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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

One of the most annoying questions I have been somewhat frequently asked: is "so how did you get in/hear about BDSM"?

The answer is: I didn't.

I have always had the feelings and impulses that I have today, and being a not-so-sheltered child, I can't even recall my first exposure to "S&M" in pop culture. And so what if there even is a name for these interests and desires, my finding out society's term(s) for them didn't exactly "awaken" them -- they were never dormant!

Childhood

As a little girl, I always imaged that they dynamic between myself and my future boyfriends (and eventually, husband) would be that of a D/s relationship. The idea that there were passive, non-dominant or even submissive men never even crossed my mind, because that was the role I had always believed women should fill (most likely because I myself was a female, and felt that that my place in any relationship would certainly be a submissive one).

Much to my disappointment, I would grow up to date guys who were nothing like the domineering, assertive man I had always made my Ken doll portray as Barbie was serving him dinner. In fact, I had had much more fun with the boys in elementary school, who I had both verbally and physically tormented into chasing and kicking me (knee socks were quite excellent when it came to concealing bruises).

High School

Knowing what I know now, my most lengthy and meaningful relationships probably couldn't have been worse for me. My most serious relationship was with an extremely conservative Catholic who had far too deep of a relationship with his mother.

Our entire sex life was based on her provided advice (scare tactics) of the week. After sixth months, he still screamed at me when I asked to give him head, and after a year of being together I had to gripe through a three-month-long argument about why it was so unfair of me to ask that he oblige me by taking my virginity. Shortly after he agreed, he became impotent.

We struggled with his flaccid dick and my ravenous (albeit unsatisfied) sexual appetite for about a year and a half, all the while in a long distance relationship due to our choices in Universities. I finally ended our relationship as a result of his persistent refusal to seek professional help, despite my pleading with him to do so.

Then of course, we have the hand full of perfectly attractive, caring, intelligent and stable guys who were crazy about me. Many of them even got to share a whole half year or so in my company throughout high school. But alas, their overwhelming kindness and showering of attention drove me absolutely insane, and I more or less had to break things off simply because they were "too nice".

There was actually only one boy who ever held my interest, and to some extent he still may. To most, he sounds like a complete prick and a selfish, egotistical, womanizing bastard. But I knew there was more to him than that. Throughout high school, he and I shared a very chaste relationship. We dated on and off, mostly accompanying one another to formals (oh, prep school....). He had this habit of suddenly popping back into my life, making me feel adored and special....even with his somewhat limited attention. He'd charm me into lowering my defenses....then just change his mind or completely cease contact with me. This would naturally be after he'd drawn me into his spell so much that I'd broken up with boyfriend X out of the realization that he could never compare to this guy. I can't tell you how many nights I spent in tears because of the mind games he'd play with me.

It was the Fall of my junior year of high school that I would be the one to cease contact with him for once. We were at a dance, and having some sort of trivial disagreement. Long story short, he both grabbed and twisted my arm. I absolutely freaked out and cut him out of my life.

Naturally, after a few years I'd receive a brief but alluring e-mail from him...to charm me all over again. Then after months of him wiggling under my defenses, he invited me to visit him at college. I obliged him, and it lead to 7 hours of the roughest make out session I had ever endured. We were both bruised and dehydrated in the morning, and it felt great. Then of course, he repeated his whole fear-of-commitment cycle, and started things over again (and this would repeat again about 7 months later, only ending in sex this time).

Looking Back....

Things that at the time never struck me as bizarre, all make sense to me now. One thing this particular boy enjoyed was biting (both giving and receiving), something I'd later get chastised for doing. He also had an obsession with little girls, and "couldn't wait to have his own one day". And all through high school, it was pretty much a regular conversation for us to talk about how my virginity belonged to him (he dropped the ball on that one!), how he fantasized about raping me in my sleep, and so on. The weirder part was, none of this really fazed or offended me.

College

So, as this boy had planted the seeds in my already very fertile submissive soil, I would eventually meet another boy who would water them.

I was quite confused as to why I kept going back for more. I wasn't physically attracted to him in the slightest, and the few friends who knew about it were constantly reminding me that I was extremely out of his league.

And perhaps that was true. But, reflecting on it, I think it was his overwhelming sense of primal manliness that lured me back, time and again. He only spoke to me in commands, he threw me around like a rag doll, he ordered me to take my clothes off and told me when I was allowed to put them back on. He also stood at least 6'5", allowing my 5'1" self to feel quite small and childlike next to him.

Things finally ended after he took things too far and unexpectedly strangled me after I made a smart ass comment following a pseudo-threesome we had had with a friend of mine. Even though I was voluntarily no longer the object of his lust, I couldn't help but fantasize about being as objectified as I had been with him.

But it wasn't until my most recent boyfriend's refusal to objectify and use me, that I decided to take the initiative to explore my apparent interest in kink.

So, I thought it might be helpful to give my potential readers a little background information.

I am a 20-year-old woman, currently attending a 4-year college in New England. I am currently studying Linguistics, and have (at the very least) conversational knowledge of three languages other than my native tongue. It goes without saying that I love to travel, and I am quite passionate about what I do. I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I value my education above all things...so I will definitely be in school for as long as my bank account allows it.

While I may identify myself as a submissive, in daily life I am quite dominant. I'm very argumentative, confrontational and opinionated. At the same time, I'd say I execute these aggressive aspects of my personality with the utmost grace and refinement. I prefer getting into peoples heads over screaming at the top of my lungs. I would not describe myself as selfish, but I can be overly self-focused. I'm admittedly a perfectionist, and can be rather OCD when it comes to my personal space.

I've had boys fawning over me since I was about 10 years old, and this has certainly lead to a certain degree of haughtiness. Unfortunately, I've never found myself remotely satisfied with any of my various suitors. I'd often find myself frustrated when we'd go in circles over making decisions, and bored during the tender moments of our shared sexual experiences.

I am a devout Catholic -- though, I struggle to tolerate cradle-Catholics. I was brought up by a Polish Catholic family, I myself chose not be confirmed along with the rest of my peers at age 13, and remained an agnostic for many years. I only recently accepted God's invitation for me to join Him, and was confirmed by the bishop in March of this year. My blog's title is actually a reference to the work by my patron saint, Augustine (though, I have a feeling referencing a major piece of religious literature is a tad bit blasphemous...).

Confirmed.

My faith may play a role in the decisions that I make, as well as the way I view/judge myself, but at present it does not dominate my every thought and/or action. It should also be said that I by no means wish to turn this into a religion discussion forum, and if you're expecting the saga of a Catholic-guilt-ridden submissive -- you're reading the wrong blog.