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Thursday, 27 December 2012

In this festive season, many people like to cook. Perhaps you enjoy cooking, or suffer from a form of masochism. Either way, it seems unlikely you're as perfect as me in any way, so here are some cooking tips and an interwoven recipe.

Step 1: Preparation
The most important part of any cooking enterprise is good preparation. The second most important part is to use edible ingredients, not tinfoil and caterpillars, but we'll talk more about that later. Firstly, gather all your utensils and other kitchen equipment together in a heap. This should include items you have no intention of using, as it allows you to get more items dirty at a quicker pace. This is the real secret to cooking.

Step 2: Cooking

The next step is to actually cook your dish. In this scenario, you are making some pesto, because I did that earlier. Take some basil leaves, an indiscriminate amount of pine nuts, parmesan cheese and some olive oil, and blend in a food blender. No, I'm not going to tell you how much of each ingredient you will need. Numbers are an illusion from which you must free yourself.Step 3: Sobbing
Collapse on the floor crying. Your dreams will never come true. Weep, weep for the death of your innocence, and because you have a lot of washing up to do later. Your pesto is unpleasantly green and lumpy, and your life is going nowhere. You will never recapture that sense of belonging, that happiness and completeness you felt in a dream last Thursday. Is there a word for that? There's probably one in German, they're good at words like that. Also, if you're that kind of person, you could make a joke about the War. It's been a while though, and almost everyone involved is dead. You should move on.

Step 4: Washing up.

Wash the plates, utensils and beloved pets you used in the cooking process. Be sure to leave smeary streaks of olive oil on your glasswear, and basil leaves in your sink. This will add to the aura of your being. Imagine you have taken your worries out of your head and placed them in an basket. You have tied the basket to a balloon, and you are watching your worries float away. Eat fibre to avoid constipation.

Step 5: Mixed herbs

Add some mixed herbs. A 'real' chef would use specially-chosen, fresh herbs. However, this is actually a sup to Cthulhu, the being of infinite horror to which all Chefs pray. Avoid involving the notoriously troublesome entity in your cooking by using a tub of mixed herbs from your local supermarket. Their green bittiness will enhance any meal, even if it is a test-tube filled with custard.Step 6: Pray and Order a Takeaway
This is the last step in any successful cooking ritual. First, offer a prayer to God. As per the Old Testament do not offer your young to Moloch. Prayer is a strong force for good in the world, and if you're lucky, God might give you Clip-Clop, the pony you always wanted. This done, use a telephone or the internet to demand someone else brings food to your house. Or just eat raw meat. Perhaps you could go outside and take bites out of a hedgehog? They're hibernating right now, so you should be able to get past the spikes easily.

Conclusion

This concludes "Cooking with the author", an exciting new blog feature that we shall never speak of again. Follow these six simple steps and you could soon be starving to death. Amaze your friends! Fuck off! Do something in between!