Slowly Appearing

Had to take a few days off from the intensity of this. Ended up driving to my best friends house in So. Cali. It was nice and warm, and relaxing. I didn’t make it to the beach to talk to Yemanya, but I did do some major thinking on the road between here and there. Thank goddess for the 6 hours each way.

I think the biggest thing I figured out was that – while I pretty much knew I was ready for this whole thing, considering its been about 10 years on and off that I have been searching, and only in this past year made a strong effort – that while I was prepared for the situation – I truly wasn’t prepared for how much emotional impact it would have on me. So I'm giving myself a bit more permission to be a little more emotional and let myself cry at any given moment if I need to.

Before I left – I spoke to ***** (birth mother) again. It was another long hour conversation, and by the end of it – I found myself wanting to get off the phone. She is very talkative, and actually called herself a "drama queen". I left that one alone because after the FIRST phone call – it was something I mentioned to one person I was talking to, exact words even.

She has this weird resolve that I am finding difficult. She is very accepting of her decisions, understanding they are part of her life – which is a great thing, and not what I’m finding hard. I’m just not sure I can give her the 'props' she keeps suggesting she is good for because she is the one who made the relinquishment decision, and she keeps saying it was a good decision, her prayers were answered, I was raised by a white family (she keeps saying this too) and given everything that she wasn’t given.

I’m not convinced I can let her take responsibility for me turning out the way that I did. It was my mom and dad who raised me, taught me, punished me, cried with me, made me laugh, taught me how to love and respect myself, taught me that I am precious. It wasn’t her. So I am not convinced she gets to claim that. It really was like – a crap shoot. She gave me up – but there was no guarantee that I would be blessed the way that I was.

RE: *****(birth pops). The rape issue is also something I’ve had a bit more time to think about. I'm not going to act like I was shocked or that I never thought about it, because I think (like most adoptees) I've gone through almost every scenario thinkin about the circumstances of my birth. Yet, like i mentioned before it doesn’t make the next part of this search easy. Its going to be a diffucult thing to find someone who doesnt have a clue you exsist.

One interesting note: She talked about being perceptive when she was very young. this kind of tripped me out because I’ve been perceptive and spiritually guided since I was very young. There are many other things that are trippin me out too, as I look over the years of my creative writing. I have a story about a woman I’ve been writing for about 3 years now. Her mother has a 3 day affair with a stranger whom she never sees again. The daughter goes to look for him after she has a dream about him dancing in the sugar cane fields. She finds him and follows him around for many days, just watching him to see if she feels anything for him. She turns into a werewolf one night and shows up on his door to keep him company while he writes his music. I haven’t gotten to the part where she appears to him in human form.

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4 thoughts on “Slowly Appearing”

Lisa,
Thanks for sharing your story. I have been checking back for updates. Wow! I always thought you to be a strong woman, you are. This will make you stronger. Again thanks for sharing. I truely repect you and your courage to share with all who wish to stop by.
Bertha

Lisa Marie, I just found your blog via Ji-in’s. Your story is so captivating and moving to me. I searched for and found my birthmother over 20 years ago and the journey never really ends. I’m working now for an organization called Pact (www.pactadopt.org) and we are always looking for voices of adult adoptees to help our work of supporting and educating families who have adopted children of color. (some transracially, some not) I am looking forward to reading more about your story. Best wishes.

I don’t know if she’s trying to take credit for the way you are or for the childhood that you had and she didn’t. I think she is trying to make it ok in her heart that she had to live without you. Telling herself all the good benefits and how it was the right decision is a way of not crumpling up and dying inside. I really don’t know her or you so I could be wrong but I wonder if that’s why she keeps saying those things. And she did give you up so you could have a better chance, a chance that she didn’t have so she does deserve some credit for what you got. You wouldn’t have gotten those things if she had kept you. Sometimes I feel like we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.
And as I said, I don’t know her or you so this is just me guessing or speculating…..

kim kim – thank you for your comments. They really help me to continue to try and be sympathetic to her side of this situation. I dont know what kind of pain she is feeling and its important to me that she is able to feel all of it, just like I am sure that there are things I have to feel to move through this process. I’m sure part of it IS what you say – that she wants to make it okay for her to be able to live. it definately is a two-edged sword