Thursday, June 5, 2008

The Five Stages to Golf Greatness

I have to admit that I'm starting to get concerned about my upcoming World Championship of One-on-One Golf that pits me against the big dog, Tiger Woods. I'm no longer confident that I will win.

Do you remember the plot of the original Rocky? The basic idea was that Apollo Creed, World Heavyweight Champion and all-American badass, was so good that he couldn't find anybody worth fighting, except one guy who was out of town or something. Anyway, the problem was that he still wanted to make a whole bunch of money by winning a fight against some loser. Hmmm. That is a pickle.

So despite his room full of advisers telling him that there was simply no way he could make a whole bunch of money under these particular circumstances, he stood his ground. He believed in America (you could tell by his boxing shorts), and in himself, and his ability to manufacture a hyped-up media event that people would pay for purely because of his track record and would inevitably be disappointed by once they saw it. Kinda like all the Pirates of the Carribean sequels or the Hillary Clinton candidacy. (On the other hand, Bill and Hill look pretty cool in that picture. Not Wilson Pickett cool, but still.)

Anyway, Apollo Creed comes up with the idea of giving some local Philadelphia boy a chance at the title on July 4, 1976 (the Bicentennial, which was cool, for those of you not old enough to have been there.) In other words, get some good looking doofus who didn't stand a chance and make everybody want to see if he could somehow magically beat the champ.

I'm pretty sure that's what Tiger's got in mind. I'm the good-looking palooka with no chance. Or so he thinks.

And maybe he's right. As I understand it, there are five steps to golf greatness, and I just have to work through them in time for our match. Here's a short summary of them.

Step 1: Shame and Disarray. When you first start golfing, it's an unholy sight that no person should have to see. Like those Pirates sequels I mentioned before. Every time you pick up a club to take a swing, your ancestors lose face in the afterlife, if you believe in that kind of thing. Holes are dug; balls are chased; boundaries are violated, and if you're not lucky, property is damaged and local obscenity ordinances are violated. Estimated time: six months.

Step 2: Disgust and Disappointment. The problem with this phase is that you're better enough to expect a little more, but not better enough to do it with anywhere near the consistency that enables you to look like you're participating in an athletic activity instead of an Easter Egg Hunt. Even Nick Faldo only mocks you with his golfing skills and suave good looks. (That makes me think of this Simpson's moment. You can thank me later for introducing the phrase "Stupid Sexy Flanders!" into your vocabulary.) Estimated time: hmmm...not sure. Haven't left it yet.

As a matter of fact, I seem to be short of info on the rest of the other steps, too. Wait, let me rifle through my notes...

Oh, here's something...let's see.

Ok, here we go.

Step 5: Be Tiger Woods.

Dang.

(If you know what the other steps are, comment them, and I'll be sure and write about them. Also, I'll put out a new contest tomorrow.)