What would classify a real emergency is if my husband had a heart attack.

In which case, he wouldn’t be calling me.

He’d be dialling 000.

And if a client calls? Well, I’d call them back in 30 minutes. No biggie.

Hand on my heart, being present at school drop off / pick up has given me SO much happiness.

2018: CHILD-LIKE JOY

This would be my last year to enjoy my little guy before he starts school in 2019.

I constantly reminded myself: I’ll never get this time back – please have the foresight to enjoy this time. (There is more to this story, and one for another time. That one is titled “my struggle of being a stay at home mum”).

For the most part, I had stacks of child-like joy.

Lots of activities, play dates with mum friends. I created a village which I loved so deeply!

So much laughter and just chilling, it was the best.

However, towards the last quarter of the year, I got into planner mode (cos things just don’t start happening in 2019 career wise, you gotta plant seeds months prior, you know?)

But…planner mode got me all serious.

And I forgot about laughter.

My joy morphed into this jam:

> let’s get this result

> let’s produce this outcome

> let’s put this solution into place

My child-like Joy theme for 2018 was booted too early.

In other words, I turned up the masculine volume, and boy did I crumble in December.

As a result, my sense of self collapsed.

Utilising masculine energy “I need to get things done” equalled:

= Much shorter fuse and patience; Rob and kids paid for this.

= Limited time for presence; no pockets of happiness experienced.

= Forgetting self care; spiralled uncontrollably into dragon lady when time of the month arrived.

All I have to say is, Thank God for Clary Calm.

(Please, contact me if you wanna try a sample of this oil. It’s truly magnificent.)

2019: FEMININITY

I can’t stand it when I am all over the place; can’t operate with intention, can’t get clarity, can’t figure out why I am so pissed off.

I have these high expectations of myself which I can’t meet, and therefore label myself as a failure.

It’s a really lousy way to treat yourself, I know.

But that’s the truth of what happens to me when I remove feminine flow.

When my hormones rage, I feel these opposing things in the exact same moment:

“Come closer, hold me”

“Fuck off, don’t touch me”

It’s so conflicting and confusing for me.

Imagine expecting Rob to decode this? Poor bastard had no chance.

No wonder he distanced himself VERY FAR AWAY.

Which, of course, made me even more lonely, undesirable, unloved.

(Cos, I wasn’t feeling like shit already, right?)

Oh gosh I was foul.

Didn’t want to talk, everything drained me, the stress of December festivities escalating.

And the straw that broke it:

Rob’s customer who “got coffee ready for him” when he arrived at her place to service her car. Ohhhhh, how dare someone else put a smile on his face, and not me!? FURY!

I was so triggered. And at this point, I knew I was out of range.

(Normal me doesn’t care about this stuff! Super confident and proud in my marriage, I don’t have those insecurities! That is the total truth.)

Something was definitely off.

When I finally surrendered, curled into a ball, wept, stopped blaming everyone else for being an asshole… I really discovered how femininity would set me free.

Okay… so what does “feminitity” look like?

I snug up close to Rob in bed. Mind you, I fell asleep with the kids for the prior 10 days. We’d been distant and disconnected. I whispered, “I’m so sorry for my bad attitude”.

Silent tears streamed, and eventually turned into hyperventilation (not kidding). I was a mess. And he held me. He loved me and embraced me through every minute of it. “It’s okay honey, I’ll always love you”.

How did I elicit this response from him?

Being feminine; vulnerable, softening, accountable for my actions. Instead of finding fault in the kids, the husband, the time of the month, …. I asked:

What was my behaviour?

It truly allowed me to be vulnerable, talk about my insecurities and why I got triggered (a story for another time), to let go of my barbed wire armour. And being this way really does encompass true strength! It takes balls to bare your soul… this is far from being a ‘weakness’!

We clashed so much b/c we were both in masculine ‘doing’ (this has to happen for school event, find that for swimming, call this person to arrange appointment, get the clothes off the line, do this for client etc etc etc).

Polarisation is crucial for Marriage.

Both genders embody masculine and feminine energy. It’s when both of usoperate in masculinity for extended periods of time…connection cannot happen; clashing will occur.