Yankees Continue to Be the Smarmiest Losers in the MLB

I’ll get this out of the way quickly: I hate the Yankees. I find them annoying, ridiculous, evil, and obviously, a major source of pre-2004 childhood trauma.

Our infamous rivalry has ebbed and flowed, especially in the past decade-plus since 2004, but lately, the Yankees have been driving me nuts, and I can trace my annoyance back to their Twitter.

Their social media style is just so obnoxious. I remember one Instagram from earlier in the season, when David Ortiz and Aaron Judge met at CC Sabathia’s charity bowling event, and the Yanks posted the shot with the caption, “It’s always so nice when Aaron takes time out of his busy schedule to talk to his fans 😂” It might’ve been their flimsy attempt at a joke, but everything about the Yankees is so infuriating, and I was steamed. Hey, Yankees, when your precious super-freak bats .688 in a World Series, wins you three rings and gets MVP, hits 541 HR, and becomes the most beloved player in your gross franchise’s history, maybe – MAYBE – you can call Papi a fan of his. Until then, shut that nasty, fanged hole you call a mouth.

The Evil Empire’s social media has been at it all season, doing everything from making fun of Win, Dance, Repeat to bragging about Aaron Judge when he struck out a billion times. It’s pretty typical crap from a petty second-place team, but it all feels out of place since we owned their asses in the 2004 ALCS.

Let’s analyze this ridiculous tweet. The Yankees used National Poetry Day to promote Aaron Judge, who will be remembered for hitting 50+ HR in his rookie season and also setting a new franchise record for striking out in something like a million consecutive games. Not sure how brag-worthy the dude is, as a total package. But then again, if anyone knows how to behave like a total *package,* it’s the New York Yankees.

Also, taking jabs at us for no reason is just petty and stupid, even – no, especially if you try to mask it with a cutesy poem. I can’t believe how junior high this sounds, but we weren’t even talking to you. Heck, we aren’t even playing you this week; you’re losing to Tampa Bay. I get that you want to feel relevant and not like you’re the wealthy relative that no one actually wants to hang out with at family events, but it’s no one else’s fault that you are the way that you are, with your stupid pinstripes and gaudy ballpark. Trying to force reigniting the rivalry just makes you look desperate. Why are you tweeting about us? Don’t you have anything better to do, like unnecessarily pop champagne you don’t deserve? Stay in your fucking lane, or I’ll call Varitek.

Now, let me explain something to you, Yankees: you’re pathetic. You popped that champagne to celebrate the possibility of getting into the postseason. Not clinching, not even winning the wild card game, just qualifying for it. You celebrated having a chance to play in a game that can get you into the postseason. And no one’s even won the division yet, so you could technically still win, but you’re already celebrating the runner-up slot? That’s basically admitting you’re not worthy. No wonder Jeter wanted to buy a different team; he can’t get far away fast enough.

Not only that, but the Red Sox have been in first place for almost all of the second half of this season, and you caught us for what, half a second? We’re not even that good, but because you and the rest of our division are so much worse, we’ve managed to stay in first place for literally months. So, thanks. Not only do you make an ass of yourselves online and on the field, but you’re helping us in the record books. We’ll be sure to send you something red when we get back-to-back division wins.

PS: I was actually born in New York, so you know I really, truly hate you, Yankees.