For most of Barack Obama’s second term, referencing the “government shutdown” would present no difficulties of listener comprehension. It was a one-time closure of the everyday functioning of the federal government triggered by intransigent Republicans for spurious philosophical reasons. It was, in fact, The Shutdown, deserving of its definite article.

Shutdowns in the Trump era are destined to be multitudinous. They are in their brevity less like a full power outage and more like a brownout. A light flickers as Rand Paul takes a “principled moral stand” before service resumes, then our shambolic government lurches forward.

Through its “Year in Search 2017”, Google Trends positions itself as the finger on the beating pulse of the interests of our country’s internet users. And while they have the data, their data consists only of the words people physically typed out.

That’s where Rise of the Lizard People comes in. Using a method known only to ourselves that we won’t bother to explain, we’ve gathered the top feelings and thoughts driving frantic Google searches of two-thirds of Americans as the year went sideways and rolled off a cliff.

Searches

1. Oh god we’re all going to die aren’t we?

2. I’ll probably be paying for porn again now that the Internet is no longer free.

Ajit Pai assures us there’s nothing to be worried about by today’s first step towards dismantling Obama-era Net Neutrality rules. He should know – he’s chairman of the Federal Communications Commission and does a pretty mean Harlem Shake!

A bipartisan majority of Americans (83%) are less sanguine. There’s ample reason to suspect newly emboldened telecom companies will institute tiered internet service, disproportionately impacting low-income earners and those living in rural areas. I’ll explain why for a one-time fee of $3.99.