Why Does Club Nintendo Assume We’re Fat?

Christmas came a bit earlier this year at Club Nintendo, as for the first time in forever (don’t let them in, don’t let them see) I got what I was dreaming of. Nintendo finally restocked some actual, real life physical rewards. Lately, Nintendo has been pumping out actual Mario games with more regularity than they have been updating Club Nintendo with physical goodies, so the sudden resurgence of a handful of cool items required me to seek outside confirmation that what I had seen was real. I feared it was nothing more than a beautiful mirage, and when I got close enough to dive into this oasis of rewards it would turn back into sand and Nintendogs novelty bottle caps.

By the way, they’re real. And they’re spectacular. Well maybe spectacular is a bit of an over exaggeration, but when you’ve been deprived as long as we have, even a few drops become the equivalent of the stream from a fire hose. There are not one, but two different 3DS card cases that each come with six different sexy display covers. On top of that, Nintendo is offering a nifty NES Remix 2 shirt that looks so good I’m pretty sure it qualifies as formal attire. If you wear this to a wedding, they legally can’t ask you to leave, and there is at least a 50% chance you will end up marrying the bride instead. Beware the power of the shirt.

I’ve had like 3,000 coins burning a hole in my pocket for the longest time without anything to spend them on. I am a huge fan of many of the exclusive Nintendo series and not a huge fan of ugly garbage, a combination that made me a very rich man in the land of Club Nintendo. If Club Nintendo had a VIP section, I’d be in it and they’d be comping me free bottles of Lon Lon Milk. I jumped at the opportunity to finally spend my coins on something that wasn’t a twenty year old game I already own on six different systems. So I clicked on the shirt and made my way to the ordering section and…

OH COME ON, CLUB NINTENDO. Now you’re just taunting me.

The shirt only comes in sizes Large and Extra-Large, something that leaves Nintendo’s more modestly proportioned fans shirtless and sad. If I wear a large shirt I look like an elementary school kid playing dress up in daddy’s clothes, and an extra-large does me absolutely no good unless I’m trying to quickly make a tent for me and three other of my friends. “Medium?” the store seems to say (for some reason having the accent of an elderly proper British man), “You and I both know that refreshing this page to see the new stock is the only exercise you’ve had for years now. Here, wear these curtains we’ve cut armholes out of for you, FATTY.”

Sure, there are plenty of happy fans here that are taller or heavier or more muscular, but c’mon Nintendo. You’re like ignoring half of your fanbase here. Us smaller guys would like some sweet Nintendo swag too. Can’t we at least get a medium?

Of course, I shouldn’t really be complaining about free stuff. Luckily, since the 3DS cases were equally excellent I snatched one of those up instead. I am still considering putting on an extra twenty pounds over the holidays just so I can fit into one of those shirts, something my physician warns me is “stupid” and “not good for your heart.” Whatever, man. I can always get another heart. That shirt just doesn’t come in medium.

This isn’t even really Nintendo’s fault, as they just doesn’t have the expertise in fashion needed to properly make and market a shirt for all sizes. “Clothing” tends to be all the way at the bottom of items you assume Nintendo might make, right below hanafuda cards and a proper sequel for Earthbound that makes it way stateside. For their benefit, I’ve included a handy size chart in a lingo they might understand so that in the future Nintendo is aware that people come in smaller sizes. Please, Club Nintendo, refer to this next time you decide to put out an awesome shirt: