It's been nagging at me, my last post. I think what I meant to say is... I wish there were some kind of sign I could hang so people understand that it's me, not them. I have screwed up playdates and birthday party invitations because I'm forgetful and distracted. I am quite sure there are several moms in my neighborhood who think I'm a complete idiot. But they don't know. And how do you tell them? What kind of conversation is that?

I have an overwhelming need to be at home. I don't feel like cooking. I'm tired. I'm tending to my family and new puppy and that takes it all out of me. And pretending anything else feels fake.

And at the same time, I don't want to burden everyone with our loss. I don't want to be defined as 'the crazy lady with the cord-strangled-stillborn.' I know two years have passed. I feel it. I see two year olds and my heart hurts. I see my girls growing older and know that once my littlest goes to kindergarten, that's it. No more toddlers.

It's dark in here. I am working with a counselor and taking medication to help with the lows. I practice yoga. I am eating clean and intentionally. We keep busy. I recently finished the playroom and the girls are thrilled with their new, productive space. I pray, but I can't go to church yet. I weep so uncontrollably that it is very uncomfortable for me and those around me. The doctor's office terrifies me. The thought of being in a gown and being on a table paralyzes me with grief and trauma. My mind and body instantly flash back. I can't look at ultrasound photos or even think about them without welling up. I can't even go to the dentist. It's too sterile and hospital-like.

Maybe writing about it is good.

Today is Sunday. It will be beautiful and cool, a wonderful late summer treat. We might take the girls to the zoo. One day at a time, I tell you.

Comments

From a longtime reader, my heart aches for you and your precious angel - I want you to know that my family and I will be lifting you up in prayer that you find comfort and hope though you are still mourning.

Chris,
You have been through an extremely traumatic experience. It's okay to feel however you are going to feel. Period. There is a message board I know of where a small group of other women have had similiar experiences. If you would like me to point you to them, I will. Likewise maybe there is a local support group? My infertility was a totally different animal, but only women who had truly been there got it. And that helped.

Dear Chris, I can't begin to imagine how you feel, but I truly believe that when you share your feelings you are on the path towards healing. Two years is not long, it will take time to heal, so stay at home and tend to those nearest to you, everything else can wait.

Oh Chris how I wish I could be there to help. My heart aches as I remember reading that post. Just know we are all here for you. And writing about it will help. Get those feelings out; acknowledge them and take each day as it comes. And snuggle that puppy!

hi there. I haven't visited your blog in a long time, but felt compelled to leave you a note here. I think you're doing wonderfully, and you shouldn't worry about impressing anyone but yourself xox

Try not to worry what others *might* be thinking, I think people are more understanding than we realise, and if they're not, then who needs them? Also, most people are busy with their own lives to worry about anyone elses.

You are an eloquent and soulful writer. Thank you for opening up and sharing with us what is unquestionably a nightmare for you to relive each year since your dear Darcy's passing before she could grace this earth.

Do not worry about feeling like July was difficult...other moms are not going to judge you...or if they do, then they just don't understand and don't need to understand.

Hope that August continues well! Seeing Lottie grow and seeing your 3 beautiful daughters here and there on FB is such a delight! I'm glad that the Captiva Island vacation was wonderful! Hope that you stay strong and know that you are loved.