8 Things You Should Never Say on a Date

I am an enthusiastic advocate for honesty, that most treasured Holy Grail in any relationship. What use is a partner if you cannot be perfectly painfully honest with each other?

Who will have your back and tell you about spinach between your teeth if not your partner? But that’s not a step you get to on Day 1. That’s more like Day 7 or Day 52 or for some people, The Day They Drop Dead – Ms Mortician, you’ve done a lovely job with her makeup but…is that spinach between her teeth?! In case you’re exactly that kind of person who regularly puts your foot in your mouth, here’s a guide to all the things you really, really should not say on a date.

“Are you rich? I’m expensive. Look at me. A lot of money went into creating this look. Time and effort, I can work on, but the money’s going to be all you. So, are you rich?”

“My hobby is making sculptures of all my dates dying in morbid ways. So far I have them drowning, gunned down, chopped up and burning in a glorious fire. I think you would make a fine addition to my collection. How would you like to die?”

“My mother loves me. Yes, I still live with her. Yes, she can be quite protective but absolutely not in a creepy way. She’s not intrusive at all. See, she’s sitting way over there behind the tree so she won’t make us uncomfortable. You want to wave and say hi?”

“There is too much consumerism in the world. People are too materialistic. I’m a minimalist. I live with less than 100 items in my life. Socks count as 2 items. If we get married, you’ll have to undergo an inventory check. You can’t bring more than 100 items into our house.”

“You know, I don’t think I’m really over my ex. I know I should be. It’s been nearly two years and my friends all encouraged me to start dating. But I still miss her sometimes. She is great, the best listener, really smart and funny. You’ll like her for sure. In fact, you want to meet her?”

“I love cats and dogs. They’re wonderful. They add so much to my life. It’s hard to imagine what my life would be like without them, especially dogs. I just love dogs lightly grilled with a pinch of salt and pepper. Absolutely delightful.”

“Do you drive? No? That’s good. It’s really not safe for women to drive considering how poor their motor coordination is. The world is a dangerous place in so many ways and women are so fragile. I think it’s really best if they just stayed home and dealt with simple things like household chores.”

“Are you into S&M? I am. And if you like, I can hurt you. I can really hurt you.”