The Worst Waffles Ever (and some tips for better waffles)

You must have noticed by now that food bloggers only post their most successful recipes. And you might have even wondered what goes on in our kitchens when we are trying to make up new recipes. Are we flawless? Does everything we make turn out perfectly? So I thought, at my own peril, I would share with you a recent disaster. Yes folks, I am indeed going to teach you how NOT to make waffles. It’s a shame I was too mad to take a photo. It was spectacularly pathetic.

When I was knee-high to a grasshopper, I would ask my daddy to make me Eggo toaster waffles. “Daddy” I’d cajole, batting my large brown puppy-dog eyes, “I want waffles!” “You want awfuls?” He’d say, confounded, “why would you want awfuls?” “NO! I want WAFFLES!” I’d shriek. “Awfuls? That sounds terrible. Why would you want something awful?” And round and round we’d go, until he’d finally give in and make me waffles.

A few days ago, there was a sale in our local markt, and I thought I would purchase a combo foreman/sammie/waffle grill, since I have never owned a waffle iron. Now, I have been doing crazy things to pancakes for years, with mostly excellent results. After all, how hard could making waffles be? I mean, they’re basically fluffy pancakes right? But I was so wrong. I didn’t make waffles. Oh no, I made awfuls. This one’s for you, dad.

THE WORST WAFFLES EVER

½ cup buttermilk

¾ cup milk

½ cup cherry yogurt (I mean seriously WTF?)

2 eggs (eventually 3)

a shitload of salt because the annoying pourer broke (which reminded me of the recent salt factory disaster in the news)

Basically, I put a plethora of bizarre shit into these waffles, and predictably they turned out like moist, flaccid pieces of sponge. No matter how long I left them in the damn waffle iron, they would not get any less flaccid. Frustrated, I threw the first one out, and made another limp, chewy sponge. I tasted it, and it was a salty mess, so I added sugar and another egg and made pancakes instead. Spongy, flaccid, limp pancakes. I mean, Jesus Henrietta Christ, how can you fuck up a pancake? The flavor wasn’t the worst, in my defense, but it was the texture that was unforgivable.

Mr. S and I sat and awkwardly chewed these abominations since we happened to be starving, and he suggested I blog about this experience. He thought y’all might appreciate my honesty, or at least have fun laughing at my abject failure. He said I should suggest the BeeGees Mining Disaster of 1941 song. We finally agreed on the Bob Geldof song above, because “I don’t care at all” is a pretty accurate description of how I was feeling by the time I was done with this awful concoction.

Later, I googled tips for non-flaccid waffle making, and found some interesting ideas for next time. Here are the most helpful tips from around the web on how TO make waffles:

*First off, use a recipe. Duh. Your waffle iron probably even comes with a recipe in the manual, you just have to…um…read it. I know mine did. You can always experiment after you’ve mastered or at least managed to make decent waffles.

*Secondly, use veggie oil instead of melted butter, and a helluva lot less of it, like maybe 4-6 tbs of it. It makes it less soggy and a little crisper.

*Thirdly, cornstarch can apparently make your waffles super crisp. I love cornstarch, I think it is amazing, so I will use this tip next time for sure.

*Fourthly, separate your egg whites and beat them, then fold them into the batter last minute to get fluffy, high waffles. You can even add the sugar to the egg whites instead of the batter, which makes it a little softer.

*Fifthly, make sure your iron is turned on like 10-15 minutes in advance. If it isn’t super hot, your waffles will be flat.

My conclusion is that waffles take effort to cook, not to mention expertise. Which is probably why people don’t make waffles that often; they’re a total pain in the ass. However, next time I make waffles, I will try these tips and hopefully have a great recipe for ya’ll to try! I have to make a good recipe soon, in order to make sure that it was my recipe that was a failure, and not the waffle iron itself, or I will have to return it. In the meantime, you might wanna try making my gorgeous, perfect banana bread. It is tried and true. Promise!