Courtney Love on Howard Stern Highlights 5/30/13

Regular Stern Show guest Courtney Love is one of Howard’s most fascinating interviews because she’s one of the last completely candid survivors of the grunge movement. She’s such an endless resource of drug and sex-related stories that transcribing nearly an hour of her comments on everything from money to her Sylvia Plath moment with Ted Nugent’s penis turkey neck didn’t bore me in the least.

The curse of the Nirvana money: “The Kurt money, the Nirvana money it’s like… the Nirvana money… and it’s being managed by other people and I just consider it cursed. So I prefer to make money that’s ‘the Courtney money.’

Krist and Dave’s share: “They own one half. The Nirvana LLC, which is t-shirts … Frances has 40% of the publishing money. Then I sold 25% and I had a really, really lousy lawyer. I don’t have to say his name so I don’t have to say ‘alleged.’ He was a f*ck. Lawyers tend to be f*cks, especially in L.A.”

Her new agent: “I have a great agent now, his name’s Jeff Franklin. He’s 70-years-old, he like invented rock. I’d like to say he’s 55, but you know, he’s older and he’s hot. He’s kinda sexy. I told him the worst thing I ever did is I go to Bellevue [hospital] on a stretcher for crack or whatever, he goes ‘Did you have fun?’ which made me love him immediately.”

Wealth management/Duff McKagan 101: “I was thinking about going to community college classes, like Duff McKagan did that. He’s an MBA now. I’m sorry, he’s two credits shy of an MBA. He woke up with an exploded pancreas and an abscess, you know, after years of excess and said ‘I’m done, I’m getting sober.’ Thought he could, because he was in Guns N’ Roses, could get into a really fancy business school, couldn’t, [so he] started going to community college. Was able to apply things immediately. Got sober, right? And now runs this thing called Meridian Rock. He’s a f*cking hero in my eyes.”

‘How did you end up doing LSD when you were three years old?’: “Four. My father gave it to me.”

Her relationship with Frances Bean Cobain: “I’m really good with my daughter right now. Really good. We email too and we phone call … it was painful when she was gone. That was like not having a limb. I haven’t been to L.A. I went and then she was doing something. She was in Chicago or something, so we missed each other. I haven’t seen her for three years … it was so extreme, it was like restraining order and dadadada. She doesn’t really know what went down. She was surrounded by… how does a 20-year-old need three assistants and four law firms and two accountants?”

Frances’ future in the entertainment industry: “She got offered like, you know, this modeling job. I mean major prestige modeling stuff and major prestige movies. When she was 13 she was offered Twilight. She was offered Bella in Twilight. That’s a true story. Somebody just saw a picture of her in a magazine and sent me the script for Twilight. She was like ‘That’s a sexist Mormon piece of sh*t’ … She was thirteen. It would have destroyed her life … She doesn’t want anything to do with being Kurt Cobain’s daughter or Courtney Love’s daughter.”

The so-called “Nirvana reunion”: “I was given incorrect information. Krist and Dave can sing a song with Paul McCartney all they want. I don’t give a sh*t. But I thought they were doing a Nirvana song with Paul McCartney which I thought was kinda cheeseball.”

“Is that a new tattoo on your arm, ‘Let It Bleed?’ it says, is that old or new?: That one I got right with the whole Frances trauma. It’s a bad Rolling Stones song, but it’s a good title. I don’t know, It was like, in the middle of the night in the East Village. I got a tattoo the way you’re supposed to. I wasn’t gonna get it like a poser. Like plan it out and like go over your drawing. It should be in the East Village, it should be by a sailor who doesn’t know what the f*ck he’s doing and then you get it cleaned up by one of those trendy guys later. That’s the proper way to do it.”

Crack cocaine/Bellevue Hospital: “I hated it. I know I called in a lot and was out of my mind, but back then remember you were still on 92.3 and they didn’t have TMZ, so I didn’t get in all that crazy Lohan trouble. I got taken to Bellevue and that was the end of the crack … Going to Bellevue was a pretty easy way to get someone off crack. I saw hermaphrodites you know, black, white, with fecal matter talking to Satan, maniacal to the wall. I didn’t need to see that sh*t.”

Photographic moment in history: The first time Courtney Love ever did heroin.

Heroin: “Back in ’90s we all shot heroin. Ask Navarro, ask Barry, ask Flea. We all shot heroin … I didn’t do it myself, I had someone else do it … I didn’t like the smell. I always had a dude do it. Or Jennifer Finch. No offense Jennifer.”

“Courtney Love is Jewish?”: “Yeah, like the name ‘Love…’ It’s a fake name, Howard. It was Harrison when I was born, but my grandmother on my mother’s side is Jewish. And it’s Jewban. She’s a Jewish Cuban. And it’s a weird long name that was changed.”

Her mother, Linda Carroll: “[She] writes books about me and sh*it. I don’t talk to her or the other crazy ones.”

Hipster porn: “There’s a whole sort of artsy movement like Williamsburg hipster porn. You know that show Girls? There’s like, girls that look like that, that are kind of not afraid to show their jiggleparts and they’re wearing horn-rimmed glasses and have kind of greasy hair. Like from an Urban Outfitters catalogue.”

Feud with Dave Grohl: “There’s no Yoko thing here. It’s not like ‘Oh, we hate each other because the band broke up.’ It’s because there’s a financial situation.”

Feud w/ former Hole member Eric Erlandson: “He stole 74 guitars from me and Frances. No it’s not alleged. It’s a factual thing … 18 of them were left-handed and were Kurt’s and have serial numbers that matched Kurt’s. He took a bunch of crates and then he put them in storage and he won’t give them back and then he wants to do a reunion tour.”

Kurt’s last days: “He was weak. We were on good terms, he was just really weak. He couldn’t think of anything but drugs.”

Rock is dead: “It would have disturbed him [Kurt] to have to live through Limp Bizkit. I can say that with authority. Limp Bizkit was kind of the end. ”

Lindsay Lohan: “I barely know her. I’ve spoken to her directly twice. And then through an intermediary because she kept blabbing about this. It was getting planted everywhere. All I said was she should dye her hair back to red.”

Amanda Bynes: “I wrote ‘Pull it together dude’ [to her on Twitter]. It’s actually a term of endearment when you call a chick a dude. I wrote okay, pull it together dude and then she wrote that I’m ugly which rolls off my back like water. When I was 14 I was so homely and I thought I was Kate Moss. Ugly seems to be her favorite word.”

Her next move: “I’m gonna do a big TV show. I’m not saying what it is … It’s a pretty done deal.”

Sex with Ted Nugent at age 14: “It’s in my book. I said it on the show. It’s true … There was a line of underage girls who had to go in there. And [it was] the first c*ck I’d ever seen and it was like this giant, ugly, nasty, gnarly thing. I can’t compare now. You know how Disneyland looks really big when you’re little? It could have been teeny for all I know. All I know is that I was in a yellow tube top with little rosebud boobies and I should not have been in that room.”

The View: “I like The View because Whoopi’s on The View and she’s a freak and I love her. As long as there’s a freak around, I’m cool. And the rest of them are really nice to me.”

Exploding implants in Perth: “I was sitting with a tambourine and I was toplesss in Australia and I exploded one boob.” exploding

Plastic surgery: “I haven’t had a fill in like four years. I did it and I looked like a pillow. I mean, I had botox six years ago and it prevents the lines from from coming but my family, they’re not attractive and they get fat. I got my nose done. I had those crazy lifts and I had to get the lifts fixed. I blew [my lips] up. I undid it, didn’t I? This is like, real right now. I was living in Beverly Hills and I was on a lot of pills and I just got caught up in that sh*t. You know, like just wanting to look like a trout.”