Month: April 2018

After seeing my therapist yesterday she said that I’m currently going through postpartum depression only with this new puppy that I had got, even though I didn’t give birth to her I’m going through the emotions. And the loss of Diva has really effected me deeply. She asked how I felt and I said numb. She had said “That’s just the beginning stages of grief”. My moods are up and down. Some days I cry and other days I don’t. Some days I’m in better moods and some days I’m not.

I wish I was in love with this new puppy but I’m just not there. I feel guilty for feeling this way and I feel bad for feeling guilty it’s a fucked up way. Some days I feel like I’m going crazy with all of it. My parents are going to look after Coco for me. She’s gotten attached to them as well their dogs.

Even though everyone said I should get her and talked my self into it. It was just to soon. I wasn’t and still am not ready. And I don’t know when I will be to be honest. Some people can just snap back into it. But I’m just not that type.

Diva was my soul mate and was everything to me. She was there when no one else was. And I’m still devastated that’s she’s gone.

I wish I was in love with Coco but I’m just not! I like her a lot but in my head it’s like but she’s not my dog. It’s a very surreal feeling. And ever where I look at my parents house or mine I think but Diva was just here. And poof she’s gone. One minute and the next no more.

Since Divas passing I haven’t been the same. You try and put on a happy face. You say your okay when your not and you try to go back to a routine. Then you get a new puppy and bam. Your still not okay. I don’t feel that connected to this new dog. I feel guilty for feeling this way. But it’s how I feel.

Also spending the time I have at my parents house I’ve missed. When your so used to living with people and then you live just by yourself it’s a huge difference.

It’s also extremely lonely living by yourself. If I don’t reach out to people first, typically I will never hear from anyone. And honestly it fucking sucks.

Except my best friend and a few friends. Everyone else it’s me having to reach out to them first. I’ve also kinda lost interest in burlesque.

I miss Diva immensely like a part of my heart died with her. I just think life sucks right now. People say be strong it will get better. But like really will it really get better?. My apartment building is bullshit!. The apartment itself is great the layout is awesome where it’s at isn’t. All the trauma I’ve experienced hasn’t gone away and since Diva passed everything just sucks right now!.

That’s how I honestly feel. Also the dating pool is crap. My employment services I was using they suck. Not that I’m in any mental shape to be working right now anyways but. I feel lost that’s how I feel. I feel lost, I’m eternally broken and I throw on a smile and say I’m okay so I don’t burden people with my crap.

I know tomorrow is a new day and positive thinking is blah blah blah but I’m not doing well!.