Why I Choose Nothing Over Everything

I will never be a major league baseball player. Those words don’t cut so deep anymore, but if you’d said them to me several years ago I would have been a little melancholy. Twenty years before that, and I would have struggled with my sense of identity. If a childhood dream could be denied, what else was off limits? I no longer hold to such silly standards, but being aware of my limitations when it comes to pursuing certain careers is a little depressing. If I wanted to be a doctor at my age, it would be a social faux pas to start so late, though not entirely out of reach. The same could be said for less academic pursuits: singer, actor, comedian.

Not being at my physical peak, and lacking the talent to be a major league pitcher doesn’t bother me these days. What does is having the potential to be competent at a variety of jobs – not great, but competent – and lacking the drive to pursue them to completion.

“I can’t force myself to knowingly go down the wrong path for the sake of income, stability, and the slim chance it leads somewhere better.”

I’ve worked dozens of jobs over my lifetime: teacher, consultant, marketing manager, writer, et al. To pursue any of these jobs as a career means playing out every possibility that would come from putting in the time, sticking it out, and being the best I could possibly be in that career. Unfortunately, 99% of the time my brain is in overdrive working out reasons I shouldn’t put in the effort, because so many things could possibly go wrong.

I could have been a programmer. I have a knack for numbers and coded when I was in college. But to what end? To work in an office for 8-14 hours/day, killing my health and sanity to maybe stand out amongst millions in Silicon Valley?

I could have been a teacher. I enjoy knowing I’ve passed on knowledge, and I feel rejuvenated – well, sometimes – in a class of young minds. But why dedicate my life to a field that’s largely ostracized in the US? One that is seen as “those that can, do; those who can’t?” Teaching is a career where the pay is often below the cost of living, the hours are excruciatingly long, and your job is subject to the whims of parents and administrators?

I could have been in the military. Technically, I’m still eligible. There’s something to be said for standing up for your country’s ideals. Also, having guaranteed income, healthcare, and housing doesn’t hurt either. Nevertheless, signing that contract means giving up control of your formative years; you can’t choose where you’ll be stationed (or necessarily what you’ll do when you’re there). As a too-independent-for-my-own-good type, I just couldn’t play out this possibility.

For those whose careers are their passions, the choice is simple: stick it out; fight; drag yourself kicking and screaming through the mud, and through the insults. Do whatever is necessary to get you to that end goal. Well, that’s easy, if you believe in something strongly enough. For most of us, who have yet to discover our true calling, this drive doesn’t exists for mundane tasks.

Intellectually, we can look at a number of jobs or activities and think: “Sure, I’d be good at that.” But will we dedicate our entire lives to achieving that goal, clawing tooth and nail until we emerge as the best insurance salesman in Phoenix, or whatever position might appeal to some, but just seem pointless to us?

Don’t count on it.

At this point, my solution is to not get tied down by any one job, In the meantime, I’ll search for what will drive me. I could probably find a decent position that paid better than I’m making as a freelancer, but working for a company or maintaining steady hours would mean less freedom to explore different career paths.

Some people advise me it’s better to choose a path and see it to completion rather than waiting in limbo, wasting time, effort, strength, and experience. They do have a point; if I were to focus on a career, even knowing it wasn’t the right one for me, it would pad my resume and possibly lead to other opportunities closer to my unforeseen goal. Even appreciating the logic behind this, I can’t force myself to knowingly go down the wrong path for the sake of income, stability, and the slim chance it leads somewhere better.

For now, I choose flexibility over stability. Inaction over wrong action. I still worry about where it all leads. I wonder if I’ll look back at this moment and wish I had swallowed my pride, donned a shirt and tie every day, and spent most of my waking hours inputting numbers in spreadsheets. In the present, all I can do is keep moving forward. I’ll continue to focus on my writing, meet new people as I work a variety of short-term jobs, and find my own path in this messy life.

Turner Wright is a freelance writer with an engineering background. He is originally from Texas, but usually finds himself in the Bay Area if not some random corner of Asia. He is currently the Digital Media Manager for Airbnbhell.com and TravelVisaPro.com. He enjoys running long distances, eating more than necessary to do said running, and traveling to other countries.