How to Please Your Dominant

Here is another one from the search terms list: “how to please your Dominant”.

Let us back up just a little bit. What happens in a Dominant/submissive relationship? One thing that happens, or should happen, is that the Dominant learns about the submissive. The Dominant should always be learning as much as possible about his submissive. Learn about her as a person, as a submissive, as a sexual being, as a spiritual being. Learn about her who she is, what she likes, how she thinks how she feels, everything about her that a Dominant can know. Reciprocally, the submissive should be learning all she can about her Dominant.

The submissive should learn the Dominant’s likes and dislikes. The submissive should ask when she does not know what those might be in a situation. She should study the Dominant to see when he is pleased and when he is displeased. I recommend submissives keep journals to help them keep track of what things please their Dominants. But that is not all.

Once you learn a thing pleases your Dominant, practice it. Get better at it. This will please your Dominant not just because you do it better, but because your taking time to become better at it for him will be pleasing.

But go deeper still. Learn about your Dominant as a person. What has he come from? What makes him feel better when he is down? What is his favorite movie, food, sound, word, sensation, color, song, voice, building, painting, artist, historical figure, et cetera. How does this help you please your Dominant? It will influence your choices as you work to please him. The more intimately you know him, the more intimately you can please him.

And let us be clear in this. I am talking about far more than just sexual pleasure. I have yet to encounter a true Dominant for whom it was all about sex. I am about make some generalizations, and if they do not all hold true for all Dominants, well, too bad.

Dominants like beauty. This does not mean you as a submissive have to look like a supermodel to please them. There are many things in the world that are beautiful. A sunrise. A forest covered in snow. A woman’s laugh. A woman’s sigh. The smell of fresh baked bread. The comforting touch of someone who loves you deeply despite all your failings. The sound of a submissive asking how she may serve. The sight of a submissive doing her best to serve with quality. There are many, many beautiful things in the world. Show a Dominant beauty, and you will please him.

Dominants like to not have to communicate when they feel like being quiet. Knowing when one’s Dominant wishes to be quiet is an important skill. I know there are times when this will be frustrating for you submissives. You will someday find yourself with a desire to talk about your day or some matter that seems important to you, and your Dominant will want you to simply be quiet for a while. Learn to respect this. Learn to know without being told when he is in that mood. This time of silence may mean your Dominant wants to be alone. As often as not, however, he will prefer you to be there with him, quietly waiting and comforting him with your presence. This will please your Dominant more than you know. It will seem hard to understand, but in this as in many things, your understanding is not required.

Dominants like when people admire their submissives. Even if those people do not know you are a submissive in a D/s relationship. What I am talking about here is being of good character with others. Be honest and respectful with others always. Be kind and compassionate and wise and understanding. When news gets back to your Dominant that people admire you and like you and generally find you to be a good person, this will please your Dominant. Go forth in the world with the understanding that what you do, how you act, what you say, how you dress, how you handle things all reflect back on your Dominant. When you look good, your Dominant looks good. This can be a more difficult rule to follow. And in some cases may seem like you cannot do this. Be patient. Keep trying. Because another thing that will please your Dominant, is to know you are improving.

The last one I am going to mention here may seem obvious at first. Dominants like when submissives are obedient. Do what your Dominant tells you to do when he tells you to do it. Sure, the spankings, the bondage can be fun. And maybe you and your Dominant like a bit of power struggle. But I have never known a Dominant who enjoyed having his relationship be one of a constant struggle for peace. There may be times when you as a submissive act up a little for fun. But know when to do that and when not. One thing that has irked me in the past is trying to get a submissive to do a simple task when she thinks she needs to act up to get attention. A little playful disobedience is one thing. But constantly trying for attention via disobedience is stressful and trying. Not to mention that it is basically the submissive trying to get rewarded for bad behavior. So be obedient. Get your reward from pleasing your Dominant, rather than constantly challenging him. If you feel you want more attention, do something pleasing to get it. Or ask for it.

There is more I could say, and perhaps I will in a future post. But what it all comes down to is this: please your Dominant by being pleasing to him. Learn about your Dominant. Pleasing him is easier when you know what pleases him. Remember, you are not there just to perform tasks. You are there also to be his companion, his friend, his confidant, and sometimes his solace. If you can learn to do that, you will please your Dominant more that he will ever be able to fully express to you.

Thank you for answering, I like what you wrote about dom and sub relationships as it is true that from what I am experiencing now a true dom does only want to bring out the women that is waiting to come out and only he knows how to bring her out. He already can control my body.(dont wish to elaborate in public) We both are on this journey together and learning everyday. Some days can be confusing and sometimes doubt sneaks in only when I allow it, like asking questions on line now, I am suppose ask him. He can be so vague, as we know most doms tell you what they want you to know, exactly when they want to, if they choose to tell you anything. Sometimes he is so vague as to keep me guessing and he knows I want instant gratification as I have been in a bad relationship for many yrs. just recently freed. (vanilla) My curiousity makes me ask many questions and he answers when he wants to. Having a relationship based on blind faith and trust is amazing and will help me grow, but it can be f hard too, as he lives far away. Thanks for telling me you wrote the other posts. Thanks for advice from the doms point of view, having a secret relationship can be lonely.

I am completely new here (to the blog) and to Dom/Sub relationships. I have newly met a Dom that in a matter of conversations completely rattled me as person.

As a new sub I have from mere misunderstandings and not knowing how to obey/rebelling against it said many of unkind-bitter- and overall acts of insecurity/sassiness.

I was told to journal and silence communication for a set amount of time and I have NOT obeyed it so far (still expressing how I feel…threatening to walk away from it all). I feel neglected and needy and so confused on how to show I want to learn now after having so much negative of behavior in my corner…

Not hearing from him bothers me severely. Breaking my silence will be more disobendance…but, I want to share I am truly trying and want to accept as ive been asked.

Not knowing but, trying to be a softer study.
any advice would be helpful.

If you have not done any journal writing, I would recommend starting there. You say you are confused on how to show you want to learn. Writing will help your brain process what you want to learn and why you want to learn it. And that will help you communicate with your Dominant about your wanting to learn.

I would also recommend that you take the time to learn a kneeling position or two. Learn how to how to gracefully settle yourself into the position and how to hold the position for your Dominant. Nothing communicates more clearly to a Dominant the desire to submit than the submissive choosing to place herself in the position of a submissive.

In other words, if you want to prove that you have changed your attitude, then change your behavior. If you want to prove your willingness to submit, then submit.

I am new to this blog as well but have found it very informative. TY by the way. But I have a question. When you talk about learning a kneeling position or two, how many positions are there to learn to show you’re desire to submit to your DOM besides ‘presenting yourself’? My DOM has explained what presenting myself to him is and I’m very much ok with this as it arouses me extremely to do this for him and he seems to be very pleased when I do it but How else can I please him without having to ask him so much “what can I do to please you?”

Any suggestions/advice would be extremely welcome and helpful. TY for your time and help with this.

You find any number of kneeling positions described on the internet. How else can you please your Dominant without asking what you can do? By paying attention to the things he does not say. What are his habits? Get creative. Don’t be afraid to make a mistake.

Okay this info is suuuper helpful :D and awesome. But I have a question. So I really like my Dom, he’s awesome, kind of standoffish but still awesome. I really want to please him but I met him maybe two weeks ago and at the time I didn’t know I was about to get really sick so I’ve been sick for awhile and there are days where I just can’t get out of bed and more often than not its when he wants to play. I told him and I think he understands and all but I’m deathly afraid that he’s going to get tired of the excuses and just walk away. Not only that, there certain toys he wants me to get that I just do not have the funds for and I’ve expressed that but I think he thinks that I’m agian just making excuses. I’m really not though, I’m a college student with a crap job and a rent I have to pay. I’m broke DX so do you think that he’s just gonna get up and move on because of this?

My first advice is that if you are ill, at least try to take vitamins everyday and get a good amount of sleep. Both of those will help your body fight off the illness. Also, make sure you are eating properly. Your body uses energy to fight illness, and it needs good fuel to make that energy.

I cannot say whether your Dominant will leave you or not because I not know him or the true nature of your relationship. If you are truly worried that he will walk away, and if you truly want him to stay, then I suggest you get creative in finding ways to show your submission to him. Also, don’t be afraid to ask him to help you pay for a toy if he really wants you to have it. Show him that you want not just to submit, but also his leadership.

Possibly you are correct that I am a sexist ass. But I think more likely is that you are just too easily offended. I speak from what I know and my personal preferences. I also have no interest in appeasing those with politically correct notions of “sexist” language. You are free to apply the information here to a situation with a male submissive, or transgender or hermaphrodite or asexual or Martian.

Insulting me, I should also say, does neither of us any good. If you were offended by my post, well, that is too bad.

No, that is not an apology. And no, I am not going to going to give you one. Have a nice day.

this is so helpful! i’m constantly worried i’m not doing enough to please my Dominant. i’ve done all these things and we actually got to know each other in a regular, vanilla relationship before he asked me to become his submissive. i am so happy to know i please my Sir! thank you for your help!

Thanks for the advice. I’m a submissive white boi who recently started serving a dominant black top. I’ve been looking for new ideas and insights. Your advice is great in part because it reinforces what I’m already doing and I find it equally applicable to the male or female sub.

Help please, very isolated 31 years of age out of a 15 year long relationship. I am not sure how to even speak to this individual who is not my dominate but rather a dominate presence. I spoke to him years ago took really bad advice and was too aggressive/dirty with my written conversation. He punished me with silence and I paid of rit. Out of the blue, I recently reached out to him, to my surprise he wrote back. He has started making me wait for his reply and he knows he’s got me hanging on the edge of my seat. I am trying not to be pushy, he allows me enough rope to hang myself and I am getting dangerously close. We are not talking dirty but I am getting restless… How do I mind my manners?

I will, thank you for your advice and wisdom. He told me to go to the gym , I was compliant , he seemed pleased. OF course rushed right home to message him about it. I have 90 more sentences to go I will write them as I practice patience and NOT manipulate or be to pushy. It has been helping me to stay focused. Thank you

How do you caution against the difference between submissive training as you speak of and abuse of a dominant.. or say narcissistic personality disorder? This is a real question from a real sub who in the past got into an abusive relationship with a dominant personality. I get you have blogs written on being a good Dom and the purpose and intent of a D/s relationship but I would worry about intentional sabotage.. say a Dom under the guise of training does not reply to his sub right away when really it’s abuse and he is gratifying himself in the way a wife might withhold sex as a weapon which is abuse although I understand not being able to submit when hurt. Wondering too if you would clarify deeper in a blog about the fine lines of abuse of power and obedience. This stuff is still new to me and seems a fine line to walk.

Sir, I like your posts especially for submissives. They have been very helpful especially in understanding where I need improvement. The one’s about Dominants are very helpful as well for me to understand what I would like from a Dominant man. I am most grateful for the information you provide.

I have a question or two. If a Dom says he will do something, would it not reflect his disrespect of a submissive if he should not follow through with what he said he would do, in the period of time he said he would do it? If he was unable to do what he told her he would do, would it not be respectful to let her know? A simple example would be saying he would reply to an email that evening and two days later still no reply and she has quietly waited.

The answer to your questions is that I think the Dominant should respect the submissive an give a reason if he cannot follow through with something he said he would do, particularly if it is something as simple as replying to an e-mail.

Are DOMS naturally possessive? Y’know like not wanting another man to touch what’s theirs? ‘Cause that sort of things are what I’m interested in.
Also, does a DOM and SUBMISSIVE sometimes get married?
What if I didn’t want my family (besides my mother) to know that he was my DOM?
Thank you very much for this passage! I believe that I do I fact want to get into this lifestyle.

Not sure why I missed responding to this before. Anyway, many Dominants are possessive. That is not always the best quality, perhaps look for one who is protective and looking to be monogamous rather than possessive. Yes, Dominants and submissives get married. What if you want to hide it all from your family, that could be difficult, but not impossible. Though that is a discussion you should have with your Dominant.

I am in a relationship with a dom. My first. I have been vanilla for all other relationships. And I usually resist his desire for me to call him sir. But I did something he told me not to last night and his tone his worry and his anger today when he spoke to me made me feel a certain way. When he said do you understand me before I realized what I had said the words yes sir cam from my moth. Him and I were both shocked. He rewarded me and it was amazing. Can you please help me to understand what happened? When I said yes sir to him today it was not just a sexual turn on but to say it and and know he was pleased by hearing me say it made me h appyn it really filled me with joy. Please help me to understand. Because I do love him and I do want to please him in every way I can.

What happened, as best I can tell from your brief description, is that he spoke with authority and you responded to that authority by calling him sir. The more you recognize his authority, the easier it will be for you to call him sir. I would suggest you consider what it means for him to be your Dominant, and what it means for you to submit to him. Adjust your thoughts so that he is an authority in your life and in your mind. Then he will not have to get angry for you to call him sir.

I am just getting into being a submissive. I have naturally been drawn to this guy and his dominant personality. His authority turns me on completely and I naturally without even really recognizing it at first would go out of my way to please him. Since we have been talking he has brought up that he is in fact a dominant and is drawn to me as well with my natural obideience towards him. We have got together a few times and it has been amazing! He has made a rule that he will contact me and to never text or call him first. Well I broke this rule and now he has said he can’t do this with me until he knows I can follow simple rules and that he will contact me..the waiting is killing me! Is this just a test of my obideience? Or is he just not interested now since I didn’t t follow rules.

It is probably a test. Wait a while. If you truly wish to do so, show you can obey. But do not wait forever. If he is testing you, he will contract you in a reasonable amount of time. If, however, more than a few weeks go by, and he has not contacted you, then start moving on. Remember that just because you are submissive does not mean you do not have your own will and life. And just because he seems exciting does not mean he is a good Dominant. Being submissive does not mean placing your self-esteem in his hands. Submissive or not, you are still your own person.

I am new to this D/S relationship. Actually this is my first time ever participating in something like this but according to my DOM I please him…I honestly feel like this is completely natural for me and before this my sex life was very vanilla…and I do not know how long I will do this but right now I am thoroughly enjoying myself.