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Abu Hamza unable to play hooky in US courtroom

Islamist preacher Abu Hamza, born Mustafa Kamal Mustafa, has appeared at the US federal court in New York this week, minus his scary bits. Hamza lost his hands doing something that ‘went down a bomb in Afghanistan’ during the 1980s, however health and safety officials have ruled that he could not wear his trademark hook in court after concerns that he could ‘have someone’s eye out.’

The radical cleric is charged with various crimes including hostage taking, conspiring to provide material support to terrorists, abetting religious war in Afghanistan, and impersonating the boogieman.

During the hearing, his defence lawyer asked for the return of his prosthetic limbs, saying they were essential for him to ‘function in a civilised manner’. The prosecution countered that it was not clear that this had worked previously.

Without his hook, it was argued, Hamza might need assistance ‘doing icky stuff’. Furthermore, without his strap-on double-barrelled shotgun, the cleric’s sermons would lose their customary gravitas, and that his prosthetic egg-whisk was vital for preparing his breakfast just how he liked it. Other undisclosed gadgets were ‘for recreational use only’. The only artificial limb Hamza has been permitted to brandish during the proceedings is his favourite rubber chicken, Foofy.