leaving the past, live authentically today

Month: February 2016

Like the sands through the hour glass….I sit this morning and hear the clock ticking in the hall. I sit on my bed laptop on lap…reading, contemplating. I was enjoying the peace until some twat burned down the road in his …yes…a Holden Commodore…souped up..and disturbed my inner peace which lately has been hanging by a thread anyway…and my eardrums. It is only 0930am and this idiot and his phallic rev has managed to annoy me.

I am annoyed alot lately, annoyed alot and I cry alot.

Only the other day I was at the Doctor, finally back at my regular Doctor whom I quite respected, because I could finally afford her. After a half hour visit about a few health issues and an $145 bill I came out of there with the obligatory 3 prescriptions of which only one I filled and I still have not taken the meds yet.

She has decided that since she could not cajole me into taking antidepressants again the only option for my physical and mental state was to take Hormone replacement therapy and she also threw in a script for a sedative and then an antibiotic for a lung issue I thought had cleared but apparently hasn’t after 2 lots of antibiotic anyway. I filled the antibiotic but I haven’t taken it. And there is no way I will fill the script for sedative and HRT until I am really sure it is a road I need to go down. I want to know the side effects; there is always a risk/reward ratio and if there simply is no other way to deal with everything that has been battering my troubled mind lately.

Exercise worked exceptionally well up until recently when I have not been able to get to the gym because of work…long hours and long commute which seems at present to make it impossible to get there and I am very annoyed at that because I know it would help some. I am going to go today a bit later.

I already tried to resign from my new job twice last week. 5 weeks in and the stress was mounting, the ridiculous hours; unpaid, underpaid and overlooked. Rude and unreasonable clientele and I did not want to be back in a bad situation again…after everything life is too short to be a battery hen. But they have managed to talk me out of it for now; god knows why and I will persist a while longer because at this point the alternative…no work is also untenable..but it is a horrible feeling waking up with a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach knowing what the day has in store for you and not wanting to go there but having to.

I was ready, prepared to fire on all cylinders so I thought. But issues like my ailing degenerative son and other things that I have mentioned before compounded by a job that is relentless have pushed me about as far I can go at this point. But I am sick of feeling this way and this weekend I have tried to do things that are enjoyable and relaxing, extra sleep because at present I do not sleep well and staying connected with people who are decent, and compassionate and I can talk to.

My yank; mark 2 has been a godsend. We are still just having friendly conversations but it is daily now. And they are fun and without pressure or expectation and light. We seem to have alot of common ground. He is cultured, witty, intelligent and appears to be quite sane as opposed to version 1!

He was telling me that he is going to an Oscar’s party Sunday night in Chicago..he hangs out with the bohemian arty types as he is also very creative and has been involved in some interesting projects and things and I envied that in wonderful places like Chicago, and the the states you can do those things; the people, the venues, the events the options….ah yes, options…

Perth is limited that way. As much as this is a beautiful city and things are improving it still has a hell of a way to go. Cue crickets and prickly bushes….and nothing…

It is not surprising that many who live here and are able to high tail it out of the country at every chance they get! Many Perthites go to Bali, it is cheap, cheaper than here and many feel at home there. It is enough of a cultural experience for the uncultured…

I am perhaps exaggerating a tad but I have never felt the spirit in this city as I have many others like Sydney and particularly in the states. But I don’t think may places can beat our beaches, that I will say.

Every time I think about my options at present I drift away to the things I want to do knowing that it is impossible right now. I may take a trip to the states later this year as I have discussed with my friend. And also one of my dear friends is leaving Perth for good soon and moving with her husband to Seattle in the US and I so envy her and I am going to miss her. So I will kill 2 birds on that visit and it at least gives me a little something to look forward to.

But in the meantime…the mire…to medicate or not to medicate…I fought so hard to do without and have done so for over 18 months now. I really do not want to go there…even HRT. But I really wish someone could give me some good reliable advice on it…

Ultimately…I guess I will go with my gut. That thing I did not trust for so long but more recently started to pay attention to…we’ll see

Love and whitelight xxx

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Part of me did not want to write today, well earlier. Then I wrote an email to my new ‘penfriend’ (old expression pertaining to the marvelous days when a well written letter in handwriting was the way we communicated…aside from the telephone or making visits). I wrote quite a long email after he had sent a short message to say I am still thinking of you and I am about to do my last work shift for the week and then I will make the time to write more.

He is a truck driver in the good old US of A. Chicago, whom I have just started communicating with. We met through a dating website we are both on and we both equally love our respective countries (he loves and has a brother in Sydney whom he misses greatly and I love Sydney and envisage that eventually it will be where I will settle but also visiting regularly or maybe even living in the United States which I also love and I did really like Chicago when I was there…but that is getting a bit ahead of myself….sooo) and are both looking outside of them to meet someone to share a life with perhaps…eventually and if meant to be. I have been sadly disappointed with Australian men, particularly of Italian descent of whom I seemed to somehow date a number of…:( and I know one should never generalise but f..k it, its my blog and I will say what I want! Although the narc that devastated my heart was a Yank…but somehow that doesn’t count!

Now I am not a “what do you do?” snob of a person unlike many. I appreciate that we are more than just what we do as a job but I remember when in our first emails he wrote to tell me what he did he put a kind of secretly veiled apology into it which I found a little sad because he thought that it may make a difference that he was not some high powered Cisco executive or something (!! I know some will get the reference to this!)?! He did say that he had come to this position after a number of other careers and had realised that it was at least a solid days work and he could live with and he enjoyed it which I also admired.

I really don’t care what you do. It is who you are as a person, how you are with others and what is inside that counts. When I was younger it mattered a bit more I am sad to say. But now that life’s boulders have rolled over me consistently and I have risen…a tad battered and bruised yet slightly more enlightened it matters not one jot.

I am back doing work I never thought I would return to, I had come to hate it truth be told, albeit grateful for the work but once again it has already been revealed that even though I knew I was walking into a slightly chaotic environment I never really realised just how much so and part of me resents the fact that what I thought was going to be a wonderful challenge is just at this time purely a stressful means to an end. I have learned over this past year or so many things and handle things much better than I have in years but this has already put a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. I will persevere and do my best with it because I made a commitment to do so. And I do like who I work with as people. They are trying their best. And that is what our clients deserve. I will work for myself one day and I will take what I have learned from experiences like this and make it a damn good concern.

Friday night I had drinks with a dear friend who is moving to the US with her husband very soon. We ended up going out to a bar in the city with live music and danced the night away and it was fun and spontaneous. But ,my head was rather sore yesterday and I also resented feeling all I could do was lay horizontal most of the day and what a waste that was…I guess the fact that as you get older your body does not metabolize alcohol as well as it used to has something to do with it. And also as an slightly older person you need to consider that drinking too many cocktails and good champagne all in one night is something that you should have the good sense to know how to temper….or not…

The one good thing about the narcissist was that he managed to stop me drinking at all for several months and to start exercising and it felt good at the time.

But looking out of the the window of the train on my commute most mornings this week I felt sad, quite sad. Thinking how did my life get like this? Why was it MY son was suffering as he is now and WHY was there no cure or anything I could do except love him and I feel helpless. Why couldn’t I be the one caring for him and having the ability to spend more time with him whilst there still is, there are things that have prevented it? Why am I not living closer to him already, why was I feeling this way already about my job, why had it taken so long to rise above years of seesawing depression, having insane people come into my life and damaging it and destroying my faith in them and other human beings…why why why why why? My eyes would well up on the train and it would be hard to hold back what felt like a tonne of tears ready to explode when I thought I had already cried a river. And I felt guilty that it was all about me and how I was feeling that made me feel even worse. Insipid.

And then I realised that aside from the fact that I had just missed my first period (I was told I was going into menopause a little while back..what marvelous timing in the general scheme of things:(), I have been sick and on antibiotics for a bad chest infection. Not exercising because of it and as I said exercise was a godsend to me over this last year. I really did have legitimate reasons to feel slightly exhausted and tapped of energy, sorry for myself, and that even though I am not the only one going through certain things some are not going through it ALL AT ONCE or concurrently and that even though on the outside they all look like ducks paddling on the pond and the water’s surface seems calm and serene underneath their little feet are paddling as fast as they can t propel themselves forward and that is all we can all do is to try move forward as best we can and keep afloat. Such is life.

So on that note I am signing off from Nutty central. I am going to the gym finally after 2 weeks and I think that will start to make a difference and I will enjoy the rest of this day because at the moment it is all I have…who knows?

Love and whitelight xxx

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OK. I know this won’t be popular with all those loved up couples and googly eyed girlies who think they will be lucky enough to get a Rose this year, but me;”frankly my dear I don’t give a damn!” to quote Rhett Butler from Gone with the Wind. The frequent bombardment of marketing, ads and sickly sentiment everywhere makes me want to VOMIT in technicolor.

Buy a Pool we will colour the water red as a Valentine day’s special, Special sale for Valentine’s day…kiss my arse you stupid idiots I am not going to buy anything that has ‘on special for Valentines Day’ on it. Crock of merde! (French for sh.t!)

DO THEY REALISE THAT NOT EVERYONE FINDS THIS DAY INTERESTING??? Or exciting, and it is also the one day that if your self esteem is under the floor you feel even more like shit! Fuck that crap….royally….

I am sorry for my foul language and negativity but it really gets my goat…ARRRGGGHHH!

I shall now descend from my soapbox.

Possibly in disgrace for not believing in this butterflies and unicorns day tomorrow..arrgghh..yet again..

Could be where I am right now. Back on the Hamster wheel of life. Groundhog day etc etc. Midlife existential crisis, hormonally fluctuating like bitch!

And damn it I have been so good and positive and much stronger than I have been for years recently but as my last post said there are still challenges around me but I am getting so damn tired of it all and when I think of my beautiful son and what he is going through and the plight of many others I keep saying to myself when I am in whinge mode; YOU NEED TO BE GRATEFUL FOR ALL THE MANY BLESSINGS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE.you have food, shelter, a job, good friends even though they are scarce alot of the time because their own lives are busy, sons you love dearly etc and as I said alot of first world problems but by god I felt weak this week.

And I need to let it out. I can’t talk to people because they are probably sick of hearing negativity, we all are…and even my regular blog readers will read this and go uggghh..that wasn’t worth reading..but this log is still my cathartic outlet…I need it right now…I WILL not descend into depression EVER again…NOT AN OPTION….

Now for the hamster wheel; my sons deteriorating health; a photo was sent to me whilst I was at work of him sleeping on a couch, exhausted and where I could see his tongue stuck out of his mouth because he can no longer control it and it gets in the way, his arm and hand no longer useful legs and feet starting to curl inward, fading and skinny from not being able to eat properly now..it is….devastating even though I knew it was coming…trying to focus on my new job because I need to earn a living in this goddamn expensive city and move closer to the city so I can be at hand for him and my other son but trying to save the money for bond and rent in advance and moving costs to get my things out of storage..of which the cost is expensive, work days long including a 3 hour total commute and feeling exhausted after as I have had pain in my right lung when I breathe (my right lung is scarred from 2 bad bouts of pneumonia and am a bronchial asthmatic) and a chest infection/virus but I must go to work, must persist…keep my job in this bad economy and to move forward. Every morning on the bus and train in I fight to not think about my son and hold back tears of frustration and sadness, but I know I can not stuff up my work chances again after the last 2 years. I have been doing well at work funnily enough. The frustration of not being able to go to the gym, which has been my absolute saviour for my health and mind because of this lurgy. The disappearance of my period and the related hormonal crap and I know and understand I am going through the change hence my inability to hold back tears at times…those bloody hormones…but exercise helps…arrrgghhh

I so wanted to drink several Martinis last night but I am on strong antibiotics so that would be counter productive…oh my god, a nanosecond of ‘thinking straight’ in the midst of everything…amazing..sleep patterns fucked up because of hormones and external stresses…AYE CARUMBA..there is more, much more but I can’t be bothered now;

even I am tired of reading it!

And then last but not least, it has taken 2 weeks to finally stop thinking about the loss of the “good one” yet another failed relationship of sorts with no prospects in sight (and intermittent thoughts of the yank debacle still because there is no one else in sight probably or maybe he will always be there and the dream I thought was to be us still lingers in the background even though I know now it was never real…he did not mean a thing he said…narcissists don’t and it took a long time for my hearts scars to cover over) but with all of it why should I want it. Even the dating site has gone quiet on me..which is kind of a relief at the moment but then this FUCKING VALENTINES DAY TOMORROW reminds me that the last time I got roses and spent time on Val Day with someone I really cared about was 1984 and I feel miserable and cranky again….WTF?!?!

Breathe….or try to without pain. Eat some Lindt Dark chocolate. Center. Rest. Be calm and know that the universe will provide…….

Love and whitelight xxx

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It’s Sunday morning. A dear friend woke me from my strange dream and sleep in with a phone call and whilst I love her to death and she knows I am there for her no matter what, this morning my mind was not ready for the first world problems I heard. But they are hers and they are very valid to her, and as a friend I understand that. So I listened and responded as she asked my apparently valuable opinion. Bless her, she trusts my judgement!

The last few days I have felt a bit blah again. Friday night after a long week at work (don’t get me wrong I am so grateful to have work and be back in the real world again!) I met up with another dear friend who flew in from Sydney for the weekend and we toasted each other and the weekend off with 2 bottles of very good expensive champagne at a rooftop city bar full of PYT’s (pretty young things) and young cockerels all parrying and thrusting. It was interesting to watch although I was fairly engrossed in conversation with my friend. We always have a great time together. I sometimes feel like I no longer fit in in some of these venues. Where are the people in my age range? They are there I guess but not as many as the young things.

I wonder if it is just that I am single at this age (50 this year in May) and should be embracing this wonderful freedom I have to do what I want when I want (aside from what is going on with my son of course) and then I realise that most of my friends are scattered far and wide and the ones here in Perth, alot of them are partnered or married and here I am still wondering when the ‘right one’ will make his entrance. I am so ready for it. There was a time it did not bother me at all until I met “the yank” and even though that was a complete and painful debacle it brought me to place I hadn’t quite been before. Ready for a REAL commitment. Sadly I know I wasn’t there when I walked down the aisle with my ex husband many years ago. A few of my friends said they knew it, but I being hormonal and pregnant at the time could not see the forest for the trees.

I called off the ‘friendship’ with benefits with “the good one” Monday morning in a completely honest text. I question my timing on it because I had to really push myself through the day at work and hold back the lump in my throat and the profound disappointment I felt at losing not only access to an awesome penis when needs be but what was becoming a pretty good and caring friendship. He really did make the effort to listen and we really did enjoy each others company. But that was the problem. It made me want more, and he just wasn’t in the same place. We had discussed it before and I thought that I could do it but I found after thinking long and hard about it over that weekend after our last time together, I just could not without it tearing my soul apart.

He was sad about the loss too but accepted it, apologised and said he knew what I was feeling because he had been there a little while ago and it was difficult and he knew I didn’t need anymore pain. I told him it wasn’t his fault, it just was what it was.

But I have to say, it kept coming back to me during the week the sadness, the memories, the loss and it was hard it was almost palpable. Thank goodness my work was so flat out that I did not really have time to think about it during work hours. And I am determined to kick some goals on the work front now, its my time so I buried that feeling until after hours.

Today, and at times this weekend, I have thought about the yank and that whole crazy mess that put me into another depression yet also forced me to deal with so many things I needed to from childhood on. Things that were buried deep. It also forced me to really accept what was going on with my son (when I say accept, it is not really acceptance, you never really accept that your child is going to die but you learn how to deal with it, kinda..) I was determined this time and am still thankful I did the work and felt the raw pain. Cause no matter how slightly off I feel right now I know it will never be a ‘depression’ again because of that dealing. Sadness and disappointment is a natural part of life, the Yang to the Yin or vice versa and everyone has it, in different measures. But sometimes, maybe selfishly I wish for a reprieve. For things to just go right for a reasonable length of time and to not have to worry and feel sad.

Yesterday I sat and thought “is that all there is?” and I wondered why I couldn’t feel satisfied with my life right now. I guess I am just acquiescing to what I feel are my problems, just like my friend did this morning. She did ask me after her rant, which really wasn’t a rant if there was anything she could do for me, if I needed to talk. But I said thanks anyway. I know I will get over this…feeling. To feel is human, it means you are alive. And for that I should be grateful.