Monday, 24 December 2018

It is Christmas Eve, and I am in the south with my sisters and their families, including two nieces (the youngest and the oldest with her own child who is the age my second ectopic baby would be).

I'm enjoying family, remembering those who are gone - this is our first Christmas together without our parents - and inevitably those who were never here. Tomorrow will be alternately chaotic and relaxed, and sooner than we know it the day will be over. This is why my main message about this time of year is that it passes. It is only one day, and after all we have been through to get here, we can get through that.

This is my wish for you. That at this time of year you are able to relax and breathe, knowing that you can survive it, and get back to your normal, whatever that is, very soon. That, in my view, is a gift.

Monday, 17 December 2018

A number of the ornaments on my tree have real No Kidding
meaning to me:

I have a silver angel that I bought after my second ectopic,
and although it’s not my favourite ornament, but it always reminds me of my
loss.

The carved wooden dolphin ornament sent by an ectopic friend
from Canada, and although we’ve lost touch now, I always think of her and our
losses.

I have a pohutukawa fairy, which I love because I love
pohutukawa, but also at this time of year, I remember those blossoms in the
trees through the hospital windows as I waited for ectopic #1 to be treated (17 years ago),
and then later for ectopic #2 (16 years ago) to be diagnosed and treated.

The stockings I have in my Christmas decoration box, which I
bought for my children and cousins to use, even before we began to try to
conceive. I gave away some of them when I knew I would never have children, but
there’s always a little twinge when I see the ones that are left.

The tree itself, because putting it up makes me think of
Christmassy things, and Christmassy things for me are inextricably linked to my
two pregnancies and subsequent losses at this season.

But my tree is also inextricably linked with the very best
parts of my No Kidding life* too, and in loving my tree I have reclaimed
Christmas, which is in itself a real gift.

Monday, 10 December 2018

17 years ago this week, I was learning all about ectopic pregnancies, about what it was to lose a pregnancy, about grief, about hospitals and Drs and nurses, and about dealing with emotions that I'd not had to face before - in fact, about emotions that I had never even imagined I would feel. A year later, at this time I was enjoying a happier experience of the first weeks of a pregnancy, but by the end of the month, those hopes too were dashed. My memories of these times are of overwhelming emotion. Another year later I was in shock, trying to realise that it was all over, and that I would never have children.

What I didn't expect though is that 15 years later I would be able to write about this without emotion, that I would think of my lost babies with love and not with sadness, and that I would have sympathy for the person I was then, and pride for how she recovered. I had no idea that I would have helped hundreds of women in a volunteering capacity, that I would have made friends all over the world as a result of my No Kidding, childless life, and that I would have created a small book that people were actually prepared to buy* with their hard-earned money!

It could be so easy to sit back and bemoan my fate all the time, as sadly I see some people doing in a social media group I have joined, but that would make me (and everyone around me) miserable, and would achieve nothing. Life moves on, we grow, we learn, and we heal, and I am very grateful for that.

* Thank you to those who have bought it - I hope it doesn't disappoint.

Monday, 3 December 2018

I’ve gone and done it, and produced a little book of memes! Unfortunately I couldn’t produce a
flipbook (not many self-publishing apps offer this option) in the time frame.
Likewise, I could have done a calendar, but as I won’t be here to organise
postage and delivery pre-Christmas/New Year, it wasn’t really an option until next
year.

What I have done is produce a small book, with full pages of
the photographs and quotes, lists etc that I have used on the blog, with one or
two new ones. I thought a full page per photo might be nice, in case someone wants to take one
and frame it. You can get it in different formats, but I designed it to be a
small, softcover book, trying to keep the costs down, though not very
successfully (for the record, I’m only covering costs). I haven't even seen the hard copy myself, as shipping to NZ will take about three weeks!

Blurb was by far the easiest option for me, in the short
time frame, and I’m thrilled their site was so easy to use. You can see a preview
of a few selected pages below, and you can click here to buy it, or here for the e-book.

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About Me

This is my blog on living and loving life without children after infertility. Currently I'm a blogger, a self-employed businessperson, amateur photographer, and traveller.

I blog on A Separate Life about my everyday life, but this is a space for thoughts on my No Kidding lifestyle, the good and the bad, remembering what was lost, and celebrating what I have.

My husband and I are the stereotypical couple without children who love to travel. I am (at) travellingMali on Instagram and there I post photos of various trips internationally, past and present, and of NZ travels, along with the occasional photos from where I live.

In 2013 I travelled in Europe and the Middle East for five months, and kept a blog at Lemons to Limoncello.

I also had a travelblog some years ago, but stopped posting in 2012, which you can see at Mali's Travelalphablog. I'm hoping to start a travel blog again, so watch this space!