Jon, Leta, and I are spending a leisurely Saturday afternoon shopping at a nearby outdoor mall and hop into a furniture store just to browse what’s new. We test out a few couches, inspect a few coffee tables, and Leta admires several large pillows. She sees a gigantic floor pillow covered in a soft zebra pattern and declares that she would like one of those right now, please. I check its price tag, gag on the idea of handing over a mortgage payment for a pillow that would no doubt be covered in Capri Sun stains within ten minutes of being in our house, and declare that it will not be coming home with us. But she said please. Yeah, and I said no. But she said the whole thing nicely. Yeah, and your point is? Mama would very much like a bigger set of tits right now, please. See how that didn’t work?

Jon and I head toward the exit and can feel the temperature in the room rising with Leta’s anger, and suddenly she throws her body face first onto the floor. We step over her body and pretend that we don’t know whose kid that is, remarking to each other that some people really need to learn to get control over their rotten offspring, and when she sees that it’s fourth down and twenty yards to go she turns over on her back and yells up from the floor, “OH MY GOD THE HELL.”

Both Jon and I whip around and give her The Menacing Stare, the So Help Me God I Will Risk Going To Prison If That’s What This Is Going To Take kind of glare, and when she makes eye contact with us she yells it again, only this time lingering on the last syllable as if she were singing the national anthem: “OH MY GOD THE HELLLLLLLLLLLLL!”

I march over to her horizontal body, pick her up and throw her over my shoulder like one might do a friend who has passed out from too much tequila and needs to be moved so that you don’t run her over when you back out of the driveway, and quickly transport her outside. There I set her down, and then I squat so that my face is about a centimeter from hers and inform her that what she just did was totally unacceptable. And I think the speed with which that whole maneuver takes place has scared the living HELLLLLLLLLLLLL out of her because her lower lip starts to tremble and she says, “Okay, Mama.” I ask her if she knows what she did wrong, but she is too terrified to answer me. If my dad had been standing there he would have given me a high five as this is the patented Hamilton Method of parenting.

“Leta, we told you never to use those words outside of the house, remember?”

“Yes, Mama,” she says, a tear forming in her right eye.

“And if you ever do this again you’re not going to be allowed to use those words inside the house either. You understand?”

………..

Jon and Leta have gone upstairs to have breakfast, and I stumble in about thirty minutes later half awake, half dead. I head straight for Jon to give him a hug and thank him for getting up with the kid, and as we’re lingering in a sleepy embrace Leta shouts, “Let’s do a family hug!”

She hops down from the table where she is eating a bowl of Fruit Loops, runs over to us, and we pick her up and nuzzle her neck while squeezing each other to the point of discomfort. I give her a final kiss on the forehead before setting her down, and as I go to give Jon a kiss she proudly stares up at both of us as if we’re her children and have just graduated with honors. “That right there…” she says, “…that was a damn good family hug.”

Related:

Hysterical.
Can’t decide which is better the “that right there” or the “damn good family hug”!

http://littlebirdlost.wordpress.com Toren

Holy crap, you and your family own. Brave lady, I pray for your temperance in the hate mail department. Someone will definitely get their nuts twisted up over this. I remember when I was little asking my mom when I would be allowed to cuss, you know, just around the house and such. She said never, I promptly replied, “well, shit.”

http://gigs.vox.com Shannon

I can’t wait til my son’s old enough to swear.

kimca

I was just attempting to wedge a futon sized slice of spelt/flax toast in my mouth, smothered in almond butter and sugar free peach jam (deelish), when I almost choked with the laughter. I’ll definitely be using the line “OH MY GOD THE HELL” sometime soon (most likely at work tomorrow…).

I finally recovered from my choking fit just as I read #15. Maybe it has something to do with being Canadian (see #39) but I also found that comment hilariously funny.

This is a great site. I got introduced to it recently and the archives are addictive. I’ve stumbled on many, many gems.

Merci beaucoup

http://www.modadimagno.etsy.com Lori Magno

That was a damn good story! I got to witness my young nephew’s first “SHIT!” when he was three and fussing with Legos – my mother stifled the laugh, I didn’t and my sister is still furious with me to this day (13 years later.)

Yeah, like he totally got a “D” in algebra because I laughed at an adorable (but yes, inappropriate) baby swear word. And they wonder aloud why I feed my cat on the table.

Ask me why I don’t have children. No don’t.

Terri

We have giant frog which the two year old is now referring to as a “giant fuck.” The older kids delight in making Nicky say things like ‘mother frog’ (mother fuck) etc.

I have to admit, while I usually try to act mature, as if this is not funny, it’s hysterical and often I can’t help but to make him say a few “froggy” words myself when I think no one is listening.

http://strivingforsustainability.wordpress.com/ Melissa

Fan-flippin-tastic!

faq

fruit loops??? what the hellllll happened to the pancakes?

Jodie

Just one more comment… Maybe you can find a zebra striped bean bag chair. Almost as good as a giant pillow. Of course Leta wouldn’t think so probably.

Lisa

KIDS….CAN’T LIVE WITH ‘EM…CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT ‘EM. JUST WAIT UNTIL IT IS YOUR TURN TO EMBARRASS LETA!!!!! YIPEEE!!!

http://www.startingfromhere.com Natalie

Oh my, the comments are as good as the original post! I try not to swear around my son, but I’m not very successful. Normally, he only says a bad word if I say it and he’s says “oooh, mommy, you said shiiiiit” and then “cookies in the jar, mommy!”

However, when he was about two years old we were driving through a busy plaza trying to find a parking spot and I was getting increasingly irritated. After some jerk cut me off and took the parking spot I was waiting for (he came from the other side), I lost my cool and called him a fucker (the other driver, not my son).

The next thing I know, my son is in the back seat reciting “mommy can’t find a fucking fuck”, over and over again. Of course, he meant parking spot, but in his two year old head he was transposing what I had just said with what I was looking for.

I don’t care what any of those parenting know it all’s say (and you’ll no doubt see some links and nasty emails from this), this shit is funny!

http://www.mylifewithlucas.blogspot.com Anna

Awww. She makes a mama proud!

http://www.onegoodie.com shane_onegoodie

HIL LAR EEE US

http://www.merlotmom.com merlotmom

The world is going to H-E-double hockey sticks out there in Mormon country and Leta Armstrong is leading the revolt. HIDE!

Mama Bear

I had to share my cussing kid story. Years ago, when my nephew was about two, the whole family was standing in the kitchen chatting and little Felix was desperately trying to get his Uncle to come play with him. Over the grown-ups talking we eventually heard one small voice shouting repeatedly, “Come here, fucking guy! Come here, fucking guy!” All conversation died for minute, then everyone busted out laughing. Apparently, Felix’s dad would shout the same thing to the chickens on the farm when it was feeding time. I loved the way the mom handled it though. She just leaned down and said to him “Maybe Uncle isn’t coming to play because you’re not asking nicely.” To which he replied, “Oh.” Then, in his nicest voice he said “Please come here fucking guy.” Priceless.

http://blog.bel-esprit.org/ Natalie

Ha! I hope that when I have kids they’re as funny as your Leta. Not to mention, both my boyfriend and I curse like sailors, something I doubt we’ll change as we get older.

You’d be surprised (or maybe not) by how many younger children love to misbehave through saying something inappropriate. The best is when you’re volunteering by teaching children a second or third language and a four-year-old asks you how you say “shit-cock” in Serbian.

Marissa

You’re a damn good mama!!

If my son successfully controls his anger/frustration at missing a goal or his team not playing very well on the soccer field, he is allowed to say 1 or 2 “naughty” words in the car on the way home. He’s almost 8.

But if he EVER said a naughty word in public he knows that would be the end of it and he would lose the privilege of watching the inane, whiny cartoons he loves so much.

http://heidirenee.blogspot.com Heidi Renée

If we ever have kids, they are going to be incomprehensibly foul-mouthed… I blame the Navy.

Amie

When I was 3, on the first day of (Baptist) pre-school, we were talking about our favorite things…like color, animal, cartoon, etc. I raised my hand and said, “My mom’s favorite word is shit!” So, moral of the story, Leta will turn out just fine!

Anonymous

I think this world needs more “damn good family hugs” … it would be a better place.

Acasmi

It never gets old that American people think words like Damn and Hell are swear words. Now Bollocks, Bloody Hell and Arsehole are much better words to get your knickers in a twist over!

hugs and kisses, The United Kingdom

http://potpie.wordpress.com Katrina

Family legend has it that my mother spent a lot of energy telling my vulgar father to watch his language around me as a toddler.

That stopped when they found me digging through my toybox at age 2, saying “oh shit, oh shit, oh SHIT!” in a perfect imitation of my dear mother when she can’t find something.

We like to remind her of this to this day, that she was the one who taught me how to swear properly.

Lisa

For Deanna, I have parented 4 kids and I believe the majority of the parents who read this blog will concur, that kids do this kind of thing. It doesn’t mean that we all need therapy (well unless they are wielding a gun or a knife). This kind of behavior is normal for children. Acting out is a way for them to communicate something that they haven’t learned how to express. It is our jobs as parents to teach them how to express what they need to say. This teaching is sometimes more challenging if it is a persons first child. The learning curve is greater with the first child and so should be the sense of humor about it all. Parenting isn’t about RAISING PERFECT KIDS. It’s about making all kinds of mistakes and whoops and hearing all kinds of stuff in order for us to be TEACHERS and teach them how to grow up to be happy, healthy, contributing members of society. It also means that the parents have to be real (which involves some slips of the tongue once in a while) so that the kids don’t feel they have to live up to PERFECT STANDARDS. Those are the people who NEED THERAPY. I am sure there are sometimes parts of Heather’s stories we don’t hear about (was Leta’s time out really three hours!?!).

If you read Heather’s FAQ you might get a better feel for where she is coming from.

Now politics on this blog on the other hand….is another story. CHUCK 2008!

Sandra

I swear I don’t know where it comes from, because I don’t really ever swear, but my six-year-old has no problem throwing out the occasional accidental f-bomb while at the same time is completely terrified of accidently saying shut up…

Also, my CAPTCHA text just happens to be, and I am so not kidding, Mullet Rock!

chrissy

I agree, you guys are kick-ass parents. Leta is totally smart, I mean she used all of her curses in completely correct context! You have to appreciate that!
And about the damn good family hug, I mean, just… awww… you all get my vote in the cool book.

Nicole

Just last week my 1st grader told me he was supposed to make a word with pieces of paper in class. He made the word “crap”. I told him he couldn’t use words like that in school. His response was, “Well, I learned it from you.” My answer was, “That’s not right, because if you learned it from me it would have been ‘shit’.” He about fell out of his chair.

Krista

You brought back so many hysterical memories from my childhood just now.

1. My dad only refrains from one word around his kids – fuck. Everything else is fair game and always has been. His absolute favorite is SOB. So at a family picnic when I was about 5 (my cousin tells me), when a little-kid voice said very loudly and frustratedly, “well, son of a BITCH,” everyone laughed and said, “What did Larry’s kid just do?” Apparently I had dropped my plate in the middle of the yard and was very ticked off. Dad thought it was hilarious. Mom did not.

2. My mom’s dad (whom I called “Pa”) got a kick out of trying to get us kids in trouble, so he taught us all kinds of off-color stuff when we stayed with him. My favorite was when he told me to go home and call my mom a “dumas” (plus he enlightened me on what that meant). So I did. Here’s how the convo with my mom went:
Me: You’re a dumas.
Mom: What’s that?
Me: Dumbass.
Mom: Who taught you that?
Me: Pa did.
I never was reprimanded for that. Pa was, however.

3. My good friends have a daughter named Libby. When Libby was a toddler, she was very precocious and picked up EVERYTHING anyone said or did around her. She and her daddy would have “headbanging time” after her bath, where she was allowed to jump on the bed, banging her head, and singing “Bodies” by Drowning Pool (in her adorably gruff cartoon-character voice) along with Daddy. Somehow around this time, she overheard the word “fuck”. She did not use it in conversation but rather decided to make a song out of it. The first time her mom heard this song was in the grocery store, where Libby was very quietly singing to herself, “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuck, fuck-fuck-fuck, fuuuck, fuck, fuck”. Her mom was so freaked out that someone might hear her, quiet though she was, that she literally ran through the rest of the store throwing things in the cart as fast as she could so she could get out of there before Libby found her volume knob.

And to the nay-sayers who believe this kind of overlooking of vulgar language causes children to grow up disturbed or disrespectful, I’m a successful professional who still does not talk back to my elders or superiors, and Libby is a high-schooler on the honor roll and is a true gem of a girl who makes her parents proud and has a great attitude. Inside/outside words are a great concept!!

http://www.kangs.wordpress.com Kimmy

Did Leta make up her tantrum phrase herself? I’ve never heard anyone say OH MY GOD THE HELL! before, but it’s very innovative and creative.

My niece just turned 4 years old, and after a long afternoon of games, a pinata, cake, and presents, we are at my mom’s house relaxing. She is tired and cranky and starts repeating PISS PISS PISS PISS PISS PISS PISS over and over again! Her parents and my brother and I just looked at eachother like, what the heck do we do?

When one of my cousins was about 5, we all went to the water park – I was about 17 at the time. My brother and I took her to swim through the lazy river and she was wearing one of those kiddie life vests that have a strap that goes right under their crotch. Well, I guess the strap was too tight and was causing her bathing suit to ride up. As she is picking her wedgie, she declares, “My bathing suit is going up my VAGINA!!”
My brother and I could not stop laughing.

http://megs411nosmoke.blogspot.com/ Meg

MY mom used to be able to put the fear of god in me with just a stare. Good for you for doing all that and still managing to discipline Leta.

Jodie

Leta is the most precocious kid! I would have had the spanking of my life if I had said anything like that around my parents. Or alternately the mouth washed out with soap routine. My Mom’s worst cuss word was “dammit”. Ah, growing up in the 60s!

http://www.swampwaterdebutante.com Lissa

Yeah. All the uptight people tsktsking you are making my eyes roll so hard I think I sprained something.

Get over it, folks. She UTTERED WORDS. You only think they’re inappropriate because you were taught to do so.

It’s not like she stood up and said, “I WANT THE PILLOW,” and then stabbed her mother in the face or something. I find “inappropriate” language to be a much better way to act out frustration than, say, biting, kicking, punching, or hair-pulling.

Words. They are only words. We need to get over our fear of words.

Anonymous

Hilarious!! When my god daughter was still learning to talk, a friend of her mom’s gave her a Funky Girl doll, which she pronounced as “fucky girl.” Of course, we would encourage her to say that as much as possible strictly for our amusement.
I love cussing! The F word is my favorite and I truly have to watch it in front of my 4 year old and 22 month old.
Leta is hilarious!

http://feathermaye.blogspot.com feathermaye

The first time my son (now almost 18) strung 2 words together to make an actual sentence, the result was: “Fuckin’ drivers!”. I very nearly crashed the car…

We also followed the ‘inside words and outside words’ as well as ‘words we NEVER say in front of Grandma’ list.

Each year of high school simultaneously lengthened the ‘outside words’ list and shortened the ‘inside words’.

The list for ‘words we NEVER say in front of Grandma’ remains intact.

http://parentheticalthoughts.wordpress.com Emma

Ha, I feel for Leta. I also have a hard time with the ‘house only’ language as well. Sometimes I find myself almost swearing and/or talking in ‘dog language’ out in public.

M

I was at MIL’s (who happens to be the Pastor of our church)house chatting with my kid* about her school day and the conversation went something like this:

Me: So how was school?

Kid: Fine, we got to play outside.

M: How’d you do on your spelling test**?

K: Ummmmmm, ok.

M: Where is your test?

K: I don’t have it Mrs. B kept it.

M: Why???

K: Cause I used the “F” word.

M: What!?!?!?!?!? Why would you do that!?!?!?! (at this point my left eye began to twitch)

K: I didn’t do it on purpose.

M: What does that have to do with your spelling test?

K: I misspelled “fork”

M: HUH??

K: I misspelled “fork” and Mrs. B said she would just throw the test out.

Yep, you guessed it. Instead of the “or” in fork my child used “uc”. She’s been in speech therapy for the past couple of years and when she says the word fork it almost sounds like furk. So when she sounded the word out in her head during the test she added a c in place of the r. My MIL and I laughed until we were literally crying. I have been telling all of our friends and family despite her protests. This will be the story I her 1st boyfriend, her future husband and my future grandkids. Hell, my mom is still telling the story of when I called our insurance man and Son of a B**** when he came to collect a payment and I was about 2-3 years old.

*She’s not a cusser. She actually tattles on me to my mother whenever I cuss. I always tell her that mom is the one that taught me all the good cuss words, but she doesn’t believe me.

**She made a 100 on the retest on Friday.

Anonymous

My son, in response to not getting something at the store he wanted, would yell at the top of his lungs, “mommy, don’t hit me again.” Needless to say he was never hit, but got the response he wanted from those around us.

http://www.abiding.typepad.com Deb

I LOVE that kid!

Jessica

OMG I couldn’t breathe I was laughing so hard.

My daughter started saying ‘son-of-a-bitch’ in context(dropped a toy, stubbed a toe) at 18 months. And who taught her?? Grandma! The same one that was all over ME for MY language! Oh the justice in that! Still makes me smile and it was 6 years ago!

Lisa

Hahahaha……..My son was in first grade when he looked down at the worksheet in front of him at his school desk and blurted out “What the freakin’ hell!??? Like…….are you kidding me with this schoolwork!?

Out of the mouths of babes……….

http://scrappinjenny.blogspot.com Jennifer

That’s nothing. My daughter dropped the f-bomb in front of my in-laws when she was two. Needless to say, I did not win mother of the year that year.

http://defying-expectations.blogspot.com/ CLH

My own little 16-month-old has taken to randomly saying in his tiny little voice, and oh-so-matter-of-factly but directed toward nothing in partcular, “Oh, shit.” And his 3-year-old cousin, when she was younger, had trouble pronouncing ‘dinosaurs’ and called them instead: ‘assholes.’ How she got from one to the other … I do not know.

http://nopasanada.org Heather B.

That was great. How did you know that I was in dire need of those particular anecdotes?

Anonymous

Feel free to use the Leta response template to the hate e-mailers:

Dear reader:
I won’t get into a piss match with you, so kindly fuck off.
Love,
Leta

kate

Hillarious. I love that she deploys those words in their proper context! And anyone thinking about sending hate mail about this is an asshat.

http://jeannen.com/ Jeannen

Hysterical.

Missy

When I was two I watched National Lampoon’s Vacation with my older brother (he was supposed to be watching me), and later that night at the dinner table, right after the prayers, I promptly looked at my dad and said, “Fuck your momma.” Thank you National Lampoon’s and the classic scene from East St. Louis.

http://goaliej54.blogspot.com Jessica

LOL! So bad, yet so funny.

http://www.becomingsomething.com Natasha

#88 “I love cussing! The F word is my favorite…” Doesn’t that sound like something a 7-year old would say? Holy articulate, Batman. Maybe that’s why that person likes the F word so much. It replaces BIG words like “incredible”, distaste”, and “antidisestablismentarianism”. Okay, not really but you get my point.

Sarah

The child is brilliant!

Haley

No cussing but I love this one from my 7 yr old twin nieces, their mom was irritated with the mess in their playroom and told them if they didn’t help clean up the mess she was going to throw their toys away, their response was:

“That’s ok Mom, Christmas and our birthdays are coming soon and we’ll get more toys.”

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