If I Can't Forget His Cheating, Does It Mean I Can't Forgive Him

I hear from a lot of women who tell me that the thoughts or memories of their husband's cheating is something that invades their mind on a daily or very frequent basis. Because of this, may of them feel that forgiveness is not going to be possible. After all, if they are thinking about this and struggling with it quite often, how can you really offer genuine forgiveness?

I'm often asked things like "aren't forgiveness and forgetting really the same thing?;" or "isn't being able to forget the cheating required for forgiving the cheating?" The answer to these questions is not necessarily, although these things are optimal. (And, it's quite possible that your putting this pressure on yourself is impeding your progress.) I will discuss this more in the following article.

Why Forgiving The Affair Doesn't Necessarily Mean That You Will Forget It: I would be willing to bet that if you asked 100 women who saved their marriages after the affair if they ever, from time to time, think about the infidelity, that the vast majority of these woman (even those who have been able to recover loving and happy feelings in their marriages) will tell you that yes, they sometimes remember the shock, pain and betrayal of this situation. In reality, these things are almost impossible to completely forget.

This is true of almost any major trauma that you recover from in your life. Let's look at a real life example that might put this in perspective. Let's say that a child becomes ill and eventually recovers. It's probably unrealistic to say that there won't be times when you look at that same child and think back to when they were ill. However, because hopefully the child is no longer sick, although the memory of these times may momentarily bring back negative and scary memories, mostly, you just look at the child and feel grateful that you are looking at them healthy today and the illness is now behind you. In fact, it's likely that the illness gave you a unique perspective and it's possible that it made you appreciate your family (and the frailty of life) even more.

An affair is sort of like this. So long as your marriage is able to recover, you will still remember, but you will look at it as something that thankfully, is in the past. And, it too will give you a unique perspective. Many people tell me that working through the infidelity made them look at their spouses in a different way. They no longer took their spouse, and their marriage, for granted. And, they saw first hand that their spouse was willing to join hands, work things out, and rehabilitate the marriage – even if it wasn't always easy and was at times excruciatingly hard.

That's not to say that everything will always be roses and rainbows. This is unrealistic too. There may be days when you suddenly wake up angry or find yourself reliving this difficult time even when you think that you moved on. But over time, as you are honest with one another and work through these issues, these little obstacles begin to happen less and less and last for shorter periods of time.

Forgiveness For Infidelity Does Not Mean That You Just Ignore What's Happened: Many people who perceive that you have to forget about the affair to forgive seem to believe that when you forgive, you just wipe the slate clean and let your partner get off without any changes or repercussions. This is inaccurate. At least as I see it.

Forgiveness instead means that you're committed to moving on. It means that you realize that no marriage, and no person, is perfect. It means that you are satisfied that your partner is going to rehabilitate themselves, is committed to you, and will leave no stone unturned until you have what you need to effectively do this. And, these things sometimes take a considerable amount of time and trying different things until you are able to get to this place.

I firmly believe that when people sometimes tell me that they are unable to forgive, then one of three things can be happening. Either the person doesn't understand that forgiveness is more for them than their partner (as you can't really move forward if you are holding onto pain and negativity); or the person is trying to forgive too soon; or the person has not received or asked for what they need in order to offer this forgiveness in a healthy and genuine way.

If you're at a point where you can not yet think about forgiving (as forgetting is not all that realistic and not required,) then ask yourself what you need that you are not getting. If this is something that you need from your partner, then have the courage to ask them for it. Whether this is reassurance, information, affection, or working through issues or doubts, it's very unlikely that you will be able to genuinely offer your forgiveness until you get these things. And, you deserve them as much as your partner does.

I greatly struggled with forgiving my husband after his affair. I attempted this too soon, before I had what I needed, and this backfired. Luckily, I did not give up entirely. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

If I Can't Forget His Cheating, Does It Mean I Can't Forgive Him

I often get emails from wives who tell me that although they've endlessly tried to forgive their husband's cheating, infidelity, or affair, they've just not been able to. Many confess this as though it's an awful kind of failure that's caused by some place where they fell short. And, many assume that since they can't forgive, they won't be able to save the marriage or even to move on in a healthy way.

Has your boyfriend cheated on you and you don't know if you should forgive him or not? Does your heart say yes because you still love him? Does your head say no because you're afraid he'll hurt you again? By far, infidelity is the most painful thing a couple can go through. Forgiving and moving on can be complicated. Here's what to look for before you decide to forgive him or forget him.

It's not at all uncommon for me to get several emails per day from women who tell me something like: "my husband cheated and had an affair over a year and ago and no matter what I do, I can not get over it or get the images of him with someone else out of my head. I know that he loves me and wants to make things work, but I just can't seem to get over this."

I often hear from wives who are struggling greatly with trying to decide if they should forgive their husbands for having an affair. I often hear comments like: "I'm not sure if I should or can forgive his affair. While I was sitting home with our kids, he lied to me and betrayed me and then looked me right in the eye as though everything was fine. This is deplorable behavior.

I hear this question so often. I hear it from wives and I hear it from mistresses. Many wives can not understand how their husbands could look them in the eye and claim to still love them when they have betrayed their marriage vows and cheated with someone else. And, mistresses almost always tend to believe husbands when they claim not to love their wives "in the way that a husband should." The mistresses believe these claims because they want to, while the wives tend not to believe this.

"Should I forgive my cheating husband just because I love him a lot?" Your husband is probably asking you for forgiveness, but you are in a fix because it is hard for you to accept his cheating behaviour, but on the other hand, you love your husband deeply. The fact is you do not know how to forget and forgive his cheating affair, this is why you are struggling so hard on your decision. Here are some advices that will help you to decide if you should forgive your cheating husband.

Since I very usually share stories about surviving an affair (even emotional ones), I am asked a lot of queries about healing, forgiveness, or moving on. Two of the most common queries I'm asked are variations on "will a wedding survive an affair," (the solution to the present is yes) and "how will I very get past or forgive the affair?" The spouse who has been cheated on will often tell me that although they really want to work things out, save the wedding, and move on, they're finding it terri

The discovery of your husband's cheating will put a sharp and hot knife through your heart, and the pain can be devastating. Yet this is not all. His affair will put your whole family at great peril, particularly if you have some children.

I recently heard from a wife whose husband was proclaiming that he "loved her even more" in the months after his affair. The wife thought he was just saying this to get back in her good graces again. She didn't believe this for a second. She asked in part "is it possible for a husband to love his wife even more after his affair or is this just something that husbands say because they think it's what we want to hear?" I'll give you my take on this in the following article.

I recently received an email from a wife who told me that her husband cheated five years ago. They had decided to save the marriage and both had worked very hard to make this happen. Still, even five years later, the wife was still feeling a great deal of pain and doubt. She asked things like "what's wrong with me? I just can't let it go. Why can't I just get over his cheating once and for all? Enough time has passed that I should be able to move on."