I don't know...there's something funky about the rhythm of this, and you rhyme in some places and don't rhyme in others...it seems a little jumbled. The language is good, but the thoughts aren't expressed very clearly or in a very organized manner. Of course, that might've been what you were going for, but it doesn't seem that way. Right now it just seems like you wrote it randomly and put it up.

Actually, I just did the exact same thing, so I'm one to talk, but still...

I hope I haven't completely flamed you. I'm just saying what I think is true. Keep trying, and I'm off to see some of your other work!