Moving away from psychiatric diagnoses, one post at a time

Self sabotage

I’m more than a touch volatile at the moment. One minute I’m fine, the next I want to punch a wall, it’s decidedly unpleasant. I don’t know what’s causing it, there’s no perceptible trigger.
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And even as I wrote that I had a lightbulb moment. I’ve been engaging a lot more with reality. We had paddy’s day which was NUTS. Took the kids to the parade, didn’t feel overwhelmed but realised when I got home that I desperately needed to be alone and as far away from people as possible, so I went for a spin out to the Quiet Man Bridge in Connemara. Sat there for half an hour just looking at the water, felt better, came home. Few drinks with some friends that night, but then Friday was hungover and horrible. Saturday was a friend’s birthday so a gang of us went off out to Máméan for the afternoon. It was amazing. Beautiful landscape, good people, sun – perfect combination. Home for a quick wash and back out to continue the celebrations. Again, great night, but my god did I pay a heavy penance on Sunday, and since then my mood has been all over the place.

I suspect it’s a combination of getting closer to normal living and alcohol. I’m most likely drinking too much. It’s too easy, and I think has become something of a crutch. It sounds like such a cliché, it’s irritating me even to have to write it, but if I have a few drinks, I think less. That said, if I have a few too many drinks, I think more, way more, and I head off into a tailspin that tends to leave a lingering sense of ugh for the following few days.

I’m tired. I haven’t been eating right. Netflix makes staying up too late ridiculously easy. It’s such a simple thing – I know that when I’m tired I don’t function well, and every possible trigger is amplified 100%. Throw a hangover into the mix? I’m shooting myself in the foot before I’ve even gotten out of bed.

I don’t like writing about this. It feels……………….I don’t have an actual word for how it feels. Bleugh. Is that a feeling? I’m less than two weeks from starting with DBT Therapist, the Eden programme has already started. I’m on the way to things being better, properly better. Might be a good plan to stop sabotaging myself.