Momma's Boys

Mothers Strive To Mold Sensitive Young Men But Worry About Raising Sissies

July 28, 1996|By Bob Condor, Tribune staff writer.

She has been lecturing on the subject for nearly 50 years, and Olga Silverstein still senses the same basic anxiety from mothers about raising boys.

"Mothers feel a responsibility for their sons to fit cultural expectations of manliness," said Silverstein, a New York psychologist and founder of the family therapy movement. "No matter her deepest feelings about bringing up boys who respect women, a mother still most fears her boy will be a sissy."

This can make things complicated for parents--especially mothers--hoping to raise boys who will become loving, caring men. Growing up in a society that encourages equality between the sexes but can still cling to traditional roles (at home and work) only makes it more difficult.

"There is no simple formula for raising a boy who is sensitive to others and regards males and females as equals," said Dr. Robert Galatzer-Levy, a Chicago psychiatrist who counsels parents and children. "I ask parents to think through their values and beliefs about what they want to communicate to the child. Too many boys are hearing mixed messages."

Examples: It's not right to hit your little brother, but when the older boy is physically aggressive in a fight at school he isn't punished and might even be praised. A teenage boy is lectured on avoiding sex until a more responsible age, yet teased about having a girlfriend or pressed why he doesn't go on more dates. A young boy loves music but is steered toward participating in youth soccer rather than being allowed to play the piano more hours during summer.

"One important guidepost is being aggressive or hostile does not equate to masculinity," said Galatzer-Levy. "It's valuable to be explicit about that concept with your son. Give him a picture of what a good person acts like. Don't leave the boy to figure out what you mean. Too many parents are afraid to form a clear opinion on the subject."

Silverstein said parents should honor a child's unique identity and accept his differences when compared to other boys (including brothers) and even the father.

"If he likes to draw and paint, encourage those talents," said Silverstein, author of "The Courage to Raise Good Men (Penguin, $11.95). "If you want him to be physically active, don't close down parts of him to get this accomplished. If he's not interested in baseball or football, maybe riding a bike or hiking on nature trails better suits his interests."

The same goes if you have a tough little guy for a son.

"You don't have to discourage his tenacity, just work on other parts of his personality."

Like generations of moms before them, Silverstein said, many of today's mothers--"let's face it, they remain the primary parents"--still fear their influence might lead a boy to be less masculine. Family therapists also report mothers and fathers who worry about whether older sisters might have a similar influence."

A case in point: One North Shore couple recently staged a ballet lesson in their home to celebrate their daughter's fifth birthday. About a dozen girlfriends showed up to twirl in tutus at the instruction of a dance teacher. Joining the party was the couple's 2-year-old son, who insisted on wearing a pair of his sister's tights and a denim skirt.

The boy tried every step and smiled whether he fell on his butt or occasionally tiptoed correctly. He was adorable and comical and unflappable all at once. But was he risking his masculinity?

"We think it's normal," said the father, who videotaped the party and still laughs at the memory. "It's not like I talk about it all the time, but I did mention it at work and a few people admitted their sons did something similar--and they worried how it might affect their kids."

"It's nonsense to be concerned," Silverstein said. "There's nothing wrong with a young boy following the lead of his older sister. He'll stop. It's only temporary until he joins his own group of friends in school.

"If parents show they are frightened by a little boy wearing tights or associating with his sister, then you are sending negative signals to both kids about the girl's identity. It's as if people think girls contaminate boys."

While many fathers are certainly guilty of overprotecting a son's macho quotient, Silverstein said, mothers are often equally focused on separating the men from the boys.

"It's not uncommon for the parents to drive underground what sweetness the boy might possess," she explained. "They tell their sons that only girls play with dolls. Does that mean only girls will love children when they become adults?"

The temptation is to think a new generation of parents has whittled away at such tendencies. But Karen Owens, a family therapist in Lake Bluff and instructor at the College of Lake County, said research points otherwise.