'WTF is this Clown Talking About?'

He is a goat activist who believes that the legend of the Chupacabra is just a red herring invented by those who ritualistically abuse goats. He feels that it is a sickness akin to Cow Tipping Syndrome, and need to be thrust into the national media in order to get the proper funding and attention. In A Days.

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Well I'm not sure about how much "thrusting" needs to be done. But I am quite certian that the Chupacabra is a terrifying heap of horse crap (no, not literally). While there is compelling data related to suspicous animal deaths (particularly where livestock has bled out), these occurances are not unique to the latin american nations that identify the chupacabra as the culprit.

Cattle mutilations, for example, occur from California, to Argentina, across the atlantic ocean to the UK and beyond. These incidents are more closely affiliated with crop circles and apparent extra terrestrial activity than with some sort of half goat gargoyle thing. Now any old nutcase discussion show host could hypothisize a collusion between the supposed chupacabra and the supposed aliens, but that would just be silly. Considering that the people of Puerto Rico have yet no knowledge of flight or air travel (think The Gods Must Be Crazy) it makes sense that they would credit a terrestrial creature rather than beings from beyond our world.

Any half way reasonable adult in todays day and age must be aware the the chupacabra is a an old wives tale (and a really stupid one at that). But the myth perpetuates. Why? Because there are people out there with a vested interest in you believing that it's real. The first shady characters pulling the pupet strings are, again, the latin american drug cartels. Complex and barabaric slayings are a ritualized and integral aspects of the cartels campaign of intimidation. A mythological baby eater makes the perfect scapegoat when legal autorities drift to near to the truth.

Young single mothers are equally responsibility for the continued tradition of the chupacabra. Similar to the drug cartels, single mothers employ a tradition of intimidation and abuse to control their young children. When mommy wants to go out on the town without the kiddies she tells a chupacabra stories that sends the children diving under their covers, and often times unwilling to leave their beds for weeks on end.

But ultimately and most prevailantly the legend of the chupacabra is invoked by serial goat ******s. Goat fugging dates back hundreds of years in the nation of Scottland (where goats are considered holy and sacred). Sometime within the last century some drunken latinos must have been vacationing on the green ile and taken a little to kindly to the local traditions. The aforementioned gentelmen returned home only to tell their five thousand friends and relatives about the joys of goat fugging. The fad caught on like a wild fire.

Unfortunatly, given the lack of respect and reverence for the goat south of the border, goats began to come forward and name names. The accused were publicly humiliated, and often imprisonsed for their transgressions. Public awareness grew and the spectre of goat fugging became a less and less socially acceptable form of entertainment.

As goat fugging became a more and more stigmatized practice only the most heinouse and rejected members of society continued. As the social standing of goat ******s plummeted the level of violence associated with goat fugging increased exponentially. Goat ******s began to torture, kill and maime their victims to ensure their silence. Then some goat ******s somewhere realized that the stupid azz latin mafia and dumb azz single mothers were still perpetuating the myth of the chupacabra and it became the perfect scapegoat. Many a brown skinned man has looked down on the corpse of a goat he banged just the night before and assured his family that the chupacabra was responsible.

New York Sewer Gators; Hoarder of ‘New York White’, or animal disposal gone wrong:
That is the topic for today’s episode of 'WTF is this Clown Talking About?'. I am your host Concudan, now let us meet our panel of experts:

He is a reptile expert who believes that the New York Sewer Gator is a special creature that deserves to be understood. He is fond of saying ‘Criky’ (pronounced cry-key), and chasing floaters through the ichors in the sewers. He has long sought the great stash of ‘New York White’, (documented by folklorist Richard M. Dorson, this icon of sewer lore, the mythical "New York White" -- an especially potent, albino strain of marijuana growing wild from seeds spilled out of baggies hastily flushed down toilets during drug raids.) that is rumored to grow in the darkest depths of the New York shite-ways. His pioneering designs in man purses made from the skin of reptiles have caused many to question his goals, both in private and in the media. SDC.

He believes that the sewers have to be cleared of these great reptilian menaces . He has been credited with organizing the Sewer-gators Urban Militia British Intelligence Technical Creature Hunters (S.U.M.B.I.T.C.H) to clear out the gators, who he blames for the death of his little brother. As published in his online essay at BoltTalk.com he has made claims that his little brother, while abducted by rogue Garden Gnomes, sold to the French wing of ChupBLA, was then ritualistically fed to the great white New York sewer gator Tim, by a drunken Norwegian Bridge Troll after a night of binging on refined foot fungus. BoltfanUK

He believes that there are no alligators in the New York Sewers, pointing out that the cold and dark would lead to an almost immediate death for these aquatic reptiles. However he hastens to point out that the great white things seen in the darkness below the New York streets is actually the Flukeman. He points out that the documentary X-Files, THE HOST, in which the existence of the Flukeman is proven, that these sad new creatures caused by the mixing of fluke, and Russian sailors DNA, from spending time around dirty reactors aboard Russian submarines are the real culprits in the shite-ways under New York. He goes on to claim that these creatures, while needing a human host to propagate, which kills the host, they are to be pitied and allowed to exist. He also says that a series of barters could be worked out to trade hosts for "New York White". In A Days

She is a Sewer Gator rights activist who believes that the string of cat and dog attacks are the work Sewer Gators that are tired of eating rats, homeless people and the occasional Garden Gnome on the run. She believes that the Sewer Gators have evolved into a new species that should be protected. She further points out that the rise in demand of Sewer Gator hide products will lead to the eventual extinction of these great beasts, and a loss of the “New York White” bumper crop, which would cause the Iconic figure ‘Trumpetman’ to have a mental collapse, and the end of Ganja-Blanco society that has started up in the hills west of Lake Ellsinore, California. She believes any gators caught in New York should be returned to the sewers in which they thrive. Carrie.

He believes that only through the use of the Sewer Gators hide can these vicious denizens of the dark shite-ways below New York be properly defended. He has organized several hunts, and is credited for being the inventor of the Sewer Gator automotive bra. He states that the use of illegal large caliber rounds on ‘them reptiliun critters’ is the only humane way ‘ta kill tha dern beasties’. He is also famous for his ‘Gator ball soup’ in which he uses the tentacles of the male Sewer Gator, which he has dubbed ‘New York City Oysters’ to make ‘a right gourmet soup’. He has been accused repeatedly by PETA of multiple acts of shameless violence against animals, and has been backed by the San Fransico Bay Wildman BoltDieHard on many of his hunts. Shamrock.

Our last expert will not be joining us. He disappeared on his last fact finding mission on the ‘Sewer Gators. It is rumored that he found the fields of “New York White” and is currently experimenting with the albino weed, laced with refined Norwegian Bridge Troll Foot Fungus. leisure.

Commentary:
Sewer alligator stories are part of an urban legend that date back to the late 1920s and early 1930s. They are based upon reports of alligator sightings in rather unorthodox locations, in particular New York City.

Some claim they are real others a myth. The fact is this wont die or go away, no matter how many Shammy and BDH send packin ‘ta hell’. That is the topic of the day, I now open the floor for debate.

Lets open the floor for discussion. New York Sewer Gators? Want to know more? Click here:

As has been stated by our esteemed host, the suggestion that there is a sustained population of any kind of aquatic reptile in the sewers of New York is absurd. Large reptiles, being cold blooded, would quickly perish as the temperature plummets in the winter time. In the cold dark of the sewers there simply isn't enough energy to keep a large reptile moving and (though their energy consumption is similarly reduced) they would likely starve before things begin to warm back up in the spring time.

Additionally, there would seem to be a shortage of undigested food in the sewers. There are no documented fish or amphibian populations under the streets of new york to sustain any population of large predators. While the flushed pet 'gator may make an occasional appearance (usually leaving the sewers seeking warmth and food), these are purely isolated incidents and there is no self sustaining population.

None of this, however, answers the question of what is really going on down there? The obvious conclusion is, of course, flukemen. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the strange and terrifying creatures... a little background.

In 1994 a corpse was pulled from the sewers of upper manhattan. At first glance it appeared that the body had been there for quite some time as the flesh had lost all pigment and assumed an exceptionally spongy texture. But upon closer examination it appeared that the body had undergone massive and inexplicable physical transformations. The eyes were enlarged, apparently to enhance vision in the poorly lit catacombs under the city. The mandibles had undergone serious change and the human mouth was replaced with four hook-like teeth surrounded a sucker shaped mouth. Fingers and toes had developed webbing and a set of newly developed gills was begining to protrude from the creatures chest and neck.

Genetic analysis and the faded remnance of a tatoo revealed that the creature had once been Vladimir Smirnoff, a deck hand on the Russian freight-liner "Drunk Pinko". Shortly thereafter the theory was presented that Mr. Smirnoff had been infected by a radioactively altered fluke (a very small, fleshy parasite). The altered fluke literally recoded the deck hand's DNA and the flukeman race was brought into being.

Some have suggested that the impending threat of a flukeman takeover of New York is reason enough to attempt to exterminate these new creatures. But seriously, New Yorkers are f-ing a-holes and I wish they'd all go live in the sewers anyways.

Australian Drop Bear; tourist eating killing machine, or Koala on PMS?
That is the topic for today’s episode of 'WTF is this Clown Talking About?'. I am your host Concudan, now let us meet our panel of experts:

He is a survivor of the great red rock drop bear riots of ‘02. He was fundamental in bringing drop bear information to the front page of the enquirer, and taking it from Austrailias ’dirty little secret’ to world travel advisory status. He debunks the idea that drop bears are merely pygmy sasquatch as Thumper contends, instead see them as an evolutionary jump in Australia’s marsupial population. His tireless work on the internet, and in various goth chat rooms has lead to his current reputation as the Drop Bear Drop Kicker. SDC.

He believes that the only good Drop Bear is a dead Drop Bear. He has made claims that the Drop Bear is really just a pygmy sasquatch who have been chased out of the Pacific North West by amateur big foot hunters. They only seek to live, and their food of choice is the brains of their prey. That is why this Bearologist believes that the Drop Bear could never be a true threat to humans, as the brain size of humans would never support creatures like this in great numbers. He also points out that the Drop Bear attacks are probably aboriginal garden gnomes who have been carrying on an uprising since the British turned Australia into a penal colony. Thumper

He believes that the drop bears protect their young and the fungus that grows in their arboreal nests. The fungus, which this person believes has a definite medicinal value to ‘mellow a man out real quick man…’ and should be research repeatedly, daily, and with purpose of getting mellow. He is a tireless researcher in the greater uses of drugs, and doest really believe in the drop bear, but anywhere he can get a possible high, is where you will find him. TrumpetMan

She is a Drop Bear rights activist who believes that the of tourist attacks are actually caused by the giant goanna, whom mistakes the tourists as oversized rock grubs. She goes on to say that the goanna is notoriously near sighted and cant tell a rock grub from a person. She believes that the Drop Bear is the Australian version of ‘the little pink elephant’ citing that elephants have never lived in Australia due to a mix up in their visa papers. Chispa.

He believes that the atrocities blamed on the Drop Bear are nothing more than the work of the friendly Koalas on the rag. He believes that the Australian mascot is disgruntles over recent commercials that do not include him. He feels that until local law enforcement starts to investigate the Koala gang of the greater Sydney area, the ‘Koas’, there will be no end to the atrocities heaped on tourists and blamed on the friendly, misunderstood Drop Bear. In_a-Days.

Commentary:
Latin name-throatis removes
Drop Bears are the more vicious, carnivorous relative of the Koala Bear (Phascolarctos cinereus), whom they very closely resemble. They are generally slightly larger than the average Koala, and some specimens have been reported to grow as large as the extinct Giant Koala (Phascolarctos stirtoni).

They differ from the average Koala in several aspects. Firstly, they have a more aggressive temperament. Secondly, their hindquarters are heavier, with the pelvis bone being extremely dense. And lastly, their primary diet is meat, supplemented by tree leaves.

These features have combined to lead to an interesting passive-aggressive hunting method. The Drop bear will wait in a suitable tree, looking like an ordinary Koala Bear. When a suitable animal passes beneath it, it will drop from the tree onto the head of the animal, momentarily stunning its prey with its rather dense posterior. The Drop bear will then endeavour to disable its prey, by grabbing on with its rear claws, and slashing out the eyes and throat with its front claws. If, as usually happens, the Drop bear stuns the animal from the fall but falls off immediately afterwards, it will quickly switch tactics and attempt to hamstring the animal's rear legs with its front claws.

Having stopped the animal from escaping (too quickly), the Drop bear will then attempt scoop out the animal's intestines, using its claws to hold onto the animal's midsection. The Dropbear is fairly fast over short distances (20m), but it is usually content to amble after the stricken animal until the animal collapses from its initial injuries.
This attack is usually successful, however sometimes the Drop bear's poor vision in daylight means that it misses the prey animal altogether, the sound of the Drop bear's impact with the ground startling the animal out of the Drop bear's visual range. Smell and Hearing, on the other hand, are very acute.

Whilst attacks by the Drop bear on Humans are rare, they are usually fatal owing to the nature of the initial attack, and the Drop bear's preference for single victims. Many bushwalkers have reported close encounters with Drop bears, usually along the lines of 'and the cute Koala fell right out of its tree; I was so frightened I ran away'. These bushwalkers rarely know how lucky they are to have survived.
It is recommended that Bushwalkers wear a sturdy hat, and put on sunscreen and/or Aeroguard. Drop bears do not appear to like the smell of most sunscreens or Aero guard, and a good hat (NOT tied around the neck) has been reported as being invaluable when the Dropbear lands and grips. Bushwalkers should be prepared to run away immediately after the sound of an impact, and to drop their pack as a decoy against the Drop bear chasing after them.