Saturday, 13 June 2015

Asexuality: What is it & My Coming Out story.

So over the past 21 years of my
life, I've always known that I was different. And I thought it was in a bad
way, turns out I didn't find out about this until a couple of weeks ago.

Hello, my name is Eilidh, I'm 21, I live in Scotland, I'm a music
student and I am a biromantic asexual.

Now
most of you will probably be thinking, 'What the fuck is that, is that another
way of saying you're bisexual?!' No, not quite. So this post is going to talk
about asexuality, what it is and the wide spectrum of the sexuality, then I'm
going to tell you my story, in the hope it helps someone out there who's
struggling. I also made a YouTube video just talking about asexuality in
general, using similar points.

These
links are extremely useful to fellow asexuals or if you're wanting to know more
about it. Most of the information in this post has been sourced from these
websites. The last link was the one I used to show my close friends and my
parents, and I think it's an incredible page to get the point across.

Asexuality
is a sexual orientation, like heterosexuality or homosexuality, but instead of
being sexually attracted to men or women, asexual people are sexually attracted
to no one. This doesn't mean we all hate sex or avoid it, it just means we
don’t find people sexually attractive. There's a wide spectrum with asexuality
so you can find out what works for you and that was a great comfort for me.

You can be asexual even if:

You
think someone is good looking:

It's
possible to think that someone is cute or beautiful without being sexually
attracted to them, in the same way it's possible to think a puppy is cute or a
painting is beautiful.

You're
dating or married:

Romantic
attraction is separate from sexual attraction. Many asexuals are interested in
relationships, even if they're not interested in sex.

You
have children or want children:

Sexual
orientation has no bearing on a person's fertility or whether or not they want
to have kids.

You've
fallen in love:

Love
and sex are not the same thing. Being in love with someone doesn't necessarily
mean you're interested in sex, as well.

You
get aroused:

Getting
"wet" is just your body doing what it's supposed to do. Getting
aroused doesn't have to mean you're sexually attracted to someone or something.

You
masturbate:

I
masturbate, big deal. It's a great stress reliever and it feels great but I'm
not necessarily thinking about someone when I do it.

You
look at porn or read erotica:

Some
asexuals look at porn and may even find it arousing. Some asexuals read
erotica. This does not require sexual attraction.

You've
had sex:

Having
sex doesn't mean you can't be asexual. Some aces are curious. Some aces think
it's what they're supposed to do.

You
haven't done any of those things:

Some
asexuals are aromantic, meaning they don't experience romantic attraction. Some
asexuals don't masturbate. Some asexuals never want to have sex.

Types of Romantic Orientation

Aromantic:

A
romantic orientation characterised by a persistent lack of romantic attraction
toward any gender.

Biromantic:

A
person who is romantically attracted to members of two different sexes or
genders. Biromantic asexuals seek romantic relationships for a variety of
reasons, including companionship, affection, and intimacy, but they are not
sexually attracted to their romantic partners.

Celibacy:

Not
participating in sexual activity (often specifically partnered sexual activity)
for any reason, not necessarily because of a personal choice.

Demiromantic:

A
demiromantic does not experience romantic attraction unless they have already
formed a strong emotional bond with the person.

Heteroromantic:

A
romantic orientation characterised by romantic attraction to the opposite
gender.

Homoromantic:

A
romantic orientation characterised by romantic attraction to the same gender.

Lithromantic:

Someone
who experiences romantic attraction, but does not desire reciprocation.

Panromantic:

A
romantic orientation characterised by romantic attraction to any gender.

Romantic
Attraction:

A
sense of “I would like to be involved in a romantic relationship with that
person”. (Please note that “romantic” in this context does not necessarily mean
flowers and sunsets on the beach and candlelit dinners.)

My Story (Coming Out)

Guess
I always knew throughout my life that something wasn't quite right from the get
go.

Throughout
high school, I was the fat, single 'friend' who never truly got accepted for
just being me, I was always with a group of 'friends' who were all in
relationships, all into boys and that just didn't appeal to me. I grew up in a
small town where no-one really had much faith in me, apart from my family of
course who are incredible. But I've always felt that I was different to other
people who want relationships, money, employment, I wanted to have this sense
of adventure and independence.

Living
in a world where you watch all the films and TV programmes, you hear from your
family and friends that you HAVE to be in a relationship, you HAVE to have sex
to be in love with your partner, you HAVE to like sex to be accepted. That
fucking terrified me and for ages I thought I was a freak because I was the
only one in my group of friends that could honestly say I could live without
sex and a partner. But I felt the pressure that one day, I HAVE to have sex or
find someone as it's one of the many goals you must achieve in your life, fair
enough it's how you're brought into the world but the way people can have sex
with anyone at anytime scared me.

I
have social anxiety which means that having to trust someone is a great effort,
I only have a couple of people I trust to be myself with. You constantly feel
like people judge you for the smallest things, don't like you, laugh at you or
stare at you almost like you have horns growing out of your head. You have to
live with these thoughts every single day, which isn't easy.

I
grew up to having many gay role models, especially in terms of music which is
what I study at university, being Elton John, David Bowie and of course my
guardian angel, Mr Freddie Mercury. Also, I watched Doctor Who and Torchwood
during the Russell T Davies' era, being openly gay himself, creating Captain
Jack Harkness who was bisexual and introducing various homosexual/homoromantic
relationships, it was educational for me in so many ways. So I knew about
homosexuality from a young age and accepted it from the start. When I started
university, I began watching Kaelyn and Lucy's videos and fell in love with
their special bond. I then subscribed to other gay couples such as Will and RJ
& Katy and Eilis and felt more of a connection with homoromantic relationships
as supposed to heteroromantic. I was watching several coming out stories and
related to people's insecurities and admired their bravery as it helps so many
other people who are going through similar situations.

People should be with who they love, regardless of the gender of
their partner.

I
never tell people I have feelings for them because everytime I do fall for
someone, I lose them. And for ages I thought what I truly felt couldn't
possibly be love if I didn't want to have sex with them.

I've
fallen in love with two people, both male, in my life where I actually told
them how I felt and both of them turned me down in different ways. One
completely broke my heart and took away my confidence, the other is still my
best friend today and gave me the confidence to find out who I was and to truly
be me because of his own bravery.

I
have had many romantic crushes on women too, albeit secret and if I do think
about it, if I had to have sex with a partner, I would be more comfortable with
a woman than I would be with a man. On my Facebook, it does say that I'm
interested in both men and woman but before I never made it a big deal, so
nobody asked, I just thought they assumed.

One
thing though I can connect with all of these people I have fallen for, I don't
want to have sex with them. I have never been sexually attracted to them, I
don't picture myself having sex with them whatsoever and I wouldn't dare to ask
that from them. Because I hate relationships, I hate romance and closeness,
I've had rare cases where people were close to me and it made me feel
incredibly uncomfortable, even the thought of performing sexual acts myself
scares me. I may make innuendos and dirty jokes sometimes in conversation as
you do with friends, I'm often known to having a 'dirty mind' at times, but the
reality is, I can't picture myself in these particular scenarios. I feel like I
would be the worst partner ever because I'm not sexy, I don't see myself as
attractive and I'm a mess deep down inside. I'm a misfit to this society where
you're instantly judged for being a virgin at the age of 21.

To
be both biromantic and asexual may seem like it's a tough concept for most
people to fully comprehend. You do hear people say that bisexual/biromantic and
asexual people don't really exist and they're just scared of committing to one
person. We don't know what we want and we shouldn't come out as we're not
actually gay or we're afraid to admit that we actually are gay. That we don't
want to have relationships or have kids or settle down. That's not the case at
all. Accept people for who they are, unless they murder, attack or rape people.

All we want is to be accepted and for people to listen.

May
16th 2015, that was the day I discovered and finally accepted that I was a
biromantic asexual. I was looking up things on Google, found the asexuality
forum, read a bunch of different posts and suddenly took in a deep breath. When
I exhaled, I thought to myself, I'm asexual. I'm a biromantic asexual. I hate
how people put strict labels on each other and I hate restricting myself into
some box that you can't seem to change but this term seemed to explain how I
currently feel in a way for others to understand. I soon told my two best
friends, who I adore, the truth and they were nothing short but incredible. I
never thought I would be so lucky after shutting myself from pretty much
everyone to have two amazing people in my life who love me no matter what.
After telling them, I wanted to keep things hush hush for the time being, it
took me so long to finally think to myself, 'You're ok. You're not a freak.'
that I wanted to relish in this discovered hidden truth. But after a while, it
started to eat away at me, especially when I was with my family.

I
decided on the 4th of June to let my mum and dad know about this, with the
parents guide to asexuality, it seemed to be the best way to tell them. So the
next morning, before going to work, I sent them the message on FB messenger on
my phone as I didn't have internet in my new flat at the time. Mum texted me that
evening to say it was my business and no-one else's, but it was a shame I
didn't tell them face to face. She said dad was very quiet in response and that
worried me, the last thing I wanted was to hurt anyone for just being me. I
took it hard, beat up myself inside about it and got upset, my best friend
who's now my flatmate told me that I worry too much and that everything would
be fine. I hope they're not going to make this a big deal as I never made my
sexuality a big deal before but it was almost as if I was a different person
when I saw them and I had to lie to keep them happy. It does take a while to
get your own head around this, hell, it took me 21 years. You may have seen
several coming out videos where parents are instantly loving and supportive to
their son and daughter, you have to remember they're human too. They will have
questions, they do get hurt, they will have pictured you having a heterosexual
partner, having a family and growing old with them. But at the end of the day,
they should still love you no matter what. Try not to be disheartened if it
takes a while for them to comprehend everything as coming out is a difficult
thing for everyone that has to do it.

In
the world around 1% of the population identify themselves as asexual but that
doesn't mean there's more people out there. There could be a young teenage boy
or girl sitting in their group of friends who are in sexual relationships,
having conversations about sex and they feel broken and alone because they
don't see people in the same way. Sounds cliche and may seem stupid to hear,
but I want you to know if you're going through a similar situation that you're
not alone. Coming out as asexual is just as scary as coming out as gay,
bisexual, transgender, you name it.

It's the 21st century and people shouldn't be afraid to be who
they really are.