Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Spousehole got me up early this morning, an hour before my alarm goes off (though I am always up before the alarm goes off anyway). He was screaming at me about having his checkbook, so I showed him that it was right where he left it. Not content to let me be, he then decided to rant and rave at me about spending his money without permission. I was able to demonstrate that every penny I have spent since "budget day" was budgeted and I haven't taken any money from our joint account since the budget withdrawal. Since he couldn't be left having to apologize for dragging me out of bed and yelling at me for no reason, he brought up old issues that should have been laid to rest YEARS ago. All so he could justify being an ass.

I soon found out that this was only the beginning of day's shenanigans. You see, the ring games continue.

He wore his last Friday for his interview, but by Sunday morning it was gone again. I've stopped worrying about it. It is what it is. He uses wearing his ring or not to try to hurt me and I'm done playing that game.

I took mine off in the shower earlier this week, as it tends to come off when my hands are soapy. It's just a bit loose. I put it on the top of the tub enclosure where the children can't see it and can't reach it. Then I forgot to put it back on after my shower. The next couple days I saw it while I was showering, but still forgot to put it back on after I dried off. This morning I planned to make a point of putting it back on after my shower. I didn't take it off as any kind of statement, I just neglected to put it back on for a couple days. I knew where it was and was not concerned about it.

Problem was, when I got to the shower this morning, before the ass crack of dawn since I was up anyway, the ring was gone. I had no real doubt that Spousehole had done something with it. He has done that before. Takes things of mine and withholds them as "punishment" for not putting them away, as if I were a child who leaves her toys out in the rain. For instance, if I leave a watch in the bathroom, he'll take it and say "watches don't belong in the bathroom, do they?" when I either find it or cajole him into returning it to me.

I had to call him about something else and when that was done, I asked him to tell me the whereabouts of my ring. He was silent for a moment, then said he didn't know and asked where I saw it last. I played along and told him where it had been and he claimed he never saw it there. Pointed out that he doesn't wear his glasses in the shower, so he wouldn't be able to see an itty-bitty ring up there. Right. I am way more nearsighted than him and could see it just fine without my glasses or contacts, so I know he's bull-shitting me. That and the silence before he answered. He's a shitty liar.

Later in the day, he emailed me for a password for an account, accusing me of changing the password without telling him. I emailed back with the (unchanged) password and asked if he would now tell me if he had my ring. He never replied.

When he came home, he wanted to know what was for dinner. I said I didn't have time to make dinner because I spent all day looking for my ring (yes, I lied). I asked him to please just tell me if he had it so I wouldn't have to worry about it. He said once again that he didn't have it. I was almost starting to think perhaps he was telling the truth.

He went to bed about 1/2 an hour ago. I checked his coat pockets: no ring. Laptop case: no ring. Backpack: no ring. Maybe he was telling the truth.

One more place - wallet: JACKPOT!

That lying motherfucking son of a bitch. Initially I took both rings, but I put his back in there. I won't stoop to his level.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

This week the "W" might be when or why or where instead of what. You can figger it out, rite?

WTF can't my husband remember (1) that it is Wednesday and (2) that Wednesday is trash day? I even reminded him before I went to bed last night!!! I got up around 7 this morning and saw no blue bags at the curb. A quick check north and south to see the neighbors' blue bags and I knew he had once again forgotten. THIRD. WEEK. IN. A. ROW. Do you know how much trash that is in a household with three cats, one child in diapers, and one child who wears pull-ups at night? I recycle A LOT, but we still have A LOT of trash. I bagged it up and put the mountain o' trash at the curb. Then I sent Spousehole an email titled "Guess how I spent my morning" and the following picture attached:He did have the decency to thank me, both by email and in person when he came home for lunch.

WTF would I consider moving to Minneapolis? Yet another headhunter called while he was home for lunch. A company in Minneapolis wants to interview him. He plans to go because he would LOVE to move to Minneapolis. He thinks I would be excited to move there with him because I have family in that area. Guess what? I don't want to move there! See, the woman he has loved for 20 or more years (unrequited) lives there. She is perfect in every way, or so he tells me. I have been compared to the perfect and wonderful Laura from the day I met him. Why in God's name would I want to live anywhere near her? I don't blame her, necessarily, as she has always made it clear that she does not return his feelings. She does, however, take advantage of his willingness to drop everything and go through Hell and high water at her slightest whim. So I guess I do blame her a little. I'm sure her husband would be thrilled to have him there too.

WTF will winter end? I'm sick of it. I slipped on the ice again this morning, but nothing like the previous fall. Municipalities are running out of salt and many have run out of the money budgeted for snow removal for the year. They are saying that they won't have the money to fix the ginormous potholes throughout my city because the pothole-fixin'-money is being blown on snow removal. Frustrating. I'm starting to think that instead of replenishing our savings, our tax refund should be blown on tickets to Florida for a week. What is the point of having relatives with a condo on the Atlantic if we don't take advantage of that from time to time?

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

1. What do you consider as the greatest thing you've ever done for/ to yourself?

Getting a college education (and beyond). I may not be using it to earn money right now, but having that education is still a precious part of my life.

2. What/ Which part of your life you think you could have done better and why?

Almost everything! If I could do it over, I would have gotten treatment for my depression much, much earlier, I would have chosen a different professional path, and I would avoid some of the mistakes I've made in my marriage.

3. Do you have that one person whom you consider to be the wind beneath your wings?

It's two people for me - my kids. Everything I do is because of and for them. They lift me, give me a reason to keep going.

4. Tell us about your longest relationship.

Do you read this blog? That would be my marriage to Spousehole. We've been together more than 10 years and will have been married 9 years in May.

5. In a relationship, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?

Again, do you read this blog?

Bonus (as in optional):What is that one intimate moment with someone you miss so much and what are you willing to risk to have another moment of it. ;)

I miss looking into the eyes of someone I love and who loves me. That intimate connection when you really love each other and can see and feel it without either saying a word. I'm willing to give up my marriage to have that again.You thought my answer would be something sexual, didn't you?

radishes or sweet peppers?Another close one, but I'm going with peppers right now.

______________________

Have you ever played Uno Attack? It's like regular Uno, ramped up a couple notches. Instead of drawing cards, there's a machine that you put in the center of the table and press a button instead of drawing. It may give you anywhere from 0 cards to 7 cards. It makes the game a bit more interesting, because you never know what you're going to get. It also has some different cards from the traditional game, such as one that lets you switch hands with anyone at the table.

Anyway, it's a ton of fun. I've played with my nephew and other assorted people a couple times now. It's way fun, in a family-friendly way. I hope I get one in my Easter basket! (Yes, I still get an Easter basket at age 40. You have a problem with that?)

And what is the deal with Easter being so early this year? I mean, I understand how the religious calendar works, but sheez it's early this year. I mean, Lent started before Valentine's Day! Bad timing. Holy Week and St. Patrick's Day even conflict!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Remember a couple weeks ago when Spousehole was wearing his wedding ring again and I was confused? Then when I asked him about it, he took it off again. Well, he had that job interview yesterday and I noticed when he returned from the other side of the state that he had it on again. So I think we can surmise that he put it back on this time to make a good impression at his job interview. Asshole - using this powerful symbol of our marriage to score points in a job interview. It just seems very fake to me.

Question for y'all: If you are or were married, do you (did you) wear a wedding ring? Why or why not?

I took this picture of my daughter yesterday at the children's museum. She was looking into a triangular mirrored tunnel and I snapped this from the other end. I love how it turned out. No editing.

Spousehole left yesterday evening to go stay with his bro & SIL on the other side of the state. He has a job interview over there this morning. A headhunter sent his resume to an entity over there. They called the headhunter right back and said "We don't have an opening really, but we might be willing to make an opening for this guy. How soon can we see him?" So that's good. Apparently geographic information systems programming is not a common skill. Who knew he was good for something?

Spousehole still has a job here, but we don't exactly know what's going to happen with that. He works for a company that is contracted to a local governmental unit to provide IT services. The governmental unit has put the contract out for bid and is currently evaluating bids and will award the contract soon. It's possible Spousehole's company will continue with the contract, but we aren't holding our breath as the mayor and city council are all about "change" right now. Even if another company gets the contract, they will likely hire quite a few of the current contractor's employees since they know the job, the local politics, etc. But probably not everyone and they may keep people around only long enough to learn the lay of the land from them and then bring in their own people. We just don't know, so Spousehole's keeping his options open and looking into other positions. Though I have to think that if the wealthiest county in the state is willing to consider creating an opening for him, Spousehole's skills are pretty valuable right where he is. We'll see.

We have discussed what to do if he takes a job on that side of the state. He would likely get an apartment with his unmarried brother the chef (who currently lives with their sister). The kids and I would stay put and he would come back on weekends to be with us. That gets Spousehole a place to live and gets baby brother out of sister's condo once and for all (he's been there a couple years and is a little too complacent.) That's not workable forever, but would work for a while. If we decide we want to be together, I put the house on the market and move over there whenever we sell the house (the market in Michigan SUCKS right now). If not, we formalize living our separate lives.

(Edit, 1:08 p.m. Friday) Spousehole just called to say he is headed back here. The interview(s) went well. They took him to breakfast AND lunch at some fancy-schmanzy places. He feels good about it and the headhunter guy called him soon after the interviews ended and said "they liked you; they really, really liked you." But you know how headhunters can be. They are enthusiastic about everything. They are like any other salespeople - just they sell people instead of goods.

It's Friday. I hope everyone has a great weekend. A little par-tay music to get us started:

Thursday, February 21, 2008

See what looks like a shadow on the upper right of my fat ass? Not a shadow - bruises from my fall on Sunday. It actually looks much better than it did. Want to see some of the bruising? Then click the picture. If you don't have a strong stomach, however, don't click it. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

. . . ever happened to getting keys copied for cheap? Spousehole's keys disappeared (Boy had them last). He replaced the keys for work and church and the house. We copied the keys for the older mommyvan with no problem. But then we wanted to copy the key for my current mommyvan (still old - 2002 - but not as ancient as the last one). "No can do" was the response from "the helpful hardware man." He sent me to my local Ford dealer. They want $75 to copy the damn key for the mommyvan. That's not including a key fob for unlocking the doors, just the key itself! Apparently almost all cars made this century have a computer chip in the key. When you put the key in the ignition, the car's computer must recognize the chip in the key or the car won't start, even if the key is physically correct. Makes is harder for some schmuck valet or auto repair person to copy your key and steal your car. But makes it f*cking expensive to replace your key if your Spousehole and son conspire to lose the damn key! I actually have another Ford fob and can get that programmed to unlock my van doors for less than half the cost of getting a freakin' key made. I also learned that those computer chips in the key can DIE and leave you stranded! My dad's golf buddy drives a Caddy with the "smart" key. He got in his car after a round of golf and the ignition wouldn't budge. It turned out the teeny-tiny little power source in the key died. Fortunately they were golfing in town and the friend's wife drove over with the spare key, which had not yet died. He also discovered the high cost of key replacement (about the same as Ford's ridiculous fee) in the age of "smart" keys. He vowed not to buy another Cadillac, but it is my understanding that these "smart" keys are the norm now, so we are all screwed. If you are like me and plan to drive a car into the ground, you can figure on replacing your keys at that ridiculous rate sooner or later when the key dies. What a scam. To me this makes sense for higher end vehicles that people might actually go to the trouble of copying a key to steal. If there's a ton of people out there stealing 2002 Ford Windstars, I haven't heard about it.

. . . is Dear Abby's problem? (Edited to add: Jeanne Phillips writes Dear Abby. She is the 50-60-ish daughter of the original Dear Abby, Pauline Phillips, who is in her 80s and suffers from Alzheimer's Disease.)

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Wow - my favorite LifeGuard supplied this week's questions! You can copy them from him or at our regular TMI spot. Come play with us!

1. Which one turns you on more ink or piercing? Why?

Probably piercings, but it's more like which turns me off less. A few tats here and there are not a problem for me, but sleeves or tats covering large portions of skin don't really work for me. Not sure why. Lingering prejudice from my "goody-two-shoes" days, I suppose. Besides, how could a woman not love a man with piercings - he can endure pain and wears jewelry! I dated a guy in law school with his tongue pierced. O. M. G. The things he could do with that tongue stud . . .

2. What ink do you have? If none, what would you get and and where?

Zero, zip, nada. I don't think I would ever get any ink. I'm someone who rethinks things constantly, so no matter what I chose, I would come to regret it. I'm just not good with permanency.

3. What piercing do you have? If none, what would you get and and where?

Just my ears. Two holes on the left, one on the right. I am intrigued by the idea of getting a nipple piercing, but will probably never do it. I've always liked the idea of a diamond or sapphire in my nose, but that would look silly now on a 40-year-old woman.

4. Any other adornments you like to do for your lover or have then do for you?

Nothing I can think of. Well, I would like it if Spousehole had an ear pierced, but it would likely just contribute to others thinking he is gay (happens all the time).

5. Of all of the above is there anything that is an immediate turn-off?

Misogynistic or violence related tattoos, gang tats, most neck tats, poorly done tats. Facial piercings beyond nose, lip or eyebrow. Too much of anything. In this case, less is more.

Bonus (as in optional): If money/work place rules/your life/whatever {sic} what ALL would you do to your body in the name of sexual or just general adornment?

Maybe nipples pierced or a tramp stamp. That's really it. While a tongue piercing might be fun, I'm such a freak about dental health that I would never do it.

You're not one of those girls who thinks about her exes - or even remembers them"Love 'em and Leave 'em" is your motto. And your break ups tend to be a clean break.It's a nice strategy to have, and guys appreciate your total lack of emotional baggage.But just a little reminder: it is okay to remember the good parts of your past, even with exes.

Otherwise known as "too good to be true"You're one laid back chica - and men love that!Just remember that no good guy likes a doormat.So if you find your self going along to get along...Stop yourself and put up a little bit of a fight.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Hey all, thanks for the well-wishes. I'm am getting around better today than yesterday, but EVERYTHING hurts. I am such a whiny baby. I can't turn my head from side-to-side, so I have to turn from my waist. That's good for my abs and obliques, right? See, there's a bright side to everything.

In addition to not feeling much like blogging right now, Spousehole had the day off today (the perks of working for a company that works for the government - you get to share their holidays!) Until this afternoon, he was breathing down my (very sore) neck from the time I got up. His idea of sympathy: "Those bruises look like Hell. Hurry up and get some clothes on so I don't have to see them anymore." You can understand how I fell in love with such a sweet man, right?

Anyway, he took the Girl to her favorite place (Chuck E. Cheese) for some Daddy-daughter bonding time. I couldn't go, as I had to babysit the neighbor boy this afternoon. He was upset because Girl wasn't here to play with and, as he told me, I'm "no fun at all."

Sunday, February 17, 2008

No, I haven't fallen in love or fallen for a scam. I just fell. And man does it hurt!

I was going out to my mommyvan for something this morning and slipped on the ice. Which might not have been so bad, except that I on the top step of our porch steps at the time. Our concrete porch steps. First my (ginormous) butt hit, then my upper back, then all of me slid down the steps, scraping my back all the way. Since I was just popping out to my car for something, I didn't have a coat on or anything, just a t-shirt and jeans (I had been cooking breakfast and I don't dress for church until right before we go.) I had my right hand on the handrail as I stepped down, but clearly that wasn't enough.

O. M. G. the pain! Spousehole heard me yell as I fell, but when he didn't hear anything after that he figured it everything was okay. In fact, I was yelling for him, but since I was facing away from the house and it was windy is it likely that he couldn't hear me. He then heard the small yelp I made as I finally pulled myself up and started back toward the house. He opened the door as I got to the top of the steps and helped me into the house.

He was actually really good about me not wanting to go to church. Can you imagine trying to sit on a wooden pew for an hour+ after that? No. Thank. You. The bruising starts at my butt (the worst of it, really) and proceeds up my back to my shoulder blades. Even sitting in/on a padded and upholstered chair is painful. I've spent most of the day standing or laying on my stomach on my bed. Not fun.

At least I didn't break anything or hit my head too hard. It could have been much, much worse. Enough with the "poor me" crap. Go read something fun somewhere! Or enjoy this video:

Friday, February 15, 2008

What a crap week this has been. No, not so much in the poop sense, just overall yucky. Boy was just a major PITA this week, in terms of getting ready for and going to school. A little asshole, truth be told. But you really don't want all those details. They are just sad and aggravating.

Last night, VD for those who may have forgotten, was good. We actually got a babysitter (not the 15-yr-old my husband lusts after, but her best friend) and made it home when we told her we would be home! Minor miracle there. The kids had a ball having someone new to pester. We actually had another babysitter lined up before this one, but he was going to have to leave his pizza job early to babysit for us. He was a "if you can't get anyone else, I'll do it" babysitter. So after we got the eventual babysitter, Spousehole needed to contact pizza boy. He's a high school senior and they aren't allowed to talk on their phones during school, so I suggested Spousehole text him (they are allowed texts at their school). Spousehole said "Um, I don't know what carrier he uses so I can't text him." WTF? I asked what the hell he was talking about. It turns out that Spousehole, Mr. Technology, Mr. Master's Degree in Computer Science, does not know how to send a text message!! O. M. G. The only way he was ever sent a text message is by using an email - you know: 6165551234@carrieraddress.com. Holy guacamole! How can a guy with his tech cred not know how to send a frickin' text message??!?!?! ROFLMFAO!!! I taught him how to send a text on his way-way-way nicer phone (practically brand-new LG something-or-another) than I have.

Our hosts for dinner have a ginormous farm north of us where they raise horses. A particular rare-ish breed. Gorgeous home, gorgeous horses. I brought the appetizers - garlic hummus and bagel chips and prosciutto -wrapped asparagus. Yumm! I read a thing recently that said that it is rude to pack up your leftovers and bring them home, so I reluctantly left the leftover garlic hummus with our hosts. Time to make more!

I did get flowers for VD. Here's a lousy picture of them:

They weren't from Spousehole, of course. They were from my Daddy. He always gets my mom, my sister and me stuff for VD. His birthday is February 14, so he tries to deflect attention away from himself. (He turned 72 yesterday. You'd never know it though - he's very active and BUSY.)

Spousehole never once said Happy VD or anything and never touched me (i.e., no hug/kiss/pat on the back/handshake/anything) all day or night. He did get a card from the kids to me and had them sign it. Better than nothing, I guess. I gave him some candy and told him that while I don't like him most of the time, I'll always love him, sort of. (I'm such a romantic!) His reply: Cool - I didn't know they made tart Sweethearts!" Girl spent the whole day saying "Happy Bawentine Day!" to everyone she met, including animals. It was very cute, in it's own little toddler-with-a-speech-impediment way.

Speaking of Spousehole, he's had "casual day" all week at work, because their cubicles had to come down for new carpet installation and now they are putting them back up. God forbid they should hire cheap labor for this - noooo, get the salaried, degreed employees to do that work! Here's a pic of him getting ready to leave for work:Apparently, his duties at work have been expanded. He is not only a GIS/web/database programmer, he is also a Nerf sniper! I asked about the need for the gun and he explained that "There's been a major arms build-up at work. My team needs to be reminded who's in charge." Alrighty then.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

. . . is up with this weather? It's been too frickin' cold, even for Michigan. I'm just glad I don't live "up north" anymore. We didn't actually get as much snow there, on the east side of the state, but it was horribly cold. 25 below (before windchill) was not unusual. Whenever we bundle the kids up to go outside, it is reminiscent of Ralphie's brother Randy in "A Christmas Story." My husband and I start saying "Ralphie . . . RALPHIE" like Randy does when he falls down and can't get up because he's so bundled up. The kids think we are insane. They may have a point.

. . . why does my daughter call peanut butter "penis budder"? And why do I still giggle every time she says it?

. . . is up with the strange conversations that go on in my house. A sample:

Him: Hey, hon . . .

Me: Hm?

Him: Why is there a pink vibrator in the bathroom cabinet?

Me: I dunno. Why is there Pantene conditioner in the drawer of the computer desk?

Him: Touche

Me: Tush-ay? Wow. I didn't know you were into that.

Him: Huh? Oh shut up!

. . . is my neighbor's deal-ee-o? We got a few more inches of snow last night. Just fluffy stuff. My neighbor guy, divorced, about 45, is in amazing shape. I mean, not that I watch him through the kitchen window cooking dinner shirtless or anything. He'd be a hottie if he weren't a complete doofus otherwise. I point out that he is in great physical condition, so you will understand why I am cheesed off at him. We got that snow I mentioned, right? And a major homeowner duty in the great white north is shoveling your sidewalk. I told you it's just fluffy stuff, right? Here's hottie-body neighbor's idea of shoveling the sidewalk:

In case it's not clear, that's exactly one shovel-width. God forbid he should clear the whole frickin' sidewalk. It's about three shovel-widths wide. Would it kill him? If I can manage, so can he. He doesn't even shovel the steps up to his own front door either. He uses the side door, but that doesn't help the mail deliverer, does it? Lazy-ass bastard.

And that brings up another one - a big WTF to Spousehole! He has very few responsibilities around the house, besides bringing home the bacon. But his short list of duties includes scooping the cat boxes, shoveling the walk, and putting the trash out on Wednesday morning for trash day. Guess how many of those things were done in the last 24 hours (more like at least 48 hours on the cat box. Remember: we have three (3) furry poop generators). If you guessed "NONE" you win! Besides that whole bringing-home-money thing, he's not really very useful lately. I was going to show you pictures of all three, but I forgot to take pictures before I shoveled the walk and scooped the cat boxes. And a picture of the curb with no trash bags really doesn't say much. Besides, did you really want to see a picture of a dirty cat box?

You're the Panama Canal!While others are content to work long and hard hours, you're all abouttaking the shortcut. While this has benefited you for the most part, it has required starting several conflicts so that you could get your way. Your old profession doesn't seem terribly lofty to anyone, and sometimes you've even needed to dig ditches to get by, but you figure the results are worth it. Now, most of the time you're just cruising.Take the State Quizat the Blue Pyramid.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

It's TMI Tuesday! Click the "I kiss and tell" icon to come play with us!!

1. What's the sexiest gesture a person you are sexually interested can make?

Look deeply into my eyes and give me a wicked smile

2. what are 3 inevitable things about you?

I will disappoint youI will not think I'm getting enough sexI will never be completely happy with my body

3. how many types of orgasms have you experienced?

One

4. what asset do you have besides the physical and the material?

Intelligence

5. what do you want . . . . now?

A good romp - it's been too long and I have been excessively horny the last couple of days

Bonus (as in optional):describe a sexy mind.First and foremost, a sexy mind is an intelligent mind. It is one that focuses on the sensual in life generally, that enjoys all aspects of a sexual interaction - not just the "tab A into slot B" part, but all the sensations including touch, taste, smell, sound, one that is interested in getting to know all aspects of one's partner in order to enhance the experience for both.

____________

My MF babysitter for Thursday night just canceled on me!!! Says she has the flu. Little home-schooled, unvaccinated punk. Where the F am I going to get a babysitter for VALENTINE'S DAY now? Man, this sucks. Actually, the question is "Where is Spousehole going to get a babysitter?" He volunteers with the senior high youth group at church, so he is most familiar with the pool from which we draw most of our babysitters. I'm even willing to let him bring his "girlfriend" (the 15 year old after whom he lusts) into our house at this point. (I just won't let him drive her home.) If he doesn't get a babysitter, I'll go by myself and flirt shamelessly with the other husbands and get myself banned from these parties forever. That'll show him. (I'm not really mad at the babysitter for canceling. She can't help that she's sick, that her parents choose to home-school her, or that her parents don't have their children vaccinated for anything. She does choose her alt-punk attire and music, but that's one of the things I like about her.)

____________Hey, does anybody know what happened to blogger Jon Galt of You've Got to Reach Out and Grab It? His blog seems to be deleted and emails are returned as undeliverable. Did he just give up blogging for lack of time or did something happen? I'm just curious. Regular readers know I have a thing for bi-guys and "Jon" was one of my faves!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Spousehole and I actually have plans for Valentine's Day, with a babysitter lined up and everything. It's nothing romantic, however. We are going to a dinner party where we'll be one of 4 couples. I have to bring an appetizer. If you have any ideas, let me know. (It needs to travel about 30 miles in bitter cold temperatures, so a cold to room temp appetizer is probably best.) I just read a recipe for figs poached in port, stuffed with cream cheese, and topped with prosciutto. I'm leaning toward that unless someone comes up with something better.Valentine's Day is also my Dad's birthday, but we won't be celebrating it until the weekend.___________________

It's another frickin' snow day here. It doesn't look so bad out to me, but I'm not trying to maneuver a giant school bus. Also it is bitter cold. It never got above 2 degrees (F) yesterday. They may have canceled school for that reason. They don't want kids walking to school or their bus stops when it is so cold. I don't remember that being a problem when I was a kid. (Next I'll be telling my kids how I walked 2 miles to school, uphill both ways, with holes in my shoes and only an old hand-me-down jacket with baked potatoes in the pockets to keep me warm. And then those baked potatoes were all I had to eat at lunch and I had nothing to keep my hands warm on the way home . . . )

A more cherished love you'll never find, especially with such a fine behind.

Tell me now and tell me true, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Please take my heart for your very own, but keep your mitts off my cell phone!

Our love will never be empty and hollow, in the mush and gush will it wallow.

I adore the way you tell me, scuse me babe - I gotta pee.

Valentine's Day is all candy and flowers, but a guy without just sits and cowers.

You bring a twinkle to my eye, as you slowly open your fly.

I'm a little valentine, made for you, a gift of sweetness, full of goo.

And, last but not least...

Roses are red, violets are blue, this poem sucks 'cuz I haven't a clue!

So, why is the Rabbit Warren now the Opium Den?

My in-laws gave me two little bottles of Opium perfume in my stocking at Christmas. I don't wear Opium, so I kind of forgot about them. Girl found them. Doused herself in Opium, splashing some on my kitchen floor and cabinets. While I cleaned that up, she had the other bottle and decided to play "chef." She put some raisins in a small toy saucepan and splashed them liberally with Opium - apparently imitating mommy making rum raisin sauce for ham earlier in the week.

O.M.G.

I finally have the Girl free of the smell, several baths later. My kitchen, however, may never recover. I'm going to need to burn dinner or cook fish or something to cover that smell. I mean, it could be worse, but it could be a lot better too. Opium isn't horrible, it's just not my first choice. And Spousehole hates it because it reminds him of his mother.

Friday, February 8, 2008

He's gone months without it. He didn't put it back on for Thanksgiving with our families. He didn't put it back on for Christmas. He hasn't worn it to church or out with friends or any other time that he might that he might be concerned about "how it looks" to others.

I have no idea why he is suddenly wearing it again.

He even left it in the shower one morning, but put it back on the next morning. (We both tend to take off our rings in the shower because they slip off - I think they both need resizing as they are loose-fitting now. Mine is a six, but I think my finger is back to a 5 3/4 or 5 1/2.)

He still flinches like it is horribly painful if I ask for a hug (very rare - only after a really difficult day or something). He does not act any different, except that he is less angry lately.

But he put his ring back on.

Huh.__________________________

Update 2:30 p.m.:

I took the advice and asked. He said "Um . . . uh . . . I dunno" and five minutes later the ring was gone again.

I'm the one that asked for the separation. So why does it hurt so much?

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Some have asked, why are some women reluctant to have their partner perform cunnilingus?

The answers are as varied as the women who feel that way, I'm afraid. But I'll try to cover what I think are the most common reasons.

A women may feel like she just can't ask something so "gross" of someone she cares for. She may feel that, no matter how much you say you want to do this for her, no matter how much you say you like it, no reasonable person could possibly want to place his mouth to her genitals. This can come from an ingrained belief that genitals are dirty and "bad." It can also come from a feeling that she doesn't look, taste, or smell good. She may be worried about vaginal secretions. She may be concerned that it will take too long. She may be apprehensive about being so very open to someone, baring her most private parts for up-close inspection, naked and vulnerable. Some women aren't terribly familiar with themselves "down there" (after all, we have to make an effort to look at ourselves) and are concerned with what you are seeing that she may never have seen. A woman may also have had a previous partner who reinforced her concerns or was just not terribly good at it (or just not interested in what he was doing) so it wasn't pleasurable for her. Some women feel disconnected from their partner - he or she is "down there" doing their thing and she's almost not even part of it.

If a women is concerned about all these things, imagine how difficult it is for her to just "lay back and enjoy it!" Our brain is our biggest sex organ and if you don't have the brain's attention, you may as well just give up.

Overcoming the Reluctance

Face it, all we women have had that "not so fresh feeling" at times. Unfortunately, that feeling was reinforced by the ridiculous douche and "feminine cleansing" commercials of the 70s and 80s. That can lead to women feeling that she should feel, smell, and taste like a "summer breeze" or some other ridiculous notion. If you think this is her problem (or heck, if it IS her problem - let's be real here: a vulva that's been trapped in panties, pantihose, pants, jeans, whatever all day may not be as fresh as anyone would like, just like male genitals might be a little sweaty or whatever after a long day) - shower or bathe together first, making sure everyone is cleaned with soap and water and rinsed thoroughly. A nice shower together, water flowing over skin, soapy hands gliding over breasts and hips and genitals, is amazing foreplay for most people. After all, making sure she is aroused before you dive between her legs is another way to help make cunnilingus more palatable for the reluctant recipient.

An aside:Bad 70's commercials aside, DO NOT encourage your reluctant partner to douche to feel more fresh. We now know that douching is not necessary and may actually promote the growth of harmful bacteria. The vagina is a self-cleansing organ. Regular vaginal secretions and menstruation "flush out" anything that shouldn't be there. Never use any lubrication or flavoring that is not designed for genital use - i.e., buy the commercial "personal lubricants" (flavored or not, your choice), don't just use whatever find sitting around the kitchen (or garage or wherever). Particularly don't put anything sugary in a vagina - sugar feeds yeast and no one wants a yeast infection! Wash the vulva regularly and thoroughly, getting in all the folds and such, rinse well, and let the vagina take care of itself.

Okay, back to the fun part.

Tell your woman that she is beautiful; that she has beautiful genitals. Tell her that you love how she smells. Tell her that she tastes delicious! Lick your fingers after they've been inside her to show her that you are sincere. You want to do this, you like to do this - make sure SHE knows that! Make some noise that lets her know you are enjoying it (don't go overboard with this however - a little can go a long way. Too much just seems fake. And no slurping! That's just a turnoff, at least for women with whom I've discussed it.) A lot of women need to know that you truly enjoy this experience in order for them to relax and enjoy it themselves. Many women are all about pleasing others and need that reassurance that you are pleased before they can enjoy it too. We feel guilty getting something and not giving something in return, so let her know you ARE getting something out of it.

Let her know that you have all the time in the world for this and that she needn't be concerned about how long it takes to get to orgasm. In fact, you might want to let her know that licking her totally turns you on, but that this time isn't about you at all. It's her night (or day or whatever) and you aren't doing this as foreplay but as a destination in itself. It's not about getting her "warmed up" so you can have your pleasure. This IS what pleases you.

Don't let her feel disconnected from you. Sometimes a guy can be so caught up in his "work" that he forgets to keep in contact with the whole woman. I sometimes feel like I should be shouting "Hey - you okay down there? Still breathing?" The vulva may be your immediate point of contact, but it's still connected to a whole woman who needs other attentions as well. If you have a free hand, lock fingers with her or touch her breasts or ass or abdomen. Every 3 or 4 minutes, maybe check in with her. Kiss her, ascertain that she's still enjoying it, find out what you are doing right/wrong, what she wants more/less of - then get back to work. Check in again in a few minutes. BUT THIS MAY BE WRONG FOR SOME WOMEN. Communicate with your partner. Sometimes it may break the mood or her concentration if you stop, so find out what your partner prefers. Just keep some sort of contact with her other than her vulva, whether physically or emotionally. Don't let it be like when I had my c-sections. You know something is happening on the other side of the curtain, but you almost feel like you aren't even part of it after a while, especially when those working over there seem to forget that the rest of you is here too. She's a woman, not just an orgasm project.

Might you be making some errors that lead to her reluctance? It's possible.

Don't go too fast from the beginning. This isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. Pace yourself.

If something is working for her, DON'T STOP OR CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE DOING!! Don't think "If this is good, faster will be better." NO! If it is working, keep doing EXACTLY that.

Don't imitate porn cunnilingus moves. For the most part, they are trying to get a good shot for the camera, not actually please the actress on the receiving end. Just because Jenna Jameson seemed to like it does not mean she really did or that your partner will.

Use your whole mouth, not just your tongue and not just the tip of your tongue. Keep your whole mouth involved to maintain intimacy and keep your tongue from tiring out too quickly. A whole warm mouth is far more stimulating than a disembodied tongue, trust me.

When in doubt, ASK YOUR PARTNER what feels good and what doesn't. Remember that she can't see what you are doing! That's why we tend to say things like "That thing you did? That was good," and you're left going "uh, what thing?" So it has to be more of "what about this?" and then you do "this". Or "how about that?" after you do "that."

Now, if your reluctant recipient is reluctant because she is NEVER open to being pleasured because she can't let go like that, can't handle being touched "down there," or has no interest in having an orgasm, then none of this will help. Sorry. You've got bigger problems than a lack of oral sex.

I have more tips and things that I'll post another day, because they stray too much from today's topic of the reluctant recipient. (I have trouble staying on topic as it is . . . )

Feel free to share in the comments things that worked to (if you're the giver) bring about your reluctant partner or to (if you're the reluctant recipient) bring you around.

1. for you, is sex hotter when it is forbidden? or are you the sort that is wracked with guilt and it is not enjoyable?

Forbidden is pretty hot, I must admit. I thought I would feel guilty cheating, but I didn't and don't. I thought I would feel bad about having sex with a man other than my husband, but found I really like variety and don't think the hub really cares. I thought I would feel guilty sleeping with another woman's husband, but that hasn't been a problem either, even when I have actually met and like the wife (see here). Overall though, for me the "hotness" of it has less to do with being forbidden or not than with the chemistry between my partner and I. I've had technically good sex with all kinds of people, but the really hot sex comes when you've got chemistry, that attraction that takes it to another level. If I had to choose between a partner with excellent technique but only average attraction between us and a partner with amazing chemistry but less technical skill, I'll take the hot chemistry any day. Skills can be learned, chemistry is just there or isn't. (Of course, the chemistry can be lost if he's a clumsy oaf who can't learn, but that's another post . . . )

2. are casual sexual encounters fulfilling to you, or do you need an emotional commitment from your partner?

They are sexually fulfilling, if not emotionally. Sex for the sake of sex is fine, if there's an deeper attraction that's great too, but if you can get the trifecta - technically good sex + intense attraction (chemistry) + emotional connection, so much the better!

3. do you think that with all of the online dating sites that cater to every fetish and desire and places like craigslist that it's more difficult to stay committed to your partner?

No, I don't think the availability of those sites makes it less difficult to stay committed. If you go looking on those sites, you've already decided that staying committed isn't working for you. That is, you don't go there if maintaining that commitment is a vital part of your life. I certainly never considered looking at such sites until I had reached the point that my marital commitment was not so important to me anymore.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

This is really, truly what the result was from my honest answers. Pretty weird, really. But cool.

You're Watership Down!

by Richard Adams

Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.

It's TMI Tuesday! Click the "I kiss and tell" icon to come play with us!!

1. By what nickname(s) were you known as a child?

My sister couldn't say my name, so she called me DeeDa. I can't tell you any others because they would give away my real name :-) I wasn't regularly called Bunny until college.

2. Do you have a favorite poem and, if so, what is it? Recite it (or a snippet) here, please.

First Fig by Edna St. Vincent Millay

My candle burns at both ends;

It will not last the night;

But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends--

It gives a lovely light!

3. What is your greatest regret in life, something that you failed to do that you wish you did?

I had a close friend and he and I were very attracted to one another, sometimes acting on that attraction when we'd had too much to drink. Then we would chalk it up to drinking and go back to being friends. We never tried a real relationship because we were afraid to lose the friendship. Also I was a snob at that time about the fact that he didn't finish college - I didn't want to date anyone without at least a Bachelor's degree. I regret not making a try at a relationship - perhaps we would have been very good together.

4. You are tired and hungry, but it's too late to cook. If any snack food were available to you, what would you choose and why?

Monday, February 4, 2008

I delivered the jars of "specimen" to the lab today, so there is no longer poop in my refrigerator. I felt that I should let you all know that, in case you were planning to come to dinner.

I may be a 40-year-old mother with an advanced degree, but inside I'm a juvenile delinquent. When tasked with delivering a bag of poop, my first inclination is still to drop it on the doorstep, light it on fire, ring the bell and run like crazy.

I may have to kill someone at my son's school's bus company (privatization sure hasn't made my life any easier!!) The bus is never on time, but I am used to that. Today, however, they just didn't show up at all. I spent 15 minutes listening to some damn recording (all our operators are assisting other customers . . .) before I finally was allowed to speak to a human being. She contacted the driver, who said "Oh yeah, I didn't go to that house. I was running behind." WTF??? She was running late, so she just skipped our house. Holy shit. It's a special ed bus. There are only 6 kids on the damn route and she thought since she was running late that she would just skip one? What if we weren't able to drive him to school (Spousehole came home to help get Boy on the bus and ended up driving him when the bus hadn't arrived by 9:00 a.m.)? One day last week I got fed up with the bus not coming and not being able to get through to the transportation company and drove Boy myself. My neighbor later told me that a bus was at my house at 9:15. School starts at 8:50.

So they are regularly late, skip special ed kids because they just don't feel like picking them up, try to drop special needs kids off at the wrong house (they've done this to him at least once every year), blame me when they go to the wrong address and, amazingly, we aren't there to get on the bus, and don't answer their goddamn phones (and about 50% of the time the recorded message just hangs up on you without transferring you to anyone). How is this an improvement from when the school district operated their own transportation service? Privatization sucks, if you ask me.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

I didn't make the rules, I just read 'em and recommend 'em. And I definitely recommend Sylvanus and Mina's Rules of Cunnilingus. Check it out. After you've read it, you may come back and read my comments, if you are interested:

1. Unlike Mina, I like hard, direct stimulation of my clitoris with your tongue. Just something to keep in mind. Put your fingers wherever you would like, I'll enjoy that. But the direct stimulation with the tongue is vital - licking, flicking, sucking: all good, just don't be gentle about it. See how we can all be so different?

2. Amen, brother!

3. For me (and this may be just me), let's take a shower together first. I just feel better about the whole thing if our foreplay includes a shower. I feel cleaner and am more open to having you "down there." But that may just be me. And maybe having soapy, slippery hands sliding all over me is just a great warm-up for me.

Also I would reiterate what Sylvanus said:

The more you make her feel like licking her is an eagerly-awaited privilege, and the less like a necessary pit stop before you can plug her with your cock, the better it will make her feel. But, by now, this is probably obvious to you.

But something guys forget: women are often very verbal. Talk to her! Tell her what you are thinking, how she looks. Use words and engage her brain.

4. Sylvanus is right - I'll tell you what I want at this point. Usually I'm going to want you to kiss me - hard - and I'll probably want you inside me, but maybe not. I'll let you know what, when and where, though feel free to share what you want as well. Thanks for listening. Again, Sylvanus' wise words:

And, for the love of God, please, do not ever, after giving oral say any of the following:

“You sure take a long time.” Hey, you spent all day trying to play with her pussy, now you’re upset when you get to do it?

“What did you eat?” As soon as your semen tastes like a Frosty, you can lecture her on how she tastes.

“Your turn!” (or "My turn!")

I've heard the "You sure take a long time" thing before. Makes you never want to have your man go there again, like it's just too much damn work. I'll get defensive and likely respond with "Well if you had a clue what you were doing . . . " and it will just deteriorate from there and you'll NEVER get yours :-) So even if it took "too long," don't say so.

Now go back to At Longing's End and thank Sylvanus and Mina for these wonderful lessons!

My son had his 7-year check-up yesterday. In addition to getting a referral to a behavioral psychiatrist, the doctor wants to have some labs done on his (Boy's) bowel movements. Guess whose job it is to collect three containers of "specimen," seal the jars in hazardous material envelopes, and keep them IN HER FRIDGE until they can be delivered to the lab?

If you guessed me, YOU WIN!

And the cat pooped on the floor in the downstairs bathroom, just to cap off a lovely morning.

Our pediatrician rocks though. She saves articles for me, really listens, and wears cool clothes. She had on cream-colored fishnet stockings yesterday. Spousehole found this off-putting, however. "I don't think fishnets are really appropriate for a pediatrician" blah blah blah. She had on slacks - you only got a glimpse of the fishnets. Sheeez. I like her a lot. She's a mom too and she totally gets where I'm coming from._________________

Edit 11:05 a.m.: Spousehole once again demonstrated some excellent parenting skills at the doctor yesterday. He was able to gently convince Boy to be weighed, measured, and take the eye exam. Then Boy had to have a Varivax booster (chicken pox vaccine). He has not handled shots well in the past. It took four people to give his flu shot last year - three to hold him, one to jab him. Yesterday Spousehole asked the nurse to bring an empty syringe when she brought Boy's shot. She then wiped Spousehole's arm, "gave him a shot" (no needle in the syringe), and put a Band-Aid on the spot, while Spousehole explained the whole procedure to Boy. Boy was still apprehensive and Spousehole had to hold Boy's free arm, but he tolerated it well. He yelled when he was poked. He cried for about 3 seconds, then stopped cold and just looked at the Band-Aid on his arm. He smiled at the Band-Aid and said "Okay, all done." He was happy to get his sticker at check-out and was fine after that. You wouldn't have known it was the same kid from the flu shot incident last year.

Frankly, the way most other Democrats behave embarasses you greatly.
You pride yourself on a high level of morals, and you have a good grasp on right and wrong.
It's likely you think America needs to get back to its conservative, Juedo-Christian values.
Why aren't you a Republican then? Because you believe the goverment helps more than hurts.