(Closed) Procrastinating on Proposal?

I’m new to the WeddingBee community, but it sure is nice to know that there are some other people out there struggling with waiting for engagement.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. Yes, 7. We met when I was a senior and he was a junior in high school, so we’re both quite young (23 and 24).

When we first discussed engagement 4+ years ago, he made it clear to me that he wanted autonomy over when and how the proposal would happen. So I didn’t ask or mention it for a long time. Honestly, I had no interest in being engaged through the first 4 years of our relationship, but I began to hope for it after we started living together (a little less than 3 years ago).

We discussed engagement 2 years ago, and he told me that he had some conditions that needed to be met before he would consider proposing:

We both had to graduate college

We both had to be employed in real, full-time jobs

I agreed that this was practical and that this would be our timeline.

He got a job 2 months after graduation, and subconsciously I started thinking that it was only a matter of time now, because the conditions had been met.

That was a little less than a year ago. And for a long time I told myself I was ok with waiting, that it didn’t matter, that our life together is so wonderful that marriage was just for when we wanted to start having kids…

But I’m not okay. I’m sick of calling him my “boyfriend” when he’s so much more to me. I want to declare our love in front of all our loved ones. I want to be married at least a year or two before we start trying for kids, which I’d like to do around age 28. And it’s been SEVEN YEARS.

It doesn’t help that literally every single friend I hang out with frequently is married or engaged. One just had a baby last week.

So here’s my question: do I tell him to get his act together? I don’t want to issue an ultimatum (I could never break up with him) but I’m very tempted to give him a timeline, like saying “I would like to get married next summer. Ideally, I’d like more than 6 months to plan the wedding. If you’d like to propose, please do so in a timeframe that will let that happen.”

I mentioned this to my mom and a couple female friends and they all reacted with horror and basically told me that if I did that I would be destroying the romance and emasculating him and being a controlling girlfriend. Yay…

My fear is this: this man is a PROCRASTINATOR. A real absentminded professor type. He can only ever focus on one thing at a time and plans with multiple moving parts (like a proposal) completely shut him down. I’m an A-type and I am perfectly happy to help him keep track of doctor’s appointments and oil changes and budgets and applications and stuff. But society says I’m not allowed to help him with this. I’m worried that he’ll just vaguely procrastinate on it until I lose my mind and snap.

@twofishgirl14: The best thing I can say it to sit down with him and discuss it in a non-pressuring fashion. Be calm, rational, and try to hide the emotion if at all possible. Be prepared for an answer you might not like. Be prepared for anything really. Personally, if it bothers you that much, you could propose to him, and see what he says. It’s not the most popular choice, but if he’s a real procrastinator, then you might have to!

I would share what you want for yourself in life and acknowledge that you don’t see going beyond a certain point if you aren’t engaged. Be clear and specific. Focus only on what you want for yourself with him. Ask if he wants that too.

Be prepared to accept his response (either to be engaged within a certain timeframe or to break up). Otherwise, you have to wait until he’s ready if you want him to propose to you. You can only control your life. He has to decide for himself what is right and at what time.

SO and I have been together for 7 years as well, started dating spring of our senior year of high school! I’m 25, and he’ll be 25 next month. We’ve lived together since October 2010, he’s been working full time at the same (really good) job for three years.

He is FINALLY ready to propose. I’ve been ready since we graduated (we also went to the same college), but it was only as of March this year that he was really okay with us talking about getting married. I proposed a wedding date–April 2, 2016, which is our 10th anniversary–thinking it would give him enough time to get his shit together. He’s not much of a planner, he needs to be nudged.

Then this past weekend we had an awesome conversation, moved our timeline up a year, and he will be buying the ring within the next week! I asked that we be officially engaged by the end of the summer, but then I mentioned a week that would be the perfect time…which happens to be 2 months from now.

So basically…I know it’s tough to be patient, but you just have to feel him out and pick a good time to talk about it. Once SO decided he was ready, it was like a complete 180 and now he’s very willing to talk wedding things.

I think that there’s a happy medium between demanding a proposal and swallowing your feelings. You should be able to have an adult conversation about whether he wants to get married and a general idea of when. I definitely think you shouldn’t pressure him, but I think it’s totally fair to bring it up and see if you’re on the same page.

I really would recommend talking to him 🙂 it is absolutely entirely possible to talk about your future with this guy to this guy without ruining any of the romance or making him feel unmanly, do the women you talked to not realise that the year is 2013 already? 🙂 women are allowed to have some control over thier own futures, or at least get some idea of whats going on.

asking about where he’s at right now or even giving him a rough timeline like your example (though next summer may be a little soon for him to get his head round and then act on it), probably wouldn’t hurt anything, though you may need to prepare to be disappointed if he isn’t willing to talk about it properly (and then i would suggest dropping it for a while).

No offense but ignore your mother on this one…we live in the 21st century if he can’t accept that you want to be involved in the process (which it sounds like he does want you involved), then he doesn’t understand your personality type. I’m the exact same, type A personality and it drives my boyfriend nuts but he understands and accepts that about me.

Honestly, the other Bees have it covered you need to talk to him and you can’t be afraid to speak your mind! If it’s been seven years I’m sure he will be able to take your brutal honesty by now lol.

Definitely talk to him. I once just inquired about my bfs timeline for a proposal since we had never talked about it before and he had a ring the next month. Seriously if a guy wants to propose he will do it. If he’s not ready then that’s it but at least ask. He probably feels like he doesn’t need to since you already live together. That’s part of the reason I would never live with FI before the ring.

Propose to him to propose to you. Make a huge big proposal where you have rose petals and “Will you Ask Me To Marry You?” written with lipstick on a mirror with the box with the ring you want in it (or a temporary ring, if you feel like he should buy the ‘real’ one).

Hopefully he’ll pick the ring up, turn around and say “Babe, will you marry me?”

@twofishgirl14: You could literally be talking about me and my SO, I am the planner and do-er and he is the procrastinator. BIG TIME. I think having a light, chilled chat with him will help. Ignore your mother. It is 2013 we are allowed to have some say over our life and future. Me and my Mum disagree on this too if this helps. I suggested putting money towards my ring and her face nearly fell off with shock. Like what the hell Mum? It ain’t the middle ages. Have a chat to your SO and just say exactly what you told us. You would like to be married, you would like time to plan etc. Good luck!

@NickiBee: I just don’t think that in a world where women bang on about equality and equal rights they then can’t be allowed to help pay for a ring because its a man’s job.

It’s a bit backwards. Yes, it would be nice if my SO spent 100% of his own money on a ring for me, but considering I earn a considerable amount more than him, I think it is rude to expect him to pay for it all. Marraige is about helping each other and sharing responsibility, so why can’t you apply those values to buying a ring?

But yes. I agree that OP’s fella may need a little nudge in the right direction 😉

@MsBeer: I can see that side if things. But I also see it as if you want to get married and have a wedding, which is a very traditional practice in today’s time, as it’s not something that’s considered necessary.

You can’t be too surprised at her reaction when you suggest something non-traditional like going halfsies on a ring. I’m sure in our parents times this is just something that wasn’t a common practice. I’m sure ‘waiting’ would be a foreign concept too.

Some traditions remain more than others, but if doing something differently works for a cpl more power to them. I just wouldn’t be surprised if the reaction is tradition-based.

Thank you so much for the advice! He and I talked last night and it went great! Just as I suspected, he just needed a wake up nudge to get him moving. He also thinks we should get married sooner rather than later, but he honest to god had never actually thought about the logistics of timing the proposal. And because I’ve tried to hide so much of my angst about this from him (because I wasn’t supposed to “pressure” him) he genuinely thought that I didn’t care very much about when this happened. We talked and I helped him understand about the tradtional/societal pressures on women to not look desperate or bitchy when it comes to getting engaged, and why I would hide my feelings from him in this matter.

As soon as he realized that I’ve been going crazy waiting for him to take the initiative, he immediately saw the light and said “What are we waiting for? Let’s go pick out a ring this weekend!”

!!!!!! !!!!!!!

He really didn’t mind that I had to give him a kick in the butt about this. He actually apologized for not thinking about it from my perspective before. Love that man.