'Mass suicide now the only option left' say Cancun scientists

As the latest round of UN-sponsored climate talks opened in Cancun today, 'scientists' had a stark message on the threat posed by Man Made Global Warming. It is now so severe that only by exterminating ourselves like the vile parasite we are can we hope to leave a planet fit for habitation by generations as yet unborn, 'scientists' say.

The radical measures being proposed by 'scientists' include:

1. Compulsory consumption of ground-up tiger's whiskers.

2. Jonestown-style "eco parties" where kids can join in the fun by drinking poisoned Kool-Aid (or similar locally popular beverage: eg Irn Bru in Scotland; Badoit or San Pellegrino in Notting Hill, etc).

3. Natural death safaris in Africa, North America, Australia and even Antarctica where you can re-enter the ecosystem through the bowels of your killer predator of choice: Lion; Grizzly; Great White or Leopard Seal.

Professor Kevin Anderson, Director of the Tyndall Centre for Climate Change Research, said today in a quote I've made up but which is only slightly less absurd than what he actually said:

"Since the hacked Climategate emails, we expert Climate Scientists have come in for a lot of stick from sceptics and deniers in the pay of Big Oil who claim that we're just a bunch of misanthropic eco-fascists for whom freedom of choice is a concept more abhorrent than a baby polar bear pickled in shale oil. But nothing could be further from the truth. We believe that it should be entirely up to the people of the earth how they choose to kill themselves. If they don't wish to follow any of the fun suggestions outlined in the Royal Society's latest paper 'So you've decided to die for Mother Gaia?', we're more than happy to send round a team of our experts to do the job for them."

Meanwhile, a spokesman for David Cameron said he believed an outbreak of mass extinction would be "Great for Britain. Great for jobs." He pointed out that after the Black Death in the mid-fourteenth century, there had been some kind of similar economic revival as a result of there being more land, or people dying, or class barriers breaking down or some such, but that the exact details would have to wait for the forthcoming report on history teaching by Simon Schama, entitled: "Why death is the very least Britain deserves for the despicable colonial record which shames us all!"