a bleeding purple utah jazz blog

The Jazz held their annual “Leapin’ Leaners and Low Tops” fundraiser last night. Prices:

–$4,500 for a party of eight to sit with one of the following Jazz players: Kyrylo Fesenko, Sundiata Gaines, Kyle Korver, Kosta Koufos, Wesley Matthews, C.J. Miles, Paul Millsap, Mehmet Okur, Ronnie Price.

–$5,500 for a party of eight to sit with Carlos Boozer, Andrei Kirilenko, Deron Williams, Greg Miller, Kevin O’Connor, or Jerry Sloan.

If you ask me, the Jazz missed out on a huge fundraising opportunity by not charging at least $10,000 for KK, KOC, Jerry, and Fes’ tables.* I can absolutely guarantee those tables would have sold like [finger snap]. Why? Read on…

–KK for obvious heartthrob reasons, and because (truth) women will buy anything and aren’t afraid to spend;

–KOC and Jerry because you can’t tell me there aren’t some extremely wealthy fans out there that think they know how to run/coach the team better than KOC/Jerry, and would relish the opportunity to make KOC/Jerry listen to their genius;

–Adam Romney: Fes doesn’t bother to pay attention during time-outs and watches the Jumbotron and the Warriors girls. This only makes me like him more. My girlfriend and I started yelling for Fes to dance. He did a little wiggle, gave the thumbs up again, and tried not to get caught by Sloan…Fes was also late getting out for the second half. He had to go around the whole court behind the first row because the game had already started.

–Yucca Man: Fess is the funniest damn player I’ve ever seen. Whether he’s pulling off a Hakeem shake-n-shimmy jump hook in the post, bouncing the ball off his shoe before dunking it in, blocking a shot in such a bizarre spot that you swear he actually mistimed the swat so badly he accidentally got it, or threatening to Jack up an open 20-footer, watching him play is HIGH COMEDY…

I was looking forward to see him dance to himself to the Jazz dancers’ beat while Sloan was drawing up a play. But it didn’t happen. It didn’t happen because at every single timeout the other Jazzmen escorted Fess to the middle seat on the bench, where Phil Johnson knelt right in front of Fess’s face, staring at him, while Jerry knelt just a bit to the side, drawing the play right on a clipboard being held right under Fess’s eyes. And even then, KK had to snap his fingers in Fess’s face a couple of times and redirect the big doof to what Sloan was saying. Like I said, it’s a kind of awesome never before unleashed on the NBA.

Hmmm….now that I think about it, the Jazz probably would have been able to charge a premium for Memo’s table as well–not so much for Memo, but for Yeliz.

What’s that? You’re right, I really should be on the Jazz’s payroll.

*with the charge being double if you want Fes to show up in one of his previous Halloween costumes (Beetlejuice, Willy Wonka, etc.).