Long story short...I was abused ny older boys in my neighborhood for quite some time, my family never knew and eventually moved, so I was spared any more bad stuff, although as I grew up and became my own man,I began to get healthy and sober and started working out alot. Pyhsically I felt great and looked great, I thought I had all the abuse stuff in a box on a dark shelf somewhere.

Man was I wrong, found myself sitting in a steamroom after a work out, typical all male, some towels, som without, all the other men had left except one man sitting across from me, no big deal most days, except today I found myself getting aroused as I sat near another naked guy alone in a steam room.

I hated the thought of what was happening, but i quickly left to make sure this wasn't something i enjoyed, just a fluke right?

I found myself thinking about it more over the next few weeks and even went to the steam more, was this from what I learned being abused at 9 years old in the woods?

Anyway nothing but an erection ever came from this and I moved on in life, moved out west, met a great girl and had 3 wonderful boys, Blessed to say the least, I was sober for most of my marriage until we moved to the NW, I drank after 14 years, met a woman in a bar and broke my marriage vows, game on for this survivor, I was drinking and texting this woman and eventually eneded up on craigslist personals looking for something, keep in mind my marriage was not in great shape but my wife knew none of what I was doing.

Well Craigslist led to more bad things in my life, including me searching for men to act out some weird fantasy,although I consider myslef very straight and definetly attracted to women, I had this desire to do bad things because that's what my brain had learned at a very early age.

So i continued this for awhile, looking for a man that would act out the same thing i was feeling discreetly tho.I found a couple and even sent pictures of myself thinking this was normal, this is how crazy the progression was without any treatment.

My wife dicovered ALL of my text messages to both the woman and the men, kind of emabarrising to say the least, but I took it like a man and owned all of it and for the first time in my life I told another human about my abuse as a kid, even told her about the steam romm stuff, this was the weight off my shoulders I thought.

It's now been a year and a half since my wife and I have decided to save our marriage and for me to face my demons, I now realize my attraction to men was a part of my brain that wanted to speak out, wanted to get caught and wanted life to get back to normal..My wife does not completely understand and still believes that some if not all of my behaviour will return, but I'm working hard every day to be the man my wife and kids need.

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"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

Your experience and acting out are very familiar to me and others here. You are definitley not alone. Sounds like you are doing what you can to turn your life around. Its hard work but will be worth it. Good luck to you.

Jude

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I will remember youWill you remember me?Don't let your life pass you byWeep not for the memoriesSarah McLachlan

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