Monsters, Jokes, Analogies

Main Menu

A Cosmo Interview With Fourteen-Year-Old Daniel

Freshly graduated from eighth grade and making all the right(?) choices, Daniel Dockery is Hollywood’s Stephen King’s ‘It’ boy right now. We decided to probe his brain to gain some insight into his choices of fashion, his sexiest tips, and his advice for those seeking similar success.

Cosmo: So, what is that you’re wearing right now?

Daniel: Oh, this shirt? Haha, (head immediately tilts forward. He maintained eye contact with the floor for the remainder of the interview.) Haha. It says “THIS IS WHAT AWESOME LOOKS LIKE,” you know, for the readers at home, since they’re at home and can’t see it. Haha. Um.

At this point in the interview, we allowed Daniel to change shirts. He didn’t bring another one, so he just put on an over-sized Hawaiian button down. He spends the rest of the interview buttoning and unbuttoning the second button from the top.

Daniel: Did you ever see Blade 2?

Cosmo: Well, it’s no secret that the ladies find you irresistible, especially after your tour de force at the last Northwest Middle School dance.

Daniel: Yeah, I’ve been laid all the time before.

Cosmo: Let’s talk about that, if you don’t mind.

Daniel: I mind, I mean, I don’t mind. I don’t mind that we talk about it. I know where all the stuff is.

Cosmo: What turns YOU on?

Daniel: Like, what do you mean?

Cosmo: What gets you in the mood for sex?

Daniel: Oh! For sex! For a second, I was like “What is she talking about?” Hahaha! (His laugh echoes alone through the studio.) What gets me in the mood? Huh, okay. Umm. I like kissing. I like when I’m with a girl and we get close and you just like, know. You know?

Cosmo: I guess.

Daniel: Yeah, when it’s like, that moment.

Cosmo: Well, what are some of your favorite things to do in the bedroom?

Daniel: I HAVE had sex before.

Cosmo: You told us. We’re not arguing with you.

Daniel: Okay, cool.

Cosmo: Well, let’s move onto the final subject. Do you have any tips for people who want to be a successful actor/writer/pro wrestler/paleontologist like you?

Daniel: Like, be yourself, ya know? Because you’re important. Hold on. Can you ask me the question again? What was it?

Cosmo: Do you have any tips for people who want to be successful like you?

Daniel: Ummm, just, like, be unique. If you’re funny, be funny. If you’re, like, good at sports, play football. We’re all who we are, ya know?

Cosmo: Yes? Well, thank you, Daniel, for the interview.

Daniel: No, thank ME for the interview. Hahaha. Hold on.

After the interview, Daniel called our office seven times and flip flopped on the issue of whether or not to print the questions about sex, because it might make his parents angry. Eventually, he demanded that it remain a part of the interview, and asked if he could have two free copies to pass out to all of his friends at school.