11 Lists From Year Two of 11 Points That, Sadly, Never Found Love

by Sam Greenspanlast updated March 12, 2018 · originally written June 11, 2010

At the end of the second year of 11 Points, I stop to lament some lists I loved writing that didn’t make a very big splash.

Friday was my website’s two year anniversary. And had I not blown up my entire content management system trying to put up a redesign (which is now way, way back on the drawing board), I would’ve posted this on time. Instead I dated it as if it went up on Friday when it was supposed to. And I guess if you’re reading this anytime but Tuesday, June 15, 2010, this entire paragraph was unnecessary. But I’m living in the now, baby.

Last year I did 11 Lists From Year One of 11 Points That Deserve More Love… this year I’ve softened my stance a bit. I’m not suggesting they deserve more love… just that I’m sad they never found love. I gave birth to about 160 children this year, and these 11 never found their Mr. Darcies.

The good news: Last year’s criteria for a list not getting love was under 10,000 views… and I’m proud to report that I never have that happen to a list anymore. This year the criteria is under 100,000. And, to paraphrase Disco Stu, next year, if these trends continue, aaaaaay.

1 | 11 Best Deep-Voiced Boyz II Men Monologues

I was pretty sure this was the list that was going to make my website a household name. I thought it was a deep-voiced gold mine, smoothed out on the R&B tip. Instead, it barely cracked 42,000 views — which means it had basically no viral spread at all. This wasn’t Boyz II Men, this was Another Bad Creation. My biggest disappointment of the year, hands down.

Nostalgia, Nintendo and sex… I mean, how does anyone NOT click to see what’s on this list? I just don’t understand. There are no breasts like 8-bit, heavily-pixelated breasts. All square and boxy and lumpy, they’re like the inspiration for every plastic surgeon in Mexico.

I know my interviews aren’t a particularly beloved genre — the numbers make that abundantly clear — but this interview was amazing. Patrick talked with be about stuff that, I think, people would find fascinating — training for competitive eating bouts, how he feels afterward, how much money competitive eaters make, even if they have groupies.

I thought that placing $121 in real bets on absurd Super Bowl minutiae like Star Spangled Banner time and number of guitar windmills by The Who would raise the stakes. This list did OK (and led to some of my favorite Twitter conversations ever during the game itself), but, as my highest-budget list ever, I was kinda hoping for more. At least I recouped some of the money. And was smart enough not to bet it on the Cavs.

I’m mostly disappointed it didn’t blow up huge and find its way into the hands of the Rock Hall higher-ups. I had delusions of grandeur floating in my head that they’d read it, realize the error of their ways, make all the changes I suggested, then name a wing or a hall of the museum after me. Maybe the Wings Wing or the Daryl Hall.

I was disappointed here because I ran an actual, original statistical analysis and thought that maybe I could crack through to the 24-hour news cycle with this. I mean — those people need a ton of crap to talk about, my study certainly could’ve qualified. I think perhaps my credibility is hurt by, ya know, this being a comedy site that employs a giant, hot pink font.

I felt like there was some really interesting stuff in here. Maybe the title seemed prohibitively scientific. Or people don’t want to play God. Either way.

9 | 11 Greatest Parodies Of We Are The World

This was one of my favorite ones to research, and one that I still go back to on occasion. I’m going to go ahead and blame the awful We are the World reboot for this list’s failure. The We are the World reboot made the Clash of the Titans reboot look like a good idea.

This one (unlike the dangerous/safe holiday ones) actually did get mentioned on several local news channels and radio shows. Unfortunately, very few of them actually made mention of 11 Points, so that didn’t lead to web traffic. Old media and new media really don’t know how to trade eyeballs back and forth. Old media forgets to give shout-outs to websites… new media hosts absurdly intrusive ads for movies that pop up over the content.

So this is a little against the rules, since this one did clear the minimum threshold — but it had to scrap and claw to get there. And based on how I thought it would perform — ya know, I kind of figured it would get retweeted like Justin Bieber saying I’m going to sleep” — it was a tremendous disappointment.

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OK. This walk down memory lane to the crazy day that WAS June 11, 2010 is over. Tomorrow, we go back… to the present. (Which is much easier than the future. You can get there in an AMC Pacer going 55 mph.)