Soca Artistes: The New Relationship Gurus

I eat, sleep, and breathe relationships. I’m fascinated by this thing called love – the magical moment when two hearts meet. That enchanted period of time when the sun shines brighter and the birds sing sweeter. Those thrilling moments just before it all ends in a blaze of suckery.

I seek my inspiration wherever I can find it. Facebook (who ever came up the status of “It’s complicated” should be knighted), Google, and, of course, movies. My Movietowne research tells me that all I need for a great case of happily ever after is to be chased by aliens, robots, or men with chainsaws. My perfect man will save me, find a moment for hot, sweaty sex, and, once we survive, we’re set for life. (That’s unless I refuse to share my board when our ship sinks.)

Recently, in my quest to broaden my relationship expertise, I’ve stumbled across even more relationship gold in the form of Trinidad’s 2013 Soca songs, and from what I’m told, musicians get more booty than the average Joe or Josann, so after listening intensely this year, I felt moved to share the four, most important relationship tips, given by our very own Soca gurus.

What to do when a man actually wants to talk
In the song “Manager”, Ms. Nadia Batson’s advice to us ladies is to simply shut communication down! Who is this man to try to have a conversation about what we’re wearing, where we’re going, or how we style our hair? Don’t ask him if these jeans make your butt look small! (We’re Caribbean women, we like big buts and we cannot lie.) How dare he use the word “Cutex” in this decade? “Run away from that, girl, get away from that!” Nadia instructs.

In simple words, ladies, show your man the talk-to-the-hand sign, whenever he tries to talk to you. Listen to nothing he has to say about where you’ll be or where you’re going. That’s your manager’s job, not his! So what if you get kidnapped, and he can’t describe what you were wearing. Shut him up, and your relationship will really grow!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oR7A3meb2oo

Accept your limitations and learn to share
Blaxx takes his time in “No Getaway” to instruct us ladies that we need to learn how to wine all day. Not have productive lives, be good mothers, or get degrees. Just wine and when he gets to the [masquerader] band, then “no woman in the band nah get away!” No need to be clingy ladies, for according to one of my sources, who shall remain nameless, King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines, so let the man wine on everybody.

Shower him with your understanding and acceptance, since honestly you know that even if you load up on a five-hour energy drink, the most non-stop winning you’ll get is well, five hours! So if your man desires that you “wine all day” and push back the bumper, until he says OK, cut the man some slack and don’t be selfish. Let him chase all the women in the band, because mommy did say that sharing was good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZGI_H-SouE

There’s a place for random friends with benefits
If a man sings a song called “Single Forever”, you know he believes in baby steps when it comes to relationships and taking it slow is good advice. Right? So when Soca/Chutney singer Ki says, “I looking for a girlfriend, dat do not want a boyfriend, who looking for a toy friend”, we ladies must sit up and take notice. So girls, if you are tired of the ‘toy friend’ who’s tucked away in the back of your closet, this is relationship advice for you. Go to a party, hook up with a random stranger, and be his friend for the night. That should end well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGajp4Wp-R8

Mind reading is key to the success of your relationship
Now this piece of relationship advice is for the guys. You get to take a look into what makes a woman tick, and her complexities. You’ll recognise her ability to let you know that if things aren’t working, if she’s not getting what she wants – is all your fault. In “We doing this Owah?” Fay-Ann Lyons wants to wine, but she can’t. Why? Because you, the man, the decision maker, is just hovering around the bumsee.

She accuses you of just being too damn chatty. Too much talk, and not enough action! She’s waiting for you to make the move. She’s not about to ask for that she wants. She’s not about to let you know what needs to be done to make this thing work. Nah, you’ve got to sharpen up your telepathy skills. You’ve gotta learn to read her mind, for your relationship to work.

So if you see your woman wining, that means you wine too. Well it could mean that, or it could mean, “Don’t touch me! I’m wining alone tonight but who cares, you’ve gotta figure that out, on your own!”

You would think that a woman would be happy to find a man she can talk too, but no sireee. Shut up fellas, or, at least in this case, wine while yuh talking.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JRTXgncZpg

I have gone to great lengths to analyse the wisdom hidden within the lines of some of this year’s Soca offerings, but I must remind myself that relationships are complex. For centuries, people have tried to get this thing right, and desired a life partner and a love that works. We long to find that special someone, the one who “completes us”. (Ok so I rolled my eyes there; I ent that mushy.)

But alas, in our quest for that lasting relationship, that perfect step-by-step guide to good loving, we should remember to take all advice with a pinch of proverbial salt. I’m told by the lucky few that a relationship works, when there is understanding, commitment and many days when you simply stare off into space, as your partner complains. So after listening to this year musical offerings, the jury might still be out on whether the best relationship gurus are right here, among us, disguised as Soca artistes. What do you think?

When she’s not pondering the deep mysteries of life, Katyan Roach writes. She tries to put a humorous spin on most issues, as she thinks laughter can get us through anything, and, if that doesn’t work then, there’s always ice cream. She tries to live by the following quotes: “Love is as love does. When you know better you do better. Love God, remember those in need and don't take yourself too seriously".

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4 Comments

Joanne

January 29, 2013 at 8:43 am

If Soca Artistes are the only gurus Trinidad have no wonder our relationships are not working. Listening to these people only leaves you in a “hott mess”. My thing is run far and I mean verrrrrrry far away from these people. I am sure there are more reliable sources to gain advice.

I think you may have missed the message on Manager. It’s about controlling and/or unecessarily jealous partners, not justifiably concerned ones. It’s about staying away from men who want to DICTATE how you live your life, not those who might want to contribute to it.

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