DERF Happy Hour

Sad pet tragedies reported Wednesdays.Note for dumb people: None of these animals actually died. We just wrote their fake obituaries. We don't hateanimals and we don't read stupid complaints.

Departed goldfish unecognizable due to bloating

Steve Gebnik made the discovery every goldfish owner dreads when he went to feed his two swimming pets. There, floating on his side, was Fred, or Oscar. "I'm not really sure," Gebnik says. "I'm pretty sure it was Fred, because he was slightly bigger than Oscar, but with the bloating it's hard to be absolutely certain."

"I'd like to figure out which fish is gone, and which is still swimming around in that bowl," Gebnik says. "I'm thinking of naming the surviving fish Froscar, and also putting that name on the tombstone in the garden."

04.10.2011

Boa Constrictor drowns underneath large load of delicates

Sammy,Boa Constrictor,Age 4

After escaping from its terrarium, the 9 foot boa constrictor in the Nelson family household took refuge inside the family's General Electric Easy Care 2000 washing machine. Celeste Nelson did not see the snake curled up at the bottom of the machine when she dropped in a full load of delicates.

Experts say the machine's spinning action probably prevented the reptile from surfacing and caused it to drown. It is uncertain at what point in the wash cycle the snake died but it is unlikely the boa survived long enough to experience the refreshing the rinse cycle.

Additionally, the snake may have ingested a lethal combination of Mountain Scent Downy fabric softener and Tide Ultra detergent with bleach alternative.

04.10.2011

Chimp, beloved TV star, dead at 44

Bongo the monkey, best known for his work on the ‘70s children’s TV series CiCi’sCircus, Monkey Business and Senator Chimp, has passed at age 44.

After leaving television, he became involved in several projects behind the camera. The “Shakespeare Project,” was probably the most ambitious of these. “It was me and about 100 other chimps, just sitting in a room banging away at typewriters,” he saidin a 1996 interview. “THe show never aired but several drafts did become scripts for episodes of Dawson's Creek and Two and A Half Men.

Following his successful career, Bongo avoided the drug and tax problems of many of his contemporaries. Though no cause of death has been released, it is believed that Bongo may have been suffering from lung cancer. “I smoked cigars my whole life,” he once told Barbara Walters. In later years he urged other animals to quitsmokingt.

His later years were spent living in semi-retirement making appearances as a guest panelist on the Bill Maher show, Real Time, and working on a liberal CNN political discussion show called Don’t Fling Your Poo With Bongo the Monkey.

12.14.2010

Rory the Hamster exposed as imposter; Real Rory died months ago

Kyle Himnaub's worst suspicions were realized late last week, when he finally confirmed that his hamster Rory was in fact an imposter. The “real” Rory it seems passed away several months ago while in the care of Kyle’s parents. “We’re not sure what happened to Rory,” said Kyle’s father Richard. “We just got a new hamster, and figured no one would be the wiser. Despite his solid “C” average, Kyle knew something was amiss upon his return from summer camp. As it turns out, Kyle’s twin brother Max did not go to summer camp and was privy to the whole charade. The plot was exposed when Max, who had been grounded, switched places with his brother in order to attend a concert. Thinking she was talking to Max, Mrs. Himnaub asked if Kyle perhaps noticed it was a different Rory. “They did it to because they were trying to spare my feelings, so I understand,” said Kyle. “It’s kind of like the time I had two dates for the same dance. I didn’t want to hurt either girls’ feelings so I went to the dance and spent the whole night running back and forth between them while my friend Pete ran blocker.” Mr. Roper could not be reached for comment.

11.09.2010

Pet Rock Dead at 35

Arthur the pet rock past away last Saturdaynight. He was 35. “I thought he’d be around forever,” mused his owner Kurt Rumbleson. “But the other day I went down to the rec room, and new right away he was gone. People said he wouldn’t last six months when I first got him back in ‘75, but he was a fighter. Everyone made fun of him, poor little guy, but you know what? Everyone secretly wanted to be him. Whenever someone comes up with a stupid product or idea what do they say? ‘Maybe it’ll be the next pet rock.’ Well, I don’t think so, no sir.” Arthur’s actual age was somewhat older than 35, probably closer to 4.6 Billion. Formed by heat, gravitational forces and immense pressure, Arthur was one of thousands of rocks domesticated in the mid 1970s by for a hurried and slightly dim-witted public. “We were close,” says Rumbleson. “He was my always there. He was my strength in tough times. He was like, uh…something heavy that’s always there. Like a big tree.” Arthur will not be buried. Instead, Rumbleson plans to have him stuffed. “That way he’ll always be with me.”

11.01.2010

Defiant deer no match for Dodge Ram pick-up.

Bucky the deer, a local fixture in Miami Township, was struck and killed by a Dodge Ram pick-up driven by Walter Hemi.

"I was coming around the bend, and it was prety dark," said Walter. Bucky stood in the middle of the road as the pick-up bore down on him. "He looked like Dan Quayle in the headlights," recalls Hemi. "I hit the brakes and thought I was going to be able to stop in time, but I hit him square on. I thought for sure his rack would have been damaged."

Bucky will be missed by local residents as well as the dozens of does in the area. "It's a shame he had to die in something as senseless as a car accident," laments Hemi, "and with my rifle there right behind my head in the rifle rack!"

Bucky will live on in people's memories, and part of him will always be with Walter, particularly the front half which will be on display in the rec room of the Hemi household.