Sunday, November 28, 2010

Desensitize me.

These days I have somewhat been seeing blue.
I feel like there is a lack of expression despite the constant flow of imagination in my mind and heart. I draw unconsciously, my hand directs the pencil to a line, to a shape, to a creation, but I seem distant, non connected. Many projects I have in mind are underway with planning and preparation, but no execution. Painting is one medium I feel more connected to, I haven't done it in a while, and my body aches to start wonderful pieces. In the mean time, I sing and play music, but do not write anything new. My mind seems to be in a fog, I dont feel in the present, work all the time, I have not much time to sit back and enjoy what I have, or what I have accomplished. This seems to result in constantly anticipating the future. All of this to say, I absolutely need to create, I need to let go of the frustration, the sadness.
Most of you will say, you are sure lucky to have the talent and drive, the success, the security. Well I certainly agree, but I believe we all lack something. I am extremely greatful for all I have been through, and all I am going through, but who am I sharing this with?
No one.
This is no pitty me letter. It is simply to put words on what I am feeling. I have a lack of writing, and alot of drawing, but it is nice sometimes to specifically point out what you have in mind, and not abstractly wiggle your wrist from left to right.
Its been a little over a year now since my last and only love. I worked out my frustrations about falling for a madman and heartbreak caused by an impossible love, painting my poor mind away, writing it out in a tune, travelled my heart out to the other end of the continent. And then again, all of this madness was achieved one step at a time in solitude, the midnight rambler I am, the lone wolf I call myself is a little worn out from doing it all on my own.
So greatful to have achieved what I have this year, Ive travelled for the first time in my life, in complete solitude on an unfamiliar train, and unfamiliar route, to a never before seen city, I sought out after happiness, a new life, a new experience. It didn't turn out to be as I expected. That was the purpose, it was meant to change me in a drastic way. I came back happy and greatful, more than ever in my entire life.
I felt having nothing, I felt having no one at my side, no family or friends. I saw distress in the eyes of the jobless, I saw anger in the people I met, it was scary enough to see myself in them. I was so far away, yet I saw me in perfect strangers, 3000 miles away.
But I needed to be free, I needed to look beyond, and see nothing but open road, open hills and deserts.

Every day I come a little closer to knowing myself better.

All I want to say is that the solitary year has been an intense ride, and hopefully will come to an end, at least for a little while.
I have grown extremely strong, but having someone stronger at my side holding me through the cold night would be an even greater gift, for I would like to feel the vulnerability I felt one year ago when I wasn't quite alone
Only this time, it wouldn't be for saying something innapropriate, but for not being able to open the pickle jar.