Monday, June 2

Lost Monday - "There's No Place Like Home (Finale)."

Season 4 - Episode 13/14: "There's No Place Like Home (Parts 2 & 3)."

The final Lost Monday is upon us. We have nothing left to discuss.

Going into Season 4, we knew that things were going to be different for Lost. Storyline-wise, the addition of the flash-forwards added a new depth to the plot, character development and Harvard degree one needs to fully comprehend the show as a whole; the concept that yes, people were rescued from the island, and no, that doesn't mean the show is necessarily over. The Oceanic 6 had problems of their own, there were hints that the island may exist on a different plane of time than the rest of the world, and Jack Shepard's Future Beard had a nation captivated. It was good times.

However, from a more technical (ie: boring) aspect, Season 4 of Lost was also different. The Writer's Guild strike shortened the run of the show to just 13 episodes, with a huge hiatus between the 8th and 9th episodes (known at CDP Headquarters as 'Black April'). The patience of the viewers was tested, but the producers managed to cram about 20 episodes worth of story and development into those 13 short weeks, giving us a season of television that couldn't have possibly been expected after the scattershot and roaming Season 3.

No question about it, Season 4 brought the pain in a big way, overcoming the odds and succeeding when they probably shouldn't have. I've come to expect nothing less; Lost has become the Chicago White Sox of television; continually being awesome even though everyone wants them to fail miserably. All we need now is Ozzie Guillen showing up on the Island every week to deliver a profanity-laced tirade about nothing in particular.

("Why didn't they just kill me off in the Pilot episode like they wanted to?")

So, what's to make of this? Personally, I thought that the Season 4 finale did everything it needed to do (like all of the finales that proceeded it). They answered the questions of Season 3, raised new ones for the future and set the stage for a Season 5 that is nowhere near anything that we could have predicted a few years ago. Locke is the leader of the Hostiles? Where is the island, now that Ben warp-whistled it to the middle of nowhere? What dangers and conspiracies are about to befall the Oceanic 6? Are any of the survivors actually 'good' people?

All this speculation is making my wee-wee hurt. Strap in and prepare for the Green & Leafy!

As a longtime vegetarian, displaying a large piece of steak every week to introduce my detailed Lost recap was a very tongue-in-cheek way of introducing the hilarious, historic and world-famous satire that was about to invade your loins like the lemon-scented crotch of Zeus Himself. However, because this is my last Lost Monday, I'm going out a winner. A weak, protein-deficient winner who never gets invited to barbecues because his tofu dogs taste like ass. Let's make it happen.

(John McCain takes a lie detector test.)

AROUND THE ISLAND, WHERE EYELINER AND RUM IS PLENTIFUL.

Jack and Sawyer catch up with Hurley and Locke at The Orchid, where John is looking for a ramp large enough to jump over a Dharma-stamped shark. Locke explains to Jack that whomever gets rescued would have to lie about their experiences on the Island in order to protect it, as Jack tries in vain to stuff his intestines back under his t-shirt. It works, but only for a little while.

Jack, Hurley and Sawyer head back to the helicopter, where Hurley is reminded that he shouldn't be eating so many saltine crackers when water is a limited commodity. Was there any reason why those stupid crackers were referenced three times in two weeks? It wasn't that funny.

(Nobody steals Alpert's makeup and gets away with it. Nobody.)

AT THE HELICOPTER, WHERE SAYID BECOMES BRUCE GODDAMN LEE.

Keamy is hauling Ben back to the helicopter for transport, when Kate bursts out of the jungle, claiming that Ben's men are chasing her. Keamy forms a battle plan, when the Hostiles spring out and start straight-up wrecking stuff. Ben and Kate run off during the fray, as gunfire and general awesomeness reigns supreme. For a group of people guaranteed to never age or get sick, those Hostiles sure know how to kick an ass or two.

As Keamy tries to catch back up with Kate and Ben, Sayid takes him out like the Iraqi torturer we used to know and love. A nearly two-minute long fistfight ensues, with Sayid and Keamy taking turns hitting each other in the head and multiple ribular stabbings. A tree branch is brought into the fray, as it has now become a No Disqualification Match. Just as Keamy gets the upper hand, Richard shows up and caps him four times in the back. Never let it be said that Richard isn't an opportunist, but shooting someone in the back is a pretty cheap victory, regardless of how evil of a bastard Keamy is.

Ben proceeds to hop into Richard's arms like a puppy with a thorn in its paw, and they let Kate and Sayid have the helicopter in exchange for helping them out. Ben returns to The Orchid, as Locke continues to struggle with anything even remotely resembling tact or initiative.

("My kingdom for a frozen donkey wheel.")

ON THE BEACH, WHERE AUXILIARY CHARACTERS TALK ON CAMERA.

Daniel lets Juliet know that the Freighter is getting closer to the island, as they get more groups ready to be taken aboard. Damn, I just realized how few Oceanic Flight 815 survivors are still on the island. There's like, five of them left.

Daniel lets Miles and Charlotte know that getting off of the Island is important, as it's about to be hurtled through space and time like a change-up pitch to David Ortiz (two baseball references in one recap? Boo-yah!). Miles decides to stay, and Charlotte decides to stay, although it's implied that she may have a serious birth connection to the island. More to come in Season 5, I presume.

Also, I don't care about Charlotte, so this storyline is unnecessary and wasteful. Carry on.

("Yeah, I play starting forward for the Pistons now. MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!")

IN THE ORCHID, WHERE IT ALL COMES INEVITABLY CRASHING DOWN.

Ben and Locke take the elevator down to the Orchid Station, and I'm left frustrated because there was no Muzak playing in the elevator. This was a great opportunity for the same sort of dark humor displayed when Ethan was about to slice Claire open in the Medical Station, but to no avail. Quick Comedy Tip: Muzak is always funny.

Once in the Station, Locke sees a The Fly-esque device, asking Ben if it's the 'magic box' he was telling him about before. Ben says no, and makes him watch an educational videotape, slightly winking at the viewing audience with his humorous delivery. I quite enjoyed that moment, to be honest.

In the video, Dr. Mark Wickmund/Marvin Candle/Edgar Halliwax explains that the Orchid is pretty much a place where they send bunnies through time. Fair enough. Ben looks to sabotage the vault-area, and as the elevator starts to ascend, Locke and Ben realize that they're about to have a visitor. Probably one that is none too happy about digging bullet residue out of his spinal cord.

("Man, I can't wait until I'm in that coffin.")

Keamy shows up in the Orchid, and delivers a monologue about how he's not really dead and that his heart is hooked up to a monitor that will make the Freighter go explodie-time if he were to be killed. He then starts making fun of Alex's death, which is about the least-classy thing I've ever seen someone do on national television (minus anything ever uttered by Billy Packer), even if it was towards a sniveling douchenozzle like Ben Linus. Locke pops in and distracts Keamy long enough for Action Linus to spring into frame and stab the crap out of his neckhole. Keamy dies, and when Locke scolds him for allowing innocent people to be vaporized on a freighter, Ben doesn't seem to mind all that much.

Welcome back, you evil asshole. We've all missed you.

(Michael comes to terms with the fact that he has ruined the lives of everyone he ever came in contact with.)

In a terrific scene, Ben goes on to tell Locke that he made a mistake in killing Keamy, and that Locke should try to be a better leader of the Island. Ben explains that by moving the island, he will not be allowed to return to it, and that Locke will be in charge from here on out. Locke is confused, the audience is confused, and Ben apologies for making John's life so miserable. Hey, get in line, buddy. You're probably the best thing that ever happened to him.

After the Ben-caused explosion of the vault of the Orchid, a pathway is opened up to the interior of the Island. For whatever reason, this section of the Station is frozen and covered in hieroglyphs. Across from Ben is basically a frozen donkey wheel, which Ben attempts to move while declaring to the sky, "I hope you're happy now, Jacob."

Um, okay, dude. At this point, I looked at my reflection in the mirror, just to make sure that I wasn't dreaming or dead. This is the same show I started watching at 8pm, right?

As he begins to turn the wheel, the room begins to get brighter, now beginning to resemble the same circumstances as when the Swan Station imploded at the end of Season 2. Outside, the Island emits a shrill noise and a light envelops the island before everything freaking disappears, including about five million viewers.

Michael, who will from this point forward be known as 'Black McGyver,' finds a canister of liquid nitrogen and explains to Desmond and Jin that he can temporarily freeze the battery leading to the C4 explosive, buying them some time to either defuse it or haul ass for the mainland.

With Keamy dead and the bomb armed, Desmond leaves for the chopper and Jin hangs back with Michael for a bit. Michael convinces Jin to leave because he's about to be a father, but Jin doesn't make it to the helicopter in time. Christian Shepard appears to Michael, let's him know that his work for the island is done, and he's finally rewarded with that sweet, sweet death that he's been hoping for since he first got back from the Island. The freighter blows to pieces, killing Michael, Jin and presumably everyone else on board.

Well, maybe 'Black McGruber' is more like it.

("I sure hope that thing was the bathroom, 'cuz I just peed in it.")

ON THE HELICOPTER, WHERE HURLEY CONTINUALLY ASKS FOR PEANUTS.

There's about 6.5 people in the helicopter heading for the freighter, when Frank realizes that they're leaking gasoline. He tells the passengers to throw out anything that isn't bolted down, so some toolboxes, parachutes and Aaron are tossed into the ocean. This still isn't doing the trick, so Sawyer decides to be noble and, after whispering something indecipherable into Kate's ear, throws himself overboard and swims back to the Island.

It's a damn good thing he got back to the Island before it decided to move itself. Hell, he's lucky the Island didn't land on him.

("I'm so glad Lost Monday is over; the fat jokes will finally cease.")

Once on the freighter, Desmond warns them that a bomb is about to go off, but Frank lands anyway and fuels up the chopper. Everyone hops on board, including Sun, and when the helicopter takes back off, Sun loses it over the fact that Jin has now become food to the very same fish he grew up catching with his father.

So poetic. Oh, then the Island disappears right in front of them.

With nowhere to land now, the crew braces for impact and crashes into the ocean. They all make it into the life raft and are pretty much stuck in the middle of nowhere for the time being. They cut to commercial, and I check my pupils to make sure I didn't recently suffer a concussion. Am I really seeing this?

("Psshems mmmmffrrrt frazzakle pwwpwwweet.")

BACK ON THE BEACH, WHERE JULIET DRINKS ALONE AND GETS ALL EMO.

Sawyer washes ashore and asks Juliet why she's displaying such public alcoholism. Juliet points to the remnants of the Freighter, and Sawyer seems to think that everyone on the helicopter is now dead. On top of that, his pants are extremely uncomfortable after such a long and tiring swim. This is a bad day for everyone, it would seem.

("DAAAAANCE CONNNNTEST!!!!")

AFTER THE ISLAND IS MOVED, BUT BEFORE THE CANNIBALISM.

The Oceanic 5 (plus Frank, Desmond and Aaron), continue to aimlessly float on the life raft. Hurley proclaims that, yes, Locke really did succeed in moving the island. Jack, agitated and sick of being wrong, tosses Hurley overboard just as Frank notices a nearby ship. At this point, Jack decides that Locke was right, and lets everyone know that they should probably lie about everything that has happened to them on the Island, for the good of those who were still on it.

Also, he didn't want anyone on the mainland to know about the time that he was caught pooping in Sawyer's pillowcase. Something like that could get your Medical license revoked.

("Jin had my keys in his pocket! NOOOOO!")

As fate (or lazy screenwriting) would have it, the boat happens to belong to Penny Widmore. A teary reunion takes place, as Jack tells Penny that they need to talk; presumably about planning their staged rescue. It's amazing that Penny decides to go along with this, but then again, I've never thought she was all that bright.

One week later (did you notice that?), the Oceanic 6 depart from Penny's boat with a well-established cover story, while Desmond and Frank stay behind (with a happy ending; never to be seen again?). The conversation between Jack and Desmond seems to state that Penny let them all know just what Charles Widmore is capable of, and the 6 castaways hop on the raft and head for the island of Sumba, which is known for their fishing exports and finding of plane crash survivors.

("Hi folks. I'm James Ford, for Cool Water cologne.")

FLASHFORWARDS ARE THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE!

JACK - Picking up where the final scene of 'Through The Looking Glass' left off, Kate seems less than excited about the prospect of going back to the Island with Jack. She tells Jack that Locke (Jeremy Bentham) had met with her, too, and she knew that he was crazy and not about to help him by going back to the island. Jack claims that he trusted him because he thought it would protect Kate and Aaron, but Kate is having none of it, and speeds away.

Aaron makes a cameo and flips Jack the bird.

HURLEY - Waaaaaallllllt visits the institution where Hurley is staying, asking him why nobody visited him after they were rescued. Walt claims that Locke visited him, and asks Hurley why everyone is lying about the crash. Hurley tells him that they're lying to protect the people on the Island, and Walt seems to think that his dad is currently alive and well. Hurley decides not to upset him with the truth, as Walt is now six-foot-nine and at least 27 years old.

(This wheel just spins the dessert tray in the Dharma break room.)

SAYID - Sayid visits Hurley and wants him to come along where it's 'safe.' Sayid claims that 'circumstances have changed' now that Locke was dead, and assures Hurley that they are not going back to the Island. Hurley accompanies him, but not before owning Zombie Eko in a game of chess.

I called shenanigans here, mainly because I don't think Hurley can beat Eko in a game of chess, zombified or otherwise.

SUN - Sun tracks down Charles Widmore in London, and pretty much makes him look like a silly, Australian tool. She wants answers, and lets him know that she's ready to listen when he's ready to talk. Snap!

(The CDP takes his shirt off.)

KATE - Kate, dreaming, answers her phone to hear the message 'The island needs you; you have to go back before it's too late,' spoken in reverse. As she goes to check on Aaron, we see Claire in his room, telling Kate not to bring him back to the Island. Kate wakes up, heads to Aaron's room and profusely apologizes for being such a terrible faux-mother.

JACK, AGAIN - Jack heads back to the funeral parlor, only to see Ben. According to Locke, some 'very bad things' happened on the Island after the Oceanic 6 left, and it was Jack's fault for leaving. Locke also added that he needed to come back.

Ben is there to tell Jack that everyone pretty much needs to come back to the Island before things get even more wonky, and Jack claims to not have the resources to gather up the rest of the Oceanic 6. Ben offers to help, and specifies that everyone must return, even the corpse of Mr. John Locke.

Smash-cut; everything over. Wow. How about that?

In honor of the Season Finale, I think that this episode deserves its very own haiku.

Moving the IslandWith a frozen donkey wheel.Why is this awesome?

Hey, truth be told, this episode was awesome. And hey, let's not get all sad because the show has crossed the realm into the absurd and 'you have to believe in Time Travel to continue to enjoy this madness;' let's attempt to focus on the positives here, with 5 Awesome Things!

Here are 5 Awesome Things...About Being Able To Move An Island Through Space & Time.

1. Every night is pizza night...somehow.

2. You could move it somewhere cooler during the Summer months. It could be like a three season room, minus all the elderly people and wicker furniture.

3. Remember when you used to play Super Mario World, and you could pause the game justbefore you died and reload your previously saved progress? Yeah; just like that!

4. I'm not entirely sure, but I'd rig it so I'd somehow never have to do laundry again.

5. It makes your once-amazing and respectable television show a helluva lot easier to write for.

One more time, for the kids, let's Break It Down!

4 - As a way to keep the spoiler heat off of the writers and producers of the show, two alternate endings for the 'funeral parlor' scene were shot, featuring Sawyer and Desmond in the coffin. This was presumably done to prevent the secret ending from leaking early. Other television shows have done this in the past, such as the Seinfeld finale, or the 'Who Shot Mr. Burns?' episode of The Simpsons. Subsequently, these are pretty much the only two shows that are better than Lost.

8 - Apparently, what Sawyer said to Kate was the same thing that we had presumed he had said to her, which was: "I have a daughter in Albuquerque. You need to find her; tell her I'm sorry."

Go ahead, rewind it and listen. I'll wait.

See?

("My only line of the Season Finale is in a dream sequence?")

15 - For the fourth season finale in a row, the action centers around a big-ass explosion. In Season 1, the Hatch and the raft exploded. In Season 2, the Swan Station met its fate. In Season 3, dynamite was used in mass quantities to kill a batch of the Others. This week, the Freighter was vaporized. Kaboom.

My current prediction is that in the Season 5 finale, Sun's baby will explode, and in the Series Finale, my head will explode.

16 - From Lostpedia: "This episode features the first instance of a lapse of time during the continuous present-day narrative, notably, the caption of "One Week Later" after the life-raft crew are found by the Searcher."

I'd like to know what they did on the Searcher for that week; preparing their stories and whatnot. Furthermore, I pity the poor person who had to sleep in the room right next to Desmond and Penny. They had some catching up to do, and I bet they weren't shy about it.("Yup, that's my dad, always ruining people's lives in the worst fashion humanly possible. Pie?")

"The 500 pounds of C4, that whole movie thing about "dummy triggers" and fake tripwires—it's all a load of crap. Nobody does that. At least that's what my friends at the FBI tell me. Would you want to set up explosives so that pretty much anything you did would make them go off? It's just like guessing and cutting one of the wires in the movies: Nobody would survive using that technique for very long, including Keamy and his crew. The whole training of a bomb tech is to work safely with explosives, not dangerously. There are too many ways to mess it up. Also, I'm pretty sure that C4 isn't conductive, which it would need to be to set up its wiring as a resistance feedback loop that could tell if you started to pull out the detonators. And if freezing the battery works, why not just disconnect it? Oh, right, the monitored feedback loop. But wait, C4 isn't conductive ... never mind."

Also, bear in mind that the monitor that Keamy was wearing could never continue to work once he descended into the rocky underground of the Orchid Station. Either communication would have been lost, or the Freighter simply would have exploded as soon as he got out of range. Of course, this is a show where we're supposed to believe that entire masses of land can disappear and reappear at will, so perhaps we're digging into a a little too deeply.

....Lost!("Maybe the numbers would go away if I ate them?")

42 - What do you think happened to Faraday, and those who were on the raft during the Freighter explosion? Do you think they made it back to the Island before it disappeared, or are they simply floating around in the middle of nowhere, much like the Oceanic 6 were before their rescue? Personally, if they could just give me a shot, just one second of a shot, showing Daniel Faraday floating aimlessly in the ocean by himself, then this entire finale would have been worth it.

Suck it, Faraday. I'm through with you, and I'm done with Lost Monday.

(Breaking into a funeral home makes about as much sense as an Amish guy stealing an extension cord.)

And with that, our Lost journey comes to an end. When I started doing this in 2005, I had no idea it would turn into what it did, and that I'd care so much about putting it to a halt in 2008. I want to sincerely thank everyone for all of the e-mails and kind words, and once again remind those of you who only check out the CDP for Lost Monday, I'm a published author! This was just a small section of what the CDP is all about; please stick around and allow me entertain you with poop jokes and snark.

Please start the conversation in the comments section, send anything you want to communistdance@yahoo.com, and enjoy the following links to every Lost Monday...ever.

Here's my season 5 prediction: hilarity ensues as Jack and Ben cart around Locke's corpse and are forced to pretend that he is still alive. It'll be like Weekend at Bernie's, only with time travel and regular gunplay.

Last week someone at work mentioned the theory that's blazing around the internet about 'Jeremy Bentham'...in effect, that it's a fake body being used to trick the Oceanic 6 into returning to the island. I wonder if Charlotte is Desmond and Penny's daughter (and that they may be the "Adam and Eve" that the crash survivors found in the caves)? Beyond that, I have no theories or anything about what's going to be happening next season. It's all so...confusing.

But I would like to give a hearty thanks for the picture of Sawyer, rising like Aphrodite from the foamy surf.

You wrote "they let Kate and Sayid have the helicopter in exchange for helping them out."

I think this is a very key moment in the series. What I recall happening is Ben asked Richard what the Hostiles wanted in exchange for helping him and Richard said to let the Survivors leave. Ben didn't seem happy with this decision, but it didn't seem like he could argue. I wonder how much of a leader for the hostiles Ben really is? Maybe he was the leader of the mainlanders he brought to the Island, but not the natives?

HATHERY - Thanks, babe. I really didn't want to half-ass this one. I think I put about six total hours into it, which is about six hours more than I should be putting into something that I don't get paid for.

Which reminds me; I'll be more than happy to bring Lost Monday back if a major pop culture publication is willing to meet my price. Send bids to communistdance@yahoo.com

EMILY - Hey, thank you so much for reading the book, and for such a rad review! I've gone ahead and linked the write-up in my 'About Me' sidebar. Again, I really appreciate it, and owe you a beer the next time we meet up (if ever).

"It's possible to gain a great deal of insight into this man's head, but in the end, still know almost nothing about him."

This is, without question, the most accurate and insightfully honest quote about me that I think anyone's ever written.

Me and Moe have already discussed this bizarre quesiton via e-mail; does anyone else have any idea why this is happening? Wasn't it just a few days prior that the Freighter's proximity to the Island was making people kill themselves? Why is everything jiving now?

The last time I actually spent a night out in Madison was when I went to a concert with Cargirl, and some guy in the audience recognized me. He walked over to me, said "Wow, the CDP made it out!" and shook my hand.

Later on, when Cargirl asked me if he had recognized who I was, I pretty much got to feel like the coolest guy in the world when I said yes. Never mind that I was already attending this concert with a CDP fan.

Does the "donkey wheel" resemble a ship's wheel to anyone else? And maybe there's a point at the island's perimeter where you go from island time to real-world time? I dunno. That discrepancy kind of bothered me, too, but I just figured the freighter got close enough to the island to have transitioned into its timeframe. And I think that Locke goes against some of Jacob's (or - the island's) intentions, and that's where the trouble with the Others/Hostiles begins...remember when Ben said that even he took his orders from someone else? IF that really is Locke in the casket, and there's no ploy by Ben to use the Oceanic 6 to sneak a way back onto the island.

I was glued to the set this finale. Did anyone else jump when Ben spoke to Jack at the funeral parlor?

I was a little disappointed with the dead man trigger on Keamy down in the Orchid. My cell phone won't work in an elevator. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want a radio transponder that would work from below a mountain strapped to my arm.

I'm guessing the island has moved before and Widmore was the one that moved it. The price for moving it is banishment. Probably why Widmore has been searching so long to get back and why he doesen't know where it is.