“On making your first full-length, and how it breaks your heart”

Note: I wrote this to my high school friends’ (we call our group Bugsy) Facebook group page on one madaling araw of October 2011, days before I shot the awards night sequence, one of the most important scenes in my first full-length film. That scene was the film’s ending, and we had to simulate a real big-budgeted awards night, with big-name celebrities as guests, with the theater in full attendance, and with the venue in extravagant set design. It’s been five months since that day, and Ok Go was right all along: “This too shall pass.” And how.

GUYS, ANG HIRAP GUMAWA NG INDIE, PAKSYET TALAGA. Ang hirap ng walang budget, it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that I need to compromise a lot of things just because I don’t have enough money. I need to fill up an 800-seater theater by just relying on friendship, when I can pay extras to fill up the place kung may pera lang ako. Yung production design ko, mas maganda, mas mukhang pang-Oscars kung mas malaki ang budget. Kung may budget for red carpet, kung may budget for more lights, kung may budget for a giant trophy, kung may bayad for the sikat artistas who’ll appear in my film worth at least 10K each just to appear for one sequence. Syet. Kung may pera lang ako, pwede kong bayaran sina Kim Chiu, sina Gerald Anderson, John Lloyd, etc to be in my film. Pero dahil wala, I’ll have to rely on friendships, on pakiusaps from celebrities I personally know… and mind you, there aren’t a lot of them, at hindi sila bonggang sikat talaga. Alam nyo namang hindi ako beso-beso kind of person, kaya wala akong ka-close masyado na artista.

Ang dami kong hindi gusto sa pelikula ko. Nafu-frustrate ako tuwing pinapanood ko yung mga footage ko. Feeling ko, ang pangit, gusto ko i-reshoot lahat… But I think this is all part of the madness… And the beauty that is called the fucking first film.

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100 Things to Do Before I Die (in no particular order)

1. Sing in a band, or sing on a stage in front of a lot of people. SEMI-DONE! (February 2016, at the OTWOL cast party)
2. Visit Easter Island in Chile.
3. Visit the Great Wall of China.
4. Party in New York.
5. Watch a play in Broadway. - DONE! (March 2016)
6. See the Mona Lisa. - DONE! (February 2014)
7. Have a song I wrote played on the radio.
8. Get a tattoo of my own artwork.
9. Have my film screened at Sundance! ! !
10. Win a Palanca! - DONE! (August 2014, 3rd Prize, Dulang Pampelikula)
11. Publish a book. - DONE! (August 2015, The Arrow With a Heart Pierced Through Him)
12. Gumawa ng isang malaking painting and hang it on my sala's wall.
13. Deliver a memorable commencement speech.
14. Watch Sarah Kaye or Bassey Ikpi do spoken word live in New York.
15. Get a standing ovation for my film.
16. See the Kremlin in Russia.
17. See The Bean in Chicago. DONE! (March 2016)
18. See Macchu Picchu.
19. Watch an NBA game live.
20. Direct a Piolo-Juday film.
21. Do a Paris film.
22. Rotteram or Clairmont-Ferrand! ! !
23. Have a flight upgraded to business class by face value hihi
24. Meet Judith Weston.
25. Watch an Alanis Morisette concert.
26. Meet Brian Andreas.
27. Meet Jason Reitman or Charlie Kauffman.
28. Holy Land pilgrimage for Mama and Papa.
29. See the aurora borealis.
30. Sky-dive in Dubai.
31. Ride a hot air balloon.
32. Buy a farm for Mama and Papa.
33. See the pyramids in Egypt.
34. See the Taj Mahal in India.
35. See the Hagia Sophia in Turkey.
36. See the Pope. - DONE! (September 2015)
37. See the Sagrada Familia. - DONE! (February 2015)
38. Ride the gondola in Venice. - DONE! (April 2012)
39. See the Parthenon in Athens. - DONE! (2011)
40. Walk the Great Wall of China.
41. See the Christ the Redeemer in Brazil.
42. Watch an Olympic game live.
43. See the Niagara Falls in New York or Canada.
44. Write a letter to Juliet in Verona.
45. Write something for Mama and Papa.
46. See the Eiffel Tower. - DONE! (February 2014)
47. See the Macchu Piccu in Peru.
48. See the Stonehenge in England.
49. Walk across Abbey Road in London.
50.