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A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: "No longer on God's green earth "

Weekend Writing Warriors: Week 2

Welcome to another #8sunday post. This week returning to my WIP, ATNS, and making the selection for today's 8 sentences using the random scrolling method, I've landed very early in the story. Our heroine, Marissa, is still unsure of her whereabouts, but has come to terms with the very real likelihood that she's been abducted. She came to the aid of an injured man, (Cuylrh) unlike any she's ever seen, and they've been under attack by four-legged predators--also unlike anything she's ever seen. Time has passed, with no way to judge it other than being hungry, thirsty and so tired. And she's been dealing with her own fear-- and with their defense. In this scene, finally in a calm moment, she's considering the man beside her.

"He must be French… from the sound of his
voice.

Funny how the mind meanders in the downtime of even the most bizarre
situations. She changed her mind; he must be German--identifying himself
as Cuylrh dae Medoch, the last syllable pronounced like he was clearing his
throat. Definitely a German, with the most striking gold eyes she could
ever have imagined.

Then again… why on God’s green earth would she ever have imagined a
cinnamon-skinned, giant of a man, with gold eyes?Oh yeah, and add that he spoke some French dialect of German.

An unsettling thought gnawed at her in spite of her reluctance to acknowledge it; maybe she wasn’t
even on God’s green earth."

Hmmm, "French dialect of German". He must be from Alsace. ;-) This brought a smile to my face: "the last syllable pronounced like he was clearing his throat". Have heard something similar from hubby. LOL Intriguing story and I would love to know where exactly Marissa is.

:-) I love it! You and Ian ^above have commented on that line--which is rather reassuring to me. I'll be curious what Dana has to say if she makes it this far in her rounds. :-) lol--I wonder if anyone would pick up on the name is I tried to manipulate the word, "Alsace" for where he's from--far away, across the night sky?? ;-)

You've created a great visual! I thought it might be fun though, if she thought he was French, not from the sound of his voice, but perhaps by the way he carried himself - his posture or an attitude on his face. I will need to know where she is, so I look forward to more!

"What jumps out at you - good or bad" this is a great question to start a critique session! :)

The good: "Funny how the mind meanders in the downtime of even the most bizarre situations." This was my favorite line, it had voice, showed some of her character, and was very relatable to your readers, which in turn draws us in. Nice work :)

The "bad": It's a WIP, so I know there's some weeding to do in the garden of edits - and this passage could use some tightening...1 jumping out at me is easy: I'd cut the "so" in "hungry, thirsty, and so tired."

What stuck out to me was the French dialect of German. I thought that was odd. If he's speaking French with a German accent, or German with a French accent I understand. But a dialect is an off shoot of the root language. Isn't it? Not an expert, so could be wrong.

I like how she ponders who the man is and where he's from. The French dialect of German was amusing, as it showed her confusion really well. For me, the comment at the end about her not imagination that she wasn't on earth anymore tripped me out of the third person point of view, into an omniscient one, which I found a little jarring. Was this the intension?

Yes, indeed, Clare. I was remiss in not including in the set up that this is the end of a chapter, and at the end of each, the narrator's voice emerges and gives a hint to the reader, often foreboding, generally forewarning.

My jury can still be swayed. Beta readers liked it and said it kept them turning pages.

I'm just the blind writer who has been working on this one since 2005 and can no longer see it. If that makes sense?

I'm new to your postings, so the initial quotes confused me. I thought she was speaking, but you'd forgotten the end quote. Then, at the end, I realized you put quotes around the whole passage. After that, pretty smooth reading.

Great internalization. Says as much about her as it does about him, maybe more. Great job!

This snippet is lacking in predator detail. She's seen them close enough that she realizes she's never seen them before. But it hasn't quite sunk in yet that she isn't on earth, and that's why she doesn't know what the predators are.

Thanks, Kate! Yeah, me too. I've had times when I caught myself doing it. Do you think it might be a survival strategy when confronted with something we can't comprehend. That simple logic can't make sensible? I think we manage stress in this manner. :-)

Her thoughts about his accent were interesting - but the last sentence seemed to jump out of her thoughts, into an omniscient view i.e. the author telling the reader something the character doesn't actually know.

I love the sense of mystery! If I were to change anything, I'd delete the sentence that starts "Funny how..." Or maybe move it somewhere else. I feel like it doesn't quite belong there, like it's interrupting her train of thought...

Reesie, your excerpt made me smile. Thank you, I needed that after that odyssey today! :) And in fact, I do know some French sounding dialect talking Germans, so that notion is really not that far-fetched! Here in Germany we call them Saarländer But in all seriousness, I always do enjoy your character's way of reflecting. Very well done!

I liked her thought processes, but the final line is in Omniscient POV, not really hers at all. You might want to change it so it's something she realizes in just a bit. I really like her trying to figure it out. Nicely done, Teresa.