depression setting in, need support to tidy up/regain routine

Have become very depressed again recently and have seen Dr and increased dose of venlafaxine to 225. Split up with DP last week, no DC multiple losses.

All I want to do at the moment is eat (crap), sleep and bury my head in the sand.

Had thoughts of self harm but not done it.

Am living in a complete mess. It now seems overwhelming. It was ok-ish before but has quickly turned to absolute madness. I would die of embarrassment if anyone came in! Dishes unwashed. Bed covers need changed, bottom sheet fallen off to sleeping on bare mattress, food wrappers/plates everywhere. Bins full and need emptied. Washing needs put away.

I don't think the mess is helping my mood as I can't relax. But I have no energy/motivation to do it.

I need hand holding, baby steps and support when I have done little bits. Please no one tell me I am disgusting, I feel horrid enough as it is. I am trying to get myself back on track. Today is an inset day and am back at work tomorrow so need to get sorted today.

It s tempting to just spend today sleeping. I don't want to die, I know things will get better. BUT I would like the world to stop for a bit so I could just crawl away and hide and no one would miss me. If I didn't have the logical side knowing I have felt worse before and I will get better then I could see how I would want to end it. Sometimes I am driving and think "I could just drive in to the sea/that wall" I am not saying I am going to or want to but I do think about it.

Waitrose sounds like a plan! There is one near me. M&S I like too. Ate a bit better today - 3 small meals and fruit for snacks.

Was very busy today which helps. I love my job and I have some good friends there, although I don't see all of them every day sometimes only once a week depending on what I am doing. I often work with a psychiatrist and sometimes I think "God if only you knew what a mess I was!"

Pushed myself to go for a swim after work for 2 reasons - usually would spend evenings with exDP and also thought the exercise might help mood.

Crashed a bit now. I have a research paper to be working on and lots of stuff to sort and tidy but could easily watch apprentice instead!

Having the 5 days off there was absolutely the reason why I felt so much more awful, I need the structure.

Just dawned on me that I didn't think about driving away/in to anything at all today.