Friday, April 27, 2007

So I haven't heard from my apartment manager yet, but I did email the SPD and ask them for advice. I spoke with a very nice officer and she is planning to investigate further as to whether my neighbor is just off her meds or something more serious.

I feel pretty good about this situation in that I think that my neighbor probably just needs some help and now (hopefully) she will get it.

That being said, I am still moving. So keep your eyes peeled for potential Quiana roommates.

Yesterday I was on the phone with my dear former roommate as I let myself in through the second security door and into my hallway.Crazy Neighbor’s door popped open and she waddled out.“I need to talk to you,” she said walking towards me.I waggled my phone at her. “We need to talk,” she said continuing towards me.I just shut my door.

At 8:45 in my post-work out/ post-dinner flush I lay sprawled across my bed indulging in my secret shame- Ugly Betty- when there was a thoroughly expected knock at my door.At 8:45 on Thursdays Monica shows up and we chat until Grey’s comes on.

“Come in,” I called, “its locked; just let yourself in.”And there was no answer.I thought that perhaps Monica has a bunch of junk in her arms and can’t get her keys out.So I hopped up and threw open the door to find Crazy Neighbor.

With no preamble she declared, “I’m sorry to bug you, it’s just that every time I leave my apartment they come in and steal from me.”

Finally unable to contain the look that says ‘oh my gosh you are totally bonkers,’ I stared at her, slack jawed.

At that moment my hallway door opened and an unseen person approached.Crazy Neighbor blocked my door with her considerable girth/ crazy person powers.Monica was unable to enter; also nervous, she hovered a few feet away.

‘It’s just that I can’t leave my things in there because Dan (our apt. manager) will come in and steal them.”She was genuinely scared and wrung her hands furiously.“Can I bring over a few things for you to keep safe for me while I run an errand?It’ll only take 15 minutes.”

I had no idea what to do.Crazy Neighbor was counting on me and all of this was so real to her, so I agreed.I will admit that partially I just wanted her to go away and let Mon in and that I also was a tad bit nervous about possible reprisals if I refused.

Monica came in the second she left and we screamed soundlessly and jumped up and down waving our hands in a panic.

A few minutes later she returned with three carrier bags full of papers- notebooks, loose leaf, envelopes, just paper.I was tempted to examine them, but didn’t want to be accused of anything if she noticed. Fifteen minutes later she knocked on my door, I handed her the bags and stammered ‘thank you’ (which in my mind means ‘we’re done here, now go away’) repeatedly and slamming the door shut.

I immediately declared that one of us (preferably both) has to move right away.I called my apartment manager and left him a voicemail asking him to call me the next day because I have something very important to discuss with him. I plan to tell him that I feel freaked out and unsafe and so should he.That he needs to boot her or I’m out of here.

So, if any of you know someone looking for a roommate- possibly temporarily, I’m looking to move ASAP.

It’s not simply that I’m scared she might crap on my door mat, or yell at me, or chop me up into tiny pieces and feed me to her fish; it’s that I can’t deal with her coming over every time she has a break with reality.I can’t open my door to her and I don’t want to be her enemy.I just want her and her weird cloud gone.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Last night I watched Grey Gardens, a documentary about two batty old chicks living in a mouldering mansion. They went from fortune and a very excellent pedigree to living in a house so filthy that the health authority tried to bounce them. The daughter of the pair was a debutant and was engaged to the heir to an enormous fortune and then something happened, I'm not sure what, but there she was 25 years later living in complete squalor.4 monkeys for being interesting, though screechy.

I pondered the film for a while and thought, could that be me? Over-educated, proposed to but never married, old and alone, with raccoons and (God forbid) my mother?It is unfathomable.

I also watched Blood Diamond.5 monkeys. I got all misty at the end. Twice. God damned ridiculous.

Crap, about which I worry: my foot.So tomorrow I am scheduled to get another cortisone shot. You may recall that that hurt. A lot. And only provided me with brief relief. But now my foot is greatly improved. Could this be a product of the shot? Or merely of time and good care?Am I just attempting to avoid the temporary discomfort of hurty-foot and risking longer term hurty-foot?I do not know.But if you have an opinion, particularly one that involves me NOT getting the shot, I would welcome it...

Lately I've been feeling kind of guilty. Guilty for being so privileged and wanting more and being wasteful and environmentally harmful. I choose to blame Al Gore.On the other hand I saw the movie Happy Feet (3 monkeys) and decided I didn't like it because of the unnecessary, awkward, and forced environmental message. So I felt all tough and badass.But then I watched The Pursuit of Happiness (5 monkeys) and felt all guilty and privileged again.Finally I watched Smoking Aces (a mess attempting to replicate Lock Stock and other movies of its ilk with no success- 2 monkeys) which made me feel sad that Ryan Reynolds didn't take his shirt off.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

I recently finished a book called In a Sunburned Country by Bill Bryson. It reminded me of the beauty of Nature... when it isn't trying to kill you.

I would like to spend even more time in the woods this summer than last, but I find great frustration in finding good hikes. A book is quickly out of date and you have no guarantee that you will find what you want on a pay website. And even after you pick the hike you still have to call the ranger.

Now there is Hikipedia. This site is completely free and includes all kinds of great features such as current and projected weather, sunsets times, google driving directions, and phone numbers for the relevant ranger.

It has surprisingly few local hikes and I would like to change that. The key to making this site worth visiting is letting people know it is there, so:Hey People! Check out Hikipedia!

Captain America, Armed With Burrito, Arrested in FLA Florida doctor, dressed up in a Captain America costume, was arrested at a bar for allegedly groping a woman.Witnesses say Doctor Raymond Admacik approached the woman with a burrito in his pants, and made inappropriate comments.Jill Fredrickson with the Melbourne Police Department says, "He approached her with a burrito...Everything else has been coming from witnesses that reporters have talked to with how he used the burrito."She says when officers arrived at the scene they asked all the men in Captain America uniforms at the bar to take part in a line-up. That's when the woman pointed out her alleged harasser.Fredrickson says after Dr. Admacik was taken to the police station, he tried to flush drugs down a toilet. An officer saw him do it, and stopped him.Admacik faces battery, disorderly conduct and drug charges. He's been released on community supervision.

Ore. gov. starts week on food stampsIn fact, the Democratic governor couldn't afford much of anything during a trip to a Salem-area grocery store on Tuesday, where he had exactly $21 to buy a week's worth of food — the same amount that the state's average food stamp recipient spends weekly on groceries.My food budget including eating out and groceries: $300 a month.

Monday, April 23, 2007

In 1985 you gave me chicken pox. For that I was already grateful, but for you to have given me chicken pox that stowed away in my spinal fluid, then creeped up inflaming a nerve and sprouting pox upon my back, exactly along my bra-line, I cannot be thankful enough.Tommy, you suck.

My life sucks, and since chicken pox is technically herpes, I am on herpes meds and now my pharmacist will never want to be my boyfriend and it is ALL YOUR FAULT, TOMMY!

I hope you have the real herpes with warts on your man bits.

I should have predicted this would happen when you ALWAYS made me be the Decepticon.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Zombie Plague Alert Level was raised to yellow this morning when the creepy geometric rash escaped its square confines and popped up in other portions of my back and a renegade group- and it galls me to say it- under my right breast. These new groups do not seem to care for squares and are in any and every shape.

I cannot express my level of discomfort, but let me say that if I was a dude I would not have even made it into work today. There is no bra made by man (nor, I contend, beast) that can possibly work without touching my fiery and painful rash of damnation.

This is a rash of perhaps not biblical proportion, but maybe of biblical origin; am I being scourged by God? My guess would be that He's ticked about the cursing and the hating everyone and whatnot. Maybe hydrocorisone does not work on scourges. That would explain a lot.

I have now made an appointment to see my doctor today at 3. Undoubtedly, she will then become exposed and turn around and expose countless patients to my horrifying, but very gradual zombification.Today I'm scratching my back... sometime next year I'm scratching yours.With my teeth.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Brides already not self-obsessed enough.Now they must be princess brides: Disney to offer gowns for Princess brides. You can just file this under shit that makes me want to slap someone and yell.What happened to weddings in the home with food and decorations made for you by your loving family and friends? I'm sick of multiple showers, bachelorette weekend trips, wedding ceremonies in churches for non-religious persons, followed by hours long receptions with flocks of expensively clad attendants, many speeches, bad music, mediocre food, and cheap booze. Followed shortly after by acrimonious divorce and cheer up martinis.Listen people, celebrate your love of a lifetime by taking that 30k and putting a down on a house. Register for the items you would like in said house and receive them at a tasteful ceremony at your new home.

Cell phones possibly causing death of honey beesThis headline caught my eye, not simply because the mystery of the lost bees is intriguing, but also because I am currently reading Cell, by Stephen King. Cell is essentially about cell phones creating zombies (Oh, the subtlety).He rages near constantly at the rudeness of cell users and thus wrote a somewhat diverting book in which he takes his revenge. It actually bothers me that King is so irked by cell phones. Sure some people talk on them when they should be talking to the checker or waitress- but these people are rude people and regardless of their cell-phones would find something equally rude behavior. Perhaps while buying their Disney Princess gowns....

Ed Norton to play Bruce Banner in upcoming The Incredible Hulk.I can't believe someone as snotty as Ed Norton wants to play the Hulk.That being said, I will still go see it in the theater... because I am a complete idiot."Edward is perfectly suited to bring one of the most popular and important Marvel icons to the big screen in a new and exciting way," Marvel Studios production president Kevin Feige said in a statement.Said Norton, "Look, all this coke doesn't just magically appear in my nose, you know!"

Seattle man charged in bizarre duck caseA long convoluted story in which a dude jacks some crap from the Linens & Things [that you don't need] and attempts to escape in his car, which almost runs over his girlfriend's pet duck, Mr. Peepers, causing an onlooker to jump in front of the car to save the duck, thus being run over.No, seriously.Of course this couldn't happen today, when I actually have to go to the adjacent Best Buy. That would have been quite the show

Va. Tech: Gunman student from S. KoreaNow this is where I offend.Headline alternatives:Va. Tech: Gunman likes peanut butter sandwiches.Va. Tech: Gunman boring white kid from Corvalis Oregon.Va. Tech: Gunman had six fingers on his right hand.I really am bothered that the only relevant detail- that he was a student- was completely ignored in favor of the fact that he was Korean. Also you screwed the pooch on punctuation. Excellent job news media.Enjoy raking in the profits by providing self-indulgent America with pointless details in every new edition, thus enabling us to emotionally take advantage of a tragedy of which we have no part.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Last week I took my cousin Sean and one of his little buddies to TMNT.In their cusp-of-teenage way they said it was "alright." I thought it was interesting, well animated, and actually possessed a great message about teamwork and expectations.

So, three days ago I got out of the shower and noticed that during the night I had scratched my back (or so I believed at the time) and a patch of it was red and swollen.The next day the patch began to itch like nuts and I noticed that it was exactly square.Yesterday I was displeased with life as I had been woken up by my own unconscious scratching of the patch.Last night I was still waking myself up with the scratching to the point that I had to wear socks on my hands to prevent myself from irritating the skin further. I am driven nuts by this and am going to have to go and get some kind of stuff to put on it OR go to the doctor (which I HATE doing.)The point that I meant to get to earlier is that I can’t determine why I have a square rash. My grandma thinks it is an allergic reaction—but to what? I am not wearing anything new or doing anything new (because I am boring).My guesses:Flesh eating bacteria. Zombie plague.WebMD has me convinced that I have cancer or hepatitis. I tried looking up my known allergies to look for something new. Interestingly, it noted that my latex allergy and my tomato allergy are connected as they both share a common protein. It also noted that it could be eczema, as that runs in the family too.Also interestingly, it didn’t have any mention of zombie plague. I’m thinking government cover up.

Last week I came home late at night, lugging my heavy laundry bag behind me. A drunk was puking in the alley as I put my key in the first security door and turned it. I turned the key and pulled the handle, then looked down at the keys in my hand. My security door key had broken off in the lock. There I stood, between security door #1 and security door #2. Sighing I called Mon and she told me I could swing by her boyfriend’s house and snag his key. (Which I did after leaving a pitiful voice mail for my manager.)The next day the manager called to tell me that he had slid my new key under my door. He asked, “So how did you break your key?”I paused for a minute and said, “Hulk smash!”Then he paused. “So it just broke when you turned it?”“Yea.”

This seal has apparently driven out smaller seals, attacked a pit-bull, growled (I'm not making that up) at a kayaker and rushed some surfers.

The part the really strikes me is that the dog-owner attacked the 2,000 pound seal to get his dog back. Dude, I don't care if it grabs my mom, 2,000 pounds of angry seal is too much for me unless it's grilled to perfection in a nice adobo sauce.

I'm strongly reminded of when my grandma and grandpa rushed into the ocean to rescue their schnauzer that had gotten stranded on a rock as the tide came back in because it couldn't remember how to get off the rock.Just piss on Darwin's grave people. As I just said to Lynn, 'there are no school zones in nature.'

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Recently I loaded some monster ballad action onto my iTunes at work and a coworker mentioned excitedly to me that she had seen Nelson live. Nelson!!! Nelson!

I LOVE Nelson. Growing up I had an unhealthy crush on Ricky Nelson, the father of Mathew and Gunnar (the actual band Nelson). This was mainly unhealthy in that I was 8 and Ricky, frozen forever at a beautiful 16 on TV, was by that time dead.

Never mind that.

My parents share a love of Genesis, Simply Red and Jazz records. My first music purchases were Guns N' Roses and Bon Jovi. My mother cried in the car on the way home.

The music I really loved was Whitesnake, Cinderella, Poison, and Ratt. Hearing about Nelson again after all this time made me wonder if they are still performing.

Well, yes they are. In fact I am a new subscriber to their official newsletter with concert dates etc. If anyone wants to join me for a Nelson concert, let me know.

Kurt Vonnegut passed away yesterday. I feel the need to say something, but I can't make my words work together.

His work greatly influenced me in my youth.It is strange to me how you can do amazing things and then die from falling down. We learn to walk so that years from that day we can fall over and crack our skulls or fracture a hip. I just don't understand.

The New York Times is reporting that scientists at Leeds Uni have discovered the formula for a perfect bacon sandwich. Hint= 2 pieces of white bread with crispy bacon. Of course because I am a genius, I discovered this formula in second grade. (Although I like my bread toasted and with a small dab of butter- for health's sake...)

Thanks for the link, Paul, you made my granola and yogurt entirely unsatisfying.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Today I am mired in a spreadsheet/envelope stuffing dilemma. You see both of these suck... and I don't want to do them. So I keep checking my email, and yet there is so rarely anything in there. I blame this blog. People hear from me all the time, so they don't update me on themselves. Hey people, update me about yourself!! I am so bored! I reorganized all of my files, both on my actual computer and on the server. Soon I may do something drastic, such as finish this spreadsheet.

I can tell I'm getting old because when my single good looking dentist asked me how I chipped my tooth in that spot, rather than saying that some some crazy bitch slapped me in a club in Conshohocken Pennsylvania, I said, "oh I chipped it in college" as though I endured some kind of library accident... in my face.

Further evidence that I am old can be found in the occurences of last night. I wanted to just zone out and watch a little TV, so I started watching one of those police procedurals and was kind of dozing. Then I woke up a little and was channel hopping and when I flipped back to what I thought was the same show, it took me 20 minutes to realize that I had been so tired (both of procedurals and in general) that I watched the second half of the one with Mandy Patinkin and the first half of the Law and Order with Ice-T.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

WWTDD.com is reporting that Scarlett Johansson (previously linked to: Justin Timberlake, Derek Jeter, Jared Leto, Josh Hartnet, and Benicio del Turo) has pounced upon Ryan Reynolds in clear violation of the dibs that I called in 1991.

Ryan, I liked you when you had no abs and a bowl haircut... you just keep that in mind.

Readers, you may ask yourself why this is blogworthy here on SUC... well it's just a little something for the ladies.

Depoe Bay was lovely and I had a great time. We tried a different local bakery every day, played at the beach, watched whales and sea lions from my balcony, geocached, put together some challenging puzzles, read two magazines and three books, and slept about 12+ hours a day.

We also watched the following films:SuspicionClassic Hitchcock film starring (most notably) Cary Grant about a woman who marries a scoundrel and becomes convinced that he is a murderer and that she is next.A well made movie with a kind of annoyingly cutsie ending.Five monkeys.

Grandma’s BoyA movie about a pot-smoking game tester who moves in with his grandma… and stuff happens. I thought that I would hate this movie, but I didn’t. In fact, I really enjoyed it and laughed a lot. I deeply desired giving it 4 monkeys for doing exactly what it was created to do, but I feel like that is too much monkey compared to much “better” movies I’ve rated.Well, you know what- screw it, this is my blog. 4 monkeys it is.

Insomnia (Norwegian version)A movie about a detective who is witnessed committing a crime by the murderer that he is chasing.Fine for a foreign film; however, like God I like things hot or cold. I spit out the luke warm. Patooey. 2 monkeys for being ok.

TidelandsA [really weird] film shot from the perspective of a very pitiful little girl. A weird film. Very weird and kind of disturbing.On one hand the grotesque sexual themes made me uncomfortable, but on the other hand because the film is shot from a perspective of a child and her (and I am not making this up) lobotomized friend, maybe we’re the perverts and they’re the innocents.Had I had any inkling of what this film was at the outset I would not have watched it. That being said, 3 monkeys for being interesting, but negative two for being kind of pointless and confusing. A further negative one monkey for making me think about Courtney Love- even if that wasn’t their intent.So that brings it to an absence of monkeys. Now that is how you balance an equation.

EragonA movie about a boy and some dragon something something.Fine for its genre, but not a movie I would watch again… or on purpose….2 monkeys for kind of being boring… and about dragons and people who ride them and talk to them using their minds. (SNORT)

In small furry rabies news, Sean and I were approached by a ground squirrel… behind us a cliff and ahead snarled a small furry beast of doom. Sensibly we screamed bloody murder and ran along the cliff's edge like the bitches we are. We may be cowards, but we’re cowards who aren’t writhing in excruciating pain as we die of The Rabies.

In I look too damn young news, I was given a children's place mat at a restaurant. Damn it.