Connect With Us!

Your 23andMe Results Reveal Your Ancestors Were Mostly Jerks

Congratulations, your results are in! We received your sample and, through a series of very scientific processes, we’ve been able to determine a few things about your genetic makeup. While the 23andMe reports of the past have focused on where our clients’ ancestors are from or their genetic risk of disease, our brand new testing report highlights the most prominent personality traits of our clients’ ancestors.

Your DNA tells a powerful story about where you’re from and who you are. As you read this report. you may see parts of yourself in the personality traits we were able to isolate. Please enjoy the results of your 23andMe traits analysis below!

Your DNA indicates that your ancestors were:

24% the kind of person who walks slowly in front of other people who have somewhere real to be

Many 23andMe clients are surprised to learn that the kind of people who walk slowly in front of other people who have someone real to be have been around for hundreds of thousands of years! While today’s people who walk slowly in front of other people who have somewhere real to be are most often found in narrow super store aisles, metro stations as the train is approaching, and airport moving sidewalks, the people who walk slowly in front of other people who have somewhere real to be were once most often found in narrow cave passages that would absolutely have enough room for one cave person to pass another cave person if the cave person in front wasn’t walking right in the fucking middle of the cave path.

39% the kind of person who complains about the cost of candy at the movie theatre to the teenage concession clerk

If you’ve ever found yourself loudly bemoaning the $5.75 a box of snowcaps costs at the movie theatre and then asking the teenage concession clerk what sort of profit the box office was making on said snowcaps before sharing the exact price you could purchase identical snowcaps at the gas station around the corner, you’re not alone! As it turns out, this sort of complaining likely runs in your blood because your ancestors were 39% the kind of person who complains about the cost of candy at the movie theatre to the teenage concession clerk! While your ancestors didn’t have movie theaters or snowcaps in their day, it’s likely that your great-great- great-great-great-great grandparents on both your mother’s and father’s side often complained about the mark-up on cave goods at the cave entertainment-plex even though they could have just stopped at the cave convenience store on their way over and smuggled in some cheap cave goods in their cave purses like every other decent cave person.

If your ancestors were alive today, they might use phrases like “let’s take this offline,” “I don’t have the bandwidth for new projects,” and “This has lots of moving parts, ping me to reconnect soon so we can drill down on how we plan to leverage the buy-in.” During the earliest days of civilization, though, when your ancestors were just beginning to transition from a nomadic lifestyle to one of sedentary agriculture, they, as people who use excessively business-y language that doesn’t really mean anything, were likely known to mumble such phrases as “let’s consider how we can optimize the ecosystem for scalability.”

18% the kind of person who is weirdly afraid of bees

While your DNA didn’t indicate that you or any of your ancestors were in any way allergic to bees, it did indicate that they were the kind of people who are weirdly afraid of bees. Next time a bee flies by your ear and you find yourself swatting, dancing and swearing yourself down the street even though the worst that could happen is a little sting that even 5-year-olds don’t cry over, take comfort in knowing that this sort of swatting, dancing, swearing routine has been happening among your ancestors for centuries.

About Mock Mom

MockMom is a satire-based corner of the internet where parents can come to cry-laugh about the trials of life with kids. Panty-wadding prohibited. Interested in contributing? Visit our submissions page for details. You can also help support our creative juices by donating to our tip jar.