DO THE STARS REMEMBER?
I put a bandage on a little boy’s knee (which little boy?)
The lead singer from Def Leppard – he lived near me
He slipped on some ice at the end of our drive
If it wasn’t for me he might now not be alive

But do the stars remember
As the thronging masses cheer
The little people who helped them
On the road to their chosen career?

I stopped a bus for Sebastian Coe
He couldn’t catch it for he was too slow
So I put my hand out and caused it to stop
As Seb got on he said ‘Phew, thanks a lot!’

(Everybody – with harmonies, if you can do harmonies.
If you can’t then please don’t or it’ll sound horrible)

Do the stars remember
As the thronging masses cheer
The little people who helped them
On the road to their chosen career?

THE GARDEN CENTRE OF EDEN
In the garden centre I could live
Beyond the patio I’d never need to go
For everything this Earth has got to give
To help me through the day is on display
I’d make my bed in a feather-edged shed
And I’d never get fed
Up or down

By the village pump I would contemplate
Never get irate or glum
And by the village pump I would sit and wait
For the other villagers to come
In the garden centre what a happy soul I’d become.

MARY MARY
Mary Mary
When I met you I was wary
You looked just like a fairy
But I could see that you were contrary

Mary Mary
When I met you I was wary
You said my arms were hairy
Now that was unnecessary

THE HONEY BEE
Go down on your knee to the honey bee
For she is very nice
Before you kill her with a rolled up Mirror
Think twice
How will that bee’s mother feel
When she finds out her child is a ghost?
Kill the bee and ultimately
You’ll have nothing to spread on your toast

MODERN MAN
I’m a modern man
I’m a modern man
I do the household chores whenever I can

I’m a modern man
I’m a modern man
I do the washing up
Apart from the frying pan (‘cause its best to leave that to soak for a while isn’t it?)

Then on a Saturday morning I take
An hour or two out of my life
To go shopping with Mary, my wife

MISSING MARY
Mary I am missing you
Missing you, missing you
Wishing to be kissing you
But unfortunately I can’t

Mary I am missing you
Missing you, missing you
Wishing to be kissing you
But you’re visiting a poorly aunt

SAVE THE WHALE
Save the whale
Its, fins, its hump, its tail
Stop the slaughter, don’t you think you ought ter
Save the whale?

We don’t have to kill the whale
To have a lovely time
There are lots of other fish
Upon which we can dine
Pilchards in tomato sauce-
An old favourite of mine
And tuna chunks in brine
And tuna chunks in brine

Don’t be naughty Norway
To kill the whale’s a crime
There are lots of other fish
Upon which you can dine
Have you tried a cod portion
In parsley sauce – divine!
And tuna chunks in brine
And tune chunks in brine.

(Everybody!)

Save the whale
Its fins, its hump, its tail
Stop the slaughter
Don’t you think you ought to save the whale…

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Mary had a little lamb Green beans and new potatoes
I had tuna and sweetcorn flan
We served ourselves – no waiters
(because it was a carvery you see)

Ken plumped for the shepherd’s pie
I said ‘Ken, you’re outrageous’
For he had piled his plate sky high
To eat it took him ages

We had a carafe of sweet white wine
And Ken had a gin and tonic
There was a giraffe for children to climb
Though no children were on it…

Mary had a little lamb
But that was her big folly
For she was finished when it came
To viewing the sweet trolley
A substantial main meal would have made
A sweet unnecessary
As it was she suffered
‘Rigor Mortis by Raspberry’!

CAN YOU KEN KEN?
You’re like a halo – you go above some people’s heads
You’re like a biro – sometimes you’re blue and sometimes red
You’re like a Volvo – you keep your lights on in the day
Like a last Rolo – you rarely give yourself away

You’re like a Polo – you’re hole is grater than your parts
But you’re not like Eric Bristow – ie. You’re terrible at darts
You’re like a peanut – you sometimes end up on the floor
You’re like a teacup – you’re not a mug and that’s for sure

You’re like you, like you
And no other comparison will do
You’re like you, like you
Not quite but close enough for you to sue

Can you ken Ken?
Can you ken Ken?
You may be able to cancan but can you ken Ken?

YOU’RE LIKE MANCHESTER
You’re like Manchester
You’ve got Strangeways
But you’ve got Styal too
And I miss you while I’m away

You’re as pretty as that city
In autumn too
And you’re like Manchester
‘Cause I love you

You’re like Manchester
You’ve got Strangeways
You are my queen and like a
Certain town
Will always rain!

You’re as pretty as that city
In autumn too
And you’re like Manchester
‘Cause I love you

But if you’re like Manchester
Don’t you Cheetam me
If I Rusholme to find you’ve been in
Whalley’s Range I won’t be pleased

My Belle Vue of the world
Will become a Fallowfield
But I know that I can trust yer
You’re like Manchester…

UP AND DOWN LIKE A BRIDE’S NIGHTIE
I’m up and down like a bride’s nightie
I’m up and down and I don’t know why – ee – oo
I’m happy and then I’m blue

I don’t know why I feel so high
Then suddenly go so low
I don’t know what to do to stop
My moods from swinging
From ecstatic to stinking and back –

I’m up and down like a bride’s nightie
Up and down and it’s most unlike me – oo
I’m happy and then I’m blue
Maybe it has happened to you

THE ISLE OF ARRAN
I’ve got a son called Darren
And a daughter whose name is Karen
Without them my life would be barren
Like living on the Isle of Arran

Now Darren used to be a nuisance
But since he started work at the off-licence
He’s out until twelve, his hair is nicely gelled
And we get on really well
Yes he’s a true prince

Karen plays the recorder
And composes pretty tunes to order
And when she was small
She threw some gravel at a wall
Though she thought she was alone
In fact I saw her

THE MAN WHO LIVED ON THE M62
I’m thinking about my past
And silly things I’ve done
Things from which I’ve wanted to run

Once I planed a door
That was fouling on the floor
Now the wind comes whistling through
A gap that wasn’t there before

A strip of beading I secured
With non-returning screws
Is I notice slightly proud
But there’s nothing I can do

Life’s a tricky trip
And no one gets a map
Every road you take may
Turn out to be a cul-de-sac
Too late to worry now
I can’t turn back the clock
At least I can cross the road
To get to the corner shop

And I feel like the man who lives
On that farm which sits
In the middle of the M62
I thought it would be all right
Now I can’t sleep at night
Some things you cannot undo

WHAT’S A SHUTTLEWORTH?
Walk along the beaches
See the mucky surf
Now who caused this pollution?
There is no clear solution
And it’s going to get much worse

Look at the rainforest’s
Ever-shrinking girth
I know you like mahogany
But pine is just as lovely
And it doesn’t cost the earth

Why are there always so many battles
Taking place?
If the world was being run by you, me,
Or even Ken Worthington
There’d be no need to own a gun
Well, only in one case…
To start a running race
Come on, chase me!

And what about the motorways
Carving up the turf
I know there is a traffic queue
But I’d rather wait a while, thank you
Than lose the land I love

What’s the point in going faster
When the road leads to disaster
What’s a shuttle worth?

Look into my spectacles
See the look of love
And maybe you’ll see something else
A little reflection of yourself

But are we any closer
To solving the poser
What’s a Shuttleworth

SHOPKEEPERS IN THE NORTH ARE NICE
When I go shopping in the North I find
The service is always splendid
A friendly smile you can count on while
The right change is being tended

If anyone dares criticise their wares
They never will be offended
If it needs repairs they’ll even lend you theirs
While yours are being mended

Shopkeepers I the North are nice
They ask after your kids and wife
And when you’ve had a good chin-wag
They’ll pop your provisions in your bag

EGGS AND GAMMON
Ken had some eggs and gammon
At a restaurant in Rhyll
Then he went with his wife, Rhiannon
To the campsite on the hill
The night was very windy
Though outside it was still

POOR KEN
Poor Ken, Poor Ken
He’s all on his own a-gain
Poor Ken, poor Ken
His spirit has been bro-ken

ROMEO OAP
I don’t want to be
A Romeo OAP
Ringing girls up for a date
On numbers that begin 0898

CRUST OF BREAD (LYRICS BY KEN WORTHINGTON)
I feel like the crust of bread everyone despises
Always being rejected for more tasty looking slices
The only consolation for being so forgotten
Is knowing that I’m going to meet another crust at the bottom

HAVE YOU SEEN MY WIFE?
‘Hey, have you seen my wife?’
I said ‘Hey hey have you seen her?’
She left me after a row
It was over a vacuum cleaner
I said ‘What’s wrong with a broom?’
And she said something obscener
‘Oh, Mary, please come back
I’ll buy you a vacuum cleaner’

HOW TO BE HAPPY IN A SAD, SAD WORLD
How to be happy in a sad, sad world
It’s incredibly easy
And to tell you will please me

Go caravanning in Clwyd or Dyfed
Order a pizza and have it delivered
How to be happy in a sad, sad world

You should be thankful for your lot
The friends and neighbours you have got
But what if you live in Sarajevo?
Yes, well, fortunately we do not

Visit a friend in a home or a hospice
Go to the zoo and say ‘Boo!’ to the ostrich
How to be happy in a sad, sad world

I WANT TO BE A COMMUNITY LEADER (EXRACT)
I supervise ping-pong at the drop-in centre
I’ve a tiny little office which no one else may enter
Unless an injury has been sustained
Then they can whilst I administer first aid

DARREN
I will attend you when you’re very ill
Plump the pillows beneath your head
I’ll undertake your burial
Or my wife Mary will
If I’m already dead

Hush now my child, lie you very still
Eat your tomato soup
And soft white bread
For I’ll undertake your burial
Or my wife Mary will
If I’m already dead