12.17.2015

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Are Cats Always Jerks?”

Dear McFartnuggets: Why are all cats always jerks? I mean they go around acting like they’re better than you and they’re not very affectionate. They just have this sense of arrogance and it’s like they enjoy ignoring people. Then even if they do learn to love you a little, what do they do? They show you their b-hole! They put their b-hole right in your face! Who does that? What kind of way of showing affection is that? Could you imagine what it would be like if you did that in a human relationship? What if I went to church right now and just bent over and showed my priest my b-hole? Would that be a good move on my part? Dogs don’t do things like that. When you meet a dog they run up with their tail wagging and start kissing you and acting all happy. They know nothing about you they don’t need to warm up to you they’re ready to love right away for no reason. Meanwhile you meet a cat and it’s asking itself “Who is this fucking loser?” Where do cats get off? Seriously! -- Stevin from Tampa Bay, Florida

Dear Stevin:

Well, when you consider how cats are taken from their mothers at a young age and forced to grow up on their own with random people I think it makes sense. If you want to compare humans and cats, think of how you would feel if that’s how you were brought up. I’m sure you’d be a little reluctant to love right away. You’d have some trust issues there. Maybe cats just have a strong bond with their families and when they’re separated it hurts them more than it does with dogs. Dogs have a similar situation, but their minds work differently. They’ve become the preeminent human pet by kissing ass and loving people no matter what and they know it. It’s in their nature as a survival instinct to latch onto people. Cats have a better chance of surviving on their own or at least they think they do, so they aren’t as quick to love. Oh and showing your butthole to your priest is a horrible idea. Never do that. Especially during mass. Don’t be a masshole.

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