How Choosing To Have A Baby Can Make You A Loser

Should you have a baby? Today is (British) Mother's Day and nine
months from now is December, a very good time of year to give
birth.

December babies are among the oldest in their school year, giving
them an advantage over younger peers. Studies have claimed that
babies born in October, November and December are likely to live
longer than those born in the summer.

It seems prospective parents have been paying attention to such
reports. Although traditionally more babies are born during the
summer, in 2010 (the last full year for which figures are
available), there were more births in October to December than
any other quarter, according to the Office for National
Statistics.

But is it such a good idea to ditch birth control right now?

Research by the Asda Baby and Toddler Club, on behalf of The
Observer, suggests there are a few downsides to starting a
family: of the 2,113 parents questioned, 49% said they have put
on weight, 40% exercise less, 22% get ill more often, 49% spend
less time with their partner and, perhaps not surprisingly, 58%
have less sex.

It's not good news on the work front either. Nearly a quarter of
those questioned said they had less time and energy to focus on
their careers; 25% said they had stopped working and 5% said they
no longer expected to be promoted. Only 4% said they worked more
effectively and 6% that they were more focused and ambitious
since having children.

Despite all of that, most people who have children would argue
that the emotional benefits far outweigh any practical
disadvantages. So we have asked experts in different aspects of
life to give their opinion of what could happen if you decide to
take that biggest step of all.

Relationships a go-go

Mel Merritt, Relate spokesperson and mother to an 18-month-old,
says: "Before I went off on maternity leave, two pieces of
information stuck out as I left the office. Firstly, it's that
tough that Relate has a 'survival guide' (Relate's Baby Shock –
Your relationship survival guide). Second was a gem from a
contributor to a Relate and Mumsnet survey, who revealed that when she climaxed
after having a child, milk squirted out of her boobs.

"Eighteen months on, I think survival is a good description.
There were many times that I seriously couldn't remember what we
use to talk about. On the other hand, nothing has brought us
closer than the excitement of watching our son grow.

"On the second piece of advice, luckily it's not happened to me,
but a couple of friends had the same thing happen. Best advice I
got for sex after a baby: take it easy and then take it whenever
you can."

Career over?

Not necessarily, says Liz Gardiner, mother and head of policy for
Working
Families. "Many parents want a different working pattern when
they return, and can request flexible working. Good employers
recognise there are business benefits from allowing this – they
retain loyal and high performing workers.

"But many parents find their requests are refused," she adds.
"Mothers, in particular, will often trade job status and pay for
better working hours, moving into part-time, lower-paid work that
doesn't match their skill levels. High quality part-time work is
difficult to find.

"However, research shows women are most able to avoid downgrading
when they can reduce their hours with their current employer, and
fathers report they are less troubled by stress when they can
work flexibly."

Health and children

Dr Luisa Dillner, author of a medical column for the Guardian and
mother of five, says: "Most parents would swear that having
children has made them happy. But the research says the opposite.
Overwhelmingly, studies show that parents are less emotionally
satisfied with their lives, more stressed and less happy in their
relationships than childless people. Surveys put the happiness of
parents at 8% lower levels than non-parents.

"The strain of having children starts immediately. The National
Sleep Research programme in Australia says new parents
lose 400 to 750 hours of sleep in the first year alone. Your
toddler will introduce you to new cold and gastric viruses at the
rate of at least eight a year. Carrying not only your young child
but all its kit will guarantee lower back pain. Fast forward to
the teenage years and most parents feel anxious and generally
unwell until their children leave home.

"Yet maybe this is just the trivial stuff. A study of Norwegians
in social science and medicine found parents had less chance of
developing cancer and heart disease because they were motivated
to look after their health. Mothers were less likely to get
breast cancer and fathers less likely to get respiratory
diseases. The health and wellbeing effects were strongest for two
children. After four children it all went downhill."

Finances down the drain

With statutory maternity and paternity pay at well below the
national minimum wage, family finances are likely to take a hit,
says Gardiner. Women with degrees face a 4% loss in lifetime
earnings as a result of motherhood, while mothers with no
qualifications face a 58% loss, according to the report How fair is Britain?, published by the Equality and
Human Rights Commission.

Fathers' salaries are also affected: Reinventing the Workplace, by think tank Demos, in
2011 found that only half of fathers questioned took two weeks
off when their children were born because statutory paternity pay
covers less than 25% of their salary, and only one in 10 would
take more than two weeks.

Even when you are back at work, childcare costs will wipe out a
chunk of your earnings – £5,103 a year on average for a
25-hour-a-week nursery place for a child under two, according to
the Daycare Trust, or £14,716 to £19,760 for a live-in
nanny, according to babycentre.co.uk.

Then there are all the other expenses. Of the parents questioned
by Asda, 8% expected to incur private-school fees (typical cost
£10,000 a year for junior school, and £15,000 a year for senior);
61% thought they would be contributing to university fees (up to
£9,000 a year); 11% to gap-year expenses (£3,000 to £4,000, says
Prospects); and 51% with a car (£6,689 for owning and running a
new one, £4,724 for used, says the RAC).

When they leave home they still keep costing you money. Half the
Asda parents expected to help with the cost of a wedding (£12,541, excluding average
honeymoon cost of £3,000.); 23% with a first house deposit
(£8,077, based on needing a 5% deposit on the average price of a
property in England); and 34% with the costs incurred by
grandchildren. Only 10% thought they would avoid all of these
costs.

Old age and ill health

There are six million carers in the UK – one in 10 people –
according to the Princess Royal Trust for Carers. Many are adults
caring for elderly parents, while 175,000 are young carers
looking after ill or disabled parents.

They are estimated to save the government between £67bn and £87bn
a year, but the effect on their lives can be devastating: 68% of
young carers are bullied at school, says the Princes Royal Trust.

Even if you are lucky enough not to need care as you get older,
the value of having children is inestimable, says Ros Altmann,
director general of Saga and mother of two. "There's just nothing
like having children around, especially as you grow older. Being
able to share the joys of your children's lives adds another
dimension to older people's worlds."

You might get a state pension

Tom McPhail, pensions expert with independent financial adviser
Hargreaves Lansdown and father of four, says: "Based on current
trends, between 2008 and 2051 the proportion of the population
over age 65 will increase from 16% to 24%. This means fewer
people contributing to the nation's accumulating wealth and more
people drawing on it. Clearly, if we have fewer babies this will
exacerbate the problem. "The only other way to get more workers
in is through immigration; the only way to reduce third age
dependency is to extend working ages – which in turn can put more
pressure on youth employment.It is because of these demographic
pressures that we are seeing the state pension age increase so
rapidly."