Tag: humor

While this video is now everywhere I have to admit I like the backstory behind it. The guy has never sung before and just made up a little jingle to get people to visit his fish stand. His friend ended up recording him doing his song and put it on Youtube and now not only is he an internet sensation, but has a deal pending with Warner Bros. Also, watching the video with the girls I pretend the one pound fish he is talking about is them.

Here is more on the story:

Muhammad Shahid Nazir, now known as £1 Fish Man,moved to London’s East End having left his native Pakistan and his wife and four children to discover a better life for them all. Working on a market stall selling fish, Nazir needed a trader’s call to grab passing trade. His song became the stuff of legend and a viral sensation: “Have-a, have-a look, one pound fish. Very, very good, very, very cheap, one pound fish.”

After a video of him was uploaded to YouTube, Nazir saw himself accelerated into the spotlight: he auditioned on the X-Factor, saw his ‘£1 Fish Song’ covered separately bysuperstar producer Timbaland and singer Alesha Dixon and was profiled by the Evening Standard who declared: “Watch out Psy, you’ve got a rival” and The Sun who stated: “It might just be the Christmas No. 1.”

Potap is one of my favorite rappers in general. Sure, he is from the Ukraine and raps in Russian and I don’t know Russian but his music is some of my favorite rap music. Sometimes not understanding is part of the fun!

Most of his songs are performed with Nastya Kamenskih, which complements Potap’s sense of humor and rap style.

ALL: Look there she go, she lookted so ridiculous She thank she in a fury tale Why she got her weave like that Tell me where they do that at She really is a boogie girl A beauty but a boogie girl She really is a boogie girl…….THAT BELLE

What”s good

What”s good

What”s good What”s good

What”s good

What”s good

GLOZELL: If you don”t get out the skreet oh I swear for God! uh uh! Don”t make me take my shoe off! Ooh get out a my way! Ugh! Heffa

I remember being in freshman English and being asked to write a poem about love. I gave it some thought and wrote a pretty long one and after the teacher read it she called me to her desk and asked me if I plagiarized it. I told her no I did not, not because I am above plagiarism, but because I don’t like reading poems. She smiled and said it was great and I had talent. Over the summer she got divorced and returned next year a real bitch. It almost made me hate reading and writing.

It’s a young man’s game, dancing. It marks your territory. It shows the opposite sex that you are agile and by association, fertile. It also makes you look like a complete and utter cock.

When was the last time you saw someone knocking out some moves to some music and thought to yourself “Fuck me, what a mover”? Never? Thought not. That’s because people who CAN dance know they can from a very early age.

I’m not talking the foxtrot or the tango, or any of the other letters form the phonetic alphabet. I’m talking 1:30 AM, horrible little nightclub, godforsaken little town. And you will fall into one of the following categories.

1) The restrained mover Birds do it. Blokes do it. Educated fleas, however, leave it alone. You know the one, stand up tall, elbows slightly bent. Rock your weight gently from side to side in time to the music. Point a bit. Sing along if you know the words. If you don’t, it doesn’t matter; no one can hear you anyway.

This dance is the prototype of all the dances, as everyone can do it. Christmas parties are renowned for it, and from a distance look like one of those Korean demonstrations put on by the kids, thousands of people moving in time.

2) The unrestrained mover Or the annoying cunt, as they’re known. Just fucking go. Bollocks to everyone else who’ve paid out their hard earned cash to populate this shitty little room. THEY ARE IN THE WAY. WHEREVER YOU GO. THIS IS YOUR FLOOR. YOU ARE (in your own mind) TRAVOLTA.

The major cause of fights is the unrestrained mover. More lager is spilled on a Saturday night in Ritzy’s because of this twat than blood was shed in both Gulf Wars. He swings, roams and freaks out in every square foot of floor space.

Not only that though, he takes every lyric literally. Rainbows? Big arc drawn above his head. Get down? He does, and sorts of twists on the spot to show his skills. Tossbag.

3) The non-runner He just stands and taps. One hand in pocket, other clenching an expensive lager. Generally suited and booted to a high standard, and will attract women no-end.

He likes to look like he “can’t be arsed”, when in reality he wants to dance but is frightened of making a dick of himself. He has no rhythm, so dancing is for fools.

You may have noticed that the first category was asexual. Women are only ever category one. Men can be all three. Women won’t dance at all if they feel they can’t, but by only doing a pale imitation of dancing they all seem very capable.

Personally, I go through the list 3-1-2 depending on how pissed I am. I know I can’t, but then beer takes over and I think I might be able to if I concentrate. Then it seems easy, so onto stage 2, which causes me to be covered in lager by the end of the night. I generally know when to draw the line before hostilities develop.

So, next time your throwing shapes, see which one you are. If you’re a bird, then 1. Blokes, any of the 3. Try not to bump into me though, you stinking number 2s.

Hi folks! My name is Glen, and the webmaster here. Webmastering is an interesting profession that you can enjoy and earn millions of pounds in just a few months. This is a cool job if you hate people, and love stealing information from others…

There are great opportunities all over the world. It takes a small amount of commitment to be a successful webmaster, but you don’t even need to know programming, graphics, multimedia, marketing, communication or some tricks of the trade.

I’m going to give the benefit of my huge experience. There are six things you need to worry about to master the web. To make you website successful try and get one of these right.

Content OK, for the first ingredient, we’ll need heaps of content, and unlike caviar, any content will do. High-quality, interesting content can go a long way but you probably will not have anything approaching that so just fill your site with as much crap as possible, just copy loads of text from the losers at Live Journal, no one will notice, no one reads that shit.

Lastly, too many sites try to address everyone by serving up a bland blend of content. By trying to be “ubiquitous” or “objective,” they end-up creating a site with no personality. Most the best sites of the Internet go out of their way to offend as many people as possible, try and copy them.

Information Design If your site is supposed to be difficult to navigate, unclear in purpose, and curiously defined. It will make it popular with the internet smartasses that like to hack, and go other geeky activities to prevent them thinking about how loveless life is.

Navigation is merely telling people where they can go. So have lots of Porn Banners, and I would also recommend some Popups and Spyware on your site, as they bring in the cash.

Performance Have you ever been to a restaurant where the service was so bad or over-taxed by the crowd? These are they most popular restaurants because people expect to wait for the best, if the people can’t wait for your 1 MB bitmap image logo to load they can fuck off and get a Quarter-Pounder at McDonald’s.

Compatibility A lot of rubbish is written about the many different computers and web browsers on the internet. Ignore it all. People that using Linux and Macs are barely human Freaks and the Windows users that have Firefox and Opera are all pirates and Lesbians.

Visual Design Didn’t we already do design?

Interaction Design If Template Monster has taught us anything it’s that users expect fancy user interfaces that take hour to load up on dial up and freeze any computer that run less than 20Ghz (Screw those users your site doesn’t need them) and Myspace as taught us that users expect user to embed at least one Video file in our page, so what if the two rock videos playing together sounds awful: this is the 21st Century superinterweb Grandpa.

Here is an awesome rap video I just found. I thought I was watching Tim and Eric because of the production value. The lyrics are great though! These guys are geniuses! Who needs a budget to make a perfect rap video???

Lyrics:

Mmmmmm, Hmmmmm (Ay) Hhmmmmm (Tummiscratch beat)

[Verse 1: Yung Humma] Hey, little lady how you feelin’? It’s Humma-Boo at the crib just chillin’ Tryin’ to figure out what I’m gonna do today How about you throw on somethin’ sexy and come my way? I got a truth for you, man you gonna like it I hear those giggles: go ahead and get excited You say in the bed that your man is a lame guy Havin’ sex with him is just like watching paint dry Daaaayymn, I really hope that that ain’t true But if it is, here’s what I’m gonna do for you: And when you get here, I’m not just gonna Bang it I’mma smash it too, so let’s just say I’m gonna “Smang” It

[Hook] Lemme Smang it girl (Smash it and Bang It)

[Verse 2: Yung Humma] The way I work that kitty gonna make your heart sang Now are you ready baby then let’s get crazy I hope your muscles warmed up, you caaan’t be lazy (Get loose) This is what I like to call “Smash Bang fusion” Gotta focus, mama don’t wanna get a “Cooch Contusion” I like to mix it up, I like to do stuff; I like to start slow and then I beat it up You should be cautious, don’t be scary I’ma have you lookin’ like a Wild Thornberry The locals got you dry Well let me be your tourist; I’ll leave your body feeling like a rainforest (Drip drip) so let’s get it poppin’. Tell me can you hang? Now lemme smang it, baby: Smash it and Bang

[Hook]

[Verse 3: Eff dot Floss] Flynt Flossy, known across the Nation Smash & Bang is my favorite combination Kiss you to your toes till you get that sensation It’s a love scene, baby, with no communication. (Baby!) Got mine’s off, now to the next location (baby!) I need inspiration, your mouth fixation Smangin’ them drawers is my life’s aspiration Eff dot Floss loves ladies and relations (Love it!) Call me Marathon, my Jimmy run long Call me Schwarzenegger, my sex game strong I smang it Tarantino, From Dusk till Dawn I smang it everywhere from the bed to the lawn

I am really tired of the safelite commercials, but I love the one with the black guy because being a black guy myself I imagine weird ways how things can go down. Here is a meme we create to capture what comes into some of our minds when we see this commercial.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I hate these movies, and so should you

Let’s get this show on the road!!! Tonight we are proud to present The Romantic Ritalin award, chronicling the 2 shittiest romances ever filmed. And tonight’s host, someone who knows romance like the back of their hand…..CUPID!!!!! Take it away Cupid!!!!!!

Cupid: Thank thee Paul, for I am Cupid, bringer of love, and romance. For I, Cupid, live in the realm of FANTASY, as do these two shittieth movies. Thine prime nominee, feature my greatest enemy, thy GRIM REAPER. Yet thy movie is not about what thine may think….

Paul: Thanks Cupe. You’re right my winged cherub, this movie is not what you think, in fact this movie is so overlong and ridiculous, it doesn’t WANT YOU TO THINK. I present Meet Joe Black. Much like Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt is a GREAT ACTOR, despite his heart-throb status, but damn…Meet Joe Black??? I can picture the producers of this movie in the idea room shilling this plot:

“So yeah we have a great idea, we want to get THE GRIM REAPER, and put him in human form.”

Studio: Oh like “The Stand”! And what do you want him to do?

“No not like “The Stand”, we will make him eat lots of peanut butter and fall in love with some annoying bitch for a whopping 2 and a half hours while movies like Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban get less screen time due to the dumbing down of America being fat lazy ritalin asses who cant stay in their seat for more than two hours unless it’s cheap fantasy-like romantic tripe like Jerry Maguire (;)).”

Studio: I don’t know man….who is it going to star?

“Brad Pitt”

Studio: IT’S A WRAP!!!! We’ll get working on it right away!!!

Thus was conceived Meet Joe Black, an interesting movie about how the Grim Reaper deals with life on Earth. The movie starts off good enough, as a fish out of water story. Then he meets some woman who’s father death must collect. From this point on I wanted death to knock on my door and collect me from this crappy sentimental piece of crap. Meet Joe Black was also considered for the Waste Management award. I’m sorry, if there’s gonna be a movie about the grim reaper living on Earth, THE LAST FUCKING thing you do is make him fall in love with an incessant spoiled little bitch. In fact while watching the end of Kill Bill: Volume 2, I was reminiscing of how they took a DEMONIC character and made him a SAP like was done in MJB. This is how MJB progresses.

Love scene. He eats peanut butter. Love Scene. He eats peanut butter. Younger sister of bitch complains how she takes care of dying Anthony Hopkins while bitch and Joe Black make love. Dramatic love scene that lasts 213412421562634857w37372362648rtfjytotggjtykdtul,dtj4w56653562356 hours by the pool. He eats peanut butter. They have a party. Anthony walks over a bridge and disappears (dies). Sounds like Neo’s death. Clubs seal. Roll Credits.

I love it when movies try to be unique and put stupid shit to make it stand out. Ergo, much like the flying in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, the peanut butter joke wasn’t funny, it was ridiculous. Meet Joe Black is also the longest romance Ive ever seen. A whopping wrist slashing 2 and a half hours, it took two tapes to watch it. It felt like 20. I have blocked most of this tripe from my memory. Jen Byrne calls it “Meet Joe Block”. I couldn’t agree more.

My dad is the one who told me to see this movie. Mind you my dad hates movies, he only likes 4 or 5 of them. My dad likes The Godfathers 1 and 2, The Sandlot, Ben Hur, and Meet Joe Black.

However, Meet Joe Black >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> the next winner of the Romantic Ritalin award, because AT LEAST Meet Joe Black had an interesting enough premise. UNUTILIZED, but interesting. Cupid your thoughts?

Cupid: Thy Meet Joe Black, makes Cupid sad, thy Cupid is disenfranchised with love and romance, thy Meet Joe Black is fantasy, but thy next winner of Ritalin is even more fantasy than they MJB. EVEN THOUGH THIS NEXT MOVIE HAS NO GRIM REAPER, ONLY REALITY BASED CHARACTERS ::FIRES POISON ARROW AT SEAL::.

Paul: CUPID NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Cupid: I apoligizeth Paul, I will compose myself. I hate this job. The winner of the IInd Romantic Ritalin Award goes to….. THIS AWARD WILL BE TYPED IN ALL CAPS, THIS IS HOW MUCH THIS MOVIE PISSED ME OFF. IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT TOO BAD, YOU GET A TRIPE AWARD. MUCH LIKE CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN SUBPLOT, EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER SAID THAT JERRY MAGUIRE WAS A GREAT, FEELGOOD MOVIE. CONSIDER I HAD A FEVER OF 100 DEGREES WHEN I SAW IT, BY THE TIME THE MOVIE WAS OVER IT WAS UP TO 102. I SWEAR IM NOT MAKING THAT UP. ANOTHER TORTUROUS ROMANCE MOVIE THAT SPANS 2 AND A HALF HOURS SHOWING TOM CRUISE SLEEPING WITH THIS WOMAN AND THAT WOMAN. THIS CHARACTER IS PORTRAYED AS A GREAT YET TROUBLED MAN. I’M SORRY IF I WAS A MILLIONAIRE SPORTS AGENT WHO GETS THAT LUCKY THE LAST THING I’D CRY OVER IS PEE PEE ZELLWEGGER AND SOME HARRY POTTER ON CRACK REJECT KID. I SAT, FEVER AND ALL, THRU THE WHOLE MOVIE WAITING FOR IT TO BE GOOD. IT NEVER CAME TO BE. JERRY MAGUIRE HAS SOME OF THE WORST LINES IN CIMEMA’S FINE HISTORY.

“SHOW ME THE MONEY”

FUCK YOU SHOW ME THE EXIT.

“HELP ME, HELP YOU”

HELP ME?, FUCK YOU

“YOU COMPLETE ME”

::CLUBS SEAL:: ::WEARS SEAL SKIN:: THE SEAL HAS COMPLETED ME.

I HATED HIS CHARACTER, THERE WAS NOTHING HEARTWARMING WHATSOEVER ABOUT HIM, HE WAS AN ASSHOLE, I WANTED BRAD PITT TO SMOTHER HIM TO DEATH WITH PEANUT BUTTER. THIS MOVIE WAS NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE BY THE ACADEMY. FTJXFRTJKFRTY CTYKTYXKXTY,LXTL, KFRTKXRTKXRTJRTJKZRTJKZJKZ5JKER

I THINK WHEN I’M DONE WITH THE TRIPE AWARD I’M PUTTING THEM IN WEBSITE FORM AND SENDING THE HYPERLINK TO THE ACADEMY. MAKE THEM LIVE IN SHAME FOR WHAT THEY HAVE NOMINATED. I REMEMBER NOTHING ELSE FROM THIS TRIPE, I WAS SICK, AND IT SUCKED, THEREFORE IT WAS SUMMARILY DELETED. ROMANCE AS PORTRAYED IN JERRY MAGUIRE IS BULLSHIT. THE GRIM REAPER FALLING IN LOVE IS MORE REALISTIC THAN ALL THE SAPPY HEARTFELT SCENES IN THIS MOVIE. THIS IS FANTASY AT IT’S WORST.

CUPID WHAT THE FUCK??????????????????????????

Shit, these movies retired Cupid!!!! Sorry about that man, I warned you beforehand. Stay tuned next week for the “Movies that Inspire Chris Hahn to Have a Bowel Movement Award”. And ladies and gentlemen, trust me, they inspire me to have one too, and I can DIGEST ROCKS. Good night!!!!

Good evening fellow members of the PFI. Tonight we congregate here to pay respects to our soon to be dearly departed. Our guest of honor tonight was not the 40th president of the USA, did not try and stop Martin Luther King Jr. day from happening, did not illegally sell arms to Iran, while also selling arms to Iraq and Saddam, did not train Osama bin Laden to fight the evil Soviets, did not believe that trees caused pollution, did not fail to address and ignore the AIDS epidemic till 1987, and didn’t throw the nation into a horrible recession. Tonight’s guest of honor will be leaving for Cocoa Beach shortly, and tonight, we honor movies that both him and myself hated. These are the movies THAT GIVE CHRIS HAHN BOWEL MOVEMENTS, and me too.

The first recipeint of the Bowel Movement award is a movie I was very fond of in my childhood, then I recently re-saw it for what it was, a poor man’s E.T., I present to you…..

Shit wrong picture….

Ah yes, Mac and Me. Mac and Me need only be dictated in interesting FACTS based on what happens in the movie. Let us begin. These creepy looking aliens (picture E.T. on metamphetamines) are meandering about their planet, there’s a mom, a dad, a daughter, and a little boy. How do we determine their sex?? For some odd reason, we just do, maybe their manneurisms. The aliens get thirsty, so they stick straws into the ground, and drink Coke out of the planet, I swear I’m not making this up. Not Pepsi, not Publix Cola….but COKE. I hope Pepsi doesn’t sue me for breach of contract. (Note to Pepsi, I am pointing out all the product placement in Man and Me, no harm done, Pepsi is STILL the choice of the new generation!!!)

Even though the movie was filmed and took place in the late 80’s, it seems NASA has advanced 53252542425 years as they have probes landing on distant planets and expeditiously bringing rock samples back to Earth. The aliens encounter one of these probes, and get sucked into the probe with a huge vacuum cleaner. THE ENTIRE FAMILY. The Ford Probe brings them to Earth where they are released of course. For some odd reason the young boy alien gets separated from his family. He ends up in the backyard of some “down on his luck” kid and his dysfunctional family(does any of this sound familiar). The kid is in a wheelchair. This is mainly so Steven Spielberg and Universal don’t file a lawsuit.

Anyways, the handicapped kid discovers the alien likes Coke, so, in cinema’s finest example of product placement, there are countelss cans of coke lying around everywhere. Then there’s a scene where the wheelchair kid carrens of a ravine into a lake, and the alien must save him. There’s a shot of the alien underwater that looks like a Japanese goldfish. So E.T. on crack saves Hawking the 2nd and a friendship is born. It’s time to tak the alien to, McDONALD’S!!!!! Yet how are they going to get away with bringing an alien to McDonald’s?? Easy, they put him in a teddy bear suit. Then they have all the employees and patrons of McDonalds break out into song and dance, INCLUDING the alien in the teddy bear suit. The size of the alien changes 5 times in this scene due to the stunt workers flipping around in the bear suit. Then the evil government comes and raids the party. Because of how popular he was at the McDonalds party, they name the alien “Mac”. Now if THAT’s not product placement, I don’t know what is. Mac somehow is reunited with the rest of his family in the desert.

Later on, I forgot how, they all end up at a K-mart type store. The aliens are inside the store, government appears, fires at the store, and it inexplicably explodes. What proceeds is pure retardation. The handicapped kid is at least 800 feet away from the store. FOR SOME REASON THE EXPLOSION KILLS HIM. No scars, burn marks, shrapnel wounds, NOTHING. Book of Jorge. Imagine if I were killed all the way down here in 9/11 due to the explosions in NYC. Yes, it looks that ridiculous in this movie. The aliens come out of the burning store (must’ve been all the coke) and revive the dead kid. This causes the government to parlay, and easily grant the aliens AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP. You see them all being sworn in wearing suits and dresses and stuff. I wanted the teddy bear suit back. My father spent YEARS trying to get his citizenship in this country, but these ALIENS FROM PLANET COCA COLA get it IMMEDIATELY upon rescuing a kid. The aliens then drive a pink cadillac and Mac blows a bubble that says “we’ll be back”. Thankfully, they never did. Maybe they were deported? HAHN what do you think?

Hahn: ::DROWNS KITTENS::

Paul: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! At least Mac and Me was supposed to be dumb (I think). This movie was supposed to be SERIOUS AND GOOD. It ended up EVERYTHING BUT. Ladies and gentlemen, start swinging clubs for…….

How does one begin to disseminate this piece of shit? Ah yes, DISAPPOINTMENT. Similar in aspects to Mortal Kombat Annhilation, we waited months and months for Alien Resurrection, and much like that sequel of yore, we were left with cinematic blueballs once it was over. Alien Resurrection started off interestingly enough, with a cargo ship crew discovering the existence of a cloned Ellen Ripley. Along with the cloned Ripley came the cloned QUEEN alien, which was inside of her in the duration of Alien 3. Naturally the aliens escape their captivity on this ship, and all hell breaks loose. It’s actually a GREAT movie, until….the last 20 minutes of the movie. Ripley falls thorugh a steel grating on the ship into a pile of alien goo. At the same exact time, the entire movie falls down there with her, into alien goo.

She begins to hug and caress a bunch of aliens. Yes, this is the same Ripley from the original Alien trilogy, who’s life has been destroyed by these horrific creatures.

Apparently now, she has alien DNA inside of her cloned body, or something. I don’t know, it gives me a headache. So she’s done fellating the aliens, and we see the dreaded QUEEN ALIEN. OH SHIT, HERE WE GO.. SHE’s GONNA KILL BILL..ERR I MEAN THE QUEEN ALIEN!!! Out of nowhere the queen alien GIVES BIRTH to THIS:

THAT piece of artsy fartsy bullshit is a hybrid HUMAN AND ALIEN. It then KILLS the queen alien, thus killing any shot this movie had of being great. In one of the worst lines in movie history, a cocooned scientist says to the newborn hybrid alien “What a beautiful butterfly!” THE HELLFIRE AND AGONY OF THE ALIEN SAGA AND WE GET SOME MORON SAYING “WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY???? ::CLUBS SEAL::

The hybrid alien comes up to him, and crushes his face with his hand. I think the alien was pissed that he was called a BUTTERFLY. I would’ve been too. Anyways, Ripley, realizing this scene is one of the gayest in history, runs out of the room onto the escaping drop ship to Earth. Naturally the hybrid follows “mommy” to the ship, and proceeds to start killing the crewmembers. Ripley must come and stop her “child” from killing people, in a very sentimental, heartfelt scene.

.patriot act strikes again, picture not available.

Awwwww, then she sucks the alien out into space through a tiny hole in the hull as it cries, yes CRIES horrifically. You literally see it’s bowels flying out into space, how’s THAT for a bowel movement?? The crew is on it’s way to Earth, the 3 that are left at least. The end. Whoever’s idea it was to turn Alien into artsy fartsy sentimental bullshit really is deserving of this particular Tripe award. There’s a fine line between dramatic and DUMB. Alien Resurrection certainly breached dumb, then was sucked out into space. Hahn??

Hahn: ::HARPOONS BABY WHALES::

Paul: DAMN YOU HAHN, YOU WONT FIND ANY WHALES TO HARPOON IN COCOA BEACH!!! Farewell my good man!

Tune in next week for quite possibly the most ANGRY, FURIOUS, WRETCHED, and MOST OFFENSIVE of all the tripe awards. THE BUBONIC PLAGUE AWARD, which features the MOST UNFUNNY COMEDIES EVER. Until next week, GOOD NIGHT!!!

This is the Reverend Doctor Paul. We gather here today to pay our respects to our honored dead, The Data Memorial award, presented to films with the absolute worst endings ever. Let us start with a prayer.

Oh Lord, hear our prayers, these movies know not what they do. They were good movies, faithful movies, yet sins kept them from maintianing sanctity, in this weary world. Tonight we first pay tribute to the finale of a fine trilogy, a pure trilogy, the first Data Memorial award goes to…..

The poster says it. Everything that has a beginning, has an end. Well, at least most do, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS ::CLUBS SEAL::. Isn’t false advertising illegal??? After all the hype involved within The Matrix Trilogy, all the anticipation, the pledge by the Wachowski brothers that there will be no more Matrix movies after Revolutions, we get an ending that leaves more LOOSE ENDS than a stay in prison. To prove this fact, I didn’t know the ending to the movie until a few days AFTER I saw it. Yes, AFTER. Something with Neo and the “head machine”, and he fights Smith, then he gets dragged away by sentinels, either unconscious or dead. So Neo’s dead, I think. Yeah. As you see the sentinels drag Neo away, you can see the entire trilogy dragged with it. NO CONFIRMATION OF NEO’S DEATH. NO CONFIRMATION OF WHAT THEY DO WITH HIM.

It almost seems like the Wachowski brothers realized they fucked up with the RIDICULOUS “cycle” storyline initiated in Reloaded, and wnated to RUSH the ending so people won’t notice how VAIN it all was. All the fights, all the philosophy, all the purpose, gone. It doesn’t end, I think. After the Machines withdraw from Zion, we get a minute or two of closure. The fact that the whole thing was a cycle isn’t closure, and the fact that this war happens over and over again also isnt closure. This ending makes the whole struggle seen in these 3 movies USELESS, as if it doesn’t matter because the war will happen again. THIS IS NOT AN ENDING, IT’S HORSEBALLS. The brothers have claimed to continue the story in VIDEO GAMES. See the previous volume of the tripe awards please. Rest in peace Neo, I think. And Rest in peace Matrix, we hardly knew you.

Hail Mary, mother of God, thy Kill Bill 1, thy movie be fun, on screen as it is in cinema. Domini madre, domini padre, amen. ::floor rumbles:: Oh shit, what the fuck is this??? ::building rocks back and forth:: OMG IT’s A DISASTER. Oh nevermind, it’s the winner of the next Data Memorial award….

KILL BILL: VOLUME 2!!!!!

A special thanks goes out to Marilu, who got us into a special screening of Kill Bill: Volume 2 for FREE. If I had to pay for the biggest disappointment since Bush winning the 2000 election, SEALS would be on the endangered species list. I’d like to supress things that i KNOW I will hear, because I’ve heard them. I REALIZE THAT KILL BILL IS SUPPOSED TO BE ONE MOVIE, I know it was split into two for time constraints. But SINCE people had to pay TWICE to see “one movie”, the movies ARE NOT ONE, but TWO. The first volume of Kill Bill is simply one of the greatest movies of all time. The perfect blend of emotion, violence, action, and comedy. The first half of Volume 2 is fantastic as well. For those who haven’t seen it yet, here’s a piece of advice. In Volume 2, when Beatrix goes to visit the spanish pimp, walk out of the theater, have a drink, and create your own conclusion to the Kill Bill legacy, because Tarantino’s conclusion is quite possibly the SHITTIEST COP OUT IN FILM HISTORY. At the end of Volume 1, we perceive Bill to be a maniacal madman. WE CANT WAIT TO SEE HER…….

KILL BILL.

Turns out though that Bill is a SOFTIE. EVIL BILL, HELLFIRE BILL, GEORGE W. BILL. He destroyed her wedding because she left him, they were in love, aww isn’t that sweet??? NOT BECAUSE SHE WALKED OUT ON AN EVIL CRIME SYNDICATE. This makes the entire first volume, and the ENTIRE REVENGE ANGLE USELESS. The last 20 minutes are mind numbing, as Bill goes into a diatribe about goldfish and superman. I know this is a Tarantino movie, but give me a fucking break ok? The vague conversations worked in Pulp Fiction, but this is KILL BILL. FIGHTING, KUNG FU, GORE, PESTILENCE, DRHDRJDRJHEUYE$YWE$Y. After this conversation, we expect the most anticipated fight scene in movie history: Beatrix vs. Bill. HERE WE GO!!!! FINALLY!!!

Bill pulls a sword on her. 10 SECOND FIGHT SCENE IN WHICH THEY ARE BOTH SEATED. ::CLUBS GOLDFISH:: She does this five finger move on him that he explains to her in a flashback scene. If he walks 5 steps after this move, he dies. She holds his hand. Holds his hand, tears well up in her eyes. Awww isn’t that sweet?? ::spits:: He gets up, takes 5 steps, and collapses. No blood, nothing. Bill, tyrant in part 1, collapses and dies, along with the movie in general. To quote Miami Herald movie critic, “imagine if Luke and Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi sit down and talk about Superman and goldfish.” I couldnt have made a better analogy myself. So it became almost a romance. I was led to rename the movie: Kill Bill’s Best Friend’s Wedding Massacre. Other alternate names include :Kill Thrill, Kill Bill 1.5. Killjoy, Kill Bill in under 10 seconds. Or best yet, KILL SEAL.

And God said let there be Trek, and he saw that it was good. And God said let there be Nemesis, and he saw that it was good. And Rick Berman said let there be Nemesis ending, and he saw that it WAS A PIECE OF SHIT. The 3rd Data Memorial Award goes to….

A few interesting facts first. Data has been a mainstay on Star Trek The Next Generation since 1987. The Romulans have been mortal villains since 1966. Understand these two simple facts. So at the end of Nemesis, Data dies heroically, sacrificing himself to save the Enterprise, and more importantly, PLANET EARTH. Sounds good huh? IT IS!!! 2 minutes later the movie is over. A one minute scene is featured showing the crew toasting wine for Data. 16 years of BELOVED Data, the HELL WE WENT THOUGH WITH HIM, and all we get is wine, and Riker wondering what song Data was whistling when he first met him, that’s it. I wanted to mourn Data, I wanted to cry for Data, but all I cried for was this RUSHED HALF ASSED ending.

Actually, half assed is giving it too much credit. 1/4th assed!!! FURTHERMORE. We SAVE THE ROMULANS ASS FROM CERTAIN DOOM, and we get a message from them “You have a friend in the Romulan Empire”. Over 30 years of war, and all we get is that. Movie over. The time it took you to read this review was 5 times longer than the mourning for Data and making peace with the Romulans, events that spanned DECADES. As any Star Trek fan should know, Data got LESS mourning than the GUYS WITH THE RED SHIRTS THAT DIE IN EVERY EPISODE ::CLUBS SEAL::This funeral for Data IS THE REAL ENDING FOR NEMESIS. Captain Hernandez out.

And God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten son to pay it forward, and killed him. The final Data Memorial Award goes to, the single worst ending in film history……

A young boy discovers how to make the world a better place through generous gestures of kindness, passed on person to person, how do you conclude this story? Do you: A) Show how his idea has affected the world, B) Show him not wanting anything in return, or C) Stab him and watch him bleed to death. If you chose C, you deserve a Data memorial award.

It was a dark and stormy night, no for real, it was. I was flipping channels and happened onto the beginning of Pay it Forward. Halfway into this FANTASTIC MOVIE, THE CABLE GOES OUT. The movie was so INTERESTING that I went out in the storm to Blockbuster, rented it on DVD, and watched it that night. I should’ve stood outside with a lightning rod after seeing how the movie ended. The Haley Joel Osment character revolutionizes kindness by creating a theory called Pay It Forward. He does a kind thing for someone, that person must then do something kind for 3 people, and so on and so forth. His kindness is rewarded at the end of the movie when some IDIOT LOOKING KID STABS HIM AT SCHOOL AND HE DIES. HE DIES. DIES. THAT’S D.I.E., DIE!!!! WHAT DOES THAT SHOW? WHAT KIND OF MORALS DO YOU HAVE. According to how Pay it Forward ended, if we do nice things for people we GET STABBED????

This opinion of the movie’s ending is the most UNANIMOUS AGREEMENT ever. NOBODY LIKED THE ENDING. THE KID DID NOT NEED TO BE A MARTYR. THIS IS NOT THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. Having Osment die in Pay it Forward is the equivalency of having the astronauts in Apollo 13 plummet to the moon in a fireball. In fact, I may be wrong about the unanimous agreement, because CRIMINALS AND MURDERERS LOVE THE ENDING. It gives them HOPE AND FAITH for a SHITTY WORLD WHERE GOOD DEEDS GO PUNISHED. ::CLUBS SEAL:: We see NOTHING of how the pay it forward spread through the world. We see DEATH and MISERY. Pay It BACKWARD, directed by Mimi DEADER, produced by O.J. SIMPSON, Screenplay by JEFFREY DAHMER. Rated S.E for STUPID ENDING.

Funny how all these endings involve death.

One dies, we think. One dies, romantically, in under 10 seconds. One dies, with so little mourning he might as well have an unmarked grave. One dies, leaving the rest of the movie, hell, the rest of CINEMA ITSELF, in VAIN.

Good evening ladies and gents!!! I”m happy to announce that the last edition of the Tripe awards BEAT AMERICAN IDOL in the ratings!!! We”re on our way to the final episode of Friends, to beat that in the ratings, I”m unleashing the most ANTICIPATED award of this series: THE DATA MEMORIAL AWARDS!! Honoring the absolute WORST endings in known film history. Look for that the night of the last episode of Friends, together we can beat their asses!!!! As for now, on with the show!!!! Tonight”s presenter of the prestigious CINEMA KILLED THE VIDEO GAME STAR award, hardly needs an introduction, he is the one…the only……

Pac Man: Thank you Paul! Thankfully a movie has NOT been made based on my escapades, however, if that were to happen, it”s still be better than tonight”s recipients! Tonight”s awards feature movies that have been inspired by video games, however there”s one thing the PFI wishes to get across. These awards are given based on the movies, not how much they resemble the video games that inspired them. There have been some video game movies that had little to do with the game, and still ended up great (Super Mario Bros. is a good example, imagine if they made a movie JUST like the game, it”d get a Tripe award). Just wanted to mention that in passing. And now the winner of tonight”s first award…..

LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER!!

Paul: Thanks Pac Man!! Angelina Jolie is over-rated. Much like American Idol and Friends, I can”t understand mainstream America”s obsession with her. JANE Voight, I like to call her, as the poor thing looks like her father in drag. Ah well to each his/her own. Based on this love for Jolie, droves of people flocked to see Tomb Raider. I went to see it not because of Jane Voight, but because I was a mild fan of the highly popular game series, and, I was bored. The movie ended up being so horrific, I cring at the words “Lara Croft”, and I haven”t played any of the games since. Yes, it”s that bad. Imagine a movie where EVERY SINGLE action scene leads to NOTHING. Example: A 10 minute action scene where the alleged “bad guys” are invading Lara”s mansion, during this whole fight, one guy sneaks off, and steals some relic that Lara is protecting. As this man is escaping she just smiles, and walks away.

Yes.

Smiles.

And Walks away.

You know, as a matter of fact, all she does in the movie is smile and walk away. Someone will tell her something, she”s smile and walk away. This happens 435325432q523653427624624y457hdjnfysmsym53 times in the movie, don”t believe me?, see it. If I weren”t being a cineamtic masochist that day, I WOULD”VE SMILED AND WALKED AWAY from the theater, but then there”d be no Tripe Awards, would that be a good thing?! Anyways, there”s a gratutious shower scene that was put there for whack off material (for guys that either a) don”t have the internet, or b) have the internet but are in denial that FREE PORN exists on the net.)

In this scene,because of the measly PG-13 rating, you don”t see ANYTHING except for maybe Jane Voight”s bare ass. GOOD! That eliminates a good chunk of the audience”s wishes! hahahhahahahaha!!! The bad guys in the movie are people called the illuminati, and they”re bad, because, ummmmmmmm……ummmmmmm….they are old guys. They want some relic that Lara has, it”s a very important relic because ummmmmmm….ummmmmmmmm.

Don”t know, movie didn”t explain, and if they did, I didn”t care. At the end of the movie, in an ice cave, Lara and one of the bad guys grab hold of this relic at the same time, all of a sudden they are transported to another realm, there is this huge black triangle they must climb up to reach some shit that I don”t remember. Does that make any sense to you guys?? It makes even LESS SENSE if you actually see it, trust me. It looked like a Tony Robbins infomercial showing people climbing to the top of the proverbial pyramid of life, it was that ridiculous.

NOTHING however can top the ending. She reaches the top of Tony Robbins” pyramid first, grabs hold of Tinkerbell. All of a sudden, the ice cave stars to collapse. She finds SNOW DOGS, and she sleighs her way out of the collapsing ice cave, SMILING and laughing the entire time. At this point I too was smiling and laughing, that the movie was OVER and that I can go home and do something more constructive with my time, like watch the chia pet grow. I hear the sequel is actually worse, I might just see it only to put it in these awards. Hey Pac Man, you saw Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, what did you think?

Pac Man: Our next movie is an inexcusable, I repeat, INEXCUSABLE piece of zombie dog shit. The second award of the night goes to….

RESIDENT EVIL!!!!!

Paul: I have to admit, sometimes I”ll go into a movie ASSURED that it will suck, and sometimes I”m WRONG and I eat my foot. To swing the pendulum the other way though, there will be movies that I am ASSURRED will suck, and they actually turn out to be WORSE than I expected, ladies and gentlemen, Resident Evil. Where to begin….I CHALLENGE anyone who can give me a name for the main character of the movie, plus the guy she was with. I challenge anyone who can tell me why they were in bed with each other, and what they were doing in that mansion. There, that”s for starters. They descend with a bunch of marines and they encounter Survival Horror Movie Cliche” #1: Strange Creepy Little Girl with english accent, this time in digitized form, wtf-ever. Next we encounter THE ONLY SCENE OF VISIBLE VIOLENCE AND GORE IN THE MOVIE.

The laser scene, one of the first to die is, Survival Horror Movie Cliche #2: THE BLACK GUY. The scene was amusing enough, little did I know that in this zombie movie (yes, it”s a zombie movie, more on that later) that”s the last violence I”d see. We encounter zombies that resemble the zombies in Thriller by Michael Jackson. That”s just ignorant. Instead of it being scary, it looked laffable. They start firing weapons at the zombies. Want gore, blood violence? It is a zombie movie right? Well, too fucking bad, let me storyboard Resident Evil for you. Camera shows someone firing gun, next zombie comes, some fires shotgun, next zombie comes, somebody swipes an axe, they go down the elevator to the next level. Now, in that mini storyboard, was there ANY shots of the zombie”s being sliced or blown away??? Nope. This BULLSHIT is most prevalent in the DOG scene, which in the video game is most memorable, yet forgettable in the movie. The dogs JUMP towards “Jane Doe” and she fires a sawed off shotgun repeatedly, not one camera shot of the hellhounds being destroyed.

Oh, don”t give me the whole “PETA wouldve gone nuts and bla bla bla”. Watch Cujo and Man”s Best Friend, hell even OLD YELLER, then proceed to kiss my ass. All this time we have Survival Horror Movie Cliche #3: The Battle Hardened Female Military Grunt. Michelle Rodriguez, a good actress, turns in one of the worst on screen performances ever. A complete RIP OFF of Vasquez from Aliens, all she does in this movie is pout. Even through the incessant pouting though, it”s still better than SMILING AND WALKING AWAY RTHTDHAHBARG ::CLUBS SEAL::. There are some scenes of the movie that would”ve been intense and scary, like roaming the halls of the lab, but since MARILYN FUCKING DIPSHIT MANSON is playing loudly in the background, we can”t pay attention the the ambience of the lab. After battling more of Michael Jackson”s minions and not seeing a drop of blood, they go on this train thing, and while Michelle Rodriguez Vasquez De Santa Anna continues to pout, a huge monster comes out of nowhere and starts eating the train.

I think I blanked out based on the stupidity factor alone, all I remember is her waking up, and everything is destroyed in the city, setting it up for possibly an equally horrific sequel. Oh I also remember me not caring. Paul Anderson is a great director (Mortal Kombat, Soldier, Event Horizon, HOPEFULLY Alien vs. Predator), but after seeing this crapfest, I have my doubts. I was NOT entertained by Resident Evil. If the movie did one thing though, it made me appreciate the game even more, even with it”s equally horrific acting, I get a satisfying storyline that makes sense, plus I see violence and gore, something that should be PREVALENT in a zombie movie, like the fantastic DAWN OF THE DEAD. Game over. Pac Man your thoughts?

Last and certainly not least, we have here the single worst movie ever made. Yes, the absolute WORST, this movie can almost fall into ANY of the Tripe Award categories, but it best fit in this one for obvious reasons…..the worst of the worst, ladies and gentlemen…..here it is:

Paul: NEVER before has a movie”s tagline SUITED the movie more. DESTROY ALL EXPECTATIONS. Literally. After the GLORY and GENIUS that was the first Mortal Kombat movie, one would hope that second one would equal or BEST it. I was almost in tears leaving the theater that night. How, how could it happen??? This is how. Imagine fitting almost every character from the MK series into one 1.5 hour movie. Chracters like Sheeva and the Barakas would come and go like nothing. If you went up to get popcorn and came back, you just missed 5 MK characters thet you”d DIE to see on screen. Nightwolf does NOTHING. Sub Zero comes then DISAPPEARS. MONSTERS COME OUT OF WALLS TO EAT PEOPLE. ESHETAJATJMNATJMNATJN IT MAKES NO SENSE ERAHEARHJNRAHJNRAHNJEA. WHY GOD WHY??? I saw the movie with Fernando, he made two of the best comments ever uttered in a theater, because they”re so TRUE.

1) This is a porno, but instead of fucking, there”s fighting. 2) Part 1 is WWF, part 2 is WCW.

LMFAO I can”t think of better words to describe MK Annihilation. Thinking about this movie gives me a headache. Remember at the end of the first MK movie, the EVIL AND WRETCHED SHAO KAHN?????? For some UNGODLY reason, in part 2 he”s played by some 20something year old actor who can”t act his way out of a barrel. Same with Motaro. You just look at him and laugh your ass off. The pinnacle of stupidity are the animalities at the end of the movie. They make the old godzilla flicks look like special effects extravaganzas. Oh then Shao Kahn”s father turns into a black box and disappears. The movie is so bad it”s WORTH seeing. It”s no wonder that only 2 actors from part 1 signed for the second movie, the others were actually smart and read the script b4 signing on. Even James Remar, usually a GOOD actor, sucked as Raiden. MST3K needs to come back and destroy this movie. Badly. Resident Evil And Tomb Raider are masterpieces in comparison. And after tonight, thats saying a WHOLLLLLLLE LOT! PAC MAN???!!!!

What is chat roulette, it is a video chat program where you randomly chat with people over the internet. CR gained most of its popularity about a year ago, mainly for the thousands of penis exposing shots people would see while using the service. Once chat roulette began banning these people it was decided that dressing up or putting funny things in the background was the way to go. Here are some of the funnier screen caps from chat roulette.

The folks over at Epic Rap Battles of history released another awesome rap battle between Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking. I have to say hearing Hawking using autotune was too awesome. Check it out.

What could be worse than a wedding? You have your parents and her parents there and all these people you can’t stand and don’t look now but that girl that never gave you any play just winked at you. Yes, it is true weddings suck for just about everyone unless you are drunk, high, or having sex with a low self-esteem bridesmaid in the coatroom.

So let’s forget all that and look at horrible wedding photos instead.

Why in God's name would you want to show people this?Yet another place to see a clown cryYou've heard of Ebony and Ivory, this is Olive Oil and Lard

Till Apocalypse do you partThis is not suppose to happen until later tonightNever touch a white womans champaign bottleIt's a trap!Not pictured, the family slavesMeanwhile at the Legion of DoomThis is not the wedding you are looking for.Dude, she's already naked, no need to marry the bitch

You might be too young to know this and it saddens me that I know this so well but back in the day before many television shows they would tell you who their sponsor was. The show would tell you; “This show is brought to you by…” and following that would be some images of some product or company and their tag line. Well, Obscure Internet is bringing that back internet style with a new series of screen captures that are just a bit off, enjoy.

Alterac Valley Noobs

I know what you are thinking, didn’t he write about being AFK in AV? Yes, this is true, but that was during my leveling stage. What I am talking about is AV at level 80. Did you hear, AV at 80 is its own bracket now? I can understand being under geared or even new to AV altogether, but this has gotten ridiculous.

I knew I was on the failboat when

When you load up into AV at 80 and there is about 10 seconds left before the game starts and you have no buffs, you know you are going to fail. I can only speak for alliance here, but since I am alliance and since we are all 12 can you please push the shiny button with Fortitude or Kings and for the love of God stop hitting the freaking Path of Frost button!

Here is a pro-tip noobs! Buffing in a BG before it starts uses no mana! Why do I see six mages and no mage table? Maybe you think giving biscuits to all for free is socialism. Maybe you think I should have my own food. Well you’re wrong noob! I have food, but its stat food and I need normal government cheese food! Hand it over you keyboard drooling loser muffin!

Warlocks, I know you only like hitting your three fear buttons over and over, but for the love of the Anti-Christ please make a soul well. I mean those soul stones come in handy when the real pros of AV are rushing to cap relief hut.

Is this thing on?

I know there are a lot of poop sock, hot pocket eating, super min/max playing ass hats out there and most of them are spamming some strat they read on the message board claiming it as their own, however, when we are trying to make a plan of attack at least turn back to the screen for a moment. That 48 year old you watch undressing from your bedroom window will be back again. Now is the time for gaming. Put down the lotion and watch the screen there might be useful information there.

There is nothing wrong with going for The Alterac Blitz, I know some of you think achievements suck, but maybe, just maybe you can try it you know, for this thing we humans like to call fun. How is it that so many people ignore BG chat? Do you just run around like Helen Keller with a potato sack over her head down to Galv every game? Maybe you are a BOT or more likely a dumbass. Do us a favor, stay AFK with the other 50% of the raid.

Like the girl you were stalking told you, don’t touch

You cheesy fingered, sunlight depraved, perma-virgins, how many times do we have to tell you not to cap Iceblood graveyard? Let me put it in terms you might understand. Remember when you wanted to masturbate real bad and family kept coming over the house? See if you went out to meet them they would leave you alone, but like the tool you are you stayed in your room being a social misfit, so, they kept coming to your door bothering you keeping you from getting off. This is called a turtle because it talks a long freaking time to get to the payoff! This is what you do if you cap IB, you make horde respawn farther back which slows down our advance which keeps us from reaching our goal quickly.

I need to take a breather

I have more to say, but to prevent TLDD I will break this up into another part. In the meantime, wash those crusty socks and dump out the pee jar. I’ll be back shortly to continue your schooling.

Paladin Hateraid

I tried being a nice guy, but it’s just not in my nature. I hate a lot of things and it’s time I started telling my adoring public about some of them. In this case since we are talking MMO’s, I will keep it focused on that.

In this inaugural issue we will cover one of the most hated classes currently in World of Warcraft.

My E-Peen was damaged

It’s not that I expected to win every fight, but I believe everyone should have a real chance to win against every other class. I mean when I’m not AFK in Alterac Valley I might want to stab a hoe in the back with my pig sticker.

I bide my time and find a lonely paladin at half health and think to myself, self, you got this. I close my eyes and think back to my boyhood days in the Catholic Church, channel my rage and attack. I’m screaming out in my small basement; “There were no cookies in the rectory!” while I unload on the helpless pally.

It should have been an easy kill. I hit the right buttons. I did everything the SpoonCraft guide told me too, but just as victory was in my grasp he became invincible. “Bubble bitch!” I cried out in a pain worse than that day in the rectory.

So I back away and try to bandage and to my horror it begins to heal itself. Now at full health it helps me relive that awful, awful day from so many years ago as it begins to spin and flash and rape my sorry ass.

As I laid there broken and battered on the ground the evil paladin did something to me I hoped would never happen again.

It was after a hard Friday night of D&D back in college. I had drunk way to many Zima’s and passed out in the lounge. Nicolas, who I had beaten earlier that night with my charisma warrior, was still pissed and wanted revenge. He stood over me, but I was in no condition to stop him as he pulled his pants down and settled his microscopic sack upon my forehead.

A picture was taken to commemorate the event. We didn’t have HD back then so you couldn’t even see his minuscule balls, but they were there, resting just above my eyebrows. I never played D&D after that and that day, like the one in the rectory, haunted me for years.

Now it happened again. That damned paladin tea-bagged me worse than a town hall protestor. I cried at my computer desk and downed a coke zero to try and alleviate the pain, to no avail. I walked away from my computer, defeated and whispered silently, nerf paladins.

The Art of the AFK II

So now you know about my adventures in A.F.K, but now it is time to talk about others. We all know World of Warcraft can either take a ton of time or just a few minutes depending on what we want to accomplish, but if you are going for that purple ring then it can take hours. On raids good leaders try to make it easy on members by taking breaks, however, some just don’t take advantage or go a little overboard.

Cooking with Nax

My good friend Rizim sends me a whisper inviting me to a 25 man Nax raid telling me it would be fun and allow me to switch out some of my 10 man pieces. I was bored at the moment and decided to go. The part pug, part guild had reached Gluth which happened to drop something I needed.

You know how Gluth works, you have a group fighting him and hunters or mages kitting the zombies. Well, I was put on the zombie team. It was no problem I have done it many times. The problem was the other hunters somehow forgot to hit their trap button, so, we wipe. We run back, Rizim is yelling instructions in Ventrilo and just as we engage him for a second time I see this:

wtf cat

PhyscoHeals tells the raid: A.F.K. turkey dinner for the kids.

I start laughing thinking this is a joke. I mean PhyscoHeals is our main healer and happens to be leader of the raid, but no she is not kidding and disappears in the middle of the fight. We wipe, I’m cursing out loud in the house and sending Rizim tells that I plan to come over to his house and kick his dog for pulling me into this God awful raid.

Who the hell starts cooking a turkey dinner in the middle of the raid? I get it; you have kids, but W.T.F., A.F.K. Thanksgiving?!!! I had this picture in my mind of her PC just sitting there, unused:

Needless to say I ran out of that raid like a Democrat at a town hall meeting. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised with a name like PhyscoHeals.

A.F.K, tired of writing

afk gamer cat

There’s more to come on my series on, The Art of the A.F.K, but what about you guys and gals out there? Got any stories to share, let us know about them.

Unemployment is just too much fun which is why there hasn’t been a new post since like forever. However, as the e-mail inbox continues to stack up (all spam) it’s time to get back to work. Since we are in wedding season I decided to try and help (ridicule) someone who is having a problem with a bachelor party.

Laramie Piton from Tea Party, Texas writes:

I’m going to be married soon and my best man wants to throw me and awesome bachelor party, but my girl is insanely jealous and doesn’t want me to have one without her. Isn’t the point to have one last big fun party before you tie the knot? It’s not like I want to cheat or do anything to piss her off, I just want to have a party with my boys. Is that too much to ask? What should I do J.A.?

How many times do I have to tell you? Marriage is like buying an American car, it’s been drilled into you that you should do it, but it sucks and you will regret it in the end. I guess it is too late for that advice, you are getting married, but let’s address what we can shall we?

If you feel jealous something is wrong with YOU?

Why won’t women get that men have to look at other women. First of all it is like the sun is to Superman, it gives us strength and though some men will fly toward it most of us know it’s best to observe from a distance. Every time you flip out on your man over looking it is more likely he will start touching.

Second we look for several reasons, but a few of the top reasons are because:

She has something you don’t

She’s doing something you won’t

She’s breathing

Number three you can’t help, but if your man likes looking at a firm body then maybe you should firm up. However, this goes both ways guys. If you are looking at a firm body and you are a bowl of jello then you are just window shopping, which is fine, just realize you can’t afford what you are looking at.

The road to failure

Simply put, if your girlfriend is going crazy over a bachelor party then you have a long hard road ahead of you. First off, the bachelor party is a time honored tradition. Honestly it is kind of stupid because you are almost admitting marriage sucks the life out of you which is why you have to enjoy one last night out as if you are going to jail or something.

If younger women dancing around you and causing you embarrassment and a mild erection burns her up inside that much then you have a drama queen on your hand. Symptoms of a drama queen include:

Thinking everything is about her

Keeping you from doing things then doing it herself

Crying over stupid shit

Whining and complaining a lot

Playing the victim

Unrealistic expectations

The last one is killer because in her mind she has already mapped out everything and you will fail to live up to it. This starts with denying you a bachelor party and next thing you know you are having a scientology wedding with a Tom Cruise look-a-like as your minister.

Ball searching

Men have lost the middle ground. We seem to have two levels now, complete pussy and raging abusive asshat. There has to be a middle ground where we make our opinions clear and stand up for what we want. You must search for your balls and even if you find them in her heart shaped box you can still reattach them. If you don’t do this now you will end up hating yourself and her in the end.

On the flipside, don’t be a hypocrite. If she wants to go to Chippendales or whatever then you can’t turn all emo on her. Communication is key, you can do it now or when your divorce lawyers meet, the choice is yours.

Still on Vacation

I hope to help more of you saps, but until Obama kicks me out of his house I’m going to continue chillaxing in his basement. Keep the e-mails coming, I’ll be back in another six months.

So it’s friday, time to unwind and make the good old brain melt.~Honorabili

Dead Alewives Summoner D&D skit

Good chance is that if you’re an old gamer like us you grew up both playing video games and a ton of old pen & paper RPGs. So much braindead shit happens when playing RPGs usually. Dead Alewives made a skit which catches the spirit of that stupidity.

Summoner Dead Ale Wives DM

Here is my transcript of this heresy!

DM – “Galstaff, you have entered the door to the North. You are now by yourself, standing in a dark room. The pungent smell of mildew eminates from the wet dungeon walls.”

Blue Eyes – “Well, it says I have blue but I decided I wanted grey eyes!”

DM – “Whatever! Okay, you guys can talk to each other now if you want.”

(silence)

Galstaff – “Hello.”

Grey Eyes – “Hello.”

Galstaff – “I am Galstaff, Sorceror of Light.”

Grey Eyes – “Then how come you had to cast ‘magic missile’?”

(laughs)

DM – “You guys are being attacked.”

Fridge Raider – “Do I see this happening?”

DM – “NO! You’re outside by the tavern!”

Fridge Raider – “Cool! I get drunk!”

DM (sighs) – “There are 7 ogres surrounding you.”

Galstaff – “How can they surround us? I had ‘Mordencaiden’s magical watchdog’ cast.”

DM – “No, you didn’t!”

Fridge Raider – “I’m getting drunk! Are there any girls there?”

Galstaff (angry) – “I totally did! You asked me if I wanted any equipment before this adventure and I said no but I need material components for all my spells so I cast ‘Mordencaiden’s faithful watchdog’.”

DM – “But you never actually cast it.”

Fridge Raider – “Roll the dice to see if I’m getting drunk!”

DM (sighs and rolls rice) – “Yeah! You are!”

Fridge Raider – “Are there any girls there?”

DM (annoyed) – “Yeah!”

Galstaff – “I did though! I completely said when you asked me.”

DM (more annoyed) – “No, you didn’t! You didn’t actually say that you were casting the spells so now there’s ogres, okay?!”

Fridge Raider – “Okay but if there’s any girls there, I want to jolt/choke them!”

***

There you have it. That was the easter egg you get when you beat Summoner, making fun of Dungeons and Dragons (Satan’s Game!) and it’s typical players. My friends and I used to quote lines from that for years.

It was made by the Dead Alewives which are an 80s-90s comedy troupe. Click here to find out more about them.

It is 2009; we have a black president, a black head of the RNC and a black attorney general. If you did not know this, these three things are the signs of the apocalypse and our end will come soon (2012), but before that time comes, I, your black internet physiatrist, J.A. Laraque am here to care and continue helping the fans of Obscure Internet with any and all issues.

Kandy Preston from Chicago Illinois writes:

Dear J.A.,

My name is Kandy and even though my name sounds sweet finding a date has left me with a sour taste in my mouth. This is my problem. I don’t like to get out so I do my dating online. I try not to be superficial, but I have run into too many men who take pictures of themselves using MySpace angles.

In case you don’t know what a MySpace angle is, it is when you take a picture to hide your fat and ugly. My question to you is why people can’t be honest about their body and their looks. It’s bad enough you don’t know much about people you meet online besides their picture and now their pictures are not a true representation of themselves.

J.A. can you tell me how wide spread this is? Are all these pictures doctored? Is there any truth on the internet?

First let me just say that most girls I know named Kandy are either hookers or really, really….large. Anyway, to answer your question, no, there is no truth on the internet. The internet, like the cake, is a lie.

I myself was unaware of MySpace angles until setup on a date. I learned that the camera can be used to deceive, not only others, but the opinions of the people in the picture. You can take enough of these pictures to where you look at them and think you look good, but you would be sadly mistaken.

Personally, I have seen people make a dating profile using an old picture and truly it sucks especially when it is clearly an old picture. When you see one of those old Motorola brick phone in the background and you are not in some cell phone museum it’s time to update those pictures.

Also, I have come across people whose main profile picture is a head shot but their additional pictures show the body. It’s not quite bait and switch, but I figure it’s best to just let people know what you look like up front. Perhaps these people feel happy that someone clicked on their profile even if only to be shocked when they look at their additional pictures. It’s like that website that tells you to stare at a blank screen then it plays a loud scream scaring the crap out of you.

I wish I had some good news for you Kandy but alas I do not. The internet is full of fail and honestly if you are searching it looking for a date then most likely you are also full of fail. The best thing to do is look at yourself in the mirror, preferably naked. If you feel like you are about to vomit then you should not be concerned about MySpace angles since you are in fact one yourself.

However, if you are hot, for god sakes get off the internet and hit the bar like the rest of humanity. See in the bar there are MySpace angles too, the difference is these angles hide things like financial debt, lack of an education and personality and their STD’s

Have fun!

P.S. I just realized your name is Kandy and you said sour taste in your mouth. I had a great joke to use, but Obama told me to be nice.

Being one of the top comedy writers at Obscure-Internet it not just a job, it’s an adventure. All the money and fame that comes with such a high profile position has not caused me to forget about the little people. To give back to the community I have decided to help the downtrodden people of the internet with various issues in a segment I call J.A. Cares. If you would like me to help you please send your questions to jalaraque@obscureinternet.com and if your problems can be twisted to the amusement of the Obscure-Internet readers I will use it.

Sincerely and humbly, your king of internet comedy,

J.A. Laraque

In our first issue of J.A. Cares we have Susan from New Jersey U.S.A, she writes.

Dear J.A. I heard you have an I-Phone 3G and you care about people, so, here is my problem. Please help! I took my husband’s I-phone and found a raunchy picture of him attached to an e-mail to a woman in his sent e-mail file (a Yahoo account). When I approached him about this (I think that he is cheating on me) he admitted that he took the picture but says that he never sent it to anyone. He claims that he went to the Genius Bar at the local Apple store and they told him that it is an I-phone glitch, that photos sometimes automatically attach themselves to an e-mail address and appear in the sent folder, even though no e-mail was ever sent. Have you ever heard of this happening? The future of my marriage depends on this answer!

Well Susan your first major problem is that you are married. Marriage is wrong and currently many states are banning it as we speak…. Just a second, I am sorry, I just was informed that they are only banning marriage for gay people. Why are gays the only lucky ones who now have a valid reason to avoid marriage?

Anyway, I have also had issues with a camera phone. I was taking some sexy pictures for this lady online who told me she was incredibly sexy but would only send me pictures of herself naked if I sent some of my own first. So, I took some really awesome pictures and sent them to her. It was bad enough that she never responded, but then when I went to work people were looking at me, pointing their fingers and snickering. Finally, a friend told me that everyone saw my naked pictures. I could not figure out how until I remembered I installed a program called Flicker on my phone that e-mails all pictures to an online webpage which I happened to give to all my co-workers to see my vacation photos. It turned out good in the end. I got a raise, though she did say to use the extra cash to invest in the lap-band surgery.

Oh yeah, your problem. Did you know that with the I-Phone you cannot attach pictures to text messages? Is that a load of crap or what? I paid like four hundred dollars for this damn phone. Well, we are out of time. To bottom line it, he is cheating on you and if he looks good naked then you should cry and if he does not you should laugh. The only glitch here was in your marriage that was doomed to fail anyway and no, I am not bitter. I am just trying to help. One last thing Susan, what the hell is a Genius Bar?

The opinions and views expressed by J.A. Laraque do not necessarily reflect the views and options of Obscure-Internet, but, if you are a fan of this site I am sure you could guess that most of them would agree with him.