Look at this picture. He can see into your soul. Yes, even now. (Image via Wikipedia)

On my Google home page, I have an app that shows me headlines from the Rolling Stone magazine website. I rarely read any of the articles, mostly because I don’t care what Lady Gaga is doing. A headline just popped up that caught my eye:

Trent Reznor Will Not Work On Abraham Lincoln Vampire Movie

Now, a responsible person would actually read the article to learn the reasons Mr. Reznor will not work on this film. I could not be bothered to do so. In my never-ending quest to make everything about me, even Abraham Lincoln Vampire movies, I am announcing that I too am refusing to work on this particular film.

Lincoln Was A Great Man, But…

As best I can tell, this movie is about Lincoln battling vampires. This is a profoundly stupid premise for a film.

Abe beating some dude like a drum, in a painting available at brandonbird.com (image via laughing squid.com)

Think about what the man was involved in. During his time in office he saved a nation, not yet 100 years old, ripped apart by the issue of slavery. This was a time-consuming task, as you might imagine. It took him years to get it done. He did not have an air force, he did not have the internet, and his cell phone was one of those big clunky ones that you had to carry in a bag over your shoulder.

President Lincoln did not have time to fight vampires. He would have had to delegate that to someone else, if in fact there was a vampire problem in the middle of the nineteenth century. There was no vampire problem, and I’ll tell you why in a moment.

Please note that I am not disparaging the old rail splitter’s ability to fight vampires, if he had the time and motivation. In doing my usual extensive research for this post, I was struck by the number of pictures available of Lincoln beating people up. Clearly Abe would handle his business when it came right down to it.

It just never came right down to it.

Why?

Abe did not have vampire problems because vampires did not want to cross him and they knew it.

Let’s examine a couple of vampires to see what I mean.

Dude, nice cape, really. Image by twm1340 via Flickr

Bela Lugosi is best known for playing Dracula, the most famous of all vampires. Look him over. Sure, he’s got the crazy eye thing going for him, but does he look crazy enough to want to go toe to toe with Lincoln? I should say not!

The man is wearing a cape. Is that any way to show up to fight the sixteenth President Of The United States? No. A cape does not imply battle readiness. Look at his fingernails. Who walks around like that? That is shameful and unsanitary. Bela Lugosi obviously had other issues to handle before he even thought about fighting Abe.

Hey man, would it kill you to use a kleenex? (Image by Lu ♥ via Flickr)

Now we will move on to a more modern vampire, played by actor Robert Pattinson.

This man is clearly anemic. How does someone who subsists on blood get anemia? Your guess is as good as mine, but I think the picture speaks for itself, don’t you?

No skinny anemic vampire boy would have been any match for Abe Lincoln.

Abe, in his younger days, getting ready to whip a vampire. I don’t know why they had to take their shirts off. (image via dailyyonder.com)

There is only one way this guy would have had any chance against Lincoln. Most people don’t know that Lincoln was a germophobe, obsessed with cleanliness. The photo above shows Pattinson blowing his nose into his bare hand. The very idea of such behavior would have sent Abe into a fit of nausea.

Absent nausea, no vampire had a chance against Abraham Lincoln. Their acknowledgement of that fact makes any film depicting this great man battling vampires an exercise in foolishness not worthy of my involvement. Apparently Mr. Reznor agrees.

Please join me in agreeing to boycott this film before it is ever made.

The greatest historical figure vs. the vampire film has already been made…it’s called Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter and is described on Wikipedia as “Jesus’ modern day struggle to protect the lesbians of Ottawa, Canada with the help of Mexican wrestler, El Santo.” That’s what it says…click the link, I dare you. Would you expect the son of a carpenter to not create weapons to kill vampires? Would you expect this to be anything other than Canadian greatness?

“In doing my usual extensive research for this post, I was struck by the number of pictures available of Lincoln beating people up.” The picture at the top of your post was the first image I’d ever seen of Lincoln where he wasn’t opening a can on someone.

Do you think people consider this concept to be “creative?” That worries me.

Trent should reconsider.
He cleans up nice for Industry Parties and award shows when he comes in to grab his statues.
This movie will probably get made and achieve some sort of odd cult status with the emaciated unwashed people that rent the basement units on my block.
Then they can get together to have a “sniveling at the common people” party where they discuss how cool the film is and ask who the hell Nine Inch Nails was.

Rather than discuss whether to see it, I refuse to believe this movie will exist. What further information I googled redeemed the suggestions of the title not a bit. Now banging my head on a wall….or maybe I’ll just re-read this for therapy.

I believe that Abe was moonlighting as a cab driver before he became a politician, therefor whenever he got into a fight, he would remove his shirt first so that if his dispatcher called he could respond rapidly without losing all that time taking his shirt off to respond.( Abe became famous known for driving w/o his shirt on. His ghost is often seen driving around in the early morning hours in some southern cities) This system is known in the cabbie trade as FREBT for Fast Response Equals Bigger Tips.

In addition Abe never believed in vampires. He had enough problems……Have you
ever seen a picture of his wife? She had a face that would give you hemorrhoids. The Civil war was actually about her face. The North wanted her to go to Mississippi to a hospital where they could improve her looks. The South did not want to accept her as a patient because they did not think they could help her. This got Abe ticked off. He took off his shirt and picked a fight with a guy at a saloon in Fort Sumter and that was that.

“The photo above shows Pattinson blowing his nose into his bare hand. The very idea of such behavior would have sent Abe into a fit of nausea.”

Seriously?! That’s what he’s doing? That’s disgusting! Any rational, intelligent person would be turned off by that! But that guy is a dirt bag who doesn’t shower either, so I guess you can’t expect much…(Or at least the little girls obsessed with him don’t)

Well lets pretend his mother was killed by a vampire or some super natural creature–would this have caused him to say to heck with America. This is a man who said, “All I am, or can be, I owe to my angel mother.” I don’t think he would have worn a cape though and his nails would have been well manicured.

I was like, what? And then I was like, that’s interesting. And then I was like, whoa… Dude! I and then I was like, WTF? Later, after considering it, I think this would make a great video game. Would I like to play Abe slaying vampires? Hmm…. maybe not. But I’m sure lots of kids would. And it would teach them about history. Vampire history is important right? I just hope they don’t turn out to be Twilight Vampires with the whole sparkle in the daylight thing.

I hear the book “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter,” isn’t as good as “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” or “Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters,” so I won’t see the movie, but I will see the movie version of “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,” especially if it’s in 3-D, because 3-D makes everything better, it really does.

But this makes me think of when Lincoln said, “Four score and seven years ago, our ‘four’ fathers…,” and maybe the zombie angle could explain why Lincoln referenced having four fathers. Could this refer to the zombie terminology of referring to the vampire who turned you into a vampire as your vampire father? Every vampire has two fathers, a human father and a zombie father. Couldn’t Lincoln be referring to his two fathers and his wife’s two fathers, when he says “our ‘four’ fathers”?

[…] Who could have foreseen that this film would be such a disaster? Surely not someone who thinks a book of the policies of his yet to be established administration is a good idea. But, yes, I did. I announced over a year ago that I would not work on this film. […]