-schtick routine. Jeez, she and Angie Jolie would get along fantastically. For a lotta reasons, actually."

Disclaimer

The "exposed" celebrities mentioned in this blog are purely guesses. They are the thoughts and opinions of the authors of this blog in response to reading various gossip columns. Do not take our guesses, or photos posted of our guesses, as fact or as a source of accurate information. We are doing this for entertainment purposes only.

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