Looking for celebrity gossip and full frontal Kardashian bashing? Need more snarkasm in your diet? Do you get a sick thrill out of the misfortunes of others? You're in the right place! Welcome. And prepare to be Whorrified.

Monday, 24 December 2012

ICE LOVES COCO; COCO LOVES . . . NUDITY

ICE: Hey, is that fool over there lookin' at your boobs? COCO: No, of course not, Baby. Why would anybody do that?Photo: Steve Vas/Featureflash

Dilemma: You're an aging, paunchy, somewhat ... how do i put this delicately? ... pug-faced rapper who hasn't had a hit since
around the time MC Hammer pants were in style. Your wife is a balloon-breasted hottie 21 years your
junior who has finally achieved her life's goal: performing topless in Vegas. Your marriage is now under siege from horny
rappers who want to sleep with her...and
she kinda doesn't mind. In fact she
kinda slut-cuddles with them for photos.
And posts the photos on Twitter. And thereby makes you a laughingstock.

Solutions: What to do?Well, if you're one of the new crew of rappers, you
might pop a cap in somebody's
*ss.

If you're
slightly older but still have that
young-blood grrrr, you might "wile out" with the ultimate
old-school weapon: your fists.

But if
you're54
years of age, you have mom butt and, truth be told, you're starting to really enjoy going to bed early with a cup
of peppermint tea (keeps you
regular), you might ease your dimply buttocks into a pair of loose-fitting gym shorts and take your
balloon-breasted young wife to the gym for a rousing couples workout. (Click here and tell methis doesn't scream "I HAVE MOM BUTT!")

Risk factor:
Moderate to high. On the minus side, she will see you looking middle-aged in workout gear that was clearly
chosen for style rather than actually working out.
Similarly, there will be the unavoidable leaked photos (do you
celebrities STILL not get it? TMZ sees everything!) that will make you look goofy and will make her look hot.

On the plus
side, she might sweat off some of the excess estrogen that is only going to get her in trouble.

Better Idea:Start showing up at her
popular Vegas Peepshow looking like scary old Uncle Knuckles, glowering at the
horny young men in attendance and making everyone feel creepy. That show will be
cancelled within weeks!

Editor's
note: I would need more information before I could decide whether I agree with
you or not. Such as *ahem* Coco's chest measurements . . .My note: Yeah, say that in front of
ICE-T. Here's a link to the now-infamous pix of Coco cuddling up to rapper AP-9, and another
link to pix of scary old Uncle Knuckles.

DOESN'T THIS FAMILY EVER HAVE BOYS?

Kardashian's stripper bride has plopped out a baby, and it vaguely resembles Rob so my nasty suspicions were completely unfounded. Also, IT'S A GIRL! In lieue of newborn gifts, the happy kouple are probably asking for cash donations to the baby's breast-and-butt implant fund. Those 12th birthdays come faster than you think. CLICK THE PIC to see the newest member of the Kardashian clan.

Looking for Tyra? Kanye? Me? Type a name here

POSSIBLY THE MOST BORING NEWS EVER

Actors Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts have announced that they are splitting up after 11 years of marriage. Unfortunately, they had the nerve to do so within a week of Brad and Angelina's cataclysmic split, so no one gives a shit. Plus I've never seen such craptastic acting as Naomi Watts playing Lady Diana, so if that was Liev's reason for leaving her I can't say I blame him.

FIRST-EVER PICS OF PREGNANT JANET!

I wouldn't normally give a flying nipple ring about baby bumps, but when said baby bump is sticking out of Janet Jackson's 50-year-old body, you're damn right I'm gonna blog about that. As well as gleefully note that she appears to be eating for at least two, possibly three or four. CLICK ON HER PIC to see the fruits of the paparrazis' relentless stalking of Janet … Miss Jackson if you're nasty.

SOMEONE DODGED THE GARGOYLE BULLET

Iman posted a photo of Lexi Jones, her only child with David Bowie, in honour of her 16th birthday and I am relieved to report that she is incandescently beautiful. Because it doesn't always happen that way. In fact, so many celebrity offspring defy the genetic odds that one can't help wondering if God is as morbidly obsessed with schadenfreude as I am. How else to explain celebrats that look nothing like Demi Moore and everything like Mr. Potato Head? (Sorry, Rumer Willis, I wasn't going to mention you by name but your fourteen-storey chin demanded it; that thing terrifies me!)

STOP PICKING ON SNOOP BECAUSE HE'S BLACK

Notorious pothead Snoop Dogg has accused Swedish police of racial profiling after he was briefly detained in Uppsala on suspicion of possessing weed. Police pulled him over because he “seemed to be under the influence of narcotics." (Police: Are you Snoop Dogg? Snoop: Yes. Police: GUILTY!) After his release, Snoop hit Instagram to rage that he was arrested because of racial profiling. “They made me pee in a cup – didn’t find shit,” he actually said. (No seriously. He's making this too easy.)

THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR BOTH OF US, HALLE

Halle Berry is embarking on her fourth divorce (this time from Olivier Martinez), and far be it from me to criticize her terrifying track record on relationships because my own track record is just one degree less terrifying than hers. Which leads me to conclude that the problem is not that "Halle Berry can't keep a man," but rather that so few men are worth keeping. Click the pic to see the supportive evidence. You can't argue with science.