Going Deep into the Shallow

Last year I posted a pretty long piece on my personal blog about the REAL Real Housewives of Atlanta. The thing still gets hits every single day. Hmm, seems I’m not the only one interested in comparing Andy Cohen’s vision of Atlanta with the way it really goes down in A-town. I mean, you’re here, right?

I hope you’ll come back again and again for this real housewife’s recaps and call-outs of the harpies on Bravo.

It’s long, but have a look…

The REAL Real Housewives of Atlanta

Most of us in Atlanta have at least heard of Bravo’s “Real Housewives of Atlanta.” If you haven’t watched it (cough*you’re lying*cough), the show centers around the lives of six women who live their very glam (looking), very fabulous (looking) but actually broke/in-debt lives in the suburbs of Atlanta. That “suburb” part is key; none of these women have an Atlanta or Decatur address. There are rumors that Cynthia lives in Glenwood Park but that’s not confirmed so, ya know. The ladies of RHOA are broad stereotypes of a certain kind of bougie suburban woman.

But what if Bravo did a show about the housewives who actually DO live here in town? As with any “reality show”, they’d want to cast larger than life “types” from intown neighborhoods. I imagine the casting calls might looking something like this…

Real Housewives of Grant Park: Do you belong to a CSA? Did you buy your 30312 house back when Grant Park had more schizophrenics than baby strollers? You’re politically liberal and socially active. You love to cook (local please!); some of you even host underground dinner parties. Your front porch is your rec room. You probably don’t spend your paycheck – if you earn one – on Botox and Restylane because your extra cash is blown at Garden*Hood. If you’re a mom, you’re active in your child’s school. “Active”, right? Because you would never be described as “competitive.” Not you. Uh-uh.

Real Housewives of Virginia-Highland: Life’s pretty cushy for you – but it hasn’t always been. Before you had kids, you were a lawyer/ad exec/buyer. Though you know your way around a fine bottle of wine, you also enjoy a cold one on the porch. You’re fit and girl, you know it! In your Joe’s Jeans and cashmere hoodie, you pick up your kid (s) in your Range Rover from Druid Hills United Methodist Preschool, where you always help get the big ticket items for the yearly auction. You love to get together with other hot mamas for a ladies’ night at The Warren City Club for dinner, followed by a crawl down North Highland. Brunch at Murphy’s? Yes, please!

Real Housewives of Decatur: Ever read Stuff White People Like? Did you find it eerily descriptive of you and your friends? You’re earnest. You always recycle and you have an encyclopedic knowledge of microbrews. Coffee is an actual topic of conversation. (“I’m allergic if it’s not fair trade and organic.”) You spearheaded traffic-calming measures in your neighborhood. While Keens and Crocs are your weekday kicks, you spiff it up for date night with clothes from Boogaloos or Squash Blossom.

Real Housewives of the West End: Even though Hank Aaron built a Krispy Kreme on one of your main avenues (huh?) you love that you live in one of intown’s last remaining “secret neighborhoods.” Your nabe was hit hard by the crack epidemic in the 80s, and recently 30310 was one of the worst hit zip codes for mortgage fraud in the nation. But! You’ve lovingly restored your huge turn of the century home, and while some neighbors saw the lack of restaurants as a problem, you didn’t let it get you down! You created chili nights, dog parades, screen on the green, and themed dinner parties – all of which made your community of neighbors even closer. You volunteer for kids’ story time at The Shrine of the Black Madonna. Dreads swinging, you can be found with one baby in a sling and another in the stroller on your way to Soul Vegetarian. Or, of course, Krispy Kreme.

Real Housewives of Buckhead: Remember what carbs tasted like? No? Then you’ll be perfect. Buckhead is your playground. Sure, you could choose to live in the suburbs (God knows you have the bucks) but you choose to live ITP (if ya don’t know, now ya know)both because it keeps you feeling kinda hip and also because your nanny (ies?) can take MARTA! That way you can just grab your visor, hop in the Jag and still make it to tennis on time. Post-match lunch atSouper Jenny sounds pretty good. Do you think the other carpooler moms will notice if you have just one (ha!) glass of chard?

What do you think, readers? What did I get wrong? Did I leave your ‘hood out? Tell me more…