One Night Stands May Be A Taboo Dating Habit, But They Made Me Self-Confident

What I am going to tell you goes against what self-help books and psychologists recommend. It is not a long-term solution, and might just have disastrous results. But for me, it made all the difference. I am talking about one-night stands, a very dirty, taboo concept in India and most parts of the world even today. I am talking about how they made my life better, and made me more comfortable in my skin. Here’s how that happened.

It began with a lot of self-esteem issues.

Fresh out of my first toxic relationship, I sought out my first one night stand because I felt terrible about myself and was down in the dumps. Weepy, sad, and full of self-pity, there wasn’t a bone in my body that considered me attractive. For me, love didn’t make sense anymore, and I needed a distraction, which is what a one-night stand seemed like. What I didn't realise is that going on a year-long one-night-stand bender of sorts, would rid me of the notion that one person should be my source of joy, validation and happiness. I learnt, through varied experiences with a wide variety of men, that my self-esteem is about me. The unintentionally gained liberty did me good, I would realise years later.

…But I was pleasantly surprised.

Many magazines say this, and it is not the most politically correct thing, but in my experience, it holds true: A man doesn’t care about your body hair, your tyres, or your flabby arms when you’re lying there in front of him. When there’s a naked woman in front of a man, he’s unlikely to be focusing on her flaws, thanks to social conditioning and general over-sexualisation of the female form (who knew someone would finally find a bright side there?).

So, for better or for worse, my experience of that one-night stand made me feel good. When you are young and are constantly told that your physical appearance is below average, it feels good to know that someone is attracted to you. When every scar and every stretch mark is lovingly caressed by someone (however temporary that “love” might be) it feels good. Is it wrong to seek validation from people this way? Probably. But what I speak of here isn’t right or wrong – I speak of my own experience as a human being vulnerable to the opinions and feelings of those I give myself to. If someone else can hurt me, then is it so bad that I let someone make me feel good, too?

Walk of shame? More like stride of triumph.

For some reason, society still thinks having casual sex is such a terrible thing to do. But ask anyone and you will find that most of them quite like orgasms and don’t see them as abominations. I am no different. From the very beginning, I never saw my body or my virginity as a part of my honour or a prize. As someone who identified as a feminist, I knew my orgasm is important. I wanted a healthy mutual understanding with my one-night stands, so the pleasantness of my sexual experience was guaranteed, and so my needs weren’t taken for granted. I decided the only thing I would regret is having a mediocre time and coming home dissatisfied. One night stands taught me to stand up for myself in the bedroom, so that I wouldn’t go home the next day feeling unhappy. The effort a guy then put in, once I took a leap of faith and actually had a direct conversation about my expectations, also boosted my confidence, because it made me realise that I could ask to be pleasured in the bedroom, and actually get it. I realised that I did not have to suffer in silence while the man enjoyed. In a world where many women live what was portrayed in Lipstick Under My Burkha, and can testify to the fact that orgasms are a rare occurrence in their lives, my successful series of conquests were a triumph I celebrated, celebrating myself in the process.

So why a one night stand and not a relationship, you ask?

Think of it along the lines of work experience. Would having the same job for five years, and three different jobs for five years, enrich you in terms of experiences the same way? That is the difference between experiencing new kinds of love and lust by meeting different people, and being in one relationship your whole life. Not only that, the independence from relying for one person on everything did me good, just as I was reeling from the negative effects of a co-dependent toxic equation that had crushed my self-confidence. Not being reliant on someone else, was healthy for my own sense of self because it gave me the independence I needed while taking care of my needs. I took chances on new kinds of equations, namely, one-night stands, and found that it helped me change my attitude to myself.

However, to say that all of the validation came from others, is a misunderstanding of the entire process. The real reason for my confidence wasn't that a man found me attractive enough to sleep with. The real reason was feeling attractive enough in my own skin, to go out there, and to be receptive to new experiences, instead of thinking that he will leave me if he sleeps with me, or if he sees how fat I am naked, or rejects me if I don't know how to do something in bed. Instead of writing premature apologies in my head for my body and my desires, I owned them. I woke up one morning and chose myself, chose that I like my needs being prioritised and met before all else. Everything changed then.