Saturday, April 30, 2011

You are the one of the most amazing, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful, down to earth, caring, open-minded, kickass people i know.

You welcomed me into your life, without any hesitation. you accepted me for who i was, and loved me like family without judging my life or me.

Savanah was one of the most popular girls in my high school, but! the difference between her and the rest of the entire student body - was the fact that she didn't have anything "handed" to her. she worked her ass off through high school, and got into NYU.

She just graduated a couple of days ago,from the Nursing program. that in itself is such a huge accomplishment. i'm beyond proud of her and i'm so honored to be able to call her my family, my sister, my friend.

I don't get to see her often, because of her rigorous school schedule and our constant moving,but when we do get those times together, holidays, random weekends, it's like we were never apart. i love that she's the only person that clicks with me like that, we just fall in place.

I hope she knows how much i love her, even through all of the distance, i still consider her one of the closest people i have in my life.

I'm so proud of you Savanah, you are such an amazing person and I love you!

Friday, April 29, 2011

it's been one week since i dropped ben off at training and i'll be honest - it's been a pretty hard one.the day after he left, everything that could've gone wrong ; did. i don't know if it was just my overall anxiety that caused everything to spiral down, but i definitely felt suffocated.on sunday, while scarlett was taking a bath, i decided to go look on our bookshelf to see if there was anything that could get my mind off of what was happening. i noticed this book i bought when ben went away for basic, it's a total ~military wife~ book but i remember reading it and getting a lot of good advice from it.

the first four sections of the first chapter goes as follows:-stage one: the mind games (prior to separation/deployment)

-stage two: depression (0-2 weeks)

-stage three: the resentment

-stage four: getting into the routine as well as taking care of yourself.

the moment i read the first section, i felt like i was on the truman show and someone wrote a book about my life. it was so creepily relevant. but the best part of all of it was, i felt this huge relief. i wasn't alone. i'm not the only person that has this constant anxiety for the first week while they're gone. i'm not totally irrational for not getting any sleep and feeling ridiculously restless/emotional.ben has been gone before and i always felt like i had things under control, but the main difference between this and every other time is the fact that i'm living on my own. i don't have friends and family to take my mind off of the separation. i never really process what i'm feeling, i just keep insanely busy but here - it's a beach town. there's nothing really to do except relax on the beach = loads of thinkin' time.i'm thankful that i'm definitely feeling a lot better today than i was yesterday, and i was feeling a lot better yesterday than the day before. i'm progressing and that's all i can really ask for. i'm actually getting some sleep and put a real smile on today.i decided that sulking around inside wasn't the best idea to get over the loneliness, so i decided to check out the local mall. it's basically deserted but they have a bubble tea place so i'm all set. :)i've never been one to let scarlett play in those "mall playgrounds" actually i totally forbid it but... i could've cared less today. we had the place all to ourselves and i used a whole bottle of hand sanitizer, but most importantly - it was the happiest i've seen her in days. she's been having a really hard time with ben gone and it's something i never know really how to handle, they talk every night but her screaming for him in the middle of the night, is something i just don't know how to fix. i'm hoping she'll start to adjust as fast as i am.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

I started writing Thank You's to each and every one of you who commented on my last post, but I just felt like I was repeating myself 18 times.When I clicked "post" my anxiety set in with full force, I actually didn't check my blog until yesterday, on our way to Alabama to drop Ben off at his first phase of EOD training. I almost made him just do it, but of course he was like "suck it up, c'mon!" so I did and immediately started crying.Having you guys, who's opinions I cherish, make me feel like everything I'm feeling, is okay; that you still love me no matter what, that you, yourself, have even felt like I have at some point; it made me feel like a whole new person. I felt..relieved, this HUMONGOUS weight lifted off my chest. I could breathe! I love you all so much and for the past 24 hours, I've re-read all of your comments over 100 times. I needed that reassurance more than anything in the world, and for my first open and honest post on here, you guys gave me that ten fold.----------------------------------------------------------------------Ben is gone. We left at 6AM yesterday morning and drove 6 hours to Redstone Arsenal, Alabama. We ended up getting lost for about 3 hours, trying to find his Unit and then it took a while getting him into his Barracks, So I didn't end up leaving til around 5PM.I'm not a huge fan of driving in general, Ben actually doesn't LET me drive, but he knew there was no way to get to AL by himself, so he just bit his lip and prayed.Anyways, driving at night is what gets me. I just hate not being able to see all of my surroundings. I started typing in my address and waited for the GPS on my Droid to load. It was taking a lot longer than usual, so I tried again, and again and AGAIN, with no results.I was pretty upset, I was already in tears from leaving Ben and not knowing where I was or how to get home and having Scarlett restless in the backseat - it was just one thing after another.Once I composed myself, I just decided to mapquest from where I was to our home and had to read the directions like the good ole' days ;)Thankfully, Scarlett was absolutely amazing. She told me stories and asked me to sing songs with her, and the 6 hours flew by. We pulled into our turquoise house around 11:30, and p a s s e d out!I have a lot to update on, I'm almost done uploading all of the photo's from the last couple days with Ben, but until then...I leave you this video from Wednesday at the beach.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

As much as I love reading and exploring new blogs. The same thoughts continue to pop into my head and end up turning into a headache."Why can't I be more grounded? More mature? Why can't I be like her? She's obviously got things so 'together'..Why can't I have things 'together'? Why can't I be calm? Ugh..I'm so anxious all the time, and my temper..Why can't I be more level-headed..."The list goes on and on.I love learning about new people, it's probably one of my most favorite things to do. Being inspired by someone else's hardships and triumphs is truly an amazing thing.BUT! There's a difference between knowing this inspiring person in real life and "knowing" them on the Internet.You're getting MAYBE 50% of who they really are.For example, I'm a big believer on not posting negative things, but at the same time, you basically have no idea who I am.Sure, you see my day-to-day, what I like, blah blah blah but you never really know what I'm truly feeling, going through, REAL personal things like that.Mostly I think I'm just afraid. Growing up I was always different, always that one girl left out, or didn't really belong with anyone, but when I started this blogging, I noticed that if I only put the positive things in my life, I was quickly liked! loved even! People love reading about my happy life, simplistic things, and it definitely gave me some much-needed confidence.But it gets tiring. I'm restless, I feel like I'm this whole different person, guarded. I can't really write about anything that has to do with ANYTHING about me, or my life.I would love to change that, I'm constantly telling myself I'm GOING to change that but at the same time, where do you start? Where do you decide that you're going to be your true and honest self?Then, I got an email recently from an old friend, who told me how envious she was of my life..how it seemed like a "fairy tale" I was so taken back by it. I asked Ben "How in the hell does MY life look like a fairy tale?!...We're on the edge of poverty, I'm wearing the same clothes I've had since High School, and well let's face it-- We've been through some pretty shitty ups and downs" and he looked me at me and laughed "Oh please Megan, look at your blog from an outside perspective. It's like you're livin' the fuckin dream." He basically gave me a verbal slap in the face and I didn't say anything for a very long time.I spent most of that night just thinking about everything that's gone this past year, all the hard times, troubles, fights, me trying not to pull my hair out, the countless wine bottles, things you don't want people to know right?I am not perfect. I'm not perfect Mother, I raise my voice and have meltdowns way more than I'd like to admit. Ben isn't perfect, none of us are perfect. I don't want to make my life seem like it's perfect anymore, I honestly wasn't trying to put on this facade, I just didn't like putting out the negative but I think there's a difference between the truth and something negative.I know it'll take some time transitioning from writing straight from the heart, instead of having to edit out anything that could possibly explain who I am or how I feel, but I'm desperately going to try.

I think it's pretty rude when Ben takes pictures of me while I'm trying to get my ~beauty rest~ We had lunch at this awesome little shack-of-a-restaurant in Okaloosa Island called "FudPuckers" It looked like we just missed an "MTV Spring Break" episode. Tons of names carved/written everywhere and enough alcohol stocked to handle the cast of Jersey Shore. They ~even~ had an Alligator Habitat [see picture above] and we got to get a close look of the creature! Scarlett loved watching him sleep and wiggle around everywhere, but the moment he turned his head toward her, she almost burst my eardrum into pieces! The food was delicious! I don't know if I'd get the same thing again, but I definitely would like to go back! Ben got:fish something-something(They actually gave him the wrong order and I didn't get a chance to ask what he originally wanted) I got:"Crab Balls" with their homemade "Sensual" sause (Don't ask me why they call it that, I don't even WANT to know) Scarlett got: Mac 'n Cheese with fries. (We're not really happy with ourselves on this one, but thankfully she didn't even touch her mac 'n cheese and ate a couple fries.) She ended up coming home and snacking on some Almond butter & Organic raisins. We ended up taking a walk downtown and checking out all of the local shops. I only managed to snap one photo while we were down there and wonder why ;) I don't know why they weren't open, but I'm hoping that changes soon! This is walking distance from our house and hopefully, our soon-to-be new hangout! After our walk downtown, we headed over to the beach to spend the rest of the afternoon. (I absolutely love this picture! When we headed down to find a spot, we saw that someone before us had made a 'beach chair' out of sand! how cool is that!) Obviously you can tell who took advantage of that...Ben ended up making one for each of us! Last but not least, do you see that SHARK in the water?! ...or is it a Dolphin?...we'll never know ;)

Monday, April 18, 2011

We didn't too much yesterday - It was Sunday after all. We started the morning off with going to the beach, but it was super windy so we headed back home to finish some projects we've been working on. Ben is reupholstering our outside table chairs and I've been continuing to organize our new place. I never realized how much effort it takes to still make a house a home! Even though we absolutely a d o r e this place, there's so many little things that need to be put in place before it's cozy. :) Ever since we got here, I've been dying for a margarita! (not to say I'm a huge fan of alcohol)but you know when you get on vacation, getting a Margarita for lunch isn't grounds for judgement? It's like that. ;) but! I need to remember this isn't a vacation, it's life! :D (Ben even made a "virgin" marg for Scarlett. She LOVED it!) I had to document Scarlett eating because it's still a rarity. We made quinoa noodles, mixed veggies(loaded with butter) & a side of carrots 'n grapes. Okay..Before you start to judge that picture of food, just take a step back and listen to these ingredients. Ben made up a "healthy" version of Chicken Carbarana, using: *For the roux:coconut flour, organic heavy whipping cream, butter!!, nitrate free bacon, and salt. Then he just grilled up some chicken using our normal spices,and cooked Quinoa noodles. IT WAS SO GOOD. I don't even think I can explain in words how perfect of a Comfort meal this was! The coconut flour brought this amazing rich flavor that I totally didn't expect! It was great! We ended up lighting our tiki torches and celebrating the night with fruit popsicles.