Let’s Recast The Bachelorette Guys As Their Celebrity Doppelgängers

Remember celebrity doppelgänger week on Facebook? It was a revealing time, when we all got to learn which blond, toned, tan celebrity each of our friends thought they most resembled. It was really illuminating. It wasn’t taken as seriously as it ought to have been, as far as I’m concerned, so I’m taking steps to make it a real thing in real life again.

But naturally I didn’t want to use myself as the subject. It’s pretty clear that I look like a cross between Megan Fox and Natalie Portman except not so terribly ugly, so we’ll have to find someone else to bear this heavy burden. And since The Bacheloretteis airing part one of its two-part, four HOUR finale tonight, who better to set our sights on than the male contestants on that show? (Or at least the sixteen of them whom Desiree Hartsock kept around long enough for me to remember one single about them.

Unfortunately, they all look fairly similar, but I’m also not friends with any of them on Facebook, so they’ll never know what I think of them. So let’s hop to this, you guys — these fellas aren’t gonna doppelgang themselves, y’know? (Apologies for how gross that sounded.)

1. BEN - Sean AstinIf this swap were to take place, I’m imagining a lot of conversations like, “Okay, but you didn’t even talk to Frodo on Easter Sunday. So stop pretending in front of Des that you’re so obsessed with him.”

3. BRANDON - Sean William Scott
This is only the first of many blasts from your teen movie past. And do I understand that it’s a bit of a reach? Yes, I do. But they have similar mischievous smiles, so get over it.

5. BROOKS - Johnny Depp
Johnny Depp is certainly more attractive than Brooks, but they still do look pretty similar to me. Right? Maybe? Just don’t tell Des what you decide, since she’s clearly already chosen him as the winner and I don’t want to interrupt her reverie.

6. BRYDEN - Shrek
Sorry not sorry. You decide to leave the show mid-some-other-guy’s-date, you accept the fact that somewhere down the line, your appearance may be compared to a great green CGI ogre. Them’s the breaks.

8. DAN - Don DraperNo, not Jon Hamm, I mean the actual Don Draper. With his slicked-back, immovable hair, square-forehead and straight, even teeth, Dan seems to have been born in the wrong decade. Although if he were swapped out with Don, they wouldn’t have a show, because Des would’ve chosen him on the first night.

9. DREW - Cary Elwes
Don’t you dare sit here and try to pretend you don’t know who that is. He’s the guy from Princess Brideand he actually looks A LOT like Drew, so shut up and fetch me that pitcher, farm boy.

10. JAMES - Deena Cortese
Again, if you’re gonna act like a total d-wad, don’t be surprised when I point out that you look strikingly similar to one of the girls on JerseyShore. On the plus side, the other guys might like you more this way, because you’re a total blast in a glass.

12. KASEY - Zac Efron
This is a bit of a stretch as well, okay? I admit it. I find it works best if you squint your eyes and imagine that they’re both part chinchilla. Then these two look much more similar.

13. MICHAEL G. - Breckin Meyer
This is your second blast from the past. This is not a drill. Remember Breckin, though? He had a wide, friendly smile and made blessedly few attempts to bring his law degree to everyday conversations in order to add drama…so I think this would be a welcome swap.

15. ZACK K. - Seth Meyers
Zack has a hint of someone else in him, as well, that I can’t put my finger on, and I wouldn’t want him anywhere near the Weekend Update desk, but all in all a fairly successful doppelganging, wouldn’t you say?

16. ZAK W. - The SituationAnd this one. This is my crowning glory. Just watch Zak’s behavior in one episode and tell me I’m not a complete genius. I dare you.Plus I got two Jersey Shore references in the same post, so I am really killing it today.