Two days ago my soon to be 18-year-old-son came to me and inquired … “mom, why are you soo focused on porn,?” as he has heard me so often speak of the good, the bad and the ugly as well as our culture’s preoccupation with digital sex, my obsession with oculus rift notwithstanding. Most of this has been recent. The next day during his capstone class, he was surprised (or not so) to receive from me a pic of the days snail mail cover of Time entitled “PORN, … and the threat to virility.”

Does he wonder if I partake? Perhaps. Well, I do on an almost regular basis lately—in my office.

As addictions go, this one can be fast and furious. Porn is rampant—it is anonymous, affordable (free in most instances) and, most pertinent, accessible.

For a while now, I have seen arrive in my office a cluster of men, young adult men, whose sexual functioning is limited. That is, their penises aren’t working at least not the way in which they want them to when they are with real people. And while young adult men may present for treatment with difficulty in the bedroom due to social anxiety, drugs, Asperger’s and other issues of intimacy, the numbers are increasing and porn is often the culprit.

The inability to get or maintain an erection with a real person is showing up in the office of sex therapists. PIED—Porn-induced erectile disorder—as it has recently been labeled, has become another behavioral addiction or process addiction. It is showing up in mine.

Technology is often blamed these days for rewiring our brain and interfering with our connections. Now it seems that our obsession with digital media is affecting our performance in the bedroom. And while this problem has been reported for a while now, the numbers appear to be growing.

By definition, an addiction involves two components—tolerance and withdrawal. Tolerance refers to the notion that we need increasing amounts of the substance to achieve the same effect. Withdrawal means that with the removal of the substance we have some sort of debilitating symptomology until we get back to baseline. Both involve physiological dependence. Habituation—novelty, surprise, and anxiety, elevates the brain’s dopamine—and our basic pleasure and reward pathways can be accessed anywhere, anyway at any time. The process has been equated to the use of drugs such as cocaine. Porn is a fantasy drug and the movement from one screen to another is the dangerous part because it heightens the ability for intense stimulation and for the difficult to reverse conditioning. It’s not what happens in real bedrooms with real people.

Before these boys have a real chance at intimacy they are online and some of them have become hardwired to function inadequately.

As addictions go, this one can be fast and furious. Porn is rampant—it is anonymous, affordable (free in most instances) and, most pertinent, accessible. Belinda Luscombe, author of the Time’s article, noted two statistics on first exposure to porn; she said that two separate studies found the average age to be 12 and 13.

We have seen growing numbers within the population as well as those who have begun anti-porn movements. Gary Wilson’s, anatomy and physiology teacher, (yourbrainonporn.com) Ted-X Talk in 2012 entitled The Great Porn Experiment today has over six million views. His thesis—porn effects the neuropathways, creates isolation and, as the Time piece highlights, compromises the “virility of young men.” Gabe Deem, 28, is the founder of Reboot Nation. Having become addicted to internet porn at a young age he teaches men how to reboot their brains. He is clearly aware of the need for speed and cites having felt like a zombie when he went cold turkey, something which is critical in order to reverse the behavior and all of the physiological sequale, (a condition that is the consequence of a previous disease that accompanies it.) While the process may be evident (we have no research as of yet) young men will need help in walking through it as well as the associated shame and inadequacy.

Porn addiction is not sex addiction for these boys and while certain groups mentioned earlier may be at greater risk the recovery may be easier for some. There is suspicion and anecdotal evidence that recovery for older men is more rapid than for these men in part because they know what a sexual relationship with a real person looks and feels like. They can often get back to baseline faster because they have one.

Before these boys have a real chance at intimacy they are online and some of them have become hardwired to function inadequately. This scenario doesn’t give them the opportunity to know if they are even capable of having a close connected relationship which not so often happens at the first sexual encounter anyway. Failure, rejection, and awkwardness as well as much more abounds in these first experiences where the experience is a negative one. They need to learn how to have sex without fantasy and to be more in tune with their partner. They need to learn how to have a healthy relationship with their bodies and sex, not so, pornography. Sex will often involve some fantasy; porn is a fantasy drug and despite the current move into mindfulness they are clearly still somewhere else.

In the April 23 Vanity Fair tribute, Prince is quoted as saying “”I think there was some sort of plan to initiate me heavy and quick. I was given Playboy magazine, and there was erotic literature laying around. It was very easily picked up. It was pretty heavy at the time. I think it really affected my sexuality a great deal.”

Who knows exactly what my son was doing at that moment when I sent him that cover in the middle of a school day. We know that millennials are wired 24/7; log-on equates to turned on. While the girls might have been on Instagram, he was likely checking his fantasy status (football that is) or sending a Snapchat. I’m hoping at least that neither he, nor any of his classmates, were watching porn.

About Dr. Barbara Winter

I'm a licensed Psychologist, Sexologist and Certified Sex Addiction therapist as well as being certified in Eye-Movement Desensitization Re-Processing (EMDR) and trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.I am in full-time private practice for over 25 years Boca Raton where I work with teens and adults as a sex and relationship expert. I specialize in working with sexual issues, behavioral addictions, infidelity, trauma, divorce and co-parent counseling and couples therapy.

You can visit my WEBSITE at www.drbarbarawinter.com for more information about me and my practice, on Facebook, Twitter, and on LinkedIn posting resources and support that can help others with their relationships, in and out of the bedroom.

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..but smut IS hijacking a lot of women’s views on penis size.Yet all you ever hear is how horrible men are for comparing their wives/gfs to porno actresses..we constantly hear about how we judge women on looks,breast size and everything else but when a dude complains about how many women judge/berate and slander him on his size’,height or income were told it doesn’t happen by women and are told to get over it and then a woman throws up links to studies that apparently show most women don’t think its an issue yet us in the real world have encountered… Read more »

What I find more interesting about the subject of “pornography”, is how one chooses to define it. The plethora of articles and books about porn hardly ever try to clarify what it is really is. The reason why? — because term is an abstraction and means different things to different people (the word “erotica” carries exactly the same confusion). Recently, I had a discussion with my 19 year old son about how to define what porn actually is and found out that I’m just as confused as he is on the subject. I’d like for you all to participate in… Read more »

Hi Ed
As you well know http://www.omgyes.com is a website for sex education for women. And it is not free.
The way I see, it is it not porn , and I was NOT aroused when I watched it!
If men watch it then maybe they do get aroused ,who knows.
So maybe a way to define porn has to with its intentions?
When I was a child ,porn was defined as genitals in motion….some thing like that.

Hi KIM — what you are saying is very interesting. You seem to be implying that “porn” is something that you pay for or that arouses you. If it doesn’t arouse you then it is not porn. My son watched the OMGYes videos and and agrees with you that it is not porn — but he couldn’t explain why. Our family (my wife, son and I) are involved with several Christian faith communities and groups. I’d venture to say that most or all of them would consider the OMGYes videos to be pornography because it is sexually explicit and could… Read more »

NO Ed I do not define porn as something we pay for or as something that arouses us, but think of porn as something meant to arouse and “satisfy” and most often today at least also meant to generate money for those that produce it . This is a big industry . I agree with you that we need to come up with a new word, a totally new concept or several . And I am not happy about this development. All over the world people have access to the internet with smart phones and in rich countries most kids… Read more »

Maybe part of the answer is that instead of calling all explicit sexual media “porn”, we can differentiate it between media that legitimately educates and informs and contrast it with media that capitalizes on cheap and tawdry titillation. For instance, the OMGYes website and the Sinclair Better Sex series tries to educate women and men how be to be more intelligent, intuitive lovers, even though it can be sexually explicit. It is aiming for a goal: greater sexual satisfaction for women. Most of the stereotypical commercial porn out there focuses on male sexual pleasure to the degree of ridiculousness. It… Read more »

Ed your suggestions is a good start but imagine you are a scientist. They put lot of work into creating new concepts and words. It is best that you create two totally new words.
You are on the right track.

The words should be good enough to be the title of a new book…..
“Hijacking sexlife…..” is a super expression!
What you ask for is needed!
I myself is not good with words or languages.
But maybe we wake up one morning ,and suddenly we know the new words we need to describe the new reality we live in .

I don’t really know how I feel about porn. Personally, I have only seen 2 hardcore porno movies in my life and did not find them arousing at all. I actually don’t really like looking at genitals (male or female), in pictures or even in person. When having sex I like the sensations and the closeness but not the visuals. When men have told me that they think my ladybits are “beautiful” I’m like, “what?” I love and appreciate that part of my body but I think it’s pretty ugly to look at and I can’t imagine why anyone would… Read more »

that’s what we had in my generation too-straight mainstream photos of seductive woman and some men. to be a teenager today you have access to all kinds of images, which, for some may used in a somewhat healthy manner but who knows what a young mind will make of what they see. there are images that are sadistic, cruel and disturbing but nothing there that tells them so. its rather scary. its important for parents to talk about this to their teens in this frame.

“What’s it like looking at my vulva when you’ve seen 1,000’s of other ones? how does that affect your experience of real women who don’t have perfect surgically enhanced bodies and even vulvas that have been surgically altered to look tiny and neat (no gross labia!)” I think about the woman I am with, not the porn. Porn isn’t held onto like a loved one, it’s like seeing some random attractive person on the street but in a more detailed way. In porn I’ve seen all kinds of vulvas, internet porn is more likely to have realistic views of labia… Read more »

Porn addiction is the biggest myth going around, using junk science to try justify it’s existence. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201308/erectile-dysfunction-myth Porn is not a drug, it’s not even remotely similar to a drug any more than doing a pleasurable activity. Having counsellors and others who are in a presumed level of trust, who the public feel should know more about this as an expert to then talk about porn addiction as if it is a real legitimate condition simply fuels the harm that it does. The nocebo effect is especially bad in youth as they are young minds easily led astray. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201509/your-belief-in-porn-addiction-makes-things-worse Most… Read more »

You need to educate yourself more on this issue. The two articles you link two are by David Ley, a clinical psychologist (not an addiction expert) and the most biased researcher around on this issue. He continually cites one EEG study as proof that porn is not addictive, while there are over 20 neurological studies (by top addiction specialists) that show otherwise. Try these links instead for an accurate overview of the science behind porn addiction (and how to recognize propaganda like Ley’s):

To archy – You have cited David Ley, who is the author of the myth of sex addiction, who is extraordinarily biased and carefully omits all research that contradicts his religiously held beliefs. I’ll cite studies and actual experts: RE: PORN ADDICTION. This page lists all the studies assessing the brain structure and functioning of Internet porn users. – http://pornstudycritiques.com/current-list-of-brain-studies-on-porn-users/ – To date every study offers support for the porn addiction model. The results of these 24 studies (and upcoming studies) are consistent with 140+ Internet addiction brain studies, many of which also include internet porn use. All support the… Read more »

“Compared to controls, more frequent porn users had lower brain activation to one-second exposure to photos of vanilla porn. The lead author, Nicole Prause, claims these results debunk porn addiction. However, these findings align perfectly with Kühn & Gallinat (2014), which found that more porn use correlated with less brain activation in response to pictures of vanilla porn. In other words, “porn addicts” were desensitized and needed greater stimulation than non-addicts. Three peer-reviewed papers agree with the YBOP analysis, namely that what Prause actually found is consistent with the effects of addiction in her team’s subjects:” Does porn addiction require… Read more »

ARCH SAYS “Debunk this one now. http://www.skeptic.com/reading_room/skeptical-of-the-porn-skeptics/” ANONY SAYS: The Marty Klein article was debunked by a follow-up by Philip Zimabrdo and Gary Wilson. The link – http://www.skeptic.com/reading_room/guard-your-manhood-response-to-marty-klein/ Marty Klein’s claims were also was also debunked in the comments section under the Klein’s article. ———————- ARCHY SAYS: “Obesity levels, blue light later at night and melatonin disruption, the 24/7 society and stress related have increased dramatically in that same time. Foreign substances acting as hormones in the body have also increased in that time. How does the rise in ED get linked solely to porn? The world is undergoing the… Read more »

Archy
Human beings can get addicted to lots of things like : gambling , going to the gym, shopping , use of the internet social media, drugs, alcohol, food , even falling in love( you can totally hooked).
So why cant we become addicted to the kind of porn we can find on the internet today?

Pornography addiction isn’t in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. There’s also evidence that belief of it being an addiction is actually causing harm. There is a potential addiction but it is not proven without a doubt and needs further research, when it’s added to the DSM then we can safely call it an addiction. It’s more likely a compulsion however. As a potentially addictive material, even the studies seem to suggest that it’s a rare “addiction”. Some people may feel they are addicted to porn but the overwhelming majority do not get addicted, unlike certain drugs where… Read more »

Archy I hear what you are saying. But if you read up on the history about how this bible, the DSM was created in the first place and then about the process today how they agree on what diagnoses will be in there or not,then you will soon loose the respect and stop seeing DSM as more than it really is….. I am not qualified to say if porn can cause an addiction or not. As far as I know certain personalities makes you vulnerable to get addicted . Just like not all soldiers that used heroin during the Vietnam… Read more »

ARCHY SAYS: “Pornography addiction isn’t in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.” ANONY RESPONDS: As for the highly controversial and politicized DSM, it must be remembered that this same organization classified homosexuality as a mental disorder. The DSM doesn’t determine reality, nor is reality up for a vote. It’s quite telling that the head of The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), Tom Insel stated in 2013 that the newly published DSM-5 “lacked validity”. Link to Insel’s article – http://www.nimh.nih.gov/about/director/2013/transforming-diagnosis.shtml Insel stated that “patients deserve better” and that the NIMH would no longer fund research based on the… Read more »

The question is what to do about it. Obviously, if they’re coming in for help , they should be helped. If they have a harmful addiction of course that should be addressed too. I think though that when we talk about the availability of porn as a factor we need to differentiate between the availability of porn for those who are under 18 and those who are adults. We also need to recognize that there is nudity and sexual situations in things that are not porn and there may be things that shouldn’t be considered porn like the bare female… Read more »

I have to say it … if this was written from a Christian perspective, it would be blasted from all directions. I have no doubts that my son looked at porn but it was something that his parents highly discouraged. The outside influences deemed me as too controlling, forcing my values on my kids etc..

Anthony, I’m sure guys shave themselves so that a girl/women finds him attractive. Rather then his being who he is, man have to adapt to accommodate women, to please THEM.

Certainly something that requires study as it is occurring. What I wonder is whether we will go deeper, not just into the psyche of the boys in question, but to the root cause. Is porn addiction stand alone, or a symptom of a much greater problem with our boys, and are we brave enough to investigate that or just settle on the broken male ideal, once again. We’ve abandoned them across the board and they are failing across the board, especially withing the context of sex and relationships. What I hear from them is that women, relationships are not only… Read more »

Also, I’m discovering that girls and young women have incredible, unrealistic expectations from, and desires for men.

Example: Believe it or not, a group of 17 year old guys I overheard recently were lamenting that all the girls they knew were turned off by male body hair, and it was expected that they work hard at body hair removal. Yes, it even has a term now apparently, called “manscaping”.

Anthony I agree. It is a scary development that men can not have their natural body hair, and I in fact find it very attractive. But do young and not so young men today accept women with pubic hair ? Or any kind of body hair? I don’t think so. Does the use of porn has anything to do with it. YES! Maybe they think it is a small job to shave or wax,but I can assure you that for those with healthy fast growing hair , shaving has has to be done twice a day and on the most… Read more »

I agree that porn, images of men and women, become expectations of what a kid would expect. The women who shaves other then their privates are women who we have been always seen that way. It’s a cultural norm. It wasn’t until I got married that I found out how hairy a women’s legs could get. I would discourage my wife from waxing down there … it would creep me out if she did. My wife would kill me if I shaved my body. Heck, it was bad enough when I was shaved for surgeries and grew back … the… Read more »

LOL, my wife wouldn’t laugh and she tried real hard to be okay with it but I’ve had a beard since the day we started dating and have always had a beard. So when she kissed me, she was creeped out because she felt that she was kissing a stranger.

I had lost quite a bit of weight so I went drastic … buzz cut, no bears, I kinda looked like a State Trooper. Personally, I thought I looked sexy but she didn’t. Kept the weight off and have a goatee.

Less hair I find is far sexier simply because the vulva is very sexy, also easier to perform oral sex. If there is to be hair I prefer it above the vulva. I also manscape.

It’s up to the person what they do with their body but I don’t find the hair a turn off unless it’s an absolute jungle (difficult for oral sex). I think you will find most men don’t care as long as they get to have sex though. A preference for shaven/waxed would rarely cause a disgust to any hair.

Archie I remember back when I first started having sex in the mid 1980’s when no one I knew had ever thought about removing their pubic hair… we had oral sex just fine. Believe me, it was not a problem. It all depends on what you are used to!

Archy I understand you argument about oral sex. But remember you also have a penis, two hands and all of you body to share and touch her with. A man that can make love with his hands and all of his body stimulates more than one that focus on a tiny little part of a woman’s body. I am sure different women have different preferences but do not take for granted that oral is the most prefer way for a woman to be made love to. As I do not watch porn I do not know if it show a… Read more »

I’ve heard quite a few women say they will flat out break up with a man for not doing oral. I would still try regardless of hair, it’s just easier when there isn’t much hair beside the vulva. Not all women with a full set of pubic hair have the long and bushy type too which would get in the way more.

On my list of what I like in women, it’s not really that important. I won’t break up with a woman or be disgusted if she has full pubic hair.

Archy
My guess is that lots women who do not wax of shave their volva ,have neatly trimmed pubic hair.

And yes I am sure lots of women like oral.but remember some prefer inter course and are they are among the 15-20 % percent of women that orgasm from intercourse. If you easily get an orgasm from good old fashion intercourse then that is a fantastic experience no oral can match ever….
At least that is my experience.

In her book, Helen Smith also noted that with the current hostile climate in colleges along with rape hysteria are giving young men another incentive to drop out of the dating scene. add to that a legal system where a man has a 50/50 chance of losing everything he has worked for including his children. MGTOW is not “anti female”, but a recognition that the current system is rigged against men unless they stay in their prescribed roles as appliances or ATMs.

I think it is important to teach young men and women to be clear in their own minds about how they want to be treated and don’t settle for people who treat you like an object (whether that’s a sex object or a money object) Too many people never learn this and put up with all kinds of sh!t from others because they are desperate to be with someone or they have low self esteem or that other person is just so hot/sexy/attractive/rich or whatever. Most people don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship and keep reliving scripts… Read more »