Welcome current and future Border Patrol managers. This course is a case study on how to slowly destroy a man and will help you deal with agents who question your poor decisions. By the end of this course, you will know how to bring those agents in line or force them out of a job. You will also understand that there are some occasional side effects, such as: drop in morale; drop in operational effectiveness; and an occasional death. Actually, it isn’t too occasional since there have been three in Detroit in just over two years and many more in other Border Patrol sectors. However, do not be concerned, the Border Patrol is still hiring so they are easily replaced. Also, a drop in operational effectiveness is useful in misleading Congress and the public, which makes that next promotion more likely. As for morale, don’t be concerned. Morale has never been a priority in the Border Patrol and is becoming even less of a priority with our new management philosophy.

First you must identify your “problems”. They are usually the agents with the nerve to ask why they are being told to illegally detain people or why they are required to turn the other way when they see crimes committed away from the immediate border. They are easy to spot and must be stopped before they pull back the curtain and reveal the façade that is immigration enforcement. How are managers supposed to convince other agents to go out and pretend to work every day when these problem children are stirring the pot?

Once you identify your targets, you must immediately start to discredit and slight them at every turn. Find out what pushes their buttons and work it. Get in his or her face. Better yet, find someone else to do it. With so many new supervisors and junior agents in the Patrol, this should be easy. Eager to please and save the country from the terrorists attacking our shores, you will be able to appeal to their patriotism or their desire to promote within the ranks. Others may assist in hopes of getting out of a location they feel trapped in. All of these people are useful tools ready to be exploited.

Eventually these problems will either get in line or get fed up. Then we can start to drop the hammer on them. The preferred avenue is to discipline them at every occasion, real or otherwise, for disrespect or conduct unbecoming. Hell, make something up;, kind of ironic huh, disrespect! There is nothing better than disciplining someone for something we do not deserve. It drives them crazy and it should lead to more confrontation.

It is important to note that this method may lead to you becoming personally invested in destroying these people for both you and your minions. Please do not worry about this and tell your little helpers not to worry either. We will do what we can to cover this up and if that is not possible, you always have the little people to blame, which should leave you free and clear. We take care of our people here. At least the ones who aren’t identified as problems “wink, wink”!

Closing the deal. Eventually this problem is going to crack. The agent will begin to hate to come to work. They might start drinking, showing up late, or burning through sick leave. Nobody knows exactly how the agent will react, but we guarantee it will lead to something you can use to make your first case against them. Follow them around at work. Sooner or later you will find them eating or sitting in one spot too long or you can always make something up. If not, then you aren’t trying hard enough and you need to go back to the top of this lesson and repeat.

A prime example of how this system works is the recent successful case of Mr. Dave Wagner. Mr. Wagner was a Union Steward who wore his heart on his sleeve. Agents like him are the easiest. This case took some time, but with determination and a healthy dose of help from upper management, no problem is un-fixable. In this situation, Dave was targeted early. We started by taking away all of the things he liked to do at the station: we removed him from Peer Support, drove him off of the boat patrol, and pitted him against some of the new agents. It took some time, but eventually he was set up in a few situations where we could stick some disrespectful conduct to him.

Under this system, it is highly recommended that managers start with trivial counseling statements for things that are typically ignored when committed by anyone else. It is best to ensure these “counselings” are for things you do on a regular basis for maximum hypocrisy. Agents hate it because it really makes them feel like a target, which is paramount if you want to get them to cross that line. Please remember to always work on bringing in additional help from new supervisors and agents. The more people you find, the more effective you will be in implementing this system.

Anyway, Mr. Wagner’s case had an abrupt end. Not sure what happened because we don’t really acknowledge these cases; they aren’t real people anyway. You may see some short-lived fallout over these from like-minded agents, but do not worry. It only helps identify the next problem!

We hope this course helps you with your desire to become an effective Border Patrol manager who recognizes promoting is more important than the mission, core values, and that silly motto, “Honor First”. Please deposit one soul in the recycle bin on your way to your new office, it is counter productive to the efficiency of the service and could lead to you being identified as the next problem.