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Stunning revelation - Tactical Ninja

Jan. 5th, 2016

10:54 am - Stunning revelation

Not really, more of an observation.

This Christmas, I got just under two weeks off. For those not in the know, in NZ it's common to have forced closure of workplaces over Christmas, which when you factor in the public holidays gives people 2-3 weeks off for the consumption of only 4-10 days of leave, depending on how long you're off work.

For me, because of Kiwiburn, I took the shortest I was allowed, which added up to the 24th of Dec to today, or 12 days.

The first 2 days were focused on Christmas, then we went on a road trip for four days. By the end of that I was in holiday mode. Things I observed happening within myself:

1. Happier2. Improved sex drive3. Sleeping till 7:30am4. Cravings for sugary food decreased to almost none5. Rash cleared up6. Scheduling rest time among 'things to do' as part of day

Neato! We got back to Wellington last Tuesday. I enjoyed 2 days of this, then on Thursday, I woke up thinking about work. I was able to put it out of my mind, but the feeling of impending doom was there, and growing. Almost immediately I went to the dairy, bought a tub of ice cream, and scarfed the lot. I lost interest in sex again, and started waking up at 5:30. I made the most of my last four days of holiday, but my mood slowly sunk as going back to work approached and now my rash is back as well. This morning I woke up at 3:30, and again at 4:30, and 5:00, and 5:30.

What this is telling me is that work is probably the biggest source of stress in my life, and when I'm not having to work, I'm infinitely happier and healthier, and it doesn't even take long to start improving when I stop.

This is really a no brainer.

So now I need to figure out how to reconcile the fact that work makes me unhappy and sick, with the fact that I have to support myself.

Comments:

I moved to part-time when it became clear that, no matter how much I loved my boss, the work was toxic to me. It helped. It has helped for a bunch of years. That said, I'm coming to the realization that it's only a temporary fix. It's the work, not the workplace that makes me sick.

I admit that at least part of what's going on with me is my increasing resentment at a system that requires me to sell my life in chunks for money, just to be able to afford to acquire the resources (land etc) to support myself.

I am perfectly capable of growing and hunting sufficient food to support me and my family, but capitalism requires that I also own the land to do it, so instead of spending my time supporting my needs, I'm spending my time trying to get to a point where I can support my needs - and the alternative is to keep selling my life in chunks for money until I die.

I have applied for a part time job that appears ideal, and is in my field with a reasonable focus on my specialties. It doesn't close until next Tuesday and I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's hard when I'm so desperate to improve my situation.

I have previously had no trouble coping with full time work. It's only in the last few years that I've gone from seeing it as a somewhat interesting vehicle for my financial fulfilment to being made physically ill and depressed at the idea of being there.

I have spent that time trying to fix myself, and I think I've finally realised that it's not actually me that's the problem.

Three days a week at a different place sounds like a potentially workable compromise.

I know exactly what you mean. The callus on the back of my hand has improved and I don't worry my nailbeds bloody any more since I'm off work. I have to go back on Thursday and I need to figure out how to manage that as well.

I hope the part-time job comes through for you. I've had a sort of part-time/mix-and-match/hodge-podge employment situation for the past five years or so, and while I still hope that someday I won't have to work for money at all, I've been amazed to learn that it really is possible to exist outside the world of the 9-to-5 job. "They" don't want you to know you can live like this, but you can! And I hope you'll be able to soon!

We got... Christmas Day off and New Years Day off.We earn 1 day off a month, so 12 days of vacation total maximum a year, though I suppose you could take 0 days and bank them for the next year to take a longer vacation at a time. I haven't had more than 4 days in a row off from work in so long, I feel like I'm going to suffocate!

I hope you find work that makes you feel better!

I have not caught up on your journal, but I will try to look back and figure out what is happening with the rash. Sounds like it sounds stress-induced?

In NZ, 20 days (4 weeks) a year is the legal minimum paid holiday for full time workers. One of many things NZ has over the US in terms of employment rights.

I haven't got to the bottom of what's causing the rash but I've narrowed it to stress or sugar. The difficulty separating the two being that when I'm stressed I crave sugar, so they tend to go together. It was healing for a while, and I even seemed to be able to cope with some sugar - but then I had a hellishly stressful December (with associated bingeing on sugary foods) and now my entire lower legs are covered in it.