EVANSTON – The Northwestern CTEC Office, responsible for managing course evaluations at the university, reportedly e-mailed the student body on Saturday morning “just to say hey and see how things have been going.”

“I just haven’t heard from you in a while and I was wondering how things were going,” read the e-mail, which was unceremoniously thrusted into the inbox of over 8,000 innocent, unsuspecting undergraduates. “How are the parents? How are classes? Are you still hooking up with that cute girl from your floor freshman year?”

Yes, I saw Anna Karenina for free a day in advance of the US release. Shit was awesome and it was all thanks to some poor marketing intern that probably thought we were a serious publication. LOLZ AMIRITE? We waited in line (skipped by some bitches that recognized each other, but whatevs) and grabbed our seats after paying an enormous amount of money for a pittance of popcorn. Some rows were “reserved” for some “real critics” or some other bullshit, so we sat way in the back.

I know what you’re thinking. “Aren’t you only supposed to violently scrutinize one country, not an entire region of the globe?” So before I embark on my xenophobic hate journey, allow me to succinctly answer your question: No.

Now, without further ado, let’s get this slander ball rolling. In rather uncharacteristic fashion, I have organized this rant into an enumerated series of grievances against that pathetic excuse of a geographic region known as the Caribbean Sea.

The Gulf Coast is also great for tourism, assuming you want to light yourself on fire while scuba diving

Grievance 1: The Gulf of Mexico

Remember that scene in the Lion King in which Mufasa explains to Simba that everything the light touches is his kingdom?* Well, the same goes for The Gulf of Mexico, it’s just different in that everything it touches is unbelievably heinous. Allow me to elaborate on this disgusting area that kind of qualifies as the Caribbean Sea.