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Recently, I was talking with a friend about all the reasons her life didn’t seem to be working for her. One of the things I kept noticing is the way she insisted she could not do things any differently because of these very unique circumstances she was embroiled in. I said to her, “but if you continue to do things the exact same way, don’t you think you’ll continue to get the exact same results….ie, more of what you don’t want?” She heard me loud and clear but was on the verge of getting upset because she thought I wasn’t hearing and understanding her. What I heard was a woman fighting for her limitations. I had a Eureka moment when I realised what was happening is something that I also do from time to time. We all do.

We will think about what it is we really want – but then spend lots of time and energy going over and over why we cannot have it or what is in our way. While knowing our roadblocks is part of getting clear about solutions, this insistence to and attachment to our roadblocks is what is keeping us stuck. I want to keep this simple and honest, so I will claim that statement: My insistence and attachment to my limitations is what is keeping me stuck.

Now you may be thinking, “I am certainly not attached to my limitations, I want them gone!” I believe that you want them gone but in order to remove them you must stop fighting for them. You fight for your limitations when you insist that you could never retrain in a new field because you are too old. You fight for your limitations when you state, with certainty, that you cannot travel because you would not be able to keep your job if you did that. You fight for your limitations when you say you could never get your book published because you don’t have an agent and don’t know how to self-publish. One thing is certain; if you fight for your limitations, they are yours. I am going to stop doing this even though some of the reasons I have for not getting what I want seem very big and unresolvable. I think it is easier to take small steps in the direction of my goals than to give up on them all together.

We all create a story about ourselves and the way life works based on past experiences. We’ve all had negative experiences that have hurt, shamed, or frightened us and so usually parts of this story are pretty negative. Because hurt, shame, and fear are so powerful – and we all have a strong tendency to put more emphasis on the negative than the positive – we have all built negative stories around not achieving enough, not being enough.

Here are some common deflating and self-defeating limiting beliefs we hold onto:

I do not belong.

I am not enough.

Life is hard.

Money is hard to come by.

People are not to be trusted.

Bad things always happen to me.

Everyone else is better than me.

No one loves me.

Something is wrong with me.

I should be doing more.

Even though I don’t want to, I have to ______________ because of ___________________.

Love is painful.

Do any of these sound familiar? Once we have formed these limiting beliefs, we go out and collect evidence that supports our story and tend to disregard things that don’t go with the stories we’ve made up about ourselves. For instance, if you believe that bad stuff happens to you or life is hard, you will use everything from not finding a parking space to losing a job as evidence to reinforce this limiting (and untrue!) story but will think it is a one-off fluke when something positive happens. Once you have the belief that “Life is Hard” your mind will filter out most of what happens that contradicts this. It’s how beliefs work.

Why do we keep repeating a story we don’t want to tell anymore? It has become habitual for us to do that. We can choose a fresh alternative, even if we had some very bad stuff happen to us in life. We don’t have to keep re-living the bad stuff. My past is not my identity. I am not my story. I find that I do sometimes believe “the story” (yes….I think sometimes I am too old to get a qualification in Nutrition, or that I don’t have the IT skills necessary to self-publish a book I wrote more than a year ago…) but it helps when I soften the edge of my “knowing” and just get curious about that which lights me up. One step at a time, I go a little further in the direction of what attracts me without putting any requirements on myself. I allow myself to get pleasure from the process and not get consumed by the goal.

I don’t always accomplish and achieve huge goals quickly this way. But I definitely enjoy my every day life more when I incorporate the juiciness of participating in what attracts me without shutting myself down with…”You’ll never get that book published”….or, “who do you think you are?” kinds of feelings.

Please stop coming up with all the reasons you cannot afford something. Or do not have a great relationship. Or are stuck in a job you don’t like. Or whatever else you are convincing yourself is unchangeable. Maybe you cannot do it all right now, but you may be able to take small steps in the direction of That Which Makes You Smile. (I recently bought a Mac Pro that I “couldn’t afford” by saving my spare change for a couple of years! I am using it right now.)

I understand that sometimes there are circumstances that are difficult. I know that sometimes it seems like you do not have choices about certain things. Sometimes it means the dream has to be modified, or it means not now (not no), or it means you must do something entirely different. Even if you cannot change an external circumstance (right now), you ALWAYS have a choice about how you perceive and respond to it. I know this is old advice, but it is Truth. I am not a victim of my circumstances. I do have a choice in what I do next, even if the choice is how I respond.

Stop fighting for your limitations, or they will surely be your truth!

Since you are the only one that thinks inside your head, it would seem that choosing positive thoughts and creating good healthy mental patterns would be quite easy. But for any of us who have tried to walk this path and create thoughts, behaviors, and habits that lead to the life we want to manifest, we all know that it’s not always as easy as it sounds. Despite our best intentions, at times we get engulfed in the negative story line.

Besides going through emotional upsets and even traumas in each of our respective lives, as a species we also have a negativity bias built into our brains that makes it easier to lean towards the negative. Indeed, left to our own devices, we all tend to put more weight on the negative than the positive in our lives. Yes, we can get a nice warm glow when someone gives us a sincere compliment or praises our achievements. But where is the residual value of this praise if we are wounded so easily by criticism or a harsh word by an unmindful, thoughtless person? Think of how easy it is to allow a negative story line to spiral out of control in our minds until we are convinced that we are not loveable or worthwhile. It often doesn’t take much for us to sink to a low depth in our self esteem.

You can devote some time to doing things that make you feel good, that make you laugh, that give you a high. But those same demons will sneak in the back door as soon as something goes very wrong, or someone decides to take their frustration or own low self esteem out on you. The yo-yo method of Mental Outlook doesn’t work any better than the yo-yo method of dieting. We swing from “vine to vine”, looking for something else (we’re not sure exactly what) because we don’t see we are already whole and complete as we are right now. We have to wake up and tune into this.

What really helps take you further down the path of love and acceptance is a conscious choice, then being willing to do the work to make this happen. Geeze,,,,it’s like so many other things, eh? Even a positive mental outlook takes work, a bit of mental and spiritual weigh-lifting. This is not because we are lacking in any way, but most of us have learned what we know and believe from others, who had their own wounds and issues to work out. “Unearthing” the richness of who we are and what we have to offer takes work mainly because we have to get rid of the unnecessary baggage before we can dive deep. It is simply part of our life’s work to discover first hand what is true for us and not just blindly accept another’s blueprint for our life.

For me, a meditation and yoga practice is important for clearing the clutter in my mind and tuning in but there are other practices that can be just as valuable, including Tai’ Chi and Qi gong (pronounced Chi Gong). I believe a spiritual practice of some sort – whatever that is for you – is important for a sense of fulfilment and vitality. Does the word “spiritual” bother you? Then pick another word. But a practice where you can quiet the mind and stop the chaos, and feel a part of something greater than just yourself and your problems is crucial for good health. This positive spiritual practice will help you plug into things that really nourish and recharge you. You must nourish yourself, otherwise it won’t take long for you to become depleted. Even if your time is limited, you can set priorities and let something go so you can have a mini-break and recover. You only have 30 minutes while the baby sleeps? Spend it meditating instead of watching some silly TV program. The meditation will leave you more calm and refreshed than the TV. Remember that you can only do one thing at a time well, whatever the hype is about “multi-tasking”. If you try to open up too many windows on your computer, what happens? It crashes! So will you. Get calm, close some windows, take a deep breath, and focus on the one thing you need to do in front of you. When that is done, you can move on to the next thing. Work on one “window” at a time.

By now, we’ve all heard how important a positive attitude is for health and happiness, and more than likely you’ve incorporated some of this sage advice into your life already. If so, good for you! If not, don’t take my word for it – just commit to adding some positive practices, such as positive affirmations and a gratitude journal, yoga, meditation, etc. into your life every day for one month, and then see if your life improves. If it doesn’t you’ve lost nothing. But you will never know that life can be so much better if you don’t give it a try.

Suggestions to get started:

Commit to devoting time to becoming the person you want to be. Writing an agreement with yourself is good, or teaming up with a good friend can also be beneficial. It is not easy to stay the course on your own if you have no experience with this. Work out one or two small steps to begin in the direction of your goal (even if the goal is just a vague idea like “I want to be a better person”). You can get more specific after you begin and get more clear on what is important to you.

Start small, and add to this as you have some success. Meditate for a few minutes (10 is good, then add more time.), write in a gratitude journal every day for 30 days without fail, look at yourself in the eyes every morning and say something positive.

Practice mindfulness. Try “closing all the Windows” and being present – to the activity you are doing, to the person you are with, to the feelings you are having. Notice the next breath and place your full attention on this. Place your focus on the sensations in your body….is your jaw tight, are you slouching, are you warm or cool, is there discomfort anywhere in your body? Tune in and really feel what is happening for a few moments. It can start this small, but be fully present to what is happening now.

Bring more positive people in your life. Spend more time with the ones you already know. Limit your time with people who bring you down, make you doubt yourself. Don’t waste your precious time with people who want to tear you down.

Be persistent but kind to yourself. Don’t immediately think, “I’m no good at this” when you try meditation and your mind is all over the place. If you had to fly a jet plane, you would probably not feel confident your first try. So just show up for it, no matter what happens. Be present for the chaos, for the calm, for the anger, and for the happiness. No judgement.

Feel free to let me know how you do with this, or for that matter, how you feel about this post.

Other people’s opinion of me is none of my business. Intellectually, this is a statement that we can believe. Since you cannot control other people’s thoughts, and since neither people nor their thoughts are perfect, then it really makes no sense to live your life based on your flawed impressions of other people’s flawed impressions of you. Got it? Great! I would stop right now, except for one thing.

Emotionally, as a species, we are built to care about what other people think of us. Except for people who have personality disorders or are sociopaths, we are hard-wired to care what people think of us. It’s part of our social-being biology. Because of this hard-wiring, we operate under the scrutiny of an imaginary audience which social scientists call our “generalized other”. Some of our “others” give us a daily dose of warmth and encouragement; some can be witheringly cruel. Even if your “generalized other” is mean and cruel, you cannot just will yourself to be indifferent to it.

The key to ending the tyranny of this “generalized other” is to spend some time really hearing what is going on in your head the next time you try to step out of your “norm” and dare to do something different. If you feel afraid, or shut down, pay attention to the voices you hear that are being critical. Often these voices are from very real people in your life, usually from your childhood. We develop this sense of the “generalized other” very haphazardly, especially during childhood, and tend to pay the most attention to the cruellest people – people who hurt our feeling or shamed us, or undermined our dreams. We allowed these people’s voices to become part of our “generalized other” so we could avoid attacks from them. As children, we obsessed about living up to their standards so we could be safe. And unless we consciously have made changes, these wicked trolls still live in our heads and try to control us! So, as adults, even though we know that what “they” think of me is none of my business, these mean folks are still alive and kicking in your head.

So what to do about this? You fire them….give them their pink slips and kindly thank them for their input, but explain you are now headed in a new direction. But your key to success is to reassemble a new committee to represent your “generalized other”. Remember, as social beings, we need the committee. But choose wisely.

The new “chair” of your committee needs to be one who loves and accepts you unconditionally. If you don’t know any accepting people, you must find one. This person doesn’t actually have to be alive…or even human. If you’re stumped, think of someone who has treated you with respect and kindness (a teacher, grandma, relative, or even a furry animal!). It can be a writer or a spiritual teacher, or a higher power. But, please reject any idea of an insane, jealous God who loves to hand out one-way tickets to hell. You’ve probably had enough of that. I am referring to a loving presence in your life who wants nothing but your happiness. Do NOT offer a seat in the committee of your “generalized other” to anything less than a loving presence. Then, start adding a few other positive people – living or deceased – to your “committee. You only need a very few people to represent the whole world to the irrational and emotional part of your brain that allows other people’s opinions to control you. Just be sure they are all on your side.

Finally, the most important step….you must consciously connect with these new committee members every day for at least 30 days. Longer than 30 days is better, but I don’t want this to seem overwhelming. Connect with your new “committee” (ie., generalized other) by spending time reading their words,, meditating, Facebooking, watching, and/or physically interacting with your new loving, accepting, encouraging Committee. It will feel weird at first, but if you stick with it, positive changes will occur.

So, if you continually do things that hold no joy for you, never feel you are good enough, believe that deep down, people don’t really like you very much or at least wouldn’t like you very much if they REALLY knew you, then do yourself a huge service. Oust your internal critics who say you’re not good enough, that you are on the wrong track, that you’re not very cool or smart. Choose to be watched over by people who forgive your errors and believe in you. And….if this makes me a bit crazy in your eyes, or just plain bonkers, that’s ok. It is really none of my business.