08 June 2013

two and a half and so much more

Sweetest Della,

you are so much more than two and a half.

you are fairy wings and chocolate popsicles
you are fierce and tender
you are talkative and quiet
you are independent and tucked in close
you are so incredibly smart
and so incredibly stubborn
you are mercurial and delightful and silly and embody fury and frustration
you laugh hard, and cry hard
you hold my face when I push my lip out
you ask me to tickle you
say stop stop stop stop stop
and say
again

your sweetness and beauty are breathtaking
your stubborn ability to ignore me and not do anything I am asking is maddening

I am learning about my own strengths and weaknesses
how much I love to snuggle
how much I hate to raise my voice
how much I want cooperation and peace
how much I do not ever want you to be hurt

I am learning that anger does not sit well on my face or in my belly
and that you are smarter than anyone I know
can play out a story all day long
are sly and cunning
and truly the light of my life.

after a full day refusing 100 offers (each time with great drama) to let me remove an ouchie "boo boo bandaid", you took it off in one quick pull when I offered a mini cupcake for the privilege.

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About this blog

I started this blog during struggles with infertility--struggles that resulted in countless IUIs, medications, procedures, 5 attempted IVF cycles, 2 pregnancies, one heartbreaking loss, and one miracle baby.

Parenthood left me feeling like I was not sure what to do here, with this amazing community. To talk about parenting felt boastful for those still and forever struggling. To not talk about it felt disingenuous. So here I am. I want to talk about my real life. Parenting. Midlife reassessment. Flailing. Finding myself. Mucking about.

So yes, I am a midlife parent of an amazing child.Yes, I battled infertility and will be forever changed by every single moment of that journey.I am imperfect and life is messy, but it is also so beautiful.

Among many other things, I hope to reconnect to myself through writing here. And I hope to connect with you too. Others out there, parenting maybe later in life. Maybe after struggling. Maybe struggling still. We can all use a safe place and a lot of compassion. That's what I am offering to you. I hope you'll stick around.

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inside out

"The key is, starting from the inside out. Often you say, “I don’t know what to do.” True, you don’t know what to do. There are infinite possibilities. And a bunch of them haven’t worked for you. A lot of them have been tried, and they haven’t worked under what you think are the same conditions. And so, you sort of pace around, you don’t know what to do. Sometimes you don’t even know what you want to have. But you always, you always, if you will stop and think about it, you ALWAYS know how you want to feel."