She Assumes You're Gay

6 Reasons Women Assume You're Gay

Back in the days when men were “men” and Rock Hudson was a paragon of heterosexuality, life was simpler for straight guys. Today, with gender roles in a state of flux and traditional ideas about masculinity turned upside-down, things are a lot more confusing, especially for women.

Do girls keep slotting you into the “friend” category, despite your best efforts to attract them? Maybe you’re giving them the wrong idea. We asked a random selection of women and gay columnist Richard Burnett to give us some straight answers. Here are six reasons why women might assume you’re gay.

1.You’re homophobic.

This one should be obvious. When a guy goes out of his way to make disparaging remarks about gay people, one can’t help but wonder what he’s so worried about. Homophobia also expresses itself in other, more subtle ways, like “harmless” jokes or obsessions with the sexuality of people around you. As Burnett puts it: “Most straight people just aren’t all that concerned with whether or not someone is gay. Gays are mostly invisible to completely straight men.”

2. A Queer Eye.

Women appreciate a man who takes care of himself and knows how to dress. “A sense of style is important,” says Lori, a 30-something voiceover artist. “But if a man can spot a pair of Ferragamos from half a block away, it might make you ask some questions.”

Do you spend more time in the mirror than your girlfriend does? Is your skin-care routine more complex than the average cosmetologist’s? Maybe you want to dial it back just a touch. I mean, the point of all that preening is to make yourself more attractive to women, right?

3. You’re über-hetero.

A guy who can’t shut up about “scoring with chicks,” and who hoots and hollers at the Super Bowl cheerleaders more than at the actual game, seems like he’s trying too hard. Again, what are you hoping to prove? Not only does this sort of thing make people around you uncomfortable, but it also significantly decreases your chances of scoring with actual chicks, aka women. You should probably chill, if for no other reason than for the fact that your current strategy is a huge turnoff.

4. You show a lack of interest.

This was, by far, the most common answer from all the women surveyed. And, as many of them admit, it’s as much about their own egos and insecurities as it is about anything you’re actually doing. Julie, an attractive 27-year-old choreographer, puts it like this: “If I invite a guy back to my place and he doesn’t at least try to make a move, I would think that maybe he’s just not into women.”

On the one hand, women want you to be a gentleman and respect their limits, but when you do, they make unwarranted assumptions about your sexuality. Is it confusing and more than a little unfair? Sure, but no one said sexual politics aren’t complicated. The key is to find that fine line between playing it cool and making unwanted advances.

5. You're a gossip.

It’s one thing to be comfortable talking to a group of women, and maybe telling them a funny story about the guys at work. It’s another to sit around for hours making catty remarks about your friends’ relationships. “I’m not saying that straight guys never gossip,” says Neda, a stunning 22-year-old philosophy student. “but dishing the dirt is pretty much the territory of women and gay men.” Venture at your own risk.

6. You act "gay."

There’s no logical reason why a heterosexual man can’t sit with his legs crossed or wear a pink polo shirt. But, as Burnett explains, “when straight guys start crossing lines, it messes up the gender binary and most people — even many gay people — can’t deal with that.” In the end, though, it’s all relative. “A generation ago, manscaping was pretty much exclusive to gay males. Now it’s de rigueur for all men.”

Maybe someday, when all the stigmas around homosexuality are a thing of the past, straight men will get together to watch Glee reruns and give each other cucumber facials while listening to Barbra Streisand records. Or maybe not.

In the meantime, no matter how confident you are in your sexuality, it never hurts to be aware of the messages you’re sending.