What Is a Boundary Pusher and How to Set Limits

Who is the person you find most annoying to
deal with? This person seems to exhaust you, contacting you constantly and
never satisfied. The irritating requests come at all times of the day and
things that were resolved are brought back up again. You might feel like this
person’s personal complaint department! It just never ends!

This person is a boundary pusher. Boundary pushers
can show up anywhere: your customer, your employee, your father-in-law, your
friend, your spouse… Your boundaries are pushed in very small ways all the
time. It may even be part of your job at work to find yourself dealing with
boundary-pushers all day long.

The worst strategy you can use with a
boundary-pusher is trying and trying to please him. You keep thinking if you
just give him what he wants, he will go away satisfied and appreciative. Oh,
how wrong you are! A boundary pusher won’t be satisfied.

A boundary-pusher is engaged in the search
for satisfaction that she almost never feels.

What’s the best strategy to use with a
boundary pusher? Stop letting her decide if you have done a job well. You must
always set the terms of the job or contract, with expectations clearly spelled
out ahead of time. Since a boundary pusher will likely not know if she is
satisfied or not (because remember, she is never satisfied), it’s best if you
establish your own criteria for a job well done.

In addition to establishing your own criteria
for success, you need to do two other things, always:

First, recognize the boundary pushers. Is the
behavior a pattern?Do you hear them
expect people to serve them or take care of problems for them? Do they expect
you to handle their responsibilities? Do they seem to have one problem after
another?Do they act like you “owe it to
them” to solve their problems?

Second, set limits. Manage your time, access,
and availability. Do not allow drop-in visits if you are someone who schedules
your appointments. Boundary pushers will often not think about time or place.
So, perhaps you are at your kid’s soccer game and the boundary pusher wants to
discuss his job with you. It is OK to say, “I’d love to talk about your job.
Let’s set a time to meet at my office. Right now, I’m watching my child play
soccer.”

If you’d like to learn more about how to use
your boundaries to take care of yourself and prevent stress, overload and other
symptoms, come to one of my workshops, April 18th or May 8th.
Register online at www.TransformYourBoundaries.com

I learned the healing power of boundaries first with myself, then by teaching it to many others. I am the author of Transform Your Boundaries and Naming and Taming Overwhelm. My next book is on Trauma and Recovery. I am a psychotherapist with more than 3 decades of experience. But my experience has not been limited to a small room with a couch. I also ran 3 non-profit organizations for 20 years, founding 2 of those orgs and taught leadership 7 years.
Making boundaries easier has become my life purpose. I believe many of our conflicts, stress, and difficulties comes from the need to develop a deeper understanding about boundaries. I have webinars and workshops to help you grow your abilities.