Half Asleep

I don’t ever recall feeling ignorant in life, but I will never forget the way I felt when I first came to Anguilla.
I was working 12 hours a day, barely saw sunlight, but as I sat on the beach here, looking into the most beautiful infinity pool I’d ever seen…. I heard a whisper from a very unfamiliar voice.

I was 32 and barely knew who I was.
Somehow, I had been living my life half asleep.
Between the decisions I had made, a transatlantic move at a young age, moves around many cities, an education, marriage, kids, divorce, more kids and a career… I had managed to completely neglect myself and hence was not able to hear, think about, nor make choices based on what spoke to me deep inside.

But how could this happen? How could a relatively intelligent person, miss something so fundamental?
For me, part of it had to do with living in the country of unlimited opportunities, that pace of life, work, that amount of “stuff” and activities readily available 24/7 to help you distract, and actually cover up that voice.
But then, when I first heard that little voice, I didn’t like what it had to say.
It said something was wrong and I wasn’t fundamentally happy.
And who wants to hear THAT!
Much easier to cover it up with superficial things, friends and conversations.

Plus, more importantly, if you actually KNOW that there is something not in line with your core, then you actually have to DO something to change it and THAT would be scary.
People will get hurt, lives will be upset.
Easier to just stick your head back into the sand and go back to sleep.

But, if you’re lucky, once you actually feel something that is just.plain.right, regardless of what that is, it makes it almost impossible to remain content with the status quo.

I’m not sure why I seem to be having this having this conversation with others on repeat right now. Perhaps it has to do with our age range, our kids getting older and needing us less and hence being faced with more alone time. Or perhaps, you don’t really realize you’ve been living half asleep, until you meet someone or something that wakes you up.

Nothing that is not fundamentally grounded and balanced is sustainable.
Nothing.