Gear

Here at ES we know it’s not always just about what you eat — it’s how you eat it, too. And never is that more important than on Valentine’s Day. So we’re embracing our inner love child and suggesting 50 ways (some naughty, some nice) to feed your lover this V-Day.

From breakfast in bed to beer in your bosom, enjoy our most loving countdown to date — and click on the photos for fuller explanations.

50. Giant Gummy Bear on a Stick
Practicing your oral skills has never been so sweet.

49. Electric Cookie Press
With one-hand operation and consistent flow of icing every time, the possibilities are endless.

48. Bialetti Pizza Chopper
Works great for slicing thin crust, deep dish, or unfaithful lovers. “Simply grasp the handle at opposite ends and rock the blade back and forth to create portions in the desired size.”

47. Hillary Clinton Nutcracker
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is busting more than balls in Washington these days. See what she can do with a pecan.

46. Jigsaw Cookie Cutter
Sometimes love is complicated, but isn’t it great when it feels like a perfect fit?

45. Musical Cake Slice
Dream of being serenaded by your loved one? You can have your cake and eat it, too, while listening to an electronic version of “The Wedding March” or other tunes.

44. Rooster Apron
This not-so-subtle kitchen frock is sure to send the message of what’s for dessert.

When we last left our humble SousVide Supreme machine, we had learned that cooking sous vide is not quite as revelatory as Top Chef had led us to believe, although it is pretty darn impressive for cooking meat exactly perfect through every bite. Now you know we weren’t gonna send this bad boy back before finding out how it can handle an egg.

We get a lot of pointless press releases here at ES, mostly for ridiculous unitaskers that we would never recommend. But once in a blue moon, we here about something that is just pure genius. This is one of those moments.

‘Tis a problem as old as the savage feast — you eat too much and your belly blasts the button right off your pants. In the past, gluttons safeguarded themselves by undoing their trousers before appetizers or by dining in elastic sweats, togas or mumus. At long last, there’s a stylish solution. San Francisco pantmaker betabrand.com teamed up with legendary chef Chris Cosentino, proprietor of Incanto (a restaurant where folks can dine on whole hogs’ heads), to create trousers for gluttons.

Yes, it’s a pair of pants that fits normally, but then allows you to expand your waist size to one of three different girths, depending on just how much of a glutton you’ve decided to be that night. I can’t tell you how many times I have wished this existed.

Just yesterday 80 commented to me what a useless device an electric can opener is. I agreed. Just because we can electronic-ize something, doesn’t mean we should. It’s so easy to use a manual can opener. An electric can opener is a waste of counter space. A waste of counter space plus a device that can only perform one task.

So you can imagine if I am that offended over a can opener you can only guess my utter disgust for this totally fucking useless device.

REALLY?! We need a plastic contraption to crack an egg? You can’t just hit it against your counter top? It’s not hard. Children do it all the time. In fact, it’s one of the first things to teach a child in the kitchen. Honestly I don’t even know how to keep going. I can’t think of anything else to say except if you need this plastic crap to crack an egg get the fuck out of the kitchen.

So after hearing me bitch for the last two years about how everyone on Top Chef gets to sous vide but I don’t, someone finally decided to throw me a bone. The folks over at SousVide Supreme, the first legit sous vide machine aimed at home cooks, sent me over one of their $450 contraptions to test out for a few weeks. Woo-hoo!

For those who need a recap: sous vide cooking involves vacuum sealing ingredients in plastic bags with this neat little contraption:

That’s actually the most fun part, watching all the air get sucked right out of the bag. Then you submerse the bag in a thermal hot water bath that’s designed to remain at an exact pre-set temperature, down to the degree:

When my brother moved out of my parents’ house after college he couldn’t wait to leave the land of Tupperware behind. To our amusement, my brother received Tupperware from every member of the family as a housewarming gift.

I’ve started saving glass though. Wide and short salsa jars, long and narrow caper jars, filling them with couscous and mysterious grains.

But then I was sent Cover Mate’s Stretch-to-Fit Food Covers. And while my addiction to Tupperware has not lessened I now have found a new, easier way to never throw out food: whatever bowl or dish or glassware I have baked or served or eaten something in I just cover it with this dishwasher safe swatch of plastic.

The younger, hipper cousin to the Fancy Food Show, the annual Food Fete is a gathering place for foodie types; a showcase of the newest products across the world of cooking, dining and drinking; and an all-around schwagfest. Obviously, we bit. Here are the coolest new products we spotted at this year’s fete.

10. Sous Vide Supreme

Remember last year when I got high on Top Chef and bought that Thomas Keller sous vide cookbook but then realized you need a couple grand worth of equipment to sous vide food at home? Well some clever market researcher must have realized there are a lot of d-bags like me out there, because SousVide Supreme now has an at-home sous vide machine designed for the average joe. OK, at $450 maybe it’s for the slightly above-average joe, but still, getting closer! Everyone must sous vide! UPDATE: Endless Simmer tries out and reviews the SousVide Supreme.

9. Glace de Veau

Ya’ll know we don’t usually hype pre-packaged sauces and such here at ES, but when the supermarket starts carrying roasted veal stock reduction, I have to digress from the norm. Yes, yes, I can hear Anthony Bourdain carping on about how every cook should have their own homemade veal stock in the freezer and how it only takes 172 hours to prepare so what’s your goddamn problem? Well you know what? I’ve had your book on my shelf for two years and still never made any damn homemade demi-glace, so I’m going with this. In stores this fall.

8. Box ‘o EVOO

I think Lucini was actually there to show off the taste of their olive oil, but I was more impressed by the packaging. I don’t know about you all, but I’ve always found those tiny 6-oz. jars of oil woefully inept at keeping up with my usage, and the large bottles too heavy to lug home from the grocery store. Solution: an ungodly amount of extra-virgin olive oil, packed into a plastic bag in a cardboard box. It even comes with a spiggot, just like boxed wine! All I need now is the self-control not to drink directly from the spout.

7. Green Garlic

This is a tasty green product that I’ve never seen in stores before. California-based Christopher Ranch is expanding their garlic repertoire by harvesting the stuff while it’s still young and green, and selling it with the leafy, scallion-like stalks attached. The green part of the garlic offers a less intense garlick-y bite, and you can still use the bulb, or even fry up those little strands at the root and sprinkle them on top of a dish. Coming soon to a Fairway or Whole Foods near you. Downside: shipped across the country in plastic packaging — I’d rather see them at the far mar.