$300 - Two bedroom share

Hello, I am
seeking out a roommate. I've had several the past three months that did not work
out so well and am hoping to find "the perfect housemate." I think it can be
done!

1) I am a plastic surgeon, single straight male, and am wealthy
but rather lonely. I could keep this house to myself, and have for about a year,
but I've realized that life is much better when it's shared with people who are
conscious (as opposed to my clients and my nursing staff!). (This is not to say
that my nursing staff is unconscious -- obviously they are not! It's just very
difficult to become friends with a staff that is somewhat dubious of my methods.
I'm no rogue, but I do have Eastern-influenced techniques that some find odd
and/or disconcerting -- but I do have a 99% success rate! In any case, it
doesn't make much sense to mix business and pleasure.)

2) I do have a
dog, Basil Ironweed (yes that is his name, people seem to be confused that I
have given him a full name like a person and some kind of laugh, but I assure
you I take my dog very seriously and treat him with respect, and I ask that you
do the same). It would actually be ideal if you have a female dog of pure
pedigree (I'd need to see the papers though, for breeding purposes) and I'd
prefer her to be a medium-sized dog (I will consider most breeds except
absolutely no Austrailian Kelpies and no American Water Spaniels, please! The
coloring of the mating dogs' possible kin would be horrendous if this were the
case! Also, Basil is a Border Collie in case you were wondering!) If you do not
have a dog, that is also fine. All other pets will be considered except: no cats
unless they are of the outdoor variety, no arthropods, and all avians must be
salmonella-free, clipped toenails, and tagged.

3) My house has only a
one-car garage. It used to be a two-car one, but I decided to convert half of it
into a micro-personal gym as I am rather health conscious. (I do have a gym
membership, but my gym is not 24-hour, and sometimes at night I really need to
get on the bowflex to burn off some of my energy since I have a lot of it! Also,
after meals it's inconvenient for me to run off to the gym, and that is why I
need one at my disposal. The gym membership is because they have a pool there,
and swimming is really good for the joints. Just in case you were wondering.)
That said, you'll have to use street parking, but I assure you that my
neighborhood is quiet and safe, and there is usually a spot right out in front
of my house! (The only time the spot is taken is when the lunch truck comes for
the construction workers that are on the corner of my street. It only sits there
for about 20 minutes between 1 and 2 pm during the week, depending on how chatty
the boys are that day.)

Anyways, I have a few rules that need to be
followed, but other than that, we should get along fine!

a) I request
that you listen to all music via headphones. I have mild tinnitus and the sounds
from most Hi-Fi equipment sans headphones really irriates me. I am open to
discussing music, but sadly we cannot directly share it as my ears can't handle
rapidly changing frequencies. (If you'd like to share lyrics, I'd be more than
delighted to oblige!)

b) If you are going to cook, please do not use the
following spices: curries, paprika, anything Cajun, and dill. The smells of
these things turns my stomach. (If you have any scents that you'd like to avoid,
by all means let me know and I'll do you the same honor.)

c) You must
brush your teeth at least twice a day. If there is anything I cannot stand it's
filthy teeth. (Believe me, I've had a couple roommates who just could not handle
this simple routine -- your gingiva may not mind, but I certainly DO.)

d) If you are going to watch TV, please let me know in advance which
programs you'd like to watch. I do have TiVo, by the by, and I have certain
shows that I simply must watch when they originally air. I cannot be too
flexible with this because I cannot stand to wait to see my programs. You have
to understand that I simply have to watch them when they originally air or I
will get a little batty. Most of my programs are on public broadcasting and do
not tend to run during prime-time spots.

e) I do not appreciate
unannounced house-guests. I need to know at least two days in advance that
company is coming -- I need to know the duration of the stay, and the nature of
the visit. But, I am open to any and all visitors, I just need to know the
specifics involved.

f) I have reduced rent drastically because I realize
that some of my requests might seem slightly stringent. I will pay the bulk of
the rent in exchange for your understanding, your committment to the house, and
your humoring of my quirks.

g) You must be ok with my upholstery hobby.
On every third-Tuesday of the month I request that you vacate the house between
the hours of 4 pm - 11:45 pm while I upholster various pieces of antique
furniture. I am a perfectionist and require complete silence in the house. I've
tried this with housemates who've promised to stay in their rooms, but this
proved impossible as bathroom habits demand a regular schedule that interrupts
my artisan work. That said, I will give you a small stipend on these days if it
will assist you in finding something to do with that block of time.

h)
No newspapers or magazines. The ink gets everywhere and the gloss irritates my
eyes. Sorry! You are free to read them on the front porch, but they must be
stored outside of the house (perhaps in your car?)

i) This is not to
sound discriminating, but, if you speak either French, Urdu, or Afrikaans, I
kindly request that you not speak them in my vicinity as the cadences used in
these languages are grating to the ears and nerves, for me.

j) I have
fresh produce delivered from an undisclosed location to my home every Wednesday
afternoon. Please do not purchase fruits or vegetables and bring them home. You
can request any that you desire and I will add them to my order queue. (I am
fastidious about potential-GM produce and pesticide usage -- I will not tolerate
either!) Also, if you insist on preparing red meat dishes in the home, do cook
the meat thoroughly. IT MUST SIZZLE.

k) No cellphone tones in my home!
Please use silent mode only!

l) You are not to use paints in the home.
The noxious odors will aggravate my allergies!

That's the summary of
my requests! I do actually have a handbook which I will provide for your perusal
during our interview (yes, there will be an interview for final-stage
candidates) that outlines all of my more particular requests.