Confronting rage in attack mode from within and outside fences will shower demons all around you. The confrontation will startle you into where you must be right now. It’s a trigger of sorts. A switch in your head that the primal core of survival, clicks on.

You choose to fight. Stand up for what you believe.

Or.

You fall apart.

Go insane.

Full steam down the road to nothing. The path with no light and a dead end. The gate closes. Locks on you. You can hear it. You shouldn’t travel this place, but it’s too late. The snap in your head is just too loud to resist.

You’re.

Steadfast. Blinders on.

Nothing left.

Die alive.

An alkaline spray fills your mouth, your throat surrenders.

Now you’re chewing on rust.

Liking the taste.

Before who you are drains.

Into blackness.

If you fail to accept the present and fall to the prison of the past, you’re doomed to make the same mistakes.

“Not after Woodbury. Not after Andrea.”

And Philip Blake fades to black.

Forever.

He was too far gone.

From the inner core of what made him human, humane, the former Georgia lawman had fallen in and out of inhumanity.

An old man believed perhaps a deputy was too far gone.

Until.

The stagger. A right foot. A step back. There it was. Did you see it in the mid-season finale? The empathetic-driven acting of Andrew Lincoln.

To step back from the fence. I’m sure many didn’t notice. It was just a subtle move. A motion.

But it was important.

It motivated me enough to write this blog post.

It was raw acceptance of what is. Full engagement in the present.

Because we’ve all stepped back when an outside element so threatening shakes us. Erupts from a place inside so deep you can’t describe it.

It was a jolt, the shock of the blade. Ready to steal another from his inner circle. From a place behind the heart. Deep.

The moment Rick Grimes knew what he needed to do, to say. The moment he stepped back to push forward into the present. A re-focus on actions, not the outcome. A focus on what he was meant to do, to be.

The deputy had indeed arrived (again).

“We all…can change.”

And it caused an old man to smile…

The thought of sacrifice rolled over the aged, former farmer.

Herschel knew. His work was done. And not wasted.

Rick understood the power of what was going down.

He’s shed blood. Lots of it: Those he cherished have bled. Young and old.

Too many times.

He’s mercifully released the living from walking death; others, he let them wander – a rotting stagger penance in-between life and eternity.

“Everyone who’s alive right now.. Everyone who’s made it this far..

We’ve all done the worst kinds of things.

Just to stay alive.”

The former deputy has been there – rotted in the mind.

Memories that linger and rattle like diseased bone. The past gripped Rick’s brain. Poisoned icy tentacles – the old bloodlines have long shriveled. He won’t let them die.

They walk through his head.

I understand.

You do it, too.

Rick allows the past to possess him; it controls his thoughts, guides his actions.

Until the moment.

The devil arrived – forced a response.

When all he’s counted on – the fences, defenses, were suddenly close to annihilation.

Kill them all!

Everything you care about is in jeopardy.

There’s imminent danger of losing everything, including yourself.

It’s at that point, you change.

Live or you die.

Or die and you live.

Grasp for the black or the light.

It’s time to choose.

Think..

What will you focus on right now to stay alive?

What stimulus initiates a bold action?

Anger from the past. Anxiety over what’s ahead.

“But we can still come back.”

How does one die to live again? To come back?

The Deputy decides.

“We get to come back… I know.”

Random Thoughts:

1). What will force you into the present? For me: Step back, then a tumble. A corporation I dedicated 14 years of time and blood turned on me, worked me out. The loss of a close friend. Financial distress, physical challenges, choked me into the present.

I gasped for air.

I felt myself go under. I went below surface.

Inside a mental steel trap I never thought I would be.

I found myself eating, sleeping, breathing less.

Saddled with nightmares for the hour a night I did manage to sleep.

For more than a couple of months in 2013, I died.I was walking but I was gone. I contemplated an exit to complete the circle. Thought it would bring relief.

I sought escape. Isolation.

I reached out to teachers: The Altuchers, a Ravikant. God, Buddha, John R. Cash.

I wanted out of my skin. My diseased brain.

I was exhausting every resource fighting and resisting what was happening to me.

All the resistance caused further damage.

And.

Just as I was about to give up.

A force out of nowhere slayed my demon.

A sharp sword of words pierced me.

“If you think about it, how much time do we spend in our heads wishing things were another way, beating ourselves up, beating others up, crafting a different past, wishing for a different future? All of this resistance. All of this pain.”

Kamal Ravikant.

As I feel the warmth and light on my face in 2014, I know the roads traveled to get to the present were indeed for the best. I don’t seek to look back at what’s caused me to begin to live again.

For you? The step back into the present will come from a pain so strong it will feel like your soul has been scorched. Whatever that is for you, you’ll know.

Keep an open mind, it may arrive out of nowhere.

Like a tank at a prison.

What a blessing it will turn out to be.

Although at first it will appear a curse.

Carl, don’t look back!

2). What actions will you focus on right now to stay alive? The present is all you have. The rest is ego. Vapor. Heavy mist that burns away. Are there words you can share that have the potential to alter someone’s path, make a positive impact, create laughter? What small action can you take after reading this, to choose yourself? Can you do it every day? How can you shed ego to face and release who you are? How much pain will it take to wake up? Everybody’s thresholds are different.

3). Do you fight or relent? Can you accomplish both? Try not to fight the change, it’s gonna happen anyway. Your ego will do anything and everything to hold on. Even if it means killing you to do it. All the fight. The wear and tear. Just decide now to let it go. Make the decision. You’re facing the enemy today: It’s you. From that point, you can step back and then move on. Otherwise you’ll be stuck for a lifetime in blackness.

4). Be present in your financial footsteps. Every financial action you take now generates a ripple effect throughout your entire household balance sheet. The path of light when it comes to money is to control what you can – avoid ongoing credit card balances, don’t miss out on a company retirement plan match on contributions (this happens often), don’t compare (and beat) yourself to others who may appear to be in better financial shape than you are.

Friends (strangers) like to remind you how they have better stuff, more money saved, great investments that return more than the market.

Be skeptical.

Human nature motivates us to value something more simply because we own it. It’s called the endowment effect.

We’re also fraught with overconfidence when it comes to interpreting the returns on our investments.

To be truly aware, understand that people “embellish” to impress. It’s never too late to begin good financial habits. Comparisons to others will deter and frustrate. You’ll be stuck in an ego-driven, negative financial mindset.

You’re not too far gone.

No matter how old you are.

And no matter how little you think you are.

Never underestimate your true bold nature.

To survive.

And prosper.

What lessons learned – out of love from others – will come in handy right now?

To get your head straight.

“If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place. As soon as you honor the present moment, unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease. When you act out the present-moment awareness, whatever you do becomes imbued with a sense of quality, care, and love – even the most simple action.”

As you rip from the past, forge a path to the present, there’s a good chance the man in charge will unravel.

Actually, it’s guaranteed.

There will be.

A tumble, a spiral down, to discover who you really are inside.

And burn out what’s haunting your sleep.

Because fire cleanses.

Extinguished fires leave imprints.

Black stains scar foundations.

I’ve learned to fear and respect fire of the mind.

You won’t notice change; at the surface you’ve built high fences. However, underneath, today’s thoughts are directing steps to a place you must go.

Actions will eventually get you where you need to be.

First you’ll stagger.

Over time, your gait will firm.

Deeper strides begin.

You don’t look back any longer.

Perhaps you’ll change your name to a person who was loved once.

Take on a new identity.

Not an issue. Whatever it takes. You do it.

Because a free mind can’t be shackled.

And ego is loosening the grip.

Yep: To gain a second chance at life you must die first. A piece of you must pass. In the worst case, an organ will be sacrificed. An element of your sanity, or stamina go to black.

You’ll fight until exhaustion.

Thrash.

Until death overtakes you.

You understand (finally).

There’s no other choice.

If you want to survive.

An enriched life dwells in acceptance, not resistance.

“Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to “die before you die” — and find that there is no death.”
― Eckhart Tolle

When my father was in the care of hospice and dying one cancerous internal a minute, I wanted to accelerate the process somehow. I thought of insidious ways to fast-track his departure. There was red behind my eyes. I couldn’t understand why he needed to suffer.

I didn’t want to understand then how we all must suffer.

To climb to higher places.

Grow.

I was mad at dad for leaving. I hated how I held his hand for ten hours and for five of them it felt like gripping flesh ice.

He always did the opposite of what I thought he should.

As the man in charge he drank too much, womanized too much, worked too much.

Holy shit.

As the man in charge you do it, too.

Rain blood on the closest ones.

Splatter some on yourself.

And it never.

Washes off.

The man in charge forced rules you lost interest in a long time ago but still followed; you couldn’t understand why you carried them with you for so many decades.

Maybe the space felt comfortable even though it worked against your spirit.

It’s the clash. A battle. Between past and present. Ongoing.

And in acceptance you admit.

Finally.

You were indeed, the man in charge.

Suckered, duped, stupid, evil, resentful.

All you.

Good or bad. That was you for a time. A system-based creation from endless approval of others and false control – courtesy of ego.

Because you couldn’t control outcomes. You couldn’t accept the rejection, the change, the spin of the earth, until damage was done –

It’s not fight or die.

It’s fight, THEN die.

Your inner self, perhaps who you were as a child, was a pale light in the distance that eventually got snuffed out.

Realize..

You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.”
― Eckhart Tolle

And a new man in charge emerges.

Out of the shatter.

Wakes up reborn.

Carrying new rules.

Stripped of ego.

Steeped in humanity; seeded from insanity.

New choices.

A higher self.

Rebirth.

And so it was for Philip Blake.

And so it can be for you.

Random Thoughts:

1). Be re-vulnerable. Look – I created a word. Crash through the high walls. Allow vulnerability to live again. You’ll need to practice. High fences just don’t fall. You’ll need to consciously drive through them every day. I’ve learned to be open to and aware of those around me. I’m more charitable. I direct my anger toward evil entities. I drop people who suck my energy. I hug my daughter from somewhere beyond my heart.

Accolades, awards, recognition and validation may never come. In addition, ironically, when you finally stop giving a shit about them, they seem to come in abundance. Be your own gatekeeper, tastemaker, and connoisseur of what matters. Do not choose yourself so the gatekeepers will choose you.

3). Seek re-energy. Living in the past saps energy. The present creates passion, excitement. It’s full of oxygen. Focus on a present moment. No matter how small. Step into it. You’re not your parents, your co-workers. The past does not define who you are right now at this moment.

“Awareness is the power that is concealed within the present moment. … The ultimate purpose of human existence, which is to say, your purpose, is to bring that power into this world.”
― Eckhart Tolle

4). Relish replenishment. Sure, investing is sexy. Financial media touts sexy all the time. Sell Apple, buy Tesla. Nothing sexy happens without the boring act of saving money, replenishing financial coffers. In the new year, increase your savings rate by 1 percent. Haven’t started? That’s the past. This is the present. Begin an auto-savings plan today. Now. Direct at the minimum, 1 percent of your take home pay into a savings account.

5). Cherish those who re-new. Who are the people who renew and revive you? You need more of them. You need to appreciate and fight for those who renew your spirit. Those you love. No matter the disagreements. If I love someone I tell them. Why hold back? Life is too short (especially in a zombie apocalypse).

6). Know when to re-unleash hell. It’s inevitable. Sometimes you will need to fight the enemy. You also need to know if you’re the enemy. Focus energies on what’s required to overcome obstacles. Roll a tank over your ego. Occasionally, that’s a challenge for The Governor.

Although he does try.

He’s got some work to do.

Noted.

Look up.

A pale light glows brighter.

Dark clouds fade.

Self-redemption is yours for the taking.

Accept the past. You can’t change it.

It’s a prison.

Accept the present. It’s yours to take.

Now.

Step.

“Your outer journey may contain a million steps; your inner journey only has one: the step you are taking right now.”
― Eckhart Tolle