Summit High Sticke Alt Already Leads League in Penalty Minutes, And It’s Not Even Close

Tuesday, November 13, 2018, By Summit Brewing

Dirty-playing beer has spent more time in Penalty Box than on the damn ice, and the fans love it

The hockey season is barely 15 games old, and Summit High Sticke Alt has already jumped out to a pretty large lead in penalty minutes. Let’s take a look at the board:

Summit High Sticke Alt: 312 PIM

All other beers combined: Zero PIM

After a long offseason — too long, if we’re being honest — we understand Summit High Sticke Alt was just eager to get back on the ice. But what the hell? The beer has spent more time in the penalty box than chasing the puck. If it keeps collecting 5-minute majors and game misconducts at this rate, High Sticke will be indefinitely suspended before Christmas.

With big aromas of stone fruit and toffee, plus a slap shot of spicy hop flavor and cross-checking bitterness, we probably should’ve expected this. After all, Summit High Sticke Alt has a reputation for running the damn rink. Throwing elbows, talking trash, hooking skates — we saw all last season that the beer just does what needs to be done.

Get a load of some of these penalty-earning offenses performed by the Delinquent from Düsseldorf so far in this young hockey season:

Slew Footing– Defined as “the action of tripping a player by knocking their skates out from behind with a kicking or leg dragging motion,” this move is basically patented by High Sticke. The beer has averaged two successful attempts per game.

Spearing – Also called poking or stabbing — basically high sticking with murder on the mind — High Sticke Alt has been penalized nine times for using its stick with intent to injure or at least inflict unnecessary pain on the opponent. On the rink as it is in life, stabbing is a no-no.

Pulled a Heckler From the Stands and Gave Him a Very Extreme Noogie – OK, the heckler kind of asked for it, but High Sticke still had to go sit alone for a few minutes

Blind-sided Sucker Punches – This one needs no explanation. High Sticke is always looking for a fight, even when the other skaters aren’t.

Hits From Behind – It’s a lot. We’ve lost count.

Taking Off Skates and Trying To Stab Someone With The Blade – No doubt inspired by Happy Gilmore

Throwing Objects On The Ice With Intent to Trip Other Players – Especially heinous considering High Sticke does this from inside the Penalty Box.

Boarding – You know what, maybe the other players just shouldn’t skate near the boards and stanchions when High Sticke is on the ice.

There’s much more to discuss here, but the Department of Player Safety is already building a case against High Sticke Alt and we really don’t want to give them any more ammunition. Stay tuned, though, cuz we’ll update a bit later in the season if the heat dies down.