Tuesday, December 7, 2010

We all know that the cover art on a movie case is in no way a reflection of what’s inside. In fact, there’s an inverse relationship between the quality of artwork vs. the quality of the film – I’m looking at you Viking Massacre.

looks like awesome, but trust me – you would rather rent Glitter. Honest.

Ok I am here to help you make a decision with the only criteria that should be setting the standard for you – “Is There An Architect In It, And How Awesome Is He/She?” ‘Cus Hollywood loves themselves some architects.

Let’s a take a peek at what gems are out there…

DEATHWISH (1974)

This was probably one of the first real urban vengeance flicks. For some reason movies from the 70s were always dirty. And I don’t mean just dirty streets or smoggy air. It’s like the camera’s filming had a sweat setting – everyone looked oily. Works with this one. And here you have the biggest badass architect of em all – Charles Bronson.

“Hey you – are you spraying graffiti on that building that at once contains an approach underscored by the industrial locale and the lucid, yet poetically expressed articulation of what is old and what is new?”

Bang.

Bang.

Dead.

Go Bronson.

3 MEN AND A BABY (1987)

Tom Seleck.

Architect.

Player.

FEARLESS (1993)

Jeff Bridges.

Architect.

Fearless.

BELLY OF AN ARCHITECT (1987)

Brian Dennehey hangs out in Rome, sends postcards to long dead architect, Boulet, and generally behaves very European. He also acts a little obsessive over tummies.

On the plus size you have here a Greenaway Film, and every time this guy makes a film he’s practically designing a building, so you can have fun with his flicks on a purely visceral level without even caring about the plot, 'cus i'm pretty sure he's never cared himself.

THE FOUNTAINHEAD (1949)

Architect blows up his own building simply because the client makes some changes to the design.AND he gets away with it simply by telling people thatIf You Are As Awesome As Me, You Should Get To Do This Sort Of Thing.

That’s Ayn Rand in a nutshell.

It makes perfect sense.

Special bonus: He turns on the chicks with his sexy skills working a jackhammer.

THE ARCHITECTURE OF DOOM (1989)

Unfortunately not about an elite squad of architect mercenaries but instead a very convincing documentary about everyone’s favorite assholes the Nazis – with the idea that the entire third Reich was nothing more then a failed art movement.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS (1956)

Yes, in case you forgot – Moses was the pharaoh’s chief ARCHITECT. Not to mention that this is a straight up awesome film – this was made when movies were meant to be Very Big Things. How can things go wrong with Charleton Heston AND Yul Bryner? You also get some of the weirdest one liners in any film.

“God opens the sea with the blast of his nostrils!”

I don’t know why, but I laughed till I peed when first heard this.

Movie Spoiler – Moses gets screwed in the end. Thanks a lot, God.

BEETLEJUICE (1988)

Ok there are actually no architects in this – but hear me out on this one. This film is essentially about a clash of architectonics. This couple dies and as ghosts they are stuck in the small town vernacular home of their own creation, but find themselves clashing with the new [alive] owners because these guys want to redesign the building according to their big city avant-garde aesthetics. Battle it out, architects! It’s a treatise on the relationship between architect and client, and the compromise that comes during the design process.

Plus Winona Ryder and Batman are in it.

INCEPTION (2010)

So these guys steal stuff in other people’s brains but the only way to do it right is to get Ellen Page, super architect, to design the virtual spaces. Yah maaaan, she creates architecture that you visit IN YOUR MIND. That’s some groovy stuff right there.

INDECENT PROPOSAL (1993)

This movie is basically a rip off of an old joke:Guy walks up to girl and says "Hey would you sleep with me for 5 bucks?" and she says" Hell No" so he says " How about 1 Million Dollars?" and she says "Yeah probably" and then he says " How about 20 bucks?" and she says " Hey What do you think I am?" and he says "We've already established What you are, now we're just negotiating your price".

Bah Dump .... psshhhhhhhhh!

This movie is to be given a low score for two reasons - first Woody is a lame architect who whines all the time [architects don't whine, we brood] and secondly they changed the original plot cus Redford took a look at the script and basically said he wouldn't do it unless Demi was so blown away by his awesome sexin' that she would run back to him. Methinks Redford is suffering some inadequacy issues.