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glorybee wrote:Kristi, I'm going to give you the gold star--you've gotten rid of all the unnecessary stuff (except for 'unenthusiastically', but that's a style choice), but kept enough interesting words to make this a pretty engaging passage. Well done!

Thanks, Jan!

Kristi

"When I stand before God at the end of my life I would hope that I would have not a single bit of talent left and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.'" -Erma Bombeck

Exhausted from the long, stressful day at work, she dragged her weary body into her home and slumped against the door. Peeling off expensive black heals from her swollen feet; Jan limped to the kitchen, and opened the door to the fridge. Her throat was parched, and all she wanted was a long drink of cold Diet Coke, and something sweet and chocolaty to eat.“Ouch!” she yelled out. Something bit her bare foot. Jan leaned against the table and painfully lifted up her foot to examine the damage. “Ow!’Jan plucked a small yellow Lego from her heal “Darn that nephew of mine! I thought we had put away all those toys yesterday.”

And Jan, regarding non-fiction, I think it makes your lesson even MORE important for me. Especially since most of my writing is poetry, it is imperative that I choose the RIGHT words to make my point, because I want to make it PRECISE and TIGHT. I really need help here.

Worn out from a long day at work, Jan came home, exhausted. At the door she slipped off her shoes before plodding toward the kitchen. All she wanted was a cold drink and something sweet - maybe the refrigerator held some leftover cake.

“Ow!” She lifted her foot to find the cause of this shard of pain. Embedded in her heel, a small Lego, left by her young nephew on his visit the day before.

browniesgal wrote:Bone tired, Jan shuffled through her door, slipped off her shoes, and thanked God her day was over. Her thoughts had drifted to the rewards in the 'fridge, a diet soda and chocolate cake perhaps.

"Ow!" what did I step on? Pain shot through her heel. She raised her foot and saw the little red offender, a Lego, left from yesterday by my nephew, no doubt.

Ruth, really nice job on snipping away at those pesky adjectives and adverbs. And by the way, you've really mastered italics, too!

I'm itching to fiddle a bit with your punctuation...do you want me to do it on this thread, or in a PM?

Exhausted, Jan walked into the refuge of her house at the end of a long discouraging day at work. Slipping off her pinching shoes at the door, the working single mom plodded toward the cluttered kitchen. She craved a cold soda and something sweet. My diet can start tomorrow. I hope the baby-sitter didn’t find the piece of leftover cake I hid at the back of the shelf in the ice box.

“Ow!” She raised her foot to find the source of sudden sharp pain. Imbedded in the flesh of her heel Jan discovered a Lego! Her visiting nephew must have left it yesterday.

Ms. Barbie wrote:Exhausted from the long, stressful day at work, she dragged her weary body into her home and slumped against the door. Peeling off expensive black heals from her swollen feet; Jan limped to the kitchen, and opened the door to the fridge. Her throat was parched, and all she wanted was a long drink of cold Diet Coke, and something sweet and chocolaty to eat.“Ouch!” she yelled out. Something bit her bare foot. Jan leaned against the table and painfully lifted up her foot to examine the damage. “Ow!’Jan plucked a small yellow Lego from her heal “Darn that nephew of mine! I thought we had put away all those toys yesterday.”

Barb, this streamlined version really got rid of so much unnecessary junk in my version--well-done!

Like the previous post, there are some non-adjective/adverb things that I'd love to fiddle with. Do you want me to do it here, or in a PM?

Green Leaves wrote:And Jan, regarding non-fiction, I think it makes your lesson even MORE important for me. Especially since most of my writing is poetry, it is imperative that I choose the RIGHT words to make my point, because I want to make it PRECISE and TIGHT. I really need help here.

Thanks for bringing up the topic of poetry! The language of poetry is totally different from the language of prose, and uses more modifiers than prose, which is perfectly acceptable. Imagery is very important in poetry, and figurative language.

I'm not even sure that tightness is a good thing in poetry...if it's rhymed poetry, you want the meter to be tight, but not necessarily the language.