Stud for Hire: Mr Rogers & The Over-Revealer

So, I’m still dating the younger man and to say it’s gone well is an understatement. Every date is better than the last! My response? Utter and complete panic.

So, I do what any woman in a panic does: I try desperately to widen my options in an attempt to not care one way or the other. I accept another date with a “good on paper” man. He’s in his forties, attractive, has children, has a steady job and seems intelligent and thoughtful. We meet at a local restaurant and when he arrives, I’m happy to see he is quietly attractive and able to hold a conversation. He vaguely reminds me of Mr. Rogers and I attempt to ignore the visions in my head of him in a cardigan.

The dinner conversation leads me into vast and extensive knowledge of his past…his paternity, the paternity of his children, his shame (yet secret pride) over the woman who used him only for sex and wanted to pay him for it with tokens of her esteem. I left the date with my head spinning and it took several days to process the information.

I stupidly agreed to another date with Mr. Rogers before I had time to process the date. Indecisive, I use events in my life to postpone with him, to try to stall and give me time to make a decision.

Meanwhile, I had a date with the younger man that was so lovely and honest; he tells me he isn’t going to sleep with anyone else, but thinks it’s too early to be exclusive. What??? Talk about a confusing situation.

So, I agree to that 2nd date after all, hoping Mr. Rogers will manage to salvage things somehow so I feel less vulnerable with the other man. Instead, he heaps more information on me about his childhood and his family, his ex-wife and his sexual exploits. He coyly talks about being passed around amongst his daughter’s friends mothers (still with me??) like a “stud for hire”, then informs me that he was also a “teacher of 18 year old girls”? Say what?

Indeed. Apparently, while hooking up for some meaningless sex (that he was ridiculously good at, but that made him feel deep shame over the superficiality…but to be clear, he was REALLY good at it…so good they gave him gifts and gave up their sex club memberships and…oh wait…deep, deep shame), he looked up to find an audience of 18 year old girls watching him demonstrating his prowess.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I have NEVER been in the middle of sex and suddenly realized people were watching WITH NO CLUE THEY WERE THERE. Oh wait, I should clarify. I’ve never had an audience, but I think I would realize there were more people in the room than I’d started with. Apparently, they enjoyed watching so much they came back for future performances. Somehow, he seemed to believe this was good information for me to have on our SECOND DATE.

So, to recap, my “Good on paper/Mr. Rogers” guy that I agreed to go out with as a way to reject my deep attraction to “Bad on paper/Hot guy” turned out to be “Troubled Childhood/Stud-for-hire/Creepy guy who lets 18 year old girls watch him have sex/Too much information” guy. Ironic, isn’t it?

So, I won’t be seeing Mr. Rogers anymore.

I’ve had to face the facts: This man that I’m dating does it for me in a way no one ever has before. Even better, strip away the sexual tension and he still makes me think and feel in a way that doesn’t usually happen. He’s been honest and upright about where he’s at and the ways in which he’s struggling and I have respect for him because of it.

And I am scared out of my mind.

I’m scared that I’ll fall for him and it won’t work out. I’m scared I’ll fall for him and he’ll hurt me. I want reassurance and a crystal ball so that I can know the outcome before I risk anymore.

Of course, that’s not going to happen.

Love is a risk and if I proceed, it’s with full knowledge and acceptance that hurt might come with it. Which leaves me with a tightness in my chest some nights, yet knowing I can’t turn back until I KNOW. And until then, I suppose I just have to practice taking a deep breath and try to enjoy the journey. Stop fighting it.