Omega Prime

Hey y’all. So it’s WELL into 2015 and I’m just now getting around to Omega Prime. Recently, I’ve been seeing a lot of the Prime Family (good times). Optimus comes over to train for football with The Destroyer, so I get to hang with Mama Prime and Omega.

This kid. I’m pretty sure he’s like, thirty, but his body still thinks he’s nine. He is so much his own person it’s frightening. And I know it’s frightening because I have one of those and she terrifies me. Because, seriously, what can you do with a kid you can’t brainwash into being the perfect human being you could never be? Oh well, guess that’s why you have extras. (Looking at you, Kid Sensation.)

Real talk, Omega Prime makes my day on a regular basis. He always, ALWAYS checks out the oldest and most obscure books in the library. Books that say stuff like, “One day people will even have computers in their homes,” and “Negro running back and hero O.J. Simpson”. And he thoroughly enjoys them without giving one fig what anyone thinks.

He brought this toy out in public:

INAPPROPRIATE.

The other day I asked him if he’s gotten his stuff for school yet. Now, most kids I know would give me a “not yet” or a “ My mom said we’re going this weekend.” Omega Prime looks me dead in the eye—while sitting right next to his mother, mind you—and says, “Nope. Nothin’.” And that was it. End of sentence, end of explanation. Like, “Nope. My parents obviously don’t care about my education OR the state of my clothing and quite frankly it was a bit classless of you to bring it up.” Welp, put me in my place, didn’t he? (Also, I happen to know the Primes care quite a bit about education. Mama Prime is a teacher, for goodness’ sake. She educates other people’s kids. On purpose. And her kids don’t look like they wandered in from a hobo camp. Again, looking at you, Kid Sensation.)

I’m pretty sure Omega’s mission in life is to make sure Optimus knows exactly what he thinks of everything he does and says. While I know he looks up to his big brother, I have to admit: I’ve never seen anyone shake their head at one person so much.

He knows how to raise his eyebrows with impeccable comedic timing, like a freaking Marx brother. And I doubt he even knows he’s doing it.

He said, and I quote, “They hate us cause they ain’t us.” And meant it.

So, I’ve done what any parent would do. I’ve conspired with Mama Prime to have Omega marry Wondergirl. That way I’ll have in-laws I like, gorgeous grandchildren, and get to benefit from their complete world domination. I fully expect them to send their respective mothers on luxury cruises wearing lots of diamonds. It’s the least they could do.