I have a theory- that the most creatively giving souls, the happiest, most freedom-seeking spirits, and the bravest trailblazers in society are precisely the people that get labeled as selfish.

Being selfish was my worst fear for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I put others’ needs first while minimizing my own. My self-sacrificing was so extreme that I developed an eating disorder in adolescence. Even as I healed from anorexia in high school, I still focused on making others proud, getting straight A’s and using “I’m sorry” as part of my everyday vocabulary. In college, I started to learn another way. It happened when I lived by myself in Boulder, Colorado one summer. I didn’t have anyone else to take care of or to please. I started to do more yoga and I became acquainted with the still small voice that let me know my needs, that led me to inspiration, and that told me when something was amiss.

On my way home from Boulder, I spent a couple of nights with my childhood best friend in Oklahoma. It was there that I came face to face, literally, with my fear of being called selfish. From the beginning of the visit, things didn’t feel right. My friend was acting like a bully and behaving in ways I hadn’t noticed before. On my last day there, I found myself backed against a wall, nose to nose with my so-called friend who was screaming at me, “You are so selfish!!!!” She said much more during her shrill monologue, but one word stood out. It wasn’t the yelling that stung as much as what she had called me. Selfish!? Really? Me?

Once I got some distance from that episode, it occurred to me that my childhood friend had yelled at me because she was trying to maintain control over me. She was not accustomed to my new behavior. She probably wondered, “Where is Cara, my trusty sidekick who goes along with my plans and priorities, and who replaced her with this self-assured person who takes care of herself, asserts her needs, and creates boundaries?” In such a desperate situation, the label selfish was her weapon of choice.

The most ironic thing about calling someone selfish is that the name-caller demands that others put her needs before their own, creating a dynamic where she has power over the person she’s calling selfish. That is crazy-making and a major red flag that something fishy is going on in the relationship.

Selfish is a policing word.

We use it to police ourselves, to keep ourselves in check, to make certain that we rarely, if ever, put ourselves first. By sacrificing our time, energy, money, and authenticity, we label ourselves as “good,” selfless, worthy people. When we live this way, we may collapse from exhaustion at night, but at least we know we gave all of ourselves.

We also use the word selfish to police others.

That person took the last brownie at the potluck?! How selfish!

My partner got engaged in a conversation with a friend and forgot to call?! How selfish!(!!!)

My friend stayed home again to work on her art project. How selfish!

Geez- she always cuts her hair, dresses, and acts however she wants! How selfish!

They are always going on vacation! Some of us have to work. How selfish!!

You get the point.

When we look closer at these examples, a trend emerges. When we call others selfish, often it is for doing the very same things we wish we had the guts and freedom to do ourselves. We wish we had the courage to stand up and take that time, that initiative, and ask for that opportunity ourselves. So why do we shame others?

It’s easier to judge than to change.

We are creatures of inertia. And it’s much, much easier to point fingers at others, to keep sacrificing for others, than to take an honest look at ourselves and perhaps admit that our needs are not being met. Change is scary. Admitting we want more from life can be absolutely terrifying. So we keep ignoring that still small voice to our own detriment. We keep calling ourselves and others selfish, dreaming of taking that vacation, finally starting on that painting, getting that haircut we’ve always dreamed of, and taking the last damn piece of brownie for ourselves.

There is a better way. What if we could rob the word selfish of its power? What if being called selfish were a compliment that we take as a sign we’re on the right path of self-care and self-awareness? What if we could take all of the energy we put into keeping ourselves and others in check and put it toward our passions? What's your experience with the word selfish?Leave a comment and let's get the conversation started, together!

Good for you for making appointments when they fit for you! I'm not sure where we got the idea that appointments need to be in the morning, anyway. Plus, afternoon appointments need to be filled anyway. Remember, service provider means that they are there to help you. :) And I know you are always so gracious. It's just your way!
xoxox Thanks, Mom!

Cara, this is such a courageous and vulnerable post! I completely agree that we often use the concept of selfishness to police our own behavior and that of others. I think I probably accuse myself of being selfish way more than anyone else might.

Heather, thank you so much! That means a lot coming from you, a very courageous person, as I've always seen you. I did feel vulnerable. I read something that said you know you've hit the sweet spot with writing when you feel like you are standing naked on stage. I like that analogy.
Thanks for sharing that you may accuse yourself of being selfish more than others would. I hope you can find and celebrate some small victories on that journey.
I think I've also erred on the side of keeping myself from being what I perceive as self-indulgent by denying myself small luxuries. And then I can end up feeling resentful. One example is with time for myself. A friend of mine just told me his morning routine- yoga and writing, taking about 1.5 hours. I was envious and then realized if I really want to, I can make that kind of time for me.
Are there certain areas that you find yourself holding back more than others?

Thanks, Kathleen! Yes, I agree, we need to be selfish to give our work the time it needs and practice self-care. I identify as an extrovert, but with an introverted side. Still, it take practice to say no to over-committing to others! I wish you luck in your journey and I admire what you have accomplished with your blog. Thanks for the inspiration!

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Melanie Luschen

9/4/2015 07:15:38 am

Love the sense of power in the post-and the suggestion of robbing "selfish" of its power! I would love to quote portions of this argument for an activity with my students-with your permission of course. Let me know!

Melanie, I appreciate hearing that a sense of power comes across. I have been feeling a lot more power in my life lately. Conversing through this blog will continue to feed it, so thanks for engaging! Yes, I really want to rob the word selfish of the power it holds over us. Any ideas?
You are more than welcome to quote anything from this article if you'd like. I'd be honored!
xo Cara

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Sara Silletto

9/4/2015 10:34:37 am

Cara - this is wonderful and I will share via Facebook. :) I think becoming a mama has definitely made me stand up a little more for myself and for what I need. I even cringe typing the phrase "I need." Augh! It is so ingrained to not be self-centered/selfish, but it is emphasized almost daily to new mamas about self-care. Now THAT is something everyone can get on board with. If one is always giving of him/her self, then there isn't much left at the end of the day/month/year/life. And ironically, isn't that kind of selfish?

I love that last line, Sara! May I quote it in the second part of this article? So well said! Thanks for reading, sharing, engaging. And thanks for bringing up the self-care for parents. I am happy to hear that there are messages out there advocating self-care for new moms. I am glad you have grown in the way of taking care of yourself! Yay you! :)

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Dawn Powell

9/4/2015 01:13:29 pm

Thank you for being a strong woman Cara. I love your new blog and can't wait to read the next post.

This little line caught my attention. "using “I’m sorry” as part of my everyday vocabulary"

It made me think of a Pantene commercial that had a bit of impact for me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzL-vdQ3ObA

Dawn! I feel so affirmed by your comment, and I got goosebumps from that commercial. I'm glad the "I'm sorry" part of the article grabbed you. I am doing my best to be more direct.
Here another piece about the word sorry that I found clarifying. Especially where it says, "[Sorry is] a poor translation for a string of expletives.."
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/23/opinion/when-an-apology-is-anything-but.html?_r=0
I think we can change the world! Really we can. And the time is now. Thanks for being on the journey with me, sister!

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by Cara Steinbuchel

Owner of Cara Mae Skin Care and maker of Potters' Skin Butter since 2004, I am an artist, adventurer and inspiration junkie.