The Shtetl Olympics

With the Sochi Olympics now over, let’s go back 100 years and imagine what a Russian “Olympics” in these shtetls would have really looked like.

The Sochi Winter Olympics are over. To be honest I’m ashamed to admit I thought Sochi was in Japan. Not only did I miss geography in school, I never once heard a person say, “So, Reuben, the kids and I are camping out in Sochi during Purim.”

FREE-STYLE COMPETITIVE SPEED CURSING

As I’m at times aware, I eventually learned that Sochi is an upscale resort near the Black Sea that Putin wanted to push as the Russian Riviera before he started pushing himself on his Ukrainian neighbors. He allegedly added $51 billion for prepping and gilding the place. At these prices, he could’ve built subways in Moscow that don’t smell like herring heads. Or built his own little Crimea so he didn’t have to invade the existing one.

I also learned something else.

Stalin “relaxed” from killing and plummeting at Sochi. Even a terrorist needs to refresh his sinisterly with a view of the Caucasus Mountains. In fact, Tablet didn’t cover the Sochi Winter Olympics. The mag has no interest in the “glories” of the Kremlin where people are systematically oppressed and We Jews have been historically targeted for brutality.

Let’s go back 100 years or so. When these “caviar communities” were mostly market villages to poor Jews crowded in wooden houses surrounded by enemies. Survival of Yiddishkeit was essential, as was speed. Jews could get klopped or wind up running in a second.

What would a Russian “Olympics” in these shtetls be like – then. We Jews have been known to be creative and competitive. Now, as Purim approaches, let’s look at what might have been the First Olympics Russian Shtetl Olympic.

THE RUSSIAN SHTETL OLYMPICS

* CHICKEN DE-BONING: This challenge involved three tasks. 1- de-boning a chicken plus skinning; 2- finding the most ways and people to serve; 3- making the clucker last longer. (Ice and shmaltz could be involved.) The record was set by the lovely Sadie Pinchiknik. Her liver lasted a month. On the podium, she got the liver, now sculpted in mud by a shtetl artisan while a Kletzmer band solemnly played “Klip Klap … Kwack.”

FREE-STYLE COMPETITIVE SPEED CURSING OR KNOWN LOCALLY AS “MAY YOU.” Twelve adversaries fought in pairs to see which could give back better than they got when it came to Jewish curses. In every round, one would be eliminated, and two new winners would compete. For example. Not one bad word can be used. There would be three rounds in each contest.

For example:

Herschel: “May a dismal fate befall you for calling my Flora a mieskeit.”
Yitzak: “May you raise goats, and may your first born resemble your herd, so she’s forced to live with you till she’s got gout.”
Hershel: “May Cossacks eat the meat from your goats and sentence you to Siberia on a diet of your goat meat, and dark bread, and swamp water.”
Yitzak: “And may the Cossacks fatten you up to conscript you to their Army, so you can fight against our people!” (OY!!!!)
Herschel: “And may your name be ever stricken from the book of records by our good Rabbi!”

Judges will be looking for a number of things: the ability to prophesize, to blot out a person, to turn a mitzvah into an evil eye (umglick), the level of vehemence, the number of times a contestant can use “stabbed,” “exploded,” and “choked” artistically, and finally the creative use of nose to nose and finger-pointing. The winner was allowed to get a little shikkered once a week – in a Jewish tavern.

*BOXING: If you’re thinking fighting, forget it. No. By “Boxing” the shtetlers will be judged on how many personal Holy Books they can put in boxes within two hours … and have your wife and daughters move it on their heads two miles without a concussion. Face it, we’re always waiting for the Messiah … somewhere, and have to move on a moment’s notice. Our proudest possessions in addition to our families are our books of learning. The family that could shlep the most important books would get a seat by the Eastern Wall in shul, even if papa was a cobbler.

SYNCHRONIZED RUNNING: Running was a way of life for shtetl-dwellers. Should the Czar or the locals have an ax to grind, it was pointed at We Jews. This meant we better get outta there, fast.

So contests must have been held for “Family Running” to make sure, should a blonde beast approach with an edict, they had a chance of getting to another shtetl – in Poland. The winners had the opportunity … to get to a grimier shtetl in Poland.

TREIF HURDLING: As part of a racing event, five hurdles were are evenly spaced along a straight course of 110 meters. Hit one and plop. You’re out – or behind. Contestants were expected to jump over the treif that varied in size and triefablitity. If a runner flopped, he lost time. Typical treif hurdles included jumping over rabbits and pigs. But there were tricky tests, such as potatoes with a virus or a turkey with sciatica. The judges looked at the learnedness of the jumpers – and their ability to actually jump. The winner would receive the Golden Kashrut Award … given to the tune of “Bay Dem Shtetl.”

Now let’s be serious for a moment.

Shtetls’ religious customs varied across Eastern Europe, as evidenced by what has come to be known as the "gefilte fish line" – an imaginary line that extends across Eastern Europe, dividing those Jews to the west who season their gefilte fish with sugar from those to the east who season the fish with pepper.

In Jewish memory, shtetls pulsed with yiddishkeyt. Rabbis , Yiddish, and klezmer characterized these small market towns, but they were also defined by much more than these stereotypical images. Yet to those of us still intrigued, there was and always will be a Fiddle on our Roofs; protecting, defining, and defending our promise, and our faith.

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About the Author

Quirky, no-nonsense, funny, Marnie – writer, editor, author, lecturer, clinician, and administrator -- is a straight-shooter, who has a distinctive voice and takes on the world in her columns, features, and books. Her advice column was syndicated through Tribune Media Services, and it currently appears in Singular magazine as Singular Solutions. Marnie has written over 20 books/calendars, including the series “A Little Joy, A Little Oy." Her books include Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother and A Little Joy, A Little Oy (pub. AndrewsMcMeel). She is also an award-winning “calendar queen” having written over 20. She has been nominated for both an Emmy and Writers Guild award.Thefullwiki.org has listed Marnie Macauley on their list of top Jewish_American writers, dead or living. (She’s still deciding which.) She was also chosen as a Distinguished Woman in Las Vegas in March of 2014.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 3

(2)
Anonymous,
March 12, 2014 4:38 AM

How about an editing Olympics?

Editor! Editor! "Stalin “relaxed” from killing and plummeting at Sochi. Even a terrorist needs to refresh his sinisterly with a view of the Caucasus Mountains" Plundering maybe, or something else? And sinisterly what? Then there's "Fiddle on our Roofs; protecting, defining, and defending." Either it's a previously unknown weaponized IDF musical instrument or the writer meant Fiddler.

marnie, the writer,
March 12, 2014 11:43 PM

my apologies

You are Hysterical. OK. My excuse. I just moved into a house that turns out not to have any lights, so I'm writing in the dark. (It's hard enough to write in the light!) So until someone with a license FIXES this mess, I'm writing and praying.

I made up "sinisterly." That's me.

Shalom with love, Marnie

(1)
Nettie,
March 10, 2014 9:36 PM

The real Oympic race in the shetl

I am the only child born in America. My seven brothers and sisters were all born in the Ukraine. They escaped the Cossack assault on the town in which they lived. That was as close to an Olympic contest as they had living in the shetl during the 1919 era. The story was repeated on a daily basis until I felt I had also escaped with them.

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I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!