Monday, May 29, 2017

PLASTIC PALACE PEOPLE

Throughout the past couple of years, this blog has occasionally turned its 5-watt spotlight on plastic surgery addicts who have done their darndest to resemble someone -- or something -- else. People like the Human Parrot, the Human Ken Doll, the Human Barbie. Ironic monikers, since none of them have the remotest connection to humanity.

This is all well and good, I thought, but what are they going to do with their new-found psychosis? Well what else?

As if one Kim Kardashian wasn't enough, we've got to have a second siliconed, sandblasted, plasticized, brain-numbed creature wasting our increasingly precious oxygen, along with her brethren (and sisthren). Who had the bright idea to bring all these people together in one frightening space?

You know, it was bad enough when family members put Glen Campbell on the road when he had dementia. But now we have an entire agency to cash in on people with psychological problems. Hollywood: Progress is Our Most Important Product.

Sorry, girls, he's... uh,actually, I don't knowwhat he is.

It isn't clear exactly what "talent" these people have, other than making your average person either look on in horror or turn away in revulsion. Is there a high demand for Jessica Rabbit or Ken doll tribute shows in Vegas, even in the free lounge shows?

I was going to say that this is like Anthony Weiner advising people how to get ahead in politics. But if you want to look like the star of an Outer Limits episode, there's no one better to talk to than Justin.

You can tell it's Mattel,it's swell!

Not to be outdone in self-regard, Rodrigo Alves (right), the Human Ken Doll, is insured for one million smackers. Rodrigo, stay away from any potential Human Barbies with dollar signs in their eyes!

Alves was willing to buy the pricey policy because he's spent almost as much on his surgeries -- which, if he has his way, will soon number 58. God almighty, 57 varieties was enough for Heinz!

The surgery he's looking at now, literally, is to change his eye color from brown to something called "light icy grey", despite the chance of causing blindness -- which is something I'd desire if I ever saw Alves in person. He's willing to take this risk because he's tired of wearing colored contacts. Too much time on your hands, Roddy-boy, too much time on your hands.

Yet even with thoseears, he can't hearpeople say how crazy he is.

Undoubtedly, two of the most -- make that equally -- bizarre "talents" to be featured on The House of Dolls series will be Luis Padron and Vinny Ohh (as in Ohh my God, what is wrong with these people?!) Padron shelled out about $50,000 to look like an elf. Currently, he spends roughly $7,000 a month on creams, dyes, and other treatments. I consider myself outré by smearing a dab or two of Cetaphil Moisturizing Cream every day.

If you're wondering why Padron goes to all this bother,it's because he was bullied as a child. Yeah, looking like an illustration from a 19th-century British children's book should definitely bring them around your way.

My least favorite Martian.

As for Vinny Ohh (right) -- what can you say about a guy who's had close to 150 surgeries and "treatments" in order to look like, in his words, a "genderless alien"? Oh, that's easy: Yikes!

Surgeons informed him that this surgery would make it impossible for him to father children. There are only two things one can say: 1) That's the least of his problems. 2) Thank God! But Vinny isn't worried, because he plans on adopting three children.

Oh man, this guy just wants Republicans to keep getting elected. I am so waiting for a reporter to show Lena Dunham this photo and ask, "Do you support Vinny Ohh's right to adopt three children?" Whether she answers yes or no, it'll be a lie.

Let's go places!

While psychologists could spend a lifetime wondering what brought these people to this stage, my question is, How the hell do they afford all these surgeries, treatments, and monthly cosmetic routines? Other than Consultant to the Freaks Justin Jedlica, nobody seems to have any form of income. It's like I've always wondered about ISIS: Who's paying for all those Toyotas?
There were times when the devolvement of society made me weep. Over time, as the strange became the normal, I merely threw up my hands and shrugged. Now I just throw up.

The saddest thing of all? When I read about the guy who put the agency and TV series together, my first thought was Why didn't I think of that?