Anybody who has ever been to the South by Southwest music festival and claimed that it is anything less than orgasmic either a) never had an orgasm, or b) is full of shit. Last week, the music industry took over Austin, Texas, turning every bar into a venue and every bystander into a critic. "They're gonna be the next Franz Ferdinand!" became more ubiquitous than "Howdy, y'all!" as 1,300 bands vied for the attention of 8,000 registered attendees. Stores were flooded with fliers, CD samplers and cute boys with Rod Stewart haircuts. Blender and Spin fought for turf like mafia warlords. Daniel Johnston and Roky Erikson were treated like J. Lo and Britney. I didn't want to go home, ever.

SXSW does have its down sides, like 14 bands you want to see deciding they all have to play on Thursday night at 11. At that time, I chose M.I.A. over Bloc Party, the Paper Chase, the Futureheads, Michelle Shocked, Devotchka, Viva Voce, the Soundtrack of Our Lives, Plastilina Mosh, Joy Zipper, Graham Coxon, the Reputation, and Turing Machine. Unfortunately, so did everybody else within a five-mile radius. I ended up waiting so long for M.I.A. I met the love of my life, got married, and gave birth to four children all while standing in line. OK, but I did make some new friends, though. (Shout out to that guy from Skeletons.)

Time for the highlight reel. Cue Andrew WK's "Party Hard": The mosh pit during LCD Soundsystem. James Murphy calling us all "irresponsible, selfish whores." M.I.A. not lip-synching. Saul Williams leading a crowd of white indie kids in a chant of "African people! African people!" The Kaiser Chiefs' singer, Ricky Wilson, not letting a torn ligament in his left foot stop him from diving into the crowd during the climax of "I Predict a Riot". Blowfly crooning the first verse of "Shitting on the Dock of the Bay" while staring straight into my eyes. Sleater-Kinney steamrolling through "Sympathy". The New York Dolls dedicating a medley of "You Can't Put Your Arms Around a Memory" and "Lonely Planet Boy" to Johnny Thunders. Brian Wilson describing Smiley Smile as "a hashish and marijuana album." The Go! Team getting us to throw our hands in the air and wave them like we just don't care. Th' Corn Gangg (née the Unicorns) starting off with indie pop, then springing three MCs on us, and then having their set cut off by a sudden downpour and a boulder falling on the P.A.

Of course, now that it's all over, I feel like I was run over by a truck. It's going to take some serious Dr. Scholl's action to get rid of these blisters on my feet, and I think I need acupuncture on my lower back. But hey, with every orgasm there's a little pain, right?