Dr. Bawdy's counseling is wholly provided for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for qualified medical advice from a licensed healthcare professional. If you're dumb enough to take it, you'll just have to suffer the consequences.

Any further questions regarding individual circumstances should be directed towards your general practitioner/pharmacist/veterinarian. As to any contemplated legal action, tell your lawyer that Dr. Bawdy says he should simply "Fuck off!"

I’ll tell you a little story,
Just a story I have heard;
And you’ll swear it’s all a fable
But it’s gospel, every word.
When the Lord made father Adam,
They said He laughed and sang;
And sewed him up the belly
With a little piece of whang.
But when the Lord was finished
He found He’s measured wrong;
For when the whang was knotted
‘Twas several inches long.
Said He, “’Tis but eight inches
So I guess I’ll let it hang.”
So He left on Adam’s belly
That little piece of whang.
But when the Lord made mother Eve
I imagine He did snort,
When He found the whang He sewed her with
Was several inches short.
“Twill leave an awful gap,” said He,
“But I should give a damn,
She can fight it out with Adam
For that little piece of whang.”
So ever since that day
When human life began,
There’s been a constant struggle
‘Twixt the woman and the man.

Looks can be deceiving. Though the cock appears jaunty and confident, he’s anything but cocksure. He may think of himself as a strictly all-male bird, but a close look at his history shows quite the contrary. Not only does this most masculine of birds have a feminine side to him, but, according to the lexicographer of black English J. Dillard, he once denoted exclusively the female organ in the black community of the Southern United States and the Caribbean.

This usage originated in nineteenth-century England where women oft times used cock as a verb in a passive sense, as to want cocking or to get cocked. From there, it was a natural transition to refer to the female pudendum as a cock. The male cock’s stature has further been diminished by invidious comparisons with other birds, treating its appearance and character with even less respect.

Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy, the world’s foremost authority on sex—says he.

Dr. Bawdy’s recommended Xmas wish list, feel free to use it as a New Year wish list.

1. Obama Dildo

For the tea party couple who has everything: Better than even a one-way trip to Kenya. Why settle for strangling government in the bathtub? That’s not real fun anyway, and when was the last time you heard anyone getting off on that. Simple is better. You also know what you can do with this gift. So go for it!

2. Erectile Quality

A little something for the little lady: Looking for new ways to humiliate your lover, boyfriend, husband, or whatever you call your male companion? Psychological castration is so passé. Go high-tech this year with the ultimate put-down—the Erectile Quality Monitor — emasculate him in style. Just press the gizmo against his alleged erection for five seconds, check out the color-coordinated censor to see how many grams of force he’s packing down there, and tease the hell out of him.. Anything in the blue zone shows he’s ready to go and is prepared to provide “good for great sex”; red, well, that’s another matter altogether—better to call the whole thing off and see what’s playing on TV or better yet, just dust off the old vibrator.

3. Oral sex light

Have you ever taken a real good look to see what’s down there? Isn’t it about time you did? Muff-diving will never again be the same after you’ve used this delightful bit of technology. Explore the multi-tasking possibilities; check out the geography while also catching up on the latest from the NY Times best seller list. Don’t let the darkness daunt you. Shed some much needed light on a subject that for too long has been in the dark.

Silent Night… Bawdy Night

4. Lick-It Vibrator

No need to any longer be tongue-tied during oral sex. The lick-it vibrator is designed to give some straightforward power to those little darts of pleasure.

The teaser slips easily over the tongue and offers 40 continuous minutes of vibration. While giving your partner oral sex, the vibrations will enhance the joy you are offering with your limited oral techniques.

Looking to be multi-lingual? Add multiple tongues by buying more than one and putting them on your fingers or your nose. Made of 100% silicone, it’s designed to fit tongues of all sizes and shapes. It measures 2” in length and 1.25” in diameter.

5. Bad Bat Vibrating Cockring

For fans of True Blood, Twilight, and just plain suckers, we offer a spooky cockring, in the form of this stretchy silicone vibrating BadBat .

Runs on two AG3 batteries. Two are included but order more so you’ll be set when you need ’em!

This toy is made of 100% silicone. Pure silicone toys are non-porous and can be washed with soap and water or toy cleaner. The non-vibrating part can be sterilized in boiling water or in the top rack of your dishwasher. 100% Silicone is latex & Phthalate-free and safe for most people with chemical sensitivity.

So flap your wings for a gift you can truly sink your teeth into for a firm but batty XMAS.

6. Male Chastity Belt/Wood

Get a lock on your lover with the wood-finished CB – 6000 which is, without question, the ultimate luxury Male Chastity Belt available. The solid wood finish is stunningly textured and irresistibly designed for control over male chastity. Wearing a chastity belt is extremely erotic! Surprise him, tease him and ignite that sexual tension… He will be lik ea teenagers again, pleading for mercy of your teasing. Put new meaning into the term “woodie.” Order one for him today!

8. ET Self-Pleasurer

For a gift for your man that’s truly out of this world: This extraterrestrial creature will provide him with supernatural sensations when he embarks on solo pleasuring! The Man Eater male vibrator has a form-fitting mouth meaning he’s able to stimulate any size with his vigorous vibrations. A waterproof and easy to grip body puts this alien from Big Teaze Toys on our A-list for fun male masturbation toys. Take a break from earth by venturing into orgasmic outer space with the intergalactic Man Eater vibrator! Looking for a unique Christmas present for him? This will certainly be something he wouldn’t expect in his Xmas stocking!

9. My Duckie Bondage Vibrator

For your lover who has everything. Combine the joys of Band D with his childhood love of toys. Your old rubber ducky has been retrofitted with some daring bondage gear, including a bondage ball gag, a leather coat, a wild tattoo, and mni-cuffs! Whether you’re after a solo massage or a soft entrance into bedroom bondage play, this duckie has it all. I Love My Bondage Duckie is a waterproof companion that will have you floating on purely pleasurable waves of naughty vibration.

Best yet, it’s so easy to use. It’s so simple a child can do it: Blindfold your lover and start with the beak of your Bondage Duckie. Use the beak on the neck, lips, ear-lobes and nipples. It’s also incredible for light, toe-curling clitoral stimulation. You can then use the tail for the more intense, throbbing sensations for a more in-depth massage!

10. Dolly the Luv Sheep

Take the baa-humbug out of the holidays. For the sheep lover from the city: Dolly, the luv sheep. This adorable inflatable sheep is great for bachelor and bachelorette parties! It’s water-resistant so it can be used at naughty pool parties as well and hold up well for poundings from the rear. Dolly’s personality is great with bright colors, a very happy face and a cheery disposition. She’s a really good laugh and will brighten any party. This is one of our favorite inflatable novelties!

11. Vibrating Pleasure Panties

A real turn on for the holidays. Imagine wearing these to work, with your partner knowing that you are buzzing the whole day, you can each be filled with the anticipation that when you get home you will both be turned on.

We love the concept of the vibrating egg with the small insert vaginal sleeve. The panties are not that pretty we’re afraid! But who cares! The one-size-fits-all concept is difficult to achieve with a product like this. It’s definitely worth a laugh – especially if you give the remote to someone else. Order this great gift and tickle her fancy now!

Nothing beats a bawdy to bawdy XMAS

12. Hotdoll: The Sex Doll for Dogs

Tired of your dog humping anything he can wrap his horny little legs around? Struggling to pry your promiscuous pooch off the legs of guests, parents, and members of your church? Protect your leg and those of your dearest friends from a hump attack by getting him a Hotdoll.

Yes, at long last, a sex doll for dogs. Shaped like a dog, it’ll allow your tension-filled pet to go to town as much as his little heart desires, humping away until he passes out in a state of exhaustion, leaving only a wispy coil of friction-singed dog-fur smoke wafting into the air. Don’t bark up the wrong tree this holiday—buy your best friend what he most needs – for a XMAS he can truly get off on.

Naughty or Nice? Only Santa and Dr. Bawdy know which

XTRA

XTRA

XTRA

XTRA

Stocking Stuffer

Musical Condoms

Thanks to the inventive genius of Hryhory Chausovsky, a scientist in Ukraine, we can truly make music while having sex.

A miniature loudspeaker and motion sensor implanted in the condom’s upper cuff provides a range of musical tones during sex. Music volume depends on intensity of love-making and tone varies based on the sexual position. Unfortunately, there appears to be no danger of electric shock to users of the device.

The sound right now is somewhat primitive, similar to the way early cellphone ringtones sound. But we have heard the future, and the future is now. Coming soon to a bed near you—heavy metal, folk music, and soaring symphonic crescendos. Though there is also the possibility of sour notes and cacophony for those with tin ears.

May you find who you like in your XMAS stocking
The best for you and yours…
Dr. Celestial Bawdy and Friends

In and around the locker room there’s little talk of breasts, but lots of conversation about tits. Tits is a charming word that suggests many things. George Carlin once proposed a new crackerlike snack treat from Nabisco: “You can’t eat just one!” We prefer tits as the family dog, small, warm, cuddly, and benign—not unlike the little pooch sitting dutifully with his ear to the RCA phonograph. “Here tits! Nice tits! G-o-o-o-o-od tits!”

Historically, breasts began as teats (c.950), not becoming tits till around the seventeenth century, later spinning off the likes of titties (c. 1740) and diddies or diddeys (c.1780). Once they referred solely to the nipples (c. 1530); today they describe both soft protuberances situated on the thorax of the female.

Tits have been considered vulgar since the nineteenth century; it is now considered gauche to tell a lady what lovely tits she has. But it’s especially difficult to remember that in England, where when your mind is wandering, your tit is in a trance.

Lenny Bruce once found himself in such a state, fantasizing how he entered Eleanor Roosevelt’s bedroom and found her changing her clothes. “Haven’t I got beautiful tits?” she asks him. “You sure have,” he replies. “Do you work out or anything?”

Virginity once meant more than the condition of one’s cherry. According to Gordon Rattray Taylor’s Sex in History, the Romans distinguished between virgo, “an unmarried woman,” and virgo intacta, “a woman who had never known a man.”Ditto for the Greeks, to whom a virgin was a woman who had opted for personal autonomy instead of submitting herself to the narrow caged life of marriage. Virginity was considered less a physical state than a way of being. A woman getting married was seen as selling her independence, causing others to say she had “lost her virginity.” The only way to restore it was to sleep witha god, leaving most men out. Men for the most part continue to be infatuated with the notion. As Tamara Broder (Anjelica Huston) noted in the film Enemies,A Love Story, “Men love virgins. If every man had his way, every woman would lie down a prostitute and get up a virgin.”