"THE JESSE EISENBERG TALK SHOW"
By Michael Lake
(OPEN ON: A TALK SHOW SET. JESSE EISENBERG STANDS AWKARDLY ONSTAGE)
(TITLE: “FAST TALK” WITH JESSE EISENBERG)
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Welcome to “Fast Talk” with Jesse Eisenberg! Your host, Jesse Eisenberg.
(MUSIC: “IN MOTION” by TRENT REZNOR and ATTICUS ROSS”)
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yczul_609Gg)
(RIGHT CLICK TO OPEN LINK IN NEW TAB)
JESSE EISENBERG
Hi, I’m Jesse Eisenberg, star of “The Social Network.” But of course you knew that. I’ll assume. But then again I’ve always been taught always know, never assume. Welcome to “Fast Talk.” So, how about all that crazy stuff in Libya? You hear about that? Okay, well, we don’t have time to discuss it know. If you’re interested in hearing more, pick up a newspaper, why don’t you? It’s not my responsibility to tell you about the news, it’s your responsibility to keep up. Let’s keep this show moving right along. We don’t have any time to waste. Please welcome, of the “Golden Girls,” Alexis Bledel and Lauren Graham.
(MUSIC: “IN MOTION” resumes)
(ALEXIS BLEDEL AND LAUREN GRAHAM ENTER. THEY TALK JUST AS FAST AS JESSE)
ALEXIS
Gilmore Girls.
JESSE EISENBERG
What’s that?
ALEXIS
We were on the Gilmore Girls, not the Golden Girls.
JESSE EISENBERG
Oh. Well. I don’t follow women’s television. It’s all the same to me. Ovarian issues I don’t have time nor the patience for. I don’t book the guests. Why are you here? What have you done?
LAUREN
We were on the Gilmore Girls which ran for seven seasons. Fun fact, because of the consistently fast-paced nature of our dialogue, our scripts were 8 pages longer than that of the average half-hour program.
JESSE EISENBERG
Is that fun or is that just a fact? Why should I know this show? What about it is so special?
ALEXIS
In 2004, it won an Emmy.
JESSE EISENBERG
Is that true? Can somebody check if that’s true? Never mind. I’ll do it myself.
(JESSE PRODUCES A LAPTOP, OPENS IT, TAPS A FEW KEYS AND STOWS IT)
JESSE EISENBERG
Technical Emmy. For Make-Up. Which means that the two of you must have had make-up applied to your faces, which means that alone you were not pretty enough to anchor a television show. I don’t even understand why you’re wasting my time. I’ve been nominated for an Academy Award. You should be interviewing me.
LAUREN
If you don’t like interviewing, why are you here?
JESSE EISENBERG
The fools who run this network didn’t have a likeable enough talk show to anchor this 5 minute slot so they needed somebody able to cram all the appeal of such said format into a very short span of time. Obviously, Jesse Eisenberg was the answer.
LAUREN
Does it at least pay well?
JESSE EISENBERG
It pays in Red Bull and Ramen Noodles. I am never going grocery shopping again. Don’t like lines. I’ve had enough of this. Thanks for your time.
ALEXIS
It’s not just your time. It’s everyone’s. Unless you’re suggesting that the sun revolves directly around you.
JESSE EISENBERG
I am. Goodbye.
(THEY EXIT)
JESSE EISENBERG
Now’s the portion of the show where I dance around the audience much like that well-dressed lesbian who looks far too good for her age.
(MUSIC: “SANDSTORM” by DARUDE)
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ejm6jn9AFA0)
(RIGHT CLICK LINK TO OPEN NEW TAB)
(JESSE DANCES AROUND THE AUDIENCE FOR TEN SECONDS. THE MUSIC ABRUPTLY STOPS)
JESSE EISENBERG
That was fun. I had fun at least. It’s my opinion that matters. Next up, our guest is my rival at this year’s Academy Award ceremony, winner of Best Actor for purely political and unfair reasons, Colin Firth.
(MUSIC: “IN MOTION” resumes)
(COLIN FIRTH ENTERS AND SITS DOWN)
JESSE EISENBERG
So, Colin. Your Oscar. Is holding it everything you ever dreamed about? How does it look on your mantelpiece? What exactly is your movie about? Did you know that there are more people on Facebook than there are in Britain? Because my movie’s about Facebook and your movie’s about Britain.
COLIN FIRTH
Umm, well...uh...
JESSE EISENBERG
You took too long to answer. Please don’t waste my time. I can’t afford to lose any.
(HE STANDS UP, AND YANKS COLIN FIRTH OUT OF HIS CHAIR, AND USHERS HIM OFFSTAGE)
JESSE EISENBERG (CONT'D)
My next guest is unemployed “winner” Charlie Sheen. Please welcome him to the stage. Well, maybe “welcome” is the wrong word. Clearly, the man needs more exposure.
(MUSIC: “IN MOTION” resumes)
(CHARLIE SHEEN WALKS OUT)
CHARLIE SHEEN
Where the hell am I?
JESSE EISENBERG
Mr. Sheen, I hope you’re proud of your accomplishments. Not only have you made a bastardization out of the entire media empire over the past few weeks you have re-defined the term celebrity to the point where it now has a negative connotation.
CHARLIE SHEEN
Mission accomplished?
JESSE EISENBERG
Though you are a 45 year old man, you have the mindset of a child. Your actions and attitudes more reflect that of a 4 to 5 year old. See what I did there?
CHARLIE SHEEN
I’m sure if I was paying attention I would be very insulted.
JESSE EISENBERG
What’s your secret? What’s the secret to your popularity? I guess the real reason I chloroformed you and dragged your unconscious body to the set is – how can I get like you? Your new talk show “Sheen’s Korner” is racking up millions of viewers even as we speak. The algorithms must be insane. How did you do it?
CHARLIE SHEEN
Be Charlie Sheen?
JESSE EISENBERG
Interesting. Being content with being Jesse Eisenberg, I’d never considered a genetic experiment that will give you the DNA of another human being. Be Charlie Sheen.
CHARLIE SHEEN
I thought MY guy was good. Who do you buy YOUR coke from?
JESSE EISENBERG
That’s literally all the time we have today. I’ll see you tomorrow. Or not. Tomorrow is just one day closer to the apocalypse. Think about it.
(MUSIC: “IN MOTION” plays out)
(JESSE EISENBERG AND CHARLIE SHEEN AWKWARDLY DANCE)
(OUT)