I want to adopt and my husband doesn't

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Hello moms! My husband and I have two children. His son from a previous marriage is 15 - he's a great kid, but doesn't feel like mine as he only lives with us half time and he was almost 10 when I came on to the scene. Plus we both disagree with the way his mother raises him so there's always the external influence that makes things difficult. Our son together is almost 4. We tried for 3 years to have another child after our son was born, but I have PCOS and it just never worked out. I have tried to be okay with having just one, and I do see some advantages from a personal standpoint. Truth be told, I don't want to go through the baby-toddler stage again. But I really feel like our family is incomplete and both of us agree that we want our young son to have a sibling close to his age. So, I've been thinking it would be great to adopt a child that's 3 or 4 years old, but my husband is totally against it. His can't seem to express his reasoning - "I just don't want to," he says. But he did want to have another of our own, so it's not about the number of kids, it's about adoption. I can guess that maybe he feels like he wouldn't love someone else's child as much, and I've alluded to that hoping he would feel comfortable enough to say so to me, but he hasn't.

I guess I would like to hear if anyone has had a similar experience or has advice on how to adjust to adoption. I feel like the only way to move forward is to do some research and present him with some ideas about what it would be like. Hopefully his concerns will come out so that we can at least deal with it. I feel like without a real reason, I can't let this go, and *hopefully*, he would change his mind.

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View replies by

Becky - posted on 06/02/2010

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Just keep it out there for him. Adopting has always been a dream of mine.. Before I met my husband I said I would never have any children of my own because there are so many children that need a caring, loving home. My husband knew that I wanted to adopt but he was never for it. He just couldn't see him loving a child that was not his. We now have two kids together but I have always mentioned that fact that I still want to and he would just shrug his shoulders and say no. I don't know what changed his mind. It could be all the research I have showed him and my heart desire to do so but he is now on board with it. He told me he now knows all the love he has and cannot wait to share it with not 1 but a couple of kids that need the kind of loving family we have. Keep doing the research and don't give up hopefully he will change his mind like mine did.

Well if you are not both into it then it would not be a good idea. I was very resistant to our second adoption. But my husband prayed a lot and eventually my heart changed.

Have you read the book The Weavers Craft Toddler Adoption?

And well All I can say is my heart was changed not because he nagged me, or got more information (he did neither) but because it just changed. He was very patient with me.

We did win the adoption lottery with our 5 year old from China, good attachment, very loving, happy to have a family at last. But remember most older adoptions at that age are a far cry from our experience.

I love your heart, maybe the child you are supposed to build your family with, isn't ready yet and he/she needs to be a bit older before he can come home.