The New Write - 21st December 2001

"Beer is
proof that God loves us and wants us to be
happy."-Benjamin Franklin

1.
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR2. ANDERTON REVEALS NEW BANK3.
GOVERNMENT BUNGLE BANS ALCOHOL IN PUBLIC4. ALLIANCE
STAFF BUSTED5. TOP TEN PLEDGES HELEN CLARK WON'T BE
MAKING NEXT YEAR6. WEBSITE OF THE
WEEK

1. NOTE FROM THE EDITOR

This is
the last edition for the year - I'll probably start again in
February next year.

Thanks to everyone for feedback and
contributions this year, it is always nice to know people
are paying attention. I even appreciate the abusive emails.
Just remember though, if you are so offended by The New
Write, there is a simple solution: don't read it. No-one is
forcing you to. Have a great holiday and make sure you
have a break from politics.

Cheers Phil

2. Anderton
Reveals New Bank

From www.thekumara.com

Deputy
Prime-Minister Jim Anderton revealed the Alliance's answer
to low New Zealand population levels last night: a new
state-funded Sperm Bank, to be known as "MyWank".

"Jenny
Shipley may have alerted us to the problem of low
reproduction levels in New Zealand, but the Alliance has
single-handedly delivered the answer," said Jim Anderton
proudly. 'MyWank' will repopulate this country and thus
increase economic development every time donors come into
their local PostShop to tickle the old Elmo."

The Alliance
guarantee low set-up costs of the new enterprise: existing
Post Office booths will be converted into new 'donation
booths', and donors who forget to bring along their own
pottle will have to pay for a Post Office "Handy-Bag".
"Donors will be provided with fashion spreads from our
very own Ms Brunei and fashion supermodel, Helen Clark, to
help them... ahem squeeze the cream from their
brandy-snaps," explained Mr Anderton.

However, ACT were
less than complimentary concerning the Government's new
initiative. "I have in my possession leaked Treasury Reports
showing that this hair-brained scheme will lead to messy
problems all over New Zealand," stated Rodney Hide. "The
Government's going to lose money hand over
fist."

Customers managing to round up their tadpoles five
times will also benefit from the 50 Fly Buys points on offer
from MyWank for the effort. "More than enough incentive to
oil the old pogo stick," said MyWank chairman, Jim Bolger.

3. GOVERNMENT BUNGLE BANS ALCOHOL IN PUBLIC

The
Government last night accidentally banned alcohol from all
public places in New Zealand.

The Bill before Parliament
was intended to give local bodies the power to ban alcohol
from certain designated areas. However a mix-up in wording
means it now applies to all public places, even people
walking out of bottle stores. National MP Belinda Vernon
spotted the mistake in Parliament last night, just as the
Bill was about to be passed. However the Greens and ACT
refused to support a correction, and the Government decided
to pass the law anyway. Finance Minister Michael Cullen
said he hoped police would use their discretion.
National Leader Bill English said the cockup was a
result of trying to cram things through under urgency. "It
will now be illegal to keep your six-pack in the boot of
your car."

"We always said this Government was backward
looking, but we didn't mean to 1922."

4. ALLIANCE
STAFF BUSTED

Six Alliance staff have lost their
Parliamentary jobs after it was found they were using
taxpayer money to carry out Alliance party work.

An
inquiry by Parliamentary Services found that money was used
to produce a newsletter for Alliance members, and resources
were even used on Matt McCarten's Mayoralty campaign in
Auckland.

Jim Anderton criticised the previous Government
for employing too many staff. However since taking office he
has greatly increased the number of ministerial staff, and
it has long been rumoured that taxpayer money was being used
to run the Alliance Party from his office.

ACT Leader
Richard Prebble said the Alliance was guilty of "systematic
abuse" of thousands of dollars of taxpayer money and a full
fraud investigation was required.

2. The Greens caucus will decide once and for all
what hairdo Sue Bradford is going to have. 3. ACT MPs
will be writing yet another book to fill our letterboxes
during next year's campaign. 4. Bill English will be
busy photocopying Labour's 1999 manifesto on National's
letterhead. 5. Judith Tizard will be having a complete
change of pace and actually do some work. 6. Tariana
Turia will be selecting the next constitutional foundation
of New Zealand she wishes to flout. 7. Rodney Hide and
Simon Power to send Susan Bathgate a Christmas Card saying
"Look forward to seeing you first thing next year." 8.
Winston Peters will be reflecting on how ironic it was that
HE writes a bill that technically makes the transportation
of alcohol illegal. 9. Helen Clark will go tramping in
search of rare species: the takahe and anyone who believes
the Alliance rift has been healed. 10. Heather Simpson
will be trying find out who the heck writes St
Molesworth.

Courtesy of St Molesworth -
www.geocities.com/stmolesworth

6. WEBSITE OF THE
WEEK

www.hotornot.com

The original website where
you can send in photos of yourself for people to vote on,
and you can vote on other people, from a scale of 1 to 10.
Sounds shallow and stupid, and it is, but strangely
addictive.

FYI I rated 8.6

Any views expressed here
are not necessarily those of New Zealand Young Nationals, or
the New Zealand National Party.

This is the last edition for the
year - I'll probably start again in February next
year.

Thanks to everyone for feedback and contributions
this year, it is always nice to know people are paying
attention. I even appreciate the abusive emails. Just
remember though, if you are so offended by The New Write,
there is a simple solution: don't read it. No-one is forcing
you to. Have a great holiday and make sure you have a
break from politics.

Cheers Phil

2. Anderton
Reveals New Bank

From www.thekumara.com

Deputy
Prime-Minister Jim Anderton revealed the Alliance's answer
to low New Zealand population levels last night: a new
state-funded Sperm Bank, to be known as "MyWank".

"Jenny
Shipley may have alerted us to the problem of low
reproduction levels in New Zealand, but the Alliance has
single-handedly delivered the answer," said Jim Anderton
proudly. 'MyWank' will repopulate this country and thus
increase economic development every time donors come into
their local PostShop to tickle the old Elmo."

The Alliance
guarantee low set-up costs of the new enterprise: existing
Post Office booths will be converted into new 'donation
booths', and donors who forget to bring along their own
pottle will have to pay for a Post Office "Handy-Bag".
"Donors will be provided with fashion spreads from our
very own Ms Brunei and fashion supermodel, Helen Clark, to
help them... ahem squeeze the cream from their
brandy-snaps," explained Mr Anderton.

However, ACT were
less than complimentary concerning the Government's new
initiative. "I have in my possession leaked Treasury Reports
showing that this hair-brained scheme will lead to messy
problems all over New Zealand," stated Rodney Hide. "The
Government's going to lose money hand over
fist."

Customers managing to round up their tadpoles five
times will also benefit from the 50 Fly Buys points on offer
from MyWank for the effort. "More than enough incentive to
oil the old pogo stick," said MyWank chairman, Jim Bolger.

3. GOVERNMENT BUNGLE BANS ALCOHOL IN PUBLIC

The
Government last night accidentally banned alcohol from all
public places in New Zealand.

The Bill before Parliament
was intended to give local bodies the power to ban alcohol
from certain designated areas. However a mix-up in wording
means it now applies to all public places, even people
walking out of bottle stores. National MP Belinda Vernon
spotted the mistake in Parliament last night, just as the
Bill was about to be passed. However the Greens and ACT
refused to support a correction, and the Government decided
to pass the law anyway. Finance Minister Michael Cullen
said he hoped police would use their discretion.
National Leader Bill English said the cockup was a
result of trying to cram things through under urgency. "It
will now be illegal to keep your six-pack in the boot of
your car."

"We always said this Government was backward
looking, but we didn't mean to 1922."

4. ALLIANCE
STAFF BUSTED

Six Alliance staff have lost their
Parliamentary jobs after it was found they were using
taxpayer money to carry out Alliance party work.

An
inquiry by Parliamentary Services found that money was used
to produce a newsletter for Alliance members, and resources
were even used on Matt McCarten's Mayoralty campaign in
Auckland.

Jim Anderton criticised the previous Government
for employing too many staff. However since taking office he
has greatly increased the number of ministerial staff, and
it has long been rumoured that taxpayer money was being used
to run the Alliance Party from his office.

ACT Leader
Richard Prebble said the Alliance was guilty of "systematic
abuse" of thousands of dollars of taxpayer money and a full
fraud investigation was required.

2. The Greens caucus will decide once and for all
what hairdo Sue Bradford is going to have. 3. ACT MPs
will be writing yet another book to fill our letterboxes
during next year's campaign. 4. Bill English will be
busy photocopying Labour's 1999 manifesto on National's
letterhead. 5. Judith Tizard will be having a complete
change of pace and actually do some work. 6. Tariana
Turia will be selecting the next constitutional foundation
of New Zealand she wishes to flout. 7. Rodney Hide and
Simon Power to send Susan Bathgate a Christmas Card saying
"Look forward to seeing you first thing next year." 8.
Winston Peters will be reflecting on how ironic it was that
HE writes a bill that technically makes the transportation
of alcohol illegal. 9. Helen Clark will go tramping in
search of rare species: the takahe and anyone who believes
the Alliance rift has been healed. 10. Heather Simpson
will be trying find out who the heck writes St
Molesworth.

Courtesy of St Molesworth -
www.geocities.com/stmolesworth

6. WEBSITE OF THE
WEEK

www.hotornot.com

The original website where
you can send in photos of yourself for people to vote on,
and you can vote on other people, from a scale of 1 to 10.
Sounds shallow and stupid, and it is, but strangely
addictive.

FYI I rated 8.6

Any views expressed here
are not necessarily those of New Zealand Young Nationals, or
the New Zealand National Party.

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