So this morning you woke up to a warm body next to you and was served breakfast in bed with the groceries you purchased with your hard earned money. Did you miss something? Somewhere during the night of your wild, scandalous and sadistic booty call, your FWB (friend with benefits) got the impression that your good wet-wet was an open invitation to a monogamous relationship. News flash, moron: IT WAS JUST SEX!

More times than often one of your bed pals can get the wrong impression with just one twist of the body, one bounce of the rod or one moment too long of cuddle time and suddenly think tomorrow is the day you two set aside to go ring shopping. This is what happens when one person gets a little too ancy about falling in love. We’ve discussed this before in our Sex Ed 101 class. Bumping pelvises is not the same thing as the pretentious promise, “I do.”

You should not have any regrets for wetting your whistle with someone else’s body spit. It’s one of the many joys of life; one of the rewards for being single. Some may argue it’s one of the rewards for being a lying, dastardly, cheating bastard (for those who are already committed). The sex may have been great last night. It may have been even greater this morning, because there’s nothing like a ‘morning after’. However you must be clear to the person you’re boning that it’s nothing more than sex – a desperate, yearning need to be filled with the pleasures of someone else’s sexual and willing desire. After it’s all said and done, it’s more than likely that you’ll want them to dissipate into the sheets as if they were never there (once you’ve experienced the big “O” and washed their scent off your body of course).

Booty calls are good but they’re also misleading. So the next time you invite someone over to your place to quench your horny thirst, be sure to have a visible stack of “booty call agreements” sitting on your nightstand.

A) You want your partner to know they’re not the only one you’re screwing. That way there’s no reason for them to get their hopes up of an oncoming relationship, no matter how good the f*ck is.

B) They’ll know what to expect from the night, and

C) What you expect from them.

See sample booty call agreement below:

If they are still blinded by your juicy va-jay-jay or steel power jack, feed them the same old clichés you’ve fed to all the other losers who misinterpreted your late night romper room calls:

Sometimes all a person needs is a good ol’ ego boost, a $20 bill or a scathing threat to get the message that you got what you needed from them and that’s all there is to it. It doesn’t take much effort to give anyone the boot once they’ve signed that agreement. It’s a binding contract. It takes more effort to let them stay and lead them on than it does to be honest and kick them out. They’ll be back. They’ve already shown you how horny and delusional they are. At this point, you have the upper hand.

Quote of the week: “It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced.”

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You have more nerves than Idaho has potatoes, still someone will find your last one and get on it.

_________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your ego wouldn’t be so big if you wore your credit score on your sleeve.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The language of love begins and ends with the word, “bitch.” Use it with well intent and at your own risk.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

This pay period, the amount of dollars in your checking account will be the same as your shoe size.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The first punch doesn’t have to be the last lick.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware of a ham dressed in turkey’s clothes.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

To feel your best, spend more time today telling other people what to do.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

There’s no better day than today to try a bacon-wrapped chocolate donut.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A drunk wino with skin of wrinkled leather will flash you at the bus stop. Oddly, you may enjoy it.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today you are overly cheerful and peppy. You are the morning person someone wants to pour hot coffee all over. Watch your back.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone new is going to steal your thunder. Bribe everyone you know to stay on your side.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Luck would have you to get stuck in an elevator with the president, vice president and secretary of the Deodorant is for Wimps Foundation.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week: “’Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a minute. Set him on fire and he’ll probably burn to death.’ This proverb is perhaps the exception to the rule that beggars can’t be choosers.”

Kats & Kittens, it’s time for a review of this week’s top three pet peeves.

Over the course of the last few months, we’ve discussed everything from bad fashions to people that frustratingly monopolizes conversations with uninteresting chatter. Today we will pin-point three of the most annoying crap on the face of the planet (this week). In all honesty, there’s so many things that people do to annoy the hell of their neighbor that it’s kind of hard to narrow down the list to only three. But if there’s anything that I’m not, it’s a quitter! So sit back, grab a fattening soft drink and see if you agree with this week’s top three most annoying annoyances.

Cheap people…

The list begins with all those cheap asses who insist on putting a price tag on absolutely any and everything. The first question that immediately comes to mind when running into these cheapskates is, “What the hell?” Obviously, no one ever bothered to warn these folks that cheap people don’t get invited to parties, mainly because whoever invites them knows they are going to show up empty-handed and will most likely, no doubt, leave with a doggy bag. They don’t have very many friends because everyone knows a cheap person is too tight on a dollar, so hanging out will likely be reduced to free fun, like the zoo, which of course is the last place a person wants to go when it’s five degrees outside or raining hard enough to mimic a baby tsunami. The same theory applies to the dating game. A cheap person will take you to the lowest starred restaurant on the map, or will buy you the most useless and inexpensive presents during the holidays or any other special occasion if, of course, they muster up enough change to buy you anything at all.

“A house of delusion is cheap to build but drafty to live in.”

______________________________________________________

Rude drivers…

Pulling up the rear to cheap-ass people are drivers that have no consideration for other drivers…and no, we aren’t referring specifically to cab drivers. Though they are probably THE worst drivers in the world (next to Washington DC subway train conductors), everyone expects them to be lousy drivers. Instead we are talking about folks who aren’t exactly smart enough to be paid for their bad driving. For example, aggressive drivers who cross lanes without using a turn signal; or drivers who refuse to let you cross lanes even though your turn signal has been on since you started your car in your home drive-way; or drivers that drive about 90mph just before coming to a sudden stop for a speed bump; or drivers that pick their nose while looking inside their nostrils in the rear-view mirror instead of focusing on the family of ducks crossing the street; or drivers who drive slower than my Aunt Edna’s bowel movements; or drivers that practice profane road rage just before Sunday worship service; or drivers that blast their music so loud they can’t hear the horns blowing behind them or the people screaming for their lives in front of them; or new drivers; or even worse – old drivers. You all drive me crazy!

“Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.”

______________________________________________________

People that live in the past…

Rounding out the list of this week’s top three pet peeves are people that live in the past. I’m talking about people that have lusted after, fantasized about, pined over, stalked, and/or harped about the person you were years prior to the person you are today. People that are in love with a memory of someone they once knew versus falling in love with the new person you have become. Those people that want you to entertain their life long fantasies about what could have been or what once was instead of the reality of what is now. Those folks must have left their brains in the past if they think that nothing has changed since the passing of about a hundred million full moons.

Now that I think about it though, I guess it wouldn’t be fair to limit this peeve to only those folks who are hallucinogenic about their feelings and emotions. We could, should and will apply this one to those persons who refuse to let go of past grudges about some off the wall, unimportant crap that nobody no longer cares about.