Tuesday, November 12, 2013

as a rule your closest friends
should always be better writers
smarter chess-players
and more-able
fence climbers
than you

have at least two friends
who are very conservative.
play them off against everyone else
at parties

then each other
then quote both of them
when they're not around
pretending their ideas are yours

none of your friends
should be good at budgeting
or be particularly reliable
with money

none of your friends
should go to the gym
or even look like they do
or if they do
no more than say
three days a week

you can have friends
of the opposite sex
just as long as
you always remember
they are all secretly
working together
to bring down your gender

(motherfuckers)

beyond your friends
avoid anyone else
who says they get bored
or who watched television last night
or who defends television
because you know they're lying
about watching SBS
always

other than with your doctor
accountant, or bike mechanic
you should practice lying to people
constantly and wherever convenient
it is a skill that must be maintained
the ability to lie convincingly is essential
in most emergencies you may face

it's also important that you
have the best taste in music
out of anyone you know

don't try and sing
unless you're a singer
or around a campfire
or drunk
around a campfire
once you are drunk
everyone wants to hear you sing

you should be creeped out
by any of the following:
-people who don't swear
-people who like their bosses
-the idea of amicable breakups

and especially anyone
who professes to have enjoyed
their high-school years

your parents should know
nothing definite about you
so both parties have something
to complain about
at family gatherings

you should never have
their complete approval
at any time
or you're definitely
doing something wrong in life

remember
if you don't have anything nice to say
you're probably excellent to talk to

people without strong opinions
should bother you, strongly

don't waste any time talking at them
it's like trying to punch a balloon
but less fun

having arbitrary favorites of everything
is great, however
it's more important
to identify the bands
films, foods,
and especially people
you utterly hate

you should be able
to talk about this hatred
at length
and without saying
a single thing
rational or reasonable

follow this advice
you'll do okay
as a rule

also
don't use your phone
to write things
while sitting
on the toilet
because your foot will got to sleep.

So yes, once more unto the Sweet, we are back to bring you one of Slam Poetry
living legends BOB HOLMAN﻿. Yessir,
Melbourne-town is lucky enough to catch him passing through Australia and we've
assembled a suitably big-deal local line up.

I'm voltroning together feature readings from EMLIE ZOEY BAKER, ANTHONY WP
O'SULLIVAN. With live music from
PHILEMON, and hosting it myself.

Meanwhile, here's how it is with the rest of the giant robot lions...

BOB HOLMAN

The founder/proprietor of the Bowery Poetry Club in New York, and producer of the award-winning Public Broadcasting System series, THE UNITED STATES OF POETRY. He has published sixteen books of poetry if you include CDs and DVDs (which he does), and is currently working on two Endangered Language Projects: Lost Wor(l)ds: A Poem of Many Tongues, with each line from a different minority/endangered tongue; and “Word Up! Language Matters with Bob Holman,” a 90-minute special on Endangered Languages for PBS.

(if you are not seeing a YouTube window on Mr Holman, then click here)

Published award winning poet and slam champion, Emilie has performed poetry all around the world, and is the winner of the 2010 Berlin International Literature Festival's Slam!Review. She has toured internationally and teaches poetry in both primary and high schools and is co-co-ordinator of Liner Notes a spoken word tribute to a classic album now in its 9th year performed as part of the Melbourne Writers Festival. In 2014 she will be core faculty at Canada's Banff Centre for their annual Spoken Word Program along with her third tour of Canada.

Long time convener of Melbourne legendary Tuesday-night Melbourne poetry reading The Spinning Room A writer, musician, performer, poet
and gig convener who enjoys spreading a little too much of himself and his
personal life across the internet. His family still talks to him but he has
very few friends. He runs the sporadic Bar Stanza readings and spent the early
part of 2013 talking his particular brand of idiotic prattle across Europe, where
he performed at various festivals and clubs to sizeable crowds who seemed
attentive for real cash money and drinks. He occasionally likes himself too
much and often loathes himself a lot.

(if you are not seeing a YouTube window on Mr O'Sullivan, then click here)

Philemon (aka Lia Avene) writes music of average length and usually in E
major. Songs for the abyss, because life
is hard, and even great cavernous black holes need a lullaby from time to
time. She is currently working on
increasing her lung capacity by breathing only every five strokes while swimming.
The result is dizziness and water snorting. Philemon has been hailed as
literally the worst ever bio writer claiming that 'writing your own bio is like
trying to sneak a finger up your own butt without yourself noticing'. An up and coming solo musician, Philemon is
constantly gigging around town and captivating audiences.

Rather than embedding a video of Randall tsk tsk'ing Philemon for not in turn having a better video for him to link to, let's go look at a link leading to samples of Philemon's actual music: