Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Earlier today I opened up Facebook to see a friend had shared a link to #shoutyourabortion .. I have a lot of thoughts about this.

First, I respect others that have different opinions than my own - especially if they have done research or have these opinions based on their own life experiences. I understand we all go through different things in life and these experiences shape us to be who we are today.

I know that there are women out there that choose abortion for themselves for a variety of reasons. Yes, it is their body and they can choose what they want to do with it. With that said, most women can also choose to prevent pregnancies. Yes, birth control can fail but I also don't feel that abortion should be considered as a form of birth control.

I would love to encourage abstinence for more reasons than preventing an unwanted pregnancy - especially since there are many other things you can do to feel intimate with your partner and to get satisfaction - but I know that abstinence is not a reality.

Okay .. let's get to this though. I am not here to say why I'm against abortion. I do feel that it's appropriate to share some of my thoughts on it and I have even more to share. But I really want to focus on the #ShoutYourBlessing aspect of this post.

Now, the things I'm about to share are extremely personal and honestly, very little people know about some of these things. But from my personal experiences I have determined my stance on abortion and I'm not here to argue or to change anyone's mind. I'm here to share these experiences to give another point of view and you do what you want with it. If you agree, cool. If you disagree, cool. If you're still not sure, that's fine. I would just ask that you respect my opinion and it's either going to strengthen yours or not.

I do actually, have one more thought about abortion specifically. I get it. I have been there. I have seriously considered abortion. I also seriously considered adoption of a few forms. However, I chose to keep my daughter and I have never regretted that decision.

Our first photo together. Born 7.29.09 6 pounds 2 oz 19 inches

I understand the feelings that a woman can feel when she learns she's pregnant and had no intentions for that to happen. Was I acting responsibly when I had sex? NOPE. We were not prepared and even after taking Plan B within 12 hours of having unprotected sex I still knew I was pregnant. It only takes once. Literally.

I found out I was pregnant with Peytyn on December 15th 2008. I was 18 and had just started school at Oregon State University. I met Peytyn's biological father "Jared" (not using his real name for privacy reasons) through a friend right before school started. It was a brief relationship and to be honest I felt that things ended because we moved too quickly physically. Again, something I had not planned on doing but hey, it happens. I GET IT.

When I got confirmation I was pregnant I remember letting Jared know even though at this point our relationship had ended. We waited until we both got back to Corvallis to talk about things in person (this was one of the years with a terrible snow storm - so bad the malls were closed the week of Christmas - seeing each other during break was impossible).

At the Portland LDS Temple on our sealing day.

When Jared and I got together to talk he felt the best option for us was open adoption. He knew he wasn't ready to have a child and I totally don't blame him. Even now I don't blame him. And for those who are curious, Jared and I (as far as I know) are on good terms. He has not been involved
with Peytyn at all - has never met her or provided for her financially. And before you get upset about that on my behalf (thank you) it's totally okay. I'm grateful that he has caused no drama or any grief when it comes to Peytyn. I don't have to share her with him or his family. And he was great when it came down to when I got married to Konnor. Jared signed a form so Peytyn could be sealed to us on our wedding day! He also was helpful when it came for Konnor to adopt Peytyn this last July. So really, no hard feelings with Jared. He gave me one of my two blessings I've had so far in this life and I'm so grateful for that. Peytyn is truly a blessing and I love her so much.

Getting back to being 18 and pregnant: after Jared and I talked about our options it was time to tell my parents. And to be honest, I didn't do that right away. I waited until February to do that I think. I was terrified. During January and part of February were dark times for me. I wish I had told my parents sooner so I could've had their love and support that much sooner but it was hard. I also wanted to really think about my options I had.

I remember searching through adoption sites and reading about couples who wanted to grow their family. It was difficult to do. I just didn't feel good about it.

But I also remember thinking about abortion and how I wouldn't have to worry about this any more than I had to. And from what I remember I even reached out to Jared about it and we talked about making a plan to doing that. It was so long ago so I don't remember all of the details but I do remember one more thing. I remember thinking about being at the clinic getting an abortion. I imagined myself laying on a table getting prepared for the doctor to complete the abortion and I knew I couldn't do it. I knew deep down that if I ended up physically at the clinic waiting to see the doctor I would run out screaming. I knew deep down that it wasn't what I was supposed to do. I didn't have more reasons beyond that. I just know I was in a very dark place and I was depressed and worried and scared - I was not prepared for this. But I also knew I couldn't kill this baby.

September 2013

Eventually when I did talk to my parents about being pregnant I brought up my abortion thoughts and I'm glad I did. I remember the tone of my mom's voice. She was very pissed off at me but she also had so much love for me and she shared her thoughts on abortion. It's what I needed to hear to feel better about why I knew I shouldn't do it.

Ever since Peytyn has been born, she has blessed my life so much. She has taught me many things and her spirit has comforted me everyday. I couldn't imagine my life without her and I'm proud to call her my daughter.

Earlier, I mentioned that he gave me one of my two blessings I've had so far in this life and I know that there is more of an explanation to that sentence - but it's hard to put into words.

This isn't common knowledge, but I have been pregnant twice. For those of you that are good friends of mine, please don't feel bad that you don't know. Seriously, very few do. It's been been a hard year for me for this reason.

Unfortunately, my second pregnancy didn't last more than six weeks. And honestly, it's sometimes hard to call him/her a blessing because it's been so painful. But s/he really is one of my blessings even though s/he didn't make it here.

Christmast 2012

But s/he is one of the reasons why I'm Pro-Life and why I love Peytyn so much. I never knew my
love for Peytyn could grow but it did. I never knew I could value or appreciate her anymore than I already do. And I know once Konnor and I are able to have a successful pregnancy, I will love him/her so much - and I cannot wait for that day to come.

Okay now that I've cried for the past 15 minutes while trying to type the above paragraph I can give some more details.

So you know already that it took just once to get pregnant with Peytyn. Well, with my second pregnancy it only took two months of trying. I had my birth control removed in early November in 2014 and at the end of January 2015 I got a positive pregnancy test. But it was just a little over a week later is when I knew something was wrong. Within a few days from then it had come to our attention that my hCG levels were declining. Along with this information I was also in pain and there was a lot of blood going on and things coming out of me that were terrifying to see.

Now, it's September 2015. My due date is rapidly approaching and I'm not ready. I'm not ready because I seriously thought I would be pregnant by now and that would mean I can get past October 1st feeling hopeful rather than depressed. But crap, getting pregnant is hard! There's not much to it but yet, here we are, babyless and it's very very difficult.

Considering how easy it was for me to get pregnant both times I sincerely was not concerned (and really, I'm not concerned, just impatient). I recently saw my doctor to have a talk with him about fertility and stuff and we are not to the point to do any testing yet (we are waiting until this year is over first). He also mentioned to me that with my two pregnancies and with them happening so quickly he isn't concerned and thinks it could happen on its own.

On her adoption day & 6th birthday 7.29.15

I feel that life should be celebrated and valued. It breaks my heart knowing here I am trying to get pregnant to grow my family and yet there are women out there that don't understand what they're throwing away. I understand their fears, worries, concerns - I get it. I have been there. But don't do it for yourself, do it for him/her. Give him/her a chance at life and give another couple a chance to have a family. Hell, I'll gladly adopt your baby whether I can have my own or not.

If you choose to have an adult relationship, you need to own your actions. I know I've said this already, but I get it, I've been there. It is terrifying. Even when my husband and I made the decision to take me off of birth control I had reservations. I remember thinking "Who am I to decide that it's okay to bring a life into this world?!? What makes me eligible to make this decision??" I have no doubts we are good parents. I have no doubts that we are able to provide for our future children financially. I have no doubts that we are ready for this. But creating a life is a huge decision - one I don't take lightly. But it's a decision we are making and I will #ShoutMyBlessing when s/he makes it here.