The messiness of following your truth

Who among us has not reached for something with heart, soul, blood, and guts, and ended up trounced, trammeled, and shattered?

There is a special spot in my heart reserved for women who give their all, lunge towards their dreams, rush into the unknown with abandon, trust their deepest soul’s yearnings, and shatter into a million pieces.

Check out this email I got recently, from a subscriber:

“I’ve been doing so much work around trusting my intuition, my power, my sensuality. I’ve made huge leaps but I recently hit a huge bump in the road. I screwed up in trying to ask for what I wanted, and now things are really messy. How do I move on from what feels like a failure, and worrying I won’t get a second chance? I feel like I’m plummeting, and everything is broken.”

First of all, before I begin, I want to give her a standing ovation. Don’t you??

Any woman who has chosen to adopt the discipline of pleasure, and trust her pussy/intuition/power, instantly becomes the star, the heroine, of her own life’s story.

She is no longer being dragged along tracks created by others, she is no longer giving in to cultural conditioning and living the design of what others expect of her.

She has cut loose from the pack and is charting her own course, and living the legend she was born to become.

If you’ve ever been there, feeling like you royally screwed up, and that choosing your truth is to blame, here’s what I want you to know:

As my Dad used to say, “This is livin’, kid!”

Women who never choose themselves, who never risk living their own desires, who never trust their own pussies—never feel the way you do.

They settle into the ho-hum-mundane business of a life of compromise and mediocrity, living under the radar, never reaching for the gold, and never finding any. But when you poke your head out of the sand, and choose to figure out how to fly, guess what happens? You crash sometimes. And the higher you fly, the harder you fall.

Every one of us gets thrown. Tossed. Whipped off our pathway by some force greater than us.

And the big determining moment in a woman’s life is this: what do we do when we get our ass blasted? What do we do when we get utterly decked? Crushed? Thrown off our game? Do we quit? Run away? Hide? Or get back in the saddle? These are defining moments for a woman.

When a woman risks living the legend of her desires, she is living large, instead of small. Why? Because living your Truth is not just about you anymore.

A desire is the interface between you and that which is greater than you.

Living your deepest truth is asking to be remade by your own destiny. It is offering yourself up to be recreated into the woman you were born to become. Your desires carve you into the work of art you were meant to become, just like Michelangelo found ‘David’ inside a hunk of marble.

So, when you feel like you are plummeting to your death, you are. The raw hunk of marble is getting chiseled away, and you are being remade—into a living, breathing work of art co-created by you, and the divine. Does it feel good? Hell no.

But, “this is livin’, kid.”

And will you get another chance to fly even higher? Count on it.

You get endless second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth chances.

In fact, for a woman who is living as full out as you, chances will come land in your lap, as long as you keep taking those beautiful steps in the direction of your dreams and desires.

In the comments today, I want to hear you outrageously celebrating your biggest blunders.

Every chapter of your story deserves to be commemorated. The world requires the fuel of each of our dreams, to survive, and to reinvent, as we do.

Deep down inside, every woman wants to live the legend she was born to become. You are doing it. This is what it feels like. No guts, no glory.

Sisters, tell me in the comments below:

• What was a time you took a step toward your dreams that resulted in superb failure? • What tools did you reach for, to bounce back with even more vivacity?

I identified with this last message so much and needed to read the part about celebrating for the simple fact that I was “in the game” in the arena! I was the heroine in my story even though I felt pummeled to the ground…I stuck my neck out there, not once, not twice but so far 3 times in this area…to fail miserably…to feel like all was lost, that 3 years of development and work, effort and hustle…a waste…but it wasn’t! I am continuing to be made into a masterpiece! I needed that reminder! thank you for your timely words!

Hi all my lovely sisters.. Mama has done a wonderful job molding me since I picked her book last month.. I had a gentleman step into my life which made me really excited.. yet he seemed not available so I texted how felt. So my assignment to myself was to reread the text and evaluate how I did.. which I did really well without cussing or attacking him. So thank You sisterhood!

I got married. It became the biggest “failure” but then launched me forward. I switched careers into teaching, which landed me living with my Dad. Now I rent from him in a downstairs apartment of his house…my job recently was cut to part time so I feel like it’s my next rocket…but where do I go? How do I NOT accept a job that is not my passion, so I make sure my ends meet, I don’t know….I want to live through my passion; PUSSY was the last nudge I needed to realize what is next in my life….but getting there, that is the question…..

Goddess Regena, I’m going through this right now….another failed long term relationship…6 years. I’m devastated, heartbroken, angry and relieved all at the same time. I’m reaching for sisterhood, channeling my energy into cooking, decluttering, feeling all of my emotions and honoring them. I’m also falling passionately in love with my passions, desires and gifts again. The breakup was today, but it’s been leading up to this for quite some time. Thank you for reminding me that this is all natural and a way for my soul to tell me, enough is enough with me excepting less than I deserve.

I reached for the highest high. I was so excited. I flew so high. Going for the man, the job, the money, the perfect family. I bragged that I had two great jobs. And then I lost it. I lost the man. I lost the jobs, the income, and my family came apart. I hit the ground so hard that I bounced. The only thing I still had was my sense of humor so I bragged that I lost two jobs in under two months, and that made me giggle. Then I laid on the ground and bragged that I have the ground. And I laughed because it felt good to look up and feel the solid earth holding me. I reached for the smallest pleasure. Turns out that it feels so good to just sit or lie on the ground. It feels really good to walk and to sing.

I got up and came inside. I remembered that I loved to cook and I cooked. I remember that it feels good to be of service, so I served food and cleaned my house. I said thank you as much as possible. Since I was getting laid off, I figured I might as well have as much fun as possible, so I led my team to dance out the door. I have never laughed so hard. Now I love getting laid off.

Being home every morning since then has felt wonderful. I get up and sing my gratitude to the rising sun while standing on my front porch. Truthfully, I want to stay home now. My kids are so happy when I’m cooking and cleaning. I had a pile of socks that I had neglected to put away for months, so I decided to have the Great Sock Match-Up. It was very successful. I cook feasts and even bake desserts again. Last night I baked the moistest chocolate cake. It was so good that I kept taking bites just to feel it on my tongue. My kids are eating like an army and they have grown at least an inch. And everything feels perfect just like this.

I was desiring community. Struggling w parenting issues, no dependable support, in a strange country we were trying to make “home”. As an answer to our searching, we moved into a commune with 4 of our 5 children (oldest had her own family by then). After a year we sensed it wasn’t working, but it’s oh, so hard to cut those emotional ties. The people became family, the rules and the structure were soul-killing. After 2 years we moved out. It shattered me, and it shattered everyone in the family. I blamed myself and nearly lost my sanity. Our 16 year old son never recovered.. we lost him a year later in a car accident. He was an embodiment of a crushed emerging majestic being.. really suffering.. looking everywhere for soothing.. I tried to offer everything I had, but it didn’t reach him. A year of panic and anxiety, while home schooling my 6 year old daughter and being mom to two, still at home, recovering, depressed adult children. In six years after this Pinnacle of Suffering, I have found my Pussy-Power again! We have a saying in Hungarian when someone is courageous: “S/he has blood in her pussy.. ” I’ve found the Inner Goddess, My own Emerging Queen, through the tears and the keening, the colours in the sky of evening, my walks in Nature, and understanding of our journey. It all makes sense now.. what I wanted and why, and how absolutely it was necessary to live every moment as I lived it. Children make sense now, so do relationships, so does Life itself and being a WOMAN! I am good at cherishing my “NO” and my “YES”, my SkyMind, my Raw Heart, my Strength.. my Little One inside can Rest. It’s Alright. I am Here. We are reaching for that desire for community again, with more insight and understanding, and a huge deal of Power-Humility and Love and Tender Firm Pussy! My family is healing rapidly. My relationship w my husband is real and raw, honest and daring. My now 13 year old girl is thriving, and I feel that these coming teenage years are going to be an awesome journey! My adult children are travelling the world and growing in their heart, soul and spirit. They have “blood in their pussies”! No, it wasn’t easy! But Regena’s dad was right: “this is livin’..”

I’m in the middle of it right now. Yesterday I went to go look at a new apartment that I thought I wanted. It’s located in a beautiful part of Portland, it’s quiet, I could live ALONE (my dream!), the landlords are courteous, and was basically mine for the taking. After having one of the worst living situations I’ve ever experienced this past year, I jumped at the chance to see it.

Turns out, it wasn’t up to my extremely high and picky standards. After all the hype that was spoken about this place, not to mention the excitement built up in my mind, it became crystal clear to me that I didn’t want to walk down a hallway to enter my home. I care too much about the pleasure of opening windows and doors to let in fresh air. I care too much about my garden and sitting outside on a porch. I care how my cat likes to be outside. I also had the crushing realization that I just can’t afford it, which has been my Achilles Heal for the last 8 years.

To add insult to injury, when I went to reach out for support from my mom (with whom I’m incredibly close to), my struggle was met with shaming. Shaming from her for even trying to reach for something I so deeply desired. Like many of us know, when a deep struggle is met with shame from others we hold dear, it’s an extremely painful experience. I felt that yesterday. And I’m still feeling it now. The feeling where you want/desire something so badly it can make you cry or feel sick just thinking about it. That’s how badly I want to have my own place and have the stable income to support it.

But…. I’m moving through it. Literally. I went for a walk in the woods (a daily/weekly practice) and just let my mind be quiet. No pep-talks or scheming today. I walked slowly because I just didn’t have it in me to feel anything other than deflated. And I thought about this post. About how there are people in the world who celebrate this kind of “reaching”. That there is a strength in the act of looking and reaching for something more. There is strength and perspective in realizing that I can turn down something that doesn’t align with the exactness of what I truly desire.

You, MG. YOU CELEBRATE THIS. I am so glad I read this before my walk. Even though I’m still wollowing in my “failure”, I know that there is power in having options and choices. Something greater is coming my way.

Don’t want-don’t feel-don’t ask…a culture recently discovered amongst my siblings, ingrained in us as kids. I could never understand or pinpoint my inability to do goal setting. At least I know now why I struggle to name my desires. Sadly, my husband reinforces the above. I CAN see something behind the veil. There’s a restlessness, an urgency for change but without direction. The “universe” has been at me for a while, me stumbling upon books, programs, people…all via, via, via. So, let me begin with the basics…just a little self care and learning. Thank you Mama Gina…..I’m a sponge!!

Yes, following your truth is messy indeed. You leave a mess in the wake but its the most honest act a woman can make; to not betray yourself is the greatest lesson of all. When you follow your truth, its liberating no matter the outcome. As women, we spend so much time making sure everyone else’s dreams actualize and forget our owns, but following your truth is the biggest affirmation that a woman can make about who she is. I learned to live with the mess of following my desires no matter the result in the end, its far better than feeling regret because I did not go after what i wanted.

I desired to be a Mom and I became a foster Mom and it was so hard and I had no support and felt like a huge failure. Luckily by the grace of the goddess my little one got to return his family of origin. The experience broke my heart. That is how I became a sister goddess.

I have lived messy and on purpose at the same time all of my life. I am usually viewed by others as a little eccentric. I felt like an utter failure at times. That being said, I have lived fully and am fully alive. I have written books, gone on many beautiful sensual adventures and have taught my children to live fully and reach for their dreams and feel to the very core of their souls. I needed this reminder as an encouragement to never stop living in passion and purpose. Thank you!!

Whoa, I mean, WHOA. MG, you nailed it, again. I literally just finished writing a memoir, as in half an hour ago, about my struggles to walk away from being a high-achieving “good-girl” into becoming the musician and woman I want to be, and the way my fear and envy have tripped me up and helped me grow, time and time again. THANK YOU, Regena, for this reminder, and for your work, and for being YOU. XO

So…the big catastrophe I am recovering from …my big leap- has to do with taking what I thought was my dream job in NYC. I was hired to be the spiritual director of a center that had been founded by a charismatic woman…It was basically her “brand”…but that is not at all what they told me. I was so excited …moved back to NYC from southern CA…and walked into a pit of madness. It was HORRIBLE!! These people saw me 100% through the projection screen of their founder…who I am not like at all- and I inherited the myriad unresolved anger, adoration, confusion, mistrust etcetc that the members felt for her. There was literally no room for me…I still want to hire a private investigator to find out why they even hired a new “leader”, as the great majority of the people there were trying to figure out how to BE the former leader… It was a devastating experience for me…and I am still recovering. I had SO MANY wins from the whole situation…Was able to found a center and for two years do some very creative work in nyc with a lovely team of new friends. I have written a book as a result of the necessity of clarifying my teachings for others to use…and have an amazing and wide network of fellow travelers whom I never would have met otherwise. So I see the win of it all, but the WOUND of the thing is still so painful. I offered m y best, and before I opened my mouth, literally, every gesture, word, idea was met with rejection…It was a real eye opener…and honestly has still kept me from returning to leadership. I never, ever, EVER want to experience that again. I thank you Mama Gena, for shining a light on the need to embrace EVERY part of our journey. I am not a victim, but I feel the hurt of this experience acutely…and it is five years after the fact. I know I am a winner…but honestly, this was a horrendous experience, and I continue to struggle to not be crushed by the whole thing.

It is messy indeed! When I used the word “pussy” in my women’s group last meeting I saw the shock on these woman’s eyes when they heard the word. I was amazed as women of consciousness, that they would have that response. Women are struggling to be set free and it is a messy, messy job. The good news is we are resilient in our nature and we must restore that resilience. The time is now!

I am struggling with parenting my 16 year old son. He is struggling and making poor choices. I try and get closer but he pushes me away with anger. My husband and I feel lonely and shamed. I always thought my kids would be perfect and troubles only happened to other parents. I am realizing that my judgemental nature and perfectionism has attracted this lesson into my life. However, knowing this does not make the journey any easier.

I have wanted to sell or share beauticontrol skin care I would get the Flyers I would have every intention of passing them out going door-to-door even and telling people about this awesome skin care we do spas and people’s homes soon as I would get the Flyers I would get new business cards I would want to pass test them out something would come up some excuse and then I’d stick my head in the sand and cry about it and lay in bed and eat until I blew up to 270 pounds now I’ve gotten 20 lbs off I still lay in bed and eat when I am sad and it’s years later and here sit more flyers and I sign back up with the company and all I got to do is pass them out and get a couple Spas a month that’s it now there’s an interview coming at a grocery store in the deli or wrapping meat I used to work in a deli so I’m thinking do I just go for this interview and say forget about the beauty control business I don’t know now I’m in Texas I came out here to be closer to my grandson and to help help my little baby grandson and my older son we were going to live on his land and he promised us all these promises promises promises we got out here and nothing panned out and it was awful we were slaves for a place to live and I’ve been homeless before so I know that fear of being homeless and he rub that in my face constantly I’m going to kick you out if you don’t do this on and on and on so by the grace of God I received the money to move out somebody hit me in the rear end and I collected the money for it and then I ended up selling my car so here I am in this apartment that I can’t afford because I’m too scared to start my business or too ashamed to go work in a deli because I should be better off than what I am both of my younger kids are working and they’re paying my rent how sad is that so I get mad at myself but I did take my picture and I did wink at myself in the mirror and I stare at that picture and I tell myself you deserve it you do deserve it you deserve march to your own drummer you deserve to create your own path so what if you fail so what if you get an order wrong okay you’ll get the next one right so what if someone tells you no who cares the next door might be a yes and I might be a big yes so here I stand listening to my intuition and getting out there and creating this business or following would everybody expects of me and going and working in a meat department or Deli I love you Mama thank you for your work thank you ladies for reading this all the way through Marilee Saddler

This is such a timely blog post. I am on the brink of realizing a dream-launching a community perinatal doula program to serve African American women and turn the tide on the abysmal maternal and infant mortality rates here in Texas. The program is set to launch on September 1, 2017, but in the meantime I’m broke and a single mom with 2 kids to support. I get child support, but I’m so in the hole and have massive Credit Card debt.

Today I interviewed with a local birthing center for a job as a group perinatal health facilitator. Six months ago, I would have jumped at this position and given my all to get it. But in the last 6 months, I’ve created an airtight business plan, 2 funding solicitation power points, a solicitation video and have a presentation with one of the largest private hospital foundations in town. I have also firmed up collaborations with the local breastfeeding coalition and now the post partum health alliance. This is going to be an AMAZING program that will be helping and supporting my community. I was just recently honored for my work this past weekend. It’s all a go, Isn’t it??

I have literally put my heart and soul into this project and everything in my being says to stay the course. I need $20,000 to make it through the summer, and while working at the birthing center won’t come near to that, it would make a dent and provide some security. But it would also suck up most of the time I need to complete this launch. The job is considered “parttime”, but the hours are 9-5 M,Tu,W,F. A quick calculation shows that I could work my ass off at this position for a year and barely make $21,000 a year! So I’m leaning towards upping my solicitation efforts, but there is no guarantee there either!

I’m torn-grab stability and safety, or reach for my dream and risk the free fall into a million pieces? It’s not easy being a goddess!

Mama Gena, when I read this email I thought with a heavy sigh of myself as a younger woman. A young woman who generally hid when times got rough. I’m so glad I get to read it now! I feel so lucky and really glad I decided to try the Mastery course. It has opened my eyes. There are so many daring things on the coursr and I’ve discovered something – I’m daring!!! Xxxxx

Thank you, Mama Gena. You are the wordsmith, the Truthkeeper, the Sword Holder for women who feel this beautiful song of life within them. I’m seemingly on an ongoing loop of doubt, and you are there to remind us of the way forward. I’ve had great bursts of success with long periods of hiding without really knowing why. ( Or perhaps I do. ) Thank you Mama Gena for your courage at staying in the light for women. We see you and know that we need to shine too.

Thank you so much for this Wonderfull words that come just at a perfect moment and sink deeply in my heart, thank you mama gena , it’s so good to feel the recognition, the acknowledgement , and the truth that we are to alone on this path and that it is a beautiful path . THANK YOU SO MUCH. I BLESS YOU AND I BLESS THE “GOODDESS” IN YOU. With all my love . Odile

I decided to stay home today and nurture my inner child. I was fighting myself, having tantrums and resisting going to work with the kids today. I feel undervalued at this particular event I work twice a week. I have already put in my two weeks notice but I had an inner child healing yesterday and she was screaming at me to take a day for her. After feeling guilty, obligated and just exhausted, I took a day to love her. I felt like a failure, I beat myself up pretty bad, and I resisted like crazy but I stepped up to the plate and am holding her now. I’m soothing myself, knowing i am taking the steps necessary for healing and following my dreams. ❤️