Thursday, November 03, 2011

an anniversary spent with no internet

Living with grief is a strange thing.Years, made up of months of weeks of days of hoursspent keeping busydoing the jobgetting things donemaking people proudproving you can do iteven when the person you most want to make proudthe only person you ever needed to prove anything tois gone.Every other anniversary (and many other days)has been filled with reliving every moment of that dayand the days leading up to that daywondering pleading cryingbut not truly functioning, whatever other people might be able to see.This year was differenta day in the muddle of days

in a place with no internet and no clock

where time stands still…a day spent reading mystery novels with women detectives, just like she dida day spent cooking, in a pot that once was hers, just like she dida day spent, for the first time in six years,just resting.It seems counterintuitive—we’re told to keep busy to keep our mind on other things to distract ourselves and move onbut that may not actually workI thought a retreat would mean thinking more, obsessing more, crying morebut instead it meant rest,and some relief—relief from trying to hold it together,relief from hiding the sobs,relief from doing everything the best to make her proud.This year was different.No relentless memories of the phone call,No wondering if the day would ever end,No what-ifs about how the world might have been different,No sobbing until throwing up.Just…reading. cooking. rest. Finally.I still miss her.I still want to pick up the phone and find her on the other end.I still want to go on those adventures we’re (in)famous for.But maybe a little rest from all of that

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Buffy!

BUFFY: Ok. You know what? We need to boil those and put them through the ricer.

GILES: I don't think I have a ricer.

BUFFY: You don't have a ricer? What do you mean? How could someone not have a ricer?