Tuesday, 22 December 2015

WISHING WARMEST GREETINGS OF THE SEASON AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE XXXOXXX

Are you like this too: every time you seem just about to have got around to mastering one thing then another (which cropped up ages ago, unnoticed) has gone so ridiculously neglected it's like the enchanted forest around Sleeping Beauty's Castle... Well my life is like that!Anyway, have a happy new year as well XxXxXxXJ'adore cette chansonVOYAGE VOYAGE TECHNO REMIX

AVE MARIA: this isn't the tune most people think of when you say Ave Maria but it's a beautiful tune nonetheless. (Music by Gounod Overlaid with Bach's Prelude in C Minor)

This is the "proper" Ave Maria. There are loads of versions and although this isn't the strongest version it's the best non-operatic Latin version I could find without spending all day at the computer...I'm listening to it again. It is quite good. What an amazing tune!

Monday, 23 November 2015

I'VE BEEN so boring of late. Haven't done any scandalous thing. Have been giving clean tests at the druggyclinic. Wow. The "cleaner" I am the more my mood cycles round and round but I don't care really. I have been concentrating on my writing. I need to learn to draw now ~ to produce lovely illustrations for my stories. Right I've got to go. No internet at my house so I'm very stretched for time here at the internet caff. All the best to everyone ;-)

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

I SPOTTED THREE GADWALLS the other day. They are "quite uncommon" according to the bird book. They look like ordinary brown (female) mallard ducks, except they're smaller, have yellow bills, and dive a lot. That's how I first spotted them, by the diving.

This is what they look like. The nearer one is the male. I saw three females but they got really nervous with me crashing along the river bank and hiding near a wasps' nest. So they all took off and pinged away.Today I saw a male and a female. They do look just like in the picture. Wow. I can't believe that I, of all people, actually saw a rare piece of wildlife ~ WOW!

This is a female. Notice she is more duck-shaped than a duck! (Ie a mallard.)

This is a female mallard. Notice the bright blue speculum (that's the coloured band on her wing).I'm being really respectable these days. Have been writing a LOT. I might have to start up another blog ~ a "writer's blog".Take care everyone :-)

Sunday, 16 August 2015

THE OTHER DAY I found an old Bird Book I must have bought from a second hand shop. So I started learning all about Birds. Then I got a more modern bird-identification guide. Yesterday I took it out and went bird-spotting (without binoculars or any special equipment) and I saw ~ literally all these birds lined up in a row ~ a baby herring gull, a magpie, some Canada geese, a duck that was probably a male mallard in eclipse plumage (ie it looked like a female, only had a yellow bill) and this duck keeps diving a lot. Every time I see it, it's disapearing. 2 coots. And a (male) grey wagtail. If it wasn't a grey wagtail then it was a yellow one, but the birdbook said the grey wagail appears bluish on top, which this one did. Wow how exciting is that.I actually identified some real birds. I was hoping the baby herring gull was a giant skua (known in America as a jaeger) but no such luck. And that the mallard duck was a teal. But no. But grey (or yellow) wagtails are pretty rare so how cool is that? Also, I saw a pied wagtail near the wheelybins by the post office where it likes running along the ground picking off ants. Oh, it's a bird's life!

This is a great skua ~ notice how intimidating and reprimandy it appears. Aparently they harrass herring gulls and arctic terns etc until they drop their fish or puke up, disgorging their dinner for the skua to feast on. What charming creatures. I'd like to be one in my next life. No I'm just kidding. I'd rather be a vulture:

Oh. They're not the best-looking birds are they. If I wanted to be a beautiful vulture then I'd be an African lammergeier. I think these look brilliant:

Saturday, 18 July 2015

HELLO it is a hot sticky Saturday afternoon I'm not in the mood to post anything but I'm here so why not. Oh my computer that I use every day STILL doesn't offer me internet access. If you're wondering why haven't I had it repaired it's because I've been too busy using Microsoft Word to hand it in to some repair person for two weeks. Also I don't want its memory to be wiped. I NEED Word on that machine. I've got a horrible feeling that absolutely every program on that thing is going to have to be deinstalled. Every single one. Wow, that's going to be fun. Because the antivirus or antispam thing is blocking internet access... blah blah it's a long story.

I don't know why but I found myself thinking about my past and feeling very kind of ... what's the word ... I dunno. Sorry for myself? Disgusted? Lost? Indulgent? Who knows?? Well that's the thing you see, I think my biggest problem in life has been that I'm separate and divorced from myself. This makes me incredibly "objective" and excellent at second-guessing myself. But terrible at actually knowing how I feel. Lousy at living a joined-up existence. And very bad indeed at being one person instead of a collection of perceptions scattered all over the place.

I think that's why I turned to drugs. (Correction: DRUG singular ~~ h
eroin.) It made me feel whole and I have never been that. When I went mad a few years ago I was hearing voices every day and the voices are a kind of separation from self. When I was really insane it was impossible to tell whether I was thinking, hearing or imagining somebody else's dream. Nowadays I only hear voices when I'm really tired (I'm not talking about a dream ~~ I mean I'm awake when I hear them, but maybe you could call it a waking dream.) I sometimes see things... but none of that bothers me. Depression bothers me sometimes. Insecurity used to bother me a LOT. But I'm still to this day separate from myself... so how am I ever going to find out WHO I AM???

I'm sorry to everyone I haven't been in touch with but after this I really have to run; I'm too scared of staying online. Don't you feel like you're being spied on? Or that the internet is sucking your life away? I think one day we'll all be washing dishes and get sucked down a digital plug hole swirling with the babbling memories of times past and then we'll get swooshed away into the communal sewers of 21st Century Blues and wonder where the hell our lives went. Know what I mean?

Thursday, 4 June 2015

THAT DEADBEAT METHADONE clinic have given me a script that's one day short, so I have to fly in there. I really hate going in that place. The appointments are only every 2 weeks, but somehow it feels like every 2 days.

My methadone dose has gone up again. A few weeks ago I went a whole week feeling ill and thinking the pharmacy had "somehow" watered my dose. Then he gave me a weekend script in a big old bottle that was the ready-mixed type (no margin for error then ~ the other type comes as a green syrup and they have to add a stronger methadone mixture so there have been stories over the years about pharmacists forgetting to add any at all. Or selling the strong stuff off.)

Of course I want to get off it but I can never stay stable for long enough. It's not as if I drink or take any other drugs apart from the odd bit of the "other". Also I keep catching illnesses like flu. The real flu. Not withdrawals. And other things. So there's always something. (A brilliant excuse.)

Oh I don't know. I didn't go to bed last night and I can't think straight. I've got to go. All the best to everyone. Hi Dreamer.

Wednesday, 6 May 2015

I DID GET A NEW COMPUTER but there's some problem stopping me getting online. We've tried EVERYTHING to try and get past this, but I've a horrible feeling the computer's going to have to go to some repair shop. It's working perfectly but I reckon the security program is preventing me going on the internet. Eg the first day I got it I managed to use free broadband from the public library; two days later the computer was blocking this. I've no idea exactly what's wrong, but I reckon it's a security program interfering and kicking me off again, because my own broadband account says I HAVE been on, with a tiny amount of data uploaded and downloaded.

Anyway I've been busy writing and it would have been a distraction to have the internet right there when I was supposed to be directing my attention into Microsoft Word!

I hope y'all are well. Soon as I am back online I shall certainly be back here ~ hopefully that shouldn't be too long.

Tuesday, 10 March 2015

IT'S A CHARMING SPRING AFTERNOON IN LONDON... I went into Town on Sunday. The place was fresh and twinkling all over in the golden morning sun... it was as if someone had waved a magic wand over the city and teleported me to New York or Paris ... except this was LONDON, my own gorgeous lovely and adorable town. I'm always pleased to see tourists in great numbers coming to see my own private and personal territory. It's really flattering. And London is such a wondrous place. I walked from Holborn station all the way along Oxford Street past Bond Street and Selfridges.

I had a poke down New Bond Street, which is where all the designer stores and diamonds and ultra-high end stuff is to be found: Tiffany, Cartier, Harry Winston, Boucheron, Boodles, Bulgari etc etc. There's nothing like a nice 17 ct blue diamond on a Sunday morning twinkling it's head off in the London sunshine as far as I'm concerned. I wish I had someone to buy all these blue diamonds for. Come to think of it, I wish I had a couple of hundred million or so — y'know, to purchase all these blue diamonds to begin with.I WASN'T on psychedelic drugs last time I posted; just very very tired and my brain feeling very UGHKHkkkhhhhy indeed.

Did you know Binky thought I was a crackstable still? "Crackstable" is my nice word for a crack smoker. Of course I'm not on crack. She did admit I was probably hypomanic on these supposed "cracked out" occasions. LOADS of people have accused me of being on coke when in fact I was on nothing at all, except a naturally Elevated Mood. It IS possible to BUZZ on nothing except one's own private neurotransmitter collection y'know!Talking of ELEVATED isn't this an effing fantastic track....Hey I have great news I shall be BACK ONLINE before very long at all as I'm hopefully getting my OWN COMPUTER BACK. Not the same one as b4 but a wizzy new and improved version...Did anybody see the bipolar documentary on Channel 4 last week? They showcased 3 sufferers. Paul, who was in the luscious grip of psychotic mania, a Welsh lady called Siân who had "bipolar 2" the supposedly "mild" type (it just means you don't hear things or see things or get delusional on the manic phases, which are labelled "hypomania" meaning "below mania". Lastly we saw Ashley, who was pingponging rapidly between "hypomanic" and "depressive" symptoms.Philippa Perry, the psychotherapist who presented the show, said she believed the term "bipolar" to be a little too wide to encompass all that's crammed under its gargantuan roof these days and I agree. Ashley to me seemed more like a borderline personality disorder case than truly bipolar. True bipolar swings aren't usually triggered by comments a person might make. In fact when you're being really bipolar you can often feel totally insulated from other people's shit all together.I've seen borderline personality disorder up close. It shares with bipolar an extreme instability of the emotions but that IS the difference. Borderline is an emotional condition; bipolar is a mood condition. Moods underlie emotions. In depression, emotions can become paralysed; in mania a person is extremely reactive and yet, paradoxically, there's a huge "don't care" component when it comes to the feelings of others.

I do reckon that there's more going on than the mere throwing of a genetic switch. And I think a bipolar state is more than just a drought or surplus of dopamine or serotonin. They sometimes theorize about a "manic defence" (and she alluded to this in a rather oblique way). The Manic Defence hypothesis theorizes that in order to avoid being slayed by negative feelings, a person instead becomes manic, grandiose and euphoric. I believe this may very well be true. But what the theory doesn't explain is why only one person in a hundred will ever experience full-blown mania during the entire course of their life. Why is it that some of us become manic, yet the overwhelmingly vast majority of us never do?In the 1980s, when I was a teenager, I remember the term "manic depressive" being used amongst ordinary non-medical folks to denote a person who was (or had been) extremely depressed. The concept of pathologically elevated moods was quite alien to the public consciousness back then. Perhaps the younger and more chemically "enhanced" or "altered" generations have more experience of their own mood elevations to be able more easily to sympathize with maniacs and hypomaniacs... I don't know. But going back to "manic depressives"... the big irony is that all the worst cases of depression I've known or known of were without exception people with ordinary "unipolar" depression (ie these people had never in their lives been hypo/manic). Bipolar CAN involve episodes of extremely intense depression. The difference between "unipolar" and "bipolar" depression is said to be that bipolar depression tends to be shorter-lasting and when it does go away the person isn't necessarily "well"... they could well be on the way up to mania.Anyway I'm more interested in computers of the silicon-&-plastic type than the vagaries of the human biocomputer at this point in time... I have some tech-related questions to anyone with an answer...1. what package do you usually use for wordprocessing? Is Windows Wordpad any good?2. what software do I need for audio/video editing? I'm talking about simple stuff, eg if I record myself giving a speech and want to chop out the boring bits, or use parts of a take-2 interspersed with take-1, that sort of thing... what package would I use for that?3. if I want to make "photoshopped"-looking video (ie to put in surreal special effects) what package would I need then?4. can anybody recommend a good printer for printing out text in black and white? Are lasers still better than ink jets? Because they always used to be. Laser printing always used to be waterfast, which is an advantage when you're an inveterate cocoa drinker like me and get runny ringmarks on everything...5. what advantages, if any, do MacBooks have over PCs?6. if I think up a 6th question I'll let you know12 MAR 2015:YES QUESTION 6 I'M LOOKING AT THE LENOVO M30, has anybody got any comments on this laptop?THANX FOR YOUR HELP!

Blog journal of a manic-depressive junkie. Former heroin addict (labelled with schizoaffective bipolar disorder). Trying to get off methadone. This blog follows my struggle to break free from a humungous mess of a past and ascend into a brighter future...

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About Me

38 year-old guy, 6 blogs (the main one is gledwood vol 2 so go there for new postings: blogs are linked via my sidebars), I also have 3 video blogs. One mainly music vids, the other random "novelty" clips from Youtube/etc. The third is my Fabulous Celebrity Blog for fans of trash culture. Unfortunately addicted to drugs - yes it was my own fault but what can I do about it now? Addicted means trapped & can't stop. That's how addicted I am. But that's not ALL I blog about. Apart from drugs I love drink. Apart from drink I'm into little furry animals like Pingpong, my Chinese hamster, and my 3 roborovski hamsters: Itchy, Bashful and Spherical... and ... er, food. Lately there has been a drought of the substance that enslaved me for so long. Will I clean up? Only time will tell...