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Yeah, Um.

June 12, 2011, 11:04 PM ET

Yeah, Um.

Jay Mohr is starting to think Teresa and Joe's feud is just plain sad. Also, he wouldn't mind sharing a jail cell with Joe Gorga.

By
Jay Mohr

Writing the blog this week was a like going through a divorce. Everything seems easy enough until you realize kids are involved. Thankfully, Bravo opened the show with our bright, shining superstar, Joe Gorga for the second week in a row. Joe is laying in bed and announces to his kids, “Daddy worked hard today!” Where, at the hat shop? At a Hooked on Phonics symposium? N.A.S.A.? You got to give a guy like Joe Gorga credit. When he works, he works hard, and he has always had an incredible work ethnic. From the other room we hear an odd noise. For a second I thought maybe it was a neighbor’s cat having sex with a garbage truck, but as it turns out it’s Melissa singing. If only she could have just hung the song up there in the closet and forgotten about it. Joe Gorga gets out of bed-to listen more closely. Holy smokes this guy is in incredible shape! You know a guy has a great body when you can see his triceps and lats through his shirt. I’m not gay, but if I ever had to go to prison, I wouldn’t mind sharing a jail cell with Joe Gorga. I would make sure his laundry was perfect, and I would always, always put a nice crease in his jumpsuit.

Melissa is singing “Amazing Grace,” but instead of singing "a wretch like me” she croons “...A WENCH like me.” Oh snap! Amazing Grace RE-MIX!!!!!!!!! Someone get Timbaland on the phone immediately. We’re gonna rewrite all the standards and make them dance floor hits. “Snappy Birthday” will be the B-side to “Slow, Slow, Slow Your Boat.” Damn we are all gonna get rich, rich, RICH! Maybe Jo de la Rosa can sing back-up on a few of Melissa’s future fake songs (too soon?)

Caroline and Albert are out on a brisk day playing golf. Actually, Al Sr. is playing golf and Caroline is standing in the cold watching him play golf. Albie and Christopher better get home quick. Mom is cracking up. If there is one thing worse than playing golf, maybe the only thing worse than playing golf, it’s watching someone play golf. That’s just following someone around and listening to them curse for three hours. (Or as we called it when I was growing up, shopping at Willow Brook Mall). The empty nest syndrome has really hit Caroline harder than I thought it would. Since both boys are in their mid-twenties I would have thought Caroline would have been a little more prepared for their departure. Also, they’re moving to Hoboken. They’ll be back in about a month anyway. No one really lives in Hoboken. Hoboken is a place you stay in until you have enough money to move to Manhattan. Which brings me to Ashley.In this week’s episode, we see “Miss Personality” in Jaqueline’s kitchen and on her head she is wearing a potholder. Maybe it’s an oven mitt. Regardless, it’s ridiculous and shouldn’t be on someone’s head who is in the process of trying to prove they are not a mouth breather. In a stunning turn of events, Chris is sitting with Ashley and her macramé hat in the kitchen. He then goes on to explain to a rightfully perplexed Jacqueline that he is going to take Ashley out to look at a new car. Huh?!?! There’s your lesson for the day, young ladies. Clean the kitchen, walk the dog, and put a sock puppet on your head and you too can win A NEW CAR! Chris always seemed like the smart one in this house, so I can only assume that he is going to give Ashley the keys and tell her to get on the Garden State Parkway North and just keep going. This time next year Ashley will be married to someone and be starring in The Real Housewives of Toronto.

We see a clip of the last time Chris bought Ashley a new car, then we see a clip of a reunion show where Jacqueline is explaining to Andy that Ashley had her car taken away because of her behavior. So then this is her second car. Great, she deserves it. From what I can see, Ashley has totally changed the way she acts. She puts her underwear on first, she hasn’t drowned while it’s raining, and she finally figured out socks (string a bunch of them together and wear them on your head). As Jaqueline tries to explain to Chris that she should be consulted on such matters, Ashley just sits there at the table trying to keep her eyes open and her head off the counter. Maybe Ashley thinks she’s Meadow Soprano. Wait, Meadow Soprano went away to college. Nevermind.

At Teresa’s house, Joe is sleeping and Teresa is trying to wake him up by poking him with a stick. G to the ia is practicing her gymnastics in the hallway and she looks like she is pretty damn good. We move inside Teresa and Joe’s bedroom, which it turns out is as large as a Walgreens, and I can’t help but notice there are three cribs. One baby and three cribs. Who uses the other two? I would pay thousands of dollars to be able to watch Joe Giudice crawl into one of the cribs with a jar of honey when he thought no one was looking. Joe Gorga calls Teresa and leaves a message that he would like to go to Gia’s gymnastics event. This news makes Teresa and Gia cry with happiness. Joe Giudice takes a big bite out of the headboard and goes back to sleep.Over at Kathy and Richie’s house, they have put the S&M gear away long enough to have a family meeting. The two of them are to be commended for this by the way. Both kids have to go up to their rooms and re-write their family contract that says they wont take drugs or alcohol. Victoria goes first reading hers aloud and she seems like a terrific kid. Li'l Richie goes next and stops halfway through the first paragraph to explain to his parents that he is probably going to be drinking on a Friday night his senior or junior year. He says he doesn’t want people to act like a “Goodie Two Shoe” Psst. Li'l RIchie. SHOES. Goodie Two Shoes. The word TWO comes right before the word SHOES. Two Shoe would be impossible. Kathy almost has a heart attack, but Big Richie quickly steps in and saves the moment. He tells the kids, “If you want to experiment with alcohol, have a drink with me.” Pretty cool, Big Richie. If you were my father I would have “experimented” all day everyday and would have been in rehab before I got my driver's license.

Meanwhile, somewhere across town, Melissa and her sisters are shopping for couture clothing at a strip mall. In this segment, Melissa drops the bombshell to her sisters that she is going to pursue a career in music. We also learn that Melissa isn’t wearing underwear. I am much more excited by the music career news. I cannot wait for her make-believe album to drop. We will finally have the third piece to the Housewives music puzzle. “Money Can't Buy You Class”, “Tardy For the Party” and now finally, “A Wench Like Me” RE—MIX!!! I’m not sure how a music career will work out for Melissa because she seems to have the rhythm of a furnace. Melissa is asked by the strip mall clothing store owner, “Do you write your own music?” Duh! Of course she does. “A wench like me?” Lyrics like that don’t just fall off trees and into walk in closets. Melissa explains that she knows a songwriter and she just keeps texting and texting and texting him song lyrics when she thinks of them. I’m pretty sure that’s how Lennon and McCartney did it. Fats Waller wrote most of his big hits by texting people as well. Melissa then says to her sisters, “You’re too old to be my back-up dancers. Truer words have yet to be spoken this season.

Back at the Giudice home, G to the ia is on the phone with her Uncle Joe Gorga, and it seems to make her very happy. They’re probably talking about hats. When she gets off the phone, Teresa starts putting on make-up like she’s angry at her face. It’s at moments like this that a viewer like me really wants Teresa and her brother to make up. The smile on Gia’s face is incredibly beautiful. Regardless of what the adults are working through, she obviously loves her Uncle Joey very, very much.

The next scene takes place on the go. Jaqueline and Ashley are in the back seat of Chris’ truck on their way to the new car dealership. Ashley dressed up for her new car judging by the new pot holder on her head. Jaqueline says, “You better make the payments and not make it my responsibility!” Ashley replies, “I wont.” Un-truer words have ever been spoken this season. I’m starting to think that Chris is a genius. He has figured out that new cars are like pacifiers to 19-year-olds. If you buy them one they stop crying and hopefully drive away until they’re 42.

Smash cut back to Melissa’s house and her songwriter arrives. He is a handsome young guy named Antony and he is only 22 years old. I guess writing songs that no one will ever hear is a young man’s game. As Antony walks Melissa through a song he has written for her by cobbling together a few hundred of her texts, Melissa asks, “Do you really think I can hit that note?” Melissa, you couldn’t hit that note with a Range Rover. She tries to hit it and exclaims, “I feel like I’m gonna die!” So do we! Open a tanning salon or something. Why does every one in show business automatically assume they can have a music career?At Gia’s gymnastics event, it’s obvious that Joe Gorga is going to be late and miss all the good stuff. Gia is really good and looks like she really loves gymnastics. It’s a weird scene because all of the little girls are dressed like Data from Star Trek. Gia is visibly nervous about whether or not her Uncle Joey will show up. In the uneven parralel bars, Gia does amazing and sticks the landing to a score of 800! (Is 800 good? I have no idea, I just like Gia.) Finally, after all the gymnastics have been gymnasticated. Joe Gorga and Melissa show up. I understand the concept of being “fashionably” late, but these two were “miss the entire thing” late. Joe Gorga and Teresa make nice, which for them is very nice and even Joe Giudice is civil. I actually didn’t think the meeting of Joe Gorga and Teresa was uncomfortable even considering their lateness. What I found excruciatingly uncomfortable was Melissa acting so freaking angry the whole time. Why was Melissa pissed? Damn girl, you just got a 20-year-old Italian kid to come to your home and write you pop songs. Celebrate. Melissa can barely walk into the gym from the weight of her own attitude. This really surprised me because in the last episode it really looked like Melissa was going to be the peacemaker between Teresa and Joe. Maybe Melissa is angry because she is once again wearing the hat she got from the set of Blossom. In her interview, Melissa says, “I feel empty inside.” Well, I suppose you are. These children all love each other and this petty feud is starting to bum me out! Watching Gia and Antonia hug and play and laugh is perfect and genuine and real. Then we cut away to the adults and Melissa is angry for no reason at all (it seems). Hey, memo to Melissa…YOU were late. The entire gym is filled with people that got there on time. YOU need to seriously take a moment and realize that Joey IS talking to Teresa. They ARE getting along. Joe Giudice is on his best behavior. Oh, wait a minute… you did realize that. That’s why you are so angry. Everyone is starting to get along and that infuriates you. If the family gets along, you might get pushed to the back of the line. You CANNOT let that happen can you? No, and you won't. I am slowly starting to think that Melissa is a boring Danielle. At least Danielle really thought that people in white coats were coming to take her away. Danielle hung around with great, fun guys like Danny. Danielle had a criminal record. Melissa is beginning to give us all of the psychological mind games with out any of the fun that should come along with them. Joe Gorga and his sister Teresa have finally made a great deal of inroads with their feud. It’s nice to see. You can tell that the two of them really love each other. Melissa immediately goes home and sits Joe down and explains to him in some strange, Danielle-like way that she is being disrespected by his family. Then poor Joe Gorga, who was so close to mending his and Teresa’s fence completely changes his mind and tells Melissa that his family needs to love her more or they are out. This was a difficult scene to watch. Not as difficult as watching Melissa sing but difficult none the less. Watching Melissa manipulate Joe was like watching Bugs Bunny outsmart that big red monster that wore Converse sneakers. It was just too easy and too sad.

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