Monday, August 30, 2010

Today was my first day back to work after a week off. Actually I took a week & a day off, 48 glorious ETO hours. The smart thing to do, I see retrospectively, would've been to take last week+today off. But I took 8/20 off and then 8/23-8/27. If I'd worked on 8/20, it would've given me a smidge more time to tie up pre-vaca loose ends...as it was, I wound up staying until 10 of 6 on Thurs 8/19 trying to do just that (I'm supposed to get out @ 4:30pm) If I'd taken today off instead, I might not have woken up this morning bellowing the surliest "Fuuuuuuuuuck!" ever bellowed by a human larynx. Sure, I would've only been postponing the inevitable return-to-work shitstorm by 1 day, but I woud've had two 4day weeks in a row. That woulda been marvy. But a damned moot point now, eh?

Well, when I was off, it seems like everything that coulda gone wrong DID. OK, there was no zombie-pocalypse. But everything else went wrong. I got a lot of "SIIIIIGH!! I am SO GLAD you are back!" I figure that was about 10% people genuinely missing the wonderful me-ness of me, and 90% people terribly put out at having to encounter some of that downhill-rolling shit that I am generall poised at the bottom of the hill to field. I suppose that's job security right? Should be reassuring. Empirically, I see how it could be, how I really ought to perceive it in today's economy. But truly, I just find it annoying. It vexes me that I can't take time off with having to beg, and bargain, and beg some more to get any coverage for my duties, and I still come back to a load of catch -up and bonus damage control work.

What is the name of the superpower of materializing matter out of nothing? Most superpowers have a concise, one word name,(flight, telekinesis, superstrength, etc etc) so that one ought to as well , si? I only mention this because I'm thinking that that super power would be the very best way to become obscenely rich without working for it (and that is MY DREAM, y'know) There's being an heiress, but really I could do without hassles from the paparazzi. Or you could rake in beaucoup $$ from a lawsuit of some sort, but the legal arbitration while it lasted could be work, of sorts. Plus if you have grounds for a big moolah settlement, chances are you are very sick or gimpy. So, conjuring currency out of nothing...that's the *ultimate* means to my fantasy fortune. I mean, when you needed to procure a luxe suite at the Chateau Marmont, you just find a shadowy nook of the lobby, scrunch up your forehead and then, moments later pile up a few stacks of benjis on the check -in counter. You pay up front with cash you can book your room under any loco pseudonym you wanna. Theophilus Thogmartin. Petra VanDerTaco. Whatever. And ohmigod, the tax perks--the IRS wouldn't have nothin' on ya. Also, cool--it would enable me to carry around a fashionable empty purse , and just Mary Poppins stuff out of it as needed. I mean, that's no minor perk, you have no idea how heavy my purses are at times!! Often, when I park it on the passenger's seat, the unbuckled passenger light flashes while I drive around. Yeah, I've contemplated the if-you-could-have-any-superpower-what-would-you-pick? question (which, astoundingly, is NOT on the Proust Questionnaire...totally seems like it would be) and super strength & telekinesis immediately sprang to mind in the past (NOT telepathy--which would just be an abyssmally DEPRESSING superpower). But I've changed my mind. Materialism is my pick...or would you call it conjuring? That doesn't sound right. I'm going to call it "Mary Poppinsing" until I get some official terminology.

Monday, August 23, 2010

So I like swapping out my desktop imagery, but I do give each pick a fair 2 or 3 week run. I just took off James Tissot's The Artist's Ladies (you know, I very much like Tissot..on my way to finding that page to link you to I spotted 6 other Tissot pics I couldn't live without that I was compelled to save to my hard drive) and switched to the work above : The Windmiller's Guest by Edmund Blair-Leighton. One thing I like in a painting is when it presents a tableau, alludes to a backstory. I always really enjoy that (provided that it is rendered in a style that I find pleasing) So, yeah, that's why I have Windmiller's Guest saved in my computer. I always right click + save when I find stuff I like (often on ArtMagick or the Athenaeum) not really because I MUST possess the image (though sometimes, I 'spose) but I just am always sure that I *WILL* forget the artist and/or painting name and where I came across it. I suppose I could favorite it, or book mark it. OK--quick confession-- I'm forever adding to my Favorites list, but I have never bookmarked a page. What the hell is the difference? Actually, I just hopped on to a different site on another tab to try out bookmarking , but I couldn't find a way to do it...I know I've seen that option in the past. Wonder if it is passe and got axed from newer versions of Explorer. I feel like a total clueless noob now...and I've veered way off topic. Was saying that I could use Favorites to keep track of artwork that I like, but that takes memory too, so why not just save the pic (when possible)?

I like that there seems to be some sort of situation percolating here. And really, even if he's 1/2 obscured and made of paint, isn't the windmiller kind of dashing in a 70s Harlequin novel sort of way?? His name, I've decided, is something like Gerolt Van Der Slake (because--durrr--he's Dutch).

Saturday, August 21, 2010

When I buy songs offa iTunes they automatically go into a "Recently Added" playlist. And because these songs are fresh, new, thrilling acquisitions, I tend to opt for the "Recently Added" playlist for a soundtrack to tooling around in my car. I was listening tonight as I drove back from a party, and thought "interesting mix of songs" and that thought led to "Interesting enough to parlay into a blog post??" And the answer to that is ...probably not. But it's not as if I have any better ideas.

So, without further adieu, let's have us a look-see at the last 15 songs I put on my iPod.

1. Kaliyugavardana-- WTF, right?? Last Wednesday night my sister conned me into going to see Eat, Pray, Love. Not exactly my top pick, but I was overdue for some delish oversaturated popcorn, so what the hell, right? I noticed a number of decent songs during the movie and wondered if it might then have a worthwhile soundtrack. There was one song from the scene where she arrives in India and is in a cab in the insane city traffic and it's a very Bollywood, hyper sort of song and I dug it. Of course, I didn't already know it, had no clue as to the title, so when I looked up the EPL soundtrack on iTunes and saw "Kaliyugavardana" in the track listing, I suspected that may be it. And from the 30 second sample of sitar I heard in the iTunes preview, I really could not tell. But nope. This is NOT the arriving-in-India song. I dunno where this one was in the movie really, though it was for sure in the Indian segment . It's not awful, and the World Music subsection of my iPod could use building up.Watching EPL also moved me to purchase...2. Heart of Gold [Neil Young]-- there were 2 Neil Young songs in that movie. This one and "Harvest Moon". I'd been wanting "Heart of Gold" for a while, so this just kinda reminded me of that. I do like "Harvest Moon" a bit, so maybe I'll get that on a future iTunes spree. Oh , by the by, are you acquainted with Jimmy Fallon's excellent Neil Young impression? Love that Jimmy.3.Kookie Kookie (Lend me your Comb) [Edd Byrnes]-- I'd heard that phrase before "Kookie, Lend me Your Comb" but had never heard the song until it came on while I was shopping a coupla weeks ago. I can't remember what store I was in, not that it matters too terribly much, but still, I've been straining me brain over it because maaaaan, it's just going to drive me bonkers that it's eluding me. Well anyways, the song--

It's got a classic 60s slow-twist beat...saxophone..the sax doesn't really show up in pop music quite like it used to does it? (though there was sort of a sax renaissance in the 80s..but it had a different feel to it... it was not the fun, campy sax of yore, but the hypersexy Sergio kinda sax.) And add to the vintage groove--every single scrap of youth slang they could cram into two minutes and seven seconds!! It really cracks me up to imagine real life people talking like that. I don't mean to sound dismissive, I actually like old-timey slang. I think a lot of it is more creative than the parlance of today (actually, I have been lusting after these for quite a while. Only 70 more shopping days 'til my b-day, peoples!!) but I think when you O.D. on slang--of any time period--in your speech it becomes silly. Which is not to say I don't like silly. That's why I like this song. I had to ask my dad about that last line--"Baby, you're the GINCHIEST" Did people really truly say ginchy? Yes, he told me. I think he's gotta be bullshitting me.4. Get Low [Li'l Jon & co.]-- To tha WINDOOOOW! To tha WALL! Classic. I just can't believe I didn't already have this song. I hate to condone vocal profiling or anything, but it's an undeniable truth: Li'l Jon and his cohorts (East Side Boyz, Ying Yang Twins, et al. ) all sound like dirty bastards. Not ODB,dearly departed and of Wu Tang fame, rest his soul. . . but just random generic dirty bastards. Now you can have a guy sing smut and have it sound sexy (Trent Reznor, for an example) but ugh..none of these guys. This is toothless guy swillin' libations from a paper bag, and hollering at you from a shadowy nook 'neath an overpass soundin' shit. So it's just as well that their lyrics are 98% mysogenistic raunch, as probably anything outta their mouths is gonna sound that way. Like, if either Ying or Yang read the copy on a box of Pop Tarts...it would sound dirrrrrrty.5. Rye Whiskey [the Punch Brothers] --sort of the other end of the spectrum of Get Low, but I love 'em both. I never used to like this sort of old timey hillbilly jam but I LOVE the stuff now. It's quite a drastic taste 180 and if it's an aftereffect of some sort of head trauma I can't remember any such incident (amnesia perhaps??) I love the "musicianship" of this...and the "OH BOY!" yell is a particularly delightful bonus

6. Cruel to be Kind [Nick Lowe]

7.Good [Better than Ezra]-- I remember this song getting a lot of air play when I was in high school, and it amused me to sing in the chorus "I really wanna WAFFLE, 'cause they're GOOD!" I still sing that. It's funny because it's true! Well no. Yes, it is true (who doesn't love waffles??) but the comedic value is rather questionable. Oh, speaking of waffle-love.... whoever decided they oughtta get paired with CHICKEN ? Was it Roscoe that thought of that?? I love both, but this phenom has never made any sense to me.

8. Boom! I Got Your Boyfriend [M.C. Luscious]-- Further proof (not that it was needed) that I am predisposed to like any song with the word "Boom" in it. For reals. Think of a "boom" song. Betchya I like it!!

9. Birdhouse in Your Soul [They Might be Giants]-- This is the one that's presently stuck on loop in my noggin. Great lyrics to this song. I like that the singer has a quirky sort of voice. Like the Violent Femmes lead singer..he has this weird off-key shitty singing voice that I dig. I think that's why everyone (ok, not everyone..let's say every other one) came outta college with a special place in their ticker for Blister in the Sun --cause you would be drunker'n a ton of bastids and belt it out terribly and off key and it seemed to come out just perfect. Because that's how Gordon Gano sang it (yeah, I didn't know that dude's name...I just snuck off on a quickie jaunt over to Bing) Anyways, the They Might Be Giants guy..he has a nerdy, poindexter science teachery voice. Although, maybe I'm adding the science teachery undertones due to my knowing that TMBG have put out a few educational kiddie albums since the early 00s and the last one was entitled Here Comes Science. But that poindexter tag is totally objective. You know who else sings like a nerd? The singer in Cameo. At least, in Word Up he sounds nerdy. And you wouldn't expect that coming from a dude in a shiny red codpiece. Super-freakydeakiness, certainly. But nerdiness. . .notsomuch!

10-13. I stumbled onto this cool list from Paste mag : The 23 Greatest Sci-Fi Songs Of All Time I was inspired to track down a number of the songs on there. The first song listed is some Daft Punk reworking of Queen and it's "We Will Robot Rock You" and though I liked it, I never did track it down on iTunes. I searched "Robot Rock Daft Punk" and came up with quite another Daft Punk song, which I LOOOVED (Robot Rock from their 2005 release Human After All) I also saw that "Technologic" was a popular pick off that album so I got that one too. Numero 18 on the Paste countdown was "Spaceman" by the Killers. I hadn't heard that song but am really digging it. I love the Killers anyway. The last sci-fi song I got was "Robots" by Flight of the Conchords. I had seen it in Season 1 of FOTC ( I have the DVD of Season 1 & Season 2 is on my iPod. I can't find that DVD anywhere. Whaddya wanna bet if I broke down and re-purchased Season 1 that lost DVD would miraculously reappear?? That friggin' happens to me ALL THE TIME) Anyways, I had forgotten how much I loved their robot song. And the CD version was even better than the song as they did it on the show. So forgive the dull, inert embed vid, it was the only one that offered that superior version ..

14. Fade in to You [Mazzy Star]-- I found this on some "forgotten one hit wonders of the 90s " compilation. I always am very hasty to skip past during my driving-around-listening-to-the-Newly-Added-Playlist-cruises , but it does have its uses. It is very nice drift-off-to-slumbertown music.

15.Naked Eye [Luscious Jackson]--probably got this off the same 90s mix as #14. But this track is allowed in the car.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

This People mag article caught my eye today. The "Caught in the Act!!" headline certainly implies that they was doin' somethin'-somethin' newsworthy, (if you catchy my drift, nudge nudge wink say no more) but NO.. Justin Bartha & girlfriend Ashley Olsen were only noshing on lobster with pals. WHA? Justin Bartha and ASHLEY OLSEN?? For reals?? I'm certainly not prez of the Justin Bartha Fan Cub (nor am I even a member) but he seems like such a swell fellah and he's rather a looker, and I feel sure he could do better than that. I feel like he would have the good sense to wanna do better than that!!. He seems like he is a good sort, & has a good head on his shoulders and as I type out that I realize I'm imagining him being in real life pretty much the same dude as the character he played in The Hangover (basically, the only sane one). Not realistic, but however he is..he's "dating down", I'm certain of it.

So an oddball matching that took me by surprise, but I can't knock 'em indulging in a good lobster feed. I love me some lobster as well, but I haven't had one yet this summer. I think I might take a day in my vaca (have 8/23-27 off) and go to York ME and do : beach, Stonewall Kitchen , & Foster's Clambake (not necessarily in that order!) Oh, and my friends that do Maine all the time tell me I have to got to some shop called Renny's (or Rennie's??) But I believe that's in Sacco (know it's not in York)....

For your perusal...Now that features a rather dreadful photo of Mr ZG (and y’know, I’ve seen old, pre-fame photos of him—circa 92 perhaps—where he was rather a looker. Really!) HOWEVER, I find the news item charming. I heart him even more now.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I was watching some old Soul Train the other night (I effing LOVE that show). Was kinda wishing actually, that I looked like Chaka Khan circa 1975. Behold how very amazing she is--

And of course, awesome voice too (durr). If that were me, I would probably rehab that weird hybrid coiff (it's not simply a wild bushy mane, just that would be OK, but there are straight, flat tendrils trailing out from under the bushiness that make it odd) but for the most part I'd be pretty content with my aesthetic situation.

Comcast on Demand has a whole bunch of Soul Train offerings: they offer up clips, and then clip playlists, and 1 or 2 full episodes. I like the full eps because they include the original commercials (90% of which are for Afro Sheen hair product or Ultra Sheen cosmetics) I don't know why I so enjoy old commercials but I do. There was this really cool 7up commercial I LOVED but incredibly, couldn't track down on YouTube. Well, I discovered during my searching that 7up put out a lot of pretty rad advertising in the 70s. So I'll give you one of those here (in lieu of my commercial which was like a cartoon anthropomorphised hamburger amidst art nouveau-ish back drops-- not to be confused with the funny anthropomorphised burger guy that walked into a menswear shop. Anyways this one's kinda achieves a pop art Busby Berkley type deal...

And lastly, was pondering over music of the Soul Train ilk and hmmmm..I decided on what is my very favorite disco song ever. Seeing it in perfomed thusly adds a whole 'nuddda level of awesomeness.

The co-lead singer is wearing A TURBAN. Not donning it in any ethnic way, but rather as a *glamour* turban. Marvy. And those dance moves!! Heavens!! Great moves for astounding the rest of the dancefloor (or for extinguishing your ass if, by chance, it were to burst into flame)

Me: Ya know the point of your gums right behind your two front teeth? I burnt that. I freeekin' HAAATE it when that happens!!Holly (I wasn't necessarily talking to Holly. I have this tendency to address the whole room with little concern as to who listens/responds. Holly is often the only one good enough to humor me) : What? On like hot food?Me: No. I was styling my tongue hair and bit down on the curling iron.

Here's an illustration of how very often my smartass reflex is way faster than my "Is this kind / socially kosher to say?" filters. See I was being all sorts of annoying right from the get go: bitching about minutiae...to anybody + everybody...on a MONDAY morning of all mornings. Then, Holly is nice enough to propogate this turd of a convo, and then BLAM MM-O!! I would not be friends with me if I were her. Methinks she has a mighty masochistic streak....

Friday, August 13, 2010

Anybody watching this season of Project Runway? Weh-ell, we's only 3 eps into it, so getting caught up is still doable. If you're like me you've loved the show in the past and after a couple of seasons' neglect, intending to tune in, you're recommitting yourself for Season 8.(Well, to be entirely accurate, I was totally faithful seasons 1-3, skipped season 4, came back for seasons 5-6, and skipped last season entirely) Even if you're not like me, just tune in because I command you to (and because you love me and SO enjoy pandering to my every whim)

I find it's hard not to rule by personality when watching this show. Ideally, one should be judging on talent and talent alone. But you only get a sense of these folks' talent one design at a time. Like, in the season premiere they will show a glimpse of some of the designers' portfolios...but only a few and if you blink, you'll miss it. I would love for them to do like a 1/2 hour pre-season show that documents the auditions.But they don't, so anyways. . . you're stuck getting dribs and drabs of each designer's style and in the meantime, it's tough not to pick your faves according to personality.

Initially, I was excited by Gretchen. Her introductory blurb mentioned her having a "70s aesthetic"--I could get behind that. Then I loved her Ep1 dress and was glad she won that challenge. I liked her Ep 2 get up, and even if I did think Valerie's dress more deserving of a win, I wasn't *appalled* that Gretch won again. But I found myself saying, during episode 3, "if Gretchen wins again, I will THROW MY DIET COKE AT THE TV!!" (luckily, beverage lobbing did not end up being necessary)

I wouldn't say I've done a complete 180, and am now anti-Gretchen. I guess I'm on the fence. She is smug and know-it-ally...this seems irrefutable. But I can't decide if she is truly so immensely, obnoxiously smug and know-it-ally as she is coming off now. I mean, every good PR season needs a villain...don't tell me the editors don't have that in mind. But they've done an effective job spinning her as a pain-in-the-ass, I do for sure find her annoying. Particularly her "CAN I TALK NOW.." moment backstage at the runway show. I tend to hate people who do "CAN I TALK NOW?" But you know who I'm finding even more disdain-worthy ?? Everybody talking smack about Gretchen. I sure as hell have a catty streak, I won't lie. But I have a guilty, Catholic catty streak that does battle daily with my "let's give everybody the benefit of the doubt" streak. But, yes, the cattiness is there, and I comprende the catty impulse. But I tend to take care whom I let loose the cattiness with. And gawwwd, if I were being filmed...I'd be absolutely the soul of discretion. I know...I would be a miserable failure on reality TV-- emotionally guarded, low drama, quasi-literate. Siiiigh..it's a curse..and here I soooo had my heart set on popping up in Season 3 of Jersey Shore. But anyways April & Peach I thought were looking pretty shabby by all their bitching and dissing they were doing. They probably make perfect roomies, those two. And again, I'm not saying they're wrong, that Gretch is utterly lovely but... it is not false to dislike someone and keep mum about it. It's just civil.

So by contrast, I'm kinda liking all these people who are not griping about Gretchen. Surely they want to. But they're taking the high road-- I dig that. Andy seems --thus far--to be a sweet kid...so I was glad he won. Out of the top 3 the judges picked, he deserved it for sure, in my opinion. Though I dunno if I woulda picked those 3 as a top 3. There were 4 I liked best-- Michael C did that awesome red get up...that mighta been my absolute fave. I also woulda picked :Christopher, Andy, &Valerie. Yeah, they don't do a top *4*--I know, I know. I just don't think Gretchen deserved that spot. Her work was definitely NOT bottom 3 material, but I think she got put in the top 3 for dramatic purposes only. Yeah, yeah, she made separates, and the jacket was cool, I'll give her that. But BFD on the shirt and the skirt was cool and spangly-sparkly, but it was that way out of the package I reckon. All she really had to do was to skirt-ify it. Big whoop. Since I can't do a top 4, I woulda had it be Andy, Valerie & Michael C. But I did really dig Christopher's.,..

Oh, and as for the elimination, I was in TOTAL agreement. That broad seemed nice enough but that outfit was bush league. . . .foliage pun totally intended :) !!!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Again I am perusing the news and latching onto --not the items that have long-term and/or international import-- but the quirkier bits. I love this tale of Steven Slater.

Of course, my immediate reflex is to applaud Mr Slater. My gut response is that this move was all sorts of awesome. But some story I read (or maybe that vid I embedded? I can't recall..) makes the point that deploying the emergency shute early could've potentially injured tarmac crew. That makes me think that maybe punishment for Slater is not such a ludicrous notion. Also, what was the tone of the rant? If it was a hollering, top-of-the-voice, spittle-spraying rant, then, even if it was directed at one rude bitch, I can see how it might upset the other passengers. This is going to make me sound like a bit of a wuss, but I get scared when there's somebody yelling at somebody else. Even if I have nothing to do with it. A real life example for ya-- last month I went to NYC with 2 friends, 1 of which had this teeensy little bladder that perpetually required emptying. I swear, in the gigantic metro, the only bathrooms we could find were in Starbucks. It would seem we weren't the only ones...HUGE lines for the loo!! So I was waiting with A in one of these lines, and on the other side of this divider screen (sitting at this little table in the front window, just to the left of the door/vestibule area) was this scruffy lookin' fellah/ probable vagrant. He was very much enjoying the AC I take it, because whenever anyone lingered with the door open for the slightest instant (holding the door for another of their party, perhaps) he would yell, top volume "SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR, MOTHERFUCKER!!" Now, typing about it now, a whole month later, it just seems kinda funny...maybe a little sad when you ponder the socioeconomic elements...but mostly funny. But at the moment I was...quite nervous.

See, my reasoning is this (and we're going to add a hearty dash of "paranoid" to my wuss rep here..) you really don't know when somebody's going to pull a Glock and render you collateral damage. So you should be on your guard. Seriously. No, I don't watch a lot of action movies. Really, I don't.

Well, I've digressed a bit. I'm just pointing out that if Steven Slater had the fury cranked up to the max, he might have spooked a number of perfectly polite passengers that didn't have it coming. But really, I have a feeling that this "tirade" was of the sassy, 4-snaps-in-a-Z-formation variety. And that's just good times ...even for skittish ol' me. And the "possible danger to tarmac crew" thingie? Well that's just me playing devil's advocate there. Coulda hurt someone...but it didn't. I'm not one of the mindless hoardes that's crowing "Oh, he should get off scot-free! He's a hero! He should get his job back! And a raise! And a ticker tape parade!!" I know that sounds dumb...but it is being said...and I think that about 1/3 of those remarks are utterly in earnest. OK, he is a bit of a folk hero... obviously rather low down on the heroism scale, certainly ranked 'neath them ones that heft overturned semis off of toddlers and whatnot. But you really can't pull a stunt like that and retain your job/ get your job back. Thems the breaks. And I don't think it would be unreasonable to hit him with a wee fine for possible coworker endangerment. But beyond that, I don't think this guy needs to be punished. One of these news stories (again, I can't recall which) said charges against him could result in up to 7 years imprisonment??? That's nucking futs. I know dropping the "7 years" in there was just good dramatic reporting, but really, any imprisonment is uncalled for, in my opinion.

Monday, August 09, 2010

I BING searched the word shizer, because I wanted to grumble--via my FB wall-- that the results of Last Comic Standing were total BULL SHIZER. I think "bullshit" is every bit as played out as the word "cool". I do realize that there are many, many thousand overutilized words out there in the mouths of the masses, but certain ones I feel more keenly than others. Namely, "cool" and "bullshit". So often I'll opt for "bull shizer" rather than "bull shit" --it's not terribly clever, no, but it's incrementally less trite. Anyways, everytime I opt to use "shizer" in print, I second guess the spelling. And you know I cannot bear imperfect spelling (hence the aforesaid Bing search). Anyways, one of the search results (down low on the page) mentions a Kaiser von Shizer and that amused the hell out of me. Sometimes I am just amused by funny sets of rhyming words...stupid, I know. Like in one of MAD magazine's margin doodles from a 1988 or 89 issue they had a little picture of a booth labelled "Afghanistan Banana Stand" and that's amused me for like 20 yrs now. But "Kaiser von Shizer"..haaa!!... that may just top it. I didn't dare click on the link of course. It was something on YouTube and the last thing I wanna be watching on my computer is some sick poop fetishist's handiwork. No siree, Frank. I save that sort of viewing for my work PC. JUST KIDDING. Oh gag. Just the notion that those people are out there. ..ugh. Y'know, I read a news story back in 2005 that really stuck with me...I mean, I don't mean to pass over vitally important world / political news in favor of everything bizarro...it's not my intent anyways, but I just wind up doing that. Being a Fark fan, that'll happen. Oh, yes, the 2005 news story...well here it is, plus its un-fucking-believable epilogue, where the nut is picked up A SECOND TIME for lurking in the below-deck cucca swamps of an outhouse. How. fucking. disgusting.Okay, quick topic switch to automotive matters while you try to curb your uncontrollable gagging. I don't live in a high crime area by any means but I ALWAYS lock my car. My Dad asked me one day, jokingly, "What are you worried about? Someone stealing your car?" The joke there is that my car at the time--this was years ago-- was an embarrassing heap of junk. Actually, my present car is a likewise heap of junk. At any given time, it's a safe bet to presume that my vehicle is more junky than not. But anyhooo, my response to my Dad's jibe...I sez to him I sez "I don't really care if anyone steals my car. I just don't want anyone lay down and hide in the back and then pop up and slit my throat when I get in my car." (this remark alarmed my Dad and he said I should get a gun...he is nothing like the Mom in Christmas Story... crazy sumbitch...luckily I have the damn good sense to know that I'd shoot my eye out) Anyways, I was only 3/4 kidding with that comment. I don't know if I read a news story about sneaky vehicular Columbian neckties, but the phenom got planted in my head somehow. I rather suspect it was from one of those awful fecking safety PSA chain emails--gawwwd those are horrid. Well I want to make clear that I don't live paralyzed by the fear of such an attack. Yes, it is one of the myriad reasons I do lock my car . But it's a smaller factor in the decision than my HUGE fear of getting my iPod swiped. But everytime I get in my car , I cast a glance in the backseat. And of course--of course!!--I never see anybody there. And I don't really expect to. But I always look.

When that grody turd burglar got arrested for the 1st time, (both of his, errr, indiscretions happening in neighboring NH, I was displeased to note) it was when a 14 yr old girl entered the outhouse and..looked in the hole and...SPOTTED SOMEONE LOOKING BACK!! I feel like I should bellow that line with a flashlight uplighting my face because ...AAGH!! Forget the dude on the car roof with the hook or however that one goes...that is fecking TERRIFYING!! And so... much like my habitual backseat check...I always glance down the rabbit hole in the portapotty. I know! Grody!! I don't fucking want to! And I think maybe 40% of it is a warped reaction to this interior chant of "Don't look behind you don't look behind you don't look behind you stare at the door stare at the door don't look behind you don't look behind you.." that's playing in a loop inside my head. And it's 60% checking for scat-fiends (not ones that are singing scat, necessarily. I hadn't thought of that-- but oh mah word what a perfect storm of horrific that would be!!)

I went to a craft fair this weekend with my friend Roxanne and the line for el bano was hellah long. I kinda had to pee, but I got in line for 10 seconds and then I abandoned the line and was like, baah, eff it. I can be a pee camel and hold it ...lines bore me...I don't hafta go that bad. So moments later, Rox and I are walking to the lot where she parked (we had to park soooo effing far away this year!! ) and on the way out of the fairgrounds, there was a couple of portapotties--no lines, no waiting. I will say this, in favor of portapotties-- I like the dial that you turn to lock the door, how, when locked, there is an indicator proclaiming "OCCUPIED" to the world. That way all sane people can be spared from accidentally turd burgling, and you won't have any unexpected visitors while you concentrate on the back of that door and not breathing and not falling over while you conduct biz in that awful awkard hover squat. So, short story way too damn long, I did avail myself of the portapotty yesterday, and I exited gagging profusely and this made Roxanne laugh at me. And I said "I made the mistake of looking" And she said "Oh I always look. IT'S GROSS." WTF?

Speaking of shizer...the final outcome of this season of Last Comic Standing was total bullshizer. Ok, ok, weak segue (segues that begin "speaking of..." generally are weak) but I'd like to wrap up here on a note that doesn't make me wanna yarf. It occured to me that I was actually watching LCS like my Dad watches NASCAR. Like he actually jumps out of his chair and woohoos if a driver he dislikes runs into the wall. SHAMEFUL want of decorum there. But I was kinda like that tonight. I SWORE AT THE TV when Tommy Johnagin lost. He was an awesome comic and totally shoulda won. But, I said repeatedly, even before the outcome was announced. "I really want Tommy to win. But he won't. America never votes for who I think should win." This is historically founded fact... every competition show I watch, the person I root for LOSES. Often they come close to the win, but they invariably do lose. You'd think this would give me a complex, make me doubt my concept of funny or something but nope. I further bellowed "America never votes for who I'm rooting for because America is fucking stupid." I don't mean all of America is stupid. But a vast majority...they want plebeian humor that's hollering and humping their leg. The lowest common denominator. And therefore, I just knew that Felipe Esparza was going to win . Pathetic. Siiiigh.

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Summer TV sux. Which is a good thing, I suppose. If there's ever a season to haul your fat arse offa that couch, it's gorgeous, glorious summer. I guess if you gotta veg out in the summer, go catch a movie, and you can also bask in some arctic AC at the same time. BONUS. Or the drive-in. I love the drive-in, but I swear, I'm going to rent a projector and do my own drive-in because everytime I am jonesin' to go to the drive-in (and I have 2 within a 40min. drive radius.. a third option--a 4 screener-- if I wanna drive another hour )I look at the listings and they are playing shitty, shitty movies. Stuff I wouldn't watch if it was playing on the inside o' my eyelids.OK, well, sometimes they're playing 1 worthwhile movie along with 1 crap movie. But I cannot bring myself to pay the double feature price (affordable though it may be) to watch 1 movie. That's my Scot 1/4 possibly...

But back to TV... there's a few exceptions to the summertime small screen suckiness. I make it a point to regularly tune in to these exceptions. First up is Monday night on NBC: Last Comic Standing. I've looong been a fan of this show, and it pains me to say: this is the worst season yet. I mean, I still watch it, because even really bad LCS is still pretty good (it's like pizza in that way) but it just doesn't compare well with seasons of yore. I do like Craig Robinson as host. That was one change for the better. But I'm bummed that they ditched their old format. They used to come up with a final 12 through a series of auditions & a semifinal and then those dozen comics lived together in a house and every show that got some oddball challenge. For instance, in the last season (when that horrid Iliza won and that ADORABLE Jeff Dye was on) they did a challenge in a Bed Bath & Beyond store where they had to do an impromptu set of prop comedy (Carrot Top type schtick). They did stuff like that for 4 or 5 episodes and then pared it down to a final 3 that faced off in a standup showdown final. I MISS that format. Aside from the shitty format switcheroo, I'm also disappointed in the crop of comics they got. I really like Tommy Johnagin, and Roy Wood Jr is growing on me, but the rest: mehhh.

I'm VERY stoked that Project Runway has started up again. I do like this Gretchen...when she was talking about her style & portfolio, my ears pricked up, I was all: "ooh-wee! You had me at 70s aesthetic!!" And now Gretch has won 2 challenges in a row. I really did think she deserved it on the 1st show (lovely dress... I very much liked it) but I dunno about that jumpsuit. I liked the jumpsuit, but liked Valerie's dress more and I think it would've made for a better billboard. Speaking of injustices from Ep. 2, why the hell was Nicholas cut? I agree, that that blouse was stupid looking, but it was well made and even if he was misguidedly over-the-top with his get-up (I actually liked the skirt he did, and it looked good w/ that belt) it was still creative and well-made and I think that should have saved him for another week. I mean, if they absolutely HAD to do a double elimination, it shoulda been Peach & Jason. I think they just want to keep P around to appeal to the AARP set for another week or so (because, c'mon, she's bound to be cut soon, right??) I thought her polka dot dress was rather chintzy looking. Jason's elimination was righteous though. I had been routing for him to get the axe last week. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the whimsical bowler, but nevertheless, the dude was out of his league. I mean, he couldn't finish a garment, when all he was doing was reworking a kimono, by turning the sonofabitch backwards (oooh! mega-innovative!!) But even more unbearable than his lack of talent was his pissing & moaning that the judges didn't get him and how he deserved to be cut some slack because he's from tha streets, man. No, give me a break. So far I'm undecided on my fave. I like Gretchen , and I spotted some stuff from AJ's portfolio that intrigued me, even if AJ does seem a mite bitchy.

After Runway, I am so glad they got rid of that model-centric show that I never watched . I don't need to have ever watched it to know unequivocably that it wasn't as good as the magnificent "On the road with Austin & Santino". LOVE IT!!

Before watching it, I was a little miffed that Austin got top billing (as I am more of a Santino fan) but I got over that quickly enough. I had forgotten how very funny Austin was (though I still like Santino more). He was cracking me up in the 2nd episode, playing with those porcelain figurines as if they were Barbies. He is very strange and alien looking though. And holy shit , he needs a sandwich.... or 10. When did Santino become such a sweetheart? Like, he was really funny on Runway (he's still funny) but even while being a clown he was simultaneously the "Eff off, I'M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS" guy as well. That's why he became a fave of mine, perhaps. He's an interesting melange of elements. But now he's VERY friendly. And sweet natured. Not that that's a bad thing, it just surprised me. I guess because he's no longer in a competition he can now give free reign to his natural sweetness . Or maybe he's gotta be that way, if he wants to be an effective makeover fairy godfather.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Our agency has a new employee orientation at the start of every month. I spotted this new hire on Monday, the first day of orientation, and remarked to myself (in my head...I aim to keep my audible talking to myself at a minimum when at the office) that this guy looked exactly like the teenage boy on Two and a Half Men. I don't know if you watch Two and a Half Men (I don't) but even if you don't, it's probable that you've seen this kid pop up in something you've seen. He's fairly ubiquitous. I don't know if it's just for his sitcom character, but it seems to me like his default facial expression is dim + sulky . This aforementioned orientee definitely has that look going on.At work, one of my gigs is to pack the nurse bags & aide bags for dispensing at orientation. So for a coupla weeks before orientation, I have a list of new hires' names (and 1/4 of the time, it's actually accurate!) I'd seen that one of the new PCAs we were taking on was a male, so that was him I figured. It's always rare--and therefore noteworthy--for the VNA to take on men (I don't, for the record, think there's any discrimination goin' on..the men just ain't applying) and even rarer for them to hire on young men. Oh and this does NOT mean I was scoping this guy out ( I hasten to add)! The dim+ sulky 15 yr old look is not my cup o' tea (certainly not, I like 'em brighteyed & perky..in the Bieber mold of underage dreamboats. Haa) But I was just taking an interest in having a celeb (quasi celeb) doppleganger in our midst. Speaking of which, our Hospice director looks quite a bit like Oliver Platt, I've always thought. He's working on sprouting a beard now and that has downplayed the Platt-ness considerably.

Anyways, day 3 of orientation I noticed some dissimilarities that saved the rookie from being a total clone. Namely..boobs. * Yeah, it was more rainy & dreary than HOT on Monday & Tuesday, so Angus was wearing a sweatshirt. Yesterday was a smidge too stifling for a sweatshirt so she went with a fitted tee instead. No, these were not moobies. It was totally a she-rack. This teenage boy look alike is a girl!! How unfortunate. She really oughtta rethink that hairdo.

*I feel compelled to mention that I DO know that "Namely boobs" is not a valid sentence according to the laws of grammar, but I felt like it had too much rhetorical flair to be fixed.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

For the record, I don't have my nose in my laptop ALL day long. I also set aside some time for couch tatery. And I do enjoy communing with nature, which sounds daft and New Agey, I realize. Still, "spending time outdoors" feels like off verbage, because that could be construed as me being "outdoorsy" an adjective that I think connotes kayaking and mountain climbing, and while I suspect both activities are worthwhile, I don't partake in either. Not my bag. Too exercisey.

For some reason that has yet to dawn on me, I always find myself picking berries. Whatever's in season really, like I know what hills the wild strawberries grow on, (these have gone by, they peaked back in June, then the black raspberries came & went in July) and go check how the "crops" are (this is just wild growing stuff, I am not engaging in any manner of legal or illegal agriculture)and pick as many as I can. Right now it's blackberries. I got thoroughly perforated the other day picking blackberries (got some nice ones though) I was pondering, while delicately trying to creep through the sharp pricky branches, why blackberry bushes even have prickers. I mean, I don't know a lot about agriculture or botany or whatever, and by "not a lot" I mean NADA. But it seems like there is functionality present in the design of most all plant life. So WHY the ouchy thorns? Why stave off potential pickers/ gnoshers? I think it is beneficial for the plant for its ripe berries to be picked rather that just having them wither and dry up on the bush. So what the wha, blackberry bushes? You just don't wanna give up the berries easy...you're not slutty like them strawberry plants, eh?

I don't know why, but I always think of picking blackberries as a very French Canadian thing to do. This isn't linked to any preexisting ethnic stereotypes (that I know of) but it's simply because my Pepere's (my paternal grandfather...my Dad's side of the fam is 1000% Québécois) ad-libbed stories pretty much always started out with 2 anonymous little girls (stand ins for my sister and I) picking blackberries. Pretty much always they encountered a bear. I think the only variant was in their means of elusion/defense/escape. Also, when I get a whole lot of blackberries, my Dad will eat them on bread with sugar on them (a treat his father used to eat) and he calls that a miteau. I don't know that it's spelled like that, because I've never had my dad or Pepere spell it. I tried checking online for miteau, meteau, mito, even "blackberry bread sugar" , "blackberries, sugar, bread, Canada" and "blackberries on bread with sugar Canada" and...yeah, nothin'. I've binged the hell outta this sumbitch and basically the internets are telling me that this is a snackie my grandfather made up and slapped a French sounding made-up name on. Oh, I did learn that Miteau is a fairly common French surname, so maybe he named it after somebody.Could it be that no one in Quebec uses the internet? Or is Bing anti-Quebecois and I should take my quest to Google? Damn, I would hate to have to boycott Bing. I've made it my search engine of choice, and I really dig their picture-of-the-day thingie they do!!