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Greetings, I hope this letter finds you well. Your activities have come to my attention through a variety of sources. I read your biography (by a “Doctor” Seuss, who I have reason to believe was not licensed to practice medicine at all) and also seen the film based on your holiday performance project. I hope you pardon my intrusion, but as someone with a performance background, I thought perhaps you might be open to some constructive criticism re: your stealing Christmas.

The Santa Suit? Again: huge red flag. While I agree that it makes your actions timely, it also limits you to a very specific time period and outside of that, you’re just going to alienate your audience and make yourself that much easier a target for hassling from “the man.”

Also, there’s a narrator talking about you while you walk around doing your thing… did you know that? You might have to take him out. He sings songs about you, catchy little tunes espousing the negative traits of your personality. I’m rather surprised you haven’t been made aware of this character assassination and sued him for libel. If you need the advice of a good lawyer, I might be able to recommend one.

Now then, regarding the actual chain of events comprising your holiday larceny project “Stealing Christmas” (is that trademarked? copyrighted? You may want to do some research on branding). Let me say first that I truly appreciate your grasp of deconstruction. Your reverse Santa routine was sheer genius. I do however, question your commitment to the delivery of your message, as you obviously allow the emotional state of the audience to affect your performance. Much like Maplethorpe, or Annie Sprinkle, you intend to shock and subvert the dominant paradigm, however on the occasion of your performance, when a child asked you why you were doing what you did, you were unwilling (or unable) to explain your methodology and aesthetic.

Perhaps one solution would be to target an audience more in touch with your style. I understand that you live on a 3000 foot mountain just north of Whoville, so a local audience is easy and safe for you to utilize for previews, but as this was a one-time performance, I would urge you to look into small theatres in larger cities: New York, Chicago, Portland for example. The fact that your biography is a bestseller certainly gives you the name recognition.

I believe you need a clear mission statement. Your current artistic statement: “To stop Christmas from coming” is a bit stale. Let me suggest a few possibilities:

1. To spread awareness that by experiencing the lights, glitter and rich foods leading up to the big day when a magical stack of free gifts are awarded, children quickly adapt to the artificial thrill of acquiring shiny but usually unnecessary things.

2. To express the pagan origins of the yule holiday by subverting the status quo and denying the Juedo-Christian tradition of gift-giving and merriment, showing the emotional resonance of such materialistic celebrations to be hollow.

3. To steal shit from whos.

It is my sincere hope that you take these critical notes as they are intended – from one performance artist to another as a friend. Please feel free to ask for clarification on any of my points. I would love to assist you in future endeavors. Currently, I am working with a cat who expresses himself through haberdashery, but I do have openings available if you’re looking for life coaching and feedback.