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Need some SI advice

I could think of no better place to come to for some sage advice. Today at work I came across information that two work colleagues have been having a long term affair. Both of these people are separately married and have multiple children with each of their respective spouses.

There has been speculation through the years that they have had something going on but now it has been confirmed. Another work colleague picked up his blackberry and started reading his texts from this other woman, which incidentally is coded not under her real name.

After going through this hell myself, obviously I am quite repulsed by this behaviour. The question that I have for you learned folks is what to do with the info.??

My first reaction is to contact their spouses and tell them to check their spouse's texts. But then I start thinking of the children of each marriage and have huge second thoughts. Do I have the right to bring so much pain into so many lives or should I just keep my mouth shut and mind my own business?? I know that I wish that someone had told me the truth about my WS years before it took me to find out :(

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/5/2014 14:51 PM

Sigh.

I don't understand the mindset of those who think that being the messenger makes THEM the one 'causing pain and heartache' for everyone.

Too bad that the affair partners couldn't keep their bloomers on long enough to have the same amount of compassion for their kids that YOU do.

Send an anonymous letter or email to both spouses if you feel strongly enough about it. Your intention is not to be malicious or vengeful, but to give the gift of sight to two betrayed people who should know the reality of their marriages.

norabird posted 3/5/2014 15:19 PM

Yes, an anonymous email to the spouses is called for.

annb posted 3/5/2014 15:26 PM

I would tell anonymously.

My BFF found out her H was having an affair through a letter she rec'd in the mail. Hard way to find out, but she was glad she was no longer in the dark and then found out her husband had two OW at the same time.

These BS's deserve to know. I wish OW BS had informed me when he intercepted an email between my WH and his wife....he didn't want to hurt me, and the affair went underground and physical after his confrontation.

There are two co-workers in WH office who were having an A. They were outed anonymously as well.

[This message edited by annb at 3:27 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]

mof2 posted 3/5/2014 16:18 PM

I would tell them anonymously. When I found out my XWH was having an affair with a married woman, I was told by family and friends not to tell her BS because they wanted my divorce to go "smoothly" ( he took and asked for nothing). I look back and think if I would have stepped in I might have been able to help keep a family together and spare 3 other children (theirs) the pain of divorce. Instead my ex worked her hard to steal from her husband as I kept quiet....and it worked. He tore apart two families. Knowing how painful it is, you need to say something. They are probably in that "fog" and could ruin their marriages and up feeling deep regret.

TheThreeYearFool posted 3/5/2014 16:28 PM

Every time I see this quandary presented in an advice column or just any internet message board, the standard advice is always the same:

"It's none of your business."

"Don't get involved."

"You'd just be hurting an innocent person."

"Maybe they have an arrangement."

Now that I know the pain of being a BS, those attitudes INFURIATE me. Pardon my language, but all of that advice is bullshit.

The BS deserves to know. Period. Every one of us has a right to know what's going on in our respective marriages.

Do I have the right to bring so much pain into so many lives or should I just keep my mouth shut and mind my own business??

A third party who outs an A isn't causing any pain. The WS caused the pain.

And the whole idea of minding your own business is ridiculous. If I see a thief grab a purse from the back of a woman's chair while she's paying attention to something else, by that logic I shouldn't yell "Hey, that guy grabbed your purse!"

My WH's best friend knew about the A almost from the beginning. Plenty of WH's coworkers suspected and some knew. The OBS knew within the first year of the A.

And nobody told me. What I wouldn't have given for some kind of hint, just anybody telling me, "Hey, check his phone."

StillStanding1 posted 3/5/2014 16:44 PM

Agreed. YOU are not inflicting pain. THEY are already inflicting pain.

Most often, the BS already senses that something is wrong in their M. They often just don't know what. I think every person should have the dignified right to make choices in their own lives based on the TRUTH. Their REALITY. Not their percieved perception of reality.

It pains me greatly.

I recently witnessed this same debate while visiting my MIL who advised my WH not to tell his HS buddy that another buddy was involved with his STBXW. I exploded. It was that "What they don't know won't hurt them" mentality that was ingrained in my WH by his mother!

It IS hurting them. Would you not tell someone they have cancer for fear that the news would hurt them? If armed with the truth, they can make the decision how they want to proceed. You didn't give them the cancer. You're just letting them know it's there.

Sorry you are in this position. It sucks.

yme32313 posted 3/5/2014 16:49 PM

My friends and I made a pack that if we knew our significant others were cheating then we would tell each other. The pack was made in good intentions that we wouldn't do it just to ruin a relationship. I believe the other spouses should know what's going on and let them decide on if they're going to work it out or move forward. I'd have like to have a friend/colleague such as yourself when I found out my boyfriend at the time was messing around.