Thursday, April 15, 2010

Trying to not feel like I'm doing it all backwards

I've heard it said that one half of life is figuring out what you want to do with it. The other, more important, half is finding who you want to be there with you. When I was young it was drilled into me (whether it was intentional or not) that the order of things was University (college, as they say on this side of the border), a career, marriage and then kids. There is part of me that feels like a failure on a regular basis because I am lacking the career. At the same time, there is the idea out there to follow what makes you happy and then everything else will fall into place.

In order for Big Love and I to move to this place so that he could start his career in church music, I gave up a short career in voice instruction and professional singing. I had only been out of school for a few years and I was just starting to figure out what it might take to be able to do more of it. After making the decision to move I truly believe that there would be opportunities for me here. I didn't think that I would be giving up everything. I whole-heartedly believed that coming here had purpose for me. At this point in time I do not know what that purpose is.

I spend my days with Sweet One. Playing with her and doing everything else a SAHM does. I would not trade the moments of watching her learn new things for anything. I want to be at home with her now. But that doesn't mean I haven't had my moments of fear and frustration lately. I am afraid that the longer I stay at home the further I get to ever having a career; I am frustrated that I am even further away from knowing what it is that I am meant to do. I say meant to do because there is a part of me that believes there is something out there that will give meaning to my life and enable me to feel like I am fulfilling my true potential. I have never wanted to spend my entire adult life being a SAHM and I know that should that be all I do I will not be happy.

Perhaps in five or ten years down the road I will look back at my time in this town as a place where we could own our first home and get some debt paid off. With the low cost of living here I am able to stay at home with Sweet One and still have a few small luxuries here and there. (It's also been a place that has taught me, hard and quick, how to live within our means!) For now I will try to focus on that second part of life - who it is I want to be there with me.

This has been on my mind for awhile and I've been struggling lately and so I thought putting it out there might help me sort it out a bit. This post is a bit of a scattered mess and I apologize for that.

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About Me

I moved to a small town in 2006 where people thrive on knowing everybody's business and kindred spirits are as hard to find as a good haircut. I am married to a man who, despite his tall and skinny frame, shows me a love so big that keeps on growing. Our daughter was born in January 2009 and our "Little Man" joined us the first day of April 2011. Being called Mommy makes my skin crawl - I much prefer Mama or Mum. Constantly hoping Sweet One won't wake up too early, we are learning what each day with two kids is all about. I love coffee and going to matinees. I watch too much tv. I've been told that I "think too much" and so with my heart on my sleeve, I come to this page hoping to clear my head and make sense of myself, this place and my life.