Do’s and Don’ts on Valentine’s Day Gifts for Lawyers

Valentine’s Day: The one day each year that lawyers are expected to have feelings. If you’re dating (or worse—married) to a lawyer, you know they need even the most rudimentary pointers to be able to express their love. Still, love it blind, so if you care enough to impress the lawyer in your life this weekend—and you’re flummoxed about what to buy your special JD—avoid the following hazards and stick with our suggestions. WHAT NOT TO BUY YOUR LAWYER GIRLFRIEND:

SEXY UNDERWEAR

Just consider the average eating habits of a lawyer during the week: Bagel and cream cheese, morning latte, deli buffet lunch, afternoon soda, take-out dinner, evening latte, and then either a pint of ice cream or a couple glasses of wine to unwind. All with little time for exercise. Even if your lawyer girlfriend cleans up okay and isn’t completely embarrassing, she isn’t going to look good in lingerie. Your gift is just going to make her insecure about her figure. It’s a good gift if you think it’ll lead her to her dieting and working out more, but odds are that she won’t improve herself. Becoming more self-conscious will just lead to her being inhibited in bed.

What to Get Instead: Candleholder for the bedroom (with candles and matches)

Not only are candles and candleholders a romantic choice, they’re also practical. Everyone looks better in candlelight. Get a holder for a larger candle, not tapers. Tapers will end up on the dining table, not in the bedroom. And be careful with scents. Floral and weird “fresh” scents (Linen, Summer Breeze, etc.) will end up in the bathroom.

It won’t set you back much, so you should supplement it by sending flowers, chocolates or a nice gift basket to her office. (Harry & David offers a reasonably priced Valentine’s Day themed tower of chocolates.) Something that big and showy will make her female coworkers jealous—and might help the male coworkers get the hint that she’s off the market.

Pro: A candle on the nightstand can take three months of SeamlessWeb off your lawyer girlfriend’s ass.

Con: House fire.

WHAT NOT TO BUY YOUR LAWYER BOYFRIEND:

COUPONS

No sex coupons, no chore coupons. No coupons for a blow job, no coupons to get out a fight—nothing. Lawyers are neurotic, stressed out and incredibly anal when it comes to any interpretive issue.

An ordinary guy is going to wonder about whether you really mean he can use them at any time, and whether or not you’re secretly expecting something in return. A lawyer is going to experience the same hassle, plus the annoyance of trying to figure out exactly what your coupons mean. Does “Good for One Quickie Anywhere You Want” refer to location or orifice? Does “One Night of Passionate Lovemaking” mean you will provide the passion, or is he being given carte blanche? Sexy coupons basically turn Valentine’s Day into an issue-spotting relationship nightmare.

What to get instead: Sexy photos

Take some NSFW pictures of yourself and send them to him embedded in an email. He’ll get a nice distraction from work, and embedding it in an e-mail means there’s no incriminating browser history or downloaded files. Go ahead and accept that he’s going to show the pictures to his coworkers—because part of the gift is boosting his reputation at the office.

Pro: After he shows the pictures around, he probably won’t want you to hang out with his work friends for a while.

Con: It’s a “Reply to All” disaster waiting to happen.

If you don’t have a body good enough to pull off sexy pics, go with a bottle of nice liquor. He’s going to need some booze in him anyway if he’s going to continue being in a relationship with a saggy, shapeless woman. Patrón XO Cafe is a good choice if he likes coffee. Avoid Scotch, unless you like making out with peat-mouth. Or just get him this.

For those of you worried about the egg white, it doesn’t change the flavor; it just creates a nice white foam on the top (the “lacy” part). If you’re lazy or incompetent, just get a carton of egg whites and measure out about 1 1/4 ounces. Also, try not to die. Raw egg isn’t particularly safe.

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20 Comments

Alma Federer

February 9, 2010 at 3:22 am

If I had a steady boyfriend who cared about me, he would know I would appreciate him taking me out to a very nice restaurant and having a very nice dinner. He would not scowl as I selected my appetizers and entree (the best ones would be expensive), and he would select a very nice bottle of wine (preferably pinot grigiot). We might order dessert in the restaurant (I love cheezecake), or we could leave and go elsewhere. Afterward, he would arrange for a horse drawn carriage to take us around Central Park, and then we would head on back to my apartment. n see that it could be very nice. For you guys, this is something to look forward to with your girlfriends if you treat them right. If not, you will not have any fun, any day of the week.

Alma, you are completely asinine. Your comment on this article was like smearing feces across a Monet. News flash: most guys enjoy a romantic night out with their significant other…. until it is something expected. The fact that you would expect anyone to follow that little roadmap, and thereby removing any sense of creativity or romanticism from the gesture is pathetic. And likely the reason you sleep cold and alone. Happy v-day.

Alma, Valentine’s day is something that goes both ways, hence the gifts for guys and girls. That your night is asinine I’ll ignore, but the fact you wouldn’t have had anything planned for your BF is sad.

My life sucks. I hate practicing law, I hate my girlfriend, and I hate Valentines Day. Anyone who actually enjoys Valentines Day, or for that matter, enjoys life on any level, should just kill themselves. Ugh. I thought I was supposed to “Come Bitter, Leave Happy”. Now its just Come Bitter, Leave Suicidal.

Honestly, I’m getting tired of the jokes that all female lawyers are in terrible shape. Do you think men are immune to this? I love how this article slams women lawyer’s bodies and tells men how to avoid looking at them in full light only to suggest that instead of giving your male lawyer a bj coupon you send him a sexy pic? How about a freaking treadmill for his fat ass? If you’re going to slam lawyers’ physique, let’s do so evenhandedly because honestly, the female lawyers at my firm work way harder to look good (and succeed) than their balding, potbellied male counterparts.

Agree with BobLawLaw… I don’t see lots of hot, chiseled, jacked up male lawyers out there. Like ever. Why do so many lame guys think going to law school makes them taller, cooler, hotter, etc…? A JD does not eliminate lameness. Or ugliness. Peace.

you missed the obvious point on the lingerie–even if your girlfriend is in shape (and agree with BobLaw that more female lawyers are in shape than guy lawyers…), it’s not a gift for her–it’s a gift for you.

Also, I wouldn’t want a damn candle. I’d take lingerie any day over a dumb candle (it’s too generic and shows a lack of effort). Lingerie can be unique -a work of art even- and carries with it a guaranteed good time! I checked out BL1Y’s blog yesterday. Pretty funny. Didn’t know he lived in Tuscaloosa… I used to visit friends there alot when I was in college. Fun town, but it has nothing on my Athens.. Go Dawgs!

I love both KateLaw and Hannah Palindrome. I would like you both to join my “team”, because as we say in Ghana, there’s no ‘I’ in “team”. There is a ‘me’, though, if you jumble it up. If both of you want to join me, we can have a fantastic threesome on Valentine’s Day. Hanna can do her thing, and KateLaw, sans boyfriend, can join in too. I guarantee you will be very satisfied and exhausted!

Might I suggest the practical and always appreciated RX for Adderall?
It’s loving because since your partner can accomplish more work in a faster period of time, s/he can then spend more quality time with you…or just do more work, whichever.

Uhhh… if a dude thinks his girlfriend is too unattractive for lingerie, why the hell is he dating her? There’s no rule that you have to be skinny to wear lingerie. If it makes the two of you happy, wear whatever the hell you want. If you’re repulsed by the sight of your naked or lingerie-clad girlfriend, then why the hell are you still with her?

Troy, the answer is simple. Winters are cold, and any woman can keep you hot in the sack. No matter what they look like with the lights on, man, once you turn out the lights, if you have a woman next to you, and you are doing it, it is good man, and it gets you through the night, man. Try it, and if you don’t like it, you can leave before the morning light. That is why you always go to her place. If you let her come to your place, you may never get her out.

Last year I had my GF hold a candle while we walked to a rock sourrounded by 2 feet of ocean at high tide. Waded thru the water, onto the rock, spread out a blanket, lit more candles, drank wine (Kistler chardonnay, no Pinot Grig Alma), ate the salmon (still warm enough) and made out. Only had one candle with a glass cover so all the rest kept going out . Got some water spray but it was fine. Put on sweatshirts i brought and it finally got too cold to stay. But it beat a dinner where everything is the same. And we didn’t exchange any stupid gifts.

Bitter Lawyer readers have probably been asking themselves what the heck is wrong with lawyers in Pennsylvania. But for now, never mind the lawyers. Let’s ask instead what’s wrong...

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