Exclusive Santa Column: The Great Barbie Doll Christmas Push!

Chicks dig Barbie dolls, so this Christmas time I’ve really ramped up the focus on Barbie doll production to slake the Barbie doll fervour sweeping the land. These dolls aren’t just for little girls, as tedious tradition would dictate, but for grown women, too – what intelligent woman wouldn’t enjoy staring at a piece of plastic featuring enforced gender stereotypes and cooing like a mindless idiot?

Barbie Dolls

This year, as a consequence of the above, I’ve aimed at manufacturing two billion Barbie dolls (to be on the safe side) in order to match the demand I perceive to be in the air. My elves may have called me delusional and out of touch with what women want (Mel Gibson?), but those cretins don’t know jack shit! I’m Santa! I know this business inside out, not those high-pitched, diminutive freaks of nature!

Mrs. Santa Claus also raised concerns, stating: “Mr. Santa Claus, grown women do not want Barbie dolls. How do I know? Because I am a woman! I’d much rather receive a bouquet of flowers, a peck on the cheek, or a fine bottle of white wine. Please, dear, rethink this business venture.” Batshit crazy lady, I can’t take her and her opinions anywhere.

Production Day

Yesterday evening we began production of the dolls – we started at 6pm and, after 12 solid hours of Barbie production, I’m delighted to report we’ve created 10 million of them! I’ve cornered off 30 of my best functioning machines to pump the dolls through production, with each unit working at full capacity.

The dolls are in a giant container out back. I’m not afraid to state I promptly clambered on top of them all… and wept. You do not know true magnificence until you’ve seen a grown man weeping about 10 million freshly produced Barbie dolls. It was the highlight of my life.

New Ranges

Little girls, and women in general, being intemperate and fickle creatures, aren’t happy with plain old traditional Barbie. No, they want new ranges which embrace diversity and promote open-minded and progressive stuff. I had my R&D department think up some stuff earlier this year and these are the results. Get your letter to Santa fast to claims yours!

BO Barbie

This doll has a body odour issue and it’s your job to sort it out! BO Barbie suffers insecurity issues as she stinks a bit, so experiment with a wide range of miniature deodorants to get your Barbie doll smelling the way you want it! Please note: to ensure your doll arrives stinking as expected, your doll will be immersed in a mixture of unidentified dung and skunk extract.

Feminist Barbie

To sooth the rampaging feminists out there, this model announces ideologies such as, “I don’t agree with that gender stereotype”, “Don’t mansplain to me, dude”, “Don’t hold the door open for me, you sexist pig dog!”, and “No mashed potato for me tonight, I’m on boiled eggs!” (the latter made it in after a production error).

Ken 2.0

Ken has been re-imagined as a skinny jean, beard sporting Hipster who croons lines from Jeff Buckley’s version of Hallelujah. He also makes recommendations about almond milk and how he doesn’t objectify women as such leering doesn’t fit with his neo-absolutist anarcho-Trotskyan theocratic oligarchical Maoist leaning.

Manspread Ken

This Ken model has a rampant manspread on the go at a positively revolting 180 degrees. How does he even do it? More importantly, why does this heathen believe he has the right to manspread across the entire width of bus seats?! Get him into a roleplay with Ken 2.0 and Berserk Barbie (see below) to live out a psychotically violent enactment fantasy!

Bitchy Barbie

This gossip-loving lady spews forth all the latest backstabbing news about her besties. Gems such as, “OMG! Did you know Steph is a total slag?!”, “I’ve seen Sharon since the baby and she’s a total minger”, “Don’t even go there, sister!”, “You go girl!”, and “Don’t hug me or I’ll hit you!” are spouted with manic enthuasiasm.

Berserk Barbie

An Arnold Schwarzenegger/Barbie hybrid with speech functions such as: “If it bleeds, I will faint”, “I’ll be back… in a better-looking dress”, “I’ll cook the pasta, baby”, “Marry me if you want to live”, and “Your clothes, give them to me. Now, or I’ll cry” etc. She also shoots lazer beams from her eyes and self-destructs if she feels hassled.

Hang on a second, this situation is clearly getting out of control. Can you hand back the Bitchie Barbies and ensure Resa’s Berserk Barbies are also contained within a reasonable distance of each other, then we can move beyond this unfortunate incident. Regards, the Professional Moron Staff of Doom.

Look… direct all mail to Santa! Professional Moron is not here to alleviate your present-based desires. All we accept are Santa’s hate mail, love letters (Dear Santa, you Santiago to me! P.S. I live in Scotland), and discarded Hipster Beards. Professional Moron is not the glamorous place you think (or thing) it is.

OK… we attempt to aim for the “customer can always write” but this is getting stupid and my patience is wearing a thong. I can’t remember what my point is, but please direct all complaints towards your nearest wall (Pink Floyd will support your cause). Regards, Professional Moron.

Beserk Barbie is for me! I’ll take 4, please House of Heart’s Bitch Barbie’s should expect a visit from my Beserk Barbie’s immediately after Christmas. Tell them to have their clothes ready to go! I’ll expect many gowns in the inventory!

If I was a TV show, it would be a show about me staring at stuff and going: “Yeah… that’s passable!” for hours on end. Thanks for the support there. You did suggest, once, decades back, I should be a SNL writer. I agree. But they can’t afford me. $4 a scene, you see.