James Douglas Muir "Jay" Leno

Jay Leno quotes:

Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing? permalink Jay Leno

Scientists believe that monkeys can be taught to think, lie and even play politics within their community. If we can just teach them to cheat on their wives we can save millions on congressional salaries. permalink Jay Leno

Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed. permalink Jay Leno - monologue (20 October 2006)

The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it. permalink Jay Leno

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. permalink Jay Leno

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. permalink Jay Leno

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets. permalink Jay Leno

There's this big pie in show business, and you physically can't eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. The real trick is not to try to get the whole pie, but to keep the biggest slice. permalink Jay Leno

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day! permalink Jay Leno

With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance? permalink Jay Leno

Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation! permalink Jay Leno - monologue (19 April 2007)

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying your taxes. That's a red flag. permalink Jay Leno

You aren't famous until my mother has heard of you. permalink Jay Leno

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that. permalink Jay Leno - Women's World (4 July 2006)

You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs. permalink Jay Leno

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