10 Book titles: ACTUAL book titles – and your mission is to read the list, stop long enough from your gut splitting laughter, compose yourself, then choose a few from the list – and write:write the “jacket blurb” – in no more than 10 sentences. Choose no more than 3 selections

Here are your titles:

People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to do About it

Living with Crazy Buttocks

Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

Don’t Tell Mum I Work on The Rigs, She Thinks I’m a Piano Player in a Whorehouse

Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop and Other Practical Advice in Our Campaign Against the Fairy Kingdom

Managing a Dental Practice, The Genghis Kahn Way

The Pyromaniac’s Cookbook

The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse

Never Suck a Dead Man’s Hand: And Other Life (and Death) Lessons from the Front Line of Forensics

Sunbeams May Be Extracted from Cucumbers, But the Process is Tedious

Sunbeams May Be Extracted from Cucumbers, But the Process is Tedious

This could be read as an outstanding horticultural textbook but if so you would be sadly delusional.

It would be easy to mistake it for a Philip K Dick sci-fi novel but then again you would be wrong.

The secret to this book is understanding the meaning and nature of the word tedious.

It is a tedious read, from start to finish.

There will be moments when you will question your sanity.

Moments when you’ll be glad you ate before start your morning read.

In Chapter 13 you first read any reference to a cucumber, which does come as a disappointment.

The passing comment from the books protagonist about cucumber in his sandwich is about as much as you get on that subject.

As you labour your way through the seven hundred pages of drivel that best describes the writing you begin to wonder if you’ll ever sleep peacefully at night again.

By the end of this book you’ll be of the opinion the sun is wiser than it looks in avoiding cucumbers as you’ll never look at one the same way again.

Never Suck a Dead Man’s Hand: And Other Life (and Death) Lessons from the Front Line of Forensics

I’m sure the author of this text was on a mission to earn a quick fire dollar from this book.

If blood, gore, graphic description of injury and an odd penchant for the macabre is your thing then you’ll enjoy what is to come.

Forensics is an exacting science, and within society we depend on it to help solve so many mysteries.

Why did grandpa up and die so suddenly at 104 years of age?

We explore the ins and outs of the investigation into grandpa’s demise and it comes as no surprise to the more sane of us that grandpa died of old age.

Then you’ll be thrown into the case of Myra Mary Donald who was found at the bottom of a well.

It was obvious, and certainly described that way, that she had been down the well a long time.

We marvel at the skill of the forensic team as they piece Myra Mary back to together, deduce her sexual preferences, dismiss each of her numerous partners as potential perpetrators and then reveal the ultimate culprit.

This book will have you glued to your seat, a page turner that horrifies you the further you go.

Managing a Dental Practice, The Genghis Kahn Way

Based on the life and times of London dentist Genghis Kahn who unlike his historical counterpart, Genghis Khan, did not secure himself a page in the history of the world.

Genghis Kahn was to dentistry what Ed Wood was to film making.

He considered himself an asset to society and in setting up his practice claimed to have devised pain free dentistry.

His infamous statements during surgery have been handed down through various dental journals as a guide as to what not to do.

As a patient struggled against the pain of his drill Genghis would call back to them, “I can’t feel it.”

Genghis is accredited with an early form of root canal treatment by throwing patients into the Root Canal behind his practice where every known and many unknown forms of bacteria would invade your body permanently taking your mind off what ever dental issue you thought you had.

“Just a little longer,” was another of his infamous statements usually said with one foot on your chest to hold you in the chair.

So if you are into dentistry with a humourous twist, and a how not to text this is the book for you.