Posts Tagged ‘homesick’

I have no idea. Maybe I should start from the end and work my way back to the beginning… that sounds easier than anything else, I guess. So here goes. I am living in Cairo, Egypt now and I love it. Busy streets, people shuffling from one place to another. All the beautiful sounds of the city, blaring and beeping from sun-up to sundown. I used to dream that I would be here someday, walking these streets. Living this life. I didn’t know how it would ever come about, but it has and I am grateful. I lived for a short time overseas and I loved it so much, but I had to leave and I always desired to return to living amongst the muslims. After returning to the US, I became severely homesick. I was so depressed that, in the end, it started affecting my marriage and my friendships, even the interaction with my children. So, I prayed and prayed about it and finally my husband agreed to let me leave by myself. I figured maybe it would be easier for me to leave and he be in charge of getting everyone over. So we chose Egypt and needless to say it was an excellent choice. There are so many opportunities for study and empowerment here.

The downfall of it all was that a great big chasm grew between my husband and I. He didn’t understand how horrible I felt that we were still in the US. And part of me blamed his adventure in polygyny for our stagnation and damnation to be stuck in darul-kufr. He spent a lot of money that could have went towards our tickets and settling in overseas. I’m sorry but that’s how I felt; that the big “P” had thrown a monkey wrench in our plans. I soon got over it and alhamdulillah was able to see things clearer, but by then the damage was done. I realized a little too late that whatever was for me; was for me and no-one or nothing could prevent me from my qadr. Not money or lack thereof, or a co-wife or the lack thereof, or anyone’s bad feeling or evil wishes. I learned that silently blaming is just as bad as shouting it to the wind. So here I am and actually here we all are. May Allah bless us all and keep our feet firmly on his path, ameen. More later I guess….

Are you still there, can you still hear my voice? I didn’t for get about you. I longed for you everyday, old friend. Change has come so swiftly and frequently that I had no time to digest it all. What has happened that has distracted me so? Well firstly, there has been some “Trouble in Paradise,” so to speak. A lot of growing pains in my marriage. I guess it’s about time, nothing stays gold forever. Also, the biggest transition, I left the US and we all currently live in Egypt. This is the bright side of my world. I finally got away and back to the lifestyle I love, that of living in a muslim land with all of it’s beauty and flaws. Pray for my success and I will pray for you. It’s been a long journey and there’s a long road ahead. I’ll try to keep you posted from now on….blessng to you all.

So I have applied to like 10 different online jobs, and so far noone has responded. I did get a position with Amazon Mechanical Turks, but a lot of the assignments are hours of work for pennies in wages. For example, I had to write an original recipe for beef short ribs and upload an original picture for a website. How much did I make? 25 cents! My husband laughs at me when I say I am “working” and makes snide remarks about my “wages”, but when I whip out his bank card at the store he has a fit. “Ummie,” (yes, he calls me Ummie) “what did you by for $6.35? You think I’m made out of money? Keep it up and I’m gonna take my card back!!!”

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!!! You’ve been threatening to do that for months!! I’m tired of having to explain every purchase I make. I can’t buy a pack of cookies without getting the third degree? Thats why I want to have my own income. FREEDOM!!!! (except the 30+ hours it will take per day to acquire said freedom).

A job will also help me in my hijrah obsession plans. I can save some money towards our tickets. My alternate plan sounds a bit desperate so I will save that for another post.

I am really hoping to do something from home so if anyone has any job leads, feel free to share. In the meantime, this position sounds a bit do-able, although it doesn’t give an end date:

Merriam Webster’s definition of a DREAM4a: a strongly desired goal or purpose <a dream of becoming president Making hijrah to an islamic country is my dream.>b: something that fully satisfies a wish : A meal that was a gourmet’s dream Studying Arabic and Qur’an is and seeing my children become hafiz quran is my dream.

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore—
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over—
like a syrupy sweet?

Everyone knows I want to go back over seas. It’s not a secret. I am very open about it. I am ready to go. I have begged, cried and pleaded with my hubby to send me away make preparations so that we can move, but his reply is “I have to do what’s best for my family. I am not going to be rushed just because you are having a tantrum about it.” My friends tell me to stop talking about it and just have patience but it is causing alot of tension in my crib. Every conversation leads to hijrah!

“Wow can you believe that gas prices are going up?…… If we made hijrah we wouldn’t have to worry about high gas prices, because we wouldn’t have to drive everywhere!”

“Do you know it took me two weeks to get one of the kids in with the dentist?…… If we were overseas one of those bad little arab kids would have knocked that achy tooth right out by now.”

Uncomfortable silence…….. “So, when are we leaving, already?

I am getting so sick of talking about it, getting upset about it, piting hope against hope and realising that….

I’m still here…

My friend said I’m a Crackhead about it. I keep saying I will stop but I can’t leave it alone…

I am trying not to get depressed, to not give up hope. I keep telling myself that Allah is sufficient, but the shaitan whispers to me that maybe my sins will prevent my prayers from being answered. But I have faith in Allah that he wll relieve me of my stress and give me what I ask. Or even better than that. I lived in a muslim country for 3 years and it became my home. I was very content there, spoiled by the public calls of prayer and the unabated, uncompromising wearers of hijab. I had begun to learn arabic language, my children were happy and at peace. Now I don’t know why I left. I know my reasons were important at the time. I assumed that what I had to do would take months. It’s going on close to a year now.

When I first came back here to america, I was culture shocked. The fast pace, the rudeness, the consumerism. I felt so strange. My kids asked me every week when were we leaving. I always thought that they missed here, missed the burgers, walmart, toys-r-us, ect. But surprisingly they were disgusted by the lack of what we all miss… Islam.