Dirty Little Secrets

Dirty Little Secrets will be an ongoing series on the blog. I share my dirty little secrets, which are barely dirty and mostly not secret, and then you share your similar secrets in the comments. No judging, just lots of love. The kind of sharing that Grover taught us on Sesame Street. [Please note: if you did not learn how to share from Grover on Sesame Street, you are probably too young for this blog. Get your butt over here post-haste.]

– I don’t really have a problem with Justin Bieber. I know all the cool kids hate him, but I think he’s cute in a obnoxious way. I mean, he’s like 16, people! Everyone is an idiot at 16. Plus, he’s got the Usher stamp of approval. You don’t argue with that.

– I have a crush on John McCain. Not old man John McCain, but young POW John McCain. Cheating, conservative twatish tendencies aside, he was kinda hawt.

-On the topic of crushes, here are some of my other more embarrassing ones: Kevin Smith, Eminem, Ian McKellan, Ben Affleck, Patrick Stewart and 50 Cent. Not kidding.

– There is a distinct possibility that while I will not enter my child into pageants a’la Toddlers and Tiaras, I cannot say the same about me having a wardrobe full of poufy giant dresses for them. Including tiaras.

– I am terrified of scary children in movies. I hate scary movies in general, but creepy children make me climb the walls and cry for my momma.

– I don’t know anything about cars and I think they’re kind of boring, but I adore Top Gear.

– There was a point in time when I could not only name the season of Buffy by Willow’s hairdo, but I could possibly give you a synopsis based on the episode title.

– I love being a woman, but I really really really want to grow up to be a drag queen. My best friend is a former Miss Gay Texas, and I’m still jealous. I think this has always been a dream of mine, considering that two of my dreams as a child were to be a Solid Gold Dancer and to be on Puttin’ on the Hits.

– I don’t really like chocolate. Just not my thing. I know, I know.

– I maybe might have owned all of Celine Dion’s albums up until the late 90’s. Maybe.

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44 comments on “Dirty Little Secrets”

I’m with you on chocolate, sister. I do love Lindor Balls, and my husband has me hooked on Bissinger (which is crazy expensive but also crazy good), but I can do with, like, one piece of chocolate every six months and not miss it. It’s not that I don’t like it, but I don’t crave it like most women. I do have a weakness for brownies, though. I won’t seek them out, but if there’s a plate of them nearby, watch out. I don’t like chocolate cake, but brownies are a different animal. 🙂

My celebrity crush? Seth Meyers. I just adore him, especially when his Weekend Update alter-ego is being all sweet to gay, confused, meth-ed up Stefon. AND, even more, when he’s ranting about conservatives.

I know!!! That was my favorite Stefon yet. When he came on, C said, “I just don’t think they can top the Christmas one.” But I’m a sucker for when the cast members start cracking up during their skits.

Loving Patrick Stewart isn’t a dirty little secret. The man is a sex-god. Nothing wrong with being proud of that.

My secret? I don’t own a TV, but I get really easily sucked into terrible shows when the opportunity arises. As in, four episodes in a row of Teen Mom, followed by four episodes in a row of Bridezillas, followed by nursing my TV hangover for days.

Okay…Patrick Stewart is easy to understand. He’s just…awesome. I have the weirdest crush on Hugh Laurie. I get like…NERVOUS watching House at home…every once in a while I pipe up with, “He’s so talented, isn’t he?!” to Isaiah and he immediately commences the mocking that will go on for the rest of the night. “He’s SOOOOO talented, isn’t heee? *Swooooon*”

Dyson’s are the WORST! It’s all FANTASTIC marketing. My mom got one and almost immediately traded it back for a Miele – try those out!

I’m not huge on chocolate, either. I mean, I’ll eat it, don’t get me wrong! Jeez…But I never crave it even a little.

Ooh, Ooh! Another embarrassing celebrity crush? Alec Baldwin…Not even sexy young Alec from like the Beetlejuice days…I like him now and I don’t feel great about that, haha…It’s the voice, I think.

GAH, I’m like that about David Tennant. He’s just SO good and then I get caught up in the performance and suddenly I need a lie-down to recover from the awesome.
Those Brits, man….

And you’re breaking my heart on the Dyson!! I’ll definitely check out the Miele, though.
I don’t even LIKE vaccuuming, but I think I would if I had something amazing. With a canister so I can look at all it picks up and go, “EWWW!”

My mom – who has a shepherd/some kind of large terrier or poodle (God only knows) mix, who molts undercoat and whose hair has broken every other vacuum she’s ever owned – SWEARS by her Oreck. It’s the only vacuum that can withstand Max-hair, according to her.

I can’t speak for the Miele vacuum cleaners, but my MIL has a Miele dishwasher, and that thing is the devil.

Embarrassing celebrity crush – David Bowie. Why a man with skinny thighs then I have ever had is hot, but there is something about him. The embarrassing part is it all began when I was 7 and saw Labryinth. Blue eyeshadow, spandexed, creepy baby snatcher David Bowie.

I admit that the only reason we change our sheets every 2 weeks (and not 3-4) is because I’m worried the cleaning woman will judge us. Although, really, the frequency of our sheet-washing is probably the thing that’s least worthy of being judged that she’s seen in our house!

I’m with you on the Willow and love for Buffy. I love, love that show and still watch reruns of it. Also, I think the cool kids liked Spike, but I was an Angel gal myself. When he showed up at Prom? Tears.

I love the smell of scotch tape. Maybe it reminds me of presents. I have been known to tear off a piece of tape just to get a whiff (!)

I also love the smell of my dog after she’s been sleeping. I say, “She’s cooking up a good smell!”

Oh, I know! It’s got to be one of the most moving episodes. Well, that and when Oz left to find himself. I cried like a baby. It was like Oz left me! I tried to hide it from Mike, but there was no hiding it. Willow said, “Don’t you love me?”

My secret: I thought I was going to be “discovered” by giving a tape of a song I wrote and sang to O-town. I had a missed call from a blocked number the day after I met them, and I was convinced it was them calling to tell me how they were going to hook me up with their agent or something. Also, I was pretty positive that once I became a famous pop singer, Ashley Parker Angel and I were going to fall in love and get married.

YOU are amazing. I have no idea who O-Town is, but I will be googling them and then I will think you are even more amazing. I mean, who gives out demo tapes like that?!? Only people in movies and people who are amazing, THAT’S who.

I find your chutzpah admirable and wonderful. Plus, I find making music to be magic. I have no idea how its done and anyone who does it I think has mystical powers or something.
Jethro plays like 4 instruments and has perfect pitch. I’m hoping our kids get that from him and not his love of cheese and car shows.

Ok lady, here’s a few of mine.
1. I will eat other people’s leftovers. I will eat it all. I will lick the plate. I am gross.
2. I have a weird James Spader thing.
3. I will NEVER touch the fish in the children’s touch tank at the aquarium.
4. When I was home from college one year, I ate an ENTIRE cherry pie in a sitting and lied my ass off about it. Sorry Mom.

1. That’s probably why Jethro doesn’t eat leftovers. You took all the leftover eatin’ genes.
2. Me too. More so now that he’s kinda puffy. Makes him look vulnerable. I also will not be convinced that he isn’t exactly like his character on Boston Legal.
3. Doesn’t Jenn have a weird fish thing too? What’s up with you lot and fish?
4. I’m tellin’.

I too have recently developed a crush on Eminem… what gives?! I saw the interview Anderson Cooper did of him and I kind of fell, hard.
Also – this isn’t a dirty little secret – just a comment on one of yours – Justin Bieber says LIKE, LIKE, LIKE… ALL THE TIME. It LIKE drives me, LIKE insane!😉

I have way more dirty little secrets I can’t think of at the moment… so I’ll share on the next post (if I remember them then…)😉

Not to be the TOTAL downer here – but I have a new found HATE for Justin Bieber since his rolling stone interview where he said that he didn’t believe in abortion and then when asked about in cases of rape his quote is “That’s really sad, but I believe everything happens for a reason.” Granted he’s 16, but no. I can’t get on board the Bieber Fever train. no.

Okay, fine, stupid rape comments aside, I have no problem with him. I live in Texas, if I hated on everyone who made stupid statement regarding hypothetical moral dilemmas, I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to….

GOD! I read that and I wanted to punch him! Like, not your place to say, dude. Especially because a bunch of girls adore you and listen to everything you say!!!!! GAH. I had a cougar crush on him until then, dammmit.

My dirty little secret? I’m kind of a hipster. The only thing saving me is a belief that life is to short to like things ironically. The hipster things I like (sparrows, the Decemberists) I really do like.

I’m a little late to the party here, but I feel compelled to say that I have had a crush on Patrick Stewart since I was a dorky tween spending my Saturday nights watching Star Trek:TNG. That man only gets better. Incidentally, I also have a major crush on older, chubby Alec Baldwin and Labyrinth David Bowie. I’m also with you on the chocolate, Top Gear, and the young John McCain photo.

Since we’re sharing – I always say excuse me when I burp in front of my dogs, I’m absolutely terrified of statues, and every time I try to do an impression of Natalie Merchant it comes out as Neil Diamond.

All of your crushes (how sad I had to google the plural form of crush..lawd), are perfectly normal except John McCain. Despite the pic which I’ve never seen before (not bad tho), I just see his bland personality along with it and no.Just no. But more importantly, I was in love with Solid Gold as a kid. I wanted to be Darcel, the pretty black dancer with legs longer than me & my sister laid end to end. She was all glittery golden goddessy and I named my fave barbie after her as a show of my devotion. And don’t even get me started on Puttin’ on the Hits…that and Dance Fever were major obsessions. major.