The Christian school you attended was connected to your church/cult, or you were home-schooled. Your church was committed to the “Doctrine of Separation” and strong discipline. You believed Billy Graham was the “bad guy” and that all other churches and religious organizations were disobedient and in “sin.” Your church also controlled nearly every aspect of your life. Your family may have even needed to get permission from the pastor before going on vacation (if you dared leaving in the first place). If you are female (heaven forbid), you most likely wore long skirts and the IFB ODM-Approved modest clothing item known as “culottes” most of your life whenever you went in public (you even went swimming in them).

1. “Bus Ministry”
2. “Soul-winning”
3. Gospel tracts
4. King James Onlyism
5. “The Bible says, ‘Touch Not God’s Anointed’ and that means ME!”
6. “Pants on women is sinful!”
7. “Christian Contemporary worship music is demonic!”
8. “Rock music played backwards tells you to kill your parents!”
9. “Going to the cinema is a sin!”
10. “Billy Graham has done more damage to the cause of Christ than any other man alive! He’s a heretic!”
11. Screaming, ranting, and raving pastors
12. Hellfire and brimstone sermons
13. You used to enjoy reading the book, “Me, Obey Him?” and thought the points made about wifely obedience were spot on.
14. “Women are to be in submission and obedient to their husbands at all times!”
15. “Women are to keep silent in the church.”
16. “A woman’s proper place is pregnant, barefoot, and in the kitchen.”
17. “I don’t care if she says she was beaten and molested. She’s just BITTER!”
18. “Well, good, godly men get accused falsely of molestation all the time now-a-days by people who hate what they stand for.”
19. “I don’t care if she was 15 and he was 50, she was well known for wearing provocative clothing. And how do we really know who is telling the truth”?
20. “Black people have the ‘mark of Cain’.”
21. “What do you mean we’re racist? We just ban interracial dating/marriage and use the Bible as our proof text to do so. That’s not ‘racism,’ that’s the BIBLE!”
22. “Any counseling by a professional psychologist is of the devil! I don’t care if they claim to be a Christian. If they are licensed and not a part of our group, they are not godly counselors. They are secular humanists ready and waiting to accuse every good man of doing something wrong. They want to see the destruction of the true church!”
23. You walked the church aisle approximately 15 times to become “born again, again.”
24. You spent tens of thousands of dollars for a college degree that means nothing in your professional field, but you console yourself with the idea that you walked away knowing how to make your bed, take out the trash, hang up your clothes, wear sharp suits and talk a good game.
25. You were beaten bloody, but your “will was never broken.” As a matter of fact, your “will” is stronger now than it ever was and you’re happy about it.
26. Tent/revival meetings
27. The prohibition of dancing (It’s carnal, you know!)
28. Your parents inscripted Bible verses in the wooden “rod” they used to beat you with.
29. Annoying choirs, and special music
30. That darn organ…
31. Alter Calls
32. Tithing…”If you aren’t giving 10% of your income to the church, you’re stealing from the LORD!”
33. The Sinner’s Prayer
34. Street Preaching
35. Protests/picketing with signs that urged people to repent.
36. “College is so much more than getting a degree for a professional career. College is about experiences and learning discipline and training, and who better to train you than us”?
37. “No good Christian needs to learn about things like psychology and feminism! Those are devilish movements!”
38. “We don’t need the governments approval (but, shh, don’t tell anyone in the group that we’re taking their money!).”
39. “Santa is really Satan in disguise!”
40. “Halloween is Lucifer’s day!”
41. “Old Church Hymns only!”
42. “The King James Bible is the perfect, inspired, literal, inerrant word ‘a God, and there isn’t a single translational mistake in it.”
43. “If you aren’t in a King James Bible-believing, Independent Fundamentalist Truly Reformed Calvinist Presbyterian Baptist Church, you are on your way to hell.”
44. You attended what you thought was a University, then realized you got a bogus degree and were shocked to learn that it was nothing more than the “Jones’ Family For Profit Business.”
45. You have an unaccredited “college” degree, which means nothing in the “real world.”
46. “And who cares if the rest of the world goes to college to get a professional/usable degree? If the rest of the world jumped off a bridge, would you want to do that too”?
47. Large families/no birth control
48. Phony Ph.D.s
49. “If you’re gay…get out of here! We don’t want ‘your kind’ around our kids!”
50. Your father/family member has an honorary doctorate from the college/university or institution he works for.
51. Lowest salaries in the US for employees in the IFB. As a matter of fact, now that you think about it, the employees in the IFB make less than the missionaries to Africa that you are currently supporting.
52. Being told, “You’re just bitter” and “not right with God” when you leave.
53. Getting ostracized by your family and friends for leaving the group.
54. You were a guy/girl beaten mercilessly in an unlicensed group home.
55. You ran away from one of these group homes.
56. You were one of the girls sent to a group home for “rebellion,” but all you really wanted was to simply wear a pair of pants.
57. No mixed swimming.
58. Culottes
59. Chick Tracts
60. Patch the Pirate
61. Character Sketches
62.”Steve Green is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”
63. Patriarchy…keep that woman in her place!
64. You could make four times less than you are making now, while doing four times the work if you decided to go back.
65. You had nightmares as a child from the overused “Left Behind” videos in your church.
66. Dating parlors and super slides (while wearing culottes).
67. and much, much more!

68. You may also fit into the group well if you once attended or were reared/trained under materials available through:

There are different methods from removing the horns, or dehorning, an emergent – the simplest being not letting your young fundamentalist be turned toward emerging. When this is not an option, you can now make a choice as to what method to use to dehorn an emergent.
Difficulty: Challenging
Instructions
Chemical Method of Dehorning
1. Step 1
Push back the hair that covers the horn bud on the young emergent.
2. Step 2
Use a brush to apply caustic potash or caustic soda to the horn buttons.
3. Step 3
Choose whether to have the hair fall back over the horn bud after applying the caustic, or clipping the hair back altogether. Some have found that the hair helps to keep the caustic in place, and prevents the caustic from irritating the older emergents.
4. Step 4
Avoid getting any of the caustic in the emergent’s eyes. Always wear gloves when applying the chemical. Wait for sunny days to apply the chemical on the emergent as rain can wash the chemicals from the horn buds.
Hot Iron Method of Dehorning
5. Step 1
Use a hot iron for dehorning an emergent if they are a little older. Also use anesthesia in conjunction with the iron, especially on the older emergents. Carefully check that the iron is working well before applying it to the emergent. A unit that is too hot can cause brain damage in the emergent which will also aid you in bringing them back to fundamentalism.
6. Step 2
Hold the hot iron against each horn bud for 10 to 15 seconds. A copper-colored ring will appear.
7. Step 3
Observe the emergent. After 4 to 6 weeks, the horn button will fall off.
Spoon or Tube of Dehorning
8. Step 1
Make sure you use the proper sized tube for the horn for dehorning. There are four sizes available. The tube should fit over the horn bud, as well as 1/8 inch of skin around the base of the horn bud.
9. Step 2
Place the cutting edge so that it is straight down over the horn bud.
10. Step 3
Twist and push the tube until you cut through the skin, then cut under the horn button and remove it.
11. Step 4
Apply an antiseptic to help prevent infection.
Barnes Method of Dehorning
12. Step 1
Fit the knives over the horns of the young emergent or older one by closing the handles of the Barnes-type dehorners. You will want to remove a ring of skin at the same time as the horn.
13. Step 2
Spread the handles apart as quickly as you can manage. This engages the knives, which cut off the horn.
14. Step 3
Make sure the blades are sharp before this procedure. Use anesthesia as well as make sure the emergent is properly restrained.
15. Step 4
Stop the bleeding by either using forceps to pull the artery, or a hot iron.

This is just another scheme to sell more books! (We wish we thought of it first!) We must stand against this as Rick plans to try to end “Spiritual emptiness” under the cruel and unbiblical idea of planting churches and preaching… Reconciliation! We hate that!

2. Equip servant leaders

This is just another ploy to get rid of the priest laity division. Which is fine as that idea is “reformed” BUT! What Rick is really doing is taking away OUR jobs! Yes, he is trying to bring down the walls between the Forever-And-Righteous-Theologians and the peons that think they can just read the bible and understand without our help! How dare Rick Warren think he can equip anyone better than we can!

3. Assist the poor

What the Hell for? They got themselves in that mess. If they were just committed to the Holy Economics of Capitalism then they would not be poor and be rich like me! The real issue is poor people riding the system and using my tax money to buy big screen TV’s and Wii’s!

4. Care for the sick

And this… this is just a code for socialism… Rick Warren just wants to pass the Health Care bill so that we will be equal with Canada!

Of course this means then that Rick Warren is for abortion if he supports Obama (the antichrist himself!) and the evil Health Care bill!

This also means Rick Warren is trying to stop the spread of AIDS. How dare he go against God’s holy means of judging those homos!

5. Educate the next generation

By educate Rick Warren means he wants me to pay for third world schools to educate those living there! This means our products we send there to have them make at a lower cost will now cost more! How can we keep Wal-Mart supplied with low cost (near slave labor) products

This also means that Rick Warren wants women to be equal with men! How unbiblical is that! We have only a few exemptions like Ingrid of Slice, Deborah of DTW and Paula at her blog (is that even still up and going?)

By education, Rick Warren also means that I will have to stop driving my Hummer and drive a hybrid car!

The final analysis is that Rick Warren has gone insane! His ego is only surpassed by our self righteous judgment of him! Be sure to send him a note telling him how he needs to stop this silliness before he embarrasses all of us True Christians!

(Lighthouse Fails news source) In a recent poll at Grace to You in which those that follow that ministry daily and even attend Grace Community Church where asked if they believed John MacArthur to ever be wrong. As they tabulated the votes, it was pointed out that 100% of those that were “true believers” and Elect stated that John MacArthur was never wrong! The rest of the votes were tossed out for suspect of being tainted by Emergent Village spies. John MacArthur celebrated by buying a new suit and handing out signed copies of his book, The Truth War and smiling in a recent Larry King interview and debate. Spurgeon, Luther, and Calvin were not available for comment. Yet we were able to contact I. Todyaso who heads the ever popular and extremely self righteous blog “The Online Discernmentalist Mafia” who stated, “Who would have thought otherwise?” and mentioned that the rumors of John MacArthur’s love for basketball has not set a lower standard for other ODMs.

The Post-Emergent Church Of The Future—For old people that never grow out of their youth. A non-seeker-sensitive approach to church: How to lose friends and alienate people. The Post-Emergent Church will return us back to fundamentalism while still remaining relevant. Praise Hymn Rock Songs Include:

In Awe Of Thy 600+ Commandments, Praise Jesus 25x Chorus, Jesus Is Coming Now Grab Your Guns, We’re Old But We’re Still Young In Church, A Mighty Fortress Is Our Bible, I Saw Jesus Shoot A Heretic But He Did Not Shoot The Deputy, We Hold The Absolute Truth And So Can You, We’ll Annoy You With One More Praise Chorus, We Wish You A Servetus Barbecue, O I Hope My Shoe Is Holey Enough For The Rapture and Raise A Banner Of War On The Non-Elect

Confession of Faith: Legalism is Lord. Church services will include inquisitions on non-believers followed by forced baptisms. Afterwards, we’ll have a pot luck lunch. Everyone wins—souls that is! Rainbow wigs available after your first forced communion.

Dude! This is a satire site!

Before you get all bent out of shape, please realize this is a satire site spoofing the so-called "discernment ministries" who deem themselves more worthy of Grace than the rest of us. So read and have fun! BTW, we are not against "good" discernment ministries that do actual real research and extend grace to others, only the bad ones.