4 Months & Counting.

When I said every day in March, what I really truly meant, was most days in March. I’m going to go out on a limb and say, in regards to this whole trying to post more thing, I’m doing great.

I cannot believe Cade is 4 months old already, nearly 4 and a half months. At his check-up on March 7, he weighed 16 1/2 lbs and was 25 inches tall. He’s over 2 feet tall, guys. Gigantor baby, comin’ atcha! He has grown an insane amount, and shall we take a moment to reflect on that with a photographic journey through the times:

Not long after being born. Already sucking those fingers. Probably already hungry.

Two days after entering the world and about to leave the 80’s decor decked out Victorian Suite at the RUH for our home sweet home with our precious little man.

Almost 1 month old and cute as can be. Note: this is when he was still actually sleeping lots.

Two months old and the chins are growing and growing. This picture is proof of a thriving boy.

Three months old and the smiles are pouring in, including this precious one captured by yours truly.

Just over 4 months old and sprawled out on the couch. Such a boy. Typical sleeping position for him – feet crossed and legs up. He currently exhibits one of those characteristics – arms up – as he is snoozing so sweetly beside me.

4 months old and the most beautiful, touching and sweet expressions a momma could ask for in her little guy.

EDIT: Previous note re: Cade sleeping sweetly beside me is no longer. I just sensed that I was being watched, and lo and behold, I looked down beside me to see a beautiful pair of light blue eyes staring up at me, as if to say, “Hi, Mom, I’m awake now. I only needed a 10 minute cat nap and I’m good to go for a few more hours.” Um, right.

So it’s been a third of a year, 4 months, which means less than 8 months left to go that I will be at home, full-time, with my boy and my pup. I need to start looking into daycare more. I have only made one phone call, which was not entirely successful in that she basically will be booked up by the time we need a spot for Cade. The whole process terrifies the shit out of me. I don’t want my boy to be cared for by someone else. I don’t want to go back to work, knowing that I cannot stay home with him and hang out, smile, chat, learn. But on the other hand, financially, I have to. I’ve done some number crunching and there is essentially no way that we cannot have two incomes. If we didn’t both carry the stupid debt loads that we do, it might be a possibility, but unfortunately student loans got the best of us, and now we’re paying for it. But – at least we have something to show for it. You can’t really put a price on education I don’t think.

Growing up, my brother and I never had to go to daycare as my mom always had a home daycare. This is another reason why I am so terrified. Couple that with the stories you hear about in the news of children dying from being shaken, and other ‘mysterious’ causes while attending daycare. NOT COOL. Like I said, I’m dreading it. I know that my first week back at work is going to be incredibly rough and I can only hope my supervisor is kind enough to understand this and let me pour my tears out and grieve the loss of being a momma on maternity leave.

What have I learned so far from Cade? So much that I don’t even know where to begin. I have learned that I am an incredibly emotional and moody person when I am severely sleep deprived. I have also learned that I get terribly irrational as well, and then I feel like the most terrible person in the world. I know I’ve said it before, but there have been more than a handful of times where Kyle has been comforting and attempting to soothe both Cade and me at the same time. Sigh. I have also learned that I can parent and I can be a really good mom, though there are times where I am incredibly hard on myself and feel like I am doing everything wrong and that everyone is judging my wrongness. I have learned that a baby boy’s smile and laugh are the most precious things ever and can make any bad day or depressed feelings dwindle away. There is nothing more beautiful than seeing Cade light up at the stupid noises and faces and dance moves I make. I have also learned that carrying around a baby can give me really strong arms, and that as said baby grows to be bigger and bigger, my arms grow to be stronger and stronger and so I don’t notice the weight increase as much. I have learned that I can love a tiny little being with all of my heart and soul, and that I can bond with this being and know that I am doing all I can for this little sweet child. I have learned that sometimes it may take awhile to truly, deeply, and genuinely feel this bond, but that it comes, and when it does, it knocks you off your feet and anything you thought was bonding before, well, not so much, ’cause this? This is the REAL shit. I have learned that I can handle crying. This is a big one for me. Before becoming a mom, I was terrified of dealing with crying. I couldn’t stand when babies cried in the grocery store, in the mall, out in public. It made me sad and it made me frustrated, like, c’mon, do something. I have learned that babies cry, and that most of the time, that baby either needs some food, some hugs, or some shut eye. And that’s okay, because dude, babies cry in order to talk, in order to communicate with us, their providers. I have learned that the support of friends and family is even more crucial when it’s no longer just you, when you’re taking on one of the biggest challenges ever – parenthood. It’s only been 4 months and I feel like Cade has given me the gift of Being Able To Stay Up All Night And Still Be Semi-Productive The Next Day, Possess The Most Love Ever For Baby Who Screams Til’ 4AM, and Fascination Over Baby Poop and Inclination to Converse and Become Excitable Over Said Poop.

It is hard to believe this sweet child can give me much more, because I really feel like he has given me everything already.