045 - Instructions for Microsoft's New TV Dinner ProductThanks
to Mike Baker and his brother for passing this very scary news item along.

INSTRUCTIONS
FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT

You
must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept
and honor Microsoft's rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone
else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's
rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner
and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If
you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set
the oven using these keystrokes:

\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//

Then
enter:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme

If
you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will
set itself and cook the dinner.

If
you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner
(found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired
level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time
and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be
forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must
be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner
from the oven and enter:

ms.worthless.nogood/tryagain\again/again.bozo

This
process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and
then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware
vendor.

Many
users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the
dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty.
These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in
your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners
are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety
is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp
and they will explain that you really don't want another variety.
Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft
has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken
dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size.

Excess
chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft
approved packaging.

Microsoft
promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version
has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft
dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your
freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer
probably should have been defrosted anyway.