Journal

TRANSFORMATION

A lot has happened, but mostly what is happening is happening right here, right now. I’m processing everything. Especially my life, my career and where I wanna go from here. I write a lot. In my journal. About everything. A week ago I couldn’t admit to myself that I actually enjoy this silence that I have right now. But that is exactly what I need in this moment. To process and to grow. Now I see how amazing it is. To feel yourself again.

Whole summer I was running from one place to another, not wanting to settle down. For myself. And eventually my energy just disapeared. My glow on the face. It was gone. I’ve lost my playfulness along the way. My creativity. Also teaching sometimes was hard, because I felt like I’m not giving my true self to the people. Like there is something missing. Like I’m giving something out and nothing is coming back.

Just a few weeks ago a news hit my family that my uncle has only a few months, or maybe just couple of weeks to live. We knew he was ill, but we didn’t expect things will turn that way and it cought us totally unprepared. Not prepared to say goodbye. Like this. And so soon.

In this silence I’m peeling the layers off. It feels like there is a whole another aspect of transformation happening. In the midst of all of this I came up to one quote that I read at Maruša’s playlist page and I googled the women who said these words. It was Elena Brower. She didn’t cought my attention just yet, until I came to one particular photo (photo bellow) when everything just stopped. I felt such peace and balance that was coming out of this picture. And there was this message of meditation written on it, which is exactly what I needed (somehow I can’t find that photo with the written message anymore).

I googled a bit more and I came to her practices (interestingly enough, Maruša already mentioned Elena to me at the beginning of the summer, but I typed just “Lena – yogaglo” into my phone and couldn’t find her – I guess I wasn’t ready for her at that time just yet even though it feels like Marusa somehow knew, like she always does ) and for the first time in a very long time – I felt peace. Later on, after a couple of more practices I felt an incredible drive to sit down with myself and just look and accept everything that is happening.

From that day that I saw that picture of Elena – something changed, or is changing. It feels like a transformation in me. I have this insane drive to write and to create and to grow and to LET GO of the fears that I’ve built through some of the years. Incredibly also in this time, in the midst of all of this – my yoga teaching developed to a whole another level. And I have this drive in me that wants to built and give something special to the people. Something that can also ignite a little bit of a transformation in them. To let them bring a little bit of Yoga Bled back home. Finally I feel like I am giving something true to the ones coming to my classes.

My other career – which is career in media is on the other hand, “on the edge” right now. I actually don’t know where is going and trust me I am thinking about it – big time. Maybe I’ll write down about it one day in another post.

I had a dream the other day. I was driving my uncle around and he was happy. Smiling. And he told me that he really wishes that this what is happening right now would pass quickly so that he’ll be able to drive motorcycles. And I really wish him that. To transform into happiness. And that he’ll be able to drive those motorcycles if he would like to do that.

When I came to visit him in the hospital, next to his name one nurse drew a small butterfly and nobody else had it in the room. Maybe that is some kind of a symbol they use – but for me it was so special and it made me smile. I have SOOO MANY stories with butterflies already. And then when we were waiting for a doctor in front of his room in the middle of the hall of intensive care – there was a LIVING BUTTERFLY. Just flying all over the hall. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

For me that is a sign he’s going to go to a good place. A transformation is happening. Transformation of life.