The NFL Draft Day Drinking Game

NFL players are systematically chosen by “owners” after they’ve been processed in a “combine” then they’re dressed up and fussed over by a bunch of rich white guys who sell them into lives of indentured servitude and abandon them when their physical skills begin to erode.

It’s sobering.

So much that I have to get fucking hammered when I tune in to the initiation ceremony.

Every time the phrase ‘questionable work ethic’ is uttered by Mel Kiper Jr. (who works one day a year).

A draftee’s mother and his baby mamma look like they attended high school at the same time.

Jameis L. Winston gets his first (alleged) rape wearing a Buccaneers uniform out of the way in the auditorium bathroom before being interviewed by Berman and the panel.

Roger Goodell steps to the podium with the same ruthless gait as a Cold Stone manager barking at employee to keep the marble countertop clear of sprinkles.

Kiper Jr. announces a ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ pick in the first round (finish your drink once he does it more than three times).

Chris Berman compares a defensive end draftee to Ed ‘Too Tall’ Jones or another player from the ‘70s that is lost on all the viewing audience not supplementing with oxygen.

Trent Dilfer says ‘I have my doubts’ but then follows that sentiment with no specific evidence as to why.

Ditto Jon Gruden with ‘character issues’ and ‘game-changer’.

Gruden touts pick’s intangibles then goes on to explain what exactly they are.

Chris Mortensen claims he had the most recent player selected going ‘at least a round later’ in his mock draft but then produces no paperwork to support this, instead he stamps his pen against the desk a bunch.

Jets fans summarily remove hardhats and shuffle out of the Auditorium Theater once pick is made—complaining the whole time about the pizza.

Berman gives Midwesterners all kinds of creativity props for naming this year’s NFL draft site the ‘Auditorium Theater’. Was ‘Place to sit and watch stuff on stage from seats in front of the stage’ taken?

Kiper Jr. says Randy Gregory’s stock isn’t plummeting because he’s used marijuana but because he couldn’t keep himself from getting caught using marijuana.

Trey Wingo has an existential moment where he realizes none of this matters, his career choice bloating the already over-bloated egos of 22-year-olds was a bad one, we all die alone and there is no god…happens on day 3 sometime in the middle of the sixth round.

Ray Lewis comes in and stabs all the draft day panel in the neck with a broken Champagne bottle and claims nobody can assign blame to him because double jeopardy.

Ray Lewis then tells everyone in Baltimore to stop looting…till he gets there.