Okay, so yesterday I took the day off and went with fancythis to do the unthinkable, again!

That is right we got yet another Brazilian wax! I know at this very moment you are thinking what the hell is wrong with these two, they surely must be masochists. I can assure you we are not. It is just feels so refreshing to have all the hair lifted off your ummm….shoulders? ;-)

So I am laying there and she has done the worst of it and she starts to wash her hands and told me I can go ahead and get dressed. Okay. I started to think but she didn’t finish…interesting. So I get dressed and went to wait for fancythis to be done so she can get her BW done. As I am sitting there I am wrestling with getting up and asking her is she can wax my butt-crack. I can’t imagine how I can possibly get up and ask this woman this and further more that is part of a BW so why didn’t she do it in the first place. I am mulling it over finally after 15 minutes of agonizing over this I go back in there.

Me: Ummmm…………I was wondering if you could ummm……….wax my behind….if you do that……it is okay if you don’t…….I was just wondering.

Her: Oh, I am sorry, I normally do wax there…I just wasn’t sure if you wanted me too.

Me: Well, if you don’t want to you don’t have too.

Her: No, I do, I just felt weird asking because the other day I did and a lady was really offended that I would ask her that and now I have shied off from asking people that.

I guess she was just as embarrassed to ask me as I was her. So that was that. The rest is history.

Today, as I was walking into the building I work in, a Bald Eagle flew right over my head.

This got me to thinking about how I work at a very beautiful building. The area is landscaped beautifully with not so common plants and flowers. There is a beautiful bog/swamp area. It is usually covered in about a foot or so of water and in the summer Japanese iris’ grow here and there underneath the trees. This area is in the frontish/side of the building.

In the rear of the building there is a beautiful man-made lake that stretches the whole length of the building. Behind the cafeteria there is a patio with a stunning wisteria arbor and that stretches the whole length of the cafeteria. It is beautiful and I have never seen anything like it!

Off to the side of the building in the woods is a trail you can walk with those outdoor work out stations that you sometimes see in State/National parks. That is really pretty back there as well because the walk to get to the trail is down a tree lined gravel road that is so pretty when the leaves are falling or when there is the pretty snow that sticks good to trees.

I know for a fact that there is at-least three bald eagles that live on the property. This winter I saw two does and a fawn eating in the woods and then they ventured down to the pond for a drink! It was all happening right outside my office window!

I always have been an admire of natures’s beauty and who would have guessed that work would be such a beautiful place to find all of this!

It started off needing a crown, then a root canal, then three times going back until the crown finally fit properly. The lab kept making my permanent crown too big so when I went to have it inserted it didn’t fit.

Thursday I went for the third try, IT FIT! Thank God! I thought me and Dr. Mehring might spring out of our chairs and dance a jig! As my appointment neared the end Dr. M told me to wait that she wanted to give me something. I thought this should be interesting. So as I am standing there talking to all the girls in the office the Dr. comes up and hands me a gift card to an Italian Restaurant. I yelled told her thank you! I was so excited and surprised. She went on to say she wanted to thank me for being such a good sport about all of this and that I was such a good patient! Then she whispers, it’s $100.00. What! For I couldn’t help myself I HUGGED my dentist and told her thank you! All the office girls where laughing at me and I was laughing! I thought that was the sweetest and most generous thing!

It was nice to feel like your dentist gave a crap about you and she didn’t have to do that at all but I appreciated it just the same! That has probably made my month!

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment,
I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles;
An angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a
tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile,
I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was.
They were filled with giant holes.
Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult,
the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life.
I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares.
Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were
filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune.
I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together,
threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up
to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn
holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been.
My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame.
I hadn’t had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter.
But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false
accusations
that took from me my world, as I knew it.
I had to start over many times.
I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow
muster the strength to pick up and begin again.
I spent many nights on my knees in prayer,
asking for help and guidance in my life.
I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully,
each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt
within
my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who
unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and
I had to accept it for what it was I rose and slowly lifted the combined
squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air.

I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.
Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me.

Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ.
Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes.
He said, “Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life,
My hardships, and My struggles.

Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let
Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.”

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn,
allowing Christ to shine through!

I finally got my period on Friday after three months of no period. It is a relief to me because if I am not pregnant then I want my period to be regular so that I know my body is “okay.” Now I am going to see Dr. Russell (Reproductive Endocrinologist) again, which I am NOT looking forward to. The thought of all the crying and depression that goes along with infertility just doesn’t appeal to me. I am not sure if I am ready to jump back in to all that. I am hoping that I have learned from the past and don’t beat myself up so much like I did last time around.

I had been going to Dr. Russell since August of 2005 and stopped going May of 2006. In between that time I took no breaks, I went religiously to see him. Then in May I had enough, I was so depressed I had thoughts of suicide A LOT and I knew that I had to stop. I needed a break.

From May 2006 to December 2006 I didn’t go or even think of Dr. R. My periods came regular (not normal for me) and life was good. So I thought maybe I should go back to Dr. R since everything has been going so well. I went to him on December 11th with the intentions of doing IVF. I had never discussed this with him before so Tom and I met with Dr R. to discuss if this would be right for us. Ahem, No, he wanted me to have two more tests done to see why my periods are regular and I have not gotten pregnant. I got my period on December 13th and called to make an appointment to go back on December 27th. I would have had an ultrasound on the 27th to see how close I was to having a Postcoital test done. But Grandpa died and I was needed in Missouri so I cancelled my appointment with the intent of going once my next cycle started. The rest is history I suppose since I just got my period on Friday.

Friday I asked Tom, do you want me to go to Dr. R to have my two tests done? He replied with, We are trying to have a baby. So I called this morning and made my appointment for March 30th at 7:30am. This appointment will be an ultrasound of my ovaries to see how close I am to ovulating. Now I am wondering if my body is going to snap back to being normal or if I am going to be irregular again.

I was supposed to have a postcoital test done back in 2005 but I didn’t want to do it. It is very invasive in my opinion. You have to have sex with your husband before you ovulate and then go to the Dr. so that they can swab your innards to see if your cervical mucus is meshing with his sperm. I know lovely, right. I am really not feeling this test. The other test I have to have done is an endometrial biopsy to make sure that my lining of my uterus is healthy. This one is painful.

I am so happy to go have these two things done I can hardly contain myself.

The past few days have been spectacular! It was sunny with a light breeze and the temperature reached up to 80 degrees! Now it is cold, windy, raining and I think it is supposed to snow or at the very least ice up. I love the spring and fall season, the in-between of freezing cold and smoldering hot.

The sunny weather makes you start to reminisce old memories that you hold close to your heart. Like the time me and best friend went to North Carolina to go see Brad Paisley and we were acting silly and singing at the top of our lungs. When we tried to fight off high school girls to catch his hat and we break out in song even when no music is playing.

I miss trips to Missouri in the warm weather and when you get there you get to see your family that you haven’t seen in a ‘coons age. Then we went to the river for the day and just hung out and relaxed and you felt like your mind was at peace and nothing mattered besides you in the river with your family. No stresses, just fun.

Lazy summer days lying around our pool, I remember Dad would always fall asleep out there. If he go to hot he would jump in the pool and splash around, making a noise similar to an elephant. I always thought that was hysterical.

I miss the summers we spent at the beach house and all the fun Mom and I had running our own store.

Then all that stuff ends and it leaves you sad, but I would be sadder if I had never experienced it at all. I have SO many memories that I hold close to my heart. Thank you to everyone that shared an awesome memory with me.

Almost everyone I know has been very supportive through this trying time that I have had with all of this. I thank you all. I have cried, on several occasions with snot running down my face to my best friends, my husband and my mom. It is probably the most frustrating thing that I have EVER had to deal with in my life. The worst part is, is that it is my own body, it can not be blamed on anyone else, it is my fault, something that God has given me to deal with. I know that he chose me because I am strong, I can handle this. At times I feel like I can go no further dealing with this, but I do. I could sit around and let depression swell over me but I don’t and I won’t.

I don’t think anyone can truly understand what it is like to try for years to get pregnant and it doesn’t happen, unless they or someone they know has gone through this. This is evident to me with everyday life and how careless some people are in the way that they treat you. They will ask you how everything is going with trying to get pregnant and in the next breath they will tell you that they are pregnant or trying, or they will tell you, yeah I think I might have a second child. In which your broken heart breaks a little more and you think to yourself really did you just say this all in one breath? But they did and they will because they are ignorant to the way that you feel and how hard this is on you. I can’t blame them I suppose, they are so caught in what they are feeling that they don’t care about me. That’s fine, because I too am so caught in how awful I feel that I don’t care about the happiness they are feeling. Selfish, perhaps.

But then yesterday something different happened. My friend Kathy who I have been friends with for about four years instant messages me at work and we are talking back and forth. She always asks me how is everything going with the doctors, am I pregnant, am I going back to the doctors, etc. And then the least expected happened, I just finished telling her that whatever happens, happens. I am putting it in God’s hands, I won’t rush him anymore, obviously he has a plan for me that for right now does not involve children. She wrote back, I will have a baby for you. I wrote, Thanks, I think I might cry. She wrote, I am being serious, I understand that it would be your egg and Tom’s sperm and I would just be carrying it for you. To which I replied, Thank you, I know you are serious, I will keep that in mind. She then reassured me again that she was very serious and that she wanted to do that for me if I wanted her to.

Can you believe that? I can’t believe that she loves me so much that she would carry my baby for me! I was so in awe of her caring gesture that I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. It seemed like such a random conversation to have on a Monday morning, but it was very meaningful to me. I will keep what she says in mind and when I completely exhaust my efforts on my end, I am quite sure that I will turn to her. It is nice to know that I have that to fall back on and that maybe if things don’t work out for me she will be able to help Tom and I have a baby.