Friday, May 11, 2012

D to the I Distraction: Derby Date

Jealously perusing all the grandiose hat photos. And after that, enviously admiring the mouthwatering drinks sucked down by my 'brethren in the same tax bracket' sweating it out on the Infield.

This was my favorite.

Photo: Weasie Gaines

I tried really hard to choose something not red with sequins, but I couldn't. I refuse to apologize.

When I'm 70, I am going to wear this one.

Photo: Weasie Gaines

And all the diamonds are going to be real and I am going to pull them off when I leave and give them out to the best DIY hats made by my drunk friends from the Infield that are now in a much lower tax bracket than I.

Just to add some non-red sequin diversity to the Derby mix, I will give out a few more awards.

Best Height: If my red number up top would have had the feather stature that this one does, I would have been completely smitten.

Photo: Liam Spradlin

Best Dressed Couple: It goes to the guy with the Charlie Chaplin hat and his lovely date. I wonder what it would take to get my Anthony into something matchy like that? I hope roofies are still around by the time that I can afford to attend the Derby.

Photo: Dan Dry / Power Creative

Best Infield couple: "Guys Hung Like A Horse." Like a dead, limp, lifeless horse.

Photo: Donald Vish

Best Derby Badass: I want to be friends with her.

Photo: Weasie Gaines

Best DIY Hat: I pray that it is actually DIY. The base looks expensive, but that ribbon wrap around the wire stems is rough. "A" for effort. And what the hizzy, I will give her the award for 'Making Me Want To Get Into the Hat Business" too.

Photo: Andrew Kung

Best Hat for "I'm Going To Try and Nab a Rich Husband Here, and if I Wake Up in the Morning and Can't Find My Dress, Then I Can Use My Immense Hat To Cover My Wobbly Bits As I Leave the Hotel."

Photo: Kinetic

Best Smokey-Drinky Photo Bomb:

Photo: Sam English

And finally. New this year.

The "Thank God. Now I Don't Actually Have To Talk With 'The Help' Award."