November 20, 2004

by Joel Derfner

I have blogged before about my regular fantasies of developing supernatural powers. I must admit, however, to having been slightly disingenuous in that post when I said that I divided my time fairly evenly between fantasizing about telekinesis and fantasizing about teleportation.

Because a large part of my time is spent figuring out what form of supernatural power would best allow me to take revenge on my enemies.

It used to be that telekinesis topped the list. That fantasy goes like this: if people wronged me somehow–by, say, cutting rudely in front of me in line at the drugstore–I would lift them off the ground with my mind and float them in the air behind me as I went about my business during the day. At regular and frequent intervals I would lift them up higher in the air and then release them to smash to the ground; then I’d lift them right up again and drop them again. I’d do this several times, and then I’d continue with whatever I was doing, dragging them behind me in the air again only to be dropped again soon enough. I would ignore all pleas to let them go because they had an appointment, no matter how piteous the pleas were, no matter if they were the pope. Depending on the severity of the cutting in line (or whatever the offense), I might suspend them in the air outside my apartment in the freezing freezing cold while I slept at night, only to resume dropping them again the next day.

Recently, however, my fantasies have started to take a disturbingly subtle and less sanguinary turn. I fantasize about having the power to give people splitting, agonizing migraines. Depending on my mood, these migraines a) are permanent; b) will go away if the people involved apologize to me, a fact that I share with them; c) will go away if the people involved apologize to me, but I don’t tell them that–they have to apologize to me of their own accord; or d) will go away and be replaced by feelings of intense joy so long as the people involved are nice to everyone they meet, but will return with renewed vigor the instant they’re mean to anybody.

It’s true that the first fantasy is less convenient to me than the second, given that there are any number of circumstances in which a vanquished enemy’s presence in the air next to me would be problematic. It might be distracting during sex, for instance, or at the theater. But I’m really quite worried about how bloodless the second fantasy is. Dropping somebody to the ground and watching him bleed satisfies a visceral demand for vengeance that a headache simply can’t approach. Furthermore, what is this crap about people actually getting to feel good if they’re nice to everybody?

I have always had the same type of fantasies. It all started with the movie “Escape from Witch Mountain”. I think that’s the name of it. Anyway, after I saw that movie, I really wanted to be able to fuck people up with my mind. It would be so awesome! I guess I’m still a 12-year-old at heart.

The problem with the telekenesis idea is that telekenesis requires concentration. Essentially, your enemies would occupy a huge part of your thinking as you drag them around and suspend them outside the apartment at night. Thus, as you take revenge, they really still have power over you. However, if you used telekenesis to, say, stop their hearts on the spot, you can go on with your life without a thought for them.

i. bendito: Bite your tongue. You should know better than to insult me by using the word “forgiveness” and the second-person singular pronoun in reference to me in the same sentence.

Y: I admire your creativity. But wouldn’t the spatter inconvenience innocent passersby–including oneself? One would have to do a lot of laundry, and what if one had an important meeting before one would get to the washing machine? There would be a lot of explaining to do.

Jeffrey: It’s all E.S.’s fault. If he hadn’t made me touch moss, none of this would be happening.

john in denver: Oh, my God. I’m totally renting Escape From Witch Mountain today. I haven’t seen it in years. Did you ever see the sequel, Return to Witch Mountain?

Jess: You’re allowed to, of course. But see my comment to Y above.

David: I am shocked at you. Shocked, I say. If I used telekinesis to stop their hearts on the spot, where’s the suffering? Killing people for revenge doesn’t do any good unless they suffer. At the same time, I take your point about concentration. Maybe the thing to do is to cover their bodies in oozing, horribly painful sores that never, ever heal. Or lacerating cuts that sting forever as if they’d just been inflicted.

Oh, Faustus, the ideal solution is right under your nose. Remember “Villains,” the season-six episode of “Buffy” where Willow finally catches up to Warren and then flays him alive with a “Bored now” and a flick of her wrist? Gruesome, excruciating, and leaves you free to get about with the rest of your day. Perfect!