Mari de Armas, in theory.

Sinister kid

Yesterday, like many of you, I began my day by listening to the last episode of Serial’s first season, which re-examined the murder case that put Adnan Syed in prison for the 1999 murder of his ex-girlfriend, Hae Min Lee.

If you want in on this madness, click here and download the podcast. Yes, it’s a podcast, which means you listen to it with headphones or earbuds. Just don’t blare it for everyone to hear. That could very well be the motive behind someone losing their shit and murdering you in a Best Buy parking lot.

But, if you’re not going to bother listening to the series, keep reading and I’ll fill you in on the whole story. Please note that some facts may have been misconstrued in the making of this blog post. Also note that those alleged facts may not have really been facts in the first place because clearly someone is lying in this murder case.

A young woman, a senior at Woodlawn High School in Baltimore County, Maryland, disappeared and then was found buried in a shallow grave. It is possible that the woman found is not the same woman who went missing because, according to her ex-boyfriend, “All Asian women look alike.”

When the young woman in question disappeared, the majority of her friends thought she went to California. Quite possibly to pitch her movie idea to a young Seth Rogen and declare her unconditional love for him. She had a thing for potheads.

A month later her body was found by a streaker who noticed her hair sticking out of the ground. However, it is more likely that this “streaker” was really a werewolf who was out for a midday run and was lured to her grave by the scent of her body. After he transformed back into human form, he notified the police.

The autopsy determined that she had been strangled, but the investigators did not pursue DNA testing or any other forensic analysis. I believe this was because the detectives were informed that her murder was part of a top-secret CIA operation.

From the evidence I’ve seen, a CIA contractor from the future traveled to 1999 inside a phone booth that landed on the Best Buy parking lot. His mission was to use any means necessary to stop her from pitching this movie to Seth Rogen. Any. Means. Necessary.

To cover up the CIA’s botched enhanced movie pitch-blocking techniques, they enlist the help of Jay, a special agent with the alias of ‘Dennis Rodman,’ to frame the victim’s 17-year-old ex-boyfriend, Adnan Syed for the murder.

Jay and Adnan become fast friends and in just a few days Jay begins driving Adnan to and from school like a soccer mom and going through his phone like a jealous girlfriend. One afternoon, Jay told Adnan he had a surprise for him in the trunk of the car, from which Bill Cosby emerged with a cappuccino.

Not to be rude Adnan took a sip, because he is a really, really nice guy. But the last thing he remembers saying is, “Thanks Mr. Cosby,” again because he is really polite and really, really nice.

When Adnan came to, he found that had been convicted and sentenced to spend the rest of his life in prison.

Luckily, a brave and underpaid journalist from National Public Radio embarked on a year-long public relations campaign to exonerate Adnan. She spent all of This American Life’s pledge money to hire hackers that were centrally associated with North Korea to decipher diary entries, cell phone records and tower pings. But then had to recruit volunteer, student lawyers to actually appeal the case.

And that’s the story. The full story. Below you can find an image of the supporting materials I used to compile my theories. Of course, you can come up with your own version of what happened on that fateful January day in 1999 by simply suspending your belief in logic and allowing an unreasonable amount of doubt to seep in its place.

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