About Me

I am a woman of a certain age! A long-time wife, mother of teenagers and daughter of a dominant, somewhat possessive woman. I work in PR and I used to be happy and content. But recently something has changed and I feel like I'm losing control. I want to break free but don't really know from what or why. I think I need therapy but am fighting against that and writing this blog is an attempt to record my behaviour and make sense of my feelings so that maybe I can claim back some control.
I am essentially a good person but as I have tried to write honestly here, that may not be what comes across!

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

The News I've Been Dreading

I had just got into work this morning and was dealing with some of my messages when Dave called me. As soon as I heard his voice, I suddenly wanted time to stand still. I knew what he was going to say and I couldn’t hear it - I wasn’t ready. I wanted to be able to run away somewhere so that I wouldn’t have to acknowledge his words.

But they still came and I still heard them:

“He’s gone Selina. Sean’s gone. He died early this morning. Jenny just called me.”

I could feel something bubbling up deep within me. I could feel it getting bigger and I could feel it travelling right from the very pit of me, through my stomach, past my heart and up my throat. I could feel the waves it was making inside of me and I almost had to hold on to my desk as it then burst through my mouth and suddenly I was sobbing down the phone.

So that’s what I did. I don’t really know how I made it back here. I can’t remember who I spoke to at work. I must have looked a right state as I emerged from the office with my face all blotchy and red.

Now I’m home and waiting for the others. I don’t know what we’ll all do. Just remember him, I guess.

I can’t believe he is dead.

I really thought it was going to be all right. I wanted to believe that he would go into remission and come out of that hospice laughing and announcing that he was back. I tried calling Jenny a few times but her phone was always off and she never returned my messages. I suspect that was on orders from Sean as none of us had heard anything since that last night we saw him. Why did he cut us off like that? Why did he die? He was so bloody young – my age for god’s sake. This time last year, we went to a gig to see him play in his band and now, he’s gone. How can that be?

How awful for you all, hugs from NZ. I know when my dad died, it came as a shock even tho' we knew he had terminal cancer and there was only one way out it still came as a suprise that it happened.Be kind to yourselves and find strength together. :-)