How Maryland Unionists defined Maryland secessionists (a satire)

From the December 18, 1861 edition of the Herald of Freedom and Torch Light:

The kind of Secessionists we have in Maryland.

A. Is a Secessionist because the fugitive slave law has not been enforced, which subjected South Carolina to such disastrous losses, that the Union must be dissolved as a means of self-preservation.

B. Because Maryland should be united with Virginia, — therefore, if Virginia had abolished slavery twenty years ago, as Charles J. Faulkner wished her to do, Maryland should have followed suit.

C. Having been born in Pennsylvania must necessarily have “Southern proclivities” after emigrating to Maryland.

D. Is a novel-reading young lady who imagines that each and every rebel soldier is sole owner and possessor of 500 acres and 1000 niggers, and that the presence of Jeff’s army in Maryland would present plenty of good “catches.”

E. Believes in State’s rights when States do what F. thinks right.

F. Is an old lady who thinks that she and her daughters cannot be aristocratic unless they proclaim themselves “Southern.”

G. Is opposed to Black Republicanism, and turns up his nose at the “Lincoln Flag” — the Stars and Stripes — but for the protection of which, G.’s forefathers might have remained in Europe, and G. be an Organ Grinder.

H. Has a second cousin whose aunt lives in Arkansas, and H. “can never take up arms to shed the blood of his kindred.”

I. Was raised a Democrat, and has not yet learned that the definition of Democracy is not Breckinridge, Bridge-burning and Treason.

J. Has an eye to matrimony, and if an opportunity presents will marry a lady who owns niggers, — if he can.

K. Is one of the fossil remains of broken down aristocracy, which can only be revived by an oligarchy or monarchy.

L. Is a reader of the Mail and believes that if “let alone,” Jeff. Davis will peacefully bombard all the Union Forts, burn the Capital of the Country, and as a consequence, happiness and peace will reign in the land.

M. Thinks Maryland should be liberated by the Chivalry from the oppressive weight of 30,000 majority cast for the union.

N. Denies that he is a Secessionist, but wishes to see the Union as it was: the precise time in the past he does not specify, but supposed to be a few weeks before Columbus discovered America.

O. Agrees with N. and wants Maryland to remain “neutral,” i.e. if Jeff. does not want the State she will remain in the Union, if he does want it, beseech him to “Take it up tenderly, Handle with care, etc.”

P. Is in favor of the Union and the Constitution at all times, but favor of the enforcement of the laws, only with Jeff’s approval.

Q. Is a timid man, likes to care of himself and knowing how tolerant the Government is in permitting men to express Secession sentiments, concludes that it is safe to be a “Secesh,” particularly as his dreams are disturbed by visions of Beauregard and his army whose intolerance and despotism will prevent his whispering “Union;” if as he fears (or hopes) they should cross the Potomac.

R. Is a peace man, but as Teakle Wallis the apostle of peace has issued no manifestoes of late, R. has no theory by which peace is to be restored. By the time Wallis returns to Baltimore, perhaps sooner, R. will be enlightened by Gen. McClellan.

S. Professes to be a Unionist — speaks of the Union Army, as our army, — but for some reason which S. thinks is not understood, he has a dejected appearance when “our army” is victorious, and is elated at the success of the rebel forces.

T. Has been north — traveled from one end to the other of the Franklin Railroad, consequently knows what Northern sentiment is, and knows that Maryland and Pennsylvania cannot be at peace in the Union.

U. Only avows himself a Secessionist, and hurrahs for Jeff. Davis when intoxicated; when he presents himself for a pension from Uncle Sam he is careful that he is not intoxicated.

V. Has an eye to the prosperity of Baltimore and fears that grass will grow in her streets, therefore he endorses the destruction of the Baltimore and Ohio Railroad as the most efficient way of preventing the aforesaid streets turning green.

W. Contends that Lincoln overstepped Constitutional limits in his efforts to quell the rebellion, and being a Constitution loving man, opposes the war, preferring that his friends in South Carolina should sink the old ship than that the President would strain a single rope to save it.

X. Fears war taxes, but is unconcerned at the losses sustained by the Government in the capture of Sumter, or the plundering practiced by Floyd & Co.

Y. Always said that “the Union” could not be preserved by fighting; — South Carolina entertaining the same views, commenced the fight by attempting to assassinate Major Anderson.

Z. In May last foresaw a war of 20 years duration — the capture of Hatteras reduced it in his estimation to 15 — Floyd and Wise’s retreat from Western Virginia to 10 — Commodore DuPont’s cannonading to 5, and General McClellan will in reality reduce it to 18 months.