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Florida Man Arrested for Aggressive Public Self-Abuse

Nobody knows why Elijah Slocumb felt the need to masturbate furiously in a public place, but he did it and he paid the price. According to a witness, the 35-year-old was spotted on Smathers Beach in Key West, FL having his way with himself so aggressively that "his whole body" was reportedly shaking. He was arrested and charged with lewd and lascivious exhibition, and the people who caught a glimpse of his violent jerk-session will forever be scarred.

Public masturbation has become the new "hello," and Smathers Beach will never be the same.