Column: Schools, utilities and law enforcement hit hard by shutdown

By Jon Dawson / Columnist

Published: Wednesday, October 2, 2013 at 10:05 PM.

LAW ENFORCEMENT:

Federal and local authorities are asking all citizens to refrain from breaking any laws during the government shutdown. Without crimes to respond to, police and sheriff’s offices will save thousands of dollars on fuel and vehicle maintenance.

If a crime does occur, citizens are encouraged to handle the situation themselves, be it through persuasive conversation or through the use of baseball bats or stun guns. Anyone feeling the need to take the law into their own hands is asked to subdue and secure the suspects and leave them on the curb to be picked up with the morning trash.

At this very moment, city utility workers are being deputized and equipped with handcuffs and night sticks.

In lieu of a column, I’ve decided to use this space to alert the public to local services that will be affected by the latest government shutdown.

TRANSPORTATION:

Motorists in Lenoir, Greene, Jones and Duplin counties will be operating with partial stoplight service for the foreseeable future. In order to save money on electricity and LED light maintenance, all yellow lights will cease to function as of midnight on Friday.

Green and red lights will still function as normal from 7 a.m. until 7 p.m. After 7 p.m., all traffic lights will be shut down. Drivers are encouraged to use caution and courtesy while driving during non-peak hours.

Drivers in the aforementioned communities will also be seeing fewer STOP and YIELD signs if the government shutdown expands into next week. Emergency personnel have confirmed that crews will be dismantling traffic signs Monday.

“Metal from traffic signs, manhole covers and storm grates can be sold for scrap,” said Jack Nance of the N.C. Department of Energy. “The wood posts used to hold up signs in the rural areas will be beneficial as the temperatures drop over the next few weeks. Many local government buildings still have active wood-burning furnaces, so if funds for heating government buildings are depleted we’ll be prepared.”

Nance said funds raised from selling the traffic signs for scrap would be used to fund an independent study of the effectiveness of road signs, manhole covers and storm grates.

UTILITIES:

In order to conserve energy for essential services such as law enforcement and health care, all residential electrical service will be shut down between the hours of 11 p.m. and 5 a.m. Anyone working third shift is advised to stock up on flashlights, batteries and Vienna sausages.

If purchasing flashlights is not an option, the federal government will be providing one candle per household free of charge. To receive your free candle, visit www.house.gov and click on the “Leadership” tab for instructions. Your candle should be mailed out within four to six weeks after processing.

Matches will be issued by state and local governments on a first-come/first-serve basis. If the match supply is depleted before you receive yours, the feds suggest you rub two sticks together and hope for the best.

Capturing fireflies in old mayonnaise jars is also an option.

LAW ENFORCEMENT:

Federal and local authorities are asking all citizens to refrain from breaking any laws during the government shutdown. Without crimes to respond to, police and sheriff’s offices will save thousands of dollars on fuel and vehicle maintenance.

If a crime does occur, citizens are encouraged to handle the situation themselves, be it through persuasive conversation or through the use of baseball bats or stun guns. Anyone feeling the need to take the law into their own hands is asked to subdue and secure the suspects and leave them on the curb to be picked up with the morning trash.

At this very moment, city utility workers are being deputized and equipped with handcuffs and night sticks.

SCHOOLS:

Since schools are already struggling financially, the shutdown is going to hit them the hardest. As of today, there will be no more money in the budget for chalk, so teachers will be holding classes outside in order to draw lessons in the sand with sticks. Curriculum changes known as “Survivalist Core” are also to be enacted immediately.

There will be less of a focus on foreign languages and more time spent on teaching children how to hunt and prepare wild game. Grocery stores and anything associated with an actual society are beginning to fade, so teaching the youth of today how to survive with a bow and arrow is essential.

When the dollar finally collapses, the younger generation will most likely develop its own monetary system based around shiny rocks or those little silver tabs used to open a can of Pepsi. Youngsters who only know how to communicate via social media or texting will be given a grace period to adapt to a world without the Internet.

“After 90 days, children caught rolling their eyes and huffing when an adult asks them a simple question will be paddled with an old phone book,” said Walter White of the N.C. Center for Education. “The parents who raised these snotty children will also receive the same punishment — unless of course they like that sort of thing, which would defeat the whole purpose.”

Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase Jon’s book “Making Gravy in Public” at jondawson.com.