(Note: if you pay for your items with a debit card at our store, you will receive a coupon worth 1% of your purchase.)

Me:*hands receipt to customer* “There you go! Since you paid with a debit card, there’s a coupon on the bottom of your receipt worth one percent of your purchase today. You can use that coupon on any future purchase. Just make sure to bring this receipt with you so we can redeem the coupon.”

Customer:*stares at coupon* “Where?”

Me:*points* “Right there.”

Customer: “15¢? Really?”

Me: “Yes, that’s one percent of your purchase today.”

Customer: “Well, that doesn’t really help at all.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s not much, but remember that these coupons don’t expire. So, if you get a few more coupons later, you can bring back several to use on the same purchase. They start to add up pretty quick.”

Customer: “Wait, I get more than one?”

Me: “You get a new one every time you buy something here with a debit card.”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “So, let’s say you come back here nine more times and pay with a debit card each time. Then, you’d have ten coupons. There’s no limit to how many of these you can use at the same time. In the future, you can bring in like twenty if you want and use them all on the same purchase.”

Customer: “So I get twenty cents off?”

Me: “You’d get the sum of all the individual values of the coupons off, depending on how much you spend.”

Customer: “So how much is that?”

Me: “It depends how much you spend. Each coupon is worth 1% of the total purchase you paid with a debit card.”

(I’m serving a customer when I notice a lady has been staring at the oranges for a long time, looking up, then looking down, and looking puzzled. The display has a slanted mirror above the oranges to make it look like we have twice as many.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss. Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yes, I was wondering if I could have some of those oranges.”

(She points to the mirror.)

Me: “Oh…um…”

Customer: “Is that okay? It’s just that those oranges look so much more orange than these ones!”

(I’m answering the phone at the bank I work at. Note that 999 is the emergency number in England.)

Me: “Hello, it’s Katy at [bank]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “My husband’s having a heart attack.”

Me: “You need to call 999.”

Customer: “I’d like to take his name off the bank account.”

Me: “Call 999.”

Customer: “No, I want him to die. So, can you just take his name off?

Me: “No, call 999!”

Customer: “Take his name off!”

Me: “Not unless he comes to the bank and signs it. Right now, you need to call 999.”

Customer: “We’ll be right there.”

Me: “No! Call 999!”

(Two minutes later, a woman comes in and speaks to my coworker.)

Customer: “I think my husband’s dead.”

Coworker: “Erm…have you called an ambulance?”

Customer: “No, because your employee Katy said to come here and not call 999!”

Me:“No, I didn’t! I’ve got the call recorded and I specifically told you to call 999! Where is your husband?”

Customer: “In the car.”

(I go outside and see an unconscious man in a car. I call an ambulance and they take him to the hospital. Several weeks later, the man comes in to sign a form. It states that he doesn’t want to share a bank account with his now ex-wife.)