Gene splicing will allow males to forego nipples in favor of larger penises

University of Maine genetic scientist, Dick N. Larger, PhD and an assistant check out DNA of a donor seeking a big penis

SALEMS LOT, ME - Geneticists at the University of Maine Salems Lot Campus have announced a stunning breakthrough in the field of genetic splicing, at a news conference on Saturday afternoon.

"This is a wonderful feat of genetic engineering," said Dr. Dick N. Larger, PhD of the U of M's Mendelssohn's Laboratory.

"From now on, parents will not only be able to choose the sex of their children, but will also be able to choose to ignore vestigial nipples (which serve no purpose) on male children in favor of much larger, thicker penises," said Larger.

Not everyone is so enthusiastic about genetic engineering, it seems. Scores of Evangelical Christians picketed the Salems Lot campus beginning on Friday evening. Word of the discovery was leaked to the press by a so-called born again, Christian Scientist, Godama Bear, who was angry because he was denied tenure as a professor of Intelligent Design.

Pickets carried signs with such slogans as: "If God wanted men to have larger penises She would have made smaller vaginas!" and "God said 'Let man have useless nipples; I do!'" and "Genes are made to be worn, not spliced!"

Despite the picketing of the Anti-Splicers, as the protestors are known in Maine, prospective parents are already signing up for interviews at the Mendelssohn's Laboratory. They are required to give blood samples, social histories, and financial statements in order to qualify for the genetic splicing program.

However, not every couple is welcomed at the laboratory. Same sex couples are forbidden to apply for genetic splicing.

"No fucking faggots need apply," said Dick N. Larger.

"And if we find out that a bunch of queers slipped in with members of the opposite sex, posing as normal couples, just to fool us, we'll insert a gene into the child that will cause it to never leave home-at least not until it murders its parents," he said.

Make Frankie The J's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

More fake news stories

Miami, FL - Miami Mayor, Roberto Pinkipants, needed to find a new fireworks display company for their upcoming 4th of July fireworks extravaganza - and they needed it fast! But, of course, the problem is, every company in the business is pretty busy...

A group of engineers who worked in a group codenamed "Operation Echo Chamber" have unveiled their new creation-a "free speech box" which would allow activists to exercise their rights to free speech without interfering with the interests of other...

After spending billions and billions on conquering space and bringing back a few stones, bits of dust and confirming the fact that no other living things exist in our solar system, scientists have decided to send spectacular images back from Pluto (I...

Imaging obtained of Pluto and its moons has caused fierce controversy at NASA over the last two weeks. One image taken by the Long Range Reconnaissance Imager (LORRI) shows what appears to be a fuzzy blob with distinctive brightness variations. While...

While wasting time aimlessly searching the night sky through the telescopic lens of his new Fisher-Price toy assault rifle, a 9 year-old boy accidentally discovered the most important astronomical event ever witnessed in the history of Earth, when he...

BOSTON, Mass. - Remember that horrible Boston winter that had a blizzard effect all over the cable news networks? Well it's still around. It's not snowing on the East Coast now that Memorial Day has come and gone, but the remnants of last winter stan...

President Barry Obummer is madder than Michelle on PMS at the news that the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA, for short) is spending one billion dollars "that could be better spent on propping up Obummercare," Prezident Obummer co...

CUPERTINO, CA - Apple Inc. CEO, Tim Cook, announced today that they would introduce several new wearable technology products in Spring of 2016.
Products will be available for both men and women. Men's products will include: iShoes, iSocks, iPants,...