John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

My daughter wants to take the plane to heaven to see her grandpa. (Published 8-16-11)

Q:

Maha from NY tells us: I lost my dad a year ago and life has not been the same. Every morning I get up and the first thing that comes to my mind is why he left us. I know it was not up to him to decide but he was the best friend I ever had—the person that I look back on every time I fell and see his hands reach out to me.

My daughter who is 3 asked me if she can take the plane to go to heaven, which brought tears to my eyes, because I know she misses him just as much.

Life itself just seems very tasteless, nothing seems to matter. Everything just seems to end with that last breath he took. I can’t go to my parents' house because every time I enter, every corner seems to tell a story of him. I feel like the person that cared for us the most is no longer here and no one else seems to care. I am always in an upsetting mood and my mind just thinks of him at all time.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Maha,

We can just imagine the impact on your emotions when your daughter asked about taking the plane to heaven.

On page 232 of our book, When Children Grieve, we wrote, “Most people allude to heaven being up

above. Small children take that very literally, also. We have been told many times of children looking out of airplane windows, trying to find Grandpa.”

We also reacted to your poignant language that “Life itself just seems very tasteless, nothing seems to matter.”

Millions of people can relate to what you’ve said. And although there’s no need to redefine your words, we would like to comment on your comments. When someone important to us dies, the rest of the world goes out of focus. The things that are typically important to us recede into the background. The only thing that’s important is the absence of that person, and the automatic review of the relationship we had with him or her.

We most want you to know that what you report about your thoughts and feelings is totally normal and natural, and even healthy.

Please go to the bookstore or library and get a copy of When Children Grieve, it will help you guide your daughter with her grief, and also help you recognize how important it is for you deal with your own emotions so you can be an accurate and helpful guide for her.