Main menu

New Metro Mass Transit Proposal Just a Series of Catapults, Giant Slingshots

Responding to the ever-increasing public demand for more and better mass-transit options throughout the city, the Metro Council released preliminary plans today for Mass Transit Upgrades in Davidson County. According to initial reports, the $13m proposal consists primarily of a system of strategically interspersed catapults, as well as nets or parachutes for landing.

“We think that this is the solution that Nashville commuters have been waiting for” enthused Metro Councilman-at-Large Fernando Diaz. “For one thing, catapult rides are inexpensive, so they’re a great option for households of any income. Also, catapults are eco-friendly; they don’t require any gasoline to function, meaning less carbon-monoxide going into our air and less drilling for oil both overseas and domestically. Additionally, for every one tree cut down to build a catapult frame, we’ll plant two in its place so that over time we’ll actually help grow our forests from this effort. Beyond the environmental benefits, catapults are more efficient. We can not only launch up to four commuters at a single go, but since there is no risk of collisions on the road, there will be no time wasted waiting on stalled traffic. Workers will be able to sleep later and not rush through their morning routine, knowing that they’re just a few quick tosses away from their workplace.”

Councilwoman Shirley Knott, an engineer who helped champion the catapult program, noted to reporters that in less-trafficked, more remote areas, giant slingshots will be utilized instead. “Coming from areas where there is less demand, we’ll instead be installing 15ft-tall, single-rider slingshots to save space and building materials.” Also, to facilitate landing at all stations, Knott explained that stretched parachutes (similar to those used in gym classes) and circus aerial nets will be positioned to catch incoming commuters. “It will be inexpensive, quick, and most of all, fun. My fellow Council members and I really think that we’ve found a winner in this plan.”

Mayor Megan Barry praised the council for their innovative solution to Metro’s mass transit woes. “In searching for a path to the future, our ingenious Councilmen and -women have found inspiration in technology from the past. I feel that this is very much in keeping with Nashville’s overall ongoing efforts to preserve and recognize our history while still growing into a city of tomorrow, and our esteemed representatives should be applauded for this proposal. I really think that now is the perfect time for Nashville to go medieval on its transit issues.”