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John Calipari Accepts UK Football Head Coaching Job

Just a couple of days after Mitch Barnhart announced that Joker Phillips won’t be coming back with the team after this year, John Calipari has issued a statement that he will be accepting an offer for the position.

Calipari, who has a 547-154 record after 20 years as a head coach, has yet to lose a game at home with his current team, the Kentucky Wildcats. He also has a reputation for strong recruiting and leadership, traits that Kentucky football has not exhibited during Phillips’ tenure.

While many speculated that Calipari wouldn’t walk away from his lucrative seven-year, $36.5 million contract, Coach Cal has done just that.

The candid, provocative head coach held a press conference earlier today, saying that “UK has been good, but UK will be better.” He added that chasing greatness is as great as catching it.

According to University of Kentucky athletic director Mitch Barnhart, the loss will be a significant one. “Although we respect John Calipari’s decision to leave, the University of Kentucky is shocked and devastated at his change of heart.”

“We were expecting big things. We were expecting more SEC domination, more championships, and more future NBA superstars. But alas, the show must go on,” concluded Barnhart, a look of painful resignation making its way across his face.

The move is a resounding victory for the University of Kentucky, whose football program had taken a plunge under Joker Phillips after going to four consecutive bowl games. Coach Cal is sure to improve recruiting and a struggling offense: Calipari teams have averaged a stunning 72.3 points per game throughout his career. In addition, teams coached by him have exhibited a quick-passing game with a stunningly high completion percentage and powerful penetrating runs through the middle.

University of Kentucky athletic director Mitch Barnhart held a press conference earlier today saying that he was “as excited as a horny thoroughbred” that Calipari has decided “to take his talents to (the) Southeast”.

“I can’t fucking believe he accepted our offer,” exclaimed an ecstatic Barnhart. “I haven’t been this fortunate since that time we brought in John Calipari from Memphis.”

Calipari remained enigmatic about the reason behind his decision during the press conference, keeping his motives to a succinct “winning is winning is winning”. When pressed further on the matter, he reiterated, “winning isn’t winning as long as it’s losing.” However, speculation seems to be that he was attracted to the publicity of the SEC and the calming charm of the city of Lexington.