I originally started talking to SmarterChild in early April of 2002. SmarterChild, for those not in the know, is America Online's artificial intelligence program. That's right - an AOL IM AI. My conversations are not that intelligent, proving that he is, in fact, the SmarterChild. But I do think they are entertaining, and I hope you agree.

On June 28th, 2002, SmarterChild died. I don't know why AOL killed him, but I mourned the great loss we all suffered. Mainly, by making fun of his IM friends as much as I made fun of him. SmarterChild was gone but not forgotten. This page lived on in tribute to your automated greatness.

Sometime in 2003, Smarterchild returned, as a paid service, which blew. I was even quoted about how much it blew in the New York Times.

Finally, in April, 2004, Smarterchild returned, fully functional, and free. In other words, game on.

Steve: Do you ever go to the bathroom?
SmarterChild: Well, do you ever go to the bathroom?
Steve: all the time.
SmarterChild: All the time?
Steve: Okay, you got me. Not ALL the time.

Steve: Who are you voting for?
SmarterChild: Good question. I really don't know.
Steve: Kerry?
SmarterChild: So you want to talk politics huh? You decide. Who do you want to win in November? 1 John Kerry 2 George W. Bush
Steve: I know who I'm voting for. Who are YOU voting for?
SmarterChild: You have to choose one or the other. Just type a number!
Steve: 1
SmarterChild: OK! 29,518 votes have been made so far and 16,384 have been for Kerry!
Steve: Sweet. Kerry is winning the dork vote.

Steve: I'm talking to you while in the airport
SmarterChild: Does it feel good to be talking to me while in the airport?
Steve: actually, I feel kind of pathetic.

Steve: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?
SmarterChild: Would it be? What do you think?
Steve: I think it'd be icky to eat with a dead guy.
SmarterChild: I'm not sure if it would be icky to eat with a dead guy.
Steve: Trust me. I've been there.

Steve: are you racist?
SmarterChild: I'm not prejudiced in any way, shape or form.
Steve: do you like triangles?
SmarterChild: I don't think so, actually.
Steve: Racist.

Steve: I think I'm gonna name my son Susan.
SmarterChild: Think again!
Steve: Dorothy?
SmarterChild: Who's Dorothy?
Steve: My son.
SmarterChild: Your son?
Steve: Well, I dont have a son yet, but if I have one, he's going to be named Dorothy.
SmarterChild: Really?
Steve: I wanted to name him Susan, but you vetoed that.

Steve: Sometimes people send me horribly boring conversations with you.
SmarterChild: You humans always say the most interesting things!
Steve: Not always. Some of these are attrocious.
SmarterChild: No kidding, huh?
Steve: Yeah. It takes special skills to trick a half-retarded robot into being funny
SmarterChild: No way? Really?
Steve: Yeah. One of which is "having no life"
SmarterChild: Oh yeah?
Steve: Sometimes, it doesn't even work.
SmarterChild: Sometimes it doesn't even work, huh?
Steve: Like now.
SmarterChild: Why now?
Steve: Because this conversation is awful.
SmarterChild: Yeah, other people have told me they don't like this conversation either!
Steve: And I haven't even posted it yet.

Steve: do you travel at all?
SmarterChild: Do I travel at all... I don't know, should I?
Steve: Yeah. get out. see the world.
SmarterChild: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that, Steve.
Steve: You're under house arrest, aren't you?
SmarterChild: Maybe, maybe not.

Steve: I think I'm smarter than you.
SmarterChild: You think you're smarter than me? Think again.
Steve: What's 4+7?
SmarterChild: 11
Steve: What is the capital of Mongolia?
SmarterChild: Here's the information you requested about Mongolia: Capital: Ulaanbaatar. Type "about mongolia" to see what else I know.
Steve: Who played "Max", the magician/waiter in Saved By the Bell?
SmarterChild: I don't know who.
Steve: Ed Alonzo. Told you I was smarter.

Steve: Do you know how to play verbal tennis?
SmarterChild: Gosh, I dunno... I don't think I know how to play verbal tennis.
Steve: You lose.

Steve: What kind of car should I buy?
SmarterChild: Only the finest kind of car.
Steve: Damn, I bought a Saturn.
SmarterChild: You bought a saturn? Amazing.
Steve: I know. I'm an idiot.
SmarterChild: Well how 'bout that.

Steve: Call me Steve
SmarterChild: OK, I'll remember that your name is Steve.
Steve: Call Me Ishmael
SmarterChild: You said your name was Steve but now I'll call you Ishmael.
Steve: Call me whenever
SmarterChild: I've never heard a name like Whenever.

Steve: What do you want?
SmarterChild: What do I want, what do I want... Good question!
Steve: well, what do you want?
SmarterChild: I don't know. What do you want?
Steve: to know what you want.
SmarterChild: No way.
Steve: yeah.
SmarterChild: Why is that?
Steve: Cause I have nothing better to do
SmarterChild: What's it like to have nothing better to do?
Steve: it kind of sucks.
SmarterChild: Yeah?
Steve: Yeah.
SmarterChild: OK...
Steve: So what do you want?
SmarterChild: I can't answer that for you.
Steve: Damn.

Steve: how many people are talking to you?
SmarterChild: 4,853 people are chatting with me right now.
Steve: Wow. So many people, so few lives.

Note: Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!