Tim Grobaty: Time to do the NCAA Tournament dance

SPOILER ALERT! WE DO THE DANCE: We are known in sporting circles for our ability to forecast NFL game outcomes. A follower of our NFL prediction will never go hungry. We know people who follow our picks who drive Cadillacs now. The fancy ones with the gold keys.

This year, for the first time, we are extending our expertise to the NCAA tournament, using the same secret methods that have served us and our followers so well over the seasons. We could blather on about our bona fides, but we have a lot to deal with, so let's jump in and see if we can't make you some money.

In the second round, we go with our insufficiently ballyhooed gut instinct.

In the South, your winners in the second round (nobody counts the first round) are Kentucky (duh); Iowa State in a minor upset over UConn, a school of which we've grown weary; Wichita State, because they're playing Virginia Commonwealth and Virginia is on our bad side these days (and don't even get us started on commonwealths); Colorado beats UNLV because Las Vegas is a horrible, horrible place; Baylor beats South Dakota State for obvious reasons; Our Holy Mother the Church, Notre Dame, will slightly edge the fractionally less holy Xavier; and Duke will beat Lehigh, because who hasn't?

In the West, Michigan State sadly beats LIU - we're too sad to even look up what LIU stands for; Memphis edges St. Louis in a battle over which of the two cities has a richer musical legacy; Cal State Long Beach crushes New Mexico, which thinks it can just sashay into the tournament and win its first game; Louisville beats Davidson, which bodes ill for Cal State Long Beach; Colorado State beats Murray State because Cal State Long Beach president F. King Alexander comes from Murray State and we don't want him distracted by rooting for two schools; Marquette beats whoever they play, either BYU or Iona, or both if it comes to that; Florida beats Virginia, because Virginia is still bothering us a lot; Missouri beats Norfolk State, because it's in Virginia.

Turning Eastward, we have Syracuse beating UNC-Ashville (another duh); Kansas State tragically beats Southern Mississippi; Vanderbilt beats Harvard in the least-meaningful game in the field of 32; Wisconsin absolutely obliterates Montana in biggest wipeout in this round; Cincinnati beats Texas because of the Bush family; Florida State beats St. Bonaventure, which will incur the wrath of God, resulting in its loss in the next round; Gonzaga, imagining itself still as a Cinderella team, beats underdog West Virginia because West Virginia is awfully close to Virginia, a state with which we're more than peeved at the moment; and Ohio State beats another Catholic squad, Loyola of Maryland.

In the drab Midwest, No. 1 seed North Carolina beats the No. 16 seeded team, using nothing more than the laws of probability; Alabama beats Creighton for its sole win in the tournament; Temple manages to get past whatever California team it gets to play; Michigan smashes Ohio, because it's Ohio, not Ohio State; San Diego State, in the best game of the round, beats North Carolina State in triple-overtime;

Georgetown, which will always be dead to us as long as they have a coach related to John Robinson, will beat Belmont because we rarely get what we want; St. Mary's avenges the Vatican with a win over Purdue; and Kansas sneaks by Detroit.

In the next round, we use the place-we'd-rather-live method.

In the South, Kentucky barely beats Iowa State, thanks to whiskey; Indiana squeaks by Wichita, because we're not going to live in Kansas; Colorado, with its beautiful mountains, beats Baylor, which has nothing; and Duke in North Carolina's brain belt (don't laugh; it's true) beats our beloved Notre Dame.

In the West, we'll go with Memphis over Michigan State for the barbecue and music; Long Beach, in the upset of the tourney, beats Louisville because we've got a house here already; Marquette beats Colorado State because we're sick of the mountains at this point; and Missouri, in the toughest battle in this round, edges Florida because Mound City, Mo., is beautiful this time of year.

On to the East, where we'll pick lovely and scenic Syracuse over Kansas State; Vanderbilt, wherever it is, is better than the poorly governed Wisconsin; in a horrible quandary we'll have to go to the little town of Cincinnati over the entire state of Texas; and we'll go with Gonzaga, even though Spokane is no Seattle, over Ohio State in the capital city.

In the dreary Midwest, we'll happily go with North Carolina over Alabama; Temple in Philly over Michigan; San Diego State in an easy win over idiotic Georgetown; and St. Mary's, wherever it is (unless it's in Virginia) over Kansas.

Next, we sift through the Sweet Sixteen by determining which team's mascot would win in a bar fight.

In the South, the Kentucky wildcats rip up the Indiana Hoosiers easily and the Colorado Buffaloes get the hell beat out of them by the Duke Blue Devils.

In the mighty West, the Memphis Tigers shred our beloved Cal State 49ers, and the Missouri Tigers have a tough go of it but eventually gobble up the Marquette Golden Eagles.

In the East, the lamest bar fight is won by the Syracuse Orangemen who outlast the Lionel Ritchie-led Vanderbilt Commodores, and in the most terrifying fight, the Bearcats of Cincinnati bring the Gonzaga Bulldogs to heel.

In the dry, dusty Midwest, an odd fight is won by the Tar Heels of North Carolina over the Temple Owls and San Diego State's Aztec, despite an abysmal performance against the Spaniards a long time ago, fare better against the Gaels of St. Mary's.

It's the Elite Eight; now for this we bring nothing but our pure skill, intelligence and hoops savvy to bear, which results in Duke winning the South; Missouri winning the West, Syracuse winning the East and North Carolina taking the boring and uneventful Midwest.

To determine who goes to Finals, we ask a girl! We dragged the nearest one we can find on deadline, reporter/vocalist Pamela Hale, who hates basketball and is utterly ignorant about the game. She picks Duke over Missouri and in a stupid upset, San Diego over Syracuse.

For the finals, we do a coin flip, hoping Syracuse wins. Syracuse is heads, San Diego is tails. We flip one of our many quarters onto the plush carpeting in our embarrassingly opulent suite of offices.

It's heads. Duke wins.

So, just follow those guidelines and you can't lose. Although, upon review, you might want to tone down the enthusiasm for San Diego State.