Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Bachelorette Episode #5 - A Review

When you choose to be on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette to get famous, you’re stuck with relying on fans of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette to maintain your fame. Are those the people you want to rest your hopes and dreams on?

This week, the crew is in London. Perfect. This is the exact group of Americans that I want representing us in a foreign country.

Chris Harrison greets the guys in Trafalgar Square. For some reason he warns them that one of them will be Emily’s husband. I know he’s going through a tough time with his marriage but he should at least make some kind of effort.

First Date — Sean

The date card reads, “Love takes no prisoners.”

Jef and Arie admit they are jealous. Kalon is just pissed. I don’t feel like he’s going make the best of his time in London.

Sean and Emily take a tour of London on a open-topped double decker bus. That’s apparently what Americans are required to do in London. Emily points out all the landmarks like she knows what’s going on. It’s clear she doesn’t because she’s using her I’m-reading-this voice. They kiss in front of Buckingham Palace.

Sean reveals that he went on his last date about five months ago. When Emily asks why he been on so few dates, he says, “A good girl is hard to find” because, “I’m more of a booty call guy,” wouldn’t fly. She says, “Usually guys as good looking as you are boring. But you are not boring.” This is way too easy so I’ll let you make your own joke here. Please try not to be racist. They go to a place called Speakers Corner. Sean is talked into giving a speech up on a stump. He talks about how he’s never experienced deep love but he’s been in the presence of it because of his parents and grandparents. We get it. You don’t have any love experience but you majored in it and have a high love GPA. We’re still not going to let you manage your own team. This interview is over.

In the evening, they have dinner at the Tower of London. A prison. She keeps saying, “Prisoner of love.” If Sean gets invited to the Fantasy Suite he better bring some handcuffs because she’s definitely into it. She says that King Henry VIII kept his wives where they are eating and she makes a joke about beheading him if he doesn’t play it right. She says, “Now is when you’re going to drop bombs on me.” She really does like it rough. Of course he doesn’t have any bombs to drop. He’s a simple man, there’s nothing to hide. This show is boring.

She’s slowly losing her voice.

He gets the rose. They kiss. Boring.

Back at the House

Jef says, “I didn’t come here to go on group dates.” Kalon responds, “Every day with Emily is going to be a group date with you, her and Ricki.” Jef is pissed off during his testimonial. He uses naughty swear words. The guys are appalled and shocked that he would say something so awful. Which I would believe if he hadn’t said awful things since the day he showed up.

Group Date — Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, Kalon

The date card reads, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” Kalon is pissed that he got the group date. He says, “I don’t believe that. It doesn’t smell sweet, it smells like shit.” Nope, that’s just the fertilizer.

They go to Stratford-upon-Avon. Shakespeare’s birthplace. The guys will be doing scenes from Romeo and Juliet. It’s the “acting date” where one guy gets to kiss the Bachelorette while everyone else watches. The guys all claim to hate acting and yet they signed up for a dating TV show. That’s weird. Even though they hate it, everyone is having fun with it. Except Kalon. He’s taking it way too seriously because that’s what Kalon does. He is selected to play Romeo. Arie and Doug will play the nurse. Ryan will also be Romeo. I believe Travis is playing Mercutio and he plays the hell out of it.

When Emily visits Ryan and Kalon’s rehearsal, Ryan flirts with her about the kiss and Kalon gets pissed and shoos her away. He says, “We need to rehearse, you can move along.” Does he understand the premise of the show? I really hope he’s on Bachelor Pad.

The guys are told there will be a live audience. Everyone freaks out. Doug says, “I don’t want to be embarrassed in front of an audience.” No? You realize you’re on The Bachelorette, right?

Kalon actually looks comfortable in his old time-y costume. He is not comfortable with his lines. He’s just bad.

Arie is very nervous but manages to go over the top and make it funny. Well done, sir.

Ryan gets to kiss Emily in the climactic scene. He takes the opportunity to kiss her twice. Instead of being annoyed, she kind of loves it. She says, “He might be the perfect Romeo.” The Force is strong in this one.

In the evening, they go to a pub for drinks. She immediately slips away with Arie and they make out. Ryan is next. He takes her into a room where he closes the curtains so they can have some privacy. He gives her a necklace. He’s got all sorts of tricks up his sleeve, but can he keep it up for a lifetime of marriage?

Kalon complains, “I’m waiting on a chance to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her.” This sparks a quick round of the other guys talking about Kalon’s trash talking of Emily. Chris tells Arie that Kalon said Emily, “has a lot of baggage.” It gets back to Doug and he decides to ask Kalon about it. Kalon says, “Yeah. I’m not going to apologize for it.” Ah, the ethical asshole: He’s an asshole, but he owns it.

Doug tells Emily. She’s pissed. Emily wants to, “Go West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his ass.” I guess that means asking Kalon if he said Ricki is baggage. He doesn’t deny it tries to explain his way out of it by saying it had a “negative connotation” that he didn’t intend. The term was created specifically for its negative connotation. You don’t get to use it any other way. He won’t deny he said it so Emily says, “Get the fuck out.” In the car he says, “I did say it and I absolutely meant it.” So which is it? Negative connotation or not?

Emily is upset with the guys for not saying something earlier. She goes home without giving out the rose. She no longer trusts any of the guys because they didn’t “fight for her,” not because she has trust issues.

Final Date — Jef

They have afternoon tea with an etiquette teacher. She berates Jef and Emily the entire time they are trying to have tea and eat some tiny sandwiches. When she steps away, they bail and head to a pub. Jef tells her that he was there when Kalon said what he said. He tells her he stood up for her and told Kalon to go home. Then he compares Ricki to a handbag so fancy that even Emily doesn’t recognize the brand. Somehow Emily is okay with this.

They take a ride on the London Eye. Emily says that the whole Kalon thing ruined her confidence in this whole situation. Then they have the longest, most boring conversation ever aired on TV.

He gets the rose.

He misses his chance to kiss her in the London Eye, but once outside he tells her that he felt like he missed some opportunities to “show her” how he feels about her before he actually kisses her. Does he have to recite a monologue before everything he does? Does he ever shut up?

The Cocktail Party

She gives a speech about how hard her week was. She says she lost confidence in the whole process. Really? Just now? You didn’t lose confidence after 23 shows resulted in two actual marriages?

Emily then proceeds to grill all the guys on why they didn’t stand up for her against Kalon. Did she want someone to beat him up? I’m pretty sure she wanted someone to beat him up. I hear Brad is good at that. All of the guys feel bad for not telling her. She’s especially hard on Arie for no real reason. I mean, we know the reason is trust issues but don’t you dare mention it or she’ll go “West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods” on your ass and ask you to leave.

Ryan tries to cheer her up by putting her on a balcony and reciting Shakespeare lines to her. It works. She’s falling for his tricks and she knows it.

Sean is off the hook because he wasn’t there during the Kalon thing. She says he gives her, “butterflies in my heart.” She should get that checked out. That could be a heart murmur.

Now that she has berated the guys like children she claims her faith is renewed.

The Rose Ceremony

Jef and Sean have roses and are safe. One guy goes home. An ominous bell tolls in the background. It would add to the tension if we didn’t already know that Alejandro is going home.

Doug gets the first rose even though it’s clear they are just friends. Arie gets the final rose because she wants to make him sweat. She really does like it rough.