I should know by now that, if ShopBop is selling sweatpants, I should let go of my preconceived notions regarding sweatpants.

For example: when I first saw this picture, I thought the model had an unnaturally long torso. Upon further thought, it’s apparent that the model’s torso isn’t unnaturally long; it’s an optical illusion caused by the low-sitting crotch of the pants.

I expected the crotch of the pants to be at a normal level. I expected these sweatpants to not sag in weird places.

Silly me.

Another ridiculous expectation I had: that these pants wouldn’t make the model look like she’s packing heat in her pants. By “packing heat,” I mean: is it just me or does it look like the model’s a dude?

Nope. Not just me.

There’s also the issue of whether or not these sweats can actually be used for, y’know, sweating. Given that the leg holes don’t start until mid-thigh, I can’t imagine that it’d be particularly easy to exercise in these. I’m guessing it’s sort of like watching a teenage boy try to run while he’s sagging.

Which, if you’ve never seen it, is hilarious.

Odds are, someone will respond with, “But they look comfortable.” And yes, they do, in the way that anything non-binding through the waist and thighs is comfortable.

I seriously doubt, though, that these would be comfortable to wear these while exercising. The chafing would be terrible – there’s no fabric on your inner thighs to wick away the moisture, and there’s no exposure to air. You’d end up with this horrible thigh-sauna, except the sauna would be sweat vapor, which sounds wildly unpleasant.

Of course, the biggest (greatest, if you will) expectation I have about sweatpants is that they’ll have a practical use. Since exercise has already been ruled out, the only other option is to wear these inside. No, I’m not even going to count “wear them to run errands” as a possible use. That’s like saying “wear them to ride cotton candy unicorns” – it’s an idea so absurd, I can’t even process it.

So if you do choose to wear these inside – hey, what you do in the privacy of your own home is your business. If you want to look like a) you’re a dude or b) you’re in desperate need of a diaper change, have fun.