Editor's column: Taking meat out of the equation

April 28, 2012

Think about how much easier life would be if we were all vegetarians, or vegans, if you so desire.

Being a server just got a whole lot easier.

"Excuse me, Miss, I asked for medium-rare and this is pink," would never be heard again.

Waitresses around the world could rejoice at the prospect of their chef not screwing up another steak. Salads wouldn't come before the meal, they would be the meal, and since whipping up a salad is no more challenging than changing a light bulb, our waitresses would be under less stress and would become more pleasant. Patrons would then be more willing to leave a bigger tip, meaning waitresses would make more money and thus would be able to spend more, providing our sad economy the jolt it needs to fully recover from a miserable recession that has left Americans with empty pocketbooks and no time to spend with their families because they have to work doubles all the time, leaving them with no energy to take care of their families or pay attention to their spouse, therefore driving up the divorce rate even more as the number of nuclear families falls to an all-time low.

Whew!

And that's just one example of how our society can benefit if we could just leave the cows, pigs, and chickens alone.

What about the obesity problem in the United States? Apparently, we're all getting too fat for our own good. Why? Besides being slaves to our computers and not exercising enough we eat too much fast food. In a meatless eating society everything on the menu at Mickey Ds or Burger King would come with dressing and a fork. Eat more greens, lose more weight. Done. With the toss of a salad, we just solved our obesity problem.

PETA could take a permanent break. Sick of hearing from PETA officials about how animals are mistreated? Mistreated? What mistreated? In a veggie world there would be no animal mistreatment because we don't eat them. That reminds me: Shouldn't all PETA people be vegetarians anyway? I don't think they are. And if they're not, does that not make them the kings of hypocritopolis?

In a veggie world, "pink slime" wouldn't exist.

Unless you've been grazing with the cows, you know what "pink slime" is and have by now made your final judgement on whether or not you're going to continue to throw it on your Foreman and consume it. "Pink slime" is to the meat industry what the New Orleans Saints are to the NFL - one big headache. Truth be known, we shouldn't even know anything about "pink slime." The only reason we do is because some scientist coined the phrase and then sent it out in an email.

And mad cow? Please. No worries. Mad cow made its debut in 2006 and it's back. In a veggie world, bovine spongiform encephalopathy would just be three ambiguous words. Pink slime? Mad cow? Behold, the power of words. The people who came up with these references should put down their beakers, pick up a pen and become writers. What creativity.

This is all hypothetical, of course. We'll stop eating meat the day we stop breathing. There are too many people out there who are too good at making meat taste really, really good. Without meat there would be no spaghetti and meatballs - just a bunch of wet noodles. Without meat, there would just be loaf.

A world without meat would be like a world without Betty White; it just wouldn't be as enjoyable anymore. Can you imagine a world without ribs, without jerky, without bologna, without pigs in a blanket, prime rib, and gasp! steak?