Local

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

GRAND BLANC, MI—In updates that reportedly were becoming both increasingly frequent and less interesting with every new addition, local woman Kate Morris was now just typing her 4-year-old child’s every word verbatim throughout the day as Facebook posts, sources said Thursday.

CHICAGO—Saying that he alone could determine the legitimacy the woman’s claim, area man Luke Haggerty will be the judge of whether coworker Delia Carroll is actually a true baseball fan, sources confirmed Wednesday.

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he didn’t even have a moment to consider his decision, local man Stephen Ashbury acknowledged to reporters Wednesday that he acted on pure instinct when he stood and watched a robbery occur.

PENSACOLA, FL—With everything becoming more and more clear the deeper she dug, local Oceanside Heights Condominium board member Carl Langford began to suspect Tuesday that a bylaw cover-up might go all the way to Deb.

DES MOINES, IA—Saying he planned to hold off for another 20 or 30 years and then assess where things stand, local man Trevor Russell was reportedly waiting to see how a few more decades of racial violence played out before taking any action, sources confirmed Monday.

SAN JOSE, CA—Searching for affordable items to furnish their modest single-room dwellings, the ‘Dorm Room Essentials’ aisle at a local Target was reportedly being browsed Monday exclusively by 30-year-old men with studio apartments.

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

ALLENTOWN, PA—Recognizing that their child is old enough now to have such an important conversation, local parents Nick and Karen Yates reportedly sat down with their 10-year-old son Nathaniel on Monday to have the ‘Sex, Lies, and Videotape’ talk.

TROY, AL—Explaining that the degree of care with which it must be handled has been steadily decreasing over time, local man Peter Shepard confirmed Monday that his laptop had reached the age where it can be lightly tossed sometimes.

WILDER, KY—Distraught over being separated from his comforting, scaly touch, area woman Anika Mitkin told reporters Saturday that she longed for the caress of her boyfriend’s dry, cracked, bleeding hands.

SUNNYVALE, CA—Expressing their concern at the man’s unsettling behavior, uneasy Internet users reported Saturday that some “total creep” has just been hanging around the Entertainment Weekly website all day long.

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—All semblance of harmony lost in the maelstrom of books, electronics, and random keepsakes that lay before him, local man Ron Beck reportedly became grimly aware of what chaos he had wrought 20 minutes into organizing his bedroom shelves Wednesday.

FULLERTON, CA—Having grown up seeing few characters he could relate to on the big screen, local man Jake Champney, who once jumped a motorcycle onto a hijacked bullet train, told reporters Tuesday that he never thought he’d see the day when Hollywood would tell stories like his.

CINCINNATI—Stunning observers with the reckless and arrogant overextension of their modest business, local restaurant Angelo’s Pizzeria was making a foolhardy attempt at a second location, sources reported Monday.

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Citing the frequent and unnecessary missives sent out at all hours of the day, sources confirmed Friday that the league representative from the company Bakersfield Sportz needed to cool it with all the emails.

HUDSON, NY—Saying he felt compelled to personally respond to the actions of a president he views as vicious and corrupt, local dipshit Scott Rudnick announced Thursday his intention to fight the Trump administration through his art.

Woman Rushed Into Cosmetic Surgery With 8 Glaring Flaws

Surgeons say it was a race against time to make Bishop look more glamorous.

Surgeons say it was a race against time to make Bishop look more glamorous.

ATLANTA—A local woman is in stable condition this morning after undergoing emergency cosmetic surgery to repair eight glaring flaws, doctors at Emory University Midtown Hospital said Wednesday.

Discovered in her apartment by a friend Tuesday evening, the woman, identified as 33-year-old Blair Bishop of Atlanta, was rushed to the hospital with critical aesthetic defects said to require immediate surgical attention.

“Over the course of 14 hours, our team performed a series of vital corrective procedures aimed at treating the patient’s multiple imperfections as quickly as possible,” lead surgeon Dr. Andre Fox told reporters following the arduous operating session, which included an emergency rhinoplasty, a chemical peel, and several urgent nips and tucks. “Despite her dire prognosis upon arrival, her physical features have stabilized, and we expect that once all the swelling goes down, we’ll be able to upgrade her condition.”

“Our hope now is that the cosmetic surgery she has undergone today will give her a shot at one day living a normal life,” he added.

After diagnosing Bishop with numerous flaws, surgeons were reportedly confronted with a race against time as they operated, forced to provide rapid medical interventions to prevent their patient from developing a permanently plain face or figure.

Hospital officials said that in addition to her less-than-ideal breasts, Bishop was found to have a perilously uneven complexion, startling wrinkles near her eyes and mouth, and even slight traces of cellulite around her thighs and midsection—conditions that can rapidly become conspicuous if left untreated.

“We knew right away we had to address her irksome frown lines, as well as the attention-diverting blemishes on her arms, legs, and neck,” said consulting surgeon Dr. Charles Howe, who was called in to the hospital late Tuesday night to assist his colleagues. “But once she was on the operating table, we discovered unsightly bulges on her torso and abdomen, and we knew the situation was far more serious than we had anticipated.”

Observing that Bishop’s plight illustrated many of the problems facing the current health care system, Howe explained that his patient, already in her mid-30s, should have been offered treatment “much, much sooner.”

That lack of preventative care, he said, made it necessary for a team of dermatologists and plastic surgeons to work around the clock, conducting at least 17 separate procedures to lift her brows and eyelids, inject silicon enhancements into her morbidly undersized cheekbones and lips, and complete a high-priority breast augmentation.

After shaving a quarter-inch of cartilage from the bridge of Bishop’s nose at 10:30 this morning, physicians said they were finally able to send her to the recovery room.

“I don’t know what Blair would have done without those doctors,” said Bishop’s friend Amy Levine, who called 911 last night after finding her at home in a thoroughly undesirable physical state. “When I first saw her like that, I was so scared—there was something about her whole body type that just wasn’t working for her, you know? I’m so glad I happened to stop by when I did.”

Doctors confirmed that during the first year of her recovery, Bishop will need to undergo numerous procedures in order to control dangerously garish inconsistencies in her skin tone and texture. Beyond that period, they said, she will require frequent follow-up visits to receive preventative Botox injections.

“She’s not out of the woods yet,” Howe said. “Though Ms. Bishop may learn to manage her debilitating aesthetic shortcomings, she’ll most certainly need to continue having regular cosmetic surgery for the rest of her life.”

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ALLENTOWN, PA—Recognizing that their child is old enough now to have such an important conversation, local parents Nick and Karen Yates reportedly sat down with their 10-year-old son Nathaniel on Monday to have the ‘Sex, Lies, and Videotape’ talk.

TROY, AL—Explaining that the degree of care with which it must be handled has been steadily decreasing over time, local man Peter Shepard confirmed Monday that his laptop had reached the age where it can be lightly tossed sometimes.

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WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

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