Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Pirates Get More Booty

Pirates certainly are a musical bunch. While they spend most of their time at sea avoiding the Spanish Armada and gigantic, radioactive squids they do have a lot of down time where they get to prance around in colourful garb and belch out their favourite Gilbert & Sullivan medley, swigging rum and throwing up. Sure, there's a bit of raping and pillaging along the way but no more than your average Brisbane Lions football player on a Saturday night. Of course, back in the 17th Century, instead of buying the girls' silence the pirates tended to just kill them and any potential witnesses. Times were simpler back then.

"Bloodthirsty" Mick and his "2 Live Crew" sing their version of Booty-licious

Singing buccaneers are a lot rarer to find these days. Technically one need not be a Barbary Corsair in 1815 to be a pirate as they still exist today (the latest reported incident -Danish bulk carrier Danica White- being in June of this year somewhere near the coast of Somalia) often armed with sub-machine guns and trained dolphins. Let's ignore them for now and instead celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day!

How Can I Help Celebrate Talk Like A Pirate Day?

Simple. Although it helps if you haven't bathed for a while to truly get in the mood all you need to do is don an eye-patch and say 'Arrrr' a lot. Oh, and when you ask your friends if they want to join you, you ask them if they want to be part of your lethal seamen.

Won't I Get Fired If I Do This?

It...helps if you take the day off. It is a bit difficult to type wearing an eye-patch and if you work as a diplomat or a switchboard operator for emergency services or an orderly at an asylum you may indeed get fired.

Are There Any Other Dangers Associated With This Day I Should Be Aware Of?

Aside from the gigantic radioactive squids you mean?

Yes

You'll find it really hard to order pizza. Or hail a cab. You have to watch out for those pesky Goonies who are trying to steal your gold. Your pet parrot may attack your eye. If you walk into a bank you will find a deathly silence fall all around you and one of the tellers will probably call the cops and the cops will shoot you down dead.

It Seems Like A Pretty Stupid Day To Celebrate Then

...and you'll have to be on alert for the traditional enemies of pirates: the ninjas.

'I'll let you touch my sack but you have to tell me where those blastard ninjas are.'

Are You Yanking My Chain?

No, no, no. Pirates have been rivals with ninjas for years. There is still a debate as to who will win of the two groups. Personally I think us pirates could beat the snot out of those dorks wearing black pyjamas.

GB- Didn't H.Nelson have a thing going on with Flag Captain Hardy? Reports of kissing, rubbing each others' thighs and occasional instances of tickling have been exaggerated over the years but....well, one tends to wonder.

Keira Knightly is sort of annoying actually. Some guys would like to 'make sex with her nightly' but she's a bit skinny for my liking.

Yawn- Do drink. It makes your comments a whole lot more unpredictable.

It's a nice idea but a little unfair for pirate fanatics who would love to take part in this event but whose hands are tied because they would be fired from their jobs. I mean, how can people talk all day like a pirate if say, they are in telesales: "Hello madam. Could I interest you in a little raping and pillaging today?"

Captain Smack- Many Pastafarians (followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster) celebrate I.T.L.A.P.Day since the pirates are the chosen people of the noodly deity yet the day itself has nothing to do whatsoever with the battle between Bobby "Reverend" Henderson and the Kansas State Board of Education.

Yawn is indeed an actual blogger and not the computer virus/spambot you may have mistaken him for. Although in possession of a dark intelligence and a remarkable wit, Yawn is also fighting a losing battle against his inner demons. He is, to put it simply, a twisted genius. Yawn has a tendency to "black out" for days on end (after consuming a near-lethal amount of alcohol illegal in all but the most depraved South American countries) which is when he comments most. Sometimes he will post on his site and have no recollection of doing so when sober.

EmmaK- Hey, at least people would listen to these telemarketers for a change. It can be quite annoying to have to listen an onslaught of drones who call you from Bangladesh to ask you if you would like to change phone companies. If the person on the other side were to refer to me as a "filthy landlubber" and threaten to "keel haul me" if I don't change to their 2-for-1 Overseas Call Option I'd think about it.

Elektrofly- See? Pirates. There's a lot of love in the air, a lot of singing and dancing and such. There's also a lot of disembowled sailors, orphaned children, ports set ablaze, strange curses where people roam the world as an undead army. But lets not forget the love.

you and pirates seem to get along. I did almost get shanghai'ed by some pirates in Canada, they were all dressed up but I could tell they were nice boys really. Dad tried to sell me to them for a pack of players but they said they weren't allowed to smoke on board. So here I am.

I am amazed that someone actually referred to me as a "blogger." I derive no identity from writing in a blog. It's bad for former secret agency administrators-turned- consultants-for-semi-secret- agencies to have identities. So no, Captain Smack, I am not a blogger, but more like a spambot, and yes, Fatman dangerous quantities of South American spirits, a steady diet of painkillers (for a bad back), and the occasional ocular injection of PDE I swiped from my former employer tend to cause blackouts when "They" start fucking around with the psychotronic code transmissions. Not to mention all the shit they put in the water and food these days to create uberconsumers. That'll put anyone into a blissful rampant consumer blackout.