Interviews will be held in secret, behind closed doors. There will be no transcripts or recordings. However, Senators may doodle discretely.

2.

Respondents will respond to all questions in Serbo-Croatian, or a personally-devised langauge that sounds like Serbo-Croatian. No Serbo-Croatian translators are allowed inside the chamber, or within a 25-mile radius.

3.

Senators must bow and say "Mother May I" before addressing Ms. Miers. Senators may not refer to Mr. Rove as "Your Rotundity."

4.

Senators are forbidden to ask the Respondents any of the following questions:

What is your full name?

What do you know about the topic of this investigation?

What year was the Treaty of Lucarno?

If you could be a tree, which sort of tree would you be?

Does the President have a secret plan for taking over the world?

Who would win a duel between Chuck Norris and Skeletor? Oh, really?

Are you guilty of pressuring federal prosecutors to target Democrats before the last election?

Is you is or is you ain't my public servant?

Where were you on the night of June 4, 1991?

Hey, sugar - you datin?

5.

Respondents will not be required to tell the truth, only something that approaches truthiness. Any incriminating testimony will be assumed to be sarcasm, and taken to mean its precise opposite.

6.

Requirements for Individual Senators:

Senator Specter must sing "I'm a Little Teapot," with full body motions, before questioning can begin.

Senator Leahy is not allowed to look directly at Ms. Miers. He must stand with his face to the wall during all questioning, arms akimbo.

Senator Kennedy may sleep throughout the procedings. If he were to awaken, we would all vanish with his dreams.

Senator Hatch is not allowed to use his invisibility cloak. He knows why.

Senator Biden is required to chop down the tallest tree in the forest - with a herring. And then he must bring a shrubery. No: two shrubberies!

7.

Mr. Rove is not required to wear clothes. No mention is to be made of this fact.

8.

Green Room Requirements:

Four ham sandwiches; fresh homemade potato chips

Six diet cokes

Three pounds of M&Ms with ALL blue M&Ms removed. Any appearance of a blue M&M will be grounds for a National Security Letter.