And So Forth…

I realize that I set this up to be a more or less “serious” blog with entries to be carefully crafted articles or essays, but consistency by damned!

All is in vain.

Existential metaphysics is terrible. Absurdity is absurd. It is all so beautifully terrible. It PAINS.

And no one who has not felt this way could understand it; that is why I have not tried to reason anything to you, cherished reader.

I am slain.

There is nothing I can do, anyway. I have made all of my predestined choices. I have chosen all of my unchangeable paths. My fault. 100%. The end.

And yet, this is just the beginning. Jordan and I got to this solid conclusion by way of our excellent reasoning powers, and that conclusion is that life is absurd. We exist, and there is no reason for us to. Man desires to live and yet he must die.

Can you understand how fully depressing that is? Sentience is not a gift, but a curse; my mental facilities have lifted me above the uncaring animal and into the point where I can question life and find no answers.

All is in vain.

Perhaps I should just stop fighting it and abandon my Kierkegaardian absolutes and just TRY this modern brand of existentialism. I could do it. I might be happier.

I must really stop blaming everything on lack of food, but I really start to break down mentally without a high bloodsugar content; perhaps my hypoglycemia persists from childhood.

But, whatever the case, I’m sure there is an overarching flaw in the argument…I could sense it, I could almost smell it out, lurking behind the terms and definitions that we had agreed upon. And yet I was too hungry to focus on the argument at hand. A poor excuse, but a valid one. But I still smell it…

And I shouldn’t start thinking about these things at night; Caitlin always says that everything always looks more depressing at night. I should listen to her more often.

Of course, there are a lot of things I should do, and don’t.

And why should I?

Life is absurd.

But really think about how terrible the situation is: man wants to live; yet he MUST die. He has powers of reason, and all he sees is this inevitability, this futility.

And you all need to go read Earnets Becker’s book, the Denial of Death. He says it better than I, but he would tell you that Rank says it better than he. Whatever the case…

Maybe I should attempt this life of making meaning for myself…

Jordan is very convincing, but that is what he does; though it does not make it right.

….but what is right? Right? right?

If only all of my time could be devoted to contemplation! But school starts tomorrow and life goes on.

One Response

Oh, I’ve been here before. It really is impossible to describe to somebody who hasn’t felt this way, since it’s likely to just come off as overly emotional—-possibly even manic-depressive.

That’s not really what that intuition is about, though, is it?

And as you yourself pointed out, a convincing argument is very distinct from a right argument. As far as reason goes—-it goes very far, but in my experience it doesn’t cover everything. Dialectic may push you to despair, but perhaps that is a sign that dialectic itself is insufficient to give you the answers you need.

Keep yourself open—-I don’t want to write off your existential intuition as due to a lack of food, but certainly perspectives do change with time. See how things seem to you in the morning—and the morning after, and the morning after….