Glyphland

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Hello. It's livebloggin' time. Michigan plays in Madison against the #2 Badgers and projects to get ham sandwiched like you wouldn't believe, at least if you're a perpetually pessimistic Michigan basketball fan. And if you're not... why aren't you? Autism?

Anyway. Bo Ryan can do this:

So we're totally going to lose.

8:00 PM. Hey... the game is at nine. Uh. Nevermind. Catch you in an hour.

9:03 PM. I think this is the second thing that wasn't hockey I ever watched on Comcast Local. Not a good start for the color guy, who can't even read his "keys to the game." Courtney Sims is sporting a creepy 'stache. He wins the tap. Maybe this is like a creepy child-molesting Sampson thing.

So Michigan manages to miss three shots on its first possession, then gets a postup from Abram for a 2-0 lead. Everyone on the team has new haircuts. This is critical information. Tucker misses and Harris nails a deep three; we're up 5-0. Um. 7-0. Harris transition runner off glass.

Wow. We're 8th in the country in three-point shooting. Block inside, missed bunny, open Coleman jumper in transition goes down. 9-0. Offensive rebounds for UW lead to a Petway foul on Tucker; he's one of two and it's 9-1. And a Harris turnover; Harris turnover on the next possession. One of Wisconsin's players is rocking awesome glasses. Third straight turnover after Butch quote-unquote "threw down" Courtney Sims but was not called. First break: 9-3 Michigan.

We appear to have Petway on Tucker, which is an interesting attempt to neutralize their best player with a guy who can, like, block many things.

9:15 PM. I don't actually think Courtney Sims needs to stay out of foul trouble, as he's unnoticeable. Defensive breakdown leads to an Abram foul but two bricked FTs. We're getting jacked by the refs; weak foul on Coleman. Jerrett Smith: new haircut. Abram lets a cutter through for an easy hoop. Second straight bad play from Abram on defense. We follow it up with a turnover, and this is the Michigan basketball team we all know and barely tolerate. Another touch loose ball foul and we already have five fouls to Wisconsin's 0. (Turnovers: 4-0, Wisconsin.) Now 9-9; nice move by Butch.

9:20 PM. Smith carries the ball; turnover. Wisconsin's Guy Who Looks Like Chris Rock Guy all up in his face as the clock wound down after a Udoh offensive rebound. Tucker shoves away a Michigan defender and gets a foul; Bo Ryan is livid. Abram manages to pick up a 15-footer. And he picks up a foul(!). Second commercial break.

Udoh and Deshawn Sims have been in for this last little stretch and haven't done much. Big Ten Wonk's scouting report on Wisconsin has borne out so far. On defense they never try to block shots. They just stay in position, get their hands up and in your face, and make you shoot over them.

Wisconsin's student section: the "Grateful Red." Stupidest name in all of college basketball student sections?

Abram toasted again by some guy who sounds like his last name goes on a jar of sauerkraut; more dribble penetration, this one from Brian Butch... uh, sag off that guy? Sims got elbowed in the face on that play; no call. Wisconsin now leads for the first time, 15-13. Petway HUGE dunk. Stiemsma (this is not the proper spelling, I don't care) posterized and picks up a foul. Tied again. Super. Petway takes an obvious charge: blocking foul. Michigan now in the penalty with ten minutes left in the half. Smith gets called for traveling. Seven turnovers. We're keeping pace with the fouls. Another traveling call. I hate college basketball.

You know, it's really irritating to see Ryan bitch after every call against his team when they have three fouls and we have eighty seven. Udoh's first shot is an ugly brick... and hey, another off-the-ball foul. Eight minutes left in the half, Wisconsin by four. We have eight fouls and eight turnovers.

9:36 PM. Tucker has two fouls? This was not useful information for the announcers to relate when it happened? Sims hits a long hook shot. Bad shot, but it goes in. Feel the power of the creepy mustache. Sims travel; forget the mustache. Wisconsin turnover -- pass thrown into two guys -- leads to Udoh getting two on a nice post move that ends up getting goaltended. No... seriously, this Wisconsin team is like a polite version of Rasheed Wallace whenever called for a foul. Udoh runs over Butch on an innocent pass near the three point line. Unnecessary. I'd call it a freshman mistake, but... uh... yeah. Abram bricks a three; Deshawn Sims gets wildly out of position yield a dunk. Wisconsin by five. Abram brick; Sims foul in the backcourt leads to more Wisconsin foul shots. Front end of the one-and-one missed. Courtney Sims with a weak offensive foul. A turnover and a foul all in one; Guy Who Looks Like Chris Rock Guy nails a three. Jerrett Smith bricks a left-handed runner. Taylor fouled; more foul shots. I hate college basketball.

No, seriously, why do I do this to myself? Michigan's turnover and foul-filled badcoachingfest is only brought into starker relief when playing Wisconsin, a team that hardly ever does either of those things. I'm sticking to this 20-point rule, by the way.

9:48 PM. CSims fouled after a nice Smith pass to set up what would have been a dunk otherwise. CSims one of two. Udoh lets a guy in front of him for a two-pointer... turnover. I hate college basketball. A charging foul on Wisconsin. Smith sets up Udoh and gets him to the line and converts; UW turnover and another Smith pass that setes up a CSims layup. Wisconsin three. Sims dunk again; sealing Landry. Udoh block on Taylor; Landry block on Smith coming down at the end of the half. 33-26, UW.

Well: we've shot well and made a number of nice plays, but we've committed a ton of fouls and turnovers. Defensively we've let Wisconsin have a ton of easy opportunities, three of which can be left directly at Lester Abram's feet. Smith's played well. Harris missed most of the half after picking up two quick fouls, neither of which was particularly smart or necessary.

10:04 PM. 90% of the commercials at halftime have been for either the schools or the conference. It's like college hockey on FSN, where every ad is for some Ilitch-related enterprise like Little Caesar's or horrible miscarriages of acting at the Fox Theater or wherever. Feel the advertising dollars pour... somewhere else.

10:06 PM. Note: I think we only have three or four attempts from beyond the arc. Wisconsin has smartly limited our opportunities. Correction: we have TWO three-point attempts. (Space, bitches!) Part of that is Harris being out; part of it is not having anyone who can dribble penetrate, and part of that is just Wisconsin. Montage of the first half consist mostly of people bitching at the referees; no surprise.

Dude, Tucker, their best player by a country mile, only played five minutes in the first half and we were still down seven. Wooo Abram foul. Woo easy layup for Tucker. Woo bricked Harris three; woo layup for Wisconsin. Coleman comes off a screen deep into the shot clock and hits a tough fallaway. Woo? GWLLCRG misses a three; Sims takes a eighteen footer. We get a rebound the other end, it's stripped and Petway gives up the basket and a foul. Tucker picks up another foul and will have to sit again. And Harris picks up his third on the next possession. Woo. Wisconsin by 11 at the first commercial break.

10:17 PM. A commenter suggests that the now-defunct "Gene Pool" at Purdue had a stupider name than the "Grateful Red," but I disagree. Both are stupid, but one at least refers to, you know, science and stuff instead of a band adored by Bill Walton.

Udoh commits another foul. Abram is visibly disgusted, and so am I. Wisconsin scores, Sims blocked. Harris left wide open for three; hideous brick. Another Wisconsin layup and a Michigan timeout. Wisconsin up 15; we are potentially two possessions away from the 20-point rule.

10:23 PM. Turnover! No. The Badger guy got a finger on it. Smith tossed the ball away when he had an open three. Harris does get a three, but bricked. Okay, this is ridiculous. Every trip down the floor Michigan picks up a ticky-tack foul. I, attempting to follow the magnanimous lead of Big Ten Wonk -- one of his "four dullest topics for a college hoops blog" is refereeing -- attempt to not go all tinfoil hat, but goddamn this home/away thing in the Big Ten is unbelievable. If you are on the road in this league you have no chance of getting a fair whistle. Petway's just fouled out with 12:43 left in the game, then he got T-ed up. A joke. A goddamn joke. I hate college basketball.

10:29 PM. Meanwhile, we've gotten a five-minute break for no particular reason. Feel the competence emanating from every pore on these referee's bodies. Abram hits a three; I'm torn because of the 20 point rule. DSims is awful defensively at this point in his career, allowing Landry to blow by for the easiest two points ever.