"What it must look and smell like when a movie brain vomits. Truly worthless."
-Variety

Monday, June 28, 2010

Toy Story Topples Sandler

Welp, I've seen our collective cinematic futures, people. It's all right here in the crystal ball of this week's box office, and it's grim. To me, anyway. It's a Morluk and Eloi future we're headed for, no question about it. Or maybe it's Aldous Huxley's Brave New World, or perhaps a little of both! He had similar class divisions in his tome. But the main thing is that every movie will be dedicated to the two big concepts: an elegy to mortality, and toilet humour. Toy Story 3's heavy on the former, but dipping their toes into the other. They're finally getting brave! I guess they can really afford to take a risk this time. Their next feature? Pixar's The Jerky Boys 2012. Go figure. Not what I would've done, but you gotta admit it's a risk. Suck it, 3-2-1 Penguins! And of course, pretty boy Adam Sandler. Some complain that his latest work is just a glorified home movie, but I ask you this: look at that credits list. That's some home movie, dontcha think? Wow! Probably more expensive than Click was! And don't kid yourself, Grown Ups did well at the box office, coming in a distant second with 40 million to Toy Story 3's 60 million; might as well round up for our buddy Pixar, we owe them that much. Some sniping 'journalist' said that Tom Cruise did badly with Knight and Day at #3 with 20 million, and maybe that's true, but hey! That's still better than Jonah Hex. I guess any publicity really is good publicity; you know it's bad when they don't talk about you at all. Respect for the dead kind of thing? Ouch!But back to Sandler. So his little movie made 40 million, but my inside sources tell me that Giuliani bought about 10 million dollars worth of tickets with his war chest funds. What a good friend. He's not in Grown Ups, and you know who else isn't? Henry Winkler! Allen Covert! (he just exec-produced) Bad guys named O'Doyle! Why, Sandler's practically without a net here! He and his chums were concerned about releasing his movie in the range of the next Twilight movie, but I think he'll make out all right. Maybe that should be his next movie! Somewhere on that vampire slippery slope. He's a good writer; him and Fred Wolf oughta be able to come up with something! The point is, the market has clearly spoken. We've walked over the hot coals of classics like The Godfather and Raiders of the Lost Ark, but that era has clearly passed. Who wants to see such old, depressing, OLD movies anymore? The Godfather? Ick! I don't want to see a movie about crime! Plus, I think it's more than a little racist, implying that all Italians are gangsters. Raiders? I don't like any kind of excitement. Nothing but VeggieTales for me, thanque you. Plus, I think it's slightly racist, with all the racist caricatures and stuff? Or was that the 2nd one? A big capital No Thank You. No, Grown Ups for me and my friends, because for the boys, Salma Hayek's still hot, clearly reveling in her MILF years, and for the girls, Salma's outfit was cute, but clearly she doesn't look as good as she did in From Dusk Till Dawn. And Toy Story 3, toy soldiers for the boys, and Ken and Barbie for the girls. Yes, the playing field of plots is asymptotically close to being completely level now. Bland entertainment forever.What else? The other debut this week is Knight and Day with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. Looks kinda good! Well, that Mangold's a pretty good director. Ooh! Good name, too.

1 comment:

The whole toy story collection is the best series I have ever seen. Its adventurous, its exciting, its good not only for children but for people of all ages. Great characters, story and the most important it's fun.Watch Toy Story