Your not boring me. I'm just ill. And despite the illness, I thought it would be a bright idea to take 4 DC's to the Science Museum. In London. On my own.

I need my bumps felt or something...

DC's are ok bar loads of actually minor meltdowns though I did have to go overground from the tube to the museum rather than through the tunnel. DD only elbowed one person encroaching on her personal space on the tube (which is very good for her).

I'm happy that the I creased dose of Gabapentin seems to have held most of the szs at bay - only had 3 small ones this week, first week of any, as I was due on.

Feel like poo though, going to London has given me an asthma attack, all wheezy like Darth vader. Going to have VERY painful joints (more do than now!!) tomorrow, probably be wiped out for days now.

Last week I was very low with horrible period and back to back migraines and my CRPS has been pretty hellish since it was manipulated by the physio last week as well.

Been a bit better since dh had 4 days off over Easter. Managed a short trip to a local farm to see the lambs, piglets, chicks and calves on Tuesday and them took the dcs out for the afternoon with dh yesterday, as he had the afternoon booked off. We had to do something as we have the damned nursery bear this week and need to put something over and above pj days in the diary!

Unfortunately I have paid for it today. Had my first episode since the 26th last night and literally could not get up this morning, I could barely wake at all. Dh had to feed the dcs before he went to work, then plant them in the boys' room with my laptop to watch back to back Pokemon episodes while I tried to wake up and be capable of looking after them. Eventually managed to peel myself out of bed at 10.00 am, but only made it as far as the sofa, where I have been all day. God bless my lovely dh for having made the dcs all packed lunches or I'd never have coped.

So a pj day all round today and I am for my bed very soon, as can hardly hold my head up or keep my eyes open.

Am definitely seeing a pattern of them occurring after several nights of poor or disturbed sleep and also when/if I am daft enough to eat anything sugary late at night. Last night I had a pack of revels at 10.30 am, the time before it was iirc some Ben & Jerry's ice cream.

I also blame myself for stoopidly saying to dh last night that I seem to be doing better episode-wise, having gone over a week without so much as a hint. I should have known I was tempting fate.

Saw our old vet, who agreed that palliative care and watch/wait is the best course of action with the dog, given her age and general standard of health. Unfortunately, she then became seriously lame on her offside hind leg and was in a lot of pain. Rushed her to the vet expecting a ligament or joint problem, perhaps as a result of slipping on ice in the garden, only to discover that the pain is actually at the top of her shin and could well be a secondary. She's on a week of anti-inflammatories and painkillers to try and work out if it is an injury, but six days in and she still won't put it to the floor. She's happy enough in herself - still eating well and chasing her toys - just on three legs instead of four, but gets very upset and restless late on in the evening when she is due her overnight dose of painkillers. Vets want her in for an xray if she is no better by Monday and to be honest, she won't be because there has been zero improvement so far. Not sure what to do now, xray means day patient treatment, which is what we were trying to avoid with surgery, as she has poor sight and is almost deaf and I really don't think she'll cope. Vet did say that if she is going to have a general for xrays, they may as well excise the tumour at the same time, but it just doesn't feel right. Dh has an appointment on Monday evening to discuss it all with the vet and decide what to do, so I guess we'll have to have some serious discussions over the weekend.

Other than that, ds1 is being a nightmare with all this unstructured time. Easter weekend was really hard going with him, better the last couple of days while we've been out and about but absolutely bloody awful today, just when I really couldn't cope with the chaos he creates. He's not well himself either, having horrible digestive problems again and now seemingly passing blood - can't get a straight answer how much and haven't actually seen it myself but it has pushed his health anxiety through the roof and we are back to constant hand washing (which of course has caused his eczema to flare up) asking if he might have touched or ingested something poisonous and checking if x, y or z imaginary symptom means he has been poisoned or caught something terminal.

It's his birthday next week and he's so ridiculously excited about that, plus stressed at getting his room ready for his best friend to come to tea, plus doesn't do unstructured time, plus all the stress of upcoming SATs and it being his last term at his current school next term - that he is just in freefall really, beyond stressed and not coping on any level.

Things have taken a turn for the worse. I got the day wrong for her follow-up, it was this morning. Dh took her and they rushed her straight in for emergency xrays and possible op while she's still under. Last night and this morning we kept finding spots of blood on the floor where she'd been, but couldn't find a source for it.

Vet who saw her this morning said her leg muscles have completely atrophied, which would suggest she's been off her leg longer than she has - which obviously isn't the case. Also very confusing as the vet last week didn't notice and he's an amazing vet. She Has limped intermittently on it over the past month or so, but we just assumed it was a bit of arthritis, given her age and the fact that she was still happily running around and chasing toys etc.

Another possibility is, would you believe it, neurological damage, but this vet found a big swelling on her rear leg, just below the hock, that runs from the back of her leg right round to the front and almost meets up again at the back. So after a week of anti-inflammatories and not using the leg at all the lump/swelling the fist vet found has actually got significantly bigger, which suggests it could be a tumour, but vet said could also be a fracture.

Basically, we won't know until they've done the xrays. We have to call between 5 and 6 to see what they found and whether or not she's going to be kept in. Bill for this is already at £200 and that's if they don't decide to excise the first tumour while she's under, then if they find anything they need to deal with there and then that could add significantly more. If she has to stay in over a weekend it's going to be £££'s that we just don't have.

Dh is panicking, because we've just bought all the boys' birthday presents (both birthdays are in the next fortnight) and to cap it all his team didn't meet their target, so he's not going to get his bonus, which would have been due this month.

Dcs all at Pokemon League with dh and I am on pins at home alone, have even ironed everything in sight to keep my mind off it. I was really looking forward to having a couple of hours to myself, but can't enjoy it now.

Our other do is really upset as well, he's whining constantly, keeps doing proper full on haunted howls and has planted himself on the bench in front of they bay window to watch for her coming back.

I've now done too much, can't stand on my bad foot and am completely wiped out, so can't keep active to distract myself. Think I might try and immerse myself in a computer game and see if that helps.

It's aggressive osteosarcoma with extensive bone destruction. Vet did say she would refer to specialists and they would be the ones to decide what/whether treatment would be appropriate, but that she would def lose her leg if we went for treatment. Also offered to do further xrays to check for secondaries, but finally suggested not waking her from anaesthetic.

Dh wanted to let her go, but I couldn't do it. We lost my beautiful boxer gsd cross to fibrosarcoma in almost an identical site, under near identical circumstances when ds1 was a few weeks old. He went in for limb removal, had xrays, found multiple secondaries and didn't wake him up. I have never really come to terms with it and he was definitely ready, whereas my girlie is still eating, being cheeky, chasing her toys and enjoying hugs - she's just not ready ... I'm not ready.

So, we're bringing her home at 5.30 and the vets are going to give her palliative care. I don't want her to be in pain, so she's going to be on tramadol and anti inflammatories, but apparently if she falls on her leg she could fracture it and that would be that. I'm guessing we have a couple of weeks at best. Vet said prognosis with this type of cancer is usually a few months max, but that given the advanced stage it would be much less for her.

I am worried that she will just be zonked out on the tramadol and if she is, we will have to think again about whether or not it's fair to keep her going.

I think I must have been in denial, because I am in shock, actually shaking and so many tears.

Until DD woke me up as she wanted to go out with her 'friends'. Who haven't bothered with her at all for 5 weeks now - what's the betting that her 'friends' can't find anyone else who is free to go out with, so they call on DD as a last resort.

And no matter how I explain it to DD, she doesn't get it.

They treat her like a last resort.

Yet she has no social problems...

Why do the school not see that it isn't normal for a 15yo to only go out with their friends once every 5 or 6 weeks outside of school, they just see that she 'hangs around with' a group of girls at school.

But I feel that they just 'tolerate' DD hanging around the edges of their group, but don't make any real effort to include her in social things.

Not really peaceful here. Dd is unsettled by all the dog stuff and had us up three times in the night and ds1 is all over the place.

The dog had a good night though, slept right through and was still snoring - loudly - at 9.00 am.

She woke up when dh took the other dog out, had some chicken and her meds then went outside and brought dh her ball on a rope to chase! Came back in, went back to bed, then got up again to beg for the apple and pear cores when dh was making the dcs porridge.

She's been a bit whiny in the last half hour, but I think that's her meds kicking in and making her feel strange.

Am feeling better that I made the right decision now, as she is still full of life, despite her leg.

I'm not sure if it was me telling the GP I felt he had been negligent that caused him to send off a referral, or the fact that the psychologist said that she felt the GP was being 'difficult' in labelling me 'non-compliant' for not doing a test that I can't get childcare for when there's an alternative...

(She went right downstairs to the GP's after our appointment, so maybe she had a hand in it?!)

Whatever way, I couldn't give two craps, I HAVE a neurology appointment in mid-June!

Not soon enough for DLA, but you can't have everything...

Now I need to work out what to say, start keeping diaries etc...

What should I write down?

Headaches as well as szs? When I feel drained in the morning? Whether my period is due? (As symptoms are always worse then).

Logically, I know I'm 'entitled' to it, as the DVLA would sooner poke themselves in the eyes with sharp pins than give someone with szs that don't have a full dx, and have been there on and off for 9 years, and happen frequently a driving license, but still...