The Thanksgiving Plan

Cut from Tales from the Bad Years

MAN 1: It’s just a turkey.WOMAN 2: Just a turkey?WOMAN 1: Is that what you think Thanksgiving is?MAN 1: What’s the big deal?WOMAN 3: Okay. Why don’t you make Thanksgiving Dinner?MAN 1: Fine. We will.MAN 2: We will?MAN 1: Yeah.WOMAN 1: Dinner’s at five. (She sets a timer.)MAN 2: What are you guys gonna do?WOMAN 3: I don’t know – what guys normally do on Thanksgiving. So – nothing? (The women exit.)MAN 1: Can you believe them? They don’t think we can make Thanksgiving dinner.MAN 2: We can’t make Thanksgiving dinner.MAN 1: No, no. Thanksgiving is our birthright, our heritage. Saying that you can’t make Thanksgiving dinner is like saying you don’t understand football. It’s un-American. I tell you, bro – all we need is a plan.

MAN 1We’ll make a feast. We’ll revolutionize the spread.With perfect gravy and pies bigger than your head.Woah-oh-oh.Today we change the face of butterball.The greatest turkey of them all.

MAN 2We have them creamed.

MAN 1They are like putty in our hands.

MAN 2Here comes the kickoff.

MAN 1Crowds are cheering in the stands.

BOTHAhh!

MAN 1Have you ever seen a turkey cry?

MAN 2No.

MAN 1Well, you’re going to.And do you know why?Do you know why?

MAN 2Why?

MAN 1We got a plan.

MAN 2We’ve got a plan?

MAN 1We’ve got a Thanksgiving plan.We’ve got a monumental, gastronomic, bona fide plan.You can try to tell a brother he can’t, but he can.Do you know the story of the man with the plan?

MAN 2No.

MAN 1You are the man.

MAN 2I am the man?

MAN 1You are the man with the plan.You are a Martha Stewart Living, Epicurious man.You can try to tell a brother he can’t, but he can.Do you know why no one can compete with the plan?

MAN 2Why?

MAN 1They have no plan.

The women enter.WOMAN 1: So how’s it going?MAN 2: Do we have a mashy thing?MAN 1 (overlapping): Great. It’s going great.WOMAN 2: We were just gonna go play some X-Box… unless you guys need help.MAN 1: No. We’re great!WOMAN 3: Nothing like a little X-Box to work up an appetite.MAN 1: Will do.They exit.MAN 1 (under his breath): Shit.

BOTHYou are the man with the plan.You are an ultramodern, photogenic, happening man.You can try to tell a brother he can’t but he can.Do you know why no one can complete with us?Do you know why no one messes with the plan?They have no plan.They have no plan.They have no…

The timer dings.

WOMAN 1: Time’s up.WOMAN 3: What d’ya have, boys?MAN 1: Well… we’ve got um… a…MAN 2: We’ve got some pickle stuffing and…MAN 1: Soufflé?WOMAN 2: Wow.MAN 1: I don’t know. Maybe you guys were right. Did you know that a turkey cooks for like nine hours?WOMAN 1: Yes. Did you know that I’m really good at football?MAN 2: That wasn’t football.WOMAN 3: That’s not stuffing.MAN 1: So now we don’t have Thanksgiving dinner.WOMAN 1: Not exactly.WOMAN 2 rolls on a cart of food.MAN 2: What?

WOMAN 3We had a plan.

MAN 1They had a plan.

WOMAN 3We had a really good plan.We had a multitasking, playing sports while making food plan.You can try to tell a sister she can’t but she can.Do you know the story of the girls with the plan?