'Where are the normal men?' A Japanese woman tells of five online dating woes

Online dating can be a hellish experience, but in these modern, impersonal times, what other choice do most people have? In Japan, with the custom of parents setting up omiai (organized marriages) for their children dying out, many are taking matters into their own hands, using modern methods. But online dating websites and apps seem tailor-made for adulterers, time-wasters and players to run amok unchecked, leaving those who are actually seeking a genuine connection having to wade through a sea of nonsense in order to potentially find love.

For Japan’s single women in their 30s, an extra layer of “marriage desperation” can make this search even more fraught. While Japan does have several apps dedicated to serious dating, even they can find it difficult to filter the frivolous fish through their net. We recently chatted with “A-san”, a single, 30-something woman who’s been through the online dating mill, and she told us about five of the worst time-wasting, self-serving offenders she’s encountered through the course of over 30 in-person dating-app dates.

1. That guy who… asked her to split the bill (by text the following day)

“I don’t expect a man to pay for everything in this day and age. I’m fine with splitting the bill. But it’s true that when the guy pays, it makes him more appealing to me. It’s best if they casually pay while I’m in the toilet. I like that kind of smooth move. Okay so what happened one time, I had a guy send me a message by LINE the following day, saying ‘About last night’s bill, is it okay if we split it? I need 5,000 yen from you’. He did say I could pay the next time we saw each other, but I just asked for his bank account details and transferred the money! Can you believe that guy?”

We think A- san may have almost fallen prey to a type of “game” that involves trying to make a woman feel obligated to a second date! Smart move asking for the bank account details, A- san.

2. That guy who… was totally married and didn’t even try to hide it

“It’s a dating app, so isn’t it just kind of a given that married people won’t be on there? But there are actually a LOT of them! And since they’re already married they don’t feel any pressure, so they can be much better dates than unmarried ones… There was a guy I was on the verge of falling for, so I made my “move”… but he turned out to be already married! Then he sent me a message saying, ‘You’re a good girl, and I don’t want to hurt you’. Well duh maybe don’t make an online dating profile in the first place! I just want all these married players to stay off the dating sites!”

Well we suppose this fellow deserves points for coming clean. Perhaps messing with the hearts of single ladies is a kind of sport for these types. Did you check for tan lines on his wedding ring finger, A-san?

3. The guy who… shaved a few years off his actual age

“Say what you like, but at 33, I prefer younger guys. I just can’t help it. So I usually only look at younger men’s profiles, but a lot of them lie about their age! This has happened to me so many times. I go on a date with a guy who says he’s 30, but I smell a rat. Then when I ask, he’s actually 39! He looked young so I had no idea at first. I’m brave enough to use my real age on my profile, so they should quit the dumb games!”

It can be tough playing fair when others are playing dirty. We feel A-san’s frustration, since as we all know, 33 is practically a hag. She’s so honourable to be so open about that.

4. That guy who… managed to make himself look hot in his picture, when in reality…

“The profile picture is totally important. I myself use one particular ‘miracle shot’ of myself. So perhaps I’m not in a position to judge others. But I dated this guy who looked like a total ikemen (hot guy) in his pic, but in reality, he looked like Shinichi Shinohara [judo champ, above pic]. I was shocked! It was just so different from the picture, and I panicked. Sure, I maybe wasn’t expecting him to be as hot as his shot, but Shinichi Shinohara?! It’s just hard to get past it if someone looks different from their photo. I know I do it too, though.”

Look, A-san. There’s more to life than looks. We’re losing sympathy here.

5. That guy who… had very specific rules for sleepovers…

“I’m 33. I don’t play innocent. I can roll with the dirty jokes. But this guy sent me a LINE message saying: ‘We don’t have to make love on our first date sleepover, but let’s join our bodies on the second, okay?’ Oh my God, isn’t that totally gross?! Of the 30 guys I met, this was one I actually liked the most. We met several times in person, and we had nice text chats. But what grown adult says ‘Make love’? or ‘Join our bodies’ like that?! In that instant my attraction for him totally dried up!”

So we’re confused here… is A-san offended by the sleepover suggestion, or the guy’s ineloquent phrasing?

It certainly seems like A-san has been through the wringer when it comes to online dating, but we can’t say she’s being her own best friend with some of her choices. Maybe she should lay off the apps and try to meet someone in the real world. What do you think?

Nov. 15, 2017
01:17 pm JST

Nov. 15, 2017
01:29 pm JST

IF I was single, met a girl out somewhere and asked her on a date which she accepted, I would happily pay for the date. However, if I was trawling dating sites and dating loads of women from those, it's a bit more realistic to go dutch on the first date I think.

Nov. 15, 2017
01:33 pm JST

Nov. 15, 2017
01:47 pm JST

“I don’t expect a man to pay for everything in this day and age. I’m fine with splitting the bill. But it’s true that when the guy pays, it makes him more appealing to me. It’s best if they casually pay while I’m in the toilet. I like that kind of smooth move

Haha, naaa just 'almost' everything! Well it looks like her 'tactical' bathroom break doesn't always work then! Oldest trick in the book my friend.

Nov. 15, 2017
05:09 pm JST

1. That guy who… asked her to split the bill (by text the following day)

Now that is a smooth move for dumping someone. You don't want to ruin the athmosphere of the night, but the "morning after" is the eye opener. Asking her to pay sends that clear message AND gets you a bit of your wasted money back. She makes it sound so heroic that she sent it via bank transfer, but I bet the guy didn't really wanted to meet her again anyway.

Nov. 15, 2017
07:01 pm JST

Feminism has destroyed romance and it's women who are suffering the most.

Feminism told women that men and women are the same - WRONG!

Men crave for and thrive on casual sex, but it leaves women empty and heartbroken, because biologically women need commitment and a stable partner.

Feminism told women that marriage is an institution of male dominance - WRONG!

Marriage was established by early tribal societies to force men, who naturally want to stray into a committed relationship so children could be raised and families and by extension, societies could be stable.

It's ironic that after 100 years of feminism, men are finally free and can have countless women on a whim without any cost or effort.

Prostitution is dying in many US cities because so many chicks are simply putting out for free.

Nov. 15, 2017
08:35 pm JST

Nov. 15, 2017
10:07 pm JST

Men crave for and thrive on casual sex, but it leaves women empty and heartbroken, because biologically women need commitment and a stable partner.

Pretty much nailed it.

A-san has over developed expectations and does not even stick to her own criteria. Confused or what.

As to No3, women have been lying about their age for millennia, get over your self!

While I am of an age that I agree with Strangerland and Thunderbird and was brought up to behave in that way, the world has changed and we just have to accept it, male and female, the rules of interaction are different.

Nov. 15, 2017
10:26 pm JST

Men crave for and thrive on casual sex, but it leaves women empty and heartbroken, because biologically women need commitment and a stable partner.

Hmm I have a few female friends who would beg to disagree with this statement. Not my personal experience either.

Women aren't 'genetically programmed' to sleep with 1 bloke (nor 1000) in their lifetime, same as us blokes. Either happens or it doesn't. I know a few men (not too many thank god!) who married their HS/Uni sweetheart and dunno what casual sex means/is.

Nov. 16, 2017
05:01 am JST

The normal men are in Canada and the USA. Since I'm half Japanese I am constantly ask what my heritage is. And to this end they express their desire for a Japanese woman, which, at least historically, is not surprising in the least. So, come to Canada, or at least with online dating, express an interest in meeting someone from overseas. Despite the media's portrayal of Canadians and Americans, most are not like you see on television.

Nov. 16, 2017
11:36 am JST

Nowadays, the Internet is very convenient but also is very dangerous. I think girls should not believe men who know each other on the online. They will not only deceive you, also they possible deceive your money. Because you impossible to know they’re really single or fake and they’re good person or bad person.

Nov. 16, 2017
04:35 pm JST

My observation is that younger woman do indeed crave casual sex and seem to get much more strategic about sex as they approach early to mid-thirties. On the other hand, younger guys can be hopeless romantics and get heartbroken in the early 20's when they try too hard to get their girlfriend to commit or marry.

These guys then are kind of jaded and return the favor to women by thereafter dating with much less interest in commitment. I recall in college this beautiful Korean exchange student who had a humongous stuffed bear about the size of a real one in her dorm room from her Korean bf. Her new bf in the States promptly suggested she throw it out.... I have to admit I made that mistake as well, buying outsized presents and doing the whole candlelight bit. I actually think most women are sickened by it.

Nov. 17, 2017
12:06 pm JST

I recall in college this beautiful Korean exchange student who had a humongous stuffed bear about the size of a real one in her dorm room from her Korean bf. Her new bf in the States promptly suggested she throw it out.... I have to admit I made that mistake as well, buying outsized presents and doing the whole candlelight bit. I actually think most women are sickened by it

Basically women don't want nice guys...esp college going girls. The only time they want a nice guy is when they hit their 30s and are looking for a walking ATM.