Trader Joe’s isn’t like other grocery chains. Aside from having a great selection of healthy(ish) food and nice wines, it’s typically a pretty small store, so shopping there tends to be an intimate experience. Picking up kitchen staples means frequently brushing arms with fellow shoppers, and accidentally listening to their conversations. Of course, by “accidentally” we mean “intentionally” and by “conversation” we mean “couples’ passive-aggressive bickering.”

Sure, sometimes a conversation is just a conversation, but we’ve found that if you really focus on tone, body language and clenched teeth, you can read the hidden meaning in the seemingly casual Trader Joe’s chitchat between couples. Like Jane Goodall in the jungle, we’ve spent some time in the aisles, observing and interpreting the exchanges between human partners. Below is what we heard — and their actual meanings.

So if you’re single and seeing couples grocery shop together bums you out, now you can relish your singledom. Or if you’re actually one of those couples, know that we’re eavesdropping on you.

Overheard at Trader Joe’s

“I’m pretty sure we’re out of dish soap, right?”You would know that if you ever did the dishes.

“Should we try the light beer?”I don’t know how to tell you that you’ve gained weight and that I’m not attracted to your belly.

“If you want arugula go ahead and get it.”I hate you and arugula.

“Actually, I think we already finished the Puffins.”When you were at work I got stoned and ate all the cereal.

“I heard it’s not good for guys to eat a lot of soy.”I’m afraid of you developing man-boobs.

“They have such good prices on liquor here.”I love you more when I’m drunk.

“What exactly does coconut water do?”Why are you spending $4 on a cardboard bottle of that crap?

“Do we need to get anything for your sister’s visit?”Why isn’t your sister staying at a hotel? She’s high maintenance and I do not enjoy her company.

“I don’t think you have to buy organic fruit if it has a thick peel.”I’m sick of spending so much money on your produce phobias.

“Is this brand of chocolate environmentally ethical?”The only way for me to justify gorging on chocolate is if some of the proceeds go to endangered spider monkeys.

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