31 days

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Before I really get into my blog here....I want to say thank you to everyone who has messaged me, sent goodies, and left comments on my page. I have been reading everyone's blogs and trying to comment when I can. Even if I don't say much or comment much, please know that I am still here and keeping up with you.

3 months ago, I weighed in at 272, my lowest weight so far.

I can't really pinpoint any one thing that triggered my reaction over the last few weeks. I have never been a binge type person. I was always more of a boredom grazer. Over the last 3 months my weight bounced up and down, I just kept re-losing the same weight.

Over the last 3 weeks, something changed. I have been on a non-stop eating binge...in the neighborhood of 2500-3000 calories a day.
I'm not really sure of the calorie amount because I haven't tracked anything. I got the estimate a few days ago by putting in everything I ate the day before into the tracker. It came to just under 2800 calories.
Thanksgiving day was actually a good calorie day for me...oddly enough, the 'big eating' days have never really been a problem for me, its just the rest of the year that is the problem.

I still weigh myself every few days. This morning, I was 289. I put on 17 pounds in 3 months...most of it, 11 pounds, was within the last month or so. I un-did a year and a half's worth of work by half in such a short time.

I could name off a thousand reasons why I am out of control, I've been unemployed for 5 months now, I have no transportation of my own, my beau has been in a lot of pain lately and we have been doing nothing but snapping at each other...I am really doubting that I can handle taking care of him much longer because of my depression. My depression has been FIERCE lately.

To top everything off, my beau forgot my birthday yesterday. I know he is in a lot of pain every single day, but it still hurt. I'm just trying not to think about it too much, I'm not 5 years old anymore. I just had this stupid idea that since I was going to be 42 (well, I am 42 now), that I was going to be the answer to the universe...silly movie reference, but for some reason I thought that something special was going to happen.

I had issues with self injury years ago and I am wondering if this isn't a new way to hurt myself without actually 'hurting' myself. I desperately need to be back on medication, I am just tired of fighting my mind all of the time.
I don't have insurance until January 1...then I will have insurance through the state or something they sent me in the mail and I am just trying desperately to hold on until then.

What can I say that hasn't already been said. Happy belated birthday. You have been through so much this last six months, things have got to start going right soon. I am sure your beau didn't mean anything, but it hurts. He has been through a lot too.

I'm so sorry everything is so hard right now.... And sorry I missed your birthday!! 42!!! Think of it this way - you will be 42 for a whole year. Any time during the year amazing things can happen. Just because they didn't happen ON the day doesn't mean they aren't coming.

I hope you can be well when you get insurance. I hope it will help. I know there is nothing I can say to "help" with depression. I just will keep wishing things get better for you, and your beau.

You're in a tough spot. But it's important to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can't control your beau's pain, and you can't control your unemployment right now. What CAN you control? Your nutrition and your exercise. I know it's really hard to want to do much of anything when you're unemployed. But why not say you have a "part-time job" that is your health?

Happy Belated Birthday! I am sorry to hear things are not going well. When somebody is in chronic pain they have such a hard time dealing with anything else. I am sure it was nothing personal on your beau's part. I will be hoping things will turn around soon for you. Try to enjoy a nice mug of hot cocoa. Hang in there!