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Monday, January 14, 2008

Kerfuffle in the Kitchen at the Pakalolo

by Offgrass and Greenside

In the misty kitchen of our favourite hostelry, reindeer horns stick out of a giant boiling cauldron. A hatchet-faced, almost-Arsenic Pseuds XI boss (Offside) leans on the work bench, a bottle of absinthe beside him. Dressed in a bloody apron and chef’s hat, he expertly tests the sharpness of a meat cleaver. On the other side of the bench stands Greengrass in Santa Claus garb, nervously fumbling with his hat.

Offside: What can I do you for, GG?

Greengrass: Well, boss, it’s this Munni business...

Offside: Munni?

Greengrass: Yes, Munni. Here I am, the regular left-whinger in the Pseuds XI. That’s been my berth for years - never missed a game, except when I’ve been banned.

Offside: Oui - and...

Greengrass: Well, then this slip of a girl turns up and flashes her eyes at you, and you give her my place in the side. It’s not right, I mean...

Offside: GG, GG - take it easy. You’re not getting any younger, and I have to think about the future of the Pseuds XI. I just want to ease her into the squad, rotate her under your expert tutelage, sell a few shirts in Asia.

Greengrass: So I’m not being farmed out on loan to Accrington Stanley?

Offside: No way!

Greengrass: And I won’t be banished to the touchline with a sponge and some smelling salts and a little jar of Dog Fat ointment, ready to nip on and give her legs a rubbing if she gets hurt?

Offside (shudders): Dog above, no! As sure as Liverpool is the City of Culture (suddenly gets a frog in his throat and coughs it up, deftly slipping it into the cauldron) you will still be our main man on the left whinge. I’ll have Munni in the side for the Mickey Mouse Cup and a few games against the weaker teams.

Greengrass: I see.

Offside: Oui. I mean, if you insist on tiring yourself out by chasing 13-year-old Gooners all over the pitch, or if you’ve been away on international duty, you can go off to Bognor Regis for a weekend...

Greengrass: Blackpool, please!

Offside: ...or Blackpool. You can see the illuminations, gorge some cockles and candy floss, have a lie-in or two, get your fortune told, then come back to turn out in the big games - the Cup finals, the title deciders.

Greengrass: So I get to keep the number 11 jersey?

Offside: Oui.

Greengrass (leaving): Grand! Right - I’ll be off to get some training in, then. We’ve got a crib game tonight against the Wheel Tapirs. Will there be any grub on?

we hope, with the aid of this virtual real-life scenario, to enlist your help in tackling some of the big issues facing top-level football today - ageism, sexism, slow-food fetischism, binge thinking, sheer greed and so on.

220 comments:

I have to say that I think two left sided whingers can be incorporated into one Pseudo side.

I mean, we've got the centre-ground covered pretty well, and I see no reason for Offgrass to be left back in Blackpool, when we can have an offensive left Whinger - looking to go on the attack at the slightest hint of an opening and then tie the opposition full back in knots - and a defensive one, comfortable to take on the main thrusts of the opposition's right sided forrays, and defelect them into the centre ground or go for a swift verbal volley of the argument to the far left, where it can be picked up and run with by the more offensive player.

Something does need to be done about our hole down the right though. We have a tendancy to crumble under left-wing attacks and iffer little resitance.

We can cover the centre-right, but we need a big right-whinger and defender to step up and make themselves counted.

I've sent scouts to the Telegraph, Mail, and Sun message boards to try and track one down - but until then we will have to make do with a right-thinking left-whinger to try and blunt the more far-left assaults down our right flank.

Just for the sake of avoiding your choking with frogs, I suggest we re-designate Liverpool as Capital City of Pseuds and re-baptize you as Ringo....I'm sure the likes of Hannibal, MOTM and AndrewM will no doubt approve this move

What in God's name is going on in here? Call this a drinking club? From where I'm standing I'm seeing women, foreign food and the effing French? What next? Poofs, 'travelling folk' and unemployed, pregnant jukies or whatever one calls illicit drug users nowadays.

And Palakooloo? What kind of name is that? Dog and Duck. Fox and Hound. Cheese and Pickle.

Are you serious Muni & gg left wing?from XS to XXXL we only have one size jersey for the number 11!another thought -Right wing defender from spain:franscisco Franco forgoten on the Real madrid bench since 4 decades- on the far left Tony Benn who got more than a trick in his hat.

bluedad: are you referring to my interest in the under-19s? I assure you it is totally professional - and a wish to get one over on those bloody selectors who think they have the bunce on the up and coming stars! Grrr!

I am chuffed to find even more points in common than us both being left whingers with an eye for the ladies: we were both inside centres at rugby, and both good tacklers.

Must admit, though, Che definitely had the edge on me: I'd never have hit upon the idea of sidling off once in a while to inhale (though if I'd known Offy in my rugby days, I'm sure he would have pointed me in that direction).

Good music, Zeph, thanks. Old times Good times, indeed. It's to see everyone in here (well, nearly everyone, but I'm sure Andy will be along as soon as he's finished dismembering squirrels, or whatever it is he does for a living, and the others will follow).

gg, smoking is indeed compulsory on the Pseuds' XI. In fact, our main defensive tactics will be based on the "smokescreen formation" for the rest of the season. Get puffin'.

muni, forget the thought of gg in his flannel nightshirt, that could bring you nightmares during the night.if you watch the superbowl, check outthe Bridgestones commercial with a little dog and the tire.

Well, I finally done it, I whinged and whinged and got myself banned at the Guardian. Offie, I could whinge for England, well a McClaren type England anyway, any place for another left whinger in the team?So, how do I get myself un-banned - any tips - as you lot seem to have been banned more than once.Tried a change in name, but the gits recognise my address.

Harrumph, those GU mods need to get off Facebook and concentrate on a consistent policy, that what I say. The cricket blogs have been all over the place the last few days, trolls romping about hurling abuse, Indians burnng virtual effigies, and where were the Mods? Twittering, I'll be bound.

Banned in Berlin (we already have a BinB, are you the same person?) have you tried using Firefox?

1) The Pseuds' XI left whinge is getting extremely crowded. I'd offer you a spot on the right whinge, but I've just signed Chiang Kai Shek for that position so we can make a few Chiang Kai Shekels selling jerseys in the Far East - which happens to be where they're made, anyway. Globalisation allows us to sell them back to the people who make them at a 1000% mark-up...

If Che will stop ogling Munni and move over a bit, we can squeeze you in here.

2) Open a new e-mail account and re-register a new password - you could try "BannedinBerlin" for a laugh, then do it all again if they twig it.

thanks guys for the tip, I tried a new email address and new name, in fact I tried 2 new email addresses and 2 new names, they let me comment on CiF with all the other loonies, but no good on the sports blog, I am hoping it will work when I get back to Berlin, I mean, what I am I supposed to do at work all day? There's only so much time you can entertain yourself with spreadsheets. See, I'm whinging again.As for unusual animal recipes, anyone who knows and loves German cuisine will be able to identify with the unidentifiable meat in jelly. Not much of a market for Penguins in Berlin, although they do do a nice line of Calve's brains if you are in the mood.All I did was suggest good old 'Arry might have friends at BetFair! It wasnt too bad, its just that I repeated it several times, perhaps they banned me for being boring!

banned, i envy you, i wished i could be banned every day, do you care for few suggestions:AUTOBAHNed- Berlinstrasse or Berlinstressed- FuckedinBerlin-ReborninBerlin-Meinfurherisrich-AdolfvsCoMod-Nomasberlin-Blogginberlin- Berlingot.

banned, i envy you, i wished i could be banned every day, do you care for few suggestions:AUTOBAHNed- Berlinstrasse or Berlinstressed- FuckedinBerlin-ReborninBerlin-Meinfurherisrich-AdolfvsCoMod-Nomasberlin-Blogginberlin- Berlingot.

mimi, i'm glad you brought File back in the picture, is the brat still recovering from the holydays?Deschamps, best possible news for Newcastle, the guy is 2 for 2. Monaco from nowhere to CL final against Porto and Juve back in business after their "relegation".

mimi just stay focus on the stew, i am starving, - Ingrid, yes it's trueshe likes french speaking german.gg, about these blody frenchmen, Platini did score a big one today didn't i tell ya....g14 will not survive-let's see what Kevin has to say about it.

Stew, what stew? I didn't get any and yet I can detect the aroma in the Taproom of something warm and delicious. Could it be a 5 nil win for Liverpool? Um lovely. Luton stew. I hear the team were flogged on the field. Fun and no doubt will render them nice and tender for the pot.

gg, yep its me, got the red card for suggesting nefarious going on's between Redknapp and BetFair. Doubly peed off as I am stuck at home with the lurgi. Missed The Enemy last night in Berlin (me being back in England) so trebley peed off! Could it get any worse, well yes, the only footie on telly was Liverpool V Luton, so I bowed to Mrs Banned's will and watched -Clockwork Orange style - MasterChef and then a 4 year old episode of Top Gear.

I'm feeling a bit guitly. It's Book Group tonight and we're doing Ian McEwan's Atonement. I thought it dire - couldn't be doing and solicitated views from all my FB mates, but forgot to check here if there are words of wisdom to add.

Feel free, even if later than in one hour when I'll be leaving as I can pass on thoughts after the event.

I thought I was the only one who found Atonement dire. He writes beautifully, but so cold and detached and completely unengaging, and not a single likeable character. And ultimately not much of a point. I'm not helping, am I?

munni: bless you. Helping a lot.Will quickly copy and paste your comment to my Anti-Atonement doc and print out to take to Group. That's of course when I finish cooking little baby tapirs (sorry, sausages) to take with me too.

mimi cannot help, got "On Chesil Beach" (Xmas present from the kids, always buying me books to while away the dull, lonely hours in Berlin) Bless 'em, if only they knew....anyway, back to the book, like McCarthy's Bar, it got thrown across the room around page 35.King Kev eh? Sky are laying eggs as we speak.

mimi, come on...and I knew someone called Hugh Jarse.Mind you, I did really know a Robin Hood at Our Lady of the Angels in Nuneaton, and there are one or two Micheal Hunt's in the RR email address book, whether or not they call themselves Mike is questionable.

gg, you've done it again, haven't you? Serving faulty fowl instead of fresh puffin? Look, we get a new customer for the first time in yonks and you go and give him indigestion. If we had a license, we'd be in danger of losing it.

In the early 80s we busked Chatelet les Halles and St Michel mostly. I was the bottler and I got arrested at St Michel on the fountain. Which was unusual cos mostly the Paris gendarmes were quite nice to us.

The most generous estimate is that there are 2500 mountain tapirs leftin the world; the most conservative, 1000. Roughly half of these are inEcuador, where they are hunted even in protected national parks. Themountain tapir could be extinct within a decade.

Tell you what - if you're triply qualified (both left-footed, a card-carying Commie AND a left-footer wot's been to the Vatican and kissed that owd bag o' rags hand) AND well under the age of consent I'll have a word with our Arsenic manager and see if there's a place for you in our yoof team.

Failing that, you could try to get your full whingeing license (just say "Hicks" or "Fancy your chances for the PL title this year?" to a Liverpool fan and they'll show you how it's done for free).

If all else fails, I'll try to squeeze you in between Munni and Che in a (probably vain) attempt to delay his final assault.

I'd like to direct you to this week's Red Devils theme song - Randy Newman's "It's Lonely at the Top" - on You-tube, but I wouldn't know where to start.

Doc, that news item is wonderful. "No man should hit his wife - especially with a squirrel."

Guys, I'm slightly alarmed at this assault on exrvanp, is he not a customer of the Pakalolo Tavern? Eating the clientele is surely bad for business.

Also, in putting together our virtual footie team we shouldn't be hidebound by the rules of boring old earthbound football, should we? I mean, OK, we should probably only have 11 players but why shouldn't they all be left-whingers, after all the play in the interweb dimension must mostly drift towards the left anyway, non?

If that had happened in England, I'm not sure what the husband had got most time for - beating up his missus, or maltreating squirrels.

I don't think that Offy was suggesting actually eating up any Gooners. He was probably indulging in a bit of playful sledging, inspired by His Arsenic Highness of the Emirates. Anyway, I doubt if there's enough meat on them to interest a true gourmand like Offy.

I like your idea of us abandoning the constricts of Association Footy: we can have 10 (or more) left whingers in the side plus Chiang Kai Shek on the right whinge (for the sake of our Far East jersey sales).

Very pleased to see that Ernesto G, as I suggested, is establishing himself as the undisputed left whinger of the Pseuds eleven. I'm a bit concerned however about how Ingrid is coping with his culinary habits. He's used to eating all type of weird species in the jungles of Latina America......

All our left whingers are very partial to disputes: during their annual Long March (from the Pakalolo car park to the Pakalolo bar) they instantly sort into factions, ice-picks flashing in the setting sun.

Once they arrive at the bar, they argue interminably about which socialist anthem to start with (and in which language). By chucking-out time, they still haven't sung a word or drunk a drop - but they have had a really good whinge, and spawned a few new factions in the meantime.

Once they've left, Che emerges from the cellar, gnawing away at a blissful Ingrid.

when you read about what they feed and inject into cattle these days, it makes you feel like cannibalism isn't such a bad idea. Or maybe I've just been in the South Pacific for too long. Ingrid was mumbling something about a missionary, that must have put me in the mood.

I was thinking of you last weekend. Cavenaghi is finally flying, he scored two crackers in Bordeaux's win vs Auxerre (well, a cracker and a tap-in). And did you see Krupoviesa's debut with Marseille? He got a straight red (bit harsh) for his very first foul in Ligue 1. He's River, isn't he?

Yeah, I heard all about Cavenaghi's, -aka: "el gordo" "the fatty"-, couple of goals last weekend. Didn't manage to see them on any sports news programme though. I think he's a really top quality striker and wouldn't be surprised if he keeps improving. as for Krupoviesa amazing start at Marseille, well, Ive never thought much of his as a defender....Doesen't seem a very clever minded player either

We were discussing the matter over a few braised squirrels today, and one of my chaps who is doing her doctorate suggests that this verb is of Cornish origin.

Though not a Corn, she is cognisant with all things Cornish - coming, as she does, from Brittany.

According to her, the Atlantic winds blow so strongly in some parts of Cornwall that the end products of defecation are deflected: thus the locals, having swilled down their pasties with scrumpy, go "to defelect".

She informs me that these parts of Cornwall also boast horizontal toilets.

The Pseuds are spreading all over the world... meetings are taking place... soon, world domination sssooon....

(cough)

Oh, erm, sorry. Must have been something in the squirrel.

Chanelle says Karl (the anorak) would be really chuffed if he could have a post as resident statto for the virtual team. I said that job's already gone to MotM but we could see if he wants an assistant.

Talking so much about el che lately that I keep hearing Jagger's voice singing "Hey mister gringo, my father, he aint no che gÜevaarra". Think it was in a Stones song called Indian Girl of their late seventies period

Ah, late seventies Stones. Pallenberg, Margeret Trudeau and Some Girls. I remember it almost as vividly as I remember my early encounter with Mick in 1981 or was is 1982? The mists of time, that sometimes part to give us a glimpse all too clearly of our youth and recklessness.

"Ingrid broom in hand mumbling", reference to the statue of liberty isout of order professor.A moment of wild surmise???could you put that in french, italian, spanish or even arabic cos i am lost.Or may be I should ask Ingrid to help me to perfecto me english.

Zeph: how do you observe virtual silence? Would those be the minutes I'm off in the kitchen filling hotties and making tea (to drink out of my Pseuds mug obviously)? Or the virtual silence when I play no music but listen to old Tig snoring?

It's a quote:"Then felt I like some watcher of the skies When a new planet swims into his ken; Or like stout Cortez, when with eagle eyes He stared at the Pacific—and all his men Look'd at each other with a wild surmise— Silent, upon a peak in Darien."

John Keats

Mimi, to have a virtual minute's silence on the interweb you'd have to make everybody stop posting for a minute which is probably impossible. But I doubt if the players in the Pakololo XI will go in for publicly mourning anyone much:)

gg, yes, but I kind of agree with the people who say those observances have been over-used and cheapened lately... I hate the 'minute's applause', as somebody posted how can you think about a sad memory while you're clapping?

You're welcome, Zeph, but running the place is taxing to say the least. Look at the state gg's in, he wants to have a minute of silence to mourn the fact that you can't have a decent minute of silence nowadays. I shudder to think what will happen to him when Guitou asks him to clarify his clarification.

Still let me add my thanks to Zeph to the good(ish) denizens who so selflessly run this taproom.

Minute silence or clapping - both have their place, and honestly chaps, don't underestimate the impact Phil O'Donnell's death has had on Scotland. It's still fairly raw up here. We're a pretty small place and well, just, it mattered.