Little did I know that when I met my husband he came as a package deal.

Meet Wyatt.

See that white thing on the ground in front of him? That is a marshmallow. Bob gave him a marshmallow and he took it to the back yard and stood guard over it. For at least a half hour. He did not want to come back in the house as he did not want to leave his marshmallow alone outside in the elements. Eventually, for lack of a better choice he ate it. He has many strange habits. He takes six pieces of dog food from the bowl and brings them into the living room to eat them. I have to clean handfuls of dog food from underneath the couch cushions every week, despite the fact that I am diligent about making sure he doesn’t get on the couch with food. I have no idea what goes on in this house when I am gone. I don’t really want to know.

If Wyatt had a voice it would be the same as Patrick Star from Spongebob Squarepants.

I also had baggage…er…a dog when Bob and I met.

Meet Wrigley.

Wrigley is a neurotic mess. He is afraid of his own shadow, Hates the smell of nail polish and will bite your leg off if you act like you are attacking me. He also herds most of our company and if you stray too from from the rest of the group he will nip your leg. For this reason we keep him in his cage while visitors are here. You are taking your life in your own hands if you come in with a hat on or bring helium filled balloons. I’d compare Wrigley to the cowardly lion in Wizard of Oz with a little sprinkling of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde.

Bob often jokes that if a burglar came into the house Wyatt would let them in, ask if they had treats or a ball. He’d escort them to whatever they needed, here’s the TV, here’s the computer, here’s the family silver and then, as they tried to leave you’d hear kind of like the dad in ‘The Shining’, “heeeerrrrre’s Wrigley”. And Wyatt would be saying as they ran away “Come back tomorrow but bring a ball!”

When one of the dogs leaves an unexpected deposit in the house the question of who cleans it up is answered by “Whose dog did that?” If it’s your dog you clean it up.

If it is on the carpet it is usually Wyatt. Our entire house is wood floors with the occasional door mat. Inevitably if Wyatt has a stomach disorder the results are deposited on those tiny areas where it is much harder to clean up or remove smells. They are not allowed in the basement as there is no one to watch them down there. Our basement is a 14 x 22 foot space with a 5 x 8 braided rug with a table on it that covers most of it. Despite not being allowed down there I have found deposits left there…on the rug only.

Can I just mention here that Bob and I both have issues with cleaning these things up? For me it often includes gagging. Bob’s fear is a too thin paper towel and an inadvertent leak to the fingers. So after ‘an occurrence’ we have to discuss what has happened and go over hazards that may result from cleaning it up.

Here’s how it goes in our house if there is a funny noise or smell in our house.

Brawwwwk. (This example uses a funny noise as a warning signal that something bad has just happened.)

I see what has been done. (It’s on the carpet by the back door.)

Me: Ewwww, that’s YOUR dog.

Bob: What?

Me: You didn’t hear that? Look. I say this while pointing.

Bob: On the rug? Someone should clean that up.

Me: What is it?

Bob: He ate his food too fast and then barfed it up. It’s his food. He does that sometimes.

Me: Well I know that but it’s in a round ball, usually when he hacks up his breakfast it comes out looking like it did going in. Are you sure he didn’t eat something he wasn’t supposed to?

Bob: Someone should clean that up. It looks stringy.

Me: Gross!

Bob: I know. Who’s gonna get that?

And as if on cue Wyatt goes over to investigate having forgotten what he’d done and decides to ‘clean it up’.

Me: Wyatt!

Wyatt looks embarrassed and walks away.

Bob: Oh that’s it. Now you have to clean it up. That’s what dogs do, they eat they throw it up and then they clean it up, you stopped the natural order of things, you clean it up.