Our site dedicated to Gabriella Cosner,
our oldest baby at age 4 who was diagnosed
with rhabdomyosarcoma in March 2012.
WE WILL FIGHT THIS!!!

Sunday, May 27, 2012

At War

I feel like this is a battle I was never quite prepared for. I don't know what war feels like but this feels pretty close. We are always living cautiously, ready for a bomb to go off. Bags packed and ready for the next battle not knowing how big or small it might me. We sleep when we can, eat when we can and prepare as much as we can. The enemy feels like it's just lurking out there. We just don't know where or when it will attack. I want to fall on my face but I can't. No matter how tired and exhausted we feel, it doesn't matter. It's still there and we still have to fight it; every moment. As a close friend let me know, "This is way more emotional. In combat, everything is desensitized and your enemy is faceless. It's easy to block things out. Here, the enemy is inside somebody you love. You can't kill the enemy without hurting the one you love even though you know it has to be done."

When I go to the grocery store, run my errands and check FaceBook, I find it hard to see all these healthy children running around and not be envious. They are healthy. They get to live life outside of the hospital walls. My baby is stuck inside. I'm not gonna lie; it feels like prison sometimes. We are trying to make it as "fun as possible" but at times like these, it's not fun. It's not fun to have a sick kid. None of this is fun. I just wish she was better. I wish this cancer would go away.

Gabriella's fever hit again today. That means at least another 48 hours in the hospital, at least. We are thankful that she received her three drug chemo yesterday but now she has a fever. The blood and urine cultures they did earlier in the week are still negative. Is this good or is it a bad thing? Good I'm assuming because there is no bacteria growing but bad because we don't know why she's getting fevers. Her counts have been high. This is why they went ahead and gave her the chemo but why the fever now? It's so scary to think that something more is going on in her little body and no one can figure it out. So we wait.

On my way home from the hospital yesterday and coming back today, I blasted the song "Stronger" from Kelly Clarkson in my car. It felt good to sing as loud as I could to pass the driving time. I just wish I had a better voice. Today, I ran through the little park near our house as fast as I could. I cried, I screamed, I listened to "Stronger" over and over again. I thought of what I can do to make this better, to get me through it so I can get the rest of my family through it. I started to think about ideas for Gabriella's Victory Party. It's going to be big...and fun. I can't wait.

I'm so sorry to hear the fever update. I appreciate you sharing all of your feelings about seeing other healthy kids and screaming while you run in the park. I can just picture you singing in the car right now. :-) I hope the the hard times slow down so all of you can have a break. Thinking about you guys all of the time. Stay strong, she will beat this and you will win the war. I can't wait for the Victory party.

Even we cry when we think about G - to be her parents, completely unimaginable! I agree with your friend - they are on guard only to protect themselves (and the other adults, of course), but not on guard to protect a young, precious little child. I keep thinking that God only gives you what you can handle, and I am so thankful he doesn't have enough faith in me to handle this! Of all the people we know, you and Adam are two of the strongest parents out there - and you are both FIGHTERS, so I know your daughters are fighters, too. She will be cured - keep your faith!

I remember the unexplained viral fevers that would come and go and drive me crazy. It is frustrating to not know what causes these fevers. Sometimes I would find out weeks after about some virus at school that my son may have given C, but it wouldn't matter because at that point we were on to something else. It's a good thing about the blood culture coming back negative though. I know what you mean about the healthy kids causing resentment. And feeling like a prisoner. You are doing a great job of keeping your eye on the prize. I still listen to Stronger a lot even though it makes me cry. Keep crying and screaming and writing. Most of all know that you are not alone.

I couldn't agree more with Angela...cry, scream and write...and know you are not alone. You will all come out of this victorious. I know it's hard to see the light at this phase, but it's coming!! :) Stay strong. The fevers happen, which causes more time in the hospital, and it's so hard to take. But know it's because the chemo is working, and it has to break you down first before you can heal. Keep finding your strength from sweet Gabriella!! XO