Game of Thrones Recap: Wedding-Bell Booze

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this drunken disappointment and this child prisoner in unholy — though financially and powerfully expedient — matrimony. After all, what would Game of Thrones be without a few unwilling pawns? Elsewhere, Gendry has a bloody bad time in bed and Khaleesi meets someone almost as pretty as she is – and she likey. Let’s look at the major developments that take place in “Second Sons.”

HOUSE STARK: IN-THE-HOUND’S-POUND EDITION| When Arya wakes before the Hound, she grabs a big rock and hefts it above her head, prepared to brain him with it. Without opening his eyes, he informs her she has one shot – and if she doesn’t kill him, he’ll break both of her hands. She thinks better of her impromptu plan, and they take off on horseback. She assumes he’s going to bring her back to King’s Landing, but after some salty language regarding Cersei and Joffrey, his plan becomes clear: He’s going to ransom Arya to her family at the Twins, where Catelyn and Robb will soon arrive for Edmure’s wedding. He makes a point of telling her that he also saved her sister a couple of times, though Arya is dubious.

HOUSE STARK: SOON-TO-BECOME-HOUSE-LANNISTER EDITION| Speaking of Lady Sansa, Tyrion asks for a moment alone while she’s getting dressed for their wedding. When everyone else – including Shae, who could power a small city with the fury she wordlessly directs his way in this episode — is out of the room, Tyrion assures his bride that after they say their vows, she’ll no longer be a prisoner; she’ll be his wife. Same diff, her face says. It’s a terrible, well-acted scene, with Peter Dinklage conveying earnest concern when Tyrion promises Sansa he won’t hurt her. He even manages to coax a smile out of her. Aw, that’s nice… but they are both still so ridiculously screwed.

At the ceremony, Margaery cozies up to Cersei, taking her arm and saying that because they’ll soon be sisters, “We should be friends.” The Queen stares at her future daughter-in-law with the kind of disgust she usually reserves for non-alcoholic beverages or sex with someone with whom she didn’t share amniotic fluid. Joffrey’s mama tells a cautionary tale that foretells doom for House Tyrell, then finishes with, “If you ever call me ‘sister’ again, I’ll have you strangled in your sleep.” Ha!

As Margaery recoils from her verbal beat-down, the bride enters. Sansa’s holding it together pretty well, considering she’s a political prisoner who’s being frog-marched down the aisle by the person responsible for turning her father into a ghastly lollipop. Yep, Joffrey can’t leave any tiny moment unsullied for his favorite torture subject, so he squires her to the altar and then removes a nearby stool, making it necessary for Sansa to stoop down so Tyrion can place the ceremonial cloak of his protection around her shoulders. The audience starts to snicker at the sight gag, but a sharp look from Tywin shuts that business down.

The wedding feast is a joyless affair punctuated by the groom’s rampant drunkenness and Joffrey’s promise to rape the bride after her new husband passes out. (Joff, in the future, a Crate & Barrel gift card is a much more appropriate gift. Also, I hate you.) Not long after Tyrion declares himself “the god of t-ts and wine,” his father orders him to take Sansa to their quarters and knock her up. Joffrey goes one step farther, calling for a start to the bedding ceremony, which involves stripping Sansa naked in front of everyone at the party and then carrying her off to the bedroom. Tyrion says no, then threatens to do serious bodily harm to his nephew if he doesn’t back off. Tywin steps in and shuts down Joffrey’s prurient plan, putting Tyrion in a spot where he basically has to pretend that he was joking when he threatened to replace Joff’s manhood with a golf pencil. It’s humiliating all the way around; Sansa’s “WT-Actual-F?” face pretty much sums it up.

When they’re alone in the bedroom, Tyrion keeps drinking, compliments Sansa’s long neck (heh) and asks her age – it’s 14. Time for another round! Though she’s made it clear she only drinks wine when she has to, Ned Stark’s daughter downs a goblet of the stuff to steel herself, then turns her back to her husband and undresses to her shift. Even though the fumes from his own breath must make it hard to see exactly what’s going on, Tyrion knows this isn’t right. He stops her, saying, “Can’t. I could, I won’t,” and declaring that he won’t share her bed until she wants him to. That could be never, she notes. He passes out on the chaise lounge.

The next morning, Shae angrily busts in to straighten the room and attend to her lady. She disregards Tyrion’s advice that she knock first but, with some satisfaction, pays great attention to the pristine nature of the sheets on the wedding bed.

HOUSE TARGARYEN: SHOULD-WE-TRUST-THE-NEW-HOTTIE? EDITION |The city of Yunkai has hired 2,000 mercenaries, known as “Second Sons,” to fight Daenerys and her Unsullied. The sellswords are headed by a Braavosi named Mero, who’s also known as “the Titan’s Bastard.” “Is he more titan or bastard?” the Mother of Dragons asks cheekily, but Ser Jorah warns her that the Second Sons are no joke. Still, she requests a meeting and is reasonably sure she’ll get one, because “a man who fights for gold can’t afford to lose to a girl.” (Side note: Pretty much everything Khaleesi has said this season is meme-worthy, no?)

At the meeting, Mero is rude enough to raise everyone’s hackles – except Daenerys’. She ignores his comments about her nether regions and his egregious, Gene Simmons-like tongue undulations; instead, she simply offers to pay the Second Sons more than the Yunkish are paying them. Mero spits out one last ridiculous comment about her anatomy, and I’m not sure what I love more: that Jorah and Grey Worm are ready to kill him for that alone, or that Dany is calmly like, “Simmer, boys. I got this.”

Mero later discusses the offer with his two comrades at their own post, saying they just need to sneak into Daenerys’ camp, kill her and be done with it. They draw coins to see who’ll do the deed; a long-haired Ken doll named Daario Naharis winds up with the gig.

That evening, Khaleesi soaks in a tub and gets (gently) schooled in Dothraki pronunciation by Missandei, whom we learn is fluent in 19 languages. Daario, who is dressed as one of the Unsullied, slips into her tent and dumps the heads of his two cohorts – including the guy with the tricky tongue – onto her floor. Daario explains that he and the Second Sons will fight for her, instead, then makes it official by dropping to one knee and vowing his loyalty. (I’m thinking it didn’t hurt that she stepped, bare as a babe, from the bath before he did it.)

HOUSE BARATHEON: BETTER-BLED-THAN-RED EDITION| Melisandre brings Gendry to Stannis, who takes one look at the bastard and declares him, “half Robert, half lowborn.” When they’re alone, Melisandre compares Gendry to a sacrificial lamb, causing Stannis to comment, “You’ve slaughtered many lambs.” She shoots back, nonplussed, “And none have seen the blade.” This chick is scary. Maybe that’s why Stannis chooses that moment to free Davos from the dungeons. “You knew I’d counsel restraint,” his old friend notes, adding that Gendry is a blood relative who has done Stannis no harm. The would-be king counters by revealing what he saw in the flames at the end of last season: “a great battle in the snow.” He likens it to what Davos witnessed when Melisandre gave birth to the Lost smoke monster and asks, “How you can deny her god is real?”

Upstairs, Gendry is in his room, which looks like the set of a Meatloaf music video. Melisandre enters, lights the brazier and gives him good wine; he’s suspicious until she starts undressing him and drops her own robes, then he just kind of goes with it. She works her way down his body, and – goodness, Mel, chill! For a minute there, we were dangerously close to seeing the young blacksmith’s tongs and anvil!

She climbs on top of him and it’s all thrusty funtimes until she lashes him to the bed and tells him to trust her. Just then, Stannis and Davos enter, and I’m pretty sure Gendry is thinking he would do anything for love but he won’t do that. It’s all good, Gen: Melisandre just wants to put three leeches on you to draw out some of that royal blood coursing through your veins. Two of the bugs go on his torso, the last one goes to third base with him, then she pulls them off and drops them into the flames as she chants Joffrey, Balon and Robb’s names. The Joffrey leech pops in a really disgusting way.

THE MEN OF THE WALL| Sam and Gilly find lodging at an abandoned house, where she gets a fire going as they discuss possible names for her infant son. May I suggest Alfred? Because from the sheer number of crows cawing outside, it’s about to turn into The Birds up in here. Sam goes outside and it gets eerily quiet… because there’s a White Walker approaching. “It’s come for the baby!” Gilly cries. Certainly looks that way – especially when the creature shatters Tarly’s sword with one hand. Just as the beast grabs for little No-Name, a desperate Sam pulls out his dragonglass dagger and plunges it into the White Walker’s back. The creature cries out, falls down and cracks into a million pieces, then blows away. Sam grabs Gilly and the child then takes off, all of the birds following the trio’s frenzied exit.

Now it’s your turn. What did you think of the episode? Sound off in the comments!

He’s comparing himself the the men of The Watch cause they have to take that vow of celibacy when the enter. Since Sansa doesn’t want to ever sleep with him, he’s comparing their marriage to being in the Watch

Where is Stannis exactly ?
Melisandre & Gendry passed all the sunken ships from the Kings Landing Battle .
Gentry says after all the running & fighting he’s returning home.
HOW is Stannis so close to Kings Landing while mounting a war against the throne ?

I thought they still captured that to an extent, I believe that Sansa knew that Tyrion was not tall enough to put that cloak, but chose to keep standing in order to prevent Tyrion from putting the cloak on until he asked.

But in the *show* he’s nice to her. Assigning Shae to her is as much about protecting Shae as giving Sansa an ally and buffer against her own naivety. Sansa is still in a prison but I think she knows now that Tyrion is indeed the lesser of the Lannister evils.

There’s no indication Tyrion assigned Shae to her to do anything other than get her a job. From all evidence she just took a liking to Sansa. Moreover, Sansa doesn’t know about that, regardless, so it wouldn’t affect how she views him.

Shae has also mentioned to Tyrion, that she feels responsible for Sensa and that they “must protect her”. Which made it even MORE awkward for poor Tyrion… he’s walking a REALLY fine line (and trying to be as drunk as possible, while walking it! Hahahah!)

I actually liked Sansa more on the show. Her refusing to kneel at the wedding just seemed stupid and childish- she wasn’t defying the Lannisters- she was giving Joffrey exactly what he wanted by humiliating Tyrion- the only one who had been nice to her. And I’m against ever giving Joffrey what he wants. I liked that by this point, Joffrey can’t rile Sansa, much as he wants to she refuses to give him the quivering response he craves. Every time she says “Yes my lord” it sounds like she’s saying “F*&( you, my lord.”

It has been a long time since I read them, but I thought she did the same thing in the books? Forced to stoop down so he could put the cloak on. I think the writers are doing a good job of conveying the basics of the Sansa-Tyrion story. He was just as respectful and kind to her in the book, from what I remember. Humiliated at having been forced into the marriage and knowing she is repulsed by him, and constantly avoiding consummating it for her benefit. I am wondering, though, since there are some significant details missing, how this plot will connect to the next.

What was hilarious is how heavy the sexual chemistry was between Daenerys and Missandei and how there was simply no sexual chemistry between Daenerys and Daario. Haven’t seen anything this one sided since BtVS where there was zilch chemistry between Riley and Buffy while Buffy and Spike were off the charts.

I’m sorry you feel that way, I must disagree, as I feel this has been the fastest moving season yet, especially with Jons storyline which was even slower last season. GOT is a slow show that focuses more on its characters than big events. The books are the same way. Nonetheless you should enjoy episode 9 which should include the biggest event yet.

How can you be so stupid to say that? Jon’s storyline in this season is by far one of the best throughout the whole show and book series. Get a life and realize that Jon is one of the best characters in the whole series. WTF are you smoking?

Tiffany, don’t despair. The wildlings are gathering on the south side of the wall for a reason. The show is conveying that he is being pulled in two completely different directions in terms of loyalty. Plus Ygritte is freaking adorable.

As always, Kimberly, a great and concise recap. One minor correction though: Melissandre chanted Robb, Joffrey and Balon Greyjoy, Theon’s father who declared himself heir to the Iron Throne when Robert died.
Also, I guess Samwell and Gilly now know what the dagger is useful for but after slaying the Whitewalker, they run off and leave it lying on the ground. I think that’s a bad move!

Actually Balon Greyjoy only claims the throne of the Iron Islands not the Iron throne (that’s Joffreys’). Also I agree completely about Samwell leaving the dagger! I can’t remember if that was how it happened in the book and I hate when there are those kinds of oversights in a show. I will really be disappointed if we see Samwell brandishing that dagger sometime later in the show

Actually, neither Robb Stark nor Balon Greyjoy claim the Iron Throne. They’re both leading rebellions of secession against the united Westeros Kingdom, from the North and Iron Islands respectively. However Stannis still sees them as enemies, because he wants to restore unity and peace to all the seven kingdoms, not just to the southern five.

I just read the Wiki and it says Sam uses the dragonglass dagger and it does nothing, then picks up a charred (from fire) stick and stabs it with that, which lights it on fire and kills it. So that has me confused as to why on the show its the dragonglass that does the killing in the unique way, when before it was fire that was the only thing that killed them.

The wights are just dead people reanimated. Steel does nothing to them. Fire’s the way to kill them.

Then there are the Others. We have no idea where they come from but fire doesn’t kill them, they just don’t like it too much. The one that Sam faced with Gilly is an Other so the only way to kill it was with the dragonglass dagger (otherwise known as obsidian).

Game of Thrones usually rises above superficiality. Since the only way to think much of Daario is based on his looks solely, it seems to say fans would lower themselves to only being about if people look like supermodels. This is a bigtime misfire by Game of Thrones. I see some sites are already calling him Fabio like.

Once again, I enjoyed every moment! My birthday is 2 weeks to the day & it’s going to be probably the best present I get. I agree about the dagger. I said that as soon as they ran. I bet he’s going to run back to get it. How does Danaerys know she can trust this cat? I thought she was over the naivety?

It’s 2013. Countless films and tv shows have been adapted from books. People STILL whine in the comments section on these articles about spoilers. Here’s an idea: Stop reading the bloody comments! You know it’s bound to happen. Even if it isn’t done on purpose, someone might get excited and slip up. Isn’t it easier to stop reading the comments than it is to try to control the posts of all these other people?

Here’s an idea: when you are posting on a monitored board on a site devoted to TV enthusiasts, don’t be a jerk and drop a huge spoiler. I think that request is more reasonable than telling all non book readers they can’t comment or discuss the show with other people. That being said, there will always be a troll to drop in a spoiler, just like there will always be the one who condescendingly tells everyone not to go online if you don’t want spoilers. Both are jerks, IMO. I guess that makes me the fool who replies to trolls…

This is a comments section about a TV show. People like to talk about the show after it aired. Remember how much fun this was after each episode of LOST? People that purposely spoil things for others are losers. I wish upon them a moderately uncomfortable yet medically benign burning sensation when they urinate.

Exactly. Why shouldn’t people be able to go online and discuss a TV show without fear of major spoilers? This article is a recap of one episode. Why can’t people stick to discussing it, free of upcoming plot points? It’s ridiculous and the comment above was just a spoiler, nothing about the episode that is being discussed here. It’s one thing to comment on the differences between the book and the show, but to blatantly spoil major outcomes is just rude and unnecessary.

It was a great episode, and l really enjoyed the recap. Felt for poor Tyrion’s humiliation at the wedding. Joffrey is such a douche! So many great touches. I especially loved Shae’s satisfaction when she inspected the pristine sheets on the wedding bed and shoots a look at Tyrion. That was priceless. That 2nd Son “assassin” did look a bit “Fabian-like,” but he is easy on the eyes. Can’t blame Danys for enjoying the view, or him for enjoying the view of her! And, yes, poor Jorah will truly be sad…

Fave line from this one is a toss up between calling Gendry’s bits his “tongs and anvil” and the royal wedding advice to King Psycho – “Joff, in the future, a Crate & Barrel gift card is a much more appropriate gift. Also, I hate you.”

I loved Cersei’s “If you ever call me sister again…” line. I just love to hate her. And Olenna pointing out how they’ll soon all be interrelated was hilarious! “Your brother will soon be your father-in-law.”

I am a bit confused about all the Ravens congregating on the tree, does that have significance? and is the tree the same one thats in Winterfell? I have just started reading the books so am a bit confused.