Category: Funny Woman Blog

I’ve been trying to be less of an Introvert lately. You know, like visiting people and …… well, visiting people. It’s not really working out for me because the first person to come for a visit wouldn’t leave when I was done visiting.

I should have known better when he came to the front door bearing a big-assed can of coffee. I was so focused on being appreciative that I never thought about the ironic consequences. I don’t even know him – Izzie broke into his house and refused to leave until he gave her treats – but I, personally, don’t know him any further than my apology regarding The Queen of Mean’s home invasion. I’ve only spoken to him once and couldn’t even remember his name. It’s Peter – I had to ask.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have invited him in the house, but it was cold outside and I’m a responsible user of utilities. And the coffee; how do you deny a guest coffee when he brings it as a gift? We were at that awkward point where you either invite him in or slam the door in his face and I couldn’t do that because coffee(!) and my fucking cat invaded his home! Had I known we would be trading Home Invasions, I might not have accepted the gift or extended the welcome quite so fast.

Once inside, I gave Peter a cup of coffee and set a new pot to brew. The Viking was busy hanging a television on the wall in the bedroom, but he popped out to chat for a bit. After 45 minutes or so he went back to his job, leaving me alone with Peter. To entertain him. All by myself. She’s not just my cat, you know, Viking! And speaking of the cat, she just curled up on the side board behind Peter’s back and had a nap. That’s the thanks I get around here.

I filled Peter’s coffee cup 5 times. By then, I was just listening without responding (aka encouraging). The Viking went out to blow the snow off the sidewalks around the entire block and came back home and Peter was still here. I stood up and started to putter around the kitchen, putting things in the dishwasher, tidying up, that sort of thing and Peter still sat at the table.

I stopped the refills after the 6th cup. I was starting to get the feeling that he might be moving in and the coffee was a House Warming gift for us. He said his house had finally sold and made a point of letting me know he was between residences. “We have a tiny house, Peter, and you are a big guy! AND we only have one bathroom!”

This is the reason I’m an Introvert in the first place, Peter!!! It doesn’t feel good, it feels like we’re hostages without a ransom demand. Fucking Izzie!

He wouldn’t even use the bathroom, so I could escape to the garage and barricade us in with a snowmobile.

He must have some sort of space age-y bladder that can hold more than 6 cups of coffee for an insane amount of time. I considered sneaking my cellphone into the bathroom and calling 911 – Help! We’re being held hostage by our cat’s home invasion victim! That would never work anyway because there is no law about how long a guest can stay unless it becomes a Squatter Violation but that takes months!

In the meantime, he’s going on and on about his failed marriage 11 years ago and how much money it cost him and why the political system was the foundation upon which his divorce was built on.

I took a moment to wonder if I’m just being selfish, but then I looked at the clock and decided, “Fuck that!! My entire afternoon is gone! And just because Izzie held him hostage doesn’t mean he can hold us hostage or think he can move in with us – two wrongs don’t make a right, Peter!

The marathon finally ended after 4 hours and 49 minutes – just shy of the 5 hours Izzie held him hostage. I locked the front door behind him and sagged onto the closest chair.

Izzie wandered past without looking at me. “No more dragging humans home! If you must be a burglar, make sure you aren’t followed. Seriously. Do I have to make you watch Gone In 60 Seconds?”

I’m just going to chalk this up to bad luck and a learning exercise. First things first – I need a front door with a one-way mirror in it and a trap door for those who make it past the front door before showing their true colors. And then I’ll just go to the visitor instead of them coming to me.*

*This does not apply to my 4 top friends. You can still come for coffee any time for as long as you want. I’ll make a blanket tent in the family room and have a bowl of Jell-o powder so we can lick our fingers and stick it in the powder (don’t knock it until you’ve tried it). Sure, it will stain your finger but how important is that compared to the fun?! Right Judy?

It has become apparent that I need a Lady Sitter. With my best and wonderful friends so far away, it’s difficult to fit in long coffee sessions complete with laughter, tears and hugs. Something magical happens when women get together. They share their pain, making the heartache easier to bare. They share their anger and by doing so, rob it of its power. They share their joy, tossing it in the air so it settles like fairy dust on everyone’s shoulders. They share their humor, so laughter can chase away the darkness. And they share their wisdom because their experiences are different than your experiences and maybe that small spark of knowledge will transform your life. At the end of the day, every woman requires comfort that can only be found with other women.

And before anyone accuses me of sexism, let me just say that men probably need the same sort of thing but I’m a woman and have no deep knowledge of how men work beyond their stomach. It’s not my area of expertise. I can only guess that during long fishing trips or huddles on the sports field or in the deep recesses of Princess Auto or Home Depot, men confide in other men. Maybe that’s what Rugby is all about – one giant Man Hug and then beating each other to a pulp.

Perhaps The Viking has a microphone attached to the air compressor and while I’m in the house putting this post together he is pouring out his anxiety regarding my cooking. Maybe his frequent trips to the Parts Storage unit is a cover for a short but intense sharing of emotional trauma with some other guy that works from home and spends his entire life in his wife’s company. Or perhaps it’s an Osmosis kind of thing whereby they just stand in the general vicinity of each other and suddenly their mojo is brand new again. A King of the Hill sort of thing.

I bring all this up because I’ve found a thing that The Viking sucks at. That’s right…..Mr. I’m Right All The Fucking Time has an Achilles Heel. He’s not actually perfect. I realized this problem last weekend. We were having dinner out with friends and I had spent an hour and a half showering, applying make-up*, creating a hair masterpiece and pillaging my wardrobe for something to wear. When I was finally done, I was feeling a bit like Cinderella on her way to the Ball. I have lost a significant amount of weight and was hoping for a jaw drop or applause or a gentlemanly bow. What I got was……..nothing. Well, not quite nothing. He said, “You look fine”.

A girlfriend or a Lady Sitter would have squealed in delight, called me ‘Girlfriend’ and twirled me around to see every angle. They might offer a tweak here or there to maximize the affect. They most certainly wouldn’t have given me half a glance and a grunt.

But, I’m a self-contained woman; one who doesn’t need compliments because I usually give myself my own compliments, Victory Dances and High Fives. Unfortunately, it seems like I’ve burned through all my own self-congratulations and now find myself needing a compliment without anyone to give me one.

I understand that it’s not in The Viking’s character to hand out compliments, willy nilly, with complete abandon but, would it kill him to give me a “Great job, Babe!” or a “Wow! That was a fantastic dinner!” or even a “Way to not fall down in the hallway!”? Instead, I get “You’re going to burn it if you don’t turn down the heat” and “Don’t trip on that piece of litter in the hallway” and “Put that Box Cutter down right fucking now!” Sure, it’s all great advice, but they aren’t compliments.

It is his only fault though; well, that and his propensity to throw tools when he gets frustrated. Everything else about him exceeds my expectations. And this is where I thought a Lady Sitter would come in handy. I don’t need help with picking out drapes, but it would be awesome to have someone to go to the theater with, or a work-out pal, or a person to discuss Ancient Aliens with**. And it wouldn’t hurt if he liked to cooked and vacuumed, either.

The rational part of my brain said, “Any good Lady Sitter would be hideously expensive, and we don’t have that kind of money laying around”. With that being the case, maybe I could teach The Viking how to compliment me? That shouldn’t be too hard; I’m quite easy to please. Unfortunately, I’m a terrible teacher – just ask Mim about the ‘Math and Hair Brush Incident’.

So, I did what any rational person who is terrible at teaching would do. I visited The World Wide Web and found this:

And then I thought, I have a vibrator and now a Compliment Generator so if I find a reliable jar opener I may be an island unto myself. Hmmm…..that’s probably not true because The Viking:

changes the oil on my car

takes out the garbage

fixes everything that I break

cooks for me on Saturdays and if I accidentally pulls his pants down he’ll just keep on cooking with his pants around his ankles

he brings goodies home from the store

cleans the litter box (that on its own is worth keeping him around)

he sent me a dick pick once when he was away from home

eats all of the food I make even if it’s so bad I can’t eat it and

puts Band-Aids on my war wounds.

And now I feel ungrateful. There is no reason I can’t pause before leaving the house and look up a compliment for myself. I’m sure he would rather wait that couple of minutes if it means he doesn’t have to compromise his strict rules. It’s probably because compliments embarrass him and he assumes they will embarrass me as well, which is totally not the case.

What ever the reason, I still need a compliment once in a while so I’ll bookmark The Compliment Generator on Google and be happy with that. Really. I will be just fine with an impersonal, computer-generated compliment that has nothing to do with subject I needed a compliment for. Honest. It will be fine.

*I rarely wear make-up any more except for occasions because…..well, there’s no reason for it. The Viking just says “Why the fuck are you putting that shit on your face?”

**He doesn’t believe in Ancient Aliens! In fact, he starts howling like a deranged Malamute to express his utter disdain for the subject when he catches me watching one on my computer.

I’m multi-tasking today – laundry, planning dinner, blog post, playing Carleton the Doorman for two cats and company business. I consider this a full day bordering on unreasonably expectation-y because my personal preference for any given day includes Solitaire time and a 2-hour nap at 3:00pm which this day doesn’t include.

While I was folding the first load of clothes out of the dryer I came across a pair of panties I’ve never actually worn for more than 14.8 minutes. They are made of 100% nylon – at least that’s what it says on the panties – but I happen to have excellent proof that they also contain some space-age, super slippery properties they don’t want us to know about. That’s right Hanes, I’m on to you!

I bought them because they are really quite lovely for Granny Panties; so lovely, in fact, that I bought 2 packs of them. Yes. I wear Granny Panties. Especially Golden Girls Granny Panties. Because they are fucking comfortable and if they are good enough for Dorothy, they are good enough for me.

Anyway, I washed them and folded them lovingly. The following morning, I picked out the prettiest one and put it on. I even paused to admired it in the mirror before I put on my pants. Everything seemed fine at first. It was completely fine……until I sat down.

Suddenly my pants went one way and my panties went another! My pants were aligned with my right hip while the panties remained in place. What kind of fuckery is this?! The panties are so slippery that when I sat down, the increased friction of cloth against an immovable force (the chair) caused a fracturing of contact between the Demon Panties and the cotton of my pants. I’m lucky the chair had arm-rests, or I would have been propelled to the floor! The ensuing lawsuit would be as weird as the guy who sued Starbuck’s because he got his penis pinched between the toilet seat and the porcelain of the toilet itself*.

I went directly back to the bedroom to change my panties because there was no way in hell I could slip slide through my day. I didn’t even have to pull my pants down manually – I just wiggled a bit and they fell to my ankles.

And now I’m wondering what Hanes was thinking? Surely, they have quality control. Didn’t anyone put a pair on? Or maybe someone did try them, slipped off their chair, hit their head on the corner of a sewing machine and died. Also, what am I supposed to do with these Demon Panties? I could donate them to a Thrift Store, but that’s just passing on the danger, right? What if a young, single mom takes them then falls off the Bus Stop bench and breaks a leg? That’s the last thing she needs!

As a responsible member of society, I’ve taken a stand. I have balled-up all my Demon Panties in a bag, labelled it (in case someone is cleaning out my closets after I’m dead and thinks to donate such new panties) and shoved them to the back of my Personals Drawer where they will never be a danger to anyone else. I simply don’t want to be responsible for future humiliations and broken bones.

Because that’s just the kind of woman I am. You’re welcome.

PS: Maybe I should burn them. You never know who is going through your shit after you’re dead. Maybe they’ll sell them instead of heeding the large warning on the bag. I’ll need a big barrel, some dynamite and a flare gun.

I finally found some time for Friday Fictioneers hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. The picture for this week’s challenge has been provided by J Hardy Carroll.

When I was a kid I went to a Circus Carnival with my parents. I saw a pair of Siamese Howler Monkeys in a cage behind the Big Top. Each head controlled one arm. The left side was Frank and the right side was Sinatra.

Frank stole Sinatra’s banana so Sinatra howled in Frank’s ear. Frank gave the banana back to Sinatra but as soon as Sinatra had the banana, Frank howled in his ear. Then Sinatra slapped Frank and Frank slapped Sinatra and the banana fell out of the cage.

The inspiration for my post is from Genius Funny Man Tim Conway and his Siamese Elephant skit on the Carol Burnett Show. If you haven’t seen it, I’ve put the link below. It’s not great quality which is a shame – the better links were blocked in my country which is another shame. For the Siamese Elephant go to 2:00 in the video.

I have a new Dentist. Not only is he absolutely adorable but he’s kind and more than just a little talented, too. I don’t want to gush but he’s managed 2 miracles in the past month alone. If he keeps this up, I’ll have to contact the Vatican and recommend Sainthood.

My problem is Dry Mouth, caused by nearly 10 years of pain medication that keeps me on my feet and not in a wheel chair. I don’t eat candy all day long, I brush my teeth, floss and use mouthwash like every other responsible person but I have no spit. At all. No enzymes that kill bacteria. It’s the Sahara Desert in there which leaves me with a surplus of cavities and a deficit of Dental Coverage.

The Dental Clinic that I had been supporting created a mess with revolving Dentists, inferior materials, no quality control and insane prices. I have a filling in a molar that was installed in 1998 and it’s pristine while every filling that was installed at this clinic lasted less than a year. After I spent a month on IV and oral Antibiotics I finally said, “Fuck this shit!!” and started looking around for a decent Dental Clinic.

Oddly enough, it was my Hair Guru that recommended the Montgomery Dental Centre . I had nothing to lose really; that infected tooth had to be dealt with if I wanted to avoid more antibiotics.

So, I called them and made an appointment. I was expecting Dental Shaming at a bare minimum and perhaps flagrant condescension. What I didn’t expect was Dr. Manu Dua, DMD or the sweet women that greeted me, prepped me and kept me calm.

Dr. Dua – okay, wait. I can’t call him Dr. Dua all the time, it’s bulky and awkward and I’m old enough to be his mother. I understand that he’s a very talented man who spent a lot of time and money being educated and I want to show my respect for that education but can I salute him or curtsy or something and then just call him Dua? I’m going to ask about that at my next appointment.

Anyway, Dua arrived in my cubicle wearing a face mask and snapping his plastic gloves. He poked and prodded around in my mouth with several sharp instruments he ordered from The Tower of London. He started tap, tapping here and tap, tapping there like my mouth was a xylophone and he was playing Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting. “Does this hurt? How about this?” After a lengthy examination, he pulled down his mask and said, “Yeah, I can fix this.”

The confidence in this one is strong. I like it! I was worried he would pull all my teeth and send me for dentures, which is one of my worst nightmares. Your whole face collapses and you suddenly look like Whistler’s Mother even if you’re still in your teens – which I’m not.

He said, “Begone! Come back in two days” at which time he would do Dua Magic. And he did! He built an entire eye tooth out of fairy dust and sunshine! It’s brilliant! I stop and look at it in the mirror a couple of times a day, turning this way and that so the light shines on it. Even better? He called me a couple days later to ask how my Magic Tooth was doing! In my excitement I accidentally said, “I love you.” Which I do but maybe he was creeped out. It’s a totally platonic love, Dua. No need to move to another city and change your name.

He tackled the infected Asshole Molar right after Christmas. He drilled it out and cleaned out the infection, gave it a stern talking-to, then filled it with some temporary stuff – probably toadstools and Hobbit feet – so it will hold until my Dental Coverage kicks in again in April. That’s when the Dua Plan kicks in. He knows exactly which tooth will receive the Dua Magic next, and I find that comforting. Also, he called me a couple days later to check up on my Hobbit Tooth, which is wonderful. I managed, in the nick of time, to keep my affections to myself. And it wasn’t easy, Dua.

So, now I’m working on a dental clinic VooDoo doll (for the old clinic) which is harder than you would think because where do you jab the pin? I could jab the receptionist but unless she’s the actual owner of the clinic it wouldn’t be fair. And I don’t want to jab the Dental Assistants because they, like Nazi soldiers, were only following orders. So where does that leave me? They have rotated at least 5 Dentists through that clinic in the past 5 years and I can’t remember them all.

Well, I suppose I’ll just send special wishes to Universe regarding the old clinic. I’m not too bitter, but I’m still annoyed enough to take reasonably aggressive action. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t risk messing with Universe because that can easily backfire. Waiting for Karma can be a lengthy proposition, though.

PS: Don’t even think about relocating, Dua. It takes no time at all to make a VooDoo doll for you.

The ground under my feet shifted on December 23rd. Not literally, of course, but something moved and my soul moved with it.

As you know, Mim (my amazing daughter) got married on that day. When Mim arrived at the church, her father (Stanley) and I made our way downstairs to the staging area. When we reached the bottom of the stairs and saw her…….time stopped.

Where did this gorgeous creature even come from? I looked at Stanley and saw my awe reflected on his face. He said, “She looks like Princess Ariel!”. And she did! I said, “I can’t believe we made that!”

And there was that moment. Thoughts that had been waltzing around my brain for a couple of years suddenly coalesced into a brilliant moment of clarity. My family circle had holes that needed to be filled.

I looked at Stanley again and my heart hurt. We’ve been so awkward since we separated but all the negative feelings have long since fallen away. Stanley found Mildred and I found The Viking and we’ve all created wonderful lives for ourselves. And there I stood, looking at our daughter, falling in love with Stanley all over again.

Skreeeetch!!Not like that!

Stanley and I are connected. We each hold a small piece of the other’s heart. There is kindness and respect and a deep love that will last until we die. We just weren’t meant to love like married people love. Instead, we were meant to love like only the very best of friends can love.

The question then becomes ‘How do we go from awkward and weird to Hygge* Friends?’ My lastencounter** with Mildred was sort of tricky. What we need is copious amounts of booze to rub off the rough edges and lubricate the Hygge. OR! Moderate amounts of Akvavit because that shit is like a truth serum.

So, on December 30th at 2:00pm, the Julefrokost began. There were six of us – Junior and his girlfriend, Stanley and Mildred and The Viking and me. It was sad that Mim and Kevin couldn’t come – they were both very sick and making the 4-hour drive in freezing weather was beyond their capabilities. We missed them both terribly, but the party went on as scheduled.

The Viking, Junior and I were the only seasoned Julefrokost-ers at the table so you would think we would break the Newbies in gently. You’d be wrong, though. It was Trial by Fire, Baby!!

We started off with Pickled Herring on rye bread topped with onions and boiled egg. Take one bite and shout SKÅL!!, a shot of Akvavit with a chaser of beer. I must confess, that first shot of Akvavit is a killer. My right eye slams shut and my left starts to water. My mouth contorts into an alligator smile. My throat burns and I can’t breathe for about 15 seconds. Then my entire body shudders and an involuntary moan wheezes out of my nose. I was so busy trying to survive my own first shot that I have no idea how Stanley and Mildred did. Apparently, they were fine because no one was on the floor when I finally stopped gasping.

Mildred & Stanley

As the courses progressed, we all became increasingly tanked. I kept spilling things (it’s what I’m good at) but Mildred was fast on her feet fetching the paper towels. I blame the Akvavit because Stanley started gesturing with his shot glass to emphasize his verbal points and we all thought he was Skål-ing so we shouted and drank. I was even trying to just sip my shots but it didn’t matter. I’m just happy I didn’t have a repeat of two Julefrokosts ago. Don’t ask.

Stanley demanded Honorary inclusion in The Viking Club, and after a short visual conversation between The Viking, at the other end of the table, and myself, we granted his wish. He & Mildred were embracing the Julefrokost better than anyone I know and so deserve it.

The conversation went from “How’s the weather on the hill?” to “We want to go to Europe.” to “We should go to Europe together!!” to “Gawd!! I love you guys!”

The Viking and Mildred bonded and Stanley and I sashayed down Memory Lane. We marveled at Mim’s Wedding and reminisced over vacations past. It was beautiful!

The next morning, though, I was a wee bit nervous. I hoped I didn’t need to ‘Apologize For Anything I May Have Done While I Was Drunk’. I thought Stanley and Mildred enjoyed themselves, but in the sober light of day will they ever come back? So, I handled it the way any rational human being would – I called my son. I pumped him for information so hard he finally had to tell me to ‘RELAX!! It went great!’ When Mildred accepted my friend request on Face Book I was thrilled!

Princess Mim called two days later and demanded to know if this will be a new family tradition? The Viking and I certainly hope it will. There will be plenty of other occasions together so we may as well do it as good friends. Junior was very happy to see both his parents sitting at the same table, enjoying each other’s company and Mim was sad to have missed it. We’ll just have to do it again.

Besides, if Kathy & I are friends we can be Back-Up Labor Coaches in the delivery room (Mim’s not pregnant yet but I can dream, can’t I?). You know….in case Kevin passes out or something. One on each side. Stereo encouragement! I’m sure Mim will appreciate it.

In the meantime, the holes in my family circle are filling up. How blessed can one woman be?

*A Danish word for spending time with loved ones, being cozy and calm.

Like this:

At one point in my life I was an Extrovert. At least I think I was. There is a significant amount of evidence to suggest I might have been a badass Extrovert as a youngster. I’m not that anymore, though and the only explanation is that my inner Extrovert was ambushed, tortured for several decades and killed by my innerIntrovert. The war happened so slowly that I really wasn’t conscious of it. It took one well-timed meme on Facebook and I was suddenly confronted with the reality that I’m a total and complete Introvert.

Under normal conditions this isn’t a problem. We work and live at home so there are entire days where I don’t need to see anyone. It’s lovely.

However, this past month has been filled with occasions where I needed to leave my dark cave and intermingle with other humans.

Mim and Kevin got married on December 23rd and I was forced to dress up and smile and shake hands. There were a few awkward moments when my brain locked up and I was concerned I may need to run. Like when Kevin’s Dad introduced himself as Kevin’s brother and I looked at Kevin and then at the guy in front of me and what I wanted to say was, “Get the fuck out of here! You’re too old to be his brother!”

Maybe their parents had too much love for just one kid and by the time they realized it the first love-child was already in his twenties. It happens and I’m not judging. In fact, it’s lovely.

Maybe they have different mothers but the same horny father. This, too, happens and it’s nothing to be worried about.

Maybe the older one fell out of the sky as a baby, making a huge crater in the middle of Russia, and then crawled for months without food until a nice farm couple found him and raised him as their own. And then he realized he had super powers and logically decided to become a reporter with the Daily News as a cover for his Super-ness. Maybe I’m standing here with Clark Fucking Kent! What does one say to Clark Kent? What’s the etiquette? I hope he doesn’t expect a curtsey because I am way past the point where a curtsey is a curtsey but rather an awkward slow fall to the floor. But he’s fucking Superman – he can just pluck me up and put me back on my feet again like nothing ever happened. And, I bet he can really get the lid off a pickle jar in a hurry, too. He probably doesn’t even shout about how I managed to get the lid on the pickle jar so tight that only Superman can get it off because he IS Superman so no harm, no foul.

Fortunately, for both of us, Kevin’s Father correctly identified the emotions racing across on my face and took pity on me.

And then there was the woman who looked me up and down and decided I didn’t meet her standards. So, I frowned and looked her up and down and decided she didn’t meet my standards. Apparently, she’s not the kind to back down so looked me up and down again. I retaliated with another look up and down but with a bigger frown. And then she did it again and I did it again and then The Viking decided he should break up the war before someone’s face got stuck in a sneer for eternity.

When it came time to dance I was happily sitting at my table, minding my own Introverted business and suddenly Kevin showed up. I said that Mim promised I wouldn’t have to dance. He said he didn’t make any such promise and if it would make me feel any better he wouldn’t twirl me around. I said that was probably the best idea he had ever had in his entire life. That scenario was full of terrible possibilities, most of them ending with me on my back, my dress up around my ears and my Spanx letting go.

I ended up in Emergency again, on Christmas Eve. And the second Emergency waiting room was packed with only two seats available – one squished between two guys and one beside a lady, but her husband’s wheel chair was blocking access. My Introvert didn’t even pause. It said “Fuck this shit! I’ll stand in the hallway!” But then the lady noticed me and recognized my Introvert because she said, “Come over here and sit beside me, dear.”

I loved her in that moment.

The ultimate test of my Introverted-ness came when we hosted a Julefrokost (a Danish Christmas Feast) on the 30th for my kids and my ex-husband, Stanley and his wife, Mildred. Stay tuned because that’s my next post.

Mim’s getting married on the 23rd of this month which means only one thing – I am one step closer to a grandchild that I will spoil rotten.

I suppose it means more than just one thing to Mim, like love and joy and a flashy ring finger, but for me, it’s all about the babies.

Of course, I share her excitement and want to make her day wonderful. When it was time to buy shoes and jewelry, I was more than happy to make a day of it. She had already purchased her Gown which left only the little things.

She came to the house expecting me to be ready….but I wasn’t. I was 15 minutes away from being ready and it was entirely The Viking’s fault. I didn’t want to waste time explaining at that moment and put us even further behind, so I waited until we were in the car and on our way to meet the Maid of Honor.

Me: It wasn’t my fault I was late.

Mim: It’s okay, Mom. It’s no big deal.

Me: But I hate being late. The Viking decided to poop just before I needed to be in the shower.

Mim: I hate that!! Argh!

Me: Me, too!! And he claims that he didn’t plan on pooping at that time, but I think it’s an entire male gender conspiracy. They know.

Mim: Oh, they know. When poop smell meets water vapor it becomes a solid!

Me: Exactly! The poop particles are in the air and as soon as I turn the shower on it turns the dust poop back into solid/liquid form and I’m essentially showering in poop.

Mim: YES! That’s just so gross! How can you possibly feel clean when you’ve had to shower in poop?!

Me: I’ve tried to explain this to The Viking and he just goes “Pfft!”

Mim: Haha! That’s also the sound of farts! Coincidence? I think not.

Me: Hahaha!! The Viking has never had to take a poop shower. Because I’m a nice person!

Mim: I yell when it happens at home. I totally understand why you had to wait for the dust poop to get sucked up through the fan. It’s a good thing you have such a good fan or you would have had to wait for a lot longer.

Me: And that’s why you’re my best friend. You understand how Science works.

The day turned out to be wonderful and we found beautiful things for her. I don’t often get to spend time with Mim; she lives about 5 hours from me – a fact that I point out every time I talk to her. I’ve even tried to bribe her but, apparently, she loves living where she does and the thought of coming back to the city isn’t very appealing. So, I make due with the time we have.

In the meantime, I’ll need to have a conversation with The Viking about solids, liquids, and air particles. Because there is no way we can have a freshly baked Grandchild exposed to that kind of thing. Since our little house doesn’t have room for a special Poop Room, we might need to consider the facilities at the gas station on the corner.

I used to drive a Toyota Corolla, 5-speed, manual transmission car. I loved her. I called her Midge. She was quick and nimble and had lots of power with the manual transmission. She was comfortable and dependable and even The Viking liked driving her.

The thing with Midge was that she was a small car. She wasn’t intimidating; bigger vehicles and pretentious Hondas always bullied her on the roads. And if you don’t believe me about Hondas……just start noticing the vehicles that are responsible for slowing traffic, cutting you off, failing to merge properly. Trust me on this – 75% of the time it’s a Honda. Mim and I have conducted numerous experiments and the evidence is overwhelming. You’re stuck in traffic? Chances are a Honda is to blame.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Midge got bullied a lot on the roads. So, when the occasion arose that I needed to take The Viking’s vehicle I was always just a little excited. Because The Viking’s vehicle, Tina Turner, is a behemoth – a one-ton, dual axle, diesel Chevy truck. She is a brute – a completely obnoxious brute and I must admit that sometimes I become a Harpy with a bad attitude when I drive her.

It’s not my fault really. Any reasonable person with that kind of power under her seat will put the pedal to the floor when a Honda cuts her off in traffic. Or when a slow Honda is driving in the fast lane. Or when a Honda passes her and then slows down just to fuck with her. It’s completely natural that given the chance to be obnoxious to that Honda she’s going to do it.

But things have changed around here. I have a RAV 4 now with all the bells and whistles available. I don’t get bullied on the road and I’ve become accustomed to the high level of convenience and comfort that Charlotte provides.

Yesterday, The Viking put Tina Turner in front of Charlotte in the driveway so I decided I would just take her to the store and then park her properly when I came home.

I immediately got annoyed, before I even made it into Tina Turner. I actually had to unlock the truck by remote control! That the hell?! I couldn’t stuff the keys into my pocket and just touch the door handle the way I do with Charlotte. I would have to deal with keys! And once I made it over that hurdle, there was more to come.

Something happens to The Viking’s legs when he drives Tina Turner – they become very, very short! I get in to drive and suddenly my knees are up in my arm pits but it’s not worth the bother to change all the settings in the seat just for a quick run to the grocery store.

Tina wouldn’t just automatically play my music from my phone either! She wanted me to plug it in to her USB port. Well, that’s a pain in the ass! Charlotte has Bluetooth and she knows what I like. Instead, I was subjected to Classic Rock Radio when I really wanted to listen to my favorite Classical music. That is a major problem!

Also, the turning radius – it takes Tina half a city block to turn around. I had to shuffle 3 times to get her into the parking spot and then her ass hung 4 feet further out than any other vehicle in the parking lot.

And to add insult to injury, there wasn’t a single Honda between our house, the grocery store and back home again. So, the one thing I really enjoy about Tina Turner was useless for lack of opportunity.That’s like meeting the real Tina Turner and she isn’t wearing sequins, jiggling her ass or singing Proud Mary. What’s the point then?

I know what you’re thinking. First World problems, right? Well, I agree. But I would argue that once you’ve grown accustomed to a new technology, it’s a bastard to suddenly go without.

My electric can opener stopped working and because I had never really liked it in the first place (it wouldn’t stop when I wanted it to stop so it always ended in a wrestling match), I just bought a good, old manual can opener. Now, I have to stop half way through and shake feeling back into my hand before I can get the whole top off the can. And when it comes to big cans like coffin tins, well, that is a job for The Viking.

I bought one of those long shoe horns from IKEA and after three years of faithful service, it broke, leaving only about 8 inches. What a clusterfuck that was! Suddenly I had to bend over and put this shitty little thing in my shoe to get it on my foot! I have big boobs and leaning over like that can end in a catastrophic tumble. I went directly to IKEA and bought six more long ones because short ones are so 1900s and I deserve a better shoe horn than that.

At the end of the day, technology has ruined my love of Tina Turner. Unless there’s a Honda around somewhere – then she’s my girl.

I hate lectures that revolve around bad habits and lack of effort. Okay…….to be clear, I enjoy listening to lectures that involve other people’s bad habits and lack of effort, just not my own. I would find it endlessly entertaining if someone attempted to lecture The Viking. I wouldn’t recommend it, but it would be entertaining to watch if only for the cursing and tool throwing. If you think you’d like to give this a try, please let me know in advance so I can have a comfortable chair, goggles, old clothes and a glass of wine on hand. And maybe a camera.

Where was I? Oh yes – lectures. I especially hate lectures given by Computer Gurus – they are worse than doctors and born-again Christians. They get that condescending look on their face and say things like “Did you plug it in?” and “When was the last time you cleaned it?” So when my computer needed a restart and it didn’t come back to life, I said, “What the FUCK?! Start, damn you!”

When that didn’t work I threw my hands in the air, rolled my eyeballs, and yelled, “My computer won’t start!!”

The Viking’s supportive, caring and encouraging response was “I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY THOSE FUCKING GAMES!!”

After poking and fiddling with it, he decided I blew the video card again. AGAIN! He muttered about my fucking games some more and then bought a new video card. He pushed the power……and nothing. “What the FUCK?! Start, damn you!”

I said, “That’s what I said!”

After exhausting all his ideas and most of his curses, he admitted defeat. “Call Tommy.”

I heaved a sigh & shuddered. “He’s going to yell at me.” The Viking didn’t seem to have a fuck to give about that.

When Tommy arrived I tried to run, but he saw me and said “Freeze, Lady!”

I said, “Aaahhhaaggg!” and waved my hands over my head in frustration. He laughed because we both know what comes next: the Lecture.

“Do you shut it down every night?”

“No.”

“When was the last time, before this, that you shut it down?”

“Um……7…no, 8 months ago because it threatened me.”

“When was the last time you cleaned it?”

“9 months ago.”

“Do you play online games?”

The Viking decided to take Tommy’s side in the matter. “I told her not to play those fucking games! I told her!!”

“You do know that online games are played by millions of people and if they get a virus, then you’ll get a virus blah blah blah blah blah…..” The only thing missing here was a metal table, handcuffs and a bare lightbulb swinging slowly back and forth overhead.

“Can you fix it?” Really, that’s all I want to know.

The short answer came 6 hours later. “No. You need a new motherboard, one of your drives is fine, one can be saved and the other one is toast. My advice: build a new computer.”

Of course that’s his advice.

So, now I’ve been scolded and I have to pay, at a bare minimum, $1500 for a new computer and all the fucking programs. Dammit!

Stupid computer! That’s the problem with machines: they are ungrateful bastards that look for the first excuse to fuck you over. How am I supposed to relax now? Read for 4 hours a day? I fall asleep after 3 pages of a book nowadays and then the tablet falls out of my hand and lands on my toes and then I swear a lot. I almost never fall asleep in the middle of a mission on my games. I suppose I could finish that damned Cross Stitch Baby Blanket project that has been in my closet for 11 years. Or worse, I could clean.

I wish I could point a finger at someone and blame them, but I can’t. No one forced me to play computer games, but in my defense, if computers weren’t intended to play games they shouldn’t be making games for them. I’m only human after all. How much control do they think I have? I already battle temptations involving chocolate and Toffifee and jewelry and cake and shoes.

Now I will have a computer that is useless for anything other than work. Sigh. The Computer Gawds are no friends of mine. Apparently.