As I sit here scouring the internet yet again for job listings and/or places I'd like to cold-call for work, I can't even begin to describe how obsolete, worthless, scared and full of despair I feel.

I have been either rejected, am not needed (no jobs available), or am expected to do work I can't do, at all of the places I have applied to so far. The exception is one place that only needs me about 10 hours per month and is pretty much teetering at the edge of bankruptcy, so I have no idea if I'll have any work the next week or not.

It seems I have two options:1.) apply for work doing cleaning or cooking, since it's high turnover and rarely requires experience, or2.) find full-time work doing something I'm skilled in and spend my off hours liquidating my store.

I can't express why considering either of those is so hard for me, because I don't really know myself. But it has something to do with feeling like all of my dreams are falling apart, and that I have utterly wasted 11 whole years of my life living some fantasy. Why is it so goddamn hard for me to just shut up and do the things I know I have to?

Silver lining: I know what I'll talk about at group therapy today, if I can get out of this chair.