Internet Trolls

True Confessions Of A Self-Admitted Internet Troll

Back when I was in high school, my friend Biff and I somehow stumbled upon the now-defunct beaarthur.com – a virtual hub where Golden Girls fans celebrated all things Bea Arthur. And on this glorious, glorious website, there was a message board.

Jackpot.

Being an obnoxious, self-loving asshole even then, I was instantaneously enamored with this ridiculous message board. On it were nothing but older women, who, all day long, chatted about their hero — the one, the only — Bea f*cking Arthur! Once I discovered this message board, I, much like the people who currently insult me, felt the need to jump in.

If one of those poor old housewives wrote "Episode 403 of Golden Girls is amazing," I'd write "Episode 403 of Golden Girls made me wanna kill myself!" If Betty from Peoria wrote "Bea Arthur is beautiful," Pete from Long Island would write something like "Bea Arthur looks like she has a penis." And if someone were to write "I miss Golden Girls so much!", I might write "Go feed your cats... all 16 of them."

Needless to say, this pissed these ladies off! As far as the Bea Arthur fanclub went, I was public enemy numero uno. And I absolutely loved it. It was simply hilarious. I'd laugh to the point of tears while needling these poor old ladies. I'd pay top dollar for screenshots of these virtual battles now.

Was I being a dick? Decidedly so. But did I truly have any disdain for Bea Arthur, The Golden Girls or any of these innocent older women? Nah, I just wanted to get that reaction.

And that, right there, is the reason why internet trolls exist. Often we, as people, innately crave attention. And a certain portion of humanity needs to get that attention by any means necessary. Sadly, insults draw bigger responses than compliments. That's the nature of humanity. So when trolls are subconsciously trying to get the world to notice them, they'll bark out contempt that often has very little real emotion behind it. They're just typing for typing's sake, hoping to get that reaction.

So if you're a musician, actor, director, dancer, painter, writer or anyone else who creates a product and puts it out into the world, always remember to take the negative responses in stride. Never let an internet troll get to you. If you do, they win.

They're just trying to get a rise out of you. You don't really sucks, yo.