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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

4 Manly-man steps to Killing a Grizzly Bear With Your Bare Hands

1: Neutralize the potentially fatal bite of the grizzly by jamming your right arm and fist down its throat.

2: Proceed to bite it into unconsciousness on the neck.

3: Club it to death with a large, heavy stick.

4: Beat you chest, breath fire, then back to the pub for some beer, chips and sex.

Ok, so number four is unconfirmed (although wildly plausible) but its omission from the list in no way lessens the sheer ball-numbing lunacy of this particular attack strategy.

I feel little shame in admitting that my own stratagem, when coming face to face with an angry bear, would be to immediately soil myself in every imaginable way, then blindly hope that the beast is driven away by the overwhelming odour.

I challenge anyone to admit that his or her response would be any different.

“I poop pinecones. Bears hate pinecones.”

C. Dale Peterson, however, being a man of excessive awesomeness, decided that his first and most effective offensive act would be to feed his right arm to the monster. Was Peterson trying to even the odds? Did the bear appear malnourished? Perhaps Pat’s first plan of attack was to remove the offending mammal’s beating heart through its own gaping maw. Whatever the reason, here is a man who considered being eaten a tactical advantage!