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Breaking News: Occupy Philly Is Garbage

Add this to the long list of things Philadelphia falls short of New York in. Our football (besides the Jets) is better. Our baseball (besides the Mets) is better. And our protests against corporate greed are better. Occupy Wall Street has raised almost a half a million dollars since it started nearly five weeks ago. As a result, protesters are eating well and maintain a decent lifestyle despite living outside in a cramped park. Now it seems like the revolutionaries over at Occupy Philly are upset because the Wall Streeters aren’t sharing any of their donations. The Philly group only has $10,000 and is living in general squalor, and as we all know when times get tough in the City of Brotherly Love, they only do one thing: complain.

Of course, the losers in Philly are living in squalor. Everybody in Philly lives in squalor. They don’t even have a top 1%. What are they protesting against? Is the price of cheesesteaks too high? Does Philadelphia even have office buildings? I’m serious, I have no idea. Leave it to Philly to beg New York for help. Well, Keith Stone has the solution for you, Philadelphia. There’s such a simple way to solve your economic crisis. We have plenty of bathrooms here in New York for you to clean. At least it’ll be more enjoyable than watching the Dream Team play.