"In my younger years, extreme metal baffled me. My untrained ears were often unable to follow the complex riffs and fast tempos, making it impossible to assess music quality. To me, it was all simply fast, scary, and incomprehensible. I remember scouring metal forums for hours to learn which albums were the "classics," only to listen to them and question why they were considered as such. If this is a "good" extreme metal album, I would wonder, what does a "bad" one sound like? In this regard, I almost wish The Ventriloquist had existed back then. Because it would have provided the perfect answer to that question." Bad lip reading.[Give in to your anger...]

"If you’re anything like me, you often find yourself pondering the great questions of the universe. For instance, like me you’ve probably wondered what would happen if Lamb of God and Kataklysm made sweet love while Alestorm sat in the corner reading them a bedtime story. Unlike most of the big questions plaguing humanity, we no longer have to speculate on this one. Polish band Vane love drama on the high seas, and on their debut album Black Vengeance, they throw their three-pointed hat into the hotly contested ring of pirate metal. Is this going to be worth the pay-per-view fee?" Hoist the N00bs and batten down the skull pit![Give in to your anger...]

"Picture this, if you will. It's Friday night, for at least a little while longer anyway. The air is thick with smoke and raised voices, illuminated only vaguely by various neon signs and their reflections off countless bottles and glasses. Here at the Angry Metal Bikerer Bar®, the music matches the mood: from a cramped corner masquerading as a stage, four angry metal guys unleash gravely growls and swagtastic riffage unto the leather and denim-clad patrons with a gritty little ditty titled 'Ain't No Party 'Til You Hurt Somebody.'" Far beyond dreidel.[Give in to your anger...]

"Ferrous and I, drunk or otherwise, recently groused about who to blame for death metal's modern sound. Much like my lumping of base-camp thrash into two molds, modern rip-offs and retro rip-offs, I think death metal organizes along similar lines. OSDM has its own originality problems, but it clearly surpasses the hyper-modern tripe so often homogenized that telling bands apart is like asking infant quintuplets which one shit their diaper." Let's blamestorm![Give in to your anger...]

"The scene: Endscape #1047, adj: barren, industrial, gratuitous visual filters. The hero: Gas Mask Mook, exhausted after another long day of near-future photoshoots and fighting off angry crows. The soundtrack: the precise blend of death, thrash, groove, and metalcore that the astute reader might have already surmised lies behind this cavalcade of tropes. Montreal's BornBroken forego silly grammatical conventions in their pursuit of a record that welcomes all comers, within the Hall and without. Is the soundtrack to your apocalypse, or will BornBroken be forced to face some harsh truths of their own?" Gas mask revival?[Give in to your anger...]

"I often wonder why bands ape a particular sound to death, but pass over another. Is Iron Maiden truly more worthy than Judas Priest? Why does Dark Tranquillity never get the same love as In Flames and At the Gates? What makes Bathory a hot ticket but not Type O Negative? Final Hour, as you may suspect, evoked this line of questioning with their take on melodeath's tried and true tropes. Their influences are exactly the ones you would expect, and their music works inside the box." Crazy like a box.[Give in to your anger...]

"I guess it's only fitting that I'd follow up a review of the newest Machine Head record with another long-lost thrash band. This time, it's a German outfit that hit the scene in 1986 and has more thrash metal cred than the thrash/groove/rap-metal outfit from Oakland, CA. Even if no one has any idea who they are. Accuser's first two records, 1987's The Conviction and 1989's Who Dominates Who?, are underrated thrash metal classics. The latter, in particular, is a thrashpiece that combines the technicality of Testament and Annihilator with Kreator, Metallica, and Destruction. But after 1987, the band swan-dived straight into the groove-metal pavement for the next four releases. With this nightmarish Pantera-like tailspin finally coming to a halt after Taken by the Throat. And, to no one's surprise, the band was no more." Thrash through the ages.[Give in to your anger...]

"Genus Ordinis Dei (GOD for short) by their name wonder what the biological classification of an Abrahamic God would be, and they do this by seemingly breaking the rulebook and combining symphonic death metal with elements of the traditionally blue collar of deathcore." Symphonic deathcore? Surely you can't be serious.[Give in to your anger...]

"Five years ago, another metal blog referred to As I Lay Dying’s Awakened as “the world’s first retro-metalcore album.” While that same not-to-be-named blog was also recently guilty of authoring one of the most idiotic self-serving shitposts I’ve ever read, in the case of Awakened they were actually right. With its melodic Gothenburg riffs, gang vocals, soaring clean choruses, and pummeling breakdowns, the record hearkened back to mid-00s metalcore at a time when the rest of the scene was too busy being balls deep in whatever Periphery was doing." Old core, new core. At this point, what does it matter?[Give in to your anger...]

"When my first exposure to The Hate Colony's debut Dead or Victorious elicited thoughts of a Lamb of God-turned-metalcore, the title of their new album made much more sense. Ascending? "Descending?" Right? Wrong. The Norwegians dropped that shit the second they got their hands on a Soilwork CD. With grooves suddenly sporting melodic textures, 2014's Navigate offered an alternate take on metalcore, one with some halfway decent ideas buried under all the bleeding knuckles and douchey band pictures." Post-colonial bad blood.[Give in to your anger...]