RJS1 – Month 1

writing this on august 13 2017. while reiss is sleeping on my chest with a carrier and husband sleeping on the bed. i’m walking around the room thinking how life turned out over the past month and a week since baby came out. during the first weeks, it was really stressful. i hated my life, myself, how things turned out. hated how unfair life came to be. wounded yet i have to take care of a human. it was really tough at the start. so tough that i cried everyday. it was a good thing that my in laws were taking care of me, food and shelter were all provided for. my only focus was healing and taking care of the baby. i was full of self pity and self loathing. i did not like how god designed child birth and child rearing. i thought taking care of a baby was easy since i saw my in laws doing a great job, they made it look so easy. little did i know, it wasn’t. they were just strong. unlike me with all my insecurities. first week my major breakdown was not having milk and worrying i’m not giving reiss enough to eat. her crying at night broke my heart each time. by 5th day, i had some milk and things were looking up in that department. i was seeing patterns on how she slept and i was getting confident of getting my life on track. by second week, she had a growth spurt. won’t sleep and kept eating. no schedule no sleep. fatigue. burnt out. crying again. my mom taught me side lying position and i can sleep at night. third week getting used to not sleeping much and feeding a lot. injecting routine in our lives by introducing music, bath, sleeping time at night. 4th week was too focused on getting through the end of the month and getting out. got the carrier finally, trained and tried it many times but failed. aug 3 took my first shower and went to the snr, ob gyne, zucchini to celebrate. couldn’t get reiss to calm down without feeding her. broke down again and lost hope. aug 6 was told to come to carmen, settled down and prepared for work the next day. aug 7, prepared playpen and cleaned office for reiss. wore her via carrier up and down the floors for safety.started to work with reports slowly but mostly feeding reiss. kept practicing feeding her with a carrier and working with carrier. Thank God for the creation of carriers for working moms, I love my Lillebaby Complete All Seasons Carrier, could not imagine taking care of Reiss and working at the same time without it.

right now, i’m feeling tired yet grateful. feeling frustrated but grateful. feeling depressed but grateful. i’m all negative but grateful for reiss. for she is healthy. i’m grateful that she is turning our strong. nothing about this month has been easy. i don’t see it getting easier. but i will get through it. i will get through it for her. i just need to take care of myself too in the process so that i can give her my best. no one to take care of me but myself.