Lousy Jesus

OK the title was intended to get you here, but if you are expecting me to spew venom about Jesus and the church, keep surfing. I recently started reading the bible again—you know the book with the dust on it! At least that is what it was in my house. I would keep the bible on my nightstand in case someone wandered into my bedroom and saw it. I wanted them to think I was a great guy, when I know otherwise. The book accumulated dust and served me well as a coaster, but like all books, you have to open it to read it.

Well I opened it recently and the thought process was this—I’m getting close to fifty and I need to start studying for the final. All throughout my academic career I would wait until the last minute and then cram all the knowledge of one semester into every nook and cranny of my short term memory and then spit it out for the test and proceed to forget much of what I studied. Except I once read that Vanna White’s zodiac sign is Aquarius and for some reason that refuses to leave my brain. Can’t remember my wedding anniversary, but ask me Vanna White’s zodiac sign and I am going to double down.

Back to the bible and the title of this blog. So I’m reading about this Jesus guy, HEY ZEUS for my Mexican friends, and I get to thinking…I would make a lousy Jesus. Seriously, I am so glad that God did not pick me to be this guy because I know me and I would have screwed it up from day one. Can you imagine having the power to do miracles and NOT having it go to your head? Three days into the gig as Jesus people would go from calling me Jesus of Nazareth to Jesus the Jerk. I could not handle that power in the same manner that I should not win the lottery. I know my limitations and money and power would make me very unpopular in a very short time. Give me credit for having the guts to admit it.

Let’s look at a couple of real life Jesus examples and then I will tell you how I would have handled it. Bible trivia time and this is where most people start sweating…myself included, but here we go. What was the first documented miracle Jesus performed in the bible? Don’t you dare head over to Google….I’m about to tell you—-turning water into wine at the wedding at Cana. When I was drinking I LOVED this miracle. It was like God was blessing my partying! Party Jesus—one of my favorite Jesuses or is it Jesii. Not sure of the plural for Jesus here, but I know how I would have handled it. I would have turned this opportunity into a profit scheme. Picture this, I am at the wedding and they run out of wine. Everyone is freaking out. I walk over and turn the jugs of water into wine and the crowd goes crazy. I then quickly turn the wine back into water and start asking for a five dollar cover charge for those who want to drink. They now know I can do it and if they want to keep the party rolling, pay the man! I would have to stamp their hands or hand out one of those obnoxious colored bracelets that we get at any music festival or beer garden. My policy would be simple: no tickie–no shirtie. You have to pay to play and I’m the referee. Anyone caught breaking the rules gets a lightning bolt to the head.

Need another example? Good because I have one. Remember the story where the supposedly righteous dudes brought Jesus a woman who was accused of committing adultery? I won’t even get into the part about the guy missing in action here because according to my notes it takes two to tango, but I digress. The real Jesus puts everyone in their place with one simple sentence: “He who is without sin shall cast the first stone.” They were planning on stoning this woman and after Jesus busted out this vicious logic, they all dropped their rocks and went home. Now put the “Dennis Jesus” in that scenario and imagine I am smart enough (stretch!) to utter those words. After everyone leaves I start picking up the rocks and start pelting the woman. I am without sin, so you better run woman! She runs out of my range—boom lightning bolt to the head. I would be the worse Jesus ever.

I could go on and on with case after case where I would have blown it as Jesus. So tonight when you hit your knees to thank God for all that you have, add this last sentence: “and God thanks for sending your one and only son to atone for our sins and also thanks for not making Dennis Gillan Jesus. Amen.”

Disclaimer: Dennis Gillan is not a licensed professional counselor, and his views are stricly observational and should not be taken as medical advice. In case of an emergency please contact a professional, specialist or the Suicide Prevention Lifeline.