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Tuesday, December 8, 2015

The Hardest Hug

Tis the season. I usually end that saying with an exclamation point. But there are times, I just can't. Today is one of those times.

I was on a run and your hugs came to mind. How I miss those hugs. The meaning behind your hugs. You had given me countless hugs throughout my life, but there are 3 that stand out the most.

I was barely married, you came down for a visit. At the time, it seemed like any other visit. When it was time for you to leave we exchanged hugs, like we always had. It was different. Normally we let go at around the same time. But not that time. There was a linger. A hesitation. I was married now. No longer were you the primary person I would turn to for advice. No longer the person I would turn to when I was in a jam. No longer your responsibility. It was a bittersweet, uplifting hug. You had done your job. And I was the first to let go. Because in the end, you still knew what I needed.

You were newly diagnosed. I was up for a visit. It was a hard visit. Life had changed. But you were still the stoic one. It was time to leave. And like always, we exchanged hugs. We drove away. I made David turn around just a couple of minutes later. I had to go back. Surprised you were to see me standing at the front door. I hugged you. I told you how sorry I was this had happened. How unfair it was. How much I loved you. You said, " I know. I know. It's okay." I hugged you like I was 5 years old again. And I was the first to let go. Because in the end, you still knew what I needed.

April 4th, 2013. The time was nearing. We held hands. We talked. We laughed. I cried. And like always, you told me it was okay. It was heartbreaking to say a final goodbye. I never wanted that moment. I never wanted to let go. But you were tired and ready. And you were the first to let go. Because in the end, you still knew what I needed.I love you,