11/21/2009

Taco Club

There’s
a new movie coming out this holiday season called Did You Hear About the
Morgans? and it stars Sarah Jessica
Parker and Hugh Grant.The
marketing team for the film have been airing longer-than-usual ads to promote
it—ads that, by the way, pretty much show the ENTIRE movie.The previews run through every theme,
highlight all charming goofball shots, show the zingers and pratfalls and I
assume this is supposed to make you WANT to see the movie.Actually PAY to see the movie.Even though you’ve kind of already been
forced to watch it.

I
know I’m a dick, but all I can think of when I see these ads (other than how
that preview just raped my good taste) are how OLD the two stars look. GEEZ.

I
try not to think of this because, yeah, I know it’s terrible and mean and I’m
not really a terrible and mean person, at least according to my parole
officer.So when the preview comes
on I’ll squint my eyes, blink excessively, try to look at other things on the
screen such as the cornfield in the background or SJP’s shoes and smear my eyes
with Vaseline.

I
also try to remain humble and remind myself that I, too, am looking older and
squigglier these days.It’s
slightly shocking to see in photographs how much I’ve aged recently—I’ve got
lines, crow’s feet, my eyelids and boobs droop slightly more than they did a
few years ago, etc.I think the
fat in my butt has made a permanent home there, and I have to make sure to get
a good night’s sleep and drink plenty of water—otherwise the dark circles under
my eyes make me look like a mummified corpse who died of dryness.

But
for years now we’ve all watched our favorite movie stars age before our very
eyes—the glamorous legends from the Golden Age of Cinema such as Katherine
Hepburn and Jimmy Stewart, Liz Taylor and Paul Newman.Jack Nicholson has flabbed around for
the last few decades, Robert Redford has looked like a saddlebag for as long as
I’ve been alive, so it’s not so shocking to have watched THESE stars age,
since they were already getting on in years when I was still a child.

It’s
different, however, to see the toll of time on the stars with whom I grew up,
or the ones who came to fame in my teenage years (the 90s, or as I call it, the
Golden Era of Awkwardness).I was
shocked recently to see Helen Hunt in some TV movie with Bette Midler (not sure
what it was, I didn’t watch the whole thing) (obviously).Yes, perhaps it makes me an asshole but
the truth is, Ms. Hunt is looking pretty bedraggled lately. I
have to give the woman credit, though—she looks a heck of a lot better than the
freak show entertainers that get all that plastic surgery (Burt Reynolds, Meg
Ryan, Nicolas “He Scares Me” Cage, etc.). It's far more dignified, graceful and brave to allow the public to see some wrinkles than to combat aging by turning yourself into a Botox-ed parade float.

And
as much as I wanted it to NOT be true, boy did it make me cringe to see
Harrison Ford and Karen Allen in The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 20+ years after Raiders of the Lost Ark.Oy. Sorry, guys.

Years
ago, my friends and I, after noticing this “aging” thing more and more, formed
several “clubs” in which we’d place certain actors.For example, suddenly one day Vince Vaughn went from being a
handsome, cut man to looking like a bloated pus bag.Now, I love Vince Vaughn, but you have to admit he’s sort of
let his looks go a bit.Far beyond
what would occur during the natural aging process

So,
to explain this increasing phenomenon, we came up with the theory that some
actors get together secretly somewhere in Hollywood several times a week and
eat an obscene number of tacos, hence explaining the bloated pus-baggery.Jon Favreau joined around the time his
pal Vince did.John Travolta
entered The Taco Club years ago,
as has Luke Wilson and Tom Hanks.Matthew Perry was a founding member, and took several dips in and
out.Perry seems to no longer
consume massive, vulgar amounts of tacos on a regular basis, so he’s out of the
club.For now.

The
Taco Club was far from the only club
we theorized—other clubs included the following:

-The
Downs Club, or stars who sometimes
look like they have Down’s Syndrome.This includes Philip Seymour Hoffman and Leonardo DiCaprio.Joaquin Phoenix is an Honorary Member,
since he looks retarded sometimes.

-The
Too Many Features Club, dedicated to
stars whose faces have too many prominent features and angles.Johnny Depp, Kiera Knightley and
Angelina Jolie included.

-The
Bitch Face Club—Angie Harmon is
President of the Bitch Face Club.She may actually be a lovely human being who does charity work and
adopts crippled puppies, but her face makes her look like a bitch.

-The
Giant Face & Head Club was formed
for stars that probably/definitely have giant faces and heads that are
disproportional to their tiny bodies.Kelly Ripa, Ivana Trump and Peter Gallagher have all been inducted.

*****

Well,
those are the clubs we have so far—I’m always interested in hearing ideas for more judgmental clubs for harmless celebrities, so feel free to send them my way!Help fill the empty void in my aging, vacous heart!Ha!