Ever lost your cell phone? Then you understand the crippling panic, self-doubt and anger that I feel right now. In this big city, my phone could actually be anywhere, and while I know its all my own fault, I can’t help but bitch about it.

FML.

Here is what the process of grieving looked like yesterday:

The 10 Stages of Losing Your Phone

1. Drunk discovery – Stumbling into the house, you realize you don’t have your phone.

2. Reluctant, Sleepy Acceptance — well, its too late to do anything tonight, and you’re really tired, so maybe everything will be OK in the morning?

News flash: I did NOT fight with either of my exes this weekend, nor did they fight with each other. While my body is angry at me today, I’d say it was a successful weekend overall!

After this marathon of a reunion weekend, I thought I would share a few of my tips for hosting large groups of people at your house. I’ve done this at least 5 times since I moved into my apartment, and I think I’ve gotten pretty good at it! So in case you have people moving in temporarily, here’s Jill’s Tips for Weekend Guests

Pre-Weekend Prep

Buy toilet paper. Lots of toilet paper – as Belle has described, I have previously ran out of toilet paper during a house party weekend. We had to use paper towels, and it was very chafing. Don’t make this mistake! I recommend something soft, it makes guests feel luxurious

Clean all towels and sheets – people will be sleeping EVERYWHERE, so the more sheets/blankets/pillows you have, the better. Its also a pain to travel with a towel, so I make sure all mine are clean for guests to use.

Clean ALL your glasses – even things that aren’t usually used for drinking, such as mugs or baking ramekins. Otherwise, prepare to use a LOT of plastic cups.

During the weekend

Do Spot Cleaning – Take half an hour after each party/day drinking event to throw away empties and put things in the dishwasher. This will make things much less daunting when you are so hung over and tired Sunday night that you can barely see straight. It also makes the place look marginally nicer.

Light Candles – put a candle in the bathroom! Something strongly scented. It makes everyone more comfortable and prevents unfortunate smells from leaking into the hallway. Just remember to blow it out before you leave! I usually put a post-it on the door to remind myself of this one.

Here’s what NOT TO Do

DON’T plan out everything extensively beforehand. Your friends will often just want to hang out, nap, and relax. Ask specifically if there is anything they REALLY want to do for the weekend, but otherwise, let things happen on their own.

DON’T buy all the booze yourself. Make other people bring it as well, or you will be broke before you know it.

DON’T Stress. Its going to be a fun, memorable (hopefully) weekend for you and your friends. Enjoy being together, enjoy being young, and have fun.

Wishing you many fun weekends to come. Now go party like like its the early 2000s

But I have to be honest with myself about something that really, and I mean really, needs to stop.

Drunk Texting.

Ever since I moved to DC, my drunken fingers have become miniature devils attempting to sabotage every floozy suave move I make towards men. This, I know, is not an unusual problem for women. We’ve all been there – it’s just that I happen to be there every time my alcohol intake exceeds 2 rum and cokes and a Heineken.

Drunk texts are occasionally funny, and sometimes even successful. But other times they just leave you feeling like the biggest A-hole in Admo. I have successfully(?) ended romantic interests due to the sheer embarrassment of my drunken texts. And that, dear readers, is why it needs to end.

I shall not sacrifice anymore future endeavors to the fate of my idiotic 1am sonets about meeting up in metro center, or calling one poor soul 8 times and then texting him asking why he hasn’t picked up his phone yet.

What’s a girl to do? The obvious answer is to stop the excessive drinking… but we all know that isn’t gonna happen.

I really have tried to come up with some solutions…

Attempt: Turn the phone off…Result: Massive fail. Since I just turn it back on after the first margarita.

Attempt: Change all the names of the fellas I like to bother to different emoticons in my phone so I don’t know who I’m really talking to.Result: Initially, this was a brilliant idea! Until one of the dudes texted me first… I awoke the next morning to a conversation between myself and *Sad face, Finger nail polish, beer glass, police officer, flower, flower, dog* where I was convinced he was a guy who lived in NoMa- when in fact he lives in Shaw – and I spent 40 minutes trying to convince him otherwise. #oops Needless to say, I haven’t heard from him since…

Attempt: Assign a DT (Designated Texter)Result: I was separated from my group and spent the next 45 minutes in a corner two bars down from the rest of my friends… because I had no way of communicating my location. Anytime I get lost, I get emotional. Emotional drunk? Not pretty…

I’m out of ideas, dear readers. And I’ve decided there’s only one more option… besides self control. Which obviously isn’t a real thing in your 20’s…

I need to download an anti-drunk texting app! But I definitely need your help choosing one. If anyone has ever had success with the following apps, please share in your comments below!