Amaar: [on phone] Mom, stop it with the guilt. No, don't put dad on! I've been planning this for months it's not like I dropped a bomb on 'im. Oh dad thinks it's suicide? So be it; this is Allah's plan for me.

Woman: Oh my …

Amaar: I'm not throwing my life away, I'm moving to the Prairies!

Mayor Popowicz: Sarah, you're supposed to spin the news, not be the news!

Mayor Popowicz: I can work with the truth.

Sarah and Popowicz: But only as a last resort.

Yasser: Yes, this is a good one: "Reverend, I would like to run a mosque out of your parish hall. Would you like to tell Jesus or should I?"

Amaar: How am I supposed to prepare for Ramadan when the whole town's in an uproar. What were you people thinking?

Fatima: This is that convert Sarah's fault. Tell me: aren't goats more traditional than cucumbers?

Amaar: You've lost me.

Amaar: Can't a Muslim book a one-way flight these days without someone having to call their supervisor?

Rayyan: I thought you'd drag us into the modern world. Or at least the 11th century.

Amaar: Yes, so did I. That's why I gave up being a lawyer

Rayyan: Oh. And there I thought you just sucked at that too.

Amaar: You can't just sue people for no reason. Well, all right, you can but I'm not doing that anymore!

Reverend Magee: It may have been God who said "Let there be light!" but it's me who pays the electric bill.

Reverend Magee: Christianity hasn't lasted two thousand years by being charitable.

Amaar: You can't pretend to be Christian.

Reverend Magee: Actually you can. Half my congregation does.

Fred: I wouldn't waste a braincell trying to find out.

Fatima: Yes. I'd imagine you are in short supply.

Sarah: I don't remember much about growing up Anglican but I must've been there.

Sarah: Don't we have a New Testament hanging around somewhere around here?

Yasser: New Testament?

Sarah: Yeah or an Old Testament?

Yasser: If we had a new testament surely I would have thrown the old one.

Fatima: It will help your back, and your colon.

Fred: What's wrong with my colon?

Fatima: You're full of crap.

Yasser: My seat smells. Is that why they call it a "pew"?

Reverend Magee: [Explaining how the Muslims can't pass off as Anglicans] And the way they all stood up, with such vigor! No, no, no, no, no! [He demonstrates] The older... congregants jump right up, as though we just opened up the buffet. And then, some of them lag behind because they're stone-deaf. And then there's always the ones who just draaaaag themselves up like teenagers who've been asked to do the dishes. Now, let's try it again, let's get this perfectly wrong...

[Fred is covered in warts]

Fatima: What is wrong with you?

Fred: Well, I've managed to narrow it down to a couple of possibilities: African killer bees, or a killer African!

Yasser: When is Easter?

Sarah: April.

Yasser: That's when Baby Jesus sees his own shadow, right?

[Fatima just pulled Fred's back into place]

Fred: Fatima sweetheart? That lotion crap you gave me for my back was only to soften me up so you could fix me, right?

Baber: We... had this fight about my toenails... I-It's not important!

Fred: You always think people are trying to hypnotize you. Remember last year at the talent contest?

Joe: Yeah, but that guy was a hypnotist!

Fred: Ventriloquist!

Joe: Yeah but the dummy... those eyes...

Mayor Popowicz: What is he talking about? Is there a beheading issue? [...] Sara cares very much about her Muslim sisters. I've never seen you interacting with them, but I'm sure you care on some level.

Fred: Well here's my idea: first thing we need is an angry mob...

Sarah: Found it!

Fred: I knew there had to be a law against burkas!

Sarah: No, a law against marigolds.

Fred: Is that some kind of weird Muslim thing?

Sarah: No, the flower. I hate marigolds. In 1927 they banned them on Main Street.