“A FACE ON THE WALL”

Michael Schlimazl and Jacob Schlemihl have just settled into a messy office in the Bronx. They have invested all their savings in the creation of a consulting firm: ENIGMA CONSULTANTS S. L. Michael is sitting at the desk next to the window. Jacob drinks a soda sitting in a chair by the door.

-Are you sure this will work, Michael?

-Of course, Jacob. New York is full of strange phenomena. We won’t lack clients, I assure you.

Someone knocks on the door with knuckles.

-Aha! What did I say?

-Yes, you were right. The truth is that I didn’t doubt at any time, you know. As you say, New York is full of phenomena …

Michael interrupts him:

-Jacob

-What?

-Don’t you think it would be convenient to open the door to clients when they knock at the door? Maybe that’s the secret to making money with a consultancy.

Jacob rushes to open the door. He opens it all of a sudden when the client is knocking again. The result is that Jacob receives a strong knock on the forehead and falls unconscious. The corpulent woman who caused the accident, ignores Jacob passing over him, and sits in front of Michael on the other side of the table.

-What can we do for you, madame?

-I have a problem

-We all have problems. The question is: Is your problem enigmatic?

-Define “enigmatic”

-It doesn’t matter. We accept your case.

The woman gets up and gestures for him to follow her. She goes back over Jacob and leaves the office followed by Michael, who has picked Jacob up and tries to wake him up by slapping him.

-What happened?

-The lady has powerful knuckles.

Half an hour later, Michael and Jacob are looking very closely at a yellow wall. “What is the problem supposed to be?” Michael asks. “One face appears” the woman responds. Jacob turns to her with a stupor face: “Where? On the wall?!”

-Don’t get too close. It is better distinguished from a distance

The two consultants recoil and then see it clearly: a yellow face observes them carefully from the wall.

-What do you say to that?

-Wow!

-Gee!

-Is that all you have to say? What kind of consultants are you?

Michael adopts the professional attitude of a financial consultant: “Oh, this is a very common phenomenon in old houses. Monsters live behind the walls. No need to worry. We will fix it. You go to the park to feed the pigeons and, as soon as you return, the monster will have disappeared.”

When they are left alone, Michael and Jacob gawk at the face of the wall. Then they hear a deep voice say: “What are you looking at, idiots?”. Jacob looks around dumbfounded: “Who said that?”. Michael points to the wall.

-No shit!

-I’m afraid so

-It’s not possible, Michael. Walls don’t speak!

-But what about the monsters in the walls?

Then they hear again the deep voice: “Who are you calling a monster, asshole?”

-It’s an ill-mannered wall, Michael. Always insults when it speaks

-Don’t listen to it. It tries to provoke us

Again the deep voice resounds: “Dullard!”. Jacob kicks the face of the wall, but it not only absorbs the blow but the foot that has given it. Jacob desperately tries to free his foot from inside the wall. Michael comes to his aid and pulls his friend. Suddenly, the foot comes off and both fall to the ground.

-I told you not to listen to it!

-It’s just that it called me “dullard”, Michael

Are you going to be offended by what a wall tells you?

-But that wall, it must be someone. Otherwise, it would not speak

-Well thought. It could be that someone was hiding in there. Just as it absorbed your foot, it could have absorbed someone

-Someone very ill-mannered

Michael approaches the wall and exclaims: “Anyone there?” “Of course there is someone (the face of the wall answers) Do you think you’re talking to a wall, idiot?” “Who do I talk to, then?” “My name is Philip Lebobsky.” Michael whispers something to Jacob’s ear, then go back to the wall.

-Ha, ha! I don’t think you’re Philip Lebobsky. You are no more than a talking wall.

From the wall emerges a hand that Michael hastens to grab. In turn, Jacob grabs Michael and both pull hard until they fall to the ground followed by a guy with a sullen face.

-Trickster!

The guy gets up and intends to return to his hiding place. Michael calls Jacob: “Don’t let it get back into the wall!” Jacob pursues him, but Lebobsky dives into the wall. “Damn it”, Michael laments. He is getting nervous: “Mrs. Radish is about to return and we haven’t fix it yet”. “And what are we going to do?” asks Jacob who comes very close to the face of the wall to look at it carefully. The face of the wall throws a spit.

-Puagh! It has spat on me!

-I already know what we’ll do.

When a quarter of an hour later the woman returns, she contemplates the living room of her house with surprise: all the furniture has been moved. The face of the wall is no longer visible because it is covered by a huge sideboard. “We fixed it!” Michael exclaims, and hands her a piece of paper: “Here is the bill”.