The appropriate response: Either laughing or being quietly repulsed. I guess it depends on how lame you are.

The actual response: Daniel Collins Jr., who is 72 years old, pulled a gun on the farter and threatened to shoot him.

Daniel was sitting in his apartment in Teaneck, New Jersey, when he heard one of his neighbors farting outside. It's currently winter and New Jersey is pretty cold, so I'm assuming Daniel had his windows closed at the time of the incident. The fact that his neighbor was able to produce a fart loud enough for him to hear is actually pretty impressive.

Daniel—enraged rather than impressed—grabbed his gun, went outside, and pointed it at the neighbor, saying, "I'll put a hole in your head."

Police arrived and arrested Daniel, then charged him with possession of a weapon for an unlawful purpose, unlawful possession of a weapon, making terroristic threats, and aggravated assault. Which seems like a lot of things to charge a person with for one illegal act.

Cry-Baby #2 - Catoosa County Supreme Court

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The incident: In an effort to get a date, a man handcuffed himself to a coworker.

The appropriate response: Some kind of argument.

The actual response: Police were called, and the handcuffer has been sent to jail for four years.

Jason Earl Dean worked at a Taco Bell in Ringgold, Georgia. He had a crush on an unnamed 18-year-old coworker, and asked her out on several occasions. On all of these occasions, she said no.

Undeterred, Jason made the extremely unwise and creepy decision to wait for the girl outside of work one night and handcuff himself to her as she tried to get into her car. Shockingly, the girl wasn't too into this and started to scream. At which point Jason unlocked the handcuffs and ran away.

Two days later, Jason was arrested and charged with false imprisonment.

Jason entered a blind guilty plea in court and WAS SENTENCED TO TEN YEARS—four years in jail, and six on probation. Holy. Fucking. Shit.

There's a poll just below this little bit of text. You should use it to offer feedback on which of these two is the bigger cry-baby. It would really help me out a lot, thanks.