Question

How do I handle my feelings of failure for not breastfeeding?

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I've tried exhaustively -- and unsuccessfully -- to breastfeed my baby. It was always a struggle, even after I got professional help. During my pregnancy I was so excited about the idea of breastfeeding. Now I feel like a failure, especially because of all the information out there about breast milk being best. What should I do?

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Breastfeeding continues to be THE most difficult thing I have ever done...including a drug-free labor. I feel fortunate to have lasted as long as I have (7 months), but it is not easy. It is also not for everone. My advice is to truly give it your absolute best try. Then, if you decide you are finished, you can know that you made the best choice for you. You are not taking the easy wasy out (as some imply) if you really make the effort and just can't do it. Remember though, that it IS really difficult...just like all things that are most rewarding.

This subject is so contentious! It's awful seeing how many people have gotten upset by this discussion.
We all want what is best for our babies but no one thing alone is "best." Breastmilk is better for babies than formula *all other things being equal* -- but all other things never are equal. There was a woman in my mommys' group whose marriage was cracking up at least in part because she was exhausting herself struggling so hard to keep nursing despite a colicky baby, long hours at work, and a poor supply. To me, that's just one example of how everything in life has to be about balance: is a breastfed baby with a newly divorced mom really better off?
My mom breastfed both my sisters but got sick and couldn't nurse me: we don't have any less close a relationship than she has with them! I am still nursing at 11 months and hope to continue, but I recognize that my ability to keep going past the first 6 horrible, excruciating weeks was not due to any virtue of mine, but because I lucked into an overabundant supply, was getting lots of support, and wasn't headed back to work for months. Those of us who have been able to breastfeed are in no position to judge those who tried but haven't.

I can understand what you feel like. I tried breastfeeding my daughter. She quit after a former friend hugged me because he had very stong cologne on and some of it rubbed off on me. So when I became pregnant with my son, I told his father that I was going to breastfeed because I believed it to be the best. However, when my son was almost a week old, he quit taking the breast. I too felt like a complete failure. I was up constantly during the night with him and during the day time too. Then, I tried giving him a bottle of formula. I felt so much better when I seen him gulping the formula down that we decided that formula was best for him. We also decided that I should give up breastfeeding when after eating 15 minutes before he was screaming at the top of his lungs because he was hungry again.

The best advice anyone ever gave me was "What's best for the mom, is best for the baby." If you feel like you have given it your best, don't feel guilty. There millions of healthy beautiful bottle fed babies in this world.

Breastfeeding is best, but if you physically can't breastfeed, it is best to just accept that and move on. It is fine to grieve the loss of something you were looking forward to, but if you let guilt eat away at you, your baby could sense that, misinterpreting your unhappiness when bottle feeding him as displeasure with him! Enjoy lots of cuddles as you bottle feed.
I feel bad for you, since I love breastfeeding my daughter, and I think it has made a difference in her life, but you've tried your best. What else can you do? It isn't like we have wet-nurses these days.

I agree with the previous posters, that you are by no means a failure!
I was driving down the highway the other day and I saw a sign that said "Babies Are Born To Be Breastfed". I thought it was such a presumptious billboard!
I breastfeed my baby, and thankfully we haven't had any problems. But mothers who aren't able to breastfeed should not be made to feel like they are any less of a mother because of it.
Best Wishes to you and your lovely baby! :)

My brother and his wife had a baby who could not latch on at all. They didn't give him a bottle though, either. They fed the baby pumped breast milk in a syringe! They also worked with a lactation consultant until he learned and he became a breastfeeding pro. Now that's dedication! They said that the "consultants" that help you in the hospital are not qualified the same as ones you hire on your own and can actually make thing worse by getting you and baby very frustrated or by saying you are "starving" your baby. Even the hospital does not always have your baby's best interest at heart. They are encouraged to give you formula as they receive free samples not to mention kickbacks. Be very wary!

Just feel good that you gave it your best shot. I know a woman who refused to even try. She could only think about her own convenience (for example, she didn't want to have to get up for every feeding). You clearly care deeply for your child and are doing your very best -- and that is wonderful. So please don't beat yourself up!

I feel that after having read a lot of the comments that I need to add to mine. As I said, I tried to bf, but my milk never seemed to come in. Before I gave birth, I took a bf class. I also tried 9 years to have a baby. After hearing all of the wonderful things about bf, I was determined to make it work. I told the nurses after my daugher was born..." No binkis, no bottles because that creates nipple confusion" After tring unsucessfully, I went to the bf teacher and 2 lactation consultants for help. The baby was latching on properly but then would stop and scream bloody murder because she was hungry. As I said, she also was not urinating. The nurses in the hospital told me that I was starving my baby! (I was even more devistated now!) They asked me to consider giving her a bottle-just this once- just so she would go to the bathroom. She drank a two oz bottle in seconds! I am not kidding. She was starving.
That was when I went to the doctor for help. I asked for a pill/ a shot/ anything that would make the milk come in. Nothing. I spent hours pumping and trying to get my milk to come in. My best friend (who is 10 years older than me and has 6 children all of whom she breastfed sucsessfully) begged me not to give up. She pleaded with me to come to her house and she would help me. I was in her house for ten minutes and she told me to go to Wal-Mart and buy a bottle of formula! She could not believe how much my daughter was crying! Again, please don't feel guilty. I then took her to the ped and she lost weight. I again was crying at the ped's office. SHE told me that it wasn't worth the distress and to give my baby a bottle of formula--this is from the baby doc!!! There is only so much you can do and only so long you can stick to it.

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