PERIOD BARBIE? NOT UNTIL I’VE MET WET DREAM KEN.

Barbie has grown up a bit over the years, of course she’s still glam, blonde and in a state of serious disproportions but it seems the days of beach trips with her buds are long since gone with her step into womanhood. Introducing, Period Barbie.

‘Normal Barbie’, as she has been dubbed, was created by Nikolay Lamm in the hope that the new Lammily doll is a step in the right direction for ‘normalising’ periods for young girls, telling The Huffington Post: “I’ve read horror stories of kids thinking that they were dying during their first period.”

“Parents are also wary of approaching this subject. So I feel Lammily’s ‘Period Party’ can introduce kids to menstruation in a very fun and disarming way, and give parents a very useful tool.”

So little girls everywhere can spend Christmas Eve waiting with bated breath for their newest doll who comes equipped with her very own sanitry towels, a helpful leaflet on the art of menstration and those all important spare knickers incase a leak should occur.

Now I’m all in favour of a ‘normal barbie’, Normal Barbz sounds like a great break for girls bombarded by the media to have a little respite with their frumpy best mate, falling behind on rent this month who didn’t bother with make up this morning because the kids kept her up ALL EFFING NIGHT!

I like the idea of normal barbie, with her muffin top and her frizzy hair, I loveeee that she ate four bagels last night while watching Breaking Bad and traded up her £50 gym membership for a right good knees up down the pub.

This is the Normal Barbie that I had envisaged, it hadn’t even occurred to me that she might bleed because that almost seems TOO normal. It’s true that Normal Barbie does already come with a list of add ons including stretch marks and acne but I’m still not loving the sound of this. As after all, acne isn’t something that you would ‘choose’ to put on your barbie’s face, let alone your own, but as with things like this, we often don’t have a choice.

For me, the idea of her period would be well down there on her list of special features. It is a day feared by all mothers when they ask their little girls what they want to be what they grow up and all they can say is: a wife. But at this rate all our Barbie is here is simply: bleeding. She’s not a doctor AND on her period, she’s not an account ant AND on her period, she’s simply on her period.

It is a terrible thought that girls grow up ‘fearing’ the day they enter womanhood. But it is something that we all have to do, it is indeed the most normal of things, but does Barbie really need to be defined by her cycle?

It’s true that girls often feel uncomfortable talking about the P word in front of blokes, much like we don’t want to tell them about the poo we had this morning or the fact that we haven’t shaved our legs in a month.

Somethings are better left unsaid.

And this is not sexist. Nor is it oppression, because we equally don’t want to hear about scrotums, bellends or hangover shits, it’s all quite private.

The doll is aimed at girls aged 3-6 so I can only hope and assume that the slightly sinister side of this will wash over them and they can instead see the funny side and spend the next 6 years looking forward to the day that they can bleed like their buddy, I do however worry that they’ll be disappointed when they need a hot water bottle and chocolate, and not have a choice in the whereabouts of their spots.

It’s perhaps time also to look at Barbie’s love interest, Ken, who doesn’t seem to have been affected by our ever progressive culture, his battles with blackheads, peach fuzz and a willy that isn’t growing as he’d hoped are seemingly never mentioned.

No Ken is busy saving our poor helpless bleeder from all sorts of situations, he’s busy fighting crime and things, all that other stuff is just background noise!

And so until Ken starts having wet dreams, I’m not sure there’s a call for a Bleeding Barbie.

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CAN I SPEAK TO SOMEONE IN CHARGE?

Written with gumption, fearlessness and sharp wit, Can I Speak to Someone in Charge? is a window into the ridiculous ideologies and the absurd expectations that shape the lives of modern women.

In a series of open letters, Emily Clarkson addresses all manner of subjects, from body hair to Facebook friends to the perils of wearing Lycra. She unpicks the validity of notions such as ‘the thigh gap’; questions the quotidian scrutiny by the media; ponders the etymology of the term ‘plus size’ and considers our unshakeable obsession with dieting, while wondering why some of us are still crying in changing rooms.

Full of vital life lessons, outrageous confessions and poignant reflections, Can I Speak to Someone in Charge? is a love letter to women everywhere; reminding us that being strong, being kind and being yourself is really what ‘normal’ should be.

‘Being asked to write a book was probably the best thing that’s happened to me – up until that point I was gravely concerned that my mum was the only person reading my blog. I hope this book will speak to a range of women, and men actually, I hope it will make people laugh, but more importantly I hope it will open people’s eyes to the fact that we’ve got a lot to do if we want to make growing up in a good and kind world a possibility for our daughters.’ Emily Clarkson