SQUIRREL SAGA UPDATE: Rodent Ruckus Resolved, Heroes Honored

EDITOR’S NOTE: The complete collection of Breaking News Alerts, Updates and Exclusives detailing the SQUIRREL SAGA are tagged squirrel and are archived in THE ATHENAEUM.

Edmonton, Alberta 1:30PM CST – The infamous “Hail of a Thousand Nuts” that has captivated the world’s attention since Friday afternoon has come to a peaceable resolution. Embattled Empire Avenue, Inc. CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS, hounded by accusations of of unfair squirrel labor practices, held a mid-morning press conference announcing the conclusion of the crisis, releasing the following statement:

“After discussions with Sir Rudiger, the squirrel infestation is over and he has been given a full-time permanent job with Empire Avenue.”

In a one-on-one with THE INFLUENCIER, (e)DUPS later continued,

“We are incredibly indebted to all the people who caught squirrels on the site this past weekend. [The help of Empire Avenue Influencers] was invaluable in staving off downtimes and other server calamities.”

While a settlement has been reached between the two parties, the exact details of the agreement between (e)SQRL and Empire Avenue, Inc. remain confidential. However (e)DUPS did explain that one of the conditions crucial to the outcome of the negotiations, was that Sir Rudiger’s stock be converted to an E-Class commodity, and that, in order to avoid any conflicts of interest or potential insider trading abuses, (e)SQRL be prohibited from purchasing any shares of other influencers, as is standard practice with all Empire Avenue employees.

(e)DUPS went on to explain that those who purchased stock in (e)SQRL received eaves in exchange for their stake in Sir Rudiger, at the last publically traded share price before the conversion to E-Class status occurred. He further noted that the Squirrel Aficionados Community will remain in existence for the foreseeable future.

Speaking privately with THE INFLUENCIER after the summit, Sir Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL looked back over his escapades lamenting,

“I believe that I raised awareness of the mistreatment of squirrels in the workplace. Perhaps I got a bit carried away.”EDITOR’S NOTE: It may have been our imagination, but this reporter could have sworn he heard (e)SQRL end his comment with a muttered, nearly silent whisper of “More to come.”

No word yet as to whether love-stricken squirrel stalker and pine tree perched poet, Eleanor Thibeau (e)LDYHXC has resumed her high altitude affair with her Brazil-nut eating beau.

THE INFLUENCIER would like to extend it’s gratitude to all those loyal readers who contributed to the coverage either by retweeting breaking news alerts, contributing quotes, opinions, sonnets or other hot tips for inclusion in our posts. We would especially like to thank:

Craig Miller (e)MILLER for his stellar reporting from the front lines of the rodent ruckus.

(e)DUPS, (e)SQRL and the rest of the Empire Avenue crew for providing extensive background, messages and tweets for both off and on-the-record attribution in various articles.

If you enjoyed the coverage provided by THE INFLUENCIER and would like to see more of this kind of journalistic excellence in the future, we encourage you to support our efforts by doing one or more of the following:

Each of the people or organizations listed below are in some way making a positive impact in the “Real World.” If you purchased stock in (e)DARING previously or during the crisis, consider selling 10 shares or 10% of your holdings in (e)DARING, whichever is greater, and use the proceeds from the sale to purchase shares of them in the Empire Avenue Online Influence Stock Market.

To find more people or organizations of this type, visit the Charities & Non-profits Community on Empire Avenue. Are you a involved with a non-profit or charity and are listed on Empire Avenue? Leave a comment with your ticker below, or let us know!

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