I went for a walk this morning and sat on a bench watching the sunshine dance on the ocean, stars glittering. As I walked back, the sun behind me, I noticed my shadow. And I thought; How important it is to keep our shadows in front of us. When we can face our shadows, accept them, deal with them, actually look at them, we can see that they are not us. They may be a part of us, of our life experience, but they do not have to define us.As the sun moves up and down our shadows can change shape. They may have fuzzy boundaries or clear ones. They can be small, compact, or long and stretched out. Who we are as a person, at our core remains standing. Solid.

We can still walk, one step in front of the other, with our shadows. They do not have to take hold of us. Or stop us from where we want to go.The light will always have our back.

It is March and it is cold here in New England. There is still a blanket of snow on the ground from February’s snow storms and it is very icy out there. This has caused my family to spend more time indoors than usual this winter...and yes, we all feel a bit cooped up and batty! Yesterday when I dropped my daughter off at school it was 5 degrees. This is what my window looked like. A mountain of frost.But being cooped up and cold is not why I am writing this post. Last week, after de-icing my car, I drove to my daughter’s school to volunteer. Children’s book author and illustrator Brian Lies was visiting. It was a window similar to this one several years ago that caused his young daughter to call on him and tell him what she saw in the frost line: it wasn’t a mountain, no, it was a bat swimming in the ocean. And that is how he decided to write his book, Bats at the Beach. Has your child ever seen something and shown you a new creative perspective on it? One of the things I loved about being a visiting artist at schools was watching children tapping into their own creativity, coming up with ideas beyond my own imagination and reminding me that creativity is limitless. When Brian asked the kids what it would be like if the bats came to the school library(where he was giving the talk) he looked up at the ceiling. He asked the kids to think from the bat’s point of view. If a bat hung by the lights and looked up the bat would see the pattern of the recessed ceiling panels. Except what he saw in those panels was a pattern of a giant honeycomb or waffle iron. Then he asked the children to imagine a bat pouring batter into the ceiling and creating a ginormous waffle to eat!Keeping a fresh eye, open to this kind of inspiration and visual interpretation is what has brought magic into his work and keeps not just the young ones inspired..but this grown-up child as well!!

Sometimes being invisible can be safe, but it doesn’t always get you where you want to go. We create impenetrable walls to protect ourselves. As a result, we shut out the light and then remain hidden and in the dark. We can’t be fully present and part of the world outside. And when something comes up, something we see that we really want to be part of, something we really want to be doing, or a place we really want to be going, we can get frustrated. Because it can be hard to break through our own protective wall. We may have to start feeling that fear that made us want to be invisible in the first place. We might realize that we have compromised ourselves. We can feel overwhelmed. The outside world is too much. We can panic. We can get stuck. We can feel like we are in a traffic jam. Doors locked. Horns honking. But we want to move.And then we want to scream “Let me out of here!” Is it possible to be safe and feel protected while moving forward and getting somewhere? When I ask myself this question now I think of the walking cardboard taxis. *********I never really listened to her or was a big fan. Whenever I saw a picture of her, the only thing I could think of was, That’s the girl from “You Can’t Do That on Television”. Back then cable tv was brand new and my grandparent’s summer home had cable before we ever did. The Nickelodeon Channel was super cool to me, and it was fun watching buckets of slime fall on people’s heads.. That left a big impression on me... Until I heard her again the other day while I was painting my son’s bedroom. It could have been because I was in a calm and semi-meditative state. Painting will do that to you. Or it could be that Alanis Morisette’s familiar, distinct and screachy voice broke me out of it.This line jumped out at me: I am high but I’m grounded.and then a whole bunch of other seemingly contradictory terms:I’m sane but but I’m overwhelmed I’m lost but I’m hopeful I’m free but I’m focused I’m green but I’m wise I’m sad but I’m laughing oh, and this one’s the best:I’m brave but I’m chickenshit. Fast forward to the next day when I felt overwhelmed and needed to draw out my energy to ground and get unstuck. After drawing in my sketchbook and realizing that I needed support around the feelings of wanting to be seen and hidden at the same time Alanis’ song popped into my head again. So I went and looked at the video for Hand in My Pocket. It brought me to a parade in New York City where I saw something familiar: puppets and people dressed in cardboard. Cardboard taxi cabs. With feet. When I lived in Philadelphia my husband and I were involved with social activism such as this with Spiral Q; people using creativity to express their thoughts, their wishes, their dreams. Making a statement. (Actually, we taught a class of children who decided they wanted to parade as cardboard french fries and donuts but that is another story.)

As Alanis stood in downpouring rain in the middle of all of the hullabaloo of the parade, I got it. And what it all comes down to my friends Is that everything is just fine fine fine ‘cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket And the other one is hailing a taxi cabOnce we recognize that we do not have to stay in the stuck traffic jam place, that we can actually do something while being supported, our power comes back and our voices can be heard. We can be high(happy) and grounded. Just as we can create the steel walls of protection that lock us in, we can also create our own safe boundaries that allow us to stick our necks out, come in and out of our shell, enjoy and be fully present in the outside world. Because parades are fun!Imagine you are the feet and you can create the cardboard taxi vehicle you are driving. You can paint it whatever color you like, cut it out into whatever shape you like. Put sparkles and glitter on the inside or warm fuzzy fur. It is your own pocket space. It makes you smile and feel loved. Now when it is time to go somewhere moving your feet is easier. Your body says, okay. Go. And all of the wonders of New York is just a cab ride away.Of course you will get stuck in some traffic here in there. Our minds can get away from us or things just happen in our day to day life that slow us down or make us have to rethink our direction and detour a bit.

That is when you pull out your sketchbook and draw... or sing while driving, like Alanis.

Tami Lynn Kent and I after the Holistic Pelvic EnergyTM training she taught in Portland, OR

A little over six weeks ago I returned from Portland, having received Reiki II attunement and Holistic Pelvic EnergyTM training. I was to write my final blog for the Power to the Mother: Drawing it Out Fund five weeks ago. Why has it taken me this long?

Well, one reason is because the trip was so incredible that it took me over a week to transition back to my life. I also got sick and pretty much stayed away from the computer for an entire week. Then it took me some weeks to integrate everything that I experienced. As the wheels started to churn, I was moving forward before wrapping up with writing down my reflections. I have about three different posts written in my head; two rough drafts written even, but then as my life goes, the time passed by and the moments were lost.

But something else also started happening about two weeks ago; between being sick, mothering sick children and hurting my back: I was having anxiety dreams. The reality of me moving forward with my business was settling in: and the truth behind me not writing this final blog post isI was afraid.I have made some big changes and took a big step and so NOW I was coming face to face with my fear. If I didn’t write my final blog post it would make it easier for me to put off the internal dialogue that was now manifesting in my dreams at night. Enter Project Pelvicway!Before I was woken up by my two year old covered in diarrhea in the wee hours of the morning, I was backstage at New York Fashion Week on Project Runway. Project Runway is a tv reality show where designers are given creative fashion challenges to execute in a limited amount of time, then judged, and eliminated until the top 3 go to New York Fashion Week to compete for a prize package of over a half a million dollars. Part of the money goes towards them starting their own line, and basically giving them an opportunity to make a go at it in the fashion world.

So..um..yea, this dream was a doozy in terms of performance anxiety and paralyzing fear as far as my career goes!

I was going to be judged and my family was with me as I was getting my final project together. Only thing is, I was scurrying around but not getting anything done. I couldn’t follow through on any thoughts or actions. On top of that, my daughter was wearing one of my designs and my mother had resewn it! My husband was coaching me for what I was going to say and it had nothing to do with my concept. A friend of mine came up to me with a pelvic model and asked me, “So how exactly is the female pelvis tilted, it’s important for all of the women to know..” I had to show her as if I was an expert, though it felt like I was looking at the pelvis for the first time. Other people backstage were wondering what my ranking was and pointed out what the reporters were writing about me. I felt like I was about to fall flat on my face, or sit bone..I had no idea how things were going to turn out and Tim Gunn was nowhere to be found with his encouraging “Make it work” speech. As I was changing the sheets in my child’s room, holding my nose and coming up with a name for the “this is the not so-glamorous reality of being a mother” show, I realized that it made total sense why I had that dream. And I remembered the quote from artist Nell Blaine that I had made into a letter-pressed bookmark over ten years ago. “I have the firm belief that the only things that are worth doing are those that are a little scary.” This fear is worth it. I am committed to my path of combining art with energy work to help empower women, celebrating their awesome creative powers through pelvic bowl awareness. I know there is no turning back. Rollo May in The Courage to Create says that “The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt, but in spite of doubt.” In the six weeks since I have returned I have done one energy portrait, one belly bowl, confirmed two classes at two different venues and started a tester Wild Feminine art class from my home studio. I feel the commitment so strongly to incorporating Holistic Pelvic EnergyTM into my work and I truly am excited for the three classes I will be teaching to women in the new year. I have also started a daily distance reiki practice that is helping inform my work. I want to thank all of the supporters of the Power to the Mother: Drawing It Out fund for helping make my professional training trip to Portland possible. I also want to thank my dream, Project Pelvicway for reminding me that it is important to move forward in spite of my fear, and not be stopped because of it!

Moms gathering in my back yard for the Writing Mother Workshop's MOM (Mom's Open Mic)

For some reason I remembered the word “echo” instead of “rhyme” in the famous quote “History doesn’t repeat itself, it rhymes” by Mark Twain. Alexhandra Grilhikes was the first person who introduced me to this idea in the creative memoir writing class I took from her in my Philadelphia student days. The class was called “Record of Existence”. She had us play very close attention to the things we were drawn to and then write about them. I imagined a record spinning, a record of our life. When it spun, and the music played, the things that got recorded would resonate each and every time to our core being. In the echoes of our existence we can see patterns, hear repeating sounds..and when put all together make up who we are. As we create our record we may add a layer of experience or a layer of time but move along in a spiral instead of in a stuck groove. As we pass through memory we may think “this reminds me of so and so, or such and such”. We might play our tune fast or slow but the spinning is constant. This is the visual that came to me as Alexandra had us writing it all out.As I have spent the last six weeks recording how I have drawn myself out through creative and expressive arts an underlying echo has made its way to my listening ear once again. Whether through dance, drawing, ceramics, or writing, creatively expressing myself has brought me one main thing: Connection. Connection to myself, connection to the world and connection to others. After I had my son, I struggled with sleep deprivation while taking care of both of my children and myself. With so many changes..of moving across the country 8 months pregnant, living in a new apartment, missing my Portland friends, I felt like a big scratch came across my record with the needle suspended in mid air. It was hard to keep playing and moving forward. I needed sleep. I needed help. I wanted a village community so I wouldn’t be playing or listening to music all alone. I joined a meetup group called Mindful Families, hoping to find similar minded friends and mothers I could connect with. I followed up on a post for a Writing Mother’s Workshop from a mother who was working on her master’s degree in Transformational Arts at Goddard College. I found a tribe. Like my prenatal yoga class, like the waking the seed dance workshop, the record of existence memoir class, this was it. This was my way of accessing my core, my truth, in a safe place. I could express my thoughts and feelings about motherhood and write from the raw, sleep deprived and struggling place I was in. Somehow I managed to continually meet with the other writing mothers, because the benefit I was receiving was that meaningful. The most important thing was to show up. Like Alexandra said, there are just two things in the creative process. You and It. My experience is when you are in that creative space, nothing else matters. Being present, being fully present, trusting and allowing the “It” to guide you has brought me closer to myself. At the end of the Writing Mother’s Workshop I realized I was ready to make the shift back into teaching and doing art but with a focus on women and mothers. I am still working on my writing and finding my voice, another piece of the orchestra that makes my record sing.So here we go again, another spiral, another echo, another turn of my record of existence. One week from now, where I was in the moment I wrote this will be history.

"The true creator is necessity, who is the mother of our invention" Plato

When I was pregnant with my first child I decided to take prenatal yoga. The instructor was such an amazing resource for the women in the class; she had a thick binder of all kinds of support information, referrals, and pregnancy services for women. At the beginning of every class we would go around and introduce ourselves, where we were in our pregnancies, and anything else that seemed relevant to share. She always had a special meditation for us related to birth at the end of the class, and she would also give updates from the women who had their babies and wanted to share their baby’s name and birth story. I loved going to yoga every week for the special time I was taking to connect to my growing belly, as well as being able to connect with the other pregnant women. Seven months after taking Reiki I, as I continued doing energy portraits and teaching meditative drawing, I became pregnant with my second child. I realized that I wanted to take a break from doing the energy portraits for individuals so that my energy could focus on my baby. However, I still wanted to teach others how to connect through art as I did in the meditative drawing classes. I remembered how special the time was when I was pregnant and taking yoga, so I created a class specifically for pregnant women and called it Pregnant with Creativity, hoping to foster the same kind of connection and support for women as they prepared for motherhood, but using art as the medium to do so. In addition to meditative drawing, I came up with other art projects for the class, and the ideas kept coming…(I was pregnant with creativity after all…) I liked the idea of having a belly cast, but wanted to create something that was more representative of the natural elements. For me, plaster just wasn’t cutting it..Clay. That was it. A bowl, a container, made of clay..the earth..the container that my child was growing into and would grow out of..Several years earlier I spent a summer fascinated with outdoor kilns as a painting subject when I was at a summer art residency. The kiln to me was like a womb, a place of transformation as the clay changed states from the intense heat that glowed from the belly of the kiln and was then emptied, open, ready for the next firing. I wanted my bowl to have a spiral form because it reminded me of the process of life, turning onto itself from the center out. It also reminded me of the umbilical cord that attaches mother to child. I wasn’t too far along to be able to make my own bowl just yet..but I did have some pregnant friends..and like the volunteers I asked when first doing the portraits, I was able to practice and make a few bowls before it was time to make my own. Being pregnant drew out the creativity in me to fulfill a personal desire, which Plato would say came from a necessity..I could say that the necessity was to figure out a way to make a cast that was not plaster and would not be something that I would hide or collect dust because I would not know what to do with it..I believe that the deeper necessity I had was to connect..and that came from my mothering place.I can thank the birth of my son for bringing about the birth of the belly bowl.

an energy self-portrait combining both representational and energetic markmaking

Steve Jobs did not take a traditional path of education. He dropped out of college but took a course in calligraphy, something he was interested in at the time. Later her used that experience to help him create beautiful typography for the Mac, a signature component for all future computers. Did he know how that calligraphy class was going to affect his future? Nope. “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”[Steve Jobs, Stanford commencement speech, June 2005] If anyone ever told me that after graduating from the Pennsylvania Academy of the Fine Arts, and being classically trained in drawing the figure and from observation, that one day when I started to draw a representational portrait my hand would in turn moveitself in abstract marks on the page and that I would automatically start moving my hands in all kinds of different positions in relation to myself and in relation to the drawing I would have three simple words in response: No. Fucking. Way. I was just interested in connecting to people again after taking a break from art for a while, so I started drawing their portraits..or so I thought..In May 2010 I decided to take a formal step in learning more about energy by taking a course in Reiki I attunement with Reiki Master Jessica Schaffer. My daughter was just shy of three years old. When the weekend training was over, I was finally starting to connect some dots and understand why I was having the experiences I was having while drawing people’s portraits.

Reiki, as universal life force energy, helps to remove blockages in one’s body. These blockages can cause disruption of energy flow, resulting in physical, emotional, spiritual, or soul-level pain. A Reiki practitioner gently places their hands on an individual allowing the Reiki to flow into the individual at the level it needs to.As part of the training, my class practiced giving and receiving Reiki to each other. The energy I received while lying on the massage table opened me up to a deep inner knowing that I was finally letting myself accept in my body; the realization that combining energy work and art was my truth. I had always felt since I was a very little girl that I was an artist. After that weekend, I realized that I was an artist who also is a healing container. Reiki helped me claim it.Now I had a better understanding of how I was a channel for the energy moving through me and out of my hands onto the paper. Instead of me placing my hands on a person to have the Reiki flow into them, my hands picked up a specific drawing implement. The one I picked was appropriate for the energy that was directed for the individual I was with. Two simple words now,

Yes.

Way.

I learned that everybody experiences energy differently. I remembered what Isis had mentioned to our group as well: There are many different flavors of ice cream. But it’s all ice cream. The way I experience energy and express it is my particular flavor. What is important is that I continue to stay true to myself and my creative process. My love for art brought me to the Academy in the first place. I will always love drawing from nature and the observed world. The drawing process allowed me to connect at the energetic level of nature, a level that may not always be visible, but can be felt and I believe does exist. As I reread Steve Job’s speech in preparation to write this post, I also read, "Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."In Reiki it is said that the student will come when they are ready. Three years after Reiki I, I know in my heart that I am ready for Reiki II. I also know that not only am I an energy worker but that I want to work specifically to help empower mothers and women. As a result of my training in September I am excited to see how I will continue to connect the dots from my experiences in the past 3 years and how I will look back at this this experience in the future to help me connect even more.

one of the first portraits I did of one of my friends in the summer, 2009

Alchemy: a power or process of transforming something common into something special: an inexplicable or mysterious transmuting

We were all in a circle and the attention was on me. I was a mess. Head down, hair covering my face, hands catching the uncontrollable tears. Arms tightly hugging my knees. And then Isis gave all of the five other women in the Waking the Seed group (drumroll please....)an exercise. She handed out some computer paper and everyone gathered whatever they had available..a marker, pencil, red ball-point pen..They had to draw me. What??? I managed to lift up my head and find some words. You can’t draw me looking like this! I look horrible!!!Nobody can see me like this! Nobody except all of the women who were right there in front of me. That was it. I was exposed. I did not want to be seen, I wanted to hide. I mean, I couldn’t even look at myself. But I let them. And I was transformed. Soon my tears turned into laughter, acceptance, awe and most of all a feeling of being held in a safe place. I loved the drawings they all did of me because they were heartfelt, honest and captured something about me..a part of me that I was not able to see for myself. They looked into and beyond the upset I showed on the outside and expressed a deeper awareness or knowing that I was not able to access at the time. It was in allowing myself to be in this vulnerable position that I was able to then be opened to and feel not only the love and the sincerity of these amazing women but to turn around my feelings of despair and seriously question some of my personal limiting beliefs. So what was I to do next? Isis said to alchemize the initial pain I felt and start drawing others. Huh? I didn’t understand what she meant. What do you mean alchemize? To me alchemy was medieval chemistry..a glass vial with smoke and bubbles coming out..But I did understand her saying “take the pain and transform it” And I also understood how sometimes the hardest thing to do for yourself is the one thing that might make you feel better. And I realized that if these women could draw me in the state I was in, if they could do it, then I could definitely try and pick up my own pencil, regardless of how long it had been since I had done any artwork, and draw others. I was so afraid of being rusty, of having lost my skills, of being nervous that whatever I drew the person would not like. And judge me. I was, for certain, my very own worst critic.I decided to ask my friends to sit for me. It was a perfect way to reconnect to drawing safely, despite my nervousness and despite my fears. It was also a win-win because I was able to be social outside of motherhood and have conversations with people I hadn’t seen in a while. Like a caterpillar wrapped up in its coccoon, slowly making its way out..I had no idea what I was about to do, what was about to emerge, and what direction I was about to fly off into. But I did it.

In June 2007 my daughter was born. I was still on Isis’s email list and her business had been changing. She was offering other workshops, and in December 2007 there was one that peaked my interest. It was called Dancing into the Abyss. It had an enticing tagline something along the lines of “Who are you when you are dancing in the dark?” At this point I was in the throes of first-time motherhood and while I had the support of many other new moms on my block, something drew me back to dance in order to reconnect to the outside world and ultimately bring me back to myself. I was happy to be the only mother in the group of women who gathered that weekend in January 2008. Actually, I was ecstatic to be in a group of women and for the first time not be wearing a nursing bra or carrying a diaper bag! On the first day, among other exercises, we sat in a circle and talked to each other as if we were really old ladies. We reflected on our pasts and talked about our real and imagined regrets, our bodily aches and pains, as well as the things we were proud of having lived through. On the second day we each did a dance, in front of everybody else, a dance specific to our present life. Isis picked out the music. I was back in the womb. This time I was the baby, feeling what it was like to be born..with whatever movements came to me. I could hear the thumping of a fetal heartbeat and the swishing sounds of fluids. As I started on the floor, curled tightly into myself, my body waited. How was I going to do this? At first I didn’t move. At all. But I did it. Slowly. I began to move to the heartbeat. I was at a crossroads, having lost a sense of who I was from giving myself so completely to my child. Call it “mommy identity crisis” if you will. Coming out of that place was like being in an uncharted sea of doubt and fear. I needed to grow..up and out..By the end of the weekend I started to get it. It was only just dawning on me (yea, I think I was the last one to figure this out) that Isis wasn’t just giving us exercises and dance prompts. She was helping us access who we wanted to be when we actually were old ladies, being able to reflect back on an amazing, actualized, fully embodied self. I also started to understand that Isis was using her intuition and deep energy-sensing skills to help us access the same intuitive and creative powers in ourselves, so we could follow our own guidance on the road to healing and empowerment, and reveal our own special gifts along the way.Feeling more like an outsider, or a “newbie” to all this energy stuff (and to be completely honest kind of freaked out by it) when we had our wrap-up and I found out that all of the other women were going to be taking Isis’ year long circle called Waking the Seed, I was thinking you guys are able to tap into your own intuitive selves and are special, but no, no...that’s not me...Suffice it to say, a lot of things got stirred up for me in that weekend. Now I know that getting closer to our intuition and creative capabilities is not a linear process, rather a continuum with cycles of beginnings and endings, of holding on and letting go. Whenever we get lost or side tracked, we can always return to the womb, to our center. There’s something inside of us, when we are babies, that knows how to be born. And as women, our bodies know how to give birth even if we have never done it before.So yea, something inside of me was ready to come out into the world. Something inside of me knew. Even though I had no idea what was in store for me next, a few weeks later, I signed up.

I can’t say I really know what possessed me to do this at the time, but when I reflect back on it, it makes total sense. I will never forget the day I knocked on the door of Isis Leeor’s house in Portland Oregon in the fall of 2006, a few weeks after I found out that I was pregnant with my first child.I think I was early, and I was nervous..I arrived at her house and saw a hand drawn poster that said “B Juicy Studios” and an arrow on it. I walked to the back of the house, to the studio basement entrance but the door was locked..I started doubting myself: did I get the time wrong? or the day? why am I the only one here? Oh, was this a mistake??

I went back to the front. I had to be in the right place, because the sign was out..so I decided to knock on the front door. Of course, I had no idea what life-changing creative adventure I was starting on that day, but I do remember how I felt in that moment..I asked her..nervously...“I just found out that I am pregnant, will I still be able to take this class?” To me it was a concern..well, actually I remember telling my mother about it and she thought it would be a good question to ask..because this was not just any dance class I had signed up for... It was pole dancing. Stripper 101 to be exact. So I know what you may be thinking: but trust me, that’s not it. Isis’s classes were for women to find empowerment in their sensual selves..even those of us who felt like they could never let go enough to gracefully swing around a pole and express her truest, raw, beautiful feminine self. Personally, that was something I longed for..to be comfortable enough to go there, in a room full of supportive women...and feel free...but man oh man, was I scared!!! I learned through breathing, stretching, and taking baby steps that I could actually start this personal quest and not worry at all that I would be falling from a pole, landing on my ass, and potentially harm my child. Yea, we walked around the pole the first class!

I continued to take classes with Isis until I was about 6 or 7 months pregnant.

I read in someone's blog today that in order to be a creative person and continue on our paths, it is necessary to have midwives..people to help us along the way...Well, Isis was definitely the first person who drew me out, not just with pole dancing...and helped me to access my core and my center, as well as wake up a seed that was sleeping inside of me.