Please do come pay your respects, if you can, to Mr. Hernandez. I will be in service at Ms. SF Leather, and acting as one of the Honor Guard for this solemn and joyful celebration of this Leather Icon.

You might not have known me back when I first started talking publicly about my experiences as a Black woman, into BDSM, as a submissive /slave identified person, who did scenes that incorporated and underscored racial issues in play.

If you did, you remember the flamewars, fights, humiliating rejection, condemnation and various hootenannies that fell out thereafter. I never thought, lo these many years later, not only would these issues still be discussed but actually have tracked my progress and growth as a member of the Leather Community, teacher, speaker, writer and educator. Even more now than ever.

And so it goes.

I’m thicker-skinned these days, praise Ganesha.

I often receive messages from people asking me rather broad-stroke vague questions about this VERY challenging topic.

I got a very thoughtful and provocative email from someone who asked me a lot of really good questions.

I’m going to reprint the message below, while I think about how to respond.

And that link over there on the right is to the new Best Sex Writing book, due out very soon. I have an essay on this very topic in there, too. Just in case I missed SOMEONE having access to my insanity.

Been a while so here we go with a simple little reminder to Keep It Simple, Stupid.

Kissing is awesome. Awesome and underrated. I know I’m not alone in feeling that the intimacy of a kiss is a profound one. Back when I used to occasionally go in for casual hook-ups, it wasn’t unusual of the kissing to be either non-existent or perfunctory, at best, with that seemingly silly mode of sensual communication stowed in favor of getting down to fucking.

Which is delightful. I’m a fan of the fuck. However I’m also a fan of the depth of intimacy it takes to deeply kiss someone, to focus on that, and I am a SuperFan of open-eye kissing. I know it might sound odd or far-fetched but I have had times where I have actually had full-body orgasmic response from a good make-out session, and though it might be surprising to the person with whom I’m making out, in all of my career I’ve only received one complaint, and that guy can go fuck himself.

Unusual in that not too often does one see male dominants writing about their feelings.

Not gonna go into my theories, some hackneyed and some wild, about why that is. But the fact is, the dominant male who publicly vets his inner process around BDSM is a fucking unicorn in the Leather Community, I say, and so the Unicorn Award of this virginal expedition into posting another blogger’s writing goes to Coyote Too.

And that he manages to do so in a way that is deceptively simple, and accessible is another hit. Add that it possesses neither posturing nor self-aggrandizing BS and you have a Trifecta of Awesomesauces.

“This isn’t all about you. It isn’t some fantasy, none of that safeword bullshit. It is all about me, right now, and for your foreseeable future. So scream all you want. I don’t give a fuck. No one does.”

This strange dark slippery sentiment crept into my head yesterday. Sitting at work combing through the millions of profiles trying to find the ones that would help me do my job, I had a full-fledged fantasy detonate in the forebrain.

And I did. Not. Like it.

This wasn’t some hot sexy thing. It was Bad. It wasn’t consensual. It wasn’t safe, it was quite insane and it was beyond risky. There was no care, no love, no desire, no safety.

I’m not polyamorous by the generic definition. I tend to airlock into a relationship once I’m there, and I ain’t tryin’ to let anyone else get their little umbilicus into my supply ship.

Great Ganesha…that was geeky.

But you get my point.

Now, this does not mean there isn’t room to take off on little side missions to interesting planets, party with the natives, get some fun times with alien species. But at the end of the mission, I need to have that heart-to-heart with another person who feels the same way about me.

So, here is a bit about that. And here is a caveat, dear reader…this isn’t about you. This is about me. If you do it differently, that’s cool. Many people I love dearly do it VERY differently. But I am not looking to be swayed or converted or told that my way isn’t OK. I’m not looking to have yet another conversation about how awesome poly is and how flawed monogamy is. I’ve had enough people laugh at my being monogamous, try to cheese their way into my life with arguments about how monogamy is for the fearful. Yadda. Don’t go there. Please.Continue reading »

Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2009

It’s here. Finally. I promised it earlier, I know. Life got in the way (I’ll talk about it in my next post). That, and I had well over 150 unique nominations this year, counting all the comments and the nominations I received via email. Last year, I didn’t get nearly as many, and a good number of the nominations were my own.

I first compiled this list last year as a way to recognize the people who are courageous enough to put their lives or fantasies or opinions (or all three and more) out there to entertain and inspire the rest of us. I also hoped that this would bring new readers to every blogger on the list, and I had hoped that it would be an icebreaker way for bloggers to get to know one another. It was a smashing success, so I decided to make it an annal event.