Friends: The One with Sam and Dave's Troublesome Sums

A taxing problem at No 10 in the latest episode of our Westminster sitcom

Dave and Sam sat in silence, staring at the piece of paper in the middle of the table. It was no use. They’d crunched the numbers. They’d fiddled the figures. They’d called in the combined brainpower of George and Danny and their special advisers, and even Ken – who, as a former Chancellor, knew a thing or two about rigging the system. But it was just no use. They were still paying too little tax.

“Can’t we just send a cheque?” asked Sam. “Give the Revenue a little bit extra, and hope they don’t ask any questions?”

The problem had started, like so many of Dave’s troubles, with all of these summits he was going to. He’d had such a good time at the G20 – taunting François about his plan to steal France’s bankers, letting that horrible Argentinian woman know exactly how little he cared what she thought – that he’d failed to realise he was spending so much time outside the UK that he officially qualified as a non-dom.

So when this whole Jimmy Carr thing had blown up, and Dave had asked his accountants to check his personal liabilities, he’d been horrified to find that they’d been – well, doing their jobs. He’d moved his account from Barclays immediately, but too late to avoid the damage.

“Maybe no one will care?” ventured Sam hopefully. “After all, they didn’t kick up all that much of a fuss when Daddy got subsidies for his wind turbines, or that your Pa did all that clever stuff in Panama and Geneva.”

“Yes, but things are different now,” said Dave. “I tell you, it’s a complete shambles. We’ve had to cross Gary Barlow off the list for a knighthood, and go through the finances of every donor and minister we can think of. We’ve changed the family doctor, the dentist – anyone remotely under suspicion of parking their loot offshore.”

“Is that why there are all those gaps in the CD collection?” asked Sam.

“Yup,” said Dave. “No Take That or U2 for this family. And don’t get me started on how much the Cabinet are moaning. I said we should all publish our returns simultaneously, to put the issue behind us, and they all started looking at their shoelaces and muttering about 'perfectly legitimate arrangements’. To make matters worse, Miriam’s been going around handing out business cards, 'just in case anyone needs any help with their tax law’.”

“I thought she was more to do with EU regulation?” said Sam.

“She is,” said Dave. “But with things looking so dicey on that front, she’s exploring her options. All those trips to Foyles and Moro need to be paid for somehow.”

“You’re talking about that interview with 'Britain’s Third Lady’?” said Sam. “I loved the bit about how Nick signed up for dancing classes to woo her.”

“If that’s what it took, she’d be better off with Jeremy or Vince,” said Dave.

“Or you,” said Sam. “You’re still pretty light on your feet.” She paused, then grinned wickedly. “Must be all those U-turns you’re doing…”