Ideas that have passed through the fire.

Call it the anti-Bible. A consolation of writings for the faithless, the infidel, the unconvinced. I picked up the book because the topic is interesting. I also thought it could be helpful in understanding why some people find faith incredulous or just don’t have an interest in spirituality. With major names ranging from the new atheists to some of the old, the book offers a who’s who of disbelief and logical discourse. I thought it could be interesting to share my initial reactions as I worked through the book, giving my own impressions of the work and offering some comments relating to elements that I find most persuasive/useful, even if one maintains a faith oriented perspective. So begins the journey, like Don Quixote and the windmills. If anything else, it hopefully should be interesting.

My initial impression of Christopher Hitchens is that he is an engaging writer. His metaphors and allusions are quite colorful and his rankor is rich with journalistic wit. I immediately am somewhat perplexed though with the main contention of Hitchen’s rub. He rails on and on about how illogical the Christian faith is, all the while using innumerable allusions, references and parallels to Christian ideas, events and theological descriptions. This is what I find so interesting. If Christianity were as illogical as he claims, such journalistic wit would be wasted, as it would run aground on countless logical dead ends. What I find to be the opposite, is that Hitchens is able to be so engaging and artful BECAUSE OF the fact Christianity is logical and consistent. Someone is overstating the case here, with intricate logical discourse nonetheless. Hitchens may weave a masterful narrative of disbelief but it hinges on the solidity of the logic of Christian discourse. To suggest otherwise seems to render Hitchens style impotent. With every artful pary of the journalistic sword, I become less convinced of its powerful thrust. Time will tell if the rest of the book offers more than this but that is my first impression with the introduction at least.

Over the last several months I’ve been sailing on a sea of emotions. The prospect of having spent a year and half of my time, my family’s time and a lot of money to pursue what I felt God was calling me to do seemed to have all but slipped away. One by one I heard back from Ph D programs I had applied to for the Fall. One by one I was met with a resounding “No. ” Letters, emails, messenger pidgeons….well…maybe not that …but… each form of communication seemed to drive home the exact same point–all my hard work had ultimately resulted in failure. (In other words, I didn’t make it in.) I knew the risks involved. I knew that the odds were long. I took a gamble, and it was beginning to feel like that gamble wasn’t going to pay off. While my fellow classmates, who are promising bright guys making stuff happen, were hearing back and getting really good news, my news was the sound of crickets…reh reh reh reh. Nothing seemed to be coming in. Communication was at a standstill. I was really excited for them, to see what God was going to do in their lives and how their futures were lining up. Still, it was starting to feel like an old familiar feeling…sitting on the sidelines while I watch God put people in the game and I’m stuck riding the bench. I rationalized it a number of ways: it was my GRE scores, I knew I should have studied more (even though it was impossible from time constraints), it was my less than stellar MDIV… I shouldn’t have said anything about it unless they asked (even though all the advice I found said to explain what happened),or, worst of all, “I guess I’m just not cut out for academia afterall.” The painful self-talk was buzzing round my skull like a hornets nest. I prayed, “God, I thought this was where you were leading me, was it just to straighten out my theological hangups and get a better sense of my own approach to Scripture?” (If it was only for that reason, I could be ok with that.) I consoled myself with the fact that even if I didn’t get in anywhere, it was worth it. Samantha and Olive were able to really bond together as mother and daughter and I experienced a lot of healing and confirmation regarding my theological commitments. Also, we had lived in a pretty cool place (even though we now have the bills to show for it). I knew that sometimes when you take risks, they don’t always pan out. (Now, I am of the school, it is better to risk for great rewards than to settle for mediocrity.) That works really well when the risk pays off. However, when it doesn’t, man…it…doesn’t. I began to feel like this was going to be one of those instances. I felt bad for my family. I had put my wife and daughter through this and all we would have to show for it is school loans. I didn’t want them to suffer for me trying to pursue some crazy life purpose or something. I wrote professors trying to get a read on what may have gone wrong with my application. I talked to friends and thanked them for their encouragement throughout my time of disillusionment. It was beginning to look like I needed to figure something else out and move on with my life. I had heard back from eight of the nine schools I had applied to and spent over a thousand dollars in application fees alone. Other folks who had received an offer, were contacted months ago. It seemed I was just waiting for the rejection letter in the mail.

I spent time with the Lord and worked it out, coming to the conclusion that even if I didn’t go the Ph D route and try to teach, God would lead me into something great because life is more about who I am than what I do. In many ways, I’ve been stretched tremendously over the past few years in learning to process my failures with God, having him walk me through those experiences rather than getting angry with him. It has been a tough life lesson but one I am reluctantly learning…kicking and screaming at times -like a fussy little toddler. So, imagine my surprise, when I woke up a few weeks ago to see an email in my phone marked “theology decision.” I took a deep breath preparing myself for what seemed to be the last nail in the coffin. I scanned it briefly glossing over the perfunctory cordial introduction and immediately looking for the “regret to inform you” or “decided not” at the end of the paragraph. However, something unexpected happened. I caught, ever so briefly, out of the corner of my eye, just for a second, the word “accept,” which caught me off guard. I quickly scanned the entire email at that point and read what seemed to be an unbelievable truth….I GOT IN. Not only that, I was offered a teaching assistantship covering full tuition and a stipend. It was EXACTLY what we needed to pull it off. Even if I got into a program, the money thing was a big issue. I had expected to get in somewhere and not have funding, which would mean I’d have to agonizingly table the whole pursuit of Ph D studies. When not even that was happening, I had begun to lose hope. I walked in to the kitchen and read the email to my Dad. He was shocked, as was I and we shared a celebratory high five. I really couldn’t believe it. It seemed against all odds. I had beat myself up over it and resigned myself to defeat. What a difference a day can make. God proved faithful in a way I hadn’t quite expected. I felt the weight of my entire year’s worth of effort come rushing in and lift me up like a strong breeze under eagle’s wings. The Lord had provided and I was there to bear witness to it. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it. It seems so unbelievable. I share this in the hopes that, for some of us when the risk was taken and the payout didn’t come, there was some value in taking that step. No matter the results. I felt those emotions. I also have known failure. I believe when God is in our lives, we may experience hardship, but we also can experience victories. God is in the midst of those things guiding us through the muck, helping us process when things don’t work out and patting us on the back when we experience a windfall. The journey is whats important and for that I am thankful. Don’t let a minor setback derail your journey. Who knows what lies ahead. You just may find yourself stumbling across the path to something great.