Does This Sex Column Make My Ass Look Fat? #2

Preparing for this column, I’ve read more Cosmo than any woman should ever read. I now know how to buy jeans for any shape, which drug store moisturizer is “almost as good” as its three hundred-dollar counterpart, and what it means when my “vagina acts weird”. I’ve also become quite the expert on what makes one a “Fun, Fearless Female” and realized, that sadly, I am not one. Cosmo held a contest for “Fun, Fearless, Females” and gave ten grand to the winner. They wrote a feature on what she did with the money and how it changed her life. She traveled somewhere tropical and got a BOYFRIEND. On the other hand, Iron Man 3 is about to premiere in the States and that means it is time for Robert Downey Jr. to go around various men’s magazines looking good in suits (and boy, does he). I bought the May edition of GQ for this very thing (because seriously, have you seen that man in a suit?). After months of Cosmo saturation, I nearly had a heart attack when I turned the page in GQ and found an article about actual women, who were actually like me. They did an entire feature on women in the military in favor of women in combat. Cosmo told me I could change my life by finding an exotic long distance lover. Which one was the women’s magazine again? Oh yeah, Cosmo. But don’t worry, folks. Cosmo doesn’t want women to be submissive little twits, and they were sure to come to the rescue with “52 SEX TIPS” for all “BEDROOM BADASSES” (capitalization theirs, not mine), inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s definitely bondage tips for badasses. You’re going to have to be a badass when you’re spending the night in county jail for assault.

Beat him with your beauty products, and make sure it hurts.

I want to make something clear from the jump—I am not, in any way, against BDSM. The thing about BDSM, though, is that it requires a relationship built on trust, understanding, and specificity. You can’t, for instance, read Cosmo one morning while he’s in the shower, and then run in and beat the shit out of him with your hairbrush. That’s exactly what Cosmo wants you to do, though.

“Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps out of the shower—wet skin is more sensitive.”

We generally shower in the mornings here, often before either of us have had our morning coffee. I read this tip and tried to imagine what the result of this action would be. I stopped, because none of the possible outcomes involved the greatest sex of my life. No, more of my imagined outcomes involved a lot of yelling, slipping on bathroom tile, police knocking at the door, blood, and having to cut my hair short again after an ultimatum involving the phrase “no more hairbrushes or I won’t let you move back in.”

And why stop with a hairbrush? If the idea is to beat him at the moment it will hurt the most, why not just whip out a rat-tail comb and stab the motherfucker? Hairstylists often shave theirs down so they are sharper (there is a genuine hair styling reason for this, I’m told), so before you stab him, make sure that thing is a veritable shank. I mean, this is all about bringing the fucking pain, isn’t it? You’ve already got the element of surprise: he’s half asleep, stumbling out of the shower, you’ve just popped off the toilet from your morning pee, and you’re swinging your hairbrush around like a baseball bat—just go for the kill. You’ll have more cred at county if you’re in for attempted murder.

My solution: Just… don’t. Even if you’re only lightly “swatting” him on the thigh with hair styling equipment, if you haven’t talked about BDSM and your desire to be an amateur dominatrix, at best he’s going to be really confused, at worse he’s going to flash back to that time he got mugged by a hairdresser and drop you on the bathroom tile.

Just start screaming at him, then attempt to discipline him like he’s a toddler.

Nothing turns the human male on like utter confusion. If you’re feeling really adventurous, you can bypass this tip and move right on to waking him up by throwing lit firecrackers into a metal trashcan next to his bed. But for those of us who need to start a little slower to really get into our roles as fun, fearless, am-dommes, Cosmo has a solution that’s just so crazy it might work!

“In your meanest schoolteacher voice, tell him to go stand in a corner facing the wall, and not to move. After a few minutes, demand that he get into bed and ravage you.”

I wouldn’t be so hard on this particular list if the intro said anything about talking to your partner first, but it doesn’t. No, he’s on his laptop reading the eHow for “Telling your live in girlfriend she’s nuts” and you’re on the couch discreetly reading Fifty Shades of Grey on your e-reading device of choice, when suddenly– you jump up, arm outstretched, finger-pointing at the nearest corner (Hey, didn’t you used to have a lamp there? Did you seriously move your lamp just for this?) and scream, “GET IN THAT CORNER AND DO NOT FUCKING MOVE, BUSTER!”

For the purposes of this article, we’re going to work on the assumption that he doesn’t look up from his computer and start the intervention right away. Let’s assume he raises an eyebrow, puts the computer aside and stands in the corner. After a few seconds, he turns his head and says, “Why am I standing in this corner?” What do you do then? I suppose you say “Shut up and look at the wall, you naughty thing!”, and leave him standing there for the “few minutes” suggested by the BDSM experts at Cosmo. Now, this is the really important part, wait until he is really good and agitated. Look at his face, are his nostrils flaring? Okay, now it’s time to “demand” he “ravage” you.

He won’t. Okay, let’s be real– he won’t go stand in the corner, either.

My solution: This is going to get repetitive. DO NOT DO THIS. Seriously, any grown man who responds to an order to go stand in the corner without any viable reason with anything other than utter confusion is troubled. Something is wrong with him. There might be something wrong with you, too, you did choose him after all. If you think this kind of role play would get you hot TALK TO YOUR PARTNER FIRST.

How sharp are your teeth, exactly?

And do you have good dental insurance? These are some things you’ll need to consider before committing this particular type of assault… I mean, before employing this super sexy bedroom tip.

“Bite his inner thigh right where his balls are resting. Being a little too close for comfort is a rush.”

I have some issues with this tip aside from the fact that it will likely result in an involuntary knee to your face. It just doesn’t make any goddamn sense. How does one bite the thigh if that’s where the balls are resting? Wouldn’t you just be biting his balls? And if you bite his balls, you are not “a little too close for comfort”, you’re biting his fucking balls! Find me a guy that wants a woman to bite his balls with no warning whatsoever. After reading this one a few times I think I know what they were getting at. You’re not supposed to bite his balls. You are supposed to very, very, gently move his balls away from his leg, maybe even caress the hairy little guys, and then you clamp your teeth on the sensitive skin of his inner thigh.

There is no way this could go horribly, horribly wrong. Men love it when they get unexpected pain to the groin area.

The other issue is, what if some very naive young woman reads this and doesn’t think it through all the way to “oh, I think I should MOVE his balls before biting his thigh!” and just takes a nice big bite of ball sack and inner thigh? Does any man deserve to have his future fertility affected like that? It seems wrong to me.

Fuck it, just stab him.

No, seriously. I know I joked about it in the first entry, but Cosmo is going all the way. Just stab the poor fucker. What have you got to lose? He already thinks you’re completely insane and he’s been talking to your mother about the time you got kicked out of preschool because you were “a biter”. It’s over for you anyway.

“Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs”.

Is anyone else troubled by the fact that they feel the need to tell readers NOT to draw blood during foreplay? It’s also superfluous because if you jab somebody with a fork in bed they will first snatch the fork out of your hand and second wonder why the fuck you have a fork in bed in the first place. Because seriously, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A FORK IN BED IN THE FIRST PLACE?

A cursory search tells me that “Silverware Fetish” is a thing, but it refers to people who collect silverware, not people who use their fork to pork. Prior to this, I would have thought you could find a website for any weird sex thing on the internet, but no, Cosmo has created something that is solely theirs. Something one must be a “Fun, Fearless, Female” to understand.

To sum up my solutions: A five second Google search will lead anyone who is genuinely interested in BDSM to communities full of real people who love to get kinky in this particular way. I can guarantee you that none of the Q&A threads on those websites would suggest you just start beating/biting/stabbing/screaming at your partner without sitting down and talking about your desires, deciding what you want to try, and going into it together. It won’t just lead to a better sex life, it might keep your crazy ass out of jail.