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WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

LONGYEARBYEN, NORWAY—Hoping to ensure the survival of the popular women’s cut in the event of a global catastrophe, officials announced Thursday the addition of the inverted bob to the Supercuts Arctic Vault, a secure state-of-the-art facility that preserves the world’s hairstyles for future generations.

WASHINGTON—Saying that the huge breach of trust clearly violated journalistic ethics, White House aides confirmed Thursday that Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was not on the record when he issued the deafening, atonal howl that caused a reporter’s head to explode.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.

BOSTON–Snuggling up together in the peaceful serenity of the Massachusetts General Hospital radiology room, sources confirmed Thursday that New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski was surprised by his girlfriend with an afternoon of relaxing couple’s CAT scans.

BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying.

GRAND BLANC, MI—In updates that reportedly were becoming both increasingly frequent and less interesting with every new addition, local woman Kate Morris was now just typing her 4-year-old child’s every word verbatim throughout the day as Facebook posts, sources said Thursday.

CHICAGO—Saying that he alone could determine the legitimacy the woman’s claim, area man Luke Haggerty will be the judge of whether coworker Delia Carroll is actually a true baseball fan, sources confirmed Wednesday.

GLENDALE, AZ—Saying he was not ready to hang up his cleats just yet, Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald told reporters Wednesday that he’s confident he still has a couple lousy seasons that undercut his entire career left in him.

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he didn’t even have a moment to consider his decision, local man Stephen Ashbury acknowledged to reporters Wednesday that he acted on pure instinct when he stood and watched a robbery occur.

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

These Tropical-Colored Braces Are Going To Get You So Much Ass

Walking out of this office with braces for the first time can be a difficult ordeal, and I understand you probably feel insecure about how it will affect your appearance. You probably think the best way to go is to pick the colors of your favorite sports team or maybe a nice blue to match your eyes—but you would be making the biggest mistake of your young life. That is why, based on my 25 years of orthodontic experience, I can confidently say that the aqua-blue, green, and purple ligatures I have just applied to your teeth are going to put you eyeball-deep in tail before you know it.

Trust me, nothing, and I mean nothing, gets girls wetter than a guy sporting a mouthful of tropical-colored braces.

Now that you're rocking these awesome Caribbean-inspired rubber bands, you should consider investing in a snorkel, because you're about to be swimming in pussy. The second you walk into that homeroom tomorrow morning and smile that exotic smile of yours, there are going to be so many girls itching to give it up that you're going to have to beat them off with a stick. Your stick.

Take it from me, red and black elastics would have scared the girls away, and green and blue would have made you look like a Dorkus Supremo, but this tropical color combination says that you're cool, laid-back, and ready for some hot, all-night-long action to the intoxicating rhythms of calypso music. Once you get used to flossing after every meal and the occasional mouth sore, the only question will be: Are you prepared for all that poontang? It's going to take all your power not to sneak off to the bleachers during lunch just to get your noodle wet.

The Sixth-Grade Ass King—that's what they're going to call you. But only if you remember to brush after every meal and avoid peanut butter and really hard pretzels.

This is just the beginning. I've always said the brighter the bands and the tighter the archwires, the looser the women. And judging by that underbite of yours, you're going to have years and years of easy tail coming your way—at least for the rest of high school and probably into your sophomore year of college.

And hoo boy, once you hit the college level, it's like a whole new ball game. Not only do universities supply some of the best ass in the game, but tropical-colored braces set a mood that drives college girls completely wild—palm trees, exotic birds, gentle breezes, succulent fruits, and water so blue that it makes chicks want to rip off their clothes and dive right in. And guess what? You're the water. Just make sure you cap off your all-night-sex-fests with a thorough brushing and an oral rinse.

Yes, sir. Nothing gets those college girls humming like orthodontic realignment appliances, and by the looks of your X-rays, you're going to have it all: oral spacers, bite splints, maxillomandibular osteotomy to push back your protruding mandible. If everything stays on schedule you are going to have your jaw wired shut for at least a month when you're 18. But don't mention that to my receptionist Sue—she's a married woman!

Remember, you're only guaranteed to get some if you wear your top-to-bottom rubber bands all the time, and I can tell when you aren't wearing them so don't lie to me.

When I was younger, I would have killed to enjoy the kinds of severe malocclusions you have. But sadly, I never had the opportunity to put tropical-colored—or even neon—elastics in my mouth because my teeth came in pretty straight. I had to wait until I was 19 to lose my virginity. That's not going to be the case for you, Ass King, because tomorrow morning you are going to wake up and your teeth are going to be in so much pain that you'll have to drink your meals for at least three days.† But is that really going to matter if you're lying next to one, two, or even 12 gorgeous women? Hell, with the extreme amounts of ass you'll be getting in the next seven years, what's the point of even keeping track?

Once again, I can't stress enough how important it is not to chew on ice cubes. You could break one of your brackets, which would make your parents very upset. And after you've kept them up until all hours with the moans of the chicks you're banging, the last thing you'll want to do is make them angrier.

I know the next few years of regular tightenings are just going to fly by, but don't think that once you get your braces off your days of being the Ass King are over. That couldn't be further from the truth. Lucky for you, the steady stream of bumpin' uglies will continue well into adulthood, my good boy, because you are going to have to wear the raddest pussy-magnet retainer 24 hours a day, seven days a week for the rest of your life.

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BOSTON–Snuggling up together in the peaceful serenity of the Massachusetts General Hospital radiology room, sources confirmed Thursday that New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski was surprised by his girlfriend with an afternoon of relaxing couple’s CAT scans.

BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying.

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WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.