Sunday, June 19, 2011

Betrayal

Why am I shocked, shocked to find someone who is absolutely capable of deception and manipulation finally deceiving and (attempting at any rate) manipulating me?

I should have known.

I find myself wondering if a "lack of judgment" in the sense of not judging others is really a "lack of judgment" in the sense of having none.

Why would anyone who has betrayed me expect respect, expect the relationship to continue, expect trust?

What can she expect from me? Prayers, yes. Even yesterday, even today, even tomorrow. Forgiveness, yes. Maybe even already. Good wishes for peace and reconciliation with her friends and family, yes. Health and happiness for her and her children, always.

What not to expect? Me to ever believe a word again. Ever to let her near my kids. Ever to engage with her, ever, ever, ever.

And yet, even today, even knowing all that I know and why and how and to whom, she tries to make me feel guilty, to see her as the victim, to tell me I am the inadequate friend. Again.

Of course, I have been the inadequate friend before and we almost fell out then as well. During a crisis of mine, she confronted me about how badly I was treating her. What she did not realize was that I had already withdrawn from her because of doing this to me before. I had already put her in a box called "low expectations." I let her out of it again, mostly. It was never the same, but I reached out, I tried to forget the two years of wondering what she was calling for since it was always for something or other. And that's the kind of relationship you have with some people. They need and you help. They ask and you give. You even try to anticipate and you give. But you never expect. I never expected after the first time.

But even today she expects and expects and expects from me. For me to say, oh, well, it's all right, I love you, I will rescue you again, I will help you again, I will give what little I have to save you again.

Unfortunately, this time she put me in danger, put my children in danger, put my life in danger and that is simply too much to expect.

I love you, my friend. I wish nothing but good for you. You need help that I cannot give you. I pray that you find it, that you find reality and maturity and health. That someday you really feel sorry for your transgressions against the people who have trusted you. I know you're sorry you got caught and I know you're angry that people are upset with you. I know you're ashamed and embarrassed that anyone knows what you have done. I also know that you are still asking people to keep it a secret, to minimize the consequences of your actions. To somehow escape unscathed.

I suppose you might in some ways. But there is one thing you will never regain: me.