Thursday, August 30, 2007

When i was a young girl, I dreamed of a big wedding. All of my family would come. My "Husband's" family would not just be there but they would be my family. I am not an orphan, not by a long shot. I have so much family i don't think i have ever really met all of them. but when i think about it, I feel truly with out family. The people here in New Mexico that i thought of as family have changed so much or maybe that is me who changed and the little stuff that make people here happy no longer can keep my attention? I don't know but sense i have return to get my stuff i have been feeling numb. back to my original point then back to this point. I read once of "Don't love some one you can live with, Love the person you can't live without". I know I have some one like that. but you know what as long as they are in my life I'm good. Cuz you never leave the one you love for the one you like for the one you like will leave you for the one they love. I understand that, and with that i have come to a conclusion. I will most likely get married, and have a large brood of kids, at least 3 maybe. That is if i can even have kids. but just wanted to get that out there. Back to my feelings of loss of being here. I get looked at by friends that say "I want to be like you" or they just look of innocence. So i leave in like 20 some days, which is not long at all, but trying to get stuff done while playing the bullshit card. I really don't think any one knows I'm moving at all. I'm not quite where this is supposed to go, but just need to get it out i guess. I wish that i could get a hug from some one who truly cares for me. And maybe a good night text at night, I'm putting that out for Ryan personally.well if you have made it to this point you deserve a gold star or some thing. Maybe a cookie. but i don't have any right now. so i guess tough shit.I will post later, maybe some pics?NightK

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Hey it mid afternoon just got off the phone with Ryan, that make my whole fucking day. but on another note. I found a old CD of mine that is from a really happy time of my past. a few songs on it are:

Everything I do, I do for youHanging by a momentAll or NothingIn the EndThank youButterflyMy SacrificeInside OutSupermanIrisEverywhereEvery Breath You TakeI Could Fall in Love With Yousouth park skitIt's Been AwhileChop Suey

It's nice to look back a memories and not have to grimace. I remember being loved then and not being changed to fit into someone else idea of who i am suppose to be. FUCK THAT SHIT!!!!! I liked who i was before i moved. i don't really know who the FUCK i am now. I remember being strong, loving with out remorse *not in a sexual way*, and talking to who ever i FUCKing feel like it. I liked it when i did not have to pull teeth to fucking go out dancing.

I am stopping my censoring, if you can't FUCKING tell. I am putting it down how ever if fucking comes out. hahahaha hehehehe. Trust me its going to get a whole lot more interesting. Welcome to the Dark side. For we have cookies and beer!!!!!!!

Monday, August 27, 2007

So hear is the update. I had food poising on Saturday. vomited thru my nose, yeah me!!!I ended up fighting with Doug all day Sunday, all the way until around 3 in the morning. witch *hehe* is fine but nothing really got discussed, just round and round about really nothing. and he kept getting angry and i really didn't feel anything. my heart hurt but nothing really past that. does that make me a selfish bitch? Took most of my day today at the college watching Doug run around with his head cut off for a long time, which was told to me to be 20 mins. I had not eatin so kinda bitchy.

Today is Kings! Birthday, Mr 24 years!!!! wish i was there to give the spanking, heheheheh!! anyway hope he calls me after work tonight. have not heard from him in a couple of days so really want to hear his voice. he calms me down, even if its talk about nothing and quite time, i feel better.

Friday, August 24, 2007

OK so Doug and I went for a day trip to Riodoso, *totally spelled that wrong*, but we were on our way back to LasCruces because of a storm. so we stopped to get some gas for the car. having a good day. I start to smile cuz of some stupid thing that is going on and this is the conversation.

Katie: Smiling

Doug: your creeping me out.

Katie: Still smiling

Doug: I guess i can live with it, it won't last long. you and smiling never went together.

Katie: *gasp* and i am sad.

the rest of the trip was in silence.i guess another reason not to feel bad about moving. if i never smiled down here how was i happy?

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

To Be a Beauty, I guess you need some one to want to feel that way for. I feel like i have just crawled out of shit from how i feel sence i have gotten back. I am back in New Mexico if you could not tell. and i think they expect me to clean the fucking house before i leave sence that is the only way for me to get any of my stuff.

I hear your voice on the windAnd I hear you call out my name"Listen my child," you say to me"I am the voice of your history" "Be not afraid, come follow me""Answer my call and I'll set you free"I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rainI am the voice of your hunger and painI am the voice that always is calling youI am the voice, I will remainI am the voice in the fields when the summer's goneThe dance of the leaves when the autumn winds blow Ne'er doI sleep throughout all the cold winter longI am the force that in springtime will growI am the voice of the past that will always beFilled with my sorrows and blood in my fieldsI am the voice of the futureBring me your peaceBring me your peace and my wounds,they will healI am the voice in the wind and the pouring rainI am the voice of your hunger and painI am the voice that always is calling youI am the voiceI am the voice of the past that will always beI am the voice of your hunger and painI am the voice of the futureI am the voiceI am the voiceI am the voiceI am the voice

Thursday, August 16, 2007

So today is my last day here at Ryan's home. which does feel very comfy here for me and i have said that his home is my home more then once witch i find funny and kinda hopeful. I know i am jumping the gun on that but hey a girl can dream right. I was able to ask a question that i have wanted to ask for a while. he said yes and i just got so over joyed that i wanted to scream my happiness. and he is the only one who needs to know my question, and no matter how much you beg i won;t tell you! *sticks tongue out*

I go back on Tuesday the 21st. and i am scared. I know that moving back is a step forward its just hard to leave every one i know. I know that i will be closer to my family and a few people that i care about deeply. I know that the people who actulaly care about me want me to grow, and the ones that are the fucking players for the drama can fuck lick my *insurt odd word here*. anyway over that. just wanted to document the anger and sadness i am haveing about leaveing here, iowa and new mexico.

owww and King, you know who you are, I want you to know that even if i am to scared to say it in person, I try to show it but not sure if i am doing a good enough job. That I do still love you.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

OK so i have like less then a week left here before returning back to my living place. I don't feel like i have a home any more. I know that home is where you are loved but what the fuck man. I know what it is like for someone to love me, but to feel loved is entirely different. I feel lost, and having to go back and go hey I'm going to live here for a couple of weeks and kinda use you for survival, before i go back. thanks!I wonder what it would be like if the people i know would just tell me what they are feeling, just so i can know. I love you, I hate you, this really sucks how could you do this to me. you know just to understand and maybe it would help me out in the end.Any way that is the last of this for a couple of days, spending time at Ryan's. So going to have fun, maybe get some pictures taken, and just relax.And this is post 136, all for Ryan, he will understand!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Sunday, August 12, 2007

My weekend started with no sleep, yeah for me!!!!!! But got exciting quickly, at farmers market we got a mascot! a little juvenile big brown bat. was so cute and he hung right above my booth all morning until we all got up and start to leave. he then flew at me. i screeched and ducted my head. not that i was scared its just a habit of things flying at your face. he was placed in a box and another farmers marketer took him to the river to let him go. I hope he is doing good. he was soooooo cool. he was little bitty. very cute. The best thing about that was that my power animal is a brown bat. talk about a close encounter!

Looking forward to this week, going to make some memories to help me thru the hard time i am going to be having here in a week or so. I have i think 8 days left I'm not quite sure, but i feels like i have been here forever.

Once again wishing safety for Ryan on his trip.much love to allAnd to all a good night!K

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Well where to start? I have things i need to say to some one very dear to me, I tried to write a e-mail last night during my crying season. Did not think it would be the bast thing. I don't want to seem like I'm crazy. and just the fact that at the end of it before i closed the screen i type in "I wish you could read this so i don't feel like your ripping out my heart every time i see you, but you will never read this because i will never have the strength to send it" how sad right. I only have 10 days till i go back then I'll be back by my birthday. so I don't even know how to proceed to the future. I guess if i say what i am feeling i can always get over it if it does not work how i think it will. Going forward to my only option, going back is not. I wish i was strong enough to just do what i want. I have never been this scared in my entire life, even when i moved down to New Mexico. What the hell has happened to me?

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

My name is Katie and i am having a bad day. I want to cry but that is not coming very easily. I have all this stuff in my head that i want to say but can't. I am going to try and get some of it down here just so that i can have room to maybe sleep. I took some meds last night and they did not help at all. still kept waking up all night. I also got lucky and got a headache from it. yeah!!!! see my false happiness. Got to see Ryan which made it better, I guess he took some pics of me, i hope they turn out good so i can put them up here or in my own home soon. I am going to miss my friends from down there. but i figure i will be forgotten by most with in a few months. But back to Ryan, going to miss him he is going to go take pics of a wedding for a friend. he is driving across country kind of, but still sending him safety and love. can't have one with out the other, right? But i don't get to see him until next week. so tears for me. yeah, but we are having river fest this weekend so i might just get busy and sell all my jewelry this farmers market! that would be great. plus get to help at the women's abuse thing this weekend.Going back to New Mexico in 12 days, I'm excited to see every one i have missed all summer but also worried about how it will be with me moving back. I don't want to hurt any one but i kinda want to have a understanding you know. i don't want to leave and have people go "did Katie ever come back? did she die?" that would be bad. Plus i am going to have to give up my truck. That makes me sad. Going to leave the place i have called home for the past 3 years, leaving my dog and my cats. The rat is Norton's. Leaving Doug witch is kinda hard to think about. even if he has been a little bit of an ass. Its hard to leave that safety even if it is not good or stagnate. Its what you have learned as safe, and i an terrified to take my next step forward. I don't want to fall but the only way to grow is to fall right? get up go yep that didn't work lets try this. Maybe learn to love again. I understand now what Wendy told me once, we are human we love, and not one at a time either. we love our family while loving our friends, and the one we call ours. but i have more in each then just one. I guess the best way to say it is I am an alpha and i will love and protect what is mine. but its not mine mine just my family. might not be by blood but by heart. I think i got some out, i figure it looks OK to me and when i reread it tomorrow it will look completely unreadable. so but thanks for reading.

No doubt that you've warmed up to the idea of marriage and life long loveYou just aren't quite ready to follow up with your desires, yet.You may be a bit young, or a bit commitment phobic... give it time.Concentrate on guys who you can imagine being with next year. Forever can wait.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMother fucker!!!!!!! fuck fuck fuck fuck! I hate this! i hate this!!! why the fuck does it have to be this way????????????????????????? What the fuck do i want???????????

Thursday, August 02, 2007

I am having a very interesting day. got up early had a lot of fun with a very special person *silent very happy sigh*, got to check a few things off my list of things to do before I die. but also added some, and if you guys don't mind i might share a few. anyone objecting? no one? OK here i go.

I am on my female week and for the lady's they know that during that week you have those craving days right? well i am having one right now, its great but yet at the same time kinda have an itch you know? well thought number one was to have your clothing riped from you body in the spur of the moment by someone who just wants you that badly. damn that is hott!!!! Three some sounds nice right now, 4,5,6, i don't know I'm just very horny. well i can't tell you any more cuz some one i know might read this and you know who you are and i need to keep at least one to myself for later.