Video Madness: Friday the 13th in 7 Minutes

Ok children. As you are all aware, today is Thanksgiving and you shouldn’t actually be in class. I apologize for this misunderstanding. Your Professor had a nice Thanksgiving themed lesson prepared for today, but it didn’t exactly work out. So, like you, he now wants to get out of here as soon as possible – not before we give thanks and get to some madness however.

Today, I would like to take this opportunity to thank the internet, without which your Professor would not have a column to write to you all in, nor would he know how to construct his own CAT E5 cables, play the riff to Iron Maiden’s “The Trooper,” know much at all about the Phillip LeMarchand, or have such wonderful access to free p*rnography.

I’m not sure about you kids out there, but your Professor remembers a time when the Internet did not exist. Videos were rented at stores, bets were settled with Video Hound’s instead of IMDB, pizzas were ordered with those large yellow books that sit on your front porch all year, and school reports were researched with microfilms and Funk and Wagnalls (that’s an Encyclopedia.) Also, things like today’s madness are created and dispersed across a series of wires and signals, reaching all with the ability to tap into the magic. When I was a lad watching these movies in my bunk bed I would never have dreamed that one day someone could do this and make it available for everyone to enjoy.

Despite rising unemployment, loan troubles, Indian hotel sieges, global conspiracies, UFO abductions, and general fear mongering, it’s still a pretty awesome time to be alive. Hey, at least you don’t have to sh*t in an outhouse, right? Well, some of us at least. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!