Touching the World of Angels

How my daughter's short life changed mine.

What can anyone say when a baby dies in her crib without warning just 76 days after she was born? Jerusalemite Seth Clyman, who with his wife Ellen has eight other children, spent six years writing a book that recalls the tragedy and the chilling week (in 1991) of mourning for their daughter Rena Nechama. The 126-page, self-published volume called Touching the World of Angels: How My Daughter's Short Life Changed Mine, will touch the hearts of readers.

The text is full of flashbacks, memories and recollections and has been endorsed by Rabbi Zev Leff of Moshav Matityahu, who called it "very inspiring," especially since he himself lost a nine-month-old granddaughter. "Through this account, we can glean many lessons and be sensitized to the feelings of others who, God forbid, suffer a similar loss."

Rebbetzin Feige Twerski added that the author "opens his heart and soul in sharing his journey from the pain and darkness of loss to meaning and consolation."
But one needn't be religious or even Jewish to appreciate the message on how to cope with the passing of a beloved baby.

The official rate of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is relatively low in Israel, at 0.4% per 1,000 live births each year. As some 150,000 babies are born here annually, the average number of SIDS deaths is 60. However, since autopsies of newborns who die an unexplained death are almost never performed, the figure is only an estimate. Whatever the real numbers, every SIDS death is a shocking calamity that affects a family forever.

Health Ministry guidelines for reducing the risk of SIDS include putting a baby to sleep on its back rather than its stomach; not smoking near a baby; breast-feeding; not having a baby sleep in its parents' bed; keeping the night temperature in the nursery at 21 to 23C; and dressing a baby in layers of light clothing rather than one heavy layer under heavy bedclothes, which can cause overheating.

"Your baby isn't well.... Please don't ask any questions, just come home as soon as you can."

The 49-year-old author does not recall if he, his wife or the babysitter at whose home Rena Nechama -- then their sixth child -- died had not been attentive enough, but says there is no point in blaming anyone or anything. The Clymans certainly don't smoke. "We wouldn't allow any of our grown children to marry a smoker," he says in an interview. There has also been no other crib death in his immediate family, says Clyman, who was brought to Israel from a small town in New York State when he was 14, and today works as a coordinator of yeshiva and other building projects.

On that horrendous afternoon, Clyman received a call from the babysitter, who said: "Your baby isn't well.... Please don't ask any questions, just come home as soon as you can."

He heard an ambulance in the background that had been called by a doctor in the neighborhood who rushed over when the babysitter alerted him. Inside were Rena Nechama and his wife Ellen, being rushed to Hadassah University Medical Center on Mount Scopus - the same hospital where the baby had been born a little over two months before.

Having reached the emergency room, Seth saw the doctors frantically trying to get a pulse. But finally the doctor in charge said: "Enough. There's nothing left to do."

Married for seven years, the Clymans then had five other children at home.

"Babies don't die," he writes. "They're supposed to grow. It shouldn't happen like this. Children should bury their parents."

The funeral was arranged, and Seth broke down when they had to go through the ritual of asking forgiveness for anything they might have done during her life. There were no eulogies, but when the burial society van was about to leave for the Har Hamenuhot cemetery, an old family friend advised the couple not to witness the burial or visit the grave, according to custom. So they took a last look at the van and went home for the seven-day mourning period.

The burial was on Tu Bishvat, the time when one traditionally plants saplings.

Clyman says that when they returned home, none of the 400 children who lived on the small cul-de-sac was playing outside.

"They had seen the ambulance and knew about our baby's death. They were shaken, and all remained indoors," he recalled later.

When they opened their front door, they found that their neighbors, after consulting a rabbi, had removed the baby's crib and all her clothes and toys. They also came in daily to bring food so the family wouldn't have to worry about meals during shiva. The Clymans "farmed out" all their others kids, except for a son who had chicken pox.

"When you lose your most precious possession, it brings out the real you... "

"When you lose your most precious possession, it brings out the real you... All souls come down to this world with a mission. Some missions take a long lifetime to complete, some take a few years, and some take not much time at all. Whatever our mission, once it's completed, there's no longer any need to be here."

Asking a friend what to tell Rena Nechama's siblings, he was told: "Just tell them the truth. 'Your baby sister has left this world and has gone back to the Creator of all souls. She no longer has to be here with us, and you now have a sister in Heaven.'"

"The visits were good, the phone calls were supportive, but in the end we would be facing our tremendous loss alone and together," writes Clyman. "We would be left with the children we still had, and a big, empty space in our lives. It was going to be a rough week, and so would the time after."

Clyman sat down right after the shiva to record his thoughts, and listened to the tapes every few years. When he heard that another couple had lost their baby to crib death, he would speak to them. "People asked if there was anything on the subject to read," he says in a recent interview. "I said there were books with segments about crib death. But I knew of nothing for the Jewish reader just about that. And they were rarely written by fathers. So I decided I would write a book. I wanted it to be short, and I wanted it to be me."

Neither of them consulted a psychologist about their loss, but Seth went to a course on bereavement that made it possible for him to counsel others. Asked why they had never marked a yahrtzeit (anniversary of death) or visited the grave, he explains: "I understand it is a collective grave over to the side, where newborns are buried and there is no marker. I've never had the urge to find out exactly where. She knows where we are, and we know where she is."

Still, Ellen continues to light nine candles before Shabbat for all their children -- including one for the baby they lost.

Unlike other cases, Clyman said the tragedy didn't cause a crisis in his marriage. "We had a houseful of kids. We had another girl two-and-a-half years later. We didn't suffer a crisis of faith; our belief became much stronger. It was a setback, but we've all grown from it."

On the fourth day of the shiva, a man who came over to console him said: "My friend, if you can get up off the floor after seven days and say God loves you, has given you so much, cares for you and always has, then you've sat shiva. God gave you a precious gift. He entrusted you with her, and you watched over her. He chose you to enable her soul to achieve its purpose... You must be special in God's eyes. I want you to know how many people you can strengthen at this time. You're falling into what appears to be a big, black hole, but when you land, you won't be the person you were a week ago. You'll never be the same. If you really sit shiva, you can start to deal with the reality of life in the face of death."

The family had a framed calligraphy drawn with verses in the Psalms that it donated to Hadassah's emergency room, where the baby had been taken. A little sign says it is in memory of the baby. "I go from time to time to make sure it's still there," says Clyman. "I hope it helps someone."

Would he want someone to name their own baby after Rena Nechama?

"I don't think so. Nobody offered. But it's too heavy and powerful a burden to name an infant after one who died. I prefer that good deeds are done in her memory."

What can anyone say when a baby dies in her crib without warning just 76 days after she was born? Perhaps the best answer, if any, is what one shiva visitor to the Clyman house told them: When you visit a family this has happened to, you will go home and appreciate your own children more.

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Visitor Comments: 3

(3)
Anonymous,
January 15, 2008 8:00 AM

I just read this book: It's a must read for ALL

I think that everyone should read this book, no matter what his challenges in life may be (and who doesn't have some of those??). Surely, it was not easy for Mr. Clyman to write such an accounting of such a painful episode in his family's life. But the thoughts that he gets across to his reader are so pure, that I'm sure he sees that it was worth the effort.He has obviously written this from a very deep place and it will be a helpful tool for everyone. It is NOT depressing, but very real. I think this is going to be a big bestseller once people realize how powerful it is!

(2)
ruth housman,
January 13, 2008 7:11 PM

loss

Love breaks all the rules. I am not sure there is any one way to grieve but surely this family mourns that loss and honors that child. There is nothing worse than the loss of a child. I mourn with them. I do believe her soul had a purpose and that the feelings of her family are right and that she is with God. I look for a butterfly when there is such loss and usually I find one or there is a sign that is comforting and that tells me that ultimately this story is about love.

(1)
Anonymous,
January 13, 2008 10:09 AM

Remembering

You've done your very best. Remember Rena Nechama with cherished love and realization that she had fulfilled that purpose, most likely with no knowledge of what that purpose was; and you continue to honor her and the rest of your precious children. Also I light four candles, to include my 8 month old daughter. It blesses me immensely to include her with thankfulness to Hashem for the great gift of my children. There is little we can say or do...but our G-d knows it all.

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I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...