Steve Barnes: AG candidates are going for lowest common denominator

"Hello, I'm John Smith, and I, too, am running for attorney general of Arkansas. And I'm happy to be here, happy to participate. I'd first like to thank the good people at the Holier Than Thou Non-Denominational Day Care Center for arranging this debate. It hurts a little — that a day care center is the only organization that considered this race important enough to sponsor one. I ..."

"Wait just a minute, Mr. Smith. Ladies and gentlemen, we've hardly begun and already my opponent is trying to mislead you. The fact is, all the other organizations that usually sponsor political debates informed us that this primary runoff is in fact important enough for a debate; they didn't consider the tone of it worthy of a debate. That's a big, big difference."

"Now, Ms. Doe, that may be true, but it's true only to a point: You are the one who started running all those ads listing your religion as a qualification for the job."

"Really? Like you hide yours? Like it's not on your campaign website? And if you're a Christian, I mean a real Christian, what are you doing standing here, in a non-denominational day care center?"

"Because I'm a realist; you go where the votes are. Now, most of you ladies and gentlemen look a little young to vote — I'd guess of the 40 or so of you sitting there only the kitchen helper and those two nice ladies are registered, but that makes no difference: the rest of you just sit there and get a lesson in democracy."

"Kids — I mean, ladies and gentlemen -- you just heard my opponent describe himself as a realist. That's political double-speak. 'Realist' is a nice word, a code word. What it really means is 'moderate." Do you know what a moderate is?"

"Now you wait just a minute!! You can call me a lot of things but don't call me a moderate. Would a moderate call for a 'Stand Your Ground' law like I do? And you — you say you won't campaign for it but that you'd work with the Legislature if it wants to pass one. You call that leadership? I call it wishy-washy. I call it — liberal! Ever heard of Mike Huckabee, ladies and gentlemen. My opponent worked for Mike Huckabee, the tax-and-spender."

"Everyone deserves a lawyer, Mr. Smith. Most everyone. Even that, uh, lingerie store you represented. It's the American way. And be careful, Mr. Smith: I'm packing. I'm strapped. And I've got a permit."

"Oh, really! I'm impressed. If that's true then show us your heat."

"Where's my purse? I think my aide is holding it."

"Heh-heh. 'Where's my little purse-y? Please Mr. Mugger, wait a minute 'til I find my little purse-y and pull out my Glock-y.' Now, here's what a real attorney general carries — just let me get it out of my belt here, just take a moment. Just a moment; sometimes the hammer gets caught on my shirt, heh-heh. Now, here, look at this baby: Smith & Wesson, Model 29, just like Dirty Harry's. By the way, when I'm attorney general you won't need a permit; just strap it on and that's it. And here I'd add, kids, that if you haven't seen the Dirty Harry movies, well, when I'm attorney general I'll introduce a bill to require all kids in elementary school to watch them."

"Exactly my point, Ms. Doe: That guy knew how to stand his ground. Didn't take nuthin' off nobody. And I'd point out that, unlike your Glock-y from Australia — or is it Austria? — whatever, he used a real Made-in-the-U.S.A. iron like mine. Ah, look at her: Cold, blue steel."

"As dark as your campaign money."

"That's not my money and those aren't my ads."

"You're saying you don't know anything about them?"

"I'm saying I know nothing.

"I know nothing, too."

"I know I don't support Obamacare and I'll kill it."

"I'll kill Obamacare, too. And a lot of other things."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Everything that Jesus tells me to kill."

"So tell us how you'd kill Death Row inmates. You've ruled out 'Old Sparky,' said it ought to be in a museum."

"That's because these kids can see it easier in a museum, learn 'em something. The actual killing I'd — oh, drugs, rope, maybe even my Glock-y, as you call it."

"Where's my purse-y?"

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?

"Did I fire five shots, or six?"

Steve Barnes is a veteran Arkansas journalist and moderator of AETN's Arkansas This Week.