Dear life, go get yourself!!!

Good Day Eyeballs of the internet, I’m here to try and un-confuse myself and give you a general sense of where my head is right now. My previous blog was utterly depressing but it was honest, Life is a lot better now, I have a new wheelchair which I can actually Fucking drive! its awesome, its as good as being able to walk.

I have been getting out at least twice a week, with and without help. I managed to take myself to the local train station that was a huge achievement for me, I am well aware of how small that sounds and words cant do it justice, a few months ago I was absolutely crippled with anxiety and thought that I would continue to need more and more support. Now I feel like I want to go out independently and I can. I’m even contemplating doing some marathons for charities I’d even go as far as saying that I want to do the 2017 great north run.

I was a Pirate a couple of weeks ago, I was a pirate and a shrimp… can shrimps be pirates? Can pirates be shrimps? These are the things we fail to answer in our quest for the trivial things in life!.. Allow me to Elaborate, Last summer I joined a performance group with the intention to make friends and make music for their shows. Well, I made a bit of music for their show in October and then I somehow got talked into being in their last play Entitled ”Polly The Pirates Perfect Pet” it was aimed at children and I have to admit I really Enjoyed it. Not so much the performance but just feeling part of something.

A few Weeks ago I was contacted by a new online publishing site and I have somehow impressed them enough for them to publish one of my poems! That felt awesome. I honestly do not write the things I do with a view to have them published. The fact is that I could express myself through poetry before I could verbally express anything with a glimmer of substance and that still stands today, I write what I cant easily verbally convey. So to be contacted by a stranger out of the blue for what I consider to be a therapeutic tool was hugely flattering.

Musically and creatively in general I feel baron and its weighing heavy on me at the moment. I call myself an artist but I don’t create a lot, I call myself a musician but no music is being done. I start projects but quickly get stuck. I think the problem is that, I released what I consider to be my best work for my dissertation. It wasn’t perfect but it had a clear message and I recorded the vocals in a recording studio with professional equipment. Where as now in terms of subject matter I am very cautious of expressing my social political or Spiritual beliefs because if I’m honest I don’t have any strongly held beliefs. I jumped into the world of conspiracy theories a few years ago fell down the rabbit hole as they say and you can’t convince me that there’s not an element of truth to a number of theories but once you start trying to convince others that we are ruled by beings that use magic to gain power, than you have to slow down and question how stupid you are making yourself look. “truthers” will hate me for saying this but perhaps we find what we want to find in a lot of this shit. Again I’m not denying that conspiracies don’t happen, they do.

So I’m in a very strange place musically, I want my music to have a message, a meaning and purpose but I currently don’t have a purpose or cause to write for. That doesn’t mean I’m happy with the world is, far from it I’m angry about how messed up the world is but I don’t see a solution, spontaneous peace, love and compassion does not happen. In terms of my equipment I really shouldn’t have any complaints although I have been avoiding using my studio monitors for months due to an irrational fear of fire for which I need to grow a vagina and confront. This shouldn’t be stopping me from creating music but I guess I tell myself If I can’t mix the song properly there’s no point in starting it.

Well that was fun wasn’t it?! If you read this go ahead and give yourself a high five!