Cancer Survivors Network - Comments for "Cancer and Shame?"http://csn.cancer.org/node/254317
Comments for "Cancer and Shame?"en-csnSympathy yes Pity nohttp://csn.cancer.org/node/254317#comment-1362564
<p><span style="font-size: medium;">I was diagnosed with BC in November 2012, and am fortunate to have very supportive family and friends who helped me through radical masectomy, chemotherapy and now radiation. I readily admit to the disease to the people in my life -friends, strangers yet am very reluctant to discuss my cancer at work ( they still dont know!!).</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: medium;"> Is it shame or not wanting to be treated differently? my biggest fear is being subject to pity.</span></p>
Wed, 24 Apr 2013 08:25:39 +0000Tejucomment 1362564 at http://csn.cancer.orgI had a bit of those feelings, toohttp://csn.cancer.org/node/254317#comment-1362558
<p>I was thinking hardly why is that. I think it's tied to stereotype that cancer is something you get if you let it happen. Has someone already told you that? It's something that really annoys me. Just yesterday I had a big arguing with my friend who said to me that in life happen things we choose for. Maybe it's something true about it, but it's far from being so simple. Otherwise we would all choose to be healthy and happy, wouldn't we? Life just doesn't happen that way. It's been a lot of written about how illness happen if you are not listening to yourself and don't live in accordance to that. And I think that my guilt or shame came from that. Because I am thankful for this topic and glad it's not only me with all these thoughts and feelings.</p>
<p>Carmen</p>
Wed, 24 Apr 2013 06:17:47 +0000hope67comment 1362558 at http://csn.cancer.orgdouble post, sorryhttp://csn.cancer.org/node/254317#comment-1362158
<p>sorry, double post!</p>
Tue, 23 Apr 2013 03:25:01 +0000TexasCharliecomment 1362158 at http://csn.cancer.orgThere has been a wide rangehttp://csn.cancer.org/node/254317#comment-1362157
<p><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">There has been a wide range of emotions from my perspective, even a little shame, but not a lot. I quit drinking 25 years asgo quit smoking 3 years ago, went walking a mile or 2 every day and have good chlesterol levels and good blood pressure. I had been controlling my diabetes with diet too. My families on both sides are long lived with no history of cancer. Then <span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><em><strong>I</strong></em> </span>get cancer<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">! What did I do wrong. Oh I went through the "what ifs" too. Yeah there was a little shame, shame that I let down my family. Now instead of fixing everything I had to be fixed.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">And there was a little guilt but I have come to terms with the whole thing. It is all beyond my control and in God's hands. All I can do is what's in front of me go to treatments and follow doctors orders.&nbsp;</span></span></p>
Tue, 23 Apr 2013 03:23:09 +0000TexasCharliecomment 1362157 at http://csn.cancer.orgguilthttp://csn.cancer.org/node/254317#comment-1362060
<p><span style="font-size: medium;">Have been an RN for 44 years. I know that guilt is taken to a new level&nbsp;by&nbsp;most woman. And at least in my case, being a&nbsp;caretaker and a Catholic compounded this&nbsp;even more.&nbsp; But, my upbringing taught me that I was pretty wonderful and a very strong woman so I did alot of mental processing through the years on this subject and rejected much of it. I think we feel guilt because most of us want to make a positive difference in the world so we multi-task like crazy and hold ourselves to very high standards. Hopefully we learn to have realistic expectations for what we can accomplish without neglecting ourselves.&nbsp;&nbsp;We also have had to work on what we will accept and incorporate into our philosophy about our personal appearance and what we will do to get and attain it.&nbsp; But&nbsp;I think one of the most important arms of this process is if you really care what people think of you. Being overweight with early gray hair, made me decide if people didn't like it, they didn't have to look. Why should&nbsp;I care what someone, who has nothing to do with&nbsp;my life, thinks of me&nbsp;? Why would&nbsp;I give&nbsp;my personal power to a stranger? And if&nbsp;my friends are critical, are they really friends? I will be my own judge, not strangers! &nbsp;Another facet of this,&nbsp;is healthcare policies that although unproven have started to blame the victim&nbsp;for their&nbsp;illness. This is&nbsp;clever, dishonest way to&nbsp;parse out&nbsp; funds and falsely justify denying healthcare to millions.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: medium;">I think your feeling of guilt is more that you couldn't control things enough to prevent your cancer. Which of course is impossible, but makes us feel weak and betrayed. I think I felt differently because my Mom had BC and I just knew I would have it some day. The only guilt I had was putting my family and friends through the worry. My daughters immediately said don't blame yourself, blame the monster that is cancer. So I'm just&nbsp;asking, could any of us really have prevented this from happening? The answer is NO. People who are perfect physical specimens still get cancer. Actually we are amazing for going through the pain and suffering, and coming out stronger and better for it&nbsp;. Growing&nbsp;stronger mentally, physically and spiritually and changing our priorities&nbsp;because we&nbsp;really&nbsp;know what a gift our life is.&nbsp;We have to be strong and not be our own worst enemy. If we and our loved ones think we look great, even though we're flat, bald, chubby etc.&nbsp;from our treatments, surgery and meds then we do. And we are more thankful than most, just to be alive.&nbsp;We are survivors watch us shine.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: medium;">jojo2</span></p>
Mon, 22 Apr 2013 23:44:02 +0000jojo2comment 1362060 at http://csn.cancer.orgThanks for your pearls of wisdomhttp://csn.cancer.org/node/254317#comment-1337676
<p>I kniw I can always come to you to sort out my twisted&nbsp;mind (;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>I honestly didn't I felt it until I saw that post&nbsp;</p>
<p>and reading your posts makes me understand a lot.</p>
<p>Hugs,</p>
<p>Ayse</p>
Tue, 19 Feb 2013 02:46:50 +0000aysemaricomment 1337676 at http://csn.cancer.orgI am late reading this posthttp://csn.cancer.org/node/254317#comment-1337612
<p><span style="font-size: small;">I am late reading this post but it looks like Ayse began a very lively and interesting discussion.&nbsp; </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">When I was first diagnosed at age 33, I mainly remember feeling very betrayed by my body.&nbsp; Until then, I had never really been sick.&nbsp; I think there was a part of my psyche that felt ashamed that this was something I couldn't control.&nbsp; Isn't that dumb?!</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">My gyn, also a family friend, gave me some good advice.&nbsp; He had just been very sick himself and said that it was very hard to let go of control, but, when he did, a burden was lifted.&nbsp;</span></p>
Mon, 18 Feb 2013 22:56:11 +0000CypressCynthiacomment 1337612 at http://csn.cancer.orgInteresting...http://csn.cancer.org/node/254317#comment-1337564
<p>This is an interesting thread. I never felt ashamed of having this illness BUT I have felt incompetent in dealing with other people's emotions/reactions to my condition.&nbsp; </p>
<p>I bought a very expensive wig when I lost my hair and today I asked myself why I did that. It's not like I went out often. Who was I trying to impress? Was it really me or society? I bought the wig because of my job. I didn't tell anyone at work I had been dx except my boss, HR and a few other people who are my friends. But I hardly ever wore the wig. Was I really ashamed? No. I was scared to face the reality. I think at some point I wanted to feel in denial. To feel normal. Exposing my situation to the world would have put me in a situation where I could not have a chance to hide. Everyone would know and I would be just that, a cancer patient (nothing wrong with accepting the reality, but one must do it one day at a time). Emotionally, I wasn't ready to deal with people's reactions to my illness. I didn't want to dramatize my situation more than it deserved it. I do think this is a very personal state of mind. I think it all depends on how comfortable you feel at the time, and how important it is to do what you want. Today, 2 years later, I feel OK telling people I had breast cancer. I trained myself to accept it and live with it. Never felt ashamed of it.</p>
<p>Here's another interesting perspective:</p>
<p>Yes, we live in the 21st century, but society is still very mean and ignorant. Why do we feel so ashamed? Is it because we feel guilty? I am not sure if any of you thought of this, but one of the most common reactions to having cancer is a sense of guilt - thinking about what we did to deserve this. And why do we think that? Because of society. Society has created an ideology perfect enough to help them cope with their own lives. People like to feel in a better position than the other: "better she than me". Is this what we feel ashamed of? <strong>This is not how I feel at all. No one deserves this.</strong> And it makes me angry that society has a convenient way of looking at things. I am reading a great book I recommend called "When Bad Things Happens to Good People". It illustrates my point exactly. </p>
<p>I think anything that we feel after diagnoses is a normal response from our brains and it's what make us all unique. A lot of it is a derivative of different ideologies society has created to control us. I think we will overcome these feelings and fears.</p>
Mon, 18 Feb 2013 20:13:31 +0000LoveBabyJesuscomment 1337564 at http://csn.cancer.orgThank you ladieshttp://csn.cancer.org/node/254317#comment-1337418
<p>I appreciate your advice and kind thoughts.&nbsp; I do have a payment plan with the hospital where I stayed for complications (twice), it's actually my local hospital that has been the source of most of the grief about medical&nbsp;bills.&nbsp; We have several much smaller bills there and, while I have been paying them down with every pay check, they've continued to call.&nbsp; It hasn't all been bad though, the company that provides our oil said not to worry about the monthly payment plan, just to pay when we could and my coworkers collected money to help us pay for a new engine in our car when it died (halfway through chemo).&nbsp; So we'll be ok, I guess the shame question just brought up some feelings I hadn't really realized were there.&nbsp; You all are great, thanks for your care and support!</p>
Mon, 18 Feb 2013 13:09:51 +0000PennyJcomment 1337418 at http://csn.cancer.orgyes i would say i felthttp://csn.cancer.org/node/254317#comment-1337261
<p>yes i would say i felt embarrassment, because I had no boobs. I am getting better about it. I have alwasy wanted control over my info, so did not go hat less, but I am not one who deals with attention or standing out well. I am not ashamed of having cancer, but&nbsp; maybe what i may or may not have done to get it.</p>
Mon, 18 Feb 2013 00:46:24 +0000carkriscomment 1337261 at http://csn.cancer.org