Max Scherzer has one blue eye and one brown eye. By now, most people know this. If you didn’t know it until now, (a) read an online newspaper sometime, ass-butt, and (b) you’re welcome. The condition which causes Scherzer’s coolest of outcomes is called heterochromia, and occurs when a single bag of skin is accidentally made to carry two separate people, each accounting for approximately one half the width of a standard-sized human being.

The most previously made statement is pure scientific bullshit, and so also is the premise for this entire exercise, which is:

Max Scherzer’s pitching performance is the exact result of a war for ascendancy being waged between his irises. Doing a pitcher’s work on a day of blue dominance, Scherzer is at his best; doing a pitcher’s work on a day of brown dominance, he is at his worst. Thus, each turn on the mound for our optically variegated hurler is subject to evaluation on a brown-to-blue scale of coloration. Such evaluation is what follows.

Note, firstly, the number of strikeouts (14) recorded during Thursday’s contest against the Pirates. Note, secondly, the number of walks (2) recorded during same. If you, reader, would not agree that such a performance is accurately described as electric, it is then assumed that you are universally recognized as a fun-sucking blockhead.

Scherzer, letting off a cyan glow, recorded eight of his first nine outs via strikeout. Five Pittsburghers were punched out twice by our favorite polychromatic-eyed moundsman, included 2019 National League MVP Gregory Polanco. Per FanGraphs, Scherzer’s performance alone increased Detroit’s win probability by 52%. Per Most Valuable Zobrist, Max’s brown eye was handily served its own ass by his blue one.

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About Joshua Allen-Worrell

Joshua Allen-Worrell is a very part-time writer. He did not graduate from the University of Virginia with a degree in economics in 1989. He did, however, poop in a diaper that year. Josh is a fan of the Atlanta Braves and the name Zoilo Almonte. He often makes tweets as @oldseacaptain.