According to data released by the Global Retail Theft Barometer (who names these organizations??), American's stole almost 2 billion dollars worth of merchandise from stores and malls around the country this holiday season. That number is up about 6% from this time last year.

Now, the article doesn't seem to make much of an effort to extrapolate more information from the data supplied. Essentially they just slap you with "Exhibit A: We're stealing a ton of shit", "Exhibit B: We're stealing a ton more shit than last year", and "Exhibit C: It's probably because everyone is broke and the economy has gone to shit."

Ahh, with compelling journalism like this, there's no wonder I can't find a job in the field without a degree. Honestly, this has to be one of the most interesting stories of the year, touting a 10-figure theft level across the country to help facilitate the illusion of every American having a Merry Christmas, and we get 8 pithy lines strung together in a single lack-luster paragraph? Seriously, where's the beef? Where's the meat of this story? What stores received the highest rates of theft from their aisles? What toys were taken the most? Where's the information??

Oh well, the story is written and there's really no use crying about how insufficient it is. Unless, of course, some employee of the Atlantic Wire happens to see this post. In which case, I desperately need work - please fire this touch hole and contact me.

Three Monkeys Say:I know what I'm talking about, because I went to Junior College for a semester, and I studied Psychology, so I'm right in there!! I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

It's Christmas Eve. You know, that holiday that isn't really a holiday.

So a Very Merry Un-Birthday to you, Jesus!

I know a good amount of us are pretty broke this holiday season. But I'd be willing to bet there's still someone out there a little worse off than you. I'm not saying go out and buy 'em something. That goes against the idea of the season, if you ask me. But take a moment out of your busy schedule and just stop and think a little bit. Peace on Earth, Good Will Towards Men, and all that razzamatazz.

Apparently still razzed on the high that can only come from bludgeoning the proletariat mercilessly with truncheons, bored riot police have massed together as the Occupy Wall Street movement kicks in its death throes and have moved against the malls. After all, once you've run out of the skulls of poor people to cave-in, you're going to have to start using your clubs and chemical agents on people who actually have money.

The cause for all the madness is the undeniable "hotness" of those super-fly new Air Jordan's, a bargain buy at only $180 a pair. Shoppers have become so unruly in their fervent pursuit of obtaining the pinnacle in foot-fashion that police have been called into malls near Austin and Seattle, responding with pepper spray and extreme prejudice. According to the article, there is even an unconfirmed report out of Washington D.C. of a man who was stabbed to death over the shoes. At a mall in Georgia, 20 squad cars were dispatched when shoppers broke down the doors to a store in their angst to obtain the kicks, and arrested a woman for leaving two toddlers locked in her car while she stepped into the six-sided ring of fire to do battle in the name of Saint Nick.

Of course, while I will more or less always be of the opinion that any time the police start firing pepper-spray into a crowd it is likely an example of authority abusing power, I have little sympathy for this mob. It's a shopping mall. Keep your elbows to yourself and just calm the fuck down, for Christ's sake.

I am just thankful that there is something deeply seeded in my constitution that will prevent me from ever understanding a story like this. The very thought of paying $180 for a pair of shoes, or better yet the $400+ price tag some are reporting having paid over the internet, chills my cockles more than the harshest Nor'easter. But honestly, come on people. This is supposed to be the season about spreading cheer, good will, and peace on earth, isn't it?

Three Monkeys Say:Guaranteed to make a kid run faster and jump higher.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

In the newest edition of the VICE Guide to Travel, Rocco Castoro receives the gift of being invited to the wilderness of Siberia for a rare interview with a man who has been calling himself the Voice of God since the fall of the Soviet Union. Sergey Anatolyevitch Torop, who renamed himself Vissarion at the age of 29 when he realized his divine connection, has been working on his multi-volume Last Testament, a sort of sequel to the New Testament, recording the missive of his hodge-podge of nearly every world religion.

Of course, the natural reaction to hear a story about someone claiming to hear or be the voice of God is to sit back and wait for the tell-tale sound of the ATF knocking down some doors. But I will have to admit, I found some of the footage from VICE's short 3-part documentary to be strangely appealing. Vissarion has placed his commune in a rather idyllic fold of the unspoiled expanse of the Russian landscape, and the narrator even remarks on how the village evokes connotations of an elven dwelling. The place looks right out of Middle-Earth, until you see the solar panels delivering clean energy. Or the satellite TVs and power tools, apparent anachronisms that are openly accepted. Vissarion and his church of nearly five thousand followers live off the earth and what it provides, and seem to simply exude pure joy.

I'll let you watch and pull your own conclusions from the piece. I just want to note that while some of the things the followers of Vissarion say during the interviews, combined with that fervent fire of zealotry so apparent in their eyes, is definitely off-putting. But at the same time, you can not deny how happy these people look. You don't have to bite the whole bit, hook line and sinker, but I would guess there's something to what this guy has to say.

Well, hot damn! Wipe the egg off your face and try to explain THAT one, fascists!

According to the study from Fairleigh Dickinson University, Fox News viewers are apt to know less about current events in the US and abroad than people who do not watch the news at all. Fox Fans were found to be largely ignorant of the year's events in Syria and Egypt, the basic ideas surrounding Occupy Wall Street, and were even unable to identify Mitt Romney as the front runner for the Republican nomination, which is pretty alarming considering the amount of time the channel spends on Republican topics.

An analyst for the poll, Prof. Dan Cassino, has said that these results do not necessarily categorize Fox News' primarily Republican base as being less educated, but rather takes the point that there is something about Fox's programming that leads to their viewers retaining less information.

The article goes on to discuss that admittedly, Fox viewers were not the only ones to score poorly on the poll. From the figures given, it would seem their nemesis MSNBC isn't doing too much better. Apparently, the members of the study who scored the best on the poll were those who got their news from Sunday morning programs or print sources like the New York Times and USA Today.

But in true dramatic fashion, the people over at NYDailyTimes.com have saved the juiciest piece of this study for last. I honestly can not WAIT to see Bill O'Reilly try to spin his way out of this one. Apparently, one of the top news sources with regards to their audience being informed and retaining information is none other than The Daily Show with Jon Stewart! HA! Fuck you, Bill-O!

Ahh, Fox News. "The Most Powerful Name In News". The clip is from 2004, but it's still more fun than a barrel full of fundamentalist blow-hards.

Three Monkeys Say:Sorry, you'll have to excuse us while we go laugh this off

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The study, the first of its kind conducted since the 1960s, surveyed a national sample of young people over time, and found that approximately 30% of them had reported being arrested for something other than a traffic violation by the time they hit the age of 23. As a quick aside, I'm right there with ya kids. America. Fuck Yeah.

As the NYT article reports, this figure is much larger than the result found in the 1965 study, which reported an arrest rate of 22% among the same age group. The more recent study was conducted by performing annual interviews on a sample group of 7,335 youths, all between the age of 12-16 when they joined the study in 1996. Researchers found that there was a sharp spike in arrests as kids neared adulthood, 18-20, and then quickly leveled off in the early 20s. The study goes on to provide commentary on different factors that could effect the adolescent's likelihood of being able to move past this mark of criminality, or conversely become entrenched in the mire of the criminal justice system.

Seems to me a little silly that a private study needed to be conducted to obtain this information. While I understand that the identity of minors is protected in regards to arrest records, that doesn't mean that a report couldn't be issued directly from law enforcement with the pertinent information represented while at the same time ensuring that personal information is redacted. And why the hell is this the first study of its kind to be performed in nearly 50 years? Considering what an on-going joke it has been in my youth to sit back and listen to one's elders bitch and moan about how the youth of today have been becoming progressively more delinquent, I would imagine there would be some fundamentalist with some extra pocket money who would be interested in obtaining these figures on a more regular basis.

Unfortunately, the NYT article does not go into any sort of detail regarding what sort of infractions these youths had committed that resulted in their arrest, beyond noting that each crime was above the level of a traffic violation (which, short of a DUI, I'm pretty sure they don't arrest you for anyway). No mention of what percentage of these youths were apprehended on charges of violent behavior, theft, or common drug possession. I'd be willing to place a sizable bet however that the overwhelming majority of these reported arrests were for non-violent drug offenders. I sure know that was the case in my town - and whether you'd like to admit it or not, I bet it's the same for your small home town, too.

Three Monkeys Say:Let's get those numbers up, kids! We believe in you!!

Monday, December 19, 2011

The rivers and streams of North Korea are turning salted with the saline of the tears of her citizens, as the nation comes together in grief over the loss of their Dear Leader.

That's right, kids! Kim-Jong Il is dead! I'd post a link for you in my normal fashion, but there's really no need to as it is the top headline on virtually every news server today.

The path of succession has been cleared for Dear Leader's third son, Kim-Jong Um, who by all reports is even nastier a person than his father's famed legacy could account for. After all, that's just how they do it in North Korea. Slamming down holes-in-one on the golf course with a fine cigar and a glass of cognac, while they feed their starved populace to the exotic menagerie on the palatial estate of the regime.

And just in case you didn't believe me about the bit concerning North Korea's rivers now running with salt water, do yourself a favor and check this video. It's absolutely incredible how effective a totalitarian regime can be in controlling their people. Albeit a touch over-exaggerated, these people look pretty damn crushed. Though admittedly, that might just be due to the machine-gun squads hanging out just outside the camera shot.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Fidel Castro was the head of the Cuban government as Prime Minister from 1959 until 1976, and again as President from 1976 until around 2008. This rings in for a total of 50 years ruling with an iron fist.

William Melville Hicks was born in 1961, passed away in 1994, and if he was still with us, would be turning 50 years old today.

Ever notice how those good guys always leave us way too soon, while the demons are allowed to run amok??

While the Saudi Interior Ministry is with holding any more information than the fact that they have indeed executed a woman today, the London-based al-Hayat is reporting a few more details. Apparently, a female in her 60s was arrested in April of 2009, and held until her execution. She was charged and convicted on committing acts of sorcery and witch craft. As the story goes, this elderly woman had convinced locals that she possessed healing powers, and was charging $800 a pop for miracle cures.

What's funny here to me is that they went for the witch-craft charge. Surely the Saudi's have some law on the books outlawing fraud that they could have picked this woman up on just as easily. Unless of course, she actually was performing miracle cures and possessed powers of sorcery. In which case, what a damn shame they felt the need to execute her. This world is in serious need of a little pick-me-up, and I think that the open revelation that magic existed in real life would be just the thing.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

In this world of madness and violence, we as a society must make great strides to keep the violent crazies off the streets. That being said - I'm talking about the people with the badges, not the ones wearing the handcuffs.

38 year-old Rick McVicker was driving drunk down NC Highway 51 on Wednesday when he failed to stop for a red light and crashed into the rear end of the car in front of him. Luckily for all those involved, no injuries were reported from the crash. In fact, if you view the related news video clip for the story, you can find a snapshot of the Pontiac that Bonita Jones, the woman who was struck, was driving with her 8 year-old grandson in the vehicle. The report doesn't provide the best possible angle to determine the violence of the impact, but it seems like the rear bumper of the Pontiac was barely touched. Looks to me like McVicker slammed on his brakes just a half second too late and slid up with a little love tap to the vehicle in front of him.

McVicker, who openly admits to being drunk during the accident, got out of his car and walked up to the driver-side window of the vehicle he had struck. And this is where the story gets crazy. McVicker claims he was tapping on the window of the vehicle to try to make sure that everyone inside was OK. Bonita Jones refused to roll down her window, instead choosing to call her son, David Jones, a member of the nearby Charlotte, NC police force. David Jones, who was off-duty at the time, arrived on the scene before the local Matthews PD. Jones came up behind McVicker, and without saying a word, grabbed the man and threw him violently to the ground, and proceeded to beat the living hell out of him.

McVicker spent a few nights locked up in the pokey for his DWI. When he was released yesterday, his face was still a mottled mess of black and blue. Ofc. Jones, on the other hand, is on administrative leave still receiving pay pending the results of an investigation. Due to department regulations, Jones is currently unable to comment on the incident, but McVicker was able to be reached after he was released from his cage. Showing what I believe to be genuine remorse for his actions, McVicker readily admitted that he was drunk at the time, and that he considers himself to be an alcoholic who will be seeking help for his problem "immediately".

It's often difficult to comment on a story like this, with so many varied interests possibly tweaking the strings of the presentation. But as the cliche says, a picture is worth a thousand words. And from where I'm sitting, it looks like there is a deeper dent in McVicker's cheek than the rear-bumper of mama-Jones' Pontiac. I'm not defending drunk drivers here. I agree with McVicker's assessment that what he did was deplorable, and that he should be appropriately punished and seek therapy. But the operative term there is "appropriately". There is nothing "appropriate" about getting your face slammed into the pavement by an off-duty cop. If mama-Jones' son had not been a cop, we would be reading a very, very different story right now, regardless of if there were any injuries sustained in the accident. For years now judges across this great nation have been making examples out of DUI cases to scare people away from the behavior. I say it's past time we made an example out of this law-enforcement officer and hang the pig out to dry. The cops need to learn that their job is to "Protect and Serve" the entire community, not just the people they're related to or the people who sign their checks.

Of course, by the time the results of the investigation of the event are finalized and released, just about everyone but McVicker and the police department will have forgotten about the whole fiasco, and life will simply move on. Goose-stepping to the rhythm of the police-state war drums. Get in line, or we'll cave your fucking face in.

Friday, December 9, 2011

You know, people call me shallow and mean-spirited from time to time. And I'm probably going to get that again from this piece. To those people, a quick pre-emptive "Fuck You" before we get moving. This has nothing to do with being insensitive, the people in this story need to be stopped. Post-haste.

According to this news flash from the desks of CNN, Michelle Duggar and her husband Jim Bob (I'm sorry, there are actually people named Jim Bob out there??) recently suffered the tragedy of a miscarriage. The title of the article was enough to pull me in. Who is Michelle Duggar? And why should I care that she miscarried?

Well, Michelle and her husband, along with their gigantic family, are the stars of the new TLC program "19 Kids and Counting", which I am guessing is simulcast across the nation in church basements and abortion clinics, though likely pulling for different results. The Duggar family was on their way to the doctor to determine the gender of their newest bundle of joy, which would have been the couple's 20th child.

20. Assuming a full-term 9-month pregnancy, that would mean that Michell Duggar, 45, has spent 176 months of her life pregnant (19 kids * 9 months + 5 months for the miscarriage). That's a full 14 years and 8 months. Nearly a third of her entire life, or a full 50% of her child bearing years. Sweet Jesus.

While the family is understandably heartbroken by the ordeal, they have rallied to their faith to pull them through. Michelle was quoted as saying "The Lord is the giver of life and he can choose when that life is ready to go on and be with Him."

And here's where I start pissing people off. What right-minded, responsible person would ever even entertain the thought of having 20 kids? To explain their reasoning, the Duggars have said that they left the decision on the number of children they would have in the hands of the Lord. Well guess what, kids - this might just be Jesus' way of saying cut the shit.

See, this is a great example of The Bible being outdated and irrelevant. I understand that in the opening verses of Genesis the Lord decrees that man should "Be fruitful and multiply". There was a reason for that though. Back in olden times, the odds of actually surviving to have a child of your own to perpetuate the species was much lower than it is today. A family would have to have 8-10 kids in the hopes that at least a handful of them would make it to breed themselves. It was necessary for the survivability of our race. It made sense.

But now, thanks to giant leaps in medical technology, and the fact that we have fully-automatic weapons to defend ourselves from wild beasts rather than pointy sticks and poorly-tempered metals, our survival rate has gone through the roof. The average life-span has gone from like 30 to 80 (I'm pulling these numbers out of my ass, too lazy to research them, but they sound about right). We have reached a point in our evolution where this style of frantic rutting, basically throwing loads against the wall hoping something sticks, has become more of a handicap than a safety net. Over-crowding of the population is only going to become a bigger burden for society, and people like the Duggars who are blissfully popping out soldiers of the Lord with the vacant stare of the blessed are going to push us to a point of unsustainablity, if we haven't reached it already.

So, long story short, fuck these people. Or better yet, for the love of God, STOP FUCKING. I feel to sympathy for your miscarriage, Michelle Duggar. You officially have enough children to ensure you will never have to mow your own lawn again. It's time to put a stop to the madness.

Boys will be boys. And boys with a background in pyrotechnics will fuck some serious shit up.

As the story goes, the production team for the popular television show "Mythbusters" suffered an unfortunate mishap when an experiment that involved launched various items out of a cannon backfired. Well, I guess backfired isn't the proper term here - overshot maybe?

The team was firing an actual cannonball out of the cannon, presumably in the name of taking notes on a control for their experiment. The control flew wildly out of control however when the cannonball tore through a cinder-block wall, bounced its merry way down a hillside, barreled 700 yards through a suburban California neighborhood, smashed through the front door of a house, bounced up the stairs of the house and, without knocking, penetrated a bedroom door where a man, woman, and child were sleeping.

The shot also flew through the wall of the bedroom it had so rudely invaded, and finally came to rest in the van parked in the driveway of a local suburban home.

While the 'Mythbusters' team has not commented on the event, something tells me there was a little brown jug involved. Triple X Death Moonshine. White Lightning. 'Cause we all know how difficult it is to aim artillery when you can't walk a straight line.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

So, in the vein of breaking back into this beast slowly, today I'm just going to share a quick quirky video with a little sub-text. A stretching exercise for the keyboard, if you will.

So, friends, if you would kindly turn your attention to the film below, showcasing the rare and elusive Melbourne Tent Monster, we can begin.

What you are seeing here is footage of the Occupy Melbourne protest, finding a creative way to make the local PD chase their own tails in a fury of consternation. You see, it is against city regulations for the protestors to set up tents and camp sites in public squares, making an occupation in the traditional sense quite difficult. Their response? To set up tents in the park with appropriate holes for arms, legs, and head appendages, and wait. As the unnecessarily large coterie of police begin to goose-step up to the tents ready to crack skulls and tent poles in the name of freedom, the monsters suddenly spring to life and begin to caper around the grounds.

In my opinion, the best part of the video is during 0:26-0:30, as you watch the original reaction of the yellow-vested peace officers. The footage captures a tradition almost as uncommon as the Tent Monster itself - the police version of the popular stadium antic of The Wave. Watch close as a wave of gnarled claws begin to stroke mustaches and beards that aren't there as the police try to figure out what the hell they're looking at before they all cross their arms and scowl with the precision of an Olympic synchronized swimming squad.

Three Monkeys Say:I'll tell ya one thing, Bob. I may not know what the SOP is for engaging a Tent Monster, but I know it's against the law!