Hot on the heels of the the Homeland’s latest impluse-buy publishing hit, 1776 Things to Love About America, the eXile decided to put in its own 911 cents. Our agents think this things going to sell and sell and sell… but that’s not why we did it. We did it because this is how we as Americans feel deep inside. Take a gander!

***

Ronald Reagan wasn’t successfully assassinated

Baby Boomers who make a big show of worshipping “the Greatest Generation”

All those assassinated Black Panthers

“The price is worth it” — Madeleine Albright on the estimated 500,000 Iraqi children who have died due to UN sanctions

College students who are BUGs (Bisexual Until Graduation)

Yuppies who subscribe to Wine Spectator

“It’s easy to imagine an infinite number of situations where the government might legitimately give out false information,” — U.S. Solicitor-General Theodore Olson, arguing earlier this week before the Supreme Court

60 million born-again Christians

The Bush-41 Administration/bin Laden family investment vehicle The Carlyle Group

The CIA’s assassination of the Guatemalan president in 1954

Sleazy Colorado Congressman Scott McInnis, who is trying to get PETA and ELF listed as terrorist organizations on par with al-Qaeda

Detention of John Seller of the Ruckus Society on $1 million in bail during Republican Party convention in Philadelphia, naming his cell phone “an instrument of crime”

“Americans for Victory Over Terrorism”, a new organization founded by Bill Bennett intended to fight non-existent anti-war sentiment on American campuses

Operation Northwoods, a plan created by Joint Chiefs of Staff in 1962 to provoke war with Cuba by faking acts of terrorism in the US

Middle-aged women with short dyed-blond hair and scarves over their shoulders

“Hoteling”, whereby no cubicle is assigned and employees only get workspace on “as-need” basis, increases surveillance, fear, job insecurity, ulsers

In 1950, half of American firms gave Christmas bonuses; today, 36% do

More people got laid off in 1998, at peak of a boom, than in any of the previous 10 years

Recession Camp, a day camp for unemployed dot-commers in the San Francisco Bay Area who do things like hike and go to movies

The number of overweight children quadrupled between 1974 and 1999

El-Salvador-atrocity-cover-up-artist-turned-Kosovo-atrocity-counterfeiter William Walker

Liberals who backed the Kosovo War as an alleged humanitarian war (Susan Sontag, Gary Trudeau, etc.)

Hippies

The Anti-Defamation League’s surveillance of American citizens, in combination with rogue policemen, which resulted in Ames getting listed in an illegal “Pinko” file

Rosy Grier’s failure to protect Bobby Kennedy

Weepy white lefties who fail to bust raghead-poster-boy Edward Said for writing, in the last edition of Covering Islam that came out before 9/11, “speculations about the latest conspiracy to blow up buildings, sabotage commercial airliners and poison water supplies [

is based on

] highly exaggerated stereotyping”

Log Cabin Republicans

Soccer moms

White guys with dreadlocks

Seminars that teach corporate pride and attitude improvement

The democratization of golf culture

Self-described “centrists”

Work hours today longer and more stressful than at any point in the 20th century, forcing the whole world to adapt (no more siestas, etc.)

Less vacation time for workers than any other First World country

Corporate culture of fear and stress

Between 1988 and 1998, income for the upper 5% increased by $50,760, while the nation’s middle 20% income increased $780

White-collar males average hourly wage in 1997 was $19.24, only six cents more, in constant dollars, than in 1973

Average CEO compensation rocketed 71 percent from 1992 to 1997

CEO compensation for large corporations rose from $1.8 million in 1990 to $10.6 million 1998, a 490% increase

Entry-level wages for male college graduates declined 6.5% between 1989 and 1997

Entry-level wages for female college grads declined 7.4% in same period

Entry-level wages for female college grads 75 cents per hour less than same grads in 1973, adjusted for inflation

Unmarried men and women between ages of 18-29 real income declined 11% between 1973 and 1998

45 million Americans laid off in 1980s, 1990s

Of the 6-1/2 million laid off between 1995-7, 40 percent earned less once they were re-employed

Of those who earned less, one in every four were paid at least 20 percent less by their new employers

By 1995, one in every four full-time employees at large companies uninsured

Temp employment quadrupled from 1986 to 1996

Al Dunlap, Jack Welch, and other vampiric CEOs who made hundreds of millions of dollars for themselves by firing employees and slashing benefits, changing corporate culture across the globe

In 1978, CEOs of major US corporations got 30 times the pay of their average workers; in 1995, this grew to 115 times

CEOs of top 365 corporations who laid off at least 1000 employees in the first half of 2000 received on average $23.7 million compensation, as compared to average of $13.1 million compensation for all 365 CEOs

The Economic Policy Institute estimates that the average American business leader today only has to work half a week to bring home as much as his typical employee’s annual wage

Gated retirement communities

Black people who talk like white people

55% of Generation Xers would, if given $50,000 today, invest it

7% would go on a vacation

Edgy Gen-X humor

Mass prescribing of behavior drugs for children

One in six American children lives in poverty, same rate as 1979

Drug testing for employees

Mega Mansions

Companies don’t have to report perks if their value is less than 10% of an executive’s pay

Grim lives of educated Americans in twenties and thirties slaving away for 60 hours a week at jobs they hate in order to make partner or retire at 50 with stock options

CDs cost 18 bucks

Inspirational speaking appearances in front of boards of directors by Pat Riley

Condoleeza Rice’s stated desire to be NFL commissioner

George Mitchell’s stated desire to become MLB commissioner

George Will writing about baseball

Bono and George Bush on stage together

Poor people kept off television

Practical uselessness of a liberal arts education

Drug users like Clinton and Bush pushing tougher drug sentences

Garth Brooks and Bryan Adams among greatest selling artists of all time

Million-dollar pitchers who wait until April to get their rotator cuffs operated on

Balls thrown into triple coverage

Tolls

Three-month waits for physical exams

Acid rain

Nuclear waste

Rollback of Superfund

Every time a cougar kills some tourist, they hunt down the cougar

Every time a Grizzly bear kills some tourist, they hunt down the Grizzly bear

Hot, blonde Mormon girls refuse to put out

Web browser defaults in US Embassy internet labs set on cnn.com

Soccer team lost to Iran in 1998 World Cup

The US fields a soccer team

The pseudo-conflict between Fox News and CNN

David Stern’s behind-the-scenes manipulation of trades and the NBA draft

Too stringent age-of-consent laws in most states

Tom Clancy as a post-9/11 analyst on news and politics programs

Mandatory Pledge of Allegiance recitation in schools

By threatening to withhold $50 million in aid and $1 billion overall, the US Government pressured Yugoslavian government to turn over Milosevic to the Hague instead of letting him be tried in Yugoslavia

Absence of a “gypsy cab” system

Michael Jordan’s return to play for the Wizards

The Bullets’ changing their name to the “Wizards”

Politically Incorrect considered “controversial”

Sexual harassment in the workplace results in job loss

8,893 km border with Canada (including Alaska)

NBC Dateline

www.msn.com

Jostens’ monopoly on the graduation paraphernalia market

16 year-old girls allowed to drive

“Take Back the Night” rallies at US colleges

In-airport massage tables not equipped with guillotine function

The Greek system

The disturbing rise of CNN analyst Tucker Carlson

Won’t let Robert Downey, Jr. get high in peace

Andrea Dworkin

Ironic t-shirts

Political t-shirts

Ragheads killed in Afghanistan, equipped with guns in Yugoslavia

John Grisham’s young, inexperienced lawyer protagonists who take on the big boys, even though know they don’t have a chance in hell of winning, but goddamn it, they’re going to fight!

Thomas Nolle’s wife

Newsweek

Direct-Marketing companies

The WNBA

Applebee’s

SUVs

Vegans

The Portland Trailblazers

High school kids forced to sign behavior contract (no drugs, no smoking, no alcohol) in order to take part in extracurricular activities

Sports columnists for nationally distributed publications who talk at length about their favorite Starbucks beverages and their undying love for U2

No respect or support for genius filmmaker David Lynch

Poor white trash Republicans

A glossy mag for every pointless “lifestyle” you can possibly think of

Houston, Texas

Houston’s hideous beach-resort-suburb of Galveston

90+% humidity every summer day on the east coast

Enron Field

3Com Park at Candlestick Point

Taxpayer-funded Smithsonian Museum negotiating with GM to sell naming rights to new “hall of transportation” for $10 million and replacing former Air and Space Museum food vendor with McDonald’s, thanks to Smithsonian Secretary Lawrence Small, a former Citibank executive

Corporate curriculum materials in public schools, such as math textbooks featuring Disney characters

Courtney Love opposing Nirvana’s surviving members to block the release of a comprehensive CD box set of the band’s material

“Humorous” e-mail forwards from people who never send real letters, electronic or otherwise

Government-funded anti-drug internet sites encouraging teens to extort digital cameras and other expensive gifts they don’t need in exchange for not doing drugs

Civil War chess sets

Budget-priced SUV marketed at the non-rich that flip over or otherwise kill their riders after minor collisions

Billionaire space tourists who’ve had way too much plastic surgery

Spineless assholes with tenure

Attachment of the suffix “-gate” to every political scandal, no matter how insignificant

“John Dolan’s inability to get tenured at an American university”
“Spineless assholes with tenure”

i’m sensing a pattern here…

4.
wengler | September 13th, 2009 at 4:55 pm

Hey I like Wendy’s burgers AND the US men’s soccer team.

5.
internal exile | September 14th, 2009 at 1:01 am

Hey, I’m really grateful for the Gideon society. Have you ever run out of toilet paper in a motel room? Bible pages are nice and thin and crumple easily.

6.
Bardamu | September 14th, 2009 at 3:15 am

Whenever I find a Gideon’s Bible in a hotel room I carefully wipe my shitter on the pages without removing them.

I have a penchant for bemerding the Second Book of Kings, wherein Elisha summons the bears to maul the children who have called him ‘baldy’.

Render unto the Lord…

7.
Reasonable | September 14th, 2009 at 5:13 am

I’d like a civil war chess set…however, to be true to history, the blue side should get 44 knights and 8 queens and the greys get 3 pawns and a 4 pawns and the next 20 US presidents

8.
KludgeHopper | September 14th, 2009 at 8:48 am

912: the 9/12 movement.

9.
captain america | September 15th, 2009 at 8:08 pm

“Necessity of convincing woman on first date that you are not a serial killer”…lol.

it’s funny because it’s true.

10.
Hermies Purrbuckets | September 16th, 2009 at 10:15 am

What? Only 911 reasons to hate history’s most evil empire? Why, there are at least 304,059,724 of ’em! HP

11.
ray | September 17th, 2009 at 7:10 am

912 Long lists that repeat entries.

12.
nut POV | September 17th, 2009 at 9:50 am

how about

TV anti-drug adds from groups that turn out to be Scientology fronts.

13.
Heron Ranger | September 17th, 2009 at 9:04 pm

I strongly agree with this classic list. The Exile always exposes the mediocracy that plagues America on all levels. I pretty much loathe all the scum,things,people and ideas on this list. Worthy of my hate indeed. However, there are some I disagree with.

Why The Sopranos and not Six Feet Under? The latter is by far the worse show.

This leads to a couple of additional entries:

Any role with Lili Taylor after Mystic Pizza.
Any role with Julia Roberts after Mystic Pizza.

16.
Linwood D. E. | September 26th, 2009 at 9:13 pm

This is a good list. Especially the one about the assasinated Black Panthers. I can’t believe there are no assassinated KKK or Neo Nazi, then again it is America.

You omitted Abercrombie and Fitch, and Hollister.

17.
Linwood D. E. | September 26th, 2009 at 9:48 pm

This list so good, I had to look at it a third time.

The Washington Redskins and Cleveland Indians are two of the most racist names in sport.
Black people would be offended if a NFL team was named the Georgia Niggas and whites would be offended if it was called Alabama Honkies or Crackers.

North Face clothing is a great one.

One I wish was on this list is people who wear pajamas on the plane as if it was cool.

The South’s obsession with the Confederacy is another great one. You lost, GET OVER IT!!!

18.
Pavel | October 28th, 2009 at 2:58 pm

I love the list…Oh sweet Satan, I didn’t realize there are so many to hate what ‘America stands for’ I’d just like to add:

1)Glenn Beck,
2)the fact that Glenn Beck is still alive
3)the fact that America defends the Russian billionaire Boris Berezovsky after everything he has ‘achieved’in Russia.
4)My personal favorite: America’s love for its Constitution, you know that 250 yr old document which should not really apply to the constantly changing society (well societies meant to change over the years, I hope the US did too)…

19.
Boris Nemtsov | November 11th, 2009 at 1:17 pm

Read this back when studying at Moscow International. Russian profs didn’t understand why I was laughing so much.

20.
boson | February 14th, 2011 at 2:21 pm

CREATIONISTS!!!

21.
Gary Herndon | December 8th, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Professional wrestling should not be on this list. Pro-wrasslin’ is one of America’s greatest contributions to world culture, universally beloved in Japan, Mexico, and…well the Japanese and Mexicans sure love it. Go on youtube and watch one of Ric Flair’s promos or matches from the 80s and then tell me that that man is not more talented than Tolstoy, Shakespeare, Mozart, and Michaelangelo combined!

Leave a Comment

(Open to all. Comments can and will be censored at whim and without warning.)

Listen to the Radio War Nerd podcast [subscribe here] with guest Gunnar Hrafn Jonsson of Iceland Public Radio on the massacre in Orlando and how online Islamic State jihadis are dealing with battlefield defeats and the shrinking caliphate. Subscribe to Radio War Nerd through the show’s Patreon page.

The political establishment’s racist, authoritarian reaction to the 1992 LA riots—blaming broken black families, massing cops and troops, and Ron Paul’s advice to his family on how to kill black “animals” and get away with it…