UrbanRhetoric

UrbanRhetoric

5.26.2013

STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS [review].....by IMTHATDUDE

5
minutes Into the Darkness, and you’re hooked – more importantly, 4 minutes in and
you realize it is going to be better than Iron Man 3. Yup… I’m an RDJ fan, but Iron Man 3 was a major
disappointment, while Trek Into Darkness was surprisingly better than the
trailers suggested.

Technically, in the most
unambiguous sense of the phrase, I still 'have a thang for Zoe (and I can hear
somebody saying “bowchickabowaaah!” but I assure you I don’t mean it like that –
although clearly our offspring would be genetically superior beings, that’s a
story for another day – I’m just talking about my love of watching her act)…,
the improbability of her hollering at IMTHATDUDE affords me the ability to be
brutally honest about any crap films she’s been in (which, so far has been… NOTHING…
not even the utterly ridiculous Colombiana was “crap” per se). Eh… well… maybe “Guess
Who” might’ve sorta kinda funked it right on up a bit+ … and maybe… MAYBE… Vantage
Point gave me cinematic vertigo (and a touch of nausea)… AND Takers – okay,
Takers sucked legumes of a certain sort.
But ain’t one to gossip, so you ain’t heard that from me. Star Trek Into Darkness was - as we
borderline old heads say – “good money.”(more after the jump)

For my
fellow nerds, here’s the relative equation about the action/sci-fi flicks out this
season -

Allow
me to translate. Star Trek Into Darkness
was better than ratings for both Iron Man 3 and GI Joe Retaliation combined (the
latter of which I did not completely hate – dap for giving “Keanuing” Channing
Tatum). IM3 & GI Joe combined are approximately
equal to Fast & Furious 6 (review coming soon). All of the previously mentioned flicks are
better than Olympus Has Fallen which was slightly better than (but close to)
Oblivion, which was just straight up lame.
No review will be forthcoming for either, but at least Olympus was fun (G.
Butler was hilarious) as opposed to Oblivion – which, coincidently felt like
two hours spent there – or as Mike Tyson would say, in “Bolivia.”

* Aside: Thank you, JJ for throwing in the tight-bodied girl undressing scene again
in this one. Keep up the good work. I
see you @AliceSophiaEve

** BSide:
Don’t hold the Cowboys & Aliens thing against the writers of this movie…
just because that flick was ASSinine.

IF YOU
MUST KNOW:

SPOILER – SPOILER ALERT!!! [If you really want to be surprised, DO NOT
READ ANY REVIEWS OTHER THAN MINE, of course, and do not visit IMDB.com, you’ll
thank me later.]

The Enterprise
crew - Kirk, Sulu, Chekov, Scottie, and Spock-Bones-Uhura (so not believable –
whatevs), etc. are tasked by the Federation to bring a terrorist (Cumberbatch) to
justice. But that’s really all you need
to know.

The unequivocally
British Benedict Cumberbatch was an exceptional terrorist. He’s much better than Sir Ben Kingsley’s
strange villainish-character in IM3, and way better than the whining-Romulan
Eric Bana played in the last Star Trek movie who managed to strike about as
much fear in people as a hungry, pre-lapband surgery Chris Christie would to
the morning shift staff at a Dunkin Donuts (they might roll their eyes at the impending
nuisance, but at the end of the day, how much damage could he really do?).

Regular SPOILER ALERT!!! That collective ohhhh, that you’ll hear from
people who did not pre-read about Trek Into Darkness is from those hardcore to
moderate Trekkies. It was a nice little
pay off.

ImTHATdude gives Star Trek Into Darkness: 5 (Really, it’s a more like a 4.5, but this deserves some credit)

RATING
SYSTEM:

5 =
You should be about halfway to the theatre by now… Well… GET!
4 = Definitely worth the bread. Niiice.3
= I won’t cuss anybody out and demand my paper back.
2 = Somewhere SOUTH of under-whelmed./I know it has a pulse, but…
1 = Not a good look. They played me AND I played myself.

(*For those unfamiliar with the term "Keanuing" or "to Keanu" it simply means reducing the role of an actor to an acceptable level of usage to maintain the integrity of the story without destroying the verisimilitude of the film. See, The Matrix.)

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UrbanRhetoric is written mostly by pemora with some help by her rad friends (IMTHATDUDE, Paj1, DOUGH, jayare20k, MissDTM, Charlie Mango). They all have a love/hate relationship with pop culture. If you want to read more and/or would like to contribute, follow us on Twitter. Holler.