Latest Tips for Surviving Workplace Assholes

I talk a lot here about the methods for enduring and triumphing against abusive bosses and co-workers. Some of these tips come from your comments and e-mails, some from the No Asshole Rule, and some from academic research. I update this list every few months, so please keep your suggestions coming!

Before I get to the rest of the tips, one is in a class by itself:

THE BIGGEST AND BEST LESSON: ESCAPE IF YOU POSSIBLY CAN. The best thing to do if you are stuck under thumb of an asshole (or a bunch of them) is to get out as fast as you can. You are at great risk of suffering personal damage and of turning into as asshole yourself. Acting like a jerk isn’t just something that a few twisted people are born with; it is a contagious disease. But escape isn’t always possible; as one woman wrote me, “I have to feed my family and pay my mortgage, and there aren’t a lot of jobs that pay well enough to do that around here.”

So here are my top tips for coping with workplace assholes that you can’t escape (at least for now):

1. Start with polite confrontation. Some people really don’t mean to be assholes. They might be surprised if you gently let them know that they are leaving you feeling belittled and demeaned. Other assholes are demeaning on purpose, but may stop if you stand-up to them in a civil, but, firm manner. An office worker wrote me that her boss was “a major asshole” (he was a former army major, who was infamous for his nastiness). She found that “the major” left her alone after she gave him “a hard stare” and told him his behavior was “absolutely unacceptable and I simply won’t tolerate it.” This is also pretty much what Ron Reagan (the late president’s son) told me on his radio show about how he dealt with assholes, as did a fashion model who described a constructive way to confront an asshole

2. If a bully keeps spewing venom at you, limit your contact with the creep as much as possible. Try to avoid any meetings you can with the jerk. Do telephone meetings if possible. Keep conversations as short as possible. Be polite but don’t provide a lot of personal information during meetings of any kind, including email exchanges. If the creep says or writes something nasty, try to avoid snapping back; it can fuel a vicious circle of asshole poisoning. Don’t sit down during meetings if you can avoid it. Recent research suggests that stand-up meetings are just as effective sit-down meetings, but are shorter; so try to meet places without chairs and avoid sitting down during meetings with assholes whenever possible – it limits your exposure to their abuse.

3. Find ways to enjoy “small wins” over assholes. If you can’t reform or expel the bully, find small ways to gain control and to fight back -– it will make you feel powerful and just might convince the bully to leave you and others alone. Exhibit one here is the radio producer who told me that she felt oppressed because her boss was constantly stealing her food –- right off her desk. So she made some candy out of EX-Lax, the chocolate flavored laxative, and left it on her desk. As usual, he ate them without permission. When she told this thief what was in the candy, “he was not happy.”

4. Practice indifference and emotional detachment– learn how not to let an asshole touch your soul. Management gurus and executives are constantly ranting about the importance of commitment, passion, and giving all you have to a job. That is good advice when your bosses and peers treat you with dignity. But if you work with people who treat you like dirt, they have not earned your passion and commitment. Practice going through the motions without really caring. Don’t let their vicious words and deeds touch your soul: Learn to be comfortably numb until the day comes when you find a workplace that deserves your passion and full commitment.

5. Keep an asshole diary -- carefully document what the jerk does and when it happens. Carefully document what the jerk does and when it happens. A government employee wrote me a detailed email about how she used a diary to get rid of a nasty, racist co-worker ‘I documented the many harmful things she did with dates and times.....basically I kept an "Asshole Journal." I encouraged her other victims to do so too and these written and signed statements were presented to our supervisor. Our supervisors knew this worker was an asshole but didn't really seem to be doing anything to stop her harmful behaviors until they received these statements. The asshole went on a mysterious leave that no supervisor was permitted to discuss and she never returned.’ Similarly, a salesman wrote me that he had been the top performer in his group until he got leukemia, but his performance slowed during chemotherapy. His supervisor called him every day to yell at him about how incompetent he was, and then doubled this sick salesperson’s quota. The salesman eventually quit and found a better workplace, but apparently because he documented the abuse, his boss was demoted. (P.S. This is one my favorite "asshole boss" images. It is from BNET's article on Bosses: A Field Guide. This is "The Dictator," check him and the rest of his friends out).

6. Recruit Fellow Victims and Witnesses. As the government employee shows us, an especially effective tactic is to recruit colleagues who are fellow victims of an abusive boss, coworker, or workplace to help support your case. It is far more difficult for management – or a judge – to dismiss a complaint from a group of victims than a single victim. The power of this tactic is confirmed by in-depth case studies by Pamela Lutgen-Sandvik, an Assistant Professor at The University of New Mexico. Her analysis of how victims of bullying fought back, and what methods are most likely to succeed, suggests that people who work in concert with others to battle back experience less distress, are more likely to keep their own jobs and are more likely to force bullies out.

In addition, finding witnesses who are willing to back your version of the events, and to provide you with emotional support, is important for strengthening your case against workplace assholes -- and for bolstering your spirits as well.

7. Take legal action if you must, but do so as a last resort. There is a growing legal movement against bullying in the workplace, and employment lawyers keep telling me that it will get easier to collect damages against “equal opportunity assholes,” not just against racist and sexist jerks. Documentation is essential if you are considering making a legal claim. And certainly there are plenty of asshole bosses and employers that deserve to be slapped with massive fines. BUT if you are suffering workplace abuse, the best thing for YOU might be to get out before you suffer much, if any, damage. I had a long conversation with two smart lawyers about this recently, and they pointed out an unfortunate fact of life that every person with an asshole boss needs to understand: The more you lose – - the deeper your depression, your anxiety, and your financial losses, and the more physical ailments you suffer –- the better your legal case against the asshole boss or company. So the more you suffer, the more money you can get. The implication for me is, if you possibly can, why not get out before you suffer horrible damages in the first place?

There are no instant cures and easy answers for people who are trapped in nasty workplaces. But I hope my little list of tips can help those of who are struggling to fight back against an asshole boss. And please write me at robert.sutton@stanford.edu to let me know what you think of these tips, and especially, if you have more tips for battling back – and winning -- against workplace assholes.

Here is a new one that I am thinking about adding to the list: Laugh at the asshole's insults and forward his or nasty emails to the boss -- the idea here is that if you treat the asshole's nasty actions as something that doesn't deserve serious treatment and laugh it off, it does less harm and provides a basis for bringing the group of victims together to battle back. And in this case, they also forwarded the nasty emails to the asshole's boss. To me, this is another variation of two important themes: 1.To the extent that you can find allies to fight back against an asshole, you have more power and more emotional support; and 2. Documenting the assholes actions is a huge help as that way you can use the bullies own actions and words as ammunition.

Comments

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Thanks for the amazing post, and these are all great tips to live by. Because I've had my fair share of employees that were less than pleasurable, but thanks to you and http://www.hesl.ca it's been a lot easier to avoid confrontation.

I got a copy of the No Asshole Rule and left it at work - in a 'private' cupboard that I knew people snooped in... it didn't help directly but made me feel better! But the whole thing of trusting your instincts and GETTING OUT is SO SO SO important. I worked at a job for an extra four years after I realized the whole place was toxic. I stayed on past when the main boss left, but the toxicity had already infected *my* brand, so it was an uphill battle with the next boss. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE.

The best tip and the hardest to follow is #1: Get out. And getting out really is your only option if your boss is the asshole in question, because someone (probably his/her boss) is supporting and possibly nurturing the behavior. And that means the culture of the organization is against you.

This is the most difficult in your list of great tips because we associate leaving with failure. ("I should have been able to triumph over the cruel, dehumanizing way I was treated!") And we also know that the buck stops with us when it comes to paying the bills.

But there's an inevitability about bullying that is sobering. Statistics tell us that once you've become the target of an asshole (especially a powerful one), there's a 66% chance that you'll be out of a job sooner rather than later.

And the benefits of getting out with your health and sanity intact can't be minimized. An article published last year in the journal Occupational and Environmental Medicine came to the unexpected conclusion that some jobs are so demoralizing that they're worse for a person's mental health than no job at all. If you're working for an asshole, that pretty much defines the state of your existence.

Thank you for the important work you do on this often overlooked and all too pervasive problem in organizations of all shapes and sizes.

I share an office with one of our department's acknowledged assholes. He's survived two re-orgs and is now suddenly being sent to training for an area that he doesn't appear have the personal skills to succeed. Part of me is happy that he's getting the training as it means that he'll assigned to another area but then again, his bad behavior is being rewarded, frustrating. I picked up your book on a whim but found it to be a good read. I'm already doing the ignore thing with my co-worker, my iPod and headphones have been a sanity saver, but have picked up a lot of other ideas that I'll implement as well.

Hey Bob, you asshole. steve Jobs is a real asshole but Apple is booming. Many workplace assholes are the result of being forced to work with lazy, you shuts like you who think running a corporate social club is more important than getting the job done.

Here is my problem. I am actually one of these assholes that you are talking about. Owner of a small business. Frustrated day in, day out with staff that keeps repeating mistakes, ignoring directives and refusing to take responsibility.

I started off as a nice guy, until I saw my company going down the drain because of apathy and lack of professionalism.

You might argue that I am not a good motivator, I am a bad boss. However since I started becoming more of an asshole, telling people off in no uncertain terms and exposing their mistakes for all to see, work has picked up and everything is running much better.

I do not want to be a feared asshole employer, nor enjoy making people feel bad. I want to be liked in my office and not avoided. Is this possible?

This is for all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the asshole.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 925-6594.

Then, one day this old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.

Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole; there sure are a lot of assholes in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 925-6594 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."

I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 7705 87th Ave NE. It's a white house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Mike Beaudin."

"When's a good time to catch you, Mike?"

"I'm home in the late evenings."

"Listen Mike, can I tell you something?"

"Yes."

"Mike, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Mike Beaudin's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 7705 87th Ave NE and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down 87th Ave.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 87th Ave to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you want to watch two Assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, ...

This past Thursday, September 24, Tracy serviced XX. I waited for him back at ops to give me the service ticket, eventually left for the XX XX - part of this you may recall as you was in the XX lobby Mike. I ran into Tracy on way up to North XX in the XX side service drive. When I asked him for the service ticket, he told me he left the ticket at the XX XX with David.
Was quite a bit of effort to find it, I asked David, Bob - who later said the service ticket was not located, Barb and the XX mechanic - both of which meet me as I pulled to XX, and Loftis and none knew anything about it, eventually asked Nirva who had it. Barb said she asked Nirva who told her he did not have it but when I asked him, he gave it to me! Content with its location resolved, I did not think anything more about it at the time. Tracy could have left the ticket in the truck book in the truck Nirva was in and he found it as he was servicing XX.
Now, the reason I was compelled to write this email is the fact that today (September 27) I asked Tracy next time he services XX to just bring the service XX ticket back to XX to avoid such confusion. He told me he gave it to me in the XX parking lot as we were passing each other on Thursday! You see my confusion. I do not know what to think about the whole thing, but I sure do not want to go though that event again.
So, why did Tracy lie to me about the XX service ticket? I have no idea. Maybe he tried to tear me down in order to feel good about himself. Maybe he is not thrilled about servicing XX. Maybe he thought this would be a good time to get me in trouble in some way.
Regardless, though, I am disappointed in him for lying to me. Good triumphs and liars have to go home and live with themselves.

---------------------------------

Above email i want to send to my managers, any thoughts? The XX block out parts that can id my employer and i wish to keep this post confidential. Person in email Tracy is a well know a-hole. Thanks for your time.

Sweet justice... I've waited a long time for this day, had lost all hope of it ever coming. It just goes to show that good things really do come to those who wait, at least sometimes. My company just FIRED one of the most toxic, lazy, ignorant, incompetent, arrogant, whiny, dishonest, thoughtless, manipulative, neurotic, two-faced, puerile, self-pitying, and all-round tiresome losers I've ever worked with -- ultimate FAIL on his part! As a result, the company has earned big points in my estimation. Good work guys! You've made it worthwhile to come to work again. Thank you thank you thank you!

im counting down the days till i get out of this town and my job. i feel like i cant really talk to my boss about the asshole situation that it seems that i am the only target. my boss dates the head asshole and the lesser ones have been there way longer than myself.not only do they put me under a magnifying glass, but they have burned a pair of my shoes, and banished me from the kitchen area when they are cooking on my shift.

He never stops and he does the same shit to the assistant manger.He's been called in many times to the office because of his behavior and I'm sick of his ass.Trust me there are many things that I'd like to say but I'll end up getting into trouble.

I have a feeling if he really does it in it's gonna get really bad more then normal.

Having to work with or for assholes
in the workplace can certainly be a difficult and depressing experience.

In the modern day corporate environment, more and more emphasis is placed on managers being leaders who should lead (NOT dictate work terms) in a positive, empowering and nurturing environment.

Yet there are still types of old school practitioners who just run (notice the word "manage" was not used here) their departments in draconian, disempowering and creativity-choking ways.

Perhaps 2 lessons of value can still be gained from the experience of having worked with an asshole:

1) Never be an asshole yourself.
2) When you have future coworkers and even subordinates, you should perhaps be on the lookout for subordinates who are assholes toward their subordinates. It can make you lose valuable people, choke creativity and negatively impact your organization.

The number of assholes in our tiny workplace is disproportionately high. One of these has the emotional development of an angry, messed-up 13-year-old. Her sense of humor and general conversation is meant to be shocking, but she's not sophisticated enough to be provocative, she only manages to be vulgar -- just a big-mouthed, small-minded skank from a small town. She is not happy unless she has someone to hate or look down on because she's so competitive and insecure. Her loyalty changes from day to day and you never know where you're going to stand from one moment to the next. She thinks that the way to get people to like her more is to get them to like each other less, so she is constantly bitching about people to each other, telling them things that are meant to manipulate them and make them distrust each other. Luckily for the rest of us, she is not that good at it and every new victim sees right through it all eventually. People keep backing off from her, but she doesn't seem to get it that they don't like or trust HER and her deranged personality. We are all tired of it and can't wait for the day when she leaves or gets laid off -- which may happen very, very soon, thank goodness.

The number of assholes in our tiny workplace is disproportionately high. One of these has the emotional development of an angry, messed-up 13-year-old. Her sense of humor and general conversation is meant to be shocking, but she's not sophisticated enough to be provocative, she only manages to be vulgar -- just a big-mouthed, small-minded skank from a small town. She is not happy unless she has someone to hate or look down on because she's so competitive and insecure. Her loyalty changes from day to day and you never know where you're going to stand from one moment to the next. She thinks that the way to get people to like her more is to get them to like each other less, so she is constantly bitching about people to each other, telling them things that are meant to manipulate them and make them distrust each other. Luckily for the rest of us, she is not that good at it and every new victim sees right through it all eventually. People keep backing off from her, but she doesn't seem to get it that they don't like or trust HER and her deranged personality. We are all tired of it and can't wait for the day when she leaves or gets laid off -- which may happen very, very soon, thank goodness.

I believe it's not necessary to even speak to someone who has been nasty to me at work for no reason. So I just don't. I avoid these people completely. I will even leave a room when they are in there talking to someone else. If they're in an office by themselves, I won't even go in there. This has gone on for years. The hardest thing is to keep myself from feeling like a total loser because I work with such awful people. I'm thinking about getting another job entirely, in an almost completely different line of work too. If only I had something great to run TO, instead of something awful to have to run FROM. I'm ashamed of working here because these assholes work here too. I don't want anything to DO with such people.

Your book really helped me. Was a post-doctoral fellow in basic science research at a "prestigious" medical school (a "learning" institution) in New England. The boss was verbally abusive, combative, and ranted me personally. Constant yelling, harassment, personal insults from her. It was unrelentling since she was a baby boomer and addicted to work--constantly in the lab. She had issues as she stated with men, and that women she stated were "moody", "you know how we are," ; so we kept logs (10 pages) of every incident (time, date, witnesses, occurence) including preventing a worker with a severely infected thumb from virulent S. aureus from taking a day off (directly related to her work demands), she used foul languge, and used and abused the immigrants and American post-docs for her self grandisement. Eventually, we all reported her (logs and all) to the CEO, CFO, the ombudsman, HR, etc.... to no avail b/c she was bringing in grant monies, all they could do perhaps "was to smooth her corners"??!!?--the best remedy was to leave--let her enjoy the lab mice, the chemicals, the yelling, the constant harassment, computer BS, and the baby boomer workaholic mentality. we are far better off LEAVING, yet the scars from her are very real--since many companies and academic institutions do VERY little if any to FIRE these a-holes. Why is that--is verbal abuse acceptable/proctected in the USA workplace? Do employees in USA have ANY rights? Why is the EDD useless in this regard?

Assholes are like cockroaches. If you shine a light on them, they run for cover. At our workplace, we're starting to insist on more transparency, less backroom chatter, and an end to the secrecy that allows our resident asshole to carry on his antics. We share information with each other, refuse to let him trap us into private discussions of our coworkers, and generally don't give him permission to manipulate us. It's driving him nuts! He's run out of allies (who were never very willing to begin with), and he doesn't know what to do next. I'm kind of hoping he drops dead of a heart attack from frustration. I'll be the one stepping over his dead body on my way to the lunchroom. Good luck everybody. Keep up the good fight!