Saturday, August 22, 2009

I'm ovulating - possibly as I type! I got a strong positive OPK yesterday and another today so today/night is O night.

What that means is that my body has behaved impeccably - I'm on CD17 and I'm 13 days away from the negative beta - so am ovulating exactly when I hoped I would!!! Hooray for small mercies.

Fiji - here I come sans injectable drugs and customs problems. If my luteal phase stays the same (which I've heard they do) my period will be due on the day we get back.

So is it possible for me to get pregnant this cycle? I wonder. (Before we started IVF, every month was a possibility but once we started I gave up on un-aided conception.) What a blast that would be! Not holding my breath and not behaving terribly well either - I had alcomohol a couple of times over the last weeks and I even *gasp* had some coffee. And I am planning on drinking exotically coloured cocktails during happy hour whilst in Fiji. Is this what is done in a 'cycle off'? Or should I be pretending we have more than a bee's dick of a chance at conception and doing the whole body-as-temple thing. Gah!

On the study front, I have been dumping data out of the EEG program and though it is an enormously boring and tedious task, I am pleased with the progress (having made so little for so long). 50 done so far, 130 to go. Only a couple more days work and my supervisor and I will be very happy with me.

And that is a nice feeling. I've been a happy camper for at least a week now, what a relief. I hate feeling depressed and miserable and living like my bed is the only good place in the world. Oh the ups and the downs. They are woolly.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Who would have thought that the ironic aspects of TTC using assisted conception were so rampant. First I got put on birth control to start the last cycle and now I don't want to ovulate so I can do the next cycle.

It's bizzaro-world over here. So far so good though, I'm on either CD14 or CD11. (14 days since I started bleeding last, 11 days since I had a negative beta.) My OPKs are only just showing a hint of a second line so I won't be ovulating until at least the end of the week. Thank goodness.

In my perfect plan, I will ovulate this Saturday and that will make my period due on the 5th of September. Now because this is my perfect plan I would then give the Big Guy a positive HPT on September 7th (Father's Day here in Australia). Wouldn't that be shweet.

Alternate almost-perfect plan is that I get my period on the 5th and we start the antagonist cycle on the 7th. In Australia. 'Cause I really don't want to be toting Gonal-F to Fiji. I've been imagining cooler bags and confiscated needles and helpful air hostesses and paperwork and customs nightmares.

Do I do anything else today? I organised a cake stall, worked some money-work and I got grumpy in a team meeting discussing data coding for the thesis. I did not notice anything funny or quirky, I had no strange revelations nor profound thoughts. I just was. And that was ok.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I'm supposed to be doing my Honours project this year. But between the death of my beloved Grampies and the heartbreak and hormonal flux of infertility and treatments for same I have not been doing much.

All my data is collected and I have a half a lit review but on the 29th of July I saw that I could still withdraw from the project (until the 3rd of August) without a fail on my record and I brightened. My supervisor didn't think that was a good idea though, she thought it would be better if I applied for an extension and so I let the 3rd go by without withdrawing and today I had a meeting with my supervisor (who is one of the most beautiful people I know) and the honours coordinator (also a beautiful person). And they were so kind to me and understanding and supportive while I was nervous and anxiety-sick and crying. My supervisor knows everything that's happened so far and the meeting was to present my case to the coordinator. So I spent the morning relating the awfulness that this year has been. And I felt like complete crap doing so and have spent the rest of the day fighting back tears and feeling generally shite. I've spent as much time as possible in bed since last Friday. Sleeping and hiding and hurting.

Over the past 8 years lots of shit has gone down in my life and through it all I've managed to stay on track with my studies. I have had a baby, a crazy relationship, moved house 5 times, disentangled from my crazy ex and done the consent orders thing with him, met my DH, gotten married and blended our families and survived it all. Survived while getting an A average in a Behavioural Neuroscience degree and making it into psychology honours.

But this year, with the grief and the conception problems, I have not managed. And for me that feels dreadful. I thought I would be ok, I thought I could manage it all. But I haven't and I'm not and I don't even want to -> motivation = 0. I am a slug slowly oozing through the mess of life with as little effort as possible and leaving a big slimy trail of tears and snot behind me. So I have been granted an extension and I now need to document the mess and try to plan out a timetable of milestones to show that I can actually finish the project. Blerck. I don't even want to do that.

And I am feeling weird about discussing my pain.

There are distinctly different types of trying to conceive grief and that they ought not be confused or thought to be at all comparative. I frequent an assisted conception area on the internet and there's a 'comparing griefs' vibe there sometimes. I want to write down my thoughts on this - my thoughts as a person who has had a child but is facing the prospect of not having a child with my husband (in no particular order).

1. BFN-grief ... All of us get this grief, it's the generic one-size-fits-all sadness that strikes us down with every sad peestick and every drop of blood that ought not be. This is a particularly sucky painfully acute grief that strikes sharply and then dissipates as the hope of the next cycle takes hold. Because we all get hopeful in our heart-of-hearts. Even the cynics.

2. I-may-not-ever-have-a-child-grief ... This grief belongs only to those who have never had a child and are scared about it never happening. It's huge and terrible and encompasses more than feelings about children, it swallows up feelings about living and leaving things behind and passing things on and traditions broken. It's a chronic, relentless grief and is only assuaged by parenthood.

3. I-may-not-have-a-child-with-this man/woman ... This is a unique grief for those of us who have had a child with one partner but are having problems TTCing with a current partner. This is a totally different pain than the other two. And it deserves a special mention within the bounds of secondary infertility.

4. Dead-baby-grief ... the pain of due-dates that ought to be but weren't, of dirth dates, of conception dates, of discovered-misses. Never assuaged, hole-in-the heart grief.

5. Our-family-isn't-finished grief ... this is the grief you get when you've had a child or children but it feels like someone is missing from your family. Someone who is definitely supposed to be there. This grief is tangible; it's the echo that the child-to-come leaves in your house following the others around. It's the stored baby clothes and cot, it's the maternity-wear all boxed up but stored for next time. This grief has it's own place and it is painful, just like the rest. And the children one does have don't make up for this grief - just like when your Dad dies, still having your Mum doesn't make the losing-Dad-pain any better.

These griefs are not the same and cannot be compared. They are completely different and ALL are grief. They should not be mistaken for each other and none of them ought to be dismissed. I see too much dismissing and too much competition. And that makes me sad.

Number 3 and number 5 are my griefs now. I have a child but not with the Big Guy. The child I have is fathered by someone I do not respect and do not really like very much. I fell pregnant because I was confused about where I was in my irregular cycle and I kept the Little Guy on board because abortion is not for me. I love the Little Guy completely and would be totally broken-hearted, torn at the seams without him. But now I find myself ensconced in a beautiful relationship with the man of my dreams. Our marriage is strong and healthy, I adore and respect this man and I deeply wish to have his baby. I want so much to have a child and stay with it's father. I want to experience a child with a man who actively wants one with me and who will be an active father. I want our child. And our child hasn't come yet and may not come at all, which kills me.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Actually I'm singing "I'm bleeding" to this tune. But it goes all wrong once I get to the next words "over you". 'Cause I'm just bleeding all over me.

Not so much of the crying today anyway. No bad dreams last night - actually quite a nice dream for me. I got kissed; magically, beautifully kissed by a young man whilst sitting at a table next to the Big Guy and some other random stranger. The Big Guy was not disturbed by this kiss in my dream and neither was I - though I knew I could not do it again and spent the rest of the dream avoiding the young man and, weirdly, showering in a scuba store.

Anyway, for the first time in a few weeks I woke up undisturbed by nightmares and that has made my day rather good. Despite the bleeding. I knew that it was coming and I don't even want to go for a repeat blood test tomorrow - do I have to? My tears dried last night on my pillow and I resolved to cry no more.

I wrote this to a friend and I'm copying it here to remind myself next month:"I would have to say that the thing I did wrong was to try to squash my hope, that made me more miserable and less happy than I could have been. I didn't want to be hopeful in a thwarted attempt to be less disappointed if it all went pear-shaped. That was very stressful and I felt completely miserable. In the end I did get hopeful and (surprisingly) I'm ok with the pear-shapedness of this BFN. I'm disappointed and I cried and I'm sad but I'm ok IYKWIM. So I would advise letting go as much as you can (and having BTDT I know how hard that is). Take deep breaths every time you start to think too much and distract yourself from the circular nature of the thought patterns that assail you as much as possible."

Hey! September-Pundelina ... Listen to yourself !!!

We're off to Fiji on August 29th. Back on September 5th. If I manage to not get a period between now and the 5th then I'll be doing a September antagonist cycle. Hooray for short protocols. If I get my period again before the 4th then I'll have to wait til October. And I'm ok with that.

Having secured an extension, I have realised I actually do need to write this damned review and research report. So I shall.

I cleaned maniacally yesterday, the desk is tidy, the house is neat as a pin. I'm good to go and go I shall.

Thank you for the cyber-hugz and love - I appreciate it more than you could guess.

Editing to add - I went for the blood test today (Friday) and the nurse said I most likely had an embryo that tried to implant. She thought that the HCG level of 10 wouldn't have been the Pregnyl because it should have been gone 4 or 5 days past the booster. She also said that was good news. Kind of. Oh, and my crying resolve was a fail. Wet pillow again last night but no nightmares.

Could it be? I'm not sure really and so I'm both worried and excited all at once.

They all seem really faint and there doesn't seem to be much of a progression since Sunday - so maybe I am just stuck with residual Pregnyl and it's showing up on the tests. They're First Response and that's supposed to be sensitive.

But there is a bit of a 'getting darker' trend, isn't there?Off for a beta soon.

Eeeek. I've never had any positive tests to fool around ummming and ahhhing over before. They have always been clearly negative. It's nice to have some hope.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Geez I really am daft sometimes. I have been counting the days wrong (I think).

I had my EPU on Tuesday 24th July, ET was on Thursday 26th July and I was either counting the transfer day as a day or I was counting egg pickup day as a day - I'm not sure which. Either way I'm not supposed to count one of them so really I am 11 days past a 2 day embryo transfer today. I think. If I hadn't had IVF I'd be 13DPO. So it works. Doesn't it? Anyway, I changed all the titles to reflect my realisation.

Anyway, onto the news. Today I'm 120 hours past the last booster. I did another test completely expecting to see one lonely test line and a lot of bright white space. But instead I saw another faint positive. Talk about getting a girl's hopes up. I usually have a 14 day luteal phase which puts me expecting spotting tomorrow (or today) and bleeding by Wednesday.

Paintshop Pro and I think that today's line is darker than yesterday's. Both in real colour and in negative. But who knows because I am attempting to spot tiny colour differences.

Dr Google and I have decided that my line today is more hopeful than my line yesterday and that I ought not worry about the darkness of the colour as the test isn't quantitative. I wish I could find out how much one's blood HCG level is immediately after having 1500iu subcutaneous HCG and then how fast it leaves the body if one weighs 130 pounds and has quite a fast metabolism. Dr Google, you have really let me down this week with your lack of answers.

Beta is tomorrow if I want to, or Thursday as recommended. I think I'll do it tomorrow and put myself out of this misery. The lines are probably false positives from the Pregnyl. As for stoopid progesterone symptoms, my nipples are still sore and I feel a tiny bit crampy.

Oh, and I got an extension for my Honours project. Thank fook. Because can you tell how distracted and unmotivated I am?

Sunday, August 2, 2009

I did another HPT expecting to see the Preg.nyl line blazing out like last Tuesday's. But it wasn't. And now I am fairly convinced that this attempt has failed. This line took a minute to appear and is faint, faint, faint. (My last 1500 iu booster was in the morning of the 29th July, does that make today 4 or 5 days past that?)

There are 3 possibilities (aren't there always):

A. It's the end of the Preg.nyl leaving my body and the faintness is indicating that I'm not pregnant 'cause if I was then the line would be darker. (Boooo, I don't like this option and it's the one I'm leaning towards the most.)B. It's the end of the Preg.nyl leaving my body and the faintness is indicating that I'm in the very early stages of pregnancy and the amount of pregnancy induced HCG in my wee isn't enough to make the test any darker. (yay)C. The Preg.nyl is all gone and that test is a true positive early pregnancy test. (yay-er)

I spent too long this morning searching the interwebz for answers (no satisfactory answers found), then I spent too long this morning bugging the eternally patient and supportive Big Guy. He says that I do not have enough information to come to an informed conclusion and so my 'hope level' ought not change.

I know he's right, but I think he's wrong and thus option A is correct, however I'm hoping for option B or C to be true.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

You may wonder why I'm not more hopeful given that this is our first IVF cycle. It's just that I'm scared to be. I've read the journal articles, the blogs and a kazillion forum posts. So now I know how much can go wrong and how often a cycle doesn't work. I wonder if the TWW, indeed the whole IVF process, was easier before the internet? Hmmm.

We went to hospital yesterday and visited my sister-in-law and her new baby boy. Last September she decided that she'd like to get pregnant again and 6 weeks later she was. 8.5 months later we welcome Baby A.

Baby A is adorable and very, very small and holding him made my heart burst. I want to be holding our baby in 8.5 months time.

About Me

I'm a happy wifey to the Big Guy, a researcher, a worker, a mum and a step-mum. tBG and I started trying for a baby together in Feb 2008 (as soon as we got married) but we got diagnosed with secondary infertility in Jan 2009 and I got hit with a premature peri-menopause diagnosis in early 2010. We did 5 IVF cycles between May 09 and June 10. None of them worked. Full blown menopause at 42. Oh, and I'm also in the process of finishing my PhD. Unsurprisingly, my head is way too full so some of the dross is spilling out here.
pundelina AT Hotmail DOT com
PS. It was 4 years between the premature menopause diagnosis and hitting post-menopause. Whoa.