Weather: Ok it gets real warm in July right so everyone's using air conditioners and fans and leaving their fridges open right so expect to hear a warning from a politician not to use so much electricity cause like then there's not gonna be enough to keep his beer cold eh!

Good day, and welcome to the Hoser. I'm Bob McKenzie and this is my brother Doug.

Doug

Good day, eh!

Bob

Okay. So like you can see from our set that there's no Coleman, right...

Doug

No, the readers can't really see our set. This is a newspaper, eh!

Bob

Oh, right. So anyway Doug can see from our set, and you could too if this were our show, that we aren't using the Coleman cause its July in the Great White North and too warm to cook backbacon, right?

Doug

Yeah. Well, our mom still cooks us some for breakfast sometimes.

Bob

Right. So yeah, its real warm so we went out and stole an air conditioner...

Doug

Take off! We did not steal it.

Bob

Oh yeah. We found an air conditioner. So hosehead here says "where should we put it", right, and I'm like...

Doug

Hey, I should be able to say my own lines, eh?

Bob

Ok, I'll let you say your own lines if you stop interrupting me.

Doug

Beauty. So I says "where should we put this air conditioner, eh!"

Bob

Yeah, and then I said "how 'bout the garage, cause then the cases of beer that aren't in the fridge will stay cold, too". Then hoser says, uh, you say it.

Doug

Ok, I said "no way, cause then the old man will kick us out of the house cause we're using his electricity". He acts like he owns the house sometimes, eh?

Bob

He does own the house, you nobk!

Doug

Oh yeah!

Bob

So anyway, we decided to put the air conditioner in the van, right, so we can stay cool while we're driving around and looking for beer and/or donuts.

Doug

"And/or". Beauty.

Bob

Yeah.

Doug

So here's how to put an air conditioner into a van. First you take out the window.

Bob

I don't advise smashing it like Doug did.

Doug

Okay, that wasn't on purpose, but it worked anyway.

Bob

Whatever.

Doug

So take out a window, then stick the air conditioner into it. This is like a wall-unit, right? So you can jam it in there with a sledgehammer and then make sure the door closes and fill in the gap between the air conditioner and the door with like wood or plastic or smashed up beer cans or something.

Bob

Yeah, and when that's done you've successfully installed air conditioning in your van.

Doug

No way.

Bob

Why?

Doug

Cause there's no way of powering it.

Bob

Well what about the alternator?

Doug

Not enough voltage. So I stole...

Bob

"Borrowed".

Doug

...borrowed a power inverter. You've seen them, right?

Bob

Yeah, I have.

Doug

I was talking to the reader.

Bob

Oh, right.

Doug

So they like turn the 12 volt DC power from your lighter into 120 volt AC that can be used to power air conditioners and big screen TVs and stuff.

Bob

Yeah. He's a genius, eh!

Doug

So anyway, I stole...

Bob

"Borrowed".

Doug

...borrowed an inverter and plugged in the air conditioner and it was real cold in the van right? So we're driving around testing it, right, and it's real great cause it's so hot out.

Bob

Beauty.

Doug

Then later that night, Bob says "we're out of beer" so he's gonna get some more, eh! That was my big mistake, letting him drive. You know how those air conditioners stick right out of the window, eh? Like eight or nine inches, right?

Bob

Geez. Don't tell them this part!

Doug

Yeah, I'm going to.

Bob

Hoser.

Doug

Okay so like hoser here was driving down the street to the Beer Store and then he drove too close to a pole and took out the air conditioner and smashed it right and like when he backed up to pick it up he drove over it and smashed it more eh!

Bob

Beauty run on, eh?

Doug

Thanks.

Bob

So anyway, the air conditioner's smashed, but we're still comfortable when we drive cause like the door got ripped out and the wind blows through the van and we can still stay cool.

Doug

Yeah. And as a bonus the van now looks like one of those delivery vans with no door on the passenger side. Beauty, eh!

Bob

Yeah. Except since there's no passenger side seat belt, I'm gonna make sure I make some sharp left turns next time I'm driving the van, eh!

Ok, right now SCTV is only on in Canada on the Comedy Network. If you like live in the states, then you're hosed, eh? They were showing it, but now it's gone, so you're gonna have to watch it on tape or imagine it's still on or whatever. But if you live in Canada, then you should be watching the episodes, eh! Cause like it might go off the air here sometime too. Either way, go check the SCTV News page or SCTV: On The Air! to find the air times, or in case something changed, eh?!

CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATIONTHIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION.

The Hoser

My main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie.

Contact Bob

Send me your questions or comments about anything on the site to codorjan@gmail.com. I'll try to reply within a few days of receiving the message, but make sure you tell me what page you're talking about.