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I was thinking about the same topic while reading your entries (here and on your tumblr) but I want to add something else: Yes, you are right to stay wary and not fall too deep right now, but honestly, this seems to be what you needed so much and now that you found it, I can understand that you are loosing yourself a bit. Even if this is bound to end some time soon, no one will be able steel those moments ever again. But of course, I hope that you two are going to last some time, it's lovely to read about you You seem to match so well.

Wishing you luck, love and more adventurous lovemaking to come into your life

Thanks for this. The most bittersweet thing that I could think of would be if this were it, if we got this and then nothing else. But yes, even then, I would never ever choose to go back and give up the times we've had together so far, and I will always have them within me.

I got really scared last night. I was hungry, and tired, and menstruating, and I'd probably just begun to come down from some week-long endorphin high. I kept asking myself, what if this is somehow all just chemicals, and we'll wake up in a couple of weeks and not know what we were thinking or what we were doing. What if this burns out quickly, and was never really real. I knew the thoughts were irrational and unhelpful, but I didn't have it in me to do much to fend them off, and I was just pretty distressed for a while.

Late in the evening, once I was in bed, Davis called me. He'd been better the night before last, we'd spoken briefly and he'd been fine then, but during this call he was deeply despondent, it was scary. Definitely depressed. I told him that I was feeling fragile myself, and that I wasn't sure how much support I could be, but that I'd listen. I pushed him more about therapy, but that conversation was left unresolved. I was so, so, so tired by the time I got off the phone. I've had plenty of people in my life with depression before, and I know that there's nothing I can do. I have a lot of hope that he'll get help, but he might well go on choosing not to.

This morning, I got to chat with Clay. I told him everything that had been going on in my head, and he listened and thanked me for sharing with him about it, asked if there was anything he could do to help. I told him that I thought just seeing him again would help a lot. We'll be together in about three hours.

I love that he always wants to hear what's going on with me. He never seems to feel like I'm over-sharing or just being weird/awkward/annoying when I lay out the various twists of my mind, and it's so nice not to have to hold anything back. He said that it makes him feel more secure in our D/s dynamic, to know as much about me as possible. Such a nice sentiment.

It seems like things are evening out a little. When I saw Clay last night I was very happy but no longer wholly and completely absorbed. His touch felt great, but no longer absurdly so. I wouldn't begin to assume that NRE isn't still in effect in various ways, but it seems that the initial stage of pure intoxication is ending. It's a relief, really, to feel more normal, and we still had a *very* enjoyable evening.

I helped him set up for the event he was running, knelt at his feet as he worked the door, and helped him break down when it was all over. I met Izzy and we got along very well. You certainly couldn't call us "friends" yet, but "friendly acquaintances" would fit. It felt like we were both being very conscious of trying to be considerate of the other person. She had a friend visiting from out of town, so it seemed like she probably wasn't quite as focused on Clay as she might otherwise have been, which, I must admit, was convenient for not having to deal too much with sharing him right away (though I think I would have been fine). When I did see them together, they seemed cute and happy, and I had no problem with it whatsoever. I hope she felt the same about me and him. She left early, I'm not sure why, but she didn't seem upset in the least.

He pole dances. He danced for me. There were other people in the room, but he was only looking at me. It felt humbling, watching this gorgeous, dear person put on a show for me. Later he tied me up again, very elaborately. So much energy and focus sent my way. I gave it right back, and I suppose I'll just leave that there without explanation.

We both ended up testing each other over the course of the evening.

Izzy is a sex worker, as it happens, and Clay has very occasionally done some sex work as well. He told me these things before we met. I told him that I was fine with that, as long as everything was done safely and std testing was frequent, which he assured me was the case on both counts. Last night, he and I got to talking casually about Izzy after she'd left, and at one point he said "Well, I already told you her deep, dark secret." I stared at him blankly, and said "Which... was...?" "That she's a sex worker," he said, one side of his mouth quirked up. "OH, ha, that didn't remotely occur to me," I said. "Well played, Clay..." he murmured to himself approvingly, and that's when I understood that he'd been trying to find out if I'd been concealing a prejudice.

My test was more mundane and straightforward. After the event, we went back to his house. I had a small juice bottle that I needed to get rid of. I was in his kitchen and I didn't see a recycling bin. My blood went a little cold. I turned to him and asked, as mildly as I could, "Do you recycle?" To my relief, he said that they did and showed me where to put it. "You weren't really asking 'Do you recycle,'" he remarked in an amused voice, "you were asking 'Do I have to judge you now'." I sheepishly agreed. Environmental issues are really important to me, y'all.

We slept beside each other for the third time in the first week of our in-person acquaintance. The first two times I couldn't sleep much. This time I slept much more soundly, which seems to me to be analogous to, and most likely a result of, some of the intensity beginning to die down. It's thrilling to feel so much all at once, but one does *need* to rest.

He's told me he loves me several more times since the first time. I believe him, completely. Sometimes I still feel a little scared or unsure, and other times I feel so deeply tender towards him that it amazes me.

Gia: She and Eric fought about Helen again over the weekend. Basically, she was feeling a bit neglected by him, and then found some sexy texts he'd sent Helen and took it very poorly. She feels like he just refuses to hear her when she tells him what she needs to feel valued, and like he's no good at balancing where and how he directs his energy.

I have no idea who's right or wrong in this situation, so I'm staying out of it unless someone asks for my advice (and I wouldn't know what to say even then, tbh). She told me that he has "one more chance". Ugh, not a pleasant thing to hear, for so many reasons... I hate the idea of veto power in any situation, I hate the idea of Eric and Helen (especially Helen) getting hurt, I hate the idea that their marriage will suffer if she pushes him to drop someone he cares about (and might even love), I hate the idea that it might make him begin to get jealous of my relationship with Gia for the first time ever. I just hate everything about it.

Unrelatedly (presumably), she recently went back on hormonal birth control, and found that her sexual interest in women began to climb almost right away. I'm excited in an abstract way, if that makes any sense. I think she'll have to make a move on me before it feels real. I'm sure that part of the fact that I'm not over the moon at this news is from still being distracted by having a new outlet for my love and lust and submission.

It's been SO long since her hormones were last in a place that made it feel like she really felt lust for me. Back then, we didn't have the emotional connection we have now, so in a way this is uncharted territory. A part of me resents the idea that her sexual interest in me comes from a pill, but I'm hardly going to complain. She can't help it... in fact she's hated the ways things have been. AND, she's loved me throughout, which is without a doubt what matters most.

We're hanging out tonight, and we have a date on Saturday, both of which should be very nice.

Clay: Last night, I sent him some days I was free to hang this coming week. Today, he reluctantly explained that he's got a bunch of events coming up that he has various responsibilities for, and is also trying to make sure he makes time for his other partners. I told him that that was totally, totally cool, and that I wouldn't be hurt by a bit of a break. He thanked me for that, said that it would only be the case if it were a necessity, and said he'd check back in.

I know that I'm feeling the NRE much less -- I no longer feel like I might forget my address and stumble into a wall while thinking about his hands -- and I imagine it's much the same for him. Between that and the fact that I'm feeling a bit polysaturated at 2.5 partners and he now has 4, I truly don't begrudge the thought of a necessary gap in seeing each other. We're both busy poly people, of course it's going to be like this, I totally accept that.

Which isn't to say that I don't miss him -- gosh, it would be nice to kiss his face and touch his hair -- or that I'm entirely free from worry.

What's there to worry about? It's obvious, I suppose. This is still so new. While it may feel like I know him on this deep level, and while I may have a deep faith in him as a human being for a great number of reasons, I'm still of the belief that you just can't know someone *that* well after only two weeks of association. I'm still expecting him to surprise me... hopefully in good ways, but maybe in some bad ways, or just in some strange ways.

If this were a relationship that had developed at a normal pace, expecting him to surprise me wouldn't be such a big deal because I wouldn't already be so very emotionally invested. As it is, I feel like I need to see him again and again and again, need to talk to him again and again and again, need to do a lot more exploration of our D/s dynamic, before I'll be able to fully relax and feel as safe with this in my head as I do in my heart.

Walking at lunchtime today, I imagined him telling me sadly that it turns out that he just doesn't have time for us, that we can't do this after all. Tears immediately appeared in my eyes. Why do I always gotta torture myself, I swear.

The next few weeks should be very interesting.

Davis: Last night he called in a half an hour. I'll explain.

We've been playing a game where we make little bets with each other. Things like "Will person A or person B win the Oscar? I'll bet you 10 minutes person A gets it," or "Will we make it to the event on time at this rate or will we be late? I'll bet you 15 minutes we're gonna be late." The idea is that we then stockpile the time and use it in fun, playful ways to get our way. For example "Oh, you don't wanna see this cheesy movie with me? Hmmmm, maybe I'll use two hours and then you'll have to!"

Neither of us had actually used any time yet. He had a very busy, physically demanding day yesterday playing sports with friends (hanging out with friends and being active, thank god!!!), and as a result he was sore all over. He asked me if I'd mind him using 30 of his minutes for a backrub, and I said that would be just fine. It was a good chance to reconnect in a way that was pleasant for both of us. He spent the night. I always sleep well when I sleep next to him.

Annabel: I'm getting an IUD put in on Thursday, so that's exciting and only slightly scary.

My life has been very busy and very exciting lately, as you all may have noticed. I love having a safe, private space here in which to talk it all out. I need to make sure I'm keeping up with things like laundry, sufficient sleep, and pursuing other life goals.

Had a wonderful conversation with Gia tonight. Understand a bit more of why she's mad at Eric... he didn't break her trust or anything, but he was definitely being an ass leading up to this most recent conflict. She continues to be full of compersion about Clay. Ooh, she also has some very exciting things in mind for our date this weekend.

While I was over, Bee hurt himself. Eric brought him over so that Mommy could kiss his nose and make it all better. When she was done, he reached out for me and said "Anna kiss." I about died (and gave him the requested. kiss, of course). XD

Clay had told me earlier in the week that he was worried that Izzy -- the other partner who's had the biggest role in his life -- was feeling a bit depressed. I asked him if it was about him and me, he said it almost certainly wasn't.

For context, Izzy and he have been together for two and a half years. It's the longest-running relationship in which he's currently involved, I've seen lots of cute pictures of them together. She lives in our city, while his other partners each live at least an hour away. She has a couple of other partners aside from him, one of whom she lives with, but her relationship with Clay is also the longest-running one for her. She has a collar that she wears when she's with him, they consider her to be owned by him. It's clear that he cares about all of his partners, but the way he talks about her is special.

I knew he'd seen her mid-week, so yesterday I asked how she was.

He said that she'd been through a traumatic event relatively recently, and that it was weighing on her more. So much so, in fact, that she'd decided that she wasn't up to having recreational sex with anyone, and wasn't sure when she would be again. Their D/s dynamic was heavily focused around sex, so now that's in limbo. He intends to stay in her life, but perhaps as more of a support person than a traditional partner (well, as much as any of this is "traditional", you know what I mean). He doesn't know what they'll be to each other down the line, what they might re-build when she's ready to engage again.

Boy-howdy, can I relate. :/

He seems to be handling it healthily, though of course it's hard to tell exactly how someone's doing from text.

I want her to be well, I want them to be well, so the last thing I want to think is "mwaha, yes, I can take advantage of this." Seriously, no. Still, it's hard not to wonder if and how this may change what he and I could become to each other.

We're going to see each other for a few hours tonight, and then he's going to join me for a dance party. Gia, Eric, Dexter, and a number of our other friends will be there. I'm really excited about introducing him to my people. After the dance party, Gia, Dex, and I are planning to go back to my place for our second-ever threesome -- Clay knows and is totally cool with it. I'm feeling awesome about the way we're all handling the poly dynamics here.

And ZOMG, I can't wait to see him!!!!! Hehehehe, I mean, I'm excited about both things, but you KNOW someone is special to me when I'm more excited to see them than I am about a threesome.