Police Very Confused by People Sneaking Into Stinky Sewer

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The New York City Police Department is still somewhat baffled by the fact it had to arrest three somewhat-stinky and muck-covered men who broke into the sewer and went on a treasure hunt for four hours on Wednesday. “God knows what they were looking for, and damn sure I wouldn’t be crawling through the sewers of New York,” Police Commissioner Bill Bratton told reporters.

Residents were weirded out by the three men not-so-unobtrusively trying to lift a manhole cover in Flatbush, and called the police. One person told the New York Times, “It was like Indiana Jones in Brooklyn." One of the men worked part-time for the Department of Environmental Protection, and is accused of opening the manhole cover for his friends — maybe several times before the adventure that led to theirarrest.

Bratton said that the police department had no plans to make it harder to access the fetid underbelly of the city. “We’re not going to weld them all shut. Any idiot that wants to crawl below the streets unfortunately can do it byprying.”

The men, armed with metal detectors, did not find anything valuable while exploring — no diamonds, nor secret mail caches, misplaced family fortunes, or mutant reptiles. On the other hand, they did not find anything intensely undesirable, either — noxious gases, a body, an alligator — except for the police and the waste left behind by a city with millions of people init.