Parents, What Expectations Are We Setting for the Holidays?

Three words—uttered by kids—often represent the most dreaded scenario for parents on Christmas morning.

“Is that it?” As in, “Are there really no more presents? This is all I get this year?”

Nobody wants their child to be disappointed on Christmas morning. It is supposed to be a magical day with endless smiles and play. But instead, too often, it ends in disappointment—disappointment for the child as they didn’t get all they wanted and disappointment for the parent as a result.

As parents, we react in different ways. We point out how many gifts they already opened. We promise additional gifts at grandma’s house. Quietly, we wonder how many more presents we needed to buy to make them happy.

And unfortunately, too often, we put the blame on the wrong person—them.

I don’t think anybody means any harm in the words they use with their kids leading up to the holiday season. They are common phrases—holiday classics. The words seem to roll off our parental tongues naturally—sometimes we even think they serve a higher purpose.

When our child misbehaves, we remind them Santa only brings presents to nice boys and girls.

When toys are advertised on TV or in stores and our child expresses interest, we tell them they should put it on their Christmas list.

We count for them how many times this season they will get to open presents: once at our house, Christmas morning at grandma’s house, Christmas evening at the other grandparents’.

We help them write letters to Santa and visit him at the mall so our kids can ask for anything they want. And then, we go back home and hang his likeness all over the house pointing to the promise of Christmas morning.

We hang stockings from our fireplace weeks before the event in anticipation of them being filled.

Even up until the night before, we promise our kids if they go to bed on-time, Santa will be sure to visit overnight with his bag of gifts specifically built for them.

Now, I should be clear, I am not saying there is no room in the Christmas season for tradition and fun and expectation.

But what I am beginning to wonder is, “Are we as parents setting ourselves up for failure? Are we inadvertantly focusing our child’s attention so much on the gifts under the tree, we couldn’t possibly live up to the expectation? Are we the ones to blame?”

A few weeks back, I was conducting an interview for a national magazine. The interviewer asked how we handled the holidays. I responded:

“We have made an intentional decision to still give our kids Christmas presents and their grandparents do the same. We see gift-giving as an appropriate expression of love. From us, our kids receive one thing they want, one thing they need, and one experience to share with the family.”

The journalist’s follow-up question was one I hadn’t heard before. She asked, “Do you find that your kids are disappointed on Christmas morning?”

I had to think before I answered because I wanted to be honest. Eventually, I answered her question, “No. I don’t think they are disappointed on Christmas morning. Maybe they were a little bit the first time, but now they have come to expect it.”

We are very open with our kids about our approach to Christmas and how many gifts they will receive. They know what to expect before the morning even arrives.

Conversely, when we exchange gifts with our extended family, disappointment actually has a better opportunity to arise. There is great anticipation. Nobody knows how many gifts are going to be unwrapped or how much money was spent… but you can almost always bet, in the kids’ mind, there will not be enough.

This holiday season, let’s be intentional about the expectations we set for our kids. Talk less about the gifts under the tree. And talk more about family and friends and faith. Promise fun with the cousins and the joy of being together with family. If you have decided to cut back on holiday gifts this year, tell your kids why—before you sit down around the tree.

Set healthy expectations. Maybe we can avoid holiday disappointment. Even better, maybe we can bring the focus of Christmas back to where it belongs.

About Joshua Becker

Writer. Inspiring others to live more by owning less.WSJ Bestselling author of The More of Less.

Comments

What an excellent point about managing expectations. Last night as my son wrote a second letter to Santa asking for a toy that I would not want him to have, I started thinking about how I can let him know without ruining the secret that he is NOT going to get that toy.

This happened to me once as a child. My mom wrote a letter as Santa explaining, very simply that Santa did not think that toy was appropriate. It was written very simply and I truly believed Santa had personally written me a letter. It was not until I was older that I figured it out! :)

This happened to us a few years ago. We just told them (and still do) that sometimes Santa feels there is something that is a better fit or option and that ultimately it is up to him…he will always bring what he thinks will be best for them.

My son is just 2 1/2 years old, but we’ve decided we wouldn’t entertain the Santa Claus myth for him: the plan is to encourage him to make a wishlist when he’s a bit older (for now, we make the list ourselves based on wishes he’s expressed or toys that we feel he’d be interested in) but he will know that some of the gifts he does receive are from his parents, others from his aunt and uncle, others still from his grandparents.

We will talk about Santa Claus (actually, Le Père Noël, since we’re French!) as we do about other imaginary characters in books, telling stories about them and how wonderful they are, without needing to explicitly say whether or not they actually exist.

I feel much more comfortable about this stance, because it is then easier to make him understand that, just like for his birthday, he can’t have a million different gifts, but a few well-chosen ones that have been picked out with love by the people who love him. Plus, I’d like him to learn to express gratitude for those gifts to the people who actually got them for him!

I love this approach. Why lie to the children in the first place. Let them know he’s a magical character and they won’t get everything they want for Christmas. It’s really not a good idea to lie and then wonder why children are disappointed. Expectation always disappoints at all ages.

I take the same approach with my kids, Camille. They are now 6 and almost 4. Last year the then-5 year old explicitly asked if Santa is real. I explained that he isn’t, but it is still a really fun story and a great reminder of how wonderful it is to give gifts of love to our friends and family. They still haven’t realized that some kids think he is real. Christmas is still magical because of the tree, lights, stockings, roasting fires, special dinners, fun movies, etc. They don’t need Santa for that. :)

I agree with this and chose this approach, as well, with my children. I told them that Santa is “fun” and “jovial” and “exciting to pretend”…but he’s only pretend. I am VERY good at creating magic for the kids this time of year, I think I over-compensate bc I can’t fall back on Santa talk…which makes it magical for all of us. I didn’t want to “do” Santa and feel like I was deceiving the kids…when I was a child and I found out about Santa not being real, I asked my dad why I should believe God is real…I can’t see Him, either. Really made me think about it as an adult for my kids.

What a wonderful reminder to, as parents, set appropriate gift expectations for our children. If we are not intentional and proactive to provide an alternative perspective our culture will set these expectations for them.

My sister has four boys and this really hits home for me — I always feel so pressured to give them a lot. This year is different and I’m a bit worried. Thanks for sharing — I’m sure they’ll be thankful for what they get.

A couple of years ago we started doing a Christmas Bucket List. My son gets to pick 10 things to DO during the Christmas season. He still gets a few gifts, but we focus more on doing than getting. It’s worked great for us.

That’s a fantastic idea, nothing better than spending quality time with family & friends . Memories last a life time , toys & material things can break and you tired or out grow , but memories last forever !!!

Thank you so much for this reminder about how to approach gift giving. Our family is Catholic and we try to approach the holiday from that point of view. Our traditions are centered around our faith. We practice the season of Advent and talk about how it is a season of waiting. We do talk about Saint Nicholas instead of Santa Claus and celebrate his feast day by giving them chocolate coins in their shoes and reading a story about his life. As far as Christmas, we wait to put up the tree. We also give them three gifts (like the wise men). A gift of “gold” (a want), a gift of “myrrh” (a need), and frankincense (something for the mind like books or educational games).

I purposefully left that vague to spark reader’s own imaginations. But if you don’t tell anybody… for the last two years, we have bought a gift certificate to their favorite restaurant with high enough balance to treat the whole family. They can choose any evening to take out the family. Our only rule is, “dinner can’t already be in the oven.”

Great piece, Joshua. This is one of the most difficult time for us as a nuclear family, as I feel strongly about NOT giving the kids too many gifts and my husband want them to feel the “magic” of Christmas (read gifts).

Over time, we have moved towards not too many gifts, but still more than I like.

This is a good reminder to be aware of our language and behavior through out the year.

I think the “magic” of Christmas can be just as wonderful if you emphasize the tree and other decorations, the lights, the music, the bustle and (mostly) cheerfulness of other people, the special foods, the family get-togethers, the surprises that each family member can create for each other (whether that means a few gifts, or just doing something nice for the other — like taking out the garbage for your brother before he gets a chance to do it — SURPRISE!). Gifts are only a very small part of “Christmas magic.”

I have struggled this year with getting rid of old toys and not encouraging my children by asking “what they want for Christmas”? I feel so put off by the Christmas our society has created but by reading several of your post tried to put it in perspective. I know I will get gifts for my children and one of my favorite rules is they get 3 things from Santa…. If three things were brought to the baby Jesus then 3 things are good enough for my children! Merry Christmas and thanks for your always inspiring post/blogs!

My daughter made a good point, she said she’d rather get one nice thing, than lots of junk. I agree. As for the little ones—I always taught them to say “thank you”…no matter what, so they wouldn’t hurt peoples feelings ( even if they didn’t like it or already had it. ) I already told my granddaughter that I got her 5 things. So she knows what to expect. She’d be happy with less…it’s me who made the decision to buy so much. :)

We go by Santa fills the stocking and leaves a gift under the tree. There’s a gift from Mom under the tree, and a gift from Grandma under the tree. Later in the day, there will be one gift from the aunt/uncle who drew his name in the family exchange. We were able to switch to a family exchange a few years ago, because the kids were just being overwhelmed with stuff from every family member – too much! Each adult draws an adult name and a child name, so there are only 2 gifts to purchase, and they can be nicer things now. Win-win!

I love that you shift the anticipation from stuff to experiences– fun, family and celebrating the real gift of Christmas with simplicity and quietness. There is true joy there, and the sooner we experience that, the more quickly we’ll let go of material things.

This is my first Christmas season as a parent of a kid (and only grandchild) who is getting old enough to understand toys and gifts, and I am dreading it!!! We have decided that Santa only fills the stocking. Our daughter will get three gifts from us, and we have asked family members to please go easy on the gifts. My husband and I want the focus to be on spending time together, with family, and helping others…NOT on ripping open present after present….

Again a very nice post! Thank you. In Holland we celebrate st. Nicolaas. 5 December is the day that the good old men comes to the houses and brings everyone gifts.
We always give our childeren 3 presents. 1 want, 1 need. 1 funny as a joke.
The extended familie always wanted to do a round of gift giving also. I personaly find one night of giving is enough. The kids get overwelmed with al the stuf and tension. Now we introduced a little help for st Nicolaas, like an Elf on the shelf. It doesn’t check the kids on being nice, it checks on laughing and fun in the house. During night times it does funny things. the next morning the kids find it, reading a story to the legodummies or having a parade with the stuffed animals. So much fun! We take a picture and share it on facebook… So do their nefews and nieces… and they can’t wait to see what happend in the other family. A new tradition that brings laughter and fun instead of another thing in our familie…

Thank you Joshua for this article. It is a very important topic for me because I always dreaded the consumption season with Christmas. I have little means, and this helped me to remain modest with the gifts. My daughter gets one gifts I know she really wants from Santa, one small and fun gift from me (mom) and a few small things like socks or other clothes (things she needs). I feel that giving gifts of things she needs (like clothing) teaches her the value of things (I hope) and understand that even though it is necessary, it is still a gift and a choice for us to give her the pleasure of nice new clothes. I will add the gift of one activity to share, which we have already started doing for birthdays with friends (adults or children) considering how much going out is becoming expensive. Thank you for all your articles. Very useful because you always put things back into perspective and to value people, things and objects.

Phil, that’s lovely if Santa has never been part of the equation, but I think Joshua is talking about families that have already had Santa and have gone from a more commercial lifestyle to a minimalist lifestyle. When I read this entry my first reaction that if a kid of mine every expressed dissatisfaction he or she would get a very real conversation. But my kids are grown and my kids are better behaved than that — my nieces and nephews are not however. They have expressed dissatisfaction with their gifts to my face. My kids always gave away a gift at Christmas, a gift they liked to someone less fortunate. To this day my kids are grateful, wonderful, sharing and caring human beings and I am very proud of them — my husband and I are so grateful the kids survived all of our mistakes!

I lost my desire for receiving gifts around 19 or 20. My parents spoiled me and my sister growing up, and even a young adult they would ask me what I wanted for Christmas. I said nothing, I don’t want anything. I insisted on receiving nothing, but nonetheless the goodies would amass in the stocking and under the tree.

I think it’s very important for a parent to make their children feel valued, and that giving gifts is very important. But I think the gift of doing something/activities is so much more rewarding than receiving toys and material goods. I also think it’s important that this type of giving happens at an early age, or else the children will feel entitled to asking for all the latest and greatest toys and video games.

What a burden it must be to raise children in this materialistic world, yet I suppose supremely rewarding to instill non-materialistic values into your young minds. I

Heather, Your family’s Christmas and Advent sounds a lot like our family’s. I find that the deeper our spiritual life grows (through things like a proper and holy Advent season) the less focus is on the materials aspects of the holiday. I’ve had kids disappointed at their presents (interestingly, usually in the years that were more abundant with gifts than less) but it’s the years that we’ve been best about focusing on the Holy Family and the true gift of God taking on our flesh and humanity for our sakes, that have been the most fulfilling. A Blessed Advent!

Loved this post. And there is so much value in simplifying so the real reason of Christmas can shine through. And I loved your point. We will always have this spot in us that is unsatisfied. Knowing what to expect is so helpful in warding off unnecessary disappointment.

I am not a parent but if I was one I would agree with just about everything you said.

I really love the idea of telling them exactly how many they will open. It sort of gives them an organized way of looking at Christmas and will help them be more mature in the future.

If anyone here wants to join a community of other minimalists or wants to help people just starting, take a look at my forum discussion. We’re a small group of people all interested in discussing and helping with minimal idealistic lifestyles.

An important value we should instill in our children is gratitude. If gratitude is not at the center of giving and receiving gifts, then it will turn into something wholly negative.

Excess breeds disappointment.

The more gifts you pile on, the more you open yourself to that disappointment.

There is a reason for the season, and whether you are religious or not, American consumerism and excess does not hold the number one or number two spot for the holiday. Make it about your faith and your family or your family and friends, but not about buying unnecessary crap and adding to your mountain of credit card debt.

The first year I spent Christmas with the English family I was flabbergasted. My sister-in-law had only the one child (she has three now) and the credit crisis had not happened yet.

There was a mountain of gifts stretching a metre wide and coming up to my hip. There was only the one 3-year old child, and there were a total of 5 adults including us. Since I was foreign, my part was the smallest, both giving and receiving.

Then the moment came, and the gifts were being torn, ripped, looked at determine what it was and on to the next one. There were gifts from the American part of the family, which had been sent in by mail order comany. Endlessly this was going on.

The 3-year old was the parcel-fairy (don’t know the English term, so I’m making it up) which meant she was told to give the gifts to this and that person. She was running wild with all the attention and ‘duty’ she was performing.

Honestly, I felt sorry for her, even though she was put in the star-shining role. Imagine all the pressure on her, to please everyone who was putting her centre stage of such a frenetic consumerist event.

Then it was over, because all presents had been opened in record time.

Paper was cleared away, and that was is. I didn’t feel like I had experienced the event that all American and English Christmas movies talk about.

Then there was food. Lots of it. It was eaten like any other meal, except that it had taken longer to create it. Then there was a special cake.

I don’t eat cake, but the care with which the cake was admired for its creative christmas theme was the first point where I felt any sence of holiday I was looking for. It was admired, the sister in law was complimented, child was stowed on grandparent’s lap and it was cut and eaten in calm and cozy feeling of joy. That was the best part, even though I don’t eat cake, as I don’t eat sugar.

In the Netherlands there is another fest with presents, and it is done through the sense of respecting that someone had selected something carefully for you. Everyone pays attention when that person unwraps the gift, and we all go ahh over it as it is passed around to show that this was indeed an appropriate or fun gift for that person. The less money spent, the more care there is given that both giver and given person get attention and are cheered. Poems and creative pretty or funny packaging is often part of the deal, which is traditionally made from scraps and take nothing but time and a bit of glue.

It took me a good few years to learn about the English form of gift-giving, and that is about the gift itself. Not about the act of giving. And certainly not about the act of receiving. It’s a set up for rampant consumerism, if the gift is truly what it’s all about. Then as society becomes more wealthy, the gifts have to become my expensive.

I have learned a lot. Now after about 6 Chrismasses, I have finally found a non-thing gift to give our family-in-law. Access to a nearby play park, turned out to be the thing that would give them joy all year.

It’s a step in the right direction. I hope the children will learn – regardless of the indoctrination of earlier years – that experiences are much more lasting than yet another toy.

This sounds just like my husband’s family. It was heavy going to be part of so much excess for me, since I was an only child and much of my childhood Christmas was church-oriented all through Advent. The knee deep in gifts I can top you on. One year that gift pile almost hit the top of the tree! And the ripping and tossing and disrespect of the time and effort that went into the gifts. Ugh. I can so relate to the Parcel Fairy. That poor child wanted to be the star of the show, but it was a frenzied position! Maybe some day I can look back on all of it and laugh. The high octane sugary food, the over consumption of alcohol, the too hot house with so many people in it. Not laughing yet.

I’m not laughing yet either.
I’m aware now that we can change it, slowly and bit by bit. It takes thought and awareness, and a clear goal.
Mine is to put the emphasis back on love, experience, togetherness. And to make clear that a thing is only a thing, but time spent with loved ones is forever a memory to enjoy.

My kids are too little (a two year old and a 12 week old) to worry about how much they’ll receive. My husband and I will decide when we get to that point, but they will never get anything we can’t afford. In the meantime my personal excitement is centered around decorating, baking, making gingerbread houses, the music, and so on. That is what I’ve taken from my childhood experiences. I don’t think about the gifts I did and didn’t receive. Of course I LIKED getting those things at that time, but my best holiday memories are all about the things mentioned above. I hope that my enthusiasm for the first and minimizing the gifts will point our children’s attention towards that part of the holidays. Absolutely the day will come when the comparisons begin and so on, but I hope to set an underlying foundation started by my grandmother in the meantime, even if they don’t really appreciate it until they have children of their own. And I really appreciate my mother’s success in making the weeks leading up to Christmas at least if not more fun than th day itself.

Hi, Wendy! I make a really big deal about all of those experiences as well. My daughters are now almost 4 and 6. They don’t believe in Santa (they know and love the story, but it is just a story to them like any other fun fairy tale). We spend decorating our home, listening to ridiculously loud Christmas music, making tons of inexpensive but fun arts and crafts, etc. Even my 3 year old has memories of us doing those things last year. They forget toys. They don’t forget experiences.

My mother always managed to do that too. She would buy materials for my brother, sister and I to make some ornaments for the tree, and then we’d help to decorate it. We worked on making a gingerbread house together (one year we even did several small ones and made a gingerbread town). She had us help to address the family Christmas cards, and we took turns reading the Christmas cards we received to each other. We were always part of the Sunday school Christmas program at church, so we would work on our costumes together and sing the music at home in anticipation of that. We helped my dad put up the outside Christmas lights. I’ll never forget the first year my mom let me make her traditional thumbprint cookies that we were giving as gifts to our teachers. All of these activities were part of the fun of Christmas, not just a few minutes opening presents on Christmas morning. And all of these things were to benefit other people as well, not just to indulge ourselves. We learned that part of the “magic” of Christmas is making a special celebration for other people. It was the focus of the whole month of December for us, so Christmas was never just about getting gifts.

What a fantastic article! So many studies have shown that happiness in life is dependent more on the expectations we have (and whether our life is meeting those expectations) rather than on the life we actually live. This is a good lesson for children and adults alike.

Great article! I almost want to pass this onto my grandson’s mom, but I don’t know how it would be taken. The Christmas gifts that are given to grandson and his little sister is overhwelming! A huge pile of toys. He’s 3, and she’s 2, and their play room looks like a mini toy store! I can’t imagine what else is left for them to have. When I saw it I wanted to say “Don’t complain when there’s no money for college because its all here!: But I held my tongue. Since I live out of town I send money, but I wonder if I should specify it to be used for something other than toys? Would that be tacky?

Pat, If you want to make sure money is directed for what it is intended (set aside for college), you might consider setting up a 529 account for the children. You can generally set up (and control) the account, and authorize appropriate future distributions. All you need is the child’s social security number. It’s also possible to change the beneficiary later (for example, kid 1 decides not to go to college, but kid 2 does). If I remember correctly, the minimum amount to set up an account (with Vanguard at least) isn’t totally unreasonable. This might be a good alternative to consider. I also recently read about a gift card that is used for the purchase of shares of stock, in denominations starting around $25. I don’t remember where I read about it, but I’m sure a quick google search would turn it up. Several years ago one set of grandparents shifted gift giving to one gift and a deposit to college funds. The deposit slips are put in the kids’ stockings.

Love this article!
This year is exciting for me since I finally have my husband on board with a simple yet meaningful Christmas. Each of our 5 kids gets a few presents (2-3). Then during the month the of Dec I plan an activity a day as our way to countdown to christmas. I do simple fun things like grow your own candy cane, christmas science experiments, movie night, etc. I just make sure to put my own spin on it, to make it our own. And I don’t tell the kids what we do ahead of time, they have to wait till they get home from school.
To make it even more memorable during each activity I take 1 photo to represent what we are doing and put it into our special album that we make on day 1. Each day we put the previous nights photo in our album before we start our new activity. By the end we have an album full of memories that we created together. This for me is the best gift I could ever have.

Slightly off-topic as this pertains to adults more than kiddos, but I’m hearin SO much these days about “needing to find a gift under $X for a gift exchange” at work, with family, that one’s book club or bowling team or sailing buddies have. Ugh! The lamentations are serious, “I never know what to buy” and “there’s both men and women in the exchange do it’s especially hard to find something” and “”I’m obviously going to spend way more than our limit of $X but I don’t care, I want to get something nice” and (my favorite, from the narcissist) “I want to bring the one thing everyone fights over.”

A column on this, dear Joshua? Please?

I simply don’t participate in these blind exchanges. The fun-to-stress ratio is too far out of whack for me. And I’ve only ever really treasured one gift I received in such an exchange. It was a piece of old technology that is close to a museum piece now, from a prof in my college at a dept party YEARS ago.

I don’t participate in these either, they are such a terrible example of buying a gift for someone simply because they are buying for you. At offices I always suggest we simply go out for lunch instead and most people prefer that.

we are Jewish and so we celebrate Chanukah which means an expected 8 nights of gift giving. One year we decided that instead of gifts each night we would choose themes: family fun night, favorite meal night, movie night. It was my kid’s favorite Chanukah (after several years of getting gifts most nights). We have continued with that tradition.

I remember the disappointment as a child when I found out Santa didn’t exist. I want my 6 and 3 yr olds to believe in Santa as long as possible. The magic of Xmas is what makes it so special for children. And for me Santa is part of that.

My children attend a Catholic school and we talk lots about the true meaning of Xmas.

I do explain that Santa has to deliver presents to children all over the world so his sleigh can only carry so many
presents for each child. I don’t want Xmas to be about how many presents they receive.

I think you can make it exciting for other more important reasons like family, faith and Santa!

Thank you for this post. I really like the ‘one gift you want, one you need and a family experience’ idea. We had decided on minimal gifts for our three children this year and we were doing ok until this past week. By fluke we had more gifts for our son then for our two girls! What to do, what to do? …Well we can just get more for the girls. The pressure, the guilt, the expectations and the comparisons of the gift giving season were starting to rise in our minds. But thankfully I read your post and reevaluated what we are doing this year. Now, the extra gifts are going to be kept back, they can wait for birthdays next year. Instead of getting cooped up in the house all Christmas day we are going to church and then hit the local outdoor rink for skating. All the best, Merry Christmas and thanks again!

When I have children I hope to continue Christmas in the tradition of my father’s side of the family. On Christmas mornings there were usually 4 children (including me) and 8 or 9 adults. Everyone, including us kids, got a present for everyone else who would be there (though the adults would buy and help with gift ideas…”Well sweetie, Uncle Carl doesn’t like Nintendo games as much as you, but remember how he likes to play tennis…?”) This taught us enjoy the spirit of giving as well as receiving, which I think is becoming lost in the pressure to “give kids things” for Christmas. Santa also visited and gave each child an additional 2 or 3 gifts, but it was in moderation (and not the toy factory explosions that occurred on my mother’s side of the family who characterized the phrase “Keeping up with the Joneses”). Another tradition we had was choosing one of the kids to hand out presents, which was a privilege we all fought over because the present-hander-outer was compensated with a chocolate chip cookie. When I got older I realized the real motivation for this was to prevent a greedy free-for-all of kids diving under the Christmas tree. It was also cute because we (or maybe just me ; ) would get really excited whenever someone got a present that I had picked out for them. Those are the Christmas mornings I liked the best, with lots of conversation and family and warmth.

Look at all the comments! This topic is really sparking dialogue, Joshua. Fun stuff. When our son was small, we did a big event. When he was 4 we took him to The Nutcracker Ballet and sat in the first row of the balcony so he could take it all in. When we got back to the car, he opened a nicely wrapped gift of a lovely nutcracker soldier with moving parts and hair. We still have that nutcracker and put it out on display every year. One year we were snowed in at a lodge on Lake Michigan and we cut down our own tree, made our own ornaments, and cuddled by the fire. We brought realistic puppets as gifts that year which he loved and as an adult he still remembers what a magical Christmas that was. When he was 15, we spent Christmas on an island in the Bahamas. Maybe getting away from the norm is the key. Memories of good family times is the goal. Memories that will last a lifetime.

This is a question of etiquette. As gift recipients children can be taught to express gratitude to all gifts genuinely given. My mother would give all her granddaughters (and daughters) the same gift even though they all didn’t have the same taste or style; but she never knew my daughter didn’t love her gifts. My daughter never even returned them, she passed them on brand new. Why hurt her grandmother’s feelings? Being a graceful receiver is also important, especially with certain family members as Joshua points out in one of his bi-weekly newsletter articles.

Joshua’s custom of 3 gifts reminded me of our own family ‘s tradition. When our children were young we gave them 3 gifts:
1. piece of clothing,
2, gift to grow on (a book or other educational item)
3. heart’s desire
In regard to Santa, we let them believe but never directly referenced Santa. (They easily picked up the concept of Santa from friends and the culture.) So, we didn’t take them for a photo with Santa or played the “Santa card” in terms of being good. We simply said that at Christmas time, we are so happy that Jesus was born into our world that people want to make each other happy by giving gifts. Eventually they asked whether there really was a Santa Claus and we answered their question honestly. (For other things I’ve written about the Advent/Christmas season, see http://susanvogt.net/EnrichmentEx.htm)

Thank you for this article, this is something our family struggles with each year and are working on improving. I started reading your blog and enjoy truly appreciate it, only wish I had found you sooner. Our children are 7 & 9 and I agree that we set the expectations for them; the parents especially, but also other family members, and of course exposure to our consumer-driven society. It would definitely be easier to keep expectations lower, had we started out that way but I believe it is a challenge worth working toward. For my family, I really do want the focus to be more on experiences than things. Side note, as some others have mentioned: When they request something we are either not ready for them to have or would rather that they don’t get, we explained that Santa would not bring a child a toy that the parents did not approve of. Don’t get me wrong, my girls’ “wish lists” are pretty long, but they understand that (in our house) Santa brings them a few presents and that they will receive presents from us and a few other family members, but that they should not expect to receive everything that they wish for. Even just letting them know that not every present comes from Santa (we let them know that a few years back) is a big help. Teaching gratitude is more challenging, in my experience anyway, when they receive so much too.

i’ve drug my extended family down the minimal road around christmas giving for the last five years (when my husband & i first looked around & saw discontent children who never remembered a single gift + another year of endless packaging & expectations to end in more discontent.). this is not working, we said. at first when i asked for experiences & not SO. MUCH. STUFF., my (then) 3 kids received all kinds of packages, & THEN a zoo pass. what? so we repeated ourselves. eventually, with the vast purging we’ve done (& i wonder what the thought process is when the givers don’t see every.single.thing still in our house. how could they be? we’d be DROWNING.), we’re finally, after 5 years, making some headway. & honestly, with so little in the house & the kids so routinely “plus one-ing” their things (we keep a running total. we’re over 8,000 as of january 1.), it’s not a big deal to add a few things. they’ll most likely find a happier home elsewhere in a month or two. (the gifts, not the kids.) ;)

& what did the kids ask for from us this year? a trip to the mall of america to pick out one gift each, because “then it’s a fun experience & not just a present”. amen & amen. we don’t have it all figured out, but at least we finally got going in the right direction.

My parents had one Christmas Present “Philosophy” for my brother and I growing up…”Something to wear, something to eat, something to read and something to play with.” It has never steered either of us wrong, or made us disappointed on Christmas morning of years past and when the time comes for my family, my children will enjoy that same philosophy! Well done Mum and Dad/Santa…you got it right! (The only thing I’d add to that myself now, being a grown woman of 30…is a small, self-donation to a charity in need).

I met one grandma who told me, at her house Christmas was a family time of potluck and games, no gifts, not even for kids. The lady said the tradition started with a specific financial goal, for the whole family to help one of their own in crisis.
Now every year the family makes a lovely donation to their favorite charity, while enjoying a relaxing family game day. I love that story,
It has helped me to refocus, and make Christmas and all family get togethers about simple favorite recipes, and games. We do still have gifts/games.

Refreshing, refreshing, refreshing…I know I don’t need to say more…but I will. Meaningful and insightful, but also down-to-earth enough that I felt supported as a parent rather than chastised. Thank you!

In the old days, yes, children wait patiently for Christmas to arrive to make a wishlist and get special treats. However, most children these days from an average middle class family get what they want whenever they want anyway throughout the year whether it’s tablets, smartphones, new toys, new clothes, you name it. Sometimes they say it’s a necessity, other times it’s just parents feeling the pressure to please their children. I really don’t see the point of giving children any ‘extra’ material things on Christmas day. It should all be about family, food, and fun just being together in the first place, not presents.

Even better, if you think that your children have more than enough already, perhaps teach them to ‘give’. This Christmas. Ask your children to nominate a toy or clothes from their stash and donate them to other kids who are a lot less fortunate. Making cookies or Christmas goodies and dropping them off at homeless shelters or orphanages could be a fun activity than going Christmas shopping at Toys R’Us. But these ideas might be too far-fetched. I think parents will be lucky enough if they can get kids to stop staring at their phones or tablets while at family gatherings this year :)

I find there is a balanced approach to Christmas and honestly it’s ok for Christmas to be a special time where kids get some nice gifts. For me it’s the rest of the year that matters more, don’t buy them everything they want throughout the year; rather make Christmas a special time where they get spoiled a little and get to enjoy some family time.

Regarding gifts, we discourage our kids from being greedy (only can ask Santa for 1 thing) and we tend to favour a few quality gifts over quantity. This is all about setting expectations, if they ask for a big gift (7 year old asked for an iPod) they should not expect to get much more. For gifts from extended family, we do not exchange gifts beyond the grandparents and a couple of close friends and even then we encourage experiences like horse riding lessons, taking them to a movie or say bowling (what kids doesn’t love to bowl right?).

Regarding their old stuff, Christmas is my favourite time to purge. I like to get my kids involved in choosing some stuff to give away so that they can make room for new stuff. This helps teach them about giving to others, yet that it’s also ok to have things that are special to them. It helps keep the house organized.

The expectations we set is that Christmas is fun, yes you will get some cool gifts that you won’t get any other time of year and that’s ok, some of those will be experiences with others and you need to donate some of things you don’t play with anymore to others in need.

Great post, and great comments too! I’ve found I have a lack of enthusiasm for the holidays this year, and am trying to get to the root of why (materialism is key, I think). So I’m taking steps to be more intentional and not just blindly doing everything as I’ve always done.http://thispeacefulhome.com/2014/12/10/christmas-attitude/

Give them an idea of what you would like your child to have and tell them the excess will go to “Toys for Tots” or a similar charity.
And follow through if they give too much. We had a problem with an uncle and aunt who clearly favored one of our children, he got a gift worth over $100, the others got gifts that cost about $1. We had our son return the $100 gift, and he had to share some of the money with his sibs and give away the rest.

I agree with Judy – a warm thank you. I don’t know your family’s circumstances, but many times it gives grandparents great joy to be able to see so many gifts under the tree and the awe and excitement of the child, especially if the grandparents did not have that experience in their own childhoods. That might be the gift you give *them* (silently) on Christmas Day. When our children were small, the number of gifts was overwhelming so we’d leave out 2 or 3 to enjoy immediately, and then we’d put the rest up and pull them out slowly throughout the year. When the grandparents came for dinner in say March, the children were beyond thrilled to ask their grandparents to play with them and their fun new toys (as opposed to those toys being in the bottom of the fifth toy bin in the back corner of whatever room, long ago forgotten).

I’ve been raised in a family where the list on Santa’s letter will be reviewed by Santa himself and he chooses one gift from the list to bring to us. I truly believe that as the kids grow older and they can write as much as they want, their list will go on and on; thus, creating an endless shopping list and a huge financial hit because the parents taught their kids Santa will bring everything (or almost everything) on the list.

We are Jewish. My kids were told early on not to tell their Christian friends there was no Santa Claus, so we had a lot of gifts hidden in our basement. For Chanukah, they each got small “stocking stuffer” type gifts. A new box of crayons, new socks, a book ,etc.each night. And then the grandparents bought each child one gift. One year, I made my daughter some doll clothes for her second hand Barbies and she was fine with that.
I am troubled by the thought that some parents go into debt buying gifts for Christmas but I can’t change that.