Lord have mercy there are SO many disparate topics bursting from my “seems” this morning, my pants might just split down the seat!!! How in Krishna’s name will I choose which thread to follow? It’s not even like a paltry fork in my mind’s road… it’s like a whole prismatic collision. Hmmm… Maybe that’s what I AM- a prismatic collision. Just like a star…

I want to say it ALL. And I want to say it all beautifully. Tall order. But just now, as I was slogging through the swamp of my pre-blogging anxiety, a question sparkled upon the surface of my mind: What would I say if I truly knew that I was already complete, whole, perfect and divine, with nothing to prove and nowhere to get to? God, that’s a question I want to crawl inside of and make a happy and lasting home, such that informs every single moment of my life.

Well, I am back on the lawn, outside Master’s Market, at Ananda (aka “the Momshram”). I will be returning to the Land of Oaks this afternoon. And even though this visit has been a day shorter than most, “on paper”, in practice, it has been timeless. And I am *not* just saying that to be poetic or philosophical. I’m serious. I have not been existing in time. Only in the motion of perpetual presence. But not the usual, unrelenting suck of time and space.

I think one of the byproducts of daily meditation is attunement to the more subtle expressions of being alive. In our modern world, we are bombarded by so much noise and stimulus, that many of us become addicted to cheap, rough, empty and continuous “strokes”, in order to feel that we actually exist.

I’m certainly not declaring myself exempt from this concealed, contemporary plight of the human soul… but I will testify, that the more I practice sitting in quiet, and bypassing the continuous, shallow roar of my mind, the more I am able to recognize the song of peace that is always singing oh so softly from within everything.

Yesterday my Ma and I went to sunday service together. The talk addressed the subject of living in a state deep calmness. Honestly, hearing radiant Anandi speak about it felt startling and revolutionary. She said that when we let go and let God be the doer, this is the smooth, rolling continuum on which our lives unfurl, like a red carpet rolling its way to the exalted feet of Ultimacy. I want that. And in truth, I don’t quite “get it”. Like, how would this peaceful and connected surf across waving time and space be any different than who I am, here and now?

Well… it wouldn’t. And yet…

Is GOD the author of this spree through Athena Graceland? Or is it but a cheap, ego fever dream imitation? The lines are smeary, you see? And then, there’s a heavy-handed chance we’ll wake up and realize none of this really even happened.

Was God the doer when my heart tumbled through dilapidated floorboards and fell into a room of love and like and live and lust with our beloved, married friend Edward? That’s a controversial topic. Because on one hand, what ISN’T God in this life? I’m inclined to cast my vote as NOTHING. And yet… on the yogic path, there is such a thing as “right action”. And I don’t think that includes getting involved with a married man.

I’m gonna pause and breathe here. Here. In THIS moment. Because I started to feel tense, considering that I did something WRONG. Really, I don’t even believe in “right” and “wrong”… But I do believe that every action sends ripples throughout all creation.

After I wrote about my ex-fiance Eric a couple of blogs ago, I got an email from his wife, kindly reminding me that I had left out the crucial piece about how Eric’s current state of extreme closure to me is a result of the WAY that I left him: for another man. Sigh. Yes, Mrs. Eric… it’s true. And now I’m in another situation where the bridge of love and respect *seems* hopelessly burned. I often feel Ed’s wife in my heart. I consider her heart, and what she must be going through… And I wish I could be a friend to her. A sister. I wish I could be a space for her to speak her raw, unfiltered experience and feelings… and invite her into inspired realms of possibility and desire. Like okay sister, now that your drab, wilted marriage is waning, WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT TO CREATE?? Like not from security and familiarity… but from tender, vibrant desire, inspiration and passion…

I’m not sure that she has someone in her life who is inviting her into that juice-laden inquiry. God I want that for her. And I know… ultimately, I must remember that it’s not my job to pull the levers and cranks and push the big, glowing buttons that operate the multiverse. But I can’t help but want her to be happy and turned on and tapped in. What a contradiction… that my actions have played a leading role in the undoing of the safe, insulated world she has built… which could be construed as careless and inconsiderate… And yet I really do care. But the truth is, it will be PURE GENEROSITY and GRACE if she ever opens her arms and her heart to me… sigh.

I often wonder… do we REALLY have a choice in the unfolding continuum of our lives?… or has the sprawling garland of moments been strung well before we even squeezed through that hot narrow slit between our mother’s legs? I know it’s very popular these days to believe in “free will”… but from all that I have lived thus far, and intimately observed in the lives of those near to me, I can’t help but feel that the irresistible, gravitational suck toward the whos and whats, wheres, whens and hows that fashion and shape the scopes of our lives are so much stronger than anything we could muster with the paltry muscles of our isolated, half-baked imaginations. Please don’t misunderstand… I’m not bashing the sublime masterpiece that is your imagination and creative force… I’m merely suggesting that the tapestry is FAR TOO INTRICATE and COMPLEX to think that we, alone, are in charge.

And in the long run, this is totally cool. Because, just like at the deli, we are each clutching a paper number that we pulled out of the red, plastic dispenser, and when our number is called, it will be our turn to go HOME. That is, to remember the unbounded miracle, the LOVE we always were and always will be. And perhaps when we “arrive” (awaken to that which we always have been), time will collapse, and we will have an epic laugh because like any other dream, we will realize none of this really happened… but it was somehow fun to pretend it WAS, for a frivolous, infinite sprinkle…

But I digress. I want to exist in a state of perpetual calmness and soul peace as I navigate this perplexing jungle of relationships, circumstances and the mundane, mythological underbrush of human existence.