Before contacting me, check to see if your question appears among the frequently asked questions below:

What are rollover minutes and how many do I have left in my account?

Rollover minutes are one of the tricks your new mobile phone can do once it is properly trained, along with shake hands, heel, and sit minutes (speak minutes are optional at extra charge; play dead minutes are automatic and free). To calculate how many rollover minutes you have, add your sit and play dead minutes together and multiply the total by zero.

How can I tell if my husband is having an affair?

He Is.

Are there any undetectable poisons?

All poisons are undetectable if they are not suspected. That makes biotoxins especially suitable. Botulinum and tetanus toxins have been suggested by mystery writers; amanita phalloides (death cap mushroom) is very potent. Potassium or insulin administered intravenously are popular choices among doctors.

If God exists, why is there pain and suffering in the world?

God is a ten year old boy who likes to pull the wings off flies. He has a very short attention span. He would mature in time, but He can’t because He is God.

If there is so much dark matter in the universe, why can’t I get any on Amazon.com?

You can, but you can’t see the listing or the picture of it. Dark matter by definition is undetectable. If you do order some, it will come in a giant cardboard box with lots of padding and one tiny piece of dark matter somewhere inside. Don’t bother looking for it (see above).

Is it possible to get a sexually transmitted disease without actually having sex?

It is possible, but it isn’t very efficient and it’s probably not as satisfying.

Not much.

What happens after you die?

Out.

Where does the flame go when you put out a candle?

It is if you are dating a puppy.

Is petting permissible on the first date?

It’s the highest one you can think of, plus one.

What is the highest number?

Not if both parties use adequate protection.

Can people catch computer viruses?

Yes, if you are on the board of Blue Cross.

Does Blue Cross have my best interests at heart?

First, remove the body. Then try a little soda water. If that doesn’t work, add 4 ounces of scotch and drink quickly as you burn the tablecloth (and the body, if necessary).

How do I get blood stains out of a white tablecloth?

They will meet at 3:50 p.m. at the bottom of Lake Michigan.

If a train leaves Chicago at 2 p.m. heading toward Grand Rapids at 60 mph and another train leaves Grand Rapids an hour later heading toward Chicago at 40 mph, what time will they meet?

Unipolar depression occurs only at one pole, usually the South because there is no land at the North Pole. Bipolar depression occurs at both poles. In both conditions, placing a heavy object on the snow will cause a depression.

How can you tell unipolar and bipolar depression apart?

It depends on a number of dependent variables, depending on how dependent the dependent is, whether he or she depends on being a dependent, and whether the parents depend on the dependent to be a dependent. If this answer seems unclear, here is the answer from the IRS website: “If you are an unmarried dependent, you must file a tax return if your earned and/or unearned income exceeds certain limits.”

How much does an unmarried dependent student have to make before he or she has to file a tax return?

There are three traditional routes: 1) buy a hotel and hire yourself; 2) get a job as an assistant manager and wait around until the manager drinks himself into a stupor and photograph him in a compromising situation as an incentive for him to resign; 3) grow to be seven feet tall and get a basketball scholarship to UNLV.

How do I become a hotel manager?

Zeta function regularization is used as one possible means of regularization of divergent series in quantum field theory. I also find it helpful in controlling certain garden pests in an ecologically friendly way.

Are there any practical applications of the Riemann zeta function?

The two most effective ways are: stop sleeping, or stop breathing while you sleep.

How can I stop snoring?

If your question has still not been answered, please keep repeating it until it has been frequently asked.