Tuesday, September 10, 2013

This Just In: Fetishistic Cycling Apparel Company Introduces Groundbreaking Pouch For Your Genitals!

In fact, since last Friday, this Kickstarter had received an additional $7,000. I'm assuming the reason for this is that they've added a new pledge level by which, if you give $5,000, you receive a pair of panties that has been vigorously cycled in by the model for three very hot and fragrant Austin hours.

Swiss clothing company Assos today announced a new, four-model range of bib shorts dubbed S7, including the top-of-the-line Campionissimo that will retail for US$519/£309.

So what makes a pair of shorts worth over $500? Well, a "cooling nest" for your genitals called the "KuKu Penthouse," that's what:

Assos also claims to have four pending patents for the S7 line, including the 'KuKu Penthouse,' a soft pouch for the male genitals on the front of the short that is inserted into a cutout in the chamois.

ASSOS invention: The front part of the insert features a round-shaped pattern insert made of skin contact textile, no foam. Not only does it create a "nest" into which the male's genitals are properly "stored", but also keeps them "cooler". It's the evolution of "kuKuDeluxe". You only got 3, protect them!

"A 'nest' into which the male's genitals are properly 'stored'?" This sounds like the mating process for some hitherto undiscovered mammal--particularly the part about how "you only got 3." Last time I checked, most human males only had two testicles. (Well, at least according to the informal hands-on poll I conducted on the subway before getting arrested.) Apparently, however, the typical Assos customer is a strange three-balled creature whose reproductive organs run so hot he has to insert them into a "cooling nest" and hang them out like a windsock while he's riding.

The cento also gets an unfortunately named feature called the “Rear Terminal.” It is essentially an extra layer sewn in just above the back of the chamois, intended to improve durability in that region.

This is great news for Freds who like to engage in spirited pre- and or post-ride "dry-humping," which can cause tremendous strain on the rear panel of your bib shorts, especially if the person mounting you is slathered in a spray-on tan and has got three (3) nuts.

According to an anonymously leaked document — a three-page summary of a 54-page dossier that has existed since June — McQuaid and Verbruggen solicited a bribe from a team owner, bent drug-testing rules for Lance Armstrong and allowed his attorneys to review an independent inquiry into his doping, and attempted to cover up Alberto Contador’s 2010 positive drug test during their tenures as leaders of the Union Cycliste Internationale, the governing body of cycling.

(CNN) -- In The World According to Dennis Rodman, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, whom he just saw on his second trip to the country, is quite likable."He has to do his job, but he's a very good guy," Rodman said Monday at a news conference, announcing plans for a "basketball diplomacy" event that will involve players from North Korea.
I agree with Rodman, Kim Jong Un sounds like a very likeable guy:

Kim Jong-Un’s succession as North Korea’s supreme leader after the death of his father, Kim Jong-Il, has had no positive impact on the country’s dire human rights record. More than 200,000 North Koreans, including children, are imprisoned in camps where many perish from forced labor, inadequate food, and abuse by guards. Arbitrary arrest, lack of due process, and torture are pervasive problems. There is no independent media, functioning civil society, or religious freedom. Government policies have continually subjected North Koreans to food shortages and famine. Human Rights Watch is pressing for a UN commission of inquiry to investigate possible crimes against humanity in North Korea.

So if we're going to turn professional cycling over to North Korea along with Dennis Rodman I think we should start by holding the prologue of the 2014 Tour de France in Pyongang. If you think the Arch de Triomphe makes a splendid backdrop you'll thrill to the spectacle of rider after rider passing between the legs of a statue of Kim Jong-Un. Or, perhaps they'll even design one of those time trial portals to so the riders can explode right out of the supreme leader's "rear terminal:"

("Sphincter says what?")

Just imagine how awe-inspiring it would be to watch the fastest cyclists in the world exploding one at a time out of a giant facsimile of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un's asshole.

I was at a conference (an EPA/NIH thing nonetheless) where a group of entrepreneurs from a fabric company were demonstrating cycling clothing woven with silver thread, in order to capture biometric data. They had one of the domestic pro teams signed on for testing (I forget which). I'd have to guess that bugger's going to top $519. It will do for jerseys what power meters have done for cranks, pedals, etc...

As for N. Korea, wife's co-worker took a vacation there last year. Looked nice and amazing to see a city essentially billboard-free (though apparently one of their chief exports and sources of outside money is fabricating giant statues). Apparently about 40,000 tourists make it there each year. Looked to me like a total hipster tourist opportunity for the 20-30 somethings who missed out visiting old school communist countries and their touching austerity back in the 70s & 80s.

who the fuck gives rodman the time of day? a fucktard like him just wants to be in the limelight as long as possible just for the sake of staying in the limelight... he's a nonentity, dimwit, dullard, piece of turd.

The Worm with 11,954 rebounds, 22nd all time. A lot of rebounds. Then you have the all time leader, Wilt Chamberlain, with 23,924. Time has dimmed just how fabulous The Big Dipper was. Back when I used to care, that is. Now I don't.

I used to work with a guy who liked to hang out in Vegas. Once out there he and a couple buddies were at a lounge and Rodman tried to pick a fight with him 'for no reason' according to my workmate. Granted, my workmate was a cocky scumbag, so I guess like recognizes like.

About 15 years ago me and some friends were out in the west village at a place we came to discover was an informal after-party for the MTV VMAs. In addition to getting to hold the door for Mike D., I glanced over my shoulder at one point to discover that I was standing back to back with Rodman. He didn't pick a fight with me, he was too busy trying to get into Kennedy's panties. I don't think she was into that.

KuKu as in "cuckoo" as in "it's the top of the hour, time to stick my pecker out again?"

What's up with North Korea though, hey? Can you imagine? I mean we might have people rotting in prisons like them, we might have arbitrary arrest and a lack of due process like them, torture like them, no independent media or functioning civil society like them, but we DAMN SURE have religious freedom(*) and PLENTY OF FOOD! GO USA!!!

Roille, I'm no apologist for the country-formerly-known-as-having-a-Bill of Rights, but we don't put entire families of executed prisoners in labor camps (Un's ex's family now gets to starve under hard labor, instead of starving while freely singing the praises of the dear leader).

And holy shit, we don't have to watch horrible psychedelic mass lock-step demonstrations of the people's hysterical love for a chubby little living god.

(Also, check out North Korean music sometime when you are wondering what John Philip Sousa mixed with Chopin covered in sorghum treacle would be like.)

Cuckoos are known for laying their eggs in other birds' nests. Their eggs hatch more quickly; and the larger cuckoo kicks the other eggs/fledglings out of the next. Hence other birds' nests become kuku penthouses; and the parent birds become cuckoo's slaves.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!