Undercover Manicurist

Important tools for your arsenal

What with a vanity war on, there has never been a greater call for high-level military manicurists. Though I originated the division back during ‘Nam, it wasn’t too long ago that I was hired as a government contractor to put together the (at the time) classified “Operation Emery Board Freedom” stratagem, and head up the training. Indeed, you are receiving your information from the best of the best, the most elite. The squadrons I trained personally were among the first to enter Baghdad, and still hold the distinction of being the only troops warmly welcomed. (And many of the people they interacted with– officials of the highest order, mind you– do not even know that these brave men and women were actually highly trained military personnel.) After all, who doesn’t love a nice hand massage and a well-executed french tip? Iraqis are not immune. Afghans are not immune. Neither are the Iranians or Bulgarians. Wait, forget you read that last part.

You simply must take a moment to dwell on the bravery these men and women display on these missions: boldly parading (literally) into enemy outposts, caves, and encampments on elaborate floats, riding glamorously bedizened steeds, dance music from one hundred boom boxes signaling the arrival of these feathered, jeweled, well-coiffed troops. Yes, it’s absolutely required that my troops loudly announce their arrival! Ask yourself– could you muster the required courage? At any moment, the identities of my troops could be discovered and the whole lot of them tossed out on their ears (at best) or beaten and killed (at worst). I’m pleased to say that our soldiers have suffered zero casualties. Now that’s a well-trained platoon. And I must say, we only accept the best and the brightest to enlist with us. None of this “SEAL,” or “Green Beret,” nonsense. We’re the Canaries, and we’re the first in any tight, dark hole.

Of course, any radically innovative program will have its detractors, and I’ve taken more than my fair share of criticism of the program. The Air Force was jealous of our convoy vehicles, used as they were to sporting the flashiest transports. The Navy objected to the open wet bar and 24-hour karaoke on our transport ship. And everyone wanted our safety record. What’s so wrong with having fun and using proper protection? Or getting information from the enemy while giving him or her a good hand job? Did you see Saddam’s nails when they got him out of that fox hole? That’s right. A little birdie told the attack troops where he was.