Tuesday, September 19, 2006

It isn't easy to do work that won't benefit you. Truth be told, I probably won't ever regain the money I spent on this course through the work I plan to do with it. Coupled with the fact that I've picked up bad studying habits (ie lack of studying) from my last course which I hated, and the fact that I have little personal ambition material-wise, I'm having to put a lot of effort just to keep up to date with regular studying. Yeah I'm making excuses for myself. But I'm still going to do it at the end of the day. Just trying to make sense of why I'm having a hard time. Then again, are Masters ever easy?

So, why am I putting myself through this?

In a way, it's filling a gap. Some of you may know that priorto accepting myself as I am now I used to be a staunch Christian. Thing about that is, my life had a very strong sense of purpose until quite recently. There's a big gaping hole left behind from where used to be the religion that was the central focus on my life, to be prioritized above ALL else. I kid you not. Much of the training I received from the church, Christian camps, leadership camps, youth groups, counselling, was to dedicate your life to Jesus and put him in the "driver's seat" as far as possible, and mantaining the illusion of a 'relationship with God' instead of a religion.

This sort of work gives me some sense of purpose, some way of finding some sense of respect for myself after all the mistakes I've made. It has been hard on me, yes. After teaching for some time, continuing my studies in the field is the 'practical' next step to take, since I *can*. Where else can I go?

It goes without saying I was never prepared for making these kind of sacrifices. Not blaming you, mum. You know I love you. (If you're reading this my dear brother, please don't direct her to my website, thank you)

But then again, who is ready? I'm not the only one working in this sort of field. I know of this from very influencial special education teacher from an non-profit organisation in Penang, who's trained new teachers in the skills she's learnt over the years for no benefit to herself. In the end, someone hired these teacers to form a *profit* organisation and took them away from her non-profit work that benefits the poor. She must have been devastated, but the point is, she continues her work. She still gives herself freely to her work, not profiting herself, even though others may stand to gain from it. It may be partly because she's been doing it for so long and it's all she has, but she isn't backing down either. Did I mention most people in this line in Malaysia are married to their job? (i.e. single)

I envy that sort of strength and dedication. The only way to overcome weakness is to become stronger. I'm tired of being helpless and dependant. I need to be strong enough for other people to rely on *continually*. That's part of the dream. It's ... pretty far away now. Shit, nearly cried as I typed that.

Here's an interesting meme, that's just a wee bit scary. Remember the boggart from the Harry Potter series? It's a creature that changes to the form of you worst fear. The only cure for it is laughter, using the spell 'Riddikulus' to will the creature to take a more amusing form that will make you laugh.

It's a *great* character developement device, story-wise. A bit too convenient for many purposes (training against your worst fear, yadda yadda), but nevermind about that.

Imagine you're a student in Harry Potter's class, and Lupin the defense against dark arts teacher has just explained and demonstarted how to defeat a boggart. Your turn is coming up, what will the boggart turn into and what 'more amusing' form will you make it take via the 'Riddikulus' spell?

The format for ths meme is:

(Your reaction) when the boggart assumes the form of (worst fear).

(optional description of action) I cast the incantation, RIDDIKULUS!

(what happens to the boggart.)

(your reaction along with the rest of the class)

Explaining *what* the thing is that the boggart has turned into is optional, for the sake of privacy. Just remember, it should be something you really fear. A nuclear holocaust doesn't count unless you've actually been worrying about one happening anytime soon!

I'll start first.

--------

My face contorts into a mix of fear and anger when the boggart assumes the form of a young, somewhat good looking man whose age is difficult to determine. He's not wearing anything.

Very quickly, I whip out my wand andI cast the incantation, RIDDIKULUS!

Nothing seems to happen at first, but when the man's face grimaces in alarm I know my spell has worked. He turns slowly, to reveal a boot stuck halfway up his behind.

Initially, the class gasps (who was this naked guy anyway?), but eventually start to giggle. Giggling gives way to laughter, and soon the whole class is roaring with laughter at the sight. Lupin cocks one eyebrow, amused but not exactly approving. I smile, extremely satisfied. Sure it's not laughter and not going to dispell the Boggart, but do I want to at this point?

Friday, September 08, 2006

I don't get it. Most of my waking hours are dedicated to studying or rests between studying, with some games on the side. How on earth is one supposed to only have to spend 8-12 hours per week for each subject, as suggested? (3 subjects) LIES!

Why am I behind? There's some tests on Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm practically speed reading through everything to keep on target instead of reading slowly through to absorb everything. Is everyone on the course having this much trouble? I'm not even working, while most of them are. What is wrong with me? I'm not an idiot. Maybe a slow reader, but it shouldn't be *this* bad. Am I being to soft on myself after so many years of poor level studying?

It's a Friday night. People outside are out socialising, having fun, being with friends. I have *zero* social life right now. I just don't have the time.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

I know I should be studying, but I happened upon the works of Sue Deer, a webcomic artist who helps the Gneech (author/artist of Suburban Jungle) with his project Nevernever. To my surprise, the comic representation of herself in her comic is out dating someone new. What happened to her husband? I flipped back.

In short, if you couldn’t be bothered to read that, a couple is now divorced. Horrible? Yes, definitely. Tragic? Absolutely. Why? The issue revolves around that they can’t have children. They finally give up on the idea of having children due to health and monetary concerns. With kids no longer being the focus, the wife becomes more independent and social. The husband feels he isn’t needed and withdraws emotionally. The wife feels like a trophy because in public he’s clingy, but at home he’s like a room mate. The husband feels like an outcast around his friends, family and co-workers because they have children. He feels all he does is work and pay bills. As fate would have it, the husband’s ex-girlfriend gets divorced and is with a kid who is basically now fatherless. Guess what happens next?

All because they can’t have children.

I started off feeling really sorry about that. I still am. But somehow, the more I thought about it, the more trivial it seemed. Am I being cruel? Thoughtless? Uncaring? Shit to that.

Whatever relationship I’m going into in the future, from the get go I’m having childlessness looming over my head. And I started with the same dreams and presumptions that I can have a normal family life with my own kids as anyone else, thank you.

So, what happens to me and whoever I’m with after the euphoria of romance dies down? When we’re both aging and the hormones that feed our sexual appetite tapers off? Do we get demoted from ‘lovers’ to ‘room mates’? Hell, with our peers being gay as well I can just imagine the amount of jealousy flying around when either side just wants to hang out and socialize. (That doesn’t mean we don’t love each other, mind.) Don’t forget the fact that we’re likely financially independent from each other anyway. Oh, and we were never married in the *first* place. How could I forget that.