what is one day? (I don't want tomorrow to happen.)

4 October 2009

I can’t do it…. I thought I’d be okay, but I can’t do it.

I’m about two steps from loosing it completely…

I just don’t want to acknowledge tomorrow. I want to hide under the covers, knock myself out with whatever I can, and just wait until October 6th — because surely everything will be better the day after.

In the end, what is one day?

There’s just so many emotions wrapped up in all of this. It’s more than just missing her and the fact that she’s gone. It’s the fear of losing others, the fear of how I’m going to go. It’s the loneliness and longing to be loved. It’s the empathy for all the pain my father and my sisters must be going through, for what my brother is going through… That I wasn’t there, that I didn’t go see her more that last year. That I can’t reconcile that I still have and love my mom, and I that I do feel blessed to have my stepmom in my life, but yet I’ve still lost a parent, I’ve lost a mom.

Tomorrow is a painful scar on my calendar. That three years out, I can’t accept that this is something you cannot get over. That I’ll never stop crying.

There is so much in these tears. There is just too much weight held in this one day. Too much carried over from all these other issues. I don’t want tomorrow to happen. I don’t want to deal with the fact that tomorrow happened three years ago.

be awesome:

I’m so sorry that you had to lose a parent. I constantly think about what that would be like, because I only have one that I have a real relationship with. Whatever you do, don’t try to stop yourself from being sad. You’re allowed to feel however you want on a day like today, no matter how many years it’s been!!

I’m reading this after the fact, so big HUGS. I hope the day went by quickly for you.

Losing someone close, parent or otherwise, is never easy. It’s an open wound that struggles to heal. And feeling that pain, especially on this particular day, is more than okay. If you were stoic and uncaring, not even flinching at the date, I’d truly be more worried than if the tears still flowed even three years later.

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