Love

For the past two weeks, I have been researching and reading up on the phenomenon of soul ties for a presentation I’ve been asked to give on relationships. The teachings of soul ties are beneficial to anyone who has ever felt abandoned, neglected, angry, bitter, and/or confused while involved in an intimate relationship. To be honest, I’ve been following the phenomenon of soul ties for several years and have been able to contribute many of my struggles to the ties that I have developed, with men, over the years.read more » » » »

Before I continue right where I left off from the last article, there are a few things I need to say that women should never take for granted:

* The bliss of vacation sex… never, and I mean NEVER conk out early on a hotel bed otherwise, you’ll never be invited again.* The upper-body strength of men—hey, I’m a feminist, but that couch ain’t gonna move itself* Your fertile years… yea-yea, I know it’s un-P.C. to say so, but it’s true* The great guy who never takes YOU for granted* Your partner’s sex face… it may not be pretty, but at least you know he’s satisfied* Fork me, spoon me… get the picture?* Slightly dirty text messages throughout the day—it’s all about the buildup (see other article regarding this)* And lastly, the Trojan Vibrating Ring. Fun and orgasm inducing.

You know, I’ve got to say, I never really knew what great sex was until… I stopped trying to be sexy. That’s right. I thought that good sex relied on fundamentals like: steamy glares, artful hair whipping, and a myriad of passionate cries of ecstasy. And believe me, I had it all down to a science until I got serious with my now husband of 28 years. Prior to that, other guys had either enjoyed the show or were just too wrapped up in their own show to care about my pleasure. And ladies, especially you women with long hair; be very careful about whipping your hair around. Things might go awry and you might knock yourself unconscious; he will laugh at you, because now the act is more slapstick burlesque than sexual art.

Most men, believe it or not, espouse the virtues of simple, unadorned pleasure; they prefer true intimacy and bliss. So this is not the time to start stressing about whether your ass is well built or did you wax enough “down there” or if your breasts are sagging or not. Then there’s the smell factor: how one smells in bed could be a deal breaker. After a shower or bath, women tend to smother their natural scent with sprays and oils. This ritual has marred many a sex lives. First of all, if you spritz “down there” with perfume, it will irritate and burn your partner, especially if he’s not wearing a condom. And since you know that your partner will be “putting in work” by “going down” on you; you start worrying if “eau de stink” is wafting from your nether regions, so you spray “down there” with perfume… damn near killing him because he’s ingesting the perfume; and/or his attempts are met with locked legs. Ladies, simply let your inhibitions go. Inhale deeply, and savor the musk of your mingling scents.

And don’t forget to scream for me, okay?

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A.G. Thornton is a writer an author of FAMILY, FRIENDS, HUSBANDS and LOVERS… THE BEST OF ENEMIESwww.sixela.net.

Do you remember your two big firsts? I remember mine like they were yesterday.

My first kiss was at the age of fifteen. It was with the most gorgeous guy who I will call Mark.

While visiting me one day, we were watching television and during the first commercial he leaned in and kissed me. I remember that while it was happening I felt as if I was floating above my body, watching the entire moment unfold. It was truly magical, and I can honestly say that to this day no kiss has ever matched the one I shared that day with Mark.

As for my other big first, it was a very forgettable experience. I think my expectations may have been a bit too high. I truly expected my first time to be like what I had seen in the movies. I expected it to be super romantic and last for hours and hours. Sadly, it was not very romantic and at best it lasted for 30 minutes… tops.

I was twenty at the time and remember feeling a great loss- like I would never be able to get this moment back. My partner, who I will call by his real name (lol), Guy, was very happy with himself when it was over. He really thought he had put in work. I mean sucking my nipples through my heavy ass sweater, did he really think that was a hot experience for me? Uggg!

I won’t even talk about his complete lack of knowledge of the female body. Hello… my clit’s over here (lol).

Ok, let me stop before this becomes a bashing-my-ex post.

Anyway ladies, answer the question. Which Was Better: Your First Kiss of Your First Time?

Trey Songz dropped his fourth studio album, Passion, Pain & Pleasure, Tuesday and I still haven’t gotten pass the second radio single, Can’t Be Friends. He most certainly hit the nail on the head with a topic that most people have experienced at least once. No cosign?

With an ugly face, pouted lips and raised hands, I’ve found myself singing the song as if I penned the lyrics myself. I’ve most certainly been there. I’ve been the friend that gave in and ultimately wished we never ‘did it’ because when it was all said and done, we could never get back to the friendship we once cherished. We both fell too deep, too fast and when we finally came up for air it was apparent that nothing would ever be the same again.

It’s one of those situations when you know you shouldn’t go there but either the curiosity is too intense or the other person guarantees you that “it” would be different. So you roll the dice and when you wake up in the morning you glance over at your friend and hope nothing changes. After all, lovers should be friends first. Right?

Sure. But friendship or no friendship, it always changes! Sex changes everything! Emotions change everything. And just as in a court of law, verbal agreements between friends never really guarantee anything because someone is going to re-nig on their promise to not change, get caught up or catch feelings.

I’d be lying if I said I never thought about my former friend and often wished our situation had ended differently. I haven’t found a friend like him since. I miss laughing about our inside jokes and hanging out. Yet on the other hand, I’d be lying if I said I never loved what we became. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy when a crush became a chance to drown in a bottomless ocean of love.

But eventually we discovered that being lovers was harder than being friends. The effort, time and responsibility was completely different and we finally realized we weren’t ready for that kind of commitment. We tried to shift back to friends and found it almost impossible.

So we called it quits. It took years to recover. It took years for a ‘just because’ text or happy birthday message to not lead to something else. And while after many years, we ‘ve learned to be cordial, its certainly apparent that we’ll never be friends again. At least not like it used to be.

I stood outside a D.C. restaurant a few weeks ago wondering if I were really ready to face three former friends. Walking away would show that my pride was still stronger than my love for them, walking in would hopefully show that I was finally ready to bury the hatchet. I walked in.

I was nervous and a bit uncomfortable but when I saw the three of them sitting at the bar I realized how much I missed them. After all, I’ve been through it all with these girls; high school, college, careers, men, vacations and everything in between. We have stories, pictures and memories for days.

In the prime of our friendships I thought nothing was strong enough to separate us but with time we began growing as women, liking different things and even different people. Then ultimately our differences began to influence our lack of tolerance for each other and then as they say “all hell broke lose.”

This person couldn’t be in the same room as that person. One large group became two small groups. Some acted better than others. Others turned and twisted conversations so much that by time it got around the group, people who were once ‘like family’ couldn’t stand each other. What followed next was nothing but drama, scandal, foolishness, betrayal and hurt people.

That night as we talked over dinner, it was apparent how each of us had been hurt. The more we talked about the things that occurred it was also obvious that each issue had a cause and effect. An action and a reaction. I realized that if a hurt person isn’t immediately tended to, that hurt will cycle itself and form a social and emotional virus that will spread within the hurt person and the people around them.

Its true. One friend was hurt by a comment that she heard I made. Had she called me on it immediately, she would have known that the comment was taken out of context. But she didn’t. Instead, she reacted in a way that once it got back to me—hurt like hell. My disbelief and shock that she was capable of treating me the way she did, hurt me so much that I couldn’t find it in myself to call her. So it took us months to clear up something that could have been resolved in a matter of minutes.

Hurt people hurt people. Even if it isn’t intentional. Even if it isn’t direct. It still hurts and an unattended wound can damage a body or in our case, a friendship.

One thing I credit brotha’s for—they can argue and be normal again the next day. Women take a lot more work. We’re a lot more emotional and vulnerable. We have a higher level of expectations in our friendships which is why one bad move can cause so much harm.

Like any relationship, friendships take work and in my case—courtesy calls. My friendsdhips and connections with people should be strong enough where I have the courtesy to call them if their love and loyalty has come into question.

What I’ve learned in life is that some friends are phases and with time and maturity you’ll learn to let them go but others are lifelong commitments that you have to learn to work through.

I’m glad I walked into the restaurant that night. It’s not an overnight process, but each day I grow closer to the women I want to be and she is one who learns to forgive, trust and love even when the odds are against her.

It’s as simple as that. Isn’t it? Yet for some reason we allow ourselves to be woo’d by the power of wordplay so much that it blocks our intuition and clouds our judgement. It’s the fact that we trust and love each other so much, that the simplest words that come from our mouths can be enough validation for a temporary relief.

But temporary is just that, it’s a quick fix.

You know the quick fixes. The things we say to shut each other up. The things men tell women when they don’t feel like hearing her nag or the things women say when she’s over dealing with an emotional man.

“I love you baby and I’m gonna change!”

“I will never do that again, I swear!”

“I will make more time for us, I promise!”

“I will never cheat again, I’m forreal!”

Haven’t we all heard or said these things before?

And maybe things did change for a few weeks but in most cases they slowly shifted right back to the problem.

That’s because we know exactly what people need to hear and when. And sometimes we have every intention to act on our verbal promises but our actions just don’t agree. And other times we tell you what you want to hear just because we don’t want anyone else to have you.

So what do you do?

You always believe an action over a word. When a person’s words do not match their actions, it’s the most obvious red flag and reason to run. Don’t wait around for the two to match; that may never happen.

People will tell you what you want to hear, so instead of always demanding the verbal truth, hold yourself high enough to expect it in actions.

You want someone who will love you by thought, word and deed. After all, aren’t you worth it?

There is a trend among celebrities and people in general where they feel that when you are in a relationship, in order to seal your love for each other you should get a tattoo of the other person’s name. Instead of getting married and letting the world know that you are committed to each other, it is thought that a tattoo better represents that commitment. Huh? I say if you have to get one at least wait till after you have said your I do’s. That of course does not guarantee that you won’t regret the tattoo later, ( look at Nas and Kelis) but at least you won’t look as stupid… Continue Reading →