By Nury Vittachi

Friday, 15 February 2008

By Nury Vittachi* ALMOST EVERY time you pick up the phone in Hong Kong, you end up with a good laugh – as mentioned in part one of this series (see Feb 13 posting).Here are eight more real-life transcripts of conversations.

Sarah Morris went to the Apple Camera Shop in Kowloon to follow up on a suspiciously cheap price she had been offered for a Canon EOS 10 camera. The staff member recognized her as soon as she walked in.

“Sorry. No camera.”

“What? Have you run out of stock?”

“No. They finished make. They no more make this model.”

“You’re telling me Canon does not make the EOS 10 any more?”

“Canon no make any cameras now.”

5.

Writer Simon Winchester phoned the concierge at the Mandarin Oriental hotel to ask him for some Beethoven. The usual concierge was off so Simon spoke to a young staff member.

“Do you know who Beethoven is?”

“No. What room is he in?”

“No, no, he’s dead.”

“Oh. We’d better call security.”

6.

A friend called the MTR Corp, Hong Kong’s main underground transit system, to ask the name of the melody that was playing in a loop on the station sound system.

“What is the music that is playing in the stations?”

“It’s a tape.”

“Yes, but what do you call it?”

“We call it ‘a tape’.”

7.

A journalist called the Hong Kong office of Hawley and Hazel Chemical Co.

“Good morning. Do you have a public relations department?”

“No, we don’t.”

“Do you use an agency for your public relations?”

“Yes, we do.”

“Can I have their name and contact number?”

“No, I’m sorry. That information is confidential.”

If that firm’s PR agency is reading this, now you know why you never get any referrals.

8.

Reporter Nick Griffin was weighed in a Hong Kong hospital.The reading showed he was underweight.

“It says 50 kilos.”

“This must be the ladies’ scales.”

[The nurse then goes to the male ward and returns with another weighing machine.]

“This is from a male ward.”

“Sixty kilos.”

Nick said to me afterwards: “So there you have it. In Hong Kong, a kilo of male does not weigh the same as a kilo of female.”

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

The ten silliest real-life phone transcriptsBy Nury Vittachi*In Asia, we mostly try to do business in English. But we all speak our own versions of the language. And for some unknown reason, the most ridiculous conversations always seem to happen when one phones a business in Hong Kong. Here are ten real-life phone conversations that took place in the city on the south coast of China.*1.I phoned an oil company executive late one afternoon."Is Mr Wong there please?""Get out.""?!""Get out.""Do you mean ‘gone home’?""Yes."Receptionist training has a long way to go in Hong Kong.*2.Brian Parker phoned the Arts Festival hotline to get seats at his favourite opera."Hello. Can I book two tickets for Tosca please?""Sorry. Oscar he on holiday." [Click.]*3.Jimmy Cheung phoned a company hotline."Is that the 24-hour hotline?""Yes.""Is there someone there who can help me?""No. We’re closed.""When should I call back?""Try next week."*4. Alan Skyrme phoned an export firm in Kowloon. A receptionist answered:"Mr Chan’s office.""Is he available?""He is out of town. He is due back from his trip yesterday.""If he was due back yesterday, can I get hold of him?""Please call back yesterday."*5.Ram Sajnani phoned Pizza Hut in Tsim Sha Tsui."How much does it cost to host a party for children and adults?""Same price, 33 dollars, for both children and humans."*6.Paul Frankland phoned Café de Paris in Lan Kwai Fong."My name is Frankland. I wish to cancel my reservation for tonight.""You have a reservation for two people at 8 pm.""Yes. I wish to cancel it.""May I have your telephone number?""Why do you need my number if am canceling my reservation?""Okay. Thanks. See you tonight."*7.Enzo Pesci made a long distance call from Italy to his office in Hong Kong."Good morning. I am Mr Pesci. Can I speak with—""I am sorry. Mr Pesci is in Italy. But if you leave your name and phone number—""I know Mr Pesci is in Italy because I am Mr Pesci.""In that case, you do not need to leave your name and number."*8.Patrick Tuohy phoned KPS Video Express when he saw a customer reach the counter."I’ve left my membership card in the office.""Can you remember your name?"[Sarcastically] "Sorry, but it’s on the card in my office."[Unruffled] Okay. Well, how about your phone number?"*9. Craig Sanderson’s house was suffering a power cut on Cheung Chau island. He decided to phone Park ’n’ Shop supermarket to see if it was open, or whether it had also had a blackout."Is that Park n shop?""Yes.""Do you have any electricity?""No, sir. We don’t sell electricity."*10.Chris Hunter called a business contact."Can I speak to the managing director?""How to spell?""Can I speak to the managing director?""What’s your name?""Mr Hunter.""Mr Hunter is out."[click.]