Monday, August 21, 2006

The Pompetus Of Love, Whatever The Hell That Is.

Well well well...Just call me "the Love Master!" But don't say it like this: thelovemaster. Say it like you would the word "Sassy." You know what I mean. Let's all say it together, the way it's meant: Sssssssasseeeee. And now... The luuuuuuvv MAStaaaaa.According to this, That's one area of my life where I'm not Effortlessly Average.

Notably:"Love: Your love rating is a measure of your current romantic situation. Sharing your heart with another person is one of life's most glorious, terrifying, rewarding experiences. Your love score is very high, which means you are in a very happy situation right now. Do all you can to keep it strong."Not only is my Love Score high, but it's sooo freakin' high they want my advice on how I keep myself in such lovetastic shape:"Your Love score is very high, much higher than the average. If you wouldn't mind, please take a little time to explain how you manage to succeed so well at this aspect of your life. Your words may be read by someone else who scored very low. Take a moment to give them some useful advice. Your thoughts are very much appreciated."Followed by a box in which I can imbue the masses of my enviable wisdom regarding love. And not only is it high, it's "very high" and "much higher than the average." Yeah, and that ain't all that's greater than average, baby! (note to parents who may read this: I'm talking about I.Q., ok?) Still, I always knew I had a "love thang," but now it's confirmed! The internet said so! And we all know Al Gore's invention will always lead us down the path of righteousness.Speaking of righteousness, I don't understand why the hell my Spirit score is higher than my Mind score. Wasn't I nicknamed "Spock" in college? Of course I was, but how would you know that? That's a dumb question; forget I asked. What you may know if you've read this blog for more than 5 minutes is that I'm not what one would call religious. So imagine my amazement when, after noticing my spirit score outpaced my mind score, I read this:"Spirit: Your spirit rating seeks to capture in a number that elusive quality which is found in your faith, your attitude, and your philosophy on life. A higher score indicates a greater sense of inner peace and balance. Your spirit score is relatively high, which means you are rewarded by your beliefs."Ohh-kaay. But what if you generally believe that not only is the glass half empty, but what remains is mostly backwash? And not only is it backwash, it's got those little floaty things in it that make you wonder who ate Saltines before drinking from the cup? How does their statement mesh with that? And how about the number of times I've been called to task by people who don't share my realistic view of humanity? As of this moment, my friends, I don't have to withstand the slings and arrows any longer! Now I can stand tall in my burnt sienna unitard (emphasis on "tard") with my hands on my hips and shout before the assembled congregation "I'VE GOT SPIRIT, YES I DO! I'VE GOT SPIRIT, HOW 'BOUT YOU?!"