As a betch, the art of manipulation is something we’ve been perfecting since we were in diapers, dragging our dads to Toys ‘R’ Us to buy us our first pink Barbie Jeeps. However, many betches know that getting everything you want is often accompanied by a certain bending of the truth... in the least sociopathic way possible. Now, some nerdy teachers and The APA might call this "lying," but betches know the truth. Lying is for Bill Clinton and James Frey. Betches make shit up.

As a betch, you will often find yourself making shit up for absolutely no reason. Usually, making shit up is like second nature, kind of like saying 'like' every other word or throwing up on Saturday mornings. Some may say this is fucked up. We say, chill out Dr. Phil.

No one makes shit up like Chels

Let’s look at some reasons a betch would make shit up, and what it's okay to lie about without being called a patho.

- Like, sorry Aunt Lydia, but that $20 gift certificate to the Gap last Christmas earned you a fake death to get out of my take home midterm.

- At a job interview...

Interviewer: Name a time you acted as a leader in a group situation.

You: ::Repeat volunteering story you read in that nice girl in your English class’s college essay::

Strategic but inoffensive bullshitting:

- Saying you have your period in an attempt to #8 not fuck bros… Apparently you have the world's longest menstruation lasting upwards of three weeks.

- A friend texts you to hang out but you're not in the mood. "Oops, just got invited to a bris, let's hang tomorrow?"

For no reason whatsoever: Why would we make stuff up for no reason? It's fun, and betches are too lazy to speak in accuracies, obvi. Like presidents love to pretend like they're stimulating the economy or not cheating on their wives. Similarly, we do this to stimulate conversation.

- Your friend asks you if Kourtney and Kim is on tonight. It's not. You say yes anyway. When she asks you why the channel guide begs to differ, you just say you weren't paying attention, which you weren't, so that only counts as half a lie.

When you've crossed the line:

Now betches, let’s be clear. There is a distinction between exaggerating and making shit up. Exaggerating is for a person who cares about what other people think. It's for people who are TTH. Making shit up is just something that happens when you don't give a shit about the conversation or it just slips because you weren't paying attention and don't care enough to actually formulate a thoughtful truthful response. Also, it’s never okay to make shit up about real things (i.e. knowing people you don't, places you went that you didn't actually go, family illnesses, getting a job, dating a guy or telling people he's been texting you when you're the one texting him.) That's lying. These types of substantially misleading statements will guarantee that you're just giving your besties great material to talk about while you're gone. Omg Jenny is saying that Ben is like, in love with her, but really he's not even following her on #39 Twitter.

Since biblical times, people have been shouting bullshit from the rooftops like "the truth shall set you free." Wow, talk about #129 making shit up. If betches really valued honesty, you'd wind up crying when we inevitably told you that your boyfriend is fug. Betches and bros know that it’s making shit up that gets you laid.

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So, I’ve always made stupid shit up (out of boredom, of course), and its really cool to find out why I actually do it and when its totally okay to fabricate shit just to fabricate it. However, I am curious if there’s some sort of thin line between making up your Aunt Lydia’s death and lying about a family illness. Help a betch out? I’ve got final projects coming up and shit….

Making shit up about aunt Lydia dying is getting out of shit you’re too good for, like work and school. Professors wouldnt question it, so now you can go to the Britney concert during your night class (speaking from experience-“family emergency”). Saying aunt lydia has terminal cancer to get pity from your peers is not only completely unbetchy, but pathetically desperate and fucking psycho.

Making stupid shit up is umm.. stupid. You’re besties will inevitably catch you and talk shit (read above post). Ever hear about the betch who cried wolf? And there is a fine line. If Aunt Lyds dies when you have a paper due, its ok. If she dies so you can get sympathy from your friends, you’re not a betch and possibly a sociopath.

Betches do NOT lie about ill family members. as a graduated betch who proudly never handed an assignment in on time, there are better (betchier) tricks to the trade you can use and still maintain some sort of dignity. if you know youre going to miss a deadline, dont email at the last min asking for an extension (youve been working on this for weeks now, right?), dont just blow by your deadline without even a word, and DEF dont lie about ill family members. thats just poor form. I had a million “tricks” in my time, but I will share with all you Betches out there one that never failed me.
For the unenlightened, you are welcome in advance.
On the day your paper is due, send an email with your paper attached. yes, you read that correctly. and yes, i know you dont have shit. by “paper” i mean whatever the hell you have up to that point. I once sent in my “15 page final” exactly 3 minutes before the deadline. It consisted of a title page and a shitty introductory paragraph. Your profs will see your email title (Final paper!), your attachment (Psyche101_FinalPaper.doc) with a long thank you note (Hey Prof, Heres my final pape, thx 4 da best semesta evaa, xoxo BackRowBetch), and will think youre the lovely-young-lady you pretend to be. I seriously used this at least 20 times throughout my 4 years and never ONCE did a prof open the attachment the same day i sent it. prof’s file these away in little To-Do folders until whenever they feel like doing work. which as betches know, is pretty much never, so they will put it off until the last minute. in 4 years, never once did i receive a note telling me i “accidentally sent them the wrong version of my paper” until i had that sucker good and ready.
MOST IMPORTANT PART…once you hand in your fake, FINISH THE G-D PAPER. Its a desperation move that never fails, but it only works because when the inevitable email comes back (“Hey BackRowBetch, Thanks for the note, but Is this your final paper? It cuts off on the second page and then I just see an outline and what looks like some notes, seemingly written to yourself. LUMI, Prof) you can be like OMG SORRRYYYY and email them the “correct” version you “meant” to send them 10 days ago. And you can do this about 2.5 seconds after being informed you sent them the “wrong version”. (note: never use on same professor twice!). a few times, i didnt hear back for several weeks. twice, profs never told me i handed in a cut off paper and just gave me the B+ i prob wouldve gotten anyway. which i later argued to an A-.

absolutley LOVE making shit up for no reason. some of my besties and i often make fake identities when we’re out for a night and Not Trying to Fuck Bros. It is completely harmless, a ton of fun, and for no good reason at all. Think wedding crashers, but better. Cause its betches. Oh, you think me and my 2 friends are cute?? We’re actually triplets. (thanks mom!)

uhh actually, this one girl makes up shit all the fuckin time, its cause she wants to make a good story, but it is fucking annoying cause i always know she is lying. Me and my betches always obvs talk shit about her cause of this.. just sayinn, gotta be careful with makin shit up

This has to be written for/by my roomate. She bullshits so much, she’s trying to convince everyone (including her roomates and Ohhh just her family) that she’s graduating from college when she casually has 70-something hours in 4 1/2 years here. If that’s not psychotic, I don’t know what is. There are the betches who lie to get out of tests, papers, dates, pregames, and then there is THIS bitch who lies to get out of college. Loser.

So I was at a bar one day and this SAB was interested in buying me a drink. I have a serious bf, and cheating in any form isn’t my thing. Well he was schmoozing me and buying me drinks, especially after I told him I was in for the night as a flight attendant on my way to Paris.
Ciao!

I see how your tactics might work at a community college, or better yet, in helping towards the achievement of your online degree.. i submit my papers in department drop boxes.. therefore i’d much rather lie about a distant family member’s death, go to the nurse for a sick note, and back to bed to dream up an A+ paper for my prof who’s not a fucking doorknob. the excuse you just described would be plausible in a below par institution. what might one do, who’s striving for a higher education and being taught by capable profs who actually read their papers?

If you went to a college that was too good for online drop boxes, then you’re not a fucking betch. Betches go to party schools or ivy leagues, both of which know the value of email. I’m assuming you went to Ball State or some other D+ school.