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is an unapologetic, bleeding-heart liberal who writes about everything from politics to private parts. A TV-writer in a former life, her credits include "Big Spender" for Animal Planet,and "A Child Too Many," "Cradle of Conspiracy" & "Deceived By Trust," for Lifetime

Sunday, May 2, 2010

The idea is to make the baby cry as loud as they can and to this end sumo wrestlers hold the babies high in the air and do whatever they can to scare the crap out of them. The toddler who cries longest and loudest is considered the winner. Good times.

The baby crying festival is a 400-year-old tradition and Japanese parents who bring their babies to the contest truly believe the sumo-induced crying wards off evil spirits and keeps their tots in good health.

Yeah… I guess if you don’t count the years of psycho therapy the kid will be requiring as an adult.

###

For all those ladies who lament, “Why can’t a man be more like a woman?”

Big in the news this week has been a new hormone-laced potion nicknamed “cuddle spray” which, when shot into men’s noses can make males more sensitive, empathetic and even snuggly.

The active ingredient is oxytocin, not to be confused with OxyCotin, Rush Limbaugh’s drug of choice, and men whose noses had been sprayed with the hormone expressed levels of empathy typically associated with that of women.

The spray can be found online under the brand name “Liquid Trust,” and the only downside so far is that the effects last only a couple of hours before a repeat squirt is required.

So, ladies, a surreptitious morning squirt in his nose while he still sleeps and then secretly replacing his regular nose spray could just do the trick.

Personally, I’d like to see this stuff in the water supply.

###

And speaking of La Loon Limbaugh…

The defacto leader of the Republican party put forth his theory that “environmental wackos” opposed to off-shore drilling were responsible for blowing up the British Petroleum oil rig in the Gulf this week with this gem: "What better way to head off more oil drilling than by blowing up a rig?" Yep. I see Greenpeace written all over this.

Never one to let facts darken his doorstep, Limbaugh neglected to mention that a failsafe switch that shuts the flow of oil off at the source would have prevented this catastrophe and that such switches are required in off-shore drilling platforms in most of the world -- except for the United States. Why not the U.S.? This was one of the new deregulation gifts to the oil industry devised by Dick Cheney at the beginning of Bush's first term.

Or this pesky little fact: Halliburton, the same company from which Cheney has made a fortune and the same company that, not coincidentally, received all those no-bid contracts in Iraq from, you guessed it, Bush/Cheney – was in charge of running this particular rig.

So it had nothing to do with cutting costs to maximize profits. Of course not. Update: Halliburton was in charge of capping the well. Transocean owned the actual rig. BP is in partnership with both Halliburton and Transocean under the company name "Deepwater Horizon."

###

Rumors abound that Sandra Bullock is being considered by the Pope for sainthood…

Yes, while the rest of us were furiously advocating severing the testicles of her Nazi, porn-star screwing, cheat of a husband, America’s Sweetheart was taking a road so high as to give the rest of us mere mortals nosebleeds. Not even an irate “asshole” managed to escaped her pure lips. Now we’ve learned that she’s adopted a beautiful little black baby because she’s just that wonderful.

Crap, girlfriend. Can you give the rest of us a break here?

How the hell are we supposed to compete with that? I don’t have a little black baby. I don’t have a baby of any color. I have a Chihuahua. And I didn’t adopt her from a shelter either. She’s a purebred. I bought her – from a breeder – for a lot of money – because that’s just the kind of shallow, selfish, insensitive bitch I am.

Bullock’s charm has always been that she was infinitely relatable. We could look at her and think, “I could be that girl.” Now when I look at her, all I’ll think , “Man… I suck.”

###

The other big media story of the week, of course, was the appearance of John Edwards’ baby mama, Rielle Hunter, on “Oprah” who emphatically declared that she was not a home wrecker.

In the coming weeks, guests on “Oprah” will include Elton John who will declare that he is not gay, Jack Kervorkian who will proclaim that he is not now nor has he ever been a proponent of euthanasia, porn star Jenna James who will reveal that she’s a virgin, and Joan Rivers who will deny all rumors of plastic surgery.

###

Finally, tonight on “60 Minutes,” Conan O’Brian will speak out for the first time on the debacle surrounding his leaving “The Tonight Show” and his true feelings about Jay Leno. Here’s a quick peek for the Team Coco fans:

The idea is to make the baby cry as loud as they can and to this end sumo wrestlers hold the babies high in the air and do whatever they can to scare the crap out of them. The toddler who cries longest and loudest is considered the winner. Good times.

The baby crying festival is a 400-year-old tradition and Japanese parents who bring their babies to the contest truly believe the sumo-induced crying wards off evil spirits and keeps their tots in good health.

Yeah… I guess if you don’t count the years of psycho therapy the kid will be requiring as an adult.

###

For all those ladies who lament, “Why can’t a man be more like a woman?”

Big in the news this week has been a new hormone-laced potion nicknamed “cuddle spray” which, when shot into men’s noses can make males more sensitive, empathetic and even snuggly.

The active ingredient is oxytocin, not to be confused with OxyCotin, Rush Limbaugh’s drug of choice, and men whose noses had been sprayed with the hormone expressed levels of empathy typically associated with that of women.

The spray can be found online under the brand name “Liquid Trust,” and the only downside so far is that the effects last only a couple of hours before a repeat squirt is required.

So, ladies, a surreptitious morning squirt in his nose while he still sleeps and then secretly replacing his regular nose spray could just do the trick.

Personally, I’d like to see this stuff in the water supply.

###

And speaking of La Loon Limbaugh…

The defacto leader of the Republican party put forth his theory that “environmental wackos” opposed to off-shore drilling were responsible for blowing up the British Petroleum oil rig in the Gulf this week with this gem: "What better way to head off more oil drilling than by blowing up a rig?" Yep. I see Greenpeace written all over this.

Never one to let facts darken his doorstep, Limbaugh neglected to mention that a failsafe switch that shuts the flow of oil off at the source would have prevented this catastrophe and that such switches are required in off-shore drilling platforms in most of the world -- except for the United States. Why not the U.S.? This was one of the new deregulation gifts to the oil industry devised by Dick Cheney at the beginning of Bush's first term.

Or this pesky little fact: Halliburton, the same company from which Cheney has made a fortune and the same company that, not coincidentally, received all those no-bid contracts in Iraq from, you guessed it, Bush/Cheney – was in charge of running this particular rig.

So it had nothing to do with cutting costs to maximize profits. Of course not. Update: Halliburton was in charge of capping the well. Transocean owned the actual rig. BP is in partnership with both Halliburton and Transocean under the company name "Deepwater Horizon."

###

Rumors abound that Sandra Bullock is being considered by the Pope for sainthood…

Yes, while the rest of us were furiously advocating severing the testicles of her Nazi, porn-star screwing, cheat of a husband, America’s Sweetheart was taking a road so high as to give the rest of us mere mortals nosebleeds. Not even an irate “asshole” managed to escaped her pure lips. Now we’ve learned that she’s adopted a beautiful little black baby because she’s just that wonderful.

Crap, girlfriend. Can you give the rest of us a break here?

How the hell are we supposed to compete with that? I don’t have a little black baby. I don’t have a baby of any color. I have a Chihuahua. And I didn’t adopt her from a shelter either. She’s a purebred. I bought her – from a breeder – for a lot of money – because that’s just the kind of shallow, selfish, insensitive bitch I am.

Bullock’s charm has always been that she was infinitely relatable. We could look at her and think, “I could be that girl.” Now when I look at her, all I’ll think , “Man… I suck.”

###

The other big media story of the week, of course, was the appearance of John Edwards’ baby mama, Rielle Hunter, on “Oprah” who emphatically declared that she was not a home wrecker.

In the coming weeks, guests on “Oprah” will include Elton John who will declare that he is not gay, Jack Kervorkian who will proclaim that he is not now nor has he ever been a proponent of euthanasia, porn star Jenna James who will reveal that she’s a virgin, and Joan Rivers who will deny all rumors of plastic surgery.

###

Finally, tonight on “60 Minutes,” Conan O’Brian will speak out for the first time on the debacle surrounding his leaving “The Tonight Show” and his true feelings about Jay Leno. Here’s a quick peek for the Team Coco fans: