You know how you watch gory, gut squirming videos on cracked.com (or break.com) and subconsciously write them off as fiction, make-believe, jokes, “can never be that bad”, etc. (except for those who tend to believe everything they see on the internet – like the existence of the Illuminati), well, I’m about to force feed you with an encounter I had with something that began life as a mustard sized devil.

I woke up on a Saturday morning and felt some sort of pain on my back and neck. Thinking it was just a mosquito bite, I ignored the pain and went about the day’s business. Monday came and the pain got worse, it even added occasional sharp sting sensations as a bonus and the spot on my neck was already slightly swollen. Perhaps, the mosquito bite got infected. Whatever. I thought I should probably take antibiotics but I’m not a fan of drugs, so I ignored it altogether.

Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday morning. The visible one on my neck was secreting yellowish fluid. I made another conclusion – it must be a boil. Oh my God, my pretty face will be ruined. During one of the pus cleaning rounds, I pressed hard on the swollen bit and out came something suspiciously solid. After examining it closely, I noticed it had ridges of some sort. Wait a minute, a maggot? I just squeezed out a fucking maggot from my neck? Don’t panic Ezra, Google probably has answers. Right Mr. Hat?

Girlfriend said it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence when I told her of it. Well, considering this is the first time this is happening to me in my approximately 9,455 days on earth, that’s fairly uncommon in my books. Two friends I told the maggot story thought I was nuts. “Definitely solidified pus, bro”, they said. The pain in my back continued while the one on me neck subsided. The sharp stinging sensations became more frequent and more painful, causing me to say “fuck” inadvertently in situations where language was otherwise supposed to be kept professional.

I reached my pretend macho limit that evening and found my way to a pharmacy, got a couple of anti-allergy medication, some epidermal cream, and antibiotics. I know, I probably should have just told the pharmacist I think I have more maggots partying inside me but even I didn’t want to accept that fact. My loss. Turns out I paid for stuff I totally didn’t need.

Friday was hell.

By Saturday, I had enough of it. A friend came over and was conscripted to play mom – you know, the whole hot water treatment while pinning me down amidst screams and shit. I was a big baby. Eventually, the wound was cleaned. Later in the evening, girlfriend called to know how I was doing and insisted I got my ass off the bed and get my back checked out in a mirror. That’s when I saw something sticking out. I grabbed a wad of tissue to clean it and…

…fuck, its a maggot. “I know”, she said. No. Its a fucking huge maggot. There it was, right in my hands. The cause of my pains for the past couple of days. Wait, its head just bobbed to the left. Oh my God, its alive. “I’m gonna have to call you back”.

I turned on my phone camera and proceeded to take a couple of shots. I couldn’t help but imagine the look on my friends’ faces when I show them concrete evidence of my maggot theory.

Of course, I recorded a couple of videos too, thanks to my lens’ not so capable focal length. Notice how my quest to prove myself overshadowed the fact that I just pulled out a live maggot from my body?

After all was said and done, I called my girlfriend back (now this is where the beauty of having a girlfriend with a medical background really shines). She went ahead to calmly tell me about this insect called a botfly. It captures mosquitoes in flight, shits its eggs on their faces, and releases them. These mosquitoes then “innocently” drop off the eggs on unsuspecting victims during their feeding rounds. The eggs detect the change in surrounding temperature and then hatch, leaving the larva to slowly crawl into the skin through sweat pores and, you know, chill for the next 8 to 12 weeks and getting fat while at it. This guy barely lasted 7 days in me. Now try to picture how huge it would have gotten if it lasted 84.

Feel free to search for “botfly” on YouTube if you’re into watching bugs crawl out of living humans’ bodies.

In the meantime, I have set up a campaign on Indiegogo called #SaveEzra. Proceeds from this campaign will go into purchasing the Samsung Galaxy Note II and maybe unlimited data for the next twelve months depending on how well you guys perform. For donation inspiration, have a second (or seventh) look at the maggot above. Thank you.