Angela St. Lawrence is the reigning queen of high-end, long distance training and Femme Domme phone sex, providing esoteric depravity for the aficionado, specializing in Erotic Fetish, Female Domination, Cock Control, Kinky Taboo and Sensual Debauchery. To make an appointment or speak with Ms. St. Lawrence ...

Biff is back and you're not going to believe what she's up to now! In what I believe is the funniest Razor-Wire installment yet, our erstwhile damsel has decided to bring in some extra cash by starting a secondary career in Phone Sex. Ouch!

A warm thanks to my generous and brilliant friend, Pervert Savant, who writes so deliciously well and with such humor.

The Chilling Story of a Young Transsexual’s Search for Love Amid the Mindless Brutality, Recidivist Squalor, and Unrelentingly Tasteless Tattoos of the Most Corrupt Prison in Texas!

Chapter V:Premium Phone-Sex from the Princess Mistress

Prison Guard Mary “Biff” McGurk took a long swallow from her bottle of Tecate and glumly eyed the list of telephone numbers illuminated in a line on her computer’s messaging screen.

Shit!” Biff muttered morosely.“Looks like another slow night!”

Eager to supplement her meager income as a functionary at West Texas Correctional, Biff had recently taken on a second job as a Phone Sex Worker. Her decision had been prompted by a colorful Internet ad promising easy money, the ability to work from home, and a chance to be one’s own boss.Entranced by the prospects, Biff had signed an e-mail contract that promised an ability to start work immediately. However, despite high initial expectations, Biff’s financial returns from her new telephonic métier had, to date, proven somewhat disappointing.

Biff took a deep drag from her cigarette and moved her cursor to her website’s “Customer Feedback” area.

DATE CALLER RATING COMMENT

11/01/07 NekidLunch * Sounded like she was gargling.

11/03/07 StubbieSubby * Hung up on me.

11/14/07 69erinOhio * Put me on hold!

11/16/07 Studman * Caution, I think she's a guy.

11/16/07 SmegmaBoy ** Not really responsive to my fantasy.

Mildly irritated, Biff punched some more keys and moved to her New Caller List to see:

PantyFemme called you at 12:07 AM on 11/19/07 (CUSTOMER WANTS A CALL-BACK!)

“Hey!” Biff chortled.“I got me a new one!”

Biff took another sip from her beer and flipped open the index page of her “Sweet Texas Honey New Operator’s Manual” searching eagerly for its entry for “Panty Fetishists.”

“Sweet Texas Honey” was the name of the phone sex service Biff had recently joined.Its website featured pictures of approximately 15 negligee-clad women, all with names like “The Duchess Lacey,” “Little Empress Puddin- Pie,” and “Queen-Bee Brittany,” each one purporting to have some sort of taboo sexual specialty.

The site’s owner–a husky-voiced, 57-year old woman named Maisie O’Toole–had determined that her courtesans all had to be Princesses, Duchesses, or Queens–in addition to being “barely legal”, being “an experienced life-style mistress” and being possessed of “no taboos”. These qualities were a guaranteed way – to Maisie’s way of thinking—of attracting new callers.

Of course, Biff had a picture posted at Sweet Texas Honey too.And of course, it wasn’t really her own photo.Biff’s ad featured a photograph of a svelte 19-year old brunette in a black leather corset bearing the nom-de-plume: “Her Exalted Highness Princess Mistress Biffie”. The photo had cost Biff $50.00 and had been purchased from a website catering to would-be PSOs.

Despite her ersatz picture, Biff had chosen her business name herself – a small accommodation that Maisie permitted her girls, so long as the selected name fell within the broad parameters of Maisie’s tested keys to telephonic success. Under her elected sobriquet Biff had opted to insert her designated area of expertise — “Whiplash Cash Vixen and No-Limits Life-Style Mistress!”

As an added come-on, Biff’s site featured–like those of the other geishas who toiled for Maisie –a brief statement detailing her personal likes and dislikes.Biff had painstakingly written her statement after carefully reviewing those posted on the web pages of her erstwhile rivals.After giving the matter some thought, Biff had penned the following come-on to her hoped-for future customers:

GOT A FAVORITE FANTASY YA’D LIKE TO PLAY OUT?WELL, HOW’D YOU LIKE SUM FIRE ANTS UP YER BUTT, DOGBOY?HA! HA! OR HOW’S ABOUT ME JUST LAFFIN AT THAT FUNNY LITTLE BITTY PECKER YA GOT THERE?HA! HA! WELL, I CAN BE SENSUAL TOO — LIKE I WAS YER SPECIAL GIRL FRIEND OR SOMETHING.HEY! HOW ABOUT I DRESS YOU UP LIKE YOU WAS LITTLE BO-PEEP AND THEN I DO YA WITH AN OLD CORNCOB?HA! HA! PRETTY FUNNY!!I DON’T CARE. THAT’S OK WITH ME TOO. OR HOW BOUT I HOGTIE YOUR ASS AND TREAT YOU LIKE YOU WAS A HEIFER?MOOOO!MOOO!I GOT MY BRANDIN’ IRON ALL REDDY HA! HA!PRETTY FUNNY, HUH? SO CALL ME UP AND HAVE YOUR TOYS AND GERBILS AND OTHER STUFF ALL REDDY CUZ I LIKE ALL THAT TOO! NO TABOOS!I’M A LIFE-STYLE MISTRESS! BARELY LEGAL! YOU’D BE SMART TO CALL ME UP RIGHT NOW, PISSANT!DON’T KEEP HER EXALTED HIGHNESS PRINCESS MISTRESS BIFFIE WAITING!!!!! AND REMEMBER!NO REFUNDS!!!!AND NO WEBCAMS EITHER !! AND I DON’T SELL PANTIES SO DON’T EVEN ASK!!! CALL ME NOW, WORM!!!AND BEFORE YOU CALL, READ THE RULES!!!

Thus prepared, Biff then began her work as an odalisque for “Sweet Texas Honey.”After a spate of initial interest, her calls, inexplicably, had begun tailing off.Thus, the fact that a “New Caller” was now awaiting her long-delayed call-back served to rekindle some of Biff’s original enthusiasm.

After cursorily perusing the Manual’s recommendations for the treatment of panty fetishists, Biff opened a bag of barbecued Fritos and a fresh bottle of Tecate and steeled herself for the upcoming task.Pensively concentrating on Maisie’s suggestions, Biff dialed the number and, after a moment’s pause, was connected to her caller:

“Shit yes I do,” Biff lied, languidly chewing her Frito.“I’ll bet yew’d like to know what kinda panties I’m wearing right now, wouldn’t ya?Well, sir I’ll tell ya.They’re these brand new cotton ones I got in my favorite color – lime green.I also got me a pair with all these leopardy dots on ‘em that I like too.‘Course they’re in the wash right now.I usually wear them panties for my special occasions.Most of the time though I wear Fruit-of-the-Loom boxer shorts.Pretty sexy, those Fruit-of-the-Looms—all loose like.I like ‘em cuz they sorta let the air in and keep everything all cool.I like the name too. Fruit-of-the-Loom. Fruit-of-the-Loom’s got a real nice ring to it.Kinda wholesome.Y’know, I’m a life-style mistress and I have my stable of subbies hand wash my Fruit-of-the-Looms.Pretty sexy, huh?"

“Well, that’s nice.But what I was thinkin’ about was a pair of them sexy little thongs. You know, the sorta satiny kind and in a real hot color…you know…like Fire-Engine Red.”

“Well goddamit, you little dipshit…why didn’t you say so….Hey, now that I’m lookin’ at ‘em, why that’s exactly what I got on now.Fire-Engine Red thongs.I usually wear Fire Engine Red thongs under my regular clothes when I’m working on my job.They’re real slick. Ya sit down wearing those things and ya feel like yer gonna slide right off a chair.One thing about them though, you gotta be careful with ‘em after you take a shit.Skid marks.It’s tough to get skid marks offa satin. But yeah, that’s what I got on now.Pretty too. Wish you could see ‘em on me.But you can’t, I guess.Cuz yore there and I’m here."

Biff paused to take another swallow of beer, listening for “feedback” from the caller.“Feedback” was important.Maisie had mentioned that in the Manual.

“Well, look cupcake.I was kinda wonderin’ how’d it be if I put on a pair of them thongs with you there…you know…sorta guidin’ me…tellin’ me how hot it makes you and all…y’know?”

Biff burped and reached for another Frito.

‘Oh, yeah, that’d make me hot all right – real hot.Catchin’ you wearing my thong thingies.Why, if I caught you in ‘em, I’d prolly get my whip and beat yore stupid ass real good.Shit.You’d look like such a dumb ass wearin’ my thongs.

What are you anyway?Some kinda pervert?Jeez-o-pete, I’d probly have you arrested and haul yore ass down to the police station.What’s yore name again?Lester?Well, Lester, you strike me as one sick perp. I’d haul yore ass down to the station and turn ya over to the proper law enforcement authorities.That’s my reaction.I’d be hot all right. I’d press charges!That answer yore question?

“No wait.See, sugar, you don’t understand…What I meant was, you just get me in them panties and…”

“Hey, Lester…Listen here. Somethin’ tells me we ain’t getting’ off on the right foot.Look, I know what you like.I’m an experienced life-style mistress, ain’t I?Just like my ad says.And I orter know what’s best fer you, shouldn’t I?I mean, who’s the goddam expert here? So you just hush-up a minute and let me describe myself ta ya.See, I’m barely legal.Eighteen is the legal age and I’m nineteen.My measurements are 38-24-36.That get you all hot?And don’t call me ‘sugar’!Call me by my name – Her Exalted Highness Princess Mistress Biffie.Do I make myself clear?

“Er, yes Her Exalted Highness Princess Mistress Biffie.Um…but what I was trying to say was that I….”

“Look, toad-brain.One thing you should keep in mind is that the Princess Mistress doesn’t like to be interrupted.You been interrruptin’ me right and left.Do you know who it is yore talkin’ to?

“Well, I was just tryin’ to say…”

“I don’t give two shits about what you were tryin’ ta say, you little turdlet.I know what you like.You oughta be arrested for it too….Wait a minute.I’ll deal with you in a minute.Right now I gotta go take a leak…And you better be here when I come back.”

“But, Princess Mistress Biffie!This call is costing me $14.95 a minute!Couldn’t you just tell me how pretty I’d look in that red thong…you know…and sorta touch ‘em after I got into ‘em and all? Real quick like. And then…”

“Look, bozo, who’s the Princess Mistress here?You or me?

“Well, you are, of course, Princess Mistress, but…"

“That’s right.How’d you like it if I put a little horney toad in them panties down there with your little Fredrick?Them toads got spines.That could cause you problems…”

“No…I wouldn’t want that…But I was thinkin’ of somethin’ more….well…My fantasy’s more sensual.”

“Fat chance of that happening, dog-boy.But I will do a fantasy session where I turn you into my little girl.How’s that sound?And I’m gonna name you Trollop.I kinda like that name.But first I have ta hypnotize you.

Relax….Relax…Listen to my voice. Start counting backwards backwards. Slowly from 500. Come on now: 499, 498…. You’re getting sleepy. Did I tell you that I’m also a trained hypnotherapist?Well I am! 497…count!I can’t hear you counting. Are you counting?I can’t do no fantasy without cooperation!Get to it!I can’t hear you!

“496…..”

“That’s better.Now, when you get down ta zero you will be fast asleep and in my power…Keep counting!”

“495…Er…but Princess Mistress… that’s going to cost me a fortune!”

“Keep counting! You are growing more and more feminine as you count. 495… More and more in Her Exalted Princess Mistress’ power. Now keep counting, and when I come back here I want to hear you still counting…slowly…backward. Count!”

“That guy’s voice sure sounds familiar,” Biff mused as she idly washed her hands after relieving herself.“I could swear I’ve heard it before.Fuck, I been talkin’ to so many of these perverts lately I can hardly wipe my ass right anymore.”

Returning to the phone, Biff heard the caller continuing his countdown to erotic nirvana.

I’m with Metro. Been there, done that, bought way too many t-shirts. Pervert Savant nailed every detail, captured every nuance of “bad phone sex.” What a belly laugh. I just wish I could email it to my friends. But, well, er … some things are better left where they are.

Bravo! I laughed so hard my sides ache. So funny because so close to the truth (present company excepted, of course, Angela!) Like Sponge Bob, I’m dying to share this – but with whom? Thanks, PS, for a joyous evening.

Pervert Savant, you’ve written a piece that made me laugh out loud. Perhaps because it rings so true?

I don’t know how many “Biffies” inhabit the netherworld of phone sex, but suspect there are far too many. This piece actually presents a microcosm of the copycat mentality underlining service-based businesses today.

I often ask myself, what ever happened to orignal thought? And when did substandard service become business as usual? We used to hold ourselves to a higher standard and expected the same from the people taking our money.

I read this yesterday and I’m still laughing. The foolishness of it all kept coming back to me all day. It is right on and very, very funny. I don’t want Biff to go back to her other job, she’s so perfect at this one.

Biff recognizes the voice? Could it be me? I’ve been on just that call far too often. If we can all laugh at this, why don’t the Empress Mistress Princess Strap-on Suzies of the web realize how silly they are? All I want is some literate smut – and, thank goodness, I know just where to find it.

[…] Pervert Savant kept us entertained with his very original and always hilarious installments of Love on the Razor-Wire, The Poignant Story of a Young Pre-Operative Transsexual Forced into a Life of Twisted Sex and […]

[…] **Special thanks to Pervert Savant for teaching me to check my spelling for the correct usage of discrete/discreet. I can’t and won’t tell you if he’s on Twitter, because it’s none of your business. But he is here on my blog. […]