The Mary Poppins Bag of News

Think you are having a bad day? At least you aren’t Alex Boulet. Boulet is facing felony drug charges following a traffic stop. Following three X-rays, a laxative, and “a cup of coffee,” police were rewarded with “a record for narcotics recovered from a suspect’s rectum.” The final hull: 84 individually packaged crack rocks, 218 Oxycodone pills, and 11.5 grams of marijuana. Holy Shit. A drug dealer’s starter kit in a convenient carrying case. This guy has an asshole like a Mary Poppins bag.
Richard Creighton was apparently so drunk that he may not have been drunk at all. Wait. What? Creighton was arrested and charged with a DUI after he was pulled over and blew a .41 on the breathalyzer. With the state legal limit being .08, it would seem to be an easy case for the prosecutor. Not so fast, says Creighton’s attorney William Harvey III. The defense: at that level of intoxication, Creighton shouldn’t have been physically capable of driving. Thus, the machine couldn’t have been operating correctly. The old “my client is too drunk to be drunk” defense. Boom, lawyered. You can call us lawyers a lot of things but don’t say we aren’t the smartest heartless soulless godless money grubbing scumbags on the block.

Laurie Bailey-Cutkomp is likely getting fired . . . but dammit I respect her style. The Florida teacher reportedly would make some of her students wear a “Cone of Shame” for various offenses in the classroom. This cone isn’t like a dunce cap however, but the kind of cone dogs wear after surgery. Fantastic. Truly the ultimate punishment. Have you ever seen a dog when he has one of those things on? Pure misery and embarrassment. Unable to scratch an ear or lick your balls. Sure, most ninth-graders don’t want to lick their balls but its still great punishment. Ridiculing and shaming with a dash of pointing and laughing is the perfect mix of punishment and deterrent. I wish this would make it’s way into corporate America. The Cone of Shame is the new Urban Sombrero.

A Texas Elvis impersonator was arrested for assault after punching a man in the face following a dispute over the rules of the board game Taboo. We’re talking about Taboo? I mean listen, we’re sitting here talking about Taboo, not Monopoly, not Life, not Clue, but we’re talking about Taboo. I’ve written about this before. I get how Monopoly can cause a fight. Bankruptcy. That’s how all Monopoly games end and how all monopoly fights start. But Taboo? Who knows the rules for Taboo? Maybe this guy deserves to get his nose broken and maybe he didn’t. Impossible for me to tell. Nonetheless, his cover of Jailhouse Rock just got that much more convincing.

Eddy Morales is the definition of snake it till you make it. After trying to skip out on a $500 strip club tab, Morales stated he has diplomatic immunity and millions in the bank and further stated that the White House would be calling police with a reprimand after he was arrested. First the Secret Service, now Eddy Morales. Just wait until Fox News gets a hold of this story. Placing lap dances and bottles of Dom on Obama’s tab. Seriously, though, if telling strippers lies is a crime then EVERYBODY who goes to a strip club is going to be arrested. Most people just don’t continue these lies all the way to the police station. Oh, well. Haters gonna hate. Eddy Morales is gonna claim he is BFFs with Barack-a-flaka Flame to get a free lap dance. Diplomatic immunity swag for days.

Douglas Stephan is a solo attorney and owner of the Law Office of Douglas A. Stephan. He received his JD in 2010 from Ohio Northern University and BA from Ohio University. His practice is located outside of Dayton, Ohio. You can follow him on Twitter @stephanlaw.

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