Thursday, May 15, 2014

Things Outkast Is Cooler Than: The Complete List

Outkast has made something of an art form out of cleverly describing its own level of "cool." Though the Atlanta duo is far from the first rap group to do so, Big Boi and Andre 3000 have certainly made a game out of it, employing all manner of wordplay in their explanations of the matter. "Cooler than a polar bear's toenails," from 1996's ATLiens, is likely the most well-known example.

Below, you will find a list of every single thing the members of Outkast have lyrically asserted themselves to be cooler than, along with carefully thought-out, scientific explanations. Let's dig in.

A Polar Bear's Toenails

Song: "ATLiens"

The Arctic Circle, native habitat of the polar bear, routinely drops below -58 degrees Fahrenheit. The region is blanketed in snow and ice, which the polar bear walks around on regularly, getting ice up under its toes and such. Therefore, it is reasonable to say that the polar bear's toenails, constantly caked in snow, are the coolest part of its body.

But, as Big Boi notes in this 1996 classic off of ATLiens, Outkast is, in fact, cooler than that.

The Pussy on a Penguin in the Summer

Song: "Higher Res"

The summer is considered to be the warmest of the four temperate seasons, with the earth tilted in such a way that it faces the sun. The penguin is an aquatic, flightless bird whose native habitat is in Antarctica, an ice-covered continent whose temperatures sometimes reach as low as −129 degrees Fahrenheit.

Penguins have exceptionally short, stubby legs. Therefore, their anatomy is as such that their genitals are very low to the ground. Heat transfer, through a process of diffusion, would cause said penguin genitals to reach lower temperatures when in close proximity to the ice beneath them.

If one were to compare the frosty genitals of a penguin to the heat of the summer months, one would find the genitals to be considerably cooler than the season's temperatures. But not Big Boi, as he explains on this 2012 solo song. He is cooler than that.

Freddie Jackson Sipping a Milkshake in a Snowstorm

Song: "So Fresh, So Clean"

American soul singer Freddie Jackson was an important artist in the '80s and early '90s. He broke into the music world in 1985, making a splash with back-to-back hits "Rock Me Tonight" and "You Are My Lady." His soulful talent and slick style of dress would be defined by many as "cool."

A milkshake is a sweetened beverage that is served cold, often made with ice cream or milk. It was introduced to the world in the early 1900s, finding great popularity by 1930 or so. It is considered by many to be refreshing on a hot day, due to its low serving temperature.

A snowstorm is a weather event characterized by large amounts of snowfall. As discussed above, snow is cold, requiring temperatures to fall at least as low as 32 degrees Fahrenheit in order to exist.

Therefore, Freddie Jackson sipping a milkshake in a snowstorm would be an event that many would agree is "cool." But, surprise, not Outkast, as Big Boi states in this song from 2000's Stankonia.