Let Go of Resentment in Your Relationships

Sometimes anger is justified, but holding on to hurt feelings can negatively affect our lives and relationships. In fact, a study last year from the journal Social Psychiatry & Psychiatric Epidemiology found that harboring a grudge is associated with multiple health problems, like heart disease, stomach ulcers and chronic pain. Moving on can be challenging, but according to Alex Lickerman, MD, assistant vice president for student health and counseling services at the University of Chicago and author of the blog Happiness in this World, "Forgiving requires us to let go of our anger, of our desire to punish and of the need for an apology. In forgiving we're ultimately seeking to free ourselves." But letting bygones be bygones is easier said than done—especially when you're dealing with a variety of different relationships and emotional connections. Read on for tips on how to move forward with everyone, from your best friend to your boss.

Immediate family member: After tossing back a few too many drinks at a friend's party, your sister picked a fight with you that turned ugly––and public. You managed to keep your cool, but nonetheless, it was humiliating and you're still seething months later.

How to let it go: First, recognize that the closer the connection you have with someone, the higher your sensitivity level and expectations are. These are the folks who have known you your whole life, so they know all your buttons and how to push them—intentionally or not. But no matter how highly we think of those close to us, we still need to allow them to be imperfect. If your sister apologized and this type of blow-up was out of character for her, you may want to address it by saying something like, "I have to be honest; I'm having a hard time getting past the party incident, but I want to clear the air so we can enjoy each other's company again." Then talk about why it happened and whether there are lingering issues that need to be discussed so you can move on. However, if this is yet another example of out-of-control behavior on her part, "forgiveness may require redefining the distance at which the relationship is held," says Dr. Lickerman. It may be in your best interest for now to keep your sister at arm's length, but try to have some compassion, too: "Even if the insult was meant in a personal way, cruelty is never about the victim's shortcomings but rather the abuser's."

Distant relative: Your cousins have yet to thank you for the elaborate holiday dinner you hosted––that they didn't lift a finger to help with––and this isn't the first time.

How to let it go: They may be inconsiderate, but don't let their behavior dictate yours. "Accept that this is the way they are and be proud of yourself for being so thoughtful," says Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, author of the bestselling book A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness. "Look for opportunities in the future to make things different, such as asking for help in the kitchen the next time they're over for a meal." If their rudeness continues, though, speak to them directly and let them know that you'd really like to continue including them in your plans, but that you'll need them to pitch in a little to do so.

Close girlfriend: Whenever you make time for her, you end up wasting some too––she's always late, and your resentment deepens each time.

How to let it go: Identify the root of the problem—chances are it's not waiting solo at the restaurant that bugs you, it's that she seems to value her time more than yours—and tell her how you feel. "Try something like, 'I know we're both crazy-busy, and I love that we can get together, but it upsets me when you show up late because I make a real effort to be on time, and I stick to it.' Then problem-solve together. For example, you may agree that she'll text you right when she's leaving so you can stay at the office and get some work done rather than wait for her at the bar," suggests Dr. Lombardo.

Colleague: Your coworker gave your project some negative feedback in a meeting last month, and you're still hurt and angry about it.

How to let it go: You're likely upset because of assumptions you've made about her intentions. "She may have been trying to throw you under the bus, but it's also possible she was trying to help make your project even better," Dr. Lombardo notes. Don't assume you know what she was thinking. "Why not depersonalize her comments? Consider what truth there was in her feedback and focus on improving your project in any way you can."

Boss: Your boss took credit for your brilliant idea, and weeks later, he's still being praised by the top brass.

How to let it go: "Be proud of yourself for how valuable your work is to your team, then ask yourself what you're worried about and address that," Dr. Lombardo advises. For example, if you're worried you won't move up because no one knows how much you've contributed, meet with your boss before your next review to recap your successes. "He'll be reminded of your contributions, plus it reflects positively on him to have such a successful employee," she adds.

Spouse: Forgetting an anniversary is one thing, but your husband actually forgot your last birthday! He's apologized 20 different ways, but you're still seething.

How to let it go: Sometimes, "we may find ourselves withholding forgiveness to avoid appearing to condone what was done to us," explains Dr. Lickerman. He notes that holding a grudge also helps us feel more in control––which is especially attractive when we're hurt and vulnerable. Your hubby already acknowledged he was wrong, so if this incident was a fluke and he consistently shows you how important you are to him, let him off the hook already!

How to let it go: First things first: No sudden movements! "Before you go strangle him, take a deep breath to gather your thoughts," suggests Dr. Lombardo. "He's focused on accomplishing things in his day, not ruining yours." After you've calmed down, go have a talk with him. Empathize with him, and also share your point of view. According to Dr. Lombardo, you might try: "'I can appreciate that you want to finish the lawn before it gets too hot out, and I'm sure you can understand my desire to sleep in when I work double shifts all week.' Then try to agree on a time that would be acceptable to start the yard work."

Yourself: You didn't devote enough time to a major work project, and it showed.

How to let it go: If you keep beating yourself up about it, you could be setting yourself up for more failure. A May 2010 study from the journal Personality and Individual Differences examined college students who had procrastinated in studying for an exam. Those who forgave themselves for their shabby preparation improved their moods and procrastinated less the next time around. Resolve to do better in the future, and let bygones be bygones.

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