Tell Me About It: Husband must find reason behind wife's venting

Dear Carolyn: My wife of three years feels the need to, in her words, "vent" to her mother whenever she and I have problems.

Dear Carolyn: My wife of three years feels the need to, in her words, “vent” to her mother whenever she and I have problems.

This venting usually involves bad-mouthing me, and it isn’t always truthful, or the complete truth. It has made it almost impossible for me to have a relationship with her mother, who is convinced that I am a controlling jerk.

I have asked my wife to stop, or at least be honest and give both sides. She refuses to see anything wrong with her actions.

Am I fighting a losing battle? Is there a way to fix this? Am I completely wrong?

— L.

Dear L.: There are a lot of might-be-wrongs here, including: the venting to Mom; Mom’s accepting her daughter’s version wholesale; and the goings-on between you and your wife that generate such venting. There’s also the thorny business of your apparent overhearing — or listening in on? — your wife’s conversations and trying to control their content.

All of these things are possibly wrong. I just can’t say “completely” wrong, or even how bad they are, without knowing more details because each of these situations comes with a scale.

I’m going to start with the only calls I can make: Your marriage has fallen ill, and your wife’s refusal to see anything wrong with her actions is wrong. Completely.

But relationship problems are never the work of just one person.

The path to mutual cooperation has to start with your admission of fault. Even if it’s general, it’s essential: “That you have so much to ‘vent’ about tells me we’re doing something wrong. I’d like to know what that is, what my part in it is, and what I can do better. Will you work on this with me?” Insert openness to professional help here.

When she’s trashing you to Mom, when you’re listening in, when she’s cherry-picking facts to vindicate herself and indict you, and when you’re trying to remedy this by micromanaging what she says to a confidante, it’s time to recognize that the atmosphere between you and your wife is poisoned by mistrust and self-interest.

And when that happens, no self-protective half-steps will get you close to the heart of that mistrust.

The only way to get there is to show her that you’re dropping your defenses and invite her to do the same.