My journey toward self love and self care

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Connecting with the thoughts, allowing them to line up with the emotions and the spirit. Making room, making space to allow the process tow ork, to allow the connections to occur in their own time and in their own way.

Allowing space, creating space to flow, to connect, to release, to cleanse. To rid the body of the physical manifestations of the pain, of the past, of the anxiety and fear that it has used to protect my spirit for such a long time.

To release the chemicals, to allow them room, to help them to find their own unique pathway to travel out of and away from the body they have called home for 43 years.

To create sacred space to honour their purpose in protection and supporting their host on her journey of discovery.

To allow the body to heal, to rediscover, or to initially discover, at least consciously, the nutrients and the scaffolding that will support it to function in the way my spirit and mind now need. To reveal the pathway forward into new, unchartered territory, into hope and joy and abundance and spirit and purpose. To support my body, mind and spirit as we move into and claim the space that has been rightfully mine for centuries. To claim the space that is my destiny and birthright.

To stand up and grasp hold of a future that is shining brightly, that is freedom, that is exactly where I am meant to be.

So as I move into this space and get used to being here, I support my body by listening to and honouring its needs. By grounding myself in “centre”, by connecting with SELF, by using movement to release. Setting my intention.

Slowing down and looking inward before training, to hear the voice that KNOWS. The voice that I know will never lead me astray.

You’ll know from previous posts that I spent some time on the central NSW coast in July for a self-care immersion. And you’ll also know that I came home and immediately began a 6 month food coaching program to support me in figuring out this final step of my transformation.

The first 7 or 8 weeks came up and hit me in the face with repetitive hard slaps. The process of keeping a food diary in and of itself brought up all kinds of emotions. I’m certainly not new to that process. I’ve been on all kinds of diets through my life and many of them required food diaries. Which I kept for about 3 days before giving it up. Every. Time. And yet here it is, week 10 (I think) and the food diary thing now feels like a normal part of the routine.

The emotions that have been brought up have certainly challenged me! I’ve had an inner 5 year old girl who has been throwing all kinds of tantrums. I’ve always used food to protect myself and sooth my fears. Fears of being inadequate and not good enough. Fears of rejection. Fears of all kinds of things. Let me tell you that little girl has given me many moments of concern. I honestly thought that she would always need comfort and support.

Today I’m not so sure that she will. She has kind of grown up in the last couple of weeks.

She is learning that she will be ok without the comfort and security of unhealthy foods. She is learning that her adult self is in charge and is making these changes in her best interests. She is learning to trust. She is learning that she is worthy. Without conditions.

And she loves that. She loves that she can be free. She loves that she can be herself. She loves that she doesn’t have to justify herself to anyone. And she loves herself.

Back to my adult self …

The last 2 weeks have been different. I’ve been working on the routine of meal planning and preparation over the last 3 weeks (ish). The first week was a lot dodgy, the next a little dodgy, and this most recent one seems very different. I felt so much better about doing the food prep. I spent some time on Sunday making curried sausages and smoked salmon, spinach & cream cheese filos. And then today I made a couple of different kinds of quiche type thingies and a pizza. The week before I made sweet potato & pumpkin soup, and curried sausages.

Curried sausages

smoked salmon, spinach & cream cheese filos

quiche thingies with vegies & chicken

quiche thingies with smoked salmon, spinach & cream cheese

more curried sausages

pumpkin & sweet potato soup

It’s not even the actual food that is the notable change. It’s the way I felt about cooking those things. Somewhat enthusiastic. Accomplished. Proud. And nowhere near as tired and fatigued as I have on previous food prep days.

And given the very long history of feeling resentful and angry around food preparation (wow, I didn’t know that was there till it came out of my fingers!), I’m going to take those feelings, savour them and enjoy them while they last.

I have been feeling quite overwhelmed with all the stuff I do at work and uni and I have been feeling like I never get time to myself. And yet whenever I am not at work or uni I am at home by myself. This includes most weekends and every evening. Doesn’t quite make sense, does it?

On Saturday morning I went to a Stand Fight Fit workshop with Emazon. I set my intention for the workshop; “focus”. I wanted to come away feeling like I was focused and could concentrate on the stuff I needed to do. Like assessment pieces for my degree. To let go of work stuff, leave it at the front door and then focus on what I need to do at home. Instead of what I have been doing; sitting in my recliner watching mindless television while I eat everything in sight. Well, maybe not everything. But close to it. And then I wonder why my mind is racing at night and I can’t get to sleep for hours …

I finished Saturday’s session feeling centred and calm. And the short talk Emma gave afterward was particularly pertinent for me. The more I push my body and ask more of it, the more stress I add to it. The more I stress it out, the more it craves carbs and sugar. And the more it craves, the harder it is for me to deny those cravings and the more I end up eating. Emma did a youtube clip on something similar to this a few months ago. Very interesting stuff and it makes perfect sense.

So, rather than ask more of my body by spending extra time “trying” to do extra stuff, what I really need to do is create some rituals and give it what it really needs; time to replenish, repair and heal from the stress it has been under for so many years. My kiniesiologist told me a while ago that my adrenals were stressed. I wonder why!!

I need to add to my goals list to include:

Create an evening ritual of quiet time with a cup of tea and meditation.

Spend some training time with the air element, morning and evening. Breathing, meditation, yoga-type movements.

Allow myself to take what I need every day.

Be in bed by 9:30pm to breathe before sleep.

Spend some time in the Japanese Gardens on the weekend, simply sitting, walking and breathing the serenity.