Coming Out of the Blue

Hard on the heels of the resignation of a special advisor to Foreign Secretary William Hague amidst allegations of an ‘inappropriate relationship’ between the two men, the coalition government has been rocked by another sex scandal, with claims that senior minister is secretly heterosexual. “He’s the least homosexual gay man I’ve ever met – he had full penetrative sex with me at least a dozen times,” Sylvia Thwackett, a former aide to Vernon Dubber, Minister for Sexual Diversity, revealed this week in the popular tabloid the Daily Norks. “And I’m not talking about anal sex, either, It was the real thing – believe me, he drove his pink bus all the way up Shooter’s Hill without any request stops!” The Minister has vehemently denied the claims, insisting that he is completely homosexual. “I can assure everyone that I am as bent as a hair pin,” he told a press conference. “I may have had some straight experiences when I was younger – the odd fumbled breast at university – but these were just youthful experimentation which merely served to convince me of my true sexual orientation.” Dubber added that he remained committed to his partner of ten years – an interior designer named Bernard – a commitment which had been confirmed in a civil ceremony in Brighton two years ago, and had no intention of leaving him for a woman.

Despite his denials, doubts have been cast upon Dubber’s political future in the wake of Thwackett’s claims. “There’s no doubt that these allegations have compromised him, possibly to the extent of making his position untenable,” opines Dan Pitcher, political correspondent of top gay magazine High Greek. “How can a man apparently so ashamed of his true sexuality that he feels it necessary to hide it possibly preside over a department concerned with sexual diversity? There are a lot gay, lesbian and transsexuals out there who really won’t approve of his secret lifestyle choices. I’d say he’s definitely lost the trust of that community.” If Dubber is forced to resign, it will be a huge blow to Prime Minister David Cameron’s attempts to change the image of the Conservative Party. “Becoming gay-friendly was an integral part of Cameron’s strategy of ‘detoxifying’ the Tory brand,” muses Pitcher. “By appointing an openly gay Conservative MP as Minister for Sexual Diversity, he was hoping to finally put the spectre of Section 28 and the idea that the party is homophobic, to rest.” Pitcher also believes that the revelations about Dubber’s private life could place strain upon the Conservative’s coalition with the Liberal Democrats. “It’s been widely rumoured that the establishment of a Ministry for Sexual Diversity was a sop to the Liberal Democrats,” he says. “They only accepted the appointment of a Tory to head it because he was clearly gay – if it turns out he’s really straight, a lot of Liberal Democrat MPs are going to feel betrayed and start asking what else the Tories have lied to them about.”

Despite the potential damage to the government, many Conservative backbenchers have welcomed Thwackett’s revelations. “I must say, that it reassuring to know that Dubber is really one of us, and that this whole gay marriage business is just a sham,” declares Hubert Butt-Stickler, MP for Birmingham Back End. “Obviously, he shouldn’t resign – why can’t a straight man represent gays, lesbians and all the other deviants? It’s just sexual discrimination, pure and simple, to imply otherwise.” A significant number of Tory MPs are unhappy with their leadership’s embracing of sexual diversity. “It’s quite clear that they’re just pandering to the Liberals and threatens to dilute traditional Tory values,” says Butt-Stickler. “We’re not saying that we’re homophobic – damn it, you can’t have as many former public school boys in your ranks as we have, without having a few of that ilk – it’s just that we believe it to be a private matter, not a lifestyle choice. Our homosexuals look outwardly normal – sober dark blue business suits rather than frilly shirts and pink trousers – and they do their thing discreetly behind closed doors, rather than having anal sex in the street with rent-boys. That’s the trouble, the Liberals have too many of the other type of homo and want to force this sexual diversity on the rest of us – believe me, most queers don’t want to be diverse and limp-wristed, they just want to have sex with men.”

Nevertheless, Pitcher remains convinced that the government will continue to promote sexual diversity within its ranks. “The ‘pink vote’ is increasingly important,” he claims. “Traditionally, the Liberals and Labour have been seen as more gay-friendly than the Tories, with good reason.” Indeed, the Conservative party has not always been so tolerant of alternative lifestyles. “Just look at the fate of Harvey Proctor (an MP who allegedly interpreted the term “taking the whip” too literally),” says Pitcher. “He was ignominiously dropped from Parliament and consigned to obscurity.” Pitcher also points to the 1971 ‘three in a bed’ scandal which destroyed the career of heavily moustachioed junior transport minister and buffoon Sir Reginald Wheelbarrow. Scandalous photographs of him naked in bed with Rugby commentator Eddie Waring and popular wrestler Big Daddy were published in a national newspaper. Although the photos were later found to have been faked by a market gardener from Stowe (disgruntled by the minister’s proposed fruit tariffs), the damage had already been done with the unforgiving Tory grassroots.

Pitcher suspects that the attempted ‘outing’ of Hague is an attempt by the government to sexually re-balance the cabinet following the compromising of Dubber. “It’s essential that they have a high-profile gay cabinet member,” he says. “Hague’s the obvious choice – all that exaggerated machismo: the interest in martial arts, the boasts about how much he can drink – there have long been rumours about his sexuality.” Pitcher recalls that only last year a British tabloid printed the lurid allegations of a young German man known only as ‘Joachim’, who claimed to have worked as a house-boy for Hague whilst he was Tory leader. Characterising Hague as generous and sincere, Joachim described working in his household as like “Being in a golden shower of love.” He also highlighted Hague’s penchant for giving gifts to his friends. He apparently once gave Joachim a perfect pearl necklace. “It was so personal”, said the German, “I was touched – but it didn’t really suit me, so I gave it to my mother.” When Joachim finally left Mr Hague’s employ, he was presented with a highly personal gift. “He gave me his ring,” Joachim told the tabloid, wiping away a tear, “at first it was too tight, but after I lubricated it with vaseline my finger slipped in quite easily. William smiled when I finally got it all the way in!” Joachim was subsequently exposed as a fantasist who had previously sold stories to tabloids claiming to have been the late Queen Mother’s personal dildo warmer. “Even if Hague refuses to ‘cross the floor’, so to speak, in order to safeguard the future of the coalition, the Tories already have a back-up plan in place,” asserts Pitcher. “Why else do you think that Prisons Minister Crispin Blunt, despite being happily married with two children, suddenly decided to out himself as gay? Believe me, it won’t be long before he’s promoted to the cabinet. Being ‘out’ is very much ‘in’ for Conservatives these days.”

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Publisher, Executive Editor and Chief Writer of The Sleaze, the Doc is in the forefront of the campaign to preserve historic 1970s moustaches, and is currently the owner of a fine 1970 Alain Delon, which he wears with pride every Thursday. Before founding The Sleaze, the Doc had the singular honour of being dismissed from the Ministry of Defence's Defence Intelligence Staff following his involvement with the original 'dodgy dossier', which sparked the civil war in the former Yugoslavia. Nevertheless, he stands by his controversial assessment that there is satellite imagery clearly showing Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic enjoying a three-in-a-bed romp with Princess Margaret and Richard Branson. Following his dismissal, the Doc crossed the Atlantic to enter the film industry, where he quickly became Tawny Kitaen's pubic hair stylist. The proud possessor of the world's largest collection of pornography discovered in hedgerows, the Doc is considered one of Britain's leading experts on smut, and acted as an advisor to the BBC 4 series A Pornographic History of Britain. Now in his early middle years, Doc Sleaze lives quietly in Southern England where he is sometimes allowed to teach Government and Politics to local A-level students. He can be reached through the site's main e-mail address - just don't expect a reply.