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Friday, February 1, 2008

OH MY GOODNESS

So i'm cleaning out my storage space in my apt and i found a box of cds.... and in the box of CDs is a disc labeled "Kill Hannah in NYC july 2003 photos". I put it in to see the pictures... and HOLY SHIT.

PHOTOGRPAHIC EVIDENCE OF WHY I STARTED THIS BLOG!

OK, so I know I had a chubby phase which i may or may not still be in... but these photos showed off a VERY CHUBBY phase. Like, maybe 20lbs more than I weigh now. My face is totally bloated with beer, my body is bloated... even my feet are bloated! This was during the height of my partying and going out every night with Greg and Raphael (aka the Boyfriends). We would go to all the open bars, get totally wasted, and make out with each other. Meanwhile, my body was slowly expanding and I look unrecognizable. I frantically aimed Karen last night when I found them, freaking out. I couldnt believe how blind I was to my unhealthy behavior when it was staring at me in the face.

While cleaning my storage area, I found tons of bags of clothes filled with size 10 clothes. I couldnt understand why i had size ten clothes in my pocession. I just held them up and looked puzzled as I organized them in a donation pile. Now I know. What the fuck.

All those blog posts with people saying i looked gross were right.

Holy fucking shit.

Meanwhile, I was making out all over town with every dude, having the time of my life. But oh my god. I dont even want to share these photos because they're sooo ... I just look totally unhealthy. I have no problem with healthy weight gain. No problem at all. But this is straight up bloat. I think the reason why I was able to go out every night and party til 4am each evening was:1. I was drinking 8 beers at least an evening. So i was basically blind drunk. I found photos where my eyes are close, but i'm standing or dancing.2. I must've been storing reserved energy in the bloat/fat like a camel.3. The music scene was really awesome then.4. I was definitely chasing/running from something.

Here's a photo... mind you, this is a more flattering one... with Greg and Raphael:

It's good to look back and see with an unflinching eye where you were when you realized your life was unmanageable because of drinking. Don't regret the past or wish to shut the door on it! It will keep you sober. The minute you forget how fucked up you were is when you think one drink can't hurt. I'm proud of you. This blog takes guts and will keep you focused on what's important. Don't give up.

As a person who's been reading this blog since 2003 (or whenever it started), I don't think you physically ever had anything to worry about. You always looked totally stunning in pics, even the really fucked up ones. Your 20s are the time to get fucked up and make out with strangers and eat bad food. I went through the same phase in my 20s, when I was younger and skinnier. My co-conspirator at the time was 60 pounds heavier and she always got luckier than I did. But don't be ashamed, be proud. You've accomplished quite a lot in that time.

And and as a fellow short girl, I can agree that carrying an extra 20 pounds (healthy or unhealthy) is harder for us than our taller friends.

Thats a shame you're leaving. It was a last minute thing for me to come and I didn't get a chance to warn people ahead of time. I'll be back though. Have fun on the trip and hopefully the timing can work out better next time.

i was a size 10 back in 2003 too..bordering on 12. Now i'm a size 6 and when I look back i do realize what a whale i looked like in the pics. It was all from drinking too.. it's like u said..it was all bloat and my face was huge. Never again...now i only drink liqour lol

As my (oh so wise) mother used to say, it's all ages and stages. I had a time like that in my life too, back in 1974 & '75. Out all night dancing to "Bennie and the Jets" and "I Shot the Sheriff", breakfast at the Wagon Wheel, then straight into work on no sleep. Lazy summer afternoons sliding into hot nights, with a row of Rhine wine & seltzers lined up on the bar in front of me, that I won at Pong. (I ruled at Pong.) Almost running away to San Diego with my alcoholic boyfriend. I look back on it with a weird mixture of horror, disapproval, nostalgia, and a touch of awe. I'm glad I survived it, glad it didn't last any longer than it did... but also glad I lived it. And as you well know, there's a dance in the old dame yet. ;-)

HAHAHA...Um. Sarah is not, nor ever has been a "cokehead". But please go on thinking that because it creeps the hell out of me that people have her name on a "list" of any sort and I'm happy for any reason to remove her name from this creepy list.

This whole comments thread reads like it was written by a bunch of puritanical church going grannies.

Seriously, I can't think of a great musician that HASN'T done cocaine. Even Charlie Parker was a heroin addict.

Sarah is really quite tame and in control, even at her wildest she was never reckless. I always recall her being quite together, even when drunk and she was never ever even close to the least sober person in the room. On a NYC scale of recklessness, she was a 5/10, max.

Of course, an NYC 5 is a 27/10 in Kansas. But thats cuz you all are dull dull people who will soon enough be just another forgotten name on a tombstone. Thats the fate of 99% of us all, but at least someone of us try to live a bit in the meantime instead of living life as one big, "Just Say No" commercial.

i'm not calling anyone fat or trying to make people think they were fat. i, however, was unhealthy. I was bloated from drinking excessively. LIke i said, it's one thing to be a bigger person, but it's another thing to be big because you have contaminated your body with alcohol and carbs. During 2002/3/4, i was drinking at LEAST 6 beers a night until I was blackout drunk, and in the morning I would eat a ham-less egg mcmuffin while thinking I wasnt being totally bad to my body because at least I was riding my bike 5 miles each day.

"Of course, an NYC 5 is a 27/10 in Kansas. But thats cuz you all are dull dull people who will soon enough be just another forgotten name on a tombstone. Thats the fate of 99% of us all, but at least someone of us try to live a bit in the meantime instead of living life as one big, "Just Say No" commercial."

Wow, that didn't come off the least bit douchey or condescending to anyone outside of NYC.

Oh, its totally douchey. But, I've also lived outside of NYC in a number of cities. Its not coming from inside the NYC world. Its coming from over a decade of living outside of NYC compared to the decade I've lived in NYC (yeah, I'm old).

But, I also dislike NYC in a number of ways, and I think the alcoholic and party nature of NYC is bad for the soul in many ways, but, either way, the simple fact is, to live their hard make most places else in the US seem like Romper Room. Its not a world thing by any means. many places in the world do it up much crazier, but for the US, yeah, maybe its condescending, but its more likely to be true than not.

I've lived in enough cities to know that normal people don't randomly end up spending the end of their Saturday night rubbing a 40 year old's transvestite's nipples for spare cash isn't your run of the mill Kansas City crazy night out.

There is a reason people read Sarah's blog, and that is because life IS different in NYC. It might not be better, and I'd agree that in general, the priorities are messed up (if you let them be), but your chanced of living next door to a sketchy coke bar, etc. are all much higher there than in the half-dozen other places I've lived in my adult life.

Spend 10 years in NYC and then compare the before and after. If then, you still think its condescending to think NYC is a bit crazier than the rest of the country, then we'll talk. You can then prove me wrong. I haven't lived in NYC for years and its really my objective opinion.

About Me

Sarah Lewitinn (born February 3, 1980), also known by her nickname Ultragrrrl, is a music critic, DJ, and blogger. She gained notoriety as an assistant editor at SPIN Magazine.
In 2006, New York magazine named Lewitinn as one of "The Most Influential People in Music", citing that "she has more power than any print music critic".