Original Reads

Have you ever been driving along, minding your own business, pumping some beats on the Alpines, and out of nowhere and for no good reason the cops pull you over, just to harass you?

-Ever walk into a shop, and the employees circle you like hawks, assuming you're there to steal everything in sight?

-Or stood on the curb for 25 minutes in the pouring rain, while passenger-less taxi after taxi passes by, slowing down only to splash that puddle in your face.

If any of these things have ever happened to you, you're all alone. Because I'm white. Not just white, the right kind of white. I'm White. Its a nice gig if you can get it. Plenty of perks. But with any privilege comes responsibility. And lets be honest, White folks have been dropping the ball for a considerable period of time. Fear not, my ethnic rainbow of friends! The Age of Ivory is nearing its end. Until then, you still have to live in this world. So regardless of whether or not I'm considered a traitor to my race (an Uncle Biff, if you will), I'm going to unlock the secret code of the White Man.

Two types of White

First of all, lets clear something up. It's NOT our fault. Let me explain. See, as I said, it's not enough to just be white. You have to be White to enjoy White Privilege. And there's truly only two types of genuine Whites: the English and French. I fall into the second, vastly superior, category. If you're going to blame anyone, blame the Brits. Up until the Luftwaffe served them a taste of humble pie, Britain was the stone cold facist OG colonizing ass kicker of civilization. They invaded Tibet for Chrissakes! TIBET! Rifle companies against little men armed with original matchlocks. That's akin to fighting modern soldiers with nothing but a Slinky and a Bazooka Joe comic. Apparently the British were really really seeking enlightenment, and willing to pile up some pacifist bodies to find it. They screwed up how many cultures over the centuries? Makes sense. Dreary weather people with turtled man parts have to prove their machismo somehow.

The French, on the other hand, took a different slant to world domination. We just needed new women to have sex with. Canada, Haiti, America, Indochina...we humped and pumped every half dressed native willing to fall for that sexy Parisian accent. Ruined the whole Haitian colony, even! Created a whole new race of women to explore, the Mulattos (origin of the term). We were very impressed with ourselves for a while. Then, when they had the numbers, the French just up and gave them political power, and the island has been a bloodbath ever since. So you can't blame the guys you consider to be a bunch of snail eating pansies for White Privilege. We are not good at oppressing people we are trying to bed. And we are French, we want to sleep with all of you.

In fairness, though, you can't put the blame at the feet of the sexually inadequate limeys. Even if their contribution to the New World was slavery and genocide, while we gave humanity soft core porn and cunnilingus. You just can't. Look, I can't speak for all white people. But as a White person, I can tell you we don't like white people. That's the genesis of this whole problem. We look down on them.

Scots and Irish? How long did it take to figure out pants? Norse and Germans? Bunch of square heads we easily herded to the Midwest. Italians, Greeks, and Portuguese? I have no idea what you're saying, but please quiet down, White people are trying to romance over here. Spain? Those idiots waged a Catholic crusade, took most of the Western hemisphere, and by process of of leaving their language in every conquest, ensure that Whites have to work extra hard for the rest of eternity to fornicate with beautiful mamacitas.

We never got over that.

A brief history lesson

So for a very long time, America was made up of Whites, natives, blacks, and whites. It was a good time to be White! Then came the Civil War, or Minor Setback as it's known in the South. And still, us Whites were feeling good. But those whites, boy were they sore! Now they had to compete for second class citizenship. This spawned the popular white mantra, and trailer park credo, "At least I'm not black", as a way to make inferior white people feel closer to White. As time went on, black folks started doing pretty okay, spreading wings all throughout the land and planting roots for their families. More and more brown people started finding their way in. And those compulsive gambling Chinese railroad laborers snuck up on us and suddenly had big numbers out West.

Against our better judgement, we had to open up the books and let some of the whites join our club. Simple numbers game. Now everyone thinks they're White. It's unseemly. My ancestors left their homes, braved the harsh seas, in search of new and exotic sexual partners. They earned it for me with their blood, sweat, and other bodily fluids. These other whites? Life was handed to them on a platter, but still they hold to that old bigoted defense mechanism: "At least I'm not (insert minority group)". Blame them.

Old people say the damnedest things

It's why most white people aren't responsible enough to handle White Privilege. Take Los Angeles Clippers owner, Donald Sterling. Old people say the damnedest things, don't they? I remember when my grandmother was in the nursing home, she remarked to a black orderly, "I like when colored men braid their hair. It is a fashionable way to keep your hair neat." Now, I know she meant it as a sincere compliment, and the gentleman didn't seem to take offense. Lets pretend he was insulted. That would mean he blew it off and chalked it up as an old lady from a different time who doesn't know any better. No harm meant, no foul.

Sterling? Here's a guy with no appreciation. It's not enough for him to be white, he's also grotesquely wealthy. Even with those two things going for him, he still has an issue with blacks. Doesn't want his lady publicly associating with them. Doesn't want to rent homes to them. Doesn't even like Magic Johnson, the closest thing to Wayne Brady on the We Wish He Was White All Star team. Look pal, if your whiteness isn't enough to get you through the day, you don't qualify as White. As a matter of fact, you're making life more difficult for the rest of us, and robbing us true Whites of our privilege. Don't let the white newsies and commentators off the hook either. Yes, we can all agree that racism is a vile and disgusting notion. It's not a contest to prove who is the most outraged. Common white foolishness. Yell the loudest and cast the heaviest stones to show everyone what a nice tolerant white person you are. Don't be hoodwinked. Real White people don't need that validation. We feel pretty secure that you know we don't share the opinions of a cranky old bigot. And if not we are too busy enjoying our White Privilege to get involved in that hornet's nest.

The most tragic recent example of irresponsible White Privilege is the case of murdered teen, Trayvon Martin. I made a vow to never speak the name of his slayer, and I won't betray that here. But lets take a look. Here's someone so insecure in his whiteness he feels the need to carry a gun and hunt black kids in his own neighborhood. I can only assume this mental affliction comes from his biracial background. Perhaps he just never felt White enough. Pitiful. It's just so sad, and ultimately brings race relations in this country several steps backwards. You even see some white lowlifes revere this person as a hero, a soul crushing idea to any optimistic White. Really, Whites are too busy to care about race. We also love having nonwhite neighbors; it means we don't have to live near white people. The same white people destroying our White Privilege by deifying a child killer.

More blame to go around

Once again, there's more white blame to go around. It's the white prosecution responsible for letting a murderer walk free. Not a single White person on Earth would be stupid enough to charge the accused in such an important high profile case with ANYTHING that couldn't absolutely be proven. It's a totally different mental illness known as White Guilt. Symptoms include deriding White Privilege while enjoying its fruits, and grandstanding for minorities to show what a nice safe white person they are. The condescension is absurdly laughable to Whites, and we make fun of them with our black friends behind their backs. And look what your shame got you, Whitey: Nothing. No justice. No peace.

White Privilege isn't all peaches and cream, though. There's definitely a dark side, some things we really should feel guilty about. Whites are excellent thieves, for starters. Your land, your women, your cattle and sheep. We'll take them all, thanks. And depending where you're from, your lady and your livestock might be one in the same. Certainly nothing to be proud of. Then again, sometimes we need to steal.

Coolness in not part of the package

For all the enchanted magic that comes with White Privilege, coolness is not part of the package. Take music. Until we stole black music all we had was Al Jolson, polka, and three hillbillies blowing into a jug. No self respecting White man is getting laid on a Saturday night playing the accordion. We had to! The survival of our race depended on it. In some cases it worked out okay. Elvis was pretty good, right? The whites may not have been as good as the black originals, but if we look at it like a tribute band...you're right, still couldn't hold a candle. But our women didn't know better. Simpler times.

Now all this white riff-raff will steal anything. Pirates. Once black folks started giving their babies unique names, white moms got real jealous real quick. You can't one-up whites, it threatens their belief in their White Privilege or something. This is why there will one day be a cemetery filled with pasty white and orange tanned corpses named Ryker, Draven, Zerrika, and Copelia. My spell check even hates these people. This is one instance where White Guilt is both warranted and deserved. Hey, these guys aren't with us.

A dying breed

Our time is almost over. The boomers and yuppies abused our White Privilege for too long, only to see the hipsters close the deal with their ludicrous facial hair and love of all things white. Nobody takes us seriously anymore. With representatives like that, who could argue? It's sad, really. So what is a White man to do? I, friends, am the last of a dying breed. But mourn me not. I've decided to find someone's wife to set up a secret rendezvous. Don't blame me, I'm French.

I hope we made you proud, Granddad.

Editor's Note: The views and opinions in the above column are those of Kevin Willete, and do not necessarily represent those of 990WBOB or its affiliates.