The Super Bowl is famous for the ads and the game, but also because of the elaborate halftime shows featuring artists that no one who watches football listens to. Halftime, in my eyes, is the perfect time to use the bathroom, eat some food, poop in someone else’s house, and make another drink. Everyone else, usually the girls, is watching the halftime show.

Remember The Black Eyes Peas? Me either, like my childhood, I blocked them out completely. But for those of you who do remember, you’ll remember it was terrible, and they’re terrible, and their fans are terrible, and their music is terrible. I’m getting physically upset just watching them perform in the video. The theme is Tron Legacy, so why not have Daft Punk be the performers? You know, since they did the soundtrack to the movie? Holy crap, that would be an amazing halftime show. Get on that, NFL.

Since there was a major war story happening during the halftime show, this got bumped until the conclusion of the game. Okay, I’m not supporting war by any means, but war really saved the day here. This is the a big moment where the NFL realized they could make a huge show of halftime, because the year before they featured Pete Fountain and the Nicholls State University Marching Band. Yeesh.

Imagine if this line-up were today. Wouldn’t you scratch your head and wonder what the hell was going on? Halftime shows are supposed to pump you up and get you ready for the second half, so watching Tony Bennett sing mid-game seems odd. He’s more of a funeral, or an old person’s award show kind of singer. The scariest thing about the video is that I wore almost the exact outfit to a friend’s wedding that Tony Bennett wears in the video. This was LAST YEAR.

A few years back I was working in Toronto, Canada and after work we all went to a bar called Jack Astor’s for some liquid refreshments. At one point in the night, all the televisions in the place started playing a Madonna concert DVD, and we immediately left. This performance activated my PTSD.