In perhaps the Brownsiest Browns story that ever Browned, a day after the Cleveland Browns passed up the chance to draft Sammy Watkins, they could be staring down the 2014 season without the big play-making receiver they already have, Josh Gordon. ESPN’s Outside The Lines is reporting that Gordon is facing the season-long suspension for his second positive drug test. The first one, which cost him two games last season, was for codeine. This one is reportedly for weed.

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As we find out that Gordon is cleared of all charges a bolt of lightening strikes a tree in Westlake, Ohio, that hits a car, that rolls into an ammo shop, that starts a fire, that shoots rounds in all directions and a stray bullet hits Manziel in the knee, causing him to quit football and focus on his rap career, because: BROWNS.

Hear me out– what if sadness is actually a crucial natural resource a la screams in Monsters inc? That way, this all kinda makes sense– the Factory allowed for some short-term optimism so as to reap historically high levels of Sadness when Manziel tore his ACL in week 3, but underestimated Cleveland happiness and have to balance it out with this news.

Come on, is it really that ridiculous? I mean, what’s the alternative– that a generation of fans in the bleakest, most culturally devoid section of the country lost their team for three years, then managed to get back a franchise that consistently manages to be subpar in a league that cherishes parity through awful drafting, terrible coaching, and ownership that ranges from incompetent to criminal, for no reason? That’s not a world I want to live in.

So the Browns knew two weeks ago that Josh Gordon would be suspended for all of this season. Seems funny that they waited until 2,000 season tickets were sold yesterday to let the league break the news publicly.

I was gonna to training camp, but I got high I was gonna lead the team in catches but I got high
Now I’m workin at Grantland and I know why Hey Hey, Becuase I got High, Cause I got high la da da da da da.