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Have Yourself A Very Early Christmas

Right, first it was the movies, and now it’s all the bloody adverts.

When did Christmas start being about which shopping chain has the best bloody advert? And not just the best one, the one that goes on the longest. Or has the cutest thing in, or whatever. I mean, there have been countdowns, for chuff’s sake, to the launch of the John Lewis one about a monster that lives under the bed.

And then there’s the Paddington one from M&S which has courted controversy because someone thinks the “Santa” says “fuck you little bear” at the end. When it’s clear that he doesn’t. But hey, that’s fifteen minutes of fame off the back of mishearing something isn’t it? It’s to be hoped nobody ever invites that offended person round for coffee (copyright Lee Mack) otherwise they’ll never hear the end of it.

And then Tesco have offended a devout Christian by daring to have Muslims in their Christmas advert.

Get a fricking grip, people.

If you’re that much of a devout Christian you should be offended by the huge commercialisation of the sacred holy holiday and not just the fact that a family with religious beliefs different to yourself are – god forbid – getting together for a meal. If you’re so much of a devout Christian you should be able to embrace different cultures and forgive, forget and generally move on with your life.

I find that people who are devout Christians are like Vegans or people with an intolerance to wheat. That is to say, you only have to be in their company for a couple of seconds before they’ve told you what they are. And being a devout Christian, somehow, is just a licence to moan about stuff but add the words “As a Christian…” to the beginning of it. As though that is justification for it.

And currently, they best thing they have to complain about is a Christmas advert for a middling supermarket. I’m surprised no-one’s chipped in yet saying that it won’t be long before Tesco starts with an Eid advert.

“As a Christian…” should be added to the list of phrases like “I’m not racist, but…” which, as soon as you hear them, you immediately know that what follows will be absolute codswallop. I mean, the Tesco advert could get them both in if the complainers really put their minds to it.

I’m not religious. There is not a religious bone in my body. As a grumpy old man, though, mid November is too early for Christmas adverts. That’s the sort of complaining people should be doing.