Who is Response-Able to Resolve Your Conflicts?

Johnny got into another fight at school. He sat in the office, again.
He just seems to keep getting into trouble. He says he does not know why
he keeps getting into fights. He says it is always the other person's fault.
He really does not have a choice. If he were to back down he would be laughed
at and get no respect. He does not think anyone understands. If they did,
they would agree with him. What was he to do? What was the school or his
parents to do? They were all lucky; the answer was on its way.

That afternoon the school had scheduled a unique presentation on nonviolent
conflict resolution. It was not the usual assembly. The presenters walked
in wearing martial art uniforms. They opened by attacking each other. Instead
of striking back, the defender would simply move aside and let the attacker's
own momentum carry them. It seemed effortless and too good to be true.
However, it certainly got the children's attention, especially Johnny's.

The presenters represented an aikido school. They dedicate themselves
to nonviolent conflict resolution and promoting personal and social responsibility.
Aikido is a nonviolent noncompetitive martial art containing no direct
hitting or kicking. It literally means "the way of harmonizing energy"
but many refer to it as "the way of peace."

The presenter talked about violence being the last option. He further
explained that violence is usually an expression of anger. Anger is a protective
reaction to being hurt. After all, if it does not hurt we tend not to get
angry. He further explained that the hurt comes from taking what other
people say or do far too personally. If they like us or not, it's actually
about them, not us. Another source of anger is fear. He explained fear
as believing a fantasized experience to be real. Violence, instead of being
an act of strength, is really an act of weakness.

The presenters began to demonstrate the power of the mind. First they
showed how negative thinking and lies make the body weaker and that the
truth and positive thoughts make one strong. They further demonstrated
this by showing how by using the mind the arm could become unbendable.
Johnny began to understand that mental discipline was as important as physical
discipline. The emphasis seemed to be on staying balanced and centered.
Controlling yourself is more important than controlling others. It is also
easier.

Next came the chalkboard. The presenters drew three figures on it, a
triangle, a square, and a circle. They said they were going to demonstrate
our response options. They divided the word, "responsible" into "response"
and "able". They suggested that the ability to respond gave you options
that simply reacting did not. The first response option was the fight option.
They took two triangles and ran the points into each other. The students
all stood up and walked into each other. This was familiar to Johnny. The
second option was the flight reaction. Both triangles pointed the same
direction with the one chasing the other. The third response was to freeze.
The triangle just ran into the square. The students all practiced these
options too. The fourth option was the flow response. As the triangle came
towards the circle, the circle just rolled up its side and continued on
its way. The students all practiced this simple circular movement to avoid
the oncoming attack. This is the basic footwork for aikido.

To demonstrate the flow response more dramatically, the presentation team
began attacking each other. The individual in the center just kept spinning
out of the way. He did not even block or touch the oncoming attackers.
The faster they attacked him, the easier it was to get out of the way.

The presenter asked us what we all wanted in life. Johnny remembered
he wanted respect. They asked how he went about getting it. He said he
got angry and got into fights. Did that get him respect? they asked. No,
it only got him into trouble and laughed at. Therefore, it did not work.
When asked further, Johnny was able to see that he wanted respect so that
people would like him and so that he would feel like he belonged. They
asked him which response, the triangle, square, or circle would best get
him what he really wanted. Johnny admitted the circle would work better.
He had a smile on his face. So did the presenters, the teachers, and many
of his fellow students.

The presenters finished the assembly with a demonstration of more aikido
moves. Though it was similar to the one demonstrated in the beginning,
the audience began to understand why it worked and how the same principles
could be used to solved everyday problems. The students became more "response-able"
and were learning to resolve their conflicts without using violence.

Dr. Lynn Seiser is an internationally respected psychotherapist,
consultant, trainer, speaker, and writer with over twenty years of direct
clinical experience in the treatment of offenders and victims of violence,
trauma, and abuse. Dr. Seiser enjoys a positive reputation of his work
in holistic recovery from addictions and his emphasis on healthy relationships.
Dr. Seiser founded Aiki-Solutions to teach nonviolent conflict prevention,
management, and resolutions as well as to provide consultation and training
in sport psychology, strategic performance enhancement, and tactical mental
discipline Dr. Seiser can be e-mailed at SeiserL@AOL.com
and maintains a web site at http://members.aol.com/SeiserL/index.html.
To discuss the benefits of his services, to make a referral, or to make
an appointment please contact Dr. Seiser at 550 Pacific Coast Hwy, Suite
203 Seal Beach, CA 90740 USA or phone 562-799-1371. Dr. Seiser thanks you
for the opportunity to be of service and for sharing the journey.