Monthly Archives: November 2011

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This is what happens when I get an extra day off, guys
I have time to read ten pages of middle fucking english
and bring you this:
enjoy

Okay so first off, a little backstory
there’s all these dudes and they are riding horses and shit
they are in england and they are trying to get to canterbury
cause that is where the party is at
or where the cathedral is at
or some kind of sacred statue at least
look WHATEVER
the point is there are a bunch of dudes and chicks on horses
and they get pretty bored because horses are slow
so this one guy
who is an inkeeper normally
is like GUYS
GUYS
making people less bored is what I DO
here’s the plan:
we’re gonna have a storytelling contest
and whoever tells the raddest story is going to get $$$$$$$$
so first up let’s hear a story from THIS KNIGHT I FOUND
and the knight is like SHIT YEAH BITCHES
and he tells a storyand maybe I will tell you that story some time
because it is pretty good in its own (boring boring) way
but for now we’ve got bigger fish to fry
cause see
after the knight finishes telling his story
the innkeeper is like GREAT STORY BRO
MAN
I WAS MOVED TO TEARS
OKAY UP NEXT LET’S HEAR A STORY FROM THIS NOBLE MONK OVER HERE
but that’s when shit goes haywire
cause there’s this miller riding with them
and he is TRASHED
it’s like 2PM and this guy is like falling off his horse
and he’s like HEY
INKEEPER
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU
SEEMS TO ME
YOU’RE JUST PICKING ALL THE RICH FANCY POPULAR DUDES
TO TELL ALL THEIR RICH FANCY POPULAR TALES
AND I MAY BE DRUNK
BUT I’M SURE AS HELL NOT FANCY OR POPULAR
SO GATHER ROUND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY
ABOUT BUTTS
and the Innkeeper is like whoa now
slow your roll there drunky mcdrunkenpants
and the Miller is like IF I’M SO DRUNK HOW COME YOU DON’T LOOK FUCKABLE YET
THERE ARE TWO POSSIBLE REASONS FOR THIS
REASON ONE: I’M NOT DRUNK
IN WHICH CASE YOU SHOULD LET ME TELL MY STORY
REASON TWO: YOU’RE JUST REAAAAAAALLY UGLY
AND NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE ORDERS FROM UGLY PEOPLE
SO I SHOULD STILL TELL MY STORY
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO
HERE IS MY STORY ABOUT BUTTS AND SEX AND CARPENTERS

now guys
before we begin this story
let me just remind you
that I am only a storyteller here
not even a full-on storyteller
a story RE-teller
so whatever the miller is about to say
it’s totally not my responsibility
this is his drunk-ass talking
filtered through the horndog sensibilites of Geoffrey Chaucer
and I will not hear any complaints
or god help me I am turning this myth around and we are going home

(I’m going to put this all in quotation marks so yall don’t forget)

” Okay so there’s this carpenter
his name is John
he’s a big jerk and also dumb
also old and gross
but he runs a pretty sweet motel
and also he has a REALLY HOT WIFE
guys
GUYS
his wife is so hot
I would eat pudding off her ass
STRAIGHT UP I WOULD
DON’T TEST ME
FIND ME AN ASS I WOULDN’T EAT PUDDING OFF OF
AND I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT ASS WILL HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON THE ASS OF THIS WOMAN IN THE STORY I AM TELLING
her name is Allison by the way
and she has a nasty habit of eyefucking the SHIT
out of every man, woman and child in the vicinity
and what the fuck is this old guy doing getting married to this fine piece of ass?
can you spell Gold-digger?
cause I can’t
I’m way too drunk and I think I just pooped a little

SO ANYWAY
there’s also this dude living in the motel
his name is Nicholas
“Handy” Nicholas
“Handy” as in “Handy-man”
like the handy-men that are in all those pornos
he’s a scholar
A SCHOLAR OF POON, THAT IS
but also a regular scholar
he’s a pretty smart dude

so ONE DAY
while John the carpenter is out buying wood or something
Handy Nicholas just walks right up to Allison
grabs her on the vag
and is like hey baby howsabout you and me conjugate sexwise
if you know what I mean
and Allison is like WAIT NO
I’VE GOT A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING
also I’m not entirely sure what you mean by conjugate sexwise
and Nicholas is like well that’s all well and good
but I notice you have yet to remove my hand from your vagina
and Allison is like truuuuuuuue
then they bang

but halfway through banging Allison is like WAIT
I STILL HAVE A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING
WHAT IF HE FINDS OUT
and Nicholas is like cool it baby
what kind of poon scholar would I be
if I couldn’t outwit some dumbass carpenter?
look I have a plan
and step one of that plan
is for you to stop blueing my balls
and back that ass up
SEXWISE

so when John gets home
he finds that Handsy Nicholas has locked himself in his own room
along with his Titstrolabe and his Poon Sextant
and proceeds to just sit in there
FOR DAYS
gawping at the ceiling
until John finally freaks the fuck out
because shit man
he doesn’t want another dead body in his motel
so he has his house dude bust down the door
and then Nicholas is like JOHN
THANK GOD YOU’VE ARRIVED
I’VE HAD A VISION
A VISION
FROM GODDDDDDD
but listen dude
you can’t tell ANYONE ELSE about this vision
this is a you and me only vision
SO OKAY
VISION TIME
GET READY
alright so you’ve heard about Noah, right?
what if I told you
you were about to star in NOAH 2:
TURBO EDITION
and John is like holy shit YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
and Nicholas is like okay guy
here’s what I need you to do
I need you to go out and buy three feed tubs
like for feed
for animals
and I want you to hang them from your ceiling by ropes
and I want you to stuff them full of delicious food
and then you and me and your wife will lie in the feed tubs
and you have to lie as far away from your wife as possible
because god doesn’t want your dick anywhere near her puddinglicious ass
during the storm, I mean
you can thwap all over that shit later
MAYBE
but anyway yeah
then get an axe so you can cut all the ropes when I give the signal
and we will all drop into the water
and float away to safety
and everyone else will DROWN and DIE
and then we’ll all be floating on top of the water
and I’ll be like HEY JOHN IT’S GREAT TO BE ALIVE, HUH?
and you’ll be like HEY NICHOLAS
I CAN TOTALLY SEE YOUR FACE BECAUSE IT IS DAY TIME AND THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF
sound good?
and the Carpenter is like THAT SOUNDS GREAT AND ALSO TOTALLY BELIEVABLE
carpenters: SOOOOO DUMB AM I RIGHT

so John goes around and sets up all this dumb stuff that is super dumb
and then that night he and his wife and Nicholas all climb into the tubs
like GOODNIGHT GUYS
LET’S ALL PRAY BECAUSE THIS IS A REAL THING THAT IS HAPPENING
and then while John is praying
Allison and Nicholas climb out of the tubs
sneak inside
and FUUUUUUUUUCK

but guys
guys
this is where it gets REALLY GREAT
cause there’s this other scholar dude
his name is Absalon
and this asshole thinks he’s SO DAMN PRETTY
you know the type
he’s the guy with the van halen hair
and he plays guitar
and every time a religious holiday rolls around
he is the dude carrying the censer
which is a big mace full of incense
that he uses to go into hot chick’s houses
and bathe them with sweet-smelling smoke
seriously
this guy had to join the church to come up with an excuse to fondle women
how fucked up is that?
also
he is CONSTANTLY going into bars
and playing his fucking guitar to try and get with the waitresses
and despite that
he’s a real squeamish dude
who is TERRIFIED of farts
man I bet THAT won’t come into play at all right?

but so obviously Absalon is hot on Allison
and when he hears a rumor circulating around town
that no one has seen John all day
(cause john is in his shed building his dumbass contraption)
and he’s like SWEET
NOW’S MY CHANCE
so he waits til like 5AM
and he goes over to Allison’s window
and he starts serenading the FUCK out of that window
and Allison goes over to the window like FUCK BALLS WHAT DO YOU WANT
and Absalon is like I WANT YOUR BODY ALL OVER MY BODY
and Allison is like EW NO
I DON’T WANT YOUR VAN-HALEN-LOOKIN’ ASS ANYWHERE NEAR MY ASS
HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN MY ASS
PEOPLE HAVE OFFERED TO PAY ME MONEY
TO EAT PUDDING OFF OF IT
PUDDING, OK
and Absalon is like OKAY FINE
WELL CAN I AT LEAST GET A KISS?
and Allison is like WILL YOU GO THE FUCK HOME?
and Absalon is like OK SURE
so he busts out a ladder he brought specifically for this purpose
and he climbs up to the window
and it’s really dark, you gotta understand
so he gets up there and he puckers his lips
and Allison proceeds to stick her ASS out the window
and Absalon starts making out with her pungent hole
and then he’s like hey wait a second
women don’t have … beards
AW SHIT
and Allison is like TEE HEE
and then slams the window in his face
and goes back to banging Nicholas

so now Absalon is FURIOUS
like, real furious
this is dangerous
this is a dangerous game now
he’s ready to KILL someone
or at least seriously maim them
cause see what he does
is he goes over to this blacksmith’s place, right
and the blacksmith is like yo Absalon
what’s your van-halen-lookin’ ass doing in here at 5 o’clock in the damn morning?
and Absalon is like NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
LET ME BORROW YOUR RED HOT IRON REAL QUICK
and then he just grabs that shit and runs out of the store
and he goes back to Allison’s window
and he’s like HEY
HEY
OPEN THE FUCK UP
I BROUGHT YOU MY GRANDMA’S RING
I WILL TRADE IT WITH YOUR TAWDRY SELF IN EXCHANGE FOR MORE KISSES
and this time it’s Nicholas who hears him
cause see he just got up to take a piss
so he makes his voice all high and he goes like COMING, HONEY
and he goes over to the window
and he sticks his narrow scholar ass out the window
and Absolon climbs all the way up there
and Nicholas rips the NASTIEST FUCKING FART
like BLURRRTTTTTTTTTTTTT
and Absolon is almost blown off the damn ladder
[THIS IS LITERATURE GUYS. THIS IS FUCKING LITERATURE]
but he’s got his red hot iron ready this time
and he just jabs Handsy Nick right in his flapping asshole
and Nick’s taint catches on fire
and he runs into the house like WATER
WATER
HOLY SHIT
WATER
and John
who is still in the shed waiting for judgement day
hears Nick yelling and is like WATER?
HOLY SHIT THE FLOOD HAS COME
and he takes the axe
and severs the ropes
and plummets to the floor and breaks his arm
and the whole town shows up
and Nicholas is like hey guys
look at dumbass John the Carpenter
he thought there was going to be some kind of biblical flood
he was trying to make me and his wife go along with it
but luckily we were too busy banging or WHO KNOWS WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED
and everyone makes fun of john forever
although I think he still stays married to Allison
so I don’t know what Nicholas got out of this whole thing
other than a scorched asshole

but uh, okay
so the moral of the story?
well the moral of the story is that hot chicks make terrible wives
and scholars make terrible friends
so maybe you’re better off just being gay
because at least then it’s not a TOTAL loss
if you find yourself making out with some dude’s asshole at 5:00 in the morning

Okay so there’s some dudes rightthey’re in england and they hate it and I don’t blame themEngland suckshappy america day assholesSo then they leave in some boatsand they go hit up amsterdam because they hear that is where they grow the good weedbut then their kids start to do really terrible shitlike learn dutchand maybe not be super christian all the time?and no amount of good weed is worth thatso they get on some MORE boatscalled the Mayflower and the Speedwelland they sail to AMERICAexcept apparently some smartass decided to name the speedwell ironicallyand it is actually a slow as shit loserbargeand it has to go home early and miss the america partyexcept it turns out that the america party is actually a really shitty partybecause step one of the party is wait on a boat for FUCKING EVERgetting hungry and perpetually seasickbut at least someone has the good sense to poop out a babywhich they name OCEANUSwhich is OBJECTIVELY RADbut that is just about the only objectively rad thing in this whole storybecause when they show up in America it is ULTRA WINTERlike if winter were to take steroids and then craft for itself a robot ice suitand team up with mister freeze to spew catchphrases and ice beams all over this damn countryand see they were kind of hoping to find some likegood wholesome christian white folksin gated communities with supermarkets and bowling alleysand instead they get SKULLFUCK RUTHLESS WINTERALL DAYALL THE TIMEALSO ALL NIGHTand a ton of people diebecause that’s what winter is all about

but some people survive the winterincluding BRAVE CAPTAIN MILES STANDISHand he goes out and finds him some Indiansbecause remembereveryone still thinks they’re in india I guess?and one of the indians is I guess named Squantoand that indian teaches all the white dudes to plant CORN and BARLEYand the white dudes are like THANK YOU KIND INDIANWE WILL DEFINITELY REMEMBER THIS SOLID YOU HAVE DONE USAND PAY YOU BACK IN KIND FOREVER AND EVERand then later all the crops sproutand the white dudes go into the forest and shoot like A THOUSAND turkeysalso some deersand then they cut them all open and invite EVERYBODYand all the indians show up and bring crazy foreign shit to eatand everyone is so super jazzed about all this foodthat they do not stop partying for THREE DAYSand there are NINETY DUDESand HOLY CRAP THAT IS A PARTYand then the party is over and the white dudes are like okay guys that was greatbut we’re totally killing you now you knowfor your landand the indians are like haha joke’s on youyou can’t kill us if we DIE OF SMALLPOX FIRSTand then everyone decides to relive this momentous occasion yearlyon an arbitrary thursdayby producing more food than they can possibly consumeand then goading each other into eating italso: Families!

so the moral of the storyis next time you wanna have a partybut you are worried that you do not have a good enough reasonmaybe justhave a partyseriouslyyour reasoning can’t be any worse than these pilgrim dudes

this story has one of themalso one antalso more antsit is calledTHE STORY OF THE GRASSHOPPER AND THE ANT(s)(haha i almost typed “asshopper and the grant”hehe butts)

so anyway, this grasshopperhe’s hopping the fuck out of some grassbut other than that he’s pretty much being worthlessjust hangin’ around with his little grasshopper dick in his handsdoin’ nothingand meanwhilehere comes this antlugging a WHOLE ENTIRE EAR OF CORNwhich is a lot of corn for such a tiny antand the grasshopper is like hey antwhere are you going with all that cornit looks heavyhow about instead of that you come have a party with mewe can get fucked up and watch this grass growI have been hopping all over it all day and let me tell you my friendthis is some primo grass we got going onand the ant is like dudeI ain’t got time for that shitI am hauling this corn back to antsvillewhere we will store it for winterso that we can distill it into ant-ethanolto power our ant carsalso for foodand the grasshopper is like BOOOOOOOO-RINNNNNGGGGGGdude that is so boring I think i just had a snoregasmHEYOOOOOand then he goes to the liquor store and buys like nine 4locosand wakes up with his face halfway through a hooker and it’s winter nowand he’s like HOLY SHITIT’S WINTERWHERE AM I GOING TO GET FOODOH I KNOWI’LL GO ASK MY BUDDY THE ANTbut when he gets to antsville all the ants just roll up the windows of their ant cars as they drive byand shake their smug little ant headsand then the grasshopper dies and trees eat his frozen corpse

So the moral of the storyis it may seem like a good idea to make industrious friendsso you can mooch off them laterbut actually it is probably better to just make friends who are as lazy as youbecause then when winter comesmaybe they will die first and you can eat them

Scimitar Fawkes brings you this little gemstraight out of AZTECLANDwhich is not a real place anymorebecause it got blown up by progressprogress and diseasesbut anyway yeah it’s about where the world comes from

so I know what you’re thinkingBUT OVID WE ALREADY HEARD THE AZTEC CREATION MYTH LIKE A MILLION YEARS AGOfirst of allnone of you were alive a million years ago second of allthat was the MAYAN creation myth so shut upand third of allthis is basically like the PREQUEL to that creation mythso it’s like the creation mythOF THE CREATION MYTHOOHHHHH SHITTTTT

so basically there’s this raging bisexual god called Ometecuhtli/Omecihuatlwhich i am looking forward to never typing again ever in my whole lifeand what he/she doesis fuck the shit out of him/herselfand have four godbabiesone for each of the cardinal directionsTheir names are really long and full of consonantsas you might expectso the only one I’m gonna bother to name is TezcatlipocaLORD OF THE NIGHT SKYbecause (SPOILER ALERT) he gets dismembered laterBut so the gods get created and they immediately start doing the one thing gods are good atwhich is creating thingsbut see here’s the problem:one of the things they create is a limitless world crocodile called Cipactliwith mouths at every single joint of its motherfucking bodyand this is basically the worst possible thing to have aroundwhen you are trying to create other thingsespecially when you haven’t actually made a place to put any of the stuff you madeso it all just falls into the oceanwhere it is immediately devoured by A MILLION ANGRY CROCODILE MOUTHSand I meanI think we can all agree that this is pretty sweetbut like most totally sweet thingsit is also EXTREMELY INEFFICIENTso finally all the gods are just like fuck thiswe’re tearing this motherfucker UPand luckily they are all already situated at the cardinal directionsso they each just grab a corner of this gatorbeast and START PULLIN’but guysI think you may recallthat this gatorbeast is MADE OF MOUTHSand Tezcatlipoca’s foot ends up inside of one of thoseand then it gets eatenand Tezcatlipoca is like ow fuckbut it’s okay because then they rip that gator to shredsand turn it into the worldyepturns out the world is made up of balled up hateful crocodile mouthswhich makes sense you seebecause according to this myththat is why the earth CONSTANTLY HUNGERS FOR BLOOD AND HEARTSI didn’t know that was a thing the earth didbut now that I know about the whole crocodile thingI guess I can’t see it any other way

so then after that comes the part we already heard aboutwith the numerous worlds getting blown up and shitand then after that a lot of other stuff happenslike dudes show up with fire and corn and other nonsenseand then finally they get bored and they make the sunwhich is yet another huge mass of dangerous stuffand it is so dangerousthat the only way to jump-start itis for all the gods to MURDER THEMSELVES AND THROW THEIR BODIES INTO ITso yeahall the gods are deadthey got eaten by a pissed off sunand guess what else, guysit looks like the sun ALSO hungers insatiably for blood and heartsso uhI hope you guys brought blood and hearts?

so the moral of the storyis if your whole world is made of furious crocodiles and the sun is a vampiremaybe you need a new religion

Yes guys it is after midnightbut guess whatI party HARDso it’s still thursday in Ovidlandwelcome to my world bitchesit is only slightly different from the world you are used to

anyway I owe today’s myth to the deft suggestion of swashbucking demolitions expertCARLOS Q EXPLOSIONS(the Q is for QUEXPLOSIONS)it is about proper hair care

So Bluebeard right?

Turns out this dude is not a pirate at allhe’s just a really ugly dudewho thinks he’s punk rock just cause he put some dye in his beardwhat’s morethis guy SUCKS at being marriedhe’s gone through seven wives like rolls of 1-ply toilet paperby which i mean they all diedfor no reason anyone can fathomsmallpox or hockey lung or the kissing virus or somethingand now he’s coming up on number 8but see here’s the problem:he’s real uglywe already covered thisbut bluebeard has developed a foolproof strategy for picking up chicksit is called being wealthyso what he does is he just picks some chicks he’s intoand invites them to a crazy week-long coke party at his beach houseand at the end of that week he can just marry whoever the fuck he wants

SO HE DOEShe marries this one chickand her sister gets to come live in the palace tooit’s awesomeand what makes it even more awesomeis after like a week of honeymooningbluebeard is just like hey baby I’m going out of town for a while on businesshere are all the keys to every room in my housealso my money vault and my gold hovercrafthave a partyhave a thousand partiesbut WHATEVER YOU DOdon’t use this key right heresee the one I’m pointing at?this onethis one right heredon’t use it to unlock the closet on the second floor in the ballroomthe one with the do not open sign and the picture of the angry skull and crossbonesgot it?greatso I’m just going to leave all those keys with you now and nothing bad will happen at alltoodles

so he leavesand his wife indeed throws all the partiesshe is chucking shindigs harder than a coke-addicted discus throwershe is hurling hootenanies out of the goddamn windows so hard they shatterand the razor sharp soiree shards cause the guests countless lacerationsbut it’s okaybecause they are pretty much just bleeding pure alcohol at that point anywaybut the whole time that these parties are going downthis chick can’t stop thinking about that fucking shitty doorand finally she’s just like ok whateverI’m pretty fucked up right now and I can’t be held responsible for what i doand I meanhe GAVE me the fucking keywhat the hell did he think was going to happenso she opens up the door and goes inside and OH FUCK WHAT IS THISi’ll tell you what it isit is all of bluebeard’s DEAD EX-WIVESHE MURDERED THEM AND PUT THEM IN A CLOSETAND KEPT THEM THERE FOR YEARS PROBABLYTHEY MUST BE GETTING PRETTY RIPE BY NOWNOT THAT IT MATTERSBECAUSE REALLY THE MAIN PROBLEM IS JUST THAT HE HAS A CLOSET FULL OF MURDERI DON’T CARE HOW MINTY FRESH YOUR MURDERCLOSET SMELLSIT IS STILL A GODDAMN MURDERCLOSETTHESE ARE WORDS TO LIVE BY

so obviously this chick just flips the fuck outand in true horror movie fashionshe proceeds to drop the whole ring of keys and get it all covered in bloodand then she picks it up and GUESS WHATIT TURNS OUT THE KEY TO THIS ROOM WAS ENCHANTEDSO THAT BLOOD WILL NEVER WASH OUT OF ITand let me just saythat that is a TERRIBLE enchantment to put on the key to your bloodroombut in this case it turns out to be pretty shrewdbecause when Bluebeard gets home like a day laterhe’s like WOMANWHY IS THERE BLOOD ON MY KEYDID YOU GO INTO THE BLOOD ROOMI TOLD YOU NOT TO GO INTO THE BLOOD ROOMNOW I HAVE TO PUT YOU IN THE BLOOD ROOM AGAINONLY THIS TIMEWITH MORE BLOODand she’s like no waityou can totally kill me for realbut just give me like 10 minutes of not dyingtrust me it totally won’t backfire at alland Bluebeard is like well alright(PS I just mistyped Bluebeard as Bluebear and I think it is much better that way)

so she runs upstairs and finds her sisterand she’s like hey sisteryo sisterand her sister is like yeah?and she’s like look out the window for me real quicktell me if our bros are comingI totally sent them an email yesterday about how my husband is gonna kill mebut I didn’t get a response so I dunno what’s upand her sister is like nopeall I see is some grassand some dustand some OH WAITno, sorry, just some sheepand then instead of coming up with some other plan for not dyingthe lazy twank just keeps sitting there asking her sister about the windowuntil finally bluebeard is like ALRIGHT HONEYTIME TO DIEand she’s like NO NO GIMME LIKE 5 MORE SECONDSand Bluebeard is like LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING WOMANMURDER DOES NOT HAVE A SNOOZE ALARMand he’s totally about to stab her face offwhen all of a sudden her two radical bros bust down the doorthey are a dragoon and like a space wizard or somethingand they kill the hell out of bluebeardand then his wife inherits all his stuff and uses it to buy a diamond horseand also a husband for her sister and some sweet new wizard boots for her brosso everyone is happy except for bluebeardwho is deadbut honestly I don’t think that dude was ever happy

So the moral of the storyis that marrying dangerous psychopathsis a great way to get rich quick

no myth today guysI am sorry I am so sorryif you could see me you would see that I am throwing myself against my hardwood floorrending my breast and smearing my face with ashmy excuse is that last night I played a game of my own inventioncalled let’s see how long I can not sleep so I can finish this short story for classthe good news is I won the gamebut that is not the only good news my friendsno no no

see recently I have been laughing my fucking ass offbecause all these people have been being like DUDE YOU SHOULD WRITE A BOOKI WOULD TOTALLY BUY THAT BOOKand the whole time people have been yelling that at meI have totally been negotiating a book deal with the ladies and dudes over at Perigee Booksand right now I am holding the contract in my handswell I mean not right now right now because I need my hands to typebut the contract is definitely nearbysometimes I look at it and I lick my lips

so here’s how this is gonna go downthis book is gonna have approximately 75-80 of the choicest myths from this website,digitaly remastered with my veteran typing fingers plus like 25-30 brand new never before seen ultramythsand also bonus contentin the form of a sweet funky indexRetellings of Joseph Campbell’s “Hero with a Thousand Faces” and The Big Bangand optimally rad illustrations by artiste extraordinaire Sarah Melvillewho is the classy lady who is responsible for anything on this website that doesn’t look like utter shit

but one more thingand I guess this kind of qualifies as bad newscause see in order to have time to make this book and still do grad school and shitI am going to be TEMPORARILY going from 3 updates a week down to 2instead of being Tuesday Thursday Saturday like normalit is going to be just Tuesday/Thursday(this week it will be thursday saturday though because I wussed out today)I am very very tired and I need a little bit of a breakat least as much of a break as a guy can take while writing a book and going to grad schoolbut I assure you, ladies and gentlementhis new wussified schedule will NOT LAST BEYOND APRIL 2012which is when the manuscript is dueand maybe less time than that depending on my progress on the bookanyway yeah that’s what’s upI figured i should give you guys a heads upso that you could reschedule your entire lives around my new update scheduleso uhget on that

PS you guys are pretty much the best evergetting emails from you and reading comments and all thatand really just knowing that this wacky bullshit I spew is getting readis responsible for like 80% of my daily value of sunshine and unicorn smilesso basically thank you for putting up with methere will be more boners and swears on Thursday I promise

Today’s mythgoes out to the much-maligned sisterof notorious serial killer Kratos “The March Mangler” Octoberapparently said sister is having a birthdayand likes fucked up shitso here is a story about the pharmaceutical industry

so this story is about a lumberjackhis name is cuoiwhich is not a super badass name for a lumberjackbut we will let it slidebecause the first thing that happens in this storyis Cuoi is wandering through the woodsand he kills FOUR LIONSFOURTHIS IS THE KIND OF BEHAVIOR YOU COME TO EXPECT FROM LUMBERJACKSoh shit wait they’re actually just cubsNEVERMINDway to go pusspants mcgeeway to kill babies with an axe

but Cuoi gets his comeuppance for this dickerybecause suddenly HERE COMES MOMMA LIONlike ROARR FUCK YOUand Cuoi runs his ass up a tree and hidesso momma lion gets bored and kind of pokes her childrens’ corpses a little bitdoesn’t seem too upsetand then goes over to some weird bushchews it upand vomits it into all her kids’ mouthsAND THEY PROCEED TO COME BACK TO LIFE

so Cuoi is up in his tree like SWEET WIGGITY WIZARDSTHAT MUST BE THE HERBAL TREE OF LIFE RESTORATION HEALING TREEI’M RICHand he waits for the momma lion to leave with her zombie kidsand then he jumps down and digs up the tree

but on his way home he trips over some dude’s dead bodyand he’s like oh snapwhat a perfect opportunity to use this tree I stoleso he chews up some leaves and vomits them into the old guy’s mouthand then the old guy wakes up like SHIT YESSSSSI HAD NOT LIVED NEEDLESSLY LONG ENOUGHTHANK YOU SIR YOU ARE PRETTY COOLOH WHAT IS THIS IS IT THE HERBAL TREE OF LIFE HERBS RESTORATIVE LIFE LIFE HEALING?DUDE YOU ARE A PRETTY LUCKY GUYJUST MAKE SURE NOT TO WATER IT WITH DIRTY WATEROR IT WILL BLAST OFF INTO SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACEand Cuoi is like okay crazy old dudethat sounds just about as reasonable as everything else

so Cuoi gets homeplants his treewaters it with crystal clear spring waterand becomes INSTANTLY FAMOUSi mean he is a dude who owns a tree that is basically a big leafy wangdangling in the face of deathrepeatedly slapping death’s nose and then jiggling a littleword is bound to get aroundand things are going pretty well for Cuoihe resurrects a dogand boomfree doghe resurrects a chickand boomfree wifeCuoi’s circle of friends is limited only by the number of bodies he can dig up at the local mortuary

but then shit turns sourand not in the way you are probably thinkingno, the world does not become overrun with old dudes who refuse to dielike in that Kurt Vonnegut storywhere they all live in these tiny apartment complexes and I think eat each otherNo instead what happensis it turns out that that free wife Cuoi got hooked up withactually already had a whole buttload of wealthy suitorsand they are a little miffed that Cuoi has suddenly stolen their prized bootyso what they do is they wait til Cuoi is out in the woodsand they all ambush his wife like HEY GURL WE GOT RICHES BUT WE ARE LACKING BITCHESPERHAPS YOU COULD RECTIFY THIS DEFECITand Cuoi’s wife is like ew no guysgo awayso they kill herOBVIOUSLYTHAT IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN PEOPLE DON’T WANNA MARRY YOUthis kind of begs the questionin a world where anyone who dies can be immediately revived with tree shitdoes murder suddenly become less of a thing?is it the kind of thing where likesomebody beats you at chessor gives you incorrect change at 7-11and suddenly it is blood city and you are the mayoryesI think that is exactly what it’s like

but so anyway these dudes get done killing this chick and they’re like oh shitwe just killed the wife of the guy who can RESURRECT PEOPLEwe have effectively accomplished NOTHING AT ALLbut waitwhat if we just sort ofsprinkle her intestines everywheremake a scavenger hunt out of her internal organsno way can she get revived without all those thingsULTIMATE SUCCESS

so these jerks leave the wife’s disembowelled body by the riverand they all go homeand then Cuoi shows up like oh hey my wife’s deadguess I better just revive WHERE THE FUCK ARE HER ORGANSDAMMIT WOMAN WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT KEEPING YOUR ORGANS INSIDE YOUR BODYTHIS IS A DISASTERbut actually it’s okaybecause his dog is like hey Cuoi you should totally disembowel meand use my crazy dog organs to revive your wifeexcept dogs can’t talkso really what the dog said was WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOFand Cuoi was like KILL YOU AND USE YOUR ORGANS YOU SAY? DON’T MIND IF I DOand then he cuts open his dog and stuffs its lungs inside his dead wife

so then his wife comes back to lifeapparently the tree cannot tell the difference between dog lungs and human lungsand then Cuoi feels bad about the whole dog thingso he makes some replacement dog lungs out of clayand stuffs them in his dogand APPARENTLY THAT WORKSso now Cuoi is surrounded by a shambling charnel-house that vaguely resembles his loved onesand he’s like SWEETPROBLEM SOLVED FOREVER

except noproblem not solved at allbecause it turns out that a chest full of dog lungsmakes you terminally unable to follow directionscase in point:Cuoi keeps telling his wife that if she needs to take a pissshe should do it on the west side of the houseas far away from the magic tree as possiblethe magic tree that is not supposed to be watered with dirty waterand which has resurrected this woman not once but TWO FUCKING TIMESand what does she do?she goes over to the east side of the housepops a suatand PISSES DIRECTLY ON THE HERBAL TREE OF TREE HERBS HEALTH HEALING RESURRECTION HERB

so Cuoi is inside the housedoing whatever it is lumberjacks do when they’re not jacking lumberand suddenly there’s this HUGE EARTHQUAKEand he runs outside to find ALL HIS PLANTS BLASTING OFF INTO SPACEand his wife is standing with her pants around her ankles looking FURIOUSand Cuoi is like WOMAN I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOUR FURY I HAVE A TREE TO CATCHand he runs up to the treewhich is just now exploding out of the gardenand he hooks his axe to itand just flies STRAIGHT TO THE GODDAMN MOONand I guess he’s still thereyou can see him if you squintand apparently one leaf falls off that tree towards earth every yearbut it always either gets burned up in the atmosphere or stolen by dolphinsbecause I sure as shit haven’t seen any immortality leaves around lately

so the moral of the storyis don’t put a dog in your wifeor you wife will put you in the dog househa HA

back in india land back in the daythere was this bigass demon called Mahishhe is a buffalo demonwhich is apparently a pretty potent kind of demonbecause he is invincibleand he has an army of like a million other demonsI had no ideaalthough I guess that explains why buffalo wings are SO GODDAMN delicious

but so all the gods are pretty upset about thisbecause you gotta understand guysdemons are to the hindu godsas giants are to the norse they simply cannot abide all these demons up in hereit is like how you feel when you have ants in your houseexcept the ants are as big as you and they shoot fire out of their eyesit is actually pretty easy to sympathize with these hindu gods

but so like I said Mahish is impossible to killso the gods are like oh shit what do we doand then Shiva is like whoa whoa whoa i have a great ideahow about we all put our heads together and beat this thingand the other gods are like that’s what we’re doing alreadyand shiva is like no dudelike actually put our heads togetherlike cut our heads off and fucking glue them to each othermake a big boomerang out of headsand just throw it at him and we can yell insults at the same timeand everyone is like okaywhile that sounds like a great ideamaybe we should try to use parts of our bodies other than our headsso what they dois they take six of Vishnu’s armsglue them to two of Brahma’s feetand staple that octo-nonsense to SHIVA’S FACEand the resulting Megazord of Ultimate Badasseryis named Durgawhich meansINVINCIBLE

so durga floats on down from spaceor wherever it is that gods livelet’s call it spaceand she lands right in front of Bison Oshaugnessyand his army of demon hipster chicksand she’s like hey Bisonwhat’s goodyou should take stock now of what is goodbecause soonnothing will be goodnothing at alland the Bison is like OH YEAH?BITCH I AM INVINCIBLEHAVEN’T YOU HEARDI AM SO INVINCIBLETHAT I WENT TO A COMEDY CLUBTALKED FOR THIRTY MINUTES ABOUT MY CATAND I COULDN’T EVEN DIE ON STAGEand durga is like uhyou keep tootin’ your demon horn over there bison buddyI’m gonna go grab a glass of milk and you can call me when you’re doneoh are you done?okay well uhBITCH YOU CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO ACTIVATE THE NEURONS NECESSARY TO COMMUNICATE TO YOUR LEG-MUSCLESTHAT THEY MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDERTHE PREPARATORY STAGESOF ATTEMPTING TO STEP TO MEOH LOOK AT YOU ALL INVINCIBLE AND SHITSON WHILE YOU WERE BUSY APPENDING INVINCIBILITY TO YOURSELF AS A FUCKING ADJECTIVEI WENT AHEAD AND MADE IT A PROPER NOUNAND THEN USED IT AS MY GOD DAMN NAMEWHAT NOWCOME ONWHATand Mahish doesn’t say shitbecause just looking at all of durga’s arms gave him an aneurism and he died

so the moral of the storyis that two heads are better than oneespecially when those two heads are welded to a whole bunch of pissed-off arms

Now I know what you are thinking guysand norapehazard is not the name of my new sludgecore speed metal bandit is the name of this postbecause this post is about a rape hazard

okay so there’s this dude Aesacushe’s kind of a hermit sort ofexcept his beard is not long enoughhe is pretty young and his mom is a nymphand also he is bros with Hector from the Iliadso he is not really very much like a hermit at allmore like a feral fairy forest dudewho hangs out in the forest all the time gettin’ his lonely on

but apparently this particular forest is a pretty hip spotbecause lately Aesacus has been catching glimpses of this MECHA HOT-CHICKnamed HesperiaI thought this myth was going to have something to do with the golden apples of the Hesperidesbut boy what I wrongand if you thought thatyou were also wrongwhat did you think you were specialdid you think you got to just believe wrong things and have them not be wrong things?just because it was you who believed themand you live in some kind of magic fairy bullshit castlewhere you can tell no lies and the prince shits candy rainbows from his truth pony?think again assholeor maybe actually don’t think againyou might think more wrong things

ANYWAYAesacus catches perhaps one too many glimpses of Hesperia gettin’ all batheywhich causes him to morph into TURBO RAPE BATTLE ACTION AESACUSWITH EXTENDING PENISand he comes charging out of the underbrush like SEXXXXX PLEEEEEEASEEEEEEand Hesperia is like aw hell noand starts runningand Aesacus starts chasingand she’s running and he’s chasing and then OWBAMWHAT THE FUCKSNAKESand then Hesperia diesand Aesacus is like oh noooooI am not kinky enough for necrophiliathe only way to salvage this is if I die toocause it’s not necrophilia if you’re both deadso rather than finding another snake he jumps off the nearest cliffbut then on his way down one of them pesky sea nymphs named Tethysis like aw hell no that’s nastyand she turns him into a seagull insteadand Aesacus is like FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKand spends the rest of forever dive-bombing the oceantrying as hard as he can to drown himselfso that’s why seagulls are dumb in that particular way

so the moral of the storyis when it comes to forest sexalways bring protectionand also antivenom

Listen guys
I know the myths I have been posting lately have kind of sucked pretty bad
but the good news is I will have more time to post sucky myths
now that I got fired from my shitty restaurant job
so here’s a myth about another guy who is bad at his job

so there’s this guy right?
a boy, actually
and his job is to watch a whole bunch of sheep all day
and make sure they don’t catch fire or run away
it is a boring job because sheep are boring
like, just being a sheep would be boring
so imagine how boring it would be to WATCH sheep
you don’t even get to be fluffy
so obviously this boy is pretty fed up with this shit
I mean he’s afraid to even count these fuckers in case it causes him to fall asleep
so instead what he decides to do
is start screaming real loud
like HOLY SHIT GUYS
THERE’S A WOLF UP HERE RIGHT NOW
HE’S MURDERING THE SHEEP COME QUICK COME QUICK
and all the village people come running up the hill
like YOUNG MAN
TELL US WHERE IS THE WOLF
and the boy is like HAHA I FOOLED YOU GUYS
MAN, WATCHING YOU ASSHOLES RUN UP THE HILL HAS BEEN THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY
LOOK AT YOU
YOU LOOK SO STUPID IN YOUR HARDHATS AND POLICE UNIFORMS
and the village people are like YOUNG MAN
WE ARE GOING BACK HOME

so the boy sits up on his hill
and he gets bored again pretty quick
so ten minutes later he starts screaming GUYS GUYS GUYS
THE WOLF IS HERE FOR REAL THIS TIME
HE HAS LIKE
AN UZI AND SHIT
IT IS CHAOS UP HERE I NEED BACKUP
and the village people come marching up the hill like YOUNG MAN
IS THE WOLF EVEN HERE?
and the boy’s like NO MAN
GOD YOU GUYS LOOK SO QUEER
and the village people are like YOUNG MAN
FUCK YOU
and they leave

and then ten minutes later a REAL WOLF shows up
mauling the boring right off of these sheep
and the boy is like SAVE ME VILLAGE PEOPLE
but the village people have had enough of this lad’s bullshit
so they don’t even bother to show up until like next morning
when all the sheep are dead
and the kid is like WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU COME UP HERE LAST NIGHT?
and the village people are like WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL EMPLOYED AS A SHEPHERD?
good questions all around
then everyone starves in the winter because no sheep

so the moral of the story
is don’t ever have fun at your job
or everyone will die