The shock of being threatened with a knife by his twenty-three year old wife Charlene hit Jackson really hard.

He arranged a separation from Charlene to recover, and to begin to feel safe again. The toughest moments came when he wanted to hear her voice that had encouraged him so often. Growing up in a home with a devouring mother who put him down when he wanted to think and act on his own behalf, he was attracted to Charlene’s adoration and constant attention. Sure, she was volatile – calm and caring sometimes but insatiable and stifling at others. But now, he was seeing another side of her, and feeling as abused as he had when he lived at home with his parents.

Not long after the threatening incident that led to the couple separating, Jackson discovered that Charlene had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). He was furious and felt he had been duped. Yet Jackson couldn’t stop wanting to talk to Charlene and meet up with her from time to time. He didn’t know how to get the more nurturing parts of Charlene that he needed to keep his confidence and spirit up, and how to be safe from her verbal and physical abuse.

Having a relationship with a BPD partner is like living in two worlds at the same time as Jackson discovered. It was heaven on earth when Charlene made him feel like he was the only thing in her world. When she was feeling attracted to and attached to Jackson, he was the ‘good’ guy. But when she was empty and desperate for him to fulfill the promise of being her idol, she would taunt him and nag at him until he focused solely on her. At those moments he was the ‘bad’ guy, withholding from her, making her feel as if she didn’t exist.

The Essential Relational Problems That BPD People Live With

Otto Kernberg gives a useful description of a BPD person’s “splitting” defense in his book, Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism . He describes how they split themselves up into empty/bad and full/good parts, and do the same to their loved ones. When Jackson was doing the dishes or working on an illustration for his client, Charlene felt empty and therefore made Jackson into the ‘bad’ guy. But when he was attentive and focusing on her, he was the ‘good’ guy, filling her up again.

It’s exciting for Charlene to put pressure on Jackson to walk out on himself and join her in her state of anxiety and emptiness. She wants him to blur the boundaries and become part of her. That’s so satisfying. But as soon as he needs to be his own person again, she gets enraged and threatens to hurt him.

Why Can’t People with BPD Stay Full and Remember That They are Loved?

BPD adults have missed out on two essential developmental experiences that affect all their attachments.

They can’t feel you and hold you as a constant loving being in their mind’s eye. You are either ‘good’, ‘bad’ or ‘absent’! It’s called a lack of object constancy. So when Jackson went for a walk with Charlene just before they were preparing dinner the night of the threatened attack, she felt him as the good person, present with her. But the moment he wanted to do something else while she was preparing the dinner he became the ‘bad’ person, abandoning her and making her empty again.

They have trouble imagining your intentions and needs. It’s known as trouble mentalizing. According to this theory of BPD, put forward by Bateman and Fonagy in their book, Psychotherapy for BPD, when Charlene gets angry that Jackson wants to do something else as she prepares the dinner, she cannot imagine that he may need the rest room, or need to check messages on his work e-mail, or just need to read a trade magazine. She imagines only that he is tired of her and wants to get away – hence the rage and threats. Mentalization based treatment is very successful in helping people like Charlene control their extreme feelings by learning how to read the intentions of their loved ones.

Jackson and Charlene didn’t stay apart for long. They had short periods of separation and reunion in waves. He needed her to make him the center of her universe and a worthwhile person who was necessary to her life – all the things he never got from his parents. She needed him to make her feel that she was better than his mother and could provide him with support, ensuring that he would stick around. It became a co-dependent relationship. It’s on the foundation of co-dependency that many relationships involving a BPD person and a narcissistically wounded person (Jackson) survive.

Finding Stability

Make specific times to be together with no other intrusions for short spans, so that Charlene will ‘know’ she isn’t abandoned or unloved and start poking Jackson to attend to her. It helps with the difficulty she has with ‘object constancy.’ Spell out the details like from ‘6pm-6:30 pm is sharing our day together time. Jackson starts talking first and Charlene listens for 3 minutes, then vice versa.’ It may sound calculated but in my experience BPD partners use the entire time to either vent or dig at the other for information to prove loyalty. Structuring the talking-listening makes the encounter satisfying for both.

Plan to do things together during those times that bring both of them together in a world called ‘us’ – so that Jackson doesn’t feel he has to give up his world to be engulfed by hers, and so that Charlene learns that other worlds exist that include her.

Engage in regular and constant ‘check ins’ with each other – saying out loud what you are feeling and thinking in the moment. It works by giving feedback about what is going on inside Jackson so that Charlene doesn’t go to her usual abandonment story. Jackson’s saying things like, “I’m really tired after that walk!” will help Charlene appreciate that he doesn’t want to lie down because he is tired of her, but that his body needs a rest!

Have a network of friends outside the relationship. Family relationships are bad for both parties, so friends and colleagues become crucial in helping the couple avoid co-dependency that fuels the cycle of instability.

Encourage your BPD partner to write down their feelings while you are not in the same place together. So if Jackson is at the Gym and Charlene is doing laundry at home, she might get anxious that he is meeting someone new and won’t ever come home. Writing down those feelings at the time and then sharing them later is a very effective tool to control volatile feelings and discuss them later when reality proves the anxieties unfounded.

Writing the feelings down helps settle the turmoil and release it in a coherent manner. It engages the more rational part of the brain with the emotional centers and helps the BPD person to get grounded and then do a reality check. It’s much less likely that when Jackson comes back from the Gym, Charlene will attack him with her unprocessed anxiety and fear of abandonment.

In my experience of working with couples where one person has BPD and the other is narcissistically wounded (the common combination of attraction) they agree to these five core stabilizing suggestions and use it for a short while. As soon as stability is created, they abandon the scheme and the whole cycle of volatile emotions, safety-issues and fear become center stage again.

Dr. Jeanette Raymond is a licensed clinical psychologist with a private practice in Los Angeles. She is the Author of: Now You Want Me, Now You Don’t! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize fear of intimacy, and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

If you look at your past relationships can you see many similar qualities in your ex’s, even though they were different kinds of people? If so, you might either be choosing the unhealthy version of same type, or you might just be choosing a type that doesn’t match for you.

As explained in the video, if you are choosing someone that doesn’t force you to grow, or is just easy to be around, then perhaps you should begin to look outside of your comfort zone. An easy example is someone who doesn’t want to get in shape so they accept a partner who is overweight. Then, down the line, they become upset because their life is stagnant, want someone to blame, and have an unmotivated partner.

Your “issue” might not be getting in shape but could be anything you are afraid of, or know you should change and don’t want to. Some examples are:

Drink too much – (Choose a partner who drinks more than you but get upset about it down the line.)

Doesn’t have a solid career – (You know they are not working on their issues, so you don’t have to either.)

A lot of this has to do with insecurity and self-love. Lets say I told you I have a partner for you that is just perfect. He/she has a great career, works out, always eats healthy, meditates, and always is improving him/herself, and is looking for a perfect person to be hooked up with. How would this make you feel?

Would your thought pattern steer you away from this type of person? Why? Is it because dating them would force you to make changes you are not ready for? And you wouldn’t want to step out of your comfort zone? This is an indication of choosing someone who might keep you stagnant and make you further frustrated down the line.

Would this make you feel as if they would never like someone like you? If this is the case, then perhaps you are dealing with a lack of self-love or confidence in general. In this case get in touch with why you are a great person to be with, and carry that with you throughout your day.

Is your first thought, “yeah-right,” as if this type of person does not exist? Then perhaps you are dealing with a strong negative self-fulfilling prophecy that keeps you from finding this type of person.

Most of the best relationships I’ve seen are based on two different types that respect one another and therefore motivate each other to step out of their comfort zone. Complementary relationships are those that are two different types that force growth upon one another. So like two pieces of a puzzle, although they are very different, they combine well. There are bigger compromises in this type of relationship but more growth.

There is no “wrong” combination, but moving forward you might need to do something different than what your past instincts have told you. Knowing your personality type, in my book, “The Power of Personality Types” allows you to go after the changes you want for your relationships because you know the characteristics each. Having awareness for these types allows you to be more in tune with who will be a great long-term match for you going forward.

As an exercise, think which relationships you had that were mirrors, and which have been complementary? What was your experience in both? If you continue to pick the same type, have you been evolving at a satisfactory pace, or are you not evolving? What lesson do you keep missing and need to repeat? What problems is your ego trying to re-create just so that they can be overcome?

Insight to these and other questions can be found in Chapter 11 of my book as well as a further explanation of these concepts and the characteristics of “Uncomplementary” relationship combinations. More on how to create the right relationship can be found at www.TheArtofUnity.com. There are also meditations to cope with a breakup by clicking on the meditations tab.

When couples dating or married get into arguments it is important to fight fair.

Not fighting fair can really damage a relationship. The minute a couple can embrace fighting fair when an argument arises their relationship will grow to be stronger and both parties will see the other partner has the other partner’s best interest in mind . Below is a list of do’s and don’ts when fighting.

Each party should never do the following:

Attacking of giving insults

Blaming, criticizing and or judging

Name calling of any kind

Using profanity

Character assassination. For example calling the other person “Crazy”

Playing games to win the fight and prove the other one is in the wrong

Threats. For example bringing up divorce

Yelling, throwing, hitting or pushing

Give ultimatums

Bring up every other fight or issue the relationship had in the past

Give the silent treatment

Bring in other people or their opinions

Walk out the door without saying you will be back later

Do:

Be soft with the words that are use

Be kind and gentle, remember you are equals

Reassure your spouse by saying loving things, like compliments or praise during the argument

Take responsibility for what you can change that caused the argument and can improve the relationship. There is always room for self growth

Ask for what you need in the relationship to get past the argument

Complain without blaming your spouse

Work on seeing the other person’s perspective

Focus on feelings

Stop when you feel you are losing control and take a 20 minute break, make sure, to ensure your partner it is only 20 minutes and you will be back and not abandoning them or the hurt their feelings.

Relationships will see an immediate difference if the couples fight fair and the relationship will grow stronger.

Ask 100 or so women about sexual desire and you’re sure to hear some amazing stories.

One will calmly tell you she had sex three times a day with her husband of twenty years, even though she would have preferred coupling much less frequently. Another will tell you she never felt desire at all for her first husband, and in fact never experienced an orgasm until she was 82 when she falling in love with the man who soon became her second husband. Another will recount a list of perhaps 100 lovers, almost all taken during her 48-year marriage to a man now dead four years, whom she professed to miss dearly.There is never a dull moment when you’re researching sexual desire in women. It’s a complex subject, as I discovered during the process of writing “Kiss and Tell: Secrets of Sexual Desire from Women 15 to 97 ,” in collaboration with gynecologist Dr. Maureen Whelihan.

We distributed a short survey to 1,300 of Dr. Whelihan’s South Florida patients asking questions such as what stimulated their desire, what they thought about during sex and when they had the best sex of their life. Since the goal was to understand how desire evolves over a lifetime, I then chose representatives from each decade in a woman’s life to talk in-depth about their sexual history and experiences with desire.

The disparity among the decades was fascinating to observe. Teens can generally converse comfortably about sex, and they display a facility with the vocabulary surrounding sexuality. One teen explained that although the first time she had sex with her boyfriend was disappointing because there were no fireworks and it was over too soon, at least there were no lubrication problems because she was having her period.

I am a woman in my fifties, and rest assured, the vast majority of women of my era would have been far too mortified to schedule the loss of their virginity concurrent with a visit from Aunt Flo. Hey, we couldn’t even call a period a period; we concocted silly euphemisms like Aunt Flo.

Not surprisingly, most interviewees in their seventies and eighties were less at ease talking about sex than the teens and twenties. They related tales from their bedrooms with discretion, and in turn I found myself treading lightly when I asked questions about specific practices.

But for all their modesty and despite their lack of experience chatting casually about sex, the older women had much wisdom to share. They spoke to me about the patience of their husbands on long-ago wedding nights, men who soothed their fears and who learned how to satisfy them with regularity.

For women of all ages, satisfaction in the sexual arena seems to increase based on the acceptance of one’s body and desires, whatever they may entail. Our survey proved women of all ages use sexy movies, novels and pornography to get them in the mood, as well as massage, vibrators and role-playing. Women who had overcome their shyness and ventured to tell their partners what truly turned them on reaped significant benefits.

Finding a partner compatible on a sex drive level helps as well. Because men have roughly eight times the levels of testosterone as women — and since testosterone is a huge factor in the desire for sex — men generally have thoughts of sex more than women — but not always. I met more than a few ladies during the research for “Kiss and Tell” who outdistanced their men in desire.

Based on years of observational study, Dr. Whelihan believes about 20 percent of her patients fall into the category of high libido (those who would like sex every day) and about 20 percent fall into the low category (those who would be content with sex once a month). The remainder of her clients fall in the average range, or those who desire sex once or twice a week.

Keep in mind that all of these parameters for libido are normal.

Problems only arise when partners from opposite ends of the spectrum find themselves paired. This happens because during courting behavior — as women are wooed with flowers, dinners and compliments — their libidos are stimulated by the attention, causing them to desire sex more frequently. When that wooing behavior ceases and everyday routines set in, a woman’s libido may fall back to her norm, which statistically is likely to be once a week.

Though Dr. Whelihan says many of her patients tell her they are dissatisfied with their sex lives, she is fond of saying, “Women don’t have low desire for sex, they have low desire for the sex they’re having.”

She believes women need permission to enjoy sex and sees her mission as giving them a green light to enjoy intimacy by turning off negative thoughts during sex and sinking into a sensual awareness of their bodies and to simply embrace what feels good.

The most important thing I discovered during the course of my research was that the breadth of women’s experiences surrounding sex encompasses such a vast territory that it makes room for all of us. Despite what “Sex and The City” would have us believe, few women talk to one another about the specifics of their intimate lives to the degree discussed in this book, and so to have these details revealed is oddly reassuring.

I felt normal when all was said and done. In the women’s stories, I recognized pieces of my own sexuality, my own insecurities, my own preferences. No two women are identical of course, but as I listened to the stories of others unfold, I realized we all share common ground.

I learned that every one of us, no matter our age, is trying to find our way in and out of this crazy piece of the human essence that is our sexuality. And we are trying to stay on the path of discovery, but it’s confusing.

The women of “Kiss and Tell” demonstrate that we’re all normal. We are smart, complex, loving, adventurous, insecure, searching, shy, funny, sincere, reticent and empowered beings. And far from being a weakness, these complexities are our strengths.