Doctor Says Constipation Killed Elvis

Just in time to promote his new book, Elvis Presley’s longtime doctor, George Nichopoulos has decided to announce that he thinks constipation killed Elvis, not the heart attack on the john that for years has been explained as the king’s undoing. Apparently the doctor inspected Elvis’ kingly butthole when he died, and found that his colon was way bigger than it should have been:

“We didn’t realize until the autopsy that his constipation was as bad – we knew it was bad because it was hard for us to treat, but we didn’t realize what it had done,” the doctor explains of Elvis’ condition. “We just assumed that the constipation was secondary to the meds that he was taking for his arthritic pain and for his insomnia.”

According to Dr. Nick, the autopsy revealed that Presley’s colon was 5 to 6 inches in diameter (whereas the normal width is 2 to 3 inches) and instead of being the standard 4 to 5 feet long, his colon was 8 to 9 feet in length.

Way to honor your friend’s legacy, dude. Revealing that someone’s colon was enormous without factual substantiation after they die is just the worst. But here’s the question, why didn’t you just give the guy Ex-Lax, or have him have colon surgery? You were his doctor, right? Well, he explains it this way:

“The constipation upset him quite a bit because Elvis thought that he could handle almost anything, he thought he was really a man’s man and he wasn’t going to let something like this … he thought that this was a sign of weakness and he wasn’t going to be weak,” Nichopoulos said. “And it’s not the kind of thing you table talk. Back in the ‘60s and ‘70s you didn’t’ talk about constipation much, you didn’t’ hear people complaining about it, or saying what they did or how much trouble they had with it.”