We are all here to learn. To grow. To fail. To fail again and then, to pick ourselves back up and start over.

As life would have it, the past week has been chock-full of lessons and I have witnessed my shadow side coming through with some force. I would say "oh, hey there!" to Mercury retrograde, but I am stepping into a place of authenticity to say it is more than that. It is my responsibility to take ownership of my shadow side and fill that space with love, light and awareness. The shadow side is basically defined by how it sounds... it is the darkness of ourselves, our short comings, the areas which are in need of our greatest growth.

So honest confession time. I drank too much this weekend. Ouch. The embarrassment. I rarely have these instances nowadays. Nonetheless, it happened and now is the time to take ownership of it.

I have also experienced similar blockages with coffee. I wrote myself a letter last week to convey my thoughts about why I reach for a cup of coffee from time to time and the true meaning behind it. It was a letter from my higher self as a reminder of how I feel under the influence of this substance. The emotions and feelings that come up for me when I indulge in a cup, include (not limited to) having the jitters, a need to move from one thing to the next, stomach problems, issues going to sleep, challenges being in the present moment and in my meditation space. Everybody, every body, is different. I am incredibly sensitive to such substances, so coffee and alcohol effect me and my life's path in a negative way.

We are all unique and respond to external forces differently. Rather then say, "let's eliminate these things completely", it is more so to convey the message of being connected with your own body. Tune in. Feel what's going on within your body and mind while on and off these substances and anything else, for that matter. Ask your body what it is that it needs or can do without.

While under these substances, I ask myself "what is the intention behind my use or attachment to the need of these external sources?"

This is about stepping into vulnerability and using it for our highest growth. My history and failures with substances like alcohol and coffee will fuel my growth, my journey in self awareness and will help me continue to become the person I am meant to be.

Dear substances,

You are not good for me and my highest growth. You create a toxic environment within my body, my temple. A place which my pure spirit and essence of who I am decides to leave me when these drugs come into play. In the past, I used alcohol to make me “the life of the party” and to give me a sense of "liquid courage." I used coffee to make me a more productive worker, to give me the extra shot of energy that I believe I needed. This pattern continued on for years. The day after drinking, I would walk around with enormous amounts of anxiety. I was constantly worried about what I did and what I said. I recognized that it wasn’t the way I wanted to lead my life. I have read many articles and pondered my relationship with these substances in the past. Alcohol literally means "spirit-killer" and that is how I feel while I am heavily under the influence. Over the last two years, I have drastically limited the amount of times I drink alcohol and coffee. Nonetheless, I still have challenges and areas of growth around it.

My apology. I apologize to anyone whom I may have hurt under the influence of such substances. I apologize for any inappropriate behavior. I apologize for using hurtful words when I was not connected and aligned with my higher self. I apologize for letting myself down. I apologize for putting chemicals into my body and not treating my body as the temple that it is. I apologize for the people I have let down when I wasn’t in the right state of mind or quite frankly, even present in my own body. I apologize for decisions I have made that may have put myself and others in harms way. I apologize.

Again, I find solace in the ho'oponopono prayer. This prayer is what I say as healing for myself and those around me. I say this prayer to send love and light to the mistakes and challenges that I have caused to my body. The meaning behind this powerful healing affirmation is sent to those who may have been negatively effected by my lack of mindfulness while under the influences of such substances.

What do you need to forgive yourself for? Who do you need to send this prayer to? Say it silently to yourself, while in meditation. Breathe in the words. Truly feel and mean them. See the words being sent to the person or area of your body that needs it most.

I continue on my journey of learning to be the best guide and coach that I can be. This is real. This is truth. I am far from perfect. I am also stepping into a place of vulnerability by sharing my story and my challenges. It is my hope that we truly help each other learn about what we are putting into our bodies and what our intentions are behind these practices.

Have you experienced similar situations as this? What is it trying to show you? What is it teaching you? Where do you still need to improve?

For me, it’s to continue to learn and grow from my failures. I look at my failures through the eye of how I can use it for further self expansion and awareness.

This week, the universe showed me a powerful quote attributed to Michael Jordan. He is known as one of the greatest basketball players of all time. Yet, he was quoted speaking about his mishaps. The number of games he had lost in his career. The number of times he has missed a game winning point. The number of times he has failed as a basketball player. He specifically calls out how he used his failures for inspiration, to get up and try again. To strive to be the best that he could be. He did not let failure define him, rather he used failure as fuel.

That’s my intention as a guide and the owner of AOK Soul Coach. I am not perfect; far from it. I fall out of alignment and I make mistakes. I believe that this is what makes me a better coach. I recognize challenge as a means for growth, especially during times when I have allowed my ego to steer my life. It isn’t very pleasant! In fact, it is down right uncomfortable, it is anxiety ridden, it is shame. These emotions and feelings are vital because it brings me back to center and to what really matters, loving awareness.

To be able to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made and use that darkness and shame for my greatest growth.

My body is my temple. My body is my haven. When I allow chemicals and substances like alcohol and coffee into my body, it lowers my vibration. It causes me to lose sight of my intuition, it disconnects me from my source of love and goodness. It’s a reminder for me to always be mindful of the intention behind any practice, behind anything I choose to give my attention to.

I encourage you to ask yourself the same questions. What is your intention behind what you choose to engage in?

Step into a place of liberation by shining light on your darkness and shadow side.

So here we continue to come... a new week and new lessons to be found around every corner. There is no judgement here. This is a safe space. Please feel free to call me to share your shadow side, the only way to grow from it is to acknowledge it, shine light on it and let it breathe. Let's do this together. It is not so scary when you have a partner.

Please give me a call at 203-554-1324 or send me an email at alexa@aoksoulcoach.com to connect. We can do this!