Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Right now, I just kind of wish that I could talk to everyone I know people honestly and openly, instead of the handful I can now, and they wouldn't be appalled at me for shattering the Victorian rules of euphemisms or hiding your true feelings or whatever the hell. But I suppose I'm the main person at fault here, being too afraid of scaring people away if I actually say what I mean and mean what I say. That's not to say that everything I say is a pack of lies and deceit, but I could be more forward, and I could risk telling people the things that are most important.

Mosquito Hawks (apparently called Crane Flies) are some cool bugs. Though they don't prey on mosquitos, as I had been led to believe, they probably scare the hell out of those punks. They look like massive mosquitos! It's terrifying! But they're not actively trying to eat me, so I am cool with mosquito hawks.

Right now, I'm watching the Pursuit of Happiness, don't ruin it for me!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

So I apologize for ever whining about my emotions, I shall kill them promptly. That was a load of bullocks, emotions are what make life worthwhile, good or bad. I know that hurt feels better than apathy (I was going to use "guarantee" there, and spent a good five minutes figuring out how to spell it properly, but oh well).
Right now I'm on a blues binge, I don't know how, but that music right now is just cutting straight to my soul, and it just blew up the dam of emotion, and it feels damn good. For me, music has helped clear my mind, only by calling to my attention all the emotions I've been feeling. or, at the very least, clouding my judgement enough for me to decide to partake in something huge to solve it. That's what you really need when you're down in the dumps, something totally ridiculous and huge. A little project won't do, you'll just finish it and be back where you started. Putting your body and mind in a situation where they're totally devoted to the goal, then abruptly switching back, watching the chains fall, and being able to step back for once and look at the stars and see how beautiful they are. That's what you need to do. I have yet to do it, but come 30-odd days, I'm going, and not looking back.
What if it's all for not, surely you'll have shit happen in the future? But I'm still coping, and getting better every day. And I'm not going to say that I'm only happy on the outside, I'm happy on the inside too, but there's that peach pit lodged back in my mind, and it keeps trying to grow. And I can cope, but having a feeling of loss and disbelief, and hopelessness when I lie down to go to sleep just isn't where I want to be (I don't care if that last sentence seemed to contradict the rest of this, just don't think about it too hard. Spend your hard thinking trying to make the rain go away, or at the very least the humidity that has smothered DC).