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There is no way I’m putting you lot up here at my place, family or not.

I would have you round for coffee or a few jars. We might even crash out on the sofas or one of the many beds that abound. That would be:- a king size, three small doubles and three singles and a sofa bed for occasional use. So that would be, umm, let me see, sleeping room for 13. Way too unlucky and my followers would not all fit.

And there would be complaints from the residents. Why they should complain, I really don’t know considering I put up with their multitudes of friends for overnights and kitchen raids.

Thirteen, I would have thought a really good number of followers when I started this blog. You should have seen my face when I got my first one. I was sooo excited. My 15 year old daughter looked at me in horror when I exclaimed, ‘Look. Someone thinks I’m awesome. It says so here. And, they’re following me.’

Ah, those simple days eight weeks or so ago.

Now, between running after my own family, I’ve got you lot to contend with. Reading posts, commenting, all that laughing and crying, delaying meals and housework so’s I can catch up on just one more.

And I love it.

Bugger it, let’s have a party. My place. I’ll provide the nosh, bring some bevvy. The kids can serve us for a change.

I do feel I owe you all. You’ve taken in this little Scots girl and made her feel like family doesn’t always mean dirty dishes and shitty arses. If there’s any out there, No. I will not be tackling that. Had that up to my elbows.

So, I’m using the above as my acceptance speech for the two awards below.

Award Description:“This is an award for everyone who is part of the “Word Press Family” I start this award on the basis that the WordPress family has taken me in, and showed me love and a caring side only WordPress can. The way people take a second to be nice, to answer a question and not make things a competition amazes me here. I know I have been given many awards, but I wanted to leave my own legacy on here by creating my own award, as many have done before. This represents “Family” we never meet, but are there for us as family. It is my honour to start this award.” from Shaun @ http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/

Rules: 1. Display the award logo on your blog. 2. Link back to the person who nominated you. 3. Nominate 10 others you see as having an impact on your WordPress experience and family. 4. Let your 10 Family members know you have awarded them. 5. That is it. Just please pick 10 people that have taken you as a friend, and spread the love.

Oliana, many thanks, again.

RULES:

1) Winners re-post this completely with their acceptance speech. This could be written or video-recorded. If winners have already been received this reward go to http://www.momentmatters.com/awards/

2) Winners have the privilege of awarding the next awardees!

3) The re-post should include a NEW set of people/blogs worthy of the award;

4) winners notify them of the great news. Also, don’t forget to thank the blogger who nominated you!

5) The source: What makes a good acceptance speech?

6) – Gratitude – Thank the people who helped you along the way.

7) – Humor – Keep us entertained and smiling.

8) – Inspiration – Make your story touch our lives.

(Get an idea from the great acceptance speech, compiled in MomentMatters.com/speech.)

I’ll be gone for a few minutes. Talk among yourselves, have a drink, there are nibbles in the kitchen and a big pot of stew for anyone who needs a bit more sustenance. I could be a while.

1) http://wyreantiquarian.wordpress.com/ . Because he has a really cheeky sense of humour and I’m dying to see what his acceptance speech will say. Also, I think he would be great at a party. Probably standing in the kitchen with a whisky in hand, making wry observations on life.

2) Here kitty, kitty. http://reowr.wordpress.com/ .Because, I am not usually a cat person but this feline persona has really wound herself around my legs and I’m hooked on her poetry. I can also visualise the two of us having a right good chinwag at this here party.

3) http://donofalltrades.com/ . I’ve only just come across this blogger through a link on someone else’s. It definitely gets confusing. But, I figure, at this party, we should have someone whose voracious and humorous use of the word ‘fuck’ had me in stitches when I read his post. There’s always one at the party where you spend you’re time saying, ‘Oh, you!’ and slapping them on the arm. I think it might be him.

4) Now, I want someone sexy there as well. Someone who’ll look at you with smouldering eyes and whisper sonnets in your ear. It works for me. This blogger maintains that he is in no way sexy. His online persona is shrouded by a cloak and a layer of mystery. I think he has a sexy soul. He couldn’t write the way he does and not have. So, Simon, http://isimonfiction.wordpress.com/ , some of us look at the man behind the mask and see sexy where sexy lives – within. If you know Hugh Jackman, you can bring him too. Although, I hear he’s no good with words. What to do with his tongue then, I wonder. Anyway……

5) Now, I think we need a bit of magic in this mix and I’m inviting http://friendlyfairytales.com/ ‘cos I love fairies and my children love fairies and I once flew with one. I did.

6) Right, I’m also asking http://lunaticbardkobik.wordpress.com/ to come along too ‘cos he’s intense and I love that in men and women. There might be a riot at this party with all the sexy. Intense, articulate, sweary, pussy cats around but I’ll risk it.

7) http://suzie81.wordpress.com/ is being invited too. You may already know her. She’s smart and funny and musical. She can play the violin. If you hassle her, she may post a playing on her site. I hear she’s very good at ‘Meditation’ by Massenet. Guaranteed to bring tears to your eyes. She may even know some foot-tapping tunes and I like a bit of a jig. Even if she forgets her violin, she can get you going with the power of the pentatonic scale. Yup, it’s real. And it’s amazing.

Also, she saved me having to look for pictures of Hugh Jackman to salivate over. Thanks, Suzie.

8) http://aopinionatedman.com/ Yer man here probably won’t come and I couldn’t accommodate his multitude of followers but, hey, it’s always nice to be asked, right? He also was one of the first to follow me and is an inspiration to network.

9) This lady here http://thepolarzone.wordpress.com/ is so interesting and funny. I want my party to be that. She’s writing her dad’s memoirs based on his letters and they are amazing to read – so full of who the boy in war was. She also posts some mean funnies that make me run to the loo.

10) I haven’t counted my male to female ratio here so I don’t know how this party is going to go. Too much testosterone or oestrogen and it could be a massive flop or a major fiesta. Let me go and count.

Right, une autre femme. Well, I’m going with wacky. http://clotildajamcracker.wordpress.com/ . Nutty as a fruit cake and fabulous. I come away from her posts going, ‘What?!’ And I love it. She’ll be at the party with bells on and possibly sporting a crazy hairdo with blue highlights. I imagine.

So, there you have it. It’s going to be a blast. Could someone please remember to bring some paracetamol for the after party hangover.

Mention of Pam Ayres had me repeating the only line I could remember, ‘I wish I’d looked after my teeth’.

In an effort to remove the offending refrain from my mind for the rest of the day, I penned this little ditty. I hope that it not only obliterates the previous phrase but succeeds in acting as a subliminal message to my ego and activates the necessary steps. I doubt it. But, it’s worth a try.

Someone once told me

A bum should be pert,

Defined, with muscle, to boot.

A well-toned ass

From severe work-outs,

Observed, as a bit of a beaut.

Alas, to say, my bot is too big.

It’s full and fulsome and there.

It’s never been different,

I don’t do enough,

It’s too often sat in a chair.

My teeth are ok,

My eyes are quite fine,

I work on trimming my tum,

But, arse is forsaken,

It’s wobbled and shaken.

I wish I’d looked after my bum.

Blame him. See above.

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The title of this piece reflects the fact that I hate the actual word, bitch. It is banned from use in my house. To circumvent this ban, my eldest daughter took to using the titled form when wishing to express her annoyance at a particular person or an occasion of bitchiness. Despite my profligate use of the word below, I still hate it and the ban will not be lifted any time soon, if ever.

Bitches are often cunningly disguised. Their ability to mutate to surroundings and friendship groupings may even leave you perplexed as to whether you’re dealing with a genuine bitch or one whom you have misjudged.

Time usually reveals a bitch’s true colours and once they are revealed in their shades of puce, their vile nature may be observed.

An inability to be loyal to anyone, male or female, is a major characteristic of a bitch.

If you have had the unfortunate experience of confiding in a bitch, you can expect repercussions. While smiling sweetly at you, as you disclose personal matters, she will turn her second face towards others of her ilk and relate all that has been said, with malicious humour. Not forgetting, of course, to embellish it all with cruelty.

Should this happen once – that’s it. No second chances. She’s a bitch. Drop her like the proverbial hot potato.

This is a fortunate occurrence, strangely enough. It prevents you from delving into a deeper relationship, thereby negating the wasting of valuable time and energy on someone whose main purpose in life is to swim in muck and throw it.

A lucky escape then.

Some other bitches are a little harder to detect. Their chameleon-like qualities are unrivalled in the animal kingdom – outwith the chameleon and other self-camouflaging creatures, of course.

But, I digress.

These bitches ingratiate themselves into relationships with flattery and false smiles. They lovingly stroke the ego of men while screwing them every which way from here to Sunday. When the harpy within is revealed this is an awesome and frightening sight to behold.

Vitriole may spew forth from the orifice in her distorted face, known by others as a mouth, but observed on her, as a sewage pipe of magnificent proportions. No one is exempt from the deluge of filth as the dam bursts when this bitch is in full-flow.

Every hate-filled experience in her life will be manifest in the way she pours scorn on those who once loved her before her character exploded from her chest in an alienesque manner.

Cessation of all communication is not only desirable but absolutely necessary to regain dignity and harmony in life.

Should you work with someone like this – change jobs. Really. They will not change and your life could be a complete misery.

It is important to note that all females and some men, are capable of bitchiness and there are times when it is almost irresistible to indulge. The surge of effluence does, however, create and leave a foul taste in one’s mouth and therefore is to be avoided, if at all possible.

The essential difference between an occasion of bitchiness and a true bitch is that she rather likes the flavour and cultivates it at every opportunity.

A shit detector or bitch detector is not currently available to purchase anywhere in the known world, at this time. However, experience and observations should go some way to avoiding them like the plague.

There may be bitches out there who will bitch about the fact that I have omitted their own personal brand of bitchiness.