Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I'm still around. Reading your blogs. Practicing yoga. My challenge? Well, I did 24 classes in 27 days. I have no excuses for not making 30. I could have made 30. All of the things that have been blocking me from completing challenges are still there. The thing is, they are inside of me. I can't seem to figure out how to get out of my own way lately. I feel a bit lost, a bit adrift. So when you are a tiny boat being tossed around the giant waves of your own making, what do you do? You go deep. Dive down....deep, deep, deep, until you are laying on the bottom in the peaceful stillness, far away from the waves. The only place I know where to do that is yoga. So I keep dragging my mat back into the studio.

Tonight was an amazing practice with Dray leading us. I had two girls to the right of me and one to the left that were all very strong in their practices. I noticed, during standing head to knee we all kicked out and looked like steady upside down letter L's, breathing in sync, waiting for the instruction to bring our elbows down. It was beautiful. I felt connected to those three women in that moment. It was an incredible feeling.
Recently I stumbled across a poem that I am IN LOVE with. I want to share it with you.

She let go.

"She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go... She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore."
- Ernest Holmes

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Tonight was 6pm with Dray. There were SIXTY yogis in the room. Kneeling in the second row on the side of the room that I don't normally go to (far from the door!) and looking around I felt a low hum of anticipation. Energy was circling, almost visible, like a thin smoke, weaving around the yogi's and yogini's kneeling at attention. Dray started the class out with a little pep talk and then got right into it. I stood up expecting to be in the way of most people behind me and admired how everybody was staggered nicely, getting a little slice of the mirror. I met my eyes in the mirror, noting it was already pretty humid and remembered all I need is to breathe. Normally during a packed class you experience somebody crashing into you because they don't understand staggering properly. Not tonight. It was effortless. Bodies just moved into place and continued on into posture. There was hardly any room, yet there was plenty of room. We were packed in, yet instead of feeling like sardines I felt like I do at night when I crawl into bed and burrow down into my comforter. I felt safe. I felt energy. I felt....dare I say...love? I know, it sounds corny. But it was there, in that room tonight. Yes, there were 60 yogis and 1 incredible teacher in that room, but really just 1 body and 1 voice.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Wow. What a rollercoaster this challenge has been.
I get knocked down.
Then I get up again.
Then I get knocked down.
Then I get up again.
There is no consistency to my classes....I am all over the board. A great class, then the yoga truck runs me over the next day, then a good one, then the yoga truck again. It's been so different than anything I've experienced previously. I must say it's good though. I'm sure it's because I did so little yoga the past year. This feels right. I have 8 days to complete 30 days and would need to do 3 doubles if I'm going to make the 30 in 30. I haven't been feeling good enough to conquer a second class right after any of my 6pm's. I keep thinking if I feel good one night I'll just stay and do 8. I'm not "planning" my double because I'd rather not put that pressure on myself given how often the yoga truck has been tormenting me this time around!
We'll just see what happens. I'm most likely going to go for 60 and would have more time to make up the three missed classes anyway. 30 just feels too early to end. It's already just 8 days away and I haven't even hit my stride yet!
So tonight was 6pm with Marie and I got knocked down again. It was pretty humid and after standing series was over I really started to feel it. My mind went bonkers and I actually was wishing I could leave. "You always stay in the room Michelle" drifted around in my head and I realized that after 4 years of bikram I've left the room a total of 3 or 4 times at the most. So yes, I stay in the room. That thought got me through the rest of a very tough session.
Phew!