Unless you are a creationist and do not believe that humans have evolved, you probably can identify some basic things we do that are more “instinct” than learned behavior. I think this behavior comes out the most when we become partners and parents.

There is a reason why women become experts in another woman’s body language* when she is interacting with her husband/boyfriend/partner. We know what that hand on the arm means so you better back the fuck up and get your Lee Press-Ons off my man, bitch! We are territorial about our loved ones and that has to be instinct…we don’t “learn” monogamy, it’s just there…for some. For others, not so much.

If I were blindfolded and had noise-cancelling ear covers** on, I could find my boys in sea of other crusty boys because I know how they SMELL. I can’t tell you how many times a day I smell the tops of their heads. My parents did the same thing, but I didn’t learn it from them, its a NEED I have. I need to keep a familiarity with their scent because one day I might turn into a Helen Keller-like mom and need to find them.

Think about the unwritten rules in our society. Maybe a lot of them are there because of instinct and not propriety. Maybe they are “unwritten” because we know them but don’t know why.

Seriously, if you are a man in a public restroom and you’re minding your own business and peeing in your own little drinking fountain and another man comes in and uses the little drinking fountain RIGHT next to you…yeah…I know. You’re thinking to yourself, “What the fuck is this shit? There are rules here buddy!” Some people may think that the unmanned drinking fountain between the peers is the “I’m Not Gay” buffer, but I don’t think so. I think it has more to do with the urge to mark territory…otherwise gay men wouldn’t care how close fellow peers are to them while they pee…but they do! They DO care. Or maybe men are just scared of being sprayed by neighbor pee by accident. I don’t know. I can’t claim to know what male instincts are because I’m not one.

Or how about this one…I think we have all experienced this one…you meet someone and know within minutes that you just don’t like them. Not only that, you think about slapping them. You fantasize about it. That person doesn’t even know either. You’re pretending to listing to “Susan” go on and on about the distinct personalities of her fucking house plants and in your mind you are imagining her expression after you take her by surprise with a high-five to her smug face. A good one too, one that leaves the marks of your fingers. Yeah…that HAS to be instinct.

Or maybe I am just a bitch. Look, I am not a fucking anthropologist.

Maybe I am way off base here with all of this shit. All I know is that I smell my kids, I can be jealous of other women around MY man and I really want to slap some people. I don’t care if I pee next to someone though, that’s a weird dude thing…but I will do everything in my power not to rip one in a public restroom.

And also…I have been drinking wine.

*Ursula, Little Mermaid…you know the drill

**Wouldn’t these be cool to have if you are a parent or work at a job or live near people or have ears.

One Response to Basic Instincts to Sniff Stuff

Second, yes, there are some times I want to go all Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies and punch Bill Paxton in the fucking face. But I hold back, because, well, mostly I just don’t want to go to jail for assault.

And third, it’s not a gay buffer (who cares? It’s not like they’re in the bathroom to hit on random people) or a pee buffer, it’s more of a privacy thing for me. It’s true, though. If you walk into a restroom and there isn’t a urinal without someone next to it, you just turn around and walk out, because man, you just don’t DO that.

But seriously, I’ve walked into a restroom and there is pee under the urinal. Are you so uncoordinated that you can’t hit a urinal, even with a drip lip? Some people..