Rachel: Well, the Tyler/Kalyn drama fizzled out faster than a homemade firework in a rainstorm. But thankfully we have the war of attrition between Pam and Leslie to keep us entertained. They won’t stop until one of them wears the other down to the point of submission. The reality is that they’re going to wear us all down long before either of them cries uncle. I haven’t yet chosen a side as they both drive me crazy with their insane behavior but, if I had to pick a t-shirt, I’d probably go Team Pam. She’s nasty and a total snob, but that trumps Leslies’ crazy; at least in my book. And if the previews are right, Whitney has finally thrown the last straw on her mother’s back and gets her comeuppance. Fingers crossed! I know you can do it, Bonnie!

Melissa: Tummy’s not so much feeling good tonight friends. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this episode without a little sustenance, but the belly won’t have it, and I cannot bear to wait until I’m feeling better. How I suffer for my craft…

BFFs Forever

Thelma minus a Louise.

Rachel’s What Happened: Hannah and Whitney go bar hopping, and lucky, underage Hannah gets to be designated driver. Ah, the joys of Texas bar laws. You can hang out in a bar if you’re under 21. You just can’t drink. And I see Hannah has fallen victim to the ombre hair fad going on. Why girls? Why? It just looks like you used cheap dye and it’s fading in an upward motion. Anyway, Jason took Whitney’s car away for smoking in it, so she took his to spite him. She decided that since it was Jason laying down the law and not her mom, she didn’t have to pay any attention to it. Seriously, this child needs a good hard kick in the ass. A steel-toe-in-the-crack kick in the ass.

Melissa: Poor Hannah. Since she’s underage, she has to schlep Whitney around… OH, now I get the friendship!! And in Jason/Gutter’s car. I’m sorry, but since I unleashed that comparison, I’m going to use it liberally. So she’s going to take his car because he took hers (which I’m sure he’s footing the bill for). OK, seriously I think I was more mature at 12 than she is at 24.

Semantics

Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth?

Rachel’s What Happened: And not only did Whitney take Jason’s car, she didn’t bother to come home with it. Sweet kid. And here is Bonnie still defending her. She says that Jason only took her car away and not the other cars, so technically she didn’t do anything wrong. OMG, bring that steel toed boot over here because Bonnie could use a swift one in the derriere as well. I love that Jason says that Bonnie is literally insane. Yep. Roger that. Jason wants her to deal with it because she’s the one that allows Whitney’s behavior. I love that Bonnie looks incredulous at that. For a smart woman, she is so dumb sometimes. But she says she will do something about Whitney because she can’t be stuck in between the two of them anymore. And in news of other smart ideas, seems Bonnie is going to another plastic surgeon because she doesn’t want to wait for her nose job like Dr. A said she should. Sounds like a great idea.

Melissa: I don’t understand why Jason and Bonnie put up with this shit. Really, were I Jason, I would have called the car in stolen, had the GPS find it & tow it. I’m sorry. And why is Bonnie Obsessed with a nose job? If the doctor tells you it’s a good idea to wait, maybe you want to listen… it’s a crazy idea.

Not In My House

Please go home so my mother stops yelling at me.

Rachel’s What Happened: I love that Pam is lecturing Hannah about bad behavior when she is the one that was actually sober & responsible last night. I’m assuming mostly because TV cameras & fake IDs don’t mix. Regardless, I’m not sure why she’s getting an earful about behavior when it’s her darling friend that’s passed out upstairs that needs the talking to. Whitney finally wakes up and she’s got a slammin’ hangover that I can only hope gets magnified by the ass whooping she’s in for at home.

Melissa: I love how Pam doesn’t question Hannah’s friendship with Whitney, and just sort of laughs off the bender Whitney went on last night.

It Ain’t Easy Being Green

No seriously, Pam’s neck would fit so perfectly in my hands.

Rachel’s What Happened: Leslie brings Connie some information on how to do a “green” build-out for her store and reminds us of her environmentally friendly lifestyle. Um, what about her condo is eco-friendly? I looked it up online and there is nothing about it being a green building. Is it just that it doesn’t use as much electricity as a mansion? Regardless, Leslie, we’re not buying your story. I mean I’m all for the Prius (as I drive one myself), but methinks that being green is not the real reason you turned in the corvette. But let’s not waste too much time talking about global warming when we have Pam to dish on. Seems Leslie looked up sociopath online and Pam fits the criteria. Well, if that’s the case, maybe you should stop pushing her buttons before she shanks you in the middle of a Fashionista event. Speaking of which, Leeanne told Leslie she should throw one of her own events if she wants to be on the board, so she’s going to feature a mother-daughter team called Bling Is The New Black. That’s right. They bedazzle things. Because nothing says “fashion forward” like bedazzling. Connie says she had better make sure it’s not cheesy. Good luck with that.

Melissa: Leslie is spreading her green lifestyle… OK girl, Connie seems less than enthused about your ideas for the shop. No, Leslie didn’t just say she looked up sociopath online. Really, is that something you actually admit to? Wait, wait, wait… she’s taking bedazzlers to the Fashionistas? Oh no… Really, this is just getting too good!! The Fashionistas are going bling. Yeah, I’m thinking no.

Get To Stepping

I can’t hear you if I’m sleeping.

Rachel’s What Happened: Bonnie & Jason get home and want to know where Whitney’s been and why she didn’t answer her phone. Like any classy lady, Whitney says it’s because she got wasted. Oh well, there you have it. Bonnie isn’t cool with that answer and says if Whitney’s going to live in her house, she’s going live by her rules. Whitney says her rules are stupid. With that, Jason’s had enough and says she’s being disrespectful. Whitney is only disrespectful because they treat her like she’s 16. No, they treat her like she’s 16 because that’s how she behaves. Lord, really? Bonnie, who seems to have gotten a backbone implant at the plastic surgeon, says she wants Whitney out by the end of the month. She’s done. Whitney responds with her signature flipping of the bird. I seriously want to throttle this child. Dear Reality Gods, please please please don’t let Bonnie waiver on this. My gut says she’ll fold like a cheap lawn chair by the end of the show, but I’m begging here. Begging. In the meantime, Whitney is packing her bags and going to California to stay with Hannah. Yeah, that is a wise financial move. Move to one of the most expensive cities in the country with no job. Genius!

Melissa: Um Whitney, honey, if your argument is going to be “I’m 24”, then you’re really going to need to act it. A solution isn’t running off to Cali to hang with your 18-year-old friend at school.

Now This Is Bling

I’m wearing a tiara. There’s nothing you can say to upset me.

Rachel’s What Happened: Time for the Royal Asscher Fashionista Diamond Event. See, now that’s an appropriate show of bling. Sensing she’s about to lose her membership, Connie apologizes to Heidi for the blow-up with Pam at her house. Um, how about apologizing for the crap you actually said to Heidi? Heidi says she’s surprised by the level of bitchiness between them all. We all are, Heidi. We all are. Connie says that Pam just gets under her skin and she lost her cool in the heat of the moment. Heidi is good with the apology, and has noticed that Pam has her moments as well. Yes, she certainly does.

Melissa: Wait, Heidi, you’re surprised about the level of bitchiness? Have you not watched the show? I totally want that tiara, btw.

Swimmin Pools, Movie Stars

LA – The land of permanent vacation… and smog.

Rachel’s What Happened: Whitney and Hannah are hanging out in LA and Whitney has no idea what’s going on with her mom. She always has her back, and that’s why Jason gets pissed. But she’s never seen her mom act the way she did and is glad she kicked her out. She says that Bonnie has no idea that she’s in LA and she wants to keep it that way. So, your mom kicks you out, you leave and she has no idea where you went? My mother would have had an APB out on me within 24 hours of radio silence regardless of my age. Then again, my mother panics if I don’t answer my phone. Anyway, Hannah wants Whitney to move to LA – the land of permanent vacation and no parents. Yeah, I lived there for 15 years. While I can vouch for the no parents, you lost me at permanent vacation? Well, I guess that’s true if your idea of a permanent vacation means sitting in the worst traffic you can imagine and paying obscene amounts of money for rent. Then yeah, it’s a holiday and a half. (Though I do love LA on the whole.)

Bedazzle This

Hey, don’t front. I happen to like a bedazzle.

Rachel’s What Happened: Leslie approaches Heidi & Leeanne about her bedazzling event idea. Oh the looks on their faces when the word “bedazzle” comes out of her mouth! Yeah, that said it all. It was even more priceless with Heidi sitting there in a diamond tiara. Love that. Pam, also witness to the announcement, can’t believe Leslie would be dumb enough to bring that idea up. She asks Leslie if this is part of her pageant s**t. Leslie says no it’s all upscale. Heidi likes that it’s upscale and that it would be supporting a local Dallas business. Pam openly calls bulls**t on the whole thing. Leslie says Lady GaGa has hired them & she doesn’t think it’s bulls**t. Well, say what you want about GaGa but it’s a nice trump card to lay on Pam. Heidi is not deterred by Pam’s protests and says that Leslie should email her a preview of the bedazzled ware. She’ll make a decision then. Pam is so clearly pissed that Leslie is moving in on her territory that she again tells Heidi that Leslie is full of malarkey. Well, she didn’t use the word “malarkey”. I did. It’s a good word and I was tired of typing s**t.

Melissa: Um, I can’t believe you really just pitched a bedazzle party – even if they are local. Again, I’m just loving that tiara. I think I need to go get mine for the rest of the show. You all laugh, but I have 2… Granted, one is a Disney Princess light up tiara, but I rock it.

Holy Hoochie

Nothing says “Fashionista” like a bedazzled bra.

Rachel’s What Happened: Leslie invites Leeanne to the country club so she can get pointers on how to make her event Fashionista-worthy. Leslie pulls out some images of what the Bling ladies have done and, to say the least, they aren’t the most tasteful selections; blinged-out booty shorts and a bra. She gets a bit of a warmer reception from Leeanne with the photo of a blinged-out iPad cover and custom guitar. Leeanne likes the idea overall (really?) and would like to co-chair the party with Leslie (again, really?). The Fashionistas are huge “blingers”, you know. I don’t know. Well, I guess it is Texas. So, in the immortal words of Leslie Birkland, “Bling it on!”

Melissa: Is Leeanne working on becoming a new BRT lady? She’s all over the place lately. OK, moment of mockery. I know I’m not a Fashionista – and I have actually threatened to bedazzle the shit out of my team at work – but there is a line… Really folks, there actually are a few lines I just can’t bring myself to cross.

The Waters Don’t Run Deep

OMG, how are we friends?

Rachel’s What Happened: Whitney and Hannah pull up to the Crescent Hotel in Beverly Hills with a super that says Santa Monica, CA. Good job, editors. Anywho, Whitney says she’s all-in for life in La La Land. Hannah is stoked but says Whitney has to seriously look for a job and apply to school. A job shouldn’t be a problem since they’re in the mecca of plastic surgery… True dat. Whitney, hearing all this great advice, comes to the conclusion that she should get a boob job and Hannah should take care of her while she heals. Sweet Mary on a motorcycle! That’s what you got out of that conversation? This girl is giving me a migraine.

Melissa: Really, when faced with being kicked out and moving to LA, Whitney’s first thought isn’t finding a job… it’s boobs?

Beat This

See, you bedazzle a sweatshirt and it makes it high-end.

Rachel’s What Happened: Oh, I totally almost forgot about Kalyn & Tyler. Connie stops by to give Leslie some clothes, while Tyler is at the table busy making beats. OK, I seriously just paused my TV and gave that “Are you kidding me?” look to an empty room. Because ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This kid is not making beats. LOLOL… Oh, that’s rich. I can only imagine what they sound like. I have a feeling Dr. Dre doesn’t need to be looking over his shoulder worried about Tyler’s beat-making. But let’s get back to the bling. Leslie has some samples to show Connie. First up, a non-Swarovski crystalized sweatshirt that Kalyn is modeling. Connie says no. That’s not what the Fashionistas are about. They are high-end. Yeah Leslie, champagne and hoodies don’t mix. Leslie says that’s not true because Leeanne agreed to co-host. Well, clearly that’s not going to impress Connie since she doesn’t much care for Leeanne’s sense of style either. So, Connie suggests she ups the ante so she doesn’t embarrass herself. Ah, the support of good friends.

Melissa: Tyler makes beats… WTF does that even mean? I digress, Leslie’s still trying to get people in her corner and Connie isn’t biting. Maybe because she wouldn’t be caught dead bedazzled.

Pocket Person

You’d better not make her prettier than me. I’m the prettiest fake blonde in your office!

Rachel’s What Happened: Back on the left coast, Whitney has shown up at a plastic surgeon’s office, not to drop off a resume, but to talk about getting boobs. Riddle me this, Crazy Town, who exactly is paying for the new tatas? Hannah, baffled as well by the financials, asks the same question. Seems Miss Whitney is just gonna throw down mom’s credit card and let her pay it off. She kicked her out so that’s her punishment. Sigh… In the doctor’s office, she tells him that she wants porn star boobies. I’ve never seen a plastic surgeon actually have an uncomfortable moment discussing breast implants until now. Once he collects himself, he says he needs some info from her before he can discuss her options. She tells him she’s currently a D-cup and rings in at 4’11”. Um, D-cup boobs on a girl under 5′ tall probably already qualifies as porn star boobs. Just saying… And 4’11″… She’s a pocket person! He tells her that she wants the high-profile saline implants. As far as size goes, he is recommending a full D. She says double D. He says she doesn’t want to go to a place where she’ll have problems later in life. Yes, way to look out for her well-being. I say he should be telling her to get a life instead, but… I seriously shake my head so often during this show that it’s a wonder I don’t have whiplash.

Melissa: OK, I’m sorry, Bonnie, if you read this, but you need to cut off your daughter. For real. That girl has no respect at all. She’s a 32D and wants bigger boobs? At 5’ & 100 pounds, she’s going to have Bonnie shell out I don’t know how much so she can go fro a D to a “full” D? Are you kidding me, Whitney? I’m about done with you.

More More More…

Now now, just relax, and remember, there is no Whitney.

Rachel’s What Happened: Meanwhile, in another plastic surgeon’s office somewhere in Dallas, Bonnie is about to get her nose done. Oh, and she threw in a laser resurfacing treatment for good measure. I’m gonna venture a guess here and say that Bonnie has a slight addiction to plastic surgery. I know, quite a leap I just took. Bonnie’s worried about where Whitney is, but Jason says she shouldn’t be. She’s fine wherever she is and Bonnie needs to focus on her own well-being. Anyone else think Jason is doing a happy dance every morning he wakes up in a Whitney-free house?

Melissa: I love the level of denial Jason and Bonnie have about Whitney.

Dishing The Dish

Cheers to revenge!

Rachel’s What Happened: Pam & Melissa meet for some dinner and some dish. They both think all their friends have gone crazy and Leslie is the pied piper of the loony toon parade. They do get a good laugh out of the bedazzlers though. You know the owners of Bling Is The New Black are watching the episode and cringing every time someone calls them bedazzlers. We bling things, dammit! Anyway, Pam & Melissa want to bring Leslie down. Oh how the revenge plot thickens. Leslie is getting revenge on Pam who is getting revenge on Leslie. It’s getting all crazy up in here!

Melissa: I guess this will be the new dynamic duo on BRT – mostly because I think Pam has pissed off everyone else on the show. I don’t get why the two need to plot to undermine Leslie’s bedazzle party? It’s not like that won’t happen on it’s own.

Whoops

You don’t think I’m pretty, do you?

Rachel’s What Happened: Dear Lord what did they do to Bonnie’s face? She is home from her surgery and she looks like she was on the losing end of an acid fight. Her son and dog are both confused by what the hell happened to her face and the dog goes running for cover. Even in a haze of pain killers, Bonnie’s still worried about Whitney and wishes she was there. Jason says to just relax and he & Zakk will take care of her. That dude seriously couldn’t less want Whitney to come home. I’m thinking he might even have the locks changed while Bonnie spends the next week in a semi-conscious state.

Melissa: Holy Balls Bonnie, what the F did you do to yourself? Her poor son Zakk can’t even hide his disgust with his mother. For real, she’s scaring me. If that’s what lasers do, I want none of it and I’ll just go about aging gracefully.

Not On My Watch

Your credit cards or your friendship. Your choice.

Rachel’s What Happened: Seems Pam got wind of the fact that Whitney is staying with Hannah and confronts her about it during their weekly (well, weekly to us) Skype session. Hannah doesn’t understand why it’s a big deal to her mom if Whitney is there for a few weeks. Pam says it’s a big deal because she should be focusing on school and not spending time being drawn into Whitney’s drama ring. Point to Pam. She says she needs to ask her to leave. Hannah says no. Pam says she’ll turn her credit card off. Hannah says she’ll get a job. Um, and a new apartment because you’re not gonna be living in that sweet pad off of your part-time minimum wage job. Pam says her job is being a student & getting good grades. Another point to Pam. Hannah, however, is less moved and says she’s not kicking her friend to the curb. Really, Hannah? Because you know the second Bonnie gets a hold of that phone & tells Whitney to come home, she’s kicking your ass to the curb faster than you can say “Sorry, mom. Can I please have my credit cards back?” Whitney cuts in and says she’s going to leave. Hannah says no again & hangs up on Pam. However, the moment of proud rebellion wears off quickly and fear of life without credit sets in.

Melissa: Thankfully Pam is a voice of reason as to why Whitney can’t live there while Hannah needs to go to school. If my daughter (or son for that matter) hung up on me, oh, there would be hell to pay. If Mama is footing the bill, then Mama gets to call the shots.

It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over

I won’t be ignored, Jason. Yes, you will. Click.

Rachel’s What Happened: Pam, not done with the fight, calls Bonnie to tell her to get Whitney off her kid’s couch. Man, Jason didn’t even get to call the locksmith before the brat reared her ugly head. But he did make a rookie mistake by leaving Bonnie’s phone unattended. Pam wants to know what makes Bonnie think it’s OK for Whitney to move in with Hannah. She wants to know what she plans to do about it and what the hell is wrong with her because she sounds really weird. Bonnie says she’s on Vicodin giving Pam the opening to call her a drug addict. Way to negotiate a resolution, Pam. Jason walks in, catches her on the phone and realizes he’s made a bad chess move. He retrieves the phone and takes over the fight. Pam says it’s ridiculous that she’s having a nose job while her daughter is gallivanting all over the country and she has no idea where she is. Jason says Whitney’s an adult and they don’t need to know where she is every minute of the day. He’s not willing to give up the peaceful homestead so easily and tells Pam that Whitney living at Hannah’s is her problem. If Whitney’s living off of her dime, then she should deal with her daughter. And click. Jason hangs up on Pam, which you know must have sent her reeling. Jason takes this round.

Melissa: Yeah Pam, going to Bonnie & Jason will work. They are the reason Whitney is the way she is. Are you shocked they don’t even know where she is? OMG people, you are ridiculous.

Bling It On!

If we just ignore her, maybe the dress will go away.

Rachel’s What Happened: Oh, it’s time for the Bling It On Event! And WOW… Wow… wow… What is Leslie wearing? Is she auditioning for Stars on Ice after the show? That’s… it’s…. Wow. I mean that’s a monumentally bad choice of outfits. If that’s what Connie brought you, you should question her intentions. Outfit aside, Leslie meets a board member that says the event is amazing. Granted, he looks like he’s about 16 and just excited to be out of the house past 10pm, but kudos are kudos. Here comes Heidi who will be the deciding factor on whether or not this party is up to snuff. Leslie shows her the Fashionista t-shirt the owners of Bling Is The New Black made, which Heidi thinks is great and could be sold online. (OK, it’s actually super cute.) One thumbs up… Leslie then shows her another company at the event called Completely Bare (Isn’t that Cindy from RHONY’s company?) and they will bling your body. Heidi loves that too. Two thumbs up! Ding ding, we have a winner! I wonder if Heidi knows they’re supposed to be worn down, um, below… To that end, I wonder if Leslie knows. Well, I’ll let them discover vajazzling on their own…

Meanwhile, Connie apologizes to Pam for her behavior around the last event and a tentative peace is achieved. Pam has bigger fish to fry than insignificant Connie. Pam makes her way over to Heidi and wants to know what she thinks of the event. Heidi says she likes the merchandise but can’t get past what Leslie’s wearing. Thank you! Right there with you, sister. Though Heidi says she can’t diss people and say they can’t be on the board because she doesn’t like one dress. Pam would disagree with that. And does. She says Leslie’s a lunatic, a liar and a fraud. She may be right about Leslie, but standing behind her making faces and hand gestures while she welcomes everyone to the party doesn’t exactly land you on the “classy lady” scale either.

But Pam’s not the only one driving the blame train through this party. Melissa corners Leeanne and endears herself with talk of modeling. But just as quickly as she can, she turns the conversation to Leslie and how she sent her on bogus modeling jobs. Yes, that’s right, Leslie is a fraud in case you haven’t heard. Leeanne is shocked so Melissa calls Pam over to corroborate her story. Seeing as how the word fraud just came tumbling out of Miss Pam’s mouth not 60 seconds ago, I have a feeling she’ll get Melissa’s back on this one. Pam says Leanne got sucked in and that Leslie is just trying to infiltrate “her peeps”. Leslie walks over to the conversation while Leeanne defends Leslie and the event. In true Pam form, she can’t help herself once the floodgates have opened and tells Leeanne that she ought to get her facts straight before she starts defending someone she doesn’t know anything about. Uh, really? You’re going to start yet another fight at another party and this time with Leeanne? How many times does Heidi have to tell you that she doesn’t like drama with her champagne???? Poor Heidi spends half her time being house mother to these crazy sorority girls. She thanks Leslie and Leeanne for the event thwarting Pam’s revenge plot yet again. Poor Pam has to go home to try and come up with a new tactic.

Melissa: Really, I just can’t see the Fashionistas walking around in bedazzled t-shirts. Did Leslie bedazzle her dress too? I like that Connie went to Pam to apologize for the last event… Nice move. It cracks me up that everyone is so polite about what they think of all the pieces, but I have to question if anyone will in fact purchase anything. Oh my Melissa, way to trap Leeanne into this conversation. That’s really not the way to introduce yourself. And Pam, don’t start attacking Leeanne and kicking up another fight at a Fashionista event. You know Heidi is going to get in a twist over this. I don’t get how these women argue every other day and it’s always the same thing.

Fire Up The Jet

Heeerrrrre’s Pammy!

Rachel’s What Happened: Well, I guess Pam’s revenge plot has to wait another day because she hopped on her broom right after the Fashionistas’ event and flew to LA. Surprise, kiddies! Guess who’s getting kicked to the curb? That would be all 4’11” of Whitney.

Melissa: Oh my, how did Pam make it to LA so quickly? That is NOT the face I want to see on the other side of my door!! If I was Whitney, I’d be crapping my jeans right about now.

Bottom Line:

Rachel: Wait, we only get 10 weeks of these crazies? What’s up with that? Oh, BRT, we hardly knew ye.

Melissa: It’s the Finale already? I kind of started to like these ladies and their antics. It made me feel all warm and nostalgic for my High School days.

How this Heidi person actually wears a diamond tiarra with a straight face just slays me…is Texas another planet? It’s one step above a tupperware party she is attending and that calls for a diamond tiara…well then I guess I am going to have to get one for my trips to the grocery store.

Yes, Texas is another planet (and I lived there so I can say that), but we kinda love the tiara over here at the Winey Bitches. Heidi herself told us that that was a $25,000,000 tiara designed for the Royal Wedding. (Kate chose another one… How fabulous to have those choices.) You’ll have to forgive us our obsession with the real bling. Leslie’s bedazzled booty shorts, on the other hand, doesn’t really excite us. PS – You should wear a tiara to the grocery store! It’s worth it just for the laughs alone. 😉

Why You’re Here

We take the best parts of some bad tv, break ‘em down over a few glasses of vino (funny flows better when wine flows freely) and share them with you so you don’t have to waste hours of your life watching on your own. You're welcome.

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