I'm still stumbling around this question. I can't remember that kind of pain when I was abused as a very young boy. Is this because it didn't happen, or have I blocked the memory of the pain with a special type of amnesia?

I'm still stumbling around this question. I can't remember that kind of pain when I was abused as a very young boy. Is this because it didn't happen, or have I blocked the memory of the pain with a special type of amnesia?

Puffer

I read something about this just recently. It said that if something really horrible happens where you think you are going to die your brain releases some kind of opiate so that death hurts less and something about how people who had been in serious accidents don't really remember much about it. I wish I could remember where I read it, it was really interesting.

That's what I think happened to me the first time. I just felt nothing. Kinda like having stitches, you donít feel the needle going in to your skin but you are sort of aware of a tugging sensation. It was pretty much like that. Just like everything was numb, all I could feel was pressure. I knew after that something felt pretty wrong with me but it wasnít till I woke up the next morning that I felt pain. Pretty much everywhere. I donít think people who rape children care if they hurt them or not. If they did then they wouldnít be doing it in the first place.

yeah - people ask, "if something that bad happened to you, how could you ever forget it?" the answer to me seems to be that you couldn't survive if you didn't distance yourself from it, forget it, bury it. the absence of memory is almost like a proof of how bad it was. i know that can become crazy - trying to prove something by the fact that there is no evidence - but in cases where there is reason to believe something happened - the lack of memory does not prove that nothing happened, either.

lee

_________________________
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho

I am not homosexual, but I have friends who are and who have enjoyed anal sex since their teens. So I am certain it is possible for an individual who is raping you to be kind and gentle. Remember, rape is not primarily sexual, it is an issue of power. If you experienced sexual pleasure, that is not unusual. To avoid the pain is not an indicator one way or the other of abuse and betrayal.

For some individuals it lessens their guilt by carefully avoiding hurting their prey. One of the individuals I sponsored in AA molested his children. He explained how he was careful not to hurt them but that molesting them was irrisistible.

I am aware that for me, my anal rape occurred when I was 14, and it did hurt even though some kind of lube was used ( he squeezed it on from a ketchup bottle). But, there was little that I would suggest was gentle in my rapes and sexual abuse. Certainly he did not perform the anal rape in any way that resulted in any sexual pleasure on my part. When he orally molested me I had the pleasure from the orgasms and ejaculations. But, when he made me orally stimulate him, or fucked my mouth, he took no responsibility for my pleasure, and I certainly knew no better.

Power, control, manipulation, humiliation, are all aspects of childhood sexual abuse. When this leads to sexual pleasure or not, does not change the acts.

There are some experiences which are more difficult to understand since they do not directly involve sex. For example my mother had me undress for her friend the photographer to take pictures when I was 12. This action by my mother to generate pornography of her son is incest. but their was nothing sexual about it. My mother did not embarrass me until she told the photographer to cut down the pictures so I wouldn't be embarrassed when I got older.

Knowing what the mechanics were did not in anyway make me more aware of the effect. I may also have never known the difference between the experience of the event and the experience of the emotional reaction to the event. I am only now beginning to experience the emotions which I denied when I was younger.

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