The dating detox: How to turn romantic losers into dynamic daters

Giving your dating technique a good overhaul is the brand-new way to tackle relationship problems.

It's the run-up to Christmas, and seemingly everywhere you look there are couples kissing under mistletoe or strolling along hand-in-hand, bundled up in scarves and gloves like the living embodiment of a Disney happy ending.

But if you're single, you're not alone. There are 13million singletons in the UK, and recent research by online dating service Parship shows that 5.6million of them haven't been on a date for the past six months or had a relationship in more than a year.

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For those who are dating, the prospects are not much brighter. Apparently only one in seven dates will lead to another.

So are we a nation of love losers destined to remain single? According to psychiatrist and relationship expert, Dr Victoria Lukats, it's not quite as bleak as that.

She believes many people suffer from a build up of "dating toxins" - essentially, attitudes and behaviours that hold them back and stop them forming successful relationships.

Fortunately, there is help at hand in the form of a new programme she has dubbed the Dating Detox. The treatment is a combination of cognitive behavioural therapy techniques, psychoanalysis and new dating etiquette.

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There's also an option of a match-making service.

Based on her work in the area of relationships, and through extensive research on more than 5,000 single people, Dr Lukats has identified the five main dating toxins as: shyness, low self-esteem, fussiness, lack of opportunity and desperation.

"Through my clinical work I could see the type of issues holding people back from having a relationship," she says.

"I could see the difficulties they were having. I noticed certain patterns and that's how the five main areas came about."

Dr Lukats agrees that while dating toxins such as shyness and low selfesteem have always held people back, what makes The Dating Detox unique is the use of techniques such as cognitive behavioural therapy (where you learn exercises and techniques to help change negative patterns of thinking and behaviour) specifically for dating problems.

"CBT is normally used to treat classic mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder or eating disorders. But this is for people who don't have any mental health issues.

"This treatment is for anyone who wants to try new techniques to help them improve their chances of finding a happy relationship."

With speed-dating, chat rooms and internet dating, actually getting a date is not really the problem.

However, according to Dr Lukats, what we're seeing more of now is people who are stuck in a cycle of going on endless dates but never getting anywhere further.

So, what does a typical Dating Detox involve?

"After an initial in-depth consultation, we work out a few goals," says Dr Lukats.

"I also get all my clients to do a psychometric test which is devised to help establish certain basic traits.

"Depending on what the issues are, I give people cognitive (mind) and behavioural techniques and exercises. For example, I might ask someone to keep a diary and write down their thoughts and how they feel.

"Then I might get them to do certain mental techniques to help them transform negative and destructive thoughts."

She explains that treatment may last anything from ten to 20 one-hour sessions, depending on what the difficulties are.

"In many ways, it's similar to how you'd treat someone with a phobia," she says.

"You encourage the individual to create a picture in their mind of the feared situation and instead of doing what they'd normally do - for instance, a shy person will look at the floor and go home - you encourage them to visualise a situation where they are practising different behaviour.

"So instead of looking at the floor, the shy person would visualise themselves engaging in conversation.

"When working towards your goals, the trick is to break things down into manageable tasks.

"If you are introverted you could start with something easy such as saying good morning to your colleagues, and gradually moving on to harder exercises.

"The next step could be asking for directions in the street, followed by making eye contact on escalators, chatting to someone in the supermarket and ultimately flirting on a night out and asking someone on a date.

"It is important to do the exercises regularly. I explain what needs to be done during the session and then give people homework.

"I make them do each exercise for at least 45 minutes, this seems like a long time but allows for levels to go down.

"I find that people tend to remember how they feel at the end of the exercise rather than the beginning, especially as it is usually a very positive experience.

"Obviously, each individual's treatment is different as it is personalised according to their problem areas."

In terms of the most prevalent 'toxins' Dr Lukats says that low self-esteem, desperation and lack of opportunity are common in both men and women.

"There may be lots of different reasons why someone has low self-esteem. It could be something that goes back to their childhood.

"Or perhaps they've experienced some traumatic event such as losing a job or a partner who has been unfaithful, and this has knocked their confidence. So, we will look at the underlying causes.

"In others, you can almost smell the desperation. That can be terribly unattractive.

"They get too intimate, or talk about inappropriate things too quickly - such as how much they want to get married or have children, or why their ex left them. So we work on that.

"Lack of opportunity also affects people equally, so we look at that in more detail. Why are they so busy? What changes can be made? How do they see themselves in five years' time, and so on."

Interestingly, it seems that shyness is more of a problem for men.

"I see a lot of men who feel anxious about talking to women," says Dr Lukats.

"They might be fine with female friends, they just find it difficult to start conversations with women they don't know.

"But a lot of that could be down to social expectations. Men are generally still expected to make the first move and to pursue a woman. This can make them feel more pressured."

On the other hand, women tend to be more fussy.

"Fussiness can be quite tricky as people who are fussy don't always recognise that they are," says Dr Lukats.

"For example, a woman might say that she doesn't mind as long as a man has a decent job, is OK-looking and funny.

"But when I ask specific questions and mention height, where they live and other details, it soon becomes obvious that someone may have a subconscious check-list.

"I'm not saying people shouldn't be discriminating. I just encourage people to challenge their checklist. Or at least consider what the consequences of certain preconceptions might be."

Experts are split on just how effective this sort of programme can be.

"Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has been shown to be effective for a range of disorders," says Professor Stephen Palmer, chartered health psychologist at City University.

"So this treatment could be useful for some people."

Also, by calling this treatment Dating Detox, Dr Lukats is making CBT more acceptable to some people.

"For example, if someone has a mild problem with shyness which they feel is stopping them from dating, they might not go to their GP about it," she says.

"What's more, although CBT is available on the NHS, you would need to present your doctor with something more serious such as depression or OCD to be eligible.

"So this is another option for people without any mental health problems who feel they could benefit from CBT."

However, Dr Petra Boynton, psychologist and sex researcher at University College London, takes a very different view.

"The problem with this approach is that it takes normal difficulties, which many people encounter, and transforms them into a medical problem - a dating 'toxin' that needs to be cured.

"Clearly, if people are distressed about their dating situation, they are right to seek help.

"For example, you could get help from books, assertiveness or confidence courses, or through counselling for which your GP could refer you.

"All of these are free or low-cost. Something like Dating Detox could cost you between £1,000 and £2,000 and I wonder about the ethics of making everyday problems seem like medical issues in order to charge large amounts for a therapy."

However, clients such as Paige Allen, 30, would argue the hefty bill was worth it.

"I split up with someone a year-and-a-half ago. Afterwards, I went on lots of dates but nothing ever seemed to work out.

"I'd get all excited about someone and then they'd never call me and I would get very upset. I saw Dr Lukats a few months ago and did the Dating Detox."

One of Paige's main problems was that she was feeling so desperate to be in a relationship that she wasn't reading certain signals correctly.

"I would deliberately overlook things - for example, if someone didn't call me when they said they would. Or I would initiate contact and they would respond simply to be polite.

"I knew deep down that's all it was, but somehow I would still kid myself this would work out. Then I'd be really upset when it didn't.

"The techniques I've learnt through the Dating Detox have helped me to feel differently. I'm much more relaxed. I have learnt to manage my expectations.

"I don't immediately project into the future; I'm more concerned about focusing on the moment and having a good time.

"And, because I feel less desperate and a lot happier, I don't care so much what people think, or if they call. I just feel so much more in control."

Another person who welcomes this new approach to tackling relationship issues is Peta Heskell, author of Flirt Coach and a relationship expert.

"There are so many more singles around now and they are all looking for remedies for love," she says.

"In the ten years I've been running Flirting Workshops I've learned that issues such as shyness, lack of confidence, chasing the wrong person and desperation are the biggest barriers to people finding the love they want. They also feel inadequate for needing help.

"So every time a new approach comes out, it raises awareness that help is there and that it's okay to get it.

"It's time we made seeing 'love' doctors like myself and Dr Lukats just as acceptable as going to a workshop on how to get rich."

For more information on the Dating Detox, go to www.datingdetox.com. British Association of Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies, www.babcp.org.uk.