That's all right, fellas. Hey, Clifford -- the ig-pays are a little upid-stay.

Clifford

Mm-hm. (nods)

Andy & Randy

(gasp)

Andy

He speaks the ancient tongue!

Randy

Oh!

They start bowing at John.

Andy & Randy

E-way are not orthy-way! E-way are not orthy-way!

Clifford

(to John) Welcome to my life. Uh, come on, John, I'll show you around the studio. (they leave)

Andy

You know what?

Randy

What?

Andy

We must become Mr. Good-man's personal slaves because he saved our lives.

Randy

Yes! If it wasn't for him, we might have been elocuted! Like this! (goes up to touch the wire)

Andy

Oh, yes! Oh -- let me.

In another room, John and Clifford go over lines, when the lights flicker.

John

"No, my man--"

The pigs' screams are heard.

Clifford

What was that?

John

I dunno. (sniff) Smells like bacon.

Clifford

Sure does.

John

(sniffs his armpit) Not me.

Clifford

(sniffs his armpit) Not me.

Theme

Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.

Kermit

It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star John Goodman! (yelps)

He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.

Opening / Tales from the Vet

Open on the house band. Clifford comes out to applause.

A. Ligator

Here's the host of our show, C'lifford!

Clifford

What's up, yeah. Good evening, good evening. And welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that has families all around the world saying...

Switch to a family watching TV.

Family

(simultaneously) I don't get it.

Dog (DG)

I do. You see, they're making fun of all of you. And, uh...

They stare at him.

Dog (DG)

Then never mind.

Back to Clifford.

Clifford

Any hue, we're all very excited tonight because our guest star is Mr. John Goodman! (applause) Yeah! But to start the show off, here's the veterinarian of carrion, our very own Dr. Phil van Neuter!

Oh! Get away! -- Welcome to a special edition of... TALES FROM THE VET!(thunderclap) Oh! Oh, what is that? -- Every week, Mulch and I receive thousands and thousands of letters. Mulch, Mulch, the fan mail!

Mulch arrives with a bag of letters. Phil inspects them.

Dr. Phil van Neuter

Oh, there you are. ... Come on, hurry up. ... Two letters? That's it?

Mulch

(shrugs, growls)

Dr. Phil van Neuter

What do you mean, the rest were for you? You can't even read!

Mulch

Aww... (exits)

Dr. Phil van Neuter

Anyway, anyway... one of these letters intrigued me. And I quote... "Dear Dr. Phil, we hear you are married to Mulch's sister, the enchanting and bewitching Composta Heap. How did you meet? And can you please tell us in a song, preferably one by Thomas Dolby?" Well... if memory serves, I believe it went something like this...

Fade to a flashback of Phil meeting Composta in a college science lab.

Dr. Phil van Neuter

I was a young man studying taxidermy at Stufts University-- good ol' Stufts U-- when I met the beautiful Composta.

He sings "She Blinded Me With Science" as he and Composta start dancing around. She accidentally hits him while looking through the microscope.

Dr. Phil van Neuter

Oh, my specimen -- ow!

She claps the erasers on him.

Dr. Phil van Neuter

Ow! Oh! Oh, my glasses! Oh! Oh! Oh, yes...

Some creatures join in the song.

Dr. Phil van Neuter

Oh, very good.

Phil startles Composta while she mixes liquids. They chase around the desk.

Backstage

Well, we're sorry about blowing you up and driving your head into the main power lines. (continues)

John

Oh! Oh. That's okay. It actually helped me clear my sinuses.

Andy

Oh.

John

Boy, that feels great. What kind of massage oil are you using?

Andy

Oh, I'm not using oil. It's glue.

John

(eyes widen) Glue?

Andy

Well, yeah. That way, you never have to style your hair again.

John

(yelps)

A knock on the door.

John

What?

Randy

I have your suit.

John

Leave it outside, please.

Randy

I can't. They don't allow smoking in the hall.

Randy enters with a smoking, iron-burned suit.

John

Oh! Not my suit! (cries)

Randy

Yes, it is your suit.

John

Oh, just get out! Please! I need to relax! I need some air!

Randy

Oh! We'll get you some air.

Andy

Yeah, we can do that.

They look around and start panicking.

Andy

Uh, hey! ... Hey! Randy, we are trapped! We cannot get out of here!

Randy

Ohh! Ohh! John! John, we can't find the get-out thingy!

John

It's called a door. A door! And it's right there!

Randy

Oh!

Andy & Randy

You saved our lives again! Thank you!

They start hugging him. He grabs his head and sits down.

John

Get out! I don't want you as my slaves anymore!

Clifford

Yo, yo, yo, John, what's going on?

John

Clifford, you promised me this would be relaxing. I'm not relaxing! You promised me this would be fun. I'm not having fun. And-- (notices the glue in his hair) ... And I'm stuck.

He rips his hands off his head, yanking some of his hair out, and bawls.

The Lunarmooners

Applause as Clifford takes the main stage.

Clifford

Yeah. Welcome back to Muppets Tonight. Uh, John Goodman is having a really bad hair day right now, and can't come out. So we're going to fill some time with a little blast from the past. The year was 1969, and everyone was loony over the moon landing. That's why we did a little TV pilot with a young John Goodman called The Lunarmooners. Let's watch, shall we?

The monitor is lowered. A B&W clip is shown.

John

Alison... I'm home.

Miss Piggy

Alf, shut the airlock. The atmosphere isn't free up here, you know.

John

(shuts it) Don't you start with me, Alison. I had a tough day on the moon bus. The artificial gravity kept breaking down.

Miss Piggy

Gee, Alf, I thought you were big enough to have your own gravitational pull.

John

Ho ho ho -- one of these days, Alison, bang, zoom! Right to the earth!

Miss Piggy

That would be my first trip since our honeymoon.

John

Har-dee-har-har! Now if you don't mind, all I want to do is take off these moon boots and soak my aching asteroids.

Miss Piggy

Fine! Fine! I have to go change. I'm going to go shopping with Dixie and Mrs. Moonicotti. Door.

He opens the door for her as she exits. John peers out the window.

John

Newton! Newton, get down here right now!

Fozzie enters through the main door.

Fozzie

Sure thing, Alfie.

A startled John screams, as does Fozzie. John closes the window.

John

What are you trying to do, Newton, give me a heart attack?

Fozzie

Take it easy, Alfie boy. Hey, I just came down to give you the tickets you wanted. You know, to the Space Cadets' Ball.

Why, shouldn't you be getting into your ball gown, my dear? After all, tonight, we will be dancing on the sea of tranquillity.

He reveals the tickets.

Miss Piggy

(gasp) Oh! Tickets to the Space Cadets' Ball? Oh, Alf, you charmer!

John

Baby... you're the greatest.

Kissville. Meanwhile, Fozzie floats outside. The closing music plays.

Fozzie

Hey, Alf! Alfie boy! I just remembered-- I can't breathe! There's no air out here! Allllff...

Switch to the nursing home.

Statler

Well, there you go. There's nothing like good comedy.

Waldorf

Nothing like it on this show.

They chuckle.

Backstage

John ties a rope to the radiator, the other end going around his neck as he hangs out the window.

John

Ha ha ha! Boy, this plan is brilliant. How'd I ever do so bad on my SATs? (feigning danger) Help! Help! Where are my slaves when I need them?

Andy and Randy enter.

Randy

Uh, Mr. Goodman, we're coming in the room-entering thingy.

Andy

Yes. We made falafel.

John

Help, boys, help! I was, uh, cleaning my watch, when I slipped out the window. Oh, pull me back in and save me. Then we'll be even, and you won't have to help me anymore.

Randy

Oh, no! Our master's in trouble!

Andy

Let's throw him a life preserver.

They look around. Randy notices the radiator.

Randy

Oh! How about this thing that makes our hands smoke and blister?

Andy

Yeah!

John

No, you idiots! Not the radiator!

They unmount the radiator, sending John falling out the window. Clifford enters.

Clifford

Hey. Where's John? Oh, please tell me he's relaxing.

Andy

Uh, he is, Clifford. He's relaxing in a truckload of mousetraps.

They all look out the window at John, as snaps are heard.

John

Ow! Ow! Oh! Ow!

Andy

And one bear trap.

A loud snap is heard.

John

OWW! Clifford!!

In the control room, Nigel frantically prepares for the next scene. Kermit enters.

Nigel

Number one!

Kermit

Hey there, Nigel. How's it going, huh?

Nigel

Uh, well, uh, John Goodman just fell out the window, Clifford is trying to get a bear trap off his head, the producer's cat just got away, and THERE'S NOBODY ONSTAGE TO INTRODUCE JOHNNY FIAMA! (hyperventilates)

Kermit

Gee. Sounds like a slow night. I'll go out and introduce Johnny.

Nigel

GOOD GOOD GOOD! GO GO GO GO GO!! (calms) Oh, excellent. Line up, camera two for a standard opening at the archway. Can somebody get me a chamomile tea?

Johnny Fiama / Carl

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.

Kermit

Thank you! Thank you very much. And now, Muppets Tonight is proud to present the oh-so-smooth stylings of Mr. Johnny Fiama! YAYYY!

Sal, dressed as a waiter, places a table and chairs behind Johnny, followed by a marble arch.

Johnny

Thank you. Uh, you know, friends, with this being the year of the chick, in my mind, every day is valentine's day. And tonight we'd like to do something special, just for you. (sees the set) Well, now, what do you know? A table for two. How romantic. Yes. Uh, waiter. Waiter! Sal!

Sal

Oh, oh, oh! (walks up to him) Yeah, Johnny? Oh! I mean, uh, customer?

Johnny

Yes, thank you. Uh, would you be so kind as to choose a beautiful young lady from our audience to share a romantical, intimate dinner with me?

Closing number

Ah, Mr. Goodman. You'll be right as rain as long as you get some rest, and uh, don't think about those two stupid you-know-whats.

Andy & Randy

You mean us?

John screams as the "Psycho" music plays. He wakes up from a dream, still in bandages.

Clifford

John, John, wake up, man. You're having a bad dream.

John

Oh, man. It was horrible, Clifford. I dreamt I was doing the show, and I wound up in traction.

Clifford

Well, as a matter of fact, you weren't dreaming. You are in traction. That's why I'm gonna go onstage and cancel your big number.

John

No. No, wait, Clifford. I know I'm not 100%, but I think I can still do the number.

Clifford

Now how you gonna do that?

John

Like this.

Cue the music. John sings "Feelin' All Right" and is joined by Clifford, the scrub and a nurse. He gets out of bed and dons his "Blues Brothers" hat and sunglasses, and is joined by Andy and Randy, Rizzo, and other nurses and patients.