In that time, I’ve been promoted three times and I’ve received multiple raises. But it’s a small publishing house on a metaphorically small, remote island within the broader publishing industry.

And unless my boss gets torn apart by angry maenads sometime soon, I’ve literally reached the top of the ladder here. There’s nowhere else to go within my company, and very few options for other publishing jobs in the area.

I feel trapped. I feel like a failure. I’m bored, directionless, and frustrated. I want to enjoy going to work again. I want to feel challenged and get paid more.

So because I’m feeling rather… truthsome right now, I want to dissect my current career stagnation. I want to confess my failures and seek absolution. People of the Internet, be gentle with me.

Humiliation and jealousy

I’m not prone to jealousy. I normally view my friends’ successes with all the pride of a lioness watching her cubs bring down their first antelope. But it’s been getting harder and harder to express my support without feeling like their achievements are a reminder of how much I haven’t achieved. Of how stuck I feel and how desperately I want to move on.

When my husband first started making more money than me, we laughed about how we were caving to the will of the patriarchy, even though he was only out-earning me by about $2K. But by the time he was out-earning me by $25K… the joke wasn’t funny anymore.

Watching Kitty conquer the business world one job hop and promotion at a time has been similarly thrilling. But while I genuinely want to express my support and excitement for her, I constantly worry I sound like that friend. You know: the one you can’t tell about your new boyfriend because every time you talk about dating she reminds you that she hasn’t had a date in five years and it must be nice to be so wanted.

I don’t want to be that mopey shrew! I want to be a righteous and foul-mouthed cheerleader for the career fulfillment of my ride-or-dies!

And yet I also cringe when friends ask how work’s going. Because they all know that I’ve been searching for a new job for… literally years. And it’s more than a little embarrassing to admit that during that time I haven’t succeeded. I’ve had interviews, I’ve had offers, and yet… nothing has changed for me. And explaining why is just humiliating.

I’m fucking bored

I’ve mastered everything there is to master. This isn’t egotism: I’m really fucking good at what I do, and my accolades and promotions reflect that.

I came into my field extremely motivated and prepared and was promoted incredibly quickly. By the age of 26, I was an acquiring editor with my own list, something many editors don’t achieve until their mid thirties or forties. I started my company’s internship program, increased our conference attendance, started a new series and list, and increased acquisitions by 12% annually.

At this point I’m making up bullshit challenges for myself because I don’t know how else to stay awake.

My commute is too long

Twenty miles one-way sucks, even if I can work from home one or two days per week. There are only so many audiobooks at the library!

And friends? I fucking hate driving. My car is used almost exclusively for my commute, as I can get away with walking, biking, or busing everywhere else. My husband’s office is only two miles from our house, and he dare not complain about his glorious morning stroll of a commute in my presence.

I practically fantasize about getting a job closer to home.

I hate my boss

My relationship with my boss has drastically deteriorated. It’s to the point where I stare at him while he talks and imagine stapling his mouth closed, stabbing him in the jugular with his pretentious fucking fountain pen, setting myself on fire, and jumping out the window.

And he has no idea.

He condescends to me constantly. He talks over me. He does that really cool thing where I’ll voice an idea, and he’ll dismiss it only to rephrase it a moment later as if it’s his own and he just thought of it.

The other day, he literally said, “No, you wouldn’t know how to use it,” when I asked him for a fucking spreadsheet.

It’s the kind of low-level, unconscious discrimination and undermining that frustrates me and drives down my self-esteem. I’ve questioned my competence and second-guessed myself to the detriment of the company. Working under him has become intolerable. I GRIND MY TEETH IN HIS GENERAL DIRECTION.

I feel worthless and stupid

If I haven’t gotten a new job in all these years, it must be because I suck, right? No? Well then, you tell me!

Why the everloving fuck haven’t I moved on by now?

What I’m really trying to wrap my head around right now is… why have I stayed? Why haven’t I moved on once in the last almost eight years?

I tell myself that it’s not for lack of trying. I’ve interviewed for a number of other jobs over the years, some of which I’ve come thiiiiiiis close to getting. I even turned down three offers. And others I just didn’t get because I’m not willing to relocate and they’re not willing to hire a telecommuter.

I told myself it was all because if I was going to move on, it had to be for something better. And every time I almost left but didn’t, I was able to angle myself for a small raise. The small raises kept coming, my schedule kept getting more flexible, the feathers in my cap sprouted so often that I looked like some kind of Musketeer pimp.

And I stayed.

If you throw a frog in a pot of boiling water, it’ll jump out to save itself. But if you put a frog in a pot of cool water and slowly, gradually turn the heat up… the frog will stay in the pot. And it will die.

I’m not a frog. (Not for lack of trying. My life’s ambition is still to become a Muppet.) But I have been content to sit on my ass while a shitty situation gradually gets shittier.

Because up until recently, I’ve been safe. Change is scary and it takes effort. And for my health I try never to expend effort where I don’t have to!

So why expend the monumental effort involved in making a change when just… not… is so damn safe and comfortable?

I can handle feeling bored and frustrated every day. I can handle imagining my boss buying the farm in increasingly more gruesome and creative ways. That kind of simmering resentment is totally my style! But taking the risk to switch jobs? That just sounds exhausting.

Of course… I’m hiding behind humor. In truth, I’m not afraid of effort or a challenge. I’m not lazy. I run for fun. I adopted the most damaged dog at the shelter because I wanted to fix him, and by god I fucking did.

So I’m not afraid of a challenge.

I’m afraid of failing.

I’m afraid of things being worse somewhere else.

I’m… afraid.

And my fear has kept me locked in place for literally years, missing out entirely on opportunities to improve my life and finances. I’m paralyzed by fear. I’ll put up with being miserable at my job because I’m too afraid that no one else will want me.

And up until recently, it was pretty easy to stay in this flat circle of self-pity and routine. I kept asking for raises regularly and reveled in my flexible schedule and relative autonomy. I didn’t risk reaching for anything significantly better because things were Just Fine I Guess.

Until one day I asked for a raise and for the first time ever… I didn’t get it.

Not only did I not get the raise, but a few days later I was informed along with the rest of the staff that we wouldn’t be getting our COL raises this year either.

The pot was boiling and I’d missed my chance to jump out.

My parachute

I’ll admit I kind of panicked. I felt like a fool. I wallowed in self-pity and felt my heart race until my fingers and toes tingled from lack of oxygen and I felt like I was going to die (panic attacks are no joke, y’all).

Then I went through the painfully overdue process of giving myself an ultimatum.

I will leave my job by the end of 2017.

And the job I was at that moment applying for would be the last publishing job to which I ever applied.

The second part of my ultimatum turned out to be distressingly anticlimactic. I interviewed over Skype for this out-of-state job, it went okay, and then I waited. A few months later I had lunch with my publishing friend Angel, and he told me “Oh hey, did I tell you I applied for that job? Yeah, after the online interview they flew me out for an in-person interview. Sounds like I’m in the final three.”

Oh. Ok then. I guess I’m not in the running anymore.

So now I’m going to leave my company of almost eight years and leave the industry to which I have dedicated my entire education and career. NO BIG DEAL!

In a way, making the decision feels empowering, freeing. It’s bittersweet, but letting go of this stage of my life is the right thing to do if I want to increase my income to achieve financial independence and—more importantly—a healthier lifestyle sooner.

Something’s gotta give, especially if it’s my inertia.

I’m nervous to publish this. But you know what? It’s ok to talk about your failures. You don’t have to pretend that everything’s perfect all the time.

You, darling readers, are my accountability partners in this process. I have bared my soul to you, revealed my shameful insecurity. What I ask from you in return is that you be similarly bold on your own behalf.

Admit your faults and failures. Hold them up to the light.

And then forgive yourself.

I don’t know what my next job will look like. Maybe I’ll make make my freelance editing business a full-time gig (though I doubt it, because apparently we’re about to descend into an abyss of medieval era medical care).

I know that I’m going to have to work hard to figure out how to sell my skillset and talents outside of the insular publishing industry. I need to redefine my career, which is terrifying. But it’s also a little bit exciting. I don’t even know if I’m ready for this.

Thank you for sharing your story! I had to laugh/cry through most of it because I relate, truly. I gave notice at my job recently, a job I have been looking to leave for three of the last seven years (love the company at heart and my work in fundraising, but not its current style). What you spoke about fear and getting comfortable? About questioning yourself and skills due to poor leadership at your organization? I hear you! I too am taking a leap into the unknown, because I knew I needed to change my inertia or nothing would happen. My personal/professional growth would become stunted, my income would plateau, and worst of all I risked becoming a curmudgeonly old stick in the mud one day. So, I am taking a leap into the unknown too. I have a dream gig lined up, but it’s volunteer and yet I just do not care because it is a dream gig and a chance to prove myself in new realms and to grow and learn. I have to believe with each new step forward the next paying job and incredible opportunity will unfold. Again, good luck and THANK YOU for being brave enough to share your story. As I said, I laugh/cried through the entire thing knowing a lot of your pain and applaud you for being an inspiration!

Thank you for sharing! I love your writing – you KEEP IT REAL. Not every job is great. Not every job is even passably good. And the whole idea of ‘time invested’ keeps us in bad places far longer than we ever need to be. Thank you for speaking Truth. Good luck opening that door and stepping into the unknown. You can do it!

When you’ve got to leave, you’ve got to leave. I was in publishing (trade mags) for years. When they closed a sister title, gave us half of their pagination (ie, increased our mag size by 50%) and took a member of staff out of our team, I finally had the kick out of the pot that had been coming to the boil for years. It will be a great thing – and you’ll be glad you did it. Sometimes, staying one place seems like the safe thing to do, but it isn’t. Things change around you and that feeling of safety is an illusion – it’s just that you’re not in charge of the change. Good luck!

Wow, thanks for sharing. I’ve got a lot of the same feelings (although I like my boss just fine), and the whole being comfortable with boredom and lack of motivation is like looking into a mirror. I appreciate you working through that in the open. It helps some of us who are going through a similar thing. Can’t wait to see which ass you decide to kick next!

Gods – I feel this on a spiritual level. I was very fortunate that I recently got promoted(?) to a different department at my job, but I’ve worked in customer service for the last 12 years. I’m 29. I want DESPERATELY to never talk to a customer again. So when I was asked if I was interested in joining the Ops team at work, I jumped. I don’t care about Ops, I’m sure I’ll be annoyed with it eventually, but this is a quick path out of the soul crushing work I’ve been doing for more than a decade. I have no idea what I’m doing and they’re training me while we go (which is why they’re getting away with paying me less than the standard salary), but all I wanted was literally anything that wasn’t customer service. I really wish that I had made more moves over the last 12 years that would have given me broader opportunities.

I commend you for making the choice proactively and so much luck to you with this change! I’m rooting for you!

PS – I feel you on the commute. Mine is obscenely long and shortening that is #1 priority for the next job that I get.

I went to school for design. I got a job that is technically in my field because thankfully I can draw, but it’s retail. I can’t get out because I get paid just this side of too much. Can’t move out of my parent’s on it, but I can pay all my student loans and other bills. I would have to start at the bottom in a pit (hello ONLY unpaid internships everywhere!) AND the whole idea of being a designer is kind of fizzled out for me. I just don’t believe that there’s a job I can do, that will actually want me. And I’m scared that I won’t be able to do well enough and everything will somehow be more terrible than it already is. I am afraid someone will yell at me cause I’m dumb. Oh Hey Irrational! When did you get here?

Between tolls and gas I spend about $300/month on travel to work.
I just found out I’m about 3 years from completely paying off my student loans.
Praying my car holds together, and that I don’t completely die inside just doesn’t seem like a good option though.

First up, I super admire that you’ve been totally badass and asked for raises (and also invented shit to keep from keeling over from boredom) because I haven’t done that a single time. I’m scared to.

I’ve spent my entire career thus far (I know I’m pretty much still a baby BUT STILL) bored as hell because I had no idea what I wanted to do out of college and had already done admin assistant jobs so that was my “experience” and all I felt comfortable applying for. I was scared I was never going to get a job in the first place so what did it matter if the job I did finally get was a shitty one? (Also draining your savings during a 2-month period of unemployment while living on your own for the first time super makes you accept the first shitty thing you’re offered. Underpaid? WHO CARES, IT’S A JOB.)

We’re going through a reorganization right now and I’m cautiously optimistic that I’ll be able to leverage this into something more interesting/someone high enough up will finally have heard me yelling “I’M BORED AS HELL IN THIS SHIT JOB, FOR FUCK’S SAKE GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO THAT INVOLVES USING MY GODDAMN BRAIN.” But I don’t want to hold my breath. And if nothing good happens on that front, I’m also afraid I’m just going to continue to sit here and get underpaid to be bored and resentful. I’m afraid that even if something great happens but I don’t get a pay raise, I’m going to continue to sit here and be underpaid, even if I’m no longer bored and resentful. Actually applying for new jobs is my kryptonite (it took what seemed like forever to leave my first job, but that was also probably because I was bored all of 3 months in), and dear lord do I feel you on the inertia thing. It’s just…easier and I am scared as hell of failing, too. I KNOW in theory that not landing that job or not even getting called in for an interview isn’t a sign of my worth, but I haven’t actually internalized that. Rejection is a bitch.

So tl;dr, all of this is to say I’m scared of EVERYTHING and I ADMIRE YOU FOR SO MANY REASONS. I LOVE that you’ve given yourself an ultimatum and that even though it’s terrifying, you’re being brave and taking the leap. THAT IS AWESOME, and you’re so ready to do this!

The importance of loving your job is overrated. I love my job and yet I still need to totally change careers. Hating your job likewise is not the end of the world, but only if you are compensated (with money, flexibility, acknowledgment, feeling of supporting a worthy cause, innovating/furthering a field etc) to be worth the amount you hate it. So don’t fear failure! This whole concept of there being some “perfect job” out there for everyone is a sham. A job that gives you the things you need to live the life you want in exchange for an amount of time/effort/expertise that you feel good about is totally attainable. I think of it as the janitor scale… I would be perfectly happy to be a janitor if I made a shit ton of money and had a generous PTO package. Every job lands somewhere on the continuum.

Preach. I came to terms with this somewhat recently. I’m an accountant (everyone’s dream job when they’re growing up!) and went through a mid-20s existential crisis thinking that I had made a huge mistake pursuing a career that isn’t exactly the stuff that makes your soul feel alive. Not really sure that any job except for perhaps a select few would do that and I realized that the high comp makes up for the lack of unbridled passion that I don’t exactly feel towards this profession. Doing this for another decade or so will allow for an enormous amount of financial freedom and hopefully (early) financial independence. In short, it’s all a balancing act and if our careers meet a balanced set of criteria that enable us to live a fulfilled life as a whole, then sometimes that’s good enough.

I promise, promise, PROMISE, it will be the best decision you make. You will survive. You have it in you. It will open the door to something unknown that is better. The only thing you will regret is waiting so long, but there is so much life lesson in that anyway so don’t fret. Can’t wait to celebrate New Years together and welcome 2018 with open arms.

Love,
Your dear friend who jumped off the proverbial cliff and didn’t die.

Okay if I write a novel-length response? No? Okay, I’ll try to contain it, but there’s so much to respond to! First, sending virtual hugs. I know this is really tough, especially as you now face down the great unknown, and just know that we’re sending the the love virtually. Second, the patriarchy. As someone who has been outearned 30-50% by my partner the entire time together, I get it. (Especially because I am smarter and better looking. Ha!) 😉 I think I finally made something like peace with it by reminding myself many times that what he earns is my money, too, and so while it isn’t fair or just or good for society or any of that, it’s still better for me and my quest for financial independence if we collectively earn more, regardless of the source. That said, you know I agitate like crazy for better pay for women especially at my company. I will go out in a blaze of glory if I have to to make the point. Last thing is on promotions and titles and such. Having maxed out in my own career, I can definitely say that I never at any point got happier because of either my title or my job duties. I might have been able to move out from under bad managers at a few points, but I just swapped that for different bullshit like dealing with more company drama, having more revenue pressure, etc. Not to say that there isn’t value in moving up, because there for sure is. (Biggest: You deserve recognition and validation and work that’s more interesting.) But just that I think I’d always imagined and been promised that higher titles would make me happier, and I don’t know anyone for whom that’s true, except for those who quit the whole employment game altogether and work for themselves. Almost every senior manager I know secretly wishes for a demotion. And Mr. ONL often say that if we had it to do over again, we would go into slightly lower-paid but less status-focused careers, and just enjoy the coasting. Just offering that for whatever it’s worth, because I think we glamorize climbing the ladder, and there just ain’t no glamour up there for most of us. And I know I said that was the last thing, but one more: I TOTALLY support you finding something that’s healthier for you. I think we’re the poster children for pushing ourselves way too hard in the sprint to FI, only to have it impact our health and happiness and give us way too many gray hairs. Slow down a little and take care of yourself. Your well-being is so much more important than shaving a few months off your ER timeline. Sending lots of love! xoxoxo

Dude I’ve been there. Thankfully I got out with a offer making 22k more a year in a lower cost of living area close to friends and family. I lucked out big time.

My wife has to leave her job this year. It sucks. We agreed after we close on our house she will find something else. If she doesn’t get an offer she will still leave by new years. It’s stressful to the point that it’s impacting her health and on occasion our relationship. That shit can’t go on forever.

Good luck in the hunt. I can relate to how tough and discouraging it can be at times, but after you take the leap you’ll feel better.

You know when you read a blog post and you feel like the blogger could see the inside of your brain? This post was that for me! Major kudos for being honest with us (and yourself) about your job. I absolutely hate change, but at this point, it’s also what I desperately need. So, congrats on giving yourself an ultimatum. Sometimes that’s the easiest way to push yourself to change.

Sometimes, you just have to leap. Sadly, it’s so GD terrifying. I hear you on this. The one time I quit my job to change districts, I felt so many things, including feeling like I was betraying my students. Ugh. I’m so glad you shared, and I can’t wait to hear more about how you’re kicking your comfort zone’s ass.

All of the hugs! I so, so hear this. I’m an academic. I went to an ivy for my PhD and got a postdoc at an even better ivy. And there have been two jobs for what I do in five years. I got neither and my position runs out at the end of the year. If something doesn’t work out, I’m leaving academia after ten years. No idea for what but I can’t do this any longer. I’m terrified but also ready to be done.

I have been applying for new positions as well – some are dream jobs, some are just an escape. I keep getting very close – i.e. making it to the top three candidates – only to get the reluctant phone call that hey, we have decided to go with someone else (or they ghost you entirely, that’s fun too). It’s exhausting and defeating, and writing CVs may very well be the worst pastime ever.

Thanks for keeping it so real. Your words are truly inspiring and I cannot wait to see what Piggy cooks up by the end of 2017. You got this.

Oh my gosh Piggy, I feel (actually felt) you on this so much. I’m here to tell you that you can leave and come out on the other side and be way, way better for it.
I was in a similar place as you, worked a decent job but climbed as high as I possibly could and had horrible bosses on top of that. I stuck around for way to long and still regret not getting out sooner. Honestly though, I hate finding new jobs and was terrified to leave the stability. It took another opportunity to hit me straight in the face before I was willing to make the jump.
Way to set a goal for yourself, I am positive you’ll be happier for it!

I was in a similar position a few years ago. I was in a job where I was bored and miserable. I hated my boss, he was a selfish douchbag and yet I put up with him for nearly 9 years. After months of trying and getting my confidence kicked I landed a really great job and I survived!

As much as I wish that I had left years earlier I do believe everything happens for a reason. I’ve learned to forgive myself and move on.

I wish you all the best in this next chapter! You will find a great job and don’t be too hard on yourself, life is too short for that 🙂

Piggy to Piggy, I know how you feel. I JUST left my old job 2 weeks ago for a different internal one (I still wanted to work for my company) because of my old boss. He is everything you described your own boss to be, with the added bonus of favouring the only other male in the team while talking down to all the (extremely hardworking) girls.

My previous job I left because of the same type of boss – that one was much more scarring and took me 2 years to build up my confidence again. If I see him in the street he should run in the other direction….

My advice is that removing yourself from those people will give you space to find yourself again. You might find that these painful situations all stem from one bad relationship (i.e. your boss) and then the unhappiness spreads to other parts of your life.

You have talent and are in demand (you’ve scored so my interviews and offers over the years) – it may be work quitting and taking a few months off to find yourself again.

I didn’t have time to comment earlier this week as I was traveling. I echo everyone that said that you will be fine – and that you’re going to do great with finding a much better position!!

I know exactly how you feel. I’ve had my share of pretty terrible managers and jobs, but none as excruciating as when I first got out of gradschool.

I was in between jobs at that time, and had exactly enough money in my bank account to cover 1 month of expenses. I was desperate for any work, and took the first position that I was offered, without negotiating.
This company had a one star rating on Glassdoor, by the way. The biggest complaint was that it was a hostile work environment for women.

I took the job in spite of my future boss literally feeling me up in the interview! I’m not kidding – he couldn’t stop hugging me through the interview, and then ‘accidentally’ grabbed my boobs (twice) as he kept hugging me goodbye.

I put up with 13 months of pretty god awful sexual harassment from this man. 13 months!!

One of my friends who experienced the same thing ran to HR, and got fired within a week for her “poor work performance”. I couldn’t afford to quit and I felt so trapped.

I finally walked out after my boss dropped his pants in front of me one day. That’s what it took for me to finally jump ship.

I have never felt so low career wise in my life as I did in that job. Literally worthless.

I can’t even tell you how incredibly freeing it was to just walk away, with zero prospects lined up.
I found a job 5 days later that paid 10k more than what I earned in this stupid position. I’ve since gone on to triple my income, and I’m in a much better position career wise now.

For me, very similar to what you’ve described, the fear of the unknown was what kept me in that role for over a year. I didn’t think I could find anything better without much experience, and I wasn’t sure that it wouldn’t be just as bad in another role.

I know you’ll do great once you leave!!

Just take the leap, and get out of there. Trust me, you’ll be SO much better off in the long run!

I love the candor of the blog — one of the main reasons I keep coming back to read.

I really have no advice to offer since I’m not a great example of someone who’s really in love with his career. I’m a sellout of sorts but a happy one: it’s an easy job that I can do from home and we’re close enough to FI that the pot isn’t likely to boil in time. 🙂

The only helpful advice I offer anyone re: career is to read 48 Days to the Work You Love.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts! My wife and I were just saying Sunday night, “THANK GOD we do not have to go to work tomorrow!” I was/am recovering from a small cold, and we are just so exhausted taking care of our little one.

Just know the FEAR in your head is worse than reality. I’ve probably consulted with over 80 people 1X1 over the past 5 years about engineer their layoff and moving on. If you’d like a copy of my book, How To Engineer Your Layoff, to read and potentially help you move on, just shoot me an e-mail.

Very good and honest post! In my experience, it is often the case that other people’s jobs seem perfect, but in reality most of them are not. It is just because they are not as good as talking about the bad sides as you are!

Sound’s like me two years ago, when I left my job as executive assistant in a German publishing house. I was really insecure, if I could work in other industries, because I had worked for this company since graduating from University. Today I can happily report, that the publishing skillset is pretty much appreciated in sectors with a more technical emphasis, because they often need someone who’s able to communicate clearly or like *at all*. These sectors tend to pay much better, by the way 🙂 Good luck for you!

That’s great news! Did you find you had trouble explaining to these technical industries what exactly your skills were? And what kind of jobs did you apply for? I’m in the thick of the application process and don’t want to fuck it up…

Just found your blog via the Plutus Awards–congrats on the nomination!–and I can’t believe I didn’t know about you before! I also can’t imagine how tough it might have been to publish this post, but thank you so very much for doing so. On blogs, facebook, etc, we mostly hear about the good stuff, but this post is far more real than any of that. We need to talk about this stuff. Also, I identify with much of what you wrote. I just got rejected yesterday for what would have been a lateral but new position where I hoped to have better chances to grow and have a more semi-normal work environment. It sucks ass feeling stuck. I’m looking forward to reading more of your blog and hearing about the next steps in your journey!

I can’t believe you didn’t know about us before either! Don’t you know we’re #internetfamous????
And thank you for your very kind words. The response to this post has been overwhelming to say the least. I don’t know how I can thank everyone for being so supportive. It makes me feel so much more confident about my choice.