Deadseriousness 2018 MLB Awards

MLB and the baseball writers that are given award votes and having an awful 2018 award season. How is JD Martinez not a finalist for the MVP award? And what’s even more perplexing is that JD won a Silver Slugger award for both outfield AND designated hitter.

JD Martinez wasn’t an outfielder last season. That’s like giving David Ortiz both awards because sometimes when the Red Sox played against National League teams, he had to play first base. I’m getting myself angry. Let’s keep it moving. I hate the baseball writers.

It’s up to me to give the correct awards out to the people who actually deserve it.

Here are the Deadseriousness 2018 MLB Awards:

The ‘Home Run or DIE’ Award: Joey Gallo

In 2018, sabermetrics and advanced analytics have taken over at-bats. Players who hit home runs and strike out are more valuable than guys who hit singles and never strike out. Joey Gallo was created in a lab by these sabermetrics folks.

500 at-bats.

40 home runs

92 RBIs

207 strikeouts

.206 batting average

Home. Run. Or. Die.

The ‘Trevor Bauer is a Shitty Teammate’ Award: Trevor Bauer

To recap that conversation:

“Hey, Trevor. Who should win the Cy Young award, you or your teammate?”

Trevor Bauer: Me. Fuck Corey Kluber.

*whispers* never forget he voted for Donald Trump.

The ‘Wins Don’t Matter’ Award: Jacob deGrom

Jacob deGrom made 32 starts this season.
He allowed 0 runs in 8 starts
He allowed 1 run in 10 starts
He allowed 2 runs in 5 starts
He allowed 3 runs in 8 starts
He allowed 4 runs in 1 start
He never allowed more than four runs in any start

Sure, deGrom only won 10 games this season but in his defense, he had a Mets jersey on his back. 10 wins are double the number of wins that anyone could’ve predicted for him. No one scored runs on deGrom. He had the most dominant season since Randy Johnson was exploding birds with fastballs.

The ‘What The Fuck Happened To Chris Davis’ Award: Chris Davis

Chris Davis made $17 million this season and had 79 hits. The worst batting average in MLB history for a qualified player is .179. Crush Davis hit .168. Davis had the worst hitting season in the entire 4,000 year history of baseball.

Thoughts and Prayers to Davis’s career.

The ‘Miguel Andujar is an Objectively Better Baseball Player Than Shohei Ohtani, You Cowards’ Award: Miguel Andujar

Shohei Ohtani won the Rookie of the Year award because he pitched 10 games while also being a designated hitter. Cute. Miguel Andujar was one of the best third basemen in the entire league.

Andujar hit .297 with 27 homers and 92 RBIs. He would be the best player on about 26 teams across the league but he happens to wear pinstripes so he’s behind Aaron Judge and Giancarlo Stanton.

Andujar was 3rd in all of baseball in doubles. Shohei Ohtani pitched 50 innings and baseball writers are comparing him to Babe Ruth. Fuck. Out. Of. Here.

The ‘We Need To Talk About The Fact That Joey Votto Literally Never Pops Up’ Award: Joey Votto

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