So I was super sick and pretty medicated during the finale, not gonna lie. And although typically that means I would watch a second time around, I will honestly say that I’m pretty glad I wasn’t fully sober for this finale. Producers: “How can we make this more uncomfortable for everyone?” Rachel: “Oh I know!…

I don’t think these hometowns could have been more painful if they had actually casted it. Like… how on earth did they find these people? This brings me back to the national treasure that is Jojo’s mom.. Eric takes Rachel on a hometown but producers try not to pan out far enough that you can…

Rachel twirls around for the camera while the men skip around Geneva like it’s the best place in the world. All the men: “What a great place to get dumped on national tv!” Rachel misses the mark in that boxy all white outfit but Eric one ups her with the weird smallest scarf of all…

Serial killer Jack Stone gets a one on one? What a waste. Honestly, does this guy know how to look at anyone without having his chin to the ground and using only the top 1/3 of his eyeballs to make contact? Do you think it would write cryptic love notes in blood and using newspaper…

First and foremost, I spoke too soon about the RIP of BIP. Turns out the investigation is over and Corrine is looking more and more like a BF liar. YIKES. I’m not a fan of Demari-NO but it looks like he’s in the clear. Filming is restarting but Corrine is not invited. But is no…

Wait.. wait… waiiiitttttt. We can’t start without discussing the s–t storm that is BIP. Or, as I shall now refer to it – RIP BIP because that ship has sailed off the coast of Sayulita; never to be heard of or seen again. Turns out Corrine and Demari-NO were set up on a story line…

Let’s jump right to the fact that Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis show up to provide some assistance while casually making fun of the guys as they go through a “Husband Material Obstacle Course”. Before they even start, Ashton meets Lucas, experiences the Whaboom, and hopefully immediately made a call to his agent to ask…

Chris Harrison introduces himself in an incredibly unnecessary moment. Because we know. Chris…we know. He flashes us back to her ‘romance’ with Nick where he pretended that she wasn’t WAY too good for him. Rachel intros herself as ‘sweet sour sassy but classy’. Poet or lawyer? Producers stage a few opportunities for Rachel to prove…

HOLY CANNOLI it’s finally time. Time again to watch a smart, beautiful, sophisticated woman hopefully not disappoint us all by picking a douche bag in a v neck t shirt with a headshot that would make Glamour Shots proud. But honestly, please see exhibits 1-6 below and note the use of the High School Portrait…

Ew. 3 hours? I will say that even though this is the longest episode this season – and of all time… this will be the shortest blog. Because we already know Rachel is leaving soooooo the suspense is a bit lost, don’t ya think? Anywho. We start this episode with a cheesy montage of Raven…