Author
Topic: Who's paying for dinner? (Read 6582 times)

I would suggest Burger King without trying to find out if she is buying. Even if she is offering to buy (which I think is doubtful) given your feelings about spending money on eating out, you should suggest the less expensive option. If it is too expensive for you, then it is only fair that you should feel the same if Aunt is buying.

I too would straight up ask. We have had to do this with my in-laws. It doesn't matter if they are visiting us or we are visiting them, they rarely pick up the check.

(I was used to my brother and sister-in-law's way: when we visit, they treat. When they visit us, we treat.)

So now when the in-laws suggest we go to such and such a restaurant we say "We can't afford that. We are still paying off Susie's braces(whatever excuse)." Then they can offer to pay or make an alternative suggestion.

Just say "Auntie, dominoes sound great, but I'm not so keen on the Italian restaurant."

And honestly, please try to re-phrase your dislike for restaurants in the future, your OP came across as quite nasty. Trust me plenty nasty things could be said about choosing mass produced fast food over made-by-a-human restaurant dishes too; its just rude to be so negative about other people's food preferences.

I think you're kind of doing the same thing here, though. I don't think saying, essentially, "I could say lots of nasty things about your food preferences too," is all that much better than saying them.

Just assume that you're paying for your own meals, and then say, "We'd rather not spend the extra money at the Italian place--the dollar menu at BK is more in our line. But it would be fun to get together for dominos!"

Just say "Auntie, dominoes sound great, but I'm not so keen on the Italian restaurant."

And honestly, please try to re-phrase your dislike for restaurants in the future, your OP came across as quite nasty. Trust me plenty nasty things could be said about choosing mass produced fast food over made-by-a-human restaurant dishes too; its just rude to be so negative about other people's food preferences.

What comes across as nasty to me is your post, not the OP's. If you can't state your views in a courteous manner, don't post.

If I care more about the difference between a $3-5 meal at Burger King and a $10-15 meal at a neighborhood Italian restaurant than someone else, it's not unreasonable for me to figure "I want their company, and I want the experience of Cucina Italia rather than BK, so I'll pay for both our meals, my budget has room for that," even if the other person would be as happy eating at Burger King. Some people have stronger food and restaurant preferences than others, and neither person is wrong in that context.

That said, "Cucina Italia isn't in our budget, can we go to Burger King or somewhere similar after we play the games" is an appropriate way to put it, since OP said she wouldn't mind the Italian place, it's just not in her budget. (If she disliked Italian food, that would be a different conversation--"Oh, aunt, we'd live to see you for the day, and the games sound good, but you know I don't care for Italian food, how about Burger King instead?" with room for the aunt to suggest a Greek diner or other non-Italian choice if she disliked BK for whatever reason.)

Logged

Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

I agree with those who say unless someone says “I’d like to treat you to lunch/dinner” then I pay for my own. Sometimes it can happen as a surprise (such as when the check comes someone says “Happy belated birthday”) but even then I make sure I bring enough to pay for my own, or at least offer to leave the tip.

I was surprised to find out that a lot of people assume when someone invites them to join for lunch, etc. the other person is going to pay. I never expect that.

Actually, I had a few awkward situations with a former friend……waiter would ask “separate checks?”, she would remain silent and when I said “yes, separate checks please” she looked at me strangely. This happened several times (she was employed and made a lot more than I did, but tended to be a cheapskate).

OP - I'm not saying you're like that at all. And I like Burger King, too!

First of all, does your Great Auntie live alone? My take on this is that she is lonely, would love to go out for Italian but doesn't want to go alone. Is she elderly? I guess I would just bite the bullet and do what she would like as it might be a special evening for her.

Perhaps I should've been a little more clear in my original post. Auntie usually pays and she is always the one that wants to go out. We've gone out at least five times at Auntie's suggestion and she has always paid and usually made it clear beforehand that she was treating us. So this is sort of new territory.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I'm not sure what I'll go with. I'll have to check with my mom. We might go with something like, "dinner at [name of restaurant] sounds great but we're trying to save our money for the sickly stray dog we took in." That's a totally true statement and since Auntie is an animal lover I don't think it will sound weird.

And for those who took issue with the wording or phrasing of my original post... I don't know what to say to you. I don't see anything wrong with what I wrote. I was simply saying that it's not worth it to me to pay $10-$15 for a meal when I could pay $2-$3 instead and have a healthier (lower in calories and fats) meal. I wasn't insulting anyone's food preference.

And since someone in this thread brought it up, is there something wrong with telling Auntie that we'd need a day or two to think about it because we weren't sure what we were doing this weekend? It is Father's day this weekend, maybe we already had plans or were considering making plans. Is there something wrong with making sure my schedule is 100% clear before accepting?

And since someone in this thread brought it up, is there something wrong with telling Auntie that we'd need a day or two to think about it because we weren't sure what we were doing this weekend? It is Father's day this weekend, maybe we already had plans or were considering making plans. Is there something wrong with making sure my schedule is 100% clear before accepting?

I think people were thinking that you were waiting to see if another better offer came up before you made your decision. Personally, I don't have any problem waiting to see what will happen, as several of my friends have work schedules that change with alarming frequency. Boyfriend could be fine, then as of Thursday evening he'll have to work all weekend, meaning any plans we had would have to be canceled. I don't see any problem with saying that you'll check your schedule and get back to her.

And since someone in this thread brought it up, is there something wrong with telling Auntie that we'd need a day or two to think about it because we weren't sure what we were doing this weekend? It is Father's day this weekend, maybe we already had plans or were considering making plans. Is there something wrong with making sure my schedule is 100% clear before accepting?

I've made similar 'let me see if our schedule is clear' requests in the past. It seems to happen often that DH and I simultaneously make different plans for the same weekend, so now we make sure we're both clear before committing. Or we've already extended an invitation to someone else for weekend plans, but haven't heard back from them yet to know if we're on or not.

I would have no problem hearing 'we're not sure if we have plans yet'.

And for those who took issue with the wording or phrasing of my original post... I don't know what to say to you. I don't see anything wrong with what I wrote. I was simply saying that it's not worth it to me to pay $10-$15 for a meal when I could pay $2-$3 instead and have a healthier (lower in calories and fats) meal. I wasn't insulting anyone's food preference.

I think it was this line:

"If auntie wants to throw her money away like that, then that's her prerogative, but I don't want to throw mine away."

It's fine to have different financial priorities than other people, but construing different choices as "throwing money away" is needlessly judgemental. From my perspective, I'd rather pay $10-15 for a made to order fresh dish than order something from the dollar menu, because I consider eating as fresh and healthy as possible a preventative measure that will save me money in health care costs down the line. I can also cook a really healthy meal at home for $3-5 per person so I'd be more inclined to suggest a pot luck than fast food.

It's a kind of reverse snobbery to think than anything out of your budget is by definition frivolous.

Perhaps I should've been a little more clear in my original post. Auntie usually pays and she is always the one that wants to go out. We've gone out at least five times at Auntie's suggestion and she has always paid and usually made it clear beforehand that she was treating us. So this is sort of new territory.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I'm not sure what I'll go with. I'll have to check with my mom. We might go with something like, "dinner at [name of restaurant] sounds great but we're trying to save our money for the sickly stray dog we took in." That's a totally true statement and since Auntie is an animal lover I don't think it will sound weird.

And for those who took issue with the wording or phrasing of my original post... I don't know what to say to you. I don't see anything wrong with what I wrote. I was simply saying that it's not worth it to me to pay $10-$15 for a meal when I could pay $2-$3 instead and have a healthier (lower in calories and fats) meal. I wasn't insulting anyone's food preference.

And since someone in this thread brought it up, is there something wrong with telling Auntie that we'd need a day or two to think about it because we weren't sure what we were doing this weekend? It is Father's day this weekend, maybe we already had plans or were considering making plans. Is there something wrong with making sure my schedule is 100% clear before accepting?

I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with needing to check your schedule, and getting back with your aunt in a day or two. I understood from your OP that you were making plans for not only yourself but your mother (did I have that right?). I also got the sense that you live with your mom/parents, so it makes total sense that your plans depend to some extent on them. Nothing at all wrong with that.

And for those who took issue with the wording or phrasing of my original post... I don't know what to say to you. I don't see anything wrong with what I wrote. I was simply saying that it's not worth it to me to pay $10-$15 for a meal when I could pay $2-$3 instead and have a healthier (lower in calories and fats) meal. I wasn't insulting anyone's food preference.

I think it was this line:

"If auntie wants to throw her money away like that, then that's her prerogative, but I don't want to throw mine away."

It's fine to have different financial priorities than other people, but construing different choices as "throwing money away" is needlessly judgemental. From my perspective, I'd rather pay $10-15 for a made to order fresh dish than order something from the dollar menu, because I consider eating as fresh and healthy as possible a preventative measure that will save me money in health care costs down the line. I can also cook a really healthy meal at home for $3-5 per person so I'd be more inclined to suggest a pot luck than fast food.

It's a kind of reverse snobbery to think than anything out of your budget is by definition frivolous.

And since someone in this thread brought it up, is there something wrong with telling Auntie that we'd need a day or two to think about it because we weren't sure what we were doing this weekend? It is Father's day this weekend, maybe we already had plans or were considering making plans. Is there something wrong with making sure my schedule is 100% clear before accepting?

I've made similar 'let me see if our schedule is clear' requests in the past. It seems to happen often that DH and I simultaneously make different plans for the same weekend, so now we make sure we're both clear before committing. Or we've already extended an invitation to someone else for weekend plans, but haven't heard back from them yet to know if we're on or not.

I would have no problem hearing 'we're not sure if we have plans yet'.

It's the "yet" that's the problem; "already" is the word you want. (It doesn't have to be truthful.) To check your [existing] calendar is fine; to see if something better is coming along isn't really OK.