History of Phone Sex

Betsy Craddock posing for a calling card, in one of her revealing
outfits.

The first phone sex was actually had on acommercial
phone sex line, created in 1875, just one year afterAlexander
Graham Bellfirst demonstrated his
invention. In a world where few ordinary telephone users wereliberalenough
to engage in explicit chat, there was a hole in the market which was just gaping
open. Ready to be filled.

Initially, there was one operator, Betsy Craddock, and her repertoire was based
around describing different ways of unfastening her hats and unbuckling her
shoes. Betsy made millions over a career that spanned six decades, and she is
widely credited with introducing generations ofyoung
Americansto the thrills of erotica.

It was not until 1918 that references to phone sex began appearing in newspapers
and magazines.World War Ihad
a huge influence on thefemale
populationas America's ladies were called on to do work and take on roles that
were outside their traditional gender expectations. The resulting empowerment
and confidence, joined with theromanticismof
being estranged from their sweethearts, (and their sweethearts' tender requests
fordirty-slut-fuck-cum-bucketletters),
meant that by the time our brave boys returned from the front, their formerly
meek and mild maidens had transformed into willing and able telephone
temptresses.

At speakeasies, cultural norms often went out of the window, and
phone sex users went 'back to back' like this fun-loving pair, using
their buttocks to stimulate each other as they conversed with their
loved ones.

It was not to last. In 1920,Woodrow
Wilson's government passed a law prohibiting phone sex. It was an extremely
divisive law, representing the schism in society between the ultra-conservative
ChristianSouthand
the almost constantlymasturbatingliberalNorth.
The law was widely unenforced, and so-calledSpeakeasybars
popped up around the country, where clients could enjoy the thrill of phone sex
with the new addedfrissonof
illegality.

The law was ultimately rescinded in 1934 byFranklin
Roosevelt, who saw the need to facilitate masturbation as a way to keep up
morale during the Great Depression. Indeed, he privately created several
so-calledAlphabet Agencies
which were devoted to encouraging business - notably the NSA, the DVDA, and the
BDSM.

The industry soon became big business in modern America, and it is nowlegalin
49 states.

In 2001, a quick thinking entrepreneur snapped up the number "69-Phone-Sex-Now"
and it quickly became theworld's
most commonly phoned number, after 666 666, the number allstonersare
liable to try to call at least once, to see if they will get through toSatanhimself.

In the last ten years, however, phone sex hotlines have suffered a loss in
trade, as more and more women have found themselves disposed to actingslutty,
meaning thebottomhas
fallen out of the market. This is thought to be due to a number of factors,
including cellular phones giving users more privacy,pornographybecoming
more available and accepted, and the Jonas Brothers' widely publicized
approbation of phone sex, not only as an alternative to losing your virginity,
but also "so you know lots of weird stuff you can do to your good Christian
husband on your sacred honeymoon night."

Famous instances of
phone sex

JFK and Marilyn

Rumors persist that Monroe enjoyed phone sex with JFK and mafia boss
Tortellini Berlusconi at the same time.

According to contemporary White House sources,John
F. Kennedytore through his notable
first hundred days as President "fuelled by speedballs and phone sex." Kennedy
noted that his preferred interlocutor,Marilyn
Monroe, was not an ideal, articulate phone sex partner. "I do these things not
because she is easy but because I am hard," he is alleged to have quipped.

President Johnson later reflected that Kennedy was "obsessed" with describingunnatural
sex actsin "copious detail" and said
he could "never look at a blonde's ass or a packet of lard the same way again."

Apollo 15

In 1971,Apollo 15astronaut
David Scott became the first person to have phone sex in his space. Infamous
1970s porn star and start of DeepthroatLinda
Lovelacehad offered to be Scott's
telephonic partner, saying, "The sight of me inhaling cock has made men come on
every continent on earth. I believe it is my destiny now to make a man on the
moon jizz in his pants."

However, Scott, apresbyterian,
elected to have phone sex with his wife, Jolinda Scott, a church administrator
who gamely managed to mantain an aura of eroticism despite having to end each of
her messages with "over". David Scott managed to steal the limelight, however,
by choosing his words carefully at the point of ejaculation: "This is one small
step forů unnnnh Houston we have a problem!"

Margaret Thatcher and 'Ronald Reagan'

TherealRonald
Reagan wiping his hand clean after phone sex.

In 1982, the strong relationship between newly elected PresidentRonald
ReaganandBritishPrime
MinisterMargaret Thatcherwas
tested over the United Kingdom's involvement in theFalklands
War. TheUnited Stateswas
concerned by the prospect ofArgentinaturning
to theSoviet Unionfor
support, and initially tried to mediate an end to the conflict, meaning that
Thatcher had to appeal to Reagan for help.

AWashingtonDJ,
Mike "The Doctor" Proctor, took advantage of the delicate situation, and
prank-called Downing Street with the aim of impersonating Reagan and coercing a
naive telephone operator into performing verbal sex acts with him. However, when
he called, he actually managed to get through to the British Prime Minister, and
cajoled her into telling him what she was wearing.

Initially Thatcher seemed open to the idea of further sex talk in exchange for
the promise of US diplomatic support, but the call ended when Proctor asked her
to let him "take her up thePanama
Canal" to which she replied "The lady's not for turning" and hung up.

The incident led to a brief frosty period between President Reagan and Thatcher,
until the former explained it couldn't have been him, because he was having
kinky bipartisan phone sex withJane
Fondaat the time.

Kanye West and Kim
Kardashian

Kim beginning phone sex with some kisses, while looking at herself
in the mirror, which is the only way she can become aroused.

Kanye West first took an interest in using telephones as a masturbatory tool
when listening to early versions ofThe
College Dropouton his cell
phone.

After eight years of abusing himself to the sound of his own music, Kanye West
met world famous buttock tumor sufferer Kim Kardashian. Their relationship was
initially not very verbal, with Kanye reduced to a slobbering wreck, unable to
say anything but "boobi-badonkadonk" for the first few months, and compensating
for his lack of eloquence by buying Kardashian extravagant gifts.

Then in the fall of 2012, after some speech rehabilitation therapy, West went on
tour withJay Z, and he Tweeted
openly about the newly telephonic nature of his sex life with Kardashian.
Despite the geographical distance between them, West managed to impregnate
Kardashian via telephone, and they are due to have a baby in July 2013.

The true nature of what happened is shrouded in mystery, with scientists
remaining skeptical about Kardashian's claims. Some suggest the possibility that
she masturbated using a phone which had traces ofsemenon
it, while others suggest that as the pair are celebrities they might have
hi-tech phones which can transfer bodily fluids electronically.

Online sex-chat vs.
Phone Sex

Skype blamed its initial low feedback scores on the disproportionate
number of 'Very bad' votes it received.

Microsoftadded the possibility of
voice conversations to Windows Live Messenger in 2001, and the third registered
voice call was used for sexual purposes, according toBill
Gates, who listens to every call just in case. The voice chat function proved
hugely popular, and masturbators around the world downloaded Messenger in record
numbers, hoping to take their cyber sexscapades to the next level. However,
Microsoft did report some user problems, most of which fell into two main
categories.

Talking to a completestrangerfelt
quite different than typing; users felt more exposed both to their
interlocutor and to the potential attentions of eavesdropping neighbors, and
did not have time to think about what they were saying as they did during
cyber sex.

Many users posing as women were not
females.

The second of these two problems was particularly common, as trolls who had had
no trouble maintaining cyber sex relationships while posing as women soon found
that their vocal impressions ofladies,
often influenced by their knowledge ofMonty
Python, were not of a similar convincing quality.

The problem also affected Messenger's then rivalSkype,
which even included the possibility on its feedback screen. (See right.)

Despite these teething problems, online voice chat technology had a massive
impact, and split the phone sex world in half, which is ironically what many
male phone sex users threaten to do to their female interlocutors. Traditional
users refused to recognize online sex chat asbonafide
phone sex, and dubbed themselvesPhonies,
while those embracing the MSN/Skype era called themselvesTalkies.

In the last ten years, online friction between the groups has been almost
constant, and has occasionally escalated into trolling and cyber attacks.

Something of a truce was called in 2012 when Matt Furnace, owner ofwww.talkietothehand.comwrote
an emotional blog about the effect the 'war' was having on his life, culminating
in the often quoted lines: "Can't we just get back to masturbating, either on
the phone or online? I honestly don't care any more. I'm tired of coming on here
every day to deal with the latest attacks from them, or looking over the latest
attacks from us. I just want to talk to a girl and jerk off. That's what any
form of mass communication, be it the telephone or the internet, is basically
for."

Colorado ban and
massacre

One recipient of anaughty
phone callin
Colorado holds up her two wandering fingers guiltily, having brought
herself to orgasm.

In October 2011,Barack Obamaspoke
out in favor of the idea that public sector workers would become more efficient
if phone sex were not alegal
distraction.

On December 3, the sameyear, he
piloted the scheme inColoradobanning
all forms of phone sex, while introducing a system of fines for anyone caught
getting "too frisky" with sexting.

Riots broke out almost immediately as thirtyhornyteensfought
back against four policemen who busted them having group phone sex in a railway
station in the the city ofDenver. By
the time themassacreended,
twenty of the teenagers had been shot dead, two were in need of anabortion
and one had to have a text message physically removed from an unusual place.

President Obama would not be moved on whether or not the disaster meant that the
pilot program would not be repeated elsewhere, but did admit at a press
conference, "It has not played out as we would have liked."

The families of the thirty horny teens received warning that any further
incidents of phone sex would result in either theirexileordeath
by the electric chair, pending Congressional voting results.

The future for phone sex

Group sex never looked so enticing.

With thethreatof
new technology set to make the phone obsolete, the long term outlook looks bleak
for phone sex. It is only a matter of time before video chat applications become
so high quality that the emphasis of the art will move away from the verbal and
towards the visual. As veteran phone sexer Graham Trent recently wrote in his
blog, "Who cares how many synonyms you know for carress, or how sensual yourmoans
and groansare when the camera
creates an image that speaks a thousandwords,
and makes your belly turn over and squirt?"

One positive thing is that the 20 bodies of thedeadyoungsters
in Colorado are still warm, and in some cases moist. While this massacre is
fresh in the memory, phone sex will endure in the short term as it is unlikely
to face any large scale bans.

And come what may in the future it has secured its place in erotic history. For
the past 150 years it has provided millions of men and hundreds, perhaps
thousands of women with an aural stimulus formasturbation,
and when it does finally become a thing of the past, it is certain to be
replaced by an intensified form of sex aid which will owe much to the legacy of
Alexander Graham Bell and Betsy Craddock. Maybe like a sexhologrammachine
or something.