ANNOUNCER: Mutual of Walla Walla, the people who cancel, bring you another edition of their Mild Kingdom. And here’s your host, Marvin Jerkins.

(Theme music under)

MARVIN (Painfully slow): Hello. My name is...Marvin Jerkins. Welcome to Mutual of Walla Walla’s Mild Kingdom… I’ll be your host for this episode of Mutual of Walla Walla’s Mild Kingdom…. My name is Marvin Jerkins… Today on Mutual of Walla Walla’s Mild Kingdom, we’re going to go after the rascally and elusive neighborhood bully, few of which have been sighted, and none of which have ever been captured before. The more we can know about their migratory, range and bullying habits, then the more we can learn about ourselves. To help me out is my Australian friend Jim.

JIM (Australian accent): Goo’ daye! After we make contact with the bullies, we’ll hit them with these little beauties ‘ere. A super sharp tranquilizer dart fired from this over-and-under air rifle from a range of five thousand meters, accounting for crosswind and earth rotation.

MARVIN: (Sound F/X: Jeep) Bullies can range from idyllic parks, playgrounds, or any neighborhood sidewalk, and are masters of camouflage, looking like ordinary children, so they are very difficult to find, and even more difficult to track. While on the outside these are savage, violent creatures, capable of inflicting emotional and physical pain upon their victims, deep down they are dealing with some inner struggle that can only be manifested externally when they go in search of prey. Sometimes bullies can travel in multiple numbers if they are particularly insecure, but most operate alone.

JIM: We got word that a group of bullies, or “group”, as a group of them are called, had ranged into a neighborhood habitation block area, and that they were in danger of roving about unchecked, which could only have tragic results.

MARVIN: --And there’s our bullies now!

JIM: Three of ‘em, wow! They’ve cornered a hapless victim and they are threatening violence unless lunch money is handed over. I’ll get out of the jeep and set up with the dart rifle, while Marvin circles around to the backside to cut off their escape.

MARVIN: The bully is hit! It bucked a bit from the initial sting of the dart, but the anesthesia on the dart will soon numb the pain.

JIM: The remaining bullies have taken up flight and are now a fair distance away. Watchful of their companion, but ready to run if necessary. They’re not a supportive bunch, even in groups. Competition in bully groups for “Alpha Bully” status is fierce, spurring each on to prove themselves however they can.

MARVIN: The bully is starting to get dizzy!

JIM: Once the bully is on the ground, we can measure and log it, and then put the special tracking collar on it so we can track its range and bullying habits.

MARVIN: (SFX: Loud thump!) The bully is on the ground.

JIM: He’s a big one.

MARVIN: He’s bigger than most bullies we’ve seen!

JIM: These large, garishly colored irremovable collars serve a duel purpose. Not only do they track the bully with a radio signal and a satellite locating system, but they also look extremely silly so the bully will have difficulty poking fun at others or even look threatening while appearing so ridiculous. Soon he will understand what it is like to be the object of harassment and hopefully change his ways.

MARVIN: By distributing collars to bullies, we are protecting ourselves and providing early warning from approaching menace of dangerous bullies. People like me need to protect myself. You should protect yourself to…with…Mutual of Walla Walla’s Gold Mine Plan.

ANNOUNCER: Mutual of Walla Walla, the people who cancel, present to you our Gold Mine plan which, no matter how much money you put in, you never get any back! Yes, sign up for our Mutual of Walla Walla’s Gold Mine Plan and “Get a Piece of the Shaft”