"All eyes are on the United States in 2014," said the press release, "with 20 other participating countries anxious to see who will represent the stars and stripes on the world stage in Oulu, Finland."

On Saturday night at the Independent, Pop Roxwell, a.k.a. Rachel Rockwood, won the San Francisco competition , which might have put her on the road to the national competition (in Kansas City, Mo.) and from there, to the world air guitar final, to take place in Finland on Aug. 29. (Last year's international winner, Mean Melin of the United States, performs at http://bit.ly/1oX9Te6.)

Alas, that journey was not to be. Having won the regional competition in 2013 and 2014, "I am the two-time San Francisco champion," Rockwood told me, but contestants accumulate numerical scores. Woe is she, Rockwood wound up .5 points (out of 6) short. It would be possible for her to make her way to Kansas City as a dark horse competitor in the national finals, but "for me," she said, "I feel if it didn't happen at the semifinals, I'm not going to push my luck. I have other things to be doing."

Rockwood is a makeup artist, comedian, writer, producer and actor in the sketch group Chardonnay, and she is affiliated with the entertainment group Piano Fight, which is taking over the old Original Joe's space in the Tenderloin.

For the competition - in which she competed with 15 air guitarists - she performed ZZ Top's "Legs." Judging was based on technical skills, overall performance (showmanship) and general "airness," which means "how well you occupy the space. My strong suit is that I'm a good show-woman. I know how to have fun and put on a good show. I got knocked for technical because, believe it or not, I don't play the actual guitar. So I could understand why my technical would be a little lacking."

As to individual air guitar styles, the trend right now "is in performing metal or hard-core rock," said Rockwood. "But I have seen people doing Spanish guitar. Then their hands don't look like they're holding a pick, they look like they're strumming. The beautiful thing about air guitar is that you can be or play whatever you want to be. ... As the air guitar community gets bigger, you'll see a lot wider range of styling coming out. And the people that do this, as their hobby and passion, they really become their characters."

That includes Rockwood. "I'm part of this community now. ... It's been a fun experience getting wrapped up in this community of people. They're weirdos, man, and I belong among them."

The winner shares some hints for the beginner: "First off, feel the music, and know how a guitar feels in your hand. ... Really feel the song and throw your body and your heart into it. It's all about feeling it. ... Air guitar is a metaphor for life. You just gotta go with it."

Reading about the theft and subsequent recovery of three Tillamook Cheese vans inspired Paul McHugh:

"Cheese crisis! They got jacked! What kind of Muensters would do such a thing? They should've locked these big wheels in a Roquefort, not left 'em in a hotel lot, the scene of the rind. Turned out, stealing 'em was a real bries, so it was feta'd to happen, and the miscreants made gouda their escape!" Ultimately, he added upon learning the crime had been solved, "they didn't get a whey with it."

-- Jamie Jobb tried out a new burger place in Napa that promised that its paper napkins are "cruelty-free." Because they weren't tested on animals? Or perhaps because they never leave lint on black pants?

-- Cable car lines at Powell and Market are long, as is the line of European shoppers snapping up bargains at Ross. Dave Heventhal suggests the locals celebrate the season, too, with an August "Dress Like a Tourist Day."

-- Sure, the 49ers' Jim Harbaughmust be looking forward to a new season in a new stadium. But perhaps he had a summer job. Rick Harlick looked at an ad in Wednesday's paper for Renewal windows by Andersen, and noticed that the installer toting a window not only looks like the coach, but was wearing a baseball cap, loose khaki pants, sports shirt, the full Harbaugh.

(Meanwhile, Jerry Mattersnotes that Levi's is the "only Jewish-named stadium in the NFL." (Matters is lobbying for a deli there.)