Majority of this blog is about adoption loss. I am also the Mom to a 21 year old son and a 16 year old son. I am fresh out of adoption related topics so I will use this blog to write just about whatever is going on in my life and may throw in adoption and reunion in here when the urge hits me. I recently went thru a bad divorce. I know it was quick but I found love and that has brought me much needed happiness. I may write about my relationship at times.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

This past week was a little rough on me. When I buy clothes for the babies and toddlers at MELD it picks me up. So, I did just that. I almost always buy things from the places like the good will and salvation army. I only buy new items when I see a really good deal. I handed them a bag full of clothes yesterday. I just buy a few at a time and then give them away. I thought it would be fun to take a picture of them. Excuse my mess on the table.

Monday, November 29, 2010

I have decided that in one week from today, I am going to pull the money that has been raised for MELD. Through blogging the total amount has been raised is 105.00 I don't add money to the account like I wanted to at first because it wouldn't let me pay myself. I did buy gently used clothes here and there for MELD. I have had to really work hard on not buying all girl stuff, because girl stuff is so PRETTY. But it's more boys than girls. If anyone else would want to donate to the organization now is the time to do it. I won't seek donations after this last chance call. I will leave the donate button up should anyone ever strike it rich! lol My plan is to split the money up and use half on gifts for the six to seven kids that show up on a weekly basis for Christmas presents. With the other half, I will use that to buy items from the baby section of the stores. Examples, baby bottles, wipes, pacifiers, bibs, baby lotions, soap, teething rings, rattles or any other baby related item.

Again, I want to thank everyone who even considered donating. I know sometimes money is tight and there just isn't enough to go around. Also, thanks to everyone who did donate. It's been a great experience for me. I will put the funds to good use.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

I have been working on my scrapbook for Izzy for two years. I been after this aunt of mine for two years to go through her pictures and get some copies of my grandmother to me. One, I want it for the scrapbook and two I just want them for me. Both of my grandmother's died before I was born and I would love to see what they looked like. My aunt is the oldest living child left and hasn't been too well. So, I kind of gave up asking until I found out my Dad was going to see her. I figure between my Dad, his wife and her and her daughter that someone could look through the photos and copy them for me. My Dad refused. He said my aunt isn't well enough to do it and he wouldn't know for sure if he was looking at his Mom or his grandmother. Huh? Is he telling me that she has pictures of my grandmother and my great grandmother? And we can get them another time. It's just feel like an excuse after an excuse to me. I am about ready to give up. He says that the next time he is there or maybe I can take a trip to do it, but what's going to be the excuse this time. It wouldn't do me any good to go through them, because I wouldn't know who I was looking at either. It is really making me sad. I have nothing to show that I had grandmother's. I feel like they are denying my requests to even see a picture.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I remember last winter, I believe it was in February and the pastor was talking about taking the focus off yourself and put it onto others. From that I quickly made the move to contact MELD.

I got into volunteering and haven't stopped. It has really helped me feel better about myself plus it's fun to hang around little children.

So, I thought why not raise money for them.

As of yesterday, I had raised 30.00 and was stayed really happy that people cared enough to help support my desire to donate to them.

Did I ever mention that I have a lot to be thankful for? I do. Some of you know that I been keeping something BIG from this blog. I still not wanting to go all out and talk about it on here, but trust me when I say it's GOOD!

Back to the MELD. I checked my email today.

I found something that just amount made me jump off the couch.

Do you really want to know?

You sure?

It's awesome news!

Meld had received another donation.

In the amount of 75.00!!!

That brings the total that I have raised through my blogging to be 105.00 plus countless clothes that I bought for them.

I am so thankful for the person that donated any money to MELD. It means so much to me. I am even more so thankful to the person that donated the 75.00. It blew me away. Thank you again for your support.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Don't be afraid to talk about your child and adoption. Make sure that you have at least a few people that you can talk to. Write letters to your child and save them.Create a scrapbook. If your getting pictures. Hang them up but save copies in safe places. Don't let your family pretend it didn't happen. Don't deny that your child was born. Check into counseling if you need it. It's not a sign of weakness. Go on a regular basis. Be open and honest with boyfriend's husband's. The saddest thing that I read once was a man that was contacted by his wives grandchild. She was the grandchild of the daughter that she placed for adoption. She lived her whole life and never even told her husband or kids. Tell yourself everyday that you are good. Adoption didn't make you a bad person. Create something a special way to honor your child on his or her birthday. I kind of treat my daughter's birthday as an excuse to treat myself to a day out.

If anyone else has any suggestions on what to tell a birthmom in those early years please feel free to suggest it. I think some of the things I mentioned might have given me less of a stuggle over the years.

Friday, November 19, 2010

I seen a big printed statement on the back of the GO section in our paper. It was from Lutheran services thanking foster parents and adoptive families. Where was the thanks to the people that choose adoption for their children? Do the children just appear out of thin air so there isn't much of a reason to thank them.

It's sad in this day and age the birthparents are so easily forgotten.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I am calling out to the bloggers that scream anti adoption. I don't mean to offend you all but I see all the posts screaming about anti adoption and it's inspired me to call you to you to ask you to donate to MELD. They offer shelter,food, clothing, educational and work assistance. Even more so than all that, they help keep babies with their Mom's. These are Mom's who had no where else to turn and if not for them. I would say that some of the MELD Mom's would have had to choose adoption. If someone has no support and no options then it's adoption isn't a choice.

I am not anti adoption nor pro adoption. My daughter joined her family through adoption and is very happy and willing to get to know me. I couldn't bash adoption all around, because I have grown as a person and understand that sometimes it's just has to be.

However, I do believe in family preservation.I think adoption should be a last option. I don't think there should be stereo types that if your single you can't be a good parent or if you don't own that perfect house that you should choose adoption. I won't say that all a baby needs is love because anyone that has ever raised a baby to toddler stages, knows that it's not cheap. However, there are programs and you can find good used baby materials and equipment. I admit there are a few things that I wouldn't go used. Number one would have to be car seats.

So, I am asking that if your screaming anti adoption and you want to do something more than you are already doing to make things different for the generations to come. Click on the donate bottom and donate to MELD. I know it's not nation wide help. It's basically just my area and the areas around it. Women have been known to come as far as a few hours a way to get a place to stay with MELD. I would have happily left my town for a chance at raising my daughter. So, donate to this cause. It could be as simple as giving a buck or two. (the price of a cup of coffee) or maybe your feeling generous and want to skip out on ordering that pizza and want to give ten or more.

I believe all if not most of all the people that have donated have been adopted parents. Correct me if I am wrong.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I made the mistake of giving my Mom the wrong phone number. She actually called to today and still isn't doing well at the tragic loss of her dog. She said to call her sometime. I will because I believe in second and third chances with family but I am not sure how many chances a person should get. I suppose I will call in but I don't and won't accept a relationship on the terms of her never calling me.

She still makes me nervous. While, I was talking to her my aunt called her. This is the same aunt that chose not to mention that she seen my daughter and tell me anything about her. I understand protecting privacy and not telling certain things but never once did she try to express that my daughter was alright. I know that my Mom and her can't control Izzy but I still have my fears.

Last night, at MELD went pretty well. We had the two newborns again, but one slept the whole time so that made it easier. I was able to feed and cuddle the other little guy. Also, was able to set him down and interact with the bigger kids. There were a total of seven kids and three of us adults to watch over them. The child that screamed almost the whole time was so much better. He likes to work puzzles and that got one of the older child who is easily influenced by others to do puzzles too. The child that is the biggest and was causing most of the uproar is calming down a little more each week. Since, I use time out's now. He has been controlling his behavior better. He still does some of the bad behavior but corrects himself a lot better now. He doesn't like time out. I try really hard to interact with him and not just notice the wrong things.

Monday, November 15, 2010

It's not to late to throw some money towards MELD. Thanksgiving is coming up. I think I get a break because of the holiday. I know I have a lot to be thankful this year. Do you? So, far I have 30.00 for them. Can we make that 40.00 by tomorrow night when I post about how my night of babysitting went. It could be ten people giving one dollar or one person giving the ten or two people giving five. You know the math. Thanks ahead of time. haha. Now, you must feel guilty because I know that it will happen and you wouldn't want to me be sad, would you?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I haven't worked in my scrap book in ages. I really need to work on it some more and finish it. Maybe, I worked best through the tears. I just can't get into the right mood for it. Maybe, it's because I am afraid of finishing it and then giving it away to Izzy. It was always my goal to give it to her but there was also a possibility that I would never get that chance. So, maybe, I put so much into it that it scares me to give it away. Maybe, my pain was so deep that I am even afraid of sharing it with her. That makes me feel silly, because it's not like I made a depressing book. It's full of art. It's full of family pictures. It's full of my creativity. It's no where near done. I have more ideas and things that I want to include in it. It's hard to explain. I have been protecting this book for years now. I have said that in the event of a fire, I will get the book. It's not hidden away in a closet. It's in a bin in the living room. It's can't not be replaced.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I have been seeing quite a few blogs lately that really is bashing adoptions. I get that there is a lot of pain involved in adoption. I don't have to be the first to tell you that. There is pain in all areas of adoption. I wish it wasn't true, but it is. I am trying to channel my pain in other directions. Volunteering for MELD has been a big self esteem pick me up. I can't express how much it has changed my life for the good. Blogging has done so much for me. I have found people who I really connect with. Having another birthmom to actually talk has done me a great deal of help. I always felt so alone. It's not that I want people to hurt like me. We all know that misery loves company but I am not that mean. I have been able to learn more about adoption from adoptive parents. I used to HATE adoptive parents. I thought they were all bad and didn't keep their word and wished the birthparents dead. I am finding that some are very open to open adoption and some do honor open adoptions. I have learned from adoptess. I have talked to ones that do not feel sadness and those that do. I feel bad for the ones that do and no way am I saying that they shouldn't write what they wish. I just never could really express 100% anti adoption views on my blog because well that is how my daughter joined her family and I would be afraid of how she would think of me. My daughter is beautiful and I love her. Do I wish that things had been different and I raised her? Yes, but that wasn't my reality of life and she seems to be satisfied with life. Will I sugar coat adoption loss? No, but I have to think of my reunion. I can't get back yesterday. Yesterday is gone but I have my today's and tomorrow's with my daughter. I can choose to cry about yesterday or rejoice and live for my tomorrows. I am seeing better days.

I seen my Dad hanging with my sister at the restraunt near my house. So, I decided to stop to say hello. She asked me if I had talked to mom. I said that I had called and emailed her and hadn't heard back from her. I asked how she was doing, because she is my Mom. She said that she seems better and my Mom had mentioned that she was going to call me. So, I will wait and see if she does. Right now, I am on the fence with her. Do I continue with things the way they are. Basically seeing her once or twice a year even though we live 20 minutes of each other. Or do I just point blank ask her what I did wrong? I think I know what I did wrong. I struck out in anger on my blog that my family reads, but hey I think that I had the right. I don't know if I could ever forgive my Mom for making me walk away from my daughter, but she is my Mom. It pains me to feel the rejection. When I see her with my brother and sister, I get jealous. When she drives 12 hours to see my older sister, I get jealous. I guess sometimes I just want her to think of me. Maybe, we have too garbage between us. I don't know. Like I said, I am on the fence. Walk away and accept it as it is or maybe we need to have it out.

Monday, November 8, 2010

I try to take my youngest son with me to volunteer for MELD. I love seeing him do his best to try to help out with the children. Sometimes, he can be too strict. He is like the kid police. I would never leave my ten year old alone with other children, as in babysitting, I think he would tie them up with rope. haha. I am just kidding. Well, about the rope but not about him babysitting children.

Tonight, was a little smoother than last week. I have decided the wild child and I mean that in the nicest way possible isn't going to make me run from this program. After all, he is just doing what kids will do. Push and push and see how far they can get away with doing things. So, we are using the 123 magic and basically putting him in timeout and he doesn't like timeout but he understands why he is there. So, I think if he continues to have a consequence for his rough behaviors that he will calm down.

I had two babies that were newborns. I would have to guess less than four months. They were still new newborn clothes. The helper wasn't feeling well so he didn't want to get around the babies. So, I was trying to manage two babies at once. This isn't an easy task. But oh is it ever some sweet moments feeding, holding, playing with these babies. I sat on the floor by their car seats so I had a safe place to set them down when I needed to switch babies. I ended up mixing up blankets and one baby had the other babies pants on and the other baby fell asleep before I could get the wrong pants on him. So, I did goof up a little but hey it was innocent. They were boy babies so none ended up in a dress.

I hope the babies come back. I love it when I see the same Mom's and babies, because I feel like I can give better care and also just get to know them more.

The grand total for MELD is 30.00. That doesn't include my donation because I am just buying clothes or small toys for the children . I am impressed with the donations. It makes me feel good that others care enough to help. I hope that number continues to grow but even if it doesn't, I will be proud to present the money to them.

I called to find out what week we are in the ten week session for MELD. It's week 7. On the last week, I like to get the kids a little something. I am thinking some coloring crayons and a book this time around.I am ready for the two week break but I won't give up on MELD. I know it's a good program and while I love it when I have a great time. I know it's not all about me.

I had my 4Th person donate to my cause and will add up the total tonight. First, I am asking does anyone want to be my 5Th person to donate. It could be as simple as donating that cup of coffee or skipping out on fast food. You know it's not good for you anyways. Or, if you have clothes that your children are no longer wearing you can send them to me. I will pass them on. It's your choice.

Thank You to all those that have donated so far. We only have about five weeks left. Yikes! Thanksgiving is around the corner and Christmas isn't too far away.

This is part of adoption that people who are not touched by adoption just have a hard time understanding. Honestly, I have a hard time explaining it but I will give it a try.When you carry a baby and give birth.. it's love at first sight. It's an out of this world experience. I think when we are pregnant, we know we will love our baby, but until you give birth and see, hold, your baby. It's just a breath taking experience. A moment in our lives time that you will never forget.

It's true that birthmother's do not know the relinquished child in the same way that she does children that she raised. But the out pouring love from our hearts is the same. When are children are sick or hurt, it causes us great deal of sadness. I believe we feel that same sadness if our children that we didn't raise were sick or hurt. There has been times over the years, that I felt that my daughter was sick or hurt. It's a Mother's gut feeling. Is it always right? I suppose it's not. If it's the children that were raised by us.. we can figure it out right away and calm our nerves, but if we have no way to contact our birthchildren then the feelings are often hard to get rid of.

I love all my children. I love them all the same. The only difference is that I wasn't able to express my love to my daughter, but it was there. It's been stored up in a bottle waiting for her. She now knows that I love her and hopefully she understands that I will never leave her again. I am in it for keeps. She is my daughter in all ways, but I am not her Mom. However, I am my sons Moms and I was able to give them my love. I was there for them. I still love them all the same. I would lay down my life for them all.

I also have been blessed with two stepchildren. The bond isn't the same as my three children born to me. I didn't raise them and I know a lot of people might think that is strange that I use that as excuse. I didn't raise my daughter either but I spent 18 years loving her from a distance. When it comes to my stepchildren, I didn't even know them until they were about 18 years of age. I love them. It's more of the kind of love that is there because my husband loves them. So, sometimes when people ask me how many kids we have, I like to say that we have five kids between us.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

My little sister called me to tell me that our Mom's dog got loose and was killed by two dogs. She was still alive when they got to the animal hospital but the injuries were just too severe. It would have been thousands of dollars with a slim chance of making it. My Mom loved her dog like many people love their animals. It makes me sad just thinking of it, because it has to be so sad.

I feel torn. Do I be the good daughter and run to my Mom's aid even though she hasn't really been the good Mom. It's not a easy thought process. Either option causes me a great deal of sadness. I feel like my Mom has checked out my life and just isn't really someone that I can even think of going to. She has showed me over and over that she just isn't able to emotionally handle the stress of being a Mother to me. She can't even seem to be a friend?

I called her and left her a message and told her how sorry I was that it had happened and that I loved her. It's true. I love my Mom. It's just she doesn't seem to love back or know how to get past her issues. It's such a sad thing.

Friday, November 5, 2010

When I started blogging, I never imagined that I would actually talk to someone on the phone that I had met through blogland. Somehow, I found this blog and when I needed it most she reached out to me and we have talked on the phone more times than I can count. I consider her to be a very good friend of mine and I am sure someday we will meet.We both have a lot in common that we both lost daughters to adoption and at the hands of our Mother. Our stories are not all the same but she has been a lifesaver to me.I have been gaining the ability to talk to people about my daughter. It's not a easy process but I need to be able to speak because through talking maybe great things can come.Last week, I mentioned the coworker who's friend Mother had made her place her daughter and I gave her my number and said for her to call me.Tonight, the co worker said that she plan on giving her the number tonight. She also went on to say how the birthmom talked about how it might have been if their daughters could have been playing together had she kept her. She said, she told her to not talk like that. I told her, in a nice way, that telling her not to talk is probably the worst thing you can say.She was like really? I said, yea, you basically dismissed her feelings and that is hard.

So, I am hoping that the birthmom will call me and I can pay it forward and reach out to her. I would like the chance to be that special person to her. I hope that in being more open about my birthmother status that I can educate people even if it's the smallest way.

Lastly, birthmom1986, I think your awesome! You have no idea on what your friendship means to me. Your story of your reunion with your daughter gave me something to hold on to. It gave me hope for better days ahead. And better days are here!

I haven't been counting the weeks of going to meld this time. I just show up every Monday at 6 30 pm. This will be my 3rd ten week session of volunteering my time. I am debating call it quits for now. I have just been struggling with the older children. I really want to experience the pleasure of playing, holding children while I am there. I don't want to just be the person that is on them because they want to rough handle the toys, throw the toys, climb away. I want to hold the little girls, feed the little babies and even make sure the diapers are dry so when momma gets them home that she has less to do before bedtime. Does that make me selfish?I know that I shouldn't let a few bad weeks make me quit a good thing. I honestly enjoy being with the children. I just don't want to feel like it's work. I want it to feel fun.I have a paid babysitting job on Sundays for a church and that is only one or two children and it's so easy, but my heart has always been with Meld.I take care of the elderly for a job and taking care of children is so different. It's fun. I am wondering if I should apply for a part time job at the Ymca.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

I never really heard of such a thing until blogging. I was there was a birth control awareness month and be nice to birthmothers awareness month and Dad's have rights awareness month and don't be in such a hurry to grow up awareness month.

I have a few thoughts that I would like to throw out there to honor this month.

First, soon to be adoptive parents when the child is born that you hope to adopt... let the Mother have her time in the hospital. Even if she says that she wants you there. Give her the that time. Let her know that while you want to be there for the baby and her that you really should give yourself this time with your baby. Love on him or her and say your hellos and goodbyes. Don't let your fear that they might change their mind trick you into hogging the baby.

If you saying open adoption is what you want then have an open adoption. Treat the birthmother with the same respect that you would want if it was you. Keep your word. Don't sit on information about the child's birthparent or pictures because the child hasn't asked yet. don't make them ask. Make adoption be there normal. There is no reason why a grown adoptee shouldn't know that they have sisters or brothers out there when the information is within their reach.

My oldest son who lives with his Dad but we have joint custody. It means equal rights. He calls me and says that he is sick and needs to be picked up. The nurse gets on the phone and tells me tha I am not on the list to get him and I have no rights to him. (to pick him up) I need to get my ex husband or ex mother n law to give verbal permission for me to do so. The ex husband is in class and won't leave and my mother n law has to take a long bus ride.This ticks me off so bad. I refuse to call and make someone give me permission to get my son. I had/have one child who I am the mom but not the Mom and I refuse for it to be that way with another one.As of right now, I am close to giving in and asking them to give the permission up so I can just get him and take him home to rest but it just stings. Also, this is the reality of my son wanting to live with a father that won't stop working or whatever he is doing to take care of a child. Oh and he drives a moterized bike and wouldn't be able to get him anyway.

I have I told you enough times that I just find you so beautiful? Well, you are beautiful! Your eyes are just stunning. I love the way you smile. I love you so very much. I wish that I could have been your Mom. I would have loved to see you grow up and be there for you every day. I am not your Mom and that's okay with me. I just want you to know that I am here for you. If you call my name, I will come. I promise you that I won't ever walk away from your life. I am here for good. Did I tell you that your beautiful? Sweet girl, you are beautiful. I couldn't have asked for a better daughter. I know the real term of who you are to me is birthdaughter but I don't like using it. You can be my daughter without me being your Mom. That's just how I feel. I love you baby girl. Now and always.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The last couple sessions of babysitting for Meld hasn't been very easy. It's been downright hard and not fun. The whole three ten week sessions there has been a older child of 3. All the others have mostly been either under one. (not too often do I get babies but we do sometimes) The average age has been over one but walkers and beginning of talkers. This is the age that I like. The older boy does okay as long as he is the only older boy, but the few weeks there has been another older boy even older than him and they are running around like chickens with their head cut off. They are throwing toys, being rough with toys and climbing on things. Then, the toddlers see the behavior and if I am lucky play on their own or if I am not lucky smacks one of the wild children in the head because they can't throw as well.My helper (he is a guy) was great with just the one older child but hasn't been good with two or three of them. Then, last night, another older child got dropped off and he cried the whole time. It didn't matter if I held him or rub his back or talked to him. He would cry. If I walked away to stop the stuff going on with the others, he would follow me and cry.Finally, I got him to sit on my lap and we did about five puzzles and it was nice. I want to play with children, but it's just not been fun.I did end up putting the oldest of the bunch in time out because I just had to get some control of it. Meld has been such a good thing for me and I hope it continues to be.

I took them this bag stuffed with baby clothes and some toddler clothes and the guy who drives the van took the clothes back with them. I hope they can find babies that can use them. It's so fun buying them.

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About Me

At the young age of 15 years old. I had a baby girl and was pushed to choose adoption. I was uneducated and uninformed on how there are different types of adoption. It has been a long lonely road as a birthmother and forever damaged the relationship I have with my Mom. I write two blogs. One I keep a little more private than the other.