Emotions Of Bereavement, Not Its Trappings, Are Important

August 21, 1985|By Judith Martin.

Dear Miss Manners--Neither my family nor the hospital informed me when my uncle died of cancer. I read about it in the newspapers.

I put on a black suit, dark shoes and stockings and drove over to his house, where the family was assembled, preparing to drive in procession to the memorial service at church and then to the graveside ceremony.

My uncle`s passing from this world was a great loss to me, although he and I had disagreed about how the world should be run and by whom. Before he became ill we had some heated discussions, which upset us both, about the meaning and purpose of life. But I loved him.

The rest of the family did not know it, but all our differences were reconciled, and we forgave each other two weeks before he died.

What bothers me now is that my presence at the funeral was resented by his wife and his son. I think, too, that my wearing black clothes was misunderstood. I was, as it turned out, the only one who dressed that way. I cannot repair my mistake, I`m afraid. I feel that even to make reference to the way I dressed at the funeral would be petty, as well as pointless.

Gentle Reader--Your problem--one that can and must be cleared up--has to do with the emotions of bereavement, not its trappings. Your uncle`s widow and son had cause to believe that you were on bad terms with your uncle when he died. In their grief, shunning you was an exaggerated, but understandable, form of loyalty. If you did not care for him alive, they must have reasoned, you should not pretend to do so at his death.

Only you know that this was not the case. You have eloquently convinced Miss Manners that you loved your uncle in spite of your philosophical differences, and that you were even able to let him know this before he died. Tell the rest of the family. It will make an enormous difference.

Mourning clothes are, of course, a symbol of bereavement, and what your relatives resented was your seeming to make a show of what they thought you did not feel.

While it is true that people seldom dress properly for funerals anymore

--proper dress being black for the family and subdued, dark clothing for friends--it is certainly not inappropriate to do so. Had your relatives believed that you were genuinely grief-stricken, they would not have objected.