So I decided that maybe instead of keeping stuff to myself, why not make a blog and just express myself and my life (family, friends, trips, opinions). I want to become that open person that people can come to for advice or just ask questions about anything or need an opinion or about my life. I’ll be as active as you guys want me to be. I’ll post a new blog everyday about something new each day. Just hope that this will help me express myself with others and be able to trust. I don’t just want to talk about one topic, so I’ll find new topics and ideas to write about.

So for a girl that doesn’t like to party, what should she do for her 21st birthday? I’m an old fashion type of girl. I like to hang out at parks, stay home, watch old Disney movies with friends and order pizza. Should I just invite a couple of friends and go to a new place we haven’t been to or rent a hotel room and just hang there? We could go indoor swimming. Go to downtown Dallas and go to a club? I’m not the type to get dressy dress and go out. I just wish I knew what I wanted to do and wish I had someone to spend that time with. Am I ever going to find someone? Anyways just wondering some ideas to do for my 21st birthday. It’s in October by the way, so I still have time to decide what I want to do.

I first met a guy named Ricky when I was in high school. He was a senior and I was a junior. We had a class together and we were in a group project once and after that I went back to doing my work by myself. Anyways, I never knew Ricky personally. Around August 2016, Ricky messaged me on Instagram. He wanted to get to know me since we had been followers to each other for 2-3 years. Ricky is the most amazing person I have ever met and he deserves so much more than what he wants. Ricky and I started talking and he liked me, but I had a boyfriend at the time. Ricky saw the side of me that everyone gets to see after a while and he then realized that I wasn’t the girl for him, which I had told him before. He started talking to a girl and I saw that and somewhat, I was jealous, because he was giving her the attention that I wanted. I don’t know what happened between them, but he and I continued to talk. We got to know a lot about each other and we became really good friends. Thing is, I flirt a lot and I don’t mean to, but it just happens. I slowly started to fall for Ricky. He was great and sweet, smart and funny! But I felt he deserved more than me. There were pros and cons of us being together. Anyways, Ricky asked me to be his girlfriend and playing not thinking about feelings, I said sure. Then 15 minutes after, I started to overthink everything and thinking that we could be a great couple, but the person I used to be in high school, that isn’t me anymore. I don’t want “God” to be in my life and he’s Christian. He deserved someone to love him for everything that makes him great and how protective he can be and how entertaining he can be and how sweet and caring he is always. I appreciated him and having him in my life, but I knew deep down, it wasn’t going to work and I was the one that was going to hurt him. I don’t like relationships, because I feel like I don’t need anyone in my life to make me happy. I don’t need anyone to care for me. I was born without a husband or boyfriend, which means I can do everything without having one. Ricky and I had a great friendship and I wish he knew that I’m trying to help him by staying away from liking me or being with me. I don’t care if he is mad, as long as he doesn’t get hurt by me again. But to be honest, I miss our friendship and talking every day and all day. I guess this is life and I have to get used to being left back because of my actions. Ricky if you read this, I’m sorry you ever met me. You’re a great friend and I appreciate everything you did for me. Thanks.

I didn’t realize I was in love till after graduation. I never believed in love or ever being in love. It was crazy to know or think that you could feel some sort of way for someone for so long and you are barely noticing it. I fell in love once and from some people, I think I still am. How can you get over someone you felt something with since third grade? Been friends since then and then it becomes something bigger in middle school? And again in high school? Everyone says I don’t love him, but who’s to tell me I’m not. He seems so happy with his new girl. The girl that broke us up in the first place. Right now, we could still be together, laughing and having fun. How can you forget someone who has made your life better and makes you smile whenever you say their name or even think of them? Someone who your family still ask if he’s doing okay, if we’re still talking or if we’re friends. The one thing I will always remember, is “my inspiration”. I live for that day he told me i was his inspiration. Helping him out with homework or tests. Having that greatness and knowledge that you are the one that helped him graduate and without you, he wouldn’t have. Knowing that you are the only girl he’s dated that helped and encouraged him to continue and work hard. It’s taken a lot from me to get over him and finally be happy that hes happy. But sometimes I wish I was the reason that makes him happy. Maybe I’m crazy, but I will always love and care for him, no matter what. I just wished you’d see that I was the one for you. You are perfectly unperfect and that’s what I love about you. You don’t have to try and make me smile, because just you glancing at me makes me smile or you’re little grin. I’m in love with you and I don’t know how to stop. I wish we had once last chance to make it. #GRN

So it’s been a long journey to get to where I am now. I used to be this girl that was quiet and I let everyone walk all over me. Slowly I started to realize why I was born and what I have to do to get people to stop bullying me and saying stuff about me. I also had to stop believing those things and make myself feel better, because only I can ruin and make my life better. I started to first accept myself for who I am. Someone told me a while back that in order for me to find someone who loves me, I have to love myself. Although, I’m not ready to settle down for someone. I wanted to love myself. I want to love my body, my attitudes, my issues and my life. I have to start appreciating life. I still have my issues to where I want to cut people’s throats, but that’s always going to be me. I don’t want to lose everything that makes me interesting just because my mother says so or because someone says so. I find my weirdness the best thing about me. I know I might not believe in God and everything, but I have my reasons and the facts that come with it. I know I have my moments about Lucifer and demons and everything has to be black, but you don’t realize that I watched all the Supernatural episodes and I watch Horror movies so I kind of started believing in that. But you have your opinions and beliefs and I have mine. Anyways, it takes a lot to accept yourself and to stop caring what people say to you or about you. Like I said before, I’m not here to base my life on people’s opinions. I love the way I am and I hope you do too, but if you don’t, I really don’t care.

So, I’ve been asked why I don’t have a boyfriend and when will I get one? I don’t know when I will. All I know is I would like to be happy with someone that I can see my life with. I felt this way once, but he found someone to make him happier and that’s fine. I will always love him no matter what and we will always be good friends. Anyways, I was taught to focus on school and get my career going and when it becomes successful then I can think about having a family with someone I love. I look up to my grandma and mom. My grandma took care of 5 kids on her own after my grandpa died when my mom was 9 years old. They all became pretty successful and smart. My mom has 2 kids, which are my brothers and she raised them after her first husband ran off with other females. So when I think of me having a family, I don’t see myself with anyone. Maybe you’re right, maybe I haven’t met the right one yet. I go on social media and all I see are girls that I knew or knew of and they are pregnant or already have kids or getting married. I don’t know what I did wrong for me to be there yet, but I don’t plan on being by myself forever! I’m slipping into my old ways and it took me a while to control that side of me. There’s a guy who used to like me and then he realized I wasn’t the one for him. Later on, I guess I’ve changed and he asked me what we were. Honestly, it scared me, because no offense, but I think of you as a friend, someone to hang out with and joke around. There’s another guy that I was dating and he just gets annoying and I have a very high temper, so everything he says or does, just makes me what to not be around him. I lost all feelings for people, and I don’t know how to gain it back. Guys can be a little sneaky and I hate that, but I always know when a guy is into me or not. It sucks that I let go easily, but I guess that’s one thing I have to change about myself.

I don’t understand how being myself and not listening to people’s opinion is bad. I am not here to base my life on people’s opinion about me. I am here to make myself happy and to live a happy life. I understand that my father did some bad stuff that emotional hurt me, but it made me into a stronger person to push those negative things aside and still love and care for him. I love both my parents, but they are just making me angry and making me want to live somewhere else. My mother doesn’t like me dying my hair. Well, sorry but its my hair not yours. Its my body not yours. I’m doing the things that make me happy. I don’t care what anyone says. Thats their opinion. I’m not going to change who i am just because someone doesn’t like it. If i cant express myself then why am i here? If i cant do the things that make me happy then why am i here? If my parents don’t get that i have done everything in my power to make them happy, then i guess i can move on and make myself happy. I don’t get why dying my hair or piercing my lip makes me a bad person. I’ve been judged by so many people and i let my guard down and i broke down to where i didn’t want to be here anymore. But as I grew up, i realized that I wasn’t born to make people happy, i’m not here to make my parents happy, i’m here to make myself happy and to live a happy life. I dress like a guy, because I grew up with boys (brothers) and my sister wasn’t there for me to teach me make up or how to act like a girl. I don’t understand how I cant express who i am. I was always afraid to tell my parents who i am and I cant accept myself unless they know. So, I’m bisexual. I like girls and guys. I find both attractive and I don’t care what anyone says. It’s my life and I can do whatever I want. If my brother can go out and my mom says to be home by 10:30 but he doesn’t till 12:05 AM and not get in trouble, well thats not fair. I would get in trouble for being an hour late home or 30 minutes late to get home. But because my brother is a guy, he needs more space than a girl does. Now i don’t understand how being a girl, I don’t need more space? Well I grew up with strict parents, which came along to, I didn’t have many friends because they wouldn’t let me go out. I’m almost 20 years old and I cant even dye my own hair. I cant even get a tattoo because it gross and they’re not for girls or they are for anybody who’s been to jail or prison. I cant even wear guys clothes, because then everyone assumes that I’m gay. I cant even wear girls clothes, because I might get picked up by some perv on the street. If i cant express who i am, then why am i even here on this earth? I cant even have a boyfriend because then people assume that I’m going to get pregnant early like all these girls. LETS GET ONE THING STRAIGHT! I am not like these girls. I have goals. I was taught to finish school, finish college, start my career or business and be successful and think about a family. But hell, I’m even getting judge for not wanting anybody in my future. I don’t get why i have to have a boyfriend or husband to be happy. Obviously expressing myself isn’t enough so I’m done trying to make people happy. It took me 20 years to finally accept who i am and how i am and how i look. I am not changing for anyone. If you can’t accept me for who i am and the way i act, then i guess i don’t need you in my life to bring me down. I don’t care if i lose everyone that i love. I don’t care if I’m acting like my dad. I AM NOT HERE TO MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER!!!! I love everyone but for me to not be around negativity, i don’t need you bringing that around me. I had enough.

One more month I have to go and soon I’ll be back home with my family and friends. The other day I facetimed my brother and my baby happened to be there and when I saw him, I broke down into tears. No one knows how important my dog is to me. I can’t believe that I agreed to be away from him for 4 months. Understand.. if you were a mother, how could you leave your baby?? I understand that I did it, so I can have an opportunity to support Jasper and I, but the money I am making here, I could be making more in Texas. Glad to be going home soon. But if you haven’t heard, there’s a big storm coming to Florida’s Gulf. Hopefully everything will be fine, hopefully I will be fine and make it back to my family. I don’t say it much often, but I do miss my family and friends and soon we will all get together when I come back.

Ever since I was little (5th grade), I had always dreamt to get accepted to Baylor University. It was the only school that I wanted to attend, because their business program is amazing and I always wanted to follow in my teachers footsteps. My mom’s professor in her law school, told me that if I worked hard and get the grades I needed, he would help me get into Baylor. Well when I got my SAT scores, I knew I wasn’t going to get accepted. It was a disappointed getting that un-acceptance letter. I felt like a failure. Make me sad to see that new students are accepted and I just need to work harder. But I am still a Baylor Bear even if I didn’t get in. Sic Em’ Bears!

Well it’s been about 3 months since I’ve been here in Key West. I am starting to adapt to the weather and people. I haven’t gone out to do stuff, because my brother left back to Texas on July 30. Eric and I have never been away from each other this long and everyone thinks it’s the best idea for us to learn how to be away. We did everything together!! it sucks, knowing that Eric is home, but he wanted an education for himself so I had to let him go. People ask why I didn’t go back with him. I didn’t go back, because I wanted to learn everything about being in an office and owning the business side of it and everything. Someday I want to build my own business and I didn’t want to upset my dad if I went back home early. I’ve met a lot of cool professional people and my uncle made me make a friend. I don’t talk to him, but he messages me whenever he wants. I have bought so many clothes and now I don’t know if they will all fit in my luggage. Probably not! I don’t eat much here in Key West, since Eric left. I only ate if Eric ate, because I actually made food. I have 37 more days and I’m out of here. I’m back with family and friends. I get to be there and celebrate my birthday with my scrub fam, who is amazing, but we have our times. But everything is great here and I enjoyed it, except the humidity.