They’re just three simple words, yet they can be so hard to say, and so very powerful. These words, if said properly, can be the first step in making amends, correcting wrongdoings, and gaining back trust. Whether it’s a spouse who cheated on his or her significant other, a business leader who let people down through indiscretions, or a leader who abused his position of power, we’ve seen time and time again the power of an apology.

As a psychotherapist and executive coach, I help clients who get into trouble – whether with their spouse or the public. There’s a right way to issue an apology, and of course, a wrong way. There are certain elements that should be part of a mea culpa, and there are things that should not be said.

In case either of them decide to apologize, here’s how to do it the right way:

1. Own it

Verbalize what you did wrong and do it in-person. This shows some level of culpability and awareness.

2. Don’t make excuses

Don’t try to explain away why you said or did something wrong. If you cheated, don’t say, “I was drunk and that’s why it happened.” Instead, be direct and say what happened.

3. Keep it simple

Celebrities and public figures so often say too much and end up getting into more trouble. Donald Sterling, the former owner of the Los Angeles Clippers, did this during his sit down interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper. Their rant is usually an attempt to rationalize the behavior and that isn’t what the public needs at the moment. Celebrity or not, obfuscating your words will dilute your intended message.

4. Be specific

Clearly identify what it is you are apologizing for. Saying, “I am sorry for making the comment about you being messy” is clear and direct. This goes much further than saying, “I’m sorry that you were upset”.

5. Make it heartfelt

Speak from the heart and don’t be afraid to show genuine emotion. This is your first step in repentance. This will go a long way in humanizing you and showing sincerity, both of which are critical in winning back trust and respect.

6. Put yourself in the shoes of the person you hurt

What do you think that person experienced and felt emotionally? Was it hurt? Sadness? Anxiety? Fear? Try to understand what the person or group might be going through and identify it. Be empathetic. For example, “I understand how my comments may have hurt you and made you feel anxious and disrespected”.

7. Ask yourself: What could you have done differently?

Express how you could have handled the situation in a healthier way. So for the spouse who yells at his significant other when upset he might say, “I should have taken a time out and then when I felt calmer expressed my frustrations”.

8. Take action.

Indicate what is next. What actions are you taking to try to improve things? For instance, if you have a tendency to blow up at your spouse, then perhaps therapy that addresses anger and communication is in order.

So next time you’re in a position to apologize, do it the right way even though it might be difficult. The gain far outweighs any anxiety you may have over saying, “I am sorry”.

Jonathan Alpert is a psychotherapist, columnist, performance coach and author in Manhattan.
As a psychotherapist, he has helped countless couples and individuals overcome a wide range of challenges and go on to achieve success. He discussed his results-oriented approach in his 2012 New York Times Opinion piece, “In Therapy Forever? Enough Already”, which continues to be debated and garner international attention.
Alpert is frequently interviewed by major TV, print and digital media outlets and has appeared on the Today Show, CNN, FOX, and Good Morning America discussing current events, mental health, hard news stories, celebrities/politicians, as well as lifestyle and hot-button issues. He appears in the 2010 Oscar-winning documentary, Inside Job commenting on the financial crisis.
With his unique insight into how people think and their motivations, Alpert helps clients develop and strengthen their brands. He has been a spokesperson for NutriBullet, Liberty Mutual insurance, and Enterprise Rent-A-Car.
Jonathan’s 2012 book BE FEARLESS: Change Your Life in 28 Days has been translated into six languages worldwide. Alpert continues to provide advice to the masses through his Inc.com, Huffington Post, and Thrive columns.

@JonathanAlpert

Share your comments below. Please read our commenting guidelines before posting. If you have a concern about a comment, report it here.

When – and Why – Women Apologize Too Much…and How to Stop

Sign up for the Thrive Global newsletter

“People look for retreats for themselves, in the country, by the coast, or in the hills . . . There is nowhere that a person can find a more peaceful and trouble-free retreat than in his own mind. . . . So constantly give yourself this retreat, and renew yourself.”