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LOVING KINDNESS

okay, so, let me just say right upfront that i have been on edge. like super duper close to the edge. i’d like to say that i’ve only been on edge for say a week or two, but that’s not the truth. oh, please. i’ve been on edge for about four, or five, or … eight months. and i’d like to say i’ve been on edge because i’m head to toe full blown menopausal, but that would just seem like a bigger fatter lie.

i mean, how can i be menopausal for over 10 years?

okay, well, i can be. but not likely.

ken i and started an addition on our home about, oh, 2 years ago, 2 & a half years ago, because, well, we decided that it would be just so swell to have an extra bedroom, and a bigger, sexy dining area, and another bathroom so that when our entire “friends and family” verizon plan come to visit, they can have their own gorgeous space. no one told us (or maybe they did, but we didn’t listen, or hear, or want to listen or hear) that it would also cause major hemorrhaging of money. major. like huge buckets of money. and well…on top of that, my entire family imploded, and so, we’re hoping that by the time we finish this addition that we started oh, 2 years ago, 2 & a half years ago, with big smiles on our faces and money in the bank, our friends will come and visit and maybe even stay for a while.

but as always, i digress.

recently our dryer (the fab partner to our washer) broke. the knob came off in my hand. in my hand. GE, it brings good things to life. i told ken he had to fix it now. as in get out of the tub and go down to the basement and fix the dryer knob NOW. he told me, very politely i might add, to go fuck myself. as you can imagine this didn’t go over very big with me. ken got out of the tub and informed me that our dryer was now knob-less. i have no idea what that means. i called mr. cronk, our appliance repair man and explained what happened and he very quietly and calmly me told me that we obviously needed a new part and that he would order it for us and come over by the end of the week. ken wanted to know why i didn’t order mr. cronk to get out of the tub now and fix it now. because i’m not married to him, i said.

which brings me to this.

when the dryer broke, we had a load of white wash in the washing machine, and it so happens that while the white load was washing & spinning & washing ken threw in his old red – well, maybe not red, more a maroon color – tee-shirt…

and well, you can just imagine.

me being me.

not so fucking pretty in pink.

sometimes we look up at the heavens (or we’re under the covers, or sitting in a bathroom stall or just in prayer mode) and say, or think, or scream,”please oh please, i want my life to change NOW, RIGHT NOW. my life needs to change this instant. a big fat change. period.” we say – demand – that we need our life to be bigger, more open, re-arranged, and usually that need comes from a very intuitive place in our soul. we are starving, hungry for new. and then sometimes in a matter of days, weeks, months… things start to fall apart, implode, disappear, evaporate, shrink. get lost, people leave, walk away, cars breakdown, cats die, whites turn pink. and we freak out, and stomp our feet, and cry and spew and curse, and carry on because everything – everything – is falling away, apart, to the wayside. and then the epiphany, the ah-fucking-ha moment, the holy shit wow moment when you realize that all this, the mess, the crisis, the radical smash-up is all because you looked up at the heavens, and had the audacity, and balls out courage to say out-loud i need my life to change.

the universe heard your cry, prayer, hope, dream, frustration – NEED.

loud & clear.

it did.

it delivered.

i pleaded, prayed, begged for change.

i was hoping for a trip to paris with a side of Arles.

what i got was full-on chaos, a huge mess, a hemorrhaging bank account, and broken appliances.

Just found you over at Manifest-Station with your gorgeously written take on empty and full and family.
When I have that crappy possibly-peri-menopausal-midlife-crisisish-PMSing feeling I say that I can feel my toenails growing. And while I’m sorry you have that rotten feeling, I do so appreciate you describing it so beautifully (and with humor) on this rainy bleak day. Because I needed it. Thank you.