(show music plays)
Zach Galifianakis: Hi. Welcome to another
edition of Between Two
Ferns: The Oscar Edition.
Zach Galifianakis: This is part two. I would
like to welcome my first
guest
Zach Galifianakis: Jessica Chest Stain.
Jessica Chastain: Jessica Chastain.
Zach Galifianakis: Jessica is an actress. You
were nominated for Zero Dark Thirty.
Jessica Chastain: That's correct.
Zach Galifianakis: Zero Dark Thirty. Is that a movie
about Chris Brown?
Jessica Chastain: No.
Zach Galifianakis: How hard did you
fight to keep
Zach Galifianakis: all of the torture in
the film?
Jessica Chastain: Well, you know, it's really
Jessica Chastain: important that the film is as accurate as possible. So...
Zach Galifianakis: It's about capturing Bin Laden, Zero Dark Thirty.
Jessica Chastain: Yes.
Zach Galifianakis: Documentary?
Jessica Chastain: No, but...you know.
Zach Galifianakis: Who cares then? If it's not
the real thing.
Jessica Chastain: Yeah.
Zach Galifianakis: 'Cause you're just playing
somebody that actually caught him.
Jessica Chastain: Yeah.
Zach Galifianakis: It would have been nice to
get the actual person.
Jessica Chastain: Well, she's undercover in the
CIA, so...
Jessica Chastain: No one can know what she
looks like.
Zach Galifianakis: Well doesn't she look
like you?
Jessica Chastain: I can't tell you that.
Zach Galifianakis: So she looks like an average-looking
redhead with a weird dress on?
Jessica Chastain: Mm..
(music plays)
Zach Galifianakis: Oh, and they're playing
you off.
Jessica Chastain: It's done?
Zach Galifianakis: Yeah, you have to leave.
Jessica Chastain: Okay.
- Zach: Hello
- Sally: Hello
Zach Galifianakis: Hi. Welcome.
Sally Field: Thank you.
Zach Galifianakis: This is Sally Field
everyone.
Sally Field: Yes it is.
Zach Galifianakis: I had read that you gained 25
pounds for the movie?
Sally Field: Yeah, I did.
Zach Galifianakis: How did you do that?
Eat Anne Hathaway?
Sally Field: Hmm.
Zach Galifianakis: Do you look at a penny
differently now that
Zach Galifianakis: you've been in Lincoln?
Does that make...
Sally Field: I just have to say something
really, really honestly.
Sally Field: I hate pennies.
Sally Field: I hate them.
Zach Galifianakis: So, you're not Jewish?
Sally Field: I...not that I know of.
I think I'm Catholic.
Zach Galifianakis: Well, I'd like to thank Sally
Field for coming to the show.
Sally Field: Absolutely. Very, very
nice to be here.
Zach Galifianakis: And really, really, really
a pleasure.
Sally Field: Absolutely.
(Music Playing)
Sally Field: Thank you so much.
Thank you. We're going this way.
Zach Galifianakis: Well, I'm very very excited
about having my next guest
Zach Galifianakis: it's a real pleasure to
have him here
Zach Galifianakis: because he doesn't do a lot
of interviews, and he's chosen to be here.
Zach Galifianakis: Please welcome Daniel
Day-Lewis.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Hey there, how you doin'?
Zach Galifianakis: What are you doing here?
Zach Galifianakis: Oh. Emmanuel Day-Lewis.
Daniel Day-Lewis.
Zach Galifianakis: Thank you for
coming by.
Zach Galifianakis: Welcome Bradley Cooper.
Bradley Cooper: Hey.
Zach Galifianakis: Bradley, nice to see
you again.
Bradley Cooper: Nice to see you Zach.
Zach Galifianakis: I got your text about how
bummed out you were that it was the
Zach Galifianakis: start of Black History Month.
Zach Galifianakis: Are you nominated?
Bradley Cooper: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Zach Galifianakis: For what?
Zach Galifianakis: For...for best actor. Yeah.
Best Actor?
Zach Galifianakis: How's bragging camp going?
Zach Galifianakis: Well, I've written a speech.
Bradley Cooper: Really?
Zach Galifianakis: Since you haven't written a speech.
Yeah, I have wrote a speech.
Bradley Cooper: That's really thoughtful
of you.
Zach Galifianakis: Yeah, I did it 'cause
I know you're busy.
Bradley Cooper: That's really...thank you.
Zach Galifianakis: Yeah, that's it.
Bradley Cooper: Are you serious?
Zach Galifianakis: Yeah. Go ahead and test
it out.
Bradley Cooper: When did you write this?
Zach Galifianakis: Like uh, I spent a couple weeks on it.
Bradley Cooper: Thank you. I just called
Daniel Day-Lewis
Bradley Cooper: to congratulate him on
his victory.
Bradley Cooper: So, I wish that I had been
able to fulfill my dream of
Bradley Cooper: being a talented, respected actor.
Bradley Cooper: But the Academy has chosen
someone better.
Bradley Cooper: It just sucks I'm
a loser.
Zach Galifianakis: I'm gonna punch it up,
if you want me to?
Zach Galifianakis: In that speech you
don't win.
Bradley Cooper: You know you don't
make a concession speech.
Zach Galifianakis: You should.
Bradley Cooper: I just don't understand. It's
like, this is the first time in my life
Bradley Cooper: that I'm actually part of
something. And you know, you
Bradley Cooper: don't know what that means to
me, to be a part of something.
Bradley Cooper: That's like my achilles heel,
because I just want to be included.
Zach Galifianakis: Why don't you join the Boy
Scouts or something? If you
Zach Galifianakis: want to be a part of
something?
Bradley Cooper: What? I want to be a part of
this community.
Bradley Cooper: I found like, a fellow person that I fucking love.
Bradley Cooper: I used to go see your stand
up all the time.
Zach Galifianakis: It doesn't really play well.
You know what I mean?
Bradley Cooper: No.
Zach Galifianakis: You play this victim card
that you...
Bradley Cooper: I'm not being a victim!
Zach Galifianakis: Well then what are
you being?
Bradley Cooper: I thought I was being
friends! That's what
Bradley Cooper: friends...you fight with your
brother! I watch you fight
Bradley Cooper: with your brother
all the time!
(interposing voices)
Bradley Cooper: God! All you care about is
your goddamn show, man!
Zach Galifianakis: All you care about is
telling people...
Bradley Cooper: It's like all your fucking ferns man.
Bradley Cooper: It's a fucking joke!
I can't stand it!
Zach Galifianakis: You didn't just throw my
ferns at my face!
Bradley Cooper: Who gives a fuck? All you care about is ferns, and yourself,
Bradley Cooper: you fucking...
Bradley Cooper: I'm so sick of your fucking
ferns, man! It's fucking bullshit!
Bradley Cooper: Bullshit!
Bradley Cooper: I'll call you later.
(show music plays)
(music stops)
(show music starts again)