OnlyTzaras Brings Despair and Simcha to the Web

Feeling
depressed? Do you think you have the worst luck in the world? Do you regularly
forget your medication? Don't worry, you can now see so many people who are much
worse off at OnlyTzaras.com!

“I was all
farklempt (Yiddish for disgruntled, unsettled and generally upset)
yesterday, because my cake didn’t come out right, and I missed the sale at
Macy’s” said distraught housewife Mindy Kellerman. “But then I read about that
guy who accidentally sold his children on eBay, and I just had to smile. I mean,
seriously, how bad can it get? I heard the buyer even got free shipping. It’s
funny because it happened to someone else.” Indeed, the tzaras craze has caught
on like wildfire fed by gasoline.

As the first
online photo network where the public can post digital pictures of recent Tzaras
(Yiddish for troubles), OnlyTzaras has seen tremendous growth since its launch,
less than three days ago. The site is the brainchild of local nogoodnik[1]
Yankel Hertzplang and a mysterious hooded stranger known only as “Mr.
Squinkwopper.” When asked for comment, Hertzplang said “what, do you want I
should be happy for people? These days, laughing at others is chic.
Just look at the reality TV craze! In any case, let’s talk about what this is
really about. So many people think that “sharing is caring” and “misery loves
company” and “you can’t chew with someone else’s teeth[2].”
They’re idiots! What about me? Me! ME! ME!” He then commenced jumping about
the room in an awkward chicken-like fashion. We slowly edged towards the door
and escaped. Mr. Squinkwopper was unavailable for comment, but said something
about “an army of zombie ninjas.”

The response from
the rabbinic world was mixed. At first, many prominent rebbeim were encouraged
to sign a cheirem against the two founders and against anyone using the site.
The rebbeim in question apparently thought that the site contained discussions
on modern science. When it was made clear that the site was OnlyTzaras, and
not OnlyScience, the rebbeim hastily revoked their cheirem. In fact, some
rebbeim even admitted to perusing the site as a guilty pleasure. As one rav,
who went by the alias “Rabbi Yussi Goldenshplat” said, “Sometimes, you need a good
cry. Sometimes, you just need to wallow in despair. Other people’s despair, I
mean. Did you see the pictures of the kid that fell down the well –
again? We just got him out yesterday, and back he goes. I had to laugh at that
one. Then I thought about how cold and scared and lonely he must be down there,
while I’m in my nice warm house. Then I laughed again.”

OnlyTzaras, we
salute you. You have made our lives worth living by showing us that others’
lives aren’t.

[1]
Also called “ne’er-do-well,” “varmint,” “hoodlum,” “hooligan,” and “hey
you, come back here with my purse!”

[2]
This is a real Yiddish saying. No kidding. Another favorite is: “If one man calls you a donkey, ignore him. If two men call you a donkey,
think about it. If three men call you a donkey, buy a saddle.”
Those crazy Yids.