Ancient Tales of a Kingdom not Unlike One You Know

Month: July 2017

Brethren, there continued to be unchill in the land. And across the Kingdoms, the people dared the gods, unmindful of the plagues of Gitis and flood with which they had struck the kingdoms of Gideria and Zamfarawayland for excessive illicit coitus. Yea, did they continue in their unbridled debauchery, breaking fornicatomatic records, pushing the needle of the fornicatometer to levels unseen since records began. And yea, did the gods unleash even an even greater deluge of floods upon the kingdoms. Behold, these floods were more dire than many had seen, submerging chariots. And the gods of subterranea were also vexed and regurgitated all the filth they had hidden and wawu, it was a fecund mess in the streets.

And the people cried, “Where is our King, that he might make intercessions and supplication unto the gods on our behalf? Oh, what a most useless and ineffectual king is Gambrach the Vanished!”

Their cries went unto Bedrock, into the chambers of the scribe FemCallamitus, who had been silent for many moons (having no gaddem king to or royal activities to record in the scrolls) and was green with envy at the acclaim that Dr Who, who was not even a courtesan, had received with his song in the Book of Face. Yea, had Dr Who received a commendation from Lady Yeeshah, as she joined her alto to Dr Who’s soprano.

“I have been silent for too gaddem long,” thought FemCallamitus to himself. “I am one of the top scribes of Gambrach my Lord and tis I who should write his canticles. When my King unvanishes, my song shalt be number one on the Gambrachian Griotic Charts. Yea, shall it be platinum.” And then he wrote, like a Kenneth Rojas.

Everyone considers him the worst King of the kingdom

He never stood a single time to prove the kingdom wrong

His Momma named him Gambrach but folks just called him Vanished

Something inside tells me, they’re reading Gambrach wrong

He’s weak like once King David was and spat on by Shimei

Shimei looked at David and concluded that he was dead

But like the sword of Abishai was given word by Sully

When my Gambrach cometh back, he’s going to chop your head.

Gambrach my King, you remain the only one to save us all from trouble in the land; And even though you’re weak please don’t turn the other cheek, Oh Gambrach you are old but understand, you’ve gotta chop off heads when you’re a man.

And the people heard the song of FemCallamitus and laughed hard at his nincompoopery. Poopy Poopery.

And yea, in the midst of their mirth, news came to the people from Trumpstantinople of the booty of Daisy-Annie. You see, before Daisy-Annie became Gejoshaphat’s councillor for petrolatum, her booty was of a modest size. She had worked for Mollusca and her booty was nicely and judiciously oiled at the time. Lo, everything was nice and squeezy clean.

Alas, she met two men, whose actions contaminated the booty of Daisy-Annie. Their names were Luko Skywalker and Ko-Ray the Jedi. They promised Daisy-Annie a bigger and shinier booty if she used her powers as councillor to ensure they got the largest petrolatum harvesting fields of the kingdom’s petrolatum for their ventures.

Behold, she acquiesced to their request and maigheeeurd, did they inflate her booty. Not only did they fill her chest, they ensured she had the finest of castles and palaces.

However, the men were wreckless and spent like sailors. Alarmed, Daisy-Annie said to Luko Skywalker, “Spend not with such unchill. Why buyest thou a ship when thou canst hire it for only a short while?”

But Ko-Ray used his Jedi mind tricks on her. And she ceased in her admonitions. And yea, was her booty fattened even more such that her bootyliciousness breached the legal limit in Trumpstantinople.

“How much is this booty?” the people asked with great concern.

“It is a great and tremendous number.” said the Trumpetistani constables.

“How great and tremendous?” they pressed, “for we are wary of fake news from way down yonder.”

“Be assured the news is genuine and non-spicered. And ensure that ye are seated to hear the number, for it is several hundred millions of Trumpetistani shekels.”

“SEVERAL HUNDRED MILLION WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?”

The apostles heard of it. And there was not a gaddem speculum of chill in the entire kingdom!

Spoiler alert: if you haven’t seen Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 1, stop right here
Game of Thrones returned on Monday morning (Sunday for the lucky Americans), and it is everything we were expecting. We said our reluctant bye byes in season 6 after Cersei mass murdered every Sunday School teacher in Westeros, so it was only fair the new season opened with some mass murder. And lawd, they were murdered.
The season opener was perfect, surely left a taste for what is to come. These are my thoughts from the S7 E1.
Cersei has done some redecorating around the throne room. We may not like Cersei, but we can all agree, the place was due some sprucing up. We all love the new Kings Guard uniform.

The Seven Pointed Star has been replaced by a Lannister Simba, and the top King’s Guard uniform screams murder

Arya Stark loves killing people. Remember when she was about to kill Walter Frey, she’s said the last face he’d see is that of a Stark, smiling down at him. Smiling!
Then after murdering the entire Frey clan, guess what was on her face? A smile. And when she talked about killing Cersei? She laughed.
I’m really worried that the young Stark girl may be so far gone, only killing brings her joy. In which case, we’re in a lot of trouble, when she is done killing everyone on her list.

I just murdered a hundred Freys. So sway!

The Meisters of the Citadel really need to stop eating beans. One would think men so wise would learn to eat less laxative foods. Except they’re just eating beans to spite poor old Sam Tarly.

All this shit? For what???

Brienne really needs to move on from her crush on the golden handed Lannister, so she can see the love Tommund has waiting for her. Considering Tommund is heading away to the wall, and likely will die there, she needs to hurry. And hurry fast.

Brienne, ne ma nya

Who doesn’t love Lady Mormont? She’s everything Westeros needs right now, if the war against the Night King is to be won. And when the war is over, they should her bring the head of the Night King. But knowing Lady Mormont, she just might be the one to chop off the icy head of the Night King.

Una too talk! If to say na me born the dragons ehn…!!!

And Cersei again. Often, we are forced to admit Cersei’s brilliance, even though she’s a downright despicable human being. But in this episode, she displays uncharacteristic naïveté in still thinking Tyrion, her brother, murdered Jeoffrey. And her pointless hatred for Sansa Stark beggars belief. It’s this naive, us-against-the-world attitude that convinces that when her end comes, not many will mourn her.

But then, this is GOT, and we’ve seen stories change. Who would have thought The Hound could become a meek, praying, vision seeing, brother of the light?

The clouds of sexit continued to swirl over Dinobetes Mellitus. But the name of Abushola was a strong tower – the frighteous run into it and yea, they are saved. And Dinobetes loved Abushola with all his might – even more might than with which he flung Abushola into the air following his triumph at Conductivitis.

At the following sitting of the Senatii, where the senateens considered various matters afflicting the Kingdom (for the pretense of the pretend-reign of Pretend King Osinoshin had yea and thence become a long thing), they considered the petition of the Kogitarians against Dinobetes.

Deputy Warden Equerry Mah-Doo rose up to address the senateens and said unto them, “Fellow Nassholes! Lend me you ears. I come to bury Bellows, not to praise him. The evil that Bellows does will live long after him if we do not quash it straightaway. For behold, if Bellows shall bellow Mellitus away, what shall become of us? Senateens, I do move that we block this gaddem thing!”

“Thou hast spoken well, Equerry Mah-Doo”, said Abushola, “for the success of Bellows might embolden the puppet king I installed in Kwarapotamia. We shall not just block the gaddem thing. We shall kill it and lo, it shall be dead on arrival.”

And then another one of the Nassholes stood up, by the name of Nzuzu Iberibe. “Yo, fellow senateens, as long as we be the ones who taketh charge, shall we not also take charge of the whole gaddem kingdom? I move that we make Abushola the Theatrical Pretend King of the kingdom in place of Pretend King Osinoshin.”

Yea, were the senateens visibly excited by the prospect. But Abushola was a man of timing. “Chill niccurs. This ain’t the time. Though ye knowest that the throne is the ultimate desire of my heart but take ye heed that whoever rusheth to grab it may yet get his hands burnt. Or worse, cut off, in a fit of Wahala Morghulis.”

And while they chilled in senatii, there was no gaddem chill in the entire Kingdom, for the people were amazed at the gall of the nassholes.

Yet, Dinobetes was not satisfied and he instructed Michaelangelo, his mighty learned man of silk, to extract injuctio dawonduro before the magistrate. But the magistrate was not prepared to change the status quo. And lo, the Commisar of Electoralis carried on uninterrupted and in House Mellitus there was no gaddem chill.

Meanwhile, in the kingdom of Gideria, King Ambasalom was doing his best to transform the Kingdom into a megakingdom. Behold, all those of minds that were not daily renewed unto megakingdomness, yea did he smash their dwelling places and cast them into the lagoon. Gideria was going to be a megakingdom gaddemmit, and like his brother King Roe Chazz in Imolek, Ambsalom was spoiling with Giderians with utmost in infrastructural kingdomhood. But the people of Gideria were unmindful of the words of King Ree Yah of Zamfarawayland of the dangers of excessive fornication. And as they revelled, they fornicated and fornicated until their fornicatometer passed the spiritual watermark of 40 forns. And the gawds were displeased with the Giderians and looked through their rolodex of plagues for which one to send unto them. And brethren, homygheeeeeurd, it rained and poured and there was a flood upon the land. But Ambasalom was unbothered, for as far as he was concerned, his Kingdom was one of aquatic splendor and yeah he poppeth the best casks of ale at the wedding of the the children of King Ku Mo of Ogunsinia and Bee Ree, Gambrach’s advisor for Those Who Had Seen the Light and Fled the Kingdom. And yea, it was turnt!

And while all this transpired, another senateen from the kingdom of Dunamis, sworn arch-enemy and arch-rival of King El-Farquaad, looked upon the affairs of the kingdom and overcome by the spirit of the tword, sang a lamentation unto the Kingdom, which was recorded in the Book of Faces.

“KAAAAASSSUUUUNNNNWENYAAAAAA YAMAYEEE SEEEMABBOOOO!!!!”

And the Social Medianites were like, “Say what, now?”

But the spirit was strong with the senateen, whose name was Dr Shey Who (or Dr Who for short). And he lamented again, “NANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABAAAAAA!!!”

The people were still confused. But then Dr Who sang in the common tongue thus –

“From the day he arrived in the Palace and thinking he’d end corruption, there was more to see than he ever did see, more to do than our Gambrach has done…

“And now the jackals and hyenas and their wives – the hyenanas – are praying in doubt, when before they would shout, now scheming how to take the throne…

“It’s the circle of weak!!! Which our Lion King will return to destroy and he’ll bring us joy. Yes he’ll take his place in the path unwinding…”

And Lady Yeeshah, wife of Gambrach the Vanished, saw the song in the Book of Face and herself began to prophesy. “Dry bones do live again, the prayers of the dog and baboon have been answered. The Lion King returneth and no longer shall he be called Gambrach the Vanished. He shall come back with the gift of the roar, descending with his Lion Guard, and his new name shall be Kion-Gambrach. And he shall put to shame Doc McStuffins, Sophia the First and all the sissy girls on Disney Junior. Behold, he shall chase the jackals and hyenas out of the Pride Lands. And the glory of Mufassa shall be risen upon him. Selah. ANYAMANISI NABABAII.”

Brethren, ye knoweth the ending of the chronicle. Yes, indeed, the people looked around themselves in utter amazement and complete loss of chill. Behold, there was no gaddem chill in the entire kingdom.

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