There’s nothing like watching someone we know live their dreams, and this…was a big one!!

Watch this review of a community building and healing conference that happened this year in Brazil and will continue, possibly around the world, in years to come. Many blessings to Pri for living their dream!

January’s Transformation: For the past several years I’ve written about how difficult this month and sometimes season can be for me. January features anniversaries of deaths, illnesses, breakups, being orphaned, birthdays; abandonment, separation – loss, loss, loss…

It was only a few years ago that I learned/discovered that my body and psyche were responding to these past experiences. Prior to that time, I was totally confused/bewildered, stressed and even at times angered by my deep depression. It was about this time, (approx. 2008) when I was beginning to look back from a place of already healing that I realized there were so many difficult experiences that all seemed to happen around, near, and/or as a result of my birth – my first transformation. Continue reading →

By asking a simple question of myself, ” Why is it so hard for me to call others, (even just to chat)?” I discovered not only when this behavior began but also how at certain times in my youth I was encouraged to feel unworthy and not a part-of my family. I also recognized the role I played in allowing a gatekeeper to the rest of my family to convince me why I need not be in contact with others. I’ve learned to forgive me as child, and youth and for years even into adulthood for allowing the manipulation. The gatekeeper had criticisms and blame for almost everyone I knew and loved. And, I loved and admired them so much, I ate every one word and sentiment of what they said. It also helped that they shamed me for being gay, for removing myself from outrageous alcoholism at home. As former foster kid with abandonment issues, I clung to the person who wanted connection with me, the manipulator. And, I can’t tell you how much of my lost self-worth I am finding in this awakening memory. And, I’m allowing grief, anger and sadness. I also deeply and sincerely forgive them. ~ I will not suffer.

What is suffering? In the past I would have blamed and scolded my younger self for not seeing through the smoke screen which would literally damage my relationship with the rest of my family. Not too many years ago, I would have blamed and scolded this person for their part. But, what would any blaming or scolding serve now? How would that kind of response help with my healing? And why would I want my self or the other person to suffer for what cannot be undone?

Awakening can at times be synonymous with healing.

Metta: I literally had tears at work for most of this morning. This awakening has hit me hard and so my response has been to be with it. To feel the hurt, the anger and the sadness. And the reason I’m not suffering is because I’m allowing these feelings while holding myself with loving compassion. There is no space for shame and guilt, in Metta.

So much has been lost – maybe. Or perhaps everything is unfolding perfectly. My separation from my family allowed me an exploration of myself and life I could not have experienced with them. Why would I choose to suffer when I can instead be grateful for this awakening that *is related to my sense of self-worth and feeling of deserving.

Awakening can at times be synonymous with healing. Awakening is not easy. For many of us we have a few layers of “past” or “ego” to peel back, for others it’s about shining the light on hidden places sometimes forgotten. I know it can be many things for many people and part of it is a growing understanding that we create our own suffering.

“…forgive them for they know not what they do.” Jesus, The Jewish man revered by Christians and many others

Today I reminded the beautiful group of women I had the honor to counsel and learn from, that we are all Spirits in flesh. Nothing can actually damage us. Yes, we will experience pain, hurt, anger and sadness and, we can choose to do so with open hearts, full of love and compassion for ourselves and those who may not have found their path to their healing.

Everyday and in every moment we have the power to choose who and how we show up. And…it takes love, compassion, practice, courage, and faith to be and awaken to the best you. It ain’t easy, and at times it’s fun – and it’s so, so freeing. Opportunities for joyous moments and deep meaningful connection with yourself and others abound, as you also experience the alignment, magic and self discovering earned through times of solitude.

You are perfect just the way you are. I accept the perfectness of who I am in this moment. Together we are expanding Metta for ourselves, for each other, for those we love, for those we know and throughout the world.

Thank you for being a part of my awakening. May we experience much peace and joy today and throughout our lifetimes.

Here is the message I want to absorb and spread for 2013 – Everything Is Waiting For You! All your dreams are calling you! All the love you need is here! Life the gift you get to express your way! Happy 2013 and Thank you David Whyte

Everything is Waiting for You

Your great mistake is to act the drama
as if you were alone. As if life
were a progressive and cunning crime
with no witness to the tiny hidden
transgressions. To feel abandoned is to deny
the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,
even you, at times, have felt the grand array;
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding
out your solo voice. You must note
the way the soap dish enables you,
or the window latch grants you freedom.
Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.
The stairs are your mentor of things
to come, the doors have always been there
to frighten you and invite you,
and the tiny speaker in the phone
is your dream-ladder to divinity.

Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into
the conversation. The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots
have left their arrogant aloofness and
seen the good in you at last. All the birds
and creatures of the world are unutterably
themselves. Everything is waiting for you.

What I haven’t spoken about in this session is just how loaded January’s are for me. It is this month, 1963, I was born and possibly separated from my birth mom. It was the month of January, in my 10th year, that I began praying day & night that I would die before my rock/my adopted mom, who would pass the following month despite my young tears and prayers. My adopted dad’s birthday is on the 19th, close if not the same date of my (after 8 years,) break up last year.

In January 1979 I left school, home and moved in with a lover, 5 years older, to Williamsburg, Brooklyn. I was 16 and she was violent. In January 1983, I attended SUNY Purchase, became President of the GLB Union, I came out to my adopted older sister who loved me but not my sexual preference, and it’s been strange and estranged between me and adopted my family since then – some of that my own doing (Pre Alanon). My dad died on the 15th, (1985, after 11 years in a bottle) MLKs B-Day, the day before my birthday and sometimes the reason I can forget my birthday.

In January 2010 within days of starting my life-saving coaching certification program, I received a letter from the state of New York telling me, (for the first time in my life,) that my birth mom didn’t die giving birth to me, a burden I carried until that time. There is no record of my birth father.

In 2010 I was finally able to begin grieving the losses of all of my parents (with the assistance of my coach and CTI Certification tribe, who I connect with regularly). It was also this year, 37 years later, that I was able to release the prayers that lead me through decades of passive suicidal behaviors.

In January 2011, after taking time off for the CTI Leadership program, I became a Co-Active Professional Certified Coach🙂 In January 2012, I was ordained as a Minister (online) and was freed of a relationship that no longer worked for us.

In January 2013, I committed myself to writing a book; connected with or heard from 5 out of 6 of my primary partners from 1983 forward.🙂 Lovers and friends celebrated, sang and sent cards, poems, gifts and notes for my birthday. A long-time primary relationship has shifted, lovingly, over the past few days just as I was shifting to a new opening.

I opened, and very exciting, interesting and loving people are flowing in, or through, only time will tell. – Even with my struggles, I’m more open, and loving and at peace this January since maybe I was 4, 6 or 9(?).

I get lonely sometimes; it’s the life of adoptees who are denied access to sealed records. I worry that there will be no trace, no blood left of me after I’m gone. Even understanding we are all spirits, this feeling is an accepted part of my experience. So, I embrace my friends and work at staying loving and at service, at most times. I fail, fall and get back up and try again. I’m so, so very inspired by many of you, both our youth & seniors and everyone In-between. Thanks for wanting to be here. Can you even believe what FB has made possible? Amazing!

I’m grateful for you for living your Higher/Goddess/God/Spirit self, Every Day! We are making such a huge impact. I love you so much, without knowing you, and especially those I do and, even those I may not like🙂

Don’t forget to tell them you love them today, even if they don’t love you back, this is part of taking care of you – living authentically.

We’re spirits on a journey together and I’m glad you are here.

I hope your Tuesday was Happy!!

Love, Coach Fresh!! – P.S. There are some cool shots in this original recording of Patti Labelle singing, “You Are My Friend” – Unlike the song, of course I’ve always known it.🙂

Tomorrow I turn 50!! Like the BIG 50!! Me!!! I am so incredibly, down to my heart bones, happy!!

It took me to getting here, to get back to the open-hearted, risk taking, all-loving, fun and sometimes funny kid who is ME; bigger, wiser and even more loving with renewed desires for naps! Continue reading →

This is the message I want to absorb and share for 2013 – Every thing we desire is waiting for us. Your dreams are calling you! Love is everywhere we choose to see it. Life is our gift to express our way. Thank you David Whyte and all the other teachers and healers, including you, on my path. Happy 2013!

EVERYTHING IS WAITING FOR YOU

Your great mistake is to act the dramaas if you were alone. As if lifewere a progressive and cunning crimewith no witness to the tiny hiddentransgressions. To feel abandoned is to denythe intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,even you, at times, have felt the grand array;the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowdingout your solo voice. You must notethe way the soap dish enables you,or the window latch grants you freedom.Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.The stairs are your mentor of thingsto come, the doors have always been thereto frighten you and invite you,and the tiny speaker in the phoneis your dream-ladder to divinity.

Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease intothe conversation. The kettle is singing even as it pours you a drink, the cooking potshave left their arrogant aloofness andseen the good in you at last. All the birdsand creatures of the world are unutterablythemselves. Everything is waiting for you.

Over the last two weeks two men in my community have passed. One of those men, Mike McCloud, was a co-worker of mine and died as a result of a car accident. I had only been working with Mike for about 3 months, and when he passed three thoughts came to my mind… Continue reading →