I like to think of myself as a chivalrous kind of guy. All the same, if a woman

Hey, Air India. Remember this guy?

came to me and said her modesty was outraged by a pilot, I know just what I would do. I’d look out the window, realize I’m 30,000 feet off the ground, moving at 400 mph, and let her know that maybe our best move would be to address the matter at another time.

The crew were the ones in the fight with one another. At one point, no one was flying the plane. What was the plan if the pilot was defeated in this fight? What was this like for the passengers? Obviously someone is getting a free flight out of this.

Pilots, I’m putting you on notice. When you are flying, I’ve got your back. There will be no fighting of you allowed while I am on your plane. If you need to outrage some modesty, please knock yourself out. I’m using that phrase as a euphemism, please take care of your whole cranial area during the flight.

However, my leather jacketed friends, you are not completely off the hook. I have my conditions. As soon as we reach the terminal, we’re going to deal with any in flight outraging of women’s modesty with the authorities.

Also, if there is a need to land the plane because someone is being a jerk, you do it. I would ask though, that you choose where you land carefully. The pilot in this Air India case threatened to divert the flight to Pakistan.

Seriously man, frying pan…fire. Let’s think our options through, alright? What’s the problem, Teterboro wasn’t open? Look, Pakistan isn’t really a happy place right now. You know who Pakistan doesn’t like even more than the US? Let’s see, what country have they gotten into several wars with? India? Yeah, India, that’s the one I was trying to think of.

Oh, you just hit two geese? Look, maybe we can make an appointment for me to air my grievances tomorrowish?

Speaking of Teterboro, let’s use an example ripped from today’s headlines. Alright, last years headlines. Suppose you were on the US Airways flight that landed in the Hudson River. Would you want the crew of that plane fighting? Or someone complaining about being outraged? Nah.

Let’s have some sense about how we do things like settle our differences and hire flight crews. Air India, sorry guys, I won’t be having pretzels and a Diet Coke on your planes, ever.

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If I hadn't written this, I would use these to tell people I'd read it.