Chelsea up offer for Wayne Rooney by a sack of spuds and a granny

Chelsea football club today dramatically increased the pressure on Manchester United to sell Wayne Rooney, by offering him a sack of potatoes and the unlimited use of a granny.

Rooney’s spokesman said: ‘Wayne says that he finds this offer totally unacc – unass – uncc – not on. He’s happy with the granny element, but he wants a supply of peanuts as well, so we’re in delicate discussions with Manchester United about it.’

Man U’s manager, Sir Alex – um, David Thingy, said: ‘Wayne isn’t for sale. Is he? Oh is he? So he might be… Er, we’ll have to think about this.’