One Oklahoma Woman's United Pentecostal Church Experience

I came to the UPC by quite extraordinary circumstances. If you had given
me a choice between being a Pentecostal or belonging to the 'Manson gang',
it would have been, "Hello, Charlie boy."

In order to explain the complexity of my situation, I really must give
you the full story. I'll try to be brief.

I grew up in a small town in Oklahoma. My family practiced Christianity
mixed with witchcraft. I always knew God was real, 'cause I had seen evil
up close. I suffered sexual, mental, verbal and isolation types of abuse.
I was a terrible wreck. I had little control over my temper or my life. I
had searched and searched for God. I never felt any difference when asking
Him to come into my heart. It's like there was no power there. I needed more,
but thought it was sin to ask for more.

I studied and studied. Turned down scholarships to bigger colleges so
that I could go to a Christian college. Met a nice boy, and got married.
First thing I did was get out and away from Oklahoma and the bad memories.
I refused to raise my children in that environment. I never wanted them to
feel bad about themselves. Not like I did.

My marriage fell apart. He took the kids, because I had no job or way
to take care of them. I had worked while he finished school. I tried to kill
myself on several occasions. The last time was 7 years ago. I took enough
muscle relaxers to kill a horse. About 30 or so. Have witnesses to that.
I started to fall asleep, and I heard a voice say, "This is not what I've
chosen for you, WAKE UP!!" I did. I became so angry I began to tear up the
house. Crying and screaming at God to let me go.

Within a few days of that, I literally went into my closet to pray. Got
on my knees, and asked God if there was more. Or was I just weak? Within
2-3 weeks of that I met my UPC neighbors. Didn't like them at all. Somehow
got roped into a Bible study, and next thing I know my life was forever changed!

I had run ins with Pentecostals before, and I was not looking forward
to this. Got to my neighbor's house, and they informed me that another couple
from the church was coming too. I thought, "Just great, they're going to
gang up on me!" I tried not to show how angry I was feeling, and just ride
it out. When the other couple arrived and the door opened, I began to get
sick at my stomach. I hated the woman in the couple, she was with her husband.
I couldn't understand what was going on. All I knew was that I wanted to
hit her, and couldn't understand why.

We all sat down at the kitchen table, and I was ready for debate. This
woman seemed to lead the whole thing. She completely took me by surprise
and didn't even try to give me a Bible study. We just sat and talked. Talked
about me, mostly. Then, as soon as she reached for that Bible study, I wanted
to run. I did not know what I was feeling, so I told her I had to go.

She said that was fine, and requested to pray with me. I was thinking,
"Anything to get out of here!" So we sat across from one another, and she
began to pray. She stopped suddenly and let go of my hands. Then she said,
"In the name of Jesus, I command you to manifest!" My body went out of control.
I have never been so scared in my life. All the bad nightmares. All the things
I couldn't explain. I screamed at her, "It's not me!" I cried as my body
shook and convulsed. I could think thoughts, but no longer use my mouth.
I started screaming in my head for Jesus to come save me. Things were coming
out of my mouth that I would never say. Then I passed out.

Don't know for how long. Woke up, and there they were, smiling. They gave
me that Bible study, and even though I didn't agree with some things, they
had something I didn't. I went to their church, got baptized in Jesus' name,
and when I came up out of the water a heat hit me from the top of my head
to the bottom of my feet. Best day of my life. End of the nightmare, and
the beginning to a new dream. I got the Holy Ghost! Everything great so far.

Then after some time in the church, I began to hear of 'the standards'
and such. Thought it must be right, because God used them (The UPC) in His
freeing me. I did question. Didn't get many answers.

That woman's name is Laura. She is wonderful, and she told me in confidence
that 'the standards' are NOT a part of salvation, and that they weren't a
Heaven or hell issue. Thing is, that's not what most of them think! Laura
is different. She's something else! Laura is my spiritual mom, so to speak.
She's always been there for me, and I really ask the hard questions.

There was so much trash in my mind after all the years of abuse that my
Pastor felt as if it would be best if he counseled me. He felt that Jesus
was prompting him to do this. I was thrilled to be getting the extra help.

I disclosed everything to this man. He was kind and courteous. Full of
wisdom. He taught a class or two at the Bible College, but would fly back
into town to meet with me. There was always someone else present, which I
feel is wisdom. He really took the time. Thing is, all the things I told
him really left me wide open. He demanded certain changes, or I would be
asked to leave the church. That scared me to death! I really freaked out,
and ended up backsliding.

I went back, and when the pressure was applied again, I backslid again.
I have personally seen 29 people get the Holy Ghost, that I brought in. They
were told to stay away from me. And, they did. This infuriated me. It was
very hurtful. Nobody came near me. Nobody.

I felt like I was back where I started. I stayed out for a couple of years.
Wanted to go back. Called my pastor. He said he would have to fast about
it, and he would get back to me. He didn't. One evening I just showed up
at service. I'll never forget the look on his face when I walked in. He called
me the next day, and told me he would like to have a meeting. So, we did.

At the meeting he told me that he had really worked with me and done all
he could. BUT, he would let me back in if I walked the straight and narrow.
No more questioning. No more excuses. Said that soon he would walk up to
me, and ask if I had done this and that. If I hadn't, I would be gone. Forever.
Had to go to classes. Membership class, etc. At this class he teaches, he
told the class that the church isn't a democracy, it's a dictatorship. Yes,
he really said that. I have the worksheets he gave us. It's on there, too.
See, the Word will judge us, so we have to line up with it. Thing is, just
when I thought I was making some head way, I'd learn something else I was
doing wrong. There's no end to it. You can take the 'standards' and go forever.
Where's the line? Nobody can be that perfect.

Holiness comes from within. But being so afraid to rock the boat, I said
nothing. When you do ask questions, they become defensive. Even when you
are sincere. They don't have too many answers, so they just tell you that
you're being rebellious. Having been brow beaten most of my life, I really
thought they had me pegged. I was bad. My pastor saw through me. Can't even
go to Laura with this. She would consider my questioning the pastor, a heresy.
There is just so much more to this story.

Not sure what to do. I believe in Jesus' name. I'm still oneness. I just
don't see Bible for all the other stuff. That leaves me right in the middle
of nowhere. Yesterday, I prayed and sobbed before God. Asking Him to help
me. Am I just rebellious? Am I bad? Will I never measure up? The church would
say that satan lead me to your web site. That my rebellious spirit sought
out other like spirits. My head is a mess. But I say, I was sincere in my
cry to Jesus. I believe He led me to your site. Not sure what to do now.
Praying this is right. Determined to live for Jesus. Just not sure where.

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