WRITER

Grand Finale

When I think about the works of art I should plan to create at some future point in time, I mainly focus on trying to do something totally different than what anyone in the world has ever done. For example, I could ride a motorcycle straight into the support girders of a freeway bridge. You might point out that this has been done many times since motorcycles and girders first began sharing space on this planet, but I don’t believe it has ever purposely been done for the sake of art. In my case, I will have someone videotape the event to be shown at a gallery. At the opening, the artist will be present, as is customary, in a casket sealed in a glass case.

I’m well aware that this particular art exhibit would be the last for me, so I’m keeping it in my back pocket for use later in life. Perhaps, when I’m 110 and feeling like I’ve accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish in life (a very likely scenario by then), I’ll whip it out to set the art world on fire! This would also provide financial support for my children, since I will draw up plans for the project and, upon the work’s execution, will have my estate sell the plans to the highest bidder. The sale will also cover costs over-and-above what the art-socialite benefactor has provided, ensuring that no one is saddled with debts for my golden casket enclosed in a bulletproof glass display case, as is essential to the work. (Look, I’ve already told the NEA about the casket and bulletproof glass case when I applied for the funding, so I can’t go back on that now, and though I never mentioned in the application that the casket would be made of gold, objectively speaking, that should be obvious!). Finally, and perhaps most importantly, this will release me from the fate of most 110 year old artists, who find their work has slowed to a trickle, or else are already dead. I refuse to peter out and allow myself to fade from the collective consciousness of the art world!

Now, problem 1: What if motorcycles are an outmoded form of transportation 60 years from now, when I’m just about 110? Here is where I stop blogging and contact my lawyers about language in my draft plans. Thank you for your understanding.