Oh, Florida. You So Crazy

Apparently my use of the word “cray” somehow limits my credibility, so I won’t use it. But seriously. Florida’s pretty cray crazy. Here are a few stories about Florida that show just how cray crazy they are. Or maybe they just don’t have a lot to do, but they should. I mean, when we were in Tampa we had a lot to do. And by “a lot to do,” I mean, “a lot of Yuengling.” So the state can’t be all bad. Elliott assures me it’s not, anyway.

Dude Tries To Shoot Horse That Bucked Him

Yup. Lonnie Wilkerson (which, first of all, that’s definitely an aptly-named dude for this story) got hisself loaded up on vodka (not the drink I would expect) and was riding his horse back home. The horse suddenly bucked him.

So Lonnie grabs his 40-caliber pistol and tries to shoot the horse in retaliation. He was unsuccessful — didn’t even land one shot. When he got picked up they had to take him to the hospital for injuries sustained from the bucking.

I mean… I really don’t have any jokes for this. It did my job for me. Please insert joke here: (___________________).

Two Guys Arrested After Trying To Take A Picture In Front of Sheriff’s Helicopter

So, Volusia county Sheriff’s deputies were landing a helicopter in response to a trauma call. You know, their jobs. Though they were heading to a country club, so perhaps they made the trauma call up just to get an excuse to fly to a country club.

Then two guys who were completely obliterated from said country club came up with the brilliant idea to take a picture in front of the helicopter. Which, not the best idea, but hey, helicopter. They approached the parking lot, found it was blocked off. At that point, you might think, “hey, cut your losses.” Nope, their resolve was steeled. And those cray crazy kids hopped the barriers and tried to get their photo.

In a shocking twist — they got arrested, and had to be physically sent away from Air One. They admitted to having “a few drinks.”

Robbers Didn’t Understand Chinese, So They Didn’t Steal Any Money

Quickly, now — three robbers went into a Chinese restaurant. They said a lot of words in English. The Chinese restauranteurs are all: “(Chinese writing)” and the robbers got so angry that one of them pistol-whipped the register and clearly didn’t follow Army protocol about keeping your finger off the trigger — the gun accidentally discharged. Wow, that’s pretty cray crazy.

Naturally, it scared the living daylights out of everyone. Robbers took off with no money in their pockets. Or, at least, not the restaurant’s money. They might’ve had bus fare, I don’t know.

I am from Montana and the worst thing is all of that snow. Common to many northern states. The best thing is all of that snow. You dissed Montana over Florida. Have you ever been to Montana? I have been to Florida and I will take the Big Sky over Florida anytime.

Did that last story literally consist of, two guys tried to rob a chinese food store, shot a gun, ran away, got caught by a police dog? Did I miss the crazy part? That seems like some pretty run of the mill shit.