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I was reading this book over the weekend called “The Power of The Other” by Dr. Henry Cloud.

It made me realize something very important.

I always talk about self-love and loving yourself first. I always talk about how important it is to fill yourself up with love so that you have love to give.

In a recent interview I was asked how I deal with heartbreak. My answer was that I’ve always had a cheerleader in my corner. That cheerleader is my mother and she has always been the person that I go to whenever I’m struggling with heartbreak or anything difficult in my life.

Now, I also have my husband, which I am forever grateful for.

My mother never let me wallow in my own pity. She allowed me to be sad and she validated my feelings, but she didn’t let me feel sorry for myself. She reminded me that I have a lot to be thankful for in my life.

She would sympathize with my situation, but then she would put on that brave smile and tell me that I’ve got to be strong and push through. She told me to keep at it, and it will get better. She told me that if I never give up then I will see progress and things will improve.

She never let me quit.

She didn’t crack the whip, however, as she was always kind and supportive in her approach. It was never too aggressive or negative. It was always inspiring. After I finished speaking with her I always felt the same way…

I felt relieved that it wasn’t just me and I wasn’t alone in my experiences. I also always felt inspired. I felt that I had the ability to make changes if I just didn’t give up on myself.

It sounds like a cheerleader, right?

I bring this up because I realized as I was reading this book that not everyone has a cheerleader.

I’ll give you a hint… It’s not how pretty you are. It’s not how sweet you are. It’s not how great of a cook you are.

It’s one trait and one trait only.

Vulnerability.

If you’re vulnerable with a man you will have him hanging on your every word. He will want to do anything he can to make you happy. Seriously. I don’t mean that in a bad way towards men. They crave it! They long to be with a woman who can be vulnerable. When a woman is vulnerable with a man, it means she feels safe with him. More importantly, when a woman is strong enough on the inside, in order to allow herself to be vulnerable, it means a man can feel safe with her.

Men’s biological instinct is to protect and provide. When you’re vulnerable with him, you satisfy those primal urges. (one of them anyway) 😉

It may sound silly, or too simple, but that’s because we make it too hard. Think about it.

After my divorce, and when I was a young adult I struggled to find happiness. I simply didn’t know how to be happy and I needed to figure out what was preventing me from feeling happy. I really had no reason to be unhappy.

I had a loving and supportive family, college education, my children, and nice things. I generally got what I wanted when I was young, whether it was nice new clothes for school, or a nice car. I had some really great life-long friends as well. What reason did I have to be unhappy?

I realized after a lot of soul searching and reading lots of books and articles, that there was one person getting in the way of my happiness.

It was me.

I was the reason I was unhappy.

I simply didn’t know how to be happy and after my divorce I was basically paralyzed. I thought happiness was something you feel as a reaction to something else. I thought happiness occurs as result of some sort of stimulus.

What I finally realized is that there is no stimulus. Some people have all kinds of reasons to be happy but they still aren’t.

Do you constantly put yourself down? Are you always mentally beating yourself up? Is this effecting your happiness? Are you generally grumpy or stressed out? Don’t be such a jerk to yourself!

To be “Happy” every day, or most days, takes work for the majority of people. It’s not automatic or natural.

Most people don’t wake up happy every day. I’m one of those people who is naturally critical and over analytical. I literally used to drive myself crazy, and still do sometimes!

While these traits have always helped me to do well at my job, it has caused suffering in my personal relationships. I used to wake up every day thinking about what I did wrong yesterday, or the day before, or how stupid I was when I did “fill in the blank.”

I was often talking negatively to myself and putting myself down. I spent a lot of time in my own head entertaining the negative self-talk.

A lot of people do this.

One day my mom, who is the smartest and kindest woman I know (Hi Mom!), said to me.

Niki, if you had a friend who talked to you the way you’re talking to yourself, you would tell that friend to “F” off.

She doesn’t mince words, my mother.

How do you stop the negative self-talk?

Below is my own personal process that I do pretty much every day. If I want to have a good day anyway. Also, when I find myself in a rut, it’s because I’ve gotten out of this routine for a few days and I need to make a point to get my head back into a good place. It may seem super simple to some people, but it was a real challenge for me. I know there are others like me.

Before I tell you my process that I use when I find myself feeling a bit down, there’s one very important thing you must realize and remember.

You must accept yourself for who you are.

In order to accept yourself, you must embrace and realize something very important.

You are unique. There is no one else like you and so you MUST live your life authentically. Embrace your authenticity. Love who you are, flaws and all.

You have to know who you are…the good and the bad. Once you know who you are, and you accept yourself, that’s when you can really tackle the negative self-talk.

Remember, we’re all imperfect beings looking to be accepted. This begins with YOU. You must accept who you are and have self-love. I cannot stress this enough!

How do you do stop being such a jerk to yourself and get in a better state of mind?

Do people walk all over you? Do you accept less from others because you don’t think you deserve more? Do you let people take advantage of you?

Are you afraid to stick up for yourself because you don’t want to make someone mad, or worse, be alone?

There’s a difference between being kind and being a push over. One should be kind, but never to the extent it takes away from their personal value. Think of yourself like your bank account. You take money out and you replenish your account, but you never want your account balance in the negative. Otherwise, you pay overdraft fees! There’s a consequence for taking out more than you put in.

Your personal value is like that. Give a little and take a little, but don’t let yourself be depleted. Set boundaries with the people in your life.

If you constantly let others take from you, then your personal account balance will eventually be in the negative. If you give a little (are kind) but also feed your value account (take care of yourself) then you won’t go into the negative.

You can’t give to someone if you’re depleted. There’s only one person who can ensure you fill your value account.

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