Japanese hardware sales, Jan. 10 - Jan. 16: Football Fantasy edition

We feel compelled to further associate with our fellow man by finally acquainting ourselves with the intricacies of American football. Apparently, there are quite a few rules and regulations to wrap our minds around -- so we've come up with an airtight series of analogies to help us remember the responsibilities of each of the huge, huge dudes on the field. See, if you really think about it, each player is basically filling the role of a traditional RPG archetype. Here's a quick summary:

Offensive linemen are the tanks, soaking up the damage dealt by the opposing team's defense while protecting their team's squishier players.

Quarterbacks are the magic users, dealing large amounts of damage (gained yards) -- though they can't take much damage in return. Also? A lot of quarterbacks know how to use magic.

Wide receivers are the thieves -- not because they're quick and agile, but because so many of them are just so darn charismatic.

The healers are represented by the sideline physical therapists. Like, obviously. You probably figured that one out on your own.