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I've been reading the book Nineteen eighty-Four by George Orwell. (it's interesting to read a sci-fi novel about a Distopian future that happened when I was three yeqars old.) I think in many ways the book could be seen as an Atheistic aligory.

Big Brother's face exists everywhere. He sees all, he knows all, he can almost read minds, he is all-powerfull, his enemies are tortured and are then erased ("vapourised" is the word used in the book) from all exiswtence including past existence. They never existed. Big Brother can even change the past. And does, all the time.
Yet, most likely, Big brother himself probably doesn't exist, I think he's probably just a cartoon character, like Uncle Sam, used to represent the Inner Party.

I can see elements of myself in both Wynston and Julia. Like Wynston smith, I have always questioned everything, I have a keen sense of bullshit, and am mystified by the stupidity of the Masses. Like Julia, I am totally oposed to the sexual opression of the establishment. I don't swear as much as she does (when there's no Telescreens around, she says the word "Bloody" a lot) but the swear words I do say are much worse.

Before I go on maybe I should explain a little more about how "Oceana" works.

There are tree identicle superpowers; Oceana (America, Britain, Australia, etc) Eurasia (Russia and Europe) and Eastasia (Asia, Japan, and some parts of Africa.) All three are in a contunuous war that's lasted sence the 40's with no progress.

In London there are tree kinds of people; the "Inner Party" (those running everything) the "Outer Party" (everyone else who lives and works in London) and "The Proles" ("Prolitarian" poor people with low education and cockney accents who live outside of London. Many are muggers and prostitutes, but the Thought Police don't care because they mostly victimize eachother.)

There are four huge, Pyramid-like buildings in london; the Ministry of Plenty (MidiPlenty)(the treasury, who are in charge of distributing starvation thruought England) the Ministry of Peace (MidiPax)(The millitary), the Ministry of Love (MidiLuv)(The Thought Police, who are in charge of torturing people for "thoughtcrime") and the Ministry of Truth (MidiTru).

Wynston himself has a job in the ministry of Truth. His job is basically to "correct" old back-issues of Newspapers. If Eurasia becomes the ally and Eurasia becomes the enemy, he has to change all the old newspapers to make it look like eurasia was aleays the ene,my and Eastasia never was. If one of the oher ministries come out with news that contradicts a previous prediction, he changes the prediction so they can claim they were right. Ironically, his job is a huge source of his doubts, and it's also an interesting aradox that the Party's bullshit is expected to be swallowed by the very people doing the shoveling.

Julia works in the Fiction Department, he's basically the mechanic on a computer that writes and publishes crappy romance novels with no plots, which will then be sold to Prole children who think they're buying something illegal.

Thruought London, there are things called "Telescreens", which are basically TVs which can't be turned off and which can also recieve images and sound. The shows broadcast on them usually come from the Ministry of Truth, but it's the Thought Police that are revieving images of what you're doing. This doesn't happen to the Proles because the Party considder them to have a status similiar to animals.

There's also another, less high-tech device called a "Memoury Hole" which is basically an opening in a wall to a tube which leads directly to a furnace. Basically it's used as both a bin and a shredder, only WAY more efficient at destroying evidence beyond recognition.

Anyway, one of the things about Big Brother that struck me as IDENTICAL to Christanity is the Party's attitude towards sex. julia herself is a member of the "Anti-Sex league" (which makes her a blatant hypocrite and prowd of it). Marriages are usually formed only to create children. Prostitution is illegal, but it's a five-year sentence, not a death sentense, even if you're caught. Marriages can even be denied if the authorities in qusetion believe two people want to be married because they're sexually attracted to eachother. The idea here is not so much that Big Brother is opposed to sex, but simply that Big Brother is trying to destroy the joy of sex by turning it into something dirty. Wynston was married, but currently sepparated (but technically not devourced) to a stupid woman without an ounce of sexual desire for him in her entire body, whereas Julia actually liked being toughed. Strangely, it was his wife that was oposed to a platonic husband-wife relationship because whe wanted to "do her duty to the party" by "making babies". Wynston couldn't stand her.

Another thing I found interesting was the idea of "DoubleThink", which could actually discribe some of the comments Christians have made on this verry websight. They deem Abiogenisis to be rediculous, yet find it perfectly acceptible that an entire multicelular organism can suddenly spring from a lump of cay. They deem the "Big Bang" theory to be bullshit because they don't know what caused it, yet claime Jehovah just existed for infinite eons for no reason and then for no aparent reason suddenly said, "Let there be light".They claim thattheir God is perfect and good, and then start making up excuses when you point out all the Genocide and Slavery in the book itself. They think that "You're going to HELL for making that arguement" is a logical and valid counter-arguement which actually somehow makes what the Atheist said untrue. They'll claim that the Bible is perfect and without error, but will sometimes explain Biblical contradictions by claiming the witnesses to the event were mistaked, i.e. the Authors of the Bible (who most likely weren't even there, if the event occured at all) were in error. Some Christians (not all, to be fair) have even argued not only against Science, but also against logic (logic desn't make any sense), reason (the devil's whore), the use of one's mind (that wouldn't be faith), and examining the evedence (you're being decieved by the Devil).

Doeblethink isn't just hypocracy or contradiction, it's the ability to hold two ideas in your head at the same time. More precisely, what you do is, you're aware of a previous fact, you become aware of a new claim of the party, the claim contradicts the old fact, but you believe both fully and without doubt, and then, through concious and intentional act, you reject and forget the old fact in favour of the new claim. Then you make yourself forget that you forgot it. You didn't forget anything. There was no contradiction, you never performed the act of "doublethink", you didn't make yourself forget anything, there was never anything to forget, the New Claim isn't even new, the New Claim had always been fact.

And it gets worse. After Wynston gets busted, his torturer (I won't spoil it by saying his name) seems to have an interesting definition of "sanity". If you're a minority of one, you're insane. The Party is the majority, therefore the Party is right. Wynston repeatedly thrupught the book said that "Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two equals four." His torturer actually challenged this theory. by tortureing him while repeatedly askinghim how many fingers he saw. Twice he sad "Four", once he said "Five" but was accused of lying, and then after more torture hus vision became distorted and honestly easn't sure, to which his torturer said, "Better". He even went on to claim that the universe was small ang young, because Man only existed a few thousand years and reality only exists in the mind of man and therefore the collective beliefs of the minds of the Party can alter the universe as they see fit. He even claimed he could rise up off the floor like a soap bubble but big Brother doesn't want him to. In Short, the Party basically has a collective insanity.

Personally, I say that, if the entire known universe were destroyed (that is, all the planets and galaxies that we actually know exists) 99.9% of the universe wouldn't even notice, and 0.001% of the universe would only be aware of a brief red spot of light in the night's sky millions of years after the fact. Reality litterally exists with or without us. Reality is the thing that doesn't go away when you stop believing in it.

The torturer, when he allowed Wynston to freely ask him questions, told Wynston that Big brother does exist, but also claimed that he was immortal. when Wynston said, "No, I mean, does he exist as I exist?" he replied, "You do not exist".

In fact, the Torturer even compared the party's methods to those of Inquisitors as well as Nazi and Communist interrigators. He said that the Inquisition failed because it killed people while they were still defiant, and instead of destroying herecy they were perpetuating herecy by makeing Martyrs of heretics. the Nazis and Communists were closer to the Party in methods, but they still made Martyrs because they tortured their "heretics" into confession and submission but not enough to prevent them from still becoming martyrs. The Party, however, he claimed, tortures people for much longer untill they not only obey but submit and believe in Big Brother, and give themselves willingly to the Party so that when they ARE executed it's practically a willing act of almost suicide, and thus they are not Martyrs but are dying for Big Brother. In other words, it's brainwashing.

Christians often wish they could change the past as Wynston himself does. But they often do the next best thing; they re-enterperet the Bible as they see fit. Try having a logical arguement with a Fundie about biblical contradictions, they'll start saying, "When Jesus says this he means that" etc.

Sex: Male
City: Melbourne
State: Victoria
Country: Australia
Became a Christian: 0 or 1
Ceased being a Christian: about 14
Labels before: Catholic
Labels now: Atheist or Darwinian
Why I joined: "give me a child from the age of seven up, and his mind forever."
Why I left: Christianity is no different from any other myth

I was born in a strict Catholic family and to a father that still attends church regularly and a mother that is atheist. So ofcoarse they HAD to have me baptized to clean off the original sin so I wouldn't burn in hell!

My brother and I had to go to Sunday school weekly and when I was eight I made my First Communion. I was fed the typical lies that the church teaches you like that Eve was born from Adam's rib or Jesus rose from his grave after being dead for 3 days.
For a very short time I actually believed it, then it just didn't make sense to me anymore. So when I was 13 I became pretty much atheist and skipped Sunday school . About a year later when I was 14 and my brother had just made his confirmation and it came to that time for me.

Luckliy my parents decided to let me decide whether to make my confirmation or not. Ofcoarse I said no and finished my last year of Sunday school, never to return to church again. I was sick of being atheist and wanted to belong to some kind of spiritual path when I started reading about Witchcraft and Paganism.

I soon found that the beliefs in the Goddess/God and practices of magick fit my style and I started studying the craft. All of this made so much sense to me and very spiritualy happy. I couldn't be sure whether there was a higher being or not so I became a agnostic Pagan, because it's impossible to know.

And that is my story.

Sex: female
City: Plattsburgh
State: NY
Country: USA
Became a Christian: When I was a baby, I had no choice
Ceased being a Christian: 13
Labels before: Roman Catholic Church
Labels now: Agnostic Pagan
Why I joined: I was forced to
Why I left: I didn't believe in it anymore
Email Address: Drama at Dublin.com

I remember that glorious day! Enshrouded by nothing but darkness, shoved about by powerful forces unseen! I lifted my head from the blackness towards the blinding light; gasping for air, i tried to cry. Suddenly,as from nowhere a firm,but gentle,huge hand connected with me. With that I uttered "waahhh,waahhh"!!!

No, that was not my Christian rebirth story. That was the story of the day I was born. Actually, I don't remember the day I was born; I hardly remember this morning! However, it seemed like a humorous intro.
So, four score and seven years ago...er,I mean 25 years ago, I was brought forth into this shithole of brainwashing.

I was raised as a Christian by my mother-may she rest in peace. She took me and my sister to a Pentecostal church till I was about 5-6 years of age{something like that}.

Around this time my female Sunday school teacher grabbed me and slammed me against a wall for talking in class. As a result, my mom stopped taking us to church and I think she stopped attending herself too. Though she continued to raise us as bible believing Christians, yet she was overly fundamentalist about it, she was more moderate.

I always had sort of an inherent desire to believe in the god and Christ that my mother raise dis- believing in when I was young. I was one whom wasn't ashamed to admit his belief in god and Jesus and the bible and modern 'Christian morality',etc.

My mother never really indoctrinated us too heavily{to my recollection; like I said -she did it more moderately} and my faith was largely my own, and my desire to refrain from drugs,drinking,peer pressure,sexual intercourse before marriage,smoke,hurting others,etc was as much based in "reason/logic/common sense/rationality,etc" as in religious superstitious fear of gods wrath and hell; and to this day remains my reason fro refraining from most of these things as well as a Universist.

However, I always had a bit of a rebellious streak in me. Not so much agaisnt the faith or values my mother taught us in, as against conservatism/traditionalism,and against the herd mentality of both the Christian{church} and non-Christian{school cliques,class,preps,etc} worlds.

When I reached the age of 10-11, I discovered heavy metal music-which would become largely my religion{not faith} and passion.

I grew my hair long,dressed in metal shirts,rebelled against the norm and the sheep mentality,etc, and faced persecution from my whole school for it. I was "the" rebel and outcast in junior high-and throughout it.

When I got to high school I had an experience where a family member whom had treated my shitty while we were growing up{a cousin} that I had little desire to forgive, suddenly sought my forgiveness-we were both surprised to find my sincerely forgiving immediately. I chalked it up to the last few moths spent delving into the bible and prayer like never before and renewing my xian faith{not realizing that I was born inherently forgiving,honest,merciful,etc, and that this was not the result of any particular religious belief}.

As a result, I became a "born again" xian. I spent the next several years as a diehard evangelical Christian metal-head.

To make long story shorter, I spent those years getting thoroughly indoctrinated into evangelical xianity and passionately endeavored to spread the "love of Jesus".{to Give you some idea of how extreme I was, I fancied myself as a warrior of Christ, often calling myself "Antisatan" and "Lucificide",etc, I was going to be a revolutionary man at the front row of the army of god, making myself a feared enemy of satan/Lucifer}. Although during that time, I always challenged w.out fear the church leaders and sheeple and their prejudices of appearances,etc, as well as 'legalisms' ,hypocrisy,double standards,etc, and at times doctrine. I was slowly becoming a real heretic and revolutionary.

In 2001 my mother passed away from cancer. I found myself a little upset at god for this{though only minorly},but that mixed w/my newfound open mindedness and deep theological questions which had been brewing for awhile about bible infallibility, the gender of god,etc, which lead to even deeper philosophical/theological conundrums about the nature of god and reality,etc. I payed attention to them to some degree{always with a fear that I was gonna go to hell}, I was attending church and Bible Studies for 'college and careers" aged people. I was disturbing the shit and stirring up controversy like never before, the heretic in me was in full swing. I found myself seriously challenging the faith in bible Studies and stuff and pissing off a lot of people{leaders especially}. I almost left xianity for wicca, then I almost adopted Wicca into Christian mysticism.

Eventually, though, I went back to evangelical xianity,stopped my disbelief{though I continued some of my questions, namely whether the bible was really 100% infallibly the word of God or just parts were, and whether god should just be called by patriarchal terms and if maybe we should call god by both male and female terms or neither}.

I went back to the faith fully w/this in sept 2001{days BEFORE the 9/11 thing}.

I continued in army of Christ, satans arch-nemesis, mode till recently. I eventually started stirring up a built more heretic controversy{though w/my own belief in god/Christ in tact}. I eventually stopped attending church in my city thinking they were all too hypocritical, though I still desired to find a 'real' 'spirit-filled' 'unhypocritical' church to go to, I considered that I should open my own 'come as you are'/'all questions/quandaries welcome' no patriarchal hierarchy church.

In 2003{spring of} I was leant a book by a friend written by Bishop John Shelby Spong, a heretical-mystical Christianity, paying lip service to the tradition of his faith,Jesus seminar, humanist xian leader/writer. The Book was called "living in sin", it was pro-homosexuality and preo-feminism, it seriously opened my eyes to the prejudice against homosexuals in xianity and prejudice and subjugation of women/females in church history and in the bible itself, and even to some extant in modern evangelical xianity.

This eventually led me to my full blown heretic heart again, and I began to question all things again. And stirred up more controversy amongst the Christians in my town.

As of January/February of 2004, I started to look seriously into Wicca again, but quickly discovered Deism{which appealed to my rational and heretical mind more}, so I started calling myself deist in Feb/March. As of around probably April-I discovered Universalism, I now call myself a deistic Universist, though I remain open to pantheistic/pagan{primarily some 'wiccan' ideas},trancandentalist, and some new age thought,etc, as well as Humanism.

I have begun a process of learning how seriously violent,hypocritical,egotistical,petty,vile,immoral,and evil Jehovah is and that Jesus{if he existed-which is probbale-though not certain, whom was probably also a compassionate person-was also a egomaniac and hypcocrite} given that he said in Matthew 5:17-19 to follow every stroke of the pen from the law{and NO Christian does this, not even Jesus himself did so in the gospel accounts; and why would they? Given how cruel and unusual a lot of those punishments/laws are and how much a racist and war-mongering god Jehovah is painted as-even though "he's" also called merciful and loving, LoL!!!}.
As a result I see the need to subvert by educating and informing myself and others to these facts{not overthrowing violently, as a democratic,peace-loving, person- simply could not do so} people about jude-xianity, so that it will eventually fade away as amyth and lie.{same w/other "revealed" religions ,such as Judaism and Islam,etc}.
I have become a humanist, a Universist, a deist/panthiest/pagan/new ager{haven't yet fully decided on one}, a peace movement person, a different kind of spiritual warrior. Now fanying myself{I know, too much ego is bad, but it's fun to fancy yourself as things by giving yourself new names or pseudonym's} "Holy Heretic"/"iconoclast".

Here I stand with you my fellow/sister,etc, Ex-Christians.
Let us enlighten ourselves and the world together, to make this a better world, and maybe eventually we can enlighten Et races{if they exist} and they us. Then there can be true peace/equality/love/truth/justice in the universe; that's all this heretic heart of mine wants.

Why I joined: Born into it. When I self "born again" dedicated-it was because I experienced an uncanny ability to forgive someone which I chalked up to the last few months having got back into the bible and prayer

Why I left: Lack of substance in it, lack of logic/common sense/reason, the theology was ass-backward{a transcendent but somehow male god whom is limited to the belief system of one religion}, good people going to hell, a brutal war god, Bible inconsistencies/contradictions, lack of hsitororical proof, lack of any real miracles that aren't in other religions that can't be chalked up to "self/mass hypnosis"/"positive thought'-etc., sexism in the faith, the condemnation of homosexuality which has scientific evidence to back it up as natural and normal,the list goes on and on.

I tried to tell my story, but it was taking way too long, and being a nihilist, I simply don't care enough to write that long. I do,however, care enough to rant for a minute or two.

I was born a christian.
I was a sheep until the age of 22.

I started to think, (the process of obtaining a graduate degree helped.)

I started to question religion and found way too many contradictions as well as violence, obsenity, and just plain bullshit, that held little to no value for modern life.

I could no longer suppress my nihilistic tendencies. I found that I simply did not give a shit enough about anything for it to hold that much value.

Here is how I feel now:

This is a meaningless existence and of no long-term value. Our seperate lives may be of value only to ourselves and it is only the value WE place upon our lives. Because I feel there is not enough proof to either support or deny the existence of a supernatural being, I am agnostic. Although I do lean slightly towards atheism because if there is a god, he/she is at least incompetent and maybe just doesn't give a shit.

Because of all the meaningless values that we are bombarded with everyday and are expected to accept, I have become a staunch cynic and do my best to keep from falling into a deep depression. I make it quite clear to most people that I do not believe in God and can make most christians leave me alone by simply giving them a prayer request. I ask them to pray to god and thank him for disease, greed, child molestation, poverty, cancer, and war and to ask him why 600 african children must starve to death every day.

On a lighter note, I delude myself into something good by working for a non-profit and trying to have the most fun I can while I'm here. My motto is: "Slow down and enjoy it, you'll be in hell soon enough."

State: CA
Country: US
Became a Christian: Birth
Ceased being a Christian: 25
Labels before: Lutheran
Labels now: Agnostic, nihilist
Why I joined: No choice, born into it
Why I left: I finally started to think
Email Address: william.hicks at sbcglobal.net

There was a time when I wasn’t sure of what I believed or who I was, that time is now over. The twisting ride has ended and has taught me a few things about the church and people, which I want to share with you.

Many of the world’s problems are wrapped in ignorance and a hunger for power and control. At every turn and corner of the world, people are suppressed and manipulated. Although not applying to all men, it is the common thread throughout this world that needs mentioning.
Bias is everywhere and bondage is just another sermon sold in many folds of religious propaganda. Well meaning tyrants smile and seek your love while they promise security and hope, felling to deliver either, whether being sincerely wrong or having that knowledge and purpose for that very end. We receive neither love, nor hope, but a loss of freedom to think for our selves and a fear to live apart from our spiritual aggressors or government.

Manipulation and fear raise our children, due to much of our own foolishness and submission to the same fears. Love is granted through your obedience, although love and respect should be earned, not gained through force of fear. It is a coercive beast that threatens our lives to either submit or die. It doesn’t matter if this is a religion or government, it should be treated as a tyrant seeking to gain control over the lives of the masses for some purpose, whether it be their own or another’s gain.

By brain washing the young and keeping back information in order to gain control of the thinking populace, men who are sincere will teach lies without the knowledge of what they are doing, while following the “truth” of spiritual or government leaders. These men will see the results in the physical and mental catastrophes they have seeded in the hearts and minds of their following. Spiritual leaders will dogmatize lies in the form of love surrounded with threats of everlasting damnation hoping love will spring from their follower’s hearts.

The love found growing in the people’s heart is not for god or gods, or government, nor any man. This love is based off of the fear of hell or some type of punishment, or a coercive love. It is not a freely given love to this god or that leader, but a love for self-preservation that motivates them to submit. In the end people are worried about themselves, not god or his glory nor loving this or that god. Man is only free when he is left to his own conscience and heart with out the aid of lies and manipulation, humanity then can truly love god with an honest and open mind, apart from fear or choose not to love. Truth should be given freely and a personal search free of threats and fear.

A self-governed heart following conscience and truth wherever it may lead, a freedom deserved. I am not against religion or government, it is the lies and deceit that I am against, which unfortunately seems to follow too closely behind. My religion as with the desires of my heart are simple, “it is liberty and freedom to follow the guidance of my own conscience and heart”. With liberty there will be mistakes, but I am willing to pay the price to be free, rather than be under the control of tyrants who mean “well”. I will believe in a god and submit freely with love, but not under the threat of damnation. If any religion is gaining people by threats, it is not a welcomed friend of mine.

I am for the people, and the freedom of all people. Freedom is found in love, understanding, and compassion. There is freedom in knowledge, courage, and discipline. Freedom is not found in condemnation or fear. Freedom is not found by ignoring your conscience. Freedom is not found by ignoring your heart.

If you ask me what I believe, or what I am now, the answer will be quite short, “ I am free”. I am free to worship the God of my own choosing, according to my own conscience. I am not on the path to destruction, but a path illuminated with the light of liberty from tyrant theologies that pursued me. I am compelled to speak openly and freely, not out of arrogance, but to show that I am a person with integrity and courage. I have in the past years struggled with many conflicting views and with much personal aguish and have now arrived at my own conclusions.

My conclusions are built on personal experience and by the use of all God given faculties granted to me. I no longer believe in the God of Calvinism or the free-will mongers. I know Calvinism is clearly taught in the Bible, so I reject parts of the Bible that teach God is some glory hungry tyrant. Calvinism does not paint a pretty picture of God. People would be appalled by a god that seeks to destroy their loved ones for His own glory and then expects you to thank him for it. Is this the Gospel you preach and love? If this is what the Bible clearly teaches, then why do you not preach it fully and openly? “All truth is safe, and nothing else is safe; and he who keeps back the truth, or with holds it from men, from motives expediency, is either a coward or a criminal, or both”, Max Muller.

Would your preaching be futile if the people were aware of this theology you hold to? People would ask themselves, “Would Jesus ask me to make a commitment to faith which I am incapable of making or is he making fun of my crippled nature which he predetermined me to have?” How could any commitment of faith make any difference in the predetermined plan of God? If God calls for me to burn in hell for his precious glory, then it doesn’t matter what I do. So why offer salvation to all, if it is only to the Elect, and then blame people for a choice they are not able to make anyway? Why would God intentional blind any child for the sake of glory?

How can we even be blamed for something we are born to do, with or without our agreement to it? Surely God will not blame any person for being born crippled, so why blame them for a spiritual handicap. Knowing that God fashions all men in the womb, is He deliberately blaming us for His own actions? If faith is a gift from God, how can we be blamed for not having this faith when He holds it back from us? It baffles me to think that God would expect a cat to act any different than a cat, if it is only living according to the nature it was given. Can we blame a cat for being a cat and acting like a cat? So can we worship a god who blames us for something he is responsible for? Call me a heretic, reprobate, or even an apostate. All these names mean nothing to me now. Names have become just that, “names”.

Actions have always revealed the nature of people’s hearts and motives, not the titles assigned to them, just as your particular brand of Christianity has shown through in how you have dealt with me, and possibly others. Your lack of concern has not gone unnoticed. Love is what we all want and search for in each other and in God. Does Christ find Himself liberated by the love you show or held in bondage? Condemning, judging and arrogance is the predominate role in the lives of those who, “know God personally”. It is comforting to not be among the “humble ones” sitting in the pews. I am thankful to have gone through this disillusionment at an early age. It has taught me that I must be my own authority, if left in the hands of pastors, I will never be a whole person, only a smiling Christ clone, of the flavor of theology that is being taught.

If I seem upset, it is the truth and reaction you will get from ever person who feels mistreated and let down and unloved. Do you know what happens to a newborn child if it is never held or loved? You may feed it and look at it and discipline its behavior, but what happens if you never love it? The child will die and a newborn believer will suffer the same end. Are you and the church reflecting Christ’s love? Is He like the church, without love and void of compassion? The church has already answered these questions by the hollow shell of love it sells. So Praise the Lord for me being an apostate, it is all for His Glory, and besides; who are you to argue with God’s will for me to rebel. Oh, my poor friends, if you are upset, then you must have a problem with God’s perfect plan.

City: Raleigh
State: North Carolina
Country: USA
Became a Christian: Became a Christian at the age of 18
Ceased being a Christian: Became an open minded person at 22
Labels before: Conservative Southern Baptist
Labels now: Openminded, free
Why I joined: Young and looking for direction in my life.
Why I left: After a while, I had to be honest with myself and others....they were selling something that didn't work and so was I.
Email Address: jokewm2 at yahoo.com

This is a story of how I am finally able to shed the last of the xian brainwashing that was inflicted on me as a child. It's long, it rambles, and it's almost 3000 words. But it helps me to write it, and I hope that some of you will have the patience to read it. Any words of encouragement from a fellow nonbeliever will be welcome.
From as far back as I can remember, I was taken to sunday school and then church by my mother. My mother was not especially religious herself -- I think she brought me there because it was the "right" thing to do and to give me something of a social life. My church was Northern Baptist, more or less the same vanilla Xian of all the other Protestant churches around -- the Methodists, the Congregationalists, and so on. Our town was maybe 3/4 Protestant and 1/4 Catholic. As far as I knew, my church was "Protestantism Lite." The emphasis was on living a good life. The mystical stuff was there, but I don't remember them stressing it much, and I never got exposed to the hell and damnation stuff favored by other sects.

When I was 6 or 7 I remember the Catholic neighbor boy down the street, with whom I used to hang out some, telling me, out of the blue, that only Catholics went to heaven. I didn't say anything -- I've always had trouble expressing myself verbally, especially when confronted with that crap. But I did ask my grandmother and mother if it were true. They said no, don't worry about it, or something like that. But I could just tell, without knowing it, that they went to the neighbor kid's parents and told them to tell little Johnny to cool it, because I didn't see so much of Johnny after that.

I was raised mostly by my grandparents. My father and mother divorced before I was born, and my mother stayed and worked in Boston during the week, coming home on weekends. She was normally a quiet woman, but when my grandparents went out for the evening, she was given to hysterical rages that scared the crap out of me. Somehow I couldn't tell my grandparents about it, but one day in church, after another round of hysteria the night before, I told someone about it, the mother of one of my friends and a pillar of the church. I thought for sure she'd say something about it to my grandparents or my mother. At last, I thought to myself, someone will get my mother to stop. My mother didn't stop, however, and I realized that the lady I'd confided in had said nothing to anyone. That was a huge disappointment.

Life went on. When I was 11 or 12, I was invited to spend the weekend at my cousin's house. She was about my age, and I always wondered why I hadn't seen more of her, since they lived not too far away. After that weekend, I was just as glad, not to have anything to do with them. For one thing, everything was regimented. My cousin insisted I had to brush my teeth with her, first thing in the morning before breakfast. Do you know how bad orange juice tastes with toothpaste? But more than that, they seemed to be going to church ALL the time. I mean, I thought one service a week was plenty. But they had Saturday church activites and Saturday night church and Sunday morning church and Sunday evening church. I couldn't believe all the long sermons I sat through in just 2 days.

The culmination of the weekend came when my cousin's father took me aside and asked me if I believed that everything in the Bible was literally true, like the earth being created in 7 days. I'd never really thought about it before. To me, our Sunday school was basically a bunch of stories with some life lessons thrown in. Like I said, Protestantism Lite. After hearing my cousin's father's question, I thought a little, and then I said I thought the creation tale was an allegory. I'm not sure I used that word, but I said something like that. He looked at me a bit oddly. I asked him if he believed the creation tale was literally true. He said yes, but let it go at that. Sunday night someone came and got me and I was never invited to my cousin's place again.

At age 13, the beginning of my high school freshman year (9th grade), I came under attack, for lack of a better expression. It's too long and boring to go into here, but basically a "friend" of mine did something unethical and I ended up getting the blame. The "popular" group of girls would see me in the halls and say things like "Speak of the devil" and so on. For weeks and weeks I had no idea what they were talking about, and nobody would tell me. Finally the girl behind me in homeroom said she'd find out. She did, and told me about it, and I realized there was no way at that point I could convince anyone I hadn't done anything wrong.

Anyway, during those dreadful weeks, I kept saying to myself, "Trust in God and it will work itself out." I realized long afterwards that I had picked up this mantra through all my exposure to church, week after week. I kept hoping that something would happen to exonerate me, just like I had hoped the church lady would make my mother stop her rages. But nothing happened, and I was regarded with suspicion by most of the students for the rest of my high school career. That incident really had a bad effect on me. I think that if I hadn't put my faith in a supernatural power during that time, I might have been able to figure out how to make the rumors and the harassment stop, perhaps by going to the injured party and telling her the truth. In any event, after that was when I stopped trusting people and I stopped trusting "God."

When I was 15 I started attending Sunday school classes for the junior class. At this point they had stopped separating the girls from the boys. There was just one class and it was taught by the minister's wife, a somewhat odd lady who liked to order hot water as a beverage in restaurants and who thought kissing before marriage was a sin. From my readings on this board, I think the junior year in high school is, in general, when they start hitting the kids with the hard stuff in Sunday school. This was where I found out that that all non-Christians will be going straight to hell after they die. It was little Johnny come back to me, only the Protestants were including themselves in the going to heaven category. Naïve me, I thought I had heard the last of that b.s. when Johnny moved away. I asked the teacher the standard question, what if someone hasn't been exposed to Christianity, it doesn't seem fair to send them to hell. She replied that it didn't matter.

Like so many of you, when I hit the hard stuff, I couldn't buy it. I stopped going to Sunday school and I stopped believing. My mother insisted I go to church, however. Before my senior year in high school, I told my mother I wanted to try different churches, to go to a different service every week. I think she talked it over with my grandmother. (At this point, my grandfather had died and my mother was now a full-time resident where I lived. I still regarded my grandmother as the person raising me.) I think my grandmother said, oh that will look bad, and my mother told me I needed to stay at the same church, and I could do what I wanted when I went to college.

The end of my senior year the church held its annual essay contest for seniors. I wasn't planning to enter -- there were too many godly teenagers at my church who were just chomping at the bit to win that $50 prize (this was 1963). However, the night before the essay was due, I got inspired and wrote a page on how I wanted to go off to college and investigate other religions. I turned it in the next day and forgot about it. In a few weeks the winner was to be announced at the weekly service. All the godly teenagers were sitting in front waiting for one of their names to be announced as the winner. I was sitting in the back with my mother. Suddenly I heard my name called as the winner. I remember my fellow classmates looking at me with disappointed smiles as I went up to accept the check. I do have to give those church people credit to this day. They could have easily picked someone else's essay.

The funny part came when I had to read my essay in front of the whole church. They asked someone else to read his essay too, a much more conventionally religious one, and the man helping us prepare for our delivery was clearly no fan of mine. He kept glaring at me. I read the essay and nobody came and lynched me afterwards, so I guess that's good. But what hurt was when one of the teenagers, I guy I had respected, later told me he'd read my essay on the sly, because his father was one of the judges. He said something like, you were just spouting b.s., weren't you. Well I wasn't, but I froze and found I couldn't disagree with him (it's that inability to respond verbally coming up again).

In college, sleeping in after a Saturday night date, during which I usually had at least a couple of drinks (screwdrivers were my favorite), became a lot more important than going off to some church to find out what was out there. (In the early 60s, the minimum drinking age was 18. I was able to drink at 17 and not even have to present a fake i.d. Years later, I was carded at age 38…But I digress.) Religion didn't come back into my life until I moved south and got married. If I'd had my choice at the time I would have done neither of those things.

It's yet still more of a long winding story as to how I got caught up in fundamentalism for a time, but here goes. My husband had been raised in a Southern Baptist church and rebelled against it as a teen. I think that the more fundamentalist the church, the stronger one's rebellion is and the more antagonistic one becomes. My husband was anti-religion, anti-christian, anti-church, you name it. His parents were church-goers and his mother was very devout, however. My views of religion at that time were (1) it was irrelevant and (2) I didn't like the people -- I had always tried to follow xian precepts such as the golden rule and to be kind, and I noticed that most of the people who went to church didn't do that. My husband was a fan of Bertrand Russell and thought of religion as an abomination. At the time I thought that if someone wanted to believe, well fine, that's their right. I still think that, but I get really angry when someone tries to shove their religion down my throat, either personally or politically.

Anyway, before I got married, I had thought my husband would be fun to live with. I believed that we had a lot in common. But after the wedding he changed a lot. He was critical of virtually everything I did, always claiming I was the one at fault. Part of it was that since he was 31 and I was 20, it was hard to argue with him. Another part was that he had a congenital, chronic, debillitating condition, and after a while I realized that if I caused him stress his condition would kick up and he would become very seriously ill. At other times he could fall on the floor and nothing would happen to him. Well, one day we're riding along with our two-year old son in the car and the thought came to me, how happy I was to be free of religion, heaven, hell, the whole nonsense. So I expressed that thought. And my husband starts getting on my case, saying don't be so negative! This after listening to him rant for hours on end about how horrible religion was. I learned right then to keep my thoughts to myself. Who could understand this guy? I guess he could insult the faith of his parents, but I could not.

I left my husband after 5 years of marriage, in a state of such depression that I was afraid I'd harm my little boy if I stayed. My husband begged me to let him keep our son. Actually he said, if you take him I'll die. I had no financial resources, either my own or from my parents. Nobody would rent a place to a single mother with a child. There were so many reasons I left without my son, but it doesn't matter. I regret it to this day. Two years later my husband died. Within a week his parents told me I was in no position to take care of my son, and they wanted to adopt him. I agreed. My father told me they would hound me until I gave my son up, and they certainly had the money to do it.

While my husband was sick, but before he died, I went to a campus religious group meeting. It turned out to be my first encounter ever with fundamentalists, or Pentecostals. I had heard of them, of course, but otherwise knew nothing about them. The atmosphere of the meeting was so emotionally charged that I broke down and cried for the first time in a very long time. From then on I was hooked. I started going to services at the campus Episcopalian cathedral. After a couple of times I got completely turned off by the "we are undeserving scum" litany and looked around for someplace else to go. My new fundie friends suggested a Protestant church in town, I forget which flavor. I have to say, one of the woman from that church helped me a lot while my husband was dying. She went to the "viewing" with me, went to the funeral, and listened to my story. She was continually non-judgmental and kind, and she didn't proselytize.

After my husband died, I kept on going to church. I saw the minister a few times, and he advised me never to see my son again. (I'm glad I ignored his advice. It was difficult to see my son at his grandparents' house, and our relationship has been through some tough times, and he has been through some tough times, but now my son and I are great friends.) Anyway, as the emotional wounds began to heal a little, I started to think more clearly about what I was hearing at church. I remember distinctly one Sunday hearing the stuff about Jesus dying for us and the resurrection and thinking, oh wow, I cannot bring myself to believe this. The defining moment came when I started reading C.S. Lewis. In one of his books, he presented two arguments, pro and con, for the existence of God. After reading them, I realized I found the "con" argument much more convincing!

I stopped going to church. Later in my life, twice in a 5 year period, I would happen to attend a service and get sucked in by what seemed to be the kindness of it all. But intellectually I realized I could never buy it, and I'd stop going. I also discovered that if I followed xian precepts in this world, I got kicked around like a soccer ball.

My current husband's parents are devout Catholics and my sister-in-law is a devout Lutheran of the in-your-face variety. Once she told my husband and me that we were not fit to be her newborn's godparents, because we were not religious and because we had lived together before getting married. The presence of her in our lives has again caused the religious guilt, that I realize has been part of me all my life, to come to the fore. I have lately come to realize that it's all voodoo and that I need to shed the remains of the brainwashing of my youth, even though it was "only Protestant Lite." The more I shed it, the more content and less conflicted I am. I am finding it easier to shed now that I have found a community of non-believers here.

I’ve been putting this testimony – or rather “de” testimony off for sometime now. Ever since first coming across this site and dwelling into the numerous stories of de-conversion, I have pondered whether I would share my own. Keep it to myself, or share it? I do sincerely believe that this is a matter I should share as to get it off my chest. And also, for the additional purpose of motivating any others who are or would desire a break from Christianity.
I do suppose it started in late summer 2000 – the summer after my sophomore year and before my junior. Perhaps I was chosen by God (highly unlikely), but for some reason I became interested in the Christian faith. I believed that Jesus Christ was the son of God; that He died for the sins of mankind; that He was resurrected from the dead; that He was born of a virgin birth; and finally, that I needed to call Him into my heart so I could be forgiven, and be able to go to heaven.

Around this same time, I started to view regularly the 700 Club (perhaps a part of my interest in the Christian faith) with Pat Robertson. I watched, and watched, and watched; and became convinced that my choice was the “right” choice. I found myself agreeing with many, though not all, of the views being presented on the show. However, though I believed firmly in the doctrines that makes a Christian a Christian, I found myself being at odds with some of the actions that took place in the Bible. Specifically, the numerous times that God punishes all people for the sins of an exclusive group of people, i.e. Noah’s ark story and Sodom and Gomorrah. I’ve always been a sensitive, good, and fair person, at least in my opinion. And with those attributes, it’s not unreasonable to think that I was appalled that the Almighty – the merciful, forgiving, just God - would do this. Wouldn’t actions such as those strip away the merciful forgiving, and just descriptions Christians (and other religions) attributed to God? What would make God any different from the Waffen S.S. soldiers who would murder innocent civilians just because of the actions of the local resistance group in opposition to the German occupiers? It didn’t, was my answer. How could He be any different? But still, my faith went on.

I had come to the conclusion that God did horrible acts – even though He tells others not to! But hey, He’s vengeful, right? So I went on believing…but still, I was at odds. I would continue to watch the 700 Club, but I noticed that in additional to agreeing (that certain actions and behaviors are wrong) I would also contrastingly disagree with the hateful messages being spewed out; I’d get vocal in my rage. I never agreed that people who are homosexuals or have had an abortion should be murdered, or have any violence acted out upon them; to that, I’m vehemently opposed.

I found myself continually doing things that any “good” Christian wouldn’t do. Sometimes this was out of anger towards God; if He’s so powerful and hates what I’m doing, why doesn’t He punish me like all those in the Bible? It was a “do you worse” challenge to God Himself. And then at other times, it was out of confusion. Why does God need to be so strict? Why does God need to be so demanding, and require so much out of us?...especially when He gives none back. (Take into account all the unanswered prayers that were supposed to change me, but didn’t.)

Time went on. Then 9/11 happened. I was saddened, shocked, and scared. I turned back to God for comfort and understanding, not unlike some if not most Americans at that time. I needed to feel that someone was in control of the situation and would make things okay. In other words, a crutch, just how all the critics of religion say it is. Unfortunately, I started watching the 700 Club again. Probably not the best choice, but I’m proud to say that I never declared 9/11 to be the fault of liberals’, abortionists’, or homosexuals’. It was the fault of a terrorist group (and maybe a little bit on the part of a belligerent administration.)

For the rest of that school year (01-02), my senior year, I continued watching, and continued believing. This went off and on, off and on. So as the days passed, I was still doing things that aren’t considered “right” by Christians. And still, I’m asking why God must be so strict and demanding.

And for a time, I completely put my faith out of my life. I lived as though I did before I ever had a real thought about religion, like back when I was a child. For the most part, I still considered myself saved (the Bible does give contradicting messages on this, doesn’t it?), and I would never do anything so heinous as to kill or rape; so I figured I was good. But my thoughts started to focus to others, to those who didn’t have salvation.

Then the time came. A friend of mine who is a non-believer was away in the Marines, so I had a lot of free time to sit around and thing (lots!). While not sure if I’m a believer in the supernatural (though I know any supposed supernatural phenomena in the Bible is false), ironically, it were ghost stories that finally made me really start to question religion and what it teaches.

It was during the week proceeding Halloween, that the Travel Channel had on a week of ghost stories. And so I watched. I saw stories of the spirits of people who were evil and murdered other people; people who were good natured, but may have done things a Christian wouldn’t have done; even the spirits of priests’ and monks’ – a God-fearing people! So, this made me think: how come these sprits’ are still in our world? Why are they not in either heaven or hell? Something isn’t making sense here.

Now, whether the reader is a believer of the supernatural (in most cases, not likely), the point of the significance of the stories were that they gave me some questions that no church could ever answer, really. Two of those were listed up above: the other…if indeed Christianity is valid, and all sinners who are unrepentant burn, how can a soul burn in hell? A soul is spiritual, your body physical. But of course, you can only feel physical pain with a body, and you don’t have your body anymore. I had the feeling I was living a lie. Soon, it would become concrete.

In the months that followed, I was left with the question: which religion was the correct one? It had to be one of them, right? So I would go on doing research, trying to find information to base a conclusion on. All I was given were venomous tirades from one religion to another, and vice versa. (Though there was one piece of info I got, though I didn’t understand it at the time; I do now. A Muslim raised the question: why do Christians’ call themselves monotheists’ when they worship a Trinity?) But other than that, I felt I was going nowhere.

I had given up my search when I came across a Deist website. I devoured every piece of knowledge I could read, finding answers o things that had plagued me for so long. That in turn, led to other Deistic websites with more wonderful information, and somehow to the website you’re reading this on now. At the websites, I learned about all the contradictions and inconsistencies of the Bible; I learned THE TRUE history of the Bible, and how it was truly “chosen” as the word of God; I learned of how Jesus said prayers would be answered, but too sadly, they are not (thanks to Bruce Monson on all the passages); I learned how Jesus most likely didn’t speak the words attributed to him in the New Testament; I learned how certain groups want to install theocratic government in the Unites States, and that it’s my duty to help stop them; I learned the Deist-influence on some of America’s Founding Fathers; I learned of all the unfulfilled prophecies; I learned of Thomas Paine and the Age of Reason; I learned the doctrine of Original Sin and the Trinity aren’t in the Bible, but are made up by men (well, the whole thing is except for small parts here and there, i.e. Christ’s crucifixion, if you believe he actually existed). All that and so much, much more have filled my heart and mind, allowing me to come to the conclusion that neither Christianity nor any of the other mad-made religions are correct. It freed me from fear and ignorance. It made me realize that I can live my life to make myself happy – not God, even if there is one; they may not be.

And there is be, my de-conversion story. I find myself wanting to share my newfound beliefs with as many people as possible, as to inoculate them from all religions. It’s not that I hate religious people (Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell are exceptions to the rule); I don’t, just religion. And no one should lead their life on something fraudulent. Finally, I heave learned that when people call religion a “crutch,” and a “fairy tale,” they are correct. That’s exactly what they are.

I think it’s appropriate to thank the webmasters of the following sites:
ExChristian.net (duh, of course =))
Deism.com
Deism.org
EvilBible.com
Sullivan-County.com/deism

Thank you all.

City: Sandusky
State: OH
Country: United States
Became a Christian: 15
Ceased being a Christian: 19
Labels before: Methodist
Labels now: Deist; sometimes Agnostic
Why I joined: Being young and impressionable; didn't think for myself
Why I left: I became smart, haha
Email Address: amkpantera at aol.com

My story starts when I first attended a church in San Dimas in 2000. Liked the group, the singing, the atmosphere. But I always afraid I wouldn't "fit in". The people at the San Dimas church has been kind and friendly (not pushy) to me. My troubles began when I joined a youth group at a make-shift church in Pomona.
Why did I want to go through this? I thought a deity (God) would enrich and enlighten me. Maybe it is the lure of instant gratification after seeing people (supposedly) have problem-free lives because of Jesus. After all, the Bible told stories how people were magically cured by Jesus. I was looking for the magic. At this point I already beat a bout of depression and I was tired of thinking that God was just an angry one.

Going to the Pomona church was a mistake. First of all, the weekly prayer of the youth group was "We are not worthy of God's love". How depressing is that? Not even my friend who attended the Sunday morning services there agreed with that! So I struggle to understand the Bible and how it is supposed to apply to me. Guess what, for the record, I NEVER saw my name (or names of anyone else I knew) in the Bible. I just didn't feel fulfilled. Maybe something was wrong with me.

Then came 9/11. I thought I could see Satan's face in the smoke when the World Trade Centers fell down. Turns out my boss was right, it was just an image I conjured up (and he's a Mormon!)

I immediately went to the Pomona church that night (or was it the night after, don't exactly remember) and the preacher, instead of being angry at the a******* that were responsible, he had the audacity of BLAMING America and for what? Distributing porn! Having sex! Yeah, the preacher said Americans deserved to be attacked. And I had to the be fool for offering my soul to God so God could use it to comfort others. I left the church very angry.

Soon after, the Pomona youth group shut down. Was I the cause? Probably not. Then I saw the Catholic Priest Scandal. People who were supposed to be the example of godly life abusing children. My trust in the Catholic church plummeted.

About Christmas 2002, I started attending Bible studies at a church in Arcadia. There I learned another belief that I completely disagree with: "Humans are evil-natured." Not very encouraging. Everything good came through Christ and as a result, humans can't do good. For the next year and a half, I struggled to make sense of this and other Biblical messages. Wasn't much inspiration to pray or to be in the spirit.

Here's what I disagree with Christianity:

* Humans are not inherently evil as born-againers would like us to believe. If we were given free choice, then we have the choice to do good. But good works can't measure up to a perfect standard (humans were imperfect to begin with: exhibit A, me, I had three open-heart surgeries). But who's standards? Since the Bible were written by people (a lot more people than the new revisions care to admit), we are forced to live to someone else's definition of perfection. By the way, who created evil? (It wasn't Adam and Eve, yet humans are supposedly guilty of it)

* What is the deal with this "born-again" anyway? Our first birth wasn't good enough? If there is a truth to God, it would be closer to my grandmother's "God doesn't make trash". If a deity couldn't get it right the first time...

* The Bible doesn't account for anyone outside the Middle East/Babylonia/Israel/Egypt. World travel was more tedious at the time and they didn't have the technology we enjoy today.

* The Bible can not believed literally. The Earth (and Universe) existed well beyond the Bible's time line.

* Supposedly, death is more important than life. That is all what Christians talked about: Jesus' death and sacrifice. Human life seemed unimportant. Yeah, in the grand scheme of things, human life is a spec, but since we are living it, it IS important.

* Can you imagine if a human father told his children "you are not worthy of my love, you are only getting it through grace", "you are inherently evil", and "if you don't return my love I'll make you suffer"? The father would be in the nut house! What terrible things to say to children, as they have enough of a struggle with their self-esteem (most of the children anyway).

Plus almost every time I thought about God, Jesus, the Bible, etc... I felt the world's guilt and it saddened. Wasn't "finding Jesus" supposed to be inspiring? Oh well. Not once I had the spirit "talk to my heart" even though the door has been open. Maybe I'm expecting too much? Or am I just missing the point.

So today I decide to let go of the unnessary guilt and sadness. Life is too short. I believe humans are just as necessary to life like dogs, cats, birds, and the rest.

Thanks for reading. I wish you nothing but the best.

Sex: Male
City: Azusa
State: CA
Country: USA
Became a Christian: 23
Ceased being a Christian: 27
Labels before: Two college youth groups.
Labels now: What labels, if any would you apply to yourself now? Human Being
Why I joined: 23, and maybe 26 (I said the prayer twice)
Why I left: 6/6/04 (official)

The first time I questioned the faith was when my grandmother shrivaled up in front of me for 6 month’s due to cancer. I was 13 & my mother & father was getting a divorce. My father told me i should have been aborted. I prayed to God but nothing fails like prayers. I continued going to church mostly because i felt i could help people with food. My desire was to help people in need. I was put out of a church because i argued with the preacher about giving food to a woman with 5 kids. He said she had been in 3 weeks ago & policy was people had to wait a month before returning. I ask him if this was god’s policy. He told me to get the hell out! My best friend tried to convince me to stay in the faith but 2 month’s later he was hit by a drunk driver. He was killed leaving behind a wife who was pregnant. He never seen his child. The love of god is so great.
I started writing books,designing websites,& music. 3 years ago my mother was sick from cancer & prayed to god to end her suffering. God did not come through so she killed herself. I spent 6 month’s in a children’s hospital watching over my sick baby. During this time i seen no faith healers. What i did see what babies dying & know Jesus or wonderful gospel music.

Now i will explain what i seen in church besides the pers. Stuff.I have witnessed Christians lie their ass off. I have seen them steal from one another. Most of them i have met are uneducated & brainwashed. I have researched & found no Jesus. Jesus is no more real that peter pan. I was christian for more than 15 years & never seen nor heard God. I have only observed the crap these people sell to children. It makes me sick how they push their shit on everyone & if the person does not bow they will defame that person. I have been on both sides. These people are like the borg off star trek.Christianity is a disease.Education is the cure.

Rest in peace Religion,

Come see Christians molesting kids & raping women also muslims killing each other...religion is crap!...also check out my book at http://godhatesyou.org

Sex: Male
URL: godhatesyou.orgCity: Festus
State: Missouri
Country: United States
Became a Christian: Brainwashed at birth
Ceased being a Christian: 6 years ago
Labels before: Baptist,Catholic,Pent,Tried everything but door knocking
Labels now: Reality Based Atheist
Why I joined: I was brainwashed as a child
Why I left: Something told me Santa was not coming.
Email Address: brett_keane at yahoo.com