Sunday, May 6, 2012

It Takes a Village to Get me Hitched. Seriously. Part One.

And not some wimpy village of people holding hands around the campfire singing "Kumbaya". Okay, I think that might be a commune. Whatever. No, it takes a village of hardworking, creative, smarter-than-me peeps with a good sense of humor and a lot of patience to get me down the aisle. Thank God my village (made me think of Jonestown when I said that) consists of such people. Here are some of the highlights (I will again revert to bullets to cut down on the length of this bad boy):

I shall begin by saying my godson and Ring Bearer Extraordinaire has the best possible way of greeting people-running at you at 500 miles an hour, screaming his elation at seeing you and then throwing his arms around you in a hug that will melt your cold dead heart. Rosa? Jody? Can I get a witness? (Not that your hearts are cold and dead. They are fine as far as I can tell.)

My little Leo. I'm not saying I dotry to get his parents to let him stay withme sometimes so I can steal him andmake him love me more than them, butI'm not saying I don't either.

The reason he ran to hug me? Because Leo and his parents, Dan and Erin, arrived at the venue before me because I am perpetually late to everything.

But it was not my fault this time. My GPS would not recognize the venue address if I put in County Road. However, CR was fine. Stupid GPS.

Dan: There are already mics set up in the barn. I'm going to check the sound. Dan (a couple of minutes later and amplified): I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE!

The mics worked.

There were approximately seven people running around the wedding location, one of whom was four-years-old, yet I was the only person who not only managed to find the lone mud hole, but to get stuck in it.

Standing in said mud hole and screaming will not remove you from it. Luckily, Rosa has had much experience with me and mud holes and knew to calmly say, "I think you need to get in the grass."

However, I stand by my hypothesis that particular hole contained quicksand.

NJ (last Monday night when discussing the wedding): Who broke the table the cards and presents were on? Me: I don't know what you're talking about. NJ: I saw Erin carry it off in two pieces and act like it was supposed to be that way. Me: ItwaslikethatwhenwefounditIdidn'tseeanythingyou shouldstopmakingupstories.

Yeah, if you commit a crime, I'm obviously the girl you want with you when the police start asking questions.

But the table looked great:

I've mentioned my friend Rosa and her greatness andher Etsy page Lola's Sugar Truck? Yes? Yeah,all this stuff was in her house becauseshe's that crafty. Bitch.

As did this one:

Rosa and Erin did all this while I don't even know where Iwas. Maybe Jody and I were trying to put tableclothson tables? Or maybe they slipped me a roofie soI'd shut the hell up.

Jody (sitting on the back steps of the ranch house while we admired our work and tried to figure out where food might be since none of us packed a snack nor passed through an actual town while traveling to our destination): Ponies! No, cows. I didn't expect them to gallop so I thought they were ponies.

Jody is the smartest friend I have.

Rosa and Grace serenaded us with Lady Gaga while traveling to get food until the point a large turkey buzzard stopped in front of our car to enjoy a snack.

Then we all screamed like hysterical girls.

Well, all of us except Jody who was looking out the side window and was like, "What happened?"

We can't let her get hungry like that again.

After driving around aimlessly for an hour due to GPS' hating my wedding venue, the minister arrived just in time for my parents to call and say they were lost.

Me: Did daddy print out directions? Joy Fay: Well, no. Me: Has he been here before? Joy Fay: No. Me: How did he think he was going to find it since it's a ranch? In the country. Joy Fay: Joe, how did you think you were going to find the place without directions since it's in the country-watch that car. Did you see that car? I'm so glad the kids aren't in the car with you right now.

Upon hearing their location, Mr. T, the minister offered his assistance in making their way to us since he passed it lots.

I told him good luck with all that and immediately requested a glass of wine because dealing with my mother on the phone managed to stress me out more than getting stuck in quicksand, possibly being an accessory to a crime and almost hitting a huge scary ass bird.

I've never seen him shaken before and that's even when he took a pack of fourth graders on a trip to San Antonio, but he looked shell shocked after dealing with them on the phone.

He drank wine, too.

Okay, this is still waaaayyy too long, so I'll stop here for today and pick up with part two of the pre-wedding antics in another post. Hopefully tomorrow. It should be shorter.

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I'm a white trash, southern belle newly re-married mother of two- a hormonal teen girl and a boy genius-who is trying to figure out this whole parenting thing, how to make my second marriage work since the first one obviously didn't turn out too well, what she wants to be when she grows up and the meaning of life. It's sure not what the experts call a "normal" life, but there's never a dull moment!