Right before all this present darkness started happening, I had just started back to Church, hoping that I could reconcile my feelings of anger and bitterness. If I don't God can not be pleased. A hurtful and wrong decision by the GA will never be reconciled. In my own anger and hurt, I rationalize that the Angel on top of each Temple is the Idol worship that the 10 Commandments prohibits. I see the past Polygamy as deceitful and forbidden. Yet there are those who believe and teach that to go to the Celestial Kingdom, one must practice it.

Yet, the members of this church and a Missionary taught me, prayed for me, and Baptized me into the church. The fact that most Sundays speakers admonished us to be Temple Worthy and attend the Temple, something that is forbidden to me. For a time, I felt healed and grateful, but the Temple messages eventually started to feel like repeated abuse. I lived through more than a decade of horrific abuse and once tried to murder my abuser, but he overpowered me and took the hatchet from me, saving his own life. He never abused me again. I warned him that he would have to sleep some time.

The trouble has been to keep the abuse by the GA from bringing remembrance and pain from those early days back. I'll continue to love and be grateful to God for those members of the Church that brought me so much healing. As to those who hurt me, God will deal with them someday. I think I finally realize that the safest thing for me to do is to NOT return to the Church.

For some it is better all the way around to just walk away. And it's completely understandable. God has the monopoly on your salvation, not the church.

May you find the peace you seek.

In the absence of knowledge or faith there is always hope.

Once there was a gentile...who came before Hillel. He said "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."

Anger & resentment are two bad, negative emotions for me. Especially over a prolonged period of time.
Personally, I have to find positive activities to "exercise" the negative emotions in my life. They may include:
- more physical activity.
- talk to a friend.
- do volunteer work outside of the church.
- When all else fails, talk to a professional counselor. Psychiatrist or Psychologist

I am in the process of doing the last one. Results may vary, asy they say in the commercial.
I wish you the best.

I am so sorry that you lived through some horrible traumatic experiences.

I give you permission to make whatever decisions you need to make in order to live happy and healthy (that also do not hurt others).

Men are that they might have joy. How can you have more joy in your life? For me personally, establishing and maintaining boundaries is a big part of protecting my joy.

"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

I beleive God will judge, mercifully and charitably, our intentions and efforts - even when we reach radically different decisions than other sincere seekers.

God bless you. "May there be a road."

I see through my glass, darkly - as I play my saxophone in harmony with the other instruments in God's orchestra. (h/t Elder Joseph Wirthlin)

Even if people view many things differently, the core Gospel principles (LOVE; belief in the unseen but hoped; self-reflective change; symbolic cleansing; striving to recognize the will of the divine; never giving up) are universal.

"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong." H. L. Mencken

And I pray you find a space of forgiveness. Not for the wrong done by someone else. And not for you to "return to the church". But for your own heart. Forgiveness free's the forgiver.

"I stayed because it was God and Jesus Christ that I wanted to follow and be like, not individual human beings." Chieko Okazaki Dialogue interview

"I am coming to envision a new persona for the Church as humble followers of Jesus Christ....Joseph and his early followers came forth with lots of triumphalist rhetoric, but I think we need a new voice, one of humility, friendship and service. We should teach people to believe in God because it will soften their hearts and make them more willing to serve." - Richard Bushman

The trouble has been to keep the abuse by the GA from bringing remembrance and pain from those early days back. I'll continue to love and be grateful to God for those members of the Church that brought me so much healing. As to those who hurt me, God will deal with them someday. I think I finally realize that the safest thing for me to do is to NOT return to the Church.

I hope I don't come across as being on a "kick" but this is exactly the kind of thing that EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprogramming) is meant to address. Traumatic experiences, and to replace them with peace and non-anxiety producing thoughts. You can do it at no cost, except for maybe the help of a self-help book, or you can see a therapist.

Here is a book on it. I am finding it is life changing for me personally, if not a bit draining when I go through it on my own. But worth it. The fact that it's draining to me, suggests it works -- nothing of any worth is attained without some kind of price paid, I have found, and the price is feeling a tired and a bit emotionally drained after a self-administered session if you do it well. But it passes with a nap.

Tapping also works wonders on Stress Release. Also feel free to PM me. I am big on meditation, spiritualism, rejuvenation. I can point you to healing books and practices. Church or no church, don't let yourself be robbed by something you can detach from.

"I stayed because it was God and Jesus Christ that I wanted to follow and be like, not individual human beings." Chieko Okazaki Dialogue interview

"I am coming to envision a new persona for the Church as humble followers of Jesus Christ....Joseph and his early followers came forth with lots of triumphalist rhetoric, but I think we need a new voice, one of humility, friendship and service. We should teach people to believe in God because it will soften their hearts and make them more willing to serve." - Richard Bushman

The following just arrived from our Bishopric. My favorite statement is

we as a Bishopric and other ward leaders have sent messages on the Sabbath or using technology have connected to the groups for whom we have stewardship. The recent direction encourages us to NOT do that. Occasional messages from the Bishopric are encouraged, but not weekly. Likewise, we are not to attempt to “replace” Sunday meetings using technology or other means with optional devotionals, classes, and discussions. Rather we are encouraged to give space for individuals and families to seek their own inspiration regarding what family and home-centered Gospel learning really means to them.

"I stayed because it was God and Jesus Christ that I wanted to follow and be like, not individual human beings." Chieko Okazaki Dialogue interview

"I am coming to envision a new persona for the Church as humble followers of Jesus Christ....Joseph and his early followers came forth with lots of triumphalist rhetoric, but I think we need a new voice, one of humility, friendship and service. We should teach people to believe in God because it will soften their hearts and make them more willing to serve." - Richard Bushman