What Faking Orgasms Can Teach Us About Female Sexuality

Several months ago, I was told about a book I had to read: A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual Relationships by Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam.

I was knocked out by the authentic information that leapt from the pages that had been gleaned from the Internet which offered total anonymity. It also re-affirmed my ideas on female sexuality (based on attending and hosting sex parties in the 60's instead of having freshmen college students answer yet another dumb questionnaire then crunching numbers). This is when I first observed way too many women faking orgasms to please their partners.

These sex parties were followed by my all female Bodysex workshops where we masturbated in a circle. We discovered that we could have as many orgasms as we wanted if we just took the time. This intimate kind of sexual field work allowed me to become somewhat of an authority on women's orgasms through self-stimulation with electric vibrators combined with self-vaginal penetration. These workshops were based on seventies feminist consciousness raising of the popular self-help groups where women shared their stories speaking in first person.

In hindsight, those same workshops also kicked off a vibrator revolution and partially answered the question: "What do women want?” According to the thousands of women who shared masturbation with me over a 25 year period, I learned that most wanted consistent steady clitoral stimulation in just the right place for as long as they desired under their control with a minimum of distractions. Of course group support made it special. All the women sat in the circle nude, discussed their sex lives, displayed their sex organs and then shared orgasms with masturbation. We always ended with group massage and farewell group hugs. The range of women was from very sophisticated to rank beginners with a broad range of ages and life styles. I'd call that quality fieldwork through direct observation.

Over the years, I’ve read a series of conflicting numbers describing the frequency of woman’s orgasm. Here’s an example from the UK: “Not every clinician establishes with the patient how they actually orgasm. It has been suggested that 95 percent of women experience clitoral orgasms, 65 percent of women have vaginal orgasms and 35 per cent of women have orgasms via the cervix.” Whenever I read something like this, I scream BULL SHIT!

Then I read another set of numbers that were published in 2010 by Michael Castleman, in his book, All About Sex. He goes on to say, “Vaginal intercourse can feel wonderful: the physical closeness, the emotional intimacy, and for many, the belief that intercourse epitomizes sex. But for most women's orgasms, the old in-out is problematic. The best evidence suggests that only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse no matter how vigorous or prolonged it is, no matter how loving the relationship, no matter what position the lovers use, and no matter what the size of the man's penis. The reason? During intercourse (missionary, doggie, woman-on-top, whatever), the penis does not directly stimulate the clitoris, the organ most responsible for women's orgasms. Sexuality experts reassure couples that the woman's inability to experience orgasm during intercourse is (1) very common, (2) no reflection on her sexual responsiveness, (3) no reflection on the man's sexual technique, and (4) no reflection on the woman's feelings about the relationship.”

I agree with Michael, my friend and colleague since the eighties. However, according to my clinical practice over the past 45 years, I’d want to factor in the percentage of women who fake orgasms during intercourse to protect the male ego. Instead of 25 percent of women consistently orgasmic during intercourse, I’d bring that down to 10 or 15 percent.

It’s a shame faking orgasm happens as it keeps men ignorant of women’s actual sexual response. Unfortunately, these men end up thinking they’re “great lovers” when in fact they don’t have a clue. How many of us have told our date the truth that we didn’t get off and heard the following line? “All the other women I’ve made love to had orgasms.” If he seemed worth the effort, I’d tell him that all those other women were faking him out for a million reasons. Often it was a ploy on the woman’s part to seem more desirable or marriageable, or to hide her ignorance about her own orgasm. Those men who seemed worth it would get a short lesson in female anatomy emphasizing the clitoris.

My first effort at giving an anatomy lesson to a lover was one of the most non-sexual uncomfortable moments of my post marital sexlife. Tom was going down on me and he never once connected with my clitoris. He was sucking my inner lips and tongue fucking my vaginal opening. He wasn’t anywhere near my clitoris. So I gathered my courage and announced that I’d give him a quick anatomy lesson as I turned on the bedside lamp. When I showed him my clitoris he nodded, glanced at his watch and announced he was sorry he had to leave or he’d miss his dentist’s appointment. In one minute flat, he was dressed and out the door. My next effort was a success and the guy was very grateful for my information.

There are also benevolent reasons for faking an orgasm. Let’s say a lover has marvelous come control. When I observe his monumental effort to “hold back” waiting for me to come when I’m a good 20 minutes away, I have faked an orgasm to let us both off the hook. Instead of struggling to achieve some “goal” when sex stops being fun, I pretend because once I “try to come” I know I’m not likely to get anywhere. As for the guy, when holding back becomes laborious, just blast off. You can finish her off in many different ways; by oral or manual or hand her a vibrator while you plant soft kisses on her neck.

I believe the “male establishment” wants to preserve the myth of the vaginal orgasm. Mainly because its procreative sex that most religions support. It’s understandable why so many men just want to plunge inside that warm moist space and thrust until they get off. I also suspect that a lot of guys are actually terrified of a clitoris. After all, it’s a tiny penis that is far more responsive than their big piece of meat. Factor in male homophobia as they approach our little female phallus, then add women’s touchiness about how they want their clits to be handled and I can understand their reticence.

One of the biggest and best reason I suggest that a woman stimulate her own clitoris is because she’s the one who knows what feels best, the pressure and stroke that’s just right as she slows down or speeds up when desired. Guys too often speed up and apply more pressure when they see us getting more excited. But this will cause us to drop back all the way to the beginning when we have to build up again. I can’t say this enough: “Be a steady drummer and hold the beat, while she goes wild or remains quiet as she reaches her orgasm.”

Just remember, any woman who has had an orgasm can fake one quite easily. It’s less possible for a man unless he’s a semen saver. They can orgasm without releasing any sperm if they are practitioners of Taoist sex. Another possible consideration is why rush toward orgasm when it signals the end of enjoying sex with a partner? Finally remember no touching of your own or a lover’s sex organ without massage oil on your hands and manicured fingers. Additional lubrication is the first and most important sex toy.