Thursday, July 30, 2009

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their sweet and supportive comments in response to my Big Ball Of Crazy. Writing about this was a positive and therapeutic experience - which I guess is a step in the right direction.

But putting all that intensely personal stuff out there for public consumption has drained me a little - so I'm going to take a couple of days off from blogging and recharge my batteries. I don't really have any plans, but some time off will allow me to clear my head. And who knows, maybe I'll do a little walking (thanks Bob).

The new season of America's Best Dance Crew premieres August 9th on MTV - and for the first time there will be an openly gay crew - Vogue Evolution - from NYC.

I have blogged many times about my love of Vogueing (Paris Is Burning truly changed my life) - so watching these "children" WORKING IT THE F*CK OUT makes me smile. Plus, during that short video they sampled two of my favorites - Deee-Lite AND Armand Van Helden's 1990's dance floor hit - Witch Doktor!

I know it’s been a while since I blogged about ME – and this has been purposeful. I have been trying to stay away from the bitching and moaning in an effort to give you a more enjoyable DavidDust experience. No one needs to hear about the Big Ball of Crazy I carry around while living my life.

But a few of you have emailed me to check in – wanting to know how I was doing. One of you even wrote that you liked the “Chubby Talk” (weigh-ins, etc) I used to do. So, for those of you who come to DavidDust strictly for entertainment purposes, you may want to go ahead and skip this post. Warning: SELF-INDULGENT WHINING AHEAD – and plenty of Chubby Talk.

So here it is - my Big Ball of Crazy…

As far as diet and exercise go, I’ve been doing HORRIBLY. I know many of you will say “OK, hit the reset button and get back on track!” – and I know that’s what I should do. But I don't do it – and I'm not sure why.

I actually have no motivation any more to lose weight – I’ve almost given up. So I eat. A lot. Sometimes abusively. And I’ve never been fatter. Motivations like “you’ll be healthier and feel better!” just don’t work for me - especially when stacked up against – “yeah, but a Big Mac would taste SO good and I’m really hungry!”.

I guess what it all boils down to is self-esteem – I have none. When I look in the mirror, I don’t like what I see. Worse, I’m disgusted and ashamed by what I see – no exaggeration. And this influences everything I do and every thought in my head – ALL THE TIME. Furthermore – I am not one of those “I’m Big And Beautiful” people. That would require a level of self-esteem which I do not posses. And these negative feelings I have toward myself only make me want to eat more in an effort to “feel better”. Hello, Vicious Circle? My name is David - pleased to meet you.

My low self-esteem also affects the way I live my life. When I’m not at work I pretty much spend all of my time in my apartment – even on the weekends. And even though I live in Manhattan, I very rarely do anything other than go to work or run errands. I have no social or dating life whatsoever. And honestly, I don’t think at this point I want one – I just don’t feel up to it. When I get invited someplace, I usually don’t go – for fear of being the fattest Ho there. I know this is wrong (and ridiculous), but it is my truth.

You might not understand how I could be this way – but the (good) habits many of you display are equally foreign to ME. I don’t understand how people go to the gym regularly. I just don’t get it. There is absolutely nothing enjoyable about a trip to the gym for me. It’s like torture, and I try to avoid torture at all costs. So when I read about how many of you go to the gym regularly, my reaction is “WTF?”, the same way many of you are reacting right now while reading this. My brain knows that in the long term going to the gym is beneficial. But RIGHT NOW going to the gym will be horrible, and I like to avoid horrible when possible.

Furthermore, I have absolutely no self-control. None. One little slip on my diet, and it’s an excuse to stuff my face all day. Seriously, ONE onion ring on a Friday afternoon can start a weekend-long eating frenzy. And that’s not hypothetical – this has actually happened more than once. And after a binge, I literally have to throw the remaining “bad” food away if I want to get back on track. Because if it’s in my apartment, I will eat it.

I know I should talk to a professional about my Big Ball of Crazy. But I don’t think my insurance covers “insanity”, and I am too chickenshit to enter a doctor’s office anyway. I hate going to the doctor even more than going to the gym – especially when he’s going to bitch and moan about how fat I am. And Overeater’s Anonymous? Out of the question. It’s one thing to blog about my Big Ball of Crazy – but to actually discuss it in front of strangers? I don't think so...

Nothing has motivated me recently to change. Nothing. And I know some of you will leave encouraging and supportive comments, because you care about me. And you know what I’ll think to myself? … I’ll get a little bit angry. Not angry at you, but angry at myself for not sharing your positive feelings toward myself. I know – WTF?!? – bitch is KRAY-ZIE!!!

So, there it is ... my GIGANTIC Ball of Crazy. Aren't you glad you asked?!? :)

UPDATE: A few days after I posted this, I visited my doctor who prescribed me an antidepressant. After just a few days I am feeling SO much better, and my big ball of crazy seems to be getting smaller and smaller...

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Top Chef Masters continues on Bravo tonight with the 6 winners of the previous shows. Check out some preview videos HERE.

I certainly hope Art Smith brings wins this for The Gays. But in all honesty, I would be happy with any of the six - EXCEPT that smarmy Michael Chiarello. Sorry - but he has all the charm of an empty toolbox for me.

FYI: I will probably NOT be recapping this episode - I have some things to do this evening. If you missed my recap from last week - go HERE.

I must admit, I've never seen an entire Tyler Perry movie in one sitting, but I will definitely go see I Can Do Bad All By Myself. One of my favorite Divas (Mary J. Blige) appearing with one of my favorite Papi's (CSI Miami'sAdam Rodriguez) - not to mention hottie Brian White and the legendary Gladys Knight! I am SO there.

Thanks to the fabulous Kitty Bradshaw for making me aware of this movie.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I know many people don't like them, but I LOVE the LOLCats from I Can Has Cheezburger. So when I found out that there is an off-off-Broadway Musical ("MusicLOL") version premiering next month as part of the NYC Fringe Festival - I had to buy a ticket.

It turns out that Fringe Festival tickets are only $15 - and I Can Has Cheezburger - The MusicLOL is playing only a block away from my job. So I'll be there on Tuesday, August 18, LOLing my butt off...

For more information on I Can Has Cheezburger - The MusicLOL, visit their blog HERE.

According to Blogging Project Runway, Jack Mackenroth has been kicking ass at the 2009 Outgames in Copenhagen. So far he has won a bronze and two silver medals in the swimming competitions. Congratulations Jack!

Let's hope Jack doesn't have a wardrobe malfunction like swimmer Ricky Berens. Actually, I bet there are quite a few people hoping he DOES :)

I am NOT a Monday person. I even postpone going to bed on Sunday night because I know when I'll wake up it'll be Monday morning and time to go to work.

But this week started off a little differently. Waiting for me on my desk on Monday morning was a care package from my girl Kailyn, who lives in the Bay Area. In the box she included a very sweet note, some organic Strawberry Jam, and artist-produced notecards from her recent trip to Filoli (the "Dynasty Mansion"). I was delighted to get a little breath of fresh California air on a dreary NYC Monday morning. Thanks, K!

These items were procured during her recent travels, which Kailyn blogs about (among other things) at Kailyn's Creations - take a look when you get a chance. I also recommend that you check back in a couple of weeks when The Mistress Maddie makes her first visit to Kailyn and the San Francisco area. And don't worry, if there are any earthquakes during that time, it's probably just a drunken Maddie dropping her extra-large glass of Gin!

Ok people, this is going to be (relatively) short and sweet. Even though last night’s episode of Design Star was the dreaded Kitchen Challenge®, there was surprisingly little drama. So let's get going...

It’s morning in Hollyweird, and Clive informs the Designtestants that they’ll be splitting into two teams. Amy (random white girl), and Nathan (no longer “ambiguously gay” – now “gay gay gay!”) pick the paint cans with the gold stars and will be the Team Leaders.

The Team Leaders get to pick their teammates “playground style”. FYI: “playground style” does NOT mean they get to throw a big rubber ball at people’s faces. That is called “dodgeball”, the game that has given little gay boys nightmares since the invention of school recess. They didn't call it "Smear The Queer" for nothing...

Amy gets first pick but passes over Antonio (who has madd carpentry skillz) and picks Dan (who is also gay, gay gay). Amy then picks Jany (who?), Lonni (yet another random white girl), and Tashica – who almost got sent home last week. For now, let’s call them Team Four Gals And A Gay.

Nate’s team consists of Antonio, Jen (the fancy “Color Designer”), TresGay Jason, and Torie – who gets picked last. Let’s call them Team Two Gays One Gal And Tattoos.

After teams are selected, Clive informs the designers that they will be doing kitchens this week. Eyes roll and people start getting nervous. They will have $20,000 plus appliances from Sears and flooring from Lumber Liquidators to get the job done.

Each team goes out to meet the family and see their spaces. Team Two Gays, Etc. meets the Boucher family. The Bouchers like Moroccan and Italian themes and they spend a lot of time in their kitchen. Team Four Gals, Etc. meets the Johnson family – who likes to entertain in their kitchen and would like a place for their wine collection.

Time begins, and the teams get busy. On Team Amy, Dan – who seems like a really nice guy – can’t help but get frustrated with Tashica’s well-intentioned dumbassery. The very first thing Tashica does is drop the families’ wine while trying to clear the kitchen. Dan remarks later that “Tashica is … AGHHHHHHHH!”. That’s nice gay guy code for “I would like to cut her, if you don’t mind”.

Various members of various teams go cabinet shopping (team "leader" Amy had a hard time deciding what to pick), and go to Sears to pick out appliances. Back at the homes, the remaining designers demolish the two kitchens to make way for all the new stuff. Uber-Gay Jason, in particular, seems to LOVE swinging that sledge hammer and destroying the old kitchen. Working out some past dodgeball-related issues, perhaps?!?

Amy and Jany return from cabinet shopping, and it soon becomes apparent that Amy is an emotional wreck. It fact, poor Dan has to give her a hug approximately every fifteen minutes just to keep her from throwing herself onto a circular saw. If Dan wasn’t gay before, he is certainly a non-woman-loving Queen now. Day 1 is now over.

The next day begins, and Nate and Antonio butt heads regarding their kitchen design. Antonio calls Nathan a “sweet dude” but he’s “clueless”. Translation: “That little Queen is on my last tattooed nerve and I will squash him like a gay ladybug (redundant?) if he gets in my way”.

Over at Team I Need A Hug, poor Dan is doing all the heavy lifting. Amy and Tashica finally screw in ONE screw, and erupt into a chorus of squeals and high fives. Patient Dan congratulates them on their successful screwing, but then shows them how uneven their countertop is. The squealing and high-fiving quickly ends – as does their screwing.

Jany (for Team Estrogen) and Torie (for Team Gay Estrogen Plus Antonio) go shopping for backsplashes. Torie selects a metallic vinyl floor tile that should look great and will be easy to install. Jany, who obviously never watched Design Star before, decides to do a TILE backsplash. Tile backsplashes on Design Star is the equivalent of menswear on Project Runway and/or dessert on Top Chef – they should be avoided at all cost.

The Gays from Team Nathan (Nate and Gayson) decide that they will do what Gays do - go shopping – instead of installing the microwave like they were supposed to. Let that big, burly Antonio take care of the microwave, these boys have tchotchkes to shop for! After all, gayshopping is …

When the Gays finally return, loaded up with decorative loaves of bread, Moroccan vases, and a Buddha (?) – Antonio is mad. Even Gayson’s cheerful “Hey Girl, Hey!!” doesn’t cut the tension. Antonio is pissed that the Gays couldn’t install the microwave – and left it for him to do. Tough titties, Straighty – when The Mall calls, the Gays must answer.

Over at Team Dan Hates Women, they have sent Tashica shopping for accessories. Certainly she can’t screw that up, can she? Tashica leisurely does her thing, and then panics when she finds out that she's behind schedule. Yep, she screwed it up. Day 2 ends.

That evening, back at Casa de Design, Antonio remarks that even though he must work with compulsive shopper Gays, he’s glad he’s not on the other team. “They’re too busy holding hands and loving each other”, he says. Antonio must have missed the fact that sweet Dan would like to "accidentally" run a powerdrill between Tashica’s eyeballs.

It’s now the final day – Day 3 – and they have four hours to pull their kitchens together. Over at Team They’re So Gonna Win, Jason needs to mount the “under-counter piece” (AKA “Nathan”) and Torie is kicking ass on the gorgeous backsplash. They are so far ahead of the game, that Antonio has time to vacuum out the kitchen cabinet drawers.

Over at Team I Need A Hug, there are big problems – and no one has time to vacuum any drawers. The counter measurements weren’t quite right, so the granite countertops have seams. And in the non-surprise of the century, Jany can’t get the tile backsplash finished. I’m not sure what Tashica did, but she certainly didn’t get any of her accessories into the room. Amy, unsurprisingly, begins to cry and needs a hug. Go Team Needy!

It’s time for Elimination. The Judges are introduced: Candice Olsen, Vern Yip, and Genevieve Gorder. Side note: HGTV, who I follow on Twatter Twitter, tweeted last night that Vern has to sit on a “sand bag” at the Judge’s table because Candice is 6’ 1”, Genevieve is 5’11” and Vern is only 5’6”. Here is an actual picture of Candice and Vern together ...

Anywhore, the Judges take a look at Team Nathan (Nate, Antonio, Jen, Jason, and Torie). First of all, the room is FINISHED – which is historically 90% of the battle during the Kitchen Challenge. And they love Torie’s backsplash. However, the Judges pretend that Team Nathan might actually lose because they don’t like the color of the room or the choice of accessories. Cough, cough, BULLSHIT, cough, hack, cough. Sorry, I had something stuck in my throat. Besides, the homeowners LOVED it.

It’s time to judge Team Trainwreck (Amy, Dan, Jany, Lonni, Tashica). Team Leader Amy explains that they were going for “Warm Modernism”. What they ended up with was “Death Warmed Over”. As they watched the video (showing broken glass, unfinished granite seams, and no backsplash), the Judges looked like they all of sudden had a bad case of the farts...

Sorry, wrong judges. Anywhoo - Vern remarks that it looked like an earthquake hit the room. Candice asked them if they had ever watched Design Star before – “tile” is a “four-letter word”, she explains. And so are “dumb” and “crap” and “FAIL” – all words that could be used to describe this team’s performance. They show the homeowners – who seem to like their kitchen but they definitely notice the flaws. Clive remarks that a “Fix-It Team” was sent in the finish what they couldn’t. BTW - I need a "Fix-It Team" to come to my apartment and do all the laundry I failed to do over the weekend.

The Judges ask each member ofwho the weakest link was – and everyone says “Tashica”. Tashica thinks that Team Leader Amy was the weakest link, because of her constant tears and need of hugs.

Results time. Dan and Antonio were the defacto leaders of their teams and are safe. Torie, Jason, Lonni, and Jany are also safe. I’m not sure why Jany is safe, since she was the brainiac who insisted on a tile backsplash that never got finished. Jen (the “Color Designer” who has screwed up her colors for two weeks) is also safe, as is Nathan.

Finally, it comes down to Team Needer Leader Amy, and Tashica. The Judges decide that Amy should go home for her lack of leadership. When Tashica enters the waiting room, the other Designers’ mouths drop. Even Tashica can’t believe she survived again. I guess being needy is worse than being a clumsy dumbass.

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