Matt Schaub: Since he plays for the Houston Texans, no one really cares what he did for Valentine’s Day.

02.16.11 at 1:41 pm

Jamaal Charles's Stolen TDs

Jamaal Charles: Started off the evening by delivering his girl 3 dozen roses of her favorite color. Gave her a romantic, candle-lit dinner with her favorite food. He then presented her with an exquisite diamond necklace, then slow danced with her to her favorite love songs for over an hour. This was followed by Jamaal preforming the best oral sex of her entire life, only to have Thomas Jones barge in at the last second before penetration and screw her.

/ of Course, T. Jones premature ejaculated

02.16.11 at 1:42 pm

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Antonio Cromartie – Impregnated 6 women in 5 different states.

02.16.11 at 1:44 pm

Rob in WI

Jay Cutler: “Whatever. Its not like Valentine’s day is a real day.” Then he sulked and sulked and moped and moped and sulked and whatever’d all week.

02.16.11 at 1:45 pm

Jamaal Charles's Stolen TDs

Danny Woodhead: making scrappy, grit-filled, over-achieving love to his fiancée despite his small penis.

Jeff George: Called that chick from high school he puked on after homecoming and then called a pig to see if she’d still be willing to go out.

02.16.11 at 2:02 pm

Jamaal Charles's Stolen TDs

William Gay: Spent the whole night watching Jordy Nelson aggressively hit on his and his buddies women without doing damn thing about it.

02.16.11 at 2:02 pm

cpalifer

Jim Caldwell – called “Timeout” when wife was right on the edge of Orgasm.

02.16.11 at 2:03 pm

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Bob Sanders: Tore his bicep reaching to turn off his alarm clock in the morning.

02.16.11 at 2:04 pm

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

Vinny Testaverde: Took out a woman from Florida based on her friend’s recommendation, accidentally stabbed her in the face with a fork, but still went on a second date with her, where he then proceeded to wipe his ass with her cat.

02.16.11 at 2:10 pm

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Flozell Adams: Took his date out to a restaurant. Got several tickets for moving violations on the way there and several more on the way back.

Graham Gano – After a romantic day, a nice dinner, and some foreplay he repeatedly missed his wife’s vagina when trying to have sex.

02.16.11 at 2:22 pm

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

Dan Marino: Threw his keys past the valet’s ear, then bitched him out for not catching that, because Irving Fryar would have fucking caught that, you fucking amateur fuck.

/It was okay, though, because Jeff Saturday was just at his summer job, and he was excited to not be yelled at about the snap count for once

02.16.11 at 2:24 pm

clmetsfan

Osi Umenyiora: Sent box of chocolates to girlfriend, then laughed maniacally when she realized it was poop.

02.16.11 at 2:25 pm

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

Bo Jackson: Showed up to the date two hours late but still got laid.

02.16.11 at 2:26 pm

clmetsfan

Lawrence Taylor: Ahh, this one’s too easy

02.16.11 at 2:26 pm

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

James Harrison: Got into a pillow fight with his girlfriend. Was sued for $75,000. Swore off women forever. Changed his mind 30 minutes later and made up with his girlfriend. Was sued again an hour later.

02.16.11 at 2:31 pm

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

Matt Cassel: Finally got a girl to come home with him, but ended up cumming in his own eye after a doggy-style mishap.

02.16.11 at 2:33 pm

Jamaal Charles's Stolen TDs

John Elway: Despite being close a few times, he went the entire day unable to hook-up with a girl until right at last-call with the help of his newly arrived wingman Terrel Davis. Who everyone forgot to thank when high-fiving Elway the next day.

02.16.11 at 2:34 pm

Big Ben's Bodyguard

LaDanian Tomlinson:” Sorry, baby, I can’t tonight. My toe hurts. But I’ll put on these dark glasses and watch you have fun.”

02.16.11 at 2:37 pm

SonOfSpam

Ryan Leaf: Built up his date’s anticipation to unreasonable levels, then proceeded to slam the car door on her leg, order white wine with steak, try to pay with an expired credit card, get lost on the way to the movie, try the “dick in the popcorn box” move but get a kernel stuck in his urethra, clumsily force a goodnight kiss (which he planted on her temple), and get really upset when his buddies gave him shit about it later.

02.16.11 at 2:38 pm

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Plaxico Burress: Took his girlfriend out to a club where he blew his load onto his leg and promptly got dumped.

02.16.11 at 2:40 pm

Jamaal Charles's Stolen TDs

Jim Kelly: Was able to achieve an erection four times that evening in quick succession. Sadly, he prematurely ejaculated right as his wife was on the verge of orgasm each time.

02.16.11 at 2:43 pm

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Marshawn Lynch: Spent the entire day getting completely stonewalled by countless women he was trying to pick up until finally at the end of the night he hit it big picking up and insanely hot woman with the most ridiculously improbable pick up line. After scoring he left quietly in the middle of the night and grabbed his dick on the way out.

02.16.11 at 2:43 pm

Jamaal Charles's Stolen TDs

Thurman Thomas: Experienced an eerily similar day to Jim Kelly, except he kept losing his condom before intercourse.

02.16.11 at 2:45 pm

porky1

Howie Long: Howie Long laughs at your fake pussy women’s holiday.

02.16.11 at 2:46 pm

intrusivity

Matthew Stafford: Had intercourse on a boat with three fake-breasted blondes, but sustained a pelvic injury which will lead to him starting the 2011 season on the PUP list. Injury was aggravated after Stafford refused to stop performing before all three women reached climax.

02.16.11 at 2:48 pm

shootme

SonOfSpam fuccing killed it with Ryan Leaf. Bravo…

02.16.11 at 2:53 pm

SonOfSpam

Andre Johnson: Spent the evening dursaning a plovet are miltch or exafort, uh, exafort an thrabbing nopple is vurtrig.

Troy Aikman: Went to the local rub and tug. He can do that now because he is divorced and won’t see Joe Buck until August.

02.16.11 at 3:13 pm

Fat Punk Kicker

Reggie Bush: Blew out his thumb dialing Kim kardashian’s phone number 15 times between 3AM and 6 AM

02.16.11 at 3:26 pm

porky1

Wade Phillips: Made his wife a cookie but he eated it.

02.16.11 at 3:30 pm

Jamaal Charles's Stolen TDs

Kevin Kolb: Watched Michael Vick steal his betrothed.

02.16.11 at 3:43 pm

Purple Jesus

Marshawn Lynch: APPLEBEEZ

02.16.11 at 3:44 pm

Purple Jesus

Jason Garrett: Complex, intricate scavenger hunt for his wife involving multiple swing passes, then retiring to the Eating Club for the evening. Mmm. Yes. Indeed.

02.16.11 at 3:46 pm

Purple Jesus

Brittfar: Sent dick pics to every female in his phone
/obvious

02.16.11 at 3:51 pm

Jamaal Charles's Stolen TDs

Terry Bradshaw: Inexplicably ended the day with as many chicks as Joe Montana.

02.16.11 at 3:56 pm

grungedave

Randy Moss: went on three different dates, one with an ex-girlfriend, yet each date ended early and no one scored.

02.16.11 at 4:00 pm

City of Industry Football Corporation

Sam Bradford: Masturbated to NFC West Standings.

02.16.11 at 4:05 pm

TH/DeSean Is My Anti-Drug

Brent Celek: Fuck his wife, do Captain Morgan pose.

02.16.11 at 4:10 pm

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

Joe Montana: His brother gave him a Ferrari, his cousin was a plastic surgeon who fixed up his face a bit, his best friend let him wear some pretty nifty clothes, and his dad made sure that his brother, cousin, and best friend were all willing to cooperate. He nailed four chicks that evening.

Wayne Chrebet: woke up not knowing where he was and couldn’t remember his own name or recognize his wife or kids. CONCUSSIONS CAN LEAD TO BRAIN DAMAGE AND AREN’T FUNNY, YOU ASSHOLES

You guys are all amazing. Jamaal Charles’s Stolen TDs – I can’t name 5 kommenters who did a better job than you today

02.16.11 at 6:33 pm

Purple Jesus

Philip Rivers: Sired a new batch of Prince Laserfaces, threw chocolates and flowers at his wife, which are still floating in the air. They are expected to arrive sometime around next Valentine’s Day.

02.16.11 at 6:52 pm

Harbaugh Leads the League in Enthusiasm

Frank Gore: Broke four tackles on the way to the mall to get a present for his girlfriend, but was too exhausted to drive home. Gore plowed headfirst down the street on foot, stiff armed an SUV and trucked the door.

02.16.11 at 7:00 pm

Spanky Datass

Tony Romo: Took girlfriend to Mexico. Felt it just wasn’t the same without Jessica. Adjusted his shoulder sling. Was sad.

02.16.11 at 7:08 pm

Spanky Datass

Albert Haynesworth: Ate entire right side of Dennys menu. (Hat tip to Mike Cox…) Fell motionless on eight person circular bench seat in corner while BritFar and Tiger harassed/sexted waitresses. Then in lieu of tip the trio left a note saying only “Grand slam, thank you Ma’am.”

02.16.11 at 7:13 pm

Spanky Datass

Name five consecutive posts in five-plus minutes better than Otto Mans. You can’t!

02.16.11 at 8:24 pm

Endonatas Motiejunas

Tony Romo: Manages to bring his woman to climax, but breaks his rib in the process.

Greg Jennings: Put the bitch on his back doe and fucking do this shit. FO MADDEN.

02.16.11 at 8:30 pm

Endonatas Motiejunas

Darren Shawpwa: Despite being one of the most hardest hittinest safeties in da leeeg, refuses to retire and ends up embarrassing himself.

02.16.11 at 8:32 pm

Endonatas Motiejunas

Wade Phillips: Sneaks into his old office to get that last box of Ho-hos, masturbates while crying and eating. Jerry watches…and approves.

02.16.11 at 9:09 pm

House of Lofty Passes

Derek Anderson: Got dumped by his ugly ass girlfriend, picked up by a chick who was hot a few years back but has gotten really ugly with age. The chick dumps him for a young guy when she realizes Anderson’s inability to perform.

He later blows up at his friends who questioned if he was really committed to a relationship

02.16.11 at 10:28 pm

limpy

No one took Pac Man?

Oh he gon drank.

02.17.11 at 12:26 am

Say Queensbridge

Tom Coughlin: Took his wife out for dinner and in the middle of a romantic speech managed to grab the waiter for another bottle of wine. Did pretty well for someone going through something emotional.

02.17.11 at 1:49 am

Moose (Favre's Penile Legacy)

“Kurt Warner: Read Scripture with Brenda. And then anal.”

Brenda has a large strap-on??

02.17.11 at 9:51 am

Fantasy Foosball

Josh McDaniel: Had sex with wife, then divorced her, then disowned his children

02.17.11 at 10:15 am

DancingBaptist

Jerry Jones: Rented out a strip club for him and 100 of his closest buddies. Found out when they got there that it only seats 75.

02.17.11 at 11:21 am

Dread Pirate Roberts

Roy Williams: Took his girlfriend out to dinner. Dropped his napkin, his fork, his check on the floor. Didn’t tip his waitress. Got pissed off when his girlfriend left with a younger man named Miles who doesn’t drop things, and blamed it on Tony Romo.

02.17.11 at 11:30 am

Arrowhead Parking Lot Orgy

Brian Bosworth: Dusted off the old ’87 Corvette and went cruising around for women. Thinking he was big shit, he drove on the wrong side of the road because he’s Brian Bosworth. Immediately got blasted head on by Bo Jackson’s Ford Pinto. The Corvette broke to pieces and Bosworth hung up his keys.

02.17.11 at 1:03 pm

ColtMcCoySavesLives

Brian Piccolo: Went out with a lung.

/too early?
//is cancer survivor, i guess that makes the joke less taboo

02.18.11 at 12:14 pm

cromarties kids

Antonio Cromartie: Had sex with 6 women… all without condoms. This was even after the women reminded him to put a rubber on because they weren’t on birth control. He wanted to call them later on but he sadly couldnt remember any of their names.

04.02.11 at 12:47 am

Pimp'nlikeDis54

Brett Farve:Is getting sued for showing women his tiny ant penis.Only way a woman would look at it