When I was at Cambridge, where there was no college football as we know it (which may also be said of insert your rival here), I took a course on the celebrated author James Joyce, taught by the foremost Joyce expert in the world, Sir Francis Warner. Sir Francis was from Oxford[1], and his lectures consisted of analyzing Joyce’s dense passages by pointing out the author’s clever latticework of couched references to the Sacraments, the Ten Commandments, the Seven Deadly Sins, and other Christian Do’s and Don’t lists. I asked the esteemed professor a more polite version of the brash American question, “what’s the point?” I got an exceedingly polite whine-and-cheese answer, but I don’t remember what the point of that was either. Does Joyce’s prose have meaning? Or is it just a pointless clever word game? I don’t know so I’ll just try a two-point conversion. Apparently my education has qualified me for cheesy unpaid sportswriting. In the spirit of pretentious and shallow allusions to other irrelevant pretentious and shallow allusions, here’s my Joycean recap of the weekend’s college football in which I couch what I hope you will think of as insights behind the sexy and apparently frivolous veneer of pop music. Or, for you SEC fans, “I ‘cued up a mess of songs and band names with some roadkill of what was goin’ on in football. Y’all can make sense of it real quick. Hell, you know SEC’s got speed!”

Michigan: “We R Who We R”. Offense: lookin’ sick and sexified. Defense? Stockings ripped all up the side.

Blue R Who Blue R

You’re supposed to be hittin’ on dudes. Hard,” not giving up 65 points to Illinois! You’re Michigan dammit! GadZooks! How does a Citizen Cope?

Penn State: “Little Lion Man” Joe Pa wins his 400th game and you know you’ve seen this all before. Spurned by one recruit’s dad as Mr. Mumford & Son Aaron pick Rutgers. (True…ish. Bing it.)[2]

Nebraska: Wins without Taylor Swift[3] as Iowa State fails on a fake extra point in overtime. Cyclones coach Paul (“Randy”) Rhoads says “je ne regrette rien”, except in English with cool football coach accent. (Side note: losing quarterback is named “Artaud” for extra grand guignol.)

Indiana: Waka Flocka Flame! “No Hands[4]” Damario Belcher burps on a sure thing game-winning no catch which would have upset Iowa on the last play of the game. Whip My Hair!

Flo Rida: The Gators Turn Around. In nature’s perfect harmony, the song referred to herein is a favourite at strip clubs, as are Gator players. Spell your state’s name? Sound it out Gator recruits. You can do it! Or here, this nice pretty girl tutor can spell it for you.

Read This Instead

TCU:

Christians slaughter Utes and it’s not even Columbus Day! [5] (What’s this about them changing conferences? A Far East Movement?) I discovered there is a Texas Christian University Jazz Ensemble recording available[6], something that amuses the flaming hades out of me when I think of the origins of the word “jazz” and combine it with “Christian”. Their rhythm method must be pumpin’ hard on one track called, seriously, Bone Appetit. That’s for you DirtyHeads. Okay, that’s enough of this… Oh wait… The inevitable …

Boise State:

Oh, now do I have to say something about Boise State? Related to music? And football? Good freakin’ Charlotte, I give up. On a related non-musical note (get it sportswriters?) here’s the Boise State fight song (sic). Hum along if you can. By the way, the lyrics include the words “Boise’s proud tradition[7] heads up competition. Glory for B.S., B.S.U.” Glory for B.S. indeed. Okay, spudlovers, please win out and play TCU for the “national championship.” In that way “the system” will work; it will finally be truly “mythical” and I won’t have to listen to thisanymore.

And finally, Texas: Remember Texas? Remember 2005? Even 2009? Instead of crying over the loss to Kansas State and a quarterback who had exactly nine (9) yards passing while yours had five (5) interceptions, are you nostalgically watching Colt McCoy quarterbacking the Cleveland Browns beating the Patriots 34-14? If you are, here’s Kelly Clarkson, singing 2005’s hit Since You’ve Been Gone.

[7] See artificial turf by Monsanto, available in blue. Pretty much nothing else seems to qualify as one of their “traditions”. It “heads up” competition though. They are without a doubt the premier blue plastic carpet team in the nation. Take that Red Grange.