[music]
[growling tiger]
Hello. I'm Charlie
Sheen, and this
Charlie Sheen: is Charlie Sheen's
winning recipes.
Charlie Sheen: Yes, I'm doing a
cooking show. Why?
Charlie Sheen: Because, if you
haven't noticed,
Charlie Sheen: I'm winning television
right now.
Charlie Sheen: My plan is to be the
first person to
Charlie Sheen: have made an appearance
on every television
Charlie Sheen: network, just like I
was the first
Charlie Sheen: person to get 1
million twitter
Charlie Sheen: followers in 24 hrs,
[jaguar growling]
Charlie Sheen: like I was the
Charlie Sheen: first to build a
rocket ship to
Charlie Sheen: Cassiopeia using only
my mind tools.
Charlie Sheen: Here I come, food
network.
[swoosh]
Charlie Sheen: Face it, I am living
the life of a
Charlie Sheen: rock star Vatican
assassin, and if
Charlie Sheen: you eat like me, you
can be like me.
Charlie Sheen: If you aren't thinking
about what
Charlie Sheen: you're putting into your
body, plan better.
Charlie Sheen: The first decision
you have to make is
Charlie Sheen: which kitchen to use.
The indoor
Charlie Sheen: kitchen, so it's in
the "comfort zone",
Charlie Sheen: or the outdoor
kitchen, because
Charlie Sheen: the spirits of my
Adonis ancestors can
Charlie Sheen: fly above me and breathe
fire onto the meal?
[beam]
Charlie Sheen: Outdoor wins. I just
teleported myself here.
[beam]
Charlie Sheen: I did it again.
Charlie Sheen: Now that you're in
the right kitchen,
Charlie Sheen: you need to have
the right tools.
Charlie Sheen: This is not a spatula.
It's a cooking wand for a warlock!
Charlie Sheen: This is not a bowl.
It is a cauldron of awesomeness.
[music]
Charlie Sheen: All green things
must die.
Charlie Sheen: I'm going to start off
by making a salad.
Charlie Sheen: I got this tomato
from my garden.
Charlie Sheen: I grew this. My
fingertips radiate
Charlie Sheen: sunshine, and I water
them with the
Charlie Sheen: tears of a jaguar.
[jaguar growling]
Charlie Sheen: I will rinse off any
nymphs or demons
Charlie Sheen: that got on it while
in my garden.
Charlie Sheen: Salad is done. Some
troll is going to
Charlie Sheen: say, "That's not a salad."
Oh really?
Charlie Sheen: Looks like a tomato
winning salad to me.
Charlie Sheen: This won't be a
kosher meal, not
Charlie Sheen: because I'm anti-semitic,
but because
Charlie Sheen: my tiger blood
needs meat.
Charlie Sheen: I killed this
cow myself.
Charlie Sheen: Winners stalk and kill
their own food
Charlie Sheen: without earthly
weapons.
Charlie Sheen: I'm not some mouth
breather in a
Charlie Sheen: drive-thru gorging my
pie hole on mass
Charlie Sheen: produced monkey grub.
My body's a lock
Charlie Sheen: box of diamonds,
uranium, and
Charlie Sheen: assassin nobility.
Charlie Sheen: Best way to
cook a steak...
Charlie Sheen: is with moderate
to intense
Charlie Sheen: observation.
[bell rings]
Charlie Sheen: Duh! Winning!
Steak is done.
Charlie Sheen: There's only one thing
you can drink
Charlie Sheen: with a meal
like this.
Charlie Sheen: No wine in Silver
Valley lodge.
Charlie Sheen: This is tea made from
ground dinosaur fossils.
Charlie Sheen: Now for a couple more
finishing touches.
[classical music plays]
Charlie Sheen: I don't cook food,
I will it.
[inaudible]
Charlie Sheen: My hands are rated
by zagats.
Charlie Sheen: Who am I?
Charlie Sheen: Now garnish it with
a secret ingredient.
Charlie Sheen: Charlie Sheen.
[laser]
Charlie Sheen: Mmmm...tastes like winning.
Charlie Sheen: (Voiceover) Warning! The taste
of Charlie Sheen
Charlie Sheen: (Voiceover) has the potential
to cause your soul
Charlie Sheen: (Voiceover) to weep
and forfeit.