I think we’ve entered a frenzied era of coffee-guzzling, e-mail-sending channel surfers who honk the nanosecond the light turns green and have the attention span of a flashbulb. If the first nine words of body copy aren’t “May we send you beer and money for free?” word 10 isn’t read.

Just my opinion, mind you. Raymond McKinney at The Martin Agency had it right when he wrote a line for those condensed-book study aids: “Cliff Notes. When you don’t have time to see the movie.”Yet when I write body copy, long or short, I work hard at making it as smart and persuasive and readable as I can. I suggest you do the same. Because a few people are going to read it. And the ones who do, you want. They’re interested. They’re peering in your shop window.

So as much as I hammer away on the importance of visual solutions, when you have to write, write smartly. With passion, intelligence, and honesty.

And when you’ve said what you need to say, stop.”

=============

Luke Sullivan

———————————–

So.

Attention span Part 2 is just a reminder that attention spans, short or long, are all about experiences and how all of us employ different attention strategies based on context <time & place>. Attention spans expand and contract depend upon context.

Ok.

To be clear. I believe <just my own personal ‘thing’> that the whole concept of short attention span is overrated.

In other words … it is ‘bunk’ <’bullshit’>.

Now.

What isn’t overrated is time management <or the fact we suck at it>. And the angst associated with managing time and your ‘to-do’ list and all the choices that constantly tug at you even when you know you are doing something you should be doing.

We are so stressed over time that we consciously, and subconsciously, employ different attention strategies to ‘maximize time’ <which is actually code for ‘maximize experience’>.

Uhm.

Ponder that <what I just wrote>.

I cannot tell you how often I have this discussion in business. People get so focused on ‘time’ and ‘if you don’t grab them immediately you will lose them’and all the they have actually lost sight that the real discussion should surround ‘maximizing experience.’ That the challenge is to engage … and offer experience <too often I find myself spending gobs of time simply on ‘engage’>.

Regardless.

Short satisfaction spans have been around forever. Let me remind people of 2 things <beyond MTV … which sometimes seems to bear the blame burden for indoctrinating a generation to short attention span viewing>:

– The Beatles

– Charles Dickens <or Edgar Allen Poe or O. Henry or Doyle>

<huh>

Beatles?

They became popular by mastering the art of the 2 minute pop song. Almost every song you like by the Beatles <before the white album> probably averages 2:20 in length.

Ok. Next <because I know you have a short attention span>.

Charles Dickens.

Serialized fiction.

Edgar Allen Poe?

Short stories.

How about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle <Sherlock Holmes>?

Short stories.

Short books.

Short attention span reading.

Short satisfaction experiences.

And even more relevant?

What Luke suggested in the opening quote … write smartly. With passion, intelligence, and honesty. And when you’ve said what you need to say, stop.

Regardless.

This whole attention to short attention spans doesn’t really have anything to do with an increasingly shorter attention span <because of technology or life or tv or The Beatles> but rather we people have always liked short experiences. Trendwatching calls this being a Transumer <and the corollary lifestyle called – Transumerism>. Being a transumer is all about experiencing things in short small doses. The whole idea is that the temporary, the transient, is increasingly being valued if not being sought out by people.

Why?

Well. Think about it. It makes sense. Mainly because everyday Life is typically about the grind. The routine. Getting up and doing what you need to do <in the home and in the business> and some consistency.

That consistency is tied to efficiency <which is aligned with the ‘grind’>.

Therefore the moments where we can quickly transition to a new experience and add a little color to an otherwise gray day have value. In fact … this sometimes means experiences have more value than ‘goods.’

This also means that many fixed items <or consistent experiences> run the risk of becoming synonymous with boredom, with hassle, with quickly-out-of-date, with maintenance, with taking up too large a part of budgets, if not lives … and most importantly … they become ‘gray’ <or even worse … associated with ‘the grind’>.

Look.

This is not about short attention spans … this is about short satisfaction spans. Which brings us back to the thought of Transumers. Because while we talk about short attention spans we are actually talking about people’s behavior.

People have always been driven by a desire for more experiences but it is possible <but not proven beyond hypothesis> it has become even more so in today’s world. And, frankly, experiences have always been about the unfixed … the moving and changing instead of the fixed. It is about satisfaction & variety <I hesitated to use ‘entertainment’ because that gets misused far too often.

It is about discovery. It is about fighting boredom and in many ways … building a more transient lifestyle experience <breaking out of the gray and the grind>.

Now.

It is a proven researched fact that many people are freeing themselves from the hassles of permanent ownership and possessions <see the decline in home ownership and cars among younger generations>. Much of the past ‘fixed’ is being replaced by an obsession with the here and now, an ever shorter satisfaction span <not shorter attention span> and an almost lust-like behavior to collect as many experiences and stories as possible.

Trendwatching also suggests this is the rise of what they call ‘the UNFIXED.’ Where change, things that are not ‘fixed’, actually has value <overlaid on top of consistency … just to be clear>.

And if experiences have such a high value that suggests ‘using’ is better than owning.

Some trendwatching thoughts along these lines:

– Owning often means hassle.

The more stuff you permanently own, the more you have to worry about: repairs, going out of style, theft and so on. And owning often also means having to sink a large part of one’s budget into one object, which impedes spending on multiple experiences.

– To many consumers, to be untied, UNFIXED, leading an on-the-go lifestyle, means freedom to explore, to discover.

More practical: freedom to travel wherever, whenever, and for some, even the freedom to work wherever, whenever.

– As always, the well-off were trend setters: “Luxury consumers are spending more, in many cases lots more, on life-changing experiences, while their need for luxury goods is waning. Spending on luxury experiences in the US, including travel, dining, entertainment, spas and beauty services and home services, has nearly doubled over the past 5 or 6 years.”

– As an increasing number of specialized, no-frills companies now cater to less well-off UNFIXED consumers, an affordable ‘on-the-go’ life is now possible, too.

– A global C2C <consumer to consumer> infrastructure is in place, from eBay to classifieds, enabling <and even encouraging> UNFIXED consumers to quickly dispose of what’s no longer needed.

– The online world offers the ultimate in UNFIXED living.

The more time is spent online, the less need there is for fixed, hardly ever used physical goods.

– Another aspect of UNFIXED: some positive side-effects for the environment?

More services and less goods, more shared ownership.

Anyway. Oddly. This also creates opportunities for the ‘fixed.’ As in fixed space stores & locations. It certainly creates opportunity for retail branding <without reconfiguring store>.

I know that I have personally made this presentation to a number of retail chains <grocery stores, hardware, etc.>.

– Provide multiple experiences:

You can do this simply by floor decals, color changes in different departments, etc. As shoppers shift from one location to another within a store give them an opportunity to experience something different.

– Status conscious opportunities:

Everyone prefers buying a brand versus a private label. Call it ‘climbing the ladder’ or simply being a status-conscious consumer. Retailers have the opportunity to access fractional ownership of status because it’s the only way for a consumer to be able to flaunt <both established and new> status symbols. Weekly or daily deals offer ‘experiential surprises’ which provide a little color to a typically gray experience.

Anyway.

The last aspect of a Transumer is something called a ‘SNACK CULTURE perspective.’ This is kind of represents a version of what appears to be an insatiable craving for instant gratification. A snack culture world is where products, services and experiences become more temporary and transient. And products are deconstructed in easier to digest, easier to afford bits, making it possible to collect even more experiences, as often as possible, in an even shorter timeframe.

Please note.

This is not shorter attention spans. This is about being empowered to choose satisfaction in the size you want in context of where you are and how much time you have. We are becoming more accustomed to consuming large amounts of snack sized content <rather than the longer-form stuff of traditional media>.

<note: there is an interesting contradiction here in that we consume large amounts – sometimes even larger than we did before – but in smaller sizes>.

“Music, television, games, movies, fashion: We now devour our pop culture the same way we enjoy candy and chips—in conveniently packaged bite-size nuggets made to be munched easily with increased frequency and maximum speed. Today, media snacking is a way of life. In the morning, we check news and tap out emails on our laptops. At work, we graze all day on videos and blogs. Back home, the giant HDTV is for 10-course feasting – say, an entire season of 24. In between are the morsels that fill those whenever minutes, as your mobile phone carrier calls them: a 30-second game on your Nintendo DS, a 60-second webisode on your cell, a three-minute podcast on your MP3 player. Like Homer Simpson at the all-you-can-eat seafood buffet, we are capable of devouring whatever is in front of us—down to the plastic crustaceans—and still go fishing for Colbert clips at 3 am.

Wired Magazine

In the end?

This really isn’t about diminished attention spans. The fact is we are all transumers <on a spectrum of snack sized consumption>.

All of us.

Kids and adults.

We are a breed of consumer hungry for constant visual and auditory gratification. In fact … our transumer like mentality transforms us into ‘constantly moving happiness machines.’

So.

If we want to wag our finger at the ‘short attention span’ youth … we may want to look in the mirror first. Because we humans initially learn by imitation. That’s how we’re wired.

And that means we adults are wiring up our kids:

—————————

Andrew Meltzoff and Patricia Kuhl, professors at the University of Washington I-LABS, show videos of babies at 42 minutes old, imitating adults. The adult sticks his tongue out. The baby sticks his tongue out, mirroring the adult’s behavior. Children are also cued by where a parent focuses attention. The child’s gaze follows the mother’s gaze. Not long ago, I had brunch with friends who are doctors, and both of them were on call. They were constantly pulling out their smartphones. The focus of their 1-year-old turned to the smartphone: Mommy’s got it, Daddy’s got it. I want it.

We may think that kids have a natural fascination with phones.

Really, children have a fascination with whatever Mom and Dad find fascinating. If they are fascinated by the flowers coming up in the yard, that’s what the children are going to find fascinating. And if Mom and Dad can’t put down the device with the screen, the child is going to think, That’s where it’s all at, that’s where I need to be.

———————-

Regardless.

We have always had short attention spans … because we all have short satisfaction spans. This doesn’t mean exclusively short … of both … <and we would be foolish to believe ‘short’ is all that matters> … but day in and day out short is good to us. And I don’t mean short attention spans.

I mean short satisfying experiences.

In the end?

Let’s stop all this endless blathering about the ‘short attention span crisis.’ Focus on offering great experiences. If you do it right … the payoff for getting someone to pay attention is … well … what Hollywood says … “Movies are all about their last twenty minutes.”

You get to close the deal on whatever it is you want to close the deal on.

Sell something.

Communicate an opinion.

Share a new thought.

Change attitudes if you do it really well.

Teach the young something.

Tell someone something meaningful.

It doesn’t matter.

If you get their attention you get to say something.

And isn’t that what really matters? Being heard when you have something important to say?

“… transumers are hyper-consumers driven by experiences. the fixed is replaced by an obsession with the here and now, an ever-shorter satisfaction span, and a lust to collect as many experiences as possible.”

======

trendwatching.com

————————-

So.

This is about young people. And how there is a hurricane of older people opinions swirling around an odd <absurd> belief that the young are distracted from Life <or at least living it the way we want them to live it> because they are living a Life of distraction because of too much stimuli.

In addition this is about how so many people are expressing concern over ‘an increase in decreased attention span’ <how is that for a contradiction … or is that a paradox?>.

This also how older people pull this out of their personal bitch bag ad nausea when bitching about today’s youth.

But … in the end … this is really about everyone’s attention span and how everyone talks about ‘short attention spans’ these days.

Here is my contrarian point of view <albeit supported by some research>. All this crap about short attention spans and grabbing people’s attention in soundbites is … well … crap. Yeah. It is bullshit. Our attention spans are no shorter, nor any longer, then they were before … and I mean that in terms of this generation as well as all generations prior.

I feel pretty confident saying this for a couple of reasons:

– there is no scientific evidence that the human brain is now being rewired for only short bursts of stimuli <although I have written about how the notification a cell phone actually gives you a shot of an adrenaline like hormone in response which can be addictive … but that is different than short attention span>

– I believe people confuse the issue. Attention spans are always really about ‘the experience.’ Or satisfaction of experience <regardless of whether it is 5 seconds or 5 hours>.

Regardless. Let me go back to point one <before I receive a slew of emails>.

<side note: and this is where media fucks us all as they create headlines like ‘attention spans decrease!’ to imply a crisis or massive shift … when we are speaking of 3 seconds>

Anyway.

I do go a little nuts when I read things like this … ‘according to data from Assisted Living Today, social media has shortened our attention span from 12 minutes, 20 years ago, to 5 seconds long in the present day and age. ‘

And they are nuts.

Or when I read things like this:

——————–

With the constant barrage of text messages, status alerts, news updates and video montages, it’s no wonder why the attention spans of those connected are waning. Our minds are constantly being interrupted while we multitask at work, at home or even in the car. In fact, I bet you have a hard time remembering the last time you were sitting idle and didn’t reach for your smart phone to check email, scores, or browse the latest tweets made by your favorite celeb just to fill the void.

And why wouldn’t you?

—————————–

Look.

Some people suggest that the internet is designed to distract. It is not. It is designed to engage and inform <whether it be useless or useful engagement and informing>. There is certainly not enough hours in the day to keep up with all the new content but that simply means we are learning a new way to filter what is important and what isn’t.

By the way.

That is not a lack of attention span. It is, in fact, an enhanced focus.

In fact the young have an innate ability to focus faster than old folk. But <once again>. That is not shorter attention span … that is improved focus ability.

That said.

It seems to me … we should care less if our attention span is decreasing or increasing.

It seems to me … we should be caring what people are DOING within the attention they are giving.

And it seems to me … I could create a fantastic argument that as attention spans may decrease <or is it that information provided is in a decreased size format?> we older folk suck at being able to ‘do’ within the more confined attention space and that the young excel at managing thought activity within a shorter span of time.

It also drives me a little nuts when I read things like sensational book titles suggesting ‘shallow thinking’ like “The Shallows: How the Internet is Changing the Way We Think, Read and Remember” by this guy Nicholas Carr who suggests that certain brain cells are neglected if we don’t use focused thinking. He also suggests a ‘use it or lose it’ thought with regard to these brain cells in that ultimately those pathways will fall apart.

Holy shit.

This guy is even more nuts.

Well.

He is correct in that the internet is changing how we think and remember. But that isn’t bad. It is just different. And once again … this is NOT shorter attention span <I would even argue it isn’t even ‘shallower’ > but rather a more efficient attention span — a hyperized attention. An ability to quickly focus and derive joy of the experience <no matter how long that experience is>.

Me?

I call this ‘focus to joy’ aspect … the ‘relax space’ … or the time your brain rests for a bit amongst all the other stimuli and experiences some pleasure. By the way … it is irrelevant if this ‘space’ is seconds or minutes or hours … it is more about the pleasure derived <in other words … I think it is silly if not absurd to suggest ‘more relax time’ means ‘more pleasure’ for everyone … everyone has their own ‘pleasure-meter’ to be met>.

That said.

People make a lot of noise about short attention spans and about the ‘flurry of choices in a fragmented world’ where people <and apparently their brains> are just skipping over the surface with wanton disregard for repercussions and learning.

Well.

That is another thought that seems kind of silly to me. Why? C’mon. We all still enjoy experiences. We still enjoy being stimulated <in any way you want to define it>.

Some in short doses.

Some in longer doses.

We invest time when interested. We invest time when we believe the experience will have value. But, once again, that isn’t about short attention spans … it is about experiencing experiences.

It’s about processing information.

——–

“Children from like 8 and even up to the college age – Spider-Man appeals to a fairly broad demographic but, like I said, a mean age probably of 12 is a good mark – they process information so quickly and it’s not because of attention deficit or short attention span.”

Thomas Haden Church

——–

And we ‘right size’ our attention depending on what it is we have to do … and what we actually want to experience. This one researcher calls it ‘different attention strategies for different contexts’:

———————-

Linda Stone worked on emerging technologies at Apple and then Microsoft Research in the 1980s and ’90s. Fifteen years ago, she coined the term continuous partial attention to describe the modern predicament of being constantly attuned to everything without fully concentrating on anything. We need different attention strategies in different contexts. The way you use your attention when you’re writing a story may vary from the way you use your attention when you’re driving a car, serving a meal to dinner guests, making love, or riding a bicycle. The important thing for us as humans is to have the capacity to tap the attention strategy that will best serve us in any given moment.

————————-

As humans, that includes kids, we right size our attention based on context … in other words … we right size based on perceived importance and perceived experience. And, once again, there is no scientific proof that attention span has decreased beyond the few seconds increments noted above.

Temple University Neurorecognition is the only place I believe who is conducting a research study on the theory that attention span has been decreasing.

– In recent years, the media has been pushing the idea that the attention span of students has been declining generation by generation. The media blames television programs and fast-action video games for this decline.

Does the decline exist and is this what people really think?

If so, what are the actual reasons for decline?

What can be done to remedy the situation?

The attention study will look at perceptions of attention, attention spans in students, and possible reasons for changes in attention capacity to explore this “hot” area.

———————

The answer? They have no correlated data to date.

Next.

The only semi-credible person who has logically addressed the speculation of a shorter attention span crisis, Marilee Sprenger, loses credibility because she often refers to the myth of right brain/left brain <because remember … we actually use our whole brain>. She often discusses some of her logic of ‘brain based teaching’ and ‘dealing with what is obvious as shorter attention spans in today’s children’ <her words>.

Hold on.

It is not so obvious.

This is subjectively making a perception a reality without objective truth <research>. In other words … this is anecdotal … or worse? … making shit up. I say that and think I would like to note that children have always had short attention spans <so content or technology is not creating short attention spans>.

It is their brain and the way it is built.

We had the same brain when we were growing up. And we, most of us, had attention span of gnats.

With that in mind … if we are truly honest … content providers have simply begun developing systems and experiential modes of communication that are better received by a young brain.

As for the digital world and technology … is there too much information or too many distractions? Gosh. I don’t think so.

It is what it is. And frankly it offers the opportunity – if the opportunity is maximized – to better educate and inculcate knowledge <and learning> than ever before.

In fact … to be a real contrarian … I wouldn’t take cell phones out of the classroom. I would learn to teach with them present. Isn’t that real world? Isn’t that an opportunity to teach focus within a sometimes sensory overload world?

Anyway.

Information/content is being developed in a better fashion to be absorbed by the young brain. Just as in the past … education’s challenge remains getting a kid to slow down long enough to think and absorb. But attention span in young will always be gnatlike. And attention span will always be driven by experience.

Therefore.

Are we confusing attention span with gratification?

Because instant gratification is not solely a youth characteristic. Everyone today seems a little less tenacious with regard to seeking out truth or maybe it is that we are all a little less patient with an ‘experience’ right in front of us.

Anyway.

Age aside.

Attention span is driven by a brain fueled by the need to encounter something new and different. Novelty is, and always has been, important to us. This is one reason why the technological revolution continues to engage the young and many of us.

I sat down to write this to partially defend our youth and partially to address the myth of shorter attention spans as a crisis.

In the end <part 1>?

Boy.

If you want this generation to get steamed go on any young person web portal and post your question and concerns on any ‘short attention span’ issues. You will have more young people coming out of the woodwork than you will know what to do with.

We are losing sight of the issue.

Once again.

We should care less if attention span is decreasing or increasing for that matter. We should be caring what people are DOING within the attention they are giving. I could create a fantastic argument that as attention spans may decrease we older folk suck at being able to ‘do’ within the more confined attention space and that the young excel at managing thought activity within a shorter span of time.

In the end <part 2>?

We are all Transumers <see attention span part 2>. We all seek enjoyment in transient experiences.

Kids and adults.

We are a new breed of people hungry for constant visual and auditory gratification.

We seem to be unable to remain motionless for longer than 60 seconds and we are ‘constantly moving happiness searching machines.’

This is the people, the humans, who on the outside are holding it together so well they don’t even get a ‘are you doing okay’ question.

This is the people who so quietly are falling apart.

By the way … this is NOT just a teen thing. This is just as much an adult thing as it is a teen thing.

So here’s the deal.

We, who are either slightly fallen apart or having fallen apart and put back together again or have figured out how to not fall to pieces at all, need to stop on occasion and … well … listen.

Listen closely for the sound one makes when they fall to pieces quietly.

Because there is a sound. It may be only a whisper of a sound. You may even confuse it for the rustle of falling leaves.

But.

Quietly or not … as the pieces fall apart they make a sound.

You just have to listen closely.

By the way … what differentiates humans from other species isn’t opposable thumbs or the size of our brains … but rather compassion and an interest in humans – interest as in seeing other people doing better, being better and just … well … having a better life.

While, of course, we want it to be better for ourselves we don’t want it to suck for others.

The difficulty in fulfilling this inner innate characteristic is the outer irate characteristic of Life. Life is always angrily demanding you to focus on it … and not the other humans occupying Life.

Look.

I am not suggesting saving humanity.

One Canadian teen just reminded me that saving a human … just one … can sometimes be enough.

Unfortunately … sometimes being different seems to put you in some hole where you appear to live where no one else lives.

Oddly enough if you can actually get out of the hole you would simply see that almost everyone has their own hole that Life makes you climb in and out of on occasion.

But inevitably, at some point, Life puts you in your hole and leaves you there … alone … with your thoughts … thoughts of how different you are or how different you think or simply how different your life is from every one else … and Life doesn’t help you get out of the hole. Because it is yours. And it is yours to figure out how to get out of.

Stay in the hole long enough and … yes … it begins to look like an abyss. A never ending abyss leading to some sort of personal hell.

Now.

Being yourself is extremely different in your tween & teen years than in your adult years.

In other words … not all holes and abysses are created equal.

We may like to think so but they aren’t.

An adult abyss is significantly different than a teen abyss.

I am certainly not suggesting that at any age you can find your way into a variety of different holes.

In fact … this hole thing … the abyss if you get stuck in the hole … when this abyss looks back at you it means that when you begin to know something that is fundamentally different from yourself … and you take a piece of it with you and it changes you and vice versa … all that I just said ? Well That much is pretty much the same at any age.

But that assumes you get out of the frickin’ abyss.

And that ability can only come from Life experience.

Kids just don’t know how to get out of the hole. They just don’t have the experience.

And even as we know some adults need help getting out of the hole … kids DEFINITELY need help getting out of the hole.

The adult example?

I will use a wonderful West Wing tv show episode, Noël, scene where Leo tells Josh the following story:

“This guy’s walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can’t get out.

“A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, ‘Hey you. Can you help me out?’ The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

“Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, ‘Father, I’m down in this hole can you help me out?’ The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on

“Then a friend walks by, ‘Hey, Joe, it’s me can you help me out?’ And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, ‘Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here.’ The friend says, ‘Yeah, but I’ve been down here before and I know the way out.'”

And I say this unequivocally … even if they are shrugging off the help or adamantly opposing the help or any other type of typical tween/teen independent ‘fuck you I don’t need your help’ attitude you will get.

Kids need help getting out of holes.

That’s it. No ifs, ands or buts.

They may not like asking for help … but they need it.

Look.

We encourage kids to embrace their individuality.

And we should.

But with that encouragement also comes a responsibility. For if they do embrace their individuality they will also be embracing the fact that they are in some form or fashion … different.

We don’t want our kids to be alike.

“The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.”

–

The Dawn

Self esteem really isn’t about ‘being alike’ or similarities or being part of the crowd. Sure. It can play a role. But real self esteem comes from embracing the individuality … the ‘true to thineself’ aspect that lies within everyone if they seek it.

And in that path to a strong self esteem … there are potholes … sometimes some really big deep frickin’ holes.

I can almost guarantee every kid will either slip into a hole or go crashing into a hole at some point in their young Life. I can guarantee that because there are so many holes … real ones and created ones <the worries that inevitably follow a young person through their teen years> … that it is simply not possible to miss them all.

I will share a teen truth just to remind all of us adults.

Teen life and high school is not really a melting pot but more a jungle, run along crude and arbitrary lines of popularity. The kids <today as was yesterday> face the onslaught full spectrum of adolescent anxiety … worrying what your peers will think … secret crushes <and finding the courage to tell the object of what is sometimes simply a fantasy> … worrying you’re too poor <or too rich>, worrying about your parents … worrying if you are good enough … even worrying if haven’t rolled the cuff of your jeans up just high enough to be right.

Some of that sound silly? You bet.

But we should take it all seriously.

Teen life is the worst and the best of Life.

It has dark, brutal undercurrents and the glittery sparkles of Hollywood all tempered by the disturbing ongoing clash of the dream and the reality.

All that said … they will need help getting out of whatever hole they fall in. And I am talking about active help … not simply insuring they now they have some intangible support system to lean on or reach out to. I say that because we are often quite flippant with regard to the belief that we are ‘there for them’ and the reality is that sometimes when they fall in one of their holes … they not only lose sight of you <and everything else> but the abyss steals their voice.

For any number of reasons <fear, insecurity, embarrassment, esteem, misplaced courage, independence, rebellion> they will not speak up … or out from the hole.

You have to be active. You cannot simply say ‘here is a rope and I can pull you up if you need help and take it.’ More often we have to jump in the hole yourself and join them.

For if you permit them to linger too long in the hole … well … the abyss will gaze into them. And inevitably that abyss will find some dark corner in the mind and will find a place to live, eat an breathe for years and years to come.

Look.

Holes are fine in Life.

They are part of Life.

You just have to make sure you know how to get out of them.

Just make sure you teach kids around you to get out of them.

Make sure you do not simply offer a lifeline out of a hole but jump in with them and show them the way out.

This question kept being put to Marian Salzman, the boss of Havas PR, by her older workers in the days after the firm launched its latest recruitment advertisement. Featuring eager young things using snazzy mobile devices, the ad highlights the company’s lack of hierarchy, and how recruits can choose their own work and talk back to their bosses, as they begin their “personal development journey”.

Although huge numbers of young people today are starting their working lives in one of the least welcoming labour markets in modern history, those with the right skills have never had it so good.

Employers have become convinced that they are at the start of a period of famine, and that the best talent has to be won at almost all costs.”

–

Winning the generation Game article from the 9/28 Economist

=============

Well.

This article from The Economist really got me steaming.

It almost made my head spin counterclockwise.

This kind of thinking drives me frickin’ crazy.

To be clear. It is not the part about discussing the challenges of managing generations with significantly different expectations in the work place <because … despite all the rhetoric … has always been existent in the workplace in some degree>. That is always a good pragmatic organizational discussion.

But there is this whole idea of pandering and <in my terms> ‘winning new employees at all costs’ using … well … what I would call ‘features’ that is nuts. Absolutely frickin’ nuts.

Features?

In other words … selling to young people on why they should be working some place not based on what company does but rather what the company will do for them or give to them.

Holy shit.

Is that ass backwards or what?

We cannot be this stupid <business leadership wise>.

Can we?

Approaching this topic this way is like suggesting you can build a loyal customer base off of coupons or promotions <… oh … you cannot>.

That kind of approach is simply encouraging an addictive relationship in which as soon as you stop the drug <the coupons or price-off promotions … or in an organizational case … the features in the work place> the people will seek the drug elsewhere.

By the way … if you are running a business … this is bad.

This whole issue seems absurd to me.

We have lost sight of what a business is supposed to be.

Attracting young talent … shit … any talent … isn’t about ‘features’ and free cell phones and working from home or even money <insert some exclamation points here> or even ‘personal development journey’ … it is about leadership and purpose and sense of belonging <with a business purpose in mind>.

And when I say purpose I don’t mean some altruistic vision <although it certainly is not a bad thing> but rather ‘doing something’ type stuff … stuff that is exciting, useful, adventuresome, different, powerful, etc.

Anyway.

It’s almost like everyone has forgotten in all this discussion about different generations’ and their likes & dislikes in the work place … is that people, yes, even employees <of all ages> like to be led.

Not always told what to do and how to do it … but led. Think ‘look at the compass and let’s go’ type leading.

Alrighty then.

So then let’s talk about leaders and leadership and character and managing the younger generation in business.

Whew. This one is a humdinger these days. This elephant isn’t even invisible and it gets ignored. In fact, many leaders just stare at the elephant and shake their head and go “oh well, there’s that damn elephant but there’s nothing I can do about it.”

It’s crazy. I have written about this before and, yes, I am going to generalize … but … this doesn’t have anything to do with “this generation’s work ethic” or “young kids just don’t have the same attitude as we did” (gosh, anyone reading that I would hope would feel old if they know they have said it themselves) … this is about leadership.

It’s not about being cool or wearing flip flops to work to show you ‘relate’ to the generation.

In fact, dear leader, they don’t want you to relate … they want you to lead.

A leader doesn’t have to be a ‘giant’ like I have written about before but they have to be a leader. Employees don’t have to like you (although it helps) they have to respect you. And that crosses any generation at any time with any age employee. Being a leader (and however that particular leader utilizes leadership-like charisma) will overcome 90+% generational issues (flip flops in the office should take care of the rest).

—————

Look.

This whole generations in the workplace topic is misguided because it is actually avoiding the key topic businesses should be talking about.

Who is leading the damn company?

In other words … what has happened to leadership?

Now.

Not everyone can lead.

And not everyone in a leader position is actually a good leader.

Great leadership is inspired by great ideas and great beliefs and a great vision and the ability to make mistakes with nerves of steel … and deal with those mistakes in a way that the organization doesn’t lose its overall ‘hope.’

What does that all really define <albeit you will not see it in any dictionary>?

Strength of character.

They may not be the smartest.

They may have charisma and they may not.

They may not be the best at any responsibility they have had up until that point <functionally>.

But they know how to lead.

And people follow … not blindly <just to be clear> … but because out of respect and trust for their long term hopes.

<note: because I had a fabulous discussion on the significant difference between ‘following and being led’ – of which I believe there is a massive difference between the two – I will offer a follow up post on this topic>

These leaders don’t give ‘features’ to entice employees and they don’t talk about flexible work hours … they give words and inspiration and direction and hope.

Good ole Napoleon who, for all his egotistical warts, knew something about leadership said … we are dealers in hope.

By the way.

Hope is not a feature <not even really sure it is a benefit>.

Anyway.

Because I have always wished I could be a great leader I am always watching out for leadership type thinking and words … and I have kept this speech in my files for decades.

———

– “A Company of Adventurers”

“There had to be something special about this enterprise to attract the talented and venturesome people who have come together to exercise their considerable talents and to derive from it the things that make for full and satisfying life.

When I talk of this company, I am not thinking just of a legal or business entity. I am using the word in the older sense, as in a company of scholars, as a company of adventurers, or a company of voyagers. I think our companionship partakes of all these things.

Our relationships are subtle and highly sensitive relationships ….

Our job must be to share authority without losing it …

The whole staff must have a proprietary feeling about the company’s work.

We are a permanently dissatisfied company and so far as I can see, we shall not run out of things to be dissatisfied about. I think our work, in most instances, is the best of its kind in the world – and yet not good enough. Not as good as it is going to be. There has not been and there should never be a year when it is not better than the year before.

Our audience is getting more demanding all the time – it is not a question of talking down to them. The problem, the opportunity, is to talk far enough up to them.

We must be dynamic for purposes bigger than ourselves. “

Author: Sam Meek, ex – CEO of J. Walter Thompson – delivered in 1965.

———–

Well.

That, my friends, is someone to follow.

I would trust my future and ‘personal development journey’ to this guy. I don’t know him and I imagine I may not even like him if I met him <he sounds like a ball buster who is never satisfied> but I don’t have to like him … I just need to follow his damn ass toward another frickin’ adventure.

C’mon.

‘Be dynamic for purposes bigger than ourselves’?

Sign me up.

I will even pay for my own cell phone and I will come into the office and not work remotely.

This is character driven leadership. Not ‘feature-driven’ leadership.

Now.

Please note.

This leader may not always be always popular <or well liked> mainly because they don’t fear telling people that they are wrong <because they are influencing the organization through a set belief/attitude structure>.

This type of leader influences throughout the organization like a pebble in the middle of a pond with their philosophy and beliefs and hope … as guidance for ideas and purpose.

A character driven leader tends to be respected <but … and noted earlier … not always liked>.

A character driven leader works towards what is “right” <not what will make people happy> and the benefit of the organization & people rather than acting in order to be recognized.

A character driven leader empowers responsibilities that enhance the people and the organization <and often will be almost invisible in the success … unless they also combine charisma with character>.

Bottom line.

The best leaders don’t just lead.

They have character.

They recognize that business is about dollars and cents <in that if you don’t generate enough dollars and cents you have no business> but they also recognize that dollars and cents isn’t why they themselves come into the office day in and day out … and that their organization doesn’t really want to come into the office day in and day out for that.

Frankly … these types of leaders know that ‘features’ and ‘money’ is a house of cards from which to build an organization.

By the way … that is a Business Truth regardless of an employee’s age, experience or generational attitude.

Now.

Hope is a tricky thing … particularly in an uneven seemingly semi-chaotic world.

Therefore part of a leader’s burden is giving hope in the face of fear.

And a substantial portion of the burden is while the vision and hope and desire he/she is offering is somewhere over the horizon … many of the organization are worried about ‘hope today.’ Fear is shoved splinter by splinter into the hand offering long term hope.

A great leader absorbs the daily pain, removes splinters and keeps everyone moving toward the horizon.

And maybe most difficult? Encouraging action when there is a temptation to freeze … and there is a temptation to doubt … and <sometime even worse> a temptation to second guess..

I could say this about everyone … but suffice it to say … young people want someone to ‘show the way’ or at least show ‘what could be.’

And be believable.

By the way <once again> … nowhere in all of that … even if I squint between the lines … do I see any pandering or features or free smartphone giveaways … all I see is some tough love and hope.

Oh.

And leadership.

I am not suggesting this is the easy way.

In fact … offering ‘choose your own work’ or ‘lack of hierarchy’ or any of those things – which possibly compromise a good efficient and effective organization – is actually much much <insert many more ‘muches’ here> easier.

But you know what?

The heights of leadership is rare air coupled with a burden of many aspects.

The greatest accept the burden.

And by the ‘greatest’ I not only mean the individual as a leader … but an organization … a business … as a leader.

So, please <said with dripping sarcasm>, stop with the ‘doing whatever it takes to get the young people into your organization’ tripe.

So, please <said with dripping sarcasm>, stop overstating the generational issues in the workplace and get on with leading.

Because, frankly, any leader bitching about ‘behavior in the workplace’ when referring to emailing or using smartphones in the office or any of those types of things needs to get their head out of their proverbial ass and just frickin’ lead.

In the end.

All my ranting aside.

Business is pretty simple.

People working toward a common business purpose – who are well led – are focused, passionate <when needed> and pragmatic <see ‘working hard’> when it is called for and they get good shit done.

Now there is a vision … ‘getting good shit done.’

I could start a company with that vision alone … keep my head in the game as a leader focused solely on that in guiding a business … and I gotta tell ya.

People would line up to join. Young, middle aged and old.

Why?

Well my friends.

That is called a “tangible display of hope.’

What do I mean?

– 1. I hope I can be dynamic beyond my own purpose.

– 2. How will I do that?

– 3. By getting good shit done.

Anyway.

“Choose their own work and talk back to bosses”????? … please … someone just frickin’ lead.

According to recent Dove Global research, only 11% of girls worldwide are comfortable using the word “beautiful” to describe themselves. In fact, when girls feel bad about their looks, more than 70% (age 15-17) avoid normal daily activities, such as attending school, going to the doctor, or even giving their opinion.

———

So.

While poor self esteem may be an equal opportunity employer it seems like it is making a concerted effort to recruit the female population … and begin the recruiting at a fairly young age. Let’s say about 13 is the age poor self-esteem has identified as the key recruiting age.

That said.

We have all heard of the terms self-concept, self-image or self-esteem.

Simplistically.

Self-esteem is a measure of how you feel about yourself. Good self-esteem is when you have a favorable opinion or judgment about yourself and, ultimately, liking and respecting yourself.

Now.

While self-esteem is important to everyone … I tend to believe it is especially important to pay attention to <we adults> because Life can be a little harsh toward young girls and, eventually, women <by the way … contrary to popular belief, research has shown that there are no significant differences in the way boys and girls feel about themselves during those periods of development>.

And the truth is <and I do have research … but this just seems like common sense> that the longer you feel unappreciated <or under-appreciated> and taken advantage of, the worse you will feel about yourself <especially when you aren’t in a relationship where someone appreciates you> but, in general, the worse you will feel about yourself when you are alone.

And let’s be clear … that alone time where your thoughts gnaw at you.

I admit I get a little pissed off when I watch how low self esteem in young girls, and those young girls who have turned into women, because it is needless. Not that we can solve all self-esteem issues but we can certainly take significant steps at key moments in a young girl’s life to manage it … if not even completely head off self esteem issues.

All that said let me highlight what one company is doing to address this.

Dove and the Dove girl’s self-esteem campaign.

And it is brilliant not because it will sell one bar of Dove soap <it may … but I will leave all that analysis to the brand building experts> but rather because it is a great example of the right brand offering the right message with the right objective. And doing what is … well … right.

Let me begin with the video that kicked off this Dove self esteem fun initiative. It is called “onslaught:”

Dove. A bunch of people will probably write about how this is a smart marketing idea (consistent with brand, establishes the product positively with a young audience, bla, bla, bla) so I will write about how this is just a good human idea.

Self esteem in youth is tricky in general.

Young girls? Exponentially trickier.

If you can solve it <or at least manage it> in youth … the benefits carry over into a healthier adulthood. And that is why I love this campaign as a human idea.

And let me say that the web video is something they should be proud of. I cannot imagine the political maze and how many meetings they must have had with corporate communications <remember…Dove is a Unilever brand> discussing risk and crisis management and media relations and all the crap everyone worries about when you actually take a stand on something. The video takes the issue head on.

<Well done, Dove>

I also like that it does several things:

– Mainly it opens the discussion

– They make the discussion about perfection within the imperfections

– and it also takes on society pressure head on <and Dove is part of a health & beauty company for gods sake>. The campaign aims to boost self-esteem by reshaping the definitions of beauty forced on viewers by the beauty industry.

Now.

I am not suggesting appearance is the only self-esteem issue that should be discussed but feeling comfortable in your own skin is especially important to young girls. Research shows that it is around the age 13 when self-esteem and appearance reaches a critical point. Let us call it a defining moment in their lives.

Bottom line is that it is wrong to tell CHILDREN <not just girls>that “this person is attractive, therefore, this person is better than you and you will never be attractive as long as you don’t look like this person.”

Look.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make yourself pretty as long as you’re not going to extreme lengths like most of the beauty industry promotes.

Being comfortable with your appearance, and not feeling odd or even simply ‘unusual’ is important because having a good self-esteem is needed in youth both today and tomorrow.

I tend to believe we all see young girls struggle with confidence and perception issues as they move into this tween period. It is a tough time in many ways. The crossover from being just a girl to a maturing young tween.

Yes, I know adult women have these issues too, but I would argue the root of the issues resides somewhere in their past. I think the series of videos Dove produced do a great job of gaining attention and making adult women aware of the program … and hopefully remind them they can do something to insure it doesn’t happen to tomorrow’s future female generation.

<and … it is excellent use of music … using probably one of the truly unique women of our generation … who was probably esteem-challenged in her youth … Cyndi Lauper>

Every girl, yes, every girl <traditionally pretty or nontraditionally pretty> will go through a phase where self-image and self-esteem are questioned and molded. During this self-examination phase it is important to establish a healthy sense of self-worth and maintain well-being. Unfortunately I believe we need to proactively cultivate and engage the activities and relationships that will build up rather than tear down.

Uhm.

Yes.

We need to ‘proactively’ take steps. Because, left alone, society will kill self esteem with a death of a thousand cuts.

We need to proactively remind all young girls that they have strengths and weakness, and it’s important to begin focusing on the positive attributes and start building from there.

And even if it is difficult to see these strengths <because it is really easy to suggest to yourself … ‘well … that isn’t really a strength … because someone is a lot better at it then I am’> we need to remind, and teach, young girls to grab onto their own strengths and hold onto them.

And that is a responsibility we adults need to assume <because society will not>.

Silence just will not hack it in this case.

If you let that ever-hyperactive tween mind wrestle with the doubts and societal cuts it is a self-esteem accident waiting to happen.

One Tree Hill Brooke

Anyway.

This topic also reminded me of a One Tree Hill episode in which each of the students as a class assignment had to define themselves. One of the characters, Brooke, who is smart, beautiful, popular who only defines herself through the negative … through her ‘self seen’ flaws … finally, with the help of a friend/classmate, sees herself in a different, more positive/stronger, way.

I am not recommending everyone watch One Tree Hill <although this one episode is a defining episode> but it points out that self awareness leads to addressing self esteem issues <and, in her case, leads to a happy ending>.

——-

“What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.”

“The story of the human race is the story of men and women selling themselves short.”

Maslow

——–

Now.

Does this end up being an example of maybe ‘are we teaching them they are better than someone else’?

Well … sometimes yes and sometimes no.

Sometimes they are actually better and sometimes not. But it doesn’t matter. We are teaching them they are what they are good at and it is okay to understand that being good at something doesn’t mean you are the “best’ but rather you are good at something. We end up teaching them to work with whatever their strengths and natural abilities are.

————

Research factoid:

– Researchers at the University of Basel in Switzerland made this finding after analyzing U.S. survey data of more than 7,000 young adults from 1994 to 2008. The participants ranged in age from 14 to 30 years. Over the course of 14 years, the study authors examined how five personality traits (openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness and neuroticism) affected the youth’s self-esteem. In addition, the researchers also looked at the participants’ sense of life mastery, risk-taking tendencies, gender, ethnicity, health and income. “We tested for factors that we thought would have an impact on how self-esteem develops … understanding the trajectory of self-esteem is important to pinpointing and timing interventions that could improve people’s self-esteem.”

The researchers found that conscientiousness, emotional stability, a feeling of mastery and being extraverted are key to predicting the direction a person’s self-esteem will take as they grow up, and that income did not affect this course.

—————

Why do I believe we really need to get our shit together in helping tweens <say 11 til 14 in particular> in dealing with self esteem?

Well.

Several things make you the person you are today. Confidence and self esteem and emotional intelligence. And you aren’t given these things when you are born. You accumulate them and they grow into what you “have” as time goes on.

Our self-image is an accumulation of years. From childhood on on we collect ideas of how smart we are or how non-smart, whether we are confident or have specific fears, we decide how we look in comparison to our peers and the list goes on and on. Oh. And then society steps up to the plate. And they pile on to everything you have stored in your head.

Basically our entire self-image has been made up from all our experiences throughout our childhood. We carry these beliefs, whether they have any truth to them or not, into the post-tween years and into adullthood. And at the core of whether we are happy or sad people, successful or unsuccessful, is our self esteem and self image.

It is true we are what we believe we should be.

People with low self-esteem have a very distorted image of themselves.

In a book called ‘Self-Esteem’ <McKay and Fanning> they use the analogy of a circus mirror where all our assets are minimized or twisted, and all our defects are magnified.

Youth or childhood certainly plays an integral role. This is what makes up the differences of people in society, for some their self-image has been molded and shaped in a very positive way. Yet for others it can be drastically damaged through destructive criticism received throughout their childhood.

All adults play a big role in the person’s development.

Yes. All adults.

Okay.

And the role of appearance in the self esteem issue?

I actually think of all this as ‘abusive verbal experiences <‘you look different’>’ which join with cultural messages to assault female self esteem.

This kind of subtle abuse is pervasive and cuts across all socioeconomic lines. It invariably sends the message that the victim is worthless … or certainly that they are not even close to being the best.

And I bring up verbal abuse because many women believe that verbal abuse has hurt them far more than any physical act. As one woman has put it … “words scarred my soul.”

And women whose verbal abuse started as children end up having the most fragile sense of identity and self worth.

And poor self esteem often results in depression and anxiety. Physical health suffers as well. Many times, women with low self esteem don’t go for regular checkups, exercise, or take personal days because they really don’t think they’re worth the time.

And relationships are impacted as well. Their needs are not met by their partner because they feel like they don’t deserve to have them met, or are uncomfortable asking. Their relationships with children can suffer if they are unable to discipline effectively, set limits, or demand the respect they deserve.

And worse yet, low self-esteem passes from mother to daughter. The mother is modeling what a woman is. She is also modeling, for her sons, what a wife is.

And it bleeds into the workplace where women with low self-esteem tend to be self-deprecating, to minimize their accomplishments, or let others take credit for their work. They never move up.

Well. That was a lot of “ands.” And that was depressing to write.

And even more depressing?

We can do something about it … but we don’t seem to do anything.

I say all this to say the obvious … building self esteem at a young age is important because people with high self-esteem tend to do well and achieve success in their life because they feel confident about themselves mentally, emotionally, physically and socially.

It is a truth, in fact … a fact, that no one goes through life unscathed. Poor self esteem is an equal opportunity employer.

Okay.

We can do something about this.

I am going to focus on adults here. I will being with something someone wrote:

——–

Life is a hard situation but one sure way a parent can help a young girl is to help the teen build their confidence and self worth. A teen with high self confidence and self-esteem are not simply manipulated into making the incorrect decisions because they don’t feel the pressure of the crowd.

Parents should be in a position to teach their youths that folks come in all shapes and sizes that way they will be ready to be more accepting of their physical features and would also be non-judgmental of others. Inspire them to get into activities where the field is equal. Good social skills, and confidence in self, helps a teen deal with differing types of scenarios and people. And guiding them to utilize their strengths helps because excelling in anything can enhance a young person’s confidence and self esteem.

Parents cannot be there all of the time but they must be ready to lend a hand when their kids need a hand to hold on to. For sure there’ll be screw ups along the way but a little failure is always a good sign.Most importantly, you must teach resilience to your kids.

Parents are not designed to shield their youngsters from discomfort and discomfort but rather for them to make certain they can go through pain and pain and then come out fine. Ensure that it is clear that you will never abandon them no matter what. Respect their autonomy by giving them the vote of confidence that they can handle any situation

——–

Good thoughts.

And you don’t need to be some radical cheerleader. And you do not have to be a parent to be this kind of teacher … ALL adults can play a role.

It is a research driven truth that quiet expressed belief in a child has more impact than being a loud cheerleader.

That quiet belief leads to quiet <inner> strength.

Which is important because in life it’s difficult to stay tough specially when things and people around you keep pulling you down.

We should also be teaching young girls that they have their own identity. They do not get defined by us <adults> … i.e., if your parent is a failure in some way, it doesn’t mean you have to be a failure too.

And we should teach them they can learn from other people’s experience so they can avoid the same mistakes because you are … well … you … and not them.

I do not believe some people are born leaders or positive thinkers. I do believe being positive, and staying positive, and leading … is a choice.

Building self esteem and drawing lines for self improvement is a choice, not a rule or a talent.

Because, once again, in life it is hard to stay tough specially when things and society and people around you keep tearing at you.

We need to teach them that Life isn’t always easy.

Tell them they are going to get hit, and even bruised, by life.

You have to be resilient. But resiliency implies you have a good foundation to protect. That foundation is the right attitude, the right behavior and the right way of thinking.

If we start to teach our young people that if they become responsible for who they are, what they have and what they do … it effectively spreads out into the rest of their life – the today and the tomorrow life.

These are smart girls.

One day they will be smart women.

This young tween age a defining moment. A reflection moment some day in the future. A point on which they will reflect upon their actions and life.

If they are ashamed? It will gnaw at them.

And that is why I applaud Dove for taking this step. Their actions today try and build the women of tomorrow.

I have had this post in my draft folder since mid March. It just didnt seem done enough to post. Like it was missing something. And then the news about Junior Seau’s suicide came out yesterday. Not everyone will know Junior <a great USC football player and NFL linebacker> and that is okay … the point is he was 43. And successful. And his friends and family had no idea he had thoughts of suicide.

I am sure they all heard “I’m fine” numerous times.

Two things hit me hard when the story came out.

First. His mother <and please don’t get me started on who the idiot was who thought it would be a good idea to put a grieving mother in front of a microphone only hours after learning her son had died> saying “who would do this to my son?” It was not even in the realm of possibility in her grief stricken state to consider he was suicidal.

Second. An ex-teammate holding back tears onscreen describing how Junior would get injury treatment in private so his teammates never saw him ‘less than.’ And how that same teammate broke down admitting he never thought that would translate the same way into personal life … and the pain in his voice when he said “if only he had told us … any of us would have been there for him.”

<note: I am not sure anything is a stronger reminder of how suicide impacts anyone and everyone than watching a massive man who has singlehandedly destroyed other very large strong men on the football field sob over the helplessness of not being able to do anything … or being given the chance to do something>

Look.

We should not be fooled into thinking this is just about sports concussions or athletes who struggle with life after sports. Yes. These men are well oiled competitive sports machines who are ‘wired’ to be that way. But. We would be foolish to not believe that there are also well oiled competitive life machines.

People who go through life … well … just fine <thank you very much>.

They look smooth and seamless in life. They take bumps and bruises from life in stride and inevitably shrug them off and keep on playing the game of life at a highly competitive level.

Ah.

But. (Yeah there is a but).

Behind closed doors.

I go back to the two things that struck me the most in the Junior Seau aftermath.

Mother. Disbelief “who would do this to my son” (never crossing her mind it could be suicide). Athlete friend. He always took treatment in private so that in front of us he was always the best he could be.

And that same friend saying that no one would have hesitated to be there … if he had let them in.

Well oiled Life machine people are always “fine.”

“I’m fine” is one of those evasive phrases we use when we have no intention of elaborating.

Ok.

Maybe think about it this way.

“I’m fine” may be the single most common lie.

You know what I mean.

Someone asks “how are you?” and you say “I’m fine.”

And you aren’t.

It sucks at that moment. And maybe not normal sucking … maybe some big time sucking at the moment.

It happens. Just as Life happens.

And because you are a ‘well oiled life machine’ you know people see you as ‘fine’ so … you use the words to confirm it.

Some thoughts.

What do we do when “I’m fine” is simply camouflage for some private and intensely personal material that because we never <or very rarely share> is next to impossible to say out loud?

First.

Think about the material that is really ‘not fine.’ And maybe redefine it in your head so that you can actually get to ‘second.’

Second.

This is the easy answer <for me to say> … talk. Speak. Say something.

Simply say “well … not fine.”

I say that and I purposefully put <for me to say> because I could just as easily have put ‘this is the hard part <for me to do>.’ And I honestly believe I am not that different with regard to this as others.

The simple act of talking can be incredibly important … and incredibly difficult. Talking openly about emotions and feelings is a good thing … and incredibly difficult. Issues should not go unnoticed … and is incredibly difficult to be noticed for something like this.

Hmmmmm …. incredibly difficult.

So what do we do? <the truth> … we would rather lie.

This ordi­nary lie is in every­day life.

And just as lying, in general, is not a good thing in this case … if you are not paying attention … really paying attention … this lie … unattended … will keep the indi­vid­ual from chang­ing for the bet­ter … and actually will keep the person from being fine at some point … and, at its worst, will reach a Junior Seau level.

Ok.

“I am fine.”

This may not be a lie for you … but <this I guarantee … unequivocally guarantee> someone within the next week who says “I’m fine” is not.

Because I don’t think that most peo­ple are “fine” most of the time.

Most of us have prob­lems.

And many of us have seri­ous prob­lems … phys­i­cal ill­nesses, addic­tions, emo­tional strug­gles, marriage stuff, real finan­cial difficulties, inordinate job stress, and par­ent­ing chal­lenges … or any number of real Life issues that can keep us up at night.

That’s life.

It is not whining … nor ‘weak’ … we have all faced some of these prob­lems in life and when we do … we are not ‘fine’.

We are … well … just ‘dealing.’ Or maybe just coping.

But that is not fine.

Not fine is being con­fused, sad, hurt, scared, lonely, angry, lost. All of which different people deal with differently <and obviously everyone has a different capacity for ‘not fine’ stuff> but dealing well or not dealing with … it is all in the “I am not fine” category.

This is tough stuff.

This is personal stuff.

And for most people it’s not easy to be hon­est and truth­ful about our trou­bles. It is part self reflection struggle and part ‘strength of character’ struggle <makes me look weak>.

But I believe more people need to be honest. Because I honestly believe it is the only way to get the help to get bet­ter.

But that’s me.

Many peo­ple would rather just answer “I’m fine.”

Too embar­rassed to share their prob­lems, maybe even to them­selves, they lie.

Lying to themselves.

Lying to someone else.

Doesn’t matter.

It’s a lie.

And within the lie they get, and remain, trapped.

Trapped in situations that often go from bad to worse.

And worse leads to the worst <which in most minds is ‘unsolvable>. That, my friends, is the slippery slope of this lie.

If you’re anx­ious and wor­ried all of the time, you’re not fine.

If you’re stressed and angry all the time you’re not fine.

If you’re fight­ing with your spouse/parents all the time, you’re not fine.

If you’re drift­ing through life with­out a pur­pose, you’re not fine.

But <here’s the good news>.

It’s okay not to be fine.

It’s okay to talk about it.

It’s okay to acknowledge that your mind can have issues just like any part of your body.

Acceptance is half the battle in my opinion.

Everyone has their weak spots.The one thing that despite your best efforts, will always bring you to your knees, regardless of how strong you are otherwise.-Sarah Dessen

However, in my experience, even the smartest strongest people fall short of accepting anything other than “I’m fine” even when confronted with glaring in-the-face facts about illogical and irrational behavior. Those well oiled Life machines cannot envision not being well oiled.

To them it is all or nothing with very very little inbetween.

Anyway.

Why did I write this?

Well.

Because I like writing about the truth.

Because Junior Seau, a 43 year old man, who to his friends was “fine” committed suicide.

Because I was also just reading about some really jarring truth in Amanda Beard’s memoir. A young woman who has, what, 7 Olympic gold medals? Posed for magazines?

But possibly it is only truth that can finally set you free from the ‘not fine’ category.

Oh.

Because I want to just remind everyone. Receivers, and ignore-ers, of “I’m fine” are just as culpable in this lie. We sometimes just aren’t paying attention <for good and bad reasons … you judge yourself … I cannot>.

So.

Pay attention.

Sometimes “I’m fine” is truly a lie.

And someone needs help.

And sometimes those who need the help the most just do not know how to ask for it.

Because of the business I am in (marketing advertising business consulting) I am constantly inundated with the buzzwords associated with the “new and unique” … and all the pontificators who spout them … and how people are constantly suggesting the world is changing – like it has never changed before.

Second.

Because of the age I am at …. I am constantly inundated with how people of my generation suggest <state> how today is more difficult for people than ever before.

I admit.

I kind of chuckle when I hear all this.

I often seem to create a maelstrom of conversational misery when I state things like “change is the constant companion of every generation” … or say something like “it isn’t any more difficult for this generation it is just different.”

Frankly.

Most people my age think I am nuts when I say it.

Shit.

Most people any age.

Or think I am out of touch with what is happening around us.

Ok.

If I were sensitive, I would care.

Or more likely I would care if I didn’t find quotes like this.

“… my spirit is also cheered by the obvious tendencies of the age in which we live. No nation can now shut itself from the surrounding world and trot around the same old path of its fathers. A change has come over the affairs of mankind. … intelligence is penetrating the darkest corners of the globe.”

This sure sounds like something you may have heard on CNN or BBC from someone talking about what is happening in the Middle East or Russia.

Or maybe on CSPAN talking about the shifting global economy.

But.

Think 1850 (or abouts).

Think Frederick Douglas in a speech in NYC.

Think about the fact that each generation has faced some radical change and thought process and attitude.

Yup.

The more things change the more they stay the same.

What also stays the same?

Each generation gets “left behind” as another races toward what will be.

And there is friction between generations. It is friction created because the generation always being left behind is the older one.

The one that is supposed to be smarter.

The one that is supposed to know the best.

Well.

Is this a generalization? Sure. But the truth? Mostly.

Pieces or parts smarter and know the best? Yes. Sure.

On the whole? Nope.

Ok.

To be fair. A minority of those being left behind actually enjoy the ride. They empower the youth. Fuel it. Guide it. Not restrict it. Those few get to enjoy a longer thrill ride.

But they are few.

On the whole the majority of the older generation holds on for dear life <a stranglehold in fact> to what they know and makes them comfortable. And it would possibly be okay of they did that and remained silent … but instead they complain about what is lost within the following generations and try and slow change.

It is too bad.

For by focusing on what is lost they neglect to have the amazing opportunity to see what is gained.

But.

Regardless.

In the end.

Change comes upon us whether we want it or not. As Frederick Douglas said in 1850 … ‘you cannot ignore the intellect of the world.’

True in 1850.

True in 2012.

True in 2172.

Ok.

Moving on to business.

Yup.

A comment on the business aspect of this thought (older generations holding on to older thoughts).

This is the craziest aspect.

Big business is always (ALWAYS) slow to change. It is part of their personal survival-thinking DNA.

But its actually death-thinking DNA.

Creative Destruction is all about the small (entrepreneurs) disrupting and destroying the status quo and that of ‘the big’ and through the destruction they begin recreating what is right and good for the economy.

So.

After reading that you may think “old” entrepreneurs would be part of the minority “happy few change agents.” (the few who recognize that the more things change the more they stay the same)

Well.

Nope.

Most typically they are actually the worst ‘non-change’ offenders.

Yes. All generations exhibit more conservative less risky behavior as they age.

But. Successful entrepreneurs, turned successful independent business owners, seem to most often exhibit this conservative (on steroids) behavior. My guess it is driven mostly by fear of losing what they gained (by the way … thinking this way isn’t exactly a stupendous growth strategy nor a healthy business environment if you want to have millennials as employees). But I also believe there is an aspect of refusal to let go of things that brought them that success.

It is slightly strange … but that which made them successful … they now disregard, and have discarded, under the guise of “maturity” or ‘mature businesses need to be managed differently than growth businesses’.

Oh.

And it is all compounded by their belief that past failed attempts should be avoided (even if someone has a thought on how that “failed” scenario could be viewed differently and therefore maybe the learning from that experience may have been flawed).

Now. I am not suggesting all past experience should be ignored. Or that successful entrepreneurs need to completely relive their aggressive risk (but smart) behavior that carved out their success.

But older business owners need to let go of some ‘beliefs.’ Not because they are wrong but rather because they are wrong ‘now.’

In addition sometimes new people provide new perspective on their growth (success & failures) experience. The new people possibly have just seen “from the other side” and discern different learnings.

It is fresh perspective.

And most independent business people lose perspective as time goes on …. because they have cocooned themselves within their successful behavior <and their successes>.

Regardless. This rant post all comes down to several overarching thoughts.

Each generation faces radical adversity.

Each generation facilitates extraordinary change (beneficial as a whole).

Each older generation is extraordinarily reluctant to release that which is comfortable to them (and what they “know” … or believe to know).

And, lastly.

We older folk, manager types, should reflect upon this.

Why?

Because we are managers. And we are managers of those who will beget what will be better than what we have done or created. That doesn’t diminish what we have done. And we should embrace the fact we have created an environment for others to go farther than we were able to go.

We wonder why managing young people (call them millennials if you would like) is so difficult?

Well.

It is because we are holding them back (in general). It’s like trying to tame mustangs in the Wild West. Except we, unlike the savvy old cowboys, don’t reflect on the beauty of the wildness of the mustang as we try and tame them.

We simply see the wild untamedness and believe it is a shame they are so wild.

Older managers, to be successful, need to admire the beauty of the untamed. And not seek to break the mustangs but rather guide their energy to enable them to take the herd to the heights it deserves.

This is a simple idea in concept but fraught with peril in implementation.

The concept.

If your reason for being is big enough you will get noticed.

I will state the obvious behind this thought just to get it out of the way.

If your reason for being is big enough there is …

– no need to stand in the middle of a room and shout for attention.

– no need to do cartwheels in the middle of a mall.

– no need to run naked in the middle of a soccer match (thank god).

– no need to wear a clown suit (unless you are a clown for a living).

And best of all …

– no need for a dozen jelly donuts (or bagels) or any food bribery when you go to meetings.

If all that interests you then keep reading.

Let me begin by defining ‘reason for being.’

I mean what you stand for and what you say and what you do day in and day out.

I mean what you want to be seen as and ultimately known for (not something tangible … something intangible).

And while this could be about companies and business (and I may try a word replace just to see if that is true) I am gonna keep this one focused on you and I and us (as individuals).

Ok.

Whether we admit it or not we all want to be noticed.

We don’t want to be overlooked or underappreciated (for either a talent or just as a person).

That is normal. And has nothing to do with ego or ‘humbleness’ or any of that type of stuff.

This is just good ole self esteem and such. This is just about receiving some confirmation that your existence matters (in normal words … ‘you matter’) and some positive reinforcement for self being.

And I decided to write about this not only because I hate (abhor) the things on the ‘no need’ list I typed but I also believe getting noticed is one of the biggest challenges people face.

It is a fact that not being noticed is an obstacle to a lot of things that truly matter.

It makes it harder to communicate what you want to say.

It makes it more difficult to make an impact.

And it makes it nearly impossible to change the world (change meaning small, medium, large or extra large in impact).

I say this to make the point that getting noticed does matter.

And it matters a shitload.

And, once again, getting noticed (in the right way) has never been about being outrageous.

Getting noticed, like any other incredibly difficult challenge, is all about who you are.

It’s about your attitude.

It’s about becoming some color when everything else is black & white.

Its about finding your own way of being distinct.

And mostly it is about finding out what you are good at and being comfortable with who you are as a person.

And if you do all of that … people will naturally gravitate to you (the corollary to that is if people do not gravitate to you then rather than bitch about why they don’t maybe you should begin to reflect upon yourself first).

So.

Some thoughts about being comfortable with who you are (the core to being distinct individually and ultimately noticed the ‘right way’):

– Be comfortable doing what everyone else thinks is wrong.

Now. I don’t mean all of the time. I simply mean on things that matter. Why? Because accomplishing anything that truly matters starts with the belief that you may have to be different … and its okay to be different. Oh. And not just “shades of gray” different.

You have to be completely different.

Yup.

Sometimes for people to know that something new is occurring (and want to be involved) you have to commit as a person to capture the essence of the ‘difference’ in what you say and how you present yourself. Oh. And “new” most often comes to life by having the ability to point out things that make people feel uncomfortable (because you are debating the status quo).

In the business world this is called ‘disruption.’ BUT. At its core disruption only is effective if it is relevant.

Being different for different sake is wrong. That is making an empty statement. Be comfortable in insightful relevant disruption.

And it is easy to overlook the important things because … well … it is easier to focus on the ridiculous (and it is ridiculous).

If you want to change the conversation and get people talking with you (as well as about you), start talking about all this ridiculous stuff. Spend the time to create intellectual arguments that get people thinking.

Next.

– Understand effort matters.

Oh. And, in particular, effort for the moments that really matter … well … really matter.

Get it in your head now (no ifs, and or buts) that there are truly no easy get rich schemes. Believe it deep in your soul. Etch it somewhere on your body if you have to. One of the most debilitating things that can happen is a choice to make personal investments in shortcuts.

No shortcut can replace effort. The same thing applies to vision and how you manage details. There is nothing to do but “DO”. That’s the attitude that you need to have. And if by expending massive amounts of effort on things that matter you happen to gain success, then absolutely enjoy it. You will get noticed for the effort on what matters.

Is this true all the time? Nope.

But consistency wins this particular game. You will be tempted by the short cuts (we all are) but deliver the effort on the things that truly matter on a consistent basis and you will get noticed. I guarantee it. And you will be noticed for the right reasons.

Next (and last).

– embrace (some) vulnerability.

This is the last one and the most difficult one.

Maybe I could have just written, “be human” but vulnerability is a much more powerful concept. And it takes some real kahones to embrace this one.

Why is this important to getting noticed? Well. People are flawed. And people like people who are flawed. Perfection scares people. And, honestly, no one is perfect.

We all have things that impact us so emotionally they, well, bring us to tears. And those are things that you need to be talking about. You need to be passionate. You need to show you actually care about something. Care so much that you are open to getting hurt. Care so much you become vulnerable in some way. It shows that you live your life, willing to get hurt on things that matter, and are honest about what matters most to you.

So.

In the end?

It all starts with you.

If your reason is big enough, your cause worth it enough, being noticed will be the least of your worries.

I am glad I did some research because I gained a better perspective on the depth of this quote.

On its surface I just liked it.

I like the thought of it.

I like the truth of it.

I like the circumspection aspect of it.

I like the aspirational perspective of it (I do believe each of us has a destiny if we elect to achieve it).

And I like the simplicity … and complexity within .. of it.

But.

Coming from her point of view brings this quote to an entirely different level.

It shifts from merely communicating in platitudes to generating a deeper understanding that life chooses your destiny for you, everyone is included in that “you,” but its up to you to choose whether you accept your destiny.

And she says it well … it is easy to flinch from your destiny.

Very easy.

And it is easy to see how she would have flinched. And probably did at some point.

And yet this woman who was born in New England and was herself a choirboy.

Who has stated that she has been cross dressing since “definitely in my early teens.”

Who has also self-identified herself as genderqueer and a trans woman.

At some point she chose … yes … she chose … to follow the destiny life chose for her.

Easy?

Yikes.

I imagine not.

Inspirational?

You bet.

I respect her. I am envious of her strength of character.

So … my friends … if she didn’t flinch from her destiny … then none of us have an excuse.