It was
bound to happen sooner or later. I thought it was just a legend,
or old-wives' tale.

People
can be wrong.

It is
true - in every reviewer's life there comes a time when one
must endure the hardships of listening to, and then reviewing
a terrible album. Hefner's
Breaking God's Heart was destined to be one of those
albums, one with absolutely zero redeeming qualities.

The major
problem with this album is Darren Hayman, the lead vocalist.
Rarely is he on-key, yet often off beat. His attempts at emotionalilty
result in piercing wails of despair. Gordan Gano of the Violent
Femmes (the whine) crossed with Noel Gallagher of Oasis (the
British twist) is an ample description, provided it is knocked
off-key by about a half step.

The band
does little to save Hefner from being tossed onto the reject
pile, at times they actually add to the downfall. The instrumentation
is not poor, but it is weak. There is nothing innovative here,
it is basically what you will find from any garage alt-rock
band - empty guitar chords and hollow snare and bass beats.

Problems
pile up when the band backs off, as in ballads such as "Hymn
for the Postal Service." During these instances, the song
focuses on the vocalist - which was previously alluded to
as being a bad thing. When the band is more prominent, there
is less focus on the vocals, and more on the mediocre music
- which is better than the atrocity Hefner claims as a vocalist.

Just when
you think things can't get any worse, the backup vocals kick
in. Usually backup vocals enhance the music. Maybe Hefner
forgot to go to their voice lessons or they intended dissonance,
there must be a rational explanation... All the backup vocals
are off-key and off-beat. A combination of off-key, off-beat
music and lyrics is just about as bad as it can get. Hefner
beats this limit.

Hefner's
last hope of redemption is their lyrics. Anyone going along
with this hopeful attitude will be in for the final blow.
Getting a bucket would be a good idea - this is going to be
a rough ride. The chorus to "The Librarian" is "He will never
kiss her eyelids" which basically means he will never get
to get it on with the librarian because "his efforts were
in vain." The genius behind "Another Better Friend" lies in
"I don't want to get laid, I just want to be held in her arms."
Keep in mind that this is a ballad (very little band) and
it has major backup vocals (off-key and off-beat).

Hefner
succeed beautifully in failing. They have failed as artists
as well as musicians, and this album is proof of that. A cheap
ripoff of Brit-pop and American despair, Hefner are destined
to become part of the big rubbage heap in the sky - for breaking
God's heart is one of the greatest sins of all.