Off the Top of My Head: September 12, 2014

Joe Crawford

Aye, bonny laddies and lassies! Scotland is actually contemplating the unthinkable. They are really considering separating from the United Kingdom. The same country that gave us kilts, bagpipes, Walter Scott novels and Scott Towels is considering filing for divorce from Britain. There is a vote scheduled for mid-September and for the first time in the polling data, it isn’t looking good for a reconciliation.

Despite their best efforts, the Brits seem to be losing control of their argument to keep the Scots in the fold. If the opinion polls are to be believed, the United Kingdom will start shrinking. That means all those people at National Geographic better get to work fast and update their maps and population data. Trivial Pursuit will have to change some answers, too. The merry old gentlemen in England won’t be very happy drinking their morning tea when they find out their fellow countrymen have bolted and taken the North Sea oil and gas with them to boot. Because you see, when it really comes down to it, it’s all about the money.

So what’s a body ta do? They could go begging to them on their hands and knees not to go, I suppose. But that would only humiliate them and make them look even more pathetic. I guess the Scottish haven’t forgiven the English for all those wars they won and got their noses tweaked in the process.

So Europe will get what it richly deserves: more bureaucracy. And another one of those English-speaking countries, whose residents speak English with such a heavy accent, you’d swear it was anything but English.

England should really bend over backward if they want the Scots to stay. I would think and do like the Scottish.

How about trying to patch up relationships and using a really big roll of Scotch tape? Go to an animal shelter and adopt all the Scottish terriers you can find. Play hopscotch with all the kiddies and forget the English ales and down as much scotch as you can. At least that will help you forget for a while.

It might be a lost cause, but it’s worth a try. Why? Because the two share a long and storied history (mostly full of bloody battles in which they slaughtered thousands of each other’s men, women and children), a common government, language (sort of), and the English might lose access to all that valuable North Sea oil and gas. But mostly because of all that North Sea oil and gas.

I have always felt the trouble started when the Scots starting wearing those kilts and the English started calling them sissies. There was no use apologizing after that.

I just hope they can patch things up and let bygones be bygones. Otherwise the Scots might decide to flee the island and emigrate to America and establish a new presence on the East Coast, probably in New England somewhere like their ancestors. Oh wait. That’s already been done. After all, who hasn’t heard of the Boston Celtics?

Congratulations to this week’s winner, Becky Goodman. She correctly guessed that “1 = K. on the L.” was “1 = Knees on the Leg.” The word “knee” was listed in last week’s column.

Here is next week’s puzzle: “10 = L. T. of I.”

As usual, at least one of the words is included somewhere in the column. If you think you know the answer, submit your answer at AdVantageNews.com, under the Contests tab, click “Off the Top of My Head Answer” or call the AdVantage News answer line at (888) 532-4441 before noon on Tuesday.

Winners may choose a free lube and oil change from Drake Tire, a $26 value or a $20 gift certificate to Tony’s Restaurant in downtown Alton, Gentelin’s or Jimmy the Greek’s on Broadway in Alton.

Winners will be notified by telephone on Tuesday and must pick up their prize at AdVantage News before 4 p.m.

Also don’t forget that I am available for public speaking engagements!