Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
1460

The Mime's New Job
One day, an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off, so he offers the mime a job to dress up as a gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job: he can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people, and draw in bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
But eventually, the crowds tire of him and he gets bored of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day, the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day while he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage, with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, when the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?" Pat S.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
1461

Anything Else
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words.
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about."
"Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and disheveled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator."
"She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style."
"She was cold, so I gave her a sweater I had bought you for your birthday, which you never wore because the color did not suit you."
"Her pants were worn out so I gave her one of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then, when she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'" Rosie F.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
1462

Whose Is It
One morning a milkman was delivering milk to one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bedsheet with a hole in the middle, hanging up in her living room. The housewife explained that she'd had a party the night before in which the guests played "Whose Is It?" -- each of the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity.
"Gee, that sounds like fun," said the milkman. "Sure wish I'd been there."
"You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three times!" Corey B.

Thursday

Joke
N°
1463

How Golf Is Like Peeing In A Restroom10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, and feet shoulder-width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum. Fred N.

Friday

Joke
N°
1464

The Confessional
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."
The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"
"Well, we got undressed and 'rubbed' together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
"Well Father, I rubbed up against it, and since you said it was the same as putting it in..." Larry T.

Saturday

Joke
N°
1465

The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. "Football." b. "Golf." c. "How fat you are." d. "How I would spend the insurance money if you died."
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "Yes!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include: a. "Oh yeah, sh*tloads." b. "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?" c. "That depends on what you mean by love." d. "Does it matter?" e. "Who, me?"
Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect answers are: a. "Compared to what?" b. "I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin." c. "A little extra weight looks good on you." d. "I've seen fatter." e. "Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died."
Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include: a. "Yes, but you have a better personality." b. "Not prettier, but definitely thinner." c. "Not as pretty as you when you were her age." d. "Define pretty." e. "Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died."
Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
Man: Sh*t. Charles D.

Sunday

Joke
N°
1466

Hangover Ratings* 1-star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You sleep in your own bed and when you wake up, there are no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians crave a cheeseburger and a basket of fries.
** 2-star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanor at the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the Net and writing junk e-mail.
*** 3-star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels like crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
Anytime someome walks by your desk you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a two-liter bottle of Coke, watching daytime TV.
You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, two burritos, and a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, yet you haven't peed once.
**** 4-star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks and can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class, circa 1976.
You would give a week's pay for one of the following: home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so that you can go back to last night and change the fact that you went out.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
***** 5-star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee sitting next to you.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.
****** 6-star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about two hours of sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for takeoff and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do now, you're going to vomit.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht, fully sailing. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls, knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky, you remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short-lived.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died down to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass by your disgusted partner getting up for the day, as you try to climb into bed. She abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept her advice and take a shower. Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop of alcohol again, and who knows, for the next two or three hours you might even succeed. Jon T. Riley