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Malaysia PM vows to keep looking for missing plane

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. He began his stand-up comedy career at The Comedy Store and has made a number of appearances on The Tonight Show. He has written for television series such as The Richard Pryor Show and Laugh-In.

Malaysia’s prime minister renewed his commitment to locate the missing jetliner in the Indian Ocean on Sunday. Life is just now returning to normal there. The Malaysian Grand Prix was run Sunday and the winner will be announced just as soon as the officials find the car.

Los Angeles was hit by several earthquakes on Friday and Saturday. We have a new drill in California that kept everybody safe. The orders are, the moment you feel an earthquake, grab your iPhone and drop to the floor, then roll under a heavy table, and go back on Facebook.

Love Cloud Airlines in Las Vegas offers lovers an hour-long ride in a plane whose cabin is made into a bedroom so they can have sex over Sin City. This could kill Vegas. If couples can also figure out a way to get drunk and lose all their money up there, who needs the hotel room?

A Washington D.C. judge gave the guy who fired eight shots at the White House three years ago 25 years in prison. His lawyer had asked for 10 years. The argument was, the shooting occurred miles from the nearest golf course, so the president was never in any danger.

Joe Biden went on Rachael Ray on the day of the Obamacare deadline Monday to tell viewers they must enroll by midnight. Or what? The Obamacare deadline feels like your parents counting to three, after you’ve already figured out that nothing happens when they get to three.

The White House shut down the Obamacare website Monday as the enrollment deadline arrived. It screwed up at the worst possible time. At the last minute 40,000 people went on the website to enroll in Obamacare and wound up watching porn for 45 minutes.

Michelle Obama returned home from a one-week trip to China on Monday. That’s somewhat a relief. When it was first announced that President Obama’s wife and two daughters and mother-in-law were going to China, all you could think was, my God how much do we owe them?

CBS News reports that Dallas residents of the suburb of Oak Cliff are afraid to go outside because streets are flooded with stray dogs. They’re everywhere. Dallas residents have two options and they’re both demoralizing, either order more Chinese take-out or ask Putin to help.

The Nobel Prize committee Monday refused to rescind Vladimir Putin’s Nobel Peace Prize nomination after he seized Crimea. On the surface, it’s surreal. People were shocked Vladimir Putin was nominated until they found out the head of the nominating committee is Kim Jung Un.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov said in Paris on Sunday that Ukraine cannot survive as a unified state. However, he insisted that Russia has no desire to invade. Those Russian tanks approaching the eastern border of Ukraine are just part of the Olympic closing ceremony.

The Wall Street Journal added an obituary page to highlight the careers of the great men of the New York Stock Exchange. They listed three deaths Monday. The first guy had cancer at 70, the second had a heart attack at eighty and the third guy had General Motors at 90.

GM executives have to explain faulty ignition switches to the U.S. Senate today. It became a problem a month after the U.S. government sold all its GM stock. Thank goodness Harry Potter is British, because if he were an American he’d use his special powers for insider trading.

The Oakland As had to cancel Friday’s game after stadium toilets overflowed and spilled into the concourse. The same thing happened in July. The team is picking up extra money by permitting Carnival Cruise lines to stage their evacuation drills at the stadium between innings.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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