How can I get my partner to help out more?

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Good communication is key to dividing household and childcare duties. Now that you have a baby, it's even more important for the two of you to talk about the changes you're going through. Then you can be clear with each other about how you see your new roles as parents.

One part of the problem may be in the way you're describing your partner's role at home.

Mums often complain that their partners don't "help". This implies that it's the mum's job to do childrearing and housework. Anything her partner does is "helping" her to perform her role. "Helping" is not the same as sharing responsibility.

Ask yourselves these questions about life before your baby:

Did you divide housework evenly, or did each of you own certain tasks and do others together?

Was one person's work outside the home seen as more demanding, important, or lucrative than the other's?

Did this affect how you shared household chores?

Did one person take care of the other more?

Thinking about these questions will help you to assess your situation more accurately.

Once you've thought through these questions, take the next steps:

Talk about your concerns

As you talk, think about what is bothering you the most and how you want to spend your time. Most couples can handle the demands of a busy work life, a relationship and a little housework. They may occasionally get overburdened and stressed out, but they survive.

What happens when a busy couple also tries to take care of a baby? A baby who needs to be fed, changed, rocked, and soothed for eight to 10 hours a day by parents who never sleep more than three hours at a stretch? A baby, who may be small, but who also generates a whole load of work that wasn't there before?

It's common for the mum's domestic workload to increase compared to the dad's. Meanwhile, the dad may increase his hours of paid work to help ends meet and still be doing more around the house than before.

Many couples find that they need to sit down and talk about the differences between their lives before and after parenthood. This should help you to understand that you've both had to give up a lot of time that you used to take for granted.

As you cope with so much less time and extra new pressures, you may each discover that you now have different priorities.

Let your partner take care of the baby

Some dads get involved in the care of their babies very early. They feel comfortable holding and soothing their babies and enjoy playing with them.

It is more common for men whose partners have had a caesarean birth to be more involved in the baby's care over time. Why? Because they have to be so involved during the first days when their partner is recovering from major surgery.

The dads start to feel necessary and competent and they stay that way. But others may take time to learn how to adjust to their new role. They may look to you for guidance. That's not to say that you get a caesarean to ensure your partner's help. Just let him know you need him and when he's done a good job, no matter how small.

Go easy on your partner

Many dads who are learning about babies are so sensitive to suggestions or criticism that they give up. You'll need to be aware of this and be willing to give up a little control.

Apart from breastfeeding, your partner can do everything it takes to care for a baby just as well as you can. Just like you, though, he'll need to practise. What's hard for some couples is that the practice time will inevitably involve their baby crying or seeming miserable.

If you really want your partner to be involved in caring for his baby, leave the room or the house while the two of them work out their own relationship.

Even if you're breastfeeding, you can feed your baby, hand him to your partner and go out for a walk. You'll come back refreshed, and dad and baby will have had a chance to bond.

Spend time enjoying each other's company

The early months of parenthood are probably making you feel as though you never have enough time to do anything. Even so, try as hard as you can to make time to talk to your partner often.

Some couples take an evening walk together while the baby sleeps in a buggy or sling. Other couples manage to get a babysitter so they can go out alone.

It's normal for your sex life to take a bit of a dip while you are recovering from the birth and getting less sleep.

How you can still show affection for each other. Make a point of holding hands, hugging each other or having a quick cuddle on the sofa. Talk about ways you have changed and need to keep changing.

As any experienced parent will tell you, this is just the beginning of a new life. Try to keep open the lines of communication and figure out ways to work as a team. Then your lives as parents will become more manageable as the years go by.

Last reviewed: January 2014

References

This article was written using the following sources:

Brotherson SE. 2007. From partners to parents: couples and the transition to parenthood. IJCE 22(2):7-12

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Comments

hi, new dad here. father to a 4 month old through caesarian. great tips on this site. my experience: the first few months were very tough in balancing work, baby and mom... i work from home most days which has helped a lot on all accounts. best advice i could give to moms trying to help ur partner with their daddy-baby relationship is to give them space to learn each other. Men will always like to be "know-it-alls" and being in a situation where you as the mother are now the "expert" it takes time switch gears and be the learner. Let him watch you with baby and then give him space to figure it out for himself. He'll catch on.

Wow this sounds just like my husband ! N I totally believe him I know my baby wants me but I tell him to bad(I know it sounds mean n I love her with all my heart I swear!!) Your her dad and you need to teach her she can trust you as much as me!! Shes 6 months old now And I volunteered for my older daughters Felid trip he agreed to take the day off n watch the baby all day (I'd pay 2 b a fly on the wall!! ) so it gets better put your foot down and stand your ground!!

I find it difficult to get the father of my son to try soothe the baby when his crying, he says the baby just wants me, I hardly have me time cause I'm afraid if I leave them the baby will be crying and he won't know how to deal that

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