Question: A question came to mind after listening to recent high profile news story, that may closely parallel a key “Jewish Value” drilled down by our parents, "you can be friends with non-Jews, but you can’t date them". Can this be interpreted as racism? Is this cause for non-Jews to hate Jews?

The Torah prohibits intermarriage from the verse in Deuteronomy, "You may not marry them," them in that instance referring to the surrounding peoples. Rabbinic authorities expanded this verse to be a blanket prohibition against intermarriage. By contrast, social connections with non-Jews have a far more open and positive history. It is clear from the Meiri, for example, in the late middle ages, that Jewish and Christian communities interacted socially and in positive ways including but not limited to business. We know enough history of the Golden Age of Spain to again see an era in which Jews and Muslims interacted in business, in thought, and socially, even including drinking parties and poetry. Our era similarly is one of great social openness in which friendships to non-Jews are part of the culture and ought to be encouraged.

Dating, however, raises a different set of concerns if one wants to hold onto spiritual and cultural identity. While there are some voices within Judiasm that are genuinely racist, and that perceive of non-Jews as less than Jews, my own sense is of a tradition that sees in-marriage as a means of preservation. We as Jews have something critical to say to the world, and sustaining Jewish families is a key way of carrying that message of blessing into the future.

I do not believe it to be inherently racist, nor a reason for non-Jews to hate Jews.

Question: I am a 52 years old man, raised Conservative, who has had to contend with autism my entire life. Oftentimes it is not the condition which affects me more than it is peoples' attitudes towards it.
For example, back in my early 20's I was back East working on my Master's degree and had ample opportunity to at least consider dating Jewish women. However, the two that I hit it off with dropped me quicker than a hot potato once their parents learned from my parents that I have autism. Back then (30 years ago), it was considered by such families as grounds to be an unsuitable suitor, much like a family history of cancer or mental illnesses also was then in those days.
I had far more successful relationships with women of other faiths who themselves or whose families were a whole lot less judgmental regarding either the fact that I am Jewish OR have autism.
The Jewish families who interviewed me said I was unsuitable for their daughters, and had given me to understand that I was not obligated to marry because my disability had made me expendable, and that my progeny were not essential to maintaining the numbers of their people.
I took them at their word and married out, so I wouldn't live a lonely and childless life. Did I settle? Yes. Because life is unfair, and one can only make the best with what one is given.
I decided that with such a cold reception I would take a cold and hard look at what Jewish life meant to me, and I decided that martyring my chances to be married by waiting for the right one to come, just to sanctify God's name, was far more than I reasonably expected God to ask of me, because the autism issue would come up each and every time I sought a besheret (soulmate/match).
I am asking what Judaism would say to me today in light of the situation I found, and the choices I made.
[Administrator's note: A somewhat related question appears at http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=860.]

There are a number of issues in what you raise, but I want to focus on the question now and the relationship that you currently have. There is a principle in Judaism called Onaah B'dvarim - oppressing people through language. Among the prohibitions, one may not insult someone for a decision already made. While that priniciple is most often applied to business matters, I feel strongly that it applies here. You are married. It worries me to have you refer to your current marriage as settling. To quote Rabbi Jack Molines, I am opposed to intermarriage but in favor of marriage.

It worries me to have you refer to your current wife as someone for whom you settled. Now that you are married to her, are there ways of working on that relationship together to deepen your connection? Can you together explore your faith and spirituality? I know very little of the bond you two have, but I hope this question can be a trigger for you to work towards deepening it. Rather than worrying whether you settled, or made the right choice, its time for you to make this choice the right one for both of you. We are drawing close to Rosh Hashanah, the birthday of the world. Its a day that reminds us of the incredible power we have to create the self. You cannot change how God made you, or how others accept you. But you can choose to invest in a person who has chosen to love you. You can reach back out towards someone who DID marry you and find ways of honoring and valuing the decisions of love and companionship you both have made.

I am truly sorry that Jewish people found you unworthy due to your autism. That is closed minded, sad, and wrong. You are neither unsuitable nor expendable. You are created in the image of God and with that comes challenges, but also amazing blessings. I pray that you find the blessings of those who DO love you, and that you cherish those people and seek for ways of growing with them.

Question: My question is two-fold.
I sort of stumbled upon a blog, where a "high-class escort", is describing her life. In the comments, a religious Moslem guy is chastising her to give up this 'career path' and do tshuva. I wanted to say something from a Torah stand point.
I know what the pertinent halacha/hashkafa (law) is for a Jewish lady. But I'm not sure about a Bas Noach (a female human being, non-Jewish, according to the Noahide laws).
Also, is it a Chilul Hashem (an affront for G-d) for me to even be commenting on such a blog?
Thank you.

Your question is intriguing on a number of levels. Let me start by reviewing a few thoughts on Jewish modesty. Jewish modesty, as Rabbi Yehuda Henkin identifies in his book Understanding Tzniut, demonstrates that modesty is much more about the behavior of the observant person rather than the compelled behavior of others. For example, the Talmud in several places warns people about where to look, but says very little about what anyone should wear. Further, the only Biblical prohibitions on modest speech and dress are to cover gentilia (makom erva). Rabbinic extensions of this rule however invite a much more robust contextual behavor of modesty. The Talmud for example says that someone who makes sexual jokes at a huppah reverses years of good fortune to bad fortune. This warning suggests that what we read and how we speak are of great significance. Taken together, these sources all suggest each person ought to engage in what is essentially a mussar practice of acquiring our own capacity of modesty.

Second, sexual immorality is an issue for a bat Noach. Adultery in particular is forbidden to all humans. Rabbinic tradition in general is very concerned about znut, about generally promiscious behavior. This is meant as a human concern. I feel it is an area where Jewish wisdom has a great deal to offer the world. Jewish tradition values sexuality as holy and encourages us to view that holiness as being found in marriage and in private settings.

Again, though, the focus in Jewish teaching is our own inner morality and behavior. I'm concerned about a few things. You say "sort of stumbled upon." That suggests you have some work to do on your own areas of modesty. Then, having "sort of stumbled upon" this blog, you read it and are now tempted by engaging this woman in conversation. I feel it suggests you might want to view this as a chance to think about where your eyes are drawn and to work hard on fulfilling the commandment to not be tempted after your eyes.

The other area of Jewish law raised by your question is tochechah or castigation. It is a commandment to call people's attention to bad or forbidden behavior. However, we do this only when there is a chance we can have an impact on the person. So castigation must be done with extreme care. The closer the relationship, the easier to understand a way of delivering a helpful message. I worry that blog posts don't invite the kind of relationship where true tochechah is possible.

I would conclude by quoting the Baal Shem Tov. In Sefer Baal Shem Tov in pararshat Noach there is long digression about prayer that includes a comment about moments of tochechah. He says the highest form of castigation is to lead a life of such joy and integrity that others are drawn to the example without ever saying a word of castigation. That is, their example is so compelling that others are drawn towards it and this is the truest tochechah.

Question: A person buys merchandise and pays fair value, only to suspect that the seller may have stolen the goods. The buyer feels guilty about keeping the goods. Throwing them away does not right the situation. Selling them to someone else is no better. Reporting the seller seems hypocritical - there is no evidence. What is the buyer's obligation according to Jewish values? (This question is based on an inquiry appearing in the "New York Times Sunday Magazine" The Ethicist column.)

Theft is certainly one of the worst sins in Judaism. According to the Rabbis, the generation of the flood was punished because of thievery. There was a total disrespect for personal boundaries: if a person saw something or someone they wanted, they just took it. This essential sin led to a complete breakdown of moral society such that God then destroyed all but Noah and his family. At the end of B. Sanhedrin similarly there is a comment that what makes someone wicked? Theft. So first of all, I commend you on your thoughtfulness and concern for this issue.

Similarly, one can only legitimately acquire an item from someone who actually owns the item. Thus a stolen item still claimed by its original owner can not become the property of a third party. I believe American law is identical in this regard. A third party can then be compelled to return the item at a later date even if acquired unknowingly.

In this case, however, there is a question of timing and doubt. If the doubt occured prior to the sale, the purchase should not be completed. If you are engaging in business dealings with a questionable merchant, you become party to the theft by encouraging economic gains from the theft. So at a minumum you should not again transact business with this seller if you have substantive reason to suspect they are selling ill gotten gains.

If you uncovered the doubt post purchase, your obligation is much less. Jewish law puts no obligation on you because you aren't sure of what happened. It is your responsibility to avoid known thieves, but not your responsibility to research the provenance of everything you purchase. You may choose to donate some equivalent value to a meaningful charity, but have no responsibility to do so.

If however you KNOW that it was stolen, you ought not use the item and should search for some way of either returning it or donating some equivalent value to charity.

Kashrut is a key value of the Jewish home. Adam and Eve are given only one commandemnt, and it is food related. That one commandment proves problematic and way too tempting. So then God as it were realizes the need for many commandments because one will prove simply too tempting. Yet there has to be at least one. Holiness, meaningful lives, come through restricting desire. Only when we clarify our values, only when we determine who we are in our deepest selves, can we make the kinds of choices to live lives that matter. Kashrut in part, then is about acquiring a practice that enables a person to make such meaning filled choices.

Second, Kashrut is about Jewish identity. It is a statement of continuity with the past, of saying that when we get together we have certain sacred ways of eating that including blessings and the choice of food. This enters a mindfulness into our eating practice.

Finally, people come from a spectrum of practice. To serve Kosher food means everyone there can eat and participate without any question or concern.

What that means is that having your affair be kosher makes a statement of values. You are getting married presumably under the Huppah and according to the "laws of Moses." The meal is a part of the wedding and so it makes sense for that meal to be elevated in its practice. I beleive you will feel a greater sense of the holiness of your wedding if you cater it in a kosher way.

Having said all this, the cost of Kosher supervision is unfortunately often outrageous. I often hear from couples of charges that are simply unaffordable. I feel Kosher supervision authorities and caterers need to find ways of making the whole process less expensive so that the price differential can be narrowed to make this an easier and more doable choice. For those for whom the price differential is too high, I at least urge people to serve only kosher foods, so to stick with vegetarian or fish options with your caterer. This injects a quality of thoughtfulness, holiness, and community continuity into the celebration.

Question: My beloved mother, 97 years old, is in intensive care in Buenos Aires, Argentina, I am in Canada, and also sick with bronchitis. My question is: if she seems to be ready to pass (go to olam habah) and wants me to come see her before that happens, but I am not able to go, what should I do. [What obligations do I have to honor my mother's wishes when it affects my own health?]

Yours is a serious and subtle question that needs to be considered on a variety of levels. First is the halachic. That is, what is the minumum requirement according to Jewish law in honoring one's parents. The Talmud in Ketubot defines pretty clearly the limits of what it means to honor parents. It means to refrain from publicly contradicting them, it means to leave them a place, and it means to financially assure that they are cared for in times of infirmity. It does not require one to obey them, or even to be physically present for them. The Talmud recognizes that there are a variety of family relationships and that in some cases being physically present for a parent can be toxic to someone or hurtful in other ways. So from a purely Jewish law perspective, no, you do not have to travel.

The second level is the emotional. Our tradition is one that honors generational connections. There is a reason the Talmud always offers teachings with a web of history connecting the original thought to its current tradent. It is critical for us as human beings to find ways of honoring our relationships with our parents. To fail to do so is to harm ourselves on a deep level from which it is difficult to recover. This level requires a more personal calculus on your part. You are not required to visit your mother, but the question of whether you should is more complex. Certainly, if travelling will cause you harm you may not travel. However, you need to then think long and hard of other ways in which you can honor and care for your Mother will she is still living. That might include phone or skype calls, letters, hiring some help in Buenos Aires, sending her flowers, etc. She may remain disappointed that you havent come, but you will then know you made the effort to honor your connection and love of her.

The final level is spiritual. I am big believer in the power of prayer. The connection with a parent is one key path by which we access the Most Holy. Prayer and contemplation at this challenging time may well provide you with comfort, but also with some direction in how to lovingly and compassionately respond to your Mother in a way that leaves her feeling loved and respect, but also cared for you and for your needs.

There are a variety of different kinds and sources of gelatin. Some come from unkosher slaughtered animals, while others are made from fish or other sources. As a result, Gelatin should always have a kosher mark to be considered kosher.

Your questions raises three issues for me. One is the mixing of milk and meat. Meaning, CAN you have a shank bone with a dairy meal. Second is the value in Judiasm of being a vegetarian. That is, if one is a committed vegetarian is it permissable to omit the bone. And third, is there a requirement to have that bone anyway.

Third issue first. The shank bone or zeroa is placed on the Seder to remind us of the offering of the lamb for Pesach. It is a purely symbolic reminder. It is a minhag, custom, to do this. There is no requirement from Halakhic sources. The closest I am aware is the statement in Pesachim 114b that one should have two meat dishes at seder, one in memory of the Passover lamb and one in memory of the Festival offering. Thus, the zeroa practice evolves as a strong Jewish practice.

Second, there are numerous Biblical sources that support being a vegetarian. Early sources in Genesis and the permission given to Noah to eat meat all imply that being a vegetarian is a meaningful moral committment. Thus if one chooses vegetarianism as a moral practice to elevate oneself spiritually (I say this as a non-vegetarian) then one may refrain from eating meat at holiday or Shabbat meals.

Finally, the shank bone is never eaten. As a result, one could easily segregate it out so that it didnt contact the other food at the Seder and so COULD be present even at a dairy meal.

I would therefore suggest as follows. If you are not a vegetarian, you should follow the general practice mentioned in the Talmud and practiced through to the present day of eating a meat meal and including a shank bone on your Seder table. I would not eat a dairy meal out of convenience or preference. There is the strong sense that for those of us who do eat meat that a meat meal is more joyous and more fitting to the festival.

By contrast, if you are a committed vegetarian, then you can certainly serve a dairy meal and omit the bone if you want. The Jewish Catalog mentions use of a beet in place of the bone since it is red and can symbolize the blood of the offering used to mark the doors of the Israelites in Egypt.

I wish you a truly joyous Pesach filled with feeling of liberation and joy.

Since you are using the words "amends" my assumption is you feel you overstepped and are now trying to make it up to your son. Assuming that to be the case, its worth keeping in mind a few values. Jewish tradition urges parents not to strike their children because one day they will be older and may hit back. This thus violates the commandments against placing a stumbling block before the blind. Ie, we are creating a situation that will invite a child to violate Torah because of the created violent feelings.

This teaching feels more broad than a disapproval of a certain type of discipline. The Torah commands us to honor our parents; this teaching reminds us to reciprocate and honor our children. The Rabbis also teach (M Sandhedrin 3:4) that God created people singly for two reasons. First, to show God's uniqueness. God can use one stamp (Adam) and create many unique individuals. Put another, genetic diversity is a miracle of creation. Second, it comes to teach that we are all descended from the same parents and therefore no one can claim greater descent or heritage. Together, these two teachings are an alert to parents. Our children are unique beings created with an aspect of the divine in them. It is our job as parents to help that self unfold. When our children are young, the job is more defined. As they enter teen and adulthood, our responsibility shifts to listening and coaching, to honoring that aspect of the divine that is unique to them, and different from us.

So my suggestion is to be clear in your own mind about where those boundaries lie. To identfiy your role as coach and listener, to wait for help to be requested. I would tell your child how much you love him and to apologize for overstepping. I would then suggest honoring him by asking him what he wants from you. Is there something you could do together every week that would be fun time shared? When and how does he want you to get involved in helping? How can he ask you for help and feel that is going to be well received?

Our children are a great blessing from God. The transition to adulthood includes a transition into establishing and being their own person. We are sacred witnesses to that process. If you view yourself as providing love, witness, scafolding, listening, I feel your son will feel honored and appreciated.

Question: A non-married Jewish man, in a seriously committed relationship with the woman whom he loves with all his heart and plans to marry, made the biggest mistake of his life and committed one physical incident of infidelity with no emotional component, and which did not include any form of intercourse, but did involve pleasureful contact, when he was solicited by another woman, and acted in this way in a moment of weakness.
If that man later confessed most of the pertinent details of the incident to his significant other, but minimized the full extent of the physical contact in his confession by lying about it, would Jewish ethics and values indicate that he must confess the rest of the details, and also that he lied to his significant other in the earlier confession?
The S.O. has already moved forward and forgiven him for what he has revealed. Is the rest of the information irrelevant if the woman knows that she was betrayed and nearly the full extent of the contact?
This man wants nothing more then to remain 100% committed to their relationship with all his mind, body and soul, but feels like he has kept something from her that she deserved to know and is suffering from guilt.
Is this genevat daat (stealing the mind - deceit/deception/fraud)? Does this fall under preserving shalom bayit (peace in the home)?
At this point further confession will only lead to more hurt, mistrust, pain to the innocent partner and deterioration of the relationship, with little benefit from the additional information to either party, and only feed her doubts.
What should this man do, and can he repent and do teshuva for his unfortunate conduct? He has shown genuine remorse and vowed to never betray his significant other ever again.

Jewish ethics have implications beyond the Jewish world. Torah speaks to Jews specifically, but also to humanity. The notion of the Noahide laws, a basic set of morality that applies to all humanity, means that Judaism even conceives of Torah as commanding all humanity in certain basic behavior. I would argue that Torah and Jewish ethics generally has a broader ethical voice to offer the world. Rabbi Saul Berman, for example, has long argued for the exceptional human quality of Torah ethics. Each life is sacred and we cannot sacrfice one life for another.

In this particular area of interpersonal relationships, Judaism does speak. Adultery is a deep human betrayal. It is for this reason that the Rabbis teach that an aduterer must cease her adultery and leave her marriage. She is forbidden to both because of the deep irreperable betrayal that has occurred. However, this applies only after marriage and only when there is intercourse.

In this case, there has been great harm and it appears great healing. There has been a process of change that suggests this man would not do such a thing, given an equal or greater temptation, again. I am concerned about the ongoing dishonesty. A process of repentenance includes taking full responsibility for what you have done. If he is misleading his partner in an active way for his own benefit, than yes, that sounds like an actual lie, even more than genvaat daat. On the one hand, Jewish ethics have no requirement to use truth as a bludgeon, but it does require that we tell people the information they need to make informed decisions in their lives. If he is open that they had a physically intimate experience but didnt go into details in order to spare his partner pain, fine. But if he glossed over the details to imply that less happened than actually did, I feel he needs to be more open. For the relationship to continue, trust needs to be restored. That can only happen when each partner is fully open with the other. She also may have had the opportunity to ask more and chose not to, knowing it would only be hurtful. In that case, he is right to omit the details. There is a famous Mishnah that instructs wedding guests to always say the bride is beautiful, even when she is not. That is, we don't tell brutal truths that only hurt. However, we are commanded to stay far away from dishonesty, meaning we cannot withhold or distort information that can lead to injury. From what you say he seems to be in the former category, but I would urge him to really think and sit with what he has done and said and make sure that he is comfortable that his omissions are only to avoid her further hurt and not to minimize his failings so she will stay with him.

What is also unclear from the question is whether the woman is Jewish. If she is, than another consideration is how to share moral and spiritual traditions. Especially after an encounter like this, finding a way to have a shared spiritual identity seems essential. Healing can be found in community; shared ethical learning can help inform future conversations and actions. I would urge the couple to look for ways in which they could share Judaism and participate in Judaism to elevate themselves spiritually and morally, and to create contexts in which they can togeher share worries and fears.

Conversion ot Judaism is a process that requires committment and a willingness to make changes in ones life. Having said that, there are a variety of option for how that process works that vary from community to community. I would suggest contacting a few local Synagogues to see if their class and programs will work for you and if there is a way of customizing to your schedule. I wish you many blessings and hope you find your way to Judaism.

Question: For many years I have stayed up most of the night. I am concerned that this is a sin against G-d. If i worked on it I could sleep at night like other people and be more active during the day. I wonder about this - what does Jewish tradition or law say about this?

The hours a person keeps have no Jewish significance, ethical or spiritual. In fact, there are several practices related to late night learning and prayer that take advantage of the quiet and reflective nature of midnight and very early morning. The more important issue is the quality of your spiritual life and human interactions.

One concern would be the health of your schedule. Are you getting 7-9 hours of sleep?Are you going to bed at a consistent hour and waking up at a consistent hour? Most studies show that these two issues are essential for health, happiness, and well-being.

Second, is this schedule giving you opportunities to engage with friends and family? If your peers are on a similar schedule, then this seems fine. If, by contrast, this schedule is cutting you off from others, that could be problematic.

Jewish prayer practices do require some alertness at each stage of the day. Therefore, one ought to be aware and awake at such moments, regardless of when you are otherwise sleeping. Ideally, the Shema is recited twice a day, once before the third hour after sunrise, and once between full dark and midnight. Within those constraints, there are a lot of possible schedules.

Put another way, I don’t think God is angry at you for keeping a non-traditional schedule. However, your body and mind are holy, in the image of God, and this requires caring for yourself.

Question: A few months ago, I accidentally discovered that my wife of almost 3 years (the complete love of my life) was having an affair with another man. The circumstances were just horrific.
I was just stunned and devastated to learn all this. I had no idea of my wife's frustrations, and no idea she was someone that was even capable of doing such a thing.
We have been to regular counseling for months now, and even now my wife is still at a loss to completely explain what happened and how it evolved.
Here is my question...
Now, 3-4 months removed from the affair, I am still occasionally dealing with hurt and pain that I may never fully get over 100%.
Nonetheless, I have forgiven my wife and chosen to stay with her. In spite of what occurred, I do love her tremendously. I do believe she is my beshert/soulmate. I am happiest when I'm with her, and I still see my future with her, and I believe that she feels the same way about me.
Tears beyond tears have been cried by both of us, and my wife has expressed an enormous amount of regret, remorse, and an appropriate amount of self-loathing, all of which I judge to be genuine.
At times, she has even suggested attending Shabbat services at our local synagogue to atone and ask G-d for forgiveness.
For sure, I am not fully over what happened, and I may never be fully over it altogether. Likewise, she may never be able to get over the fact that she committed adultery and betrayed and acted against someone she loves. It is a terrible tragedy in both our lives that can never be undone. But I'm pleased to say that my wife and I are currently in a very good place. We are extremely happy with one another and extremely in love. And ironically, the communication which has resulted since the affair (which should have come prior to the affair) has taken our relationship to an even far better place in so many ways than where I perceived it to be prior to the affair.
In short then, I have forgiven my wife.
I hope that she can eventually forgive herself.
Will G-d do the same?
What does Judaism say about this situation?

Adultery and the hurt it engenders is enormous. It is one of the "big ten" - called out specifically in the Ten Commandments. The Talmud expresses great concern about the ability of someone to repair a relationship once damaged in this way. However, you appear to be saying that your relationship has indeed found a healthy and open connection between the two of you. I worry that there remain issues of broken trust for both of you. Its good that you have forgiven her: carrying hurt is painful in the extreme. I urge you to spend some of your own time in prayer and thought, asking for healing from God and direction in your own self.

God's power to forgive is enormous. AJ Heschel in Torah from Heavens writes beautifully about the relationship between teshuvah, our ability to change ourselves in the deepest sense of who we are, and forgiveness, God's ability to forgive even beyond what we deserve. In the High Holidays liturgy we quote Leviticus saying that God will cleanse and then purify us. This means that God has the power to forgive in ways that are transformative and offer the possibility of new beginnings even greater than we deserve. By the same token, Judaism emphaisis our human ability to make choices. That means, says Rambam, that we can remake ourselves such that we are transformed and were we in the same situation again we would no longer give into that which tempted us in the past. In other words, we are capable of reinventing the self. So yes: God can forgive your wife. God's forgivining power is beyond human comprehension. Ultimately, only your wife can experience that forgiveness. For the rest of us, gazing out from the darkness behind our eyes, we can only choose to trust.

Judaism values an equality between people. The word "Israel" referring to the Jewish people is ascribed by Genesis to mean those who wrestle with God. Yet as Dr. Israel Knohl of the Hebrew University has pointed out, this attribution is problematic. Usually, names that include God in them, such as Samuel or Michael, have God as the subject, not the object. Further, the usual means "sharrah", the root of Israel, means authority. Thus, Israel most likely means God will rule. Early Biblical history suggests that this direct relation of the people to God without intermediary was the desired state. There is archeological evidence from this era as well that suggests a certain equality within Israelite villages.

In the later Biblical era, Judaism had and honored a royal system with some reservations. Deuteronomy warns against the king have too many wives and horses, suggesting a concern that other Near Eastern Potentates had excessive courts, or that some Israeli Kings were viewed as excessive. Though David's Kingship is regulalry venerated, there is a real discomfort with royal power and perquesites throughout the Bible.

Ultimately, then, the goal is to direct experience each human being as created in the Divine Image. We are all of us Children of Adam, and so no one can say that his or her lineage is superior.

Honoring the deceased is one of the highest values in Judaism. I often comment at a house of Shiva that the people in the room are unquestionably in the most important place they could be at that particular moment. Indeed, the Talmud states the a funeral procession has "right of way" - that every other procession - gives way to the funeral procesion. There is only one exception- a wedding party. This establishes a key principle that Judaism shows great respect at a time of loss and that Judaism establishes a bias where life and joy take precedence.

The commandment to get a bris milah on the eight day is Biblical. It takes precedence even over Shabbat observance. A bris is certainly a joyous occasion, but it is also a moment of solemnity and recognition of the cycle of life. The funeral taking place later that same day will surely impact the joyous quality of the bris, but at the same time the Jewish cycle offers comfort in saying that life continues. I would urge you to find ways of honoring the deceased's memory at such a bris. It wil be on everyone's mind, and memory is a part of new life. The values and examples of the person who passed away, for example, could be offered as a hope for qualities that this new life will embody.

As to the meal that follows, there are a variety of different opinions. My suggestion is to recognize that the meal of celebration, much like the meal in a house of shiva, is much different from a party with music that would be inappropriate at a time of mourning. The direct mourners might choose to attend only the ceremony, and it would make sense to plan something in a month or so to celebrate more fully.

Question: What exactly is the position of minhag (custom) in halacha (Jewish law), and when is someone bound to follow the community in something which is not purely halachic (according to Jewish law)? Where is the place of chumra (~strict interpretation) within Judaism?
Thank you.

Much of Jewish practice lies outside the 613 mitzvot given in the Torah and then expanded by the Rabbis. These two areas - Torah and Rabbinic based commandments - make up the system of mitzvot. Parallel to that system are minhagim, practices or habits. Some of these habits are quite widespread, while others vary from community to community. For example, the recitation of Kaddish for a mourner is a universal minhag with no corresponding mitzvah. Yet Jews have accepted it upon themselves as being just as obligatory as any mitzvah. Minhagim and Mitzvot together make up the system of Halakhah, the Jewish path of practice.

In such context, varying minhagim are generally viewed as equally valid practices. Spiritual value is uncovered in preserving the practice of our families with a recognition that there are other equally valid ways of finding meaning in a specific practice. Sephardic Jews see Ashkenazi Jews as having a valid way to hang their mezuzot. They just do it in a different way.

The mobility of the 20th Century has confused the issue of geographically determined minhagim. The two centers of Jewish population, the United States and Israel, are both composed of a hybrid of populations.

Jews in the United States tend to be Jewish omnivores. In the same way that they will try a new ethnic food, or travel to a different place, they easily pick up a new minhag that they may learn of or read of. Pesach Seders have seen a number of such practices develop over the years, from newly originated American practice like having an orange at the Seder to symbolize feminist issues to the widespread adoption of beating guests with a scallion during Dayenu from the Jewish Arabic tradition. The mixed nature of our communities mean we are exposed to a wide variety of minhagim from around the world. And, when they touch us, we tend to adopt them, at least for a time.

So when a family minhag is known, it should be maintained. Similarly, when a particular Synagogue or community has an established custom, it should also be followed at least in public. I also feel that people have the minhag in the US of choosing among various customs especially around holiday observance and celebration and so this is also part of our established practice.

Stringencies or humras are a whole different area. These are areas of practice where one person voluntarily accepts a more stringent practice. Such customs when adopted by an individual can be praiseworthy and a mark of real piety. When entire communities have these humrot pressed upon them, they are much more problematic. So for example in the area of modesty, most Halakhic sources prior to the 1900s agree that modesty is set based on the standards and context of the community. Today we see humrot promulgated as law about specific dress requirements. Such humrot are not “strict interpretation” but in fact in their strictness undermine the original sense of the practice.

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