Mike Part II

The day I headed to Mike’s house for the first time was sunny and beautiful in Seattle and I was filled with hope that maybe, just maybe, I had been wrong about his sexual orientation. I arrived at his house, got a welcome hug (of course!) and then a tour of his house. It was immaculate, beautifully furnished and full of cookbooks – volumes and volumes of cookbooks. The house was beautiful and I was definitely impressed although my mind was not being changed. I am not sure what I would have to have seen – bear skin rug? a beer stein collection? – but the amazing decorating wasn’t doing the trick. Our dinner and movie were enjoyable but, again, I went home without anything more than a hug.

I really liked spending time with Mike but I seemed to be getting a tour of great restaurants and viewing lots of movies but generating absolutely no spark. We both seemed to be dancing around the *idea* of something beyond platonic but that was the extent of it. One night we went to a Thai restaurant near Mike’s house. I was perusing the drink menu and saw several beverages that included an African herb that, according to the description, had an aphrodisiac effect. Mike said, without missing a beat, “You should get one of those!” and I immediately did. I am quick like that. I thought he would join me but, no, he got tea. Tea! I don’t know if the aphrodisiac qualities were greatly exaggerated by the restaurant or my company was harshing the buzz but I felt absolutely nothing. Another time we went to a supposedly scary movie and I literally said, “If I get too spooked you might have to hold my hand!” Nothing. What did a girl have to do? After the movie Mike told me he had a tattoo on his upper back and seemingly flirtatiously said, “I will show you but I have to take my shirt off.” Ok, ok, ok! He invited me his house the next week to watch football and have dinner. That sounded very heterosexual. I was going to get past first base!

I showed up at Mike’s house the next week and he answered the door in an apron. With ruffles. Was he messing with me? Oh, no, it wasn’t a joke. I convinced myself that it wasn’t too feminine (who was I kidding????) and we ate a delicious dinner and hunkered down for football. We held hands and I decided to be a total whore and ask him to take his clothes off, er, to see his tattoo. He immediately pulled his shirt over his head and I kind of wished I hadn’t thrown that offer out on the table. For a guy that was supposedly Mr. Athlete I was really, really underwhelmed. He wasn’t hideous but he was kind of flabby and unexciting. The tattoo was cool. There was that. I left Mike’s house that night still having only hit a single. This was not looking good.

Mike and his family were headed out of town for the following week and I took the opportunity to really mull over what the hell I felt about the whole ‘thing’ we had going on. I quite liked hanging out with Mike but being just friends was getting old. I honestly could not tell how he felt about me. He would make comments about aphrodisiacs and disrobing but then he would shoot me a disapproving look if I cursed in front of him. He liked football but he served the game-time eats in a pretty apron. This guy was all over the place. I got an email from Mike from his family vacation and it included a picture of the amazing cake he had prepared and frosted for everyone. He had even brought his own cake knives (!!!) so it would be perfect. Sweet lord. I had to get out and in a hurry.

My break-up with Mike was a good example of why, like ripping off a Band-Aid, it is best to do it as fast as possible. No good comes from dragging it out. The actual ending of things wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be. When I called Mike and told him how I was feeling, he said that was he was very disappointed but that he understood. I unfortunately came to this brilliant conclusion a week before Christmas so both of us had gifts for each other and I agreed for a meet-up and present exchange. My presents were very simple and unexciting – wine, salt and pepper shakers – but he had gone way overboard and bought me some first-edition Wizard of Oz books on eBay since it was my favorite movie. Those still remain probably one of the best gifts I have ever received. I loved them, of course, but I felt so awkward and awful and like a total jerk. Mike and I decided that we wanted to be friends but that petered out after a couple of dinners. Harry might have been right when he told Sally men and women can’t be friends.

I did look Mike up on Facebook less than a year after I ended things and he had already gotten married, to a GIRL. That made it his two heterosexual marriages to my none so I have to ask myself – who really ended up ‘scoring’?