My morning sickness ended after about 12 weeks, and my first fetal kicks was felt at the first day of Ramadhan, when I was at 16 weeks of pregnancy. Something just poked me from the inside, huhu.Subhanallah.Later the fetal movement became more frequent, and now the baby movement has become so real. I can even feel her limbs, head and her waves of playful movement.Sometimes I feel like everything changed without I really realized it, especially when my tummy got bigger and bigger until I felt so heavy and began to walk like a real penguin ^^. This cute big bump comes with it own prices as well, unfortunately. hu.I developed gestational diabetes mellitus (GDM),Varicose veins at my legs and perineum (urat simpul) with all the aches and swellings,Pruritus gravidarum (Gatal2 kulit waktu mengandung),Back pain,Wrist pain,Nocturnal leg cramps (quite frequent and very agonizing T__T).Most of the time its bearable as I'm not working and can have some alternating rest period, but still sometimes I cried when I can't hold it anymore. Especially when you are being alone at home and flooded with emotions. huhu.Asam garam ibu mengandung ~I did'nt get the placement that I want for housemanship as well, that has forced me to postpone my posting. My feelings initially got soo mixed up, but then I leave this to Allah. No matter how much we think we can bear the burden of doing PJJ, to work like hell during the whole third trimester, to take care of our baby separately or whatever it is,I believe that He know what's best,better than us.That's why all things happened like what has happened on the emotional day of E-houseman previously. hu. InsyaAllah.Hoping and keep praying for everything to be fine for everyone,For ummi to be strong,Abang (my zauj) to be resilient, huhuStrength for my friends who'll be starting their HO,I'm being hopeful that I am not forgotten in their dua's still ^^':')

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.I've been thinking whether I should, but its quite tempting for me to write about this, which is about the presence of a new little caliph.Yes, here's a new little caliph is growing inside my uterus, subhanallah, wa alhamdulillah ❤👶 :')

I did my pregnancy test quite early, about 12 days post ovulation day and there was a sudden very faint test line appeared. I feel deeply grateful, saying alhamdulillah for countless times and even cried subconciously. Although it was a faint line, I know its positive because I have been testing upt a few times before and there was never any double line appeared until this time. Alhamdulillah.Before I continue, I am hopeful that anyone who read this would not feel anything negative, and I'm apologize if I'm overreacted or something. Only Allah and myself knew, how much I wish to be given a chance to be a murobbi for my own children and I prayed that everyone who is hopeful to be given this opportunity as well insyaAllah :)For me, the feeling is overwhelmingly grateful because I don't feel like getting pregnant is easy like you'll definitely be pregnant after married. No, it's isn't, its actually a miracle of the Creator. Some people may just easily get it but it's not the case for everyone. Allah has an accurate timing for every couples, insyaAllah. I have seen many deep sorrows of subfertile couples, agonizing sadness of women with stillbirth, miscarriages, and countless unfortunate events regarding pregnancy things.And being imperfect me, Its hard for me to trust myself. My efforts and tawakkal were highly laid to Him, the Creator. I have quite an irregular menses, dysmenorrhea in each cycle, and a doctor who once scanned me previously told me that I have a retroverted uterus which was sometimes (but quite rarely) linked with difficulty in conceiving.From this I learnt that in whatever we wish to have, despite our knowledges, our imperfections, and our great efforts, do ask Allah to make it easy for us and do not lose hope :')

Being a murobbi should be one of our target throughout our lives. In fact, its a must. Previously when I was in my university, I was given chances to be a naqeebah for almost 8 years. While now, I don't even have a proper usrah yet on my own since after graduated. If you have the same experiences of being a murobbi, then you will know how lacking it is to not be able to do so. Its not because you don't have a jawatan, position in jemaah or whatsoever, but its because of the lack of the responsibilities which would slowly drag down your self-improvement efforts.And I remembered ustaz Ir Faridul once told us, a murobbi is not merely for halaqah or usrah, but one of the ultimate outcome for our training as a murobbi is actually to make us ready for our own children's tarbiyyah in baitul muslim. Thus never despair whenever we see ourselves lacking as a murobbi in any means, because Allah is preparing us for something greater insyaAllah. Like one of the sahabah once said, if you are sincere to Allah, He would show the meaning of your intentions.I pray to Allah, so that this blessings would make me and my husband a better muslim, growing our inner faith and taqwa, and ultimately to build a family that could serve the religion and ummah. Amiin.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.I tried to spend some time writing, as a warm up. Somehow unfortunately I need to take MUET examinations next months, which is very bothersome or else my university would never let me hold my MD scroll.I was angry and deeply disappointed at first, but in the end after countless appealing, I accepted it as it is to keep my mind at peace. There's no use in fighting, when the other sides does not wish to help you through. Just to make it clear, previously I took IELTS as required by by sponsor and passed with a good band. When later I was placed into UKM-UNPAD, the admin never told me that I need MUET in order to graduate in UKM. And now they are forcing me to sit for the exam just to complete the procedure.Already 'melalut' from the real topics. hu.

.So few weeks ago I bought a new book :)

Its about an experience of a caregiver, who has taken care of his beloved father in law, his biological father and his wife when they was diagnosed with cancer.Somehow, I feel like I need to read this book to help me deals with my anxiety about cancer. 5 days before our solemnization, I noticed a lump in my left breast. About 2x2 cm, round, mobile, with smooth surfaces.My knowledges told me that it is a fibroadenoma, but my emotions told me that I might have breast cancer. May Allah forbid. One week later after coming back from our vacation I went to Klinik Kesihatan for a checkup, because I can't just let this thing undiagnosed. For a follow up, I chosed SOPD in Hospital Muar although its quite far compared to Melaka GH because I need to enter this hospital first and 'lawat kawasan' before being firm about choosing it in my E-Houseman soon. And ya, as expected HPSF is less crowdy, but its really far from my house. After visiting there as a patient, I felt more reluctant because I hate to think that I need to travel 45 min -1 hour daily for one way. Coming back and forth, it would be almost 2 hours.Alhamdulillah alaa kulli hal. Everything comes for a reason.Then its my turn to experience the classic triple assessment for my breast lump. One day before I went for my FNAC, I googled to read other people experiences that made me felt so scared. Can't even sleep well as I imagine how painful the procedure would be. I have experiences seeing the procedure in HUKM as well and as far as I can remember, the patients were in pain.Now I understand why it is important for a caregiver to understand what the patient feels. In the book that I read, Dr. Azlan has been excellent in managing her wife anxieties. He took care of everything and blew away all worries to ease the burden of his wife. He acted as a genuine caretaker. A genuine caretaker is the very close trusted person who is ready to take charge of everything. They not merely a person who act as a guardian, but he/she is the strength, a person who can't fall sick in any ways, a person who would sacrifices because they are afraid of losing someone dear to them.Thus for my husband to spend his time with me I felt grateful alhamdulillah. At least I'm not going there alone, succumbed in my fear and anxiety. And the FNAC was not that painful. The procedures went well, I was poked only once and although the doctor needs to move around the needle here and there I did not felt much pain. The samples were adequate and I don't have much bleeding either. Alhamdulillah.Its indeed true that fear can come to us without boundaries. Its only depend to us on how to control and limit it in order to have the strength. Hoping for a good news insyaAllah, regarding the samples taken. To have a slight thought about cancer is indeed frightening for those who experiences it :(The book above did explain this kind of feelings. They experienced fears, but keeping it under control allowed them to move on and acted quickly in the most reasonable way to counter the time they have lost during the period when the cancer was not yet diagnosed. 3 Cancers in 10 Months give some insights about time. Looking at how the author cope with a tight time management while being a caretaker make me realize how much a desperation can move us. Inside and out.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.Now I have a vegetables background in this blog.:)Since we moved in to our new house, I have become a full time housewife. Thus vegetables suit me well for the time being. Not funny ^^'Alhamdulillah alaa kulli hal.Someone had told me before, if you want to become 'someone' capable of something, you may not need to wait until you feel that you are ready. The process of doing will teach you the most, insyaAllah.Like me and cooking~ hu

My husband has been suffering I guess.^^

After we married, we went for a short vacation before coming back to my parents in law house where we stayed for one week. Being a new person in the house, I was clueless of what to do. Hu.Everytime my mother in law (Mak) went to the kitchen to cook, I would be there to 'menyibuk', trying to help her (I wished I did) in my blurriness. I told her sincerely, "Mak, Na tak pandai masak sangat sebenarnya. Selalunya kalau masak Na tengok resipi.." I laughed at myself."Takpe, yang penting ada usaha nak mencuba nanti lama-lama pandai tu." She replied.Since then, everytime I accompanied her in the kitchen she will explain in particular what she's doing and how to cook the dishes. Mak has been so helpful alhamdulillah. When I can't help much with the cooking, I'll washed the dishes just to keep her company.

I don't know Mak in person, nor I know anyone else in the family closely but being a part of a new family made me realize that the more I opened my heart sincerely to love, the more love I received. Like how I did dakwah fardhiah to adik-adik previously, in the beginning it's always hard but worth a try especially for an important person (mad'u) isn't it ?As long as we do it sincerely for Allah, we'll see the goodness in everything.Many more to come, many more to learn,May Allah ease this journey of mitsaqan ghaliza, insyaAllah.:')

Friday, January 12, 2018

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.Really, it has been quite some time. Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. For these past few months, too many things has happened and being thankful is what I felt the most.

A cute sister traped this bear for me 👯❤

After passing my pro exam, I felt like half of the burden in my chest were lifted. My experiences in pro exam long case was painful that I hardly believe I survived T__T.I have not much words to describe this. It was just a very deep dissappointment. I got a case that I've never expected and not studied for a long case. I asked Allah truly at that moment, why did You gave me this ya Rabb..? **crying**Surely He knows best. I knew it. I just need some comfort to keep moving. hu.The case was simple but peculiar for a long case. I got a case of hemorrhoids at that time where the history focused on chronic per rectal bleeding. To learn something from this, I could suggest to keep in mind that for undergraduate, focus on differential diagnosis first. The patient clearly told me the diagnosis but as a candidate, just rule out everything in the history taking especially malignancy and keep thinking for other possibilities.I was devastated because I missed some points in the history and I don't know in detail about the management of hemorrhoids in colorectal specialty. But then, I realized that the definitive management was not everything in the marking scheme. The basic management in emergency, and basic management of the case counted in most of the marks. ..After all, in exams we can't comfort ourselves properly as usual. huWhen waiting for my short case just a few hours later, I barely able to focus. Almost breaking down with tears and I'm not sure how actually I managed to endure. I looked at my tremendous notes and whispered a prayer in desperation,."Allah, please give me something that I'm capable of doing. Truly I can't remember everything that I've learnt. Its too much that I almost giving up. I'm holding on for this very last sessions to do my best, with a pounding heart, with this wounded heart, just because I believe that You will help me. I'm in need and to only You I'm asking."
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Desperate, indeed.I believed that at that moment Allah is testing me. He put me in those unexpected situations despite all the hard work brcause he want to see how far I put on my tawakkal towards Him. I experienced this 'al-khauf', in which I could'nt describe how it actually felt.Exhausted and redha,I surrender to Allah..He is Just, and Fair.

And in the end I passed, with a clear pass. Short cases were easier and every station passed almost smoothly. Alhamdulillah.Events passed, but the tarbiyyah would remain forever. This was not the first time I experienced such a desperate moment, but everytime I would need strengths and enhancements for my Imaan in order to go through difficult moments.These collections of tarbiyyahs would be my reminder every time I feels like giving up, whenever I feels worthless insyaAllah. That's why I need to write about this, somehow :) My memories can't keep things in line when I'm devastated but my own writing has been helping myself a lot alhamdulillah.
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All the best to the juniors, my friends and akhawat :') They always did a better work, having a deeper hamasah and being a better version of ikhwah wa akhawat alhamdulillah. I keep my prayers, for those going to face imtihan this year. Soon.