Hi. I'm James. You have never met me or will likely never do so. I was a depressed 19 year old boy who was trapped in life and a viscous circle.

It started at the ripe old age of 13, Entering Year 8 (8th grade.) I always knew adjusting into a secondary school wouldn't be the easiest but hell I tried getting on with everyone. It seem some people just don't get along.
I was average weight for a guy my size and was always healthy. You see bullying destroyed me. Not in the sense of mentally where i just lost it one day and lashed out... No it literally picked my life apart bit by bit.
The person i was back in Year 7 (7th grade) no longer exists. I was happy looking ahead to what could be an amazing life with a nice enough personality, likeability and body to go with it. But that changed I got along well with the group of friends I joined in the second year of my secondary school. Though we were classified as, I suppose the "nerdy" ones. Up to this point everything was fine. That is when I was destroyed forever past, present and future.

I started to get bullied, then again so do a lot of kids but it affected me more than others. For months I would take the bullying and abuse shrugging it off but I was comfortable. I started eating more and more to feel safe it was my little thing i always held close food. It was like an anti-bullying-anti-depressant for me it was weird but nevertheless what comes with eating more food is weight. I started gaining weight out of control I went from this little 4' 5" 90lbs kid to over 120lbs in a matter of a couple months. I could no longer run, hell even jog. By mid/end of Year 8 I was heavily obese with asthma problems. But i wouldn't run or exercise in general because i was still made fun out of. You know "fat fuck running to loose some weight" yeah I was but I said i was just going somewhere and would just stop running.

Moving on i was bullied through my schooling more and more. Still gaining more and more weight by the start of Year 11 it was "Suddenly" noticed by a relatively new teacher a teacher who came to be a saving grace. Though too little to late, a saving grace nevertheless. This teacher we'll call him John saw me gaining weight eating way more than i should getting told off for eating in class or slagging off daydreaming (probably about killing myself or how much better my life would be somewhere else.) Now in the UK year 11 is the final year for schooling so it was highly important to revise for exams and get through the school day. This I could not do hell. I couldn't even get to school without being out of breath or faking an illness to get a day away. John finally gave in and gave me the rest of the year off to revise for exams and get prepared for the end of the year.

I never did prepare i slept my days away glad that i would never have to go back apart from exams where i was separated from the people who destroyed my life. I did my exams and failed most of them. Completing my schooling. This was the best thing that had ever happened to me leaving this place. Though it still lived on in my head and heart killing me every time i thought about it. Even to this day if i have to walk past or drive past the school i end up in tears over the time i spent there.

The only person i have to thank in my life the only person who cared. Who gave a damn. The only person who loved me like a brother. Who saw the pain the suffering. The times i said i wanted to kill myself. Wo then went and told John the person who saved me more than anyone else could.

Months of grief even after leaving the school i kept saying i was ok even though dying inside. I luckily got accepted into a college that i did fine at. I stopped eating as much though. Still way more than i should. I was left alone there, i didn't know anyone made no friends and was alone. THIS is where everything stopped being about the bullying and the shit i was given at my last school. But inside i knew they caused me to be overweight and not great to look at. So now i was lonely and sunk into deep depression a depression i never uttered a word about for 2 years. I dropped out of my college for "personal issues" and had 3 months off. Still obtaining a good grade from that college i moved into another one immediately as the next school year turned over. Thinking i was over from all this shit thought everything was ok after my 3 months off... It was not i entered the new college where there were girls everywhere with boyfriends being happy my mind slipped back into a state of horrific depression worse than anything else. I started eating more and more again on top of that i was still lonely with know one i know attending this college either. After 6 weeks at the college i cracked to my parents i cried for 3 hours that day pouring years of abuse and depression all at once but never once uttering i was lonely because the way to deal with it is loose weight and become healthy young guy again become who i wanted to be since i was that little 7th grader. But i knew that i was never going to be that person so i decided what i was going to do. But that would have to wait.

First i went to my doctor who put me on the SSRI Citalopram i was taking 10mg for 2 weeks to no effect. I was then moved up to 20mg and i was sent to emergency youth counselling. I was there for 8 weeks once a week. Telling this woman everything about me and what went on not once crying or hurting. It was just nice to feel free telling someone that was going to tell know one else about the real side of my depression. After the first week i told my 2 closest friends (Niall and Henry) about the real side of me... everything. I continued on with counselling as did my depression (The Citalopram didn't work.) After 8 weeks i told my councillor that i was fine and that she helped a lot. But she knew that i wasn't fine. I started to self harm and drink making myself more depressed and wallowing in self pity. I went out a lot of times one month with friend told not to drink. But i still did. I self harmed more and more. Then the best thing that ever happened in my life came up.

It was a weekend in mid April. A weekend i was looking forward to no special event i just was. Niall invited me to an anime convention. Now i wasn't even an anime fan I'd only ever watched Gurren Lagann but i went along and for that one weekend i was free. I was happy i had camera round my neck and by GOD did i abuse it. I used it as an excuse to talk to people. Girls mostly. I got more love and affection in that one weekend than i did in my entire life. I was truly not alone or unhappy I had people notice the cuts all down my arm being only a day or 2 old they were raised and red. Rather easy to see. Though no one questioned them, and for that i was happy. That one weekend was the best 2 days of my life. Thank you for that Niall.

After that i was next sent to the doctor 2 weeks after initial counselling ended. The doctor saw my wounds and suggested i go to a psychiatrist. So naturally i did still on the citalopram so at this point i was still depressed. The psychiatrist put me on a new drug called Mirtazapine i was in 15mg of the stuff for 2 weeks and it did a hell of a lot more than the citalopram ever did. I was feeling better I wasn't depressed but i was still a bit lonely.

Now i not usually the one to beg people or bother them but the only other assistance i had stopping me killing myself was music this artist in particular being Veela one night i sent her this email. I didn't expect a reply from her being as popular as she is, I mean she made some pretty popular music among the gaming community. To my surprise she did. Not by a simple little email either she went out of her way to record me a video which was attached to a tiny email simply saying <3. Now i was super excited that i got some love from some relatively unknown Canadian girl. I was extremely happy.

I am much happier now and I'm grateful for Niall, Henry and Veela keeping my little boat afloat some time longer.

I am still a little lonley time to time and still a little bit overweight but not by much. Mainly i want to thank Veela's Music and personal video, Niall and Henry keeping me together. I hope i can one day find a girl to settle down with. But until then THANK YOU SO MUCH Veela, Niall and Henry. I am only here today because of you.