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Dr Shallow? Was always recited to us by my Tipp-born mother in a Montenotte accent

The Tooth

I once had an old tooth which not only refused to masticate, but it also
prevented me from using my healthy ones. So one day I said to myself, "To
ache or not to ache?" The question was, "Is it nobler to suffer in my poor
jaw the pangs of this outrageous tooth, or to take up a pincers against
this tooth of trouble, take it out and put an end to it. Dental surgery I
devotedly desired. So I went to a neighboring town, and as I was passing
down South Main Street I saw marked on the conspicuous part of a door:

Then says I to myself, "I'm all right now anyway. I'll step in a while and
see if Doctor Shallow is deep enough to get under this old tooth of
mine." So I now went in and I spoke to him as follows. I said,

"The devil of fear," says he.
"You can open your mouth for me at a year," says he.
"But be careful when eating tough maet," says he.
"Or indulging in fiery debate," says he.
"And in the case of peril," says he.
"Be careful from kissing the girls," says he.

Anyway I got the old tooth out and the new one in as I thought. Home I
came, and I had a gurnard* for the supper. And the very first bite I ate,
out popped my tooth on the plate. In again I went next day, vexed enough
you may be sure. And I spoke to Doctor Shallow as follows:

"Doctor Shallow, my jewel," says I.
"You take me to be an ass or a fool," says I.
"To think for the truth," says I.
"That you gave me a genuine tooth," says I.
"I went home last night," says I.
"With a heart as light as a bee," says I.
"With visions of gladness before my eyes," says I.
"And the very first bite I ate,
Out popped my tooth on the plate.
Now I come in again," says I.
"For you to fork me out my ten," says I.
"And if you don't," says I.
"Informations I'll swear," says I.
"I'll take you before the Lord Mayor," says I.
"Where you'll be committed to jail," says I.
"And the devil of fear you'll get bail," says I.

"You're a damned impertinent fellow," says he.
"To think that your paltry self," says he.
"A distinguished man like himself," says he.
"Would stain his illustrious name," says he.
"A name that in after times," says he.
"Will ring through every clime," says he.
"I made teeth galore, then more," says he.
"And a thousand men more than a score," says he.
"And never before was such a charge brought to my door," says he.
"So if you wouldn't at once be off," says he.
"I'll put you right out on your nose," says he.
"And you can go look for the law where you chose," says he.

"Doctor Shallow, my rogue," says I.
"Beware the top of my brogue," says I.
"I'll land you into your Kingdom Come," says I.
"For the tearing you gave my gum," says I.
"You villain, you rogue, and you scat," says I.
"That yourself and your own teeth may rot," says I.
"That your bones may be shredded to fine powder," says I.
"And that every roar may be louder and louder," says I.
"Like the roar of a burning mountain," says I.
"That you might never have much in your larder," says I.
"And if you ever partake of a gurnard," says I.
"That your stomach may be sure to return it," says I.

A pistol he drew from his pocket.
Saying, "I'll blow you up like a rocket.
"Show me your back at once," says he.
"Or if you don't," says he.
"I'll swear by all the books on my shelf," says he.
"You pulled out the tooth yourself," says he.

"Well," says I to myself. "There's no use in having anything to do with
such a cod."
Home I came scratching my pole.
I put the tooth back into the hole.
Says my wife to me, says she,
"It might last till the end of your days."
Her knowledge and skill I shall ever praise
For the tooth is as firm as the first days.
_______________________________

Comment

I can imagine any number of aunts of mine* getting great tandem from reciting that one, being egged on by the rest as they sat in the kitchen of the old family farmhouse, each clutching a hot Powers containing the obligatory slice of lemon studded with cloves, the five of them stretching their identically stockinged feet towards the open door of the oven in the turf-burning range that was as hot as a furnace ...

* I'd plenty of uncles too, but they tended to have less to say for themselves.

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