My sister has just informed me that her second wedding will take place within a day or so of my 50th birthday, next year. I donít expect nor have I asked her to move the date Ė and she flat out told me she would not be doing so. However, as this is a milestone birthday for me, I really donít want to spend it flying cross-country to watch her marry a guy Iíve never even met. Neither do I want to feel as though any celebration I may wish to have, would interfere with that of her wedding.

She seems to feel that I donít ďcareĒ about her special day. I told her that although I DO care, I have to be honest in saying that unfortunately, turning 50 will only happen once in my lifetime. As we both know, unfortunately weddings are no longer such isolated events. Iím glad sheís found love again, but we have a bit of a conflict regarding how to handle our respective special days this time.

Not that this matters (or maybe it does), but Iíve lived on this side of the country for 13 years. Not ONCE has this sister (or my other two sisters) been to visit me. I saw my brother when he was out her for business, once about four years ago. My mother has been out twice in 13 years. ALL of them have traveled elsewhere for vacations, etc. Yet ďIím the one expected to drop everything and go back when they think the situation requires my presence. I have notÖexcept for my grandmotherís funeral in 2004. Simply canít afford it Ė among other things. Though finances play little part in my current decision not to attend my sisterís wedding.

So what say ye E-Hellions? Am I being rude here? If so, I need some help adjusting the hot seat. Thanks!

"Oh, I'm sorry I won't be able to make it....I already have plans. But I wish you the absolute best, and I hope you have a wonderful day!"

The cynic in me says that sis knew that it was your birthday (and which one it was), and wanted to put you on the spot to see if you would come. Then when you didn't (don't), she'll have something to complain about. And look....she's already complaining! Some people are just like that.

My sister has just informed me that her second wedding will take place within a day or so of my 50th birthday, next year. I donít expect nor have I asked her to move the date Ė and she flat out told me she would not be doing so. However, as this is a milestone birthday for me, I really donít want to spend it flying cross-country to watch her marry a guy Iíve never even met. Neither do I want to feel as though any celebration I may wish to have, would interfere with that of her wedding.

She seems to feel that I donít ďcareĒ about her special day. I told her that although I DO care, I have to be honest in saying that unfortunately, turning 50 will only happen once in my lifetime. As we both know, unfortunately weddings are no longer such isolated events. Iím glad sheís found love again, but we have a bit of a conflict regarding how to handle our respective special days this time.

Not that this matters (or maybe it does), but Iíve lived on this side of the country for 13 years. Not ONCE has this sister (or my other two sisters) been to visit me. I saw my brother when he was out her for business, once about four years ago. My mother has been out twice in 13 years. ALL of them have traveled elsewhere for vacations, etc. Yet ďIím the one expected to drop everything and go back when they think the situation requires my presence. I have notÖexcept for my grandmotherís funeral in 2004. Simply canít afford it Ė among other things. Though finances play little part in my current decision not to attend my sisterís wedding.

So what say ye E-Hellions? Am I being rude here? If so, I need some help adjusting the hot seat. Thanks!

(Mods, please move this, if I havenít posted in the right place.)

Speaking to the bolded, I would have to say that your family's expectation must spring eternal if you they expect you to jump whenever anything happens and yet you haven't since 2004!

Stop thinking about what they think/want/expect.

Do what you want!

"Sis, I will be there in spirit, but I already have plans for that weekend!"

Nothing rude about it. In fact, I think its rather rude of your sister to tell you the date and then say that she's not going to change it because of your birthday, implying that you would be rude enough to insist.

Thank you for the replies. I was doubting myself a little and the input here, as always, has been very helpful.

My sister told me that she was letting me know a year in advance, so that I could make sure to get the time off work Ė and that I WOULD be there. She thinks my take on the subject is ďstupidĒ and has told me that she really doesnít care if I choose not to be there. Iím never there for my family anyway. (Passive-aggressive much?) Sheíll just go ahead and scratch me off the invitation list Ė but Iíll regret it.

GeeÖcolor me crazy, but given her attitude, I somehow sincerely doubt that.

You are not being rude. I might claim poverty in this situation, just so I didn't have to argue with my family about whether a second wedding is more important than a 50th birthday.

Although this sounds good in theory what if some 'generous soul' just happens to come up with extra money for a flight? I would just say I have previous plans even if they are washing the car in the rain, it sounds like more fun than this wedding would probably be for you!

I take issue with your sister! When I got married, my now DH asked me if we could get married on a certain weekend in March. It is a month that means something to him. It was also my best friend and would-be MoH's birthday that day. I called and asked her if I could get married on her birthday. I did NOT demand that she reschedule any events or change things she was planning. If it didn't work for her, fine. I would change my wedding.

I agree with the poster that said she did this to see what you would say/do. 50 is a big year and you should celebrate it how you see fit! Have fun and let it all hang out, girl!!

As someone who also likes to celebrate every birthday as "My Day" (so I really do sympathize with the OP), this thread brings this to mind:

What Dave Barry Learned in 50 Years: There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

Yes, you only turn 50 once in your life but your sister will only marry this man once. If you can afford it, can you go and use this as your 50th birthday celebration by exploring this different part of the country? Is there somewhere reasonably nearby that you've always sort of wanted to visit?

I'm not saying your wrong to want to celebrate your birthday your way. But please don't expect the world to stop (or your sister to change her plans). We don't know why that date was chosen. perhaps it is a special day for her and her fiance for reasons you don't know.)

Whatever you decide, happy the happiest of birthdays and may your sister and her husband have the happiest wedding day.

Honestly, even for a milestone birthday I would just shift my celebaration to the weekend before or after. However, I have adifferent relationship with my siblngs.

I'm the same. My sisters are my best friends. No way I would miss out on a sister's wedding just because it's my birthday - nor would I feel it 'off' if they planned their wedding for my birthday weekend. This is said as somebody who usually guards her birthday very jealously, so it's not that I find my birthday unimportant, it's just no skin off my nose to celebrate it some other day.

However, that's a relationship issue and not an etiquette issue. Etiquette-wise, you're completely in the clear.

Honestly, even for a milestone birthday I would just shift my celebaration to the weekend before or after. However, I have adifferent relationship with my siblngs.

me too.

but i don't make a big deal about my birthdays. and since my sibs and i live on different continents, ~12 hour flight away, we all make an effort to celebrate milestone events (weddings, bar mitsvas etc) when possible. obviously, things are different for the OP.

MD- obviously there is a lot of history here. it would be a nice thing for you to do to make it to the wedding. but you aren't being rude if you don't.

I just noticed that the actual wedding date is "within a day or so" of the OP's 50th. I wrote my previous post thinking it was on the actual date itself.

I'm sorry but personally I don't think that's enough of an excuse to miss your sister's wedding. If you don't want to go, then don't. If you can't afford to go, then don't. But I don't think you can use the excuse of your birthday to get out of it.

It does sound like there's a lot of history here. I hope all concerned can overcome it.

As someone who also likes to celebrate every birthday as "My Day" (so I really do sympathize with the OP), this thread brings this to mind:

What Dave Barry Learned in 50 Years: There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

Yes, you only turn 50 once in your life but your sister will only marry this man once. If you can afford it, can you go and use this as your 50th birthday celebration by exploring this different part of the country? Is there somewhere reasonably nearby that you've always sort of wanted to visit?

I'm not saying your wrong to want to celebrate your birthday your way. But please don't expect the world to stop (or your sister to change her plans). We don't know why that date was chosen. perhaps it is a special day for her and her fiance for reasons you don't know.)

Whatever you decide, happy the happiest of birthdays and may your sister and her husband have the happiest wedding day.

I'm not seeing any indication in the OP that she wants her sister or anybody else to even care about her birthday, just that she herself cares about it and doesn't want to spend it away from home at the second wedding of a sister she isn't close to.

She graciously declined going to the wedding for a legitimate reason and os now being criticised for it. That has nothing to do with wanting the world to stop.

My sister told me that she was letting me know a year in advance, so that I could make sure to get the time off work Ė and that I WOULD be there. She thinks my take on the subject is ďstupidĒ and has told me that she really doesnít care if I choose not to be there. Iím never there for my family anyway.

Well golly , how could you turn down such a heartwarming invitation summons as that ?

The fact that she told you she doesn't even care if you're there is enough for me . I would make trimming my toenails a higher -priority event . And the PA remark would ensure a lovely card that read :

For your wedding , I give you the gift of knowing that I will always live up to your expectations .

But definitely have an extra glass of champagne in their honor , while you celebrate your Fabulous Fiftieth in style .

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