Saturday, June 7, 2014

A Confession - A

I'm not happy that I'm writing this right now. In fact, it's really embarrassing, but I'm trying to make this blog honest.

This week held an utter lack of accomplishment on my part.

At my job, I barely broke even on maintaining, and did very little to improve anything.

At home, I'm behind on regular chores. I managed to fully clean one room and got rid of all the little hidden messes, and within two days it was back to a wreck.

I recoded about 20 minutes of music total this week. I had quite a lot more time, but I felt uninspired and lethargic the first few days, and messed up repeatedly trying to lay down tracks later.

But above all, as far as this blog is concerned, I did not accomplish anything sexually.

I made a decision last week to try and seduce my partner. When we were first together, sex came naturally, frequently, freely. We could seduce one another with minimal effort. Most of our time together was spent in intimacy.

But then things happened. Full-time work to support our growing bills. Stress and learning how to fight in a healthy way. Chores. My depression flaring up frequently. And we fell out of those intimate habits, at the same time as our new relationship energy was fading and being replaced by that much more stable energy of an established relationship.

Time passed, day after day, until I felt like I woke up suddenly. I was sitting in bed with my partner, my arm around her, and realized... Seduction has become rare. We would schedule sex, ask one another if we wanted to do it, and do it. This worked wonderfully, and made initiating easy... But maybe easy wasn't everything.

I realized that our initiation techniques were comfortably rooted in a very specific situation: us sitting in bed, in the evening, with nothing to do. This limited us. No shower fun, no seduction starting outside of the bedroom. I was having trouble being lost in sex, and I realized it was because sex was not immersive enough to lose myself in anymore.

So I moped for a little while, because depression skews how I handle issues. But I pulled myself out of it, and made myself a challenge. This is where this post becomes relevant.

I did very little to fulfill the challenge though. I have plenty of excuses I could use, things like work schedules mis-matching, lack of sleep, lack of interest in my efforts to bring up sex and sexuality from my partner, and busyness when we were home together. But those fall flat.

My goal was to seduce against the odds of our current lives, to pit my sexuality against the world. I wanted to be inside my partner, fucking her against the wall because we couldn't make it to the bedroom. I expected greatness in a short amount of time. I wanted to conquer her, as misogynistic as that is. I wanted to make myself more desirable than surfing Instagram, Facebook, or Reddit.

But this will take time. And more effort. This week has been rough to try and make this work, but that doesn't mean I couldn't have done better.

I'm working on pulling out of this depressive funk I've been in this week. I'll be writing up a normal post soon. I hope you will keep me in your thoughts, I really want to make this work.