Different Paths

One of the hardest parts of grieving for Madeline is watching Mike go through the grieving process. Even though we are both struggling through the same horror and missing the same little girl we both love so completely, we are doing it in such different and personal ways.

In the early days, when things were really hard, I watched Mike go through intense struggle, and it was so difficult for both of us. I couldn’t help him, and he couldn’t help himself. I did my best, though, and he eventually made it through.

Now, fifteen months later, the grief isn’t so dramatic. It is quieter. Less obvious. As a result it is even more personal, and this makes it even harder to know how to help each other. Some times the days pass uneventfully…except for the fact that Mike’s smile is a little dimmer. His enthusiasm for things a little weaker. In those days I don’t ask what’s wrong, because I know what is wrong, but it is still hard to watch. Other times I will find him at the computer with wet eyes, and I can see on the screen that he has been looking at photos or videos of Madeline.

Don’t get the wrong idea. We talk about our grief and how much we miss Maddie. We talk about her everyday. And we cry together. But still I don’t know if I am helping him, or even if I know how to. It is unbearably hard to see your husband in pain and not be able to take it away or make it better.

Therapy has been so helpful for me and has been such a great outlet for my feelings. I wish Mike had an outlet like that. I think talking to someone could be really helpful for him, but therapy is such a personal thing, and as of now, it isn’t a path he wants to go on. It isn’t for everyone, so I don’t push it. I will just help him as much as possible, and hope that when I can’t he can find ways to deal with his pain.

Christine says:

This is what I was thinking too. A support group, whether in person, or online, for dads, might be a great thing for him. But then again, everyone’s grief is personal, so it is impossible to know if it would necessarily be helpful to him. But, at least (especially) online, it might be a great place to start without feeling like you have to commit.

My husband and I have grieved our losses very differently, too. He really internalizes things. I tend to talk a lot, and I do the therapy thing. My husband stuffs it all in, and then it comes out in anger at random times (hello, road rage). It’s hard. And really, it’s nearly impossible to assist each other in the grieving process when you are both in a puddle on the floor, in your own way. Thank God for friends, right?

I can’t imagine how hard it is to know the pain yourself and have to watch someone else – someone you love so much – go through it too, and not be able to help as much as you want to. I’m sure it’s true for both of you. Strength to you both, may your love grow through the pain and bring you even closer. I admire you so much. Sending hugs!

My thoughts are with you. I’m sure Mike knows that you’re there for him. I want to give you both hugs. I know how hard it is to be with someone who is hurting and not be able to do anything. That feeling of helplessness because you can’t fix it or make it better. Love to you both.

Amy Collen says:

I remember talking to Mike at the March of Dimes about the loss of our son Noah. I could have sworn I saw relieve in his eyes when I mentioned my son. The fact that there was another family that was going through the same thing seemed to really connect with him.
My husband has a hard time as well sometimes. I remember when we went to a NICU event with the March of Dimes to the hospital where our twins were born. Well, we got to tour the NICU and go into the room where are twins fought for their life and where my Noah lost his. My sweet John walked out of the room and cried. It is just so hard sometimes. Today he had a flashback of Children’s Hospital where we would go to visit my Sam.
My John is not getting therapy although I am. We are living in so. Cal now. So, if ever Mike gets to the point where he wants to talk to another guy that is going through exactly what he is the invitation is always open. No pressure though, just thought I would mention that. Sometimes it is enough to know that someone is out there willing to give you support rather than actually getting together and actually talking about a subject so difficult. Sigh. My John is up for both if needed :). LOL! Even poker or to watch a good movie.

karen says:

You are there for each other – there is nothing more than knowing you are there for him that he needs.

My husband is the same as Mike – it’s the hugs in the morning, the holding hands on the sofa, the cuddle in the night, the drink made without being asked for – those are the things that get him through and it maybe the same for Mike.

Sue says:

Oh how my heart aches for you both,,,,,,,,,,,,,You are probably helping Mike more than you think you are, Heather. It sounds as tho you an talk, to each other, very openly, about your feelings in missing Maddie. Huge hugs to you, Mike, Annabel, and Rigby,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I attended a funeral last week for a friend’s nephew, who passed away at 7 months after struggling every day of his life. A coworker noted that she didn’t know how the family was able to function. I agreed but noted that grief is different for everyone, especially when the loss is “out of order”. We dread but expect that we’ll lose our elders, not our younger generations. I don’t think anyone really knows how they’d react until they have to wear those shoes and walk a mile in them. The preacher noted that the funeral was so hard, but next week would be so much harder after everyone left. I had to agree with him.

My condolences on your loss. My heart goes out to you, Mike and your family in your loss and grieving for your beautiful Maddie. I love her impish grin and imagine it was only 1.000 times brighter in person.

Jenn says:

I agree….you can’t make someone go to therapy. They have to want to go or else of course they won’t heal b/c they won’t be open enough to the process. Hopefully the therapy he DID was helpful, even just a little.

I have to tell you Heather, I had a dream with Maddie in it last night. She was about six months old….perfect in every way!! 3 things stuck me about my dream.

1) Just hope much I “knew” her b/c in my dream, I did – like the back of my hand.

2) How much I cherished her. In my dream I was holding onto her so tightly. I was so in love with her. She sat in my arms, dressed in all white smiling the brightest smile.

3) and finally, it struck me when I woke up that I had been crying and I felt this awful ache for her. I missed her to my core. (Only a fraction of course to how you and Mike feel).

Reality can suck so much and I guess the best any of us can do is simply to get through it. I wanted you to know though, even though many of us can’t know how deep and profound your hurt is, you are NEVER alone in your grief. Either is Mike.

It sounds so odd since so many of us had never met Maddie but, we miss and cherish her right beside you and we think about her and your family every single day.

I can’t ever imagine how hard the days must be for you and Mike. Please know that I am thinking of you both and that I feel so blessed to know you (and to have known Maddie!) in the small way that I do.

We all grieve in our own ways, but I am a big fan of therapy. When you find the right therapist, it works. The biggest challenge is finding someone who can help you in the right way.

It is terribly hard to watch someone else suffer and be unable to help. Simply allowing him the room to have his own kind of pain is the greatest gift you can give him. I sense that you understand that Mike has the tools and the ability to navigate these waters, even though he might seem adrift at times. Letting him handle this in his own way and time is the right thing to do, the most loving thing to do.

I think of your family often and you are always in my prayers. I never met Maddie except through your pictures and videos, and my heart breaks with and for you.

I have nothing to add to this because I have no idea how my husband and I would react in such a situation. But each heart, I suppose, must find its own path to some sort of solace.
I would wish you both more peace.

I imagine the feelings are so intense and personal as is, he feels it would be just that much more painful to share it with a stranger. My heart goes out to both of you. Not everyone makes it through hard times. You two are some of the strongest people I “know”.
hugs

I’m not saying that this is going to happen in your family, but after we lost our daughter at birth my ex-husband internalized a lot of his hurt and rage and became abusive.

Clearly, he already had a predisposition for this kind of behaviour, but I saw how much his hurt erupted. Sadly, I was the target for that hurt… I eventually left, but not after a lot of damage to me and our children. We still deal with that.

My point is, internalizing this pain can cause more hurt and while it’s true that therapy isn’t for everyone I hope he finds another outlet. Even finding another dad or husband that’s been through a similar event to talk to can be helpful and theraputic.

Mary says:

A person has to find their way through all of this alone, in one way. The thing we can do for both of you is walk with you and be there to try to help you up when you fall. My loss is not the same as yours, but all I ever really wanted, and still want, is someplace where it feels safe to cry, to rant, to scream, or to be silent. You give that to Mike, by your support and acceptance of how he’s grieving and the fact that you’re there when he does want to talk.

I agree with the person who said it’s not just a gender split, that it’s a very individual process. A person finds their way through grief when they’re ready to find it. Not to compare my sadness to yours, please don’t think I am, but for the entire first year I felt like I was numb. Functioning because I had to for our newborn, but not really noticing what was going on. Year 2, the numb was gone and the hurt seemed to get worse. My counselor likened it to having to go to rehab, because that’s when things really start to heal and that’s when you really start to feel the pain. I’m on year 3…who knows what this will be?

All of this is to say, although I can’t do much for you, please know that you have my support, for whatever that’s worth. Much love to your family.

Meg...CT says:

What agony it must be…to be going through your own grief while watching your spouse do the same, unable to help in any way.
This post, and yesterdays left me with a huge lump in my throat…a reminder of your on-going struggle.
I will say, I love when you write about Maddie (though I am sure it is so difficult for you)…she shines right through the screen. Your love for her is radiant.
What a gift she has been. I am sorry that gift was taken back so quickly….it is not fair.

You’re right that grief is such a personal thing, and people cope in different ways to the same situation. While I know that the loss of Maddie is a wound that will never completely heal, I hope that you & Mike both find the peace that you need.

You know, many couples cannot stay together after suffering a terrible loss like the one you and Mike have. It’s just too hard and I guess the grief causes too much resentment in some way. I think it’s really a testament to yours and Mike’s relationship that you have not only survived this together, but that you are probably a stronger couple because of it. Whether you know it or not, you are helping him everyday, and you are both so incredibly lucky to have each other. Lucky that you can lean on each other but also give space when space is needed without hurt feelings. Lucky that through this horrific tragedy you are creating a stronger and more beautiful bond with each other and with your sweet Annabel. Many hugs to the Spohrs today.

Keep talking about it & just being there for each other. I know it means a lot just knowing that if you ever need a shoulder it’s there. I admire your drive and your strenght. Maddie and Annabel have an amazing set of parents!

When we had our first loss, a still birth at nearly five months, they handed me a purple folder. The folder was filled with information about grief and loss. I called it the “So your baby died” folder. One of the things I read stuck with me. As a couple, you will grieve differently. There might be resentment, fear, heartbreak, anger, numbness; all of them are normal. Keep reaching out to each other, even when you are in different places, its all you can do.

Men grieve so differently than women do, you know that. When we go to the cemetery to visit Emma, Jeremy (who is really very calm and pretty quiet) will get angry with anyone who is in his way.
As he watches our two other girls, I can see it in his eyes how much he misses the one that isn’t here.
I have often felt the way you do. How can I help him? I talk about it, I cry, I am very vocal about my grief. He is not and it leaves me at a loss quite often.
I have found that just letting him do it, and know that if he needs me I am here, has been the biggest way to help him.
I have often wondered what a support group for Men would look like. Would they just sit there in awkward silence? Or would they all go to a game and call it good? I don’t know.
If Mike ever needs a guy to talk to, I know that Jeremy would be willing. But even as I write that it makes me laugh because I doubt that it would ever happen.
Hang in there. You are doing the best you know, and it is enough.

Lisa from WV says:

This post actually made tears well up in my eyes. Being a woman, I am used to seeing myself and other women being able to cry and express our hurts and frustrations. But it has always tugged on my heart a little more when it’s a man, and I don’t know why. I guess it could be because the men I know have always tried to hide their feelings, so to actually see one of them cry proves the extent of the pain and it breaks my heart. Hugs to you and a special big hug to Mike today. Still thinking of you guys and praying for you.

Krissa says:

I can *almost* imagine how difficult it must be for you because it’s difficult for me to figure out how to say what I want to say in this comment. Not that my opinion is right or wrong or whatever, but I personally think that you are doing the right thing by not pushing him to go to therapy. I remember what happened back then and it reminded me of something similar that I went through (same as Mike). What put me in that state wasn’t the same thing, I’ve never lost a child. But it was personally traumatic enough to cause me to drink myself into a very bad place. I am not comfortable with therapy for various reasons which don’t matter here. But I can tell you that if my husband were pushing me to do it, it would make things harder for me. I am by far better than I was a year + ago and I know I will likely improve slowly with time as much as anyone can who goes through a life changing thing. So I think you’re right to let Mike grieve his own way. I hope I’m right. And I’m very sorry you have the added sadness of seeing your husband in pain and feeling like you can’t help. But believe me, you are helping. You ARE helping.

Jeannine says:

The pain that the two of you are going through completely breaks my heart. I wish I had a remedy or some magic words to bring Maddie back and make everything better =(
I don’t know you two, but I love you bunches.
Sending you both great big hugs.

Rebecca says:

Even though you are married you are still individual people with your own minds. It’s obvious that you communicate with each other and I think just knowing that you are there for him means the world to him. The times you are talking about Maddie are the times that he needs to talk to you. Just continue to be open about your feelings and he will be open to you. He knows what his options are regarding therapy and if he chooses to pursue that at some time then he will but your right, it has to be his decision.

Rhonda says:

Everyone grieves differently, in their own way, at their own pace. I’m sure just knowing you are there is so helpful to him. Maybe one day he’ll decide therapy would be helpful, until then at least you have each other to talk through all the pain, struggles, and sadness.

gypsygrrl says:

mike is lucky to have a loving caring wife like you who sees that he is struggling and aches to help ease the pain. sometimes, the simple act of wanting to help is more than enough… i think of you both often and i often think about my own dad and how he would have been devastated losing a child. i think it is a heartbreak that just doesnt ever heal. sure…you stitch yourself up around the edges to be “presentable” thru your everyday life, but the ache is still there and it doesnt take much to bump into those stitches and bring back the intensity of that aching…

much love to you all…
i wish i had better words to say, but please know your family is loved and held in the heart of this gypsy :}

Michelle W says:

My only thought is that your mere presence, the fact that you “get it” and that you don’t pressure him to grieve in any particular way is as helpful as anyone can be. The love you both have for one another and your little girls seems to be the best ointment of all.

Jen says:

One of the things that always touches me when I read your blog is how strong a love you and Mike have for one another! I am not sure that if my husband and I went through something like you have that we would make it! I am not sure that each of us would be strong enough! I definitely agree that maybe a support group would be a great idea! Maybe even the both of you could go to. I am so happy that you have been able to use therapy as a way to heal. I know that you will both grieve for the rest of your lives but it really truly amazes me how strong you both seem! xo

Trisha G says:

A dad is supposed to be the protector of the family. Even though Mike or even you couldn’t have done anything else to save Maddie I am sure he feels he failed her. I think that is one of the main differences in the way men and women grieve. He probably feels he failed Maddie. Mike needs to find a way to “let himself off the hook” before he can heal. I may be completely wrong about this. It is just my thoughts. He may also feel guilty about moving on. He may feel like if he is moving on with his life that he is “giving Maddie up”. He is not, he needs to live his best life for Annie, you and himself. It isn’t about forgetting about Maddie. It is about not shortchanging yourself and your family when you are not fully in the moment. Your family has gone through the worst kind of pain. I can’t even imagine it and I feel kind of guilty even trying to offer you advice. I haven’t walked in your shoes. I have lost people I dearly love, I haven’t lost a child. I know there is a difference.

Amy Collen says:

I would imagine one of the hardest things about grief is being unable to spare those you love from sharing it. It’s one thing to be sad yourself, but to see those you love go through it and be unable to spare them from the hell you know so well must add a whole new dimension to that pain.

A lot of people lose their marriages over tragedies like this; it seems that you two, instead of drifting apart, came together, and I think that’s amazing in and of itself.

My thoughts are always with you and your family, Heather. It has got to be so hard.
This is not even close to your experience but when our twin girls were born at 28 weeks, my husband and I reacted very differently. Even after they were okay and went home, I still had a lot of trouble and went to therapy because of how traumatic the whole experience had been. My husband didn’t go to therapy and still cannot look at the pictures of our girls in the NICU. I know it’s hard to watch your partner in pain and not be able to help. Although, I think you might be helping in ways you don’t even realize. Big hugs to all of you.
Kim

Amy says:

I never have the right words… so I just want to say,
how ever he deals with this, whatever path he takes, I hope in some small way, it makes it easier for him to get through the day.
I am so sorry you have to go through this.

I know blogging about his feelings may not be something he wants to post right now… but I used to follow Mike’s blog, he KNOWS how to put his feelings into text.
Maybe he should get back to writing things down. I know I blog and not post a LOT of my feelings, just to get them out.
Just a suggestion.
Hugs to you and Mike both!