Humour?

Where possible, sources (not guaranteed original) are quoted. Where I am responsible (not often) I generally admit to it. I take full responsibility for any errors in translation from other languages (from some German and French magazines). The latest additions to the page are at the top, older ones (the bottom ones several years older) further down.

Proudly listed on What's Funny on the Internet!
(by invitation, until they disappeared - Google still lists - or did when I last looked - an archive site if you search for the name "What's Funny")

Banking crisis hits Japan
Reports from various sources say that the Origami Bank has folded, the Kamikaze Bank has nose-dived, the Judo Bank has suffered heavy falls, the Sumo Bank has gone belly-up, the Bonsai Bank has cut several branches and auditors report that sub-prime and unsecured loans made by the Hari Kiri Bank are "suicidal".

The following were published in The Guardian newspaper 31st December 2007, and were originated by various professionals:

Q. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A. A walk.

Q. What do you get if you cross the common cold with a venereal disease?
A. Snyphilis.

Two wise men went for a walk when suddenly it began to rain.
"Quick," said one, "open your umbrella,"
"It won't help," said his friend, "It's got holes in it."
"Then why did you bring it?"
"I didn't think it would rain."

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a bike; then I realised the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and then asked him to forgive me.

Q. How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb. Its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honourably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

FLOODING IN IRELAND - June 2007

If this doesn't tug at your heart strings nothing will.

We've all seen the faces of those ravaged by the floods of Sri Lanka and New Orleans....

This "award-winning" photograph of the recent flood waters rising in Ireland captures the horror and suffering there.

Keep these people in your thoughts and prayers. See this photo (42,156 bytes). [Thanks to James Stevens, who forwarded this to me]

These letters to God (15k image) may amuse you. (Thanks to James Stevens, who forwarded them to me)

A new trade union (NUFSED) has been formed to look after the interests of fairies, sprites, elves and similar layabouts and dropouts. Read all about it on these pages.

You can find some questions to make you think (or just smile) on this page.

I have set up a small page of various signs and notices which don't say quite what they mean.

This just flowed into my mind today for no apparent reason, so for what (little) it's worth, I thought I'd share it:

The Not-Blue Danube

(sung to a part of Johann Strauss II's main theme, and addressed to him)

The Danube's not blue, it's brown or green.
Blue is a shade it's never been.
If you had looked, you would have seen.
So I don't know what 'tis you mean.
It sometimes runs brown,
Through the town,
So how can it look blue
To you.

A selection translated from Télé Loisirs, French TV listing magazine for the week 31st January to 6th February 2004:

A gamekeeper accosted a hunter.

"Can you tell me why you are hunting with a licence that expired last year?"

"Oh, that's simple. I'm looking for the hare I wounded last year."

A woman went into her home and declared to her husband, "Darling, you'd better get the car to the garage. Every part of it makes a noise except the horn."

The doorbell rang so the woman answered it to find the plumber standing there.

"Oh, at last!. It was a week ago I called you to carry out an urgent repair to my cistern!"

"A week? Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong address. I should be at the customer who phoned me last month."

A couple decided to go to the cinema.

"Two tickets, please."

"Is that for 'Romeo and Juliet'?"

"No, it's for my wife and myself."

A tourist went into a pub at the side of Loch Ness. He asked the barman, "Can you tell me what time the monster appears?"

"Yes, after five or six glasses of whisky."

The police chief was questioning a young man recruited the previous day.

"Have you ever seen a lie detector?"

"Better than that, chief. I married one!"

A grandmother asked her grandson, "Do you like going to school?"

"Oh, yes, I love going to school, and coming back home. What I don't like is the bit in between."

At a ventriloquist show, the rabbit said, "We'll start with a few jokes about blondes."

A blonde stood up in the audience and shouted, "I've had enough of your blonde jokes."

The ventriloquist replied, "But, madam, it's only a bit of fun."

"You shut up. I'm talking to the rabbit."

A passenger on the night train south from Paris asked the guard, "Would you be kind enough to wake me up before we get to Avignon, where I have to get off? Don't hesitate to give me a good shake, because I sleep very soundly."

He slept well, until he heard the announcement, "Nice, in four minutes we arrive at Nice."

He got up like a shot and rushed to the guard, "You're a fine one to wake people up."

"Stop complaining. You should have seen the man I pushed off the train at Avignon."

A worker arrived at the factory and bumped into the foreman, who said, "Late again!"

"Me too, sir."

A Texan was visiting Paris for the first time. Arriving at the foot of the Eiffel Tower, he turned to his wife and said, "They're not very clever, these French. A hundred years ago they built that gadget, and they still haven't struck oil."

"Teacher asked us to draw a cow, and I want to know how many taps I should put on it."

A boxer returned home after a fight. He had bruises all over and a swollen eye.

His wife asked, "Well, how did it go? Did you win?"

"No ... but I came second."

A man was suffering badly with his feet because his shoes were obviously much too small.

An office colleague asked, "Why don't you buy some bigger shoes? Is it a question of money, or what?"

"No, let me explain. The reason I wear shoes that are too small is because I have just learned that I've been refused a rise, my wife is in the middle of leaving me, and my children want to follow her. So you see, when I get home at the end of the day I take off my shoes, and that's at least one pleasant thing in the day."

The father of the family asked his young son on his return from school, "So, did you tell your teacher that you were away from school yesterday because you have just had two little brothers?"

The child nodded his head and replied, "Yes, Daddy, but I only told him about one."

Look, I started in this job in 1954 and now it's 2003. Now, from 1954 to 1994 that's ... er ... 40 years, and from 1994 to 2003 is .. er ... I'll have to count on my fingers ... 95, 96, 97 .... That makes 9 years. Now, 40 plus 9 is ... er ... 49 years! So, that makes 49 years I've been a maths teacher.

Two bee-keepers were discussing techniques.

"To get the most out of my bees, I crossed them with millipedes so they can carry a lot more pollen on all their little feet."

"I tried the same thing, but they couldn't fly because they were too heavy. So, I also crossed them with fleas, so now they come home by jumping."

Quote from Jean Cocteau: "If I prefer cats to dogs, it's only because there are no police cats."

What does every mother match teach her children?

"Never scratch your head."

Monsieur Durand arrived in his office yawning.

"You seem very tired," commented a colleague.

"Yes, I don't get enough sleep. My wife is afraid of burglars, so not long ago she was waking me up every time she thought she heard a noise. I told her, burglars don't make any noise. Now she wakes me up every time she doesn't hear a noise, and I don't get any sleep at all."

A street survey asked people about their use of after-shave lotions. One passer-by, asked what he put on after shaving, replied "My trousers".

The teacher gave instructions to the children: "Write thirty lines about something that happened one day during your holiday."

Ten minutes later Tommy had finished. He wrote: "After dinner I wanted to play with my dog in the garden. He wasn't there, so I called Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex ........."

A lady got on the bus and asked the driver "What's the quickest way to get to St. Anthony's Hospital?"

"Just stand in front of the bus when I drive off."

A thoughtful little boy asked his mother, "Mummy, do you really love me?"

"Of course I do."

"Very much?"

"Yes, very, very much."

"If you love me so much, will you marry the ice-cream salesman?"

In the park two gardeners were working. One dug a hole, and the other immediately filled it in again. An amazed passer-by asked, "Why do you fill the hole in again straight away?"

"Usually there's three of us, but the one who plants the trees in the holes is off sick."

A rather plump woman stood on the scales in front of her husband.

"Oh dear, I'm too small!"

"You mean too big!"

"No. According to the standard, a woman of 1.68 metres should weight 60 kilos."

"So?"

"I'm 8 centimetres too small!"

A woman went to see the doctor. "My husband is dead after following your diet for a month."

"He should have listened to me properly. I told him to follow it for two months."

(Quote from Mark Twain): "I don't like the idea of having to choose between heaven and hell. I've got friends in both!"

Jane Williams's Fortune Cookies. This is a big file of short cracks, a few of which I recognise from long ago. I expect you will, too, but old friends are (sometimes) the best!

If you are faced with two buttons to press you have a theoretical 50% chance of pressing the right one, and a 99% practical probability of pressing the wrong one! [That's my own experience talking]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman tending to the flowers in her garden. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I
am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an Accountant," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you have delayed my journey."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise of which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow it's now become my fault!"

Thanks to www.EuroAsPa.com

Johnny had just been chastised by his father for his poor school report. "What do you think my problem is, Dad, heredity or environment?" [I get 0 out of 10 - I can't remember if I made it up or heard it somewhere a long time ago]

Dear Cassius
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.

I spoke to Caesar. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work, and as usual charged a
fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out our hardware and start again?

Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this. The money lenders are paranoid, of course! They have been told all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It's an ill wind ...

As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hour- glass flowing upwards. "Y zero K it's the talk of Rome."

We have heard there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. There are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears they will stop and try to run backwards, damaging chariots. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.

I guess there won't be any similar concerns with the Y1K, etc, because with the rate of scientific advance (how about those new aqueducts!) by then there'll be no problem the boffins can't solve. If you have any ideas, please let me know.

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical,
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.Which is why that's the only one on this page!

Jonathan Swift in 1729 suggested the combined cure for both over-population and food shortages in Ireland: eat babies!

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? [from British Mensa magazine - the words that is, not the oil!]

Customer in a pet shop: "I'd like a parrot that can talk louder than my wife." [from Bild Woche]

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So that men can remember them! [Sent to Bild Woche by M. Kruppe, Solingen, Germany]

A first generation computer is asked, "What use is the sun?"
"No use. It doesn't shine at night, and in the daytime it's light anyway." [Sent to Bild Woche by E. Skror, Gelsenkirchen, Germany]

"I like to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out." [Lawrence Krauss, Case Western Reserve University]

Three old men met on a park bench in Paris.
The first said, "To come here used to take me five minutes; today it took me half an hour. At eighty-five years, my legs are letting me down."
The second replied,"Legs, that's nothing. I used to read the newspaper without glasses, but today even with glasses I can see nothing. At ninety years it's my eyes that are letting me down."
The third answered, "Eyes and legs, that's nothing. When I went home yesterday evening after I left you, I looked at my wife doing the washing up, felt the urge, and said to her, 'Let's go and make love.' She replied 'You've already done it once today.' At ninety-five years, my memory's letting me down!" [sent to Télé Loisirs by Christian Mondot, Roisel, France]

A bearded surgeon tried to comfort his patient just before the operation.
"Don't worry, I know my job well. I shall be here when you wake up."
The anaesthetist gave him an injection and he fell asleep. Three hours later he came to himself and saw a bearded man leaning over him.
"Ah, professor, I'm well pleased. I didn't feel a thing!"
"I'm not the professor. I'm St. Peter!" [from Télé Loisirs]

"Would you like me to help you with your homework?"
"No thank you, Daddy, I prefer to get it wrong for myself." [from Télé Loisirs]

A very skilled clairvoyant hurried into the police station.
"I want to make a complaint. I'm going to be burgled tomorrow!" [from Télé Loisirs]

A chemistry teacher wrote a formula on the blackboard and asked a pupil what it was.
"I've got it on the tip of my tongue."
"Well, spit it out quickly. It's sulphuric acid!" [from Télé Loisirs]

Q: When do we pick cherries?
A: When the farmer turns his back. [from Télé Loisirs]

A golfer said to his caddy, "My mother-in-law is over there, two hundred yards away. It's absolutely essential that I succeed with this shot."
"That's crazy, sir. At such a distance you're sure to miss her." [sent to Télé Loisirs by Jacques Fravallo, Saint-Herblain, France]

"Have you noticed how Martine is putting on weight?&QUOT:
&QUOT:You're very hard on her. She's no more than 36-24-36."
"Yes, that's true, but her other leg's the same!" [from Télé Loisirs]

Marie-Chantal told her friend Eléonore, "For three years my husband and I have spent our holidays separately."
"And did it suit you?"
"Me, yes, but my husband, I don't know. He hasn't come back yet!" [from Télé Loisirs]

A big St. Bernard went to the vet.
"Doctor, I don't feel at all well!"
The doctor examined him, then told him:
"It's your liver, you drink too much."
"You know how it is in our business, doctor, you often have to have a drink with the client!" [from Télé Loisirs]

"Why do you have such a long beard?"
"Because my wife chooses my ties." [from Télé Loisirs]

A man visiting the police station is most insistent.
"It's absolutely essential that I speak to the burglar who broke into my house last night."
"Why's that?"
"I need to know how he got into the house at three o'clock in the morning without making a noise and without waking my wife!" [from Télé Loisirs]

In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior.
"Mother, I want to quit the veil."
"But why, my child?"
"To become a prostitute."
"What? What are you saying?"
"I said I want to become a prostitute, mother."
"Oh, you had me worried. I thought you said protestant!" [from Télé Loisirs]

"I will only marry a woman who is both rich and stupid," a young man told his friend.
"Why's that?"
"Because if she's not rich, I wouldn't want her as my wife, and if she's not stupid she won't want me." [sent to Télé Loisirs by Bertrand Werner, Montoy-Flanville, France]

A ninety-year old woman had broken her leg. The doctor put it in plaster and told her:
"So that the injury can heal properly, you must stay in your room for at least two months."
"Won't I be able to go up and down the stairs of the house?"
"Definitely not," the doctor told her.
Two months later the doctor returned and removed the plaster.
"What a relief," she exclaimed, "Now will I be able to go up and down the stairs?"
"Yes, but be careful."
"That's marvellous, doctor. I was getting tired of going out through the window and climbing down the drainpipe." [sent to Télé Loisirs by Nathalie Michel, Yssingeaux, France]

The father watched through the window as his young daughter made a snowman with a little friend. Entertained by the sight, he went closer and heard the little boy say:
"I've got an idea. To finish it off, I'll go to the kitchen and find a carrot."
"Make it two. The second can be his nose." [from Télé Loisirs]

The wife of a rich businessman had an accident, and an ambulance was called.
"We shall have to give her artificial respiration," the ambulanceman told her husband.
"Certainly not," he replied, "Give her the real thing. I can pay!" [from Télé Loisirs]

In the British House of Lords two high dignitaries met in a corridor.
"My friend, I'm so sorry to hear you've buried your dear wife."
"I had to, you know. She was dead." [from Télé Loisirs]

A Parisian on holiday in the country saw a peasant taking his cows back to the cowshed.
"That's wonderful! They all go on their own, each one to its own place."
"What's so special about that? They've got their names written over the top." [from Télé Loisirs]

Two office colleagues met by the coffee machine on Monday morning.
"This weekend we went to Lourdes, but there was no miracle. I came back with my wife." [from Télé Loisirs]

Q: What do you call a pit bull terrier with no legs?
A: Anything you like. It won't catch you.

[Mainly for UK readers]
Margaret Thatcher died, and a few days later the Devil dragged her by the hair to the pearly gates.
God asked him, "What do you think you're doing? I don't want her."
"Oh come on, do me a favour," replied the Devil, "I've only had her three days and she's already closed down four furnaces."

It's the end of the world as we know it... (for beer drinkers that is!)
If you drink beer straight from the bottle, Ireland's Southern Health Board has a couple of words of warning for you: rat's urine. The board issued a statement on Friday warning drinkers to be aware of Weil's disease, which starts with symptoms akin to influenza but can kill. It
said the disease is spread mainly by rats' urine and warned that crates of beer stacked in Irish pubs could be a target for the rodents. Ireland has seen a boom in sales of bottled beers.

A character came home a bit late and rather tipsy.
"Darling, my manager and I celebrated a contract at a really unusual bar. Just imagine, gold toilets!"
"You're drunk, You'd better go to bed!"
"No, really, it's true. I'll take you there tomorrow so you can see."
The next day they went to the bar, and the husband asked the barmaid, "Isn't it true, you have gold toilets?"
The barmaid called out,"Mr. Maurice, I've found the one who did it in your saxophone!" [from Télé Loisirs]

Madame Dupont called her husband: "Darling, the other day I bought a book, but now I can't find it."
"Can you remember what it was called?"
"How to live to be 100"
"I threw it away."
"What? Why did you throw it away?"
"Your mother started reading it." [from Télé Loisirs]

Marie-Chantal was telling her friend about the previous evening.
"Jean-Charles took me into the park. I was wearing a super-sexy dress, enough to melt an iceberg. The moonlight was bright enough to read a newspaper by."
"And....?"
"Jean-Charles read a newspaper." [from Télé Loisirs]

Tina was riding her tricycle around the living room.
"You should have been in bed long ago." shouted her father.
"I want to, but I can't find anywhere to park." [sent to "Bild Woche" by S. Hermann, Neumünster]

A policeman stops two drunks and asks one "Where do you live?"
"Nowhere."
"And where do you live?" he asks the other.
"We're neighbours." [sent to "Bild Woche" by E. Schechler, Stuttgart]

Herr Müller shows the train guard his ticket.
The latter says "This is a child's ticket"
"So you can see for yourself how late the trains are running." [sent to "Bild Woche" by Daniel Baier, Berlin]

From a Radio conversation released by the American Navy:

1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North.

2: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course.

2: No, I say again, you divert your course.

1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.

Q: How many British government ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: For reasons of national security it would not be in the public interest to disclose this information.[At risk of breaching the Official Secrets Act, I confess to this one]

A lightning conductor gets through Chopin's Minute Waltz in 45 seconds [Sorry, it came to me in a flash]

A man was walking around an old cemetery when he heard music. He asked the old gravedigger where it was coming from, but he didn't know, but recognised the music as Beethoven's 9th symphony. When it finished there was a short pause, then music began again. This time it was Beethoven's 8th symphony, and the music seemed to be coming from an old grave with an illegible tombstone. Again there was a short pause at the end, and then came the start of Beethoven's 7th symphony. "I've got it!" said the gravedigger, "Beethoven's decomposing."

Philosopher René Descartes (famous for his words "I think, therefore I am"), was sitting in a Paris bar when "time" was called.
The bar man asked Descartes if he wanted "one for the road?"
Descartes replied "I think not"
...and Poof! ...he just disappeared!! [From Bryn Dawes of British Aerospace]

"Excuse me, is the prison far from here"
"That depends. It took me an hour to get there and 15 years to come back." [from Télé Loisirs]

Two friends were travelling in a car, when the driver ignored a red light.
"Have you gone mad? Why didn't you stop?"
"Don't worry. It's a trick my brother taught me."
At the next junction he again ignored a red light. His friend was terrified.
"Again! You're a complete lunatic."
"Stop worrying. It's a trick of my brother's."
At the next cross-roads the lights were green, and the driver slammed on the brakes.
"Why have you stopped?"
"In case my brother comes the other way." [from Télé Loisirs]

A zebra escaped from the zoo and wanted to understand what was happening in the countryside. She asked a cow what it did.
"I make milk," replied the cow.
Further on she met a sheep, and asked what it did.
"I make wool," the sheep told her.
Then she came across a stallion, and asked it the same question.
The stallion answered, "Take off your pyjamas and I'll show you!" [from Télé Loisirs]