TRUE BLOG! VOLUME 2, SEASON 5, EPISODE 2: “Authority Always Wins”

Ugh. Are you ready for ANOTHER True Blog? I sure as hell am not. But here we go anyways. If you forgot what happened last week, good for you.

Sookie is getting choked out by Tara. This is my favorite scene of True Blood BY FAR. LaFayette urges Pam to “Do something!” “I am,” she replies. “I’m laughing.” YES PAM YES! I love Pam’s detached parenting style. And I love her Wal-Mart sweatsuit. And now Tara is freaking out and smashing stuff. Okay, as much as I hate True Blood, that was a highly entertaining start to this episode.

YAY! Trivampta! Maybe this episode will be good? Another new character. Named… Salami? Anyways, she slapped Na… shoot, I can’t remember that girl’s name. I wanted to say Naomi… is it Nora? I’m too lazy to go back and look. We’ll assume it’s Nora. Anyways, Salami slapped her. And then they went down and elevator into some kind of… vampire office building I’m assuming. There’s an ominous portrait on the wall which the camera just lingered on for far too long. Bill, Eric, and Nora have been locked in cells.

And werewolves are eating Marcus. GROSS, right? Alcide’s not hungry. All the rest of the wolves must be STARVING. One of the wolves, who has a beard, is like “WHY DON’T YOU GO BACK TO MISSISSIPPI COWARD?” and Alcide’s all like “Kay.” Bearded wolf is pissed! Alcide’s so cool and collected. Martha won’t let him go that easy though. “My son deserves respect!” “Nuh uh.” “EAT HIS MEAT!” “NO!” “YOU’RE THE PACK MASTER!” “I DON’T CARE I DON’T WANNA!” Growls all around. Peace Alcide. We’ll see you again when another meaningless scene comes around. Oh, and Sam too.

Hey look, Arlene is sleeping. Terry is creepily standing over her staring because that’s what normal husbands do. “We’re all going to die” he says. He’s having flashbacks of the war in Iraq. How topical. And now he’s sleeping. What an awkward, unnecessary scene.

Tara’s busy trashing Gran’s/Sookie’s/Eric’s house. Now she’s perched on the sink like one does when one is turned into a vampire. “Grab her” Sookie says. Good idea Sookie. GREAT IDEA SOOKIE! You’re so full of the good ideas all of the time. LIKE TURNING TARA INTO A VAMPIRE! SUCH A GOOD IDEA SOOK. Tara almost eats LaFayette but screams instead.

Hey, Pam’s back at Fangtasia! I feel like Fangtasia hasn’t been in this show in a very long time, which is sad, because how fun is it to type Fangtasia? “Why y’all dirty?” “I was in the ground. What’s your excuse?” Oh Pam. Always with the quips. Hey, flashback time! Back in 1905 in San Francisco, Pam was a… prostitute? Or she owned a brothel? Yeah, looks like a brothel. TRUST ME, I KNOW A BROTHEL WHEN I SEE ONE! One of her girls is dead… and… yup. This is going to be one of those things that plays out over multiple flashbacks. How fun. Pam wants Eric back. So do I.

HEY ERIC! And the rest of the vamps. We are being introduced to another prisoner named Nigel who was a nurse practitioner in a maternity ward. Instead of delivering babies he kept eating them. Because True Blood. Apparently newborns are succulent. Bill is being all kingly and trying to get the other acquitted. BUT THEY SAW THROUGH HIS LIES AND TURNED ON UV LAMPS! CATCH SOME RAYS VAMPS!!! Poor Nigel is not faring well.

Back to Luna’s house (yeah, I’m not calling her horse lady anymore. She hasn’t been a horse in like… a year). Hey, it’s Martha! Yay? Luna’s like “Get lost.” Martha’s like “MY GRANDDAUGHTER! She’ll need a pack when she becomes a werewolf.” Luna’s like “She’ll be a shifter!” and Martha’s like “NO WOLF!” and Luna’s like “**** YOU!” and Martha’s like “I’m sorry about your injuries Sam” and I’m like “What?” and Luna’s like “Lunatic!” and Sam’s like “She just lost her son” and Luna’s like “SHE JUST ATE HER SON!” VALID POINT LUNA! They’re still arguing about what to do with Emma, but in my opinion, the argument is over. Luna just went crazy and kicked Sam out. I bet that sucks for Sam, but it’s good for us.

Tara’s still freaking out. This is such an engaging plotline I’m glad it exists. They need to get Tara back in the ground before the sun comes up, but she’s still going rock-star-in-a-hotel-room all over that house. LaFayette is cutting himself to get Tara to drink. And Sookie just silver chained Tara’s ass. LOL.

“Stackhouse, I had sex.” GREATEST SCENE OPENING LINE EVER! Andy wins this episode I think. He and Jason are talking about their relationships, which I’m sure could be really funny if I cared. They’re investigating an abandoned car because it’s not like the only two police officers in Bon Temps have vampires and werewolves to worry about. Oh crap, and Andy just found a vial of V. ENOUGH WITH THE V ALREADY! Good for Andy though, turning it over to Jason and not taking it for himself. HE’S LEARNED! HIS CHARACTER HAS CHANGED!

Now we’re hanging out in a vampire hunter’s version of Home Depot, filled with all of your vampire repelling essentials, like silver and stakes. Reverend Vampire is on TV going on about how he’s still a Christian. According to him, Jesus loves vampires. His argument is that anybody who was dead for three days must know where vampires are coming from. Flawless logic. This guy at the store is trying to sell Sookie a colloidal silver mister. Nice. Now he’s trying to sell her a crossbow.

BACON! Terry’s having another flashback while cooking bacon. Apparently this is the episode for flashbacks that I don’t care about. Terry is going CRAZY. Arlene is afraid. COULD THEIR RELATIONSHIP BE ON THE ROCKS? DOES ANYONE CARE BESIDES ALAN BALL?! DOES ALAN BALL EVEN CARE?!

Sookie is… doing stuff when she hears LaFayette thinking about staking Tara. Sookie’s like “STOP!” and LaFayette’s like “I’ve made a huge mistake”. Sookie talks him out of it, however, much to the chagrin of EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE WORLD!

Back to Reverend Vampire. It’s actually back to Jason, watching Reverend Vampire on TV. Andy’s telling one of his officers to drop the speeding ticket that was referenced last episode in a dumb plot that nobody cares about. And now some stupid kid just came in and punched Jason in the face. Apparently he slept with the kid’s mom and now his parents are getting divorced. Where the hell is this coming from?

FLASHBACK TO SAN FRANCISCO, 1905! Pam is being followed through the streets by a creeper. He’s going to cut her up. EXCEPT ERIC NORTHMAN SLICES HIS THROAT WHILE WEARING A TOPHAT! How classy. Pam had spunk, even as a prostitute/brothel person. Now Eric is probably going to turn her. Or… not yet.

Bill is sitting in a chair. Is he being interrogated? Seems like it. He’s got an IV that pumps silver into his bloodstream. This guy with an accent (German?) wants to know why Nora was trying to help them escape (I think?). OH WHAT?! This guy’s like “KNOW WHAT THIS IS SON?” AND BILL’S LIKE “IT’S THE BIBLE!” AND THE DUDE IS LIKE “OLD OR NEW?” AND BILL’S LIKE “NEITHER BITCH! IT’S THE ORIGINAL TESTAMENT – THE VAMPIRE BIBLE!” Apparently before God created Adam and Eve, he created Lilith, who, like God, was a vampire? Apparently… vampires were created in God’s image, not humans? This is quite a large mythology dump right here. The vampire diaries (I’m sorry, I wasn’t even planning on typing that, it just came out, but that’s how I’ll refer to the vampire bible from now on) state that Adam and Eve’s true purpose is to nourish the vampires. Bill doesn’t believe in the literal interpretation of the vampire diaries. Apparently Nora is a fundamentalist who believes that humans are just food and that vampire/human relationships are blasphemy. This German guy is all like “It’s hard trying to maintain peace between vampires and humans. Are you with us or against us?” and Bill’s like “I already told you I don’t believe in the vampire diaries” and German dude’s like “Well, do you hang out with people who do?” and it’s all much more eloquently done in the show, but anyways, the guy pumps silver into Bill’s veins because he’s paranoid and thinks Bill is lying. Looks painful. “Are you sure?”

Now we’re with Eric and Salami. Eric is in the same position Bill was in while Salami takes on the role of German dude. Salami just told Eric that Nora’s betrayal was unforgiveable and that she has met the true death. Eric is CHOKED (like Sookie was at the beginning! By Tara!)! I bet she’s lying. Despite all this, Eric’s still covering for Bill. “Who killed The Flan?” “The Flan is dead?”

Oh, they’re totally doing that entire “Hey, your buddy? Yeah, he crumbled AGES ago. Turned on you like it was nothing. You still going to protect him?” thing that has been done in EVERY SHOW THAT HAS EVER HAD AN INTERROGATION EVER! Real original True Blood. More like “Fake Blood”. UGH. Bill’s claiming that he’s not talking because he just really enjoys German dude’s company. SILVER HIM!

Salami’s like “Bill totally screwed you over. He’s being reinstated as king due to his cooperation. What do you have to say about that?” “Long live the king”.

BACK TO JESSICA’S PARTY MANSION! Jeez, we’re seeing Jessica for the first time at the 36 minute mark. This show has TOO MUCH GOING ON and NOT ENOUGH OF IT MATTERS. Oh snap, Reverend Vampire is at the party mansion! He’s totally inviting himself in to dance! Everyone at the party is like “I LOVE STEVE NEWLIN!” “Before you became a vampire, you were a massive dick!” “I KNOW!” “CAN I TOUCH YOUR FANGS?” “MKAY!!!” Guess why he’s there? Just guess… have you guessed yet? He’s there to offer Jessica $10,000 (in cash) for Jason. Like he’s some piece of meat or something!? I’m indignant! Jessica wants $20,000. Her reasoning? “Have you seen Jason’s butt?” Wow. This… this is some high class entertainment folks. She convinced him to go up to $20K. And then she was like “JK, he’s my friend idiot.” Good job Jessica. Now she’s beating him up. Again. She kicks him out and all the party people were like “AWESOME” and Jess’s like “YOU BORE ME! LEAVE!” and they’re like “VAMPS ARE DICKS!”

Arlene just went to visit Patrick… probably to find out what’s going on with Terry. How much you want to bet that we don’t get any answers in this scene? Hey look, it’s Terry! Arlene says “kids” like “keeeeidds”. Apparently Terry was out looking for the squad mate who fell off the grid. He found him. And… what’s going on in this plotline again?

Oh great. Hoyt’s mom. The worst character in the history of everything. Jason has stopped by to talk with Hoyt. Hoyt’s being a dick, as always. Hoyt keeps saying the F-word. BAD HOYT! “I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BOY JASON STACKHOUSE! YOU ARE DEAD TO ME! (thank you for splitting up hoyt and that red-haired slut – i will make you a pie)”.

Emma just turned into a wolf – A WOLF IN A ONESIE! SOOOO CUUUTTTEEE!!!

Tara’s up. “I will never forgive either of you!” She speeds out of the house, gets sprayed by colloidal silver misters, and screams. Tara’s been doing a lot of screaming in this episode.

Now we’re back to the Authority storyline, where Law and Order: SVU’s Christopher Meloni is playing… some dude involved with the Authority. He ceremoniously slits his wrist and offers the blood to his… followers? Coworkers? Employees? I don’t know what’s going on. But there’s a kid seated at the board table with Salami, German dude, and the rest. They’ve got some kind of religious chant regarding God and Lilith. Instead of saying “amen”, they say “vampyr” which is pretty dumb. Bill and Eric are on their knees before “the council”. Meloni is upset with Nora for betraying him. She gets dragged from the room. PS – she’s not actually dead. Yet. Apparently The Flan referred to Bill and Eric as “****-Up 1” and “****-Up 2”. Cute. In the Authority’s defense… Bill and Eric haven’t done a great job in regards to vampire/human relations. Yeah, so Meloni IS the Authority. Meloni’s like “WHAT ARE YOU GUYS UP TO?” and Bill’s like “NOTHING!” and Eric’s like “SNIDE REMARK!” and Meloni’s like “CHANCELLORS!” (those are the guys sitting at the boardroom table). One of the chancellors is like “When you’ve got lame horses, you put ‘em down”. Black dude is like “They destroyed a very real threat – we need them alive”. Snotty kid is like “THEY KILLED AN AUTHORITY MEMBER!” They’re so conflicted over what to do with Eric and Bill! See, the Authority is all about maintaining co-existence with humans. Which… seems like a noble goal. I’m not really sure who I’m supposed to be cheering for here. Uh oh. Salami’s bringing out a stake. He’s like “ANY LAST WORDS?” and Bill’s like “Our lives in return for Russell Edgington!” Meloni’s like “Russel Edgington is dead. THE FLAN TOLD ME SO!” Bill and Eric inform the chancellors on what has transpired. All this being said, we still have yet to actually see Edgington… how long are they going to keep this card up their sleeves? Meloni’s pretty angry that they didn’t kill Edgington. Meloni REALLY wants to stake them. But he doesn’t. Because this is True Blood and Bill and Eric will never actually be in danger of dying. Bill’s now sucking up to Meloni. Nice job Bill.

Oh, there we go. We’ve seen Edgington now. He doesn’t look good. His skin is all cracked and bloody and gross and stuff. He’s been eating a lot of people. AND HE’S AWAKE!

That’s all for this week folks. Join us again next week for MORE EXCITING TRUE BLOOD ADVENTURES AND ALSO MORE BORING AND STUPID ONES! LOTS OF BORING AND STUPID ONES!