Every year we’re stunned by Penn students’ sheer inability to submit funny shoutouts. Since you never learn, we’re making an example of some particularly heinous submissions. We’re not laughing with you, we’re laughing at you.
by34TH STREET

Highbrow Career Services: Resumé Workshop

The hero we don't deserve.

Reading between the lines takes on a whole new meaning when it comes to resumes. Let Highbrow help you wade through the BS.

OBJECTIVE

Seeking a position as [insert anything here, really]——Seeking a diet of more than just Easy Mac and free Dunkin coffee every time the Eagles win.

SKILL SUMMARY

Able to efficiently utilize a variety of social media platforms——I have the Followers app for Instagram (follow for follow; my ratio and aesthetic are both pristine), and my longest Snapchat streak is 312 days and still counting.

Proficient with with Word, Excel, and conducting Internet research——I use Word for school essays, and have used Excel a few times for Intro to Biology Labs. Additionally, the Internet is my go–to tool for any question I may have, including “How many days are in September?”

Extensive experience working with children in a variety of settings——I’ve babysat not just one, but three different kids that may or may not have been related to me. They loved me!

Fluent in French——I’ve watched Amélie, like, five times.

EDUCATION

University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, PA May 2019

Bachelor of Arts

Major: Communications——Two years was not nearly enough time to figure out my life… so no, Communications is not a useless major, and yes, I am looking for a job in finance. Why do you ask?

Minor: Consumer Psychology——Name-dropping Wharton makes me much more marketable, and it only took a few cutthroat classes!

GPA: 3.0/4.0——I thought I was going to be a chemistry major. Mom, Dad, don’t worry. The good ole GPA is slowly back on the rise after I dropped all my STEM classes.

WORK EXPERIENCE

Resident Advisor Aug 2017 - present

Mentors freshmen and handles situations of extreme pressure = Once, a resident got so drunk she peed in the kitchen sink, and I had to clean it up. To be fair, they’ve gotten me back into bed before. It’s a symbiotic relationship.