Friday, November 6, 2015

REDNECK PICKUP LINES by Kayce Lassiter

Hey all, how ya doing? Fine at this end. Well, as most of you know, I’m half country
and half redneck, so I love the weird shit that rednecks do…the more redneck,
the better.

The Butterscotch Martini Girls did this
week’s Blab on “Worst Pickup Lines” and we had a ball with it. Be sure you read through to the end of this
article to find the link that will take you over to see the blab, which
includes some of the Redneck Pickup Lines that I will share here—and a lot
more. So kick back and don’t take any of
this seriously. We’re just having fun! LOL

We’ve all heard the jokes about rednecks
with no teeth, but who the hell woulda thought they’d actually build the image
into pickup lines?

Here’s a couple of my
fav’s.

·Hey baby, nice tooth.

·I might be missing teeth, but that just leaves more room for
your tongue.

·I borrowed my daddy’s teeth just fer you.

Okay, the one that stands out here for
me is the one about borrowing daddy’s teeth.
That’s just icky and makes me cringe every time I read it. I’m a firm believer that everyone in the
family should have their own set of teeth!
And I’ve always said that I insist on a man who has teeth—and wears
them.

Well, I’m sure you’ve noticed that men
have a fascination with bodily functions, and this is just magnified if the man
is a redneck.

·My Love fer you is like diarrhea - I kin't hold it in. (Seriously? Don’t do
this!)

·Did you fart? 'Cuz
you just blew me away!

·Have I shown you my outhouse?

Okay, where do I start? The word diarrhea and fart have absolutely no
place in a pickup line…EVER. And showing
the outhouse tends to imply that it’s part of the standard tour. Uh…ladies…the appropriate answer here would
be “NO!” Right before you bolt for the
car or signal the bouncer.

Alright, what would an article on
anything redneck be without Nascar, monster trucks, and dip sticks?

I’m giving the redneck guy credit here
and assuming he’s really talking about an engine dip stick. And I will admit that I was stumped by who
Ricky Bobby was. So I looked it up and
found he was the character Will Ferrell played in Talladega
Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Okay, my
bad…someone is probably already on their way to my door to make me turn in my
redneck card. But, seriously, if Will
Ferrell played the character, it stands to reason that he doesn’t belong in
your pickup line. That’s a given,
people!

Now, here’s
where it gets dicey. Rednecks and
family. Who’s related, who’s not? We’ve all heard the stories and, yep, there’s
a pickup line for that.

·Girl you must be my cousin, cuz I sure wanna “do” you.

·Hey baby, wanna go back to my place? Mamma said you had to be home by 10.

·Are yer parents retarded?
Cuz you sure are special.

There were actually a lot more pickup lines
out there with references to family, but I don’t think it takes all that many
to get the gist. Do you?

No mention of redneck pickup lines
would be complete without a mention of hunting or fishing. So here’s a couple of those for your reading
enjoyment.

·Your hair’s as purdy as that squirrel I skinned this
morning. And it smells just as good!

·I just got back from fishing. Want to see my rod?

I almost feel sorry for the guy with
the squirrel. I think he probably meant
well, but I’m pretty sure he got slapped.

Alright, we all know that rednecks love
their alcohol and…shocker…there are
even redneck pickup lines that center around drinking.

·A few more beers, and I'd prob’ly do ya. So jest gimme me a minute darlin’.

·Want a drink? The still’s in my camper—or as I call it—my
sheep shack.

Hey men,
the first one is guaranteed to get you punched, and the 2nd one will
get you shot. Refrain! I must admit, however, that I’m
intrigued by a still in the camper.
Where can I get one of those? Do
they make butterscotch martinis?

Now, this
next group gets the “sorry ass” award, which means the guy tried but somehow
fell seriously short of anything remotely effective…because we all know they
did NOT work.

·Can you help me find my puppy? I think he went into this
cheap motel room.

·I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer
bed-rock.

·I bet your father was a good farmer, cause you’re one fine
hoe.

·Hey you looking for a stud in your life? Cause I got the STD, all I need is U.

Wow.
Some of these guys really are too stupid to live. And as for the guy with the STD…WTF was he
thinking?

So, now we get to the “didn’t even see
the finish line” winners. These are the
ones where they thought they were being cute and sexy and ended up parked
solidly on the “disgusting” line. We’ve
all met them, but I just pray to God that none of us have ever fallen for any
of these!

·Well, aren't you hotter than a mama cougar in heat running
from my hunting dogs in August?

·I am cooking out so if you want some juicy sausage come on
over.

·You’ve got 206 bones in your body. Want one more?

·Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

·Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over
3000 rpm?

·Is there a mirror in yer pants? 'Cuz I can see myself in ‘em.

·Hey you remember that BBQ, when I slapped my meat on your
grill.

·If you were a tree and I was a squirrel, i'd store my nuts
in you.

Seriously? Don’t you boys have some wings to pull off
flies? And, ladies, if any of you did
fall for one of these, be advised that you will need to turn in your girl card
by the end of the week. I don’t think
I’ll ever be able to look at a wrench or a grill the same way again.

This next group of pickup lines is
actually my favorite…mostly because they are just so wrong.

·Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Cuz you've got a pretty sweet ass.

·If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep ‘til
afternoon.

Is it wrong that I kinda think the
first one is cute and that I totally understand the one about sleeping until
afternoon? Come on, you know you’ve been
there!

And now for the awwww award….

·Can I get a picture with you so I can show Santa what I want
for Christmas?

Seriously, men? There are 32 pickup lines here and only one
with a snowball’s chance in hell of working?
Someone needs to step up their game!
I‘m just sayin…

Okay, what’s your worst or best pickup line? We’d all love to hear it! And what we really want to know is…did it
work? Doesn’t matter if you used it or
heard it, inquiring minds want to know!