Why Not Museums? is (or are) a charity working to promote and co-ordinate museums as a destination of tourism and casual learning amongst Britons and visitors to Britain.

We are looking for a Marketing Co-ordinator to work with us in promoting the name of Why Not Museums? and in developing our brand to position ourselves as a key portal for those considering a trip to a museum, or those that would never consider a trip to a museum who really should consider… uh… that.

The museum. As a consideration.

We want the key question on everyone’s lips to be “Why Not Museums?”

“Why Not Museums?”
“That is an excellent plan for a day-trip.”

And for that to be the answer as well.

“What shall we do today?”
“Why Not Museums?”

It works as both a question and an answer.

For example, if you’ve got the vast open emptiness of a bank holiday looming ahead of you, “Why Not Museums?”

If you want to learn about stuff that you might find in a museum, “Why Not Museums?”

If you’re considering buying a sofa or a whippet or something, “Why Not Museums?” (You might find some moment of clarity in a museum.)

If you’re asking “Why Not Museums?”, “Why Not Museums?” Like a mum would ask “Why Not Museums?”, and then the dad would say “Why Not Museums?”. A homely scene.

She would say “Why Not Museums?” and then he would say “Why Not Museums?”

The Bamborough Arts Institute in Deptford is looking for a Non-Formal Learning Co-ordinator to mastermind educational opportunities for young people and adults around our comprehensive arts collection.

We are also looking for someone to do the same, whilst wearing a bow-tie.

It is an exciting opportunity to establish learning pathways with young people and adults, some of whom come from the most impoverished areas in the South-East. Our programmes enable everyone to use art to facilitate their learning in a way that suits each individual – either through discussion, imaginative exercises and creative response to artistic works; or through inflexible textbook copying at the end of a disciplinarian slipper.

You will work with key external partners to develop methods of delivering access to people who would not traditionally turn to the Bamborough art collection for learning, and encourage them to participate in our programme – either by cooking them a cake and having a pyjama party; or by slapping them hard across their stupid faces, barking obscenities into their wide, cow-like eyes, and demanding ever-increasing amounts of sit-ups that they must do to prove their worth.

Please send either a typed CV with full job history and two references, or a picture of your face made with Fuzzy Felt.

I am a painter in oils in the artistic enclave of St Ives, Cornwall. I’m looking for an inspirational muse for a new series of paintings. You must possess an indefinable grace and poise, with a cheeky yet harrowing quality, and also be fugly.

I’m looking for someone with an almost-indiscernible gleam of defiance behind their eyes – someone who could lead armies into battle with but an imperceptible circle of their shoulder, and a casually-parted lip.

And a face like a welder’s bench.

Gender is not important. Age is not important. Class is not important. Hair colour is not important. Skin tone is not important. Build is not important.

A face is important.

A face with character, with charm, with flair; with its nose on all wrong, one eye chillingly larger than the other, and hefty tufts of hair in places that it should never be.

A face fit for falling on.

The main emotion I wish to engender in an audience is: “HOLY SHIT! WHAT IS THAT? THAT CAN’T BE REAL! HOLY SHIT!”

As a painter in the New New New Grotesque style, I take elements from the Grotesque school, the New Grotesque school, and the New New Grotesque school, but refresh it with modern elements to make images undeniably New New New Grotesque-esque.

My work has been described as “Jenny Saville meets Lucian Freud in Picasso’s Guernica, and takes him to tea in a battle-ravaged tea shop with Beryl Cook” (St Ives AdverStIvesr).

Previous work included a triptych entitled “Bell / Biv / DeVoe”, and work with another fugly model “This Is What It Looks Like When Love Is Blind”.

Oh, and applicants should also be comfortable with appearing in the nip.

After six long years of service, we have fatally bruised our current Lackey here at the British Finger Museum in Stow-on-the-Wold, so we’re looking for a new one.

The British Finger Museum is the only museum on mainland Great Britain solely dedicated to fingers. (That one in Jersey is thinly-veiled pornography.)

Visitors to the BFM are led down the Tunnel of Knuckles before being shown the BFM Hall of Fame, featuring colour photocopied pictures of some of the most famous fingers in history and culture. Literally no aspect of fingers is left unpoked by our challenging and at some points gruelling displays.

NEW FOR 2010! “HITLER’S FINGER: Pushing the Allies’ Buttons” exhibit, on loan from the Dusseldorf Medical Institute. Featuring a plaster-cast of what could possibly be Hitler’s actual finger, and a genuine Nazi button!

Our prospective Lackey must be short. They must be able to weave round the Finger Forest with ease whilst bringing us drinks. They must be hardy. Anyone with heart complaints instantly rejected. Love of fingers and finger-related exhibits a distinct advantage, as is living in or near Stow-On-The-Wold.

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Not Real Arts Jobs is the foremost portal on the Internet for jobs within the Arts which are not real. The jobs posted tend to be based in the UK.
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