just don't shave. you'd look better with a long beard, a tan, and a turban. take a nice vacation somewhere far, somewhere you'd have to fly to. if you don't have enough money for a regular flight, just buy stand-by tickets. if you have too much layover time, just tell them you have a bomb and they'll politely let you right on the next available flight.. might even put you in first class! all because of that classy beard of yours.

Acquire a large cape, and begin a multi-year education in Krav Maga, Aikido, and Mexican Luchador wrestling. By the end of it, not only will you have uncanny fighting skills, but you will also have incredibly gnarly accumulated razor burn. Then take to the streets with the name, "Coarse Throat," destroying bad guys in the name of all that is just. After a few years, you should have gathered a hefty amount of justice. Retire, and every time you shave, pull out a refreshing can of justice, and splash your neck with it. Nothing is as reinvigorating or crisp as a cool, minty splash of sweet justice (if you prefer the life of crime, I hear revenge works the same way).

You should try using honey instead of shaving cream. Spread it on nice and thick and let it sit for 30 minutes, then wipe off the bulk of it so your face is nice and sticky. Shave with a razor with as many blades as possible and when you are done you should splash on some kerosene as an aftershave.

Root around in the trash or town dump for rusty old, used, discarded razors, and take a few home. Leave them to sit in salty water for a few weeks - throw in some dog shit early on for good measure.

When they're good and ready, take a razor out of the preperation stew to dry overnight. As soon as you awake in the morning, go for the bristles like a madman, always against the grain of your growth.

If things are still a little sore after all this, take some of the leftover salty dog shit stew and rub it all over your neck and face for a soothing balm. You might want some cheap aftershave to follow - trust me, the chicks are not so keen on the aroma.