It’s that most heinous and un-American time of year again: Canada Day! Oh how I rue those wily Canucks with their Socialized Health Care system; their brightly coloured (SP!!) money with a portrait of the Queen; their bastardization of Football; their pronunciation of about(it’s: AH-BOW-T damn it! Not A-BOOT!) and most of all, I rue their bi-lingual impositions for the sake of those dastardly Quebecois (hey dummies; you’re not in France anymore)!!

Being the bastion of Red-Blooded-Americanism that I am, I will not translate this article en francais, because I’m American and I’m gonna write and speak American! If you Canucks don’t like it, go throw on a Joni Mitchell (or Guess Who or Rush or The Tragically Hip) record and suck a hockey puck you Commies to the North!

Ah yes, but this god-fearin’, pinko-canuck-hatin,’ American Patriot has some unfortunate connections to our neighbors to the north (I use the term neighbor just like I do at home: get off my land — one warning shot and that’s it). For you see, my step-father was once a resident of Canada having been married to a Canuck back in the 70s (I’ve been told The Great White North doesn’t apply only to Canada’s latitude).

As a kid, I was regaled with tales of his time in Saskatoon and Yellowknife working for Old Vienna Brewery as a chemist — making sure those damned Canucks got their precious beer into their commie livers faster — and in the mines of the Northwest Territories making sure those Commie Canucks got their precious raw materials to make their damned Zambonis to clean the ice for their dreaded pastime called Hockey.

Hell, I even played hockey as a kid growing up in Laramie, Wyoming. I dreamed of being like Gretzky, Messier and Coffey of the Edmonton Oilers dynasty of the 80s. Thankfully Gretzky wised up and got the hell out of that god forsaken commie haven and headed to the good old USA where he made real American money (much of which probably went to support his American wife’s gambling habit — but that’s what American freedom is all about boy!).

Unbeknown to me, my favorite sketch comedy shows, SC-TV and the Kids in the Hall, as well as many of my favorite movies like Strange Brew, were all made by those damned Canucks! My fragile mind was corrupted by their evil propaganda, eh hoser? Oh no — they’ve still got a hold of my mind. Little did I know that so many Canucks were walking among us, infiltrating our way of life and brain-washing innocent children with their unholy anti-American propaganda. Here’s a partial list of some of those infiltrators; but be aware that there are many more still walking among us, so keep an eye out…

Alex Trebek

The greatest threat to American values and freedom….

….Who is Alex Trebek? That’s right!!

That Trebek is a devious one I tell you!!

What the hell’s up with answering a question in the form of a question?? Those Damn Canucks!! It’s a trap. If you ever watch Jeapordy, don’t look directly into the mustache — otherwise you’ll be supporting Universal Health Care and not wanting to jab an icepick into your eardrums when Céline Dion comes on the radio.

William Shatner

Beam me up Scotty… to HELL!

That’s what Shatner wants to do; beam us up to that godless commie nation of his to the North. Shatner’s mind control is so powerful that he’s got full grown red-blooded American Men (and a few women) dressing up in commie outfits and make-up pretending they’re going where no man has gone before.

Shatner is very, very powerful and unavoidable these days. Priceline must be some sort of Canuck front meant to further brainwash us into thinking the Canucks are safe and friendly — it’s a trap!!

Neil Young

Keep on Rockin’ in the Free World? Balderdash!!

Good old Neil (whom Southern men apparently don’t need around anyhow) sings about freedom yet he knows nothing about it as he’s from Canada. All Neil Young wants to do is brainwash you into thinking his commie canuck ways are the path to freedom. I can most certainly guarantee you my fellow Americans that if you play Harvest backwards you’ll hear:Hockey is better than baseball and the CFL is the only real Football; the NFL is for pussies! It’sas clear as day my American friends.

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These are only the tip of the frosty, Commie, Canadian iceberg my friends. Here’s an incomplete list of Canucks that walk among us:

Dan Akroid

James Cameron

Jim Carrey

Michael J. Fox

Brendan Frasier

Avril Lavigne

Alanis Morissette

Keanu Reeves

Martin Short

Kiefer Sutherland

Alan Thicke

…….and many, many, many more.

So I ask of you my fellow Patriotic Americans: on this day of Commie Canucks known as Canada Day, be ever vigilant for the impending Canadian takeover of our culture and our way of life. These Canucks are among us everywhere and blend right in with us Real Americans (as my hero Mrs. Palin would say) who are of the Caucasian persuasion — though it is my hope that we can implant all Canadians with a micro-chip upon entering our beautiful and free nation so we can keep track of all of them and be able to deport them if they attempt to subvert us decent Americans with their Commie, hockey-lovin’ ways. If they speak proper queens english and are able to tell you who led the Smythe Division in penalty minutes in 1978, chances are you’ve got a Canuck in your midst.

We must stop the Canuck menace before it’s too late. Do you want to have to learn French (that cheese-eatin’ surrender monkey language) in Grade 12 — hell, do you want to say I completed my Grade 12 before I went to University? Hell no. I learned how to be a proud American in 4th grade and never went to no college university you damn fancy talkin’ Canucks! — or moved on to 5th grade for that matter, but that’s a story for another day.

On Sunday, do you want to be drinking Molson Ice and getting psyched up to watch the Tigercats and Alouettes (what the hell is an Alouette anyway) on a 100 meter field with only 3 downs? Hell no!!

Do you want free health care and education? Do you want to learn about blue lines and icing? Do you want to use the metric system? Hell NO!! We can’t have this Commie crap in our Country. On this Canada Day, keep an eye out for the Canucks that are infiltrating our land of the free; for the sake of all that is good, decent and American is at stake.

Reader Feedback

8 Responses to “Canucks Run Amuck On Canada Day, EH!”

We, the citizens of Soviet Canuckistan,have our legions of spies in the USA. Canuck hockey players, Jim Carrey, and Justin Bieber are always vigilant of ways to infiltrate and control The playing of the Canuck National anthem helps to indoctrinate with subliminal messages that say, ‘Buy Canadian, eh?’. Yes, it’s just a matter of time before the great Maple Leaf flies over the White House which will be used a s summer residence for federal politicians. (Ontario gets dibs on Michigan and Ohio.) Did you notice that Neil Young was an influential voice during the Vietnam War with such songs as ‘Ohio’? We’re coming…hockey pucks, curling rocks and all….

It seems you have been utterly and thoroughly corrupted by the Great Canuck Menace. Fortunately, I was able to break free of your poisoned influence and see Canada through the uncorrupted lenses of freedom and liberty; which ultimately includes my god-given American right to go bankrupt to get a life saving surgery because the hands of freedom and liberty tell me I don’t deserve health insurance because my below poverty-level paying job at Wal-Mart won’t provide coverage. That is indeed true freedom. Now stop glorifying those Canucks and go watch real American Football and consume until you’re in massive credit card debt and do not pay attention to real and objective news — just watch the good old American mainstream corporate news and everything will be fine as long as you don’t care. Don’t forget to vote Democrat — or Republican — as it doesn’t really matter. American Democracy is far better than the Canuck system as we all know.

As your tainted stepfather, living 10 years off and on in Canada, I fully confess to loving public parks and home gardening and enjoying hockey and watching both Saskatchewan and Ottawa Roughrider teams play in the CFL, until the Ottawa team changed to the more aggressively named Renegades (a typically spineless Canadian knuckle-under to become more like those pushy Americans who can’t stand two teams with the same name; Oh, Canada! when will you cease to self-deprecate on your pristine land!). I fully and subversively subscribe to the benefits of universal health care and to first nation status and resource reform for all indigenous peoples, even those half-blood Metis. The popular self-loathing image of Canada as a flea on the back of elephantine USA leaves those Canadian subversives you named no choice but to recapture the honor of Canada by invading America to the point where you can’t tell a true American from an implanted Canuck, and as much money as possible can be extracted by Canadian artists to send back for the defense of Canada from either the US takeover or the Quebec rebellion. Long live a semi-united Canada from the begrudingly confederated BC republic to the semi-conquered Labradorians and Newfies!! The USA can suck Canada’s snow!!

Yes, the corruption of you dastardly Canucks runs deep within my psyche. I tend to be more of an Eskimos fan considering their kicker/punter Sean Flemming, Canadian Football hall of famer, was the kicker for the powerhouse Wyoming Cowboys of the mid ’80s — Damn It!! You Canucks have done it again.

I just can’t escape your evil influence. Look; I’m squishing your head — there I go again. Better run over to Tim Hortons for a doughnut — d’oh!!!