Patrick Collins: Is Stone Age man really the answer for England?

His hair was damply dark with sweat
and his shoulders were heaving from the efforts of the evening, but when
Andy Carroll arrived for interview, his head was full of vivid
pictures. ‘I enjoyed it,’ he said. ‘It was a great battle; getting a few
elbows and giving a few. It’s all part of the game.’

He was wrong, of course, but nobody
wanted to disrupt his mood by telling him. Jabbing elbows belong to the
Harrods Sale or World Wrestling Entertainment, that choreographed
scuffle involving fat chaps in tights.

‘The game’ is quite different. At
least, it ought to be. ‘The game’ is an exercise in touch and flair, in
utilising space and applying pace. Courage and athleticism are basic
requirements, yet the truly significant players are those who also
possess the more elusive virtues of spontaneity, imagination and the
ability to produce skill under pressure. Essentially, it is a game
played on the floor and inside the head, which is what makes it so
absorbing.

Now, English football might pay lip
service to that definition. But deep down, it does not really believe
it. When I was a child, influential English football men would assert
that Johnny Foreigner was playing an unmanly version of the game we
invented. He could not shoot, did not relish a tackle and crumpled at
the very hint of a shoulder charge. Moreover, when it came to
defending, he lacked basic moral fibre.

Flying in: Andy Carroll collides with David de Gea and Patrice Evra at Upton Park

So our tactics were both crude and
simple: we would batter a barrage of high balls and instruct large,
blue-chinned, spring-heeled centre-forwards to spread fear and
confusion.

It did not work, of course; not when
it actually mattered. But that did not stop us trying. And there is a
perverse streak of English opinion which still believes that ancient
delusion.

Which brings us back to Andy Carroll.
Following his undeniably dramatic performance for West Ham against
Manchester United, he is being promoted in some quarters as the answer
to England’s striking problems.

No matter that the most dramatic
feature of that performance was his crude and reckless leap at United’s
goalkeeper, David de Gea, an offence for which even a half-competent
referee would have produced a red card. All part of the game, it seems.
His manager, Sam Allardyce, produced a dimly unconvincing defence of the
player, misquoting the Highway Code with a tortuous analogy involving
stopping distances.

Carroll embodies the simplistic
whack-it-long, chase-it-hard philosophy which Allardyce espouses. The
‘West Ham way’ once evoked images of Bobby Moore, Martin Peters and the
erudite Ron Greenwood. These days, it offers cynicism disguised as
strategy and Stone Age methods drenched in the jargon of sports
science.

International honours: Carroll nodded England ahead against Sweden in Euro 2012 with a magnificent effort

Predictably, Allardyce is leading the
Carroll-for-England campaign. Asked about the possibility of Carroll’s
selection, Allardyce said: ‘Roy (Hodgson) would be scared to do it
because of the reaction he would get. He’d be accused of a direct
approach and people would be on his case.’

In
other words, the only way for the England coach to demonstrate that he
is no coward is to pick Carroll. The ploy is so clumpingly obvious that
Baldrick himself might have rejected it.

Allardyce
added: ‘Playing Andy does not make you a long-ball team, it just gives
you extra options. He is good on the floor and others can play off him.’
As someone recently remarked, in a different context: ‘That’s like
claiming you buy Playboy to read the articles.’

In
fairness to Carroll, he is mobile, industrious and as brave as any
player with his physique ought to be. And although his scoring record is
sparse, he remains a distracting presence on his day. But he is a
Liverpool player who is turning out for West Ham because he can find no
place in Brendan Rodgers’s plans at Anfield. It would surely be abject
folly for England to entrust its prospects to one so raw, so limited, so
likely to attract punishment simply by obeying his natural instincts
and playing his normal game.

Out of the picture: Carroll's future at Liverpool looks increasingly unsure

Johnny Foreigner has come on rather
rapidly over the past few decades. Spaniard or German, Argentine or
Brazilian, he is tactically astute, adequately brave and serenely
comfortable on the ball.

Far
from being intimidated by the likes of Carroll, he is likely to regard
him as an interesting relic, a man you do not meet every day. The notion
that such a player could transform his nation’s fortunes would cause
amusement rather than concern.

For
the game is about far more than ‘getting a few elbows and giving a
few’. It always was. Roy Hodgson knows that. Others will never
understand.

The
people who run major sports in this country do not give a damn for
those who pay to watch. Fans have always known this but two sports have
now shown where their priorities lie.

Rugby’s
Six Nations once followed a civilised pattern. Fans travelled on
Friday, watched the match on Saturday afternoon, celebrated on Saturday
evening and spent Sunday recovering. Then television waved its
chequebook. First we had Sunday matches. Then, in 2011, Wales played
England on a Friday evening.

The
traffic chaos was appalling, the inconvenience unforgivable. But the
television audience expanded. So Cardiff will stage Friday games against
France next year and England in 2015. Television insists. As for the
fans: who cares?

If
rugby is brazen, then football is worse. Once again, the FA Cup Final
kicks off at 5.15pm. The fact that fans may not arrive home before dawn
is irrelevant. As Alex Horne, the FA general secretary, explained: ‘The
5.15pm kick-off for (last year’s) final was really successful. We added a
couple of million viewers.’

This
shameless performance told us that the paying fans are mere
telly-extras, colourful folk who add to the atmosphere of the occasion.
But I think the FA are wrong to take loyalty for granted. I believe that
worms will turn and that there will be a reckoning. That happy day
cannot come too soon.

Pompey deserve a break

Portsmouth were relegated last week. A club which, three years ago, kept company with the aristocrats of the English game will next season rub shoulders with the Morecambes, Dagenhams and Accringtons of League Two.

Yet they could not be happier. For the spivs and chancers have departed and the people who love it most have taken charge of its destiny. Portsmouth are now, through the Pompey Supporters Trust, the biggest community-owned football club in the country.

A new dawn: Portsmouth are now owned by Portsmouth Supports Trust to end a long battle against extinction

The Football League have imposed a 10-point penalty following their period of administration but mercifully they have triggered it immediately, leaving them to start next season with a clean sheet. They celebrated with a 3-0 win over Sheffield United, a pointless victory but a cause for celebration.

The future remains uncertain but Pompey are a much-loved old club who deserve a decent break. Football wishes them well.

PS

The dead of Boston will be remembered with black ribbons and a sombre silence. Then, in a vibrant eruption of optimism and joy, the runners of the London Marathon will surge to the start of their journey.

And as we salute the passing parade, those of us who revere the capital’s marathon as the most precious day in the sporting year will cherish it even more dearly this morning. The suffering people of Boston will understand and approve.