Buberella's forum to talk crap

XXI The World

I have seriously never pulled this card before. I’m kind of amazed that I did. When I look at this card, I see multitudes? First there is the night sky. Against that is sort of an eye. Starting with what would be the pupil and moving outwards, the “pupil” is a white light that radiates like the sun. It shines onto white flowers that in in a circle around the “sun”. Surrounding that is a layer of what could be earth or snakeskin. Either way, it’s a grid holding together whatever is in the center. The final layer outside of this is rainbow-colored. You could see this as the eyelashes if we’re going with the eye analogy. This layer has lines that are perpendicular to the center of the eye but colorful and cheerful. The night sky outside has sparkling stars in it.

When I look at this card, take in it’s place as the final card in the Major Arcana, and it’s name “The World”, I think it’s an important card to pull. It feels like a positive and prosperous card and I’m instinctively glad I chose it today.

The book says “Wholeness, Completion”. “The world is the final card in the journey of the major arcana. It signifies completion, harmony, and contentment. It’s rare to experience this energy, as we are usually consumed by wanting, needing, and achieving. So when this card appears contemplate for a moment the idea of “being whole”. Focus on the image on the card…close your eyes and envision this radiating energy inside you. What does it feel like? Where is it located? What blocks you from feeling a sense of “wholeness” each and every day of your life?”

God, I love this. This idea of “wholeness”, “harmony”, and “contentment” has been heavy on my mind lately. I have a tendency to grasp for things. I’ve been recognizing in myself a need to constantly be looking for what’s next. In that, I’m constantly thinking of “what I need” to achieve “what’s next”. What I need to focus on is “what I have right now” to help me get started with what I want to achieve. I have this idea that if I just had the right tools, I could get started. In other words, instead of looking inside myself to question why I won’t get started, I place the blame on something outside myself as a “reason” why I “can’t” begin. This process puts a perpetual halt on everything I want to do. But it’s not for lack of trying necessarily. Within the grasping there is a desire for positive change which is the key to a step in any good direction.

For example, when I think about my life and the way that I live it, I know that I have to get up earlier in the morning if I want to achieve all the things that I want to achieve. The problem is that I’ve always been a heavy sleeper and it is extremely difficult to tear myself out of bed once I’m sleeping. It’s not that I can’t do it ever. When I have a solid reason, I can do it. But most mornings, I find myself waking up without leaving myself any time for myself.

What do I want to do in the morning? I want to write, or read, or exercise. I want to do yoga or go walking. I want to have a sit-down breakfast with Kristyn. I basically want some solid time to myself to improve myself. I think that if I made this a priority, I’d have a much more “harmonious” and “content” life. As a step in this direction, I’ve done a sleep study and started sleeping with a BiPap machine (which is definitely helping). I also asked for an alarm clock for Christmas and have been using it. Both of these things have made it easier to get out of bed. In fact, that’s why I’m here writing now. I woke up at 7am, got out of bed, gave myself time to read a bit, had breakfast, and now I’m writing in the study. It feels nice.

My brain is at loggerheads though because what I REALLY want to do is get up and go for a walk or go to the gym. My body is cold though so that’s not happening. I decided this morning, though, “Who cares?” Small steps. 7am is not as early as I want to get up. It’s earlier than I have been. If I need to do small things to get myself to where I want to be, so be it. Someone put a good thought in my head recently that they go to the gym for one hour five days a week first thing in the morning. They do it this way because if it’s first thing every day, it becomes like clockwork. You can’t do it three days because that turns every day into “Well I can’t do it TODAY, but I’ll definitely do it TOMORROW.” I know I’d do that myself.

But these two things, writing and exercising, they’re important to me and I need to make time for them in my life. They both make me feel like a much more in control person. Plus, I have to exercise if I ever want to have a baby. I need to keep that in mind. Oh, one other thing with the idea of “wholeness”. I’ve been trying to eat “whole” lately as a directive from my dietician. I was doing great with it but fell off the wagon for Christmas. I started back yesterday but it was a bit of a bumpy ride. Today I ate whole for breakfast and I feel good.

Okay, I’m going to write a different post because I think it deserves it. I don’t want the thought to be buried in this post.