Listen Carefully

Lyrical Review: 3OH!3 Wrecked A Train

We’re back for another all-important Lyrical Review. Here’s what iTunes Notes say about the latest album from 3OH!3:

3OH!3 created the undisputed party soundtrack of dorm rooms nationwide, an incoming freshman’s dream and a residence advisor’s nightmare.

Well. That’s it, folks. Our futures are f’d. Officially, per the experts at iTunes. If iTunes is correct, this is a little sample of the brilliance going into the ears of America’s youth. Here’s our Lyrical Review of 3OH!3’s My First Kiss and their sidekick Ke$ha (really? can we lose the fucking dollar sign?).

My first went a little like this
And twist
And twist

Well my first kiss went a little like this
And twist
And twist

Jumping in right here! Is this a cinquain? Um. Nope. Those has five lines. This must be some other sort of formal verse that we didn’t learn about in English class. Let’s see where this goes. I’m hopeful that the young minds of America are just reliving the summer between fifth and sixth grade (or whatever age the kids start “twisting” at the end of their kisses). We also have no idea to what that refers, but that could be that we’re just getting older, more lame and don’t like shitty music. ONWARD!

I said no more teachers and no more books
I got a kiss under the bleachers
Hoping that nobody looks

Lips like liquorish tongue like candy
Excuse me miss
But can I get you out your panties?

Uuhhhhhhh. What? I get the distinct feeling we’re just playing rhyme time. Oh! Now I see. The first part about “hoping no one looks” is just ironic because after the kiss (and presumed twist), we’re moving at warp speed directly to sans undies. Irony. 3OH!3 always bringing the clever to the party in the most ironic ways. Ironic, indeed. Note the manners, too. It’s polite to use “miss.” Maybe the future’s looking up after all.

In the back of the car
On our way to the bar
I got you on my lips
(I got you on my lips)
At the foot of the stairs
With my fingers in your hair
Baby, this is it

She won’t ever get enough
Once she gets a little touch
If I had it my way
You know that I’d make her say
Ooooooh
Ooooooh (x2)

Forget what I said about the future looking up. We’re fucking doomed. Are these the same two people presumably making out under a bleacher somewhere earlier? Have we traveled through time? To what “bar” are these bleacher exhibitionists going? Applebee’s?

My first kiss went a little like this
I said no more sailors
And no more soldiers
With your name in a heart
Tattooed up on the shoulders
Your kiss is like whiskey
It gets me drunk
And I wake up in the morning
With the taste of your tongue

So. Confused. Sailors? Soldiers? Are they talking about actual servicemen and women?If so, Toby Keith wants to kick 3OH!3’s ass about now. Whiskey? The best songs involving whiskey never mentioned the word “whiskey” (except this one). Those songs just let you know whiskey was involved with their lyrical awesomeness (read: anger or sadness).

In the back of the car
On our way to the bar
I got you on my lips
(I got you on my lips)
At the foot of the stairs
With my fingers in your hair
Baby, this is it

She won’t ever get enough
Once she gets a little touch
If I had it my way
You know that I’d make her say
Ooooooh
Ooooooh (x2)

I quit. Seriously. “Baby, this is it?!” This is really about nothing, which is fine and good from time to time, but this happens to be so incredibly bad at the same time. Even if the song is some partially-veiled allusion to something else far more sinister than kissing, it’s still lyrically devoid of anything. Uh-uh. And twist. We’re not going any further. Music doesn’t have to be serious all the time. I get that. However this is the equivalent of hanging up your pre-school coloring book in a museum, selling it for a half-million dollars and then making fun of the actual artists for getting annoyed with it. And twist. If you’re band name is a text abbreviation or involves some ill-placed special character, you’ve got a lot to overcome.

We apologize for the negativity, but upon discussion with another contributor, this musical injustice needed commentary. Don’t doubt our standards, we’ll get those rehabilitated quick, fast and in a hurry. Weekender is in the works.