My mother has stopped speaking to me. I am writing a family memoir about holiday cottages in a town where my great-grandmother lived for many years, where my mother has many fond memories and so do I. My mother, who inherited her grandmother's cottage, sold it when I was 16 as she couldn't afford to keep it. My husband and I were able to buy a nearby cottage in the same town about 15 years ago.

Nothing in the memoir is fictional; it's in the genre of creative nonfiction, in which I dramatise family stories in a factual way. The events happened, but the dialogue is written by me, as no one now alive remembers exactly what one sister said to one brother in 1910.

My problem is how badly my mother reacts to anything in the memoir that portrays her grandmother in a less than saintly light. On the whole, the memoir is admiring of my great-grandmother, but, for instance, her marriage wasn't that wonderful and I mentioned that.

I wrote a part of the memoir from my great-grandmother's point of view in the 1940s, when she bought the holiday cottage after my great-grandfather had died, and I mentioned my great-grandfather's "other women". This is not conjecture but fact, and given that my great-grandfather died 70 years ago and my great-grandmother 30 years ago, I think it is unreasonable for my mother to cease speaking to me over this.

It's been six months since she stopped speaking to me. The book proposal is at various publishing houses.

I think my mother has no business dictating what I can write about – I'm 46, after all. This issue is extremely stressful for my family, and I'm not sure how to proceed. I sent my mother flowers a couple of months ago asking her to bury the hatchet and move on for the sake of the children, and she said she couldn't until I apologised and agreed to remove the parts of the book she didn't like. L, via email

Although what you write about is pretty unique to you, it touches on a subject that concerns anyone with a family, which is family history and who owns it and what we're allowed to do with it. I've been asked to write about my family many times (portions of it have great drama), but it's not just mine to share so I haven't, at least not yet, because it would upset too many people who are still alive, not least my mother and I care for her greatly. No publishing deal is a substitute for good family relations. That's my choice, and I'm not saying it should be yours. But I wonder what your motivation is? What is it you have to say in this book that is so important that you risk losing your mother's friendship?

Is it of national importance that you keep in the bits that are proving so contentious? Because it sounds as if, with a bit of tweaking, you could still write the book without upsetting your mother. I think you have become so indignant that you can't see that perhaps, with some shifting around, you can all have what you want.

You're right. Your mother has no business dictating what you can write, but you have no right to tell her what she should feel, either.

Remember that the publishing world is fickle. You could get a deal, an advance, but it still may not make it to the shelves. Then you will have had all this upset, all this stress, for what? Equally it could be published and be an enormous success, a film made about your grandmother and the holiday cottages and then suddenly the world knows about your family. Perhaps the director will want to change your character (are you in it?) and make you less attractive than you would like. How would you feel about that, even if it is artistic licence?

Much family history is subjective (try talking to two siblings about their upbringing) and though none of us "owns" it, we do own the right to respect another's memory even if we think it's not entirely accurate.

What do you want to happen next? If you want to make amends with your mother, you are going to have to ask her what you can do to accommodate her needs and yours.

I think you need to ask yourself one big question: would I make these changes if my editor asked me to?