IN 2005 CONTROL IS A REMOTE POSSIBILITY

One item topping my list of New Year's resolutions could potentially alter my life, as I now know it. And it has to do with my relationship to Gracious Mistress of Parsonage.

I'm not inferring any trouble in paradise these days; I wouldn't know if there was trouble, anyway. Nevertheless, I think my relationship to her could improve 100 percent — which needs a foolproof plan. Being a certified fool, all I need is a plan.

Back in October, folks at church we serve sent my wife and me to St. Augustine as a gift from congregation. It was a delightful surprise. We never tire of spending time in Ancient City.

One negative aspect to whole plan, no provision was made for our return. However, to quote Martha Stewart, I told my congregation, "I'll be back."

Nothing is more relaxing than taking off for a few days of reading, writing and just plain goofing off. I have latter down to a science. At least that's what my wife tells me, and no one has ever accused her of lying.

It did not take us long to pack a few things in a suitcase and head for our mini-vacation.

We arrived at one of our favorite motels, registered at front desk and quickly went to our room and unpacked all our things. For me unpacking meant unlocking door, walking inside and throwing myself on bed. It doesn't take me long unwind.

However, Gracious Mistress of Parsonage takes more time and effort to get into vacation spirit. She has to unload car, unpack suitcases, clean motel room, and make sure we have enough towels and washcloths.

I got tired just watching her go through her routine. In fact, it was so bad I had to leave room and go out to pool.

Three hours later, I returned to room and found her sitting on bed, watching TV.

"Aha," I said as I entered in room, "I see you're finally in vacation spirit." And so our mini-vacation was under way, full steam ahead.

Stretching out before us were five days of unrelenting loafing. We decided to make a game of it. We were going to see who could loaf best during our week.

I assumed I had edge on this game. After all, I've had more experience with loafing than my wife. I forget what prize was but it seems to me it had something to do with serving breakfast in bed to winner.

The chief object of game was control of TV remote control. The rule stated, at least my wife told me it did, you could not take remote out of other person's hand. I agreed to rules of game and game was afoot.

WORDS NEVER HEARD IN THE WORKPLACE

Written by Patience Pantperhog

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.

WORDS NEVER HEARD IN THE WORKPLACE

By Patience Pantperhog

Today’s modern workplace is awash in buzzwords, bafflegab, and all manner of blessed bumpf to wade through or digest over a morning latte with a dab of whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles on top.

The never-ending drive to increase profits means employees everywhere must hunker down with their noses to grindstone or else hustle their bustles out door every day in search of new business.

So, it's not surprising to hear some strange murmurings emanating from boardrooms and bosses' offices world over not to mention odd cubicle and cubby-hole or two.

Rest assured, these verbal vaunts and zippy zingers likely have never seen light of day. But, if by chance those walls really did have ears...here's a saucy sampling of what might be heard: