Bill & Ted

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Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan were late twentieth century time travelers. They are best known in the future for their revolutionary band Wyld Stallyns which stylized (or will stylize depending on when you are reading this) a genre changing music that would cause the development of a worldwide utopian society.

Bill S. Preston, Esq. was born in San Dimas, California some time in 1971. The exact date is not known as he went back in time on several occasions and changed his birthdate so he could witness eighty-three birthdays in a row. His life was generally uneventful for eighteen full years which he filled with nothing more than occasionally attending school and soliciting in the parking lot of a Circle K. His family life was turbulent as his psychiatrist father divorced his Japanese prostitute birth-mother when Bill was eleven. Two years later his father re-married, this time to professional MILF Vanessa Sanders, daughter of Colonel Sanders and heir to the Kentuckistan Fried Chicken franchise. Bill made it through his schooling due to President Gerald Ford's "Retards are People Too" program which was enacted into congress in late 1974 and gave schooling and employment oppurtunities to the mentally challenged. This led many at the time to wonder if Gerald Ford was retarded.

On May 28, 1989 the band Rufus, fronted by Chaka Khan visited Bill & Ted to tell them George Carlin was coming. When Carlin did arrive three minutes later it was in an old phone booth that smelled of Tide and goat penis. [Request for further explanation: What does Tide smell like?] Carlin emerged from the booth claiming to be from a utopian future fashioned in their image. The problem was this universe was under constant attack by Star Fox and his regime of barrel rolling anthropomorphic animals. Also, Banjo-Kazooie stole all their shit. The reason for this was that Bill & Ted had recently lost to Forrest Gump in a spelling bee and were fading from future history as heroes. The only way to rectify this would be to make a badass history presentation. Carlin figured what better way to make a badass history presentation then to go back in time and steal borrow shit. He formulated an ingenious plan in which he'd send the two incompetent minors back through the anals of history to steal borrow famous people and bring them back to San Dimas High for their presentation.

In a seldom watched, much less acknowledged follow up, a terrorist displeased with the happy-shiny future went back in time with two Bill and Ted shaped androids and killed Bill and Ted. Fortunately, the stoner duo knew Jesus H. Christ who was able to pull some strings and get them an early release from Hell and pulled up into Heaven. There, they met the souls of two gay alien cyberneticists and AC/DC fans who were able to jury-rig up some good aligned, but crappy looking, Bill and Ted androids to go kick the shit out of the evil ones, and save their girls so that they could have a chance to actually go live their lives and learn how to play real guitar, not just air guitar.

Critics of the second film complained about the lack of plot and poor special effects on the good Bill and Ted robots. Film Director Steve Jackson replied by saying "Well, we'd used up a lot of our budget on the first two androids and shooting on-location in hell - where they charge up the ass for every-damn-thing, let me tell you." As for the lack of plot, the director said "well Keanu Reeves demanded input into the script, and well, you know what that's like. And as for the rest, well... it's not like I'd tried to direct Lord of the Rings or something, so cut me some slack, okay?"