“What are you giving up?”

For many years, I “gave up” meat and cheese. Just giving up meat was never enough; I didn’t “feel it” until I added cheese. For two or three years, I fasted until sundown. I found this to be a surprisingly rich discipline–by the end of a day, I felt small (in comparison to the Divine, to the universe, to my creator). It was good to remember the limits of my body, to feel dependent.

This year, I’ve made a harder choice. Make-up. I’m giving up cosmetics. This is going to be a long walk.

First of all, let me say that I love make-up. I love the colors, the tiny pots and brushes, glitter, the quick intimacy of department store make-overs–a stranger’s hand brushing on eyeshadow, other customers stopping to comment upon my eyelashes or lipcolor. But…

In the past year, I’ve noticed that I really don’t like the way I look without it. If I only have a few minutes in the morning, and am running late, I would rather put on mascara than get a drink of water, or make sure I have what I need for work or school. I’d rather make sure I have the lipstick I want for the day than spend a few minutes in morning reflection, or in making a lunch. What does this say about my priorities, of how I perceive and rank my needs? I don’t like what these choices tell me about myself.

Also, I’m uncomfortable that evidence bears out that I don’t like the way I look. Well…I rather don’t, really, without make-up. My skin is too fair, my eyelashes are invisible without color, and my lips barely show up at all. I feel like a big, blank moon-face, devoid of color without make-up. And I don’t wear a lot! Sigh.

But I do believe that I should be accepting of the way I look. And I do believe that I need to engage these feelings of trepidation and self-criticism. Lent’s the perfect season in which to engage this inner struggle/dialogue/exploration. I just wish it didn’t start tomorrow… I’m not ready to go out into the world bare-faced, yet.

I have, though, an inner sense that I should, and that this disbalanced feeling of “I’m not ready!” is natural, and precedes all spiritual growth.