Monday, March 16, 2009

"BAZOOKA JOE MOVIE?"

About 15 years ago, my niece Wendy...who was 15 years younger than she is now...was throwing around the term "retro" a lot. Finally, I asked her what retro meant and she said, "Uncle Steve, you're so retro that you don't even know what it means."

These days, I'm still retro and couldn't believe my own ears when I heard that a computer software company is producing 3-D baseball cards. In an attempt to cater (cash-in on) to the computer gamer mentality, these cards when seen by a PC's web-cam, will display a 3-D image of a given player on the computer screen. In addition to being able to turn the player 360 degrees, the user can make the card do some tasks that will include...taking batting practice...geez, what do you do after the first four minutes?

The firm's gung-ho representative went as far as saying that the sports card hobby died because of the computer. He implied that traditional cards became obsolete because the stats on the back are no longer exclusively found there. He used the statistics as his sole argument and then added, with his technology, the computer which killed the hobby, will now resurrect it.

He can put any positive spin on his product he likes but you don't have to be a genius to know the real reason why the card collecting hobby died...it was greed. In addition to astronomical player salaries (and player strikes/work stoppages in the name of more money and better benefits) forcing ticket prices to soar beyond most family budgets... live sports became increasingly parochial and this narrowness of scope (corporate entertainment) kept the continuing life-line of sports...new generations of fans...away. By the time this trend filtered down to the collecting of cards...this long-time kid's hobby became a money mongers paradise. And after the cards became too costly for kids to afford, the hobby collapsed onto itself.

I know I'm a relic of the past but...sports cards were meant to bring kids together; to compare, trade and more importantly play with. Nothing could compare with the rush when you saw the look on your friends face when he opened a pack, and four out of five were Marv Throneberry! Cards were never intended to shunt kids away so they would view or interact with them on a computer...they were meant to be TOYS !

BEFORE THE AGE OF SPORTS MEMORABILIA AND HIGH PRICED AUTOGRAPHS, SPORTS CARDS WERE HANDLED AND PLAYED WITH REGARDLESS OF WHAT MEGA-STAR WAS ON THEM.

Sports card games like flipping, long tossing, fluttering off a wall or matching (colors, teams, positions or first names) where highlights of free time all year long. If you were alone cards were a great companion on long car rides, when mom dragged you to the department store while she spent hours trying on clothes or if you were sick. Even at the end of a full day, you could still occupy yourself by forming teams, filling out check-lists or creating your own games. I liked drawing on mine. Blacking-out teeth was a favorite, but I also drew alien antennas, dunce-caps and put arrows through the heads of players I didn't like. In my earliest stages of creative writing, I wrote terrible things like; you stink or any one of its countless synonyms like: bum, scrubbeanie, dukey or Canarsie's favorite; schlock-meister...hey, I never said I was sophisticated when I was seven...plus it was way before I became fluent in profanity.

I think my friends and I were also swayed by the bubble gum that came in each sport card pack. In its ripest form, the carnation pink rectangle of gum was pliable with a thin layer of sugar dust on each piece. However, most of the time the gum was hard. And when it was hard, sometimes it attached itself to the top card and left an indelible "gum-stain." Some kids put the stale gum in their mouth until it softened but I didn't like it soft or hard. When it came to bubble-gum...Bazooka was the only way to go. Sure there were ersatz competitors like, Fleer and Dubble-Bubble but they didn't do a thing for me!

BAZOOKA AND ME ARE SO OLD, THAT I COULDN'T FIND THE PENNY-A-PIECE WRAPPER.

Bazooka was...in its most popular form, a one-cent, inch-square. It had an indentation in the middle...presumably to make it easier to split in half. I guess there were some kids who wanted to "save some for later" but I never associated with anyone like that! Otherwise the only other splitting situation involved the rare combination of; a younger sibling and especially frugal/ over-bearing parents.

The other advantage Bazooka had was its tiny waxy comic. In tiny print that tested the eyesight of sharpshooters, a paneled child-friendly comic featured Bazooka Joe, the eye-patched kid and his gang of friends...and foes. And if that wasn't enough empty calories and reading material...in much smaller print...a parable...similar to a fortune cookie was hidden below the last panel.

FORGET THE FORTUNE, YOU NEED A MICROSCOPE TO READ THE COMIC !

These numbered comics were also collector items and some kids (in the Aristocracy) sent huge amounts of them...together with cash...for inane prizes. I did not come from the Aristocracy...I was never permitted to send away for anything...but I did covet the set of 198 paper army soldiers...I can still hear my mother say (scream), "What do you think, money grows on trees?"

My actual memory of Bazooka Joe and his cronies is nearly zero. Even with the Internet spelling things out, I just don't remember. Of course I wasn't much of a student so reading in my spare time was unlikely but the reason I prefer to think is...cavities. Chewing Bazooka used to cause me tremendous tooth pain. My Swiss Cheese-like teeth had so many holes in them that by the time I was ten...there wasn't any more room for new cavities. So because Bazooka was 113.2% sugar and I could feel the agony of my teeth corroding with each bite, I went cold turkey and kicked the Bazooka habit.

To my surprise, I recently learned that a Bazooka Joe full-length movie is now in the conception stage. I researched the net and found no information so I can't tell if its intended to be animated or not. However, I was surprised to read how many characters have been in these comics. So I guess that can squeeze-out a film. Hey they made a bad TV show about the Geico cavemen and awful movies about the "LITTLE RASCALS" and "SGT. BILKO" so why not Bazooka Joe.

I guess it wouldn't interest my progressive niece Wendy or anyone who never motorized their bike by clothes-pinning a baseball card to the spokes...but if you're as retro as I am...who knows...maybe it'll be profitable to make a politically correct, computer-generated "TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA; SUPER-HERO" TV show or an all black cast "F TROOP" movie or a "SECRET ASIAN MAN" mini-series.

NEIL ARMSTRONG - ASTRONAUNT (1930-2012)

MARCEL MARCEAU - MIME, ACTOR (1923-2007)

"FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALL MIGHTY, I'M FREE AT LAST." and "DARKNESS CANNOT DRIVE OUT DARKNESS. ONLY LIGHT CAN DO THAT. HATE CANNOT DRIVE OUT HATE. ONLY LOVE CAN DO THAT." and "I HAVE A DREAM THAT MY FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN WILL ONE DAY LIVE IN A NATION WHERE THEY WILL NOT BE JUDGED BY THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN, BUT BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER."

LINDSAY NELSON - SPORTSCASTER - (1919-1995)

"THEY, (THE 1962, NEW YORK METS), PLAYED FOR FUN, BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T PLAY ANY OTHER WAY."

SAM LEVENSON - HUMORIST-JOURNALIST (1911-1980)

IF YOU DIE IN AN ELEVATOR, BE SURE TO PRESS THE "UP" BUTTON.

BUDDHA (SIDDHARTHA GAUTAMA) - SPIRITUAL TEACHER (c. 563 BC - 483 BC)

"THOUSANDS OF CANDLES CAN BE LIT FROM A SINGLE CANDLE, AND THE LIFE OF THE CANDLE WILL NOT BE SHORTENED. HAPPINESS NEVER DECREASES BY BEING SHARED." and "YOU CAN SEARCH THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE FOR SOMEONE MORE DESERVING OF YOUR LOVE AND AFFECTION THAN YOU ARE YOURSELF AND THAT PERSON IS NOT TO BE FOUND ANYWHERE. YOU YOURSELF, AS MUCH AS ANYBODY IN THE UNIVERSE, DESERVE YOUR LOVE AND AFFECTION."

MOTHER TERESA - NUN & MISSIONARY (1910-1997)

"I KNOW GOD WILL NOT GIVE ME ANYTHING I CAN'T HANDLE, I JUST WISH HE DIDN'T TRUST ME SO MUCH."

SHIRLEY JACKSON - AUTHOR (1916-1965)

"I HAVE OFTEN NOTICED THAT ONE CAN OBSERVE WITH DETATCHMENT, SIGHTS THAT WHEN PUT INTO WORDS BECOME DISGUSTING."

MALCOLM X. - CIVIL RIGHTS ACTIVIST, CLERGYMAN (1925-1965)

"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SO BLIND WITH PATRIOTISM THAT YOU CAN'T FACE REALITY. WRONG IS WRONG NO MATTER WHO SAYS IT OR DOES IT."

MEL BLANC - VOICE ACTOR, COMEDIAN (1908-1989)

"THAT'S ALL FOLKS!"

MUHAMMAD ALI - BOXER, SOCIAL ACTIVIST (1942-Present)

"I AM THE GREATEST."

JACKIE GLEASON - ACTOR, COMEDIAN (1916-1987)

"THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO WITH MONEY... IS SAVE IT."

JAWAHARLAL NEHRU - 1st PRIME MINISTER OF INDIA - 1889-1964

"LIFE IS LIKE A GAME OF CARDS, THE HAND YOU ARE DEALT IS DETERMINISM. THE WAY YOU PLAY IT, IS FREE WILL."

HARRY TRUMAN - 33RD U.S. PRESIDENT - (1884-1972)

"IT'S A RECESSION WHEN YOUR NEIGHBOR LOSES HIS JOB; IT'S A DEPRESSION WHEN YOU LOSE YOURS."

EDGAR ALLAN POE - AUTHOR (1809-1849)

"I HAVE NO FAITH IN HUMAN PERFECTABILITY. I THINK THAT HUMAN EXERTION WILL HAVE NO APPRECIABLE EFFECT UPON HUMANITY. MAN IS NOW ONLY MORE ACTIVE-NOT MORE HAPPY-NOR WISE, THAN HE WAS 6000 YEARS AGO."

CONFUCIUS - SOCIAL PHILOSOPHER - (551 BC - 479 BC)

"NEVER IMPOSE ONTO OTHERS WHAT YOU WOULD NOT CHOOSE FOR YOURSELF."

RODNEY DANGERFIELD - ACTOR - COMEDIAN - (1921-2004)

MY LUCK IS SO BAD, IF I INVESTED IN A CEMETERY, PEOPLE WOULD STOP DYING....Dangerfield's Tombstone, "THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD."

ZSA ZSA GABOR - ACTRESS - (1917-PRESENT)

"I NEVER HATED A MAN ENOUGH TO GIVE BACK HIS DIAMONDS."

RONALD REAGAN - 40th U.S. PRESIDENT - ACTOR (1911-2004)

"IT HAS BEEN SAID THAT POLITICS IS THE SECOND OLDEST PROFESSION. I HAVE LEARNED THAT IT BEARS A STRIKING RESEMBLENCE TO THE FIRST.'

HASKEL "HY" EDELBLUM - FATHER, ROLE MODEL, ARTIST (1928-1995)

"IF SOMEONE IS TALKING TO THEM SELF AND YOU ANSWER, THEN THEY AREN'T TALKING TO THEM SELF."

OPRAH WINFREY TV Host, Producer, Philantropist (1954 to Present)

"CHEERS TO A NEW YEAR AND ANOTHER CHANCE TO GET IT RIGHT." and "YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL. YOU JUST CAN'T HAVE IT ALL AT ONCE."

ERMA BOMBECK - AUTHOR, HUMORIST (1927-1996)

SHOPPING IS A WOMAN THING. IT'S A CONTACT SPORT LIKE FOOTBALL. WOMEN ENJOY THE SCRIMMAGE, THE NOISY CROWDS, THE DANGER OF BEING TRAMPLED TO DEATH AND THE ECSTASY OF THE PURCHASE.

TRUMAN CAPOTE - AUTHOR, HUMORIST (1924-1984)

LIFE IS A MODERATELY GOOD PLAY WITH A BADLY WRITTEN THIRD ACT.

CLARENCE DARROW - LAWYER (1857-1938)

AS LONG AS THE WORLD SHALL LAST THERE WILL ALWAYS BE WRONGS AND IF NO MAN OBJECTED AND NO MAN REBELLED, THESE WRONGS WOULD LAST FOREVER.