How Far Should I Go?

Dear Rachel, Hey! So I have been having a huge problem with this guy I've known for about 3 or 4 years now. We became pretty good friends in 8th grade. Back then I had horrible anxiety problems, and could...

Dear Rachel, Hey! So I have been having a huge problem with this guy I've known for about 3 or 4 years now. We became pretty good friends in 8th grade. Back then I had horrible anxiety problems, and could... _Dear Rachel,

Hey! So I have been having a huge problem with this guy I've known for about 3 or 4 years now. We became pretty good friends in 8th grade. Back then I had horrible anxiety problems, and could never talk to him normal at school, only on the computer. He was okay with this and kind of understood. There were many times I thought we were going to get together and work through this issue, but that never happened, cause there was always another girl. Now whenever he was with these other girls, he would still talk to me, just about every night on AIM. And always told me he cared about me, and would always be there for me. Still nothing happened. I just dealt with this, and was just happy to be friends with him.

Fast forward 3 months, and he was single, and so was I. One weekend we were talking, and we became much closer, and lovey dovey IMing each other. It was such a great weekend. And then Monday rolled around and it was kind of awkward at school. only because I made it that way. That night he said he didn't want to continue to talk the way we were, because we needed to become closer friends before we dated. I understood this, but I continued to make things awkward, and started pushing him away and being mean. I cleared some of that up before 8th grade ended, but then he was going to a different high school, and we stopped talking.

I am in 10th grade now, and gonna be moving away to Seattle this summer. I started texting him a few months ago, and it's been really nice, because I no longer have those anxiety/awkwardness problems. We're pretty close I think as friends, cause he comes to me with his problems, sometimes about his gf. He might dump her soon, and kind of hints about seeing me when I come to town. But never straight out says this.

I am very much in love with him, always have been. I've tried being with other guys, but can only think about him, even when I'm kissing other guys. It's a huge problem, keeping me from moving on. I know me and him could never date because I don't live near him. I just want to see him when I come to town and have him be my 'first'. I know that's really personal, and up front, but I have this feeling it needs to be him, only him. I don't know if he would be down with that. I just need to know if he and I would have ever made it as a thing before I move all the way across country. Should I tell him I want to see him when I come to town, and have some fun? Or just keep texting him as a friend and nothing more?

-- JS_

Hey JS,

Wow, you've got some intense history with this guy. It sounds like the timing has never really been right for you two. I'm sorry it's causing you so much angst. Yuck.

I'm a little concerned about this because it seems like most of your intimacy with this guy is online. When you mention being face-to-face with him, you describe an awkward or angry situation. It's when you're texting or IM'ing that things are easy and loving.

You ask: should he be my first? My answer is actually the same one the guy gave you back in 8th grade: you need to be closer friends before taking that kind of step together. Becoming intimate with another person is a HUGE deal. You need to have lots of in-person experience with someone before you get physical. Going from digital desire to real-life desire is not an easy leap. Although I think you can really get to know someone in certain ways online, there is no substitute for how you connect and what you learn when you're sitting right next to someone.

And that's the other thing that worries me: you want to be intimate with him and then move to Seattle right afterwards? You write that you want to do it so you can see if you guys could have had couples potential. But physical intimacy with someone has very little to do with whether or not you'll make it in a committed relationship. There will be lots of people in your life that you'll be attracted to. And then they'll open their mouths.

The kind of intimacy that you need for your "first" is something you build over time. It's time that you invest in each other and with each other - in person. And intimacy is something you earn. That kind of real closeness involves trust, openness and getting through icky stuff like conflicts and disappointments.

I don't doubt that you love him. But don't rush to find someone to be your first. If you have to work this hard to make it happen, it's probably not right. When it is right, it'll all fall into place. I know it's hard to trust someone like me, but you gotta believe that I wouldn't be doing this job if I didn't know what I was talking about, or hadn't been there myself.

My advice is to enjoy this guy as a friend and let him go as you move on to your new life in Seattle. Believe in yourself - you will find that first when you're ready. You are amazing right now as you are.