Be Honest About Trouble

CAROLYN HAX TELL ME ABOUT IT

February 6, 2006|Carolyn Hax

Dear Carolyn: Consider a typical marriage of a couple who married young. Five years later, he walks in on her cheating. He walks out. End of relationship, period. Does this reflect his strength and ability to leave, his power to not be controlled by fear of loneliness? Or does this represent his inability to forgive his wife, the one he loves and took vows with? (Yes, I realize SHE took vows as well.) -- Purely Hypothetical, Md.

Dear Hypothetical: Well, it certainly reflects one or the other.

Except when it reflects his self-knowledge in recognizing that he can forgive but still never be able to love her again as he once did, and that she still deserves that from someone, if not from him.

Or when it reflects his belief that she nullified the vows and he can't honor what doesn't exist.

Or when it reflects an insecurity so overpowering that he forgives her and wants to take her back -- but won't, because he thinks that will make him look weak and stupid.

Or I shut up and you fill in the blank. Only when you're honest will you have any idea what a relationship is about. Or was. Hypothetically.

Dear Carolyn: I'm in a long-distance relationship. He suggested we not be exclusive because he didn't want me to miss out on a real college experience, and because we're too far apart to see each other regularly.

Is this whole non-exclusive thing just like waiting to see if I can find someone better? -- D.C.

Dear D.C.: Seeing if there's someone better doesn't mean you're looking to trade up, which would be heartless and opportunistic. It means you're seeing if there's someone better for you, with the understanding that the definition of "better" -- and the definition of "you" -- are both still works in progress.

Eventually, you'll learn you've grown apart from your boyfriend, or fallen for him again, or fallen for the ol' "Let's not be exclusive so I, um, I mean you, can have fun while you're away." If you hate not knowing, you can always change course and break up.