Some days life presents you with a giant pill to swallow. This year has found us trying to swallow some big ones. Certainly, hearing my cancer diagnosis was the biggest. God was so gracious to help us stomach our new reality one moment at a time.

I’m not sure why talking with the surgeon yesterday was so difficult. It’s not as though we heard anything unexpected. But what we heard was very tough. It’s our next step, a step closer to the end of this tough journey. But it’s a daunting one. Hearing the details of my recovery left us both quiet and sad.

We had a great Thanksgiving, but my last chemo the week after the holiday was clouding my joy. Christmas will be much the same with the surgery in the early new year. I was feeling so good, and yesterday has humbled me and left me discouraged. Here are the things I hear myself saying over and over. ”Hard is grace too.” ”Don’t imagine yourself in the future, because that is you without the grace provided for that moment.” ”There is peace for this day, find it.” And I kind of want to tell me to shut up.

Well reader, aren’t I lovely? There is the ugly me. Frustrated, struggling, and not wanting to swallow this big pill. Not really wanting my kids to see me suffering again. But this is the cure, and dear reader, I do want to live. I really do. Pray grace will show up today to help Jason and I swallow this hard pill.