Here’s one for the WTF Files — Sideshow Collectibles is selling an exact replica of the countdown watch Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell) wore in the sci-fi classic, Escape From New York (1981). The Lifeclock One Snake Edition Smartwatch Prop Replica made by Ridgewood Watch Co. certainly paid attention to the details. But presumably the watch isn’t loaded with micro-explosives that will rupture your carotid arteries if you fail some sort of mission.

From the press release: “The Lifeclock one features a countdown, 22:59’:59” (Hartford Summit configuration only), standard and military time options, the ability to program up to 8 world clocks, display the date in 1 of 5 formats, stopwatch, 18 display animations and 8 character animations. With the app you can access the smartphone camera shutter release, push notifications of incoming and missed calls, voicemails, SMS & iMessage, app notifications (Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Pinterest, LinkedIn, and more to come). The activity monitor tracks steps independent of your smartphone. A customizable daily alarm is also included.”

That’s a wrist-full. But here’s the real mind-blower — the oversized time piece, which doesn’t go with anything except combat spandex, is $399.00. If you’re so inclined to burn money, order yours by clicking HERE. If not, then here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not rupture your carotid arteries and/or combat spandex…

THE OUTER WILD (available now)
“In this post-apocalyptic frontier western, mankind has given way to a new breed of beast, mutated from man. The survivor Laura may be the cure to these mutations but she flees to save herself. Aided by a hunter sent to catch her, she braves the dangerous unnatural wilderness in order to find a fabled refuge of freedom — and only there will she discover the fate of humanity at the end of the world.”

Apparently, this came out in September of the lost year of 2018. I must’ve been doing my laundry and the darn thing went right over my boxed detergent. As for the fabled refuge of freedom, that may be what they call it in the Apocalypse. But in the here and now we call it “7-Eleven™”.

PERFECT SKIN (August 25, 2018/UK | 2019 U.S.)
“This independent British feature film explores tattooing and body modification, and follows Katia, a young Polish woman, and her relationship with a mysterious tattoo artist — taking a dark turn as her fascination with him grows.”

I find the only way to get perfect skin is to use Scrubbing Bubbles™ followed by a moisturizing coat of floor wax. Most brands do the trick. P.S. Don’t do that — you might bump into me and get it all over my KISS t-shirt.

THE INTRUDER (2018/2019)
“A young married couple buy a beautiful Napa Valley home only to find that the man they bought it from refuses to let go of the property…and he slowly terrorizes them.”

The trailer for this one is nut house and goes straight to crazy town. And if you look closely enough, you’ll see nods to The Shining (1980) and Psycho (1960). I proclaim that to be quite cool.

MISSING LINK (April 12, 2019)
Meet Mr. Link: 8 feet tall, 630 lbs, and covered in fur, but don’t let his appearance fool you…he is funny, sweet, and adorably literal, making him the world’s most lovable legend. Tired of living a solitary life in the Pacific Northwest, Mr. Link recruits fearless explorer Sir Lionel Frost to guide him on a journey to find his long-lost relatives in the fabled valley of Shangri-La. Along with adventurer Adelina Fortnight, our fearless trio of explorers encounter more than their fair share of peril as they travel to the far reaches of the world to help their new friend.”

Normally, I wouldn’t beer fever dream of putting up an animated family film for preview, but this one’s about Bigfoot, though they don’t call him that. (Mr. Link? Yeesh.) They also give away his weight. Good thing he’s a dude; if this was a female cryptid, cartoon or not, you’d likely get your face smashed in. A safer way to skirt (sorry) the weight issue is to just say, “Why, no — all that fur doesn’t make you look at all fat.”

Wicked, Wicked (1973)is the world’s first slasher movie shown in split-screen, or “Duo-Vision.” You get to see the killer and the about-to-be-killed at the same time. Today we call this multi-tasking.

A stabbing psycho kills only women with blonde hair, those evil-but-sexy hotties. Not content with making them un-alive, he dismembers them, too. How lovely.

I thought watching two movies at the same time on the same screen would be kinda cool. All it did was give me a wicked-wicked headache. The killer wears a monster mask while he does his hack-y sack so, like, that part was acceptable.

New teaser art for the upcoming season three of Ash vs. Evil Dead, one of the fun/funniest/goriest shows on the ‘ol Magnavox™. The 10-episode season launches on Sunday, February 25, 2018 at 9PM ET/PT on Starz™. Sunday’s are usually my night to stay in and wash my hair. But I can out it off for a week to see Ash buzz through demons with his chainsaw arm.

From the press release: “Ash vs Evil Dead Season 3 finds Ash’s status in Elk Grove, Michigan has changed from murderous urban legend to humanity-saving hometown hero. When Kelly witnesses a televised massacre with Ruby’s fingerprints all over it, she returns with a new friend to warn Ash and Pablo that evil isn’t done with them yet. Blood is thicker than water in the battle of good vs Evil Dead!”

While we impatiently wait five more months, here are a few just released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not lube your chainsaw, metaphorical or otherwise…

BnB HELL (available now)
“A young woman’s hunt for her missing sister ends at a rundown bed and breakfast in the Hollywood Hills run by an ill-tempered woman called Mommy. Disturbing messages left by former guests suggest unsettling secrets lay buried there.”

Was only a matter of time before the BnB craze became the framework for horror. Already done using the Uber™/Lyft™ model with Ryde (2017): “Technology brings us closer. Or perhaps it brings strangers a little too close. But how much can you really trust someone? With a new ride share service, you never know who you’ll be getting in a car with. Or if you’ll ever get out.” Not a good way to get tips or a clickable star rating. Still, better than the city bus and/or taxis.

DEVIL’S NIGHT (available now/VOD)
“Daniel, a charismatic teen from a broken home, wants nothing more than to get out of the trailer park. After scraping together just enough money to buy a video camera, he begins making YouTube™ videos in the hope that his antics will lead him to a better life. But when his videos fail to catch on and all his friends leave for college, Daniel’s left all alone. Undeterred, he discovers an old documentary about a serial killer who brutally murdered seven people in a satanic sacrifice not too far from his hometown. Thinking this might be his last chance for success, he decides to film a video in the killer’s house, only to summon an evil worse than anything he could have possibly imagined.”

Good idea — go into a killer’s house of evil with a camera. There’s a reason demons don’t take selfies. And since when are dumbass antics broadcast on social media a career path? Teens be dumb.

78/52 (October 13, 207)
“An unprecedented look at the iconic shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho (1960), the ‘man behind the curtain,’ and the screen murder that profoundly changed the course of world cinema.”

They’re correct — that one scene, which even has college courses dedicated to it, all but defined modern horror movies, scream queens, slashers and screechy violin music. I once had a Psycho shower scene shirt — it read: “Wash all of life’s problems down the drain.” That’s not just funny, but LOL funny.

APOCALYPSE CULT (October, 2017/VOD/DVD)
“While investigating the legend of a mysterious group of people living in the forest, a local news crew comes across an all-too-real doomsday cult. Trapped in their grasp, the news crew must find a way to escape before they execute their final act of devotion.”

This one actually came out in Australia, home of giant bouncing rabbits, back in 2014. Don’t know why it took so long to get here in the States. Maybe the Land Down Under was dealing with their plague of kid-eating dingos and mosh pit razorbacks. That’s a good excuse as any. Note to self: plan vacation to Australia and taunt nature after drinking multiple cans of XXXX Gold 12.4% beer.

ONCE UPON A TIME AT CHRISTMAS (December 12, 2017/DVD)
“Meet Santa and Mrs. Claus: he’s a one-eyed fiend, she’s a curvy, bat-swinging blonde. This serial killer couple is terrorizing the holidays in an upstate New York town with a series of horrific homicides. Though the victims seem random — a mall Santa, a smooching couple, an innocent family — high-schooler Jennifer and clever cop Sam begin to unravel the sinister pattern behind the slayings. Can they stop the murders before Christmas comes — and there’s no one left to celebrate?”

Diggin’ the twist: Santa and his dame are serial killers. But I have a few questions: like how many gangsta elves are in their employ? Does this mean their getaway car is a reindeer-fueled sled? Are candy canes used as stabby tools of the trade? Can’t wait for Christmas.

“I’ve got a clause in my contract that says if I get killed, I get paid extra!” insists Molly Ringwald as the actress re-hired to finish her role in Hot Blooded, a horror film never completed due to the director and lesser life forms dying from gaping knife wounds.

The producers of this overly-derivative Australian slasher flick should hand Molly a check as her incredibly lame performance of a petulant B-movie diva makes you wanna pull a Michael Myers on her.

Film students, looking to complete the cursed horror movie 10 years later, invoke the ire of the masked psycho, who returns to poke acting holes in the thespians with his trusty garden shears.

Heads get chopped off, throats are impaled, and one unfortunate little lady’s twenty-something haircut falls prey to an automatic woodchopper. The only way to stop the unstoppable killer is to destroy the film print because (yawn) “evil was created when it was filmed.”

A sub-titled Spanish psycho-drama, Abre Los Ojos(aka, Open Your Eyes/1997) involves a young, rich guy who is so handsome, he could be my doppelganger. More or less.

A car accident leaves his photo framing-worthy mug horribly scarred and eventually warps his mind to the point where he’s having trouble sorting out reality from his fantasy world in which he had his face repaired and is compromising his best friend’s girlfriend.

All things being equal, he ends up killing a chick while horizontally dating her, just to make sense of his nightmare, the poor guy. But that’s just the beginning.

Where this incredible gem throws its knockout punch is near the end, which is a twist of biblical proportions. That the boobies are perfecto and are but a mere bonus; the story is quite riveting. Sci-fi, horror, suspense, naked stuff, Abre Los Ojos is mucho grande.

P.S. Abre Los Ojos/Open Your Eyes was remade in as Vanilla Sky in 2001 and stars Tom Cruise, who is pretty much my doppelganger.

’Ol Eddy Gein – simple Plainfield, Wisconsin farm boy, eater of pork ’n beans, collector of women’s naughty parts – was the Norman Bates of his day. And like Norm, Ed was ruled by the oppressive memory of his dead, Revelations-spouting mommy, which caused him to go out and cleanse the world of harlots, hookers, and assorted skanks.

Ed Gein (2000) is based on the true adventures of Ed and his grave-robbing/serial killing spree of the ’50s, and gave Leatherface a bankable career. That said, this lurid and grim flick sticks to the roof of your mouth like peanut butter. Or dead skin covered in peanut butter.

When he’s not killing and dissecting women to make his own skin suit (which he dances around in during full moons), he seems likable enough, baby-sitting neighborhood kids, hanging out at the corner bar, buying anti-freeze and rat poison at the town’s hardware store. But let mamma get in his brain, and schiz hits the fan.

Not particularly gory (although there are icky body parts and human faces made into masks), the true eeriness is actual 1950s newsreel footage of the real Ed Gein’s arrest on his farm after the killings. Steve Railsback plays the title character just a little too good; just don’t go over to his farm to congratulate him.

P.S. Try your very bestest not to confuse this Ed Gein with Ed Gein:The Butcher of Plainfield, released in 2007. It’d be easy to, though, given that it’s the exact same movie and titled so close as to be a sequel.

The Evil Gene is a new supernatural horror movie pending release 2015, and seeks to lift the lid and jiggle the handle on what makes bad people do even badder things unbecoming of socially-acceptable behavior outside of a bar. But as many attorneys over the years who have argued on behalf of their killer clients, they try to shift the blame on innocent demons that’ve taken up residence in the ’ol bent noodle.

So, yeah – The Evil Gene is a movie about possession, specifically that of the demonic persuasion. (Other types of possession include sweet refreshing alcohol, prescription drugs, and candy cigarettes.) And it’s up to science to provide a court-case study of this so-called “evil” gene.

Here’s what they’re selling us: “Scientists studying the DNA of mass murderers have discovered a rare gene, HSS-282, that they associate with violent, psychotic behaviors. Federal prison inmates possessing the gene have been isolated in a remote correctional facility for further observation and testing.”

“When an FBI Agent is sent to the secret government research facility to investigate a mysterious death, he begins to experience terrifying visions of his tragic past. Under the guidance of the prison priest, he becomes convinced that a demon is at work in the compound — while others become concerned about his increasingly erratic behavior and the inner ‘demons’ he has brought with him.”

Yep, he’s got the evil gene, no doubt. On that note, I knew a guy named Gene back in my pre-demonically possessed days. His nickname was “Evil.” (It’s a metal thing.) I don’t think Gene was legitimately evil, but he could be a real dick after six or seven party beers.