By Chris Recouvreur

America is in an uproar, some people think Mr. Duck should be condemned for his conservative Christian views, others believe he is being bullied by a liberal LGBT conspiracy. Really? Phil Richardson’s currently remind me of the following fable:

The Scorpion and the Frog

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the
scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The
frog asks, “How do I know you won’t sting me?” The scorpion
says, “Because if I do, I will die too.”

The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream,
the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of
paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,
but has just enough time to gasp “Why?”

Replies the scorpion: “Its my nature…”

Phil Richardson spoke, and acted according to his nature. You can’t blame him for that. Even though I could spend my entire life arguing against his point of view, he is still entitled to his own beliefs. When did America become so afraid of differing opinions that we cannot on either side at least acknowledge that other people might not see the world how we see it? Rather than viewing the Duckman’s beliefs as a sad relic of our past, people are showing their lack of sensitivity for other people’s less fortunate viewpoints. In the end, GQ did an excellent hack job.

I thought I’d share a few tips to those who might not realized how your banking account stacks up for and against you. I really wish when I was 18 someone would have given me some advice, so my pain (and that of people I’ve know) is your gain.

Call your bank right now and cancel overdraft coverage. This in effect will stop the bank from covering your overdrafts and then charging you between $20-$60 in overdraft fees. It might embarrass you, but your next paycheck will be intact. I’ve had friends actually go to check deposit places because they needed their paycheck but were too far into their own bank on overdrafts and fees. Also many banks after so many days charge a continued overdraft fee as high as $15 per day.

Don’t be loyal to your bank, if you see a good banking deal with a reputable organization, take it. Sometimes banks will offer free checking, no minimum balance, no direct deposit, that’s the best deal right there. Even if a bank offers you $100 to join, you could easily lose that in fees later on if you don’t keep a minimum balance or you lose your job and therefor your direct deposit.

Use your credit cards. Crazy advice right? Not really, you need to be paying a bill every month to establish on time credit reports. This will help build your credit and if you pay off your balance in the same billing cycle, you’ll avoid interest charges. Also if you want to ever buy a house, think about opening as many revolving credit accounts as you can, you don’t have to use them all, but it’ll lower your debt to credit ratio and make you a better candidate for further credit. (Don’t try to open them all at once, space it out every 3-6 months)

Manage all your financial accounts online through a separate email address from your personal email address. Don’t get attached to it, if a company sends you notice that they’ve been hacked, migrate all accounts to a new email address.

Never make your banking passwords the same as your email passwords.

Try to use separate passwords for all accounts. Get a password manager, I use dashlane which works for Windows, Mac, iOS, and Android. LastPass works with pretty much any OS you can throw at it if you need Linux support.

If for some reason I’ve given really bad advice, I’m not a financial consultant and use common sense. (That means I won’t accept liability if you lose all your money.)

I hadn’t heard about the book Disorder in American Courts until today, which leads me to believe people have been in on some sort of grand conspiracy to keep this gem out of my life. Luckily, through the power of social media, their attempts have failed. If you like the below excerpt, I suggest you go to popehat.com and search for the book through their amazon search bar and help my favorite blog pay it’s server rent.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Surely the above Elephant is a kind loving creature who only has happy thoughts right? Wrong. Adam Savader, former Gingrich staffer, pictured above as Ellis The Elephant has been indicted of unpleasantries that boil down to sextortion. I will let the venerable Adam Steinbaugh explain it better than I could:

It alleges, essentially, that a New York man — Adam Paul Savader — used a variety of Google Voice numbers to text women under the monicker “John Smith.” ”Smith” told the women that he had nude photos of them (or, in one victim’s case, her mother) and that he would post more online if they did not send more nude photos. He allegedly threatened to send the photos to their family members, sorority sisters, and the Republican National Committee, telling one that everyone in “D.C” would see the nude photos.

Never trust an elephant with stripes on it’s trunk. No word yet on wether he sent pictures back of himself trunkless. This blogger thinks Savader won’t be staffing again, unless Anthony Weiner is looking.

I want to begin this by saying, I totally get it. Paul Kevin Curtis. The guy has 3 first names, that’s damn suspicious and he’s an Elvis impersonator which is totally a criminal indicator, as anyone who has seen 3000 Miles to Graceland can attest. So when you get letters full of Ricin, Paul Kevin Curtis stands out. The letters were even signed “KC” though I don’t know many people who sign with their middle initial rather than their first, but the FBI has it’s methods. So to shed some light on the situation I am releasing part of the interrogation of Mr. Curtis(KC) by Special Agent Todd Douglas(SAD).

SAD: Tell us about the Ricin Mr. Curtis, if you cooperate, we can help you.

KC: Man, I don’t even like rice.

SAD: Oh, a funny man huh? You know what they do to funny men in a Federal Super Max Prison? Where did you get the Ricin?

KC: I mean… I… I’ve only gotten rice once, from Uncle Ben.

SAD: Who is this Uncle Ben? Is that a code name? Tell me his real name!

KC: I don’t know his real name, it just said Uncle Ben on the package.

SAD: What did the package look like?

KC: I mean, it was an orange box with the picture of some old guy on it.

SAD: Was this old guy someone “Uncle Ben” wanted you to target?

KC: No, no, no. I think the old guy is Uncle Ben.

SAD: And where is this box now?

KC: In my cabinet, next to the sink.

SAD: We are going to check this story out, if you lied, so help me, I’ll feed your balls to a chihuahua.

There you have it. Justice in the works.

Update | 27.04.13

Apparently Ricin Elvis was framed by a martial arts instructor. It doesn’t get any weirder than this folks. Kobra Kai almost got away with it too.

I bought an Ethos water in a rush to get to my geography course, I like to sip water while learning. Now I don’t spend $1.95 on a 23oz water bottle very often, but I rationalized it to myself because Starbucks donates money to get clean water to children in places where sewage and drinking water freely mingle. So at some point during class I read the side of the bottle and was surprised that out of the $1.95 I spent, only 1 nickel makes it way to the children. That’s a measly 2.6% for those of you who don’t want to do the math.

Ethos is bottled by Safeway under their Lucerne brand and distributed by Pepsi. Starbucks basically owns the brand name, which they bought in 2005. While this all boring news, I still thought to myself, couldn’t 3 profitable corporations who peddle their quite expensive charity water donate more than 2.6% of the purchase price?

Maybe they use really good water I said to myself. It turns our however, that they use the same spring water that I can get out of a Safeway brand water bottle for less than half the price and almost twice the volume. Then I thought, well since they are helping kids, maybe they care about the environment too. Maybe their recycled plastic cost more than regular plastic. Again I was disappointed. It turns out, unlike other Pepsi distributed plastic bottled waters, Ethos bottles are virgin plastic.

So let me summarize this all:

Ethos water is the same water as store brand.

Unlike other water that Pepsi distributes, it’s bottled in virgin plastic.

Only 2.6% of your $1.95 goes to the children.

You can buy twice as much of the same water for half the price.

I am a sucker and was ripped off by Starbucks.

So if you really want to help the children buy a Safeway water or really any store brand water and donate 50 cents each time to a charity of your choice. You’ll save money, get more money to the charities, drink the same water, and maybe even get a recycled plastic bottle in the process.

It’s about time that we have a sensible man finally stand up to the vileness that is public participation, saying quite simply, “I AM THE SENATOR. YOU ARE THE CITIZEN. YOU NEED TO BE QUIET.” As a blog writer and reader I can personally attest to the sheer barbaric revelry some of our so called citizens participate in when commenting on the internet. People like Jay, a poster at popehat.com who mock Tommy Tucker with his own heroic words by creating these pictures:

I for one stand with the great State Senator Tucker, saying forcefully and loudly that you citizens need to quiet down. Stop commenting on blogs, articles, reddit, etc. Stop making a mockery of the legislative process. We are a nation of laws, laws that you should fear because as they say, “anything can and will be used against you in a court of law.” So to honor the great philosopher of North Carolina, I declare today Tommy Tucker Recognition Day. Commenting will be closed on this post in his honor.

Reading Popehat tonight I came across this article. Apparently eBay seller Med Express Sales thinks that just because Ohio doesn’t have an Anti-Slapp law, that it can blatantly flaunt the legal system, threaten, extort, and generally become a vexatious twat-waffle over an admittedly truthful review.

Luckily Amy Nicholls has the free-speech-guru-attorney Paul Levy of Public Citizen on her side. The fact that good decent people like Mr. Levy exist is a comfort to those who he can help when such legal nonsense happens, however Paul Levy is but one man, and the world is filled with numerous censorious douchebags. Mr. Levy even helped me recently claim a valant victory over the forces of censorship, legal thuggery, and bad behavior. This is why we need a national Anti-Slapp law, to prevent such blatant abuses of the legal system and shoot down expensive lawsuits before people who might not know all their available avenues fold or are forced to incur massive legal fees.

This is especially true when the vexatious twat-waffle, knows for a fact that they have no legal precedent backing up their claims. These sort of thugs dare you to risk financial ruin just to protect your constitutional rights. Mr. Levy writes:

I contacted James Amodio, Med Express’s lawyer, to explain to him the many ways in which his lawsuit is untenable. He readily admitted that, as the complaint admits, everything that the customer had posted in her feedback was true; he did not deny that a statement has to be false to be actionable as defamation; but he just plain didn’t care. To the contrary, he told me that I could come up to Medina, Ohio, and argue whatever I might like, but that the case was going to continue unless the feedback was taken down or changed to positive. And he explained why his client was insisting on this change — he said that it sells exclusively over eBay, where a sufficient level of negative feedback can increase the cost of such sales as well as possibly driving away customers.

Obviously Mr. Amodio is using the new legal tort: Whatever, whatever, I do what I want. Which is a most popular tort these days. However it is just as imaginary as my alter-egos obsession with dinosaurs. Our legal system is many ways is a shambles, patent law is a mess, and companies use lawsuits as business strategies, and those in positions of financial power think they can even use the judiciary or the threat of it’s power to silence us, remove our rights, and terrify us into silence. This cannot be allowed to happen. Luckily good people stand up to these forces every day like Kenneth P. White, Paul Alan Levy, Catherine Gellis, Adam Steinbaugh, and so many others.

How do you steal millions if not billions of dollars and not go to jail? Be rich beforehand. When confronted with the truth the Justice Department responded less maturely than I’d expect a federal agency to. I am going to let the article speak for itself. This isn’t about political parties or race, this is specifically about entrenched forces in American society that are not held responsible for their crimes by an administration that had promised to do so. Though with all the promises that have been broken, including reforming the Patriot Act, I am not surprised in the least.