Note: The following is a parody meant to be a tribute to our Wildgirl, and is intended to show the utmost admiration and respect for one of our favorite posters.

So I got up this morning 18 minutes late, the Wildclock did not do what it was supposed to do, and remained silent, no doubt taking pleasure in the fact that I would be running behind all day, and getting totally stressed out.

I ran into the kitchen where I decided that I finally needed to rearrange things in there before heading out to job #1. I called hubby #16 and asked him to call job #1 to tell them I'd be a little late, and then went about doing a total remodeling of the kitchen. 20 minutes later, after installing a new floor, and replacing all of the cabinets, I stumbled upon a note from the dentist that I must've overlooked--not surprising, as last Thursday, hubby #8 brought the mail in and there was World War 3 when I discovered that he had maxed out my Providian card yet again by deciding that he needed to take advantage of the Penny's White Sale and bought 35 gross of Ralph Lauren sheet sets, even though he's never slept in a bed his entire life!

Anyway, the dentist said he needed to see me on Wednesday at 3:30, which obviously was today! Okay, no problem. I still had time to get to job #1 and serve up 546 meals and then go outside and rebuild the engine on the Wildmobile. Damn car--wouldn't you know it? I couldn't get the job totally done because hubby #5 had borrowed my 3/4" ratchet last August and never bothered to return it. I made do, however, by using my teeth (I'll hear about this from the WildDentist at 3:30!) to make the final adjustments on my engine.

So, I still had some time before heading to WildDentist, so I ran home to watch Dr. Phil on Oprah. He had Jerry Springer on as a guest. Jerry was having anxiety problems due to the fact that he heard I was going to be a guest on the show, but Phil was able to make things better for him. Oprah just sat on the side eating a ham.

Before leaving the house and heading out to job #2 where I do part time crane operating on high bridges, hubby #3 stopped by because he wanted to say hello and borrow my Chase Mastercard. I told him there was no way he was going to take that credit card, so he'd better just come up with another plan for whatever it was he was going to rob me blind over. Of course, I then felt bad--those puppy dog eyes and all--so before I handed that plastic over to him, I made him a snack. After I cleaned up the leftovers from the 23 pound turkey and crown roast I made for him, he belched happily, patted me on the head, and headed out to the local Mercury Dealer. Lord knows why he wanted the plastic, but I'll worry about that later.

Okay, after I finished with the crane, I headed out to see WildDentist. He wagged his finger at me for using my teeth on the engine overhaul, and then told me that my last 19 root canals weren't really done the way he'd like, so he wants to redo them before going ahead with the other 4 root canals (which I don't really need, but I'm so used to going there, and we have such fun together, I figured, why not just go ahead and do them anyway).

With my mouth swollen so much that it looked like I had two heads, I called job #3 and told them I would not be able to do a quadruple shift tonight. This is the job where I'm a bouncer, and I knew that after getting through a triple, I'd be wiped, so they grudgingly agreed to allow me to only do 3 shifts. That's a break because it'll allow me time to take hubby #15 to meet with the credit councilor--though I always wonder if it's credit counciling that's really going on with that blonde woman he meets in that room while I'm sitting out in the Wildmobile waiting for him.

And now I see that Capital One is sitting on the table waiting to be opened. Oh well, I'll deal with that later.

When Life Gives You Lemons
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