Is It All Out of My System?

Recently, I was posed the question, “Have you done everything you wanted to do as a single woman?” I answered confidently, “yes.” It wasn’t until long after the conversation was over as the question still lingered as I begin to really dissect both the question and my response. I was baffled because I wondered why I, in all of my relationships, had never been asked that question before. Moreover, I wondered why I, in all of my genius, have never thought to pose this question before now. If I had stopped to ask this before, I am positive I would have saved myself a lot of time and heartache— but then again, I wouldn’t have been able to answer “yes.”

Initially when asked, flash frames of everything I have done passed quickly before me. I’ve done a lot. I even reflected when my friend read an excerpt from The Single Girl’s Manifesta stating that you should go on 20 no-strings-attached dates before settling down….or something to that regard. I have dated plenty, a few times over that number. I was even lucky to fall in love a few times. I was blessed to have my heart broken because it was that pain that facilitated my growth. I have had more than enough experiences to know exactly what I want, and more important, what I need. I have travelled both domestically and internationally. I have witnessed and now know my own strength and resiliency. I have lived with others and have lived on my own. But, I wondered, if that was enough…

People undervalue the benefits of being single. There is no checking in, no explanations, no accountability… I realized I was being childish. I have to check in and be responsible in every other facet of my life. I am held accountable for everything I do or omit- professionally, academically, spiritually, and financially. Why should relationships be an exception?

However, as the question continued to haunt me, I thought more about the things I haven’t done. The list is endless. Then I concluded I was asking myself the wrong question. The real question is, “What have you not done that you don’t want or can’t do within the confines of this relationship?” I replied out loud to myself, “Nothing.”

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2 Responses to Is It All Out of My System?

I think the bigger question is have you done all you NEEDED to do as a single woman. Wants are unlimited, its the fundamental property of life, we are only limited by our resources, which in this case, is time and eligible partners.

If you lead a life guided by the principle that you are on a mission to find and settle with an optimal partner for love and happiness and the continued population of the Earth, then at some point you have to put aside your wants for your needs. You need to make sure you date a well balanced group of candidates to find your likes and dislikes and the such, much like you’ve alluded to in your post. But do you NEED to have a 1-nighter in a foreign city with some guy with a heavy accent to figure out that’s not what life is about ? Not particularly, if you get around to it, sure I guess, but not NEED.

I think too many people in life spend too much time trying to do the things they WANT in life, then time has passed them by and no one WANTS them because a) They have partied their lives into their 30s and people start to question why you’re still single at that age b) their WANT list has gotten lengthy and nobody wants a partner with that many miles, realistically speaking and c) they’ve let all those “if I was ready for marriage, you’d be perfect” dudes slip into, well, marriage for the person who found what they NEEDED in that man and married him. Not wanting to ramble, I will submit these as my thoughts.

In short, your feedback is profound. And I am beginning to see a lot of those moving into their 30’s doing the exact same thing they were doing at 18 maturing in every aspect except socially and emotionally.