Helping a friend in an abusive relationship

Relationships can be wonderful and we all want our friends to be happy. What if your friend’s relationship seems abusive?

It can be really tricky to tell if a friend’s relationship is abusive and hard to know how to bring up the subject and support them.

What to look for

If you think there’s a chance your friend might be in an abusive relationship, but you’re not sure, here are some warning signs to look out for:

Your friend is losing interest in activities he or she used to enjoy

Your friend is overly worried what their boyfriend/girlfriend thinks or seems scared of how they might react to stuff

He or she is acting overly happy or seems to be worried and anxious with their partner

If someone calls their boyfriend or girlfriend out on something negative, your friend makes excuses for them all the time

He or she is avoiding friends and social activities that do not include his or her partner

Your friend jokes about his or her partner’s violent outbursts

Your friend has unexplained injuries and the explanations seem odd or unlikely

Your friend’s behaviour has changed dramatically since he or she started seeing this current partner.

Remember your friend may not realise their relationship is an abusive one, or may not agree. It can be hard for them to admit their relationship isn’t a good one.

They might feel responsible, like they caused or deserved it. They may want so badly to be in a relationship they don’t want to leave.

As difficult as it may be for you to approach your friend, it can be equally as hard for them to approach you.

How you can help your friend

There are some ways you can help if you suspect your friend is being abused by his/her partner. If you believe you or your friend is in immediate danger, you need to go to the police.

Encourage your friend to talk. Don’t be afraid to approach them about your concerns, and encourage them to open up. Try to get your friend to do most of the talking.

Here are some open-ended questions you can ask your friend

How are you feeling about your relationship?

What do your friends and family think about your relationship?

Do you have plans for the future of this relationship?

Try to talk when you’re alone with your friend. Don’t talk about it in front of other friends or family members, especially his or her partner.

Sometimes it can be easier to talk if you’re also focused on another activity like going for a drive, making a meal or doing the dishes.

You should talk to your friend or seek help from an outside source, but do not confront your friend’s partner. This could make the situation worse for them and you could even be putting yourself in an unsafe position.

You should also suggest that your friend not mention your conversation too

Listen to your friend. Don’t be judgmental. If your friend is in an abusive relationship, he or she probably already feels down. Don’t make your friend feel worse.

Be supportive and patient, and acknowledge their feelings. Chances are, they don’t have anyone else to talk to about it. Read how to listen for tips on being a good listener.

Don’t blame your friend for what’s happening. Don’t tell your friend what he or she should have done differently. Concentrate on what makes him or her happy and how they can take action to change things now.

Don’t tell your friend what to do. Instead, encourage your friend to think about options. You might ask your friend if he or she has already tried getting help, or you might suggest places to seek help.

Be specific about why you’re concerned. For example, say things like I feel bad when he says “you’re stupid” or “we hate to see you nervous and unhappy”. This could help your friend recognise that what they are experiencing is actually abuse, and isn’t normal.

But, again remember to make sure you don’t tell them it is their fault. Keep the focus on your friend, not their partner.

Make sure your friend knows he or she has your support. Your friend might be feeling very isolated and alone. Let your friend know that you’re there for them. Make sure they know you’re willing to support them. Even if your friend decides to stay with their partner, let them know they can talk to you about it without being judged.

Help your friend work out some realistic strategies. What works in this situation will depend on how willing your friend is to see that there’s a problem. While talking about what their options are, you may suggest different resources in your community, or help them devise a safety plan in case the situation becomes dangerous. See helpful sites at the end of the page.

Your friend has to find his or her own way through the situation. Talking to you or a trusted person can help. If your friend does not want to talk to you about it, suggest they call a hotline (like one of the ones listed below), where he or she can get help without bringing anyone personal into the situation.

Encouraging your friend to realise his or her strengths as an individual so the abuse they’ve experienced doesn’t chip away at their self-esteem.