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Desperate separation..

Hey all,

I've been reading some of the life supporters for a couple of weeks as I go through the beginning of a separation. I just love this forum now, I think it's a great idea and an excellent place you can place your feelings in an anonymous forum, to get honest advice from strangers that can read your story in full honesty, not omitting pieces for fear of judgement by friends/family.

This is going to be a novel, even if noone reads it or provides opinions/advice I appreciate the anonymous place to post my thoughts and feelings

My wife (I'll continue to call her that for now ) and I married 4 years ago. We had been dating for 3 years prior to that, and although we were already engaged she became pregnant just before the wedding. I was 23 and she was 21 when we wed.

She had not even started College when she became pregnant, and she believed strongly in being a stay at home Mom. I encouraged it because I make a fairly good income and we would pay in child care almost what she would make at a minimum wage retail or food service job. It always did cause a worry in the back of my mind as my wife is a bit of a social butterfly and I couldn't imagine her staying at home every day for 3-4 years. She was lucky she had a couple of friends in our city with young children as well, and frequently did activities with them while I was at work. I wanted to make sure she kept her sanity as well, so once a year I used a week of my vacation to spend with just my son and we set aside money for her to go do a "girls" thing. One year she went to Disney World, this year she went to Mexico. Even until a couple of months ago we were both going the extra distance to keep our relationship strong and healthy.

Our son was also diagnosed with Autism about 12-18 months ago.

About a year ago we moved to another city approximately an hour away from the city she grew up in. I had found a job with a booming company that provided me with a 15%+ raise and far more perks then my current job. We figured an hour wasn't that far, and she could spend some time at her parents every couple of weeks to see friends etc.

This ended up being 2-3 days every week of her and our son being in another city. After 4+ years of someone a couple days a week apart doesn't seem so bad in the short term. It definitely did start to wear on me after a couple of months, but I figured it was making her happy and I was becoming a top performer at work because those days I would put in a few extra hours at the office.

About 2 months ago my wife came to me and said she was having issues, she didn't feel the same and she thought it would help if we went to marriage counselling.

This came at me completely by surprise. I instantly told her yes I'm willing to do whatever it takes to help us.

After she said those words out loud she spiralled into a big depression. She was still talking to me and we were still very close. We talked a lot at this point. She was saying she didn't know what was wrong, that she still loves me, I'm an amazing husband, but something isn't right with her. We didn't have a lot of money to pay for therapy but the Monday after she told me I called family therapists until I found one that had a same day appointment. Unfortunately we had no opportunity to find a babysitter for that day, but my Wife asked if she could go alone to the first session. I thought the sooner we got the ball rolling on this the sooner we can identify issues and work on things, so go ahead.

Unfortunately the solo therapy session did not help, and because of a few things the psychologist said ("Sometimes things just don't work", "There can be nothing wrong but you may never feel the same", etc) my wife went into a deeper depression.

She spent three days virtually not moving from our basement, when we talked we didn't argue. I calmly told her that if she's not going to be happy with me then she should make the decision to leave. But that I love her and want to be with her for the rest of my life.

She finally left on the Friday, around noon. Within 12 hours she called me and said she was sorry, she strongly felt that it was just the move away from her friends and family and the time we spent apart that had been causing the way she felt. Her parents offered to take our son as it was a long weekend and they were aware we had been going through some stuff that week, and some of our friends were going to a cottage, so we accepted the offer and used the weekend to be alone and rekindle our romance. It was actually an awesome weekend, followed by two great weeks where we made plans to move cities, we were planning to see a family therapist together to work out some issues, and had made some extra effort to do fun activities together and not spend time apart during those weeks.

At the end of the two weeks, we got in a huge fight for a stupid reason. She went back into a major depression. A couple of days later she left again. This time there was no phone call 12 hours later.

That was about 6 weeks ago.

We kept conversations brief but we talked almost every day. The first weekend I took my son so she had some privacy and space to do some thinking. On the Sunday we sat down and talked, and more then anything she sounded scared and confused, and when i asked her why she was doing this the only answer she had was "She didn't know what else to do".

I wanted to do nothing more at this point then to get down on my knees and cry and beg her to come back. I didn't, I stayed strong and kept my distance and told her I loved her, I believed in us, and that I would giver her whatever space she needed but I was here when she was ready to talk and wasn't going anywhere. I was pretty sure already that the issues she had were more with her losing a lot of independence and social circle over the previous year, and years of being a stay at home mom taking their toll. Also her two best friends had just left long-term relationships, however at 24 their relationships were far more "immature" then our marriage was. Many of our closest friends agree with me. But I thought she had to figure these things out on her own, hearing them from me wouldn't help her.

Another week passed and I completely stayed away from her for that week. We talked on the phone and via text/instant messaging almost every day. The Sunday was father's day, so I naturally stopped by her parents house to see my son.

After he had gone to sleep she arranged for her parents to watch him so we could grab some dinner together if I wanted to. Of course I said yes.

At dinner she basically told me she missed me more then anything. That she didn't know what was going on, and that when she left she was sure it was over and now she was so confused because of how strongly she felt towards me.

She said she needed some more time to figure things out, and said she thought the reasons i stated above were big issues, and that she'd like to start doing some dates and take it slow.

For the next few weeks we did just that - about 2 dates a week, one during the week and one on the weekend, one alone and one with our son usually. Generally both nights included staying over, and we had agreed to stay physically involved as everything was still great in that respect for both of us, and we hoped it would keep us both "satisfied" while we figured things out. She said she wasn't ready to tell any of our circle of friends or anyone other then her parents that we were trying dating, I respected that and didn't put much thought into it. Her parents were making her life a living heck so she actually chose to move in with her best friend in a 3 bedroom apartment, specifically picking a place that would provide enough room should I move in in the future.

I ended up driving that friend to work last Sunday, and she asked what was going on - that I was around a lot but my wife and I are separated. I basically told her we were hopeful things would work out and just seeing how things go. The best friend told me my wife was saying that there was no chance we'd ever work, and that I knew that. Obviously the bluntness of that took me by surprise. I ended up letting slip that we were dating. For some reason that started a huge fight between my wife and her best friend. My wife ended up getting extremely angry at me for saying anything about us dating. She threw around pieces like "Im done" and "This is it".

When the anger went down she said she had to figure out if she could get past the thought that I had talked to her best friend behind her back. Over the past week she didn't speak much to me about it. The lack of any talk about how she was feeling made me start feeling desperate. Finally last night I snapped, I couldn't sleep, my heart was racing, I had no idea where her mind was. It was probably the worst night of our separation for me. I had stayed calm and confident and kept a general attitude of I love her and know that things will turn out okay until that point.

Laying in bed everytime I heard a car pull up outside my heart was racing thinking maybe it was her. Of course it never was. So I went outside to get some fresh air, and somehow got to the point that I pulled out my cell phone and started Instant messaging her how I was feeling.

I realized as soon as I did it that I shouldn't have. It caused more issues, and although we ended up spending 4 hours today together my desperation definitely caused a setback in our relationship.

I don't know why I just posted this entire story here, I think just typing it out helped me clear my mind and keep myself occupied.

I'm curious as to how common my story is? And whether people that have been through this think that I'm handling it right? Obviously minus the desperation last night

During our talk at 4 AM last night she told me she didn't know where we were going to end up. But that she loved me and cared for me, and had a pretty good idea that our relationship at least wasn't the only thing causing her to feel how she was feeling.

For anyone that actually read this novel, I appreciate it. I will keep it up to date with my feelings and new happenings so hopefully someone else in my position in the future can learn from my successes and mistakes.

Thanks!!!!

There's actually a little more complexity to the situation but I will post it another day.

Re: Desperate separation..

Hi Andyd, welcome to the forums. Wish it were under happier circumstances.

It is hard to say what is going on in your wife's mind. The move probably created a sort of social isolation for your wife. To make up for that, she split her life in half - one with you, and one in her hometown. That is very self-confronting, and it naturally raises a lot of questions. Would you say that your always finds it difficult to be on her own?

From the sound of it, it seems she is confused. The friction with her parents is only adding to that, as will her friends - whether that is a betrayal of trust, or her feeling that her friends think she is making a mistake, it does add to the pressures in the situation. Perhaps that is why she insisted on the secrecy. Not to hurt you, but to protect herself.

As for what you can do, sadly not too much. She needs to figure things out on her own. Moving (to another place or to other side of the country) would not solve a thing, as her struggles are about the people in her life, including herself; no matter how hard you try, you cannot run away from yourself.

Keep the lines of communication open, not only for your son, but for her as well. She probably still feels you are a good thing in her life, and her confused behavior is more a reflection of her inner confusion about her own life, than about you. So do expect a few bumps and sharp turns, but keep telling yourself that, at least for the time being.

As paradoxical as it sounds, you can do too much thinking about things. About your wife, and about how you contributed to the situation (and inwardly lamenting decisions you have made with the blessing of hindsight).

Spend some time on yourself. Whether that is fishing, or reading the Sunday newspaper, or going hiking; things you normally enjoy, and are not draining your emotional energy. I would advise against working insane hours now, for the simple reason that you can't afford to go through the motions now.

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

Re: Desperate separation..

Thanks Vautrin!

Nice to meet you as well. I really appreciate your time and insight.

Yes my Wife is definitely the type that goes stir crazy. We can definitely spend nights in with just the two of us but she definitely prefers going out. I fully agree with you about the confused. Her friends have been there to support her but I almost feel bad for her because all of her friends think that she's making a big mistake, and really no one else (not even me) understands what she's going through or why.

I also fully agree with you that no matter where we chose to live these issues were going to arise. Also thats why I didn't bother with the subject of our argument, as I think it could have been about anything and ended in the same result.

So one last piece, and I won't go into too many details. I know she has been talking to an ex-boyfriend, and I found out she met up with him at least once during the couple of weeks that she thought our relationship was over.

I confronted her about it, and she claimed yes she met up with him but claimed nothing happened. She said while she was trying to deal with the fact we were done she felt like no other guy would want her and that she was going to sleep with him, but never did it.

I trust her but it was definitely a tough thing to find out. Yesterday I saw more texts/instant messages from him during the few hours we spent together despite the fact she said she told me she wasn't talking to him anymore. I completely over-reacted to this and let my emotions get the better of me.

I know she has a good conscience and good morals, but I am obviously a bit worried about her talking to her ex-boyfriend from 7+ years ago, that she hasn't said a word to until we were separated. I've kind of realized no matter what I do or say, if she wants to go and mess around she will. Me confronting her about who she's talking to and trying to tell her who she can or can't talk is controlling and will only push her away. I know if she ends up doing it she won't be able to continue with our relationship until she tells me, then I guess I'll have to make a decision.

I never felt as if she lied to me in our relationship before the last two months - of course the odd white one, but never sneaking around. Those feelings are starting to creep in.

It's just so frustrating!! My son was going to start school in September, we were paying for my Wife to go to college in September as well. We have most of a down payment saved for a house.

Does anyone think suggesting Marriage counselling would help at this point? She still hasn't identified any issues with our relationship that she was unhappy with. Obviously the separation has caused some arguing and issues. I think if she decides she wants to get back together I want to go suggest Marriage counselling to deal with any issues that two of us had during the separation.

Re: Desperate separation..

Welcome to Lifesupporters Andyd. Wish the circumstances were better. At this point I don't know how much more you can do without her helping. I personally am not big on counselling but that is just me. It might be a good idea to ask her and see how it goes. If she says no, and she still won't come home or tell you what is wrong, then maybe it is time to talk to a lawyer. Not necessarily to draw up papers but to see what your rights and hers are and what you should and shouldn't do in case you do get a divorce. Being in limbo is no way to live. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

Re: Desperate separation..

And to better answer your question Vautrin, yes my Wife does find it hard to be alone. One of the comments she ended up making was "She feels homesick no matter where she is".

One thing I definitely regret is not taking the effort to spend more time with her in her hometown over the last year. I kind of feel like she put the effort to move cities but I didn't reciprocate to spend time with her and her friends in her hometown as much as I should have.

I definitely over-analyzed and tried to figure out what I could "fix" at the beginning of our separation. I've been moving past that and trying to look forward instead of back.

I strongly feel I would still want to work things out even if our son wasn't in the picture, and will be keeping the lines of communication open for them both

Re: Desperate separation..

Thanks TKDLady

I appreciate the insight. I have done a lot of research on my own and talked to a lawyer. I hope everything works out but I also realize it might not, so I've been realistic. She has actually accepted child support/spousal support payments that are quite a bit lower then what she would receive in court. (about 20-30% lower)

I've discussed what to do about custody of my son should we get to that point, unfortunately as the Father I would have a tough time of obtaining full custody, but I do want it. I'm hoping I never have to cross that bridge, but like I said... preparing

Re: Desperate separation..

Counseling seems like a good idea for her, on her own. It is quite likely that she does not even know why she is unhappy, why she is confused, and a bit of guidance can definitely clarify things for her. But, given your first experience I can understand you would be a bit wary.
That might also be one of the reasons why she got into touch with her ex. Someone who supposedly (at least she will feel that way, since she and him have history together) understands her, and may potentially help her sort herself out. If he was a serious boyfriend, then she may be digging in her past a bit. Maybe completely harmless, though it seems the ex may have different plans. But as you said, you are powerless to do much about it.

The one thing you could consider is to offer to pay for individual counseling. She needs to figure herself out, and the sooner she does, the sooner you will have closure, one way or the other. Until she can express her issues (even if you do not understand her point of view), it is impossible to fix things, since you don't know what needs to be fixed. That does not mean she does have to have all the answers, but she needs to know the questions, before she (and you) can start answering them.

From what you describe it seems your wife is confused about herself, and in the process hurting those around her. Perhaps you could have made more of an effort, but as I said, hindsight is always 20/20; and doing what you could have done may not even have been a realistic option at the time itself. Been there, done that, have a failed relationship to show for that.

It is good to be prepared for the worst, but at this point (I don't know all the details), I would not push for full custody if things do not work out, unless she is demonstrably a bad mother. The last thing you want is to make your son the battleground of lengthy proceedings with little chance of "success", especially if the alternative would be a more or less amicable shared custody arrangement.

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

Re: Desperate separation..

I definitely agree with you - Limbo is no way to live. But I also strongly feel with some time, understanding and patience she'll realize she wants to stay. Actually I'm almost certain of it, and most people that are close to us believe it too. But the amount of time it may take for her to realize that scares me some nights.

I think if I didn't give her my support and some time and patience to work through her feelings and figure out what she wants, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

Re: Desperate separation..

How much time are you willing to wait? That is a question you need to ask yourself. If you don't have some kind of a cutoff or some kind of commitment from her regarding when she is willing to get some help you could be in this limbo for years. Marriage is a give and take on both parties parts. Right now you seem to be doing all the giving and she is doing all the taking. Just a thought.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

Re: Desperate separation..

Thanks Vautrin,

I think individual counselling is a good idea, perhaps after some time we would be able to move it to couples/marriage counselling. I will definitely suggest it to her.

She is definitely an amazing mother, and I would have no intention to keep her away from our son even with full custody. My thoughts on why I want full custody are really complex and will take another 80 pages of message board, suffice it to say I know asking for full custody would be a slap in the face to her and I do not want to make my son the center of a lengthy and expensive court battle that I would probably lose.

I guess for now - I'll suggest individual counselling for her, and continue to tell her she has my love and support and that I'm here for her. I'll also take your advice Vautrin to do some things for me as I feel me reaching out to her in desperation will only poison whatever chances we have.

Re: Desperate separation..

It may seem strange, but doing things like fishing, hiking, or whatever hobbies and interests you have will be the best for you. Probably physically more demanding pursuits may be better for you. You need to have a clear mind, rather than try to figure her out; that is her job, and not something someone else can take (full) responsibility for.
It will also help you assess the situation, rather than "read whatever you want to read" into the situation, not to mention avoid fights about meaningless stuff.

This limbo can't last forever. If it does, it will wear you down, and you will be checking out of the marriage itself as well. Giving yourself a deadline is not a straightforward thing. Dates become meaningless. Development in your wife's life will be the deciding factor.

If things do not work out, and only then, try talking to her about the custody issues. If there are reasons in her personal life which would make you a bit skeptical about shared custody, she may understand your perspective far better than you imagine. Of course all this is looking in a yet completely unclear future. Don't bank on it, but don't rule out your options as of yet either.

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

Re: Desperate separation..

What do you guys feel about the "dating"? I have a feeling she will want to start it again soon.

Last time, she was not willing to commit to anything other then going on a couple of dates a week. There was no "We're getting back together" etc, just a let's date only each other and see where things go... During the dating she was definitely putting effort into our relationship. At the same time she seemed easily aggravated and not quite herself, but much closer then she had been the previous month.

I'm so torn on if the dating and sex is a good idea. I read the "sex while separated" thread and actually took a lot away from that, but I'm still very torn as to whether dating each other before she's figured out what she wants is a good idea...

Re: Desperate separation..

You will be part of each other's life for the next 15-20 years, regardless of whether things or not work out.

Dating may not be a bad thing for her, and a good thing for you as well. Not because you can forget about everything that happened in the past few months, but because you will be able to gauge how she is doing, and what is going on in her mind. Those questions are a part of your life, at least for the time being.

She needs the support to figure herself out (and with that you will figure out whether your marriage may last). It is a very awkward position to be in, and naturally tensions and frustrations may easily get to the both of you, especially because of the shared history.
Don't expect miracles. It is easy to get your hopes up, and think it is just like old times, when it is not. I certainly would keep it casual, and avoid high-intensity stuff for the time being. Intimacy can seriously add to the confusion you and her experience.

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

Re: Desperate separation..

Originally Posted by Andyd

What do you guys feel about the "dating"? I have a feeling she will want to start it again soon.

Welcome to Lifesupporters, Andyd, I'm sorry as well that you are here under difficult circumstances. I hope you find that we are a very caring community and try to give the best advice, what we ourselves believe or have gone through. I hope you end up staying as you will help others through a similar journey as the one you are on.

I'm going to only speak from my own circumstances. My husband and I, married almost 44 years, have gone through many ups-and-downs when we were younger. No one seemed to believe we would ever stay together. We really didn't know what we were doing as both of us had no real support in our lives, as the people around us had their own issues.

I believe what happened to me was a real Miracle as I was quite into myself and what I wanted. I was fortunate enough to get a job on the same day with a great lady who was to become one of my dearest, dearest friends. Her husband was a Minister and they 'took me under their wing' because I still didn't really know how to live a good and peaceful life with my husband, plus the fact that there was a lot of alcohol with just about everyone we knew, except of course, the couple I just mentioned.

It blew me away how easy it was to be in their presence. There was SO much laughter and love that I was just amazed to see a marriage like that, one that I had never witnessed before. I was smart enough to 'study' them and knew that's what I wanted, and I was going to do everything in my power to get there with my own husband.

Anyway, I stopped wanting to change him and be what I thought he should be. I gave him space when he needed it, and stayed on topic with disagreements instead of trying to be right. I just let go to be and see where the relationship went. It didn't change overnight, sometimes depending on what was happening at the moment, it took quite awhile. I stopped treating him like I owned him. We both realized that we could settle differences with humour and not taking everything so seriously.

It IS possible to fall in love all over again, or through the trials, working together through the difficulties and make for a stronger relationship. I can totally attest to that in my own marriage. I love my husband more than ever everyday, and have even learned that when I thought I knew what was best in our marriage, I didn't. I listen more and 'study' what he needs. I look after my own needs, too, finding how nice to do things for myself. It's such an easy relationship now and I'm very Grateful for that!

The only reason I go into such depth with my own story is that anything is possible if you work at it and your whole heart is in it. I think a lot of people give up too soon, I really do. Sometimes starting over is a good thing, like your wife wanting to date. I think that's very positive as maybe that's all she can handle right now, or she remembers how lovely it was when you were both dating. Maybe she wants to fall in love all over again with you!

Most things aren't fixed in a short while, but that seems to be what most people want. The best things in life take time, like growing togther, talking, laughing, and finding things together that bring hope. I believe that nothing has to turn ugly when we really listen to the other person and don't become to immersed in our wants and needs. Balance in a relationship does come, I believe that, too, if both people keep working at it.

It sounds to me like you are doing everything you can to keep it together. As long as she is trying, even if she is having a difficult and confusing time, it will help her immensely that you are trying to understand. Keeping hope and love alive is a work in progress right now for you, and I wish the best for the both of you!

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
who’s getting the better of the deal.

Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

Re: Desperate separation..

I really really appreciate the comments from all three of you. It's been a difficult couple of months and I've felt my heart break in ways I didn't think were possible, and for reasons that no one can explain.

To come to an online forum and be accepted instantly as family and get advice from other people is so helpful. I don't know many people that have gone through separation and divorce in my real life. And even less that I could talk to about this. I really do plan to check in here, write down what's happening in my situation so people can perhaps learn, and help other people out in the future.

I will definitely say yes to the dating if she suggests it. She is definitely working through the thought that I "Betrayed her trust" by telling her best friend about the dating. Although that wasn't my intention, and her best friend really dug to try and get the truth from me.. even telling me she already knew that we were seeing each other. I told her that but did take responsibility for what happened.

I'm going to give her space now. Suggest that I pay for individual counselling if she wants it. Go out and do my own thing, my life has probably revolved around the family a little too much. I feel as if we'll probably be "dating" again shortly, and we'll have to see where things go from there.

I'll try and do frequent updates as I know a lot of how you feel and what you're thinking fades quickly.

Luba - thank you so much for the post. One of my biggest mistakes was talking to my guy friends about it. Although its nice to go out and have dinner and beers bought for you there's only so much "F her!" and "You deserve better then this!" that a guy can take To read what you said really helps.

The last week has seen very little/no effort on her part, but she actually just told me she wants to come and stay over Tuesday night. I'm trying to not get too excited, I'm hopeful we're still on a good path, but even on the darkest days I'll try and stay positive - and let her know I love her and am here for her if/when she's ready.

Re: Desperate separation..

So I dropped my son off after the weekend tonight. My wife asked me to stay after I was done.

After a few moments of awkwardness on the couch she wrapped her arms around me and we started kissing. I didn't know what to do, so I gave in and we ended up making out - only lightly, for a few minutes.

We had a couple hours of talking, I asked her if she was still really confused. She said yes, so I offered the individual therapy for her. She thought it was a good idea and accepted.

She got a call when I was getting ready to leave, unfortunately we found out her aunt had a stroke and isn't expected to make it. That just threw a whole other emotional log jam at us. I wasn't sure how much to comfort her but I put my arms around her and made sure she knew I was there for her. Obviously a situation like that is bigger then anything we may be going through.

She's still planning to come to our old house on Tuesday. She is saying right now it's to do packing and because she misses me. So I am a little hopeful that we may be back on a good track after a bad week.

Tonight I feel a little confused. I want so badly to be there to hold her and comfort her while she awaits the news of a sick loved one, but I can't be. I think our night up to that point was pretty positive. I have no doubt there will be many bumps and sharp turns as she figures out what she wants but I really think we're on a good path.

Re: Desperate separation..

What will be important that she finds a good counselor whom she trusts and feels comfortable with.

It seems that a few promising steps were made, but perceptions can be deceptive. Don't get your hopes up too much yet. Though it is really positive that she does seem to be making an effort and reaches out to you.

Dealing with the impending loss of a loved one can be extremely hard to deal with. I am not sure how close your wife is to her aunt, but the last thing you want to happen is that she feels uncomfortable reaching out to you in this situation.

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

Re: Desperate separation..

Originally Posted by Andyd

Tonight I feel a little confused. I want so badly to be there to hold her and comfort her while she awaits the news of a sick loved one, but I can't be. I think our night up to that point was pretty positive. I have no doubt there will be many bumps and sharp turns as she figures out what she wants but I really think we're on a good path.

I think that she is trying to sort out her confusion and it she wants you in her life, that's how it looks to me. That's a good sign.

It's good that you are remaining strong even if it's hard to figure out how to help her. You are being supportive and caring, and that's positive! If you're not sure of something, just ask her. If you're not sure how to help her with the sudden situation about her Aunt, ask her what she needs. If she was close to her Aunt, she may want to share some memories about her. She may need you more than ever now as she may feel really lost in her decisions.

I don't know if you watch "Dr. Phil" or where you are located, but he says two things that have really hit home with me about relationships. "Be her soft place to fall" in this instance, and he also says "I wake up every morning to see how I could make my wife's day better". I don't know if I have his exact wording, but that's the gist of it. As she is in the audience for all his shows, she says he really does and her face lights up, too.

I think it's also a good idea to take care of yourself, do things you love. Golfing, fishing, hiking, cycling, or taking walks; whatever it is that you may have even given up but always meant to get back to. Life doesn't stop while she is sorting herself out, this could be an inner 'inspection' of your own.

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
who’s getting the better of the deal.

Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

Re: Desperate separation..

Any tips on how to find a good counsellor/therapist? I'm pretty sure she hasn't expressed all of her feelings to any one person.. As devastating as it is there are probably some feelings she has right now that she can't/won't talk to me about. I'd really like to find someone that will just listen to her for a few meetings. I am a little wary about counselling because of the first experience, and she has a very pessimistic side, and believes a lot of what people say.

I want her to start going soon.

I like the Dr. Phil comments! I don't get to watch very often..

As far as the situation with her Aunt, she was really close until a few years ago.. her Aunt lives half way across the country now and is mute (never diagnosed but I believe Autistic...) so it makes long distance communication tough, but I told her we could get her there if she wanted to go. I asked her what she wanted and she said although she really wanted me there she wasn't ready for me to spend the night, so I left.

Just trying to gently let her know I'm here for her.. Also gave her a call this morning but kept it to a simple "Just wanted to check if you're doing okay..." and let her go after she said she was.

Re: Desperate separation..

Usually the best ones are the names that pop up by means of word of mouth. Let her ask around. If that does not work, she can always resort to listings, make a few calls, and weed out the ones she does not have a good feeling about.

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

Re: Desperate separation..

Just trying to gently let her know I'm here for her.

LOVE that!

Does she have a trusted friend that is for the both of you working out your relationship? Sometimes a close friend is the best person to talk to, not that I'm against counseling at all. I'm just thinking about the in-between time when she seems to need to talk to someone right now, someone that will actually listen to her needs if she's unable to talk to you in the present time about everything. (Talk about a run-on sentence on may part). Anyone in her family like that, who loves the both of you?

I'm fortunate to have several friends like that, and they have helped me more than words can say because I know they love me as I love them.

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
who’s getting the better of the deal.

Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

Re: Desperate separation..

Her best friend is totally for "us", obviously putting my wife first. But my wife doesn't seem willing to talk to said best friend about the possibility of "us" working. Which confuses me. Hence the conversation in the car that got me in trouble and the bad week

Unfortunately because of our ages we don't know many (any?) people that have gone to counselling. Actually we're the only married couple our age that we know. We have some friends that have been together for a long time (7+ years) but that's it.