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Grandma playing favorites

scottypc wrote:

My MIL is a trip (& that's putting it nicely). She has been mad at DH & I all year for setting boundaries w/ her over an incident w/ my 6 year old (she was constantly intervening w/ discipline, etc). She hasn't called or come out to visit & wouldn't even pick the phone up to talk to DH all year. She's basically disapproved of us in general over financial decisions, parenting choices, you name it.... she's just one of those people who is always in your business & has no respect for anyone who does things differently than she does, & she just wants to run the show.

So for x-mas (we visited my BIL, neutral territory:), she bought my 6 year old 2 of these really cool (& expensive) lego sets... it's an entire lego kingdom, plus a card that she lovingly wrote in, 2 x-mas books that she also signed, dated & wrote a message in from her & my FIL, plus a bunch of little stocking stuffers. LO got 1 gift... a towel... no card, no signed books from grandma & grandpa, no stocking stuffers, nothing at all special for baby's first x-mas... that was it! She avoided LO the entire time, too, but lavished my firstborn w/ all her attention.

I had a feeling this might happen b/c she completely blew LO off when he was born (no welcome baby anything) & then for other holidays (Easter & Halloween), she specifically sent gifts only to my 6 year old, but nothing for LO. I know she is doing this to get back at me, but it just kills me to watch this happen to my kids. LO thankfully is just a baby & has no idea, but my 6 year old did notice & even commented about the discrepancy.

So, DH tried to talk to her about it b/f we left to come back home.... he told her that she needed to treat her grandsons equally & she responded, "Hmfp" & walked off... wouldn't even listen to her own son!

This is eating me up (anger will do that to you) & I have no idea what else to do about it. I know I can't control what she does & she is definitely letting us know that, but I feel like she's trying to control/manipulate us w/ her time, money, etc. It's a grotesque display of conditional love & I don't want to be around her at all. Nor do I want to watch her do this to my kids! But, DH is torn... it's his mother... argh!!... I hate this!!

Any suggestions?? What would you do in this situation?? She clearly has no intention of even listening to her own son & he's tried talking to his Dad about her, too, but all he wants to do is keep the peace & is no help whatsoever. I'd love some feedback b/c I can't think clearly about this any more.

As your children's mother, *you* are the one who calls the shots. If she can't play by your rules, then she doesn't see *either* of them. Your older child has already noticed, and I suspect he didn't think it was very cool, either. No harm, no foul.

If your oldest asks why he doesn't see grandma anymore, then I'd tell him that it's because I don't like how she treats the new baby and it's not fair to either one of them.

I'm sorry that's awful... I don't talk to anyone on my moms side of the family for the same problem you're having. When I was a kid and my grandparents didn't like how my parents did things, they would isolate us kids from the family. They stopped inviting us to reunions and gave us really lame gifts. I always felt so rejected and hurt by them and I still do. I know how damaging it can be to a child when they know they aren't being treated fairly. When adults start using children as pawns in their argument it can get very nasty, very quickly. To be honest I wouldn't even let your kids around her and let hubby deal with it. It's better to take the kiddos out of the equation.

I hear you. My stepdaughter spends Christmas with us, and mil sends her gifts to our house. This year dsd got $20.00 , a shower set and a book. My ds got socks, and nothing else. However , I don't allow contact between mil and ds, so I was surprised she sent him anything at all. She might think it pisses me off, but I actually prefer it this way. She 's the type that thinks if she spends a lot of money on the grandkids, that automatically gives her a say in what we do in our house. What these old hags don't realize is that it's not the dil they're hurting, it's the grandchildren . Cash has nothing to do with my issue with her, but yet she takes it out on him. I really didn't care, but dh was annoyed, and told her that maybe it would be better if she sent dsd's gifts to her mother's house to open when she comes back from vacation next year. Neither he nor I play that crap. Besides, my parents went waaaay overboard with gifts this year, for both my dsd and my ds, so it's not like they noticed anyway lol. They treat my dsd like she's blood, and even refer to her as their first granddaughter . My parents see her more than her paternal grandparents do. So don't worry too much about it. I agree with Enyo : if she can't treat equally, she doesn't see either one of them. The next time she does that will be the last time she sees both of them.It's up to her

I agree... I've always made DH deal w/ her, but it's taken me years to get him to even recognize her snide remarks (she very passive-aggressive & smooths her negative remarks w/ her sing-songy voice). So it's been really tough on our marriage. But I agree w/ you about the kids... their b-days are in Feb & Mar, & this will be her final chance.

socks! that's right up there w/ a towel, huh?! That's really sweet of your parents to treat both kids equally & take her on as their first grandchild. My family thankfully is like yours, so I have that to be grateful for.

My MIL plays favorites to a degree but I hope that my daughter won't notice. My husband has one sister who has a 22 month old daughterÂ and a 3 week old baby. My husband and I have a 9 month old baby girl. When my SIL had her first girl (first grandbaby), the in-laws went to see her in the hospital every day she was there (5 days for a C-section) and saw her twice a week for the first two months after the baby was born and have been sure to see her every time they've been in town since then (they live 2 hours away). Since her second baby was born three weeks ago they've been to visit five times. When my daughter was born they came to the hospital, were there for 30 minutes, went to visit SIL's baby and went home. After that they saw her once (because they were visiting SIL, anyway) in the first two months after she was born. For Christmas this year they bought my SIL's youngest a glow doll and her oldest girl they bought a pop up play hut with a tunnel attachment that she could crawl through. My daughter got a cheap, plastic piggy bank. A piggy bank for a 9 month old?! I'm just hoping she doesn't notice when she gets older the favoritism that goes towards her cousins.... I'm fairly certain my in-laws don't do it on purpose and just feel closer to my SIL since she's the mother and went through the pregnancy and delivery for those grandkids while their son just got me pregnant for this grandchild. But it still bugs me and I won't be going out of my way to make sure they get to see my daughter since they don't go out of their way to see her.

I'm curious if anyone else sees this favoritism towards grandchildren born to the in-laws own daughter vs their son.

I agree with the pp. If she doesn't treat them equally then she just doesn't need to be in their lives to hurt them that way. If she wants to send gifts then make it about equal or just don't send any period. Hopefully it will work out positively for you all in one way or another.Â

that's interesting... I have always felt my MIL thinks of my kids as "mine" & not her son's children. She hasn't once sent DH a card on Father's Day or even called to wish him a happy FD, but has always sent me cards on Mother's Day. (I won't be looking for that this year though) She doesn't have any daughters so I don't know if that's be any different. Hope it won't continue for you once your LO gets bigger.

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