John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

An awful lot of people would just as soon leap over the holiday months - too many remidners of people who are gone. (Published 1/5/2016)

Q:

My 15 year old niece, who was almost like one of my own, committed suicide on Easter this year. It has been a devastating time to say the least but we are plowing through. However, her 16th birthday is in two weeks and I am dreading it and not sure how to handle it with her parents (my sister and her husband). That is followed closely by Thanksgiving and Christmas. Her family is very close to ours and I simply do not know how to handle these upcoming events with such a devastating hole in our lives. Any advice?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Carol,

Thanks for your note and request for guidance.

Yes, an awful lot of people would just as soon leap over the holiday months and events [and birthdays and anniversaries] in the first year following the death of someone important to them.

That is not to say that time heals emotional wounds, just that trying to adapt to a painful loss is exacerbated by those events that typically involve a full table at a holiday dinner. The missing person is a profound and painful absence.

I was very much affected by such an event, as my mother died suddenly, the day before Thanksgiving, in 1993. Needless to say, Thanksgiving changed for me that year and to a certain degree since then.

But what I did that next year, was to stand up at the dinner and propose the first toast, even though it was not my at my home and I was not the host. Nevertheless, I felt compelled, with tears in my eyes, and a crack in my voice, to toast my mom and all the others who were missing for the other guests.

Interestingly enough, it sparked one of the great human events I’ve ever been part of. Everyone started sharing their memories of their loved [and not so loved] ones who had died, with tears and laughter. I know for me and by the report of the others, it was a connective life event for all.

Now I do it every year, and it never fails to create the kind of feelings we all want to have when we gather with others. It also ensures that we don’t forget those who have played important parts in our lives.

So, you’ll probably guess that I will recommend that you and your sister and brother-in-law, follow suit. You will probably need to go first.

Please don’t let the suicide aspect stop you. Regardless of how her life ended, and the fact that she may have struggled in her young life, you each had relationships with her, and bottling your thoughts and feelings up would not be helpful.

Be careful not to try to analyze the suicide or cause of it, because the point of talking is NOT to blame or look for the “signs” that may have been missed.