(I spend a lot of my free time volunteering with my church ministry, and am often around as much as any of the actual paid staff members, so a lot of people start recognizing my face. However, since I am not on staff, I do not know a lot of information about the ongoing activities until they are announced to the public.)

Staff Member: “Hello, everyone. My name is [Staff Member], and I am [staff position] here at [Church]. Here are the announcements for the week…” *lists off announcements* “…and if you have any questions, you can come and talk to any of our staff members.”

Parishioner:*coming up to me* “So, can you tell me more about this announcement?”

Me: “I’m sorry; I don’t know anything more about this than what was said during the announcements. The staff members know more. They are the ones wearing the big name tags.”

Me: “Thanks, but no, I really don’t know any more about this than you do.”

(One day I get a call that none of the staff members would be around to make the announcements during the coming weekend’s service, and asked me to take care of it. During the next service:)

Me: “Hello, everyone. My name is [My Name], and I am only pretending to be a staff member at [Church]. Here are the announcements for the week…” *lists off announcements* “…and if you have any questions, you can find me afterwards and I will do my best to continue to impersonate a staff member.”

(It takes a couple minutes for everybody to stop laughing. Amazingly enough that was the last week people came up to me to ask me questions!)

(It is near the end of my shift and I am cleaning the bathrooms in my section. The only event currently going on is being held at the other end of the building; there are two other sets of bathrooms and several closed doors between the event and my area. Nonetheless, out of habit, I have put up the “CLOSED FOR CLEANING” sign in the doorway of the women’s bathroom. It’s a bright yellow sign, on a bright yellow safety bar, that is at chest level so that people can’t just walk underneath it. I have just finished cleaning the mirrors and sinks. As I turn away from the mirrors, a woman walks in.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but this bathroom is closed.”

Woman: “What? Why?”

Me: “Because I’m cleaning it.”

Woman: “Well, you should have a sign up!”

Me: “Uh, I do. Right across the doorway”

Woman: “Well, that doesn’t apply to me! I have to go!”

Me: “Are you with the group on the other side of the church?”

Woman: “YES! Now let me use the bathroom!”

Me: “Ma’am, you would have had to pass by two other bathrooms on the way down here. Those were much closer to your event.”

Woman: “I wanted to use this one!”

(My bathrooms aren’t that special; they’re the oldest bathrooms in the building. The ones by her event are much nicer and had been renovated only a year ago. One toilet in my bathroom is also out of order, while we wait for a back-ordered part to come in.)

Me: “All right, fine.”

(She tries to go into the stall with the big ‘OUT OF ORDER’ sign. The stall is locked AND taped shut, since people had been ignoring the sign most of the week and unlocking the stall. Thus far, the tape had deterred them.)

Woman: “Why can’t I get in here?! I want in! I have to go!”

Me: “Ma’am, that stall is out of order. The toilet doesn’t work. That’s why there’s a sign and the door is taped shut. There are seven other stalls that are just fine.”

Woman:*huffing* “FINE!”

(I go out to my cart to take inventory of what I need to restock before I leave, while I wait for her to finish. A few minutes later, she comes barreling out, knocking my sign out of the doorway.)

Woman: “Your toilet is broken!” *storms off down the hall*

(I rolled my eyes, put the sign back, and went to clean whichever toilet she used, figuring she had probably gotten the one with the finicky flusher. She hadn’t. What she had done was unlock the out of order stall and ripped the tape down… and then ripped down the out of order sign, tossed it in the toilet, and urinated and defecated on it. I had to call my shift supervisor down to turn the water back on to that toilet so I could clean it, which left me with a flooded floor from the huge leak that had necessitated closing that toilet in the first place.)

(It’s the day of our church fete. I’m helping out on a busy stall while my father (who also happens to be the vicar) finishes up at his day job. A young man and woman are hanging about at the entrance, handing out pamphlets about atheism. They don’t seem to be causing trouble, so we don’t do anything about it. As the day drags on, we start to get complaints: apparently they’ve changed tack and are starting to harass with anti-religious taunts. I approach them with my friend.)

Woman:*thrusting a pamphlet at me as I approach* “Coming out is better than going in! Break out of the delusion!”

Me: “Uh, thanks. Look, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but do you mind tuning it down a notch? You’re upsetting some of the parishioners.”

Man: “Ha! Typical. The vicar can’t do the job himself, so he sends a couple of brainwashed children to do it for him! Wake up and smell the lie!”

Friend:*gesturing to me*“Okay, first off she is agnostic.”

Man: “A cowardly atheist! Why the f*** are you here serving these fools? You’re only a Wikipedia page away from enlightenment!”

Me:*getting slightly irritated* “I’d rather keep studying at university, and help as many people as possible rather than holding to a belief I can’t prove. As I said though, I respect what you’re trying to do, but you’re not going to convert anyone by attacking them,”

Woman: “How dare you?! Atheism is a fact!”

(Eventually, my father arrives from his lecture, dressed in a long windbreaker. He’s forgotten to take his reading glasses off, so he still looks quite scholarly. The young man spots him as he approaches us.)

Man: “Hey, sir! You look way too smart to be here. What do you do?”

My Father:*slightly taken aback* “Dean of Physics at the university.”

Man: “Finally, an intelligent human being! Can you please tell these idiots the truth about their ‘Sky Fairy’?”

My Father: “Oh, of course!”

(He takes a step forward, then shudders, clutching at his head and turning bright purple. It’s realistic enough that everyone involved starts to panic, thinking he’s having a fit.)