The "I Feel Like a Child" Syndrome

If our various child parts are not fully integrated into our adult self, we're likely at times to feel like a child inside an adult's body. We won't be able to feel truly grown up because our basic sense of self hasn't sufficiently evolved into the actual adult we've become. Our chronological age, our body, our mind may all say "adult" . . . but our psyche nonetheless continues to say "child."

To put it more concretely, when present-day circumstances tap into old, unresolved doubts or fears--that is, distressful feelings that may go all the way back to childhood--we'll experience ourselves in the same way we did in the past. (And to be honest, looking back at our lives, which of us hasn't many times felt unsure, or defective, or unsafe?) If we haven't yet managed to "assimilate" the growth or maturation that typically characterizes our current level of functioning, then questions we had about ourselves during an earlier stage of development will resurface, leading us to feel an insecurity that may no longer accurately portray our actual resources.

In the past, caught up in the struggle to find ourselves and our place in the world, we may have had good reason to doubt ourselves. But such self-skepticism may no longer be fitting. All the same, various circumstances may prompt us to be besieged by this suddenly revived self-mistrust or apprehension--and quite independent of the possibility that now we may well possess the wherewithal to deal with the kind of problem, or problematic person, that originally overwhelmed us.

It's probably universal that former negative beliefs we had about our limitations (limitations probably congruent with where we were developmentally), can yet hinder us from seeing ourselves as the more or less competent, resourceful adults we've become. And although we may well have become more self-confident, as long as that insecure "child fragment" still residing within us hasn't been made privy to all the changes we've accomplished since that fragment was us, then stressful situations will continue to make us vulnerable to the same insecure feelings that "afflicted" us in growing up. On such occasions, we'll internally "harass" ourselves by identifying with an image of self that is as uncertain and self-critical as it is out-of-date--an image that has been (or should have been) superseded by now.

Experiencing ourselves at a core level as though we were still children is apt to render us indecisive, helpless, or prematurely impel us to suspend our efforts on a task, pursuit, or even relationship. In the moment confusing our present-day self with an earlier, less capable self, we may also--regressively--be driven to look for another person to rely on (reflecting old dependency needs); or shy away from accepting a responsibility that now seems intimidating and makes us feel overwhelmed (reflecting our insecure inner child's need for external direction and authority). In short, our brain has been hijacked--sabotaged by that earlier part of us who was never quite able to "merge" with the adult we eventually became.

When we speak of "getting our buttons pushed," what we're really talking about is a circumstance that's provoked us principally through re-stimulating old doubts and anxieties. Our emotional equilibrium temporarily thrown off balance, we feel compelled to go into self-defensive mode. And this irresistible impulse to protect our suddenly re-experienced frailty can take many forms, some of them not particularly obvious. We might, for instance, be driven toward aggressive verbal combat (as in, "the best defense is a good offense"); or we might strive ardently (even desperately) to justify ourselves; or we might feel a tremendous pull toward retreating from this upsetting situation altogether. At a deep, unconscious level the here-and-now scenario may make us feel almost as though our very survival is at stake. And, reacting in accordance with these overblown feelings, we may well come across to others as overly dramatic, or "overplaying our hand," or (to them, inexplicably) fighting for our lives--especially since the apparent stimulus for our hyper-reactive response may actually be quite minor.

To provide a clinical context for what I've been describing theoretically, let me present a couple of examples of what I've come to regard as the "‘I feel like a child' syndrome."

One case (of many, many cases) involved a client of mine forced to take on the responsibilities of parenthood before, psychologically, he felt ready to. He spoke to me about his uneasiness in this demanding parental role, and about his seeing himself as insufficiently prepared to father not just one but two young children (and girls yet!) He felt "stressed out" by these unrelenting feelings of not being adult enough to handle such a responsibility. His fundamental sense of self simply hadn't caught up with his current-day position in life. But the essence of his anxiety really related to deeper feelings of insecurity--feelings that harked back to the insecurity that plagued him when he was growing up.

He also felt that others saw him in a favorable light that didn't at all match the subjective reality of his own massive self-doubt. It seemed almost incredible that he could convince others that he knew what he was doing when he couldn't at all convince himself. Distraught and feeling like a fraud, he was unable to see himself as old enough, or mature enough, to be doing what in fact he was doing--especially after he got divorced and was awarded primary custody of his children. Though hardly visible to others, his self-doubt gnawed away at him. Outwardly, he may have behaved appropriately in all this, but--internally--he couldn't see his behaviors as anything like a true, spontaneous expression of who he felt he actually was.

Another client regularly got her buttons pushed--and was made to feel like a child--when she spent time with her critical mother, or when superiors at work were judgmental toward her. As in the above example, this client--despite her considerable talents and achievements--hadn't been able to adequately integrate her already well-demonstrated adult competence. And so old feelings of insufficiency and trepidation would crop up whenever someone in authority (or someone whom she couldn't help but assign authority to) seemed critical of her. Experiencing herself as somehow being attacked, her old insecurities--and self-criticism--would be re-awakened. And she'd find herself feeling utterly deflated (at times, even devastated)--her composure for the moment totally shaken.

Again, when her words or behavior seemed to be called into question, ancient child parts of her that felt deficient would re-emerge, and feelings she thought she should certainly be over by now would return to torment her. In such situations, she felt "like a little kid," and she talked about how hard it was to see her present-day self as possibly having as much authority as those whose criticisms of her might be based less on her performance than their own particular bias--or, in fact, their own unresolved childhood issues. Even when she was consciously aware that a criticism from a superior was without merit, she still reacted as though there must be something wrong with her for having received the criticism in the first place. It was as though the immediate, precipitating circumstance forced her to regress to her child self, during which her abusive parents constantly made her feel she was somehow to blame for whatever tensions existed in her blatantly dysfunctional family.

It's probably true for most of us that when we visit our families, our parents exhibit a special knack for making us feel that--just maybe--we never really did grow up. After all, many (if not most) parents struggle to relinquish the parent-child relationship that over the years may have come to define their bond with us (and maybe their own identity as well). So treating us as the adult "equals" that in time we did become can be exceedingly difficult for them. If we still have self-doubting child parts submerged within us, parts that have yet to be subsumed by the adults we are today, our caretakers are the ones most likely to bring to light these not-grown-up segments of self--inducing us to feel (and react) in ways hardly representative of our present-day relationships with others.

The remedy for what I've been describing has mostly to do with coming into our own authority as adults. We need to realize that whatever feelings of insecurity may still bother us probably have a lot less to do with the facts of our adult existence than the self-doubts best viewed as "holdovers" (or remnants) from childhood. And one experiential method to help "loosen up" this stuck child deep within us--as well as to facilitate that child's getting over these original feelings of fear, inadequacy, or powerlessness--is through undertaking some sort of internal dialogue.

What I frequently suggest to the people I work with is that when a present-day situation re-stimulates, or "hooks," a child part of them--and in a sense leads that child part to take custody of their adult self--that they explore (through their mind's eye) what this child looks like. Spontaneously, what picture do they get of their earlier self? How old is the child? What might the child be wearing? Just where are they? What's going on? Is there a specific scene or circumstance that dovetails with what that sad, hurt, or angry child is somehow making them feel so intensely right now-that is, as relates to the recent situation currently troubling them? If so, what is it about the present experience that's reminding the child of the past one? How are two somehow analogous? Who's in the past scene? What's being said? How is it affecting them? And what are the physical sensations that get revived when they identify with this earlier, upset child self?

Returning to the present-day provocation, I ask them to re-vivify that part of themselves that may have over-reacted in the moment. (And I might mention here that I seek to reassure them about themselves by helping them to understand that their here-and-now reaction really wasn't "exaggerated" as such. For this reaction included not simply the immediate provocation but also, necessarily, the never-resolved provocation from the past--which unfortunately got "tapped into" by the current situation. That is, their reaction is perceivable as exaggerated, or distorted, only when it's viewed solely in the context of their present frustration.)

Moving to the more "formal" internal dialogue work, I suggest that my client--going back in time to take the child away from the distressing (or even traumatic) experience--ask their child self just how they interpreted the disturbing situation they were in so many years ago. How did it make them think about themselves?--not good enough? not smart enough? not fitting in? weak? powerless? not acceptable? not loveable? and so on. Then I have my client tell their upset child part that they've grown up, grown up to be part of the basically competent adult that's now returned to "rescue" them and help them revise their falsely negative (and out-of-date) view of themselves.

I have the client show the child pictures of themselves by degrees (or years) getting older and older till, eventually, they see themselves as having grown into the adult the client is today. As Shakespeare had the skeptical Othello demand of Iago the "ocular proof," since seeing is believing, that child part of the adult will in time begin to see that they've been trapped in a memory which, till now, has made their self-disparagement or fear chronic. Giving the child fresh data to help invalidate the negative image they formed about themselves so many years ago will help upgrade their sense of self like nothing else. In fact, the process I've just described is extrapolated from a comprehensive therapeutic approach aptly named "Lifespan Integration."

If, personally, we engage in this kind of disciplined work on ourselves, such an endeavor will help enable us to evolve into the fully integrated adults all of us, consciously or not, aspire to be. And the very essence of our evolution depends on our ability to access, make peace with--and then fully integrate--that insecure, self-doubting child that has constrained us in our lifelong journey toward self-actualization.

As I read through the first half, I felt like you were describing very accurately some of the situations I have subjectively experienced in the past few years. But I haven't really known what to do about them. Even just reading how other people feel this way makes me feel better about myself.

While I do not have a therapist or counsellor myself, I will try the ideas you suggest the next time that I feel like a child. If you have any other links regarding this idea of 'lifespan integration,' please post them so we can have a read.

I think it is great that through these blogs, you bloggers can help many more people out there than just your clients. Thank you again. =)

I think it's almost natural to have this child-like feeling. If Freud is right then our childhood experiences will always resonate with us no matter how old we are and an inability to deal with them then will transcend age and come back to haunt us as the years roll by. I think though that as we get older and take in more responsibility we at times miss the innocence of youth and want to visit more carefree times. It's not something we hope to live in everyday but it does seem a rather appealing concept when times become hard.

I had this feeling of an inner child right up to my twenties. As I recall, three things liberated that child:
1. revisualising the scary situation, through adult eyes and realising that it was no longer scary
2. "standing next to" my child self and doing the things I would have liked to do at the time (eg beating up the bullies)
3. giving the inner child hugs and reassurances that weren't there at the time - this was pretty important, for me, and did the most to dissolve the inner child and reunite my mind.
I think actively talking to the child is crucial, because it is a very real part of us.

Hmm, yes, insightful. Though I wonder if the writer is talking about 'normal' everyday trigger events predominantly?

Would the same assessment of 'inner child misintegration and reappearance under stress' apply to someone who's been the victim of sadistic and/or horrific crime or very traumatic injury?

I'm thinking that just about every human being would display these feelings of overwhelm and a form of traumatised dissociation in those types of extreme and unusual situations.

I worry that this line of thinking - that all human reactions are the responsibility of the subject/victim - is yet another, subtle flavour of 'blame the victim'. When, in reality, horrific accidents ARE horrific and sadistic crimes ARE deeply traumatising no matter how integrated and mature one is. It seems to me that these sorts of 'nothing to do with the perps, all within the victim' arguments could lead to another form of the degenerative moral relativistic exoneration/failure to hold to account of those who caused the trauma.

I genuinely do look forward to the thoughts of the writer and readers on this point.

The way I understood Leon was that the child delusion reveals itself when the REALITY of your competencies to handle a situation and the way you in fact choose to handle the situation do not align.

For example, someone who was the victim of verbal abuse as a child would have been forced to accept such criticisms (let's say out of fear of bodily harm). The unhealed adult will remain overly-sensitive to criticism and may feel physical distress even in the absence of an actual bodily threat. An adult should technically feel nothing at all by someone elses' choice of words and if that adult feels the need to right the situation he/she "should" be able to use unemotional logic to explain to the offender why such actions may not have been appropriate.

Going back to your example, if a sadistic/horrific crime took place, let's say a robbery at gun point... IF the victim would in reality be able to defend himself (let's say he knows karate or something), but if he's an unhealed former abuse victim, he might instead fall back into the victim role and allow himself to be robbed even when he could have defended himself given his skillset.

Same goes with victims of sexual abuse. (And I have NO expertise on any of this, so correct me if I'm wrong). While the "healthy" adult in such a situation would probably attempt to do anything to avoid being raped, the unhealed former victim of childhood rape may fall back into the victim role again and not make attempts at defending oneself.

So, none of this is saying that the perps are any less guilty for any attempts at crimes, it's just saying that unhealed traumas from childhood may hinder an individual from recognizing their true power in adulthood which may keep them replaying certain abuse patterns over and over again.

An exercise in mindfulness about such things is to pay attention to when you feel defenseless or feel the need to defend yourself. If you can start to recognize patterns about such things and can trace it back to times in childhood when you TRUELY weren't able to defend yourself, that's the first step. From there, it's whatever it takes to heal. Without the aid of a therapist it can be hard to get into a lot of imagination work, but I find that forcing myself to cry about things helps tremendously. It's as though you weren't able to cry as a kid let's say being bullied at school and by crying about it now, you're telling yourself that you didn't deserve such treatment. You were forced to deny yourself such self-respect and healing as a child. The beautiful thing is that it doesn't seem to matter to the brain the lapse in time, it's just a matter of rewiring the correct emotional responses to past memories. That's how you teach yourself to love yourself and from there you can love others and treat others well. Blah, blah, blah :)

While I don't think the article is about traumatized dissociation...I feel the Lifespan Integration plays a large part of therapy addressing traumatic dissociation.

And I disagree with your assessment...

I don't think the article at all blames the "subject/victim"(using the "victim" already implies a premise, imo) at all for the events that cause the misintegration (or in more difficult situations where the individual is traumatized).

The author of the article is saying the individual themselves are capable of, and responsible for, doing the work in order to get healthy and overcome the entraining experiences that cause childhood misintergration...

No one but the individual themselves, by doing the self-work necessary can overcome subjective qualities that are still influencing and demanding the focus and attention of the individual psychological states (within this particular example, moments confronted with authority figures).

The article (which is only two pages long), IMO, is not meant to list every circumstance, and the appropriate solutions for each particular situation, but listing one particular situation, and providing a self-empowering solution for one to follow, and declaring the capability to overcome those circumstances.

Thank you YG for your answer. I can certainly see where you're coming from. You explain things really well.

I still have queries about one's responses to crime though. Perhaps I didn't explain myself very well.

I guess my position could be summed as 'you don't need to have been subject to child abuse and be reacting from this child-victim position to be very traumatised as an adult subject to horrific accident or serious crime.

I wonder if you've had any experience of either? (Not that I'd wish either on anyone, you understand.) I have no experience of rape but I do know that all expert and police advice is NOT to fight, that those who fight the rapist often end up with far worse injuries or even murdered. They're not saying 'Roll over and act like a restimulated victim of child abuse'. They're giving sensible advice that could save your life. Indeed, being strategically compliant can be seen as actually a very adult, composed and in control response.

Closer to home, personally I was subject to a street crime which was over and done with before I knew it. (There are no interpretations of abused/victimised childlike trust in my surroundings etc to be made here.) Nonetheless, I was very badly injured and traumatised for many many months. It didn;t rekindle any ancient abuses or hidden memories. It was what it was - shocking. It was compounded by incredibly dreadful police and other authority responses. I now consider my response to be normal and sane, the reasonable response of any healthy adult.

Thus, I guess that my criticism of a blanket analysis of all failure to deal well with events where one is made a victim is that blanket interpretations are superficial and inaccurate. To that extent such blanket assessments may lead others to consider 'victims' as already at fault (too 'damaged' by their previous abuse?) and less deserving of support and redress.

In a cultural climate where criminal justice standards are falling and erring on the side of the perpetrator and where services are struggling to provide a bare minimum of support/intervention, anything that appears to support public services and the general public to avert their eyes from real suffering is not really to be encouraged.

I think I understand you better now, and I'm sorry for what happened to you. Sometimes there is no way to be prepared to prevent against such attacks or the following traumatization that follows. From what you said, I think you're probably correct that your behavior during the attack, and the following trauma you experienced were both "normal" and sane.

Even people who try to prepare for such things aren't always successful. Our military personnel are physically trained to handle the atrocities of war, but I'm not sure how mentally prepared one could ever be. I imagine a large amount of psychological trauma occurs beyond the popular post-traumatic stress disorder stories we're more familiar with.

You're correct that the world is blind and indifferent to many of the injustices, abuses, and sufferings that are the daily life for so many. It's difficult for people to deal with the reality of our existence and to see beyond their own field of vision. Some people live in a world of blindness and bliss so long as nothing pricks their illusionary bubble, and they substitute one material craving and dependency for the next and call that life. Some live in a world of paranoia, fear, mistrust, hate, and violence, each of which beget more of each. Very few live in a world of understanding and compassion.

It takes conscious effort to seek self-knowledge and to try to understand and feel compassion for others. One could look at every one of us as victims, I suppose. Victims of a life that we didn't choose. Not ONE of us chose to be alive. That is where the confusion arises. A person such as yourself tries to lead an honest life, and you get robbed. The easy thing to do is to feel hatred for your attacker. Hatred isn't empowering, though. Understanding is.

That's what you're trying to do now, understand. Understand yourself, why you may have experienced the trauma, learn more about PTSD and see if others react similarly in your situation, try to understand why you were angry that no one seemed to care, try to understand what might breed public service worker's feelings of indifference or apathy, understand how much healing might have been accomplished if they had reacted compassionately to you instead, try to understand the mind of criminals, sociopaths, the fear that turned them into monsters. Come to an understanding that compassion might also help them heal.

When it is revealed to us the extent of fear, violence, and hatred that exists in this world, it can be at first quite consuming.. I'm finding that the only way I can effectively deal with it is to learn more about it and try to heal it through actions of love. (And there is a big difference between ideation and action). A public service worker can do a lot more to serve the public by showing compassion. It may even cut their effort in half, who knows..

Trying to gain understanding and compassion for all other beings is a lot of responsibility to be charged with, but it seems once a person has gained a certain level of understanding, it's hard to go back to the world of blindness or violence. I dream of a day in which our children no longer inherit confusion and suffering and can live freely enjoying the beauty and love that can instead be our existence.

I can see where you are coming from Alan. But the justice system doing its job properly I don't think will heal you as a person. Maybe I'm wrong. Getting revenge on my stepfather, mother and ex would be satisfying but I was still left with all them horrible feelings. One is dead and two are old and lonely. I on the other hand have a fulfilled life. I have beautiful children and a job I love. I have friends. My husband has narcissistic tendencies that I deal with by humour. I can stand up for myself as I am trained well. No prison sentence is going to make me feel better. Best to you. X

Thanks once again. Gosh! You certainly (and very eloquently) summed the picture.

I hadn't drawn a parallel between victims of e.g. crime and accidents and military personnel. But, you're on the button, I feel: these people also suffer as victims of violence and as witnesses to violence despite their training which is pretty advanced.

Indeed, your connection illustrates most pertinently what I'm endeavouring to articulate. Whilst out in theatre, defending, fighting, killing, being killed and maimed, 'our boys (and girls)' are lauded as wonderful heroes. As of course they truly are.

Once they get home, traumatised and battered, they're treated abysmally. (I forget, for example, the statistics with regards to homelessness amongst veterans but I recall that it's scandalously high; and we've heard stories of the gvt's cutbacks concerning their treatment for PTSD). Somehow, vets are treated as abnormal once they get home and struggle with the personal aftermath of all that they've experienced - and those who should help and support do not.

This parallel exactly encapsulates my issue with casting people who have been personally under fire (whether in war or on urban streets) as intrinsically victims who need to sort themselves out because they are somehow deficient.

You write that very few have genuine understanding and compassion, and that so many live in bubbles of illusion: as long as it doesn't touch them then everything's fine.

You also write of the fear and hatred that underpins so much of human life. For some reason I could not summon up hatred for my attacker - as you said, I've just sought to understand why victims are so universally feared and hated! As they certainly are - by all sorts of professionals - and this manifests in all sorts of ways both overt and covert.

In sum, I pity my attacker who is clearly ill (and most likely an authentic victim of Dr. Seltzer's unresolved child abuse). But I have nothing but disgust for the hypocritical authorities and those professionals who then went on to underplay, dismiss, deny, ignore the offending and its effects. (It seems to me that this is somehow worse than the attacker's blind, unthinking behaviour: all the authorities have access to information and research about crime and the effects of crime/violence/accident trauma, there is no excuse for then participating in 'secondary victimisation').

Your last two paragraphs struck me particularly and I share your dream:

"When it is revealed to us the extent of fear, violence, and hatred that exists in this world, it can be at first quite consuming.. I'm finding that the only way I can effectively deal with it is to learn more about it and try to heal it through actions of love. (And there is a big difference between ideation and action). A public service worker can do a lot more to serve the public by showing compassion. It may even cut their effort in half, who knows..

Trying to gain understanding and compassion for all other beings is a lot of responsibility to be charged with, but it seems once a person has gained a certain level of understanding, it's hard to go back to the world of blindness or violence. I dream of a day in which our children no longer inherit confusion and suffering and can live freely enjoying the beauty and love that can instead be our existence."

I hope Dr Seltzer doesn't feel like this is a criticism but I'd like to hear his thoughts on my proposition that it's far easier (and more lucrative) to get a person into therapy as a victim of violence/trauma than it is to encourage a blind, unthinking perpetrator into therapy to work on why they attack others. You see, I'm not so sure it's the victim who needs the most help...but we victims, having had our worlds rocked/devastated etc., are indeed the most vulnerable to all sorts of suggestions that we are the ones at fault.

I am completely in agreement YG, that public service workers could indeed cut their workloads (and their resource expenditure) in half by actually employing a soupcon of compassion and empathy when dealing with those of us who've been through a traumatic experience. I now have much experience of the 'blame the victim' syndrome! Indeed, as a professional writer and researcher, I feel a book or two coming on! Meanwhile, I'm currently holding police and other authorities to account for their 'secondary victimisation' (the police in my case, for example, are now subject to a high level investigation of their 'harassment of the victim of crime' and 'conspiracy to pervert the course of justice' - these simply because they did not exercise the least compassion and chose to cover up their failures and incompetences.)

This secondary victimisation in so many different forms is very common I've been appalled to find. Mostly people accept it 'because it's the system', 'I can't do anything about it' (which, in itself, is a victim/childlike disempowered mentality!).

So, I'd genuinely like to hear more from Dr Seltzer on these other aspects of psychological trauma: the wider, societal context in which a person becomes a victim rather than the focus on the victim as a disconnected being subject only to ancient unresolved disempowerment/abuse.

Thank you once again for your engagement, YG. You've certainly helped me to think further and generously shared your caring, compassionate (and sanely practical and practicable!) aspirations for human society.

It sounds like you had a really horrible experience with the justice system, and I'm really sorry for all the unecessary insult to injury..

You've brought up many very important issues that linger in the moral-political zone in which I tend to focus much of my energy as well. If you don't like the world, change it, right??

Something you wrote concerns me, and it is this:

"You also write of the fear and hatred that underpins so much of human life. For some reason I could not summon up hatred for my attacker - as you said, I've just sought to understand why victims are so universally feared and hated! As they certainly are - by all sorts of professionals - and this manifests in all sorts of ways both overt and covert."

I think it's great you were able to forgive your attacker, but it seems you are now focusing your anger on "the professionals" and go as far as to say that victims are universally feared and hated. I don't know what exactly happened to you nor should you probably discuss it in an open forum if there are legal actions in progress, but it is the broad generalizations that concern me. Of course, if I were a rape victim who was humiliated in court with the perp getting off free (as I believe happens frequently), maybe I would better understand your level of discord..

You say:

"I hope Dr Seltzer doesn't feel like this is a criticism but I'd like to hear his thoughts on my proposition that it's far easier (and more lucrative) to get a person into therapy as a victim of violence/trauma than it is to encourage a blind, unthinking perpetrator into therapy to work on why they attack others. You see, I'm not so sure it's the victim who needs the most help...but we victims, having had our worlds rocked/devastated etc., are indeed the most vulnerable to all sorts of suggestions that we are the ones at fault."

I think it's easier to get a victim into therapy than the vampire, and Leon can correct me, because typically vampires have some level of antisocial tendencies which make them not trust other people. Sometimes NO other people and certainly not therapists. They have so many defense mechanisms put up that the last thing they would ever want is to be vulnerable to someone skilled at mind-reading. I chatted with a schizoid on here once, and he was telling me how "obviously manipulative" therapists are. That's probably a pretty common observation in those types, they don't see people as genuinely wanting to help them, as I feel most psychologists want to do.

So, let's say a person gets attacked and seeks treatment for the resulting trauma. The perp would be SO LUCKY as to get caught and be institutionalized in a real correctional facility that actually tries to help heal them. Does that even exist? I don't know, but our tax dollars would probably pay for it, or shrinks working pro bono. I know nothing about it, really, but one of the other bloggers used to do work in this arena, which I think is awesome.

Now why were the professionals so rotten to you? I don't know. I would pobably have to hear more in order to say, but again it's probably not in your best legal interest to say.. Do service workers become hardened by the work they do? Do they start off being idealistic and wanting to help and then feel that it's endless, and give up the good fight? I don't know. Do they see their work as just a pay check and not really care about people due to their own bad childhoods? Did you just happen to catch a bunch of people on a super crappy day? Do you have pent up rage about your own upbringing and are you taking it out on the professionals??? That might be a valid question! And I am NOT saying that's what I think, but make sure you give it a lot of thought first.

This goes back to what I was saying in my first comment about recognizing situations in which you feel defenseless or on the defense and try to link it up to childhood experiences. So, the attack itself is not the issue, but it's feeling attacked by the professionals that worries me. And I am not "blaming the victim", but I'm trying to make sure you have as much power as you can have before continuing on this arduous battle. From my own civil rights battles that I've engaged in, I've learned that having high levels of self-knowledge is the single most effective way to make change happen, because if you know yourself, you know everyone else, and can speak directly to their hearts which is what makes people change.

Steven Stosny has a great blog about compassion being power, compared to people armed with anger, and he is so correct. No one wants to listen to someone who appears to be angry (even if the anger is warranted). If you show a true level of concern and compassion for the entity who you are trying to change, you gain the respect of people who can help you as well enable the entity to bring down their defenses so that such change is possible. And remember that even if you're trying to change entire political systems, you are speaking to the hearts of individual people, people who have the same fears and dreams you do, (they just might not know it yet).

Alan, it's been a real pleasure chatting with you as well. I'm a regular on here, so you may see me floating around. I wish you a lot of courage for what may lie ahead.

I agree ar. Finding the fun in life by tapping into the inner child might well be great for bonding with kids and making some things more tolerable. I suppose it is simply a case of finding which experiences are to be dealt with and sorted out. Having a sense of fun is a tremendous gift to others and an invitation to come out and play. Then some joy might pop up.

Nothing traumatic to report. Just simple embarrassment. When I spend time with my parents, either one, in the presence of others, I feel embarrassed by what they say, just as I did as a teenager. Their beliefs are so old-fashioned in so many ways, and they have no impulse-control, it seems (though they're not particularly senile). It's been interesting having them move to my block after many years of not living so close. None of us is young, to say the least. But I find myself wanting to apologize for them, perhaps so I won't be seen as embarrassing too. I know it's up to me in this case to remember that we're separate adults and to just relax.

I had awful problems with this Susan. My father was fine but my mother just blurted out negative opinions and criticism in front of me, my friends and their parents when I was young. It was truly horrendous. I figured it was becasue she did not work and was never challenged or maybe she was simply nervous or anxious. I had to keep her away from everyone which resulted in an awful resentful backlash for years. AND then to my horror, I found I had caught this behaviour and it took me a long time to erradicate it. Parents have a great responsibility to model behaviour to their childre. My mother failed totally but I can now see how unhappy she was. I would just put their comments down to beng a product of their time and let it go. Perhaps they cannot accept the change in the world around them and you are one of the few links to it- so you hear their opinions rather than others. Are they insecure I wonder?

While searching the internet for something to put a name to what I consider to be a long-standing issue, I came across this article. I cannot begin to describe the difficulty I had in bringing about an awareness of what it was that plagued me for most of my adult life. Not only did this article speak to me on many levels of my life and why I consistently respond to a situation with those "child-like" feeelings and thoughts, but it finally gave my experience an identity, an identity that I can now make sense of and take those nexts, albeit frightening steps, toward that process called change.

Thank you, Dr. Seltzer, for not only writing this article but for providing a link to the Lifespans Integration website. Now to the point of my post. Do you have any other suggested and/or recommended readings on this subject?

Actually, when I was doing preliminary research for this post, I wasn't able to find anything on the web either. So I wrote it pretty much on the basis of my own intuition and understanding, as well as my extensive clinical experience (though some of what I say is, in a general sense, certainly covered in the psychotherapy literature.

Not sure which self-help books would be most helpful to you at this point. But you might wish to start with something like REINVENTING YOUR LIFE by Jeffrey Young.

Managing distress is primarily based on ones beliefs and imprinting and en-training, about their stress, and one of the focuses of our training was Cognitive Reconditioning.

We used (part of the training was discovering and addressing our own distress and stressors), and were taught various introspective investigative techniques to discover our own Core Beliefs and inner dialogues (and then to replace/counter the negative with opposing positive ones).

I had a massive break through "Epiphany" during this part of my training concerning my childhood and certain core beliefs that I carried beneath the surface, that caused me great distress generally and in specific situations, and I thought I had addressed them.

Then I recently had a reoccurrence, similar to your second example given in the article – I met a childhood idol, and was thrown back to when I was 12 years old, and instead of being able to enjoy the experience, I regressed to when I was that awkward clumsy self conscious 12 year old again, and I felt humiliated, the idol was friendly and joking with me, and I was completely tongue tied and unable to interact as an adult, but I found myself becoming enraged, not at myself but at my parents, that I did not have the self confidence and empowerment to be myself in this situation (needless to say I have issues with my parents, and I do know what those issues are, but both being dead, I have taken a, “they are my issues to get past” approach).

Lifespan Integration, which is more specific addressing, seems very much akin to Core Beliefs and Cognitive Reconditioning, which are much more general in manner?

One of the books we used in our Core-Beliefs training was "Mind Over Mood" by Dennis Greenberger, Ph.D., and Christine A. Padesky, Ph.D.

Could you suggest any other books on Cognitive investigation/introspection and or Lifespan Integration, or in your opinion Peggy Pace's book, "Lifespan Integration: Connecting Ego States through Time," is the best?

Peggy Pace's workbook is really designed for professionals using her model. But you might want to purchase Reinventing Your Life (Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko, which deals a lot with what you're interested in. Additionally, several of my posts list different core beliefs that can lead to dysfunctionality. Consider, among others, one that I did not long ago on anxiety and depression, and another on the susceptibility to being gulled.

Thanks for the suggestion on Young's book. I can at least take some comfort in knowing that I'm moving in the right direction...I'm currently working through Young's book and working with a therapist who received training in schema therapy.

I don't know what you are dealing with but I find that my behaviour and feeeling issues come and go. On reflection many periods in my life were good and unaffected. I had moved countries though and this may have been a benefit. In the end I developed in a way that helped defuse the problems. Let me explain.

I had a verbally and emotionally abusive mother who was a narcissist and dominated me. She is now passing away and I notice that this is releasing me. I feel free from her tyranny and understand the past more-there are some very positive aspects, as my sister points out. My mother left me with a sensitivity to certain behaviours in dominant people, sensitive to criticism, paranoia and negative, depressing memories. I had the "you'll never amount to anything" and "no-one will want you" treatment. That is a quick road to hate and you never say that to a youngster, ever. As a teacher you are then finished with that child.

The dominating aspect meant that I had to find a career and employer that let me perform without interference, authority and criticism. It took a long time but my new country allowed this. I am now totally autonomous in my work, well paid and supported as a gymnasium teacher in science. I have a wonderful working situation. My success builds my self-esteem at work but I changed my approach to people, ramin very postive and supportive of others. I have no paranoia, no conflict, no sharp opinions and patience. In the wrong employment I fail and things go wrong so these 40 hours a week are important to control.

In my private life I chose bad partners. The last two really caused inner-child responses. The one before these two had a very positive effect (8 years). I have had a break to remove the effects of late. A kind and happy partner is needed with a positive outlook. No anger, bitterness or resentment! I choose good, intelligent, supportive friends. Some of them a older and wiser. Their experience helps me and I take advice.

I also notice that the negative emotional reflections are dependent upon the weather in winter so I train more in the gym, eat more fruit and soon I will travel to sunny climates at christmas. Negative thoughts come at odd times but I have to avoid consuming alcohol to excess and watch my sleep. I also have problems with some spaces. I need to be in a pleasant home environment and avoid run-down urban areas as certain perspectives create a negative feeling.

In a sense I have reconstructed my life and become a better person, especially as a teacher. I do not want to look back and feel I have wasted time on this so I need to understand it. In a sense I have caused myself real problems before I solved them but I see that many people are unhappy, have their issues and difficulties. I am quite lucky really and not unusual. Sometimes I get sad about my choices and experiences but I have had a rich and varied life so far and I know that any wish to change anything is pointless as the whole experience is woven together.

I am finding the perspectives of Buddhism to be useful and reading on these issues reframes my experiences. Despite the negative feelings at times, the reality of my life is a good one with many positive aspects, good people and valuable experiences. Sometimes I feel very happy and positive so in the negative interludes I know that it is a phase and sit it out. Just a question of perspective really, a bit of pain but I am getting better at it.

Thanks for sharing your story so openly. From what I read, you have made some conscious choices on how you believe you should create and live your life. I may be looking at this from a naive perspective, but I want to move in a direction in which I'm open to all experiences and face each challenge as it presents itself.

To answer your question, what I'm dealing with is the effects of childhood abuse and alcoholism probably for the first time in my life. I'm 43. I've spent the past 20 years finding creative ways to avoid experiencing and feeling negative emotions...prescription drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, sex, and relationships. Over the past year, I made a conscious decision to do a lot of self-exploration and experience real emotional growth. I realize that my past is just that...my past, but I want to come to terms with it and move forward in life.

Reading this article has changed my life around. Throughout my child hood I'm brought up with a wonderful family who I will always love and forever. There have been times throughout my childhood that have been happy, funny and exciting, but parts of my childhood have been plagued by bullying, always have doubts on my mind, getting heavy criticism, not being myself and not getting used to arguments.

All of the negative symptoms came when I was in secondary school in south east London, the school was not a very welcoming place, the majority of the students didn't really like me, basically they would just judge me and they all thought I was weird. Then the name calling started and that was in the same crowd I was in, I couldn't really be open minded with anything I would say because just because it came out of my mouth they were all like ha ha ha did you hear what he just said what a F####g w#####r. I suffered so much verbal abuse it was horrendous and I hated it. I then went alone just to be in the library all by my self at lunch time.
But for some reason it didn't end there I started to develop stress and frighted of everything, it was as though every school kid at the time was against me for NO REASON. Where I used to live I walked home from school and these group of kids were shouting things at me they even through a rock at me and one of idiots deciding to kick me at the back side. Back then I was so weak, tired and I began to stop eating at lunch breaks at school.

Later on in life I enjoyed sixth form at the same school but then I left college the next year because it just wasn't for me. But to be honest what I took from school to home was anger, stress, anxiety, sadness, you name it the lot. There used to be times were while I was unemployed I would see these kids hanging around at street corners and my whole body was full of anxiety because I would think they were after to get me of something stupid like that.

Now is a brand new beginning I got a job with good money and reading this article has helped me a lot. This is what I say to the people who treated like was nothing. SUCCESS IS THE GREATEST REVENGE!!!!

I was wondering what kind of therapist would you recommend to address the issues in this post of feeling and reacting like a child. The description of the woman who felt like a child and as though she was somehow wrong when judged is very similar to the way I have felt. The description of the dysfunctional behavior of her family also matches my own. Is there a name for the type of therapy where the child is reintegrated into the adult self? How do I choose the right therapist (which kind of right therapist) to address these issues of reintegrating my child self and working on building self-esteem when I was given messages as a child that I was not good enough (building an appropriate image of myself and addressing the doubts and unrealistic self-esteem that was formed in response to the criticisms of caretakers when I was a child)? Thanks for the suggestions.

The first thing would be to avoid choosing a therapist who centered their attention solely on the here-and-now. Beyond that, any competence therapist who is comfortable and capable of delving into your past with you should be sufficient. I'm partial to EMDR therapists and therapists doing Lifespan Integration work (both types of therapy have websites where you can locate therapists certified in their approach). But that doesn't mean other therapists might not also be proficient in employing methods that would help you to effectively integrate your child parts with your adult self.

Finally, choose someone who has been practicing for at least a half-dozen years or so (and, generally, the more the better). There's just no substitute for professional experience, regardless of how warm or intellectually gifted the therapist may be. Good luck!

Good advice. Avoid therapists that focus on the here and now. I used to be all for the cbt/mindfulness based therapies. Now, I'm stuck with seeing a therapist who has now told me that she may not be able to continue seeing me unless I go to a regular DBT group. But she doesn't know for sure until she discusses this with her DBT team. So, I need to go see her tomorrow and I'm unable to talk about anything significant, and I wouldn't, even if I could because what's the point in leaving yourself vulnerable to a therapist who has so little value for you and your experiences as a whole. It is devastating to open up about a traumatic event only to be interrupted by your therapist asking you to sit in a different way, with your feet on the ground, to change the subject and ask what time I got out of bed today. It is devastating, at best. It is one thing to feel alone in your trauma and grief but it is a whole different world to repeatedly be smacked down by a professional and leave sessions wanting to cry but feeling too ashamed to do so. To get home and have to pretend everything is ok. To have to hide a big part if who you might be for a period of time. From everyone in your life. To have to suffer in silence. Any PTSD I may have had feels less significant every day compared to the trauma I think is happening now from my actual therapy. I'm sorry for saying so much. Just thank you for making the point that you did.

It occurred to me that I might be attacked for being too specific.
DBT is an extremely helpful and maybe even life-saving therapy for some individuals. I don't want to negate anyone's positive experience and/or beneficial results with DBT, nor do I want to inflame any practitioners of DBT. My point is that, I, too, desire validation of my experiences, both past and present and MY experience with DBT has been in direct opposition to that desire. This is my own opinion and my own, very real, experience with this form if therapy. Unfortunately, I'm unable to choose from the many different forms of therapy that are available, due to the fact that DBT and other CBT therapies have some proven efficacy with certain populations and tends to be more brief than other therapies. This has influenced what health insurance will or will not cover (depending on the type of health insurance one has) even if you aren't among the population that DBT is mostly geared towards.

i really liked this article, i still feel like a little kid despite the fact i am 20. i guess its ok to be a "kid at heart" in a way, but yet i feel quite insecure about a lot of things. this article cleared up a possibility of why i feel this way. i don't feel like an adult at all, i didn't feel like a teen when i was a teen. i don't consider being 20 a true adult, but i should at least feel less insecure, and more confident than i do, i look at people my age and see them as much older than me. i can relate to almost all of this article, and this is something i struggle with.

someone named "My_Experience" here said something about talking to your inner child, i am thinking maybe that will help a bit? i just wish i could feel more like an adult and less like a kid in an adults body, yet without sacrificing all of my childlike traits, i just wish i could feel more capable and confident.

The "I Feel Like a Child" Syndrome does not always spring from abuse, Isn’t it true that the same syndrome can be the result of being over loved. The opposite of; not good enough, not smart enough, not fitting in, too weak, not acceptable, & not loveable can also result in behavioral issues. The origin doesn’t garner much sympathy of course, but creates havoc in any relationship all the same, work or social.

thank you so much. I know it's been troubling me all my life, these terrible feelings of inadequacy and feeling like a child all my life when God has given me everything to succeed in this world. I know I'm not guilty or have a reason to be afraid it's just my family..thank you

I know this article is 5 years old now, but I just wanted to say- very insightful. I'm glad this was written.

I'm kind of embarrassed to say I'm almost 32 years old and just recognized this behavior in myself a few days ago. My husband and friends have always told me I was a pessimist and it made no sense whatsoever to me because I am not a pessimist. I'm a majorly hopeful, idealistic optimist. That really is true on the whole, but it turns out I don't reflect it in my interpersonal dealings. The husband mentioned this yet again during a counseling session recently and we talked about recognizing my negative thoughts and creating an inner dialogue to change them around. I've been very conscious of my thoughts since then and after a couple of days of really listening I realized that I constantly revert to somewhere around my 11 year old self.

Everything will be completely normal and peaceful and I will think somebody is in a bad mood or I'll hear somebody laugh or I'll get an offhanded criticism or even praise for something and I'm in 7th grade again thinking that I'm fundamentally flawed and that everybody hates me and only pretends to like me or anything I do and that none of that will ever change. I know that my insecurities and misquided thinking come from my family. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional environment, but I really believed I'd left most of it behind me.

So that's why I went searching and found this article. It's definitely nice to hear an explanation for this and a way to hopefully fix it.

I can relate to this 100%, i'm pretty convinced that my social development was stunted around age 10 (i'm now 25) and I still have horrendous difficulties in communicating with people on an appropriate social level.

My group of friends tends to average at around 18 years old and all of them are more mature than me; they're all in college, heading to Uni, thinking about their futures, in relationships...Incidentally so am I but that's mostly because I was nagged into it (I suppose i'm pretty, people seem to like that even if I don't speak much). My boyfriend adores me (or at least he says he does) but sex leaves me panicked and feeling dirty and bad...I never really bothered with relationships in the past, I was too hung up on my dad (my hero) leaving and replacing me with his new family. I used to picture myself sitting with him on the sofa just watching TV or cuddling me and stroking my hair to go to sleep, even playing with lego - that was love for me - what I aspired to get back for such a long time. It's not that I don't love (or at least feel content) with my boyfriend, he's nice and we have things in common, we rarely argue but i'm scared I can't satisfy him sexually, it just feels weird, i'll be feeling so nice and safe and happy that he's holding me (I suppose like the way my dad used to) and then suddenly he wants sex and I snap out of the stupid little comfort zone my child brain's made its way back to and I panic. I feel like I can't even talk to him about it cuz he'll think i'm a freak, I know he will, i'm immature not an idiot.

I just find it so hard to exist with everyones expectations that i'm an adult and that they can interact with me like I am one. I do try and usually succeed but it leaves me so exhausted all the time. I just wish I could rewind time and force myself to make friends earlier and develop normally like everyone else my age did. They even used to comment at work that I was child-like; I get all shy around authority, I used to approach my boss looking at the floor and playing with my fingernails. I find it generally hard to open up and be myself around anyone, I just switch into polite mode and try to smile in the right places.

Thank you for an interesting and informative article. I hope more people will feel normal in a situation that usually causes them to feel not so normal.

*Could you please comment on the more unusual situation where someone may have grown older without actually growing into an adult (in the usual sense)
A - because they have been controlled by an abusive parent or abusive family all their life.(Kept isolated, not finish education, not allowed to make new friends, or ever get a job, etc,& too afraid or controlled to leave) OR
B - a situation where the person had a physical illness that kept them in a dependent situation (whether they liked it or not).

How could a person handle those frustrations and challenges that obviously stir up the feelings you are talking about, but have a different cause, and may not be fixed as easily?
Thank You.

Unquestionably, a person's environment has a lot to do with whether they'll be "allowed" to grow up. In such situations, the individual either needs to change the environment and be able to adapt to a different set of influences, or in some way free themselves from what's "molded" them up to this point. Plus, in many of these situations, the person will require therapy to re-write old programs compatible only with their remaining in a child-like, dependent state, with no voice of their own. And even if they have a disability that demands their continuing dependence, there are still ways that they can learn to talk and behave more like a grown-up.

Now I realised how just happened to me. I've always been extremely shy, polite and kind to everyone. However everybody hated me in school and kindergarden (still somehow I had 1-1 friends while now thanks to the self-sabotating behavior, I have none in the middle school - but they don't hate me). I was always bullied. I have now one true friend but when he started to be friend with me in grade 8th I was full of doubt and I was extremely shy and wanted to be alone and stuff.
Now that I started to read these articles I started to talk with the inner child of me and at the sentence where you write about me "rescuing him", I started to cry. What does it mean, is it normal? I think it's succes as I feel a little bit better.
Now I see what just happened. I was always shy but we had a "drama exam" 1 year ago. Lol it was not a real exam but just something that sounded cool so we could get a literature mark. I hate to be on stage but secretely wanted to participate - I could have been the person who pulled the curtains - but I was in the drama exam. My teacher said I was one of the best actors. I could make it twice although I'm (or was?) shy. I always had the inner sound to not do it because I can't make it. Same with soccer: I was good at it but now I can't play normally because I always have the feeling "it won't work". And naturally I tried to override this feeling but I could never make it. I think these articles helped a lot and now I'm rescuing myself from the outdated fear of social things. Although I have still doubts, they will fade away shortly.
Funny thing I was sent to psychologist twice but they couldn't see my problem with inner child fears. They just said I'm shy. They helped me to be more assertive but it's barely enough now I see it.
I hope the best for the others who have this problem, you can make it!
Sorry for my English, I typed really fast and my native language is not English.

I can really relate to this article because I often feel like I am just a child inside. Although I am a grown man of 40 years old, I have this terrible feeling of being nothing more than a scared little child in this cold and cruel world. I feel so lost and alone and feel like I need someone to take care of me. Most people who know me tend to come to me for advice saying how strong and intelligent I am. Little do they know how I really feel inside. I feel so aimless and feel like I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.

I do know where a lot of these feelings come from. My parents were both drug addicts. My father committed suicide when I was 11 and then my mother turned deeply into drugs until finally she overdosed a few years later. A lot of other traumatic things happened too that took me years to recognize how deeply it affected me.

Nothing I do can make these feelings of childlike helplessness go away. I don't let anyone get close enough to me to know the real me. I don't even know who the real me is. I'm completely and totally lost and alone.

You descriptions are most poignant. I really do think that if you're able to find yourself a first-rate therapist (and one who has a specialty dealing with trauma resolution) you might get beyond the problems you so well characterize. As an EMDR therapist myself, I'd suggest you locate a few such therapists to speak to(you'll quickly find them through EMDRIA.org (or com) (EMDR's Directory of Therapists). Speak to a few in your vicinity about your problems and, based on the one who seems most "tuned in" to what you've gone through, work with that therapist and make a commitment to work through all these family-rooted issues and get more clear about who you are and what will make you happy.

Since I write about subjects that relate to your problem, you also might want to read more of my posts. (See http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self .) And this Wed (Aug 27th) I'll be publishing a post called "Do You Need to be Liberated from Your Past?". I strongly suggest you take a look at it when it comes out.

I am 68 and in the last few months, I have recognised that I have lived a major part of my life in Child mode. The upside is that I get on particularly well with younger people and it has kept me much younger than my age, in looks and behaviour. Nevertheless, it has led to problems too. I am very defensive in the face of criticism, I sometimes make flippant remarks, I need approval or recognition, I have low self-esteem and feel unloved and unlovable, among other things.

I realised soon after becoming a mother myself, that there is no such thing as the perfect parent. All parents carry with them the baggage they have inherited from their own parents, some of which they unwittingly lay on their own children. Most parents never realise this. Perhaps greater psychological awareness will help parents to avoid this damage to their children in the future.

I was emotionally neglected from the age of 3. When I recognised this, as a mother myself, I was angry. Later, I was able to see how events in my mother’s life and the very early death of my father had led to this.

In my 20s, I bought the book I’m OK – You’re OK, but did not understand it – I didn’t even know what psychology was at that time! Now, I am reading it properly and it is very enlightening.

This book explains Transactional Analysis in an easily accessible manner. Through TA, we can understand that our Child’s memories are all founded on feelings alone, that the Parent part of us is based on the memories of our own parents’ words and actions, (together with memories of other adults in authority), and that our Adult self is the computer which rationalises these memories, with our personal experiences. This is why we can change.

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