A Powerful Two-Step Process to Get Rid of Unwanted Anger

What’s the simplest way to short-circuit your anger?

When—without warning—something provokes your anger, you may struggle not to succumb to it. Since what typically makes you mad is feeling powerless in the face of what seems unfair, your anger is mostly an attempt at a “quick fix” to right the balance. It’s as though you’re raising a fist in protest, proclaiming that you’re not going to capitulate to such injustice.

There are, however, a multitude of problems related to this immediate, push-back reaction of anger. And probably the key one is that almost never does it resolve the issue that gave rise to it. Such reactive anger is probably best understood as self-defeating. As David Burns, the author of the seminal self-help book Feeling Good, observes: if, realistically, acting on your anger is to make any sense, it needs to meet two criteria—which, in almost every case, is frankly impossible. That is, your anger must:

be directed toward a person who has intentionally (and needlessly) behaved in a hurtful way toward you; and

be beneficial or advantageous to you (i.e., assist you in achieving a desired goal).

I think you’ll agree that only rarely can you claim that your anger is both warranted and helpful, whether to yourself or the relationship.

So let me offer you a two-step alternative to abandoning your better judgment and giving in to the temptation of anger—one that should neutralize your anger in seconds. Or, when you’re really angry, in minutes.

But keep in mind that you must really want to execute these steps, be sufficiently motivated to perform them. Which means overcoming more unconscious resistance than you might ever have imagined. Because there are many immediate “advantages” of anger that can interfere with your resolve, I’ll suggest a few of them that might interfere with your employing this powerful method to rid yourself of counter-productive anger. That is, in the short-term, anger:

can offer you the instant “reward” of feeling morally superior to whomever, or whatever, you’re angry at—and this “justified” sense of righteousness (or self-righteousness) can actually bolster a somewhat shaky self-image;

can help you defend against an underlying anxiety, or general sense of vulnerability—for the adrenaline rush of anger (however superficially) may help you feel empowered;

can protect you from experiencing an underlying depression, or deep sense of loneliness or alienation—for, after all, your anger does enable you to stay “engaged” with the other person);

can restore in you some semblance of control when, in your momentary frustration, you may suddenly feel out of control; and

can help you, through intimidating the other person(s), get your way with them (and here, I won’t even begin to enumerate anger’s negative longer-term effects on relationships!).

If you struggle implementing the two-step process described below, these immediate “advantages” are probably what are getting in the way, and precisely what you may need to better realize—and work through.

So much for caveats. Here are the two steps—call them my “double-R technique for anger control”:

(1) RELAX Inasmuch as anger is the emotion that prepares your entire body for fight (vs. fear-inspired flight), you must find a way of discharging this non-productive “fighting energy” before you do anything else. You need to know that, to “do battle,” experiencing significant anger automatically activates every muscle group and organ in your body. Broadly defined, all anger is a reaction to some perceived threat, so it naturally serves as the body’s evolutionary cue to ready itself for combat. Thus mobilized for immediate—and impulsive—action, any “stalling” reflectiveness would be a handicap. So anger affects your thinking quite as powerfully as it does your body.

Given the legal and ethical constraints of modern civilization, it’s extremely unlikely that when you get mad you’ll go in for the kill and physically assault your boss, wife, husband, etc. But since anger readies your mind (not just your body) for battle, once the emotion overcomes you and you’ve lost the ability to objectively assess the situation, it’s quite likely that you’ll verbally attack the other person. For at this point, your thinking is no longer driven by your more evolved, rational neocortex (or “new brain”), but your much more primitive, survival-oriented, simple-minded midbrain (as in, “Me right, you wrong!”or “Me good, you bad!”). In this childlike, regressed mental state, all you can think of is having been disregarded, falsely accused, disrespected, distrusted, devalued, cheated, discriminated against, violated, and so on. And—self-righteously—feeling so wronged, what you crave is revenge. Instant revenge. It’s as though, moralistically speaking, only through attacking the other person can you bring them “to justice.”

Because your thinking is now exaggerated or distorted, if you’re to retrieve any emotional equilibrium—–so you can re-evaluate the situation from a more reasonable, adult perspective—you’ll need first to find some way of settling yourself down. That is, the initial step in this 2-step protocol is to calm your upset body. Only then can you focus on the second step of calming your upset mind.

Hopefully, you’ve already discovered a way to relax yourself—whether through deep, rhythmic, diaphragmatic breathing; some form of meditation; listening to tranquilizing music; visualization or guided imagery; self-hypnosis; acupressure; yoga; or any of the many other relaxation techniques available. But if you don’ t have a ready way of calming yourself, it’s essential that you learn one. For instance, you might look up breathing exercises on the Web, and teach yourself the one that feels most appropriate for you. Then practice it diligently till you can use it to relax at will.

Or, if you’ve got a good visual imagination, picture yourself lying on the beach, walking in the forest, floating on a cloud, leaning against a tree next to a serene lake—or whatever scene you associate with relaxation. And take the time to experience your body reacting to the calming cues “embodied” in the scene you choose. For example, on a private beach, you might fantasize seeing the panoramic beauty of your surroundings; smelling the fresh salt air; hearing the surf hit the shore, or the sea gulls squawking overhead; feeling (tactilely) the warmth of the sun and the mild breeze tickling your bare skin, and the grainy sand slipping through your fingers; etc. Be sure to bring as many of your senses into play as possible. For your body really can’t tell the difference between what’s actual and what’s well-imagined.

But keep in mind that any method you can successfully employ to cool yourself down and reduce your level of physiological arousal—even if it’s nothing more than taking a deep breath (preferably, with eyes closed) and slowly, slowly letting it out—will do just fine. The main thing is that rather than vehemently ventilating your frustrations, you buy yourself some time and engage in a form of self-soothing that, indirectly, will significantly reduce the intensity of your anger.

And if, finally, you’re unable to relax yourself through any of the many “body-quieting” methods available, try vigorous exercise to (non-violently) release the physical tension resulting from your charged-up, angry feelings. Such efforts should allow you to loosen up—both in body and mind—so that you’ll feel calmer and be able to think more clearly.

2. RE-ASSESS By which I mean get yourself to look at the situation that provoked you from a different, more positive, perspective. I can hardly overemphasize that your anger primarily derives from your negative appraisal of what happened. Alter that outlook and the emotion tied to it must change also. So ask yourself questions like:

Did he (or she) really mean what I think I heard them say? Am I assuming something that needs to be verified?

Is this situation as terrible as it feels right now? Am I possibly exaggerating its significance? taking it too seriously?

Is my notion of this person’s being unfair to me more a reflection of my self-interested bias than the other person’s trying to take advantage of me? Are their interests or concerns maybe just as important, and legitimate, to them as mine are to me [i.e., do all you can to challenge your possible self-righteousness in the matter]?

Can I re-focus my attention on what I actually like about this person—and stop focusing exclusively on this particular behavior, which clearly I don’t like?

What’s the concrete evidence that he (or she) intentionally wanted to antagonize, hurt, or humiliate me? Am I taking this more personally than warranted?

Can I see this situation from the other person’s point of view (i.e., try to understand their motives more empathically)?

Might this person’s hard-to-take criticism have some rational basis to it? Is there something I can learn from it that, ultimately, might help me?

Is it possible I was misunderstood? Is it maybe my fault that the person failed to “get” what I was trying to communicate, and so reacted negatively to me? And if they’re just “dense,” do I really want to blame them for this?

Am I maybe taking what this person said too literally? Might they simply be kidding around—and it’s really my own insecurities or self-doubt that’s making me upset?

If this person really is being inconsiderate, mean, or nasty to me, have I also seen them act this way toward others? Can I remind myself that basically this is their problem, not mine—and that I’m much better off simply not taking what they say to heart?

I could probably list another 50 (or 500!) questions to ask yourself when your vulnerability buttons are getting pushed. But hopefully, these self-talk examples will suffice. Since your anger didn’t stem from the situation itself, but the negative meaning, interpretation, or evaluation you ascribed to it, you need to consider alternate ways of perceiving whatever provoked you. In almost every case I think you’ll find that a more level-headed, “measured” assessment of what triggered your anger will help eliminate it.

And with less anger in your life, you’re likely to feel far more relaxed, and happier too. Just don’t ever forget that external events are just that—something external to you—until, that is, you decide, internally, to react to them. Constantly remind yourself that no one other than yourself has the power to make you angry. For, in the end, this “warlike” emotion is something that’s created in your own mind.

NOTE 1: I've published a variety of articles on anger on my PT blog. If you’re interested in further expanding your understanding of this troublesome emotion—and what to do about it—here are some titles (and links):

---To be notified whenever I post something new, I invite readers to join me on Facebook—as well as on Twitter where, additionally, you can follow my frequently unorthodox psychological and philosophical musings.

I read your article with great anticipation but now having read it I have to ask ... Have you ever even been angry? Because I don't think you understand ... Everyone already knows that one should calm themselves to avoid overwhelming anger and the poor 'snap' choices it brings. The problem is, people with anger problems don't experience anger as something that they can relax out of. These people experience anger more as tsunami ... so having people 'take a deep breath and release it slowly' to combat anger is like telling a man facing a tsunami to relax and simply float away on the wave. I'm sorry, this article is written by someone who obviously does not understand anger or how people experience that all consuming wave of adrenaline and what that physiologically does to a person. It isn't possible to overcome the physical response by a simple mind over matter trick at the time. We also know the second step of reframing and reevaluating is necessary but for most of us this can only come in retrospect due to the overwhelming physical manifestation of adrenaline/anger. Sorry but this is no help at all.

The person who wrote this article made me feel angry. You (the author) are not insightful when it comes to the solution of anger issues. You've fallen for the deceitful lie of evolution to explain and understand the current state of the very clearly, self-evident fallen state of man. This erroneous worldview causes you to feel intellectually superior to those of us who possess the ability to express emotions of intense anger by reducing it to a mere evolutionary response used in the past by inferior cavemen. When you exercise control over your anger you get rewarded and satisfied from the belief that it serves as evidence that you're actually more highly evolved than other men who intimidate you with threatening angry outbursts.

It's all about what we believe about ourselves that determines how we live and behave, which is why Jesus says in order to be free from any type of bondage, such as anger, you need to renew your mind. The battleground is in your mind. That's why He says to read the Word of God in order to know the truth about mankind, about who God truly is as a Person, and about who you are in Christ. It's not enough to know it. What you believe is paramount. If you can't trust God loves you and says truthfully that you have worth and value in His sight, then you will never, ever change deep down at the core of your wounded soul. Only Jesus can heal the brokenhearted and wounded soul of a man. That's His job and His delight is in being the ultimate solution to your every possible problem and need. Only the Lord can permanently eradicate the deep-seated belief tattooed in your mind that you're a born loser and worthless. What a each person ultimately believes about who they are will continue to resurface again and again. What you believe shapes your identity, character, and behavior. Jesus says to know the Truth and the Truth will set your free. Jesus says He IS the Truth, the Way, and the Life we are all seeking. Know Him means knowing Truth and know Truth will set your mind free from the deceptive lies of the enemy and of the world.

Awesome. Finally someone who actually understands that with out God's help we will not succeed.
On that note, God will work through others to help us achieve our goals. He has given us the tools to begin our journey to wellness.

We all have a different perspectives on how things work. The best way to go about this, is take what works for you, and leave the rest.

I have a severe anger problem which I believe it is do to what I have gone through in my life and possibly genetic. Until I receive an inner healing from my God, I will be fighting this inner anger until it's time for me to go home. Be Blessed to all who reads this.

Hello I read your reply
I have lived what your response states, to forgive yet when you forgive and you continuously experience a selfish behavior over and over again...
The person is in your life not by choice so you have no choice, you speak to them but they seem to be mindless
and even though you choose to forgive up comes frustration anger all over again...
Years now... we can't change other's yet if forgiveness and years of prayer over this are not helping then what
I would appreciate if you can tell me because I do feel anger regarding this person I am continously choosing to forgive his mindless and selfish behavior no matter how respectful and kind I am to him
Any suggestions
I am certain forgiveness is for my own heart, but because the experiences return so does the anger and hate towards this behavior
Any suggestions

Wow, just WOW.... Here I am searching the internet over and over looking for a solution to something that my Father has the answer to. Like I knew He knows but, just wondered what was out there and something told me to read the comments (even though they are 4 years old). Thank you sister for reminding me ... Shame on me.

This article is exceedingly lame. I actually thought I would get some valuable insight in how to use and direct justifiable anger in a productive fashion. The two step they suggest and the insights regarding anger they raise is pure pablum. It amounts to calm down,...and talk yourself out of your anger! After all the person/s situation you're angry about might not be all justified. WTF,...there are plenty of justifiable issues that richly deserve to be confronted,..not just shucked off like an annoying parking ticket. Aiming to talk yourself out of legitimate anger because it will be less stressful in the long run is advice that borders on incompetence. Burying serious anger is similar to ignoring a broken gas pipe in the basement,..because ,..well it's probably not that bad,..and besides ,...no one lives in the basement,... it's less stressful not to think about it. What you are in fact doing is building a bomb that could eventually spark and take the whole house with it. The editors of Psychology Today completely dropped the ball on this one.

I think people that have experienced trauma in their life are more prone to experience uncontrollable anger. Such as those who faced combat, or physical, emotional or sexual abuse as a child, or as an adult.

When a person I know asks for a suggestion, I respond, usually with, "I really like this one". But, then they get on my case for PRESSURING them(?). I think they feel as if I'm trying to control them. Well, back ## yrs ago, someone harmed them repeatedly. I imagine they felt EXTREMELY controlled, pressured, manipulated, powerless, etc. at that time. So, if anything I do triggers that feeling, their "GET OFF MY BACK!" meter reaches a fever pitch and they lose control. Nothing I say at that point can convince them that I just responded to their question, I could care LESS what they choose, and their response is off the charts.

Then, there's the boy who never felt loved by his parents. He grew up hurt, and that turned into anger. He feels no one ever considered his needs and took care of him. So, when he senses his own family is not considering his needs and taking care of him, when he feels unloved (even a hint), his "YOU ARE MEAN, YOU DON'T LOVE ME!" meter reaches a fever pitch, and he goes BALLISTIC.

For myself, some boyfriends treated me like a prostitute. My "No" meant nothing to them. They kept manipulating, setting me up, pressuring me, and some just took what they wanted. So, if ANYONE enters my personal space, how do you think I react?
My internal "BACK OFF! GET OUT OF MY SPACE! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!" meter automatically reaches the fever pitch. I give them a LOOK, or sometimes I'm able to say, "I feel like you're in my space." They look, apologize, then take a step back. Then, I'm back in the SAFE ZONE, and I can breathe and look past their intrusion.

One of my parents was mad about 50% of the time. The general look on his face was one of disgust or anger. At a young age, when he got home, I'd look around the corner to see if he was in a good mood or a bad mood. If a good mood, I'd come out, but never run up to say Hi. And if a bad mood, I'd go back to my room. Now, if someone ignores me, I think they're mad at me. My "I must have done something wrong?" worry-meter goes off, and I cannot relax until I know that this 'issue' (whether or not one really exists) is put right.

When my boss would slam his door, I immediately thought he was upset with me. I sat right by the door. So, instead of wonder and get stuck in "worry and fear", I would ask. He'd look at me like, smile and say, "No....why would you think that I'm mad at you?" So, I was able to check my feelings against reality, and get back to my 'normal' self.

true.. i though this would help but i cant answer these questions to my self because i feel angry for no reason and i know it.. i feel so angry and lash out at my partner sometimes and feel like he doesnt deserve this but i cant stop having this feeling that i crry because of it..

Believe me, there's always a reason, though it may not be very rational or based on here-and-now circumstances. Can you explore what from you past is yet unresolved and how the present-day situation might have activated it--that is, unconsciously brought it to the surface. A lot of your anger may be OLD anger that's now being tapped into because you've never come to emotional terms with it. And until you can make the right connections and begin a healing process to make final peace with this anger it's bound to pollute your current relationship.

Dr. Seltzer, will you please present a methodology to identify the root cause of my (an other readers') anger? I suspect my anger is common for a middle child (left at hands of spiteful older sibling while parents worked outside of home or with younger siblings). However, I am not sure that is definitely the root cause. Also, if it is the root cause, can you present a methodology to deal with it and resolve it once and for all?

I have some sympathy with the last comment. It is quite tricky to avoid a tsunami of anger by just taking a step back.

One of the problems is that anger is a negative emotion that tends to get stored up over many years. Each separate episode of anger that we experience in life stores up in our system if we do not learn to process the anger when we get it. When we experience a new episode of anger we tend to get all the other anger that is stored up coming out. This often results in a overreaction and the results can be very destructive.

One way of getting rid of all your stored up anger is demonstrated in a video Getting rid of anger using NLP techniques.

Wow! This article is infuriating. I am more angry now than I was before. "Hopefully, you’ve already discovered a way to relax yourself." Hello! If we had figured out a way to relax ourselves, we would not have an anger problem.
Anger management is not just figuring out how to avoid punching someone in the face; it is about learning how to calm yourself and actually RID yourself of the anger, not just suppress it.
This article is really not at all helpful. If you write an article to try to help people, there should actually be some substance to it.

Just how the hell does all of this psycho-babble help someone that is 63 yrs old, and grew up in a home with angry parents???
My dad used to get so angry so often, he would slam doors, cabinets, etc.
My dad was right when he always said that all of you "counselors" are crazy yourselves!

Sorry to have disappointed you. It's just possible that if you look at some of my other posts on anger (I've written maybe a half-dozen on the subject), you'll find something that may be of some practical use to you.

Dr Seltzer, there is one thing I should have said to you at the beginning: thank you for sharing the information about strategies to deal with anger. I appreciate it that you are trying to help, most people don't try to help someone who is angry, they just try to get away. You deserve credit and thanks for that. And I'm sorry I said you didn't have a pair, that was uncalled for. :)

I think you have some excellent ideas, Dr. Seltzer, as to how to properly evaluate people/situations. I think most of the people that had ugly things to say have deep-seated psychological issues and just want to spew. Thanks for writing.

its really an awsum article luvd it....
their is one more way to let out all ur frustration anger out by expressing wat u felt and its so funny and amazing…. try dis site once u, will luv it for sure best way to let ur frustration out
http://angerbanger.com/

I find this article naive and insulting (not to mention poorly edited). I'm shocked that Psychology Today would damage their credibility by publishing it. Telling a chronically angry person to just go Relax and Re-assess, is equivalent to telling an obese person to 'just go on a diet'.

One tip I learned from a Qigong instructor has been helpful to me: When you find yourself in the midst of an anger attack (also called an 'Amygdala hijack') allow your face to go completely slack. It's impossible to be in active rage when your face is lifeless. My instructor advises that you daily practice and train this technique (it only takes seconds) before you need it, so that it becomes a reflex when anger comes over you.

Thank you for the two step process of ridding myself of anger. I had a borderline personality (adopted) mother who alternated between witch and queen. Furthermore, I got pigeonholed as the "all bad child." She is dead now, out last words were terrible, and it triggered me to analysis my childhood to find the cause of my RAD and SPD (both on the avoidance spectrum).

For two years I have felt extreme hatred toward her (if you are familiar with personality disorders, I mean HER, not just her ACTIONS) which interferes with normal mental functioning. Needless to say, it is not productive, but instead has resulted in lengthy and engrossing rumination. Since RAD entails emotion regulation and self-soothing deficits, this has been particularly challenging, and makes relaxing a challenge too (the first of the two steps).

Thanks for listening. I might add the real challenge is not to displace the specific anger, since psychological with such pathological rage it tends to become more generalized, and thus even more counter-productive.

Thanks for posting this article very helpful to decrease anger as The first step in building a healthy approach to anger is to notice the feeling — and accept it. Just as it’s healthy to feel sorrow when confronted with a sad situation, it’s healthy to feel angry when confronted by injustice or imbalance. The key is to recognize the anger quickly, before the worse situation came.

Once you're calm, express your anger: As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but nonconfrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.

Deep breathing can control anger instantly: Count to three as you inhale, hold the breath in your lungs for three more seconds, and count to three again as you exhale.

Identify possible solutions: Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand.

Anger can affect not only you, but the people in your life as well. It casts a negative feeling on those around you.

Your article is really very helpful for managing the anger. Surely people will get the advantages of these useful steps.

Learn to assert yourself, expressing your feelings calmly and directly without becoming defensive, hostile, or emotionally charged. Consult self-help books on assertiveness or seek help from a professional therapist to learn how to use assertiveness and anger management skills. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.

How can you even get by with doing this crap?!? That 5 minutes could have been useful to my life. For example, I could have been looking at some other website. I can't BELIEVE this website's the first recommendation on google.

Good article in as much as it is standard psychology for everything - relax and re-evaluate. I have spent my whole life blaming myself for the abuse of others. Now, following a major trauma, I am feeling the anger. I hate myself for it BUT relaxing when you're in the middle of an abusive situation is impossible - who has time to react with guided visulaisation? "Excuse me while I imaine a beach scene!" Really? Also reading the evaluation questions is just another way for psychology to blame the victim for how they feel. "You've misperceived. You've misconstrued. You've misjudged. etc" Meanwhile the abuser walks away feeling elated and believing I am a doormat and can be mistreated by them at will. Maybe, just maybe we are justified in being angry at certain peoples abusive behaviour? Maybe the ONLY thing we have, given our powerlessness, is to feel some anger. It's sad, pathetic even, but for some of us it's ALL WE HAVE.

I am just one of people who is working on my anger and I can share what has been working for me. I do not take meds or go to psychologists. So, to start. For everyone who responded or will respond with anger to Dr. Seltzer's article (or my comment) I just want to say that in the end his two steps to anger management is what's going to get you to act and feel better. The hardest part (not that relax and reevaluate is easy) is to get to the point where you can attempts to relax and reevaluate. It might take you months or year/s to get to this stage and it is ok. When it comes to anger the only thing that is fast is our reactions. It took me a while to just realize i had anger issues. A lot of you obviously already are past this point and that's the first step. You just have to continue and work on yourself, I'll explain (i have a lot to say so might take a few postings and a few days to do so). None of you are going to start having weeks or days where your anger won't show itself. It will be baby steps: maybe you will not get irritated with your 3 year old for acting like a kid, maybe you'll let your partner, coworker or stranger get away with screwing something up accidentally because you'll realize it wasn't done on purpose and that they are humans. One act at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time will evengually get you to being less angry for half hour, an hour, two hours, half a day, a day, etc. If you screw up in the beginning, thats because you are still at the beginning of a very long jeorney (it will take time, there is no easy solution to anger management, no magic pill or anything, but it is doable). This might not be what you want to hear but you will have to find compassion, forgiveness, love, humility, and etc for others but most importantly for yourself. It is hard and frankly why would you want to be compasiionate when you feel like you are being treated like crap by everyone. Well, because unless you feel good you cannot act good repetitively, those negative thoughts and resentment will get to you and you are lashing out again. There website that might help you is thinksimple.com. i will try posting some links to specific articles next time. Now you can get angry all you want but give this a try after all not sure who said it that "if you continue doing what you always do, you will get the same results that you have been getting" (something like that). And for those who try and fail, just don't give up, like a saying from the website i just provided: "defeat is temporary, giving up is what makes it permanent" (don't remember the author).

The biggest help and inspiration for me, as well as ideas and new though patterns was from reading Dr. Laura Markhams web site (this is the the link to healing ourselves: http://www.ahaparenting.com/blog/tag/Healing_Ourselves/). She is a childhood psychologist i believe but her site is not just for parents. It'll blow your mind how simple, kind and helpfull e erything that she writes is. Give it a try. Now, i read her entire site article to article and maybe you will too, but if not, for those who are in desperate need of some of where to start, here is what i remember fromher posts (andforgive me if it is not from her posts, my memory was never great): 1) our happiness set point is what we are born with and for majority of time it is constant. We do feel happier or sadder when certain events happen but eventually we return back to our set point. We are, however the only ones who can change that setpoint for oursel es by changing our thought pattern (you all have probably heard that we make ourselves happy or sad orwhatever by what we think and how we perceive and respond to outside events. The outside events are neutral, our reactions are not and we can master how to react to those events). This is where thinksimplenow.com would be of great help. 2) Your thoughts create your reality (and there are other versions of this). Talk compationately and lovingly to your self, it might seem hard and stupid at first but with time it will become a habit to talk nice to yourself and others. Attempt to change your thought pattern. Yes it will be hard but you can do it.
There really is not a way out of anger, i think, you need to work throuh it, not ignore it, but to see where it comes from and work and work (maybe your entire life) through it. Like Dr.Markham says, "it is your life afterall, and in the end who is responsible for how you've lived it? (Not for who did you wrong, no, thats not your responsibility orfault, but for what you can do now).

Also, as far as my anger i know that i am angry at lots of people and things but mostly at myself for not standing up for myself back then, and now i get angry at minor incidents as a way of " catching up or prevent something from happening" but i know that's overreacting usually and it drains me and others and many times it is not warranted for and not helpful. It's been half a year since i started reading and practing those two sites (ahaparenting.com and now recently thinksimplenow.com). I don't yell daily like i used to, my anger is less intent and i am happier and so is my family). But it all comes down to being able, wanting to, knowing how and having enough resouces to 1)stop, breath, relax, leave the room, leave the house in ordef to calm down, not in order to get further worked up about how right you are and how others are bad or wrong (paraphrasing dr. Markham) and 2) reevaluate whats going on at the moment tnats making you angry.
But it is a slow process, took me months bdfore i realized i am looking at things differently. I am not perfect, but i am also not where i used to be and i am forever thankful to those people who post blogs out there to help others, knowing in advance that it might not be what some people will appreciate or even will be rediculed and hated for. I just want Dr. Seltzer and others to know that there are people who you do help. And probably those who get angry at you initially do down the road realize you had a point. Took me 7 years to just admit i had anger issues (i quit job 7 years abo because i had to go to anger management sessions, and only in recent 2 years after having kids i realized i need to do something about it before i sentence my kids to a life of repeat misery now and forever). Give this a try, but be patient and compationate to yourself and others, you'll have to be your own best friend 24/7 to get through it. Good luck to you all.

When dealing with a narcissistic, unethical, tyrant - or a self-centered, "god in their own mind", elitist, none of these Re-assessments apply, EXCEPT, the last one. "It's THEIR problem".

Now, if someone is normally kind and considerate and they do something that seems mean, then, it's helpful to re-assess our perception of their actions, words and motives. Talk to them to better understand what happened. Maybe they were hurt by something we did, so they're lashing out in pain?

But, for tyrants and elitists, 'IT'S THEIR PROBLEM.' If you work with them, search for a better job, then quit. But, don't wait around. The damage to your self worth and ability to make money will begin to take it's toll.

If your spouse is a tyrant, marriage was not designed to be a prison, an electric chair or a POW camp. If your spouse is incapable of treating you with respect and mutual consideration and kindness, it may be time to draw the line and kick them out. Nothing else will work. They have set their compass to 'SELF' and only the tough hand of God will break them from such narcissistic ways.

If there's a shred of hope, draw the line. "You've promised a hundred times to get help, but you've never followed through. Here's the bottom line. You have one week to find a therapist for yourself, and one month to change your behavior, or it's over." AND DON'T BACK DOWN. Don't give in. Don't compromise on this. Then, PRAY. Call your pastor and PRAY.

What a nasty article. You appear to think I should talk myself into believing that abuse was my own fault. Why on Earth should I validate and respect someone's "interests and concerns" of having a cheap laugh by telling lies to ridicule an innocent child who had done nothing wrong?

Especially disgusting is the instruction to wonder if the offender is "kidding around." So what? Most abusers are happy to claim that their insults are jokes, just cute little teasing. That doesn't mean anyone else should buy it.

After working hard to invent excuses for the abuser and trying to find ways in which the abuse was my own fault, I somehow won't be angry at the abusive person? Not likely. Victim self-blaming isn't exactly a solid healing technique.

Do you also believe that battered wives should stop provoking their hardworking husbands and that rape victims shouldn't have dressed like that or smiled like that?