The FDA wants to warn kids about the dangers of tanning. Which is a big fucking deal because those yahoos are so far behind the times that they still aren't certain what gluten-free means. (I know, my grandma's been off wheat for years now, too.)

We all know by now that tanning is awful for your health and un-oompa-loompa-edness, but shit got mad serious when the government stepped in. The FDA revealed a proposal to have signs on all tanning beds that warn of the risks of tanning for people under the age of 18. That's because when you turn 19, the beds' magic rays infuse you with special powers that extend your life by roughly 50 years. JK, they still kill you.

In fact, melanoma is the most common cancer in women aged 25-32, your risk is 75 percent greater if you've been exposed to ultraviolet radiation from indoor tanning. Yikes.

The FDA would also require manufacturers to submit their beds for federal review before marketing them. Um, so they could make sure they're equally dangerous to the ones already on the market? Or why? God bless our transparent government!