Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Only Way Is Essex: Series two - a verdict: the winners, the losers

As The Only Way Is Essex series two draws to a close on ITV2, what have we learned? Who are the winners, who are the losers? Ask yourself, fellow viewers, do we wish to return for a series three? Let's peruse the information as tv-ooh sees it.

LOSERS
1. Arg, or James, is quite simply a simpleton. His - albeit tanned - man boobs and weight gain do not an interesting plot line make. It's almost as bad as watching his awkward and hesitant attempts at 'talking about his feelings' in his on/off (but mainly off) relationship with Lydia. Enough.

2. Lydia. Lydia is by turns amusing and then annoying in her relationship with Arg (see above), but gets extra points for having a name that can be abbreviated to 'Lid'. Lid needs to go on holiday. We hope that bloke she's bumped into will put a smile on her face.

3. Mark and Lauren's relationship. "We've been together 10 years." It's time for their own spin-off series, so we don't have to watch them anymore.

1. Joey Essex, would-be Mark Wright, club promoter. That quiff. The too-tight slip-on plimsolls. The fake tan. His little Smart car. The limited vocabulary. A sketchy grasp of reality not unrelated to having an undiagnosed personality disorder. What's not to love?

2. Chloe, cousin of Joey Essex - that mouth, those inexplicably buoyant boobs - that tan! Chloe brings a bit of je ne sais pas to Essex. Plus, she's got a bit of an X-Factor-style sob story too, or at least, 'I've got a kid', which we sort of love her for. She'd be the one to do Celebrity Mastermind.

3. Lydia's mum, Debbie. Fierce protector of Lydia against Arg the simpleton, like when Arg bumped into Debbie in the street. "Sorry James, but I have more interesting things to worry about than you!" Only a slight de-frizzing of her wild hair could improve her.

3a. Lauren 'Popey' must also get a mention, but her relationship with fire-brand Kirk's going to cause problems with her mate Maria if Lauren agrees to move in with him.

And Amy, Harry, and Sam are all doing good business too, with their 'jels' and their 'shutupp' etc. In particular, Sam's new direction as 'successful businesswoman' - which means standing about in her sister's boutique - has been delightful.

We're not bored of them either, so that's good. TICK.

So do we want a third series? Yes - and there's one due later this year. Spiffing.