November 20, 2003

I'm not sure whether to thank Doyce for this news flash, about the introduction of a turkey-and-gravy flavored soda for the holidays, or simply gag until tears run from my eyes. Yes, it's Great Jones Turkey and Gravy Flavored Soda: "Because the holidays just aren't miserable enough!"? Come on, it's sugar- and carbohydrate-free! Wow! Now how much would you pay?

October 17, 2003

1. I'm gellin' like Civil War general George B. McClellan (1826-1885)
2. I'm gellin' like Lake Chelan (north-central Washington; third-largest freshwater lake in the US)
3. I'm gellin' like Herman Snellen (1834-1908; inventor of the opthamological eye-testing chart which bears his name)
4. I'm gellin' like net melon (the fruit of a variety of muskmelon vine)
5. I'm gellin' like Integrelin (trade name for eptifbatide, a cyclic peptide derived from rattlesnake venom)
6. I'm gellin' like Sir Ian McKellen (British actor, 1939 - )
7. I'm gellin' like Excelan (manufacturers of Ethernet cards)
8. I'm gellin' like matfelon (a synonym for knapweed)
9. I'm gellin' like Margarelon (a mythological Trojan hero, son of Priam)
10. I'm gellin like Fran篩s de Salignac de la Mothe-F鮥lon (more commonly known as Fran篩s F鮥lon, 1651 - 1715: a Roman Catholic theologian, poet and writer, best remembered as the author of "The Adventures of Telemachus," a scabrous attack on the French monarchy, first published in 1699. F鮥lon was appointed Archbishop of Cambrai in 1695, but the publication of his "Explanation of the Sayings of the Saints on the Interior Life" was condemned and he retired, complaining to the end of his days about the sore arches he sustained during long hours of celebrating Mass. On his deathbed in 1715, he was reported to have cried out to God: "Mon Dieu! Why have You not yet invented a flexible, gel-filled insole with which to provide the cushioning support Your humble servants demand?")

September 26, 2003

Man, you just can't buy that kind of publicity, can you? Reports out of Washington indicate that the RIAA's PR reps finally managed to convince the group that the suit against 65-year-old Sarah Ward was a bad idea by "sitting cross-legged on the floor, dousing themselves with gasoline and setting themselves on fire." The RIAA has had no comment yet on pending suits against a puppy, the estate of Mother Teresa and a bus full of orphans teetering precariously over a highway embankment.

September 10, 2003

They must be feeling pretty good this morning at the RIAA, where after months of saber-rattling they've finally hunted down and punished a file-sharing archcriminal: 12-year-old Brianna LaHara. A spokesperson for the recording industry noted that "We feel particularly satisfied about wedging a $2000 penalty out of the kid's mom, a single parent who lives with her daughter in a New York City housing project. Two grand doesn't mean anything to us -- hell, it wouldn't keep one of our lobbyists fed for a day -- but it's a pretty good-sized chunk of change for a woman in her shoes. See, there's a principle involved," he concluded earnestly before returning to his office to continue hiding years of royalties owed to starving R&B musicians from the 1950s.