As if in revenge, during his recent inspection of Kyiv, Putin degraded Yanukovych and even entertained the idea of cannibalizing him.

Putin: The price that...uh...that they rolled out at us — to me it was completely off the charts. For this amount of money, I would eat both Yanukovych and...aaaaaand your president combined. But...I really...but the money is just...no military base in the world is worth that much money. There’s no price like that.

Mr. Putin, do you have a name for that “president” of ours? Does he know you'd eat him along with Yanukovych?

Let me guess. You meant that bad guy Yushchenko, right? He’s not our president anymore! Besides, he still may have some dioxin left in him.

Recently, I returned from a trip to Ukraine, where I had the opportunity to meet the nation's third president, Viktor Yushchenko. Since the country first broke away from the Soviet Union more than a decade earlier, Ukraine has been trying to forge its own identity and assert its own independence from Russia. This culminated earlier this year in the Orange Revolution, a mass demonstration from thousands of protestors who stood by Yushchenko and his promise to move his country further from the sphere of Russian influence.

President Yushchenko finally won. But today, Ukraine remains almost entirely dependent on - guess who -- Russia - for all it's oil and gas supplies. And it is widely expected that in anticipation of next year's parliamentary elections, Russia will triple the prices of both. Despite all the soaring rhetoric, the demonstrations and the courage, Ukraine still finds itself at the mercy of its former patron - a nation that can now influence every political and economic decision they make - all because of oil.

This will not be America's future - but this is the stranglehold that fossil fuels can have on a nation's freedom. Ukraine may have little choice in the matter. The most powerful and wealthy nation on earth, teeming with brilliant minds and cutting-edge technology, surely does. The genius of the American people has already shown us the path towards energy independence, now they're just waiting for their government to take them there. Let's finally get it done. Thank you.

I know only one movie that does Chernobyl justice. It’s called Распад(Rah-spah-d).

This irony-packed perestroika-era drama offers an X-ray of Soviet crisis mismanagement. In scenes of heart-wrenching innocence and poignance, it recreates the chain of events: from the comfort zone to the danger zone.

It bursts the bubble of a blissful and unsuspecting populace that, in the middle of spring, goes about its business the day after. Grown-ups get married. Kids play soccer. (I too played soccer, just 70 miles south of Chernobyl, in Kyiv.)

The evacuation of Prypyat (the town where the nuclear power plant workers lived) took a back seat to regimentation. With radiation at peak levels, authorities waited for orders from Moscow and delayed evacuation efforts in an air of secrecy.

The “lost boy” scene relies on hyperbole to drive the point home emotionally: A latchkey kid doesn’t get on the bus. Instead, he stays and waits for his mom to come home from work. The main character, a reporter, spots the boy during a flyover of Prypyat (now a ghost town) as he writes this: “Mom! I’ve come home. Come. I [interrupted].”

Распад can be translated as decay, disintegration or breakup. It’s the main theme of the film. Chernobyl delivered a shock to the Soviet system and, as it soon turned out, became a catalyst in its breakup.

Somehow, I only discovered Распад last year, almost two decades after its filming by the Dovzhenko Film Studios in 1990. I was 10 at the time.

I find this movie very special because it takes me back to my childhood. It takes me back to my home city of Kyiv, my home district of Obolon, my neighborhood.

In Kharkiv, where the two presidents met, most Ukrainian reporters got booted from the joint press conference. The Russian ones stayed on and didn’t misbehave, which made it easy for both presidents.

Yanukovych finds it easy to give away what doesn’t belong to him.

Just nine days after he promised to rid Ukraine of a few bombs’ worth of enriched uranium — worth over $1B — the same story happens again.

No prior public discussions. No questions asked. No cost-benefit analyses. Except this one:

Medvedev: Our Ukrainian partners will receive a gas discount in the amount of...uh...$100 if the price of gas is higher than $330 per 1,000 cubic meters, and, if the price is lower, 30% off the contract price. [takes a deep breath] This discount, accordingly, is a real resource that will be at our Ukrainian partners’ disposal.

Yanukovych (ProFFessor of Economics): In the following 10 years, Ukraine…will receive a real investment resource that, our experts estimate, it...will be...provided by Russia to Ukraine in the form of this...uh...resource aid, specifically gas, worth…this sum totals approximately about $40B. The Black Sea Fleet will be one of the security guarantors...among the Black Sea basin countries. And we support President Medvedev’s initiative...uh...to review the issue of...to review the concept of European collective security.

Medvedev (waxes Putinesque): A real partnership step. Both on the part of Russia and on the part of Ukraine. It is the step we’ve been expecting for a long time. It is these actions that provide a test of true intentions of neighbors, friends, relatives...countries dear to us. [takes a deep breath] And Ukraine took that step today, as did the Russian Federation.

So here’s the deal: The oligarchs get the “resource aid” they need, and the slaves get the stabilnist they deserve.

Last, but definitely not least: The deal violates the Constitution of Ukraine.

Article 17 bars foreign military bases from operating on Ukrainian territory. There’s only one exception: “the existing military bases on the territory of Ukraine,” as stipulated in the transitional provisions.

Target ratification date: April 27. If the fleet-for-gas deal overwrites the 1997-2017 lease agreement, then Yanukovych should **** the Constitution and Parliament one more time.

Which probably means that the deal will be effective as long as Yanukovych remains omnipotent.

Meanwhile, the opposition has set out to impeach Yanukovych.

Tymoshenko calls for an emergency session to be held Saturday and welcomes everyone to an opposition rally.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Cabinet spokeswoman Olena Bondarenko: And as for privatization, I think both young and old politicians are now aware that the state is baaank-ruuupt! Please tell me, what do they do the property of a bankrupt? They seeell iiit ooout! [Denysova blushes, Yatsenyuk boos] And in this particular case...and in this particular case, what they say about effective management...

Yatsenyuk: That’s gross!

Bondarenko: Yes, I agree, we should try...but in this particular case, we also have huge debt obligations that weren’t made by us, that weren’t invented by us. And in this particular case, we will be paying back these debts.

Hour after hour, day after day, the beach gets visits from unsuspecting kids and carefree adults. That’s where they run into Staby.

I’ve been picking up plastic bags and bottles on Kyiv beaches for about a year. I’ve even buried a few birds. (We don’t have a reliable service to take care of dead animals or roadkill. Most of the time, they just rot away on the streets or become car-pressed steaks on the highway.)

I gave up on Staby. She’s too heavy and too much of a health hazard. You can smell her from a distance of 50 meters if the wind blows your way.

Ironically, the bay goes by the name of Sobache Hyrlo (Dog's Throat). Here's what it looks like in the summer.

Back to Staby, I last saw her on Thursday evening, half-submerged. With the water rising, she may sail away tomorrow. Too bad she won’t reach Koncha-Zaspa.

Mr. Yanukovych, I know you hear everyone. Why don’t you pick up Staby and take her to the White House, along with the enriched uranium?

When Ukraine’s elites dumped water from the dam to rescue their splendid riverfront villas from spring flooding, tons of fish died.

Trapped under heavy ice in receding coastline waters, some of the fish became fair game for hordes of fishermen. With the ice gone now, the rest of the fish litters the Kyiv Sea coastline — in what looks and smells like a miles-long mass grave.

Naturally, it’s no disaster, as far as the government is concerned. They didn’t notice it. They still don't notice it. It’s not their job. Thus, no cleanup effort has been undertaken.

As the fish decompose and pollute the water, Kyiv’s supply of drinking water remains safe and under control, authorities say. Just a little smelly, but that’s OK.

You treasured my country’s ability to trade its national interests for nothing but IMF loans and some aid.

As you know, the loans did us no good and the aid fell short of delivering the results it did in Eastern Europe. After all, from your Moscowcentric point of view, Ukraine’s “fledgling democracy” didn’t belong in Europe. The State Department pigeonholed us into “Eurasia” (Non-West/Little Russia), a class from which we never really graduated.

In an ideal world, you should have kept your IMF loans/aid, and we should have kept some of our nukes. We should have developed in a different way politically, economically and militarily.

Hindsight is always 20/20. Now what about foresight?

By continuing to take advantage of Ukraine whenever you can, you’re turning friends of America into a scarce commodity here.

The more Ukraine gets raped at home and abroad, the more we Ukrainians will remember it. The more you support our corrupt leaders, the more we’ll resist it. And once the pendulum swings in our favor — in the Ukraine-first favor — we’ll try to do it right. We’ll try not to repeat the mistakes of the Orange era.

Ukraine (the world’s #1 pisseful nation) made headlines at the Nuclear Servility Summit.

After nuking Ukraine’s Constitution, President Yanukovych swapped a few bombs’ worth of enriched uranium for a sniff of support from Washington, plus change.

Who says free trade doesn’t work?

Some Ukrainian Americans (who obviously identify with Ukrainian culture but American interests) gave Yanukovych a warm welcome.

I don't blame you for praising the man's “чудові ідеї” (great ideas). After all, it’s a zero-sum game: You keep your nukes, we give up ours. You support our government, we suffer from it. You win, we lose.

Do the math: The president of Poland used a medium-range Soviet Tu-154 made in 1990. By contrast, Yushchenko had inherited a fleet of six jets: from aging Soviet Tu’s and Il’s to a Ukrainian Аn-74TK-300VIP made in 2003.

In 2007, Yushchenko purchased a long-range Airbus A319 — complete with bars, bedrooms and showers — at an estimated taxpayer cost of $40-$60M. Meanwhile, Libya and the UAE ordered two medium-range An-74’s from Ukraine at a cost of $12M apiece.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

If you’re a post-Soviet-born Ukrainian who lives in Ukraine, you better learn Russian. Why? Because the Russians, Russified Ukrainians and some other people who have lived in Ukraine for generations don’t want to learn Ukrainian. Fair enough?

Take the National Television Company of Ukraine (NTCU). Neither its president, Yevhen Benkendorf, nor its vice president, Walid Harfouch, speaks Ukrainian.

Education Minister Dmytro Tabachnyk does speak Ukrainian, and God knows how much he hates it. In a bid to preserve the legacy of Russification, he wants to stop mandatory dubbing of foreign language movies into Ukrainian.

He has already revoked mandatory Ukrainian language exams for students completing their bachelor degrees. He says it’s the European way.

No more Institute of National Security Problems No more National Institute of International Security No more interministerial NATO membership preparations сcommissionNo more Euro-Atlantic integration centerNo more rallies without arrests

That’s an old idea championed by the Kremlin and shared by millions of elderly and Russified Ukrainians in and outside of our government.

Those who oppose the idea (such as the Belarusian ambassador to Russia, who supports a customs union only) can go where the sun don’t shine. The Kremlin doesn't mince words.

What's in it for Ukraine? No more silly borders issues. No more borders. No more Ukraine.

Meanwhile, Strobe Talbott tells Ukraine that non-alignment (read: alignment with Russia) doesn’t work. WTF? Has the Russia-first desk run out of vodka? Have you guys been playing a sobering version of the domino theory?

Maybe you could use Obama’s “reset button” and Clinton’s “sweet harvest” to keep the dominoes from falling?