In an attempt to decode the illusive woman and how she thinks, Kalki Koechlin answers frequently asked questions posed by men.

Towards the end of the movie, Titanic (1997), Gloria Stuart’s character makes an apt observation when she says, “A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets”. But most men would give an arm and a leg to prove that it’s not just their hearts, but also the rest of them that continues to remain a mystery. Do women truly want to know if they’ve put on weight? Does Valentine’s Day really matter to them? How does a man avoid being friend-zoned? Agony Aunt Kalki Koechlin is here to answer some of these FAQs.

1. What does it mean when a woman says:a) “Fine.” I’m going to remain dignified no matter what.b) “It’s up to you.” Don’t f**k this upc) “I don’t care.” I’m so going to cry.d) “We need to talk.”Months of repression need to be let out.e) “Leave me alone.” Leave me alone.

2. Do women dress up for themselves or to actually make an impression? For themselves. They love to make an impression on themselves.

3. Why do women go to the bathroom in groups? To talk… about everything.

4. What is the one habit that can make a woman really angry? The toilet seat being left up every time.

5. What is the right answer to the question: “Am I looking fat?” Fat enough for me.

6. How is a man supposed to react when his girlfriend says, “You don’t love me anymore?”?No, I’m just using you for incredible body and intangible personality.

7. Is it safe to praise another woman in front of my girlfriend or wife? Yes. Well, most of the time. Except on days ending in ‘Y’.

8. Why do women say they want help, when they only want to do everything themselves? Because we want it all.

9. How do I know when a woman is interested in me? She ignores you at strategic moments, like when you are entering or leaving a party.

10. What’s the least hurtful way to break up with a girl?Err… give her an orgasm.

11. How can a guy avoid being friend-zoned?Stop hanging out with all her girlfriends.

12. Does Valentine’s Day really matter?Nope.

13. Do women really love receiving roses or flowers in general?Nothing is general with women, be specific to her taste. In my case, it would be white lilies.

14. What’s the big deal if you spot someone else wearing the same dress? No big deal. Click a selfie together. Call it blue, and black and white, and gold.

15. Is it true that women check out more women than they do men?I think so, yes, because women are generally more beautiful to look at.