Get a Shot in the Dark

If only Roger had bought one of those X10 home security systems earlier, he could have saved a lot of money — not to mention some vital body parts.

Roger is the big, tall hunk who lives down the hall.

Roger has always been obsessed with security. He checks the whole neighborhood for terrorists, or Jehovah’s Witnesses, whichever he can find. He has this big sign on the door “This house is protected by Smith & Wesson.” He has tape recordings of vicious dogs playing from his stereo all day. It’s realistic enough that Animal Control keeps coming by to cite him for having unlicensed dogs.

The dogs are about as real as the Smith & Wesson. The Smith & Wesson isn’t real anymore. Until earlier this year, Roger used to have dozens of guns lying around the house. He didn’t want to be more than two steps from his joy toy when the day came that an intruder came by his place.

Roger waited and waited.

And he waited some more.

Months passed, then years. No intruders.

Finally, on a cold January night, Roger heard it. Someone was jiggling a key in the door.

Finally his moment had come. Tonight, Roger would be a hero. He picked up gun number one.

Seconds later, he picked up a second gun. Both arms were ready to fire.

He heard the key moving in the lock.

Roger was ready.

He fired the first shot. As he pulled the trigger, Roger slipped on a cat toy and fell back. He felt the other gun going off.

There was blood.

There was a mess.

The cat was screaming.

Suddenly Roger was missing his manhood. The bullet had lodged in the hardwood floor.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Peterson ran down the hall, found old Mr. Peterson still jiggling the key in the wrong apartment door. She nudged him down the hall.

Roger, meanwhile traded in his gun at the pawnshop. With the small amount of money he got for his gun, he could still buy several X10 surveillance cameras, a monitor that would buzz him anywhere if a terrorist dropped by and he could watch all the action on his PC.

Finally, Roger had found his manhood. It came with a credit card-sized controller.