BALTHAZAR
Raphael is after us all. You see, he's consolidated his strength. And now he's on the move.

SAM
And where's Cass?

BALTHAZAR
Oh, Cassie? He is deep, deep underground. So, good old Raffy put out a hit list on every last samaritan who helped our dear Cass -- Including both of you. And so much more importantly, me. See, he wants to draw Cass out in the open.

SAM
And you expect us to just believe you?

BALTHAZAR
Oh, don't. You'll go where I throw you either way.

DEAN
What's that supposed to mean?

(lightning flashes)

BALTHAZAR
That's all the time we have, gentlemen. (Balthazar opens his jacket revealing a bloodstain on his side) Where is it?

DEAN
Whoa. What happened there?

BALTHAZAR
Oh. Garish, I know. You see, uncle Raffy sent one of his nastiest to handle me. I'm flattered, actually. And down a lung at the moment, but that's all right. (hands Sam keys) Oh, here's for you.

SAM
What am I supposed to do with this?.

BALTHAZAR
Run with it.

(Balthazar is thrown across the room as an angel, Virgil appears)

BALTHAZAR
Virgil. (to Sam and Dean) I said, run! ( pushes them through the window which is marked with a blood sigil)

(Sam and Dean crash through Bobby's window and land on a mattress on a tv show set)

BOB SINGER
Cut!

CREWMEMBER
(patting Dean on the rear)
Real good solid fall. Way to go.

(Sam is looking over his shoulder into the set of the panic room and turns back in confusion)

SAM
What?

TRISH
You beat the devil, lost your soul, and got it back again. So tell us, what's next for sam winchester?

SAM
Look, I-I-I really don't --

TRISH
Oh, and if you could include the question in your answer? Thanks.

(Sam laughs nervously)

(Dean meets up with Sam)

SAM
Hey.

DEAN
Dude, they put freakin' makeup on us! Those bastards!

SAM
Look, I think I know what this is.

DEAN
Okay. What?

SAM
It's a tv show.

DEAN
You think?

SAM
Yeah. I mean, here --wherever "here" is, this -- this twilight zone Balthazar zapped us into. For whatever reason, our life is a tv show.

DEAN
Why?

SAM
I don't know.

DEAN
No, seriously. Why? Why would anybody want to watch our lives?

SAM
Well, I mean, according to that interviewer, not very many people do.
Look, I'm not saying it makes sense. I'm just saying, we -- we landed in some dimension where you're Jensen Ackles, and I'm something called a "Jared Padalecki."

DEAN
So what, now you're polish? Is any of this making any sense to you?

(they exit the studio and see the Impala)

EXT. BACKLOT

DEAN
Oh, hey. Least my baby made it.

(a crewmember starts flinging mud onto the windshield)

DEAN
Hey. Hey! What -- (Dean sees 3 more Impalas) I feel sick. I'm gonna be sick. I want to go home. I feel like this whole place is bad-touching me.

SAM
Yeah, I know. Me too. So, what do you think? Cass?

DEAN
He's our best shot, if he's still alive. Dear Castiel, who art maybe running his ass away from heaven, we pray that you have your ears on. So... Breaker breaker...

( they spot Castiel a short distance away)

DEAN
Cass? Cass! Hey, Cass! Oh, thank god. What is all this, huh? W-w-what did Balthazar do to us?

MISHA
To keep you out of virgil's reach, he's cast you into an alternate reality, a universe similar to ours in most respects yet dramatically different in others.

DEAN
Like -- like bizarro earth, right? Except instead
of having Bizarro superman, we get this clown factory.

MISHA
Um...Yeah, well...Anyway, no time to explain. Do you have the key?

SAM
Yeah.(hands Misha the key) So, uh, what does this thing do, anyway?

MISHA
It opens a room.

DEAN
What's in the room?

MISHA
Every weapon Balthazar stole from heaven.

DEAN
He gave it to us?

MISHA
To keep it safe until I could reach you. With those weapons, I have a chance to rally my forces.

DEAN
I just want to dig my finger in my brain and scratch until we're back in Kansas.

MISHA
"Really...Starting to feel... Like one of the guys."

(Dean and Sam walk by a giant trailer)

SAM
Hey. "J. Ackles."

DEAN
That's fake me!

SAM
Yeah.

DEAN
This must be fake mine.(they enter the trailer) Dude, I have a helicopter!

INT. TRAILER

SAM
Oh. All right, who puts a 300-gallon aquarium in their trailer?

DEAN
Apparently, Jensen Ackles.

SAM
Huh. (spots a laptop) All right, here we go. Let's see who this guy is.

DEAN
Well, he's not a hunter, but he plays one on tv. (gestures to the large tv at the back of the trailer that's playing the season 4 gag reel) Oh. ( picks up a magazine with Jared and Jensen on the cover) Come on. Look at these male-modelin' sons of bitches. Nice "blue steel,"Sam.

'If I didn't have cancer, and I wasn't married, and I had plenty of money... Would you -- would you want to run away with me?'

'Money? What, you think I really care about money, Nicole? I care that you're healthy.'

'Well, I'm no quitter, Eric.I-I --'

(Dean slams the laptop shut)

DEAN
Don't like this universe, Sammy. We need to get out of this universe.

SAM
Yeah. No argument here. But I don't think our -- our prayers are reaching Cass. Or the real Cass.

DEAN
Well, I agree. I think we are definitely out of, uh, soul-phone range. But...

SAM
What?

DEAN
If we can reverse Balthazar's spell... I watched every move. (Dean sketches out the sigil)We just, uh, get the ingredients, right, get back to that same window, and...There's no place like home.

INT. SUPERNATURAL SET

SAM
Backbone of a lesser saint. (Sam pulls the bone out of Bobby's drawer) Got it. Uh...(Sam pokes at the bone and realizes it is fake) It's rubber.

DEAN
Check this out. (holds up a prop dagger and bends the blade back and forwards) Hey, look. It's fake. (Dean jabs the fake dagger at Sam's chest) It's all fake!

BOB
(watching through the window of the set)
Well, at least they're talking to each other.

DEAN
What are we supposed to do with this crap?

EXT. BACKLOT

SAM
'course everything is fake. We're on a film set.(they approach one of the Impalas) We got to get back to the real world.

DEAN
Yeah, now you're talking. (they get in the Impala and start driving) All right, we go round up the genuine articles, bring 'em here for the spell.
(to the car) What the hell is going on? What is wrong with this thing?

DEAN
Where the hell are we, anyway? (sees a Welcome to Vancouver sign) Dude, we're not even in America.

EXT. PADALECKI MANSION

(Sam and Dean enter the mansion)

INT. PADALECKI MANSION

DEAN
Nice modest digs, Jay-z.

SAM
Wow. I must be the star of this thing.

DEAN
Yeah, right. Check it out. (nods towards a tanning bed)

SAM
What am I, Dracula?

DEAN
George Hamilton Dracula. (Dean spots a liquor cabinet) Oh. Now we're talking. (peering out the glass doors) Dude, you have a camel in your backyard.

GENEVIEVE
It's an alpaca, dumbass.

DEAN
Ruby?

GENEVIEVE
"Ruby." right. That one never gets old. (to Sam) How was work today, hon?(kisses Sam)

Act II

INT. PADALECKI MANSION

DEAN
Wait. You and Ruby?

GENEVIEVE
Do you honestly think that's funny, Jensen?

DEAN
Right. Right. 'cause you're not Ruby. You...I mean, how could you be? You...Of course! You are the lovely actress who plays Ruby. And you are, uh, in...Jared's house, Uh, because you two are...(spots a photo on the mantle of Jared and Genevieve's wedding)...Married! You married fake Ruby?

SAM
No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I-I know. I know. That -- that's what I mean.
That's what I was... (Sam takes a drink from his beer)

GENEVIEVE
You have been Sam Winchester way too long. (Genevieve kisses Sam, takes him by the hand, and leads him upstairs)

EXT. AIRPORT
(Sam receives package from an airplane)

SAM
Thanks.

INT. CAR

CLIF
So I don't mean to pry, but, uh, why are we picking up packages at 8:00 A.M. that haven't cleared customs yet?

DEAN
Just saving time.

(Sam enters the car with the package)

DEAN
All right, here we go.

CLIF
We're not doing anything illegal, are we?

SAM
Would it make you feel better if we said no?

CLIF
No.

INT. SUPERNATURAL SET - BOBBY'S HOUSE

(Sam and Dean open the package and are surprised when the lights above them turn on)

DEAN
Whoa. What?

BOB
We finish today in 12 hours if it kills us all. Get "a" and "b" cam for scene 12. What is this? (to Sam and Dean) Here for the first run-through, before anyone else? Dedication.

DEAN
(to Bob) Uh, can I talk to you for a second? Um, we're gonna need the, uh, set cleared for -- safe side, an hour or so.

BOB
You need it cleared.

DEAN
Yeah. Yeah. Me and, um...Jared were gonna do some actor stuff.

BOB
Jensen, we're thrilled to see you collaborating so creatively. And your enthusiasm is refreshing. Dean Cain was like that on "Lois," And that man's a real actor. And we will clear this set exactly when we shoot the 2 3/8 pages we are scheduled to shoot on this set. So you do your "actor stuff" and we'll do our "camera stuff" and, uh...

(Dean walks away sheepishly)

MISHA
Ooh, "priority."what's in it?

SAM
I bought part of a dead person.

MISHA
Oh, cool.

DEAN
Uh, so, bad news. Uh...Looks like we're gonna have to do a little acting.

MISHA
Balthazar is no hero. But he knows Raphael will never take him back.

(Misha turns around. Sam flinches, Dean walks forward and then looks down at his mark and moves over to his right)

BOB
Cut!

CREWMEMBER
"Supernatural" scene 36, take 8. Marker!

BOB
Action!

(Sam seems unsure of what to do with his arms and keeps rearranging them, folding, unfolding)

MISHA
Balthazar is no hero. But he knows Raphael will never take him back.

DEAN
(looks at he script in his hand) Dean, grimly. And yet, somehow you got
no problem with it.

BOB
Cut!

(Misha turns to the camera and mouths 'what the hell')

BOB
Action.

SAM
That's because...That's because we have no other choice.

DEAN
Don't look at the camera.

SAM
What?

DEAN
Look anywhere but the camera.

SAM
(looking at the ceiling) That's because we have no other choice!

BOB
Cut! For the love of...
Action.
Cut!

SAM
(raising his arm stiffly) If there's a key, then (raising other arm) there must also be a lock.

BOB
Cut.
Action.

SAM
If there's a key...then there has to be a lock. And when we find the lock, we can get the weapons, and then we can have the weapons. And the lock. We'll still have the lock, I imagine, because we've opened it, and,
of course, the initial key.

DEAN
We need to get all three of that crap.

SAM
What?

DEAN
That's how he talks.

SAM
Oh.

DEAN
( out the window, at Bob)Do we really need all these lines? I mean, I-I-I-I think we've covered it.Right?

BOB
Cut! What is happening? What's happening?! What's happening?!

SERGE
An atrocity is happening.

KEVIN
Seems like they should stop.

BOB
They can't stop. Nobody stops. Did we get anything we can use?

KEVIN
Well, uh, technically, we have them saying everything in bits and pieces. Could be sort of experimental?

BOB
Whatever. Season six.

SAM
(looking at script) Who wrote this? Nobody says "penultimate!"

DEAN
Gun, mouth. (makes gun gesture at his mouth) Now.

KEVIN
Moving on!

DEAN
Thank god.

MISHA
(tweeting on his phone)"I-m-h-o, 'J' and 'J' had a late one last night."

(Sam and Dean rapidly unpack the package and assemble the spell)

DEAN
All right, damn it. We earned this.

MISHA
"r-o-t-f-l-m-a-o."

SERA
(via Bob's phone)Spell it out for me, please. What is our terror-alert level here?

BOB
I don't know, Sera. Orange, maybe? They started talking to each other.

BOB
Anyway, as far as I can see, I think they've lost any shred of talent they ever had.

(Sam and Dean come crashing through the window, but just land on the other side of the set)

KEVIN
Drugs.

INT. JENSEN'S TRAILER

SAM
Maybe we did it wrong.

DEAN
No. No, that --that spell was perfect. It should have worked.

SAM
What if it can't? Look, I was up all night, looking online. There's no sign that anything like the apocalypse happened here. Ever. And as far as I can tell, monsters, ghosts, demons --they're all pretend.

BOB
Well, uh, Sera, we don't really understand it ourselves, but, uh, it appears
that Jared and Jensen were seen beating an extra to death.

SERA
Huh.

JIM
This is Jim here, Sera, and it wasn't all the way to death. Only partway, so that's a plus.

KEVIN
He could definitely still run.

BOB
And we'll certainly follow up on that, but I think the real issue
here, Sera, is that the boys appear to be on some kind of extended
psychedelic acid trip.

SERA
Okay. Uhh..Maybe it'd help if I --I'll fly up and talk to them.

JIM
You know, I'm not sure Jared and Jensen...know who she is,
strictly speaking. She's, you know, new. No offense.

SERA
Right.

BOB
Yeah, I think what we might need at this stage is for Kripke
to come up himself. He created the show. They'll listen to him.

SERA
How's that make me look? I'm supposed to be running this thing. Besides, Eric is off in some cabin somewhere Writing his next pilot.

BOB
He sold "Octocobra"?

SERA
Yes!

BOB
Mother of god. They'll buy anything.

INT. SUPERNTURL SET

DEAN
I don't know. I mean, Virgil broke through. Maybe he's got a way to get back.

SAM
Or he has no juice here, and now he's stuck, like us.

DEAN
Yeah, either way, I want to finish kicking his ass.

EXT. OUTSIDE MISHA'S TRAILER

CREWMEMBER
Good night, Misha.

MISHA
'night, little fella. (tweeting on his phone) "ever get that feeling...Someone's in the backseat?"Frowny face.

(Virgil , who is in the backseat, puts a knife to Misha's throat)

MISHA
Aah! Aaaah! Aah!

VIRGIL
Drive.

INT. SUPERNATURAL SET - BOBBY'S HOUSE

BOB
There you are, guys!nYou got a minute?

SAM
Actually, we're --we're looking for, uh --

BOB
...for that extra you tried to kill? So, is it money? Is this the kind of act
that goes away if we can scare up some coverage on a raise?

DEAN
More money? You already pay these two jokers enough as it is.

SAM
Yeah.

BOB
'cause I'd like to think that over these years, we've grown closer. That you don't think of me as "director Bob" or "executive producer Bob Singer," but as "uncle Bob."

SAM
Wait, you're kidding. So, the character in the show, Bobby Singer --

DEAN
What kind of douchebag names a character after himself?

SAM
Oh, that's not right.

BOB
Okay, guys, let's begin again.

DEAN
Yeah.

SAM
Yeah.

DEAN
You know, I don't think Virgil would have shagged out of here without getting his mitts on that key.

SAM
Yeah. Yeah, I agree.

BOB
Guys...You can't come to work on poppers and smuggle kidneys in
from Mexico and make up your own lines as you go! You cannot
make up your own lines! Good god, what about your careers?

SAM
You know what? Screw our careers, Bob.

BOB
What?!

DEAN
You heard my brother. That's right, I said "brother." 'cause you know what, Bob? We're not actors. We're hunters. We're the Winchesters. Always have been, and always will be. And where we're from, people don't know who we are. But you know what? We mattered in that world. In fact, we even saved a son of a bitch once or twice. And yeah, okay, here, maybe there's some -- some fans who give a crap about this nonsense.

BOB
I wouldn't call it nonsense.

DEAN
But, Bob Singer --If that even is your name --Tell me this --What does it all mean?

BOB
Okay. This is good. I mean, we've all had our psychotic breaks, right?
I can work with this.

SAM
Dean. Virgil --I think he has the key.

DEAN
We quit.

EXT. ALLEY

MISHA
Okay, okay, okay.Easy, easy.

VIRGIL
How do you do it?

MISHA
please.

VIRGIL
Live in this grubby, shabby desert? Nothing greater than yourselves.

MISHA
Ohh.

VIRGIL
Nothing but dirt when you die.

MISHA
What? Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, oh.

VIRGIL
No power, no magic.

MISHA
I'm so--I'm not following you at all.

VIRGIL
There's no magic in your universe!

(a homeless man watches from a distance)

MISHA
I'm sorry! Please!

VIRGIL
Nothing but a bag of strings and pulleys.

MISHA
What?!

VIRGIL
You should thank me for what I'm about to do.

MISHA
Why? What are you about to do?

VIRGIL
I need to make an important call. I pray to god that it even goes through. (Virgil stabs Misha)
This is what I've been reduced to. (looking into his chalice of blood) Raphael.

INT. PADALECKI MANSION

SAM
Maybe is we get on the police dispatch system

DEAN
put out an A.P.B on Virgil. Might work, if he stays obvious.

SAM
It's not like we have a lot of time.

GENEVIEVE
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

SAM
What?

GENEVIEVE
Misha! He's been stabbed to death!

SAM
Where?

DEAN
Where?

GENEVIEVE
Where?!

EXT. ALLEY

HOMELESS MAN
Yeah, yeah, Raphael. Like the ninja turtle. He was calling someone name
of Raphael, up in heaven. Yeah, yeah. That's right. The -- the scary man killed the attractive crying man, and then he started to pray. And the strange part --After a while, I s-swear I heard this voice, answering.

SAM
What did it say?

HOMELESS MAN
Well, it didn't make any sense.

DEAN
Try us.

HOMELESS MAN
The voice said, for Virgil "to return tomorrow"at the place where he crossed over, "at the time of the crossing." and Raphael would "reach through the window and take him and the key home."

SAM
Uhh...Dean, if Virgil gets back with that key, Cass is dead, and our world is toast.

DEAN
Well, then we stop him. I mean, how bad can an angel with no wings be?

INT. GUN STORE

VIRGIL
I'd like to see that pump-action tactical, 12-gauge.

CLERK
You bet. Nice choice. You really know your ordnance, mister.

VIRGIL
I am the weapons keeper of heaven.

CLERK
Excuse me?

VIRGIL
It's my job.

INT. SUPERNATURAL SET - BOBBY'S HOUSE

DEAN
You know that if we drop Virgil, get the key, then this might be it. We might be stuck here.

SAM
No, we'll figure out a way back.

DEAN
Yeah, you wouldn't be that broken up if we didn't, though.

SAM
What? Don't be stupid.

DEAN
Well, I'm just saying. No hell below us, above us only sky.

SAM
Dean, our friends are back there.

DEAN
Yeah, but here, you got a pretty good life. I mean, back home, the hits have been coming since you were 6 months old. You got to admit, being a-a bazillionare, married to Ruby, the whole package. It's no contest.

SAM
No, you know, you were right. We just don't mean the same thing here.
I mean, we're not even brothers here, man.

DEAN
All right, then. Let's get our crazy show back home.

EXT. SUPERNAURAL SET

BOB
(gesuring to a Hummer pulling into the lot) Oh, this might be him here.

ERIC
Bob, dude. What the hell, right?

BOB
Eric. Thanks for coming.

ERIC
Of course.

BOB
I know you're busy. It means a lot that we can still, you know, call on you.

ERIC
Yeah. Misha, right?

BOB
Oh, I know, I know. It's just awful!

ERIC
It's totally,totally awful. Yeah. It got us the front page of Variety, though.
Did you see that?

BOB
Front page? Really?

ERIC
Yeah, yeah.

BOB
But tragic.

ERIC
Yeah, tragic. That's what I was gonna say.

BOB
How's "Octocobra"?

ERIC
Oh, I think I really had a breakthrough. I'll tell you all about it over lunch, though.

BOB
I can't wait.

ERIC
Yeah. Okay, so I am just gonna bust in their trailer, guns blazing, and then take care of this whole mess and --

Final Act

(Raphael squeezes her fist and causes Dean and Sam to bend over in pain)

RAPHAEL
The key. (she picks it up from the ground)

BALTHAZAR
And that will open you a locker at the Albany bus station.

RAPHAEL
Really.

BALTHAZAR
You see, I needed a modest decoy to make it more convincing.

RAPHAEL
Give me the weapons.

BALTHAZAR
Sorry, darling. They're gone.

RAPHAEL
What?!

BALTHAZAR
I said, too bloody late. You see, they were so well-hidden that I needed time to find them. So, I volunteered these two marmosets for a game of fetch with Virgil. You two were such an adequate stick. Thank you. Thank you, boys.

RAPHAEL
You've made your last mistake.

BALTHAZAR
Oh, I've got a few more up my sleeve, honey.

CASTIEL
Step away from him, Raphael. I have the weapons now. Their power is with me.

RAPHAEL
Castiel.

CASTIEL
If you don't want to die tonight, back off.

BALTHAZAR
Well, Cass...Now that you have your sword, try not to die by it.

(Castiel brings the brothers back to Bobby's house)

SAM
Cass, what the hell? Wait, wait, you were in on this, using us a diversion?

CASTIEL
It was Balthazar's plan. I would have done the same thing.

DEAN
That's not comforting, Cass.

CASTIEL
When will I be able to make you understand? If I lose against Raphael, we all lose. Everything.