Wednesday Watch List: Hamlet! Weird Towns! America!

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Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and become more conversant on the current immigration debate. You see, Arizona passed this law where… Oh man, this is giving me a headache. LET’S GO!

HAPPY TOWN – 10:01PM (ABC) Oh, loogit! It’s a new show! Tonight, the series premiere of this show about murder that takes place in a seemingly idyllic little town where, say it with me now, NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS. You listen to me, Hollywood people of the world. There are, shockingly enough, small towns and suburbs in America where people don’t get murdered, and families don’t keep gimps in the basement, and Dad isn’t secretly a meth dealer. I know! Hard to believe! Who would have guessed that there are normal people out there who are, you know, NORMAL? I’m certain shows like this exist strictly to make the David Lynches of the universe feel better about their own freakish personalities. But hey, Sam Neill is in this. And really, you can’t go wrong with Sam Neill. ANTICIPATION: THE TITLE IS IRONIC!

THE GREAT OUTDOORS – 9:00PM (CMT) There’s nothing left on that plate but fat and gristle! ANTICIPATION: FINISH ALL 96 OZ. AND YOUR STEAK IS FREE!

GREAT PERFORMANCES – 8:00PM (PBS) Tonight, your great performance is the Royal Shakespeare Company’s modern retelling of Hamlet, with Patrick Stewart popping up in a supporting role. Lot of people out there don’t like the Shakespeare. And that’s because people are lazy and dumb. It’s just Shakespeare. In the olde tymes, this stuff was “Sopranos” for the masses. It’s got tons of killings and betrayal and all the good stuff you like from your entertainment. Only with couplets. So sack up and get into it. ANTICIPATION: HAMMY!

AMERICA: THE HISTORY OF US – 8:00PM (History Channel) Not to be confused with “America: The Story Of Us” in which America and Michelle Pfeiffer star in a tepid romantic comedy about their turbulent marriage. Anyway, tonight… we win the Revolutionary War! Nice! YAY US! ANTICIPATION: USA! USA! USA!

TOP CHEF MASTERS – 10:00PM (Bravo – an NBC/Universal network) Tonight, the masters have to prep a meal for the entire cast and crew of “Modern Family.” “Modern Family”? An ABC show, being pimped on an NBC/Universal network? WHO GREENLIT THIS? I’LL HAVE THEIR HEAD! This is not how synergy works! ANTICIPATION: COME ON, SAVE SOME FOR US