Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge
Absinthe is legal in the United States and it is not nearly as
effective as I show it to be in my story. If it were then it would be
the coolest drink in the world . . . illegal too unless I miss my
guess.

Absinthe Makes the Heart
Grow Fonder

"So what do you think this year
will be like?" Ron asked Hermione. The two of them were on the
train coming back from their beginning of the year meeting.

"Hopefully it will be nice and
quiet . . . wait, do you hear something?"

"Bwahahaha," Harry ran by
sans clothing.

"You were saying?"

"Get him," Hermione said and
the chase began.

"Can't catch me," Harry
screamed. "I'm invisible."

"Stun him," Hermione
screamed.

"Right," Harry agreed.

"Well that was . . ." Ron cut
off when Harry felled him with a well placed right cross.

"Stupidfie," Harry screamed.
"Go 'im."

"I wasn't . . . never mind. Now,
let's go back to the compartment and put your clothes back on."

Meanwhile, Draco and his goons were
walking up the isle for their yearly harrasment in Harry's
compartment.

"Ok, here's how I want it to go."
Draco began. "I'll open the door, and make a comment on how poor
Weasley's family is. Then I want you two to leer at any girls in the
compartment, maybe make a comment about how you hope you get a turn
after the Dark Lord takes them prisoner. Then I'm going to . . . what
the hell. Potter?"

"Stupidfie, Stupidfie, Stupidfie."
Harry yelled as he knocked all three of them out with a series of
well placed punches. "Now what to do with them?"

IIIIIIIIII

"Aieeeee," Draco screamed. He
wasn't sure how it had happened, but someone had stripped him and
tied him to the front of the train. Where the hell were his goons?
They were supposed to prevent things like that from happening. "Oh
no," he groaned as his eyes spied a herd of cattle crossing the
tracks ahead. "What have I done to deserve this?"

IIIIIIIIII

"Ok, here's what's happening."
Hermione said to the group. "Harry is naked and running around
the train . . . Ginny come back here."

"Awwww."

"You too Luna."

"Awwww."

"Neville?"

"I just needed to go to the
bathroom," Neville protested. Actually it was because the last
time he got caught in one of their wacky adventures, he ended up
spending a rather unpleasant night petrified on the floor of the
common room.

"You can go later," Hermione
said firmly. "Or in the corner over there. As I was saying,
Harry is running around the train naked and we have to find him
before he causes any trouble. Questions?"

"Why is Harry running around the
train naked?"

"Because the twins gave him
something to drink," Hermione said with a pointed glare at Fred
and George.

"Luna," Hermione called out.
"You don't have to put your hand up, you can just ask."

"Should we take off our
clothes too so he trusts us?" Luna asked.

"No, now let's go get him."

IIIIIIIIII

"And that's what started
everything Professor," Hermione said meekly.

"That still doesn't explain all
the damage," Dumbledore said sternly. "Or why Harry is
still missing."

"Well . . ."

"Why don't we let them get
something to eat first?" Minerva suggested. "They can pick
up the rest of the story later."

"Very well."

Hermione fled the room Albus turned to
Minerva with a questioning look on her face.

"We found Messers Crabbe and
Goyle," Minerva said. "Naked and in a rather . . .
compromising position in one of the luggage compartments. What
exactly is it that you're teaching those students Severus?"

"It was all Potter's doing,"
Snape growled. "We should expel him."

"You really need to get a new
catch phrase," Poppy said in a sing song voice. "Looser."

"The conversation isn't about how
much of a looser Severus is," Dumbledore said firmly. "Why
don't we talk about what happened in the great hall while we wait for
them to return?"

IIIIIIIIII

"So what are you planning to do
this year Albus?" Minerva asked.

"I was thinking that it might be
fun to engineer a situation that puts Harry in danger, then watch as
the little rascal finds a way out of the predicament."

"Sounds like what you do every
year."

"Why mess with success?"
Dumbledore replied. "I . . ."

"Craaaw," Harry screamed as
he ran into the Great Hall. The Professors watched in shock as Naked
Harry jumped onto their table and made several lewd pelvic thrusts in
the direction of their new Defence Professor.

"Mister Potter," McGonagall
said in shock.

"Ahhh, bees." Harry screamed.
"You'll never take me alive." His message given, Harry made
an impossible leap up and through one of the windows.

"That was Harry Potter?"

"It was Deloris."

"Then my work is done," the
woman stood. "My task was to discredit Harry Potter and drive
him insane. From the looks of things, I've done just that. Damn I'm
good. A qualified Professor from the Department of Magical Law
Enforcement will be here sometime in the next three days."

IIIIIIIIII

"Stroke of luck in getting rid of
her though," Minerva mused. "I never did like that bitch."

"Minerva?"

"Well I didn't, and it's not like
I don't know those words. Just don't normally use them around
students is all."

"I wonder where Harry is now?"

IIIIIIIIII

"Wormtail?"

"Yes master?"

"Do you see a naked Harry Potter
walking towards us with a pair of hedge clippers?"

"You see it too master?"

"I'm not Harry Potter?" Harry
screamed. "I'm HEDGE MAN."

"Hedge Man?"

"Yes Hedge Man," Harry
agreed. "And I'm here to cut off your head."

"Remind me to torture Severus for
a few hours for being careless with his potions supplies again,"
Voldemort said calmly. "Stupid halusinations."

"I'll make a note of it master,"
Wormtail agreed.

"Hahahahaha," Harry laughed
as he used the hedge clippers to cut off Voldemort's head.

"Wormtail," Voldemort's head
said somehow despite the fact that he, or rather it had no tongues.

"Yes master?'

"This is a really vivid
halusination."

"I know master."

"Gleep," Harry screamed his
war cry and stuck the head on his hedge clippers. "I am."

"Really vivid," Wormtail
said.

"A spy?" Harry screamed.
"Stupidfie," punching the rat in the face. "I am the
greatest in all the land."

IIIIIIIIII

"He can't be getting into too much
trouble," Minerva said with a laugh. "Not like he could . .
. oh I don't know, find Voldemort's hideout or something."

"We're back Headmaster,"
Hermione said as she entered the room. "After we decided to hunt
down Harry, we split up into groups of three and began searching the
train."

IIIIIIIIII

"Dear me, I'm terribly sorry for
disturbing you." Ginny said. "And I want you to know that
you have my support. Not in the whole Death Eater thing, in your
love."

"What was that?" Neville
asked.

"It seems that Crabbe and Goyle
are in a rather passionate relationship."

"Wonder if Draco knows?"

"I wonder if Draco is in on it."

"We found Harry," Ron called
out. "He's on the roof."

They all went to the last car and
carefully climbed the ladder to the top of the train. "Now
what?" Ginny demanded.

"Now we carefully walk to the
front of the train and capture Harry," Hermione replied.

They carefully walked up the train to
confront their naked friend.

"Look at me," Harry screamed.
"I'm on top of the world, wahooo."

"Harry," Hermione said
calmly. "You need to calm down and come with us?"

"Pirates?" Harry yelled. "You
won't get my treasure," that said Harry jumped off the train.

"NO," Ginny screamed.

"He's fine," Hermione said in
frustration. "I saw him go into one of the windows. Anyone have
any suggestions?"

"Maybe we should all get naked
too," Luna suggested. "That way he'll think we're
invisible."

"Anyone have any suggestions that
aren't crazy?"

Harry made his way to the front of the
train, over the coal car, and into the engine. He spent several
seconds examining the controls and then turned off the autopilot and
cranked the speed to maximum.

"Bwahahaha, you'll never catch
me."

Hermione and the others were surprised
when the train began accelerating as they came into sight of the
station and they had only just managed to get back into the train
before it jumped the tracks and into the lake.

"S'not something you see
everyday," Hagrid mused as he watched the train jump the tracks
and crush all the boats.

"Arrr, now to get me lucky
charms." Harry said as he began swimming across the lake.

"That either," Hagrid said to
himself. "Maybe it's time I gave up drinking?"

IIIIIIIIII

"And that's all we know,"
Hermione finished. "We got onto the carriages and you grabbed us
as soon as we walked through the front doors."

"Thank you Ms. Granger,"
McGonagall said. "That will be all."

"I think it's time we called . . .
the Order." Dumbledore said firmly.

"The Order?"

"No not like that,"
Dumbledore said. "You have to have a dramatic pause like this .
. . the Order."

"Fine, the . . . Order."

"Close enough."

IIIIIIIIII

"Oh I . . . Love a parade,"
Harry chanted as he marched down Diagon Alley with Voldemort's head
stuck on his hedge clippers. "And tha . . . hey, an open sewer."

"Gin," Harry said joyfully.
"Horay." His buzz was starting to wear off and that needed
to be fixed.

IIIIIIIIII

"Well?"

"I think I know what happened,"
Poppy said. "You say this is muggle?"

"So I understand," Dumbledore
agreed.

"My test shows that this can react
with a wizard's magical core and if it does then the results are
unpredictable," Poppy said slowly. "Shouldn't happen often,
maybe one out of ten would have this reaction. I'm sure Severus could
tell you more about it."

"Thank you Poppy, you've been a
great help."

"I do what I can Headmaster,"
the school Healer said modestly.

"Headmaster," a breathless
Tonks said as she rushed in. "The Minister just had a heart
attack."

"What, is he dead?"

"I think so," Tonks agreed.
"If not he's going to be very embarrassed when he wakes up."

"Soiled himself?" The school
Healer asked professionally.

"Yep, it really stank too."

"Headmaster," Kingsley yelled
as he ran into the room. "There's a ghost that claims to be
Voldemort haunting one of the sewers, it's really angry and keeps
saying something about tasting as bad as it smells."

"Thank you Kingsley."

"Madame Bones has cordoned off
the area and she sent me to get you," Kingsley said
breathlessly. "She asked you to hurry because the ghost is using
bad language that she doesn't want the new Aurors to hear."

"Tell her that I'll be there
shortly."

IIIIIIIIII

"Hey baby," drunk naked Harry
said to the barmaid at the Three Broomsticks. "Ya wanna go find
some place private to have a bit of fun."

"I'm not sure it would be proper."

"Come on."

"I don't know."

"Come oooon."

"Well."

"Please."

"Ok."

IIIIIIIIII

"So where do you think Mr. Potter
is now?" Professor Sprout asked. She and a group of her
colleagues were headed to Hogsmead for a bit of heavy drink . . .
that is to say, for a meeting.

"With luck, the spoiled brat is
dead in a ditch somewhere."

"Who knows," Flitwick said.
"Not here is all I can say."

Naked drunk Harry wearing only a pair
of panties on his head rushed down the stairs and past several of his
very surprised Professors.