TEN SHIT SUPERHERO FILMS YOU DIDN’T KNOW HAD BEEN MADE

Superheroes have been dominating films for over a decade now, ever since Sam Raimi’s Spider Man spider-spunked his way onto cinema screens in 2002 (remember when Spider Man was still good?). In 2015, it’s all set to come full circle with Zack Snyder’s Superman V Batman which will apparently be based on Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns and sounds like the best thing that will ever happen in cinema. Seriously, there’ll be no need for any new films to be made after that comes out. Never ever. However, if you do find yourself in need of a superhero fix, why not work your way through this handy list of under the radar superhero films we’ve knocked together? We fucking spoil you. Honestly.

1. Mr India (1987)

An Indian cult classic, this is pretty much as big time as it gets over there and frankly, we’ve got no fucking idea why this didn’t hit the big time over here. Just look at this trailer. It’s fucking mental. As with most Bollywood films, there’s singing, dancing, loads of happy children and a bloke with half his face off. It might not be classed as a ‘superhero’ film by today’s standards, but it does star Indiana Jones’ Amrish Puri on main villain duties and that’s good enough for us.

2. The Rocketeer (1991)

This is one of those old-timey superhero movies, set in 1938 and based around a new-fangled contraption called a ‘rocket engine’. In this film, this ‘rocket engine’ is being used as a ‘jetpack’ which effectively enable the wearer to ‘fly’. As you can see, it’s a fucking forward thinking film and is massively exciting for a modern audience. On the plus side, it does star Timothy Dalton (the second toughest James Bond) and Jennifer Connelly, who was well fit in (shitfest) Inventing The Abbots.

3. The Shadow (1994)

Things were messed up in the 90s eh? Everyone wore leopard print, Take That were massive and all superhero films began with ‘The’. Thank Jesus all of that’s gone away forever. The Shadow is another piece of nonsense in which Alec Baldwin claims he’s not looking for redemption, then goes and accidently bloody redeems himself. The floppy-haired wally.

4. The Phantom (1996)

A poor man’s Indiana Jones, featuring Billy Zane in purple lycra and with the tagline ‘Slam Evil!’ this was always going be a big steaming pile of doo-da. Interesting fact alert: both Billy Zane and Jason Statham have done a romance up Kelly Brook. If they were to have a fight, Kelly Brook would win.

5. Steel (1997)

In the Superman comics, Steel is one of four heroes who steps up to protect the world after Superman is punched to death by Doomsday. Steel, whose real name is confusingly John Henry Irons is a metal worker and ex-weapons designer who crafts himself a suit of armour and wields a massive hammer, much like a combination of two well-known Marvel heroes. Steel the 1997 film has absolutely fuck all to do with this and is just about Shaquille O’Neal smashing people. Do yourself a favour and read the comics instead.

6. Mystery Men (1999)

If it ain’t Ben Stiller in Zoolander we ain’t interested and this ain’t Ben Stiller in Zoolander. Instead this is Ben Stiller being Mr Furious, possibly the most boring superhero ever, who pals around with Eddie Izzard, for some reason.

7. Mercury Man (2006)

A Thai superhero/martial arts film which you should really check out as it’s flippin’ bananas in the best way possible. Basically, a fireman gets stabbed by an ancient Tibetan amulet, which obviously turns his body into a massive heat source which he can manipulate to give him super duper strength and sick-ass Muay Thai skillz. The plot involves him facing off against a terrorist with the power to shoot ice! Shit!. Also, as this is a Thai film, Mercury Man’s sister is a transsexual, which is a nice nod to equality, and all that eh?

8. Faust: Love of the Damned (2000)

A Spanish adaptation of Tim Vigil’s comic of the same name, Faust… has to do with an artist selling his soul to his girlfriend. Sorry, that should be selling his soul to AVENGE the death of his girlfriend. As any Simpsons fan knows, selling your soul is never a good idea. Predictably, things go tits up and our man has to stop the gates of hell from opening, whilst dealing with turning into a massive demon, or something. Absolutely mental, absolutely ace.

9. Ra. One (2011)

Ne. One seen this? Hahaha. Another Indian entry, this one’s a bit more Hollywood, albeit the type of Hollywood film available at all good ASDA checkouts. It’s basically about a game designer whose characters escape into real life LIKE THE FUCKING RING. Then other stuff happens. Don’t ask us. We’re drunk.

10. Ultraman (2004)

This Japanese effort is about a pilot who is just too goddamn committed to his job, god dammit. He decides to quit to spend more time with his dickhead family, then flies into a mysterious red light which obviously gives him powers. Then Godzilla turns up and there’s a big punch up. It’s basically Power Rangers on steroids.

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