The reliably acerbic Noel Gallagher is again in the frame to become a judge on TheX Factor. The former Oasis guitarist has topped Simon Cowell's wish list for years, and last week the producers made him an offer exceeding £2m. Money well spent, should he agree to do it. Noel takes no prisoners when evaluating other musicians, so when it comes to inventive put-downs of the more challenging contestants, he won't need a scriptwriter. You can't help wondering what the younger Noel would have said about the older Noel appearing on The X Factor but one thing's for sure, it wouldn't have been pretty. Or printable. Below are a few of the insults we can print.

On Jack White: "Jack White has just done a song for Coca-Cola. End of. He ceases to be in the club. And he looks like Zorro on doughnuts. He's supposed to be the poster boy for the alternative way of thinking… I'm not having that."

On Lady Gaga: "Twenty years from now, will we listen to Lady Gaga? No. She might think she is making a stand for the freaks and the weirdos. But they're not going to have any decent music to play, are they?"

On success: "You don't have to be great to be successful. Look at Phil Collins."

On fame: "Nothing bothers me more than when groups like Pearl Jam and Nirvana whine and moan and complain about life and being famous. Let me tell you, being famous is great! If you hate your job so much, why don't you fuckin' go work at a car wash or McDonald's or something?"

On Radiohead: "Have I ever had a moment where I sat down and thought, 'Do you know what this calls for? This calls for Paranoid Android! Get it on!" No. I've never had that moment."

On Scissor Sisters: "It's music for squares, man. They're huge in England, but there's no accounting for bad taste as far as the English are concerned."

On brother Liam: "He's rude, arrogant, intimidating and lazy. He's the angriest man you'll ever meet. He's like a man with a fork in a world of soup."

On Mark Ronson: "He wants to write his own tunes instead of ruining everyone else's. Mark Ronson needs to learn three chords on the guitar and write a tune."

On Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong: "I'm not having him. I just don't like his head."

On the Kaiser Chiefs: "The worst thing about them is that they're not very good. They play dress-up and sit on top of an apex of meaninglessness. They don't mean anything to anybody."

On Coldplay: "The Man has taken over the world. All the kids have to look up to now are bland, faceless trainee police officers.