Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I was feeling so crappy in the hospital, I never got around to posting this.

We did an MRI in Riverside to rule out brain mets. It did. There are no detectable aliens growing in my brain.

I’m so relieved. One thing that works, you know? And it’s the thing that I count on most. I can communicate, think, feel, and perceive the way I always have. I won’t start having seizures or losing my balance anytime soon. We can put “brain bleed” on the list of things I’m less likely to die of.

I believe, loudly, that God doesn’t give or take diseases. I have cancer because the evolutionary process governing my melanocytes went wonky. God is with me in it; God emphatically did not give it to me. It’s not some ridiculous “trial” that I have to prove myself through.

At the same time, I can say, “I don’t have brain mets (thank you Jesus)!” I stop making sense, out here.

There’s some intelligent commentary on theodicy in that, but I don’t think I’m the one to make it. I will say that if you’re praying for a cure for me, you have my total sympathy. I can’t do it—but I’m glad that people are, even if I don’t think God works that way.

I got invited to help rescue baby oak trees. Think I'll go get dirty for awhile.

When I found out I had cancer, I thought that Godde was punishing me for my sins. One of the first questions a doctor friend at the Geneva Hospital asked me was just that question: "Do you think that Godde is punishing you." I started sobbing, saying "Yes."

He told me 'No! Just think the number of people who would be having cancer if this were the case!'

He added that Godde (for him Godde is God, but Godde feels good to me) was with me in this. This was a wonderful moment when I suddenly felt entitled, able to fight the cancer. Otherwise, i would have fought it with one hand tied in the back.

Sometimes, Kirstin, I think you will feel that Godde is carrying you. Frankly, I think She will and probably already is.