Tuesday, October 12, 2010

the only Mrs. X

Dear ESB,

I need to have a serious talk with my fiance about our last names. It's definitely not as simple as it sounds. He's divorced with a child and his ex has kept his last name, mostly because it's the child's last name too. Am I wrong to ask to be the only Mrs. X? The kiddo is starting school soon and I don't want there to be two Mrs' for multiple reasons; mostly, I'm staking my claim: This is my man, my family! I'm worried he'll just shoot my request down or won't say anything to her and I'll be left in this confusing and frustrating position. How should I go about this, if at all? Am I being irrational?

Thanks in advance for any advice,
MJMA

*****

Dear MJMA (WTF does that stand for, b/t/w?),

Yes, you are being irrational. Quite irrational. And you're doing nothing to endear yourself to the first Mrs. X, who, like it or not, will be in your life for the foreseeable future since she and Mr. X have a kid together.

The way I see it, you have three choices. You can

a) Share the name. The way first and second (and third) wives have done since the advent of divorce.
b) Keep your own damn name.
or
c) Choose a new name that you and your man will both take when you get married. Rather than a confusing hyphenate, why not go with something catchy like Mr. & Mrs. Mamajama? Or Mr. & Mrs. Megajackpotmachine?

I would just hyphenate mine.... if there weren't a kid involved, I'd tell the woman to step off. However, as ESB said, she's not going anywhere and has a decent enough reason to keep things the way they are. Maybe when the kid is older things will change. Until then, this isn't a huge concession.

Uh, you aren't the only Mrs. X anyways, provided that your future husband has a mother that shares his last name.

I can see where the squeamish-ness comes in (it feels a little polygamous if you let yourself think about it too much) but you just have to stop thinking about it. You will look completely insane if you attempt to wrest the name from the previous wife, especially if she's only keeping it because of the child.

If you are all about staking your claim, convince your husband to take your last name. Up the ante, woman.

LOL...I agree...hilarious post and also, you can't ask someone to change their name because you want to "stake claim." It makes sense that it bugs...I think it would bug me too but sucking it up would avoid killing any hope at a relationship with his ex.

Agreed. And as a kid of divorced parents, let me tell you it is about 160000x easier to not have to explain to your teachers/doctors/in laws that you have a different last name than your mother. And father. And siblings for that matter. So, *tear*, do it for the children.

On a philosophical level, I'm also a little skeeved at the thought of "staking claim" to my husband. Does this involve impaling him with a flag of some sort?

Dude, SERIOUSLY?!?! If you feel you need to be the "only Mrs X" and "stake your claim", it sounds like you got yourself into the wrong marital situation. Besides, she isn't Mrs Anything! They are DIVORCED.

And PS, ask any successful blended family member and you will find out that in order to make it work she will be your family, too. You're going to have to share a whole hell of a lot more than a name with this woman. You have to share the most important part of her life: her kid. There will be a whole lot of sucking it up, so I suggest you start now.

The real problem here is you are feeling totally threatened by your dude's ex. Can't say I blame you - having a kid with someone is pretty intense, and even if the love is gone, there is still that lifelong bond which can be intimidating (I speak from experience, having had a longterm relationships with someone who had a child). But seeing that the ex is going to be around for the next bizillion years, I'd say that's a bigger issue than the name. It's time to nuke the weirdness. Do it now, before the wedding. Invite his ex out for dinner and drunken karaoke and compare notes. It will be hilar, I promise.

But this is how I roll: Keep your own damn name. Unless his is better than yours, in which case switch for aesthetic reasons. I don't get the whole "I have to have the same name as my husband and children" thing - who cares? It. doesn't. fucking. matter. Kisses!

My mother kept her name after my parent's divorced... in order to share the same last name with me. I'm grateful that she did and now that I'm all grown up... she has no plans to change it back. She has had the last name for the majority of her life after all. I'm sure it is difficult to have a partner with a child but the kid comes first... ... so hopefully it is something that you can live with. And you and your fiancé have zero control over what his ex does anyway. My vote...Keep your last name and give your kids both your last names (like they do in Latin American countries)

I've heard it's usually proper that the mom after the divorce keep the same last name as the child's until she gets re-married of course. Once and if she gets re-married she won't have the same last name. So that issue may only be temporary anyway. I say get over it and wait it out, keep your own name, or use both of yours (unless it just sounds terrible together and doesn't mesh)

My ma kept my dad's surname after they split since she hated her maiden name and all 3 of us kids had the same surname. Now, 10 years post divorce and him getting remarried (and new wife and step-kid all adopting the surname) my mama finally decided to go back to her maiden name. I think the crunch was 1. when she called my dad and his wife -- who has a very similar first name to my mum -- answered with her full name and 2. when my maternal grandmother died.

mum keeps announcing every few months to us "so, i'm going to change my surname. is that ok!?" as if we care or think this will change our family.

Cept she still answers the phone saying "hi this is blah marriedname, wait i mean, no, this is blah maidenname, crap".

get a grip. your name and her name and his name have nothing to do with your relationship and how strong it is and how confident you are in it. if all of this bothers you that much, you should reexamine some things.

hahaha I just keep picturing the conversation between her future husband and the original Mrs. X in which he asks her to change her last name (which is a MOUNTAIN of paperwork and a humongous bitch) so his fiance feels less insecure.

Um, have you ever tried to change your last name? It's a mountain of paperwork, legal issues, and time and energy. Did I mention time??? Loans, leases, driving lisences, ID cards, taxes, work identities, cc's, bank accounts, usps... you see the point. Oh, how I HATED the process. And as annoying as it might seem, you really don't have to right to "stake claim" to the name. You've already claimed the guy by marrying him, and he's the important part right? And besides, that has been her name for much longer than you. Give it up and focus on other stuff. You're the new Mrs, own it.

PS. This is coming from someone who married a divorced man as well, so I get it.

Um. Also? She's Ms. X, since she's no longer married to the guy. His MOM would be the other Mrs. X, if there is one.

Last names are not unique no matter what you do. And you can't really stake a claim, his kids kinda already did that... which is why the ex kept her name (something I'm sure she didn't do because whe wanted to stay attached to the guy, for gods sake).

Haa. Sounds like you have some coming-to-terms-with-the-fact-you're-marrying-a-divorcé-and-father to be getting on with. Talk to him about how you're feeling, but don't go making requests of anyone else about what they do with their names. You only get to choose what you do with your name, focus your energies on that.

Meg - I'd be surprised if this woman calls herself Ms, even though that's technically 'right.' If she kept his name when they divorced, she probably still calls herself Mrs. (Going on the evidence of the many divorced mothers I know who kept the name... although they are mostly in their 50s/60s and Ms is probably used less here than in US. But, anyway... would be interesting to know, actually.)

i'm going to give it to you from the kid's perspective. my mom married my step-dad when i was seven, giving her a new last name and a step-brother and half sister that all shared that last name. in other words, i was the only person in my family with my last name. as an adult, i can say that that's not the biggest deal, but kids' brains don't work that way. i constantly felt like an outsider. my step-dad ended up adopting me, which in all honesty, i wish wasn't the case, but for me it was just a bit of a lose lose situation. bottom line, let the kid have the same last name as his mom; it's the respectful and right thing to do.

here's some more food for thought... if you're marrying a man who has a child with another woman, there's A LOT you're going to have to sacrifice. i know you think he's "your man, your family", but he's already got a family... for life. some people have two or more families, and "your man's" one of them. it would be in your best interest to step aside from time to time.

your feelings are the "confusing and frustrating" part of all of this. take these thoughts, and head to some premarriage counseling, as it sounds like there are some underlying issues.

i can't imagine a conversation like that going well. in fact, all i hear is "you've got to be kidding me!" and a door slam.

it's not like you are the first woman to ever marry a divorced man with a child. talk to some people about it. read some books. she is now part of your life, so best to start off on the right foot. for you and your husband.

I agree with maura. I think you should think about pre-marital counseling. If you can't do that, you're going to need to have some serious conversations with your future husband about your insecurities and expectations. There's nothing wrong with building your family- it's exciting and necessary. But you need to acknowledge that you're not his only family.

Unrelated to the post (because you all hit the nail on the head) but just to clarify: a Ms. is ALWAYS a Ms. Married or unmarried. Ms. was a (IMO GREAT) invention of the feminist movement. The old school way is to be a Miss unmarried and a Mrs. married. But a man is always a Mr. Thus the advent of the Ms.

LoveMs. Lindsey M Nelson (did not change my name upon marrying. My kids have my last name as their middle name, the most realistic and practical solution we could find in our culture).

as to keeping the name for the sake of the kids: my mom never had the same name as me or my siblings, simply because she kept her own surname! and I've never had a problem with that, still don't. Just some (traditional, not-out-of-the-box-thinking people still ask why)I made the same choice, I kept my own surname.

Just to say you don't have to do it for the kids, keep your own name anyway, so you'll never have that problem! Or both of your names is a good option too (although my Husband to be didn't like that idea)

I thought I had name problems!!(First name is Jennifer, new last name will be Smith. It will sound like I live in a Pottery Barn catalougue!!)Anyways... I would defintely suggest that she figures out WHY she is so insecure about PTA moms opinions on being wife number 2. It is sooo common these days, and she should just worry about the important things in life, like having a healthy relationship...

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