Why Do We Cheat?

I have been hard at work preparing my presentation for The 4th International Conference on the Future of Monogamy and Nonmonogamy. Ironically, I am the first speaker Saturday morning, February 14th. Yup, that’s right! Valentine’s Day! How hilarious is that?! I’m going to go up there and speak publicly about my polycule and how it came to be on a day when many people around the country are dedicating the day to their “One and Only”, doing everything that they can to make them feel special and like there is no one else that even holds a candle to their beloved. Yet, I have two beloveds. Many of you do too (or three or four).

I am very excited to go to this conference to meet other like-minded individuals, as well as have the opportunity to speak in front of at least what I am thinking is a poly-curious, open-minded group. I am hoping that having a real live polyamorous woman there telling her story and offering her insights will be potentially mind-blowing for many audience members. It will also be a privilege and honor to be your “voice” as a representative of this awesome community that we are building here. I want to do you all justice in championing our collective cause of relationship and loving-style freedom of choice, tolerance and acceptance.

As the days get closer to actually giving the presentation, I have been quietly freaking out. I have written, scrapped, started all over, and rewritten the presentation three times now. This past Saturday night, my husband was trying to help me as he has given many presentations in his career. Whereas I have given exactly zero. Zilch. Nadda. None. But I am passionate about this topic, and I believe that I can rock this given the proper preparation, motivation and support. To move me along, my husband took all of my notes, my goals and took a stab at what he thought might be a good presentation – one he would give if he were giving it. Bless his heart for really “getting in the weeds” with me and digging deep on a Saturday night to try to get me to calm the fuck down and believe in myself and this presentation. When he was done. A lightbulb went off! Seeing someone else give my talk stirred me up in just the right way. NO! That presentation was not right! Some great points and facts in there, which I’m totally gonna steal. But it’s not my voice. I want to tell my story very truthfully, baring my soul, with a touch of silliness in an effort to get them to connect with me and my message. I started all over and the hubs and I brainstormed as he got behind and understood what I was trying to do.

Here is the current working title. I welcome your feedback and your input. Please think to yourselves, what would YOU like to hear if I was giving a presentation in your town?

Polyamory vs. Cheating(Lessons from a former serial monogamist)

As I have been preparing the visual aids and writing up my talk, I have been doing lots of research, looking up statistics, reading articles, reading books such as More Than Two (great book so far, by the way!). And I’ve been getting down and dirty with the concept of … Why Do We Cheat? Hmmmm, why did I cheat in the past? Why have any of YOU cheated in the past?

Here are some of my reasons for cheating before I discovered and fell in love with ethical non-monogamy / polyamory:

The thrill of it – Maybe I was bored, maybe my relationship with person A was starting to fizzle out, and person B seemed more interesting. A lot of my relationships “overlapped” – meaning I cheated on one before I dumped him, and left him for the next hot thing. What a jerk I was. But that’s the truth.

Upgrading – In my quest for “The One”, I kept trying to constantly update my man, thinking the guy I married was like “the prize”, the blue ribbon. I wanted to win the “best” one. What a fool I was! And what a silly “disney” thought. But that was the cool-aid I was drinking at the time.

Feeling “naughty” – Hey, let’s face it – it can be damn exciting to cheat. It feels like you are “getting away with something” (unless of course you get caught, which to my knowledge, I never did).

“Better” sex – Maybe sex is starting to get too “comfortable” or you’re “going through the motions” with guy #1. Whereas guy #2 is fresh meat. You don’t know yet how he kisses, how he touches you, what he smells like. It’s all exciting and new.

New emotional bonds – Getting to know new people is fun, right? And wow, this new guy likes me and what I’m all about! How refreshing! Maybe we start to feel like we are being taken for granted by guy #1. It’s always nice to feel truly appreciated.

As I did my research, some of what I read made me laugh out loud. For sure, almost all of the articles are written with monogamy in mind. Phrases like: “56% of men who have affairs claim to be happy in their marriages” and “Most men are still in love with their wives when they cheat” make me giggle. Maybe some of these men who have affairs have a polyamorous streak in them that they are denying? In my circle, both my husband as an example and my friend’s partner are very happily married, yet have girlfriends whom they also adore. Maybe it’s time for more people to consider thinking outside the box? With polyamory in mind, this one also made me chuckle: “A lot of women think that all cheating women are floozies – not true. The relationships are usually friendships first.” Haha! Why do many (the “haters”) always like to point the figure and yell “Slut!” first? Also, of course many “cheatees” are friends first (whether old friends or colleagues). It’s natural and human to connect and embrace friendships with other human beings that we like or care about. Cheating happens when we break our agreements, whatever they are, without consent.

Here are some of the other reasons I found given in an article for why people “cheat”:

The romance is gone – Both men and women like the “romance” aspect of relationships. Sometimes in the “companionate” love part of relationships, we cheat because we “suffer in silence, believing we can’t get what we want from our spouses.” How sad, when perhaps just having a frank, heartfelt conversation to express our true feelings, and then plan “date nights” might help solve that.

Men cheat to “save their marriages” – “Men love their spouses, but they don’t know how to fix their relationship problems, so they go outside their marriages to fill any holes. Men want it all and have the skewed notion that another woman will make the longing for something more disappear.” First off, again with the not knowing how to communicate our true needs with our spouse. I think it is highly important to any human in any relationship to bone up on great communication skills. And hoping the “longing for something more will disappear” just reeks to me of “trying to pray the gay away,” doesn’t it?

Men hate themselves after affairs – Cheaters tend to “despise themselves after their indiscretions, and feel like a piece of garbage. After all, he’s betraying another human being who he claims to care about.” Amen to that. THIS is why I finally made a vow to myself to stop cheating. I *hated* hating myself. I hated being “THAT” person. The jerk. With the lack of integrity. I didn’t want that to be my legacy. I wanted to work on my own self-respect.

At the very end of the article, it states in regards to whose to blame for indiscretion:

“The ‘fault’ is that the signs of disconnection have been ignored by both parties.”

THAT is the crux of the matter, isn’t it? The partners need to put their “big boy pants on” and realize that there were signs of disconnection, and they were ignored, not discussed, not addressed.

Good luck with your presentation, just remember to picture all the people naked! LOL

Seriously I think you should also consider the “why” from the gender side of the equation. While not poly, we are swingers and i think there is a big difference between why I like to get together with someone new versus why wifey likes to.

Thank you so much! I am nervous and excited for the presentation. Picturing them naked will be good fun! I did consider talking about the gender aspect of the “why.” However, when I read about the typical things about men and women, I feel that I am very “guy-like” in my thinking sometimes. I wonder if there are more like me out there. I think it’s more of a human condition than a male or female condition to want to cheat. Plus I only have so much time to speak. LOL

I don’t think there is anything unusual about you “thinking like a guy”, after all we let our little buddy make all of our decisions for us and it’s only fair that women should do the same dumb stuff we do!

My wife also is really guy like especially when she’s with another woman. She will be much more aggressive and less lady like in how she takes care of one of her girlfriends. Most girls like to play with a girl’s clit but wifey likes to jam her fingers in the hole. She’s demanding of satisfaction and woe be those who stop before she gets off. Sometimes I get the feeling she is just using me but I’ll have to ask my little buddy what he thinks?

#1 and #3 feel very alike, vis-a-vis reasons for cheating. As a former serial monogamist myself–I cheated in every single relationship I had until my current one–I do understand that there’s a difference between them, but if you’re going to hit both points, you might want to go out of your way to triple-underline the difference in red. I can’t remember where I read it, probably The Five Love Languages (it wasn’t my fault! blame couples counseling!), but I read a bit a while back about the high at the beginning of a relationship and how people are often looking to sustain that rather than the relationship itself, which to me is what #1 is all about. Putting on the big boy pants kind of takes the shine off the apple. As a recent Adderall addict–they started me on it in May 14–those first few days of meth high when you feel like you can take on the friggin’ WORLD, and you can do it with no food or sleep, that’s what that initial relationship high reminds me of. And then, three weeks later, when you’ve tailed off to maintenance level, you’re wondering where that feeling went. I totally understand how people get addicted to street meth. And to relationship highs. A lot better than I did before last May.

Actually, the whole reason I started writing was to say “Berkley! Bah! You should totally come hang out in Columbus this fall at Beyond the Love!”

Hahaha! Yes, thank you kindly for catching that typo and so fast! I fixed it lickity-split as soon as I saw your comment. I’ve been burning the midnight oil both with my business and getting prepared for this presentation, so my eyes are getting a bit blurry. Apparently I cannot work well with no food or sleep. Haha!

I actually LOVE the book The Five Love Languages and suggest it on a slide for my presentation! Haha! So no judgement here! Yes, I like what you are saying. Love and New Relationship Energy are like a drug, aren’t they? And yes, keeping the love alive can start to seem like work, eh? That book does indeed touch on alot of that – how to keep the loving feelings going on for the long haul. And it doesn’t just happen.

And ha, thanks for saying that! I actually submitted a proposal to speak at Beyond the Love last year, and they turned me down! (It turned out to be OK because timing wise, I ended up meeting a good poly friend of mine in the flesh on that same weekend, so karma can be awesome!). If you know of anyone who runs Beyond the Love, feel free to put in a good word for me and I’ll submit again for this coming fall. Would love to meet you and your OH mates in person!

Sometimes you can talk about the disconnects… and nothing changes; when a couple realizes some major changes are needed to repair their relationship, eh, that’s too much like work and makes cheating look easier to do.

When I did some revenge cheating after my wife cheats on me, I felt bad about for about ten minutes because I stooped to her level and broke the rules… then I said, “Fuck it…” and began to see how the rules of monogamy, while all nice and proper, does nothing to allow a person to see to their needs and puts them in the position of letting someone else do this.

Yes, you can cheat and be happily married; you can cheat on your spouse and still love them. Why do we cheat? We cheat when our needs aren’t being met as expected. We cheat because monogamy allows no recourse when, for whatever reason, a disconnect occurs and cannot be fixed except by divorce and that’s not always the smart move to make. It’s not likely you’re gonna get your spouse to agree to opening up the relationship and to whatever degree is required – like Larry and his wife being swingers – cheating is the only real “choice” at hand other than doing nothing and being miserable until death do you part.

While there are a gazillion reasons for cheating, we overlook the most obvious reason: monogamy just doesn’t work the way they say it should; one person just cannot realistically provide for all needs a spouse may have. Cheating happens when someone can no longer let their needs go unattended and they get tired of sacrificing themselves for the sake of being monogamous but, again, divorce isn’t the answer.

“If you can’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will.” This is something I learned about relationships as a whole and it is damned true – but a lot of people don’t believe it and believe that such a thing should never happen… until it does. I learned that if I don’t want this to happen, I need to do whatever is necessary to keep it from happening and, yeah, including negotiated infidelity In the form of polyamory. It’s seen as unethical but, damn it, it works…

Good points Kdaddy, I think that most “straight” couples cheat at one time or another but we need to be straight with this. Personally “cheat” is a stake driven through my heart and along with “whore” are two words that I never use. I don’t know if I could be poly or not long term, I have problems juggling one significant other much less two or three. It’s a lot easier just to see them on Saturday night and then send them off with their hubby. Much less maintenance. LOL

No one wants to be known as a cheater even when it’s authorized and it doesn’t help when the diehard monogamous folks are waving the flag of morality at every turn and saying that cheating is cheating no matter what the reason. Still, many of us know that this isn’t really the truth because the state of our relationship is our responsibility so if we say it ain’t cheating then it isnt.

kdaddy23, I have to say, I think this is the best comment you have posted on my blog EVER! Thank you! And very timely indeed as I work on my presentation. I hear you on how it can feel like too much work to communicate, work on the relationship or figure out how to “keep that loving feeling” – cheating is easier. And some, “Say so be it! Screw guilt!” I get that. Everything you said is as usual, spot on and very insightful coming from your eyes and your experience. We will cheat for different reasons, and from our own viewpoint and life experience. You should write a blog! Haha!

One thing though: I don’t see polyamory as “negotiated infidelity”. I don’t see it as infidelity at all, because it is with consent and knowledge. To me, that is not unethical, it IS ethical. What are your thoughts on that? This is all really helping me, thank you. I wish you could pop over to CA to see me present. 🙂

All of you commenting here: seriously, you guys are all amazing and awesome! I am gathering all of your comments and ideas and will do my best to present this all to the best of my ability. Your thoughts will be heard at a conference!

As a fan of polyamory, I feel it is ethical if only because there’s no intent to harm your primary partner; it is all about the enhancement of the core relationship and being free to do what comes naturally (but is being suppressed): To love openly and freely and, without any shame, yeah – the sex and other intimacies can be life-changing.

“Negotiated infidelity” is a term I picked up watching a NatGeo special on alternative relationships and, yeah, it fits because if you’re gonna step outside the relationship norms, the smart people negotiate this instead of just going out and doing their dirt which, again, is easier because it is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission. And we know that asking permission and getting it works a hell of a lot better for everyone involved. It’s not easy to do but,again, the smart couple makes it a project of sorts so that it can be made easier.

Hell, I wouldn’t mind presenting myself and I’m used to doing presentations for large audiences!

Now, is it ethical to have a relationship with someone when you’re already in a committed relationship? Most would say that it is because it’s not the generally accepted way to have a relationship; it’s not what were taught (if we’re taught anything at all). Those of us who can embrace polyamory have learned that what we’ve been told and taught isn’t the whole truth, that this can be done with relationship-like ethics in place and, yeah, some of those ethics are the ones we bring with us from being monogamous, like stability, adherence to the rules, and other things.

Is it infidelity? Most would say that anything you’d do that would break the rules qualifies, from bonking the cute chick you saw at the bus stop to merely thinking about it or, gasp, having a little cybersex or even a very long distance cyber relationship. Anything that doesn’t keep you faithful to your partner is infidelity… except when you change the conditions to either eliminate infidelity or seriously narrow the scope of it because, sure, you can be poly and infidelity can strike, right? If you take away the things that can cause infidelity, it’s no longer infidelity, is it?

One last thing and I’m done. The thing we of the poly persuasion ultimately realize is that one person cannot possibly provide us with all that we need; monogamy just doesn’t allow for such things. We realize that we can love our partner, stay with them for a lifetime but still explore love to its fullest with others. I’m not ever gonna say that monogamy doesn’t work for everyone be use it does – just not for all of us b amuse we realize that it’s too confining, too rigid, and we as a person and a couple just cannot grow to realize our full potential.

That’s how I see it – and that’s my final answer!

February 4, 2015 at 4:47 pm

Alphred

I think the core reason that’s unexplored in this is that some people just can’t stop themselves sometimes. Like eating all the way to the bottom of the Pringles can, even when you know it’s awful for you, and you know you are going to feel sick after. Who hasn’t done that? It’s not thrilling. You may not be hungry. Pringles aren’t that amazing. But, there they are and you are going to do it anyway. The rest of the reasons sound to me to be rationalization, because people want a reason that’s better than I wanted to and I just couldn’t stop.

The person who doesn’t know that ethical non-monogamy is possible and can’t stop themselves is going to cheat because they don’t have the tools and the liberty to do it ethically. In most of our lives, we let ourselves have a little liberty with self indulgences. Most people won’t look down on you if you drink responsibly, gamble responsibly, use a vulgar term from time to time when it’s called for, or spend too much on shoes once in a while. We have tools for allowing these indulgences ethically, and intervening when they are not. But monogamy is an absolute for many. So, for many, the tools simply do not exist to deal ethically when desire beats reason to the action center in your brain.

I’m not suggesting that everyone is going to cheat in matters of sex and romance. That time you just can’t stop might be eating that last slice of cheesecake from the fridge. But it’s going to be something. Everyone has moments when they just can’t stop. Ethical non-monogamy provides a structure so that non-monogamy doesn’t have to be cheating. What a gift. Just like you can agree to get the next dessert when you eat that last slice of cheesecake, and who would begrudge you then, you can agree to be non-monogamous ethically. Everyone gets more sex, love, and dessert.

Also, I think you meant to write “and my friend’s married boyfriend are very happily married, yet have girlfriends whom they also adore.” So, true.

Thank you so much for contributing to the conversation here. You rock! I had not thought of “some people can’t stop themselves,” perhaps because in my experience, I KNOW I could have stopped myself. But I get the idea. If I am in bed with a man naked, there certainly are things that I can’t stop myself from doing. So yes, I get that. But for me, I could have stopped myself from allowing myself to ever get in the situation of being naked in bed with an attractive man in the first place! I LOVE the food analogy. Perfect!

Yes, indeed, I wholeheartedly agree with you that many don’t even know ethical nonmonogamy is an option, thus don’t have the tools and the freedom to act ethically. All very true and reasonable. I am hoping that each day, more and more tools and information are out there for the taking. Thats’s partly what this blog, and this conference are all about. And your words here are extremely helpful to me! You are AWESOME! 🙂 (I also think I know who you are, so I will tell you in person next time I see you. Haha!)

Yes, my wordsmith-y friend, you caught an odd error in that sentence that my bleary eyes did not see. It was confusing anyway. I re-wrote it.

Great discussion. It has reminded me of “Sex at Dawn” by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. I highly recommend it.

While the book has been criticized as being not particularly scientific in its approach to anthropology, it is a fascinating read that blows the lid off western ideas of the way sexual relationships are “supposed to be”.

I was thinking about these posts and the idea that cheating is pretty normal and realized that, in the broad scope of human history, it is strict monogamy that may be rather unnatural. While there is some argument for acquiring and keeping a mate for genetic reasons, security, and sexual access, there is a lot more fluidity in our relationships than that model would suggest.

Seeing monogamy as the only true path is denying our nature in a big way.