Friday, November 25, 2005

Well, I’d promised a friend that I haven’t seen for a while that I’d get a digital photo taken of my new slimmer self, but I forgot it again. I spent half a day Thanksgiving at my sister’s house and still forgot to get it done. She or my brother in law would have been happy enough to do it, but I just can’t remember anything these days, not even things for my own convenience. I recently was in need of a simple indoor extension cord so that I could conveniently use my hair dryer, but I consistently forgot it for three weeks, even including multiple trips to Wal-Mart and other stores where I could have purchased one. Sometimes I wonder if I’m brain-dead. If I even get the photo done for my friend, I’ll probably post it here as well. People tell me I should post more pictures, though no one said they all have to be photos of me. Meanwhile, onward through the fog!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

My eyesight improved a small bit yesterday and today, so I'm hopeful about this treatment. The doctor today seemed to think the eye had improved about 10%. To me, that's a lot. He will look at it again in December. If it does well, the other eye will be treated too. I almost don't know how to stop being worried about it, I'm so surprised! But it's not over yet.

Friday, November 18, 2005

I used to never be sick except for head colds or an occasional scratch or scrape on my skin. They weren’t much fun at the time, but I guess now they were “the good old days”. I remember I tried to pretend that the colds didn’t exist or that I didn’t have to modify my behavior for them. Even if I used up a ton of Kleenex boxes in the process, I’d just keep going. I’d drop the Kleenexes at my feet or throw them willy-nilly in the back seat of the car and just keep going. I was the Energizer Bunny with a snotty nose. I remember once when I had a cold I gave a ride to a young woman who was unaware of my habits. As we progressed on the errand, she became increasingly conscious of the hundreds of tissues in the car. When she realized how full the back seat floorboard was, she visibly shuddered. I’d never thought of it that way, but I guess she was right. I was repellent. I was embarrassed. While she ran her errand, I cleaned every tissue out of the car so that she wouldn’t have to see them on the return ride. I was a good boy that trip, but I didn’t exactly become a Neat Freak from then on. Years went by before I actually stopped being so nasty. I wasn’t that way all the time, but if I had a cold, I was. If I was sick, I didn’t give a damn.

It’s hard to fight against those old habits even now, but I do. I wash my clothes. I pick up behind myself. However, I don’t sort, stack, or fold too well. My laundry may or may not leave the laundry basket. Medicine bottles and other items are strewn across my dresser top as if they were empty beer bottles. I don’t actually collect such bottles or Coke cans any more, though. I guess I’m afraid of breeding roaches or ants. And, fortunately, cigarette butts don’t follow me every step of my way any more. I quit smoking ten years ago, but now is when I’ve begun to be really sick. I don't know if I'm paying for my sins late in life, but it's possible. It doesn’t make sense, but Life doesn’t have to make sense. Shit happens. That’s the popular phrase. I guess it’s fairly accurate.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I tried to sidestep or delay it, but then I talked to the medical practitioner and he has little doubt about sending me for gastrointerology tests and doing so however soon it can be done. I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's worrisome. It's more complication, yet maybe it's the way to find out what's wrong. It's too much illness at once, though. I was already worried about not seeing very well. I felt beat down enough just by that. I'm getting tired of thinking of nothing but feeling ill. Maybe the only way out of it is through it--but Christ, there's another damn saying i could live without.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Went to the eye doctor today and he injected some chemical into my eye that's supposed to slowly help. It may be a couple of weeks or more to see an improvement, if then. So I don't know much. I can't see much either. It's on the verge of being depressing. Life's no fun when you never start to see better as the day wears on. Oh, well. I still see, but not with any clarity, far or near. Shitfire.

Friday, November 11, 2005

There is no more evasive bastard in the universeThan one’s self, I’m fairly certain of that, And I expect it to remain so, More of less, from now until the end,If time has an end, which maybe it does not,

Can’t tell.

There is no more sticky business or sneaky maneuver in the universeThan one’s own, and if that’s all you can hope forYou’re doomed maybe to beat your own trumpet, Haba whosit, stroke your own woody,What’s the difference, you may askAs long as it’s stiff,

Can’t tell that either To anyone who may ask Except yourselfAnd you’re sick of it..

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Jill says she's all right, but that Ft. Lauderdale is like a war zone and everyone's still shell shocked. I can imagine. More and more Americans are starting to know that feeling this year with so many storms! So I don't know any details, but am glad to hear she's not hurt! Now I can go back to worrying about just me!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

I wonder if there’s really more to worry about these days or if I’m starting to miss the Zoloft?

Days later: I don’t tell much these days, but perhaps today I will. Went to the doctor today and discussed several things. First, convinced myself and him that I shouldn’t be off all antidepressants, so now I’m on Prozac. I was becoming rather rabid and unable to relax or sleep at night. Too nervous to tolerate. Maybe I’ll get better now. The generic is not as expensive as I would have thought. Hope I’m not allergic! Hope I stop being a rattlesnake. Had blood taken again for more blood work at the doctor’s. They are still searching for why I fatigue so easily and keep losing weight. They also gave me a package that tests my stool for presence of blood; you can imagine how much fun that is going to be. I’ll leave out those details. It may not be a problem; they say they just like to rule that out early. If they don’t rule it out, I guess I may faint. I may be more of a sissy than they know.

I got some more horribly expensive eye drop medicine from the eye doctor (God bless those free sample ones!). I’ll have enough (5 ml.) to take until I go back to the doctor next week and get examined again. I’m glad I was being careful with the drops, but I sure didn’t know it was $15 per ml. Crap, that’s worse than some of the hundred-dollar shots I’ve had! Or pills that were $100 per week or month for a supply! If George Bush would just give away diabetic drugs for free or cheap, I’d let him kill all the Arabs he wanted, but there’s no such deal in effect. George isn’t even passing out any cheap gasoline, so I don’t suppose he means to make anybody happy! Well, with Prozac, maybe I’ll get happy and not care who else may die. I'd turn in all the rest of you to the thought police not to find out I have colon cancer.

Monday, November 07, 2005

I used to think The Magus author John Fowles was about the hippest human being on the planet. Looking back on it much later, after I was decades older, I still liked the book,but realized it was because I had been a young man reading a young man's book about a young man's take on the world. Reading along, I thought I was like the magus and was above the fray. I think I've been much more like the victim in the novel. I was and have remained that young man, being manipulated every which way. Watching machinations and illusions. Wish it was better. I am still a fool, I guess, and shouldn't even be much ashamed of it. But there it is. What can I do?

Sorry to hear your're dead, John, hope you had friends and all who will miss you.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

I haven’t used the Ratzoid blog since before I found out I had diabetes, before Wilma, Rita, and Katrina, and so forth. It’s been so many months I can’t remember my username or my password. I doubt I told anyone what they were. I don’t so far recall that I wrote them down. Maybe they’re lost forever. Do I look like a man who gives a shit? I didn’t think so. It's a pissant problem to be resolved at a later date. Meanwhile, onward through the fog.

I know Jill’s sister, Teri, but I lost track of any address for her when she moved a couple of months ago from California to Colorado. I finally realized that when Jill sent me wedding pictures of Teri’s daughter, there might have been useful info there. Sure enough, there was another email address on it, I don’t know who, but I’ve written them on the assumption they’re a family friend unknown to me. Maybe that unknown party knows what’s what or can put me in touch with Teri again! It may be my only chance, except to wait and wait.

Friday, November 04, 2005

I have a long-time friend (30 years) who was in Florida before Wilma and was threatening to stay in Ft. Lauderdale because she and her boyfriend did not think it was going to amount to much. They are boaters. I haven't heard from her since. I realize it may not be easy to get to email. I hope she's just lazy or just something like that, but I'm worried. I even tried looking up various combinations of her name and other terms to see if she was in the news as a casualty. No, apparently not. I guess that was good news. I'm still worried. She's one of the best people in the world. I don't want to have to miss her forever.

"God Damn It" and all possible variations. No exceptions. Some exemptions for age (youth), but that's all. Damn the rest!I'm vitriolic, spiteful, and hateful. The same, the same, you say? Feels different every day to me, though. I'm a ratbastard; thought that was understood from the start.