Saturday, March 24, 2012

For two weeks, I've been wanting to say that to every stranger I see. Grab them and shake them and scream those four words at them. I want to make them feel as uncomfortable as I feel.

Because I'm angry that they didn't stop...that the world didn't stop when she did. Things just kept going as if she never existed, as if she never mattered. But I want them to understand that my world did stop.

I want them to understand that my eyes are swollen and haunted because I've never watched someone I adore slip away into nothingness. Understand that I'm sleepwalking in a fog of grief---slow and distracted and not myself. Understand that I've never felt so fragile, like I'm made out of glass. Like my heart is breaking and I can't breathe.

I never knew I was capable of enduring pain this intense and this unrelenting. It's the absolute worst moment of my life. And I'll never be the same. There was me when she was alive and now there's me when she's dead…

***

My grandmother was beautiful. Achingly, stunningly beautiful. She was strong and complicated and smart and funny and damaged and a force of nature and charming and ambitious and stubborn. But most all, she was mine. She's the only grandparent I ever met.

My grandmother was my mother's mother. My mother was her only child just like I am my mother's only child. Whenever they'd describe our triangle, they would say, "Unica hija de una unica hija."

My grandmother and my mother had an epically awful relationship. My entire life I've felt guilty about the wonderfully close relationship I have with my mother. It is in many ways the direct result of how bad her relationship with her own mother was.

And so the thing my mother most wanted in life was to be a mother---and in her mind, right many wrongs. And becoming a mother didn't come easily. She lost two sets of twins before having me. When I was born, I was a kind of miracle.

My mother was determined to be everything to me that my grandmother hadn't been to her. For better or worse, I knew that from a very young age. It was this thing all three of us knew but never talked about, like some unspoken sisterly pact.

In the past few years, things had hit a breaking point in their relationship. As my grandmother grew older, she became increasingly stubborn and hurtful, refusing to see or talk to my mother. Money became wrapped up in their six decades of issues. There were lies and emotional daggers galore. I was used as a pawn. It was all kinds of ugly.

And after 30 years of being caught in the middle of the two women who raised me, the two women I loved most, I'd had enough. I decided I didn't want to be part of the emotionally scarring cycle anymore. I realized I wasn't a little girl anymore. I had a choice.

So I chose my mom. Which meant I stopped trying to talk to my grandmother. I stopped trying to see her. I shut down.

Mr. Diabolina, knowing how painful my decision was, would periodically bring her up. See if I wanted to reach out, call her, write her. But like her, I was stubborn. I said I didn't want to hurt my mom. I reminded him my grandmother had my number too, that I wasn't the only one that could reach out.

And frankly, I thought I had time. My grandmother had always been healthy as a horse, looking years younger than her actual age. Her side of the family typically lives well into their 90s. I figured things would work themselves out and we would reconnect. I guess I didn't want to even think about the alternative...

But then one day, we get a call telling us my grandmother's in the hospital. She's dying. To come quickly.

When we get there, she's unrecognizable, full of tubes, motionless, in a coma, dying. She's not beautiful and she's not stubborn and she's not strong anymore. And yet she's still mine.

My mom and I are told that we have to make the decision to take her off the machines, that she's in pain, that mentally she's not there anymore. And it's not like the movies where you quietly watch someone slip away. There's nothing peaceful about it. It's horrifying.

My mom and I are doubled over, howling in agony, praying for her soul, begging for her forgiveness, clinging to each other for dear life. Ultimately, we didn't have to make the decision to let her go, her body just gave up.

And we were there by her side in those last moments...watching her life force drain away...watching a major part of ourselves die too.

Was thrilled when---just as the gates were closing---Mr. NBC raced in. Had put him on the list as my plus one. Adore his face...especially when it's sleepy.

We'd hung out with a big group of his amazing friends until the wee hours the night before. While I'd had a lazy Sunday of eating and shopping, he'd had to go into the studio at 7 am (to pull together a special on Whitney Houston, who had died the night before.) LOVE that Mr. NBC wasn't gonna let a little thing like exhaustion keep him from his first fashion show.

The Tommy Hilfiger Fall 2012 Show

The name of the show: Town and Country. It was quintessential Tommy.

All-American, clean lines, classic, functional, tailored.

Lots of equestrian detailing including boots, boots and more boots.

Also tons of military inspired coats, modesty and burgundy.

The Star Sightings

I got to the show early and trolled the room for celebs. Was there two minutes and had THE star sighting of all star sightings: Anna Wintour. She was getting approached by several people to take pictures and graciously obliged every time. She even cracked an upturned lip!!! I came THIS close to asking her for a photo and telling her about my awesome Halloween costume. Not really. I pretty much snapped this picture and ran away, hoping I wouldn't turn into stone.

Also peeped a bunch of other fashion big wigs like Russell Simmons, Joe Zee, Suzy Menkes, Brandon Holly from Lucky, Louise Roe now from Glamour and Harper's Baazar's Joanna Hillman

And that I attempt to emulate more and more as my hair gets longer and longer, more and more unruly (maybe that's why she does it?)

Also ran into Mr. Brad Goreski. I always worry he isn't going to remember me but upon seeing me on the way out, he lit up, grabbed me and kissed me. He is a LOVER-ly Canadian boy. He mentioned that earlier in the day he had run into Jean Bean at Lela Rose. They'd talked Trevor Project and my tweeting. Me gusta mucho.

(That's the two of them putting on their serious fashion faces during that show. Hilars!)

After the show, Mr. NBC and I had dinner with Jean Bean. We talked fashion for about a minute and then spent the rest of the night talking about technology...like the uber nerds we are.

All three of us---despite being trained as journalists---are now managing social media for the brands we work for. It blows my mind that despite all our professional twists and turns, all our careers are converging in this way, at this moment.

After the Milk Studios debacle of a schlepy outfit, I wanted to redeem myself. Wanted to do more color, feel more California. Didn't so much work on a snowy day. Give myself a pass for effort.

Was inspired by all the color at the presentations.

And by Taylor Tomasi Hill's wearing neon jeans TO the presentations.

Adore these cobalt jeans normally. Been living in them for months. Wearing thick tights underneath causes a whole lotta wrinkling tho. Horrific. But I had to do it. Did I mention it snowed earlier in the day. Didn't stick but still...

Tried to pretend the wedge booties were Isabel Marant sneaks (which I'm OBSESSED with like every other woman who hasn't worn high tops since the 80s). But it didn't work. Felt dowdy fugs.

Almost didn't say hello to Brad cuz I felt so busted. Was recently comforted to see that one of his clients has been rolling almost exclusively in colored jeans, black booties and black coats ;)

Added the pop of color with the Frauda scarf and the neon "clutch." Love this Marc by MJ laptop sleeve so much that I think it's a crime for it only to be seen at work. Been using it as a clutch at night.

Not sure if it's genius or nerdy.
Probably both.
C'est moi!

The Other Outfits at the Show

I just LOVE how the beautiful, rich and/or famous people get to dress like they are in LA when they are in NYC AND IT'S SNOWING! I need a car service...

These It Girl richies were a little more bundled up. Their outfits kinda reflect the weather confusion I was feeling. Like you want to look cute but F ME it's too cold.

Like all of these things separately but not so much together. Gorg hair and makeup tho.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Will blog about the food eventually but here's a glimpse at some tasty goodies we ate with our eyes (Bill Cunningham stole that from me!)

Louis Vuitton on Fifth Avenue

Clear Vuitton??!! Clearly I need it.

Also need more mint in my life.

And who doesn't need more dusty pink

Barney's New York

Can you believe I'd never set foot in Barney's New York in NYC? Not a fan of the service in the Beverly Hills store (wasn't surprised to hear the company is facing Chapter 11.) But couldn't find any fault with all the GLORIOUS merchandise in the store.

Balenciaga rainbows

And Proenza ones

The perfect flat. Period. The end. Miu Miu wins.

Though these neon and snake Stella's were pretty insanely delicious....

Sunnies for days

The perfect outfit topper for a fashion peacock during NYFW

My mom came within an inch of buying this Phillip Lim 31 bag. VERY Celine, no?

Bergdorf Goodman

Bergdorf's is still my favorite NYC department store. This window of theirs was my absolute favorite of the trip. Mira those shoes!!!

Soho

Discovered four new brands while window shopping this trip: #1 Sandro. Gorgeous cool girl clothes straight from Paris. Starting to hear about it everywhere. Go to there.

Maje is another Parisian brand that's newish to the US. It's on Spring Street right next to Sandro. Both brands have the languid elegance of Isabel Marant but less hippie dippie, more polish.

Cut 25 in SoHo opened a few weeks ago and is the new (lower-priced) line by Yigal Azrouel. Uber feminine and colorful. Gorgeous fabrics and flattering shapes. A+. Currently featured on Shopbop.com

Not only did I want every piece of clothing in the store, I'm obsessed with all the gorgeous, hand-made jewelry by Holst + Lee