Fiat justitia, ruat coelum.

The U.S. so bombed Pluto

By: Ulysses Floyd Oregano

The nuclear warhead program began in October of 1939. The first nuclear weapon test was in July of 1945, and it is the reason that the U.S. was able to end the war with Japan.

That August in 1945, when the U.S. dropped the atom bomb “Little Boy” on Hiroshima, was the last time that a nuclear weapon was used. During the Cold War, both the U.S. and Russia had an arms race, where both nations began stockpiling nuclear weapons. In 1967, the U.S. had 31,255 warheads, according to Wikipedia. Now, we only have 4,018.

I did some research into this, and, according to Yahoo! Answers, nuclear bombs will never expire. Therefore, something must have happened to the 27,000 other warheads.

One might make the assumption that the U.S. simply sold its nuclear warheads to other countries around the world during its imperialistic conquest of the world by “fighting communism” with banana republics, but this cannot be true in the slightest. It would be completely unethical for a government to do this, and the U.S. government is the most ethical one in the universe.

Now, I would like to introduce another fact. Pluto was discovered in 1930 and deemed a planet. In 2006, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) decided that Pluto could not be a planet because of its size. However, if it was too small throughout its short time being a planet, then why was it a planet in the first place? Surely this means that it must have met all the criteria when it was discovered in 1930.

The U.S. cemented itself as the master of space travel in 1969 with the moon landing, a mere two years after the U.S. had its highest number of nuclear warheads — right as the number began decreasing. However, the Cold War was still going on. This was just the peak.

On April 26, 1986, a nuclear reactor exploded in Pripyat. The explosion killed 31 people. We know this as the Chernobyl disaster.

Ulysses Floyd Oregano is a conspiracy theorist writing from an undisclosed location. All facts about their life are private.

So, let’s look at the facts objectively: The U.S. had a surplus of nuclear weapons in the late 1980s, the Cold War was cooling down, the U.S. knows space, a nuclear disaster occurred in the Soviet Union, and people are clamoring for the end of nuclear testing and warring.

The only real solution that can be drawn from this is that the U.S. fired thousands of nuclear warheads at Pluto in an attempt to get rid of the excess number that we had because of rising pressure from the public and in an effort to intimidate other potentially left-leaning nations. It worked as a way to cement the U.S. as a military power, a scientific power and a democratic power. The only downside was the loss of status for Pluto, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not really that big of a deal.

Why is this not something that the general populace knows about? Obviously, the U.S. didn’t want the people to know that it did this, so the entire operation was kept under wraps, shared only with the governments of countries that they were involved with and the IAU. The scientists and bureaucrats are in on it together and are willing to threaten our future life elsewhere in the galaxy solely for intimidation and ignorance for how to deal with nuclear energy and weaponry.