Schools to make their own Goves using 3D printers

When state schools receive their new 3D printers the first thing they will be expected to do will be to make their own Michael Gove. The Goves are expected to be exact replicas of the Secretary of State for Education and will probably be situated in headteachers' offices. "The aim is to make sure that we have rigourous oversight of the reforms planned for education, in every state school," a Government spokesperson said.

It's also understood that the school based Goves would eventually replace school governors who are spelt similarly "but with wasteful extra letters at the end", according to a DfE source.

Other educational measures expected to be unveiled this week include plans to make potty training "tougher". Mr Gove is known to favour a system in which Key Stage Poo comes six months earlier than at present. But government plans to delay puberty till after year 9 have been attacked by some teachers who said the idea would "spoil school trips".