Our cable box blew the fuck up. Poof! Snap! Hiss! No cable! We sat there and stared at a black screen that said "ONE MOMENT PLEASE: this channel will be available shortly." And we waited many moments. And we fiddled with various remotes and cables.

(TIREWATCH 2006: Day 95, in which an angry mob of various remotes & cables attempt to drive the tire outside)

("TIRE SMASH!" says the tire. "TIRE HUNGRY!")

Anyway, we finally gave up and called the cable company.

The cable company said they'd send a Guy today, between 11 and 2.

SO, BACK THEN:

You email your boss and tell him you have to work from home for part of the day because you have to wait for the Guy.

You get a vague sense that he's irritated with you and then a telepathic shining of your next annual review all chopped to bloody hell in the office hallway, so you scramble and try to explain that you have SO MUCH WORK you can do from home, stuff that you can do BETTER from home, honestly, so working from home is pretty much the best thing you could do right now, super-responsible-employee-wise, and anyway, the Guy will probably get here right at 11 so you'll be in after lunch! That's not bad at all! See you soon, Mr. Best Boss Ever!

And then you sit there. ALL DAY. Until the Guy shows up at like, 3 p.m. And you've long since run out of any work to do, and there's not even any damn TV to watch, and you're hungry because there's no actual food in the house besides mayonnaise and you didn't dare go anywhere for lunch because you were waiting for the damn Guy, and now it's 3:30 and you still feel obligated to drive your ass to work because...I don't know...you've just always been crazy like that.

BUT NOW:

Baby goes down for a nap at 10:30 am. You jump in the shower, incredibly pleased with your incredible scheduling skillz.

Doorbell buzzes at precisely 10:37 am.

Oh. Shit.

You run around naked like a crazy naked banshee looking for clothes -- ANY FOOL ASS CLOTHES -- to throw on in order to answer the door, cursing yourself for not owning a stupid bathrobe, cursing the dog while attempting to administer Dog Whisperer behavior techniques to shut her the hell up, except that you can't remember if you are supposed to leash her, poke her, or simply scream at her like a naked banshee.

You finally grab a pair of your husband's shorts and one of his shirts from the closest laundry pile and answer the door, sopping wet, with shampoo in your eyes, panting and desperately holding the waistband of the too-big shorts that you didn't even take the time to ZIP UP, because you are stupid and very bad in even the most minor of crises. Dog runs outside. You chase.

The Guy enters the apartment, gingerly avoiding the big puddles of water you've tracked everywhere and politely averting his eyes away from you. You suddenly notice that you only buttoned one button on your shirt, but when you reach to close the wide-open shirt you forget about the shorts and they fall down to your knees.

Needless to say, there was no underwear in the laundry pile.

Guy asks if he should maybe come back in a few minutes.

You shrug helplessly. There is no point. There is no saving this encounter.

"I don't have dignity," you say. "I have a baby."

He nods thoughtfully, as if he understands. As if he's seen worse. He probably lying, but you get your cable back in time for The Price is Right.

You are so talented.
It is amazing how words come out that completely capture a situation so that there is visual, emotion, and all of those other intangibles that only the skilled wordsmith can produce.

All I hope is that you make up some of it, or stretch the truth, because I would feel badly if this realityTV really is your reality. But only bad a little 'cause you are the one who types and clicks "Post" after all =)

You. Slay. Me. I totally want to have your babies. Except for the part where that wouldn't work so well, given that you have the same parts that I have and are therefore anatomically capable of having babies your own damn self. Right. Except for that.

Hilarious, Amy! When I think of how many strangers and friends have seen me naked due to the various wardrobe malfunctions associated with motherhood, I blush a bit. And then I'm amazed by how little I care.

This makes me feel so much better about the time the realtor guy who was listing our house showed up while I was play-wrestling with my totally naked (we were potty training) two year old, and giving said two year old big noisy zerbits on his naked tummy while he laughed hysterically...

Did I mention the front door was open and we were right in front of it? I looked up to see realtor guy watching with a smirk on his face. Asshat.

But now? I feel so much better because at least it wasn't ME naked, just a two year old who couldn't have cared less.

This has so happened to me but it involved an a/c repair man and a bare ass. I thought I was so quick as to throw on a thong & a sun dress when he arrived early when I was getting out of the shower. Turns out I need lessons in dressing myself because my dress was tucked into my thong and I spent the entire time he was there with my ass hanging out, bending over and had no clue because my apartment was hotter than hell, so there was no draft to alert me to my exposed skin. I had no clue until I walked past a mirror long after he was gone.

I can totally relate to this. I live in a three-story rowhouse, and it's sometimes really hard to hear a knock at the door, so if I'm expecting a cable guy or Fedex guy or something, I usually put a freaking NOTE on the door saying "Please knock loudly! I am home! I am waiting for this package/cable repair/etc so please don't leave! If I don't answer, call the house phone, I will have it with me at all times!"

Besides the fact that all the bums in Baltimore now have my home phone number, the cable/fedex/etc guy ALWAYS seems to come when I'm in the middle of peeing or taking a shower or getting dressed. And I'll be so paranoid that he's going to leave after I've been waiting around all day, clutching the phone, listening for anything that might be a knock on the door, that I'll run over to the window and thrown it open and yell down "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE! I'M COMING! I'M COMING!"

Okay, now I don't feel quite as bad about the time the Mormon Missionaries showed up on my doorstep and looked in the front-door-window to see my desperately attempting to cover myself with a towel on my way to the laundry room to get clean panties.

At least I'm pretty sure that they had to repent of seeing a mostly-naked woman later. The cable guy, though? Oh, poor poor Amalah....

hehehehe...Love it! I doubt I would have even heard the doorbell. And will now be taking my robe in the bathroom with me more often—as opposed to leaving it in the bedroom and walking naked to the bathroom.

The highlights of my experience:
1) College roomate had been gone for many weeks (illness)
2) Bedroom door wide open, large pile of clean laundry, drippy me searching for a towel or underwear
3) Very loud "I'll come back later!" as I turnaround to see roomate's father standing in the hall!

That is the funniest thing I've read it weeks! Thank you, thank you for sharing your embarassing moments with the world! ('Cuz even though we all have them, most of us are not NEARLY as good as turning them into humor as you are!)

"I don't have dignity,I have a baby."
Could be a truer statement was never spoken.
And I laughed my self into a asthma attack with this one! Thanks, I'll just go suck down some more inhaler now and keep it on hand for when I reread this

I spent the past 24 hours in airports trying to get to my dying grandmother's bedside. This is the first laugh I've had all day. Thank you! It felt good to just laugh out loud.
BTW, I hate all cable companies and Houston, TX. If you are ever stuck in IAH, sit outside the President's club in Terminal C and you can steal their wifi signal while shaking your fist at the weather gods.

It is a really good thing that it's not required to post your address with your blog. Tomorrow you'd wake up to thousands of packages containing new bath robes. I think that would only be fun for the first few boxes.

I've thrown out the no dignity line/have baby thing also. Amazing how fast that comes out of the mouth after having a baby or 3. :)
I bet you brightened the cable guys day!

Snorfle... giggle... snort... cheerios coming out my nose laughing! You are priceless and I MUST re-submit my request that you move to my town and be my best friend (I say this in only the most non-stalker-ish, I'm-a-geek-that-would-fall-all-over-myself-if-I-met-you-in-person-telling-you-how-cool-you-are-and-can-I-be-just-like-you-while-laughing-too-loud-and-talking-too-fast-in-your-presence kind of way).

Yes, Amalah, you need to go to Target and get a $687 robe (and plug-ins just for fun). And feed the poor tire for god's sake. It's looking a little... well... flat.