Thursday, February 14, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Delaware Senator Tom Carper says he is sensing “a greater friendliness” from the TSA. Apparently they performed his most recent body search with only one finger.

85 year old Pope Benedict XVI says he will retire because of his “advanced age”. Which is pretty much how you get the job in the first place.

Detroit auto worker profit sharing bonuses are close to a record high. In fact, they were so high that most workers say they will be able to retire after two or three more taxpayer bailouts.

30 people in a chemistry class at Villanova University were taken to the hospital after becoming ill. School officials were concerned. It was the most people ever sickened on campus who didn’t just come back from the school cafeteria.

A French vanilla coffee creamer spill closed traffic on I-10 in Arizona for 12 hours. Highway officials had to close the road because they were afraid the spill could cause someone to go out of control and really get creamed.

Dubai is planning on building the world’s biggest Ferris Wheel, which will reach up to nearly 70 stories high. It will be the second scariest ride in the Middle East, next to a trip down any highway in Afghanistan.

Carnival Cruise Lines has canceled a dozen cruises after their ship Triumph caught fire off the coast of Mexico. People who had trips canceled but still want the Carnival experience are invited to build a raft and set themselves adrift with no supplies for a week.

A Syrian government official is warning of rampant trafficking of antiquities from his country. No one even knew Syria was a hotspot for gay shopping excursions.

Runaway debt has caused the Postal Service to request to alter its business model. People were confused. The Post Office has a business model?

Runaway debt has caused the Postal Service to request to alter its business model. People were confused. It’s gotten so bad that even Detroit and the Wall Street banks are telling them they need to get it together.

Global mobile phone sales have dropped for the first time since 2009. Mostly because AT&T customers have finally figured out the problem is not with their phones.

Home foreclosures have fallen across all of California. People were surprised. There are people in California who still have mortgages?

The new “Die Hard” movie has a scene where 132 cars are wrecked. Otherwise known as the morning commute on the 405 Freeway.

The new “Die Hard” movie has a scene where 132 cars are wrecked. There is a movie script in the works that calls for even more smashed cars. It’s called “The Lindsay Lohan Story”.

Gerald Storch has stepped down as CEO of Toys R Us following a disappointing holiday season. Apparently he knew things were bad when the board of directors put him in a time out.

Lexus has topped the J.D. Power dependability study. Chrysler complained about the results, saying their car is the most dependable. You can depend on a Chrysler to be in the shop at least once a month.

Facebook has won a dismissal of four lawsuits related to their failed IPO. Apparently the people were upset that they could have used the money they lost on Facebook stock to buy all sorts of equipment for their fake farms.

Carnival Cruise Lines says its profits will suffer from the fire on its ship Triumph. People were surprised. Carnival makes a profit?

Barry Bonds is asking that his felony conviction for obstruction of justice be overturned. Apparently everyone feels justice was served when he was turned down in voting for the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Barry Bonds is asking that his felony conviction for obstruction of justice be overturned. Baseball fans in response are asking that all his records be overturned.

Love letters between LBJ and his wife Lady Bird have been released to the public. People were amazed. It was the first time anyone had ever heard of a politician writing love notes to someone other than themselves.

Love letters between LBJ and his wife Lady Bird have been released to the public. To which everyone under 30 is asking “What’s a letter?”

A poll says that 54% of Michigan residents support a ban on assault weapons. The other 47% wouldn’t come out from behind their sofa to answer any questions.

A report says that shale oil will boost the world economy by $2.7 Trillion. Mostly in the form of oil company executive bonuses.

Mississippi lawmakers have passed a bill to outlaw any regulations on food consumption in the state. Which is about as necessary as Hollywood forbidding any restrictions on Botox.

Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta has announced a new medal for drone pilots who operate the planes from a video console. Who knew that all those years of playing Mario Brothers would pave the way to become a decorated war hero?

North Carolina has approved steep cuts in unemployment benefits. Which is bad news for all the out of work people in the tar heel business, whatever that even is.

Researchers say that bad economic news makes people seek out higher calorie food. Which explains why all the commercials on CNBC anymore are from McDonald’s, Burger King and Wendy’s.

A study says that hyper parents who are too involved with their children’s lives in college can cause them depression. Mostly by telling their friends humiliating stories about when they were little.

The CDC says the number of infections picked up in hospitals are down slightly. Mostly because since so many people lost the health insurance benefits in the economic crash no one can afford to go to a hospital anymore.

Scientists say they have found a way to shut off the sensation of feeling cold. Apparently they recommend moving to Florida.

Scientists say they have found a way to shut off the sensation of feeling cold. Apparently it’s called the X Chromosome.

A report by the CDC says the U.S. has 110 Million cases of STD infections. And that’s just in the petri dishes left over from the cast of “Jersey Shore”.

The Library of Congress has unveiled a plan to save historic older recordings to prevent recent losses like those of Judy Garland and Frank Sinatra. To which most people are asking if there is any way to lose all the recordings from Justin Bieber.

Steve Martin has become a father for the first time at age 67. Or as Tony Randall would have said, “What’s the rush?”

Steve Martin has become a father for the first time at age 67. Imagine his joy when he hears the baby speak its first words, “Hi, Grandpa!”

Steve Martin has become a father for the first time at age 67. There will be some real bonding. By the time Martin stops changing diapers on the child, they will be old enough to start changing them on Martin.

A study says that the hearts of couples in a romantic relationship start beating in sync when they are close together. Which means that Dick Cheney’s wife would be smart to keep her distance.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Happy Valentine’s Day. That is one day that will never be abbreviated because it just sounds wrong to wish your true love a “Happy VD”. Make sure you keep Cupid happy by remembering to send the love!