The writings, sayings, and works of one of the most Solomonic individuals to grace history's stage.

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Category Archives: Speeches and Sayings (Funny)

Minotaur saith: “If the globe is taken over by a race of giants, they will presumably want to feed on humans. This is why I try to stay very bony–so that I am the last steak on the rack, as it were.” Further Minotaur saith not.

Minotaur saith: “My great uncle Ram Minotaur. His boy–he was the one who died when the William P. Frye sank–had a splinter of wood, and Ram took him to Doctor McTeague. The boy was afraid it would hurt to get it out. To show how to be tough, Ram asked the doctor to clip off the tip of one of his little fingers. The doctor obliged but botched the job and instead ended up cutting off Ram’s middle finger down to the second knuckle. Ram howled like a catamount in heat and then with his bloody hand threw a punch at McTeague. McTeague blocked the blow with a cast iron instrument tray, causing further screechifying. Anyway, none of this helped the boy to like doctors anymore, and the little one went home without having his splinter fixed.” Further Minotaur saith not.

The following brief sayings of Justice Korbin Minotaur on a variety of topics are recorded below in hopes that they will someday be of relevance to the anthropologists from the alien race that will explore our planet after the extinction of earthlings:

“It would be great if your kids were born in Angle-land in September 1752 during that whole period when they were switching out of the Julian calendar and certain dates never actually occurred. Imagine how much you would save on birthday gifts.”

“The cool thing about Noah is that anything related to him is Noachian.”

“A press in which I am an investor has just agreed to publish two important manuscripts: Curelom and Cumin: Barbecuing in Book of Mormon Times and Debates on the Properties of a Bandage That Would Survive an Apocalypse.”

This evening while rolling an underwetted quantity of oatmeal into a giant ball, Justice Minotaur revealed the following “things that can be said by a man or a woman to get conversation started on a long elevator ride”:

“To think that only yesterday I was in the back of a squad car being questioned about the disappearance of my mother.”

“How are you supposed to know what country you are in when this magical capsule opens up?”

“I am having fish burgers delivered here in about 20 minutes if you care to join me.”

“You are one of the few people who would probably look good with a face tattoo.”

“When those doors close, I always feel like I have been swallowed up as prey by some kind of terrible flying lizard.”

“How has the whole Greek yogurt craze affected the lives of you and yours?”

“Try calling me Tommy and see what happens.”

“We received the strange news this a.m. that our doberman has a son living in Washington DC.”

Justice Korbin Minotaur’s further thoughts on bananas, copied out of his diary entries:

-“If Father Adam called it a banana, the French and Germans have no right to call it anything else.”

-“Shucking a banana is an inherently human act. The last thing you will ever see a robot do is shuck is a banana. Put on really thick gloves. Do it! Now, can you see how hard it is to hold it just right in the one hand–without squishing it into a paste–while snapping its neck with the other? A robot’s hands are clumsy like yours when you have gloves on. No robot will ever have the dexterity. To say nothing of the fact that a robot would never be curious enough in the first place to shuck a banana. What is the motivation if you are a robot? You don’t need the nutrients.”

-“If I had young children, I would teach them to be confident when snapping the neck of a banana. You have to do it like you are Al Qaeda. One crack, snapping like a whip on a cold morning for all to hear and admire. That is all it takes. If you proceed gingerly, the neck doesn’t snap and you bruise the tender meat. You probably also lose the girl.”

-“One of the few jokes that translates into every culture is pretending to talk on a banana as if it is a telephone.”

-“Experimental findings, day 17. Banana: tastes almost as good sliced as whole.”

“It is said that at the time he croaked, Stalin was working on what he called his ‘most terrible weapon.’ This was to be a strain of banana that went directly from unripe green to rotten brown, bypassing yellow. This deviant fruit, he predicted, would unleash a ‘frustration worse than death’ on the West.”

“If you take the phloem of a single banana, you could weave a pair of breeches for every solider in Washington’s army.”