Alabama Judge: ‘Let Hunters Gun Down Death Row Inmates’

‘Why go all the way to Africa to kill lions? We’re running out of execution drugs, let them hunt death-row inmates here!’ says judge

Alabama county Judge Arabella Squatpump has a unique solution to the problem of increasingly unavailable execution drugs – allow sports hunters like dentist Walter Palmer, killer of Cecil the Lion, to gun down condemned death-row convicts in special “execution zones.”

“Thanks to the libruls, good execution drugs just ain’t available no more,” Judge Squatpump explained in an interview.

“So t’other day I thought, hail, you can’t beat them to death with a bat, or just shoot ’em in the haid, blam! right there, in front of all them witnesses and reporters.

“Them damn libruls would be all over us like the blood on their Commie hands!”

The judge picked up a pre-publication copy of Hunting Humans featuring a cover photograph of Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven.

“And then, thank you Jaysus, it came to me,” she said. “Why in the hail go all the way to Africa to kill some larns and elphints and maybe a geeraffe or two when you can have even more fun and perform a public service by huntin’ down the most dangerous animal of all – Man?”

She pointed out the window. “We could set it up for them all right here, in Alabama. We got lots of guys on death row, and are negotiating some from other states.

“Not Texas, though, they like to kill their own, especially if they have low IQs.”

The judge said that there would be “absolutely no danger” for the hunters, since they would be issued with state-certified AR-15s and shoot from specially adapted armored vehicles.

Armed paramilitary guards would provide extra security, “so it will be as easy and safe as an African safari.

“And just like in Zimbabwe, the prey won’t be armed, and additionally will be confined in walled-off execution zones we call the Coliseum. The lions are thrown to the Christians, geddit? Basically, you just pick ’em off from inside a truck.”

She went on: “It will really be quite humane, and certainly less cruel and unusual than poisoning a man on an operating table and watching him burn to death from the inside for nearly an hour.

“In America there’s nothing cruel or at least unusual about gunning down a total stranger, especially if he’s a nig – a black dude.”

The judge smiled. “I’m a proud Christian mom, you know, so we’re even thinking of a children’s program, run by Burgers ‘n Bullets.

“I mean, American kids gotta learn how to kill and be killed, right? One of these days someone’s gonna take a shot at their school or when they’re at the movies.”

She wound up: “So one way or another, we figure this new death- row program will generate a tremendous revenue stream, what with family picnics, spectators, and of course TV rights.”

Responding to a question, the judge said: “Yes, naturally, we’ll be charging the hunters for the privilege. This is America. Make a buck, right?

“I heard some of them guys paid up to $50,000 for their trophies in Africa. We’ll do them a much better deal, around five grand, and provide some real dangerous gorillas. It’ll also be a much more enjoyable hunting experience.”

“And by the way,” she added, “we’re also offering an optional photo and taxidermy package for only $2000 more. Them stuffed heads are gonna look great on people’s walls.”

Judge Squatpump noted that the death-row program already had the enthusiastic support of the NRA, whose former president, Wayne La Pierre, had volunteered to carry out the first “Killings for Jesus,” as the program was named.

Dick Cheney would be next, and had promised to aim low so as not to disfigure the trophy heads.

“Bottom line” Judge Squatpump smiled “is the murderers and marijuana smokers will get executed in a fun and cost-effective way,”.

“And best of all, we won’t have to hassle about getting execution drugs no more.”

“You could say,” she added, “that we’re killing two birds with one stone.”