Question: My mother (Christian) lives in a Jewish assisted living home. We picked it based on quality of care, elder values, and proximity to our family. My mom just asked if it was ok to put her Christmas wreath on her door this Christmas. It's March so I guess she is thinking ahead. ;) Would this be disrespectful? While Jewish at its core, it is still an equal housing facility. What should she do? My mom is 92 and I am typing this question for her on that internet thing. LOL.

I am so appreciative of this question because it demonstrates sensitivity to both the Jewish community and to the reality of Jews and Christians living together in communities where both might want to be able to comfortably expresses their religious identities. As a Jew living in a predominantly Christian society, I am always extremely grateful when I have the opportunity to share my religious traditions and not have those of others imposed upon me thoughtlessly. Being greeted with “Happy Holidays!” instead of “Merry Christmas!”, being able to feel safe placing a menorah in my window or on my synagogue property, seeing the Jewish children from my synagogue participate in Holiday celebrations at their schools rather than Christmas pageants, all affirm my religious rights and freedoms and those of my fellow Jews, regardless of being a minority people. By the same token, I would hope that any Jewish community would welcome it’s gerim toshav, it’s resident members of other faiths, to freely and safely express their religious identities and practice their rituals and customs. I would sincerely hope, therefore, that you mother would be welcome to hang a Christmas wreath on her door, erect a small tree in her apartment, wear Christmas sweaters, or practice any similar custom. I would similarly hope that she would be welcomed to participate in whatever holiday celebrations are taking place during Chanukah and that she would be encouraged to invite her fellow residents to support her celebration of Christmas by joining her for cookies, eggnog, or the like on Christmas Eve and/or Day.

That said, I cannot speak for your mom’s new community, although I certainly hope that they share my views. My suggestion would be to speak with someone on their staff to make sure that you and your mom are aware of their policies and practices. If their stance is not reflected in this response, then I would encourage you to see it as an opportunity to begin a dialogue with them about how to make residents who are not Jewish feel more welcomed to express their religious identities and celebrate their religious observances.

Question: I have a question about names. I am converting to Judaism, and my mikvah date is in just a few weeks. I have been exploring Judaism and learning for about 3 years. I have already picked a Hebrew name, which my rabbi at the time began to call me by. I found that I liked being called my Hebrew name, and began to use that name rather than my birth name/English name. I don't ask my parents or siblings to refer to me by my Hebrew name, though they know I use it. I want to legally change my first name to my Hebrew name. However, a friend suggested that maybe this would be disrespectful to my father, who named me for his deceased mother. My friend made the case that even though my English name is not a Jewish one, since my parents followed the Jewish tradition of naming for a deceased relative, I should not legally change my name. Is it disrespectful to my father to change my name? What is the Jewish perspective on name changes?

First of all, Baruch HaBa! Welcome to the Jewish people! Name changes in Judaism are, for the most part more a matter of minhag (custom) than halakha (law). Changing one’s given name is a choice, not a requirement, although there are many rabbis who hold that converts should not only add a Hebrew name but also modify their original given name. At the same time, other rabbis point to Ruth, our biblical prototype for conversion, who did not change her Moabite name when she chose to join the Israelite people. Like so often happens, there’s a definite case of “two Jews, three opinions” when it comes to name changes, with a wide range of rabbinic responses to support each one! While ultimately the decision is yours to make, knowing about some of the Jewish customs and traditions connected to name changes, and about the spiritual importance of Jewish/Hebrew names may be helpful.

Changing names is not uncommon in Jewish tradition. We have examples of it as far back as Abraham and Sarah themselves. There are countless cases of name changes in the Torah, and the Talmud and other works of rabbinic literature give plenty of examples of name changes as well. Name changing is a part of Jewish tradition not only when someone is converting into the Jewish faith but also when a Jew is dangerously ill or believes themselves to be in danger. This custom, found in the Talmud, is known as meshanneh shem (changing the name) and the name change in these cases is believed to fool the angel of death or ward off the evil eye.

In situations where an individual is given a name by someone other than their parent, there is a Jewish custom of adding the new name rather than replacing the old one. In such cases, the new name often becomes the main name. Thus, being informed by this custom, you could legally change your name but have your original name (the name that your parents gave you) as a second or middle name.

But I think your questions speaks to something deeper than a simple compromise. Shakespeare said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” in other words: the names we use are arbitrary. Jewish tradition disagrees. We are taught that the Hebrew name of every object is the conduit for its divine energy. It’s the same for each person. Our names reflect the unique qualities and attributes with which we were created. The Arizal, a 16th century kabbalist, explained that one’s Hebrew name, along with it’s numerical value (the total when the sum of each Hebrew letter’s numerical equivalent is added together) can attest to their nature. This idea is supported by many biblical, talmudic and midrashic passages. For example, when God brought all the animals before Adam, he named them by emphasizing that which was unique to each one (ex. a donkey, which transports material goods (chomer) is called a chamor).

Another teaching that I came across while studying-up on the topic of Jewish names points out that the Hebrew word for name (shem) is contained within the Hebrew word for soul (neshama). Clearly the two (one’s soul and one’s name) are inextricably linked. Our Hebrew name hints at our essence, which is why we are called up to the Torah using this (and not our secular) name. When we are called by that name, we are reminded of our deepest, truest and most spiritual selves. In this vein, legally changing your name to your new Jewish/Hebrew name reflects the truth of who you are becoming or have become. Doing so is a wonderful way to affirm both your journey and your new identity. It seems from your question like this would be a meaningful to you.

However, your question is less about why you might want to change your name and more about whether or not doing so is disrespectful to your parents, specifically your father, who named you after his deceased mother. The Jewish value of Kibbud Av v’Em, respect for one’s parents, is certainly not one that we take lightly. That said, we don’t usually view the choice to become Jewish as being disrespectful to one’s parents, although we definitely acknowledge that parents don’t always welcome this change of religious idenity. Changing your name is an extension of your choice to become a Jew and as such, would probably also not technically be viewed as disrespectful. That said, it is often the case that the parents of Jews-by-choice experience pain and confusion in response to their child’s choice to convert. Some even feel it is a rejection or an insult. Throughout the conversion process, as you hopefully already know, it is important to be sensitive to the feelings and reactions of your parents, and to share with them, kindly and gently, the reasons for your decisions. By asking this question, and taking your parents' feelings into consideration, you are already fulfilling the obligation of kibbud av v’em.

This Jewish value though, often comes hand in hand with another Jewish value, that of Shalom Bayit (peace in the home). Only you know your family well enough to determine whether legally changing your name is going to disrupt your Shalom Bayit. If doing so is going to cause hurt or division within your family than it might not be worth the spiritual gratification that your name change would bring with it. However, if you think your parents will understand, accept and support your choice of a new name, or if you think a compromise can be struck where you use both your old and new name (as in the custom described above), or where you legally change your name but continue to extend to your family the ability to call you by the name they’ve always known you by, then I would encourage you to choose the option that best fits your family’s needs (in addition to your own spiritual needs). Certainly all of these options can be viewed as in-keeping with Jewish customs and teachings.

While I don’t think that the act of changing your name is disrespectful in-and-of-itself according to Jewish tradition, not endeavoring to observe Kibbud Av v’Em and Shalom Bayitwould violate Jewish values. I think you’d be hard-pressed to find a rabbi who would encourage you to change your name if it was going to cause disruption in your family.

What a great question! The answer to this question may range from one movement to the other so I’m going to give you the perspective of a Reform rabbi (because that’s what I am!). Judaism has a very important value called Pikkuach Nefesh, which is the value of saving a life. There is a Jewish teaching that if you save a life, it is as if you have saved the whole world. For that reason, Reform Judaism encourages both bone marrow transplants and being an organ donor. Even though it’s true that Jews are supposed to be buried as soon as possible, a delay of burial in order to allow for the life-saving possibilities of organ donation is allowed.

Our Rabbi’s taught us about T’shuvah, which means repentance, or returning to the correct way to behave. T’shuvah is a process with many steps. When you make a mistake, like telling a lie to someone you love, the last part of the T’shuvah process is to make sure that you tell the truth the next time you are asked a question by that person (or anyone else!). The process of T’shuvah also includes admitting that you lied, both to yourself and to the person that you lied to, and telling them that you are sorry for lying to them. If you tell them that you understand what you did was wrong and that you will tell the truth next time, and if you really do tell the truth next time, then Judaism teaches that your loved one will forgive you. It may take time for them to trust you again but once they see that you are being truthful, and not lying anymore, you will be able to slowly rebuild their trust.

Question: At the beginning of my relationship, I communicated clearly to my s.o. that I considered pornography to be infidelity. My partner agreed that he would stop. He continued for years without my knowledge, even lying about his computer being broken in order to hide his use. At points he even described his use an an addiction. This deceit went on for 6 years. According to Jewish Law, is it fair to consider this infidelity equal to a physical betrayal?
[Administrator's note: See an earlier related question and answer on JVO at http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=304]

Your question touches on a few different and equally important topics. The matter of a spouse having a sex addiction is a serious one. My esteemed colleagues have responded to a question on this site specific to cyber-sex addictions. Their response highlights that regardless of whether or not one suffers from the illness of addiction, infidelity occurs when a person is deceitful with their spouse, lying or hiding their behavior and addictions. Certainly one suffering from an addiction should seek therapy, and their partner (that's you) should also seek professional guidance and support.

On the matter of Judaism and pornography, the core issue again (especially in relation to your question), is whether or not infidelity is taking place. Judaism does view sex, within a marriage, as an enriching expression of human love. Outside of a marriage (or a committed partnership in contemporary non-Orthodox communities), where sex is perhaps not being expressed in the context of loyalty, trust, understanding and love, Jewish tradition is much less welcoming of sexual acts and activities.

Pornography is particularly challenging from a Jewish perspective because it violates our traditional values of modesty as well as creating a environment and culture of disrespect for the human body, which we believe to be created b'tzelem Elohim, in the Divine image.

It is true that one could argue that pornography might be viewed or used as a marital or relationship aid when both partners engage in it willingly and together. The use of aids to establish a satisfactory sexual relationship within a marriage is not banned or taboo in Jewish tradition. The Torah makes mention of love potions and the Talmud refers to certain foods that can be eaten to arouse desire. Judaism is not “prudish” and encourages married couples to enjoy their sexual relationship.

Judaism also does not ban works of art or literature simply because they deal with sex. Jewish tradition does, however, encourage us to handle all matters relating to sex and sexual desire with modesty and dignity. Jewish tradition also compels us to rise above our base or animalistic urges. Our sacred texts remind us time and again that unlike animals, we are created with the ability to distinguish right from wrong.

Engaging in or enjoying pornography, especially when one is married and/or their spouse or partner is not a willing participant, is akin to failing to rise above our base instincts. The culture of pornography urges us to lose control of ourselves and our sense of right and wrong, and this is directly in opposition to Jewish values.

Therefore, the questions that must be asked of someone who is engaging in or enjoying pornography are: What are your motives? Are you promoting a serious form of art or are you exploiting the human body for your own sexual gratification? Is this something your spouse/parter approves of and participates in with you, or is this something you have to hide from them and lie about?

When pornography exploits for the purposes of sexual gratification it is not sanctioned by Jewish tradition, and when pornography is viewed and consumed by a member of a committed relationship without the knowledge or approval of their spouse or partner, Jewish tradition considers this to be a form of infidelity.

Pornographic consumption can lead to online affairs, which can (and often do) lead to physical affairs. Furthermore, as my colleague Rabbi Brooks Susman writes in a related answer on this site, “Judaism posits that there is no mind-body dualism; that there is a unity among the mind, body and soul.” If the mind or the eyes are engaging in infidelity, than so too is the heart and the soul, even if the hands are idle. Physical contact does not need to take place for this transgression to be considered infidelity.

Similarly, my colleague, Rabbi John Sherwood, z”l, also responded to a related question on this site, reminding us that in biblical times, adultery was defined a woman having sex with a man who was not her husband. However in our time, adultery might be considered, “any behavior that adulterates, or takes away from the quality of a marriage. It might be physical sex, flirting online, or being preoccupied with pornography...Furthermore, adultery is not necessarily sexual. It might be obsession with the wood shop in the garage, a garden club, or any other behavior that done to the extreme takes one partner away from the (committed) relationship.”

Your S.O. lied to you and acted deviously to hide his pornographic addiction. Certainly, Jewish tradition considers this to be adulterous behavior. That said, Judaism is a tradition that also values opportunities for t'shuva (repentance) and forgiveness. With the help of therapists, family, and community, hopefully you and your S.O. can work through the challenges of living with his addiction in a healthy and committed relationship founded on fidelity, honesty and trust.

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN ANSWERS PROVIDED HEREIN ARE THOSE OF THE INDIVIDUAL JVO PANEL MEMBERS, AND DO NOT
NECESSARILY REFLECT OR REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF THE ORTHODOX, CONSERVATIVE OR REFORM MOVEMENTS, RESPECTIVELY.