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November 29, 2004

Holy shit, hello Eric Alterman! I think we may be married now -- there is something about mutual linking or something, I think.

And, uhm, you know, Regular Readers of People Way Smarter Than Me, last week wasn't one of my best (though I did think the revelation that one of my exes seems to work at a neo-con rag was shocking and so, so much worse than the guy I dated who is now in the Blue Man Group, shudder!). Uhm. Anyway. So feel free to browse the archives in search of something sassier/funnier/more topical.

God, I feel like I've been caught with my hair in curlers!

Moving on: I was just wondering the other day when the Bush administration would get back to their usual compassionate and conservative antics like executing the retarded and cutting early childhood education programs to the poor. And what better way to celebrate the election than by picking on the terminally ill! Woo! Because if cancer patients smoke pot, the terrorists totally will have won.

Mr. Pink picked up the newish David Cross record last Friday (fuck you, Adbusters, we buy what we want, and plus, it's on Sub Pop!) and we listened to it on the way to Noho...and you know, didn't he, uhm, say something about how we know what The Terrorists want because they are always saying it rather explicitly? Only, of course, he said it funny, whereas I am saying it terrifiedly.

And yeah, "terrifiedly"? Not a word. I know.

Also: I have a new theory I am working on having to do with Madonna and Gwen Stefani and the obviously supernatural force that guides their careers, raising one up while smiting the other...developing...

November 26, 2004

Oddness afoot!

I do believe I am having some success in talking the inimitable Ms. TJ into holding a reunion of the "Hair" Union, NJ, Original Cast (1994)...this is major, because, when Teej and I first met in our freshman year of college, she played me the audio tape of the performance, and goddamn if it wasn't the funniest thing -- and, consequently, the awesomest thing -- I have ever heard in my life. To hear the white high school kid, with this wicked Jersey accent, wail out "Colored Spade"...well, you have never hear anything like it. I explained that to hold this reunion would be like a gift to me as I have always deeply wanted to meet the wonderful souls who performed TJ's original choreography. Jazz hands! Did I mention that this performance also took place in a church basement? Anyone who's seen "Hair" knows that this is...uhm...yeah. So awesome, oh my GOD. My plan is to document the entire thing! Like a little film project!

Other oddness: when we were in CT for Thanksgiving, Mr. Pink's Uncle Godzilla (which is what all my friends and family call him after meeting him at our wedding -- he really, really likes Godzilla) took us to see the "Wild Wild West" shrine he has in his home. Fucking weird shit, my friends. Also, on some of the models of the Wolfman he made, he has affixed labels that say "Courtesy of the [Uncle Godzilla's real name] Collection" to the bases. Like, you know, I guess for when the Smithsonian calls, they are all ready to go!

Also, since my day was sort of slow, I did a little Google-stalking and have come to the conclusion that one of my exes is working at what I think is a neo-con-type journal. I mean, I can't totally tell what the bias is, but all signs point to neo-con! Eew, so creepy! I had begun to think that sleeping with me was some sort of purification ray of liberalism (which is sort of a fun, if weird, visual), but apparently not! Hmph!

I feel like this post is walking a line between tedious and funny, so I think I will stop now, no matter which side I've gone to now. Oh well.

November 24, 2004

Before I go off to CT for an in-law-flavored Thanksgiving dinner (I have so much to say, but let's just leave it at that), here's what I'm thankful for: Mr. Pink; the opening riff on "Crazy Train"; the cats; my punk rock friends both near and far; Salon; the awesome decline of Britney Spears (she can't fight her essential white trash nature, no matter how much money she has -- it's genetic!); pink suede; Ben Roethlisberger (whoa, a weblog!); Vogue; the nice people who gave me directions the last time I was lost in Queens; "The Gilmore Girls"; Barney Frank; the Anthropologie catalog; finding my new hairdresser; Eric Alterman; Pittsburgh; and books.

November 23, 2004

If I die of Chinese food overdose, I want to at least tell you all that I am such an asshole that I completely neglected to knit anything for my co-worker and her wife who are about to have a baby any minute now. (To be fair, she works off-site and it's her wife who's actually pregnant, so it's not like I am blind as well as clueless and procrastinatingful.) So today, in a dead panic, I ran to Periwinkle Sheep and picked up some Jaeger Baby Merino to make the bunny hat from Stitch 'n' Bitch Nation. Uhm, at least it works up fast! God, why do I always do this?!? Stress!

In other news: any of you DC/VA girls up for answering a sex-solicitation ad for a good cause? Because this poor guy could really use a good night. (Via Wonkette.)

November 22, 2004

Why Paris Hilton continues to charm me, against all odds! (Honestly, I had no idea what a bottomless well of goodwill I apparently have towards her, but you know, who amongst us doesn't have some stray photos kissing someone of the same sex back in our wild youth? Sister Paris, I feel ya!)

Why William Safire is such a fucking liar. (Well, not exactly why, but maybe more accurately, how, but you know, I am trying to be clever, if a bit hackneyed, in construction, so it seems I have been trapped in a tangled web of my own making! Oh, hubris! But honestly, Safire is such a jackass, who the hell cares. Good article, read it. Though obviously not as funny as that old Onion article [not archived] about William Safire going to a Burger King and ordering two Whoppers Junior. Mr. Pink and I laugh about that all the time.)

Freemans, tuesday night the 16th of nov. the bush twins, along with two massive secret service men, tried to have dinner. they were told by the maitre'd that they were full and would be for the next 4 years. upon hearing, the entire restaurant cheered and did a round of shots...it was amazing!!! [Ed.: we're hearing that this is actually true.]

That is, like, the hottest thing ever! (Also in the same edition of Gawker Stalker -- Q-Tip flies coach?!?)

November 21, 2004

Darlings! I am feeling so fucking lovey this evening, thanks to another Steelers victory today! And how gratifying that they have crushed the souls of two Ohio teams in the past two weeks! (Ohio, of course being source of my gathering madness with respect to the presidential election. Blue State triumph, woo!) So to all of you, I give my heartfelt love and flash my breasts at you or you know, whatever. Go Steelers!

In other news that's cause for excellent, breast-flashing moods: my new cell phone finally arrived and I love it because I can make it ring to "Funiculi," which never fails to make me laugh until I nearly puke; my TJ/Rye Xmas gift of "let's all get a hotel room in NYC in January and have posh food and cheap drinks instead of buying imported soap and fancy wallets for each other" is coming together nicely; I continue to make happy headway in the very charming big, fat book; and I finally saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and loved it even more than I expected I would, which is saying quite a lot. So there!

November 18, 2004

1. What is the geekiest part of your music collection: Others may answer that it is my Neil Diamond box set, but those people are stupid. He's the Jewish Elvis, bitches! So the answer is: nothing, my taste rules the school.

2. What do you eat when you raid the fridge at night: Usually I just am thirsty and pound half a liter of this Stop 'n' Stop store brand of selzter I love, but today I bought, like, a gabillion pound jug of Red Vines at Target, so probably those for the next 4 or 5 years. ($5.99! For a giant plastic bin of Red Vines! I love you, Target!)

3. How much money would it take to give up the Internet for one year: Uhm, $150,000, let's say, to subsidize the increased phone bill, full-priced designer bags (without eBay!) each season, and getting a newspaper every day. Eew, and some pain and suffering cash to pay me off for having to return to that bitch-goddess cable teevee news!

4. What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie:Steel Magnolias. Every time! Oh, and the part in Babe where Farmer Hoggett is all, "That'll do, pig." Big tears.

5. Do you have a completely irrational fear: I am so intensely frightened of fish, it is often embarassing. Even on the teevee, they freak me.

6. What is a physical habit that gives away your insecure moments: Does public drunkenness count?

7. Do you know anyone famous: Only people famous in their own minds. Oh wait, no, you know, there's a girl I went to college with, Erin Foley, and I have seen her a few times on the teevee and once in Almost Famous. Last time I saw her was at a wedding where I'm afraid my answer to #6 made an ugly appearance and I made out with a groomsman in a hotel elevator. Sadly, pretty much everyone at that wedding completely hated me by the time I finally fell asleep (passed out?) on the floor of someone else's room, so you know, we don't really keep in touch.

8. Describe your bed: Currently covered in bras, shoes and about 6 quilts.

9. Do you know how to play poker: Sort of. I have trouble with the terminology, though.

10. What do you carry with you at all times: A book and red lipstick.

11. What do you miss most about being little: My family and playing with Barbies!

12. Are you happy with your given name: I'd prefer something less common, more exotic, but you know, what are you going to do? I guess that, being born in 1976, I should just be grateful I didn't get named Jennifer like every other poor sap!

13. What color is your bedroom: White. Hate. It.

14. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person: No, but I suspect sometimes that it's part of the image I'm cultivating to say that.

15. Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends: Uhm, none of my friends live up here (smart darlings!), so I am stuck taking Mr. Pink shopping and making him talk about nail polish. It's kind of sad, really.

16. What's one thing you wish you could do but can't: Get the hell out of Western Massachusetts.

17. What is your ideal marriage location: What? I am with Erin and don't get this question. It's this sort of question that indicates what's wrong with society -- the inability to tell the difference between a wedding and a marriage! Plus, as I am sure all my wedding guests can confirm, my wedding was so fucking rad and posh and delightful that I can't even discuss it for fear of appearing vain!

18. What's one instrument you wish you could play: This question makes me want to say something retarded like, "the skin flute," and then wiggle my eyebrows in a suggestive way. But honestly, I am comfortable with my blow job skills, so I guess I'm just at a loss here.

19. Something you love and hate: My fellow liberals.

20. What's one language you want to learn: I love German, I think it is so foxy. So I guess that.

21. What do you order at a bar: Vodka tonic, two limes!

22. Have you ever pierced your body parts: Just ears. I am scared of pain! I feel, though, when my friend Rye got her nose pierced, it was almost like I did.

23. Do you drive stick: Eew, no. Well, sort of. I had an ex try and teach me, but I hate to be bossed, so it ended badly with some screaming. My current car can go manual or automatic, which is crazy-fun, but I always use automatic. Because I am a wuss.

24. What's one trait you hate in a person: There is no way that I have the time or space to even scratch the surface on this one. Short answers: bad manners, intolerance, bad hair, not being "a reader," self-aggrandisement, Atkins diet devotion, thick necks...oh, really, it is just too much.

25. What kind of watch do you wear: Usually none (everyone waits for me, bitch), but sometimes a pink tank watch of indeterminate origins or the Nike (I know!) watch I use for running or the gym to time myself.

26. Do you consider yourself materialistic: Yes, and I am sick of apoligizing for it!

27. Favorite writing instrument: Sharpies!

28. Do you prefer to blend in or stand out: It has been pointed out that, occasionally, I am a bit of an attention-seeker.

29. Do you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex: No, unless you count when I wear my pink boa, which is probably more commonly associated drag queens, I suppose.

30. What is one car you will never buy: Nothing in the world is more pathetic than those BMW SUVs. I mean, I hate SUVs anyway, but good God, what a serious, serious problem a person must have to go and purchase one of those suburban status symbols. Ick! So bourgeois!

31. If you won the lottery, what would you do: Leave Western Massachusetts forever, buy a Birkin bag and bankroll a liberal Democrat as a little hobby. And, you know, cheesy friends/family/charity stuff too, obviously. Oh! And I would also buy the cast of "The O.C." and make them do little improv plays in my living room.

34. What kind of first impression do you think you give people: I am told by people who like me that I come off confident, and by people who don't that I come off rather bitchy. Two sides, same coin, I guess.

35. How many drinks before you're tipsy: These days, probably more than one and I am giving people the glassy eyes.

36. Have you ever done any illegal drugs: At one point in my life, constantly; since I, you know, grew up? Hardly ever!

37. Do you think you're cute: Quite!

38. Do you have a problem changing clothes in front of your friends: This question is so situational! I mean, am I bloated? Have I shaved everything in a clever way? I mean, really. I like to give a good impression, even to my pals, so it really depends on my own physical condition!

39. What's the most painful experience you've ever had (emotionally and/or physically): Probably the loss of the 2004 election, possibly just because it's so fresh, but also in contention are the time my dad had cancer, and the death of my maternal grandparents.

Morning pick-me-up: the folks in a retirement home sewing up squares for Afghans for Afghans! Totally awesome, it almost makes me rethink my snappishness towards the old people in the Wolf Rd. Starbucks that cut in line when I stop for coffee on my way home from work. Almost! (Is there anyplace in the world where nasty people congregate faster than the Starbucks line? Outside of certain Third World dictatorships, I can't think of one. It's like an asshole magnet, that fucking acidic coffee is.)

Speaking of knitting weblogs (sorry Mark, but these ladies are way too rad sometimes), lookie what our friend Kerstin (of At My Knits End fame) has been doing lately: she's started a very reasoned, creative, feminism-influenced politics weblog. Which is awesome. I was just thinking the other day how there is a real need to refocus the feminist "message" and remind people why it's so vital before Bush gets his full-on Supreme Court lady-hating machine running. Anyway, more than worth checking out, everyone.

Also: I was really feeling mystified by Red State America with the flap over the Monday Night Football promo with T.O. and Nicollette Sheridan. I mean, I just could not figure out what the big fucking deal was, especially when you compare and contrast the bare back of Ms. Sheridan and the bare everything-else of the Dallas cheerleaders. I was just baffled, not just because I actually thought the commercial was kinda funny. But then, as Mr. Pink and I were discussing it last night, it hit us like a ton of bricks: T.O.'s black, Nicollette Sheridan's white. Of course psychotic people are up in arms! They're against miscegenation! Because they're racist! Of course, it all makes total sense now and I am no longer struggling to understand. I mean, I totally knew those fuckers were racist!

November 17, 2004

Heinous, heinous day. Oh man, I was trying to find out earlier if rage blackouts count as aerobic exercise so I can cut out a few hours on the elliptical this week. It was the kind of day that clearly can be saved only by the knowledge that the Sponge Bob movie will be out in only two short days. (Sponge Bob: not just for stoners anymore!)

I'm wondering, even amongst you who are, like me, book-geeks: do you know anyone who has read even one of the fiction nominees for the National Book Award? Because, like, I don't.