This life is a beautiful labyrinth to embrace, and I choose to live in a state of grace as often as possible. My reflections here speak to these moments of living in grace, celebrating and honoring life just as it is. I invite you to honor the distinctive labyrinth of your own life, knowing that yours may look very different from others' labyrinths.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Honoring our boundaries while serving

Many of us were raised to be pleasers. For some of us, we also have the innate personality that makes us highly sensitive to not disappointing others. Pleasing others is the subconscious programming many of us internalize that creates martyrdom and self-abandonment. We ignore our own needs and desires, do what causes us discomfort or even pain, all in the name of wanting to make someone else happy. We tell ourselves that we’re being of service. However, being of service doesn’t require us to abandon ourselves. We can still serve authentically without having to dishonor our boundaries.

This past week really made me come face to face with the above. No matter how many years I’ve already spent excavating the learned rules of how to behave and what to do since I was a kid, deeper layers of forgotten “should”s still sneak up on me every now and then. It’s just like what I wrote in my book: Old beliefs and programming are like layers of an onion. Until we peel away the outer layers, the deeper ones can’t be exposed. That’s why, releasing old subconscious programming is a process. The good news is that when old rules come up, we have the opportunities to release them--that is, as long as we have the consciousness to recognize and accept the opportunities.

I mentioned in last week’s article that I was going to a wedding as the Maid of Honor. The wedding turned out to be absolutely beautiful, and the bride was ecstatic to have her fairytale come true. It was very special to be part of this experience. Especially during the ceremony, I couldn’t keep my eyes dry. I’m thoroughly thrilled for the couple.

With all that said, for me personally, the evening did not end on a high note. The culprit? The dreaded bouquet toss. I knew it was part of the program, but it never dawned on me that I’d be required to participate in it. The DJ repeatedly and obnoxiously declared into the microphone my single status, refuting my personal claim, as if he had the right to do so. When I didn’t budge, I was personally escorted to join a group of women who, too, wished they could find a place to hide. It was utterly humiliating. I was grossly unprepared for that moment, and couldn’t lift myself from the humiliation.

That experience was hard to stomach for several reasons. First, and most importantly, although my legal marital status is single, I haven’t been single in a long time. (That’s a whole different article altogether!) To be forced to accept an attribution with which I don’t identify deeply violated my personal liberties. Besides, in principle, I have real difficulties with the antiquated ritual of lining up a bunch of single women to catch a bouquet. Is that really fun or necessary? For whom? That’s why, when I got married in 2002, I skipped this part of the program to spare my single friends of truly unnecessary embarrassment.

I could continue licking my wounds of having been publicly humiliated. However, as with all experiences that are hard to swallow, they are opportunities to let go of that which no longer serves us. In this case, the first forgotten old belief that needed to go surrounds the social judgments around being a legally single woman in her 40s. This is clearly a bigger social issue that could be debated till the cows come home. Personally, though, what matters is that I know my own Truth in my heart. When I regained grounding in this awareness, it became clear that the humiliation I felt was only a judgment, a really harsh one notwithstanding. By letting this judgment go, I release the feelings of humiliation.

The bigger lesson from this experience is a reminder to honor my boundaries while wanting to serve. I had made it my mission since accepting the role of Maid of Honor to give the bride what she wanted. I could have held firm about not joining in the bouquet toss had I been in the right level of consciousness. No one could force me to do anything I didn’t wish to accept. Ultimately, I yielded to a ritual with which I personally disagree at multiple levels, because I forgot to represent my rights and boundaries. I abandoned myself in that moment, all in the name of not wanting to mar the auspicious occasion for my dear friend. She would have completely understood my position had I simply explained it. Under any circumstance, it’s alwaysmy responsibility to tend to my own boundaries, lest I give my power away, by grudgingly yielding to external expectations and “should”s.

In closing, this article wasn’t easy to write, as it’s deeply personal. However, when I took it into meditation this morning as to whether to write this piece, I got crystal clear guidance to remain authentic. Just as I was directed to share a lot of myself in my book, continuing to share authentically what I learn from working through struggles of my lower human self remains a key part of my calling to serve. I hope you can take my story as a case study for looking at difficult human experiences with a higher consciousness--and for being open to harvesting the gifts they bear. Namaste.

5 comments:

Thanks for sharing, Alice. As a fellow "people pleaser," I can so relate to your situation and concern of boundaries. It's a lifelong struggle and lesson to learn so thank you for being so vulnerable and giving hope that we can be authentic to ourselves while still serving others.

Your level of honesty and vulnerability are endearing - they bring you closer to us. Thank you for being willing to show up as your beautiful self.

I understand how difficult it can be to have a love affair with the Divine ... to know and feel the closeness of that love ... when you are in the midst of people who would think you were crazy if you said it out loud and want you to catch the bouquet. You already HAVE the bouquet!

Tammi, thank you for taking the time to comment on my posting. Good to remind ourselves that we don't have to sacrifice ourselves to serve.

Jane, thank you for what you said and for your support. Indeed, the bouquet I caught quite some time ago is absolutely magnificent and will continue to blossom in many ways and at many levels - in and transcending this human incarnation!

Thank you for writing this, Alice. Thank you for opening yourself up and being truly authentic. We are all on this journey together, and your being vulnerable inspires others to feel strong enough to do the same. So extra big hug to you. Bravo for looking within and continuing the process of staying conscious. I'm so glad we're friends. XO

Thank you, Jodi! It's the mutual support and inspiration that move us forward as a community. I read your blog every day, and am so impressed that you have such words of wisdom flowing on a daily basis! Keep it up, girlfriend!

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About Me

I'm an author, speaker and coach, and, most of all, a lifelong student and practitioner of conscious living. I'm most passionate about helping others empower themselves to live passionately and joyfully in love and grace, always honoring who they are and where they are on their path.
I'm really excited about my recently released book on self-empowerment, titled "REACH Your Dreams: Five Steps to be a Conscious Creator in Your Life." It's a five-step system to help readers shift from approaching life as victims of circumstances to being powerful creators of desired experiences.
Prior to devoting my energy to spreading the message of REACH to help as many people as possible, I've been truly blessed with great career success as a former award-winning researcher and professor at Cornell University, and a market research and business consultant.
Visit my official website at www.dralicechan.com to learn more and to download a *FREE* REACH Your Dreams companion workbook.