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Rogers Communications has plans for world domination. So do I. But which of us will succeed?

Rogers has, among other things, Blue Jays, wireless, cable, Sportsnet and the ability to suck major money from my chequing account for a PVR set-top box that apparently runs on whale oil. You’d think they’d be embarrassed to rent gear this ancient.

My set-top box is my own brain, a small but fizzing thing that is easily the equal of the think-tank Rogers is joining forces with “to create a whole new sport that we would actually own.” Broadcast president Scott Moore told this to Globe media reporter Steve Ladurantaye, saying he wasn’t funnin’, he was serious and that the plan involved “some great Olympic athletes.”

Imagine that. They want to invent a new sport. Tennis was new once. So was hockey. I abandoned hockey after its excessive corporatization. But we aren’t talking about devilish forces like that or privatization or media integration here.

We’re talking about inventing a sport and patenting it, a sport so irresistible and enchanting to the many that if Rogers got it right, it could become the Microsoft of sports. Not Apple. Rogers will never be cool. But it hopes to become very rich indeed.

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Ladurantaye has reported that Rogers is thinking about obstacle courses. I’m not. And when Rogers buys my game, they’ll have to pay me royalties.

I actually think Rogers got its invent-a-sport idea from Season 3 of 30 Rock, when fictional NBC boss Jack Donaghy secretly invented new Olympic sports to make the sad-sack Games profitable for owner GE and its parent, Sheinhardt Wig Company.

Olympic Tetherball, Synchronized Running, Octuples Tennis, anything to make the Olympics less deadly. And the bored summer audience fell for it. Octuples Tennis looked like a cocktail party with racquets. Tetherball (the ball was tied up) was violent and hard on the athletes, but it was easily as plausible as water polo or horse dancing, a.k.a dressage.

And what about golf, which is portly, badly dressed people batting a tiny white ball into a distant hole, easily the silliest sport of all, what with the hushed announcers and middle-aged men working as caddies? Amazing.

Here’s my Olympic sports brainstorm: Uphill Skiing, which takes more body strength than downhill and is easier to follow. American audiences notoriously couldn’t track the puck in hockey, even after it went neon, so how about Slow Hockey with big curling rocks instead of pucks?

Then there’s my personal favourite, Nude Rugby (this is my revenge for Lingerie Football), although it would attract only a fringe audience. Most of us can get that sort of thing at home.

Speaking of family, how about Family Luge in massive bobsleighs, standing up? Or Aquatic Show Jumping, that would be good, with the stallions leaping out of the water and the riders bearing tridents to spear the other riders, or am I getting carried away here?

The ultimate would be combining a timed sport in a medium that fights the athlete — the Olympic backstroke for instance — with an accuracy sport in an endless medium, like skeetshooting. Might have to hold the Swimshoot events outdoors, which is all the better in winter.

I can’t see that these Olympic sports would have mass appeal though, and that’s what the Rogers people are after, something that can be played in the minors or even grade school, as well as in a stadium with professional players earning minimum wage and an audience paying $25,000 for season tickets. You invent it, you make the rules. And Rogers grew up with cable company rules, if you follow me.

I’ll call the game Shock and Awe or colloquially, Shockinaw™ — I can hardly call it Lebensraum — in which two teams face each other behind an actual line, a banner that can be moved up or down a field no larger than a soccer pitch. The game’s about acreage, speed and violence combined with a growing level of fear. Players use flat bats to beat each other back and forth until the whistle blows.

I can’t decide if the net should be earthbound and tiny, as in hockey, or aerial as in Quidditch. But the key to the game is that the line will be moved to give the winning team more and more room, and the losing team less. The winners will gradually take over the field, leaving the losers corralled in a space the size of a closet, where it is easier to score, as well as to run them down and beat them. This is where the terror comes in.

If Rogers buys my idea, which I expect they will, opposing Shockinaw teams will wear different colours but the same logo, that of Rogers. It’s their beautiful game, after all, so the house always wins.

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