Category: Relationships with Others

My x-husband knows the way to get to the emotions of women, especially me. At least now, after being divorce for almost 2.5 years, I am realizing the horrendous extent of his manipulation and deceit.

[For privacy reasons I will be called “K” and my x-husband is called “SW2”.]

After I discovered he was an extreme sex addict (I found out on my birthday that he had been with over 100 people, mostly men, that he “hooked-up” with on Craigslist) he said he wanted to change his ways and went into a sex recovery program for 30 days. Upon completing the program he said an email to a Pastor:

Pastor J,

I am writing to you because the Holy Spirit moved me to tears when I listened to a podcast of your “Good Man” sermon from December 2011.

I had been anything but a good man during my marriage. My wife K and I recently went through a divorce in December ending our 7 1/2 year marriage as a result of my infidelity, and sex addiction. I became entangled in the death grip of satan loosing my moral compass, my integrity, my happiness, and ultimately my beautiful wife and family of 3 children, all in the pursuit of a self-serving, self centered obsession with having risky anonymous sex with men and woman. The things I chased were mere dust compared to the golden treasure I ignored at home.

Now I have lost everything. K tries to love me again, but can not find the trust to reinvest in a relationship with me. I feel the pain I have caused K and our family, as well as my parents. The sadness is overwhelming, and pray constantly for God to heal the wounds I’ve caused. We are both saved, and born again, accepting our Lord Jesus Christ as our Savior, knowing that He died for us to cleanse us of our sins, so that we may receive salvation in His glory.

I know God can make all things right with his loving hand and healing power if we seek him. I am tormented by the pain I have caused, and am prayerfully turning to you for spiritual counsel to save and rebuild our relationship, so that we can one day K and I may join together as testament to God’s healing power, forgiveness, redemption, and salvation.

In complete surrender to God,

SW2

For 9 months he tried to win me back under the disguise of religion. “I am saved”, “I am born again”. In the fall I decided to start seeing my x-husband, with great hesitations of course, and within weeks he “changed” back to his “dark side”. I discovered that he was having a relationship with a woman he met when picking up our son after school. Can you believe?? Even after I discovered that he was with another woman he then wanted to continue a relationship with me AND with her at the same time. The final curtain call is when he came to my house one evening, professing his undying love for me, that he wanted to re-marry me, and re-dedicate his life to me. I didn’t respond to him….just listened. Then…the very next day I found out he was with her. I WAS DONE …for good.

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I have been doing a lot of reading lately; I feel like I am taking a psychology class in college, lol. Good Lord the more I am away from my x-husband the more clarity I am getting on what life was like “with” him. Even though I am not physically with him I still feel he is mentally creeping in. Reading about ‘spiritual chord breaking’ and in my journey of breaking free so to speak I am discovering that….I am really a sane, compassionate, motherly, kind, and generous person. I am good. I am not crazy. Wow, just writing the words relieves so much anxiety.

So in the past week I keep wondering why the heck I can’t seem to let go of him. I have NO more fantasies of the person ‘I thought he was’ coming back to me; you see he never existed. He was a phantom. If you start googling ‘relationship phases with a psychopath’ you will see the first phase of a relationship with one is ‘idealization’.

When I first met my x-husband it was a whirlwind romance. Seriously, like something out of a movie. Most people were excited for me but there were a few that said “There is something not quite right with him“; “He has a weird energy“; and even “I think he is gay“. I ignored any and all the warnings. In my reading one of the blogs I came across, “Psychopaths and Love” they describe the idealization phase: “The psychopath lures you with charm, attention, hypnosis and other covert emotional manipulation tactics. He will say anything to get what he wants because he’s a pathological liar, and what he wants at this point is to win your love and trust. His loving persona is based completely upon lies. Even so, you’ll believe that you’re “soul mates” because he’s able to present himself as your perfect mate.”

My x-husband oh how he has the charm. He is/was extremely well-groomed and looks like a Calvin Klein model. A striking chiseled face and glowing skin. I could share anything with him. He understood me. I disclosed things about my past that I never shared with anyone before. I was enchanted and enamored with him…I became addicted to him. I didn’t realize that I was/am addicted to him until a couple of days ago. Once I read another woman’s story Discarded: One Mother’s Journey with a Psychopath by Indie Mom the light dawned on me that I was/am addicted to him. Finally after 10+ years was starting to make sense.

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It has been an extremely long time since I posted on my blog. Way too long. SO many things have changed but for the better but initially it wasn’t. I am now divorced…and I have discovered that after being divorced for almost 18 months that the majority of my depression was in direct the effect of living with a Psychopath. I always knew that my x-husband had a personality disorder but after experiencing even more trauma post-divorce I now know the extreme abuse was from him and what I actually experienced.

You see, I never used to be so extremely depressed, full of anxiety, and full of fear. I just started reading the book: Psychopath Free by Peace. I have to admit I am not a reader by nature but last night I read 96 pages and it described my life to a “T”. Seriously, I felt I was reading my very own words. You see I isolated…for years. Hid in the darkness (both physically and emotionally) thinking I was the one that had the problem..but Holy S**t, I did not.

“When dealing with liars & manipulators, we often find ourselves playing “detective”. This is your intuition telling you that something is deeply wrong with the individual you’re investigating. For some reason, their actions never seem to match up with their words. You find them constantly making excuses and blaming others, even though their stories never actually add up. You become lost in confusing conversations that somehow result in you being labeled jealous, sensitive, and paranoid. But when all is said and done, you will look back on every single instance where they called you “crazy” and realize that they were lying to your face. Every excuse was covering up yet another con, infidelity, or even a completely pointless lie (the ones they do for fun). Psychopaths are skilled at covert abuse, leading you on a scavenger hunt that makes you doubt everything about your once easy-going nature.”- from the Psychopath Free Facebook Page.

You see I met my x-husband on an e-dating site and my ID name was “SimpleGirlAlways”. Very shortly after marriage he would make fun of the name and mock me saying that I was so filled with drama, that I deceived him. The key word here is projection. He was the one injecting the drama, abuse, and honestly terror.

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Well my mood has spiraled way day in just 8 hours. Completely down. HALT is an acronym commonly used in step programs. H-Hungry; A-Angry; L-Lonely; T-Tired. I have all of these feeling right now.

Hungry-I am hungry but am so nauseous I can’t eat.

Angry- I am angry- but this time at myself. So very angry. I usually get angry at others but I am just so angry with myself. I am angry for making so many bad decisions. My sponsor, who has the best advice, asked me if I can change the past. Very practical question and the answer is no. I am still angry

Lonely- Don’t get me wrong I have my kids which I love so dearly. I am lonely because of bad decisions.

I LOVE the idea of having a “Wellness Journal”. Most of the time when I write it is about getting all of the crap outside of my head. A wellness journal is a book that you put together of positive things that you can look at when you are feeling depressed. It’s is like having a shield around you helping you to focus on positive thoughts instead of negative ones.

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Fear. We all have them and some of them are “black and white”. I fear bats, clowns, and wooden nutcrackers (you know-the ones that come out at Christmas, they FREAK me out-LOL!). …But I also have much deeper routed fears. They are:

Fear of abandonment.

Fear of getting hurt.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of someone taking away something or someone.

I question my decision making process and quite frankly so do others. I sometimes hear: “Why would you do X if X happened?”, “Why do you continue to do X?”

When making business decisions I take the bull by horns so speak, get things done, and get stuff ‘a movin’ & a shakin’ (this is how I talk sometimes-lol). Yes, I have to admit that I have been successful in some business endeavors…personally..I have not. My little head is filled with all sorts of if’s, and’s, and buts, (LIKE big buts, and I don’t mean the booty kind!). I make myself tired just “treading the water”.

I just discovered a great blog called “The Positivity Blog“. The title of blog post I came across was appropriately named “5 life-changing keys to overcoming your fears“. You have to read this post! What stood out to me was the following sentence: ‘To change yourself and overcoming fear you have to be prepared and willing to redefine yourself.”

Redefine myself. Hmmm. Where do I begin? I need a HUGE u-haul truck (maybe an 18-wheeler) to redefine me….but it HAS TO BE DONE. Many of you might of heard of the “12 Step Program” and it usually is associated with Alcoholic Anonymous. I admit right now that: I have been 7 years sober and only made it through steps 1-3 and reading and I. REPEAT. READING Step 4. I just read it- that’s all. Step 4 : Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Ladies and gentlemen I just had a “Ah-ha” moment. I never did step 4 therefore I never did steps 5-12.

I know I have a long road ahead of me and I know I HAVE to do these things:

Find a sponsor that will guide me through the 12 Steps.

Call my therapist (who I cut off a couple of weeks ago-blog post later on that) and be CANDID- completely. No b’sing her either.

Get back to church.

Do you have fear of changes? If so please share and if something has helped you overcome your fear I would love to hear it.

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Even though I am an author I don’t read. Period. I just don’t do it. I have all the intentions of reading and have a host full of new books collecting dust. In June, as a matter of fact, June 6th (my youngest son’s birthday) I purchased a book called “Let it Go” by T.D.Jakes. T.D. Jakes is a New York Times bestselling author of Reposition Yourself, Making Great Decisions” (and no, I haven’t read it).

I clearly remember the night of June 6th. Hysterically crying, over-tired, and emotionally spent. I have had some serious issues with a family member for quite some time and was in a struggle with emotions of anger, forgiveness, betrayal, and what I thought God wanted me to do. I popped onto Amazon.com and honestly don’t know what I searched. It was probably one of those great marketing methods of “Related Products” that show up based on your previous history purchases (like right Kelly…all the other self-help books that you have NEVER read-lol). I ordered the book, it arrived, and it has been inside the drawer of my coffee table until today, when I needed a coaster for my coffee it was shoved in the back under a bunch of papers. Do you think that sometimes some things happen at a certain time for a reason? I do.

[ As a side note- I am just starting this blog and you will see me mention God a lot. There is no intention on my part to force my beliefs on you however if it does move you towards God that is fine too. 🙂 ]

I guess you can say this week I had a “spiritual awakening”. I thought I had one before and if you have ever attended Alcoholics Anonymous you will hear that phrase. Realizing today how very selfish I have been in the past I can now honestly admit that I have and had a hard time accepting that I have done wrong. I have done some things that will affect others for a very long time. I was meant to find that book today…I just know it. Part of the summary of the book says: “The spiritual truth he explores in Let it Go concerns forgiveness and why it is important for those on the receiving end of wrongful behavior as well as those who commit acts of wrongdoing. This book explores forgiveness as an idea and at the same time offers specific and clear actions for readers who seek to apply the idea in their daily lives. Offenses are a part of life, he says. But conflicts can be resolved and relationships do have a future, if we learn how to forgive.”

Some powerful stuff, huh? I have A LOT to learn. I feel like a newborn again..a newborn in re-discovering that my actions in many ways have been wrong. I need to re-learn so many things and I know I will stumble along the way but I can honestly say I will move forward being humble and with the focus of others first. Two things I need to do is to start getting back to reading the Bible and also to start reading this book. I will certainly put my insomnia to good use!