Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Out of the blue about 3 weeks ago, I heard about this conference that was in my area. I didn't even have to read about it when I saw who the speakers were going to be, I knew I MUST GO! Of course the tickets were sold out and had been for a long time, but still....I contacted the people in charge, put my request on social media and inquired. NO LUCK! :( About a week later, I received a message that a ticket had become available. I said YES and purchased it right away. This past weekend was Hope Spoken, and it was more amazing than I thought. I drove the 30 mile jaunt back and forth for 3 days, all alone. Each day, I was more blessed than the one before. I met the most amazing women and heard the most amazing testimonies....some were really intense, and some were not; but all of them touched my life. NPayne asked me the first day....so you're going to this alone? I said, yes...and I think it will be good for me to go alone; and it was sooooo good. I have been struggling for a while with contentment, and I have been asking Jesus to help me figure out a way to find it again. I feel like a person walking around in someone else's body, because I haven't felt like I am where I am suppose to be. As a young adult...I had flowery dreams of living in the country, driving an old pick-up truck, farming my land, with a bunch of kids around me, living the simple life. The husband....well I didn't really want one of those. How I was going to get the kids was a detail I would figure out later. ;) God had other plans for me, and I happened to meet the most amazing man and let him sweep me off my feet....kicking and screaming a little at first....but soon I was completely his. I don't live in the country, but right in the middle of the city....a very busy city. I don't drive an old pick-up truck, but my suburban is almost 14 years old. I don't farm my own land, but we do have 7 hens and are planning a garden soon. I do, however, have a bunch of kids....at least to some people 5 is a bunch....AND I figured out how to get those kids! ;) I still long for a simpler way of life, and it isn't what I dreamed it would be; but it is better. God, I'm sorry I fight you so hard....your ways are best!

Thursday, March 26, 2015

I have a great eye for detail, but I'm only detail oriented about things that I find interesting.
I love projects, but I'm usually too overwhelmed with the project to get started.
I am surrounded by people, but I usually feel very alone.
I am very organized, but I'm not easily motivated.
I am confident, but I'm very insecure.
I'm very creative, but I'm not trendy.
I love my house in the city, but I'm not a city girl.
I am the mother of five, but I'm not good at multi-tasking.
I am easily restless, but I'm never bored.
I am a rule follower, but I love exceptions.
I am a planner, but I don't usually have a plan.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

We went shopping yesterday and found Addi's prom dress. She tried on a few, and she liked several. When she put on the one we bought, I saw how much she loved it in her face. She is going to look so pretty that night. Time is ticking....she's almost finished with high school. This young lady has made such an impact on the lives of so many, and I cannot wait to see what her future holds. She shines brightly....oh so brightly!

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Contentment is the acknowledgement and satisfaction of reaching capacity. The level of capacity reached may be sought after, expected, desired, or simply predetermined as the level in which provides contentment. Contentment may be considered as synonymous with happiness but is more basic or prior to happiness that can be derived from outer achievement or self-improvement.

For this reason, colloquially, contentment is simply a way of accepting one's life state and being grateful or happy with it. Many see contentment as an attitude towards situations. It may even be argued that this attitude of contentment leads to more positive outcomes as a result of the relaxation that goes with being contented.

I haven't been content, really content, in a couple of years and not just with my work, but with my life. I use to scour the internet looking at photographers' and artists' blogs for inspiration and guidance. At first, I was very inspired. After a while, I found that I was comparing myself to many and became more insecure than ever. I stopped reading blogs a few years ago. When I watched Joy on the Click live stream, I became intrigued again. I had read her blog in the past, but stopped when I stopped reading all blogs. Honestly I had no idea what Click was, but a friend of mine was there and kept posting stuff about it on FB. When I heard Joy was speaking, I decided to watch it. After that, I started reading her blog again. I knew I had to eventually meet her. I recently spent 3 days with her, and I came home feeling like I was on the right path with my inner struggle....learning about photography was a bonus for me. I went to Austin to learn about her...in hopes that it would help me learn about me. My life is good...I have the most amazing man in my life. He is the foundation for my family, and he is my rock. He holds us together. My kids are amazing, creative people who inspire me daily. We are settled in our community. I have great girlfriends who support me and encourage me, and I am strong in my faith. We have made a wonderful life, but still contentment is lacking. I am always restless. It's definitely a struggle inside of me and not based on anyone else. I'm not sure what my path will hold as far as photography goes, but I know I will always take pictures. I don't feel understood or valued, and that is a struggle inside of me; but it is real and awful. I can't stand injustice, and I see it daily in my own neighborhood; and it is real and awful. I'm not sure where to go or what to do to settle my soul down, but I have to do something; so I'll keep praying. Contentment....where are you? Discontentment....go away!

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Happy Birthday to the one who started it all! Eighteen years ago today, I became a mama for the first time. Little did I know what to expect and how that day would change my life forever and for better. I remember calling my own mother after you were born to tell her....NOW I GET IT! NOW I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME! You are the best and most perfect biggest sister for this family. You have given your siblings so much to look up to, and they each treasure their relationship with you. Keep on doing good, loving deep and giving fiercely! Your 18 years have already made a huge impact on this world. You're one of my biggest heroes, and I adore you. BTW...thank you for always hugging me back everytime you walk in the room! XOXO EIGHTEEN....SIGH!

About Me

Why I Think Out Loud...

I started journaling several years ago when I realized that I couldn't possibly remember every milestone, cute phrase, wonderful expression, heart tugging word or life changing action that occurs within my own family. I had to face the fact that my brain has become fuller and fuller with each baby born and each day that passes; and now it's overloaded. I find myself having to write down everything from a daily "To Do" list to much more important things like the first time my son kissed me on the lips. I don't want to take anything for granted and chance that I might not remember. I journal in a notebook, in my own handwriting, with the intent and hope that someday my sweet buttercups will cherish having these journals in their mama's own handwriting. I started this blog, because there are some things that are meant to be shared and some things that I hope someone will read and enjoy. Maybe I can learn something from a reader or two as well.

Payne Family Videos!!

Find Me On Instagram!!

PHOTOGRAPHY IS A PASSION! Click to view my photography Facebook page!

Photos On Instagram!!

I am happy to say....

Jesus is my first love!

My children are beautiful, inside and out!

I'm as happy as I've ever been!

NPayne thinks I'm beautiful!

I LOVE vintage!

I live in America!

I let my children get dirty!

I thoroughly enjoy Bible Study!

I'm addicted to linens!

I enjoy watching football on TV!

I live in a house full of imagination!

I pray for world peace!

I support our troops and pray for them daily!

I am VERY sentimental!

My parents were married for 40 years!

I love thrift stores and flea markets!

My favorite room in my house is the nursery!

There are 4 princesses and one prince in my house which makes me a Queen!