I tried on a pair of jeans that cost $187. They were free to try on. The adorable redhead who rocked those jeans chattered on to me about their qualities and benefits the whole time I struggled to pour my fifty-one year old body into them. I ask you: “Should one have to pour, pull, push, jump, suck, hold breath in, yank, and sweat to get into a pair of the correct size jeans that cost one hundred and eighty seven dollars?” The fabric felt weighted and silky, drapey and stretchy. Supposedly, they would not leave baggy spots where you bend (if you could bend), after hours of wear. That’s the benefit of such a perfect denim made sustainably, produced scientifically, ensuring rich quality. When I looked in the mirror, I thought the jeans looked painted on. Can a woman over fifty wear painted on style jeans without embarrassing her daughters or herself? If the painted style pour-yourself-in jeans had been marked down from $187.00 to $18.70 would it be a good idea to wear those in public? I asked myself this in the dressing room. My answer and the knowledgable twenty-something answer were completely opposite. She said the jeans looked fantastic on me. Ha…of course she would say that. Shes PAID to say that. I did not agree.

Two weeks later I took my pants off. Not the expensive jeans – I did actually get those off in the store and left them there, I mean I took off my long-legged pants that do fit. The temperature outside was 70’s warm after long months of 20’s cold. Suddenly everyone had on completely different clothing. Including me. I exchanged the pants for capris – or ‘caprants’ as re-named by my friend Heidi, whose daughter thinks capris are silly. Well Miss Mackenna, they are NOT silly, they are necessary for the greater good of humanity when one has leg skin that needs constant ironing. It it much more appropriate to wear ‘caprants’ than short skirts at this stage of life in order to maintain personal modesty and public decorum. You’re welcome.

Two days later, I put pants back on.

My new state of Michigan has a lot of surprises up its sleeve. I’m not certain I will become fond of the morning surprise of sunshine. I would prefer that to be reliable, a regular occurence not a rarity. This is the first spring I’ve been a resident and I am gathering you go outside and do outside things when the sun is outside for tomorrow it may not be. Today I tried three times to go outside when I saw the sun. We started a neighborhood walk to peruse the garage sales, but it ended at block two with sudden rain and dare I say hail; possibly MI spring snow nuggets? I’ll ask around to confirm. By the third time I went out in a car, the garage sale hosts had given up and gone inside. I did score a crooked floor lamp for $15. Looks great in the spare room standing mostly straight in the corner. Beside garage sale shopping, I wanted to get in the dirt. My goal all week was to go outside and reduce the amount of mint that is growing and tame the fern in my gardens. One week I had no fern. Next week, fern farm. I have no previous experience with mint or fern. What I can confidently say after one partial spring, is they are both fast and hearty growers. Clearly, they don’t need the sun like us humans do. I’m not sure I will meet the plant reduction goal today. Unless…I go out in the clouds with long pants, coat and mittens.

Ants. Michigan, I need to ask you, do ants thrive here too? I keep a relatively clean house. Not “dutch clean” like my mom, but pretty clean. One time in Florida we had a rat. In My Kitchen Cupboards. I discovered the rat before I discovered its feces in every single solitary drawer in my large kitchen. I came undone, unravelled, repulsed, devastated that such filth touched the things I cook with. And I kept a clean kitchen. We also lived on the water and the rats apparently lived in the roof of the building with occasional drop downs into human dwellings. I threw our cat in the cupboard where the rat was and shut the door. Crickets. Fifteen minutes later (that’s long enough to take care of a rat right?), she sauntered out as if she was done using the bathroom. She did not choose to pursue the rat. Worthless cat… The rat clean up project required the man of the townhouse; and later, flowers in all the drawers for therapeutic reasons. No more rat ever. But now I have MI ants. I’ve tried several removal tactics including letting them go outside. When I opened my sugar bowl to scoop the raw sugar into my first cup of morning coffee and there is an ant flailing around I put my foot down, picked up the phone and called my mom. She poo-pooed all previous ant removal systems and said get Tero. 24 hours after Tero tactic, no ants. I hope ants are like the rat and not one of Michigan’s ongoing surprises.

Wooden shoe dancers, tulip lined streets in Holland, Fricano’s pizza, the Cone Shops soft lemon twist cones; the pure sound of Calvin Alumni Choir, Stella’s burgers and chronic fries, Grand Rapids Opera, Marie Catribs, Fulton Heights neighborhood, the people of Art Of The Table, solid-friendly, healthy-growing Encounter Church, Women and Wine, Grand Rapids Main Library, the acoustics of Cathedral of St. Andrews, generous beauty of all that is colorful and blooming are some of the Michigan surprises working to convince me to stay, belong, engage. The increasing list of good surprises far surpasses the unpleasant. The sense of settling down is happening. I may weigh more than I want, battle fatigue more than I like, and am more conversant in grief than I’d prefer. Those things accompanied me here. But this new state is kindly meeting me with a sweet place to heal and renew. Ants, clouds and tight pants, you might live here, but despite you I believe some really great new is happening.

Calvin is nine in dog years, translated to human time – he is about 52ish. Maybe because he lived on a leash in hot Florida for the last three years, maybe because he is older and not as strong anymore, he wiped out in the MI winter snow. Result: torn miniscus or ACL. Either way, he stopped using that leg for a while. Thanks to a wise and conservative vet, Calvin is being given time, lots of time, as much time as he needs to heal. There was an initial prescription for some medicine to reduce the swelling and give initial pain relief. He also got daily chews to support joint health and encourage joint strength. I advocated for the continuance of walking this 80 pound lab for his mental health. The vet agreed but said “no more freedom.” He is leash restricted. No zooming around until the healing is complete.

For nine dog years I’ve walked with Calvin. He is pretty good though not stellar at staying right beside me. He would prefer to be in front with a bit of strain encouraging me to walk faster. Not now. His brisk jog lasts only a half mile if that. The rest of his walk is s..l..o..w. If you would meet Calvin for the first or fifty first time today, you would not see his internal injury on his outer body. So you would question his limp or hesitation to go up the stairs or clearly painful struggle to lay down. Its been over six weeks since the wipe out. And actually, he wiped out once which led to a limp, but the second wipeout a week later took the injury to a more serious level. When we walk, he does not want to be pulled. Nor does it help at all to push him to a faster pace. He is still on the DL. Pet owners – do you get it?

I get it in human years, in human pain, in human experience of having part of me injured. But its not on the outside where everyone can see. In fact, I am trying to keep the outside intact so I can keep interacting with life that I love – the relationship with my husband/best friend; relationships with family, long time friends, new friends in the making; work; play; volunteering; errands; keeping my house and clothes clean; exercising; walking Calvin. It has been a compact six months of hard – loss, old wounds re-opened, previous emotions of significant loss re-opened, moving, change, more moving, more loss, and all kinds of unfamiliar, new, learning. It is intense and this most recent loss has wiped me out. NO PITY PLEASE. The reason I am sharing this is NOTfor the sake of personal condolence. It is to give a voice to people you know, that may not be able to say, “I’m wiped out. There is hurting places on the inside you can’t see. I need time to heal, and it’s not something that can be rushed.”

You who’ve been there, or are there – do you get it?

People who are reading this, look around you at the those you know and interact with. There might be one or more who is like Calvin, like me right now. Please, no pushing. Don’t pull us. It won’t help the healing for you to try to speed us up or tell us to “keep our chin up”, or say to someone else, “It’s been long enough. They need to move on now.” Everyone is unique and what is going on inside might be more complex than you understand, than even they understand. So how they heal and the time it takes will be unique. Think about the internally injured person right now. Take a deep breath. Another one. Let go of your need to have them get over it and get better already. If you can’t, you would love them best by giving them space from you and your need. If you can, replace the pushing with hugging. Drop the rope you are trying to pull them with and extend an invitation to have a beer, or a wine and cheese, or ice-cream or go to a funny play. Someone unexpectedly extended the invitation to really listen yesterday. Those kindnesses are loving and helpful. But be ready to hand out the rain-check graciously if they can’t say yes this time. Keep on living your life and let them live into theirs even if it makes you uncomfortable. Even if it takes a while for them to be like their old self.

I read these words today; words of a person who was overwhelmed by troubles: “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” This was a statement made to God by a man named David. (Ps 56). It struck me that I know God cancels my sin, but then goes and collects my tears. I wonder what he does with them. Maybe he taps people on the shoulder, or knocks them on the head and sends them out to love the hurting. Sometimes He does something Greater and floods the hurting with Peace and Comfort that is more profound than people can offer. I know this personally too.

And one last thing – if you are the one with the hurt who is pushing and pulling on your old self to pull itself up by its proverbial boot straps, I grant you permission to let the old self off the hook for what it cannot possibly accomplish. There is work for grief to do. Let it do its job and have its way. For if it completes the unique task it has, the old self will return whole and changed and equipped with compassion it did not previously have. It is worth the wait.

I’m eager to walk briskly with Calvin again. Not just because his leg will be better, but because my heart will be too. For now, slow is just fine.

My dad died. Andy Ploegstra was born Groundhogs day 1938. He told that to his oncology nurses each time he came for a chemotherapy treatment. He wanted them to know when Groundhogs day was; know it came on the same day every year. He wanted to add humor, a conversation in the midst of being treated for pancreatic/liver cancer, the kind and the stage that would predictably take his life in a few weeks to months. It didn’t. He had many many months instead. Thank you Chemo – for time, for more conversations, for the final gifts my dad had time to give. He died February 17th, 2016.

Some will understand the arrangements, travel, details, crowds of people who come together for the intense mourning and honoring. If you know are in the know about that, you are also aware of the mass of people who show up to help that all happen. Some of those people you don’t even know. If you are remembering your own recent or not so recent story, I know you are also acquainted with grief.

I am sorry for your loss. Be thankful for your tears, even if they are in your eyes, on your face now because of your dad, your mom, your sweet child, your grandmother, aunt, grandfather, worlds greatest uncle, the friend who blessed your life, the co-worker, neighbor, husband or wife you can’t still hardly breathe without some days.

Right before I left for those necessary days of rituals and closure an elder man shared a sacred story. On the retelling of this story one evening a younger man – my 18-year-old nephew – spoke a sacred statement in response to the story. It’s profoundly true. The two stories were gifts to me so I shared them at my dad’s memorial service. I will share them here for all of you whose somebody has died too.

The elder: “May I have two minutes of your time before you leave?”

Me: “Yes of course.”

The elder with his firm hand on my shoulder: “I am so sorry for the loss of your father. Based on the stories you told, he sounds like a great guy and you two had a special relationship. I really am sorry for you. But…I am jealous of your grief. My dad was a drunk, not a mean or sloppy drunk….but a drunk and for the last ten years of his life he got drunker. When I put him in the grave, there were no tears, there was no grief. So, I am sorry for your loss, but jealous of your tears.”

Days later in the retelling to some family, the response was mostly ‘wow’ or wordless. Until the younger man said this: “Well that only makes sense. Grief is a byproduct of love.”

During the 10 hour drive between MI and Iowa, the adult passengers shared stories of people with somewhat opposite personalities, strengths, interests, and characteristics finding one another, pursuing one another and resulting in marriage. No one intentionally sought out an opposite, but attraction to the opposite was the common thread in every story. Also common was that the differences have worked together not against the relationship. In fact the opposite qualities become complimentary over time. My own experience would say that is because I’ve pushed back less, and appreciated the differences more; I rely on what my hubby is wired to contribute and accept his ‘opposite’ as necessary to bringing out the best in me – and our ‘opposites’ functioning together bring out the best in us.

Turns out, this opposite attractiveness shows up in circumstances as well as in people. I have a fresh experience that I need to write down somewhere. Its too much for me to hide, to keep to myself. And because it’s raw, real, recent, there is no filter. My father has pancreatic and liver cancer. He responded well to chemo for months, but in the last few weeks has made the shift to facing end-of-life rather than more treatment. He is still living with love, in faith, not in fear. My brother Jim and I (we both live out of state) got to be with my dad and my mom this past week. And really – we did a lot more being than doing. That doesn’t feel like much, but its good. My brother Jeff and wife Sara who live there are so present, kind, compassionate. Their little kiddos are refreshing diffusers of the intensity. So thankful for this time to be together. However, during this same week, some many-year, long-story unfortunate circumstantial crap stirred itself up. Just trying to write that sentence sucks air out of my lungs, makes my hands shake. Does anyone else relate to hard things piling up – coming at you in multiples? Sheesh. It nearly wrecked me. Nearly. Thank you friends for phone calls/texts; you people who I know well – who know me well, and who know yourselves the wallop of hard things. In one conversation the words of Psalm 23 about the darkest valley (or valley of the shadow of death) came up and the truth that its real but we can “walk” through it because were not alone in it. I would admit sometimes the walking looks more like crawling with bloodshot eyes, snot running out of your nose, gasping for air. Or looks like fist pounding on what seems like steel doors, crying for mercy. We’re not alone. The opposite of the darkest valley makes me vividly aware of my need for the Presence of Jesus.

The valley of the shadow of death isn’t imaginary. It isn’t figurative. The shadowy valley of darkness isn’t inviting or attractive, never on someone’s bucket list. No one will escape it. Though most will want to avoid walking through it themselves or with someone they love. Normal. I find its hard to breathe and my chest feels tight and I can’t swallow easily when I’m walking through that valley myself or alongside someone. A sense of helplessness bounces off the valley walls: ‘I can’t make this go away; I HATE this; I can’t DO anything to change the outcome; I can’t fix anything; I have no control; I don’t want this to be happening.’ It is threatening and oppressive – alone. Ps 23: 4 “Even though I walk through the darkest valley I will fear no evil for You (Jesus) are with me; your rod and your staff will comfort me.” I will walk through dark valleys but I can without fear…and with provision, protection, comfort, peace – the Light. You can too; we are NOT alone.

Joy meet grief. Sorrow meet beauty. Celebration meet suffering. Dark valley meet Light. These opposites actually seem to attract. My friend Rachel told me about an unreal circumstance her friend is living right now, unborn baby, cancer. no No NO. Same story: best doctors available, treatment, plans for summer, and the beauty of a Spirit filled prayer. Please – pray for Rachels friend, her name is Rachel.

And Please don’t push back on the light in your own life, maybe a birthday celebration, maybe a baby on the way, an engagement, vacation, a childs school program, the job you like, a snow day, even if you also have unreal circumstances in your life – in your friend, family, neighbors life.

Yesterday Dirk the pastor told the story of Elijah who was in the darkest valley; ( I Kings 19 ), Elijah who just had his life threatened by a nasty angry kings wife; a prophet who had ENOUGH; a man of great faith who was just done; who was afraid; who ran away – away from people and places and civilization. He got to the wilderness alone, away from the dark place, but not really away from the fear or feelings of being overwhelmed. He lands under a bush and actually prays this prayer: “Enough of this God, take my life, I’m ready to join my ancestors in the grave.” Then he falls asleep. I hate to admit, but I get you Elijah. I relate to the fear for my life, to the having had enough, to the desire to run far away from people, places, civilization. Anyone else want out of the dark valley?

Thank goodness Dirk the pastor included the next 5 verses. Here is where the opposite of despair shows up. An angel shakes Elijah awake and fixes him breakfast! More sleep, more food and he is ready to take up a long journey to a place where God Himself comes to Elijah in a gentle whisper and sets him back on his feet, back on task. Dark doesn’t win. I again relate to this story – arriving home, exhausted and waking up to someone making me a great cup of coffee and an spinach, egg, and cheese mexican breakfast torte smothered in Nanita’s hot green chili. Thanks JR, you angel you.

People, please believe me. God is for real. He is good. He is greater than the darkness which is also so very real and no one denies. Don’t push back on Who the Light Is. If you are curious or skeptic, desperate or not; if you have sat in a church for years and are pretending to believe but really don’t, or have never asked a single question about God – Please just ask God to show Himself to you. He will. I can’t help but share what is so real for me in the current dark valley. I don’t know too many people who haven’t lived through rough patches. What I know to be true is that the greatest opposite of those places, of those people, of those circumstances is the way Jesus shows up, encourages me and sets me back on my feet – back to living. He is doing that now. The cancer isn’t gone, the crap isn’t gone, I’m not done walking through. But I didn’t run and die alone under a bush. And I know for certain – I am not walking through alone.

Are you in a dark or dangerous place? Is hard piling up? Wanna run? Too overwhelmed to even know what you need? This is true: You Are Not Alone. God is everywhere and will not let you be overcome. As we are unique, our circumstances unique, God meets us uniquely.

Like this:

The Memory Holder July 24, 2009

(This post was one of the first I wrote when I started a blog. It was about the topic of Food being a love language. It is worth repeating.)

My grandfather Ed Rozeboom passed away recently. When my children were little we started calling him Grandpa Rosie because Rozeboom was a mouthful for toddlers. He lived long and finished well, going where he longed to go – the place where he is no longer an alien, but a citizen. The Promised Land.

There was a funeral, with all the expected people, places, and casseroles. Closure happened. But now there is remembering.

I like this part. Because the end of his life was recent I think of my grandpa as well as my grandma often. Here’s what keeps joyfully rising to the surface of these thoughts: food! Bringing lunch out to Grandpa on the tractor. Grandmas deep freeze in the sun room full of frozen candy from the previous holiday. The cellar in the basement where we put leftovers after big family meals. Learning to make Grandma’s pie crust that she had no recipe for. Camping & rolling coffee cans with grandpa to make home-made ice cream. Summer and sandwiches with Valveeta; Grandmas thick sliced garden tomatoes. Garden Tomato and Valveeta sandwiches on homemade bread. Peanut butter with butter on top of grandpa’s toast. More peanut butter and butter and sweet pickle sandwiches on Wonder Bread – Grandpas favorite. Grandmas cookies and bars and candy jars. And pizza. Grandpa always brought us pizza.

After the funeral, our family left Iowa and headed for Colorado making a stop at The Pizza Ranch for dinner. Not because it’s the greatest pizza we’ve ever had, but because it reminds us of this man we loved.

I find myself thankful when I think of my Grandparents Rosie. Remembering is healing. And I am most delighted to find that food is the memory holder. Given that, I am sure I will never forget them.

Like this:

“Happy Birthday to you…Happy Birthday dear Juuuulia. #40 is a Big One. Mom thinks you would have chosen Brats or Mexican food for your birthday supper. I think I would have given you a great new purse. Jeffy and Sara are visiting with the little ones – we know you would have been so glad they were theer on your special day. I wonder if Jim would have sent you black roses like he did on my 40th birthday? I don’t know what type of cake you liked best. Just thinking about picking out a card for you makes me giggle… Love Laura”

(excerpt from a birthday letter, July 30, 2013)

I think its important to celebrate the day people were born. No life is random. I’d like to celebrate my sister Julia’s 40th birthday by sharing a little of her best with others.

She could laugh till she snorted. Which made other people laugh too. She was one who knew great sadness but also able to laugh with gusto. It was contagious when she was with my girls. I am not certain what she did, but she consistently produced snot, toot, and tear producing laughter when Lauren and Lyndsay were in her presence.

Following a women’s retreat she attended, she called me to share what I must do every day to improve loving myself, just the way I was made. Her instructions were, “Stand in front of the mirror naked, look at yourself, raise your hands in the air and announce loudly, ‘I AM A MASTERPIECE’!”

I tried it. I still do on occasion. I’m not sure my self-image improves, but it always makes me laugh. Go ahead and give it a shot – you’ll know just what I mean!

Julia suffered so much for so long. Yet in some of her toughest days spent in offices, clinics, units, hospitals, she engaged with the suffering. She went where the sad and lonely, bruised and confused were because those parts of herself were not hidden behind masks. And though she was frightened by parts of life, she was courageous in this place – a place where I, maybe you avoid because we are frightened by it. She shared kind words. She shared the Good News. She shared herself not out of pity for others, but from a simple authenticity of one who isn’t afraid of others who hurt. The world needs more authentic people and less wearing masks.

Maybe the best of her best is a legacy she leaves. It is being gleaned and repeated by our wise mother who loved Julia

the longest

the best

the most.

Julia did the best she could.

Honestly, how can I, how can anyone do any more or better than that?

Then why do we all try so hard to?

“Julia, I’m sorry for my part in trying to ‘help’ you or push you to be someone you were not; to do something more or less than what you could do. It was selfish; I wanted you to get better. I believe now, you did do your best. You were the very best Julia you could be. I so admire that about you, though wish I had realized it sooner. I will try to head in that direction too. It may take a few more trips to the mirror naked, and taking off a mask or two, but I hope I can do it as well as you did. Way To Go SISTER!

Happy Birthday Jules.

Love Laura”

Julia left earth, circled by family song, story, prayer, and love and moved into her Mansion – a perfect place prepared just for her on October 15, 2011.