Searching for hope amidst hopelessness

I dread Friday’s. It is the time of the week when most people are excited that the weekend is near. People start planning for the next two days. Everyone has a little smile on their face and keep asking the dreaded question.

What’s your plan for the weekend ?

My mind goes into an over-drive and looks for a convincing and interesting reply. I usually end up with either of these.

1. Not much , perhaps a movie or dinner. ( Vague enough …)

2. No plans . Thought of taking a break and get some rest.. Sleep and watch TV .( Couple this with a look that convinces them that you lead a busy life , and you are golden).

After a while , you get quite adept at convincing others. Even if it is a little annoying , it doesn’t become a big problem. The difficulty is in convincing yourself that your weekend will not be depressing and your life does not suck !

I am not that good a liar. At least, not yet. Until then , I live through the weekend with a big sigh , hoping for better times. And when Monday turns up , am all set to camouflage under the relatively busy life at work.

Thank god for the week days. If not for it , I would be a maniac running naked around the streets , till some comet shoots me down.

I met her in a lacklustre setting on a dull Tuesday afternoon. I had to take a few training sessions for her class. While the excitement of taking class to 25 young females , faded fast , I could not really forget her.

She was taller than most and perhaps that’s why she stood out. I knew she was different from the second I met her. Conversations were easy with her. we could exchange messages for hours together and never get bored. We never spent any time together. But I always felt that she was with me in everything I did. After exchanging some 10000 odd messages over 1.5 years , I really thought we had something special.

I am never good at expressing my deep emotions. Through most of my childhood , I was left to fight my own wars and somehow evolved to deal with them. I always assumed that it would become easier as I grow older. Quite naive , considering how complex our emotional responses become after the age of 20.

During one of our messaging marathons , I felt that she was into me. At last there was someone who liked me dearly , at last. It was about time that found someone with whom I would not be shit scared to even ask for a hug. In a moment of magnanimity , I decided to make it easy for her and tell that I loved her.

The best reply you can hear is that she jumps with joy and runs out of words to describe how greatly in love she was. The worst , her being shocked that I could ever think of her that way. Unlucky for me , she was shell shocked.

It just kept getting worse from there on. She started avoiding me and refused to even stay as friends.

There is no happy ending to this story. After this incident , I have the misfortune of seeing her for the last 2 years. And every time I see her , it tears my heart to shreds.

Not because she said no. But because I meant so little to her and that she could let go the idea of me in a mere blink. That I could bare my soul to her for 1.5 years and she still doesn’t trust me enough to meet me even for one coffee.

I just saw her today and ran away from before we could share an awkward smile , where I hide my feelings and she tried to seem normal to her friends.

Its amazing how an heart that has been ripped apart can still feel heavy. My heart is broken beyond repair and she does not even know it.