Today just isn't That Day.

Maybe one day...... I'll tell you everything.
Maybe one day...... I'll be able to trust people.

But today... isn't that 'one day'.

Submitted:Mar 21, 2013
Reads: 101
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We had just gone through one of the biggest emotional
conversations I can actually remember to date. It's honestly
crazy! Less than 2 months ago, we were living life under the sun
at the Summercamp of our lives. We were dreaming about how we
would change our schools and how our lives will not go back to
the way they once were. But so soon did reality kick in that it's
almost overwhelmed us to our necks. We're practically sinking in
our own dramas and emotions that we're having trouble reaching
the surface.

These few weeks, you have opened up to me so much. And God has
worked miracles in you. It wasn't until today that it made me
realise how much I know about you; and how little you know of me.

When I was but a child, probably about 1st or 2nd Grade, I was
one of the most popular girls in school. Not like the "mean girl"
popular but popular as in I actually had A LOT of friends. But I
guess you become friends with everyone when you're little. But
anyways, one of my friends was a sensitive and somewhat emotional
girl and another was a sort of demanding and almost bossy girl. I
remember playing games with these two and almost every single
time, the bossy friend would always do something that the
sensitive one would always disagree on. I tried to balance things
out and work out a fair arrangement but there was always that
lingering thing between them that I couldn't help but notice
everytime after that.

Come 3rd and 4th Grade and the ideals of "young love" kick in. I
always hung around and got along well with the guys in the
school. I'd play soccer and handball with them during recess
& lunch and I'd play online games with them every afternoon
or weekend. Because we were a small school, everyone knew each
other and we got along quite nicely. I didn't think of any of
these guys as more than just friends. I mean, they were great to
be around and weren't half decent. But then I hear word that one
of them likes me. I hear that they want to go out with me. Now
you'll have to remember that we were in 4th Grade, so my parents
had literally drilled into me that I was WAY too young to be
thinking about boys. And I was worried about the consequences I
might face if they found out I was going out with a boy. So I
refused his offer to go out and left it at that.

At 5th and 6th Grade, I had a small group of good friends that I
would always hang out with at school. I remember: Brittany,
Emily,me and Rachel. Brittany & Emily were close friends
before then though so we were already a close knit group. But
something happened between Brittany and Emily's families that
somehow got to the both of them and their friendship. I remember
it almost clearly; Brittany and Emily were in an argument and
Rachel decided to take sides. She went on Emily's side. I
remember them all turning to me and asking "Who will you go with?
Emi or Britt?" I was so shocked that I almost walked away.In
fact, I think I did try. But Brittany just grabbed me and dragged
me off, leaving Rachel and Emily alone. In the end, Brittany left
our group altogether and she probably resents all of us to this
day.

And now, these little things and so much more have affected me
emotionally. It has shaped the decisions I made and trust me when
I say; lots of those decisions are completely unlike my outward
appearance of "Little Miss Innocent".

That boy and I had gotten incredibly awkward around each other
and I found it difficult to become close to boys that I meet
since then. I would always get suspicious when they tried to get
too close to me or too friendly to me and I would now push them
away or act bitter toward them. All in an effort to keep them
from getting hurt...........................................I'm
afraid to get into strong friendships because the stronger they
are, the greater the conflicts are between us. I don't want to
have to feel that bitterness between the people I care about just
because of some stupid disagreement. And I don't want to have to
choose between people because I know that it'll just end badly
either way.

I don't want to have to feel anything like that again. And I'm
afraid that if I tell you every part of my life, that you'll one
day use it against me. Betray me. I'm afraid you'll judge the
other parts of my inner being that contradict my "Innocent
Image".