Deadliest Bloodsucker: Tick vs Vampire

The world is full of bloodsuckers. Some are larger than others, and some have eight legs. The vampire is a creature of the dark: Widow’s peak, sharp fangs, and velvet cape—the gentle pressure of sunlight causes these pale-skinned bloodsippers to explode into flames.

Ticks are 20-million-year-old arachnids, and they were evolutionary designed to chug the red stuff inside your veins. But…

…which is the deadliest bloodsucker?

Battle of the Bloodsuckers

Listen…there are many depictions and adaptations of vampires. We don’t have time to piss and moan about the specifics, so let’s concentrate on the basic mythology, alright? Fantastic.

Allergic to sunlight

Sleeps in a coffin

Transforms into a bat

Ability to Hypnotize

No reflection

Hates garlic and silver (We’ll ignore this one…everyone loves garlic)

Yes—a mythological vampire can rip someone’s head clean off their spine, but let’s assume this hypothetical vampire is not a murderous asshole. Ticks are unable to provide the necessary torque required to rip a head off a spine, so let’s also keep things in their proper context. Thank you.

This hypothetical vampire just wants to live a nocturnal life, loitering at the local cemetery, sippin’ a few brewskis with his pale friends, and not have to worry about someone jamming a wooden stake through his heart.

Shrink down low and examine a tick’s special powers. Prepare to be horrified.

Immune to sunlight

Tiny and sneaky

Patient

Ability to smell potential victims

Ability to sense heat

Can transmit a variety of diseases, or other harmful health effects

A typical tick perches on blade of grass, or perhaps a stem, and waits for…well…how ever long it takes for a walking bloodbag to waltz through a prairie. Hours. Days. Weeks. Who knows. Ticks are skillful at killing many things, including time, so patience is a virtue they understand very well.

Ticks also have an inherent special ability:

Painless bites

As mundane as that lovely characteristic seems to be—if you’re not aware that a tick is sucking your blood, then you’re also not aware of the potential pathogens declaring war inside your body.

A typical vampire may be able to suck on a clueless victim’s neck, but it wouldn’t be easy. And there’s the chance of a pesky neighbor seeing the vampire wrap its fangs around someone’s thigh, right? Ticks are able to chug blood, while you’re busting a move at the hottest nightclub in town.

You can be suckin’ down colorful shots of your favorite alcoholic poison, while a tick is sippin’ your blood as if it were a pinot noir red wine. Tasty. Dracula may be smooth, but he’s not that smooth. Your friends would let you know if a creepy pale dude was biting your neck, and if no one is willing to do that for you, then get new friends. Immediately.

Transforming into a bat can potentially be less conspicuous, however, people don’t like bats, and no shit, Sherlock—they’re much larger than ticks. The tiniest bat is still many times fatter than the biggest tick. Think about that.

There are sickos who want to get bitten by a vampire, but no one wants to get bitten by a tick…and for good reason. Sure. Vampirism offers a handful of shitty side effects, like having a severe allergic reaction to sunlight, for example. Vampires also have a variety of really cool perks, though.

There’s nothing cool about being bitten by a tick. Everything is bad.

A vampire explodes into flames during the day, which is a major hindrance, but a smart vampire would sacrifice $3.29 to purchase sunblock. Problem solved.

Ticks are more complicated—a healthy diet full of antibiotics won’t keep you safe.

Symptoms can be subtle, or imperceptible. Lyme disease may or may not induce a bull’s-eye rash, which means an infected individual would have to wait until they experience a severe or generalized malady, which is just a fancy way of saying they’d have to feel like shit before realizing something was wrong.

According to ‘The Lost Boys’, turning into a vampire, indeed, causes a variety of strange symptoms. Hey, man, just toss on some shades and wear a black leather jacket. Problem solved. When was the last time a vampire spent the night in their coffin, because they had a bout of vertigo, or cerebral palsy? Exactly.

My Number Is Bigger Than Yours

There are a million ticks, just hopscotch through their habitat and see what happens (don’t forget to check your hair!). Everyone underestimates the likelihood of encountering a tick. Ticks are quite common—if everyone knew the numbers—no one would never leave their house. Never.

Vampires hardly exist.

You can walk outside and safely assume a vampire won’t take a swig from your vein. Sure. Shit happens, of course, but a meteorite could also tumble from space and smack you straight across the head, however, that never stopped you from going outside (…right?).

We all have to take risks, but there’s a real possibility of encountering a tick, and it wouldn’t be considered unusual, either. Tell your doctor that a vampire clamped down on your thigh, and you’ll be prescribed a bottle of pills.

Ticks can’t thrive everywhere, though. Vampires are pale, cold and nocturnal, so they don’t mind snuggling inside a subzero coffin, or sunbathing in a beam of arctic moonlight. Tick populations are heavily concentrated in certain parts of the world. Cold, hot, and everything in between—vampires don’t mind the snow or palm trees—they adapt to their current environment. Apparently.

Even though tick populations are much larger, the versatility of a vampire balances the bloody scale.

Burn the Suckers!

Vampires and ticks have something in common: nobody likes them. Bloodsuckers have been ostracized since the beginning of time. And for good reason. There’s only one solution for something that spreads disease—death.

Ticks, my oh my, people hate ticks. Death by fire is a popular choice, and a more demeaning form of death involves being flushed down a dirty toilet. When was the last time a vampire was flushed down a toilet? Think about it.

No one needs fancy tools to exterminate a tick. Lighters or toilets will do the job, and that’s why ticks devote all their effort into not being seen.

You can’t just whip out your Zippo and set a vampire’s velvet cape ablaze, right? Of course not! No one could intimidate Nosferatu with a set of tweezers. Exterminating a vampire is risky business. Innocent bloodbags hire specialized bounty hunters to do their dirty work… Expensive? Well…do ticks shit in the woods?

Your physician won’t punch a wooden stake through a vamp’s chest, but they’ll happily imprison a tick inside a Petri dish. Physicians don’t want to bleed all over their fashionable lab coat.

Vampires are a pain in the neck and they don’t even have to bite you.

Look into My Eyes and Tell Me What You See

Ticks are stealthy. Everybody knows that. You know what’s even better? Hypnotism, baby! Yeah, that’s right, imagine being able to stare into someone’s soul and then command them to do your laundry or something. Yeah. Imagine that. Vampires can do that and much, much, much more.

A tick could be the most stealthy bloodsucker in the universe, but it can’t charm the pants off its victim. Vampires can do that and much, much, much more. What’s a tick gonna do? Buy a tasty alcoholic beverage for the blonde bloodbag sitting at the bar? Please.

You don’t want to know what happens if you invite a vampire into your home. Trust me.

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Love the article! I have been bitten more than once. Actually, last summer I got a bite under my knee. These are the bloody little suckers motherbrothers. I also personally know some people who were partially paralyzed and had to support their head with their hands for a good couple of months. That’s some good monster story!

In 1979 I had had a prolonged hospital stay and there was that young guy who would walk in the yard holding his chin with his hand because his head kept falling onto his chest. His face was also deformed because of paralysis, but he was back to normal in a couple of months. I also know another person who was left partly paralyzed forever.

Thanks for sharing your experience. Never trust a tick. My doctor initially thought I had a form of leukemia but was hesitant to make that kind of diagnosis. I mentioned that my leg was swollen, and then he tested my blood for Lyme disease. Fun times!

Thank you for the great and scary info! 🙂 Any bloodsucker is terrifying, but ticks… I always was afraid if them! Big time! Vampires? They can give you immortality, that’s why I would like to befriend one 😛
P.s. are we going to have continuation of this story, where we voted to throw rock, run or hide?