(ROME) Pope Francis announced today that, in an effort to make Catholic worship “cooler” he was authorizing the creation of a New Mass that would feature altar servers, lectors, and Eucharistic ministers dressed as beloved characters from the Disney pantheon. “Now the children will have a chance to hear Goofy offer the Old Testament reading and Donald Duck lead the People of God in the Psalms (and “It’s a Small World After All”). And who would not want to see a child’s face light up with joy as Mickey Mouse reads from the New Revised NAB?”

Pope Francis explained that the new translation of Scripture will avoid problems with sexist language by means of correcting the text. For example, the currently unwieldy rendering of greetings in Paul’s letters (“Grace, mercy, and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ”) will now be rendered “Hi Folks!” “I think it’s more accessible, don’t you?” said the Holy Father.

In addition, in an effort to be more inclusive, singing and dancing Eucharistic ministers dressed as Disney Princesses will liturgically dance to the altar, flinging action figures into the audience. Parishioners will pay for these by credit cards via scanners to be installed in the pews.

Also, the new liturgy will feature commercial breaks and improved hymnody with music based on the work of such Disney pop stars as Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera (whom the Holy Father refers to as a “phenom”) and Miley Cyrus.

Finally, the Holy Father announced that the Disney Mass is the first in a suite of New Masses designed to “pastorally cater to the needs of various focus-grouped demographics”. In coming months, according to Pope Francis, the Church will launch a Star Trek Mass (featuring reading in Klingon and a climactic “Batleth Combat with Evil” Optional rite to accompany the baptismal liturgy), a Lord of the Rings Mass with Elven chants in Quenya and Sindarin, and a wacky “Phineas and Ferb” liturgy “for those who want a little pep in their worship.”

“What could it hurt?” said the Holy Father. “Besides: How do the kids put it these days? It’ll be ‘boss’!”

Sadly, I fully expect some people to take this seriously, based on past reactions to similar satire.

But props for the Phineas and Ferb reference. 🙂

Francisco J Castellanos

I know! I think Perry the Platypus will give a wonderful sermon. He is a great speaker

Dan F.

Wacka wacka

Dan F.

I am Outraged! ™ Satire should never involve the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass (or be funny). Outraged! ™

John Kloess

I take it you’ve never taken a look at eyeofthetiber.com
They parody the mass constantly. 🙂

chezami

Not satirizing the Mass. Satirizing hysterics.

Dan F.

My outrage was in jest. 😉

Dan F.

“Also joining the lineup will be a Simon and Garfunkel Mass (the “Feeling Groovy” Mass) where the readings will all be about peace and free (easy) love and the music will feature the harmonic genius of the (now) bald-headed duo (Francis said, “We have that in common! “)

Meggan

Who am I to judge?

StumbleBumble

As long as I am, in sincerity, seeking the Lord, surely he won’t hold it against me to participate in the Disney Mass, right?

Scott

Today is April Fools. Whew!

BillyT92679

CONSEQUENTIALISM!

Mark S. (not for Shea)

In light of this, I demand a Lord of the Rings themed Easter Vigil! Equal time! Equal time!

billhauk

FINALLY we have a Pope who reads the suggestion cards that I keep putting in the box in the Vatican.

Noah Doyle

*grumble* Wish he’d start reading mine. I keep putting the Vatican City flag on my Kerbal Space Program rockets, but do we get a space program? Nooooooo! He’s a Jesuit, they’re all about going places and finding things out!

Sigh. Someday. And then ‘Mission Control’ will have a whole new meaning…

Hang on, does that mean that Satanists have to have a Don Bluth themed Black Mass ?

Noah Doyle

More like ‘Disney MESS’, amirite?

(Thanks, Mark, ever after today when I hear ‘Paul’s letter to the Whoevers’, I will also hear M. Mouse’s ‘Hi, folks!’)

ModerateMom17

Opening hymn will be Let it Go, sung by John Travolta.

Francisco J Castellanos

Thank you very much for putting that image in my head. 😛

Credo

Would have been a funny April Fools, except that the Holy Father by everything that he is has implicitly already authorized Disney Masses.

chezami

You really need to read that Tom McDonald piece. It was written for you.

Noah Doyle

…aaaaaand we’ve got a winner!

(I really should have started a pool on ‘comments until “IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNY BUT IT’S TRUE!” or somesuch.)

Francisco J Castellanos

Bravooo! You do have to admire the way he/she managed to
drop an insult to His Holiness in the middle of a light-hearted April Fool’s joke. Thank God we are in Lent and Confessions
are readily available…

StumbleBumble

What can one expect from vinegar drinking/lack of the funny folks? He/she spoke loud and clear…sad.

You mean a beloved child of God, complete with an intellect and a will? Because that’s what he is.

People can disagree in good faith about what he says and does (even if they often choose to disagree in bad faith) but there is no room for argument about what he is. He is a person, and no less deserving of your respect and love than any other person for whom Christ died.

Peter Williams

Meh. Just give me my lines and my blocking. I can adapt. This actually sounds like a nice change of pace from all the Clown Masses we’ve been having so many of. I would like to hear some sermons on the competing undertones of Frozen. The snowman is clearly a minion of Satan.

Linebyline

Phineas and Ferb Mass? Hmm… Now that you mention it, this does seem like a Doofenshmirtz plot…

Rosemarie

+J.M.J+

But how will it help him take over the Tri-State Area?

Linebyline

Probably remote-controlling the action figures once the parishioners take them home, or maybe just hacking the credit card readers. That or it’s actually Norm inside the Mickey costume.

Dr. Doof is a Disney character, so it’s conceivable he has that kind of access.