Dr. Sally: When love goes bad

Dr. Sally Porter Ross is a Houston psychologist who drives the Middle Lane on Wednesdays. Today she writes about heart break — and recovery:

“I’m just in shock. I can’t believe it. I really thought that I was going to grow old with this woman. And now she says, ‘It’s over. We’re done; it’s time to just move on.’ So that’s it? All that love, all our plans — they’re just history now? God, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

Todd was experiencing the raw pain of getting dumped. And, to make it worse, he didn’t see it coming. On average, it takes us three times as long to get over something we didn’t anticipate than something we realized was possible or likely.

Gore Vidal once said: “Love — when I hear that word, I reach for my revolver.”

Gore Vidal

Most of us can relate to that once we’ve gone through a major breakup. While there is no way to escape the pain that comes with this experience, here are some tips that can help:

1. Remember that no experience is wasted if you learn from it. As best you can, try to pull back from the emotional impact and look objectively at what happened. In retrospect, is there anything you could have done differently? What learning can you carry with you into your next relationship? And, most importantly, how can you best take care of yourself now?

2. Keep your eye on the progress you’re making. As I tell my patients: “When you’re going through Hell, keep moving.” You don’t want to tarry too long in the land of acute suffering. Living through each day after the breakup is hard, but it builds strength. One of my favorite writers, Faulkner, emphasized the dignity of just surviving. Don’t expect a quick fix of happiness, but do realize that you are slowly but surely healing.

3. Follow the Premack principal. This is sometimes called “Grandma’s Law.’ It involves a basic health plan for recovery: exercise at least 30 minutes a day, eat a minimum of one balanced meal a day and spend at least 7-8 hours in bed each night (even if you aren’t sleeping all of that time). Also — and this is very important — avoid people who bring you down, even if they are well-intended.

4. Finally, seek help if needed. Sometimes getting a professional, objective point of view can make all the difference.

It seems that all of us are due at least one really hurtful, disappointing relationship in our lives. But from my experience, after the first death, there is no other. In other words, you may certainly get hurt again, but it will never have the overwhelming quality of pain as the first major ending of a significant relationship.

Have you gone down this path? If so, what seemed to help you get through it? And what, if anything, seemed to impede your progress?

4 Responses

People, many of them trained psychologists, will tell you that it will only hurt for a while.
For some people the period of “a while” lasts forever. For some others, it only lasts until you meet the next soulmate.
There is no easy answer.