5 Unexpected Scenes in the 50 Shades Freed Movie

5 Unexpected Scenes in the 50 Shades Freed Movie

Like most sensible people on this good earth, we haven’t read the third installment of the 50 Shades series. No one has. So here are 5 scenes from the book we didn’t read that will DEFINITELY be in the movie we won’t watch.

Don’t judge us, you didn’t read it either. Laters, baby.

1. Anastasia finally…

…publishes a book (she’s a writer, remember?), earning her the respect that she deserves, above and beyond her capacity to ingest Christian’s penis. The book is called ‘Christian’s Penis, Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Christian’s Penis.’ It’s ironic.

2.Christian learns…

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…that Ana slipped a non-disclosure clause into his contract, immediately disempowering him in the eyes of the law. Fuck you Christian, how you gonna act now?

3. They bang in a shower…

…and discover what everyone had already known since before the shower was even invented: that shower sex is hot in theory, but awful in practice. Am I right? Am I right guys? You don’t need to tell me I’m right. It’s rubbish and no one will admit it. Shower sex is a conspiracy. Showers are for before sex and after it, and nothing in between.

4.Anastasia says…

…she would prefer a Volvo to an Audi because of Volvo’s superior safety record and five-star NCAP rating, and because Edward in Twilight had one, forcing Audi to remove its funding for the movie, causing it to cut to black at 45 minutes in. No YOU’RE a long sentence.

5.Christian finally…

…does some online research about BDSM and discovers the concept of ‘topping from the bottom’, has an emotional crisis regarding his own sense of dominance, renounces sex entirely because of his shattered perception of masculinity, goes to live in a monastery, where all he does is brag about all the ‘pussayy’ he used to get, until the other monks beat him to death with his own birch.