Saturday, November 7, 2009

Sarcasm is a Man's Best Friend

2. i am one of the top ten most sarcastic people on the planet. (brent, you're definitely in there as well).

Technically this isn't a recent realization, in fact i've never realized it. I've known since i was born that i hold this gift of sarcasm, and as i've grown up, i've nurtured it into what it is today, almost like a super power. Some people think i use it for evil, but what i really use it for is to avenge myself. My enemies know full well the sting that my sarcasm causes, and like most super people, the loved ones in my life have seen the collateral damage of being overly sarcastic at times. But let's be honest, even superman accidentally shoots people with his laser beam eyes every once in a while. For this, i apologize. I don't mean to be sarcastic. I just am.

While we're on the subject of sarcasm, i want to address a recent realization i've had. Seriously. this one is recent. From my first couple sentences you're probably wondering how two of the top ten most sarcastic people on the planet could be friends? What are the odds? Actually, the odds are good because of Sarcravity.

Sarcravity is the sarcastic gravitational force (SGF) associated with the sarcasm of two beings. It's actually a miracle that the top 100 sarcastic people on the planet haven't formed together to become a super sarcastic entity, or SSE as they call it in the scientific world. This, i presume is due to a couple different barriers.

1. Language barriers. It's hard to have a super sarcastic conversation when the two sarcastic people can't understand what the other person is saying. The sarcasm is being said, but because neither of the people understand the other person, it is deflected like a laser beam and a force field. The two will most likely lose interest and walk away, or just stand there staring at each other, until the other person dies.

2. Geographic barriers. These are pretty obvious. Oceans, mountains, and World of Warcraft (WOW) are some of the biggest.

Along with the barriers, i feel compelled to write about the two special traits of the SGF

One special trait with the SGF, is that it can be felt through the world wide web (WWW). You're probably thinking, "isn't WOW part of the WWW? Why is it a barrier?" It's a barrier because of the virtual geography that lies between each virtual character. Yes, they can interact instantaneously, but because a virtual space separates them, it's harder to bridge the Gravitational Gap (GG). One might argue that WOW doesn't separate the SGF, virtual space does, but they'd be wrong.

One other trait is that half life of the Sarcravitrons, or the particles associated with the SGF. The half life is very short so what happens is that in a matter of years, the SGF actually ends up reversing, pushing sarcasm away from each other. One reason Brent and i are still friends is that we don't talk much. If we did, we would have been ex-friends long ago. We do communicate through the internet, but the half life doesn't occur as fast through the internet. Come on, that'd be weird if it did.

This concludes today's lesson on sarcasm. Feel free to send me a check or money order. They'll be a $20 fee for any check that bounces.