If you pulled out every joke found in "The Longest Yard" that has to do with poop, piss, flatulence, penises & testicles, obesity, and stupidity, you'd still have litany of women-hating and gay-bashing material. Subtract those moments and you'd have a 13-minute block of poorly lensed football footage capped off by the end credits.

Of course nobody is expecting anything resembling High Art from a slobby football comedy like The Longest Yard. Based on a considerably more entertaining Burt Reynolds comedy from 1974, this loud and obnoxious remake sets its sights remarkably low ... and still manages to miss the mark with alarming consistency.

Adam Sandler is a former NFL quarterback who was forced to retire in shame after being accused of fixing games. As the movie opens, Sandler is being mercilessly berated by a busty shrew played by Courteney Cox. So Sandler steals her expensive car, causes a huge ruckus, and winds up in the slammer. Conveniently enough, it's a prison in which a lot of football is played. So when Sandler gets the opportunity to coach a squad of vicious convicts against a team made up entirely of prison guards ... well, let's just say you know precisely where The Longest Yard is headed.

But does the journey have to be laden with so many awful jokes?

Hey look, that stupid Italian guy is so fat he looks like he could explode at any time! Let's be sure to show that fat guy at least 23 times throughout the movie. Nothing's funnier than a dangerously obese slob! Oh, and let's be sure to have someone get kicked or punched in the nuts at least every 8.5 minutes. That stuff is comedy gold. And since lead goofball Adam Sandler doesn't even seem remotely interested in carrying something as heavy as a punch-line in this movie, let's make sure we have a keening crew of "prison-bitch" homosexuals that we can snigger at. This stuff just never gets old! And in between all the dick jokes and fart noises, let's find a way to include a disgusting old slut of a woman that we can mock and humiliate.

Frankly the stink of the "funny stuff" in The Longest Yard might have you reaching for the nearest bar of soap, but of course this stuff is just good ol' PG-13 family fun! Yuck.

Yep, it's the same old formula for the ever-reliable Adam Sandler. Make sure you keep the comedy material focused well below the Lowest Common Denominator Threshold, because nothing sells overseas like the good old poop joke. The Longest Yard lurches from scene to scene, listlessly depositing its "business" all over the screen with little rhyme or reason. And whenever a gag fails to hit its mark (which is often), the camera simply settles upon a shrieking homosexual, a muscle-bound idiot who makes funny faces, or that obese Italian guy who sure is amazingly fat.

And I think I speak for just about everyone in the moviegoing universe when I beg and plead: no more Chris Rock. Please. Not in movies. Not in any sort of situation in which the man is required to memorize and recite lines of dialogue. I'll be the first to scream from the hills that Chris Rock is a drop-dead brilliant stand-up comedian. He absolutely is. But watching the guy as he trys to act ... it's painful. Torturous, even. The guy recites dialogue as if he's reading a list of groceries. In Latin.

Director Peter Segal has made a career out of plumbing the worst sort of comedic dreck. Clearly his work on The Klumps was enough to show the world that Peter Segal loves doody jokes. In fact, I'll go on record as calling Peter Segal the David Lean of Farts & Feces. Good job, Pete. Yeah, who needs talented actors like Burt Reynolds, Bill Fichtner, and James Cromwell when you can just hit someone in the crotch for 105 minutes?

But perhaps it's unfair to blame Mr. Segal for this sort of generic sewer humor. The guy's been Adam Sandler's director monkey for three consecutive movies now (following Anger Management & 50 First Dates), and all of those movies have yielded huge lumps of cash simply by pandering shamelessly to the booger-eaters of the universe. The Longest Yard is precisely as bad as those films are, which means that Sandler fans the world over can shake their fist at me -- while everyone else has a grand old time. Frankly I think Adam Sandler has a whole lot more to offer than this sort of dingleberry material, but the guy's made a trillion dollars off of the poop jokes, so who really cares what I think?

"The Longest Yard" offers a slight handful of minor chuckles here and there, but those brief moments of levity are crushed under the weight of middle-school comedy material that's as gross and stupid as it is desperately played-out. And if an actual "football movie" is what you're after -- just stick with the 1974 original.