a story by me

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this is based on my friend ryan (cheeseman,) and hanson (his sidekick)
im expecting alot of flaming becasue thsi has nothing to do with doom ...not to mention that its one of my stories, which are notorious at my school for being extremely weird

Kenneth Allen Burdge III
-11/15/y3k

The Adventures of Cheeseman

Chapter 1: unnamed (name subject to change)

August,3.uh...year.:no signs of criminal suspects at the scene of the crime that wasn't comitted yet, but suposedly will." exclamed Cheeseman to Hansen.
"but cheeseman if there are no signs of criminals anywhere, why are we here?" asked hansen in his annoying little voice.
"because overly-abused-sidekick-boy, just because" said Cheeseman in this best Adam west imitation, which really wasn't very good. "I had a hunch there would be something going on here tonight!",
"you do know we're at the police station right?" "precicely overly-abused-sidekick-boy, I intercepted a transmission, a transmission from our arch-nemesis...Fidel Hussein, ruler of Cubraq, the only country in the world that's mysteriously made of two regions, split apart and both in completely different time zones. And i'm sure that it was authntic since it said, across the screen at the bottom-this is an authentic message from fidel hussein, you are not being tricked-"
"well actually Cheeseman, he's your arch-nemesis, i just work in your department at work remember, i'm only your sidekick becasue you said i'd get money."
"right you are overly-abused-sidekick-boy, now if i remember correctly Hussein said in the transmission that he would run in the police station, bare-handed, and rob all of the money from the second floor. ingenius, yet in a diabolical sorta way, dontcha think?"
"no actually i dont think so cheeseman, i think you were fooled!" said hansen
"why so overly-abused-sidekick-boy?"
"well for one thing, there is no money in the police station, the police always go to the bar and get wasted after getting thier paychecks. Secondly there is no second floor on the police station, the city is too cheap to pay for bathrooms for crying out loud!" Hansen exclaimed as he pointed to the little brown house with a moon on the door out back.
"Overly abused-sidekick-boy, that makes no sense, if it was fake then why would it have said this is an authentic tran..." Cheeseman suddenly got cut off by the sound of the t.v. screen recieving a message from comissioner Ded Furst.
"yo wussup, we got trouble in da bank on da corner of 5th and 17th street. get your -beeps- over there chumps" shshshshshshshshs- end transmission-.
"well it seems hussein tricked us Overly-abused-sidekick-boy, you have to start paying attention to these things." Cheeseman said as he shook his head in disaproval. "to the Cheesemobile"
"were already in the car, Cheeseman" said Hansen.
'I see...well go then"
"your driving Cheeseman."
"...oh" And he floored it, But by the time he got there, the poopitrators were gone. "darn I knew we shouldn't have stopped to help that cat out of the tree, he obviously didn't want to come down."
"now what Cheeseman?" Hansen said in his ussual confused tone.
"we go to "Taco bell", and then after i use the john, we go back home to the "Unnamed Cave, We really gotta find a name for that place overly-abused-sidekick-boy, start thinking,"
"Lumpy-limberger cheeseman, i think i've got it."
"A name for the cave?"
"no The west nile virus, i just felt the conversation was going a little dry,"
"Good call overly-abused-sidekick-boy, now to the unnamed-cave"

crapter ...Chapter 2 (oh boy!) also unnamed

upon entering the unamed cave (name subject to change) Alfredo the old butler with hemmoroids informed cheeseman of a postcard, an especially evil looking postcard according to Alfredo, that read as follows:

(front side: map to fidel hussein's secret hidout known as the hobohole with a sign "wish you were here")

dear cheeseman and dumb kid whose name i cant remember, i am plotting something evil, something so evil its not very nice, buya grandma. how do you like them apples hmmm? washington red deilicious hahaha...ha. anywho, i have enclosed a copy of my secret plan to take over the world step by step, just so you can see what ill never let you see. mad are you? hahaha you stupid american you make me laugh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, ha. i spit on you and your country, katuuuuueeeee. oh poo i missed.

"freaking fragments of those little round pieces of gouda in the wax they sell at the store cheeseman, he forgot my name again"
"yes that hussein is a crafty fellow alrighty, just look at that he remembered to sign and THEN print his name, crafty fellow indeed. except for the fact that he included the plans and the return address."
"so uh should we like, you know, try to stop him or sumthin cheeseman, or just go get pizza?"
"deep dish?" asked cheeseman
"oh yeah"
"lets go!"
Three hours later after stuffing thier faces, the two crustacious crusaders try to unravel the evil masterminds plan. "so overly-abused-sidekick boy, uh who won last night?"
"the mankees."
"heh those poor yets fans...oh yeah the plans d'oh! Lets just see what this says ahem (caughs):ta, ta, heee, taheee...um what does that say hansen?"
"it says "THE" cheeseman"
"riiight...youd better read this my eyes are getting sleepy!" Cheeseman exclaimed as we yawned so loud it even looked fake.
"your eyes are gettting sleepy?"
"shuttup and read boy, or youll get a whoopin'"
"right cheeseman, ...oh no cheeseman it says...it says,
"what is it overly-abused-sidekickboy? they're going to kidnap you and hold the world for ranson money?" Guessed cheeseman
"...how'd you know that? those are the exact words!"
"oh i read it in the script, the auther said if i tell anyone i'd have to take those cynide pills."
"which cynide pills were those Cheeseman?"
"the ones i placed in your medication bottle while you were sleeping."
"...I dont take medication, Alfredo does."
"whooops, oh well they'll work him back into the script, they always do."said cheeseman reassuringly
"so should we go stop hussein?
"no overly-abused-sidekickboy, i have a better plan. this says they will try tonight, i say we let them capture you, then the government will pay ranson money, ill follow you and get the money from hussein. simple as pie."
"22/7 or 3.14?"
"ive had enough or your mouth boy, take this: ...(POW), "
"ow my eye! cheeseman that hurts"
"i hit you in the leg,"
"ow my arm."

The dermotogical duo constructed a clever plan, where hansen sits outside and goes with hussein willingly,and cheeseman waits out back having a smoke (well hansen thinks hes going to wait attentavly and follow, like thats gonna happen, sh' a right!). As husseins vehicle approaches hansen speaks into the transmitter/reciever/tracker thingy, "Cheeseman they're here"
"yeah ok whatever"
"your gonna follow me right?" long pause "right???"
"yeah uh-huh"
"good that makes me feel reassured" And husseins herniatic henchmen (??) jump out of the truck with bats and silly string... "hey guys im overly-abused-sidekickboy, im willing to go peacefuly, OUCH" aparently husseins guys wont take no for an answer. As they just keep hitting him.ocasionally spraying on him (hehe).
"Dah ok boss, we got her" said the first guy
"good bring him back." and at that they threw him in the back of thier gettaway automobile, and floored it. Then Cheeseman finally realized what was going on and after a quik nap, and some nachos, and of course a bathroom break, checked the follower thingy on the scamorza screen, and realized that husseins hideout was right next door.
"oh yeah thats what that sign meant!" he looked over to the nextdoor neighbors house and saw a sign that said: Fidel husseins secret hideout. anyone but cheeseman and that other guy may enter. "darn, it says i cant come in. but hansens in there so i guess i can come too." So he just jumped the fence, and since the door was unlocked, he just waltzed right in."
Hussein said "why are you dancing you moron?"
"i waltzed right i, get it? huh? well do ya?"
"that was so dumb i cant even coment on it!" said hussein with an obvious amount of disgust in his voice.
"but you just commented on it, you said it was dumb."
"shutup you fool, now observe as we torture your little buddy, hahahahahaha"
Cheeseman looked at his crotch and said: "i dont see you torturi..oh you mean overly-abused-sidekick boy, go ahead, see if i care." And cheeseman just turned his head and yawned thinking -ill jsu tuse some of that there sychocology, that will get him...or was that reverse sychocology? no no it was forward.- "go ahead"
overly abused-sidekickboy was all tied up in ropes at the other end of the room awaiting his fate. what that fate was shocked him so horribly he couldnt even move, he just looked like a petrified log, a very scared petrified log. for his torture was being exposed to nude pictures of ken starr that hussein just had, ahem, lying around.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO", screamed cheeseman "they took away the pictures, c'mon i wanted to see those. gosh darn. thats it hussein for that your going down!"
"no im not." Cheeseman couldnt think of a comeback for that so he just grabbed his petrified log, er i mean sidekick, and ran home. repeating over and over again what a dumb thing he did.
"i cant believe i left the front door open, now they might get the sniffles."

chapter 4, stuff happens...or does it¿

Wallowing (?) in his own defeat...Cheeseman, carying his little provolone pal, walked home.
"I have to get hussein back for that...I need Overly-abused-sidekick-boy for that, he does all the work! I know! i'll give him some medication, Alfredos not dead yet, he MUST have something. "Oh Alfredo." screamed Cheeseman like a banshee, Alfredo came in and was po'd, he had to get drawn back in because he died earlier from Cheeseman's carelessness..and he had a mean hangover.
"What do you want sir? im a little testie today, I have diarhea and constipation at the same time!" complained Alfredo in his heavy english accent.
"Hanson has a headache, give him something to get rid of it."
"Yes, um...give him some of this." Alfredo handed cheeseman a little orange bottle.
"Alfredo isn't this...?"
"No sir of course not." said Alfredo, swiftly cutting Cheeseman off."Just give it to him."
"..uhhoook, but i could've sworn this was the bottle I put the cyni..."
"Quite alright sir, we all make mistakes" reassuring Cheeseman. He took the bottle and attempted to open it
"Darn child proof locks" ...after struggling for a little while he got it opened and he emptied its contents into Overly-abused-sidekick boy's mouth "That should do it." suddenly hanson woke up.
"Holy halitosis cheeseman, I'm alive...I think im alive, this isn't a dream right?
"well if it's a dream then it'll hurt when i hit you, is that how it goes? oh well." SLAP
"Holy crap Cheeseman, that hurt i...guess..that thi sis a...dream." They just stood there looking at each other becasue the catchphrase had no reference to cheese in it. "Anyway, it hurt. Say if his is a dream..."
"If this is a dream" say cheeseman in a rather dull tone.
"No, no Cheeseman i didnt mean to actually say that, i was going to finish the sentance. anywho, if this is a dream then i can fly!" Overly-abused-sidekick boy then ran to the pole of provolone and went up (who wthats physically possible i dont know but he
did it) to the Cheeseroof, ran to the edge and jumped off. "WHEEEEE!!!" *\SPLAT/* "wow that was rather painful, but fun! lets do it again...well maybe not, whats in that stuff anyway?"
"You got me. lets go kick hussein's mother ****ing rear-end."
"Cheeseman you filthy little ****, this is s'posed to be rated for every one, watch your language. Rear-end what were you thinking? Al gores gonna be all over us...and thats not a good thing, believe me i know from experience. so should we like, you know, get in the cheesemobile and stop hussein?
"Overly-abused-sidekickboy what are you smoking? have you seen that towering pile of parking tickets? I dont think we're legally allowed to drive that thing anymore. unless we pay the tickets, or go to jail."
"Heh heh you know that'll never happen, ha us go to jail." they just laughed out loud for a while.and cheeseman said
"lets just walk." So the walked, and walked, and walked some more...for about 20 feet, then they were there at last.
"hey cheeseman, lets take the back door and sprise them.
"No they'd expect that, we'll suprise them by taking the front door." so they burst in and yelled "BOO, i guess we've got you now hussein, i...uh, hey where did everybody go¿
"They went to Jasons furniture in ocean, for all your furniture needs, wow cheeseman why did i say that¿ asked hanson in his dumbfounded tone. it seemed that noone was in the room.
"Hmmm i wonder where they...?" Cheeseman was suddenly cut off by the sound of hussein and his henchmen laughing behind them. apparently they were hiding in the bushes outside with hopes of scaring the droppings out of them. then hanson suddenly blurted out.
"Holy hampster fecies cheeseman, i think i just got the runs in my tights. Uh-oh i think that medication's side-effects are kicking in." he then collapsed.
"So those are the cynide pills!" Then husseins henchmen charged at him, only two of them but they were big. Just then Cheeseman took out the B.C.G ...THE BIG CHEESE GUN (echo, echo) he fired it off right when hanson decided to wake up.
He said "hey, im not dead what a relief." but unfortunately he scared cheeseman and made him miss, and there was no ammo left. So cheeseman just starred at Overly-abused-sidekick boy with a mad look in his eye.
"Hey cheeseman why are you looking at me like you're going to stuff me in the BCG and then shoot me at hussein¿" Cheeseman then replied
"Well thats not what i was thinking but good idea!" so he grabbed hanson and stuffed him in the gun, aimed for his arch-nemesis's head and shot.
Moments later when the smoke cleared cheeseman realised what a bad shot he had, it turns out he hit him in the crotch. then overly-abused-sidekick boy just stood there rubbing his head saying, "that was somewhat painful, but im ok."
"Cheeseman sadi "darn, oh well better luck next time, i'll go call the police." So the cops came and took them away.

Guest Doom4Ever

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yeah i know...i should really spend a little more time proff reading, but some were misspelt on purpose. what did you think? was it incredibly painful? did you stop after hearing the dumb title? or was my name too long for you? printed out this is 5 pages

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Guest God of Damn

Guest God of Damn

Here is a report I wrote in 11th grade, I went to an alternative
high school.

PLEASE RECYCLE

Cemetaries, whats the fucking point, what are people thinking. Why in the hell do people reserze dirt for dead bodies, and why spend money on them,.... there dead. Does it make you feel better knowing they'll be rotting in luxury in there pretty coffen? Thank god we're the only species on this planet that takes up space with dead bodies, or there would be knowhere to go without desecrating someones corpse.

What do people do in them anyways, visit corpse?, play hide and go seek?, talk to the gravel? Anyways visiting someones grave isn't going to give you special afterlife telecommunication rights, there not going to here what you have to say just because your 6ft. away from a decomposing body. But maybe the maggets will hear you, I'm sure there concerned about your feelings toward there meal.

If someone wants to be buried in a graveyard because they want to be remembered by having
a fucking tombstone saying when they were born and when they died is a fucking moron and should fuck off. The only people who are going to remember them, are the people who in some way knew them. Not the people who happen to be passing by and stop to read there very informative tombstone.

And why is a cemetary considered sacred ground or holy ground or whatever the fuck it's refered to as. Is it special because people rot there, or is it because the maggots like to lay there eggs there. And am I disrespecting the corpses or the maggots when I intrude on there sacred soil. Do the dead bodies get angry when someone pisses on there extravagant dirt. Well atleast we're not rotting in it, or attracting necrophile parasites.

Well atleast it makes most people happy knowing they can always have a place to go to visit dead bodies, and put nice pretty flowers on there graves to die also. Thank God we have access to wastelands of corpses, and decomposing all you can eat maggot infested buffets.