What will become of me?

Hi. I just found this forum and thought I'd register and post some thoughts, and maybe someone here has some advice for me (although I'm ashamed to have to steal time and forum space from those who are truly suicidal and in need of immediate help..). Anyway, english is not my first language, so I'm sorry if what I'm writing i grammatically incorrect or in some other way doesn't make sense.

I am a 22 year old guy living in northern Europe. I've been depressed for about three to four years now, during which time my life has been in a steady downward spiral. Through these years I've thought alot about ending my own life, but never been even close to actually trying it. See, I don't want to die. Problem is, if things get any worse, I'm afraid I won't have any choice.

I've always been a loner and kind of a gloomy person, but it didn't use to make me feel bad about myself or make me want to hurt myself like it does now. I didn't use to have this issues with other people before either, but this last couple of years (especially the last one) things have really escalated out of hands. I've been on meds off and on, but I've never experienced that they've made any difference. I've also been in therapy, but that only made me feel worse.
Apart from feeling constantly down and knowing things won't ever ever get better for me, I'm also afraid and paranoid most of the time (for reasons I'm not even sure of. Sometimes I get absolutely terrified for no apperant reason). I cannot travel by bus or train (which is a pain, since I'm living just outside of a big city) from fear of getting to near to other people. I hardly have any friends, since my fear of running into strangers has pretty much prevented me from going out, and since I always feel uneasy in the company of other people, even "friends".
I've given up on all of my interests and hobbies, and volounteered to take all extra shifts at work just to have as little free time by myself as possible. This way, I can keep most bad thoughts at bay, since my job is pretty hectic and seldom leaves time for worrying and self loathing.

However, what makes me really scared is that there seems to be no way out of this for me. I keep feeling worse and worse, being paranoid over more and more things. It feels like I soon won't be able to keep working or even leaving the house, which in turn makes me even more terrified. I don't want to end up in some clinic or splattered across the windshield of a train, but I can't deny that that's where I'm heading. And I don't know which is worse.

I can identify with a lot of the stuff you wrote, like being paranoid for no reason and being afraid of being around people, and prone to depression and suicidal thinking.

I'm just starting at medication and will hopefully go to counselling soon. Maybe I'll be able to get better results, I hope?

Also, it seems like there's a zillion different meds out there, and maybe a different therapist would make you feel better instead of worse. I've read from a number of people that they had to go thru a number of therapists before finding the right one.

I can identify with a lot of the stuff you wrote, like being paranoid for no reason and being afraid of being around people, and prone to depression and suicidal thinking.

I'm just starting at medication and will hopefully go to counselling soon. Maybe I'll be able to get better results, I hope?

Also, it seems like there's a zillion different meds out there, and maybe a different therapist would make you feel better instead of worse. I've read from a number of people that they had to go thru a number of therapists before finding the right one.

Click to expand...

Well, you might be right. Although, in the country where I live you don't get to see a therapist unless you specifically go to/call a clinic several times and demand one. I've been to see two different, tha last one about six months ago. She said I clearly need help and that she was going to get me a new appointment as soon as possible. Haven't heard from them since. Same with the meds, the doctors never follow up. When I've run out of pills, I seldom or never feel up to getting new ones since I've never experienced any effects from them. Even the ones I've been on for some time, and the ones which doses I've doubled or tripled.