Apple Valley family walks the path of grief with joy

APPLE VALLEY — A local mother who lost her child to cancer believes the grieving process is different for every hurting heart.

As Wendy Pederson sorts through her late son Brendan’s possessions, she told the Daily Press her “grief journey” has been a series of twists and turns since losing her 12-year-old nearly five years ago.

“It’s been a long road, but I know that no one can define anyone’s grief journey — they’re all so different,” said Pederson, who resides in Apple Valley with her family. “People need to understand how to listen to those that are hurting and to allow them to grieve at their own pace.”

Brendan Pederson died about five weeks after doctors discovered a cancerous tumor on his brain stem. His parents were at his side when their son took his last breath.

Every September, the Pedersons honor Brendan’s life by spreading the news of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month by posting photos of their son on Facebook and asking others to “be brave” and to sport the color gold for their son and other children who have been affected by the disease.

“When Brendan was diagnosed, we were all in shock. But we were so thankful the Lord took Brendan before he began to suffer,” said Pederson, who credits God, family and friends for supporting them as they walked their path of grief.

Pederson said her husband, Mitch, and their 13-year old daughter, Shelby, are dealing with the loss of Brendan in “different ways.”

She said many of the family’s emotions were revealed when Pederson recently decided to start giving away some of Brendan’s most prized possessions to friends and family who knew him.

“Shelby talks to us when she has a question about Brendan, but she’s pretty quiet for the most part,” Pederson said. “She helps me sort through his things and pack up Bibles for Brendan's Bible Blessings, but I think she just wants to be a normal kid.”

Pederson said the feeling of “losing Brendan again” swept over her when she first thought of giving away her son’s belongings. But in time, she began to realize it was the “memories attached” to the items that were important.

“We starting taking pictures of Brendan’s stuff and starting putting them in a scrapbook,” Pederson said. “Now, we can look back and relive those memories and his clothes and toys can bless others."

Pederson said her daughter is a “private person” who does not have a huge attachment to any of her brother’s things, except for his Pokemon cards.

To help process her grief, Shelby Pederson began journaling her feelings, and even wrote a few letters to her brother to express her thoughts, Pederson said.

According to Pederson, her husband’s love for Brendan is “very deep” and he’s gotten to the point that he realizes that Brendan’s belongings won’t get him any closer to him or to the memories that he holds on to.

Pederson said her husband believes that “At some point, you get to the place where it’s just stuff and the stuff stands in the way of moving forward.”

“The first thing I let go of was Brendan’s Hot Wheels racetrack and some of his special Bionicles,” Pederson said. “We gave his train table to the kids at Sovereign Way Christian Church and one of his coats to a family that we know.”

Pederson, who said the family is keeping Brendan’s Legos, his tote of Hot Wheels and some of his video games, remarked that, “We’re not giving everything away, but we may start to let more go in time.”

The Pedersons are also keeping Brendan’s memory alive by sporting his favorite color in the form of green Lego decals on their cars and green keychains.

“Every March 26 is Heaven Day for us. That’s when we go to Brendan’s grave site at Desert View Cemetery and celebrate him going to Heaven,” Pederson said. “Some of our gatherings over the years have included up to 50 people. There’s been times when we released white doves or green balloons.”

Pederson said last year’s Heaven’s Day was “low key,” with only a few people in attendance. She plans on having a large celebration in March 26 to celebrate his fifth year of “Brendan going home to be with Jesus.”

Pederson said she’s learned to “show people a lot of grace” as they say the “wrong thing” in an attempt to comfort them.

“I think most of them don’t mean to be mean, but we’ve had people tell us to just get over our grief because he’s gone,” Pederson said. “We even had people compare the grief of Brendan’s death to the death of their dog. I think their intentions are good, but they just don’t understand.”

Pederson suggests people should simply, “Be there, be quiet and just listen,” when they try to comfort others in their grief.

“This whole journey has drawn us closer to the Lord and to each other as a family,” Pederson said. “Our tragedy has made us appreciate life so much more and to embrace the joy that comes through the good and the bad times."

For more information on the Pederson’s foundation, visit www.facebook.com/BrendanPedersonFoundation.BrendansBibleBlessings.

Rene Ray De La Cruz may be reached at 760-951-6227, RDeLa Cruz@VVDailyPress.com or on Twitter @DP_ReneDeLaCruz.

Never miss a story

Choose the plan that's right for you.
Digital access or digital and print delivery.