Bish, I want to CRY!

I feel like we’ve held conversations about “The Strong Friend” and while I stand by everything that I’ve already stated and won’t take you into a recap. I feel the need to be completely transparent as it pertains to where my life has been leading me this past couple of years. We have established that “I. Be. So. Tired.” and all of the reasons why, and right now Bish (I call you as a term of endearment with all of the love in my heart) I want to CRY CRY.

So in the way that I’ve been able to deal with everything else I’m going to give you a list of all of the mess, but hopefully you read it in a way that doesn’t put you in the mood that I’m fighting off.

1. It’s not the Cancer Bitch, it’s the GERMS.-

I’m so mad in my heart and lowkey tamping down a beef with the Lord right now behind one of my oldest friends. One of the strongest and most resilient human beings I’d ever met in my life is GONE in the middle of his fight with Cancer, which I firmly believe he was whipping it’s ass… but like the nasty raggedy bitches they are Germs creeped in somehow and my homie caught an infection. I’m mad because I stayed away his last few weeks because I felt a tickle in my throat and I wasn’t about to play games with his life like that on top of Shaw’s schedule changing making it impossible to get over to the hospital before he started getting sleepy. I still talked to him on the phone though, and I had been bugging TF out of him to get a personal campaign going with Be the Match. I was tapping into all of my connects to help get that going but because of GERMS, my friend is running angel committee meetings with Jesus.

I know that you don’t know how to feel reading this, but please if you don’t leave with anything else, thank your local OCD Germophobes for living life right and keeping the contamination population down. Now, beyond that social media will wear you out. There’s ninjas that I know haven’t said “Boo” nor “Ha” to my friend since he changed schools the year after Ca$h Money took over. HERE THEY COME, tagging him all on Facebook, lying, fake cry emoji-ing collecting clout likes talking about #FCancer… no, no, no you clown ass absentee #FGerms. F Germs as a staff record label and an MF-ing crew, and if you couldn’t even pick up the phone to give him words of encouragement while he was alive, then F you too. I will forever be grateful to his wife for calling me and telling be directly before I got a chance to see all those posts on Facebook. I honestly think that gesture alone kept me from breaking all the way down. Although I’m sharing his story, I’m not adding his name to this because I refuse to turn my real friend into a hashtag. I just want this to be told so that everybody can do better.

2. Who do people think you’re supposed to be?-

Baby, I wish I knew how some poeple have me made up in their minds. Do people do that to you too? Ask you to do things for free and then tell you how they want it done and stand on top of you directing as though the only thing they needed from you were your hands… or even worse stand in the way of you being able to finish the things that are depending on them to finish their part… or maybe just believe that you should be able to read their mind and instictively KNOW what you ought to be doing for them? I don’t even have a single specific story for you on that one. If you’re anything like me, you care about things being right and you also care about the impact that your words and actions have on others. Well the beautiful dark twisted story on that is that when other people know that stuff matters to you, they use that to bounce the tightrope that is your life on which you’re trying to balance.

Do not, under any circumstance, move outside of where your heart leads you. EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING GOT. You don’t owe anyone anything (read- you don’t owe them hoes NOTHING), and if you want to contribute or withold anything from the bottom of your heart, that’s the thing that you should do. I know it’s going to be hard to follow, but F how somebody feels about it if you know you’re following what’s been put on your spirit in love and kindness.

3. Sometimes You need Help!-

I love my son, God knows I do, but he is A WHOLE LOT. Not even going to lie, I haven’t had time to actually cry and grieve my grandma let alone my friends that have passed on in the last 11 months and right now that little baby doesn’t give a damn about ANY of that. Not that he’s an asshole, but none of it is his business and at this point in his life pacifier, food and chasing the dog are his top priorities. So, “giving Mom a break” isn’t even a thing in his mind yet. I am so grateful for the village that I have around me that’s been propping me up on all sides and keeping my mind out of the dark place. I have so much that I’m responsible for and so many things that I still want to accomplish so it’s important that I’m honest along my journey so that I can get help when I need it.

This piece is what I want you to hold on to the tightest. Yes, life is short, people are inconsiderate and there’s never enough money or willing hearts for all of the great things that we cook up in our heads, but we are still not out here alone. So, while some of these neccessary tears are filled with sadness and bite my lip just before I fight anger, some of these tears are filled with pure gratitude.