nice guys, Nice Guys, and not getting laid

My life has been a Nice-Guy-splosion this week. FUCK. I can only think of one friend who is a dude and not a total goddamned asshole/Nice Guy right now. Shoutout to Dan for not being a total bag of dicks.

The thing about dealing with so many Nice Guys is that after awhile, I stopped feeling like a person. Most of my male friends were or are just straight up lying about it; we were never friends no matter how much I thought we were. Right now, I don’t feel like a person who might be interesting or have something worthwhile to contribute to a friendship other than fucking. AND HEY, I CAN BARELY EVEN DO THAT, AMIRITE? I mean, if I can’t fuck then I’m basically pointless. Obvs.

And the real killer thing is? I’m in my most epic and shitty dry spell ever. Attention dudes! This could be so easy for both of us. Stop pretending to be my super platonic awesome friend, state your intentions and quit being whiny little manipulative assholes for an hour or so and you’re more than welcome in my bed. What’s that, you can’t manage it? FUCK RIGHT OFF, THEN. I HAVE NO USE FOR YOU AND YOU HAVE NO USE FOR ME.

ETA: it appears that the antidote to a dry spell is whining about it to the internet…