04 June 2012

I Remember When I Said . . .

current state of mind: cautious

After the fall

After all the bubble gum

There is no sweetness

Left on my tongue

~ “Love is Luck” by The Walkmen

Sometimes my
writing takes on a voice that is speaking toward a specific person. I don’t
enjoy writing in that manner, unless it is a personal letter, because it feels
contrived. I do not want to be contrived – not here, not ever, actually. It’s
difficult, though, when I have so much to say, so many questions, and no
answers. I mean, the answers could be here, in my brain, waiting to be released
– and perhaps I don’t have all that many questions, since I dislike asking
questions with painful answers. It is “willful blindness”, and most days it
suits me just fine.

I received
an email which bluntly stated that a friend had found the perfect person to provide
the male DNA necessary for me to have a child of my own. The guy is smart,
attractive, kind, and gay. So it is unlikely he and his partner will get to
have a baby without some intervention. In response, I let my friend know that it
is not a lack of ‘swimmers’ which prohibits me from having a child; it’s money.
IVF is not cheap. For those of you who want to suggest that there are plenty of
parentless children in the world who need a forever family, adoption isn’t
cheap either, unless I want to raise a six year old with attachment disorder.
Apparently sociopathic wards of the state are available by the bus load. Fantastic!

I am not
heartless. I feel terrible for those children. I feel terrible for the infant
who was left on top of the car by her “high” mother. http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/mother-drives-5-week-old-top-car-164426051--abc-news-topstories.html
As if having a pink haired mom wasn’t bad enough; but this one didn’t notice
when her 5 week old baby’s car seat fell off the top of the car while she and
her baby daddy were driving to the liquor store for something to drink. Fecking
brilliant! While the baby is currently with CPS, he’ll likely be returned to
one of the degenerate parents before too long. He’ll grow up thinking his life
is normal and the cycle will repeat itself. Sad, but true.

I realize I
am cynical about fertility. Of course I am. I read these horrible news stories
about children who are stuck with birth parents who don’t have a clue about
taking care of themselves, let alone another person. Then there are people who
would do anything within their power to have a baby and the Universe says, “Nope.”
This isn’t just about fairness. I realize that life is not always “fair and
balanced” like FoxNews. I just don’t understand it. There are a lot of things
in life I don’t understand. I try to just accept the world as it is – but it is
difficult when I see things that go completely against logic. We are a species
that will kill one another without purpose; laugh at others’ misfortunes; walk
away from love and happiness; or make the same mistake over and over again, no
matter how painful.

Through it
all, however, I am so blessed to have two amazing children that are in my
heart, even if not from my womb. I have friends whose children consider me their
“Auntie” and by Autumn, I will be an aunt and godmother to a baby boy. It is
probable that I will never get to bear a child with my DNA. It is also probable
that I won’t adopt. I’ll still leave my “imprint” on the world by loving the
children that are brought into my life by the Universe.

The world
may not be logical or fair – but it seems to persevere even when swimming in
shite. That has to mean something . . . right?

PERSONAL NOTE: I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not
like them Sam-I-Am.

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: I hope your first
day is all that you wanted it to be.