The Chaos Index, Week 13: Well, That Was Quick

As Rivalry Weeks go, this one was about as exciting as the rest of the season, meaning not very. We had one great showdown in Columbus, and a bunch of bummers around the rest of the country.

Even the coaching drama that usually spices up December resolved early, with Texas grabbing the brass ring that is Tom Herman and LSU latching onto the booby prize. Yet, there’s hope: there may still be chaos to come in South Bend, North Eugene, and Eastern Tennessee, plus, if you inhale just right, you can smell the imminent return of the Mad Hatter, along with his promise of turmoil, fun, and bizarre clock management.

LSU –Coach Eaux sprayed enough of his I’m-not-as-bad-as-I-looked-in-Oxford pixie dust about B.R. to land his dream job. Here’s the question: Joe Alleva backed off on Herman because he’d have had to compete to land him and settled for a guy with a 10-25 mark as the dude with the official title. Wow.

Texas – That sure was a messed up way to send a beloved coach out. With the Charlie soap opera now officially done with its rather ugly close, Burnt Orange Nation is finally free to swoon over Tom Herman, given his choice of Lone Star and barbecue over Abita and Cajun.

Notre Dame – Oh, and an Irish Nation is currently asking, “What? How did we not get in on the whole Tom Herman thing before it was too late?” particularly now that it looks like Brian Kelly may dump them before they can dump him.

Tennessee – Speaking of dumping, at what point does UT decide that bUTch isn’t getting the job done, and did the clock advance really fast after this week’s debacle? (And yeah, we know all about your injuries, but giving up 600+ yards to an outfit like Vandy is, well, worthy of a big dump.)

Baylor – Think about how Christmassy you’ll be with those six green W’s on your schedule followed by six less festive red L’s, Bears. At least no one can say you weren’t consistent.

Oregon – Dear Chip, We know it’s not really working for you in the League, so please come back. Love, Phil & Everyone In Eugene.

Oregon State – On the other hand, at least the Ducks didn’t celebrate the end of a 4-8 season by sending out an email that included the words “When our football program has a big moment there is a direct impact on every one of our athletic programs,” before asking fans to donate $25,000 in honor of beating another 4-8 team. Party on, Beavs!

Lousiville – We hate to repeat ourselves, but as much as we feel for Lamar Jackson, it’s nice to see Bobby Petrino get at least a little of what he so richly deserves.

Arizona State – Remember when Todd Graham never stayed anywhere for very long because he was always the next hot coaching candidate? Well, after giving up 56 to DickRod’s three-win disaster, you can keep him for as long as you want.

Ole Mess – We had no idea that Chad Kelly was that valuable. Now, we have no idea how far Hugh Freeze’s stock has fallen, but we know one thing: he shoulda grabbed the big money before it went away.

Syracase – At least losing 76-61 in your season finale tells the Orange what they need to work on in the off-season: rebounding, free throw shooting, and interior defense. Jim Boeheim needs to get to work – he’s better than this.

UCLA – While everyone else was enjoying Thanksgiving leftovers, the Bruins were still experiencing Halloween leftovers, specifically, The Night Of The Living Dead. Now, let the purging of the offensive assistants begin.

Virginia – And now, for a Labor Day weekend leftover: say Bronco, how ya feelin’ about leaving Provo now?

Georgia – Remember what we told you about firing the coach who does pretty well, but not great? Do you believe us now, Dawgs? At least you’ll have the kindly people of Baton Rouge to keep you company next year.

San Diego State – Remember when the Aztecs had the longest winning streak in college football and were almost bound for a New Year’s Six bowl? Losing to South Alabama and giving up 63 – yes, we said 63 – to Colorado State put one hell of a damper on that party.

Wyoming – Meanwhile, the other half of the Mountain West Championship Game got slaughtered by New Freaking Mexico, so you know that tens of fans will be feeling the excitement for that “showdown”. (You do have to love the fact that, six days out, the location of the big game is still “TBD”.)

Cincinnati – See the Louisville comment, but without the sympathy for Lamar Jackson.

Michigan State – Sadly, that was an appropriately ugly loss to end a strangely ugly season. If anyone can figure out the way forward in East Lansing, it’s Mark Dantonio, but he’s going to need one hell of a map and guide.

Purdue – Please, please, please hire The Hat. We can only begin to dream of how much fun it would be to have him in a conference with Crazy Jim Harbaugh.