Your Horoscope

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Much of your bad luck is preventable. You may have been the victim of some of the shit the world throws at people—but that’s at least partially because you’ve been making yourself such a broad target, through a range of (or perhaps just one particularly effective) self-destructive behavior. Don’t be a martyr; it’s tiresome, and ultimately not all it’s cracked up to be. Instead, take a step outside yourself; get the help you need, and quit your awful, insidious (and often deviously subtle) soul-killing habits. Do it now, because each spin around any self-destructive spiral is worse than the one before.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
At the moment, you’re like Marmite, that obnoxious yeast by-product that most Brits treasure and no one else can tolerate. You’re the delicious flavor cherished by those for whom it’s familiar but sort of revolting for those who’ve never tried it before. Don’t take offense. Those who love you are pleased that no one else knows how amazing you are; that way, they don’t have to share you. And those that don’t yet know how magnificent you are may regard you as something of an acquired taste they’d like to acquire. Besides, what you’re about changes over time. You may be Marmite this week, but chocolate next week—and hardly anybody doesn’t like chocolate.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
What’s this? Why, your normally reserved demeanor flies right out the window when a certain person enters the room! You light up like a Christmas tree, darling, all sparkly and warm—and it’s obvious to everyone who knows you—except this one sweet person (who must be amazing to elicit such an incredible burst of radiance from your shyest depths). That person, delightfully, thinks you’re always this lively and vivacious, so s/he has no idea what a difference s/he makes. S/he deserves to know, already, as much as you deserve to get to shine and embody your best brightest self all the time—something which just might happen once you spill your secret.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Kisses have tremendous power in fairy tales, useful for waking sleeping beauties, poisoning lovers, turning frogs into princes, or invoking powerful magic, both benign and nefarious. All that’s the stuff of glamorous myth, right? Wrong, at least lately: There’s something of that enigmatic enchantment in your very own lips this week, if you’ll but use it. Be careful what you waste your mysterious magnetism on, though. It may be a one-shot deal, and if you blow it on a doughnut instead of the person you want to marry, you’ll be kicking yourself for a hundred years.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You’ve been playing Mother May I with some mysterious authority that you can’t even see, and consequently only taking mincing little baby steps towards your goal. I don’t know what gods or karmic forces you fear angering, and I certainly don’t want to jinx anything for you, but this week you can take at least one giant step forward without getting sent back to the start line. Go ahead, enjoy that humongous leap; you’ve been such a good player so far that this one bold move will be overlooked or forgiven. Besides, you should know by now—it’s almost always easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Stop feeling so trapped. I’m not sure what it is (Job? Relationship? Family?) that’s stifling and oppressing you, but you’re getting a bit ridiculous now. You have more luxury and opportunity than most people in most of the rest of the world in most of the rest of history. When you look at it that way, the lock to the prison holding you in is obvious: your unwillingness to sacrifice some of that luxury, comfort or safety. Get over it. The price you have to pay is more than worth what you’ll get back. Loosen your purse strings, already, and open your arms wide to welcome the bounty you’ll receive in return.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re an acquired taste these days. That’s not a bad thing; much of the best food, music, and people can be described that way. The bad news is that your universal appeal has waned; you’re probably propositioned less than in the old days. But the good news more than makes up for it: the overtures you do receive are consequently more thoughtful, serious, and worthwhile. Entertain them with an open mind and heart. Be proud, sweet Taurus. You’ve become more yourself in less time than even I expected, and that’s never a bad thing.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Back when modern science was in its infancy (it was called “natural philosophy” in those days) they considered mercury, or quicksilver, the stuff from which all matter was made. They also believed that when it hardened, it turned to gold. This week your soul, ruled by the planet Mercury, has some of the qualities once attributed to the substance of the same name. Your ability to profoundly identify with virtually everything you encounter could confound you, if you don’t expect it; or you could revel in it, if you have the presence of mind to notice what a good feeling it is. Yes, everything has its roots in you—just as your roots are nurtured or educated by everything. Once you really, really realize that, you might as well possess your weight in gold; you’ll be just that rich.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’re more shadow than person right now. People are mostly perceiving you in two stark dimensions, instead of grasping and appreciating your full, multidimensional complexity. There’s little you can do about that, unfortunately; you can’t force people to look at you in exactly the way you wish. The best you can do is cut a striking profile in silhouette and hope that it’s enough to hold the interest of these shallow fools, until you fall into a different light and they can see all the Technicolor dimensions of who you really are.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Grin, you silly beast. For the first time since the weather turned brisk, you can stop being crestfallen and cautious, and be contented and courageous instead. The next few weeks, you’re more likely to receive the benefits of the doubt, the better halves of the bargain, and numerous other advantages conferred on you by the kindhearted souls who surround you. You’ve spent a month worrying your fool head off. Now that things are bound to go a little more smoothly for you, stop that shit. Just lie back and enjoy it, and remember: smile.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Eat plenty of fruit. Here’s hoping the physical fiber you take in can help clear up the numerous emotional blockages that are due to come your way this week. So you don’t end up spiritually constipated, I suggest you consume plenty of bran and comedy. Laughter is the bran of the soul; as cheesy as that is, it’s also true. The more deeply and often you can guffaw, the less time you’ll spend feeling numb, in shock, or paralyzed by emotional indecision. Your theme this week is movement, whether it’s your bowels or emotions. Do what it takes to ensure you’re regular.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Amish teens are encouraged to venture out into the world in order to understand what they’re giving up (like drugs, dancing, and television) before they make the conscious choice to join the church and community for life. This period is called Rumspringa. It’s an amazing tactic; as a consequence of being allowed this freedom and choice, Amish children have an amazingly high return rate; more than 80% of them, after tasting the supposed luxuries of the world their community shuns, still decide to return and commit themselves to the simpler life in which they were raised. Before you give up anything this week, or in the weeks to come, make sure you’ve had your own proper Rumspringa, and drunk deeply at the well you’ll be abstaining from. Then make your choice (or not) with a clear conscience, knowing it couldn’t be more conscious.