GET REEL: A modest movie proposal... or 6

You don't have to be a film critic or a member of Mensa - incredibly, the two groups aren't mutually inclusive - to realize that most of the movies at the multiplex these days contain all the artistic merit of a cow pie.

You don't have to be a film critic or a member of Mensa - incredibly, the two groups aren't mutually inclusive - to realize that most of the movies at the multiplex these days contain all the artistic merit of a cow pie.

So what can we the people, and just not critics and brainiacs, do about this sorry state of cinematic affairs? Well, you could do our best Howard Beale impersonation and scream "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!" That might feel cathartic, but it's not likely going to change the way Hollywood makes movies, though it could get you a fitting for a straitjacket.

You could simply stay away from the multiplex and wait for the films to arrive on Netflix or via On Demand, but that won't change the product, only the setting. You just change the channel instead of walking out of the theater. But you're still disgusted. And you can't share your disgust with other irate moviegoers. That is definitely cathartic. Of course, when others in the theater applaud a film you believe should be incinerated migraines can manifest themselves.

Another solution: you could just stop watching films, but then you risk missing a moviegoing experience of artistic and cultural significance. Or a film that could simply make you laugh, cry or cower. Yes, those films are rare but they exist, and they come with a communal bonus. As with sporting events, the enjoyment of moviegoing can get amplified by others who share your sense of spectacle. Case in point, most moviegoers of a certain age can tell you exactly how far their jaw dropped when they first saw "Star Wars." And they can tell you where they saw the film.

So there must be better a solution, and there is, but it requires that communal thing again. People need to take action together and if they take to heart the following modest proposals, the movie theater will be a much better place to visit and eat overpriced popcorn.

Modest Proposal No. 1: Sequels must stop. Life is too short to see the same film over and over again. Moviegoers who like to see the same film over and over again should be forced to watch "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2" over and and over again. They will either mend their ways or blow their addled brains out. Fans of original moviemaking win no matter what.

You can count on one hand - OK, maybe two - the number of movies where the sequels were as good or better than the original. So, if you're seeing a sequel, the odds of it being inferior are very high. The only way to stop sequels is to stop going to them. The bottom feeders behind the Baby Geniuses films actually made a third one - and it went where almost all sequels should go: direct to video. That way moviegoers who prefer living in permanent deja vu get their entertainment and spare the rest of us from watching regurgitated crud.

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I'm not a huge fan of prequels, remakes and reboots either, but they offer more opportunities for creativity, and in the case of remakes, if the original wasn't that great to begin with, the second - or third - try might serve as an improvement.

Members of the Rehash Hall of Fame include "The Godfather II," "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" and 2009's "Star Trek."

Modest Proposal No. 2: Talented actors and actresses who reside in the millionaire tax bracket yet waste their talent in wretched movies must stop. Sure, even if you're wealthy, it's difficult to turn away a fat paycheck for little effort, but think of what you're doing to your reputation. Don't care about your reputation? What about subjecting moviegoers who admire you - or least used to - to the pain of watching you debase yourself in movie muck? It's one thing to sit through a rotten Martin Lawrence film - yes, that's redundant - but you expect that. He has no talent. It's quite another thing to watch four, count them four, Oscar winners slumming in the steaming pile of twaddle that is "The Big Wedding." Robert De Niro, Diane Keaton, Susan Sarandon and Robin Williams should be forced to watch all of Nicolas Cage's post-Oscar movies. "The Wicker Man," anyone?

You can argue that the stars may not know when they're in a dud until it's too late. That may too be true on occasion but when actors repeatedly appear in junk, you know that fiscal reward has trumped professional pride.

In case you're wondering how a star's role decisions affect movie quality, the only way far too many films get made these days is if a star gets attached. No star, no movie. Think "Analyze That," the abysmal sequel to "Anylaze This," would have been seen the light of day or dark of theater if De Niro said, "No thanks"? Actors and actresses, who are no longer starving artists, bear some responsibility for the slime that masquerades as cinema sullying theaters today. Ditto for directors, producers and screenwriters.

Modest Proposal No. 3: Rude behavior by patrons must stop. No matter how great the movie you're watching, you can't enjoy it if the bozo in front of you is talking to his or her fellow bozo or playing with his or her mobile phone. In the old days, an usher would be nearby to whom you could file a complaint. Not so at many multiplexes, forcing the offended party to leave the theater to track down an usher and possibly miss an important scene, or try to reason with the bozo to act more courteously. If that doesn't work, which it often doesn't with bozos, you can sit and stew or move (if there are empty seats), but not every moviegoer can move away from the bozo.

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This clown should be punished. If after receiving one warning from the usher, the bozo continues to act like an inconsiderable buffoon, he or she should get tossed. Ironically, the best way to contact an usher at a multiplex might be by mobile phone. A number should be made available. It's more economical that equipping each seat with a bozo alert button.

Modest Proposal No. 4: The proliferation of 3-D movies must stop. The box-office success of "Avatar" has led to a viral outbreak of these technological zombies. You can count on one hand - don't even bother with the second one - that number of movies since "Avatar" that have effectively used 3-D. "Hugo," "Life of Pi" and "How to Train Your Dragon" are some of the rare exceptions. Maybe the public will eventually catch on and realize they're needlessly spending more money for a film that's just as good - or bad - in 2-D. Some of these movies aren't even shot in 3-D. They're just converted to 3-D, and the result can be even more underwhelming.

Pray that this craze dies out. How long can Hollywood not give a sucker an even break? While this technology shouldn't be discontinued, it should only be reserved for filmmakers who know how to use it.

Modest Proposal No. 5: The overuse of special effects must stop. Don't get me wrong. I love special effects, but when they become more important than the story, that's when I get irked. You can count on both your hands, your feet and most of your red corpuscles all the movies that have suffered from a special effects overdose. The film may look great but if the plot and characters become as disposable as garbage, it's the end product that's going to stink. The special effects in "Star Wars" were indeed special but it's the story and the actors who have been the film memorable. It shows what glorious things can happen when you combine the two.

We should add that great films can still be made without a single high-tech battle. The power of the Force can be found in words, too.

Modest Proposal No. 6: Blind praise of independent films must stop. Some critics would rather feed their mothers to the shark in "Jaws" than praise a mainstream film. They're all about the indies. Yes, indies need more championing, but when indies reek, critics shouldn't hold their noses. They should dump on them just like they do when reviewing "The Transformers." They're not doing the moviegoing public any favors, nor independent films as the good ones may get ignored by the general public burned too often by favorable reviews of low-budget bile.

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So, will any of these proposals ever become reality? Not a chance in hell for most of them, but we can always dream. And sometimes dreams do come true, and not just in the movies.