I’m Thankful for Sarcasm

It can be tough to produce content on a daily basis, and sometimes the muses can be very fickle. But when the holidays roll around, lazy bloggers can always fall back on the tried and true tradition of lists. And since we’re on Thanksgiving’s doorstep, right now the lists revolve around things for which the author is thankful. Which means hundreds, maybe thousands of people are gushing about their spouses, children, parents, friends, freedom and the roof over their respective heads.

Eff that.

It’s not that I’m not grateful for all of those things in my life. I am. And I express that thanks to those people throughout the year. So what I’m going to do this time around is tap into my inner dick and bring you a sarcastic List of Things I Should be Thankful for If the World Wasn’t Totally Fucked.

You might not want to read this one around the old Thanksgiving table tomorrow.

I Wish I Could Be Thankful For…

The Bravery Shown by Penn State Officials–The horror of what occurred at Penn State is undeniable, but the only silver lining is the way the situation was handled by Penn State personnel. From the minute Matt McQueary rescued that poor boy from Jerry Sandusky after stumbling upon the pair in the shower to Coach Joe Paterno’s rapid response in notifying the police of the heinous crime, Penn State showed great courage in the face of an atrociously impossible situation. They put justice and common decency above the importance of a money-making football program, and did the most important thing, which is to come to the rescue of innocent children. Bravo Penn State.

The Decency of Police During Occupy Wall Street Protests–Although many people did not agree with everything OWS was doing or how they were doing it, the important thing was even the police charged with keeping the protest area safe were cognizant of their right to peaceful assembly and free speech. Instead of needlessly beating back students or unnecessarily dousing them in the face with pepper-spray, these officers kept the laws of the land and citizen rights at the forefront of their mind, displaying class and model behavior at all times. Bravo.

Bank of America’s Efficiency & Customer Service–Some people say big banks are impersonal and don’t care about their customers. But Bank of America proved even the big guys care about the little people. That’s why, when my wife and I saw financial trouble looming, we called the bank even before we were behind on payments, telling them there was trouble ahead and we wanted to be proactive. Did they could’ve told us there was nothing they could do. They could’ve told us they are unable to work with us at all until we’re way behind on payments. Then they could’ve lost paperwork and bounced us from department to department, passing the buck until we wanted to light ourselves on fire. But thankfully, Bank of America is among the most ethical, efficient and customer-oriented businesses in the land.

The Boston Red Sox–Some lesser teams that blow a 14-game lead in September might collapse under its own weight, be reduced to finger-pointing and infighting and leak stories about the personal lives of beloved managers. That kind of implosion risks losing key figures such as general managers and managers, while clubhouse stories involving booze in the dugout and overweight players eating Popeyes surface in the aftermath. Thank goodness a stable organization like the Red Sox was able to avoid such chaos and remain a paragon of organizational success during hard times.

The Solidarity of Dad Bloggers & Mainstream Recognition–It’s been said in the past that dads are treated as second-class parents, and dad bloggers are the red-headed step-children to the almighty mom bloggers. That’s why it was so wonderful when Disney bought Babble they spoke so glowingly of fathers in their future plans. After all, it’s not like they call their department “Mom & Family” right? That would be absurd. But when Babble did recognize dads in its Top 50 Dad Blog list, it was heartening to see all fathers come together in celebration and unity. Even if they didn’t make the list there was no bickering or fighting, just appreciation for fatherly recognition and all egos checked at the door. Well done fellas.

My New, Multi-Million Dollar Book Deal–After years of toiling in Internet anonymity, I’m ever-so-thankful Simon & Schuster finally came to their senses and offered me a $2 million advance for my life story. Did I get into blogging for the money? No. Will I cash the check and accept the New York Times’ opinion that I am “the voice of modern fatherhood and an inspiration to the world?” Yes. Yes I will.

Compassionate, Understanding Pro-Life Supporters–When I posted the video of my encounter with pro-life zealots following the loss of our unborn baby, things really could’ve gotten dicey. It’s a tough subject and there’s very little common ground between the two sides. But I’m so grateful to the wonderful people who left supportive comments that helped MJ and me through such a tough time. Things like “So you abort a baby because it had a ‘deformity?’ You do realize that those amniocetis(I can’t spell that) tests aren’t always accurate” and “I think these women probably feel worse about his child dying than he does. Abortion is murder. What else is there to say?” Thank the Lord for these empathetic, devoted Christians. If not for them pushing their opinions on everyone else, how would people know what to think?

I had the same issues with BoA. We are military and had to move to a different state. Tried to contact them and see if we could do something since we knew we couldn’t make two house payments. Since we weren’t behind, they wouldn’t help us. Then, when we fell behind they wanted to hound us. Banks are just evil these days.