It was round about late Tuesday morning when I felt that nagging little irritating spot in my sinus cavity. Like when a piece of dandelion fluff goes up your nose, and you can’t get it out. Not even sixteen hours later, my entire throat was on fire, and I would be staying home from work that day.

A day an a half later, it was clear that the shit had settled into my bronchioles. Every breath would crackle and wheeze with the sound of mucous. I coughed so much, I thought my throat might tear open, leaving me to drown in my own blood. Somehow I survived.

Do you want to know the most amazing thing about this rapid onset of bronchitis? It’s the fact that I haven’t had bronchitis in over nine years! I used to get this stuff once or twice a year, but back in 2010, I started vaping, and a year and a half later I had smoked my last cigarette.

Over time, I had stopped coughing up lung butter every morning in the shower. Of course I had a few colds here and there, but it never settled into my chest like this one just did.

Now these days I know how fashionable it is to shit all over vaping and criticize how it’s getting young kids hooked on nicotine with fruity flavors, but the harsh reality is they would have been smoking “Black and Milds” or “Kool” cigarettes otherwise.

I hardly vape anymore. I fill my tank maybe once every two weeks… Maybe. I charge the battery about as often. I keep it around more as a security blanket than as an actual daily habit. Whether I’m using it or not, I’d like to continue to hang onto it if it’s all the same, thank you.

But this past week my new found superpower had failed me, and my throat is a raw, soar snot coated tube of flesh that reminds me just how delicate the balance is for health and wellness.

Stay healthy.

Kudos

George and darkmare continue their generous roles in providing jokes for our enjoyment. Of course anyone can contribute by using our submission page, or sending an e-mail to flush2x@gmail.com. Thank you for your support.

Some of you have been wondering, “So what happened? Why don’t you credit Glenn anymore?” In short, nothing. Glenn still sends me jokes, but I don’t use them. Honestly, he keeps sending me the same jokes, over and over and over again, and either I’ve already used them, or the jokes are so bad that I could not even entertain the notion of including them in the collection. (Seriously, they are just head-scratchingly bad.)

I’ve mentioned this site to Glenn numerous times before, but he’s an old friend who has never even bothered to visit Flush Twice. He’s kind of a refugee from the ancient times of AOL, and I think he gets the bulk of his material through Facebook these days.

Most of the older jokes on this site were contributed by him, and if the joke was particularly raunchy, it was probably one that Glenn sent me. He also sends me vulgar and politically incorrect comics, pictures of naked women, and links to videos that would make Benny Hill blush.

But there have been many contributors that I have never credited over the years. Dan, Darrin, James, Justin, Kenny, and many more. I never hear from them these days, and some of them, like Kenny are no longer with us.

While it’s been technically possible to give individual credits for the jokes, even the people contributing the jokes didn’t personally write them, and generally the people I know don’t want their names showing up in public places, much less placed along side material that could possibly be taken offensively.

I can understand that. Up until 2008, I didn’t even feel comfortable enough to sign my own comics, and it was not until 2016 that I signed my comics with my full name… Though technically my first name is actually Dietrich. It’s a name that has been shortened much like you would shorten Matthew to “Matt”, Johnathon to “John”, Albert to “Al”, or Timothy to “You’re a fucking asshole, Tim.”

So we digressed a little bit, but in case anyone was worried, Glenn is doing fine, and he still sends me jokes… Just not any new jokes.

Kudos

Speaking of people providing me with jokes: It’s still darkmare and George providing the jokes for this week. Some of them are pretty good as well! You can send me jokes to be featured on Flush Twice by using our submission page, or just fire off an e-mail to flush2x@gmail.com. As always, your contributions are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

So by now, it should be warming up, but this past week, the Midwestern United States saw some rather low temps, and a lotta snow. On Friday I could have literally taken a snowmobile to work. It’s winter here, and it’s normal to have this.

Honestly, I remember it being a lot snowier in the past. Although Ohio didn’t see the worst of it, the blizzard of ’78 was pretty big. It was typical for us to get a lot of snow in the winter, and I frequently went skiing at the local ski resorts as a kid. Of course these days it’s snowing one week, and raining the next. One minute the temperatures are below zero and the next thing you know, it’s 50°F. It’s chaotic.

One good thing. My heating bill isn’t as high as it used to be.

Hmmm…

Kudos

Fortunately, darkmare and George are still on the job! They generously contributed this week’s jokes. To put it another way: If they weren’t still sending jokes to Flush Twice, there wouldn’t be any new jokes to read. I still take time to do the comic and these rants, but I got a lot of other things to take care of, so it really helps me out to have people sending jokes to our submission page, or use the old fashioned email system and mailto:flush2x@gmail.com. Contributions are much appreciated.

Maybe some of you will recall… About a decade ago I was about to be deployed to Iraq when a medical issue came up. I tried to minimize it, but the Army wasn’t taking any chances and shipped me back home. I had to have surgery to fix it, and I thought everything would be OK… Then another medical issue popped up… Or rather out. I had an umbilical hernia than required another surgery. And for some reason my recovery wasn’t going very well. My health really started taking a nose dive, and that’s when a blood test revealed I had a very severe case of hypothyroidism.

About 6 months later an endocrinologist did some more blood tests to find out I was suffering from a rather nasty case of Hashimoto’s disease. This isn’t like that chubby emo girl’s thyroid condition where she uses it to whine and complain every g–damn day of her life. The blood tests were quite clear that I have a severe autoimmune response to thyroid, and the doctors don’t hold back at throwing thyroid prescriptions at me. I have to take about 300mcg of levothyroxine every day in case you’re wondering. Sometimes I switch over to Naturethroid, but for now it’s the synthetic T4.

There is no cure for autoimmune disease, and for the most part I just go on with life… But every once in a while I’ll have one of those “Hashi Flare Ups”, and it will just ruin my fucking week. Every g–damn joint is on fire. Moving is hell. My neck is tender, I swell up like a tick, and my head feels like it’s about to explode… Or rather it was. It started to clear up Saturday.

I’ll be OK, but man I hate this shit.

Kudos

Well, it seems that our mystery contributor last week was none other than “darkmare”. So thank you darkmare for the jokes, and thanks for using the submission page. Also the usual thanks goes out to George. It always means so much to me to have people sending me jokes. Of course anyone can send in the jokes via our submission page, or send an email to flush2x@gmail.com. Your contributions make my efforts at keeping Flush Twice online a genuine pleasure.

So last week I got a call from work. They wanted me back on first shift, and they had already let the last remaining 3rd shift temp go. To be honest, I was relieved. I had had enough, and was eager to return to days.

Don’t get me wrong. I actually enjoy working 3rd shift, but this time it was different. It wasn’t like it used to be. I couldn’t just go in, do my job, and go home. I had to deal with a whole bunch of random chaos every night.

So what’s it like now that I’m back on 1st? Well, it’s basically still chaos, but at least there are other people I know and trust to help me through it.

Kudos

Some of the daily jokes were provided by George, but a couple were left in the queue by an anonymous donor. Thanks goes out to George and whoever the mystery contributor is. It means a lot. If anyone else would like to add jokes to the site, you can do so on our submission page, or send an email to flush2x@gmail.com.

Flush Twice proudly presents:

GET THE PLUNGER!

What is Flush Twice?

Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic in the sidebar that updates every Saturday. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.

Jokes are generously provided by visitors like yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail flush2x@gmail.com. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!

So what makes a joke funny? Well, it boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.

Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.