Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Wednesday: It's Chock-Full of Mid-Week Deliciousness!

Good news!

I found my sunglasses:

They'd been sitting in there since Monday night.

I live on a quiet street.

Then, after dropping my 17 kids off at child labor summer day camp (their adorable little hands are ideal for making Specialized clothing and accessories), I took a little detour to do some backroads Big Dummy hill climbs while the temperature was still under 90 degrees:

(Crotch cam!)

I don't understand the logic of Freds who "train" on crabon bikes with crabon wheels, because where do you go from there? On the other hand, when you spend 90% of your time riding a Big Dummy in flip-flops (fuck yeah, I ride my Big Dummy in flip-flops, it's hot as balls out and I gave up on life years ago), the next time you get on a Fred bike you'll feel faster than an olive oil-drenched Cipo on his way to an orgy.

Yesterday I didn't have my sunglasses and my eyes were burning out of my skull as I attempted to dock a Citi Bike in Brooklyn in the thick of a heatwave. Every week I do the same Citi Bike schlep from Brooklyn Heights to DUMBO (Douches Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass), but for the first time my usual dock was full. So was the next closest dock. And so was the next-next closest dock. So now I was stuck with a Citi Bike and nowhere to put it. The Citi Bike app? No help:

(The Citi Bike app is useless as a bra on a cow. Or a nosering on a pig. Look, I don't know, I didn't grow up on a fucking farm, OK?)

By this point I was ready to sell the Citi Bike to a passer-by for $50 and then report my credit card stolen. Suddenly though, I had a stroke of genius: I'll dock the bike at the nearest housing project! The sorts of people who ride Citi Bikes are scared shitless of public housing! Sure enough, there were plenty of docks at that station, though unfortunately I was now nearly as far from my destination as I had been when I checked the Citi Bike out in the first place. Also, I nearly passed out from heat stroke, since immediately after docking the Citi Bike I ran as fast as I could until I saw my first artisanal food truck. Boy, I sure wish they'd finish gentrifying Brooklyn already, because some of these places are scary!

Then, on my way home, I was crossing a one-way street at an intersection with a stop sign when a salmon on a Craigslist Peugeot blasted through it and buzzed me so closely that I could practically feel the frills of his disgusting ass-worn jeanshorts:

(But, you know, at least he's wearing a helmenent, right?)

He stopped afterwards, which was when I took the above photo. I thought briefly about telling him what he'd just done, but it was just too goddamn hot to get into it and even thinking about it made me tired. So instead I figured I'd just take his picture and make fun of him on the Internet.

Afterwards, I checked out another Citi Bike, and as I rode it I reveled in the fact that I looked nothing like a typical Brooklyn cyclist. No jean shorts, not helmenenent, no messenger bag worn ridiculously high and tight or else ridicuously Sid-Vicious's-bass low like The Green Tank Top Salmon, no brand-new Surly Crosscheck with the reflectors still on it and the handlebars at a weird angle... Just an anonymous schmuck with some corporate advertising between his legs, squinting in the blazing sun because he's lost his sunglasses.

(Wow, they really do hate bikes. Have you ever seen a UPS truck get towed?)

Actually, if I want to disassociate myself from the typical Brooklyn cyclist when I'm in Brooklyn maybe I should just dress like Bret--who, a reader informs me, has made the pages of L'Équipe(or at least a website associated with it):

By the way, if you're one of the people who have commented or emailed to let me know that Bret (and Bret, Jr.) are featured in the WorkCycles ad over in the right-hand margin, I can assure you I'm aware of it and am in on the joke:

Really, it's pretty clever of him to spin this as a handicap when every parasitologist worth his stool collection kit knows the bilharzia parasite is a formidable cyclist and imparts the gift of superhuman speed upon its host:

Scion sincerely apologizes to members of the bicycling community that might have been offended by a recent advertisement. It was certainly not our intention to do so as Scion has great respect for bicyclists. Scion is sensitive to your opinion and in response, has made the decision to remove the advertisement.

In other words, they pay an ad agency a fuckload of money to make commercials for them. At no point in the process does it occur to anybody at the ad agency or Scion that maybe calling cyclists "obstacles" is really fucking stupid. Instead, they just put it out there, and then they make it sound like they're doing the consumer a favor by letting them consult on their ad campaigns for free.

Fuck them.

As far as I'm concerned, there's only one car ad in the history of car ads that I can actually get behind:

Maybe Scion's ad can say "For man-boys who like to pleasure themselves while watching 'The Fast and the Furious.'"

I've a hill phobia. Hills hurt and I'm allergic to pain- it makes my eyes water. But I climb the big fuckers anyway cause when you get to the top, well, then you get to go reallyreallyreally fast all the way back down again!

I've been mulling a fred-directed invention for some time now. It's a drag wheel that you can mount to the frame of your weightless plastic bike in order to get back all the training mojo that your weightless plastic bike has stolen.

Good Morning Babble on, I find it hard to believe that there are thieves in Canada who use the "I thought they were giving it away excuse" to steal. I thought the Government of Canada (and the Queen) guarantees it's subjects everything they need and everything they don't need thusly eliminating the need to steal. "A bicycle in every garage (pronounced "ger addge")!"

According to the Wikipedia, this parasite condition is readily treated by one annual oral dose of something called praziquantel. I'm not so sure I'm ready to bestow hero clean status to leader of Tour for being brave and racing clean. C'mon man. Must be a slow day for news. Anyone got a tapeworm? I hear some folks are self infecting for weight management. Eeeewwww!!!

I ride my heavy commuter (about 35-40 lbs) every day of the year (about 5500 miles/year), so when I decided to go back to mountain bike riding this year, I found out that I have pretty good/strong legs.

I did a long distance mtb race just for fun, starting at the back of the crabon bunch and I finished 24th/150 and 5th in my age group (30-39). I was pretty pleased with that result given that I don't train and ride a heavy-ish 1500$ aluminum mountain bike.

All these crabon weekend warriors could not climb and had poor technical skillzzzz.

I like your Big Dummy training philosophy. I employ a similar method using my recumbent bike. I ride my hill route on that 30 pound monster (Yes recumbents can climb hills) then when I get on my titanium fred sled I feel like Berto dancing on my pedals after a big steak dinner.

That's really scary. I was about to look up Dudley Moore to find out which movie had that Jaguar ad, but I decided to read the blog first. Can your "special sunglasses" see into the dark corners of my psyche? If so, don't tell Babble about that recurring dream where I'm delivering pizza and she has no money.

I found my glasses last night in an ugly place of the garage. Missing since wheneverthehell the last time I looked over that direction, behind the table saw and under the shelf next to the box of AC compressors. Doesn't seem like the exact spot I put them down but...

At least we're both gogglized!

Think I'll spend the afternoon doping a bit before going on a 'recovery ride' to recover some beer, then perhaps a bit more doping before bed time

BTW, being afraid of speed is not a prob in bikeeen. For fuks sake, whizzing along at thirty is like being in that annoying spot between first and second gear in my shitty saab. Get over it fred woohoo.

Scion sincerely apologizes to members of the bicycling community that might have been offended by a recent advertisement. It was certainly not our intention to do so as Scion has great respect for bicyclists. Scion is sensitive to your opinion and in response, has made the decision to remove the advertisement.

That's a not-pology. "We're sorry you're offended" is a bullshit dodge that proves that they learned fuck-all from incident and will probably do it again.

Snobby, my all time favorite car ad, with a bike in it is the 10 year old ad for a Fiat Palio. A guy on a bike, with ear buds, is too lazy to put his foot down at a stop light, so he holds his position by placing his hand on the Fiat's hood. After two or three repeats, at the next light, the Fiat backs up a foot, just as the Cyclist reaches down with his hand......A Classic...

Comment Deleted, my idea can also be used by those "Freds" who are afraid of speed. Just pull the rip cord, and wah lah, instant slowness! Of course, with the "Fredly" lack of upper body strength, I could envision a "Fred" deploying the anti-speed chute and ending up on his ass in the middle of the road with his trusty stead sailing down the road without him.

Wildcat, I don't think you made sufficient fun out of the Craigslist Peugeot salmon...if I may take up the slack:As soon as he got the chance, he posted a missed connection..." m4w, I was locking up my blue Peugeot when you walked by and I was captivated by your sexy strut. I didn't feel appropriately attired to approach you, nor could I muster the courage to speak to you, but on a computer I'm all man."

Queenie, m'dear, I want to come and play at your place. I was just lamenting the fact that my dressage helmet is collecting dust when I read your blog. Some of the best memories of my early life involve weeks-long horseback trips in the backcountry of the Gang Ranch, BC. We saw more bear than people, along with buffalo, wolves and all the rest. Thanks for reminding me. :)

Too true yer training trick, snobber doodle doo. For sure for sure for sure it was the years of hauling kids in trailers and trail bikes that gave me the power to sprint fast now.

Still. The Amsterdam keeps me in shape over the winter, but there are definitely different muscle groups involved in riding a road bike.

Even when I stay in the saddle, there are different muscle groups involved in climbing the big hills than there are when I'm simply hauling ass. What's up with that??!

I'm too dense to be a natural climber, but gravity sure helps on the downhill. Like Contador yesterday, I'm happy to give it everything I've got on the downhill, though I'm way more likely to trip up.

Yep. Started in western show as a kid spending summers in the Rockies, worked my way up to dressage even working as a cowboy on the ranch very briefly along the way. That is why I know of what I speak when I say cows are stupid... Now buffalo? That's a whole 'nother story.

But you're right. Dressage is the best discipline cause it's the most disciplined discipline, if you know what I mean. And if you can ride a horse well, you can ride anything. ;)

On the way home from the liquor store this mid-humpday afternoon, I encountered several non-cyclist obstacles. One was a heavy black ring that helps gravity to adhere construction cones to the road surface. The next four(?) were boat cushions as far as I could tell. This being Eye-duh-hoe, I can imagine a good ol' boy what just got hisself a boat cruisin' down the road with cushions flying behind him. These fellers might not know much about boats but they can fuck sure back a trailer! Just try dropping a boat at a busy boat ramp and not having a redneck honk, yell or offer his trailer backing services - gratis. The liquor was for "her" recipe...really...

SO I'm here at work at 10:28pm and I just find out that I missed the Frilly Tits? I'm missing the ass-a-tar I had grown so fond of already. The disappointments keep rolling in.It's definitely a three or four bowl evening when I get home. Mary Jane she never lets me down.

[i](The Citi Bike app is useless as a bra on a cow. Or a nosering on a pig. Look, I don't know, I didn't grow up on a fucking farm, OK?)[/i]

Nose rings on a pig are called Hog Rings. They actually serve a real purpose. Pigs naturally root around to find food. This "rooting around" they do tears up the ground around where pigs eat real bad. For that reason pig farmers put hog rings on pigs to make it painful for them to use their snouts to root around.

In the old days, farmers had special pliers that were just for closing these rings. The rings were copper coated steel and quite useful for other reasons. Nowadays, the common use for this tool and the hog rings is for attaching upholstery at the bottom where it is out of site.

So in short, a nosering on a pig is actually not useless. At least it is not useless to a hog farmer.

I've been thinking about this for a while: you slap a BBQ, charcoal,some beer and camping equipment on a cargobike, go for a 30-50 mile ride, have a party AND you still get fit, lose weight or whatever. You need the same effort for riding 100 miles on a decent road bike. I get it when people ride roadbikes for fun, but I see lots of people torturing themselves on bikes that are obviously not for them. And after a few hundred miles they give up and buy a recumbent. But no no, no regular bikes,

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!