Wash, DC - (June 11) -
A buncha corporate shitbags and corporate shitbag
wannabes, met with a buncha sanctimonious government and
academic losers somewhere, yesterday, to decide how far
online computer users would have to bend over in order
to receive the hard throbbing shitcock of money-grubbing
online capitalist slimeball pigs.

See, apparently a lot of people aren't, like, totally
enamored of the fact that a buncha scumsucking
capitalist corporate shitbags wanna know everything
about them -- from who and what and why they're fucking
who and what, to what the favorite candy bar of their
favorite Saturday morning cartoon character is.

"See," said Rebecca Firestone, CEO of the Eat Our
Worthless Shit, Anyway, Corporation, "The more
information we have about consumers, the more painlessly
we will be able to ram our useless worthless shit down
their otherwise useless fucking throats."

"Of course," she was also quick to point out "Many
additional benefits will also accrue to online users if
corporate whores are allowed to thoroughly probe the
innermost recesses of their anal and cortical regions.
So they [consumers] should, like, just shut the fuck up
and take it."

"For example," said Kirk Vomit Jr., CEO of Gimme All
Your Money and Shut the Fuck Up, Inc., a subsidiary of
Firestone's Eat My Worthless Shit, You Loser Inc, of
Chicago, Illinois, "What happens if a consumer loses his
or her little dog, Millie or Checkers, or whatever. Or
their little 6-month-old baby accidentally disappears?
Well, if we have a complete data base of who's fucking
who and why, and a complete data base of everybody's
favorite candy bar, and favorite dildo flavor, then
it'll be totally simple to find their little lost dog
Checkers or Millie or whoever, or their poor little lost
6-month-old baby."

To prove his point, Vomit opened a large box containing
a buncha missing dogs and 5 or 6 missing 6-month-old
infants. "Now these dogs and infants," he said, "Are
all missing -- and if we had a big data base of
everybody's favorite creepy perversions, then we could
immediately find the owners of these dogs and babies.
But we don't have such a data base yet, or, at least,
the one we have doesn't include everybody, so
shut the fuck and stop whining, you buncha losers. You
people oughta' learn to be proud of being mindless,
soulless consumers of our mindless, soulless products.
It'll help you pass the time while you're standing
there, bent over, waiting to receive our, you know,
cornucopian schlong."

Toward the end of the first day's meetings and panel
discussions, an 8-year-old transvestite accidentally
wandered into the room, probably on acid, and had the
fucking audacity to shout down the speaker with what
he/she thought was the real simple solution to the whole
online privacy issue, "Hey," he/she said, "Why doesn't
everybody just, you know, like, MIND THEIR OWN FUCKING
BUSINESS."

Of course, she/he, being only 8 at the time, had no
direct appreciation of how utterly wrong-headed and dumb
his/her "solution" was, given that it would've caused
everyone in the room to immediately lose their cushy
fucking sinecures and have to go out and get, you know,
like, real jobs, where every workday would begin with
the, uh, delivery of their own, highly
personalized, random, deep, corporate-sponsored, anal
probe report.