Around the US in 80 days: Best quotes of the trip, completely out of context

In 80 days worth of traveling and hanging out with all kinds of people, solid quotes are bound to come up. Here are some of the choice few which I had the foresight to record for posterity, completely context-free. I place them here anonymously, but chronologically. Only one is from me, taken from when I had sunstroke in Hawaii and didn’t feel attached to my own thoughts.

“I accidentally took meth and stayed up for 35 hours. I thought it was Molly.”

“Her priorities are family and partying and mine are cats and math.”

“This girl showed us her boobs in a bar once.”

“When you cut into a cactus you’ll find the coldest water ever.”

“Bump. Dip. Hump.”

“This is where the magic happens.”

“It was deceptively moist.”

“Now if someone starts chanting at you, you rush them and hit them before they stop talking.”

“Sometimes the only sex you can get is Harry Potter sex.”

“You know what would go well with freedom? Ice cream.”

“If there was a state called Janetka it would be Wyoming’s polar opposite.”

“Vegetables for the Road: The Greg Janetka story.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever eaten an elk before.”

“Ivan Goodman woke up and his mummy was gone.”

“I just think the chopped salads are beautiful.”

“The naked Henry Kissinger – that’s a good litmus test.”

“Except for the eastern part of the state, where the Republicans and Democrats came together and said ‘let’s make meth.'”

“You can be the vegan Sancho Panza to my hot dog tilting friend.”

“Because moms are girls and you’re not a girl.”

“Breakfast sausage is one of those things I could never really cook right.”

“Man, these things are like planes without wings.”

“Everything I touch turns to shit!”

“You are statistically average.”

“Call me old fashioned but butts and boobs are good enough for me.”

“Because doughnuts.”

“The scary ones are when you think, ‘Is it going to touch my butt?'”

“We have thermonuclear Bloody Mary’s available.”

“If you would’ve asked me about his facial hair situation I would have agonized between the chinstrap and full on goatee.”