A lot of women complain about having big boobs. And there is a lot to be said for that. After I graduated from high school I immersed myself in photography. One of the hardest things to do was position that 35mm SLR with boobs in the way. It wasn’t easy, man. You had to kind of maneuver your arms so you could hold the camera at the right angle and take the shot. And once you got in that position you had to keep it for a short while. Like the time I was shooting at a concert back in 1978 and two hands came around from behind and clamped on to my boobs. Excuse me, they are my boobs, thank you very much.

There are women who experience some serious physical pain from being well endowed. The weight of some of these bad girls can pull your shoulders forward and cause intense pain, back and muscular problems. Many women undergo the pain of breast reduction for that alone. And it’s a pain in the ass when you’re trying to buy a blouse and you might have to go up another size just to accommodate Wilma and Betty.

Some women don’t have enough, so they get implants. I remain fascinated with a dominatrix that was interviewed on the Howard Stern Show some years back (yes, I listen to Howard regularly. Surely you can’t be surprised.) Anyhow, she was a fascinating woman with a pretty interesting profession. She was a very slight and petite woman and she had tits the size of large basketballs. Indeed. she was unable to keep her arms flat at her sides because of the extreme boobage. She recognized that not all women would want this and even think that she was insane; but she liked the exaggerated appearance of her breasts and was very content with them. (I could have listened to her talk all day.)

Women are excluded from this kind of business luxury.

I don’t have too many complaints about being well endowed. Indeed, the cleavage is my go-to storage locker. One of the things that has always put my pantyhose in a bunch is the lack of an interior pocket in women’s suit jackets. So with the lack of pockets I’ve used my natural pocket for pagers and phones. Worked like a charm. It doesn’t always look professional to reach in and pull a smartphone out from between your knockers, so I actually wear a tiny purse now to carry my Blackberry around while I’m at the office. (Of course there’s an entire genre of alarm on the web about cell phones causing tumors in breasts and brains.)

I did a web search for uses for breasts and, no surprise, I found a lot of chicken recipes. I was a little disappointed by the real absence of any documented boob ingenuity. Okay, not counting old burlesque films.

Porn films (so I’m told) are fraught with uses for boobs. Well, I do recall one that I watched as a teenager with my girlfriends: Dangerous Weapons. The woman–a well endowed boob maw (as opposed to a gun maw)–would kill her enemies with her boobs. She’d slam those babies on the guy’s face and he’d be done in! Smothered to death!

But even then, where is the practicality in that? It’s not like you can thwart a burglar with a talent like that. And you couldn’t do it without accomplices, because the victim would have to be held down while the evil mammaries did ‘im in.

It took some dogged determination, but I did find a woman with a remarkable talent: she can smash a watermelon open with her ginormous boobs. You might think that this would be a useless talent. But how many times have you gone camping and some dumb ass forgot to bring the can opener for the food. With this talent you could bring melons, forget your knife, and still be fed. I don’t think anyone reading should try this. Leave this work to the professionals.

Vladimir Putin can wrestle a bear. But he can’t open a watermelon with his boobs. So take that, Vlad.