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Hi , Welcome to the Relationship Forums!

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I never asked to her to let me show her, she said, if you want to be with me show me. My reply was, I will, I want the chance as your boyfriend to show you that I mean what I say. I was quite prepared to do as much showing as it took. But was scared I would have put in so much emotionally and physically, then she would turn around and say, see, we get on fine just as we are without being together... I was at a loss for what to do.

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I never asked to her to let me show her, she said, if you want to be with me show me. My reply was, I will, I want the chance as your boyfriend to show you that I mean what I say. I was quite prepared to do as much showing as it took. But was scared I would have put in so much emotionally and physically, then she would turn around and say, see, we get on fine just as we are without being together... I was at a loss for what to do.

Tell you what... Back then during my breakup she said things like that to me, and the more I tried proving it the more it emotionally drained me to the state I am not myself for a long time anymore.

My advise would be not to take the words so seriously, as whatever you do will only proof that she holds all power in your relationship and you will be facing a even bigger heartbreak in the future.

Not contacting would be the strongest action spoken without even opening your mouth.

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The no contact thing should be something second nature.. U shouldn't contact them because your busy and have made time for other things to fill up that time slot, rather than you just sitting at home waiting for your message tone or ring tone go off because you're pretending to be busy..

As hard as it may be change your focus on to something else and see who contacts whom

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The no contact thing should be something second nature.. U shouldn't contact them because your busy and have made time for other things to fill up that time slot, rather than you just sitting at home waiting for your message tone or ring tone go off because you're pretending to be busy..

Sorry to wade into an old thread but I just had a personal experience with the "no contact" thing after a breakup and I'm now even more convinced that this is absolutely crucial to re-building your ex's attraction.

Also, if you do decide to contact her after X amount of time (i'd say at least a month if you relationship had been going on for a year or more), you don't want to just jump back into the old habit of saying the same needy stuff to your ex. Some good advice on how to go about re-connecting after the no contact period: http://get-the-girl-back.com/articles/text-messages-send-to-your-ex-girlfriend.html

If the primary goal of that whole exercise was to get her back, then you did it wrong.

100% agreed.

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Kuky, thank you for that. It was really helpful reading it, and made me feel a lot better about my situation. It really resonated with me when you said that if I were to become the man she would want to get back with, I would no longer want her. This seems very true to me, even if it does sound like a Buddhist aphorism. Such is life, I guess.

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Hey, dudes and dudettes! It's my first post here, so please, be UBER gentle with me!

I've decided I want to attempt a get together with my ex. I realize it's probably fruitless, but I've been told life is about risks. I'm waiting until summer is mostly done. Late August, early September. I'm being optimistic and saying there's a slim chance of a reunion.

We weren't fighting or anything. In a year and a half, we had a spat or two or a misunderstanding, but never a fight. We always went on amazing, creative dates and we always laughed and cuddled and smiled.

The reason for the very, very recent breakup, was spurred on by wedding season, she says. She felt that we ALWAYS had "fun," but wasn't entirely certain there was a future beyond that. Our "values" were different.

It wasn't that they were different, I guess, but that they were undefined on my behalf. I took a week to decide what I want from life, what I'd like to improve and other miscellaneous ramblings about myself and others. I've enrolled in a few new classes, such as French language, because I learned I'm the only person in Canada who's uni-lingual. I mean, I'm learning mad-patience right now, so I might as well grow and preoccupy myself.

I learned a lot from this 25 year old bombshell. We might never work out, but at least she gave me a wakeup call.

I'm quite confident I'll get a tea date or something set up with her in a month or so, but I have no idea what to do when we're together. Play it by ear, I guess. If she seems interested, roll with it. I'm just wondering if there's a way I should portray myself during this thing? Are there subjects to avoid, etc? Should I talk about my redefining list for myself, or just mention the changes that are tangible and believable?

Life is tricky sometimes.

I don't know. Maybe in a month I just won't even care about this any more. Maybe I won't decide to meet with her in the future.

However my situation is a bit different, we have a kid already, I have spent a lot of money trying to set up business for her. She has some emotional problem because of the environment she grew up (orphaned and with a rough aunt) that when she is upset for some time she does not think logically.

The thing I hate most, is when she feel so upset or cannot explain any situation, what goes on her mind is to leave the home. She has done this three times with me but it was also her childhood behavior. I donít know how I can leave with this.

Thanks

Anthy

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As for lack-of-need: Your needs are air, water, food, and shelter. That is it. You will live if you have a sufficient amount of those things. I think love is important, but I don't think it should be experienced from the same point of view as a "need". I think love should come from inside, and therefore I think the statement, "I need somebody to make me happy" is a terrible mindset.

Actually this is not true. Studies have been done (yes this is cruel but true) that show that when physical affection is withheld, babies (human and many other animals) will die.
That's right, they actually die. The ones that didn't suffered severe handicaps including retardation.

Love is necessary. "ROMANTIC" love is NOT. I am talking about real love. Genuine, not a love driven by agenda.

Peace out.

sigpic

Various uses for the phrase "Fuck this shit."

Man: Please find a word that rhymes with 'orange'.
Other Man *after an hour of looking*: Man fuck this shit.

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Hmmmm, but sometimes, a break up is - or could be - a real opportunity for one to look in the mirror and finally see the things they need to improve about themselves.

So much of the advice I've read - here and elsewhere - assumes that the dumpee really just needs to "love themselves" a bit more and that they shouldn't feel sad about the relationship ending, because "they deserve better anyway".

Whereas in reality, they'd be a lot better off if they took the break up as a big wake up call and realised that their ex had some very real reasons for leaving them, and addressed those issues.

Why do I never see anyone advising people to really think hard about what THEY did wrong? After all, if they don't address those issues, chances are they'll pull them into the next relationship too, and then they'll be wondering why that relationship didn't work out either?

Confused79 you bring up a VERY good point.
When things don't work out, surely there are reasons! And there are always things to learn from failure. The most wise and productive thing to do when facing a failed relationship is to do some very real introspection. Too often do we become arrogant and proclaim that our mate was "crazy" or whatever and yell to the mountain that we "deserve better". BULLSHIT.
We deserve precisely what we get.
When we begin to see clearly and act in ways that serve us, we will have better results.
We have to open our inner eye. Look within. Ask questions (TO OURSELVES)
such as:
"What is MY responsibility in this failure?"
"Have I admitted to and owned up to my parts in this or am I simply blaming someone else?"

Very thought provoking and a good addition to this already very intriguing and helpful thread.

sigpic

Various uses for the phrase "Fuck this shit."

Man: Please find a word that rhymes with 'orange'.
Other Man *after an hour of looking*: Man fuck this shit.

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You say: As for lack-of-need: Your needs are air, water, food, and shelter. That is it. You will live if you have a sufficient amount of those things. I think love is important, but I don't think it should be experienced from the same point of view as a "need". Umm not quite right...it looks like it may be a need for a longer life....

Middle-aged people without a spouse or long-term partner were discovered to be at greater risk of premature death than those who were settled down with their other half.
So stark was the difference in outcomes that those who never married or settled down with a long-term companion were more than twice as likely to die in middle age than those who had been in a stable relationship throughout their adult life.
Even when personality and risky behaviours were taken into account, marital status continued to have a major impact on survival into old age, researchers from Duke University Medical Center in the US said.

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You say: As for lack-of-need: Your needs are air, water, food, and shelter. That is it. You will live if you have a sufficient amount of those things. I think love is important, but I don't think it should be experienced from the same point of view as a "need". Umm not quite right...it looks like it may be a need for a longer life....

Middle-aged people without a spouse or long-term partner were discovered to be at greater risk of premature death than those who were settled down with their other half.
So stark was the difference in outcomes that those who never married or settled down with a long-term companion were more than twice as likely to die in middle age than those who had been in a stable relationship throughout their adult life.
Even when personality and risky behaviours were taken into account, marital status continued to have a major impact on survival into old age, researchers from Duke University Medical Center in the US said.

FUCK! I need to get married now!!

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This is my first read in this forum, and have to say its nice to have something interesting to read on the subject! Getting an ex back is always a tricky subject, but the more information someone can arm themselves with, the more chance they have of re-kindling that relationship... or indeed finding it if that relationship is, actually, over for good.

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You can feel like your heart's been ripped out, sure. It's all part of the process. Let's face it: stuff happens. You will lose loved ones in life, and bad things will happen to good people. That's a given. The only variable is, how do you respond to it? Are you learning from it, or are you dwelling on it? You're feeling pain. Great. Are you okay with that for a time being, or are you suffering from it? Cause there's a difference between feeling pain and suffering from it. Suffering is not useful.