New York Times Discovers Hidden Link Between Elitist Food Habits And Elitist Voting Habits

Having just discovered the pagan culinary invention called “cheese fries,” the intrepid New York Times has now determined that Democrats drink organic milk while Republicans dine on Frankencorn and bile. But none of this matters, because such frivolous polls and research cannot truly predict people’s voting habits! Nonetheless, let’s venture into America’s pantries and try to determine our political leanings by seeing what’s in the cookie jar.

Fig Newton buyers are obviously pro-Clinton.

Fiji Water drinkers heart John McCain.

Barack Obama supporters eat uncooked greens such as arugula.

Nader fans drink failure like water and sleep on mattresses stuffed with human hair.

Also, you might be a Clinton supporter if you use an elliptical trainer because you are a woman with a large ass who has convinced herself that 20 minutes of distracted shuffling while you watch The View will make the elbees melt away. You might be a McCain supporter “if your exercise regimen involves fishing,” which is to say you have no exercise regimen.