Friday, June 8, 2007

Any moment now, Paris Hilton will be pleading her case to a judge. I will not be here to cover it, as I will be on my way to Nashville for the weekend! My suggestion to Paris: have you tried the "It wasn't me" defense, popularized by none other than Shaggy? I've left you with a karaoke version of the song, I suggest you sing this to the judge. He will be sure to put you back in the slammer then! Have a great weekend everyone! And an apology in advance to the city of Nashville. I'm sorry that I spewed in the Piney River. It wasn't me?

Um...guys? I think we've been invaded. We just have to decide if she is a real-life "We come in peace" type of alien, or just one of those pesky illegal types that come here to steal our jobs. It's a good thing we have blank or not-a-blank every week to guide us through these tough times. Who knows what the outcome of today's debate will be. All I know is, if Posh is an alien, I get to break the sad, sad news to David. And I plan on breaking it to him in the form of a blow job. We're on an express elevator to hell - going down! It's blank or not-a-blank!

Victoria Beckham's head is shaped like an alien:But I don't know if this necessarily makes her an alien. I mean, both Rumer Willis and the coach of the Cavaliers have heads that are shaped like potatoes, but I'm not about to bite either of them to see if they taste like a french fry. Not-An-Alien

This outfit proves that Victoria Beckham is, in fact, an alien. Only an alien would think that a hot pink bra looks good under a zebra print dress. A human would have realized right away that a sequined bra was the way to go. Either that, or she's one of them fancy shape-shifting aliens, and she was in the process of morphing into a full fledged slutty zebra. A slutty zebra waitin' for a fight. Whichever it is, I don't trust her. Alien

Do aliens have vaginas? I'm just asking, because I know that Posh has got some kids. Maybe she secretly adopted them. Because I don't think aliens have vaginas. Aren't they all smooth down there like a barbie doll? Or am I confusing them with angels? I don't know. What I do know is that babies hate aliens. So based on this, I say we give one more point to Team Alien. Alien

The gays (headed up by our The Gay) love this bitch. The Gay attempted to show us a softer side of Vicky in that post, and I'd like to think that even though the gays that love her are really just hypnotized by her size 00, her millions, her ultra-hot husband, her never ending supply of clothing provided by only the fanciest of designers - that they could spot an Alien among us if need be. An exclusive source has revealed to me that the ever elusive gaydar also works on aliens. Not-An-Alien

Victoria Beckham was in the Spice Girls. While rumors are currently swirling about a possible reunion of the girl group, I'm not so sure if I want that to happen. The lyrics to "Wanna Be" eloquently state "I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha". I've consulted another famous alien to discover the true meaning of the phrase "zigazig ha" in the almost undecipherable language de aliens. He told me that "zigazig ha" actually means "I'm going to come to earth, start a girl group, break up the girl group, marry the world's hottest man, have millions, get the girl group back together,..." and here's where it gets really fucked up "...make a sex tape with my hot husband in which i will swiftly bite off his penis, at that point I will reveal my true form as a shape-changing alien to the world. I will become your queen." Whoa. That shit is scary. And that is why the Spice Girls cannot get back together. Alien

I think it's pretty clear. Her head shape is merely a coincidence, but a deeper and thorough investigation has shown that Victoria Beckham is, in fact, an alien. Gays, you've steered me wrong AGAIN! Unless I missed some crucial evidence proving otherwise. Got any facts you'd like to share? Leave them in the comments! As always, feel free to send your suggestions for next weeks blank or not-a-blank to twogirlsplusgay@gmail.com!

Last night Kanye West celebrated his 30th birthday in NYC which somehow caused a series of tornadoes in Wisconsin. Don't ask how this happened. When Kanye does something, he makes history, man. The state of Wisconsin is still debating whether or not to press charges against the hip hop star. The future father of my halfrican children was there:

Mariah Carey emerged from her cave built of twinkies and rainbows to attend the gala:

...And we're laughing! What fun! Kanye sure can throw a party! The fun is almost to much to handle! I think Jermaine Dupri's giant bald head may explode! Someone get Janet over here quick!

I think Rihanna looks way better now that she's covered up her ridiculously large forehead with bangs, but pictures like this really show how many inches of bang were required to hide the forehead that would put Tyra Banks to shame.

Imagine I'm saying all of this in the most boring and unintelligible voice possible, as that is how I feel about this entire situation. Here, to give you a frame of reference, please watch the trailer for The Ten. I am telling you this story in the same dialect that is used to list the actors names at the end:

Paris Hilton may be going back to jail. I also may take flight at any moment. My puppy might learn english and serenade me each night to the tune of "Let's Stay Together". I would like that last scenario the best. TMZ reports that the judge presiding over Hilton-gate 2K7 is straight up pissed and has ordered Paris to return to court at 9am (PDT) today to determine whether or not she'll be heading back to jail. Since she was released due to nearly suffering from a fake nervous breakdown, I hope to see her stroll into the courtroom wearing pants on her head and whistling dixie. Play up the crazy! That way, when you don't get sent back to jail, we can channel our anger about the justice system into judgement upon you. Try throwing us a bone instead of sucking on one, Paris. Boner jokes!

Thursday, June 7, 2007

It's no surprise that Prince is surrounded by a flock of female companions at all times. You may look at Prince and think, "You know, metrosexual, skinny, short men with a row of diamonds in their ear really don't do it for me", but when it came down to it if Prince approached you, you would be physically unable to resist him. Scientific studies have been done to prove this. That is, if you call me dumping sand back and forth between two test tubes and then shouting "Eureka!" a study. Prince is definitely the type that believes in making out once, and then tossing his current beauties aside in order to move on to the next borderline crazy, highly sexualized bitch that will be his new number one ho until he tires of her. Rinse. Repeat.

In honor of the day that baby jesus sent Prince down the slide from heaven, and graced us with the glory of the Purple One, we at TGG thought we would do a retrospective of Prince's former bitches. This is by no means an exhaustive list, as Prince had ho's in different area codes that we can't even begin to track down. Just think of it as a fun thing to distract you from the "Paris Hilton was released from jail because of her herpes and/or depression" news. Here we go (in no particular order)!

Sheena Easton

Sheena Easton started out as a nice, quiet adult contemporary artist. Then Prince presumably grabbed her by both labias and shook her into the sexed-up starlet that we see here:

I'm glad he did that, because this is one of my favorite Prince songs, solely because of the line "Your love is good, let's get to rammin'" which is a line that I like to use to pick up middle school boys at their bus stops. So what is Sheena doing now? Well if you went to the Utah Pride Festival last weekend, you saw her perform! Other than that, some of her albums that were only available overseas are finally getting their stateside release, and she's doing some theater. BOR-RING. Sheena Easton Fan Site.

Vanity:

The woman who got her name because Prince said he saw his female reflection when he looked at her, the woman who brought us this:

Has found Jesus. Apparently I was visitor number 1 to her website. I'm a little pissed off about this "finding jesus" crap. If anyone else wants to do that, fine - go right ahead. But if Prince hand picks you because you remind him of himself, I'd say it is your duty to honor your Prince given name for the remainder of time. If you want to know the story of "Denise" finding the lord, go ahead and be visitor #2 to her website. You'll be treated to a nice rendition of "What Child is This". I preferred "Nasty Girl".

Apollonia:

This is the bitch that picked up where Vanity left off. It was her ass that jumped naked into what she later found out was not Lake Minnetonka in Purple Rain. Her wiki page states that she can "often be seen on film premieres and media events in California", so it's clear that she's doing quite well for herself. If you go to her fan site you can hear a loop of her song "Red Light Romeo" and some pictures in which it looks like a dog may have attacked her in the face. Needless to say, I don't really recommend going to the website.

Sinead O'Connor:

Not really a woman who held the prestigious title of "One of Prince's Bitches", Sinead was just in The Scoop today (final item) recounting a story about her and Prince. According to her, Prince invited her to his house because he was upset with her cover of his song "Nothing Compares 2 U". He swore at her and she spat on him. Bitch spat on Prince??? I don't care where she is now.

Wendy & Lisa:

Wendy & Lisa may be Prince ho's, but they are serious musicians too! Probably because Prince's semen is made of musical dwarves who have impregnated them both with the gift of soundtrack gold. They've worked on scores for movies & television, including everyone's favorite t.v. show Heroes! I'm hoping they still possess the uncanny ability to simultaneously play the keyboard as one.

And I think that about does it for now. I know, I KNOW! What about all the other hos? Sheila E, Carmen Electra, Beyonce, Kirstie Alley, Kim Basinger, the list goes on and on people. I can't cover all his bitches! Don't be greedy!!! To my sweet Prince. I'm glad you boned so many sweet, sweet ladies. Can I get nexties?

A 21-year-old man somehow got his wheelchair attached to the front of a semi-truck. He was in the wheelchair. The semi-truck then drove off with the man attached to the front of his truck. The truck reached speeds upwards of 50 mph.

"It was quite a ride," the man reportedly told police.

"The man spilled his soda pop, but he wasn't upset," Sgt. Kathy Morton of the Michigan State Police said.

Look! LOOK! It's Jayden James! More importantly, Sean Preston has a serious wedgie. I feel for that. I'm guessing that the swimsuit has crawled all up in there and by now has reached the inner workings of his poor little baby intestines and has made itself a home there. Inappropriate? Maybe. True? Definitely. That nanny/friend/cousin whoever she is should be fired and SP should be taken to a hospital. That's child abuse!

The purple one and I had a conversation the other day about Akon and his troubles. It appears that the teen that he tossed into the audience at a recent concert's identity has been discovered, but not yet released. Akon doesn't seem to think he did anything wrong. I would agree if he would have taken my advice and grinded the kid instead of picking him up and hurling him into an unprepared crowd. As the purple one says, "I grind all the live long day". As do I, Prince. As. Do. I.

I'm telling y'all - this ho is pregnant. When the news finally does come out, just remember who wildly speculated first! If they have a girl, I think they should name her "Dirtay Girl #1 Jr." and if it's a boy, the should name him "The 'lil troll that could" after his father, of course! Hey, he may be gross, but there's no doubting the fact that he can gett her off. How else would you explain their relationship?

TMZ is reporting that Paris Hilton has been released from jail after only serving 3 DAYS of her sentence. I hope she was at least raped especially hard during those three days. I must say that this bitch is spinning this jail thing better than she spun her sex tape. Brace yourselves for the onslaught of Paris Hilton news, as I'm sure she'll be doing countless interviews talking about how hard those 3 days were. Wow, I haven't felt this shitty since Tom Jones covered Purple Rain:

You know what, though? This is not your day, Paris! This is Prince's day! We'll try our darndest to keep the Paris bullshit to a minimum around these parts...

The purple one turns 49 today! We'll be celebrating all day long with Prince videos, Prince themed posts, and Prince pictures...so keep checking back!

Nicole Richie was on Letterman last night. Prince, how do you feel about that?

Yeah, me too. If you want to hear her talking about Paris, the possibility of her going to jail, Lindsay Lohan and the trouble with young hollywood, go here to watch the highlights from the interview. Unfortunately, the best part of the interview is not included in the highlights. At the end of the interview, David Letterman asked her to eat a big dinner. Hilarity ensued (for me anyway). Hilarity will most definitely ensue tonight when Amy Sedaris is on the Late Show. Amy Sedaris on David Letterman is almost my favorite thing in the world, second only to fancy chocolates and deranged animals...which I guess would make it my third favorite thing? I don't know. I have cleared my mind of all knowledge of pesky numbers, aside from 3121 of course. Check out this clip (click here for part 2) and then tune in tonight!

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Ashton Kutcher almost got his karma for what hes done to all those poor saps he's Punk'd over the years. Bruce Willis reportedly admitted to Playboy that he wasn't always too thrilled about his ex-wife boning a 20 something year old who, were it not for his kosher beard, could easily be confused for a 12 year old with some of his antics. Lucky for Ashton, Bruce Willis happens to know Will Smith.

You no longer have to constantly look over your shoulder in fear Ashton, as you appear to be doing here:

Sometime after Will spoke to Bruce regarding his wanting to rip Ashton limb from limb, Bruce apparently had a change of heart and decided to let the yoga lovin' prankster Live Free. Thousands of preteen girls are crying tears of joy at the sound of this news. Bruce not only thanked Will for his helpful words, but also thanked him for making such great movies. Hitch comes to mind for me in recent years. Bruce also really liked the fact that when you put both of their last names together, it makes 'Willis Smith', and to him that's pretty cool.

But while Smith is quite the outstanding citizen and role model for us all, let us not forget who helped him become the whitest black guy in Hollywood.

Uncle Phil, thank goodness they didn't replace you with an entirely different actor like they did to Aunt Viv. We'd all be lost without you. Were it not for you constantly setting an example of befriending all the whites, who knows what damage could have been done to Ashton Kutcher? Thank you, Uncle Phil, thank you.

Toni Braxton's boobs went to a party last night. I'm pretty sure they couldn't breathe the entire time. I think she promised them that they would never breathe again. If I had boobs like that, I'd smash them in a corset in order to maximize cleavage too. Unfortunately for me, I was literally born without boobs. What's even more unfortunate is that I never got them once I hit puberty either. I've since had to duck tape two old popples to my chest, which is why I refer to my "girls" as "furry pink and purple" - which, contrary to popular belief, was not a reference to my non-existent nipples. Wow! Confessions are fun! Almost as fun as watching old Toni Braxton videos:

We knew it all along, Enrique is a big MO. First off, he uses his talentless girlfriend as a marketing tool to touch the hearts of the single fat girls that buy his cd and pretends that he warbles to them. So OBVS he and Kournikova are still together but only pretend because as you can see they are about to enjoy the jovial dance of a MALE stripper.

For some reason, R. Kelly decided to disable embedding videos from my new favorite thing on You Tube, R. Kelly TV. I even added a new random feature to the blog because I loved R. Kelly TV so much! Even though he has made it increasingly difficult to cover R. Kelly TV, I'd like to point you to the latest clip, in which R. Kelly talks about "How He Writes His Music" and which I've also transcribed for you:

"Writing music every day, all day...I'm writin' right now. It's not a sit down and like...come up with something for me no more. Life is a song and I've realized that. I got a leash on it now and I know how to walk it. It's like, I am music and wherever I go music is being written, even if I haven't heard the melody yet. It's almost like just sayin', you know, why wouldn't I want the ball to shoot the last shot, you know what I'm sayin', if I know I already made it. And that's pretty much what my mentality is when it comes to what I do. Music. You know what I'm sayin'?"

Um...no, actually. I have no idea what you are saying, R. Kelly. But that is why I love you. That, and the fact that you send out press releases for your new single featuring Usher that read like this:

Once in a lifetime do two mega stars come together. Rarely do such people put aside difference and ego and show the bravery and confidence needed to do something together. And when it happens the people stop, listen and watch. For a moment the world stops and the fans love every moment of it.

Very Short List brings us a pretty cool music video from a British band I've never heard of called Fujiya & Miyagi. If you liked the video for Fell in Love with a Girl but didn't like knowing that the disgustingness that is Jack White lurked beneath those Legos, give this one a shot. I can't tell you what the guys in this band look like, only because I'm too lazy to care, but the band name does bring to mind a certain someone who once represented all that was right and good in the world (in the '80s):

Holy Lord, y'all! Summer 2K7 is gonna be off the chain! With all of the new, great trends going on we are all going to look so fucking hot...as long as we continue mirroring our wardrobe after the hotttest celebrities, like Brooke Hogan. I was wondering how to "summerize" my wardrobe, and now I know. Simply cut all of my jeans into chaps! They're not just for the gays anymore!!! I'm going to combine this with all of the summer trends (the white sunglasses, fake mustaches, and the mom jeans that will now be converted to "Mom Chaps") and wear them all at once. I'm pretty sure that I will look so hot that I won't even be able to walk down the street without being raped at least six times. Thank you, Brooke Hogan, for completing my summer look.

A) They boned me in the Limo on the way over to the Ocean's 13 premiere. And it was fantastic.

B) They have finally managed to escape the international terrorism they face on a daily basis, which comes in the form of their 4 children (Don't forget that Shiloh is African, hence part of the anti-Brangelina plot).

OR is she simply wildly insecure about her overly petite frame? Don't ask me why I've noticed that she's been covering up her belly lately. Perhaps I am surprised that I haven't seen a part of her body that she is usually so comfortable with showing off. Or maybe I simply have no choice but to look at her, as her orange glow pulls me in like some sort of cancerous tractor beam. Either way, this girl has been resisting the urge to slut it up to the extreme these days, and it's getting me a little worried. Has she gained 5 lbs topping her weight off at a cool 103 lbs, thus making her join the ranks of the fatties? Or does she have a little slutty bun in the oven, courtesy of her unfortunate choice in a husband? Let's have a closer look at Xtina over the past couple days, and you decide!

I know we all like to wear cargo pants and heavy jackets in the summer, so this may not be the best example.

Is that a baby bump I see??? Oh wait...that's her boob.

The best side shot I could find is above. She doesn't look preggo, but you know how those malnourished types have a tendency to only gain a maximum of 10 lbs during their entire pregnancy. And I firmly believe that the only thing that could curb Christina's slutty side would be that a parasite has decided to take form inside of her uterus. I'm going with pregnant! Congratulations Xtina & strange looking man! Let the internet rumors begin!!

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Lady in the Middle: Hey! Hey you! Do you wanna see some fucked up shit? I'm gonna pull this little string on the Olsen Twins' back, and they are going to smile! And it's going to make you feel very uncomfortable, and a little weird. Are you ready?

*pull*

That's messed up. In other news: Fart, Snore, Cough...It's a slow news day. Here are a couple jams to get you through the rest of the day. I'm gonna take a nap:

Please note that all members of Journey are wearing dangerously high waisted pants in the video above. That is all.

Woot, Woot, pull over that ass is too fat. I do feel Kim Kardashian is one hot piece of ass. Her ass actually makes me want to puke. I mean, even her LV bag can't take away from dat ass. Jesus Christ on a MFin' Cross.

Oh no. Beyonce, no you did not just bust out a single tear on stage while wearing giant angel wings. The single tear is one of my favorite ways of making a statement without saying a word. I don't know if Beyonce really pulls it off though. Click here to see a video of the single tear being produced. What's your verdict? Can Beyonce convince you with a single tear? Before you answer, let's have a look at some of the greatest single tears in history:

Where it all began, The Crying Indian:

The only time a single tear has been truly sad, Denzel Washington in Glory:

Man, Beyonce has some nerve busting out the single tear when you think of all those who have come before her. How do you feel about Beyonce's single tear? Are there any great single tear moments that I'm missing? Did you shed a single tear reading this post? I know I did. Let me know how you really feel, in the comments!

Brad Pitt, you need to get control of your wife. Step 1: Stop letting her go to orphanages. When she's saying she's just going to go "check it out", it really means she's coming home with yet another baby. Yes, rumor has it that Brangelina will be adopting another child, this time from the Czech Republic where Angelina Jolie has been filming her latest movie. This news is coming right on the heels of a recent interview that Jolie gave to Marie Claire in which she said that she and Brad don't have enough time together:

"Everybody needs individual time. Shiloh has our attention when the others are at school. Mad [her son Maddox] stays up the latest, so he gets the nighttime. During the day, I'll go for a walk or do something specific with Pax or Z [Zahara] . . . We're working on it; we're working on it. Right now, we're not great about Mommy-and-Daddy time."

What better way to "work on it" than to adopt another one. Just to let you know, that offer to adopt me is still on the table. If you really have it in your heart to adopt a Czech, guess what! I'm part Czech! It will work out perfectly! I will gladly join the international army that you are building and we will take over the world in 2026. Either that, or the stress of all the billion babies Angelina has will be too much for her, forcing her to regress back to good ol' druggy Angie. You will be really glad you chose me then, because I can help you put drugs in the kids' bug juice & switch the babies diets from formula to wine. Whichever scenario pans out, I will be a great asset. Until you choose to adopt me, maybe you should cool out on the Whitney Houston. Children may, in fact, be our future - but that doesn't mean you need to adopt all of them.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Crunk & Disorderly is reporting that Tony Thompson of the group Hi-Five died on Friday at the age of 31. The cause was an apparent drug overdose. This is sad as I always loved to rollerskate to these jams as a wee-Girl #1. I'm busting out my Hi-Five cassette when I get home.

Uh oh! Looks like someone told Nicole Richie about our little comparison between her & Tammy Faye because Nicole is working harder than ever on her fitness, going for a hike on Mount Insanity sometime this past weekend. It's a good thing too, because she was looking really fat lately. As Team Richie surges to the finish, one can only wonder...Will Team T.Faye's God given disease beat out Nicole's self inflicted one?

Akon is really tough, man. If you're a lady he's gonna dry hump the ever loving crap out of you until you are nothing but a jumbled up pile of 14-year-old flesh covered only by a red swimsuit shirt. If you're a dude, he's gonna pluck your ass from the audience and then toss you back into the crowd like a ragdoll. Honestly, I was hoping he was gonna dry hump the guy as soon as he started taking his shirt off. That would have been a much better punishment, in fact, Akon should grind whoever is upsetting him at any given moment. Stuck in traffic? Get out of the car, pull the person out of the car in front of you and show them the sweet vengeance of a Grind by Akon™. Album didn't sell as many copies as you'd like? Go to your nearest Tower Records and pretend to R everyone there until they buy at least 3 copies of your album. I think I'm going to adopt this method myself.