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Thursday, March 18, 2010

I've cried and cried for months about this baby ache I've had, but truth be told, we were at a standstill. There were choices to be made that we just kind of bypassed. We knew there were medical issues we'd have to tackle, financial issues we'd have to examine, and that until that was done, our babies were like a dream, just out of reach.

At our wits end, we finally broke down and had a conversation that was long over due. We talked about methods of having the babies, cost of the different methods, and what WE wanted most.

We can't have a baby of our own. Unless there is some serious miracle working going on upstairs, we'll need to find a different way to add to our family. And so we talked and figured out what works for us.

When I was pregnant with Munchkin, I was young, unprepared, and in what was the worst relationship of my life. With a guy who was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. Unfortunately we were pregnant once before, and when he found out, he ... well.. lets just say I was black and blue for a few days, and there was no more baby. When I found out I was pregnant with Munchkin, there was no way I was prepared to care for a kid. No way that I could get my life together enough to support this baby. So I made the choice to put him up for adoption after he was born.

For months I went to the counseling sessions, making plans to have this baby and then move on with my life. One of the things the counselor advised was to avoid bonding with the "fetus". No absently stroking my belly while he practiced his kick boxing, no chatting about baby names, comparing belly size with the other mommies-to-be at my work. I wouldn't let anyone touch my belly, talk about the baby, or in any way involve me in anything regarding the "visitor" in my belly.

The day he was born, the Dr's cut the cord and passed him to me. The nurses were supposed to call the social worker to come and get the baby, but when he was in my arms, in that second, EVERYthing changed. He was my baby. MY boy. The little guy who'd been sparing with my bladder for the last 9 months, the monkey who thought it would be fun to hang on my ribs, practice for the world cup, and clearly object to my meal choices by forcing them back out the way they came in.

He was mine from that second on, and there was no way anyone would take him from me. That day "dad" was gone from my life. No way I would let my son grow up in that environment. I moved home with my parents, who supported me in more ways then I could ever remember to thank them for.

But there's always been this part of me, this longing for those kicks, for reading stories to this squirmy little being inside my body. I want to give in to crazy middle of the night cravings. To stay up late at night with his/her dad, talking about first dates, first words, first everything's.

So when McHubby and I started talking baby options, it was something I dreamed about. We spent hours making plans for Becky and Sam, and what we drempt and hoped for them. When we talked about our "How" for the babies, I laid it all out on the table, what I missed, what I wanted. And my husband, my rock, my person, my dream come true after 16 incredible years, he said "ok".

I know that words alone will never be enough to tell him how much that means to me. Its a sacrifice not many people would be willing to make, and its one he made for me, for our babies. And I will ALWAYS be reminded of his unselfish love every time I look at our kids.

Our babies won't look like him. They may not be his blood type, but those babies will be as much his as our other three boys. They will run to the door to greet him at the end off a work day, arms stretched up and say "da-da Up!" They'll snuggle into his arms at bedtime, and they'll fight to be the first to tell him about their day. They'll be OUR babies, but these two, these special two, they will be HIS, in some ways, more then our other 3 are, because of the selfless Daddy choice that he's made long before they've been conceived.

But now I'm worried. What will other people think? Will they look at Becky and Sam differently? Will they try and talk us out of it? I worry that some of them already look at Hayden as part of some kind of extended, not really family, tag along. We have family and friends that haven't even said congrats to our engagement, let alone our wedding that took place 3 months ago. What will they think of ones that don't share their genes. Our parents have signed off, said "way to go", "have fun trying" and are excited about adding to their family. But what if everyone else doesn't feel the same.

So I started this blog just to say that we'd made a time line, and the rest of this has just come pouring out. But... I guess maybe it needed to. Not to leave you hanging, here's the baby plan.

We start "trying" in September. If we're lucky, that gives us a baby by May. So... if all goes well... in a little over a year, our babies should be here... Oh... and because we know that we now have an increased chance of multiples, we've picked a couple other names, just to be on the safe side.. so... should Rebecca Melina come with a sister, Amanda Kathryn will get to share in the pink frilly joy, and if Samuel Cohen decides he needs a brother, Nathaniel Sterling will have to learn to share dump trucks.

Neither of us will be disappointed if the babies are one sex or the other, but here's a picture of the grandkids on both sides of the family. See if you can tell who WE think needs a little representation...

5 comments:

Sharon,CONGRATS!!!!! I am so excited for you and Sheldon and the boys of course!!! Don't worry about what other people say, its what you guys want. You and Sheldon have crossed so many hurdles already and you stayed SOOO strong, I admire you both. Bottom line you are a family no matter where the babies come from!!! I have a "step" son as well and as you see I put it in quotes because I dont call him my stepson. He is my son and we are a family of three no matter what others think. You will provide the babies with a stable home, loving parents and big brothers and lots of really great cousins. What else can they ask for??? I love reading your blogs they are very inspirational and real. You have my 100% support and you know thats with everything. We may be countries apart but you are truly my best friend and always will be. You are a part of my family as I always felt that I was a part of yours. Best of luck with everything and I can't wait to see you guys when you come for a visit!!!!!Amanda