My male ‘friend’ took advantage of me when I was drunk- but I feel like it’s my faultWatch

Hi,
I really don’t know where to start with this- this has hurt me so much and left me feeling like it was all my fault.

Earlier this week, I came back from university for a few days and decided it would be nice to see my friends. I invited a few of them out for a couple of drinks, and needless to say I got very drunk. However, one of the guys I invited out kept buying me drinks all night- I wasn’t too bad until he bought us all tequila shots- I can’t remember much after that. I can’t even remember getting into the Uber to go home (I have slight memories of me opening the window during the ride but that’s it).

My family have an open door policy- if someone can’t get home, you invite them to stay round on the sofa. This guy said he didn’t know how he was going to get home so I invited him to stay on the sofa. My other friend was staying in our spare room, so the two of us went upstairs after we got in, but she went to her room. I can’t remember this, but she told me the next day that the guy followed us up the stairs (without any of us telling him that it was okay for him to come upstairs). He also closed the door behind him and I. She feels guilty as I went in the next day saying I think he took advantage of me; she thought he had only come in for a catch up because I hadn’t seen him for months. This guy kissed me, even though he knows I have a boyfriend, and pushed me down onto the bed. I can’t remember much else, apart from me telling him that it’s wrong because I have a boyfriend. I’d been talking about how me and my boyfriend had fought and almost broken up a few weeks prior when I still wasn’t too drunk, so I don’t know if this is what caused him to try things on with me. I know that we didn’t have sex, and I’m so grateful to that as I don’t know what I would have done if I found out that we did.

The next day, I rang said guy and asked him what happened during the night. He told me that he wasn’t going to say because he was on a public bus, indicating that more happened than what I remember. He also told me that he doesn’t regret anything because of how he feels about me, and then he tried to tell me that he knows I feel the same way about him. I told him that I feel that he took advantage of me, and he told me that I’d said that the night before too, indicating that he just did not care. I then told him that I thought that we shouldn’t be friends anymore, and all he responded with was ‘ok’. I’d never willingly cheat on my boyfriend as I’ve been cheated on in the past and know how it feels; and the fact that this guy knows about this and still thought it was okay to try things on with me is completely disrespectful to both me and my boyfriend. I rang my boyfriend straight away and he told me it wasn’t my fault at all; he’s been through similar so understands. My other friends have also been supportive of me, but part of me still feels that I cheated on my boyfriend and that it’s my fault, if I didn’t drink I could have stopped it. The worst thing is, my friends told me that he was not drunk; he was walking normally and still seemed aware of his actions when I apparently stumbling and attempting to make friends with homeless people on the streets.

I just don’t know how I can get through this, I still feel disgusting because of it; I’m also scared that the guy who took advantage of me will start to spread stuff about me, making it seem like it was consensual even though I was too drunk to understand what was happening properly.

1. Non-consensual sexual activity is always and only the fault of the person who acts without consent and when they have every reason to know better (eg other person is expressing doubts or is only partially conscious due to booze or other drugs).

2. Drinking to the point of helplessness and memory loss is not a great idea for many reasons. It does leave you vulnerable in all sorts of ways - but not guilty.

3. Mates should look after each other. Getting drunk happens, and if someone is as drunk as you were someone should see them safe home. It's a pity your friend didn't see her way clear to just knock on your door and ask if you were ok. Next time, agree ahead on how you will take care of each other so nobody has to figure it out while drink.

4. Yes, it sounds like you were taken advantage of unfortunately. You could report a sexual assault to the police but it would probably be tough to make a case since you don't remember anything much.

5. It sounds like you have support. It will be distressing to you for a while, but will get better. Talk to a doctor if it doesn't or call a counseling centre now.

I think it would be best for you to get the authorities involved. By the sounds of things, if you were more inhibited, he would have tried to have sex with you. You don't know if he has tried this before and succeeded and clearly someone needs to stop him before he does have sex with someone without consent.

I once read a study which said that 75% of males with female friends fancy at least one them
the study also said 25% of females with male friends fancy at least one of them.

If you are an attractive girl with male friends then it's pretty much inevitable that some will fancy you.
perhaps don't go clubbing with them in future, because tbh i always see male friends trying it on with their female friends on nights out

I am a bit weird about "too drunk" cases, because by definition you don't recall what happened. People fallaciously believe that to be black-out drunk (i.e. a gap in the memory) means you were incoherent and clearly incapable of understanding the situation or consenting. These two things often coincide but not always.

(Original post by ANM775)
I once read a study which said that 75% of males with female friends fancy at least one them
the study also said 25% of females with male friends fancy at least one of them.

If you are an attractive girl with male friends then it's pretty much inevitable that some will fancy you.
perhaps don't go clubbing with them in future, because tbh i always see male friends trying it on with their female friends on nights out

so i wasn't surprised to hear that he took advantage

This is wrong. People don't have to avoid going out in case someone "fancies" them. The people doing the fancying need to learn how to behave.

(Original post by ANM775)
every single "friendship group" i've been out clubbing with has had males trying it on with the females.
many do not give a **** that the girl has a bf and will continue to try it on anyway.

such a large amount of men do this ..that it's simply better to not go out clubbing with them [if you're an attractive female] imo

Why should women have to limit themselves and their social lives because some men choose to not respect some pretty basic standards of behaviour?

This is not about flirting, or "trying it on". Lots of people do that, of both sexes. It's normal. This is about forcing yourself on someone or taking advantage of them being semiconscious. That is entirely the fault of the aggressor, and it is they who need to change their behaviour and not the rest of us.