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LONG BLOG

Hello there. Yep, it's that one guy. That one guy who sucks dog dick at being an internet friend. It's him. With sea salt chocolate balls and %5 less scalp hair. Would you like to go on a trip through his head for 15 minutes to a half hour, or however long it takes for you to read this? If so, you really need to manage your time better.

How are you guys? Happy New Years/Birthday/Whatnot. The new site design is bitchin'. I see new regulars around. Welcome aboard and such.

I really suck at this sort of thing.

So Lucy's got some 'splainin to do and it goes without saying that I feel crappy for the radio silence. I have an excuse. Well, not really, but I like to think I do. It's not a good one. But before we get to that though, let's rewind to about 7 months ago, and then we'll get all caught up. Sound good?

Last October, as per my last post, I spearheaded an experimental version of Werewolf. It started out well enough, but slowly degenerated due to the unrefined mechanics, and decreased time allowed between writing the story, going to work, and purchasing my first self-owned vehicle. Though all parties enjoyed themselves, I wish more could be done with it, and an eventual return to the material would fill my heart with what one might describe as "glee", since that's what happened the first time around. The experiment reminded me just how much love I have, not just for creating, but for the participation and immediate feedback of others just as passionate about the material and the process. It's the closest to doing what I've always wanted to do for a very long time.

I had hoped at the time I would be able to chronicle the process through blogs, but as I mentioned, the energy spent there had to be restricted because of other pressing matters. Matters like learning how to not wreck my primary means of transportation:

So that happened. The buying a used motorcycle part, not the wrecking it part. Believe me when I say that I bought it purely out of a practical solution for saving money, and not an impractical means of getting pussy, as others have assumed. When I tell people how much I pay for gas and repairs now, they stop thinking that I'm just full of myself. And honestly, even if I cared about getting pussy with it, I'm still too big of a dork to pull that off. I'm just glad it's doing the things that I got it for, and that I had the help I needed to get there.

Sure, it's not safer than a car. Sure, it's easy to let the adrenaline get the best of you. But I think it's safe to say at this point that I prefer it to driving a car, despite how fucked southern California traffic is on a regular basis. And there's much more potential for aggressive driving in a car than on a motorcycle. On a bike, I don't have time to drive aggressively, because most of my energy is being spent trying not to kill myself. And being afflicted with suicidal ideation when I'm not on my meds, I call that a huge fucking achievement.

It's okay to laugh at that last bit.

All that said, I'm only speaking for myself. There's plenty of misfortune and stupidity out there to go around and be wary of. I'm just saying, I make damn sure not to be party to it when I'm on my bike.

Then winter came around...

And I wanted to hibernate excessively. All the time. Forever. Which sucks if you want to maintain a social life. Luckily, I didn't feel alone, as a good friend of mine shared a mutual story of undue somniferousness.

It's not a new word if you already know what the root of it means. So shush.

I found out the hard way, as a hands-on learner like myself does, that you can overdose vitamin C. It's not fun - kinda like how I overdosed on nicotine earlier in the year. I don't recommend it. Ever. If you're trying to nip that cold before it gets worse, just take your vitamins or suppressants normally and let nature do the rest. Because holy shit heartburn.

Speaking of nicotine, I switched to lights and additional filters, which I'm kind of proud of. Sticking with Luckies because I can't be bothered with anything else. I can only get through half a Malboro or Camel before I give up. I like to think it won't be overlong before I stop altogether. Right now, though, I don't have a good enough reason to. Time will tell...

A couple things had me down during the winter. One was being practically broke the whole fucking time, and by extension, the other was not being able to attend MAGfest, even though I had chipped in for my pass. Same as PAX Prime 2012, I had to humbly give up my seat to another Dtoider.

Which I'm fine with; I'd rather have someone else go than get my money back. But it was kind of a big deal for me. Physically being in the same space with the community is still a big deal to me. I just hated how it felt like I had to start from zero again, for no good reason. I think it was around then that I really fell out of communication.

Just last month I was finally able to make due on my forums secret santa, after lying to him about it getting mixed up in the mail, because I didn't want him to think I skimped out, like some dickhole who takes presents but can't be bothered giving any. Thankfully, he was super Canadian about the whole thing, yet I still have another shipment full of shiny, pointy things that I want to send him.

I knew going in I'd be able to come through, but I didn't expect things to get so rough, out of nowhere. For months, it was a balancing act to keep just ten dollars in my checking, and have enough energy to do ANYthing. After years of giving absolutely not one shit about money, now I'm stressing over it again like everyone else. Took a good goddamn while but I'm finally out of the red, for the time being.

So now it's spring again, and I've peered my head out of my hermit hole to see what's going on out there. Shit is crazy, you guys. Did you know there's a black president of the United States? It's fucked up.

Relevance.

Luckily, I've been doing things to keep my mind off that nonsense. Well I'm about to start a new job in general labor. It pays more and gives more hours than my movie theater gig, which I'm glad I'm finally moving away from. I know for sure now that my place is not in customer service. I'll leave that for the masochists and 20-something students that give less of a fuck about doing their job than I do. The new job is in a machine shop warehouse, which is more up my alley. Hands-on industrial stuff. It at least helps me pretend that I'm helping in keeping the cogs of this country moving, in some utterly miniscule way.

Otherwise, stuff has been pretty status quo. But you probably don't know what the status of my quo is, so I guess a little reintroduction is in order, since it's been so long.

My name's Dan. I go by Nihil on the internet because I'm a unique snowflake that deserves his own online handle. Anonymity has served its purpose for me and I've moved away from that, so it's just a screenname, for the most part. I mean, if you're up for a philosophical discussion or whatever, I'm all for it. Just don't expect me to care too much, 'cause I'm not out to convince anybody of anything. To each their own, and I loathe politics.

A few things I enjoy are; quality television programming, fiction writing, Arizona green tea, horror stories, chess, and stand-up comedy (favorites are Dave Attell and Maria Bamford). I'm also quite fond of comics, D&D, and instrumental music. Fun fact: On my own accord as a kid, I listened to symphonies on the radio. This might explain my inherent affection for big words nobody ever uses in everyday conversation.

I'm 28. I've been playing video games since I was 3, and I've played quite a bit of everything. Because of this, I have an active imagination and I spend a shitload of time there, though I usually just keep that to myself.

Spent my formative years as a latchkey kid in a dysfunctional military family. I self-medicate with cannabis for depression, which may sound like a joke to some, but it's more affordable and effective for me than pills and therapy - both gauntlets I've been through and don't care to retread. I have a thing about my time being wasted (when I'm not the one doing the wasting).

I've been listening to podcasts way more lately. Used to be three or four I subscribed to regularly, but their broken schedules left me wanting. My current rotation includes Girl on Guy, How Did This Get Made, Mental Illness Happy Hour, Idle Thumbs, SModcast, /Filmcast, and a few of your local community pods. Half the time, I listen to them while playing games that don't require my full attention. Other times, I listen when I'm in bed not doing anything or trying to go to sleep.

I don't get out a whole lot. Doesn't feel like I do much of anything, so I'm the least interesting person I know. Not terribly sure how to feel or go about this, since intimacy may become a thing down the line. It probably won't become a thing, though, so I'm not stressing over that too much. I'm stressing more over my fucked up hairline.

Losing your hair sucks, guys. Don't do it.

Lastly, I also sometimes read the Dtoid headlines, blogs, and forums. I just read... Without replying. Why?

Besides not really having a strong opinion on anything, I don't rightly know why. That's what I'm trying to zero-in on right now. It definitely has to do with the extended sleep break I took, but otherwise, I feel like, I dunno. I'm not ingrained anymore, but I suppose that could be easily remedied.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't wanna go through starting over, again, for whatever reason that may pop up next time. But it's not like I'd be starting from scratch - I see you guys fight sometimes and I'm like, "Would it really be worth it if that's gonna happen?" And then I remember a time when that wasn't even a question to be posited, because this was my home. And I'd like it to be my home again.

Things in my waking life are so much better now than when I first arrived here. I was in a pretty dark place for most of the first year. Although initially, I hadn't planned on staying, I realized that interacting with and getting to know people here had become my primary source of joy. So, I opted to go back into the outside world and seek reemployment. You guys are literally the reason why I'm not fucking up my life more than I already have.

And then that bit with my sister last summer... So many people came through for me, when I had reached yet another breaking point. And many of those people are members of this community. I haven't talked to any of you in a long while. So yeah, I feel really shitty about going silent. I don't want to use my illness as an excuse. Maybe I needed a time out, or maybe I was being selfish. Maybe these smelly condoms are expired, I don't know.

In my current headspace, I have choices. For some reason, not being here with you is one of them. I have to say, that shouldn't be a fucking option. I know I'm not obligated to stick around. But I've given up a lot of things over the course of my life, in order to make it easier for me to not care. I don't want this to be one of those things.

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Sorry for the extra step!

About Nihilone of us since 6:11 AM on 12.19.2009

"Nihil" is the pseudonym I use for writing and gaming on the internet. I came across Destructoid by searching for information on Way of the Samurai 3. Tubatic had the most comprehensive coverage on it I'd seen anywhere.

For that, and for leading me to this extraordinary community, I thank him.