Who is this combover shithead poking his head nervously around the corner? Why, it’s none other than Joseph Cassano, who should be high up on everyone’s list for a little game hunting this weekend. Joseph Cassano, the thief who created AIG’s Financial Products division–that’s the division that racked up $500 billion in losses. Yep, that’s half a trillion dollars–enough to provide health care for tens of millions of Americans, all gone–poof! All because of this fuckhead named Joseph Cassano. He’s doing fine though, thanks for asking–he’s got all the health care he needs and then some, thanks to the fact that while he bequeathed to us a half trillion dollar bill, he pocked for himself about $315 million. Plus after he was forced out of AIG last year, he awarded himself a $1 million monthly pension. That’s $1 million permonth. Meanwhile, we’ve dropped $170 billion into AIG and that’s just so far, to clean up his mess… and we had to cough up another $450 million the other day to pay big fat bonuses to Cassano’s former colleagues in his Financial Products division. They must love Joe there!

But as awful as this sounds, at least there’s a silver lining to this story. A silver lining smeared with blood and cum, that is: yes, Joseph Cassano may soon be gagging on a heapin’ helpin’ o’ prison cock.

That’s right, according to the good folks at TPM, both the Justice Department and Britain’s Serious Fraud Office are pursuing criminal investigations into the way Cassano hid losses, lied to investors and the public, and forced one AIG accountant to resign, and forced Price Waterhouse to lay off the prying eyes, when they were on his trail of fraud. Latest news is that Cassano has hired himself a famous white-collar crime lawyer, F. Joseph Warin.

M’mmm, that’s a mighty perty mouth you’ve got there, Joe!

Maybe he’d be better off hiring himself a dentist to remove his teeth? Because we hear that the first thing they do to a guy like Cassano in prison is bash out all his teeth to make fucking his mouth a little easier. Joe, you might want to read this site, Men Can Stop Rape, just to get acquainted. Because you know, prison rape is no laughing matter. Unless it happens to you. Then it’s a screamer!

UPDATE: Ah, the good news just keeps a’-pourin’ in, folks. The New York Post published the names of three scared-shitless AIG pigs who gave themselves bonuses from taxpayer money. Their names are: James “Jackpot Jimmy” Haas, Douglas Poling and Jonathan Liebergall. Haas and Poling both live in Fairfield, Connecticut, while Liebergall lives in New Canaan, Connecticut. Here’s a photo of Haas outside his multi-gazillion-dollar Fairfield home, just in case you want to ID your target:

David Poling, who pocketed a $6.4 million bonus, relaxes in this mansion located up the street from his pal Jimmy’s, at Golden Pond Lane, Fairfield, CT. Google It!

So while Andrew Cuomo goes over the plusses and minuses of releasing the list of AIG bonus thieves (plusses: they suffer horribly; minuses: still thinking…), meanwhile, AIG’s employees are shitting in their pants and expecting the worst. Supposedly so scared that they’re actually doing what we want them to: both Haas and Poling are giving their money back, or so they say. That’s no reason not to ding-dong ditch them, but it does prove once again that violence works.

Here’s a memo that AIG sent out to its employees showing how scared shitless they are. Kinda looks like a memo that Americans visiting Iraq might receive–which means Americans are finally doing something right in the class war. Here’s the memo, this is pure Jiffy Pop popcorn fun to read:

Ah, it’s a joyous day in Mudville when the pigs who’ve been raking in billions at our expense are so scared that they have to hide who they are, whom they work for, and what they do!

And according to today’s New York Times, it’s not just AIG’s employees who are scared shitless. So are Bank of America’s:

An executive at Merrill Lynch, where bonuses have also come under fire, said that some employees had asked whether the firm would cover the cost of private security for them.

If you want to sign up for the bus tour, click here. No seriously, this thing is really happening. So you can see exactly where the pigs live. You know, in case you’d wanna go back and visit them, sing them Christmas Carols, borrow some butter, whatever. But no funny stuff. Oh no, perish the thought, as the bus tour leader himself insists:

“We’re going to be peaceful and lawful in everything we do,” said Jon Green, the director of Connecticut Working Families. “I know there’s a lot of anger and a lot of rage about what’s happened. We’re not looking to foment that unnecessarily, but what we want to do is give folks in Bridgeport and Hartford and other parts of Connecticut who are struggling and losing their homes and their jobs and their health insurance an opportunity to see what kinds of lifestyle billions of dollars in credit-default swaps can buy.”

Yup. What you do after you see their billionaire lifestyles is really none of our business. Ultimately, only the executives are responsible for their own personal safety.

We at eXiled Online have already proposed a similar bus, but a much better bus, for AIG’s executives. A bus that could take care of this problem cleanly, efficiently, and in an environmentally-friendly manner. They’re Chinese-made buses, and they come equipped with lethal injection tables. We’re pretty hopeful that tomorrow’s bus ride is just a warm-up, and that the next time around, it’ll be a fleet of Chinese-made “Banker Recycling Vehicles” cruising Connecticut’s billionaire-rows, pruning the population to save us a lot of tax dollars that would otherwise go to their future bonuses and pensions, and also give the beleaguered kangaroo mouse, or whatever it is that’s endangered there, a little more room to scurry around in.

It’s been a great week for us in the Great Class War. Let’s hope we have more like them, only better.

But I get what you’re saying, ghost: Cruel and unusual punishment is acceptable only as a lower-middle-class lifestyle; Evil bureaucrats who force millions into a life of cruel and unusual fear, humiliation, and alienation should be spared it because, if they could make hundreds of millions of undeserved dollars without bringing down the entire economy, hey, they’d much rather to that.

8. Dweeb | March 20th, 2009 at 12:24 pm

Somehow I expected their houses to be bigger… maybe with gargoyles.

9. Alan Greenspan is not a neocon | March 20th, 2009 at 12:31 pm

None of this malice would be justified if they had just let AIG go under. Why didn’t they just let it collapse? Why dump a half trillion into it to keep it afloat? I’m just as angry about the Bush administration morons and the tools at the Federal Reserve and the Treasury who bailed it out as I am about these crooks. But then again they tend to be the same crowd.

10. Jason Wolfe | March 20th, 2009 at 1:28 pm

We didn’t let AIG collapse because they insured all the banks. The Credit Default Swaps were bought by banks to cover their risky loans. If AIG went down, the rest of the banking system would go down with it. Cascading financial catastrophe pretty much.

11. Agnus Anus | March 20th, 2009 at 2:11 pm

The Great Class War? Fuck me. Don’t you people at the Exiled realize that those fuckhead Cassanos, Madoffs, etc., are mere casualties of a great turf war called competition? Remember the Lebowski movie you used to like to make references to? Look at the bottom line. Who stands to collect from the AIG fall? Do you really think that the government, no matter whether it’s Republican or Democratic, will go ahead and prosecute/reprimand anyone of this status unless there’s someone who paid some serious cash, fucking literally, to have it done? The U.S. is no Mexico, you can’t just wack someone from the rival cartel out in the street. But you can always pay to make a Madoff out of him.

12. Fissile | March 20th, 2009 at 2:29 pm

What’s all this nonsense about buses with “injection tables”? The Nazis routed the exhaust back into the passenger compartments on their prisoner buses. Then again, the Nazis had no fun at all, and the Nazis were total losers. So yeah, I see your point. This should be done American style, slow, with all the fake pretense to being “humane” as possible. My bad. I’m just one of those Nazi-loving twerps.

13. Anonymous Coward | March 20th, 2009 at 4:06 pm

Look, as to the prison jokes, I feel that I’m more likely to end up in prison than any of these guys. Also, I don’t know if there is such a thing as Club Fed, but I know for sure that’s not where I would end up. So, hearing about the abuse these guys would suffer in prison doesn’t make me either feel some kind of righteous rage or pity for them… I just don’t think it will happen to them the way it will for the average working class guy. It strikes me as some kind of weird faux bravado.

The truth is the prison system in this country is as brutal as it is because it is intended as a tool of class warfare by people like these guys against the rest of us. Hey, it prevents things like effective labor activity, which in a country where labor is suppressed like this one really requires sabatoge and violent intimidation. Sorry, that’s how they did it in the last guilded age, not binding arbitration.

For this reason, I believe they’ll somehow be protected.

Let’s say they do suffer, does that magically clear up my debts? Does it bring back a single job shipped over seas?

My ex-felon girlfriend made a point, in their position, she too would take the money and run. Why not? If they aren’t somehow protected from on high by the prince of darkness, then money would be their only protection. If they are so protected, why not say a big “fuck you” to the people they normally wouldn’t deign to acknowledge anyway.

Now, an actual violent rebellion from the people, might have interesting political effects. But prison? The American “justice” system, “Please don’t throw us into the briar patch!” I expect these guys says. They’ll probably get mansion confinement and community service, if that.

14. captain america | March 20th, 2009 at 4:45 pm

no one really responded to ghost’s comment, unless you count the few strawmen thrown out in the next few posts.

it would be wrong to wish rape or getting teeth knocked out on anyone. several years breaking rocks or something like that i could wish on these guys, but prison rape crosses the line into cruel and unusual whether or not you like the victim.

couldn’t think of any hip-sounding way to say that…sorry about that.

15. wengler | March 20th, 2009 at 5:20 pm

It sucks that a dirty rightwing rag like the Post beat everyone else to the punch, but I think it is a sign of things to come. The rats that get out ahead and identify their former friends as enemies will be the only ones left standing at the end of this.

If you work at AIGFP chances are you are beyond redemption. But say turn in your bonus and start reporting on your fellow employees and you could become the hero. Which is a good thing to do. Talk, talk and talk some more. You can be the new king rat.

Any moron that decides to keep the bonus will get what is coming to him. Hell, people were cheering some real mean fucks during the Depression because they decided to rob banks during their murder sprees. Don’t think that we would be crying if one of these guys houses got burned down, or even if some of his family got killed with it. Maybe don’t kill any dogs, that would be going too far. But these guys should be shitting in their pants everytime they go outside.

Let’s see which of them call the cops first on this bus tour that is going into their neighborhoods. Rich fucks always think the cops are there to serve them. Let’s see if state budget cuts will make them less amenable in the cause of protecting those that ruined the economy.

16. Jim T. | March 20th, 2009 at 6:30 pm

Captain America, what kind of loser are you? We’re just wishing on them the kind of treatment they have helped legislate for the “lower classes”. Do you have any kind of idea what prison is actually like? Do you realize how incredibly corrupt our courts and criminal “justice” system is here in the US? The French had the right idea in their revolution, prison rape should be regarded as lenience for these scumbags.

17. AIG | March 20th, 2009 at 7:22 pm

These AIG guys are the true heroes. Fuck you america. These guys robbed you blind, you gonna do anything about it? Nahhh.

So good job to these guys, they found a way to make money. boo hoo, it hurts the american people. So what? This country is a jungle, all is permissable

18. aa | March 20th, 2009 at 9:05 pm

Prisons are expensive. let’s give these guys some AK-47s and ship them off to Afghanistan – they ruined our economy, maybe they could put their skills to good use and fuck up the Taliban for us? Hey, they win – we win, they loose – they get gang-raped at little or no cost to the US taxpayers.

19. captain america | March 20th, 2009 at 9:13 pm

a loser of the kind who thinks rape and removal of teeth as punishment for any crime are wrong in any case, i guess. a minority in these parts, it seems.

20. Greg Foreman | March 21st, 2009 at 6:49 am

Captain, they are just jealous of how the real crooks make the big bucks.

21. Cal | March 21st, 2009 at 6:58 am

Ahh, what about the Kingfish himself ? Mr. Hank Greenburg, AIG CEO. Former Vice Chairman of the Council on Foreign Relations, member of Brzezinski’s Trilateral Commission, former nominee by Reagan as Deputy Head of the CIA. Why go after the “technocrats” making millions when the top of the food chain making billions is still living large in New York and key Largo ? Perhaps he would like to hear some polite written complaints also ?

22. sansculotte | March 21st, 2009 at 12:34 pm

AIG, It’s “permissible” not “permissable”, asshole. If you want to be a good fascist you should at least be literate to distinguish yourself from the run of the mill brownshirts.

23. Pablito | March 21st, 2009 at 2:24 pm

Where’s your anger towards the bailout, Ames? Oh right, you’re on Obama’s cock. Forgot. Think he’s fighting your “class war”? Guess what Ames, the strong will always dominate the weak. If you’re weak, don’t cry like a bitch and spout Marxist bullshit, get strong. As someone said above, this country is a jungle. So’s the world. Deal with it.

Anyway, even if they don’t end up criminally charged (if they did indeed commit a crime other than being stupid and greedy), they’ll at the very least become career defendants from all sorts of lawsuits.

24. JFreshInEffect! | March 21st, 2009 at 2:39 pm

Be careful Ames. The whole class war thing can backfire very easily. The mob in western civ will almost always move to the right. Once they’re done with the bankers they settle they’re hatred of freedom loving liberal city slickers like myself. When capitalism is threatened it’s immune response is always true Facism(G.W. Bush, and Cheney, are not the true Right in america) The current US demographics don’t make them irevelant yet. Watch the Midwest!

25. jay | March 21st, 2009 at 4:38 pm

Ames,

This is grand stupidity in action on your part.

The people who everyone should be outraged at is congress, treasury, president.

These guys were running a casino, they can’t pay so they go bankrupt. People willingly betting in their casino, with the plan to rob taxpayer, go bankrupt, that is where the problem is.

You are just blaming the casino dealer and wishing all kinds of nasty things on him, while the real robbers are somewhere else.

26. AIG | March 21st, 2009 at 5:46 pm

the goal of any american, of any immigrant who ever set foot on this continent since Columbus has been to make as much money as possible, to amass as much security as possible.

You clowns think we’re in western europe. Go sing la marsaille you faggots. This is america.

The American game has always been the same. We count points with dollars. So you losers bow your heads to a real player, Joseph Cassano. Just because you guys have decided to buy into bullshit ideas like “socialism” or “rule of law”, and have become 30,000 dollar a year slaves does not mean you are better. On the contrary, you are losers.

So let me say it again, what are you going to about it america? Nothing, because Joseph Cassano IS america. Get it?

27. aleke | March 21st, 2009 at 8:48 pm

seeing these large-sized fish sizzle is not as rewarding knowing that there will be enormous, malicious fish out there long after the dust of the depression settles [like Cal @ comment 21 was pointing out].

but, hey, at least it’s another point to make against all of the happy-go-lucky idiots of the world. we’re suckers, trudging around in hell and misery no matter what we do

28. cobblers | March 22nd, 2009 at 10:30 am

Violence does work, and that’s why the ruling elite, who want force and violence to always only ever flow DOWN the hierarchy (buttressed by the laws on the statute books), never up the hierarchy, are hell bent on preventing people from realizing violence’s intrinsic efficacy and doing unto the rich fucks that got us into this mess the same treatment they’ve meted out to us.

Fuck I wish the younger generation had its Abbie Hoffmans. Even the CIA establishment forty years ago had its interesting characters, like James Jesus Angleton. Instead, now we’re being taken in by gutless pillocks like Cassano. I think I’ll go shoot myself.

29. captain america | March 22nd, 2009 at 10:38 am

many of you will feel tempted to attack AIG (the poster, i mean). if you do so, be sure to use fire- or acid-based weapons. otherwise, he will be able to regenerate any severed limbs. just sayin’.

So if we donate to your site does that mean you will consider changing comments that are idiotic? Is this your way of saving us from ourselves?

33. Realist | March 23rd, 2009 at 8:05 am

And to think your ancestors actually managed to boot out the brits, who were no lightweights either.

Europe signing off

34. Greg Foreman | March 23rd, 2009 at 1:43 pm

So I take that as a resounding “yes I can!” Speaking of “yes I can!” yes I can send you a nice chunk of donation change. Usually I’m pretty cheap, but I should put my money where my ass is and send you all the cash I can afford to. Which isn’t much, but don’t tell any of the corporate types whom I suck up to.

35. Ratko Mladic | March 23rd, 2009 at 5:03 pm

Here is a fun idea for the class war:

We should issue AIG playing cards featuring the top execs who took the bonuses – just like they did with Saddam and the Baathists in Iraq.

Cards should feature name, home address and how much they took.

36. aleke | March 23rd, 2009 at 5:44 pm

Good to see Greg Foreman continuously visiting the site and financially buttressing the cause. Maybe there’s hope for the masochistic fool after all!

Dear cobblers: Don’t let a good suicide go to waste. Take out a few AIG’ers with you 🙂

39. reader | March 25th, 2009 at 11:48 am

Oh how very dreary and pathetic. Meanwhile, the world continues to spin on its axis, and Ames is still someone I read and complain about, which kind of makes me an irrelevant cunt. If anyone even knew who I am : )

40. Gooftroop | March 25th, 2009 at 7:01 pm

What do you guys think of the Dear AIG, I Quit letter in the times? It sure convinced suckers like me that we really are attacking the innocent here. No, I’m serious. I really think that we should pity these poor AIG execs. They’re on our side, they only thing they wanted was to make a more prosperous America.

41. sansculotte | March 25th, 2009 at 7:05 pm

If anyone even knew who I am : )

Barack, that you?

42. AP | March 26th, 2009 at 3:38 am

Hey Ames, you big, brave Class Warrior! Why don’t you lead by example? Rather than egging people on from behind the safety of your blog, why don’t you go out there and, you know, get some hands-on AIG lynching action yourself? What’s that? Oh, you’re using your name and calling for this stuff, and you’ve got people reporting you to the FBI, and you’ve spent years facing death threats in Russia and you even had your paper shut down by the Kremlin? Yeah, well, so what. What I’m doing, posting a comment that essentially defends the plutocrats who are ripping me off, is also pretty brave in its own way. I’m not sure how it’s brave. Okay, it isn’t. But so what. I write a mean comment though, don’t you think?

43. Antropolog | March 27th, 2009 at 7:03 pm

Dweeb,

those are robber barons, not aristocrats. Gargoyles on mansions? What for? New rich prefer sheer quantity over quality.

You can bet, that with current housing crisis, these fucks went on buying spree all over States immediately after being paid out their 30 silvers…

44. aleke | March 29th, 2009 at 3:23 am

Hey! Yeah! I’m with the guys at the PR firm now! When are we gonna see YOU put your time, job, and reputation on the line to dig this stuff up? And WHEN am I going to get my tax cuts!! Socialist scum!

45. Jesus Christ | April 1st, 2009 at 6:57 pm

Fuck you, Mark.

46. Analsquirt In Yourmother | May 1st, 2010 at 7:02 pm

I am obsessed with the jew, because i am a master race guy. you can tell i’m from the master race because of my anonymous post on this site.

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