Jul 7 Navigating Normality When Life Isn’t Normal

Hello…. Hannah the absent blogger here! Sorry for the hiatus from writing, sometimes I just need to take a break from delving deep and need a little distance, I guess this is all part of the evolution of the grieving process as more and more time passes by.

Well the title says it all for this one, learning to navigate normality during what are still very abnormal circumstances. I am still adjusting to my new life and things are very up and down but there certainly are more lighter moments making their way in now. We’re still going through that difficult first year, reaching those all important first milestones and learning to piece ourselves back together and somehow try to move forwards. It hasn’t been easy at all, some days are still completely overwhelming and I just want to lie in bed all day long, pull the duvet over my head and binge watch reality TV.

Some exciting news for you… I have found a new binge watch after exhausting The Real Housewives franchise to absolute death. I have discovered something equally as trashy with an insight into how the other half live; ‘Below Deck’ – HELLO! So that is keeping me occupied on the really rubbish days (and to be fair on some of the brighter ones too!). And now I really want to charter my own yacht through the Caribbean and regularly imagine what I would put on my ‘preference sheet’ (lots of sushi, chocolate and cocktails springs to mind!).

Anyway, I digress…. The truth is I do feel a little bit more normal and like the old me since I went back to work. I refused to believe the hoards of people who said that this was likely whilst I was working myself up into an almighty panic stricken state, setting myself on a trip into the dizzy heights over overthinking, what could have been, what should have been and worrying that I no longer had the ability to do my job and had forgotten how to even filter a spreadsheet. Alas, I hadn’t and I am still very much capable of working in my procurement role. Phew.

But life is still very much a paradox of what I should be doing and regular mind chatter of how different things should be now. I should be planning a huge first birthday party for my son right now; one that would rival even the shindigs the Kardashians pull off for their spoilt offspring. But I am not. Instead I planning how the hell to get through what is going to be an incredibly difficult week in August. The whole month of August is a total write off; I already know that. But I am trying to plan some nice things to do to keep us busy and stop us from descending into the dark depths of grieving for our son and the life he didn’t get to live; a life that we would have made so perfect for him.

We have reached most of the ‘firsts’ now; the first mothers day, fathers day, both of our birthdays, Christmas, Easter, even Halloween was a teary day when I indulged in a little self torture holding onto the tiny pumpkin baby grow I had bought for what would have been my two month old son. The last of the milestones will be what should have been his first birthday and is instead also the anniversary of his death.

My son has a birth and death certificate dated on the same day – 29 August 2018. The worst day of my whole life. A date that will sting like shit for the rest of my life. A day I have encountered endless flashbacks to, whilst in the depths of insomnia, reliving the moment my whole life changed forever. Those six words that will be forever etched into my brain for as long as I live; “I’m so sorry there’s no heartbeat”. Then the hysterical screaming that left my body, producing noises I didn’t even think were possible. And then the numbness and the shock set in and I went into survival mode. Get this baby out of me, get through the physical pain and we can deal with the emotional side later.

If I thought those days in hospital would be the hardest I was hugely mistaken. For the real tragedy began when we arrived home and had to deal with the enormity of what had actually happened. The surreal-ness began to wear off and reality set in. The first couple of weeks were literally impossible to bear. I hate how everyone now uses the word ‘literally’ in completely the wrong context, conveying instances that are anything but literal, but in this case, it was literally the hardest thing to make it through the whole day. You are forced to take things hour by hour in those early days; day-by-day is simply a bridge too far.

At that point you think you will never feel any sort of normality again, that you will never smile again, never laugh again and your life is forever ruined. I was 36 and that was it, I’d had all of the enjoyment I was ever going to get from life and now this darkness and sadness had taken over.

Thankfully, there is some light at the end of the tunnel. In a life that you want to leave, rocked by inexplicable tragedy you do thankfully have the self preservation to begin to piece yourself back together and try to enjoy life again. I was determined that we would still have fun and make the most of life, we had to bridge our two lives and merge ourselves back into one person, the old and the new us. Repair those shattered hearts somehow, hearts that will never be fully mended, hearts that will always have a searing crack running through them. But there is still some hope, some light and a life worth living. In the beginning I simply couldn’t see this, I thought life was over and there was no point. I wanted to be with my son and if that couldn’t be in this life, then I might as well be where ever he went.

I am glad I was wrong about this. Propped back up by my nearest and dearest, I have seen that there is so much to carry on for. Yes, my life has changed but I do still have so many blessings to count. I might not use the shamelessly self indulgent hashtag #feelingblessed all over my Insta posts but I am so grateful for what I do have and I am so grateful for the person that Billy has made me become.

Normality is still a long way off but dealing with normal routine and life is a huge step forwards in beginning the healing process and starting the next chapters. Going back to work was the final piece of that puzzle and it is helping me move forwards. Meeting up with friends, doing things with family, planning holidays, going out for meals with Mr P – these are all parts of my old life that I didn’t ever think I would want to do again when we first lost Billy but I am pleased to say that I do still enjoy all of these things and am allowing these parts of the old me to enter the life of the new me. It helps, little steps forwards help encourage positive patterns to help you navigate normality in what are very abnormal circumstances.

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Friday feels! 🛁 Mindfulness comes in many forms and spending an hour in the tub with a book a few times a week and a few luxury bath products might sound simple but it does me the world of good. Anyone else want to drink my bath? 💖 .
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#bathbomb #bathroomdecor #cornersofmyhome #mindfulness #selfcare #bathroom #homedecor #interiordesign #lifeafterloss #babylossawareness #bloggersofinstagram #lifeafterbabyloss

A year ago today we said goodbye to Billy for the last time. At 1pm we held a very small intimate funeral for our son, a task no parent should ever have to endure. I recall thinking afterwards that although the service was lovely, it was the second worst day of my life (the day I was told he’d died will always hold that award, hands down). It was a beautiful, sunny day but it could have torrentially rained all day for all I cared. I fit the soap opera stereotype of a grieving mother perfectly. Chic little black dress, huge Chanel dark sunglasses and hair in a sleek ponytail as I mustered up some serious inner strength to get through this. I clutched onto one of Billy’s teddies in one hand, my husbands with the other whilst my mom held onto my arm the whole way through. The surrealness of being inside a hearse with a tiny white coffin with your child inside still sits with me to this day. I felt dizzy and sick and just remember reading the little name plaque on the coffin over and over again trying to calm myself down. It felt like I was having an out of body experience and sometimes, it still does. I watched as my husband carried the tiny coffin in his arms to the stand, a mixture of pride and heartbreak in equal measures. No daddy should ever have to do that and no mummy should ever see it. We listened to the John Lennon song “beautiful boy” because he was. So so beautiful. ❤️ I have always loved this song, especially the line on this post. None of us could ever begin to plan for something like this, not in our worst nightmares. .
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I forgot to share this last week but here are the leaves with the babies names who were taken too soon floating away on Billy’s birthday. The intense gale force winds made this task so much fun. 😂 We managed to have a lovely day on what should have been his birthday and had a very peaceful and relaxing week in our little cottage in Wales. I held it together really well (the days running up to it were much harder) and I’ve been expecting it all to catch up on me this week and hit me hard, but it really hasn’t. I’m feeling more positive and happy than I have done in ages. I guess it’s onwards and upwards from here! 🙌🏻💙🧡⭐️ .
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September. Used to be my favourite month of the year, it’s my birthday month after all and we get to enjoy the early autumn days where we start to wear cosy clothes and enjoy pumpkin spiced lattes! But now my birthday will always be 3 days after my son’s funeral so it’s never gonna quite be the same again. It was also Billy’s actual due date on 12 September, planned C section date on 6 September and his funeral took place on 12 September so there are a lot of milestones coming up. But you know what, I’m not gonna dwell on any of these dates. I’m going to simply let them pass by without letting this month be a write off. I’m going to enjoy my birthday this year. Mr Protein said I can have WHATEVER I want for my birthday as last years was so rubbish.... I pity the fool sometimes! 😂 I’m going to enjoy this September, go for lots of autumnal walks, splurge on a new coat and pair of ankle boots and have a really great month. Last September was so utterly horrendous for us and we got through that and I’m looking forward to the rest of this year. I’m feeling so much more positive now that we’ve got the ‘first year’ done. So here’s to a fabulous September for us all! 🍁 🍁 🍁 .
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And just like that, a whole year has gone by. Billy Stardust should be one. And if he was here, I probably wouldn’t be cruel enough to label him with Stardust in his name.... or maybe I would! This year has been the hardest we’ve ever faced. How does anyone prepare for this, let alone get over this. To carry your baby to full term, have the nursery ready, own just about every baby item ever invented thanks to a very enthusiastic nanny! And then, in a puff of smoke it’s over. Over before it ever really began. A life so short has made such a big impact. .
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I’ll always miss you little one. It’ll never be right that you aren’t here. I always wonder what you’d be like now; cheeky, mischievous, beautiful. Would you be a fussy eater or a total gannet? I bet you’d laugh non-stop, your dad and I are pretty damn funny. I know you would be too. I hope you’re not causing too much mischief up there. I don’t want to hear that you’re always on heavens naughty step when I meet you there one day. Or maybe you can be as naughty as you like up there, it is heaven after all! I promise we will make up for all the cuddles we have missed out on, I’ll never let you go when we meet again. We love you so much. I’ve struggled to say happy birthday because you should be here to join the party, but just this once, happy birthday little guy. We love you more than you could ever imagine. ❤️💙 .
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Thanks for all of the messages today from our nearest and dearest and all the DMs, the support of those around us means so much and receiving so much love today has meant a lot. 😊❤️
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For Billy’s anniversary I’ve written the names of all of the babies whose parents I’ve connected with and spoken to regularly over the last year (Can’t tag everyone Instagram has a limit on the number of tags).
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Babies who like Billy were not here for long enough, whose short lives have had the biggest impact. I cried so much when I was doing this, just seeing all of these babies names together, and this isn’t even a fraction of it. There are way too many leaves on my table. Way too many hearts broken here. But there is also a lot of strength here. An ability to fight through the pain, to carry on smiling despite a broken heart. Thank you to everyone who has supported me, made me laugh and shared a bit of dark humour with me over the past year. Thank you to our babies for bringing us together. ❤️💙 I wish so much that these leaves were still on my tree and that these babies were with our families as they should be. .
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I’m going to scatter these leaves at sea in Wales on what would have been Billy’s first birthday. I hope these little ones cross paths wherever they are and see their names floating away together. 💙💙💙
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My new Billy Bear made by one of my best friends moms, the incredibly talented @thelittlecoverup (aunty Arlene to me!). What a lovely, thoughtful gift to be given at such a difficult time. I’ll treasure him forever. 💙
@thelittlecoverup not only makes these wonderful bears, but also lovely baby clothes. Check her out! .
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