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Re-learning Forgiveness

Monday, October 1, 2012

When you're busy, everything feels like a miniature
crisis. Didn't turn in an assignment on time? Horror! Didn't send that
email to the right person? Madness! Every moment is part of an efficient
machine and any small deviation feels disruptive. But you always know
that those things are the small ones, the ones that can be fixed. This
week, the crises I faced were not those small inner demons of
inefficiency or time crunch - they were deeper and more fundamental.

"Emotions
don't follow rational logic," my friend told me last week. She was
comforting me after the latest email chain came in, when my anger and
frustration had come to a head and I needed someone to rage with and not
just text. Having lost two people who were close to me in the last
year, I felt I was letting them down. I wasn't being strong enough.
Another person might not feel so affected by the words of others. I was
wasting my tears. But even though I resisted, I knew my friend was
right. Emotions don't follow a rational logic. Neither do people in
crisis.

I've been trying to be gentle with myself, to forgive my
own personal failings or that I can't be all things to all people. But
in some ways, that's the easy part - I can feel wronged all I want, but
that is only useful for so long. Emotions may not need to follow
rational logic, but actions should. Send that email. Make that meeting.
Ignore the tug towards staying bitter that feels satisfying but
immature. At the end of the day, the work is the most important part and
that's what must be the focus when others have acted poorly to you. I
am very good at holding on to negative feelings, but perhaps now is the
time to un-learn that instinct.

I'm Jordan Alam, and I'm a writer based out of south Seattle. My blog is focused on healing work through art, activism, and getting up close and personal. If you're looking for my creative and professional work, check out my professional site.

Also consider supporting the other space I curate by visiting As[I]Am, an Asian American arts and activism online magazine I founded and currently edit.