ENFJ: Permanent Separations and Deep Distress

I've been having a hard time.

There's a man I've known for 15 years now. An ESTP. He was one of my foremen. We got off to a very rocky start which I won't go into, but once the smoke cleared, he was a big supporter of me and gave me chances when everyone else was slamming doors in my face. He was ultra-intelligent and was always frittering with things, impossible things, like a perpetual motion machine. He was cranky and funny and difficult and helpful.

He'd race me to class. He'd invite/allow me to sit on his lectures even when I was no longer under his jurisdiction. He'd provoke me on purpose when he was in a mood and get a big sick smile when I growled at him.

Once, when I was having a really bad day, I was walking past the garage and he called me in. We talked briefly, and as I was leaving, still feeling lost, he called after me, "You're .... different. You do know that?" That changed the entire tenor of the day for me, like being like everyone else wasn't important. I knew he truly cared about me. I needed to hear it.

I had a dream about him. That he was in the hospital. A few days later, my mother told me that he was dying. I fought tears and marched away. After agonizing over it, I broke down and wrote him a letter, telling him what he meant to me. I hope it made a difference. I don't know.

I don't let go of people very well. I'm having a hard time with the connecting threads snapping left and right.

I know we're all passengers in time, but it wears on me brutally sometimes.

Thank you, LL. *lays head on you* I've been confronted with important people I've lost so much in the last month that it's really breaking my heart. It feels like something deep down being ripped up out of me.

I still cry over my horse and he's been dead almost 7 years. I cry like it was yesterday. I feel his loss like it's never going to stop. That sort of unanswerable grief. I can't get loose from it. Time sloshes back and forth and I feel the loss over and over.

Hey Pink... I'm so sorry.
You know my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly a few months ago. We were married 26 1/2 years and were together for 2 years before that. Not only was he the man of my dreams, but he was my best friend, too. I still wish it was all a bad dream. I don't want him to be gone! Physically, I'm still reeling from the shock... my appetite isn't normal... my digestive system isn't working right. My memory is shot. Then there's the emotional pain.

It's good that you wrote the letter. It's always nice to have a chance to say goodbye.

LL - That sort of horrible ripping and tearing... how do you manage? Where do you find the bravery to stand up or eat or speak? Once people are rooted into my heart, they aren't meant to come back out. Not without a catastrophic bloody hole.

If I didn't have my kids depending on me, I probably wouldn't be coping. I guess I keep going for them.

Reading your stories is just heart-wrenching. I guess Ts and Fs probably process grief a bit differently. Since my husband died, I never know when or where I am going to just burst into tears. I guess that's cause I'm usually out of touch with my feelings, but as soon as I start thinking about him... I don't mind crying though. It's healing and cleansing. If I didn't cry, I'd probably die from the stress.