July 17, 2011

So trust me when I tell you it annoys me to no end when I go out with a guy and he goes. “Well…let’s be friends….kick it…chill.”

Or I’m looking at the on-line profiles; some dude hits me up wayyyyy across on country and goes

“Maybe we can be friends…I know I’m far away”

Or I started to date a guy.I already started to fall for him…and he busts out with the

“I want to just be friends. We can still be cool”

Or you are out in the street minding your own damn business and some bugaboo annoys you and hits you with the “So you cant have no friends??”

Hell fucking naw I cant have no friends.

I don’t want to have any friends. I have enough friends. My friend quota is fulfilled. PERIOD. with these same, sorry muthafuckers. Matter of fact, I'm purging those friends as we speak. I’m sick of having friends.

If you don’t want to date, get the hell on.If you aren’t trying to show me off as some arm candy, bounce. If you are not ready for me to dust off my cute shoes and pop the tags off of my dresses, then see ya! I’m over being friends.

Yeah yeah.. The basis of any relationship is a friendship. But guess what….I never heard of a FWB getting her status upgraded. Or a jump going to main breezy. OR anything other than some side-hoe status. It only happens in the movies that the main, hot smoking guy finally realizes that the quirky,” best friend” is his ideal girlfriend and falls madly for her.

Such a bunch of lies they tell chicks on Lifetime and in Harlequin romances….

A friend of mine once told me that her and her husband were never friends. Not to say that they aren’t friendly to one another. But…they have men and woman in their respective lives that fulfill that role. Their role to each other is of spouse, supporter, and lover. Not BFFs. They have BFFs …

And I truly do not need another opposite-sex BFF. Personally..I find the whole “platonic friend” thing too weird. Particularly if I am attracted to that person. There is no way I could suffer in agony, pining away for a guy and hoping one day he will wake up and see how awesome I am. He may never do that. And in reality, he won’t do that.

I want to be “friendly” with my future mate: nice, kind, caring.But I am not trying to be his BFF. And I am most certainly not trying to be caught up in the trap and ruse of “friendship” when that person has no intentions of truly being a friend or acting like a friend. For me, once I hear those words “Let’s be friends” or “Can’t you make a new friend?” it is easier to just cut ties. And I never use those words. I promise you, I haven’t. And I won’t.

I have enough friends. I truly do. So your offer of friendship is null and void.

So unless you are looking to fill the spots of boyfriend, mate, significant other…then.my quota is full and fulfilled with about 20 years of being placed in the “friend zone”.

July 14, 2011

Mike and I aren't your typical "young couple." Meeting online late July 2010 on SinglesNet, we had a whirlwind romance that led me to change many of the plans I had made for the future months. New to the Chicago area and only there for a short 3 months, Mike convinced me that extending my stay in the Windy City to give us enough time to grow and develop something long-lasting would be worth my time. Unsure of what to do, I let things run their course and work themselves out, hoping to be steered in the right direction. In one year, Mike and I have seen each other through dramatic life changes (unemployment, career changes, family loss, etc.), are currently dealing with temporary long distance, and all throughout choosing to put the relationship in the decisions we make moving forward.

What made you use an on-line dating service?

I was new to the Chicago area (moved there for an internship) and was really just looking to see what kind of guys the Chicago area had to offer. I had used dating sites before and had pretty decent luck meeting guys so said why not try again in a new city?

What made the site you used attractive to you? (Price, number of members, etc.)

I was on two sites at the time (Plentyoffish and SinglesNet). I was attracted to both of them because they were free and had a lot of members in the Chicago area who seemed pretty interesting. Actually, correction, if you chose the free account with SinglesNet you weren't able to communicate with members who also had free accounts but could contact those with paid accounts. Mike had a paid account and as soon as I saw him I swooned so hard I couldn't help but send him over a message. Was very happy when he responded the next day.

Was this your first time using on-line dating or were you a "pro" at it?

It definitely wasn't my first time but I wouldn't necessarily say I was a "pro." My past experiences with online dating were positive so signing up to another one wasn't that big of a deal for me. I'm also not a shy or heavily guarded person and it's easy for me to open up to people and be myself around them with little to no awkwardness. Online dating just kind of fit into my lifestyle.

What attracted you (or your mate) to your profile? Who contacted whom first?

HIS EYES!!! I definitely contacted him first as I had just signed up to SinglesNet and didn't see anyone else who interested me as much. I also read on his profile that we had similar interests and the tone in which he wrote gave me a good sense that he had a funny personality. A guy that could make me laugh with written words is a definite WIN. His profile was also different from the others as it detailed what he specifically was looking for and what he could bring to the table in a relationship, far different than the profiles who featured little to no content and just an okay picture.

How long did you communicate before meeting in person?

Don't judge me! I contacted him the night I saw his profile. He replied back the next day and we exchanged numbers which turned into an almost 3 hour long conversation that same day. We didn't meet the next day, but probably one or two days after that.

When and where was your first date?

Our first date was a BLAST! He met me near where I was staying at the time in Downtown Chicago and, since I had mentioned I was new in town, gave me a personal tour of the city. We walked down Millennium Mile for a bit towards Navy Pier, caught a movie at the IMAX theatre there, took a cab over to the Sears Tower where we took the elevator all the way to the top floor to get a better view of the city, and then went to Giodano's Pizza to have some Chicago-style deep dish pizza. It was a long exhausting day come to think about it but well worth it.

How did you know this would be more than just an "online" date and something more?

Honestly, it took me a while. Mike was younger than me by a year and still in school while I had already graduated and was ready to start my career. I also wasn't sure if I would stay in Chicago after my internship ended at the end of the summer. I'm originally from New York which is a much bigger city with greater opportunity and somewhere I could live rent free until I found a job back at home with my mom. The boyfriend I had before Mike was long distance and it wasn't something I was willing to go for again especially since neither of us showed any signs of making moves anytime soon.

However, I tell people when I talk about Mike and I that God has a way of intervening in our lives to make things work out. Towards mid-August I started applying for new opportunities and was afforded a job (not the best job but something to help pay the rent until I could find something better) and a decent-sized furnished apartment at a GREAT price. I guess what made me try to make Chicago work in the first place was the way in which Mike fought hard to break down any doubts I had or any barriers I tried to put up against us taking things to the next level. He said to me one night, "Carla, just try to make Chicago work for a bit longer and I'll work at making our situation, whatever it turns out to be, work but I need more time to do that." The hopeless romantic in me gave in.

A year later and I recently moved back to New York this past June for my dream job in Public Relations at a global PR firm and Mike is preparing himself to move to New York around late August/early September to pursue a career as an Air Traffic Controller at Vaughn College of Aeronautics (a dream of his he had put on the back burner for quite some time).

Would you recommend on-line dating to others?

It's not for everyone and I understand that but if you can go into online dating with an open mind and an open heart, the results can be phenomenal. Too many people are so guarded and have a stigma with dating or finding someone online. It shouldn't be that way and if you can get over that then I more than recommend it.

July 10, 2011

I just find it easier to meet ppl online (friends included) because I'm partially lazy and I think and type alot faster than I talk or walk in real life. Besides there's less pressure (to me) if you chit-chat for a bit before meeting face to face.

What made the site you used attractive to you? (Price, number of members, etc.)

Match.com - I found some discount coupons online that made it very reasonable.

Was this your first time using on-line dating or were you a "pro" at it?

Not my first time, but I wouldn't say I'm a pro.

What attracted you (or your mate) to your profile? Who contacted whom first?

His fine self (picture) and the fact that he looked very happy.

How long did you communicate before meeting in person?

Erm like a few days.

When and where was your first date?

A park overlooking the Hudson River. We didn't really spend money on food or booze for a traditional first date but we are both fascinated with nature and so the setting was perfectly romantic.

How did you know this would be more than just an "online" date and something more?

When he did what he said he would do and then asked me to be his lady.

Would you recommend on-line dating to others?

I would! But I understand it's not for everyone. Whatever medium you choose it only takes one person to make a connection.

**Did you like Yvvone and E's story? If so..make sure you vote for them on July 25th so that they may win a $100 SpaFinder Gift Card!! **

July 9, 2011

Joel and I met online in July 2010 through OKCupid. Neither of us were looking to get into a serious relationship because our lives were in transition. However, what started as a search for a consistent activity partner, ended up being the sweetest, most mature relationship I've had the pleasure of being in. We made it "official" on August 3, 2010 when he asked me to be his girlfriend while on a roadtrip from NY to DC so I could scout out apartments. Sicne then, I started a new job, moved to a new city, and changed my hairstyle about 4 times. He has moved from NY to Texas and most recently undergone two brain surgeries. We've overcome the difficulties of a long distance relationship and differences in religion. We're in this thing for the long haul, frequently talking about marriage and our future together. There was nothing about my life that would have led me to Joel in person. Had it not been for OKCupid, I would not be as happy and grateful as I am today. I love Joel with all my heart, and I thank God everyday for the opportunity to share my life with him.

What made you use an on-line dating service?

I used on-line dating services because they work to my advantage. I have no problem meeting people off line, but I am a more compelling and attractive option to most men when they can see a good picture and read about me first. Most men I've been in relationships share with me that they fell for my humor, wit, character and personality. You don't always see that about someone passing them by in the street or on the subway, so on-line dating allows me to present my best and true self for the optimum first impression.

What made the site you used attractive to you? (Price, number of members, etc.)

I used OKCupid most recently because a guy I had a crush on for four years met his girlfriend through the site, and it wasn't as if I was encouraged by his success. I was more shocked than anything that he even used a site. He didn't have any other online presence. So I figured there had to be something about the site that was good. It was free. And I do believe the quizzes and questions weed out less desirable candidates for me. OKCupid is a really smart site with really smart people. Their blog is insightful too.

Was this your first time using on-line dating or were you a "pro" at it?

OKCupid was not the first on-line dating service I'd used. I had used match.com and blackpeoplemeet.com too. I also had a profile on asianave.com. I was considering a profile on jdate and even cruised and posted on craigslist personals, too. Does all that make me a "pro?" I don't know. I had admitted that I was never looking for anything serious, but if I weren't in a healthy relationship by 30 and desired one that I'd join eHarmony.

What attracted you (or your mate) to your profile? Who contacted whom first?

After finding him on page 8 of my OKCupid matches, I thought Joel's smile was so inviting, warm and sweet. Looking at his picture made me want to just let my hair down and get comfortable. Then when I read his responses to the OKCupid prompt questions, I found him to be honest and self-aware. I sent him an instant message and we chatted for about 40 minutes.

How long did you communicate before meeting in person?

We sent OKCupid messages, emailed and spoke on the phone for about four or five days before meeting in person.

When and where was your first date?

Dinner and a movie is a horrible first date. So I like to think of that first in-person meeting as just that - a meeting. It's far more romantic to think of the next time we met as our first date. We met in midtown Manhattan. He greeted me with a single rose, and we walked the streets together talking, window-shopping, holding hands and then grabbing a bite to eat (I think). I remember the walking and talking most of all. It was really comfortable and natural.

How did you know this would be more than just an "online" date and something more?

I knew I wanted to meet him after that very first instant message exchange. I knew then that chatting whenever we were both online and on the site would not be enough. We exchanged personal emails and phone numbers that night. I knew this would be more than one of my infamous summer flings after our first meeting. The goodbye was much more physically intense than I had expected it to be, and I asked that it stop because I didn't want to go down a road I'd travelled before. Even though I knew we would only have a short time together (He was planning to start medical school in a few days, and I was relocating to DC shortly there after.), I didn't want a cheap thrill. I didn't want the bad after taste of remorse and shame in my mouth from this experience.

Would you recommend on-line dating to others?

What is "online dating?" How do you date someone online? I don't know. I think meeting people from online dating sites is pefectly fine. Some people find the perfect pair of pumps or jeans by trolling the malls of America all day. Others are pick-and-click folks. I would definitely recommend OKCupid to anyone, and I have. Both friends I have pushed to use it are dating guys from the site.

July 8, 2011

Two of my really good friends are in great, successful relationships (at least they are to me…LOL).They have loving, supportive boyfriends who seem to be compatible with them. These relationships seem normal, right? Two people coming together to form a loving bond…

…only difference is these two chicks had their relationships “Fast tracked” (a phrase coined by my friend MN whose own relationship was “fast tracked”)

What is fast tracking you might ask? In terms of a relationship, that means all of the middle-man notions of dating, games and bullshit is cut out and people have that VERY adult conversation early: “Listen…I like you…you like me…let’s do the damn thing”. In the case of my friend Y (also a fast-tracker), her relationship went something like this:

Dude hits her up on dating site

She ignores him for 2 weeks

Finally she breaks down and answers his email

They go out in August

2 weeks later he tells her “Look. I’m trying to be in a SERIOUS committed relationship together”

BOOM! Fast-tracked

By December, they are living together.

Now..They are picking out rings and things for a wedding.

Fast-tracked! Whew! The thought just makes me tired....

The rationale me thinks this type of behavior is downright dangerous and stupid. You don’t know this person? What if you break up now you got nowhere to live! What if it ends as fast as it started and you already gave up the cookies?

But….on the flipside the romantic side of me thinks that these whirlwind types of relationships give me hope. Maybe there is such thing as love at first sight! Maybe there are dudes out there that are not about playing games! Some folks know what they want…and can move forward with it effortlessly.

But is this healthy? Is this SANE? Most of all, how do you know if “fast tracking” a relationship is right for you? Who makes the first move? The man or the woman?

In talking to my friends, they both say you have to simply not be about the bullshit and be willing to progress….fast and with a purpose. That purpose being to spend the rest of your life with that other person. It has to be a mutual decision

My friends both declare that my next relationship will be “fast tracked." I don’t know about that. The times when I try to lay it all on the line, the dudes run (lol). But I guess maybe the point of fast-tracking is that you’ll never know if/when it will strike you. But in most cases...I am too chicken to go that fast..and men are running for the hills. I would think once you reach a certain age...the "fast track" approach is all that's left....:) Life is too short.

You never know...

You just have to be wiling and ready for the ride.

QOTD: If given the right circumstances...would you move at lightening speed into a full-on relationship?

July 3, 2011

Since the 4th of July is a day to celebrate the "fireworks" of love...I thought it would be an appropriate time to launch a new contest:

Love: Digital Style

Did you meet your current partner on-line?

Did you use a dating website?

Did that relationship lead to marriage? An engagement? s3omething long term? Or even a bundle of joy? ( or 2...or 3...lol)

Well, if you had a successful and positive experience on-line that has lead to you meeting your mate...then this contest is for you.

You have two ways to enter:

1) you can email us at Sex and the Southern Belle sexliesandemail@gmail.com (with pictures preferably) with the tagline "Love....Digital Style"

OR

2) You can upload a YouTube video with the tagline "Love: Digital Style"... (being as creative as you can) answering the following questions...

What made you use an on-line dating service?

What made the site you used attractive to you? (Price, number of members, etc.)

Was this your first time using on-line dating or were you a "pro" at it?

What attracted you (or your mate) to your profile? Who contacted whom first?

How long did you communicate before meeting in person?

When and where was your first date?

How did you know this would be more than just an "online" date and something more?

Would you recommend on-line dating to others?

Contestants will be entered into a prize pool (shhhh...the Grand Prize is a secret!) and be featured once a week on Sex and the Southern Belle. Then, at the end of the contest, readers will vote on the BEST online love story. The winner with the most votes will win the GRAND PRIZE...(to be revealed at the end of the contest).

Extra Entries:

Retweet this contest on Twitter. Making sure you @TheMochaPeach in the entry.

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KINDLE ME!

Just a 30-something African-American woman living in the Deep South's largest metropolis (for now) who is a lover of all things shoe...the higher the heel..the better...who is also navigating the world of dating, mating, and all things in-between post-divorce.
For PR opportunities contact me at : sexliesandemail@gmail.com
*NOTE*: I do not claim the rights to any of these photos that I use. If there is an issue, please contact me directly.