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KEY TO EMOTIONALLY SATISFYING FRIENDSHIPS

Who would’ve thought that we’d feel the least connected to one
another, in an age where everyone is virtually connected 24X7, 365 days a
year! Yet, that is the generational truth that we all have come to accept and
an extension of that truth is that our friendships are losing depth. We have
shallow, meaningless relationships with so many people that, when we pause
every now and then to breath- we realize how far behind we’ve left those we
call our own.

The Problem At Hand

Back when I was in school I had a clear set of friends.
There was ‘my gang’ which was obviously made up of the only sensible bunch of
people in the entire school and then there were ‘the others’. I never really
had enemies but there was always a clear demarcation between those who were
part of ‘Us’ and those who made up the ‘Them’. Then came college, where it
seemed like I was friends with everybody- I loved everyone and everyone loved
me. That was mostly because I knew almost nobody and almost nobody really knew
me. That lifestyle often leads us to harbour an unrealistic expectation of how
our friendships and social lives should be. Most of us never really manage to
completely come out of that frame of mind and that is no surprise either. Also read:HOW LITTLE THINGS MAKE YOU HAPPY

What Science Says

Studies have shown that a person can only maintain a maximum
of roughly 150 healthy relationships. This actual number was around 148
but like the amount on your KFC bill, it was rounded off and oh, it’s called Dunbar’s number. The
interesting thing is that the number of close relationships you can maintain is
much, much lower. How lower? Depressingly lower!

The number is an amazingly low 5. That’s right... science
says you can only have a total of 5 really close friends at any given
point of time. This is no mumbo-jumbo either! I’ve actually observed this in my
own life and made mental lists of the 4-6 people who were my closest friends at
any given time. For the most part you only have 2 or at best 3 close friends,
the others come and go in circulation.

Where We Stand

In today’s technologically connected and emotionally
disconnected world it is rather easy to feel lonely & left behind. I often
find myself staring at my phone’s contact list or even the list of active
people on Facebook trying to find someone I wish to meet or speak with. It’s
doesn’t really shock you because the fact that, the 5 closest friends you have
will often not be available is a given. It is more so once you start working
and branch out to different professions and often even cities.

Your inner circle is constantly evolving and in a rather Ship
Of Theseus way, the circle isn’t even the same circle anymore. To
understand this in detail you must later go through this piece in The New
Yorker about TheLimits of Friendships. Not now though, for now stay here and hear me out.

The urge to be more and more social pushes us to meet newer
people and many of us realize that we actually like meeting new people. This again
is no surprise because we only meet the image these new people project and likewise
for them. There is a slight excitement of knowing the unknown but, chances are
they meet the cool weekend version of you, who is well dressed, warm and
appears like a social butterfly. Now, while that is one facet of you... that is
not all of you. Also read:IS IT GOOD TO LIE?

What Needs To Be Done?

The truth is real friendships aren’t formed in loud clubs,
dressed in fancy clothes while you’re hammering your body and brain with
alcohol. Real relationships are formed over boring everyday conversations,
contemplating life and its meaning, in awkward silences, while you ridicule
random passersby and the likes. Like any lasting relationship, friendships need
to be worked on and while friends allow you to take them for granted (some
almost as much as family) everyone draws the line at some point. Now you and
your friends don’t know where that line is but, trust me... it’s there.

The ideal world where the whole gang chills together every
evening no longer exists in your life because you probably have a job now or
have a routine that you can’t escape. But how do you ensure that your
friendships don’t fizzle out, turn into a primarily formal interactions and
leave you feeling alone and miserable? Also Read: HOW MEN FALL IN LOVE

Make Time: Create routine to meet friends- or even a vague notion of
routine. Don’t let your weekends turn into mere drinking & dancing
sessions. Even if it is just 15 minutes
every other day, spend some quality time with your friends. On the days when you
can’t meet face to face, call! Yes... calling is the new texting and texting is
like well, the least personal form of communication. It’s still better than nothing
though- in case you were wondering.

Experience Life: Watch movies together, go out
bowling, share experiences together and talk about them, the more direct the
experience the better- a team sport for example can work wonders for your
friendship. The more memories you build together, the closer you get to each
other and the stronger your bond becomes. Also Read: THE ART OF MOVING ON

Listen Closely:
Ask your friends about what the most pressing issue in their lives
right now is. It could be a romantic interest, an existential crisis, a fleeting
feeling of aimlessness or some issue you’ve heard them crib about a million
times but, ask about it anyway. If it’s being said again and again- there is probably
something that you aren’t listening to. Listen to each other because, this is
your support system. Your friends might be a bunch of dysfunctional junkies (in
which case you’re in pretty deep shit) but this is your support system- this is
what you’ve got. This is what you must work with and this is more than enough.

Make Small Gestures: I’m not saying you should buy
your friend a huge gift out of the blue- although why not! Essentially you must
let those you care about know, that you care about them. Offer to eat at a
place you know your bud likes, offer to help solve problems in whatever
way you can, may be hi-5 them on a bad joke- the point is, what you do isn’t important
but it is imperative that you do it. Just make sure the message gets delivered
loud and clear: “You’re my friend and I give a shit about you... so here’s some
of the shit that I give. Go ahead, take this shit.”

There are tons of other things that I’d like to stuff into
this little blog post but, I get nervous when I see the 1000 word mark, because
I’m afraid you lazy bums won’t read the whole thing. So keep these things in
mind and go ahead, forge more satisfying friendships. Also Read: 10 THOUGHTS YOU CAN RELATE TO

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Have something to say or add to this? Leave a comment, Tweet to me @Lik…