Cor. That'll keep us busy. So, if you'll be in any of those places then, or if you could be with a bit of organisation, come along! There will be red trousers, forgetful goldfish, kirates, brand new stuff... and an exclusive Patsy Straightwoman interview with Arthur Shappey. Hooray!

Friday, 15 March 2019

In 1923, after the success of Selfridge's and Harrod's department stores in central London, a Mr Wickham decided to build his own on the Mile End Road, in the East End. Accordingly, he engaged an architect to design him something suitably imposing, with neo-classical columns and a clock-tower and so on, and bought up all the shops in the location he had his eye on.

Except one. Mr Spiegelhalter, the jeweller at number 81, couldn't be persuaded to sell up. Mr Wickham couldn't force him to... but he also had no other location in mind, and had already bought many of the other shops. And so, when Wickham's Department Store finally opened, it looked like this:

Both buildings - or is it all three buildings? - are still standing today (Spiegelhalter's, by the way, outlasted Wickham's as a business by a good twenty years). However, they are currently being renovated into a swish new development complex called 'Dept W'. In an odd case of history repeating itself (and a less odd case of developers not understanding the value what they have) the developers intended to knock down Spiegelhalter's, and turn it into an entrance way. But after the sort of local protests and campaigning that would almost make me proud to be British, if anything could this month, they have been persuaded to keep it. The new building will now look like this:

Tuesday, 12 March 2019

Wonderfully, the Tariana language of the Amazon has different grammatical tenses that indicate where you got the evidence for what you are saying: Whether you saw it, detected it non-visually, were told about it, inferred it... or assumed it.

So, according to the fieldwork of the linguist Alexandra Aikhenvald, here are five ways to report on the culinary activities of your father's younger brother:

Nu-nami karaka di-merita-nhi-ka'My younger uncle has fried chicken' (I see bits of grease stuck on his hands and he smells of fried chicken)

And my favourite:

Nu-nami karaka di-merita-si-ka 'My younger uncle has fried chicken' (I assume so: he gets so much money he can afford it, and he looks like he has had a nice meal)

My younger uncle.

Aikhenvald goes on to say that Tariana speakers use the second of these tenses when reporting their dreams, since they did not really 'see' them. Unless... they belong to the highest caste of shaman, known as yawi, whose dreams are taken to be true. (Yawi are also believed to be capable of turning themselves into jaguars. So I suppose I can see why you'd let them tell you their boring dreams.)

Wednesday, 6 March 2019

Picture Charles Darwin conducting his research on his world-changing expedition to the Galapagos islands. Do you imagine him serious and scholarly, or youthful and enthusiastic? I bet what you do not picture him doing is spending an afternoon repeatedly throwing an iguana into the sea in the name of science. The same iguana.

A marine iguana, for once not being bullied by Charles Darwin.

He did, though. From his Journal of the Voyage of the Beagle:

It's an arresting mental image, isn't it? I would love to know how many times 'several' is. Surely at least six. Nor had Charlie finished playing tricks on lizards:

I hope these two iguanas were related. 'You'll never guess what happened to me today!' 'Wait, wait, me first...'

Tuesday, 12 February 2019

Eight Day Math - meadow requiring eight days to mow.Pasty Crust - field with brittle soil.Handkerchief - small fieldSeldom Seen - remote fieldAustralia - dittoHappersnapper - 'enclosure with a wicket gate'The Psalms - 'land on which the psalms were recited during the bound-beating ceremony'Rumps and Buttocks - 'alluding to convex configurations'

And a selection from my favourite category: 'Derogatory names for unprofitable or unfertile fields.'

Monday, 14 January 2019

Sunday, 6 January 2019

I was wondering why British convention is to end a letter to someone whose name you don't know - i.e. one that starts 'Dear Sir or Madam,' - with 'Yours faithfully'. How can you be faithful to someone you've never met?

Well, it turns out to be a contraction of what was for centuries the standard valediction to letters, some version of:

'Believe me to have the honour to remain your faithful and obedient servant'

Sometimes, between friends, it got shortened to something like this, from John Wilkes:

Also, I believe it was considered good style to try to end your letter in a way that made your name the object of the last sentence. Here's Lord Chesterfield having a bit of fun with it:

But how did they end letters to people to whom they didn't feel in the least faithful, humble or servile? Well, generally, they just said it anyway, because it was meaningless boilerplate. I gather there's a song in Hamilton about that (No, I haven't seen Hamilton yet. Yes, I know I should).

But not always. Here's Richard Savage in 1735, writing to a member of the Irish nobility of whom he is... not a fan.

Friday, 4 January 2019

Hello! I should probably have said this before, but Radio 4 are currently repeating Series 6 of JFSP at half past six on Thursday evenings, which means you can listen to them again on iPlayer here, at least for a bit.

But perhaps you don't want to listen to sketches from 2016. Perhaps only brand new sketches written in 2019 will satisfy you. In which case... lucky old you, because I'm delighted to say that Series 8 will be broadcast in the spring.

But perhaps you can't wait till then, or perhaps you want to see if the cast's silly voices come out of equally silly faces (Spoiler: Yes. Yes, they do.) In which case.... luckier still old you, because the random ballot for tickets to the recordings in Broadcasting House is now open (though only for the first date so far) and you can apply here.

But perhaps you don't like leaving things up to random ballot; or perhaps you only like seeing sketches that were written earlier that very same afternoon, performed by actors who read them for the first time 45 minutes ago. At most. In which case... luckiest of all old yous, because the cast and I are doing semi-secret try-outs of brand new material at the Cockpit Theatre in Marylebone, and tickets are available here.

But perhaps you couldn't care less about my sketches; or perhaps you could, but are annoyed that two of these four things are happening in London, where I live; instead of where you live, where you live. In which case... truly you are the unluckiest of old yous. In recompense for your distress, please accept this silly doodle of a castle.

Wednesday, 2 January 2019

This is Adlai Stevenson, the American Democratic politician and two-time unsuccessful presidential candidate upon whom Peter Sellers partially based his performance as President Muffley in Dr. Strangelove.

In 1949, when Stevenson was Governor of Illinois, a bill was proposed in that state to restrict the movement of domestic cats, in order to protect rare songbirds. Stevenson vetoed the bill, with this judgement:

"I cannot agree that it should be the declared public policy of Illinois that a cat visiting a neighbor’s yard or crossing the highways is a public nuisance. It is in the nature of cats to do a certain amount of unescorted roaming. Many live with their owners in apartments or other restricted premises, and I doubt if we want to make their every brief foray an opportunity for a small game hunt by zealous citizens—with traps or otherwise.

We are all interested in protecting certain varieties of birds. That cats destroy some birds, I well know, but I believe this legislation would further but little the worthy cause to which its proponents give such unselfish effort. The problem of cat versus bird is as old as time. If we attempt to resolve it by legislation who knows but what we may be called upon to take sides as well in the age old problems of dog versus cat, bird versus bird, or even bird versus worm. In my opinion, the State of Illinois and its local governing bodies already have enough to do without trying to control feline delinquency."

I wish he'd won.

(Bonus Stevenson fact: when he was considering whether to run for President a third time, the Russians approached him secretly and offered him assistance. He told the ambassador who made the approach that he considered it "highly improper, indiscreet and dangerous to all concerned", and promptly reported it to the sitting President, his political enemy. I mean, obviously that's what anyone would do. I don't know why I even mention it. )

Wednesday, 14 November 2018

"Oh, yes, Victor, very nice! Very intense. Like it. Great. Ok, shall we try another pose?"

"...Yep. Yep, that's good too. Ok, I think we've got some terrific options for that look. Tell you what, let's try one without your hand on your face. How about that?"

"......Ok. Yep, ok, that was my fault. I left you a loophole there, didn't I Vic? Fair enough. So! Now let's try one without your hand on your head AT ALL."

"...I'm not an idiot, Victor. [...] YES, that counts as 'on'! [...] Of course it does, it... Look. We're both tired. Let's take a break, shall we, for a few days. Or years, or... decades, even, and then come at it fresh."

Monday, 13 August 2018

Here's something I didn't know: silhouettes were, as you might not be surprised to learn, named after a Monsieur Silhouette. But, as you might be surprised to learn, he didn't invent them. Étienne de Silhouette was an unpopular French finance minister in the 18th Century who imposed austerity measures so fierce that to do something 'à la Silhouette' became slang for to do it on the cheap. And having your silhouette cut or drawn was a lot cheaper then having a miniature painted...

I was going to illustrate this with a picture of a silhouette which is thought to be a self-portrait by Jane Austen. But unfortunately, I looked into it, and it turns out there's another, more persuasive theory which is: no it's not. So instead, here's a couple of mine. It turns out silhouettes are a good way of doing quick sketches of people sat next to you at the British Library, because it only takes a few crafty sideways glances now and then, and then the rest is just colouring in.

Thank you very much to everyone who's suggested sketches they'd like to see on stage - it's really useful. But I realised if a sketch got a few nominations, I couldn't tell whether it was genuinely popular, or whether it was just that the first mention reminded other people it existed. So... in an attempt to create a level playing field, here's something I've been meaning to do for a while anyway: a big old list of every sketch in all seven series of Souvenir Programme.

These aren't always the original titles - I've tried to make them recognisable, and where they still aren't, I've put a key word or phrase in brackets. Do carry on leaving nominations in the comments!

SERIES ONE

Episode One

Mr Frint - No Job Too Big
Three Guards (Tiger with a gun)
Interview Sketch - Before You're Thirty (Be kind, have fun)
To Re-record Your Message
Pooh's Indebevention
I Speak As I Find
The Noise of the Tardis
Jamaica Quickie
Since You Ask Me - Ghost Story (Jacket pocket jacket pocket)

Episode Two

Three Little Pigs
Cat-Nav I
The Interview Sketch - Evolutionist (Hummingbirds)
Voltaire
Cat-Nav II
Song - Ballad 404 ('Where have they gone...')
The Archers Accidentally I ('...if it turns out I own this pub')
Hunger Quickie
Cat-Nav III
Since You Ask Me - Family Curse (Wim-Bim-King-Sim-Sham)

Reme
The Seance
Song - Zoo Song I - Meerkats
Old Spies (Thompson Pulse)
Pampering (Pat me dry with a little baby duckling)
Song - Zoo Song II - Penguins
The Emperor's New Clothes
Song - Zoo Song III - Gnus
Since You Ask Me - Treasure Island (Polly wants a bison)

Episode Five (Edinburgh Special)

The Silent Majority I - Speed Cameras, Language
The Quest
The Grasshopper and the Ants
The Interview Sketch - Athlete (Fastest tricyclist in the world)
Architect Briefing
Civil War (Cat people and dog people)
Cheer Up
Since You Ask Me - Edinburgh (Thumb-snatchers)

Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out
New Friend (Sniffer dog)
The Gilgamesh Experiment I (F. Ronald Huggerman)
A History of Choice
House Sitter
The Gilgamesh Experiment II
Flow Chart
The Interview Sketch - Ice Cream Van Painter
Voice In My Head - Grande
The Gilgamesh Experiment III
Since You Ask Me - Typhoon

Teaching Aid
Bodyguards I
Live to Tell the Tale ('Threw me back')
World Championships of Snap
Bodyguards II
Song - Three MonkeysVoting
Sisyphus
Pound Shop
Bodyguards III
Since You Ask Me - DuelEpisode Two

The Capital of Spain
School Slogan
Magic Mirror
Ban Cancer
Song - Even Bluesmen Get the Pinks
PhD Proposal Quickie
Mulligan's Bank
Richard of York
Since You Ask Me - Crossing the Atlantic (Mr. Floofywhiskers)

Train Delay I
Nice Cop Nasty Cop
Other Offences
Song - Cerberus
Other Interests
Train Delay II
The Most Self-Indulgent Sketch in the World
Since You Ask Me - Robot Queen Victoria

SERIES SIX

Episode One - Christmas Special

John Mulligan's Advert
Good King Wenceslas
Exit Polls I
Runner Up (Holly and Ivy)
Song - December 27th
Exit Polls II
Baby's First Christmas
Eyewitness (Night Before Christmas)
Father Ramadan
Exit Polls III
Since You Ask Me - Nativity

St. Ives
So-Called Fire Brigade
New Kitchen Floor
Socrates' Worst Idea
Eulogy For a Man in the Right
President's Two Speeches
House on Fire
The Archers Accidentally IV
Since You Ask Me - Proposal

Episode Five

David Starkey
Tufty (Wolverine)
Open Letters
Designing the Snake
What's He Like?
But a Man
Behind Closed Doors - Ferry
King James
Song - Truckstops
Since You Ask Me - Fortune TellerEpisode Six

Is There a Doctor on Board?
Pet Tips I
You'll Set Me Off
Pet Tips II - Tortoises
Which of These Cats Is Bigger Than The Other One?
Pet Tips III - Cats
Celeriac Awareness
Pet Tips IV - Stick Insects
Guest Spots
Missed Connections
Since You Ask Me - The MusicalSERIES SEVEN

Bet You I Crash It
New Player Tutorial
The Godivas
Song - Moral Maze
Interview Sketch - Mayfly
Planning to Meet Up
Stand Up - Taps
Johnson and Boswell
Since You Ask Me - Western

Episode Five

Caesar's Last Words
Voice In My Head - Carcassonne
Animal Designers Crisis
Grains of Rice
Interview Sketch - Centaur
George and the Dragon
Animals and Kings
Sunset
Leaving a Funeral
De-sensitised Crows
One Question Time to the Tune of Another
Since You Ask Me - Card Trick

Episode Six

The Plan
Sponsored Leopard
The Weather
Song - The Terrible Leaving Do of 2017
Memory Technique
A Cake in the Shape of a Cake
Interview Sketch - Linguist
JFSP Accidentally
Since You Ask Me - The Heist

Wednesday, 21 February 2018

Good news! I'm absolutely delighted to say that, in response to many people here and on Twitter quite rightly pointing out my tour was giving the North West an unreasonably wide berth, we've been able to add an extra date, and will also be coming to.... Preston!

Come and see us! And, if you have any suggestions for sketches or songs from Souvenir Programme you would particularly like to see on stage, do let me know in the comments. I'm trying to persuade Carrie we should do Elephant and Castle, so that every night she'll have to dress up as an elephant, put on a suit of armour, and slowly fall down a massive staircase. She seems unconvinced...

Thursday, 8 February 2018

For two days, the whole new series of Souvenir Programme is available on BBC iPlayer. After that, they'll drop off one by one, but you still have six weeks to listen to today's episode, which I think might be one of the best we've done...

And after that, if you're not sick of the sound of my stupid voice, why not see how you cope with my stupid face? Because... I'm going on tour!

John Finnemore's Flying Visit is a brand new full length stage show, featuring the entire cast of Souvenir Programme; with sketches, songs, Pet Tips, Since You Ask Me tales, and a guest appearance from Wing Commander Arthur Shappey. We're doing thirteen dates around Britain in May and June, and tickets are either on sale right now, or will be soon. Here's a handy list of dates and ticket lists. Come and see us!

Friday, 8 December 2017

Thursday, 7 December 2017

(For those asking where it is: I'm afraid I made it up. But I cribbed bits from the Cathedrals of Wells, Amiens, Rheims and Exeter. And then I put in some completely unnecessary flying buttresses, because what's the point of doodling a cathedral if you don't get to do flying buttresses?)

Wednesday, 6 December 2017

Tuesday, 5 December 2017

This was an experiment in drawing white on black, rather than vice versa. It didn't quite work out, as you see, which is why this is apparently a caricature of the ghost of Michael Caine, rather than the man himself. But I'll have another go sometime.

Monday, 4 December 2017

One of many, many marginal penguins doodled whilst writing Penguin Diplomacy. This is one of the worst of them - what on earth is going on with his feet? But it's still my favourite, just because of the operatic pose.

Sunday, 3 December 2017

I apologise for Faraging up your advent so early. But one thing I've discovered this year is the joy of caricaturing people I dislike, and so am not held back by guilt. You'll never guess which public figure taught me this lesson. (I will try to keep him out of this series. But no promises...)