House of Horror: Cops, Jailbait Tweens, and a Few Scares

​America can be counted on for many things, and one of them is increasing the timeline of acceptability to honor a holiday. Which is why House of Horror officially opened its black gates last night when it was still September. It's all about the holiday spirit, folks. And the holiday spirit is expressed in currency and deep-fried everything. Have you ever had a deep-fried thing... deep-fried? Well, get your silly ass to Doral's answer to a question literally no one has asked!

House of Horror is a pretty fun time, let's get that out of the way. It's like a low-budget Santa's Enchanted Forest. And as you know, Santa's Enchanted Forest has the budget of a middle-class white teenage girl, so make of that what you will.

But what's it all about? Is it worth spending the $23 to chill in a mall parking lot while a dude in a ghoul costume seamlessly switches between doing the Dougie and scaring your daughter into celibacy? Yeah, dude, it is.

As an amusement park, you can find the typical carnival fare:

fattening food, scummy games, and gross negligence of mechanical

equipment. If you listen closely, you can actually hear the lawsuit

paperwork being typed by a paralegal as one of the many

spin-until-I-shit-myself rides breaks down and kills four innocent

junior high school kids doing what junior high school kids do. Playing

pogs, or whatever. Kids still do that, right?

That's the next thing you

notice -- all the little tweens engaging in PDA and dressing like women.

Seriously, there's so much jailbait at House of Horror, they could film

two or three seasons of To Catch a Predator in a single night.

Obviously,

that sort of crowd is to be expected, and that's part of what makes it

fun. The rides are another attraction. There's a house of mirrors, kid's

fun house, bumper cars, and a slide. The rest of the stuff is prone to a

21-gun salute. Most of the rides are of the spinning variety, which

seems to be the popular choice amongst teens and moldable pottery clay.

Finally,

the haunted house, the centerpiece of the experience. Once inside,

you're queued up again briefly and separated into groups. You're led

into a small, dark room where an ominous voice cuts through the

darkness.

"Welcome to the House of Horror!" - You're excited.

"Prepare to shit yourself out of abject fear!" - You're anxious and ready.