I Wrote a Better State of the Union

The State of the Union is an annual event when our leaders gather to prove their elderly knees still work by rising to a standing ovation every three sentences. If they’d just sit down and keep silent, it would be over an hour earlier, giving them a jumpstart on productivity before their bedtime.

Oh, and while I was at it, I invented the martial art of Spinjitsu: it’s like gymkata, but you don’t have to stand up. The article’s thoroughly (and well) edited, so you won’t see that bit, or where I suggest blowing up TMZ, but maybe down the road I’ll post the raw version here.