I am 30 and lived with my fiance. I am now married about 9 months. My mother and I have always been pretty close. We would talk on the phone daily.

When I got engaged, she/father offered to pay.

During the wedding process, she was very involved. I was not a bridezilla, I was very easy going. I bought a used wedding dress from a used-store. I sought a lower-priced venue, negotiated with all vendors to get best pricing., etc , and paid for small things to offset their costs.

My mom, in my opinion, was a MOB-zilla. She was upset the bridesmaid dresses were the same color as her dress ( although I told her red for months), during the seating arrangements we made about 50 changes( ie. these people can;t sit together,she didn’t want to sit by children, she wanted specific friends to not be near coworkers, she wanted her embarrassing friends put at MY friends tables….) I obliged without objection. In the end, to fit all table requests, I ended up not having real “Groomsmen” and “bridesmaids” tables.

Well, about 2 weeks before my wedding, I got an e-mail from her stating that she was upset my fiance’s family was in the limo because she felt it should be private for her and her parents. ( even thought she agreed months in advance who was in the limo). She also stated that I was favoring my fiance’s family because I “moved HER tables around endlessy” and “his family’s tables weren’t affected at all”.

SHE WAS THE ONE WHO WANTED ALL THE CHANGES. HIS FAMILY HAD NO SPECIAL REQUESTS!

Also, she had a problem that his family was “taking up 2 and 1/2 table” and that I should have limited his family more.

We had a total of 10 tables. His family only took 2.5 tables. How much more could I have limited him? It’s his wedding too!

Well, come rehearsal dinner, she didn’t even speak to me.

Later that night, I was also told my mother was in her hotel room, crying her eyes out to my family ( that werent; at the dinner) that I ignored HER all night.

Come wedding day, I maybe spoke 4 words to my mother all night.

Ok………So fast forward about a month after wedding.

No one in my family was really contacting me. No one asked about honeymoon, no one “liking” or “commenting” on Facebook photos, etc.

All of a sudden, I get a bombardment of texts from my step-aunt—That I am ungrateful, I used my mother for money, I’m a bridezilla, I’m a middle schooler with a tantrum, I needed to cut the “shit” that my mother cried constantly and I just ignore her, and I needed to immediately, buy flowers for my mother and go to her and apologize.

I was very polite at first. Just told her I would handle it all myself. As she persisted to be rude, I basically told her it was none of her business, and she hasn’t spoke to her own mother in 10 years, so to not give family advice. I told her my mother hadn’t reached out in months, that it wasn’t a one-way street.

A month later, on my birthday, that same step-aunt mailed me a birthday card— ” Happy birthday to the 3 year old” along with a tiara.

I emailed her. I told her not to be malicious. That I had reached out to my mother by mailing her a birthday card and b-day gifts, and a mothers day card and gifts, sent her links to wedding photos, sent her a hand-written thank you card, but my mom was completely unresponsive with mere one-word answers or thanks”

She responded with : “I was not aware you had any feelings. I guess you cry every day too. You know, like your Mom has since you were married? I’m not convinced you have feelings. People who have feelings don’t hurt children. Your siblings were such cute little props in your wedding photos, on your day to shine.”

Anyway.. I knew immediately why my family was lashing out and ignoring me. My mother was lying to them all about things to make me look bad. I also found out she forwarded all my emails to our family members.

Later…..

When there was a family BBQ, I declined to go, too much drama and I didn’t want to deal with it yet. So my mother emails my husband!:

“I am glad your whole family has welcomed Kate with open arms. Apparently she has NO need to be part of ours anymore. I am not putting any blame or criticism toward you or your family for this behavior , I just think its disrespectful for 85 yr old mother , I dont even care about how she treats me anymore.”

Fast foward another month..

Our family has an annual vacation locally. This year I heard nothing about it , and assumed it was cancelled. THEN I see vacation photos on Facebook! I then get a text from my mother “This is vacation weekend, would love if you and Chris could come”….. UMM.. You invite me last minute after you were all ALREADY down there?!?!??!

I knew she was only inviting me so she could spin the truth and tell the family I was invited but didn’t want to go.

Fast forward another couple months.

My grandmother got sick and ended up in hospital. NOONE in family told me! I found out through my little brother ( 15)’s twitter!

A few days later, when g-ma was about to go into surgery, I get a text from my mother. Not even a personal text, just a FORWARDED text from another family member with an update on my grandmothers health.

I lost it.

Conversion:

me: Yes, I know. I wish I would have learned about this sooner. I had to find out through (brothers’s) twitter.Her: You should have come to vacation! You could have said hello to her . Its only a 30 minute ride for you! Im too upset to fight with you.I only found out about her the day before (brother) posted on twitter.me: Come to vacation? you invited me after you were all already down there. You had no interest in me being there. her: I’m not writing back, every word would be FUher: That was meant for you, but I sent it to Kate by mistake. Oh well, its the truth.

—so immediately I knew she was doing it again, forwarding my texts to family. Who says “F U” to their daughter?!!

I wrote back, ” I got that text you sent about me. what a surprise. gossing and badmouthing you daughter more and more. grow up and act like a mother!her: Done with ume: clearly you arent done with me, since all you CONTINUE to do is badmouth me and forward my texts to people.

And that was that.

______________________________________

This situation is eating me alive! My family basically don’t want to talk to me, my mother is being cruel. How am I going to handle Thanksgiving and Christmas??? I don’t want to see people who aren’t talking to me! But If i don’t go, thats more ammunition that I’m a horrible monster.

I need some advice. Am I crazy? Am I wrong.

Don’t feel the need to just agree with me, I would like honest opinions.

I think you are in a bad situation. I think at this point your Mom is thriving on the drama and will never be satisfied.

Is she usually wanting to be the center of attention? I think maybe she is upset that you were the center of attention on your wedding day and her attempts to cry and whatnot did not get her any attention. Now I think she’s just milking it for all its worth and at the cost of ruining your whole relationship.

@RedRose1979: I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I have had my own issues with my parents in the past. My dad, while we were growing up, would get angry about something small and then not talk to us for weeks. Literally weeks. So when I was old enough to move out, I moved out. Anyway. I’ve found when they start acting like that, it’s easier to just not talk to them – basically forget like they exist. Eventually, we’ll start talking again after wounds heal. I think the longest we’ve ever went was like a month though.

As far as your aunt sending that card, that’s ridiculous. I feel like she may be trying to stir the pot and make things worse between you and your mom. I would ignore that as well.

Don’t give up on your mom completely. Sometimes parents aren’t as mature as their kids. Just let it go until she starts acting like an adult. Don’t engage her. I’ve found this always works best for us.

Again, I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. Fighting with parents is never fun, even when you’re an adult. I hope it gets better for you.

@RedRose1979: Wow! Like, wow! How incredibly immature. I especially can’t believe how a grown adult would have the balls to send that card.

You know, I’ve had so many of my own issues with my mother, and even more with my MIL. I completely understand how draining and depressing this all can get. Afterall, those are the people who are supposed to stand up for you and support you. It’s very hurtful.

Honestly, I would cut them off. She doesn’t sound like she’s capable of reasoning, she only wants to spin the truth to suit her needs. She also clearly has no problems lying to everyone she encounters. Every time you try to talk to her, she somehow seems to use it against you. Why engage her anymore? You’re the one who keeps getting hurt in the whole mess, even by the rest of your family. It really doesn’t matter what you say, or even if you concede to her demands, because it seems like she just enjoys the drama and wants to win the arguments. She seems to like the control.

How else is this affecting you? Is it something you can look past on most days, or is it eating you up? My drama is eating me up. I’m seriously considering going for counselling because I don’t want my reactions to the wedding events to cloud every other event. Maybe you could look into counselling to help deal with the emotions. How is your husband reacting to all this? I really hope he’s being very supportive.

Don’t go to Thanksgiving or Christmas or any other BBQ, etc. You’re going to put yourself through hell going, and for what? To sit around and hear how horrible you are? So what if you don’t go. Yeah, she’ll use that against you. Whatever, because if she didn’t have that she’d most likely find another thing to use against you anyway.

I’m a firm believer in cutting toxic people out. I totally understand how difficult that actually is, but in the long run, you’re the one who has to keep suffering and getting beaten down. How is that healthy?

Eventually they’ll figure out that she’s the crazy one, I promise. And what are you really missing out on? Spending an uncomfortable vacation with your mom talking shit about you in the other room? No thanks.

Live your own happy life. Eventually she’ll miss you, or someone else in your family will and they’ll reach out and figure out you aren’t really all that bad. Besides, if they believe all that noise, who needs ’em?

@sourcandy: +1, although I realize cutting your family out is tough, it sounds like they are just as ready to cut you out of their lives. This is seriously crazy, sounds like you got engaged and something in your mom’s brain just turned on (or off). I guess my only question is if any of your other family members have listened to anything you’ve had to say to defend yourself? Can anyone back you up?

@RedRose1979: As someone who isn’t in contact with her parents, I think it’s time to pull the plug on this, even if it’s temporarily. THis is pretty classic, getting other family members to side with them… at least, that’s how it was in my case and quite a few others I know who do not speak to their family of origin.

At the very least, some distance will help calm your nerves. She sounds like a complete drama queen, as does your aunt. They thrive on the conflict — don’t give it to them. Don’t reply to texts, emails, or pick up the phone. If you see them in public, smile, say “hi” and then walk away or claim you’re late for something. Do not feed the fire.

As the other PP said, I also agree with cutting toxic people out of your life. I have no time or energy for people like that, even if it means having no family outside of my husband and children. I really wouldn’t spend any more time on this relationship. She’s obviously gossipping and making up stories in an effort to make herself look good. Don’t give her any emails or texts to forward. At least make her work harder to make up the stories.

This probably isn’t helpful, so I apologize, but if that were my mother, I’d wash my hands of her. She sounds not only manipulative and immature, but very toxic to your life. Blood doesn’t mean you should have toxic people in your life.

@RedRose1979: Do your little brothers and sisters have email accounts? facebook? You can keep in contact there. You can also do skype/facetime if at all possible. It really is not the best, but nothing good will happen because of your mother.

I really recommend that you speak to someone about all of this. It is very hurtful to see “family” turn on you because of lies.

@RedRose1979: I had trouble seeing my younger sisters when this all started for me, but we’re all adults now, so our relationships are up to us. I have a good relationship with one sister and I thought I did both until some events unfolded this week that I’m just sick over.

Do you have a family member perhaps on your dad’s side or something that sees your siblings often that you could meet them at their home?

I wont lie, I cut them all out. I couldn’t deal with how much I “ruined” my parents’ lives and how I had to hear how horrible I was on a daily basis. As my sisters got older though, they understood why I left.