Of course, we’re all looking forward to the beginning of summer, but here’s some signs you might be over-anticipating the summer fun.

You’ve replaced all your belts with inner tubes.

“Really, Barbara, must you wear that silly inner tube?”“If I want to keep my pants up, I do, Betty!”

You refuse to eat anything that doesn’t come on a stick.

“Hi, yes I”ll have a corn dog.”“Sorry, we don’t have corn dogs.”“Then give me some cotton candy.”“Sorry, no cotton candy.”“Popcicle?”“Nope.”“Shish Kabob?”“No.”“Would you by any chance have a carmeled apple or chocolate banana on a stick?“Just order a Happy Meal, Bub.”

Dear Readers! I’ve been away from my blog for four whole days! My kids visited, and we all whooped it up Vernon Style in a combination, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Spring Birthday, Memorial Day celebration! Gosh we had a good time! We figure it will hold us over until June when we’ll all get together again to celebrate National Accordion Month! (Can! Not! Wait!)

But Dear Readers, as you know, life isn’t all fun and games. No siree! Sometimes life is a serious business and as such, you have to get the most out of every single minute — which brings us to today’s topic:

“The most effective step-by-step fly management program to date.” –The Association of American Fly Farmers

The Agony and the Ecstasy Only Ixnay on the Ecstasyay

“The Agony and the Ecstasy abridged version that ‘Death Penaltees’ won’t be able to put down until it drops out of their hands on its own accord.!” Billy the Kid’s Ghost

Ο Things to Do Before You Die, The Heavily Discounted Edition

“Literally thousands of great suggestions not included! And at a price you’ll love” — Necktie Party Publishers Weekly

And there you have it, Dear Readers! Now, I must admit, this post was a little weird even for me. I’m blaming it on too much cake while whooping it up with the family. I’m really going to have to watch it at next months National Accordion Celebration!

Linda’s Ten Writing Prompts for Unusual Stories

1)

A woman named Helene (the last “e” is silent so it’s just pronounced the regular way you would pronounce Helen) who was born into an aristocratic family in 1614 goes for a walk in the woods and finds a toothbrush left by time travelers.Write a novel chronicling Helen’s life-long attempts to figure out what it is.

2)

A man named Mr. Kneedyy (in this case the “k” isn’t silent but the last “y” is) leads a lonely existence as a shy, tightrope walker whose only joy in life is vacuuming. He often wonders whether his life is worth living at all — that is until the morning he wakes up in a bed of overly-ripe bananas.

3)

Write a story about the life of a New York City, albino,street urchin in 1882 who is sent to live in an orphanage where they kill his parrot and tell him sawdust is sugar. One day he contracts a horrible ear infection. Write the story from the point of view of his eardrum.

4)

A woman who is afraid of her own shadow, opens the door to her closet to find the bogie man dressed in her clothes, but instead of being afraid, she falls instantly in love. Write this story from the point of view of the red stiletto heels the bogie man is wearing.

5)

Colonel Conrad Bleen (most of the letters are silent but the word colonel is still pronounced nothing like it is spelled) has been shipped a faulty coffee machine from the aliens who reside on planet Wubbly. The Wubblyians are coming for a visit next week and are expecting Colonel Conrad Bleen to serve them coffee. Choose your favorite historical figure to explain why the Wubblyians won’t be getting any coffee.

6)

A girl named Swanda Smithers (the “s’s” are almost silent but not quite) is told a very important secret by a strange Italian man she meets while walking to the city pool. If she tells anyone the secret — the universe will cease to exist. Write a story about what a horrible swimmer Swanda Smithers is from the point of view of the secret.

7)

Write a short scene in which an arthritic court jester with dyslexia is sent in to tell the severely nearsighted Mary Queen of Scots she could use a bath.

8)

While a man is strangling his wife on a rowboat in Lake Superior, she dies of pancreatic cancer. Write a story about why the man shouldn’t be tried for murderin Lake Erie’s opinion.

9)

A woman named Connie Knophughner (every other letter is silent) buys a used car and opens the trunk to find a package that is ticking. When she unwraps it, she finds outit’s a clock that has a bomb embedded in it. Write a scene about what happens next from the point of view of the used car salesman who is hiding on the floor of the backseat of Connie Knophughner’s car.

10)

A man named Ponts Nuggles (all the silent letters in his name have been removed so don’t worry about it) comes home to find that his wife has turned into a box of Ritz Crackers, but she can still talk; Ponts Nuggles, however, has been deaf since birth. Write a dialogue about how they discuss each others’ day.

You got a little bent out of shape when your house guests left and didn’t nominate you for an award.

Yeah . . .bye . . . come again . . . NOT!

You try to leave comments on your ATM machine.

I am now telling the computer exactly what it can do with a lifetime supply of chocolate . . .

You can’t understand why the postman keeps bringing you mail of people you’re not even following.

Yeah,it says right here, “To Betty and Barnie Shlubbs” from AARP.”“What in tarnation? We would never follow them!”

You try to count how many drivers look over at you in traffic so you can feel like you’re getting a lot of traffic views.

Okay, let’s see . . . the guy in the blue truck makes four and oh oh . . . the two people in that yellow Kia just looked over . . .

You’re the only one at the movies who, instead of laughing, is shouting out the letters L O L.

L O frigging L! Gosh I’m having a good time!

And there you have it Dear Readers! If you recognized yourself in any of the above scenarios, you might want to go right out and buy yourself a great big bottle of Vitameatavegamin. That’s Vita Meata Vegamin! Because, as everybody knows, it’s the answer to all your problems!

Hello Dear Readers! I love Thanksgiving! It’s one of my favorite holidays. Every year I cook for my family and every year I look forward to it with great pleasure. Maybe a little too much pleasure. That’s why I’ve come up with this list of warning signs on how to tell if you are going to overdo Thanksgiving.

How to Tell if You’re Going to Overdo Thanksgiving

You’ve replaced the phrase “I love you” with the phrase “Olive you”.

You just got back from Potato Mashing Immersion Camp.

You’ve instructed your surgeon to break ground on that new stomach addition.

“So the way I see it, we can knock out a wall between the belly and the button, and we should have room for an entire bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy.

In preparation for the big feast, you’ve managed to diet down to a size bite.

Even if you were to carry out pi to a million decimals, all forms of pi will be polished off by Friday.

“Of course I didn’t eat all the pumpkin pie! You know I only like apple.”

You’ve taken to sleeping on a pillow of mini marshmallows.

Thanks to you and your voluminous Yam Stockpile the earth will be taking 6 days longer to orbit the sun.

“Gosh this week is really dragging by. What day is it?”“Yamsday.”“Still?”

You made an appointment with your dentist to get your teeth sharpened.

Your new gravy boat sleeps six.

“Move over!”“No you!”

Your husband Tom is slightly worried about you because his name is Bill.

You’ve been preheating your oven since the 4th of July.

You refuse to read, watch or listen to anything that isn’t about Jello.

“Honey! Come quick! Look! There’s Bigfoot!”“Is he in the form of a Jello mold?”“No.”“Is he carrying Jello?”“No.”“Then I’m not going to look.”

And the most obvious way to tell if you’re going to overdo Thanksgiving:

Your appendix has been officially called back into active duty for the stomach reserves.

Sometimes, when life hands you lemonade, you have to take that lemonade and you have to turn it back into lemons again because you’re just in that kind of a mood. Which means, Dear Reader, that it is once again time for:

Things Darkside Peanuts Should be Allowed to Do Without Any Consequences When It comes to dealing with people who think Peanuts is old.

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to trip clerks in the electronics department of Frys who explain something to Peanuts like Peanuts is senile and then wrap up their sales pitch by adding “this is what all our elderly customers prefer.”

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to send sneezing powder (aka anthrax) in the return envelope of all AARP offers that are offering Peanuts one last chance to get insurance before Peanuts shrivels up and dies.

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to pinch a tad too hard, the cheeks of teenage baggers at the grocery store who remark, while bagging Peanuts groceries, that their grandma — or even their great grandma — likes the same product Peanuts does.

Darkside Peanutsshould be allowed to scribble lipstick all over the faces of dismissive twenty-something cosmetic-counter girls who imply that Peanuts looks so old there’s really nothing that can be done about it.

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to pull the transaction box off its stand and throw it at clerks who automatically assume Peanuts is too old and too far gone with the Alzheimer’s to know to slide the card and push the green button without being told (for the millionth time . . . sigh) to do so.

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to mess up the hairdo of clerks who take a good look at Peanuts and then suggest that Peanuts take advantage of their 55-years-and-older senior discount even though Peanuts is 55-years-and-older.

Darkside Peanutsshould be allowed to yank the trendy ponytails of the girls who work at Starbucks whose words are saying, “may I help you” but whose tone is saying Oh great! Another old lady who refuses to speak Starbucks.

Darkside Peanutsshould be allowed to put Peanuts’ car in reverse and bash into the kid who is driving the car behind Peanuts who is honking at Peanuts to take a free right turn at a red light because they think Peanuts is too old and too cowardly to do so –even though Peanuts IS too old and too cowardly to do so.

Phew! Darkside Peanuts feels much better having gotten all that off Darkside Peanuts’ shell.