If you could see yourself

My ex boyfriend used to have sex with me whilst I was asleep. Half the time I had woke up, but passed out soon after from pain. I have been left with internal scarring which sometimes affects me and my current boyfriends sex lives. He used to try force me off my pill because he wanted a child for the benefit money. He also stopped me from seeing my friends, and sometimes hurt me.
He now has a new girlfriend, and got her pregnant within a week, and they now live off benefits with their new child.
I'm finding it difficult to get over the past, even though I have someone who is helping me so well. Is there any sort of closure I could get? Was it abuse, or me being sensitive?

Thanks for your message. In answer to your question, yes that was abuse.

If your ex used to have sex with you whilst you were asleep and you did not consent then that was rape. To be clear, rape is when a man forces his penis into the mouth, anus or vagina of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'. You can find out more about rape and sexual assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult. If your ex was also trying to control you and was violent, those are also signs of emotional and physical abuse.

If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a parent or other relative, a close friend, or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

You can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information. You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted.

27/02/2013

Kirby

22/02/2013

I had alcohol, and my boyfriend took me upstairs to bed, i fell asleep and woke up to him having sex with me.

On other occcasions i was falling asleep and he would roll me over, i would pretend to be asleep so he would stop, but he would have sex with me, and he believed i was asleep because he denies it ever happening

Rape is when a man forces his penis into the mouth, anus or vagina of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a crime and it should be reported. Please understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.

If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information. You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

I think these adverts are doing a good service but have you thought that perhaps you should show that the woman can also be the abuser? Without that are you not discouraging men to come forward if they've been abused if they think no one will believe them?

We are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign. We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight.

To be clear, the objective of this campaign is to help both boys and girls spot the signs of abuse in relationships and raise awareness of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships.

It’s good that the campaign is prompting you to ask questions and seek more information.

We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

i was 15 the guy i was dating was 18 its a 3 year difference so we were kissing and then he got really excited i told him lets go downstairs he grippped me pushed me on the bed he was really heavy i was stuck i felt like i was drowning

after the rape he left the room and every nnight he comes and rapes me plzzz help me

Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape. It is a crime and it should be reported. Please understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

If this has happened to you, it’s important to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.

If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pmIf you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

18/02/2013

izoeli

15/02/2013

when i was in year 10 i was in a relation ship with a college guy he was 17 i was 15

once he came over to mine with all his friends they were 4 of them so i let them in i was home alone they were drunk i was sitting on the sofa and they sat next to me

at first i thought that is was ok but it wasnt they start touching me on my boobs and laughing then one tried to kiss me and fel on top of me and thats when it happened i got raped and next day in school they were calling me a slut

Hi Izoeli.
Thank you for posting and we are so sorry to hear about this distressing incident from your past. We think it is really important that even though this may have happened some time ago, you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.

Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape. It is a crime and should be reported. Please understand that this was not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.

If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pmIf you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

16/02/2013

Joanna

15/02/2013

I am in my 50's now but at the age of 16 I was raped by an older man whilst on holiday in cleethorpes. Some may say my own fault "I did for so long" I met him in an arcade playing pool with two guys who worked there, I metioned I wanted to be on stage singing and dancing and the old guy moved in...he was supposedly the manager of the caravan park, asked me to go with him for interview he could perhaps give me a job. Being a vunerable 16 yr old I jumped at the chance and went with him expecting to go to an office to be interviewed instead he took me to a caravan where he said he needed to pick up papers he invited me in and I have to say at this point I was a bit apprehensive but went in anyway. He closed the door and locked it with several locks hesaid he would interview me there and was locking the door as not to be disturbed by anyone. He asked me personal questions like what bra size I was and lift bmy skirt so he can see my legs as his girls have to have nice legs for on stage, all the time this was happening I knew it was wrong but too afraid to fight it as I was afraid for my life I knew the door was locked and I couldn't get out. Anyway he went on to rape me anyne walking by the caravan could see in as he didn't close the curtains and I did infact see people walk by but was too afraid to call out, I just wanted to get out in one piece. when he had finished he took me back to the arcade, I was in shock and told my friend who had stayed behind I wanted to go back to our caravnan...the two workers knew what he had done without me saying anything...how do I know this, beofre we left for the interview they had said "give over she's a kid"on my return they shook their heads and said to him ÿour a bas***d" I told only my friend who said it was my fault and went back home ashamed after two month I was told by my mother I was pregnant and taken to the doctors, then to the hospital for an abortion. I have gone on to make a success of my life but I learnt the hard way. Most girls these days are more aware of the dangers but there are those who still put themselves in harms way...what message I would like to put out to girls is if it doesn't feel right walk away listen to your gutt feelings they are never wrong. That man was never reported by me and often I feel bad about that cos I feel I wasn't his first victim nor his last.

last year I was in a relationship with someone and I'm not sure if what he did was against the law... he started acting interested in me after my Dad was diagnosed with a rare and incurable blood cancer and I was a mess, so he told me to come to his and he'd make me feel better. So I went to his house and it ended up being the first time we had sex. We were just kissing and then he started taking off my clothes, so I told him I didn't want to have sex with him as we weren't even together and it was way too soon for me, but he wouldn't get off and said it was fine so we ended up having sex. After that he asked me out and I said yes because I was scared of being alone. He mostly ignored me unless he wanted to have sex and if I didn't want to he told me he'd leave me if I didn't or actively tried to make me jealous by talking about all the other girls he could have. Eventually he dumped me and told me he only went out with me to do me a favor when I was having a bad time and that he'd been sleeping with my friend the entire time we were together. I don't know if this was illegal because I didn't physically push him off me the first time and I didn't say no other times... I just want to know if him making me feel like that is really allowed.

We are so sorry to hear about this distressing incident from your past. We think it is really important that even though this may have happened some time ago, you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.

Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape. It is a crime and should be reported. Please understand that this was not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.

If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pmIf you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999

15/02/2013

Amanda

14/02/2013

I was "in a relationship" with a man who was a lot older than me.

I didn't realise at the time what was happening, I was only in my early teens when it started and I thought I was so clever, I thought I understood exactly what was happening.

I was wrong, and it was only as I got older I realised just how sick and twisted the "relationship" was.

Young girls out there, heed my warning! Don't listen to men, telling you you're like a woman already, telling you that age doesn't matter because it does! You think you are mature enough and you think that you know enough, but you don't, and you won't realise it until it's too late.

I think that people who rape others are just desperate noone should have to suffer like that. we all have a choice. i am only 14 and i know that it is wrong. My boyfriend would never even think about something like that and if you do not trust the person you are with. it means its time to move on. A a 14 year old girl it can be tough but i know i have a choice and a say. So do you

To be clear - the law says that rape can only be committed by a man as for the offence to be committed there must be intentional penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus of another person with a penis.

However a woman can be convicted of sexual assault, which includes other sexual acts (e.g. intentional penetration of the vagina or anus of another person with a part of her body or an object). Both rape and assault are crimes and can result in imprisonment. You can read more about rape and sexual assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult.

Also drugs and alcohol are never the cause of rape or sexual assault. It is the attacker who is committing the crime not the drugs and/or alcohol.

13/02/2013

Jake

07/02/2013

My friend and his girlfriend are both 17 and are in a happy relationship, and they have sex on a regular basis. They started their relationship when they were both 15. Is this rape or abuse, because sex with someone under sixteen is illegal? Just to be clear, they were both consenting, but have they commited a crime by doing it at 15?

To be clear; the definition of rape is when a man forces his penis into the mouth, anus or vagina of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime.

So if your friends both consented to have sex and were both under 16 at the time, that is not rape, but you are right, sex with any girl/boy under 16 is unlawful. If you want more information, you should visit the NSPCC on http://www.nspcc.org.uk/.

12/02/2013

Generation

07/02/2013

I think children should know what rape is as young as possible, but the problem is also parents do not want to ruin their childs mind with something so horrible. An eight year old girl in Mexico was raped and gave birth age nine. I find it disgusting. However even if a child knows what rape is, they still wont fully understand the situation or what to do. And I agree if you tell your child about rape age six, then you need to tell them of murder and it ruins the poor childs mind. Though I do think all parents should tell their children at age six "If anyone touches you ___ here ___ here or ___ here, to get away from them and come to me or someone I trust." And point to where people should not touch. So they don't know the horrid details but they know it is a "no no" and to get away.

I'm not a rape victim but I have been sexually pestered.

I do find it very angering that only men can technically rape. Women can only sexual assault. Yet women are always the "victime". Heck a women can rape a man and then claim he raped her. I love this website it spreads awareness and I hope anyone sexually harassed or raped be it male or female get help and spread awareness more.

I had boys harass me to show them my bare breasts and to be allowed to touch them and I was lucky no rape occured. Sadly I believe these people /know/ it is wrong, but they simply do what they want and state otherwise. If someone is crying, screaming and seriously saying no, no means no. It doesn't take a genious to stop. Uness both consent, don't do it. Not rocket science and rapists are just....vile creatures who need to be stopped.

My friend is 15 years old and has a boyfriend who is 19 he always forces her into having sex and now has got her pregnant, she doesnt want to tell anyone and doesnt want me to tell anyone is there anyway i can help her. As he also beats her and stabs her, i really worried also because noone has seen her in a few weeks what should i do :(??????

Your friend is being abused and they may need professional help and your encouragement and support to help to stop it. Tell your friend when you see her that you are worried about them and let them know that the abuse is not their fault, it’s unacceptable and that support is available.

It can be useful to think up a code word that they can use on the phone to let you know they need help. Don't ignore the issue if you think it is happening. When you try to talk to them, try not to make them feel judged as it takes courage to admit abuse. Encourage them to talk to a trusted adult, and if their boyfriend has been violent or forced them to have sex, encourage them to talk to the police. You shouldn’t confront their partner on your own and neither should your friend.

If your friend wants to speak to someone in confidence encourage them to contact Childline on 0800 11 11 they can also go to www.childline.org.uk where you they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

And if you still haven't seen your friend and are getting increasingly worried, you should contact the police.

12/02/2013

Madeline

06/02/2013

We just had a talk about relationships in school, and the teacher showed us a few clips from this website. I don't know about other people in my class but it really helped me understand what abuse really is. I never thought that it could be this severe. I'm quite young so i've never really worried much about this. I'm really thankful to you for opening my eyes because without this website i'd probably still be unaware of the risks. This website has helped me to take precautions when i go out to parties with my friends, which is to make sure i never go somewhere with a stranger or distant friend just incase. I'm now a lot more careful about who i trust. I really think that this information should be given to every young person, because my friend went to a party and her drink was spiked, she was raped by a distant friend and was unaware of what he was doing because she was severly drunk, she remembers nearly nothing of the experience but says that what she does remember horrifies her. Unfortunatly she did not know anything about abuse or any other of this crucial information. She is also now expecting, and the boy wants nothing to do with it. She has told members of her family and they are so supportive of her. But because of this it's probably ruined her career aspects because she was hoping to go to university. Abuse is not only wrong but it can ruin people's lives! All she hopes to do now is pass this information on so that everyone is aware of the dangers and risks of abuse, not only physically but emotionally aswell. Thank you so much for the help! You've taught me so much, i just hope someday everyone will be free from abuse.