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What Next?

Terrence Delaney - Thu, 02/18/2016 - 08:04

A blank page
An open mind
A child at play
In the field of possibilities.

But something lurks
Behind the bushes
Just inside the shadow
And the play stops.

I can write about anything right now, yet every time I start on an idea, my thoughts and the words go skittering off in a different direction. This is one of those times I find out what I'm thinking by writing. I'm trying to be okay with it, looking at all the different fragments as possible beginnings of other blog entries. Yet there's still something I want to say and I'm not finding it...

So the first thing I thought of is emerging from the shadows slowly and saying, “What next?”.

I feel as though I'm finally recovering from the psychotic manic episode I had in May of 2013. It was a humiliating experience and I've struggled with shame ever since. It also took me a few months to emerge from some of the delusions I had during that time. The hyper-emotional swings took longer to subside and then gradually settle into a private hell. The confusion remained.

The black hole at the heart of the shadow is the depression I crashed into after the mania wore off. It is that shadow I feel I am beginning to emerge from. I still am fearful of slipping back into the black hole but I've learned that it takes some effort to stay in a better state of mind. I reassure myself that it is new to be feeling better again and will take some extra effort to stay there. It gets easier.

I've been giving much more thought to that question “What next?”. I feel the importance of maintaining the momentum I've got going. This website is part of that flow and keeping up this blog is the answer to what comes next. Of course there's the “What next after what's next?” kind of question that remains.

I've got some idea of the direction I'm going as the blog progresses. I have some ideas that I first came up with in 2009 but have never really developed. I plan to develop it into a seminar that could be condensed into a speech. I want to advocate for people with mental illness and present ideas for maintaining wellness.

I plan to share some of those ideas in the form of articles on this site as I develop the material for the workshop, but that's in the future. For now, I plan to make a blog entry at least once a week and keep the momentum going.

Comments

Hey Terrence,
I love reading your blog, you are a talented writer in that you keep the reader right in there with you. For me, keeping the momentum going right now seems easy after a 3 year depression. It wasn't easy to get to this point. It took a long long time and it was painful…and I do realize it could happen again, and thats a scary thought. Connection and following my heart seems to be what works best for me. If i make my own decisions, from my gut, then it usually works out. Also acceptance has been a huge blockage and fear remover. I can now accept that I am here now and was there before, I can accept my shadows and just chuckle at the ridiculousness of some of the things I have done and do at times. Humour, thats good medicine….stay well Terrence. :)

Thanks for your kind words, Ivy, and thanks for reading! You've shared some important stuff there. I struggle with practicing some of that - acceptance and humor. I'm glad you've come through that night. Three years is a long time.