SNL Returns With ‘Ah’ing Obama, Gaffe-Prone Romney & Bad-at-Math Ryan

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“Saturday Night Live” kicked off its new season with President Barack Obama conceding that America isn’t “in love” with him anymore, but confident in his re-election chances because of his “secret weapon” — an endlessly out-of-touch Mitt Romney.

Obama — played this season by cast member Jay Pharoah — stammered through his Ohio campaign stop with plenty of “ah”s, and said, “Before we start — Sasha, Malia, go to bed. I do that to remind you that I have two adorable adult daughters and not five creepy adult sons.”

“Well election day is near and things aren’t great,” Obama said. “The economy’s in the tank, the job market’s horrible and now even my foreign policy is under attack. But there’s something I want you to know: I’m not worried. Not in the least. Should be. Seems like I would be, but I’m not. Our campaign has a secret weapon and that secret weapon is speaking right now.”

It then shifted to Mitt Romney, played by Jason Sudeikis, holding his own campaign event and declaring: “I understand the hardships of ordinary people. For example, this summer, one of my horses failed to medal at the Olympics.”

Offering a glimpse of what’s to come from its Paul Ryan impressions, cast member Taran Killam said as the Wisconsin congressman: “I said I could do 100 sit-ups in five seconds. What I meant was I could do five sit-ups eventually. Don’t worry, that doesn’t make me a liar, I’m just terrible with numbers…now let’s talk budget!”

“So America, I know you’re not in love with me anymore,” Obama continued. “But I want you to know my heart still beats for you. And I can prove it” — and he launched into the now-famous Al Green singing.

“There’s your choice America,” he said. “Stick with what’s been barely working or take your chances with that.”