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Monday, December 5, 2011

Why I'm Still Single (Part Done)

A month later, Can-Can Boy was back - in full force, flirting and texting late at night, and asking me all about my life, and what I'd been doing with my life, and who I'm hanging out with, and why my best friend defriended him on facebook (cause you're an asshat, dumbshit).

About a week after she defriended him, I sent him a message letting him know I couldn't look at his face or facebook anymore, and since he wasn't all too fond of who I was becoming... that I was defriending him.

He didn't like that. He was actually really pissed off about it.

Well I had moved on, since clearly he had, and I felt the need to tell him.

Lucky for me I was dating a really smoking guy at the time. Group 3 People, Group 3. And I felt the need to divulge every lovely detail to Can-Can Boy. Sent him a picture via text of this guy, and if he even texted to see what was going on, I'd bring up New Guy. Bitter, why yes, that was the least of it. Grudge is actually my middle name.

New Guy was absolutely great if you're into the long distance/see you on the weekends kind of thing, but I realized something about 2 months in... I was dating him in order to wave my happy little relationship in Can-Can Boys face. He might have been gorgeous, but I wasn't all that 100% into him, and I just got out of the long distance thing a few months before and where most people would drool over him, all I wanted to do was find someone who could be there for me.

A few weeks after the break up, Can-Can Boy asked why I never brought up New Guy anymore, dumbly, I told him we broke up.

Can-Can Boy never really left me alone for more than 2 weeks after this.

And he had a 6th sense of when he could find me at my most vulnerable moments.

It's not like we were friends on facebook. He couldn't see all of this going down. Because after he got the new girlfriend (the blonde girl who kept popping up in pictures while we were "exclusive"). I blocked him. I didn't want to see him, and I didn't want him to see me.

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I tried to move on with my life.

But when the last person you loved just slammed the door in your face against your "kind of love" and potentially cheated when you have trust issues already, it's hard to let anyone else in again.

The emotional scars lasted for two-fucking-years. Every guy I dated afterwards could see them, like a fucking beacon shouting, "NOT LETTING YOU IN, TRY AGAIN!"

And then it got worse. Somewhere in my vulnerability, I started letting Can-Can Boy back in, again. What started off as, "let's just be friends" turned into one of the most fucked-up series of late-night sexts and emotional outpourings, which no one I know has even been able to match.

Every single weekend for nearly a year... he'd pop up, or I'd text him, because if no one else better was around, he was there.

And originally I thought, "he still loves me. He's going to break up with his girlfriend, and we'll get back together. He graduates soon!"

Nope.

Somewhere in the midst of all of these late night texts he was sending me, he proposed.... to his girlfriend.

That didn't stop him from still sexting me, while he had a fiance.

I didn't find out about the fiance till a month later, after a month full of texts that should they ever find their way to her computer... would make her eyes bleed.

Who does that? Tiny fucked up men, that's who (I dont mean tiny in the sense that you're thinking, I mean someone who doesn't have the balls to stick with their decisions. Men without honor or dignity or morals).

I tried to to cut it off. I told him he had to stop texting me at night. If he wanted to be friends, we could be friends, but that meant daytime-texts only. None of this late night bullshit anymore. He was engaged to be married. The sanctity of marriage is something I don't mess with. I went out with a married guy, ONCE, and that was because I didn't know he was married until he told me on the date.

But did Can-Can Boy's new engagement stop him? Nope.

What stopped him for a short while was a post on my blog, where I mentioned that maybe his girlfriend would like to see all of those sexts he sent me.

He flipped. He freaked. And he texted me in a panic asking me to delete everything he had sent me.

It hit me like a NHL Defenseman cross checking me into the boards, when I was focusing on the puck.

He had wanted to have me sextually, but he wanted her to have everything else.

That was the hardest part.

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From all the scarring, and through all of this... I developed a really unfortunate side-effect.

For the last year and a half, if the need to be serious with someone reared its nasty little head, I would indulge... in guys I can't have. Guys who can't emotionally damage me, because they never get past the gate.

For starters, I am really good at being the other woman.

It evolved from not being able to trust anymore, so why not be with ones I know are completely untrustworthy from the start? At least then I know not to trust them with anything other than my presence.

(1). I do not run around with married guys. That's not my bag of tea, personally, but (2) everyone else is fair game.

At last check I have been in two, 9-month-plus affairs with guys who both have serious girlfriends.

Next, I am a champion of the long distance if-you-were-here-we'd-be-together-thing.

Back before chatroulette got 100% sketch I met some pretty interesting characters... some of who I still talked to on a weekly if not daily basis through Skype. These all turned into phone calls and texting and promises of visits across the country, which I never planned on actually doing.

I did recently shut all these down, because long distance is wrong distance for me, and it just got cruel to lead them around on a string, hoping.

Finally, I didn't invest in just one guy anymore. My heart couldn't afford it. Through the past couple of years, I've dated some really great guys, with great jobs, great aspirations, great dreams, and great personalities, who want to shower me with love and never ending adoration, but I dated them all at the same time in varying levels of seriousness. Because while my heart is over the moon, my head closed them out.

To be honest there were 3 guys who didn't have to share me at the time I dated them, because I honestly liked them... The Masseuse, Dicky MacDickerson, and Mr. Quirky, but if I felt one of them starting to get serious. I would find something to shove in their face and break it off.

Being good at ending things with people is not an admirable quality to have.

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But I'm done with that. The Friday night before Halloween this year was an ugly, ugly wake-up call. Hoss still asks me if I'm going to have another "episode" whenever I walk into his bar.

Lucky for me, I have some amazing friends, who have smacked me into reality and who really take care of me.

I dont know what Sam texted Can-Can Boy to make him stop texting me finally, but I do know that all those texts he asked me to delete... all those pictures are saved in my old Palm Pre Plus. If he tries anything funny again (Text me again. I dare you)... I've got dated pictures from after he was engaged that can find their way to little miss blondie's computer faster than you can say, "hi."

I know it's low - it's questionable black-mail, and he might have something of mine that I wouldn't like out in the ether, but I'm tired of being used.

Note of warning - only sext people you trust, and you didn't screw over.

I'm tired of looking to the past. The future is the only thing I have left.

4 comments:

I'm glad this ended the way it did. Or maybe begins the way it does, since it's not really an ending. It's great that you are ready to move forward and refuse to let someone else's shit interfere with your happiness. I could learn a lesson or two from that. :)

You might have noticed that I've read the posts in this series without comment. I was hoping for a positive ending. Whew!

I like the redemption and I like the walls coming down and I like you.

I hope no-walls guy is fantastic and turns out to be just the right kind of guy to let in!

But if it doesn't work out exactly the right way, I also hope you keep moving forward into positive things. I know it's hard. You've seen my twitter so you can see for yourself I know hard times. But you are kick-ass and deserve the sort of happiness that doesn't leave you with any regrets. Keep going, amazing lady!

Thank you SassyMarmalade! It's time I stopped letting my hold ups cut me off from being who I'm supposed to be. He might have messed me up for a while, but it's time to move on. Good riddance, bad rubbish.

Paul you're just the sweetest! Thank you! So far so good. And when it turns not so good. I've got a pair of kick-ass boots to help me kick ass and take names.... and phone numbers, lol!

Heyyyy LoRo!! I have been secretly (well secret to you because you didn't officially know until right now)reading your blog for a while now...and I not so secretly love it. I haven't commented before, but I want you to know that I found this series of posts to be heartbreaking and beautiful. You're an extremely engaging writer and I'm seriously so impressed. I wish you all the luck an ALL of your future endeavors (romantic and otherwise). LML

About Me

LoRo is from a small town in Texas, where saying sir, and ma'am come second nature and holding open doors for everyone is a way of life.
Six years ago, she heard the call of the District and couldn't pry herself away after college. So she's made herself a home here - in The District of Ya'llumbia.
The District of Ya'llumbia is a state of mind. It's the journey of a small town girl living life in a "big city."