BAMBI-KOHLER: Solid relationships stand the test of gas

Valentine’s Day really takes a beating. Single people curse its existence as a reminder that they do not have a significant other and married people pass it off as a “Hallmark Holiday.” We don’t raise nearly enough of a stink about the section of books dedicated to relationships, the magazines who shill recycled dating advice or the nosy aunt who loves to offer her two cents on how to get and keep a man.

I never pass up an opportunity to pick up a magazine that promises “hot new bedroom moves.” I can’t imagine canceling my subscription to Cosmopolitan even though some of their suggestions would send me to the E.R. with quite a story. Still, I read it because the underlying theme of those articles and “diagrams” is keeping the fire burning. Unless you’re on The Bachelor or are flush with cash, jetting off to an exotic island isn’t in the weekend plans but a trip to The Home Depot is.

Things got very hot in a barn in Germany that exploded last week after a static electric charge ignited a cloud of methane gas inside the barn. The source of the methane? The barn’s 90 cows whose “belching and flatulence” contained large amounts of the gas. The explosion damaged the roof of the barn and burned one of the cows.

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I think these cows offer a solid marital lesson. I am assuming that there was a few married couples in the bunch and it wasn’t a “meat market.” This has been decades old divided argument. Should you ever “pass gas” or burp in front of your sweetie?

Certain older couples claim they have never done it. Ever. In more than 50 years of marriage. Younger couples are much more willing to admit their slips.

When Tom and I started dating I did things that now seem a bit silly but we do things early in relationships to keep an illusion that we are above certain things. When our dates started running longer than dinner and a movie or we spent time at his house I had to get crafty.

I made up excuses to “run to Wawa for something” and would stop at Michael’s or Peppers in King of Prussia to use the bathroom. Absurd? A friend lived with her guy and would wait until he was asleep to go to the bathroom. When he questioned her she claimed “the poop fairy came every night so she didn’t have to go.” To this day I imagine that type of fairy cursing her tooth fairy sister with the dream job.

What do these belching bovines teach about relationships? Keep your barn in order, it may be okay to release a little gas but too much, things will go up in flames.

When it comes to love, “real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love,” as Carrie Bradshaw from “Sex and the City” once said I’m a sentimental mush. I’ll turn into a bigger puddle than what comes of this recent snowfall.

It’s an imperfect complex wonderful mess.

People love to tell the “How I Met Your Mother” story, there is a guy on CBS that’s been telling his for more than 80 hours. The other question – why are you still together? - they are much more shy to answer. Most give a jokey, “because she puts up with me” or “our names are on everything”?

Maybe it is too private. I am a bit uncomfortable when a younger person comments on my marriage and the fact that my husband and I will be married 10 years next fall. But I think the answer to that question is needed. Especially when there have never been more ways to find a mate, give into the temptation of adultery and ways to get caught. That’s how technology works.

I was lucky enough to have a wonderful example of marriage in the form of my parents. That provided a solid foundation for me to figure out what I wanted in a partner and marriage.

For me, to make our barn (aka home) a happy one I wanted a loyal man with a sense of humor. One that realizes the importance of a kiss goodnight and a kiss goodbye in the morning. Who shovels the snowy driveway without too much protest. He knows I would rather binge watch “House of Cards” on Valentine’s Day and order a pizza than go to a prixe fixe dinner at a restaurant. And to even attempt to live in harmony, sometimes, you have to break wind.

Katie Bambi Kohler is a Norristown native and a current resident of King of Prussia. Visit her blog at www.cheesesteakprincess.blogspot.com. Email kkohler1129@gmail.com, Follow on Twitter @chzstkprincess.