Indulge

Hello sir, I’m officer Push-Over with the Kindler Gentler Police Department. I see you’re holding a large knife in an aggressive manner. Before I take any preventative measures to ensure everyone’s safety, I’d like to ask you a few personal questions. If you wouldn’t mind indulging me…no, no, not impaling…indulging. Thank you. If you could do me a favor and not move for a few minutes while we’re talking, that would be great. Just put your current plans on hold while I judge your intentions.

First of all, are you generally a nice person? I don’t mean right at this moment, I mean when you’re around all of the people that are going to judge my actions in response to your current activities. Maybe I can talk with your neighbor real quick and find out if you’ve ever helped carry her groceries inside. If I could talk with a couple of your coworkers to find out how diligent you are on the job, that would help too. Is your barber available?

Hold on. Don’t run off. I have a few more questions.

Is your mother nearby, or do you have her phone number handy? I’d like to ask her if she believes you would ever be capable of harming another person. Maybe your uncle could let me know how gentle you always were with animals. Would it be possible to talk to your brother about how kind you were as a child? And if I could get a hold of your high school drama teacher to see how well you socialized as a teen, that would be awesome.

Wait a second. Don’t leave. I don’t feel like I really know you as a person yet. I only have two more questions.

Are you high right now? It would be terrible if I held you accountable for your actions, only to find out later that you weren’t in control. Lastly, do you suffer from any mental health illnesses? It’s my understanding that being stabbed by a schizophrenic isn’t anywhere near as painful as being stabbed by someone that’s just angry.

If you could help me understand who you really are, I’ll be able to make a decision that pleases everyone. Wait, none of those people are here right now? You mean I only have a couple of seconds to figure out what I’m going to do? That means I have to base my decision solely on your current actions and the threat you are right now to myself and others. That actually makes it easier. Common sense wins again.