Tag Archives: lono for senate

Nothing need be done. Women hate him, and rightfully so. He can’t win without women. Issue over. What fascinates me more is this – will the GOP fall in line? Trump is the embodiment of everything a Democrat (like me) thinks a Republican is: rich, old, white, racist, misogynist.

But just only very recently did the GOP finally figure out that isn’t the path to the future. Their target demo is dying off. Their goal, believe it or not, is to NOT be that guy. They want to show Americans they are not old, rich, white, racist, and misogynist. They know their long term strategy has to go WAY the other way.

But.. for this election cycle, will they suck it up for the party and stand behind him? If they do, they prove themselves to be the racist and useless stereotypes that they are. If they don’t, they cross the right. The right is a very powerful entity. my god, you have no idea. Google ‘citizens united supreme court decision’ if you want to know the exact moment that Democracy ended in America.

Who is your write in candidate?

Easy, Elon Musk. He is a genius, for one. He is the guy behind the Tesla sports car, Space X (which is effectively now NASA. NASA does not travel to space anymore. For cargo, Elon Musk’s company handles it all. For humans, we use Russia. He also pioneered solar technology so that average families could own it with his company ‘Solar City’. So, the guy is doing great things for humanity.

He is literally a rocket scientist… and then there is this. Last year, he took ALL the patents his car company (Tesla) that were developed to further the technology of batteries and electric cars… and made them public. He just gave all that info away… to humanity. He said ‘here world. This is what we have done. Tell me what you think. Improve on it”.

I can’t think of anyone in history who has been as benevolent and influential across a myriad of disciplines. I think he is the most important person alive right now.

I don’t want to buy stock in Elon Musk companies. I want to buy stock in Elon Musk. seriously; read this and tell me if he isn’t the greatest and most helpful mind living.

There were 5 Dem nominees for president and 17 for the GOP – who was missing in that huge field?

No Dems bothered to show up. It was no secret Hillary was going for it. She had the money and the backers and the political experience. Why waste 2 years of your life and millions of dollars on a long shot? Hold out until 2020.

If you are asking me who I think the next bumper crop of influential Democrats are, I have no idea. Similar to messaging, I don’t think the left is as good at creating bench strength. I am sure there are many great and hard working young minds out there that we don’t know about. They have time, though. Odds are, Hillary wins this election. That will then be 12 years of Democrats, so America won’t re-elect her. People are going to be VERY sick of Democrats by then.

If I were an ambitious young Democrat right now, I would sit out the next 8 years. Hillary gets this one, the GOP gets the next one (2020). Being the GOP, though, they will still be assholes who work aggressively for no one but themselves, and get voted out after a single term.

And if Hillary wins re-election, I absolutely guarantee you whomever succeeds her will not win as a Dem. America will be wicked sick of Dems if we take 16 years.

What the right would be wise to do is find a young and super smart black kid with conservative values. You get a 35 year old black republican congressman to say ‘welfare is holding America and it’s minorities back, and we demand work and accountability’ and every republican in America will jizz themselves simultaneously.

Who is your favorite president?

Obama. To paraphrase a great and famous football meltdown “he is who we thought he was”. I also think he will go down as one of the absolute greats.

For a real election to work everybody needs to vote. What will you do to get a few additional folks to the polls?

Not a goddamn thing. Do you fucking duty as a human and participate in society. It’s easy, and it’s free. The president doesn’t have near the power you think he does. Wanna fix shit? Instead of arguing about Donald or Hillary at the water cooler, talk about your congress folk. Know who they are. Vote on them. They are the ones truly running the govt. Those are the ones you say are dirty useless thieving bastards. Those are the ones with 87% disapproval right now, and yet they are the ones who get re-elected 92% of the time.

Want change? Want hope? Want a puppy in every new car? Go fuck up Congress. They are the ones literally and actively destroying your life right now.

Want someone you can trust? Elect me! I wrote this 12 years ago, and it is truly every green. Lono for Senate – Now, more than ever!

I want to talk to you about ‘Push Polling’. It’s a political trick, and it works. There is an off year election coming up, so I want you know these tricks. People say ‘negative campaigning doesn’t work’. They are wrong, it almost always works. Push Polling is kinda awesome and brilliant. It’s also wrong, really deeply morally wrong.

So, here is what Push Polling is. Let’s say the candidate’s name is Lono. Let’s say you are the opposition to Lono. In this scenario, Lono is a Democrat and the opposition is a Republican. It’s a fair generalization, as this tactic was pioneered by the GOP. So, they call you and say “if I told you that Lono wanted to murder puppies who don’t pay taxes. Is that something you would support?”

Now, this is nonsense. However, now I have to answer questions about puppy murder. Now the headline in the papers says “candidate Lono denies puppy murder”. Now, when you type in ‘Lono’ in google, it will auto-complete ‘puppy murder’. It’s fucked up, and it works. Shit, just me writing this article will connect those words together. That is why I use the pseudonym.

Hunter Thompson did this to great effect against Ed Muskie. He thought it would be funny to spread a rumor that he was hooked on Ibogaine. It was brilliant, and of course evil. Most importantly, it worked. Now this poor Muskie guy is defending himself against a totally fabricated claim. In fact, when you Wiki ‘Ibogaine’, this scandal comes up.

Dear reader, after much vetting by my posse*, I am pleased to formally announce my bid for Senator of the great state of Colorado. My press release follows. It is about 30% longer and at least 7% funnier than the original.

* by posse, I mean my mother

(dramatic voiceover) My name is Lono, and I approved this ad.

Lono for Colorado Senate

Coloradans, much like the rest of the nation, are growing tired of partisan politics and business as usual. They are growing tired of political scandals and their officials pandering to lobbyists. I am running for Senate on the unique platform that after me, you won’t have to vote anymore! How many of those soulless suits on the ballet can promise that? If you take a good look at my campaign, it is clear it has ‘one termer’ written all over it.

My position on the issues? Frankly, those aren’t your business, mister. As for my character, let me say you will not find me nailing big breasted interns on the job, or doing lines of blow off their asses. No sir, the only big breasted woman on the payroll that I’ll be nailing on your tax dollar will be my wife… one of them anyhow! How is that for family values? Are you tired of politicians who will only vote along party lines? That ends with me, bubba, for I will vote only for things in my best interest. I’ll do more than stand up to the lobbyists… I’ll stand up to the biggest political action committee of them all… you, the voter! I won’t even take calls or open your mail, that is how sure you can be I am free of corruption and special interests.

Are you worried about career politicians who grow complacent? How do you feel about term limits? Well, if history is any indication, a series of indictments will have me out of office within the first few months. I am no life long public servant either. Frankly I have always been suspicious of those super helpful types. I think you’ll find my new campaign slogan in perfect keeping with your core values:

America, I have been inspired. My arch rival Roy suggested that I run for senator for Colorado, now that the wonderful Mr Nighthorse Campbell has stepped aside. My qualifications? None. Are you tired of politics as usual in Washington? Are you tired of back office shenanigans? Are you tired of sweetheart deals that screw the taxpayer? Are you tired of your congressman nailing interns on your dollar? I am sure am, America.

What Colorado needs is a true outsider. I assure you my friends, ‘slick’ is not the adjective people use to describe me. Charismatic, resourceful, ambitious… these are words not often bandied about in my autobiography! What Colorado needs is someone with a fresh perspective. Somebody who can stand up to the lobbyists. Better still, someone who can stand up to the constituents! You want someone who can stand up to big tobacco? How about big Legal? I am beholden to no one. I owe nobody nothing. I could help you, but I won’t. I am not about favors, I am about public service.

I am that man, and I have a new campaign slogan that I crafted myself recently, and I would like to know what you think. It speaks to my fresh ‘outsider’ status.