An Authentic, Sometimes Gritty, and Always Hopeful Blog for All Who Live with Severe Physical Pain

Monday, November 7, 2011

What Michael Jackson and I Have in Common

I am a year older than Michael Jackson, so, naturally, I have been
inclined to follow his music and life through the years. I loved his little boy sweetness when he sang
“Ben” and I believed he was about the most gifted performer on the planet when
he released his “Thriller” album. I
became annoyed with him, though, when he began to wear a single glove and grab
at his crotch through every song, and later, came to feel sorry for him as he underwent
repeated plastic surgeries, finding no peace with the contours of his
face. In the 90’s, I felt disdain for
him when the rumors surfaced about the possible sexual abuse occurring at his Neverland
Ranch. I pretty much ignored anything in the news relative to him after
that, although I pitied him when reports of his marriages to Priscilla Presley
and another woman raked him across the headlines, and was shocked when he
dangled his infant son over a balcony. Sadly,
I wasn't surprised when allegations of drug abuse arose, and when Jackson was found dead in June of 2009, I simply shook my head sadly , at what is now an all too familiar fate among celebrities.
Whether his doctor, Conrad Murray pulled the final plug on his life or
not, it seemed life had been continuously dripping down the drain for this
confused and tortured man.

Although I am not interested in the details of Murray’s trials, I have been
unable to escape some of them, as I try to catch up with the morning's headlines while I make my coffee and eat my cereal. Through the bits and pieces I have heard, I
discover that I relate to Michael Jackson more than I would think.

First, Jackson and I share a journey with
physical pain. Idid not know just how much Jackson suffered frompain. After I heard this mentioned in the news, I googled
it, to find out more. Jackson suffered from
all sorts of pain: as the result of his plastic surgeries, from an
auto-immune disease, and from the sheer intensity of his dancing. Also,
Jackson experienced several accidents, a notable one occurring in 1984, when
his hair caught on fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial which required
hospitalization for severe scalp burns. Jackson knew pain--no wonder he started taking
pain meds somewhere along the way. I do
too.

The
second area where I relate to Jackson is much more personal, and it strikes me
deeply to imagine his despair at the end of his life over it. Jackson revealed his
deepest longing in a now, infamous garbled tape, recorded by Dr. Murray just a
couple of weeks before his death. In it,
Jackson expresses regrets about his life, and says, essentially, that all he
wanted to do was to “give his children a
good life.”

I am humbled by how similar is
Jackson’s longing to my own. My pain
syndrome has changed my life in ways that I too, regret for my children and now
also for my grandchildren. My energy has
left me high and dry too many times to count; my medication has hampered my processing and my memory, resulting in frustration
and embarrassment for my kids; and I
have shown them that they cannot count on me for certain, because pain has kept
me from being prepared, or from showing up at all for over six years now.

If I could make a wish it would be the
same as Jackson’s--to give my children a good life. I wish I could change the way I am and
prevent these things from happening.

But, thanks be to God, I “get” something that Jackson missed.For in my next breath, I realize, once again, thatpain is not the issue. Rather, it
is my foolish notion that my life without pain would make me “better”. In truth, I cannot claim to having been such a great parent before I became ill--for wisdom comes with pain as it does all
difficulties. Indeed, it is my ongoing
choice to act as though I really believe that Christ is my savior and,
therefore, is at work for good in and through all things… including my
pain...that gives strength to my weakness. When I can show my family that God’s
love is deep, and wide; long and high, then I am the best parent possible.

We need
not be the sum of our circumstances--I am sorry that it appears that Michael
Jackson may have not known this. I hope
that my blog will help you to see that your life matters for so much more than
you could ever imagine, regardless, and possibly, in part due to the pain through
which you journey. God loves you more than you can imagine and is at work, even now, to make this thing right. I am praying for you.

Yet
for us there is [only] one God, the Father, Who is the Source of all things and
for Whom we [have life], and one Lord, Jesus Christ, through and by Whom are
all things and through and by Whom we [ourselves exist].