BREAKING: Tofu Won’t Turn You Gay and Make Your Dick Small

“One bite of me and your sense of style will improve, along with your earning power!”

Tofu has been said to do a lot of bad things to the male body: everything from enhancing manboobs, to decreasing libido and increasing the chances of shooting blanks.

Jim Rutz, spokesman for the House Church Community and self-described health-food guy, claims that because of high amounts of phytoestrogen, soy “use” leads to “a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion, and homosexuality.” That’s right, Jim Rutz says tofu turns you gay.

What Jim and people who make similar claims are ignoring is that the same phytoestrogens found in soybeans are also found in a ton of other plants, like onions, beans, grains and hops.

Yup, that’s right, hops. So, according to Rutz, drinking beer will also make you gay and shrink your manparts. And that hotdog bun at the baseball game? Estrogen. The baked beans at your summer BBQ?Estrogen. Onion blossoms at the steakhouse? Estrogen, estrogen, estrogen!

Fortunately for all the scrupulously heteronormative dudes out there, the phytoestrogen found in plants is very weak compared to the hormone found in humans, as little as 1/1000th as powerful. This study concluded that ingesting high quantities of plant estrogens had little to no effect on the maleparticipants, and that the effects shown are actually beneficial. (Women, plant estrogen turns out to be pretty good for you, too.)