I don’t want Sara back (the ex-girlfriend), but I want that life back, a life bigger than my little room in Tampa. I want that connection to someone. Nothing feels as good as falling asleep holding a woman I love, everything else is just a fix. Then, of course, I want to publish spectacular writing. Things that people will remember. My craft is absolutely important to me, and it’s brutal to feel like I’m losing it.

If I can ever effectively type again, I don’t doubt that I can have these things, and more. It’s amazing what I can do with words, words create reality. I don’t regret being depressed over Sara, such experiences happen, whether we want them or not. I ultimately value even the darkest experiences, writers are kind of sadistic that way. I do, however, regret wasting so much time while I was depressed over her.

That’s understandable, and if you can actually separate the person from the state of mind/life then that’s a very good thing to be able to do. It’s too easy to get hung up on the person however, and I know that’s one of the most painful things there is. I think all losses of any kind are echoes of death, and when you lose someone from your life and can’t get them back it is almost like they died, and the fact that their life (as well as yours) goes on without you makes it in a way even worse. That sounds kind of crazy, I know.

It sounds like you’re already on your way toward achieving your goals btw: you’re getting published in WEIRD TALES ffs. You’ll be in the company of H.P. Lovecraft & Clark Ashton Smith. I think I’d possibly give my left arm to be in your shoes!

Don’t worry too much about “wasted time” btw: no human experience is ever time wasted, and if you worried about how you spent every second of every day then you’d never get anything done.

Will April 10th, 2009
11:25 am

I am Jack’s profound awareness that in the end, the time wasn’t wasted.

I am Jack’s gratitude for experiencing the full range of the experience.

I am Jack’s agent sending a check for the first novel after my 10% cut.