6 Steps to Rise Above Rejection and Be a Better Writer

Let’s face it, rejection happens. We get rejected in every facet in our lives.

For writers, that rejection happens when we send out a pitch that isn’t accepted. Sometimes it isn’t even acknowledged. Then it’s easy to fall into a cycle of negative thinking. Rejection becomes fear becomes lack of effort, or giving up entirely.

As a mental health counselor, I say feel the rejection. Many posts written on rejection teach writers how to get past it. How you can shake it off or let it roll off your back.

As a person who has dealt with rejection in the past (and has low self-esteem to boot), it’s hard for me to do that. Even more so, I find that those two sayings are crap. It’s like telling me to sweep my feelings under a rug.

Why is it so hard for some people to feel rejection? Because it royally sucks! Rejection leaves you thinking negative thoughts. You focus on them… way too much. How do you move on?

These six steps will help you get beyond rejection in your freelance blogging career and any other aspect of your life:

Step 1: Acknowledge It

I tell clients that creating change is impossible without knowing what the problem is.

If you were rejected by your dream job, admit it. If you didn’t deliver your pitch on time, recognize it. It happened.

Step 2: Feel the Feeling

Admitting that rejection happened isn’t the same thing as feeling the emotions associated with it. Let yourself think all the negative thoughts you want. It’s a natural process for us to review things.

Unfortunately, when we’re rejected —or sometimes even when we’re not— we go over everything. We evaluate and analyze. Don’t do that yet. Sit with the rejection feeling for a while and then try the next step.

Step 3: Make a Crap List

The crap list is where you put all your negative thoughts. If you’ve completed the last step, you have everything you need to get that list started. Just grab a pen and paper. (You can type it up and print it out instead — you’ll need a hard copy for the next step.)

Write down everything that comes to mind. I call this “getting the junk out”. I do this when I’m feeling incredibly hard on myself (just did it yesterday). Everything that’s bugging me goes on this list. “I’m not a good writer.” “I suck.” “Why does this keep happening to me?” When you get the junk out, you have more room in your mind to look at the rejection objectively. At the very least, all the crap you’re thinking is put on paper and out of your brain.

Step 4: Rip Up the List

I’ve used this technique with some of my clients. Sometimes writing the crap list isn’t enough to make you feel better. Honestly, it’s not about feeling better right away. It is simply a healthy way to clear your mind. Rip up that list.

Take your time. Start wherever you like. I like making long strips out of the paper and then tearing it into small thumb-sized pieces. I find that when I do this I maximize the benefits.

The physical action of ripping the paper allows you some contact with your rejection. One thing that I like about kids is that they just do. They act out their feelings because they can’t always verbalize their anger. But we adults lose the skill of living our feelings. Ripping up the list allows you control over your anger about the rejection and helps you act out in a healthy way. You don’t hurt yourself or anyone else — just a page or two of paper.

Step 5: Talk About It

Sometimes, any or all of the above isn’t enough. You can talk about the rejection with a pal. Why does this help? The other person can point out the things we cannot see. They can show you your “blind spot”.

Being a therapist allows me to fill in the “blind spot” for my clients. I can point out their strengths and show them things they may have missed. For example, a friend can show you that the closing date for the pitch was a week before you sent it in. Or that friend could point out that the market closed down. Having a pal to talk to about your rejection with can bring you a different perspective.

Step 6: Keep Going Forward

When I started this post, I was feeling bad that I hadn’t written it already. I promised it to Sophie sometime in June, so I felt terrible that I hadn’t done it yet. Along with some other projects that I’ve not started.

What did I do? I sat down at the computer to write this. I didn’t know how this would turn out; I only knew that I had to get started. Even when you’re rejected, you can start something new. And when you do, you might be surprised at what happens next.

There’s no real formula for overcoming rejection. Everyone gets rejected at some point. And even if you’re stuck in it, it’s part of the process.

I may get stuck in negativity, but doing things despite that allows me to control how rejection affects me.

For some, rejection fuels their energy and pushes them to try harder.

For others, rejection slows down the process. And for others yet, rejection stops them in their tracks.

If you need to break free of rejection, only you can decide what works for you.

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About Heiddi Zalamar

Heiddi Zalamar is a licensed bilingual counselor and mental health blogger in NYC. Most recently, she was the voice at "Life with Bob," sharing her insights about mental health while parenting a child with ADHD. For more info, check out HeiddiZalamar.com.

Interesting post Heiddi. However, I personally take a bit of a different approach when it comes to rejection.

Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of rejection (e.g. through things such as a “crap list”) I find it far more helpful to focus on the positive aspects.

When I ruminate on the mistakes and think of all the bad/negative things, I find that this reinforces a negative mindset.

Wouldn’t it be much better to write a list of the positive things? Of the ways that you can improve, instead of looking at the negative aspects?
I’ve found that people who focus on the positive aspects of themselves are more likely to build up feelings of self efficacy and positive feelings about themselves!

Admittedly, I am NOT a counselling psychologist, although I do have a degree in psychology. Just my two cents, and thanks for an interesting article!

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I appreciate that you look for the positive. However, this post came from my own challenges seeing the positive in rejection. While the positive technique works for some, it doesn’t always work for others – myself included.
In my work as a therapist, my task is to help kids and teens explore negative feelings (which trigger negative behaviors) and release them. I feel that looking at the positive does not allow me to really let go of the negativity, but instead pushes the negativity down within me. This is the reason why I wrote this post – to give support to those for whom focusing on the positive does not help. Thanks so much for your comment. Cheers.

Thanks for the post, Heiddi! I wrote a similar one here on BAFB about how Jedi skills can help you overcome rejection. 🙂 I found your last point was one I also use frequently (and also mentioned in my post) — sometimes you just have to DO something. I deal with seasonal affective disorder, and during those times I literally have to just do one thing in order to keep moving forward, and it’s how I manage to move past… well, basically everything!

Nice to ‘meet’ you. I read your post and really enjoyed it. As I mentioned in the post, I’ve had issues with anxiety and self-esteem, so following the tips has helped me refocus and get back in the game when I really don’t want to. Sometimes, just doing something (like the Nike commercials) is what gets me feeling more positive. But, I have to let go of the crap to get there. Thanks for the kind words and hope to see you soon. 🙂

I dunno if I agree fully with Darryl. Feeling rejection is a part of me. I’ve never been someone that can shrug it off. Putting my emotions into words help the feelings become real and help me get through them, instead of ignoring them and having the emotions come up at inopportune moments. Ripping the paper gives my feelings a finality, a fresh new start. I can walk away. I agree that you also need to look at the positives. I actually use both Heiddi and Daryl’s method. I first write what I’m feeling, which is usually raw and angry. I rip it. Then, I start rationalising why I feel angry, or whatever intense emotions, and why who or whatever happened, did what they did. The third draft is the most rational piece, looking at the positives, accepting yourself, or forgiving you or someone; whoever could have hurt you. It helps. My life coach gave me that method. She’s not a therapist but she has definitely helped me overcome my fears

Glad you enjoyed the post. I hear you about rejection. As a therapist, I’m about feeling the feelings. That being said, Daryl had good points as well. But, not everyone responds to the same thing in the same way. Sounds like your life coach gave you some good tips. Thanks for the comment. Cheers.

While I couldn’t say this technique would be for me (I haven’t put myself out there enough to cop rejection yet haha as far as writing goes) I definitely agreed with how kids can just act out their anger vs putting it into words and can see the correlation between an adult using the list.

Sometimes it would be nice to just be a 13 year old again who didn’t care and just say everything he felt rather than think of others when angry as they tend to get it all out and feel 100% better afterwards but I guess that’s growing up and learning to deal with it all!

Don’t we all wish that we could do things like kids do. I know I’d love to not pay bills, laugh more and play. But, alas, it is what it is. Glad you liked the post. And put yourself out there some time; you never know what may come from that. 🙂

I love the physical nature of destroying the paper. I’m usually pretty good about shaking things off by myself but I think I will try this method. I got my first guest blog pitch rejected weeks ago and unforunately I’ve fallen into the “paralyzed” category. I’ve been so afraid of being rejected again that I haven’t done another since. I’ve even written a blog post about it (even though it isn’t published it felt good to at least get it out). For some reason it has been so easy to keep making excuses about why I have better things to focus on. Maybe ripping up my crap list will help.

Thanks for reading. I love the physical aspect as well. I regularly write with pen and paper to my posts done. I feel connected to it as well as to my emotions. Try writing down over and over again how paralyzed you feel. You may find that you’ll get bored of it and move through the emotions. Unfortunately, we feel rejection in many areas of our lives – not just in our work, but relationships, activities, etc. Rejection will happen. But, it’s what you do with it that counts. Try the tips and see if they help. Feel free to reach out if you need support (Step #5). 🙂 Cheers!

Hi Heiddi,
Nice post. I am just starting out in this field and as of now I had only rejections. Still waiting for that first ‘yes’.
Getting over rejections is fine, can you write something for people like on landing a decent first gig?

Thanks for reading. If you check out the section to the right hand side of the page where it says “Get Hired”, you’ll find the info you need to get that first gig. My first yes didn’t come until two years after I began writing for money. It takes hard work and time. You already have the tools you need to succeed; you just need to keep the stuff that works and tweak what needs to improve. 🙂 Good luck!

Thanks for the kind words. You’ve got a rejection callus? I like that – it means you’re working hard to get your name out there. I have to admit the same thing. I get bowled over too. Glad you enjoyed the tips. Cheers!

“Even when you’re rejected, you can start something new”. Thanks for this line Heiddi. I think it is one of the simplest and effective way of dealing with rejection. I’ve had many rejected proposals and queries. Thinking in line with your sixth step has kept me in this business and keeps me hopeful.

Thanks so much for the kind words. I appreciate it. One thing that I get stuck on is what I’ve done wrong. So if I get rejected, I end up thinking about my mistakes. If I write despite feeling that I messed up, two things happen. One – I get something on the page and two – I prove to myself that I’m not a screw-up all the time. Thanks again for the comment. Cheers!

Hi Heiddi,
Great post, and I want to say better late than never:)
When it comes to rejection, I do also have a bit of a different approach, except for the “not feeling” thing. I feel it, and there aren’t any rugs big enough to sweep under when it comes to negative feelings – at least for me. I acknowledge it and accept it. Having a post published about rejection sure feels good- because you get it off your chest- the negative and positive as well as what you have learned. It is a bonus if you wrote about your rejection for another publication – and it got published:) I also face the reality and frequency of it. Not just for me, but for every writer and other professionals who have to go through it on a regular basis. We probably get rejected less than many actors, for instance:) Sometimes dancing to fast music also helps.

Hi Pinar, thanks for your comment. I think it’s great that you face you rejection head-on and you know that they happen. When I wrote this post, it was a collection of my experiences with rejection. Because I’m simply not the “face-it; accept it” type. I get stuck in it. With the tips, I helped myself get beyond rejction in a more strategic way because the abstract – ‘get over it’ thinking just doesn’t work for me. Thanks for the tip of dancing to music. I think it’s a great way to burn off negative energy. Cheers!

Great post! Rejection can get the best of us if we let it and you provided some great tips to move past rejection.

Before I dove into freelance writing I was a grant writer for many years. I was used to rejection, so I guess I got that out of the way. I submitted my first short story to a few magazines and the first rejection letter I received had a nice hand written note on it, I was so excited I framed it.

Did you know the book “The Help” was rejected 60 times before it was published! 60 times…rejection is a way to learn and grow. In my opinion!

Thank you for the comment and the kind words. It’s great to hear that you’ve moved past rejection via grant writing. I agree that it is a good way to learn on the job on how to deal with rejection. It is absolutely a way to learn and grow. Thanks again. Cheers!

I’m going to have to take your advice about writing down that list. I don’t think people realize how badly guilt and sad feelings drag us down, and potentially having us miss out on opportunities. Great read by the way!

Thanks for the comment. I agree that there are those that don’t realize how rejection can slow us down. Especially those with a pre-disposition for it such as low self-esteem and/or depression. Thank you so much for the compliment. Have a great day!