The Journey

It is here that I might now take a moment and share with you of an experience that will help you understand and appreciate the interaction of names you will be hearing on the pages to come. It started around 2005, when I began having spontaneous hand gestures called mudras and more intensified kriyas, or energy jolts that would shoot through my body. As I would meditate, connecting with Spirit, the energy would become active. The kriyas became a barometer of my truth, because often when I heard or experienced something that struck a resonance with me, I would have a jolt of energy go through my body. It seemed that they were of an eastern nature, and concluded that I would need someone of the east to help me truly understand what was happening to me. At the same time, I was hesitant to study about the mudras, because they seemed so pure; that I didn’t want the mind to get involved and overshadow the spirit of innocence that was present with them; for me they were sacred and holy. It was at this time, one evening that I was driving home from work, and a vision opened up to me; as I experienced with my spiritual eyes and still able to drive, I saw myself in India and I could see a circle of people seated on pillows on the ground and in this circle was a place being held for me. As I perceived the circle and I could feel and know that these people, that held this space for me, loved me very much and I them. The vision then ended but very much had an impact on me, because I even shared it with my sister and said to her, “Who knows I might be moving to India.” Up until that time I had no connections to India except traveling there once for business and as an artist, I loved the exoticness of the country, but I had no other connections.

Well, it was about six months later that I received a phone call from a dear friend of mine, and she said that there was an Indian woman, a reiki master, who was visiting from India, and that she had had an appointment with her and was very impressed. I knew then that I was meant to see her and without hesitation made an appointment. Her name is Rajul and it turned out that she would become like a sister to me. Our appointment was very powerful and my body was in a state of mudras and kriyas, which I let flow freely because of her beliefs. She kept saying prayers in Hindi and I could see her eyes widen, in which at that time wasn’t sure if it was a positive or negative response, but she was reacting as so was I. After the energy session was over we sat for quite a while as she explained and told me of her own story. It was then that she said to me, “I would like you to meet my husband, Swamiji.” I followed her to a small connected portion of the home where they were staying. As I entered the room there was her husband who was the image of what a Swami would look like: greying beard, long hair and in traditional Indian dress. They invited me to sit, and we conversed in between pauses of silence. My kriyas and mudras became very active again, and it seemed to his delight. They explained of how they came here and of their beloved master and guru, Dada (as they called him). And as they told stories of him my energy became more excited as I could feel the room charge up with energy and he was present. I could feel and sense him, but not see him. This brought much joy to both Swamiji and Rajul. They invited me back but it was at the end of their stay, so I could only visit with them one more day before they left to the bay area. On that second visit, the bond was sealed; and we would evermore be bonded. It was in that second visit that I could hear Dada’s messages as he was playful with them, and they with him. At one point he joked with me by saying, “You need much discipline.” It is this phrase that you will hear repeated as you read, a recurring joke between he and I. It is always sweet and warming when I hear it.

As you continue to read in, the Journey, you will read of many varied experiences that I began recording years ago, and the relationships that grew between Rajul, Swamiji and myself, as well as my continued experiences with Elizabeth. Again, I remind you that in the wisdom of my Master, Jesus, he sent messengers to me and allowed me to have a wide variety of experiences; He slowly led me to where He wanted me to be as He prepared me for what was to come.

(As a word of preface, for the writings that you will soon encounter. I would first like to apologize for any grammatical errors. It was because of that troubled youth that I dropped out of school in the seventh grade. So please have patience as you read… Also I should mention that the ‘Writings’ directed by Spirit, in italics, are given to me word for word, so the sentence structure is not as important as the cadence, message and Spirit that it bears. For I know that as you read with an open heart the Spirit will guide and bear witness of these words spoken to me.)

This is a collection of personal writings, channelings and experiences that I have had throughout my life. I have decided to record these various experiences, that if in the future others might read them, they will know of the depths of my emotions, actions and experiences. Whether you believe them to be true or not is of no consequence, but do know that it is with my heart that I bear witness that the things I have written are true to my experience. Read and ponder … (Written in 2007)

June 20, 2007

A retreat to the Mendocino coast, a sacred place for me …

Dead Bones

Dead bones upon I sit,

Extensions of limb and arm,

Creating a resting place, for the weary within me.

Dead bones upon I sit,

A place of once life’s flow … and still is.

The dead bones that make this throne above the swirling sea;

The call of the birds, the roar of ocean swirls, the moisture in the breeze …

As I look and listen, I see and feel life still,

Life amongst what was.

Dead bones upon I sit,

A limb that served for birds to nest,

Has succumb to All That Is,

And still waits to serve … a weary traveler.

I give thanks to this tree that once was and still is,

Dead bones upon I sit.

I’ve come to my sacred place once more. I left home with expectation and guilt. As the tires rolled on one hundred degree highway pavement, with music drumming the vibration of change; I felt as if a bubble being blown through a soapy hoop and splitting off, splitting off from my father’s pain and my sister’s discomfort, splitting off from all the stress of my work and life. Seeing that life in iridescence and contained behind me, as I drove to my sacred place.

As I sit upon the tree that I have longed for, I keep getting a sweet scent, a smell of wood and spice. I keep checking to see if it is cologne upon my body, but it seems different…Rajul, has said that Dada would create such a smell, such as gardenia or incense when he is near. Here in my sacred place I could only hope and wish, as I sit and listen …sense.

I came here this year with expectation and desire. A desire to repeat what was so incredible last year. I know that it will be different and expectation can bring disappointment. But this is my time to be with Spirit and myself, not that I don’t have it throughout the year, but this is my holy pilgrimage to my Mecca. I am reminded of Elizabeth and me sitting in an audience with Ram Dass, as he told of an Indian devotee, that his guru and master was associated (I believe she was one of his master’s teachers). His master came upon her, in a garden, without her knowing. She was singing to God, she was singing as if it were to a lover, “Jia, Jia …” It was then Ram Das began to sing as she did, all emotion flowed within me; I could not stop the flow of tears. As even now they swell in my eyes, of the devotional of love. I wait in my sacred place, awaiting the whisper, the caress of my lover, God. And perhaps it is in the call of the birds, the gentle swells of the water on this outcropping: the light, the soft breeze and the warmth of the sun breaking through the marine layer. Perhaps these are the manifestations that my lover is with me. As I hear, a voice within, “Be still and know that I am here.” As I was writing the words I could smell that sweetness cut through the salty sea air, and I can sense an excitement within me. My Lover, my Maker, All That Is … is with me and manifest is known. “Be still and know.”

The sweetness continues and I continue to sniff my clothing … ahhh, just call me ‘Thomas’ of the New Testament.

The swells of ocean and the rhythmic sounds from my earphones are so soothing. As I listen I am drawn back a few days ago in my memory to Father’s Day. My sister, Dad and I were sitting at Father’s Day dinner, which she had prepared. As Dad offered the prayer of gratitude I was overwhelmed with Spirit and saw an opening, a shaft of energy or a portal, which I have experienced on numerous occasions. As Dad prayed, this opening in the veil between world and Spirit was made manifest and I was filled with emotion as I sensed Mom and others. The emotion was sweet and full, which was hard to keep contained as Dad said, “Amen”. Did he realize he had been heard and we were not alone? “Be still and know”, keeps repeating through my head and I am filled with emotion.

Sitting here with my iPod and listening to the drumming of Eastern rhythms…

I just experienced and wanted to capture, for what purpose I don’t know, but God just showed me, His gentle way. I was prompted to listen to my music. So I put the pen down, stood and let my neck be supported by the tree, and listened. As I heard and watched, I was moved…

We all want to be moved by the theater, a movie or a concert. As I listened to the music and observed, I was witness to a production. The music and sights as compelling as anything I’ve experienced in a theater. The sounds and dance, of ocean and rock, breeze and grasses in a movement of dance, mosses waving like banners of celebration in the trees. I could imagine hundreds of banners and tiny bells waving and sounding in celebration. All of the dances and sounds celebrating, All That Is… God. And they do nothing, but live and be … moving together, just being, and just experiencing life. What comes to me is that life is celebration. The experience of it is honoring His greatness, the greatness of All That Is. Life is honoring Him; the experience is ours of Him. His and mine! He is our lover in life. He is the air that we move to. He is the sounds that we move and dance to, He is the celebration! He is All That Is and shares that with us. He is my lover and I His. We are all part of His celebration, and our life is our devotional to Him. Our gratitude is His hymn. Rejoice within ourselves and give thanks, which is our praise.I have felt His whisper; His caress, His love and I celebrate with Him in the dance. His dance of life.

Oh, how I have changed! All of my youth I wanted to escape this life; I felt life as a confinement. Now I sit with tears streaming down my face … embracing life. I finally get it!

I choose to embrace life, my Lover, All That Is: to experience, celebrate and just be. I’m inspired, that is enough. I don’t have to do anything, but just be. It is enough and if I should choose more, then that is celebrating. Just being and experiencing Him is enough, which is awareness, an awareness of All That Is and me. In that awareness is the sweetness of everything, in the awareness may come the desire to do, but all we have to do is be. Be with Him, All That Is.

Leaving my throne of bones on the outcropping … there is a small stream…

I sit on a rock as I did a year ago and I am in awe. The rock is in the middle of a small, freshwater stream that babbles to the ocean. The streambed is of smooth, rounded river rock surrounded by sand. As the water ripples over the rocks, it is music! All is in praise of Him … praise is all around me. Literally! This is my escape: my playground, my Disneyland! I love this place and as I am here I am in continual awe.

June 21, 2007

The moss banners still wave in the branches of the trees as the deep indigo glistens in the bright light of late morning. The breeze is stronger out of the north, cutting the warmth of the sun. The contrasts of color are incredible. The bright lime-green of the grasses clinging to the rocks at the edge of the waterline, with the indigo and white foam of the water; they all swirl together in rhythm, at the base of the outcropping as I listen to songs of exotic praise on my iPod. Her voice is so clear and clean, like the views before me. She sings, lifts and rides on the air with the ease of a bird’s soar. The curve of the tree creating a box seat, on this beautiful outcropping; the performance rivals anything! The dance and the song are continuous. It is in how much one can take in that determines the length of the performance. Perhaps it is being a mere witness that makes me part of the performance. All that I take in lifts my energy. I can almost feel a shaft of light rise from me, a shaft of energy. Up rising energy that lifts from me and connects to another dimension. A dimension of spirit. Perhaps there in that dimension, others view the energy with awe, the same awe as when we might view the northern lights. I can feel the continued flow, the witness of my energy, and continuous flow between two dimensions. Connection! Awareness and connection, we are never alone and can always be connected. The voice of praise sings out from my earphones, and carries the same passion as the Indian devotee in the garden. She singing out devotion and longing, as if for her lover, her God. The names could be interchanged. Every nation cries out for connection. Whether it might be Krishna, Buddha, Elohim, Allah, or Christ, all cry with that same outpouring for connection. In so doing are they creating northern lights for others, Which then are viewed, answered and the cycle continues?

Her voice lifts and I am connected, we are connected. The world is truly one; one in the dance and performance. Nobody is a bystander; we are all part of the rhythm of life.

June 22, 2007

The ocean waters are more turbulent, on my third and last day, in the sacred place of my pilgrimage. The banners still wave and I am still plugged into the sounds of the East as chants play through my iPod. I almost didn’t come here for my last visit because of the checkout and travel times. But I was afraid that I might have missed out on something, if there was a gift waiting my visit. As I sit on the familiar bones I am so glad I made the trek.As I gaze and watch, I am conscious that this will all continue when I leave. The tides will have their rhythm, the banners will continue to wave and the birds glide on the ocean air. Life will continue as if I had never been here. And perhaps so it is in my own life. We are here, we partake and participate, it’s only what we connect with and dance, that creates our performance. Our experience is what we take with us. And yet that also, is truly past. So perhaps it is the awareness of the present, right now, and in the praise of All That Is.

So it is in my awareness of the now, my connection that is before me. I give thanks and in my be-ing, I praise (perhaps creating northern lights for someone else).

I took some time and focused on my third eye chakra and saw myself projected or propelled on a beam of energy to the bedrooms of Swamiji and Rajul. They were asleep and became aware of my visit. We all communed in praise. I took in the room a fabric hanging on the wall facing the bed and their alter behind me, we exchanged and partook of the energy. I then felt DaDa on my left behind me, all was wonderful. I give thanks to Dada, and yes, I do need discipline. Thank you!

I then saw in the far distance Dada and Swamiji on the water, and then both rose in a blast of energy. I said to myself, “Yes, I do need discipline!” Then I beheld Rajul, slowly dancing in a beautiful light and she is just content to dance. What a beautiful sight as I observe the rapture of her experience, it was so beautiful. We are blessed.

September 5, 2007

My fall pilgrimage to the Mendocino Coast …

Change… as I sit upon a rock looking out over the ocean covered path of sand and rock that I once walked to my sacred seat. The throne of bones, a tree of the past, that has created a place of ponder, reflection and communication is now unreachable. I can see my sacred place high up on the outcropping of rock and vegetation. It calls forth of time past: Dada walking on water, praise, and all around me manifesting the Supreme and the sublime. As I observe how the fall landscape is different from that of the spring. The little outflow of water that gently raced, over singing stones to the ocean, has changed its course. Its flow is now weaker and takes a less resistant course. Even on the outcropping, from a distance, looks different. The vegetation is dryer, not as lush, after the summer sun.

Change… it seems to be the lesson of late. Soon I will have to abandon this seat where I can gaze at my beloved throne.The cove of ocean water is tossing itself closer, with the incoming tide.

Just a few days ago I sat in a meager room of a motel in Reno, waiting the appointed time to meet with Swamiji. As I calmed myself and prepared, I looked around the tasteless room and thought about all the things I was lacking: my candles, my incense, my pictures of Swamiji, Rajul, Dada, Christ, my mala beads, etc. And in a few short breaths came an enlightened thought and moment.

“I don’t need ALL those things to create a sacred space.” It is carried within us; we are that space. And with that awareness, energy started to flow through my body, creating the spontaneous movements and mudras that only I observe. The movement brought my fingers to my mouth as it has many times in the past. With that movement, my body automatically releases a light steady breath that passes through the fingers positioned (as if I were holding a cigarette in both hands to inhale). And with the pass of the breath is an awareness and connection to Spirit, to God. This time, in this room of the motel, I received a deeper insight. As the breath passed through the parted thumb and fingers positioned at my lips, I felt a connection and heard the voice of Ram Dass. His voice from a meditation that I heard years ago, he is quoting Hindu scripture, where it is said, “The house of God is the breath within the breath.” For me it all came together in that moment, the merging of thought and action into truth. Our inner essence so subtle, some may say that the spirit is within that small, light and simple breath, and with that breath is our connection to All That Is, God.

What a gift! In what appeared to be a ‘not so sacred place’, more truth flowed to me … I am always attaching to things to make them right, special or sacred. If I had this (whatever this might be) then it would make it sufficient or right. The truth is, “I don’t need anything, because it is always carried within my connection or essence.” It is within, and that is all I really need … to connect! The thought came, “I really don’t even need my body, for it is that essence spirit within that makes me, me.” My essence and my connection, is all that really matters. So my session with Swamiji started before my 10:30 appointment.

I understand it again, as I look out from this rock, at the tree, my seat, on that outcropping. I don’t need that special place to be connected. All I need is my essence. As I look out and see the tree in the distance, I realize, all that made it ‘special’ is here within me. Within my breath, I carry the essence of that sacred place and time. It is I and my connection with All That Is. I can live with change, and still be connected to what was, what is, and what will be… God. Thank you.

September 6, 2007

“Write.” I hear the word,“Write”, again I hear the voice say,“Write.”

As I struggle to free my hand that is entangled in my Mala beads that Swamiji had given me a year ago. So write I am … I am in awe, struck with the words, the flow, the experience!

“The tiniest grain of sand cannot compare to the world from which I come. If you were to hold a grain of sand that would be all you know at this time. Trust is imperative. Trust the process of opening. You are experiencing ‘your opening’, you have been for years. But today you know through your mind and my testimony that this is the way to your truth. Follow it, trust it and worlds will open to you. The energy that transforms your body is the energy of light, of All That Is. Trust it and it will not fail you. We are all here to help support you in your opening. The spirit is ready to emerge from the sleeping body, which has been its safeguard and cocoon. Now let the butterfly come forth. Peace to you and all you bless.”

I feel that there should be drama in my body after such a miraculous event, but instead I am filled with the most incredible peace, there is such calm in my body. I watched him leave, after touching my head with his hand in blessing, then when I saw him next he was far across the ocean. A speck of orange, he turned and sent me a shock of energy. It is that, that my mind thought I should be feeling and my body did a spontaneous respectful bow and he was gone. And I glimpsed others dispersing across the meadow of grass, that my room overlooks. I am left with the most, full sense of peace within my body, not of the mind, but of the body. My mind keeps saying, “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh”, not knowing what to do with the experience. And yet how true it is … oh, my God!

And all I wanted was to just sit down and read a little overlooking the ocean! I had sat at my altar, that I created and gave honor to Dada, Christ, Swamiji and Rajul. I then picked up my mala beads. With the mala beads wrapped in my hand I sat in the chair and began to read a book that Swamiji had given me. I was reading about, that we create all through our mind and thoughts, when my body started to react with a flow of energy. After several spontaneous mudras, I suddenly sensed a being standing in front of me, in orange robes. I knew he was Eastern, but I did not recognize him or his energy. I usually just sense energy with my mind’s eye and don’t see detail of spirit, but this time I could see his orange robes, his long beautiful dark hair that was in soft ringlets and his handsome face and large framed body. He looked as if he were in his early forties, very handsome and full of a beautiful energy. I then wondered and assumed that he was Dada, as my body automatically went into a bow of respect, as it has done other times when I have felt his energy come to me. It was then that he explained, that he has come to bless me. That I should write, trust and trust what I write. It was then that I scrambled for my pen and paper with the mala beads wrapped around my hand. There is left within me a calm acceptance and fullness, as if this is an everyday occurrence. In my mind, I feel as if there should be drama around my experience. As if my body should be shaking and choruses singing, after receiving a spiritual blessing from a spirit personage, but rather a quiet fullness… what a strange dichotomy!

Oh my… It is continuing!

As I was writing the above I paused and looked out across the ocean and on the horizon I saw a small speck of orange that I sensed was Dada. I honored him with hands in praise at my forehead. My intention was to put my attention back to my writing, when he shot a burst of golden light/energy to me. My hands instinctually rose as if to catch or receive it. I then heard him say, “Yes, those are the chakras not spoken” (referring to the chakras in the palms of my hands) as the energy flowed into them. And then my hands turned to my face. I could feel soft energy, but more so of heat radiating from my palms, as they then turned and scanned my body. As I observed my hands, they then moved outward to form and feel, a ball of energy. My hands, then were drawn together into the praise position, when I heard him say, “There is the drama that you seek.” I sensed some humor and lightness in his message.

My mind keeps repeating, “Oh, my gosh”, not knowing what to do with the experience, but my body is as if it were an everyday occurrence. Which I guess it has been on an energy level, but not with this… added visitation!

Later in the day …

I am still in awe, but also in a quiet acceptance. I or we on some level did set this up. I scheduled this time at the ocean following my visit with Swamiji. Dr. ‘W’ (my chiropractor) knew that this time would be powerful. He said that he wanted to see what my body energy is like when I returned to home. I am full of gratitude for all who support me and my process. When I say that, my mind’s eye goes to the many in my physical life and also those that Dada referred to, those of whom I saw their backs, as they withdrew over the meadow.

It makes me want to be a better person. I get that it’s not just about me, because when I open, it affects the whole. Not that the all are dependent on the one, but we are all connected, part of the all, which is ‘All That Is’ … God.

So, am I to…”Trust?”

Trust, which has been my struggle in life, to know what is creative mind and what is reality. Yet, in my readings I have learned that the mind creates, so perhaps I need to stop the wrestle, see it working together, and to trust. I can still see in my memory his orange robes on the ocean horizon and hear his words, “There is the drama you wanted.” I trust. Thank you!

I am remembering back of Swamiji in Reno, the night of the Krishna celebration. He called ‘C’ and me over to him (‘C’, whom I had just met and we were drawn into a deep conversation). We both bowed in respect and remained lower than his posture sitting on the floor. He then turned to ‘C’ and said, “He is a diamond in the rough.” As he said that, I felt as if I was peering into the love between the both of them. He then turned to me, as I was still bowed and with energy shooting through me, and said,, “This is diamond senior” and then pointing to ‘C’ and saying, “This is diamond junior.” I was embarrassed and said, “Only because of years.” (‘C’ being younger), “No.”, he said, as he continued to look at ‘C’. Then pointing to ‘C’ he continued, “He is connected to me.”, then looking at me said, “But you are connected to my master.” Having said that he dismissed us to eat before the celebration started, we bowed in honor and did as he requested.

His words now drifted back to me as I sat overlooking the meadow and ocean with my pen in my hand, perhaps he knew. There is still so much to write about, concerning my visit with Swamiji. I emailed Rajul some of the details, but I need to write them all.

“Hmmm”, I hear myself say as I now sit and reflect on Swamiji’s words at how Dada is ‘orchestrating’ it all. He was … all of our meeting, our connection and even Dad’s meeting of Rajul, their special connection and Rajul teaching Dad. I will write later, more of the details of our visits and the blessings that have come to us.

September 7, 2007

I’ve been prompted all morning, but the physical is resisting the spiritual and can feel the continual battle, the battle between bondage and freedom and their many children. My desire is there, but not wanting to lose my freedom and myself again and get caught in the guilt of discipline.

I have been prompted to write, to quiet myself. As I have passed by the large picture window overlooking the meadow and ocean. As I have looked out, I have caught glimpses of orange on the ocean horizon. Could it be Dada or my active mind of desire? I write that last phrase and feel like I have betrayed the word,“Trust.” The word has been repeating in my head. Now I hear, “Quiet”, because I feel at war, caught within my mind of ego.

“Quiet”… “Quiet” keeps softly repeating.

In an instant, the orange robe is in front of me again and my hands swiftly and spontaneously raise up in energy and a mudra. A gentle hand reaches out and touches my forehead, and peace flows into me. My head is laid against the orange fabric and is embraced and stroked. A gesture of comfort, and quietness flows into my mind. It felt as if a mother’s touch and I had insight flood my mind of my own mother. My need to be touched as a child and her own unresolved issues and here in the present with my head gently held against orange fabric, experiencing this healing stroke, the touch of love.

The words begin to stream,

“The struggle is yours, the struggle of this so called war of mind, ego and desire. Be loving and patient with yourself, as we are here for you. We will not turn away unless your desire fades. Your desire is the greeter at your door welcoming us. We are only here to serve that which you desire. Be at peace when the struggle of ego comes upon you. I remind you to do your breath connection and you will feel the soft, gentle stroke of a gentle hand that is only filled with love, patience and gentle guidance. The fear of loss is within you, if you choose another way, at that time the gentle hand always awaits. Can the loving mother turn from the confused child in struggle? Not this time. The fear of loss is within… trust. I will develop within you the seed of true freedom and we will watch it grow. Fear not your loss … trust.”

A glowing, orange stone is placed within my chest, “The seed of freedom”, and I feel the desire for connective breath. As I do so, the orange fills my body, peace fills my mind and a quiet is upon me. I see the orange fabric of a man moving away, over land and ocean. My mind begins a wrestle of reality and I hear a quiet yet strong,“Trust.” The mind releases the struggle and a quiet returns to me. I am feeling a gentle pulsing in my forehead, my third eye.

I am then startled by the innkeeper who is at the window delivering my morning juice and muffins; I am now in the physical world again, with awakened eyes and loving the color of orange.

My last day, as I head back to Sacramento and carry the sacred within…

September 8, 2007

(Back in Sacramento) A shower meditation

I drew with my finger in the steam on the shower door, the drawing looked as a root system of a tree with many lines coming to an apex and just a few lines moving vertically upward. And I wrote, “There are many paths, but few to God”.

Later in the day …

I am a little freaked out. I went online to read about Krishna, because Dad and I are going to a Krishna celebration like the one I attended in Reno with Swamiji. So, I thought it might be good to know more about him. I googled Hindu deity, I saw Kali’s name, whom Rajul and Swamiji keep making reference to, with my energy movement. When I started to read about Kali I was turned off, because she has an image of destruction (which I knew from the picture Rajul gave me, but didn’t want to delve any further into it). I think I was avoiding her image, even though Rajul assured me that she is also a loving mother… Just a side note, as I am writing my third eye is beginning to tingle and a pulsing sensation. I told Swamiji about it because as I was driving to see him in Reno, all through the mountains it was doing the same thing (seems like it has been more active the last few months). He quietly said with a smile, “Your third eye is blinking,” and then he let it go. As he often does, he will make a simple comment or statement and then lets it quietly pass. He has a soft sense of humor, which he uses to teach… So back to Kali, I was a little discouraged with them associating me with her, because my experiences are nothing like the image she portrays. So as I continued to read and it seemed like one thing led to another, as if stepping-stones into who she really is. Amongst all the destruction, my reading said that some beliefs say, ‘she represents purity and all things are manifest through her’, which seemed like a positive amongst all the dismal. As I continued to read, it spoke of a word “mokshea”, which there were a few explanations, but summed it up as “the union of all that is, God.” All that is! This is the phrase that keeps coming to me. When a few years back I was driving and had a vision of me in India within a group of people that accepted me and my energy. I at that time heard, “Prepare to receive, All that is”. Years ago when I had my experience with Mom and Christ, I heard again, “Prepare to receive, All that is.” It also has been popping up in my meditations and inspirations, “All that is.” So when I read that Kali is the preparer for mokshea (the union of all that is), my head started to flood with all the thoughts and memories of all that has been coming to me in it’s many forms. But as I continue to read, it gets crazier. As I read further it talked about the symbology: the image of one of her several arms holding a sword, that symbolizes Divine knowledge, and another holding a severed head which represents the human ego. This now continues to amaze me, because a year ago, I was in meditation and I saw myself stab myself. At first it was disturbing to me, but as I pondered I realized that it was an image that I could use to symbolically destroy those parts of myself that did not serve or find useful to me. As of late, I have been using this technique of symbology, a stab to my heart with a downward drag to my midsection. I have been using it to kill my ego. Amazing …Kali’s sword and severed head!

The further I read, the more I was intrigued! In the other hands are mudras; one of her hand mudras meaning peace, benevolence and knowledge and the other hand mudra meaning charity and giving. Only a few people have seen my energy flow, but the mudras or hand gestures just happen as the energy comes through me unconsciously and without thought. I am just the observer of the body and this energy dance of connection. When it is happening it feels like total spiritual bliss.

The mudras flow and I know, that on some level, they have meaning. But I have chosen not to study to keep it out of my logical mind. Also at times, standing or lying I will move into a meditative state and spontaneously my right leg will lift where the toe is pointed down to about mid calf on my leg. Which I now read that Shiva is imaged this way in divine dance, showing his disconnection from the physical world or plane … more craziness!

So my head is spinning and I am a little in overwhelm with all that I have read and the way it has been correlating in my life the last few years. I am in awe! This certainly is bigger than me, perhaps the shedding of the unconscious into something; but what? I am surely grounded in my humanness and I’m not sure I can release control to receive or be willing to lose my freedom. That is my struggle, which is why on my trip Dada placed the orange stone within my heart, to use my connective breath, to expand the orange and build on my desire, so I can let go of this dance of struggle. My struggle of even contemplating this loss of my freedom, it is huge for me to consider the potential loss. I know that it doesn’t make sense and is a dichotomy, because part of me is willing to release and let go to receive. I will need to use my connective breath and the orange, gifted stone to avoid this struggle, as I see it. Apparently, others have seen it before me, or else why the gift? I am spinning with all the connective thoughts and how it has played out in my life without my conscious orchestration, but one of a higher purpose. And yet, for what purpose?

I was told, “Desire, is the greeter at the door.” Perhaps God is waiting for me to only but desire, so to give. I am full! Thank you.

A shower Meditation…

I write the word ego with my finger in the steam and hear …

“Ego is the identity of the self to the physical: a false sense of self, purpose and power. Its use is to navigate and survive the physical plane. Ego is used until one can become aware of the higher self and purpose.”

September 12, 2007

Shower meditation…

I was sending energy to J. , another devotee of Swamiji in Reno, whom I met and had a special energy connection. I was asking and praying for her and the healing of some her physical discomforts, it was then I began to question myself, “Why am I praying and asking, when God already knows? It feels like I am telling the All Knowing what to be aware of and what to do.”

And a lesson followed,

The Heavens respect the freedom of choice so much that they will not interfere and are waiting for our requests and prayers; this opens the door of opportunity for which they are waiting, the opportunity to help and inspire. What a valuable lesson of the worth of free agency and prayer.

September 14, 2007

Dada has asked me to write …

Just came home after a long ordeal with an out of town wedding. I haven’t slept much for a few days and my Dada calls to me… I kept being drawn to my altar that has a picture of him on it. As I sit in front of the altar I focus on him, and the other pictures of Swamiji and Rajul, of Christ and Kali. I keep focusing on each of the pictures, but keep coming back to his. It is a picture that I haven’t really appreciated, but love it out of respect. It shows him later in his life wearing glasses, which you cannot see, both eyes, only one eye. As I focus in him, I begin to “Om” and my body begins to flow with energy (Right now my third eye is so awakened, it is tingling, pulsating and vibrating) and as I continue to focus on his picture, the eye that is half open becomes my focus. And I feel a connection with him. I feel more and more of a streaming connection of love. I then with my energy began to focus on the joint picture of Swamiji and Rajul and my body spontaneously took on a blessing posture of hands pressed together and at my forehead, as I did blessings for them. It was then, that I flashed on the lesson of the other day. Why and who am I to bless and pray for another when they have their own connection to God? Who am I to ask God to bless someone, as if the Divine doesn’t know their own needs? I now am beginning to see even more clearly and understand that it is in the focus and asking that allows. Allowing to step in, the hosts of assistants, guardians or we call ‘angels’. We are given the gift of freedom, which is so highly respected, that it is only in our asking that allows the angels to move into action. I now feel such a value for prayer and for this wonderful gift of freedom, which is so highly respected, above all else. A flash of fire flashes through my body and I am tingling. Tears of gratitude flow for the newly appreciated gift, which has been before me for so many years. The gift that I have struggled in fear, afraid to give away to someone else, the fear of lost freedom. That which is so highly respected.

Thank you for my gift of choice. Thank you, Christ, for the gift of freedom. Thank you, Kali for Divine knowledge. Thank you, Dada for orchestrating my teachings. Thank you, Swamiji for connecting me to my roots. Thank you, Rajul for the Divine Mother’s love. Thank you, Eternal One, that is awakened within this body of dust, me. Thank you! For I love you all and ask blessings for us all!

Earlier I was told to write, I gave some resistance, and then focused and was blessed with the knowledge of the gift of freedom. I am but a child, learning to trust in the submission is this gift … freedom!

I am overtaken with tears, for in my head I keep hearing repeat, “You are forgiven.” Which is the gift of Christ, the ultimate gift of freedom.

Arising not of my mind, I am told to bear witness of the Christ. I have been on the floor in the prostrate position with my hands in the prayer position over my head in honor and praise, to the blue Flame of Christ. The same light blue flame that appeared to me two years ago with the visitation of Mom and the same light blue flame that appeared to me three years earlier, that awakened again my belief in Christ. The same Christ that told me tonight, “All is forgiven” in His presence, “All is forgiven in My presence.” “All is forgiven in My presence.” How sweet the words of His kind, masculine voice.

My hands were in an outstretched praise position, when I heard His voice. I was washed with warmth and tingling that flooded my body. It was then that my body automatically responded and bent over to the floor with hands in praise over my head. Tear filled, I give thanks! Christ, who blesses, forgives and appears… to whom, others view as unforgivable, who is not worthy to be in His presence, me.

“Forgiveness is for all who humble themselves and ask, and in the humility is the asking.”

“Kindness and love is the key to the door and desire is the greeter.”

“Prepare yourself to receive, All That Is.”

I now bear witness of the ‘living Christ’ that has not only taught, but given me His ultimate gift … Freedom. He, who came to fulfill the hunger of the law, that we might be filled with His gift … Freedom! Christ whom, to me, is the Blue Flame of Freedom!

“All is forgiven in My presence.” I will always remember His, kind and loving voice. The voice of freedom!

I give thanks and praise. (My crown chakra is wide open, my third eye is vibrating and pulsating … I feel awake!)

The same night …

How can one just get up and go about one’s life after an experience like this?

“You don’t, you carry it with you.”

The same feeling of peace is within my body as in the other experiences of great magnitude of my past. I would think that my world should stop, that I should be quaking, but instead filled with a deep assuredness. Yet, I have a sense of everydayness, and left with the lingering of a deep assuredness as my head is wide open with energy.

“Go about your life, it is a blessing not a disruption. Go about your life and know.”

September 16, 2007

After waking….

I am having more desire for the Divine than the television as of late. I went to bed without the companionship of the television and awoke without the desire to turn it on (as is my normal routine). I’ve laid here in bed thinking of Rajul and my e-mail to her last night (as I am writing my third eye is pulsating). I am so hungry to feel her energy, to bless her and share the love. I will miss the union of all three of us together, in the absence of Swaimiji. But who knows, perhaps we will all be together even as Rajul was with Swamiji and I in Reno. Today I had a strong desire to read the writings from the other night about my visitation and blessing from Christ. I am filled with awe…the words don’t give the experience the justice or convey what took place. Perhaps these writings are meant for me to have the experiences, to help prime the pump, to help open me up and then to inspire me again with the feelings that are carried within me after the experiences.

I was just told to gather my objects of desire, to focus and to write. I have gathered (what I will call my scarf of fire) the temple scarf that Swamiji gave me at our last session, my mala beads that Swamiji and Ram Dass each gave me, my crystal that I have had for years, and Rajul’s kali pendant. I have gathered my mini alter around me on my bed as I lay back and start to relax into a focus …

Scary images are coming into my mind. I hear an inward voice,

“And how do they make you feel?” They make me feel fearful, questioning, and unsure of the sources.

“These images are given to you to let you know that the Divine does not come with fear. The Divine comes with love and only love, for nothing else can exist in the presence of love. Love is the strongest of all emotion. It is more than an emotion. What we call love is a true force. A force that is not just spirit or emotion, but it is a physical force. One in which all is built upon. The love force is the nature of God, whom is the force of the universe, the source of all (my third eye is so awake). Yes, it is the source of all. So when we love or use love it is the vehicle of God, because it is God. For it is the light that holds All That Is. Your mind desires deeper knowledge, but it is beyond your comprehension at this time. So trust that which is given, ponder it and you will receive in small amounts. The Heavens are pleased with your willingness to be open and receive. Hold true to your course and all will be given to you in time.”

“You asked earlier if I, Dada, could help you to know the difference between mind and Spirit. And thus, it is through your mind and body that we can work with you. The mind is creative, but you can feel the sensations in your body, the vibrating and the pulsating. These sensations are only a condition that comes with love. The spirit of love is present and it permeates everything, but when awakened within the body, the chakras or energy centers are open to receive. The newly awakened third eye, which has increased in its openness the last few months, is due to all your work of clearing energy from your body; the layers of pain that have been held in your body from your past. It is through your body that we communicate and that you can trust. When the third eye is present, you will know that the connection is open and that love is flowing. It is all love. Love is the building force of all creation. Love and freedom is the basis of this world in which you are learning. It is the lesson of this habitat.”

How can I tell who is helping me, you Dada, or the others whom have come with you?

“Does it matter by which name we are called? When all have the same focus or intention, we are all serving one Master, one source of love. All cultures have many images, but there is only one source of the true Divine, the source of all life, the source of eternal life. The source of love, God: the Supreme, the Beautiful, the Life Giver and the Life Taker. The One, that knows all and the One that is the bearer of All That Is. Yes, All That Is. You have been questioning the meaning of All That Is. It is the blessing of nirvana, the blissful state of no need, no desire; because you are filled with All That Is and being in that state there is nothing more, a state of God. It is only given in a state of love and gratitude. When one is ready to receive it, it is a blessing. Yes, you have felt a blissful state but this is beyond the state of bliss. It is the eternal state of God.”

How does one prepare to receive All That Is?

“Through continued openness and desire …

Desire is the greeter at the door. Love and kindness is the key to the door; the door is the physical world. The key is inserted (your opening), and turned only through the practice of gratitude. And beyond the door is, All That Is. It will be yours upon this path.”

“Prepare to receive All That Is. It is your blessing from All That Is. Yes, the state of God to return to from which you have flowed, the gift of God. Namaste, blessings, you are full. You asked early on this morning. You asked, and so it was given.’’

After falling asleep…

“All is not lost when the body and earthly are present. You needed time to assimilate. It is wasted energy to beat oneself with the natural state. You live in the natural state or earth state. The earth state must be satisfied also, to receive the spirit. Go forth and ponder.”

September 18, 2007

A wrestle with an angel…

I’m very, very tired. I sit here with zero amount of energy. I ask if DaDa has turned his back, because I feel all alone and not feeling any connection to Spirit. (After dealing with an employee’s misdirected anger)

“Your body is tired and your soul is sleeping. Forgiveness is the act of letting go; letting go of one’s perceptions of a situation. It is only through one’s own view and perspective that one has judgment. You fear my judgment and fear that that I will turn away. When in reality it is you who has turned his back. I am constant, but you fluctuate in desire and discipline.”

You sound upset, because I didn’t heed and chose to turn on the television.

“It is acceptable, because you have your gift of freedom or choice. You are like Christ’s disciples who slept in the garden while He suffered for all mankind. You have choice and with choice, come the consequences “

I am disappointed because I viewed you and the Spiritual as always willing, even when I am not on track. I am so exhausted … so if I excuse myself… would you turn off the flow of energy?

“Again, it is you that turn and determine the flow. Every action has a reaction. Sleep. I am like the Sun, constant.”

I am so exhausted that I need to lie down to write. I really feel an awkwardness of what feels like disagreement. I just don’t want to feel trapped into having to do everything that Dada request of me and the penalty of the energy flow turned off if I don’t.

So I sat back down and focused some energy with my connective breath. And a jolt of energy finally came, with the words, “I needed to know if you were dedicated” he then touched my head, as a blessing and sign of love.

I am still uneasy with the thought that the flow is predicated on my actions. Dada said it is I, I am the one determining my flow. He said, it is I that is stopping the flow.

I am falling asleep as I write … I need rest. I am Concerned.

September 22, 2007

It has been a few days since my energy wrestle with Dada, as I call it. It is clear now, I do determine the energy flow. He said he is as ‘constant as the Sun’ and it is I that regulates the connection. This journey sounds so unbelievable!

The next morning I woke up in connection as if nothing had happened, the flow was there and Dada was present. I took some time before work. While sitting on the floor in front of my altar in communication and flow, I saw the hand of Dada. His hand reached for my forehead with his pointing finger extended. I thought that he was blessing me with a touch, as he did the night before. His touch was to my third eye, but to my amazement his finger touched and penetrated my skin and skull. He then ever so gently began to mold a hollow recess in my forehead, where my third eye rests. He was molding the tissue as if it were clay in his hands. He created a hole or hollow recess. I then observed a clear faceted stone or jewel was being placed into the recess. And my third eye was so awakened, it was pulsating, as I have been experiencing for the last few months. But it was now magnified! As I mentioned it has been a few days since I have been able to write, because of my exhausting work schedule. But since the insertion, my third eye has been so awake, physically throbbing and pulsating. I am so curious to what he is leading me to. Because now my crown chakra has begun to pulsate and tingle as my third eye started with its awakening. But now my third eye is so awake, if I bring my attention to it I can feel the pulsing energy.

So in Mendocino, Dada gave me an orange stone or jewel that he placed in my heart chakra, now a clear faceted stone or jewel for my third eye and now my crown chakra is pulsating. What is next? It seems that he is awakening my chakras, my mind asks, “For what end?” For the purpose of more pure energy flow, to live more connected or could it even be in preparation to receive, All That Is? He gave me the orange stone to help me be connected and to develop my desire (for I was wrestling with losing my freedom, a theme of late). I can honestly say that I do struggle with the issue of freedom, but I can feel the scale tipping. I desire connection to Spirit over the freedom of the physical. Even this morning, I wanted to write but I wrestled some with the desire to watch some television and let my mind and body relax after a horrendous two weeks of work without a day off. My first day off in a awhile and just letting down, and so I did. Sitting here as I write of the past and feel my third eye pulsing, but sense not Dada.

“I am here, even as the Sun. you needed some time to yourself to catch up, to connect and to ponder all that has transpired the last few days. I am proud of your growth and devotion to our connection, and am so pleased that you have received your jewels of connection thus far. Yes, Guru Prem, I am preparing you for more, much more, which at this time you are not ready to have revealed. For you are not ready to hear or accept what is in your future. Even now your mind questions this, ‘my reality’. But you can feel the pulse of your gift in your forehead. You are becoming who you are. We all have the gifts to transcend the physical reality. For you are much, much more than what you perceive.

All people everywhere are the receivers of awaiting gifts. If they only open and see the true reality, the reality of the union of Spirit and the physical. Do not doubt your ability to transcend, for you have and are uniting, in the marriage. You will find the bliss of All That Is. It awaits you and will be your final gift. The gift that awaits all that come with a heart open and filled with love, your willingness is the key to this door. You now struggle, but look at the so-called scale of desire, it tips in the direction of true freedom. The freedom to receive, the freedom of All That Is. Peace to you and know that the love of God flows through me to you and the world is blessed because of this flow. Let your new gifts guide you, open your future and bless your world. For all is love and love is the breath of God. Receive His breath.’’ (My body is jolting with energy in response to his last words)

Some time passes….

I lay here on the bed wrapped in my temple scarf, my mala beads and with my pulsing third eye. I am so in awe and in overwhelm of mind, questioning my sense of reality. Some would wonder if I am walking a path of psychosis. But it feels so lucid and the reality of Dada is so clear, so real, and so believable. I cannot turn from this path. For the path is so real to me and I know it is shared by Swamiji, Rajul and others. It is a reality, not of the norm, but what an adventure!

Dada is right I am not ready, look at me still questioning. But I also know that I am on a path that only I can walk with the guidance of those of another reality. As he said, it is in the marriage of the two realities that I will receive. My scale has tipped, as I still feel my third eye pulsing. Thank you, to those who are as constant as the Sun!

September 24, 2007

Dada, I feel a fullness of gratitude for all of your virtues in working with me. Your patience as I remain the maverick not wanting to be tamed. For your orchestrating all the events that make this come to be. I am continually amazed at all the connections. My sight is heightened and can see your hand in it all. I am amazed at your steadfastness when I am bumping up against you. Your humor, I love it when I hear you say, “But heneeds much discipline.” And for you being the mystery that opens doors and chakras. I am full of gratitude for you.

September 27, 2007

“Heal Rajul, Heal Rajul, Heal Rajul”, with each mala bead passed through my fingers holds a blessing to Rajul, as I drive from Berkeley to Sacramento after spending five wonderful hours with my teacher, friend and sister, Rajul, and the wife of Swamiji. I have such a love and respect for her. I can hardly believe our experience together. The energy is still flowing as I drive and hold my mala and send love and blessings to her. I can feel a connection of energy with the beautiful rolling, golden hills and trees gripping their earthen sides, in the warm light of dusk. As I speed past in connection of all that took place; a connection of love and Spirit, a connection of two worlds.

I met Rajul and greeted her with flowers in her hotel lobby. I gifted her with orange roses, the roses signifying love. The orange color, because those are the color of his robes, that Dada wears when he comes to me. We embraced with a gentle jolt of energy shooting through me. I was reserved with my flow, because we were in public. So there in the lobby we sat and had some catching up conversation, until we decided to have lunch at a Mediterranean restaurant within walking distance. I could see in Rajul’s countenance that she was still recovering from a serious illness that almost took her life earlier this spring. We had an enjoyable lunch over some casual conversation and it was when I started to share a few experiences about Dada that she suggested that we return to her hotel room because she was anxious to connect with him. As we walked back in the cool, warmth of autumn, I shared with her my experience of seeing Dada, while at the coast. I told her of his blessing me with his hand on my head and began to describe him: his age, his handsome features and build, the orange robes and long, wavy, masculine hair and trimmed beard of dark hair. As I was describing him I noted a look of question on her face. For what I was describing was different from the picture of Dada that I have at home on my altar. We continued walking and sharing, making a detour to feed the parking meter for my car. We arrived at the small room of the older Durant Hotel. She was so endearing as she described the hotel as ancient (meaning old) with her East Indian head wobble. That head movement I fell in love with as I traveled to India on business, years ago. Whenever I see Indian people here in the U.S. I always look to see if the movement is there and when it is, it brings a warm smile. The gesture is so endearing to me.

There is certainly a connection with Rajul and Swamiji, I am sure that we have traveled time together, because it feels like I am already one of their family, even to the extent of sharing more private feelings, which I admire her trust level in me already. When I told her of my admiration of her trust, she said, “You are family, why would I not share with you.” It made me feel warm and even closer to her. A closeness that was contagious. It made me want to open up and share myself with her, but there was no time, our time was short and five hours seemed to pass so quickly. We would be sharing and then move to something else, hardly able to finish all our stories to completion. When we entered the room I found a small chair in the corner by the bed and I let her sit on the bed, because it seemed more intimate of her son and her sleeping space. I laid out the temple scarf and a few of my treasures from my altar, which might bless our “satsang”, as she called it. She loved the cluster picture frame holding the pictures of Christ , Kali, the post –it from last year’s visit in which Swamiji had written the om sign, the date, and my new name that he then gave me, Guru Prem, and of course a picture of our beloved Dada. She touched each picture as in a blessing and at the same time as if drawing energy and blessings from them. I have come to observe and love how she is more physical in her praise and in gathering blessings through the tactile touch of objects that are endearing to her. I’m not sure if it is just Rajul or if it is cultural, but I love the sense that she has, as if the object carries energy (which I believe it does).

I have not even gotten to the meat of our visit and already my hand is giving out from writing. And even the stick of incense that I had lit, at the instruction of Rajul, is long out, but the exotic smell of India lingers in my room.

It did not take much time for the energy to begin to flow as she admired the pictures and blessed them with her touch. The energy started to flow through me, small jolts of energy manifesting in hand mudras and then building and gripping me with intensity through my body into full body mudras. The energy flowed through my body and creating those movements and gestures, which feel sacred and ancient to me. A configuration or dance of postures, or what I just came to realize, that they are full body mudras. I am only the observer, as I watch my body move to the flow of energy; sometimes in quick jolts that move through my body and out my hands, then other times in fluid movement of a dance quality. There are also times when the energy is so strong and so intense coming through me that it doubles me over, until there is a sharp blast or release. My body doesn’t feel bad or abused, just in awe at the strength and intensity. It often feels atomic as if my body would explode from the amount of energy flowing through it. Like I said, I feel only like the observer of the flow and yet strangely at the same time still connected and feeling the dance of energy within and expressed through me. My body was in extreme flow as it was in Reno with my visit with Swamiji, and in fact as it has been whenever I sit with him and Rajul.

I think she saw it as a flow from Heaven and wanted to share in the flow. (Even As I write I can feel the flow stir, small contractions in my torso or solar plexus. If I focused on it would grow into full body expression, but it is my desire to write of my visit with my beloved Rajul). There with Rajul, the force of the energy was strong and flowing freely and we both knew that Dada was present. In fact the phrase, “Little One” kept repeating in my head as it had started doing about a day before our visit. I shared that with Rajul and it was at that time that she started connecting with Dada through me, she was speaking in Hindi praises and love for her beloved Dada. It was surreal; it seemed like the three of us were in conversation for hours. She would ask questions of Dada through me and I would share the thoughts that came into my mind. We discussed and shared conversations between ourselves for literally a few hours. She asked at one point, if she was to start her new work or path. Dada’s response came through strong, that she should continue to feed the children. She said to him that if she were to do so, she would need to be healthy and asked if she would be blessed with health. He said, “That she should wait six months to gather her energy before going to his home town to the children.” I could see the disappointment in her countenance. She shared that she had planned to go there, but said she would wait for six months if Dada said to do so.

I kept seeing what appeared to be a small wooden stool or table that belonged to Dada, but Rajul could not remember anything by that description. It seemed that he would use it to sit, but Rajul could not seem to place it. She did say that there was a small wooden table that he used as an alter. The impression that I got was that he wanted her to be with it, to use it and something about to look at the underside. But she could not place it and it all seemed to me a little unclear. At that point she again asked about her health. It seemed that there were several topics being discussed and going on at one time, and we seemed to bounce between them back and forth. She then came on very strong and said that if she was to stay and do his work that she must be healthy. With that the energy began to build within me. The flow became strong and my body started doing full body mudras. In fact, I remember my right leg pulling up with the toes pointed downward (I have experienced this on many occasions and recently learned that it is a pose depicted of Krishna, showing his disconnection from earth and his balance between Heaven and Earth). At one point my hands were extended out and Rajul placed her hands on mine and the intensity became so strong that it felt like my body could tear apart (even though I knew I was safe). But she stayed connected to my hands while my body convoluted with the energy. It was at some point that there was a strong burst of energy that passed through me and seemed to separate us with its explosion of intensity. After that there were more fluid movements, in which my thumb became extended and in perfect timing she moved forward and my thumb rested on her third eye (seemed to flow without words and seemed so natural). It seems to me that a blessing was being given, then the energy waned and the words came through, “It is given.” She was blessed with health, but again it was stressed that she needed to wait for six months. He said that during that time as a token that a woman would come to her and she would open a door for Rajul’s new path. Rajul asked if she would be a white woman or and Indian, and the reply was that she would be an Indian, and that she would know it and that she should be open. I then began to feel some hesitation in sharing with Rajul what came to me. My mind stepped in and started to question saying, “Who am I to be telling my teachers what to do?” Rajul encouraged me to share all that came to me and to let it flow through me. So with her encouragement, I did. Dada told me many things, he said that Swaimiji would travel to the north, that there was an ashram of a master that was waiting and he had something for him (it seemed to me that it was a piece to help Swamiji achieve another level). It seems that what comes to me is multi-leveled and I was not able to share it all with Rajul, because we were off to the next experience. Rajul asked, “Which ashram?” and she named many, but it came through clearly when she said one of the names that it was the correct ashram. It seemed that we had been barraged by a lot at one time and the exact sequence might be a little off, but the most of the content is here.

This went on for what seemed hours, where the energy and conversation would wane and then it would pick up again. At another point, Rajul asked if Swaimji and her son would be alright, for there had been some disagreement of ideas. Dada seemed to find this amusing. I could feel such a joy swell up within me and it seemed that I was smiling from ear to ear. And it was then that the words flowed, “Did we not fight and still love?” She also enjoyed his words and then re-counted the times she had (her words) “acted as a child.” It seemed so natural, the flow of conversation and sharing. As if all three of us were in the room, the two of them sharing and her including me into their stories, all three of us sharing and talking with each other. As I write and re-count our time together, I am touched again to observe to what great depths her love for Dada was and still is. We discussed her son and his living in the western culture. It seemed that whenever a thought or blessing would come through me about him it was to the left of Rajul… My body would react to the thoughts, of her son, with mudras directed to that area. Several times during our visit, blessings, thoughts and concerns were directed to that area. I could feel within me a love and concern, yet with a confidence that he would be well. Dada impressed that he needed to safeguard his values. Rajul asked about the girl that he was dating, if she was the one he should marry? Dada responded by saying that there were several that he could choose and be happy with, but that he should safeguard his values and follow his heart and he would be guided to the one to marry. What also came though was that her son should show respect to Swaimiji and for his traditional values. And his words flowed, “But when are there not some challenges between father and son and mother and daughter, but it is in the challenge, that love, allows such freedom of exchange”. There seems at times such a direct channel from Dada through my writings from him, a clarity and wisdom that surpasses my thought patterns.

I am getting a sense to e-mail Swaimiji. To share and express my love to him, so I will have to continue later with my account of my visit with my beloved Rajul in Berkeley.

It is now later, in fact a week has passed since I was last writing, when I was impressed to e-mail Swaimiji. When at the computer, I noticed that Rajul had written and I responded to her with love and gratitude for all that I was writing. I then e-mailed Swaimiji and as I did, the love flowed with such gratitude. I love them both.

The incense has filled my room that Rajul gifted me during our visit, during one of the waning times of energy. During those times we would talk and share. She shared stories of her and Dada. One story of when Dada told her to climb to the top of a near by mountain, on which there was an altar of Kali at the top. And when she reached the top she was so filled with spirit that she danced. And while her journey down she came upon an old holy man that beckoned to her. And she went to him, she again being filled with such spirit that she danced in her joy. She shared stories of having tea with Dada. She shared that she was so naive, she did not realize the honor that was bestowed upon her to have tea with her master. I also shared, the story of when I was at the coast and when Dada came to me and placed the orange stone within my heart chakra to help create desire, and also the experience of the stone being inserted into my third eye. After she listened to these stories she got up and produced a small cloth bag in which she then poured out small stones onto the bed. She placed a smoky clear crystal in my palm and asked if it felt as to be for me. It was pulsing in my hand, but I then eyed, a orange stone on the bed that was speaking or calling to me. I was perplexed, wasn’t responding to the stone in my hand as I was to the orange one on the bed. How do I receive the stone that was intended for me, that was calling to me (I even had Dada encouraging me to ask for it). I did not want to offend or appear ungrateful in her offer. Finally I summoned enough courage to speak my desire. I could even at that time see how the lesson was multi-layered. And when I said to her that there was a stone that was speaking to me, she with pleasure placed the small orange stone in my palm and when she did electricity went through me and I went into extreme reaction. My palms flew together, with both stones pressed between my palms, and I was in tremendous flow of energy of which she took part. We shared the energy and when it waned she took the smoky crystal and said with a smile “This will be mine.” The stones were amazing and the reaction so intense. She then sorted through the stones pressing one to my third eye chakra and finding a stone for each chakra and one for Dad’s healing, after going through an eye surgery. I was full of so much gratitude I thanked her and the room was filled with love.

Rajul let me know that it was her teatime and invited me to join her, so we took a break and she prepared her traditional Chai tea. She apologized for it not being as hot as it should be. But I saw the beauty in the gift, for she had educated me earlier with her story of her and Dada. So I heard and saw the honor of the tea with my beloved Rajul. So we sat and sipped our tea and as we did I saw a beautiful Indian woman (almost maiden in appearance) sitting behind Rajul. I was taken with her grace and beauty and her adoring nature towards Rajul. It was like she was stroking Rajul’s energy. I was told that she was a blessing or gift, and was given to give care and watch over Rajul’s health. When I shared with Rajul what I saw, she was so joyful and grateful to have her. Rajul asked if she had a name. I kept getting something, but could not quite get my tongue around it. I wanted to say something like Miriam and yet I knew that it wasn’t the name (names are so hard for me) So Rajul started naming off some names she went through several names and when she said one I said that it was the one. Rajul was so delighted, because it was the name of a goddess that Rajul’s mother use to call her for fun. She seemed so thrilled and grateful to have her caring for her.

We continued to share thoughts and stories, some in which Rajul shared revealed how playful she was towards Dada. She related that it wasn’t the usual student/ teacher relationship, but she was more of a daughter to him.

At some point in our conversation it turned to when Dada appeared to me on the coast in his orange robes. It was then that she shared that it was not Dada, but the handsome man in orange robes was King Solomon himself. Two things took me back: first, who am I to be visited by a biblical character, such as Solomon. And secondly, I felt that it was Dada. She shared with me that the trident that Dada use to gaze at and worship all day was that of Solomon’s. That he actually worshipped and paid homage to Solomon of the Old Testament. She seemed confident and delighted that the master and the student are now one. I was not just a little bewildered and overwhelmed with the concept, but in wonder and awe, and to through into the mix, I had a lot of questions. I did see others leave over the meadow at the coast, when I saw the orange robed personage leave. Later after the visit with Rajul, I did ask how would I know if it was he (Dada) or someone else and the response was, “Does it matter we are all working as one.” Perhaps Rajul was right, but it was hard to wrap my thoughts around at the time. I was in awe and still am. It sounds so wild, so crazy: stones, personages and an electric explosive energy filled with love! I think it is easier for Rajul, it is more plausible, because of her culture and upbringing embraces these things. I feel like Columbus, in seeing the new land and wondering, could it be? Wondering and yet a little off in his perceptions, but the land could not be denied even as my experiences cannot be denied.

So what does that mean Solomon coming to me, Christ coming to me … who am I? For I am nobody, my mind still cannot come to terms with it, but I just keep following my path. I have no choice anymore. Oh I have free will, but at what cost? To have the emptiness after being so full, what a price! How could I survive without my connection, without these writings and all the adventure? Could I possible simply go back to going to work and then to come home and watch television to only wake up to the television and start the day again and then for it to end in television (sounds so simple and easy, said with a smile).

But once one has journeyed far enough down the path, is there any going back? And again when Columbus was at the end when no land was in sight, go back to his old teachings that the world was flat? And so I guess I am like an explorer on the edge of a flat world. What will I find? Will I be classified as crazy, delusional? Or am I where others have stood before they received … All That Is?

September 28, 2007

A shower meditation…

Writing with my finger in the steam, Thank you…

“Gratitude, is the turning force of the key”

And then focusing on Rajul’s son:

“Protect his values, his connection with God, and he will find his balance.”

September 29, 2007

It is 5:00 am, I have been working long days with few hours sleep. But I awoke to give thanks and was told to write…

“Awake and go forth for you are blessed even as you work. Breathe into your orange stone and you will connect even as you work. Namaste.’’

October 2, 2007

Its 5:03 am, Dada has awakened me early and has told me that if I write, and tells me that he will bless me in not being tired through the day. My mind is so clear with only having had four hours sleep and just waking up. The past couple of nights I have been very concerned because I have felt something in my house that sends my hairs on end, not in a good way.

DaDa, will you tell me if this is just my imagination or is there something to concern me?

“You are still very young in your process of becoming your full self. It is only when you are mature that you will see and hear with such clarity that you will have no doubt. What you feel is real. There is a mischievous energy playing with your mind. It will not hurt you, but you must eliminate it on the earth plane. It is through your act that it must obey. I can dismiss it, but what purpose would that serve you? You must learn to encounter and deal with all energies. The earth plane is full of energies of the past, what will be and what is now. The energy senses your openness and has chosen to play with your expression.”

I don’t like my house being open to others. I would like it closed. Open to only you, high energy of light and those who are for my growth, evolution and well-being. Is there a filter that will keep my house safe? During my writing I heard Dada in humor ask, “How will you get in if I close your house to only beings of light?” Yes Dada, I do enjoy your humor!

“Serious matter, serious mind … you can safeguard your home as you have been taught; the interior perimeter walk with sage and let your intention, command be known, saying it with the authority of your heritage on the energy of Christ, light and the Divine. It will banish and keep your home closed to only those who are for your opening and high purpose. It is good that you have lit the incense. It shows your intention. Anything that is done with intention sends out creative energy on the physical and nonphysical planes. For the universe is all creative matter. We are all creating with every thought, act and intention. Your fears create, your joys create, and your internal desires create. Yes, even as you have heard that information is coming forth to awaken the minds of mankind. The East has been long aware. The universe is the clay, the desire is the vision of the artist, and the shaping and forming of the clay is the time, intentions and the dance. The finished product is up to the artist. The universe is creative energy.”

“Yes, you do have a cold, you can ease it with tea and eating light; it will pass quickly, for you are blessed. Your workday awaits you, there is time, more teaching to follow. Enjoy the energy of your day. You are the artist … what will it be? Go create with the universal, creative energy, Namaste.”

Thank you DaDa, Namaste.

October 3, 2007

Yesterday, I was filled with a new stress. Elizabeth called me with the news that she has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I am very concerned, because it feels like it might transition her from this life. I sense that it will. She has told me on many occasions that she is ready to leave. I hope that I can be there for her and have some support. Yesterday, I went to see her and could sense her worry, but I didn’t know what to say and kind of shut down. During our visit a large jolt came through me with the thought that she needed to bless her body and give thanks for her uterus (they are talking removal). To give thanks for how it has served her and blessed her with her children. I shared it with her and she liked the idea of creating a ritual out of the process of a possible hysterectomy.

I am out of time I must get ready for work, but thank you Dada and Universe … all is amazing.

October 4, 2007

I just woke up, and it’s a little harder to get going. I have had only a few hours of sleep each night due to my work schedule. My body feels exhausted, but I was told to write and I would be blessed. It is so amazing how my world has changed. The television is off and all I desire is connection. I don’t think I could go back to the routine that I had before Reno. When I was given the orange stone at the coast it was to create desire. And desire is what I have. A desire to be connected and to feel the energy flow that has given me a sense of calm, peace and awareness. Life without it would now be dull for my senses. Yesterday, was a very stressful day at work and I lost some of that feeling of connection. As I was driving and running some errands, I asked to feel the connection. I thought that my request went unheard. But shortly later I started to feel the tingling sensation in my third eye, which began to grow into the band that wrapped my head. It is so exciting to be working or going about my day and feel the new eye, the band and know, that the connection is there. Two days ago I was given a new gift; my third eye energy has evolved. For the past few weeks my third eye has been pulsing, tingling and throbbing, and the other morning the sensation was strong and it began to widen or elongate as to wrap around my head. The sensation was as if I was wearing a hat that was too tight and pressing around my head. It was so AMAZING to feel it spread and wrap my head. No imagination was there; it was so physical that I could not question it. My mind could not even try to excuse it as, “just me being creative”. The band stayed with me for quite a while and then with my busy work schedule it began to dissipate. Throughout the day I would feel the band kick in, it felt like a reminder of my connection. I was told that it was a new way of feeling the connection of spirit; a more subtle way. It feels to me, that I am being refined and going through an evolutionary process. With the teaching of the band came this awareness, that during my opening I needed the strength of the body jolts. My mind could not excuse those or rationalize them away, because of the degree of their physicalness. Now I am being given a new connection, more subtle to feel in the world as I move about with people. The Band, as I call it, actually it is like a halo and I am beginning to understand the band that artists have been depicting for centuries. As I questioned the other morning I was told that some artists have also been connected and understood. And that others were just told about the band of light or energy and thus it became depicted as the ‘halo’. Growing up I have been told that it was the only way an artist could depict a “holy person”. But now I know it goes much further. And just to let it be known, that I am not, and certainly by far, not a holy person (spoken with a half smile and a great portion of seriousness).

October 5, 2007

And so I write …

I‘ve hit the snooze on my alarm a couple of times. Now focusing on my mini writing altar on the bed beside me: pen, paper, my personal crystal, mala beads, pendant, and my temple scarf encircling them. I awake and all is present to respond to “Write”. It is amazing, because I can be so tired, hitting the snooze button, but with pen in hand clarity comes quickly.

“Steadfast, the ability to stay focused in one’s surrounding/environment. Stay steadfast and blessings will flow even as clarity flows to the sleepy mind. Blessings will flow if you can stay focused during this difficult time. It is in the open channel that intentions can be manifest easily. Breathe and focus and the habit will not be broken. And in that connection is the ease of blessings flowing to you; in all aspects of your life, from health, endurance, mental abilities and haloed spiritual intentions. Stay steadfast in your values and intentions. “We are giving you that needed discipline” (said in humor). Go forth and know that the blessings flow and we are near. Namaste”

October 9, 2007

It is before my alarm and I am awakened with choices. I am not sure if this is a test, but I chose to have the connection with Dada and to write. I told them that my mind was groggy and I was told that clarity would come … and so it has. My third eye chakra is awaking also, I can feel the pulsing and the vibration. I ask, “What is the direction or instruction for this session?” The word, “Trust” comes into my mind.

“Trust is one of the key foundation blocks in the foundation of love and spiritual connection. Trust in self, in the ability to connect, in the connection, and in the information and experience. Faith and trust are key and one of the beginning blocks laid in a strong foundation. And so you have begun to share with others, be careful to whom you share. For your foundation is being laid and your trust and faith are easily shaken. All will come to pass, when the building will be unveiled for all to see. But now is the time for the work of a sure hand and a work of a devoted heart in laying the beginning of what is to come. Let the planning of The Architect unfold and all will see the skill, beauty and grace of His purpose. His love or purpose is for the building of a house in which He can reside, a house of God.”

“You question the source from this direction …

It is the same Source that laid the foundation of the Earth and the Heavens. It is the same Source that breathes life into all creation. It is the same Source of All That Is. It Is, All That Is. For I AM, I AM the Foundation of The World. The Source of All That Is. For I Am the Beginning and the End, and the Life and Love of All Existence. I Am, that I Am … I AM.”

“Yes, some call me Christ, others call me Allah, and still others call me Jehovah and the names continue, but there is one Architect, one Master Mind in the creation of All That Is … I Am.”

“You ask about the others that come to you …

They are within Me; they are part of the Whole. Even as you are part of the Whole and cannot see, all will be made manifest, all will see and know. Yes, your mother and all that have gone before you know the Source of All Connection. For We are one, even as they are within Me and I am within you. For you are My creation, and therefore We are One, Have you not heard ‘One in Christ?’ So be it.”

“All will be shown and given in time, and all will be revealed. But give time to the foundation work, and block upon block, you will grow and you will be in awe of the House of God that you have built. Yes, you see. The House is one of man; the House is you. But you are not the entirety, you are part of the Whole and yet All is within you, a concept which the mind will grasp. Continue to choose and focus on the connection and the Source will be shown to you. Be blessed in this day, My son.”

My third eye was pulsing so strong when I began to write and now I know why. My mind is still asking, doubting, wondering and in all the wondering I hear with clarity, “Trust.” It is so strange that I can have an experience like that and my mind can still be in doubt. I am still afraid from which this source comes, of being deceived by my mind in some grandiose thinking or some other source. Yet, even as I write my forehead is pulsing and it is open, with the new sensation of connection. I am sensing that it is given to me now at this time as an answer to my questioning, “That the connection is real and not generated in my mind?” During this writing… oh my, my head is pulsing and the sensation in my third eye so strong. I am getting layers of information so fast.

I just received…

That Dr.‘W’ (my chiropractor) is a part of the House and in the whole world is the House being built, independent of me. We are being a collective in which, all are receiving and in so doing creating a global spirit connection. There are no words for which I am getting … we are all building this together. As we open and receive, all receive. Yes Dr.‘W’, as in our discussion, we are but a drop in the whole and yet we are the whole. My opening is not key and yet it is key. The self does not determine the outcome of the whole. Yet, the whole is edified by the single individual. My head is pulsing and I am in awe of the scope of what was given. And relieved for I have no desire to be “the one” (my words) my ego is not that big (smile in humor).

I am in awe and wonder … I give thanks. “Trust” is what I hear.

(It is now February 2008 and I have been transcribing the hand-written writings into the computer. I have gone through some shut down the past month or so and am just beginning to open again. To which I wonder how one can shut down after rereading this, but my third eye has been pretty quiet, just a little sensation here and there, but right now it is in full sensation after reading and typing what was written, it’s pulsing tells of the truth that was given to me and for me. I am in gratitude for all the patience of the Heavens in my sure, but slow process.)

October 11, 2007

I am waking up before my alarm with the desire to say, “I’m sorry” to Dada for ignoring him and the connection. It was a very difficult day at work with employees. I didn’t feel the usual connection today. I’m sure that there was too much negativity for the energy to flow. I reacted to some focused negative energy towards me, and was upset with internalized anger.

Dada do you abandon me? I still feel no connection…

“As I have told you, you control the flow, we are constant.”

There, I can feel a slight pulsing in my forehead or third eye. I am being told to breathe, that the negative energy is still in my energy field, and I need to clear it with breath. I’ve been breathing and finding it hard to maintain my focus with the breath and I keep drifting. I was instructed to put the soles of my feet together and to pull my feet up close to my body (as I lay on my bed) and to hold my base chakra with my hands and to breathe. I am having some energy releases, some body shaking and movement up through my body. I keep drifting, finding it hard to stay with my breath. I am told to do short bursts of breath with my release breath.

It did help I could feel it break through the thicker energy, but I am still not feeling strong in my connection. Perhaps I need to learn to be O.K., and accept being human and not being one hundred percent in my connection all of the time. I still have gratitude and give thanks for what I have received.

October 12, 2007

I’ve been feeling disconnected… in bed calling to Dada and asking on Elizabeth’s behalf. Elizabeth is in the hospital. I was told yesterday her cancer, that she just found out she has, is so aggressive and advanced that it will probably take her. I’ve been full of sadness and varied emotions. It has been difficult juggling work and the hospital. So I have been asking on Elizabeth’s behalf…

It feels like DaDa has turned his back on me. I question if he would turn his back, because of my tiredness, lack of focus and desire for just one night off?

“I am here. I have always been here. As I have said in the past, you control the connection with your focus.”

I feel like I have been trying. Have you turned your back? Are you punishing me for my lack of discipline and focus of the other night? When I just wanted a break and shut down, shut off and I chose to watch television?

“Even now you are half focused falling into drowsiness… “

But I am exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically.

“In the connection, you will have the ease and flow of our connection and blessings. We are patient. We are here and not turning away. If we were not patient, you would not have come this far.”

I smile, so true.

“We are always available to you, even when the connection doesn’t feel as strong as other times, there are factors to consider: your focus, your intent, your emotional state, all come into play.”

Why is it so difficult these last few days?

“Your state of mind and emotions are dense. The connection is a subtle energy that is with you, but is lost in the emotions that are more dense. Especially anger and the stress of your work life, anger will sever the connection the fastest.”

This is so confusing to me… seems like when I need you the most and it seems like the hardest to hold on to. It seems like the flow can be so strong and intense, that is should be stronger than the dense energies.

“Remember love is the flow and when you turn your emotions to anger the intention is shifted and the love is closed off. You determine the connection with your focus and intention. We are as constant as the Sun.”

“Her creation is here. Her time to return to the Beloved has come. For she has served, and yes you have been correct in as she has been asking for a few years to be free of the earth plane. And so it has been given. We love her and those around her who are caring for her and she is in their hands. She will be received with great joy. The master returns from the journey. The bride has come to the Groom. For she will receive the holy union of oneness, which is returning to the Beloved. It is her wish and she is the creator. She will be received with great joy. For the master came to the Earth to receive the physical and to teach, that is why she has had such an influence on the earth plane. She has and will continue to influence humanity. For the light will always shine and her light will continue to be carried forward … the master returns.”

How beautiful… so you are not punishing me?

“My beloved, we are full of love for you and await your focus to us. For it is only with your focus that we can fully serve you.”

How best can I serve Elizabeth?

“Thank you for your connection.” (that thought of mine and the writing were in unison, it felt like mine and theirs at the same time)

“Have a good day, guru prem. (felt a warm, soft humor in that of a smile) Go forth in love and feel us with you. Nameste”

“Blessed are the carriers of love, for theirs shall be great joy. Yes, tell her to empty out and to carry the love.”

October 13, 2007

“Peace is yours… Know that all is in the care of God. The course is set. Know that the only thing is to trust the flow of All That Is. Time will be given, not much time, but time to heal and prepare. Go forth and trust.”

October 14, 2007

“Love is the only praise to God. Within love there are many layers, but love is the force and breath of All That Is. When you love, you are God.”

October 15, 2007

“When love is the expression, the intent is pure and the energy is blessed on many levels, from spirit to physical. The energy is felt and carried to other planes. Love is eternal. Your expression of love and creation resounds throughout the universe. All the service or love witnessed is rippling, as a kriya ripples through the body, so the energy is felt in the universal body of oneness. All is manifested with energy eternal. Breathe and all eternity is yours. The breath is the connection to the life force and within the life force is all that is, all that was and all that will be…. Eternity. Breath is life, connection and expression.

Breathe and experience creation. Namaste, my son.”

“We are with you and the love you send out to others. Rajul is blessed with your love.”

October 16, 2007

“Your desire and your heart are with me, you have broken your addiction to the numbing effects of the physical, and you desire connection with spirit and self. You have been given a choice and look at what you have chosen … the pen.”

The maverick is being tamed. The whisperings of the Trainer have been heard, and the unruly has been quieted; and with what? … not beating or belittling …and I now have desire. I am gently led with the desire of the heart. I have been shown and given the taste of the connection of Spirit, the love and the open flow of connection. I desire it over the numbing of self. The gate is open and the maverick chooses the corral, in which is the Whisper, the Teacher, the Companion. I give thanks for the patience of Spirit and all those helping me in my opening process. THANK YOU.

October 17, 2007

“The pen is not always necessary, it is the intention of the heart. Know yourself, your strength … act in confidence and let others react around you, as you stay focused in the flow. Be as a stone in a stream with the movement flowing about you.”

October 18, 2007

I awake with hands pressed in praise breaking through the mists of sleep. With a touch and a breath to the third eye I hear, “Light your incense and receive.” I can smell the exotic air of the incense as the pen drags across the paper…I wait.

“Breathe. Breathe and receive.”

I found myself gathering my mini altar that is lying on the bed next to me, and placing it on my body, placing the objects about me and on my heart chakra. And I begin to breathe and I have body kriyas, body mudras and the flow of energy.

I Found myself slipping into sleep or away when I heard, “Write”. During that drifting my mind heard, “There will be a void at the passing of Elizabeth that must be filled. Tell ‘H’to step in and receive the mantle of responsibility that her mother has created. The people will be in need, searching, desperate for the support that was once given. The time is here for her to receive. And receive she will; the Heavens will be opened to receive and to shower down. For she is blessed, even as Elizabeth with the gifts of knowing; a knowing that can penetrate the hearts and souls to show the beauty that lies within. Tell Elizabeth to pass on that, which is her gift through the laying on of hands. It was her purpose and let all she has been given be passed… so the void will be filled. For the hearts cry out for the blessing of those that it has been given. ‘H’ is questioning her role and next step. The choice is hers, but she would be blessed in the path of her mother or in any path she follows. For freedom is the great gift and the birthright of every soul of this dimension. Share your writings selectively and know that you are blessed and being prepared to receive, All That Is. Go forth into your day and walk in peace and grace. Namaste.’’

October 20, 2007

“The truth will prevail.” Is what I heard as I began to recount the previous evening…

I am so confused. I went to visit Elizabeth last night and was told that the doctors came to Elizabeth and the family and told them that they had misdiagnosed the cancer and that it is now treatable. It brought a great joy… A miracle! And yet I went into confusion, because of my connection and the information that has been coming through to me. Even when I told Dad he was in confusion also, because he independently of me. He had been consulting his ‘friends’ as he call them. (Rajul taught Dad how to use a pendulum and so Dad has adopted a necklace of Mom’s that he gave her, a cluster of opals, which he consults) And Dad’s ‘friends’ told him that she would pass before Thanksgiving… And then he said he consulted with them again and they said that she would be fine. We conversed quite awhile about our sources and the possibilities. I felt a sense of shame that I had shared some of the information with Elizabeth about “the master returning.” Feeling shame that I was not like the others and holding out for a miracle. It sent me into doubt about my connection and if I am just creating my connection with an active imagination.

I am sorry Dada I mean no disrespect, but I am confused and embarrassed. I guess that is my ego wanting the information that I share to be correct. This sends my logical mind into action. I feel caught between wanting a miracle and wanting my source to be correct. I am so very confused, this either is good news and the course is still in place, the having been course changed or my connection is off. I feel so bad because of my lack of faith in my connection. You can tell how confused I am I keep chasing the tail within my head.

Again Dada, I am so sorry for any disrespect. I don’t mean to be, but this has sent me into self-question. I must get out of my ego and try to stay open. That is if I have not severed my connection with my doubt. I am sorry… I must run off to work, but I will work on getting my ego out of the way and see if I can receive some connection.

October 21, 2007

Dada I don’t mean to offend you… I am so very sorry for my lack of faith and ego wanting to be right. I was so embarrassed as being viewed as wrong and being more focused on Elizabeth’s death instead of, as the others, praying for a miracle and her staying. I wasn’t verbal with anyone, but Elizabeth, sharing with her the beauty in the words, “The master returns.” The Heavens seem so silent, but I am sure it is me. I can feel myself skirting direct contact: because of the consequences of either a silent connection, that it is all a part of my mind and nothing is really there, a chastisement, or something is wrong. Wow, I have really shifted or fallen quickly into doubt and a lack of faith. I pray that it is just a lesson of faith and we will return to our connection. It has brought me such great joy.

“Your energy is too dense, as I have said the communication or connection is based on love, it is the transmitter. You are in the struggle of mind and in the density of doubt. You are not open to receive. Open your heart once more and you will feel, see and hear…We are as the Sun, turn your face and feel the warmth.”

DaDa, I can feel resistance, why would I not turn and run to partake of the joy?

“Because you are in doubt, and doubt is the ebbing tide of erosion. Doubt turns the faith of openness into a closed window of an empty room. Climb the stairs, do the work to be in the room. Open the shutters of the window and feel the light and the joy as you are flooded with connection. As I have said, the connection is in your control. It is you that decide the flow. Come, my son, open the shutters of your soul, your fear has shut them tight. Open them and feel the blessings of the day. That is it breathe … breathing is the beginning for it carries the will or desire of connection. Your body knows. You instinctively took a deep breath. Breathe and receive.”

Its now later and I write after breathing…

Dada was my breath coach. He showed me some mudras and breathing techniques, alternating my breath from my mouth to my nose, from emotional breath to the mental breath. When in the mind or mental breath, I would go unconscious. He then told me to see and there were dog-like creatures darting about my head or mind. He said that they are protectors keeping me diverted from going into the mind and through my mind into my heart (its own safeguard). He then instructed me that I would need to breathe through them, that they are only distractions. I moved in and out of consciousness not able to stay with my focus. But to my surprise I was ok and did not move into self-judgment. I was told to smudge the house and myself. So I went into every corner and offered a prayer, declaring this being my sacred space. While I smudged my home I felt a deep desire to see ‘J.’ to have a connection with her, maybe because I was using some sage that she had gifted me from her garden or perhaps because she is a spiritual sister that might understand and help.

When at my altar I focused on a book that Swamiji gave me, ‘Daughter of Fire’ (which I had to put down because it was so much like my own experience and I did not want it to influence experiences). I was drawn to pick it up and open to a random place and read … From reading I got that this is the right path, the path of the student is full of mystery, mistakes, and misperceptions; but the key to it all is love.

Love is my path, has been my path and will be my reward, for all is in love. For it is the Divine.

Thank you, Dada, for not turning from me in my mental distress. You are love and I desire, you. I thirst for love, you. I fast for love, you. I will climb the stairs and throw open the shutters to feel love… you, the Divine, even Christ, God.

May I be worthy to receive… is my prayer.

October 22, 2007

Elizabeth passed away today. It has been a full day of emotion for me. I am falling asleep as I try to write … I will write the details later.

It’s now later and Elizabeth has passed, “shifted” as she called it, still here but just shifted form. There have been so many wondrous experiences around her passing. I will now put them in writing to remind me of the beauty of connection.

On Sunday, the day before her passing I was in a lot of turmoil, because of the change of her diagnosis and the reassurance of Dada and his words, “truth will prevail.” Little did I know just how soon I would come to know how true the words of the master.

On Sunday morning I had an insightful morning of reflection, writing and e-mailing Rajul. I decided to fast for mental clarity amongst all the turmoil of doubt. I called Dad and asked him if he wanted to take flowers out to Mom’s gravesite, for she has been so close lately. Dad said the same and now we know why she has been close to us. So I mentally planned the day: of surprising Dad with a visit to a gallery that he has expressed a desire to see, visiting Mom with flowers and then making a trip to the hospital to see Elizabeth.

So all was going well until Dad said that he forgot his eye drops and needed to run back home, which I didn’t mind until he received a phone call and made me wait for almost an hour. I live my life so tightly scheduled and I started to stress about all I needed to do. I was already anxious about Elizabeth and my fasting and lack of energy didn’t help. So I was pretty agitated which I tried not to express to Dad, but it clouded our visit at Mom’s. It had gotten late by the time we returned and I was feeling pretty temperamental and out of energy, because of the fast. So I decided to just go home and wait to visit Elizabeth. As I was headed home something within me said to go get something to eat. To break my fast so I would have energy and to go see Elizabeth. It was a strong prompting so I did as I was instructed.

As I entered the room ‘H’, Elizabeth’s daughter, was in distress. She was alone and was trying to negotiate some care for Elizabeth, because she was coughing up some dark fluid. Elizabeth was in a lot of pain and discomfort, the attending nurses and doctor didn’t think it was blood, but they really didn’t know for sure. I tried to ease Elizabeth’s pain by moving and shifting her into different positions as she requested, but it was of no avail. ‘L’, a friend, then came to help with ‘H’ as she had done for days. ‘L’ and I were left in the room as ‘H’ was taking some calls outside the room. We shifted Elizabeth as she wanted and we both began to do energy work on her; each of us on opposite sides of the bed, and channeling energy to her trying to ease her discomfort. ‘A’, her niece came into the room and we all three worked together for several hours to ease her discomfort. Her stomach had become so bloated with fluid that she was ripping her stitches. We changed her dressings, moving her to what position she requested and between those movements all of us encircling the bed with our hands out stretched and loving her. We stroked her energy with our hands to comfort her on another level. My energy was getting pretty connected to Elizabeth’s and my body was reacting to her energy and pain. At one point I had my hand on her and I started to dry heave and then she followed with her dark fluid. At another point she asked to sit up on the edge of the bed and asked for me to support her and as I did she leaned into me and said to me with some fear in her voice, “My body is shutting down.” It was probably one of the sweetest moments of my knowing her. She relaxed into me and I held her, in her most vulnerable time. I now look back and it was such an honor to serve her and love her in her hour of need. I had another experience with her as I was caressing her energy with my love, and my body spontaneously went into a low bow with hands automatically thrown into the praise position, as my body bowed to a being of great light and magnitude, that appeared in the room. They were administering to Elizabeth on the spiritual plane. I knew that this was huge, but didn’t realize to what timing, until her death a few hours later. I did not see the being, but could only sense the energy of light. It was shortly after this that the doctor decided to move her into ICU. We then left the room and allowed her daughters to be with her as they prepared to move her.

That was the last I saw of, my Elizabeth, on the physical plane. My beloved therapist, teacher, surrogate mother, mentor, sister, advocate, sex therapist, confidant, landlord (for a short time I lived with her), dance partner, yenta and most of all, my dear friend.

I was at work in the mid morning when the phone rang and Katherine received the phone call from Lucy, letting us know that Elizabeth passed at 2:00 in the morning. I was so overwhelmed with emotion I went to the front of the store and cried with my back to the others. As I composed myself I heard Elizabeth’s sweet voice say, “See the beauty in everything.” I went back into the design area of the floral shop and began to talk and process the reality of her being gone. As I told stories the energy lifted and I even felt as if she was there enjoying with us our stories and laughing in our reliving our experiences of her. One of my co-workers, whom she and I share some spiritual feelings from time to time said, “She is here with us.” She could feel her presence and confirmed what I’d been feeling… she was there and with me still.

In all the emotions I forgot about my scheduled chiropractic appointment with Dr.‘W’, his office called and my co-worker suggested that she drop me off and then I could walk back, so we rushed off to the appointment. As I sat in the treatment room I shared what had transpired the last few days. He shared that he couldn’t sleep and was awake last night and he now understood why. I wasn’t his normal kind of appointment, my appointments allow us both the opportunity to be open with our energies and to do some incredible energy work. I know that we were brought together as an act of Spirit for each to continue our process of opening. As I laid on this adjustment table, the energy was the most intense that it had ever been, my body ached and stained with a tremendous amount of energy coming through and then there was a release and rush, and the most wonderful feeling of love and joy. Dr. ‘W’ said that it was pure love energy. He said that my body was surrounded and radiating love. We were both in awe of the intensity and yet the soft radiance of love. My hands were in the praise position and simultaneously Dr. ‘W’ and I said “Thank you.” He said the,”Thank you” is what he heard from Elizabeth and mine came from my heart with a tremendous love. He then said, “that we, Elizabeth and I, experienced the perfect love.” He also related that he felt like he just met Elizabeth. The room was filled with a radiant peace and love. As I gathered myself, I was moved with gratitude and love for Dr. ‘W’ and our work together. As I faced him my body went into a blessing mudra with the words, “You are a blessing to me.” as energy was channeled through me to him. That near missed appointment was a gift from the Heavens, another chance to feel and know that Elizabeth is still with us.

As I left the office I was in an altered state all looked different as I started to walk through the park on my way back to the shop. And her words, “See beauty in everything” kept running through my mind and I felt such a connection to Spirit and her. The trees and the colors seemed to take on a surreal view. As I walked through the rose garden in the park the views and fragrances seemed heightened. Some emotions flowed and I felt very present, when I heard her words again, “I saw your mother, she is so beautiful.”

Elizabeth, then shared that she was so in awe of the speed of thought and that she was now in a state of joy. Even as I write this I can sense her and feel a kiss on my forehead, as I tell her, “that I can’t believe that she is gone.” She says, “I know, feel the energy (emotions) as I have taught you, but know that I am well.” My hands are in the praise position, “Thank you Elizabeth, thank you.”

Dr. ‘W’ was right, we shared the perfect love.

October 23, 2007

“My beloved son, all is forgiven. Know that we are with you and the flow continues even when you do not feel it. Your doubt is a natural process in opening and developing one’s skills and talents of this nature. Receive the joy that flows to you from your loved ones and know that all is well, for they have been received with great joy, for they are now home. They have returned with the honor in which they left. The love flows and in that love, all praise to the Lord God, our Beloved and All That Is. Yes, All That is. Go now and know that you are loved. Namaste”

“Peace be with you, those around you and those you bless … go and remember to breathe”

October 24, 2007

I am awakened out of a deep sleep twenty minutes before my alarm; as I awake my hands are in praise. And I hear, “I need to say something to the girls”, Elizabeth’s voice! I was told to breathe and to clear the sleep from my mind. Dada and Elizabeth are together and she says that he is wonderful.

“The family is being pulled apart. ‘G'(her brother) is not to blame, he was a player in my destiny. Life is like a game and we are the pons (I hesitate and I hear,“write it”) in the reality of the game. The moves are of choice, but predetermined. It was my creation, my choice and in my timing. The family must come together. Love is the answer, always return to love, and forgiveness will bring you there. Clear your hearts of all hurt and pain. Breathe through it, let it go and return to love. Make it your goal to carry only love, for love is the foundation of All That Is, God. If your heart is pure all goes much faster and easier. STOP all the nitpicking of who has done what, does it really matter? NO, release it… let it go. I say these things, only because I want you to experience the joy and beauty that can be experienced. Words cannot convey to you the blissful state that can be experienced. See the beauty in everything, in everything you do and say. Come from a place of love and you will open your hearts to the joy that is abundant here. And it will fill you and serve you, to prepare for what we all return to. Why wait to receive what is to come? Experience it now and your lives will be filled with happiness, peace and contentment.

I love you all; you have been my pain and my joy! But the pain was seen and created by my humanness and ego. You truly are my joy! Love is all there is, make it your focus and come from love.

‘W’, you have been so wonderful. I love you. Yes we have had the perfect love. I love Dr.’W’, continue with him, he is great. So much is ahead of both of you. And yes Dada (she says with a smile) is with me and he is sublime. You are so blessed. I wish I could have created more time to share about him. But all is well, know and trust your path, you are on it. For I set you on it years ago (said in soft humor and a smile). “You are a channel.”, the words are you! Learn to trust and you will be fine. There is so much to share, so much you would enjoy.

Take what I have said to them, share it with ‘H’ and she will be my spokesperson to the family. She also has the gifts of seeing as you do. I am with you, shifted but with you. My love is always supporting you both, ALL. Come from love, Guru Prem (said with a smile). You are so cute in sensing me. Yes, I was having fun with you. Never be embarrassed for all of you is beautiful.”

I love you so much, Elizabeth.

“I know and thank you for your service to me and for me at the end. You truly were an act of love. See there is no shame (referring to her nakedness in the hospital) when you are acting and seeing through love. Bliss is yours, you will experience more and more. I will see to that (said with a smile and looking towards Dada) Yes, the personality is still here; the shift is like becoming fuller. We are so much more than our lives and you bring that back to the whole. Thank you, ‘W’, for being open and hearing my words. Your connection brings so much joy here. When the worlds are bridged it is received with joy. You will be amazed… and yes the speed of thought… thought is so tremendous! I love you and bless you with more love, for that is truly All That Is”

“Mom, needs to breathe into her pain and see it with love.”

“ ‘D’, you will be and are a beautiful woman. Know that I love you and will always be near you to bless you.”

“ ‘S’, you are a joy; I have loved you. “Remember you are my little prince.” You are so beautiful, let your softness be your strength, value it and it will serve you. You have the gift to see, open your eyes and see me come to you. I will always be with you to support you in your pain. ‘H’, teach him to turn his pain into strength and use it to serve him.

You are all well and on your paths, but you must return to love to truly have a full and whole life experience. I have truly never left. I love and will bless you all. Carry the light forward and know that I am with you to the end, which is truly another beginning. Love and peace to you all.

Elizabeth pulled me out of my body and showed me the world of thought/spirit. It is beyond words … it appeared translucent, iridescent and shimmery, where thought is creative. She showed me how she can be the personality of Elizabeth, which is a part of her, or to become connected to the whole. It was like she was able to pull forward out of Spirit and then able to recede and meld into the wholeness. Yes, like a wave of the ocean. You do not loose yourself, but become more full. She actually showed me as she pulled herself out of the whole and then receded like watching her energy flatline and then disappear. It seemed so wonderful yet so foreign to me (she said that it was because I was still connected to the physical). She showed me how the density of matter could be created, like a hologram. It was like out of the shimmer, created by thought, things could be made manifest. I actually saw some type of object that she created, it was less dense and then became more solid and then move back into the shimmer. I then became aware of Dada and others and they parted and I saw my dear mother come forward as the others parted, she was so beautiful. But I am embarrassed to say that I was so overwhelmed and at that point that I lost my connection to that wonderful world of shimmer and light and drifted back into my body. Elizabeth said for me to work on my focus by mediation or a mantra. She then smiled and said to me, “You need much discipline.”

I am late for work I must begin to get ready … what a time I have had!

Thank you! Thank you all… I love you!

October 25, 2007

I am tired, slowly waking up, they are letting me rest. But I focused my love to Elizabeth and Dada, having sweet feelings of love. I have a desire to do some catch up writing about the events around Elizabeth’s passing, it will take days to write all I have experienced. As I was just writing I focused on last night’s email from Rajul, she wrote a sweet message of nurturance about Elizabeth and my turmoil. She also placed a request for “Our universal Dada” asking for a miracle for her spleen. It has been swollen and there is some concern.

I just finished focusing with that intent and felt Dada’s energy come through strong. My third eye is pulsing even as I write. He said that he would come to her and they would choose a stone of healing from her collection; that she should place it in her spleen and use it as a focus. Also that this six months that he told her to stay home was for her healing, during which to focus on herself, nurture herself in meditation. He also said for her to treat her body as a precious jewel for which it is, to nourish it with blessed food and to receive her energies from the Heavens.

“A new strength will be hers that can carry the master’s will.”

October 28, 2007 (Sunday)

Slowly waking … “Welcome”… I sense beings about me. They have been patient in my waking and letting me sleep and my body rejuvenate.

“We have come to you this day to teach and honor you. You are a great soul, who has come to the physical plane to channel love and the healing energies of God. For God has sent you for a purpose, that is why you still remain amongst the sufferings and illnesses that you have acquired. We are here, we are to serve you and to honor your longings and your needs. We are here to show you the way and are here to guide you along that path.”

I am hearing a woman’s voice, is Dada still near, still available?

“Yes, Dada is very much near, for he is a part of this council or gathering. It is the circle in which you saw within your vision of India. The vision was prophetic and somewhat symbolic. The India part of your vision was your connection or opening through Swamiji, Rajul and Dada. They were the preparers for setting you on this path. You have had several preparers and yes, your Elizabeth was one. If you look you can see her as one of the gathering. She also is a great soul and the two of you honored one another in your physical and now she will honor you from her spiritual.”

I heard her sweet familiar voice, “Hi ‘W’”, the way she would say it on the phone when we would talk. Aaahhh Elizabeth, how we miss you…

“I am with you and will always be with you and the others whom I love”

“It is a great council or gathering and it is of supreme nature; those that have the light of love that is, All That Is. You will be amazed at the light and love in store for you and your loved ones. The blessings of love are showering down upon the Earth to feed, cleanse, and purify all those that are willing to receive it. That is the key, an open heart and a willingness. Yes, Rajul is open and receiving whereas you can see others that are not. It is your willing, open heart that has brought you to us and us to you.

Come and see… This is your place in which you saw in your vision; your place amongst the gathering or council.”

There is a knowing or spiritual knowingness where I can sense Dada, Elizabeth, Swamiji, and ‘R’(my passed brother) and I hear him say, “I am more than you have known.”

“‘W’, it is a time of focus and … (I am having a hard time staying focused. This is so surprising and new, out of the blue. Not sure how to receive it, not sure if I want it. Even as I have doubted in my past I will try to trust and continue to receive)…

“‘W’, this is a time of focus and instruction; a time to build our connection to you so you can feel us and receive us. The beauty of this will bless you and those you bless.”

Is this power of God, of Christ, of light?

“Yes ‘W’, this power is the power, light and gift of All That Is, in which embodies the Christ, yes even Jesus. It is the grouping of more than the Godhead as you know it.”

(The meaning was not to disrespect the Godhead, but meaning it is different from the Godhead.)

As I continue to see the group: an Indian woman, “Elisbeli, Ansure, Goshum and I, Victoria (all of the names and spellings are not clear, I was in such disbelief and doubt) we are of your gathering and you of ours. You are overwhelmed and in disbelief, it is natural, for you have no dealings in this realm and its workings. But life is an organized mass, which the spiritual supports. The support of the spirit and its interplay is the beauty of it. When you have felt the interplay through promptings and inspirations, it is through the gatherings, of councils, that the world was organized, and the order of balance that takes place to keep it running.

Yes, it was your mother’s wish to work with the African nations, as you saw. For she is a great soul and saw the need of love to these nations and peoples. She is blessed and beloved, as are you. We can hear your objections to this (I am thinking that my creative mind is making this up) and the disbelief of the gathering… For it has been us that you have been sensing; us seeing your energy as you have compared to the northern lights and the praise that you sense when you connect to this plane. It has been us who have been nurturing your tender energy to be strong. It is us that play with your energy, when your body is in full mudras. It is the energies of this council that have guided you thus far. You have known, for you have always wished to return to what you call the grid or the girdling of the Earth to channel energies of light to the Earth. You have known, received and trusted in that fact. It is now that you have a more full understanding of the nature of things.

Yes, Rajul is a part, but has another council. She is focused on the feelings or emotions; it is her passion. We are all connected and focused on the one goal, which is the will of All That Is, the will of God.

You are disappointed in the view of it … It is not as grand as you want. It is as complicated as you wish. You are wanting that which is not understandable with the mystery and the awe. Well it is and more. We are showing you only what you can understand and able to receive. And you are having a hard time with this. You question your (who was brother).

‘’W’, I am connected to you with love and what you would call karma. I have chosen to watch over you, ‘my little brother’. I was lost in my earth life, but I am not all that person as you know, I am more. Because of our lives together I have chosen to be in your gathering. You will see the benefit’

You question Swamiji,being a part of the gathering. He has chosen it also, as has Dada. Again you are now questioning the reality, is this the creations of your mind?

“‘W’ (it is Elizabeth), trust yourself as I have taught you. Trust and honor the feelings and emotions. We are not here to judge you. We are only here to support and honor you. It is a lot to take in at one time. As Dada has said, “we are as constant as the Sun.”

I am acting as a child; the maverick has kicked into being. For some reason I am not trusting… wondering why. A council or gathering, I don’t like the idea, I mean no disrespect but how can it be? … With ‘R’, Swamiji and Elizabeth? Am I delusional?I am in self-protest, I just went in and started eating like crazy. Has a council ever been received this way? I did just offer myself up to God, a day ago.

“Show me the way. What to do. I will serve You.” Truly I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I am in disbelief and am wondering if I have fabricated it all … Damn! I should be in awe, wonder and consumed in love, and I’m just the opposite … the maverick is bucking!

October 29, 2007

I have asked for forgiveness for completely shutting down yesterday. I have asked several times in waking and was told,

“There is no forgiveness needed” and then finally, “Yes, do not waste your energy in forgiveness, for it is done”.

Not much time to write now, but I completely shut down yesterday during my morning writing. Was in tremendous turmoil and overwhelm. I shared with Dad last night after dinner all that I’ve been going through and we talked for hours. It was helpful to get it out of my head. And he was supportive. When I got home later in the evening I emailed ‘H’ and spent a couple hours in-putting what Elizabeth asked me to share with her family. I have been feeling the need to get it to her, but our schedules have not made time to talk. My responsibility is complete in getting her Elizabeth’s message. As I was in-putting it moved me as I read through her messages again. Her message is so wonderful and is definitely not self-generated. That has been my turmoil lately wondering if I am just creating all of this within my head. Reading through it again softened my wondering and judgments. It is a beautiful compilation of love. I think I just need some time to adjust, accept and acclimate to this new information… Baby steps are needed right now … my love and gratitude to the Heavens for its wonder, beauty and patience. For the maverick started bucking with the saddle. My love to the Heavens.

November 2, 2007

Thank you… I’m waking up connected.

“A heart of gratitude is a praise to God. We will never leave you. You only need to acclimate to all you are being given. We are patient all in your time. The day has come for you to receive our energies. Feel us with you and know, Namaste.”

I feel Gratitude for Dad, he has played a role in helping me accept all that has been happening to me. He keeps asking his friends, the opals that belonged to Mom. And they keep confirming my connection and all I have shared. It is nice to have the support.

November 4, 2007

I just awoke to hear my iPod playing, ‘Over the Rainbow’, sung by Israel Kamakawiwo. It was the ending song played at Elizabeth’s memorial service yesterday. I’m waking with a sweet, sweet feeling of Elizabeth, and the desire to write. When my niece, her boyfriend and I returned from the service, my sister, said that we all glowed. We all glowed with the sweet love that was felt at the gathering of her family and friends.

My sister, her daughters and their boyfriend and husband all drove from Utah to support ‘M’, my niece, in her desire to attend Elizabeth’s service and find some closure. ‘M’ had seen Elizabeth as a client and was bonded as only Elizabeth could bond. And I think feeling the service’s after-glow of love made the twelve-hour drive worth the trip. They arrived on Friday and met me at the flower shop and then M. and I delivered the flowers to Elizabeth’s home, where the memorial service was being held. It held an empty feeling being at the house without Elizabeth. So, so much history was held by that house and yard and now the giver of that history is gone. It was very empty. The flowers looked beautiful. The vibrant hues of yellow, orange and magenta designed with Tropicals and Roses surrounded the pictures that they had chosen of Elizabeth. Elizabeth in her early twenties looking like a seventy’s love child, which she was, and another of her a few years before her passing. Unbelievable that Elizabeth is gone and now just captured in these photos, memories and our hearts. It’s hard to feel the sadness of her being gone with the joy that she is now experiencing and that is filtering to us.

Thank you… I am filled with such a love and gratitude. I’m hearing the scripture ‘love never failth and endureth all things.’ The ‘perfect love’ as Dr. ‘W’ expressed it. Elizabeth, I was and so blessed to have you in my life. Blessings to you! I am filled with a great love right now, my heart and body are so full.

“Blessed are you Wes. Your joy will carry you into the eternities. The joy that you feel is a full love that flows from God and fills all space, for love is All That Is.”

Oh Elizabeth, thank you! Thank you for sharing with me, All That Is. I now have more of an understanding of the name/phrase that has been told to me for years. Divine love that is the basis of all, God.

The service was love filled and my emotions flowed. It was the perfect autumn day. The sun was out and with beautiful weather, the weather that Elizabeth loved. The floral arrangements went from vibrant to a warm glow in the evening sun. Over a hundred people gathered in love and her backyard was a sacred place again as it had been on many occasions in the past. There were stories shared, music played and candles lit in the memory of her; all capturing the essence of her life and her love. So many stories shared of her ‘big love’. One of her clients stood and expressed, “If I had not connected with Elizabeth, I would have missed my life.” She encapsulated it in that one phrase. And I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her… Oh Elizabeth, thank you!

An experience as I write…

“Blessed are those that turn their hearts to Me”

My palms still pulsate and my forehead and crown are wide awake with the energy and love of He who has marked my heart. I was overcome with joy and love that I felt because of Elizabeth. My body was so full and flowing with the energy. Strong kriyas were moving up through my shaking body. My body was and still is flowing with love. When He descended and knelt next my prone body and with His finger drew a cross and then a circle around it on my heart, Christ Eternal! And it was then that the words flowed and I was able to capture …

“I am the joy and love of All That Is, for I am All That Is. I am, that I am. There is nothing that is not of Me and My Father. All that is Mine is yours, for there is none other and nothing more. I Am that I Am and you are now of Me. The Eternal Christ of All That Is. Testify of Me and your heart will sing with great joy. The hearts that turn to All That Is will be blessed with great joy. Even as Elizabeth has been received, so it will be with you. Receive all that awaits you and know All That Is, even I. Blessed are all beings that turn to Me, for there is no other and nothing more. I Am … come unto Me.”

Remarkable! The joy of the Master! No words can convey, but the emotion of the heart!

Later in the day…

A day so beautiful, after my sacred experience with Christ. My heart is ever changed!

As my sister and her family were preparing to return to Utah, we decided to drive out to Mom’s grave side and then they would take off from there. As we were standing there taking in the love I was filled again with the Spirit and was prompted to bless each of our family present. As we went around I received a short and simple phrase or blessing for each person. It was beautiful and they were receptive with the love felt. As I blessed my niece connected to Elizabeth, I gave her a pink rose quartz crystal heart, from Elizabeth’s personal heart collection that her daughters gifted to me. I told her to keep it as long as she needed to feel of Elizabeth’s love.

After which I was so filled with the love of Christ, I bore a witness of Him. My first witness of my Master in over thirty years. I now feel as Saul or Paul of the Bible. A moving vision and witness, my heart has been marked with His touch.

“A heart that testifies of Me will sing with great joy.”

How beautiful our time together… the Heavens were open and Mom and others were present. The trip of my sister and family was blessed with a gift to us all.

Thank You! “Gratitude is a song and praise to God.” I feel so full … may the fullness of All That Is bless us and flow out to all within our reach and bless our hearts with joy.

Praise to Christ Eternal. My hands pressed in praise.

November 6, 2007

I was in morning meditation, sending out love, prayers and healing. The circle with the cross within, is my new mantra or mandala, Christ Eternal. I asked Dada to bless Rajul and her health and especially her spleen.

A Blessing spoken for Rajul…

“She is my daughter and I will always love and watch over her. All she does/gives on her journey is divine. All of her experience is for her good. Endure all and great joy is yours, now and when I receive you. You are light of the universe; you are a daughter of All That Is., even God. You are God. Breathe and know, receive the joy eternal.”

Thank you, Christ Eternal and Dada … praise to You!

November 11, 2007 (Sunday)

Praise to the Heavens …I woke up with love for all! I reach for my temple scarf lying next to me on the bed, and I draped it around my neck as I write.

I’ve been working long, long hours, as the shop is moving into the holidays, with little sleep and no energy or time. I have to rush off for a wedding set-up this morning, I hope to return to write and input some of my past writings into the computer.

I have been sensing energy as I work and drive, emotions of Elizabeth, letting myself move in and out of my emotions.

I do have to rush off … Thank you Heavens! I can sense you even in our silence.

Later in the day…

I reached for my temple scarf wrapped it around my shoulders and began to draw circles with a cross inside, blessings for those in need. The page looks like a crazy person’s obsession and perhaps it is. Ever since the experience of the Divine’s finger marking my heart with this symbol, I draw it in the steam on the glass shower door. As I draw them I send them out as a blessing to those in need. Crazy? … Perhaps or maybe just connected. I fell asleep as I was drawing them on the paper and I was just awakened. It is 3:45 am and was awakened in a clear mind-state. I am told to light my incense and candle. I feel alive, clear and on the verge of connection. It has been a few days since I have had a chance to truly write, because of my work schedule. I am being told to breathe…

“Welcome beloved one, ‘W’, we are pleased to see you in such desire of our presence. We are always willing to be with you, to help you and to serve you. We are recommending that you develop a practice. An exercise of spirit and mind to develop your focus, as you just experienced during your breathing the wanderings of your mind. It will help you in your work, which is why it is so easy for you to write, because it gives the mind a focus. You watch the pen develop the words on the paper and hear them in your mind. Thus the flow comes with ease because the mind is busy. When you practice or exercise, incorporate the breath that is the connection to us and the realm of Spirit and other planes. Then develop a mantra or mandala in your mind, a visual to focus upon; yes, even the symbol of your heart, Christ Eternal. Breathe and focus on it as the mind wanders, bring it back with love as you have instructed others in the past. Take some time now to practice.”

Waking from a sleep, but before I dozed off I was laying with my crystal on my chest, focused and breathing. My mind would wander and I was gently bringing it back as I was also instructed on the breath. It sounded like Elizabeth’s voice saying, “Do the emotional breath, it would be good for you”. The breath as Elizabeth taught me in life, is breathed in through your nose and exhaled out your mouth, but soon I was asleep.

It will take some time to train and discipline this mind. I just finished focusing in a sitting position. I focused on the flame from the candle I lit on my altar. The flame was reflected in the glass of the picture of Swamiji and Rajul. The flame danced as it was reflected in Rajul. I focused on each flicker of the flame and felt my mind wander and return. The mudra energy was flowing, but not wanting to be taken by it because my intention was to be focused. At one point I found myself moaning in a low tone and felt myself and the energy get very dense. I felt that I was deep within the bowels of my body. Deep within myself and the energy was heavy and thick, it was dark (not frightening) and dense. My mind was not asleep, but in a soft haze. I then came into a clear point with my breath and popped into the present with a start. I will do as I am instructed and exercise my mind and body to focus.

“Well done … you need much more discipline” (said with a smile, for it is the humor between Dada and me). You will find yourself wander and travel, not all is unwanted. Some are the benefits and teachings of the body and others are from us and as your mind expands you will find the ‘whole’ waiting to be explored. Remember to exercise your mind and focus on the point of focus. The body and mind will become your maverick, but will soon calm and submit, even as you have to me, the Whisper” (said with a smile).

November 12, 2007

“Life is good, life is blessed, know that we are with you and bless your day … enjoy it. Namaste.”

Thank you, DaDa … you are my blessing! Thank you!

Shower Therapy: Worth…

“The value of the self is without measure. The value of an open heart is priceless! Self-worth, the realization of both, is a gift to God.”

November 15, 2007

Please forgive me for my not turning my heart to you more …

“Breathe and clear the mind. It is important during this busy time for you to honor your body. Honor it with nourishment that will benefit its performance and livelihood. The strength and endurance that you need and seek will be obtained through nutrition, breath and connection. We will and have already blessed you. We know the intent of your heart, come to us with focused breath and let us bless you during this busy time for you in your world. Remember to honor your body and it will honor your wishes. Peace be with you and know. Namaste.”

Thank you, you are the source of all I have… Thank you.

November 16, 2007

Shower therapy…

“Suffering is good, whatever kind it should be. For it reveals the out-stretched hand of compassion.”

‘R’ (my brother) is free of our karmic bonds. I experienced a sense of great compassion and forgiveness. My heart softened and we are both free!

“Forgiveness is Divine … you are a holy man in your forgiveness and release the karmic bonds of God.”

Thank you!

“It is an open heart that is able to receive.”

November 17, 2007

“Write… write and I will be with you. Yes, breathe for your connection. I am here and will always be here as long as you desire me.” (I am sorry to say, that I fell asleep as I was writing)

November 18, 2007

I was drawn to my altar, and lit some incense and a candle. I’m being cleansed in the smoke of sweetgrass and sage and hearing the promptings of Rajul, ‘to be clean when I approach God’. So I showered and shaved and returned to my altar, breathed and connected…

“Write and I will speak My will, the will of the Master, He who is connected to All That Is; He who is the source of all light and good. For the mind wonders the source. Know that the source is that of All That Is. You are concerned of what has been named the prince of darkness, deceiver of mankind, the devil or even satan.

We are not of that realm. The beings of light are the carriers of the will of God, praise the Eternal who knows and is All, The Light and Life of the world and All That Is (even the realm in which you fear). Fear not for you are encircled with the flame of light, truth and the presence of the Eternal. You have beings of light guiding you and what your course brings. Beings of light that hold you dear and praise your heart. But you must stay open, keeping your heart pure and connected and then you have no fear. We honor you for you are an extension of us on the physical plane. Know of our love and know your strength. You have been blessed and you will see that which is to come for your good and the good of all. For that is our purpose to help bring about the good of the whole. You will understand, even as Elizabeth opened the veil and you were permitted to see the spirit of All That Is. That is a grain of sand on the shore of the non-physical. Believe and receive, stay open and know. Your world extends beyond the boundaries of your society. The society of man has blinders and disconnects from the realm of Spirit. Know that the truth will always prevail, even as the sun will rise. Know that mankind is not alone, but part of. The Earth is the soul of man and through her all comes into play. You think of yourself as separate, but you are one. All is manifest through the Supreme Mother of Form. It is wondrous! The hearts of mankind is awakening to that which is their source on this plane. When spirit is made physical the mother is the caretaker of the child. Even so, the relationship of mankind, humanity, and the Earth… It truly is wondrous!

Your mind needs development. As you can see the breath is the connection to the world of beyond. The breath carries the life force energy to the physical. The light and life is within the breath, breathe and let your physical receive. Receive the love that is yours.

We can feel of your love and concern for Rajul. She is blessed and will be the focus of much concern. But within the concern is the healing that will take place. The healing of the heart. Her connection to the life she has created around her will not be broken. Within the concern is her answer”

I keep losing my focus, like going into a light sleep, but I keep hearing, “within the concern is her answer.”

Please let me be a clear channel for what you desire …

“You want answers for Rajul; concrete, technical answers. But we are working through you and the wording is simple, because the answers are simple, but your trust is weak. The stronger the trust the more we will be able to give, but it is all the same, whether it is technical or simple the truth is the same. So trust, believe and open as a flower. Yes, the flower is for all. The unfolding is eternal. And the lesson of patience and timing is for all to receive. The answer is in the unfolding. Often the unfolding is needed to set the course into place. Patience is needed; life is blessed with the unfolding flower of love. With each petal is the lesson and the purpose, and within the lesson and purpose, the gift. And within the gift, love, and within the love, the Divine. This gentle opening is the gift of the Divine. The flower is in an eternal state of opening. It is in the timing of the Divine, all we need to do is allow the opening.”

Thank you for your connection and love to us. Thank you for your patience with me. I pray that I might be clear and connected to receive your desires and then have the strength to let the petals open. I am full of gratitude for your patience in my opening. Thank you!

“As we have said, ‘Gratitude is a gift to God.’ For within that is love and within love, All That Is, the Eternal.”

“You wonder what came through your mind as you were in preparation for this session. As you have asked to let yourself know and accept the will of God. And your mind answered with, ‘to destroy your television’. Yes, it was and is a step in the opening of the flower, just one of the petals in your opening. The television is distracting you and makes your will and mind dead to your purpose. But you are always allowed the choice even in the counsel of the Divine. If you follow one word it leads to another and the words are always there whether you hear, see, write or speak them, truth is eternal. Whether you allow it or follow it, it is still truth. And this life is your time to express yourself. So whether you destroy your television or not; whether you hear, write or trust the words that come to you. It will not change the opening of the petals. Because the petals will continue to open, but to what speed is up to you and the Divine.

For one flower might open in a day and one might take a thousand, and when one is waiting for the petal it might seem like an eternity, but still the petal and flower are opening. Allowance or willingness is the answer to the opening, and the Divine will know for what time each is to open. Stay willing and allow yourself to reveal the beauty that is you. And in so doing the Divine will see the beauty with such great joy, that even He will weep at His creation.”

Rajul, has asked me to communicate for her, Should she be in the care of the doctors and follow their will or advice?

“She is and will balance the doctors and care with the Spirit. For we can work through them, to what will be; sometimes it is a healing and sometimes it is a release from the physical. What might seem like a negative is not to us. For all is in the will and the unfolding of the flower. So relax and allow the unfolding.”

How can each of us know when to act or what to follow, for the Divine?

“The right action you are looking for, there is only one … the action you take. Use your judgment and what might seem off course to you will be full of life and lessons, that may have been different with another judgment or way. The petal will open. The flower will bloom. See the beauty in all that you do, in everything.”

Thank you. Is there anything else you would like me to know or write?

“Know that we love and honor you. We know that what seems important and real to you, is only a moment. Take comfort that the flower is beautiful and the opening eternal. All that you do or choose is affecting the petal, but not the flower. Relax and know that we are with you and your flower is beautiful.”

My gratitude and love…

November 22, 2007 Thanksgiving Day

Gratitude…

My sister called, as I was getting ready to write and express my love to the Universe, God, the Divine. The call was love filled with stories and expression. We were both flowing with tears and love. I always appreciate and enjoy our talks. They are focused on love and God, the core of who we are. The call was a perfect preface …love.

Love is flowing, I love…

Elizabeth just came to me! I was feeling a simple flow of love and I felt her and laid back on the bed and let her come through me. It was like we were playing with the energy. I was with arms and palms raised, sending out energy and love. I then felt a circling energy in my palms. She was circling the energy and it lasted for an extended time. I then began to breathe in and let the energy flow into me, kriyas moved through me. I can feel a sense of rejoicing and happiness that a conscious connection was received on both our parts. When I heard her words,“You truly are a channel.” She spoke those words the very first time I met her.

Love flows … I am so full. My third eye is so awake and I am so grateful.

A holy day to God….

Is there anything more to write, to say or express. The fullness of love… is there more? There is no need or want in this … pure joy.

“The flame of love burns within and the pure joy of God is felt. All are blessed who carry the light and love of God. Love flows to those that know. God is the Eternal, the Father and Mother of All That Is, The Creator of All; even the love that flows to you, is that of God. And in being the Creator, the Abundant gives and shares freely with those that acknowledge His hand in all.”

“Know and feel the flow and flame of the Eternal, your Father and Creator. Every knee shall bend and confess of His love and mercy. All shall know of His love. Give thanks and know.”

November 25, 2007

“‘W’, thank you for all the love and support you have shown my family. I love you and miss the physical time we have shared together. We will share again as we did together. The spiritual world is one of wonder. As a creator you will love it; I love it. It is truly home, this is who we are and will always be. The past is gone, look to whom and what I am now, for the present is where I am, and I am with you. Thank you for being with me, ‘W’. Namaste. I will always love you and hold you in love. Focus and create, it is all your creation!”

The voice of Elizabeth came to me so clearly. There were a few impressions beyond her words I did not write. When I write or receive, it is sometimes multileveled in thought…

One impression that I got was about time. That time is multileveled also. It was beyond my comprehension. I also got the impression that they are not permitted to share details of some knowledge. Also that she is in some kind of a schooling or programming where she is applying or creating something around focus, of working on the present where our thoughts and sorrow pull her back (it wasn’t a chastisement, but something she was working on). This came when she said that she was here with me and will always be.

Thank you Elizabeth for sharing and all others that are involved. Blessings to us all!

November 27, 2007

Waking with a sweet feeling saying, “Write.”… pen in hand…

“The time has come for all mankind to decide the will of the planet and their course therein. Life will not be the same with the course of the present action. Choose nature over society. Choose God over man. Mankind will suffer a great loss of self, if the decision is not of God and Earth. Within all that will come is the peace of those connected to the Spirit. Connection is the key for survival. But this is not given to fear, but to heed and choose. The Earth will not be forsaken by the Spirit and love of All That Is. And she will not suffer the destruction of her beings. Mankind is awakening and the Heavens rejoice. Awaken to your own earth bodies and answer with respect. Respect to one is respect to the other and the awakening will occur. Rejoice in the Earth and all she has given her children. Rejoice and know within her tremors and swells is a love that is boundless. All works together for the good and will of All That Is. Choose love and choose life for both you, your mother and soul. Love flows when there is harmony of connection. Connect and know/feel her love.”

“Peace to the hearts that know and receive; peace to you, my beloved.”

December 3, 2007

Like returning to a dear friend, so it feels to return to a pen in hand. After feeling a lack of desire and consumed with a weary heart from my work schedule, I have been adrift. But right now I feel the fullness as if I had never been separated from the pen and intent. With my temple scarf wrapped around me, I feel wrapped in fullness and love again. Full of gratitude for the patience of the Heavens while this child learns to walk.

Next morning…

I fell asleep writing…I just awoke a few minutes before my alarm. Throughout the night I would softly awake and when I did I felt a sweetness and then would fall back asleep. In my sleep, wrapped in my temple scarf, I felt as if I slept in the hands of God.

Last night the turning point was an article that I had received from my sister. The article was a talk given by one of the General Authorities of the LDS Church. He was talking about remembering and seeing the hand of God in all things in our lives. I was tired, but was compelled to read the entire article. At one point he quoted out of the Book of Mormon, about knowing what is good is of God; and that the Light of Christ and the Holy Ghost will lead to truth. Oddly I did not feel separate as I have in the past thinking that it was interesting, but can’t apply to me. When I was reading the energy moved through me creating mudras and hands of praise. The desire returned to me that I have felt absent for several days. Not about wanting to connect or write, but simply drained from my Christmas schedule. The desire returned, not to deaden my feelings with the television, but to be united with the Heavens and my pen, a familiar desire, like a moth to the flame. I could not give thanks fast enough at my altar of Christ and my loved ones. As I gave thanks the energy flowed strongly with my praise to Christ, all pictured and Elizabeth. Praise flowed to Christ Eternal with making the sign that was marked on my heart with His finger. I felt fullness and I was told not to write, but to listen and in the listening …which of the details I cannot recall at this time, but it was direct and filled with the fullness of Spirit telling me to have an open heart and receive.

And so I returned to my pen and started to write and that was the beginning of this writing.

I am still amazed at the sweetness that I slept in last night and right now I feel so loved and feel the Heavens smiling or pleased that my heart is open and that I am back from my drifting, connected with my heart and desire.

Thank you! Thank you, for your love and patience. Praise to God, All That Is, the light that showers all. May I have the devotion as the moth and never stop dancing around the flame of God. May light fill my heart and radiate, All That Is.

December 13, 2007

Meditating after a few days…

“Write.” I question, “Write.” Pen in hand…

“My beloved one, we are pleased that you have chosen and desired us, not out of need, but out of desire. You have been troubled, ease your mind and know that this is the path of the holy man. The path of questions and doubt: the path of intention is full of highs and lows. For how can you not feel God and not feel the low of separation. So do not worry about the extremes at this point. In time you will know and trust and the path will level to be more constant. And as you grow and accept who and what you are, you will grow into the expectations that you feel. And the desire and the fear of it, the push and pull, will dissipate. So relax and know that this is the natural process. Do you not remember? Over a year ago the maverick did not even want to be in the corral and now you desire the saddle and buck when it is cinched. In time you will love to feel the girth and cinch around your belly and desire the rider. Be calm and know that we are with you during this time of growth; you would not have felt so deeply your open heart today if you were closed to us and were we not aware of your presence? And yes, this is your choice and your life and you can decide your pace. We love you and are with you.”

December 16, 2007

“Write.”…“Write.” …“Write and feel the hand of God.”

Pen in hand …

“The hand of God favors you, for your heart is pure for those in need that you can give to; the woman’s emotions will take her to God and the amputee will find his heart. You will hear about him in your future. The finger of God is upon you and you have responded. Yes, the broken will be made whole. The whole is within them waiting to be found. As it is within you now and those waiting to be touched. You ask for forgiveness for not having the strength and fortitude. As we said a year ago, you would not have even been open to the saddle; the maverick would not conceive of the weight of the burden or responsibility. All will come in time, even when you are slow to respond. All will come in time for the saddle is yours and you have chosen the responsibility… As you continue to open and change you will find strength within you that you never knew, a desire even stronger than the one you have and a fortitude that will burn. Fan the sparks that glow and the fire will always be there. Guilt that shuts you down and shame that makes you hide are not needed to move you. They are for those of no heart. When you have heart and those tools are used, it slows the process.

“Live life and know, live life and feel. See with Spirit and feel with your heart. The heart will guide your eyes and when they focus they will see through the understanding of Spirit. Your insights last night, talking to the amputee were not of your own. You were feeling heart and seeing with Spirit and your insight opened to you. He needed those words and that feeling to be made whole. To find more than his legs, his heart, which will help heal the world. The healing has begun, as it has within you. You cannot turn back when you have been touched by the hand of God. What may appear to be turning away is only a temporary reflex to the touch. The soul feels overwrought with the joy and that which is not pure wants to hide for its survival. Little does it know that all survival is in the light of love. Cain discovered this as have many, many others. Even in turning to the dark, there is light or one could not even exist. The light of God allows the darkness to show contrast to the light and show the way. Contrast is not evil, but shows the will of God. Even when one is in what appears to be darkness there is some light that allows the dark; and will eventually turn to face the light. All will receive the light and touch of God, but in their due time. We see through the eyes of eternity, not through the eyes of time and space of form. The light of God is within all and it is that, that responds and knows His will and their course. It is your navigator through the journey. Does not one see the light in the cancer or the broken heart? For all is given in time and for the teaching of the individual. And therefore affects the whole. All is made well. So see the courses of troubles as lessons or gifts to show contrast, which leads to God. All is made good in the journey of the soul. Lay back and receive”…

Yes, all will be made whole!

Thank you, Heavens, for understanding, for kindness and love. Thank you for the wisdom, Thank you!

“All will be made whole” keeps repeating through my head like a mantra.

“All will be made whole, receive. For the Kingdom is about you, open and receive.”

December 31, 2007 (4:30 pm)

“The grace of God is upon you. Your darkness has been lightened with His blessing and taken from you. Know that He is All That Is. Even so: the Beginning and the End, The Giver and Receiver of Life, the Eternal Father, and the Earth your Eternal Mother. The dance of life is within you, receive it, celebrate it, and the joys of the world will be yours. Receive of the Father, “You shall not want.” The blessing of the Father is upon you. Receive it, doubt it not, your days of doubt are gone. The joy of the Father is within you. Receive it and know that this is the legacy of the eternal cycle. There being, the cycle of polarity. The pain shall become joy and the joy will give birth to the pain. The cycle of life. The cycle of Earth and seasons, the cycle of time. Receive the joy and you will receive the pain without hurt, without wound, without ache. For the blessing of joy is upon you, receive it. Take it into your innermost parts, into your heart, into your soul. The joy of the Father will be with you for the rest of your days upon the Earth. Receive the joy and know. Know that the connection will never be broken. The connection will be your source, your joy, your life, your breath. Breathe and know, you are blessed.”