There is a way out of suffering

Saturday

Mar 1, 2008 at 12:01 AM

BY RABBI MARC GELLMANSPECIAL TO THE STAR-BANNER

Q: I love reading your column in the Palm Beach Post. A long time ago, one column really hit home, but the newspaper got away from me after all family members read it. It was a column about how God helps us when good things happen but does not send bad things our way.
We lost our 23-year-old son in an auto accident. He was a passenger in the car. The accident occurred in 1984 but I still can't talk about it in detail without much distress. The driver was a problem person and still is, but escaped without a scratch. Can you send that column? Thanks for what you're doing in a troubled world. - M., via godsquadquestion@aol.com
A: My filing system is worse than yours, so forgive me if I can't locate the column you referenced. I do want you to know that I'm praying for your son's soul in heaven, and I'm praying for the healing of your grief here on earth.
The question of why bad things happen to people who don't deserve it arises from a place of pain so deep that mere words can't come close to an answer. However, let me urge you to reflect on a few things so that in time you can live your way into an answer that works for you.
The single biggest obstacle to faith I see is the belief that God has agreed to protect us from evil in direct proportion to the good we do. This is not what Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism or Buddhism teach. God is not our bodyguard, but our soul guard. God does not and cannot protect us from accidental death. God walks with us but does not promise we'll never hit a bump in the road.
I don't know where this idea came from that if you believe in God, God will never allow anything bad to happen to you or those you love. If you believe that totally non-religious and theologically naive idea, you're bound to feel betrayed at the first serious crisis in your life.
However, if you can come to believe (depending on the views of your faith) that God walks with you through the valley of the shadow of death, saves your soul from torment and brings it to heavenly rest, shows you a path to enlightenment, or grants your soul release from the cycle of rebirth, then you can heal, face the light of a new dawn, and smile a full and real smile again. The solace I feel in my faith is not that God will defeat all the enemies of life, but that God will defeat all the enemies of hope.
In the years since your son's tragic death, I'm sure you've felt great anger at times. In addition to your anger at God, you were certainly angry at the driver of the car, and you may also have been angry at your own son for accepting a ride with someone you describe as "a problem person."
It's hard to admit that we were angry at someone we loved who has died, but this is natural and normal, particularly in the case of accidents caused by negligence of some sort. An essential part of your early grief work was to express that anger and understand it. However, that time is long past. Now, it's time for you to let go of the anger. It may be poisoning you and killing your capacity for joy in life. I would humbly suggest that you try extra hard to move on.
Letting go of anger against people or God is never easy. We often want to feel like a victim, even if it hurts, but there's always another way. That's the enduring message of all faiths. There is a way out of suffering - what the Buddhists call dukka. You're like a great tree that has lost a large branch and you'll never be whole again, but you can continue to live and to thrive.
I know that some days, hopefulness will elude you. I know there will be days when you may consider the nihilism of atheists appealing - people like Franz Kafka who believed that, "The meaning of life is that it ends." If you join them in the belief that life has no edge over death in the universe, that there's no meaning to life other than what we bestow upon it ourselves, then go that way if it leads to a place of comfort for you.
I encourage you to think of God more like a partner in your suffering, a teacher in the ways to recover a generous spirit, a rock and a redeemer in your time of grief. Try to let go of the idea that God is some kind of goodness banker who rewards us based on our goodness balance. Try to accept the truth that the only spiritually acceptable reason to do good is because it is good - not because it will get you some reward or protection from evil.
Most of all, try to find some unbroken place in your soul where you can believe that some day, when you are old and full of years and God kisses you on the lips and takes your breath away, your soul will be reunited with your son's and every mystery will be revealed. I don't remember what I wrote in that column long ago, but this is what I believed then and what I believe now. May God comfort you.
God Squad is written by Rabbi Marc Gellman. Send questions to The God Squad, c/o Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207, or email them to godsquadquestion@aol.com.