(note: this is adapted from a personal reflection I delivered at the Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Princeton for May Day, 2014. I write about this name-change ritual in The Book of New Family Traditions.)

Let me confess something: I am obsessed with ritual.

When I was pregnant with my son Max I decided to write a book about family traditions and I spent 3 years immersing myself in the topic of ritual. I read more than 60 books and spoke with hundreds of parents, as well as psychologists, anthropologists, and religious educators in preparation for The Heart of a Family.

I became obsessed with questions like what makes a ritual really powerful? Why are some rituals just rote mumbling, while others affect people deeply, and change them permanently? How does a person or a group create the type of ritual that strikes something deep in your core and makes you feel so alive that you are literally vibrating?

You know what it’s like when you are in the midst of an intense experience that fills your every cell and sense? During those times, the nattering little id voices in your brain just shut up and disappear, leaving a refreshing clarity.

I read about a tribe in Tanzania that heals feuds by slaughtering a goat and having the two people quarreling eat its liver. And about the womanhood ritual for 13-year-old girls in the Mescalero Apache tribe in New Mexico, which lasts for 4 days. They dust the girls’ faces with pollen, a symbol of fertility. There is a lot of eating and gifts, special costumes, and running. At the end, the girls dance literally for an entire night. They do this still.

Under the spell of this research, I kept asking myself how to celebrate things more powerfully in my own life. I got into the habit of asking myself which of the 4 elements—earth, air, fire or water – best fit each occasion. Sometimes, this works so beautifully it takes my breath away.

The best example was when I legally changed my name to my husband’s name in 1995, after the birth of our son. I changed my entire name from Margaret Anna Cox to Meg Cox Leone, and I didn’t want to have that just happen on a piece of expensive legal paper. When I did the “which element” exercise, of course I chose water – baptism. Right?

But how and where shall I submerge? My husband suggested I stand in a pail on the back deck, and be doused. But I needed more drama than that. I asked my friend Carol if I could dive into her swimming pool, fully clothed, in front of family and friends. Incredibly, she said yes!

Dear friend Carol Mason, who hosted the ritual in her backyard.

To start off the ceremony part, I said a few words about why I was doing this and asked them to be my witnesses and support my new identity. Then I dove off the diving board, and swam toward my husband, who stood by the shallow end, holding two glasses of champagne.

I made a few remarks before diving into the pool!

My friends ate and drank and made me laugh. It was modest as rites-of-passage ordeals go, but it was a bodily push through a physical medium with enough celebratory bells and whistles to make me feel new, changed. I carry with me the memory of everyone cheering as I plunged into the silence of the water, then was suddenly swept up again into the air and party clamor.

Cutting the cake after my dive & kissing my son.

A proper ceremony needs witnesses!

Every once in a while, I meet someone who really knows how to scratch this itch, and is not so timid as myself. About a decade ago, I met a 50-something woman from Georgia, a friend of a friend, a poet named Jan. She talked of wanting to experience life in a primal way, and about how she owned this remote property, where she would go with women friends to dance naked around a fire. She wanted to feel the heat of the fire and the earth under her bare feet. I was in awe. Less than a year later, I heard that she was dead, cancer.

I have to find my own meaning of primal, and it may not be Jan’s. But one thing I have learned is that in order to be changed by a ritual, I must strip away my defenses and present my naked vulnerability. I feel comfortable practicing that in this room on Sundays, so you may look over one day and see tears streaming down my face. And when an opportunity comes along to dance around a May pole, I take it.

A photo of Wagner in a birthday hat from The Atlantic, but it expresses my mood, OK?

What am I celebrating right now?

The new edition of The Book of New Family Traditions just earned its 15th 5-star reader review at Amazon.com, and I’m celebrating how good it feels when people tell me I made their family life even better.

This latest review is entitled: “Improving Family Life One Ritual At a Time” and Lauri B. had this to say in her comments on the book:

“Unless you have the all time perfect family, you might profit from a little help as to how to reinforce connections in an era when there are so many distractions. I got many wonderful ideas from this book, and I am implementing them now with excellent results. I have purchased this book for several young women as Mother’s Day gifts and they have all thanked me profusely. I also appreciate the references to other books that might help me delve into related topics, which I have done. This book is a gem.”

Lauri B., whoever you are, I thank YOU profusely!

There is tremendous value from reading a good book, but often, people are helped even more by hearing from an author in person, and getting to ask questions.

There is a wonderful YES jar ritual in the book, and I usually bring a Yes Jar to demonstrate.

So, just a reminder, that I’m a skilled speaker and workshop-leader, and I work on this topic all the time. Currently, I’m starting to craft a workshop for a synagogue in Dallas, while working on a webinar about what to add and what to subtract when overwhelmed by the winter holidays. In addition, I’m preparing a Christmas holiday open house for a local retailer, with demos of fun and simple Christmas traditions. And working with school groups to help families overwhelmed by the digital technology create rituals using those devices in a limited and positive way.

Do you know a school, community, library, parenting or religious group that is looking for a powerful but practical workshop presentation? One real estate investment firm flew me to Atlanta for four figures just to lecture the employees during lunch hour, and a NJ drug company bought a copy of my book for every parent with a child in the daycare center on the premises (after I lectured at the daycare center). But many of my clients are non-profits, like libraries and museums, and I reduce my rates accordingly.

Send me a note at meg@megcox.com to discuss dates and topics, or click on the Hire Meg tab. You’ll find out more about topics I’ve covered often in lectures and workshops, but I am happy to tailor a program just for your group.

Oh, wait. One more thing worth celebrating: the number of people who have “Liked” my traditions page on Facebook is getting very close to 500. So, I’ve announced a fun giveaway. When I reach 500 “Likes,” I am giving away a wonderful one-of-a-kind Ritual Toolkit, based on my traditions philosophy. This special box will be packed with confetti poppers, special candles, bubbles, sage bundles and a whole lot more to help your family celebrate all the milestones ahead.

How to enter? Just go to www.facebook.com/TraditionsBook and leave a comment for me under the post about the giveaway. And, while you are there, Like the page. A name will be picked randomly from all the comments when the time comes.

Why Not Celebrate on Facebook too?

NOTE: My Traditions page on FB reached 500 “likes” in less than 24 hours!! Thanks to everyone who responded. I will be giving away another ritual toolkit, and extra goodies, when the page hits 1,000.

To everyone who reads this, I wish peace and hope and love will guide you and inhabit you throughout the holiday season.

If you care about ritual and celebrations and want to deepen your own traditions, you may enjoy reading my regular newsletter on the topic. I’ve been researching and writing about tradition for nearly two decades, and writing a newsletter on the topic about 10 years. I recently switched to the Constant Contact format so I could include photos and reach a larger audience.

Click here to read my Winter edition. And find out why I took photographs of my own two feet every day for many weeks.