The Reason You’re Single… Is You

The reason you’re single isn’t complicated, it’s you. You’re a solid catch. You’ve got a job, you’re well groomed, you’ve got your own place, but despite this, your dating life still blows and you can’t figure out why. One (or more) of these things may be to blame.

You’re not comfortable expressing yourself sexually. If you can’t let a woman know that you’re interested, go in for the kiss, touch her, or invite her back to yours, the furthest you’ll ever get is to the friend zone. You have to make a move. Whether it’s approaching, asking them out, or kissing them (if it’s welcome, that is), you have to do it. Sure, it’s a risk because you rarely know for certain how she’s going to respond, but if she’s into you, it’ll pay off tenfold. Fear of rejection is real but if you don’t confront it, you’ll just stay single forever.

You aren’t getting rejected enough. Guys fundamentally look at rejection the wrong way. We see it as an obstacle to getting what we want (i.e. a girlfriend, sex, or both), but this isn’t the case. The more you interact with women in a way that actively screens for the kind of woman you’re looking for, the more you’ll get rejected, sure, but the more you’ll also end up meeting ones who are really well suited to you. For example, when you’re a sexually assertive guy who’s open with feelings, you’re actively going to screen out women who are sexually prudish and dishonest, and after a bunch of rejections, meet one who’s more your speed. Rejection isn’t your enemy; it’s a tool for getting a better dating life. This is why the most successful “players” are often the guys who get rejected the most.

You’re caught up in your own issues. For years during my early to mid-twenties, I would wake up after hooking up with a girl and think to myself, “Where can I find the next one?” I chalked this up to only being interested in casual relationships and thought that sleeping with a certain number of women was somehow important to my life. The truth, which I later came to realize, was that I was just scared of commitment, and as a result objectified women and my sex life as much as I could. To no one’s surprise, this didn’t actually make me happy. Whatever issue you have — and sorry but we all have issues — you have to confront them, work on them, and get over them so you can start living your best life with or without a partner (preferably with one, of course).

You’re boring. I’ve seen guys be successful with girls they’ve complimented, insulted, argued with, laughed with, and ignored, but I’ve never, ever seen a guy who’s succeeded with a girl he’s bored to death. Being interesting is about being interested. Whether that’s in comic books, solo travel, personal finance, kung fu movies — whatever you’re into, be honest about that passion. Women don’t care about what it is that you’re talking about as much as they do how you’re talking about it.

You’re trying too hard to impress women. Ever seen a guy start rambling on about how much money he earns, how nice his car is, or how much better he his than other guys? Those guys suck, right? A misunderstanding a lot of guys have about charisma is that they think it’s about getting people to like you or be impressed by you, but this isn’t the case. Charisma is actually just a result of being inherently impressive and being comfortable being disliked. That’s why charismatic guys take the conversational risks that other guys don’t, and as a result get the reactions that other guys can’t.

You’re lacking something more important to care about. A hallmark of neediness is when you continually put other people above yourself, not out of selflessness but because you want something in return, usually emotional validation. Not only is this a terrible way to live, but it’s also the most unattractive thing you can ever do. The more you learn to honour your own values and get your own needs met, the more you learn to build a life that you actively get rewarded by. When you figure this part out, meeting women becomes about mutual attraction and enjoyment rather than about sticking a band-aid on your need for validation.

You’ve misunderstood how improving your dating life works. Improving your dating life isn’t rocket science. It’s actually really simple, and very little of it has to do with women, but a hell of a lot of it has to do with you.The more you improve yourself and your life, the more attractive you become. The more you get comfortable expressing your own sexuality, the more arousing you become.