Peter Capaldi pointing in the direction he intends to throw Moffat's scrotum.
Peter Capaldi pointing in the direction he intends to throw Moffat’s scrotum.

Peter Capaldi has revealed in an interview with the Telegraph that he is essentially in charge of Doctor Who as Steven Moffat basically does whatever he tells him to do.

“Ste-mo was all like ‘You and Clara can get flirty’ but I wasn’t having that s*** on my watch so I squared up to him real close until I could hear his tiny little whimpers of fear and said ‘Now listen up you dough faced two-trick pony. Do you know who the f*** I am? I’m Peter f*** Capaldi and I’ve been a fan of this show before you were out of nappies. That’s the only f*** reason I’m here. To do this my way, the way it should be f*** done. If you want some prancing Jenny to act out your Rude Word fantasies go get Matt Smith back. The only way you are going to make sure that I don’t harm a single wiry pube on your bulbous head is if you sit the f*** down, shut your f*** mouth and do EXACTLY what I f*** tell you to.”’

Anne Incider, a spokesperson for the Doctor Who production office said the whole thing was a sight to behold. “He swept in like a man with purpose and ripped Ste-mo a new one. I didn’t hear much apart from the swearing but I definitely heard him yell ‘…and while you’re at it hire a female director you male chauvinist ballbag!’. There was the sound of breaking furniture and a lot of high pitched yelping which I assume was coming from Ste-mo himself as he doen’t own a small dog. After Capaldi left Ste-mo came out of the office looking white as a sheet apart from the red rings around his eyes. He has a large, wet stain on his trousers which he swore was coffee but definitely smelt like p***.”

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said that this was and unprecedented power grab by a lead actor of the show. “Doctor Who has a history of difficult leading men to be sure. When William Hartnell wasn’t arguing with directors he was leaving his socks in Peter Purves’ tea and it’s well known that Jon Pertwee flatly refused to shoot a frame of season 11 until someone built him a car that looked like a spaceship.

“The only other leading man to attempt such a seizure of power was Tom Baker when he decided that he wanted to do whatever he felt like at the time regardless of what anyone else was doing while Graham Williams was the producer. It got the the point that if Williams wanted his own way then he had to best Baker in a series of physical challenges ranging from arm wrestling to bare knuckle fist fighting in the Blue Peter garden. John Nathan-Turner only managed to rein Tom in by spiking his gin with laudanum. That’s why he gives such a muted performance during season 18.”

Capaldi said that he would only use his new found power for good. “I feel I have a responsibility to do right by the show’s history and all of the great people who have brought it to the screen both in front and behind the camera. Plus, let’s be honest, it’s not like I could make it any worse.”_________________

Doctor Who writer Steven Moffat has revealed he has been spending all his time working on scripts for Peter Capaldi’s Time Lord, and insists that The Thick of It star is a world away from spin doctor Malcolm Tucker
Speaking to SFX magazine, Moffat said: "If you look at that publicity photograph he did for us, with the hand to the face, he’s instantly not Malcolm Tucker. He just banishes that, and you think "He’s the Doctor".

He went on to say: "I’m confident that we’ll sell this Doctor to our existing audience and he will be different enough that people won’t just be miserable that they’re missing Matt. And there will be people who will come and have a look just because it’s Peter Capaldi. We’ll tell them "You never thought this would be your show, but it is your show."

"I was very curious to know how he’d go down. I thought it would go down well, and I thought it was a big declaration of intent with Doctor Who."

"People do sometimes try to be cynical about Doctor Who, and try to say “It’s not what it was”, despite the fact that you arithmetically can’t prove that in any direction whatsoever. We’ve cast one of the most beloved, one of the most distinguished - and one of the few Oscar winning! - actors in the role of the Doctor. It’s such a statement of the importance of Doctor Who and the size of Doctor Who that Peter is so over the moon about doing it, and that we get him."

Capaldi was named as Matt Smith’s successor back in August and the announcement was met with a resounding cheer.

The Scottish actor, who is best known for his role as the vociferous, expletive-spitting Downing Street press officer, has assured fans that there will be none of Tucker in his performance as the Doctor.

Interestingly, Capaldi has a history with the programme. Before winning the role of the Doctor, he made an appearance on Doctor Who opposite David Tennant’s Time Lord. He is also a lifelong fan of show and even wrote a letter to the Doctor Who magazine aged 15.

Moffat revealed the extent of Capaldi’s devotion to the show: "Peter said: ‘This is all I’ve ever wanted, this is huge for me. I just want to be Doctor Who.’ You need someone who cherishes it, who loves it and will take it as seriously, if not more seriously, than anything else.”"

Capaldi will be making his debut as the twelfth Time Lord this Christmas when Smith will be handing over the reins. He made a surprise appearance in the 50th anniversary special The Day of the Doctor, where the audience was simply given a shot of his eyes - yet it was enough to whet the appetites of many fans.

Smith has played the role since 2010 after taking over from Tennant. The forthcoming episode The Time of the Doctor will see his incarnation venture to the planet Trenzalore to face his fate._________________Ramses niblick the 3rd kerplunk kerplunk whoops there goes my thribble