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Because life doesn't go in a straight line.

Find Me Someone

For someone that should be an asexual shut-in (considering my abilities to handle intimacy and significant time spent with people other than my cat… okay, and that includes my cat), I am dying for some male up in my life.

To be fair, my last KISS (not to mention sexual experience) was my birthday. And let’s reiterate that my birthday was OVER two months ago. The last time I had sex… god. That was in December 2010. TWO THOUSAND AND TEN. I have not had sex since I graduated from college. That is a SIN.

Last night, we watched the movie that the playwright of this show wrote and directed, and his wife, one of our actresses and my closest friend in the house, was in. Their company produced it as well. It was, A) damn good, and B) featured a cast of actors I KNEW– perhaps not movie star famous, but definitely “oh, yeah! He was on Smash!” and “oh, of course, RENT was my first big musical, I know him.”

There’s one actor, though. One who I’ve known these guys were friends with since day one and I’ve been sort of squirreling info out of them.

1. He’s 29. (that’s only 6 yrs older than me)

2. He’s on Broadway right now.

3. He was on soap operas and won daytime Emmy’s (2 of them)

4. He texts my friends constantly with support, and even called my lady friend during his two show day in the middle of our tech to talk her down off the ledge of “oh my god why am I an actor I suck I hate everything I hate everyone.”

5. His mom was his date to the Emmy’s both times, and he cried thanking her. She also came to our show a couple of nights ago, loved it, will come again, and there’s a picture of her, her sister, and me and the two other ladies in the show.

6. He has a dog. A big one. (he also has two hands… big ones.)

7. Oh and he’ssingle.

So over the last month my lady friend has been joking about setting me up with him. She slaps my ass and tells me he’s an ass person. We talk about our dresses for industry nights and tells me it’s for him. She and I held hands during the lovey part of the movie between them. I’ve joked along with her about it… but unfortunately he is too good-looking, too talented, too fucking goddamn nice for me to just leave it at jokes.

He’s coming on our Monday industry performance. And I’ve already fallen in lust for him. The bad news is a play a 14 year old. I may wear short-shorts… but I’m still playing 14. Plus, I ain’t no soap star. Honestly, the most interesting thing about me is my intelligence, and I’m not sure that’s something that reads from the stage in this play (I play a smarty-pants… but again… fourteen).

We’ll have to wait and see. I have to keep forcibly pushing my expectations back into the ground. It’s stupid, it’s dumb, we don’t know each other, he’s a grown up, I’m a depressive mess of an unsigned, non-union actor who people think is teenaged. It doesn’t help that my body ain’t soap-opera sized.

So I’m trying to let it go. I can’t control it, and shit never works out like this anyway. It’s gotta be serendipity.
But if anything, this who emotional lustful experience has taught me that I’m ready. I want to have sex again. I want a man to throw me up against a wall and pin my arms back. I want to push him over onto his back, my hair falling on his face, and kiss his neck. I’m ready.

But am I?

Wait and see. Find the right road. DIscover it as it comes. I mean, it’s fucked up. I am too self-conscious and self-deprecating to think anyone in the world would find me interesting and attractive, so I just go back to those old flames, the ones that broke my heart.