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6.10.2013

On Procreating

The other night I had a dream that scared the bejeezus out of me. It was like an episode of ‘I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ where I realized at 20 weeks that I was with child. I was terrified.

Chuck and I were in Pittsburgh with no family or friends nearby. We could barely make ends meet with just two mouths to feed. I didn't have enough annual or sick leave accumulated at work to even have more than a day of maternity leave. We just plain couldn't afford to make a baby.

When I woke up, I realized that it wasn't a dream. This is our reality. We cannot afford to have a baby.

Reason #1 Why we won't be making babies anytime soon?

I'm poor.

Memorial Day weekend we spent a few days with Chuck's family in Ohio. And I got to spend some time bonding with my brand new nephew. Let me tell you something: I was the most awkward person you've ever seen hold a baby. I do have a nurturing side, but I am the most non-maternal person there is. I couldn't burp him right, felt like I couldn't feed him right and was just altogether scared shitless at the possibility of breaking him.

I have no idea what to even do with a baby.

Reason #2 Why we won't be making babies anytime soon?

I'm scared.

Not only did that Memorial Day weekend scare me, but it really allowed me to witness the reality of having a newborn who consumes all of your time. I love being lazy on the weekends. I love being able to watch bad reality TV, make spontaneous plans and hunker down for a few hours to read a good book. A baby changes everything, and I'm not sure I'm ready to give that up just yet.

Reason #3 Why we won't be making babies anytime soon?

I'm selfish.

Hubby and I have begun making plans for our one-year anniversary trip. Given our financial constraints, it will by no means be an extravagant trip, but I'm super excited by the prospect of having four days of just Chuck-and-Kaity. During the work week, I get to see my husband when we wake up and when we go to sleep. I haven't even known him for three years yet. Quite simply, I want more time with him.

Reason #4 Why we won't be making babies anytime soon?

I'm not ready to share.

I pray that one day I'll be as good a mother as I know Chuck is destined to be a father. But until then I'm content to just keep him to myself, to travel, and to enjoy my youth. We only get these years once and I want to take full advantage of them!

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6 comments:

Babies are definitely expensive! My husband and I were married a year ago, only to find out months later he was infertile. Happy wedding day to us (not). We're on our second round of IVF and at $15,000 a round, its pretty expensive. I don't think people understand how expensive babies are to begin with, let alone the costs that come with infertility! I like your plan though, especially the whole trip for your anniversary plan. I can't wait to read about what you two do! :)

Brandon and I have been married going on 3 years, and we're no where ready for babies either. Take all the time you guys want and need to just be together, have fun, travel and fall more in love with each other. That's what we're doing. For our next anniversary we're taking a cruise :)

It's OK to be selfish and scared. And yes, babies are expensive, but in the end you'll somehow make ends meet. xoAlisha

A baby will definitely change your life and add so much joy, but it is smart to wait until you know you are ready! When the time comes though and you do experience the joy of motherhood, it is such an extraordinary blessing! Love your blog! xo, Kelsey