Need An Excuse? Take It From The Pros

Hey, kids! Next time you're in serious doo-doo, do what bigleaguers do: Deny, alibi and justify! It's easy with this handyannotated excuse card! Just cut it out, keep it in your pocketand use it the next time the heat's on you!

I didn't do anything wrong.[1] I was taking allergymedication.[2] I don't think I was inflicting any danger onmyself or others on the road. I was feeling fine.... I don'tthink I failed the tests.[3]

Don't forget, I'm 60 years old.[4] I was sleepy, very sleepy.Plus, I was very dazed by the accident.[5] Besides, how am Isupposed to walk a straight line with my recurrent knee injury?[6]

I was harassed by the police, the whole nine yards.[7] Thepolice arrested me to cover up their own negligence.[8] Theofficer disrespected me in front of my peers.[9]

I didn't do any. It was just the significant amount of time thatI spend (around) marijuana users.[10] I did send himinformation.... That's all I sent.... But there was no drugs init.[11]

It's all lies.... There was some high jinks going on.Partying.[12] I was told it was a good place to get adeep-tissue massage.[13] Actually, I'm shocked and amazed to bearrested at all in this matter.[14] And these handcuffs arescratching my Rolex.[15]

They were flimsy, anyway. All you had to do was sit on them, andthey'd break.[16] Plus, I'm overweight. I put on a lot of weightin the off-season, and it makes me unstable.[17]

This is character assassination ... false assumptions,misrepresentations and innuendos.[18] This is the greatesttravesty I've ever seen.[19] I've been verbally abused.[20] Evenif I did do this, it would have to have been because I loved hervery much, right?[21]

[2]Boston Red Sox outfielder Mo Vaughn's reason, stated by hislawyer, for failing eight sobriety tests (when asked to recitethe alphabet, he couldn't get past P) and refusing to take aBreathalyzer during an arrest for drunken driving.

[3]New York Mets outfielder Bernard Gilkey, when asked about apolice report on his DWI arrest. According to the report, heswayed from side to side during sobriety tests and, when told toclose his eyes and bring his outstretched finger to his nose,hit his mouth.

[4]Dallas Cowboys coach Barry Switzer on how he could'veforgotten he was carrying a loaded revolver when he passedthrough an airport security check.

[5]More reasons given by Vaughn's lawyer for the failedsobriety tests.

[6]Another reason Vaughn's lawyer gave for the failed sobrietytests.

[7]Cincinnati Bengals running back Corey Dillon after beingarrested for DUI, driving with a suspended license, running overa curb, refusing to take a field sobriety test and refusing totake a blood-alcohol test.

[8]Vaughn's lawyer's charge that the blame for Vaughn's crashinghis pickup truck into an abandoned car should be laid on theMassachusetts state police for not having removed the car, whichhad broken down and been left on the highway shoulder for 13hours. During that time thousands of other motorists had drivenby it without incident.

[11]Jerry Poe, a high school teammate of former Red Sox managerButch Hobson, after Hobson was arrested with an overnightpackage from Poe containing two grams of cocaine.

[12]Agent for Charlotte Hornets power forward Anthony Mason,maintaining his client's innocence on statutory rape chargesafter an alleged night of sex with two teenage girls, one 14 andthe other 15. Mason denies that the encounter took place.

[13]San Francisco 49ers wide receiver Jerry Rice after policefound him in a massage parlor they suspect was used forprostitution.

[14]New England Patriots running back Dave Meggett's reaction,according to his lawyer, after being arrested on charges ofsexual assault and robbery of a 33-year-old Toronto woman, whosaid Meggett continued to have sex with her after his condombroke and then "took back" some cash he had given her "as a gift."

[15]Meggett at the time of his arrest. He denies the assaultand robbery charges.

[16]U.S. Olympic hockey player Jeremy Roenick, on the chairs thatwere damaged as part of the ransacking of three rooms by U.S.players at the Olympic Village in Nagano.

[18]John Spano, prospective New York Islanders buyer, reacting tocharges from team owners that he did not have sufficient capitalto acquire the team. Spano would later plead guilty in federalcourt to four counts of fraud for using phony documents toinflate his net worth.

[19]Indiana basketball coach Bob Knight, after engaging in a longshouting match with and then being ejected by Big Ten refereeTed Valentine, who has worked three of the last four Final Fours.

[20]Golden State Warriors guard Latrell Sprewell after choking hiscoach, P.J. Carlesimo, leaving the gym and then returning 20minutes later and threatening to kill him.

[21]Hall of Fame running back O.J. Simpson on suspicions that hemurdered his wife.

[22]Former NFL receiver Alex Hawkins, who arrived home at 6 a.m.after a night of carousing but claimed that he had fallen asleepat midnight on the porch hammock, upon being told by his wifethat she had removed the hammock two weeks earlier.