This morning’s result was 17.47. This is super low by beta standards since most providers consider anything below 50 to be negative, but when I urged my nurse to lay it out for me doomsday style, she wouldn’t do it. She insisted that she sees these things go either way equally often. Dr. Google seems to agree.

I’ll know more after my second beta on Saturday.

Also, I published this post privately yesterday, and I’m only sharing it with you now because yesterday I wasn’t prepared to expose my grief to you as I wrote it (ugly, ugly grief). But since then I’ve eaten something, cried with friends, was held by N, and saw my therapist; and although my grief is still real and true, my reflecting on it has made it ebb back into a nook somewhere. But I know it’ll be back. I can feel its fucking tentacles undulating at my tear ducts.

2 Responses to Alpha Beta

Oh don’t you dare feel guilty! I felt guilty after losing my Nadav because I hated being pregnant. Was that justified? No. And neither is the guilt you’re feeling now.
You have every right to be ambivalent. This shit’s hard.
Crossing everything that you’re on the good outcome side of things.

You’re so very sweet, Mo. I’m so sorry that you felt guilty after what happened with your boy. I don’t normally dictate the “shoulds” of feelings, so I’ll just say that I really wish you didn’t feel that way. Life’s a random mess, and here we are trying to get a grip on it when really all we can hold onto is each other. As for me, I don’t feel guilty; I just thought it was ironic. But my loss is teeny in the grand scheme of losses, so I feel I can joke about it a little. Yours wasn’t, and I wouldn’t compare the two for a moment.
Sending you a big, big, warm hug xox