Thursday, January 31, 2013

David and Catrine, top governance graduates from the Academy of Demia, are more than friends and schoolmates--they are a team. At least until the day she kisses him on the way to their proposal defense. It is the kind of kiss that makes a guy forget his speech. Catrine steps in to salvage their pitch, and earns for herself the directorship of the new program they proposed.

When David notices the tiny tattoo hidden beneath Catrine's hair, he is convinced she is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not exist on their school-planet. David is appalled by the discovery that a single family has been ruling Demia in secret since colonization. Demia is the center of knowledge in the galaxy. It is supposed to value merit, not birthright.

As the utopia he has always cherished crumbles into a school-boy’s fantasy, David realizes his parents want to institute marriage on the planet by wedding him to Catrine. They want to crown him the first king of Demia. If he exposes the ploy, David will ruin both his and Catrine's chances of ever governing their planet. He can only hope his governance degree will be worth something at the other end of the galaxy. But Catrine cannot forget him, nor does she believe Demia can prosper without him. And she might just be the bait to lure him back home.

THE LEGACY OF THE EYE, complete at 86,000 words, is science fiction with romantic components. LEGACY has a literary bent and was inspired by Plato’s Republic. It will appeal to those who think Jane Austen should have penned 1984.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The sign-up list opens today – but read first before adding your name!

The A to Z Challenge is posting every day in April except Sundays. And since there are 26 days, that matches the 26 letters of the alphabet. On April 1, blog about something that begins with the letter “A.” April 2 is “B,” April 3 is “C,” and so on. You can use a theme for the month or go random – just as long as it matches the letter of the alphabet for the day. We recommend short posts, turn off Word Verification, and visit five blogs (or more) a day beginning with the one after yours on the list.

This year we are adding categories for those looking for like-minded blogs. Select ONE category code and enter it after your blog’s name. This is purely optional. However, if your blog has adult content, you MUST mark it (AC) or it will be removed from the list. Here are the codes:

This is the fourth Challenge. I've only co-hosted once, but last year introduced me to more new blogs than any month since I started blogging! Are you ready to join us in the greatest blogging event ever?

NOTE: Please read the instructions carefully, and follow them, because we won't be able to change your entry once it is added to the list.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Okay, first of all, sorry I'm late. I had to stick around at home this morning, and wait to find out whether school was closed in our county (it is). Having grown up in Minnesota, it's a little ridiculous to see school closings simply because the temperature drops below freezing, but I suppose when the community has no cold weather infrastructure (ice/salt trucks, plows) it does make some sense.

Anyway, let's get back to work. Here is Christine's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The letter:

Dear Mr./Ms.,

Junior year sucks for Sadie Perkins, this is an independent clause. she creates a dream world (hot guy included) to escape her far-from-perfect life, but when monsters try to enslave her, she must fight to leave her growing nightmare alive. Okay, so you've got some very cool elements here, but this isn't really working for me as your opening hook. First of all, we don't know anything about Sadie, except that she's a girl, and a junior. The fact that her year sucks means nothing, because we all know high school sucks for everyone. Moreover, we don't have any understanding of the logistics of this dream world, or how literally you mean what you're saying here.

Does Sadie have the power to literally create a dream-like world? If there are monsters trying to enslave her (and not just in her nightmares when she's sleeping), and they're actually threatening her life, then it sounds like she does. How did she get this power? How does it work? Is it only a curse, or are there some elements of blessing to it as well?

Falling through the ground and waking up in the world of your dreams ruled by the hottest guy around would seem awesome if your ex wasn’t with you. It makes more sense now, as you start to expand on this concept, but do you see how the vagueness leaves the rules of your world making no sense in the opening paragraph? Seriously, trying to figure out how to get accepted by your parents is hard enough, but when you are asked to stay in a world you dreamed up with a super hot guy, this is the third time you've mention Nameless Hot Guy. Normally I'm all good with not naming too many characters in a query, but now I'm starting to wonder. Should you name him? Maybe. But I think you should definitely say a bit more about him. He rules the dream world? How so? Like a king or something? the decision can be harder than you might think, especially when he may swipe your imagination(,) making you a slave(,) or you just might flat out die.

Sadie must resist the temptation of her dream world, why? It seems mostly horrible. You may need flesh it out more, so we can understand why whether to leave or stay is such a sadistic choice. and face the reality of her real one before the Dream Thieves catch up to her. Now this I like. Brief, succinct specificity is at the heart of most good queries.

DREAM THIEVES is a young adult paranormal novel with fantasy elements, complete at 70,000 words. I am an active member of SCBWI.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Christine Danek

The rest of this is perfect.

Now, to summarize. Your query has some awesome elements, but you really need to work on explaining the logistics better. The writing is strong, the stakes and conflict build to what I'm sure will be an excellent choice at the end, once you can explain how this other world works.

It's your story, so how to go about it is up to you, but I would suggest you make it clearer right up front how this wold connects to Sadie's dreams, how much control she has over it's creation (you say "she creates a dream world (hot guy included) to escape her far-from-perfect life" in the beginning, but then it seems like she doesn't have control), and how exactly she enters it (and how or whether she is able to leave at will). The other world sounds cool (hot guy included), but with all your stakes and conflict tied to it, we need it to be clear that it's not just a dream (unless, you know, it is).Finally, more about Sadie in the opening would be great. We can infer a bit about her character from her struggling with being a junior, and her choice to escape her troubles by dreaming (in other words, she's probably not the assertive, alpha personality type), but you could add another word or two of characterization here and there, and that would really help us sympathize with her from the get go.

That's it.

So, what do you all think? Are you as confused by this dream world as I am, or am I missing something?

Thursday, January 24, 2013

There was a nice harvest moon, hanging low in the western sky this morning, nearly full. The air was crisp, but not too cold.

Anyway, today we have Christine's query. I've had her on before, but if you don't know Christine, definitely go follow her blog at Christine's Journey.

Now, her query:

Dear Mr./Ms.,

Junior year sucks for Sadie Perkins, she creates a dream world (hot guy included) to escape her far-from-perfect life, but when monsters try to enslave her, she must fight to leave her growing nightmare alive.

Falling through the ground and waking up in the world of your dreams ruled by the hottest guy around would seem awesome if your ex wasn’t with you. Seriously, trying to figure out how to get accepted by your parents is hard enough, but when you are asked to stay in a world you dreamed up with a super hot guy, the decision can be harder than you might think, especially when he may swipe your imagination making you a slave or you just might flat out die.

Sadie must resist the temptation of her dream world, and face the reality of her real one before the Dream Thieves catch up to her.

DREAM THIEVES is a young adult paranormal novel with fantasy elements, complete at 70,000 words. I am an active member of SCBWI.

"THE BOOK is both heartwarming and heartbreaking. It's going to rip your blood pump out of your chest, kick it around like a football, and then shove it back inside you, leaving you with a potently reinvigorated faith in humanity. A curiously captivating read that
somehow manages to encapsulate the length and breadth of love and family in one slim volume." ~Josh Donellan, author of Zeb and the Great Ruckus

Here's the blurb:

This book is not The Book. The Book is in this book. And The Book in this book is both
the goodie and the baddie.

Bonnie is five. She wants to bury The Book because it is a demon that should go to hell. Penny, Bonnie’s mother, does bury The Book, but every day she digs it up and writes in it. John, Bonnie’s father, doesn’t live with them anymore. But he still likes to write in it from time to time. Ted, Bonnie’s stepfather, would like to write in The Book, but Penny won’t allow it.

To Bonnie, The Book is sadness.

To Penny, The Book is liberation.

To John, The Book is forgiveness.

To Ted, The Book is envy.

But The Book in this book isn’t what it seems at all.

If there was one thing in this world you wished you could hold in your hand, what would it be? The world bets it would be The Book.

Intrigued?

Available at all major retailers in e-book and paperback, including Amazon US and Amazon UK.

Monday, January 21, 2013

So ... after Sunday's games, both the incredible, and the abominable, I don't have a lot for you guys. Moreover, I've got the day off, so I can only direct you to my post at YA Confidental, a rather depressing piece on the state of bloggging in general.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Okay. It's Friday, and while there's a nice cold snap down here in Georgia, there's no ice on the roads, so it should be another great weekend. Go Falcons.

Anyway, here is Misha's letter again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The query:

Dear [Agent],

Sixteen-year-old Callan Blair has been in the British foster care system for five years. One thing that's missing here is how many families she's been through. That was one of the strengths of your previous version. She should be equipped for just about anything. Turns out… not so much?

This opening is good. You start with character: good. You put her in a situation in which we feel sympathy for her: good. You hint at some kind of inciting incident: not as good, but it's fine, because you get to that in the very next sentence. One thing I want more of (and if you read this blog a lot, I may sound like a broken record) is character. We have Callan's age, and her situation, but we don't know who she is. What kind of person. Brave or cowardly? Kind or cruel? Even one or two words can go a very long way.

On day one at her new school, a lethal I'm not sure about this word here. Aren't all knights potentially lethal? knight (more like arrogant bastard - I'll say more about language in queries later) drags her through a doorway into Tardith, a continent in a different world. Onea strange land where dragons still steal sheep and where her grandfather is the elvish king of Alfen Cairn.I like this premise. The execution is a little clunky, but the whole portal world concept, while certainly having been done, is one that almost always works for me. Also, I think this short and to the point version is better then the older one. I miss the cosplayers a little, but I don't miss all the stuff about her brother. Callan is his only granddaughter, so everyone counts on her to save their country from a devastating war.

The idea of having a real family and friends is a dream come true. Marrying a sadistic man with genocide on the mind in order to protect them… Nnot so much. But this becomes an echo if you add "so much" to the end of your first paragraph. But if she doesn't go through with the wedding, everyone dies. If she does, she'll be tortured for the rest of her very short life. So much for the happy homecoming.

I would end here. This paragraph is short on some of the details from your earlier version, but it works for me. Plently of conflict, very high stakes, and a tough, sadistic choice. Those are the bread and butter of queries.

Callan's choice doesn't get any easier when she realizes her only hope for survival lies with the same asshole who put her in Tardith in the first place.

Equipped for anything. What was she thinking? I'm undecided about this. It's adds a nice bit of voice, and if your manuscript's narrator is a bit sarcastic sounding like this, you might want to include it, but it could work either way.

So, before I summarize, a brief note on foul language. I love it. My manuscripts are full of fucks and shits and assholes, and even in YA lit I think it's authentic, depending, of course, on the characters, but I think you have to be careful with queries. My own first query had a pair of "bad-asses" in it, and I think it was important to include them, to give a sense of the tone of the voice in the manuscript, but I would never put a "fuck" in a query. Anyway, my point for this query is that I think the "asshole" might be a bit too much. I really like the "arrogant bastard," though.

Okay, and now, in summary: this query is way better. You're missing a few world building elements from before, but you get to the point so much more succinctly. That's part of the reason I suggest using a few more of the fantasy names like Alfen Cairn. Anyway, otherwise this query is mostly quite good. The beginning needs the most work, but if you can introduce us to Callan in a way that we would care about her more right away, I think you'd be in great shape.

Sixteen-year-old Callan Blair has been in the British foster care system for five years. She should be equipped for just about anything. Turns out… not.

On day one at her new school, a lethal knight (more like arrogant bastard) drags her through a doorway into Tardith, a continent in a different world. One where dragons still steal sheep and where her grandfather is the elvish king. Callan is his only granddaughter, so everyone counts on her to save their country from a devastating war.

The idea of having a real family and friends is a dream come true. Marrying a sadistic man with genocide on the mind in order to protect them… Not so much. But if she doesn't go through with the wedding, everyone dies. If she does, she'll be tortured for the rest of her very short life. So much for the happy homecoming.

Callan's choice doesn't get any easier when she realizes her only hope for survival lies with the same asshole who put her in Tardith in the first place.

Friday, January 11, 2013

The time has come, folks (actually, the time already passed, if you know the other co-hosts). Today I am announcing the co-hosts for the 2013 A to Z Blogging Challenge.

This is the fourth year the challenge has taken place, but only the second year I've been involved. Sometimes it can seem like a lot of work, but it really is the biggest thing in blogging, and it is the absolute best way to meet new bloggers, and gain followers.

Anyway, the sign-up list isn't open or anything yet, we just want to announce the list of co-hosts, because we've added a couple of awesome bloggers this year. Please double check and make sure you follow all of us:

Check out the live-action Mindjack Book Trailer (from the bestselling Mindjack Trilogy by Susan Kaye Quinn): When everyone reads minds, a secret is a dangerous thing to keep. http://bit.ly/MindjackBookTrailer

3) Post it to Twitter (copy & paste below)

When everyone reads minds, a secret is a dangerous thing to keep. Watch the live-action Mindjack Book Trailer http://bit.ly/MindjackBookTrailer

4) Share to Google+, Tumbler, Pinterest, and moreGo to the trailer on YouTube and click the "share" button. Click the arrow to expand and see all the options. Easy peasy. (While you're there, click "like" on YouTube, or leave a comment!)

5) Post the trailer on your blogGrab the embed code from YouTube or email me for a copy of the HTML for a complete post announcing the trailer and ways to share!

An EXTRA SPECIAL THANKS to
everyone involved in making the trailer a reality, including Director Beth Spitalny, Producer Angel Acevedo, Director of Photography Lance Kaplan, lead actor Nikki Flemming (Kira) and the many fine actors, crew members, and post-production staff who donated their time and talent to the project.

Susan Kaye Quinn is the author of the bestselling Mindjack Series, which includes three novels, three novellas, and a trailer. She's currently writing a steampunk fantasy romance, just for kicks. When that's out of her system, she has ambitious plans to embark on a series about the Singularity (the time when computers become more intelligent than humans) that should appeal to fans of the Mindjack novels. Or possibly play on Facebook all day. Could go either way.

Friday, January 4, 2013

You guys are used to this by now, right? Here is Laura's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

First of all, let's talk about formatting. That is a big chunk of text below this paragraph o' mine. Before I even start reading it, just the way its girth reaches off the page and pinches my eye ... makes me want to squint. I'm not saying every query has to fit into a neat little 250 word, three paragraph formatting structure, but I do think you should consider breaking this paragraph up.

Kalara Orlov isn't just any fantastically rich young woman living in a luxury apartment in NYC, attending Columbia University--she's also a mage. Hmm. This isn't bad, and at least you introduce an interesting character right away, but I'm left wanting a little more. More voice, more characterization, more something.While at a dinner party, she discovers the host, Brentley Whitcomb, I would say you don't need this guy's last name, but then you start calling him by it. is also a mage, and lets him know they have that in common in an attempt to network. Unbeknownst to her, Whitcomb is also a powerful necromancer who doesn't want anyone discovering he's selling the souls of the dead who go through his funeral home, so he tries to kill her. Natch.I would break paragraph here. That last sentence is pretty hooky. The attempt comes too close to working for comfort, Obviously? and she decides to elicit the help of a devil. Whoa. Okay. The guy who ends up answering her call is Evander, a devil's is there more than one devil in this world? son who's bad at being bad. Like Little Nicky? He draws up a very fair contract: in return for borrowing his power for five days, she has to give him a heart from one of his enemies so that he may eat and gain the power from it. If she fails to deliver the heart, he eats hers instead. This is pretty good. You've got conflict, stakes, and a choice. Well done.

As the days fly by, Kalara has to balance school, appearances, killing Whitcomb, Hah! LOL. and finding and killing an enemy of Evander's so she doesn't wind up dead at the end. All the while she's discovering that being evil, which she had been by caring only about riches and style, just doesn't pay off. And all the while, Evander is growing to like her, but since he's obligated to fill his contract or transform into a demon, he hounds her constantly to fill her end of the bargain. But she has too many things on her plate, and it all comes down to the wire. I'm not sure about this whole paragraph. It's got some nice voice at points, but as far as substance, it doesn't add all that much that we couldn't already infer from the previous paragraph. The one piece of new information is the possibility of romance, which is good, but you don't need all this other reiteration to get to it.

THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO BEING EVIL, Awesome title. finished at 60,000 words, is a stand-alone comedic Urban Fantasy.

The one thing, which people mentioned yesterday, is that the voice of this query doesn't fully match the voice one would expect from a comedic novel (I also might use humorous over comedic, but it's just a matter of taste). You do have a couple funny moments, but overall this query reads a little dry for a funny book.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Laura Stephenson

Okay, in summary: you've got some great strong points. The plot, for example, or at least the inciting incident/hook part of it is very strong. The middle of this query too, in which a clear choice for Kalara is revealed, is great.Then we've got the beginning, and the end. The opening isn't bad. It's got all the necessary elements, I just think you need to spice it up a bit, add some voice, and maybe be a bit funny, or at least irreverent. The end, depending on where you choose to end after this critique, needs some work.I almost think you need to re-order things here. So that the potential romance comes up before the sadistic choice about murder or death. Try to write your query so that it progresses smoothly from Character, into Conflict, and finishes up with a Choice.

That's it.

What do you all think? Can you suggest a different opening for Laura? What about the end? How or where would you wrap things up?

Kalara Orlov isn't just any fantastically rich young woman living in a luxury apartment in NYC, attending Columbia University--she's also a mage. While at a dinner party, she discovers the host, Brentley Whitcomb, is also a mage, and lets him know they have that in common in an attempt to network. Unbeknownst to her, Whitcomb is also a powerful necromancer who doesn't want anyone discovering he's selling the souls of the dead who go through his funeral home, so he tries to kill her. The attempt comes too close to working for comfort, and she decides to elicit the help of a devil. The guy who ends up answering her call is Evander, a devil's son who's bad at being bad. He draws up a very fair contract: in return for borrowing his power for five days, she has to give him a heart from one of his enemies so that he may eat and gain the power from it. If she fails to deliver the heart, he eats hers instead.

As the days fly by, Kalara has to balance school, appearances, killing Whitcomb, and finding and killing an enemy of Evander's so she doesn't wind up dead at the end. All the while she's discovering that being evil, which she had been by caring only about riches and style, just doesn't pay off. And all the while, Evander is growing to like her, but since he's obligated to fill his contract or transform into a demon, he hounds her constantly to fill her end of the bargain. But she has too many things on her plate, and it all comes down to the wire.

THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO BEING EVIL, finished at 60,000 words, is a stand-alone comedic Urban Fantasy.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Laura Stephenson

That's it!

Please thank Laura for sharing her query with us, save your feedback for tomorrow, and have a happy Thursday.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

It's been a couple of weeks now, since I saw two of the three available versions of Peter Jackson's new foray into Middle Earth, known as The Hobbit: an Unexpected Journey. Overall, I loved the film, but I want to dig a little deeper, and see whether that love might be at least partially due to my tendency to view anything Tolkien related through rose-tinted glasses.

The first thing I want to cover, before I get into the story, is the new technology, namely the Stereoscopic (3D) High Frame Rate (48 fps) release. Before I discuss this, let me say I have not see the normal 3D (24 fps) release, but, that said, the 3D aspects of the HFR release I did see actually did not feel as intrusive as they have in some other films (I am not, essentially, normally a fan of 3D).

Ahem.

So, the High Frame Rate version ... what can I compare it to? I guess it was a lot like a bottle of cheap vodka. The right amount, mixed properly, can be a lot of fun, but too much, and everything is ruined. Unfortunately, the HFR was not a dynamic aspect of the film. It was static, constant, and overall, became intrusive.

Don't get me wrong. There were certain things it definitely improved. Landscape shots, wide shots, outdoor shots, and in particular, anything where the camera was in motion, especially on a boom, a track, shots presumably taken from a helicopter, or shots rendered in sweeping CGI, looked absolutely gorgeous, and while they were gorgeous in 2D (standard frame rate) too, there was a clarity to them in the HFR version that not only did my eye catch, but I actually thoroughly enjoyed.

Sadly, these shots were a smaller portion of the film than the scenes that were negatively affected. Whenever the camera was stationary, especially when the actors were in close-up, or were in motion while the camera was not, the animation of the objects on screen felt stilted, almost false, like when you watch certain BBC productions on an LCD HDTV. It's hard to describe, but if you've seen it, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

All in all, though I do think HFR may have a future in Cinema, for this film, in my opinion, it was more detrimental than it was beneficial. If you can only afford to see The Hobbit once, I recommend seeing it in standard frame rate. I loved the 2D version at 24 fps, but the 3D version may also be quite good.

Obviously I don't agree with all her points, though I do enjoy the post. So, let me cover some of her items, as a way to try to briefly get to: All. The. Things.

1) Bilbo. Basically, I agree. Martin Freeman is a fabulous actor, and he really shines in his performance as Bilbo Baggins. I don't know that I agree entirely about the beginning. The scene (rambling, probably far too long) with the Dwarves, and dinner, and the dishes, goes on for far too long, and there are some awkward moments, even from Bilbo, but the scene is awkward in the book, and it makes sense for Bilbo to be rather uncomfortable. I do agree that Freeman hits his stride just as he hits the road ("I'm going on an Adventure!") but I would also argue that the scene in which he first good mornings Gandalf is one of the best exchanges I've seen between two brilliant actors in a long time (it's later eclipsed by Gollum and Bilbo in the riddle scene).

Of note: Gandalf has a line in Bag End, when he's trying to convince Bilbo to come on the adventure, in which he says something like: "all the best stories deserve a little embellishment." I see what you did there, Peter Jackson. Well played, sir. Well played.

2) Thorin Oakenshield. I get it, I do. Richard Armitage is handsome. This movie has no Aragorn. Thorin's backstory is not completely, entirely accurate to canon. But, I have to say, for the most part, at least for me, it worked. The antagonism between Thorin and Bilbo, and the way their relationship builds through the story is one of the main (pair of) character arcs in the book, and while the movie certainly protrays Thorin in a way I never would have pictured ahead of time, I can't say that I didn't like it.

Of note: Richard Armitage has quite a set of pipes, and can sing like Durin himself.

3) The Dwarves. Okay, sure, there are too many, and in the film, a couple of them feel completely superfluous, but this is Tolkien, and when you're turning a short novel into three feature length films, you're certainly not cutting anything.

Of note: there is an Orcish axe permanently embedded in Bifur's head. Please don't let this come up in dialog in the later films. Like Legolas surfing down the stairs of the deeping wall at Helm's Deep, if you're cutting anything, it ought to be this nonsense.

4) Radagast. I'm pretty well split in my opinion of Radagast. On the one hand, some of the foolishness he portrays in the film does fit with how he is described in Middle Earth canon, but I was still annoyed by a lot of it, because he is, after all, one of the Istari, a Maiar, and I just couldn't swallow him as quite such a bumbling old fool. That said, a Facebook friend of mine, Paul Genesse, wisely pointed out that this could all be subterfuge on Radagast's part, and his point is somewhat well supported when Radagast actually has a moment of strength at Dol Guldur.

Of note: pipe weed is not marijuana. Saruman certainly talks about the Halfling's leaf slowing Gandalf's wits in the books, but the smoking was much funnier, less silly, and more subtle in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

And this post is getting way too long. I'll have to continue it some day soon. For now, I'll just add that if someone out there could edit out the two egregiously overdone CGI sequences that I could not stand (stone giants, and falling bridges in the goblin kingdom) I think we'd have a very good, if not excellent, film on our hands (preferably the 2D standard frame rate version).

What do you all think? Has anyone seen all three versions? I'm particularly interested in hearing about the 3D standard frame rate format.

The QQQE Massive.

Who Am I?

I'm the father of two beautiful young ladies, three lazy cats and one adorable German Shepherd. Together we live in the mountains of north Georgia amid my endless collection of vinyl records.
I run this blog in an attempt to help other novice writers avoid the mistakes I made in the beginning of my road to publication. Believe me, I made many.