Listen up men, and listen
up good. If you want to score with the ladies, the special ladies, there's only one way to go
about it. Forget about buying them flowers, chocolates, and expensive
jewelry... if you want to open the lock to their hearts, then consider
Fabio to be the key. Fabio is a muscular man of mystery. He's larger
than life. He can't believe it's not butter. He's one with nature. And most
importantly... he is wise in the ways of the international language of
love. Sure, you could pick up one of the many, many, many romance
novels that he's appeared on the cover of...

But if you really want to
get into the mind of this Italian inamorato, you need to hear his thoughts
on love straight from his pulpy lips. Yes, Fabio recorded an album called
"After Dark," and while you may not see it on TRL anytime
soon, it boggles my mind why it hasn't become the #1 selling album in the
history of the world due to its utter hilarity.

Saying "it's so bad it's
good" just doesn't do enough justice for this album. You really have to
pop it in and listen to Fabio fumble his way through the English language
as he tries to sound sexy in a deep voice while sharing his innermost
thoughts. Only then will you truly appreciate the absurdity of it all.

Now let's go into more
detail about each track and you'll even have a chance to listen to a few
of them along the way:

• Fabio:
About Romance [click to listen ]Oh yeah! Listen to that pornolicious music! So Fabio wants to share
his recipe for a perfect evening between to lovers. But he doesn't
pronounce it as "lovers," no he calls them "LAAAAAWVORS".
And why? Because that's how you talk when you're sexy like Fabio. "A
song can speak for me when I cannot put my feelings into words."
In other words, you should have music playing 24 hours, eh Fabio? And can
someone tell me just what in the hell is up with that choir that breaks in
there at the end of the song with all the "ooohs" and "aaahs"?

• Suddenly - (Billy Ocean)How can I make fun of the guy who brought us hits such as "Caribbean
Queen (No More Love on the Run)," "When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough
Get Going," and "Get Outta My Dreams, Get into My Car" ? I just can't
bring myself to do it. Billy Ocean is the man. That being said, I have no
idea why the hell he's on this album. Unless, of course, he stared into
those big, wanting eyes of Fabio and fell under his charming spell. It's
ok Billy, we've all been there before my friend. We've all been there
before...

•
Fabio: On Inner Beauty [click to listen ]Sound familiar?
Yeah, that's cuz it's the same music as track 1. And you know what? It
doesn't even matter. When you have a golden track like that combined with
the hauntingly erotic voice of Fabio, there's no reason to steer the
vessel of love in another direction. Wait, what'd I just say? Damn that
Fabio! I'm under his spell yet again! Just listen to him! Fabio isn't all
muscles... "I can be very shy!" You see that? He's got a
sensitive, tender side too. "I LAAAWVE to take her any place where I
can devohhht all my attention to her." God, why can't it be me
that he's talking about? WHY???

•
Tender Love - (Force M.D.'s)I think they play
this song in church. Next.

•
Fabio: On Films [click to listen ]Oh yeah, back to
the fabulous Fabio! My friends, we are all students in the University of
Lawwwve, and Fabio is the professor. "I waaaaahndor, weeel she kiss
me like dat? Weeel I always be de hero awf her life?" Fabio, my
nipples are ripe with anticipation. You'll always be the hero of my life.
ALWAYS!

•
Reservations for Two - (Kashif)You'd think that
with a name like "Kashif" that you could do no wrong, yes?NO. I'll put it this way: Kashif has nothing on Starship.

• Fabio: On Tropical Islands [click to listen ]Stop the press! We have a new musical background! Oh shit, he's
busting out the saxophone now! This must be the official "it's time to
get down to business" song of the album. "Feesh from dee wator.
Froots from dee trees. And waaaaahndorfool silence." The man has a
way with words, I feel like I've been swept away to paradise, don't you? "And
dee only music is dee music we make togetharr."

•
Can't Wait Another Minute - (Hi-Five)You know, these
songs in-between Fabio's seductive tracks are officially pissing me off.
It's like he has you all to himself, and just when he has you at the
height of ecstasy, he puts your mom on the speaker phone.

•
Fabio: When Somebody Loves Somebody [click to listen ]Uh oh, we're back
to the original music, but Fabio's mixing it up this time. Something's
different. Notice how echoic his voice is now? That's right, he's going to
sing!! "Eeees STRAAAANGE how I feel! Everything seems so unreal.
There is no looking back once you get a LAWWWVE ATTACK. When somebody
loves somebody... DESSSSPORATELY!" Ok listen... all written
material is hereby inferior to the beautifully crafted poetry of Fabio.

•
Fabio: On Humor [click to listen ]Piano and a
Tamborine? That Fabio is mixing it up again! And what better track to do
it on than a lighthearted one in which Fabio discusses his thoughts on
humor! "Dee chiiiiiiiiild in us comes out, and we are free to play
ahhnd explore aaanything in our minds or in our hearts." Oh Fabio,
you're such a class act, not even mentioning the other places we could
spelunk... I mean "explore".

•
Let's Put It All Together - The StylisticsNo. I'm not even
reviewing this song. If it's not Fabio, it's not worth my time. That goes
for all material on this site from this day forth. Expect to see the name
of the site change to I-Fabio soon.

•
Fabio: On Surprises [click to listen ]The piano song
again eh? Ok Fabio, it's clear to me that the path to being a true
LAAAWVOR is not scripted. It's completely random. Your thoughts on
surprises only drives this point home. "I like nawthing bettor than
to surprise my lady weeth a plane teecket, and a toothbrush, and her
bikini." Wait a minute, what exactly are you going to do to her
with those three things? You lost me Fabio! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I'M
LOST WITHOUT YOUR WISE WORDS TO WOO THE WOMEN!

•
Maldive Sunset [Instrumental]Oh yeah, the
instrumental version of the saxophone song for us to get our groove on
with.
And at a whopping 4 minutes, we'll be able to do it twice!

•
Fabio: On Slow Dancing
[click to listen ]"I want to
hear her say 'YES!' I want to kees her for a very, VERY long time. I can't
help myself. All I want to do is touch her." Fabio, your words
make me melt like the pseudo-butter you promote.

•
Songbird [Instrumental]Sorry babe, I
don't have enough love potion in me for another instrumental.

• I
Like You, You Like Me - Barry WhiteI guess they just
threw this song on the album for the few of you who might worry that the
soothing voice of Fabio wouldn't be quite enough to "set the mood" for you
and your lady. For shame. You must trust the Fabio.

•
Fabio: Ciao [click to listen ]Yes! Way to treat
us to that porno music once more before the album ends! This basically is
Fabio explaining how he leaves behind his naked, quivering ladies and
ventures out to find another victim of his LAAAWVE ATTACK. Fabio is simply
too much man for just one woman to love.
"CIAO BELLISSIMA!"

In conclusion...

One listen to this album
will make your lady remove her clothes without question. She'll crave your
manlove for days on end until you no longer have the strength to unsheathe
your lance just one more time. And when she tells all her friends about
how you rocked her world, you'll have just one man to thank...