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Earthquake wakes up LA

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. He began his stand-up comedy career at The Comedy Store and has made a number of appearances on The Tonight Show. He has written for television series such as The Richard Pryor Show and Laugh-In.

Los Angeles was awakened by a sharp earthquake Monday centered in Sepulveda Pass leading into the San Fernando Valley in early morning. How sharp was the jolt? An hour later, the Hollywood Bowl announced that this weekend’s God is Dead rally has been canceled.

New York held a St. Patrick’s Day Parade for Irish Americans and fellow revelers Monday. It’s always a day of drinking, singing, fighting, biting, kissing and anonymous sex. St. Patrick’s Day is the worst day of the year in New York, Boston and Chicago not to have all your vaccination shots.

President Obama ripped Sunday’s election when Crimea’s people voted to leave Ukraine and join Russia by a 97 percent margin. He wasn’t the only world leader who disrespected the vote. North Korea’s Kim Jung Un called it a victory by the slimmest of margins.

President Obama froze the assets of seven top Russian officials and slapped U.S. sanctions against Russia along with EU sanctions. If you’re the U.S. astronaut about the Space Station, you’ve got to be worried about the sanctions against Russia, considering they are your only ride home.

NBC News reports the earthquake that struck Los Angeles damaged only one building on Monday. The jolt was sudden and sharp. The earthquake flipped the Gallup Organization’s office building upside down and now President Obama’s approval rating is 83 percent.

The Program for International Student Assessment reports U.S. kids scored only average in reading and science compared to kids in other countries and below average in reading. Our kids were the tops in one category. They know never to watch Lost before flying to Malaysia.

The Malaysian Airlines flight remained missing Monday as cable news exhausted viewers with experts giving their hypotheses. Those of us who work the stage every night have one question. How embarrassing would it be if that plane was in Malaysia’s pocket the whole time?

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that the birth rate in the United States declined for the fifth consecutive year last year. It’s so hard to get ahead out here. Every time the earth shakes in Los Angeles a flat screen TV falls off the wall and creates another one-child family.

President Obama cited progress in the War on Terror during his presidency last week in an interview. There’s evidence of progress. George W. Bush used to say the terrorists hate us for our freedom and our prosperity, and today they have to think of a new reason to hate us.

Senator John McCain returned from Ukraine and appeared on Sunday talk shows where he urged the U.S. to arm the Ukrainians, The bad news is it could escalate to World War III. Republicans have concluded that destroying the planet may be the best way to stop Obamacare.

“The Wolf of Wall Street” with Leo DiCaprio is released on DVD in video stores Tuesday. It’s about a New York money manager who served coke, champagne and hookers to his brokers in the ’90s. They edited out the scene where President Clinton speaks at their prayer breakfast.

The Los Angeles Dodgers and Arizona Diamondbacks flew to Australia to open the Major League Baseball season. Everyone’s worried about what shape they will be in when they return. Under Australian Rules Baseball you must stop at every base and drink a can of Foster’s.

The White House this week decided to use March Madness as a last minute push for more Obamacare enrollees among young people. The backlog is huge. Some people said they had to sit at their computers for nine straight hours, breaking the old record set by Anthony Weiner.

Justin Bieber was ordered to go on trial in May for drunk driving in Miami on top of his pot smoking on planes and codeine found by cops at his home. The scouts are impressed. Betty Ford has just traded up so they can select him in the June draft ahead of Promises Malibu.

President Obama signed an executive order requiring salaried restaurant managers to be paid time-and-a-half overtime. It could raise menu prices and cause the Democrats to lose senior citizen votes. You are not officially old until you decide to eat at Denny’s while sober.

President Obama sent two boxes of White House brewed beer to Canada’s prime minister to pay off an Olympics bet. The boxes arrived marked Honey Porter and Honey Blonde. The Canadians read the labels and just assumed the Clintons were already back in the White House.

President Obama told a young audience if they can’t afford Obamacare they can cut off cable TV or cell phone service to pay for it. Reaction was volcanic. Sasha and Malia just called that New Jersey teenager who sued her parents to see if she wants to make it a class-action suit.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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