Thursday, October 27, 2016

"Say 'Hello'"

I have regularly been vilified – that’s “mildly criticized”,
for the highly sensitive – for my unacceptable phone etiquette.

(Note: This post will be a litany of excuses,
followed by regret.Just in case you
roll your eyes at the excuses – rest easy.I get my comeuppance in the end.)

Some famous writer long ago said… something like,

“I hate the idea that anyone with a nickel is his pocket can
make a bell ring in your house.”

That’s how I feel about telephones.

Throw in the quote from the Walter Brennan character in Red River:

“I never liked strangers.Because no stranger ever ‘good-newsed’ me.”

That’s how I feel about strangers calling me on telephones.

(Just offering a contextual underpinning before we proceed.)

I’m a traditionalist.The phone rings, I answer it.(Don’t talk to me about “Caller I.D.”It is not in the mix.)Who
knows?It could be a family member in
need of assistance.Though that emergency
situation has been fortunately rare, the possibility thereof lays me open to
the world.

A world that, in pursuit of personal objectives, never
considers my inconvenience.

(Note to Myself:Write an acceptable post about “self-interest”… in a culture that
believes that “self-interest”
benefits the “common interest.”Remember the musical Li’l Abner:“What’s good for
General Motors is good for the
U.S.A.”?Self-interest is the engine of capitalism.Good luck trying to harpoon that sacred… whale.)

Moving right along…

Ten times a day – and some days, substantially more often – even on Sundays – you are
sitting at the table, or heading contentedly to the “facilities”, or dropping dreamily
off to sleep, and

I have heard telemarketers have the ability to call clusters
of people at the same time and whoever answers the phone first, that’s who they talk to.Sometimes, I wait them out.Best-case scenario:I pick up the phone after three rings and
there’s nobody there, because some other “Unfortunate” picked up before I did.But sometimes, my response is compulsively Pavlovian.The phone rings once.

“Hello.”

“Hello, Mr. Pom… Pominatz…”

And they got me again!

Sometimes – more frequently than any other kind of call – it’s the family member of a building
contractor – “My husband’s a contractor” or “My Dad is a contractor” – I guess
the actual contractor is too shy or embarrassed to speak on the phone –
informing me that they are currently in my neighborhood, offering free
estimates on home repair.(After a thorough
inspection:“Doesn’t look like you need anything.”How often do you think that happens?)

Sometimes, it’s a “Clean Air” operation, informing me about government
rebates on solar panels.Sometimes, it’s
the Santa Monica “Canine Patrol”, soliciting money for police dogs.Sometimes… I don’t know who it is because I hang up when they pronounce my name wrong.

And of course there is the recorded message announcing the
IRS is about to sue me.

Is there any surprise I am impatient whenever the phone
rings?

No really.Is there?

Okay, so yesterday morning, I am immersed in my blog writing.The phone rings. I pick it up to make it stop ringing.And I hear a
pre-recorded woman’s voice say,

“I am the mother of a child with severe allergies who needs EpiPen to save his life…”

Hearing it’s a “Robo-call”, I reflexively hang up.

I then feel immediate regret.

A mother whose child desperately needs medicine, and I slam down
the phone before hearing how I can help.Was I not listening?Or was I too
busy feeling “justifiably aggrieved”?

I attempt to salvage the debacle, retrieving the 2016 “General
Election Sample Ballot.”Maybe her call
was to ask me to vote for one of the (seventeen) California initiatives.(Which I unquestionably would have.)

I assiduously go down the list:

The “Firearms Ammunition Sales” initiative?

I don’t think that’s it.

The Marijuana Legalization” initiative?

“EpiPen” is about allergies, not “Lucy in the sky with
diamonds.”

“Condoms for Porn Stars”?

That’s not the one.Though truth be told, I would be less likely to hang up on an Adult Film
star’s mother.

The solicitation is probably related to the “Prescription
Drugs” initiative, but I do not know for sure.I feel terrible.

“Hair Trigger” responses:Bad for presidents.Bad for
Pomerantz.

But you see, we get all these calls…

It is always helpful to have somebody to blame.Still, somewhere, a little boy is having trouble
with allergies…