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CHELSEA HAVE GOT THEIR COSTA REPLACEMENT

And it’s… their left back! Antonio Conte needs to stop whining about not getting the players he wants, hang Diego Costa out to dry and shove Marcos Alonso up front. While we’ve got Gareth Bale in our minds, perhaps Alonso could be the next player to convert from marauding left back to world class forward.

MAN UNITED ARE STORMING IT… OR ARE THEY?

Let’s be honest, while 4-0 wins over West Ham and Swansea is an impressive opening to the season on paper, both of their opponents were, how you say, dog shit.

Jose Mourinho may well have spouted some rubbish about letting his horses run freely, but it’s all about what they do against their title rivals.

Come the crunch, they might turn out to be those little horses you put a quid in the side of before perching your toddler on top.

WEST BROM ARE GOING TO WIN THE LEAGUE

You heard it here first. A clean sweep of 38 perfect 1-0 victories, will leave Leicester’s Premier League win look half-baked by comparison, and trounce Arsenal’s Invincibles’ record and its crappy twelve draws. This Baggies side is pure Pulis perfection and if Paddy Power aren’t giving a price on a 114-point season, then it’s only because they know it is West Brom and football’s destiny.

ARSÈNE WENGER ISN’T A NUMBERS MAN

‘We know we don’t get penalties,’ said Wenger after the defeat at Stoke. ‘Look at the numbers and you will see. We had last year the highest number of penalties against us at home by a mile and the lowest number for us. So I give you just the numbers. I don’t say anything else.’

Well, he’s given us SOME numbers there, but not necessarily the right ones. As BBC Sport pointed out, Arsenal were awarded six penalties last season, a number bettered by only five other PL sides. Four of those were given at home, with only Tottenham (seven) and Bournemouth (five) winning more home pens.

Oh, Arsène…

FRANK DE BOER WILL BE GONE BY CHRISTMAS

The Dutchman seems confused and afraid of the Premier League and the task he’s inherited, and it already feels like the end is nigh.

Also, for some weird reason, former Eagles boss Dougie Freedman has come in as sporting director.

Maybe De Boer will follow the lead of his countryman Marco Boogers and run away to live in a caravan instead.

LIVERPOOL WON’T MISS COUTINHO

If we’ve learned anything from the fiasco between Liverpool and Barcelona over the Brazilian, it’s that Sadio Mane is actually the top boy at Anfield. Missing for large chunks of last season, he’s hit the ground running this time, rising to the challenge of being the team’s main creative force while Coutinho is ‘injured’. How much is Mane worth then – £160m?

DON’T DO THE PANENKA

Especially not in injury time when you’re taking a penalty to salvage a point.

DROP THE ELABORATE GOAL CELEBRATIONS

Hamburg winger Nicolai Muller got over-excited after scoring against Augsburg, ruptured his knee ligament while celebrating, and is now out for the next seven months. Time for a return to 1920’s-style handshakes and back-patting, lads.

STEVE MCCLAREN CANNOT BE BROKEN

Proof that repeated failures CAN be rewarded, the former Newcastle, Derby and England managerial reject has taken his hair island to Israel, where Maccabi Tel Aviv are happy to hurl money at him to become their ‘coaching consultant’. We’ll give him six months before he’s back, fouling up another Championship club with his ‘progressive’ managerial ideas…