Death Comedy Jam

Fall is the time of the year when things die; graduation plans, drunk driving homecoming kings, and leaves. Also, many rich old people refer to the time right before they kick it as the autumn of their life (autumn is protestant for fall). For this, and other less humorous reasons, fall is the time of year when we're compelled to contemplate death, and what comes next.

Personally, I do a lot of thinking about life and death. I also do a lot of really, really, drunk girls. Sometimes I think I feel guilty about this, but then I realize my guilt is actually the fear of going to hell that the priests at my Sunday school forced upon me (fyi, that's the only thing anyone of them ever forced upon me. Except for their penises).

Despite my catholic roots, somewhere in the back of my mind I've been counting on hell being an old wives tale, like "if you sit too close to the TV you'll go blind" or "if you sit too close to the TV you'll go to hell." I guess the problem with that thinking is if there's no hell there's no heaven, so it's kind of a double edged sword. Nobody wants to just sit in the dirt when they die, except for little kids I guess they like dirt.

If you're a fuck up you're definitely better off if hell doesn't exist. Luckily, even if it's real they probably draw a bigger crowd than U2 and sell out like three months in advance. Then you'll get sent to the good spot anyway, like an airline putting you in first class after they over-book coach. Some people might think that's blasphemous, but what's anybodies idea of heaven and hell based on anyway? All Dogs go to Heaven, Little Nicky? The fact is, none of us has any idea what that whole thing is about; all we can really do is be good enough to make not going to hell a possibility.

Personally, I consider myself a contender for going to the good place. I've never killed or raped anybody, and I'm not gay, so I've managed to steer clear of the big three. I guess stealing is a no-no, but since I do it pretty regularly I'll discount it. You probably get one throw away anyway, like dropping your lowest test score in psych class.

You can probably do extra credit too, if you're borderline pass/fail, like helping the Angels win the pennant or something. I like baseball, so that wouldn't be too big of a deal. Most extra credit assignments are easy anyway, and the Angels were pretty good this year so it wouldn't take much, maybe better starting pitching.

I bet God is probably pretty lax on letting people in too. If what they say is true, he's a real dude's dude. If you were to go out partying with him I guarantee he'd buy the first round, and if one of your boys hooked up with a fat chick, he'd razz him for a little, but then buy him a beer. If he walked some chick home from the bar and she tried to get him to come in he'd say "no," no matter how drunk or how much of a sure thing she was. He'd be like, "I think you're really special and that's why I don't wanna go too fast," and he'd mean it. The next night he'd buy her dinner and tell her how much her respects her. I heard he's just that kind of a dude.

Anyway, the only snag I can really see is a limit on how many people they let into the good place each year. In that case, you could probably avoid going to hell just by fucking other people up. You could be like, "Jim, you know what's great" painkillers," or "phew" 12. Whatever, age is just a number." If you fuck enough people up you could probably get into heaven by default. On a slow year they'd have no choice. It's all about numbers.