Monday, February 23, 2009

I've talked about my history with ED for some time now. I felt I needed to retell my story of recovery, so here goes.

My ED began unconsciously at around the age of 10yrs old. My dad was a firm believer in the "clean your plate" philosophy. I remember being forced to eat so much until I threw up. So you see where my bulimia began. After throwing up so much I learned to throw up after a binge. I held on to this behavior for years, never calling it an ED. My son finally put a name to it. We were going through some family counseling after his father died. One night we attended a workshop on addictions. ED's were presented as part of the topic. When we got in the car ready to return home, he turned to me and said you are bulimic. Until that time everyone, including myself, always said I had a nervous stomach. I continued with the behavior for years after that night. I just got better at hiding it. I became a closet eater. Binging on anything in sight then purging. I wasn't doing it to consciously lose weight. I soon ballooned to nearly 400lbs. It wasn't until I had my WLS that my ED became an issue where I finally got some help. I lost my weight very quickly. I couldn't binge or purge any more after the surgery. It was next to impossible. So I began just not eating. The closer I got to my goal weight the less I would eat. I still saw myself as being 400lbs. I still wore all my old clothes even though they were falling off of me. When I reached the 130 lb mark my family spoke up and said enough. This is when my son finally spoke up about the bulimia. My mom talked with my therapist about everything. So I then began my long road of recovery. I still did not want to eat. I was afraid of gaining any weight that I had lost. Fast forward 2 years. My lab work shows I am literally starving myself to death. So I began working more closely with my therapist and a whole team of doctors. I have since regained 50lbs. My lab work is finally on track after a long hard year. I still find myself freaking each time I get on the scale. I'm not happy with the gain. I'm back to hiding in clothes 3 sizes too big. It's a daily struggle to make myself eat. I just take it one day at a time.