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Last week, the first pair left Dancing With the Stars Season 16. But it wasn't an actual elimination. Dorothy Hamill exited the show voluntarily after a back injury prevented her from continuing. "I felt so bad for Dorothy," DWTS expert Louis van Amstel tells Hollywood.com. "As an athlete, when you have an injury, it is even worse because you know what you cannot do. It is so frustrating. You could see [her pain] but at the same time you could still see the musicality and her natural ability of movement. I hope she takes care of her injury and it goes away fast."
The silver lining of Hamill's exit meant that struggling contestant D.L. Hughley was deemed safe, and has another chance to win over the audience tonight. "I'm worried for D.L.," van Amstel says. "When I saw his package, my thought was, 'You’re going home. Your package just ruined it for you. Stop whining!'"
But van Amstel thinks Hughley has it in him to turn it around thanks to his apology to his partner Cheryl Burke last week. "He had a revelation and he kind of redeemed himself after he danced because that was a very self-deprecating moment where he said he was wrong," van Amstel says. "It was good TV because it was very positive in the end. But will America be that forgiving, I don’t know."
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Another competitor who had a tough time last week was Wynonna Judd, but van Amstel is confident that won't hurt her going forward. "Instead of calling that a breakdown, I call that a revelation. It was a breakthrough," van Amstel says. "In that moment she let go, and her quickstep was pretty good. I agree with the judges that it was very safe, but it is still early and she will now have to up her game. It was a good moment for her to let it out, let it go, and move on, which she did."
As for Andy Dick, van Amstel thinks he's got nothing to worry about despite his less-than-perfect dancing ability. "Andy is not going home," van Amstel says. "From the package point of view, from costuming, staging, production value, dance content, music, they had the best performance. I’m not talking his dance ability, because Zendaya, Kellie [Pickler], and Jacoby Jones are way better dancers but with the package, the comedy played up to his strengths. I thought it was the best package as a whole of the night, and I did not see that coming."
The top three dancers of the night according to van Amstel are still the same as Week 1: Zendaya, Pickler, and Jones. "Kellie won the night, by far. But having said that, Zendaya had to perform and dance in heels and had to learn proper jive. That is harder," van Amstel says. "So to me, the girls are in the top three. And do not rule out Jacoby Jones. The guy was amazing, and he is not a dancer. He is a football player. In the packages, that’s where Jacoby Jones shines. His personality is contagious."
Tune in to Dancing With the Stars on Mondays at 8 PM ET/PT, and Tuesdays at 9 PM ET/PT on ABC.
Follow Sydney on Twitter: @SydneyBucksbaum
[Photo Credit: Adam Taylor/ABC]
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Jersey Shore Star Gets A Life: Jenni "JWoww" Farley just landed a recurring role on the long-running soap One Life To Live, which is re-launching on April 29th on Hulu, Hulu Plus and iTunes thanks to The Online Network. She will play Nikki, a bartender hired at the trendy nightclub Shelter, and can mix an Alabama Slammer as well as she can flirt with customers. As Shelter’s newest barmaid, club owner Blair Cramer (Kassie DePaiva) knows that it’s best to keep an eye on Nikki so things don’t get out of control. [Via Press Release]
Scorsese Heads to TV: Miramax and Martin Scorsese have teamed to develop a television series based on Scorsese’s 2002 movie Gangs Of New York (which was released by Miramax). The series will focus on organized gangs at the turn of the century and shortly thereafter in America, not only in New York but in other cities such as Chicago and New Orleans and the birth of organized crime in America. "This time and era of America’s history and heritage is rich with characters and stories that we could not fully explore in a two-hour film," Scorsese says. "A television series allows us the time and creative freedom to bring this colorful world, and all the implications it had and still does on our society, to life." [Deadline]
Grey's Anatomy Hires One Tree Hill Alum: A new doctor is coming to work in Seattle. One Tree Hill alum Hilarie Burton has signed on for a recurring guest role on Grey's Anatomy as a craniofacial specialist who visits Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital to work on a case. She'll make her debut in early May. [E!]
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Once Upon a Time Spinoff Castings: Sophie Lowe and Michael Socha has just been cast as one of the three leads in ABC‘s possible Once Upon A Time spinoff presentation, Once: Wonderland. OUAT creators Eddy Kitsis and Adam Horowitz focused the presentation in pre-curse Wonderland and the story is told through the point of view of Alice (Lowe), who is surrounded by two major characters, The Knave of Hearts (Socha), a sardonic adventurer, a man of action, a loner and a heart-breaker; and Amahl, described as exotic, soulful and optimistic. Additionally, Peter Gadiot has been cast as Alice's mysterious love interest, Cyrus. Production is slated to begin April 7 in Vancouver, immediately following the season wrap of OUAT. [Deadline, THR]
Dads Casts New Wife: Vanessa Lachey has just joined Fox’s six-episode multi-camera comedy series Dads. She is now a regular after a recent recasting. From the creators of Ted, Dads centers on two successful guys in their 30s, Eli (Seth Green) and Warner (Tommy Dewey), who have their lives turned upside down when their nightmare dads (Peter Riegert, Martin Mull) unexpectedly move in with them. Lachey will play Camilla, Warner’s (Dewey) wife and, the mother of their two children (replacing Erin Pineda in the role). [Deadline]
From a Partner to a Friend: David Krumholtz (Partners) has joined NBC’s Brenda Forever pilot. He will play a close friend of Ellie Kemper's Brenda, a 31-year-old who does her own thing. He’ll appear as a guest star in the pilot, but if the project goes to series, there’s a good chance he’ll be back. The potential series would consist of stories from Brenda Miller’s past and present, creating a unique portrait of how a chubby, awkward but incredibly confident 13-year-old grew up to be the woman she is today. [TVLine]
Follow Sydney on Twitter: @SydneyBucksbaum
[Photo Credit: Patrick Harbron/The Online Network]
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Season 16 of Dancing With the Stars kicked it off in style last week with a new type of dance, flashy dresses, and surprising talent. After only one night of performances, pro dancer Louis van Amstel has already picked his favorite — and least favorite — pairs. He also weighed in on the new contemporary style that's shaking up the ballroom.
This season, DWTS has introduced two new styles of dance to the competition: jazz and contemporary. Because contemporary dance, performed barefoot, is typically more emotional than technical , its inclusion is causing some controversy in the competition. "The new style, contemporary, is definitely causing tension, and I think that’s the exact reason for the producers to do it," van Amstel tells Hollywood.com. "I do think from a pure dancing point of view, it is comparing apples to oranges between a ballroom and a latin dance, but at least they’re both within ballroom dancing. And now you’re adding contemporary."
The DWTS expert knows that as weeks progress, the audience will get to see the pairs perform both ballroom and contemporary dances, but after only Week 1, it makes judging difficult. "Right now, how am I going to compare the contemporary to a foxtrot?" van Amstel wonders. "But I don’t think it’s bad — it shakes things up. It’s a little early, but I will say the contemporary dances were the best dances of the night this week."
The dance van Amstel is referring to was 16-year-old Disney Channel star Zendaya Coleman and her partner, Val Chmerkovskiy. "Because it was so hard to judge contemporary, I think that Val and his partner did great. But then again, it’s a young girl and it looks like she has dance experience," van Amstel says. "But I think from what we’ve seen, Kellie Pickler [and partner Derek Hough] stole the night. I mean, the girl looked stunning. She literally could have walked out onto a competitive ballroom dance floor. She kicked ass."
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As for Olympic gold medalist Aly Raisman, van Amstel thinks she will only get better from here. "I really hope that she’s going to use this to add to her own training, to become more artistic and expressive within movement rather than just execution of tricks," van Amstel says. "I think her journey is going to be very interesting to see the progress that she’s going to make. Apparently she was really nervous, but I would definitely not count her out. That girl just needs to get over her nerves."
The pair that van Amstel is most worried about is comedian D.L. Hughley and Cheryl Burke. "Cheryl’s partner was just the worst," van Amstel says. "That was a mess. I love Cheryl, and I know she was probably pulling her hair out. He might be a sweetheart as a person but just looking from a dancing point of view, I’m worried for him."
Before the pairs take the stage again tonight and face their first elimination this week, van Amstel gives some advice for the stars. "Don’t forget that people are watching and voting. And they don’t vote just on what’s right and wrong or good and great. It’s really the personality," van Amstel says. "But people that have great personalities, they have to really start working on their dancing quality, because the judges will eventually call them out and tell the people pretty much what to do. It’s always a balancing act between grow as a dancer each week, but don’t forget that it’s still an entertaining show, and not just a dance competition only. And vice versa."
Tune in to Dancing With the Stars on Mondays at 8 PM ET/PT, and Tuesdays at 9 PM ET/PT on ABC.
Follow Sydney on Twitter: @SydneyBucksbaum
[Photo Credit: Adam Taylor/ABC]
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It’s George’s birthday tonight on Suburgatory, but not everyone is having a happy celebration. That’s right, trouble’s coming to our favorite Chatswin residents, in both their relationships with their significant others and their families.
Father of the year Jeremy Sisto chatted with Hollywood.com (while his adorable daughter was chiming in in the background) about the dark times ahead for George, Dallas (Cheryl Hines), Tessa (Jane Levy), Dalia (Carly Chaikin), and Noah (Alan Tudyk)… as well as an amazing, can’t-miss musical moment coming at the end of tonight’s episode. Seriously, you really don’t want to miss this.
“It’s my birthday, and Dallas gets me this present that I think is just completely wrong," Sisto tells Hollywood.com. "It’s hideous, but it’s fine because the thing that George finds endearing is how she tries and fails. But she gets hurt when he gets really moved by Tessa’s gift — she framed something from back in the time when I was still with Tessa’s mom. Dallas has insecurities that I’ll never feel as strongly [about her] as I felt about Tessa’s mom. George probably feels that way too some degree, so she’s hurt.”
And that’s how this memorable musical moment comes into play. “I try to cheer her up," Sisto says. "Earlier in the episode, I asked if there was any song I could play her, and she says R. Kelly’s 'Bump and Grind'... I learn the song and I perform it for her at this deli, so I’m looking forward to seeing that myself.”
But that might be the only happy moment we see for awhile, as drama is about to unfold for everyone. "[Tessa and George] end [the season] very poorly," Sisto says. "I plan to move in with Dallas and Dalia, [and] there is this rivalry between [Tessa] and Dalia. They get into a crazy physical fight.”
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We’ve seen Dalia and Tessa throw verbal punches in the past, but what could possibly bring them to physical blows? “Dalia does something that in turn breaks Tessa and Ryan up, so Tessa’s got a real bone to pick with her,” Sisto says. “They eventually get into a huge fight, and that’s when I tell her, 'Oh, by the way, you’re going to be living together...' She refuses to do it. She goes into the city to find her mom, and her mom has actually moved into the Chatswin area just in case [Tessa] wanted to develop a relationship.”
While we’re excited to see the return of Malin Ackerman as Tessa’s absent mother, could we really be seeing the end of Tessa and Ryan? Say it ain’t so! “[The breakup] was going to happen anyway, since he’s going away to college and they weren’t going to do long distance,” Sisto says. “I think Tessa is coming to terms with the fact that this isn’t the guy that she’s going to be with forever. She has to let him go, but she doesn’t want to do it yet. And that’s when Dalia just rushes things along.”
Dalia is also facing some dark times ahead, especially when we find out her deep, dark secret. “Dalia’s a hoarder!” Sisto says. “We’ve seen her as vapid and vacant of human emotion, [but] what we see this season more and more is how deep that goes.”
But the person having the most issues is Noah. “Everyone’s a mess, but he’s a real mess," Sisto says. "He left his wife for his nanny, but she doesn’t want to be with him, and now he’s got to be this single dad and he has no idea how to do it.”
And Noah will not be catching any breaks anytime soon. “His daughter comes back, and you come to understand that they’ve never been alone in a room together," Sisto says. "There is just no relationship between [them], and we peek into that. We will watch him unravel." Poor guy!
Watch Suburgatory on Wednesdays at 9:30 PM ET/PT on ABC.
Follow Sydney on Twitter: @SydneyBucksbaum
[Photo Credit: ABC/Adam Taylor]
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This news put me in a glass case of emotion. James Marsden has joined the cast of Anchorman: The Legend Continues, the sequel to Will Ferrell’s comedy classic. While plot details have been mainly kept secret, Deadline reports that Marsden will play a rival anchor and nemesis to Ferrell’s Ron Burgundy.
Unlike milk, this is a great choice. We know Marsden can bring the funny, thanks to his arc on 30 Rock’s final season as Criss Chros, Liz Lemon’s husband, as well as last year’s Bachelorette.
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Not much else has been leaked in regards to the highly anticipated sequel which shoots in March, but Christina Applegate did slip news of Kristen Wiig’s casting on Twitter earlier this month. Wiig will be playing the love interest to Steve Carell's idiotic Brick Tamland (to rival his love for lamp). Wiig and Marsden will join most of the original Anchorman cast: Ferrell, Applegate, and Carell, as well as Paul Rudd and David Koechner. Adam McKay is directing for the December 20, 2013 release.
Follow Sydney on Twitter: @SydneyBucksbaum
[Photo Credit: Wenn]
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This week’s episode of Glee, was absolutely, 100 percent ridiculously wonderful. I have a lot to say, so I’m not going to waste any more of your precious Glee-loving time with a long intro. From cold feet to hot bedroom scenes, I’m here to catch you up on everything you may have missed and more in, “I Do.”
So Here’s What You Missed On Glee
Pre-Wedding Craziness: The episode opens in the most perfectly wonderful way: Finn and Rachel are together! (Side-Note: Currently writing my thank you notes to cupid for bringing these two together for Valentine’s Day. Who needs love when you can obsess over a fictional couple that lives in your TV screen, amiright?) The Lima Bean is decked out in Valentine’s Day décor and a distraught-looking Finn thanks Rachel for agreeing to meet with him.
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Rachel launches into an explanation of why Brody is not there with her, but Finn quickly cuts her off, admitting the one thing that made millions of Gleeks gasp last week: “I kissed Miss Pillsbury.” A surprisingly cool and compassionate Rachel calms Finn down and says, “What you did, it wasn’t great. But I get it, you were confused and lonely and I’m sure that knowing that Brody and I are living together, it set you off.” To which Finn snaps, “Not everything is about you.” Rachel advises her former flame to channel his acting skills, keep his mouth shut and be the best best man he can for Mr. Schue. (Side-Note: Oh my God it’s only been two minutes and this episode is already amazing!)
Emma’s inner anguish is pouring out as she is trying to figure out the seating chart for the wedding, when Finn enters her office. Emma is in a full-blown OCD panic and tells Finn that he needs to “get over it” and pretend like nothing happened. “Look, when I get on that alter and I make my solemn vow for the second, and I hope the very last time, standing right behind my husband will be his best man. That’s you, the guy who thought it was okay to kiss me a week before my wedding. The guy who is forcing me to lie to my fiancé. And if you really want to help me then just keep a wide berth and keep your mouth shut.” (Side-Note: Holy crap! I get that you’re freaking the eff out right now Emma, but I’ve just got to say it: you didn’t look that upset the second after Finn’s lips touched your last week. And no one can blame you, have you seen that tall glass of sexy?)
Will obliviously enters the room and whisks Finn away to glee club practice, leaving Emma alone and shaking like a tiny Chihuahua. Will announces to the New Directions that he’d like them to be the entertainment at the reception and asks Finn to sing for him, in lieu of giving his best man speech. (Side-Note: That’s great that you want your students to perform, but come on Will — open up that wallet and pay for a deejay. Let the kids enjoy your wedding.)
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Jarley is walking down the hall and Marley is looking like she’s about to pee her panties with excitement. She presents Jake with an early Valentine’s Day gift — a pair of homemade and totally awesome typewriter button cufflinks — and scampers off to class with a spring in her step and a smile on her face. Ryder realizes that Jake needs some help coming up with the perfect gift for his girl, and promises to help his best bro give Marley the best Valentine’s week ever. (Side-Note: Um, hi Ryder. Here’s my heart. I just really really want you to have it. Mmkay thanks bye.)
An hour late and one spray tan later, Rachel meets Finn in the auditorium to help him find the perfect best man song. (Side-Note: No Rachel, you’re doing it wrong! Getting sprayed with cold orange, goo is not a way to spend your afternoon. Singing with your hot ex-boyfriend is how you should be spending your time. Sigh. When will you learn?)
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To calm Finn’s worries, Rachel suggests that they perform a duet at the reception. Finn unleashes a devilish smile and says, “I think the real issue here is whether or not you can handle singing with me, we do have some pretty intense musical chemistry.” Rachel then admits that Finn looks really cute, bites her bottom lip, and says that she’ll pick out a song. (Side-Note: Don’t try and hide it Rachel, we all know what you’re thinking…)
Over in Mr. Schue’s history class (Side-Note: Did anyone else forget that he stopped teaching Spanish?) Ryder is looking particularly squirmish. Jake then enters the room in a bright red, ruffly tux, and announces that he is there to sing Marley one of her favorite songs. The music starts, the other boys arrive in their matching suits, and Jake then serenades Marley with a lovely rendition of “You’re All I Need To Get By.” (Side-Note: The way Jake kisses Marley on the cheek is seriously swoon-worthy. And to all of you Glee-bees who are wondering: Yes, Jacob Artist is just as sweet and adorable in person — if not more so.)
NEXT: Cold Feet and Wedding Day Craziness!
Wedding Day Craziness: It’s the day of the wedding! While we are waiting for the ceremony to start we see a quick yet sweet Brittana wave/smile, and Santana then launches into one of her world famous rants about how much Valentine’s Day sucks. Quinn then sparks into some complaining of her own. “You know what I hate? Men. Every single one of them is a pig except for maybe Mr. Schue and Al Roker. And you know what, you were right, I do let men define me, but not anymore.” (Side-Note: Woo hoo! You go Quinn! Question: where did you get your jacket because it needs to be in my closet ASAP.)
Artie meets Betty, Emma’s niece and fellow wheel-chair bound babe. However, unlike Artie — aka the sweetest thing on the planet since cherry pie — Betty is rude, condescending and conceited. “I’m blonde, captain of the cheerleaders at my high school and I’ve got this going on,” Betty quips while grabbing her tatas. (Side-Note: Way to keep it classy, Betty.)
Meanwhile Klaine is making out in the backseat of a Prius. (Side-Note: GAAAAHHH! I’m so excited right now! I just ran around my apartment and did a happy dance complete with booty shaking and 2-3 shimmys. I love these two so much it hurts!) Just as things are getting hot and heavy, Kurt asks, “Wait this doesn’t mean that we’re back together right?” To which Blaine replies, “This is just bros helping bros.” (Side-Note: Label it whatever you want, but I’m calling it euphoria.) Mercedes then interrupts the back-seat sexytimes and says that she needs her “arm gays” to escort her into the wedding. (Side-Note: No! *stomps my feet like a two-year-old* Go away Mercedes! They’re busy!)
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Over in her dressing room Emma is officially 100 percent freaking out. And to make matters worse, Sue enters the room wearing an exact replica of Emma’s wedding dress. Emma looks like she’s about to pass out and says, “Sue I feel really scared, I feel really overwhelmed, I feel like I can’t think and I’m really worried that this isn’t going to work.”
Sue is absolutely no help and only reaffirms Emma’s fears that the wedding is a bad idea. (Side-Note: Someone needs to give Emma a Xanax, a shot of tequila and, a slap across the face right now. On the other hand, Jayma Mays’ acting is once again flawless, I literally feel anxious and sick to my stomach right now because her she is so damn convincing. Kudos to you, pretty ginger.)
Will and Emma then launch into one of the strangest yet amazing songs Glee has ever done, “Getting Married Today.” Emma is talking a mile a minute, but here’s the only line you need to hear: “But I thank you all for the gifts and the flowers. Thank you all, now it’s back to the showers. Don’t tell Will but I’m not getting married today.” Emma runs out of the back door or the church in a panic, flags down a cab, and breaks down hysterically crying in the backseat of her getaway vehicle. (Side-Note: That was the most stressful two minutes of TV I have ever seen. Ever. Give Jayma Mays all of the awards from now until eternity because that was pulse-quickening perfection.)
Becky is pelting the crowd with rose petals as she stomps down the aisle, and the music quickly halts when the door opens and Sue begins to walk to the alter. (Side-Note: When Brittany snapped a pic and mouthed, “You look so good!” to Sue, I pretty much died from laughter. I know that this is supposed to be a somber moment, but goodness gracious that cheerio can still deliver the best one-liners. Ever.) Will looks dumbfounded and Sue then utters four heartbreaking words, “Emma’s left the building.”
Finn is trying to fish information out of Will as to why Emma would take off. Will, looking like he is three seconds from sobbing, just says, “She didn’t have to tell me anything. I left her with all this stress and planning. She was losing it, and I kept telling her that it was her usual obsessiveness.” Santana then enters the church asking about the plan for the reception, and Will encourages the group to still have the party. “Just because I ruined my Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean I have to ruin all of yours too.”
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At the reception, Bram is awkwardly dancing together, so Santana and Quinn quickly leave the dance floor and head to the bar with their fake IDs for a glass of wine and a quick venting sesh. Santana tells her friend, “You know, we always were two ends of the same bitch goddess spectrum, maybe that’s why we love each other so much and slap each other." And Quinn then compliments Santana on how good she looks in her dress. (Side-Note: Ummm, okay. This is strange.)
Ryder and Jake are sitting at the reception, and the Glee writers are slowly but surely flipping the switch. Jake says that Marley has “Puckerman fever” and he only needs one more romantic gesture to make it fatal. Ryder looks distraught and says, “Do you think that maybe one of these gifts should be your idea?” (Side-Note: That’s funny Ryder. You’re the one who hijacked Jarley’s Valentine’s Week so you could inadvertently show Marley how much you love her. You told Jake that his ideas were dumb and that you had “a bunch” for your friend. So, do me a favor and stop trying to make Jake look bad right now.)
Ryder then hands Jake a heart pendent that he bought at the mall and Jake responds with, “You are my hero! I am so getting laid tonight." (Side-Note: Thank you Glee writers for taking a super sweet character and trying to squash it into the ground. I get that you want to create a love triangle, but can you try to be a bit more subtle?)
Kurt and Blaine hit the stage and we get to see an awesome ’80s inspired performance of “Just Can’t Get Enough.” (Side-Note: Yes! I haven’t been this excited since “Silly Love Songs.” Their chemistry on stage is absolutely electric, and for a second I totally forgot that they ever broke up.) Tina is once again acting ridiculously possessive over Blaine and practically hurdling daggers at Kurt with her eyes.
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After the song, Tina stomps over to Kurt and unleashes her inner crazy, going on a rant about NYADA, Vogue.com, cheating, and wanting to be loved back. (Side-Note: Oh my gosh Tina, go away! Go find Mike. He’s there randomly dancing in the background, not saying anything. Go make it so it’s not a complete and total waste that Glee asked him to come back for this.) Kurt then calls Tina out. “Okay Tina, I say this with total love, but the moment we all saw coming is finally here. You’re a hag, you’re hagged out, you’re in love with Blaine and it’s creepy!” (Side-Note: Kurt is just killing it this year! And the fact that he said that Tina vapo-raped his ex-boyfriend makes me love him even more.)
Rachel approaches Finn and reassures him that what happened that day was not his fault, “I’ve seen every runaway bride movie that there is, and I know that when the bride runs away, it’s never because of a random kiss. It’s because she knew deep down inside that it wasn’t right.” The two then exchange some mischievous smiles and get up to dance with the rest of the New Directions.
On the dance floor, Artie approaches Betty and says that he knows that she puts on this mean girl façade to hide the fact that she’s upset about being in a wheelchair, but yet he’s still oddly compelled by her. He convincers her to share one dance and they burn rubber out on the dance floor.
NEXT: Lots and Lots of Sex and The Episode’s Best Moments
Post-Wedding Craziness: Even though there is no bride, Sue announces that time has come to toss the bouquet, she and invites all the single ladies to gather round. The crowd of eager females includes, Quinn, Santana, Sam, Rachel, Tina, and a bunch of random extras who are overly excited to be there. The bouquet soars through the air and magically lands in Rachel’s arms, and Finns looks at her with the cutest smile on his face.
Finn catches Rachel on her way out of the restroom and notes that typically it’s only the single girls who line up to catch the bouquet. Rachel quickly assures him, “I am single,” and then explains that she and Brody had a “mature conversation” and decided not to put any labels on anything. (Side-Note: Listen up little ladies! When a guy doesn’t want to give your relationship a label, it means he wants to keep you around, but still be able to flirt with other girls. If this ever happens, tell that loser tootles and move on!)
Throughout their heartfelt and sexually charged conversation, Finn is slowly and nonchalantly plucking the petals off a white daisy, (“She loves me… she loves me not…”) and giving a brilliant metaphor about how the Finchel relationship is like a flower. Right now it’s just currently going through Winter. (Side-Note: Oh. My. God. This is just too good I can’t handle it. I have all these warm feelings swimming around in my stomach right now, and the way that Finn is subtly plucking off those petals makes my heart beat faster and faster.)
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Finn shows that he knows Rachel better than anyone else on the planet, and calls her out on her NYC Sex and the City-wannabe behavior: “I think that you’re lying to yourself, and I think the real reason that you can’t commit to Brody is because you’re still in love with someone else. You and I both know how this thing ends. I don’t care how or when, and I don’t care where you’re living or what dope you’re shacked up with. You’re my girlfriend.” (Side-Note: Finn Hudson: Out-shining all other men on TV since 2009.)
Finn then wraps up the world’s greatest love speech with this gem of a line: “We are endgame. I know that, and you know that.” (Side-Note: And so do the thousands of Twitter fans who devote each and every Friday to promoting their Finchel love. Sorry, just felt that that needed to be mentioned at some point. Love you guys!) Rachel says they need to go sing their duet and she snatches the last petal from the steam, which just so happened to land on “She loves me.”
Finn and Rachel sing a flawless version of “We’ve Got Tonight,” and all of the night’s couples — Jarley, Klaine, Quintana, Artie/Betty and Finchel — head upstairs to their respective hotel rooms.
So here’s how it all went down: Blaine is all smiles after their bedroom sesh, and it’s obvious that Kurt is trying to play it cool and brush their night off as no big deal. No worries, Blaine is not discouraged, and he knows that it’s only a matter of time before he and Kurt and perfectly placed back together. (Side-Note: Later hipster wannabe Adam!)
Quinn and Santana hooked up, and even though Quinn admits that it was a fun time, she’s not planning on switching sides for good. (Side-Note: I don’t like this. It feels unnatural and like a cheap, last minute tool to raise eyebrows and shock audiences.) Artie and Betty shared what seemed to be their first time together, and over in the Jarley room, absolutely nothing happened. It’s clear that Marley wasn’t ready, but Jake sweetly understood, kissed her hand and invited her downstairs for another dance.
Finn and Rachel made love, but rather than spending the night together, Rachel slipped out of the room with her bouquet in hand while her beau was still sleeping. (Side-Note: Finchel hooked up. On Valentine’s Day. All is right in the world.)
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Rachel is suddenly back in an overly-decorated heart-covered loft, and Brody not-so-subtly mentions that it took him “two whole days” to make this for her. (Side-Note: Bite me Brody. You taped some paper hearts on the wall and bought some flowers. Whoop-di-doo! If you ask me it looks like your trying to make up for the fact that you’re guilty of something. Hmmm?) Rachel and Brody begin kissing, but he stops her and asks if she kissed anyone else while she was gone. “You’re kissing differently.” (Side-Note: First of all that whole “kissing differently” thing is not real. And secondly, why yes Brody if you must know, Rachel was kissing her one true love. Sheesh.)
Brody makes it a point to tell Rachel that their whole “modern relationship” only works is they are completely honest with each other. Rachel kind of evades the answer but still lets Brody know that she and Finn hooked up. She then asks about Brody’s lonely Valentine’s Day and he reveals, “I stayed at home and watched weight-lifting videos.” (Side-Note: I totally called it! I told you all he was a tool. It’s beyond obviously that he is lying, but only a true douche would mask his indiscretions with an excuse that is so barf-worthy.)
We then see what Brody was really up to: He leaves a hotel room with his shirt half unbuttoned, carrying a massive wade of money in his hands and looking quite pleased with himself. (Side-Note: Ladies and Gleeks, it’s official: Brody is a hoe fo’ sho.)
Over in the halls of McKinley, Tina is apologizing to Kurt for attacking him like an obnoxious yappy dog at the reception. “I saw you up there singing with Blaine, and I saw the old legendary chemistry. I saw two soul mates rediscovering each other and I was jealous.” (Side-Note: Finally, the world’s most creepy crush is broken!)
Marley then approaches Ryder, and admits that the knew that her whole week of love was his idea, not Jake’s. She smiles, “Whenever you do that for someone for real, she’s going to be the luckiest girl on the planet.” Ryder responds, “It was for real,” and before Marley realizes what’s about to happen, Ryder steals a sweet kiss. (Side-Note: Dammit. I’m so confused. Who do I ship? Sigh. #Gleegirlproblems)
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The Final Five: In the teacher’s lounge, Mr. Schue is moping around, and a super-cutely dressed Finn launches into an inspirational speech about never giving up. “Somewhere out there, there’s a Miss Pillsbury running around who should already be a Mrs. Schuester.” Will is newly invigorated and he thanks Finn for being such an amazing best man/friend.
Artie’s new lady love Betty rolls through the halls and the two make plans for Saturday night, “When you’re rolling with Artie Abrams, anything can happen,” he brags. And just like that the final song of the night, Ellie Goulding’s “Anything Can Happen,” begins to play and the glee club dances around the auditorium stage.
Cut to NYC, and we see that Rachel is sitting in bed next to a sleeping Brody flipping through her planner with a terrified look on her face. She grabs a pregnancy test, waits the agonizing two minutes, and looks at the results. (Side-Note: Ugh! Rachel is preggers y’all, and if that nasty little sperm came from Brody’s grody male-escort penis then I’m going to fly to New York, find the guy who looks most similar to him, and unleash a world of crazy on some poor unsuspecting bystander. See you all back here in three weeks! Xoxo!)
Most Heartwarming Moment: Seeing Finn pluck those petals while Telling Rachel that no matter what, they are endgame.
Most Heartbreaking Moment: Watching Emma’s hysterical breakdown in the back of the taxi as she drives away from the church.
Quotables:
“All of you Glee kids have dated so incestuously that I can’t even remember who can tolerate who anymore.” —Emma
“I am so over this and it hasn’t even started yet. I’m clearly the hottest bitch in this lousy joint but I’m all alone, stuck here sitting with you.” —Santana to Quinn
“Well of course it isn’t going to work. You’re a weird bird-lady with a hallow pelvis and a OCD. And Will Schuester is a weepy man-child who’s greatest joy in life is singing with children and his best friend is 19.” —Sue to Emma
“Relationships are a lot like flowers. If you find the right seed, put it in good soil, give it water and sunlight. Bam. Perfect bud.” —Finn to Rachel
“We are endgame, I know that and you know that.” —Finn to Rachel
What did you think of this week’s episode of Glee? How are you feeling about Finchel? Klaine? Quintana? Wemma? That fact that Rachel could be pregnant?! Sing all your thoughts in the comments below!
Follow Leanne on Twitter @LeanneAguilera
[Photo Credit: FOX]
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It's Hollywood week, and we're supposed to be floating on little clouds of Nicki Minaj's cotton candy hair and Mariah Carey's never-ending collection of butterfly accessories.We're supposed to be in heaven. But no. It's not that simple. American Idol has to be fresh and new, so they have to change all the rules of Hollywood week. What they don't seem to understand is they they just drew a mustache on the Mona Lisa of reality singing competition challenges.
Nigel Lythgoe waltzes out to tell a surprisingly husky group of competitors that the rules have changed this year. Rule 1: See how there are only men in this room? That's the first change. Just think of it as a middle school dance. Hollywood Week 1 is the wall where all the boys are standing, the one with the basketball scoreboard hovering above their heads. Hollywood Week 2 is the opposite wall, with all the girls twirling their hair while lingering close to the emergency exit. It's unnecessary, and it severely disrupts the usual ebb and flow of the dance of Hollywood week drama.
Rule 2: Producers choose the groups, no ifs, ands, or buts. Sure, in theory this means we'll get multitudes of groups butting heads rather than just the few that are comprised of shy guys, stragglers, and raging ego-maniacs, but in practice, it means continuous crimes against music, endless mild disagreement, and so much distraction that even some of the best singers in the competition are thrown off their game. It's a mess, and not the great kind. The worst result may be that terrible performances are rewarded with a second chance time and again this episode, perhaps as an acknowledgement that this new process was bad for everyone, but first, the judges did their best to thin out the herd in the initial sudden death speed round.
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Most important to note at this point in the competition are those folks who lost it all in a matter of seconds. First up was Karl Skinner, who we fell in love with in Oklahoma City only to let go too soon in a fit of Coca-Cola-driven fervor. Unfortunately, Karl shows himself to be all growl and no true vocals, and he's sent home along with the group of strange rapscallions (including a man who drops a paper heart with all the ceremony of Criss Angel releasing a dove while he delivers his emo audition). He's followed by the singing doctor a.k.a. Dr. Calvin Peters, who I chastised for leaving behind his job helping to heal burn victims to pursue fame when we met him back in Charlotte. Next comes cutie-patootie firefighter Dustin Watts who was always lovable, but rather generic in this mixed bag of contestants.
Next comes the challenge. Cortez Shaw shows up with too much confidence for his own good, attempting to belt out the Whitney Houston classic "I Will Always Love You." And it's not good. His off-key, cocky performance starts a debate among the judges when Mariah inexplicably likes him (girl, is your falsetto range affecting your brain?). Nicki actually says she is "disgusted" and Randy says the only thing the kid needed to hear: "You ain't Whitney." Yet somehow, this cocky little smart-ass gets another shot at the big time. Sure, he sang a much tougher song than anyone else, but he clearly knows nothing about his vocal ability and that spells elimination.
The fake-outs continue as Nicki carries out a few jokes of her own. Her first victim is Bryant Tadeo, who she gets to admit he's tired so she can tell him "It's good that your tired because you're going to have a lot of time to sleep now that we're sending you home." But it's all a cruel ruse, Bryant's just dealing with a little emotional trauma now. No big deal. At least Bryant got a lesson in being grateful and excited about Idol. Oh and also, there's the part where he gets to stay. That's not bad either.
Lastly, we watch Brian Rittenberry, whose adorable wife survived cancer and then spent the second half of his audition sweetly fawning over Keith Urban. He attempts to country-fy Brian McKnight's "Back at One," and while he's still got strength and sweetness, it's clear the rough quality of his voice is serving to camouflage the lack of vocal ability. The lovable lug is sent home, and it's not pleasant to watch his dreams crash, the show is about singing and it was the right thing to do to let him go. It's a skill our judges only seem to have half of the time as auditions continue.
Almost as suddenly as it rehearsals began (because there was no time devoted to the cruel, yet fascinating process of self-selecting groups), the performances were underway, undercutting the vicious footage we've come to expect. It's probably better for our souls this way, but we were okay with the consequences of verbal sparring and bullys bested by their more talented teammates. Luckily, not everything has changed. We still get the requisite bathroom rehearsal. Unnecessary beat-boxing (unless you're Justin Timberlake or Blake Lewis, beat-boxers need not apply, but oh boy do they ever). We're also treated to an ego-crushing wake-up reel of the contestants before they've prettied themselves. Well, everyone except for Johnny Keyser, who apparently rolls out of bed with perfectly feathered hair and a cavalier attitude. And while even I'm jealous of his charmed life, full of eyes so sparkly they blind the sun and hair so naturally perfect it should be in a museum, his wake-up routine isn't exactly the highlight of Hollywood week. Then again, I'm not really sure what was.
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First group of the night is Mathheads, comprised of Matenee Treco, Matheus Fernandes, Gabe Brown, and Nick Bodington. After milking Matheus's tale of shortness for all it's worth (even having the kid lay on his bed so he could put his hopes out into the ether, "God, please help me. I've been waiting so long for this," even though he just had a fairly sizable shot on Ryan Murphy's The Glee Project. Matenee's got a case of the crazy eyes, Gabe has an issue or two with really singing out when he's not using his gutteral growl, Matheus rocks out like it's still 1984 and Van Halen is the pinnacle of musical fame, and Nick is simply so overshadowed by his cohorts that I couldn't remember a distinguishing factor about him if I tried. "Somebody to Love" by Queen earns them all another shot at the top 24, but I'm still wary of Matheus and his seemingly out of control ego.
Johnny Keyser, his pretty face, and his group take on a song that he didn't actually know, because he doesn't listen to human music, just the sounds of a million angels singing directly into his ear. "Reach Out (I'll Be There)" may be a classic Four Tops song that most fans of aural joy have heard at least once in their lives, provides a problem for Johnny in that it is a total blind spot. It means a complete jumble of misguided voices for Johnny's group.Johnny forgets his lyrics, but manages to keep on humming. Kareen Clark has the words down, but he's flatter than a piece of plywood. The harmonies are awful. Despite the fact that Aussie Keith can't believe that he knows a song that all-American kid Johnny doesn't, Johnny is sent on through while the other move on. Of course they keep the hot guy. This is Hollywood after all. What's Tinseltown without a few attractive people to keep us interested? (A town full of talented people who were judged fairly? Who wants that.)
And the disappoint keeps on keeping on. Curtis Finch and his unbelievable gospel/R&amp;B voice have made him one of the voices to beat in the competition, but as it turns out, he's kind of a jerk. When his assigned teammate, scrawny little pop-punk-loving Charlie, gets sick, Curtis sees it as an opportunity to do better for himself, with the kid out of the way. Their third teammate does everything he can to help Charlie, even admitting it to the camera while Curtis stood aside expressionless, totally aware that taking credit for helping Charlie would be unwise after the truth had been caught on camera. When the trio performs, however, you'd never know there was an issue among them, but Curtis's capable runs are tinged with the knowledge that he would have let that poor kid hang out to dry if he needed to. Apparently, he didn't get the memo about everything he says being taped and presented to America so that they might one day choose to vote (or more likely not vote) for the guy who was too ambitious to help a guy in need. Naturally, the judges don't know about his backstage antics and they're wowed, sending all three through while Mariah inflated Curtis' ego by telling him she's been waiting all day to hear him sing. With a victory on his hands, Curtis is all team spirit suddenly, but I can't imagine that would be the case if the song had put him in danger. If only she wasn't right about his talent. Selfish or not, the guy can destroy any song he touches.
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Two more relatively boring groups squeak on by, giving speech-impediment sufferer Micah Johnson and his teammates Vincent Powell, Marvin Calderon, and David Willis a ticket to the next round. Also raking in the luck was sign language teacher Nate Tao's group of leather-jacket-lovers, who all went easily to the next round, even Cortez, despite his tendency to hop into off-key territory during "Some Kind of Wonderful." If Cortez keeps getting through, we're going to have the male equivalent of Karen Rodriguez on our hands again.
While we wade through two groups who can't even muster up a fraction of the lyrics to either "What Makes You Beautiful" (only the most infection pop song courtesy of the biggest boy band on the planet, One Direction) or any number of other well-known songs during this, a singing competition presumably filled with folks so set on singing they might want to listen to artists other than themselves. Two groups of lyric-losers come through and only Paul Jolley and Will White survive.
B-Side or the group formerly known as Three Men and a Baby (get it, because that one kid is 15 and the rest of the dudes are strapping men!), try a little Maroon 5 and Keith comes to his fellow reality judge Adam Levine's defense: "Adam Levin isn't dead yet, but he's alredy rolling over in his grave." Morbid, Urban. Gupreet Singh Sarin, Nicki's favorite "Turbanator" from New York, leads the group, many of whom forget the lyrics completely while Sarin at least fills his empty lyrical space with some scatting. The sounds are simply cacophonic and even though Gupreet does his best to salvage his flub, he's not much stronger than he was during auditions when Nicki had to beg her fellow judges to give him a shot. Yet somehow, the judges deliberate and come out with the idea that these guys, who blew their group audition, deserve another chance. Even Gupreet looks confused as Nicki exclaims her joy over her "baby group" living to see another day of competition. She says she pushes them through because "we are humans and we forget the lyrics, but it's about what you do in those moments that makes you a star," and we hear you, Nicki, but these guys don't seem to be the ones to use that card up on. Hopefully, I'm wrong and they heed Randy's command to simply "be better next time." Some act of God spared this undeserving group, but hopefully it will lead to somewhat of a small miracle when it comes time for solo Hollywood auditions tomorrow.
Suddenly, some glaring choice (that occurred in the last paragraph and surprised all of us) makes the judges realize they have to get tough and soon. Luckily, they are served up a nice hot plate of terrible singing to get them in the cutting mood. Last Minute, a group that included Jason Jones, Dan Wood, Jessie Lawrence, and some guy the producers didn't see a need to call by name forget their words and quite possibly how to sing, forcing Randy to burst, "How do I even judge this?" He doesn't really have to, and send the whole lot home.
Carrying on with the snooze train is a group organized by Ryan Conner Smith, who gets the singers to perform a cappella. The judges hate the lack of musical accompaniment, and Ryan's innovation (and lack of vocal prowess) is what sends him home while the rest of his group stays. Perhaps he should have heeded his vocal coach (and Katharine McPhee's mom) when she cast a disapproving look at the mention of an a cappella audition.
Burnell Taylor from Baton Rouge is known as the guy who made Mariah cry during auditions, but during Hollywood week, his group's "Some Kind of Wonderful" almost made her cry for another reason. Burnell doesn't know the words, and his vocals are suffering. Yet memories of his past performances apparently keep him alive, during the round that is supposed to be judged at face value and he and his teammate Tony Foster Jr. are safe while their cohorts pack up.
Finally, as the end of the episode approaches, the drama begins to emerge. Super 55, socially-challenged stutterer Lazaro Arbos' group is having issues. And if you ask Josh Stevens, it's because they're all spending too much time trying to fix Lazaro because he's "not from around here" and his stutter makes it hard to communicate. While Lazaro is concerned that his teammates take his speech issue as a symptom of deficient mental ability, Josh is the one showing off just how stupid he can be. Who's the one Nicki loves so much, she made a heart with her hands in his general direction during the sudden death round? Oh, Lazaro. That's right. Pipe down, Joshie. While Josh worries some more, Ryan Seacrest's voice-over hopes the group doesn't become a statistic (which is impossible because they're by default already a statistic. This isn't an STD prevention PSA. "Becoming a statistic" doesn't mean bad things happen to you.) And the only people in danger of statistichood turned out to be Josh and his buddy in bullying, Scott Fleenor, who plays the flat singer to Josh's boring 1950s sock-hop attendee. Lazaro and his teammate Christian Lopez (With the dreamy blue eyes and sultry, seductive singing voice) are the only ones worth watching, and when the voting is done, the judges only leave the talented ones standing. Scott simply sulks, but Josh takes this golden opportunity to right the wrongs he's committed since group rehearsals started to be a total ass. "If anything, you should be going on. We spent so much time perfecting what you needed to be doing," was all he could say through his tears to Lazaro before he parted ways with the talented young lad.
But Idol had more than one group tailor-made for total implosion. Country Queen pitted two eccentric young men against two strapping young country singers, one of whom has a serious issue with men who don't chop down trees or stomp around in muddy boots. JDA and Joel Wayman drive Army man Trevor Blakney nutty with their focus on showmanship, but his real problem seems to be the various ways in which both men are less attached to traditional expressions of gender. While they're completely willing to listen to his needs as a member of the group, Trevor is convinced his teammates are ignoring him and he flatout refuses to participate in the lyrical workshop that he whined so desperately for, complaining that he didn't want to "put on dresses and put glitter on." And his intolerance of people unlike himself (something producers were counting on) costs him his pride and his spot in the competition. He forgets his lyrics, while his glitter-wearing teammate JDA focuses on vocals and wins the judges approval. Everyone in the group, including so-so country singer Lee Pritchard make it through while Trevor heads home to pout about never having lost anything before. Well, my dear boy, the thing about winning is that it doesn't happen when you sit on your rear end complaining for an entire round of a cutthroat competition.
And just when it seems the judges' vow to be tougher isn't quite as strong as they made it sound, Cystic Fibrosis afflicted 15-year-old Kayden Stephenson comes to the stage with his group, which includes a mature and much more polished David Leathers Jr. (he was eliminated at the top 24 cut off last season), is up with "For the Longest Time." Idol placed all four members of DSDK together because, oh aren't they cute, they're all the youngest in the competition. Each of the youngsters delivers at the very least descent solos until it comes time for Kayden's turn. A quick shot of Mariah while Kayden flounders with his sweet, child's voice on stage makes the diva look like she's just seen something horrific. This sweet little survivor is crashing and burning before her eyes and she can't handle the thought of what the judges are going to have to tell him. Luckily, he's not sent home alone, alone Sanni M'Mairura and David make it through, but it's still heartbreaking to watch little Kayden trudge on home. While his story was awe-inspiring, it was clear during his first audition that his voice wasn't strong enough for the competition, yet the show couldn't resist sending him through and pumping him for failure. He should never have made it to the televised round of auditions; it was clear he wasn't strong enough. Yet in the end, Nicki has to convince Mariah (and any backstory-clinging viewers) that sending him home was the right thing to do. Yes, it was hard watching the panel send home a cancer survivor with an amputated leg after he wasn't good enough for the competition, but it's less difficult than watching him step even closer to his dream before it's taken away. Rip the bandaid off early, or we're left feeling horrible for a young kid who was advanced unfairly because his story looked great as an episode endcap.
Finally, the night ends in tears when Frankie Ford, who won us over with his story about singing for change on the subway in New York, lets the pressures of a contentious group mar his ability to use his God-given voice. Placed in a group with powerhouse Charles Allen, unstoppable personality Papa Peachez, and constant surprise Adam Sanders, Frankie is faced with a smorgasbord of musical variety. He could, as the least experienced member of the group, use it to learn. But instead, he spends the whole rehearsal period complaining that they don't listen to him, driving him to tears just minutes before it's time to perform. Oz, as they decide to call themselves, serves up a performance that's the vocal equivalent of the junk drawer. Nothing fits together, however great the value in each individual piece. Peachez is weak, clearly shaken up by the group dynamic. Adam does okay, but ultimately rescues his performance with a suggestive joke. And Charles is the only solid performer, pulling out a few high notes and impressive runs. Frankie, however, cries on stage, forgets his lyrics, and eventually gives up mid-phrase. Even if his story is admirable and moves us and his voice is a good one, this is not the behavior or attitude of someone who can win Idol. He's cut loose while Peachez earns another chance thanks to Nicki's incessant begging, but that's not the last we hear of the supposedly sweet singer from New York. He bursts out of auditions, barreling away from his friends and yelling about how he'll come back and win, but it's his line "They will not deny me" that is of concern. Frankie, you're a good singer, but no one, not even American Idol owes you a win or an instant ticket to fame. He can come back again, but unless he fixes that attitude, it's going to be the same story all over again.
With all that surprisingly lackluster nonsense out of the way, Thursday will deliver the solo Hollywood round, also known as the place contestants start to have their big moments (you know, those performances that seem to make the sky open up just so angels can come down and flutter around the singer on the stage?). There will be a bit of drama here and there, but what we're looking for isn't a fight or a hissy fit. We're looking for some kind of wonderful.
Of course, it will be strange to go through this process once more with the ladies next week. Hopefully, they don't leave us with such ardent fits of boredom as the menfolk.
Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler
[Photo Credit: Fox]
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Welcome to Pawnee, Indiana. We are located 90 miles from Indianapolis and we are the state's seventh-largest city. We are a city of kind citizens, green places, and a deep love and respect for the land. For the care and protection of these public outdoor spaces, we turn to the Parks and Recreation Department, headed by the honorable Ronald Ulysses Swanson. In order to ensure that the parks, pools, and public spaces of Pawnee remain in their tip top condition and able to provide good, clean fun for the citizens of Pawnee and their guests, the Parks and Recreation Department asks you to follow the following pertinent rules and regulations. Please and thank you, rest in peace L'il Sebastian.
10 Rules and Regulations for Achieving Gender Equality
1. The first and only rule is that men are better than women. Men provide for women and women must obey the men because they are women's masters. Women must always walk behind the men.*
2. Form a Commission on Gender Equality. Invite two delegates from each department of Pawnee's municipal government to attend. Then, the men and women in attendance will be able to work out a plan. What do you mean there are no women? Are we really so backwards that no women hold positions of power in the Pawnee government in the year 2013? In that case, tell the men to put away the calendars they use to chart your menstrual cycle and start hiring more women.
3. Be prepared to strong-arm the Sanitation Department, they believe women to be too delicate to do a little grunt work. Grab a jumpsuit, hop on a truck, and prove them wrong. Women can get down and dirty just as well as men can — wait, that sounds wrong. What I mean is... Oh just take out some trash.
4. Remember, gender equality is a two-way street, so encourage the men to engage in "womanly" duties such as childcare. Even steak-eating, wood-carving, Scotch-drinking libertarian men are capable of finding the stickers and doing arts and crafts with the under-10 set.
5. Teach gender equality from a young age. Playtime for your young girls need not always be princess dress-up time. Encourage your little ones to discover other interests, such as the medical profession. Introduce your girls to reflex hammers and stethoscopes; tell them they can be anything they want to be when they grow up. But please, use common sense. Do not let your lofty ideals shadow responsible childcare practices. For instance, do not leave your children unsupervised with scissors — hack-job haircuts may result.
6. Maintain an open communication between the sexes. This is as important in personal settings as professional ones. If you are straightforward with your intentions, labels become unimportant. (Take note, Chris Traeger, this one's for you. Just chill with Shauna Malwae-Tweep, she'll make you her boyfriend soon enough.)
7. Seek creative solutions for problems presented by your gender. Don't misunderstand me, I don't mean to say that being the weaker sex is an issue... Oh no, I don't really mean that women are weaker... Oh God, no, being a women isn't a problem... I just.... It's not only the canaries who are unable to move refrigerators, big strong garbage men can't move them either. So when a refrigerator stands in your way, call the soup kitchen. No, that's not a metaphor.
8. Explore interests outside your comfort zone. Just because you love cashmere and the Kardashians doesn't mean you can't learn about basketball. Who knows what doors may open when you learn something new? Discovering a post-game press conference may be just what you need to take your business to the next level — what 14-year-old doesn't want to look like a hipster chic NBA player, a la Dwyane Wade? And if YOU are a 14-year-old who WANTS to look like Dwyane Wade, head on over to Rent-A-Swag! Tommy Haverford will hook you up.
9. Wear goggles while playing basketball in the Pawnee High gymnasium. Safety first, always.
10. Never be afraid to say what you feel. Yes, stoic Ron Swanson loves Diane "Xena Warrior Princess" Lewis. Yes, she loves him back. And yes (times a million) it is magical when they say these words aloud for the first time.
*The city of Pawnee would like to apologize for its outdated guidelines. Kindly ignore April Ludgate and disregard Rule No. 1.
Follow Abbey Stone on Twitter @abbeystone
[Photo Credit: Colleen Hayes/NBC]
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