Hello Everyone c:

Alright so, I was a bit weary joining this forum since I don't ever really use forums, and it's weird to just come on here in a cry for help since usually when I talk to nee people for the first time it consists of fake smiles and a false display of enthusiasm xP
I am extremely depressed, unhealthy, and moderately suicidal. I need professional help but I have no way of getting any since my mom is too lazy to help me with that and I don't have the money or transportation to do it on my own. Everyday is a huge struggle and battle for me. I so badly want to get better but all I can ever think abouy is suicide :c
I have been depressed for about a year and a half now, but it didn't get severe until April, and I keep getting worse by the day. I used to have a best friend who meant the world to me- I loved her so much. And she used to feel I meant the world to her, at least I thought >__< She used to keep me healthy because she cared about me so much I always bettered myself for her, and I was happy enough with her in my life that I could pull through my extreme depressed days and she alwys talked me out of suicide. But one day she just suddenly started ignoring me, wouldn't talk to me at all. This went on for a week until I finally got her to speak to me, and she told me she could no longer speak with me, that she promised her friend she wouldn't. She turned into like a whole different person and said the most cruel, hurtful things to me. She ended our friendship during that same conversation and clearly plans to never speak to me again. This happened over a week ago I think. And I jdt cannot cope with it. It's destroying me so badly every day. She was the only thing I had, and she was so wonderful and so perfect I just can't stand her being gone. But not only is she gone, but I now know how horribly she thinks of me when all this time she said she loved me like family.
Originally I planned on dying after what she did to me, but I lept myself in one peice because her other friend got ditched too, so I needed to be there for her. She would have been far more crushed if she lost both of us at once. I don't know what to do, I'm hanging on by a thread and I so badly want professional help :c But I can't get it. I am trying so hard to move on and forget about that girl but I can't. She was the center of my life really... No one understands me or cares about me like she did. I just don't see how life can be worth it anymore.
Another big problem is my health. I have a job that I just got, and I am completely new to it. I am terrified for when my training is over becauze I can't remember anything. This depression is doing a huge number on my memory. I've <Mod Edit: Methods> a couple of times and I'm so scared that it's a huge cause for aome of my health concerns right now. I'm constantly dizzy, forgetful, and can't concentrate on anything. How could I possibly keep up this job when I'm like this?
I feel so darn hopeless every single day. I don't have any one in my real life that goes through anything I do >__< I need people in my real life but I can't just make that happen. No one is gonna want to be feiends with a ball of depressing energy. Everytime I open up to people, it scared them away as if all I become is depression and they no longer see past my good qualities. Like there is a lot of good stuff about me. I'm an artist, I have a good sense of humour, I do archery, I've worked with horses, I tend to be considered the "life of a party" but the second I confide in someone, they suddenly don't see any of my good qualities anymore. I feel like I'm losing my identity to depression. I used to be an extremely optimistic, cheerful, and upbeat girl before I got depressed. And now I'm the opposite... Well, in public I still fake smiles and that bubbly personality I used to have, so no one ever expects how miserable I actually am.

I hope you feel welcome here. Accessing professional care is problematic, at least in the USA. I've trouble with this issue also. Unfortunately this forum cannot substitute for in-person help. But there are people here who will relate to what you are experiencing.

Hello SolDragon, I hope, that talking to people here will help you at least a little. I think that I have often in my life pushed people away from me because I confided in them too much or too intensely. So I related to much of what you wrote and I hope that writing it out helped you to feel better.