Biggest bottoms, Pea Head, Fuifui Moremore and 10 other things from the world of rugby league this week

Weekly look at some weird and wonderful things here and Down Under

Sam dunk: South Sydney star Sam Burgess is top of the stats in the NRL

1) I RECEIVE an irritating phone call from a so-called friend moaning about the absence of 13 Things for the last few weeks. He tells me he was looking for it on his iPad in bed. So let’s start the ball rolling this week by pointing out his previous searches on his iPad in bed have included ’13 Things I would like to do to a hamster with a kitchen sieve’, ’13 Things I like about my own winky’ and ’13 Things I love about Swedish air hostesses and butter’. So, sorry I had a holiday and sorry that I was so shocked about a Kevin Sinfield headbutt while I was away that I dropped to the floor of my Spanish hotel room and lay there like he’d really connected and I was unable to type for two weeks.

Ham fisted: Here is a photo of a hamster in a sieve. Not to be confused with Petero Sieveoniceva

2) PART of that holiday included a trip to The Hive on a broiling Saturday to watch (insert team name here) beat the Broncos. Saints actually. Many highlights included the continued effervescence of Joey Grima in the light of another defeat. He tells me his players lost five litres of fluid as the mercury was rising throughout the afternoon and team medics insist they put it all back before they’re OK to leave the dressing room. Have a good chat with Atelea Vea too, he’ll go well at Saints next season. And just to round off a cracking afternoon, where the heat in the open press box made it feel more like the tropics of Queensland, bump into Jon Wilkin and Mark Flanagan on the Tube. They’re heading into central London with family before the pair of them go to watch American rapper Nas in Chelsea (Wilkin looks a bit puzzled about this and admits he prefers guitars). They’re great company and it’s interesting to hear their take about the match and Saints in general. Wilkin had been terrific at stand-off with his kicking game in particular singled out by Grima. But the injured star admits he misses the physicality and directness of playing in the forwards. Rather him than me.

Two tube: Jon Wilkin and Mark Flanagan brave the Jubilee Line after victory over London Broncos

3) JOEY Grima’s man management skills are already working for him as Broncos look towards the Championship. Yesterday’s signing of Richard Mathers from Wakefield is a good marker for what they’ll need if they are to clamber back into the top flight. And Mathers said: “Joey's enthusiasm and the plans he has in place for the club not just next year but for the future, he really sold it to me. I didn't realise how passionate he was about it.” More excited about the signing of winger Rhys Williams who has one of the biggest bottoms I’ve ever seen on a rugby league player - though that’s not the reason I’m excited about him. He's a proven try-scoring ability and also causes serious damage to anyone who's dumb enough to get in his way.

Do the Mathers: Richard makes a move to the capital next season

4) MANLY Sea Eagles are the poster boys in the latest edition of Rugby League Week. What makes their pic so special is it’s taken on a boat. If we can’t get either of the Hull terms to jump aboard and pose up on the murky North Sea waves, how about Salford? The Red Devils photoshoot on the Manchester Ship Canal would be great sport as they avoided the bricks and lumps of concrete hurled at them by some of the more difficult youths of that parish. PS: Watch out Dr Koukash for the red Yahama 125 motorbike ridden, whooping, into the filthy depths by me and a pal back in the mid eighties. Like a scene from the Great Escape without the barbed wire but with several injuries consistent. True story and apologies to all your environmentalists out there and don’t try that at home, kids.

5) IT’s easy to take for granted the outstanding weekly performances of James Graham and Sam Burgess in the NRL. The pair were recognised by their peers in the annual Rugby League Week players’ poll this week. Graham is voted into the dream team at prop with Burgess at loose forward. And their stats back that up with the pair leading the way for hit ups/runs in the competition. Burgess is way out there with 360, Graham second with 306. George Burgess makes it into the top 10 too with 261. Sam is second in their offload stats with 43, behind Brisbane Broncos and Kangaroo star Corey Parker with 49.

6) SAM Burgess is also a rather popular figure on Twitter. Sonny Bill Williams is the most followed rugby league star with 377,321, Sam in second with 118,632. Billy Slater’s third (113,030) and Sam Tomkins fourth (88,840). Jamie Peacock (50,050), George Burgess (46,003) and Luke Burgess (44,637) also make the top 20. Numbers correct at time of writing for all you pedants out there.

Yeeees! Sam hears his move to rugby union was all just a bad dream

7) MARK Riddell was always a character in his days at Wigan but clearly one to sit a long way away from on the team bus. Former teammate at St George Dragons Shaun Timmins says: “I always used to try and avoid Mark because he had really bad breath, mainly because of his diet. He used to eat Macca’s all the time and mix it with coffee and even the occasional kebab.” How on earth did Riddell get the nickname Piggy?

8) FAVOURITE tweet of the week from Paul Thorman whose brothers Neil and Chris have either joined a Geordie ZZ Top covers band or as we speak are drinking potato whisky and stocking up on squirrels to grill in their log cabin. Scary, mad but rather ace.

9)DAILY Star continues to lead the way in the build-up to Challenge Cup semis. Two chunky page leads, both telling me things I didn’t know. First up on Wednesday Widnes star Kevin Brown reveals he is nicknamed Pea Head, Pencil Neck and Big Ears - by his teammates. Clearly it’s working as he’s been a joy to watch this season. Then on Thursday Lee Jewitt from Sunday’s opponents Castleford discusses how he was ready to pack in the game just a year ago and become a wind-turbine engineer.

10) THIS next item was just an excuse for me to marvel (geddit?) at heaps of great photos from the latest round of NRL games featuring clubs wearing superhero shirts. So feast your eyes on Roosters (Captain America) v St George (Ironman), Canberra (Hulk), Manly (Wolverine) and North Queensland (Thor). There's been some highfalutin whingeing about the desecration of traditional kits but if kids love it and it brings in money, so what? My fave is the Roosters one by a long way. Looks better on Anthony Minichiello than a middle aged bloke with a gut and a pint pot in his paw.

11) TEXT from a reliable and regular supplier of tittle-tattle for this blog….’So I’m in Soho surrounded by beautiful women and I spot an old Warriors shirt on a brickie. What has this sport done to me?!’ He’s got a point. It does twist your melon after a while. And it was a New Zealand Warriors shirt, not a Wigan one. No-one uses Warriors to describe Wigan do they??

12) JUST when it looked like there wasn't enough lunacy on social media, my favourite player signs up. Fuifui Moimoi is now on board. This is the bloke who conducted a post match World Cup interview entirely in Tongan, much to the bemusement of man with the microphone Gareth Walker who's not quite fluent in that tongue. It's the bloke who often tells Sydney reporters he can't speak English and it's the bloke who once sent me a text which said 'hhhhhhhhh OK' when I asked him where we were meeting in Parramatta. Try putting that in your SatNav.

Take that: Bradford celebrate victory over Leeds last Friday

13) AND finally an exchange from the Sunday People newsroom last Saturday morning which goes to show not all rugby league bitterness happens close to the M62. We've a reporter from Leeds and a reporter from Bradford who sit next to each other and the debate was over which city had the better curry houses. Leeds: "Shut up, you know f*** all." Bradford: "F*** off. We beat you, you Leeds scum." So for one brief, sweary moment curry houses were forgotten, relegation was forgotten and the previous night's 20-14 win was all that mattered in the world. Magic.