10 Reasons Why You Should NEVER Go For The Girl Who Drinks Whiskey

Like: How big their shoes are, how many times they go to the toilet during a film at the cinema, how many times they go back up to the buffet in a Chinese restaurant, If they voted for the Tories or Labour or Lib Dems or Greens or UKIP or something.

There are the people who drink beer, and get gassy. There are the people who drink wine and eat cheese. There are the people who drink vodka and… I dunno, eat cheese? There are the gin drinkers who enjoy a good game of hide the sausage. We know everything about these people because…alcohol is like tea leaves.

With that being said, when someone drinks whiskey we know everything about them and when a woman drinks whiskey it basically tells us everything we need to know about her, because that’s how alcohol and gender works.

Here are 10 reasons not to date the woman who loves whiskey:

10: Because It’s a Man’s Drink.

Duh. Isn’t that obvious? I mean, sure, some people might like to think that alcohol is pretty gender neutral, but YOU’RE WRONG. Unless she has been given specific permission by a man that she is allowed to drink one of ” the most masculine choices at the bar [sic]” then she is breaking every law imaginable and should be avoided like the plague.

9: She’s Probably Stronger Than You.

If she’s ordering so many whiskeys one after the other, she’s definitely a strong independent woman who cares for no-one’s opinion yet is seeking someone’s approval but it’s ok because she’s not going to get it here.

8: She Probably Likes The Taste.

HOW FUCKING DARE SHE. THE FUCKING CHEEK OF IT.

7: She Obviously Has Life Ambitions.

Someone’s choice of alcohol clearly indicates the path they have chosen to take in life, and Whiskey quite clearly is the drink of choice for someone who is out to get all of your money. Isn’t that obvious?

6: She’s Probably A Slut.

There are certain drinks that evoke sexiness. Whiskey is one of them (DUH). Herpies a plenty because: Whiskey.

5: She’s Probably Too Smart For You.

When a woman drinks whiskey, it’s because she’s smart. She’s definitely a big reader of Tolstoy and has probably translated the bible into 45 unknown languages. Steer clear.

4: She’s Definitely Too Mature For You.

A girl that drinks whiskey obviously has very little time for your cheap jokes about “doing sex” and willies and stuff. She’s into the finer things in life like…drinking whiskey and making cheap observations about things.

3: Her Tastes Are Probably So Much Finer Than Yours.

Whiskey is fucking expensive. You can’t afford to pay for her habits can you? Drinking whiskey is a definitive sign that she probably wants a yacht or something.

2: She’ll Probably Cry Her Eyes Out

Whiskey is a clear indicator of emotional distress, despite it also being a sign of being strong and mature and smart and I forgot what I was saying.

1: She’ll Probably Kick You In The Shins And Ride Away On Her MotorBike.

Because whiskey is the gateway to all that and so much more.

Shout out to EliteDaily.Com for the inspiration for the clickbait and for contributing to the sheer shitness of the internet.