50 thoughts I had watching Fifty Shades Freed

Fifty Shades Freed is a theatrical experience you should not miss. Will you ever see golden abs the size of Everest in a dark room with hundreds of others again? Maybe, if Jamie Dornan goes shirtless for another movie. Will you have a great time watching this closing chapter to the Fifty Shades movie trilogy? Absolutely. As you gear up for your own viewing of Freed, here’s how it went for me.

1. It’s Fifty Shades Freed time and my body is so ready.

2. Oh, wow. They are opening right with the wedding. This dress is not a big reveal if you’ve seen the trailers as many times as I have. But it’s still beautiful to watch Ana say her vows looking like a million bucks.

3. Ana and Christian have a flower wall at this wedding! How Kimye of them.

4. Ana and Christian are texting each other while sitting beside each other in their lounge chairs on the beach. This honeymoon already sucks!

5. Christian is reading a book called The Hawk & The Sea. So Christian can read a hardcover on his honeymoon and Ana can’t sunbathe topless on the beach? This. Guy.

6. “It’s boobs on boob land.” I hope I wrote this down wrong; it’s supposed to be a quote from Ana to Christian, who is not a fan of a topless Ana on the beach. Sure, it’s silly, but you tell him, Ana. Let your girls roam free.

Cruising into wedded bliss like...

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7. Just like Ana and Christian’s jet ski ride from the beach to their yacht, this movie is flying by.

8. OOooo our first sex scene and it’s boat sex! The one with handcuffs!

9. That was just fine. I’m fine. We’re going to be fine. Me, Ana, Christian, and everyone in this cinema.

10. “Laters, baby.” Ah, there it is. Should we stand up and clap when this happens again?

11. Sawyer the hot bodyguard/driver/meat-on-a-stick needs more scenes. Imagine Sawyer delivering a "Laters, baby" to you when you're off to work?

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12. “It happened and you weren’t even here.” OK I get why Liz is bitter about Ana’s promotion. Ana’s worked at SIP for like, two minutes and Liz is probably coming up for her 15-year anniversary but come on, way to ruin the post-honeymoon glow, Liz. LIZ.

13. Boyce Fox can write my book anytime. And his name is 100 percent accurate. He is a fox.

14. Does Christian actually work? I know he likes to (pretend to) pay attention in meetings and drop big words like “liquidate,” (in the books anyway), so why does he have time to interrupt Ana at her office over her email address and last name? Give it up, buddy. It’s 2018. Let Ana Steele and her boobs live.

"I tried to e-mail you. It bounced."

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15. Gia the architect just said something about Christian’s GQ profile and the work he’s been “doing in Africa.” Oh boy.

16. “You may call me Mrs Grey.” This film is full of fantastic, OTT one-liners. Who wants to start a Fifty Shades t-shirt business with me?

17. The car chase scene is happening and it’s actually kind of fun?

18. Should I buy an Audi?

19. “Sure beats Wanda,” Ana says while zipping away from the Dodge that’s following them. I’ll take this as code for “Wanda was a shitty car and I secretly love being rich and having access to all of these sexy sports cars.”

20. What do you do when you’re completely freaked out after a scary car chase? You have sex! But not in the car. Not here. This is not great.

21. Please make it stop.

22. Oh good, it’s over. And it’s only been about 5 seconds since they started. Please, move to the next plot point. I need to think about anything else. Bring back Sawyer!

23. Ana is about to give Christian a haircut. What’s up with her obsession about his facial hair? Didn’t she tell him to shave when he bombarded her in her office about the whole Ana Grey thing?

24. Sawyer is so fucking hot. He can protect me anytime.

25. Wow the security at Escala needed to be replaced like, yesterday. Either Jack has superhero powers or everyone was sleeping on the job when he broke into the penthouse.

26. Ana offering cable ties to hold down Jack after he’s contained by Prescott and Sawyer is my favourite scene so far.

27. Christian is taking a shower. Everyone be quiet.

28. I wonder how Jamie Dornan maintains his v-lines. Does he need to clean them extra hard because of how chiseled they are? Does he use a tiny, soft brush?

I’ve been waiting for you, V-lines.

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29. Liz at work is definitely helping Jack and she could not be more obvious. I already know this because of the book but still, saying things like, “Are you sure you should be at work?” when you actually want to say, “Let me take your job because I deserve it more” has no place anywhere.

30. The Red Room has a couch? How could I forget this ugly piece of furniture? It’s red, of course, and it’s the least sexy thing in the room.

31. Mrs Jones is a saint. Not only does she take care of the penthouse and make sure Ana and Christian are never hungry, she packed a bag for Ana’s surprise trip to Aspen! I can only imagine what her retirement savings plan is like.

32. OMG why is José on this plane to Aspen? Buddy. It’s so good to see you but, what are you doing here? Are they going to make José and Mia… a thing?

33. It must be so nice to be rich and be able to take baths together in a giant bathtub overlooking a mountain. Fuck it. I’m buying a lotto ticket after this and buying myself a chateau in Aspen.

34. Ana eating vanilla ice cream is the most predictable thing next to the fact that Jamie Dornan will always look good wet.

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35. The ice cream on Ana’s leg is not sexy. They’re just dribbles! Cut away from this scene now. Please.

36. “Never mind, they bone.” Actual words I wrote on my notebook. I believe I jotted this down after Ana and Christian’s respective failed missions to give each other oral sex. They end up boning.

37. Everyone goes hiking without Christian and for some reason, he’s not freaking out over not being able to watch Ana. Interesting.

38. The Pacific Northwest sure is beautiful. I know this is supposed to be Aspen but still, look at the trees! Nature!

39. OMFG, Elliot just asked Kate to marry him IN A CLUB. Is this a joke? What’s worse, she said yes! She must really love him to say yes IN A CLUB. Did I mention this happened in a club?

Likes to propose in clubs. Whatever.

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40. This Red Room montage is making me dizzy. I get it, Christian and Ana love going to the Red Room and poor Mrs Jones is probably working OT to clean everything up. Tell me something I don’t know.

41. Jack’s court appearance is so random. And OMG, is that Ana in disguise? You might as well take off those glasses. He just looked at you.

42. Christian is drunk after having a fight with Ana, who is PREGNANT. I know he’s a dick to her here but drunk Christian is the best. Jamie Dornan is actually quite funny in this scene.

43. “Babies happen when people tend to have sex!” Ana is angry, and she’s also teaching Christian everything he needs to know about the birds and the (bay)bees.

44. Jack kicking Ana in the stomach is hard to watch. Oof.

45. Apparently, Christian crying is a rare sight, so I’m going to take it all in. They’re at the hospital after Ana passed out from the whole Jack kidnapping Mia ordeal (but Ana shot Jack, so it’s all good).

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46. “I want your world to begin and end with me.” Knew the tears wouldn’t last. We’re back on Planet Possessive.

47. Christian owns a tagine? Five dollars, no, one billion dollars says he doesn’t know how to use it.

48. OMG Christian and Ana are visiting his birth mother’s grave. This is absolutely beautiful and I might just cry.

49. No wait, I am now getting emotional over this montage of all the movies.

50. THE POMMEL HORSE MADE THE CUT! I REPEAT. THE POMMEL HORSE MADE THE CUT!

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Peggy TruongEntertainment WriterPeggy is Cosmopolitan.com’s entertainment writer, specializing in Leonardo DiCaprio, This Is Us, and the royals.

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