Commitment Part Of Love

SINGLE FILE Susan Deitz

April 28, 1994|Susan Deitz

Dear Susan: I was in a wonderful, loving relationship with a man for two years, a man who treated me better than I've ever been treated. Except ... he never told me he loved me. We finally spoke about this, and he said he could not commit to me.

At the age of 40 I wanted more and knew I deserved more, and so unhappily I ended the relationship. I mourned for him for a year, with him calling me intermittently, having occasional dates. I was still very much in love with him, and I guess I still hoped he would come to his senses.

Silly me. After one year with no change in his thinking I avoided talking to him at all. A few months later, in the middle of his trying to see me again, I found out he was living with someone. You can imagine how I felt. My advice for anyone in a similar situation is to forget him and move on. It's not easy, but it's worse being with someone you are so unsure about. - Dorian W., San Antonio, Texas

Dear Dorian: You did the right thing in ending this relationship, but then letting it drift into a state of limbo with occasional talks and dates was a mistake. Partial love only keeps you a prisoner, and a lonely one at that. Love is not love unless it comes with commitment.

Dear Susan: What do you do when you love someone but he doesn't love you ... and there's a someone who does love you, but whom you don't love? - Sleepless in Tacoma, Wash.

Dear Sleepless: Pack up the bags under your eyes and start seeing the love connection for what it is: a process of hurt or be hurt. Dating is a bumpy road, which is why it is littered with broken hearts.

If you choose someone unavailable to you, a good way to defuse your passion is to figure out what you admire in him - and then resume your travels with a bit more insight into what you really want. The next step is to use this experience to make you a kinder, gentler person.