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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

But I'm confused....does this mean that people actually try on Target clothes before purchasing them not knowing who might have their stinky armpits...wa-hoos and rashes in the garmets before them??

and what is it about toilet paper when you are out and about town? You can see thru it...it is narrow and feels like adding machine tape (and not the good kind) and the dispenser cuts you off before you have enough paper to wipe a gnats ass.

I personally use "Charming"...and I do put a lesser quality of TP in bathrooms that are not designated for residents or guests...however that is simply an exercise in efficiency..."less time relaxin' and more time polishin' and waxing!"

Doesn't really matter. All I ever went in Target for were greeting cards but now I boycott Target because of their anti-equal rights political contributions.

Gay retail dollars spent last year were in the vicinity of $17 billion so we can definitely hit em where it hurts....their bottom line.

Everyone wants our money...but most don't want us to have the same rights as citizens that they enjoy....

I would equip their personal restrooms with the "public" toilet paper...

One more question...why do they call it toilet paper...its not for the toilet...its for your butt...so why not call it butt paper...

Now in my case...with my sometimes explosive diarrhea it could at times be called WALLPAPER....

Goldie Good to see you, too, ya big Snot! I hope your infection clears up soon with your super antibiotics. Hey, you didn't used to put pebbles up your nose as a kid, did you? I knew a woman who had lots of trouble with her sinuses and that's what they discovered up in a sinus cavity....a pebble!

Shirley, you didn't ask me either, but huz is not like that either... I am. I hate shopping, and he loves to browse for bargains. So now I just stay at home when he wants to go out to the Palm Springs consignment stores!

Bear Not a good time to be in a public restroom with those toilet paper rolls that are so tight they only let you get one square off at time. Did this happen the last time you were there, too? I wouldn't think their water would be much different than ours.

Michael Good question. Why do they call it toilet paper? Probably in the old days, there were only a couple of types of paper: the finer grade one being to write letters on, and the lesser grade or used paper to provide next to the chamber pot. I'm just guessing here.

J/L- lol@ big snot! And no, I did not put pebbles up my nose. I put them up my sisters nose.. :)

Tinka- I do have a gem. But like all gems he needed to be polished a little, and I must say I think I did a good job!

toilet paper could come for the phrase " do you have to toilet"? as opposed to "do you have to go to the bathroom".

Speaking of going to the toilet, I will never EVER forget the time my sis, Mom and I where getting on the Elevator at Marshall Fields on Michigan Ave. As the door opened and people got off, and everyone was standing waiting to get on, Inge Binga turns to me and say in a very loud voice. "DO you have to go potty before we leave?" I was 40 at the time!

I think Jack like the "high end" stores for the higher quality of "butt paper"...ijs

J/L...I think I remember the details about Shirley and Peggy. And I don't think that Shirley can GET far enough away from Peggys "cove"...iykwim!!

Whabbear...ur welcome and thank you for sharing your husbands shopping specifics....couples habits are always interesting because I don't think both are ever on the same wavelength...

My Father loved to shop which was totally out of character for him...always shopping for boats and cars and property...of course since he had to stop driving that has slowed him way down...and then his dying in September brought pretty much EVERYTHING to a halt...except the major aggravation he continues to cause my 2 sisters and I from the grave called his Last Will And Testament...

which should have been titled "And you just thought I was done making your lives miserable" (insert evil laugh here)

writing comes easily for me. I could spend an entire day writing about the day before...but no blog could ever begin to keep up with my real life and my thoughts....about everything....

I see..hear..and feel so much that not a days goes by that I don't run a full range of emotions from tears to laughter...frustration...you name it.

At times I feel that my personality is dictated by the amazing extremes I have experienced in my life. My life at the top and my life at the bottom. The last 4 decades have been filled with such incredible happiness and accomplishment but with those things have come almost unbearable horrors and loss...

So on the occasion that I seem to be too much. I am.

there is no way the life I have lived could possibly left me with all my faculties intact....

Good Afternoon friends.....SHIRLEY, I don't take my husband to the store with me as he rushes me too much. He doesn't take me either....I'm too slow for him.

Glad you are all (even MICHAEL) enjoying the blog. I thought it was funny and I hadn't seen it before the other day.

MICHAEL: My goodness...my blog sent you into a great dissertation on toilet paper and Target. Opps...guess I should have said "butt paper". Hmm , maybe ZONA will google it for us.

GOLDIE: What the heck does your doctor say about you being sick for so long? I hope you are feeling better than you were to begin with a few weeks ago. You do have a great husband and a smart football one too (especially since he l o v e s the Broncos). I had to laugh at your polishing the gem...isn't that the truth?

Morning TINA...I will tell you how lovely you are but you must know by now, right? Getting tired of having three kids around yet?

BEAR: I think I would be falling asleep in your meeting...especially if YOU even think it is boring. I would be looking out at those waves and snoring.

TINK: I would just let Jack shop where he wants and get you everything your heart desires. He sure sounds like he treats you like a Queen and I am so glad for you. How was Tia's bday party?

J/L: Aren't you getting ready to go to Idaho soon? When do you leave?

MICHAEL: You should (as Tink said) write some blogs as you for sure do have a way with words and thoughts. Sometimes you make me slap my knee laughing too. :)

Ok...IMPORTANT INFORMATION...... Who would think being retired and staying home that you still learn important things on a daily basis. I was busy watching Oprah yesterday and Dr OZ was on and he said , "for an overweight man, his penis enlarges one inch for every 35 pounds he loses." He did say there is a limit obviously. There was a very overweight young guy on there that saw that show long ago and lost tons of weight and his wife said it was true. So....there is the update health news for the day!! (not so stressful as the World news).

Michael - All I can say is there must be an awful lot going on in your brain at all times. Do you not get tired? I just woke from my nap and I can honestly say my brain is totallly empty. I can't think of one smart thing to say. But then I was brought up under the umbrella of a strict Catholic religion. There wasn't too much room for fantasy.

Bear~ was that ur explosive diarrhea that fell from the sky as u flew over Utah the other day? It was all over the news~

Shirl~ I have to be in the mood to shop with the hubby.....I normally go with the girl kid~ She fun~ Not as fun as bra shopping with my mom, but fun~

Goldie~ I'm sick and tired of you being sick! So I guess you might be too! :)~ Janice next to me has a cold....Delise on the other side of me has a sinus infection, Jeremy behind me is sneezing, and my girl kid has a cold! I DON'T WANT TO GET SICK!!!!

Miguelito~ I do believe that's the best post you've ever written! I do think tho that ur bed story is the best EVER!!!~ And I don't shop at Target either....not after I found out that they give money to abortion freaks~ :D

Tinka~ ur so darn cute urself~

J/L~ I swear.....you make me laugh every day~ And then I imagine you laughing....and I laugh more! I was telling Miguelito that you have THE best laugh EVER!!!~

Miguelito2~ I think that's sweet that ur daddy is keeping you company from the grave! AND as a bonus, it keeps you and ur sister's closer! :)~

Di~ the three kid thing hasn't been too bad.....yet~ I told them not to mess with me, and I'd let them wait on me hand and foot~

Bebbi~ I talked to a really nice man yesterday from UPS....some VP from Atlanta....in fact....he was in Louisville a couple of days ago! SO SO SO nice....we totally screwed him over....well....no we didn't, but someone was rude to him, so I smoothed everything over.....sweet talked him with my Dale Jarrett talk.....and he went away happy! I told him about you too~ :D

Tinka2~ that stuff going thru his head.....not so much fantasy....WHICH IS THE SCARY PART! :D

Dianne - I love being treated like a Queen. He feels so bad that he missed out on 20 years of the last 50 he is trying hard to make up for it. We got married the first time Jan. 8 and the second time exactly 6 months later July 8. We are going to celebrate both anniversaries so we have a chance of catching up to our "50th". Call us crazy I guess.

Tia's party went beautifully. Now I must put Tia on a diet as she is somewhat overweight.

Well it seems Peggy and her cove get around!! Shirley and Tinka!! I have always heard "things" about Canadian women...

glares at Shirley and Tina...

yes you Tina...how dare you dredge up yesterdays horrible complications on a day that has been basically problem free!! Ur trying to get me wound up all over again!! I despise the very mention of my Father or sisters!! ...and you know it!!

DI: These are the kinds of things my brother would have done when he was a teenager..they all sound just like him. I liked the 6th one..putting the Caution Wet Floor sign on the carpet..that just made me laugh!

I Googled Toilet paper..yep I did! Did you know there is a Toilet Paper Encyclopedia? I didn't either! According to them, the original meaning of the word toilet, or toilette, is the act of washing oneself. In recent years, the word has evolved to mean the plumbing fixture in the bathroom. So I guess that toilet paper means washing paper? Does that answer the question? I don't even think I know what the question was..lol..Butt I hope I get an A for research!! :D

TINA: Oh you know you love having all three kids home..keeps you on your toes.. ;D

Ha ha ZONA--loved ur "butt" research! U didn't mention my research on men losing weight. I wish Ibwould have know that little tidbit many years ago!! MICHAEL, looks like we watch the same "news" show ;)

I do believe, el dorkito, that you brought up ur lovely family first....and I was just responding to ur post~ and anyway, I'm so innocent....and cute~ :D

okay.....i bought two cartridges today....one online, the other from Joann's...and while I was at Joann's, I made a new friend. I talked her into buying 4 new cartridges and a gypsy! I love shopping with other people's money~ :)~

DIANNE...funny stuff! My ex hated shopping so much that even after I moved back to Cleveland I would shop and ship him stuff back to Cali. That ended when he drunk dialed me one night with some drunk chick!!! So long!

GOLDIE...having met MR. GOLDIE, I would say you polished him fantastically! You both make the cutest and coolest couple! LOL@ putting pebbles in your sister's nose!

ZONA...you have a pretty gemmy hubby, too!

TINKA...I am glad that JACK treats you like the gem you are!

MICHAEL...this ISN'T a judgement statement to come...It makes me sad when people don't have good family relationships. I have such a close family that I wish everyone did, too. We argue and piss each other off sometimes, but there is NOTHING we wouldn't do for each other. When Joanne was so sick last year her friends were amazed at the way we all rallied around her, visited her everyday and took care of her and each other. I wish you could have that.

WHABBY...so nice to hear about your explosive diarrhea :)~

SHIRLEY...are you recovered from tax season?

TINA...you're quite the smooth talker!

JUST LIN...I am soooo craving the opening of the custard stand by my house! How do you stand it? LOL!!

BEBBI...how do you mystery shop if you don't like shopping? Does it influence your reports?

Zona~ that woman is a hoot. Just ask Jodi. My mom and her brother were so wicked. I believe she was blushing and calling him a little devil. She never fails to make me laugh and she is a fun 80 year old!

GOLDIE...Inga Binga is a hoot! She reminds me of things my mom would say and do!

When my mom had her heart surgery the doc called me in to talk. He thought she was ready to go home, but he thought she may have been over medicated. I asked why and he started telling me the things she said! I just started laughing and told him that was her sense of humor playing them all!! She went home the next day!

I know what you mean....and I do have family thats wonderful....its just that my Father was a total asshole and my sisters are worthless lying uppity bags of shit....

They are not people I would ever associate with....

It wasn't until Mother died that they started to show what they were real made of...you see...Mother kept them in line....but with Mother gone they brought out their poison apples and black cloaks and transformed into ugly witches...

to me it was like they died...and I went thru a grieving process..6 years of it....and when Dad died I let them suck me back in thinking that maybe there was a chance....but I was wrong....it was only for money....

so as far as immediate family goes...I'll take mine rare....

I'd burn my sisters homes down with them in them but the fact is...as much as I would enjoy it...they aren't even worth burning alive...

MICHAEL...I'm sorry that you had to endure that. I guess in a way it was a blessing that my parents had no money when they passed away...nothing to fight over. But I doubt we would have anyhow. I hope you have lots of enjoyable moments with the good family you do have.

Tink: Well, as for exciting after hours activities, I'm spending my nights on this trip reading "A Man on the Moon: The Voyages of the Apollo Astronauts" by Andrew Chaikin. Absolutely spellbinding book, if you're an Apollo junkie like me.

Michael: Keep those words coming!

Dianne: Today was a little better. I got to give my pitch about what kind of modeling and simulation capabilities NASA needs to invest in and develop in order to mount successful missions to destinations like the asteroids and Mars!

Tina and J/L: Yes, it was! And I once had explosive diarrhea on a beach (Well, not quite a beach... it was up at Sea Ranch). J/L, I'll tell you all about it at the BABB...promise!

Bebbi: One more night, and home tomorrow MCO to IAH to SFO... Can't wait!

Oh. P.S. On the weight versus penis size thread: Huz is exercising more now that he's retired to lose weight.

TINA...that's funny! I thought I heard something, but didn't know what it was!! Thanks! My boss did say the raises were between 1 and 3%...still just pennies, but better then nothing! Hopefully it will at least be the 3%!

Michael - I feel sorry that you did not have a father or sisters who were very nice to you. You deserved better. Like Maureen, I had a close knit family and still do. I remember the last week of the last year I was teaching. During a class pool party at my home I had a medical problem which ended my career. Within ten minutes I had my daughter who is a nurse, my mom, sister, brother-in-law and niece all in my bedroom looking after me. The parents who were there supervising my class were most impressed by my family's devotion. I will never forget that day.

I got knocked off the blog almost two hours ago and now I am too tired to write. I just want to say Zona - I love my Pink Tink jacket you gave me. Jack thinks I look "precious" in it. (His words not mine.) I think it is of very high quality.

Shirley Peggy's Cove was one of the stops on the cruise I took last year from New York to Quebec. It was cold and very windy with large slippery rocks and a wild, angry looking sea. We were warned not to go on the moss covered rocks. Very dangerous.

I had a pleasant day yesterday....I got the urge to bake...I NEVER use the kitchen anymore....but a friend gave me a recipe for this apple cobbler made with Splenda....

Long story short...I had to throw it all away including the oven-ware it was baking in....

What a sticky mess....I don't like apples anyway...

I looked in the oven window at one point and the thing looked like a volcano bubbling and burping molten lava splattering all over the inside of the oven....

I called my recipe giving friend Jan and told her what was going on. She acted all surprised and everything and asked me what temp I had the oven on!!

I told her I had it on 20 minutes then I was going to put in on for another 20 minutes...

She said.. "no...I said what temp"...

me: HighJan? HIGH!!??me: yeah...and when I looked in there at 20 minutes is when I noticed all this craziness...there is actually crap hanging from the top of the oven!

Jan: Michael...sounds almost like you put it in the microwave by chance? ha hahaha

me: Jan I am not stupid....oh! I'll call you back...someones at the door....

Well I had somehow put it in the microwave but I wasn't going to tell her!

So I got a big spoon and scraped what I could out of the microwave and put it back in the mix...then I put that in one of the other cookers on the wall and let it cook....thought I would check my email and stuff while it cooked and it wasn't long before I smelled smoke so I knew it was done...

It really looked strange and was starting to catch fire right in the middle...that part was much higher than the rest of it for some reason.....

I took it from the cooker and put it in the warming drawer to cool...but I didn't turn the thing on...I just didn't want anyone to see it...any-who...I think thats when the whole thing kind of "adhered" to the pyrex making it unmanageable...

I put the whole thing outside so maybe if it rained enough the thing would just get soggy and fall out of the pan.....well..it rained a lot but the cobbler didn't budge....

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