Monday, November 2, 2015

Demonstrating a firm command of the obvious, the strategic
minds at Lyft and Uber Operations have been incessantly texting me the past
couple of weeks to remind me that Halloween weekend will be busy. That and the
sky gets darker after sunset so remember to use those headlights.

In addition, I’ve been reminded that, by providing candy, a
mix of Halloween music and a couple of masks for the nitrous oxide tank, I’ll
not only clean up in tips (Lyft, of course) but I’ll compete with the Top
Drivers, money wise (Uber).

As I write this, Lyft sent me another text, less than a half
hour later than the last one. Just in case I’d forgotten that it’s Halloween
Weekend or hadn’t yet learned to use a calendar.

Lyft advised drivers to get into the spirit of things by
wearing a costume. I’m wearing jeans and a Hawaiian shirt, going as a “clueless
Lyft driver”:

“Wow, it’s really busy tonight. What, it’s Halloween?
Really? Come to think of it, I have seen a lot of costumes out there. Well,
shoot, I should have provided some candy. There’s a couple of mints from Carl’s
Jr. in the console, if you want to dig around in there. Bottled Blonde? I don’t
think they’re open right now, salons usually close by 10 at the latest. You
might have to wait until tomorrow to get your hair cut.”

Then, I’ll speed the wrong way up a highway exit ramp. In
the spirit of the season, I’ll scare the hell out of them.

So yeah, Halloween is kind of ad hoc for me, what with Lyft
and Uber being so tight lipped about the whole thing. Who knew?

A friend of mine, who worked in one of those Everything
Halloween stores that pop up in empty retail spaces every year during the last
full moon in July, said that it wasn’t until October 31 that the place became
absolutely insane. He said that they hired off-duty police on Halloween to make
sure people don’t think they’re modeling cop costumes but there to prevent
crowds from going zombie apocalypse on the clerks.

There’s always those last minute shoppers who opt for the
Fairy Rat Queen or perverted food item or the countless other WTF costumes offered
up as options for those of us with no talent with duct tape or crayons.
However, it seems that the people who’ve suddenly decided that dressing up and
going out beats staying at home and pretending to be a Jehovah’s Witness hardly
account for the insanity my friend describes.

We can only conclude that there are actually people who have
their day interrupted by the horrific realization that it’s Halloween. Bins of
candy blocking store aisles since August suddenly became salient when a clerk,
dressed as a Dominatrix Rachel Ray says, “Happy Halloween!” and hands over the
receipt with a Jack-o-lantern printed on it. Then shoehorn their way into the
Halloween store with the hope that the Slutty Elephant Stormtrooper costumes
haven’t been picked clean.

Obviously, that was written before Halloween, you know, the
one everyone had a few days ago. At around midnight, Lyft alerted me to the
fact that, “There are more calls for rides than drivers! It’s Saturday night,
you loser, why are you wasting your time at a real cool party or having sex?!?
Get on the road and get puked on!”

I was on the road when I got the text, picking Frank up from
a really cool party. The LomL and I stayed in to watch the World Series. She
handed out the candy, a beacon of sweetness even to the teenagers who didn’t
bother with anything other than a look of, “It’s my last year at this, I’m
tired.” When it was my turn to hand out candy, I did so with the horrified look
of someone who couldn’t believe someone was standing at the door.

I hope it went well for those intrepid drivers out on Halloween.
I hope it was worth the hassle, that the money was good and that there was a
minimum of mayhem and emesis.