“…any food product that feels compelled to tell you it’s natural in all likelihood is not.”—-Michael Pollan

Monday, April 30, 2012

Wine Terrorists

No one really likes to talk about it. But wineries are
afraid. Lives and reputations are at stake. Am I speaking about Antonio Galloni
taking over from Robert Parker? No. No one cares about that. The Pope dies,
white smoke comes from the Vatican,
and Pope Antonio the First carries the scepter and Holy Tastevin. Nothing
changes but the size of the ring you kiss. The ring around your guest house
bathroom tub. Am I speaking about the slow pace of the economic recovery? No. Wineries
quickly adjust, they are remarkably adept at losing money in every sort of
economy--it’s what they do. And superbly. Am I speaking about climate change?
No. Wineries welcome climate change. The vast majority of them have the wrong
varieties planted in the wrong place anyway. Climate change gives them a shot
at a good vintage like they’ve never had before. So what is it that wineries
don’t want to talk about, yet fear?

Wine Terrorism!
(Cue the theme from “Psycho,” or “Love Story,” you choose)

I wasn’t able to get any wineries to speak on the record
about these dangerous and well-organized groups for fear of being targeted. But
the fear in their eyes when I brought up the subject spoke volumes. Who are
these terrorist organizations, you ask? Here is a brief list of a few of the
wine terrorist groups wineries fear the most.

No Added
Sulfighters

Led by their notorious founder, Alice “the Gravedigger”
Feiring, the NAS has made it their job to ruin wineries that adulterate their
wines by adding sulfites. This is a very dangerous group, unafraid to use
whatever means necessary to destroy their enemies. The NAS believes that adding
sulfites is unnatural, like wearing panties on your head, or eating your own or
someone else’s bougars, or getting enjoyment from wine. And it must stop. At first,
the NSA used propaganda, spreading the word that sulfites were harmful and
caused headaches in white women. They lobbied to have the words “Contains
Sulfites” added to wine labels, as though it wasn’t the alcohol that would kill
you first. Yet wineries continued to add sulfites at bottling. NAS escalated
its attacks, resorting to violence and mayhem, and, even-worse, name-calling.
Their first attack used nerve gas. Twenty members of NAS wearing ski masks
entered the tasting room at Rodney Strong Vineyards and, while shouting, “Kiss
my SO, too!” simultaneously released deadly sulfur compounds—from their pants!
Frightened and startled guests panicked, thinking they’d mistakenly landed in
the Sierra Foothills, and in the stampede that followed several Millenials were
hurt when they inadvertently sobered up and heard how everyone hates them.

In another incident, which wineries and Homeland Security are reluctant to talk about, the NAS filled a windowless van with explosives made from fertilizer packed into cow horns. Only luck and an anonymous tip foiled the NAS plans. Had the van exploded, it would have been a terrible example of Carbombic Maceration.

How far will the NAS go? Wineries are scared. Owners have
received late night phone calls from The Gravedigger, most threatening, but a
few just asking to see if they wanted to talk and what they were wearing.
Bottling line operators report that they’ve had to put their sulfites under
lock and key. In one famous case, an NAS operative infiltrated one winery and
was able to switch the sulfites to sugar before the wines were bottled. The
Rombauers are still scared, though sales of their wines have skyrocketed. The
NAS says they will not stop until every offending winery is punished. And
offending, well, it’s what most wineries do.

TCA Baggers

The TCA Baggers are an ultraconservative group led by the
mysterious Sheldon “Screwy” Stelvin. Very little is known about the group,
their activities and whereabouts are kept under a very tight seal--that you’d
think would be easy to crack. Their goal is said to be the elimination of all
other closures for wine besides the Screwcap. “We believe that a wine’s life
begins when it’s first screwed,” Screwy Stelvin wrote in his seminal (semenal?)
manifesto, “A Tree Barks in Brooklyn,” “and that those who continue to abort a
wine with TCA-laden corks should be killed, jailed, or forced to judge
Cab/Syrah blends from Paso Robles.” Dangerous words, indeed.

Cork forests in Portugal have
had to install elaborate security systems to keep TCA Baggers (known as "Quercus
Clowns" to authorities for their habit of piling 20 members into a Mini-Cooper)
from poisoning the ancient oaks. No one is allowed into the forest before he is
screened for explosives, hazardous materials and ah-so’s. Even so, there have
been breaches in security. In one famous case, a suicide bomber was able to get
access to a cork oak forest. His bomb badly misfired, however, and he simply
pinged around the forest off the trunks of the oaks for about thirty-five
minutes.

Alc Hide-a

The most dangerous of all the wine terrorist groups, Alc
Hide-a is led by the elusive and brilliant Osama bin Dealched. His band of
terrorists insist that wine over 12% alcohol is against God’s will, a sin that
deserves death, and lousy with food. Alc Hide-a is the most sophisticated of
the terrorist groups. New recruits are flown to secret training facilities in San Francisco where they
are indoctrinated in the evils of high alcohol by terrorist sommeliers secretly
pledged to the teachings of bin Dealched. While Homeland Security designates
all sommeliers as suspected terrorists, they usually don’t bother spying on
them. Sommeliers are notoriously easy to track. Just follow the trail of snoot.

Once indoctrinated, new recruits are taught to infiltrate
normal society to spread the word that lower alcohol wines are better, while
wines that are luscious, rich and satisfying are unnatural, corrupt and provide
far too much fun. Wine, Alc Hide-a believes, is not meant to be fun; rather, it
is meant to be brought to the table in order to rob a meal of as much pleasure
as possible, joys of the flesh being sinful and the work of Satan. They point
to all the dead winemakers in Hell as proof.

Osama bin Dealched is believed to be hiding in the emotional
desert of Napa Valley in a remote wine cave. He leads
tours for wine club members only.

The wine world has many terrorist groups determined to make us see that their way is not only the best way, but the right way. I only touched on a few here. Oh, I don't know, I may risk my life and expose a few more. Or I may not.

And, yes, Dean, I intentionally avoided the "terroirist" pun. Even the lamest wine blogger (a very high hurdle to get over) has used that. I prefer to create my own lame puns.

Subscribe to the HoseMaster via Email

About Me

After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.

Follow the HoseMaster

Meaningless Awards

What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine

"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..."--Robert Parker

"...With sometimes crude analogies and occasional droppings of f-bombs, Washam cleverly uses satire to expose the underbelly of the wine business. It's often hilarious stuff as long as you're not the one being lampooned.Washam takes no prisoners in skewering all that is silly, stupid, frustrating and pretentious about wine, and his favorite targets are other bloggers and writers. No one is immune."

--Linda Murphy in "Vineyard and Winery Management"

"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."--JancisRobinson.com

"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."

"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."

--Robert Parker

"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."

--San Francisco Chronicle

"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion."--Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine

"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."

--Steve Heimoff

"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."

--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times

"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."

--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences

"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."

--1WineDude

"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."

--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"

"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."

--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"

"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."