11 failed IUIs, IVF #1- miscarriage, FET #1-nada, IVF #2-triplets but we lost them all at 9, 18, and 21 weeks in 2013. When all hope was lost a friend stepped forward to be our gestational carrier and carried in our twins... 2 years later we decided to try for one more baby with me carrying again...this is our story

Pages

Kicking a Dead Horse

December 20, 2012

So many sayings out there but tonight I am experiencing the "kicking of a dead horse."

I have been surprisingly well since the D&C 10 days ago. I didn't even have to take any pain pills after the procedure. I had one rough day (on Friday I had bad cramps and heavier tissue) but other than that smooth sailing.

But then tonight happened. I fed my sister's baby a bottle (he's 9 weeks old) and came home to work on projects. My chest had been sore for almost the entire pregnancy and it recently stopped hurting. However, yesterday they were sore again.

A few hours ago, I realized I'm producing milk. I'm lactating. If I squeeze my nipples, warm, white milk comes out. Food for a baby that I will never feed. A strange and painful reminder of what I thought I had possibly overcame. A wave as sadness hit. If this isn't kicking a dead horse, I don't know what is.

However, the other part of it made us laugh. It's almost funny. It's nuts. I was only 8 weeks pregnant but Darren just figured since the baby is out, maybe my body thinks I gave birth? WEIRD. I was also happy to know that I CAN nurse down the road. 2 cousins that are blood related don't produce milk and I've always wondered if I will be able to (in comparison to infertility that's like the least of my concerns). But, at least I know I will.

So I sit here typing, with wet spots on my shirt letting life give me one more little kick. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right? :)

My Bucket List:

Meet the Bensons

Hi! I'm Holly and Darren is my husband. We have been married 5 years; after our 11th fertility treatment in 2013 we lost triplets (2 were stillborns in the 2nd tri). It nearly destroyed us. The day I delivered my son a friend emailed us and offered to carry some of our biological remaining embryos. The transfer was a success and we had twin boys born almost exactly a year-to-the-date later than when I delivered my son. If I'm not blogging about our journey, I'm teaching high school Spanish, drinking Starbucks, hanging out with family, eating candy-and then working it off at the gym. If you ever need to contact me directly you can at hollybenson10@yahoo.com or if you want to see more into our daily lives, my instagram is hbenson10

How Long We've Been At It:

JB

Babies in Heaven

We have had two miscarriages and 2 stillborns (born 3 weeks apart). I'm 50/50 on naming the early miscarriages but it gives me a sense of peace and reality of their lives. In heaven, I will call for them.

Jaden lost 11/2012 blighted ovum (my sister gave me the idea for this name, it means "God has heard" and he had because it was our 1st pregnancy)

Isaac lost 8/2013 everything was perfect and then stopped at 9 weeks (my sister is law gave me this idea. Isaac means "laughter" and everyone's first reaction to us having triplets was laughter)

Stillborn daughter born 10/30/13

Stillborn son Jude born @21 weeks 11/17/30

Infertility Treatment Journey

Me: 31 I have mild PCOS and ovulate very randomly (I respond to femera and on that have normal cycles)