Did Vodka Save Elephants? Siberian Rescue Story Not Absolut-ly Credible

According to circus trainers — the most reliable sources for any news — a pair of elephants were saved from hypothermia in frigid Siberia yesterday thanks to the warming effects of vodka.

The elephants were reportedly trundling across the tundra in a trailer, which suddenly caught fire outside the city of Novosibirsk.

To keep the elephants warm against the bitter Siberian cold, trainer Leonid Labo plied the panicked pachyderms with 2.6 gallons of vodka diluted with water. By the time they were rescued and taken to a nearby gym, the elephants suffered only minor frostbite.

Although the story is popping up all over the interwebs, it hasn’t been met with the skepticism it seems to deserve.

There are several reasons to doubt that vodka played any role in saving the elephants.

1. The source of the story: carnies. ‘Nuff said.

2. Although alcohol creates a warm, cozy feeling in the drinker, it actually lowers body temperature.

3. The elephants’ trailer was on fire. Perhaps standing near a flaming pile of wood had more to do with their salvation than anything they imbibed.

We can only hope that the vodka helped the elephants — a species known for their impeccable memories — temporarily forget that they were enslaved by an Eastern European circus run by carnies who just happened to have 2.6 gallons of vodka lying around.