The Diagnosis I Didn't Write About (Until Now)

I started blogging in January and in the nearly three months I have been blogging, I have been very upfront about my chronic pain and illnesses and how they affect my life.

I have also mentioned — at least in passing — my long struggle with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and panic disorder. Other than my Chiari malformation, which I was diagnosed with in eighth grade, my anxiety is the condition I’ve been diagnosed with the longest and I’ve learned to be open about it.

But there is one diagnosis I have not written about openly and that is my bipolar disorder II, a diagnosis I received late last August.

The more I don’t talk about it, the more my bipolar feels like this big secret, this heavy weight. But honestly, most of this is self-imposed. I was so afraid of all the “what ifs,” of all sorts of imagined judgments, that I did not allow myself to be an advocate for bipolar disorder like I attempt to be with my other conditions. I let it be the elephant in the room, something I let my doctors treat but never talked about.

But I believe it is something we should talk about. Mental illness is often comorbid with chronic pain. Me hiding my bipolar disorder diagnosis doesn’t help anyone. And if you’re afraid to talk about a particular diagnosis you’ve gotten, you’re not alone. But your mental health diagnosis is not shameful. It is not something that has to hold you back from a job or parenthood or a full life. It’s just something else that needs to be dealt with and treated, just like any illness.

My bipolar disorder, just like my Chiari malformation and other disorders, doesn’t control me. Sure, it is definitely hard some days and it is something I have to treat, but it is just like any other condition. By acting like it’s something shameful, I actually only hold myself back from getting good treatment.

I have found a good treatment plan for my bipolar disorder, thanks to my doctor and therapist. It didn’t come overnight and my fear of the stigma was a big reason why. I have never had a problem taking medication for my chronic physical illnesses, but fought having to take medication for my bipolar. I treated it like a personality weakness, something I could power through, rather than what it is: an actual medical condition. Finally, with the support and urging of my family and friends, I stopped fighting my need for medication and counseling. Thanks to them, my bipolar is incredibly well-controlled and my treatment plan helps me to be my best self.

I am finally sharing openly about my bipolar diagnosis because I do not believe it is a diagnosis that is shameful. If any of my friends were to share with me they had bipolar, even before I had gotten my own diagnosis, I would have accepted them fully, asked how I could help and not treat them any differently. So why would I not talk about it myself? I cannot talk about how much I value honesty and vulnerability — two things I value most in the world as a writer, minister, educator and person — if I am not willing to be honest and transparent about all the conditions I’m being treated for.

People with all sorts of chronic illnesses, both physical and mental, thrive in all sorts of professions. We are writers, teachers, business owners, scientists, advocates and much, much more. And if I believe that bipolar is nothing to be ashamed of — which I fully do believe! –then I need to practice what I preach and be open about my own diagnosis. It is a diagnosis I am happy I got, because it has led me to effective treatment which therefore helps me live a more healthy and happy life, where I flourish in all my roles.

Finally, I also believe, as a Christian and a Christian leader, that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, because we all are created in the image of God. Mental illness is exactly that — an illness. It is not a personality weakness or a punishment from God and we should treat mental illnesses like we do all illnesses: honestly, with dignity and respect for the whole person for whom our illness(es) is only a small part.

I am a 26-year-old young wife, mother, and educator who first and foremost loves God, loves people, and writes things. I am a champion for destigmatization and normalization of mental and chronic illnesses, and myself have Chiari Malformation, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar II Disorder, and Panic Disorder: but I believe I, and everyone else, are so much more than their diagnostic labels. I am passionate about coffee, Star Wars, and working with kids. I am working on self-publishing my first novel, Panic Cat, but it is on hold while I find out if I need brain surgery for my Chiari Malformation. You can follow my novel by following my blog, writerkatgn.wordpress.com.