Feeling Anxious & My Review of On Edge: A Journey Through Anxiety

I had my first panic attack in graduate school at the age of 29. I’m not exactly sure what triggered it but it was probably a combination of being under a lot of stress as I was working on my master’s thesis, not getting much sleep, and drinking too much caffeine.

The morning of my episode, I began experiencing vision problems, my heart was racing, my hands started tingling and then went numb, I kind of felt like I was in a cloud, and I just kept thinking that something terrible was about to happen and I was going to die. I texted Nick to tell him that something was wrong and that I loved him. Then I broke down in uncontrollable sobs right before my friend and I were supposed to conduct an interview for one of our classes and my friend, Aarti — who was absolutely amazing through the whole ordeal — kept me calm and drove me to student health. She helped me sign in and waited with me the whole time. Aarti, you’re truly the best!

When the student health doc couldn’t find anything physically wrong with me, she said, “Sometimes we think we feel things and that causes us to panic.” And that’s when I knew I had just experienced a panic attack. I looked up the symptoms and sure enough, it was text book. I also knew that some of my family members had similar experiences and were actually diagnosed with general anxiety disorder (GAD). I had a few more panic attacks after that but, because I knew what was happening, I was able to make it through them without incident.

After I experienced a postpartum heart attack, my anxiety skyrocketed. Every little pain, every twinge, every time I felt lightheaded, every time I felt even slightly “off,” sent me into panic mode. I was constantly talking myself off the ledge. It took me about two weeks to realize that my medication dosage was too high, which causing a lot of unpleasant symptoms, and once my doctor lowered the dose, I felt much better. I also started seeing a therapist who has been a tremendous help. She taught me to use grounding techniques – small activities incorporating the five senses that bring your focus back to the present — which have been a life changer! I still have panicked moments where I start to feel anxious, nervous, or scared for no logical reason but they do happen less frequently. And when they do happen, I resort to one of my grounding techniques and I am able to remain fairly calm until the moment passes.

I began to wonder if I’ll ever feel “normal” again, or if I was really going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. In search of more resources to help me cope, I came across the book On Edge: A Journey Through Anxiety by Wall Street Journal reporter Andrea Petersen. I just finished it and I feel like it has really put a lot of things into perspective.

While I was expecting a memoir with some stats sprinkled in, this book was actually kind of the opposite. Petersen does weave her personal history with anxiety into the facts and stats, but I felt like the majority of the book discussed anxiety history, research, and treatment. I was a psych major in college, I’ve already read that text book. Nonetheless,it’s still a good read. Sprinkling in her experiences as examples made the material more tolerable and you find yourself really relating to her, especially if you also suffer from an anxiety disorder. Her experiences helped to put things into perspective for me. Strangely, it makes me feel better that we share a lot of the same triggers (anything health-related) but that she also has triggers that I thankfully do not have, like driving on highways. My therapist is glad that the book resonated with me and that I was able to use it to examine the anxiety in my own life.

Petersen does a good job of covering the history of anxiety, including old and new research, as well as old and new treatments. She highlights studies that show how anxiety could be genetic, how it affects children, and she shares her personal stories of her family’s genetics and childhood anxiety. She also dives into the topic of current treatments that include everything from talk therapy, exposure therapy, and of course, good ol’ medications.

Confession: my therapist has talked to me about taking meds for my anxiety and I was teetering on the fence. I don’t particularly want to take medication but I will if it’s the only thing that will help. I would use it as a last resort. BUT, after reading about Petersen’s experiences with side effects of the different meds she tried, I don’t think I’m interested in taking them. Especially after the side effects I dealt with from my heart meds; I think I’d rather feel anxious. But I’m really interested to hear others’ experiences with anxiety and medications.

If you’re suffering from anxiety, want to know more about the history and existence of anxiety, or if you just want to take a look inside the mind of an anxious person, then I would recommend this book. It might change your understanding of the illness and make you a little kinder to yourself and/or more understanding of others who experience it.

I have a Master of Public Health (MPH) degree with a concentration in health behavior, a B.A. in Psychology, and a minor in Hispanic Studies. I work in the fundraising department of a women’s health nonprofit. Among other things, I’m a wife, a new mother, a furbaby mommy, a sushi eater, a coffee drinker, a wine lover, and a reproductive rights warrior.

How scary that heart attack must have been. I can totally understand why you feel on edge so often. I really appreciate your acknowledgement that while meds are not ideal and a last resort, they can sometimes be useful. I hope that you’ll continue to manage without them though! Wishing you all the best!

Mary Leigh, it was a scary experience for sure. I’m going to hold off on medications for as long as I possibly can. Right now I feel strong enough to cope on my own, but I know that’s also because my anxiety symptoms are much more mild that what others might experience, and for that I’m eternally grateful. So far so good, though! Thanks for the well wishes

Nikki, thank you so much for sharing your story. Having a heart attack must have been the most frightening thing. And of course, any slight possible symptom is going to cause anxiety now. I have a long history of Bipolar Disorder and anxiety which I have managed to controlled through years of therapy and self-analysis. I have learned what my triggers are and how to deal with them through similar grounding techniques that you have mentioned. I hated being medicated as the meds turned me into a complete shell of person. I have been medication free for a decade now and life couldn’t be better. I learned for me when I feel panic set in that I just need to give into it and let it have its moment. Because the harder I would resist it, the more power I gave it. Now when I feel anxiety set in, I just recognize it for what it is and I talk to it…letting it know it may take over but it only has 5 minutes. That’s all I will allow it. And within 5 minutes it almost always passes. I have written a lot of blog posts myself about mental health issues and ways that I have learned to cope and how I have come out to the other side of it a healthier, happier person. For now, keep talking about it…without shame…and you will find so many people with similar sufferings who will surround you with so much love and support! You’ve got this.

Shelbee, I’m so glad to hear you’re able to control your bipolar disorder and anxiety through therapy. That definitely gives me hope. And I’m afraid that medications will have the same effect on me as you describe; when the doctor said that some people report not feeling anything at all (just completely numbness), that scared me more than anything. I couldn’t imagine that. So knowing that you were able to do it is fantastic. And I totally know what you mean about recognizing the anxiety and letting it run it’s course. That’s what I’ve slowly starting to do, especially while at work, and it seems to help a lot. I’m so glad you shared your experiences and are along on this journey with me! It’s so good knowing I don’t have to go through these things alone. <3 <3 <3