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Worst. Advice. Ever

I just stumbled across a website with the worst “how-to” advice I’ve ever come across when it comes to horses. I’m pretty sure it’s just one of those weird ad-directed sites, but still.

It starts off decently enough…. although it’s kind of obvious English isn’t the writer’s first language:

Eventually it is the dream of all horse owners to ride on them but if you have aggressive horse, it becomes a frustrating problem for you to ride on it. Here in this site I am going to share some valuable tips and tricks for successful horse riding with you. These tips can be a part of your horse riding training as well. You have done your best to ride on your horse but you failed? Don’t worry! I am here to guide you in the best way to make your horse cooperative with you.

Say wha-aa–a-at? You know, my old thoroughbred Jubilee and I were great friends. Fantastic friends, even. But you know what? That didn’t stop him from spooking and trying to fling himself backwards off of drop offs every time he freaked out. Maybe we weren’t as good of friends as I thought…

“Friendship is all you need. First of all you and your horse must be compatible and comfortable with each other. Having horse is not enough. For this you will have to be a pet lover. This is the way you can have your horse ears picked, bright eyes and working well with you while you are thinking of horse riding. It is also necessary that your horse feel safe and comfort when you ride, stays calm in other animals and is bombproof.”

I love how they emphasize the pricked ears…. and then just kind of gloss over the rest, and throw “Have a horse who is bombproof” in there. Well, yeah, I guess that would help, wouldn’t it? And wait… where did this bombproof horse come from? Weren’t we dealing with an aggressive horse, just last paragraph? Does anyone else feel like someone skipped a few pertinent steps somewhere?

Moving on.“Be comfortable: Avoid wearing jeans or tight clothes while you are on riding because you can slip from the horse back.”

Well, duh. I mean, everyone knows that you wear loose yoga pants while riding, right? I have to admit, this bit of advice was kind of helpful. To think, the only thing that stands between me and Olympic rider status is the fact that I have been wearing jeans while riding.

“Squeeze your thighs to start riding and your horse will move on. You can scoot in the saddle to tell your horse that you want to move now.”

I’m getting a great mental image of someone “scooting in saddle” to try to urge a balky horse forward. I don’t know about you, but I’d pay good money to see that.

“Just know about leg or rein guide of your horse and have some practice with it to know whether your horse can follow leg commands or slow or turn with the rein.”

I can’t decide if this is the most down-to-earth or the least helpful advice I’ve ever read.

“Stop riding is not a hard task. Just pull on the rein to stop the horse. Pat the horse on neck and shows your happy feeling after it stops.”

I find it’s kind of helpful to break out into song after “pull on rein” to stop my horse. It helps me display “happy feeling” a little better.

And last but not least:

“Remember, your relationship with horse is most important to enjoy successful riding on it. You must trust it to make it obey you.”

It’s kind of like pixie dust, but with horses… just think trustful thoughts, and you and your horse are just seconds away from being the next Stacy Westfall!

I’d send you guys the link, but this is probably one of those sites that fills your computer with adware and viruses, just for clicking on it.

In other news……

Did you all see what Mugs mentioned in the comments of today’s post? A Mugwump Bloggers Clinic with her and The Big K, some time in 2013? In Montana?! A whole weekend spent learning how to scoot in the saddle and helping me to display my happy feeling to my horse…all of this, packed in with getting to meet other bloggers and hanging around in freakin’ MONTANA? (Yeah, sorry, I am kind of obsessed with Montana.) I don’t know about the rest of you, but I kind of want to start packing my best “non-tight, non-jeans” clothes into a suitcase right now.

Dear Oregon/Washington peeps: Hi. I don’t know you guys that well yet… and I don’t even have a horse yet…. in fact, I don’t even live there yet. That said… who wants to buddy up and trailer together? Anybody?

8 thoughts on “Worst. Advice. Ever”

I am already hatching a plan to convince my husband that it is very necessary for me to haul my horse to Montana for this clinic. Now I just need to figure out how to buy a truck and trailer. Hmmmm….maybe I can pimp my husband out on the weekends…..

Just tell me which PNER ride you want to do first. 🙂 Blue can’t seem to talk about anything else lately. He keeps asking when you’re getting here. I’m all like: Hey, let’s lope a circle to the left. And he’s all: Not until Becky gets here, sucka.