An irreverent wise woman's blog.

05/20/2016

Humans are complex and far more mutable than we are comfortable with admitting most of the time, not least because while our own mutability can be freeing, mutability in others can be genuinely frightening. In a dangerous and changeable world, we crave something to hold on to; we need stability. Without it, we are left continually, frantically re-evaluating and unable to progress. Yet, without change, without the new, we cannot progress either; our adaptability is perhaps our greatest strength as a species. As with all things, the key is balance. Remember to hold the hands of those who love you and whom you love as you change, so they may come with you; we, none of us, are on this journey alone.

02/15/2016

I waited an hour after I woke up this morning for the nausea to abate sufficiently to attempt the daily race to get my teeth brushed before my overactive gag reflex kicks in. Why was I so nauseated? Oh, that’s just my anxiety. See, I had a good weekend. Not great, just pleasant; there was some work, some play, little strife, a fair bit of happiness and contentment. As I lay my head down on Sunday night, my stomach was already tight with an unnamed dread. My body began to show the signs of imminent doom and my anxiety whispered, “Maybe one of you won’t make it till morning.” I told it to shut up; I’m well used to its nastiness. But my body doesn’t listen to me. It listens to the anxiety. At who-knows-in-the-morning, as I sat on the toilet (anxiety triggers the bowels, you know), I debated taking one of my ultra-low-dose Xanax pills. (Long story short, my dad had a rare, fatal reaction to mind-altering medication that I am paranoid will turn out to be hereditary, so I am skittish about medication.) But I worry (oh, yes, I am very good at worrying) that I will build up an immunity to them, so I resist as much as I possibly can. (Plus Xanax is addictive, so, you know, don’t wanna go there.) I knew that if I just waited it out, I’d (probably) be okay. I had a nice advantage this time; my children had the day off school, so I wouldn’t have to worry that someone would show up there and shoot them, a concern I’ve had anywhere from every day to once a week since exactly that happened at Sandy Hook Elementary when my oldest son was the same age as the children that died there. No, today, I just had to worry about my husband driving an hour to work the morning after a snowfall. He is exceedingly experienced at driving in general and driving in the snow, specifically, so I manage to worry only a little bit. Still, I will text him to make sure he arrived safely, when the first-thing meeting he told me about should be over. With luck, he will reply immediately. He often doesn’t hear his phone or forgets to turn the ringer back on, so I’ve gone many an hour half-terrified that something had happened to him. Here’s an example, when I decided to use emojis to demonstrate the emotional effect of his delayed response:

This morning, as every morning, my last words to him were, “I love you, goodbye!”, just in case you see. I had to say it twice, because the first time I forgot to tell him to drive safely, which I always try to tell him in bad weather, just in case. Yeah, anxiety means a lot of “just in case”. And, hey, it works; I know that my last words to my father were “I love you, goodbye!” and that has given me a lot of comfort over the years since he died. There are some upsides to this condition; I also have amazing attention to detail and I’m great with structure, which comes in handy with a spouse and a child with ADHD in the house. Now, teeth brushed, I’ll be able to go about my day. I probably won’t worry again until my husband is due to come home, well, unless the boys go out to play in the snow; then I’ll have to worry about them a bit. This is the constant undercurrent of worry in my life, over which I have no control; I do not bring it forth and I cannot make it go away, only ignore and minimize it as much as possible, without suppressing or failing to acknowledge it, which makes it worse quite rapidly.

Here are a few tips for supporting someone like me:

Accept right now that there is no easy fix. I promise; we looked. We’d’ve found it by now. If it seems “obvious”, don’t say it. Just don’t go there.

Be patient. My life is just like yours, but I’m swimming through a quagmire of anxiety. It sometimes slows me down. Remember, though, that all that swimming has also made me much, much stronger. In internet parlance: “I am a delicate flower, dammit.” Treat me accordingly.

We all have things that trigger our anxiety. We can probably tell you what they are, but if you notice something we haven’t, feel free to gently and supportively point it out, if you are close enough to us to be sure you are correct. Helping us avoid or work around triggers is awesome and probably the most useful thing you can do. For example, my husband makes almost all the phone calls to strangers, because that’s very hard for me. I still do it sometimes, because exposure therapy does seem to help with anxiety, but it needs to be under my control, when I feel ready and able.

In the end, we’re all just doing the best we can to get through life with as little tragedy and as much love as possible, so, most of all, be kind to each other.

08/14/2014

While struggling to decide how to share my story about depression and suicide, a lot of people shared stuff that I identified with. I will eventually tell my personal story, but today I think I'm going to share the wisdom of others.

Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don't kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, "He fought so hard." And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.

― Sally Brampton, *Shoot The Damn Dog: A Memoir Of Depression*

"None of us can truly know what we mean to other people, and none of us can know what our future self will experience. History and philosophy ask us to remember these mysteries, to look around at friends, family, humanity, at the surprises life brings — the endless possibilities that living offers — and to persevere. There is love and insight to live for, bright moments to cherish, and even the possibility of happiness, and the chance of helping someone else through his or her own troubles. Know that people, through history and today, understand how much courage it takes to stay. Bear witness to the night side of being human and the bravery it entails, and wait for the sun. If we meditate on the record of human wisdom we may find there reason enough to persist and find our way back to happiness. The first step is to consider the arguments and evidence and choose to stay. After that, anything may happen. First, choose to stay." - Jennifer Michael Hecht

01/03/2014

This article I read talks about how casual and incorrect “jokes” or references to many serious conditions like bipolar disorder, depression, celiac disease, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder cause a cultural effect that devalues the seriousness of these conditions. Naturally, early responses include suggesting that people who share this view need to lighten up or have a sense of humor. We do have a sense of humor; if we didn’t, these things wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand. But there’s a tipping point and, in all the cases the author listed, it has been reached; this humor has now become detrimental to the very people it once demystified. I know this for several reasons; first of all, I have intimate knowledge of a couple of these conditions myself, second, I know people with some of them as well and finally and most importantly, my son has ADHD.

Back before I knew what I was dealing with, I laughed at all the “ooh, butterfly” lines, too. We’ve all been easily distracted and we can all empathize with that. Here’s the thing; that’s being easily distracted. ADHD is NOT being easily distracted. That’s where all of these things fall down; they describe the closest experience someone who is neurotypical has to what the actual condition is. The problem is that those experiences are often not even in the ballpark, and that, over time, people who haven’t encountered people with the ACTUAL condition start to think that the “jokes” are actually close to the reality. If we lived in a world where everyone was fully and completely educated on even the rarest of conditions, then it wouldn’t matter, but we don’t. We live in a world where people really think that the parent of a child with ADHD just doesn’t discipline enough. I’m here to tell you that I went to lengths I never thought I would go in disciplining my child. One of the things I have had to do since his diagnosis (at the age of six and a half) is work to undo all the damage that “discipline” caused. And that’s just one of many very inaccurate ideas that people have about ADHD that spring from pop-culture concepts and jokes.

I have learned to hate the “ooh, butterfly” line. If ONLY it was that easy. If ONLY it was that simple. So I thought about creating a better metaphor, something that would give people a real idea of what it is like to live with ADHD.

Having ADHD is walking an invisible dragon.

Most people are walking invisible dogs on permanently attached leashes, okay? They go through life and their attention-dog sees this over here or that over there and tugs them over. Now, some people have Chihuahuas and aren’t going anywhere they don’t want to go. Some people have Great Danes and WOW can they get hauled around, but some solid tugs and maybe a stern voice will eventually pull them back.

My son walks an attention-dragon. The thing FLIES, people. And all he can do is hang on to the leash for dear life and try to enjoy the ride, so that’s what he does. He’s laughing on the outside, but he knows that he is completely out of control. There is NO tugging that dragon back. It’s about 300 times his size and it can fly. I’m left standing on the ground, yelling at him to come back down, and he would like to, he really would, but he can’t, no matter how hard he tries. There have been times he’s wrestled that beast till he was in tears. Times that my fighting to hold on to him almost tore him in two.

My son takes medication that turns the dragon into a Great Dane for a number of hours. Now, Great Danes are still hard to manage, but they are miles easier than dragons and life is tremendously better for everyone. Someday, he’ll be better at controlling the dragon; most adults with ADHD don’t need medication anymore. (And just think about how amazingly strong they must be, to be able to wrestle that dragon all on their own and mostly win. My husband is that kind of person.) But, for now, my son is an eight year old kid with a dragon attached to his arm, a dragon I’m stuck fighting to keep hold of my sweet, gentle, brilliant child without hurting him in the process in a world where people all seem to think he’s being tugged by butterflies.

It’s not butterflies, people. It’s dragons.

P.S. I decided to have my son read this before I published it. He liked it, agrees with it, and thinks I understand him. It’s a good day.

11/07/2013

So, when I started my Facebook account, I decided that I would use it to post a daily gratitude. I had a friend who did them and I always enjoyed that about her; I thought FB was a perfect format for it. I was right; my practice has continued for years now and it makes a real difference in my life. But that's not what today's post is about. Today, I'm moving my gratitude here because I need just a bit more room and a bit more permanence for this one.

For much of the last couple of weeks, our life felt a like the inside of a pinball machine. My husband severely sprained his ankle while on a business trip to the other side of the world and developed a clot (also known as a DVT) on the flight home. We were in and out of the hospital several times over a matter of days. It was not fun. While I am slightly worried about jinxing myself, things have finally calmed down. My husband is stable enough to return to work, although he can't drive yet, so I drove him to work this morning. Yes, this is all backstory, and, yes, there are many gratitudes in there that I haven't mentioned, but I have thought of them!

On my trip back home, I found myself listening to a song that was, gently and soulfully, expressing dismay about the frequency of divorce these days. As I listened, I felt for the artist's pain in watching marriage after marriage fail. And then I had a thought and today's gratitude was born.

I am grateful for divorce.

"What?!", I expect some of you are thinking. The thought even passed through my mind for a split second till I began to explain to myself and things started making sense, so keep reading and we'll see how well I get this out of my head.

It is important to know some things about me. My parents were happily married till the day my father died (so it's not because I'm a damaged or bitter child of divorce). I am, as I mentioned, happily married myself. It is our first marriage; no divorce in my history or his. We have, in fact, been married for almost 18 years. It is generally observed that we are a pretty inseparable couple; people have even been known to do that thing where they squish our names together because we are such a unit. That didn't come naturally, by the way; it was a conscious and deliberate choice on both our parts to shape our lives so that we always came towards each other rather than away. This was in part because we are very different people in a lot of ways. The most compelling aspect of our early relationship was our off-the-charts chemistry; just the sort of thing that usually spells disaster (I was even fresh out of another relationship!), and we knew it. Our courtship was passionate, brief, and tumultuous. My husband-to-be was sure I was The One; I was...dramatically more skeptical. But down the aisle we went and, unlike the fairy tales, things just got more complicated from there.

In the course of our eighteen year relationship (I told you it was a brief courtship), we have been through many, many things that are often cited as a cause of divorce; infertility, infidelity, dishonesty, a child with a disability, major financial problems. I've walked out on him, he's walked out on me. There were a couple of times where our relationship held on by the slenderest thread. That said, we have never not loved each other deeply and passionately; we've only been reduced to wishing we didn't a time or a two. Everything we have been through has made us better and stronger.

So when I say I'm grateful for divorce, you can be sure it's not because I think marriage should be easy or because I don't appreciate that going through the hard stuff can deepen your relationship.

I'm grateful for divorce because everyone should be able to have a marriage like mine.

My husband was in China for nine days. Two months ago, he was there for two weeks. That's a lot of time apart for us and, while we endured the first one with relative equanimity, this second time was pretty much pure agony. We were on fire to be reunited, only to end up in an emergency room with barely time for one kiss.

In the last several days, I have been reminded again and again just how deep and passionate our relationship is, and seen it grow even deeper and more passionate as my husband (who is generally a very healthy person) gets a look into what it's like to live with pain and limitation, which I do on a daily basis. He keeps saying he doesn't know how I be me. That makes me smile and love him more, of course, because, in all these years, he's never given me a hard time because of my limitations, even though I know they frustrated him sometimes.

I could go on, but what I'm trying to say is that we have a love for the ages; the kind of thing books are written and movies are filmed about; a sweep you off your feet epic kind of thing. Not because we are particularly special, but because we got lucky and found each other and knew we had something worth keeping.

Divorce allows people who have made a mistake the freedom to correct it.

While my husband came from a relatively quiet dating history, I had, in fact, been engaged twice before. In both cases, a slightly different series of events could have led to me being stuck in a marriage that would, at best, be mediocre and probably miserable, especially if I didn't live in a time and place where divorce was a feasible option.

I am glad I didn't have to go through a divorce to learn what not to do, but there are plenty of people who aren't so lucky. I think of my own children, who aren't even on the cusp of puberty yet, and I imagine how I would feel if either of them were stuck in a marriage that was not even bad, but just meh. My heart would break for them. No one should have to settle for "meh"; this is not to say that one never should; sometimes that just the thing for someone, but they shouldn't have to.

I am grateful for divorce because it opens the door to a better, brighter future in ways we haven't even begun to imagine.

I empathize with the song I was listening to; it is sad when marriages end, even when you are just observing it, because relationships are complex and far reaching in many ways and because people of good heart always root for true love.

But I think we are in a transitional period. I think human beings are learning, as a species, what it is that makes a relationship worth keeping. It may take us as long as a couple of centuries, but we are finding our way to the place where everyone ends up in the relationship (or relationships) that are right for them. Imagine what a world would be like where that was true; where everyone, everyone, was in a relationship as deep, as passionate, as beautiful as mine (and maybe yours). Imagine the magnitude of joy that would permeate the world. Imagine how fulfilled and at peace we would be in our hearts.Imagine the gift that divorce could ultimately bring to us as a species.

I am grateful that I got to start imagining that gift, that future this morning.

P.S. I am also grateful for the mind-bendingly awesome marriage that my husband and I have worked hard to build and maintain and will, all things being equal, enjoy till our (hopefully far in the future) dying day; inexpressibly grateful.

06/21/2013

For those of you familiar with Spoon Theory (and if you aren't, she provides an explanatory link), a friend of mine pointed out this Spoon Spell. The author approaches spellcraft in a similar way to me.

05/22/2013

Over on Dreamwidth (where I keep my bird oracle blog), someone by the handle of lizcommotion posted a Giant List of Cope. As she encouraged people to do, I'm going to snag and personalize it for myself. I think her format is definitely a keeper! Please share your coping ideas in the comments; we all need all the inspiration we can get!

05/21/2013

This is a guest post by my dear friend Amy. It was written for her friends, and you'll notice a couple of signs of that, but this is such an excellent post on the topic of tornadoes that I thought it should see a wider audience. Read it and pass it around. No wisdom is so useful as practical wisdom.

Amy writes:

So, tornadoes being butts. I've said before: I like you, tornadoes, when
you are frolicking out in fields in the middle of nowhere; I like you a
lot less when you barrel into communities and kill people.

That said, this is so cynical, but yesterday I thought, “Well at least it’s not more people killing people,” after the steady barrage of shootings and terrorism we’ve been having throughout 2013 /:

Of
course people are still finding human scapegoats for their emotions in
the tragedy, like criticizing senators about how they are handling the
budget for relief funds, and I’ve also heard a few people criticize the
local schools for being open at all when there had been storm warnings
all morning (apparently not realizing that in tornado country, if school
is out of session whenever there is threat of a tornado, you might not
have much of a spring semester), or questioning why schools aren't
equipped with state-of-the-art storm shelters. (My bitter response on
behalf of most rural American schools being: Yeah, we'll get on that.
Right after we scrape up the money for textbooks that aren't from 1992).
And of course there will always be that obnoxious fringe who will chalk
it up to God’s wrath upon whatever they heck they find politically
distasteful. (Or global warming, for that matter, as if Oklahoma hasn’t
been Violent Tornado Central for centuries*). But I like to pretend
those people don’t exist . . .

*Which is to say I believe
the earth is warming, but I DON’T think it is to blame for every single
weather disaster. Tornadoes showing up in weird places and/or at weird
times of the year is one thing, but if you live in a tornado-prone area,
you really can’t be all that shocked when there are tornadoes, nor that
periodically some of them are severe.

On the bright side...

Actually, the way I see it, the human response to the storm was exactly right.
The tornadoes came during the day when citizens were alert, and the
National Weather Service was able to give 16 minutes’ advance warning to
Moore (the hardest-hit community), longer than the current average of
about 10 minutes’ warning and much longer than pre-1970s warnings
that were barely better than looking outside and seeing the funnel
cloud yourself. I’ve been reading so many reports of citizens who did
exactly what they were supposed to, getting into basements or, in the
absence of a basement, hunkering down in internal closets and bathrooms
with mattresses and helmets as is recommended by experts-- which saved
their lives. Miraculously, though service was spotty, cell phone
reception remained stable enough to facilitate the rescue of many
trapped survivors. Plaza Towers Elementary School is cited as having
been one of the most structurally-sound buildings in the county and they
followed school storm safety procedure to the T, and surely this is why
the majority of children survived the direct hit. After reading a
chilling soundbite that the Plaza Towers search and rescue was now to be
considered a recovery mission (ie: they did not expect to recover any
more living children, only bodies), initial projections of the death
toll were substantially lowered overnight as more survivors were pulled from the wreckage. There is much to be thankful for.

On
Sunday, while this was all just a vague prediction of stormy weather in
the plains early in the week, I happened to watch a documentary about
the 1974 Super Outbreak
and the major changes in storm forecasting it precipitated like Doppler
radar (they used to use old WWII physical radars and tracked storms by
hand!), a vast connected network of National Weather Service prediction
stations, a huge increase in civil warning sirens, and the widespread
adoption of school tornado drills. I don’t even want to imagine the
consequences of this storm in a pre-1970s world.

Of course,
knowing that people responded just about the best they could also kind
of makes it worse, since it highlights that no matter how well we
prepare, nature still has the upper hand. Advance warnings can get
people to basements and interior spaces, but in an EF4 or EF5, even a
basement won’t necessarily save if you if the entire house goes right
down on top of you. And as we saw with Joplin and the April 2011
outbreak in Alabama, triple-digit death tolls (such as surpass even the
Super Outbreak) are still possible when humongous storms meet populated
areas, especially when basements and cellars are not a common thing in
the area due to the terrain. And even in the relatively small death toll
of the Oklahoma outbreak, 24 dead is still 24 people (9 children!)
whose loved ones will never see them again ):

Preparedness

Like I said, I think the people of Oklahoma did exactly what they were
supposed to, but the importance of preparedness is worth repeating. Now
that I live in earthquake country-- where by the time you know the
disaster is coming, it’s already happening-- you can’t even imagine how
much I envy the prospect of a 15-minute advance warning and having a
reliable safe place to go in the first place! But I get frustrated with
how flippant some people can be about storm watches and warnings* as if
every time a siren goes off it’s some personal attack on their time, and
not because they live in a tornado-prone area and, golly gee, sometimes
there's a tornado and the community is doing them the service of
warning them. I’m sure occasionally there is a false-positive tornado
identification, but let’s be real here, you’d much rather be warned
about a tornado that doesn’t not exist than not warned about one
that ends up running over your house! And the verified tornado may be on
the other side of the county, far away from you, but if there’s a
tornado that close, even if that one doesn’t come up to visit it’s
exponentially more likely another one could fall out of the sky on top
of you. And is it really that much trouble to hang tight in your basement or closet until a warning is lifted? You know, in the interest of not dying?
Bring your iPhone and play some goddamn Angry Birds for twenty minutes
while you not die. Be honest with yourself, was what you were doing
before the warning really that much more important? More important than not dying?

*Not
to mention confused about their meanings and the advised course of
action-- though that may be a flaw of the weather service for choosing
ambiguous terms. (I know they're considering changing them?). A WATCH
means there is no tornado, but conditions are likely, so keep an eye on
the sky and weather updates, and get your bearings (know where everyone
in the family is, don’t travel out too far from home or other safe
spaces) in case conditions change rapidly. A WARNING means a tornado is
on the ground somewhere in your county and you should take shelter
immediately. It does not mean, like my sister once believed, that “A
tornado warning is warning you about the tornado coming, and a tornado
watch means you can actually watch the tornado.” Lol.

And for
chrissakes if you’ve got several DAYS to get out of town in advance of a
hurricane and everyone is telling you to GTFO . . . GTFO!

Pay
attention to civil alert sirens. Know when there are scheduled tests so
you can ignore them, but any time you hear it outside the scheduled
time, pay attention! If you live somewhere outside earshot of civil
warning sirens, invest in a weather radio or subscribe to severe weather
alerts on your phone. Frankly it's a good idea to have a second way to
check the weather no matter what the circumstances. Oldschool
battery-powered radios are nothing to scoff at when power, cell, and
Internet service could all be cut together.

If you live in
tornado country and you’ve got an accessible choice between a residence
with a basement (or cellar) and without, get the basement! XD Or get to
know nearby neighbors and see about using theirs in an emergency. (But
be reasonable; if you're considering dashing across a field to a distant
neighbor in a rural area, or driving to a friend's all the way across
town, you’re better off in your bathroom). If you don't have a basement,
plan ahead about which interior closet or bathroom would be safest to
ride out a storm. It sounds silly, but consider grabbing a bike helmet,
especially for kids!

If you live in a mobile home, research
shelter options in your area. The park may have its own designated
shelter, or you may have use of a neighboring brick-and-mortar building
for this purpose. Know that inside your mobile home is basically the
worst place you can ride out a storm. Don't stay there. You're better
off lying in a ditch. Literally.

If you live in an apartment,
investigate the best place to go in a storm. Is there a basement? Is
there a windowless space on the first floor? Can you make a friend on
the first floor and hang out in their bathroom?

If you’re
driving, if you can get out of your car and inside a sturdy building, do
it. If there’s nothing around you and you’ve got enough distance, you
may be able to evade a (small) tornado by driving away at a 90-degree
angle to its path-- but by the time you see the tornado, it’s probably
too late for this, especially if you can’t go off-road. Get out of the
car and get away from it. It’s counterintuitive as fuck, but STAY OUT IN
THE OPEN. Lie in a ditch (like the drainage ditches on the side of a
highway) or as flat against the ground as you can. Do not hide in or
under your car, which will likely be blown over or even picked up and
thrown. Do not go under an overpass, where wind speeds will be as much
as doubled by the windtunnel effect through the enclosed space.

Find
out about the storm procedures at your child’s school. Do they practice
storm drills? How soon into the school year and how often? Where are
the safe places students directed to? Schools generally don’t have
shelters or basements, so the safest place is an interior hallway-- no
windows, no exterior doors, no glass-- on the main floor when possible.
(A school I student-taught at had students on the third floor go to a
hallway on the second because apparently there simply wasn’t enough room
on the first. This kind of freaked me out!). Bathrooms are good, too.
Gyms, cafeterias, and auditoriums-- large rooms with a wide, relatively
unsupported ceiling-- are not. (My elementary school once put us in the
gym and I was like WTF?). I read about one family in this tornado who
actually pulled their kids out of school to bring them home for the
storm. I wouldn't really advocate that, since you'd have to have the
time to get there and back before the storm hit, time which you probably
don't have-- but I will say I wouldn't think you were crazy if you kept
a child from catching the bus to school or waited to leave home to drop
them off if the weather looked super bad at the time.

If there's
violent storms in your area, plan around them. If you feel like it
could be dangerous, even if you're not *sure,* wait a while before you
leave home or send family members out. Violent storms can sweep in very
suddenly-- and are often over in just as long, so it's really not a huge
inconvenience even if nothing dramatic goes down. Don't be on the road
if you can help it. Keep the family together if possible, but don't try
to travel to one another during the storm; plan ahead about ways to get
in touch and safe places to meet if a disaster occurs when separated.
Don't wait until an emergency is declared, but gather animals-- who are
often difficult to corral in a panic-- into a safe place just in case.

You
guys know I love to watch storms. But when I watch storms, I stick
close to home, minutes from the safety of my basement. Because I love
weather, I keep up to date with the progress of storms as a rule, even
when they're still states away-- but I still jump when I hear that
siren. Frankly the reason I still haven't seen a tornado is because I do
play it safe; I missed seeing a funnel cloud drift over the lake
because I was in the basement tracking updates from the weather service,
exactly what experts agree I should have been doing. And I'm someone
who knows a far bit about the anatomy of a tornadic storm and the safe
place to be around a tornado (but still would like to learn more before I
go out looking for one specifically!-- better get on that, since it's
on my 26 before 27, lol). If you know very little about them, definitely
your best bet is to do the safe thing and follow recommended advice
about storm watches and warnings. Don't take the risk!

05/15/2013

I came across a nice little article on ritual today. In short, ritual works to reduce anxiety, stress, grief, and more. Ritual gives us a sense of control, even when we don't have any control, which helps us fight our instinct to avoid risk. Ritual helps us to begin the process of working through grief or loss.

I believe in ritual. Ritual takes us out of the everyday and allows us to acknowledge important events in ways that our minds are designed to remember, much like a mnemonic device. Ritual takes us out of ourselves and into a different, more communal place, allowing us to feel supported and connected. Ritual is a different way of communicating with the universe, which, in my practice, allows me to tell the difference between my magical efforts and simple thought or general wishing and hoping.

We are in a time when we are in need of new rituals; the old ones often no longer apply. It's hard to establish new rituals, because at least some of the power of rituals is in their very tradition, but we have to keep trying, keep making rituals that have meaning for us, because this is a language we cannot let die out.

I created ceremonies for my children to welcome them to the world. I found these to me moving and powerful, and I am glad for the legacy they leave to my sons. The creation of a ritual is itself good for the soul; give yourself the comfort of a ritual for something that is difficult for you. Share it with us!

04/26/2013

Sorry, everyone, for my almost year-long silence! It's not because I wasn't thinking of you. In fact, I think of this blog practically every day. See, I have my logo on the back window of my minivan, and the part of it I see best is the part that says "Wise Woman". I like that, because it reminds me that I have something to live up to, and I think I mostly do. But I've been very busy, mostly being involved with my local Unitarian Universalist fellowship, and the entries I often started in my head never got finished, let alone actually published. I'm not making any promises now; I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with this blog at the moment, but I wanted to finally let you know what's been going on, at least. Watch for a more definitive post in the near-ish future!

05/13/2012

Happy Mother's Day! I don't know about you, but my husband kind of mucked up a bit on this holiday this year. He's busy making it up to me today, but when I came across this article this morning, I was glad!

03/15/2012

I came across this article on the Always Broken Goddess.The future is never set. We have a path that we are walking down. Sometimes, we choose to leave that path for one reason or another; sometimes, something forces us to leave that path. That moment is an ending, but also a beginning, and it is a beginning of so much potential that we are often stymied, paralyzed by the sheer amount of choice, when there are so many options and each of them equally valid and even equally appealing. It's not just one step; it is a whole path you are choosing. It is human nature to remain on a path once we set foot on it unless we have a powerful motivation to change, so it is absolutely, perfectly sensible to be intimidated. However, if we refuse to choose, we end up stuck at the end of a path; no way forward, and wandering back becomes less and less comforting as time goes on. (Note: Sometimes, however, it is good to embrace that journey to the past. Don't let it be one of sorrow, but of genuine curiosity, revisiting the past with new eyes, looking for new information, for things that can be gleaned...you might stumble on a whole new path by doing this.)

I have had reason to contemplate what would happen in my own life if my marriage failed. Like the goddess in the article, I can see the many, many me's that the future could hold. While I have no intention of leaving my marriage; we are very much in love; I can see alternate futures that are nearly as tempting as the one I can expect from the path I am on. I am fortunate in this way; it helps that I'm a seer in general, I imagine.

If you are having trouble seeing your future, find yourself a many sided crystal or mirror. Contemplate your many selves and then shatter the crystal or mirror. See the pieces? There is a you, a whole you, in each one. Contemplate the choices you have and envision the paths that you will walk if you make these choices. Imbue the pieces with these paths so that you can have something to hold and sort and feel. Contemplate what path you want most to go down. Consider the whole path as far as you can imagine it; not just what the end result will be or the immediate future, but as much of it as you can. Give yourself a time limit; an hour, a day, a week...no more than a month or so...for this pondering. Wait too long and your paths will change and you will have to start over. Make a choice. It is YOUR life. It is, and will always be, first and foremost, YOUR life. YOU have the power to choose it; no one else. Make your choice; take your step; find your way forward onto this new path.

The other paths will fall away; that's okay! Some think that every path is followed in some dimension or other; believing this may make letting them go easier. If you don't believe this, understand that, the moment you made your choice, those paths were no longer for you, because you were no longer the same. If you regret your choice, begin again right at that moment to choose a path...get a whole new crystal and everything; it's okay! Nothing is forever; the only constant is change. Embrace this and change becomes easier to effect.

01/21/2012

Check out this AWESOME album! (Disclaimer: A good friend is part of this group. But I don't advertise just because a friend did it, or you'd see a LOT more stuff; I have many creative and talented friends!)

This album makes me wish I was a full-on Pagan, and I hope to hear a lot more music like this in the future! In most Pagan music, either the lyrics are obscure or the music is. This is accessible in every way for those of us with more mid-line tastes, and that's really nifty!

The following is what I wrote three years ago, upon learning about Lasantha.

It's been a long time since I listened, really listened, to Christmas music. It's not that I don't like it, it's just that I'm not Christian…

Funny how those few words, in the society I live in, carry so much baggage. Someone asked my new son's name, and said, "A good Christian name...", when I mentioned that his middle name is Xavier. In our case, it's strictly because the X makes it kind of cool and my dad, who died, liked it. But, in thinking about it, it occurred to me that I could think of it as ex-savior, and that works for me, because I chose not to be a savior. Yes, it can be a choice, and I chose not, arguably the most selfish choice one can make. (Although it helps that I knew I would fail.) I didn't want to save the world; I wanted to share my life with someone and raise children, and I am. I still sometimes struggle with the guilt, though, like when I read about people like Lasantha Wickrematunge. Let him tell you his story in his own words: And Then They Came For Me

Real heroes walk the earth every day, heroes that should leave all of us humbled and weeping with their grace, their courage and their sacrifice. He was such a one.

A savior, in the vernacular of my language, is a supreme hero, one who literally heals all wounds, literally keeps everything and everyone safe. Heroes are not good enough for human beings...we long for something even more awe-inspiring and comforting. We long to be saved. We cling, so many of us, to the dream of someone who will bring us goodness and light, who will stay close by us forever and love us, who will bring joy to the world. We are all little children in our hearts, looking for someone to soothe our hurts, to bathe us in unconditional and unfailing love.

We rarely think much about what it might be like, what it might take to BE a savior. We barely grasp, generally, what it takes and what it means to be a real hero. If we did, we might all sit and cry and cry because it is simply more than anyone can imagine to choose a role like that. It must be thrust upon the savior and that is the cruelest act of all, to demand such a thing of anyone.

Some few of us know the dream for what it is and look tenderly upon the vulnerable hearts of others that know not what they really ask as we accept that no savior is coming for us…nor would we wish for one, knowing what we ask. We may have the hearts of heroes ourselves…perhaps the first courage is the courage to refrain from seeking a savior, to go out on your own in a fickle universe and, as another hero said, be the change you want to see.

10/31/2011

Personally, I prefer to celebrate the secular Halloween holiday, but I usually squeeze in a nod to Samhain as well. Today, as a gift, have this spell I designed during my Magic and Wisdom Bonanza!

End a Creative Slump

Get a piece of larch wood. Carve it (carefully!) into a rough key shape. As you carve, concentrate on opening your mind to inspiration. Burn the key (safely!) to ashes, asking that your creativity be freed from its blockage. Take the ashes (in a clean cloth) to a crossroads and scatter them in the middle. Go out and get a peridot; you can just get the stone or you can buy a piece of jewelry if you like. Carry or wear it for a month (keep it on your nightstand at night) and concentrate on remaining open to inspiration and creativity should return to you. When you have moments of inspiration/creativity, no matter how small, do not let them pass; stop what you are doing and engage in your creativity.

08/24/2011

MAN, I love the word "conundrum", don't you? I want to just say it over and over sometimes. Sorry, English geek moment. :) Here's the spell, prompted and sponsored by the always-awesome Jake.

Get a good quality, very clear piece of quartz with a point at one end. Go to a crossroads. Sit on the ground in the middle of the crossroads, lay the quartz in front of you and point it to whatever direction feels right. Wait for a while, open to inspiration to solve your conundrum. Do the same for the other three directions. Then set the quartz into the ground pointing up and sprinkle salt over it. Get up and go home (best if you can be within walking distance.) Have a black candle and a sprig of rosemary ready. Light the candle and burn the rosemary. Close your eyes and ask Coyote to help you with your problem. Ask for a solution that will make all parties involved content. Meditate like this for about half an hour, then put out the candle and go to bed. If you have not yet had an inspiration, wait a few weeks to see if something presents itself, then you can try this again. If you don’t reach a solution after the second effort, there is no solution that will make all parties content, and you have to decide on the next best option.

There are also two dollars in the general fund now; when I've finished writing, I'll see if there's any more and hopefully be able to post something else for all of you. :)

08/23/2011

My first prompt is also my first freebie, since everyone can always use a good money spell!

Success in Business

While thinking or speaking aloud your commitment to success in business, your willingness to work hard and honestly/to provide good quality product at a good price in exchange for a good, commensurate income (without these genuine convictions, the spell will not work), grind 2-4 leaves of basil into a paste using a mortar and pestle. Mash a ripe but not overripe avocado and mix in the basil and a couple of drops of bergamot oil (be careful, as bergamot oil makes skin more sensitive to sunlight; use only this small amount!). Take a small portion onto your finger and rub it into your wrists like a cologne or perfume. (Make sure you are not allergic to any of the ingredients!) Wear this to job interviews or when doing face-to-face business of any kind.

Basil is a plant of plenty (grows like MAD, as my own garden attests!) and naturally attractive as a scent (of course, some people hate the smell; nothing is liked by everyone!). Avocado is a lubricant, which every interaction benefits from, as well as being rich in healthy fat; fat is the richest of the nutrients we consume, thus why we only need to consume a little! Bergamot oil specifically attracts financial good fortune, and is also a popular, attractive scent.

Keep in mind that an increase in income usually means an increase in spending; no magic will help you if you are not careful and sensible with your finances!

This spell, which took me about 45 minutes to design, would normally cost about $15. My magical spells are usually not this general; the more specific and personalized a spell is, the more effective it will be.

So, let's try something new. You comment with a prompt, and I'll write to it. You may ask for wisdom or magic or leave it up to me. You can leave one word, a whole paragraph or more, you may post a real or fictional problem or dilemma, whatever you want. I will write and post at least one thing free. If I make $50 in tips, you get one wisdom piece and one magic piece guaranteed. If I go over $100, you'll get at least two of each type of work. If tips go still higher, I'll add more incentives! (And feel free to suggest incentives; this is a trial run, after all!)

1. I am not Wiccan. I don't even consider myself Pagan. I'm an atheist who sees magic as a natural force, like magnetism or electricity, that we simply don't really understand yet. With that in mind, I make NO promises or guarantees; I can design a spell, but I can't make it work if it's not gonna work. I will not design a spell that might, by my estimate, be harmful to anyone or anything. I have no ethical problem with charging for my magical services, as I consider them to be the same as any other skill or talent that a person is free to use to support him or herself.

2. I am not a doctor or a lawyer or a psychiatrist, and what you do with any advice I give you is completely and totally your responsibility. I advise to the best of my ability from considerable life experience and education. Your choices are yours to make.

3. I am a SAHM with two small boys and limited time. I'm leaving this open for a full 24 hours so that all time zones get a shot. I will do my best to write as quickly as possible, but quality is more important, I think we can all agree, so while I will promise that SOMETHING will be up within 24 hours, it may be a week or two or even more (if prompts get really crazy) before I'm done. I'm not promising to write for everyone this time, though I will do my best. I will give you a small preview or summary of what I create and how much it costs; anyone (prompter or not) may purchase anything I've created for public OR private viewing. All ownership and copyright remains with me; your purchase allows you the same level of use you would have of a book you have purchased; you may not profit from my work or remove my attribution.

So, do you have a problem you are struggling with? Feel free to share it Dear Abby style. Maybe your fictional character(s) have problems they need advice on? Again, ask! Is there simply a word you want to eek all the wisdom out of? Try me! Do you think a magical spell or ritual might help you out? Let me know and I'll see what I can design for you!

07/06/2011

"There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice." - Mark Twain

This turned up in my daily quotes this morning, and serves as a timely inspiration for this month's post. You see, my oldest son turns 6 tomorrow, and he has been utterly fearless since infancy. As an adult, his fearlessness will allow him, like his father, to be bold, to take life by the horns and turn it his way, but, right now, it often serves as a way to give his grandmother a near heart attack. (Mom, that is, I, am already pretty inured to his lack of fear.) A little caution, such as the very sensible amount his little brother displays, would definitely not go amiss at this stage! But each child is an individual, and I know that, like his father, his fearlessness is part of who my oldest is, just as my youngest's tendency for dramatics is irrevocably linked to his deeply passionate personality...and I know where that comes from quite intimately!

Human beings are still simple beasts at heart, and we would, as a rule, very much like a nice black and white world, where courage is always good and cowardice is always bad, but evolution is wiser than we are by far, and there is a reason all those so-called negative qualities keep hanging on, generation after generation. I think, when it comes to cowardice, good ol' Mr. Clemens hit the nail on the head. A little internal fear of negative consequences can go a long way towards preventing really stellar moments of stupidity.

Being too giving is just as bad for your average human as being too selfish, albeit in very different ways...but there's a place for those that can't help being one or the other, too. In the end, the social species that we are needs this diversity to be successful; there are moments when we need that hard hearted bastard and moments when we need that bleeding heart hippie; we balance each other out in the end and we're all the better for it.

There are a lot of damn stubborn people out there; but it's those of us with innate, intense levels of determination that can make it through the hardest times, that can survive in the face of insurmountable odds because we simply refuse to give up. We are complex organisms in ourselves, but as a species, we are a kind of giant complex organism; some of us are the heart, some the liver, some the white blood cells, some red, and so on. It is wise, as often as we can, to take the long view, to remember that sometimes a person serves as a dire warning to the rest of us, sometimes as an inspiration, and both and all have their place in a vast and complex universe.