Life as it comes

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This year has been the worst- although i had some great times in the year…overal, in comparison- its the worst.

I turned in my Nursing application (yay).

I was forced to meet death, and alot of emotions/thoughts came from that.

I met someone amazing and within a year I found utter heartbreak.

All of the sudden the pain that nursing school caused was NOTHING compared to loosing my Mom and the boy I thought was going to marry.

I see it very clearly- I can simply reapply to nursing school and get on with it.

I wont see my Mom again except in my dreams (which I seldom have now), and my life suddenly isnt whati thought it would be.

This post has been saved in my drafts for months and its February and I’m finally finishing it up.

On August 17th, 2017 @ 0105 my Mom exhaled for the last time.

She was surrounded by those that she loved most. She was able to see all of her siblings *who travelled from far away places*.

She left us peacefully and that gives me comfort.

She recognized me a day before and smiled- everytime I remember he face i tear up.

I miss her far so much words cannot describe.

August 25, 2017 my boyfriend proposed.

September 4, 2017 I was heartbroken.

November 9th I was single again.

December 15…decided to give it another try, but I’m not engaged and dont plan on it anytime soon.

I dont like having regrets and I was very depressed and lonely when I decided that I wanted him back. It wasn’t magical like I thought it would be….but were working on it with no strings attached. Theres broken trust that needs to be repair.

I’m not so worried about my relationship. If it works it works- #NuffSaid

I am worried abouy my well being. Sometimes I am so unstable. I freak out and cant breathe. I start hyperventilating….never had I gome through something like that.

I’m focusing on my family and friends. Im workimg hard to save $ and am patiently waiting to get back to school 🙂

I’d been sad almost everyday untill January where I decided thar I am the only one that can choose happiness. Thats when i decided to not worry abouy my relationship (as much as i did), I’m just doing the best I can with my family and ever since changing my attitude I am more optimistic about my future.

Guys, I overreacted. I’m laughing about the whole thing now. I miscalculated and freaked my self out for almost an entire day.
Everything will be okay =)
I don’t need to get an A on the final to pass the test, HOWEVER, that does not mean I will take it easy. I’m still going to super study and aim for that 100%. I just wont be anxious and psycho about the whole thing.

I messed up todays test. I really messed up. I have been doing so well, like incredibly well compared to other semesters. I practically need to get a 100% on my final, that is how bad I messed up. Well, that is my goal at least, I will aim for a 100% so if I get something lower I will still pass the class. I just screwed up and I have that gut drop feeling. I am on the verge of tears. I haven’t cried, but I’m sure I will when I tell my parents. I’m so disappointed in my score today and my parents will be disappointed too. I am sad, but I will stay optimistic. I will get a 100% on my Final =)

I’ve made arrangements, I canceled my Wednesday and Thursday meetings. I will study and do the best I can because when its over I want to be able to say that I gave it my all.

I have 6 weeks of school left. I’m getting closer each day. I can’t believe I will be graduating in May! *if everything goes right* So far I haven’t failed an exam. I passed OB with a B and now I am doing very well in PEDs. Community is slightly boring, but I’m hanging in there. It definitely gets easier, although the overwhelming stress factor never leaves…I have learned to live with it.

I did it people, I passed OB. I got an 87% in the class. It’s a solid B. I am quite pleased with myself. Overall this week has been hectic. To simplify things I’ve got a sister who is finally moving out, my windshield broke as I left from my final yesterday and I’m just going with the flow. I’ve got great parents though. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without their support (financially and emotionally). Now, I enter Fall break (Saturday, Sunday, Monday & Tuesday *I KNOW*) and I plan to study my brains out. I also have to attend weddings. Ah October…How I love you.
Well, time to study because I have to be ready for Peds.

I love babies and I love to see their parents all excited over them . I enjoy their happiness. However, I do NOT want to be a labor and delivery nurse. Most times its happy and babies are adorable, BUT the sad situations overshadow those happy moments.

I had to see a newborn baby go through opiod withdrawals. It’s pretty much the saddest thing I have ever seen. The baby couldn’t have been more than 12 hrs old and he doesn’t have a family to keep him safe. He was so small and so alone.

However, I haven’t cried…when I am about to explode with emotion (or whatever it is inside of me) I simply stop thinking. It works wonders =) I already finished 2 assignments. I have 4 more to go. I could be finishing up one now, but SimChart (Student Nurse Charting website) is acting up & it wont open up my assignment (of course…how did I not see this coming?).

HOWEVER, I will remain calm. I will remain sane. I wont make frustrating noises. I will not smash my computer, and I will take deep breaths (currently doing so while I am writing this up). I will start my care plan and then I will begin to study for the 2 exams that are coming up…
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At least I am not the only one stressing about these issues, you know? I have my entire cohort suffering right along with me (I see their FB posts ), and it may sound a bit mean, but it strangely brings me comfort. There is nothing like your Nursing group- we definitely stick together. All joking aside, I do like this group.

Besides Nursing School, I have a Church calling (which I LOVE) but I am seriously falling behind on what I need to do. I hate that. This week I will sleep very little & catch up on many things.