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In a study performed and published by the Colonel earlier this month, six out of every six dentists surveyed agreed that regular consumption of Colonel articles significantly improves dental health. The study, which surveyed a simple random sample of Fayette County dental hygienists, asked the participants to answer “true” or “false” to questions such as: “I believe that reading the Colonel more frequently than twice a week can lead to fuller gums”; “I believe that individuals that visit the Colonel website are less likely to develop serious enamel problems than individual who do not”; and “the Colonel is, in my opinion, a viable alternative to flossing.” Statistical analysis of the data suggests that all of the prompts, including the all-encompassing “I believe that reading the Colonel will improve your dental health,” were claimed to be true by exactly six out of every six of the subjects. The participants, each of whom was paid $500 upon satisfactory completion of the seven-question study, all declined to comment.