Personal Fears

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, and something inspired me to reach out. Lately, I have been writing in my journal every few days to get my thoughts out and share my feelings, sometimes they’re too personal to say to someone else. I used to journal all the time but stopped when I was with my ex because I never felt secure enough or like I had any privacy to write. I started back up again and wrote something that I was surprised about. Sometimes my personal writing goes in all sorts of directions because I’m writing for myself so I will write the first thing that comes to mind. This time I was shocked where my writing had led me.

The first thing that I wrote in my journal was “I should never have feared being alone, or not being in a relationship, I should have feared the wrong companionship.”

The second thing I wrote was “I am proud of who I’ve become.”

It shook me that I wrote that. I can never say these words out loud, and because I had stopped journaling, they have never come out. Sure, I will say it on a blog or on a Facebook post, but there is something so uplifting about writing it down in your personal journal, it makes it more meaningful.

I’m not saying I will never be in another relationship, but I am saying I have raised my standards, I will not give up my freedom for a man, and I will not be confined by a man. There are certain things I will do for me, to keep myself whole in a relationship. When I start fearing companionship is when I will leave.

A little over a year ago I had thought my life was over, I was horribly sad, and waited way too long for a man who didn’t want me for who I am. I wasn’t proud of myself, I was a shell of a person who let others dictate life. I am no longer that person and good freaking god I am so damn proud of myself, and the fact that my wandering mind came to the same conclusion is a reason to celebrate.

Next week I will be going to Aruba, which I would have never dreamed about, and I will be going with my best friend. Finally the birthday trip I never had.

Well done you a thousand times. It’s very easy to get “lost” in a relationship. I’ve made numerous mistakes but have strangely only realised them now that I have found someone who brings out the real me, the very best version of me. It’s been a long and painful journey but I wish that I had worked on myself before trying to make myself the perfect person for someone else. You go girl! Katie xx

Good for you! I’ve also only recently started to become proud of who I was and I know just how difficult it is to actually say the words out loud.
Also, you will have a BLAST in Aruba. The island was our final cruise port for our honeymoon and even though we only spent 8 hours there, I cried when we left. It is absolutely stunning. Make sure to have some coconut milk if you get a chance!

Well written. Finding our love for ourselves is one of the more difficult things to do in life, but so worth it because then we value ourselves enough to wait for someone who values us just as much. Go girl!

Speaking as a man, I can’t understand why some men feel the need to control girlfriends or wives. I don’t know what it does for them. I once knew this “man” who even went to the extreme of picking all of his wife’s clothes for her, she wasn’t allowed to choose her own stuff. The husband was very strange and he tried the control thing at work with other men and got a big surprise when he was told to f off constantly. I am happy for you, the right man is out there and you will find him.