Friday, April 27, 2012

Tomorrow, I leave my home. I've been on the farm known as InanItah for five months, almost to the day, and the time has come to leave. It's been a hell of a journey.

I arrived not knowing the place existed. I met a woman as I was leaving Managua's only hostel one random morning and we were both walking to the bus station together. I was headed to Granada and she started talking about this place. I thought it sounded massively hippy. Go see my blogpost on the subject. I arrived and was welcomed in the warmest possible way. I felt embraced, spiritually and physically, in ways I never had before, and as I came to realise with InanItah's help it was what I'd been searching for all this time.

Staying here there are various never uttered and never expressed unwritten rules: this is a place of support; a place of non-judgement, growth and learning; freedom of expression is paramount and inspiration respected. We do yoga and meditation most days, camp on a hill, in the midst of two volcanos, on an island in a lake and live the most environmentally friendly lifestyle we choose to live. How individuals interpret that is down to personal karma. We do fulfilling work in the shape of gardening, chopping firewood, cooking and cleaning. And it feels amazing. To live so simply, away from the stress of the western world, where there's never any blame, when you can put your hand up and say 'I don't want to do that today. I want to go sit in a field and think for a bit": it's so fucking emancipating.

I'm not the same person as when I arrived. I was harsh, yearning for affection and someone to cuddle, I wanted to be the funny guy, in fact I was desperate for it, I needed someone to give me a cuddle and just hold me forever and tell me I'm loved, I was mean and uncharitable, I spoke fast and sought control. I still am some of those things but I now see where those things come from: thanks, Mum. When I was younger I needed a hug. Just one and the world would have been alright. I carried resentment forward. I needed support and instead got compared to my sister. I needed a parent and got a disciplinarian. I needed comfort and got criticised. And then I married my mother, in the shape of my ex-wife. And the cycle was repeated. I got so angry. I needed a release. I needed to express the pain I was feeling before I could start getting over it. I was ashamed to need to express my needs; I was scared to say "I need help". InanItah has helped me get over that.

Firstly, it was the people. I've met so many wonderful people here. Formerly I couldn't imagine admitting there were wonderful people in the world but it's hard to deny their existence now. There is very little admittance policy here. It is minimal, they let me in after all, so it falls down to other factors of how people make their way here. Either way, the people are amazing. I owe a debt of gratitude to so many people here. This is just a few in no particular order:

Richie showed me what it means to actually be free in expression and dream
Tahnee made me feel so welcomed on arrival. Her spirit shines on.
Jess gave me the tools to be accepted. Big love.
Chuck will always be my brother. We have the same issues from different sources and I learned so much from him. He's the little engine that could, did and went on to win all the races.
Duncan challenged me: my patience and anger; my understanding of action, thought and deed. I recognise he's my father figure and that's why I'm challenged. Because of him I accept my Dad for who he is.
Rachel talked to me of pain and I heard my own. I love you, Rach.
Georgia who talked me down from a bad place and showed how I could only hope to have been at 23. As did Iris, Arianna, Sierra and so many others: so much wisdom at such a young age.
Danielle who I shared a fearful deep secret with and she took it, held it, and gave me back the potential source of so much. I'll be forever grateful.
Anand who brought me back down to earth at a time when I was high as a fucking kite by telling me he loved me.

There are others: Greg, Bernd, Melissa, Inga, Luke, Iris, Sara, Gabe and many others. All touched me in different ways and became tentpoles to create a this new, better, me.

Then there was the Tantra courses. I've never accessed all this crap that lives inside me. I'd never known it was there. Out came pouring all this stuff: my anger, my hatred, my judgement, contempt. I nearly punched a young woman to the floor as she was embodying my ex-wife. I was cuddled by another as she played my mum. Every day I was destroyed and rebuilt anew. The jealousy is now not as strong as it was, my depression and therefore my mental state has been made clear to me what it actually was and is, my issues have been given a fresh perspective and I now get a chance to make a new me, a good me, the me I want to be and not the one I was told I should be by so many people, told by my issues that I'm not worthy of being.

There are things I've learned that seem so second nature now. Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg is a book I've taken to heart; possibly a little too much to be honest. I'm now having the most amazing conversations using the four points of observation, feeling, need and request. I used to say I was always honest and now I can be honest with myself. I feel authentic for the first time in a long time. Or at least I do here. As I sit here and type I'm actually quite scared to leave. I don't know how I'll cope or act in the real world. Can I sustain this new me? Will I crumble? What if I need support? I fear I'll come running back in a few days; I'm certainly going to find it hard to physically leave. I've been picturing myself for days standing at the top of the driveway and just bawling my eyes out. I can cry now! In public!

I do have issues with InanItah, and for me they stop me wanting to call it home. It took me a long time to see them and I suspect they exist more because I need a security blanket I can trust: I can't exert control over things that don't conform to my perfection. That's one reason I need to leave - so I can gain perspective on what it means for me. Whatever that answer turns out to be I owe InanItah, it's people, facilities, founders, and spirituality, a debt of gratitude I can never repay and certainly never accurately express. My time is not infinite. Perhaps if I'd come here 15 years ago I wouldn't have turned into the angry mess that I did but I didn't need it then and I certainly wouldn't have accepted it.

Just wooow! :) If you have come that far once, you definitely have the strength to start again. Believe in yourself. But it also depends a lot on the people that surround you. Have a safe trip! You are always welcome in Germany. Patpricia