Monday, March 12, 2012

I mean like, REALLY important. Not just things I care about for a second or a day. I can group a variety of things in this category that do actually mean a lot to me, like friends, family, my dog, ect.

But where does my faith fit in?

I end up pondering that question a lot, especially as of late. Where does faith fit into my life, and more specifically, where does faith in His timing fit?

Do I really have faith in His timing? Or only look to my own? What does it even mean to have faith in His timing?!

That last one is a dozy(sp?).

I spend my entire life rushing from one thing to the next, barely even thinking about the idea of timing; any kind of timing really.

So where does that leave me?

Rushed
Stressed
Anxious
Upset
Confused
Lost
Miserable.

But why?

You see the devil constantly throws these negative emotions at us. They all stem down to one little lie: You are not good enough.

Now, let me just tell you, I battle with the whole "not good enough" thing ALOT.

And when I say ALOT I mean like, constantly. Literally every five minutes I counter myself saying "I guess I'm just not good enough".

Is that okay? Oh no, definitely not. It's easier to believe the devil's constant decree of not good enoughness.

I get down on myself a lot. I have found, however, that silence helps to fill my heart. It used to be the opposite. Silence used to make me more anxious, more upset, most scared. I try to be silent as often as possible, which let me tell you, can come of rude I guess. I don't mean it that way.

Silence is just a way for me to think about things. I get lost in my thoughts a lot of times, and here's where it always brings me. It brings me to one of two places.

1. It brings me to say I suck. I will never be good enough, I'm not good enough to be on a core team, I'm not good enough to go to mass, I'm not good enough to be friends or a girlfriend.

-or-

2. It brings me to say all of the things in #1, and end with but you really DO make me good enough. Even though its hard to believe, even though its hard to agree with, you do make me good enough because you made me in the first place. And although my human actions go against what you originally made, I'm still, deep down, exactly who you want me to be; your daughter.

So from now on I'll be a perfect little princess always remember that I'm good enough for You and never battling with it again; right?

haha, yeah right. I wish.

Reality is, that's not going to happen. It never will. I will always battle with myself, I will always battle with the idea that I'm not good enough for anyone or anything, but should that stop me from doing what I love for who I love?