July 15, 2012

In my early-to-mid 20's, I welcomed
the company of seemingly like-minded new people and befriended folk with a
moderate amount of enthusiasm. As I inched towards 30, I found that sustaining
newly minted friendships became a bit more complicated and difficult to sustain
as major life-events unfolded, interests changed, or connections simply
tapered off and waned. Now that I'm 34, I find the prospect of building new
bridges daunting. I've realized that
not only have I reached an impasse of sorts in my personal life, but as much as I enjoy
spending time alone, sometimes it feels bleak out on that ledge without someone
to chat to or be silly with. The older I become, the more difficult it becomes to cultivate or sustain new friendships with folks in my age group .

After college and well into adulthood,
the pool of friends becomes diluted, people become more consumed by their own endeavors, and relationships
start becoming more compartmentalized to fit where people are in their respective
lives: mothers tend to gravitate towards other women who have children, free-wheeling
singles want to hang out with other single social butterflies, couples want to
hang with other couples, etc. At best, social relationships don't go beyond superficial and are fleeting.

Every now and
again, while mulling over certain aspects of life and human nature, I come
across something that touches on specific life challenges. The New York Timespublished a piece written by
Alex Williams. Williams touched on the difficulties of navigating newer
friendships during a certain age in space and time…

In your 30s and 40s, plenty of new people enter your life, through work,
children’s play dates and, of course, Facebook. But actual close friends — the
kind you make in college, the kind you call in a crisis — those are in shorter
supply.

As people approach midlife, the days of youthful exploration, when
life felt like one big blind date, are fading. Schedules compress, priorities
change and people often become pickier in what they want in their friends.

No matter how many friends you make, a sense of fatalism can creep
in: the period for making B.F.F.’s, the way you did in your teens or early 20s,
is pretty much over. It’s time to resign yourself to situational friends:
K.O.F.’s (kind of friends) — for now. Williams writes.

Experts also
weighed in; suggesting fluctuating conditions such as an “internal alarm clock”,
proximity, and settings that don’t really prompt folks to want let down their
guard enough to share personal information, are also factors; which is
apparently why most people have more success meeting and establishing close (and enduring) friendships during college.

As close as
folks can become at work, often times that dynamic can change once the work-relationship
is over and especially when workplace politics start to weigh-into the
developing friendship…

“The workplace can crackle with competition, so people learn to hide
vulnerabilities and quirks from colleagues,” says Rebecca G. Adams, professor
of sociology and gerontology at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro.

“Work friendships often take on a transactional feel; it is difficult to say
where networking ends and real friendship begins.”

Of course
once regular hanging-buddies and best friends start to cultivate romantic relationships,
which also can affect the dynamic of a friendship, their priorities shift and
the thought of being a third-wheel makes you cringe.

And of course
for me, aging brings about a certain level of self-awareness that has prompted
me to be a little more discerning about the type of people I build with; and to take a no frills, zero tolerance for
drama/the self-absorbed/or the disingenuous approach... and at times this can lead to a lot of moments spent alone. Either
way, building and formulating new friendships has become a daunting
exercise in futility, especially in this social networking age; and while I have no interest in imploring someone to be friends, I proceed accordingly and try to accept my
interactions as openly as I can muster without letting any trepidation I feel from prior experiences, mar chances of potentially meeting someone cool or at the very least, a great professional contact. I also make sure
my own ego is in check. I’m a firm believer in letting things unfold
organically and just being genuine and getting along with anyone making a sincere effort to get on (and get to know) me. But
I’d be remiss if I didn’t lament those younger days, not having to contend with the politics networking and building entails
in this current technological age, once you reach a certain age.

July 13, 2012

Sullen Girl

I’ve neglected this blog long enough, but I’ve been working
on editing a project that I’m expecting (or at least hoping) to pan out with some relative success.
Also to be frank, I haven’t really felt compelled to update Coffee Rhetoric, contribute to any other platforms, or
do any writing in general, as of late. None of the human interest stories I’ve been reading
across the web, has incited me to chorus. Sometimes, I want a break from
deconstructing gender, racial discord, intra-racial dysfunction, popular culture,
and just the cult of personality in general.

And while I don’t really feel the need to share that much of my own
personal goings-on anymore, as I plod my way towards a break-through of some sort; I will disclose that I am lamenting over many aspects of my being, while simultaneously celebrating my self-imposed solitariness… if that makes any sense. In
other words, I miss being social, yet I have no desire to be around most people
right now.

It could be age—and me becoming while a grumpy old woman— or
maybe it is just plain ol’ cynicism; but the thought of socializing or building
with people doesn’t interest me as it once did… and neither does
dating. My patience with certain
personalities wears thin in a flash. Waning friendships and/or associations? Bye…
I’m not interested in trying to rekindle
any of them; new connections? No longer interested in making any, save
for a
few rare exceptions and depending on the level of interest I have in the
situation or person. This is not me having a pity-party and it’s far
from self-flagellation… I’m not quite sure how to pinpoint my current
state. It’s an
amalgamation of feelings and a lack thereof.
I’m frustrated that personal goals aren’t panning out the way I need
them to. I’m feeling like I’ve reached an impasse and want to buy a one-way
ticket someplace faraway. I am
struggling against the pull of “That Dark Place”, because I don’t want or like
residing or visiting there. Essentially,
I just want to be left alone… literally and figuratively; which I pretty much am, for the most part. I’ve
learned to hide this particular brand of dismay well, because I've had
to and quite frankly, don't really have a choice. Warding off
encroaching demons that prompt me to shut down completely-- where I'm
almost robotic, detached and somewhat cold-- is daunting though.

Thirty-five is on my heels and I don’t care;
as the last several Born Days, were uneventful and stark reminders
of … many things, so I don't make much them... I prefer to spend
them alone... with wine if I have access to any.

Anyway, this is my attempt
to write through the blockage as I continue to claw my way out of my funk, because I'm mentally worn out. At
times I wish I “indulged” in other, otherwise I’d just smoke or pill-pop my way towards
an epiphany… but then I doubt I’d ever get anything productive done, I’d be
existing in some delusional state of being, and it’s not really a viable way (for me) to
reach a resolution. I’m just a bit
overwhelmed from being underwhelmed.

“I still consider myself to be my own best friend though, and there's no
company I'd rather keep than my own. Aside from my immediate family, there are
very few people I care to spend more than a few hours (tops) with.
Parties and particularly long "hang-outs" leave me feeling stir-crazy
and most of all, self conscious. I don't really like myself much around other
people. After the initial charm of my niceties wears off, I feel awkward and
annoying. I long to be alone, to be with myself. It's a bit odd, simultaneously
loving and hating yourself like I do.

And so I retreat back into my world of loner-ism, and I perk up. I start to
feel better about myself. I shed the feelings that others are judging me and I
go shopping, I treat myself to lunch, I take a bath, I read, I paint, I watch a
movie (no interruptions from the peanut gallery, thank you very much). I do the
things I wouldn't want to do with anyone else, and I become a better person for
it.”

Me, almost to a T. I'm working my way through the woods and towards clarity, though.