villainy

It’s something I think about, now and then. Usually my own. Actually…always my own. I never think about other people as potentially viewing themselves as a character they are projecting rather than a person they just happen to be…

Curious. Perhaps I should ask around about that?

But yes, villainy. I like to project myself as being somewhat threatening if crossed (i.e. disrespected, disobeyed, purposefully provoked…). But that doesn’t make me villainous, now, does it? No.

Now, I do possess a nature that feels very angry and hurt when crossed, but I am uncertain as to the actuality of my reactions if I were to be pushed unreasonably far in that manner. But…the underlying nature exists, and by building on it and portraying myself as more threatening than I feel I would be capable of, I feel as though I have cut down on the number of people willing to simply take that chance. I’d consider that a strategical success.

Not so much though, when I must view myself more comprehensively. Like tonight, we had a staff screening of a movie that isn’t released yet (which means I can’t talk about it), and I kept wanting to wander off and not interact with people. Because it’s weird for me to step out of that role of being their boss. And more importantly, because I just don’t feel included. I don’t feel like anyone actually wants me around, personally. I know because they tell me that I am one of their favourite bosses, and that is alright. I feel good about that at work. But I don’t feel good about it when we are having a semi-social gathering. I don’t feel like anyone really wants me around. Ever.

And that is where I encounter the problematic part of portraying myself as somewhat temperamental or grim.

I can only surmise, given what I was told all through high school and up into college, that individuals with a grim and unsociable temperament are viewed as being inherently dangerous because they fail to integrate into the larger group.

So…what am I doing, really? Am I trying to portray myself as what I am already viewed as being due to my silence and my separateness? No…that’s not right.

I want people to listen to me because it is frequently the right thing to do. And I want them to believe that I care about them as people, because I do. But I also want them to believe that I can come down on them if necessary. Because I will, but I don’t want to have to do that.

And, above all, I do NOT want people to continue to interpret my personality as either weak due to “being shy” or as dangerous because “it’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for”.

Yes, yes…I am on the verge of a panic attack at most group gatherings and activities, and yes, I have that Wolf lurking under the surface of my personality…but that isn’t the point. The point is that I have spent years trying so, so very hard to balance those things and be likable…but I don’t believe that people like me. I don’t and I probably never will.

And that is what makes a character into a villain, after all. The inability to integrate into the group. Either by choice or by nature or by unfortunate circumstance. Mine is by nature, I feel.
Not that I am concerned about becoming villainous…but I can see how it happens. I can see it as a narrative reality that could be applied to my own, rather real-seeming life.

But it’s alright.
I am going to see if she’ll come out with me and we’ll go to that art thing on Tuesday this week instead. Maybe we can talk about that and maybe we can talk about my poems.

We didn’t sit together, but we did exchange a few words and she had that look she gets when she wants to say things to me and can’t…but that’s alright. We’ll talk sometime.

And that is quite enough to dispel any sense I might have of being genuinely villainous…it’s hard to want to be that way, knowing that you do still have some people who understand and who value your being there, even if all that happens is the fervent waving and the asking if I already had a drink or if she should get me one.