From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Improving Your Marital Satisfaction

Chapter I: Improving Your Marriage

Not long ago, I conducted marital research on spouses in over 200 different marriagesas part of my doctoral dissertation. The purpose of this research was to identify the relationshipingredients necessary to achieve marital satisfaction. This article is the first of aseries in which I will share with you the results of this research. Below are six categories of behaviors which can lead a couple to marital satisfaction or bust!

Expression of Affection. Affection in a relationship is expressed through both words and actions. In the early stages of relationships, partners usually pay a great deal of attention to each other and behave thoughtfully in a variety of ways. No doubt, this is a major selling point in attraction to a relationship. But while affection in new relationships seems to come easy, the real trick is to develop and sustain a genuine level of affection over time.

Communication. Early in relationships, partners often describe their ability to talk endlessly. But over time, communication involves much more than generating an interesting dialogue. Communication becomes a matter of listening to one another's thoughts, ideas, feelings, and opinions. Communication involves trust, a desire to confide, and an ability to express one's self without fear of harsh judgement.

Consensus. While it is actually quite dull to agree on everything, partners in relationships must have a basic level of agreement on matters of lifestyle. As relationships develop, partners establish understandings between them about issues such as money, recreation, their home environment, parenting, and relationships with others in their lives. While it may not be necessary to agree on all matters of politics and religion, it is tiring when every discussion results in conflict. A certain level of agreement is necessary for partnerships to function well, and this usually requires a willingness to compromise.

Sexuality and Intimacy. Among the most important ingredients in a marriage are the elements of sexuality and intimacy. Sexual love is a crucial and binding force in marital relationships. Sexuality and intimacy reassure partners that they are loved, valued, and attractive. Over time, these two elements create deep personal bonds, or convey the height of personal rejection. In addition, sexuality and intimacy provide relationship security by satisfying this basic human need.

Conflict Management. When partners disagree, the disagreement itself is usually not the biggest problem. Rather, the greater problem may be the fall-out from ways in which partners struggle to get their way. In general, humans hate the feeling of giving in, and they seek revenge for the loss of face. As such, it is wise to consider how conflicts are handled in your marriage.

Some spouses manage conflict by habitually giving in to the wishes of their mate, regardless of their own feelings. While on face value this seems like a peaceful tactic, it generally results in built up anger which will surface in some other destructive way. In other relationships, conflicts are resolved through bullying behavior which often turns from verbal to physical violence. When conflicts escalate into domestic violence, they leave permanent scars on the relationship.

Distribution of Roles. Marital satisfaction is also related to spouses' satisfaction with the roles they play in the marriage. The problem is that roles change quite a bit over time due finances, work schedules, children, and the needs of other family members. Over a period of years, spouses will play a variety of roles in relation to each other. Sometimes, roles change in ways that are less than desirable due to circumstances beyond our control. At other times, each of us wants to grow and change what we do in life. The trick to maintaining happiness in this unique partnership is learning to work well together, being supportive, and remaining flexible. When change is supported, marriages typically become more solid and loving. Life is just not as predictable as it once was, so we must all be prepared to take our turn at washing dishes and cleaning the bathrooms!

In short, marriage is teamwork and when team members take good care of each other, therewards are great. Take a few minutes to review these six categories with your partner.Together, you may be able to make your new year's resolutions come true!

Chapter 2: Loving Marriages

In Chapter 1 we saw how research revealed three key characteristics of satisfying marriages. Marriages must be sufficiently loving; they must be sufficiently loyal;and spouses must be satisfied in the areas of parenting and religion. In thissection we will look at one of these components --- loving marriages.

Loving marriages remain romantic. Both husbands and wives indicated that romance is an important part of their marital satisfaction. Romantic relationships tend to be those in which couples communicate well and behave affectionately. While romance tends to come most naturally during the courtship period, marital satisfaction is associated with long-term romantic habits. Couples who wish to increase their level of marital satisfaction can begin by softening their communication and increasing the number of caring, thoughtful behaviors that they contribute to the relationship.

Loving marriages are forgiving. Human beings are not perfect. While spouses tend to marry the "perfect person", few of us retain our halos for very long. Forgiveness is an important part of problem solving in marriages. As couples work through the various misunderstandings that arise in marriage, they hopefully learn from their mistakes and grow closer through the process. It takes hard work to be successful in a relationship, and times of conflict are opportunities for growth as a couple. However, when there is the lack of forgiveness, the relationship enters into a state of decay. Problems are not forgotten; so when conflicts have not been resolved sufficiently to achieve forgiveness, it is extremely difficult to be loving.

Loving spouses are respectful of each other. Since each person has his or her own definition of respect, it is necessary for spouses to learn how to show respect for each other. Respect is a quality which we learn about early in life. As children, we are instructed on how to behave respectfully toward others in school, in our community, and in our families. As adults, however, we are on our own. We can choose to be respectful of others, especially our mates, or we can behave respectfully only when required. The bottom line is that mutual respect makes the relationship more satisfying.

Loving spouses are sensitive and supportive. In general, we are all extremely sensitive and we get our feelings hurt quite easily, especially by our mates. As such, it is essential that spouses learn how to be sensitive and supportive of one another. In supportive relationships, spouses would be more likely solve problems through teamwork with an attitude of "you and me against the world". In non-supportive relationships, spouses would be more likely to solve problems through criticism, with an attitude of "you and me against each other".

This study also showed that while loving relationships are important to marital satisfaction, satisfaction with love is not enough! Relationships must be sufficientlyloving, and they must be sufficiently loyal. Without loyalty, even the most loving couple cannot achieve marital satisfaction.

Chapter 3: Loyal Marriages

In this chapter we will describe the role of loyalty in marital satisfaction.

Loyalty is a statement of lifetime commitment. While lifetime commitment does not guarantee eternal happiness, it is an unwavering agreement to stop shopping for other mates, to solve problems rather than run away from them, and to stick together through thick and thin. This is especially critical once there are children in the picture.

Loyalty is a way of behaving. Countless fights occur in the car on the way home from parties about things that have been said or done. While some spouses like to socialize individually at parties, others want to behave as a couple and receive each others' support in social settings. While it is perfectly healthy to disagree in private, no one likes to feel like a fool in public. So, one of the things couples must learn is how not to embarrass each other.

To avoid embarrassment, couples must learn which topics are off limits in public. Two which readily come to mind are (1) criticisms of in-laws and (2) telling embarrassing stories about each other. Unfortunately, most of these lessons are learned after the fact, and after the fight. So, I recommend using the marital fight as a learning experience and an opportunity to discuss how things should be handled in the future. Hopefully, marital disagreements lead to a better understanding of one another, and a growing love and respect for each other.

Loyal couples tend to share common value systems. Loyalty requires a certain amount of confidence and trust. Spouses who share common moral values are more likely to agree on important issues. When mates have a common value system, they are more likely to trust each others' judgments and decisions. However, when ethics and moral values conflict, even simple decisions may become opportunities for mistrust and competition.

Each of us enters into marriage with a set of standards and beliefs which have developed over the course of our lifetime. Thus, it should be relatively easy to predict whether a relationship between two parties will be peaceful, or escalate into constant power struggles. Since most of us learn our ethics and values from our families of origin, a look at both families is one way to predict long-term compatibility. However, engaged couples tend to minimize their differences during courtship, so it is hard to imagine the future as any less than perfect. None-the-less, a shared value system will eventually be important, especially if children come into the picture. Loyal marriages are sexually satisfying. Sex in marriage serves to re-charge the teamwork battery. When couples make love, they are caring for each other in very important ways. By honoring each others sexuality and conveying that you find your partner sexually attractive, you are also helping to maintain the esteem of your mate. When spouses fail to relate to each other in sexual ways, the relationship becomes vulnerable to mistrust and interference by others. Human beings have a great need to feel loved, honored and cherished. Sexuality is a bonding exercise between mates, which must be renewed regularly and with enthusiasm. Likewise, sexual functioning is important from a physical perspective. When in doubt, see a doctor or therapist for your sexual concerns.

To sum up, when couples decide to marry, they often fail to consider the role of loyalty in marriage. However, this research suggests that loyalty is critically importantand plays a significant role in marital satisfaction. When choosing a mate, we must realize that we are not only selecting a life partner, but also, we are selecting apartner for life. Courtship is really the easy part. After the wedding, the real work begins!

Chapter 4: The Role of Kids and Religion in Marital Satisfaction

So far, we have discussed the role of lovingness and loyalty in a marriage. In this chapter we'll address the role of satisfaction with family and religion in the marriage.

In order to survive, families need certain structures and elements in their lives. They need a means of economic security, an effective sharing of family roles, the ability to solve their problems, and a host of emotional resources. Our research found that couples were most satisfied when they shared similar ideas about family roles, were able to solve problems together.

It is important to share the commitment to good parenting. Although couples usually start their relationships based upon their attraction to one another, things can quickly become more complicated. For example, an unplanned pregnancy or step-children can soon hoist newlyweds into parental roles for which they are unprepared.

Ideally, couples share a similar value system and want to work together to raise their children. This research suggests that couples must agree about the importance of children and they must be satisfied with their roles as parents in order to be satisfied in the marriage.

Couples must work hard to keep their lives and relationships in balance. Most spouses find it difficult to keep their many obligations in perspective. In any given day, they must attend to their individual needs, the needs of their mate, and often, the needs of their children and other family members. Whenever we add a new dimension to our lives, we must change the way we divide our time. Each role we play in life is very demanding, and ignoring any of the important roles is an invitation to danger. For example, we can't put the kids "on hold", we cant not go to work and expect to keep our jobs, and similarly, we cant afford to ignore the need for regular private marital time, to maintain satisfaction within their marriage. On top of that, each spouse needs to have some "alone" time to exercise, to collect their thoughts, and in general, to take care of themselves.

Commitment to religion can provide a healthy structure for family life.

Belief in God is a very personal matter.

Ideally, couples agree with each other both about the importance of having children,and on their satisfaction with their parental status at the moment. Ideally, they willagree about whether the time is right, and they will co-create the family they have planned.

Having a family is a "couple " thing. Spouses need each other's help to raise a child, and children need two healthy and happy parents. As a family, members will hopefully provide economic, physical and emotional security to each other throughout life.

Marital satisfaction can be achieved when mates are synchronized in re more importantto one spouse than the other, Marital satisfaction is most easily achieved when spousesare in agreement about the importance of children and each person's current level ofsatisfaction.

For example, couples may disagree about the timing of parenthood, styles of parenting,developmental readiness, all of which can make things miserable. Once children are in the picture, parenting is for life. These days, couples are wise to discuss their before desire to be part of a couple. If two spouses are deciding whether or not to have children, it is important that they agree about this lifelong decision. Problems arise when the individual spouses disagree about the importance of children.

Long, long ago, the fairy-tale life was laid out such that two young people got married, expecting to stay together for life. After a few years of marriage, during which they got to know each other and plan a life together, they mutually decided to become parents, and were ready to face the joys and pains of their life-long responsibility as parents.

Fortunately, because this fairy tale included nannies and servants, couples were able to divide their time between their many family roles, allowing them to find a comfortable balance in the time they took for each of their life tasks. As individuals, each parent as parents, and as spouses in their marriage. And assumed perhaps the most serious disagreement that a couple can have, is whether or not to become parents. After all, thedecision to have a child is an agreement to assume a lifelong responsibility which is highly labor-intensive and demanding. Also, because parenting is forever, the decision to have a child has a dramatic impact on marital relationships. Parents must therefore be mature enough to take care of both their child, and their marital relationship.

Do children help or hinder marriages? Early research on marriage showed that couples experienced a distinct decrease in marital satisfaction during the child-rearing years, which then frequently improved during the empty-nest stage of life after the children had left home. From these findings, some researchers concluded that raising children negatively impacts marital satisfaction. Further research, however, has suggested that marital satisfaction is more complex than that.

While instincts alone can lead to marriages and children, it is necessary to learn how to be a good parent and a good spouse. Today, a variety of programs are available to assist couples in improving relationship skills and improved parenting skills. What's more, the act of engaging in activities designed to improve relationship skills also offers a unique bonding experience for couples.

The role of religion in marital satisfaction. While most dating and engaged couples deny that their religious differences are important, our research showed that religious beliefs greatly influence long-term marital satisfaction. In this research, religion was considered from two distinct perspectives: Faith in God, and Religious Commitment. Results suggested that marital satisfaction is largely based upon the relative importance of faith in God, and satisfaction with the family's role in their religious community. So, even if religion is not important to either spouse, but they agree on their views, it is likely that they will be satisfied. The problem is that before marriage, religious differences are often minimized, and not discussed until after childbirth. Often times, religion becomes such a point of conflict that parents end up playing tug-of-war for the child's religious up bringing.

The research described here was conducted as part of my doctoral dissertation,"The relationship between marital characteristics, marital interaction processes, and marital satisfaction". I am grateful to Dr. Jane E. Myers and other faculty members at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro for their guidance, support and encouragement on this project.