I Couldn’t Find My Voice

I couldn’t find my voice. It felt like it had been sucked inside, coagulated like jam in a jar. I wanted to speak, but couldn’t. It wasn’t like the time I experienced a complete loss of my voice after watching The Killing Fields. It wasn’t shock. It was just stuck. I felt like I was waiting to find the right tool to pry off the top. To hear the Pop! and find my voice flowing freely again.

But maybe that wasn’t how it was going to be. Maybe I was going to have to scoop it out, spoonful by spoonful. It was actually sweetness, not horrific. So it was confusing because underlying the problem I knew I was going to find resistance, as well.

It wasn’t like I expected to be able to spread the jam onto nice, warm toast. But it felt more like I was just going to be throwing it into the toilet.

NOTE: I came to an incredible realization the morning after I wrote this.
It shows some of the kinds of things that help keep me motivated to write. Please see the next post, which I will hopefully have posted in the next day or so.

It’s Saturday the 6th, I am heading out to work in a few minutes, and I still don’t have it posted. Silly me. I don’t know why I thought I could tell people when it would be done. Another piece fell into place Friday night, so I will get it done as soon as I can!

2 Responses to I Couldn’t Find My Voice

Please don’t throw it in the toilet. I’d say take that spoon and stir it up! Maybe your voice is looking to be spread, but needs a “vehicle,” – a cookie, a cracker, a piece of toast. I don’t know anyone who eats the jam straight, spoonful by spoonful, so maybe that’s what’s calling to you – maybe to start a daily blog post/FB post that’s short and sweet?

I’m actually working right this moment on a project about Women’s Voices Rising, so I appreciate the synchronicity as well! <3

You are spot on with your first comment and thank you so much for everything you’ve shared here! I am definitely going to address the way it ended in my next post. I feel like it was important to end it that way and you will be able to see why soon!

I love your thoughts about the fact that no one eats jam with a spoon and the other kinds of ways that are available. And love hearing about the synchronicity with Women’s Voices Rising! I will let you know when the next post is done. I am speechless, in a good way, right now :–)