27 December, 2007

For me, the holidays are always a time of recovery. At the end of each year, I take stock of what my life was like versus what I wanted it to be, and whether that outcome is good or not, I take the last two weeks of the year to come to terms with myself and just let it be.

I hang out with my parents and my brothers. I laugh with family. I anticipate our Christmas Eve dinner. I recover.

And it works. This system works for me, gets me excited for a new year, new changes, new ideas and maybe, one day, a new me. Not that I need or want a new me, but I am always open to just being new.

For me, this year has been the most introspective year. In the past, I have always had the attitude of "it is what it is, and I'll make the best of it." But this year, age 26, I found myself questioning decisions, past and present and trying to figure out why. Why am I this way or that way, why am I stubborn, why am I scared? I don't think I have the answer to everything yet, but I think I've found a way to change what needs to be changed. I need to let go. I need to let people see the soft and vulnerable side of me. I need to love and let people love me. I love that I am strong and independent, but I don't want that to be all I am. I need to be more well rounded, and I think that will be my resolution this New Year's. I will let go. I will let people in. I will trustpeople other than myself.

I last posted about seeing The BreakUp for the first time since we broke up. I had time to think about it, and I probably will some more. But after some alone time, time with family and recovery over the holidays, and after talking to the Best Friend about their little dinner date, I came to the conclusion that I don't think he needs to be in my life. I don't want him there. For one, I don't agree with some decisions he has made in the past, and according to Best Friend, decisions he is still making. To me, he has become less of a person. He is no longer the man I used to be so close to, the man I thought I could love, the man who had a strong character. He says he is happy now, and I am glad for that. I do wish him happiness, and I want him to have a good life. I just don't think either of us are the same people, so I'm ready to let it go.

I have a tendency to hold on to people. Former relationships, bad friendships, people that bring your life down. It's not that these people are bad people, maybe we just aren't meant to be in each other's lives. Maybe we just don't fit well together and when we try to, we end up breaking each other more than necessary. So I need to learn to let people go, too.

All in all, I'm ok. I have a much clearer vision of who I am and want to be. I know the people who do fit into my life and I can't wait to meet new people who fit there, too. I truly have a great (and growing) family. I love them! I have amazing friends.

And, I have a plan to make 2008 "The Year I Let Go....And Start to Really Live!"

So, in an effort to let go of pointless fears, here are some pictures of the Southern Doll herself. Enjoy! :o)

Here is me, at the beach this summer with my girls.

And definitely one of my better moments, on Christmas Eve with my mommy. Her face has been deleted, to protect the innocent, you know.

And, what kind of mommy would I be if I didn't post a picture of my baby. Meet Maggie!

20 December, 2007

I just saw The BreakUp for the first time since I broke up with him. Almost a year ago. We've been through more since our breakup than before, which is a long story that I'm not in the mindset to tell right now. I don't know what to say here, I was thrown for a loop. I didn't know he was coming until about 30 minutes before he showed up to pick up my roomie. So, I started cleaning, which is what I do when I don't know how to handle things. I was literally, standing in the closet when he got here. I had to take a deep breath and force myself to go out and hug him. Like always, I faked nonchalance like a champ. I hugged, smiled, small talked and then said bye. No Big Deal. Right?

Wrong.

And I don't know why. Well, I do, I guess but I don't know how to fix that about me. I know I never loved him as more than a dear friend. I know I am not attracted to him in a romantic way. He has made some decisions lately that I do not agree with, and because he made them, I lost some respect for him. I know these things are true, so why did my stomach flip when I heard his voice in my home?

When I break up with someone, whether or not I do it or he, I feel the need to prove myself better. I have to get hotter, move on faster, date someone faster, get laid faster, fall in love faster. I know in my heart that this comes from a need to build back up my self esteem and prove myself. Prove to myself that yes, you can fall in love and someone will fall in love with you, and it will last forever. What I don't know is how to fix that. How do you just make it go away and be confident and complete in yourself?

My thoughts are so scattered right now, I need some time to compile them. Over the past few days I have been working on posts about the woes of dating, but now it all seems to petty. All of a sudden, I realized that I had bigger issues to fix, bigger worries to come to terms with. I need to get away, I think, be alone with my thoughts and come to terms wit myself, where I am now and where I want to be.

05 December, 2007

So I have seen Babyface twice now, and we have talked on the phone everyday since we met. On our last date, we watched Monday Night Football at my house and ordered pizza. he held my hand, we chatted all night, he left in time for me to get to bed and still get my six hours of sleep. For all intents and purposes, things are going well.

So why did I start to freak out today?

I met Babyface via my Internet Dating Service of Choice. Today, I was checking my email on the site and I noticed that he was "online now." Ugh. Now, I know we've only known each other for a few weeks, and I know that we are not anything serious, but just seeing that he was on there looking at other women made me a little sad. It made all those little insecurities that I hide away from everyone come out.

Am I boring him?Am I not good enough?Am I not pretty enough?Is he only hanging out with me until something better comes along?

There is a side of me that is brave, confident and knows that any man would be lucky to have me. I am smart, beautiful, easy to get along with, confident and I know what I want out of life. Then there is a side of me that is still a chubby, nerdy little girl with not many friends. That side of me questions myself, and in the past, it was this ugly side that when it would rear its head, I would push men away. Instead of staying the fun, carefree, confident me, I would turn into the clingy girlfriend who questioned everything.

And here I am again, starting to question things. Which I know is ridiculous, that is the difference. now i can stop myself, override the insecurity. Fake it! But the question is, how do I make it go away? How do I stop it from happening? Does it happen to everyone? Or when you meet The One, does it not happen??

I wish I knew the answer. I suppose for now, all I can do is be confident, believe in myself and let the cards fall where they may.

And the truth is - I am ready. It may not be Babyface, it may not be with the one after Babyface, but I'm ready! I'm ready to not worry, to not wonder, and to feel 100% confident in myself and I'm ready to just be with someone, and be comfortable.

Edit: Not 5 minutes after hitting "Publish Post," I get a text from Babyface asking me how my night was going. Maybe when you actually put yourself out there, you admit your weaknesses, God or The Universe rewards you. :o)

So go here and read all Laurie's cool advice. From one Southern Doll to another, it's fabulous! Good stuff and not to mention FREAKING HYSTERICAL. And then keep reading her. And buy her book, too! It is on my Christmas list. If I was cool enough to know how, I would totally post the cool picture of her book so you could click on it and buy it, but alas, I am stuck with text.

My question was basically about this here site, and revealing personal info and overcoming the fear of letting those who know me the best know my most personal thoughts and also, being stalked by a total psycho.

To answer my question, Laurie very graciously said that yes, Southern Doll, there is fear in everything BUT YOU HAVE NOT BEEN STALKED YOU CRAZY LADY YOU. Ok, not really like that, she was much nicer, as you can read. But the point is, don't be scared! Move forward! Live your life!

So since Laurie and her wisdom are like my Southern Sherpa, I will begin revealing more. I will slowly try to let go of fear. I will post pictures! I will go ahead and make this a real, actual blog!

Hi, Internet. My name is Courtney. I am 26 and I live in Kennesaw, GA.

27 November, 2007

Amidst the craziness of 10 four year olds and two adults, one child who needs a Kleenex desperately, one who wants to light-saber everyone near him and another who WANTS TO PLAY DODGEBALL!!! PLEASE, DODGEBALL!! PLLLEEEAAAASSSSEEEEE!!!

Jake, who is 4: "You guys sure are lucky you have me, because I'm so well behaved."

23 November, 2007

I'm a day late, but I was having such a great day yesterday that I didn't want to get on the computer for any amount of time and miss the family and food greatness that is Thanksgiving. The holidays really hit home for me just how lucky I am. It makes me realize that I am a jerk for ever feeling sorry for myself or my "plight in life" or my "eternal singleness." Give me a break! I am so blessed. I have an amazing, loving family and amazing, loving friends. I have nothing to ever be sad about. So, here's my Top 5 things I am thankful for.

1. I have a huge, sometimes crazy, Southern family, and we all get along. We actually love each other, have fun together and look forward to the crazy, hectic holidays together. I hear so many stories of how hard the holidays are for families - split families, divorced families, families that don't get along. But yesterday we all hugged, sat around stuffing ourselves, catching up, drinking red wine and talking about how old we feel because the kids are getting so big. We watched the little ones stand on the stairs and sing "Jesus Loves Me" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and then cheered and clapped like it was the most amazing accomplishment ever. We felt babies move in bellies and laughed at the old ones drinking Crown Royal. It was four hours of happiness and warmth and comfort. I would give any of them a kidney or a liver, if they needed it, and I really think they would do the same for me.

2. I have three girlfriends from high school. We were all pretty inseparable then. We went to college, one in Tennessee, one in Missouri, and myself and another stayed close to home. We grew apart, did our own things, one even lived in China for three years. We weren't always great at keeping in touch, but when we did, it was like nothing changed. You can't break that kind of bond, one that is made out of sheer will to believe in our friendship and make it work. Now we have all made our way back home, and we made a commitment to have dinner together once a month. It is incredible. I love that day out of the month. Yesterday morning, one of these girls ran a marathon. Myself and another of us decided to surprise her about halfway through. We caught up with her at the 17 mile mark and stood on the side of the road with signs, cheering her on. She had just run 17 miles, but the look on her face was pure joy and surprise that we would do that for her. I am so grateful for those girls.

3. I am thankful for the years that go by. Every year, I feel like I get closer and closer to myself, to being the me I want to be, and being that me around everyone I meet. I used to feel like I had to change who I was according to who I was around, that I had to be cooler or funnier or better. The older I get, the less I feel that way, and I am so glad.

4. I am thankful that I have found a church that I can finally, finally, feel comfortable in. It is a place that is welcoming, open, and friendly, and I want to go. I want to be there, and work there, and I want to do better in life so the people there will be proud of me. It is truly genuine, and I thank God every day for creating that environment.

5. My job is amazing. I genuinely like it. I work for a group of people who believe in doing the right thing, treating the employees and customers the right way and putting family and faith first. They listen to me, help me in a career path, and help me grow. Being that it is my first job out of college, I am extremely lucky to be where I am. I am not in a cube farm, churning out work for a 1/2% raise a year, I am not working for a hellish boss who only wants me to make more coffee and I am not working at a giant corporation where my voice can't be heard. The place I work and the people I work for are quite the opposite of all of that. I am lucky!

So there you have it, that is my life's Big Five. I have a smile today, and when I start to feel bad for myself again, I will read this post and kick my own ass for being silly.

(Editor's Note - I am also thankful for Downy Lavender & Vanilla laundry detergent and dryer sheets. That stuff smells like heaven and there is nothing better than getting in clean sheets that smell that yummy. Seriously, it is expensive, but oh so worth it.)

21 November, 2007

I hear trumpets! Victory bells! Huge sighs of relief from Mother Nature. I am reassured, and I once again believe that it can be!

Last night - I went on a date. A good one. With.....A NORMAL MAN.

No monkies! No pink panties under his bed! No requests involving strap on extras (Oh, Internet, I have yet to share that story...)!!

Now, the actual date was comedic - we went to see a lyrical artist called Aesop Rock. We were by far the oldest and most sober people there. And that is saying something because I am only 26, and was drinking Stella. The first two artists were techno-funk DJs who stood on stage and spun with weird movies playing in the background - the kind of thing that would make you eat your hair if you were on drugs. So I was told, anyway, I've never done a drug. And the kids in this place were dancing like they had odd twitches in their extremities. One girl actually was a hobbit, I think. But, it made for excellent people watching and conversation.

So the date was fun, and the guy was surprisingly normal. I did not think he would be, I actually went in thinking he wouldn't be my type. I thought he was going to be the metro sexual typical "Gym Guy", but he surprised me. Which was nice.

The kiss at the end of the night was nice, too.

So the Southern Doll is happy, and once again believes that there is hope for normalcy.

20 November, 2007

Last night I was having my first phone conversation with a new guy from Internet Dating Service of Choice. We'll call him Ross. Ross is nice enough, but a little awkward and makes the occasional inappropriate joke, for a first conversation.

Me: Well, it didn't work out for us, but he was nice enough.Ross: Man, you just throw guys away, huh?Me: No, I just wasn't attracted to him.Ross: Poor dude.Me: Well, I can give you his MySpace name, if you want to be his friend. You know, if you are feeling sorry for him.Ross: Uhm, no thanks, I don't eat sausage.

Really? Did he really say that? He did, but I can chalk that up to nerves and the awkwardness of the first call. Right? So we continue on with the conversation. We're talking about my kitty and pets in general and I ask him if he has any.

Me: So, do you have pets.Ross: Yeah, I do.Me: So.....what do you have?Ross: It's not normal. Not many people have what I have.

(Side note - it is never good to hear a man say that. RED. FLAG.)

Me: Well, are you going to tell me, or do I have to guess?Ross: I'll give you three guesses. If you don't guess it, you have to come to my house to find out.Me, thinking: Ha! This guy thinks he is being coy and tricking me into a date.Me: Fine. A Ferret?Ross: No!Me: A Chinchilla?Ross: Nooooo!Me: A monkey? My mom had monkeys when she was little. But like the kind that are illegal now, you could mail order them back in the 60s.Ross: *snickers*Me: So you have a monkey.Ross: Yes, I have monkeys.Me: You have more than one?Ross: Eight.Me: You have eight monkeys.Ross: Yes. They have a room they live in. And no, I do not spank my monkeys.Me: That thought had not even crossed my mind.

11 November, 2007

So a few days ago I introduced Mr. Walgreen to The Internet. He and I met via my Internet Dating Service of Choice about 3 months ago. We have been dating casually since then, talking on the phone once during the week and a date on the weekend. At first I was pretty turned off by his job, and by his seeming lack of interest in growing up for a man his age. He was just a dude, at a job he didn't call a career, watching football and making it happen. But, I kept him around because he was fun. My only gripe was that he was kind of a last minute planner. Like, would wait until Thursday to make a date. I am planner, people! I plan! I usually know what I'm doing on the weekend by like Tuesday. Call me OCD if you like, but it's part of my charm. :o)

About three weeks ago, he mentioned he was looking for a new job, a Real Job. Big Boy Job. Yay! AND he called on a SUNDAY and planned for a weekend date! Things were looking up, and Mr. W was growing on me. Even though my cat was trying to tell me something by cock blocking me. Whatever.

Well.

Move ahead to last night. My friend had two extra tickets to a hockey game. She asked if I wanted to double date. I say yes, and Mr. W can go. Great! Fun! Double Date! So, we go, watch football, our team WINS so all is good and we go to the hockey game. I don't know much about hockey but games are large fun. So it was good times and me and Mr. W head back to his place. He invites me in, and we are tired so he invites me to stay there. I do, since he is much closer to my church, which I have to go to int he morning. So, all is good, we change and go to bed.

Let me add that the whole night was very G-Rated. Which I thought was unusual, since the last time we went out it was not G-Rated, even though my kitty never let it get X-Rated. But, I wrote it off as being tired. We cuddled a little, and chatted, then went to sleep.

Morning rolls around, and he has to leave for work before I have to leave for church. So he tells me I can stay, no big deal, and he leaves. Being the Southern Doll, I decide it's polite to make the bed before I go. So, I do.

I'm tucking in the sheets on "my side" and I notice something funny on the floor. Not under the bed, just kind of on the side. So, I pick it up, with a wrinkle in my forehead. What is it?

Wow, this is gross. What do I do? I'm confused. Confusion is quickly turning into anger. I text my best girlfriends asking what to do. But before they can respond I have decided.

I make the bed (very nicely), place the pillows, turn the covers down. And place the pink panties right in the middle. My only regret is not taking a picture of it.

So it's about 10:40 PM now. He hasn't called, texted, acknowledged it in any way. I doubt he will, because from my experience, men are Avoiders. I do wish he would, though, because I would LOVE to hear his explanation. And have the chance to tell him what a douche he is that he can't even clean up after his hoe. ha!

I am SO SO happy that I did not sleep with him. I guess God and my cat really do have my back!

04 November, 2007

So, it's been a while for me.....like since July. I have not been boinked since July. There, I said it. I have been trying to be really good! And I've done really good! But now I need to get boinked. Badly.

So, I've been seeing Mr. WalGreen's for a couple months now...casually. He calls once a week, we hang out, have dinner, a few drinks....normal dating routine. I have spent the night at his house once, it was pretty G-rated.

So last night he comes over, we are watching football, I lose (another) bet and now owe him dinner AND dessert. Things are going lovely, we're having fun, drinking some red wine....good times. We decide it's time for bed.

Things are getting hot and heavy. It's nice! He's a great kisser, and while he seems like he wants me to make the first move, he's fun. It's going well. So I make the first move. It works. In my head, I'm thinking "Thank God! I'm going to get laid!" Then, conversation ensues.

01 November, 2007

I work for a very good company. I love my job. A few months ago, the man who created my position left the company, and while I learned so much from him and he is responsible for me loving what I do, things have gotten so much better since he left. I now split my time 50/50 between two bosses. Both are great to work for, if I do what is expected of me, and I do it well, they are happy. So I do, it is a win-win situation, we trust each other and it all works out great.

Usually.

Three weeks ago, Boss #2 and I were making the final arrangements for Big Event of the Year. Tensions were high, we were probably being ugly to each other. I know I was not being flexible. I do this when I'm stressed. Just leave me alone and let me do my job, I'll get it done. Hello, Great Wall of Back Off, I'm Good at What I Do. So, Boss #2 wants to have a Principal's Dinner at a nice restaurant here in town. Conversation ensues:

Southern Doll: "I've made the reservations for 14."Boss #2: "14? I only count 13....."SD, listing through all the Principals: "....and you and me."2: "Oh. Well, I think it would be best if you sat this one out."SD: " OK....can I ask why?"2: "Because you are a woman."

Imagine the transition....we go from normal conversation, working out logistics to my eyes turning red and steam coming from my ears.

SD: "You are serious. Do you realize how unfair that is?"2, in a whiny voice, giving me a pleading look: "Its the boys club. You understand."

Nothing made me madder than his assumption that I would be a-ok with being left out BECAUSE I WAS BORN WITH A VAGINA. No, sir.

SD: "No, 2, I do not understand. I will not understand. It is not fair and I am not ok with it. I won't be."

And in the meantime, can I get you more coffee and warm your socks? Because that is what my vagina is telling me I need to do.

04 October, 2007

Hasn't everyone who has ever done something great for themselves taken some measure of risk?

I love this. It is so very true, and can be applied to any person, in any walk of life, and any risk or attempt at greatness.

I want to be the person people look at and say "Man, she really took a huge leap of faith there, but look how well it turned out!". I think in my life, I have had those chances and not taken them, so now I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can create those chances, or dream up a risk to take that will really pay off in the end.

02 October, 2007

So, I've been back from Vegas for over a week now, and I have a post in mind about it, but it's been so long that the fire and excitement of those thoughts are dying out. My prime time for creativity and productivity is between the hours of 9:00 and 2:00, but I'm at work during those hours. When I get home, I generally want to work out, cook dinner and lay around.

I'm also trying to think of more ways to make this more interesting and creative. So maybe one day I will have a return reader. That will be nice! I was thinking of adding a style section, photography, products I love....I need to learn how to actually add those things!

One day, this place will be cool. I look forward to it.

I love how Blogger says that I was born in the year of the Rooster. Come on, Blogger, it's the year of the Cock. We all know that.

28 September, 2007

Ops: "Southern Doll, do you know where the second fire extinguisher is?"Me: "No......I've seen the one up front, but never the second one."Ops: "........"Ops: "So you have no idea that you are standing next to one...."Me: "uhhh.....Yeah. That would be correct."

14 September, 2007

Me: "We've reached a whole new level."The BreakUp: "Ahh yes. I think it is the next logical step for us...see each other's junk (and enjoy)...don't talk for a while...talk about nothing....make fun of the other's new endeavors."Me: "It's all a part of the 'I did you and now I don't' process."

Isn't that true, though? When you break up with someone, isn't it like a small death? I need to research the five steps of grief, or whatever it is, because I think it can apply to break ups, especially monumental ones. I mean, at first The BreakUp and I tried to just jump back into friendship....it went over as well as a pregnant pole vaulter. It took time, anger, patience, acceptance and now, humor. it's working though, I think. It has been a lesson for me. I can't control other people's lives, even mine sometimes. I have to accept them as they are and for the choices they make.....isn't that what friendship is?

13 September, 2007

Well, good questions. I'm just a girl trying to make it happen. What, I don't know. Something, though. And there are so many times I think to myself, "Damn, that shit's funny. I can't believe it just happened to you. I better write this down so I don't forget." So I'm really just trying to get it all down on paper (the Internet? My computer? I don't know the high-tech conversion of that saying....) so I can laugh at me when i have Alzheimer's and don't remember me.

Got it? Good, now we can go on being friends.

I promise I won't write about what I had for lunch - that is boring. And plus, sometimes, I don't want to admit it. But I do promise to bring to the table the great follies of my life - past, present and future. With a huge focus on love, lust and sex. Being a Southern girl with all that charm and a Big Northern Attitude, I do attract comedy.

This is going to be fun, guys! What, you don't believe me? Just another blog? OK, I'll leave you with a teaser list of stories to come:1. "Do Me In the Butt" guy2. How to Get a Vacation Paid For by a Stranger - WITHOUT Sex3. Weekly Favorites - Ways to Remind Yourself the World Is, Indeed, Good4. What NOT to say