Letters I'll Never Send

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Lying in bed with my eyes closed thinking of you and wondering if you’re thinking of me too. Curiosity fills my mind; wondering what would have been, how you’ve been, and what you’re doing now. You were so many firsts to me, imagining you not in my life seems unimaginable, though unfortunately true.

You were my first love, my first, the first man to ever treat me like a princess. My best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my confidante, my everything. My future, our future, seemed so certain. The world was a few shades brighter everyday with you in my life. I was brighter, happier, sure of myself, and who I wanted to be. A school teacher, a sister, a daughter, but most importantly I wanted to be yours forever.

Now when I hear your name I feel a pang of pain in my heart. When I see photos of us and how happy we looked I wonder where we went astray and what I did wrong. The glass rose you gave me is inside a box with all of the other items you gave me. I have wished so many days that it was real so that it could die like we did and I wouldn’t be reminded of what used to be. I wish I could throw it away like you did to us and our memories, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I want to break it like you broke my heart but I can’t because that would mean I was actually giving up on us and the possibility that you may change your mind and come back to me like you did before.

I want to be over you more than anything. Over wanting to be with you but the memories are still there. It pains me to think that I thought we were so happy and so perfect together, yet you weren’t. You said I knew you better than anyone so how did I not see that you were miserable inside. I feel as though I failed you as a friend and a girlfriend. I keep telling myself that I could have done something to make things better or make us work. That would have only prolonged what was bound to happen; life and you telling me we weren’t meant to be.

You made me so happy and I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone to make me feel like that again and that scares the hell out of me. While I’m glad I got experience how amazing truly being in love is at least once, now I don’t want to ever be without it. I don’t want to live life without that feeling of happiness and that love high every day. I feel empty inside and like a part of me is missing. While I’m sure I’ll find other people to fill the hole you left in my heart and temporarily it will subdue the feelings I have for you, I worry it will never be the same as what we had and won’t be enough to make me truly quit missing you.

I feel as though I didn’t even know who you were, who I am, and where to go from here. I’m doubting everything in my life. It’s crazy that you leaving me has done this to me. I never could have imagined you leaving me and even now I still can’t. I keep hoping I’m dreaming but the ache in my heart and the tears I keep crying prove that I’m not. I dream that you’re still here with me and that we’re still together and its almost as good as the real thing but waking up and knowing it was all a dream makes it even worse, because then I miss you more. I can’t believe that one person could do this to me and I hope I never have to feel this way again. I honestly don’t think that my heart could handle it and I would rather die than have to feel this way again.

I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, nor do I need you to. I just need someone, somewhere to see it. I wrote this journal entry 2 years ago about you and I can’t stop looking at it, nor can I stop crying every time I read it. I have nightmares about you and how much you hurt me for weeks after I see you, until the next time I see you. I can’t keep living this way. I’m happy now. I have the most amazing boyfriend who treats me better than you ever did. He makes me feel like the most special girl in the entire world. I have amazing friends who love me more than you ever could. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. So I just need to make you and this journal entry disappear. What I’m really saying is I need to finally let you go. I’ll always have a special place for you in my heart and I will always love you but I have to say goodbye. For good. I wish you best and hopefully you’ve found the happiness that I have.