Dear George – the newly-elected MP helps readers with their problems

George Galloway was sensationally voted in as MP for Bradford West last week, in an important victory for rampant opportunism. Now the Respect MP is here to empathise with your specific problems, whatever they may be.

Dear George,
I am a Polish migrant worker. I came to this country with my wife and children seven years ago in search of work and we have settled well in Luton. But now the work has dried up. I have been told that there is a job for me in Glasgow but am reluctant to uproot my family.. What do you suggest I do?

Stefan, Luton

George writes,
As a Polish migrant worker myself I am deeply in tune with the needs of the Polish migrant worker community, and that is why the people of Blackburn chose me as their new MP. I understand your reluctance to uproot your family but your priority has to be you regardless of how they may feel. If Glasgow is where the opportunity is then you should go to Glasgow. You can always leave your wife and find a new one if they don’t like it.

Dear George,
I think I might be a lesbian, but my parents are both North Cypriots. I desperately want them to accept me for who I am, but I wonder if it is better to live a lie than risk tearing the family apart. What should I do?

Constantina, Bletchley

George writes,
It can be very hard to pretend you are something you’re not, unless you get a lot of practice. As a homosexual young female myself, I and the constituents of Bury know how you feel, and that’s why they elected me to represent them in the most amazing political outcome in history. Why not pretend to be heterosexual to their faces, but spend most of your time away from them, on parliamentary expenses?

Dear George,
My owners have recently switched me from pouches of food to cheaper, dry food. I have grown quite fond of them but the dry food isn’t as nice. I’m seriously considering wandering into a house down the street to see if they’ll take me in. What do you suggest I do?

Tiddles, Northampton

George writes,
As a cat myself I am deeply in tune with the needs of the cat community, and that is why the people of Bolton chose me as their new MP. I understand that you will always be governed by shameful self-interest, and I can relate to that on a personal level. If times are hard in your house why not rub yourself against someone else’s leg, and pretend to love them? Sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to put food under the table.

Dear George,
My street in Bradford is in a terrible state, it’s riddled with pot holes. As my local MP, what do you propose to do about them?

Richard, Bradford West

George writes,
You sicken me. This is rampant opportunism. Show me some respect and stop hounding me with the dreary details of your tedious little life. I’m a symbol of a fundamental change in British politics, not a bloody road mender.