Wednesday, April 18, 2012

On Monday, Prime alerted us to a segment of Jim Rome’s radio show where he was discussing a potential sequel to the Vancouver riots due to their hockey team being a bunch of horrible pussies. Prime then asked me to write up a post regarding when it is OK and when it is not OK to riot. I admit that I am no expert on the topic but it’s not like that has ever stopped me before. I will also admit that I have never taken part in a riot because I’m all class and I respect America. Needless to say, I am THE authority when it comes to riot analysis (at least for today I am).

Before we analyze the reasons that lead to public discontent transforming into anarchy on the streets, we need to understand WHY these things happen. I don’t care about fascist dictators or some black kid in a hoodie or whatever so, in my mind, every riot has been spawned from sporting results. FACT! With the exception of the people of Vancouver and a few others that I don’t remember, I would say that the majority of riots take place on college campuses by college kids. By the way, it still makes zero sense why Canucks fans destroyed the city last summer. They got crushed in game 7, it’s not like it was some heartbreaker. Anyway, knowing this, the two main factors leading to riots are:1. Awful city2. Stupid fans
When you take those two things into account, it makes perfect sense why riots happen in East Lansing, Lexington, and Morgantown. So with that said, let’s breakdown the reasons why riots may occur and give a verdict as to whether that logic is acceptable or not.

Did your team/school just win a title?UNACCEPTABLE. There are caveats that I will get into in a few minutes but my general belief is that you should go wild, get shit-faced, and love every minute of it but to also act like you’ve been there before. Karma has blessed you…don’t piss off karma.

Did your team/school just lose a title? UNACCEPTABLE. Be a fucking man and deal with your sadness the way that God intended—by drinking twice as much alcohol as you should and then hate-jerk yourself sleep.

Did your school just win a national title in a sport that your school does not make its #1 priority?UNACCEPTABLE. Ohio State fans are not allowed to riot over a potential future basketball title. Sparty fans can’t flip cars for football. Duke football fans don’t exist. Even if Kevin Durant comes back to cut down the nets for Rick Barnes (highly illegal), Austin can not be set ablaze.

Are you a tortured fanbase that just tasted victory for the first time in over a generation?ACCEPTABLE! The key word here is “generation”. Those that are long and suffering—that have dealt with decades of achy breaky hearts—are permitted to get a little out of control and cost the city some money.

Did you just complete an undefeated season with a win over your arch rival and now you are playing for a national title?CASE-BY-CASE. I’m pretty much referencing the 2002 Ohio State win over Michigan (in a dreadful game) that launched the Flukeyes into the national title game. It was sort of a perfect storm and ended with the team finally getting over the top which I’m sure resulted in an infinite number of pepper spray canisters being shot onto Chittenden Ave that night.

Did you just lose a huge game because of incompetent officiating?UNACCEPTABLE. Obviously, games aren’t won or lost on one play. Any idiot knows that. But exactly what is the point of looting your town because a referee incorrectly called your star player for a charge even though the defender was still moving? “That’s bullshit! I’m taking this fucking flat screen TV! That will show that ref!” It makes no sense although looting sounds like a whole shitload of fun.

Did your team just lose because of a miracle play that would never happen again in a million years?ACCEPTABLE! I’ll tell you what: if I was a Bills fan that had to watch the replay booth completely fuck me out of a playoff win because they didn’t want to correctly overturn that Music City Miracle forward pass, I would have just started strangling cats until someone stopped me by smashing my head to pieces. That would have KILLED me. I just don’t know how Bills fans can keep doing it.

Did your team just get relocated to a worse city?ACCEPTABLE! I don’t recall Browns fans rioting much outside of the stadium during that final home game (although I do remember ripping seats out in an act of Herculean STREMPH). That was a huge mistake. They should have torched that dump of a stadium to get a head start on the parking lot that currently resides there.

Are you a Bills/Cubs/Cleveland fan?UNACCEPTABLE. There may come a day when the fans of these horrible franchises are rewarded for sticking beside their awful teams. I said MAY. If it does happen down the line, your reaction should not be to fuck up the city. It should be complete and utter jubilation. There should not be one violent thought in your body at that moment. You should be hugging, high-fiving, or copping a feel off of everybody you pass. At some point, you need to reflect on those long-suffering fans (or family members) that are not with you anymore who do not get to share in your triumph. But then you need to gather yourself quickly because you are TOTES getting laid that night!

Are you Trey Wingo?KILL YOURSELF.

BONUS: Did your local "global icon" who promised to win you a title leave you high and dry in an embarrassing fashion? ACCEPTABLE. Send the damage bill to that big ass house in Akron. Fuck LeBron.

Is your front office/athletic department completely stupid and continues to shovel shit on you?UNACCEPTABLE. Sorry, bro, but you choo-choo-choose your own teams. Once you made that choice, you’re stuck with them. Although if you have a completely inept owner/AD like, say, a Dan Snyder/Brad Bates, it would be ACCEPTABLE to plant a bomb under the front seat of his Rolls Royce/Dodge Stratus. Rioting is not cool but murder is.

Did your football coach get fired for aiding and abetting a known child molester?UNACCEPTABLE. You don’t get to be mad about this EVER. I don’t care how many libraries he built.

Did said football coach die a few weeks later from a broken heart/cancer?UNACCEPTABLE. You don’t get to be mad about this FOREVER AND EVER. You can be sad that it ended the way that it did, but put down the torch immediately.

Did your football program completely ignore their moral responsibility to handle the teeny, tiny issue of child molestation?ACCEPTABLE! Now pick that torch back up!!! Pretty much everything in your town that was once thought of as a positive provided by that coach was all a goddamn lie because of a decade of pedophilia under his coke bottle glasses. That makes everything fake. That means that you can destroy it without penalty because it was all a sham! You bought into everything that they sold you and it was all a bunch of SHIT. Hell, you should be allowed one free cop killing for that. Just kidding. Please don’t kill a cop. That would not end well for you.

Do you just want to celebrate/vent by destroying public and private property? Do you want to play chicken with law enforcement?UNACCEPTABLE. No matter where you go or who you are with, when a situation starts to become a little tense and there are some officers around, someone will ALWAYS get tough and be all like “FUCK THOSE PIGS”. That usually leads to something stupid all in the name of CALIPARI CUTTIN’ NETS WOOOOOO! Take it from Rodney King and that Trayvon fella: the police have no problems with beating your ass for the smallest of reasons. Hell, they might even kill you. Let the frat boy absorb that beating while you rub his girlfriend’s vagina through her awesome black yoga pants.

Basically, there is a time and a place for everything. Most of the time, sports fans give no fucks about that though and, honestly, if their only choice of actions after a big game is to either light couches on fire and flip cars over or sexually assault the mayor’s daughter then fuck you, John Q. Taxpayer. If you have any other situations that you would like for me to judge, leave them in the comments and I will evaluate them. Judge G$ is ready to rule!

Its nice to see you acknowledge the acceptability of the OSU riots after the 2002 Michigan game. I would imagine you took part in/were a casual observer of those riots, so you have a better understanding of euphoria everyone was feeling.

I call shenanigans. You say it's not ok for OSU Basketball fans to riot, but then in the very next excerpt, you say it's ok if it's the first time they've won in a generation. Save Grumpy, who here was alive last time OSU won the title? And we are mostly going into/are in our 30's.

I am definitely rioting if the Browns bring it all home.

We had to drop my cousin off at Athens in the mid 90's during the riots. The changed the last call at bars from 3am to 2am. The dean paid for that.

So I can't riot because I'm a Cleveland fan but I can riot if Cleveland wins a Superbowl due to the fact that they've never even played in a SuperBowl (tortured fan base)? Looks like you really put a lot of thought into this.

The generational thing is superceded by priority. No, you can't riot if Ohio State ever cuts down the nets even though they have not done so since 1960. You already chose your sport to riot for. You don't get two. Case dismissed.

LS, probably not and I can't see any realistic reason why this would happen since only Toledo and CMU have good attendance which means that only 2 of 12 programs have a relatively rabid fanbase. The ONLY scenario that I can think of that would be acceptable for a MAC riot is if some team completed a miracle undefeated season and somehow went to a BCS bowl.

LS, FUCK YES! I don't know if it was a full fledged riot, but it was wild at Toledo after we beat Pitt when they were #5. There was definitely public and private property being destroyed...not so much looting. But an upset of any top school is worth a riot in the MAC.

Iceman, tortured fanbases have every right to pillage and plunder BUT wanton violence should be the last thing on your mind at that moment (which is never going to happen anyway). Trying to bare-knuckle fight a horse-cop is far less likely than celebratory finger-banging everything in sight. The point here is that you COULD do damage to your city, but you SHOULD dismiss that thought right away. Case dismissed.

Ace, I believe that some girl was in a coma or something when she was walking home from the library and got knocked upside the dome by the goalpost that was being carried out of the Glass Bowl. That was some ELITE paralysis right there!

Must be your browser, mine is ad free. Though seeing ads for Morningstar brand veggie patties come up in a riot thread must be lols.

Now you're going into rioting specifics. Rioting etiquette is another topic completely. But a really great topic.

I for one think violence is unacceptable in rioting unless it is against a minority. Why fuck up a cop? At least rape a hot girl. Your chance of survival is exponentially greater.

Looting and plundering, that's the ticket right there. Taking what's not yours and making it. Your team just won the biggest game of your life (year), and to top it all off, you deftly made off with a new 50 inch lcd. Aces! That is a great night.

Tearing down the street poles and fucking up the city is a mixed bag. Yes, you are literally pissing on dozens of bum's homes which is fun, but what are you achieving? We won! Lets go break somebody's car window? NEAT!

Fighting. Now rioting is a great way to cold cock that guy you've secretly hated for a while now. And you can blame it on somebody else. I for one think that if this group were involved in a riot, no less than 5 people would punch Dut in the face and blame it on someone else (hopefully Ace). This would also make for a fun riot.

I disapprove of Ide's pro-rape stance (the fuck?) but I couldn't help but get a boner at the idea of 5 people punching Dut in the face. I highly doubt that he could take one punch let alone 5 but this comment section isn't really known for their boxing skills so who knows.

Ace, I have no idea what you're talking about. If ads are popping up in the comments, I can assure you that I'm making nothing from them.

Drew, you are going to lose to an Ohio school some time. It's going to happen. Like Labor Day weekend of this year.

Tennessee/Kiffin riot = UNACCEPTABLE. The guy is a shithead with a hot wife. But then again, he's about a million times better than Derek Dooley and his showering lessons. You know what, knowing what we now, ACCEPTABLE!

Big Strut getting shot in the leg by a rubber bullet and Poopson getting interviewed on the local evening news the next night looking like he a bum who had just rolled out of bed, were the two things I remember most from that glorious weekend in '02. That and on the walk back to my place late on that Saturday night the cops saying to me, "I weep for the future with you asshole kids in charge."

I wouldn't personally riot if the Cubs won- I'd need the next several days off due to the bender I'd go on, but no riot. I wouldn't trust the city of Chicago though. That shit would get burnt like 1906 all over again.