Friday, December 22

This is hard. Things are hitting me one by one, relationships are shifting, some ending. I think I'm doing well, but then I look at myself from another view, and I fear I'm just hiding it all in the rush of excitement of what's about to come. I see the people around me changing, or staying the same, but my presense having no effect on it, no part in it. Do I still want to be a part in it? Or is it because I already made a conscious decision, that I hold no weight in any of it? I want this, I feel wholly that it's the right move...but there's a part that I feel hasn't hit me yet. I see so many around me getting what they've wanted, creating the life they've always felt should be theirs, and I'm in the process of doing the same...but the part of me that's scared keeps making my stomach turn, my heart weaken. The disappointments that have occurred over the past few days have tested my strength. The strength is profoundly present, I feel a difference between the me now and the me four years ago...but that same part of me is what wants what I wanted then. And I don't know why, but that's the part of me that is making me uneasy. Maybe because I feel it's the very same part of me that thinks I still won't get it. I'll still end up disappointed in the end. That since I failed at finding it here, I might fail at finding it there. So how do I silence that part of me? That negative part, that part that keeps having to resurface with each heartache, each dead end, each misread?

This has been a hard week. Today someone that I, at one time, thought would be the person I would spend my life with, closed the possibility of that ever happening. Flipped the switch. Told me what I had been waiting to hear for 3 years now, something that would finally allow me to stop. hoping. But it's happening right before I leave. 3 weeks before I leave. So which is it? Is it because I'm leaving, or because it's the truth?

I think it's the ease at which I'm taking this all that's throwing me off. I haven't broken down since he told me he didn't think he'd ever leave her. Why haven't I broken down? Am I stronger? Or has it just not hit me? And if that's the case, when will it hit?

3 weeks feels like 3 decades. This week has felt like a month. These years, have felt like a lifetime.

I just hope I'm ready for the next. I think I am. I just need to make it there.

I'm tired of being second; I'm tired of being disappointed again and again. I can't do this anymore. I'm ready to stop feeling like this day after day. There's only so much I can handle, and I'm at my breaking point. I'm just done.

Friday, December 15

When I claim sickness simply to have a day off, the next day that I go in, I'm told I don't look good. When I went to see my therapist after 2 weeks had passed and all these great things had happened, she tells me I look so happy. This was two days after the claimed sickness.

So which is it? Am I transparent, or do people just see what they want to see? And am I really happy, or just really good at faking it?

Tuesday, December 12

I’ve been struggling for years now, trying to find a direction to go, a path to take me to the happiness I know is out there. I'm starting to realize it’s not a struggle at all, just simply the time it is taking me to get to that place, and the fact that at some point, I believe I will get there. The sadness has overwhelmed me at times, buried me in self-doubt and unrecognizable pain. I let it take me over...yet, underneath it all, I kept the hope that it wouldn’t last. I’m still dealing with a lot of sadness, but right now I can’t see it as clearly. I’ve finally made decisions. I was the conscious part of the creation of a life I wanted. I cleared the path of brush and debris. I wanted happiness and I am seeking it out, and feel one hundred percent that it’s the correct path...even if I can’t prove it with a solid goal in mind. If I get there and can’t make it through another day and have to turn around and come back, I’ll still be happier because I followed the path I created. The power of self-creation is a beautiful and very real thing. We are blessed with that power, and so few of us use it. The coincidences and situations that keep arising all because I made this decision, could not be more amazing. They are almost boardering on eerie they are so strangely connected to this one choice. It's unbelievably amazing. It is proving every theory that we create our own destinty. For anyone who doubts that, I can now disagree completely. I am blown away.

A friend once told me in a letter that he admired the depth of my emotional self, my romanticism. He admired the ability that I have to be hurt, that it was a sign of the person I am, the person that truly believes that we can live uncompromised dreams and can still believe in the storybook endings we wanted when we were young. His words expressed something I had spent years trying to cover, it hadn’t been something recognized by others, shared by others. Even my parents doubted my unexplainable choices; my optimism in something I couldn’t prove would be a wise decision with anything but my intuition that it was right. Or even that it was wrong. My intuition has steered me in directions even I was surprised of, but I trusted…even at times I didn’t want to. Getting people to understand that it is only your gut feeling that you are following is not an easy goal to achieve, especially with people from our parent’s generation…they need stability and back up plans. I usually have neither, and seem to prefer it that way. Just the fact I want nothing less than that storybook ending, is enough for me.

He doesn’t realize this, but that letter was a huge part of my conscious turn around. To know that he had faith in me and believed in the way that I viewed my world, it created a spark in me. The foundation was there, but it certainly helped me start the climb out of the hole. It is still continuing, this climb..but I’ll risk the cliché and say I can see the light at the end.

R, I’m on my way to that place in life and within myself. I’ll miss you. I’ll miss all of you that have helped me get to this point. But don’t forget, even though I’m leaving here, where I’m going? It will have endless amount of wine. You should really take advantage of that. I can’t say it enough.