MINISTRY OF CULTURE, Tehran, Saturday (U! News) — "Lady In Red" star Chris de Burgh will be the first Western artist to play a concert in Iran since the country's 1979 revolution, the European Union threatened today, should the country not rein in its nuclear ambitions.

"We are trying to organise the concerts, scheduled for June and July," said the British Ministry of Defence. The plan is to hold "The Mother Of All Concerts" at a 12,000-seat stadium complex in Tehran.

Scientists have confirmed that de Burgh's works have sufficient douching power to damp atomic testing. "The artist will come to Iran for a concert to perform in the open air," the MoD said. "Atmospheric testing of such weaponry is highly controversial, but the overwhelming neutrality of the material in question should render the event harmless, bar the sterilisation of all life for a fifty-mile radius."

Western pop songs with lyrics are banned in Iran, although state radio sometimes plays instrumental versions. However, the Iranian Ministry of Culture confirmed that de Burgh's words were in no danger of being considered "lyrics."