The New York Post, one of the most respected names in lurid journalism, has obtained a copy of a new "tell-all" memoir by Mimi Alford, a woman who claims to have had a pretty skeezy affair with President John F. Kennedy when she was a 19-year-old summer intern at the White House. A faithful Post scribe has copied and summarized some of the sexiest (or creepiest) passages from the memoir — which will be released this Wednesday — including Alford and Kennedy's first alleged encounter in "Mrs. Kennedy's room."

"I noticed he was moving closer and closer. I could feel his breath on my neck. He put his hand on my shoulder," she recounts.

The next thing she knew, he was standing above her, looking directly into her eyes and guiding her to the edge of the bed.

"Slowly, he unbuttoned the top of my shirtdress and touched my breasts. Then he reached up between my legs and started to pull off my underwear. I finished unbuttoning my shirtdress and let it fall off my shoulders."

Kennedy pulled down his pants but, with his shirt still on, hovered above her on the bed.
He smelled of his cologne, 4711. He paused when he noticed her resisting.

"Haven't you done this before?" he asked.

"No," she said.

Eww, cologne. The affair, dirty and abrupt as it may seem, was apparently only a very small part of JFK's dissolution — Alford also claims that Kennedy encouraged her to take "poppers" because they "purportedly enhanced sex," and recounts the President's especially gross efforts to goad her into performing oral sex on a White House adviser.

"He had been guilty of an even more callous and unforgivable episode at the White House" during a noon swim. Powers had rolled up his pants to cool his feet in the water.

"The president swam over and whispered in my ear. ‘Mr. Powers looks a little tense,' he said. ‘Would you take care of it?'

"It was a dare, but I knew exactly what he meant. This was a challenge to give Dave Powers oral sex. I don't think the president thought I'd do it, but I'm ashamed to say that I did . . . The president silently watched."

Alford's memoir, Once Upon a Secret: My Affair with President John F. Kennedy and Its Aftermath, is being published by Random House and has already made a big splash over the weekend. JFK's philandering has been a matter of popular knowledge since his presidency, but Alford's new account, whether it holds up under further non-Post scrutiny, will at least show that the inherent power imbalance in an intern/Grand Poo-ba of the Non-Communist World relationship facilitates the exploitation of the intern. At least in Alford's estimation, a proposition from such a powerful figure was almost impossible to deny.

The fact that I was being desired by the most famous and powerful man in America only amplified my feelings to the point where resistance was out of the question. That's why I didn't say no to the president. It's the best answer I can give.

If you decide to read the Post's entire account in all its supreme grossness, I recommend waiting to do it until you'll definitely have time to take a shower afterwards because it's diiiirrrrttty.