Sunday, December 23, 2007

Not that I'm claiming to have had the worst year ever. I'm fully aware that there are many people who had a much worse year than I did. I didn't lose my job. Nobody close to me died. I didn't get seriously sick or hurt. I didn't total my car. Nobody I love was deployed to Iraq. Nobody stole my identity and wiped out my bank account (not this year, anyway). All my worldly posessions weren't swept away in a hurricane or tsunami.

Nonetheless...hurt is hurt. Pain is pain. Disillusionment is disillusionment. And heartache is...well, it's earth-shattering, to tell the truth. Heartache shakes you to your very core.

Heartache makes you unrecognizable to yourself. You become all those things that you hate; all those things that you pride yourself in NOT being: needy, clingy, whiney, weak. Heartache makes you question who you are. You don't just think "why did this happen?" but also "what is wrong with me?"

When you mourn for your lost dreams, heartache makes you think you have no right to still want those dreams. What is wrong with you to still want that life you had planned with that person who hurt you so much? Why can't you move on? Heartache keeps you up at night.