Wednesday, February 5, 2014

In the midst of cabin fever

There's been a lot of them lately. Days where I'm barely hanging on. Having trouble from going postal-level angry at the kids. And, it's been happening too often.

This is not how I wanted it to be.

When I pulled the Vikings out of public school, I optimistically imagined that it would be hard but covered in rainbows and butterflies, I guess. Naive for a state-certified, professionally trained teacher, eh?

The whole momma/teacher balance - which I presumed would be an easy nut to crack - is WAY outta whack somehow. I spend so much time as an "enforcer" that I don't get much time as a momma anymore.

I figured that the plus of "only" 2-3 hours of school each day would outweigh any resistance, whining, and complaining. Got that one WAY wrong, by the way.

I imagined being done with schoolwork each day before noon and spending long, leisurely afternoons enjoying my kids. Again, got that one wrong.

Planning - which used to be a challenge for me - is now my refuge. I can do it alone. It's about breaking up large chunks of information into small parcels and distributed over school days, weeks, and months.

And, every minute of teaching - what used to be my favorite part of my day - is now just seconds away from mere torture.

I feel like I've "lost" my babies. Confrontation has replaced relationship. And, the teen years are coming on quickly.