Thursday, August 16, 2007

1. PETE LAFOREST – San Diego’s Canadian catcher was called up for the injured Michael Barrett. Thanks to our Canadian inferiority complex, Laforest was making this list even if he went 0/5 and sexually assaulted a batboy after grounding into his third double play. Pete helped us out by notching three hits and a two-run homer in an 11-9 win. He and fellow Canadian Jeff Francis, a Rockies pitcher, celebrated by shotgunning a six-pack of Molson, going hunting, and sexually assaulting a batboy.

2. YADIER MOLINA – Yadier went three for three with a pair of homers after hitting just one dinger all season. It wasn’t enough to distract us from his hideous troll-man face. It also wasn’t enough to distract us from painful memories of his bloated brother, Bengie, huffing and stumbling around the basepaths in the Rogers Centre like Louie Anderson on horse tranquilizers.

3. MARK DE ROSA – Hurk: “Dude, you’re going to have to write about De Rosa, because I don’t know anything about him.”

That pretty much sums up Mark De Rosa. He belongs on Major League baseball benches. He should be an occasional pinch hitter who comes up with the odd hit. He should be that guy you release to free agents in MLB 2K7 when you have to make room for your created guy on the Cubs’ roster.

He shouldn’t be (a) getting enough playing time to have five at bats in a game and (b) going five for five with four RBI.

Mark, stop it.

AND ONE GUY WHO PLAYS “HANGIN’ WITH MR. COOPER” TO JOHAN SANTANA’S “CHAPELLE’S SHOW”: CHUCK JAMES – The Braves hurler played soup kitchen volunteer last night, serving up four muffins to the Giants. Worse yet, he won’t let his stupid “I’m Chuck James, bitch!” joke die. Yes, Chuck. We get it. Your name sounds like Rick James’ name. “Chuck” and “Rick” both end in “ck.” There was a funny skit on Chapelle’s Show about Rick James, during which Rick James uttered the sentence “I’m Rick James, bitch!” Boy, are you clever. We want to date you. But did you have to get the slogan on a T-shirt too? Jesus.