DAY TWENTY-FOUR

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Kind words

It’s not something I’m proud of, and it’s not something I will readily admit most days. But I am. I grew up with yellers. And it’s how I’ve learned to get someone’s attention, whether it’s my husband, my kids, or someone caught in the crossfire.

I don’t yell at everyone. I rarely yell at strangers. I rarely yell in public. (I do write a sharp letter every so often though laying my feelings out on the line.) Those I am most likely to yell at are those closest to me.

Last spring I received a phone call that opened my eyes to the destruction yelling was doing to my family. I own a web design and development company, and this client wanted a blog about her challenge, the Orange Rhino Challenge she called it, to stop yelling at her FOUR kids… for a whole year. I admittedly thought she was crazy. In some ways I admired this challenge. In other ways, I thought it was… well, wrong isn’t the right word. It’s not that I admired yelling, it’s just that I looked at it as my parenting tool. I don’t spank my kids, so I still needed a way to let them know they were in trouble.

The thing is, yelling wasn’t really all that effective. I’ve always said that I felt like spanking didn’t really teach my kids anything and teaching was the ultimate goal of discipline… and the biggest tool in the parenting toolbox. Spanking to me was about release of anger for the parents. When I considered it, yelling didn’t really teach anything either and was more about me than my kids. Sure, it made me feel better for about half a second, at which point I got even angrier about whatever I was yelling about.The more I thought about it though, I realized that yelling was my spanking. And that didn’t make me feel very good.

My goal was to try to avoid yelling for the entire 25 day challenge; if our client could do it for a year, surely I could make it 25 days. And then Sunday happened (a whole day and a half – go me!). Family drama ensued. And we all raised our voices. And we all ended up feeling really badly. A day, surely I could do it for a day. I set myself up today, prepared mentally to not yell. And yet, I woke up this morning and my day started off like it always does: I’m awake, my husband isn’t, the four year old comes into our room and immediately hurts himself and starts crying for a band-aid for the cut the size of a poppy seed and then the baby starts crying and needs to be held and changed, and it’s already 7:20 and my son needs to be at school by 8:30, and the dogs still need to be let out and fed, and the kids need to be dressed and fed, and… well, my mornings are really challenging. I felt myself getting worked up. I had been awake for twenty minutes and already had forgotten about the challenge. I was starting to raise my voice. I caught myself. I breathed and remembered and calmed down and didn’t yell.

It’s ok, Brooke.

I found this quote yesterday and it has been playing through my head all day: “Raise your words, not your voice. It’s rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” Raise your words. Raise your thoughts.

It’s so easy, I think, for us to get caught up in our chaos, and even as we slow down and do for others, we forget about the smallest (and yet the most powerful) part of our day: our thoughts. Kind thoughts breed kind words that make kind actions. Kindness starts with our thoughts. Today, think kind thoughts. Speak kind words. Grow flowers.

130 thoughts on “Kind words”

What’s not to love about this post? It is spot on. Great quote. I think changing my thoughts has been more than half the battle. It works wonders. Whether it’s “I’m not mad at my son just mad at my mom :)” or “it’s just spilled juice no point yelling” it helps. Good luck. I have faith. You do some pretty amazing things I believe you can yell less and love more ne moment at a time

I found myself today getting worked up about Dan not being on time to K’s school performance. I looked at my sister-in-law and said, “It’s not going to make him get here any faster if I get angry, is it?” Just being aware of the yelling makes it easier to change it.

Thank you for this profoundly moving and honest post.The quote you shared and your personal story resonate deeply with me. This could not have come at a better time. I have made great progress in the past few years with keeping my calm in times of frustration and exasperation with my children, but I am always looking for reminders — reminders to keep me focused on building my children up, not breaking them down. You have given us all a gift today by sharing your meaningful revelation. I have no doubt this will change a child’s day … or possibly his or her life. I have shared it with my friends on “The Hands Free Revolution” FB page because it is the essence of letting go to grasp what really matters. I cannot thank you enough.

I lay in bed each night beating myself up for all the ways I failed as a mother to my 3 and 5 year old, most of those failures include yelling, sometimes, screaming. I appreciate this post and think the kind thoughts should start with myself at night and hopefully transcend into my respect for my children. I take the challenge and accept the journey. Thank you! And Thank you, Rachel and the Hands Free Revolution[

It has taken me nearly nine months to get to a place where I can even begin to accept this challenge. Just being aware, just wanting to change my thoughts and my words has made such a huge difference in my ability to stay calm. I still found myself yelling today, but it was so much easier to stop myself and redirect my focus to where it really needed to be.

And stay tuned for a post on being kind to ourselves because that’s a HUGE challenge for me.

Wow, I cannot thank you enough for your complete and utter honesty! As a single mom of a 2 yr old, frustration is usually the theme throughout my days. I’m a yeller and a spanker, however, I yell way more. I think my son has already gotten so used to it that it doesn’t even faze him. But I’ve noticed that when I actually sit and talk to him HE GETS IT. I’m just so programmed to raise my voice

I really understand the automatic reaction part. It is so easy for us to become overwhelmed, which is when the yelling starts for me, and even when I know the train is about to wreck, I have felt in the past powerless to stop it. But I am learning (slowly) that this is possible.

“I realized that yelling was my spanking” gobsmacked me upside the head. It actually put a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye. Thank you for showing me that simple, painful truth. I will try to raise my words, I know that, I know words. I will try to raise my thoughts as well, although that is a tough paradigm shift.
It’s a lovely, heartfelt post that will surely resonate in me and many others.

It’s one of those truths that you try to ignore until you can’t anymore, I think. And I’m right there with you on how challenging that shift is. I believe that coming together as moms, sharing the challenges, lifting each other up is a huge start to creating a world where we can more readily start with kind thoughts.

There’s an amazing book by Julie-Ann Barnhill called “She’s gonna Blow” – it has blessed me and so many other mums who struggle with anger… Honestly if you want a book that will change how you see yourself, and how you see your children – and if you’re over beating yourself up every night for every time you have lost it with your kids – then this is the book for you.

Wow. What an awesome post. I appreciate your honesty. I, too, am a yeller, and it’s really been bothering me a lot lately. I like the idea of changing your thoughts and telling yourself “does it really matter?” or “is yelling and getting mad going to help?”. It is difficult when it’s your gut reaction to yell, though. Thank you for your post.

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