Constitution of the Gutter

We the People of the Guardian newspaper, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Humor, ensure literary Poignancy, provide for the common laughter, promote general Amusement, and secure the Blessings of Journalism to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Gutter of UC San Diego.

We aim to Delight our audience, above all other Matters.

We vow to publish articles of a scatalogical, Provacative nature.

All organizations and departments of this imperfect Union, UC San Diego, shall be covered with utter Fearlessness.

We swear to provide for the public interest News and Opinion, guaranteed hot off the WordPress.

No writer shall go unheard. All who wish to contribute their mutual Energies toward the creation of a Better, Sharper analysis of university life shall receive due attention.

We shall serve as the Emotional laxative, to ease the Agony of university Life.

Okay, enough of this 1770s shit. We’re here. We’re the Gutter, and we’ll be publishing funny content for everyone. Like the United States, we’re free — free to read, free to mock, free to love.

Some ground rules: We are not the Koala, the MQ, the Conch, or the Onion. We are superior to these lowly publications. Our style is cultivated and refined, like the French. When we sip champagne, we keep our pinkies up. When we smoke, we vape. When we promise quality, we deliver.

At the Gutter, we enshrine opinion and oppose objectivity. Our articles will shed light on the ordinary, the everyday, even the taboo. In a perfect world, there would be no need for a site like this. Thank God that’s not the case. We’re in the business of writing, and we’re listed on the DOW. (Invest now!)

That’s it. We hope you’ll accept us as we are. And if you hate us, then please complain, loudly and specifically, about the Gutter on your social media(s). Read our articles and smile? That’s the dream, baby.