You’re probably wondering where Marie Osmond is in that picture. Well, if you cover Charo, squint your eyes and stare real hard, you may be able to see Marie’s black scrub brush eyelashes. That’s what happens when someone makes the wrong move of posing next to Charo. Her sequined-embedded star power outshines them and they instantly become the “Michelle Williams” and blend into the background.

The Daytime Emmys happened last night and I didn’t find out until after it had already happened. It aired on something called Pop, which used to be the TV Guide Channel. Why in the HELL would they air an important TV eventl starring the greatest humans in the world, Charo and Betty White, on a channel that some people might not get? Well, maybe they figured that if they showed it on a basic channel, every single person in the country, if not world, would watch it and they’d have to watch it with their A/C blasting all the way up since Charo and Betty White’s hotness seeps through the screen. So if every single person watched it with their A/C blasting, energy plants would explode and it’d be a major disaster. So they showed it on that Pop shit for the sake of humanity and the environment!

Earth angel Betty White was given a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Daytime Emmys last night and Charo helped present her with it. If you click to the 7:55 mark in the video below, you’ll see Charo and Betty White do the Coochie Coochie thrust together. Hold on to something sturdy, because when Charo and Betty White thrust their legendary coochies together, you will fall back.

When you type “scissor sisters bumping coochies” on the PornHub in heaven, that clip is what you get.

And here’s some of the shiny wrecks from last night’s Daytime Emmys. Everybody except for Charo, Betty White and Donna Mills looks a mess. Kelly Monaco has some kind of growth covered in jizz balls on her dress and Tyra Banks looks like Raven from Drag Race as a bootleg Marvel superhero.

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