Chicks, Man

How to Be Outrageously Successful with the Opposite Sex
How to Solve Every Problem You’ve Ever Had…
Meeting, Dating or Marrying the Man or Woman of Your Dreams
Hartunian
1991

Words almost fail me for this little gem of a book. I couldn’t stop laughing and was reading this with tears in my eyes! First glance made me think this was some self-published vanity project for our man Paul, who evidently has NO problem with the ladies and wants to share all his good inside information. After a glance around WorldCat, this book was updated in 1997, and Hartunian penned a few books on marketing. Maybe because I was never any good at dating (okay – clueless), I would probably dissolve into a fit of laughter if any of these opening lines were ever used on me. Be your own judge.

Look, Paul, dude, there were a lot of great things about the 70’s, disco, men who wore the waist of their pants at their waist instead of around their knees, kids shows like The Electric Company – but, dude, the facial hair, it’s got to go. Please.

It’s hard for me to believe in the 90s, let alone now, anyone with that MiracleGro fed caterpiller on their lip would be successful with either gender.

The picture on the back cover and coupons are AWESOME!!! I can only imagine what his website
can be like. Somehow this book inspires thoughts of men with lots of body hair wearing gold chains while
sitting in a hot tub.

Oh my god, I need this as it will supply me with prank material for the rest of my life.
The cover should read “You TOO can snag the Edwardian woman of your dreams!” I would love to know what Mr “Tuna” (sorry) is up to now. My guess is divorce #3.

I read through the fine examples of dating insight contained within this tome, and then I almost fell off my chair laughing when I discovered the author’s picture is an amazing likeness to a hair stylist I used to go to. But to the stylist’s credit, that look was perfectly acceptable way back then, as it was still the 1980s.

As for all the advice up to that point, I feel like you could pick up a disease just by reading it. And maybe you “don’t perspire that much normally” playing tennis, but the thought of taking advice from this guy should make you sweat plenty. So creepy.

Although I have never been even close to a Don Juan or have never made a woman swoon, I still can see the idiocy of this guy’s advice. Following his suggestions would probably only lead to bending over with laughter from a woman or a swift kick in the “boys”.

Fortunately I’m not sure most people would bother to stick around long enough to finish hearing or reading this guy’s verbose pick-up lines, but if they do I suspect the letter and phone message might be longer than the resulting relationship… There’s something to be said for KISS, as in Keep it Short & Simple!

“Very simply, my success has come because I’m a self-obsessed sociopath who doesn’t take no for an answer. I’m not afraid to enjoy every moment and molecule of a magnificent woman, right up until the police arrive.”
This just begs for a parody.

“Nuclear energy passion” is a great idea for a band name. It almost sounds like a poorly translated romance novel title.

I can’t say it from experience, but I firmly believe that any guide to getting dates is just as ridiculous as this. I read a review of one for women that said that one of the keys to getting a guy and keeping him is to never talk to him first.

Wait… already having a boyfriend is NOT an acceptable excuse? That whole phone message sounds not creepy, but downright SCARY. Not only would I not call someone back who left a message like that, I’d sleep with a knife under my pillow.