the family

Thursday, October 30, 2008

wwheewww im starting to feel the exhustion of every day life:(. things are just so busy around here and they seem to never stop. for the last 2 days ive had no day nurse and my day today was like this....0600 wake up0620 talk online to harold about 15 minutes0630 wake mikey feed him cereal0645 dress mikey for school0650 dress zach and get his portable oxygen hooked up0655 wake chance, listen to him whine and cry, dress him0710 load everyone in van0715 drop mikey off0725 unload everyone out of van, rehook zach to plug in machine0730 feed chance cereal0740 talk on phone with harold0900 take zach off feeding pump0900 change diaper1000 put zach in exosaucer/swing1100 give zach breathing treatment, diaper change, 3 medications, bath, put him in room for nap1100 listen to chance scream about wanting food1120 when done with zach feed chance1140 try to catch a few minutes tv or computer time1200 forget rest time, gotta make calls to reschedule a therapy for mikey that was suppose to be in austin (are you kidding me....i cant get there with these kids!) after 20 minutes on phone finally get it fixed, made new appointment for in town clinic!1230 started dishwasher, wipped down surfaces, started laundry1pm gave zach 2 meds, new diaper120pm gave chance juice and snack140pm back on phone trying to get flu shots for boys2pm got chance redressed, got zach redressed, new diaper, hooked to portable oxygen220pm headed up to school to get mikey245pm mikey comes out of school3pm go vote330pm stopped and got dinner, too tired to even think about cooking:(4pm started paying bills430pm therapy for zach 1 hour530pm finished paying bills6pm gave zach breathing treatments and 4 medications, diaper change630pm did homework with mikey, looked at report card...not good:(7pm finally done with bills, check email, give boys snack, and their night time meds8pm resting, playing on computer, about to finish laundry and do floors

at 9pm ill give zach more meds, move him to his crib for the night, make sure his feeding bag has enough formula, get boys teeth brushed and in bed, try to watch a lil tv at 10pm the night nurse will come in and i need to run to walmart for bottled water and airborn. ill get to bed around 1130 and start all over tomorrow at 6am.

so yea im tired, and i cant really even get much accomplished! my house isnt dirty, but its cluttered and unorganized, and id love to be able to do more around here, just dont have the energy, i usually only get to eat one time a day, just dont even think about it. some days i have to take zach to his many appointments in temple...30 minutes away, i also have to go here a couple times a month for oxygen and medications from the compound pharmacy.thank goodness gas is going down!

in november im looking at 16 in home therapy appointments for zach, 1"school day" (teacher comes to house with lesson plans) for chance, 1 speech evaluation for mikey, 2 eye appointment for chance and mikey, a pulmonologist appointment for zach, i need to get the flu shot, and mikey the flu mist, still waiting on chance to get the shot, they dont have any in stock, mikey and chance get their behavioral appointments at the hospital, zach sees a ortho doc, and zach gets one year shots and check up as well as rsv shot.

blah! im ready for a break and were only down almost 2 weeks in this deployment.

on a good note, zach rolled over the other day on the couch on his boppy, he didnt make it completely but we helped him, he initiated it and thats great!!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

top picture,my cutie zach in BIG BOY clothes, his nurse alex bought him some outfits for his birthday, pants and shirts, not the onsies we have been using, he looks so much older now. :)

middle pic, my boys in 5t pj's...a bit snug on both mikey (6.5 years) and chance(3.5 years) they are getting so big.

bottom picture Micheal, he recieved his award today for Citizen of the quarter! only one kid from each class got this! we are very proud of him for behaving himself and doing as he should in school. despite the challanges he is facing with written work and reading, he is doing amazing! his teacher this year has been a blessing to us all. were still waiting to get the results back for the dyslexia testing and i got referralls today for a speach evaluation and a hearing test to rule out hearing issues and a possible central auditory processing disorder, i also have an eye exam scheduled for 5th nov. we will figure this out and get him whatever help he needs!

Monday, October 27, 2008

okay its officially hit me, were in a deployment...duh i knew this but i had pretended it was field time....well thats over now, its hit me today! and this for the record feels awful. why today? it could be that i started MPAT (military parents as teachers) program again, where a wonderful lady comes to our home and does lesson plans for the kids, she has been with our family for 3 years, we took a year break due to zach but she has been following our carepage and been a huge support. things have kinda slowed down and we decided to start up again. she came today at 745 armed and ready .....she brought chance and zach some wonderful books, they are for seperation of parents, you can add photos to them and they explain why dad/mom is gone and such. it could be that on the way home from getting mikey from school he asked me if dad was really gonna be gone for his birthday and when i said yes, he asked if it would be awesome if we could erase that memory of him leaving and change it with him coming home. aw that broke my heart! mikey doesnt talk about missing dad to much, never has he is just a distant kiddo, but today, he reached out in his own way. and for whatever reason everytime my phone got a text today i thought it was Harold telling me he was on his way home from work, then it hit me....this happend several times today. im emotionally spent. im tired and i want this year to pass quickly. i cant wrap my mind around the holidays like i should and i really want to. i love christmas, instead i feel empty.

a wonderful friend of mine had her 3rd baby, her first daughter, Sadey today at 8:06am so she is officially 1 year 1 day and 1 minute younger than zach! she is a beauty as well! were so happy that she is here and doing well.

my house needs to be cleaned and i cant think about it, i feel blah! tomorrow i take mikey to get him a hearing test (more than likely just a referral to ENT) and then i will be having lunch with him at school as they announce his name at lunch for being citizen of the quarter! a proud mommy moment!!:)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

well here i am again, its been slightly under 72 hours into this new deployment....man oh man i really shouldnt use hours as a countdown, but sounds much better than saying only 362 more days. sigh. Harold left at 2am on sunday morning we had "family" time from 2am to 330am, sitting in a parking lot, at the van as he held 2 guns and waited to line up and be bussed to a gym where we couldnt go and be processed to board the plane. Zach stayed home with the nurse, it was hard to do, but we dont want to risk him getting sick. mikey and chance were asleep and we loaded them in the van, they slept the whole time, but i did get pics of dad with them and dad kissing them goodbye. ive always heard the deployments get easier as you have more....i must say ITS A LIE! its just as hard this time. im tired, im lonely and not ready to make this my "normal" for the next year. so far we have been blessed with the deployment, its not iraq, or afgan, its safer, and communication is easier. during our first deployment we probably talked 6 times in 7 months and 2 emails. during our second deployment the 11 months he was gone, email was good and instant message was good, but phone calls sucked! so far he called this time from alaska as they waited to be refueled and he IM'd last night and early this morning for a bit. i also recieved a phone call after dinner tonight they havent been long, 10 minutes online and maybe 10 minutes in all with phone calls, but its contact...and ill take it. he should be able to get a phone over there for about 45 bucks a month that will allow him unlimited access to calling home. again....a blessing. the kids miss dad, they are acting out, chance whinny about everything, mikey very emotional and he had rage today, i hope things settle down soon for them. zach however, just as cheery as he can be. when i came home from leaving Harold that morning zach was awake and smiling for me. i held him and just cried, but of course i didnt cry long, who could with that smile. i swear he was trying to hug me, lil guy is so smart. so heres to the next 52 weeks, thats 52 trash days, 52 days of church, 26 grocery shopping trips, 26 pay days....sounds a lil better that way.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

i have this overwhelming feeling of sinking in water, unable to reach the surface, unable to breathe. i can feel my chest tighten, i feel an huge weight on my shoulders. anxiety im sure. is it an anxiety attack? that im unsure of. i just wish there were some way to get to the surface and breathe!

were home, thats a huge relief, and despite what i wrote ^ i am very relieved and happy to have been able to bring zach home after one day in the picu. he seems to be doing fairly well and were so greatful. he has 10 days of antibiotics and on higher amount of oral steriods. zach was becoming quite cranky today, and i discovered why...at 11.5 months old zach has his first tooth that just broke thru the gum line!!! wahoo!! i know this tooth came at the perfect time...Harold's flight for korea just got moved up by 3 days. sure it may not sound like a lot, but when your talking about the 22nd vs the 19th, its so much time, so many memories and moments that wont be made! im mad! im angry! im devastated, and broken hearted, and ,,,gasping for air.

how....

how will life go on...how will i carry the job of two parents for a year, how will i deal with 3 special needs kids, and one who is medically dependent? i want so badly to break down and cry, and i just may, but what good will it do? will it buy me time? no. will it change the outcome? no. im afraid if i do begin to cry i wont be able to stop.

i want so badly to soak up all our time left as a family, instead were stuck with a list of things that still need to be done.

in the next year Harold will miss zachs first birthdayhalloweenthanksgivingchristmasnew years eve (my birthday)new years daychance's birthdayvalentines dayeastermikeys birthdaythe end of schoolthe begining of summerhis birthday4th of julyour 9th wedding ann. the begining of schoolthe first day of Chance's very first school year

he will miss approx. 115 ocupational therapy sessions for zach, countless doctor appointments, hopefully zachs first roll, first crawl, first food by mouth, maybe first steps, first words.

he will miss mikey's test results to learn if he has dyslexia or not. he will miss out on dozens of Wii games with him, hearing all his wild stories.

he will miss Chance growing like a weed, watching him soak up so much and learn so many things.

I will miss laying next to him in bed, gripping cause he left socks on the floor, making dinner and having to reheat it cause he worked late, watching COPS on tv for hours with him, hanging out on the weekend knowing how blessed we are.

im sure ill put up a front and pretend it doesnt bother me as much as it does, stay strong until he is gone, but the future with zach scares me to pieces, and alone at that. mikey's struggles in school i fear will be more so with his dad gone. of course chance's asthma always scares us, he seems to get croup at least1-2 times each season and lands in the ER. im scared, im mad, i miss him already, and he is still home. what will it be like when his closet no longer holds his clothes?(in the past when he went to iraq he didnt take his normal clothes, but for korea he will) the thought is overwhelming to suddenly have him gone...even his items.

i feel like im suffocating, time for some zoloft and some sleep.....

tomorrow is another day, another day as a family together, whole, complete, another day to cherish and store in memory. another day to wake up and say...i love you.

Friday, October 10, 2008

well it appears, unless something changes in the next hour....pray it doesnt...we are on our way outa here!!! his pulmo is confident that zach scared the other docs and he said he told the er doc to give him oral antibiotics and send us home, but the dr was nervous (understandable with zachs history) so anyway zach has been given antibiotics, he is acting normal and we will go home with antibiotics as well. dr said he is pretty certian zach got a virus and the virus caused the congestion and also caused the pink eye. so a decision has been made, the Davis family willnot be trick or treating this year instead the boys will dress up, have a scavenger hunt or game of some sort in the house for candy, maybe bob for apples and stay up late, this was were guarenteed not to catch something from the night air or from the candy (someone could have a virus handing it out)at least the boys are young, all they care about is candy. lol. we will be burrowing up for the winter i do believe and making only necessary trips out with zach. ive also decided to become much more diligent about making sure mikey comes out of school clothes and washes up before he plays, washing hands much more and doing our best to live in a bubble. :) sorry to anyone that this may affect, especially trick or treating, but zachs health has to come first. incase i havent mentioned it lately the PICU at scott and white has been such a blessing, we have amazing doctors here were so lucky to have the compitent team working with zach, the nurses are outstanding, infact last nights nurse, linda was awesome, i was allowed to administer medications, silence the darn alarms, set up his feeding (ended up not being able to use it as they wanted him to be only iv fluids) and we talked and talked, she even brought me a patient mattress instead of the normal hard one that parents sleep on...let me tell ya that was the best PICU nights sleep ever. so i just want to give kudos to our pulmo, our gi, our neuro, our cardi and all the picu nurses here! thank you!!hoping to be home for the holiday weekend very soon. thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

man, zach is sick again!:( he started 2 days ago with a slight red eye, no drainiage or anything and then yesterday was cranky with a temp. today he has been vomiting lots of flem, fever, but not bad, and eye is still red. took him to the local clinic today and as the doc, who had never worked with him before, was examing his ears, he became pissed off and was crying so hard he desatted some, and well the cycle continued until she was very nervous, she then called the ER and sent zach over via ambulance...sigh. once we get there they want to intubate him (insert the breathing tube down his throat and put him on a vent) and why you ask? because he was satting at 73 with basically a blow by on oxygen, i stopped them before they began and asked why he couldnt wear the canula, they put it on him and wham...back up to 96.they took blood, this was another disaster...zach is a hard stick because his veins have all been used sooooo many times, so they get one and it blows and blood goes everywhere, carseat, floor, hands...everywhere and 14 people are racing around to get the blood collected for tests! they ran a RSV test and flu test, took a xray and finally got a working iv that they gave him antibiotic the chest xray showed what looked like pnemonia, and with that we were sent back to the familiar setting of the PICU. zach is resting now, so far what im hearing is he does have congestion on his left upper side of his lungs and pink eye...poor guy. im so upset, this is very well the last weekend harold will be home, we need to do much around the house, finish the fence, clean the garage (catch the new lil mouse i just found in the living room this morning) get things ready for the boys for harold leaving....talking to them,getting harold to make videos for them. i told the doc harold is leaving so if things go well and he feels zach is okay to go home he might let us, he is a very cautious doctor so i know he wont do anything to risk his health...nor would i. pray hard...maybe just maybe we wont spend the whole weekend here! we know with zachs lung conditions the slightest cold could send him back to the hospital, so that considered even though zach is requiring 4x the amount of 2x the amount of o2 than at home, he is satting 99-100 and doing fairly well. pray he continues to only improve! im drained and im just ready to have zach fully well.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Today was zach's 1st, 1st birthday party, 21 days early, just to ensure dad could be here for the party. it was very quiet and very small, but it was an enormous milestone for us. this represents the last 11months 1 week. the whirlwind of our lives, the never knowing what tomorrow would bring, the hoping and praying Zach would be with us one more day, and then one more. the silent prayers before surgery and pleading with God to be with him and bring him back to us. the hours we have logged into the NICU and PICU's the countless elevators taken to see our baby. watching as others go home and begin their journey unsure if we would get that chance. and today, Zachary sat in a highchair for the first time, and we sang happy birthday to him. he didnt know what the deal was, he didnt "get" the cake, or presents, or the celebration, but we did, and we know how lucky we were to not only have dad here to see this but to have Zachary here to celebrate. Zachary's birthday theme was "itsy bitsy spider" his invites had his footprint on them and it said "itsy bitsy is turning 1" its true Zach sure has come a long way from his itsy bitsy 4lb 7ounce 18 inches self. zach now weighs in at 22lbs and 9 ounces and 27 inches long. the party was a lil bittersweet, as said above we are ABOVE greatful and amazed to have Zachary here, but Zach is around 3 months not 1 year, buying gifts for him was hard, he cant push or pull or grab or play with toys, he cant roll over or sit up, he doesnt care for to many clothes, but we did decide on some lovely books, some we plan to read and interact with him with them, and that i think will be a wonderful gift each and every time. our bonding, our sharing, our connection. tomorrow starts another week, one where harold will be headed back to work, the week vacation was nice, but never long enough, and mikey back to school. zach will also be getting back to therapy, he has had 3 days off, its back to the grind! chance seems to be getting ill, i pray its only allergies as he has been sneezy, runny nose, coughing, so we put him back on zyrtec after being off for about a month, he is still on his singular and still on his asthma meds, tonight he said his throat and head hurt, and was slightly warm, so i gave him tylenol and airbourn, hopefully we can knock this out very soon. i have gone over the house, nearly every surface today cleaning and disenfecting, i pray this helps and no one else will get sick, especially zach. heres to a productive week!!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

well im emotional, i think this is a normal thing for most females? ive always worn my heart on my sleeves...not always the best thing, but the only way i know. sometimes i hate my emotions, hate to show them in public for fear of being weak...though i guess at times its good to show this, to show the "human" side of it all, but its something im not comfortable with. as result ive had doors litteraly closed on me by guys walking ahead of me as im carrying a ton of things and they dont bother to hold it open, ive dropped huge items or had to carry heavy things for far distances while people walk right next to me. sometimes at low moments these incidences can leave me in tears, others i brush it off.

but back to the emotions, being an emotional person stressors and anxiety have bothered me a lot, and with the whirlwind of our lives, as i have said i have gone to the "crutches" of medication to help with this. well i recently upped the amount of medication and am hoping this will provide more aid. life is hitting hard, hard enough that times of watching john and kate plus 8 and autism x 6 are still not leaving me feeling like we have it all that much easier than they do, i find people telling us how seeing us with the boys make them feel like they have it easy.....soooo not what you want to hear right? some days a good scream in the pillow would be soooo appropriate!

today im feeling many emotions and things just keep coming. today is oct. 1st, that means at most harold has 3 weeks left here at home before he goes to korea, 3 weeks isnt much time. 3 weeks to spend time with the boys, to memorize their faces, 3 weeks to get projects done at the house, 3 weeks to make videos and tape recordings for the boys, 3 weeks to prepare for a year apart. in this small amount of time we have zachs first birthday party, earlier than his actual birthday, we have a babyshower, we have to get the fence finished at the house, the rooms finished painted, we have to do so much, and still enjoy our time and cherish the moments we do have left. so today it hit me, and i doubt all the medication in the world could have helped with the emotional roller coaster i felt. Then i went to get mikey from school, and his teacher greated me with a smile, mikey had passed his spelling test with a 100!!!! my joy was thru the roof! i was so happy and suprised for my lil boy. then i learn that that was only done orally, done written, he failed miserably:( this sent my heart into my stomach, we work so hard with new techniques at home, we use tacticle learning things, we study and work hard, then his teacher told me, she wants to have him tested for dyslexcia (sp) again my emotions were mixed, on one hand im so greatful to have a teacher who cares and sees his potential, who doesnt just write him off as a bad child unwilling to try, and on the other hand i felt sorrow for mikey, if this is indeed the case its something im sure he will struggle with for a long time and i hate that for him.

so its been a very emotional day, and i fear this is just the begining for at least a month:(

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About Me

hi, im a mom to three wonderful blessings i call my sons. Mikey is almost 9, spunky, sneaky and full of energy oh yea and he has aspegers, and adhd. Chance is almost 6, he is a cuddle bug and a big helper, he is super smart too:) Chance has asthma, allergies and pdd-nos, like his brother he is also on the autisim spectrum. Zachary is our youngest, at 3 years. Zach was born with a rare condtion called congenital diaphramatic hernia and currently has a feeding tube, is oxygen dependent, has brain atrophy, reflux, scoliosis...yadda yadda, he is the happiest baby ever! the boys are all a blessing, and we are lucky to have them:)
im married to my best friend, and high school sweetheart, who is a soldier in the army, we have lived in Germany, and Texas and have endured many seperations to both iraq and korea. i love crafts though im not very inclined to do many, i love reading though i dont get much time, and internet research. i try to remain positive and thankful even on rough days................