Friday, March 07, 2008

Liberal Manifesto

This was too good to pass up.

I agree with the text, but my hipsteur sensibilites recoil from such earnestness. I was like that when I was 17, thank you very much. I got beaten up for it. I got Paxil and Zoloft and all those wonderful drugs for it.

I especially love the What Would Jesus Do bit, since I'm more of the What Would Tyler Durden Do persuasion. I know I signed a social contract with moi to let myself believe but I still guffaw every now and then. Cynical Me says, "Dontcha just love self appointed liberals? And all those people willing to die for their beliefs? They think they can still beat the right!" Sorry!

I'm fatalist/pragmatist/realist. Then I repent and realize that at the end of the day, being cynical is the easy way out, and only hope can carry us through. It would help if words like hope hadn't been hijacked by Oprah and her crew.

I'll be good tomorrow, I promise.

Liberals believe in clean air, diplomacy, stem cells, living wages, body armor for our troops, government accountability, and that exercising the right to dissent is the highest form of patriotism.

Liberals believe in reading actual books, going to war as a last resort, separating church and hate, and doing what Jesus would actually do, instead of lobbying for upper-class tax cuts and fantasizing about the apocalypse.

Liberals believe in civil rights, the right to privacy, and that evolution and global warming aren’t just theories but incontrovertible scientific facts.

Liberals believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment that (1) prohibits another Bush from ever occupying the White House, and (2) prevents George W. Bush from ever becoming baseball commissioner before he does to our national pastime what he did for America.

Liberals believe in rescuing people from flooded streets and rooftops, even if they’re too poor to vote Republican.

Liberals believe that supporting our troops means treating our wounded vets like the heroes they are, and not leaving them to languish in rat-infested military hospitals under the outsourced management of incompetent cronies who think they’re running a Taco Bell franchise.

Liberals believe in pheromones, sex ed, solar panels, voting paper trails, the common good, and that, no matter how fascinating a story it may be, a president should never sit around in a state of total paralysis reading "My Pet Goat" while America is under attack.

And above all, liberals believe that it’s time to come together as a country and put a collective boot in the ass of shameless conservative fearmongers, hate merchants, and scapegoaters who are sucking the freedom out of all our souls.