More questions about “normal” sexuality

Experimenting with sexuality is normal and healthy, and variety truly is the spice of life. “Kinky” is a very broad term that covers many, many activities. Playing with erotic power and exploring your sexy inner bad boy (or girl) can be ways to enjoy and enhance healthy sex. Something may not be “normal” in the sense of “statistically average,” but that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with it.

The key words in kinky play are safe, sane and consensual. Safe means just that – nothing unhealthy, dangerous, etc. Sane means not doing things that are unacceptably risky one way or another. Consensual means that both partners must agree to whatever is being done. If someone feels coerced or intimidated, they aren’t in a place where they can give their consent.

As with anything, talking with your partner about fantasies, limits and boundaries is the key to making sex work – and making it good.

What about fantasies?

Not everyone has them, but most of us do. Fantasies are a normal part of sexuality. It’s often said that the brain is the body’s biggest sex organ, and there is truth to that. Fantasies keep us from getting bored, help us understand our wants and needs, and can keep us from getting stuck in a rut.

It’s also important to understand that not all fantasies are something we would actually want to do in reality. Some fantasies are meant to stay that way – strictly fantasies.

At what age do people stop having sex?

Sexual energy may or may not decline with age; testosterone typically declines, and a drop in libido results. But there’s a wide variety in what is normal. If a person is reasonably healthy, there’s no reason why sex can’t be part of life at least into the 70s and 80s. Sex may look a little different than in younger years, but that may be just as much from knowing more about what works for you and how to be intimate as from physical changes.

Why don’t I have as much of a sex drive as my partner? Is that normal?

It is rare for two partners in a relationship to have exactly the same sex drive. One person usually initiates more often or wants sex more frequently. That doesn’t need to present a problem, but it does require communication and mutual care and concern. Talking about sex can be more difficult if one partner or the other feels “wrong.” It’s so easy for us to feel shame around sex, or to feel that something is damaged about us if we want sex less – or more – than someone else.

Pat Love has written several books about desire discrepancy, including “Hot Monogamy,” which I think of as a classic.