6.14.2014

Hopeless Bullshit

My two week wait is almost over. Well that's what I've called it anyway. This wait doesn't culminate in peeing on a stick, it's to insure that I don't develop Serotonin Syndrome while switching medications. You have to do this when switching from an MAOI to an SSRI or vice versa. Two whole weeks without anti-depressants is really difficult, especially when you're going through withdrawals.

I did this back in January and although the withdrawals were harder physically, I had a lot more hope regarding the change. I did so well the first time I took Parnate (the MAOI) that I had really convinced myself it was my savior medication. When it didn't work the way I had thought it would it only made my depression worse.

I told myself I'd never take an SSRI again after getting off Lexapro and now here I am with a prescription for Prozac in hand. It's almost funny to me that it's taken so long for me to try what is probably the quintessential anti-depressant. I've been trying psychiatric medications for more than a decade now and have tried more meds than I can count on both hands, and maybe both feet.

Something I really despise is the attitude that medication is a "quick fix" or "easy way out" when it comes to psychiatric illnesses. Those people often tout diet, excercise, supplements, and talk therapy- all of which can be beneficial, but none of which will cure a true psychiatric illness. I'm not going to say psychiatric medications aren't overprescribed, they are, but that doesn't mean there aren't people who truly need them.

Taking psychiatric medication is hard. It's really fucking hard. First of all there are side-effects to every medication, and every medication effects every individual differently. It's very rare to be on a medication and feel no side-effects, it's always a delicately tipping scale of pros and cons. When I was on the medication Effexor a few years I gained over 50lbs and completely lost my libido, but I felt so good emotionally I decided to stay on it. Of course it stopped working after a few years, but that's another issue. (Yup, the meds can just stop working for no reason and completely out of the blue.)

There's also the issue of time. It takes weeks to see the full effects of a medication, especially if you have to build up to a certain dose. Building up itself takes weeks. And then getting off? More weeks. And there's always the threat of withdrawals- both emotional and physical. And when things don't work out you've just wasted weeks and months and maybe years.

And you're back where you started.

This is all compounded when you need to be on more than one psychiatric medication. Most people with Bipolar Disorder need to be on both an anti-depressant and a mood stabilizer (to prevent mania.) Finding the perfect cocktail can be like finding a needle in a haystack. It's complicated and oftentimes frustrating. I've lucky in the fact that I've been on the mood stabilizer Lamictal for many years and it works very well for what it is. The price is a different story.

Monday starts another long journey for me. I'm trying to have hope but it's hard and I'm jaded. But I'm not going to give up just yet.

13 comments:

I so hope that this is the one that will help you to feel more balanced. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't understand that depression and anxiety are not always issues that can be solved with therapy and exercise, etc. They don't get that it's a chemical imbalance and that can't be treated without medication!

I hope so too! It's funny because I was reading a post on a "natural parenting" Facebook group (that I really need to leave) about Post Partum Depression. So many people were saying that exercise is just as beneficial as medication and uh, no it's not. Maybe for people with situational depression but for true mental illness you need actual medication. It's so frustrating.

Ah I have been so lucky to avoid brain zaps so far! I've read those are really common with SNRI and SSRI withdrawals and after what I went through on Effexor and to a lesser extent Lexapro I'm so glad I never experienced them!Thanks girl!

Lauren, Wishing you great success this time! A few years ago I was prescribed sertraline after an episode of cardiac afib that they decided was stress and anxiety driven. I was miserable for the first three months with every side effect there was. Finally the group changed physicians and I was allowed to significantly reduce the dose. Side effects went away and I'm feeling really good on a low dose for about a year now. I hope you find success with Prozac, minimal to no side effects, and some relief to enjoy your life and family. I also want to thank you for sharing your story. I am sure that these blog posts help many people. xx

Thank you for sharing with me! I love being able to connect with people via my story and struggles because one of the worst parts of mental illness is feeling so alone.

I'm working my way up from a very small dose and I've done this so often that I'm pretty good at knowing when I'm at a good dose and when I should move up. I'm so sorry you had to go through all those side effects, that is just the worst. I'm really hoping Prozac will help me too without all the terrible side effects. I'm supposed to combine it with a diet drug called Phetermine to see if it helps "active" me a little- we'll see how that goes!

Aw thank you so much! I'll be honest, the last thing I ever feel like I have is strength, but I'm taking things day by day. Finding the right medication is a battle that never seems to end but it's just something you have to plug away at. I'm just taking things day by day right now!

I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how hard and frustrating this is for you!! It will all eventually be okay!! Keep believing that. Also, I love that drawing at the bottom. Just print that out and put it on your wall. :)

That is definitely the mantra I'm using to try and get through these days. It's hard to believe sometimes after I've been through so many heartbreaks with medications (this past one was especially bad) but I look at my sweet R and know things will have to be better one day.And isn't it the best picture ever, haha! It's from Hyperbole and a Half's depression series which may be the best thing I've ever read on the internet: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

So far so decent on Prozac. I took it all week last week and knock on wood didn't have any bad side effects. I think I noticed a slight change for the better in my moods, but I'm also PMSing and that throws me into a tailspin pretty often. I am really hoping this will be the one to work for awhile!

About Me

Hi there! My name is Lauren and I'm just another mom and this is just another blog. I live in Littleton, Colorado with my wonderful husband Nate (N) and our "darling" daughter Reagan (R). This blog is focused on my ongoing health battles, but you can take a peek at my archives for home renovations, crafts, subscription box reviews, and you know, whatever.