My life from the heart of Berlin!

Archive for the category “Personal Posts”

Now I told the story of Lu & Mithi. The story that had to do with the past years of my life.

The relationship between me and Mithi ended and there is nothing to bring it back the way it was before. We would both have to move on with our lifes and make the best out of it. Of course, there is no hate or other bad feelings left between us for each other. We still consider ourselves good friends and we know that in case of any kind of help we can rely on each other. However, we do not want to depend on each other or to bring back old feelings.

I think, Mithi is handling the whole thing way better than me. He is focusing on his job and on earning money as well as finding a caring partner. He is doing it quite well and I am very happy for him. I am also busy with my job and with saving up some money. I know I have to look out for someone new too but it is pretty difficult to do it on purpose. In the end love and a relationship cannot be forced. Only time and coincidence will make it come true.

I am taking the good things out of the relationship with Mithi for my future life. I have found a true friend with a good heart. Someone, who is also struggling to find the same things in life. Mithi taught me many things. He taught me how to be strong and not to give up. He taught me to be patient. He inspired me to be creative and to try out new things. He believed in my dreams and most of all he showed me true love.

Life is not always easy and it is not always blessed but knowing Mithi is a true blessing and I am thankful for it. So this is the end of the story. And it ends with love. The love will always remain.

It never feels good coming back home from holidays. It always felt strange and empty to me. This time, it was worse in many ways. I already said how much I was crying when I left Mithi in India. I thought this was only a good-bye phase. But it was not. I felt sad for the next days and weeks and I was crying a lot. I was crying for so many reasons. It was as if my heart and mind had been awaken and as if I was brought back to my previous condition. I could finally see and feel everything so clearly. And I realised it was too late.

I was expecting Mithi would talk to me the same way he did before my visit. Instead, he did not call me again. It was only me contacting him. And he did seem to be annoyed or bored with me contacting him and talking to him. He did not consider me as his partner anymore. Of course, it pained me a lot but I could understand his behaviour. It was his reaction to my behaviour. His decision to let me go.

I was unable to let go of him in that way. For me he was still my precious darling in my heart and I could not imagine to let the days go by without talking to him or to close that chapter of my life so suddenly. I kept sending him messages and telling him how much I miss him and that I still love him. He did respond sometimes but I could see that there were no deep feelings from his side anymore. I had no choice. I could not force him to talk to me or to change his feelings. Words are not as strong as actions. So the only thing left for me was to cry my heart out and get over it. I did not cry every day though. It was more like sudden crying attacks bursting out of me. But even after many months it was still not over with the crying.

My conscience was very hard on me. I was reflecting on my behaviour and my words I showed the last months and I could not believe that this was me. I never wanted to become such a person. I wanted to be the person I was before. This was simply not the way this love was supposed to end…

So in the middle of my depression being apart from Mithi and developing feelings for another person I made the decision to visit my darling in Mangalore, staying in his family’s house with him and his parents. I was debatting with Mithi a couple of times if this was the right time for me to come since I was such a wreck emotionally, but I insisted to come. I could not stand the feeling of being apart even longer from him. And I also needed a break from my life and routine in Berlin to find inner peace again.

When I arrived in Mangalore after a long flight I was greeted and taken care of so warm by Mithi and also by his parents. I felt at home right away. They did everything to make my visit as comfortable and nice as possible. I felt so blessed during that time. The climate with rain showers in the evening, our trips with the scooter to the city, visiting the coast and seeing the beach, going to the church together. So many beautiful moments that I will never forget. The first days felt like I finally left my life in Berlin behind.

Sadly, I was still not over the last months and I had difficulties to open up as much as I should have during my visit. After all, it was the time to be with Mithi and to enjoy every moment with him as much as possible. It was the time to hold him, to kiss him, to tell him how much I love him. Instead, I was cold. I was cold and I did not notice it because I was so busy in my mind to find my own inner peace that I overlooked what this all actuallly was about. It was not about me, it was about us, about sharing my feelings and my life with another person instead of sealing myself off from everyone.

Of course, Mithi was feeling my cold and after the first days he started to leave me to myself thinking I would not have any true feelings for him. He could only see my depressed and cold self. When the last days of my visit finally arrived I started feeling sadness, knowing that I would be leaving soon and get back to my life in Berlin without Mithi by my side. I was unable to find the right words back then to tell Mithi how sorry I felt for my cold behaviour and that I was unable to open up to him the way I should have done it as his partner. I was crying the last night and day a lot. Even at the airport I could not hold back my tears. The only thing was, I did not show my tears to Mithi. What meaning would my tears have to him, if I was unable to turn my feelings into actions?

So I returned back to Berlin and I was unsure if I actually felt better or worse. The next days and weeks would show…

It is always a challange to write about oneself without leaving out an important detail of the own personality. What to say? How to start?

I can describe myself as a romantic, believing in the one and only true love and in being faithful and honest to the people I love. I despise selfish people as well as people who think they are superiour to others. The biggest heart is the one that is treating all kinds of people with respect and without prejudice.

The day I met Mithi I opened my heart to him without prejudice. I opened it to him completely, giving it all to him. I felt like my life started having a meaning with him. I felt never alone again. Every time I came from work he was there waiting to talk to me. And I enjoyed our talks so much. He gave me that feeling that I was able to talk about anything on my heart, expressing it openly.

When Mithi lost his job and had to move back to his parents house in Mangalore, India more than one year ago, I was thinking this would be only temporary. But things turned out differently. He was even more busy there and our talks became less. I tried to think positive in any way and to enjoy life in Berlin the best way possible so that I would not drown in sadness. First it worked fine, but I started to be more and more busy with my office life and especially with making bonds with colleagues. Thinking this would be a good thing to do turned out to be the opposite.

When the person you love is not there to talk to you and to share all the moments with you, you share these moments with someone else. In my case it was a colleague that I started to like a lot. We understood quite well and I thought we could be really good friends. The problem was that I felt more inside when being with him. Many nights I stayed awake thinking how it could be that I felt in a way for him that I used to feel only for Mithi. I knew the answer was the distance.

I am a very open person and I knew that Mithi was able to see that there was something on my mind, so I told him openly about my emotional status and how hard the situation was on me. I promised him to control my feelings if he would give me enough time to find myself again. I am aware of how much I hurt him during that time by telling him everything and asking him to give me time, but during that period I was emotionally devastated and a wreck. I was unable to care for him emotionally too. First I had to fix myself inside and find out where and why I lost myself on the way.

When I came to Mangalore in October to spend the month with Mithi I was hoping my visit would help me to find back to myself and to our love but I was still not ok by then and things would not simply go back to what they were before…

I will never forget the day I was talking to Mithi for the first time. He was crying like waterfalls telling me how lonely he felt and that he was thinking about suicide because he had nobody being there for him and caring for him. I did not know him at all and I also had no idea in my mind what I was actually expecting for myself from talking to him but for some reasons I felt very touched by him opening up to me as a complete stranger, him feeling so free to tell me all these very intimate things from his life. He asked me directly if I was interested in a relationship with him and I said yes.

Looking back, it occures rarely that two people decide so fast to have a relationship with each other. In that case, it was not planned, it just happened. Usually you feel very soon if there is a connection between you and another person and it was there between the two of us. We also knew that we wanted the same out of life.

The following months and years would bring many wonderful conversations, growing feelings and a strong appereciation for each other. Finally we were both able to share our happiness and sadness with someone.

It was not hard for me to love Mithi. His nature made it very easy for me. He can be described as very caring and fully devoted to his partner. He is also a very humorous and witty person. It never gets boring with him. He is a source of information and I admit that I have learned a lot from him. I still miss our conversations enormously. Not only was he a source of information to me, but also a source of inspiration. As I already mentioned, he was the one who inspired me to start this blog and to try out so many things that I would not start on my own. I am one of these people who need an incentive to be creative and for me it was him.

Mithi has many talents. He is a talented writer, a great cook, good in crafts and singing. People love to be around him. For me all these things are not as important as his loving a caring heart.

So the reason why our relationship ended had nothing to do with him. He was actually the best partner I could wish for. It had to do with me and the circumstances we were put in. But that is a different chapter.

It has been a really long time since I posted something on my blog. I started this blog with the idea of sharing with all of you pieces of my life and creative ideas such as cooking, sewing and photography. It was actually love for my darling Mithi that moved me to start this blog. Unfortunately our relationship did not survive the circumstances we were put into but the love was true and beautiful and it is still in my heart.

Being with Mithi was the most wonderful time in my life and I am still thankful for the chance of meeting the most precious person in my life so far.

I do not want to indulge in sentimentaliy but simply express my feelings about this blessed time and relationship with my partner, giving it the respect that it deserves.

I am expressing my feelings by telling our story, the story about two lovers, the story about Lu and Mithi, the names we have given each other, accompanied with photographs I made in his home town, Mangalore, India.

My days are very busy and I have to stay on track planning my job career for the next months and years, so there is not really time to design or sew something. Nevertheless I did some great fabric shopping this year and I have enough material to work with. Of course, I did not want to hold back myself from giving you a look into my fabric closet and a little preview of what you could expect to see from me the next months.Considering the fact that I want to make menswear, it’s a little bit funny what fabrics I’ve chosen to work with, but I love to work with interesting unconventional fabrics. It’s a great way to practice and to mix different fabrics together.

So, there was this velvet stretch fabric on sale and I bought 4 meters of it. I’ve already done some pieces with it and I can tell you it’s not easy to work with it.Then we have this vintage looking light chiffon fabric. I can imagine a beautiful tunic or shirt with it.I also bought some gold and shiny fabrics. It’s really one of my favorite color. Some of these could be used as a lining or in a decorative way.Naturally, I want to make some beautiful warm sweaters and jackets, so I’ve found these gorgeous knit fabrics with a fabulous structure and beautiful colors.The one I fell in love with the most was this colorful and vibrant but yet romantic silk fabric. It cost me the most money out of all my fabrics.I hope my days become more relaxed again so that I can start with all my different sewing projects turning these gorgeous fabrics into lovely clothes.

Following the fashion week shows and all the new fall/winter 2013 collections was great. It’s so inspiring to see the visions of so many designers and to get inspired yourself. I’ve decided to show you some of my favorite looks from the fashion week when is comes to design and inspiration. These are not the most beautiful or most wearable looks, but the ones that inspired me the most. It’s a very colorful mix from different designers. Enjoy.

Happy new year to all of you bloggers and all of my followers! I hope your year 2012 was as successful as mine and that the next year will be the same productive, creative and inspiring as the last one. I really did enjoy the christmas holidays so far and I could use all the time to finish some of my projects. There are still some days left for me until going back to work. I definitely want to use this time to relax and to gather some energy to be even more productive until the next holidays.

I was very surprised to visit my Blog yesterday and to find out that I was nominated by http://cookingforthechemicallysensitive.wordpress.com/ for my first Blog of the Year 2012 Award! I’ve started blogging four months ago and this award is definitely a huge motivation to continue blogging and sharing my experiences with all of you. Hopefully there is a chance for me to receive next year a second Blog of the Year Award!

It’s been only a week that I got my first blog award here on wordpress and this week I already received my second award. This time I need to thank Tonette of tonettejoycefoodfriendsfamily.wordpress.com for nominating me for the Reality Blog Award. It is very motivating to receive such a special award.

Here are five questions to be answered for this award:

1.If you could change one thing, what would you change?

I wished there would be no borders between countries and everyone was free to travel,work and to live where he wants.

2. If you could repeat an age, what would it be?

I would repeat my high school time, to be more ambitious about my future plans this time.

3. What is one thing that really scares you?

To loose myself in a monotone job not being able to change my situation.

4. What is one dream you have not completed, and do you think you’ll be able to complete it?

I’m dreaming of starting my own clothing collection, it’s still a long way there, but I’m planning to complete it.

5. If you could be someone else for one day, who would it be?

I would like to be my partner for one day to understand the way he feels and to understand who it feels to be in a relationship with me.

1 Visit and thank the blogger who nominated you.
2 Acknowledge that blogger on your blog and link back.
3 Answer the same 5 questions presented.
4 Nominate up to 20 blogs for the award and notify them on their blogs.
5 Copy and paste the award on your blog somewhere.

Congratulations to all of you and thanks to everyone who is following my blog every month!