Battling My Demons

We all have our demons. Our own battles. Our own issues. Insecurities. Things we don’t like about ourselves. For me, mine has always been my weight, for as long as I can remember.

My weight, has always been an incredibly personal issue for me. I don’t remember the last time I looked at myself naked and thought, daaaamn, you look good. The last time I felt confident in an outfit? Honestly, I couldn’t tell you.

As I said, it’s always been a very personal issue for me and it’s nothing something I typically discuss in such a public way.

This is for many reasons. One reason is this whole body positive attitude that’s around at the minute. Don’t get me wrong, it’s brilliant to see and I’m so frickin’ happy for you if you are body positive but not everyone is. I’m definitely not. I don’t feel like I can openly talk about my weight, my body, how I feel about it etc without being shouted down on social media and man, that fucking sucks.

Should I be able to talk about my biggest insecurity on my platforms if it helps me? Of course, I should but I don’t because I can’t be arsed with a backlash and it’s something I’ve struggled with for such a long time. It feels second nature to me almost. But here I am, saying it all over the bloody internet. I hate my body, I hate how I look, my weight and physical appearance is my demon.

you would’ve seen me on my stories literally word vomiting about my body and weight. It’s been something that’s been eating away at me for so long, just constantly there. It was like I had this little voice in my ear whispering stuff to me. In not so many words but in a much nicer way: telling me I’m not good enough, that I’m too big and will forever be unhappy about myself.

I will do everything in my power to hide my body.

I wear baggy jumpers/tops constantly. If I ever wear a dress, it’s a baggy swing style dress because I want to hide my body, I don’twant people to see me. Which, is ironic really because I have such a huge personality and if any of you have met me in real life (whether I’m drunk or sober at an event) you’ll know how loud *ahem* funny and in general just how chatty I am. Anyway, so back to the little fucker called weight. I’ve done things that I’m not proud of when it comes to my weight and it’s something I would prefer to keep private. I hope you guys reading this can respect that.

I needed to do something because of how unhappy I was.

My biggest problem was comfort eating. I’d comfort eat in the evenings because I’m lonely. As we all know, Kayne works shit work hours so from about 5.00pm-9/10.00pm I’m on my own most nights. I would also comfort eat because I’m so bored/fed up and down all the fricking time. Then I’d sit there crying because I’ve just comfort ate, then to make me feel better – I’d just comfort eat some more. It’s just been a massive vicious cycle that I felt like I couldn’t escape. Not gonna lie, my weight and physical appearance has really fucked my self esteem and confidence up.

But I realised that I had to do something about it.

I had to come to terms with a lot of things and accept that I needed an intervention somewhere down the line. I literally can’t even tell you how much this was getting me down. So, I decided to join the gym, start running, get a routine into place, cut out the crap and stop making excuses for myself.

It’s hard though, y’know? How do you get yourself out this vicious cycle, out of this dark place? How do you begin to start the process when you find even getting out of bed in the morning a massive task within itself? Is it even possible? Will I even be able to do it? It’s not easy but I just kept thinking to myself, the only person who can change you Katie, is you. Hopefully, I’m not on my own here.

Nearly two months later,

I feel a lot better about myself physically and mentally. I definitely think the gym has played a big role in my mental health recently. No way am I saying that exercise fixes it all but for me, it’s certainly helping and if that helps me then I’ll take it. If by going to the gym, I learn to love myself, feel better about myself and if it makes me feel… I don’t know… Something? A different emotion than just negative and dark ones all the time. Then I’m gonna take it.

A lot of my nearest and dearest have seen a difference in me since joining the gym and I actually look forward to going to the gym. Who would’ve thought? Like when I wake up in the morning and know I have a gym workout that night, I get excited and count down the hours til I can go.

Don’t get me wrong,

I’m still not 100%, 2018 has been pretty tough and horrible so far. I’m a bit all over but better than what I was. For the first time in years, I went into a changing room, tried on clothes and came out with a beaming smile on my face, no tears. This was a hugeeeee deal for me because I would always come out the changing rooms in tears because of how I looked. So this is definitely a step in the right direction.

I have definitely noticed a difference in my physical appearance.

Which of course, I am incredibly happy about. I know what my weight goal is. It is a realistic goal, having weighed that before I went to University. So, it’s just a case of seeing what happens I guess. I’m not doing certain things to get to where I want to be anymore. This time, I’m being realistic and safe.

There’s going to be a couple blog posts coming up soon. One with Herbalife (which I’m excited to get live, just gotta get my head back in the right place with my blog and personal life so I can be consistent with blogging again). The other, will be just a general chit chat about my fitness journey. Hopefully you guys will like it. I’ve tried to keep this post as ‘lighthearted’ as possible (lol, I feel like I’ve just shit all over the post). There’s still a lot I’m not ready to talk about with weight but I’m quite proud of what I have said so far. Sometimes, I think just opening up a tiny bit can do the world some good. I’m not entirely sure what I wanted to achieve with this post, just another word vomit from Katie. If it helps, it helps.