Tomorrow you turn fifty-one months old. If you are reading these in chronological order you will probably notice that the newsletter for month fifty has gone missing. Yeah, about that. Would you believe me if I told you Coco ate it? You’d have to because Coco eats everything. Just this week she ate both the arms and legs off the new Barbie doll that my mother gave you, and when I found her chewing those limbs I secretly hoped you wouldn’t notice. But that’s not what happened at all. You noticed immediately and were so enraged that YOU PULLED YOUR OWN HAIR. After several hours of wailing and head-butting the floor you walked up to me, put the legless and armless nub into my hands and said, “Grandmommy is going to be so mad at that dog.” And you used a tone that suggested it was less of an observation and more of a warning that Coco might want to draw up a will.

But no, Coco did not eat that specific newsletter. What I could do here is come up with some elaborate excuse for why it wasn’t ever written in the first place, but I know you’re the type of person who doesn’t want to hear all that crap. I got busy. Life sort of turned on its head at the beginning of last month and I just didn’t get to it. It was the first time that has ever happened since I first started writing these letters to you at the beginning of 2004, and I apologize. I can’t promise that it won’t ever happen again, but I have a feeling that if you get arrested in high school for spray-painting a giant four-letter word on the wall of the cafeteria it won’t be because month fifty is missing from your newsletters. It will be because your father and I didn’t do a good enough job of teaching you how not to get caught. Take my advice now: blame a cheerleader.

This newsletter is going to be a little different and not just in terms of it having to make up for a lost month. A lot has happened in the last few weeks that I feel I should address publicly, and the majority of it is not amusing. Usually I like to spend these paragraphs regaling you with stories of your hysterical antics so that in the future you can read about what a uniquely challenging and funny kid you were, and maybe one day it will explain why your own child screams so much and how it’s perfectly normal to daydream about dangling that kid over a pool of hungry sharks. 15 years from now you’re going to read this paragraph, here where I tell you that your favorite thing to say is DONKEY BELLIES, and whenever you say knock-knock, and I say who’s there, you scream DONKEY BELLIES, and then you gasp for air as the giggles get lodged in your throat, you’re going to read this and then call me and go THERE’S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT DONKEY BELLIES. And then you’re going to ask me for money.

But I guess there are some people who are very uncomfortable with the fact that I and many other women are writing about our children on our websites. How dare we violate your privacy like this, how dare we endanger you like this, we obviously care more about ad revenue than what this is going to do to your adolescence. And I have been asked countless times if I am at all worried that you will totally resent me for the details I have shared here. Of course you will you resent me. I have no doubt that you will spend years of your life resenting me and being embarrassed that we have the same last name, despite the fact that I have and will spend years of my life writing love letters to you on the Internet. Despite the fact that I have declared to millions of people that you are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to my life.

You will resent me for your curfew and the fact that I will not let you leave the house in that mini-skirt. You will resent me for showing up to your school in my pajama bottoms and for raising my hand in a PTA meeting when I hadn’t brushed my hair. You will text message your friends to tell them that I am the most horrible person on the planet because I’m forcing you to study for your exam in the morning. You are going to think that I cannot possibly understand what you are going through, and you will slam the door in my face.

Will you resent me for this website? Absolutely. And I have spent hours and days and months of my life considering this, weighing your resentment against the good that can come from being open and honest about what it’s like to be your mother, the good for you, the good for me, and the good for other women who read what I write here and walk away feeling less alone. And I have every reason to believe that one day you will look at the thousands of pages I have written about my love for you, the thousands of pages other women have written about their own children, and you’re going to be so proud that we were brave enough to do this. We are an army of educated mothers who have finally stood up and said pay attention, this is important work, this is hard, frustrating work and we’re not going to sit around on our hands waiting for permission to do so. We have declared that our voices matter.

These are the stories of our lives as women and they often include you, yes. Am I endangering you by posting pictures of you? Many people think so, but then they’d have to admit that when I take you to the grocery store I am exposing your face to hundreds of strangers, people who can see what car we drove up in, the license plate number, and the direction we head home. Maybe we shouldn’t ever leave the house, otherwise? STRANGERS WILL KNOW WHAT WE LOOK LIKE. Worse? They will know I prefer Tampax to the generic brand.

Am I violating your privacy? If keeping 95 percent of what goes on in your life off limits in terms of what I write on my website, then yes, I am totally invading your privacy. And what about that time I wrote about your poop, aren’t you going to be mortified when your classmates read about that in sixth grade? Leta, I stopped writing about your poop many, many months ago, and chances are that all the kids you’re going to know in sixth grade will have spent the first three years of their lives shitting their pants, too. Oh wait, THAT’S WHAT HUMANS DO. WHO KNEW.

Finally, I’ve seen it suggested in my inbox and by various critics online that what we do on our websites is egotistical and exploitative. Some even refer to it as child abuse. I know I am not alone when I say that when I sit down to update my website I do it to connect with other people, I do it to reflect on the absurdity of everyday life with the hope that the people who read it will find similarities in their own routine. I did not know that wanting to be a part of a community qualified as egotism.

Some of our websites make us money, yes, money that puts food on our table, pays for preschool and helps pay for utilities. Sometimes we even use this money to pay for more unnecessary things like computers or manicures or purple ceramic hippos, and this in particular is something people grab hold of to try and twist what we’re doing into something gross and ugly. And try as they might, I will not be discouraged from continuing to document the beauty of life with my family or supporting them with an income from doing so. Leta, some people will one day try to convince you that what I’ve done here is some sort of sickening betrayal of your childhood, and what those people fail to recognize is that I am doing the exact opposite. This is the glorification of your childhood, and even more than that this is a community of women coming together to make each other feel less alone. You are a part of this movement, you and all of the other kids whose mothers are sitting at home right now writing tirelessly about their experiences as mothers, the love and frustration and madness of it all. And I think one day you will look at all of this and pump your fist in the air.

Related:

You truly are an amazing mother. I have been reading your blog now for 2 years and I only wish I would have found it sooner. I guess at least my 2 year old has a chance….You have been a breath of fresh air, and a guide for my day to day life. Thank you.

Katie

What if Leta is the cheerleader? I can’t even imagine how I would deal with that (a daughter of mine becoming a cheerleader).

http://www.kathyriddle.blogspot.com 2kids3martinis

What a lovely little girl. I have one too and, well, AMEN, SISTA’…what YOU said! Thanks for sharing the absurdity and being with us here in this community. It is so very valuable what you contribute; the laughter, the comraderie,(don’t know if I spelled that right, comraderie, let me spell check it real quick-like),oops… I mean, comaraderie, the realness of it all. Thanks.

Bootilicious

I completely agree … and I’m not married, don’t have kids and have never been certifiably depressed. You are doing good work and the day that I get the hubby, the baby and the post partum backlash, I’ll know I’m not alone. Until then, I will shit myself laughing and snot into my shirt for lack of tissue (aka toilet paper) when I get weepy. You speak from the heart and it really resonates with me and the 6.5 bajillion other people who clearly love what you do with your gift. Much love to you and your fam.

Sheila

All I can say, Heather, is keep on keeping on. It’s plain to see how much you all love each other but at the same time you don’t shirk from talking about the really hard times. I can’t believe Leta will be anything but proud of her mum in years to come – well, as much as any child is proud of their parents! Obviously people are entitled to their point of view about exploitation and, even though you don’t agree with them – and nor do I, it’s good that you give them a voice too. You are honest and brave and hugely appreciated by thousands of people all over the world.

Steph

I don’t have a child and don’t have a blog. I can’t be included in the insider blogger group. I read this blog and three others. I can just honestly say that I just feel that this is something that I think is amazing. I only wish at 27 that my mother or father has chosen to do this (or had the opportunity to) because they really can’t recall anything about me prior to age three. I am not even a big “kid” person but I feel myself rooting for you and the other bloggers I read as well as the kids. It has honestly opened my eyes to how diffucult it is to raise a child and deal with them, making me appreciate what my friends are going through. I hope that one day I will be able to be a mother like some of the bloggers that I read and love their children but still retain their own voice in life and use it. That may sound so cheesy, but I really don’t care. Sometimes I think there is such an underhanded movement that if you speak about how you truely feel about your struggles or dissapointments as a mother you are somehow a “bad mother”. Thank you for sharing your life. Not only does it entertain, but it helps me understand others. I don’t care if this will publish my e-mail address or not, but this is the way I feel. And as for the people who are negative about Coco being in the Daily Chuck Photos…. screw them as they are negative bitches!

http://www.stacyglenn.blogspot.com/ stacy

Thank you so much. I love your words!

http://jargonz.wordpress.com Niv

I love her eyes.

http://vanandlori.wordpress.com Lori

Thank you. I’ve been blogging my family’s life for the last 2.5 years. I got endless streams of emails when I documented our 25 weekers life almost daily on the website. It was free therapy for me and ended connecting me to other preemie-moms which I’ll always be grateful.

Keep going. Mom-bloggers Unite.

http://www.orthehighway.com Meredith

So…when she’s fifteen and starts her OWN blog about her OWN mother you will be SO proud

And blogging is NO different to say a mum who tells EVERY client she has EVERY day about her daughter since she was born.

http://absolutely100percent.blogspot.com/ MarkJ

If you look all the positive comments here, and stacked them up against all the haters, I just hoping you’d see it was only a small percentage…
I just wonder why they bother coming back – it must really rile them that you have such a healthy, infectious view of life – an enthusiasm I tune in for day after day.
I’m looking forward to reading your book – in fact i might send it from New Zealand to get signed – stuff the carbon footprint – take that haters!

Rebecca

So true! In a particularly sick, twisted, controlling turn on this argument, my best friend’s ex-husband Googles her regularly to see what she’s doing. When he found her fabulous, sweet blog about her life with her son he threatened her saying it was abusive and endangering… you know, like telling people that he had learned to read.

Control freak a-holes, all those nay-sayers.

Not that there is anything wrong with being on the control-freak, order-obesessed side . It’s the a-hole part that’s the problem, I guess.

She password-protected her blog and now only a small handful of people will ever get to enjoy the great stories she tells.

Hmpf.

Rock on! My husband and I both laugh out loud often when we read your blog.
Thanks!

Steph

This almost made me teary. I am so proud of you (and your cohorts) and it may take a while, but one day Leta will be proud, too. It took me until last year (I’m 24) to really understand and appreciate my mother. But it will happen.

About your trip to New York: It would be super if you could have some sort of signing on the 8th, because that’s when I’m going to be in the city. If that doesn’t work, then please let me take you two out for lunch or something. =) At the very least have an awesome time on the East Coast.

http://www.miscmum.com Karen (miscmum)

I’m going to memorise this for the times when I’m asked similar questions. Well said, well done xx

PhDMommy

Leta:
Your mommy loves you more than you will know until you have your own children. She has helped countless women get through the tough, unpaid job of motherhood. She is a hero and you know you are tougher than the critics. Rock on.

http://www.ieatmypigeon.wordpress.com Liv

I understand your ambivalence towards publicly declaring your love for your daughter. It truly does seem like a double edged sword when other people’s privacy enters the picture. In the long run, though, I think your daughter will cherish the fact that you not only shouted your love for her from the virtual rooftops but that you took sure care to document the tiny moments in her life. “Donkey Bellies” is something that might otherwise get lost in the muddle our brains become as we age. Yet, it’s such a true moment. I hope your daughter will cherish your memories of her as much as you do.

http://lesophie.blogspot.com Leslie

word.
UP.

Sain’t Christopher

I wonder if Erma Bombeck suffered the same accusations?

http://misha-pooh.blogspot.com misha

i hate it when asshats say she is ugly. Leta is absolutely lovely. But you know that. And fuck that exploiting bullshit.

DocinFrance

Dear Leta,

I only hope that one day, when you do read all these letters to you, that you’ll only be horrified that months 50 and 51 should have been addressed the real crazies of the world and not to you.

JDB

KUDOS!!!

Every leader and pioneer knows that the hardest part is getting up the courage to at first turn their back on the crowd.

http://familyaffairsandothermatters.blogspot.com lulu campbell

You go girl….don’t let the bastards get you down. I’ve got a “mother who blogs” blog and was yesterday accused of having an ego the size of San Francisco (I’m in London – how big is that? Not v big compared to other states I suspect?) Anyway, you have made me feel a whole lot better – did you see the article last Sun in the Telegraph. It did freak me out momentarily and I’ve blogged about it and now I’ve come by and read your response and I’m completely OK again. XXX

http://www.smoochdog12.com Michelle

Heather, I don’t have any children *yet* but I hope when I do that I can write as corageously, and be as witty, and loving adn caring as you are. Leta (and Jon, and Coco, and Chuck and all of us on the Interwebs) are lucky to have met you.

P.S. Shame on Coco for eating Barbie’s appendages…just a reminder….Chuck would have never done that!

Christy Wood

Heather,

Another beautiful newsletter. Anothing amazing job, very well done. When I look at my incomplete babybook, I only dream that my mother had written a few letters to me when I was a child.

I, too, write letters to my children and know that they will thoroughly enjoy reading them one day.

My children, however, do not have the luxury of a mother who writes as well as you, who has a way of capturing life with her words, a way that makes mothers across the globe nod in agreement…usually with either a smile or tear-filled eyes.

I am three essays into your new book and loving every second of it!

michelle

heather…
thank you so much for saying it true…motherhood is not always glorious..and even though most of us have the strength and wisdom to stop ourselves from putting our child into the wall…you understand how child abuse happens. I thank you for making me feel not so alone, and have the insight to see that all the good does not even compare to the hard times, and we will get through it.
I also have a four year old little girl..who has so many similarities to Leta. She is VERY much…her way or no way..and we are working together to figure it out. We stuggle to help her to realize that she is NOT the boss of the world…and now I just hold me breath for kindergarten. We take one day at a time, and at the end of the day I’m thankful that I get to be her mother.
I enjoy your newsletters the most…they make me laugh, they make me cry…I just wish we lived closer because I know we could be great friends.
from one mother to another…keep sharing like you do…thank you

Jen

It’s all been said already, but let me add another bravo! Just like the women who first broke through corporate glass ceilings, you and other moms who write openly and honestly about the tough aspects of raising a child are taking the knocks for demanding respect and recognition for what you do. I don’t have kids yet, but I am old enough to know it’s not all sweetness and light, and wise enough to question why it’s still taboo to acknowledge this. One can, and you do, honestly express the challenges without creating doubt about the love you have for your child and family. You are an important voice. Keep using it. Leta will one day understand.

eMMaLu

27. the mighty jimbo said:
this makes me wish i had a uterus.

Comments closed!

*fist pumping air*

Aisha

Thank you, not just for this post but for all of them. You have moved me, given me strength and made me feel less alone as I go through my own journey of motherhood. Your love for Leta shines through in all your posts and regularly brings me to tears (happiness & hormones). Keep on keeping on!

Erin

Dude, you made me fuckin’ cry.

http://melinor.blogspot.com Melanie

Essentially, what people who say you are ‘exploiting your child’ are really saying is, “Sit down, shut up, and be a good, quiet, obedient and modest little wifey and mommy.” What these people fail to understand is that the ‘good, quiet, obedient and modest little wifey and mommy’ is a myth; has always been a myth; and that there but for the grace of… whatever, they go, too.

In any given situation, the most judgmental people would have NO CLUE how to function in the same situation as the one they are judging.

This is probably all twisted and convoluted because I am sleepy and tired. But mostly, I’m just trying to say that nothing these judgmental people are saying can invalidate what you do, because what you do is a great thing. It’s a gift to all of us parents out here, and it’s a gift to your child, and that’s more than all the judgmental statements in the world can ever add to the beauty of life.

Nicole

You are a beautiful woman for doing all that you do and that last picture of her is stunning.

http://littlelioness.net Fiona

I do not envy what you do.

Sunny

You take amazing photos of your daughter. She is beautiful, and you have a wonderful eye that captures perfect images of her. She may resent you for blogging about her when she gets older, but I think she will thank you over and over again for taking the most beautiful pictures of her.

Jackie

Such a beautiful child – those eyes! It was a happy day when I discovered your blog, and I’m glad that mothers all over the place are sitting down and writing about their experiences â€“ I think it’s immensely helpful to other women who have experienced that collision between the myth of motherhood and reality. The reality being such things as post-partum depression, self-doubt, confusion, and on and on.

Becoming a mother seems to give people the sense that they have a right to criticise and judge one, it doesn’t matter whether it’s on the internet or in real life, you’re constantly being measured against people’s idea of the ‘perfect mother’.

My son will be 25 tomorrow, he managed to survive having me as a mother and he is a decent, kind person, so I guess I didn’t do too badly – though God knows enough people tried to convince me otherwise along the way.

http://www.thegregarioushomebody.blogspot.com Jen

Right on, sister! I wish I’d had this community when I was home with my son 12 years ago.

Lynn

Writing from your heart never has been, never will be wrong.
Some may want you to believe otherwise. And though those people may sometimes seem like the majority, I believe they only stand out because of how wrong they are.

I would also like to take this opportunity to say how stunning the pics of Leta are. As she is getting older, I can see both you and Jon in her beautiful little face.

A million and one kudos to you.

Respectfully,
Lynn

Kelley

My mother passed when I was 3. I can’t imagine how amazing it would be to have such a thing. Cried, as usual.

Thank you Heather.

http://dailymieuw.nl Kittekat

You are a writer pur sang.

*fist pumping!*

Love from Amsterdam

http://Beverly-Useyourwords.blogspot.com Beverly

My Memphis fist is in the air for you. Leta your mama has got it. Ya’ll all rock,

http://www.tokenblogger.com É¹ÇÆƒÆƒolquÇÊžoÊ‡

I think the real issue is envy which is manifesting itself has hate mail.

And I am not just sucking up. I really mean this.

http://lifeaslou.blogsome.com/ Lou

Yes. Resoundingly, YES.

jack

Interesting time to come out with this post … just when your book hits the stands. Hey, gotta give you credit, you know when to get the bloggers behind you – you are a good business woman! Lets call this what it is – marketing. I am not saying you dont believe every word you wrote but who we kiddin? I give you credit kid, you are good.

http://danielle-leftyloosy.blogspot.com/ danielle

First off, your girl is absolutely GORGEOUS. She is stunning.
I am so glad you wrote this. I have been thinking about this for months. Actually, pretty much since I started blogging about my child, and she’s almost 3. Thank you for taking a stand for us. Thank you!!!

http://www.soupisnotafingerfood.com Meg

Could Leta’s eyes be any bigger??

You stick with your gut on this one. I agree, how can any of this be a bigger risk than venturing out in public? I feel much the same way about using my credit card at a store or restaurant versus online. A ne’er-do-well clerk could steal my number just as easily as some hacker. Either way, you place your trust in mankind that the information will be used as you intended.

Lisa

I’m four months pregnant and one of the first things I did when I found out was go back and read your archives starting when you found out you were pregnant with Leta. I’ve thought about how cool it will be for her when she grows up to have all of these memories written down that she can go back and read. In fact, I’ve been feeling a little guilty that I haven’t started a blog yet! (I can’t even manage to keep one of those pregnancy journals.) Reading your blog and other mom blogs I know has made me far less afraid of being a mom, and probably even played a role in me even wanting to be a mom. So thank you for what you do. I also think your f***ing brilliant for figuring out a way for you and your husband to make a living while being able to be at home with your daugher.

Chelsea

Heather, don’t even listen to those freaks trying to tell you you’re exploiting your family. I know Leta will appreciate and treasure every word you’ve written about her (even about her poop.)

And those photos of her are absolutely stunning!

http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/6reelpeople Tammy

No matter what you do, she will think you are definately from Mars. But only for a short time. She’ll come around one day! BTW, she is a cutie!

Jennifer Erdosy

a marvelous essay on why we blog. we’re all so isolated in this modern world, we reach out to connect, and are lambasted for doing so? don’t let the haters getcha down, dooce m’darlin, far more of us adore you and worship at your blogging mommy feet than will ever hate you.

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