This email will probably not get read by Louis CK. This blog post might not get read by anyone here on wordpress either. If there’s anything I have to say, it’s that if you love Louis CK, you should watch Horace and Pete, his latest show which I just found out about yesterday. Enjoy.

Hi Louis, I hope this email reaches you.

I know you’ve heard this a million times but I just want to tell you that everything you do is amazing. Hopefully this email will be a little nugget of positive energy in your day, even though I’m a nobody.

I’m in the middle of Horace and Pete and I knew I’d love your work. I’m going to finishing binge watching it right after I finish writing this email.

You probably can’t be bothered to reply to me. Even as a huge fan, I used to be a bit annoyed by that. As more time pass, I think it’s becoming more understandable to me. At the end of the day, it just boils down to the fact that I’m a nobody, which kinda sucks, but it is what it is. At this point, I guess I’m sort of content with the fact that there’s a chance you might read this and that’s about it.

From listening to your interviews and watching your shows, it seems that you still feel depressed from time to time. That sucks. It sucks that depressing feelings feel so shitty and it sucks to know that even being as successful as you won’t take depressing feelings away.

You’ve always been a huge inspiration for me and I hope to be even a fraction as successful and hardworking as you.

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There’s something I’m curious about and you’re probably not the right person to ask. I do know that you’re very thoughtful and maybe you might have excellent insights on this very unimportant thing I’m about to describe.

I’m not in show business but I’m a guy who watches and listens to a lot of interviews and I have a working knowledge of a bunch of the show business lingo. I am also a hobbyist at writing and content creating (blog, videos, talks, video games, etc).

I’m curious about this little thing, brought on by the fact that I did not love episode 1 of Horace and Pete right off the bat, even though I know I’d love your work. Now, obviously you know what the fuck you’re doing and I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about. You talk about how many people read your script and knew it was amazing but I’m just shocked that my brain is so fucked up that I can’t really see it. The 100 year old bar tradition was the first captivating thing for me in episode 1. Up until that point, I was just hanging in there.

I think this is more of a problem with my perception of things so hopefully you didn’t feel insulted by my comment. I’ve heard that pilots are extremely difficult to make because you need to introduce all the characters and I know that 1st episodes of other amazing shows didn’t captivate me right away either. I also have this void where I do not enjoy travelling and seeing new places at all. Perhaps the internet age has ruined me because I find that there are many more amazing new content for me to consume on the computer screen than travelling in real life.

So anyway, what am I trying to say here? I’m tempted to delete this whole latter half of the email unless I can think of a way to wrap it up right now. … I guess I just wonder if you have any insights into the process of capturing a person’s interest. What is a deeper explanation behind a phrase like: “You’ll love this show after you watch the first 3 episodes.”

By the way, you mentioned something about 30 minutes after you first announced your first episode that people tweeted that they’ve watched the entirety of the 60 minute episode. I might have some interesting insight on that.

There’s this weird person I work with who believes in himself very strongly in pretty much everything he does. He told me that the way he watches TV shows is that he knows which parts he likes to see so he skips around the video to find the good scenes and he watches those. It sounds absolutely ridiculous and he has this arrogance that he knows exactly what he’s doing. So I guess now we know people like that exist out there. I told him that what he described sounded like a person skipping through Game of Thrones to find the boob scenes.

I might have to start blogging again soon and document my past few crazy months. For now, I worry that the wrong person might read it and ruin what little professional career I have. Truthfully, I’m actually probably just being too lazy to write it at the moment. Let me just tease that there are multiple girls involved including some moms. There’s some home-wrecking involved…. I joke about it now because nothing’s really happened yet but I think I’m about to fuck up my life inside out.

A few months back I wrote a blog entry joking about my small penis. I didn’t think much of it but for some reason it gets a lot of attention (the blog entry, I can only wish dick got attention). Last time I dabbled in stand up, I brought a female friend and she brought another friend along. I wasn’t doing too hot and then the psychic who brought me up told me to talk about my small penis. Once I said those two magic words, I could see the two girls get instantly interested. I think talking about small penises has a lot of power and with great power comes great responsibilities. If I talk about it, I better have something interesting or funny to say because I don’t want to feel like I’m just trolling for attention.

Just like any other blog entries, the small penis one eventually fell into obscurity, which is fine. A few days ago, my girlfriend broke up with me and that very same day, a random girl commented on it telling me she liked small penises and that I shouldn’t be sad over nothing. She said she might have a small penis fetish. I looked at her twitter and she has an overly sexualized account. I don’t know if that comment was genuine or if she was trying to get more view on her twitter or if she was just trolling. Either way though, it still felt good to get some positive feedback.

A lot of times when someone commits suicide, people wonder what was going through their head, why they did it, and how come they didn’t tell people about their pains and sorrow. A lot of times, the people who talk a lot about suicide only talk about it for the attention. I talk about suicidal thoughts pretty openly; I haven’t done it yet; I’d hate to think I’m in that obnoxious latter group.

Talking about suicide is pretty pointless. I have plenty of friends and family who genuinely don’t want me to die, but they don’t really care about me. For one reason or another, I simply don’t have anyone who really cares about me. I have several great friends who I get along really well with, but it’s not their obligation to feed me and keep me alive. Talking about suicide with them just becomes a bummer because there isn’t much they can say or do. They voice their opinion about not wanting me to die, but there isn’t much else they can do. From the way I talk about suicide fairly lightly, it would be an overreaction for them to do anything more.

When I’m in this suicidal state, it actually feels bad for me to help others. The nicer I am to others, the more pain I’ll be creating when I die inexplicably. On the surface, I don’t appear to be hopeless. I can muster a lot of energy to perform well in tasks but there’s just no motivation for me to do it on my own, for myself. This past month, I helped 4 different people move; I helped my friend’s mom with a spreadsheet last night and went to the gym and got in a good workout with my friend; I’ve also been biking, running, and playing basketball with some other friends too. Today, I was playing an online game and my new online friend randomly asked if I knew how to program and I spent the next few hours helping him with his school project. It’s not like I’m slob who can’t muster the energy to do anything and it’s not like I’m hopelessly stupid, but I simply don’t have the motivation to do it for my own personal survival.

Even this blog entry feels pointless. I’m either going to get people telling me not to commit suicide which is nice and all but it doesn’t really change anything. Or worse yet, I might get no responses and I’ll feel even more like no one cares. But I haven’t written anything in a while so I guess this is something… I don’t know…

I am like a mouse and 9 to 5 is my maze that I’m constantly trying to find a way out of. I don’t really care if there is a piece of cheese waiting for me on the outside or not. All that matters is that I find a way out without getting my tail snapped off. As many as you working stiffs like myself may know, it’s not an easy task.

There was this one desperate idea that I came up with. The plan would be to have a rich homosexual man fall in love with me. I figure if the majority of heterosexual males lust after Asian women then the majority of homosexual males feel the same towards Asian guys. I keep my body in pretty decent shape, look young for my age, I naturally have very little body hair and I’ve even had a stripper comment on…

What the fuck is motivation? Whatever it is, I am severely lacking in it. Many things in my life have been slowly building up to the current perfect fucked up state it is in right now. The false appearance of being relatively healthy on the surface makes things worse. This entry might not make a lot of sense. I don’t know if there’s any order to present my problems that makes it easiest to understand.

Motivation to live is important. By default, people would want to avoid as much discomfort as possible. Dying isn’t comfortable so it’s very natural to have a motivation to live, and to live well. Why am I missing that? Depression is a part of it but where the hell did that come from? I know I’m never really depressed when I’m hanging out with friends, but that doesn’t happen very often. People have lives and they’re busy. I always feel like a burden if I try to make plans with people so I end up never really making plans. I also have an aversion to going out and all that shit. I got off track a bit. How did I lose the default desire to be comfortable? Well, part of it is because I’ve been getting used to coping with the discomforts of life. Every life has its sets of discomforts and people need to learn to deal with them. The way I dealt with it in my life is by sheer endurance. After a while, I’ve learned to endure more and more shitty things. I’ve learned to endure hunger. Starvation doesn’t really bother me much. No food? No problem. It’s not that I don’t feel the discomforts of a growling stomach, but I can deal with it very easily. That is not a good thing because it removes my motivation to work for money for food. Plus, being in the first world environment I live in, there’s enough unwanted leftovers for me to get obese off of.

I’ve put my endurance to the test. As a self-challenged weight loss regimen, I’ve forced myself to sit in hot baths and sweat like crazy. The water heater isn’t set hot enough so I would boil pots of water and add that to the bath to make it hotter. Often times, it’s too hot to jump in at first. After taking these baths several times a day, everyday for over a week, I was gradually able to get into hotter and hotter water, and enduring the discomfort. One time, my limbs started to get numb. I continued staying in the bath until I started to very numb and something didn’t seem right. I went into the shower to cool down and kept drinking shower water because I was so dehydrated. It took a long time before I started feeling normal again. I’m pretty sure my body was actually dying at that point. It was tough to get in, and stay in, such hot water, but by the time my body was numbing and shutting down, it was actually pretty easy to just stay in the tub until I died… or passed out… or whatever. This sounds like a bullshit exaggerated anecdote but I believe it. If it sounds retarded, it’s probably because I cooked a bunch of brain cells from those baths.

Being able to endure death along with the occasional desire to die from depression is not a good combination. Another motivation to work hard and live a successful life is so that other people don’t think you’re a loser. Being a loser sucks. I’ve accidentally removed the aversion of being a loser in my life. In attempts to being funny, I’ve learned to take jokes at my expense. I can identify my own flaws and blow them up for humor. I joke about being a loser way too much. I can do that so easily with my friends because I’ve already proven that I’m not a “real”l loser, whatever that means. I’ve accomplished enough in my life that all my friends acknowledge my intellect. This way, I can freely brag about how I’m being such a failure in life without feeling utterly worthless. Failure has become a choice and a way of life.

Then there’s my ingrained cheapness. I’ve been raised not to enjoy spending money and I’m now fully conditioned not to enjoy things. A big part of depression is not being able to enjoy life. I’ve literally been raised to be depressed. A normal person growing up would learn that they need to earn their own money so they can spend it. My blind endurance allowed me to simply not enjoy the things that money can buy so I don’t need to earn money.

… I was hoping that writing this would help me discover something about myself but I just feel like more of a loser for how poorly this is written. I could go on but I don’t feel like this is getting anywhere. I’m actually getting paid to make a game right now and I’ve been procrastinating from it forever. fuck fuck fuck. I need to work. I don’t know why I can’t apply my blind endurance to work. It’s fucked up. I currently want to play Path of Exile but I’ve indulged enough that I need to stop. I can apply my endurance to not play the game and attempt to work, but I just end up staring at the screen and not working. Maybe it’s because I have a neverending amount of work. I don’t know. I’m tired of being depressed. I hope I can get some work done after posting this. I gotta…