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Air show? Incoming! Run for your lives: Fiorito

A recent column on the air show provoked hysterical and instructive commentary from “patriots” at home and abroad.

Readers who disagreed with Joe Fiorito's opposition to the CNE air show didn't hesitate to pile on with their hilariously profane opinions. Above, a single-prop plane is doused by the Toronto Fire boat William Lyon MacKenzie during the show. (STEVE RUSSELL / TORONTO STAR) | Order this photo

As you might expect, a recent column on the air show prompted much response, some of it amusing and much of it from, shall we say, south of the border.

A man wrote to observe that I was a “duchess bag.” I do not think he meant that I am piece of luggage belonging to a member of British royalty.

A woman signed off her vitriolic note with the words, “I really are a dumbass.” I suspect she did not mean that she herself was a dumbass, but who am I to judge?

An American senior citizen observed that I must have voted for Obama; there was nothing I could do to persuade him that Canadians do not get to cast ballots in the United States. But if I could have, I would have.

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And then there was the guy who was upset that I did not like the Cleveland air show. I have never been to Cleveland, although my uncle Joe died there in a car accident in the ’30s. Frankly, I have nothing against the Cleveland air show, if they have one. They can do whatever they want in Cleveland, except win NFL games.

I especially like the note I got from the head of an American investment firm who wrote, using his company email address, to suggest that I was gay. My wife got a kick out of that.

I wrote back to ask if his customers were aware of his views. He has not replied. I can only conclude that all his clients are aware that the head of the company handling their investments is a gay-basher.

And then there is the fellow who suggested that I climb on a chair, tie a rope around my neck and please myself manually while watching the Leafs, after which I could kick the chair over; he put it somewhat more colorfully than that.

Go, Leafs.

“Proud Military Pilot” wrote, “Thank (procreating) god you are Canadian and not American. You are the reason everyone thinks Canada is full of (kitties). Get a (procreating) life and a real job and contribute to society instead of filling the Internet with your word vomit. Go (procreate with) your mother if you can find your tiny excuse for a (reproductive organ).

I thank you, sir, and my 87-year-old mother, who is in hospital at the moment, sends her regards.

My second favourite note?

The guy who wrote to say, “You epitomize the douchebaggery that is the libtard left. Do you also complain about the pride parade making all that noise or were you holding hands with Trudeau?

“If it wasn’t for those aces that you hold so much contempt for you would probably have to grow a pair. Their sacrifice allowed you to become the card carrying hipster douche you probably are.

“Happy Labour Day and have a side of (reproductive organ) with your vegan (seminal fluid) soup.”

Oh, dear. One never serves that sort of thing with that sort of soup, especially not on Labour Day.

The hands-down winner?

From the deepest darkest heart of America, comes this: “Hey you (rhymes with fey) little bitch. (Procreate) you! You think airshows are just (excreta)? Why don’t you go live in Iraq so then the last thing you hear is a F-16 dropping bombs on your stupid ass. Go (procreate) yourself with the biggest (town in Newfoundland) you can find, you (rhymes with swat). Better yet, go ask a pilot to . . . I’m sure we’ll all be happy to beat the (excreta) out of you.

“I’d suggest you remove the article you liberal (procreate) and go drive your Prius over to your boyfriend’s house and cuddle with him as he sticks his big black (you know what) down your (you know where), you (procreate.)”

Where to begin?

By ending with the words of my friend Belle, who writes, “My deceased husband loved the air show. The Snow Birds were his favourite. He didn’t like years that leaned heavily on war planes.

“Even remembering that, I think it’s time we stopped the air show. Too much noise and pollution and way too much glorification of war and death.

“I watch my great-grandsons play video games and wonder at all the death and destruction in these. Have we not learned anything?”

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