Tuesday, October 24, 2006

So I networked with some single moms in the area, and met one of them on Saturday. There is an available 2 bedroom apartment available right above her. It's a great apartment going for a really great price. Of course I was interested.

I told my landlord, and he offered me a one bedroom in his other building, for $80 more a month. Its a *huge* one bedroom. Did I say huge? Actually its bigger than the 2 bedroom and has 5 closets and a great kitchen and bathroom. And parquet floors. I tearfully have to change babysitters...the super's wife will watch Daya for $300 a month LESS than what I'm paying right now. And she's right down the hall. That almost offsets the increase in rent. There are several other factors as well (train, mail, laundry, elevator, friends close by, commute), so I am taking the one bedroom and will be moving sometime next month.

Both apartments are number 2L. I got chills when I heard that.

I am so, so, so excited to start living a decent quality of life. This is a huge upgrade for me. I'll have room for the bookshelves I desperately need. Even more importantly, I'll have a place to put Daya's clothing. And other basic furniture that I have no room for currently. Daya will have room to walk around.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Spiritually speaking, I am more than distrustful of old men. And I'm not talking about human old men.

The ex used to speak of (in our later days) an old man that he used to see. I think it was bald. He said the old man told him to do things. In fact, he said that the old man told him told him to get rid of me.

He thought the old man was God.

When I was in the pagan group the leader, who went more and more crazy as time progressed, also referred to her primary god-figure as the Old Man. And we know how that situation turned out. (Though seriously, I wish her well. And I have nothing against Odin.)

Interesting to note that ALL patriarchial religions feature old men figures and images as godheads. I'm not going into how I feel about patriarchial religions or the awful, awful damage I see them cause, both on an individual and global level.

Early this morning I had a "visit" from a (the?) old man. It was not pleasant. I was in Grand Central and a man with long curly brown hair, dark sunglasses, and a black hat and suit was standing. He had a gold sequin-ey thing at his collar. I had Daya with me. He said "Do you like children?" I said "I like mine." Then he got a large black book with a band of gold sequins that matched his collar. He opened the book and for once, I was curious in a dream, and this book showed awful pictures of this old man's head coming out of people's chests. A bit grotesque. Then the man's face changed into that of the old man in the book. I yelled at him, called him disgusting, and I left. He started singing in a hypnotic voice to the general population, and it was broadcasting in the streets outside of the building. Another man, with long straight whitish hair, was going around singing something about save your soul, but I knew it was another face of the old man, which was interesting because they were opposites of each other.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

First the child Support people told me (three times, three different people) that serving to an international address was no problem. But it is a problem for South Africa, becaue it took me going down to court to find out they don't serve.

So I FedEx'd the papers. To the address that is in all the legal papers. The one his lawyer is using. They said it would arrive Friday. That Friday night I had a dream that he had received the package and he was talking to me about why I sent it.

This morning I got 10 voicemails, all from FedEx, left since October 6th. I just got all of them today. They said the address was incorrect. Whle I was on the phone the mailroom called saying they have my FedEx package.

My SA friend says it's definite funny business, becaue over there you can just pay the delivery guy to "take care of it". Happens all the time.

And the child support checks stopped. Which, ironically, I'm glad of since they just piss me off.

This morning I got a phone call at 6:30am. When I saw the caller ID, I immediately knew I had no childcare arrangements for the day.

That can be a really sticky and scary thing when its just you, and there's no family to fall back on. Thankfully my fabulous amazing friends took Daya for today.

Apparently I have a backup care benefit from work, which I made sure I was actually registered for this morning. It costs a little $$, but at least its there. And it got me thinking...I leave Daya with others all the time. She's used to it and she doesn't mind. But I've only left her with 3 people she and I both know very well. Including the babysitter. And the other two practically count as one person. I'd be really scared to leave her at a daycare center. Firstly, because I don't trust them for kids under a certain age, and secondly, it would be a totally new environment with no familiar people.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I think I have finally learned the detriment of sharing deep personal revelations with anyone, even people who I thought would understand. But I am misunderstood, again, and I'm suprised at how much it hurts.

"Is it better to have words left unsaid, or to have words misunderstood?"-Cowboy Junkies

Sunday, October 15, 2006

I'm taking a software class this weekend. Exactly one year and a couple of weeks ago, I took a different software class with the same training company. I am in the same place with, ironically enough, the same instructor. Who actually remembers me. Last year I was still pregnant. It is so, so strange, like walking in overlapped time. I can't get my head around the time factor- that it was only one year ago, when it feels, literally, like its been at least five years ago. Or lifetimes ago. Its such a strange feeling. I keep seeing myself back then. Down to the shirt I was wearing.

*****
Earlier in the week I emailed Beth to ask if she has seen mint chapstick lately. I haven't seen it in years...I missed it. And yesterday, look what I found!

Friday, October 13, 2006

If you are loudly sucking your teeth every 2 seconds because you got something stuck in them and I can hear you 20 feet away over my headphones (that I put on just to drown you out) then GET SOME FUCKING DENTAL FLOSS!!!!!!

Friday, October 06, 2006

One of the coolest things at working for a large global company is the diversity and cultural exchange. Though I have never had the opportunity to travel (yet!), I have always thrived in international settings, and most of my friends throughout my life have not been American.

Today the Asian employee group held traditional Japanese Tea Ceremony. For many years I have had a great love and appreciation for Japanese culture. In fact, the only thing I deeply miss about my marriage is the Kenjutsu. I miss it very deeply every single day. I used to have a dojo in my apartment. I loved it very much. When I was a small child, I used to pretend I was Japanese sometimes!

For tea ceremony, I even made an allowance in my no sugar rule, since before you take the tea you have a small sweet. Oh, it was so worth it!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

I was really hoping this wouldn't happen, but it did...I missed Daya's official first steps. :(

She took two steps this afternoon. Last night she sort-of took a half step, so I knew it would happen soon. I just really wanted to be there.

I hate hate hate that I have to leave her so much.

Perhaps this is why I have trouble connecting the mother thing in myself- because I know that I am mostly numb or buffered or something about having to leave her for most of the day every day. I dislike it very much, but I don't feel it most of the time. It would be so much worse if I did.

Yesterday was so strange and surreal. The kind of day where you feel you've completely lost your divine backing/support in your endeavours, then something so unexpectedly wonderful happens to tell you otherwise. The kind of unexpected wonderful that your lawyer isn't charging you any of the $500 quote to get some papers done. I am so deeply grateful. Beyond grateful.

A few days ago I was thinking about a man that I used to know but haven't seen in years. As I was entering the subway at Times Square to go home yesterday, he was standing right behind me. It was great to see him. He invited me to a women's circle that his partner runs, which I will not attend. The timing of this, though, has not escaped me. October is my time of fasting, cleansing, and reconnecting with Goddess energy.

A short number of years ago that was actually two lifetimes ago, I was pretty involved in the NYC Pagan community. That was such an important phase of my life, but I have no desire or need to go back.

I have never been able to find a community that I could stay with, though I felt deeply committed to all of them. I always outgrew them. I did the Christian thing, and found it empty and lacking. Then I went to the Pagans, and found many beautiful things and many horrible things. The Interfaith Ministers community was beautiful in their way, but they, too, were so full of politics and psychobabble. Mostly I found a lot of the same things in all the communities. I respect anyone who is in any of these, or other communities, there is nothing wrong with them, but none of them are for me. This year I have been in an Alone place, and in that place I have re-connected with myself spiritually in ways I never would have in the company of others.

While I do feel often that my life has been lonely, I treasure my ability to walk alone, to explore the vastness of inner worlds, and the deep serenity and peace that I experience more often than not.

The more I learn and expand the more I realize that I know nothing. That is one of the wonders of infinity. It is an exciting Journey.