An inner web of fantasy mixed with reality

Jan. 4th, 2012

Jan. 4th, 2012

I've died every day waiting for youI've been waiting a thousand yearsand I will wait a thousand more

Its the new year. I don't feel much different. I just know I'm one step closer to somewhere else. I am very much alone.. Yet I'm not. I have my family. Which I'm closer to then any of my friends are with their families. Its always been this way, and it always will be this way. They are all I really have. Friends tend to dissolve and leave more often than not. Even the ones I thought would never leave.

I've lived the last few years a shell of a gurl. Trying to deal with the heart break that I have endured. I learned to live half alive. So much sorrow lives in my heart, broken and beaten. But I'm not your ghost anymore. Things have taken so long to feel alright. Trying to find the light to lite back in my eyes. I've struggled with everything that I've lost in these last few years. Not strong enough to leave completely but slowly backing away to the door. Afraid to close the door, to that which I invested so much time, love and energy. Who do you think you are, going around leaving scars.. coming back for me? After all the pain you put me through, all the loss I endured, the mental abuse... and you have the gall to tell me you are different... that you have changed.. are pissed at me for thinking you haven't. Then when I turn you down, and threaten to walk away forever if you push the matter farther.. you go and propose to the one you left me for. Who the hell do you think you are? What game are you playing? Now you are a shell of a man. You thought you had your perfect life, a wedding to plan a new life to live. and me. I sat back and thought, while stung for some damn reason, good. Move on so I finally can. But alas the laugh seems to be on us both, for she broke it off once again. and again you cry to me. I sit and stare at you wondering if you realize what you are asking. No. I am not your ghost anymore. I am a shadow slipping back into the dark. I don't want you to hurt, but I don't want you to hurt me anymore. Its strange.. I don't feel the love I did for you before, I see you as you are... Yet, I somehow can not seem to escape this web. I am not free to find love again.. But I don't really feel the need to have that right now. While I am lonely to the point of breaking... lonely for something that never was... real. For something I dreamed up in my little Cinderella Addams family mind. A love so strong and true. A man willing to chase across the globe for... I have yet to find that man. Though I am not ready for such a love. I tend to devote too much energy to love, so I must stay vacant and distant until school is done. Give myself some time to become myself again. Slowly I've been distancing myself from people, which might not be a good idea, but at the same time, I've been feeling that silence that grows... I know everyone is busy, maybe that's my excuse to become a hermit. I hide behind my school work and fill in the extras with jobs. I find other things to fill the time, so that I don't have time to think or feel the emptiness that is growing. I'm watching everyone find partners, have children and get married.. and I feel so different... so alone. Maybe this year things will change.. I can only hope that things are going to get better because this past year wasn't so great and ended with me alone. Though I started the year alone too... maybe that's for the best LOLSo here I am half alive... trying to find some sense in what I call my life..