Tales told by my kids, some snippets of their conversation, and some tales of my own.

Month: June 2015

I didn’t think I would cry about this, but I did. I was. [I still am.]

I was sitting in my car furiously updating the live feed from the SCOTUSblog, waiting for news on the marriage equality ruling. Then, with my umpteenth down swipe, it was official. Dissents notwithstanding, the highest court, and ultimate arbiters of all-things-legal, in this amazing country of ours has ruled that everyone is free to marry the person they love and no state may refuse to recognize that choice.

Justice Kennedy, writing for the majority:

“The nature of injustice is that we may not always see it in our own times. The generations that wrote and ratified the Bill of Rights and the Fourteenth Amendment did not presume to know the extent of freedom in all of its dimensions, and so they entrusted to future generations a charter protecting the right of all persons to enjoy liberty as we learn its meaning. When new insight reveals discord between the Constitution’s central protections and a received legal stricture, a claim to liberty must be addressed.”

Justice Kennedy is 78 years old. He was appointed by President Reagan to the Court in the 80s. He is decidedly not a millennial. But he is part of this new generation, as we all are. The country is not the same as it was 200 years ago. And how awful would life be if it was? No toilet paper, no Starbucks, no Google, and no freedom–for so many. Justice Kennedy and the other four Justices who joined him are right. This is about liberty, so basic and so material for so many of us. And so easy to understand for the youngest among us.

My kids were attendants in their first wedding two years ago. At 5, 3 and 1.5 they wore the fanciest clothes of their lives and walked down the aisle with their cousins, throwing dinosaur stickers instead of flower petals. Never once did it occur to them to ask why there were two brides.

It was a wedding and a wedding to them was, and still is, about love–about a commitment to love and build a life with another person.

So, it feels pretty amazing to sit here in my office [where I’m supposed to be working…sorry clients] and pour over the words of the Supreme Court. To be nodding along with joy in my heart and a smile on my face, the same way I used to feel when my mom read Shel Silverstein poems to my sister and me.

The battle for equality is far from over. There are still so many wrongs to be fixed, and hearts to be changed and healed. But this morning, I’m awash with happiness and optimism.

“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”
― Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends.

It tends to comes out of nowhere, when it is the furthest thing from my mind. And then it is there, my frontal lobe sending mom-soaked dopamine compounds throughout my brain. Making me stop for a moment in my tracks, just long enough to pass through a sidewalk sprinkler of memories and emotion. The moisture is barely noticeable, quickly evaporating on a summer day. I can choose to stand still and let the sprinkler hit me again, or walk on. Usually I walk on, the shock of it quickly passing. Sometimes it leaves me chilled, but mostly it feels good. Cool and warm at the same time. Like her.

When my mom’s death was fresh, raw and recent, it felt like I was standing at the shore break after a storm. Unevenly spaced waves were crashing around me, carrying tangles of seaweed and other harsh matter dredged from the ocean bottom. It was hard to breathe. I couldn’t move as the sand gripped tighter and higher around my ankles with each wave. My eyes stung too much to open, making it impossible for me to know when the next wave would break over me.

It sucked.

Now, almost 5 years later, it sucks less. I can breathe. My eyes are open and I am no longer stuck in the sand and waves.

Still sometimes, I am drenched by loss of her.

Today was the second day of summer camp for my 3 year old son. Yesterday’s drop off was easy, but by pick up time he was sobbing. This morning he was refusing to enter the classroom. Asking for a new camp, asking to go home, yelling for “one more minute of talking.”

I was late for work already, my mind racing with thoughts of the thousand things that [still] need to get done. I was tired from his mid-night calls for trips to the bathroom, sips of water, made-up songs about tall towers, and blanket adjustments. I wanted to pick him up and drop him in the middle of room and run. I wanted to scream.

I closed my eyes for a second and was hit by the sprinkler. Confusing and cool, the thoughts rained down. I felt her. I felt her perpetual calmness and infinite patience in all child-related matters. I sat down on the bench outside the classroom and looked at his tear-soaked face. I asked if he wanted to play with me for a while and he nodded. We played with imaginary cars and jet planes. Then we zoomed those cars into the classroom and I asked if he wanted to see where his sister sat when this was her classroom. He nodded, then audibly “ooh”-ed as he sat in the chair that was his sister’s. A minute later he waved me off with a quick goodbye and I left.

It was comforting to him to think that his sister once sat where he sat. It is comforting to me to think that my mom was once where I am. I am not her. I don’t have the tolerance that she had; but I still have her.

I have the ability to call upon her, or to have my subconscious call upon her. To splash myself with the memory of her, and let those thoughts work their sometimes sad but, now, mostly wonderful magic. To remind me to stop rushing, to breathe. To let my kid find his way in his time–just like she did for all of hers. And to abuse oceanic and neuropsychological metaphors–just as she would have done. Love and miss you, Mommy.

All smiles on the first day. Not so much on the second.

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