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Camp Should-A-Been - Season Four

Guitars by every bunk, Hendrix posters plastered on the walls, and hair care products taking up
every inch of shelf space in the bathrooms... both bathrooms. Rock &
Roll made its debut on American Idol in Season Four with the likes of Bo Bice,
Constantine Maroulis, and Nadia Turner in the fold. Its breakout star was a sweet country girl
from Checotah, OK, who happens to have a guitar in her bunk too. But would Carrie
Underwood have won the AI4 crown had American considered only the quality of her
performances on the show? Much to the relief of the other residents
of Camp Should-A-Been, who've been begging Cabin Four for weeks to keep
the noise down, it's time to find out as our Season Four replay begins....

Season Four kicked off tonight, and the audience certainly came
dressed for the occasion. There
were leather jackets, spiked belts, and purple-streaked hair everywhere you looked.
Carly Smithson and her husband stood outside the gates
giving tattoos to the concert-goers as they entered (Elliott Yamin got "I ♥ Mom",
Melinda Doolittle "I ♥ God", Corey Clark "I ♥ Me".) Two enormous speaker
stacks bookended the stage and the crowd waved lit lighters in the air dreamily as the
Final 12 Guys
emerged from the dry ice fog and rocked out to...

Michael Bolton. And Stevie Wonder and Richard Marx and "Moon River."

Well, in fairness to the Men of Season Four, they probably didn't want to do anything
to alienate Middle America on their first night out. Inoffensive pop ballads were the norm,
though at least Bo Bice did sing a song about Rock And Roll. Still, the crowd wasn't
happy, and the 12 guys were pelted with cigarette lighters and empty hair dye bottles as they
left the stage. Judd Harris, who was one of the contestants eliminated from this episode in 2005,
earned a reprieve with the one true rock performance of the night; he'll continue with projected
ratings starting in the Top 20. As before, Jared Yates earned a spot on the Bus Of Shame.
His seatmate was Travis Tucker, a Top 16 contestant originally, whose mediocre version of
"My Cherie Amour" proved yet again that you simply cannot rock out in French.

Homesick Carrie Underwood had a rough first few weeks here at Camp Should-A-Been, living on
macaroni and cheese three times a day (that and meatloaf are the only two things on the
mess hall's menu) and spending most of her afternoons at the petting zoo. But when it
finally came time for her to take the stage for real, she shined; her
simple cover of Tiffany's "Could've Been" was the top-rated performance of the night.
Just behind her was Nadia Turner's high-powered, non-Celine "The Power Of Love" (like we said, you
can't rock out in French.)

Aloha Mischeaux and Vonzell Solomon were the only other two of the
Final 12 Girls
to come in above average – in fact,
half the field didn't even reach 3-stars. The good news for original eliminees Sarah Mather
and Melinda Lira is that they both survived for another night; the bad news is that their
baseline ratings are so low that a long projected run in the competition
a la Suzy Vulaca
is simply not happening.
Janay Castine, whose dubious Idol claim to fame is being the lowest-rated contestant in the
history of the series among those who performed
more than once, didn't get a second chance here at Camp: the Bus Of
Shame drove directly onto the stage midway through her song and carted her off. Also headed home
tonight: original 11th-place finisher Mikalah Gordon! Since she's only going as far as Las Vegas,
we put her on a regular Greyhound bus next to a blue-haired grandmother from Long Beach who was
headed to Harrah's to play the slots.

The gloves of inoffensiveness came off for the
Final 10 Guys
tonight. Bo Bice's legendary showstopping performance of "Whipping Post" was the
highlight, though Bice was surprised to be issued a citation afterwards by the local police
for unlawful public acts with a microphone stand. Nikko Smith and Anwar Robinson delivered
hot covers of two of Marvin Gaye's signature songs, and Mario Vasquez put a clever Latin twist
on the O'Jays "I Love Music." Not faring as well, however, was Constantine Maroulis, who
just barely survived an unconvincing performance of "Hard To Handle." We told
him not to sing the chorus in French, but did he listen?...

Judd Harris's first projected rating held in the 3-star range and allowed him to advance
another day. Joseph Murena's so-so cover of "Let's Stay Together" got him sent home in AI4,
but this time he managed to squeak through.
Not so fortunate was Scott Savol, whose Camp tenure lasted nowhere near as long
as his unlikely (and occasionally unlistenable) run to fifth place in the original competition.
He and New Orleans resident David Brown got to play cards on a long cross-country journey
on the Bus Of Shame.

Sarah Mather and Melinda Lira weren't happy campers today. Two nights earlier, Simon Cowell
told both young ladies, in no uncertain terms, that they may as well just stay in
bed rather than show up for the
Final 10 Girls
episode. Their projected ratings would be so low that they'd only be embarrassing themselves.
The dejected girls both chose songs expressing the fatalism of their situation, then
spent the day in the craft shack making little stuffed dolls of Simon and distributing them,
along with hatpins, to all of their fellow campers....

Surprise! Neither Mather nor Lira exactly lit the stage on fire, but their projected performance
ratings were still good enough to advance over the dreadful ones turned
in by Aloha Mischeaux and Celina Rae. In fact, this
was one of the lowest-rated semifinal episodes ever. Jessica Sierra's "A Broken Wing" was the
night's high scorer, earning the Floridian a standing ovation from her parole officer and
attorney but just lukewarm applause from everyone else. The other five contestants all turned
in decent but unremarkable 3-star numbers. As for Simon, he didn't offer a whole lot of his
usual trenchant commentary on
the performances tonight because he spent most of the show leaping from his seat and yelping in pain.

Ever since the unlamented demise of the Wild Card format, few episodes on the AI
calendar offer more drama than
Top 16
week. Who would make the all-important Final 12 and be awarded
a song on the annual
American Idol Greatest Showstopping Classic Masterpieces of Genius Performances CD
(oh, those zany 19E marketers), and who'd be sent back to the void of singing jingles and
country fairs forever?

Anwar Robinson's tender cover of "What A Wonderful World" easily took high point honors on the
night and earned the New Jersey music teacher the first chair in the Finals. Quickly joining
him were Bo Bice, Mario Vazquez, Nikko Smith, and Anthony Fedorov, all of whom produced
above-average ratings. (For Fedorov, it was his first journey above 50 and it came
at the right moment.) Constantine Maroulis was certain that his clever, hard-rocking rearrangement
of "Tout Les Petites Choses Qu'Elle Fait Est Magique" would earn him the final guys' spot, but he was
in for a shock: Judd Harris took the sixth seat with a classic Talking Heads rocker that proved,
OK, maybe there is a song or two that you can rock out in French.

A dumbfounded Maroulis was escorted to the Bus Of Shame, his shoulders slumped,
dropping copies of Queen sheet music from his duffel
bag as he trudged along. He and Joseph Murena disappeared through
the gates of the camp and into the darkness. But up on the stage, in Chair #3, Mario Vasquez was
looking a little fidgety. We might not have heard the last of this story....

There were only six chairs for eight contestants, and young Jessica Sierra was determined to
have one of them. Knowing that sometimes a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do, she traded in
her orange jumpsuit for an extremely-low-cut top that sent testoserone levels at the
ampitheater to red alert levels. Randy panted, Simon swooned, and Ryan quietly made a mental
note to ask Sierra where she bought that cute eye shadow. Meanwhile in the audience, paramedics had
to be summoned to treat several teenaged boys who had fainted. It's said that poor David Archuleta
was never the same again.

But, Sierra's plan worked to perfection: "Boys Are Back In Town" was the evening's second-highest
rated performance behind Nadia Turner's twist on Otis Redding. Also advancing from the
Top 16 (Girls) episode
with above-average
numbers were Vonzell Solomon and Carrie Underwood, the latter
having sung "Because You Love Me" while cuddling
a baby bunny rabbit. (Maybe she's not the type to come out on stage half-naked, but even
Underwood knows that sometimes a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do.) Chronically underachieving
Lindsey Cardinale was still good enough to earn chair #5, and the 12th and last spot in the
Finals went to a Las Vegas woman as before, except this time it was Amanda Avila rather than
Mikalah Gordon. Leaving camp tonight, a few
days later than everyone expected, were Sarah Mather and Melinda Lira, both of whom tried their
hand at a classic summer camp tune without much success.

Thus, the Final 12 in the Season Four replay at Camp Should-A-Been are:...

...Wait, what's this?
Mario Vazquez has just emerged from the Head Counselor's office with a serious expression
on his face. He's hastily called a press conference
– all of two guys from the local newspaper showed up, and one was only
there to ask us if we wanted to renew our subscription. And...Vasquez is
dropping out of the competition! We're not exactly sure why.
First he cited personal reasons, then professional issues, and finally grave concerns about the
announcement that marine biologists had just discovered a new subspecies of halibut off the coast of
Norway. Okay, so forthcomingness isn't his strong suit. But, he's hailing the Bus Of Shame and
riding off into the sunset. The girl campers here are all in tears; the guys are
just relieved that they no longer have to
peer nervously around the corners of the stalls when
using the men's room. But, now what? This leaves us with only 11 finalists!

Hearing his cue, Constantine Maroulis, who'd been circling the camp in a helicopter all day,
just parachuted in triumphantly. Hold on there, Soul-Of-Betty-boy: we follow the rules of the
original AI competition around these parts. When Vasquez dropped out in 2005, the male
contestant invited back wasn't the one with the best hair, strongest potential, or
biggest fan base. It was the one with the seventh-highest vote total among the Final 8 Guys.
Since we're using ratings instead of votes at Camp Should-A-Been, that means Joseph Murena
is the one we'll bring back! Murena, who was recording a jingle for a used-car company in his
native Long Island, was surprised when we told him the news, but not nearly as surprised as Maroulis,
who had to be escorted from the Campground by our ever-amiable Disciplinary Counselors,
Viktor, Rocco, and Serge. Those three love their jobs.

So when the dust finally settled, these were your AI4 Replay Final 12:

Amanda Avila

Bo Bice

Lindsey Cardinale

Anthony Fedorov

Judd Harris

Joseph Murena

Anwar Robinson

Jessica Sierra

Nikko Smith

Vonzell Solomon

Nadia Turner

Carrie Underwood

Newcomers in italics. Failing to qualify: Mikalah Gordon, Constantine Maroulis, Scott Savol.
(In all seriousness, we were flabbergasted about Maroulis too, but you know what? Next
time, he should try delivering better than a 30 and a 26 in back-to-back semifinal
episodes.)

Joseph Murena was starting to feel paranoid. At the archery range this morning, an arrow
came out of nowhere and whizzed past his head. That was suspicious. Later, while canoeing
on Lake Trainwreck, his boat suddenly sprung a leak and sank, forcing him to swim a quarter
mile to shore. That was suspicious too. Then at dinner, after finishing the Meatloaf Surprise,
he doubled over in agony and became violently ill. That was perfectly normal. Still, not wanting
to take any more chances, the Accidental Finalist of Camp Should-A-Been's AI4 replay
hid up a pine tree until the curtain went up on the
Final 12
show.

As it happens, Murena's closest call of the day came on stage. He and the other two holdover
contestants decided to go psychedelic for Sixties Night, and his take on the Strawberry Alarm Clock
classic put him squarely in the Bottom Three. But no one could get
below Lindsey Cardinale's vocal catastrophe with "Knock On Wood". (Well, actually Mikalah Gordon
would have if she had made the Final 12; "Son Of A Preacher Man" scored just 9. But Gordon
was back in Las Vegas enjoying a decent dinner and air conditioning.) Meanwhile at the top of the
food chain, Nadia Turner notched one of the highest-rated performances of the season, while Bo Bice
enjoyed his third 5-star effort in four tries. Note the gargantuan dropoff between those two and the third-highest rated performance.

Much later, an internal investigation showed that a mysterious masked figure had been
stalking Murena all day, perhaps feeling that he had something to gain if his rival was forced
to withdraw from the competition before the Finals formally got underway. We can't be 100% sure of
his identity, but we have our suspicions...particularly because the one time the mystery man was
caught on a camp security camera, he gazed deeply into it and batted his eyelids repeatedly.

Carrie Underwood was still homesick and still surviving
at Camp Should-A-Been exclusively on macaroni and cheese,
to the point where she was even starting to eye some of the petting zoo animals hungrily.
On this night, however, she put all of her troubles aside for 90 seconds.
Dressed like Nancy Wilson and singing like Ann, Underwood's "Alone" became the third performance
of the AI4 Replay to reach 90. Even her zoo friends gave her a standing ovation.

Other than that,
Billboard #1 Hits
night was fairly tame. Both Anwar Robinson and Nadia Turner dropped below 50 for the
first time, with Turner's outrageous Fro-hawk drawing hoots and whistles from everyone in the
audience except Sanjaya Malakar. Both still remained safely in the 3-star range, however, so they were
in no danger of elimination. All three
holdovers evidently misunderstood the theme, but at least they all chose decent songs and
delivered passable performances. It's
a rare contestant indeed who gets two trips home on the Bus Of Shame, but Joseph Murena turned
the trick tonight; he was back singing jingles in Long Island by the next morning.

Curiously, as the Bus was pulling away, we heard someone watching from high up in the trees scream,
"I would've had a 42! I'd still be in the competition if you had taken me back instead!!"
Most campers were unfazed, however. Just like in Deliverance, you never know what
kind of wackos you'll meet here in the deep woods.

During his stay at Camp Should-A-Been, Anthony Fedorov has made a cottage industry out of
narrowly surviving elimination. For the third time in as many Finals episodes, the young
Pennsylvanian found himself in the Bottom 3. His Elton John cover on
1990s Night
actually fell below the rapidly-decaying approval ratings of the two holdover contestants...but
not below the regrettably overblown performance that was Anwar Robinson's "I Believe I Can Fly."
Thus, the likeable, dreadlocked teacher was sent back to New Jersey on the Bus Of Shame,
a journey that took an extraordinarily long time because they got stuck in rush hour traffic on
the Turnpike.

Vonzell Solomon had her best night of the competition, checking in with an 85 for "I
Have Nothing". Bo Bice took his first dip below 70, while Jessica Sierra, who was
sent home on this night during AI4, made it safely through to the Final 9 despite a very
mediocre performance. Both holdovers chose a popular tune by the Barenaked Ladies, with Amanda
Avila expressing what she planned to do if she won the recording contract awarded for first place.
Buying a K-Car and a new green dress were not among them.

As the audience was walking back to their cabins, they saw a masked vandal dashing
into the woods, his long hair flapping wildly behind him. The scoundrel had spray-painted these
words on the head cabin: "I had a 61 tonight! I'd still be alive if you'd kept me!"
Enough was enough – we told Viktor, Rocco, and Serge to find him and bring him back to
Camp, dead or alive. Preferably alive, because that way we'd have to fill out less paperwork.

In previous replays here at Camp Should-A-Been,
the long projected runs of contestants like Suzy
Vulaca and Vanessa Olivarez suggests that America dismissed a few talented singers much sooner
than their performances warranted. Here in AI4, however, the long stays of Judd Harris and
Amanda Avila can be explained by the fact that at least one "real" contestant laid an
egg in virtually every episode. This time around, Anthony Fedorov's
long streak of skin-of-his-teeth survival came to an end. "Climb Ev'ry Mountain" provided
viewers with the sound of virtually everything but music.

All three holdover contestants were assigned a song from the rock opera Tommy. Yes,
we're well aware that
"Sparks" is an instrumental, but Harris's rating had fallen to the point where
no one really wanted to hear him sing anyway. Jessica Sierra's first projected rating was a very
respectable 50, and she has ample incentive to keep it high: the Tampa Board of Corrections
informed her via registered letter this morning that the moment she's eliminated from the
competition here at Camp, it's straight back to jail with her.
Otherwise,
Classic Musicals Night
was mostly uneventful, with Nadia Turner leading the way, Bo Bice falling under 50 for the
first time, and Nikko Smith becoming the latest finalist to advance beyond his original dismissal
date (which is particularly good news because the camp softball team would stink without him.)
In other news, the mysterious hoodlum who's been terrorizing the camp since the Finals began is
still at large; his latest missive read, "I'd have had a 67 tonight, woo-hoo!" Curse you,
you fiend!

One has to respect a principled, uncompromising artist like Nadia Turner. Three years earlier,
the frizzy-haired Floridian made arguably the most disastrous song choice in the history of
American Idol when, on
Year You Were Born Night,
she opted for an obscure Crystal Gayle ballad over the enormously
popular "Go Your Own Way". Turner paid the ultimate AI price for her artistic integrity
when America sent her home on the results show. Came tonight's replay at
Camp Should-A-Been, and the resolute Turner...well, she caved. Big time. She begged
us to let her sing the Fleetwood Mac song instead, to the point where she even snuck into Rickey
Minor's cabin and replaced all the
sheet music for her performance. But we're an uncompromising
lot ourselves: the rules clearly state that all contestants who are not yet into their projected
ratings must duplicate their original
performances, come hell or high water...which reminds us, the Camp's septic tank overflowed again.

A despondent Turner wound up in the Bottom Three once more, but this time she caught a break.
Judd Harris's and Amanda Avila's projected ratings had decayed so far that even "When I Dream"
couldn't get below them. Harris was consoled on his Bus ride home by the knowledge that he'd
not made it past Opening Night back in '05, but he finished eighth on merit here at Camp. We
admit, however, that this was something of an unsatisfying evening all around, because
there was no showstopping and unexpectedly brilliant "Bohemian Rhapsody"
to close the show. Our masked marauder reminded us of this fact
by skywriting "I would have had a NINETY FREAKING TWO, for Pete's sake! Why did you get rid of me?"
Nothing really matters, anyone can see, nothing really matters to he. But we'll get him yet.

We've long felt that Bo Bice got away with a bit of theme-skirting on the original
70s Dance Music
episode. Our crack investigators – that'd be Viktor, Rocco, and Serge, taking a brief
break from pursuing our masked antagonist – found no evidence of any living person who actually
danced to "Vehicle" in the 1970s. Appropriate or not, Bice's outstanding vocals garnered him
his second 90+ rating of the replay and easily outpaced the rest of the field tonight.

Nadia Turner, still trembling from her narrow escape the previous evening, went with a peculiar but
in some ways understandable choice. When the producers objected that "Go Your Own Way",
strictly speaking, wasn't a 70s dance song, she threw a disco ball at them in fury
and chased them out of her dressing room. No way was she singing anything else.
Our other three holdover contestants decided if nobody else was going to follow the theme,
neither were they. Hence, the audience was treated to performances that weren't from the 70s, or
weren't dance music, or in the case of the finally-eliminated Amanda Avila, wasn't even a song
at all. But the big surprise was the appearance of none other than Carrie Underwood in the
Bottom Three for the very first time, either on the real Idol stage or here at camp!
Ryan Seacrest quickly sent her back to safety,
possibly because the outraged petting zoo animals were advancing on him menacingly
with their teeth bared.

Success! After several days of hot pursuit across hill and forest,
our Disciplinary Staff finally apprehended the mysterious masked
maniac who'd been wreaking havoc on Camp Should-A-Been in retaliation for being
dismissed unjustly and too soon. We had Viktor, Rocco, and Serge tie him to a chair on the
side of the stage, where we'd unmask him at the conclusion of the
2000s Night
replay.

Bo Bice's second straight 5-star approval rating led the way, while Vonzell Solomon contributed
her fifth straight Top 2 performance of the competition. (Do you suppose that, just
maybe, Solomon was one of the more underappreciated contestants ever on Idol?)
Nadia Turner clung to what worked, while Nikko Smith and
Jessica Sierra unwisely chose a pair of 2000's songs that most campers are absolutely sick
to death of hearing on the radio (not to mention that
Jill Sobule's "Kissed" is a billion times better - Ed.)
After the show, Ryan Seacrest, eying the
petting zoo animals warily, decided to announce only a Bottom 2.
Sierra fiddled nervously with her ankle monitor, knowing what
was in store if hers was the night's lowest-rated performance...and when Ryan called her name, her
eyes widened in fear. She did "100 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall" for her sing-out, attempting to
delay the inevitable for as long as possible,
but six of Tampa's Finest were standing alongside her on stage, singing backup like The Pips
and waiting to take her away in the Paddywagon Of Shame.

OK, time for the unmasking. The crowd rose to its feet as Ryan walked up to the bound man
and pulled off his hood, revealing...AHA! Just as we suspected. Brian Dunkelman!
Still holding a grudge against AI after all these years. We dragged the
former Season One co-host in front of the Camp's
recently hired tribunal judge, Constantine Maroulis, where he...what's that?
Oh, you mean you thought all along it was actually
Maroulis who was...? Nah. Besides, he'd have been sent home tonight anyway with
a 30 rating had he advanced to the Finals. At any rate, Judge Constantine sentenced Dunkelman
to a life term hosting local-access cable TV shows in anonymity for starvation wages.
Sometimes this camp is so close to real life, it hurts.

Nikko Smith had a terrific afternoon. Batting cleanup in Camp Should-A-Been's big
softball game against Camp Hoofin'-It (comprised of former
Dancing With The Stars contestants), our star shortstop went 4-for-5 with two home runs,
six RBIs, and he scored the winning run on a bone-jarring collision at home plate that left
opposing catcher Marie Osmond unconscious...again. But the Hall-Of-Famer's son
didn't fare as well in the
Final 5
replay that evening. Randy observed that Smith's coming on stage with a baseball bat for
"Best Shot" was corny and hackneyed, while Simon added that he felt Smith had "fumbled a line drive"
with his two performances. The latter demonstrated yet again why Brits should be barred
by Federal statute from making American sports analogies.

Meanwhile, Bo Bice was in the middle of another 5-star hitting streak.
He easily won the night, with "Stand By Me" becoming his third showstopper of the AI4 Replay.
Carrie Underwood, cheered by the appearance of Spaghetti-Os on the kitchen menu,
bounced back from several very shaky nights with a pair of 4-star numbers. After the show,
Smith left camp on the Bullpen Cart Of Shame to a standing ovation. But don't worry, sports
fans – we didn't let him get far. Eliminated or not, we've got a big game coming up
tomorrow against Camp Amazin' Racers....

Needless to say, by this point
every Camp Should-A-Been resident had had it up to here with
Nadia Turner singing "Go Your Own Way" night after night. During the
Final 4
replay, the seating area was empty for her two performances, as most campers chose to spend the
time either in the restrooms or at the concession stand.
("Hmm...meatloaf or macaroni-and-cheese...?") Although neither Turner's country arrangement nor her
Philly soul arrangement went over well, and although she left on the Bus Of Shame
in fourth place, one fact should be noted clearly: even after six hits on our projected decay
curve, Turner's last rating for "Go Your Own Way" was still three points higher than
she received for "When I Dream" in the Final 8.

Elsewhere,
Bo Bice had another strong night, but Vonzell Solomon and Carrie Underwood suffered their
lowest approval ratings of the season. Each advanced only because her other number was comfortably
above the pair turned in by Turner. Underwood seemed particularly angry when Ryan
announced that her cover of
"If You Don't Know Me By Now" was the least-liked of the night.
Her eyes briefly glowed red, the wind picked
up, the petting zoo animals bayed in the distance, and the Coke cups on the judges'
table began to rattle.
Perhaps her parents knew what they were doing when they named her "Carrie".

Although the first nine eliminations in the AI4 Replay went nothing at all like they did in
real life, the voters did seem to get the Final Three right. Tune in tomorrow to see who'll
advance to the Finale.

It remains arguably the most dramatic moment in the history of American Idol. Bo Bice
doused the house lights, told the band that their services would not be required, and delivered a
spine-tingling a capella rendition of Badlands' "In A Dream", to
the tune of an unprecedented 96 rating.
Many campers here at Camp
Should-A-Been anticipated that Bice's replay performance wouldn't pack the same punch, inasmuch
as the element of surprise would be missing. They were wrong. In fact, all of the
Final 3
performances were done a capella and without lights. That's because
we gave the band the night off to cut
costs, and we forgot to pay the electric bill again.

Bice's "Dream" was as brilliant as ever, and the Alabama rocker cruised into the Finale
with a mean rating of nearly 76. Joining him once more was
Carrie Underwood who averaged 56, led by a 75 for "Crying". And that
meant the end of the road for Florida's favorite mail carrier, Vonzell Solomon. Baby V's
three performances averaged under 50, putting
her in third place once more. It was a tearful goodbye for the likeable Solomon, who
left camp in the Postal Van Of Shame. A good sport to the end,
she did promise to deliver our electric bill
payment on her way home. The check's just going to bounce, of course, but we
still hate being late with it.

So for the second time in four seasons, the Camp Should-A-Been Finale is a repeat of
the original matchup. Will Carrie Underwood repeat as champion, or will Bo Bice steal her
crown? We'll find out tomorrow as our Season Four replay concludes....

As we sweep the pine needles from the stage after the
AI4 Finale,
we can only reflect in awe on the latest dramatic, unexpected conclusion
to a Camp Should-A-Been Replay. Bo Bice and Carrie Underwood started the show with
their "favorite performance" selection, in which Bice jumped out to a 17 point lead. Next
came a pair of lesser-known songs from other Idol franchises, and Underwood's
"Angels Brought Me Here" outpointed Bice's "Long Long Road" 48 to 35.
That meant our finalists
were separated by just four points entering the final round, featuring the annual musical emetic
known as the American Idol Original Winner's Song™. And it was a doozy this year:
the universally-panned "Inside Your Heaven". Whoever could
make the tastiest lemonade out of that lemon would be the winner!

To build the suspense, we had Bice and Underwood come onstage together and sing the song
simultaneously. At first, it looked like Underwood had the upper hand: Bice begain twitching
halfway through the first verse and was in full convulsions by the chorus. But lines like
"Naturally my soul surrenders / The sun and the moonlight / All my dreams are in your eyes"
soon took their toll on the Oklahoman as well. She dropped to her knees and began
retching uncontrollably in the middle of the bridge. Bice, meanwhile, had a brainstorm: he
delivered the final chorus in American Sign Language, which allowed him to remain
mostly conscious almost to the final note. Both were still lying prone on the stage when
the judges announced that Bo Bice, by a margin of 24 points, was the AI4 Replay Champion
of Camp Should-A-Been. The audience applauded wildly,
and Bice thanked everyone with a
weak thumbs-up before passing out for good.

After Bice and Underwood departed on the Ambulance Of Shame Victory, the camp counselors
reflected once more on the odd twist of fate
that left Constantine Maroulis out of the Final 12. We're sure many of our camp guests
are wondering how the competition would have played out had Maroulis made it through instead of
Joseph Murena. In fact, the outcome of our replay would have been quite different: Carrie
Underwood, for example, wouldn't have survived "Macarthur Park", and Vonzell Solomon would
have been computing her projected ratings for the Finale and thinking "maybe...just maybe...."
Which brings us to our latest great idea: suppose we invited all the contestants to
Camp Would-A-Should-A-Could-A-Been where we ......aw, never mind.