I have a business idea, and since it concerns animals, well I know how you guys like to make a fuss over every little thing so I'm just going to run this by you. Shark prostitution. I'm going to whore out sharks for people to have sex with.

You see, sometimes people just want a real rough, hard fuck, with the most vicious creature imaginable. We'll keep them sedated and in small tanks, which our clients can get in, and screw them right in their shark vaginas. They'll have fresh water constantly running over them so they can breathe, and special waterproof speakers that'll play smooth jazz to help get them in the mood. Does Kenny G turn sharks on? More research is surely needed.

So PETA, will there be any problems with this? I know what you're thinking.. Maybe this isn't ethical, right? But isn't it? Who knows? Maybe these whoresharks will give rise to mutant sharkmen, and that's a great evolutionary step. That's more than ethical, that's downright kind! Not to mention that they could be a valuable asset to your organization. Perhaps you could start an offshoot organization SPETA (sharkpeople for the ethical treatment of animals). Sure they won't be able to firebomb buildings like you guys like since they'll need to be in the water, but they'll still be able to get in on the fun! Think how much easier it'll be to follow whaling ships, with a whole organization that can follow along right in the water. Sure, they'll probably kill the whale and eat it if the whalers don't, but you guys aren't ever much for details, why start now?

In summation, I hope you consider my attempts to help people have sex with sharks as a friendly gesture for both man and sharkkind. By not replying to this open letter I will take it to mean that you have no problem with it. Also-
By reading this post you agree to my EULA.This consists of not using info in my post as the basis for any lawsuit, and not suing me for libel no matter what I say.Failure to adhere to this agreement constitutes breach of contract and will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.(75,899)

As for shark sex.... Dolphins, rapists of the sea. Before you can even fuck a shark, a dolphin is going to rape you in the ass so hard that you will be shitting blood for a decade while watching the same Molly Ringwald movie on repeat all goddamned day long. If you are a woman, you will be impregnated with RH -/+ dolphin babies and also dolphin AIDS and your life will be even worse than it already was what with the kitchen and the menses etc.
Short version: disregard the sea, fuck yourself with a blender set on high power and experience true bliss.

Fri Sep 26, 2008 6:43 am Unique and viable idea, but bad news, homes : Henry Paulson read your letter and is going to use his upcoming power to operate above the law to publicly display you as the bruised love thrall of a strange gang of redneck biker remoras.

P.S. I wish Rodney Dangerfield were here to make a domestic crack about a 'rough, hard ^%$# with the most vicious creature imaginable," can someone help me out here?