Circumstantial Evidence

President Trump has said that, under the “right circumstances,” he’d be “honored” to schedule a meet & greet with his North Korean counterpart, Kim Jong-un. This proves that our fearless leader has nothing if not a whopping big heart, and no doubt would have been equally disposed toward Tamerlane, Hitler, Pol Pot, and Jim Jones had his presidency coincided with their respective reigns of despotism. Just imagine how things might have turned out if The Man with No Brain had beat FDR in the 1940 election. Kinda gives ya pause. Of course, this conditional offer begs the question: what are the “right circumstances” under which Orange Donnie would agree to sit down with Haircut Boy? Sleuthing out the official answer posed a particularly thorny assignment for our crack investigative reporter, but as usual, she acquitted herself with flying colors. The White House’s requisite “circumstances,” which were found scribbled on sticky notes attached to the sweaty tank of Trump’s twitter toilet, are listed below:

Kim has reportedly never left North Korea (for fear of a coup in his absence). Nonetheless, the Prevericator-in-Chief would insist that the two meet at Mar-a-Lago. Even though Trump has expressed an interest in developing a resort property in suburban Pyongyang and could write off a visit there as a scouting opportunity, he apparently has a pathological fear of being arrested for espionage and exposing his generals, and his privates, to a blowtorch Brazilian in a North Korean labor camp.

As a precondition for a sit-down, Kim would be required to either: (a) disactivate his nuclear arsenal, or (b) sign a trade agreement obligating North Korea to import an undisclosed tonnage of Pennsylvania coal over the next eight years. (Incidentally, the photo above was taken at a Pennsylvania coal mine not a North Korean Labor camp.)

Under no circumstances would Korean Barbecue be served during a Kim visit. According to reliable sources, a late night order of yangbaechu-kimchi back in the 1980s famously led to a virulent outbreak of food poisoning at a fashionable Brooklyn “escort club” frequented by notable “players” in the New York real estate scene.

Giving credibility to recent reports that Trump and Kim are both looking to upgrade their hairdos, Kim would be required to bring along his team of personal sylists, whom Trump is anxious to have consult with his own. Representatives of Merck, Pfizer, and the U.S. Department of Agriculture would be on hand to discuss the pros and cons of Propecia, Rogaine, and chia implants.

As a precondition for a sit-down, Kim would be required to either: (a) halt development of his ICBM program, or (b) sign a trade agreement obligating North Korea to import an undisclosed number of Carrier air-conditioning units over the next eight years.

Finally, the Leader of the Free World would insist that Kim be available to assist in negotiations with NBC to revive The New Celebrity Apprentice by signing winner Dennis Rodman to succeed loser Arnold Schwarzenegger as host.