Disney World to Issue Identification Bracelets, Park Moves One Step Closer to Police State

Don’t give us that look, you knew as well as we did that the Walt Disney Company would eventually cut its fang-like teeth on insidious global takeover. This spring, Disney World will feel more like an internment camp than a destination for exorbitant family entertainment when the park initiates the MyMagic+ vacation management system and MagicBand identification bracelets. These bracelets, if participating visitors are so inclined, will be encoded with a wealth of information including the individual’s name, credit card information, and other tidbits such as birthdays. Disney believes that this new system will mean faster purchase transactions and less time spent waiting in line to get on rides, but it’s natural if some people would rather not have corporate goons sifting through private information for their own ends. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the police state as envisioned by Mickey Mouse!

The MagicBand bracelets will work in conjunction with a website and app called My Disney Experience. Here, users will be able to select three FastPasses for rides of their choosing in addition to VIP seating for special events like fireworks shows or those obnoxious meet-and-greets. What they probably won’t know during this entire process is that they’ve unknowingly put themselves on the grid and will be under the constant monitoring of Disney goons from some undisclosed location — likely a cramped concrete bunker underneath the churro cart.

And as if Disney couldn’t possibly cram anymore features into a dinky rubber bracelet certain to give one’s wrist sweat-induced rashes under the hot Florida sun, the MagicBands will also serve as room keys and tickets for attractions or parking.

The bracelets are convenient to say the least, but it’s difficult not to shake that overwhelming feeling of having one’s privacy invaded. Disney stresses that the bracelets are entirely optional and will be used solely to gather vital information — such as items purchased and which characters you embraced or ran away from in sheer terror — to better improve visitor experience. So, really, how can you hate on a bracelet that gives park employees the ability to address your family by their first names? It’s not like the reason for a long distance vacation is to physically get away from people who know you.

Perhaps the largest concern visitors have is — and this is a massive theme park we’re talking about here, so it will eventually happen at some point — the loss of a MagicBand and all the important information encoded within it. Disney has reassured dubious park visitors that any missing MagicBands can be deactivated upon notification, but that’s hopefully way before the sleazy ex-con in the Goofy suit decides to go wild with your credit info in Downtown Disney.