On my last day in
Hawai'i, my mother and sister suddenly protested my barehanding
of vegetables. I had been to a number of restaurants with them,
and at each one I would order a salad without dressing. All
vegetables that are dry and not sticky I typically like to pick up with
my hands. But on this day Emily said angrily, "When in Rome!"

Now first of all, if I
really had to do "as the Romans", then I would have to put dressing on
my salad. End of story. You want me to be Roman? Then
dump me vat of thousand island. But here you let me eat dry, raw
vegetables - I'm already not in Rome. Maybe I'm about in
Afganistan on Mars.

Secondly, to my sister,
some people who criticize people (like she has done to myself) are
referred to as "parochial". I guess being un-Roman or my accuser
being parochial is just a matter of her mood.

Americans grab veggies
barehand, then dunk them in onion dip. I'm really not imitating
their first move - it only happens to be the same. I wouldn't
want to be the same as them, because by many standards the etiquette
situation over there is pretty dire.

So what's the principle
behind "when in Rome, do as the Romans do"? Imitation pure and
simple.

(photo
by moi)

In America, I
suppose I'd have to love war, get obese, read porno pages, watch four
hours of TV every day, and be afraid of AIDS in order to be Roman.

Would be imitators (Romans) in China, would have to squeal their head
off in public, urinate on the street, litter like a maniac and spit
while making the sound of a capuccino machine at 110
decibels.

A polite
American.
It eats its salad w/a fork, too.

So
I have a proposition:
Will people with greasy hands from fries who are holding spongy
bread-enveloped sandwiches in their hands please refrain from telling
me how to hold a vegetable? Thanks.

And those people who
aren't holding anything, who are still un-American in some aspects: you
shut up, too.

Oh, and to you
true Americans - fat, TV-loving, trigger-happy, waving their red,
white and blues: at least you're walking the walk - go brother!
On the 0% chance that I'd ever be on your turf eating in front of
someone such as yourself, I'd eat my leaves with a fork anytime for
you.

On that day I'll
say: " Forks up. Fork us all. I'll fork anything that
moves!" just like Dennis Hopper said in Blue Velvet.

Photo Gallery

Do you
have a sister? Yow!

This is just
awesome.

Savage
Japanese in backwards times using barbaric "chopsticks". Wow, do
they brainwash those kids early!

This
boy is of Japaenese ancestry, but he's learning his US etiquette
fast. Good boy!

"Mommy
could I snatch one of those pepper slices?" "Not unless you want me to
spank you 'till you bleed, dear :)"

"Mmm! Being Ashkenazi Mafia Porn Leader, excessive
wanking, and seeing prostitutes three days a week on Viagra has made me
a bit hungry! Think I'll dig into one of these! Oops!
I was just wanking! No matter, 'When in the Jewnited States, do
as the Jew Yorkers do!'" - Jew Hefner

See, Americans
don't use their hands on their salad, they're too technologically
advanced. They have "salad hands" for sale everywhere and oodles
of land without trees because of it. I wish I was joking here,
but I'm not.

Darn!
This isn't even salad! Can you say 1st degree felony?! And
I hope that yellow-orange stuff on her hand is just some low-grade
henna and not some other yellow-orange material I know of.

Woah.
Now the Koreans are doing it. They're just dying for an A-bomb on
Pusan, aren't they?

Some internet geek
tried to make it look like Americans ate vegetables with their hands in
the 50's. We're not buying it, loser.

Just
for legal reference: all these items here should be eaten with bare
hands. The grease from the fries saves on Vaseline money and you
can donate it to your favorite charity.

Another
criminal. C'mon, send us another picture with your face in it -
if you dare!

An American Giraffe
on vacation in Africa. He bare-hooves everything while in Africa
because that's what the natives do. But when he goes back to the
US, it's back to using forks for spearing his leaves.