“Let me make this clear.” Said Cain, while addressing the Sector 999 Orb of Commerce. “I did not order 100 drivers from Nebraska to drive all the way to Bolingbrook to deliver pizzas to a hot leader from Venus.”

“I feel like a UFO being hunted by skeptics. They’re trying to shoot me down, because the public likes what I say and how I say it.” Cain then added, “I started this campaign thinking it was going to be like Al Sharpton’s campaign in 2004. Instead, it’s like Barack Obama’s campaign. Only I’m a true American!”

After accepting a campaign donation, from the Orb, a reporter asked Cain again about the allegations.

“I’m only going to say this once.” Snapped Cain. “I wasn’t fully aware of our aliens friends on Earth when I owned Godfather’s. I may have authorized drivers to go outside of their assigned territory, but I don’t recall ever sending a single driver to specifically go to Clow UFO base.”

The reporter countered that its sources said that they were acting under specific order from Cain, and that Godfather’s corporate office paid for the pizzas.

“Of course we paid for the pizzas.” Cain replied. “They may have been a prank orders at first, I don’t know. All I know is that I had heard of Venus’s fiery ambassador and I know that it would have been bad manners to refuse to pay for her pizzas. I was trying to save my company’s officers from being sent to Venus. We didn’t want to ruin our exclusive contract with Venus.”

When another reporter asked how long he had know about aliens on Earth, Cain asked, “How long have you known about aliens on your world? It’s a big secret, isn’t it.”

Cain then continued, “You people are coming at me with gotcha questions. We’ll I’m ready. I’m ready if you ask me who the leader of Mars is. I’ll tell you that I don’t care. Just like I don’t care who the leader of the Soviet Union is and who the leader of Afghanistan is. It’s not important. I only care about the big issues, like getting the Orb’s 999 plan implemented on Earth. They’ve invested too much time, and planted too many implants inside me. They don’t want me to worry about trivial things. They want me to focus on the vision.

When asked if Cain had just admitted he was a pawn of the Sphere, Cain sang, “Stairway to Pizza” and walked off stage.

The prince of the Orb, then denied that Cain was a tool of the Orb.

“We respect the man and his universal support for free enterprise. We also respect his courage to run an ad featuring a man smoking. That tells us that he will reopen the US market to interstellar tobacco imports. We’re going to make a killing with Cain as president.

Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar, who wasn’t at the press conference, would only tell The Babbler, “I fully support the effort to elect a veto-proof Congress. Then it won’t matter who we elect as President!”

“If these photos, videos, and eyewitness accounts are accurate, an inadequately disguised Martian participated in a questionable public rally.” Said Paul Lang of Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.

Photos, enhanced by The Babbler, suggest that a hooded figure at the protest had an inhuman aura. Assuming the filter works, the wind didn’t shake the camera, and the conditions were ideal, the aura belongs to a Martian colonist.

Some eyewitnesses also believe the figure was not human.

Said protestor Paula K. Millington, “I was just trying to yell at the cops without being violent, when this masked guy tapped my shoulder. Lots of guys wear masks at these things, so that didn’t bother me. Then he said, ‘Excuse me, how do you breath in this thick air. Now that was weird!”

Susan Z. Parker, a member of the South Side True Socialist Party of Chicago Reformed, also had a conversation with the figure.

“I handed him a free copy of our newspaper, long live Karl Marx. He started talking about the .5 percent podlings who are destined to rule the colonies, Trotsky was wrong. He was really weird, and mask didn’t help, Mao didn’t wash his stripes!”

Conservative activists, who follow local alien activities, denounced the colonist.

“This is proof that the Occupy Everywhere movement is controlled by islamic Nazi aliens!” said Jeff E. Rand, of the Human freedom foundation. “You want to make things better? Blow up Clow UFO base when the Fed’s governors visit!”

Bruce N. Proctor, an Interstellar expert for the National Lawyers Guild, said the presence of a Martian colonist does not mean Occupy Chicago is under alien control.

“The Martian Colonies are run by a ruthless imperialist government that makes the United States look like Norway. It’s quite possible that this interplanetary resident wanted to show solidarity with humanity’s 99 percent. Instead of being racist and xenophobic, we should reach out and embrace the Colonial 99 percent. Occupy Mars shouldn’t be an internet joke. It should be a movement to liberate our solar system from imperialism.”

Lang said that Clow officials will remind that the residents aliens that they should support or oppose human protests from behind the scenes. Occupy protests are considered “Red Class” events that should be avoided.

“We understand that the message of Occupy Chicago has universal appeal. However, that doesn’t mean the entire universe should be camping out in Chicago. Some protests should be left to humanity, and this is one of them.”

“We wanted to do something different for one of the shows.” Said Steve Thomas. “Area 51 has been covered to death. Bigfoot is so 1970s. Who hasn’t done a show on Nessie? Even Leonard Nimoy did a story on Ogopogo.”

That something different is Bolingbrook’s Hidden Lakes Monster. Hidden Lakes is the smallest body of water known to have a lake monster. First spotted in 1989, the Hidden Lakes Monster is believed to be a half-duck and half-sea serpent creature. Most people only see the creature’s head and assume it is a duck.

To date, only person, a park naturalist, is believed to have been eaten by the creature. The Bolingbrook Park District denies the death, even though they advertised for a new naturalist shortly after it was reported to The Babbler.

In 1999, a famed cryptozoologist Ken Zobel tried mount an underwater expedition to find the creature. The Park District denied the request, and laughed at his claim that Hidden Lakes are really glacier lakes, and not a converted trout farm.

“The Hidden Lakes monster has all making of a great episode.” Said Thomas. “You got the Chicago demographic. You go the suburban demographic. Sure its a lake monster, but it’s set in a park, so you’re going to have the concerned parents demographic. Since it’s an endangered animal, we’ll also get the environmentalist demographic. This episode has win written all over it!”

“Belief Verses Doubt,” will try to appeal to both believers of the supernatural as well as so called skeptics.

“Most shows that have hardcore skeptics are boring and never make it past the pitch stage. Just look at ‘The Skeptologists!’ This show will be different!”

According to Thomas, BVD feature two teams of investigators, a skeptical team, and a team of believers. Episode are divided between both teams. In the end, the audience is invited to vote on which team made the most compelling case. The winning team gets an undisclosed cash prize.

“This show should get the skeptics to stop arguing with each other and log onto our web page. The skeptics will try to pump up their poll numbers. The believers will try to beat the skeptics. Everyone else will want to see what’s going on. In the end, we’ll end up with high ratings!”

Monday, October 10, 2011

“The signs are obvious!” Said Rev. Steve Redman. “He would never leave us without saying, ‘there's one more thing!’ There is one more thing, and he will reveal it to us next year.

Redman cites the blog posts of his assistant, Rev. Steve Jonas. According to Jonas, Apple is leaving clues to Job’s return.

“First is the name of the new iPhone.” Said Jonas. “iPhone 4S. iPhone. For. S. S meaning Steve. iPhone for Steve! That means the iPhone for Steve is a prelude to the return of Steve Jobs! That’s what Apple is telling us!”

Jonas believes that if enough people buy the iPhone 4S, and are comfortable with the new voice assistant feature, Siri, Apple will release an iPhone 5 next year. He also believes he knows when the iPhone 5 will be released.

“The clue is in the 4S’s chip! The A2! Why call it an A2? Because ‘A’ is the name of the month it will be released. April is too soon to release a new phone. So they have to release it in August!”

As for his 6 PM prediction, Jonas says it is also obvious.

“Siri is really a code word for six! Apple announces their products in the afternoon. So it must be 6 PM. Only the Windows sheeple will fail to see this obvious sign!”

Redman believes he knows what Jobs will say on every iPhone 5 that fateful day.

“He will announce that death is a state of being that we should embrace as much as we embrace life. He’ll say that we must live life to the fullest if we want the best possible afterlife. Then he’ll say, ‘there’s one more thing.’ Then he’ll introduce iDeath! It will change the way we experience the afterlife!”

Another Naperville priest, Rev. Steve Shaw has a more moderate opinion.

Larry, an employee at the Naperville Apple Store, didn’t answer this reporter’s question about the alleged return of Steve Jobs.

“If you want to find out, I would suggest lining up outside of our store to buy the new iPhone and accessories on October 14th. At the very least, you can honor the man by buying the last product he was involved with. Of course, all you Android users might want to stop by to feel the spirit of Jobs flowing through you! It is never to late to repent!”

Bolingbrook was originally a cover for Clow UFO Base, the largest urban UFO base in the world. The powers that be expected little from 5,300 residents. Little did they know that great things were ahead for their creation.

Today, Bolingbrook has a population of 73,366, and widely considered the most important village in the galaxy. Far from being camouflage, Bolingbrook is a hub of interstellar commerce and power. Mayor Roger Claar is one of humanity’s most recognized leaders among the alien races. Many still talk about his military victory over space terrorists. Others talk about his frequent trips to their home worlds. All are talking about Bolingbrook!

For 46 years, Bolingbrook has grown into a shining star, and 46 years, The Babbler has covered that growth. While Patch and the other local publications try to cover up Bolingbrook’s uniqueness, we’ve been exposing the unbelievable truth. Because unlike those so-called local publications, we know you can handle the truth!

So happy birthday, Bolingbrook. We know that the best is yet to come, and we look forward to recording your amazing story!

Monday, October 3, 2011

Could Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar one day walk into his office and see thousands of protesters wearing Guy Fawkes masks behind the Bob Bailey Town Center? Not without a fight, say sources within the village.

Village officials, say the sources, are following the recent Occupy protests around the country. What started as a protest outside of Wall Street, has grown to a national movement and threatens to go global.

“If we don’t prepare,” said one relative of a village staffer, “We could be flooded with protesters by November 5th!”

The sources fear that once there are protests in all major cities, young people in the suburbs will decide they’re “cool” and start protesting. Bolingbrook could be paralyzed by daily marches and constant cyber attacks.

“Roger didn’t spend 25 years making Bolingbrook a pro-business community, only to have some punks tear it down!” said one source.

“They’re already in Chicago.” Said the wife of another source. “Who knows when they’ll be here?”

Many feel that protests will be limited due to the layout of Bolingbrook. The lack of a downtown and busy streets will limit any attempts at a march. The only major gathering location, behind Town Center, is conveniently located next to the police station.

According to a police officer, “We could conduct massive arrests in minutes instead of hours, like most major communities. We wouldn’t even need pens if we had to stray pepper spray. The pound will keep people herded in the right direction.”

Steve, a close confidant to Claar, said the mayor wasn’t fully aware of the extent of the threat.

“I told him that we could have protests in Bolingbrook unless we acted. He didn’t look up from his laptop. He just said, ‘Arrest Bonnie!’ I told him these were 1960s style protesters. That got his attention.”

Sources say the village is now taking additional precautions. Stores are being warned not to sell camping gear to people whose hair is “either too long or too short.” Valley View School District will have a special “Guy Fawkes Truth Day,” to highlight his anti-democracy views. The village has also asked Redbox to hold back any videos that “promote or highlight any revolutions.”

Villages fear what will happen if the Occupy protesters take over.

“They believe in consensus rule.” Said a village employee. “Can you imagine what would happen if Roger, Cedra Crenshaw, and Bob had to agree on any resolution? There aren’t enough hand signals in the world that could resolve the differences between them!”

When asked to comment, Claar chuckled, and said, “I’m sure the world would end before the residents of Bolingbrook would riot. Remember, I am Bolingbrook, and I don’t riot!”

Also in The Babbler:

Crenshaw: No gay marriages at Clow UFO Base

Giant Moles tunnel towards other streets

Anti-psychic kitty: Cats do have feelings, just like humans, only better!

Welcome to The Bolingbrook Babbler

From illegal space aliens to the local weredeer population, we cover the stories the mainstream media won't cover! Since 1965, we've always told the truth about Bolingbrook, and its surrounding communities. To contact the webmaster, send your e-mail to bolingbrookbabbler@gmail.com. The Babbler reserves the right to print all messages.