Throwback Monday – My Version of the Ladder Theory

Sorry folks – it was quite a weekend and I did not have time to post. We we’l do throwback today and I’ll give you something good tomorrow…sound good?

So about a year ago I found myself on what appeared to be an impromptu blind date. Dude was smart, funny, and interesting but not particularly hot. And before you start to roll your eyes at my shallowness, let me assure you that I have dallied with my fair share on non-cuties in my lifetime. So it’s not that every man I have to date has to be Idris Elba handsome, it’s just that I’ve noticed a trend in behaviour that occurs when non-cute men date hotties such as myself.

Sidebar: this post is based on the principle that I am a hottie. Call me an egomaniac if you will, but none of this is gonna make any sense if you don’t subscribe to that particular theory.

Anyway. For those of you not familiar with the ladder theory, it’s a pseudoscientific explanation the ways in which men and women evaluate members of the opposite sex upon first impressions. In the ladder theory model, this decision is typically made quickly and is often final. This determines the other’s potential as a future mate. (source)

So basically, when men and women meet, they place each other on a ladder based on how they score on a bunch of different points. The higher the score, the higher you go on the ladder. The whole thing is pretty stupid complex, but the one aspect of the ladder theory that is relevant to this post is “ladder disparity”. Simply put, this is when two people meet each other and place each other on vastly different points on the ladder. Check out this picture:

See how Bob has Jane on the bottom of his ladder and Jane has Bob at the top of hers? That’s what we’re talking about here.

Now back to they mystery date. Although homeboy and I are both funny, smart, and interesting, I would likely end up higher on his ladder than he would on mine because I am hot and he is a troll of the difference in our levels of attractiveness. And I know what you’re gonna say – looks don’t matter, it’s what inside that counts, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, pretty and $3 will get you on the bus. But before you start with all that, let me school you. The problem is not one’s level of attractiveness per se, it’s how our perception of our own attractiveness and that of our partners dictates how we behave.

Let me illustrate: I (a hottie as previously discussed) once dated a man who – when I first saw him – literally made my jaw drop. But oh my lord what a spectacular asshole he was. Seriously. I’ve never been treated worse by a man and trust me when I tell you I have met some real jackasses in my time. But oh if you guys could have seen me, buying shoes for this man, cooking for him, enduring levels of disrespect that I can’t even get into here, all because he was higher than I on the ladder. I felt that he was out of my league and that I had to bend over backwards to please him because of all the other women out there just waiting for me to fuck up so they could snatch him.

Conversely, I also once dated a man whose jaw probably dropped when he first saw me. He was a nice guy, but definitely nothing to get excited about in the looks department. But oh how he showered me with attention and affection. Because I was out of his league, he had to work overtime to win me over.

So you’re probably wondering, what’s wrong with that?

Well in the first scenario, the dude was highly attractive and in his mind that gave him license to be an asshole. and no matter how accommodating I was, he stayed an asshole. The only thing that changed was that I met someone else got sick of it and bounced. In the second scenario, despite my superior level of attractiveness I was not an asshole and never became one. And because of his efforts, old dude eventually won me over and we reached a point of equilibrium where we were equally into each other. And then he became an asshole and the whole thing ended in a dramatic, painful, and tragic way.

Get it now? No? Okay – let me break it down for you (so it can forever and consistently be broke). When a woman dates a hottie, she works hard to prove her worth. To paraphrase the late great Robin Harris, ugly girls don’t want no trouble. They’re just grateful a hot dude is giving them the time of day, even if it’s wrong. But when a woman dates an uggo, he’s not grateful, he’s on a mission. He has one objective: to cut her down to size and he will do whatever it takes to accomplish his goal. He’ll refuse to tell her she’s pretty because he doesn’t want to “gas up her head”. He’ll be distant, sketchy, and confusing until he has flipped things in such a way so as to make her behave as though she’s the one at the bottom of the ladder.

So the moral of the story is not that a pretty girl should never date a homely dude. It’s just that a lot of girls go for the less attractive ones because they think it will be easier. There’s an expectation that the unfortunate-looking man will continue to work hard for his hot girl throughout their relationship because at every moment he will be aware that she’s out of his league. And I’m here to tell you: this is not the case. Non-cute men have egos just like cuties do and they’re not gonna sweat you ad infinitum – why go through all that bother when they can just cut you down to a manageable size?

So what does all this mean for impromptu blind date dude? I found out that he is known in his social circle for being the ugly dude who pulls nuff girls because he’s educated and well-to-do. And he dumps them with a quickness for infractions such as not having pretty enough feet or misusing a word in a sentence. And also that he’s not feeling me.

Comments 3

I wholeheartedly agree with your ladder theory, which deserves to be published in an academic journal somewhere. Every last bit of it has proven true in my personal experience. I'll be the first to provide you with empirical data for your upcoming academic publication, if you so desire