Most of you are aware I have Aspergers Syndrome, and I know Iím in fact one of many who visit Buzzjack on a regular basis. Iím also a depression sufferer with what I once considered to be seasonal affective disorder, but itís never been diagnosed to be that. Iíve taken various antidepressants for some time now, starting off with Sertraline, and in recent years Citalopram, but Iíve stopped for a while now to try and get a handle on things myself and see my life for what it truly is.

I am experiencing many different emotions all at once right now, and theyíre all very negative. I feel hopeless, worthless, lonely, poor, isolated, despaired, jealous, irritable and anger has come up too. Itís like these feelings have always been there, but I just suppress them so they donít show and I go on pretending that my life is ok. Iíve gotten to a point when Iíve had to break free from social settings because I just donít feel I belong or I am short-tempered with people.

I get all kinds of negative emotions from being on social media and seeing people happily living their lives wishing for something better for myself. I feel worthless when I see people in love when I am not. I get jealous when I see people planning for holidays and I donít get to go anywhere. I just feel like everybody is moving on with their lives and Iím just getting left behind. Everyone else seems to have a reason to live for and yet I have no purpose whatsoever. I have nothing to look forward to.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is not something new to me. Iíve tried to get help before both in group settings and in private sessions. I never found a talking therapy to be practical for me when itís the last thing I want to do and where Iím just being second guessed by someone who I donít know. Iíve felt very guarded and I rarely open up in person to someone about my feelings. I get uncomfortable doing so. In both times before when I attempted CBT, both the group session and one-to-one session, I left prematurely and did not return again. I panicked to a degree and was dismissive of the value of what was being offered to me at the time.

I know of others locally to myself who have done CBT privately from their own homes either by following an online course or reading a book on the subject. I donít know how effective it is but at least you donít have to confront another person in the same room as you and you can feel safer in your own home when you do it. I just ordered myself a mood journal to track how I feel.

Have their been experiences of any on here who have used CBT, in any capacity, and has it helped to improve your life in any way?

I have no experience with CBT but what I am going to respond to is the part that you mentioned where you've decided to come off your meds. If this is doctor approved then ignore me but mental illness is as valid as any other physical one. Taking medication is to help you get better or live the best life you can without being prevented by an illness. Take someone who wears glasses 24/7 for example. You wouldn't see them take off their specs, say it's time for them to live their real life and hop in a car and go for a drive would you? That's damaging to their health. There's no shame in taking antidepressants if they help you. Perhaps the range of negative emotions you're feeling right now is a result of not having your meds?

I apologise if you feel I'm speaking out of turn here, it's just a point I think is important to address and I've had experience with before when one of my best friends came off her meds for a few days and it did not go well to say the least. You've got to find what works for you and if not taking anti deps makes you feel better or you've found an alternative then great but make sure your doctor is being kept in the loop!

I've been on Sertraline for a year after I've been diagnosed with major depression and severe panic attacks, and to be honest with you I quit without a doctors consult and boy that did not turn well!!!

Also let me ask you this, while you were on meds, were you feeling still isolated, jealous and all other feelings you described that you feel now? That's something you should think about it, because if those feelings were not so present while you were on meds then clearly they did their job and perhaps you might wanna reconsider starting them. I know nobody including you don't wanna be always on happy pills but it doesn't have to be always, only until you feel better and see yourself in better place and in a better situation if that makes sense.

I did CBT with two different therapists and I can say that one was very helpful and the other one not so. The one that was helpful, we were in touch via phone, sms, e-mails and everytime I was going through rough times, I would just text her and she would immediately reach out to me and gave me advices, techniques etc etc how to handle the anxiety. It was really really helpful at least in my case.

So please reach out to professional people and don't let those feelings control you but you take control over them.

Yeah you really can't just come off meds and expect some other magic thing to make it better when you've been put on them. If they aren't working (they can take time but we know you've had a while) then you shouldn't come off anything until you've said to a doctor, like if you're having awful side effects but your symptoms aren't being alleviated they'd be able to see that whatever you are on isn't for you.

If you can't get the help you need from whatever antidepressants then it's often CBT that's the key along with certain antidepressants, almost like CBT "unlocks" the potential and one can't work without the other. It's just tricky that everyone is so different, one person with depression could just be fine given x antidepressant, whereas another might not get any luck from 10 different ones and needs CBT. Its a case of what works for you, but if you trust and need doctors to diagnose you then anyone should realise they are what's needed to combat things too.

Without seeming too blunt, if you don't accept what is supposed to help you, what do you expect to happen? Things take time and are hard to initiate, I know that better than anyone, but if you don't then you're gonna be stuck in the same cycle. I used to just think oh this will go away and leave it but it never did until I stepped up and did something.

Until around 6pm today I hadnít eaten in over 48 hour and I hadnít left my bedroom in over 24 hours. Iím clearly not doing ok. I have broken that record now and left the house and eaten, Iím not sure what exactly I was trying to prove otherwise. I guess I was deliberately trying to deprive myself in some way, possibly as a means of self harm.

Anyway regarding the tablets, I havenít suddenly called me off them, I was taking 20mg of Citalopram regularly and gradually stopped and this was probably around December time, so plenty of time has passed between now and then. I guess I donít want to accept that I have to rely on them for the rest of my life. But, yet again and not for the first or second times, Iíve resorted to taking another antidepressant and I guess Iím accepting Iím no better off without them. I consider this quite defeatist actually to go back to relying on something to help me, but I guess I have no choice now.

As far as the CBT goes, Iíve made an appointment for next week to have another initial assessment over the phone so who knows what it might lead to. Maybe if I can change the way I perceive others, both when Iím on and off my meds, I might get a better handle on interactions and relationships with others. Maybe I wonít get angry or upset with people when they wrong me as much as I do now. Maybe I can also learn to be happy for others success and enjoyment in life rather than bitterly resent them for it just because I donít have what they have.

If I am going to use CBT again, I need to make sure I do it properly this time and see it through to the end.

Depending on resources, you might (at least initially) be able to talk online to someone? My uni's counselling thing has an email option if you're particularly anxious abut actuall going in face to face wth someone, but of course we know that mental health funding isn't always that great and you can't always go for the ideals You certainly need to do something as it's awful to see you are like this, but withdrawing your meds without a doctor's say so will not help, trust me. Because Citalopram works with serotonin, by stopping your brain "absorbing" it all instead of having it bouncing around available to make you happy, not taking it would make your brain chemistry go totally out of whack, even if you did it gradually, and that might be manifesting in how much worse you've been feeling recently. Doctors will be fully aware of the timelines etc. so that if you did have to come off it, they can do it with as little disruption as possible.

If you're having absolutely nothing you will feel like you do, hopefully your assessment thing can figure out what you need! It might be that there is something less... daunting I suppose, like online counselling, that may help you towards feeling up to CBT and the like. I did that before I actually went into uni counselling and to a doctor because it helped but it almost didn't feel as tangible, scary and real s talking to someone face to face, but it eventually allowed me to feel up to doing that.

I know all too well what it's like to be on medication for the rest of your life. I have epilepsy, i have an underactive thyroid both of which I need to take tablets for daily. I'm on the highest possible dose of my epilepsy tablets because I've gotten to a stage where they're not doing their job as well as they were when I was younger and i think that's largely due to being under a lot more stress and getting far less sleep plus all the other issues I've had over the past year or two as all of that triggers my epilepsy. Plus I get bad side effects if I take my medication after having an absence so I've been trying to change tablets for over a year now. (I've kinda given up atm and I'm just on my old ones but that's because of side effects that were worse) but my point is my health would be far worse if I didn't take them and okay one type of tablet might not work but there will be an alternative. It's worth doing something about as the alternative to not taking medication that you need is far worse, regardless if its for a mental illness or something else. I've gone through the struggle of being the weird kid at school who couldn't go anywhere without her tablets and having to make sure I remember to take them when I'm out and it makes you feel different or odd or like there's something wrong with you but that's just another insecurity and it's not worth risking your health and overall well-being over.

Go to your doctor, tell them why you're off your meds and why you're worried about being dependent on tablets, they'll just want to help and find the best treatment to suit you.

Coming off any medication without the say so and care of a medical professional is not advisable but for anti-depressants is like the worst possible medication to come off without supervision or medical care. Liam explains it super well as to the actual biological reasons why itís really not healthy.

Personally, i think that anything that can help you get better is something worth exploring