Michael,
Would you like to have any alteration on your testimony, you can inform me for your input.

Regards,
Boss

Attached with the crudely written email, was a letter of testimony written by him. After I’ve read the letter, I did not know whether to laugh or cry. You can check it out yourself, the content of the letter is as follows:

29th July 2010

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

Subject: Testimonial for Michael Ooi

Michael Ooi has joined the company on [date]. Throughout his services in the company, he was attached to [department] as [position]. He is solely in charge of [lab name] for products testing & reliability function. He grows together with the [Company X].

He has demonstrated his dedication to work assigned. He is definite a good team player and diligent in carry out the task that assigned to him.

I am confident with his strong technical knowledge and positive work attitude that will equipped him for future career.

We thanks Michael Ooi for his valuable contribution to our team and wish him all the best on his future endeavors.

Thank you.

Yours truly,
[Boss’ name]
[Position], [Department]
Company X

I really did not know what to say. I wanted to tell him that the letter sucked-ass so bad, that I felt like swallowing a computer mouse. But alas, I didn’t do it, because it was done in good faith. It’s like a cat came to you with a dead rat hoping you’d be impressed. It would be plain wrong to kick the animal and send it away, because in its best perception with a least intelligent mind, that rat carcass was the best thing ever it wanted to give you.

So I did what I should – I politely declined the letter, and thanked him for his thoughtful act.
[The letter actually made me more depressed, mahai…]

I was at a restaurant today having my breakfast, when I saw an uninvited guest came ambling in. A stray female cat (no balls, had to be a female). One of the restaurant helpers, a scrawny Indian bloke (let’s call him Appu for conveniences’ sake), was given the simple task by the manager, to evict the animal from the premise. Now, this would have been a simple task for virile men like you and me. But for Appu, he had a problem. He looked as if he was given the task to diffuse an armed nuclear warhead!

Appu literally stood there for about 20 – 30 seconds, before he decided to pinch that flab of skin behind the cat’s neck to haul its ass out of the restaurant. But because the cat was quite big, the ‘grab’ didn’t quite hold, and the cat didn’t even leave ground. Instead, for some strange fucking reasons, the cat became somewhat aroused and then lolled promiscuously to its side like it was expecting Appu to give it an oral sex or something… and started to purr softly. Appu then became confused because he expected hostility from the animal, but instead he found an unlikely suitor in match, which probably was considered an epic regression from even the tragic bride his mother chose for him back in India.

So the whole thing comically repeated for like, half a dozen times, with each time the cat becoming more and more aroused. If the cat could speak, it would have said “Oh yeessss come fuck me bebeh!!”. I almost barfed out my breakfast from the severe gagging. But eventually, Appu managed to drag the cat-in-heat out of the restaurant, with a choke hold rather than a pinch of skin. Not really a good way to treat a lover, but nevertheless entertaining, albeit in a pussy kind of way.

If you’re somewhat like Appu, scared of any four limbed animal bigger than the size of an apple, you should probably just contemplate to undergo a sex change operation at Thailand. Or, you can use the PCK maneuver.

1) P for Position with left foot (or right) next to the cat.
2) C for Cock back the other foot.
3) K for Kick, as hard as you can.

The result will be – a confused feline achieving flight at high velocity without the aid of wings or technology, out of the unwanted area, of course.

And I mistakenly thought people from India are tough or something, with the violent fighting and stunts in their action movies and whatnots…

I was having my lunch with a bunch of workmates when a clueless dolt colleague (a male) asked me a silly question,

“Hey Michael, do you have any idea which part of the cow is the rib-eye?”

A cow has many parts with specific names and only 2 are known to me. ‘Edible’ and ‘inedible’. ‘Edible’ is like, the meat part, and ‘inedible’ is parts like hooves, horns, bones, etc. So obviously, it was a mistake to ask me because I don’t give a shit which part of the cow is rib-eye, sirloin or groin, as long as it is meat and it is edible. But I was trying to be creative with my reply, and shot him this,

“It’s the dark and wrinkled region between the cow’s penis and nutsack.”

Imagine that in Hokkien, with luncheow and lamphar. That was what I said.

It was meant to be a sarcastic reply but I totally forgot that my manager also brought a female guest and she was just sitting right beside that colleague (how could I miss her, escapes me), and she heard everything I said. *facepalms*

My colleague tried to discreetly alert me about her being right next to him and that was when I went ‘Oh shit!’, and braced myself for a potentially career threatening situation. Luckily, she took it well and let out a sporting laugh. But still, ‘PHEW!’. It could have been tragic if the female guest was an asshole and went to our HR to lodge a complain.

What a stupid boner. This wasn’t the first time I got into shit like that.

[source]Bar Council: Police identification a standard procedure
PETALING JAYA: Police officers should identify themselves regardless of whether they are in uniform or not, said Bar Council chairman Ragunath Kesavan.

He said that showing police identity cards should be the standard operating procedure for officers when approaching suspects or members of the public.

“Police officers must produce their identity cards to show their name and badge number.”

Ragunath said this when asked to comment on the front-page article in yesterday’s Sunday Star in which police have proposed gazetting blue uniforms as the police’s so they had exclusive rights as it was difficult to tell them apart from other agencies and security guards who wore similar dark blue uniforms.

This follows complaints from the public over alleged abuse by “men in blue” who eventually turned out to be enforcement officers from local councils and other agencies or security guards in the private sector.

An informal survey had also found that most people could not tell the difference between genuine badges/paraphernalia and the fake ones, which are widely available and often misused.

Petaling Jaya OCPD Asst Comm Arjunaidi Mohamed disagreed with Ragunath saying that uniformed police officers were not required to show their identification cards as the full uniforms would show that they were genuine police officers.

He said plainclothes police officers, however, are required to show their identity cards for obvious reasons.

“Those who impersonate police officers usually do not wear uniforms,” he added.

Asked whether the public should be hesitant in requesting police officers to produce their identity cards, he said “there should not be a problem about doing so (asking for it).”

You know, it’s really sad that a ‘developing nation’ like us could go into such a quandary – arguing whether or not law enforcement officers should have their own gazetted uniform and produce identification to make an arrest.

I was thinking, who actually gives a crap?? Definitely not me. So what if the police were to wear a striped red and yellow clown suit to discern them from the others?? It’s just a SUIT! Same shit in different packaging! I say, they should spend all their energy to work on their PR skills instead. And buff up their competency which they grossly lacked. Some police officers have bigger pot belly than a whale and still type their report with 1 finger (and of course, the inability to shoot the right people). They seem to have bigger problems at hand than the self proclaimed identity crisis.

But if they insist, then maybe they can just tattoo ‘POLIS’ on their forehead (yeah, like what they did in “Inglorious Basterds”) and don’t have to worry about wearing a uniform or identifying themselves. To verify if the tattoo is genuine, we can just scrape the officer’s forehead with a piece of Scotch Brite with a little spit…