Thursday, December 4, 2008

Another Story, Not My Own (Lost Boy, Part II)

My heart hurts about this. It hurts more than I expected it to. I started this search on behalf of my mother; I agreed to do it because she wanted it, because she wanted to know how his life had unfolded after she lost him, because she wanted to know this without putting her own heart at risk. I agreed to do it because I didn't want her to put her heart at risk. I offered up my own, thinking that it would not be so vulnerable. I thought that, because this was not my story, my own story, that my heart would be safe.

It was not safe. It was not safe at all.

I have put notices in newspapers. I have explored alumni associations. I have researched the extended family of his natural father. I have followed all of the leads sent to me by caring and concerned readers. I have found nothing. That I have found nothing is a source of some significant frustration, but it's not the sole reason that my heart is hurting. My heart is hurting because it does not know what it wants. Or, more truthfully, because it doesn't know whether it is right to want what it wants.

My mother does not know what her heart wants. I've known this from the beginning. It's the reason that I'm looking for her son, my brother, the brother I have never known, on her behalf. She's afraid of what she would discover. She's afraid of discovering that he wants nothing to do with her. She's afraid of discovering that he's dead. She's afraid because she's not sure which of these represents the worst outcome.

She's afraid because she would be looking for a window onto a future that she gave up. She's afraid of what she might see, looking through that window. I assumed that I would face no such fear - that future, that hypothetical, long-rejected future, has, or had, nothing to do with me. This child - now a man - was her child; this child was part of a life that she lived long before I came along. His existence matters to me only inasmuch as he shares my blood, and inasmuch as he once had claim upon my mother's heart. My interest, here, has only been to do something that might put my mother's heart at rest, to help her find what the paperback self-help books have long called 'closure.' I wanted to help her find some conclusion - happy or otherwise - to this long cliff-hung story. So I have only ever said: my heart wants what is best for my mom.

When I visited my family back home some weeks ago, I told my father what I was doing.

So, I said, as he drove me to the airport. So. I'm helping Mom find the boy she gave up for adoption.

- Oh?

Yeah. She told me all about it. And I told her I'd help her. She doesn't want to do it herself. So I'm doing it.

Silence.

I don't think it'll be that difficult. The Internet, you know.

- What does your mom think of this?

She asked me, so. I shrugged.

Silence.

- You remember when I found my father?

I did remember. I was seventeen years old at the time, and we made a special trip to St. Catherine's to see him. He was an old man, and unpleasant. At the time, I put my distaste down to the fact that I was seventeen and he was old and smelled bad and said creepy things like give me some sugar.

- It was terrible. He was terrible. Your mother wouldn't let him near you.

I had a vague memory of being hurried out of the house and taken to the mall. At the time, it seemed an entirely reasonable thing. I liked malls. But I remembered, too, my father's distress after that visit, and the depression that he sunk into, and the damage that caused to my parent's marriage...

- I wish I hadn't found him.

We both stared out the front window. The road was wet, slick from rain.

- I just hope... I would just hope that your mother, that she isn't disappointed. That she doesn't get hurt. He glanced in my direction. This could hurt her.

When I arrived home, I called my mother. Are you sure you want me to do this? Because, I won't do it if you're not sure.

She paused. I'm sure.

Okay, I said. Okay. My father's cautions could be set aside, if she wanted this. Well, remember what we talked about? If I have a copy of your birth certificate, I can make an application to Vital Statistics to find out his name. It'll be pretty straightforward then.

I'll send it this week.

That was weeks ago.

I've reminded her, now and again, to send the birth certificate; I've told her about my efforts with newspaper ads and search engines and she makes supportive noises and when I say but once I send in the request for his name from Vital Statistics, the search will be much easier, she clucks and says of course and I'll get it in the mail this week. But she never does.I know that she's ambivalent. I know that her heart is torn. I know that she aches to know what became of that tiny baby in the blue blanket - the baby she refused to hold for fear that she would never let go - but that she recoils at the prospect of gaining knowledge that would bring her pain. I know that she's afraid of getting hurt. And if I were a good daughter, if I were a sensitive daughter, I would hold to her pace. I would stand back and allow her to test the water and decide whether she dares to take the step that will plunge her into the unknown. If I were a good daughter, if I were a selfless daughter, I would not prod and nag.

But I am not selfless. I do prod and nag. Gently, of course, but still. I can't leave it alone. Because my heart is in this now, and although it wavers when I think of my mother's ambivalence and my father's fears, it wants this. It wants to find that baby boy, my brother. It wants to know how this story ends. It claims that story, if only in part, as its own. As my own.

And so my heart aches that my efforts have been for naught. My heart aches - my spirit aches - for this story to move forward so that I can find my brother and know my brother - whatever that looks like - and piece together the missing chapters of our lives.

But however much I try to convince myself that this is my story, it is not my story - or, if it is, it is only tangentially my story - and the person to whom this story belongs is, I think, unnerved by its unfolding. Even if she cannot bring herself to admit it, even if she does not demand -even if she does not wish to demand - that we close these pages, this story frightens her. I know this. And so, and so...

I don't know how to go on. Do I follow my own heart, or do I concern myself first and only with protecting hers? Can I do both?

60 Comments:

Can I help you? I'm really good at this stuff. Do you know I found my brothers after 20 years apart, that they'd never heard my name, that they had to ask their mother who this chick emailing them was? and that the send me emails now that end in "Love, Ian and Kevin"?

on the channel WE there is a show called the Locator. I don't know how true it is but he seems to find people with very little information to go on. here's the link to his page http://www.wetv.com/the-locator/it's worth a try.good luck!

There are too many possible endings to this story to know what is right. But what I have to say is this- anyone who says that abortion is more damaging to a woman than giving up her child for adoption has no idea what he (usually) is talking about.

As an adoptee, I never wanted my biological family to find me; I never wanted to find them. My bio-parents were young, newly married, not able to keep me for whatever reason. I always thought I would be bitter if I ever met them - they gave me up!

But then I became a mother and I realized that it was probably, hopefully* the hardest thing she'd ever done.(*hopefully, in the way that if it wasn't then how horrible a person was she??)

My parents have always encouraged my brother and I to look for our respective bio-parents; we've always declined. Out of respect for them and because "my life is complete" the way it is.

I can't say I'd ever look for her, but if my biological mother ever looked me up, I'd meet her at least once. Same if I have siblings out there. In this world, there's always room for more love, more family.

I understand your mom's ambivalence. He could break her heart all over again. Then again, he could become a part of your lives in a very good way. There is no easy answer.

Honestly, since she came to you, I would take Mr Lady up on her offer. Just because you get the information doesn't mean your mom has to go forward.

My dad was adopted. I have often wished that I could know who my grandmother was. I have always felt drawn to know what happend...why did she give him up. I understand why he has never looked. He is so afraid, I don't think he could handle feeling rejected twice.

About 8 years ago my grandmother reunited with the daughter she gave up for adoption at the age of 17. While it was a very happy thing for her there were a lot of parts to it (I won't get into specifics because it's too personal and probably too boring) that caused a lot of heartache and sadness for a lot of other people. Because of this I always cringe a little bit when I hear about people reuniting with the birth parents/children. I know that it can be a wonderful thing but I also know it can fail to meet all the hopes and expectations put upon it.

I have another bias too though. My son is adopted. I've always told him that if he ever wants to find his birth parents I would help him in any way possible. At the same time I hope they never to to contact him first. As his mother what matters to me is his happiness and well being and I would be upset I felt that someone was pushing him towards something he wasn't ready for or interested in. I guess I feel like someday it will be his choice to make.

Please don't misunderstand. I'm not saying that you're wrong to search. And I'm not saying that your mother is wrong to have mixed feelings. I'm not even sure what exactly I'm trying to say. I just want to wish peace to both you and your mother as you navigate this difficult path. I wish nothing but the best for the two of you and for your brother.

Wow. I think since your mom initiated it, you should certainly go forward. At least YOU could meet your brother, she can take it slowly if she wants to, but the option would then be there and you could feel the situation out for her.

I'm adopted. No one has ever come looking for me. In some ways it is painful to think they don't care enough to at least make sure I am alive or to let me know about any medical history that may have surfaced in the last 45 years.

My next youngest sister looked for her biological parents. She is friends with her mom. Her dad refused to have anything to do with her mostly because he is still angry with her mother for pushing the adoption through.

It's my birthday next week. I would like to think that somewhere there are two people who think about me at least on that one day a year and wish me well. Sometimes I don't think that is the truth though.

anniegirl - I'm totally sharing your comment with my mom, because her whole thing has been 'if he wanted to know me, why didn't he come find ME?' She's thought about him every single day of her life and did not seek him out ONLY because of her fear that he would not want that.

This is a tough one. There are so many emotions involved on all sides.

I was adopted when I was a baby, and I'm 39 now. One of my biggest fears is that someone will knock on my door one day and introduce themselves as my birth parent. It's hard to explain. I can never thank my birth mother enough for doing such a wonderful, selfless thing for me, but I don't think I'd want a relationship with her now. I know that seems cold to a lot of people, and maybe I would feel differently if I felt I was missing something, but I have a wonderful family who loves me. Selfish? Maybe. I don't know.

I'm not suggesting you not try to find him. I'm not sure what my point is, except that I wish you and your mom luck with this. I truly do hope there's a good outcome—no matter what you decide to do.

I don't believe in closure... not really. While things will always remain open and unanswered in many respects, as least she can KNOW. Sometimes that is just enough.

Nobody has ever died from finding or being found. Nobody's life has fallen to pieces, unrepairable, because they find or are found. True, lives will be changed... but they could change just as much, just as quickly, in many other situations as well. Isn't that what makes us human... the capacity to change, grow, and move forward?

What happened to your father, with his father, is awful. He became depressed and struggled... but he was able to say "hello" so he could say "goodbye."

I hope your mom, and you, get to say "hello" even if there is a "goodbye" attached.

I forgot to add... I have two adopted children, 14 and 11. Their mother was in their life the first few years and that has horribly impacted their emotional development. Still, I wonder if they will want to seek her out and ask the questions. I know I would.

So, knowing that if they make the choice when they are older, I will be there, side by side, as they encounter what could have been, what never was, and the pain that will overwhelm them on levels I could never understand.

They will be able to say goodbye... and I hope that, too, will be enough.

Aren't there websites where you can post some sort of info, so if a child is looking for parents, they can find them? (Or did I read this in a novel?) That way, if the child wants contact he can initiate it.

This breaks my heart. I cannot imagine the selflessness that it took for your mom to give up her baby boy. I cannot imagine myself ever being that selfless. I will pray that you can find a peaceful outcome.

I think, with all due respect, you need to let this go for a while. Your Mom maybe be saying "yes", but her lack of action is clearly saying "no". If she truly wanted to find him, ambivalence or not, that birth certificate would have been in the mail. Maybe she is only saying "yes" because she thinks it's so important to you.

These feelings are so complex and are often in direct conflict with one another ... it truly is so difficult to unravel.

I loved this post because it SO explains what all adoptees and first moms feel --- scared to know, scared not to know.

I have three adopted children and they all know their first moms by face and name -- my sister placed a baby 16 years ago and hopes that someday that baby will want to find her --- my brother in law went to find his Birth mom and found out that she was not who he had hoped she would be -- she was a mess ---- so each situation has a different outcome and a different feel. It is hard and there are NO clear cut answers.

It is so hard to comment about this. I am not adopted, but I have adopted siblings. Many of them have said that they hope their biological parents think of them, but that they never come looking for them. They say that they feel their life is complete as it is, and they don't want to know why they were given up, etc. etc.

But your brother may be one of the people who hopes that someone does find him.

It is impossible to know, so I guess you have to follow your heart and do what you think is right. I know that I would want to find my brother. When you do find him, I think you will have to go slow and follow his lead (even though if you are like me, you will want to hug, and hug, and hug him!)

If you mother is online, send her to bmom.net for a book list, helpful information and the directions to join the Sunflower Birthmothers list. If she's waffling, you're right, it's because she's scared. We're all scared when we search for, or are found by, our kids. That link will give the opportunity to gain access to some very caring, knowledgable birthmothers who have been where she is and can help her with all of the feelings that have and will continue to come up as she navigates this thing we call reunion.

The problem is that there are so many possible outcomes... and you can only guess and hope what yours will be. As you can see, many adoptees want/don't want to be found; Many who gave up a child dream of/are horrified by the idea of seeing the child they gave up show up on their doorstep one day. And then throw in extended family members like yourself...so many feelings to add to the mix...

I have no advice. But I wish you well in your search and hope for the best outcome for all of you.

I gave up a baby boy 18 yrs ago. I was young, alone and had nothing to offer. I dreamed for 18 years that he would come find me when he grew up. The adoption was through an attorney, and it was local. I even was able to pick out the parents - just not their identity. It would probably be easy to find him. I am afraid to. I have the attorney's phone number handy at all times so I can call and say, "I am here" if he is looking. I never place that call.

My grandmother shared a very similar story with me a few years ago. Her decision to give up her daughter hurt her deeply, though it was the right thing to do, for her, at the time. When that daughter came looking for her, she was elated but also scared to death to tell her family the secret she had been carrying for 35 years and asking our permission to allow this person into our lives. I remember her crying and apologizing for her mistakes and I remember bursting with more love for her than I can remember feeling ever and letting her know that I wanted nothing more for her than to know this daughter and new grandchildren.

She was lucky that she didn't have to be the one to search. She had been too afraid, too afraid of what her family would think, of us rejecting her or her lost daughter, of losing our love. Her daughter had just wanted to know her story, her past, the reasons why and, in the end, she wanted to know her family. We were very lucky.

In some ways, your own mother could be feeling the same fears that my grandmother had. I don't like to give advice, but honestly, do what your heart wants and respect hers, as well. She shared this lost son of hers with you for a reason.

I have been thinking about this since yesterday. I can't put it out of my mind. My situation is different, but I see a lot of emotional similarities. My father, an undocumented immigrant, was deported two weeks before I was born. My mom once said that she always expected him to come back, but he never did (as far as I know).

I was angry with him for a long time. I always felt like if I was somehow better he would come back.

But then I had children and for the first time ever, I understood what he lost. It was sort of a life-changing moment for me.

I can't know what your brother feels, of course, but I do know that I would do absolutely anything to know my father, to know anyone at all from that part of my family. I wish so much that he would have looked for me. And, although I have never looked for him, it doesn't mean I don't want to know him.

Since your mother is so very ambivalent, maybe it is better to let it rest for now and not put you own longings first, but think of your mother's feelings and worries. The timing may be totally wrong for this to happen now and you must not let it become an obsession for you. Just back away from it for now and let your mother's desires be your guide. It is her story first and foremost. You can't walk in and just take it out of her hands. It is possible that your brother does not want to be found, keep that in mind too.

I don't know you nor your mother and so I could be very wrong with this, but....a theory.

Wouldn't it make sense that she wants you to find him and filter the situation in such a way that you can lie, if it's bad? So if you search on the internet and it turns out he's a mass murderer or dead or hates her, you say nothing, she never knows and it remains a mystery.

If she gives you that paperwork? Then she knows you found something out. Now you can't hide it from her if it's bad.

That's what I would do - set things up in such a way that you can protect me from ever finding out something bad, so that the worst case scenario was that I stayed in exactly the state I was in, not knowing. If I know you know... well, then I have to ask. So I would never, ever, give you that piece of paper that has a guaranteed answer. At that point, I may as well do it myself.

I'd follow your mom's lead. If she sends the information then proceed ahead and do your best to protect from any pain. If she doesn't, then let it rest. She may not be ready to deal with this even if she says she is; her actions are speaking loudly.

Let me share our story. My MIL never told anyone that the year before she married my FIL she gave up a baby at birth. She never knew if it was a boy or a girl. 30 years later she received a phone call, it was her daughter Cindy. She told everyone in the family and a wonderful reunion and meeting came to. The brothers had a sister, and she brothers and SIL's. It was wonderful. Not all the questions were answered though. 1 1/2 years after they met, my MIL passed away. 8 months later, Cindy passed away. We have that time, we and her family have those memories. It wasn't always easy, but it was a blessing and remains a blessing. It isn't always easy but good things and good stories can come from this. Relationships, joy, love and blessings.

Best of luck. I just wanted to share some good experiences from such a situation.

i very recently found my dad via internet after 28 years. he has the most common name ever so i searched for his mother by her maiden name and found him that way. we talked through facebook (i know) for a month, until he said vile and vicious things about my mother that i couldn't reconcile with. so he disowned me. again. but before that i asked why he hadn't ever contacted me, he said he didn't want to disrupt my life. but really he didn't want to face me.

but now i'm not curious. and the rest of his family has welcomed me openly. all in all i think it was worth the long search. (as a child i called people with his name in the phone book to ask if they were my daddy.

i'd say do it if anything for closure. even if its painful its better than never knowing. i will help you if i can. just let me know.

My father is adopted. He searched for his biological parents for some time before I came along. He quit looking, quit thinking about it, quit searching when I was born. He held me in his arms and told himself- I have a family now. I don't need to find a family. I have one, right here in my arms.

As time went on, he became curious again. And he asked me to help. And I did. I did help, and I was working hard. Then my Aunt called. His adoptive sister. She asked me to stop. She begged me to stop. She gave me our medical history from that side. She told me that my father was born in a mental hospital and that his father was a bad, bad man, and that he had lots of brothers and sisters, but that she was afraid for him, for what he would find. His father used to come visit when he was a baby, and even as a baby, my father became so inconsolable in his father's presence that my grandparents forbid him from contacting my father ever again.

If I were you? I would go there and take the cert or make a copy of it and not tell your Mom until you know that telling her what you find, or even that you're looking will be safe for her heart.

I stopped helping my Dad because he was looking for his *father*, and any siblings, and I feared that the pain of it going poorly might crush him forever. He lost his adoptive father when he was 17, I didn't want him losing another father.

Because you're looking for her child, and not her parent, I say you can do both.

My hearts aches for you and your mother...and for your brother. I can't even read all the comments, as I'm tearing up. I'd like to blame it on pregnancy hormones, but it's just such an emotional story. Thank you for sharing more about your search with us and I wish you luck in whatever decision you make.

I can only imagine the extent of grief you are going through, and though I have no experience personally with adoption, I feel compelled to offer my view.

I've read through the above comments, and agree that anniegirl's input may make all the difference to your Mom.

There's also this possibility: You can offer to your Mom, since you are obviously affected by this, too, to try to find your brother for you. And when/if you find him, you can meet him yourself, and if he wants to meet your Mother, and she wants to meet him, then it could happen on their terms.

It shows pretty clear through your words that you are emotionally committed, and I don't know if you've told your Mom that. I realize that such a revelation might put pressure on her, which you don't want to do, but you can still go through with it all for yourself, and tell her she can decide when to meet her son, when you find him.

There are probably other ways to go about this if you want to find him yourself, without adding to your Mother's heartache.

Maybe just expressing your desire to find him so that YOU can meet him, and that you understand her mixed feelings, along with the view that anniegirl presented above, could be enough to get a step closer.

I wish you all the best, and all the luck in the world. I hope that everything will work out beautifully for your family, and that you will look back on this and laugh.

The Any Key - that's basically the arrangement that my mom and I have, but no, I haven't been as frank as I have been here about how emotionally invested I am. She and I need to talk about that, I think. Argh.

I don't have any answer to your specific (final) question : should you follow your own heart, or concern yourself first and only with protecting hers. But you could find out her answer by asking this:

I'm thinking of stopping the investigation (and don't provide your own or what you suspect might be her reason for not following through; don't say why) and seeing her response.If she replies: Oh... please don't. Then I think you have your answer.If she replies: I think that's a good idea, then you also have her answer.

Anon - I would be willing to bet significant sums of money that she'd sigh deeply and then tell me that she doesn't want me to stop, thereby communicating to me that she both wants and does not want this and that I need to decide.

I love life, so deliciously messy and complicated and imperfect! I feel your tears and I know that being on the cusp of this new dicovery can be both painful and tantalizing all at once.

I am envious of you. Yes, it's painful and potentially dangerous to meet someone who shares similar DNA and who unlocks a code to your mother's heart you never knew existed, but it also means understanding! Real understanding. It means life just got richer, deeper, more complicated, more meaningful.

I have no advice to give, but were I given your shoes to walk in a mile or so, here is what I would do next: pursue. Maybe not even to communicate or break that barrier yet, but definitely pursue. You can always sniff the wrapper before you eat the candy. : )

Okay, this post really got to me. About 5 1/2 years ago the son my mom gave up for adoption found us. My brother and I had no idea he existed until he contacted my mom, and she told us about him. It hasn't exactly been smoothe sailing since then, mostly for my mom, giving him up all those years ago affected her in a way no one can truely understand until they have done it. And vice versa. We spend time together, we are actually spending Christmas together this year. It hasn't been a comfortable road, it has been worth it! We are all glad he found us.

I know I have two half sister siblings, I am also adopted. I tired to contact my biological father and got no response, even though I know he received my letter. I don't think about that rejection ALL the time, but I think of it more in terms of take some responsibility for what you created fuckwad. Yes, anger issues. I wish my siblings would seek me out because i AM in the system, but they have to look for me, I cannot look for them because I have already registered with the post-adoption registry here in Alberta. I would want YOU to find me. Honestly, if I was where you are, I would hire a private investigator or some such person. I am still at odds about what to do about my lost paternal "family".