Laura Beck

Say you're a 90-year-old man and your wife is well into her 80s. Say you're not satisfied with the level of carnal passion between the two of you, and so you decide to take a new wife. And by take a new wife, I mean buy a 15-year-old from her father. Well, then you'd be shit out of luck, because your bride is gone and your money is, too. Sorry, perv :((((

Our story begins (and ends) in Saudi Arabia, where, according to Gulf News, the 90-year-old man proposed to the teenager by offering her parents 45,000 riyal dowry (about $12,000 U.S.). The dad accepted the offer, and the groom generously agreed to fund the fête.

However, on the wedding night, the girl locked herself in a room and refused to allow her 90-year-old now husband in. Awfully, she spent the night crying, and the next morning, the man called her family to "reason" with her.

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When the family arrived, they found the girl sitting in her torn wedding dress, sobbing. You know, as one is wont to do on their wedding day when they're 15 years old and being sold to a 90-year-old.

The family allegedly took the bride home, and when the groom later visited to claim his newly-calm teen bride, the family refused. The man then asked for his dowry back instead, but the family had already spent it, and so he took them to court.

Following several sessions, the court last week ruled to end of the marriage, but said that the family had to give the dowry back.

"I did not want the dowry money back, and I still want my wife to come home," the man said. "I am going to take the case to a court this week to rule on the conspiracy by the family to take my money. My wife's family have now taken her out to Riyadh so that I cannot reach her."

This sounds like a bit of a scam on both sides, right? The 90-year-old is trying to skeeve himself into the pants of a 15-year-old, and the family is trying to take the 90-year-old money and run. Who's zooming who in this awful forced marriage between a child and a nonagenarian?

Oooh, or maybe the family is a bunch of vigilante schemers who were willing to sacrifice their child momentarily to get some of that good riyal and teach the demented perv a lesson? Probably not because the world isn't that great, but this isn't the first time this same man married a 15-year-old. No, apparently 18 months ago, he married a Yemeni girl of fifteen. She allegedly stayed with him for about a month before fleeing and seeking help from a village dignitary.