First millennium female Olympics

You knew it was coming! The women’s Olympics! Oh, there’ll be men
in it; they’re not that crazy. But at the first Olympiad of the
millennium, in Sydney, Australia, there will be more women’s events,
more women in men’s events, and a larger portion of women getting
starring position in the press coverage. In short, complete affirmative
action for women at this year’s Olympic games.

Now, all public opinion polls for the movies demonstrate that there
is a far larger audience for male stars than for female stars, and for
male sports compared to female sports. Perhaps women have whatever
position they do have in sports because they are more lightly clad.

History takes some interesting twists and turns. In Ancient Greece,
women apprehended at the games, even as spectators, faced the death
penalty. Girls before the age of puberty, however, were compelled to
compete completely nude. So: naked, pre-puberty girls in the morning
and death for any adult young women discovered in the audience in the
afternoon. Don’t ask me to explain this.

Four completely new sports will be added to the female Olympic roster
this year: trampoline (like diving but with no pool to dive into); a
Judo-style kick-boxing (but no punching with the fists); the triathlon
(an endurance race, which, to my understanding, is run one third
swimming, one third bicycling and one third running); and synchronized
diving (just what it sounds like and they must hit the water in unison.
This event made Esther Williams a movie star).

Even more shocking, five more sports, considered quintessentially
masculine, will, as of 2000 A.D., be open to women: weight lifting;
hammer throw; pole vaulting, water polo — the modern pentathlon.
Seventeen-year-old Cheryl Haworth, at five feet and 300 pounds, is the
American medal favorite. She is in the super heavyweight class and is
proud of her 32-inch thighs — and that she can bench-press nearly 500
pounds.

But she will have to watch out for Agata Wrobel of Poland and Wang
Yanmei of China. Miss Wang, who lifted 356 pounds in competition this
year, is a world-record holder.

With gender affirmative action coming so much in style, I was
somewhat surprised to see no female sumo wrestling on the Olympic list.
A female sumo-wrestling match would be something to see, I can assure
you. They don’t even have it yet in Japan, so it would be our
opportunity to be a world leader. I don’t even know the Japanese
terminology for these moves but I’d be delighted to see Western ladies
doing the “clutch” and the “clean-and-jerk.”

Furthermore, I don’t know if Western ladies have any remaining
feelings of inferiority, but if they could build up their weight a
little and could learn how to do the “clean-and-jerk,” I’m sure those
apprehensions of inferiority would be gone forever.