Wednesday, October 31, 2018

He's back... The Tooting Sex Machine Tim Megone with his views on life, love and Tooting and Mitcham. Dulwich may have hundreds of reporters and media types but we have Timothy and we wouldn't swap him for the world...

Every now and again, for want of anything better to do as the planet collapses and the pagans run riot, we return to the vexed question of football away kits. The pleasing purple haze that assisted our title triumph of a couple of years back met with general approval (Mitcham Lavender/Tooting Purpular Front). However, this year’s sponsors Campus Society decided to make their mark by altering our away strip. Given the sensitivities around the Omelette invasion of Imperial Fields, no one dares use the word ‘pink’ in Terror circles for fear of turning peculiar or breaking out in boils as the bubonic plague rises up from the from the mists and deals out death to saints and sinners alike. But the current outfit looked dangerously close to Satan’s favoured shade. Scientists, poets and chemical quaffers at the Bog End toyed with ‘cerise’ and ‘fuscia’ before the Priesthood’s influential crumble and custard wing intervened and carried the day with ‘plum’. So it is that on our travels, we have become ‘The Tooting Plum(m)ular Front’. I have eaten a couple of said fruits recently and their dark complexions bore fuck all resemblance to the newfound travel wear, but who gives a toss?

Cerise thongs are now available in the club shop or ask Dave Irons for details and prices.

In any case, the plum attire spurred us to a couple of, sort of, memorable cup wins, the first of them in the FA Cup First Qualifying Round at Horsham YMCA of the Sussex County League, one level below us in the pecking order. More often than not, we struggle against this sort of opposition but things looked good for most of the first half, Dominic Morgan Griffiths running the show from midfield as we carved out numerous openings. The best chances fell to the ever-dangerous Zac Coleman, but this time he failed to put them away. Towards half time, the Christian Children began to turn things round and after the break, they took over as our own youthful prodigies lost their way. It was no surprise when they took the lead with a deflected shot and an early cup exit loomed large yet again. Last season, we tended not to bother scoring from set pieces but things could be changing as the giant Nexus Beedon rose majestically at the far post to send a looping header into the net from Wedgworth’s corner. This should have signalled a rampant revival but we immediately fell apart, Tope Fadahunsi receiving his marching orders for a second booking within seconds of the restart. After that, simple survival seemed to be the order of the day but we snatched an unlikely winner, engineered by two of our subs, in the dying seconds. Subbuteo sized midfield dynamo Abraham Odoh won the ball and surged forward before threading a precision pass through the defence for striker Elijah Simpson to burst through and slot home with the silken touch of a seasoned assassin. A heart crushingly harsh Cup exit for the Sussex children but delirium for the travelling hordes. The celebrations lasted until the FA Cup Second Qualifying round draw, which landed us with a pig’s arse of a tie at the then leaders of the National League South, Woking. Still, if nothing else, it meant another plum flavoured day out for the travelling legions …At the moment I am a mere six weeks behind but in these days of incessant information and rolling news that tells us fuck all, we can expect the tale of Saturday’s Eggstravaganza to hit our screens by Xmas …

Monday, October 15, 2018

Tooting and Mitcham Supporters Club are proud to announce
the CD and MP3 download event of the season :

Now that’s what I call Tooting and Mitcham

10 top tunes by some of music’s top international superstars
and their songs inspired by watching the Terrors over the years. The perfect soundtrack for when your in the car after another away day defeat or sitting on a Thames link train reading the programme while sitting next to a tramp.
Sit back and relax and take a trip down memory lane and these fun filled tunes

Hank Williams – “Tears by the Banks of the Wandle”

Leonard Cohen – “Hallelujah, We got a corner”.

New Order - “Beddington Sewage Plant”

Lou Reed – “Night Terrors”

Woody Guthrie – “Dulwich Got Promoted Blues”.

Toots and the Maytals – “P6 - W1 - D1 - L4 was my number”.

Slayer – “Terrorgasm Hate War”

Susan Vega – “Letter to Mishi”

Morrissey – “Oh Saturday, why me”

The
Cheeky Girls – “Fuck off Lino you cunt”.

It may be a big surprise to many of you how many famous
faces have been regulars at TMUFC over the years. To celebrate this, the Supporters
Club are to release a ground breaking CD showcasing the many talented bands and
song writers that have graced the terraces and stands of Tooting and Mitcham
over the years. Many have claimed that watching the club has brought out the
best music of their entire musically careers.

While standing on the terraces at Tooting and Mitcham with other supporters it’s easy to see where
the artistic process starts and where the path to musical greatness begins.

Folk legend Woody Guthrie often visited Tooting and Mitcham
when touring the UK often saying how much he enjoyed the togetherness with the
blue collar working class support that would stand together united on the
terraces on a Saturday calling the referee a fat twatty bastard.

Lou Reed wrote his classic number “Night Terrors” after
doing a combination of glue and heroin before drinking two cans of Special Brew
during a Surrey Senior Cup tie against Leatherhead and then mistakenly getting
the wrong tram at the Mitcham Tram Stop and ending up in Elmers End instead of
Wimbledon. It was considered by many as one of his best songs after leaving the
Velvet Underground.

Morrissey was often spotted at games gazing
into the distance and thinking up sad and romantic lyrics while standing on the terraces at
Sandy Lane. It is often said that Morrissey became vegan after watching Dave
Irons eating a burger at Horsham one year. The haunting words of "Oh Saturday, why me, We scored one but those tossers scored three". are one that football fans from all clubs can relate too making this the prefect gift for anyone who watches Non League Football. Apart from Dulwich fans as they can make their own fucking CD... and probably have anyway. Bastards

Singer song writer and poet Leonard Cohen and Dave Lombardo,
the drummer with hard-core thrash band Slayer both worked in Poundland in
Mitcham during the late 80’s and were both often seen together at Sandy Lane
drinking cider shouting at the match officials from the stands.

Country music superstar Hank Williams lived in Hackbridge
for many years and wrote many of his most soul searching and reflective songs while
getting pissed in the Goat Pub and wondering why he moved to Hackbridge in the
first place. Going to watch Tooting and Mitcham helped him get over the
troubling period in his very troubled life. One can only imagine the joy
watching TMUFC gave him and this often showed in the lyrics of his later work.

Susan Vega was another regular at Terrors games before
moving back to her native New York. Her classic song “Letter to Mishi” was
penned after unsuccessfully trying to arrange a punch up between Dulwich
hooligans and thugs based over at Tooting. Who can possibly forget her appearance on "The Real Football Factories" with Danny Dyer.

The New Order track “Beddington Sewage Plant” was written by
Bernard Sumner and Peter Hook after their car broke down after a game with
Chipstead and they had to wait for over six hours for the AA. Both claiming later that the 3-0
defeat and broken clutch were instrumental in both the lyrics and computerised
drum beat. This unfortunately lead to the split in the band which still lingers today.

The Cheeky Girls were regulars at Imperial Fields until
Monica was placed on a football banning order after a fight in the club bar at
an away fixture at Ramsgate and then threatening to glass the referee during a
home match with Tilbury.

We are still trying to sort out the cover artwork but the cover is
likely to be various members of the “Bog End” dressed only in their underwear
in an attempt to get more sales over the Christmas Period, either that or a
bloke crying into his beer while sitting in the Witherspoons in Tooting
Broadway, or we might just stick to the space thingy one nicked off the internet.

Legal Notice: Some of the information on this Blog was taken from Wikipedia and may need verification

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Hard to imagine Dear Reader if you have read any other of the blogs posted up that TMUFC had won any league games so far this season, but we've now at the time of writing won two games after a brilliant preformance against Hertford Town ended with a 3-1 win at the home of football. Here's "The Meg" Tim Megone to tell you all about the other Terrors victory over the mighty Chipstead in our "Big" local derby over the August Bank Holiday period and then he'll bring you all down to Earth with his take on the game against Hayes and Yeading which was not a victory in any way shape or form.I know what my readers want and it's not happy clappy hippy bollocks.

Victory at last.
The Emperor’s Pastures throbbed with expectation at the prospect of glory on an August Bank Holiday, as we took on arch rivals Chipstead for the bitterly contested local derby that no one ever cared about, off the back of a faltering start to a new season of magic, mystery and quite possibly misery.
We knew from the outset that our chums from the Surrey Hills would not simply stand aside in awe at our metropolitan super status and achievements in (morally) carrying off the FA Cup back in ’59.
Chipstead featured , amongst their ranks, former Tooting Youth Prodigy and midfield orchestrator Saidou (‘Citizen’) Khan, and longstanding departed hero, sweeping up at the back, Dean Hamlin.
Dean inspired the Amy Winehouse song, ‘Tried to take the ball of Deano, he said, no, no, no’, with the twelve-inch dance mix featuring the same track sung to the tune of ‘Men of Harlech’ by a Welsh male voice choir. It never did him any harm, of course, as those that saw his lung-busting foray and finish against Met Police in extra time of the Surrey Cup final over a decade ago will testify.
The euphoria of scraping though on Friday’s FA Cup night didn’t quite seep through as we struggled to make an impact and fell behind to the plundering villagers, a slip from Tope Fadahunsi on the right-hand side of defence exploited to the full as a marauding morris dancer burst through and thrashed the ball home. A wave of depression swept over the Bog End, solemn headshakes and bitter satire the all too familiar flavour of the moment.
But a few magical moments just before half time turned the world – or suburban Surrey anyhow – upside down. First Peter Wedgworth’s inswinging corner eluded the defence and was met with a nonchalant side footed volley by newcomer Brandon Tiller at the far post. Next, Isaiah Jones grabbed the contest by the bollocks and left Dean Hamlin for dead with a magical run before clipping the ball just inside the far post to put us ahead. The tortured Hamlin struggled to contain our rampant new prodigy and resorted to shabby foul play just outside the box as Isaiah put him on toast a second time, earning a custard coated card in the process.
Chipstead continued to pose a threat early in the second half but the Stripes’ defence held firm, an increasingly confident Liam Sallis putting his early season trauma behind him to make some vital saves. But, with the impressive Zac Coleman coming on as sub up front and causing chaos in the Stockbrokers’ ranks, the Terrors took control once again: it was right wing back Danny Bassett who put the seal on a sparkling triumph with a surging run down the flank, delivering a stinging rebuke to society in general, masquerading as a rasping low cross; a floundering defender half cleared, but Danny continued his run into the box to slam the ball gleefully into the net as the Bishop’s End erupted.
Our first League win in over six months: it would have been churlish, bordering on impertinent not to enjoy a mild-mannered orgasm and feast on the heroics for a few days. But was this but a false dawn, a titillating prelude to dark days of dog shit and despair? All will be revealed…

Runway Ruin

All those Captains of Industry who think that Heathrow expansion is the greatest idea since Sliced Armageddon should take a look at the Bostik League South Central, a league which boasts amongst its members a host of runways masquerading as towns and/or football teams in Middlesex.

Foremost amongst them are Hayes and Yeading FC, fallen on hard times since their heady days at the pinnacle of non-league football, but having fun with the lower orders and regularly trampling their newfound enemies into the dust. A few weeks ago, they took on the Mighty Stripes.

If official records are much of a guide, I have never seen us win in the league at either Hayes or Yeading.

However, my last visit to Yeading’s old ground was sixteen years ago, when we stormed into a 2-0 half time lead on a rapidly freezing pitch. In the second half, the frost held off, but the fog was in no mood to fuck about and shrouded the landscape in murk and mystery. From behind the goal, I spent the final half hour marvelling at nothing. The last I saw, we were 2-1 up and that is good enough for me. Meddling League officials later conspired to award the Middlesex non-entities a 3-2 victory.

In stark contrast the other week, we travelled west through sun-soaked desert to take a tilt at the title front runners. After a chaotic journey, I arrived a sweaty six minutes late: we had, apparently, taken a proper pummelling in those early stages, but somehow survived, and things didn’t get any better until about mid-way through the half when we began to string together a few pleasing moves and create the occasional opening. Billy ‘the Buffet Slayer’ Dunn wasn’t far away with a flick header from a Wedgeworth free kick but it was Isaiah Jones who provided the real threat once again and should have put us ahead. Outwitting and outpacing the defence, he burst through for a one on one with the keeper and slipped the ball past the floundering custodian, only to see it roll agonizingly past the post.

Still, 0-0 at half time was a moral victory of sorts and probably exceeded expectations: a few believers/masochistic perverts dared to dream of glory. But it’s the hope that kills you and sure enough, we fell to bits early in the second half. Danny Bassett at wing back spent most of the afternoon looking about as comfortable as a badger at a Young Farmer’s disco, and halted a Hayes attack with a panic-stricken lunge. The ref pointed to the spot and retribution was duly delivered.

It got worse: Danny was sent off after about twenty minutes last season for doing the hokey-cokey at Hendon’s Kingsbury ground. To the disbelief of millions, including the home fans, the ref waved a blood drenched card and doubtless walked away with a handsome reward for engineering the eventual 4-0 home win with a series of shit decisions. The splendour of his decisive strike against Chipstead the previous week gave way to a tale of torment as Danny saw red in the north west once again, aided by an abysmal piece of acting from his ‘victim’ (though treacherous observers conceded his challenge may have had a twinge of two footedness about it). Two more goals followed and humiliation loomed large.

By the time we were awarded a penalty of our own, Isaiah clipped from behind in the box after another titillating run, followed by mass protests from the deluded undercarriage fetishists, the contest was over. Wedgworth’s undercooked strike from the spot was shovelled away by the keeper, and we settled for a 3-0 spanking. A day of pain anaesthetized later on in the pub, as we consoled ourselves that maybe Hayes are a half decent side and our shortcomings wouldn’t be as harshly exposed against the lesser lights of the pig farm parade that is the Bostik South Central

Monday, October 1, 2018

I honestly though we might be over the worse but alas the footballing gods had other ideas after the game at FA Cup game at Woking. Although we lost it was a good day out and the team played well. That idea went out the window when soundly beaten at home by Bedfont in the Tuesday night relegation six pointer in front of a crowd of 119. Looks like a few of our long suffering fans thought "Eastenders" or "Ancient Aliens" would be a more enjoyable way to spend a Tuesday evening than a game at Fortress Imperial. Hard not to blame them really.

One of the Tooting Yoof in darkest Essex

But Saturdays are what Football is all about. The excitement, the chance for glory, the chance to wear a £700.00 Stone Island coat and impress your friends. God forbid that I end up spending my Saturday afternoons in the Asda in Beddington looking at items in the "world food isle" dreaming of all the exotic places I've been to with Tooting and Mitcham. Mind you Mrs H was told by one of the check out staff about a big punch up in the car park between two women after one called her arch nemesis "Penis Breath". Can't be long before "Asda Fight Club" is on pay per view on Sky Arts. although I reckon ring side seats by the disabled parking spaces would be the best place to watch the locals come to blows over dental hygiene. Maybe Tyson Fury should start calling Anthony Joshua "Penis Breath" in the hope that he might get a chance at the Heavyweight title. Although my money on most of the local girls in Mitcham to be able to take the pair of them over nine rounds....Even Mrs H.

So another chance to head to Wembley this time in the FA Trophy was the perfect way to forget about our league form and give the club a well needed boost. Myself and Bogend Ant left the house full of happiness and joy, skipping down the road like characters in an Enid Blyton book, armed with a a nutritious pinic of Pringles and Kit Kats for our journey to the marsh lands of Essex for the game with Aveley. Another nice stadium which does however resemble a Police Station from the outside and the delightful chips could not hide the fact that going one nil down in under two minutes meant that deep down all the travelling Terrors knew this would be another fucking shit day out.

I do wonder what the Tooting and Mitcham players say in their pre match huddle just before kick off. My guess is "Lets see if we can make Hackbridge Harry cry today". The Aveley number three proved to be rather entertaining as he rolled around the ground yelling every time any Tooting players went within two foot of him. Can't imagine he'd last too long in an Asda car park with faced with one of our local beauties.

A sideways view of a "Tired and emotional" Tim Megone after Saturdays defeat in the FA Trophy.

One frightening thing at Saturdays game was that myself and Millwall Will found what we though maybe a bottle of Novichok on the terraces during the second half. Having discussed weather the Russian Secret Service has it in for Tooting and Mitcham and fitted in a little trip to Aveley to try and kill us all after fixing all of our league games this season. Of course that didn't stop Will trying to drink the stuff after the third goal went in.

Although the road to Wembley is blocked off for another season, we still have a League Cup game away at Burgess Hill to look forward to, a home tie with Harrow Boro in the London Senior Cup and Real Madrid away in the Surrey Senior. So we is still a chance for silverware.... We play Herford in the league next Saturday and I wonder how the Footballing Gods looking down on us then will treat us then.

I'll leave the last words to Bogend Ant which I've nicked off his Twitter Account :

I'm sure good times like these will come back... But we just have to wait... You have to experience the bad times before the good #Terrors