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Breaking: The Spectator’s Underground Child Sweatshop Exposed

SEATTLE, WA — Late Thursday night, Seattle University Public Safety officers discovered a warehouse underneath The Spectator’s office, housing hundreds of kindergartners. After further investigation it was found that the children were being forced to write articles for The Spectator. “It explains a lot. It explains the poor quality of the paper, and it explains how they have been able to stay afloat for so long” said chief of safety Chet Sampson. It seems that Father Sundborg was also in on the sweatshop, as the children claimed they were required to make gallons of Sorghum syrup on the weekend for the President’s pancakes. The children have all been sent home and it is unclear if The Spectator will be able to bounce back from such a scandal. We can only hope the fine institution will be back to producing groundbreaking journalism as soon as possible.