Figuring out the in betweens

Month: January 2016

I was never the type of girl who dreamed about her wedding. In fact, I went through most of my childhood doubting the institution of marriage. So, as a girl who has never dreamed about her wedding, doubted the institution of marriage, why the heck am I (of all people) engaged?

First, I want to give major, super kudos to my fiancé (for even getting me to call him that). Throughout my whole relationship, he has sprinkled my life with glittery unicorn poop (that substance that makes you believe in magic and dreams). He is the reason why I believed enough in myself to quit making a living to pursue my passion. He is the first man I have met to make me believe in the institution of marriage and to trust my journey through life with. The day of our engagement, he vehemently asked me to please believe that I deserve to be treated nicely to shake the stubborn self-doubter off my shoulders. And it is without a doubt that I had known since the first few months of our relationship, that I want to marry him. However, 2 years of solid evidence that I have met “The One” would not put a dent into my 25 years of never having ever dreamed of having a wedding.

The most sobering moment of my relationship with, was the moment when my boyfriend proposed to me. It was not a sugar plum and fairy dance, I had an “Oh Crap!” moment. Because, the reality is, now we have to deal with every single one of each other’s issues. Whether these issues are personal, relationship, financial, etc. We have to support one another no matter how outlandish one of our dreams may be. We have to tolerate and balance each other and when there is darkness in one of our corners, the other has to bring light. We had already been working so hard in our relationship, but now we have to work even harder. Most importantly we have to forgive and accept ourselves completely in order to forgive and accept each other. This is where, the “Oh Crap!” kicked in. I do not doubt the amount of love and acceptance I could give to others, but the love I give myself can sometimes be subpar. So, to be able to give the limitless love that is required in a marriage, I have to stop limiting my love for myself.

To me, getting engaged hasn’t been this celebratory milestone in my life or a secret unlock achievement of “YAY, I’ve made it!”. Obviously, it is a celebration of love, but that celebration is usually carried on daily (super cheesy, but super true). The best thing I have learned from this engagement is that there is no such thing as “the right time” “the perfect moment” or “when you’re ready”. Life, just happens. I didn’t get engaged just to realize life is perfect. I got engaged and realized that my life is kind of a cluster F, and freaked the F out even more because now I’m going to have to bring somebody else deeper into my cluster. But, if I had stopped to say “Don’t come into my cluster F just yet because I’m not ready”, I would probably be saying that for the rest of my life.

A little over a year ago, I decided to drop my career in the hospitality industry to focus on my childhood dream of becoming a teacher. My vision a little over a year ago went something like this. I’ll go through 18 months of schooling that I will enjoy while trying to make connections with teachers. This will be easier than my life in the hospitality industry because I love school and learning. My family, friends, boyfriend, and strangers will be so amazed by my passion. This is what I will call, the Unicorn Plan. I assumed by the time I quit my old job, I would bounce back to my old self in no time and flourish like all of my unicorn friends.

Today, I sat on the floor of my new living room crying my eyes out. I have a little under 6 months of the program left and this is how my plan is feeling. I got rear ended by a wonderful human *sarcasm* last week. My car is totaled. I’m so broke from going into a career that is notorious for underpaying and I can’t decide whether or not I should buy or lease a car. I still give way too may *ahem* concerns about what my parents want me to do to feel like a real adult. I have assignments piling up, I have things to tidy at the place I just moved into with my *gasp* now fiancé. I am engaged (!) and want to be excited about planning a wedding, but also feeling terrified that I will not have a job next year. So, not feeling very unicorny right now. Luckily, I still have my 3 F’s (friends, family, and fiancé) feed me encouragement while tread this water as every stranger who walks by tells me that I’m going to drown.

However, the one thing that brings me here is this decluttering I have done before the move. Before my purchase of Marie Condo’s book: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up… I had decluttered and tidied the F out of my things. Now I have the book and will have to see what tips she has to continue on my new obsession of becoming tidy AF. This is not a shameless book plug however, it’s just the journey that brought me to the realization that now I have the time to declutter my brain by doing what I love most. Writing. Not just any kind of writing- writing about my experiences, feelings, observations, and memories. And not just writing about them, throwing them into oblivion so others can judge me find, share, and create perspectives.

Adulthood for me right now, is this paradox of successes, failures, and uncertainty. I hope to share with you (whatever audience that may entail) how I am navigating. And to those of you who think getting engaged is this adulthood final destination to allofyourdreamscomingtrue should probably just leave now. More on that topic next time…