BS 4 U

Bristol Energy to increase efficiency by putting taxpayers money in a big bin and incinerating it

Bristol energy company Bristol Energy has announced details of how it aims to increase efficiency through an innovative new business plan and the addition of two new ‘green’ energy tariffs.

“The plan is to put all your money in a top-of-the-range metal bin. Then we will set fire to it,” a spokesperson for Bristol Energy revealed at a press conference today.

Since it was founded in 2015, the energy company, which is owned and run by Bristol City Council on a non-profit basis, has increased its non–profitability year on year, reporting a record non-profit (loss) of £8.4 million for 2017.

“Bristol Energy doesn’t offer the cheapest energy deals, and it doesn’t have the best customer satisfaction ratings, but it is committed to ploughing back any profits it makes [none] into making Bristol a real swell place to live,” a council spokesperson said.

In recent months, the council has increased the amount of money it has invested in Bristol Energy to a total of £27million for an unexplained reason.

“The continued investment from the council is a huge vote of confidence, especially when they are cutting so many other essential services. The natural reaction would be to ask myself, why are we so important? Instead I decided to ask, how can we carry on doing what we are doing now, but even faster and better?” said Zsara Vultz, Chief Electrical Officer of Bristol Energy.

“The answer came to me slowly at first. After 30 seconds or so it had warmed up and then ‘pop’, it was bright and clear as the refrigerator aisle in a Tesco Extra. It was one of those energy-saving light bulb moments.”

Tariff 13b customers will be granted access to warm themselves in front of the flaming bin twice a day at a cost of £112 a month.

Customers on The #YOLO Tariff (£160 a month) have all the benefits of Tariff 13b with permission to toast marshmallows*.