An ADHD Life

Menu

Depression/Anxiety: Dear meds, I love you.

Yeah so…that whole tapering off the antidepressant thing. Let’s just say I’ve been living on a roiling sea of emotion for several weeks now and I’m perfectly happy to step off the ride. My provider and I have agreed that maybe just upping my micro-dose a teeeeeny bit is probably a good idea. But I’ll come back to that in a minute.

I find it humorous to grade my depression, and in this case, my depression/anxiety combo. A “how bad is it really” exercise, if you will.

Last night, I looked up into the trees. They were stark, black, certain of themselves against a backdrop of smudged, sooty cloud. The stones of a church rose between the two, completing the tableau. I looked at the trees and thought to myself “oh, we’ve had this conversation before, friends”. It’s a certain grade of depression where I start to detach from the people around me and find comfort in the deep black stillness of trees. This isn’t the same lovely communion with the joys of nature that I enjoy at other times. It isn’t altogether bad…but it tells me that I’m becoming insular in a way that isn’t healthy, and that’s the part that maybe isn’t so great.

So last night, I realized that I was in “only the trees can understand me” mode and I realized too that the conversation I’d had earlier with my prescriber, about taking my antidepressant up a few milligrams, couldn’t have been more perfectly timed.

Just 10 more mgs last night and I already feel better about to cope with the details of daily life. I was at 25mg for a long time, but dropped to 10mg because that’s the amount that keeps me migraine disorder free. That’s when the depression and anxiety creeped back in though. Now I’m going to try 15-20 and see how that goes.

I have mixed feelings about this change (I mean I was hoping I wouldn’t have to keep taking this drug – mostly I was hoping my migraine disorder had subsided, and now I know that it hasn’t), but I’m going to let them ferment a little before I talk about it more. I know one thing for sure though – the trees will understand. They know our conversations can’t go on like that indefinitely.

I woke up this morning feeling that I’d landed on a fluffy cloud of relief, after a turbulent journey. I was able to complete routine tasks of daily living without struggle.

It is manageable, but every person has to be willing to find their own formula and sometimes it takes a while to figure it all out. My relationship with my mind and body definitely change over time. It’s neither good or bad, it just is. That’s one benefit I get from blogging…I can write about these things and then come back later to see how things are matching up in the present. Journaling can also be a powerful tool, I do that sometimes when I need to…

I’ve tried going off my meds so many times, thinking “I can do it on my own,” only to fall flat on my face. I am a little sad that I’ll probably have to be on meds forever. But I know there is a BIG difference between how I am on and off the meds. I feel like the depression and anxiety are illnesses that rob me of my true self and good experiences, and when I’m on my meds I get to experience real life to a fuller degree!

“I feel like the depression and anxiety are illnesses that rob me of my true self” – And isn’t that REALLY the most tasty morsel of the whole thing? Yes. I totally agree, and that’s why I’m happily chugging along over here on nortriptyline 🙂