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Dear Carolyn: I am considering getting back together with an ex. We were together for more than
three years, then apart for more than a year. We have both expressed that we want to try again.

We also seem to be curious about each other’s love life while we were separated. He says that it
doesn’t really matter what I did during our time apart; he just wants to know the truth. I’ve asked
him questions because I also wanted to know the truth, although, to be honest, I might have
preferred that he had lied.

He is from a traditional background, as am I, and, although I didn’t do anything I am ashamed
of, I think that providing details is more hurtful than anything else.

Do you think full disclosure is necessary in this situation, or do you think it is within my
rights not to provide it? We have both been tested and are clean, if that matters.

Do you think it says something about our relationship that I am unwilling to disclose details of
my love life?

— Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: “Clean” says something about your view of people who test positive. There aren’t
two types of sexually active people: “clean” and “dirty”; there is only one type: “sexually
active."

As for your urge to ask for details and your discomfort with the details themselves: Figure
yourselves out; then figure each other out. Any details are needless distractions without that
self-knowledge.

Meaning: Understand exactly why you’re curious about each other’s “love life,” preferably before
you start asking. Does either of you, for example, think sexual involvement would reflect poorly on
the other’s character? Is it about health? Is your curiosity really just rubbernecking? Do you
think there’s a difference between having one sex partner during that year-plus and having two or
three? What about two or three versus 10? Do you regard any recent exes as rivals?

Once each of you knows what you’re trying to find out, then you’ll see not only that specifics
are gratuitous but also that requests for them are needlessly invasive. (As is calling it “the
truth,” as if wanting facts for the sake of facts isn’t just voyeurism with a side of agenda.)

Why? Because if you want to know whether there are lingering attachments, then simply ask that.
If you want to know whether you (still) have similar values, then ask that. If you want to know
whether you agree on what is and isn’t each other’s business, then ask that. If you want to know
about health, then, as you did, get tested. All of it is available by some means other than knowing
who did what with whom.

As for what it says about your relationship that you’re unwilling to give details, that depends.
Is there a reaction you fear that he’ll have or that you can’t handle? You can ask him about that,
too.