Using children to pick their parents' pockets since 50,000,000 B.C.

THE TRUTH IS this is the second version of this page, revised to
include
Barney's lawyers. But blaming the attorneys is like blaming the
parasite
for the host. Sometimes parasites can simulate independent action, and
the more short-sighted ones can damage or even kill their host, but the
prime mover in this case is no doubt Barney itself.

WHAT IS THE BARNEY CREATURE? It is not a purple dinosaur. In this
article, the most brilliant thing ever published in the Journal
of Improbable Research (sadly, in their first issue, but life
is
often like that) the biologists Edward Theriot and Earle Sapamer
demonstrate
that it is a primate, to which they assign the name Pretendosaurus
barneyi.
In spite of the zoological (i.e., bad) Latin, the name is apt, because
Barney's public persona is a lie.

"BARNEY IS WHOLESOME" claim the Creature's defenders. Theriot and
Sapamer
note that it is always associated with human children (in fact,
although
they do not point this out, the word "barney" means "island of
children"
in Norse). They speculate that it survives by integrating itself into
this
protected ecological niche. Unfortunately, there is a more sinister
explanation.
Barney's teeth are clearly those of a carnivore (its mother, Sheryl
Leach,
fashioned it after a Tyrranosaurus rex). There is no reason to doubt
the
Creature's professed love for children, but the form that its love
takes
may not be in the children's best interests. Note well that very, very
small and tender children know enough to be scared by Barney.

BARNEY IS SERIOUSLY NOT GOOD FOR KIDS, argue this article and other articles listed here. No surprise;
Barney was created for the convenience of adults, as something
to mesmerize children so that they could be parked in front of the tv.
"You don't understand," the negligent adults whine. "Kids love
Barney."
Sure they do; they love to play in the toilet bowl, too. But for some
reason,
parents find brown poop disgusting, even though they'll snarf up purple
poop. Well, not all parents. One wrote (on the Barney
Fun Page) , "Hi. I am 33 yrs old with 3 daughters. Two years ago,
we
had Barney over for a birthday party. When he left, he almost got hit
by
a car. We all cracked up."

BARNEY IS TO CHILDREN AS OSAMA BIN LADEN IS TO ISLAM. The children
are
an excuse, the innocent means to a perverse end. Barney's true prey is
adults or at least their money. The claim of wholesomeness would be
more
convincing if the Barney Creature were not so relentlessly
pushing an astonishing array of merchandise, and if its creators
were
not so obviously
energetic in their pursuit of money. The Creature's profits have
already
been the subject of the stupidly named "
Barneygate" (summary: PBS subsidizes Barney, partly with taxpayer
money,
while Barney's parents stuff their pockets), but Sheryl Leach's
tender
maternal instincts did not preclude her selling
her offspring to a British law firm. "I love you, you sell me."

MORE! MORE! The Barney Creature is a voracious, bottomless pit. All
who oppose it with ridicule must be destroyed. The Barney Creature's
weapon
of choice is the Legal Absurdity which seems to have been honed to a
dull
edge by a Darwinian process - that is, with no controlling
intelligence
- and the Creature wields it with the finesse of Wile E. Coyote®.
First
the Barney Creature took aim at a chicken, and shot itself twice. The
San
Diego Chicken, in costume, would beat up Barney, also in costume, for
entertainment.
Barney sued, and the fight was metaphorically re-enacted in the
courtoom,
as a federal judge summarily
dismissed the suit. Eager for another beating, Barney
appealed,
and wound up having to pay the chicken's legal costs.

THE BARNEY CREATURE THEN CHANGED TACTICS, figuring that if it
couldn't
beat a single opponent, it might have better luck again a multitude, so
it sent out inane but scary legal
notices against websites, threatening suit for trademark and
copyright
infringement. A legal analysis of these absurdities is here.
These succeeded in scaring enough people that the original
version of this page now reads like a cemetery of dead links. But
people
who stood
up to the Creature were able to face it down easily. Then,
emboldened
by this Pyrrhic vicory, it has started a sending out a new round of
inane
but scary letters, this time threatening to complain to the websites'
Internet
Service Providers. A non-legal analysis can be found here
. The Creature's follow-up letter with a non-legal analysis can be
found here; a legal
analysis
can be found here. The
Creature's
tactic, for perhaps the first time, actually makes sense - the Creature
has been beaten up so badly in court that it has finally learned to try
its case in a non-legal venue, such as an ISP.