The Many Faces of Still Fat Rob Kardashian

People magazine reports that Still Fat Rob Kardashian is diabetic and depressed and too dangerous to be left alone with his hooker baby. In contrast, Us Weekly reports that Kardashian is feeling fantastic, committed to healthy living, and coos aloud for the daddy time he spends with his hooker baby. Kris Jenner’s clearly working both sides of the play to maximize media exposure. It’s like watching a chess master. Watch the white queen railed by all black pawns. She’s thinking seven moves ahead.

If anybody understands how Blac Chyna gamed her way into a Kardashian anchor baby, it’s Kris Jenner. She’s shipped off numerous weak men to their temporary or final resting places in her quest for succubus dominance. She turned an American sports legend into an ungainly chick with big hands. Emasculation titles are won with big noticeable wins.

Kris Jenner would’ve thrown herself in front of her melancholy son’s sperm shot if only she had been there. In the slightly less dirty stall in the Burger King toilet. The baby lives as long as Still Fat Rob draws a breath. The minute he passes to the big Wonka factory in the sky, the eunuchs will come and take the infant usurper to the river. Blac Chyna returns to stripping with the sad eyes of a whore who allowed herself to dream too big. You won’t read any of this in a checkout counter magazine. Too real.