Sunday, September 24, 2006

The Absorbascon Reads Spider-Man

As a comic book store owner and comic book blogger, it's important that I'm on the cutting edge of the latest developments in comic publishing. That's why I'm hep, I'm with it, I'm "now".

What really helps me is reading Now Magazine, from that renowned Manhattan hipster, J. Jonah Jameson

Anyway, so I thought I'd make you all wise to this new "Spider-Man" character; if you haven't heard of him yet, you will! I know about these things, because I read Wizard.

Here's the Spider-Man now in his civilian identity as "Peter Parker", updating his journal of substance abuse problems. Note that spider-peripheral-vision allows Peter to write at a 90 degree angle to his eyes; Superman can't do that!

"So, by combining 3 parts cough syrup to 1 part Vicks vaporub,

I achieved a high of 7.8 on the Leary Scale for approximately 5 hours..."

According to that panel, newspaper photographers are paid a fortune for their photos; I had no idea. Cool; Jimmy Olsen and John Schenkel, dinner's on you! Why, if Peter takes "pics" of his fights with villians, he'll be rich practically overnight and never have anything to worry about! Maybe even get to marry a supermodel.

Oh, and this is the "Vulture" fellow they're talking about:

The Vulture; when it absolutely positively has to be there overnight.

Meanwhile, Peter decides to use his amazing spider-powers for personal gain.

Okay, I give up; how DID Spider-Man nullify the Vulture's ability to fly?

I'll never know, because the freakin' New York Post apparently has abandoned the free Spider-Man comic book promotion.

Philadelphia Inquirer is still carrying it.

Spider-Man got the clue to the Vulture's flight from the absence of noise from any motor; he theorized that the Vulture used magnetism to fly. He cobbled together a "magnetic inverter" (amazing what a high school kid struggling to pay his aunt's mortgage can come up with, isn't it? Especially in pre-eBay days) that stopped the Vulture's magnetic flight power. No less plausible than anything Gardner Fox ever came up with.

Doesn't Clark Kent use his powers for personal gain as a reporter as least as much as Peter does? His super senses make finding information considerably easier and superspeed/flight has been valuable in beating his rivals to press.