I would not do well as a cop. There was a time in high school when I wanted to go to Police Academy. There was a time I wanted to be a soldier. Both of these dreams had something to do with getting in shape...it would be like having a personal trainer, and eventually I would be able to do a pull-up by myself.

I'm watching CSI, and I see a cop lady yelling at some gang members, lecturing them. One of them spits angry words back at her, and it reminded me of some of the kids I've met subbing. And I thought, "If I can barely handle an 11-year-old being angry at me, there is no friggin way I would be able to handle a gang member yelling at me and making innuendos and whatnot."

Picture this scenario:

Me: You need to wake up and grow up, realize what you're doing to yourself! Stop screwing things up for yourself before you end up in jail or dead!

Gang member: I didn't do nothin'! You bitch. Don't make me get all up in your face! *face lunge* *more gangsta talk that you'll have to imagine yourself, because damn. I'm bad at this.*

I really wish I was tougher. That I could yell at kids and have them shut up and respect me. I mean, in a few years, these children might well be gang members. It would be nice to know I'm able to intimidate them. Or come on, at least command some attention.

Something where I could say, "Can I have everyone's attention, please?" and have their trusting, eager-to-please little faces turn toward me, smiling. Not malicious smiles, either, just eager ones.

I used to like kids. After subbing, I don't think I do anymore.

Nono, that's not true. I still like kids. I love spending time with them. I just don't like teaching them. I love playing with kids, but I hate being the authority that says, "You need to sit the hell down and shut the hell up now, biznitches, before I beat you with this chalkboard eraser."