All Books, All the Time. Come check out the Dew for spotlights, reviews, excerpts, author Q & A's and news about upcoming literary festivals and the such. Daily book news on Facebook/kinahlindsay.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

The Spite Fence

A well-meaning neighborhood homeowners’
association seeks to mediate the early stages of the great Hatfield-McCoy feud.

_______________________________________

The Spite Fence

by James Vachowski

Melissa Block,
Esq.

Tug River
Valley HOA, LLC

P.O. Box 2091

Williamson, WV, 25661

7 January 1865

Mr. William Anderson Hatfield

53 Riverview Terrace

Williamson, WV, 25661

Dear Mr. Hatfield:

Thank you for your continued correspondence,
most recently of 12 December 1864.We
apologize for the delays, but several of your inquiries required a significant
amount of research before proper responses could be drafted.Although the many bylaws of the Tug River
Valley Homeowner’s Association provide an invaluable framework for the harmony
and well-being of our planned community, they are also quite thorough.

I thank you for your patience, and would
ask that you please see below for formal answers to your requests:

1)Regarding the recent addition of an enclosed
hog pen to your backyard, we regret to inform you that this structure does not
conform to our established standards for property modification, as all permanent
or semi-permanent structures must be properly vetted and permitted at a meeting
of the Neighborhood Beautification Committee prior to construction. These meetings are held bi-weekly on Tuesday
evenings at the picnic area behind the playpark, weather permitting.You should also be aware that per Chapter XIX
of our bylaws, subsection viii, each household in Tug River Valley is limited
to a maximum of two (2) domesticated animals.In light of these restrictions, your present husbandry operation will
need to cease immediately.

2)Regarding your inquiry into the
availability of the Amenity Center on Saturday, 15 June, I am happy to report
that the Center is currently open for booking on that date.Please return the enclosed reservation form
with your non-refundable deposit of one silver dollar and we will reserve a
four hour block for your event.I regret
to inform you, however, that while your plans for a joint family reunion and wedding
sound absolutely lovely, we cannot accommodate your request to have shotguns
present (or any other type of firearm, for that matter) due to the restrictions
of our liability insurance policy.Also,
while we do permit the moderate consumption of alcoholic beverages near the
pool area, it will be your responsibility to ensure that all guests refrain
from consuming moonshine out of glass containers.

3)Finally, regarding your pending
application for a variance on the height of your privacy fence, we regret to
inform you that this request has been denied.Community bylaws strictly limit the height of perimeter fences to a
maximum of six feet, with no exceptions.You should also be aware that any new fencing must adhere to our pre-approved
styles, in keeping with the overall appearance and image of our upscale, gated community.Examples of such would be white vinyl picket
or aluminum faux stockade.As listed in
your variance application, “spite” is neither an approved material nor style.

As a valued resident of the Tug River
Valley neighborhood, your voluntary adherence to our covenants and restrictions
will ensure that our community remains a peaceful and desirable place to
live.As such, I invite you and your
neighbor Randolph McCoy to stop by the Amenity Center next Saturday evening at
8:00 pm for our monthly ice cream social.This gathering would be an ideal time for the three of us to discuss Mr.
McCoy’s recent concerns about the appearance and storage of your recycling
containers.As per our bylaws, residents
are required to pull their empty waste containers away from the curb no later
than 6:00 PM on the day of pickup, and also to store these containers out of
sight until 6:00 PM on the evening before the next scheduled collection
day.Failure to adhere to these
standards could lead to the assessment of a ten-cent fine, in addition to our standard
monthly regime fee.

Thank you for your prompt attention to
these matters, and for your continued support of the Tug River Valley community.

Very respectfully,

Melissa Block, Esq.

Tug River Valley HOA, LLC

Copies to:File, Mr. Randolph McCoy

Enclosure:Amenity Center reservation request form

_______________________________

BIO: James Vachowski works as a
quality assurance technician for an independent traveling circus, where he
strives to ensure that your next ride on the Cyclone is in full compliance with
most, if not all, applicable state safety regulations. When he’s not living his
dream of seeing the great people of this great country from the parking lots of
local shopping malls and Moose lodges, he writes fiction.

The day "Claire" from Lost mentioned me!

Pat Says:

Pat Conroy just told me that I take a foul art and give it a queenly air, then he kissed my hand.

Decatur Book Festival, 2014

Books that "Stuck"

In no particular order: Bill Bryson and James Herriot....I have re-read anything they write multiple times.We're All DamagedThe End of the World Running ClubHandmaid's Tale Watership DownRiversDesperation RoadBull Mountain The Stand The Poisonwood Bible Black Beauty The Road... read once, will never read again, but it stuck. Lonesome Dove Gone With The Wind....of course Earth Abides A Brave New World

NetGalley badges

Idgie

“She is too fond of books, and it has turned her brain.” —Louisa May Alcott