Leading the greatest country in the world is a demanding job for any one man or woman, and the responsibilities of a U.S. president, day in and day out, are at times profoundly stressful, as the past four years have taught me well. But I take great solace in the support of my family, my trusted advisors, and the fact that whenever the pressure seems unbearable, I can go be alone somewhere and just visualize myself back on the savannahs of western Kenya that I remember so well from my boyhood. I often feel overburdened by the strains of the Oval Office, but I draw great strength, confidence, and relief from my memories of that simpler time. Waking up with the sunrise, I’d help the village women forage or make clothing, and do my part to kindle the campfire. When I got older, I’d join the hunt with the men of the tribe—the day I speared my first eland and was proclaimed a man was the proudest achievement of my life prior to November of 2008.

US Bank Stair Climb
Reach for the sky and climb nearly 1,700 stairs to the top of the West Coast's tallest building during the 20th Annual Stair Climb for Los Angeles! Each step you take benefits the impactful work of the Ketchum-Downtown YMCA and helps raise vital funds to support critical programs for children, teens, families and seniors in the community.

Climb up for a thrilling vertical race or step at your own pace. Just like the mission of Y programs, you will focus your energy upwards and feel a huge sense of accomplishment! Plus, you, friends and family are sure to enjoy a great day filled with climbing, music, food, firefighters and fun at the Race Expo.

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?'

And:

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know -- I'm so bad with names.

And:

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

And:

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer. No one will do it.

__________________ "So let me get this straight. We have the event of the year on TV with millions watching around the world... and people want a punt, pass, and kick competition to be the halftime entertainment?? Folks, don't quit your day jobs."- Matty

__________________ "So let me get this straight. We have the event of the year on TV with millions watching around the world... and people want a punt, pass, and kick competition to be the halftime entertainment?? Folks, don't quit your day jobs."- Matty

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

__________________ "So let me get this straight. We have the event of the year on TV with millions watching around the world... and people want a punt, pass, and kick competition to be the halftime entertainment?? Folks, don't quit your day jobs."- Matty