on forgiving and forgetting ...

In my family, forgiveness is not something that is easily given. When one does something wrong, a lot of wooing, sniffles, explaining, and sometimes begging has to happen. It is just the way my family is. We are not the forgiving sort.

Since I grew up in an environment where forgiving is not easily done, forgetting is something equally harder. So when someone does something wrong to me, I may forgive but I definitely do not forget. It is a bad trait. I know it. However, this was the only way I know how to handle things.

When I met B's Dad, I thought I had learned to forgive easily but not forget. In reality, I just really covered all the pain because I was too scared to lose him. I felt that I had nothing but him. If I were to lose him, there wouldn't be anything anymore. Pathetic but true.

When I left B's Dad, I had to learn to forgive myself and forget bit by bit. It took a while. It took years. Sometimes, I find myself still in the process of forgiving myself for allowing myself to be treated badly, to be abused, to be hurt physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. I find that I still try to forget little things here and there. It's still an ongoing process, 4 years after I walked away and never looked back.

When I met FM, I was on my way to becoming a better me ... or so I thought. Something happened and though I believe that it was an honest mistake on his part, I couldn't let it go. When I get all upset, frustrated, or mad, I bring up that mistake and hurtle it at his face to hurt him as much as I'm hurting at that moment.

Sometimes, he lets me be and accepts it all. Sometimes, he fights back and makes me realize what I'm doing.

Always, he forgives me for everything. The moment I say sorry, he forgives me. Just.Like.That.

There is no rehashing of events that happened, no "how dare you say that to me!," no ultimatum, no telling me what a horrible person I am, no telling me this is the last time he'll ever forgive me. There is nothing of the things that I am used to hearing when I ask for forgiveness. There is just forgiveness.

He simply forgives me.

I asked him why he can just forgive me just like that and he told me that he doesn't find the need to rehash and repeat everything. He also told me it was because he loves me. He doesn't see why he shouldn't forgive me for what I did that was wrong.

I've never heard of that reasoning before. I only saw it in the movies but I've never experienced it firsthand. I was in awe.

Lately, I'm learning to be more like FM in handling hurtful situations. However, when it comes to family, I still find it hard to do just that. Maybe I'm used to holding out grudges? Maybe I got used to the "kailangan bumawi ka" part of things? I don't know.

However, I am realizing that when I do not forgive, I only make things harder for myself. I need to forgive for myself, not for anyone else. I need to be free from hurt, anger, and pain that they have inflicted on me. I need to do this for myself and for my son who needs a Mom who is complete.

I am thankful to FM for teaching me how to truly forgive. I may not have learned it 100% but I am slowly inching my way towards it.