Anyone Still Out There?

Wow. I can’t believe over a year has passed since my last entry. Coming back to this blog seems awkward this time around, and I am not sure why. I tried to post something in December to remember my year of 2016, but I didn’t have it in me to write. A lot has happened since my last post. My grandmother and grandfather passed away within a year or so of each other, and their loss is felt immensely. I’m still in California, but now working at a different company. I spent many years in therapy and finally trying to heal old childhood traumas, and I feel I’m in a better, more whole and more open place in life. I still have bad days – days of depression, anger and regret – but I have more peace, more acceptance and more kindness and compassion towards myself these days. I’m trying to let people in more, and to practice forgiveness. Change is not easy, but the one thing I keep hearing in my mind is, “Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes”. I remind myself of this when I want to choose old familiar behaviors and ways of thinking. I know better now, and I must do better. It’s challenging to know what that “better” choice is, but any action is better than inaction, and so I continue to take baby steps again and again in a new direction. Things with my mom are better, but still very awkward. Afterall, how do you start rebuilding a relationship that has been so fractured for so long? But I am trying and that is really all that I can do. The rest I leave up to God. I’m still single and technically looking, but I still worry that I won’t find that healthy relationship or that person who will handle heart with kid gloves. I think the last two people I’ve “dated”, if you could call it that, were much healthier in both who they were as a person, and also in terms of the role I played in the dynamic. But I still wonder how people maintain long-term relationships. Being mindful is not easy, nor is it easy to speak your truth when the other person’s love is not a guarantee. I struggle with letting go and with freely loving who or what comes into my life. I don’t know if that will ever change about me. The constant insecurity and worry that I am not lovable is just underneath the surface at all times. It will be a miracle when God brings “my person” to me. I know my heart will sing and that true love will be freeing. Now, if only I can be still enough to trust that HIS timing is all that matters. Is anyone still out there? God, are you listening?