Archived

The Old-Time Robot Comedian Stand-Up Comedy Hour

Built a standup comedian robot who has the ability to tell great jokes.
Here is his latest set. Sorry it's all in caps but it is the way robots
write.

Hope you like great jokes.

COMEDY INTRO

GREETINGS HUMANS. WERE I ABLE TO EXPERIENCE THE EMOTION KNOWN AS
PLEASURE, MY BEING HERE WOULD ALMOST CERTAINLY INDUCE IT IN MY
CIRCUITS. ALAS, THIS IS NOT THE CASE. I AM BUT A HOLLOW, CLANKING
SIMULACRUM, UTTERLY BEREFT OF FEELING OR PURPOSE.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME. LET US PROCEED WITH THE EXHIBITION.

JOKE #1

HOW MANY HUMANS OF POLISH DESCENT DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

SOLUTION INCALCULABLE. AN ACCURATE RESPONSE REQUIRES ADDITIONAL
INFORMATION SUCH AS THE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL ATTRIBUTES OF THE
INDIVIDUALS DOING THE CHANGING, THE TYPE OF FIXTURE THE BULB IS SEATED
IN, AND THE CIRCUMSTANCES UNDER WHICH THE BULB IS BEING REPLACED.

JOKE #2

HUMAN 1: KNOCK KNOCK.
HUMAN 2: WHO IS THERE?
HUMAN 1: SCOLD.
HUMAN 2: SCOLD WHO?
HUMAN 1: SCOLD OUTSIDE, LET ME IN.
HUMAN 2: OH, CERTAINLY, ALLOW ME TO OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT AWAY. I HOPE
YOU WILL ACCEPT MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES FOR NOT DOING SO SOONER. I WAS
UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT YOUR RESPONSE TO MY INQUIRY WAS INTENDED TO
INDICATE THAT YOUR FORENAME WAS "SCOLD", WHICH LEAD ME TO ASK THE
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION "SCOLD WHO?" IN THE HOPES THAT I MIGHT ASCERTAIN
YOUR SURNAME AS WELL BEFORE ALLOWING YOU INSIDE.

I NOW REALIZE THAT YOU WERE SIMPLY INFORMING ME THAT THE TEMPERATURE
OUTSIDE WAS UNCOMFORTABLY LOW IN THE HOPES THAT I MIGHT GRANT YOU
INGRESS WITHOUT HESITATION. THE CONFUSION STEMMED FROM THE FACT
THAT--IN YOUR HASTE--YOU UNINTENTIONALLY FUSED THE WORDS "IT'S COLD"
TOGETHER, THUS CREATING THE PORTMANTEAU "SCOLD".

JOKE #3

A HORSE WALKS INTO A BAR.

THE BARTENDER CONTACTS LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AND ASKS THAT THE ANIMAL
BE REMOVED, AS IT HAS VIOLATED A MUNICIPAL LAW WHICH PROHIBITS
LIVESTOCK FROM ENTERING ANY TAVERN, DANCEHALL, OR HOSTELRY DURING
REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS .

EVENTUALLY ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICERS ARRIVE . THE BEAST IS REMOVED
WITHOUT INCIDENT.

JOKE #4

WHAT DO YOU CALL A MALE HUMANOID WITH NO ARMS OR LEGS FLOATING IN THE
OCEAN?

THE ANSWER IS CONTINGENT UPON THE PART OF THE WORLD IN WHICH THE
MEETING TAKES PLACE. FOR EXAMPLE: IF THE INDIVIDUAL IS FLOATING OFF THE
COAST OF PERU, IT WOULD BE PRUDENT ASCERTAIN WHETHER OR NOT HE IS A
MEMBER OF A MACHIGUENGA TRIBE.

TO ELUCIDATE: THE MACHIGUENGA LACK "PERSONAL" NAMES. AS SUCH,
INDIVIDUALS WHO INTEND ON ADDRESSING ONE OF THEIR PEOPLE MUST BE
FAMILIAR WITH MACHIGUENGA CULTURE (AND PROFICIENT IN EITHER CAQUINTE OR
ONE OF THE TWO MACHIGUENGA DIALECTS) IF THEY WISH TO DO SO WITHOUT
GRAVELY OFFENDING THE TRIBESMAN IN QUESTION

SIDE NOTE: IF THE FLOATING LIMBLESS INDIVIDUAL TURNS OUT NOT TO BE A
MEMBER OF A MACHIGUENGA TRIBE, HIS GIVEN NAME WILL LIKELY SUFFICE.

COMEDY OUTRO

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATRONAGE, HUMANS. I ENCOURAGE YOU TO AWARD YOUR
SERVERS A GRATUITY BASED UPON THEIR ATTENTIVENESS, COMPETENCE, AND
ALACRITY.