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Project management and wedding planning are interchangeable terms. Both utilize timelines with important milestones, research, required materials, contact names and roles, and so much more (thrilling diagram pictured). Sounds like an exciting way to plan what is suppose to be a fun and relaxing day, right? Not so much.

Let’s use project management to un-plan your wedding. A basic tool used in PM is the Five W’s: what, why, who, where and when. Grab pen, paper and your PMP (a.k.a. pre-marital partner, I can’t say fiancée…it’s just too…foreign) and ask yourself the below questions from a wedding rebel standpoint.

Why are you getting married?

Seems like a silly question, but it is important to ask. Your answer should only include thoughts on commitment, love, union, vows, etc… If you say you’re excited to wear a wedding dress or host an open bar for 200 people you are headed for divorce court my friend.

Why do you want to have a rebel wedding?

In other words, are you committed to having an intimate destination wedding or elopement? It is inevitable folks will give you some flack, so are you ready to hold your rebel ground?

What wedding plans are you unwilling to alter?

Again, this should not include your unwillingness to cut one of your fifteen bridesmaids. Un-planning your wedding means being committed to an intimate and meaningful event. You must be unwilling to host a huge, catered, circus production simply because you feel it is expected of you.

Alright, I got you started. Ask yourselves more Why and What questions, in addition to the When, Where and Who questions. Thinking through these queries will help you zone in on what is important and keep your distance from the ever-stalking wedding beasts. One bite and hello Bridezilla…or Groomenstein.

What happens when you push someone with force and malice? The other person will either fall back or push back. Unless you are knee deep in a mud-wrestling contest, both results suck. Planning a wedding is a series of head locks and throw downs.

A groom may be forcing the concept on eloping on his bride. The MOTB (Mom of the Bridezilla) may be shoving unwanted wedding traditions at the couple. Avoid bumps and bruises by proactively preventing the brawls.

It takes a great deal of self-control and unparallel communication skills to accomplish this task. Two qualities I did not possess as a bride. My fear of offending others caused my lips to seal in many insistences. In other situations, I was so emotionally disconnected from the event that I overlooked the emotional attachment our loved ones had to the day.

Perfect example…

I told my stepmom I could care less who was in the room when I put on my wedding dress at the church because I truly didn’t care. To me it was the moment I was shedding my true identity and donning a mask for the day. I found out a few weeks later, in a bold phone call, she was sincerely upset about me dismissing a mother-daughter moment she had envisioned. I had no idea. We retreated then pushed while exhibiting no communication skills. I wasn’t explaining my lack of interest and she failed to communicate hers.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it for a couple days. I’ll be back to give you simple steps on how to avoid the wedding wrestling matches.

No, I am not advising you punch a bridezilla in the face. Rather, enter the slightly less enjoyable Beat the Bride Contest. Certainly, some brides deserve a beating and here’s your chance…sorta.

Beat brides of the past, present or future by sharing your TRUE bridezilla nightmare moment story. The most dramatic, shocking and perhaps slightly disturbing story will win! Three winners (one for each category…for the mathematically challenged) will win a fab bridal box (sample pictured). Here are the rules:

1. Enter your real bridezilla story below as a post. Be sure to use an email I can use to reach you should you win.

2. State in your post the category you are entering: past (any date prior to Feb. 1st), present (getting hitched by April 30th) or future (May 1st+)

3. Keep your true story under 350 words.

4. Post your nightmare tale by February 26th.

Your story may also be published in Wedding Rebellion: Saying “I Do” to the Marriage and “Hell No” to the Drama (with your written permission, of course).

Good luck bridal beasts of the past, present and future! Beat the crap out of each other!

Martha Beck from Oprah.com recently wrote, “Live by design, not by accident.”

Let’s translate that quote into wedding rebellion speak…”Plan with purpose, not by social standards.”

Like Michael J. Fox morphing into teen wolf, the commercial wedding industry will transform you into something unrecognizable. You may begin to think welcome bags, custom invitations and a five-tiered wedding cake are the standards to meet. These thoughts belong to the accidental bridezilla. Despite your initial claim to be a cool, calm and collected bride, you have fallen victim to the bridal beast. It takes you days to decide on linens. Weeks go by before you select your seven bridesmaid’s dresses. Months are spent grueling over decorations.

Which one of these words doesn’t belong?

Tulle

Lilies

Kitty heals

Satin

Union

Electric Slide

Open Bar

Rehearsal Dinner

Carriage Ride

Your pending union is a reflection of your love and commitment to the relationship. Jager Bombs and group dances do not represent your nuptials in any way. Those other words just cloud your judgment and create a thick fog in your overpriced venue.

Keep your wedding clearly defined. See the day for what is truly is…a marriage. Yes, there are family, friends and a celebration, but those are secondary details that should never outshine the nuptials.

Exciting day for this wedding rebel. The term Wedding Rebellion has been approved for Trademark from the US Patent and Trademark office!

For those interested in pursuing a Trademark, I won’t lie, it was a long process. To ensure you are filing right (TM vs Copyright vs Patent) there are many articles and videos to check out (http://www.uspto.gov/). Once you decide which to file, you read and watch more videos on how to file the paperwork. The videos are fairly amusing and incredibly helpful.

After completing the extensive online forms, you make a payment and pick your nose for 6-10 months. They will call you eventually to inform you if your request is approved, amended or denied. Mine was amended. I will get the TM, but will have to include a disclosure stating I do not own the word wedding. I can deal with that.

Sex and the City (the movie) pleased most fans of the television show. But it flipp’in thrilled me! Writers showcased the accidental bridezilla. SJP’s character, Carrie, truly did let her wedding get bigger than Big (aka,her hubby). A boat load of money, choice of designer dresses, NYC as a wedding backdrop only took away from their nuptials. In the end, she smashes her million dollar bouquet into the face of the man who left her at the altar.

Avoid the drama and elope! Unfortunately, the idea of elopement can cause a variety of negative responses that may include: crying, screaming, kicking, biting, shunning, or begging. I find it ironic that couples announcing their plans to have a large, expensive, commercial wedding wouldn’t trigger those type of responses. Why would those who truly love you encourage you to spend ungodly amounts of time and funds on an event that will overshadow and undermine your union? Unfortunately, the most logical answer is simple…they are selfish.

Today’s nuptials are impractical. Rebel weddings (a.k.a. eloping) are sincere, meaningful and purposeful occasions. There are many ways to elope as the concept has evolved throughout the decades. It no longer just includes a trip to the courthouse. Venues can range from your backyard to the beach. Escape the crazy. Elope.

Technically, I am not a mother. Although I do think dedicated pet parents, like me, fall into a similar role. I do understand the relentless draw to love, protect and embed yourself in a little ones life. Mothers stumbling across this blog will surely send me hate email. Bring it on M.O.T.B. (Mother of the Bridezilla), because I truly believe you are bat crazy if you think your child’s wedding day has anything to do with you.

Yes, you raised and supported your child into adulthood. Yes, you deserve gratitude and love for your dedication. Even though your child didn’t ask to be born, you made a decision (or blissful mistake) to bring a child into this crazy place and vowed to guide them through life.

You were able to witness graduations, broken hearts, career moves and more. You may even have played a large role in those special moments.

There is one moment that does not belong to you. There is no “mom” in “marriage.” Your son or daughter giving their commitment to each other has nothing to do with their mommy or daddy. As a parent, you gave them the tools to be mature, responsible adults that would select a worthy partner, but that is where your journey ends. Or were you planning on tucking the newlyweds in their marriage bed with a cup of hot coco too?

In my many interviews with brides and their families, it is my opinion that much deeper issues drive the obsessive parental wedding behavior. You have to ask yourself what is driving your emotions. Are you sincerely pissed about your ex-husband sitting in a pew closer to the altar than you, or are your feelings stemming from a deeper issue? Does your anger over the hated wedding venue originate from something more sincere than the physical location?

A teenager moving away to college leaves parents coping with the dreaded empty nest syndrome. Getting hitched means they don’t even need your nest anymore, and that can be a difficult pill to swallow. They are going to build their own nest. It is the cycle of life. In no way does it mean they no longer love or respect you, it just means they are continuing to expand out on the world. You should be proud, and more importantly you should be supportive. Well, unless your future daughter in law resembles Lindsay Lohan. That’s a different post entirely.