Chili, Monterey Jack Cheese, OR RATHER THEY WERE THE TOPPINGS WHEN THEY WERE STILL SOLD AT THE RUSTY HAMMER BEFORE THEY CAME UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT IN 2014.

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ATTENTION! THIS REVIEW IS FOR THE RUSTY HAMMER PRE 2014! IT IS CURRENTLY UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT AND THE NEW NACHOS ARE APPARENTLY MUCH BETTER! THEY DON'T EVEN SERVE THESE NACHOS ANYMORE BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE GROSS AS WELL! THIS REVIEW IS FOR HISTORICAL PURPOSES ONLY!

Today we have a very special post from the archives of “Vintage Nachonomics”. What is “Vintage Nachonomics” you ask? You know the warehouse from the end ofRaiders of the Lost Ark? Imagine all those boxes were filled with old nacho reviews from a time before the was a Nachonomics website and that’s the size of our vintage collection. I know, hard to believe, but there was a time when the mere idea of a website about nachos was only a twinkle in my brain, but that didn’t stop me from taking pictures and writing down a few facts about the meals I sampled. While this wasn’t as in depth a review as I would do now these are important, if for nothing other than being a historical document of the early days of the science of nachonomics. Bon appetit!

ASIDE: THIS REVIEW IS FROM A VISIT TO THE RUSTY HAMMER FROM BEFORE IT SWITCHING TO NEW MANAGEMENT IN 2014 AND SHOULD BE VIEWED AS A HISTORICAL DOCUMENT REFLECTING THE RUSTY HAMMER AT THE TIME OF THE VISIT AND NOT IT'S CURRENT INCARNATION.

Basically one of my friends went to Portsmouth and saw on the menu at a place called "The Rusty Hammer" that they had something called "Nuclear Nachos", which frankly on name alone sounds like the greatest meal of nacho ever. So I went there. And they weren't.

ASIDE: THE CURRENT RUSTY HAMMER DOESN'T EVEN SERVE THESE NACHOS ANYMORE, SO YOU CAN'T EVEN GET THEM.

It was just a pile of chips covered in beany cheese glop. Now, I'm not turning up my nose a beany cheese glop, it's a hallmark of nachos, but this stuff was even gloopier than usual. And if you thought using "Nuclear" as the adjective to describe these might have something to do with how spicy they might be, wrong. "Mild Nachos" would probably be the best way to describe these. My next thought was that perhaps they were called that due to Portsmouth's proximity to the Seabrook Station Nuclear Power Plant south of town. It remains a mystery.

ASIDE: I'M SURE THE RUSTY HAMMER THEN, NOR IT UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT NEW, IS NOT RADIOACTIVE IN THE LEAST, THIS COMMENT IS KNOWN AS "HYPERBOLE", AN EXAGGERATED STATEMENT OR CLAIM NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN LITERALLY.

Pretty much just chips and dip if someone spilled the dip on top. If you don't even include a jalapeno on your nachos, don't imply that they might be spicy, let along SUPER spicy. The only thing super about these was how bummer they were.

ASIDE: THESE NACHOS WERE A BUMMER, HOWEVER THE CURRENT NACHOS CREATED UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT ARE APPARENTLY NOT!

There's a place in town called "The Friendly Toast" and I'd bet that if they served nachos those would deliver.

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ATTENTION! AGAIN, THE RUSTY HAMMER IS NOW UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT AND THEIR NACHOS COULD VERY WELL BE THE BEST AROUND, EVEN BETTER THAN THE ONES HYPOTHETICALLY "THE FRIENDLY TOAST" COULD SERVE!

I have a horrifying and shameful secret to reveal: sometimes when I eat spicy food my tum tum hurts. There used to be a time when I was known as “The Cast-Iron Stomach” and could eat a whole platter of Buffalo Calamari with a side of jalapenos any time of day without a second thought, but those days are long over. Now if I want to think about eating nachos after 8 pm I better have some Tums ready because my guts are going to be an acid bath. I thought they’d be ok if I went to The Compass Tavern for lunch, but then I saw their nachos.