Q & A for Teens: Mom, You Talk Too Much

My teenaged son says I talk too much. How do I know if he’s right?

I’m not a teenager, but I have a teenaged son, so I wanted to ask your advice. My son tells me I talk too much. How do I know if he’s right or not?

Lauren Roth's Answer

Yes, dear readers, this was an actual question, asked to me by an actual teenager’s mother. She gave me permission to share her question with all of you, so that you can be privy to the important answer.

The tension between deciding what to think for ourselves and when to listen to others comprises the beautiful cognitive process of “Being a Human Being.” What I mean is this: we are fully and completely human and alive by virtue of the fact that we are constantly engaged in this process of balancing our own thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and preferences with the thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and preferences of other people.

If someone tells us, “You’re being mean,” “You’re being insensitive,” “You’re too assertive,” “You’re not assertive enough,” “You’re too lazy,” “You’re too driven,” “You’re rude,” or “You talk too much,” a delicate balance ensues, if we are living life properly. The delicate balance is between (a) having the self-confidence to decide what I think about the topic; and, (b) having the self-confidence to honestly consider, as a real, viable option, what the other person has said about me.

If every time someone tells me something about myself, I shut myself off from them with walls of denial, saying or thinking things like “Nuh UH! I do NOT do THAT,” I will never learn from my mistakes and I will never improve.

We show the people around us that we care about them when we respectfully listen to and care about their opinions. We show self-respect when we intelligently consider our own opinion on the matter, as well. It’s a delicate balance between self-respect and respect for others.

“The Right Thing” and “The Truth” are often not set in stone. We may have actually done nothing wrong, but if our words or actions hurt a friend or loved one, we have to accept that our words or actions actually hurt them. I cannot respond, “But I’m RIGHT,” when I have hurt someone. As a good human being, my response to “You hurt me” has to be: “I feel so bad that I hurt you! Please tell me how I hurt you, so that I can not do it any more.” Right and wrong in the absolute sense do not matter when my friend’s, my husband’s, my son’s, my daughter’s reality is that I have hurt them.

In your situation, I have a few points to make. (1) You can think about whether or not you agree that you talk too much. Now that your son has pointed this out to you, perhaps pay attention to your speech patterns, and notice whether other people seem to be fed up with your loquaciousness. You might decide your son’s assessment is not correct. You might find out that his perception is shared by others. You can decide how to proceed with improving yourself or staying just as you are by noticing the characteristic he has told you about, and pondering the veracity of his statement.

(2) It’s important to respect others’ opinions and thoughts, as I have written extensively above; it’s also important to be respectful when you are pointing out that someone has hurt you, and it’s especially important when you’re telling this to a parent, a teacher, or an elder. I hope that when your son told you his opinion, he was deferential, respectful, and honored his mother as a son should. The only way to respectfully, deferentially, and honorably tell a parent something like this is to say, “Mom, can I talk to you?” And wait for her to acquiesce. Then you can proceed, and say, “I feel so bad saying this, and it may not be my place, but there is something that you do which hurts my feelings. May I tell you?” And wait for your mother to acquiesce before you proceed. If she gives you permission, then you can continue: “I sometimes get a little frustrated that you talk a lot, and I don’t get to voice my own opinions.”

It’s everyone’s job to be respectful of everyone else, even when you’re telling them how they have hurt you.

And if we are to improve our character (which, I would posit, is the reason for our being here, alive, in this world), we have to listen respectfully and with an open mind when people tell us about the imperfections they perceive in us.

Personally, I have learned so much from my husband and my children. How? Because whenever I hurt them, they tell me. And I try my hardest to avoid denial and to listen, with an open mind, to what they are telling me. I usually say something like: “Hmmm. I didn’t realize that. Thank you for telling me how you feel. Let me think about it and notice what I’m doing. I love you, and I thank you!” And there are good feelings all around. I feel like I got a free lesson in self-improvement, and my children or husband feel respected and heard.

There’s a great note from my 6-year-old daughter that I keep on my fridge. It says, “Dear Mommy, Please, can you not be stressed? I like you better the other way.”

Our friends and loved ones are often our greatest teachers about how we can improve, IF we are willing to respectfully listen to what they have to say and to thoughtfully consider the ideas they have presented.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Lauren Roth, MSW, LSW, is a graduate of Princeton University, and an inspirational speaker across North America and on the high seas. Mrs. Roth and her husband, Rabbi Dr. Daniel Roth, are the parents of six children.

Here is the mother thinking about herself and not her son. Five times she wrote I (me me me) into that question and want to know if her son is right in saying his mother talks too much. Of course he is right. It's his opinion. Listen to him. Did she ask him why he feels that way? Listen to his answer and then respect his opinion and be quiet.

Hayley S.,
March 21, 2015 12:23 AM

Thank You

You are right. Bad parents are the ones that don't listen, and let their arrogance and ignorance take over. "Mother is always right" is a divisive, damaging mantra.

R,
December 20, 2015 2:05 AM

While of course talking too much isn't nice either, it bothers me WAY more when it's at the wrong time. Being interrupted in the middle of trying to answer their own question is the worst. "Oh how did that work out?" "Well I --" "You better not have . . ." Look. Do you want the answer or no?

(8)
Anonymous,
January 19, 2013 8:27 AM

now and later

Ask them what they mean.
When they turn 30 see if they are still telling you the same thing.

(7)
Anonymous,
January 14, 2013 12:52 PM

Talking too much is a bad HABIT

Some people just like to hear themselves talk because the more they talk, the LESS they have to listen. I hate being around people who are not interested in having a give-and-take conversation and for the most part I now make sure not to subject myself to that type of abuse. I call it abuse because sometimes it feels like being pelted with verbal stones. Please do not talk over me, please do not interrupt me, please do not always think that what you have to say is more important than what I have to say. If you don't like listening, consider not engaging in "conversation" (I thought a "conversation was for at least two people). Yes, you might forget what you wanted to say, but so what...we ALL forget what we wanted to say sometimes. When I hear someone monopolize the talk, it reminds me of a driver running over people with his car because, according to him, he's in a hurry. Is that an excuse? Try not interrupting someone when they are trying to get a point across next time. If you can't control yourself, you have your answer: you DO talk too much.

(6)
Daniel,
January 13, 2013 7:23 PM

Teenagers are processing a lot

I used to teach mechanical skills to teenagers.
Like life skills and social skills, from experience there were many details which I figured were worth knowing, and I would try to convey these in my lessons.
My students would also commonly say, "you talk too much".
I came to the understanding that teens are processing a lot as they grow, and more words were not always what they needed.
It was more effective to be succinct, and make a clear point about what was relevant at the time, in the situation. After giving them some time to process, I would also make reference to something further which would be worth knowing, to hopefully spare them some scraped knuckles or damaged machinery in the future.
The fact is, though, that some things they were just going to need to learn from experience. Piling on lots of talk, in the hope that I could save them from those sorts of negative experiences, it seemed only led to them closing their ears.
I don't know, is this relevant?

(5)
Ignatz,
January 13, 2013 6:57 PM

She probably does . . . and has no idea!

Good column. In my experience, many moms talk far more than is helpful to their teenaged sons, especially when much of the content is rebuke/challenge/nag/anxiety. These moms end up "training" their sons to tune out their words, to distance themslves emotionally, or, worse, to dislike their mothers! She might want to try artificially making a number of positive comments every day for a few weeks and then see whether things have improved any.

(4)
Sandra Wosk,
January 13, 2013 5:12 PM

Ya right..!!!!

I disagree with this whole answer... all my life I raised my kids to be loving caring people.. or thought I had. I always asked their opinions I always cared what they told me. Guess what??? I have four of the most horrible kids in the world. Not only do they disrespect me but they constantly make me feel like I owe them a living and I should pay and pay and pay to keep them happy.. Your children should not be allowed to voice their opinions until they know what an 'opinion" is..I now have four fully adult kids who can not cope with reality unless MOMMY pays for everything and does it all so they don't have to... What are my kids doing?/ Still complaining that I should do more for them.. Not amused .....

Fayt,
January 14, 2013 5:52 PM

Your children are terrible....why?

Why are you still giving and giving if your children are as "horrible" as you say they are!!!!! Children must behave respectfully to parents no matter how old they are. By giving in to their demands, you are crippling them. Let them become independent, and if they cannot, then they need to find ways to improve themselves - be it through therapy, work training, etc. You must set limits to your giving.

Goldie,
January 15, 2013 2:23 AM

Not Surprised

Hearing the tone of voice you are using in this response to Lauren's article; I am not in the least bit surprised your children backfired on their upbringing. I don't think Lauren meant that you should "give your kids whatever they want". I think she meant you should allow them an opinion, a voice, a say.
Not always do we allow them to get what they want; but knowing they can ask creates a healthy balance.
Rethink the way you claim to have gone in the way Lauren suggested. Reread her article.
She gives good and true advice. If you find it unreal, you are simply reading it wrong.
Best of Luck

(3)
Anonymous,
January 13, 2013 4:58 PM

consider the source?

I cannot think of a single time someone said, "You talk too much." and it was actually about the number of words being said. It's been about not wanting to hear what was said, rejecting the ideas said, or a retaliatory put-down, due to feelings of embarrassment / anger or inability / unwillingness to understand. The most painful reason was my misogynistic ex-husband's, who said it "to keep me in my place," and to set an example for my sons regarding women. I am sure it must have been said nicely some time in history, I just never heard it.

(2)
Talia,
January 13, 2013 4:33 PM

Hurt Feelings

This is really Divine Providence. I have a hyper-sensitive teenage son. He so easily gets hurt it's very trying to conduct an interpersonal relationship with him. At least now he tells me when I have unwittingly hurt him. This Shobbos I had asked him to do something and got angry from his lack of response. It turned out he didn't respond because he was "hurt" by the way I asked him or more correctly how he would have liked to be asked. Although I didn't see anything wrong in how I asked him, I was obliged to apologise. In the case above you're assuming that the kid is "hurt". Maybe he's annoyed, irritated, or not getting the response he needs. Can't know unless you ask him.

(1)
Sharon,
January 13, 2013 10:58 AM

get real!

Do you really imagine for a moment that this lady's son expressed his opinion in the manner you described?! Knowing people in this generation, I'm guessing this is highly unlikely. Anyway you assume his claim of her talking too much regarded only their own relationship, though it's more likely that he was describing the mother's general talkative quality. She should probably ask her friends their opinion to get a more objective opinion. Kids have a tendency to be super conscious and critical of their parents' behaviour and she might not have any objective problem at all.

Bill,
January 13, 2013 4:35 PM

Where have I heard this before?

"Do you really imagine for a moment that this lady's son expressed his opinion in the manner you described?! Knowing people in this generation, I'm guessing this is highly..." *LIKELY*.
While entirely possible that the mother does, in fact, talk altogether too much, it is every bit as likely that she is saying things that the teen doesn't want to hear. Teens are notorious for thinking that they know everything. Anything said against what the teen wants to be true is going taken only with great resistance.
One must learn to speak in such a way that the other hears. For the parent and resisting teen this can be a very difficult conversation.
The fact that the "question" was phrased in only 2 sentences seems to suggest that I am far more loquacious than the mom!

jen price,
January 14, 2013 4:19 AM

i agree!

My 16 year old son told me this same thing... but not because I talk so much as he doesn't want to listen to what I have to say!

I want to know about the concept of "sin" due to Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of Knowledge. The Christian concept of sin revolves around the fall of the man and the "original sin." Does Judaism view it the same way?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Adam and Eve were punished according to their actions. In other words, God laid down the conditions for Adam and Eve to live in the garden, provided they would not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. However, if they were to eat from that tree they would be punished by experiencing death. (If they had not eaten from the tree, they would have remained immortal.)

This sets down the basic principle in Judaism of Reward and Punishment. Basic to this is that every person has the choice of doing good or bad. When a person chooses "good" – as defined by God – he is able to draw close to God. In other words, every individual has a chance to "gain salvation" through his own actions.

My understanding of Christianity, however, is that the Original Sin has infected all of mankind to the point where individuals are incapable of achieving salvation through their own initiative. Man is "totally depraved" and therefore his only hope of salvation is through the cross.

This belief is contrary to the teachings of Judaism. From the Torah perspective, an individual does not need to rely on anyone else to atone for them. In Judaism, sins can be "erased" altogether by sincere repentance and a firm resolution never to repeat the mistakes.

For more on this, read "Their Hollow Inheritances" by Michael Drazin – www.drazin.com

Yahrtzeit of Moses in 1273 BCE (Jewish year 2488), on the same day of his birth 120 years earlier. (Consequently, "May you live to 120" has become a common Jewish blessing.) Moses was born in Egypt at a time when Pharaoh had decreed that all Jewish baby boys be drowned in the Nile River. His mother set him afloat in a reed basket, where he was -- most ironically -- discovered by Pharaoh's daughter and brought to Pharaoh's palace to be raised. When Moses matured, his heart turned to aid the Jewish people; he killed an Egyptian who was beating a Jew, and he fled to Midian where he married and had two sons. God spoke to Moses at the Burning Bush, instructing him to return to Egypt and persuade Pharaoh to "let My people go." Moses led the Jews through the ten plagues, the Exodus, and the splitting of the Red Sea. Seven weeks later, the Jews arrived at Mount Sinai and received the Torah, the only time in human history that an entire nation experienced Divine revelation. Over the next 40 years, Moses led the Jews through wanderings in the desert, and supervised construction of the Tabernacle. Moses died before being allowed to enter the promised Land of Israel. He is regarded as the greatest prophet of all time.

Lack of gratitude is at the root of discontent. In order to be consistently serene, we must master the attribute of being grateful to the Creator for all His gifts. As the Torah (Deuteronomy 26:11) states, "Rejoice with all the good the Almighty has given you." This does not negate our wanting more. But it does mean that we have a constant feeling of gratitude since as long as we are alive, we always have a list of things for which to be grateful.

[Just before Moses' death] God said to him, "This is the Land that I promised to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob" (Deuteronomy 34:4).

The Midrash says that Moses pleaded to live long enough to be able to enter the Promised Land. He surrendered his soul only after God instructed him to enter Heaven and inform the Patriarchs that the Israelites had come to their Land and that God had indeed fulfilled His promise to give the Land of Israel to their descendants. To fulfill God's will was dearer to Moses than his craving to enter the Land.

It is only natural to cling to life, and the thought of leaving this world is depressing. However, if a person develops the attitude that he lives only in order to fulfill God's will, then life and death are no longer polar opposites, because he lives to do the will of God, and when that will requires that he leave this world, he will be equally obedient.

The seventh day of Adar is the anniversary of Moses' death. He wanted to enter the Promised Land so that he could fulfill the commandments and thereby have a new opportunity to fulfill the Divine wish. He surrendered his soul willingly when he was told that there was a special commandment for him to perform, one that could only be achieved after leaving this earth.

We refer to Moses as Rabbeinu, our teacher. He not only taught us didactically, but by means of everything he did in his life - and by his death, as well.

Today I shall...

try to dedicate my life to fulfilling the will of God, so that even when that will contradicts my personal desires, I can accept it with serenity.

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