Thursday, November 8, 2012

Oh, my readers. Last year we held the inaugural costume contest, Awesome Emma won, andhistory was made. This year we had another strong showing, with the eventual victors (as you already know, religious ZWR reader) being a group dressed as characters from the Wizard of Oz ... with Prince. So when I emailed the team spokesman Matt to share the news and offer a guest post I assumed it would be all:

ZWR: "Oh you hey bro congrats good job send something over."

Matt: "Sweet, that's cool and funny here's a quick little post where we say gracias and make a joke and some Prince song title puns (google doc)."

Nope. Instead, donkeyface was all "hahaha thanks Rick here's PART ONE (Editor's Note: Yes, part one) of a somewhat screenplay formatted project that Jill and I penned and it's ostensibly the Wizard of Oz story but set in Kensington and Phillies-themed I'm pretty sure this was L. Frank Baum's initial vision and we introduce Prince in part two plz publish serially kthnxbai."

YES PLEASE. True story, if you click the "Read More" and hit play on Purple Rain at the same time they sync up perfectly...

The Phillies of Oz

PART ONE

Philadelphia, October
2012.

A massive storm rolls
in from the East. A girl, Dorothy, races through the sepia-toned streets on
foot, trying to make it home before the rains come. In her arms she clutches
her stuffed Phanatic doll. She gets to her row home, but finds the door locked.
She starts pounding.

Uncle Charlie: Naw, this ain’t no dang twister. It's a
doggone typhoon. A typhoon sandstorm, or somethin' they was callin’ it on the
weather news. Now when I was in Japan once this ol’ typhoon came through, you
know, and it blustered us up real good, uh…

Uncle Charlie’s ramble
is cut short as the row home is ripped into the air in a magnificent series of
special effects. It’s really harrowing and awesome. Eventually it lands with a
thud. Dorothy peeks out her head from beneath her 2007 Chase Utley giveaway
blanket [1].
The house seems empty. Judging by the duration of her flight, she’s expecting
to be maybe in Fishtown. Instead, as she pushes open the door… she is greeted
by colors like she’s never seen before. She steps out in amazement,
inexplicably carrying her toy Phanatic in a basket.

Dorothy: What is this? Where am I? Is this the Piazza? Oh,
Phanatic… I don’t think we’re in Kensington any more…

A glowing orb wearing
a puffy pink Kangol hat tinkles in from off-screen. A familiar voice calls out
gently:

Orb:Are you a
good witch – er, I mean, are you a Phils fan, or a Mets fan?

Dorothy:Huh?

Orb:Are you a
Phils fan, or a Mets fan?

Dorothy:Sarge? Is
that you? I love the Phillies. And Mets fans smell like hoagies.

The laughter of a
thousand unseen little people bursts from the bushes.

Dorothy: What? Who was that?

Sarge (who is no longer an orb, and is now wearing a puffy
pink prom dress and carrying a star-tipped want): Why, Dorothy, that’s just the
Phillies fans laughing, because Mets fans do
smell like hoagies! (calling out to the hiding fans) It’s okay, Phans,
she’s one of us!

And from the bushes
step a motley conglomerate of Phillies fans, each faction of which proceeds to
introduce themselves in song. The Casual Phans, the Michael Jack Schmidt
Society, the Bandwagon Guild, Sal’s Pals - all are there in beauteous harmony.
After a lot of singing, Dorothy learns that her row home landed atop the Wicked
Beard of the NL East –Jayson Werth – and that she’s being heralded as a folk
hero by the locals, who shower her in gifts of crabby fries and craft beer.

Suddenly, an ominous
cloud of black and orange smoke spews forth from a crack in the ground. And a
terrifying figure appears… the Wicked Beard of the NL West…

Dorothy: Brian Wilson?! But you didn’t even play this year!

BW (cackling): I know! But that doesn’t mean I’m any more
popular with Phillies fans! (more cackling)

Dorothy: Ugh your beard is even worse in person! And you
reek of shoe polish!

BW (more cackling)

Dorothy: Gross! It's making my eyes water seriously how do
you live with that thing stuck to your face?

Dorothy: He's a rare bird! From the Galapagos Islands! And
he's the only thing that loves the Phillies more than me! (starts sobbing) You
leave us alone! You and your stinky beard!

Brian Wilson continues
to laugh maniacally as he disappears into another cloud of black and orange
smoke. Only the lingering acrid tang of shoe polish remains. Sarge and the
Phans gather around her. Sarge puts an arm around her shoulder.

Sarge: There, there, Dorothy. What's wrong?

Dorothy: I just... I just want to go... see home runs!

Sarge: Home runs?

Dorothy: Yes. Home runs!
Remember home runs? Remember when Ryan Howard would hit a billion of them
in a season, except he wouldn't start until like June and you'd be like
"WOW what if he did that ALL SEASON LONG?"

Sarge (chuckling): Oh, I remember. And you know what,
Dorothy - I have a feeling those days will be back sooner than you think. If
you just...

Dorothy: Just what? I'd, well, I'd do anything to see home
runs again!

One of the Phans steps
up. He is short and rotund, and his hair is done in an absurd spit curl. He is
eating a cheesesteak on a stick.

Sarge: Wait! It's dangerous to go alone... take these! (he
hands her a pair of baseball cleats that have been spray-painted red)

Dorothy: But I thought I landed on Jayson Werth! Don't those
belong to Hunter Pence?

Sarge: Listen don't go trying to make sense of things in
this story. Just put them on and go. Hunter Pence was supposed to be like the
new Werth anyway, so it works better than a lot of things you're about to see
on your WONDERFUL and AMAZING journey. Now get to it!

And so Dorothy puts on
the Ruby Spray-Painted Cleats and heads off down the mysterious Broad Street
Road, her little stuffed Phanatic riding dutifully in her basket...

[1]
Yes we know there was never a Chase blankie giveaway. This is a work of
fiction.

Werth was the Mother's Day promo the next year against the Braves. And they didn't have them the day of the game, they gave you a voucher to come pick it up at a later date.

Haha, I literally just made up an excuse why I had to leave my job so I could drive home to Conshy to take a pic of the blanket. Then I discovered it's still at my dad's house from months ago. The Curious Case of the Chase Utley Giveaway Fleece Blanket That Totally Happened will have to wait until I can drive to Phoenixville tonight.