Sarah Palin’s whole nutty family appeared in that USA Weekend newspaper insert on Sunday, and even a sympathetic publication that only appears in the pro-America America can’t help but make Palin and her brood look like a bunch of bird-brained weirdos. The whole cover story is only about 900 words long — normal for these PARADE-style things — but it still features many quotable items of unintentional humor/horror. Let’s skim this thing and never speak of it again.

Family-values Sarah, who gets professionally photographed about twenty times a day, has never bothered to get her own children and grandchild together for a snapshot. Because there’s no money in that, right? Not until the Sunday supplement came to Wasilla, anyway:

“This is the first time we’ve had all the kids together in the same picture!” exclaims an amazed Sarah Palin, flanked by her five children and baby grandson in her Alaskan home. The occasion for this Palin first: helping USA WEEKEND Magazine mark Mother’s Day 2010.

Todd is presented as the stay-at-home dad, even though he always seems to be with the Snowbilly Grifter when she’s doing her big-money appearances down in the Lower 48. Oh and that monstrosity medical office/apartment court Sarah’s building on the lot next door? Part of it will be a garage for Todd’s plane. The reporter can’t help but noting that the “driveway strewn with eight pickups and cars makes the small compound’s entrance resemble an auto-repair lot more than the home of a political superstar.”

And all those rumors about eldest child/Iraq veteran Tripp Track (or whatever, something with “Tr-“, maybe “Truffle” or “Truffaut”?) are validated in one casual observation about the “rather-be-elsewhere young veteran” stuck in the house so the reporter could watch the Palin family in action, for this Mothers Day article.

But Sarah just runs away to do her teevee shows!

One minute Palin, 46, is making a baby bottle, checking the latest stream of e-mails on her BlackBerry and asking Piper, 9, if she wants a playdate; the next she’s dashing out the back door, taking off her dangle earrings and doing a live TV shot on, yes, health care reform for Fox News. And this is all during our interview.

Somehow, I get the picture that the Palins do barely any parenting at all, and leave it to the older kids to raise the younger ones. They also tend to drag the kids along on Mom’s media trips throughout the school year, which makes one wonder when they get educated (answer: they don’t).

[re=573477]sanantonerose[/re]: Eight pickups, and with Tripp in the military I believe only three of the family are old enough to drive. She’s doing her part to say “fuck you” to the environment for the sheer spite of it.

Ye Olde Fap-Smith

poor man’s Reader’s Digest

JMP

[re=573481]memzilla[/re]: Eh, she’s 19, that should be old enough to drink if it wasn’t for this country’s ridiculously high drinking age; like with the Bush daughters, it’s hard to care.

Long Form Def Certificate

[re=573481]memzilla[/re]: “Think long-term,” Palin said, using her own situation as an example. “Look at their family. Look at their morals. Look at their values.”

Would have been more obvious for Levi to ask those about the Heath-Palin brood.

Aflac Shrugged

Family-values Sarah, who gets professionally photographed about twenty times a day, has never bothered to get her own children and grandchild together for a snapshot. Because there’s no money in that, right?

There’s strategy at work here. You start with an improbable governorship and an even more improbable nomination for Vice-President, and you end with the mother-daughter spread in Penthouse, but the steps in between are where you make the real money.

bored with gravity

[re=573477]sanantonerose[/re]: Or the old refrigerator on the front porch? Photos please.

blader

snipped by editor: “….and before you get the impression this fecund multitasking snowbilly grifter…”

I want Skoal Rebel to marry one of the daughters and move in with the Palins. Oh, please.

TGY

Multitasking like a chicken with its head cut off.

Lorax

Why won’t Fox News let Real America see Sarah Palin’s dangle?

Oh, the horrors.

x111e7thst

[re=573481]memzilla[/re]: 10ak is pretty much bridge and tunnel now. Bristol should have felt quite at home.

hockeymom

Track does NOT look happy.

Bordo

C’mon, folks, this is just a typical American family, not unlike the Cleavers or the Huxtables of television fame.

Everyone in America can relate to a family where mom has pocketed a cool $12 million since last July for never doing anything of importance; where one huge house is being replaced by an even larger domicile overlooking a lake; where dad owns a plane and the family has more cars than drivers; where the children embrace sexual abstinence except when they don’t and then get a gig telling other teens not to get knocked up. . .

If this isn’t your typical, average, middle-class family, what is??

freakishlystrong

Whatever folksy charm the media try and present this fambly, they come off looking like grasping, unsophisticated hillbillies. They make the Clampetts look like a Mensa meeting.

Does Tripp sound like a Timothy McVeigh in the making? Maybe he’ll borrow Dad’s airplane and fly it into the Office/Apartment Building/Airplane Hanger the’re building next door.

mustardman

You might be a redneck if you spend more on your pickup trucks then your education.

Atta boy Todd. Keep riding that Palin gravy train so you can buy more toys.

hockeymom

[re=573519]Cape Clod[/re]: I think you mean Track…Tripp’s a little young. I’d love someone to give Track a few drinks then do an interview with him. I imagine he might have some very interesting opinions.

the problem child

“One minute Palin, 46, is making a baby bottle, checking the latest stream of e-mails on her BlackBerry and asking Piper, 9, if she wants a playdate; the next she’s dashing out the back door, taking off her dangle earrings and doing a live TV shot on, yes, health care reform for Fox News. And this is all during our interview.”

They can call it an interview, but it is really just an excuse not to focus on the word salad she is tossing the entire time.

JMP

[re=573499]Gumboz1953[/re]: I’m assuming that Ken has it right, here; of course, with the way the Palins name their brood he could have used a fake name, for humor, and I wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference.

tbogg

Dangle earrings is Alaskimo for Truck Nutz

Gun-toting Progressive

[re=573498]you cannot be serious[/re]: “What chores do you do?” “Oh, all of them. Any of them.”

Mad Brahms

[re=573477]sanantonerose[/re]: Radiators? What about refrigerators? I knew it was too much to trust USA Weekend to bring us real journalism.

Nappied Hypotenuse

Dear Ms. Palin,

Your perpetual “TV Makeup” made it impossible to color balance your family photo. You reside in the Boehner-orange vicinity; your brood are vitamin-D-deficient-ice-hockey-induced-fishbelly-whitefolk. Not even photoshop can make you all look normal.

Sincerely,

USA Mag Photo Editor

P.S. Where was Todd? Also.

Hoplight

Fox News, seeking out the most willfully ignorant of the naïve to discuss the most complicated of topics. Next up they will interview the guy who lives under the bridge near the mall on the topic of Beyonce’s latest fashion choices.

memzilla

[re=573489]JMP[/re]: Agreed — except, of course, if you’re a junior teabagger who’s self-righteously touting “abstinence” and doing anything but. The only “bottle service” a 19 year old unwed mother should be concerned about involves breast milk or baby formula, not Kristal or Stoli.

S.Luggo

“As she promotes a growing Palin empire …”
More like barbarians at the gate.

[re=573532]Nappied Hypotenuse[/re]: Speaking of family, where is the baby-daddy?

I did not get beyond the cover, where I doodled “TARD” on Gurk’s t-shirt and penciled in wedding rings for Grandma and Breeder. I also gave Grandma a pencil-thin, Republican real-estate-salesman’s mustache. Better!

JMP

[re=573534]memzilla[/re]: Well, single moms can be naughty girls who need love, too.

splittter

Just looked up what the hell ‘playdate’ means, that is some chilling stuff … “You, children, you will play. NOW!”

What Fresh Hell is This?

[re=573540]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: The skulking youth in the top left corner looks pissed. A meth-fueled rage? Also.

rocktonsammy

Gee whiz, doesn’t Triggy get to wear shoes?

rocktonsammy

Doesn’t Triggy ever wear shoes?

I’ll send you a pair of irregular shoes from the outlet mall little buddy.

bored with gravity

[re=573523]hockeymom[/re]: Track, Tripp, Trop, what’s the difference? I’m just gonna cold make up names for these fools from now on — everyone will still know who I’m talking about.

iburl

I assume they also have a few angry chows and several stacks of old tires full of stagnant water and mosquito larve in the front yard also.

Tundra Grifter

Why is The Gov’Nor wearing a big button with her own name on it? In case she forgets?

Of course, why does Levi have a huge forearm tattoo of his last name?

JMP

[re=573544]splittter[/re]: It comes from the modern childhood, with parents who won’t let their kids just go out into the neighborhood and play, but make sure they can’t spend one moment unsupervised until they can get their driver’s licenses. It’s not wonder that so many of today’s college students are wimps who still have their moms do their laundry and come in to argue with their profs for them.

Egregious

That is my favorite pic of Ms. Palin. It speaks volumes.

assistant/atlas

Fox News viewers are easily distracted by shiny objects, thus, no dangle earrings or else they might not ingest all of the propaganda.

comicbookguy

[re=573481]memzilla[/re]: Getting a bunch of teenagers drunk sounds like the perfect way to celebrate Teenage Pregnancy Day.

Aurelio

That’s a great picture of Sarah. She has nice teeth. And skank stripes!

Dolmance

That cunt.

alzronnie

[re=573491]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: Time is running out on that option–for both of them.

Tom’s Mom

The saddest part for me was learning that it was Piper’s birthday the day of the interview. The poor little girl is shown holding a little plate of cupcakes, “waiting”. And yet Sarah is quoted saying, “For Mother’s Day, I say, OK, it’s my day. The kids do all the cooking.” Wow. Just wow.

comicbookguy

That picture just screams “energize the base” and “don’t do meth” at the same time.

joementum

That Sara, always the back door with her.

geminisunmars

Thank you “usa weekend” for this article on ADHD. It was very educational.

BadKitty

8 broken down cars in the yard. It seems you can take the hillbilly out of Wasilla but she’s going to stay a hillbilly at heart. Any old appliances on the front porch?

Joey Ratz

…Willow, 15, played football until seventh grade…

The Wasilla HS coaches were probably frantic – cut down to 6-man football or allow girls to play?

jus_wonderin

I was drinking coffee with dear old Mom on Sunday morning (you know, Mother’s Day) and when that bit of trash fell out of the Sunday paper in front of me. I almost lost my lunch (except that it was breakfast).

Mom if you are reading. Sorry. I didn’t mean to screw “your day”. I would have burned that if I had found it first.

tuffy

Alaska, where your house has a license plate and your car doesn’t!

twoeightnine

Willow looks like she’s ready for some abstinence education of her own. Can’t get preggers in the butt.

Pistol or Piper or whatever just looks so sad and heartbroken on her bday.

binarian

[re=573477]sanantonerose[/re]: or how many of the vehicles are up on blocks being cannibalized?

RobPetrified

How long will it be before she winds up on the TV food channel cooking beaver, or newt, or liberals, or some other tough, foul tasting meat?
Golly gee, wouldn’t a Wasilla cooking show be SWELL, times about a million?
As a supermom, she MUST know how to cook, right?
Moose helper? Macaroni and moose? s’moose?

Sharkey

On computer use: “I do not like my kids reading the blogs that are so often very, very negative and untruthful. Todd and I tell the kids: ‘Don’t Google this stuff. You know it’s going to ruin your day.’ ”

e.g. TruckNutz

predilectrix

“Palin makes no apologies for the impact her frenetic lifestyle and fame has had on her children. ‘They’re quite independent, and they’re thick-skinned,’ she says proudly.”

Being tossed on ice floes and having to forage for your own Cheetos-flavored blubber at an early age will do that to you.

Tromp

This family has got to be the most dysfunctional, delusional family in all of America. To be on the cover of the Mother’s Day issue with the paper is insulting to all Mothers in our Country. Sarah Palin says different things in every interview–she cannot remember what lies she tells. Last week she said she felt comfortable being away from her family for so many days because she had hired nannies that she trusted. The local restaurants have said that she comes in and buys the food they prepare and then serves it to the media in her dishes and claims that she made it. She says that she eats moose almost every main meal–but Alaska has a limit on how many moose you can get and what she says is not true. She claims that Todd supports their family from his fishing income, but the truth is that he could not–he fishes only for a few weeks every summer because he has a license given to families of Natives and all the Palin relatives divide the time up into weekly sessions for each. Sarah tries to describe Bristol as a hard worker: she takes care of the baby 24/7; she works 40 hours a week at a dermatologist’s office; she works full time as her Mom’s PR Firm–and we also see pictures of her in Hollywood, New York, posing for magazines and doing interviews like a full time media whore. In this article Sarah Palin describes the office building next door on the lake–what is the zoning law in Wasilla?–commercial and residential in same area? In her interview last week, Palin said that she was was building a house and Trick and his girl friend would be living on the main floor; and unwed Tramp and her baby Tripped would be living on the upper floor. Now we hear that it is going to be an office (wink-wink) for Sarah and her cast of hundreds???? Sounds fishy to everyone whose last name isn’t Palin. And Paper–this little Princess doesn’t ever go to school–she gets grades based on the number of miles she flies in her Mama’s private jet and the number of times she waves or gives her autograph.

$arah relationship with Wally Hickel says it all–former Governor Heckel was well respected in our State and worked hard to get her elected–before he died he said that he felt he had been lied to and was only used by Sarah Palin and that she had betrayed the trust of all Alaskans. Sarah Palin might want to show the world the Alaska she loves but why do it in eight episodes–just show a picture of Sarah palin laughing all the way to the bank about the millions she has made by her lies and being a Bimbo.

Jukesgrrl

C’mon, Sarah, you have lots of life left in you. Make some more babies. Teak, Teal, Tailgate, Tow-Truck, Trench, Trouble, Throttle, Tenacious, Triage, Tether, Text. Or you could go all ebonics on us and name your child after a consumer product: Toyota, Titleist, Tinactin, Thorazine. Or how about Tolerance … oops, too Socialist.

Someone else can do the girls’ names. Just get out an atlas.

Jim89048

[re=573895]Tromp[/re]: Tromp–best Palin name evar!

jjdaddyo

Todd and Sarah’s divorce is going to be awesome. Is there a German word for schadenfreude-in-advance?

mrtrailsafety

I thought she named her kids after classes in HS and kollege she audited. Snowflake Baby “Shop” hovers in the aether, awaiting…

Radiotherapy

[re=574087]jjdaddyo[/re]: Wonkette?

Claire Bear

I love how the caption reads “At the kitchen door: Sarah Palin and daughter Bristol tend to their toddler sons.” ‘Tending’ to their toddler sons meaning, Sarah scrolling through her crackberry in one hand, while Trip (NOT EVEN HER BABY) wriggles for an escape in the other, and Bristol expressing an exasperated, ‘Bitch please!’ look and no down syndome said ‘toddler’ even in sight!

Claire Bear

I love how the caption reads “At the kitchen door: Sarah Palin and daughter Bristol tend to their toddler sons.” ‘Tending’ to their toddler sons meaning, Sarah scrolling through her crackberry in one hand, while Trip (NOT EVEN HER BABY) wriggles for an escape in the other, and Bristol expressing an exasperated, ‘Bitch please!’ look and no down syndrome said ‘toddler’ even in sight!