BLACK DOG: Expenses Jim and his Devine dreams

It's safe to say that when Labour MP Jim Devine appears in court accused of fiddling his expenses, Tory Nadine Dorries will not be called as a character witness.

Dorries claimed Devine told her he had had racy dreams about her.

‘Quick to blush, I made a very hasty retreat, only to have him follow me, saying exactly what I had been up to in his dreams, in graphic detail,’ she said, claiming his remarks made her ‘feel sick’.

Labour MP Jim Devine had racy dreams about Tory Nadine Dorries

Tony Benn is accused of stealing in Splendour & Squalor, a new book about aristocrats behaving badly.

It claims the ex-Viscount Stansgate was found rifling through a TV producer’s silver cigarette case, stuffing cigarettes into his pockets, at a dinner party. The producer’s son, Jonathan Irwin, recalls: ‘That’s when I lost my love of socialism.’

Ex-Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon is less than delighted at the antics of his former spin doctor James Connal in his Ashfield constituency.

Baby-faced assassin Connal, desperate to become a Labour MP, has moved into the area and is accused of plotting to get his former boss sacked. Hoon is under fire for his role in last month’s abortive coup against Gordon Brown.

Chloe, the Doctor in the House...

If tomboy Norwich Tory MP Chloe Smith, above, hears people muttering ‘exterminate, exterminate’ as she walks through the Commons, she needn’t fear she is going mad.

Juvenile Labour MPs say she is a dead ringer for ex-Dr Who actor David Tennant and make Dalek-like noises at her.

George Osborne's former aide, Matt Hancock, new Tory candidate for Suffolk West, has a daredevil streak. Hancock took part in the most northerly cricket match ever staged, in a charity expedition to the North Pole a couple of years ago. He was airlifted off with frost bite and still gets arthritis in one finger.

Short shrift from Gaddafi

Giraffe-like Tory Daniel Kawczynski couldn’t work out why puffed-up Libyan dictator Colonel Gaddafi refused to be interviewed for the MP’s new biography of him – until an Arab friend took him to one side.

‘He said I would never get the interview because the Colonel would look ridiculous if he adjusted his boots to match me at 6ft 8in.’

Tory MP Charles Walker takes an unreconstructed attitude to the burka debate. ‘I like looking at women – not with wicked thoughts,’ he says. ‘I think they are attractive. I like to see their faces and what they’re wearing. Hopefully, in 20 or 30 years’ time Islamic women will feel free to wear Western-style dress. Or at most a scarf.’

‘Please confirm by return of email that you are domiciled and resident in the UK for tax purposes.’ One candidate joked: ‘If I had Zac’s millions I would be a non dom but I have bankrupted myself trying to win a seat.’