21 July 2010

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It's probably some Lonely. CV is wise to advise me not to discount the Lonely.

But I do think that it's mostly arriving, for the first time in my life, at the point that I've been trying to get to without even really meaning to or knowing it. Is my life what I envisioned? Not really. Am I happy all the time? Certainly not. Will unexpected things happen that will shake it all up? Almost certainly.

But for the first time ever, I'm not deliberately living in the future. I'm not planning the Next Big Thing. I don't plan to move, at least not any further than across town and currently not even that. I don't plan to change jobs. I'm here, living this life, trying to enjoy what I have, nothing more, nothing less.

I know people who thrive on drama, who seek to create drama in their lives because without it, they don't know what to do. I'm not like that. Drama? No thanks. But I do handle change better than the average person, to the point that in the past, I have sought it out rather than become a victim of the fate of living in a rut. I think at least some of my recent unease comes from realizing that even in the rut, there are bumps in the road. I am not less of a person, no less strong or capable, if there are times in my life when the road is relatively smooth, when I let it guide me rather than clearing a new path just because I can. Just being is a challenge sometimes, a challenge for now, and a joy in many moments.

I've written the same post four times in the past week. Different words that arrive at the same conclusion, all pushing me towards peace with the fact that this is what I have, this life, right now. It's good. It's enough.

8 comments:

Wonderful posts. (All of them, and they're not all the same, though they may be about, sort of, the same thing. You're letting us into your process, before you've "figured it out." Which is great.)

For me, it took becoming a widower for me to finally get kicked in the ass enough to really get the idea of "living in the moment," of being "present." It took the most brutal of examples to realize that destinations are not real; that all we have is the journey. Well, not "all"--dreams, goals, aspirations and all the rest are great. But it's like you said, to not be "future focused"--that's the deal. And for a planner and a worrier like me (Oi, my mother's worse!), that's a huge deal.

I used to have mental pictures of 5 years out, 10, 15, etc. Now? Not so much. And right here, right now, looks OK.

It's true. I've had the drama, the tragedy & death (child), too much too do, etc.... it's all tiresome. I'm now trying to simplify my life. Occasionally, I run into someone who gets me rammed up into thinking "I'm not doing enough," "I could do that better!" You know. Lately, I'm able to calm myself down & think...."hmmmm, do I really what to do that???" The answer is usually "NO!"Then, my child & I go to the garden or take a ride on the bike or read a book & all is right in the world!

I'm also someone a bit addicted to change. I think you can always recognize people like us: we're never the folks who stayed in their same small town their whole lives! I've changed jobs, changed careers, moved around, etc. (In a totally non-flighty way, I hope!)

We're a bit more settled now, too, and it's kind of a weird feeling. I, too, struggle to find non-dramatic, non-flighty ways to feed my need for change. It's why I do things like write a novel, or try out new cooking styles, or find some weird activity for the kids and me to try.

Funny how I've recently come to the same conclusion that it's okay not to always be paving new roads just because I always have been able to and also that even sitting in the rut, hoping and praying for a little boring, a little bit of smooth road, a little bit of under the radar, a bit of a breather from life (I've got seven kids, yet vigorously pursued a running hobby, first degree black belt in karate and had been working on 2nd degree, a business, then another, taking in kids here and there from overseas for different summers) there still come bumps. They seem to find a person!!! Now I actually just force myself to just stop and LIVE...this is my life and I love it! I do not need MORE!! :)