PSA For People Who Don’t Watch Wrestling: Do Not Use The Chris Benoit Groupon

If you don’t watch professional wrestling, there isn’t a lot wrestling fans can teach you.

It’s a short list — what different styles of crotch-chops mean, the names of wrestlers you don’t recognize (but only the popular ones), whether or not Sin Cara had a comic book based on his life in Mexico (spoiler: he did) — but as a wrestling fan and the editor-in-chief of a popular, mostly-non-wrestling comedy sports blog, I feel it is my duty to say stay the hell away from this Groupon.

$37 for a 60-minute sports massage from NuBodi Massage sounds great until you realize it’s being administered by Chris Benoit. Fans of WWE remember Benoit as the man who won the World Heavyweight Championship from Triple H and Shawn Michaels in a Triple Threat match at WrestleMania XX. Fans of Nancy Grace may remember him as the guy who choked his wife to death, choked his 7-year old son to death, helpfully put his dogs in the pool house and hung himself in his home gym. Okay, WWE fans remember him like that, too.

And sure, this probably isn’t the same Chris Benoit, but if years of watching wrestling (and reading Deadspin) have taught me anything, it’s that everything that happens in WWE should be followed by, “was that a work,” wrestling jargon for “was that real, or part of the show?” Which means ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, which means that maybe Chris Benoit faked his own death, put on a dreadlocks wig and got a job giving therapeutic massage up in Massachusetts. Do not use the Chris Benoit Groupon.

Just be safe, that’s all I’m asking. Wait for the next Groupon deal to come along. Hey, look! Only $80 for Invader #1 Shower Installation! That sounds like a great idea!