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HOLY TITTIES IN BROAD DAYLIGHT! Want to know how to get some of those in your bed?

FIRST OF ALL, DO NOT FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS PROVIDED BY “The Player” via AskMen.com. It is wrong on so many levels, and just plain rapey.

I'm going to recap this horrific piece of journalism, and provide some insight on how a man can maybe consensually stick his penis inside a stripper's vagina.

“The Player” starts with a beautiful piece of prose:

"For most men, bedding a stripper is the ideal fantasy. Most exotic dancers are hot, sexy, and can be real animals in the sack. For these reasons, they have become a most sought after trophy."

The only possible explanation for why The Player got away with using the word 'Trophy' is because this piece was originally written for Hustler in 1986.

"Unlike most women you'd meet in the streets, these particular roses are a little thornier than usual. (CLEVER!) Dating strippers has many complications, the first of which is their volatile backgrounds; the second one is their love and devotion to the Benjamins; the third is their lack of confidence; and the fourth is their constant need for reassurance about their looks and intelligence."

I’m pretty sure he just said that we are insecure in three different ways. Which is making me feel pretty insecure about my ability to interpret cryptic literature…

The Player goes on to discuss "Beauty and the Beast." The first shocking reality about this segment is that he's not referring to himself in relation to the dancers, or the best Disney movie of all time. He's talking about 'classy strippers' vs. ‘crackwhores.’

The second shocking part of this segment is his creative use of language when making this distinction: "On the other side of the dance pole," No one calls it a dance pole. It's a stripper pole. This is a horribly wrong conjunction. Pick another one. DON'T YOU HAVE AN EDITOR? Editor, if you are editing AskMen.com and you don't know that it's called a STRIPPER POLE, have you been fired yet?

Anyway, he says you want to date the 'classy' ones because they are less likely to have STDs.

The Player goes on to ask a thought-provoking question:

"So how do you pick up an exotic dancer without having to leave a line of nose candy for her to follow back to your bachelor pad, and without having to make her car payments and pay her rent, not to mention paying for and helping support that boyfriend and possibly some kids you don't know about?"

It's a tough question. I mean, I've never slept with anyone without starting off by snorting a trail of blow through the forest to my rapist's love-lair. Cocaine is foreplay for us strippers. (Potential suitors must also supply the rolled-up hundy.)

"The following is a step-by-step guide that I've followed for many years now." WITH WHAT SUCCESS, PLAYER? I WANT NUMBERS. I WANT TO SEE THE CONDOMS YOU TRIED TO AVOID USING. I WANT PHOTOS OF US SLEEPING. I WANT THE TOWELS WE RUINED WHILE WIPING OFF OUR MAKEUP.

Step 1: Act like you really want to date her, not just fuck her.

Step 2: Wear nice clothes and don't be fat.

Step 3: "The Money You'll Need."

"Why would you want to give your money to a stripper?"

Um, I don't know dude, maybe because she's working?

"You're a player and you shouldn't be giving in to these tactics."

BOYS - If you have a big crush on your barista, are you going to show up at Starbucks and NOT order a fucking latte? No, you're not. And you're also not going to forget to make sure she's looking when you drop TWO WHOLE DOLLARS into her tip jar.

"Of course, sometimes you need a little cash to get her attention, but that doesn't mean you should be giving it to her."

Show her you're an asshole by demonstrating wealth, but refusing to share any of it!

Step 4: Approach her at the end of the night when she's busiest and most tired.

Oh, Player, you are so very wrong. If you want to date me, show up early when I'm not busy and your cheap ass isn't a complete waste of my *highly*valuable*and*fleeting* time.

If you really want to increase your chances of fucking us, show up on a Tuesday for Happy Hour. Bring snacks, Scrabble, some cash, and forget the cologne.

Step 5: Go for the young girls

YES, THIS ASKMEN.COM ARTICLE IS GETTING RAPEY.

"The longer they have been in the industry, the more corrupt they are."

Wouldn't the corrupt ones be more likely to fuck you? Because 'corrupt' women have loose morals? I think what you meant to say was 'jaded.' But it's cool, your poor word choice is just a drop in the ocean of your slime at this point.

"Two very simple ways to find out how long they've been dancing is by, 1: asking them how long they have been dancing for (GENIUS!), or 2: making friends with the DJ. He knows the entire scoop on all the girls that enter the club.”

THIS SOUNDS RAPEY. YOU SOUND LIKE A STATUTORY RAPIST.

“Make sure you stick to girls that have just started."

I'll say it again:

YOU SOUND LIKE A PEDOPHILE PIMP RAPIST.

Step 6: Try to get her alone

AGAIN, THIS SOUNDS RAPEY:

"When she walks by you, grab her hand, excuse yourself, and ask her name."

In laymen's terms: ASSAULT, APOLOGIZE, & AD-LIB.

"Since you're not paying for her time, the least you can do is offer her a drink when she agrees to sit beside you. Then you can begin your task of intriguing her."

True, men are a task-oriented species. They like mowing the lawn, fixing toilets, and following a step-by-step rape guide.

"Although most strippers look confident on stage, many of them have low self-esteem, require constant reassurance, and are desperate for affection and companionship; if you understand this, you will have an added advantage."

I don't know what this guy's talking about. I find companionship in cocaine, my absent father, and the zoo of stuffed animals I use to decorate my bed spread.

"While most men are complimenting them on their looks, you can compliment their intelligence instead and criticize their looks (in a respectful and constructive manner using negative hits)."

I almost forgot about 'negative hits' until I was reminded of anything any boy ever said to me in high school:

("They Player" offered the following as a sample dialog, although I altered the character names)

"Player": Okay I have to be honest with you. I think you have a nice smile, but I find your hair funny.

Vulnerable Insecure Stripper Slut: What do you mean?

"Player": Well, it kind of looks like a mullet!

Vulnerable Insecure Stripper Slut: You're kidding right?

"Player": No, not really, but hey it's okay, no one's perfect.

"During the entire time you are talking to her, show her that you are a great guy, that you make a decent living, and that you are not desperate."

'Negative hits' are desperate. Strippers can smell this a mile away. Oh wait I forgot you want the young, impressionable amateurs!

NOTE TO ALL MY STRIPPER FRIENDS: EVEN THOUGH SHE IS ANNOYING AS HELL, FIND THE ROOKIE AND PROTECT HER.

Step 7: Close the deal

The Player gives two options:

A. Ask her to an after hours party.

This is an awful idea. We are usually so fucking tired after trying to squeeze quarters out of your tight ass that the last thing we want to do is keep partying. But if you DO have the trail of cocaine that you judged us for enjoying earlier, well, your chances increase significantly. I'll follow a man to any rest stop bathroom if there is promise of an 8 ball!

B. Tell her you want to see her outside of the club, and invite her for lunch on a Monday or Wednesday.

If you want to see me outside of the club, don't think your magic penis and Ed Hardy t-shirt is going to drag me out into daylight on the first try. If you want to score with a stripper, you show up on her turf, again and again. Show her that you're willing to check your coat for three whole dollars, buy overpriced Bud Light, and that you'll keep on doing so til she’s READY.

AND IT AIN’T OVER! The Player has a litany of parting wisdom!

Never give her your number without getting hers. UNRELENTING RAPEY VIBES, AGAIN, PLAYER.

Never approach a stripper when you're drunk. LOL

Never go to a strip club alone. I suggest you bring female friends or, better yet, wing women.If there is a woman who will back up this rapey plan of yours, please introduce me to her so I can give her some reading material and a sisterly bitch-slap.

Always ignore the strippers until you're ready to make your move. RUDE! If we see you ignoring other dancers, we will be put off. Showing active participation in a strip club is attractive and demonstrates that you respect the hustle. (If you don't respect the hustle, you will never get your P in our V's.)

Pay for your drinks with big bills; they usually communicate to the strippers which clients have big bucks. YEP TOTALLY, MY GOLD-DIGGING ASS HATES NICKELS.

Never pay for her time. She knows that the moment you pay for her, it means that you bought her and might no longer respect her. UGHHHHH NOOOOOOOO YOU CHEAP ASS. I WANT TO HIT YOU ON THE NOSE WITH A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER. IF YOU REFUSE TO PAY US WHEN WE ARE WORKING, IT MEANS YOU DON'T RESPECT THE FACT THAT WE ARE WORKING. Please refer back to my Barista example.

This rapey guide wouldn’t be complete without some informative and reassuring ‘statistics’:

“Rejection happens often and here are a few stats to explain why:

90% of strippers never sleep with a man the first night they meet him. CITATION NEEDED.

30% of strippers are lesbians. Probably true, butCITATION NEEDED

70% of strippers never date a man they meet at work.CITATION NEEDED.

60% of strippers have boyfriends. CITATION NEEDED.

All strippers have admitted to cheating on their boyfriends at one time or another. CITATION DEFINITELY NEEDED.

80% of strippers admit to having used controlled substances — cocaine being their number one choice and marijuana coming in at a close second.CITATION NEEDED ESP. SINCE YOU MADE NO MENTION OF ADDERALL, XANAX, CANDY CRUSH OR MDMA.

90% of strippers admit to going on dates with "good clients" with the intention of keeping his gracious business around. When asked how many had sex with said clients (off the record), all admitted they had at one time. SO THERE IS A RECORD! WHERE ARE MY GODDAMN CITATIONS?

All strippers like buff guys who are really handsome. CITATION NEEDED.

"If you date them for any amount of time, don't expect them to quit dancing just because they've begun dating you. If you make such a request, she'll think you're insecure and can't handle her career choice — a real turnoff in the stripper world."