She only lived to survive, there was no other reason. she had responsibilities she needed to take care of, that’s what kept her going. Every day was a struggle she didn’t know what was going to happen one day to the next. She never really knew who she could trust. She had asked so much of so many people she felt she couldn’t ask anymore.

One day it had to get easier, one day she had to get some relief. She knew she was responsible for the life she had, it was no one else’s fault but her own, she should have known better, done something sooner not fed into the deluded idea that people can change. She knew that they couldn’t, not if they didn’t want to, not if they didn’t think they were doing anything wrong.

The day will come when she will have to take a stand and it is going to be hard, it is going to hurt, and there is a very good chance that she is going to fail, but she will have to. Hopefully, he doesn’t kill her before.

Over the last few weeks, I have found myself in a very dark place. A place I am used to, a place I have been to many, many times before. But this time it has been different. Previous visits to this place have usually been shorter and after a period of time, I manage to leave on my own accord, not this time.

I felt the same sensation the pressure, the anxiety, the loneliness, the guilt the regret all pilling up on me slowly weighing me down till I could not make it even an hour without falling to pieces. I held it together the best I could in public for I fear the stigma that is attached to me and my illness. Not everyone understands what it is like to not have full control of yourself constantly.

My visit to the Psychiatrist proved to be unsuccessful as he deemed me unfit for the outside world and wanted me admitted and sedated saying that it would “reset” my brain as if I was a cell phone that just needed to be rebooted. When I rejected his logic he cast me off stating, I was an uncooperative patient and that by refusing to abide by his medical and professional opinion he saw no reason to continue to see me. So he sent me off with a month’s worth of the final prescription he had written for me and a letter to my GP explaining that I would need a referral to a new Psychiatrist.

Lucky for me my GP was helpful and understanding of my situation, and quickly got me an appointment with a new psychiatrist in a city 1 hour away. Unfortunately, my file was not forwarded on to this doctor so my first appointment was more a meet and greet were we discussed passed history and my current state of mind. but due to my mindset, I wasn’t much help as I find myself in a constant state of fog and confusion most days, knowing I should be trying to pull myself out of this but unable to find the handholds to pull me up.

So here I sit in a state of limbo trying to will things to get better but having no support to do so. People have said to me; “Why do you need medication to be normal?” and I can’t help but feel guilty, and sad, and angry all at the same time. Cause if they only knew what I wouldn’t give to not have to be medicated to function in this society, they would not ask such unintelligent questions.

Wow you were not what I expected. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t you. The connection was so real, so vibrant. I haven’t met anyone quite like you in a very long time. you peaked my interest, you intrigued me, you impressed me. I am beside myself with emotion and excitement! I want to just go with you, do things with you, experience life with you. You are a true..Freak like me!

Your presence gave me a desire I had almost forgot I had. The excitement in the air was what one would call electric. The draw to be near you was almost too much, it distracted me. My thoughts constantly drifting in your direction. Why were you so intoxicating?

I know I need to control myself, my mind reeling. Cardinal desires building up within me just waiting….waiting to be released. You are not what I truly want, or what I ever thought I would need, but you intrigue me. Who are you?

But like with all wide rides, physical and meteoric reality must settle in. I can not always have what I truly desire as it is not always mine to take. I must rise above my primal self and be real.

Alas I will accept this situation for what it truly is, imaginary. You are not real; well technically you are but this whole situation is simply an idea in my mind. Something that gets me through the day. I will take you, all the excitement that you bring me and lock it up inside. It is now fuel for my warped little mind for me to do as I wish.

Thank you for your time. Your efforts will not be forgotten, but we must move along. I have more minds to capture in my fiery abyss.