Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Nostalgia... again

It was all conjured up thanks to reading at sherene's blog, one of my best roomie ever. I realise I had very good roomies in secondary schools. Yun Ru, Sherene, April. All of whom I really treasure.

SC. It's a place I didn't take up much responsibilities. It's a place I didn't make many friends. Most of my friends came from the scholars group then. Even during prom night, we sat with scholars. Don't call us elitist, we just feel more comfortable with each other somehow. SC was even the place where I faced discrimination from friends and teachers, but, it's still a memorable place.

I love the building. JY and erene once commented that SC looks old as compared to Nanyang. While I agree with that, I choose to look at them as signs of liveliness. I like the pearly white spiral staircase, where I absolutely don't mind climbing up everyday to reach staff room, labs or classrooms. I love the french windows, where it faces rustic greenery. I love the way school takes care of us. Every teacher calls us 'girls' affectionately (like what Sherene says,'unlike the professor now who doesn't even call us'). Classroom has strictly no aircons, though SC is rich. Because air con is bad for skin. No fries in the canteen, though the canteen aunties still sell them secretly. Because it contains too much oil. Nonetheless, classroom is always airy and bright, due to the high ceiling and the good ventilation. Meepok still taste fantastic and it's one of my memorable food now. (why doesn't NTU have it?!!) I heard that meepok uncle has passed away. The tailor Nancy too. And Miss Ma has stopped teaching. Miss Heng has retired. Even though I have graduated from it for quite some time, even though I thought I could let this piece of memory rest peacefully at the bottom of my heart, it can just be conjured up so easily. By a post, by a news, by a word - 'girl'.

I still remember the cosy library, where I will try to study but always end up sleeping. I still remember the comp lab at level 2, where I once diligently prepare my slides about SC for computer studies. even though no points were counted. I still remember shopping with Mrs. Lee for furnitures in the scholars' room, where nobody really used it eventually. I miss the eco pond, where I will sit there in the evening to de-stress. I miss the squash court. It's my little haven during recess time when I got burned out. I love the school song. It's the only school song that I sing it sincerely every morning without grumble. I love the PE sessions where we got to choose what we want to do (in sec 4 to de-stress). I just realised, everything boils down to, I love the culture. I love the way we are pampered.

You can say that I am just dependent. Yes I am not disagreeing with that. Sometimes I really hope that those childhood companions can just be here, right here when I feel lost and helpless. And when I say childhood it isn't a memory too faraway. It's about my sec sch frens my jc frens.

Perhaps it is just my nonnormative life events. I don't grow up with my family. And that makes me feel really insecure. I haven't had a good emotional base before I stepped out. The emptiness of emotions was masked by the new-found independence and luring opportunities. I lost myself and didn't realise that. I never realised that I haven't been equipped with the right skills before I was forced to grown up. You may say I look well-adapted, you may say I look as if I can mix with people well. But deep down inside, I know I haven't been able to handled myself well. I can always feel this sense of inadequacy in me, yet unable to name it. And every now and then, when stress comes up, when friends are not anywhere near, my inadequcy will be exposed, consuming me up again and again.