Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.

Airline “Customer Service” – HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

My in-laws have to leave early. As in tomorrow. There’s been a family emergency back home, and they have to cut their visit short. I’m really bummed. We’ve all enjoyed our time together, and it’s been great to see the kids reconnect closely with their grandparents. Hopefully they’ll get to visit again soon. 🙁

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WARNING! RANT ON SUCKY AIRLINE CUSTOMER SERVICE ABOUT TO UNFOLD BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES…

I’m really sick of airline customer service. (I’m sick of outsourced customer service in general.) I can’t take it anymore. I hate speaking to someone in Timbuktu about something they have no real idea about here in AMERICA and can’t even communicate with me understandably anyway. I’m a child of foreign-born parents, as is my husband, so I have nothing against “foreigners”. I have accomodated a foreign language in my immediate family my ENTIRE life. I have no prejudice against foreign languages or people who are learning English either. And I can understand most accents better than a lot of people. In spite of all my hugely accomodating and rather likeable traits, I DO have a GROWING ANGER ISSUE and DEFINITE PROBLEMA with calling something “customer SERVICE” that falls SO dang short of the definition. And lately, English (or lack thereof) is a major factor in this particular shortfall among American companies. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when expecting an AMERICAN company to offer customer service in American ENGLISH, not some other take on English that requires me to say, “What?” in every other sentence.

Anyway, my in-laws were on the phone with a certain dufusy airline for almost two hours trying to get a flight changed. How frickin’ hard can it be? I was so p.o.’d by the end of the major runaround we got. Any decent company that is dealing with people and a medical emergency really ought to behave differently – ought to get a clue that their little piddly, legalistic rules CAN and SHOULD be bent under dire circumstances. Good grief. How hard is it to have a little basic compassion nowadays? It’s not like we WEREN’T going to pay the penalty for changing flight days. We were. You’d think they’d want their rip-off penalty money right quick. But NOOOOOO. I guess not. They’d rather dick around with people and waste EVERYONE’S time and money, instructing people to call this number and that number and then the original number… (Sarcastic, angry smirky mouthshape) Well GOLLY-GEE-WILLICKERS! Maybe all this waste-of-time-stupidity explains why American companies have to outsource so much in the first place. Whatever. Just do the business right in the first place and maybe falling profits wouldn’t be such a problem. Maybe people would be LOYAL to your company’s outstanding “services”. Duh. What a concept. Apparently too simple to act on though.

WARNING! MORE E-YELLING ABOUT TO UNFOLD…

Seriously. HOW HARD IS IT. Airlines sell tickets, and we customer types buy them. If they can’t even get THAT part of the biz right, I’m really concerned if we might not all be jeapoardizing OUR VERY LIVES on their rather complex flying machinery. I’d think the ticket sales would be the EASY part. But they make what is easy so very difficult. I don’t understand how airlines pilot planes if they can’t even handle phone calls and paperwork.

Also, I hate that stupid voice recognition system that some airlines use on their phone tree. I swear it’s just another time wasting mechanism designed to make people rip their eyebrows off while trying (in vain) to contact a live person who speaks regular English that isn’t just looking at a manual with every page saying, “I am not authorized”.

All you bungling American companies who use dumb-a++ voice recognition systems instead of actually HELPING your customers EFFICIENTLY: Get rid of Electronic “Customer Service” Robot Bob or BRAIN-FREE Sally or whatever name they’re using to humanize something that will NEVER be human. This stupid voice recognition “customer service” sucks almost as bad as the agent from Bangladesh that doesn’t understand what I’m saying in my perfectly plain Midwestern English, the most UNaccented, UNmarred, understandable version of English that exists on the ENTIRE PLANET. If you can’t understand ME, well, then you can’t understand ANYONE who claims to speak English. I’m totally serious. I make that claim with no hesitation whatsoever.

Plus if you so much as BREATHE TOO LOUDLY into the stupid voice recongition phone tree as it asks you inane, annoying questions, Robot Bob or Brain-Free Sally hiccups backwards into some question you already answered. Here’s how my conversation went as I tried to get a LIVE agent on the phone…

Me: Dialing 1-800-AIRLINE…waiting…waiting…

Robot Bob: Thank you for calling Dumb-A++ Airlines. How can I help you today?

Me: I want to

Robot Bob: (interrupting pleasantly) If at any time you need help during this call, just say “help”. Now, tell me what your problem is.

Me: How much time do you have? Oh crap. Forget THAT. I just want to change a flight.

Robot Bob: I’m sorry. I think you said, ‘crap’, but I’m not sure. Can you repeat that?

Me: CRAP!

Robot Bob: Great! Thanks for clarifying. Now will you be flying exclusively within the fifty United States?

Me: Yes.

Robot Bob: I’m sorry. I think you said, ‘yes’, but I’m not sure. Can you repeat that?

Me: (gritting teeth) YES.

Robot Bob: I’m sorry. Earlier, you said, ‘crap’ and now you’ve said ‘yes’. Would you like to try again?

Me: (throwing scissors across kitchen)

Robot Bob: I’m sorry. I still couldn’t understand that. I think you said, “*&^*$#@!” I’ll send you back to the main menu to start from the beginning.

Me: CR-A-A-A-P!

Robot Bob: Great! I think I got that. Now, in order to move onto solving your problem, tell me, what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Me: Wha…

Robot Bob: I’m sorry. I didn’t get that, but thank you for calling Dumb-a++ Airlines. (click)

Me: Wait! What do you mean? An African or European swallow? I saw that movie 22 times! Come back here you…you…stupid voice recongition boob!

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You think I just made up that conversation. Well I didn’t. Ok I made up at least a couple words, maybe two. But honestly, if I had had THIS conversation vs. the one I actually had, it would’ve made ZERO difference. I hate trying to get “service” as a customer anymore. It’s FUTILE. Utterly FUTILE. It makes me mad when senior citizens who are trying to get home to be with a dying relative frickin’ CAN’T.
Because “the computer won’t let them”.

We’re living in a true Matrix-like nightmare when HUMAN BEINGS have their hands tied because a “computer won’t let them”.

Like blogging about this even matters. I wasted my time. None of this is going to change. If anything it will get worse. I wonder what the world’s CHEAPEST labor force is? (Cock roaches? Banana slugs? Medical cadavers?) That’s where it’s all headed. No problem solving for America anymore. Just cheap, stupid fixes.

END OF RANT. Just let me vent. I know not everything I wrote is “reasonable”. Just leave it. I needed to get it off my chest. I get crazed when older people aren’t treated with care.

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.