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Thursday, April 26, 2012

All the good shit happens in the Spring. For the past few months we’ve been fucking cooped up inside in some weird holding pattern between the NFL and the playoffs/baseball seasons, and to be honest it’s kind of fucking blown. Sure we’ve been wasted for most of that time, but come on, do the prime slam pieces even make it out of their fucking houses during the Winter? Anyways, while weekends are already getting booked up for all #173 day drinking events, there was a time that I fucking hated what these weeks represented. A few years back, I looked at the calendar and didn’t see the swarms of Slam Pieces about to flock to the bars like the fucking salmon of Capistrano. I didn’t see the Beach Bars overflowing with people getting so wasted they had to be carried out at 10 am. I saw the end of College. I saw an end to my life as a Bro. Had I known what I know now, there’s no fucking way I would have been depressed about having to become an “adult.” I wouldn’t have given a shit that I didn’t have a job or even a fucking interview. I would have appreciated it for what it was, because Bros, it truly doesn’t get any better than the last few weeks of College.
One of the most common Bro Myths out there is that being a Bro ends the day you #118 graduate. This couldn’t be fucking further from the truth. All graduation means is that you’re going to take what you learned on your College Campus and apply that shit in the bars of the real world. In many cases, it’s better to leave College, because after 4-6 years of getting fucking wasted and plowing anything that moves above a 6, you’re bound to have a reputation as a Bro King. Sure, this is the highest distinction any Bro could ever hope to achieve, but for some odd reason, some girls might not want to bang you since you’re obviously better than them and never going to talk to them again. Bros shouldn’t be upset with the impending end of their College life - they should fucking embrace that shit, and there’s no better way to do that than in these upcoming weeks.

Perhaps the only Bro-Life initiative Colleges ever fucking instituted was the gap between the end of exams and Graduation. Over their College career, Bros never hesitate to go out every fucking night, but for the last few weeks of College, EVERYONE goes out. While this can be shitty since the lines at all the bars are endless, you’re a Bro, you don’t fucking stand in line. Bros, by definition, know every fucking bouncer in their College town. Let those pieces of shit that actually thought College was about learning stand in line and think about how they fucking wasted the best four years of their lives.

While it blows that everyone and their fucking mother goes out the last couple weeks of College, it’s the reason why they go out that’s fucking amazing. You see, for four years, girls on a College Campus feel fucking trapped. It’s a scientific fact that their hormones are fucking raging and all they want to do is get railed, but unfortunately, once again, society steps in the way of nature’s plan. They have to sit back and control their urges, fearing they’ll be called #3 sluts. Much like #86 Halloween, for College’s final fortnight, the word “slut” doesn’t fucking exist. Every girl has a fucking bucket list for all the Bros they want to bang before they graduate and you better fucking believe they’re going to be crossing shit off left and right. It’s honestly like the apocalypse is coming - everyone’s getting fucking wasted and banging anything that fucking moves, wherever they can find fucking flat ground.

And to all you fucking “Bros” that have girlfriends and are pissed off that you can’t engage in the sexual hotzone that would rival a #113 Tiger Woods trip to Denny’s, I’ve got three words for you: Do it anyway. BUT NYB, WE’RE DEFINITELY GETTING MARRIED!!! No, you’re not. I knew so many people in College that I thought WITHOUT A FUCKING DOUBT were getting married, and you know how many of them actually got married? 0. You will break up. This is a fact. So, might as well do that shit now, while the fucking’s good! You can always get back together, but NOTHING will ever overcome looking back five years from now and realizing you totally could have gotten a hummer from some slut behind a Wawa dumpster.
Bros, don’t let that fucking Tom Petty quote brainwash you. Sure, in the coming months you’ll probably have to start doing work for a boss and shit, but does that mean you still can’t go out and get fucking wasted and bang some Rajon Rando? Fuck no. Bros are like a fine cheese – with age, we get better and constantly smell like pussy. Graduation is just another step in our life to Bro greatness, so strap in and fucking enjoy the ride.

Also, take a lesson from your former brosephinas and start posting old pictures of your glory days on any and all social media outlets, because, let's be honest, your life has ended at 22. Have fun as your liver starts to disinegrate and you marry one of those former "whores" and watch her get fat. Those nerds? Live in Palo Alto now, as your mid-level job, secured by your father, guarantees you no upward mobility. Enjoy obesity and liver cancer!