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Turkey: Rhymes with dysfunction

Do you dare bring a date home for Thanksgiving – to meet the family?

Imagine the smell of the turkeyroasting in the oven and the sight of luscious pumpkin pies and plump mincemeat pies sitting on the buffet. Cubes of yellow butter melting on mounds of steaming mashed potatoes. The dining room aglow with orange votive candles and a massive centerpiece of fall colored chrysanthemums gracing the table.

Dishes piled with green beans and sweet carrot soufflé, bowls of ruby red cranberries, and pomegranates and tangerines all crowded on the kitchen counter. A veritable food festival with friends and family –and, some ‘Strangers in the night.’

Peggy in Houston writes last year she was graced with, “A cast of cousins straight out of Central Casting, Seven Dwarves style: Grumpy, Dopey, Snarky, Chatty, Smokey, Sneezey, and Boozy.”

Mitch in Walnut Creek revealed he is ‘blessed’ with an Aunt Can’t Edit, who blurts unseemly comments and slightly embarrasses the entire family in one fell swooping comment.

Okay, kids, so Thanksgiving will never be a Norman Rockwell painting. Granted, for many of us it will be more like “The Scream” Each year we are fortunate to gather, gobble and go. Count your blessings. Bring your current sweetheart home to meet the family? Tomes have been written about courage and bravery – you decide: will this exposure to your kin be a coup de grace or a potential triumph? Good luck.

The family… a strange little band of characters trudging through life… inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. ~Erma Bombeck

Oh, Happy Day Last year, six of us volunteered at three different soup kitchens and were turned away. There were too many volunteers. That’s what I’m talking about.

The Mad Dash of the Holidays is Here: I refuse to count the daze. This year I’m going to float down the stream of Christmas consciousness and revel in friends, fun, simplicity and sanity. All aboard.

The Day after Thanksgiving and all through the house,

not a creature was shopping- all were watching football, talking, laughing, reading, washing dishes – a meditation- walking, riding bikes, going to see Harry Potter, or RED– and avoiding getting mauled at any mall. Double dare you toBuy Nothing

Been around the ‘Dating Block’ enough times to be an Official Survivor Storyteller?

After years of being married to Mr. or Mrs. Wrong and the ensuing divorce, many of us quickly sign up for Internet dating.

Inspired by those romantic eHarmony ads on TV, we bite.

They say every day 15,000 people fill out the infamous questionnaire.

It can take in excess of 90 minutes to complete the extremely long questionnaire: comprised of 426 seemingly inane questions covering 29 dimensions.

Who knew there was life after the Fifth Dimension?

Finally, you pay hefty $70 for a one month membership. Harmony claims the quality of the service and that “sophisticated matching algorithm” and personality analysis, are so worth it…really?

Good News- Bad News

Shortly thereafter, you receive an analysis of your personality and a description of your “Perfect mate” Okay. Most of us are seduced by flattery and eHarmony will send quirky pages of prose extolling your virtues. You may be honest, loyal, and steadfast like a Boy Scout. Or Dull and Eclectic, eccentric and exceptionally unusual. To say eHarmony paints with a broad brush only begins to describe the way they analyze your attributes.

Be Prepared: People in the know, claim “EH employees” like “Don in Delhi and Mark in Mumbi are cranking out pretty bizarre Personality Reports – broken English, outlandish claims (i.e. your carry sunshine in a bag; you are walking the streets of Hollywood. What?)

Bottom line? Skip the out-sourced Indian gibberish report.

Everyone wants to see a long list of perfect matches -Prince or Princess Charmings. In the TV ads, couples evidently connected at breakneck speed. There seemed to be a lot of happily- ever- after- going on, right?

Hurry Up and Wait

Then, much to your chagrin, you learn what the term ‘Glacially slow’ means. A glacier moves one tiny fraction of a millimeter of an inch every several thousand days – just like eHarmony. Okay, so my exact glacier mass measurements are fiction — but the fact that eHarmony is slow is pure fact. Be prepared to wait, for a very long time.

Expect singles from The A States ( Arkansas, Alamaba, Arizona, and Alaska) to contact you. It happens.

Just like Christmas Morning

Anne, an eHarmony escapee and one of the Yoga Babes said this about her so-called perfect matches:

“One man lived 95 miles away and was three inches shorter than I am in my stocking feet. Lauren, a cattle rancher near Reno liked chess and NASCAR. Me? Not so much. He was ten years older than I am. Next, Frank of Santa Rosa (doesn’t anybody live in San Francisco?) was a pilot, a triathlete and made his own tofu. Granted, I have a preconceived notion about triathlons and I won’t try an athlete who trains 20 hours a week.

I want a guy who likes to walk on the beach, not swims to Alcatraz; I like taking a leisurely ride through Golden Gate Park; not at breakneck speed.

The final ‘exact match’, or so they claimed, was Roland from Fresno. He liked cigars, port, his Bible and his six greyhounds- dogs, not buses. My allergies kicked in, just reading his profile. We didn’t have a thing in common. So, what I hoped would be like ‘Christmas morning’ was more like three lumps of coal. I quit after one month of disappointment. I’m now on Match.com and happier with the results.”

Worth a Try?

One size does not fit all and there are tens of thousands of very happy members on eHarmony. The website is a treasure trove of opportunities. You can order flowers, Fandango tickets, buy insurance, and, yes even prescription drugs and there are pages and pages of pretty mild dating advice. Seriously. It may be a perfect fit for your lifestyle and expectations.

You don’t know until you’ve done some research. Have fun on the quest.

This was sent to Page Larkin

by Evelyn J. age 88

A Real Man

A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she’s the most beautiful woman in the room

and will enable her to be her most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible self.

No, wait! I’m sorry…I’m thinking of wine.

Never mind.

.

Page Larkin, San Francisco author, dating coach and dating docent

offers a Three-hour Dating Mojo workshop every month.

“Online Dating: Get Your Mojo Moving” in San Francisco

Saturdays TBA 10 AM to 1 PM

Cost: $49

*Limit: eight to a class

Bring your current online dating profile, photos and a Dream Date List (more information with Enrollment) an open-mind, a sense of humor, and a desire to get in the dating game to play and win.

Enroll at Page.Larkin@gmail.com ********

Here are 5 Easy Waysto get ‘Back in the Dating Saddle’ and ride off into sunset

You’re not alone. There are 20+ million singles back in the dating game. Like you, many singles are bored playing Solitaire and are ready to play a rousing game of Hearts. Get out of the house and join a walking, hiking, biking, rowing, kayaking, birding, debate, tennis, ping-pong, or spelunking club. See Meetup.com for hundreds of organizations in your zip code.

Adopt and embrace the C’est la vie Attitude. You know, life is short and why waste time? Refrain from perching over a phone waiting for it to ring or checking text/emails 10 times a day. Your mother was right: “Go outside and play.” It’s up to you – perform the ‘due diligence’ and find out where the action is (See: Top Ten Places to Meet Men and Women in Marin and SF)

Be Brave. So you are ready to start dating again? Want to get back in the saddle? There will always be a Greek chorus of friends and family urging you to get back on the horse. If you have images of a sweet pony- ride dancing in your head, be prepared. The recent foray in dating is more like the electronic bull you remember from that John Travolta movie, Urban Cowboy. Best advice: “Better buckle up. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.” Get in the game and enjoy the new adventures in the unique and novel: Suddenly Single Date World

Volunteer– Check out sporting events, wines tastings, the Presidio, Litquake or theMill Valley Film Festival Festival- all are worthwhile and fun. See San Francisco’s two very popular organizations- St Anthony’ and Onebrick opportunities. Check Craigslist for volunteer listings – do a good deed and meet new people. Volunteers are love in motion..

Your Mother was wrong: Do talk to strangers. Everyday. It’s okay, and heartily recommended that you look them in the eye, smile and say “hi” to five strangers – every single day.” Have fun in the New Year. Start now.

It’s a well-known fact: Dating at 50 is a lot more fun than dating at 20.

Think about it: you are more interesting, smarter, sexier and have way better life’s stories. And, you don’t have to ask your mom to borrow the car. Come on in, the water is delicious.

FACT: Women Love Men Who Dance

It’s not a secret: from the Dogpatch to Daly City, the Marina to Mission Street: women all heartily agreed:

So what if you are: Fresh out-of-the-box, Right off the shelf, and new to the dating game?

There are a lot of metaphors for people who are just back in the dating game. Sometimes getting back into the swing of dating can be daunting. If you have been out of the game for a while, you may notice dating today is a little more complex than it was a decade ago.

Not only is the playing field no longer level, the rules have changed, the game is faster and the uniforms are a lot shorter. The days of courting and being coy are as out dated as hot pants and polyester.Afraid to make a move? There are tons of fears, frights, scares and trepidations. There are even dating phobias which are irrational, intense, persistent fear of certain nouns (persons, places, things). For your information:

The Top Ten Common Fears Known to Single Men and Women

1. Isolophobia – fear of being alone

2. Athazagoraphobia- fear of being forgotten

3. Gamophobia – fear of marriage

4. Mageirocophobia – fear of cooking

5. Sexophobia – fear of the opposite sex

6. Gynophobia – fear of women

7. Hominophobia -fear of men

8. Clinophobia – fear of going to bed

9. Homilophobia – fear of sermons

10. Nyctophobia- fear of the dark or night.

Franklin D Roosevelt said it best:

“ The only thing we have to fear is fear itself – nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts…”

Smart Women – Dumb Choices?

Best ADVICE: Hide your IQ and Show your bra strap…

Hey, smarty pants!

The University of Chicago describes itself as “The place fun came to die.”

September, 1980, 24 freshmen girls sat around two large oak tables while the dorm RA, Barbara, reviewed the rules: curfew, visiting hours, and security.After her 30-minute orientation, she closed the three-ring binder, looked up and said, “That’s it. Welcome to the University of Chicago. Off the record, I’ve got one other piece of advice. My freshmen RA told me this and I am passing on to you. In case you’re interested in dating a guy in college: hide your IQ and show your bra strap.”

The girls had all pretended to listen to the rules and regulation part of the presentation, however when Barbara, the cool upper classman – an Amazon, with long flaxen hair, the embroidered peasant blouse, faded jeans, and cool hecho en Mexico- huaraches mentioned the words “date and men” all 24 pairs of eyes were on her. Enrapt.

“Yeah, hide your IQ. Hey, we were all 4.0, we all had the highest SAT scores, and you were probably all student body presidents, right? And, how many of you were cheerleaders or prom queens?” The girl from Nevada raised her hand, and put it down quickly. Barbara smiled at the poor little sheep that had lost their way and quipped, “I rest my case.”

Their new idol, now seemingly smarter and sexier than an hour before, picked up her binder, scanned the room and said, “Men are intimidated by smart women. Even here. It’s a fact. I am a junior, I have been here for three long years.”

“Finally, never knock on my door before 9 am or after 9 pm.” Her back was to us as she walked out of the room and called out, “Enjoy college, girls”

Lingering in Lingerie

The sage advice caused an eruption of discussion and Ms Nevada said she came to Chicago to meet ‘the Susan Sontags and Mike Nichols not the Carl Sagan and Milton Friedman types.’ The girls were initially bemused and confused. Twenty years before women burned bras and now – show and tell? Cool.

Do smart women intimidate men?

There is a Mensa party every Wednesday night in San Rafael (disguised as Trivia Night at the Broken Drum) Chances are most attendees at Trivia Night graduated from Ivy League schools. You see a lot of Penn, Cal, Stanford, and MIT logos on Wednesday nights. The trivia-teams compete furiously and the questions become more and more challenging as the evening transpires. Interestingly enough, 50% of the attendees are women. Really smart women. They show and tell. The word on the street is that the women succeed at scoring – on every level…academically and socially, IQ’s in full view.

And the men enjoy the exchange and banter.

The well-intentioned advice from a 20 year old in Chicago in 1980 inspired a spate of lingerie shopping for a dozen very smart coeds and the men on campus were luckier for it.

“All this pitting of sex against sex, of quality against quality;

all this claiming of superiority and imputing of inferiority

belong to the private-school stage of human existence where there are sides,

are
hauntingly similar?

Both require identical preparations and it’s all about wear and where.

Wear?

Dressing – or selecting a costume- for Trick or Treating on Halloween and for that all-important first date requires an inordinate amount of time. You want to look good and make a statement. You forage through closets and drawers to select the right thing to wear. Women often aim for hauntingly beautiful or the girl-next-door costume. Good advice for guys is to appear like more like a superhero, less like a monster.

Where?

Deciding where to go Trick or Treating or for a first date requires that you carefully plan and plot. Both parties agree to meeting in a safe, well lighted neighborhood. You naturally avoid ‘dark and spooky,’ at all costs. You agree upon the perfect witching hour. Your spirits are up, and it’s time! The scariest thing that can happen? You don’t look like your picture. One of you is spooky, kooky or creepy. Your costume is all-wrong. At the end of the night, you want to think, “Sweet!” You don’t want to walk away thinking, “What a witch,” or “What a monster,” and return home empty handed.

San Francisco Dating@50 Examiner, Page Larkin, welcomes your feedback, questions and queries at Page.Larkin@gmail.com. Don’t miss a single Page Larkin column- click the Subscribe button at the top of the page.

Coming Up Empty? Not Another Coffee Date…

Avoid Dating De ja vu all over again?

A great date in a church, temple or cathedral? What?! Are you kidding?!

Actually, no. Given that San Francisco is avant guard, cutting edge and diverse, it offers unique venues for chanting, singing, meditating, levitating and gravitating.

Here are the Top Five Places for a Not Holier Than Thou Date

Grace Cathedral, Evensong – Thursdays 5:15pm-6:00pm. It took the enthusiasm of a surgeon from Kansas, at a cocktail party in Seattle, to get me to attend Evensong at Grace on Nob Hill. He raved about the unique, meditative experience of sitting in the sanctuary at the Cathedral listening to the cherubic voices of the Cathedral’s Men and Boys choir. Divine.

Trinity Episcopal Church, Taize- Wednesday nights 7:30pm: I defy you to find a more incredible experience in a San Francisco Church on a Wednesday evening. You’ve seen the impressive, massive red doors at Trinity. Prepare to be even more impressed. The hour-long experience involves chanting, prayer, readings (Rumi, the Bible, a wide variety) rapturous voices and exquisite, romantic candlelight. (“Cool spot for a hot date.”)

Glide Memorial Church, Sundays 9:00am and 11:00am You’ve probably been meaning to go to Glide for years – There is no time like the present. Go Sunday– arrive early (30 minutes) Prepare to scour area for parking. Then sing with the coolest choir, rock, and reverberate, pray. Cecil Williams is 85 and still rocking and preachin’

Congregation Eman-el, Stunningly beautiful Temple Emanu-El with a social and spiritual calendar that appeals to a vast cross- section of members and the rest of us. They have a dynamic rendition of a 20/30 Club, amazing lectures, yoga. Go, already.

Green Gulch Farm, Marin County, Nourish your mind, body, spirit. Green Gulch is a short drive from the City and a world away. A Buddhist practice center in Japanese Soto Zen tradition. Honey, they have bee keeping, retreats, lectures, mindfulness and nothingness. A sublime getaway destination. Make reservations.

After a two year sabbatical from the Wide Wonderful World of Internet Dating, Carol decided to consult with Wolfgang, the “Psychic to the Stars.” Should she try dating again? Divorced for five years, she had already been the Poor Little Match.com girl once, enjoyed a flurry of first and second dates, met a passel of men and made a lot of “friends.” And, then she met Ralph.
He had an Altar Ego

She and romantic Ralph dated for three very intense months. It took that long for her to fully realize he was in a huge rush to the altar. Any altar – with any one. It was too much, too soon, too fast for her. They parted amicably. She dodged a bullet.

She booked an appointment with the psychic and was finally seated across from the famous Wolfgang; a small, marble-topped, table between them. After shuffling an over-sized deck of faded and worn Tarot cards, he had her select seven cards. He looked at the cards, briefly. Without missing a beat he said, “Darling, Internet dating, really? You will be fishing in the same pond.”

She looked at him quizzically and as he scooped up the cards with a flourish, he said, “It will be all the same men, darling.” No, no, say it isn’t so!

Carol, known to be a wee bit cynical, is also an optimist in all things romantic. She defied the prediction and defiantly climbed aboard the Dating Train. It had been awhile; she wasn’t sure of the new rules, the quicker pace, current buzzwords and the dating site’s shiny, new bells and whistles.

Stepping on a treadmill that was ‘on’ at full speed?

Like a blast from the past,

Carol had a surreal feeling of deja vu. She quickly realized old Wolfgang made a point. Here she was again, and – a veritable parade of very familiar male faces danced before her on the computer screen. Here were the same old pictures of the guys from before. And, magically, none of them had aged! They were all still 50- and she was two years older!

She scanned the photos and realized a ton of these guys hadn’t even updated their pictures. She remembered the winkin, blinkin’ and nods involved in the on-line dating dance. She could do this. Game on.

Looking for a Few Good Men?

She decided this time around she wasn’t going to sit back and wait for Mr. Right to approach her. She was a girl from the Midwest, a region known for their outgoing, friendly, demeanor. No wallflower action this time around. She would be out going, and going out. She planned to contact one man a day, for one week, and see what kind of luck she had.

This time around, Carol intends to get in the game and pay attention to the red flags.

Tis the season to be jolly HOWEVER, According to Facebook, it’s the War of the Roses time and breaking up is de rigueur.

Research done by the elves at Facebook reveals that Christmastime can be called ‘Merry EX-miss.’

Single and Afraid of Another Silent Night?

Finding yourself suddenly single can make the Christmas holiday a totally new, sometimes unsettling experience. These can be the times that try men’s and women’s souls, stamina, and spirit.

Business Insider reveals that David McCandless did the due diligence on ‘Yuletide dating and breaking up’ by examining trends on Facebook. Research indicates breaking up at the holiday season is a so-called tradition.

Blue Christmas, indeed. And, you don’t even want to know about Mondays. Is there really such a thing as Empirical evidence from Facebook? Who says if it’s from Facebook, it’s got to be true?

If your December dilemma

Once you were half-of-a-couple, now you find yourself flying solo – what do you do? Get off the couch, push away from the computer and go out and play. Wear red. Listen to Christmas carols. Invest in mistletoe and wear a sprig on your lapel or on your hat.

Say ‘yes’ to every invitation to go out; go dancing; see the beautiful decorations on Union Square; master the art of making latkes; learn the words to ‘Mele Kalikimaka‘; throw a Christmas party – at home, with friends, in a small café or a pub.

Do Suddenly Single women really need a

“Getting Along with Guys Guidebook?” Absolutely!

Fact: Most Dating, Mating, How-to-flirting rulebooks are written by women.

Finally, Mr. Anon, a Manly Man, has taken the time to create “Top 10 Tips: Getting Along with Men: the Manly Man Point of View.”

The original manuscript, written in pencil on a piece of binder paper had few real scholarly pretensions. Through time, various readers felt compelled to enhance and embellish the edicts. Now we know: what men are really thinking.

The Top Ten Rules for Getting Along with Guys:

1. ESPN not ESP: Men are not mind readers. We are rugged, brawny, handsome and handy – we just don’t have the ESP gene – spell it out, sweetheart.

2. Sunday Sports are of the highest importance. They’re like the full moon, the stars and the sky – our True North. It’s not the day to drag us to mall and make us hold your suitcase-sized purse as you try on 15 pair of identical black slacks. We crave Sunday Sports – be a sport – and just hand us the remote control.

3. Don’t Mall Me: Shopping is not a sport. No amount of cajoling, kidding, or kissing is going to make us think of it that way.

4. Ask for what you want: Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work. Strong, loud, hints don’t work. Call us primitive– it is obvious your soft, whimsical and cute little hints are not effective. Do us both a favor, and clearly state what you want.

5. Final Answer: ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. We are succinct…especially during TV commercials.

6. Talk to the Girls: Come to us with a problem only if you really want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy, gossip, chatting – are what your wonderful girlfriends are for, right?

7. Memories: Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and Void after seven days.

8. Weighty Issues: If you think you’re fat, you might be – or you are looking for a compliment… and reassurance…first check a mirror, and then come to us…and, never on a Sunday.

9. Lost in Translation: If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we really meant the other one. Honest.

10. Commercial Value: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the TV commercials. Big points for you!

And, for the record: About us Following our Bliss? Look, Christopher Columbus didn’t ask for directions and pride prevents us from breaking the mold. Work with us—that’s why God invented maps and GPS.