Daily Musings of the Quarter-Life Crisis

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This post is full of raw emotion.. and took a lot for me to put out there. Even though there’s only about 4-5 faithful readers of my intermittent blog posts-it’s very personal stuff. And long—so bare with me.

This past fall I struggled a LOT mentally. I alluded to it on the blog but was debating whether I ever wanted to delve into it any further. One word:

DEPRESSION. I fought with myself for months as to whether I actually was depressed… or if it was just a phase. Life after college was so anti-climatic and un-fulfilling. I guess I expected to be happy immediately with life as an ‘adult’. Suddenly (apart from Tyler), I felt completely alone. All my friends went off to their duty stations around the world (all went Active Duty), started jobs as teachers and nurses… and here I was. Confused to what I want to do job-wise, friendless, and lost.

It was the first time ever that I wasn’t being challenged in a classroom environment, being surrounded by people, etc. I wasn’t just a little lost-I had absolutely no idea where to go. My evenings after work were spent working out then wallowing at home-often over a glass of wine and tissues while I cried. It took a lot of discussing things with Ty and my mom but eventually I agreed to get help. I have been on anti-depressants for a while now. They were working but I think it may be time to up the dosage or change which one I’m on because I feel myself reverting to how I was a few months ago. I just am unhappy with where my life is right now job-wise (despite starting a new job) and what I want to do as a career. But now there’s an additional element with my depression-lack of self-esteem and severe body dysmorphia disorder.

Like most HLB’s-I do not have a healthy relationship with food/weight/body image. While I know I am not ‘fat’ (that word makes me cringe) per se, I also know that I am not thin/toned/etc. I have always struggled with my appearance. Growing up I was a swimmer so I had broad shoulders and a bigger build than all the twigs that I walked the halls with. Looking back I had a killer body, but even then I was never good enough.

Yes even in those pictures I thought I was fat.. never was happy with my body.

Insert years of yo-yo dieting (Atkins, SlimFast, etc.) and my weight was forever fluctuating. Then came college-also a time where it was up and down. When I started running I lost a lot of weight over a summer and everyone thought I looked great. Then junior & senior year happened and I gained it all back.

Fast forward to now, when I’m almost a year out of college-and I’ve not only held onto the College weight I gained-but I’ve put on additional weight. I guess sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day with minimal activity will do that for ya. Like before, I know I’m not ‘fat’ but I am very unhappy and disappointed in how I look. I know with how much I work out that I should be much more lean. Unfortunately it’s not just a thought when I look in the mirror thinking ‘Karla, you should clean up your diet and workout even harder’… instead of this brief thought I have a full-on and dehabilitating OBSESSION with my weight and appearance.

I know you’re probably thinking ‘everyone has some self esteem and body image issues’. This is true; to some extent everyone does. But mine has been blown so far out of proportion. I stand in the mirror for a good ten minutes everyday critiquing my body. Both Monday & today after I left the gym, I sat in my car and bawled for at least five minutes because I saw myself in a mirror at the gym and was overwhelmed with pure disappointment–feeling like I will never be good enough.

Tyler and I don’t argue much but 90% of the arguments we do have revolve around my self-esteem/confidence issues and always being negative about how I look. “Why can’t I eat what I want to eat? Why do I have to work so damn hard to lose a half pound? Will I always be the girl that feels guilty after eating pizza?’ The negativity surrounding myself then pours into our relationship. It’s a constant downward spiral. If he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful..why can’t I?

This is not healthy. I know this-but I haven’t been able to fix it…. Yet. I’m sure the anti-depressants do help a little bit, but it’s not enough. I’m not sure if I need to see a psychiatrist about these problems I face every single day or what I should do. I do know that I cannot keep letting them consume me-it’s stealing the normal ME and I want to be back. I want to look in the mirror and feel proud and happy.

I want to be proud of my big legs because they let me run. I want to admire my broad shoulders because it’s a reminder of how good of a swimmer I was {they carried me to state records and Nationals twice!} I want to be okay with my ‘love handles’ because it’s a part of who I am.

For now I do know one thing. I have decided to re-start my journey with Tone It Up. If you haven’t heard about TIU yet-go check it out! These two women are beautiful and incredibly talented trainers who really seem to know what they’re doing.. the transformation stories always are so inspiring! While it is a ‘diet’ it is more about a lifestyle change—which is exactly what I need. I’m hoping that through this journey and process I can learn to not always crave {& often give in} to pizza when I’m with Ty, regardless of how much I love it because then I just feel guilty and even worse after eating it. I hope to learn to LOVE healthy eating, and realize it is not as restrictive as people say. I hope to learn to experiment in the kitchen more and really restrict, if not abolish, my ‘cheat meals’. But most importantly, I hope to learn to love myself regardless the results.

Should I still seek a psychiatrist or a dietician? Probably… yes. I will be making phone calls soon I think.

I started the 7 Day Slim Down Monday.. I took “before” pictures (which be glad I’ll spare from scaring you with) and took my measurements. I’m really hoping this week, while challenging, will be the kickstart that I need to move towards the body that I want and deserve to get for myself. It will be tough eating exactly what I’m prescribed to this week but success will taste sweeter than any food I’m not allowed to eat

The real challenge will be when I’m at home with Ty this weekend for a family birthday party—they have cake and some of the BEST food around scattered on the table. It will be a true test but I think I’ve finally hit my lowest. Which means all I can do is go up right?

So… that is where my mind has been the past few months. If you made it this far-bless your soul.

Tell Me:If you have had any issues with body dysmorphia and depression…. let me know so I don’t feel alone! ❤