To me government is basically parents or adults... especially the IRS, the IRS is like Ward and June Cleaver, and we're all Wally and the Beaver and your accountant is Eddy Hascal showing you all these neat tricks to get away with stuff. Which is fine unless you get audited then you don't want some wise guy in a suit just standing there going 'You have a very lovely office here sir.' Because jail is the government's way of sending you to your room and when you meet Whitey and Lumpy in the joint, there's really gonna be something wrong with the Beaver.

[Monk's]

(Jerry, George and Elaine at he booth behind the cash register)

JERRY: So, does he like you?

ELAINE: What do you think?

JERRY: You like him?

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah like him, definitely like him. I like him a lot.

GEORGE: So, what's wrong with him?

ELAINE: Nothing, and I've looked.

GEORGE: Well, I'm sure you'll find something.

JERRY: So, how did you meet him?

ELAINE: In the office.

JERRY: So, he's a writer.

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: Yeah, big surprise.

ELAINE: So, I was sitting at the reception desk, I was looking pretty hot. I was wearing my sling back pumps.

GEORGE: What are those?

ELAINE: Ask your mother, (making fun of George's living situation) you live with her now, don't you? Anyway, so then this guy comes up to me and starts feeling my jacket through his thumb and his forefinger like this.

(Elaine feels George's material)

JERRY: So, what did you do?

ELAINE: I said: "So, what do you think?". And he said, "Gabardine?". And I said, "Yeah." That was it.

GEORGE: Wow, just felt your material?

ELAINE: Yeah...Jake Jarmel.

GEORGE: Sounds like a cool guy.

JERRY: Sounds like a jerk. Felt your material, come on.

GEORGE: Jerry, where did you get that sweater?

JERRY: Oh, what do you think? I found it at the back of my closet.

GEORGE: I think that's what the back of closets are for.

(Elaine looks out the window)

ELAINE: Hey, that's Barry. Look it's Barry. (taps on the window)

JERRY: (taps on the window) Hey...

ELAINE: Hi.

GEORGE: Who's that?

JERRY: That's Barry Prophet, he's our accountant.

GEORGE: I don't know how you can let this guy handle all your money.

ELAINE: Oh, he doesn't handle my money, he handles Jerry's money. He just does my taxes.

ELAINE: Well, I mean if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point.

JAKE: Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do.

ELAINE: You don't think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point.

JAKE: Hey look, I just chalked down the message. I didn't know I was required to capture the mood of each caller.

ELAINE: I just thought you would be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby.

JAKE: Ok, I'm excited. I just don't happen to like exclamation points.

ELAINE: Well, you know Jake, you should learn to use them. Like the way I'm talking right now, I would put an exclamation points at the end of all these sentences! On this one! And on that one!

JAKE: Well, you can put one on this one: I'm leaving!

(Elaine laughs as Jake leaves)

[5A. Jerry and Elaine]

JERRY: You're out of your mind you know that.

ELAINE: Why?

JERRY: It's an exclamation point! It's a line with a dot under it.

ELAINE: Well, I felt a call for one.

JERRY: A call for one, you know I thought I've heard everything. I've never heard a relationship being affected by a punctuation.

ELAINE: I found it very troubling that he didn't use one.

JERRY: George was right. Didn't take you long.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Anything new with that guy on drugs?

ELAINE: Oh, he's not on drugs.

KRAMER: Then why the sniffing? Who walks around (sniff, sniff) sniffing?

ELAINE: All right, here, you call him right now. See if he's sniffing right now.

JERRY: Good idea. (Jerry calls Barry's office)

VOICE ON THE PHONE: Prophet and Goldstein.

JERRY: Yes, I'd like to speak to Barry Prophet, please.

VOICE: I'm sorry he's out of town this week.

JERRY: Out of town?

VOICE: Yes, he went to South America.

JERRY: South America?

KRAMER: South America?

JERRY: I'll call back, thank you. (hangs up the phone) He went to South America!

KRAMER: Yyyeeaaah!!

ELAINE: So what?

JERRY: Who goes to South America?

ELAINE: People go to South America.

JERRY: Yeah, and they come back with things taped to they're large intestine.

ELAINE: So, because of a few bad apples you're gonna impugn an entire continent?

JERRY: Yes, I'm impugning a continent.

KRAMER: Well, I say we're going to take our money right now!

(Newman enters)

NEWMAN: Hey, hey...

JERRY: Hello Newman.

NEWMAN: Hello Jerry. (to Kramer) So, any news?

KRAMER: Yeah, he skipped out and *ptruut* went to South America!

NEWMAN: South America?! (to Jerry) What kind of snow blower you get us mixed up with?

ELAINE: Look it, gentlemen. The fact remains you still have no proof. This is all speculation and hearsay.

KRAMER: Wait, there is one way to find out. We set up a sting. You know like Abscam. Like Abscam Jerry.

ELAINE: Ohh, what are you gonna do? You gonna put on phony beards and dress-up like Arab sheiks and sit around in some hotel room. I mean come on...

JERRY: Wait a second. Maybe there is someway we can tempt him and find out...

NEWMAN: If we put our three heads together we should come up with something.

(Jerry, Kramer and Newman begin thinking)

[Jerry's Car]

(Jerry, Kramer and Newman)

KRAMER: What's today?

NEWMAN: It's Thursday.

KRAMER: Really? Feels like Tuesday.

NEWMAN: Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel....

KRAMER: I feel Tuesday and Wednesday...

JERRY: All right, shut up the both of you! You're making me nervous. Where is he already? He should've been out of work by now.

NEWMAN: Hey, you know this is kind of fun.

KRAMER: Yeah, maybe we oughta become private detectives...

JERRY: Yeah maybe you should.

KRAMER: Maybe I will.

NEWMAN: Yeah, me too.

JERRY: All right, what are you gonna say to him?

KRAMER: Just gonna find out if he's interested.

NEWMAN: Hey, hey maybe I should go with him?

JERRY: No, you stay here in the car.

NEWMAN: Who made you the leader?

JERRY: All right Newman, one more peep outta you, you're out of the whole operation!

NEWMAN: Alright.

JERRY: There he is. He's going into that bar.

KRAMER: All right, I'm going in.

JERRY: Be careful Kramer.

(Kramer leaves)

NEWMAN: I shoulda gone in with him.

JERRY: No, you stay here in the car. I may need you.

NEWMAN: What you need me in the car for?

JERRY: I might need you to get me a soda.

[Bar]

(Barry is drinking by the counter. Kramer enters)

KRAMER: I'll have a brewsky, Charlie.

BARTENDER: The name's Mitch.

KRAMER: Oh, there's nothing like a cold one after a long day, eh?

BARRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Oh yeah, I've been known to drink a beer or two. But then again, I've been known to do a lot of things. (Waiter opens the counter which hits Kramer on the head) Cigarette?

BARRY: (sniffs) No, I never touch them.

KRAMER: I suck'em down like Coca-Cola. Well here's to feeling good all the time. (Kramer drinks the beer and smokes the cigarette at the same time. Barry sniffs) Looks like you've got yourself a little cold there, eh fella?

BARRY: I don't think so.

KRAMER: Me neither.

(Kramer puts the cigarette back in his mouth the wrong way)

[Jerry's Car]

(Newman is now in the passenger seat)

JERRY: You should try this new dental floss Glide, it's fantastic.

NEWMAN: I use dental tape.

JERRY: You should try this.

NEWMAN: I don't wanna.

JERRY: Not even once?

NEWMAN: No.

JERRY: You're an idiot.

NEWMAN: Why, because I use dental tape?

JERRY: Right, anyone who uses dental tape is an idiot.

[Bar]

KRAMER: South America?

BARRY: Yeah, yeah.

KRAMER: Well that's a burgeoning continent.

BARRY: Well, they are expanding their economic base.

KRAMER: Tell me about it.

BARRY: (sniffs) Excuse me, I gotta goto the bathroom.

KRAMER: I'm hip.

BARRY: Hip to the what?

KRAMER: To the whole scene. (sniff)

BARRY: What scene?

KRAMER: The bathroom scene. (moves his knows as you would if you sniffed)

BARRY: Listen, don't take this personally, but when I'm coming back I'm sitting over there.

KRAMER: What ever turns you on.

[Jerry's Car]

(Newman takes a dental floss out of his mouth.)

NEWMAN: No, no I don't like it.

JERRY: What do you mean you don't like it? How could you not like it?

NEWMAN: I like the thick tape.

(Newman puts dental floss on the dashboard. Jerry looks disgusted.)

[Bar]

(Kramer enters the bathroom, kicks the door open and takes a photograph)

GEORGE: Well, that interests me very much Mr. Farkus.Very much indeed, sir.

FARKUS: Have you ever sold a woman's line before?

GEORGE: No, but um I have very good report with women, very good, comfortable. And from the first time I laid eyes on a brassieres, I was enthralled.

FARKUS: Hum. tell me about it.

GEORGE: Well, I was 14 years old. I was in my friends bathroom. His mother's brassieres were hanging on the shower rod and I picked it up, studied it. I thought, I like this. I didn't know what way or what level, but I knew: I wanted to be around brassieres.

FARKUS: That's an incredible story. You have a remarkable passion for brassieres.

GEORGE: Well, they're more than an underwear to me Mr. Farkus. Two cups in the front, two loops in the back. How do they do it?

FARKUS: Well, I think I can say, barring some unforeseen incident, that you will have a very bright future here at E.D. Granmont.

GEORGE: Thank you Mr.Farkus, thank you very much indeed sir.

FARKUS: See you monday 9 o'clock.

GEORGE: If you don't mind, sir. I'll be here at 8.

FARKUS: Excellent.

GEORGE: So long, Mr. Farkus.

(George leaves the office and goes to the elevator. A women there is waiting for the elevator. George feels her blouse material.)

MS. DE GRANMONT: What you're think you're doing?

GEORGE: Oh, nothing...

MS. DE GRANMONT: Farkus, get out here!

FARKUS: Yes, Ms. De Granmont?

MS. DE GRANMONT: Farkus, who is this pervert little weasel?

FARKUS: Uh, this is Costanza, he's our new bra salesman. (George's offers his hand to shake) He's supposed to start on monday.

[Newman is taking the letter to the mailbox. There's a woman at same time at the letterbox.]

NEWMAN: After you.

WOMAN: Thank you.

(Newman feels the woman's coat material.)

WOMAN: Get your hands off of me! Johnny!!! Johnny!

(Newman rushes away dropping the letter on the ground. Johnny chases after him)

[Costanza's]

FRANK: What do you mean you felt the material? What, with your fingers like this?

GEORGE: So what, what is so bad about that?

ESTELLE: Who goes around feeling people's material? What can be gained by feeling a person's material? It's insanity!

FRANK: What ever happened to "Why, that's a lovely dress you have on. May I have this dance?"!!

[Monk's]

(Kramer and Elaine at the booth behind the cash register)

ELAINE: You are really lucky Newman never mailed that letter.

(Jerry enters and tosses a letter on the table)

JERRY: Sorry I'm late, I just came from a meeting with my lawyer.

ELAINE: What is this?

JERRY: It's a letter from your friend Barry Prophet's lawyer.

ELAINE: He is filing a chapter eleven. Why, what's going on, why is he filing a chapter eleven?

JERRY: Bankruptcy, bankruptcy...as in I've taken your money and spent it on drugs!

ELAINE: What do you mean, I thought it was the sweater.

KRAMER: All right, What about the money?

JERRY: What about the money? Apparently if I had dissolved my relationship with him prior to his filing chapter eleven, I've could've got the money back. Which I would've done, if a certain imbecile had been able to get to a mailbox and mail a letter!!

(Newman enters and goes to the counter.)

NEWMAN: Pair of bear claws, please.

(Jerry approaches Newman, but some women comes between and feels Jerry's shirt.)

WOMAN: Nice.

JERRY: Think so?

WOMAN: Yeah, what is it?

JERRY: Half silk, half cotton, half linen. How can you go wrong?

[Closing Monologue]

My accountant actually did take a big chunk of money from me and use it to buy drugs and the thing that was hardest for me to comprehend about this is the life choice of drug abuse and accounting. But actually it makes sense I mean why would an athlete or a musician take drugs? They have an interesting job but an accountant if ever a job required some hallucinogenic support this is the job. That should be the legal defense, you're in court "You're charged with possession of illegal narcotics" "But you're honor, I'm an accountant." "Bang, case closed. Bailiff give this man back his peyote buttons and tequila back for the drive home. Sorry to bother you sir, terribly sorry."