I Remember

I remember wondering if it would hurt to pull the trigger… and wondering if even that would silence the voices in my head that told me that God hated me and I was an awful daughter. And if anyone would even miss me.

I remember trying so hard to look like all the other ATI girls at the Institute in Basic Life Principles Seminar. Because they were so godly, so happy… They must’ve been doing something right.

I remember musing aloud to my mom during a geography lesson that I would love to visit the Bad-Lands sometime because they looked so wild, beautiful, and untamed. And she then telling me I should examine my heart because it obviously had rebellion in it.

I remember being told that godly girls treated their siblings with selflessness and submitted to their parents in all things. And that I wasn’t doing that.

I remember thinking I would never be a godly girl. And I desperately wanted to be.

I remember my mom lamenting, “Why can’t you be more like _____?! I’ll bet she never talks to her parents like you’re talking to us!!”

I remember signing a paper when I went to teach a Children’s Institute that stated, “I believe that my parents are God’s ultimate authority in my life, that they are an umbrella of protection for me, and I will strive to obey them because they are directing me in the will of God,” even though I didn’t believe it. And I felt guilty for a whole year because I had lied on a contract.

I remember standing in front of my mirror in a long denim skirt and button-up shirt that was 2 sizes too big and wishing I could dress in cute clothes. And wondering if I was going to defraud anyone that day. And feeling guilty for all of it.

I remember resenting my best friends because they got to look cute and girly and I had to dress like a frumpy homeschooler. And I hated my parents. Then, of course, felt guilty. Dad said I should be glad I wasn’t wearing pants like them. Guys could stare at their butts instead of ours.

I remember the day I wore jeans and a cute top to college for the first time. I felt elated and fearful.

I remember the day I stopped worrying that my parents were going to send someone to my college to spy on me, who would then see that I was dressing “immodestly” and report back to them. And I didn’t even feel guilty.

I remember crying because they wanted me to shut down my heart and just do what they say. I remember knowing I could never do that.

I remember being angry that a parent could ever ask their child to choose between their way and God’s way.

I remember asking Sky why in the world he wanted to marry me when I was so selfish.

"What makes you think you're selfish?" he asked.

"My parents always say so."

"Well, they're wrong," he said.

"You're one of the most selfless people I know."

And I cried.

I remember them telling me that loving Sky was dishonoring to God. That I wasn’t following God’s will for me. That maybe I wasn’t even saved.

I remember them telling me that no man would ever want to marry me because I wasn’t submissive enough. I was too independent and strong-willed. And I assumed they were right.

I remember not being able to tell them I loved them. Because I couldn’t lie just to make them happy.

I remember one time Mom said, “I love you,” and I replied over my shoulder, walking away, “Yeah right.” She looked like I’d hit her with a two-by-four. She never said anything about that incident again. I felt terrible later.

I remember the first time Sky kissed me. And I was surprised that I didn’t feel guilty. I felt like I was flying and that all was suddenly right with the world.

I remember the day I finally gave up trying to please anyone but God. It was a turning point in my life.

I remember the shackles falling off, one after one, day after day, until I was free and ready to be the person God was making me. I cried for a long time…. for the joy and freedom in my heart, for the loss and pain, for the severing of relationships that wasn’t my fault.

I remember the day that I realized that these memories don’t hurt anymore. That I don’t hate my parents for any of it. That I can remember these things and feel loss, but not bitterness. That God must’ve done this.

I write these things, mothers and fathers, so you may understand that what you say and do when your children are young will have a profound impact on the rest of their lives…for good or for evil. Your motives will not matter; your words and actions will. As a fellow parent, I urge you to daily run to the One who showers grace on you so that you may shower it on your children. What will they write about us when they are grown?? Will they say we stood for truth and mercy, even in our imperfection? Or that we stood for the rules and commandments of men?

I write these things, brothers and sisters, so you know you are not alone. That all manner of hurtful things are done and said in the name of God, love, and wanting what’s best for you. That you’re not crazy–they really did say such absurd things, and it wasn’t your fault. That love cannot be earned by performance. It is a freely given gift. That there is hope for healing, forgiveness, and freedom… even if you cannot imagine it right now. God is in the business of restoration.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion–to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. Aliens will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. And you will be called priests of the LORD, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast. Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs. For I, the LORD, love justice; I hate robbery and iniquity. In my faithfulness I will reward them and make an everlasting covenant with them. Their descendants will be known among the nations and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the LORD has blessed. I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations. Isaiah 61

All articles on this site reflect the views of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of other Recovering Grace contributors or the leadership of the site. Students who have survived Gothardism tend to end up at a wide variety of places on the spiritual and theological spectrum, thus the diversity of opinions expressed on this website reflects that. For our official statement of beliefs, click here.

About the author

Darcy is a seeker, Jesus-lover, and a bit of a rebel. She was homeschooled her whole life, raised in a cultic church and with the principles taught by Bill Gothard and IBLP. At age 17 she fell in love with her best friend and her perfect little formulated world came crashing down. Thus began a journey to know God and understand life; a journey from bondage to grace; a journey she's still making. She now lives in gorgeous Montana with her husband and three kids, loving life, writing about spiritual abuse and grace, and leading worship for church, retreats, and special events.

24 Comments

Wow....can't even remember how many times I thought about the same things as you wrote in your first comment. (sad for sure) I think at times it would have made more sense to me if my parents had been drunkards instead of BG followers. I could understand that the alcohol made them do it instead of realizing that they were doing to their family what a mere man was instructing them to do. Your last comments to the moms and dads about what they say having such a huge impact on their kids lives is just brilliant. At times alot of us were made to feel absolutely worthless in God's sight.....but knowing what I know now....God never created anything worthless. I was made in His image!

I do want my boys to look back on their childhood and remember that their father and I let them be free in Christ and that we did not try to conform them into what man wanted them to be...but allowed them to conform themselves into what their Heavenly Father wanted them to be.

I'm sure I've thought and felt many of the same things. Problem is, I don't remember much of it; I've blocked out many of the things I felt, many of the things that were said. Perhaps that is its own healing, or maybe just the mind's way of shelving something until it can be dealt with in a safe place, one item at a time. I shut down and tried to conform to what was expected of me. I'm glad you did not.

Your note is beautiful and grace-filled. Thank you for extending grace to your readers.

Awesome to hear such heart felt truth and healing through your PERSONAL relationship with God vs. all the pain that came from people who put a mere man between themselves and God's real words that are available to all who look FOR THEMSELVES. Thankfully, B.G. will not live forever, he is mortal, and his damage will diminish with time. The truth always wins in the long run!

why does it have to be??? why do parents crush the child and not encourage??? Because we are sinners and make mistakes. Sadly, some are meaner than others.

I grew up in a home where some comparisons where taking place. I still remember them after all of these years so I understand how traumatic it is on a child. The comparisons weren't always verbal, but by my Mother and Grandmother's actions, I knew I wasn't measuring up. ADHD was not known about when I was growing up. If it had been, I have no doubt that I'd been diagnosed with it. I can remember having some of the same teachers in school that my older sisters had and being compared to them.....Why don't you be good (quiet) like they always were. etc.?

As a parent and now grandparent of soon to be five..... I can say that because of my upbringing I tried very hard not to compare my children to each other or show favoritism. Did I succeed? Probably not to the extend that I wanted. Now as a grandparent, I am once again reminded of how important it is not to favor one child over the other. And Lori, the fact of the matter is: Parenting is tough and so is grandparenting.

ADD, here! But in the ATI program, it was also not recognized. Instead, I was told repeatedly that I had an "unteachable spirit" :p I tried and tried to learn better, but to no avail. Those over me knew I wasn't stupid, so concluded I was willfully resistant. Only in my 30s, while studying psychology in nursing school, did I realize that must be my problem, and a psychiatrist confirmed it. Talk about an "aha" moment! Nice thing about the ATI program, they liked to label actual medical issues as spiritual problems :p

You said it way better then I ever could... I can't tell you how many memories I have that line up with what you remember. I know this sounds horrible but I'm glad I'm not alone in this. I'm glad I'm not really crazy like some people seem to think.

Faith, you are NOT crazy. I thought I was crazy too. But you're not alone with these struggles and neither was I. I've been writing my story for several years now. I had no idea when I started that so many people were going to be able to relate. But the response was overwhelming! You're not alone, friend. :)

Very well written, I remember those feelings of guilt and am glad that I have gotten past that after getting out of ATI and the IFB church. I WILL NOT make my children feel guilty for such stupid things. Reminds me of a home-schooled girl that I know committed suicide as an adult in college.

Before someone thinks I'm too hard on parents, please let me remind you that I *am* one. I have 3 kids. The thought that how I treat them in these young years will have an impact on their lives forever scares me to death. Yet I know I'll make mistakes. I already have. But staying open and honest and talking everything through with my kids is something I'm committed to. I have no problem being aware when I hurt them and telling them so, telling them I was wrong and I'm sorry. And like I said in my last post: "You should feel horrible when you have hurt someone you love. And then you should move on. Confess your sins to them and seek forgiveness. Pray for reconciliation. Be real and open and honest about your mistakes. And let grace have its way with you. But do not be offended if they then learn from your mistakes. Take them and use them to help others light their paths. Hopefully you too will be able to say, “Yes, I did that. I said that. I believed that. I taught that. I was wrong,” and let the shame roll off your back and into the gutter where it belongs."

Reading this made me want to cry. I was a parent who when my children did what I told them, praised them, and when they didn't, I tried to make them feel guilty so that they would. Its so hard to be told something by someone, thinking there was this magic formula, and that eventually it would turn out like you thought it should. Now, coming out of all of that, and realizing it was not at all that easy, I have chiildren(married adults with children) who talk about things done to them in the past and my heart hurts knowing how wrong I was. I was so convinced that I was right, and even had others tell me that, that you could not convince me I was wrong. As the years have past, and God has opened my eyes, I have regrets that could reach heaven, and yet they are under the blood of Christ. I only wish my children could leave them there also. It hurts to know you did wrong but then to be reminded of it hurts even more. May Christ heal all of us in the mistakes we made as parents. Heal the parents and the children.

Cathy, I made many of the same mistakes that you did. It is so very painful to realize the errors and then even the healing process takes a lot of time. I've been recovering over 8 years now and even though it isn't as paralyzing to me now as it was then, it is still difficult to read these stories and to be reminded of the cultic and heretical teachings that I so embraced and taught my kids.

You wrote: As the years have past, and God has opened my eyes, I have regrets that could reach heaven, and yet they are under the blood of Christ. I only wish my children could leave them there also. It hurts to know you did wrong but then to be reminded of it hurts even more." It's obvious there is still so much pain for you. (I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you it WILL get easier with time.) "May Christ heal all of us in the mistakes we made as parents. Heal the parents and the children." AMEN!

I too, contemplated suicide, for much the same reasons that you did. SO glad God brought me out of that. I reckon that was my rock-bottom that God let me hit, because I wasn't opening my eyes to His truth. I was being stubborn. But He was so good to me! I look back on that now, and I wouldn't undo that experience for anything! Are you kidding? Give up what I've learned, and how I've grown?

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