Thursday, April 17, 2008

Only Hillary Monster Clinton could combine perverse creativity with an absolute lack of decency to turn the politics of fear inward onto itself. Hillary isn't warning of an outside evil--she's on the klaxon warning us that John McCain will feast on the naive, innocent flesh of Barack Obama if given the chance.

It's a bizarre proof that even relatively bright people can't figure out very simple things.

Hillary Clinton is a fucking monster and her latest attempt to gather the support amongst rank and file voters and slow-to-announce superdelegates is to warn them that John McCain is a monster, too. Who better to fight an evil monster hellbent on the acquisition of power than another hell-spawned creature with zero conscience, right?

Is this really where we are after 15 months of campaigning? Sweet Baby Jesus playing air guitar while listening to Canned Heat on vinyl, people are sick.

It was bad enough when the media decided that actually talking about boring stuff like real policy and the direction of the country had to take a backseat to handicapping elections as if they were the 6th race at Evangeline Downs. Now, the politicians themselves are pitching themselves based on their own self-serving prognostication "skills".

If you needed one more reason to think Hillary Clinton is the embodiment of every fucked up aspect of American politics, last night's bizarre performance on ABC should've done the trick.

Clinton's big sales pitch is that she's been thoroughly "vetted" because Republicans and sane Democrats have hated her for decades. Thus, she has built up some kind of resistance to their mean-spirited attacks. She can handle those nasty RNC bastards. They've kicked her around for years and she's still standing. Obama, she warns, is a bit of an unknown. Sure, he's okay with us, but what's going to happen when the rabid devil dogs of the Republican hate machine start trying to chew off the very kneecaps she's been trying to shatter, huh?

If you fear Republicans, vote Hillary.

The politics of fear used to be about mobilizing voters around external threats. If you don't vote for me, the evil Ninjas are going to sneak into your closets and execute your children. If you don't vote for me, black guys are going to steal your kids at 3:00 a.m. while on a work furlough from the prison. Vote for me or something really fucking scary will make you die. It's a simple and time-tested bullshit equation.

Only Hillary Monster Clinton could combine perverse creativity with an absolute lack of decency to turn the politics of fear inward onto itself. Hillary isn't warning of an outside evil--she's on the klaxon warning us that John McCain will feast on the naive, innocent flesh of Barack Obama if given the chance.

It's a bizarre proof that even relatively bright people can't figure out very simple things. Clinton has been getting her pants suited ass handed to her on a regular basis from sea to shining sea because she's been unable to clue into the fact that a pretty fat portion of the electorate is sick and tired of attack politics, lying for power and general sleaziness. Now that her shot-snorting back is against the wall you'd think that she'd come to her senses and make an effort to show the world that maybe, just maybe, she isn't a monstrous bitch who's way to easy to hate.

No dice. She's doing the exact opposite. She's doing more of what put her in trouble in the first place. It's the most counter-intuitive thing I can imagine. If you're losing to hope and an idea that our politics can change it just doesn't make much sense to argue vociferously that the general election will inevitably be a hopeless and senseless bloodbath or that the only way for D-people to secure the highest office is by turning the old school politics up a notch.

Hillary is now selling the idea of a Monster when the voters have clearly expressed a preference for a Van Helsing.

The only possible way to sell that particularly malignancy--that you're worth a vote because you're the right Monster for the job--is to make people pee their pants at the prospect of facing a Republican Monster later. It's sick and wrong.

It's sick because it really is the same old shitty song at a higher volume. It's another chorus of politics as bloodsport. Another invitation to pick a candidate because their better at playing a noxious game.

It's dressed up in "fighter" lingo. That's just what we need, isn't it? We have a country with a government that seems to have about a 2% success rate on anything it tries to accomplish and the best way to fix the mess is to declare a neverending war on those who don't share your sentiments? Fuck persuading the other guy. Just needle him to death with bullshit, disable him and force something through with no regard for decency, honesty or honor. Awesome plan. It's really been working lately, huh?

Oh, and it's wrong because Barry O. has done a pretty damn good job of proving that you don't necessarily have to be a complete slimeball to engender support, increase interest and snare votes a-plenty. If the Monster Plan worked, Hillary wouldn't be on the losing end of this nomination process, would she?

I was watching John McCain at an AP function the other day. He was talking about his willingness to sit down with the Democratic candidate to try to come up with a way to decrease the influence of the 527s. McCain was one of the only Republicans who didn't sport wood after watching the Swiftboat freaks turn John Kerry into Ho Chi Minh's illegitimate lovechild. McCain promises a sincere and decent general election.

He won't be able to deliver with perfection. Not even close. Surrogates will go nuts. Hardliners will freak out. The media, unable to resist the opportunity to sink their vampiric fangs into the meat of make-believe scandal, will make things uglier than they need to be.

That being said, I don't think we're going to see the Rovian attack mutts this time around. That isn't McCain's game. Don't get me wrong, I don't think he's Mr. Awesome. I do, however, think he's a character cut or three above Geo. W. Bush.

And now that he's on record about not being a Monster, it'll be tough for him to get too nasty if he changes his mind. That's another reason why Hillary's scary campfire story is so lame. If there's ever been a time where the Democrats don't necessarily need an evil genius to duke it out in a Godzilla vs. Mothra spectacle, this is the time.

So, we have a doomed candidate who's only strategy seems to be positioning herself as a big enough asshole to battle another giant asshole even though that plan doesn't work and there may not be another asshole to fight.

And this is where we are after 15 months. I'll return to a simple three-word comment to summarize.

Yo Susan, care to make a wager? I've come to despise Senator Clinton with the white-hot heat of 10,000 suns. I've said for months that I will vote for her if she's the nominee, even though doing so now might very possibly result in a severe case of the dry heaves in my polling place.

However, if, as you predict, she becomes the nominee, I will not only vote for her, I will donate $25 to the Monster Fund if you'll agree to pony up $25 to Obama if he takes the nomination. Deal?

I'm sure we can work out some mode of verification that is mutually acceptable. What do you say? Got enough confidence in the Monster's ascendancy to put yer money where yer mouth is?