Dear Parents of a College-Bound Young Woman

I am an instructor at a public university, where I have the great pleasure and privilege of teaching brilliant and motivated women, such as your daughter (I know—she will always be your “little girl,” but college is just as much about you moving on as it is about her!). They come into my classroom with eager minds, a wide assortment of colored pens, and stories that make me laugh, think, and cry. Sometimes they talk about you, too. Yes, they complain, but ultimately they’re proud to be your daughter.

I know it’s hard to let them go into the world and to let your heart walk around outside your body, and I’m almost certain you’ve prepared them the only way you know how–with a litany of speeches. I know this because in addition to presently being a parent of three girls, I, too, had the experience of being a college-bound teenager. It was understood: no alcohol, no drugs, no sex.

While I’m sure you’ve heard horror stories, rest assured that for every bad story there are at least three good stories. In fact, every semester, I have the joy of watching dozens of young women brilliantly speak their minds, come up with transformative ideas, excel on exams, and work together with classmates in ways that assure me that, just as you’ve always told them, they will, one day, change the world.

But—as you know, there’s always a “but”—I have also seen young women transform in ways that were troubling.

I’ve seen students start the semester as energetic size-twelves and end the semester gaunt size-threes. Heard them purging in the bathroom. Seen the fatigue in their faces and bodies from too much diet coke and excessive exercising. Witnessed rapid declines in grades and class participation. One even took a pregnancy test because her menstrual cycle had stopped.

Another reason I know this all to be true is because I had eating and exercise disorders my freshman year. I exercised 2-3 hours a day, or until I burned every calorie I had consumed. Ate carrots until my skin turned orange. Tried every diet from Atkins to Dexatrim-laced coffee. Skipped class to go running. I once ran so far that I got lost and ended up miles from my dorm room; it took me three hours to get back. I had week-long bouts of insomnia, anxiety-induced hives, and heart palpitations.

People said I looked great. I hated myself.

Why had this happened to me? I had always been so level-headed and because I found school to be easy, I was also somewhat lazy. I did not seem to fit the eating or exercising disorder “profile.” In fact, this also led to a shopping addiction, another form of mental illness that society makes light of, but that is almost as destructive.

The truth is, college is just plain HARD for young women. I felt fat, unattractive, and uncharming. My clothes were never “cool” enough. My hair not trendy enough. My body was sadly lacking in tattoos. Even my brownness made me feel like an outsider to mainstream college culture, which I attempted to remedy by becoming a vegetarian. It lasted three months. I quit on Thanksgiving.

Now parents, I know many of you are proud to say that you are “very, very close” to your daughter; you’re practically twinsies. Like, you have a secret handshake and everything. But I was close to my parents, too; in fact, once when I failed to talk to them for the SECOND time that day, my dorm manager informed me that they had called campus police. But these secrets remained secrets.

So why am I writing you this letter? Because, statistically, there is a good chance your daughter may develop an eating or exercise disorder. Studies show that 40% of female college students have some kind of eating disorder. Just as startling, half of all those with eating disorders are clinically depressed. Further, over 90% of females in college will attempt to regular their weight through dieting, which means that there is always the potential that they could develop an eating disorder later on.

Eating/exercise disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. It is difficult to heal oneself from a disorder; in fact, I consider myself to be “in progress” because I continue to suffer from bouts of depression related to my body-image.

Parents, look for signs. Ask questions. Watch your language. Visit. Ask if she knows where Student Health Services and Counseling are. Look at the posters on her wall. Encourage her to take a Women’s Studies class (shameless plug). Make sure the first words out of your mouth when you see her convey how proud you are of her, not what you think about her looks (even if the words are positive).

And remember, it’s never too late to have “the talk,” because you might not know it then, but those might be the words she has needed to hear the most.