and her life in Nihon

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On Loving Myself

Loving oneself without being “selfish” is an alien concept to me. I’ve never learned to love myself. I never thought that I should until you told me that the best way to love you is to love me.

I have always been the negative and pessimistic person in the group. I imagine dark clouds suddenly forming out of thin air when I arrive in the room. I am the perpetual wallflower. I have always been ‘excluded.’ Despite being part of the group, I have always been made to feel that I was different. And I delighted in the difference. In my head, this is just me and this is all I’ll ever be… no matter how lonely it felt.

Until you came, that is. And showed me I’m capable of so much more.

I now recognize that love is no longer just about me or you. But it’s about us, together. Whatever I think of myself, I also think of you. Whatever I do to myself, I also do to you. I never thought of things this way before. I have never been ‘included.’ I have never been loved this way. I have never been loved for being me… y’know… without the condescension that often comes attached to this sort of statement.

I guess I must have been trying to escape vulnerability. I thought that to be loved or accepted, I had to be a certain person, perfect in every way. Well, that is just inhuman and insane. But you make me come alive. You make me feel that the world could be a better place. You make me learn how to trust again.

Everything is going to be all right, yeah? The dark clouds will slowly clear away. And the demons of the past will just die out and get bored of torturing me. I have you now. I feel stronger.