Greetings! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, back again to educate, subjugate, and perhaps even procreate if you deem myself worthy. Last week’s post got a bit nasty, but guess what? I’m a nasty boy, just like my deceased brother Biggie, so I liked it. My closest friends speak to me like I’m Jonathan Martin, so these negative comments didn’t cut too deep. A trip to Scottsdale was all my chicken and I required to return to the writing world like Jesus, when the whole needs us. My Arizona trip in a nutshell: Steamy modeling shoot in Scottsdale, tanning nude with the Phoenix Suns dance team, speaking with government officials about their negative reception to gays and minorities and how it must stop or I will no longer be visiting their desert wasteland of a city, and ending it all with some of the most sumptuous lap dances I’ve ever experienced, including one from the beazle who starred in the cult hit Grandma’s Boy(probably NSFW). I hate that movie by the way. Despise it really. Moving on.

I apologize for not being more thorough in adding statistical evidence to support my thoughts last week and will try to do so moving forward. Can I be honest with you though? I’m not a huge analytics guy. Shocker, I know. What I am is an identifier of talent and I’ve prided myself on that throughout the years. I do my research on who the biggest prospects are in the game and then I sit in front of my computer (usually in the nude), watching countless hours of game tape. It’s the reason I’ve drafted Domonic Brown and Chris Davis every season since they played an inning of major league baseball. I saw that special “it” factor in these young stallions and kept gambling that “this is the year” they were going to break out, and last year it finally happened. It would be downright criminal for me to turn on them now, sort of like 50 Cent turning on Lloyd Banks and Tony Yayo. That happened and I haven’t stopped asking “WHY?” since. G-Unit was the realest rap squad in history and I’m just stating the facts lil’ homies. Back to baseball; Davis is now a top-10 pick and begrudgingly I MAY have to locate new obsessions, other than Capozzi’s wife of course, as that didn’t turn out well for anyone. Ever seen Fatal Attraction? YIKES!

You want a couple more examples? I’ve always been baffled as to why the Diamondbacks traded Max Scherzer AKA The Gods’s favorite son. You could see early on that this beast of a youth had the makings of a dominant starter and best believe I’ve been rostering him ever since. Scherzer owners were fully rewarded with an insane second half in 2012 where he dropped a 2.69 ERA and 110 k’s on that ass in only 90.1 innings. This surely made him a top-10 fantasy starting pitcher in everyone’s rankings for 2013, right? Wrong. “Ok, well def top-20 then. That’s a no brainer, right?” WRONG AGAIN! ” Ok, ok, Beddict, we get it, but top-30 isn’t THAT disrespectful and he did have a pretty high walk rate. No way he’s below 30 in ANYONE’S rankings, right?” WRONG FOR THE THIRD TIME MY FRIENDS! Tristen Crockcroft had Maxy at 35. The legendary Matthew Berry had Sherz as the 125th overall player behind storied figures Logan Morrison and Shaun Marcum(ARE YOU KIDDING ME). And ESPN’s general rankings had him as the 38th best starting pitcher. This is so god damn disgraceful it makes Mark Davis’s haircut look like a great decision (THE TREND STARTS NOW). No, I’m not going to look at Grey’s rankings for last year because I’m sure he had him higher (Please God’s let Grey have had him ranked higher). Did I follow anything close to these rankings and take a pitcher who didn’t give up as many walks or had a lower fly ball rate? Of course not! I’m not some peon who watches Max Scherzer and thinks there is ANY WAY POSSIBLE, that this guy is not an absolute superstar ready to explode. Of course I drafted him early in the Razzball writers league, and was crushed by Sky (among others) about it. In fact, near the end of the season, when it was clear I was victorious, I brought this back up and an obviously bitter Sky told me ” it was still a bad pick because I could have gotten him in a later round.” I’ll let you imagine how I should have responded. You may be asking: “Who’s a pitcher you could see enjoying a Scherzer like breakout in 2014, oh powerful Beddict?” My answer: Jeff Samardzija. He’s ready to dominate and is undervalued but I will touch on him and my other underrated players next week so keep coming back.

Yu Darvishis another hog I was completely sold on before he even set foot in the major leagues. I even went as far as taking him as my first SP in a dynasty draft. As per usual I faced mass ridicule. As per usual, I jacked off to pictures of Yu Darvish’s stat sheet at the end of the season while verbally assaulting those who questioned a man undoubtedly blessed by the Elder Gods.

Your Uncle Tehol doesn’t hit one out of the park every time my friends so we shan’t pretend that’s the case. What if I told you that a 25-year-old 3rd basement hit 44 home runs, 102 RBIs, stole 24 bags, all while batting a respectable .260? Sure, the average was probably a tad lucky but that didn’t stop me from obsessing over the man like I was a 12-year-old girl reading Tiger Beat magazine, looking at shirtless pics of him next to J.T.T. and Jonathan Brandis (RIP), and then drafting him at the top of the 3rd round of a dynasty draft. How did he perform for me in 2010 you ask? A line of: 32 jacks, 85 RBIs, 7 steals, and wait for it, a .198 batting average! What makes this even more astounding is the fact that this free swinging clucker actually struck out more in his prior monster season. I almost forgot to mention his name but surely you already knew it: Mark Reynolds, and he’s never hit above .221 again. I lust after these power/speed combo players in the same fashion Josh Hartnett does about any acting role of ANY kind ever again. A couple other players I’ve embarrassingly whiffed on: Aaron Hill, the year after he hit 36 and 108. Tommy Hanson, who I’m still in total shock about how disgracefully horrific he is, and last but not least, Matthew Wieters, the man formally known to his college teammates as “God,” who I draft each and every year way too high. Trust me, some of these duds make Ryan Reynolds’s decision-making look genius……. Actually, I take that back. Not only did he marry the much elder Alanis Morissette, but he chose to be in films that any intelligent agent should have told him were hot garbage: Buried, Green Lantern, R.I.P.D, and a bunch of shizz I’ve never heard of in what should be the prime of his career. Isn’t it Ironic? Ok, so he made up for some of that by marrying Scarlett Johansson, dropping her like a bad habit, then upgrading (is that possible?) once again to Blake Lively. Mad props for that. He also starred in one of the most underrated films in history, Just Friends, as well as the surprisingly delightful, The Proposal, so he hasn’t been a total disgrace.

Now if you’ll allow me to, I’d like to preach about my boy “Sir” Domonic Brown for a moment. Yes, he’s earned the “Sir” title and you will address him as such and yes, you will allow me to praise him. Judging by how soft your insults were on the message board last week, some of you are the type of guys who wear an engagement ring before the actual wedding. You know, like a woman. That’s okay though; With my assistance you soon will be leaving insults that would make even Greg Giraldo cringe, if he were alive of course (RIP). Shall we make a list of what I so cherish about this young Jedi? Ok, if you insist. Witness:

1. Since the age of 19, Brown has never hit below .274 and that .274 was over a short 46 game stint. Other than that he’s been right at right around or above 300.

2. In 2010, playing in both AA and AAA, Brown hit for a combined .327 average, .391 OBP, a .589 SLG, 22 doubles, 4 triples, 20 jacks, 68 RBI’s, and tacked on 17 steals. ALL IN 93 GAMES!!!!!NINETY THREE F’ING GAMES!!! SAY SOMETHING ELSE NEGATIVE ABOUT MY BOY! SAY IT!!!! Whoa there, I felt like the legendary Sam Kinison(RIP) for a second. Let me pop a horse tranq’ and keep on with the list.

3. The Phillies screwed him over by bringing him up that same year and then hardly playing him. After that it was just a mix of injuries and bad player management.

4. What happened last year? Brown hit 272, 27 bombs, 83 RBIs, to go along with 8 steals in only 139 games.

5. I don’t care that 17 of his 27 homers were hit in a 39 game span. It all counts the same if you’re playing Roto baby.

6. I don’t care if he seemingly only goes yard to right field. They all count the same.

7. The dude is 26 years old, built like a stallion, and the type of world class athlete a peasant like Adam Jones could only dream of being. Are you going to tell me that at the age of 26, Brown won’t be able to adjust and be able to go deep to all fields? You people are starting to annoy me. “YOU PEOPLE!!?” Yes, you, fantasy baseball players who are doubting this freak of nature.

8. HE IS ONLY 26 YEARS OLD!

9. Many haters write about his second half “collapse” last season, but the facts clearly state that Brown was 1) Injured. And 2) Tried coming back from his injury too soon, leading to Brown being ineffective and not being allowed to run.

10. He is 6′ 5″, 210 pounds and as well know, SIZE MATTERS. Don’t let your significant other tell you anything different.

Ok, enough with the list. I think you get it. You can spit out fly ball rates and k rates or whatever other statistical analysis you want, but I know one thing, and that one thing is that I want to varnish Jessica Simpson in Oreo cream filling and lick off every last speck of creamy goodness. I’ve always wanted Jessica more than words could ever begin to describe so I won’t disgrace her name with an attempt. Even when she was fat and bloated, I would have given my left nut for the chance to hand feed her triple bleu cheese bacon burgers dipped in au jus. Sorry, got off track there. The other one thing and one thing only I know is that I want “Sir” Dominic Brown on each and every single one of my fantasy teams. Want isn’t the correct word here. More like “NEED.” And unlike Chris Davis, Brown is still underrated, so I’d suggest taking advantage of these disgraceful slights against the God. I live my life by two rules and two rules only. 1) Never have unprotected sex at a Tijuana strip club and 2) Never bet against 6′ 5″, 210 pound, handsome, Elder God blessed men who run’s like the cheetahs.

Grey isn’t smitten with the chosen one, Domonic Brown, like I am, but that’s okay. I am fully on board with 97.54321 percent of his rankings as his posts were helping me win titles well before I blackmailed Grey and Rudy into letting me write on this site. On a final side note I’m going to have to ask that you join or commish a Razzball RCL league and tell all your friends to as well. If we can turn every one that played D&D and/or “Magic The Gathering,” we could get bought out for 100 million dollars. And even more special, we’d be stopping people from playing “Magic The Gathering.” Special bonuses to those of you who bring in actual females. Last but not least, you need to check out the new t-shirts on the website as I recently did and I guarantee you’ll be pleasantly surprised. This post was supposed to be on all of the players I felt were underrated this year but I got carried away so we’ll do that next week my peeps. Until then, stay classy.

Your comments, criticism, and questions will be responded to promptly below and feel free (or obligated) to follow me on Twitter at @TeholBeddict47. Here’s to fantasy baseball, the greatest “game” there is.

@RandomItalicizedVoice: I don’t go for the goofy names really. Phillies works for me. I will say Cubbies or Yankess on occasion. “Yankess” was an actual typo made by a Yankees employee on a sign a half dozen or so years ago.

@Sky: Right now, I am not locked into any baseball leagues. I am trying to start a keeper league but still need eight more people. I am not going to play in one free redraft league. I would rather sit out the year than just do that.

@Sky: My RCL experiences in 2013 were busts. I competed like heck, but drafted poorly enough that I didn’t contend. Half the teams in each league stopped playing in July or August. I don’t want to go down that road again.

@Tehol Beddict: @Sky: That’s what I’ve been saying since last year when I didn’t know what the hell RCL’s were. I’d like to get in on a keeper league where money is involved, even if it’s just 20 bucks

@Tehol Beddict: I’d like to see you guys start up RCLs that are weekly transax instead of daily. Like a lot of people (I think), I don’t have the day-in-day-out time and schedule to compete like I’d want in a daily league, but I’d like to compete against other Razzballians. And if it were a money league, so much the better. I had a good experience in Jack’s football RCL.

@Wallpaper Paterson: get in a damn league, my first RCL was hot garbage too, but last year was a blast. Like Jay said, we are competing against everyone. What’s the worst that could happen, you quit in June like everyone else in your league.

@Wallpaper Paterson: Beastman league is legit. ANYONE who wants to play in a legit league where everyone plays the whole year(well mostly everyone) and win some cash against good comp join the Beast’s league. We were once competitors but now Im proud to call him my friend

@Tehol Beddict: ahh, the old eye test. Always the best judge of talent. Go with your gut or go home. And take those damn pointless splits with you. (Accept for pedro hitting bombs during day games, that shits legit yo)

@J-FOH: He’s vanished since I threatened to boot him out of my RCL league for some reason. not sure why. He wasn’t happy with me for responding to his “good natured” Tehol Bash session. I’m hoping he shows up today to pay homage

@Wallpaper Paterson: hahahahhahahahah. You’re right it def has some good scenes. My hate comes from some of my friends praising it like it’s a full on classic film. Just not the case. I suppose it’s watchable but the fact that it has some kind of cult following really bothers me

@Tehol Beddict: I feel the same about your posts. You def have some good scenes, my hate comes from the fact that people praise it like a good post. Just not the case. I suppose it’s readable, but there’s only 2 facts and 25 opinions peppered with shitty links to 90’s era BS that wasn’t cool then and hasn’t gained stream since. Really bothers me.

Keep on tryin, Tehol. One day, I’ll leave a good comment, and you’ll know I mean it from the bottom of my black heart…

@UncleLarryWalker: hahahahahah caught me slipping again. Maybe I could make it so the editor, the legendary Jay Wrong, does all my responses as well. That was autocorrected bro. don’t hold it against me. Im on the freeway doing 90, doing these responses so relax on the grammar checccccck mayne. come on son

Brother Tehol, it has come to my attention that even you, my favorite fantasy writer/world class pervert has yet to give a shout out to the wonderful and frequently nude Leanna Decker. This makes me sad.

1300-word introduction just to get to the “meat” of why I should like Dom Brown. 350 words telling me nothing I couldn’t have found in 3 minutes of looking at his page on Fangraphs, and some extra garbage about your locker-room wet dream. I like satire and humor, but this is crap.

@Him Tardaway: it was definitely amusing but Im not able to swear nor is it probably appropriate for me to fully abuse readers who the higher ups would probably like to come back to their website hahahahhaha. But i feel you though. Im ready to get wild on people. maybe this afternoon it will heat up

I don’t get the hate for Brown. He was injured as you point out. Plus Grey is all over him for hitting 12 of his 27 HRs in one month. Another guy that did that was Justin Upton, the King of high expectations. Here was his month by month HR: 12,2,1,1,8,3,1 on his way to his 27 HR, 70 RBI, 8 SB, .263 season. Brown went 3,12,,6,3,3,0. Totals for him: 27 HR, 83RBI, 8 SB, .272. Why is Upton so high and Brown gets zip? What am I missing? Upton’s track record is pretty much set. You’ll draft him high and he will let you down. At least with Brown he costs a lot less.

@Wilson: Wiiiiiiiiiiiiilsooooooooon(Tom Hanks voice), you are a god damn genius. Glad we’re on the same page here. I saw Brown go to a twitter friend of mine in the 9nth round yesterday which is where I took him LAST year when he had even lower expectations. Yes, I took him higher than probably anyone on earth but I’ll gladly take him there again and probably much earlier. Love the guy. Thanks for the comment

@Bonghuetz: N.W.A. all the way, no question, especially if we’re counting the solo careers that came out of it. Outkast no question though I haven’t loved anything they’ve done since AQUEMINI. Not a huge Goodie Mob guy. West coast playa- THE CLICK had a full on classic disc. Most underrated duo of all time Heltah Skeltah- FKing love them. Never was huge into UKG though like them quite a bit. DPG could be argued.

Tehol you have convinced me to buy in on Dom Brown. Everyone here can say what they want, but fuck ’em. I’m currently doing an offline auction draft for a 13-team 5×5 roto league(standard espn roster size, 5 OF, 1 MI, 1 CI, 1 UTIL), and was wondering what you would be willing to spend on ‘ol Sir Brown? Grey has him as an $8 player but he also has him down for a .255 average which I think is way low as you have pointed out so elegantly in this here article. Nice write up and keep up the nude work!

You are the most entertaining writer on this website, only second to his royal Greyness. Haters gon’ hate, and when they do it solidifies our superior standing. Let those same peons not draft Dom Brown, so they once again can realize that winning should be left to the champions. Jelously is a stinking f**king cologne.

BTW, Tehol: drafting a guy earlier than you should – i.e. overvaluing – is still a bad pick. When you can buy a rolex for the price of a swatch, you should. You paid rolex price and got rolex in return. End results don’t change overvaluing against the board.

@Sky: it makes me feel better paying my value to ensure I get it and like bidding for a rolex on ebay., if I really want it tehol gon splurge yo. Can’t risk letting it getting away cuz it stays on my mind all year, keeping me up nights and the world is more safe with beddict asleep and not running the streets. I needed scherz so that’s where I took. Never know if someone else was thinking as I was.

@Sky: How early did he take him? Scherzer was a popular choice amongst Razzballers last year, you had to take him earlier in a Razzball league than you did in a conventional league. I just missed him in the 7th in my main league and got him in my RCL in the late 6th a bit later.

So your big takeaway from last week was that you needed to include more stats?

That was it?

You unique, special, and very stupid little snowflake.

Your fatal flaws can’t be fixed by simply going out and buying packs of baseball cards, ripping stats, and vomiting up crooked numbers into your article:

Stats won’t make your tedious, rambling, self-referential gibberish any more bearable.
Stats won’t make your superficial observations any more insightful.
Stats won’t make the desperation and insecurity go away.
Stats won’t make your contributions significant.
Stats won’t make anyone like you.
Stats won’t make you funny.

But maybe…just maybe…

Sitting there at your computer, naked and dope-sick from the cheek-fulls of baseball card bubblegum you’ve been eating for the last seven days, the universe will reveal itself to you. And in this moment of clarity you will realize how fantastically terrible your work up to this point has been. And you will pledge change. And the world will be a better place for it.

@Kid A: yeeeeeeeeesss. There’s my boy Kid-A! That was better than I expected, I can’t lie. But I will bet you any amount of money that you will not defeat me in our fantasy league. Clean out your Mom’s change drawer if you must. It might be hard on the eyes to sort through all the magnums and, needles, and spoons in that drawer , but I need you to put your money where your foul little mouth is.

@Kid A: thats the most words you have ever typed in here , I can’t wait for the lashing I get from you in my first creeper of the week, 3,4, maybe 5 paragraphs. I can’t wait it will be like being roasted back in the dean martin days.

HR/FB at 19.3% yet an avg fly ball distance of just 283 ft doesn’t add up to me. seems like it should be alot lower than that..
he’s ranked at 101 in yahoo which isnt terrible. right around where he should be valued if you predict a repeat of last year minus some homers.
i dont really like too many of the guys in that tier of OF’ers. rather have taken some and wait for value later.

@stonepie: I don’t predict a better a repeat season. I predict a better season. Guys develop power over time and he’s 26 years old and is an absolute freak athlete with speed. if he can avoid injury bug, and I understand that could be a BIG if, I say he goes off in a major way.

@Sir Brown’s Horcrux: I couldn’t tell you that. Im sure you just got comfortable hitting a certain way and wasn’t forced to adjust and it worked so why change. Trust me when I tell you a man with this athleticism and size/speed can and will hit the ball the other way if necessary. Again look at his stats throughout history. I don’t see regression. He wants it. And I want it and together that’s a deadly combination.

@Beastman: it sure would be man. It sure would be. You know what, I’m in a ton of leagues this year but I want back in yours if you don’t find someone in the next day or so. Consider me in. Send me the link

@the guru: Either Votto had the same pharmacist as Ryan Braun or he has John Olerud power. Or he’s somewhere in between but the runs, Rbi’s average will all be there and I’d say theres an 80 percent chance he hits more than 30 so yea first rounder mos def. I used to play in league where it was OPS +slugging as one category. that was cool .

Sir Domonic looks like he is ready to finally put the haters to rest this season. The hate is too much for this young hog! While most clowns will be stalking Nick Markakis and Michael Cuddyer I will be following Tehol’s legendary advice to the Title! Cut the check!!

Tehol you say you agree with Grey’s rankings 97.something percent. Do you also believe in SAGNOF? I tend to take a couple closers a bit early to sleep at night and I find it easier to pick up starters during the year anyway. What’s your pitching strategy? Coming soon?

@Bobby Nice: I tend to follow that strategy but was almost screwed over last season and had to trade valuable players for closers I was so desperate. So I don’t mind taking 1 or 2 when the closer run happens, and it will happen. so go head with yo bad self

Heyman, so my league is looking to drop the keeper system and potentially move to another site to manage fantasy baseball. We are still keeping a points leae but they are exploring variations. Do you have any suggestions for getting the most satisfaction out of a points league—which provider, bench size, general rules, etc?

Thanks. It’s gonna be a good year bro. All that great damn advice last season helped but holy shit I lost the leage my 30 fucking points. This year will be domination.

@Joel: Howzit! Ive only done points leagues on CBS but ESPN provides also and I prefer ESPN over all other sites when it comes to fantasy or pretty much anything….other than razzball of course. I would probably keep the rules as is though some like to make striking out for hitters a little costly, which I like. If you’re not doing keepers I would keep bench standard or maybe add one spot. I expect you win the title this season. ANything else would be uncivilized

very tough calls here at the end. if ortiz had 1b eligibility it would be tempting and he old and this keeper league. with last spot where I put Jansen, you could argue Hamels or even Holland . probably Hamels since he a starter. If you not a big closer guy just keep Hamels though his injury is bothering me

Her man, so our league keepers have been reduced to 4 (from 7). Would you still keep these guys in that order? Sorry for posting on this entry, thought it would be easier where you posted your suggestions before