Am I really not ok?

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

I have this thing, it's called depression. To specify my almost two decade old diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder or MDD. It was also given with another diagnosis, that since it's diagnosis, has been found to be a misdiagnosis. The second diagnosis was schizophreniform, which by definition is schizophrenic like symptoms displayed for at least one month, but not the full six months needed to diagnose schizophrenia. Basically they were saying it was possible i was schizophrenic, but they had to wait to see if the symptoms where schizophrenia or just a psychotic break. I had had a psychotic break.

Anyway, back to what is actually the issue. So we all know someone with depression, whether it is our self, a friend, or a relative, we all know someone with depression. We may not know someone has it because they manage it well, but it's a good chance at least one person you know has depression. Pretty grim, I know. Hey, if you didn't know or notice, they're ok right? They manage pretty well, you would never have thought that if they didn't tell you. Here's the thing, maybe they're not managing it. It's more likely they are hiding it cause they're ashamed.

Honestly, why else do you think I am posting this under a pseudonym. It's embarrassing. It's so embarrassing that I find myself pausing and rethinking what I am typing so I don't give anything about myself away. My goal is to keep as much to myself as possible while telling some of the scariest things I've ever told about myself. Yeah, some things are unavoidable so I will say them, like I am human, yes so you know this is not computer generated or alien. I have parents, siblings, children, a spouse, friends, and extended family.

See.... this is why my pseudonym is moodyrambler..... I ramble a lot!

I'm always wondering how can I be depressed? My family is awesome, not like superstars or anything just average, but at the same time awesome. Average, mostly boring just living every day, some times lazy others super active. The spouse works hard, always has. Does every and anything they can for us. The kids and I are so very lucky. The kids are great. They grow and learn and do things kids do, like drive me crazy some times.

The spouse and kids are probably what helped me for the last ?? years thinking I'd beaten my depression completely. Yes, there are a few days I can think of that it may have popped up to remind me it was still there, but for the most part it hasn't been around. Not sure why but it has come back, and it's back with a vengeance. I am still doing most of my day to day, but not at the same time. In a funk really. The spouse knows, knew the first day before I realized and told them what was going on. They were worried about me. I don't think the kids know, one might but if they do they haven,t mentioned it. Trying to push myself to appear okay and get out of this funk I went out with a group of friends. It helped but it didn't.

I finally gave in and went to see a doctor. As much as I hate it I am back on antidepressants. If you've ever been on one you know how it feels. You're not sad, but your not happy either. It's this monotone feeling, an almost foggy state. You can do your day to day just fine, but everything is just kind of meh. Since this has come back I have smiled, I have laughed. So am I going to an extreme getting on these meds? I don't know. I kind of hope so, I'd like to not need them.

With so many out there having the same issue I have to wonder, am I really not okay, or is this just life?

Well if you've made it to this point, thank you. Feel the same, or know some one you think might feel the same maybe show this to them. I mean I know I am not the only one that feels this way, but some one else might think they are the only one. Maybe knowing some one else has the same issue they can feel less alone?