Father Of a Special Needs Child: A Quiet Hero

Every once in a while, you see a dad who genuinely sacrifices a life of comfort so his child can thrive. He is a father of a special-needs child: a quiet hero. A dad who shines brightly in a home where the lights should have gone out long ago.

To all the men who have been the hero in their special-needs child’s world, this is dedicated to you.

I am married to a man who shines.

As I was climbing the stairs to the second story of our home, I could hear the Gaither’s from my son Kyle’s TV. This particular DVD plays what seems like a thousand times a day. “Passing the Faith Along” was floating to my memory…again. Autism brings repetition to a home along with patience that has taken us over twenty years to learn.

Then I heard those sweet words my twenty-eight-year-old son, Kyle, says every day to my husband Vance, “Daddy pack snacks?” I knew Kyle would have Vance’s face cradled in his hands and then Vance would grab Kyle’s face, and they would lean together till their foreheads touched.

No other man in this world would know what those words mean to Kyle or mean to Vance. Kyle has a favourite person; it is his dad.

Kyle’s dream life would be to everyday pack snacks, hop in the big, white Ford F250 and drive up highway 17 with the tunes blaring. Just him and his dad.

Kyle will pretend to offer his dad some of his snacks, and he will hold them out in front of Vance, and when Vance would begin to take what was offered, Kyle will snatch it back and giggle, and Vance will grin. Kyle loves to bug and tease, and Vance cherishes the comradery between him and his son.

Years ago, it was Vance and I driving down the highway, and we were talking about our future and what would happen to Kyle when he was older. It was a time in my life when I worried about Kyle constantly. He was doing poorly and I needed to know Vance would take care of him if anything happened to me.

Vance said he would do everything in his power to keep Kyle in our home as long as Vance was able.

What I thought was Kyle doing poorly, ten years later, would have been thought of as Kyle doing well. Our son deteriorated to the point where he was living like an animal. Doctors told us to put him in an institution. We refused.

Kyle at 110 lbs, down from 190. Vance looking tired from sleepless nights.

For two years we spoon-fed Kyle every day, we wiped feces floor to ceiling multiple times a day, and we gathered up drywall he was picking at and eating. Our home flooded over and over as Kyle put everything in his toilet. We didn’t sleep through the night or get more than a couple of hours of sleep during that time. Kyle banged his walls nightly, LOUDLY.

I became quite ill during these years. Vance was caring for a sick adult son and a wife who was sick. Our world around us shrunk so small and almost blew out our lights. Kyle and I were both barely surviving.

Vance was a shining light during this time.

Both Kyle and I relied on Vance daily. He would go in Kyle’s room to check on our frail son who had dropped eighty pounds and try to feed him. Vance would come back with tears in his eyes and sometimes we would sit on our bed with arms wrapped around each other just sobbing together.

Our world was very dark.

We’d pray fervently for God to help us since the medical community had said they had no answers for Kyle’s illness. Eventually, through the most unusual way, we could imagine or even fathom, God lifted the heavy darkness from our lives and our son recovered from his mysterious illness. Click here for the full story in my book: Beauty from Ashes

Vance clung to his family when many men would have run the other way. Kyle and I may not have survived those two years had Vance not been here to help carry us through our most difficult days. He was a light in my life and also in Kyle’s reclusive world.

During that time Kyle had a Gaither video that was new. I was mopping his floors one day complaining AGAIN to God about our situation and begging him for help when the song below came on the TV, sang by the Isaacs.

HEROES

Momma combs his hair and daddy helps him brush his teethDay after day for thirty years the same routineThe special needs he lives with makes life seem so unfairBut he thanks God every day ’cause he knows mom and dad are there

And he’s a hero and she’s a heroIt doesn’t matter that nobody knows their nameThey keep on givin’ to make life worth livin’Might go unnoticed but they’re heroes just the same

They tried for many years to have a baby of their ownBut God knew a little girl who didn’t have a homeSomeone else’s burden was their blessing in disguiseAnd now she’s got a mom and daddy there to hold her when she cries

And he’s a hero and she’s a heroIt doesn’t matter that nobody knows their nameThey keep on givin’ to make life worth livin’Might go unnoticed but they’re heroes just the same

Every single parent who must carry twice the loadAnd those who sacrifice to raise a child that’s not their ownThey dedicate their time to make a difference in someone else’s lifeAnd in my eyes

He’s a hero and she’s a heroIt doesn’t matter that nobody knows their nameThey keep on givin’ to make life worth livin’Might go unnoticed but they’re heroes just the sameThey might go unnoticed but they’re heroes

Many families go through this same struggle day upon day. They trudge through the same routine, the same messes, the same complications, the same doctor’s appointments, and the same sleepless nights.

They don’t get the general appreciation you might receive from a child on Father’s day- a card, a drawing from school, an ugly tie, a box of chocolate or a gift card. Many fathers of special needs children get nothing.

But you, the father of the special needs child or adult, are a hero.

Kyle and Vance enjoying the swings in our backyard

You are a hero to your wife and to your other children. They see what you are doing for your special child. They take note of your sacrifices, your tired eyes, and your sore back. They know your body may be deteriorating as you care for your child. They know you skip many events most dad’s go to because you’re taking care of feeding tubes, baths, catheters, and medications.

But you’re not only a hero to your family, you’re a hero to your child. No matter how simple your child is, they know what true love is. Your child knows when they are loved and who genuinely treasures them.

You are a father of a special needs child: a quiet hero.

So, today when you’re brushing your child’s teeth or changing their adult diapers and you see a little twinkle in their eye, know that they are telling you, ‘I love you Dad.’

The world may not see you or ever take notice of your sacrifices. But the way you serve your wife and children, by the unconditional love they see you give their son or sibling, does not go unnoticed.

L-R Devyn, Eythan, Charity, Aryanna and Kyle.

Our four younger kids have NEVER doubted their dads love for them. For in the moments Vance was sacrificing a life of comfort to take care of Kyle, they knew he was sacrificing for them also.

Kyle has NEVER thanked Vance for what he’s done for him. He’s not capable of using his words to express appreciation. But I know if Kyle could, he would wrap his arms around Vance’s neck and say to him…

Welcome, My Friend!

I have a yearning in my heart to see women like you embracing your roles in motherhood and marriage with confidence, as you live your best life! Grab a coffee and come relax for a few minutes, and be encouraged.
💗

By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge
its rooms are filled with rare
and beautiful treasures.