A Juggalo is a member of the Insane Clown Posse's cult of personality. They are easy to spot, as they proudly wear their clown makeup in public, dress in dark clothing, and behave without any class or dignity. Typically hailing from trailer parks, these individuals are often overwhelmingly retarded, fat, ugly, gay, toothless, and use an insane amount of profanity in conversation that even EDiots would find excessive. All of them also have no taste in anything, smoke massive amounts of meth and are so helplessly retarded that if they killed themselves their parents would be proud. Most juggalos also opt out of their tax payer-funded public educations by the 8th grade. Strangely enough, despite claiming to enjoy ICP for their musical merits(Insinuating they enjoy rap in general), you will never hear them listening to any music groups outside of the Psychopathic Records label. They are utterly oblivious and often hostile to the reality that the band and its "music" is a parody, much like the more popular and successful joke of a white rapper, Eminem.

It's hard to believe the owner of this shitmobile actually has a license.

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Fans of ICP come in all sorts of shapes and sizes (but start off as only one color). They have a genetic defect that turns them first into niggers, and eventually into complete faggots. They are exclusively honkies or the product of a married suburban cumslut honky who gets knocked up by a nigger and then passes the mutt on as legitimate. The gene in question is activated when his (or her) father figure turns out to be a weak-kneed, cum-guzzling faggot. After the full onset of the disorder, symptoms include wearing bizarrely baggy clothing, dressing like a clown (including full makeup), drinking shitty Faygo soda, and sucking as much cock as possible, regardless of gender.

The male Juggalo (Juggalus retardus) is the most common breed of ICP fan. Clown makeup, as well as displaying how awesome a juggalo is, also works to mask the major acne issues that they tend to have. However, it is likely that wearing makeup all day is the main cause of their acne in the first place, which explains why Juggalos are still dressed like clowns when well into their twenties: To cover up their pus-filled sores.

In their youth, Juggalos often rebel against "The Man" in unique forms of protest (By saying "fuck" to their parents and teachers, and even going so far as to dress like clowns in school, assuming their peers do not administer frequent beatings for such behavior). Due to their accelerated education through the teachings of Insane Clown Posse, many feel fit to leave school early, opting instead for a life of cheap drugs, picking fights with other musical cliques, and trying to father a child in vain. In the non-Juggalo, or "Hater" world, this places their entire subculture on the same intellectual level as children, which perhaps explains the appeal of becoming a Juggalo to those beyond teenage years who suffer from serious mental retardation.

Juggalos form the crusty flakes of shit around the asshole of society. Their lack of formal education or goals in life(Outside the compulsive accrual of every stitch of official ICP merchandise they can get their hands on) means that their employment prospects are on par with illegal immigrants, ex-convicts, the mentally retarded, and sex offenders. To be fair, many Juggalos happen to fall into at least two of those aforementioned groups, with the exception of illegal immigrants due to the Juggalos' rich Aryan heritage. Despite these stigmas, Juggalos have a broad range of employment opportunity in many fields.

It is true, though hard to believe, that there is a female version of Juggalo known as a Jugalette (Juggala syphila). Their appearance is remarkably similar to that of the males, which is why many don't believe Juggalettes actually exist. Identifying a Juggalette from a Juggalo is like determining a penguin's gender; the only way to find out is to administer a blood test or a genitalia examination, both of which represent a significant bio-hazard to nearby countries. The precise mental gymnastics that allow Juggalettes to reconcile both the instruction to hate "haters" and being the obvious object of hate in all Insane Clown Posse songs are unknown.

The largest form of Juggalo, Jugalettes are invariably morbidly obese, and as breeding programs have shown, this problem in addition to their cheap drug addictions means that they are unable to successfully produce live offspring. Their natural habitat is the Gathering Of The Juggalos event where they run around topless or naked. Observing this horrible sight may ruin the prospect of getting a boner for at least 20 years.

Since no Juggalette can produce children that aren't horribly deformed, it is important that these children start listening to ICP immediately after birth: A sort of "baptism by bass boost", if you will. Their inability to give birth to anything worth living does not deter Jugalettes and Juggalos from copulating anyway, as the dead body of a Juggalo child (Or "ninjet") is an important bargaining tool while haggling for official merchandise and donations via official Juggalo media. Mentioning the dead child is usually sufficient enough for free T-shirts, medallions, and CDs. But in order to obtain the more expensive goods, the corpse presumably has to be mailed to Psychopathic Records along with a self addressed envelope.

The Nazi Juggalo (Juggalus hitlerus) or "Niggalo," wish to eradicate the blacks and gays, presumably to cover up the expropriation of their music and culture by ICP. Although they express affinity with National Socialism, they fail to realize that under the Third Reich, they would've gotten the gas chambers and ovens for being mentally unfit social degenerates.

Despite the general harmless nature of Juggalos outside of the Internet, there is always the small chance that a manufactured subculture which appeals to people who are white, who believe professional wrestling is real, and who have no friends, can occasionally attract the genuinely violent.

In February 2006, one brave Juggalo, jakejekyll, decided to take affirmative action with regards to the homophobic lyrics of the ICP, and entered a gay bar in Massachusetts attacking three people with a hatchet while shooting at them. Despite many years of audio training from listening to ICP, Jake's victims all survived. Whether it was because he had used an actual hatchet instead of the correct weapon (A meat cleaver, as illustrated by Psychopathic Record's "Hatchet Man" logo), or because listening to songs about snipers does not actually make you an expert marksman, will remain forever a mystery. During his short time as a fugitive from justice thereafter, Jake did manage to teach himself how to use his gun correctly, killing a police officer, his much older lover, and finally, himself. And nothing of value was lost. However, the fact that he was in any way involved at all in the crimes has been called into question by some Juggalo truthers.

—FuCk U FuKeRs, looking for some answers and agreeing with a previous statement about haters concerning the fuking of them.

Although members of the master race, not all Juggalos are racist. Still, the fact that they are all white means that legitimately mentally ill people dressed as clowns blend in perfectly until they actually commit a hate crime. Posthumously, Juggalos absolve their dead of all crimes, in effect employing a "don't ask, don't tell" policy on all subjects, including attempted massacres. As witnessed from postings on Jake's MySpace (mirrored), his fellow Juggalos firmly believe that Jake is now in Shangri-La, perhaps with 72 300lb Juggalette virgins as his reward.

Despite Violent J's penchant for the casual ingestion of mice, Furry Juggalos (Juggalus lolwutus) have no problem with rodents if it involves scavenging venues after the band has left to find dead rats they can stuff their cocks in. The prevalence of Furry Juggalos is a quite a surprise to scientists, not so much because of the band's homophobic stance, but because neither Violent J nor Shaggy 2 Dope have as yet instructed their fanbase to fuck each other dressed like chipmunks (yet).

THERE IS NO GOD

This is indirectly a vindication of the majority of the Juggalo's blind adherence to the teachings of ICP for their own safety, given that these rare signs of independent thought from Juggalo indoctrination immediately lead them to something that is certainly equally as—if not more than—retarded as dressing up like a fucking clown, except without the courtesy to pay Psychopathic Records for the privilege. It is likely at some point in the future, hatchetgear.com will be stocking "Official ICP Fursuits" to empty the wallets of this demographic as well. The most famous furry juggalo is Blazger.

Despite overwhelming evidence that it should never be done, Juggalos and Juggalettes often reproduce secretly adopt. This horrible event yields ninjets and ninjettes: Doomed children destined to fail beyond hope of any redemption; much worse than the progeny of literal, clinically diagnosed retards playing durrrrctor. While the nature of the universe thankfully makes it quite unlikely for tard-sexinz to result in live birth, it regrettably does not feature similar biological barriers to the fertility of hatchet-slurp, the unspeakable process of Juggalo/Juggalette mating.

In the unlikely event that you should completely miss the fact that the person standing next to you is dressed like a fucking clown, there are other ways to spot a Juggalo outside of his natural habitat (Read also: Basement).

Despite their massive girth, which keeps them from legally stepping onto elevators let alone scaling walls, many Juggalos consider themselves to be ninjas. This is perhaps a reference to their uncanny ability to sneak cookies out of their parents' cupboard, despite being put on strict diets.

Once a year, any Juggalo who knows how to use a map overstay their welcome for four days on some unfortunate region for a clown convention-cum-Lollapalooza event known as "The Gathering of The Juggalos". Highlights include:

Needless to say, the inevitable violence which breaks out between people dressed as clowns is hilarious. The only positive to the Gathering is that there is always the possibility of Jonestowning the Faygo.

With their sixth album's release, ICP revealed that the Dark Carnival is, in fact, a complete and separate version of Christianity in which it is believed that God has bestowed upon the Juggalos their own private Juggalo heaven called "Shangri-La", which was actually a fictional heaven from some book by James Hilton Instead of Saint Peter being there to judge you at the gates, however, you have a "Jack-in-the-Box" (Also known as the "Riddle Box", proving that not even juggalos understand what the fuck their religion is about). In this "religion", it is also assumed that the images associated with ICP's album covers (Also known as "Joker's Cards") are agents of God who shall judge everyone upon their death.

Undeterred by the fact that the ICP's fanbase comprises of furries, racists, the occasional mentally unstable murderer, dope-fiends and petty criminals, Juggalos feel that they deserve political and religious recognition. The problem facing Juggalos is that really, really liking a pop-rap group does not entitle them to any privileges.

Juggalos are numerous and dedicated to the cause, though. An internet petition to pressure the government into recognizing that dressing as a clown and taking crystal meth is a religion has reached over 4,000 signatures. But since no one has ever listened to an online petition in the history of the world, making it more of a guestbook full of heartfelt pleas for inanity and a demonstration of the pitiful literacy standards set by American elementary school teachers.The petition can be found here.

To all these so called haters. . I officially declare by all courts across the World and judicial orders in every Town and City complete and utter BOREDOM. BOREDOM of shady's shit shufflers' I am﻿ now BORED-BORED-BORED. Inside Obama's secret office is a little red button and if pressed blows the whole wide world into tiny pieces. ICP and all the fans have a wicked hidden place where there is food, music, girls, beer, and lots of other nice things. Shady sheep only have shady to hide behind. CHOP.

Rightly shunned by radio shows, the Juggalo menace has infiltrated the internet and spread like an epidemic

Rather than using expensive filtering software like rival cults, a Juggalo's movements online are generally limited by rigorously enforced ignorance about the Internet or computers, as part of the doctrine to "keep it real" by refusing to learn anything from aged 13 onward. For the most part, Juggalos exist in their own Psychopathic Records manufactured corner of the internet, hopping from official site to official site. However, since it is essentially just a mouse operated TV, and Psychopathic Records has an advertising channel on it, many Juggalos can also be found on YouTube, battling "haters" and watching advertisements for more ICP merchandise.

Seeing as juggalos in general are easily interchangeable with one another (Thanks to their looking, talking, and thinking in the exact same way as one another), it's no surprise that every juggalo on YouTube operate in the same exact ways. By posting video responses to both hate videos and praise videos alike (With a higher frequency of responses to the former) in between their maintaining daily / weekly vlogs, they manage to amass thousands upon thousands of subscribers, and are frequently promoted to partner status. Seeing as their channels are entirely identical to one another, we should only need to take a look at one channel in order to have "seen them all".

Since we now live in an age where any fucktard with a $50 smartphone or a shitty $250 Chromebook laptop can have a Facebook page, Juggalos now have immigrated from Myspace by the thousands in order to blindly add anyone with a shitty hatchetman photo as their default picture and holler WOOP WOOP!!!111 to each other like a gang of monkeys blitzed on PCP. As of last Thursday, there are over 9000 fan pages and groups dedicated to the juggalo lifestyle, and every inbred redneck with enough brain capacity to master the Fruity Loops program and string together two words that rhyme now has an artist page for their totally epic ICP rip-off rap act. This is of course, leaves the seasoned troll with plenty of shit to work with, and for any troll with half a brain this will lead to lulz at levels few have ever seen.

As long as you aren't complete fucking idiot, it won't be too difficult to piss off a juggalo on Facebook to the point where any given status update will yield at least 100 replies. As long as you aren't above being a grammar nazi and have enough wit to hammer home the harsh truth that juggalos are uneducated, braindead, meth addicted, trailer park monkeys in a creative way then trolling juggalos on Facebook will be like shooting fish in a barrel.

If the above paragraph seems too complicated for you and are at a loss when it comes to figuring out how you can help the cause, follow these easy steps and you will soon be an uber-1337 trollmaster extraordinaire:

1. Create a dummy account on Facebook and add lots of shitty Hatchetman photos found on Google Images.

2. Go to any ICP fan page and add any moron who declares him/herself a juggalo/lette.

3. Since juggalos are stupid faggots who don't know the meaning of the word discretion when it comes to adding people on Facebook, you should have over 200 new friends in a matter of hours.

4. Take your favorite photos from the pain series and offended pages on ED, upload them to Facebook, and tag every single faggot juggalo you can in every single photo.

Every now and again, a juggalo will pursue their education beyond a high school level, more likely than not deciding upon a career in computer repair. Knowledge of computers and the Internet, combined with their insatiable desire to be persecuted by "haters", will motivate them to bash their heads into their keyboards if they happen to discover Encyclopedia Dramatica. Unbelievable as it sounds, they managed to take offense to this very article!

Some Juggalo activists are so advanced, they have become 1337, as ED found to its cost:
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While performing at "The Gathering Of The Juggalos" Tila Tequila got treated like a 4 foot Singapore whore. It began with the crowd simply booing at her shitty music then escalated to throwing objects such as water bottles, Faygo soda bottles, rocks, fire crackers and even fecal matter. Tila then went on to taunt the crowd of juggalos by throwing bottles back at them and talking shit in between her terrible songs.

Tila, unaware that all juggalos are gay, thought she could appease the crowd by going topless. At one point in the video she is still trying to perform while holding a towel to her eye which you can clearly see is swollen to the size of a grape fruit and saying "I love you" to the crowd. The video ends with Tila running off stage to the crowd's applause, the juggalos even launched an entire trash can on stage in celebration. And the fun didn't stop there. Next, the crowd chased Tila to her trailer and began breaking out the windows and trying to smash in the door. Tila's shoddy performance almost got her raped and killed.

I went onstage and immediately, before I even got on stage, DUDES were throwing HUGE STONE ROCKS in my face, beer bottles that slit my eye open, almost burnt my hair on fire cuz they threw fire crackers on stage, and they even took the sh*t out of the port-0-potty and threw sh*t and piss at me when I was onstage

„

—Tila

“

These people were trying to kill me. So then after the last blow to my head with the firecracker they threw at me exploded, my bodygaurd and the other security grabbed me and ran as fast as they could to the shitty trailer. Since their security SUCKS, the 2 thousand people ran after us, trying to kill me. They almost got me so they finally reach the trailer, blood all over myself, cant stop bleeding, then all of a sudden, all 2 thousand people surround the trailer and busts the windows!!! Even the guys INSIDE with me were shaking! Their hands were shaking cuz they were so scared! So 3 guys inside the trailer had to grab a table and push it over the broken windows and grabbed all the chairs they could find so hold the people from outside back. It was scary as hell!

Since it is the mission of all juggalos to wage holy war upon haters, it is necessary for the survival of this species to feel ostracized. If you are in the fifth percentile of normalcy you do not listen to Insane Clown Posse and don't know enough about them to incite their anger to maximum. Since you don't want to waste time getting to know Juggalos, here are some key comments you can copy and paste into their journals that are guaranteed to annoy them, allowing this exotic species of the lower class to thrive on the internet. All Juggalos are Internet tough guys, so don't feel intimidated by their threats. Some of these might not make sense to you and if you're lucky they never will:

Always use small words when speaking to a Juggalo. These are the same people who made Vince McMahon a Billionaire and crystalmeth a thing.

Tell them that all Juggalos should be put to death for that abomination ICP called "Let's Go All The Way." It's a cheap attempt to get airplay with a shitty reimagining of a song from the 80s not the great call for acceptance in trailor parks like you think it is.

I've been listenining to a lot of ICP latley, mostly only when stoned, but it's not that bad. As a matter of fact, they do shit just cause terrorizing and annoying people is funny to them. They do it for the lulz, I.E. ICP is the same as Old Anonymous, discuss...

„

—Prince Adam !!b1M6nGKgkgg on how Juggalos and Old Anon are similar.

“

ya well this is what the fuckin heroes do mutha fucker they all cant speak they cant fly or fight for that matter the suck fuckin shit bitch