Category Archives: leadership

In my coaching groups, I regularly try to help youth workers navigate tension and conflict with their church leadership (senior pastor, or other leadership). Here’s a quick list of practices that can prevent conflict, or help you navigate it if it already exists:

Continually clarify and unearth expectations

Exercise curiosity; Look for the “positive intent”

Be honest with myself about my own motives, desires, and dreams

Exercise full disclosure, even when it feels like the wrong move in the short run

Look at your contribution to any failure, even if it was only 10% of the problem

Hold these two things in tension:

Don’t add drama (don’t make things personal, don’t assume motive)

Enter courageously into places of conflict

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I spin plates. I’m really good at it. Do you know what I mean? I have so many tasks and projects and ideas that demand my attention and focus: they require that I keep reaching toward them, giving them a little spin, to keep them from crashing to the ground.

Someone once asked me if my concern was that I wouldn’t know what to do if one or more plates crashed to the ground. But that’s not my issue. The issue for me is that I’ve often not been convinced I would know who I am, in a deep inner-life sort of way, if the plates no longer required spinning. After all, plate-spinner has become an identity.

Maybe, like me, you’re a youth worker. You passionately pour yourself out into the projects and people of youth ministry. But that’s not who you are. Do you know that, at a deep level? Do you know that you are so much more than what you do?

I’ve been on a long journey to separate “who I am” from “what I do.” Or, as a wise person said to me, to turn both “who I am” and “what I do” over to the transformational, redemptive work of God. So, if you hear a loud ripping sound coming from San Diego, you can assume it’s me. Want to join me?

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Anyone with healthy or unhealthy resistance to change (most of us have this) need a dose of courage from time to time to push us in the direction of innovation. Here’s what I have learned: I cannot make myself have courage anymore than I can make myself have the fruit of the Spirit. Spiritual courage comes from the Holy Spirit.

The etymology of the word itself tells us this. The root of courage (“cour”) means “heart”; and courage literally means “to have a full heart.” Excitement and praise and rewards and potential can partially fill my heart. But they’re not sustainable. My heart can only be truly topped off in the face of significant risk by the fuel of the Holy Spirit.

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i’m a firm believer in the opportunity brought on by failure. shoot, my journey is littered with much more failure than success. some real doozies! and there is NO question in my mind that i have learned 10 times more–no, probably 100 times more–from my failures than from my successes.

of course, there are vastly different kinds of failure. off the top of my head (i wonder if someone has written a book along these lines?), i’d divide them into:

failure from stupid–even knowingly stupid–choices. an opportunity to learn.

failure from lack of ability. an opportunity to learn (at least about oneself and one’s limitations).

failure from lack of trying. this is the worst kind, in my opinion. still an opportunity to learn, of course.

failure from trying–from a risk that didn’t work out. this is the best and most noble kind of failure, i believe. in fact, i think of this as “noble failure.” most of our youth ministries (and churches) must get into a cycle of change and embrace the concept of noble failure if they’re going to survive in the years to come. The Youth Cartel tries to embrace this (though sometimes we fail!). we’ll say, “oh, yeah, that. it was a noble failure. we did our research, found a good partner, had good assumptions, but it didn’t work out. it was a great opportunity to learn.” of course, this is easier said than done.

this is really off the top of my head; but i’d love to develop this thinking further (shoot, maybe i should write a book or article called “noble failure.” or, maybe that’s someone else’s term and i’m totally ripping it off and just don’t remember!). are there categories of failure significantly outside of those four? would love your input.

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i recently found a link to an article that i’d sent myself via email 6 months ago. yeah, i have some strange ways of keeping track of things. deal with it.

really insightful and challenging article in huffpo about the 18 things highly creative people do differently. i think i’m somewhat creative; and i do some of the things on this list pretty regularly. but i would be exponentially more creative if i leaned into these babies a bit more. click through to read the whole article (it’s really worth it, and an easy read); but here’s a list of the 18 habits:

They daydream.

They observe everything.

They work the hours that work for them.

They take time for solitude.

They turn life’s obstacles around.

They seek out new experiences.

They “fail up.”

They ask the big questions.

They people-watch.

They take risks.

They view all of life as an opportunity for self-expression.

They follow their true passions.

They get out of their own heads.

They lose track of the time.

They surround themselves with beauty.

They connect the dots.

They constantly shake things up.

They make time for mindfulness.

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i was looking over some old notes from leadership team retreats, and found some great stuff for personal and team development. i remember when our freakishly insightful consultant, mark dowds, led our team in these exercises, first making commitments to ourselves, then to each other. both are surprisingly difficult and vulnerable.

it was fun to read my 6 year-old response to the question, “what am i committed to for myself?” i’ve had SO much change in my life and faith and vision over the last four or five years; so it was interesting to me that these still ring pretty true.

i am committed to passionate living — i must have a significant portion of my involvements be things i can be passionate about.

i am committed to growth: in self-knowledge, in emotional intelligence, in knowledge about subjects that interest me, in leadership, in spiritual fruit, in new and refined skills.

i am committed to a life of joy.

i am committed to experiences — i want to experience more people, places, situations and involvements; and to experience more of god.

i am committed to a full life.

how about you? what are your commitments to yourself?

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really, i’m going to make this up right now. ’cause i gots me a little burst o’ passion that i think will translate to twittery bits (ooh, “twittery bits” probably used to mean something very different). so here we go… i’m gonna wing this!

sometimes you fake it until you’re able to break it. that’s when things might get good.

“the ways we do things around here” could be, just might be, a really wonderful and good thing. take a second look before you discard it.

might is shite

“who i’m responsible for” can be legitimately in tension with “what i’m passionate about.” but not for long, or you’ll wilt.

you need a “how could this possibly succeed?” moment at least twice a year.

crossing t’s and dotting i’s is for scribes. is that all you are?

there are a thousand legitimate things you could do with the next hour.

loosening your grip is the second most important component of growth.

i want to play with people who are weird. i want to work with those who are odd. the edge of change is always populated with weird and odd folk.

in some ways, the youth ministry coaching program gave birth to The Youth Cartel. at least, YMCP existed before TYC. and it’s still one of our flagship programs. to date, 99 youth workers are either graduates or current participants in one of our 9-month online or year-long face to face cohorts. personally, it’s been one of the greatest ministry joys of my life, and i LOVE LOVE LOVE seeing the growth and transformation of these people and seeing them become some of my closest ministry friends. in fact, i have a 2-day working reunion in a week with my first nashville cohort, which met in 2010 and early 2011. we have all, to a person, stayed in close touch (thanks to a secret facebook group), and our reunion will both an ongoing opportunity for growth and a freaking party.

i’m very close to filling multiple new cohorts, and am ready to announce a brand new one. here’s the run-down:

San Diego

my third san diego cohort didn’t fill up earlier this year. i have 5 or 6 people committed, and we only need 8 here in san diego to make a go of it (since i don’t have travel costs). i would love to start this cohort early in the new year, and wonder if there are any more people who are interested. you don’t have to live in SoCal, though the travel costs certainly shift if you don’t! the most recent addition to that pending group lives in dallas.

Columbia, South Carolina

the south carolina conference of the united methodist church started talking about forming their own YMCP cohort early this year. and at this point, we have 7 committed people, ready to go. we need 10 for that cohort, so we’re looking for 3 more people. this cohort would really be ideal for any UMC youth workers in the southeast — SC, NC, GA, VA, WV, TN, KY, and even northern FL. and hey, if you’re interested in this and aren’t in a UMC church, i think we can make an exception. :) oh, we’re hoping to start this cohort before the year’s end — maybe in early december.

Nashville

my current nashville wraps up in november. i don’t have concrete plans yet, but i’ll likely open up the application process for a new nashville cohort that i’ll hope to launch in late winter or spring of 2014.

EPC cohort

the evangelical presbyterian church has been trying to fill a cohort for most of this year. they have 5 committed, so we still need 5 more. they’re just now exploring opening it up to non-EPC youth workers, as well as some additional ideas. the location of this cohort isn’t set yet, but it’s likely to be in either western PA or nashville. if you’re an EPC youth worker, talk to me! and if you’re not, i’ll announce the actual plan at some point, if we open it up to non-EPCers.

and here’s the AWESOME BIG DEAL YMCP ANNOUNCEMENT

the amazing april diaz, in partnership with me, will be launching a YMCP cohort exclusively for women in youth ministry. april and i have taken the best of the face to face format and the online format and are launching this cohort in a hybrid approach. the cohort will strictly limited to 8 participants (+ april; and i’ll probably be a “guest coach” at a couple meetings).

here’s april’s description of her vision for this group:

This 10 month whole-life coaching program is all about developing and empowering you as a woman in leadership. Being a woman in youth ministry is different. It demands unique skills and awareness as we approach the challenges and opportunities due to our gender. We will learn across a scope of subjects including theology, practical life realities, leading men, and issues defined by this group. This specialized cohort has 8 women in leadership, and meets twice for 2 days plus 4 times online (2-3 hours each). Each time is very intentional and structured to provide encouragement, challenge, and transformation. This cohort provides customized attention to your specific context and needs as a woman in youth ministry.

and here’s the unique (hybrid) schedule we came up with:

January – face-to-face, 2 days (in orange county, CA)

February – online, 3 hours

April – online, 3 hours

June – online, 3 hours

August – online, 3 hours

September – face-to-face , 2 days (in orange county, CA)

we hope to fill april’s cohort quickly, so dates (particularly for the january meeting) can be collaboratively locked in soon.

details, details

all of the year-long face to face cohorts have a $3000 fee. i realize that might seem steep to some of you. but i can tell you this: not one single person who has gone through the program has said it was overpriced, and many have said it was underpriced. sure is cheaper than a semester of grad school, yet the impact on your life and ministry will be exponentially greater.

the women in youth ministry cohort, however, since it’s a hybrid, is $1750.

i think it’s likely i’ll start a couple more online cohorts in early 2014 also. those have worked well, and i just finished two of them and have two more about halfway through the 9 month process. the cost of the online groups is $900.

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some time ago, a friend send me a link to this online article, written by bob hopkins, about the sort of people who are able to foment change in the large, change-resistant world of british anglicanism. he calls these people “loyal radicals.”

i thought the insights were absolutely brilliant, and have SO much application for the coaching work i do with youth workers, who are all too often (understandably) frustrated with the change-resistance of their churches.

my slightly edited version of hopkins’ definition of a loyal radical:

Loyal Radicals are grass roots leaders who are passionate about mission and change, but are totally committed to the church [or organization] they belong to and are working for change from within.

here are the traits of loyal radicals he draws out:

Love the church (or organization) they are a part of, even though they are passionate for change (and often frustrated by institutional resistance to change).

Love of the church (or organization) is fueled by faith that God is able to bring about change, even when it seems impossible or unlikely. It’s a positive, hopeful perspective, built more on a theological perspective than on optimism.

An attitude of expectancy.

A strategy of pressing forward with confidence that there is a way forward, a way around the obstacles. They “look for the slightest crack in the door, sticking your foot firmly in it and keep pressing it there as long as it takes to ease the door open.” They find and leverage “healthy creative pressure points.”

Their strategy is one of “benevolent subversion.”

They gather and disseminate stories of pioneering success.

They network with other Loyal Radicals for learning and encouragement.

They have a ton of patience.

in my coaching program (YMCP), one of the assigned readings is a quirky little book called Orbiting the Giant Hairball. it’s a former Hallmark Cards creative’s thoughts about how to remain creative while involved in an organization with tendencies to draw you into the hairball of its bureaucracies. but, really, it’s about being a loyal radical (though the author never uses that term). there’s great dove-tailing, certainly, between the book and the ideas above.

over and over again i chat with youth worker (or other ministry leaders) who would love to see change in the organization they are a part of; but they’re often not willing or interested in the “loyal” half — they just want to be the radical. problem is: that almost never works. radicals can influence change, to be sure. but radicals influence change from outside the organization, exercising a prophetic voice. if that’s you, go with it (just be ready for a diet of locusts and honey). but if you really want to see change in a church or organization that you love even while it frustrates the heck out of you, then spend some time reflecting on this idea of a loyal radical, and how you can more fully embody the traits listed above.

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recently in one of my coaching groups, we were talking about our propensity to try to control. i see this in so many of our youth ministry approaches: an attempt to control the outcomes.

one of the participants asked me for a definition of control, and i responded with this: minimizing variables and maximizing efficiencies for predictable outcomes.

yup: i’m so prone to doing that in my life. and it’s pervasive in american church culture.

today in the mail the latest copy of youthwork magazine arrived from the UK. and i’d forgotten that i’d written my last “epilogue” column (which they call Mark: My Words. ha! get it?) on this same subject. here’s what i wrote:

A month ago I was struggling–obsessing, really–with my income. Being self-employed can have that impact. In my three and a half years of self-employment, I’ve yet to have a significant financial problem; but that doesn’t keep me from freaking out from time to time. I look at my little tracking spreadsheet, and my mind starts to wander down completely useless and unhelpful pathways.

I’m not going to have enough money.
How will I pay my daughter’s university fees?
What if this is the beginning of the end?
We’re going to be living in the gutter soon!

But here I am, a month later, realizing that God provided, yet again. It wasn’t one of those dramatic stories I’ve often heard of an anonymous envelope of cash in the post. Instead, it was through the most regular and mundane of provisions: some projects I’d been working on came together.

And I was reminded of a connection that I’ve learned many times. I’ve been speaking and writing a bit on the subject of biblical hope lately. And one of the points I always make is that hope isn’t something we can make. I can’t bear down and try harder and suddenly have more hope.

Instead, hope (not optimism!) is a gift from God. Hope comes to me, usually in the midst of suffering, dissatisfaction with the way things are, and an honest cry out to God.

When I talk to teenagers about the fruit of the Spirit, I try to make a similar point. we don’t choose to be fruity. Fruit is a result of a life connected to the Spirit. It’s a gift, really. And our all the effort in the world, even with the correct leverage, won’t suddenly result in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Effort might give me hemorrhoids, but not much else.

There’s so much I try to control. Finances, hope, and spiritual fruit are only three of a very, very long list. And I think I’m learning that my open hands toward God–a position of release and request–is the stance that ultimately gives me what I truly long for.

This is true in every aspect of youth work also. So many of our youth work efforts are about control. We try to control the behavior of teenagers. We position ourselves in an attempt to control church leader’s opinions of us and our work. We control programs like lab scientists, as if the perfect mix of this and that will necessarily result in engagement, attendance, compliance and spiritual growth.

But, ultimately, we all know that it’s God who brings about transformation in the lives of teenagers, not our crafty talks or hipster songs or The Best Game Ever.

So then: what role do I play? I mean: I’m supposed to do something, right? Whether in my own interior life or my family’s well being or the spiritual formation of the teenagers in my ministry: I’m not just supposed to sit and wait, believing that God will do something, right?

That’s the tension there for me. Part of me believes that a little more sitting and waiting on God is exactly what’s called for, and just might be the antidote to my ongoing forays into control and manipulation.

But I also believe that God invites me to play an active role. I get to participate!

I need to be reminded that my active participation with God looks like me being the kid with the weird lunch at the miraculous feeding of the 5000.Could Jesus have fed the crowd without the kid’s participation? Sure.
Was the kid necessary for the will of God to happen that day? Not really.
Would the miracle have happened were it not for the kid’s involvement? We don’t know.
But we can be confident about this: that kid would never have been the same. You know he told that story to his grandkids.

My personal finances. The hope in my heart. The fruit of the Spirit in my life. The spiritual growth of the teenagers in my charge. They all beckon with the same invitation: Step up, open up your hands, release control, and give your “lunch.”

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I’m Mark Oestreicher

I'm a partner in The Youth Cartel, providing services and resources for individual youth workers and organizations. I’ve been married to Jeannie for 28 years, and have two great kids: Liesl (20) and Max (16).
Here's The Youth Cartel's website.
twitter: @markosbeard
instagram: @whyismarko