Today’s Lie: It’s Better to Avoid Difficult Conversations

You know when someone you care about does something you’re not OK with? It might be minor, like leaving the toilet seat up, or it might be something major where your values are disrespected. Because you care about them, you may end up questioning whether or not to tell them your feelings about their behavior. A good deal of the time you talk yourself out of a conversation because you project that it will be uncomfortable, tense, and the object of your affection may actually leave you because you challenged their behavior. Maybe it’s even your boss that is treating you in a way that’s simply unacceptable to you, and causing you emotional pain, and then you might be even more inclined to avoid a discussion for fear of losing your job!

Here’s the thing, by holding your feelings in, you are actually out of integrity. The best definition of integrity I ever heard was:

“It’s when your thoughts, your actions, your feelings, and your words are all in alignment”

When you’re out of integrity, you feel it in your body and in your mind. The longer you lie to yourself, the more likely you are creating a distance between you and your partner. The longer you fail to address the scary discussion that leads to that gap, the more likely that the gap becomes irreparable. You are hurting yourself, and you are hurting your partner. How does that really help either of you? If it’s your job, is it really worth crying and emotional distress, leading to physical illness just to hold on to a paycheck and benefits that you only need because you’re making yourself sick staying there?

The other thing you’re missing out on is EMPOWERMENT. When you speak from your inherent truth, and you are aligned in yourself, there is nothing like that feeling! So, how do you get pumped up to have that awkward conversation with your partner – whether a new or a long-term relationship? Here are a few ideas:

Pay Attention to Your Body. The best indicator of being out of integrity is a feeling in your body when you think of that other person – might be like heartburn, or like your stomach is tied in knots, or your heart feels tight… – if you’re feeling those feelings, it’s a sure sign you are shying away from your truth.

Realize That Your Projections are Stories. All those outcomes you have envisioned in your beautiful imagination are stories you have created, and I bet all of them are bad, worse, or horrible. None of them, however, are real because if you haven’t had the conversation you have no idea how your partner will react! Try imagining the POSITIVE reactions they may have now that I’ve called you out.

Take a Breather. If you’re feeling really emotional about the circumstances, then do take a time out until you cool off, so that the conversation can be fruitful and not cater to all those stories you’ve created!