Lists

I love lists. And over the past year I become mental enough to think of my own. I want it to be longer though. This is what I have so far.

Annoying things to do while eating.

1. Chew everything as though it is really tough.
2. Act as if everything you eat is really spicy, even cucumber. Be dramatic.
3. Nod as you eat.
4. Choke on everything you eat, even just one chip, then give yourself the hymanack manouvre. If anyone asks, act as if nothing happened.
5. Chew your food with disgust, act like it tastes like crap. Then exclaim how lovely it is.
6. Eat as fast as you can.
7. Eat as slow as you can.
8. Put as much food in you mouth as possible at once, then struggle for long periods trying to down the food. Repeat until meal is finished. Make a habit of it.
9. Catch popcorn in your mouth and miss, repeatadly. Use up the whole bowl.

11. Take tiny bites- take about 5 minutes just to finish a chip.
12. Fill your mouth with food and drink at the same time.
13. Chew with your mouth open, wide open.
14. Repeat the expression "mmmmm this is devine" after every mouthful. Do this during every meal you have.
15. Pour mountains of salt on your food then complain that its too salty.
16. Have a salad consisting only of grated carrot, eat one bit at a time.
17. Become frustrated as you thrust your fork enthuiastically at peas and they fly off your plate. Make a scene.
18. Puff out your cheeks every few minutes as if you are about to vomit. Look distressed as it happens but assure everyone that you are perfectly fine and they must be imagining it.
19. Say "num num num" as you eat, just like babies do.
20. Chew your drink, make sure its convincing.

In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD. "Chop your pizza on a mirror!" "Master! Master! Put pepperoni on my pizza!" "Gimme pizza! You will do what I say, when I say Gimme pizza!"

Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

Stutter on the letter "p."

Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (If phoning Domino's, ask for a CheeserCheeser!)

Ask what the order taker is wearing.

Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

Change your accent every three seconds.

Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

Start your order with "I'd like...". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99 please pull up to the first window."

Rent a pizza.

Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.

When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. Imitate the order taker's voice.

Eliminate verbs from your speech.

When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

Play a guitar in the background.

Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

Ask to see a menu.

Quote Carl Sandberg.

Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

Belch directly into the mouthpiece then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

Psychoanalyze the order taker.

Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included.

Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

Report a petty theft to the order taker.

Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."