Michael Jackson and Self Love

Why do those who have it all so often lose it all?

It's clear that Michael Jackson was an incredibly talented person who touched so many people. As Jews, we are taught that everything that happens in life is there to teach us something. What can we learn from the life and death of Michael Jackson?

As the reports surrounding the details of his life and death materialized, a picture of a desperate and broken man began to emerge. Although the story-line was so familiar, it nonetheless defied logic. Why do we so often see those who have it all, lose it all? Michael Jackson indeed “had it all” -- talent, fame, fortune, the love and admiration of most of humanity. What went wrong?

I remember from my counseling courses in college that one of the main characteristics of people suffering with addictions is a lack of self-love. In a healthy person, self-love comes from within; it nurtures a person from the inside, and allows him to experience confidence, happiness and a sense of meaning in life. Unfortunately, many people lack the healthy self-love that comes from the inside, and desperately seek out that love through external experiences and pleasures.

What are the mechanics of self-love? How do we nurture it, and how do we betray it? When our actions are congruent with our core moral beliefs, we foster an inner love and respect for ourselves. When we have a vision of what is true and good, and then see ourselves behaving in a way that is aligned with that vision, we respect, appreciate, and value who we are. However, when we behave in ways that contradict our deepest values, we experience shame. That shame chips away at our feelings of self-respect, and self-love. When we go against our inner moral compass, our integrity suffers, and we begin to deplore ourselves.

It is a simple truth that living a value-centered life makes one beloved not only to others, but also to oneself.

Michael’s life was filled with adoration from the crowds, yet it seems he didn't have a scrap of love for himself.

Sadly, all too often celebrities or other famous people fail to couple their fabulously successful public careers with an equally fabulous private life. The stories surrounding Michael Jackson portray a life filled with substance abuse, traumatized relationships, and a fixation on body image. The dissonance between a public and private life in conflict with one another is a breeding ground for shame and self-hate. Michael’s life was filled with adoration from the crowds, yet it seems he didn't have a scrap of love for himself.

Ethics of the Fathers teaches us that jealousy, physical desires, and honor-seeking remove a person from the world. The common denominator underlying is the flawed perception that happiness/fulfillment/love is somewhere out there.

Jealousy persuades us that if we only had that car, or his career or yet another plastic surgery, then we would be happy. An insatiable appetite for physical pleasures has us running amuck in addictions and compulsions whether in food, drinking, or drugs, hoping that it will bring us happiness. Honor-seeking: this is a rejection of ourselves as the true keepers of our own self-worth. In a bid for the self-love we so crave, we betray the love that only we can give ourselves, and seek its counterfeit form: approval from others.

Michael Jackson lived for his fans. Shmuley Boteach quoted him as saying, “I think all my success and fame...I have wanted it because I wanted to be loved. That's all. That's the real truth. I wanted people to love me, truly love me, because I never really felt loved.”

We are all prone to this trap, not just the rich and famous.

When we shift our focus from building our inner world -- the world of values, ideals, and spiritual aspirations -- to the outer world, we become prey to all the suffering that jealousy, physical desires, and honor-seeking can wreak upon a person. We are all prone to this trap, not just the rich and famous.

How do we strengthen our hold on our own inner world and keep our focus on value-based living?

The Rabbis teach us that before a child is brought into this world, an angel teaches the unborn infant the entire Torah. As the child is born, the angel strikes the baby on the lips, causing the child to forget everything he was taught. Why bother teaching the entire Torah, only to cause the child to forget it all?

The answer is that we don’t really forget. Deep in the recesses of our subconscious are the etchings of all the truth and wisdom that we will ever need to know. As we navigate our way through life, we toil to draw upon that deep, inner wisdom and act in accordance with it. This is the experience of having a voice of conscience; the awareness of a gut-feeling of right and wrong. The more we learn Torah and strive to inculcate its vision of greatness, the more we are able to align ourselves with that primal Torah that was taught to us in the womb.

This is also the key to experiencing greater feelings of self-love. When we live out our deepest values and morals, our actions are in alignment with our internal moral compass. From that place, we are beloved to our Creator and we are beloved to ourselves.

Some of us might have nicer material casings to our outer world than others, but everyone can have it all, in the real sense of the word. We can all live lives of incredible inner wealth, because we can strive for real greatness and live from a place of inner truth.

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About the Author

Rabbi Jason Gelber, MS is the co-founder of BD Health Services, INC, a substance abuse facility in Maryland, a member of the Kollel at Ner Israel in Baltimore and also teaches for the Etz Chaim Center in Owings Mills.

Visitor Comments: 38

i was so sad i could not meet him,but i felt him!i still feel him!we missed someone.

(37)
Simcha,
January 3, 2011 6:28 AM

Michael's plastic surgery!

From my understanding, Michael had plastic surgery in order to change the color of his skin due to the fact that he rebelled against his father for abusing him. He was abused by his father from a very young age as a child. For example, when he did not sing to the liking of his father, his father would abuse him. As a child, Michael was a very good singer & entertainer, but not as an adult.

(36)
Nova,
July 15, 2009 7:41 PM

I think that you have it all wrong about Michael. Everyone is looking at what was on the surface - his success. His character - which ironically no one seems to really talk about or even notice - for that matter, was actually very beautiful and he loved everyone. It was those around him who were vile.

(35)
Anonymous,
July 15, 2009 12:34 AM

Michael's Inner Light and Outer Darkness (Pt .2)

Although in talent alone he goes unsurpassed - that aside - no other entertainer will ever achieve what he has because his heart was pure and full of love for others. Unlike those who tried to use, hurt or betray him, he was completely selfless. Even though he was this larger than life figure, he had the sweetness and innocence of a child, who adored children and wanted to love everyone. He was sick with 2 incurable diseases and yet found the time to give of himself to others - always!! Wow! What a paradox from being the greatest performer on the planet and having everything that goes with that status (just imagine) to being one who had childlike innocence and trust, great humility, purity of heart, desired global unity, had love for all humanity (and even those who weren’t human) and yet at the same time carried himself with a mature dignity, unquestionable sophistication, style and pure class – in every way. What an unlikely combination? Only God could come up with someone like that. It's evident all throughout the bible - remember David, Moses, Solomon and Matthew among others. How clever? He always finds the most unlikely ways to show us things about Himself, as well as ourselves. Don’t you think?

(34)
Anonymous,
July 13, 2009 10:58 PM

The Answer to Self-Fulfillment is Studying Torah

I've read countless self-help books to try to not fall into the trap of seeking approval from others, feeling happy by being in a relationship, feeling whole by not being alone, and trying not to feel lonely because I haven't found my bashert yet in which to have intimate relations with. I'd like a relationship with not only value but substance. I'm almost middle aged and feel that life's passing me by. I'd like to find meaning to my life and answers to life's mysteries through the study of Jewish laws.

(33)
Yitzhak Ben Peretz,
July 13, 2009 10:05 PM

Studying the Torah - Intrinsic Value for All of Us

I feel empty inside sometimes and wish I could find that inner happiness that could come from the intense study of the Torah. I've read countless self-help books such as "Feeling Good" and "Intimate Connections" by David Burns, "Feel the Fear.....and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers, "Mars and Venus on a Date" by John Gray, and "Grandma Knows the F Word" by Ted Schredd on how to have fun. I have another book to read called "The Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer to the People You Care For" by Alan Loy McGinnis. I think these books are good for me to read but I still have somethimg missing in my life. Studying Torah may be what I need in addition to absorbing all these self-help books.

(32)
Miriam,
July 11, 2009 7:11 PM

The children are what is important now!

The 3 children that he "adopted" to be his, are what matters now - They are the ones that NOW need the love, attention,and the education for them to be valuable human beings, to be much better than their adoptive dad.They really need our prayers for them to be raised by someone who could give them the moral values to become giants so that they can be the example that their peers will need in this confused and lost world! Our focus should be on these children who are part of the future of this country, and maybe the wold. Can we help them? Pray about it.

(31)
Paula,
July 11, 2009 12:19 PM

Michael Jackson

WE ALLFEEL LIKE G-D TOOK MICHAEL AWAY TOO SOON BUT THAT WAS IN G-D;S TIMING . JACKSON NEVER COULD FIND REAL PEACE HERE ON EARTH DUE TO HIS DAD IN THE VERY EARLY YEARS & THEN IN THE MEDIA LATER. HE WANTED TO GIVE CHILDREN THE LOVE HE NEVER HAD GROWING UP & PEOPLE COULD NOT UNDERSTAND THAT. THE MEDIA MAKE A FREAK OUT OF HIM WHEN TALKING ABOUT HIS PHYSICAL BEING. THIS MAN HAD LUPUS, IT HAS BEEN REPORTED HE WAS BALD ( I HAVE A SON WHO LOST HIS HAIR COMPLETELY WHEN HE WAS 15), MICHAEL HAD A RARE SKIN CONDTION WHICH CAUSED HIS BODY TO TURN WHITE. HE HAD A PROBLEM OF NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT IS LIKE & HE WAS TAKING PAIN MEDICATION FOR HIS PAIN, SO DO I. THIS MAN WAS ONLY HUMAN & SUFFERED DAILY FOR WHAT THE MEDIA WAS WRITING ABOUT HIM. A LOT OF STARS DO NOT PUT THEIR CHILDREN OUT IN THE PUBLIC TO BE SEEN. HE WAS ONLY TRYING TO PROTECT HIS CHILDREN FROM THE CHILDHOOD HE HAD. NONE OF US HAVE PERFECT LIVES. WE ARE G-D'S CREATIONS & WE MUST ALL KNOW THAT OUR HEAVENLY FATHER LOVES US & NOT WORRY ABOUT OTHERS. I HAVE SHED MANY TEARS OVER MJ BUT I KNOW NOW HE HAS THE PEACE HE WANTED. I PRAY THAT THE MEDIA WILL STOP FOCUSING ON HIS LOOKS ON THE OUTSIDE & LOOK AT MJ ON THE INSIDE. HE KNEW WHERE HIS TALENT CAME FROM & SO OFTEN THANKED G-D FOR IT. BY THE WAY I AM A 61 YR. OLD GRANDMOTHER & I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A FAN & BELEVE THAT HE WAS THE BEST ENTERTAINER WHO HAS EVER BEEN OR EVER WILL BE. HE DID SO MUCH FOR THIS WORLD WITH HIS CHARITY GIVING BUT WITH HIS MUSIC ALSO. G-D BLESS THE JACKSON FAMILY & ESPECIALLY THE CHILDREN.

(30)
Anonymous,
July 9, 2009 2:25 PM

comment to 28

after reading what Mr. Anonymous wrote, " He was what G-d made him" is simply incorrect. Man is not a monkey that has no free will to do what is correct. Even from a totally secular ,non- Jewish viewpoint if Micheal acted against what is correct and just, that is his doing and don't blame his lowliness on g-d! If he was busy with drugs illicit relations etc. that's HIS doing. He was given the choice, like everyone else in the world is, but he decided he would be better off acting the way he did. Besides, if outward appearance wasn't so important he wouldn't of been so desperate to change his body the way he did. Besides where did you get the notion that he lived the life that g-d wanted hm to live? Do you really think that g-d wants people to take drugs, and run their bodies down the way he did?! Looking at the situation he misused his body terribly, bashed it up and lost it. If anything the lesson to learn from him was what kind of life not to live so it won't end so fast.

(29)
Shlomit,
July 8, 2009 8:51 PM

A human above all

I agree with Cfrank's comment. I am saddened by the deep scars and lifelong complications that can surface as a result of abuse, whether it occurs in childhood, romantic relationships, the public eye, our own communities, and/or more. Learninig to move beyond the memories and experiences involves a lot and requires the right type of methods probably along with life and spiritual awareness. It's true, though, that your perspective on things and the way you internalize experiences can make a big difference.
Michael was human above all. He had feelings like all of us. Dreams. Frustrations. Prayers. Having watched the memorial I now see that while I was sad at the many challenges he faced in life (even if I have the spiritual awareness of knowing that everything happens for a reason and all that), I recognize that he tried so hard to keep at it and do good and still reach out to others... just SO strong in his own ways. Inspiring.
Last night, I also reviewed the transcript of his interview with Oprah from 1993 at allmichaeljackson.com, where you can find much more about and from him, and I was reminded of his intelligence and kindness, and he was even a bit shy. He thought much about how to make the world better, and he even used a part of his Neverland Ranch to allow ill children to stay over and enjoy the wonders of youth.
There is so much we could learn from him and the many things he had to go through in life. And he's just one example of many, but he happened to have his life in the spotlight. It’s about time people had more discussions on these things... abuse, jealousy, healing, charity, barriers, etc.

(28)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2009 8:35 PM

He was what G-d made him.

Although well written everything here is an assumption. None of us really know how he felt or wether he had self love or not. We know what we saw in the media and that's it. To ask the question "what went wrong?" Is to assume that God somehow did something wrong. God made Michael Jackson the man that he was and only God can and will judge him. I understand and support the lesson of not letting material wealth detract a person from their connection to God however, I do not think measuring a man by "The (media's) stories surrounding Michael Jackson portray a life filled with substance abuse, traumatized relationships, and a fixation on body image," is warranted. Nor do I feel it's appropriate to say "Michael’s life was filled with adoration from the crowds, yet it seems he didn't have a scrap of love for himself." To say that a man does not have a scrap of self love is a bold and audacious claim that warrants evidence. He may not have lived the life we wanted him to live but as I said he lived the life G-d wanted him to live. What he had and did not have, did and did not do was G-d's doing. When G-d decided it was time to take him he did, not when we decided. All I know is the man has touched more people in a positive and uplifting life than anyone here and if all we can do after his death is to fixate on what he failed to do we were not listening to the message that G-d sent him here to deliver. One of those messages being to put aside the negativity, animosity and find the love. We may not like the vessel in which G-d decided to deliver the message but that does not make the truth any less incontrovertible.
(No, I do not idolize Michael Jackson-he was after all only a man)

(27)
John Bean,
July 8, 2009 9:15 AM

Thank you Rabbi

The Rabbi is spot on.Thank you Rabbi I would like to remind people that his father lost a son and no matter all mistakes we make ,it can never be said that his father did not love his children .I know of many parent who simply cannot show love cause they never received love. I think as parents we don't always get right.The time his dad pushed his children was a time black folks had to be a star in oder for the rest of the world to accept them .Please don't be so hard on his DAD .He did what he did,we are parents too and if someone out there can say they got it ALL right at All times WELL DONE TO YOU but can we really say that.Please remember his parents lost a son and no amount of money or fame can bring him back.Lets think about our own children and their mistakes some of whom we as parents played a role. Only my 2cents worth.God Bless Michael Jackson and his immediate family.God bless you and thank you for the wonderful gift you shared with us throught the life of Michael and his sibblings.Michael was so ahead of his time,misunderstood and a lonely soul.Lets give the Jackson family the time to morne their lost and keep them in our prayes and thoughts.Thank you Jackson family and to his father for the good and bad as All things work together for the Good.Lets not sit on our high pedistalls

(26)
Ruth Berman,
July 7, 2009 11:51 AM

Wow!

This article really says it all. Rabbi Gelber is a great writer, and I hope to see more articles written by him.

(25)
c,
July 6, 2009 5:51 PM

Values Based Life

Besides the MJ example, the portions on self-love having as its countfeit approval from others, and how honour-seeking means that we reject ourselves as the true source of our own self-worth are priceless truths. The value of a values-centred life is highly under-appreciated by many people. Great advice.

(24)
Anonymous,
July 6, 2009 1:44 PM

well said!

Thank you for putting in to perspective something so BIG in the news! They put an emphasis on idolizing a man long gone. But we learn from it!!!

(23)
Cfrank,
July 6, 2009 4:32 AM

a damaged child

I think that this reflection on "self love", though well thought out, misses the point entirely of the impact of how verbal, spiritual and physical abuse; bruises the soul and dements the person, sometimes beyond the realm of repair - especially given the excesses of wealth and stardom. I see him as a damaged child that never grew up... a tragedy.

(22)
Malka Koretzky,
July 6, 2009 3:14 AM

How true...

Thank you for a personal message we can take from this public incident. We want more articles by Rabbi Gelber.

(21)
Larry,
July 6, 2009 2:04 AM

Michael Jackson Anti-Semite

Rabbi Geiber,
Not only did Michael Jackson have self-hate he also communicated to his fans his anti-semitic views, Lyrics such as "Jew me, Sue me" and "Kick me, Kike me," in the song which was released as part of the album HIStory
not only are hurtful but were communicated to milliions of his fans.
http://www.adl.org/presrele/ASUS_12/2662_12.asp
http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf/mndwebpages/jackson%20accused%20of%20anti-semitic%20rant

(20)
Savannah,
July 6, 2009 1:02 AM

We all lose something in the end

For years parents has beat their kids, black and white because that is the only way they felt they could get respect from their children. Although the kids didn't receive much love their parents felt it worked. That's why I don't understand why so many seem shocked that his father abused him. Why is the press shocked because he didn't leave his ex-wife anything? Who leaves their ex money? So many people die from lack of love and in the end we all lose something because we can't take it with us.

(19)
Anonymous,
July 6, 2009 12:09 AM

I agree with Berry

Well said Mr. Berry...
It seemed as if the real Michael Jackson had died along time ago.............
SAD story.....
He was elevated too highly and we as humans were not created for such veneration and admiration it ruins us and destroys us. We can look and see the examples of many famous artist who died sad and miserable deaths.

(18)
Daniela,
July 6, 2009 12:04 AM

Berry is right

You didn't say a single word about the abuse he suffered as a child. No such person can ever be seen as "having it all", unless they've healed themselves after many years of therapy.

(17)
Joe D.,
July 5, 2009 10:38 PM

Had it all??

Joe Jackson by all reports was incredibly abusive to Michael. From the time the child was 5, he was expected to perform as an adult. A little research into the background of this very dysfunctional family would have given the article a different perspective. Of course he never felt loved. Michael Jackson was never loved by his father simply for being who he was, but was treated as a cash cow.

(16)
Lirit,
July 5, 2009 10:24 PM

Drug-addicted freak, Berry? Shouldn't we refrain from speaking ill of the dead? The toxicology reports haven't even come back yet, and no matter what was in his system at the time of death, it's another matter entirely as to whether they indicate chronic usage of said drugs.
For myself, his death has been a shock because I loved his music and videos when I was growing up and I feel I've lost a part of my childhood.
But even more upsetting is that he lived and died as a very broken man. The plastic surgeries and eccentricities that were fodder for the tabloids the last several decades are testament to his never-ending quest for love, both from within and without.
I hope he's found peace, and I hope the blessing of his memory is such that we should all be less quick to judge a book by its cover. What a legacy that could be.

(15)
Anonymous,
July 5, 2009 7:59 PM

Man in the Mirror

Can you feel it? his pain...A gifted and talented human being..he was used and abused..I guess his tormented soul couldnt cope with the ugly surrounding anymore...REST IN PEACE MICHAEL..your soul is now back with your Creator..BH

(14)
Anonymous,
July 5, 2009 7:24 PM

BACK OFF!

What makes Michael so different from all the entertainers who alter their breasts, noses,lips, buttocks,stomach?
Because he is Black?
Let's face facts, the entertainment industry is a demanding son-of-a-gun causing men to worry about their hairline, and women to check for crow's feet. What makes women color their hair blonde religiously?
We live in a world that idolizes youth,gentile beauty, and high-voltage sexuality. In the African American community- it is emphasized moreso.
Michael sang of 'the Man in the Mirror". Can we accept that same man?

(13)
Wendy Engles,
July 5, 2009 6:33 PM

so wise

Rabbi Jason,
That was a beautiful article and so wise.
Yasher Coach!
Wendy

(12)
Wendy, Chicago,
July 5, 2009 6:33 PM

"When we go against our inner moral compass, our integrity suffers, and we begin to deplore ourselves." Sorry, Jackson's death doesn't have a thing to do with not measuring up to his moral compass. It has to do with being emotinally destroyed as a child by a father, and looking for that love ever since.

(11)
Rachel,
July 5, 2009 5:41 PM

In my opinion, any attempt to portray Jackson in a positive light or sympathize with him gives a message that if you're a celebrity you are held to a lower standard than the rest of society. He was a twisted lowlife that didn't deserve the attention he's getting.

(10)
catherine,
July 5, 2009 4:32 PM

A tragic Story

He certainly had talent, but could not, in this life, get past himself and the tormenting things that he suffered, mentally and otherwise.
His father makes me ill... already riding on the tail of his dead son.
When I think about Michael Jackson, all I feel is sad. All that money and fame and you know what? It did not help him in the end.

(9)
Barbara,
July 5, 2009 4:16 PM

What IS enough?

All the wealth, fame, talent and possessions will never be enough. Without God you are still empty and in danger of moral bankrupcy. God gave Michael the abilities that he could use to gain wealth and fame. How sad that he never knew God. Michael said that he wanted people to love but what he really needed, was to know that God loved him.

(8)
Eliana,
July 5, 2009 4:08 PM

The Role of Poor Parenting

I find it fascinating that this article did not cover the role of poor parenting in the lack of self-love. In the case of the Jackson family, all of the children--and the mother--suffered from severe verbal and physical abuse from the father. Imagine a father who, when being interviewed on national TV about his reaction to his famous son's death, interrupts the reporter to brag about a recording study he and his buddy just purchased!!! Imagine the effect of such callousness on the ordinary individual, then imagine the extent to which the effects of such callousness (coupled with the history of childhood abuse) are magnified when the child is found to be talented and that talent is milked for all its worth during the child's life. [I'm assuming this "milking" took place through Michael's adulthood, based on the revelation that he used very carefully worded language in his will to make sure that his father did not receive a penny of his money.] We should all learn from the effects of such poor parenting. If it could drive a wealthy man, adored by millions of fans, to reject the natural beauty of his G-d-given skin color and facial features, to withdraw into a child's fantasy land in an attempt to create the happy childhood that was denied him, to dare to say that sleeping with a child is a sign of love (indicating a corrupted view of the love between a child and a parent, which he had never experienced but so obviously longed for)--imagine what it does to the rest of us. Although our men are obligated to have children and we women are brow-beaten into believing that raising a child is the primary reflection of our status as women, I feel that anyone who is not sensitive to the consequences of verbal and physical abuse should fulfill their halachic/social obligations--then let someone else raise that child.

(7)
Maryanne,
July 5, 2009 4:05 PM

Reaponse to Berry's Comment

Growing up in an abusive home is never good but as an adult you do have choices in your behavior. You can choose to play victiim or put it behind you and move forward. Yes there are times when the past comes to haunt you but youdo have options. I grew up in an abusive home and I refuse to play victim and put the majority of the past behind me. I look at it this way. Abuse is about control and once you are away from the abuser you do not need to allow them to continue to control you mentally. If you allow them to do so they win and you will remain unhappy. I once came across this saying: "if you let a person get you then you are allowing them to live in your head rent free. " You learn your lesson if there indeed is one and move on.

(6)
Mims,
July 5, 2009 3:16 PM

My son aged 9 said 'Mummy Michael Jackson has a good voice but his face is so scary looking, I can't look at him' My reply was just listen don't look. Michael did not have everything at all!! If you don't love yourself you can not love anyone!!! It is the most important thing in life, TOO LOVE ONESELF!!!

(5)
,
July 5, 2009 2:51 PM

Jackson touched so many people

Michael Jackson may have touched many people in ways different than the author of this article imagines. He was a very disturbed person. He was allegedly a pedophile. There is nothing we can learn from his deranged behavior and desires.

(4)
Boruch Leff,
July 5, 2009 2:48 PM

Great Job R' Jason!

What a thoughtful and practical piece! You took a highly popular news story and made it a teachable moment for us. Fantastic!

(3)
Berry,
July 5, 2009 2:04 PM

Michael Jackson indeed “had it all”??

I'm following the story of Jackson's death with interest. What do you mean, he had it all? It doesn't seem to me he had anything. Sure, he had some singing and dancing talent. But so do many people. After the mid-80's, he lost his sweet, good-looking nice guy look, and became a freak show. A lot of those dance moves were almost pornographic - always grabbing his private area. And all those plastic surgeries. His face was a frightening mask. I don't know what everyone's so upset about. The talented beautiful young man died years ago, and no one said a word. The bizarre, drug-addicted freak who died now.. . well, I can only hope he is resting in peace now, since he clearly had no peace while in this world. The writer asks what went wrong? I don't have all the answers, but you can start by looking at the abuse you suffered from his father. What child turns out normal who has been abused? A sad story, really.

(2)
Veronica Moskovits,
July 5, 2009 1:23 PM

Exquisite

Sometimes I am asked how comes I have such a particular way of thinking and behaving... I allways smile and say this is what I feel. Rabbi Gelber put in words all of my secular believes. THANK YOU

(1)
onegr8singer,
July 5, 2009 1:22 PM

YEA BABY!

And it doesn't matter how long it takes to "get it"..Ssome roads are longer..but as long as we "wake-up" to what REALLY MATTERS..life then, can be lived -really lived! Thank-you for this beautifully insightful article--and maybe NOW,this so VERY gifted and snsitive artist,MICHAEL will finally KNOW what it is to be LOVED..REST IN PEACE,MICHAEL and THANK_YOU for your HEART and for your MUSIC..B" HASHEM........

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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