Tuesday, October 31, 2006

My husband and I dated for a short time before we were engaged, however our engagement was one for the books: We were engaged April of 1997 and married May of 2002. Most people assume it too me all that time to get him to walk down the aisle, when actually it was the complete opposite.

My husband would have married me the day he put the engagement ring on my finger, however I wasn't completely ready for marriage. I knew he was the one that I was going to marry, however I knew that I was just too young for that step at the age of nineteen! All my life I had imagined that being at least 23 was the right time. There's not a specific reason as to why 23 rather than 22, it's just rationale that I put together at some point in my life.

My husband and I come from nasty divorces, and for the most part neither of us had healthy relationships with our fathers. The most important factor in getting married was that we try not repeat our parents' marriages. We both agreed that divorce would be a last resort to a failing marriage. We agreed that we would do counseling and do whatever it took to keep our family together. If the worst was to happen we also agreed that the children came first and our differences would be set aside. I know it's one thing to say it when you're relationship is healthy, but we've both lived the worst case scenerio and really believe that we need to our best to keep that world out of our family.

In talking about that we also had quite a few other things to get out of the way. We both wanted to have children, but I think people forget to discuss how they will raise their children. I didn't want to get a few years into a marriage and find surprises!

I grew up in a recovering Catholic household. My parents divorced when I was four and my mother remarried seven years later. In that time we periodically went to Sunday school and basically went to church for holidays. When she remarried we actually attended Sunday school every Sunday until we were confirmed in 9th grade.

Jason grew up in an extreme Christian household. When he was seven his parets divorced and many family members say it had to do with his mom "finding the Lord." His father refused to go along with her Born Again crowd and eventually she chose the church over her husband. My husband went to Christian School until his mom couldn't afford to pay the tuition. Public school was a completely different world! Jason has never Trick-or-Treated ...because that was "Celebrating a Peagen Holiday," he was told. He was allowed to participate in the public school's parties, but beyond that he was forbidden to recognize the day.

The Halloween thing really baffled me. Over the years Jason and I discussed it and though he found the church he grew up in to be a bunch of hooey, he still held onto the Halloween beliefs. I'm not one to tear someone down for their beliefs, but I'm not afraid to question their beliefs. I know the history surrounding Halloween and understand the Christian attitude towards the specktical, but Halloween isn't about that anymore than the Easter Bunny being apart of the crucification of Christ. Halloween is another Hallmark Holiday! Children get to dress up and get to go door to door for candy. The spooky things are in fun!

Jason was dead set that his children would not trick-or-Treat. I was dead set on the fact that I could not marry someone that selectively picked the rules of a church he no longer attends! I wouldn't have even dated him if he was apart of that church, mainly because our belief systems wouldn't meshed....so I wouldn't exactly marry one! It's not that Halloween is all that important to me, it's the fact that I don't believe it's a bad thing and is about fun!

Jason and I talked this subject to death. I refused to step down from my position, and basically said that I couldn't marry him if he was going to pick and chose his beliefs from that church. I know it sounds harsh, but I do not compromise my beliefs! My final word on the matter was No Halloween? Then there's no Easter Bunny or Santa. In the end we came to an agreement: Halloween would not be banned, and the only stipulation was that the kids could not be dressed as ghosts, goblins, witches, etc. It was a healthy compromise.

This is MacKenzy's third Halloween and you would never know that Jason was once totally against the day. The first year I bought her a little Strawberry outfit, but then he insisted on buying her a 2nd costume; a dalmation. Last year I bought her the cutest Rooster costume at Old Navy. Jason loved it just as much as I did. Neither years did we really take her Trick-or-Treating. She was too young to understand it all. This year its a whole new world.

This year she's Elmo. Not my first pick in the costume department, but my mom found it and wanted to buy it for her. In the last few weeks she's been head over heals for Dora. Had I known I would have sought out a Dora costume. We went to a kid Halloween party this past Saturday. When we walked into the party a little girl was dressed as Dora and MacKenzy went nuts! I think she really thought the girl was the real Dora. When the little girl turned around MacKenzy screamed, "Backpack!" She was so excited!

I have never really decorated for Halloween; I decorate for Fall. A few weeks ago we had Jason's grandmother over for dinner and she brought a couple of her own decorations fearing that we would not decorate for MacKenzy. I waited for Jason to refuse them, but instead he was almost like a kid! He put them up immediately and seemed excited about them- How odd. Then last Thursday I came home from work to see him decorating the outside of the house with cob-webs and black lights. He had bought a strobe light, a fog machine, and black lights for all of the outside lighting. I asked him, "Who are you and what have you done with the guy that thought Halloween was such a horrible thing?"

Monday, October 30, 2006

Back on August 2nd I wrote "Long Distrubing Road." I couldn't, and still can't go into detail about the ordeal. It's something that we've tried not to let consume our lives, but it seems every time we relax a little it comes back to haunt us some more.In this ordeal we have done nothing wrong and have tried to move on dispite its huge effect on our family. To give a little more of an explanation, it's a family fight on my husband's side. He's directly the focus of the ordeal and it has split the family completely in half. The nastiest of things have been said, presumed, and told to people outside the family. The fight is over something that supposedly happened over 20 years ago. Family members that my husband was extremely close to have turned on him, and anyone that has stood behind him. His grandmother is devestated and completely depressed because not only has she been disowned by that side of the family but because her family has turned into a war zone. She lives for her family and she just can't grasp that her own daughter and grandkids could be so harsh and nasty.This all started at the end of July. For the first month it consumed our lives, but as time has gone by we've been able to set back into a routine of ignoring it. We have agreed to not give them the satisfaction of letting it ruin our lives....they can dwell on it and live their own unhappy lives. Yesterday my husband received a letter from his aunt. I never read the entire letter, but what I did read explained why he was so upset. Our decision to let them stir in their own maddness has led them to believe that he's scared to confront them. This couldn't be further from the truth! He's not confronting them because he doesn't want to give them the light of day...he knows what they're saying is a complete lie and that regardless of what he says they'll never take his word for it.So with that...our emotional rollercoaster has hit another peak. My husband spoke to his mom last night, who in turn discussed it with her husband. When this all started he spoke to an attorney for us, and told us that if need be he would pay for one. Well with some of the threats that were in the letter from his aunt has officially sent things in motion, and unfortunately a case of slander is in the works. She is out to ruin my husband, and in turn destroying our family...she's made countless little jabs and now we have to come back with a full-force punch to the gut. We don't want to do this...we just really want the truth out and so everyone can move on! But we don't see that happening and we simply need to protect ourselves and our livelihood!

I am a loyal reader of Dooce.com and in her post yesterday she noted your piece. She too suffers from debilitating depression....as do I.

I absolutely LOVED your story. You basically said all the things that I couldn't ever put into words about my own illness. Though I only sought out help for the first time about 8 years ago, in hindsight I realize it's a been a serious issue all of my life. Facing that fact was ten times harder than living that way.

I too hate the thought that I have to take pills on a daily basis to remain "normal," but by self-prescribing myself to stop taking the medications I realized how much better my life is with them.

Your mentioning the zoning out really caught me off guard because on some of my worst days that's what I do. I've never thought anything of it until now. When I was at home on bedrest with my now 2 year old daughter, I could lay there for hours and just stare out the window. I would lose all track of time and would forget to eat. I'd find myself showering at 4pm because I did nothing else but look out the window. I don't even recall that I was thinking of anything; a blank mind.

I still find myself doing that now and again, but for the most part I can recognize it and snap out of it.

Anxiety is truly apart of my everyday life and since I've acknowledged that, my depression has remained under some control. I started going to therapy in August as well, though it was something I imagined close to hell. I didn't want to go have a cry-fest, I was down enough! If I had known it would like it is, I would have been in therapy a long time ago. I walk out of each session feeling so happy and powerful...I'd sit there all day if I could!

My medications can only works so well...I have to help myself too. I can be a wuss and just take my pills and move on....but to take note of the situation and try my best to help it improve....that takes balls! I still have my bad days, but I'm learning to notice them coming! I've learned to remove myself from stressful situations by refusing to allow other people over power me.

I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Disorder as well, and without going into details I can now see how that certain moment in my life changed me forever...and sent me down a road that led me to where I am now.

I am so happy for you, that you're comfortable enough to talk about your inner most-self....because that's what it is! It's your mental world that you're sharing...and from what I've learned, sharing that part of myself with people can be scary! But I have since opened up a comfortable conversation and now a few of my friends have come to me saying that they've sought help because of ME and the fact that I talked about it and made them feel okay about getting help.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

*You're not allowed to make popcorn after you've burned it more than once before!!!

*If you need to charge your cell phone during the day, do it at your desk...not in some random place in the office!

*Halloween, Christmas, Easter, etc. apparel... you don't need to be wearing your orange shirt with the Jack-o-lantern on it to the office! I don't care if it's October 31st. (keep the matching earrings at home too, please.)

*Christmas music before the month of December, and it must end December 25th as well. (I'm not a scrooge...25 days of straight Christmas music is enough!)

*No 8x10 photos of your kids or your pets

*The smell of cigarette smoke. If you're a smoker, you must decon before entering the building.

Okay so I need help....I love my job. It's not so much exactly what I do that I love, but I love my boss. I've never been in a job where I've respected my boss as much as I do here...and I've never felt so respected.Problem:The pay is shit!Just before I was due for raise the company froze all wages and spending due to the fact that the industry is slowing down and we need to adjust. Prior to the freeze there were also talks of me taking on a new project that would require a company car, and an additional raise.We are hurting financially BIG TIME and I'm being pressured to find a better paying job. In the current job market I should feel thrilled that I even have a job! After college I had two good paying jobs....great paying jobs considering I wasn't married, rented, and didn't have any children! Though I had cash coming in, I hated going to work every day! My bosses took advantage of me and continuely expected more and more out of me. My first job out of college damn near put me in the looney bin...seriously. The second job basically ended with a shouting match between me and my boss.I'm not a difficult employee by any means...if you ask me to do something, I'll do it! If I don't know how to do it, I'll figure it out! So here I am in a job where I enjoy showing up! I can't say that I like working with everyone in this office...but my boss totally makes up for all that!So with pressure from my husband to find a new job....what do I do? Do I say something to my boss? Do tell her that I'm in a bind??? Or do I apply for other jobs on the down low and if and when I'm offered a better paying position give my boss the chance to counter-offer??

I'm having one of those days again....I can't catch up and my blood is boiling. I took my meds this morning, however I didn't eat until about 5 minutes ago.My morning consisted of:*No time for shower (ick!)*Whiney 2 year old wants to watch "George" and once it's in and started, "NO!!! Bambi!" The screaming is enough to send me over the edge, so I comply to her demands.*Have to practically sit on child to get her dressed....and she refuses to have her matted hair done.*Leave house half-hour late...going to be late for work, again.*2 year old has a melt down when I leave her at daycare.*Get to work 19 minutes late....not as bad as I had thought.*Desk is a complete disaster and I'm not ready for the accountant today. While racing to get things together, stuff starts falling off my desk. MY DESK IS TOO SMALL!*Important fax won't go through, keep getting busy signal....fuck 'em they can call for it again and I'll tell them it's their own damn fault.*The more I try to calm down and CHILL OUT, the more pissed off I get! At what? God only knows!I'm feeling better now...it just won't take much to put me back to where I was though. I need to stear clear of Mrs. Stupid Questions and Mrs. The World Doesn't Go My Way.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

She claims that she hasn't had any alone time with him. She said that only her oldest sister is aware of the fact that she is adopted, so it's not exactly something she can talk openly about. I basically said, the sooner the better. The longer she keeps it from him the more it turns into dishonesty....she needs to tell him.

A friend of her's mother took some pictures of her for some senior photos...and she said that if she didn't like them she'd have them professionally done. I think this one shot is perfect if you ask me!

I have to hunt my senior photo down so you can see the comparison...I told her that I hate her perfect teeth and that she had better had braces!

As far as meeting her, I won't until I know her father knows about everything. I don't want him to find out on his own and be angry with her, or me!

Friday, October 20, 2006

I can't get over this damn weather....hot cold hot cold! Trust me I love the hot but I could really do without the cold. Over the last couple weeks we've been teased with winter weather...flakes falling from the sky sending everyone into their winter depression. In Minnesota winter can start in June if it sees the need. You can plan a beautiful June wedding and have it ruined by 45 degree weather...I've never witnessed it, but I'm pretty sure it's happened.

In 1991, October 31st brought more than trick-or-treaters to your door, it brought 28+ inches of the white stuff. I remember my dad's electricians sleeping all over our house because they couldn't get home after work.

Why am I ranting about the weather like some nitty old lady with nothing better to do...well, I'm actually happy about the weather right now. This morning when I came into work it was FREEZING, but just now I had to run work errands and it took everything in my body to come back! I was in Target when it hit me, I was sweating like a fat man in a suana. Did help that I had my wool pea-coat over my polar fleece....(the skinny clothes were packed away last week...time for the winter fatties!)

Sadly, by the time I get outside again...it'll probably 40 degrees and cloudy again.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Okay....for awhile I was managing 3 seperate blogs and I just recently brought it down to 2. The blog I deleted was called "Parents Cause Damage" and it was basically a means for me to vent my frustrations in regards to my family. It was theraputic, but I kept finding myself debating which blog I was going to update....I didn't have time for all three.

Besides this site (and the one I deleted) I have a family site. I'm doing it for two reasons...to journal and to share with our friends and family. The journaling is necessary because accroding my daughter's scrapbook, she's still in in the hospital!

Well on my family site and my now deleted site, I had discussed my sister. I have not seen her since she was 1 year-old, and now 16 years later I've tracked her down. So if you're confused by the previous post.....click on the link below and it will explain everything.

Right now I'm eating my lunch at my desk...so I'm actually posting on my own time rather than the norm. SHhhh! I'm drinking a Mountain Dew, which is actually quite disgusting! How did I ever drink this!!!??? Like all high school kids, I lived on the stuff....no I avoid it like the plague! The other night I was drinking a Sunkist (oh Yummy! Orange!!) and my friend and I decided to compare the Nutrition Facts....All around Mountain Dew was actually better! Sunkist had way more sugar and calories. How depressing!

The only reason I'm drinking the Dew is because I'm lazy. We have a fridge full of free soda in my office for clients and staff. Well, its slim-pickins and I don't want to walk down a flight of stairs to buy one! So I sit here and suffer...boo-hooo!

Thank you KneuroKnut for reminding me that I needed to update the sister situation.Things have progressed, however we have yet to meet. I'm not pushing the subject because I don't want to force myself on her! I'm not a stocker! She's in volleyball right now so her schedule is pretty packed but I'm sure it'll happen. As of right now we're basically e-mail buddies. Soon...I've been trying to get out of her whether or not she's told her Dad about being in contact with me. I don't want him left in the dark! If she did tell him, what was his response?? I'm curious!

I wasn't going to tell my older about it quite yet. I was going to ease him into it. In the past when I'd mention Marki he'd show no interest. I was talking with him on the phone on Sunday night and it just seemed right. When I told him the story he was immediately interested, which was far from what I thought he'd do. He pulled up her website and instantly said, "Wow! She looks exactly like you!"

I told him I'd keep him in the loop and "maybe one day you'll meet her too!" He was totally cool with that....cool!

I also talked to my cousin Shelly, who is from that side of the family. She is really the only person I keep in touch with on that side of the family. She actually lives nearby Marki...all these years! They live on the same lake, in the same bay! She was going to ask her kids, who are the same age as Marki, if they knew her. They go to different schools, but her kids hang out with a lot of kids from Marki's school too.

Wouldn't it just be the weirdest thing if Shelly's kids knew Marki all this time???

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I need a change...I've been down in the dumps and I'm really getting sick of it. The depression thing is getting to me....while the anxiety seems to be getting better- go figure! The weather isn't helping matters. Seattle blahs...in Minnesota. I can handle the cold if there's sun...but we've been flirting with snow flurries since last week and I'm not ready! Winter is just too depressing! Come into work it's dark....leave work it's dark. The light of day completely passes me by while I sit at my desk.I've been playing with the idea of changing up my hair...drastically. Right now I have a very non-committal style...long, with a few layers, and highlights. I've grown out my bangs again because the fuss was too much...and now I'm actually debating cutting it all off and having to fuss with it daily! Fussing with short hair can't be anything like my mop! Yes I can always pull it back into a pony or frump, but I tend to do that all the time! I'm lazy! I want my hair done NOW...I don't want to blow dry it for the next 10 minutes!So here's the picture I'm looking at:

Some of the people I've showed say it's too drastic, and others are saying to go for it....I'm feeling GO FOR IT is the best answer. I know my husband won't be pleased, but he'll get over it. He likes my long flowing hair. Barf!

This picture was taken in March, but illistrates exactly how i wear my hair on a daily basis (and actually is how I am exactly wearing my hair at this moment). It's pulled strait back....to which I have too high of a forhead but who wants to bother with annoying bangs. In this photo it's pulled into a pony, most of the time it's in what I call a frump....a partly pulled-thru pony.blah blah blah blah! That is exactly how I feel- BLAH! To get past this funk I need to do something...I need to try something new. It's only October, how the hell am I going to make it until April or even May!!!!?We've been discussing spending Christmas with my parents and younger brothers in Cancun this year. It's not my idea of a Christmas, but paying pennies on the dollar makes it so appealing! And the much needed sun and warmth is the deal maker. We are still trying to figure out how much it'll cost us and that will be the deciding factor! Either way....we're going to Orlando in April to see Jay's mom and her husband, so we'll warm up eventually!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

This morning I was trying to look up my hometown's newspaper online to read a story that my mother suggested I read. I found the site, found the article....clicked on the article to view the entire story and it asked for my login!?! What? I know the Minneapolis Star-Tribune allows access for a limited time before logging in, but ultimately you can make a generic username and password and it's not a big deal. This isn't the case here...

I have to subscribe to the actual paper in order to have a username and password. The site allows you to purchase the subscription online.......but what the???

If I had the newspaper coming to me weekly (yes, it's a small town!) why would I view it online? It's not exactly a paper that you can't read in one sitting. I understand the convienence factor...at the office, want to see what Meals On Wheels is serving today.... totally makes sense! Do you sense my sarcasm??

It can't exactly be a revenue factor! If you subscribe to the paper you get the online subsciption for free.....and how many people are signing up for a subscrition soley to use the online version....Um, None?! You can even purchase just the online subscription....for damn near the same price as the real version.

They need to learn how to better utilize their advertising...and like other online papers I've read, have additional sections to draw readers in. But to pay for the service...that's just not right!

It's days like this that I wonder if I'm insane or just really really logical.....maybe a little of both!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I just got back from another therapy appointment, and like all of my sessions I feel great afterwards.Today's session was extremely good in that we discussed my progression in dealing with my anger issues....and noticing my anxiety issues before they take over.Having someone notice my progression has allowed me to validate it too. Though I had a bad day the other day, I felt it coming on and knew that I needed to do something to not allow it to consume me.As far as therapy sessions, I had always invisioned that they would be entirely of me crying my eyes out....and this hasn't been the case!! I seriously have cried ONCE....and it was mainly to do with talking about emotional things when I wasn't feeling well. I'm a cry baby when I don't feel good! I never imagined that I would feel good after a session...I always thought they'd make me confront the people that were causing me the anquish, therefore causing a family nightmare....and then more stress.Instead I'm learning how to listen to myself, and slow down and take control of the situations that normally cause me anxiety.I'm far from OKAY, but today I really feel as though I'm on my way to a healthier mental life.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Back in August I started a post called "Anxiety" and after receiving a nice comment from Chameleon I decided that I should add to it.

I've never thought of it until today, but a chameleon is exactly what I am in respects to my anxiety and depression. I go about my days trying to blend in as normal...and hoping that no one knows the truth! I'm a fake....that's how I feel on most days. I'm constantly waiting for someone to shout it from the roof tops so I would be forced to face all the people that I've lied to!

Today I'm actually having a bad day. I can't focus and everything is driving me crazy. Over the years I've learned to read the symptoms, but by the time I notice them it's too late...I'm already a mess. Today make lack of focus is truly to blame on my tornado-like desk. I look from one unfinished project to the next, and my blood starts racing. I seriously feel like a sinking ship.Each time I feel like I'm making progress a new project is thrown my way.

So why and I blogging when I should be working...because I'm inches from dropping it all and going home for the day. I'm on the fence between screaming and crying...and I'd like to avoid both....so I'm taking a breather.

Days like this pyschically wear on me. I have to fight all day not to snap at people, and then on top of that attempt to focus on something to look busy.

Right now all I want to do is lay down on a bed...hell, the backseat of my car...and take a nap. Sleep away the frustration.

I just took a double dose of my anxiety medication, but we'll have to see if that'll do it.

Everything is getting to me!!! My feet are catching on the wires under my desk....papers are falling off my desk....or simply I can't find something! My mind races a million miles a second and I just want to through it all up in the hair and disappear.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

In a week of horrible school shootings all over the country, it has now hit close to home. Fortunately all matters were dealt with correctly and at this time there is a sigh of relief...however things will never be the same again.

Just this afternoon my mom called to inform me that my youngest brother, Matt, was threatened yesterday and then later found to be on a hit list. While at football practice a boy that Matt has had problems with since 3rd grade (they are now in 7th) freaked out on him and said "YOU and YOU (while pointing at him and another kid) will be dead tomorrow...I'll see to it." After further investigation by the proper authorities, a hit list was found.

My hometown maybe has a population 4,000 people...so people feel as though they are immuned to the violence of city life. They are so wrong.

A few years after I graduated from high school there was actually a shooting at the school. This was before Columbine and Jonesborogh by a few months. A boy that was pissed off at the world had made comment that he'd come in and "shoot the place up." When he didn't show for school the next day, and his parents hadn't called him in sick, the school went on lock-down. Eventually the kid showed up with a sawed-off shotgun ready to kill. The kid was finally pinned into a bathroom where the janitor locked him in, and the cops were brought in.By pure luck, grace, or chance the cop is here to talk about it. As he entered the bathroom and swung open the stall door the kid shot him in the head. All the police officer got was a graze wound, though he was less than 3 feet away from the kid. (this kid went to prision at 16 and will be released next month at the age of 25...gee, will he re-offend? He's never lived on the outside as an adult!)

So with that... when my mom called to tell me what was going on, my heart sank. My baby brother!!

To explain Matt from my perspective I'm sure is far off from what the kids at school see. I'm almost certain that if I were in his class I would have not been in his group of friends. He's very popular and a great athlete. To top it off he's a fantastic student. I was a good student, friends with most everyone, and played sports (but wouldn't consider myself as a great athlete)

My version of Matt is that he's Mr. Macho with a heart of gold. He's a softy but puts up a strong front. He's totally a mama's boy but I think that stems from him being so young when my mom was sick with cancer.

Matt is my daughter's favorite person in the entire world! Since day one he has totally gushed all over her. He is the best uncle out of the 4 she has. Jason's brother Tom is rarely around, as is my older brother Dan...Mitch is wonderful with her, but he's just a little older and not as interested. If I needed a babysitter, he'd be there in a second. I have photos of Mitch changing MacKenzy's diaper when she was little....with a nasty brownie in her pants too!

Matt...he's her buddy! They play non-stop when we're visiting! He wrestles with her and he slips her treats when we're not looking.

I can now only hope and pray that the powers at be keep my brother safe and free of harm. Though maybe this kid thinks he's the worst kid ever, I know the real Matt and would put my life on it that he's a fabulous person! He would never intentionally go out of his way to make some else's day miserable. He's told my mom all along about the problems with this kid...its not as if Matt is instigating everything.

I love my Matty-cakes to death and can only hope for the best and be thankful for all of the smart people that may have deverted something awful already.

MacKenzy

It"s All About Me!

I have a three year old daughter husband of five years. We live in a small town just on the outskirts of the Minneapolis Metro Area.
My husband is a full-time Fire Fighter/EMT and works a crazy schedule. I work for a large scale builder in the Operations Department, a volunteer with an ambulance service, and attempt to keep some order in our lives.
Oh, and we have a psychotic black lab named Ozzy...don't get me started.

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Tawk the Talk

What American accent do you have?

Your Result: The Inland North

You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."