Marine One Crew Wishes President Would Shut the Fuck Up Already

WASHINGTON — Both Marine One pilots waiting on the White House South Lawn wish the President would shut the fuck up and get on the goddamn aircraft so they can power the fucking engines and get this heat going, sources close to the pilots confirmed.

The crew chief, who has been standing at the position of attention for 30 minutes while the president goes on about some bullshit agreement with Russia, is also ready “to get this show on the road, get back to Quantico, and finish his Walking Dead binge,” the source told Duffel Blog.

The engines of the VH-3D Sea King, the VIP version of the aircraft Sikorsky designed to fuck up Soviet subs, are usually sufficient to drown out most politicians, other sources say, which is why Marines were chosen to operate the aircraft. “But this goddam clown loves to hear himself talk, and doesn’t really give a shit if anyone can hear him,” one of the pilots said.

“It isn’t just about the engines, either,” according to Marine Corps Spokesman Col. Lionel Hart. “Marines are the only bastards tough enough and professional enough to sit quietly in the freezing cold while the President flaps his cock holster.”

The aircraft’s co-pilot, however, disagrees.

“I’d rather be smoking fuckers in Afghanistan,” he said. “I thought this job would get me laid, not a beer belly and hemorrhoids.”

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Rob is a veteran of the Iraq and Afghan wars. He performs free labor for The Duffel Blog, because the codes of conduct say he must. Honestly, he doesn't know how he got caught up in all this. Help. Seriously ... please help. These guys are [email protected]$king nuts. #SatireIsReal