A sweet aroma blew through the gentle grasses. Pokémon jumped around playfully in the breeze, bumping into each other and bursting into quiet laughter. Food was in abundance, and water was pure. Smaller Pokémon, land or water, would playfully enjoy their youth, whereas bigger Pokémon discussed problems and the most righteous ways to solve them. All was well.

Then one day, the soft winds turned into brisk gales. Sunkern and Hoppip were growing cold and dying off. Water was freezing and so land Pokémon grew thirsty. The winds hardened the ground and underground Pokémon had to work harder to survive. Even with all this all the Pokémon worked together as well as they could, protecting each other, sharing food, giving proper send-offs, and staying more-or-less OK.

After many days of blasts of icy gusts, more plants and even more Pokémon died, and elders were getting desperate. Grass was scarce, dirt had become almost rock, and the icy waters had frozen almost fully. Just when almost all Pokémon were about to let themselves go, a bright flash of green light appeared, momentarily rejuvenating them. It flashed again, and seemed to be descending. While it descended it shrunk as the winter seemed to rest, until finally the green sphere had descended into onto the water, floating. The meadow had regained it's regular state, minus tens of Pokémon, a few fruit trees and less grass. All still intrigued by the strange glowing object, they huddled around the lake, with the Barboach and Magikarp already swimming around it in curiosity.

It was a bright beige with many spots. What seemed to have saved them, was an egg.

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The Meadow's EndA new revived fanfic by me Come on and read its recent chapters! I'm motivated to continue if others are to read it~

Pokemon Diamond:Name: QuincyFC: 4553-8854-9459

The Rating Centre CAN'T be dead... can it??

Sat Dec 08, 2007 12:13 pm

The Obsidian Wolf

Pokemon Master

Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 amPosts: 1559Location: Dragon's Den

I actually wondered if I should bother looking in here, but your style really has changed, and for the better. That's a really intruiging beginning, especially since you've conveyed the lovely scene to what it has become. I'm guessing the egg will be Shaymin, because of the whole floral theme, or perhaps Celebi, but I'm making no permanent guesses.

Yay! My first comment, and it's positive! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now a few months old, the thoughtful and curious Turtwig trotted through acres of grass. The plant-life had re-grown, and populations of Pokémon were more-or-less restored. He knew his mysterious origins, but he simply dimissed them as another peril to be surpassed before being born. He continued exploring his new home as wonderful scents drifted lazily once more.

The elders of the Flower Meadow, Roserade, Flygon and Whiscash, represented the land, air and the water respectively, and the Pokémon that spent their lives there. No one knew how they became so almighty and colossal, but they knew that certain potential was needed.

That day, they were revising on what they knew from ancient knowledge. They were very unsure on from where or why the egg came to be. However, they knew that the sudden blizzard was a bad sign, as most of the Pokémon could not survive another blast of cold.

They decided that, the Pokémon was special in a certain way, unknownst to mind and even heart. It was a normal Pokémon, and yet would surpass all before him when tried against a hidden goal. This would be known to the elders alone, as they knew that Turtwig would have to find out for himself to uncover his harrowing destiny.

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The Meadow's EndA new revived fanfic by me Come on and read its recent chapters! I'm motivated to continue if others are to read it~

elite42, you really managed to make one decent fiction! I'm proud of you.

Just like dunsparce said, it would have been better if you include the time when the Egg hatched into a turtwig, I mean, a miracle occured when it appeared... it should have been special when it came to hatch.

Since the story is just starting, I have little to say. The only thing I'd like to point out, is that you should make longer installments

Go on with this, kid. I'm liking this lots.

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AABM's

"Team Seekers"

"I'm perhaps the least typical Ledian user you'll ever get to see in the whole OU" - AABM.

Hm. I understood why it was in italics, I thought it was quite obvious.
I also like that you didn't actually say when the egg hatched. I've read a few published, successful stories in which a time-jump occurs, even when an important event happened in the time that passed.
I like this so far. It reminds me of one I read years ago (in a book) about a deer or something... Well, I don't quite remember it but I know I thought it was good.

You know, when I saw you were writing this, I decided against reading this. Then I read it, figuring I could tell you to drastically improve your writing. Thankfully, none was nessesary.

But nobody's perfect.

Quote:

Then one day, the soft winds turned into brisk gales.

I don't even know what a gale is. Use a simpiler word.

Quote:

... and staying more-or-less OK.

Using a slang word like "OK" isn't good. Say "alright" or another word with a similar meaning.

Quote:

After many days of blasts of icy gusts...

Reading it over again, that sentance makes sense, but you should probably say something like "After many days of icy gusts..." leaving out the word "blast" so it makes more sense.

Quote:

The meadow had regained it's regular state, minus tens of Pokémon, a few fruit trees and less grass.

That phrase is a tad unclear. it isn't that bad, though.

Moving on to chapter 1!

Quote:

The elders of the Flower Meadow, Roserade, Flygon and Whiscash, represented the land, air and the water respectively, and the Pokémon that spent their lives there.

One thing you should try and avoid is "Comma-ish" sentances. When commas are used many times in a sentance for various purposes, they jumble up the sentance and make it unclear. I'm being very picky, I know, but keep in mind I just want to help you make your writing really good. Consider breaking up sentances like this into two.

Quote:

...they knew that certain potential was needed.

...what?

Quote:

They decided that, the Pokémon was special in a certain way, unknownst to mind and even heart. It was a normal Pokémon, and yet would surpass all before him when tried against a hidden goal.

I would advise removing the comma and putting their exact words in quotation marks instead of italizing their words.

They decided that, the Pokémon was special in a certain way, unknownst to mind and even heart. It was a normal Pokémon, and yet would surpass all before him when tried against a hidden goal.

I would advise removing the comma and putting their exact words in quotation marks instead of italizing their words.

I understand what you mean but having speech marks implies they're saying this when they aren't. No one in particular is speaking, it's just what "the elders" think.

(As "the elders" is a name, the 'e' should probably be a capital letter rather than lower case.)

Thunder_dude7 wrote:

Quote:

The elders of the Flower Meadow, Roserade, Flygon and Whiscash, represented the land, air and the water respectively, and the Pokémon that spent their lives there.

One thing you should try and avoid is "Comma-ish" sentances. When commas are used many times in a sentance for various purposes, they jumble up the sentance and make it unclear. I'm being very picky, I know, but keep in mind I just want to help you make your writing really good. Consider breaking up sentances like this into two.

I agree with this. You're telling people who "the elders" are, elite42, so instead of a comma you could use a hyphen. For example:

elite42 wrote:

The elders of the Flower Meadow - Roserade, Flygon and Whiscash - represented the land, air and the water respectively, and the Pokémon that spent their lives there.

Or brackets:

elite42 wrote:

The elders of the Flower Meadow (Roserade, Flygon and Whiscash) represented the land, air and the water respectively, and the Pokémon that spent their lives there.

Etc.

Thunder_dude7 wrote:

Using a slang word like "OK" isn't good. Say "alright" or another word with a similar meaning.

Again I agree but "alright" is actually two words, ("all right"). Many people don't know this anymore although in most published novels I've read it's correct.

"Gale" is a pretty simple word thunder_dude, just because you don't know it doesn't meant that he should change it.

OK is fine to use in stories. You just need to spell it differently in the phrase you used it in. O-k-a-y . "OK" is more of something a character would say in phrases like, "OK, here's the plan." and etc.

"Alright" can be used in either cases, but it just doesn't fit as well as "okay" or "OK" sometimes.

I have not read all of the Redwall series, nor do I plan to. So I have no idea what you mean. But whatever, do what you gotta do.

You could also try to smooth it out a bit. The flow seems kind of jumpy. But maybe that's just because of the little egg issue.

Turtwig imagined himself as the brave spelunker-to-be, exploring charted lands for discovered treasure. He found the Flower Meadow to be a very quaint place, and Pokémon seldom argued. Sometimes big Pokémon bullied the petit ones, but they would just gang up on the bully to beat it up, eventually concluding with everyone rolling on the lush grass, full of wounds and laughter.

Having a taboo been spread by the Elders to never speak of the sudden blizzard again unless in times of chronicle, Turtwig felt that the perfectness of this utopia seemed almost surreal. He also, for some reason, that the Elder's vast size and power seemed almost natural.

Returning to his pretend adventure, he trekked through many flowers and grasses. Eventually, one of his feet felt an indent in the floor. It was roundish, with a line path protruding from the top, two pebbles adjacent in the centre, and a jagged shape near the bottom. Realizing it was his face, he backed away with awkward quickness, tripping over an unfortunate Budew.

Squinting open his eyes in jolted pain, he glanced murderously at the Budew, and used the momentum of his swinging head to right himself. He immediately caught site of why he tripped over the bud Pokémon: the Budew's winded bud was smaller and had ruptured, with a group of (what looked like) spikes jutting out.

Elder Whiscash, having the uncanny power to see and foresee random events, quickly began thinking hard of what he'd just seen.

_________________

The Meadow's EndA new revived fanfic by me Come on and read its recent chapters! I'm motivated to continue if others are to read it~

Whoops, my bad. I wasn't saying he should remove the parenthetical phrase, I was just pointing out why the sentence was grammatically incorrect. As for the missing word, I think it should be "thought" rather then "found", because it is his opinion that their poewr is natural. You never find out an opinion as if it were a fact.

Because "Spelunker-to-be" is not a propper noun, that sentence would be grammatically incorrect. If, for example, Turtwig were imagining himself as "the great Jack Sparrow", it would be correct. But because there is more then 1 spelunker in the world, he couldn't be "the spelunker", he would be "A spelunker".

He also, for some reason, that the Elder's vast size and power seemed almost natural.

Look at that. In this case, the phrase between the commas ca be deleted...

Quote:

He also that the Elder's vast size and power seemed almost natural.

Which doesn't make any sense.

Neither does the first sentence if we're pointing out things that don't make sense; you forgot to pick up on that one .
Even without the ",for some reason," (which doesn't have to be there but doesn't do the story any harm and if the Pokemon doesn't know the reason then "for some reason" can be thrown in, it's up to the author :S), it doesn't make sense.
The main problem, elite42, is that you need to check and re-check your work for words that may have been missed out.
By the way, Thunder_dude7, if you want sentences to make complete sense then you should check your own posts as well as other peoples' .

_________________Mmkay.

Tue Dec 11, 2007 12:12 pm

Crimson

Pokemon Ranger

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pmPosts: 716Location: USA EST

You don't need to have a proper noun for it to be the subject of a sentece.

See Spot run.

The subject of that sentence is actually an understood "you." It's not a proper noun.

And, it can be "the spelunker-to-be" because it's talking about a specific one, the "great" one. Even though there are more than one spelunker's out there, we're only concerned with one.

I didn't say it was because it had to be a proper noun. I said that because there are many great spelunkers, you can't be "the great spelunker", just like you can't be "the great author" because there are others.

In your example, the sentence is condensed. Look:

Quote:

I just had to focus and do what I did best. If I did that, I knew I would be the winner of the race.

Obviously, there would be only one winner of the race. My example was exactly the same as his.

"The great author" is the same formatting as "the great spelunker".

_________________

Tue Dec 11, 2007 4:14 pm

Crimson

Pokemon Ranger

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pmPosts: 716Location: USA EST

Whoops you're right. That's what I get for skimming. XD Sorry about that.

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