CESpool

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CES attendee, why are you here? Are you hoping to see the latest and greatest gadget? Have you been here the past few years? Have you noticed you’ll find no such gadget anywhere near CES?

And if it were here, would it matter? Do such gadgets ever get released? Or are they figments of some marketing wizard’s imagination? Have you seen the press release? Have you noticed there is no price or release date? Is there any actual demand for this product?

But have you looked at this fucking brochure and its beautiful fucking product renders? Did you watch the video? Did you see the future? Did you cry? Do you want this Netgear swag shirt to wipe away those tears? Would you like two?

How about some food? Does it look undercooked? Does it look cooked at all? Are you healthy? Do you want a Clif Bar? Would you like some electrolytes? How about a Red Bull instead? How many Red Bulls can you crush in one keynote? Are you going to that thing tonight?

Or maybe you’re here to see Vegas? Do you love the city of moral grime clogged up with an extra 200,000 of your least favorite types of people? Do you like talking about bullshit? Do you avoid eye-contact with people? Do you like cesspools? Do you like improving your odds of getting SARS? Would you like a free pass to the finger-food buffet?

Would you like to see the fourth generation of the Ultrabook? Do you even know what the hell that is? Is that like a netbook but with a totally mondo tubular word affixed to the front? Is it better than a Megabook?

Maybe you’d like some hands-on time with the Vizio 5-inch, 1080p phone? Are you an NBA player? Do you live in China? Do you want to?

Does anyone have a 6-inch phone? Will someone one-up them with a 7-inch phone? Do you like looking like an asshole? Will someone dare do a 27-inch phone?

Is the LiveViewGPS going to transform your cell phone into a location device with the world’s first prepaid mobile phone locate card? Does that give you an erection?

Did Alcatel just intro the One Touch Idol Ultra? Can you check for me? Is it really the world’s slimmest phone? Won’t there be a slimmer one tomorrow by a company you’ve also never heard of? Can it run Letterpress? No? Tweetbot? No? Solitaire?

Can you pinch me to make sure I’m awake?

Is the Acer Iconia B1 the best tablet that $130 can buy? What about this one for $129.99? Could you use that $130 to buy something you’ll actually use? Come to our party tonight? Do you like ice luges? Do you like two ice luges more than one?

Did Ballistic unveil a new Aspira Series for the iPhone 5? Is it stunning and pocket-able? Does it offer repeated drop protection by combining a soft rubber interior and corner bumpers with a hard plastic exterior? Where’s the Apple booth?

Is this headline going to make Techmeme? What about this one? What if I include the specs? Will anyone click? Is anyone reading this? Should this be a live-blog?

Can you wait for SXSW?

Can you afford a 4K television? What if you sell a kidney? What if you sell a child? Will there be any content available for it in the next five years? Do you need content when you can stare at a beautiful fucking picture of New York City in the springtime? Didn’t you see one of these last year?

Does it smell like urine in here? Is that smell-o-vision? Is that a new golden shower-scented mechanical cigarette? Or did you just piss yourself seeing the latest thingy from Huawei?

Wait, did I already make fun of Huawei? Do I know what Huawei actually does? Do they make thingys? Do they make sunshine? Should I care?

Did you notice the LG executives in the corner holding hands and praying for Apple to no longer exist before storming the stage to “kill it” with some random celebrity you haven’t thought about in a decade and has absolutely nothing to do with the product being unveiled?

Did Intel announce the follow-up to the 486 DX this year? Will it fit in an Ultraphablet? Is it bigger than the fist I want to punch you in the face with?

Can we start drinking yet? What’s the maximum number of tweets you can send in three seconds? What do you mean my followers don’t give a shit about the abomination that NEC just gave birth to on stage? You think they don’t care about a battery indicator?

Who gave me pink eye? Is there a doctor in this entire goddamn place? Does Vizio’s new television with the super HD camera have a remote doctor demo? Does anyone at least have any Visine?

Why does everyone here have an iPhone? And a MacBook Air? And an iPad?

Why is everyone here a tech blogger? Why are all my posts being read only by other tech bloggers? Do I still have a soul? Can you check on that for me?

Thanks.

[Just in case it’s not clear, this post is a rip-off of homage to the brilliant review of Guy Fieri’s new restaurant in Times Square that Pete Wells wrote in November for The New York Times. The format seemed perfect for the 3,000th takedown of CES.]