Man Arrested For Spilling His Midichlorians On Star Wars Toy In Florida Walmart

The Smoking Gun website has posted an affidavit describing a particularly skeevy toy aisle incident in a Florida Walmart. A man allegedly took a copy of the February Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue over to the toy aisle, then masturbated to it in front of the Star Wars toys. When he was done, according to a Walmart employee who witnessed the incident, he wiped his hand on a nearby toy; a police source who spoke with TSG says it was a Star Wars lightsaber.

Here’s what the employees working in the toy section reported to the police officer dispatched to the scene. Don’t read the next paragraph if you don’t want to accidentally come across the phrase “erect penis” in an otherwise normal sentence.

[Employee #1] said she rounded the corner and observed a male wearing a red shirt and khaki pants standing with his erect penis out of his pants. … [An Asset Protection Supervisor stated] the defendant ejaculated onto the floor and wiped his hand on a toy along with rubbing his foot in the suspected semen on the floor. He said the defendant then discarded the magazine behind some toys and proceeded to the front of the store.