With the highly anticipated Clemson game approaching this Saturday, hopeful attendees are scrambling to find student tickets to Photoshop their names onto before they get too drunk at the tailgate and miss the game. But more importantly, FSU car-owners are racing to find somewhere to park until Monday morning. The FSU Alumni Association issued a statement alerting students that every single parking garage and lot on campus will be reserved for nobody in particular all weekend, starting on Friday at 4pm. When asked why this decision was made, the Alumni Center responded with a middle finger, followed by an armpit-fart noise.

“Honestly, writing tickets is my fetish, so finding out the Alumni Center cares less about the current student population than we do was pornographic,” said Parking and Transportation Services director Dan Weebly, as he chased people out of the Woodward garage in a golf cart with a lead pipe. “Usually they only reserve the lots and garages near the stadium for Boosters, Republicans and nasty women who want to make Florida State great again. But now that every lot is reserved, I’ll be slinging out tickets like Sean Maguire will be slinging out huffs and puffs from the sideline during the game.” Weebly then proceeded to put on his sunglasses and strike a Captain Morgan stance against the bumper of a Honda Civic, only to be startled when the anti-theft alarm activated.

The Alumni Center made the announcement via e-mail earlier this week, which was promptly ignored by every student who gets more university emails than late night “wyd? (;” texts from their exes. However, those who acknowledged the email were confused by the content, which included the vague subject line “t(-.-t)” and a body message of a parking map with every option shaded red and a doctored image of John Thrasher doing a kick-flip off of Westcott fountain.

“Haha yeah, fuck y’all!” Stated Alumni Center employee Chelsea Dormer, while she rolled around in $100,000 cash, stored in a ball pit in the basement of the Alumni Center. “We were planning on leaving one lot open and holding a costume competition to give away the spots, but we didn’t want more Harley Quinns out this weekend than absolutely necessary. So we decided to screw everyone over just the same. We really value equality here at FSU.” Dormer continued, kissing Fr*nc*s *pp*s on the cheek. When asked where students should find alternative parking this weekend, Dormer responded “Wow! Good question! There should be some spots at the corner of ‘fuck’ and ‘off!’” and promptly finished polishing her framed photo of Lee Corso sitting on Burt Reynolds’ lap while driving a tow truck.