10 Ways to “Deal With” Quiet People

Outgoing people have advantages in Western Culture. We’re often perceived as smarter and stronger than quiet people.

One of my fatal leadership blunders was underestimating quiet people.

Big mouths don’t guarantee great leadership.

Quiet doesn’t equal:

Weak.

Push over.

Soft.

Stupid.

Detached.

Uncaring.

Untalented.

Never assume quiet is weak and loud is strong.

Danger:

Never assume silence is consent, when it comes to quiet people. Quick to speak, often means quick to commit. Slow to speak, often indicates need for more time and information before committing.

Don’t push quiet people too far, too fast. Respect their room.

Talkers want to talk it out.Quiet people enjoy thinking it out.

Occasionally, quiet indicates arrogant control freak. They won’t share information. They disagree but won’t say. Talkers do this, too. An ancient proverb says the one who withdraws wants his own way. Think two year old.

Leveraging quiet strength:

Honor their strengths. Never say, “Oh, they’re quiet,” like it’s a disease.

Respect their ability to commit. When they’re in, they’re really in.

Give them prep time. Don’t spring things on them.

Don’t assume silence is disagreement or consent. Just don’t assume.

Enjoy silence. Give them space by closing your mouth.

Ask questions, after you’ve given them think-time.

Invite feedback one-on-one rather than in groups.

Walk with them after meetings and ask, “What’s going through your mind?” The walking part is important.

Create quiet environments. Quiet people often enjoy quiet places.

Let them work alone. Stop demanding group work.

I shouldn’t have underestimated quiet people. My dad was quiet. He was the toughest, strongest, most disciplined man I’ve ever known. Furthermore, I married a quiet woman. She is tenacious, disciplined, smart, and cares deeply.

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57 thoughts on “10 Ways to “Deal With” Quiet People”

Dan,
Thank you for writing this post and for articulating what all of us quiet people wish others would understand! So many times we have great ideas swirling around in our mind and we need a moment to connect the dots. I do appreciate that while you offer a deeper understanding that we need time and space to process information, you haven’t painted us as “victims” of outgoing people. I am intrigued by your idea that silence can be manipulative at times; I had never thought of that before. As a quiet person I have found that it’s okay to ask for time to think about something or to sit with an idea. It’s important not to cave to pressure and end up overwhelmed. While it is good to step out of your comfort zone, if you need space, take it.

So true, Dan! My mother died when I was 29. I was much closer to her than to my father. The blessing of these years with dad is that I got to know him for who he is, not who mom wanted him to be. He was a chemical engineer by training. Quiet, thought-ful, intelligent, gracious. I learned to enjoy the simple pleasure of ‘being’ with him, without speaking. In the quiet, from the quiet, he provided a gateway to understanding quiet people and that less was more. I learned to speak less, listen more. I found the ‘golden nuggets’ quiet people often have to offer. In my leadership, I learned how to draw them out and give them time for preparation and space and watch their brillance add so much more to the team.

Great understanding of quiet people. I couldn’t agree more especially with nr 2. I myself is a quiet person, you’ll have to squeeze something out of me, I won’t budge, won’t be coerced into instant commitment. Processing is a process :-). I always believe things should be given deeper thought.
Thank you very much for this. I’m Asian by the way, for what’s it worth.

Fully agreed! Quite doesn’t necessarily mean “weak!” But at the same time quiet can also mean not interested or even selfish. The last thing you need is feeling like you are doing all the horse work while the so-called “quiet” “quietly” “stealing” your great ideas and hard work. In fact in real life there’s no such thing as a “quiet” or “loud” individual. History repeatedly taught us that great ideas where quietly rejected only to be used loudly later on. Great article. Keep up the good work, Ron!

Thank you Holly. As a talker…I naturally feel frustrated when someone doesn’t want to talk it out. I have to remind myself that their quiet isn’t about me…. it’s them. Giving space has become an expression of respect. :-)

Interesting article today Dan! Especially since I just happened to read an article yesterday by Roy Williams, who quoted Dan Pink (author of To Sell Is Human as saying this during an interview with NPR:

“We have this idea that extroverts are better salespeople. As a result, extroverts are more likely to enter sales; extroverts are more likely to get promoted in sales jobs. But if you look at the correlation between extroversion and actual sales performance — that is, how many times the cash register actually rings — the correlation’s almost zero. It’s really quite remarkable.

“Let’s think about a spectrum on a scale from 1 to 7, where 1 is extremely introverted, 7 is extremely extroverted: The 6s and 7s — the people who get hired, the gregarious, backslapping types of the stereotype — they’re not very good. OK, now, why? … They’re just spending too much time talking. … They don’t know when to shut up. They don’t listen very well; they’re not attuned to the other person; they sometimes can overwhelm people.”

I’m constantly reading up on writing and marketing with words, so I found it really interesting!

I’d go on to say some of us will write it out more than we talk it out too.

Possibly my favorite quote, and one that I am so devoted to that I share it with all new people on my staff, is attributed to Abraham Lincoln: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

Dan, you also pose a question in your post about what mistakes do talkers make concerning quiet people. I think the earliest mistaken assumption I became aware of (in my first job after college) was that talkers tend to think that quiet people are conceited or too “into themselves” to be bothered with the everyday mundane.

I agree with you Scott. I ran into this often as a sales person having to have some sort of extroversion professionally, but personally I’m extremely quiet. My husband is the extroverts of all extroverts. People he works with and are around all of the time assume I would be the same until I show up at a work function. It took a lot of time and many personal conversations for them to understand that I wasn’t “into myself” – just different than my husband. I don’t want to command the attention of the room, but I’d love to talk one on one and get to know someone individually.

Thank you for sharing this article. The items 5 and 6 caught my attention and reminded me of a developer who would not acknowledge my presence when I entered his office. At first, I was offended, but then realized that he just is so caught up in thought that he doesn’t even realize the presence of another person in his office. Also, I would often get an argument over an error I found. What I discovered worked, and worked quite well, was when I found an issue I wished to discuss with him I would enter his office, state that I found an issue and placed a print out of my evidence and then would just leave his office. Inevitably, there he was 30 minutes or an hour later stating he found the issue and had fixed it. Worst case was if he could not reproduce it he would request more details.

I don’t know if you have watched the TED talk by Susan Cain

but this was so enlightening. Even though I am not quite so introverted, I tend to talk things out with someone who will listen, I found I could relate to the introverted demeanor than the extroverted.

Some people like to go in and deal with people face-to-face. I tend to like the written word. This allows me to think on my tone and content. It also removes my getting flustered when people confront me. An understanding of how people communicate, helps everyone. That isn’t to say that those who are aware of these communication challenges should bend to the point of breaking to accommodate them. It should always be about give and take. Each side coming to the conversation with a willingness to see the other side.

I heard a great quote last night “Open your mind, before you open your mouth.

Good one, Dan. I know this from personal experience, having been labeled as “too quiet” in a consulting team. I was soaking up the information in order to improve my skills and failed to meet the group expectation of vocally jumping into every issue whether I had a real contribution or not.

As a meeting and training session facilitator, one of the best tips I ever received was to ask a question or give an assignment before a scheduled break. The extroverts all get together to talk it out. All the introverts have time to retreat and think.

When we reconvene, I call on a selection of people, both extra- and introverted. Participation is better and richer for giving introverted people time to think – and the meeting or training session is less “taken over” by extroverts because they’ve actually talked things out elsewhere.

Love the idea of posing questions before a break , I can really see that working. Thank you!

Have you ever tried the “Indian Talking Stick” exercise, whereby you get people into pairs and one of them has to describe a situation they find difficult to deal with? The speaker cannot pass the ‘stick” to the other person for a response until that person has demonstrated that they fully understand the “owner’s” position. It’s quite hard to do, and a very good wake up call. Something the extroverts may find harder than the introverts.

I’ve found that outgoing people often feel threatened by quiet people. It creates conflict where there shouldn’t be any. Its a shame too because quiet people often become outcasts simply because they are quiet. I’ve come to terms with the fact that people naturally fear what they don’t understand. Outgoing people don’t understand introverts and can lash out at them unnecessarily. Blogs like this can help bridge the communication gap.

Not allowing or creating a gap in the conversation. In a room full of talkers, new sentences often overlap the previous ones, and the whole discussion wraps up or changes topic before everyone has had a chance to contribute. A group of talkers can forget they’re completely dominating the conversation, and then they wonder why others don’t contribute anything, or why they only hear from the same group of people every time.

As a quiet person, I’ve learned to operate in these environments and get my ideas across, but I still don’t like having to wedge myself into the conversation, especially if it might mean interrupting a higher level staff member.

Try: “We’ve heard from __ and ___. Does anyone else have something to contribute?” Pause 5-10 seconds before moving on.

Try: At the end of every meeting, extend an invitation for sharing further thoughts individually. Don’t rush off.

Try: Ease quiet people into future conversations. Ex: at meeting #2, “You know, Tom came up with a great idea after our last meeting. Tom, would you like to share it with the group?” (But let Tom know in advance you’d like to call on him.)

Dear Dan,
Quite an interesting post! Leaves lot of inner search as to what is ‘beneficial ‘, ‘being an extrovert’ or ‘being quite’. The conclusion can be a good balancing act. However, one needs to express and share the views where your opinion matters.

Being quiet is a limiting factor in a business environment at times. It reflects that you are disinterested, not having adequate knowledge to comment or you feel that others are mediocre and will not understand or appreciate your view points.

Effective leaders are expressive and have a respect for all team members. They understand the psyche of core team members and deal with extroverts as well as quite people smartly to arrive at practical decisions keeping the organization goals in mind.

I liked your comment that quite people need not be underestimated with two real life examples. However, their silence could be the reason for your extroversion to make you understand better.

I find that, as a quiet one, I almost always have something to say…but the loud ones take over the platform. If a leader would acknowledge me by asking what I think, space would be made by respect, and I could offer my thoughts without having to bulldoze my way into the conversation.

Good one yet one needs to learn to speak out to actively participate and contribute. My experience reveals that this happens in the initial years of a career when you are at junior level and haven’t established you a sincere, productive worker.

In poker, there are ‘tells’ which often are non-verbals or para-verbals and to attend to those does take a level of concentration. Certainly some of the best poker players can read those tells quickly and then engage in approaches to distract others to their advantage.

There is immense value in having quiet people, who are attentive, in a group. They may be just introverted or shy, however, they may also be capturing a la ‘fly on the wall’ the bigger picture which is helpful in taking a group temperature. It does take practice and diligence to assimilate/synthesize all of the dynamics at play. Of course they can also bring in their own perspectives in the process. Finding how to tap into those observations can help a group progress from storming to norming more quickly.

If you want to shift the paradigm, if you know who are usually the talkative folks in groups, ask them to be the observer/synthesizer for the group. It will challenge them and perhaps help them grow.

A couple of additions to this (very useful and interesting) discussion:

1) Good communication must be honest communication, and not manipulative, or it breeds discord and hinders trust.

I had a direct report once, a senior engineer, who was quiet in meetings, but not because he was shy. If he disagreed with the course of the meeting, or had a better idea, he would meet one on one or in small groups with influencers and try to reverse decisions made during meetings to be seen as the “smart person with good ideas”. He was brilliant, but disruptive, and is no longer with the organization.

2) There is a huge difference between people who are outgoing because they have a true interest in others, and people who are outgoing because they want to be seen and/or liked.

The former, whether quiet or not, are typically welcomed participants who are listened to. The second type may be initally accepted, but will not fare well in group settings. If they are the boss, they will be tolerated while being mocked behind their back. If they are a peer, they will be welcomed at parties, but no form deep alliances. If a subordinate, they will not receive good evaluations.

Found much vibes in this article. Quiet is often misrepresented, I agree with you. Silent waters bottom deep. Quiet people go according to the saying : To speak equals silver but to keep quiet equals gold.
In our area we also add ( at morning ) Morning hour has gold in our mouth – meaning talk less, work more.
Coming back again and again.

Thank you Dan, I am one of the quiet ones an I deeply appreciate this post. I work around talkers and is very hard for me to relate to them, as I am sure for them, it’s the same to relate to quiet people. But, as we learn to understand each other, things will get easier and a lot more production.

Really g8 points Dan. In a world flourishing with diversity, g8 leaders create and foster creative and innovative environments, whether at home, in families and within organizations. As emphasized, stress and tight deadlines may negatively impact all concerned. I always say “laughing is good” and play my own music. With experience in the line of fire, one comes to appreciate that positive energy helps to stay on the path, not only individually but collectively!

I am a talker… and it has proven many times to be quite a disadvantage to me. Often when at an impasse I keep talking, or rather thinking out loud, and some thoughts just need to stay tucked away in the corner of your mind. I work hard to be a listener. I don’t always succeed. It is a trait I admire in many leaders I have worked both for and beside. I enjoyed this post and all the comments very much. Thank you.

I am a quiet person and I also coach quiet professionals who often feel overlooked at work… It continually amazes me how being ‘quiet’ is perceived as a weakness, and the negative impact it may then have on career progression. Quiet people have so many amazing strengths. There is a need for quiet and more talkative people in society…

I hope that once quiet people and more talkative people emphatically understand each others traits and strengths, it will lead to an amazing chemistry of productive interaction:)

Thanks Dan. Very important reminder to us all. Caryn (above) has already mentioned Susan Cain.and her great TED talk. For anyone who has not listened and watched this, I would thoroughly recommend you take 10 mins of your time to do so. We ignore up to half of the population, and what they can contribute, at our peril. Our society (and especially business world) has become dominated by the idea that bold, outspoken and collaborative are positive, while retiring, contemplative and solitary are negatives to be discouraged. Even our schools have fallen for this, in the way that they encourage group work in everything (even subjects that benefit from solitary, reflection time). We force ‘collaborate’ and ‘group-think’ into our kids above all else. Thanks again for raising this important issue.

Thank you for bringing this up, Dan – great post! I think it boils down to respecting each other and our differences. I’m definitely more on the introverted side of things but have learned to adapt and be more outgoing when needed. I also appreciate my “louder” friends and what they bring to the table. Occasionally, I’ll let them know that I need some time to process new information and that I’ll get back with them by a certain date. That way they know I’m not mad or disagree but that I just need time to think. :)

There is another way of looking at it than just black and white, quiet vs loud. I often find that I’m quiet at first while I try to digest information, but it doesn’t mean I’m quiet overall. I’d just rather be careful about how I communicate things, and not find myself putting it out there with a wish later that I could backtrack. Others have noted this in the comments as well.

In a fast-paced business world, the unfortunate outcome can be that sometimes quiet people lose out on positive perceptions and opportunities. One way to combat this is for the individual to come back strong with more thoughtful, more insightful, and less “cluttered” ideas and contributions. Let it be a delayed contribution rather than a outright trade off in quiet/loud approach vs (perceived) contribution.

The part of the post that was most important was how to leverage your quiet team members. As a manager and executive, I don’t pigeonhole people who are quiet, yet I would still need to hear their contributions at some point. I understand I don’t want to miss something valuable that they could provide, but I prefer to take the approach of letting them know that I value their opinions and encourage them to find avenues to contribute, even if it’s later, in side bars, or offline. This has met with mixed success, honestly. But if quiet = not piping up at all, I’m not sure management or the organization (or the quiet person!) gets any value. There is only so much a leader can so in chasing quiet people down for their opinions and ideas. For me, at least, this can be a difficult line to walk, and is heavily impacted by personalities and everything else going on.

It’s interesting to me how many of the comments offer begrudging support for some aspect of quietness, followed by a negative view of the quiet person. Many comments offer deprecating speculations and scenarios (“selfish”, “arrogant”, “[the organization doesn’t] get any value”). On the flip side, there are a few expressions of the problems an introvert or quiet person faces, but very little labeling or criticism of the talkative.

Important contributions can be made by people across the spectrum of volubility. And the inverse is true. A silent person may contribute nothing, and so may a person who talks quite a bit. The latter, however, wastes more of the group’s time.

I have really gained understanding with this article.it has been a big burden lately. It gives me real concern because i feel this lack of connection.I now have an idea of how to deal with quite people. I hope this do help. Thanks

I enjoyed reading this. I myself, am quiet, shy and introverted. I don’t come out of my shell, unless someone approaches me, in an open and friendly manner. Number 10 on the list, is a huge one for me, because I’ve had bad experiences with former co-workers, who thought that they could change me, to being more “in with the crowd”, so to speak. I love working alone, so that way I don’t feel like I’m at a disadvantage, to anyone. I am very private, so those who take the time, and have patience to get to know me, will have a loyal friend for life. I’ve tried a few times, by stepping out of my comfort zone, and approaching people first, but, I always came out as awkward and uncomfortable, no matter how nice I was. However, as the pace of today’s world gets faster, and more impatient, people like myself will find it harder to find loyal frienships-in my opinion, anyways. (Chuckles)

Dan,
Quiet can merely be a state of mind at the time! I’m often asked why am I so quiet, typically my mind is on override trying to rationalize what needs to be done, not really confused per say just “multi-tasking” as we have classified this now days. Quiet to me is not a bad thing sometimes just seems to me that quiet people like to Listen, perhaps rationalize, nurture the conversation and bank for a later day that they are not so quiet…. Then again some people just prefer to be loners in their quiet space not so bad.