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} Another question without a grovel? Where *are* supplicants coming} from these days? Really... Oh, well, I guess I can't expect all of} them to know how to grovel straight out of the womb... [The Oracle} stops and rubs his chin in a pensive manner.] Hmmm... Maybe I'll} have a chat with God and see if we can get some changes put in place} for the next batch. [The Oracle scribbles himself a note on a} yellow sticky and puts it on the fridge.] Now, on with the question!}} Rather a vague one... What *did* you mean? Oooh, I *like* a} challenge!}} Hmmm... Well, since you don't have a sandwich in your hand, I can} assume that you aren't offering me a SPAM sandwich. Although, I} could do with a bite to eat about now... [The Oracle's stomach makes} a rather loud gurgling, growling noise.] Oh, do *excuse* me!}} And since there are no vikings in the vicinity, I'll take it that you} do not wish me to break into my earth-shattering rendition of a Monty} Python sketch. Quite a little number, I might add... Oh, yes, the} question!}} [The Oracle takes a closer look at the supplicant, who is decked out} in a backpack and cycling gear, and finally sees the light.]}} Oh, you must have dyslexia! I'm *terribly* sorry about the mis-} understanding. You can get maps to the temple and its grounds from} the kiosk in the main foyer. I hope you enjoy your visit to the} temple! Oh, and watch out for the timber tossers in the main garden;} I haven't had a chance to subdue them for the day...}} You owe the Oracle a four course lunch and a complete collection of} Monty Python's Flying Circus' works on Laserdisc and CD.

} Though your question's very good,} And doesn't mention chucking wood,} And there weren't any typos in your typing,} I must disappoint you. I} Can only tell you, with a sigh,} That there's NOTHING that will keep Joel Furr from griping.}} He is taking folks to task, me-} Thinks, for sending in an "askme",} When a "tellme"'s what he thinks they ought to do.} (How should *they* know that, Joel? Why kick} Them? These people aren't psychic,} And it isn't mentioned in the F.A.Q.)}} But I think that if we weren't} To restrict this to the current} Source of discord, flames, and penny-ante sniping,} But expanded our scope,} You'd see, yourself (quite soon, I'd hope),} That there's NOTHING that will keep Joel Furr from griping.}} For you'd see that Joel and flaming} Go together. (I'm not claiming} That he's always in the wrong. That said, I *do* wish} He'd spout off less -- he's reli'ble} As Old Faithful. Note the "Bible"} Tzimmis going on right now (soc.culture.jewish).)}} So enjoy his merry volleys} And his jokes on the Cabal he's} In, and maybe buy a T-shirt that he's hyping;} But you'll never stop the Lemur} Guy -- I swear by the Redeemer,} That there's NOTHING that will keep Joel Furr from griping.}} You owe the Oracle a nice, full queue to keep Joel busy.

} Well, it all happened something like this.}} You know how popular the alt.(naughty 's'-word) groups are on Usenet} news? The ones everybody reads but nobody admits to, and the Rural} Majority thinks are an affront to America, Jesus and sliced white} bread? Yeah, those ones. OK, that gives you some background.}} Nobody was really interested in the 'quick' part, but the 'dirty' part} sounded so interesting that everybody went out and bought a copy, took} it home in a brown paper wrapper, and opened it in the back room when} the children were asleep.}} Naturally enough, the results weren't very titillating, but the upright} pillars of the community were too embarrassed to take their purchases} back and demand a real operating system. Millions of copies were sold} world-wide before the true nature of the scam was discovered.}} By that time, it was into revision 3.3 and had its foot firmly planted} in the door. It was no longer remotely 'Q', and to assuage Oral} Roberts (and his brother, Rectal) the 'D' was changed to mean 'Disk'.}} And now -- you know -- the rest of the story.}} You owe the Oracle a copy of Open VMS (har har) for the Pentium.

} To: Gen Colin Powell} From: Usenet Oracle School of Public Speaking} Subject: Lesson Number 3}} Gen. Powell,}} Your choice of "Hello? Can you hear me now?" is a perfectly acceptable} way to start off all of your upcoming public speaking engagements. It} is, of course, much more original than "Can you all hear me in the} back?" However, you may want to consider continuing your search for a} snappy opening line, as your selection is often used in conjunction the} aforementioned opening. I suggest you strive for something more along} the lines of "I haven't seen this many clueless people gathered in one} place since my last appearance before the Senate."}} A few other things you might want to keep in mind-}} Always be sure to begin your speaking engagement with some type of gum} or hard candy in your mouth. If you're feeling particularly candid,} you can stop your speech at about the third sentence, make a great show} of peeling the candy off your tounge, and sticking it to the podium.}} If you have to pause to collect your thoughts during your speech, be} sure to use an appropriate filler, such as "um, "ok", "aaaahhh", or} "you know." This will keep the audience's attention while you} formulate your next sentence.}} Be sure repeat some gesture for emphasis, like moving your hand in a} circle at every pause, or continually checking the corners of your} mouth for that white stuff. Also popular is the nose pull. Use your} thumb and forefinger to not-so-gently pull the tip of your nose.}} And finally, always be sure to mutter and garble at least half of your} speech. That way, your audience will be compelled to come back, to} catch the parts they missed the first time.}} Good Luck!}} You owe The Oracle a pack of Juicy Fruit and "Powell in '96" button.

} The decision was purely economical. While it got very good ratings,} "Desert Storm" was simply too expensive to produce for an extended} period of time, hence its eventual replacement with the long-running} courtroom serial drama science fashion talk adventure sitcom mystery} (in which the murderer is revealed right away, a bold move), "The} Simpson Trial".}} Not only are the ratings high for this one, but it is cheap for the} network to produce: A small ensemble cast (though some are reported to} be rather well paid), very few location shots, and only one camera.} When you add to that the numerous commercial breaks, spinoffs and} cross-pollination, and huge merchandising opporunities, there's no way} to lose.}} You owe the Oracle back royalties for "The Weather".

> Oh marveled Oracle, whose brevity is able to out-brief all others:>> Once, long ago, you proclaimed brevity in the answers to the questions> brought to you. Your orders still to this day denounce the use of> overly long answers. Yet these days answers have been long tirades of> information that mask the true answers to the questions being asked.> Has the great Oracle forgotten that longer is not necessarily better?

} No.}} You owe the Oracle, however, a little leeway in making the fee for} answering this question a little lengthy, if the Oracle should find} it necessary. After all, giving things to Oracles is a long and} distinguished tradition. I remember back in the old days when my} colleague at Delphi conned a certain king of Lydia into giving all} sorts of treasures and wealth in exchange for the wonderfully ambiguous} prophecy, "If you attack Persia, a great empire will be destroyed."} That's classic. Expensive, without being the least bit helpful.} My answers, on the other hand, are an absolute bargain by contrast,} they being both the sort of knowledge that you need to conduct your} mortal existence, and are succint and truthful. If you want brevity,} you have to be willing to pay for it. Most Supplicants seem to be} willing to do so. If you're one of that camp, then I believe we} can do business. Other Supplicans, however, never bother to ever} produce the things which the Oracle demands of them in compensation} for My services. And when this happens it just throws the entire} Oracular system off balance. This, therefore, is why it's necessary} to sit down like this and explain why the Oracle demands the things} that it does. We're not a non-profit institution here, after all.} We have bills to pay, just like anyone else. Oh, sure, I could just} *ZOT* the IRS and the cashier at the WaWa Food Market, but that doesn't} appeal to my acute Oracular sense of justice. There, I've hit the} nail on the head: justice. This is the basis of paying the Oracle.} It's only fair, after all. The barter system seems to work out here} in Indiana, the supplicant probably wasn't doing anything important} with the fair maiden or Schrodinger's Cat or the thousand blonde} jokes anyhow, so everybody's happy. I hope I'm clear on this.

> Oh most great and magnificent Oracle, whose wisdom> shines through the net like a laser through soft> butter, please give me an answer to this question,> which has piqued my curiosity for weeks on end.>> The local water company is re-lining the water pipes> along our street. Before they commenced this> operation, they painted all sorts of markings on> the roadway. There are dashed lines in different> colors (yellow, blue, and green), going hither> and thither, and all the manhole covers are painted> in these same colors. Even more mysterious, in> several places, the following appears (in white> paint):>> ^> |> |> MISS U> SPIN> |> |> V>> At one end of the road, also in white paint, is> the word "LOOP".>> The word "SPIN" is also painted in orange on the> back of the road construction signs, and is> engraved on the steel boilerplates that they use> to cover the pits in the roadway when they aren't> working in them.>> Please tell me, great Oracle: what is the meaning> of these markings?

} Little known to most people, and certainly, dear supplicant, not to} yourself, it seems, the pipes in your area do not need re-lining. In} fact, the water company is not even attempting to re-line them! What} they *are* doing is playing an over-sized board game.}} The different colours are coded to indicate areas within which they} must move, and actions that must be performed when in the area, rather} like the scoring system for Scrabble.}} The game's rules are arcane and obscure, and cannot be understood by} mortals not initiated into the sacred order of The Water Bearer.} However, a simple explanation will probably suffice: the object of} the exercise is to move around the chosen neighbourhood, inflicting as} much inconvenience to the residents as possible. The form of} inconvenience to be inflicted is determined by the predominant colour} of the lines outside their residence. For instance, the poor fools} with a blue dotted line outside their house will have the water} company's hoards trying to give them cold showers for duration of the} game.}} The man-holes serve a similar purpose as do snakes in the common board} game "Snakes and Ladders", except that landing on one is an advantage,} rather than a disadvantage as you might expect. Any participant in} the game who lands on one must enter there, and is allowed free reign} over any water pipes in the immediate vicinity for a period determined} by his or her current ranking in the game.}} The "Miss U Spin" sign that caught your attention is one of the more} interesting aspects to the game. If a player fails to complete an} assignment on a residence (eg. give the residents cold showers), then} that player is deemed to have "missed" their assignment, and must} "spin" the "Stop"/"Slow" sign until someone else fails a mission.} This obviously disadvantages that player, since it prevents them from} scoring any further points during the game. It also explains why the} people on the signs always seem so anxious to get off sign duty.}} I hope that this satiates your curiousity, supplicant, and provides} you with the understanding you will need to endure the next few weeks} of interrupted water supplies.}} You owe the Oracle a can of Coke.

} Ah, I see you're a student of the Joel K. Furr school of Oracularities!} You've been reading his posts on rec.humor.oracle.d, haven't you?}} Joel [bellowing at the top of his lungs^H^H^H^H^H keyboard]:} Don't you *dare* do an "Ask Me"! It shouldn't be allowed!!}} Errant Supplicant [E.S.]: But sir,...}} Joel: !@#$^@% !! Don't "But" me. Don't you hear?? I'm IMPORTANT.} What I say should be LAW. No more "Ask Me"s!}} E.S. : But I didn't have a question to ask, but I felt the divine} inspiration of the Oracle prodding me to help other seekers!}} Joel [taking the Lord's name in vain for the umpteenth time]:} @#$()!% I don't care whose inspiration you felt! You do not} have *my* permission to help anyone. If you want to help, you} must also ask a !@#)^(@$# question! Period.}} E.S.: But what about those times that I've submitted a question and} couldn't answer a question that I got back? If I let it go back} into the queue, it would fill up if no one did "Ask Me's"}} Joel [roaring]: That is NOT ACCEPTABLE. You *must* answer every} question that you get. And do a good job of it. My answers are} always perfect! All my answers make the Oracularities. ONLY} my answers make the Oracularities! *I'm* always perfect!! You} must strive to be like me! !@#$&*%@$ !!}} E.S.: But, sir. My answers as in Incarnation have been in the} Oracularities, too. In fact, one was just in last week...}} Joel: IMPOSSIBLE!! People who do "Ask Me"'s aren't good enough} to make the Oracularities. I say so!! I'm the one who controls} the Oracle. He's but a mere pawn to me. I'm *omniscient*! I'm} *omnipotent*! I'm... I'm omni... uh, I'm *omnivorous*!!}} E.S.: But what about Steve Kinz...}} Joel: Enough!!! You *will* submit a "Tell Me" not an "Ask Me".} I don't want to hear another !$#$&%@ word about it. Just submit} a question and do it NOW!!}} E.S.: Fine. Just fine. Yes, sir. I'll do that...}} E.S. [muttering quietly to himself] : Yes, I'll submit a question} containing the entire contents of Joel's brain! Let's see...}} Mail To: Oracle@cs.indiana.edu} Subject: Tell Me}} [EOB]}} <submit>