The Muk Report

When I think about my blog, I touch myself.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Dar Gracias

It's a short week, what with all the turkey and traveling about to happen. I have a few new reports coming up that will most likely not get posted until next week. Until then, enjoy the holiday and give thanks that more people don't hate you.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Iranian Teens Going Blind

Laura Secor's piece on the collapse of the reform movement in Iran in this week's New Yorker is an insightful read. To wit, check out this quote from a young Iranian security official,

"The majority of the population is young. Young people by nature are horny. Because they are horny, they like to watch satellite channels where there are films or programs they can jerk off to. We have to do something about satellite television to keep society free from this horny jerk off situation."

Shit, Horny Jerk Off Situation is practically my middle name and I turned out just fine, thank you.

Yeah, I'm sure Iran would be a world fucking superpower if they could just get the kids to stop beating off already. Let's pray to Allah that Sirius doesn't market to Iran anytime soon. We'd be looking at a worldwide Kleenex shortage.

Secor concludes,

"My translator implored me, in a jaw-clenched monotone, 'Please do not laugh right now. This is a very sensitive moment.'"

It's safe to say that Secor maintained her composure, as it's pretty hard to file a report once you've been blindfolded and decapitated.

Now, post-Halloween pumpkin disposal festivities are not entirely uncommon, as evidenced by the Pumpkin Smash, an event that takes place in my own beloved neighborhood.

The Punkin Chunkin is, however, sui generis.

First off, it's pretty safe to say that the bulk of the attendees here voted for Bush. It's also pretty safe to say that they voted for Bush right after blowing the face off a deer with a Winchester .30-30. We're talkin' full tilt, right-from-the-handbook clodhoppers: confederate flags, overalls, unironic facial hair, and the very latest in camouflage casual straight from Cabela's. Providing entertainment was none other than musician/author/conservative-wackjob, Charlie Daniels.

In other words, leave your Hooray for Fags and Abortion! t-shirt at home.

Oh, and they're as serious about the actual pumpkin hurling as they are about the whole "boycott France" thing. To wit (excerpted from the official rules),

3. All Machines must be able to fire within three (3) minutes. Human power will get an additional two (2) minutes to cock the machine. (Keep in mind that every attempt is made to give you (20) minutes by informing you 4 machines or more down the firing line.) Any machine not able to fire when the pit boss decides...

And it goes on like that for, like, ever.

So, what exactly did our correspondents learn? Let see,

Despite the two hour drive and one hour wait to enter the “parking lot” (a crude extension of the punkin playground), we arrived in good spirits. After all, there were punkins to be hurled/ejected. Lest you think that punkins have only one way of becoming airborne, think again. The categories include air cannons, catapults, trebuchets and more. Last year’s champion air cannon, Old Glory, scored an inconceivable 4,220 feet! However, my favorite air cannon name is Second Amendment. There are official rules for distance measurements and general safety. Hey, this is THE world championship Punkin Chunkin, not just some division AA pumpkin toss.

And could you imagine a better way to wrap up two days of punkin lovin’ fun than with everyone’s favorite groove armada, The Charlie Daniels Band? [Ed. note: Yes.]

Frankly, as a brown guy from the city, my "general rule of safety" would have been to stay the holy fuck away from Millsboro, Delaware. But hey, it's 2005 and we should at least be happy that it wasn't the 20th annual Slave Chunkin/Lynch-O-Palooza or some shit.

My gratitude to our fearless Philadelphia correspondents for braving the hinterlands and filing this report.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Diary of a Female Cabby

I have become a regular reader of New York Hack, a female cab driver here in NYC. She offers an interesting glimpse into cab driving subculture, complete with on-the-spot photos of her various adventures.

Who drives the worst, Jerseyites or Mercedes owners (Mercedes-owning Jerseyites?)? How much time should you budget to get from Midtown to JFK in rush hour? Oh, and she doesn't want to talk to you, so shut the fuck up and just enjoy the ride.