Adam’s Year in Review 2017

2017 sure was a dumpster fire, huh? It’s hard to put the words “best” and “2017” in the same sentence, so let’s just say this is a list of things that distracted me from the systematic and intentional dismantling of our democracy, institutions, and basic human decency.

FILM

Top 10 Films
1. Dunkirk
2. Thor: Ragnarok
3. It
4. Get Out
5. The Lego Batman Movie
6. Spider-Man: Homecoming
7. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
8. Logan, but didn’t this come out like three years ago?
9. My Little Pony: The Movie – shout-out to my bronies, Bryan and CreatureofWar!

Top 3 Overrated Films:

1. Wonder Woman
Let’s face it, people just wanted a good DC film for once and were willing to love anything halfway decent. And it was good… for DC. But it wasn’t great. Gal Gadot was great and I liked the WWI setting. But if you had to ask me who the villain was and what the story was and why they spent a lot of time in a trench, I couldn’t tell you. And for all the studio’s marketing it as a film about woman empowerment, why was it still a love story? For fuck’s sake, it was love for Chris Pine that somehow won the day. Seriously, what the fuck?

2. The Big Sick
I liked it, but it wasn’t the Muslim immigrant version of Trainwreck I had hoped it would be. Kumail Nanjiani’s signature smugness, often self-deprecating and adorkable, teeters over the edge of irritating here, and I didn’t dig his eye-rolling relationship with Zoe Kazan. I know it’s based on his real relationship, and I’m sorry to shit on it. But guys – you’re an annoying couple. Holly Hunter and Ray Romano were particularly good, though.

3. Baby Driver
I love Edgar Wright. And I love the idea of synchronizing deep-cut tunes – those to please your most discerning audiophile – with cool car chase/getaway scenes. But the story was terribly cookie cutter, the chase scenes weren’t THAT inventive, and the noir-ish love story was unbearably two-dimensional and shallow. Critics loved the retro; I found it unoriginal.

Top Crap:
Here is a list of movies that were complete garbage, and what their producers could have purchased with their production budget:

The Great Wall
Synopsis: Matt Damon exercises his white privilege by saving all of China.
Budget: $150 million

What that could have been used toward: At $170 each, you could purchase a “gardeners gift basket” through Heifer International for 882,352 families in Malawi to support their sustainable agriculture to help end hunger and poverty.

Ghost in the Shell
Synopsis: Scarlett Johansson in a naked cat suit. She’s either a robot or she’s finally given up on trying to act.
Budget: $110 million

What that could have been used toward: At $250 per surgery, the producers of Ghost in the Shell could have instead provided surgery for each and every single one of the 170,000 children born in the developing world annually with a cleft lip or palate… for three years!

What that could have been used toward: At $300 an eye, $217 million could have gone toward 362,000 botched lasik surgeries to help prevent lovers of film, art, and all that is good from ever seeing another Transformers movie.

Note: I didn’t see any other movies this year, except a few minutes of craptastic John Wick 2 on a plane. Blade Runner looked pretty dope though!

MUSIC

1. Polysics – “That’s Fantastic!”
2. The Selecter – “Frontline”
3. Kendrick Lamar – “Damn”
4. I can’t think of anything else. This wasn’t a good year for music. What happened to all the good punk rock we were promised after the election??