as I'm learning to see

Why Did I Doubt?

Five years ago this month, on January 22, 2010 my father in-law passed away. That was the day I realized God was real and I began searching for more information about Him. A few months later I gave my life to Jesus.

About a year after I became a Christian I started having health problem after health problem. Over the past few years I have had a bit of everything…heart issues, a problem with my esophagus, 4 knee surgeries, a hysterectomy and some very serious eye issues. January of 2011 I had a blood clot in my right eye and at one point I was almost totally blind in that eye. That was eventually healed I now have most of the vision back in that eye and what is missing I do not notice with both eyes open. After that healed a few months later other eye problems started and over the past 4 years I have had a lot of eye issues. When one thing heals something else usually starts.

This Past September I had a macular hole in my left eye a few days after the Doctor diagnosed it I started seeing better suddenly one day and when I went back to see the doctor I found out that it had just just vanished… healed all by itself by God, surprising my doctor. I was not surprised it had healed because God told me as I lay on a beach that it would be alright. (See Leaving Panic Behind Under Palapa #39 ). I did not know at that time if alright meant that He would heal my eye or that I would go blind but I still knew no matter what the outcome it was going to be alright. By this point in my life I had realized that no matter what has happened over the past few years God has always been there for me showing me that he has everything under control. when He said it would be alright I fully had peace and I believed and trusted Him.

Most of my life before God I never really trusted anyone to much. When I was a kid we moved all the time and people were not so nice to me. I spent my childhood building up a lot of walls of protection. I didn’t really plan to be that way or realize it at the time but now looking back I can see it well.

When Jesus came into my life those barrier walls gradually started crumbling down, but I will admit I still struggle with the trust thing at times.

By now I fully know what God is capable of and not just because of the miracles he has brought about in my own life. The complexity of life itself, and things like the roar of the ocean, a sunrise or a sunset is proof enough that He is fully in control.

So now after telling you how much I trust God I am going to tell you how I recently failed at trusting God…..

Shortly after the macular hole in my eye was healed by God I was asked to be the missions chair at my church. To me that felt like something huge and scary but I prayed about it and I accepted the position knowing fully that it was what God wanted me to do. Even though it felt big and pretty scary I still felt confident that if God gave me the job that He was going to lead me in it. When I said yes to the job I was truly at peace about it.

Shorty after I accepted some things happened that totally blew my confidence out of the water. There were few things that were said to me that left me feeling like maybe I was off track or did not hear God correctly. I prayed and prayed about it and eventually I thought I had put it away, I was good for a few weeks but then insecurity started creeping back in. I went back and forth for several weeks feeling as if I was caught in a whirl wind. I would feel like it was okay and then something would happen and I would go back down again.

Things kept running through my head like – ‘what do I think I am doing being head of missions?’ ‘I still feel like I barely know my Bible, maybe I should go learn more about God first,’ ‘I am just too new at this God thing to be doing anything like this when there are so many more people in my church who probably would be better for the job,’ ‘people won’t agree with or believe that the ideas God puts in my head are what what he wants me to do,’ you name it and I am sure it crossed my mind.

Thankfully this past Friday things suddenly changed….

I am the person at our church that puts together the slides for our church’s service each week. This past week I was working on the sermon slides for the church service and the sermon was titled ‘Why Did You Doubt?’ The scripture used was Matthew 14:25-33.

25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,”they said, and cried out in fear.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,”he said, “why did you doubt?”

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

As I read the scripture suddenly all of the past weeks came rushing in and I realized that I have been behaving like Peter. In the beginning I had my eyes focused on Jesus as I stepped out of the boat to accept the missions position, but somewhere along the line I had let a few things somebody said shake my confidence and then I had allowed lies to started pouring in, eventually filling me with insecurity and fear and I now I was sinking.

There I was sitting in the sanctuary of my church working on sermon slides and suddenly it was like Jesus just reached out his hand and caught me saying “hey T, I’ve been here all along guiding you! Why did you take your eyes off of me? Why did you doubt?”

Whoa…After all I have been through these past 4 years with God showing me time and time again he is in charge, showing me his power, and his peace, I know these things and yet I had doubted! How had I let this happen?!

Suddenly it was like a lightning bolt went off in my head and I was like I was filled with some sort of great knowledge and then peace washed over me. My confidence was back again. Not confidence in me but confidence that because God brought me to this and it is HIS will, He has this all under control. All I have to do is follow where he leads and He will make sure His plan happens.

When Sunday finally came around and my pastor gave his sermon, as I was sitting there in the audience listening I realized I was getting the same sermon again that God had given me on Friday. It was like God was reminding me once again, “I got this T”

I wonder how many times I will have to hear this same sermon before I stop doing things like this. Peter saw Jesus feed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish and yet he still doubted! I have read this before and thought how could he do that??? But now that the ball is in my own court I did exactly the same thing, God healed my eye of a macular hole without the doctor doing a thing and yet I still had doubted!

Looking back over the past five years I realize that God has totally changed my life. I never would have believed this life I live right now would be my life if someone had tried to tell me five years ago, just that fact alone is so much proof of what God can do.

Five years ago I was pretty mixed up messed up person, I can’t really say that I will ever have it all together as long as I live on this earth, but today I do have Jesus along as my guide and I do feel as if I have finally reached the right path in life and as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus and let Him be my guide.

Do you feel as if you are sinking today? I think we all find from time to time we feel as if we are sinking. I do know that Jesus has the power to keep us above the things that make us feel as if we are sinking.

But if we still find ourselves beginning to go down all we have to do is put our eyes on Him and He will catch us and pull us back up.

My prayer today…

Dear Lord,

Please take from me anything that takes my eyes off of you. I know that I can boldly walk wherever you may lead, confident in the fact that as long as my eyes stay focused on you, you will keep me from sinking. I pray this prayer to you today not just for me, but also for anyone else who may feel as if they are sinking. Please catch them and lift them up.

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28 thoughts on “Why Did I Doubt?”

That’s a great story and very inspiring. We have that in common, you know..we were both saved fairly late in life(not that I’m saying you are old LOL…but you did say grandmother of three!) I was 45 and the grandfather of one when I finally surrendered my life to Jesus. Keep up the writing, as your work here is very important. Bless you.

Hey Wally I don’t mind being called grandmother and will admit it…ya I am old lol! I find it funny how when I was 29 and turning 30 I was all like “30 is so old! Now days I am all “51 is young!” lol funny how my perspective has changed. cool we both got saved about the same age. Thanks so much for sharing that and for coming by and reading and leaving such encouraging words they are much appreciated. God bless you.

Terri, I just love what you share here. I can relate to your story. God has been faithful in my life…. but how hard it is in the moment, when the waves are all around, to hold on to promises that are unseen.

What a great testimony! I struggle with this too. What I was thinking as I was reading this is how easy it is for us (especially myself) to forget all the ways we’ve seen God’s hand at work in our lives. This is the same problem the Israelites had that caused them to wander in the desert for 40 years. They forgot the miracles they had seen God perform for them, which caused them to doubt. Lord help us to remember all that you have done for us! Great post, Teri!

A wonderful message T that’s straight from your heart and yes I have had doubts too but God has always been faithful even when I doubted, I asked Him to increase my Faith and He did and I no longer doubt, if He says it I believe it, I asked Him for His wisdom and empowering, He gave them to me too, how Awesome is our Abba Father.

I’m still disabled T but for how much longer I don’t know but I Trust God each day to give me the strength to endure , until I’m healed.

yes you are right, he has always been faithful to me too even when I have doubted. I think that is probably the biggest lesson I just learned in all of this. I sure hope from this day forward I will stay with the same feeling I have this moment and not doubt ever again. Thank you for you comment and your encouragement!

Truly beautiful testimony, I have been there myself and even recently…I will tell you soon how it worked out for me! God is good all the time, if we let him have the reins in our lives. May God continue to bless you abundantly!

@terry how are you mighty woman of valour,how are you?do you know terry that mosts christians believe upside down.how?you may ask.by believing wrongly.terry you cant love God until God first’s love you 1john 4.10.the guilt and shame you are experiencing is because you trust in your righteousnes which is but ‘forgive me ‘but filthy rags.i mean dead works this are things christians do to ‘earn’browny points with God.in case you think i’m arrogant 579 days ago i was like you.what you have written about i struggled with consciously for about 7 years and unconsciously for 10years.im 32 years i got saved at age 10’once saved alway saved'(in God’s book ever heard of eternal security?).terry God loves you unconditionaly because your punishment jesus took on the cross for your past,present and future sins.it’s a journey you cant put new wine (jesus finished works for your life)into old wine skins (do’s and donts).terry are saved by grace which means unearned,undeserved,unmerited favor or are you saved by your righteouosness.read pauls letters to the gentiles,they talk about justification by faith apart from your performance i.e law remember grace is the to good to be true because it is indeed good.goodmorning

Yes Salvation is a free gift jameslantern and T is not working for it but because she is saved she shows she is saved, Faith without works is dead.

I believe that T had doubts because she was not secure in God’s Truth in the Scriptures, which many in the Church today are the same. But I have seen T mature over the time I have been following her and I know without doubt that she has a True heart of Love both for God and others and that comes from the empowering of The Holy Spirit but also she shows the good works of a True believer as confirmed below, she is not one who will say Lord, Lord and be sent away, her actions are promoted by her Love which shows she is a Redeemed Child of God, I have tested her Spirit and it is full of Love.

Matthew 25:34 -46 Then shall the King say unto them on His right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

Then shall the righteous answer Him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? And The King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

Then shall He say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels: For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not. Then shall they also answer Him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee? Then shall He answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me. And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your testimony and for the encouragement that God is working in us. Don’t you love when words just jump out at you when you least expect them to and touch your heart? God truly is good.

Terri, may I first say how awesome your healing is? Praise our Lord, who gives us amazing and unexpected gifts such as this, yes? I love this post. This idea/image of becoming a water walker has been on my mind for months. Only if we focus our eyes on Jesus can we walk on water. (The waves just seem so big sometimes, don’t they?)

May we all learn to keep our eyes on Him, the only One who can keep us aloft! Blessings to you!

Yes the waves to just seem really big sometimes, I am so thankful that somehow he always seems to remind me to keep looking at him. Thank you so much for coming by and for leaving a comment, blessings to you!

Wow this was truly encouraging n relatable!!! It’s nice to know im not the only one who does these things- sees God preform a miracle, even on ourselves, n yet we so quickly forget and let fear and lack of confidence creep in. Such a powerful reminder! Thank you so much! And thank You Lord for your unwavering love and grace!!

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Thank you so much for stopping by! This blog isn't really about any exact thing, other than just me journeying through my daily life and my love for Jesus. You may find pictures, poems or recipes, and a whole lot of lessons I've learned along the way. I really appreciate your visit and I hope that you will find something to make your visit worth your while and hopefully somehow make your day a little brighter.