New research claims that our facial features reveal everything from fertility to independence. Really! Let's put this new science of superficiality into practice, shall we?

The studies in question pegged to the recession — you may have heard that bad times make men prefer fuller-figured women, but apparently they influence facial features as well. Robin Nixon of LiveScience writes,

Two studies, one using American movie actresses, the other Playboy Playmates of the Year, found that in uncertain times, such as when the economy is stuttering along, beauty icons tend to be slightly more "mature" looking women - taller, heavier and sporting larger waists and less babyish facial features.

Nixon also claims that "a person's figure type or facial features can signal certain personality traits." Wide-faced men are supposedly more aggressive, pouty-lipped women more fertile (time for Bingo?). One psychologist says baby-faced people have "dependent personalities and are more likely to be in nurturing professions, such as nursing or teaching," and "people with smaller eyes, larger chins and bigger bodies tend to be more independent and stronger emotionally." So why even bother getting to know people? With a little training, you can tell everything about a person just based on a headshot! Allow us to demonstrate, with a few famous faces.

First there was Gender Bias Bingo — now there's Evolutionary Psychology Bingo, complete with…
Read more Read more

The presence of "sexyface" indicates that the subject really wants to have sex with you, even if you are a fourteen-year-old boy looking at her on the Internet. Really! However, the highly arched eyebrows mean she frequently makes odd statements that may offend large swathes of the population, especially other women. Proceed with caution.

The plumage on the face indicates a desire for fame, as well as the ability to accumulate wealth — good for a recession! But the slightly turned-down mouth shows she will be difficult to reach on the telephone.

A combination of high forehead and large chin signifies the ability to appeal to drunk college kids, a possible asset in difficult times. However, the triangular smile indicates a genetic predisposition toward douchebaggery. This man is 75% more likely than the average male to make jokes about fat women and midgets.

Don't be fooled by the smile — the placement of the eyes reveals crushing loneliness. This is balanced by a strong chin, which shows ability to remain constantly in the public eye, and lush hair, which indicates fertility — if only some man would help her exercise it!

The shape of the mouth and chin may show a poor grasp of grammar, but the sharp eyes indicate she is adept at killing large animals. And the Bumpit could be used to store food and water. This may be the perfect mate for the End Times.