LEAH GARCHIK'S PERSONALS

Published 4:00 am, Tuesday, February 22, 2000

One person loved San Francisco and one hated it, and they both wrote essays in last week's travel section of the Toronto Globe & Mail, forwarded to Personals by Bob Burgess.

The San Francisco fan was Steve Wright, who described one delicious afternoon here, in what he calls "the crown jewel of the West Coast." After eight hours in the city, writes Wright, "San Francisco's sights and sounds dance through your head. Before your head hits the pillow, think of the cafes of North Beach, the seals lounging at the bay, the stunning vistas and architecture . . . the pleasures of a day stolen in San Francisco."

Anne Fenn, on the other hand, responds to Conde Nast Traveler's having named San Francisco the No. 1 city in the United States. "Either there's a mono-cultural conspiracy at play," she writes, "or someone's asleep at the wheel of the Zeitgeist Commission, because the truth is that Haight-Ashbury, Berkeley and Castro have been usurped by Banana Republic, Starbucks and the Gap."

Fenn calls San Francisco "the workaholic domain of Ikea Boy. The most successful 'alternative' city in North America is the victim of its own success, its dynamic countercultural dimensions all but consumed by consumerism. . . . The coolest thing left in San Francisco is the fog."

Marc Huestis forwards Rex Reed's New York Observer description of spending a horrendous night in jail after being charged (erroneously and unfairly, he says) with shoplifting some CDs, including one by Peggy Lee.

On Valentine's Day, he writes, two days after the incident, "I got a call from Peggy Lee's press agent, who told me she was so thrilled I wanted one of her CDs enough to put myself through so much hell that she was sending me her entire collection."

'BUG SONGS' AND OTHER GIGS

Reading about the barbershop quartet that turned down a gig to sing bug songs, a first-grade teacher in the neighborhood says that her students would have filled the gig readily. "We are rife with bug songs," she writes, "and always in need of a bit of extra cash." And Byron Bolling suggests "Bee My Love," "Ant Misbehavin," "Gnat Now My Love," "Shoo Fly" and "Glow Little Glow Worm."

And Joshua Raoul Brody says that his group, the Stupeds, has accepted a gig to dress as "revolutionaries" -- berets and combat gear -- for a party celebrating some "revolutionary" high-tech innovation. The group has been practicing songs by the Beatles, Tracy Chapman, the Jefferson Airplane, Rolling Stones and Temptations that have "revolution" in the name or lyrics, "or even remotely related to protest ('People Got to Be Free') or rebellion ('Rebel Yell')." The Stupeds aren't sure, though, that anyone will get the concept.

P.S. Inspired by BART ticket machine signs that warn "Soft Old Bills Jam," Gar Smith is trying to assemble a Dixieland band "comprised exclusively of pudgy retirees named William."

THE VOGUE FOR UGLY WITH AMERICANS BY THE SUV-FULL

With Americans by the SUV-full flocking to Target, Restoration Hardware and Ikea, the masses are honing in on good taste. In response, says the Wall Street Journal, hip tastemakers are going for the ugly.

"Good taste is a bore," said Joe Holtzman of New York, whose neighbors looked into his apartment across an alley and put up a sign that said "Ugly." Holtzman had covered everything in his kitchen (floors, ceiling and walls) with a loud '70s geometric pattern.

"It used to be the cognoscenti had style and everyone else was out of date. Now, everything has gone too tasteful and groovy," said Simon Doonan, creative director of Barneys New York. Doonan quoted style icon Diana Vreeland: "Vulgarity is a very important ingredient in life."

WHO SAID WHAT

"I have heard her version, and I think it is sensual and mystical. I also feel that she's chosen autobiographical verses that reflect her career and personal history. I hope it will cause people to ask what's happening to music in America. I have received many gifts from God, but this is the first time I have ever received a gift from a goddess."

Don McLean on Madonna's newly released version of his 1971 hit, "American Pie."