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May 24, 2017

before I get into this, let's go back. after Mila turned 1, we decided we would stay a family of 3. we had no plans to grow, and took precautions to make sure that plan stayed in place. fast forward to June 5th, 2016. the day after my birthday, and I was 4 days late. I went to a baby shower, not thinking about it. when I left, something made to drive to the store and buy some tests. I came home, Mila was napping, and I went into the bathroom. 3 minutes later, there it was, positive.

my emotions over the next 6 months were raw. I cried daily, not ready to share my attention. worried about how Mila would react to this new chapter. everyone told me "just wait until you see them together, it'll be the best." -- and they were so right.

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next step? share it with the world.

I was a little over 4 months pregnant when we decided to announce it. we had the gender in an envelope on the refrigerator for over a month. I called up my photographer, Danielle Hughes, and we started brainstorming.

I knew I wanted to make this gender reveal fun for John, so I decided we would include firearms somehow. I had my best friend open the gender envelope, and buy the pink/blue powder that we would add to an explosive that John would shoot on location. I was worried to bring Mila, but I knew I wanted to get some family shots as well. the end product was perfection, as usual.

May 13, 2017

I grew up with a sister 7 years older than me. I do have some good memories together, but when she was 21, things changed. her decisions altered her life, and little by little our relationship deteriorated. we reconnected when she became pregnant, and soon after that, we became roommates. but once again, she went downhill. now, years later, we have no relationship. she wasn't invited to my wedding, and will never meet my children. this past October while pregnant with Lucy, we passed each other in a store. I walked in, and barely recognized her. crazy right? how do you "barely recognize" your sibling? I looked at her, and kept on walking. I checked out, and called my cousin in a panic. out of all the days, out of all the stores .. it happened. I had never gone into this store before in my life, but needed something last minute before we left for Disney in the morning. it happened. we crossed paths, and I didn't even budge.fast forward to February 3rd, 2017. Lucy came into our lives, and along with all the regular "mom fears", my biggest was the relationship between her and Mila. would they bond? would Mila love her right away? would they grow up and fight? would they share clothing? have similar taste in music, or even boys?all the things I wasn't blessed with, I wanted my girls to have. I hope they respect each other through and through. I hope that when one messes up, the other is there to help them navigate back home. you teach your children one thing, and the world teaches them another. I hope they remind one another of their morals and self worth when I can't be there to do so.that their love for each other over powers anything else in this life. when I think of their wedding days, I can only pray they are each other's maids of honor. they are each other's first phone call after a promotion at work, or even a bad date. I hope they share clothes, and even fight over them from time to time.I want them to grow up strong, together. when Mila came to meet her new sister at the hospital, she walked in and said "hey, there's my baby sister", as if she had known her forever. no jealousy, just love. watching their relationship grow has been my greatest blessing. Mila protects her, and tries to teach her things. Lucy lights up when Mila comes into the room. seeing how a sisterly bond is meant to be, it's the greatest joy. the greatest love. my girls.

May 8, 2017

I am pretty sure its always been inside of me, just hidden. I have always worried about the weirdest things, for as long as I can remember. back in the day, I would ask my dad to stay awake until after I fell asleep, because I thought nothing bad would happen if I was asleep. but if I was the one who was up the latest, that's when it creeped up.

after getting married and starting a family, it subsided for a little bit. I would still have anxiety at night, especially if John fell asleep before me. I would try and always shut my eyes before him, hoping I would drift off just a minute before he did. when his job required him to live away for 6 months when Mila was just 3 months, I was sad, but knew I couldn't show it. it was bad. I would be awake until 3-4am each night, listening to the sounds of the house and neighborhood. if I heard the strangest sound, I would be pacing for hours downstairs. I would dread bedtime because it meant that I was alone again.

now, 3 years later, I am finally feeling stronger. mentally. but when Mila turned 1, I hit my lowest point. as a parent, you are always worrying. from the time you open your eyes, even when they are asleep. it really is a 24/7 job. but man, I never want to go back to that dark place.

I would sit up at night sobbing (the ugly sobs), petrified. John and Mila would both be fast asleep, and I still would break out in a stress sweat. there were days I didn't leave the house because I was so afraid something would happen to me or the baby. every time I would do Mila's hair, I would turn to John and say, "are you watching? you have to make sure you can do her hair incase I am not here to do it for her". I didn't want to drive with her in the car, I watched her every move, every breath, every bite. I just had this underlining feeling that something was going to happen. being in a crowded place was unbearable too. would someone rob us? kidnap my kid? shoot up the place? I remember calling my aunt one night (who always gives the best advice) and crying to her on the phone. trying to put into words what I was experiencing. I felt crazy when the words rolled off my tongue. I never thought I would be here. I was depriving my child of amazing memories, all because I didn't want to buckle her into the carseat wrong, or go to Target for diapers.

my husband was as understanding as he could be, driving us places and making sure I didn't have a panic attack in the middle of the frozen pizza aisle. but I knew I was the only one who could help myself. I needed to learn that I couldn't "keep us in a bubble". I couldn't allow my mind to be terrorized by my thoughts. and man, this shit is hard.

Mila is now 3, and I recently decided to go back to work. it has helped me tremendously. it keeps my mind busy during the day, and it helps me sleep better at night. I knew that I needed to make a change. I had to find the solution. Mila is thriving, making the best memories and I am happy to say that I am right there next to her along the way. of course I will always have the mom worry, but I try not to let it consume me. I can go run errands, wait in line for 10 minutes and not think the worst. I can drive us to the zoo, park, or the beach, and just enjoy the moments. this is what life is about.