PET CENTRAL - Now, I know many of you Neopian Times readers (you're all Neopian
Times readers or you wouldn't be reading this article), when your pet becomes
ill, you hightail it to the Pharmacy and pounce on the medicine that Dr. Gelert
prescribed, and you're done with it. Quite simple if your pet has a cheap and
easy to cure illness, like Fuzzitus. But if your pet is staggering from Achy Head,
it's not likely you'll be able to even find any Magic Goop, let alone have the
money to buy it. (unless you're a Neopets millionaire, but the chances of that
are slim)

Of course, there's always the Healing Springs to try. But after trying for
the 99th time and getting 3 HP worth of healing again and again and again, you're
probably going to abandon that source of medicine. And all this time, your pet
will have been suffering from the dreaded effects of a rare and quite often
painful disease.

That's where I come in! For absolutely no cost but my sanity, I am writing
this article of alternative remedies to the traditional medicine you have always
used. Just follow them and you might wind up with a completely healthy pet for
half the cost or less! Note the word MIGHT.

Warning: These remedies probably won't help in the least, and there's a chance
that the items used might cost more then the actual medicine.

Disease: Neogitus
Traditional Medicine: Medicinal Toothbrush

For the curing of Neogitus, you first obtain a small bucket and fill it with
ice cubes. Wait for the ice to melt into ice water, then take a pot of cold
Mint Tea and mix it into the ice water. If your pet doesn't like Mint Tea, use
Strongberry Tea instead. Take the empty tea cup and have your pet drink the
liquid a cupful at a time at 5 minute intervals. The freezing drink will deflate
your pet's swollen gums, clear up the sore throat that often occurs as a side
effect of Neogitus, and taste good. At least, I hope so, otherwise I'm going
to have to change my identity and live as a Meridell hermit.

Disease: Bloaty Belly
Traditional Medicine: Flat-u-less Tablets

To heal a Bloaty Belly, first journey to The Lost Desert and learn the art
of massage. Then massage your pet's belly while having it drink a glass of Neocola
every hour, on the hour. The gas in your pet's belly will be burped out after
10 hours of massage... hopefully...

Disease: Fuzzitus
Traditional Medicine: Fluff Be Gone

Fuzzitus is relatively easy to cure, with either traditional medicine or alternative
remedies. For this illness, simply buy some Shampoo and a Kougra Scratching
Comb. Shampoo your pet thoroughly, then when it's dry, pick out with the comb
any fluff that hasn't been washed out by the bath. Easy as that, if this actually
works.

Disease: Achy Head
Traditional Medicine: Magic Goop

Agh, the dreaded Achy Head. The traditional medicine's price has skyrocketed
over the years, and it was never really cheap to start with. So my remedy is
worth a try (I suppose). First, go out to the nearest Spooky Food store and
purchase a one-scoop cone of Brain Ice Cream. Then grab a bucket and fill it
with freezing cold water. Have your pet wolf down the ice cream as fast as it
can. Then, as it finishes the last drop of ice cream, snatch the cone and instead
pour the bucket of ice water down your pet's throat. Immediately, your pet will
fall to it's knees with the worst case of brain freeze in Neopian history. Place
your pet's head inside a bowl of Flaming Hot Chilli. Then run far, far away.
Either your pet's head will explode, or it'll be cured. I'm not really sure
which, I got kicked out of medical school. (Don't ask, you don't want to know).

Disease: Shock -A- Lots
Traditional Medicine: Ultra Rubber Gloves

To rid your pet of electric jolts (often induced by chewing on phone cords),
the first step is to buy a Royal Oak Wood Cabinet. Fill the cabinet with Rubber
Ducks. Then stuff your pet inside the cabinet, lock the door, and wait for an
hour (feel free to occupy yourself with snacks during this time). After an hour,
open the cabinet. Since neither wood nor rubber duckies can conduct electricity,
all the volts inside your pet will have exploded into very lovely fireworks
inside the cabinet and be gone forever! (Of course, your pet might turn into
a firework, too...)

Disease: Watery Eyes
Traditional Medicine: Onion Balm

Now, we can't have your pet looking like it's crying for all eternity, can
we? Let me see what I can do. First, I suppose you tie an Onion onto your pet's
nose. For the first two hours or so, your pet's weeping will increase to an
insanely high level, and then your pet's tear ducts will simply implode in upon
themselves. Of course, your pet can never cry again after that, but no one can
say you never tried!

Disease: NeoBlues
Traditional Medicine: Tasty Pie

The process for cheering up your down-in-the-duldrums pet has a very simple
concept. The first thing to do is purchase several Bags of Sugar, five Happy
Neggs, and an extra-freakishly-large size cup of Coffee. Then have your Neopet
wolf down first the Neggs, then immediately after that the Sugar, and finally
the Coffee. (If the pet is so affected by the disease that it refuses to eat,
you may have to resort to threatening it with a force-fed bowl of Spinach for
dinner). As soon as it gulps down the last dregs of Coffee, I suggest you hide.
Hide for a a good hour. After an hour has passed, it should be safe to come
out. Your pet will be lying exhausted somewhere in your house, and you should
put it to bed. With luck (okay, a miracle), it'll wake up happy. Warning: This
remedy should not be attempted by anyone who has any breakable furniture in
their Neohome. Or Petpets.

Disease: Floppy Tongue
Traditional Medicine: Tongue Shrinker

Much as with Swollen Gums, this cure relies on the power of freezing. You're
really going to need your pet to cooperate for this one. (I personally recommend
bribing it). Before you do anything else, book a cottage in Terror Mountain
for, at the minimum, 1 day. Once you and your pet are on the icy mountain, have
your pet lie down in a position that it'll be comfortable in, for this alternate
remedy will take awhile (perhaps you should also bring a cushion). Then stretch
it's tongue to maximum length and place as much of the tongue as you can in
a Pitcher of Water. Do NOT allow your pet to retract it's tongue for any reason.
That means no talking, praise Fyora! As soon as the water has frozen and been
that way for, at the minimum, three hours, break the ice open with a MIGHTY-ROBO
HAMMER!!! Or just a brick. Yeah, a brick might work. Your pet's tongue might
have deflated, or it might have swollen up into a hideous, unrecognizable blob.
Take note the author will not take responsibility if that happens, DON'T HURT
ME!

Disease: Cricky Neck
Traditional Medicine: Neck Brace

This attempt to heal your pet will be messy... VERY messy (and possibly painful.)
Begin with buying a platter of Gooseberry Jelly, and remove the prickly thing
in the middle. (I still don't know if that's edible and I don't want to find
out). Very gently, massage the jelly into your pet's neck, until the skin is
soft and workable. Then, increase the power of your massaging. If you hear bones
creaking, do not be alarmed. Cease massaging as soon as your pet can move it's
head and neck again (or when your hands get all pruny from the jelly). Then
you might want to give your pet a bath, it's got jelly all over its shoulders!

Well, this doctor is checking out of the clinic for this week's issue. Look
for my next Alternate Remedies article, which will contain more interesting
and... creative ways of healing your pet. Until then, I'm going to go wash the
jelly off my hands.

Disclaimer: The author shall not be held responsible for any of these
remedies that do not succeed, and is not willing to pay fines in Rubber Duckies.
THE DUCKIES ARE MINE!

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Stock Up!What are relatively cheap to buy, have a high resale value,
and will work for you no matter what type of Neopian you are, all while you
sit back and relax? Stocks.