I’ve been on this site since October and have learned a lot that has helped me with my own situation.

But I’m a researcher by profession (and probably by nature too!), and I started becoming interested in the shared experiences/commonalities of the BS. I couldn’t help compiling what I’ve learned from all of you here. I hope this helps the new BS.

1. Anyone can become a betrayed spouse.

No one has immunity. This is the ugly reality. If you spend enough time on here, you will see that the BS can be anybody. It doesn’t matter how old you are; there are people here in their early 20s and people well into their retirement years. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together; there are BS who were cheated on after thirty years of marriage or in their first year of marriage—some were cheated on before the marriage and some aren’t married at all. It doesn’t matter if you have no kids or six kids; it doesn’t matter if the kids are grown or newborns—it doesn’t even matter if the BS is pregnant. It doesn’t matter if you were high school sweethearts. It doesn’t matter how much or how little money you have. It doesn’t matter how religious you and your spouse are; you’ll see posts from BS whose WS were ministers or church leaders.

You’ll see many BS saying there were issues in the marriage prior to the A, but you’ll also see many BS who were happy and thought the marriage was good. You’ll see BS saying there were sexual/intimacy issues, but you’ll also see BS saying sex was great/frequent. There are BS who feel they weren’t looking their best before the A, but there are also BS who are exceptionally attractive. (Even gorgeous and wealthy celebrities get cheated on.) ANYONE can become a BS.

Since this can happen to anyone…

BS
DDay: September 2013
In R, having more good days than bad

Posts: 103 | Registered: Oct 2013

nomadladyMemberMember # 41090

Posted: 5:13 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

2. The affair is not your fault.

Since anyone can become a BS, the affair is clearly not because of something the BS is/isn’t or did/didn’t do. It wasn’t because you’re not young enough, attractive enough, thin enough, rich enough, sexual enough, fun enough, etc. Countless people who have these qualities in abundance (including you) still get cheated on.

You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You’ll still want to blame yourself from time to time though but …

BS
DDay: September 2013
In R, having more good days than bad

Posts: 103 | Registered: Oct 2013

nomadladyMemberMember # 41090

Posted: 5:13 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

3. There isn’t anything you could have done.

Many of you will go into problem-solving mode. One question many people here torture themselves with is “What could I have done to prevent this?” Did your spouse come to you way before the A and say, “I need to tell you that I’ve been deeply unhappy with myself/our relationship, so unhappy that I feel I may be tempted to have an inappropriate relationship with someone” and then say either “I don’t want to devastate you or the relationship, so I’m telling you this so I can work on myself/our relationship” OR “I need to walk away from this relationship because I don’t think this relationship is repairable”? Did your spouse do that? No? Then your WS never gave you any real choices—or any choices. So, again, there isn’t anything you could have done.

There’s another common question you’ll torture yourself with but the truth is …

BS
DDay: September 2013
In R, having more good days than bad

Posts: 103 | Registered: Oct 2013

nomadladyMemberMember # 41090

Posted: 5:13 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

4. You will never truly understand your WS’s choices.

Why? Why? You’ll keep asking yourself this. You will want to spend a lot of time and energy trying to figure out how your WS could do such a thing. You couldn’t imagine betraying your spouse in such a way, so you can’t wrap your head around how your WS could be so heartless and hurtful. You may buy countless books. You may try to diagnose your WS. It’s NPD! It’s bipolar disorder! It’s addiction! It’s FOO issues! He’s got KISA syndrome! It’s postpartum depression!

This need to get answers and make sense is understandable, but you’ll eventually realize you will never understand. It will never really make sense. You determine that your WS has a dysfunctional family. Will you hurt less? Will WS’s actions be less wrong?

Do some research and read the self-help books if it makes you feel better. But make sure you’re doing it to understand YOURSELF better.

It’s possible that your WS is dealing with serious disorders or issues and needs help. This still doesn’t justify his/her choices. Your WS’s disorder and your WS’s betrayal are two separate things. Yes, they are. Your WS may want to use the disorder or issue as an excuse—and you may want to as well. However, there are plenty of alcoholics who don’t cheat. There are plenty of people with bipolar disorder who remain faithful.

Part of the reason we BS want to find “the answer” is to help us figure out how to “fix” the problem, but …

BS
DDay: September 2013
In R, having more good days than bad

Posts: 103 | Registered: Oct 2013

nomadladyMemberMember # 41090

Posted: 5:14 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

5. You can’t fix your WS.

This reality will drive many of you crazy. You’ll refuse to believe it. Unfortunately, it’s the truth. You can’t change your WS. You can’t fix your WS. No book will fix your spouse. MC/IC won’t fix your spouse. God won’t fix your spouse. Well, then, who can fix your spouse? You already know the answer—yes, you do. Only your WS can fix himself/herself. Your WS has to want to change and has to be willing to do the uncomfortable and difficult work of “fixing” himself/herself. If your WS doesn’t want to change, there is not one damn thing you can do about it. Not one damn thing. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can figure out what to do next. And what should you do next? Well, you have to accept that…

BS
DDay: September 2013
In R, having more good days than bad

Posts: 103 | Registered: Oct 2013

nomadladyMemberMember # 41090

Posted: 5:14 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

6. You have no control over the relationship.

This is going to sound discouraging, but it’s the hard truth you have to accept. Since you can’t change, fix or control your spouse (if you could control your WS, he/she wouldn’t be a WS, right?), you can’t control the relationship since it involves two people with free will.

You couldn’t stop your WS from cheating. You can’t stop it from happening again. This is the scary truth you have to accept. You can’t make your WS want to stay in the marriage or want to work on the marriage. You can’t make your WS love you and be in love with you. You can’t make your WS fall out of love with or leave the OP. You can’t make your WS remorseful or truthful. You can’t make your WS kind, considerate, or compassionate. If you ever thought you had any control over your spouse or relationship, give up that illusion now. You will waste a lot of time and energy otherwise. How so? You’ll waste your emotional resources begging your WS. You’ll try to cling to the WS. You’ll think if you can just become a better spouse, whatever that means, WS will not cheat or leave. You’ll do the “humiliating dance of ‘Pick me!’” (as chump lady says). Read enough posts and threads and you will see that the BS is generally only further damaged by these actions.

The only thing you have control over is yourself. You can only control what YOU will do from this point forward. The first and most important thing you must do is get strong. You are dealing with one of the worst human experiences. It has affected you emotionally, spiritually, and physically. You may not be able to eat or sleep. You may not want to get out of bed. You may sometimes wish you could fade into oblivion. These are all normal responses to grief. Look around on this site—the BS goes through agony. But you must be strong if you’re going to move forward. This site has good advice for a new BS. Many of you will do the 180 (which is about getting strong, not getting back at your WS—sometimes you must detach from the source of your pain, at least temporarily, to get strong). You will find it difficult to make decisions without strength, so build your strength first. When you are ready, you can think about what to do next because…

BS
DDay: September 2013
In R, having more good days than bad

Posts: 103 | Registered: Oct 2013

nomadladyMemberMember # 41090

Posted: 5:14 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

7. Eventually, you will have to make a choice.

The choice is simple: stay or leave. Even if your WS is leaving or has left you, you still have this choice to make. How so? If you read through the threads, you will see many BS whose WS have left, but the BS is still clinging to the hope the WS will come back. These BS have made the choice to stay even if they don’t realize it.

The choice may be simple but it isn’t easy. You may not know what you want to do for a while. That’s okay. You don’t have to decide immediately. Do what you have to do to figure it out. Realize you are likely to change your mind many times. Talk to people you trust. Pray or meditate. Talk to an attorney to know what your options are (even if the idea scares you, information is power). Just know that, ultimately, only you can make this decision. Your therapist/pastor/mother/best friend will not be the ones to live with the consequences of the choices you make.

Even though you have two choices, there are several possible outcomes. To grossly oversimplify

* You can stay and it turns out well (e.g. your WS and you are able to build a new, strong M).

* You can stay and it doesn’t turn out well (e.g. your WS makes R impossible, your WS is still cheating, your WS cheats again later).

* You can leave and it turns out well (e.g. you remove a toxic WS from your life and begin a new life, you find love again with a worthy person).

* You can leave and it doesn’t turn out well (e.g. child custody issues, financial problems, loneliness).

There are no guaranteed outcomes, whatever you choose. However, there is a significant amount of collective wisdom on this site generated by the experiences of other people who’ve been and are where you are. You can use this wisdom to help you make more informed decisions such as…

BS
DDay: September 2013
In R, having more good days than bad

Posts: 103 | Registered: Oct 2013

nomadladyMemberMember # 41090

Posted: 5:14 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

8. If you choose to stay, accept that there is significant risk.

Realize there is significant risk involved in staying with your WS. Take time to really look at posts/threads/profiles, and you’ll see this. You will see over and over how many people had a D-day, stayed, and were confronted with another D-day…and another. You will see over and over how many people thought the A was over, only to discover WS was still seeing the OP. You will see over and over BS who want so much to reconcile but have a WS who won’t tell the truth, isn’t remorseful, won’t cut ties with the OP, or make any other needed repairs to the relationship. You will see over and over BS who are waiting on the sidelines as their WS are with their OP, hoping fervently that their WS will come back, only to be served divorce papers.

That’s not to say that staying is a doomed proposition. You will see many BS here who have reconciled with their WS and have rebuilt their marriages. They say they’re happy and healthy together. While it will be hard at times to believe that this is anything but a fairy tale, it is possible. In fact, this is the dream that keeps many BS with their WS. However, even in matters of the heart, you’ve got to use your head. When do the risks outweigh the potential benefits when it comes to staying with the WS?

* Will your WS do whatever you need to rebuild trust? This may include accounting for his/her whereabouts at all times and giving you computer and phone access. If your WS balks and says he/she is entitled to privacy, the risks are high.
* Will your WS permanently cut all contact with the OP? This may include writing a NC letter or calling the OP in front of you to make it clear there will be NC. If your WS refuses to do this or says the OP is now just a “friend,” the risks are high.
* Will the WS answer all your questions completely and honestly (and repeatedly if necessary)? Some WS may feel talking about the A may hurt more than help you. If you explain that this is something you need and the WS still won’t give you the truth, the risks are high. If you think your WS has given you the whole truth only to learn that what you were told is a lie, the risks are high.
* Does the WS show deep and genuine remorse? Only you know what this looks and feels like for your spouse. But if you don’t see or sense this from the WS, the risks are high.
* Does the WS take full responsibility for the A? If your WS blames you, whether fully or even partially, the risks are high.
* Does your WS show you compassion for what you’re going through? This includes being patient with your process—and it will be a long process. If your WS wonders when you’re going to “get over it,” the risks are high.
* Is the WS willing to examine himself/herself to see how he/she made the choices that were made so the same choices aren’t repeated? This may include IC or MC. If the WS isn’t willing to do this, the risks are high.

These above factors are related to reconciling after the A. However, you need to also realize that whatever issues your M had prior to the A are still there. Both of you have to be willing to take responsibility for the state of the M before the A and be willing to work on that. Does your WS accept this, and is your WS willing to do the work? Are YOU willing to do the work? If not, the risks are high. I’ve seen BS who say that the M was in bad shape before the A because the other spouse was emotionally stunted/a selfish a$$hole, so how is the BS responsible for the pre-A M? If this is your situation, realize you stayed in the M and put up with that treatment. You have to change the status quo and make it clear that you are a person of worth who does not accept disrespect.

If you examine the people with SUCCESSFUL R stories (there are PLENTY of false R examples), you will find that all of the above need to be in place. What if they aren’t in place? It’s still your choice, but understand that if you stay, the potential for further heartbreak is high. If your WS gives you clear signs that he/she cannot be trusted or cannot be the spouse you need and you still stay, you must accept some responsibility for putting yourself in that position if things turn out badly.

However, you have to also realize that your WS could meet all the above criteria and your M may still not work out. Your WS could be the poster child of remorse and for R and still cheat again. To stay, you must accept that this is a possibility. To reconcile, you have to be willing to take that risk.

The collective wisdom of the people on this site can also help you with the other option. The most important piece of advice seems to be that…

BS
DDay: September 2013
In R, having more good days than bad

Posts: 103 | Registered: Oct 2013

nomadladyMemberMember # 41090

Posted: 5:15 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

9. If you choose to leave, prepare yourself.

You will read posts and threads of other BS who separate/divorce and learned some difficult lessons. The most important seems to be that you must plan your moves in advance. Many BS thought their WS would play fair, think of the children, do the right thing…only to be blindsided by their WS’s ruthlessness in the divorce process. Protect yourself and, if you have any, protect your children. Consult an attorney if you haven’t already and arm yourself with information. Know your financial situation. Gather documents. Start your own accounts and begin separating your and your WH’s finances. Plan ahead. Your quality of life—and possibly your children’s quality of life—depends on you having a careful exit strategy.

Also, arm yourself with a support system you can lean on as you go through this difficult process. If you haven’t already done so, you must make the conscious decision to disengage yourself from your STBXWS. I can’t speak from personal experience, but from what I’ve read here, it may be a bumpy ride. Apparently anything can happen. Your WS may turn into Satan and seem hellbent on destroying your life via the D. Your WS may threaten you with D every day and do nothing for months. Your WS may say he/she can’t wait to divorce you but then be angry with you when you finally file. And, sometimes, the WS “comes to his/her senses” when the D process becomes a reality and wants to R with you. Be wary of this last scenario. While I’m sure there are some cases where this situation may work out positively for the couple, I’ve yet to read here of that happening. Most of the people here say that what happens in actuality is the WS finds it hard to believe that you can live without him/her. Or the WS liked being a cake eater. Or the WS begins to tire of being with the OW or being alone. What seems to happen more often is that the WS “comes home” and, eventually, falls back into the same hurtful behaviors.

The good news about this pathway is that there is an end. The D will eventually be finalized. You will move on. Your hurt will become less. And after all this mess, you can begin a new life that may be better than anything you’ve ever known.

Oh, and one more thing…

BS
DDay: September 2013
In R, having more good days than bad

Posts: 103 | Registered: Oct 2013

nomadladyMemberMember # 41090

Posted: 5:15 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

10. Not making a choice is still a choice.

There are many ways to not actively make a choice. Some BS go into denial. Some BS stay permanently stuck in the “I don’t know what to do” stage. Some BS decide the marriage is over, as far as they are concerned, but they choose to remain with their WS. They often have reasons they feel are legitimate: they want to keep their family intact, they don’t want some “stranger” (OP, possible stepparents) raising their children, they can’t afford to divorce, etc. These BS think that they’ve chosen to “leave” even while they stay in their relationships.

No one can judge you and the choices you make. You have to do what you can live with. You are a person of worth, and your life is precious. If you can live this way and be at peace, then do what you feel you must.

You might also ask yourself this. If you had an adult son or daughter in your same situation, what would you want your child to do? What advice would you give?

THIS is amazing. Herculean amazing. Pin it to the top of the JFO forum amazing. This is truly the one thread that EVERY person on SI, new or old, MUST read. If a newly betrayed spouse comes to SI and only reads one thing, this is it.

"Even a dead fish will go with the flow. Don't be a dead fish." - my pastor.

Posts: 625 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland

somanyyearsMemberMember # 26970

Posted: 7:56 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

..and a helluva good researcher if i may say so!

..well organized and to the point, ..make that 10 points!!

..t/j.. by any chance, do you own a Chevy Nomad???

..i'm a car guy.. just thought i'd ask!

smy

trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 68
Her 64
Married 43 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer !!

I wish I had could have read nomadlady's research paper on D-Day instead of several years later.

Both would have saved a lot of grief. I didn't do everything wrong; I did some things very right. But this site and articles like this would have made the path more clear. It's just plain hard to think straight when you're hit with a cheating spouse after 35 yrs of M.

Very clear and precise. Makes a good read for everyone. I love this post. Thank you so much :)

Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013

Want To Wake Up MemberMember # 31583

Posted: 12:24 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)

Me 54
WH 54
Met 1978
Married 1981
DDay 2009
Latest TT... Nov 2013 (yep, 2013... not a typo!)
"Adultery is not a symptom of a struggling marriage....a struggling marriage is a result of a person who can chose adultery."- saw this on SI

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2011

Shocked2believeMemberMember # 41010

Posted: 2:19 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)

What a incredible post. Thank you for that. I agree, it should perhaps go into the Healing Library. All new BS to SI should read it. Let's keep it going. .....

Me:BS Married 12 years, together 22
Him: WH- EA/PA with engaged COW = AP ideal: fiancé, WH and her in commune together (WTF?).

'If you come into my life, the door is open; If you leave my life, the door is open; Just one request, don't st

Posts: 131 | Registered: Oct 2013

NoAnswers37MemberMember # 40592

Posted: 4:03 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)

Very very good post, easy to read but covers all of the important aspects of betrayal. I think it will help new BSs feel more "normal" with the inevitable emotions they will sadly go through at the beginning.

Agreed, this needs to stay at the top!

Bravo, I think this will give a lot of people strength. And ultimately, that's all we want.

Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England

jackie89MemberMember # 38271

Posted: 6:54 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)

Wow! You are a great researcher, what I wouldn't of done to have read this when I had just found out!
This really needs to be in both the Healing Library and the JUST FOUND OUT forum!

Mods, please don't let this gem get lost..

BS- Me (48)
Divorce filed 5/7/15
1 DS -20
1 DD -16

Posts: 698 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: SE PA

selkiescotMemberMember # 23777

Posted: 7:13 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)

All veryy true. Great job.

The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT

TredMemberMember # 34086

Posted: 7:23 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)

Nomad - I'm impressed. Very well covered. This is definitely good advice whether your a newbie or been here for a while.

Seriously, Nomad. You've only been on SI since September and have only 22 posts, and you can write this?? You are nothing less than a genius. No more words, other than thank you.

Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5 (5 and 2 on DDay)
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a n

Posts: 1202 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.

StillStanding1MemberMember # 40144

Posted: 7:43 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)

Seriously, Nomad. You've only been on SI since September and have only 22 posts, and you can write this?? You are nothing less than a genius.

^^^^totally agree.

If not added to the Healing Library, this looks like the start of a second career as an author! You've managed to sum it all up, clearly and concisely. Wow! While I know all of this to be true already, it helps to see it there, all wrapped up with a nice little bow.

Yep, the risks are high. I'm cautious and not a gambler by nature... so why on earth am I trying to R? Can you take that on in "Chapter 2"? Actually, you can skip the diagnosis... I think I already know... sigh.

Keep up the great posts. I look forward to reading more. Best of luck with your journey.

This is brilliant. I wish I had seen something this clear, and so accurate, at dday 1. Certainly the part about staying friends = high risk. I could have dealt with it there and then, and not had dday 2.
On the other hand, according to this analysis, chances of R are high for me/us, as WW appears to be doing all the right things, and doing them without any prompting by me. And keeps saying how ashamed she is about her choices, both of having a PA and the particular low-lfe OM.
So thank you for posting.

as mamy have said...this is absolutely brilliant.
I cant believe you have only 22 posts and been on SI only 8 weeks....

I agree this is definitely a Healing Library post.

Bravo....Bravo...Bravo

me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one d-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later
I contacted AP's faithful wife and we both kept tabs on our waywards
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful

Posts: 163 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois

Thefly559MemberMember # 40268

Posted: 7:12 AM, November 24th (Sunday)

I thank you for this post. It was great. I agree with all of it and it was very well written. I would have loved for you to touch on if you had no choice. Like when the remorseless wayward cheats and divorces. No remorse at all. But all in all it was excellent and I thank you

"respect? you don't deserve it, you won't get any from me unless you earn it"

Posts: 831 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc

eachdayisvictoryMemberMember # 40462

Posted: 7:51 AM, November 24th (Sunday)

It's like a reconciliation bible. I notice the parts that make my stomach sink because I still have work to do in them, and the parts that I recognize from the journey so far.

You might also ask yourself this. If you had an adult son or daughter in your same situation, what would you want your child to do? What advice would you give?

well this hit me between the eyes...

well done!

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”

Posts: 7470 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest

pretendingtobeMemberMember # 32690

Posted: 10:59 AM, November 24th (Sunday)

THANK-YOU! THANK-YOU! THANK-YOU! I really needed to see this today.

Me:BW,, 47
Him:WH, 49
together 14 yrs.
married 6yrs.

Husband has had PA 7 yrs. ago
several online sexting, found out 05/29/11
another PA/EA:ended May,2011 found out July10/11
Husband thought we had an "open" marriage.Working on rec

Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2011

nomadladyMemberMember # 41090

Posted: 11:03 AM, November 24th (Sunday)

Thanks for the positive feedback. The truth is this thread was created by YOU. It just reflects what I've learned from your stories and experiences. I am inspired by and in awe of all your willingness to share your difficult journeys and moments of triumph as well as to reach out and comfort complete strangers.

@ somanyyears - No, I don't have a Chevy Nomad. I picked that name because I love to travel.

BS
DDay: September 2013
In R, having more good days than bad

Posts: 103 | Registered: Oct 2013

mchercheurMemberMember # 37735

Posted: 11:43 AM, November 24th (Sunday)

Nomad,
You are gifted.
This is one of the best threads I have ever read.
It concisely sums up my experience. I wish I had read it on Dday----it would have helped me to see more clearly, sort thru the agony of the situation.
Thank you.

Do you remember the song, "as if he'd found my letters and read each one out loud"

You sure have learned a lot in eight short weeks.

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a lie

Divorced!

Posts: 2244 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut

nomadladyMemberMember # 41090

Posted: 12:22 PM, November 24th (Sunday)

I would have loved for you to touch on if you had no choice. Like when the remorseless wayward cheats and divorces. No remorse at all.

Sadly, I've seen a lot of that here too. When this happens, it seems like the BS feels a huge loss of control. I'm sure a large part of it is that, not only are they hit with a tremendous betrayal, they may be given no time to process any of it. The WS doesn't just "leave" for the duration of the A but leaves permanently. And the WS has made all the decisions for the marriage and the BS has had no say in any of it, leaving the BS often feeling powerless and helpless.

But the BS ISN'T completely powerless or helpless because there's still a choice: stay or leave. The choice to stay or leave physically has been taken away but not whether you will stay or leave emotionally.

Even if your WS is leaving or has left you, you still have this choice to make. How so? If you read through the threads, you will see many BS whose WS have left, but the BS is still clinging to the hope the WS will come back. These BS have made the choice to stay even if they don’t realize it.

The WS has hijacked the marriage. Don't let the WS hijack your life.

It's natural to mourn the loss of a relationship. But then it's time for the BS to bury the dead and take back power. Choose to move on. Choose to be happy.

I know, I know--it's easier said than done. But I've seen so many BS here who've lived it and done it, and it's a sight to behold--talk about a group of empowered people.

I am working on a careful exit strategy and have seen several lawyers..For some people the exit strategy is quick, for others it can take years...

I am in the category of those who want a D..Unless my WH doesn't get awarded 50% in a settlement, a D will severely impact the quality of my life..I don't need much materially out of life, but by the same token I don't want to be so badly disadvantaged economically, that I have to go live with my mom or one of my grown sons...

My WH is unemployed voluntarily and purposefully flunks job physicals to make sure he does not get hired..His thinking is that this will get me off of his back about finding a job..He has no pension or savings to offer me in divorce..I would probably have to divide my meager pension and pay alimony in a settlement..I cannot live off of 1/2 of my pension without moving in with somebody or going back to work...

Since I am living off of pension and I am getting by economically for the time being, I don't want to have to go back to work full time any time soon..Severe injury impacted my mobility and caused me to take retirement when I did...

Even though I live in an in-house separation with WH because he refuses to leave, it may be quite a while before I feel healthy and strong enough to go back to work.I wish my health and inability to work full time could factor in a D so I could file for D sooner rather than later and and not ruin my retirement..I decided to retire versus trying for disability because I qualified for full pension from my company(to be paid monthly for the rest of my life )and the payout was more than disability would have been...

So maybe I am in the category of those people who feel that I have to stay in the in-house separation situation for now not because I like it or I get some payoff, but because I feel trapped..

I too have written a fair number of analytical documents - but when it comes to my FWH, and the A, and DDay, and all the rest I have all I can do to write a coherent sentence. So I say BRAVO nomadlady! Very well done, and thank you!
So what does it take to add something to the healing library?

Well done!!! This should be added to the healing library for everyone to read.

Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.

Posts: 496 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio

SwimsMemberMember # 30992

Posted: 2:11 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Brilliant post! Thank you! There has always been references on SI to the WS handbook (ILYBINILWY, and all of the nonsense a BS hears) but this post is the TRUE handbook for the BS to sort out rational and reasonable responses in the face of such emotional turmoil. Thank you!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: East Coast

Livia1776New MemberMember # 41546

Posted: 3:15 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

What a wonderful post! Even though it was years ago when my ex cheated on me, I'm still working through it, and this is just what I needed to hear. Bravo!

Posts: 10 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Los Angeles

Lola7MemberMember # 41195

Posted: 5:20 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Bookmarked and keeping in my arsenal. Thank you! :)

caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013

SilverRose13MemberMember # 33982

Posted: 2:39 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Wow, is all I can say. Just, wow. Also, I second the poster who asked if you could write a complimentary comprehensive for WSs to read. Your article was so well organized and thoughtfully planned. I think pinning it to JFO and the healing library would be an excellent idea. Thank you.

Not only should this be in the healing library but may I suggest you put in into an ebook "single" and price it at $2.99 +/-. Not only because it would be nice to be a published author, if you are not one already, but to share your perfectly clear and beautifully concise wisdom with the BSs who are not on SI.

Also, despite potential conflict of interest, send to American association of marriage counselors as a handout for all affair couples entering MC. Gosh, if my MC had laid it out like this, maybe I woulda been done that much soon.

I would have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had understood I couldn't fix the relationship. I see all too clearly how I set myself up for continued pain and sorrow by choosing to stay in the face of a WH ambivalent about R.

You lay out a very clear guide for objectively assessing the state of the marriage and the various options available to the BS.

Funny, looking back I see how my naive optimism and deep love for my WH only interfered with wise decision making. I hope struggling BSs take heed of your dispassionate guidance and make much better choices than I.

Bumping - this does need to be pinned and posted in the Healing Library!

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover-Mark Twain

Posts: 3139 | Registered: May 2004 | From: N. California

WarehouseGuyMemberMember # 6037

Posted: 5:43 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Bravo!!
This does belong in the healing library--and pinned as well.

whg

If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

Posts: 5920 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: Michigan

meplusfourMemberMember # 38958

Posted: 12:20 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

Bravo!

BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada

watersofavalonMemberMember # 37984

Posted: 6:23 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

Fix yourself, don't expect your WS to be able to fix you. All your WS can do is give you transparency and remorse so that you feel safe to heal. I was waiting for some single dramatic moment when H was going to say/do the one right thing to make me better - he isn't a magician, he couldn't do that. Once I accepted that it all became easy.

He did the damage to you but you have to heal from it yourself.

Me - BW 49
H - 52
T 31 years
M 21 years

3 children from 11 to 17.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?

Getting there!

Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK

Dawn58MemberMember # 37656

Posted: 7:54 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

Amazing post, wish I had read this when I was new to this site, it would have been so helpful!!!!

The point about never understanding why this happened, wow! I am coming to understand that I will never understand why this happened, but that question dogs me.

My STBX kicked me out of the house when I confronted him on the affair and said he wanted a divorce. He did not file, I did about 6 weeks later. My hand shook when I signed the papers, I so hoped that my marriage would survive.

My divorce is not final, still waiting on the mediation (he's hiding his money and not being forthcoming with documentation).

The part of the post regarding divorce - I believe it is both good and challenging. I am grateful every day that within my home, there is honesty and integrity. No more lies, no sneaking around, no WS acting like an nasty ass. And there is loneliness and a change of lifestyle. It has taken me a long time to get use to living by myself. I receive support from him, but since it was a short term marriage, will not last for very long. I finish school in June and have a long internship period.

All worth the price of freedom.

I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

As a fellow researcher, I applaud you. Did you use NVivo for your content analysis? I've always wondered about how things get added to the healing library. I think that great NYT article about betrayal should be in there -- I actually sent it to our MC, who has been referencing it. Here:
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?ref=opinion

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown

Posts: 1254 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land

PippyMemberMember # 16482

Posted: 4:30 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Bump

I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.

Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies

marlie2014MemberMember # 40981

Posted: 7:17 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Best. Thread. Ever!!!

Married: 9 years
1 stepchild
DDay: 9/2/2013
DIVORCED AND FREE!!!!

Posts: 214 | Registered: Oct 2013

lostandhoplessMemberMember # 41568

Posted: 12:02 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

I think this needs a bump

Be careful who you trust. Even your shadow will abandon you when it's dark.....

Divorced 6/13/14

Posts: 144 | Registered: Dec 2013

hurtsobadinsideMemberMember # 35308

Posted: 12:20 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

lostandhopless

Thank you for the "bump"
this is one of the best post
i have seen

me: 59
her WW- 58
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 26 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks and spent 2 days in the hospital with severe chest pains--thought I was having a heart attack)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful and she finally understands the true value and extent of the gift I gave her in both "R" and not telling anyone about her "A"

Posts: 163 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois

inthedark14MemberMember # 41924

Posted: 2:21 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

Nomadlady: this was an AMAZING post, so helpful so honest thank u!

WH: 39/BW:Me,32
Married 14 years in March, 2 Beautiful children 8 & 12
D-Day: Xmas Eve 2013-worst day of my life

"The most expensive thing in th world is TRUST, it takes years to earn and just a matter of seconds to lose"

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: santa rosa ca

Lola7MemberMember # 41195

Posted: 4:46 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

Bumping this for the people who haven't seen it. The best thread out there . . .

caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013

4everfaithful83MemberMember # 41761

Posted: 5:09 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

Great post! Thank you!!

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 32
WBF: 29
Together 8 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...

Posts: 732 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania

DobegirlMemberMember # 41837

Posted: 6:10 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

Omygosh exactly what I needed to read today. Going to bookmark this one for sure..thanks, thanks, thanks!

Me- BS 44 Always faithfull
Him- WS 44
2 mo. EA/PA with 25 yr. old slut that stroked his ego, OL profiles, CL ads
Married 8 years-No kids together
DDay-11/21/12...and many more
False R 2 LONG years
Time is a thief when your undecided

I so relate to trying to figure out the "Why it happened". That has taken me so long to accept that and as you pointed out, comes from that part of me that wants to fix it and is having a hard time letting go. I finally have come to the conclusion that he is very wounded and does not realize it. He acts out of that place, there was nothing I could do. I was blindsided by his affair, everyone was shocked. He is very good at deception.

I choose to divorce my husband, my mediation is in April. Not an easy choice but the only one I could make. I filed a year ago and the road has definitely had it's ups and downs.

I am 14 months out and am starting to feel that my heart is healing. I found my laughter again, I have moments of great happiness and relish my freedom. I have tremendous gratitude that I am not with my STBX and I still have moments of great sadness that I am not with him. And the hurt still bubbles up but doesn't consume me like it did before. Life does move on.

I really hope your post can go into the Healing Library, I think it will be most helpful to all BS to read.

I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

I tell the people that I know well enough to bring up the subject, that they will never see the betrayal coming...

They will be performing the spouses "duties" as they have been impressed with from their FOO. Then, they will get blindsided at DDay. Not their fault, nothing they did that was out of the ordinary - as far as they knew.

The BS NEVER sees it coming...

Me: BS 56
Her: fWW 51

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married

Posts: 440 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio

sillyoldsodMemberMember # 43649

Posted: 3:53 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)

Thanks for bumping and thank you Nomadlady for the thread. You hit the nail on the head. Awesome!

'The difficulty we have in accepting responsibility for our behaviour lies in the desire to avoid the pain of the consequences of that behaviour'.

"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 3294 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US

SadButNotDeadMemberMember # 47486

Posted: 4:11 PM, May 20th (Wednesday)

Brilliant.....
Concise and eloquent...... And objective.
Eyes wide open I'd say.
I am now more aware I am in the 'high risk' ratio for now.
Thanks for your insight because knowledge is power.