Parody #17

Does wanting to buy Switch games make your wallet cry? Are Switch games too expensive for you? Well then, if you drive down to the Malstrom Mart, I have something for you…

It is a game console that will allow you to play cheaper versions of Switch games. The catch? You may miss a few things that you wouldn’t use anyway.

“How do I buy Switch games for a cheaper price?” you ask.

Buy a Wii U.

Above: It plays Switch games for less! Who knew this was Wii U’s secret feature?

Yes, folks, with a Wii U, you will be able to play almost ANY Switch game for a substantially cheaper price, and they gain financial value faster.

“But Malstrom, it is true you can play the Wii U game around the home outside the TV, but the Wii U is too bulky to be a true portable system.”

That’s OK, so is the Switch. But the Wii U does have a killer feature that the Switch doesn’t…

“What is this killer feature? I must know it!”

A functional D-pad!

Above: Look! A wonderful D-pad! Did you spend $80 to for a Switch Pro Controller to have a shitty D-Pad? Sucker! Now Nintendo will sell you half decade old games again for full price! Sucker! Sucker! Sucker!

Zelda: Breath of the Wild. It is available for the Wii U as the Switch offers no real advantage over the Wii U version.

On one part of a hill, the Switch was able to maintain 30fps while the Wii U struggled, but in some ruins the situation was flipped. Digital Foundry hypothesizes that this is due to a “hidden bottleneck” and could suggest that the game’s open world is partitioned differently on both platforms.

Sure, the DLC is separate, but the money you save from buying this edition, plus the DLC, is still cheaper than the Switch version. “But Battle Mode!” With Mario Kart 8 physics? Bah hahahaha!

Switch version: 1280 x 720p

Wii U version: 960 x 720p

Switch price: $60

Wii U price: $25ish

Switch Version: $60 New

Wii U Version: $20 New

Difference between Switch and Wii U versions? Breath of the Wild outfits in Switch version!

Can someone open the door? I must rush out, RIGHT NOW, to buy Hyrule Warriors for the Switch because of the addition of Breath of the Wild costumes. Hold me, reader. It is too much! OMG!

Price? Switch is $60. Wii U version is still around $25. The difference more than covers the DLC cost… if you even want it. Hell, it is $40 on the 3DS with all the DLC (minus BoW clothing, OMG, BoW clothing, hold open the door for me reader…).

Switch price: $60

Wii U price: $30-??? (this one can go up)

Wii U version includes BOTH GAMES ON PHYSICAL MEDIA. Switch version only has Bayonetta 2 with 1 as a ‘download option’.

Wii U: get a physical version.

Switch: download only

Switch: Pay $60.

Wii U: $18 New

The real question is what Switch games exist that aren’t ports of the Wii U. Mario Odyssey and… Kirby? Fire Emblem Warriors… (snore).

How about a PS4 port, reader?

“Sure, Malstrom, that’ll be just fine…”

Switch: $60

Any other Version: $30 or less…

How about a Xbox 360 port to go along with that?

“Of course! And I will sing praises to the publisher for allowing me to pay full price for a game that came out half a decade ago…”

Switch: $60

Xbox 360: $10

Be a savvy customer and save your wallet! Buy a Wii U to play Switch games for a quarter of the price….

“But why doesn’t Nintendo port over the second best selling Wii U title for the Switch?”

Above: Strangely missing from the ports to Switch….

A good question, reader. It makes you think there is a reason for Nintendo to port EVERYTHING but 2d Mario…