Saturday, April 02, 2011

You know, it would be funny if the Habs' recent wave of being the suckiest team that ever sucked was just some kind of elaborate April Fools Day joke. But, considering the fact that they seem to do this every fucking year to end the regular season, I ain't holding my breath.

When I got my playoff tickets in the mail, it seems as though head office has whipped itself up another batch of tasty Kool-Aid and has put together a marketing strategy that's, well, a bit far fetched to say the least.

As a season ticket holder, you have to buy all 16 potential playoff games that could be played at the Bell Centre in a given playoff run. That means, 4 games in every series right up to the Stanley Cup Final. (I know. I chuckle to myself when I think about having home ice advantage, let alone having to actually use my tickets to the Cup final...)

Every single one of the 16 playoff tickets has a player's picture on it, but, this year, there is also some kind of inspirational word that may or may not be loosely associated with that player's contribution to this year's team. So what better way to start a preview that begins this, the final week of the Habs' regular season than with an analysis of what these tickets mean?

I mean, it's not like I actually need to preview this game. Habs ain't coming close to clinching playoffs tonight. We all know that Marty and the Devils are probably going to win. If the Habs show up at all and make a game of it, I'll be impressed, and, yes, I promise to eat a good sized helping of humble pie.

So let's do the mockery thing instead for a batch of tickets that I may never get to use. It's way more fun than previewing another loss...

Round 1: Eastern Conference Quarter-Finals

Otherwise known as: The round where the Habs either get swept, or you win in 7 games.

Game 1: Plekanec, "Consistency"

I have no problems with this, other than the fact that it makes Pleky sound like a life insurance policy or a fucking Toyota Corolla. He's (usually) better than that.

Game 2: Gill, "Wisdom"

Refers to the fact that this old fart tries not to get himself into positions where his slow ass will get burned. Works about 75% of the time.

Game 3: Cammalleri, "Control"

Either refers to the fact that this guy is so Type A, he makes lawyers look chillaxed or to the fact that all of his shots are deliberately either 2 feet to the right or 2 feet above the net.

Game 4: Subban, "Destiny"

This kid is going to be fucking awesome, provided the Habs don't get impatient with his development and the media shitstorms and subsequently shove their heads up their asses and trade him away in a ridiculous move.

Round 2: Eastern Conference Semi-Finals

Otherwise known as: The round where, if the Habs make it out of the 1st round, they're likely to choke.

Game 1: Price, "Belief"

"Thank Christ that trade worked out..." "See, we FUCKING TOLD YOU trading Halak was a good idea!!"

Game 2: Darche, "Pride"

This dude is often the only member of the team who knows what it means to have that logo on his jersey. Perfect word association here.

Game 3: Desharnais, "Determination"

Another good word association: "Fuck you to everyone who didn't think I'd make it into the NHL." (Note: I don't give a shit what the AntiChambre says, this guy, while awesome, is not the second coming of Lafleur.)

Game 4: Pacioretty, "Perseverance"

This is one of those demonstration-by-exception things. Patches has been the model of perseverance in his rehab. The Habs have been the antithesis with their "Nothing-but-Quit" attitude since #67 went down.

Round 3: Eastern Conference Finals

Otherwise known as: Where the Habs died last year after Halak's pixie dust ran out.

Game 1: Kostitsyn, "Strength"

*hysterical laughter* I mean, the kid is definitely strong and when he uses that big ol body of his in an effective way, his game is pretty friggin' great to watch. But that only happens for a streak of about 3-4 games before he goes back to 10-15 games of coasting.

Game 2: Spacek, "Heart"

Well, I guess he's got no other skills, so this one will have to do. Not like they could put "Jesus Christ, Spacek, NOT AGAIN" on the ticket.

Game 3: Wisniewski, "Sacrifice"

Dude, he didn't even miss a game and he's playing with a fucking cage on his visor. 'Nuff said. (Too bad he's an average D-man at best...)

Game 4: Pouliot, "Ability"

"...when he chooses to actually use it"

Round 4: Stanley Cup Finals

Otherwise known as: The tickets that I might as well destroy right now 'cause they'll never get used...

Game 1: Gionta, "Inspiration"

It's inspiring the way that this guy has shown up for most games in spite of the fact that he's centred by the Anchorage Albatross. Certainly doesn't refer to any of the bullshit stock sentences he uses in post-game interviews.

Game 2: Moen, "Passion"

"... is still not a substitute for actual talent."

Game 3: Gomez, "Experience"

The ability to suck and blow so much at at once is a product of many years of experience. However, he's usually pretty great in the playoffs, so I'm hoping he's gonna start turning it on... any minute now...

Game 4: Hamrlik, "Stability"

What else are you gonna say about the D-man who has played the most games (75 so far) of a ridiculously injury-prone and depleted corps? Fortress Habs has rested on this poor old man's shoulders all season. No wonder the fortress is crumbling...

Comments? Other definitions? Optimism? Pessimism? Talk about it and what's sure to be the Habs' latest road loss in the comments.

Most of my friends are in the same frame of mind as I am = if the Habs™ don't bother showing up why should we as fans?I guess it is true that Hopes springs eternal (and so does the Easter bunny who'll be bringing me tons of alcohol dipped chocolates to drown my where-the-fuck-did-they-go sorrows)

Feel better after singing a bunch of old Yiddish songs (those shtetl schlobs sure had it hard!) then, reading that excellent preview. I guess we will need stability if we ever get to a game 4 at the BC (which is mathematically very unlikely, seeing as we would have to be playing a team from the West with a worse record than us...) I'm pretty well resigned to rooting for Vancouver this playoffs, what with the Green Men and all...I watched a period and a half of the deVilles PHucktards game, our only chance is if Mr Buttermaker has a senior period or two tonight. Kovalchuck is CHinese and stronger than any of our forwards, they were rolling four lines all night last night fluidly. PHucktards scored first and do you see Lemaire pull out his pad and pencil? No he's yapping at them like a cricket on the solstice, yap yap yap...they win.

I was reading and old Hockey News today, from before the trade deadline. Article about "fixing" Ottawa, Toronto and Calgary, trading versus drafting, blah, blah. One GM made the comment, if you trade your franchise player and don't get something special back, your team is set back for years. No fucking kidding. The Habs have only been wandering around the desert for 16 years and counting.

Fat Marty gets a shutout tonight. Wonder if Bob Cold will mention it in the third period more than once?

Can you say Zach Parise, or something like that, a RFA, I would take him.First he has a French name, second he is a hell of a hockey player, fourth name a first round pick in the last twenty years that panned out beside Price.

I'm schlepping my ass all the way to Kirkland by public transport to watch this thing on a large TV with legit cable and everything. So I expect at least a competent game (remember when we dissed competence? What I wouldn't do for competence now).

I must also comment on the severe lack of Winnie Cooper on these pages. Wasn't that the streak buster? Winnie, wherefor art thou?

Now to pack for the trip. Yes, I prepare for a trip to the West Island as I would for a trip to the deserts of Zambia.

...right, they could come back, yatti yatti yatta.Don't want to cause a four-goal comeback by this remark.

Are we in yet? 0.001 % chance we miss still keeps you up at night?

Wake me up when you guys are on board the playoffs train.

But I'm confused. PFK scored on the PP for the 8th time this year. It's almost like there's something going on,there. Maybe we should try playing him more, just to see if the fluke holds up *face distorted by frustration*

Didn't check the site until now and I gotta tell you this may be the best game day you folks have pulled out of your collective butts in some time. The Anchorage Albatross statement alone was almost worth the scotch I spit through my nose just now. Almost. It was a 12 year old. Don't do it again, OK?

About Four Habs Fans

The Four(-ish) Habs Fans are four(-ish) Habs fans. Three are from Montreal, though one of those is now stuck in the middle of the Red Mile. The other somehow grew up a Habs fan in the middle of Ontario Cottage Country, and now lives in Hogtown. Some of them are lawyers, so they are opinionated, and may or may not be assholes.

HabsFan29 is a lifelong Montrealer who decided the Four Habs Fans' email exchanges about the Habs were just too stupidly amusing and occasionally intelligent not to share with the world. The 29 is for the greatest (only?) Goalie-lawyer-PM candidate ever. He would like his mom to know that his meth habit is overstated on this blog for comedic effect.

HabsFan4 paid tribute to one of the finest gentlemen to ever don a Canadiens sweater. His legacy as one of the pioneers of the Gangsta Rap movement has always been understated. His Jaro posts will be recalled fondly by all.

HabsFanForever33 aka Panger is a Montrealer in Exile currently residing mere blocks from the Red Mile, yet whose passion for all things Canadiens has only embiggened with distance. HFF33 worships at the altar of St. Patrick. Panger still gets chills recalling the moment he met the greatest goal-scorer of all time, The Rocket. HFF33 is a life-long Habs fan, except during the Houle-Tremblay Era, when Le Club de Hockey Canadiens was dead to Panger.

HabsFan10 grew up watching Le Demon Blond on Radio-Canada with his unilingual English Dad in a WASPy little town in Maple Leafs country, at least until the playoffs each year, when he got to hear Danny Gallivan and Dick Irvin because the Leafs played on opposite nights (if they made the playoffs at all). Rick Middleton and Cam Neely sometimes haunt his dreams. He thinks Thurso, Quebec should be declared a national historical site. If you aren't sure what the 10 in HF10 stands for, you're on the wrong site, buster.

All mind-bogglingly warped Photoshop work courtesy the warped mind of GoldenGirl11 a.k.a. LukeyNussbaum11. All stripperrific vision expressed by contributors through Photoshop are solely those of the individual writer and do not reflect the opinions of GG11, a card carrying feminist, although she's sure that they are the opinions of her four sons even if they don't care to admit it.

moeman born in l'Estie'd'Québec, was baptized Maurice because well his Mom, seeing his beautiful dark locks and glaring eyes knew he'd need a namesake, actually it was his Mon Oncle Yvon that CHristened his Habstism, deep in central Ontario no less. He took life's circuitous route and blessed his own son with the name Patrick in 1993. He also has a gorgeous daughter but she's a Sens fan, so, meh. moeman loves women, wine, song, women, Habs, his kids, women, iOS Apps, hockey blogging women and women. His other passion, he hates the leaf. He also loves women.