Sunday, December 17, 2006

Discouraged.

Disclaimer: This is going to be a downer post. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Despite any posturing to the contrary, in my heart I am a people pleaser, and in particular I want to please the people I love, and have invested a lot of time and energy into. Which is why the past few days have been so discouraging.

I have put a lot of time and energy into the drama program at school, and even more into the kids I work with. I figure I will invest no less than 100 hours of rehearsal time into the upcoming play, and another 75-100 hours in preparing and work outside rehearsal. That does not include the time and energy I will pour, and have poured, into building relationships with the kids involved.

All of that time and energy means that it really sucks when those same kids turn on me.

On Friday I wrote about how much it hurts me to watch them hurt because they are disappointed. The thing I left out was how much it hurts to have them be so angry at me for doing what I think is best for the play and everyone involved. On Friday I heard rumors of kids saying things about me ranging from how I "pulled the cast out of a hat" to accusations of playing favorites, to how they should hang me or burn me at the stake (at least they kept it in the context of the play, I should probably be pleased about that. Strangely, I'm not.) Now they have had all weekend to stew, and I dread going to school tomorrow and hearing more rude comments and being told how much everyone hates me. Even worse than the vocally hateful ones are the kids who usually see me in the hallway and say hi or hug me who now avoid meeting my eyes, or see me and then turn to their friend and whisper and laugh. It's like being back in high school myself, except worse, because I never liked high school, and in general I love my job. Except right now. Honestly, after all the drama and concentrated misery of Friday, if I were not already committed to doing this, I would quit. Maybe it's selfish, but I am having a hard time mentally justifying spending so much time and energy on something when the people I am working for are going to treat me so poorly.

It's been a rough weekend, and next week is looking none too promising.

2 comments:

erin - i hope today wasn't as aweful as you thought it might be. it's sad, but i know EXACTLY what you're going through... just keep loving the students - and don't be afraid to confront them if you see them. Call um out on their silliness. They'll get over it. and they don't really hate you. Not really. i'm sorry it hurts right now, though