the ex bulimic of my soul, of my heart, shall preempt this message by stating that yesterday’s once-in-ten-years-weigh-in (outside of annual gynecological visits) yielded 110 pounds. that was WITHOUT my kate spade heels but WITH heavy designer jeans, a graphic tshirt, cute elephant jewelry, four cups of coffee, three bags of starbucks nuts, and one banana. so, i imagine and hope for the actual number to exist somewhere around 109. there, i’ve said it. if you want to know my weight, it is 109. nine is my favourite number.

as you all know, yesterday SUCKED. i was knocked off of my rocker, feeling bulimic, yet not even remotely so. but as my blog friend missy poetically stated, “the worst days in recovery are a gadzillion times better than our best days in disease.” i couldn’t have said it any better myself.

so what REALLY happened yesterday? i have pictures to explain it all! 🙂

25 of september, 1999: it was my one month and four day anniversary of being BULIMIC. before that, i was anorexic for six months. so for one month, from the 21 of august of 1999 until the 25 of september 1999, i ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate. i was a senior in high school. and although i vomited and ingested laxatives, i naturally gained some poundage.

at my grandfather’s birthday party, on the september 1999 date of subject, in response to my new one-month-old puffy aesthetics, he said, in his sweet, beautiful, italian english accent, “BELLA, YOU LOOK-A HEALTHY!” as he said those words, he rubbed his fingers on his chin, indicating that my face had filled out, to one of a FAT italian woman.

it was one of the worst days of my life.

1999

when i look at that photograph, when i see the white abercrombie long-sleeved t-shirt with blue lettering, when i remember how every inch of my heart and brain felt at the exact moment of his comment, i smell laxatives. i smell vomit. i smell tears. i smell shame.

so now, 12 years later, i wanted to capture “the healthy birthday image” because it would create a great “then versus now blog story.” right? so, i visited my grandfather, hoping to vindicate myself of that terrible memory. but when i entered their home, my sweet italian grandmother exclaimed, “you look better than you did a month ago. you’ve filled out. you’ve gained some weight.”

my heart sank.

i haven’t gained weight. i’ve lost some. but my heart didn’t just sink this time, because i felt shameful for myself, for my aesthetics, for my failure. it sunk because i felt shameful for people. they judge. and judging is hurtful. i even hopped onto the scale in my grandfather’s bathroom, scared out of my god damn wits, hoping for 115 max, and the numbers came out better than ever. but why do numbers matter? they don’t. but to an ex bulimic, numbers are, consequentially, everything.

i love my grandmother. i love my grandfather. and although they finally know about the bulimia, they’ll never quite understand what i’ve been through, what i’ll go through. so i’m warning you all now. when you’re grandparents in 50 years and the granddaughter or grandson fluctuates, don’t judge them. just love them, for who he or she is on the inside.

yes! i also strive to avoid comments on physical appearance! but if i really think that someone is fabulous, i will say just that. “you are fabulous!” and missy, YOU are fabulous! 🙂 –> that sounded so cheesy, but it’s true.

VanessaSeptember 26, 2011 @ 10:26 pm

Maybe I am misunderstanding your post, but I don’t see anywhere that either of your grandparents judged you, either 12 years ago or now. To me, it sounded like both times, they were telling their granddaughter how beautiful they think she is. Your “bulimic mind” may have contorted it into some judgment about your weight. But to compare bulimia/anorexia to cancer, as some other bloggers who read yours have done, I can only imagine how sweet comments like those must sound to someone who went through months of horrendous chemotherapy treatments, not able to eat because of the horrible mouth sores and body-wrenching nausea/vomiting. To see your bones sticking out because the only treatment we have for cancer is poison and radiation….then to finally be able to eat again, and to gain weight. To have someone tell you that you look healthy and filled out, instead of the sad glances for your wasted appearance. I can only imagine the elation at being able to feel ‘normal’ again. I watched my mom die, and working in intensive care units, I have watched many other people die, usually from long illnesses. Emaciation, gauntness, protruding bones…these are the result of the body turning in on itself and shutting down. It’s death and illness that take someone you once knew and still love and turn them into someone you don’t recognize. People aren’t judging you, nms, they are celebrating the fact that you are alive and returning to who they know and love.

VanessaSeptember 26, 2011 @ 10:33 pm

As a side note, I own a scale and weigh myself relatively often. I am 5’4″ and typically fluctuate between 135-145 pounds. Since about age 16, I have weighed as little as 113 (which I don’t think was for long, and I only remember it cause of the number 13 🙂 ), and as much as 160.

i LOVE your obsession with numbers!!! THANK YOU for sharing this side note! 🙂 do you eat based upon your weekly weigh-in? example, if you’re at 135, will you eat less stringently? if you’re at 145, will you cut back? do you count calories? or are you just aware?

VanessaSeptember 27, 2011 @ 5:39 pm

For some reason, I sometimes am not able to hit reply to the comment I want to reply to, so this is a reply to your comment below.
I mostly weigh myself out of curiosity. It is not a weekly scheduled occurrence. I just do it when I think about it. I will weigh myself several days in a row, and then go for days or weeks without weighing myself.
I don’t really have any concept of how many calories I eat. Since I still work night shift, I have pretty irregular eating patterns. But I have never eaten a normal breakfast/lunch/dinner. I am very much a grazer/snacker. Last night at 11pm-ish (my husband worked from 7-10pm, and we woke up around 6pm), for ‘dinner’ (which was also lunch; I probably ate something before he got home, but I don’t remember what), I had a bowl of cereal, two veggie hot dogs with cheese and a ton of ketchup/mustard, and a twice-baked potato. Then as a bedtime snack, I had rice mixed with a little butter and parmesan cheese (I really do like cheese!). In contrast, the other night I worked, I had a piece of cheesecake early on, and didn’t feel much like eating the rest of the night. I was a bit nauseous feeling by the time I got home, so I just had a small bowl of rice. So just those two things (and my green tea) all day. But it wasn’t motivated by calories so much as my nausea (I usually eat a bunch when I get home from work).
I will read labels, and if something I want to get at the store has a ton of calories/fat/sugar, I typically won’t buy it. Or will just buy a limited portion. Or only buy it every once in awhile. But again, I don’t know how many calories I eat in a day. I am sure I eat close to 3,000-4,000 on some days, and only 1,000-1,500 on others. We also try to limit our eating out to once per week, since it is more expensive, and more difficult to eat healthy.
I would love to weigh in the 120s, so it is not as if 135 is my goal weight. But again, it is not the number so much. I don’t have as much muscle tone, and far more excess body fat than I should (either for aesthetic purposes or health reasons). I wouldn’t care what the number was if I felt my muscle/fat ratio was better. But the funny thing is, if the number on the scale is a bit higher, it pushes me to eat less. The same is true if the number is lower…it encourages and motivates me in both my eating and exercising habits.
I am very much trying to move my husband and I more towards unprocessed/natural foods as much as possible. It is amazing to me the reliance of the American diet on fat, salt, sugar, preservatives and artificial sweeteners. And we are no different. Again, being a nurse, I often see where the consumption of all this leads. My husband has just been put on high blood pressure medication. Some of the reason may be genetic, but diet/exercise/etc play a part as well. He most certainly is considered overweight, at 5’11” and 230pounds. A lot of of my motivation to be more active/healthy comes from the fact that he is 13 years older than me, and has been an addict/alcoholic for a lot of his adult life (and just otherwise unhealthy). The odds are that he is going to die before me anyways (even though I tell him all the time that I have to die first! 🙂 ), but I want to do everything I can to keep him alive as long as possible.
So, to answer your questions (after that long, drawn-out reply!), I do not count calories. I am somewhat aware of calories, but mostly because unhealthy foods generally have more fat/calories/sugar, and I try to (but don’t always or even often succeed at) stay away from them. 🙂

vanessa, i read this entire wonderful comment whilst walking gwendolyn earlier this afternoon, and my eyes were captivated to the very last punctuation . . . no, to the very last smiley face! your friendship and your support of my blog mean the absolute world to me, and i’m so grateful for your honest, raw feedback. i still think that cheese will forever be gross after having experienced daiya! haha! maybe one day i will fully convert you. but just like with my thoughts on religion and politics, not accepting anyone trying to convert me, i’m just offering my opinion to you with a complete light heart. 🙂 i’ve always looked at your photographs and thought, “wow, she’s beautiful,” kind of like i thought of your mom. before we even became friends on facebook, i was a facebook creeper and would look at everyone’s photographs who weren’t yet my friend, and i specifically remember yours because i had observed your wedding photos. i was enamoured with your happiness and beauty! and it just makes me so happy that you’re wanting your hubby to be super healthy . . . and i exclaimed, “aw!” when i read your comment about your desire to die before him. i want to meet a guy that i feel the same way about. thus far, there’s zilch. 🙂 thank you for sharing your thought process at is pertains to food. i bet there are lots of my blog friends getting a healthy dose of value from it. it’s the most interesting thing in the world to me, to understand how other people, especially friends, think about food. xx

the comparison of a self inflicted disease does not even compare to something like cancer. i agree with you, 100 percent. and i’m so sorry that you have to read those terrible things from fellow bloggers. your comment made my heart ache. 🙁

the point of describing my grandfather’s reaction of 12 years ago was to depict the shame that i felt. he thought that he was complimenting me, but he was complimenting aesthetics that were created by my being VERY sick. so that prompted shame, disgust, and hate. i hated myself because of his comments. they still burn in my brain. but he didn’t know that i was sick. and that’s what i’m trying to achieve through my blog ~ awareness that people don’t know. someone can hide bulimia forever, even from their closest family and friends. regarding my grandmother’s commentary of this weekend . . . i will email you offline about this because i do not desire to open her comments and my head’s response to public scrutiny.

🙂 xx

VanessaSeptember 27, 2011 @ 6:28 pm

I actually am not at all offended by the comparison of eating disorders (or any addiction for that matter) to cancer. People don’t choose to get cancer. But I also don’t think people choose to ‘get’ an eating disorder or an addiction. But, I do feel that a person can choose what to do about their disease (having in mind, also, your post about selfishness and some comments to that post).

My husband definitely took steps into, and made choices that led him further into his addiction for many years. He was very selfish for very long. His addiction made him think that this was OK, and at times, as if he did not have any other choice. Stealing money and belongings from me/family/friends, foregoing activities cause he was too high on pills, lying about his whereabouts. These were all selfish choices. But he also made the choice to get help. He will always be a recovering addict with a chance at relapse. But everyday he makes the choice not to relapse is his unselfish choice. I drink, and do have alcohol in the house. Sometimes when we go out, I get drunk. He is the DD. 🙂 I do have prescribed controlled substances in the house. I used to feel the need to count pills. Not so much anymore.
I feel the same way about eating disorders, and about cancer. There are choices and steps you can make towards either one of those. While, of course not all cancer risks are choices by any means. But some psycho-neurobiological risk factors for addictions and eating disorders are not choices either. What you can choose is how you treat your disease. Having cancer or an addiction or eating disorder, you can decide to accept the disease and live in it, not fighting it, while also affecting those around you. Or you can fight it. If my mom had not chosen to fight her cancer, and instead had let it take her at the age of 39, I am sure I would have thought she was selfish. But on the flip side, after fighting it for 10 years, and losing, I would feel as if we (her family) were the selfish ones if we did not allow her to stop fighting when she chose.

I guess the difference I see between cancer and eating disorders/addictions, is that with cancer, even though the symptoms of the disease suck, it is the disease itself that will kill you. With addictions and eating disorders, the actual disease sucks but won’t kill you. It is the symptoms/manifestations of the disease that will kill you. You can choose and learn to manage your symptoms (food obsessions/safe foods, binging/purging, restricting, exercise quotas, etc or doing drugs, etc.), and while still having the psycho-neurobiological disease to cope with may suck, again, it won’t kill you. With cancer, the symptoms are also difficult to manage, but can be managed. The disease itself is what takes your life.

In this way, ED/addictions are more comparable (in my mind) to hypertension, diabetes, high cholesterol. All diseases that certainly can lead to death if untreated. But through medications and (sometimes difficult) lifestyle modifications, they are treatable.

Anyways, again with my long rambling simply to say that the cancer analogy does not offend me. I used it myself to say that being recovered from a disease should make you happy to feel as if you look ‘normal’ again. But with your grandfather’s comments…your follow-up explanation made a bit more sense than my original interpretation. I will read and respond to your email soon. 🙂

As usual, Nicole, you’ve touched my heart.
I recall ALL the comments considering my looks, which I’d interpreted as insults in my bulimic mind. So hurtful!
And as usual – I celebrate the better you and wish one day to look at the world as you do now.

greta, that is so sweet! when i was a child, i always drew a “sun” in my pictures, and a child psychologist told me that was indication of a “happy child.” so, i intentionally stopped drawing them. i was a rebellious seven-year old. 🙂 but now, as an adult, when i look at the world, i see the sun. (i prefer darkness and nighttime, but nonetheless, it’s always sunny). 🙂 xx

beautifully said, my friend! focusing on goodness has really changed things. yoga brought goodness into my life. i’m no longer black and white like a contract. i have emotions, and i care about things other than myself. i love grandparents! i love gwendolyn! and i love harry! 🙂 xx

[…] it’s taken since sunday, almost an entire week, but i’ve finally recovered from the comments which my ex bulimic mind had misconstrued. my head, suddenly, snapped into excitement for a weekend of healthy food and fun after nervously fearing it, up until that exact moment. […]

Oh my goodness, you were right!! I can relate to this so much! I agree with the other comments too, I think it’s just better not to say stuff about people’s appearances. It either makes people really happy or really disappointed. BUT I gotta say, you’re a really gorgeous girl nicole, truly inside and out! 🙂

I still feel the same way about “health” comments love. I always went on diets after i got one of those — “oh your thighs look muscular” comments! GEEESH . My therapist would ALWAYS ask, “why”? Well duh!!! I’m a fat cow, of course.

“Walking on eggshells” permiates the family. No one EVER knows what to say. And so, with my family no one said anything for a long, long time. We just felt guilty and tried to pretend to love each other when deep down we were all worried (and are worried) about each other.

My family is doing OK. My mom and dad are still alive. My brother talks to me when my dad makes him. Otherwise he would prefer to kill me — so he says after a bottle and 1/2 of vodka or JD. ladeeda … just another day in a family of dysfunction. Am I right or am i right?

[…] me. although their intentions, in their eyes, might be good, and they, indeed, have no right to walk upon eggshells, i simply do not wish for drama. drama = stress = desire to binge/purge = time away from playing […]

[…] weight assessment is rather daunting! 🙂 mommy, an exbulimic, is very much anti-scale, so we tend to avoid it like the plague. she stresses other factors as being indicative of good health: energy, happiness, and fitting […]

[…] family function happening today. I’m not attending because the judgements run thicker than full fat almond […]

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My name is Nicole Marie Story. I am the creative director of The Yoga Ballerina, an editorial on yoga, peloton, politics, and my dog. I believe in human perfection and strive for that state in everything that I do. Having lived with an eating disorder for 17.5 years, I am presently writing a book on how I crushed the disorder and achieved joyful living. Gwendolyn is my fur baby, and together we create adventures which I convert into written and verbal stories through my blog and podcast. Namaste!