You've Got Mail

For sometime now I have been thinking, how one can justify the undeniable contradictions that exist in the international steel cage octagon of idea-thinkings? Here in which are being constantly debated, specially in political forums and amongst university students. Many questions remain unanswered, and there are many important midterms coming up! These thinkings and contradictions and debations have given me many important headaches. I am telling you this the hopes that it might bring about an opportunity to redress them, and in hopes that you have some Tylenol II.

Can one be a follower of Jesus Christ (PBUH), the great Messenger of God,

Feel obliged to go to the pancake breakfast at the Jesus (PBUH) mosque,

And also Bingo Nites,

Announce one’s opposition to the proliferation of nuclear weapons and WMDs,

Make “War and Terror” into catchy advertising jingle,

And finally, Work towards the establishment of a unified international community – a community which will be governed by Christ and the virtuous Hidden 11th Imam, but only after they recombine as MegaMessenger to do final battle with the diabolical MechaJew.

But at the same time, make crusader attackings on countries; taking their lives and going into villages and homes and mosques to steal cherished family collections of IEDs?

Do not answer! This is a rhetorical question, and I am not finished.

At what price this crusade? Hundreds of billions of dollars spent from the treasury of one country, that could be used to fund totally underfunded muppet program on PBS. Also tens of thousands of young men and women – as occupation crusaders – put in harms way, go crazy with their hands stained with the blood of others, go to infidel M*A*S*H* for craziness problem, and comical villain doctor Frank Burns tries to stop BJ and Hawkeye from sending them back home to their grieving families.

Of course Saddam was a murderous dictator. Hey nobody is perfect. But the war was not waged to topple him, the announced goal of the war was to find and destroy weapons of mass destruction, but the unfound weapons of destruction that did not exist were never found, or destroyed. This is when the you said war was about "democracy" and started silencing dissident comical man Steven Colbert. NO BLOOD FOR OIL!

Mr President, You might know that I am a teacher, and former leader of Tehran NEA. My students ask me how can theses actions be reconciled with the values of Jesus Christ (PBUH), the Messenger of peace and forgiveness. They also ask me if this will be on the exam, and if they can self-flagellate for extra credit. It gets very annoying.

But anyhoo, there are prisoners in Guantanamo Bay that have not been tried, have no legal representation, no access to their families or cell phones or scimitars. Infidels splash pee pee on their Holy Q'urans. How would you like it if ungloved strangers splashed pee pee on the holy word of your God, hmm?? You would totally riot and go to UN Rights and Blasphemy Commission, and don't deny it man.

European investigators have confirmed the existence of secret prisons in Europe too, and also secret alien prisons in Roswell New Mexico. I fail to understand how secret prisons for followers of Allah and his Messenger (PBUH), be they terrestrial and extraterrestrial, correspond to the values of Jesus Christ (PBUH), liberal values, and carbon-based lifeform rights. Not to change the subject, but did the intergalactic Muslims mention how they face Mecca on their planets? That one's always stumped me.

Young people, university students and ordinary people also have many questions about the phenomenon of Israel. I am sure you are familiar with some of them. Questions like, "why does not this country 'Israel' appear on the old documents and globes, or new United Nations maps?" And, "can I take the makeup Israel quiz? It is pledge night at the Mahdi Martyr Mahdi house."

I tell them to study the history of WWI and II. One of my students told me that after WWII, the crafty Jews claimed that six million Jews had been killed, but it was part of a Jew scheme to Jew the life insurance company. This student totally busted the grade curve, and later scored a 1600 on his Paradise Admissions Test.

Again let us go crazy here and fantasize that these events are true. Does that logically translate into the establishment of the state of Israel in the Middle East, building their humiliating Jew pizza parlors right next to the faithful?

Mr President, I am sure you and your crafty neocon accountants know at what cost Israel was established:

- Many thousands were killed in the process.

- Millions of indigenous people were made refugees.

- Whiny tourist ladies from Miami with big sunglasses.

This tragedy has been ongoing for sixty years now.

Another big question asked by people is why is this regime being supported?

Another big question asked is: how many licks does this Zionist regime take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, which has been flavored with the blood of Palestinian infants? The answer is "three," because the Zionist will cheat and bite right into to the delicious blood filling.

The newly elected Palestinian administration recently took office, and is now ordering the needed office equipments such as copiers and Successories posters and national defense martyr belts. Unbelievefully, the Israel regime have put the elected government under pressure and not given it money for toner cartridges and rifle scopes.

Mr President, As you are well aware, I live amongst the people and am in constant contact with them -- many people from around the Middle East manage to contact me as well. Because of this constant people-contacting, I have learned that the people are angry. I have also learned to use anti-bacterial lotions before the contacting, but I will continue to be in people contact because I am basically a "people person."

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, the question thing. Sorry.

Why is it that any technological and scientific achievement reached in the Middle East regions is translated into and portrayed as a threat to the Zionist regime? It is an interesting question, but after the technological achievements wipe the Zionist regime off the map, it will be probably a moot question.

Mr President, Don’t Latin Americans have the right to ask, why their elected governments are being opposed and coup leaders supported? By the way, what ever happened to Ricky Martin? He seemed kind of big there for a while.

The people of Africa are hardworking, creative and talented. And, as we all know, very good dancers. Why do you oppose the rights of these talented dancing Africans, throughout Somalia, to put their talents to work in submission to their merciful Islamic owners?

The brave and faithful people of Iran too have many questions and grievances, including: the coup d’etat of 1953, whiny Embassy hostages who always complain of tight blindfolds, support for Saddam in the war waged against Iran, cut-rate outlets like Ikea destroying Persian rug business, increasing threats vis-à-vis the scientific and nuclear progress of the Iranian nation, and many other grievances that I are slipping my mind right now because I am trying to cut down on the caffeine.

Mr President, September Eleven was a horrendous incident, especially that classic "My Pet Goat" scene in Michael Moore's brilliant Oscar-nominated Farenheit 911. Reportedly your government employs extensive security, and has many top-notch airport agents wearing smart blue blazers and gray slacks. September eleven was not a simple operation. Could it be planned and executed without help of these intelligence and security services? Inside job, Mr President dude!!! Busted!!!

American citizen lived in constant fear of fresh attacks that could come at any moment and in any place. They felt insecure in the streets,and fret about relationships of Bennifer and Branjolena. Why was the media, instead of conveying peace of mind about Kevin and Brittney, giving rise to a feeling of insecurity?

Some believe insiders manipulated the Star and Enquirer to hype the way – and was the justification – for an attack on Afghanistan, and destroy the once-beautiful thing between Brad and Jennifer.

Will the truth not be lost in such a contrive and deceptive climate? Is Brittney really pregnant again?

As your Excellency is aware, in some states of your country, people are living in poverty. The facts are right there on DKos, Excellency-dude.

Many thousands are homeless and SuperDome Katrina flood-cannibalism is a huge problem. With these conditions in mind, why do you risk sinking Gallup polls over stupid Zionist regime?

Here are some other ideas questions I have been thinking about:

Did you know "RACE CAR" is the same spelled forwards and backwards? Sadly, this is not true in Farsi.

Do you like my beard? Be honest. I think it adds 10 years, so I have been seriously thinking about a trim.

The twin whore daughters of yours: do you suspect they might secretly have a thing for swarthy mature men?

The whole Jew race, I mean, how long is that bullcrap going to go on?

Mr President, I am just throwing it out there, and it is not my intention to harsh the international mellow. According to divine verses, we have all been called upon to follow the teachings of divine prophets:

"Ina godda davida baby, don't you know that I'm loving you"

“Ooo ee oo ah ah, wing bang walla walla bing bang"

“And in this ever-changing world in which we live in, makes you give up and cry, LIVE AND LET DIE"

The day will come when all humans will congregate before the court of the Almighty, so that their deeds are examined. I have talked it over with the top theological experts, and believe me Mr President dude you do not want to have Jew-helping on your divine resume.

This day of Judgment is coming soon, as has been revealed to me by the divine voice of invisible spirit of the Hidden Imam #11-B, whose earthly appearance will herald the glorious annihilation of this impure world of lust and debauchery and ungodliness as Allah casts the unbelievers into the eternal sea of agony.

Here are a couple other quick Hidden Imam factoids: his name is Chuck and he really enjoys Raisinettes.

Instead of your current course, Mr President, do you not think you should join us in making the way for peace, friendship and the hidden Imam? There will be many pleasures in the rapidly-approaching world to come, which you too can enjoy - sexy doe-eyed virgins, raisins, dates, Raisinettes, Date-ettes, free Cinemax.

So please give me a call. Together we can kill us all, and let God sort us out.

PoliPundit"nobody – and I mean nobody, in the confines of Al Gore’s greatest invention, the Internet, can slice, dice and julienne a huge chunk of pure snark into so many little jagged pieces like he can"

Charles Murray, The American Enterprise Institute"Out of nowhere—at least I’d never heard of him—comes a posting by one David Burge on his blog, Iowahawk, in which he tore Krugman’s numbers apart. I don’t mean he found some soft spots. I’m talking evisceration. The post has been flying around cyberspace and has a attracted a lot of flak to which Burge has now responded. I recommend both posts as tours de force on two levels. First, they are saturated with the best kind of Internet irreverence and humor—sophomoric occasionally, lmao funny more often. Second, the guy is a hell of an applied statistician. It’s wonderful: Paul Krugman’s got his mile-high New York Times platform, Burge has an obscure blog. And yet, in the world of the Internet, he can take Krugman down and end up letting a whole lot of people know he’s done it."

Hugh Hewitt"For a lesson on how to argue a complex case in the face of MSM stupidity and/or bias --answer with facts, repittion and careful writing laced with laughs-- read the tutorial prepared by Iowahawk... This is how it is done. Airlift Iowahawk to the Speaker's office."

The Lunatic's Asylum"IowaHawk is God. If you're STILL not reading IowaHawk regularly, then you, Sir or Madame, are a dipshit. One that should be taken out and sterilized with the rustiest of farm implements, so that you may not pollute the gene pool with future generations of little dipshits."

Bookworm Room"Every time I read one of Iowahawk’s satires, I think to myself, 'This is it. He cannot get better than this.' And every time I am wrong, as Iowahawk, over and over, publishes something new that is even funnier than his last outing... In a perfect world, Iowahawk would be one of the most recognized comic satirists in America."

Fausta Wertz"the dance floor started to open and exposed a vast deep pool filled with man-eating sharks. The crowd panicked as a couple fell into the waters and the sharks feasted on them. Without missing a step or loosening his embrace, he led me to the entrance and with a swift move managed to both hit the switch that closed the shark pit and concluded the final dance step. He then said, 'It’s late. I must go tend to my blog.'"

Dan Collins, Protein Wisdom"He is Iowahawk of Typepad
Master of the sparkling send-up
When he posts, then douchebags tremble
Realizing they’ve been skewered
And with no recourse to match him:
Mighty Burge, the Iowahawk”

Amused Cynic"perhaps the best-written, cleverest “F*** You” salute that I have ever seen administered ... I am hereby delivering a James Thurber salute to you, Dave, and popping the top on a 16 oz. can of PBR in your direction"

Daniel Ruwe, Right Minds"The funniest person on the Internet. Every one of his posts makes me laugh out loud. Literally incredibly funny. You have to experience him to appreciate him"

Elizabeth Crum"For an idea of what I find brilliant and loveable in terms of sarcasm, satire and the like, see Iowahawk. He is one of our great modern-day scribes: smart, scathing, derisive, outrageous, and funny like few can be"

Jesse Macbeth"I'd like to take the time to address some of the stuff that I read on the Internet written about me... I got to tell you some of the stuff I saw was really funny. One of my favorites ones was actually the Power Rangers one, that was kind of cool."

Jools Krittindan"Then there’s Iowahawk. I don’t even know what he does for a living, something in Iowa, I guess. Yeah, society would function fine without him. It would just suck more. He gets an estate all his own: Iowahawk, the Sixth Estate."

Cherry River Blog"Yes, this is a crude attempt to gain entrance to IH's hallowed blogroll, and maybe even a blurb-out listing, but I still stand in awe of the capaciousness of mind that Mr. Burge has demonstrated to a barely worthy Web world"

Jules Crittenden"I have received no remuneration or consideration of any kind for this shameless fawning boosterism and free advertising. Nor do I require any. To have been in some small way associated with the global Iowahawk phenomenon is more than most of us can aspire to in our miserable, inconsequential little lives. To bask in its electronic glow is to sense the existence of immortality."

Hot Flashes"The man I’d most likely invite to my bedroom in another life"

Jim Henshaw"Neo-cons may not be as humorless as I thought, as this essay from Conservative blogger Iowahawk will attest. Even if you hate his politics, this is funny stuff"

Dave Bender, Israel at Level Ground (Israel)"Iowahawk is in the side of the wrong business, not to mention residing on the wrong landmass; he needs to get over here quick and start pumping out copy for the major news agencies"

Jules Crittendon, Boston Herald"Iowahawk’s wild, unkempt observations may look like they’ve spent the last three days sleeping under a bridge, and be frightening and smelly up close, but they are conduits of fundamental, irrefutable truth. Much like the drunk who accosts you on a streetcorner and unabashedly proclaims, 'I need money for a bottle of Cossack.'"

Twisted Spinster"Iowahawk sticks the knife in so nicely that you don’t even feel it until everything starts to go dark and fuzzy"

Bill Whittle, National Review"My friend Iowahawk writes some of the most brilliant satire I have ever read. He likes to come across as a beer-swilling gearhead — because he is — but look at this ... simply so that I may bask in its reflected glory"

Rush Limbaugh"I've gotta share with you one of the funniest things I have ever read. It is by the blogger Iowahawk. It is one of the sharpest, most cutting, brilliant satires on these pseudo-intellectual conservatives... I've heard of Iowahawk. I don't know what his leanings are, probably lib, I don't know, doesn't matter. This whole thing is just wonderful, it is just hilarious."

Quid Nimis"I think the reason I don't do Iowa Hawk everyday is the same reason I don't eat ice cream everyday: it's too good. That and the fact that I would have to leave my husband and stalk Dave Burge"

Tim Blair, Sydney Telegraph (Australia)"As Sandy Roberts says: 'When you think of Bhutan, you think of archery.' And when you think of Vettes, Ferraris and Hemi-powered rods, you think of Iowahawk and his LA-bound nitroclan"

Joseph Bottum, First Things"I’m on the board of a literary magazine at a small state university, and, at the board’s meeting this spring, the editor mentioned that he had wanted to reprint the blogger Iowahawk’s hilarious swipe at the archbishop of Canterbury... Unfortunately, the editor said, the magazine couldn’t do reprint it. The legal adviser from the university’s administration had said no—not on the grounds that it was offensive to Anglicans and their archbishop, but on the grounds that it mentioned Islam, and the school could receive bomb threats as a result of publishing it."

Lone Star Times"Between cleaning carburetors and restoring classic American cars, Burge churns out some of the funniest and decisively deadly wit and commentary on the web... Write the Pulitzer Committee and demand Iowahawk should win"

Roger Kimball, Pajamas Media"inspired … I was going to say 'parody,' but really it is far too close to the original to be called a parody. Really, it is like the play Hamlet stages to 'catch the conscience of the King,' a dramatic re-enactment of the very crime Claudius had committed but had yet to acknowledge. It worked for Hamlet; will Iowahawk’s performance work for the rest of us? It is too early to tell. But ... it is more truthful, and far more amusing, than anything you’ll read in the [New York] Times."

Paul Kedrosky, Infectious Greed"I really don't know how best to summarize IowaHawk's you-are-there white-trash treatise... If you crossed Hunter Thompson and Michael Lewis, you might get something this angry and bizarre"

The McMuffins (UK)"Iowahawk and his lovely wife... did not appear to be the psychopathic stalking killers we had been warned about, although that Iowahawk did have a murderous look in his eyes and an unusual amount of froth coming from his mouth"

Blacklake (Hot Air Comments)"I’d say Iowahawk was a genius, but geniuses aren’t generally very clever. Plus, studies have shown that nine out of ten have no idea how to clean a carb. So, statistically speaking, his geniushood is unlikely."

Rand Simberg (Transterrestrial Musings)"Next time Iowahawk beats up on you, just take it. If you try to fight back, it only gets worse. It's like one of those monsters that, the harder you fight it, the stronger it gets, because it actually feeds on your pathetic swats."

Blog Québécois"If Iowahawk ever decides to turn his guns on you, accept your beating with good grace and a rueful chuckle. If you try to fight back, it only gets funnier."

Roger Kimball (The New Criterion)"The excellent weblog IowaHawk summarized some of the thoughts I had... I must also laud David Burge of IowaHawk for his gritty pragmatism. He is no armchair crusader, full of empty imprecations."

Bill Whittle"I've met him, you know -- Iowahawk. 6'7" he is, arms like mighty oak trees, legs like even mightier oak trees: clear grey eyes looking to the far horizon, his lantern jaw set against the approaching storm but yet with a slight hint of a distant smile bourne of many combats won and mortal enemies vanquished.
I stood speechless in his presence at a restaurant in Marina del Rey --- just speechless, weeping silently at the sheer magnetism and force of personality coming off the man in seismic waves; a transcendental, religious experience that kept me awake for a week, as if I had seen the heavens split open in a blaze of orange and purple glory, and all of God's Great Plan revealed.
And when he finally did speak, it was the sound of distant thunder echoing off ancient mountains, a sound that predates mankind's puny schreeching -- a sound that, indeed, is antecedent to the founding of Life on Earth and comes carried through the ether on the shock wave of ancient dying stars. And though he only spoke twelve words during the four hours I stood in his presence, those words are with me still, a perfect dozen seared into my memory, written in gold across the great hall of my mind.
He said, 'HEY, CAN YOU GET THIS ONE? I LEFT MY WALLET AT HOME.'"

Spongeworthy"But no shit, Iowahawk might get up tomorrow, get baked, grab his beautiful wife and ride his moped backwards to a Hells Angel rally, then drink himself into oblivion and fight about 7 crank dealers from the Racine chapter of the Death Jokers all by himself.
Then maybe he'd go home, romance the beautiful wife, build a perfect retro treehouse for his perfect kids, drink a bottle of tequila, prepare a 3-course meal while beating away a push-in home invader and sacrificing him on a makeshift, though historically accurate, Inca altar he built in the woods behind the railroad tracks.
Then he'd sit down and knock out a tremedously insulting Leftist parody that pissed off thread after thread of Kos and DU lunatics, romance the bride once again and fall asleep chuckling.
It's like he's Paul Bunyan and Mark Twain rolled up into one hipster"