The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Category Archives: Movies

The 1940 film The Great Dictator is a historically significant political satire where Charlie Chaplin condemns Hitler, Mussolini, the Nazis, and Anti-Semitism. At the end of the movie, Chaplin as the barber is mistaken for the titular despot and gives a speech denouncing totalitarian regimes like Nazi Germany and rallying the soldiers along with the audience to fight for free liberal democracy. 76 years later with the rise of right-wing populist authoritarianism, Chaplin’s 5-minute climatic speech resonates as much as ever. These regimes may not be like the militarist nationalist regimes of the 1930s, but they can be just as much a threat to democracy, civil liberties, state institutions, human rights, and even the civic moral fiber. Many of these regimes came into power on platforms promoting racism and xenophobia. And many of the movements have demagogue leaders who have abused their power for their own enrichment, discredited and intimidated anyone who’s challenged or criticized them, and have little respect for the laws, values, and traditions in the very country they’re supposed to lead. Furthermore, their elections have emboldened extremists within their own nations into committing acts against vulnerable people with little or no consequence. But unlike some dictators of the 1930s, authoritarian leaders are much more likely to erode their constitutionally democratically elected regimes through legitimate means from within, which can even be scarier as well as just as disturbing. We must stand firm against authoritarian regimes that may not just compromise people’s liberties and rights, but can also rot a nation’s soul through corruption, misinformation, manipulation, and incompetence. Today we need to hear the words of Chaplin’s climatic speech more than ever to be reminded of our common humanity and how authoritarian leaders threaten our way of being. And since I doubt it’ll be heard at the Oscars this weekend, I have it on my blog.

Chaplin’s Final Speech from The Great Dictator:

I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be an emperor. That’s not my business. I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone – if possible – Jew, Gentile – black man – white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness – not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone. And the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way.

Greed has poisoned men’s souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical. Our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost….

The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men – cries out for universal brotherhood – for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world – millions of despairing men, women, and little children – victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people.

To those who can hear me, I say – do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed – the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish. …..

Soldiers! don’t give yourselves to brutes – men who despise you – enslave you – who regiment your lives – tell you what to do – what to think and what to feel! Who drill you – diet you – treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don’t give yourselves to these unnatural men – machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines! You are not cattle! You are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts! You don’t hate! Only the unloved hate – the unloved and the unnatural! Soldiers! Don’t fight for slavery! Fight for liberty!

In the 17th Chapter of St Luke it is written: “the Kingdom of God is within man” – not one man nor a group of men, but in all men! In you! You, the people have the power – the power to create machines. The power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.

Then – in the name of democracy – let us use that power – let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world – a decent world that will give men a chance to work – that will give youth a future and old age a security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power. But they lie! They do not fulfil that promise. They never will!

Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people! Now let us fight to fulfil that promise! Let us fight to free the world – to do away with national barriers – to do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men’s happiness. Soldiers! in the name of democracy, let us all unite!

And so I get to the last Merry Geekmas installment with Marvel Comics. Or as you know, it’s the franchise that brought you the Avengers, Stan Lee, Daredevil, Spider Man, the Fantastic Four, the X-Men, Dr. Strange, Deadpool, Wolverine, and Guardians of the Galaxy. I mean look at the look at the image above and see for yourself. This year was great for Marvel movies like Deadpool, Captain America: Civil War, Doctor Strange, and X-Men: Apocalypse. Of course, like DC Comics, Marvel also had special Christmas issues as well. Because you can’t forget the holidays as a major comic book franchise. And let’s just say, while DC is better known for Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman, Marvel has much more variety in their merchandising. Their movies are also more entertaining though DC beats them in the villain department by a large margin since their best ones tend to be Loki as well as Magneto and his people. After all, Batman villains tend to be very iconic and scary. Nevertheless, for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of ideas and things that will inspire you to have a merry Marvel Christmas Stan Lee could be proud of.

No patriotic Christmas is complete without these Captain America ornaments.

And yes, they mostly consist of his shield. But for any patriotic tree, this is a must have.

2. Keep yourself warm over the holidays with this Avengers tossle cap.

This one has Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, and the Hulk. If it comes with a scarf, keep both pieces assembled.

3. This Iron Man Christmas tree always makes your season bright.

It even has the heart that gives Iron Man his power to configure the suit. Still, I’m sure this will get Tony Stark’s approval.

4. Be wary when Captain America points to what’s on your left.

Yeah, Captain America isn’t wrong with that. Still, though he may be handsome, he’s at least over 90 years old.

5. Spider Tree, Spider Tree, can be whatever a Spider be.

Still, I think this Spider Man Christmas tree is missing something. I know, cobwebs. Because he’s a web slinger.

6. Seems like Iron Man has a present.

Seems like he’s being nice this holiday season. Of course, this is only a plushie.

7. Unfortunately, the Elves on the Shelves were no match for the Avengers.

And they did it without inflicting a lot of collateral damage in the process. Still, the Elf on the Shelf thing is incredibly creepy.

8. Sorry, Twinkletums, but Spidey doesn’t care for the likes of you.

Because he just got caught in Spider Man’s web. Great work, Spidey. The Elf on the Shelf needed to go.

9. An Avengers’ Christmas tree should be properly assembled.

It should also be blue with a Captain America shield on top. Hulk hands help as well.

10. Celebrate the season with this Deadpool Christmas sweater.

You’ll see a few of these Deadpool sweaters on this post. This one is quite minimal compared to the others.

11. This Wolverine stocking will surely be well hung.

I wonder if Hugh Jackman has a stocking like this at his fireplace. I wouldn’t be surprised.

12. This Deadpool owl ornament is a genuine hoot on your tree.

You can tell since it has a Deadpool belt. Still, this is adorable.

13. Speaking of Deadpool, you can’t go without this polymer clay ornament of him.

He even has candy canes on the back instead of swords. Also like the Santa hat.

14. Make your Christmas a patriotic one with this Captain America holiday sweater.

This one is black with red, white, and blue. And it features Cap’s shield in the center.

15. Make Christmas wonderful with this Loki sweater.

So let me get this straight. Only in Marvel can a Norse god have his very own Christmas sweater. Is that right?

16. Of course, not even Loki would disapprove of this Avengers Christmas tree.

This one includes masks as well as comic books. But it still has the Captain America shield on top.

17. Nothing makes you look like a badass on Christmas like this Deadpool sweater.

This one has Deadpool’s face at the center. But it’s in black and red as he’d prefer it.

18. Spidey sits on top of a present.

For the record, they have a lot of these Spider Man Christmas inflatables. So expect more on this post.

Of course, I couldn’t do themed Merry Geekmas posts without including the comic book superhero franchises of DC and Marvel. After all, comic superheroes make crucial part of the nerd landscape since they’re beloved by generations as well as lead casts of major blockbuster movies. Not to mention, so many people dress as them for Comic Con. This year for the DC Comics we has Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice and Suicide Squad. Both were major blockbuster hits. Nevertheless, like other franchises, comic book superheroes also have their own branding for the holidays. For instance, many of them have their own holiday special issue. And this has gone on for decades even before they started making movies featuring superheroes. With DC Comics, you’ll probably had Batman or Superman saving Santa or something like that. Anyway, Christmas is a big time of year for the comic books for obvious reasons. So it should surprise that many fans make a themed Christmas with their favorite superheroes. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of things related to a DC Comics Christmas.

Have a Gotham Christmas with these Batman baubles.

Consists of ornaments pertaining to Batman, the Joker, and Harley Quinn. So fans would enjoy them.

2. There’s nothing more unique on Christmas than a Batman snowflake.

It’s a paper snowflake with the Batman sign. And it’s in 2 variations.

3. Harley Quinn is quite the naughty elf this year.

Actually, “naughty” puts it mildly. More like straight up criminally insane. Yet, she carries the bat suit behind her.

4. This Christmas say hello to Batman Claus.

As you know, Batman Claus gives presents to all the girls and boys. And he beats the shit out of those who are very bad like the Joker.

5. Celebrate Christmas by commemorating The Dark Knight Rises with this Bane ornament from Hallmark.

Because nothing says Christmas like a supervillain who beats the living shit out of Gotham’s superhero, puts him in a hole out in some far of prison, and takes over his town. Oh, and that Talia woman Bruce Wayne slept with. Well, she’s with him. Still, Bane does have a nice side. But don’t count on it.

6. There’s nothing to a Gotham Christmas like a Batman tree.

This one has the bat symbol all over it. I’m sure someone would want to do this for the holidays.

7. How about a Harley Quinn stocking for the fireplace?

Not sure if it would help your case with Santa. After all, Harley Quinn is a very bad girl in Gotham.

8. No Christmas tree of justice can be complete without a tree skirt like this.

This one has Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman. Or as I call them, the Golden Trio of DC Comics.

9. May your Christmas be a beacon of hope with this Wonder Woman wreath.

This one has fancy wreath decorations along with Wondy’s boots and her lasso. A great wreath for the feminist girl at heart.

10. Decorate your super Christmas tree this year with these super Justice League ornaments.

These include Batman, Superman, and Green Lantern. And they’re all made from a glassy metal.

11. An aluminum Christmas tree is perfect for the Dark Knight.

This one has the Batman cowl on it with other decorations. All in all, it’s an intimidating tree.

These lights all have the Superman symbol on them. And they’ll make your tree and season bright unless you put them with Kryptonite.

13. Wonder Woman wishes you a wonderful Christmas.

However, though I can believe Wondy can carry a large sack of toys on her back. I’m not sure about her being able to brave rough weather in her skimpy outfit. Maybe she has super heat insulating fat under her skin.

14. Make your Christmas a superheroic one with a Superman Christmas tree.

Sure it shines bright like a beacon at Metropolis. Though after watching Man of Steel, I’m not sure if it’s one of hope.

15. These Justice League ornaments are exactly what one needs on their superhero Christmas tree.

I don’t really know the one on the bottom right. Yet, the Aquaman one looks quite different from his movie counterpart.

16. He’s making a list and checking it twice. Gonna find out who’s naughty or nice.

And you thought I was talking about Santa. Well, Batman has his own naughty list.

17. Batman has his own Christmas greeting at the door.

This is a door decoration for a school. Kids write on the bats. Not sure about Batman in a Santa hat.

18. Choose your Justice League lights for a bright holiday season.

Each one is in a different color. Superman’s is red. The Green Lantern’s is green. And Batman’s is blue.

19. Greet your guests this Christmas with a Batman wreath on your door.

As you can see, this is a DIY project. Yet, it’s made more Christmasy with the red ribbon on the bottom.

20. Your gifts will be safe in these Batman and Robin stockings.

Seems like these are DIY. Like how the Robin one’s decorated.

21. It always takes a Dark Knight tree to make the season bright.

This one even has a star on top along with a Batman without the mask. Love the blue trimmings.

22. Apparently, the Joker decided to go with a Charlie Brown tree.

Or is that just a dead tree that seems like it caught fire? Either way, it’s quite fitting for the most notorious Batman villain.

23. Gotham City wishes Seasons Greetings to Batman.

This is a card from 1989. Nice that Gotham used a Christmas tree for the bat signal. Because you know what the latter means.

24. The Dark Knight of Gotham always has to have a resplendent Christmas tree.

This one has a topper of Batman silhouetted among the moon or a spotlight. Has comic sound effects on the branches.

25. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. No, it’s Super Santa.

Because why does Santa need a sleigh with reindeer if he can fly unassisted in mid air? I mean he must be from planet Krypton.

26. For a super holiday season, this Superman tree is for you.

It even has the word “Superman” around it as well as yellow, red, and blue ribbons. And the Man of Steel is on top.

27. Catwoman tells everyone to be fierce this holiday season.

Another door decoration for a school. Here Catwoman has holly on her shoulder.

28. These Justice League baubles will make quite an impression on your Christmas tree.

Includes the Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, Superman, and Batman. So why no Wonder Woman?

29. Wonder Woman is all decked in her gay apparel.

Because like any skimpy clad superheroine, Wondy has to have her own Santa skirt. Also, her Lasso of Truth is gold tinsel.

Our next stop for Merry Geekmas is onward to the wonderful world of Disney. Unlike the other franchises we’ve seen so far, Disney has been in the Christmas business for years. Hell, they have Christmas celebrations at their parks as well as Christmas specials for decades, especially during the 1990s. Let’s just say that this is a franchise that’s heavily cashed in on the Christmas commercialization phenomenon big time. Of course, Disney has a ton of fans around the world. But there are plenty of Disney fanatics out there who go all out. And I’m not talking about kids or parents here. I’m talking about adults who’d dress up as Disney characters at Comic Con and go all Disney out on Christmas. And that’s where I come in. These people could easily do a Disney themed Christmas tree and decorations. You know, the real Disney nerds. So for your reading pleasure this holiday season, I bring you an assortment of tidings from the magical world of Disney.

Eeyore wishes you a happy Christmas.

Yet, we’re not sure if Eeyore will be merry because merriment isn’t his strong suit. But his friends accept him anyway.

2. Do you want to build a snowman Christmas tree that is?

“Hi, I’m Olaf and I give warm hugs.” Easier than building a snowman in parts of the country this time of year, especially where I live.

3. On your tree, say Merry Christmas with mouse ears.

As I said before, I’m not a fan of Mickey and his friends. But nevertheless, I feel obligated to show these.

4. Frozen fans will enjoy this Olaf nutcracker.

And in the spirit of Christmas, he even has a Santa hat as well as red and green scarf. You can’t help but like this.

5. Greet your friends and family with this Disney Christmas wreath.

Though I’m not a fan of classic Disney characters, I knew I had to make concessions here. This is one of them.

6. You can always let it go with this Elsa Christmas tree ornament.

For nothing says Christmas than snapping out at your coronation, leaving your kingdom to eternal winter, and running away from your queenly responsibilities. Yes, Elsa, what a way to let it go.

Man, and I though the Hogwarts gingerbread scenes were spectacular. This really takes the cake for me. Love the detail.

38. This summer Olaf ornament will brighten your Christmas season.

Because nothing says Christmas like a snowman fantasizing about summer while completely ignoring the basics of thermodynamics. Yeah, we all know what happens to snowmen when the weather is above a certain temperature.

39. For a Disney Christmas, you can choose from a variety of stockings.

And boy, do they have a wide variety here. These feature everything from classic characters, to princesses and Pixar.

40. This Pooh Christmas plush will make your holidays as sweet as honey.

While I don’t care for classic Disney characters, I can’t help but like Winnie the Pooh. Perhaps it’s because he and his friends are more relatable to all ages. Still, this is cute.

41. Merry Christmas from Mickey Mouse and his friends.

This 1954 Christmas card is kind of creepy to me. It sort of Mickey controlling Pinocchio in an evil puppetmeister mode. Disturbing.

42. Nothing shows you the value of friendship this Christmas like an inflatable of Sven and Olaf.

Sven even has a Christmas wreath on him as Olaf rides on top of him. Sure it’s from Frozen but it melts your heart.

43. Fans of the Little Mermaid may want to hang this stocking.

After all, it consists of Ariel’s fish tail and her seashell bra piece. What more can you ask for?

44. This Mickey Mouse wreath seems to be as sweet as candy.

Well, it has candy pieces on it. Nevertheless, it’s very much in tune with the Christmas spirit.

45. This Mickey Mouse cake makes a delectable Christmas treat.

Okay, I’m not a fan of Mickey Mouse. But I couldn’t miss this cake up. Since I know he has his fans.

46. Any Disney princess would love to have a Christmas tree like this.

Hey, I’m 26 years old and even I wouldn’t mind having a Christmas tree like this. I mean what girl wouldn’t?

47. There is no Christmas ornament like this that tells a tale as old as time.

For nothing says Christmas like some good old-fashioned Stockholm Syndrome. Still, to be fair, Beauty and the Beast is my favorite Disney movie by far.

48. A Christmas tree like this is a must have for any mad tea party.

Yes, this is another Alice in Wonderland Christmas tree. All I know is fans may want to see this.

49. Eeyore always loves a gingerbread cookie now and then.

Though he may not always show it. But you have to love Eeyore’s Santa hat though.

Well, since Christmas takes place in winter, this is quite fitting. However, Elsa isn’t as great a role model to young women as many think she is.

51. If you like Ursula, then this Christmas tree ornament in her Vanessa disguise is for you.

For nothing says Christmas like stealing someone else’s boyfriend so you can take over the ocean by marrying him. Still, if Ursula was smart she could’ve just killed Prince Eric which would save all the trouble.

52. Treasure the memory of The Lion King with this Simba Hallmark keepsake ornament.

After all, nothing says Christmas like singing a lively musical number about being king of the pride lands without considering that your dad must die before that would happen. Of course, Simba probably thought that was long way off. However, we all remember what happens to Mufasa not too far after this.

53. Celebrate the Hunchback of Notre Dame with this Christmas tree ornament from Hallmark.

Because nothing says Christmas like saving a girl’s life from your crazy self-righteous guardian in hopes you might get in her pants. Yet, she only wants to be friends. Sorry, Quasimodo, but she has eyes for Phoebus.

He comes out of present in a Santa hat and holding a candy cane. What’s not to love?

61. Fans of the aliens from Toy Story, have I got a tree for you?

Just make sure you don’t have any claws on your ceiling. Because such things have a special meaning to them.

62. No Disney princess should ever celebrate Christmas without a wreath like this.

This one includes Disney Princesses with snowflakes. Surely you can’t resist this.

63. For a Frozen Christmas tree, it’s best that it’s covered with snow.

With an Elsa tree topper, this is a rather fitting Christmas tree. Helps that the ornaments match, too.

64. If you liked the Little Mermaid, then try this ornament on your Christmas tree.

After all, nothing says Christmas like musing about changing everything about yourself for a guy you just met. Sure Ariel is more proactive than other Disney Princess, but she’s very much immature.

65. You’ll never know what you’ll see in a Mickey Mouse Christmas wreath.

This one has all kinds of things like flowers, presents, and snowflakes. Has very much a Christmas and creative touch.

66. Relive your favorite moments from Beauty and the Beast with this Hallmark keepsake ornament.

For nothing says Christmas like having a talking wardrobe cheer you up after you let the Beast take you hostage so your dad may leave. And he wants you to have dinner with him which you want no part of.

67. Now this is what I’d call the ultimate Disney Christmas tree.

Guess the ornaments on this tree are nowhere near cheap. Since many seem like you’d find them in a catalog.

68. Pixar fans will surely appreciate a Christmas tree like this.

It even has a balloon house tree topper. Even has a lot of Pixar stuff on it, too.

69. These Mickey Mouse Christmas jars are great for storing candy.

Well, 2 of them have bows on the top. So you can’t say they’re necessarily Mickey jars. But all have the ears.

70. Santa Pooh always enjoys his honey.

And here he is on a jar with a candy cane. Okay, he doesn’t have a beard. But I don’t care.

71. Seems like the Genie likes to sing Christmas carols.

Then again, the Genie always likes to show off his talents. Though I’m sure it’s very unlikely Christmas is celebrated where he’s at.

72. This Disney Christmas wreath will surely make your holidays just as sweet.

Note that it features Disney characters in gingerbread. Still, it’s quite colorful.

73. On Christmas, Mike and Sully always demonstrate the power of friendship.

This is a nice Christmas wreath from Monster’s Inc. Like how Mike and Sully are featured.

74. If you like Olaf, than this Olaf Christmas vacation inflatable is for you.

Of course, being a snowman, he certainly can’t celebrate Christmas anywhere south of Florida even if he wanted to. Because he’d be reduced to water there. Not sure how to explain this to kids.

75. This snowman Tigger inflatable would always make one bounce for joy.

Is Tigger in that snowman? Might want to get him out before he contacts hypothermia.

76. This Inside Out tree will inspire all kinds of emotions.

This one is quite creative. Love the colors. Hope it inspires joy.

77. Cherish the joy of family this Christmas with this Frozen keepsake ornament.

For nothing says Christmsa like shutting your little sister out of your life after accidentally knocking her unconscious with your ice powers. Now both Elsa and Anna are screwed up for the first part of the movie.

78. If you like Pocahontas, then feast your eyes on this ornament.

For nothing says Christmas like a colonialist romance that never happened in real life due to a large age difference. Also, Pocahontas, you should know he may be carrying small pox. Just saying.

79. This Christmas inflatable from Winnie the Pooh brings winter fun.

Not sure how I feel about Eeyore being used as a reindeer to pull the sleigh. Yes, he’s a donkey but still. Can’t he get a break?

80. If you love Sleeping Beauty, then you might enjoy having this ornament on your tree.

For nothing says Christmas by having to inflict some degree of G-rated sexual assault to wake up your girlfriend from a magically induced coma. Way to teach us about consent, Disney.

81. A Mickey Mouse wreath can always do with some ornaments.

Well, it has gold and baubles that shine. The red ribbon looks nice, too.

82. Celebrate this holiday season with this animated table top Christmas tree from Disney.

Again, another expensive trinket from Disney suited for the holiday season. Not sure if I’d advise anyone to get it. But it’s unique so it goes on the post.

83. This Cinderella wreath is perfect for a Christmas ball.

Well, it surely sparkles like Cinderella’s dress. But I have say she’s not among my favorites.

Includes ornaments from classic Disney characters as well as the movies. And it has a Santa hat on top.

85. Even WALL-E knows how to deck the halls.

And he seems to be caught up in the lights. Nevertheless, this is adorable.

86. Of course, WALL-E and EVE would rather celebrate the season together.

This one has WALL-E holding the Christmas tree and EVE holding the lights. Still, so cute.

87. Remember moments from Pinocchio with this ornament on your tree.

Because nothing says Christmas like being locked in a cage after skipping school to go to an island amusement park that turns boys into donkeys. And now you’re lying to the Blue Fairy to save your ass.

88. These Bambi outdoor Christmas decor will make your season bright.

Uh, I’m not sure if Thumper and Bambi would even celebrate Christmas for they certainly didn’t have stuff like that in the movie. Also, the holiday season isn’t a great time for deer especially since it’s early December.

89. This Elsa Christmas dress is surely worth freezing for.

Yes, they have one of these things for Elsa. Still, you have to like the snowflakes and braid on it.

Moving on for my Merry Geekmas themed posts is on to Harry Potter. Unlike franchises like Star Trek and Star Wars, this universe certainly celebrates Christmas as you’ve probably seen in each of the books. This despite the fact that there’s not a lot of talk about Christianity other than the presence of churches in wizard villages as well the Fat Friar ghost. So it’s possible that at least wizards in the HP universe probably do have some degree of religious beliefs. They just don’t talk about them. At any rate, whenever it’s Christmas at Hogwarts, there are usually a brightly decorated trees and decor in the Great Hall even though it may be somewhat empty when students spend the holidays with their families. In Goblet of Fire, the Great Hall Christmas decor was even more spectacular with the Triwizard Tournament going on. As you can see, it was transformed into a winter wonderland for the Yule Ball, which Harry and Ron didn’t enjoy by the way. This especially goes for Ron since he wore a famously ugly dress robe and got pissed off that the girl he liked was going out with a celebrated Quidditch player he had previously gushed over. And he didn’t even realize it while Harry and the readers certainly did. Still, while Harry’s Christmas was more or less a happy occasion in the books before Goblet of Fire, especially the first when he received the Invisibility Cloak and his own Weasley sweater, it becomes darker as the books go on. One noteworthy example would be in The Order of the Phoenix when Nagini attacked Arthur Weasley in the Ministry. Of course, Christmas is certainly not a happy occasion for Neville Longbottom who certainly doesn’t look forward to it. Why? Because Christmas for him usually consists of visiting his parents who were tortured by Deatheaters to the point of insanity that they don’t recognize him. At any rate, there are plenty of Harry Potter fans that celebrate the holiday season in their own magically way possible. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of ways you can have a Harry Potter Christmas.

Now you can celebrate the holidays with your own Harry Potter Weasley sweater.

Each Weasley sweater has a color with the wearer’s first initial. Harry’s is blue. Ron’s is maroon.

2. If you like fantastic beasts, then you’ll adore this baby dragon ornament.

This one is of Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback which Hagrid got in the first book. They had to have the little guy sent away. Later had name changed to Norberta.

3. A Patronus ornament will ward off Dementors from your tree.

This one is of a stag which is Harry’s patronus charm. It was also his father’s as well.

4. Hope you can catch the Harry Potter magic this Christmas with this stocking.

This one has Hogwarts, Harry’s lightning bolt scar, and glasses. Is also in red and yellow Gryffindor colors.

5. Be sure to hang up the mistletoe but beware of nargles.

Nargles are creatures Luna Lovegood or her dad might’ve made up. They’re said to live in mistletoe and be quite the little thieves.

6. Fans of the Sorcerer’s Stone might like to have this flying key ornament on their tree.

The flying keys were in the dungeon where the sorcerer’s stone was being held. Yet, Harry spotted the one with the broken wing that fit through the door.

7. Those who like the Chamber of Secrets might want to have a mandrake ornament on their tree.

They’re the plants that look like ugly babies with screams that could kill someone. Yet, they were instrumental in reviving people from being petrified.

8. Looks like this owl has a Hogwarts letter.

Well, it’s an owl ornament with a letter in its beak. Understand that wizards correspond through owl post in these books.

9. Merry Christmas from the Burrow.

As we all know, the Burrow is the Weasley house. However, I doubt that the Weasleys would use electric Christmas light decorations. Then again, Mr. Weasley likes Muggle stuff so it’s kind of believable.

10. Send a seasons greetings with this Harry Potter Christmas card.

This one has Harry as a tree with his glasses, wand, and Gryffindor scarf. And Hedwig is by his side.

11. Dobby is on top of the Christmas tree.

Dobby is wearing a Santa hat. Dobby is ready for Christmas.

12. Now this is a real Hogwarts stocking.

It has the Hogwarts logo and everything. Hope Santa gets a load of this.

13. Nothing makes a great Hogwarts Christmas tree than with the Sorting Hat on top.

However, should a sword fall out when you’re placing the Sorting Hat on top of the Christmas tree, then consider yourself a true Gryffindor. Also, beware of angry goblins from Gringotts.

14. Show your magical side this Christmas with this Harry Potter ugly sweater.

As you can see, it contains almost all the stuff you’d associate with Harry Potter. Contains headwig, his glasses, his scar, his patronus, and the mark of the Deathly Hallows.

15. A Harry Potter ugly sweater like this reflects the true Christmas spirit.

This one features wands, Harry’s glasses, his scar, and the Golden Snitch. All in a background of snowflakes and Christmas trees.

16. Treasure moments of Harry and Dumbledore by the Pensieve with this Hallmark Keepsake ornament on your Christmas tree.

Because nothing says Christmas like looking into people’s unpleasant memories in order to stop Lord Voldemort. This is especially so in the Half-Blood Prince.

17. How about a list that writes itself on your Christmas tree?

Well, Rita Skeeter has her Quick Quotes Quill that writes whatever she wants it to say. Still, I think this is quite clever if you ask me.

18. This Harry Potter tree skirt is a real patchwork.

This seems to be all Harry Potter out. Includes things like Platform 9 3/4, a wand, and Hedwig.

19. For this Harry Potter Christmas, you can’t avoid not wearing this ugly sweater.

Yes, this is another ugly Harry Potter holiday sweater. Yet, this is the most Christmasy one so far.

20. Looks like a doe patronus guides to Godric’s sword in a frozen lake.

We all know that’s Snape doing it since the doe reflects his love for Lily. Ron uses the sword to destroy Slytherin’s locket.

21. For a homey Christmas touch, you might want to go with a gingerbread Burrow.

I had a Burrow gingerbread house in the Harry Potter treat post in March. But this is more in keeping with the holiday spirit.

22. How about a gingerbread Hogwarts Express?

This one doesn’t use much icing at all. Yet, it’s surely in the Harry Potter spirit especially with the 9 3/4.

23. Add a dash of Dark Arts this Christmas with these Unforgivable Curse ornaments.

Because nothing says Christmas like 3 of the most powerful and sinister spells. You know spells that are classified as Unforgivable that they lead to a one way ticket to Azkaban on a life sentence. Except in the later Harry Potter books.

24. Make your Christmas tree more forbidden with vials of unicorn blood.

You know the substance that Voldemort sustained on when he was living in the back of Quirrell’s head. Is forbidden by the Ministry of Magic and will result in the drinker living a half-life, a cursed life.

25. It’s always nice have Christmas with a cozy gingerbread of Hagrid’s hut.

Just remember it’s not very nice on the inside since housekeeping isn’t Hagrid’s strong suit. Still, Harry and his friends don’t seem to mind.

26. Grace your door with this magical Harry Potter Christmas wreath.

This one includes Hedwig, Harry, and a wand. And all are added in what would’ve been an otherwise normal Christmas wreath.

27. Solemnly swear you’re up to no good with this Marauder’s Map Christmas tree skirt.

Those are the words you say in order to open the Marauder’s Map of Hogwarts which can monitor everyone. Makes me wonder why Fred and George didn’t tell Ron about Scabbers being Peter Pettigrew. I mean they had to have known.

28. This howler ornament is well worth the shout out.

After all, nothing says Christmas like a letter from your mom yelling at you after you and your best friend use the family car to get to Hogwarts which crashed into the Whomping Willow. And having that car go rogue ever since. Still, when Mrs. Weasley gets pissed, watch out.

29. For a touch of pink on your tree, this Umbridge ornament has you covered.

I’m not sure how to feel about this. On one hand, she seems to have a scale on her shoulder and is riding a tricycle, which might mean she’s under torture. On the other hand, it might symbolize her authority which would make me cringe.

30. This gingerbread Burrow is all full of Christmas cheer.

Now that seems more like how the Weasleys would decorate their house for the holidays. Like the wreaths on it.

31. An owl on top of a Harry Potter Christmas tree can be especially magical.

This one even has a train track for the Hogwarts Express in the middle as well as a cauldron base. Love the candles surrounding the tree.

This one even has cups and spells all over it. Yet, doesn’t use as much light as the other tree did.

34. Relive Harry’s first time in Dumbledore’s office with this Hallmark keepsake ornament.

For nothing says Christmas like being sent to the principal’s office for freaking out a student with a talent you didn’t know you had. Luckily Dumbledore already has an idea of who opened the Chamber of Secrets anyway.

35. This gingerbread Hogwarts is a real Christmas delight.

This one had to be from the Chamber of Secrets since Mr. Weasley’s car is in the Whomping Willow. Don’t worry, it’ll find its way out.

36. This Marauder’s Map tree skirt will show exactly where you need to go.

Yes, this is another Marauder’s Map tree skirt. But this one shows the actual map of Hogwarts.

37. Now this seems like the ultimate Harry Potter Christmas tree.

This one has Hedwig on top, a Gryffindor scarf garland, the Hogwarts logo, and Harry’s Firebolt. Still, is that Scabbers the rat?

38. Any true Harry Potter fan should know where Harry catches the train.

Yes, Platform 9 3/4 it is. Since it’s between Platforms 9 and 10 at the King’s Cross station.

39. Count down to Christmas with your own Harry Potter Advent calendar.

Each day has a surprise inside as well as features an aspect from the series. Like how it has the Great Hall Christmas scene from the first movie.

40. Snape fans would certainly want a Christmas ornament like this.

After all, his doe patronus and “Always” illustrate his undying love for Lily. Though it didn’t encourage Snape to treat Harry better during Potions class.

41. Seems like we have ourselves a little Harry Potter snowman.

This bauble ornament even has a snow Headwig, too. All in all, this is adorable.

42. For a Harry Potter Christmas, nothing’s more golden than the Golden Snitch.

You know what Harry’s charged to catch as a Seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Still, this one seems easy to make.

43. There’s nothing more magical this Christmas like this gingerbread Hogwarts castle.

This one even includes a little Hagrid’s hut, too. Not as intricate as some of the ones I’ve seen, but nonetheless charming.

44. Wake up Christmas morning in your very own ugly Harry Potter pajamas.

Yes, these are ugly Harry Potter PJs for Christmas. Sure they look festive yet, their existence defies all explanation.

45. This gingerbread Hogwarts is an enchanting treat of its own.

Not sure what to think of this one. Then again, maybe I’m more used to looking at Hogwarts from a different angle than this.

46. For Hogwarts pride, feel free to show these ornaments on your tree.

It’s a set that includes the Hogwarts logo along with the 4 Houses. I’m sure none of these come cheap.

47. How about topping your Christmas tree with a golden snitch.

Well, that’s a bright golden snitch, all right. Yet, the fact it’s made from gold wires and lights certainly helps.

48. For a more magical Christmas, you might want to go with this Christmas wreath.

This one has owls, stars, quill, and a scroll with writing. Certainly a Harry Potter Christmas wreath if there was one.

Of course, nothing says Christmas like a date rape drug, a truth serum, a potion that makes you change into someone else for an hour, or one that brings good luck. Seriously, if you don’t understand me, read the books.

56. Select the ornament that best represents your Hogwarts House.

Yes, they have baubles for Hogwarts houses, too. This one is a more simplified image than most.

57. Anyone who likes Harry’s DADA teachers may enjoy these ornaments.

These seem to consist of cat plates, board questions, Moody’s magic eye, chocolate bars, Lockhart’s books, a boggart box, and Scabbers. You can guess which things belong to which one.

58. Feast your eyes on these Hogwarts snowflakes.

Each one is the color of a Hogwarts House. Hogwarts snowflake is the exception since it represents the whole school.

59. Make your Christmas tree fiery by topping it with a phoenix.

You can imagine that Dumbledore probably has a Christmas tree like this in his office. Or at least he should.

Since Daniel Defoe wrote Robinson Crusoe and even before then, survival stories have always been a source of endless entertainment to the masses living in civilization. Today you have survival movies like Castaway and The Revenant along with TV series like Lost and The Walking Dead, and even reality programs like Survivor or stuff from the Discovery Channel. Many of what you see about surviving in the wilderness or devastated urban environment isn’t necessarily what’s going to help you in real life. Reality shows have camera crews and don’t really depict reality anyway. And survival stories that took place in historical times may feature characters that do stuff that violate basic common sense. Here I have a list of survival tips you get from movies and why they’re totally wrong.

It’s likely that you will suddenly end up in a classic survival scenario. (Most people who end up in a classic survival scenario usually do so through a series of bad decisions that, if you don’t take immediate action, you might die. Real survival isn’t about being the toughest and most experienced, but keeping out of those situations through basic common sense. Not to mention, being flexible as well as swallowing stubbornness and pride. For instance, a lot of your classic survival heroes probably wouldn’t be in such situations if they {or someone else} didn’t make the decision to travel to the location in the first place. Still, if you’re fishing in a lake when you see lightning, get off the lake. It’s that simple).

You can live off the land with no problem. (From How to Survive It: “When the settlers landed on Plymouth Rock, they had plenty of experience living off the land (hunting, foraging, farming, etc.) and were well-versed in primitive skills like fire-starting and making the most of natural resources, yet they still nearly starved to death. Today there are fewer wild animals and edible plants and far more people than then, and few people possess even a fraction of the skills that our settlers had. If living off the land is your only plan to sustain yourself and your family, you’re in for some rough, potentially deadly times.”)

A gun is the most important thing you’ll need. (Guns may be great to have when surviving the wilderness or a post-apocalyptic scenario, but they will not help you if you’re thirsty or have a medical emergency. While a gun may protect you from criminals {though not always reliably}, you’re more likely to die of disease or accidents. So unless you’re in a situation similar to Oregon Trail, you’re better off stocking on food and medical supplies before buying a gun).

You don’t need to prepare for survival in a short hike. (Even short hikes can become dire survival situations. The weather may get bad. You might get lost or injured. Always have a few key items with you before you venture into the outdoors like extra clothes, a map, a compass, a flashlight, first aid kit, as well as extra snacks and water. Also, always let someone know where you’re going and when you plan to come back so they could notify a search party to rescue you if you don’t).

If you get into trouble, you can always be lifted to a hospital by helicopter. (Not if the area doesn’t have cell phone reception. Or if there’s severe weather conditions. Or in places where helicopters can’t reach you. If you’re hiking in South America, you will not have a helicopter to rescue you and emergencies must be handled by guides, porters, and other hikers. Some may not be able to speak English. And even if a helicopter rescue is possible, there’s still the matter of getting in touch with someone who can send it).

Space blankets are useless. (From Outdoor Life: “Those Mylar-coated emergency blankets certainly don’t look very warm. How on earth can something no thicker than a trash bag save your life? Well, though the aluminum coating on these blankets is very thin, it is thermal-reflective. In other words, it can redirect infrared energy, which means that it reflects heat. When you are getting cold due to shock or exposure, it’s because the heat you were radiating is lost to the air and not replaced. With a space blanket wrapped around you, however, the moisture in your clothes won’t evaporate {which causes cooling} and you won’t lose as much heat to the air moving around you {limiting convective heat loss}. So you will stay warm when you’re wrapped up in this sheet that looks like tin foil. And since these lifesaving blankets pack down so small and are so cheap, there’s no reason to run around in the bush without carrying a few of them.”)

You can depend on your cell phone to save you. (If you’re miles away from civilization, this might not be the case. Besides, batteries die, reception is spotty, and your phone isn’t invincible. You’re better off being appropriately prepared and letting people know where you’re going and when you’ll return. So if you don’t come back within a certain amount of time, that person can trigger a search and rescue operation for you).

Being able to survive in the wilderness takes a lot of skills and physical fitness. (This isn’t necessarily true because ordinary and unassuming men, women, and children can also survive and have as long as they have the will, the positive-realistic attitude, and the emotional resilience to endure. Also, it helps that you’re smart and use common sense as well as don’t get yourself in a deadly scenario).

Wearing wet clothes is better than no clothes at all. (From Survive All: “Water has a nasty habit of holding on to its temperature for long periods of time, so if you have just fallen through ice and you get out and keep your clothes on, all you are doing is keeping yourself cold. You are better off naked than in wet clothes.” Yeah, probably don’t want to risk getting hypothermia).

Wait a day or more to see if help arrives before starting anything. (Always plan if help isn’t coming though hope it does).

Dead or dormant poison ivy can’t hurt you. (From Backpacker: “Urushiol, the oil in poison ivy that prompts allergic reactions when in contact with skin, remains active for several years after the plant dies. Furthermore, the urushiol is not just in the leaves of the plant, but is also present in the roots and stems. So how do you pinpoint poison ivy when there are no leaves? Luckily, this toxic plant produces aerial roots, making the vines appear “hairy”—a handy sign for shoulder-season hikers.”)

Shelter:

Shelter means coverage. (Adequate shelter has very little to do with coverage and everything to do with protection from the elements. In a hot sunny climate, this means shade. In cold or temperate climate, this means warmth. Poorly built shacks with roofs and walls are a poor way to protect yourself from the cold. Making a small nest that insulates the ground and provides some wind protection vastly recommended before building a roof).

Lean-tos make great shelters. (Yes, they look cool and are easy, but it’s better to go with something that has 4 walls, a doorway, and a roof. And if it’s cold, try to insulate the ground before building a roof.)

During a thunderstorm, it’s best to seek shelter from lightning under a tree. (Since I was a kid, I knew hiding under a tree during a thunderstorm is just absolutely insane. Lightning is attracted to height, pointy objects, and isolation, which are often associated with trees. Also, unlike skyscrapers, towers, and other tall buildings, trees don’t have lightning rods. Best to seek shelter in a home or car. And if these aren’t options, crouch down on the balls of your feet. If you’re in a group do so at least 100 yards from the other members of your party to reduce the risk of being hit together, allowing the others to administer CPR if necessary. Lying flat on the ground might lower your profile even more but it increases your chance of picking up the ground current and it’s not advised).

Shelters should be built from dead materials. (From The Good Survivalist: “This one came from our friends in the ‘green’ survival movement. They are far more concerned that a few trees might get killed than they are about your life. All advice from them should be considered highly suspect. Imagine building your shelter as a big pile of dead leaves and wood. Now imagine having a campfire anywhere near that. Do you really want to climb in there and go to sleep? Nuff’ said.” Chopping down a few trees for a shelter the forest isn’t going to contribute to deforestation much).

Navigation:

You’ll never get lost with a GPS. (From Outdoor Life: “If you can afford one, you should always take a GPS unit with you into the backcountry. These high-tech navigational tools are easy to use, and more important, they always let you know where you are. But they aren’t a fail-safe against getting lost. If you misplace or break the unit, or your batteries die, you’d better have a map and compass (and the knowledge to use them) as a backup. Navigation isn’t just about knowing where you are; it’s about knowing which way to go as well.”)

Always walk your way to safety. (In some situations, conserving energy and hydrating might be your best bet like in the desert. It’s also best that you take 30 minute breaks to let the adrenaline flush out of your system so you can make decisions with a clear frame of mind as well as assess your injuries, which is often overlooked in survival manuals).

It’s always a good idea to climb a tree to look for the trail ahead. (From Getting Out Alive: “Although gaining a high vantage point can give you a better view of things ahead, climbing a tree is both exhausting and dangerous and is not worth the energy expenditure, nor the risk of injury.”)

As long as you can find North, you can navigate to safety. (From Getting Out Alive: “North is meaningless unless you know which direction you must travel to reach safety. Knowing where you are in relation to a safe destination is the only important issue.”)

Always hike through the night to avoid the heat during the day. (From Getting Out Alive: “In hot regions, use the morning hours for hiking, from just after daybreak until the heat comes up. Hunker down during the heat of the day, but do not travel through the night or you risk injury or becoming lost.”)

Always travel swiftly to get out of a survival situation as quickly as possible. (Travel cautiously and avoid injury at all cost. Because suffering an injury might be the very thing that kills you.)

Wildlife:

Holding a baby animal in front of its parents will not bring you any harm. Heck, the adult animals may even let you hold their cubs. (This was in Disney’s Pocahontas. Holding a baby animal in front of its parents will result in an emergency room visit or some time in the ICU if you’re lucky {assuming the animal is large enough like a deer or a bear}. Because doing so will lead its parents to perceive you as a threat and they will attack you. If you value your life, do not go anywhere near baby animals. If you see a helpless baby animal that’s alone for more than 24 hours, malnourished, or sick call animal control if you can. Else, just beat it and leave the animal alone. Sure it might fall prey to predators or the elements, but at least you’ll be alive. Note that what you see happen to Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant was not something most people survived without medical treatment. In fact, quite the contrary {though Leo’s case in that movie can be excused since the real Hugh Glass was attacked by a bear in the 1820s and did survive but it was through sheer dumb luck [because we do know he was killed by Native Americans in 1833]. And it’s unlikely that the bear attacked him that way since it would’ve paralyzed him. Still, while Fitzgerald and Bridger left Glass for dead, they did so because they were so convinced he wouldn’t survive}).

You can always count on the woodland creatures to help you when you’re stranded in the woods. (Sorry, but this isn’t Snow White for crying out loud. Seriously, the best way the woodland creatures could help you is by being your dinner).

Always punch an attacking shark in the nose. (Most people lack the upper body strength to strike a blow powerful enough to stun a shark, especially when punching in the water. Shark attack experts generally recommend clawing the shark in the gills and eyes instead. Because sharks will naturally try to protect their vision and respiration capabilities. A sharp blow or a scratch to either may be enough to scare a shark away. Sharks look for easy prey and most won’t risk safety for a quick meal.)

If a bear approaches you, just play dead. (Maybe if it’s a mother grizzly defending her cubs. But if it’s any other kind of bear {namely a black bear which you’re more likely to encounter in North America}, it might attack you anyway. Your best bet is making yourself look intimidating which can be accomplished by opening your jacket, spreading out your arms, and shouting. Hopefully the bear would be spooked and run away. Also avoid making eye contact with a grizzly or it might consider it a challenge).

When in contact with a bear, the best way to avoid an attack is to out run it. (If you run into a bear, don’t ever try to outrun it. Because you can’t. Bears run at 30mph which is faster than Usain Bolt. Yes, even he can’t outrun a bear, let alone you. Instead, stay where you are. If it’s a black bear, make yourself look big such as opening your coat, holding out your arms over your head, as well as shout and scream until it’s spooked and takes off. If it’s a grizzly, avoid eye contact and back away slowly. If it charges, stand your ground. If it makes physical contact, cover your vitals and play dead. Either way, bring bear or pepper spray).

If you come across a sick or injured animal, try to help it. (Stay the hell away from it or run like hell. Because sick and wounded animals can be very dangerous, especially if they have rabies. Besides, wounded animals can still attack you. Best to call animal control if you can).

Water is a good escape from a bee attack. (I’ve seen this a lot in movies, TV, and cartoons. Nevertheless, despite multiple accounts of people avoiding swarms doing so, they proved to be fruitless since the bees were there waiting when the people came up for air. Instead of running into the water, seek refuge in a car or building. If these options aren’t available, just keep running, especially through a brush or thicket. Bees have been known to pursue people for half a mile and the run will be worth a reprieve).

Wildlife is always your biggest problem. (As long as you don’t do anything to disturb or try to feed them, the animals will not bother you. You’re more likely to encounter a wild animal in more urbanized areas than in the woods. Then again, this might be relevant in Africa, but if your stranded in North America, wildlife is the least of your worries).

Immediately put up protection against animals like wolves. (The best you can protect yourself against an animal is to stay away from It and don’t do anything to piss them off. If you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you. Besides, predators like wolves are more interested in easy prey. A big fire is normally enough).

Bears are only active at dawn or dusk. (Bears can be active at any time of the day but are mostly out at dusk).

First Aid:

If you or your friend is bitten by a poisonous snake, cutting an “X” and orally sucking is advised. (Yes, this method was used by 19th century American pioneers which you see in westerns, where it would be appropriate. But like a lot of 19th century medical advice, this is idiotic and disgusting as well as medically worthless. What’s best advised is washing the wound, putting a bandage on it, and seeking medical attention immediately such as calling 911. Because sucking the venom poses a risk for both the victim and the person sucking the poison out {even if one’s careful not the swallow the envenomed blood}. And if there are sores on the mouth, the venom may likely end up in the sucker’s bloodstream. In addition, consider the pathogens present in a person’s mouth. Still, it’s better to prevent poisonous snake bites by simply not putting your hands or feet where you can’t see. Also a dead rattlesnake can still bite you long after it’s been squished on the highway since its bite reflex is still intact for several hours. In addition, out of the 5600 who get bitten by rattlesnakes in North America, only 5 or 6 died while 30% only experienced a dry bite, meaning there may not be poison in the bite at all).

If CPR doesn’t work, then it’s perfectly fine to strike random hammer fists to the center of a victim’s heart to restart the heart. (This is called a precordial thump, and it’s not a free beating, but a precisely aimed blow delivered by an expert in an attempt to interrupt a life-threatening rhythm if there’s no defibrillator available and can only be attempted once).

To treat frostbite, rub the frozen tissue with snow or immerse it in cold water. (Immerse the tissue in warm water but only when it’s certain the tissue won’t refreeze. Otherwise, doing so will only increase risk of permanent damage just like rubbing it with snow or immersing it in cold water would. You could also use painkillers if available).

If someone is suffering from hypothermia, it’s best that you throw them in hot water. (This would actually cause their core temperature to shoot right up, inviting the colder fluid from the extremities in. Such treatment would make the person even colder or worse mess up their heart. While alcohol can create a quick rush of warmth by dilating blood vessels, the same effect can cause a faster and very dangerous drop in temperature. Also keep in mind about causing excruciating pain or a heart attack. Better to put hot water bottles in both armpits or skin to skin rewarming).

Giving alcohol to someone suffering from hypothermia always keeps them warm. (Alcohol only gives you the illusion of warmth when you’re freezing but actually drops your core temperature. Might make you feel better for a few minutes even though it’s actually killing you faster).

If someone isn’t breathing or if there’s no pulse, slapping your unconscious buddy a couple of times after getting all angry and yelling at them will make them come around. (Best to move them to a place with cell phone reception and call 911).

Treat burns with butter or oil. (Butter or oil will worsen any burn from sunburn to 3rd degree and possibly get it infected. Skin that’s recently burned/still burning is 1st or 2nd degree (like sunburns, contact with a hot object, dropped cigarette on leg, etc.), immerse it in spray or spray it with cool water to stop ongoing damage. If it’s 3rd degree, then try to keep it cool and clean, but call 911 and wait for professionals to arrive rather than using cold running water).

Always remove impaling foreign objects from wounds. (Dr. McCoy does this to Spock in the new Star Trek movie even though he should’ve known better. From TV Tropes: “Generally they’ve smashed all the bits they’re going to smash, and are now acting as a plug on the wound – and an infection can be fought off with antibiotics at the hospital. Pull the plug, and you may be dead in minutes. Barbed weapons might tear more flesh and if they don’t, you’re unlikely to be able to pull it out at the exact angle it went in.” So if you’re in a wilderness area with cell phone reception, just call 911. If not, then get to one).

Bullets should always be removed from gunshot wounds. (Hunting seasons aside, getting shot in the wilderness isn’t very likely to happen in real life. But in movies and TV, you might see this a lot, especially in war or post-apocalypse movies. A bullet can remain undetected inside someone for years and not cause any problems. The only times when a bullet should be removed is if it’s still traveling in the body, its becoming dislodged can cause fatal injury {in which case the doctors want to remove it in a controlled environment rather than it becoming dislodged on its own at random}, or if it’s serving as a source of infection or immune reaction. This despite the fact that firing a bullet heats it to the point that most possibilities of infection would be gone. In fact, getting the bullet out is usually the last thing surgeons bother to do. Also consider the fact that Andrew Jackson was shot close to his heart and lived with that bullet in his chest for decades and he was around during the 19th century).

Is someone is bleeding, always use a tourniquet to stop it, such as from clothing. (This is a very bad idea. As TV Tropes put it, “In real life the clothing will probably stick to the drying blood, causing other problems later when real help arrives. If the tourniquet is left on the limb in question for too long, this will result in the limb becoming necrotic and falling off or getting Compartment Syndrome. This one is subject to a bit of Science Marches On as the US Army, who have been using makeshift tourniquets out of cravats and windlasses {basically bandannas and sticks} for decades, have shown that advances in combat medicine allow a limb to have a tourniquet applied and blood flow completely cut off for up to 2 hours without permanent damage and up to 4 hours while still keeping the limb. This has gained modern tourniquets such as the CAT {Combat Application Tourniquet} a place in the gear of most modern combat soldiers, and indeed, is the US Military’s preferred method of treatment for significant extremity hemorrhage and/or total limb amputation. The current consensus is that when used properly tourniquets work, but should only be used under specific circumstances by professionals unless the situation is that dire. ‘Dire’ in this case meaning that the person is almost certain to die from blood loss before any professional medical aid arrives on site, typically meaning a limb being fully severed.” You’re better off using plain old bandages.)

If someone has consumed something poisonous or infectious, induce vomiting. (If they aren’t already vomiting, just call 911 or get them to a hospital. And if they are, do the same. Supportive treatment begun early often does far more good than trying to purge the substance from the body. Also, in some cases a drug, alcohol, or other overdose can cause unconsciousness and someone vomiting can breathe in their own vomit, complicating potential survival with a nasty case of pneumonia or asphyxiation. You can also call the poison control hotline which can offer expert advice and specific instructions for the particular poison ingested {if known}. However, if these guys say to induce vomiting, this is a situational precaution and shouldn’t be attempted unless it’s known for certain that it’s the right thing to do).

Always give someone a laxative to someone experiencing unknown stomach or intestinal pain. (Laxatives are meant to treat constipation and should only be administered if there’s no lower abdominal pain worse than mild discomfort that has persisted no longer than a week and when the obstruction is only known to be poop. Otherwise, just call 911 and get them to a hospital if that option is available. If not, then just use a signal to get a rescue party, pronto. If they have appendicitis, giving a laxative can lead to a ruptured appendix, horrific peritonitis infection, and possibly death. If they have an immobile object, their entire large intestine, leading to almost to certain death).

Always take dressing off of bleeding wounds and apply new ones. (This is a bad idea since it doesn’t give the blood enough time to clot and possibly removes clots already formed. The correct course is to add new bandaging over that’s already soaked through as needed, and even if you wind up with a huge wad of bandaging that’s unruly, it’s still better than disrupting the clotting process).

Open wounds should immediately be closed in all cases. (Dr. McCoy does this to Spock in the new Star Trek movie, even though he knows this isn’t the best treatment for him {though neither was removing a metal object from him either}. Then you see Leo cauterize a neck wound in The Revenant which is pretty drastic as well as certainly not a safe and sanitary option {yet, since this movie takes place in the 1820s, it can be forgiven. But you shouldn’t try it}. Though to be fair, he didn’t have many options since the wound was close to Spock’s heart and he would’ve bled to death if he hadn’t. However, according to TV Tropes: “While most wounds get cleaned and immediately shut, deep wounds, especially infected ones, often stay open. Treatment of big abscesses or infected wounds often involves opening it, cleaning it and then leaving it open for a few days {with a bandage IN the wound to keep it open and a plaster over it to keep it clean and avoid fluids sipping out}. This allows the tissue to heal from bottom up and the doctors to check on the infection and keep it clean. Instantly sewing it shut would close the hole, inviting bacteria to create a new or even worse infection which could lead to a lethal sepsis {blood poisoning}.” So if you have deep wounds, best call 911 if you can).

Wounds should never get in contact with water unless it’s a burn. (Those who’ve had surgery usually find that saunas and swimming pools are forbidden but showering is okay as long as the wound itself isn’t covered in soap {run water is fine}. In many cases, washing the wound is often encouraged such as when there’s a risk for infection. Certain abscess cases even might involve the patient holding the shower head straight at the wound and using the water pressure to thoroughly clean it).

When someone goes into shock, assume the victim is fine if there’s no blood flowing or anything stuck in them. (From TV Tropes: “Anyone trained in first aid can tell you that shock {the body failing to circulate blood properly} is actually one of the more dangerous threats posed to almost any accident victim. Many cases of shock can stem from what amounts to the body creating errors while responding to stressful stimuli, which means that even a comparatively minor wound {such as a cut on the thumb} can throw a person into shock. Symptoms can be anything from anxiety and confusion to irregular pulse and blackouts, and it’s not unheard of for a patient who at first glance does not appear to have any life-threatening injuries to die from shock simply because the body unintentionally shut itself down. One of the best ways to prevent shock is to simply interact with the patient in a reassuring and calm tone, as well as keeping them warm and ensuring proper blood flow to the head and vital organs {usually achieved by propping up the legs}.”)

If someone is not breathing or there’s no process, provide mouth on mouth and compression CPR. (The purpose of CPR is to buy time until advanced help is available by circulating blood and preventing brain damage from lack of oxygen. And you’re not supposed to give up after a minute or 2 just because they haven’t started breathing on their own, but rather continue until advanced help gets there. It’s also expected for the victim’s ribs to get broken during CPR, something that almost never happens on TV. Still, CPR rarely results in a full recovery and if the person’s heart and breathing have actually stopped to the point of needing it, chances of recovery at all is usually less than 10%. Even if the proper medical care can be brought in time to keep them from outright dying, such patients generally die within 1-2 years. Also, there’s a large chance of permanent brain damage. Not only that, but remember that CPR alone does not revive someone. And do not attempt to do CPR if someone collapses from cyanide poisoning because doing so will end up killing you).

Booze always makes a great wound disinfectant and anesthetic. (Well, rubbing alcohol is great as a disinfectant. But other than that, this advice belongs in the 19th century).

Booze is always great to have when it comes to surviving in the desert. (Sorry but booze can cause dehydration).

Hypothermia only happens in cold climates. (It can happen in wet environments as well as at higher elevations. So stay dry and warm in order to prevent your temperature from dropping to dangerous levels).

Don’t feed a victim of hypothermia. (From Outdoor Life: “Normal shock treatment and hypothermia treatment are different—you don’t, for example, want to feed someone who may be going into shock because he can vomit and choke while unconscious. However, in mild to moderate hypothermia cases, high-calorie foods can be given in small, repeated doses to create metabolic heat in the victim and help him restore his own heat-generating ability.” Unfortunately, shock treatment and hypothermia treatment are practically indistinguishable in Hollywood).

Let a hypothermia victim get some sleep. (From Outdoor Life: “After the shivering, confusion, slurred speech, and clumsiness of hypothermia have manifested, an exposure victim also gets drowsy. This is a serious warning sign because sleep can lead to death. Keep the victim awake as you warm him up.”)

Always use fire to remove an embedded tick. (Since ticks cause frustrating and debilitating illnesses like Lyme disease, there’s a lot of confusion to approach this. The medical community currently advocates taking fine tipped tweezers and gently pulling the tick out by the mouth, which helps avoid releasing as much infected fluid as possible. Grabbing the tick by the body only leads to a higher risk while smothering or applying fire should be avoided as well because these tactics cause infection. After the tick’s removed, wash hands and wound thoroughly after the tick has been removed).

If you suffered a sprained ankle, best to apply warmth immediately. (From Trails.com: “How to treat a badly sprained ankle, which for a hiker or backpacker can be a serious situation when out in the wilderness, has always been subject to myth, with a large portion of the population thinking that warmth should immediately be applied. However, the opposite is true since heat will make the swelling and pain increase and slow down the healing process. If you spend time on trails and out camping, remember the acronym RICE. This stands for Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation. The ankle should be quickly rested and iced if possible or soaked in cold water from a stream. Even snow can be used as a substitute for ice. Ice the ankle for 20 minutes to half an hour and then put a compression bandage such as an elastic wrap on it to give it support. Elevate the affected foot. Repeat this procedure up to four or five times a day until the swelling goes down.”

Water:

If you run out of water, drinking your own pee will keep you hydrated. (From The Clymb: “Your pee probably won’t kill you, but depending on your location, it might do more harm than good. If you are dehydrated in an extremely hot environment, drinking your urine will put unnecessary stress on your kid­neys, which in turn puts unnecessary stress on your body and leads to more overheating. Drink­ing urine is an acceptable short-term solution to dehydration in cooler climates, but is not the best idea in a heatstroke situation. In cases of dehydration com­bined with heat stroke, using the urine to soak a small bandana for evaporative cooling may be more effective.”)

Boiled water is always 100% safe to drink. (While boiling water can kill organisms and germs, it will not clean harmful particulates from it. For instance, no matter how long you boil chemically contaminated water, it won’t be safe to drink. Same goes with stagnant dirty water, too. And there’s a good chance the water you get will have dirt in it so it’s best to filter it out through a clean fabric or leave it to stand until the sediments sink to the water first. And then boil it preferably at 212 degrees Fahrenheit for a minute so the little microbes could die).

You can follow flying birds to find water. (From Outdoor Life: “While some aquatic birds rarely leave the water’s edge, others roam far and wide for food. It’s been said that geese fly toward water at dusk, but this isn’t always the case. They could simply be flying toward a known clearing to spend the night. Since we have no way of knowing a bird’s plans for the evening, we can’t rely on it to lead us anywhere.”)

Drink raw blood to survive and keep hydrated. (From Outdoor Life: “Sure, there’s water in blood. And some of the traditional cattle cultures of Africa still consume cattle blood with milk, but this is done for protein and minerals rather than hydration. While the consumption of animal blood has helped to keep survivors alive, the risk may not justify the gain. Drinking raw blood could mean you’re consuming pathogens.”)

You can keep hydrated by sucking from a stone. (From Outdoor Life: “This old survival trick has been practiced across the globe. The idea is that sucking on a stone causes saliva to flow. Obviously, you’re not sucking water from the stone, so there is no real gain. Most calamitously, you could even suck on the stone too hard and inhale it, which could cause you to choke.”)

Running water is safe to drink. (From Survival Cache: “Don’t count on it. Remember it came from somewhere and the source or what it came in contact survival water with between the source and reaching your location could be suspect. Typically if you have to choose between running water and stagnate water always default to the former but make sure you also treat and purify the water before you consume it.”)

Drinking saltwater in small amounts is safe. (Drinking saltwater in any amount will lead to further dehydration and death more quickly than if you went without water at all. However, you can use saltwater to cool your body. But drink it, never).

Water found in natural depressions is safe to drink. (It has all the risks associated with stagnate groundwater and run off. So it should be treated before drinking).

Never drink the water. (Because water is an important resource if you want to survive, it’s best you drink it. But please filter and purify it before you do so. Yet, if you don’t treat it, it’s likely you’ll be rescued before it becomes anything serious. So it’s better to offset dehydration with germ filled water than to take no water at all. Doctors can fix illnesses but they can’t fix death).

Only standing water is dangerous. (With running water, it’s best you know what the source is before you drink it. Because even that can be dangerous. But filter and purify it first).

Food:

You can survive in the wilderness by eating raw meat or fish. (Leo DiCaprio eats raw fish and buffalo does this in The Revenant. To be fair, the real Hugh Glass lived during the 1820s when most people didn’t know anything about germs so his actions could be forgiven. However, most of the time eating raw meat and fish, is generally not advised due to high risk of pathogens that could cause foodborne illness. Now there are some raw fish that are safe for consumption but they mostly come from saltwater environments and contain pathogens not compatible with the human body. Not only that, Glass eats from a buffalo that’s already been cut open so how long the animal is dead is a big concern here. Still, when it comes to meat consumption, always kill and cook it before eating it).

Always look for food first. (While starvation can certainly kill, it’s said humans can live up for 6 weeks before starving to death. That’s plenty of time for someone to figure out to missing and find you so you’ll probably be rescued before you starve. Injury, illness, poisoning, or exposure are much more likely to result in death than starvation. Besides, hunting and trapping prey are hit and miss activities, often producing nothing and simply end up expending energy and risking injury or illness. Instead, water, warmth, and protection should be top priorities as well as conserving energy and avoiding injury. Then again, people in movies and TV usually tend to be in significantly more dire circumstances than most modern day folks in their lives. So them finding food is more understandable because it’s part of a long term survival strategy. Fiction survival stories rarely ever pertain to short-term situations).

Plants are a good source of food in a survival situation. (Unless you have an edible wild plant guide with you, are a botanist, or know the Universal Edibility Test, only eat the ones you’re already familiar with. Else, you could end up like Foxface in The Hunger Games. If you need to find food, it’s safer to stick with eating mammals, freshwater fish, birds, or insects. Besides, there are a lot of deadly plants out there and those considered safe to eat don’t provide a lot of calories or nutrients anyway. As for wild mushrooms, for the love of God, don’t even think about it. So for all you vegetarians and vegans out there, if you find yourself stranded, your best solution is to eat meat or die).

You can quickly hunt and fish for food where game is plentiful. (As someone who’s been raised watching nature shows, I know for a fact that this isn’t true for a lot of predatory animals. And they go for days without getting a meal, even the babies. Even with the best fishing gear and hunting equipment, hunting and fishing still takes patience, practice, and experience. Under survival conditions when you’re not at your best, these meals may never arrive. Also, hunting might make you more prone to serious injury or get you killed. Your best bet is to set many simple deadfall traps, snares, and shallow fish containment pens to hopefully catch yourself a meal while you tend to other immediate matters like securing safe drinking water).

You could eat anything animals eat. (Despite our shared biology thanks to evolution, there’s still a massive difference between humans and other animals. Some animals might eat plants that are safe for human consumption, yet these same critters could eat plants that are dangerous to us. Birds eat a variety of berries, many of which could either nourish or kill us. Even mammals like squirrels who normally eat nuts perfectly safe for human cuisine, can munch on mushrooms and nuts that are toxic to humans. So just because an animal can eat it, doesn’t mean you can. This is especially if it’s poison ivy, which many animals do eat).

Black and blue berries are never poisonous. (Most black and blue berries aren’t poisonous but if you can’t positively identify a berry, don’t eat it. For instance, pokeberries and Virginia Creeper berries are lethal. Foxface learned the hard way when she ingested the Nightlock. And Peeta almost made the same mistake until Katniss told him that they were poisonous).

Fire:

Always stock up on matches. (Lighters are smaller, cheaper, and save more space than matches, taking long term costs to account. Besides, if you’re worried about your lighter getting wet, just get a magnesium fire starter. Seriously, you don’t want to end up with the two match situation like Rambo).

Anyone could start a fire by rubbing 2 sticks or striking 2 stones together. (Relying solely on friction to start a fire will not help you in areas with high humidity. Even under the best conditions, friction fire making is a challenge that take patience, practice, as well as luck, and is not reliable for most people. One guy who had 50 years experience in this technique, said it took him a day and a half to do this by sticks. As for stones, well, this only works with flint or quartz as well as need to create a groove in the one you’re holding still. Most experts recommend carrying at least 3 firestarters like storm-proof matches, spark rod, and lighter at all times).

Making a fire should be a top priority. (Yes, fire is important but there are few situations it would take precedence over shelter).

Build a fire in a cave for warmth. (Heat causes rock expansion. Rock expansion leads to breakage. When rocks break overhead in a cave, it’s cave-in. So lighting a cave fire is not a good idea. Rather make a fire outside the cave).

Big fires always beat shelter. (From Outdoor Life: “Large-log fires have kept people alive in the cold, but that doesn’t mean you can afford to skip building a shelter. What if it rains or becomes really windy? You never want to sleep out in the open if you can help it. Take the time to build a shelter. It will pay you back every time.”)

Use a thumbnail to test wood. (From Outdoor Life: “You may have heard that if you can dent a piece of wood with your thumbnail, the wood is suitable for starting a friction fire. This myth just won’t seem to go away, but it doesn’t hold up. Some denser woods are fine for friction fires, and are some softer woods don’t work at all. When the thumbnail test works, it isn’t an affirmation­—it’s a coincidence.”)

Nose grease is the perfect fire starter. (From Outdoor Life: “Is there enough oil on the side of your nose to lubricate the top of a bow-drill spindle? I don’t know about you, but I was never that greasy, even as a teenager. Furthermore, when you’re trying to build a friction fire, you’ll produce more sweat than grease on your face, and sweat doesn’t help.”)

Hardwood is best for friction fires. (From Outdoor Life: “Just because oak is a great firewood doesn’t mean it works for friction fire. Oak’s ignition temperature and density are not useful in friction-fire drills or boards. Instead, use soft woods that are non-resinous. Cedar, basswood, willow, and cottonwood will serve you much better than oak or other typical firewoods.”)

Wet matches work when dried. (From Outdoor Life: “Nope. The chemicals in match heads are very vulnerable to moisture. On typical safety matches, the package will have a striking surface that is made from a gritty material such as powdered glass mixed with phosphorus. The head of the match is similarly made with grit, but it also contains sulfur and an oxidizer. When you strike a match, the friction of the glass powder grinding together creates a small amount of heat. This warmth converts the phosphorus into white phosphorus, which begins to catch fire. If match heads are exposed to enough moisture, the careful chemical balance is changed and they simply won’t light. Invest in some waterproof matches if you’re heading someplace wet. Or keep your matches in a waterproof container.”)

Use an 8-sided bow drill to start a fire. (From Outdoor Life: “At some point, using an octagonal drill became popular. The conceit is that the edges help the drill grip the bow string in more places, resulting in more friction. But these sharp edges end up shredding the cord and causing it to vibrate horribly, while failing to grip the string any better than a round drill would.”)

Breaking a flashlight bulb and using the coil is a great way to start a fire. (From The Good Survivalist: “This is a method I’ve seen by which you can break the bulb of your flashlight, and then use the coil inside to light a fire. Simply put… give it a shot in your backyard and you’ll find that it’s great at destroying flashlights but terrible at actually starting fires! Recommendation… bring a lighter, and use your flashlight for… LIGHT!”)

Sitting by the fire is the best way to dry your clothes. (From Getting Out Alive: “Wet clothing literally sucks the warmth out of your body, so get out of the wet things and cover up with something dry while you dry your clothing by the fire.”)

Lakes, Rivers, and Other Bodies of Water:

Always swim parallel to the shore in a rip current. (From The Clymb: “Swimming parallel to the shore is a good way to escape a rip current that pulls straight out. Unfortunately, not all rip currents flow directly out to sea. In a longshore rip current, or a diagonal rip current, swimming parallel to the shore could tire a distressed swimmer to the point of drowning. Instead, if caught in a rip, swim perpendicular to the flow of the rip in the same direc­tion as the prevailing wind or prevailing ocean current. If at any point you feel like you are swimming upstream, you’re doing it wrong. Like all survival situations, avoiding fatigue and making calm, rational decisions increases your chance of survival.”)

If you’re lost the best thing to is to follow a river or stream to find civilization. (The best thing to do if you’re lost is to stay where you are unless necessary. From Survive All: “While a river can lead to human life, it can sometimes take weeks or more to get there, while meanwhile you are completely invading a search squad trying to find you. Survival on the go is also much harder then stationary survival; you tend to spend too much time traveling than working to survive. Stay in one spot, survive, wait for help to arrive.” Getting Out Alive adds: “Some waterways run their course for hundreds of miles without bumping into civilization, especially in the wilder parts of the world. And following a stream can sometimes be exceedingly difficult and dangerous.”)

Take off your boots before crossing a river, stream or lake so they won’t weigh you down. (From Getting Out Alive: “The greater risk is that of suffering injury to your feet while crossing a body of water. Keep boots on to protect feet, ‘cause you’ll need them to continue your trek.”)

Forest Areas:

If you’re lost in the woods, look for moss on trees as it only grows on the north side. (If you’re lost in the woods, your best bet is following signs of previous human activity {assuming that you don’t have a cell phone, GPS, or a compass on you first. Or if there’s no park or forest ranger around. Or if you don’t have any electronic equipment on you at any time}. If there are no footprints, then staying where you are and sending a signal is a sensible option as well like building a fire, using a whistle, signal fire, or beacon. You could even go to the closest place where there’s light like near a body of water. Using the sunshine as a way to find the direction is a good idea as well. As for the moss part, though it does grow better on the north side, it can grow on any side if the tree’s shaded or near water. So it’s not true. Following the myth could send you in the wrong direction or make you more lost. Field and Stream says that Aspens that exude a powdery natural sunscreen that will whiten your palms are a better indicator as well).

Desert:

If you’re dying of thirst in the desert, ingesting cactus is always the best solution. (From The Clymb: “So your car broke down in the desert. It’s miles to the nearest gas station. Your cell phone doesn’t have reception. You don’t have any water in your car. There’s no one around, and you are very, very thirsty. Now you chance upon a cactus. I’m saved, you think. I’ll just lop the top off this here prickly pear and go to town. Not so fast, partner. The liquid inside a cactus isn’t pure water and is actually a highly alkaline, noxious fluid. Chances are, if you drink from a cactus you will get very sick, and vomiting is one way to ensure you dehydrate faster. You can drink from a barrel cactus, but only one specific type, and unless you’re extremely into cacti botany, you’re better off conserving your energy or seeking out a purer water source.” It’s more recommended that walking downhill until you find wash and following it downstream until you find some areas where the water might’ve gathered. Still, don’t forget to purify it).

The first thing to do in the desert is to find water, even in the afternoon. (You’ve probably seen the guy on his knees crawling through the desert in the hot sun struggling to find water or die of thirst. However, that guy is an idiot and is likely to die within a few hours in real life. Trying to find water in the desert will just tax your body to the limits, especially during the afternoon heat. Your best strategy to survive in the desert is holing up in the shade. If you do run out of water, find a north facing boulder or canyon, sit in its shade, keep covered to prevent evaporative sweat loss, stay off hot ground by sitting on your pack or a pile of debris, and only move around during the cooler hours of the morning or evening. It also helps if there are wildlife and vegetation nearby like trees. And sometimes dry river beds may have water below the surface, so you might to check for moisture there, too. So if you need water, better search for it when the temperature drops. Besides, you’ll be rescued if you told someone where you’re going to be anyway).

Always ration your water in the desert. (From The Clymb: “Rationing your water or food is great and all, but if you are on the verge of death today, having water three days from now isn’t going to provide much help. People can survive for over two days without water in one hundred degree heat. The most important survival technique in this instance is to remember to avoid unnecessary exertion. Finding shade, drinking until you are reasonably hydrated (clearish urine), and reserving physical exer­tion for night hours are the most effective ways of staving off dehydration and heat stroke. Rationing water while running around in the heat is often more dangerous than laying low and hydrating as much as possible.” So while you certainly should ration water in the desert, you should try to conserve water you already have inside your body by laying low in the shade instead of venturing out in the hot sun during the afternoon. But if you’re on the verge of heat exhaustion or dying of thirst, drink up now in the shade because your body doesn’t care if you get thirsty later. Rationing water and pushing on in the hot sun will only help to cause heat stroke, which as killed people before running out of water has).

Use a solar still to get drinking water in the desert. (Building a solar still consists of digging a hole in the ground, placing a container in the middle, covering the hole with clear plastic, and weighing the plastic down in the middle so the so the condensation drips into the container. Yes, this is a good idea, assuming that the location in question has a higher humidity content as well as groundwater. You will not find either in the desert. You’ll sweat more than you get if you build one of these things there).

Cold Times and Climates:

It’s easy to survive from hypothermia after being carried down a freezing river, sometimes after being submerged. (Sorry, but while Hugh Glass did survive a bear mauling {which happened in May 1823, not in the winter}, he would most surely die from hypothermia after being carried off in that freezing stream).

If it’s very cold, move to higher ground. (Yes, warm air rises while cold air sets is consistent with thermodynamics. Creek bottoms and hollows are cold air sinks. However, unless you’re in either, moving to higher ground when it’s cold goes against what anyone would learn in basic geology. Higher elevation areas generally tend to be colder if you account for the wind chill factor. Hell, you don’t even need to know about the wind chill factor to figure this out. A picture depicting a snow capped mountain in spring should make it obvious to anybody. Besides, heat from fire will be carried away faster the higher you are. So if it’s cold, best to stay low unless there’s a flood).

If it’s available, consume snow and ice for hydration. (Yes, snow and ice is made from water. But doing so will lower your body temperature which can lead to hypothermia and waste energy. Best you melt it and let it cool to a moderate temperature before drinking it).

All base layers work equally well in cold weather. (From Outdoor Life: “Not true. Cotton kills—or, at least, could lead to hypothermia if you rely on it as your primary base layer in cold weather. It’s a great fabric to wear around the house, and it has great applications in hot, dry climates. But once cotton gets wet, it loses its insulating properties. Before you even break a sweat, normal skin moisture will soak into the cotton fibers and start to cool your body through conduction. These fibers can hold up to 27 times their weight in water and then store that moisture up to eight times longer than synthetics or wool. This doesn’t just leave you feeling clammy—it steals vital heat from your core. If it’s cold enough for long johns, then it’s too cold for cotton.”)

Always try to dig yourself out of an avalanche. (Unless you’re only partially buried from the waist down, you will not be able to do so. Because being overtaken by a tumbling slab of snow is like being entombed in concrete, you can’t freaking move. Struggling to get free will only expedite the threat of asphyxiation. But if the snow is still moving, swim out of it facing downhill and try to create an air pocket by placing your hands and arms in front of your face while you work to get out. Still, you should always travel into avalanche country with a partner as well as have search beacons, probes, and shovels handy. The group involved should never be on the same avalanche prone slope at the same time because if everyone gets caught, there will be no one left to attempt a rescue. Also, take an avalanche safety course before going there so you can learn how to avoid triggering slides as well as what to do if you or your friends are caught in one).

Urban Disaster Scenarios:

In the event of a major disaster or war, flee the city and live off the land. (This might not be the best answer or even possible {for instance, had Adrien Brody’s character tried to do this in The Pianist instead of going into hiding, he would’ve been shot, blown up, or carted off to a Nazi death camp}. Sure surviving in the wilderness may be possible but most people have no idea how difficult it would be. This would mean having to hunt from sunup to sundown, sometimes into the night to find enough food so you’d have the energy to do it the next day. Only a good size group of experienced farmers and hunters would make it while most humans would slowly starve to death. If you have to leave, do it during an evacuation).

Urban survival is the same as wilderness survival. (Urban survival focuses more on safety and surveillance than hunting and camping. Special items in the former pack include pry bars and destruction tools, serpentine belt and fix-a-flat, bolt cutters, city maps, knee pads and gloves, dust or gas masks, crank or solar radio, monoculars, lock-picking kit, and assortment of weapons and self-defense tools).

If people remain in the city when the shit hits the fan, they will die either through starvation or killing each other. (Yes, people in the city are in more danger from war and terrorism. But it’s better if people band together to defend their area until order is restored. Whereas people in the country would be more in danger from criminals, looking for easy, isolated targets. They’ll also be the last to get supplies when trucks start moving again. Besides, many cities in Europe, China, Russia, and Japan had the living shit bombed out of them during WWII while their inhabitants still stayed despite the hell they’ve been through).

After the shit hits the fan in a city, it’s every man for himself. (While the media does tend to focus on looters and rioters after a disaster like Hurricane Katrina, it has more to do with ratings than anything. Hollywood also tends to portray survivalists as lone nuts who live in the country and shoot anyone who approaches their homestead. In reality, criminals only represent a very small portion of the population. Besides, most people tend to rely one another as well as work together to survive. WWII is a good example of this, particularly if you’re talking about the 1940 British Blitz).

It doesn’t hurt to brag about your preparations. (From Survival Expertise: “Sometimes this is hard to resist. You spend a lot of time thinking about prepping, saving up, looking for good deals, gathering supplies, etc., and it’s hard not to be proud of your efforts. And what do we do when we’re proud of something? We tell people about it. But in this case, you must only tell people you trust completely. Otherwise, someone somewhere is liable to say, ‘Hey, remember such-and-such from work who has food and supplies stockpiled? Let’s find out where he/she lives.’ Hunger can turn people into animals. If they are desperate enough, they will do anything to get your food.”)

Tap water is always safe after a natural disaster or war. (Tap water can become unsafe after natural disasters or in a combat zone when pipes are damaged and contaminants leak into them. So it’s better to purify it).

Always shoot looters on sight. (You see this a lot in movies. From Survival Expertise: “We’ve all seen thoselooters will be shot signs, but there are three reasons why this is a bad idea: 1) It advertises the fact that you have guns. If they see this, they may try to sneak in and ambush you. 2) If you shoot at them, they might shoot back. A few supplies aren’t worth your life. 3) After law and order is restored, you could be charged with murder. In fact, lawyers could use your sign to claim premeditation. Now to be clear, I’m not saying you shouldn’t defend yourself with guns. I’m saying you should wait until someone is actually attacking you. Shooting looters on sight is not self defense.”)

Professors, due to parental complaints which should remain nameless, I think the time has come that we put in some accountability system in place through introducing teacher evaluations. You shall receive yours through owl post which contains both my positive and negative observations as well as areas for improvement. Any questions, comments, and concerns, send an owl to my office. Teachers in previous years would be accounted for as well because our standards have really gone down when you have to hire a new Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor every year. It’s a real pain in the ass. As Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I take teacher accountability very serious, well, most of the time. Let’s please make this school a safe and quality learning environment for our students.

Rubeus Hagrid

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures

Pro: Expertise in handling magical creatures makes him uniquely qualified for the position. Demonstrates better personal safety than his predecessor (who retired to spend time with his remaining limbs). Hippogriff lesson was a great example of how students shouldn’t be cocky to animals. Also, does it on a gamekeeper’s salary which works for our budget.

Con: Does not speak in clear or understandable English. Cries, a lot. Has spent considerable time away from class. Once walked off to the Forbidden Forest for most of the lesson and returned with a black eye which went completely unexplained. Had students buy books that will attack them. Hippogriff incident resulted in a student being attacked as well as a huge mess on our hands (since the boy’s dad was a school board member). Can’t be trusted with a secret. Doesn’t know how to spell. Has a preference for very dangerous creatures, which he considers “cute” and tends to put their well-being over other people’s safety. Often puts students in harm’s way in his lessons plans (making our school prone to lawsuits). Then there’s the issue of him being expelled in his 3rd year (though we know the truth behind that). Sometimes even the students who like him best couldn’t be in the class longer than necessary.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Don’t make students buy books that would attack them. Don’t let students fly around unsupervised on hippogriffs. Restrict your curriculum to creatures you know how to care for. Or better yet, anything that’s not a walking death trap. Also if a student is being rude, just send them to the office (though to be fair, the boy did have it coming).

Grade: C, not the worst person for the job but there’s plenty of room for improvement.

Cuthbert Binns

Department: History of Magic

Pro: Knows how to make an entrance such as through the blackboard. Also, keeping him around as a ghost teacher saves money on hiring as well as faculty room and board costs.

Con: His Chamber of Secrets lesson was perhaps the only time students were known to stay awake for, which he insists can’t possibly be real. Has a reputation for being notoriously boring that most of his students fall asleep 5 minutes into class, which he doesn’t address in any way. Doesn’t help that students don’t really pay attention to his class very much. Seems surprised and irritated when asked a history related question. Does not know any of his students’ names, even those he’s known for years. May not be aware that he’s been dead for years. Might’ve failed to evacuate classroom during fire and possibly slept through the deaths of several students. Is so absent-minded that he’s amazed to find his class full of students.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Either try being livelier or move on, as in beyond the veil. Also, you should know there is more to history than just the Goblin Wars. In addition, I would recommend you take a course in fire safety if that’s possible.

Grade: D-, you should’ve been fired a long time ago, whenever that was. Not I’m not sure if that’s possible since having you around does save a ton of money not having to pay for a history teacher.

Severus Snape

Department: Potions/Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is a wizarding genius who’s well-versed in all magical subjects. Demonstrates exemplary loyalty to this institution, making him well suited for performing tasks well beyond any wizard’s call of duty. Has people’s best interests at heart and can be the kind of guy you’d need on your side to win in a fight. Has shown to be quite protective toward students at times, including ones he’s known openly resent.

Con: Has a shady past which doesn’t endear him to his colleagues who just don’t understand his intentions (though he was right to keep some details confidential). Doesn’t really care enough about his students to teach them properly (though some students have done well when not under his observation. So he can be a damn good teacher when he wants to be). Has a reputation for showing favoritism to some of his Slytherin students while berating, insulting, threatening, and humiliating kids he doesn’t like which sometimes hinders their education. One case in particular revolved around a Gryffindor boy because his mom rejected him in favor of a guy who bullied him in school (with the boy not knowing the full story until years later). Subjected the boy in question to read various school reports about his dad’s days as a troublemaker as a punishment. Another has him refusing to call on a female student despite her hand being raised but took points away from Gryffindor due to her being “an insufferable know-it-all.” Reduced a second boy to an occasional nervous wreck for a few years. Has not only ignored bullying, but also actively encouraged it. Can’t seem to let go of his grudges toward boyhood enemies and move on with his life. Despite stoic demeanor, can get angry with the drop of a hat. “Accidentally” outed a colleague as a werewolf out of spite in an attempt to get him fired. Though he had a rather rough life, he shows very little compassion and understanding for other people’s suffering or any capability to see things differently.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Understand that you can’t take points away from a house just because a girl raised her hand for some time. Sure she may be an “insufferable know-it-all” but that’s not how the point system works. Treat all students with respect and be nice to them, no matter how much you wanted to bang their mom or how much their dad was a dick. Maybe cool down in the staff lounge between periods or perhaps attend an anger management class hosted by the Room or Requirement. Don’t take your bitterness on your students about being denied a DADA position each year, your miserable childhood, or inadvertently causing the death of your true love. Your classroom is not the place for it.

Grade: B+, you can be a great teacher if you just try to improve your personality or at least find a way to let go of your past. I can recommend a great therapist you can visit during the summer. Also, try to make an effort to improve your social skills.

Sibyl Trelawney

Department: Divination

Pro: Can actually predict the future and was eventually proven to be right much of the time (especially that one time). Then again, predicting the future is a tricky thing.

Con: Fancies herself as a great seer “possessed of the Inner Eye” though is often seen as a fraud who makes up nonsensical prophecies on the spot whether she’s right or not. Is so overly weird that students don’t take her seriously. May not actually know how predictions work or may give the wrong interpretations. At any rate, something’s not right with her. Insists students buy a Divination textbook despite thinking that books are useless. Classroom is almost always filled with smoke. Drinks a lot. Has a tendency to predict deaths of students at least once a year, including one who watched his own parents die. Best student in the history of this school left mid-class and never returned.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: If you’re not using textbooks don’t insist students to buy them. Keep the death predictions to yourself since these are children. Also, it would be best to give a little more clarity on predicting the future since your prophecies may come true but not in the way you interpret them. Put more focus and organization in your lessons.

Grade: C-, we might need to bring in someone to help you with your course load. He’ll only be half horse. Understand? Because if I didn’t keep you here for your personal safety (due to your one major prophecy), I would’ve sent you packing on the spot.

Minerva McGonagall

Department: Transfiguration

Pro: She is an exceptional and powerful witch in her field as well as a stern but fair teacher. Takes no crap from anyone and is very protective of her students for whom she’s willing to fight to the death for. But is also kindly and is seen by her students as very trustworthy as well as inspires the utmost respect. Never afraid to speak her mind and is supportive to colleagues. Is always the one teacher students go to for help even though she’d scold them since she’ll assist them whenever they need it. High expectations and project-based approach allow students to try and make mistakes in their learning.

Con: Her love of Quidditch might soften her disciplinarian skills occasionally. Or when it comes to students tormenting a teacher she simply doesn’t respect. Does not like dirty cowards. Also does not take it well when Slytherin wins the Quidditch Cup.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: There’s very little to say here.

Grade: A+, you’re the best teacher at this school.

Pomona Sprout

Department: Herbology

Pro: Doesn’t mind getting dirty when dealing with dangerous plants. Is cheerful and fair to her students. Can handle tough and dangerous situations without much fuss. Teaching environment can make even the most shy students shine by putting them at ease while challenging them to do their best.

Con: Has been known to track mud in the Great Hall.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: When it comes to the growing mandrakes, may I suggest buying some Muggle noise blocking headphones? Or magically noise blocking earmuffs? Also, clean yourself up before you enter into the Great Hall.

Grade: A, your mandrake were a great asset to us during the Chamber of Secrets incident.

Gilderoy Lockhart

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: He’s written a lot of books on Defense Against the Dark Arts as well as facing against dangerous creatures and is quite charming. Girls seem to like him.

Con: Doesn’t live up to this hype once in the classroom. Students have found him incompetent and untalented as well as vain and egotistical. Is later exposed as a fraud as well as stealing stories from others before subjecting them to memory charms. Despite being DADA teacher, has proven to be utterly useless during the Chamber of Secrets crisis and is willing to let a student die to save his own skin. Hell, he even deboned a student’s broken arm after a Quidditch accident as well as ran out of the classroom during a pixie infestation. Colleagues unanimously detest him as well as students who can see past his foppish good looks. Even attempted to erase two students’ memories.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: How about actually studying Defense Against the Dark Arts before deciding to teach them. Also, don’t try to use students to enhance your own vanity. And stay away from broken wands. And please, don’t attempt to use magic to heal a student’s injuries, that’s Madam Pomphrey’s job and she hates you.

Grade: F, then again this job didn’t have many takers. Besides, I knew he was a fraud when I hired him because I knew some of his victims personally. I only invited him to teach just to expose him and he only took the job because Harry Potter was a student there. So having the chance to “train” another celebrity was an offer he couldn’t refuse.Luckily, since you fell on your own sword, I didn’t have to fire you. Enjoy your stay at St. Mungo’s indefinitely.

Dolores Umbridge

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: The Ministry of Magic certainly thinks very highly of her and seems to boast a great resume. Her office seems rather well decorated. Acts like a kindly old aunt or grandmother.

Con: Her persona is only a thin veneer covering government corruption at its worst. Once at Hogwarts, she wasted no time turning the school into her own personal fiefdom and running it as a sugar-coated dictator. Forces tyrannical laws on the school to get her own way. Feels that she’s always right and wants her students to just shut up and agree with her. Has been shown to be very abusive toward any student who disagree with her even in the classroom. Speaks to students in a very condescending tone as she views them as her inferiors. Her detentions consist of them writing a sentence several times in their own blood with quills that cut into skin on the backs of their hands. In fact, she relishes in torture. Was so useless teaching her designated subject that students formed their own DADA class in the Room of Requirement as Dumbledore’s Army. Frequently interrupts people with a fake cough. Had Trelawney dismissed from her job without my authorization and later deposed and replaced me as headmaster. There she formed a Inquistorial Squad of Slytherin students as well as used the House Cup Competiton to encourage pupils to report on others. Other than that, almost all school order went to hell since most faculty and staff hated her so much. Has a hatred for centaurs, giants, Muggles, Muggle-borns, half-bloods, and others. Hates children, too. Is willing to condemn a student in the face of all justice and logic, even if it means him using underage magic in a situation she clearly set up in an attempt to silence him on a traumatizing incident he personally witnessed. Participated in an unprovoked attack on two teachers which left one of them in need of serious medical attention. Loves to inflict pain and misery on everyone she can. Has a staggering lack of empathy for victims of her cruelty. Used an Unforgivable curse on one of her students as well as threatened to use Veritiserum as well. Is utterly useless against a herd of centaurs. Is almost universally hated by both students and staff. Shows signs of being a sociopath and a sadist.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Sorry, but I highly recommend that you don’t torture the students. Also, don’t assume that your students are lying, especially if they know more about DADA and Lord Voldemort than you. Don’t anger centaurs.

Grade: F, if Cornelius Fudge didn’t make me hire her, I would’ve never had her at this school in the first place.

Alastor “Mad Eye” Moody

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is a retired Auror and a good friend of mine so his qualifications are without question and he’s a man I can trust with students despite his eccentricities like his rampant paranoia. Expert in Charms, Transfiguration, Defensive Magic, Herbology, and Potions. Takes no slack from whiners but has a soft side as well as impresses those in his charge. Did a good demonstration on the Unforgivable Curses.

Con: Subscribes to the idea that once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater. Has a highly disagreeable temperament. Didn’t seem to be himself during his time at Hogwarts because he seemed to have a very large suitcase and tends to drink out of his hip flask every hour or so. Meanwhile, Snape has claimed that someone has been stealing from his ingredient stash to make polyjuice potion. Even Barty Crouch Sr. has some suspicions about him. Makes Slytherins and former Death Eaters very uneasy around him. His unconventional disciplinary methods like turning an obnoxious student into a ferret doesn’t uphold to school standards. Students might be learning the wrong lesson from him.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Don’t use Transfiguration as a punishment to students. Try to cut down on drinking. Be nice to Slytherins, even if they are Death Eater children.

Grade: C+, occasionally effective but wasn’t quite himself in the end. Wonder what lessons these kids might be learning from him.

Remus Lupin

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is an accomplished and skilled wizard with extensive knowledge of dark creatures as well as charismatic. Is pleasant, mild-mannered, and scholarly figure who genuinely cares about the children under his care and is generally-well liked. Was very great with the dementor attacks by calming down utterly traumatized children with chocolate and medicine. Is unfailingly kind and considerate toward everyone as well as somewhat saner than many of his colleagues. Very accessible to his students and actually teaches them what they need to know.

Con: Has a tendency to fall ill and be absent from class during the full moon, which has caused a lot of suspicion. Was willing to help an escaped fugitive on school grounds (who turned out to be innocent, but still). And can be a real monster whenever he forgets to take his medication.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps subjecting your students and their parents to a werewolf awareness class might help explain you monthly absences. If only the Ministry would allow it.

Grade: A, if it weren’t for Snape outing you as a werewolf and the concerned parents freaking out, I would’ve kept you on. Seriously, your departure was a big loss for our school since you’re the best DADA teacher we’ve had in a long time.

Fillius Flitwick

Department: Charms

Pro: Is one of the nicest teachers as well as cheerful and fair to his students. Great with spells and was once a dueling champion. Even teaches the school choir in his spare time. Gentle demeanor and fierce abilities combine to create a positive learning environment. Also demonstrates great patience.

Con: Has a tendency being victimized by someone’s spell going awry. Classroom often filled with bangs, explosions, and other frightening results of miscast spells.Sometimes can even be sent flying across the classroom. Despite teaching for a long time, does not consider that Ravenclaw’s diadem was in the Room of Requirement for years. Also teaching the front doors to recognize Sirius Black and to instantly lock down if he tries to break in once more has one gaping hole. Also has altered appearance considerably since the Chamber of Secrets incident.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Try to hold your ground. Other than that, I don’t know what else to recommend.

Grade: A, truly an exemplary teacher if there ever was one as well as helps that your subject is among the most important.

Rolanda Hooch

Department: Flying

Pro: Is rather stern and impartial as well as can teach students how to fly on brooms.

Con: Spent a considerable amount of time leaving her students unsupervised which resulted in a bullying incident that wouldn’t have happened under her watch. Also expulsion for flying a broom without her permission? Really?

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Maybe try being less strict, especially since you went gaga over one student’s new Firebolt. Also, if you want to go for a pee do it between periods, not during class (especially if there are Slytherins present).

Grade: B, not bad, but you probably have an easy teaching job anyway.

Quinirinus Quirrell

Department: Muggle Studies/Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: He’s a fine teacher while studying from books and was known to have a brilliant mind. Took a year off to get some firsthand experience. Can also be quite perfectly benevolent or so it seems. Warned staff and students about a troll in the dungeon on Halloween.

Con: Was never the same after his European travels though God only knows what went on during that time. But since he has become perpetually nervous as well as developed a stutter and nervous tics. Seems to be scared of his own students as well as his own subject and might come across as incompetent and inconfident. Snape thinks he might be after the Philosopher’s Stone in the basement. Troll was actually terrorizing a student in the girls’ bathroom. Might’ve nearly thrown a student off his broom during a Quidditch match, too. Then there’s the unicorns being slaughtered in the Forbidden Forest since he returned from his European vacation. And who knows what he has under that purple turban of his.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: How about building some self-esteem? Also, perhaps you can stop stuttering. And can you show me the back of your head?

Grade: C, teaching is so-so, but you should not try to expose students to danger.

Horace Slughorn

Department: Potions

Pro: Expert enough in potions that I dragged the man out of a 15 year retirement. A Slytherin who is not obsessed with blood purity and takes more to enlightened self-interest. Is willing to help his most favored students succeed. Doesn’t bully or abuse his students which makes him quite serviceable that some students demonstrated such aptitude for the first time. Is an expert fighter and extremely talented wizard.

Con: Plays favorites with his students and singles out those who are famous or well-connected for special treatment. Can be somewhat dismissive to those who fail to catch his attention. Not so above the muggle-born prejudice though he tries to prove he’s not. Also, he once discussed the idea of horcruxes with the wrong Slytherin student. Thinks students he’s helped owes him a favor though he tends to be too lazy to take advantage of this beyond asking for free concert tickets and sweets. In addition, vicarious ambition does have a dark side.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Try not to see muggle-borns as significantly less talented as their pureblood counterparts since you have had exceptional muggle born students before. Oh, and sometimes it helps to keep some lessons to yourself, especially if the student asking the question happens to be descended from Salazar Slytherin as well as has the potential to become one of the most notorious dark wizards of our time.

Grade: B-, though you are a great teacher that I had to drag out of retirement, it was worth it. However, I’m never going to let you live your horcrux explanation to Riddle down. Never.

Firenze

Department: Divination

Pro: Never says a single harsh word to anyone. Seems more knowledgeable in his field than Trelawney at times and calls her out on her methods. Is more friendly to humans than some of his kind and in his herd. Can take some insulting comment rather well than those in his species. At least honest in acknowledging that Divination is inexact and open to interpretation, with his brand being based on stargazing.

Con: Has a view and perspective that’s hard for students to understand. Also, is the subject of disparaging comments from many parents on letting a half horse man teaching a class.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps trying to explain the centaur Divination point of view to your students might be better. Also, maybe you should do something to raise centaur awareness so parents would be more comfortable with you.

Grade: A, I was right about you being an “acceptable” replacement though Umbridge failed to get the joke.

16. Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures (substitute basis)

Pro: Lessons are often age appropriate and is not prone to outbursts. Also, doesn’t risks any of her limbs for the sake of creature education. Threstral lesson was good and highly informative. Even praises Hagrid on his threstral care. Liked by everyone and even trusted to treat owls. Overall is a competent teacher who makes her lessons enjoyable to students

Con: Hiring her to teach the subject permanently with Hagrid wouldn’t be cheap. Also, there is some worth in teaching about more dangerous creatures though it’s generally not advisable. And she smokes a pipe in front of the kids.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Can’t think of anything save perhaps quitting smoking. Really doesn’t set a great example to the students.

Grade: A-, sorry we can’t hire you on a permanent basis, but it’s just on in our budget. Besides, Hagrid only earns a gamekeeper’s salary anyway.

17. Silvanus Kettleburn

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures

Pro: Had great affection from the staff and students during his career. Displayed great enthusiasm for his subject. Also active in student theater.

Con: Is an occasionally reckless man whose great love of the dangerous magical creatures he studied and looked after often resulted in serious injuries not only to himself but also to others. Is prone to underestimating the risks involved to caring for creatures such as Occamys, Grindylows and Fire Crabs. This led to no fewer than 62 probation periods, a record that still stands. Once set off a major fire in the Great Hall after enchanting an Ashwinder to play the Worm in “The Fountain of Fair Fortune.” Also, visits dragon sanctuaries in his spare time.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps you can practice safety in your lessons because if you keep up with this, you might finish your career with an arm and half a leg. And those wooden prosthetics I gave you don’t come cheap, which you keep having set on fire during your visits to dragon sanctuaries.

Grade: C-, all your lessons should come with a public safety disclaimer like “Don’t Try this at Home.” Also, you might want to consider retiring before you end up killing yourself.

18. Irma Pince

Department: Library

Pro: Apparently, shows dedication to her job and does not take damaged books lightly.

Con: Has been known to be unpleasant to the students, especially if they’ve either brought food in the library or doodled in the books. One incidence had her yelling at two students as well as enchanting their things to chase them out as well as whack them over their heads repeatedly as they ran. Has placed dozens of curses on the books should they be mistreated, stolen, or vandalized. I myself even made such mistake by doodling in one and found the book trying to beat me on the head. But I still can’t guarantee whether I gotten off all the curses of Quidditch Through the Ages future readers might be holding. Has been very unhelpful to students and tends to scream at them.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Though I’m aware of library policies, perhaps you should at least loosen up a bit because students are scared to death of you. Also remember students aren’t the only ones who read your precious library books.

Grade: B-, while I have to admire your dedication, you have some major personality issues.