by the Mitchells

Category Archives: Uncategorized

>I figure at this time of year, it’s either blow off some steam verbally or punch a relative.

So here are my big FUCK YOUS for 2005:

1. Stand-up Comedy

What happened, man? We used to be friends. But now I realize that all my goals and ambitions boiled down to telling dick jokes in front of little old ladies in North Dakota. Sure, some of my friends have “made it” — and I see some of the funniest minds of my generation doing unfunny crap like trained sea monkeys for the TV networks.

If you could only see what Doug Stanhope, K.P Anderson, Dave Mordal or Joe Rogan can do on a stage, you’d shoot a TV executive tomorrow. I mean, actually buy a gun, load it, walk into their offices and spray some lead. Not that I’m encouraging that sort of thing.

Which reminds me. People say about these comics, “Well, no one held a gun to their head.” Trust me, if you’ve spent a decade or so doing comedy in places like Pocatello, Idaho and Moosejaw, Saskatchewan — and trying to pay your rent — you have a fucking gun to your head.

2. Metallica

I bought your early albums from “Kill ‘Em All” on, and went to your early concerts. That’s right, I and fans like me paid you a ton of good money to finance your rise from a second-rate Motorhead to a first-rate Bon Jovi.

Now you call us thieves? Fuck you, listen to your last couple albums and tell me who the thieves are. Then again, I’m pretty sure you haven’t listened to your last couple albums, because no one has. That’s why you’re losing money, dipfarts.

3. Christians Who Aren’t Me

What is wrong with you people?!? Christianity is about humility, and charity and love, and I see so much pride, and greed and hatred.

I try to spread the Word in my own way — by being a Christian without being an enormous ASSHOLE about it. That’s right, I said ASSHOLES, FUCKHEADS, CUNTS. Find me those words or anything about those words in the Bible. Find me half the bullshit you believe are sins in the Bible, while you walk past that homeless guy without giving him a buck. Jesus would give the guy a buck, and you fucking know it.

Lighten the fuck up. Let people see that we aren’t idiots, that we KNOW the earth is more than 6000 years old, that we KNOW God didn’t plant dinosaur fossils around just to fuck with us, and that we may have even given in on the Earth revolving around the Sun.

Read the fucking manual. And thump it less.

4. “Funny” E-mails

Nothing funny has ever been e-mailed to more than ten people. Period. And if some asshole mails this shit around with George Carlin or Denns Miller’s name on it, I will hunt you down and eat your trachea.

FREDERICTON, New Brunswick — The Royal Canadian Mounted Police are trying to solve a beer caper that occurred near Canada’s border with Maine.

The mounties are searching for 50,000 cans of Moosehead along with the driver of a tractor-trailer that was hauling the brew.

The abandoned truck has been found — along with two empty beer cans. Otherwise, the only other evidence is that the Moosehead cans are imprinted in Spanish and English. The beer was destined for a Mexican supermarket chain.

Newspaper and broadcast reports say the shipment would be worth more than $75,000 if sold on the retail level.

TOKYO — Former world chess champion Bobby Fischer, wanted since 1992 for playing a tournament in Yugoslavia despite U.N. sanctions, has been detained in Japan, clearing the way for his extradition to the United States.

For as weird as I think it is that playing chess could be an indictable offense, how weird is Bobby Fischer that he has to add international intrigue to the game in order to come out of retirement. Still, I can think of less fun things than wandering the globe as a fugitive for 14 years with the help of $3.35 million.