Brutal, Merciless Shooting Thankfully Not Linked to Terrorism

NEW YORK, NY – A brutal shooting that recently left 2 people dead and several wounded outside the Empire State Building is not believed to be linked to terrorism, say relieved news sources.

Even though 11 people were wounded after the gunman killed a former co-worker with a gunshot to the head, it has been confirmed that no one in the vicinity – including numerous lucky police officers, residents and tourists – was, at any point, terrorized by the perpetrator.

“The one redeeming factor in this appalling tragedy is that the suspect, Jeffrey Johnson, did not set out to frighten anyone or to spread fear across Manhattan,” said New York City Mayor, Michael Bloomberg. “He just wanted to kill lots of people.”

“We are just so thankful that all casualties will still be able to put this relatively easy-going incident behind them and feel safe to walk the streets of New York again.”

Meanwhile, the New York Police Department has issued a statement advising anyone visiting the corner of Fifth Avenue and West 34th Street “not to be alarmed by the line of police tape surrounding the blood-stained sidewalk.”

“It’s not anything to get upset about,” said NYPD Commissioner, Raymond Kelly. “No bombs were set off. Just go and enjoy this lovely day in Manhattan.”