Wednesday, April 30, 2008

It has been a busy week for double entendres out on the internets. Since I seem to be hitting a dry patch (hehe) lately, let's round up some of KC's best jokey jokes in the double meaning realm.

On Monday, KC's favorite Minneapolis transplant dedicated an entire post to a single double entendre. Kudos Keri Oke! She is super excited about the MN Vikings newest acquisition John David Booty. I think we can safely say that everyone is excited to hear all the sportscasters (or if you prefer to call them by that made-up, grammatically suspect word "commentator") unwittingly say all sorts of wonderful things like "Julius Peppers chases booty all over the backfield" or "Julius Peppers has slammed booty hard every chance he's had." Julius Peppers could be the second best name in football. I may actually watch some football this year. I mean we have the likelihood of hearing the words "sack" and "booty" in the same sentence. Awesome!

It seems his drain pipe wasn't working properly. The ensuing description had him cleaning downspouts, submerging pipes in trenches, and even putting on a condom (sorta)

Lastly, Laura and Jenna Bush came to town recently. With a president named Bush I'm really disappointed that America hasn't made more of a mockery of him. On the other hand, he's doing a pretty good job on his own. Anyhow, little Jenna's all grown up now but it gives me chance to link to my favorite Onion headline of all time.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I know this might be a topic more appropriate for my other blog but since I haven't actually eaten at Chubby's this actually the more appropriate venue.

No I have never eaten at Chubby's, this apparently legendary KC establishment which has been serving up hangover breakfasts and late-night diner crap to westport drunkards since time immemorial. You know why? Well, I just assumed it was a strip club.

I haven't live in KC too long and don't tend to go out for 3am meals any more (takes away valuable drinking time). So every time I cruised up broadway I never paid it much attention.

But Chubby's? Really?

I've heard their food is good, but how good could it be?

I can't be the first one to make that joke.

Actually the quality of the food has apparently dropped off if the letter to the pitch a few weeks back is any indication. The letter was delightfully titled by the Pitch staff as "Ex-Chubby's Chaser." Last month the Star published a piece with a very telling quote from the Chubby's owner:

"Whenever the name comes up, people say, 'I’ve been there many a time at 3 a.m.'" said Vito LaBruzzo.

Do you understand how a guy could think they were dishing up lapdances instead of eggs benedict? Actually that would be a good euphemism for a lapdance.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

This is an old favorite of mine. Back in 1992, some friends and I took a road trip to Graceland and stopped over in Nashville for a couple days.

One day driving around we passed by an unassuming building with a sign that read "S&M Communion Bread Company." Needless to say we all got out of the car and had our picture taken in front of the building. I have no idea where the photo is today-there have been a lot of apartments, cities and brain cells that have come and gone since then.

We didn't go inside, but it must be one hell of a workplace. I'll bet a lot of blood, sweat and tears go into each delightful little wafer.

I can picture all sorts of ritualistic, catholic themed scenarios going on inside, complete with nuns screaming at dopey old guys to make that communion bread faster!

Anyway, it looks like this is a fairly well-known tidbit of info as Steve Earle's sister came out with an album not too long ago that was named after this Nashville landmark.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Those wacky Canadians. No, it's not one of those increasingly tiresome companies selling hard-on pills or dick-enhancing unguents that pop into your inbox (hehe) each day. Mammoth is a different kind of erection service:

"At Mammoth, we pride ourselves in our unique capabilities of performing top quality scaffold erection services using and combining top quality equipment from leading manufacturers to comply with these ever increasing needs."

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Dick Hyman has been one of the most versatile keyboardists in all of popular music. Since his career jump started in the 1950's, he has played in small jazz trios, popular orchestral ensembles, and as a solo artist. He was one of the first to experiment with synthesizers and wacky electric organs in the 1960's, and put out some awesome albums with titles like The Age of Electronicus , The Electric Eclectics of Dick Hyman and my personal favorite, The Man from O.R.G.A.N..

He went on to a moderately successful career as a jazz pianist in a more traditional style and he's still kicking. He has also scored a number of films over the years, most notably most of Woody Allen's film since the 1980s.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Yesterday, in the hopes that the rain would stay minimally invasive, I decided to smoke a pork butt.

Yes, I smoked a pork butt, which led to all sorts of spontaneous exclamations every time I went outside to the grill.

"I'm gonna go poke the butt" and so forth. And there was actually a moment where I was actively slapping the raw piece of meat loudly, but I stoppped after it failed to garner sufficient attention from my partner in the other room.

Interestingly, pork butt is actually from the shoulder area of the pig. Kudos to the meat purveyors of America for coming up with a highly illustrative albeit inaccurate label.

As any self respecting purveyor of BBQ knows, one of the keys to ensuring success is the application of a dry rub. A Dry Rub is also known by the completely stupid and un-dirty designation "spice rub."

But to me a dry rub just sounds like an activity for overly chaste sober persons and confused teenagers.

Anyhow, I didn't cook it quite as long as i wanted but the Butt was still damn good. This of course led to a whole series of even filthier exclamations about eating butt.

Many know him by his given name, Andrew Koenig, but we all lovingly remember him as Mike Seaver's wise-ass friend "Boner" on the 80s sitcom Growing Pains. This is so obvious and classic an example of ridiculousness that it hardly qualifies as double-entendre.

So, why the name Boner? Well, his character is named Richard Stabone. Sta-bone. Ya know, so he's Boner for short. That explains it all, right? Then how do the series writers explain that his first name is Richard? DICK BONER STABONE! That's just about the filthiest name a guy could have (yeah I know, except for Peter O'Toole).

Anyhow, I almost didn't post about good old Boner until I found out this little tidbit of which I was previously unaware. The actor, Andrew Koenig, who played Boner, is the son of Walter Koenig. Yeah it's true:

BONER IS ENSIGN CHECKHOV'S SON!!!!

By the way, the word "boner" used to refer to a gaff, or mishap. Hence this album from my colection

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Dick Armey

In fact, that should be the United States Senate's unofficial name. They are one big dick army.

Famous quotes: "If there is a dick army, Barney Frank would want to join up."

Harry Reid

Yes, that's right, "reed" is now another name for penis. I've just decided. It doesn't take much imagination, people.

Sam Brownback

Ahh, a local boy done good. I'm not going to expand much on this, for the sake of the children. Actually "brownback" sounds like one of those silly euphemisms for outrageous sex acts. Do you like the rusty trombone? well, the brownback is for you! I suppose if that kind of name constitutes a double entendre of sort then James Sensenbrenner (R-Wisconsin) takes the cake. The "sensenbrenner" totally sounds like a sex act, and a particularly foul one at that.

Jack Reed

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Did you watch ice skating last weekend? I did. This is not a common occurrence for me but it reminded me that a regular commentator for these competitions is none other than Mr. Dick Button.

Now, you can put "Dick" in front of pretty much any name and it is funny. We've been doing this since 5th grade and shockingly, it never, ever gets old. Dick Handy! Dick Burns! Dick Gaylord!

But Dick Button might be the best one of all.

It conjures all sorts of hilarious images and applications. What would a dick button look like? Is it a button ON the dick or a button that when pressed, causes a dick to appear? Or causes one's dick to do something really special?

Perhaps it is merely a novelty button that one pins to one's chest. Or a super-stylish way to adorn shirts and jackets.

One thing I didn't know is that Dick Button was one of the greatest figure skaters of all time. The first to land a double axel in competition and the inventor of the spin known as the flying camel!