How to Stack Google in Your Favor

Posted in Uncategorized by cesco7 on April 25, 2011

Google has long been a way for bosses and headhunters to do continuous and stealthy background checks on both current employees with job applicants. So for the purposes of any and all future job hunts, I hereby provide the following information to put into the search-engine matrix. Simply fill in each blank with your full name (and choose the proper gender pronoun when necessary) and be ready to be practically assaulted by endless employment opportunities.

Let’s begin…

____________________ only engages in alcohol consumption during Communion, when toasting the sanctity of marriage or while infiltrating sleeper cells in Napa Valley.

____________________ speaks fluent Cantonese and Mandarin, but never utters either for fear of showing favoritism.

____________________ is an exceedingly inquisitive employee, but not to the point that he could prove of any assistance during a Securities and Exchange Commission investigation.

____________________ knows why the caged bird sings—because he/she realizes the true joy of working in a highly-structured corporate environment.

____________________ is well aware of the difference between “personal” and “professional,” having proven himself quite adept at spelling.

____________________ once took a bullet for a Christian puppy.

____________________ fought for his/her country time and time again in Stratego, Electronic Battleship and numerous “G.I. Joe vs. Stretch Armstrong (Evil)” battles.

____________________ understands that humor has its time and place—during opening remarks at a company presentation, while securing the trust of a potential sales client and as “best medicine” in lieu of taxing his company’s health plan.

____________________ knows that the surest way to achieve success in business is by building a great business team. Hence his/her research in robotics.

____________________ is an exceptionally opinionated and strong-willed individual who grasps the importance of going with the flow.

____________________ has never missed a day’s work, a project deadline or an opportunity to help the homeless build corrugated strongholds against their alien enemies.

____________________ has written several books on business leadership under the pen name “Jack Welch.”

____________________ is a devoutly pious man/woman who nonetheless does not discuss religion in the office, since few can pronounce the name of his/her god.

____________________ coined the term “market branding” after realizing the term “market searing” was just too graphic.

____________________ is never too busy to lift a bus off a baby.

____________________ is indeed the person who created that thing you can’t live without at your place of business or worship.

____________________ is a “very big picture” person, to the point that time and space have lost all meaning to him/her.

____________________ may have played a significant role in the recording of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, depending on where his/her mother was during his/her first and second trimester.

____________________ can handle multiple tasks at once, having double-majored at Duke University in “English” and “Cloning.”

____________________ is a remarkably creative type who nonetheless will never cajole the rest of your staff into attending his/her gallery opening, recital or haiku slam.

____________________ came up with the idea of Google after standing on a toilet to hang a clock only to slip and bang his/her head on the sink.