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Blended families can bring with them blurred boundaries around discipline. This week, a stepmother wonders if it’s time to step in on bad table manners.

THIS WEEK’S PARENT TRAP

My live-in boyfriend has a son by a previous marriage and I’m really struggling with his table manners, he’s got every bad habit in the book: eating noisily and with his mouth open, licking his fingers, wiping dirty hands on his pants. It’s so bad that I often take my food into the next room and avoid eating when I can hear him crunching away in the kitchen. I think we all need to be on the same page here but as the only non-parent I’m at a loss for how to go about addressing the situation. Where is my place in all this?

— Terror at the Table, Vancouver

YOUR TWO CENTS

It doesn’t matter whether you’re blood by birth or not; a child should always show respect and mind his manners, especially to those who’re putting the food in his mouth.

— Bob, Chilliwack

My advice: agree on what is acceptable in your household and agree to be consistent. This will establish a solid foundation between you and your mate, and create stability and clear boundaries for your step-son ... and less stress.

— Barb, North Vancouver

I’m not advocating that you withhold food, but dismissing him from the table on the grounds that only people who can behave properly get to sit at the table to eat might help establish some boundaries.

— Sarah, Vancouver

MICHELE KAMBOLIS SAYS

Mealtimes are a great opportunity for family bonding, but bad manners can turn the tables on a nice meal quicker than you can say “pass the potatoes.” First, you need to iron out expectations, letting your husband take lead as primary enforcer. In other words, you’re not (as you say) a non-parent, but you’ll get better results as a silent partner — influencing through behind-the-scenes discussions.

Try to bring your stepson on side through the back door approach. Having a candid chat about bad habits, and how they might create problems down the road, just might give him a little insight into the table manners conundrum. After all, kids don’t think about the impact an open mouth full of mush might have on a first date or dinner with the boss.

Next, give up all kinds of kudos if he chews with his mouth closed, keeps his elbows off the table and clears his dishes. A trip to his favorite sushi restaurant might be just the incentive he needs to put in a week’s worth of table time effort. Likewise, set your bottom line for going out of bounds and do not, at all cost, take your food into another room. Save that consequence for him. Finally, play both at and away from the dinner table — a strong, attachment-based relationship is a bottom line necessity to bring any child on side.

NEXT WEEK’S PARENT TRAP

My daughter is coming home from university for the holidays. She’s asked to bring her new boyfriend home to meet the family, which as I’ve discovered, happens to be a professor from a course she took last year. The icing on this gingerbread cake is she’s threatening to not come home at all and with her lack of common sense, I’m tempted to let her. Please help.

In Seasonal Shambles, Vancouver

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