Fight Night 62 was one of those cards that, while appearing just abysmal on paper, actually turned out to be a rather entertaining affair. I mean, sure, the main card broadcast dragged along at it’s typical sloth-like pace — something that the UFC desperately needs to change but sadly never will — and the main event wasn’t exactly the kind of barnburner we’ve come to expect from a Demian Maia fight (sarcasm), but Fight Night 62 more than made up for its lack of name power with exciting finishes. It was also a card that signaled the (competitive) end of at least two MMA careers and the possible resurgence of another, so join us after the jump for a full breakdown of what went down in Rio over the weekend.

It’s hard to believe that a night which saw five fighters finished inside of three minutes could feature so many late stoppages, but such is the incompetency of the modern MMA referee (second only to that of, you guessed it, Frank Stallone the MMA judge). Without using too much hyperbole, I feel comfortable saying that UFC 184 was the biggest reffing travesty since the 2007 NBA Betting Scandal, and maybe of all time. And with that, let’s take a look at just how bad the ball was dropped over the course of the night.

As Michael Bisping might say, Cat Zingano didn’t last as long as a virgin on prom night in her long-awaited title bid against Ronda Rousey last weekend, succumbing to an armbar in just 14 seconds of their UFC 184 main event tilt. “Alpha” let her emotions get the best of her, both in the fight itself and in her post-fight interview, and it cost her big time. My heart breaks for the poor woman.

Aside from it’s lightning-quick main event, UFC 184 also saw Josh Koscheck and Mark Munoz get choked within an inch of their lives, Holly Holm pick apart Raquel Pennington (sort of), and Alan Jouban announce his arrival to the welterweight division with a vicious standing hellbow. Join us after the jump for all the highlights from UFC 184, most of which totally aren’t in the form of illegal gifs. (*removes sunglasses*) (*winks*)

(Looks like Andy Serkis just found himself out of a job for the Lord of the Rings reboot. Props: r/MMA)

If you’ve been watching the excellent UFC 184 Embedded series thus far, chances are that you’ve been thoroughly entertained by the-GOOD GOD WHAT IS THAT THING BEFORE ME.

Captured by r/MMA user lrkr486, the Gollum-esque looking creature pictured above is apparently Expendables star Mickey Rourke, who we can assure you definitely isn’t, as one commenter suggested, “on the heels of a three week crack binge.” It’s more like an eight to ten week binge for sure.

Rourke told the cameras in episode 2 of Embedded that he met Ellenberger while training for a fight in Russia (which, LOL) around the same time Jake was training for a fight of his own, and the two have become buddies in the time since. That being the case, perhaps now’s the time for Ellenberger to gather Rourke’s other closest friends around and hold an intervention for whatever the Hell is happening to

After the Jump: The first 3 episodes of UFC Embedded, via the UFC’s Youtube channel.

(I really have no caption for this, but would just like to say that Richard Kiel is a legend. Via Kos’ instagram.)

While admittedly not much of a Josh Koscheck fan over the years (my uncle is a male nurse, bro), even I scratched my head when it was announced that he would return from a 15-month layoff to face Neil Magny at UFC 184. Being that one of them is riding a three fight skid and the other just tied the record for most consecutive wins in a year, it seemed unusual and a bit cruel that Koscheck was essentially being used as a stepping stone in what could very well be the final performance of his storied UFC career*.

Thankfully, it appears the UFC has come to its senses and decided to place Kos against a similarly struggling (and therefore more appropriate) opponent: Jake Ellenberger. Having also dropped his past three, Ellenberger is practically Koscheck’s doppelganger in the welterweight division — an aging wrestler with heavy hands who has seemingly been surpassed by the “new breed” of martial artists in recent years — albeit a much nicer one to be around.

Koscheck is on the heels of back-to-back KO losses (to Robbie Lawler and Tyron Woodley, respectfully), whereas Ellenberger’s most recent loss to Kelvin Gastelum at UFC 180 was his first to come by submission since 2007. Methinks we’re going to be in for a good old fashioned slugfest here, or possibly three rounds of methodically paced wall-n-stall. Either or.

Josh Koscheck will look to avoid being a stepping-stone for the rising Neil Magny when both welterweights collide at UFC 184, according to MMA Junkie.

The Fresno-based fighter, who began a stint as an analyst on FOX Sports 1 and gave our children nightmares on the first day of the job, will be returning from a year of inactivity and mumblings of retirement based on remarks made by Dana White after the former welterweight title challenger was knocked out by Tyron Woodley at UFC 167. It was his second back-to-back knockout loss, falling at the hands of Robbie Lawler before that at UFC 157 back in February 2013. “Kos” is in dire need of a win if he wants to resume fighting, riding a three-fight losing streak. If he topples his opponent in Los Angeles, Calif., it would be his first victory in two years.

They say pimping ain’t easy, and that’s probably true for promoting too. (There’s a whole host of other uncomfortable comparisons to be made between the two professions as well.) Pimping is probably a lot harder when you constantly denigrate your talent. “Yeah, Mary? She makes a weird squealing noise when you bang her. But hey, it’s your money.” Yet, that’s exactly what UFC president Dana White does. Here are the top ten instances of Dana White burying his own fighters.

Kenny Florian and Nate Marquardt are two very different people. Where Florian is a suave, dark-haired Massachusetts lifer, Marquardt is a ginger mountain man who made sure to list himself first and foremost as a Christian on his Twitter bio. They have one thing in common though: Dana White called them both chokers.

Nate Marquardt lost a close fight to Yushin Okami at UFC 122. Okami was 9-2 in the UFC heading into the fight, and would go on to fight Anderson Silva for the title in his next appearance. That didn’t stop Dana White from calling Marquardt a choker and blasting the Greg Jackson-led corner (more on him in a bit!) for telling Marquardt he was leading on points.

As for Florian, White said he didn’t want to “take anything away from Gray Maynard” and wasn’t “bad-mouthing” or “trying to disrespect” Florian after UFC 118. But that’s exactly what he did when he said Florian “chokes in big fights” before reducing his performance to standing and staring at Maynard. Florian’s five UFC losses came to Diego Sanchez, Sean Sherk, B.J. Penn, Maynard, and Jose Aldo — all champions or title challengers. Maybe, just maybe, the overachieving Florian just wasn’t on their level?

(We’d include “The Dana White 24/7 feed — all Dana White, all the time,” but that’s kind of what the UFC is already. / Photo via Getty.)

If the UFC expects us to shell out $10 every month to watch local talent and foreign-language reality shows on the Internet, they’ve got another thing coming. Here are some suggestions for new Fight Pass content that would actually make the digital streaming service worth our time and money…

1. Live footage of fighter weight cuts (i.e., “sauna-cam”/”salt bath-cam”). Who wouldn’t want to see how brutal these things can get?