Heading for a big fall!

I am new here, not sure if I needed to add to my first post or start a new one.

The story is that I have been dealing with the mental health center in person and on the phone the last two days. What they offer me in the way of help is beyond ridiculously poor.

I guess you have to be wealthy and have good insurance to get a decent therapist. I saw my therapist last before Thanksgiving and do not get to see her again until the 24th. My medication is not working, I had to go off of it and have talked to the nurse there who communicates with the doctor and I do not get to see her until the 24th.

I was also in the "DBT" group yesterday, which is truly NOT a dbt group that the therapist teaches a damn thing. The group lasts 2 hrs which a total waste of my life, I have given it a chance, but I knew the first day that she did not have any training to teach this class at all. I listed yesterday 10 things within an hour consisting of very negative statements about behaviors that people with borderline personality disorder do. Or as she calls us, BPD'ers. She has done this every class, this was the second time I just took notes of her negative comments. So after after hour, feeling in desperate need of help and this was what I was getting, I was about to burst and I finally spoke up. I told her, in front of the whole group that I had listed 10 very negative comments that she had made, some twice about us and that I feel like I am going down a black hole, not to return and asked how was this supposed to be helpful? (to me or anyone for that matter). I am court ordered to go to this class or I would be arrested. I am seriously thinking about saying "F" the whole place.

Then I just started crying and saying that I felt like things were really going downhill for me and I didn't know what to do. I also mentioned how my sister had basically ditched me before Christmas and yelled at me when I was in ICU after an overdose in September which devastated me. After all the crap she has shoveled at me which I believe is because of my mental illness, I am done with her, but that does not make it hurt less.

I digress, the therapist responded only to say that "I thought YOU were trying to end your relationship with your sister". Yes I was, but that does not make her any less of a bitch and the therapist had no comment to make about my comments about the class. She actually just looked shell shocked. She is the therapist on call, did not offer to talk to me and I asked her if my therapist had contacted her about seeing me since I had not seen anyone in so long and am basically in a crisis. She just said no and left.

Today, I talked with the nurse, because she asked me to call her after taking my blood pressure for a week because Lexapro was raising it. It is ok now, but the med was just making me feel worse, I have had an antidepressant make me more depressed, so I am not shocked. I tried to talk to her about getting some help because I feel like I could easily be in the hospital right now, but am avoiding that at all costs. She tried to explain away that the mental health center is doing the best they can and that my therapist has 200 patients/clients.

Oh, so its either the hospital or nothing? How screwed up is that? I cannot afford $40 co-pays per visit for an individual therapist. There has to be something between nothing and a $15,000 hospital bill. Plus they treat you like you are retarded, not depressed. Like a child, etc. Threatening, controlling your bed time and silly groups that don't help. There is no individual therapy.

So the way I see it, I have no access to any decent therapy. How much can you really accomplish in one hour a damn month.

I feel completely doomed and that there is no hope for me. I feel myself heading downward and there is no help anywhere for me. I sure do not want to live in a damn hospital while I pay rent and everything for an apartment. Staying there more than a week is no fun and really not an option for long term. So I am just screwed.

What hope is there for me. I think a person with borderline needs support for the rest of their life and I was told that by a good psychiatrist and I do realize that myself. The really fucked up thing is that this is all about money, my lack of it. I am on disability and medicare. I am not sure how much longer I can make it. If I get the impulse to take an overdose, it is DONE!

Same for me. Anything over a 3 out of 5 and it was too late to help. When I get bad I try the mindfulness stuff first. I stand under the shower for ages and just feel the water on my face. I do puzzles and things that have to occupy my mind and my hands. Anything to take my mind off how I am feeling. My therapist also tried to get me to describe, out loud to myself, something in the room I was in. Describe what it looks like, how it feels etc etc. Have you tried doing any of those sorts of things?

Don't know if you are still having internet probs ... or if I'm waffling on about stuff you're not interested in ... ?

I don't know if you remember but part of the distress tolerance is Acceptance. Acceptance of whatever situation you are in. Accepting that you have to do this course or you'll be arrested. The DBT teacher may not be the best teacher in the world, but she may know her stuff. Once you've accepted that you have to complete the course, why not give it a go (be Willing) and try to take something from it.

Distress Tol is also about soothing. Finding small things that are nice for you. Eating something nice in a mindful way (taste). Trying to relax in a bath (touch). Listening to music you enjoy (hear). Find something that uses as many senses as possible and focus on them. I know that's not easy when you are in a crisis situation but I was always told to just do these things and not fight them.

Also you need to try to distract yourself. Use the "ACCEPTS" and "IMPROVE" the moment. I'm can always PM you and talk you through them if that may help. Sometimes it used to help when my therapist would go over them with me when I was distressed. Can't promise they will work but they could be worth a try.

I am so sorry Butterfly, the internet kept going in and out. So I got frustrated and gave up. Thanks for trying to help. I think what affects me tremendously is the lack of an antidepressant that works. I have not had any luck ever on finding one that works, except Cymbalta for a few years and then it started raising my blood pressure if the dose was high enough to help my depression. It is very discouraging. I would almost use the lower dose but cannot afford it now. I am trying to accept that I have to go to this group, but I fear retribution when I go back. I did something to disturb some anal person that works there by leaving the door open to the outside, I was standing in it, for about 3 minutes just to get fresh air, so when we came back from break the therapist said we could not have any more smoke breaks so the smokers will be bitching I am sure. I seem to have an amazing talent for stirring up trouble! I did not know that was a rule, I was not told that and there was no sign anywhere. Geez. Again thanks for the reminders. I took an allergy pill earlier hoping it will help me sleep. I think something is wrong physically, but it may be just anxiety.

No worries. My internet has moments like that too. I hope you got some sleep in the end. Keep trying with the DBT - apparently the more you put into it, the more you get out of it. It does help me sometimes. Good luck.

I also have BPD and I was in your situation a few weeks ago,
I'm SO sorry you are going through this!
Yes, hospital is not always helpful.. especially if you have to pay so much

do you have any other support? such as friends, or other family members , apart from your sister?

Please please, do not give up yet, one of the most important things aside from therapy is the medication.
Have you or can you go back and get your medication reviewed? as an emergency appointment?
I'm sorry I don't know how things work where you live, as i'm in the UK.

I also agree with butterfly, it's so important to keep yourself occupied with something as much as you can during crisis