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A Soul Ajar : My Fool's Journey

I just found out that my younger sister is pregnant. And… she’s 36 weeks along. And… she JUST FOUND OUT.

Of course, we’re all worried. Many risks are involved when there are no prenatal care, and she’s not in the best health.

We’ve had a very rough relationship over the last few years. But I don’t care about that right now. I just hope and pray that she doesn’t encounter any serious complications and that my lil’ Nephew (that feels so weird to say) is healthy and safe when he comes into this world. It looks like he’s going to be a Sagittarius, but it could be close!

I have been sitting here thinking about what to ask my cards. I can’t even really PROCESS this right now… But I pulled the top card after shuffling for quite a while…

You… The Queen of Cups, are in a position of openness to romance and love! You are level-headed, while maybe a bit emotional– this is part of what makes you attractive to this person. You are deep, introspective, thoughtful and care a great deal about others. You stand on secure emotional footing at this time.

Them… not so much, maybe? The Three of Swords is a card of pain, heartbreak, acute sadness… brokenness. Perhaps something about them needs nurtured back to health. They are not focused on much other than what is hurting them– this is the driving force behind their dealings with you right now. I am seeing this as potentially negative, because there is a great unbalance* (this will tie in to the last card) between you two right now.

Connection… The Page of Wands, Reversed. Indicating a connection that is still in its very early, immature phases. One of both of you have some growing up to do when it comes to relationships. Don’t fool yourself and overestimate this connection– it is not a particularly deep one, YET. It may be even a little frustrating as one of you is wanting it to move along faster than the other.

Intentions… Knight of Swords as their intentions toward you. This is one of those cards I admit can confuse me as a reader. Knights represent energies that are swift, confrontational, and very adolescent. The Knights have learned more lessons than the Pages, but they are going through a time almost like the awkward puberty years. Swords represent communication and thought, as well as challenges that take a lot of intellect to figure out. Let me quote Raven’s Tarot Site (http://www.corax.com/tarot/cards/index.html?swords-knight):

“The Knight of Swords represents the Fire in the Air, he is the storm of the mind flaming up high. He is sharp-minded, analytical, clever, dexterous and courageous, always ready for and fond of argumentations and verbal wars. His passion for intellectual mindgames can make him an excellent warrior in logical excursions, enjoying both picky subtleties and bizarre contradictions.

At his best, the Knight of Swords stands for intelligent judgement and mental realizations, he is a skilful trickster and a keen observer. Though, lacking the depths of the water and the stability of earth, his mindgames could turn into cloud-cuckoo-lands without inner reflections, he gets unable to decide simply for getting lost in too many theoretical variations.

At the worst, the Knight of Swords tends to put logic and mind ahead of all other values, turning into an cold analytic judging and rating by logic only, without warmth or humanity; or even degenerates to a deceitful, sardonic tyrant of the mind.”

Future… Justice says that you may face an issue that involves a right from wrong situation. Hopefully it isn’t talking about any legal trouble. Perhaps you know deep down what it’s referring to– if there is some reason why you and this person SHOULDN’T be together (such as one of you already being in a relationship, or some kind of dishonesty with one another), this advises you to make decisions that will NOT put you on the “guilty” side. Stay honest, transparent, with yourself and this person, because there may come a time in the future when you’ll have to account for decisions being made now. This card is upright, though, so I am seeing it as a situation that turns out right for you in the end. Just use your noggin’! Be smart and don’t be too risky now– it will haunt you in the future. Instead, be awesome and authentic now… and always. (Oh, the Justice card also ties heavily into the Zodiac sign of Libra. I don’t know if you are into astrology or not but I thought I’d throw that out there.)

I haven’t been posting any original tarot-related material for quite a while now. I feel this vague sense of needing to apologize to my followers, but also of needing to write about WHY I’m not doing many readings/writing/spreadcrafting. Maybe I need to better understand it myself.

Throes of Creation by Leonid Pasternak

1. I’ve been experiencing a sort of creative paralysis lately.
I have time and tons of ideas. I’m even going so far as to jot down most of my ideas for later revisiting. I have some new creative tools to start playing with as well– an online friend sent me some clay, which I’ve wanted to have and use for a while now. But I just stare at this lump of clay, still covered in its cellophane wrapper. And my mind goes blank. Then, a sudden surge of anxiety floods me. (Okay, this is definitely about more than just the clay– any time I sit down and attempt to write, do readings, create something…)
I have a bad anxiety disorder, and to go along with that, a case of IBS that is becoming concerning. I have a referral to see a GI doctor. But when I look at that paper, and then at my phone, and then at the time, boom, it happens again. Anxiety roars through my body. I feel the all-too-familiar feeling of my intestines twisting up. Lately there has been a lot of pain involved too.
“No, I will do it in the morning,” I say. I get up and start feverishly arranging things in my room or begin to clean out a drawer or sort through a box, and then another distraction comes along. A text message. Oooh, I should check Pinterest. Oh, there’s a picture I’ve gotta show Rene later.
… and suddenly, my expanse of time… precious uninterrupted time, is over.

2. In less than two weeks, I have a major court hearing that will determine a great deal of my living conditions, priorities, etc., regardless of the outcome.

Have I been scared to read my own cards about this? Yes. But I’ve done it anyway. In some ways I am excited by what they’re telling me. The fact that I keep drawing cards that indicate major change, justice, and financial security is just reassurance to me that I am still connected to the Divine in my practice of tarot meditations.

But I am kind of… paralyzed there too. I have this nagging feeling that I should be doing something to mentally prepare myself for this. I tend to delve into intellectual and spiritual pursuits when life around me is getting confusing and unclear… but is this the right time to spend time doing free readings for people on the internet? Am I focusing enough on what is coming up in my own life?

Some cards I’ve been getting lately in my daily drawings…

One that comes to mind is the Queen of Cups.

She has appeared as the last card in my three-card draws a lot of times this past month. I know exactly what she’s saying to me, too. I’m growing to recognize her face in my Cosmic Tarot deck as the lady who is reminding me that the best way to deal with whatever is going on right now, as well as in the upcoming future, must be dealt with gracefully. Emotional breakdowns, “losing it”, or becoming too attached to the outcome… this can’t happen right now. I have to stay emotionally centered. I have to take special care of my emotions. I must do everything I know is necessary for staying emotionally balanced– this includes taking my meds, getting enough sleep, nourishing my body, and staying out of unnecessary conflict.

Another card I’ve seen a lot lately is the Knight/Prince of Pentacles.

A practical, by-the-book approach.

Slow but steady movement into the resolution of physical needs. Building financial security.

I like the Knight of Pentacles in that they are the “least Knight-like” energy of all the Knights. Some say the Knight of Cups is the least Knight-like, but I would beg to differ based on one factor: he is loyal and steadfast. This is not a quality that the other Knights have down yet. They lack follow-through.

Something that occurs to me as I write this is the way others view the Knight of Pentacles. They see him as slow, overly meticulous, and sometimes even lazy. I’d go so far as to say that they doubt that he will succeed. But they don’t know what’s going on behind those stoic eyes. He’s got a plan, and just because he doesn’t like to gab about it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. He goes his own way, takes his time, and takes care of his physical health in order to keep up his strength. I can relate to this, as I have many days that to others may appear “lazy days”. If only they knew how much I’m actually doing…

I woke up crying again.
Made some coffee.
Shuffled the hell out of my deck. Rene moved my deck lastnight– I watched him and he was careful with it.
I pull three cards.
The Lovers. The Devil. The Emperor.
I ask for clarification on each.

The Lovers + 7 of Wands

At first glace, what comes to me is…
Choice in love, competition, fighting for love, setbacks in love that will be resolved but will require you to NOT give up, even when the going gets tough. Values and beliefs being put to the test, an opportunity to CHOOSE whether I will stand up and fight or remain silent when my values are tested. A platonic friendship coming to an end because one wants to become lovers and the other doesn’t…

The Devil + Judgement

Um, this could possibly be the scariest card combination I’ve ever seen…
What comes to me is…
“Your sins will be revealed”. A major dirty secret coming out and having to accept all of the consequences.

(Later today, I got a phone call from a friend. These cards make total sense to me now. They weren’t describing events in my life, unless there’s more yet to come… ugh, I better go to bed!)

The Emperor + Three of Pentacles

Solid foundations. Being lead, being controlled, but having a solid foundation. Influences from (someone’s) employment situations. Teamwork and solidarity. Letting go of my desires and following another’s way.

Most days, my daily card ritual goes kind of like this: I shuffle for a while, think about what I want to do (one card? A two card combo? Or a PPF 3 card style draw?). Some days, whatever I draw is almost instantly recognizable in my personal life. Relationship problems? I usually see someone in the Pentacles Court family, or the Wands family. PMSing like crazy? It’s likely I’ll see the High Priestess or the Empress (though I’d expect to see the Wheel).
A lot of days, though, I simply lay out the cards, take a snapshot, maybe write them down in my log if I remember, and just keep them facing up on my desk (and in my mind) all day.
Yesterday was interesting though. I drew three cards. I was feeling a little bit rushed, anxious, et cetera. My partner has been staying with me all week and we’ve been working on a project in the yard, running a lot of errands, etc. We’ve had a few small arguments that have really shaken me– stirred up some resentment maybe. I must have been subconsciously worrying that we’d have another argument and yesterday I really just felt like I couldn’t peacefully diffuse more drama and chaos.

I thought the words “My day…” in a whisper, and turned over the 6 of Wands. Victory? I thought “My struggles…” and turned over the 10 of Cups. Disturbances in emotions and love? And the final card was the Hierophant, which I drew as a solution to the day’s struggle.
We had to go because we both had therapy; his at 11 and mine at 12. He asked me to come in with him to his session. I reluctantly agreed to go in.
It ended up being a very helpful experience. All of the issues we’ve been dealing with lately sort of just came up on their own. I tried to say very little, as it isn’t my therapy session, but the little I did say seemed to help him and his therapist overcome a plateau.
My session went well. I talked about my part in our problems and allowed my therapist to give me constructive criticism. He told me that he sees that I am very impatient and want results immediately– not a criticism I’ve received before, but upon thinking about it, I see that it IS true.

The Heirophant can be seen as a “seek professional help” card at times. It represents institutions as well, and I think that for me, therapy and the whole field of psychology is very much an institution.
We had a lovely day together and accomplished a lot after our therapy sessions were over. We even had some really good conversations later on in the evening which brought some clarity to what I’ve had a hard time figuring out.
I wanted to share this because it’s one of many instances where, by the end of the day, the cards I chose made perfect sense.

*Astrological note: My partner is a Sag– extremely determined, fast moving, hates slowing down, everything is GO! GO! GO!. His moon is in Gemini– also very restless energy, prone to pretty distinct mood shifts at random times. His rising sign is Taurus, thank the stars! I need this grounded, balanced out energy in a partner to some degree and I believe this rising sign really provides that with my partner. Non-Astrologically, he has a few other factors going on… a major one being a pretty uncontrolled case of Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, an unresolved case of PTSD from a terrible motorcycle accident and then having his ex-wife steal all of his pain medicine and run off with the kids and take away everything he’d been working for for so many years… the accident left him permanently disabled (physically). He lost his business. Lost the house. And was never even given a chance to say goodbye to the children who weren’t biologically his but he raised from ages 4 and BIRTH up for about 13 years. All things considered, he’s functioning surprisingly well. Though I feel that he could be doing better if he were taking his therapy a bit more seriously and actually addressing issues, he does NOT like to talk about things unless HE’S in the mood to talk about them. Which is very rare.

I am an Aquarius – deep thinker, needs alone time, weird, lots and lots goes on in my head, and I’m very much a peacemaker at heart. My moon, however, is in fiery Aries, which throws in a sometimes dark energy. Aries Moon likes things to manifest immediately, takes things very personally, can be impusive and prone to burning bridges/reacting really harshly before thinking it through. My rising sign is Libra — which I’m learning actually DOES explain a lot in me. That way I seem to be able to come across as being more “okay” than I really feel. The driving, sometimes maddening need to make sure people are being treated fairly and justly. My obsession with TRUTH and CLARITY. Also I think maybe my Libra rising is responsible for my entire social life and has pushed me to even CARE to be around people at all. If not for Libra rising balancing out my super introspective Aquarian nature, my volatile Aries moon, as well as non-Astrological issues like some mental health issues, extreme PTSD, extreme anxiety about just about EVERYTHING… oh, and I am so fucking introverted it’s just sick.

MAP TO FULFILLMENT Reading for Anonymous

I’m going to read the cards in pairs— 1 & 5, 2 & 6, 3 & 7, 4 & 8.

1. Wheel of Fortune

Spiritually, you are in need of a rather dramatic change. When this card appears in a reading, many readers will talk about “luck” and expecting a sudden change— if you’re on top, expect to go down. And vice versa. I struggle with this card because of that very interpretation. Do I even believe in luck? There’s always “karma”— but that’s another concept that it seems like no one understands.

“Keep planting the seeds you wish to reap – they will develop in time. As your inner, mental images exteriorize – new situations and experiences must fit your existing “belief” structure. New ideas cause change and you can change or alter your experiences by changing and altering your beliefs.”– http://www.crystal-reflections.com/tarot2/rider/wheel.htm
– constant movement and change

Similar to the Wheel of Fortune, the 2 of Pentacles indicates a lot of change and flux happening. This card is in a position of “where you should be at physically”, The figure on the card is usually depicted juggling or balancing. This makes it a bit tricky to ascertain what it’s trying tell us… this isn’t a place of permanence, but we’re asking… oooh… I see…

The 2 of Pentacles tells you that “the best decisions are those that can be easily reversed”. It tells you of a life lived in constant expansion and contraction; it (just like the Wheel) points to cycles. While it may be suggesting a career in the circulation of written materials (journalism, publishing, etc) or even a position of management, it also seems to us that you aren’t meant to lay down too deep of roots anywhere. You are not one to be tied down to the point that you can’t decide to jump on a new opportunity. Perhaps you’ll find frequent relocations in your future, or maybe you will see yourself trying out different physical environments throughout your life. Whatever the case may be, this card is giving us a picture of a person who travels lightly through life, is open and ready to accept change and is light-hearted about this fact.

6. Knight of Pentacles

How do you GET there? Guess who, another member of the Earth family.

The Knights usually signal (to me) an immature energy who THINKS they are much more mature than they really are, and therefore I have trouble trusting Knights. However, we’ve drawn the LEAST Knight-like of all 4. This one is a very steady hard-worker, has a great deal of physical know-how/street-smarts, and is really big on planning everything out. He/she is predictable, slow-moving, conscientious, methodical, patient and stubborn. Also seen as a pessimist by some, the Knight of Pentacles would consider themselves a REALIST by all means.

There are, again, suggestions of careers dealing with writing. There are also more suggestions of hard work needed.

I’m reading this more along the lines of qualities you will need to employ, rather than as a person who will appear in your life— but we should always consider the latter as a possibility.

What I’m getting here is that to reach the state or place you’re meant to be at in a physical sense, you must pay attention to the details in life. You will find way more success by staying organized, making plans and covering all bases— but make sure you remember to ACT on those plans and UTILIZE your organizational skills too.

3. The Magician

This one tripped me up a bit. So this card signifies where you are meant to be in a romantic sense on your life.

I haven’t experienced or heard much about the Magician in a love/relationship context. But to process this on the go, The Magician is VERY powerful, VERY charming, and possesses uncanny abilities to communicate like a freakin’ boss.

I am reading this as an indication that the place you are meant to be romantically is definitely going to have a focal point of communication. When looking for a potential mate, keep good communication skills at the top of your priorities. You need this. You can have an absolutely amazing relationship that lasts… it might just be a bit tricky to find a person who fits your style of communication and dedication to always improving the relationship.

7. Ace of Swords

And how to get there? The Ace of Swords.

The other three Aces in the deck are, in my opinion, pretty optimistic. This one though brings some darker connotations with it. It implies a struggle that will have to be overcome.

The suit of Swords is all about mental forces and how we use them to navigate our way through life. There are a lot of painful looking cards (think 3, 8, 9, 10) and painful lessons within those cards. Clarity, truth and justice are major themes in the suit, and its Ace sort of sums up all of these issues into one big wave of energy.

Practical advice on getting to where you’re meant to be romantically? Face problems head on before they get out of control. Accept responsibility for your actions, but not for the actions of others. Don’t let setbacks effect your journey. Always seek truth— about people, their motives, and about what it is that you truly want and need. Keep your mind clear, don’t allow yourself to get caught up in telling lies (even little ones). When a romantic partner (or a potential) doesn’t seem to be quite telling you the whole truth, DO NOT ignore you intuition telling you to get to the bottom of it. To sum it up – be honest and clear, and don’t put up with anyone who isn’t the same.

4. King of Pentacles

So many Pentacles!

So this card is telling us where you’re supposed to travel to on your map to fulfillment in a MENTAL sense. I do find it interesting that you are a Taurus, because the King of Pentacles is said to be represented by this very sign. He is the Fire of Earth. “The power to govern and safeguard your physical energy” (http://www.rpmwin.com/user/nodntap/symbolist.pdf).

Where the King of Pents is mentally is somewhere secure, somewhat stoic, slow to react. Sometimes seen as lacking in emotion, he’s actually just much slower to get angry or passionately fired up about things he sees as trivial. He is a very stable energy, not prone to mood swings or outbursts. Patient and reliable, grounded but thriving.

8. Page of Pentacles

How to get there? The PAGE OF PENTACLES! Wow.

This Page represents Earth of Earth, so we’ve got MAJOR Earth energy here.

As advice in reaching a goal, the Page of Pentacles would say:

start saving your money!

take some time in solitude to really think about what you WANT out of life. Draw a mindmap, write a list, or make a visualization board. Get the image of those things you want manifested in your life, then for each one, make a list of steps it will take to get there.

don’t get caught up in daydreaming (despite what I just got done typing). It’s necessary in my opinion to be able to fully visualize what you want in order to receive it— but you can’t stop there. Focus on small, baby steps that will inch you closer and closer to those goals. Starting small and building bigger is important.

Keep yourself grounded and focus on what is realistic. If something seems like it has a 0.5% chance of success— you’d probably be best saving your energy.

Lastly, take care of yourself physically. Going outside is something I hear other reader suggest when the Page of Pents appears. You will need lots of strength, so build up those reserves now while you have the chance.

I sincerely hope you got something (positive) out of this reading. It was fun to do, and it helped me as a reader, so I hope it helps you in some way!