“Your Transcript Doesn’t Matter,” Says University That Has Every Intention of Grading You This Semester

CAMBRIDGE, MA – On Wednesday, Rakesh Khurana, Danoff Dean of Giving Students a False Sense of Security, announced the Transcript Project.

“Too often your transcript can feel like a burden, carrying with it the expectations of a perfect GPA,” Khurana wrote reassuringly in an email to students. “But, like, you’re totally screwed in that SPU class, man. That C you’re in for is gonna stick with you for a longgggg time.”

The Transcript Project encourages students to express their academic experiences through art, words, and sound instead of letter grades. Khurana wrote that students could “discard the conventional markers of academic success and instead celebrate the uniqueness of your intellectual journey at Harvard.” He paused before typing: “Oh, haha, you think this means we’re impressed by that A- you got in Hebrew Bible? Get your shit together, dude.”

The winning students receive $200 gift cards to the Harvard Coop, where they can buy books for classes that definitely plan to pass judgement on them.

At press time, Khurana was working on unveiling the Job Search Project, which will empower students to come to terms with their impending unpaid internships through a smooth synthesis of spoken word and jazz.