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Saturday, May 19, 2012

My Mother's Day...

...was actually very beautiful!

The days leading up to it on the other hand were not. I've been struggling again with focus, concentration, and motivation. Having so many big dates in one week did not help. And this six month thing, it's tough to comprehend.

I guess I had my breakdown the day before Mother's Day. Maybe that's what allowed me to have a peaceful day on Sunday. I don't really remember much of Saturday. I do remember that on the way home from a friend's house Saturday night I could feel myself losing it. And I did when I walked in the door. Breakdown time. Mike held me and I remember saying over and over again "I don't want it to be Mother's Day!" It just didn't seem right that Mother's Day was coming even though my baby isn't here. I didn't think I would want to get up and go hiking the next day like we planned. I was up way too late because I was afraid to go to sleep. When I feel that way I have to stay up until exhaustion.

We slept longer and left later on Sunday than we intended, but that's okay. Somehow we still went. I felt a little bit of that "I don't want to go, I just want to stay in bed all day" thing, but I set it aside. I decided there are so many other days that focus on the fact Marcellus is gone. I wanted Mother's Day to be just about being his mommy. I wanted to celebrate this special role I have. This special connection to him.

Mike, the dog, and I got in the car and we headed to Hanging Rock. It's about 2 1/2 hours from here. The entire way we listed to our Marcellus CDs and just talked. I'm not even sure about what. When we got to hanging rock it was busy. I was so worried it was going to be like that the entire time. There were a bunch of dogs and Perk was pretty anxious (he's a rescue and has some doggy anxieties).

We soon realized that most of the people that were there were just going up to Hanging Rock itself and back and not the other trails. We, however, were there to hike for the day. And we did. We hiked a total of 8.7 miles. It was beautiful, it was quiet, it was peaceful.

Perk was a great mountain dog.

Pretty flowers!

Mommy and Marcellus at Hanging Rock for Mother's Day 2012

There were many places to overlook the beauty. There was one stretch of the trail that was full of lovely flowers that arched overhead and made me think of the Secret Garden. Perk was having a great time. I just felt so close to Marcellus that day. I could feel his love. I literally could feel his love warming my heart and giving me the peaceful Mother's Day I wanted. I could picture him with us. I could picture us carrying in a carrier. But mostly I could see him at about 3-4 years old. I could see him running along the trail. I pictured him very rambunctious and all over the place. Full of energy, full of life. I pictured him happy and us just content with life.

That was the scenario that played in my head, but our reality is much different. Instead of taking Mother's Day pictures with my baby boy, we included his picture in some of our pictures. Our way of showing the world that yes, he is still with us. He was there on that hike with us.

After hiking the quiet trails, we did go up to Hanging Rock. It was also beautiful, but I enjoyed the peacefulness we encountered on the less traveled trails better. Then while we were enjoying our yummy picnic Mike prepared it started to sprinkle. I was a little bummed because we had yet to go to the waterfall we wanted to. We decided to go anyway. We had ponchos with us and the dog would just have to deal. We drove to the trail that went to the waterfall and it was raining pretty steadily when we got there (so no pictures). We put our ponchos on and headed to the waterfall. When we got there, there was a couple with a dog that must have been there when the rain started. They were trying to stay dry under a rock outcropping. They decided to take off shortly after we got there.

Once again, we were at a waterfall that is usually very busy, by ourselves. It was amazing being there in the rain. Just my husband and I, our dog, and the presence of our son. I think part of what makes me feel so close to Marcellus when hiking and out in nature like that is the wonder of such a place. To be in God's creation like that. It makes me realize how big the world is in comparison to us, how short our time here really is. I think about how long that waterfall has been there and how long it will continue to be there. Compared to that waterfall, my lifetime is nothing. And compared to that waterfall, eternity with Marcellus will be even more beautiful and serene.

It will continue to be a tough wait until the time comes when God calls me home. But it will be worth the wait. It will be worth the wait to get to spend forever with God and my son in a place that is so much more beautiful and peaceful than that waterfall. More beautiful than our human minds can even comprehend. And when I think about that's what my sweet baby boy is experiencing, how can I be sad for him? My mother heart will always long for him, will always wish he was here, will always being missing a piece. The piece he took with him to Heaven. But my mother heart will never have to worry about him. My mother heart will anticipate the day we are together again.

Another thing that helped me have a good Mother's Day was the acknowledgement as a mom I got from so many. That was important to me and I feel so lucky that so many people recognized that. I got lovely facebook messages and text messages throughout the day and a handful of cards and gifts. I hope you all know how much that really means to me, how much that shows your love and support for not only me, but Marcellus as well. Every message was greatly appreciated and helped me feel celebrated as a mom that day. Every time I read "Happy Mother's Day" my heart smiled at the thought that yes, I am the one and only Marcellus's mommy. So a big thank you to everyone that thought of, messaged, gave, and sent me something for Mother's Day!

All my awesome Mother's Day cards! See the blue one in the front? That's my very special card from Marcellus. The pictures on the right is the little homemade package my mom wrapped up my gift in. The first thing I saw when I opened the envelope she shipped it in was "Grandma loves Marcellus", it made me smile.

A butterfly candle holder a friend got me. It has a butterfly on the other side too. She said it made her think of both my babies, a butterfly for each.

You probably can't see it very well, but hanging on the left is a charm bracelet a fellow loss mom sent me with the card exchange we did. In the center is a mother/child necklace my mom got me.

Gorgeous orchids from a friend. On the orchid is the necklace Mike got me. It is the mother/child charm surrounded by angel wings in the shape of a heart. He remembered I had said I wanted something with angel wings and I love it!

Marcellus, thanks for helping Momma have a good Mother's Day. I was surprised that it wasn't as hard of a day that as I thought it would be, that it was a peaceful day. I definitely could feel your love sweet boy. Thank you for giving Mommy extra love on such a day. I felt so connected to you. I hope you enjoyed the hike and all the pretty scenery. I wish more than anything that you were here to have spent Mother's Day in my arms. That I could have actually mothered you on Mother's Day (and every day). But given that you're gone, somehow it was the best Mother's Day I could have asked for. As hard as it is that you are not here, it does not change the fact that I am your mother. I will always find ways to celebrate being your mommy.I love you right up to the moon and back my little mister! xoxox

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About Me

My motherhood journey has been one of many twists and turns, ups and downs. I placed my first child, my daughter, for adoption in Oct 2002. My son, Marcellus was born exactly 9 years later (Oct 2011). He was born premature and passed away at 12 days old due to the evil known as NEC. My rainbow baby boy, Ethan, was also born premature in Dec 2012 and we were so very blessed to bring him home in Feb 2013. I lost a second baby in Jan 2015 to an early miscarriage at about 5.5-6 weeks gestation. We named that baby Lark. In Nov 2015 I gave birth to another rainbow baby boy, Weston, at almost 37 weeks gestation. He was born perfectly healthy and came home from the hospital with us. My living children bring me so much hope and joy, but they will never replace Marcellus or Lark.
I will forever be Marcellus's Mommy.