a view from under the pew: the holiday cheese run-off

Editor’s note: Amos is a churchmouse, who types by hopping on a computer keyboard, but he can’t operate the capital shift, and he shuns punctuation marks – except hyphens and dashes.

the holiday cheese run-off

boss i guess you heardabout my holiday cheesebinge the mouthy magpies andbusybody blue jays can tseem to find anything else to talk about this week

they could chirp andchortle all they wanted toabout my eating habitsboss and it wasn t a problemfor me until just the otherday when i nearly got stuck in the mouse hole in the corner of the choir loft

it was an ugly sightboss my rear end was shakinto beat the band just toget my body unstuck fromthat hole in the wall

i finally did get unstuck -thanks to louie the songdogwho lassoed my foot andyanked with all his hairymight i m not sure boss but i think my left hindleg is now a bit longerthan my other three i feela little like the drunk guy walking along the curb – onefoot in the street and oneon the curb – and wondering why the world is tilted

i tell ya boss i needed togo on a super-duper exercise program one thatwould trim and tone my little fat mousy hide

so running became my goalin life i was going to getin shape no more flubbytubby for me i had visionsof myself as a superchargedlean mean mouse machine

come on boss humor meat least quit snickeringunder your breath

early the next morningi donned my cheeseclothjogging suit and chargedaround the loop in thechurch s fellowship hall -for about twenty pacesthat is – i tripped over awadded-up church bulletinand landed smack dab on my chin whiskersso i decided to run aloop around the church srose garden but i keptbeing bombarded by aband of nose-divingmosquitoes i ran harderbut it was no use i wastoo easy a target

i cowered behind anold dead tree stumpand tried to retrievemy breath and anymovable muscles i can tmake it i muttered tomyself when i thoughtno one was listening

about that time sammy salamander waddled by andsays why don t you try whatthe indians used to do whenthey ran long distances