marmite

how are you? well i hope. is it just me or has april been another january? as in, it’s felt like it has lasted about 700 weeks. it is finally the end of the month which means i can use my favourite meme in this post because…

how am i? well, this month i’ve mainly spent it feeling like i’m in the way and a bit forgotten if i’m honest. which, i know sounds to most either

bratty

utterly ridiculous

a bit pathetic

the thing is, i know it is probably all of the above but it’s how i have been feeling. so shoot me, why don’t ya. it’s a feeling i’ve tried (unsuccessfully) to shake off. i know people are just very busy and that i am not the centre of their world. i know that cancelled plans and minimal communication is just a result of people being busy and having more important things taking up their time but it’s still how i’ve been feeling and i wont lie to you. and i wont apologise for it either because, as i’ve told many a person, you should never apologise for how you feel.

in a complete 180 i have also been feeling very inspired by all the marathon runners, both Brighton and London. how fantastic are they all? (answer: very)

our very own Teddy’s Tribe did it, raising a phenomenal amount of money in the process. the cheerleaders spent their time wandering around Brighton seafront (one of my favourite places in England, just FYI) sporting their Teddy’s Tribe Foundation T Shirts, and myself the chipped tooth and fat lip i gained courtesy of my nephew on the train down there.

hero of the month

celebrity

Jameela Jamil

i have followed Jameela for what feels like years now. i remember her presenting on T4 back in the day but i really started to love her when i started reading her columns in Glamour magazine. at least i think it was Glamour, it might have been Cosmo, it was one of them. i loved how ballsy she was, i loved that she didn’t hold any prisoners, i loved that she had fucking opinions like a real person and not some puppet created by a PR company to give the generally acceptable answers that didn’t differ from the status quo.

in more recent times people will know her as Tahani in NBC’s ‘The Good Place’. holy forking shirtballs it’s good. it’s one of those shows that are very easy to watch.

she also runs two Instagram accounts, one of which is the reason she is my celebrity hero this month.

‘I Weigh’ is a movement. a movement that encourages people to see themselves as more than the number on the scale because that is only part, a small part, of what we are. it’s bloody fantastic.

personal

there isn’t one this month. sorry, i just generally hate everyone this month sooooo

book of the month

giving myself a pat on the back because i read not one, not two but THREE books this month.

learning more about people April edition was : Patti Smith – Just Kids

what a story. a story of friendship, love and survival. a story based in one of the best cities in the world – NYC. a story that shows that success is not an overnight job for anyone. hard work is rewarded. a beautiful read that i would highly recommend.

Joanna Nadin – The Queen of Bloody Everything

a novel. this was sent to me for freee (i love it when that happens). i had to read it and then give my feedback on it. what i loved about this is that, whilst it was a love story, the main love story wasn’t based on romantic love but rather parental. the main relationship was between a mother and daughter – and we all know how complicated they can be.

Dolly Alderton – Everything I Know about Love

now this was supposed to be my ‘learn more about other people: May edition’ book but i read it in one day. so i need a new book for may, if you have any suggestions then send them to me.

my friend Amy, upon seeing i was reading this, said to me she wants to start a cult of dolly. well, Amy, sign me up. i devoured this book. every 20 something woman needs it.

i also realised after i finished that i always seem drawn to people and the stories of people that aren’t necessarily traditional. a lot of the biographies i read the people have made royal cock ups, or have had their hearts shattered, or have some form of mental illness. they’ve experienced the very worst of what life can give you, felt terribly alone, or like a failure, like they’ve been left behind but have lived to tell the tale. their stories fill me with hope and a sense of calm. they make me feel less alone, i guess.

soundtrack to the month.

there have been three songs on repeat for me across this month.

patti smith – because the night

anne-marie – 2002

chris lane – take back home girl.

bad joke of the month

this got me giggling this month

food of the month

i’ve been enjoying yoghurt pouches like the 5 year old i am and also, lots of tea and biscuits. as lent finished i’ve been making up for lost time. oh and MARMITE CHEESE. my mouth is watering just writing that. motherforking shirt balls, it’s delicious.

realisation of the month

i will always have a love-hate relationship with people. they fascinate me, but they also piss me right off.

april 2018

i’ve been thinking a lot about stories this month. everyone’s life is a story and we try to write it simply as beginning – middle – end but perhaps we have it wrong. perhaps our stories aren’t as simple as that. perhaps they are lots of little stories that each has their own beginning –middle – end. maybe the people we meet are who make up the chapters. maybe we need to let go of the role we think people play in our stories to see the role they really play. i’m sure i’ve played the heroine in some, the villain in others. i’m sure i have hurt people in ways i can never make up for even though it hurts to admit that. perhaps my ability to face the things i don’t want to, the things i convinced myself i wasn’t strong enough to make me the hero of some stories, perhaps it makes me the hero of my own story. the character i play in other people’s lives, the role i’m cast in is not mine to decide, really. some chapters, no matter how much time passes, will still be painful to revisit, as painful as they were when they came to an end. these chapters will mean we actively avoid things; places, foods, movies and music because they remind us of that pain and reliving some stories are too painful. at least for now. one day we’ll gain those things back – sure, deep down we’ll hear that song and remember that person that broke our heart, or that friend that let us down, but one day, we’ll be able to claim back those things and rewrite their meaning in our chapters, in our stories. at least that’s what i’m hoping.

Tattoos are a bit like marmite. You either love them or hate them. I have 6 tattoos now so clearly I love them.

The reasons for getting (or not) getting tattoos are different for everybody. For me, my tattoos represent me and things I’ve done/ gone through and what is important to me; they are a little extension of me if you like.

Of course, everyone has opinions on tattoos especially my parents. My mum always looks at me with a puzzled look on her face that says “but, why?” whereas my dad normally looks at it and then stays quiet. Neither of my sisters have tattoos so I guess I am the alternative child; the one that decides to permanently scar their body with inkings. Over the years my parents have got used to it, my dad recently said to me (after I got another piercing a few weeks back) “any day you don’t come home with a tattoo on your face is a good day” – that my friends, is the closest I’ve come to acceptance of my ways from dad, baby steps and all that 🙂

Everyone has opinions on my tattoos and my general response is something along these lines….

I get it though, I understand that people don’t understand.

As I said before, my tattoos are a little extension of me, so here I explain what they are, where they are, and why I got them.

Stars

This tattoo is the closest I have come to regretting getting one. I don’t regret it, because at the time it was what I wanted and, as Charlie said today, “What’s the point in regretting something, it’s already done”. The only reason I want to get this changed ( the idea is already in my head, I just need to book it) is because it doesn’t mean anything to me. I was 18 and wanted a tattoo, that’s why I got it and, now, for me that’s not a good enough reason so I’m going to cover it with something that does mean something to me.

Treble Clef

Growing up I was a big performing arts geek. I was in all the productions, all the choirs, went to the after school dance classes. All that jazz. In fact, when I was in secondary school Choir was my favourite part of the week, singing and music has always been my best form of therapy. Even now you can’t shut me up. I am that annoying person that turns what you say into a song #notsorry. So this tattoo represents that. It represents my love of all things musical, and the epic epic times I shared with my fellow stage kids.

Passport Stamp

This one is one of my personal favourites. My parents had slightly different reactions – my dad said, and I quote, “Is she f*cking mental?”.

Those of you that know me well will know myself and one of my best friends (Jade) took three months out in 2013 and travelled together across the states, in an RV (with Dale accompanying us from Cali -> Florida).

We saw so much that summer, did so much, there was no way we couldn’t commemorate it. We had spoken for years about getting a matching travel based tattoo because we had travelled so much over Europe together and we toyed with the idea of planes, paper airplanes, maps, globes…you name something travel related, we probably discussed it. Then, one day, we were sitting in a bar with Dale and his pals, and it popped into (I think it was my) head. Finally after 3 years, we’d decided. Wink, one of Dale’s friends, recommended a tattooist to us and the next day we booked it, the day after we got inked.

And no, the WT doesn’t meant “White Trash” as Byng suggested.

Roman Numerals

This one was about commemorating my brother. He would have been 5 years older, but unfortunately he was still born. Now I believe very much in spirits and tarots and all that jazz ,(I don’t believe that when you die ‘that’s it’; I believe there is more to all this than that.) and I have been told by 2 separate people (one that I know, one that I didn’t) that my brother is my guardian angel. So I decided to get his birthday – 28th November – tattooed on my shoulder as a shout out to him and him being my guardian angel; sitting on my shoulder looking after me. This is also the ONLY tattoo I’ve got that my parents had nothing bad to say about; it was for their son after all.

28/11

PAL

My second matching tattoo; this time with my BFF Mark. Mark is one of my favourite people in the world. We met at uni through a mutual friend and after living together for a year in 3rd year we realised we were kindred spirits and have been stuck together ever since – I’m not sure who drew the short straw there. We call each other ‘pal’, never by our real names. If we real name each other it’s serious you know, like when your mum ‘full names’ you, you know shit just got real. So we decided to each write out ‘Pal’ and get it tattooed on us, I have Mark’s handwriting, he has mine. The strangest thing was we’d both decided where we wanted to get it separately and when we told each other it was the same place – on the inner ankle. Mine is on my left ankle, his on his right.

PAL. ( I tried to get my Star Wars socks in on the action but I couldn’t get the angle right)

Semi colon.

My third matching tattoo and the newest ink in my collection. This one matches with my girl Charlie. Both of us have suffered with anxiety and depression and we have been ill at the same time with it. Having someone who is going through it at the same as you can make you feel a little less alone, at least it did me. Depression is one of those illnesses that, unless you’ve had it, you can’t really understand it so having someone else who understands the ups and downs and has lived it themselves is priceless. The semi colon represents our joint battle with ‘the craziness’ as we call it. When writing you can either end the sentence with a full stop or use a semi colon to carry it on. Depression is the same. At it’s worst you can be overcome with the urge to hurt yourself, and in some cases commit suicide (the full stop), or you can get help and try to get better and carry on (the semi colon). I’m pleased to say both Charlie and I are carrying on.

Still a bit sore, but I already love it and everything it represents.

It is true what they say; tattoos are addictive. I already have another 3 planned plus a cover up of the stars. I love a good tattoo. Clearly.

What do you think of tattoos? Would you ever get one?

Ink on, man. Ink on! (No I don’t know what that means, it just came out)

Micks

xoxox

P.S if you don’t already, you need to watch Tattoo Fixers on E4. Hilarious stories behind awful tattoos and there are 3 incredible tattooists/artists on the show. The receptionist Paisley is just an added bonus; she is a little firecracker and I love her sass.