Note:
The below essays were not edited by EssayEdge Editors. They appear as they
were initially reviewed by admissions officers.

SAMPLE
ESSAY 1: Harvard, personal identity: Bedroom tour

If someone were to look through
your bedroom, what do you hope your possessions would convey about you?

A typical teen’s room? In
some respects, yes, but in many ways, my room has become an extension of my
personality, interests and values. Upon entering, one would probably notice
the lack of any music group, scantily clad female model, or indeed, any
adornment at all on my walls. I prefer the unsoiled look of clean walls,
which provide a sense of calm. However, my room is far from military
precision and order; my bed lies unmade and yesterday’s wardrobe gathers
dust on the floor. The visitor may consider my room tidy, but not
inflexible.

While touring my room, one
would surely stop to look through the room’s workspace, my desk and
computer. The desktop is fairly organized, consisting of a pencil holder,
desk calendar, and assorted textbooks. The calendar is full of important
dates-tests, deadlines, and of course, the rare days off from school.
Academics are one of my highest priorities, but would be useless without
occasional relaxation. Above my desk hangs a bulletin board. Similar to the
calendar, it holds important pieces of information, as well as a few
personal items. A postcard, a present from my grandfather, would likely
catch one’s eye. The postcard is from my homeland, and includes a famous
quote by Mahatma Gandhi. It reminds me of the country I was born in, and the
ties I have to my original culture. Directly below the postcard hang a few
baby pictures of myself, mementos of a simpler time. Alongside my desk is a
computer, without which I could not survive. The slightly outdated, yet
fully competent Apple Macintosh aids with school, and, nearly any other
activity I participate in. The Mac also has a modem, connecting me to the
global community linked through the Internet. I am very interested in the
Internet, and have found it a very useful source of information for
everything ranging from tomorrow’s weather to buying a new car. Upon
leaving my workspace, I hope my possessions would convey that I am serious
about my work, but I approach it with practicality and a grain of salt.

On the other side of my room
lies my relaxation area, commonly referred to as a bed. Strewn about the bed
are two magazines which represent my interests, MacWorld and Time. I read
these magazines daily, to keep up with current events as well as
advancements in the information age. Atop my bureau lays the latest work by
Stephen King. The content may not be as deep and insightful as Jane
Austen’s or Keats, but his stories serve their purpose in providing light
entertainment. The bed is unmade, a fact for which I feel no remorse.
Although my mother disapproves, I consider an unmade bed a symbol of rest
and quietude. My bed may be considered utilitarian, for its uses are not
limited to sleeping upon. Some of my best moments of focus and concentration
have occurred while lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling, producing
thoughts ranging from T.V. shows to pondering college life. Few teen rooms
can be considered complete without a loud stereo and an assorted collection
of tapes and C.D.’s. My room is no different-my music collection occupies
two shelves. Past the techno-rubble of the Eighties lie my current
favorites, alternative rock. If a visitor were to turn on the stereo, he
would find a couple presets devoted to “homework” music, classical and
light jazz. I find that these sounds provide a sense of tranquility while
trying to do homework, write reports, or complete college essays. My bed and
surrounding areas represent my non-academic, more human interests. They
personify the activities and hobbies which I truly enjoy, and provide a
breather from some of the more rigorous aspects of life.

After exiting my room, I would
hope my visitor learned a few important things about me. I consider my
academics seriously, and devote much of my time (and room) to them. However,
they do not necessarily dominate my existence; loud music and Stephen King
novels also play a role.

COMMENTS:

While no one felt that this
essay was strongly flawed, they made a number of suggestions about how the
author could have rewritten the essay to create more of an impact.

The writing style is a
little too rigid. The writer should let go of the fear that he won’t
be taken seriously unless he uses a formal style. The writer should
replace stodgy sounding phrases like “while touring my room,” with
the more straightforward, “as you look around my room.” If this were
one of my students asking advice, I’d pat him on the back and say,
“Lighten up, it’s your bedroom. Don’t use words like quietude and
utilitarian. Relax and have fun with this.”

The last paragraph needs
to be dropped altogether. If the essay has done it’s job, recaps like
this are obvious and unnecessary.

This essay does not,
unfortunately, convey an impression of a very active person. Whether or
not he meant to, I picture the author as someone who spends a lot of
time alone in his room playing with his computer and reading lightweight
novels. I don’t see what he would contribute to campus life. This is
something that applicants to technical institutions in particular should
be wary of. Admission officers at such places tend to be especially
unreceptive to applicants who seem to believe that being a “computer
jock” is all the credentials they need for admission.