the world of contradictions ... two sides of the coin... could be three... may be even four....

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Self Deception…..

A few years ago
I was introduced to a book which I never bothered to read. Once I got the book
in the mail, to the book shelves it went. Untouched, unread for years. A few
months ago,in a leadership group, the
facilitator introduced the same book. Being a forgetful person, I did not even
remember I had the same book lying on the boook shelves back home. I went out
to buy the same book albeit it’s the new expanded edition. Guess what happened?
This book suffered the same fate as the earlier edition. To the shelves it
went. Well, this time it was a bit better. A couple of chapters were read. May be
I was being influenced by the title ‘Self Deception – Getting out of the Box’
which I took literally to mean get it out of the box and to the shelves and
equates it to act of reading the whole book.

A month or so
ago, I was fortunate enough to sit in a talk on the same book. All I can say,
it was one of the most rivetting talk I had the fortune to sit through. If my memory serves me right, the trademark ‘yawn
every five minutes’ was absent in the talk.

So what is this
book all about? To quote the publisher’s website on this, the book is all
about:

You
often intuitively know what a right action toward another person is.

It's
4 am, my kid is crying...I'll go care for her.

An
act contrary to what you feel you should do for another is called an act of
"self-betrayal."

I'm
tired - let Jill do it.

When
you betray yourself, you begin to see the world in a way that justifies your
self-betrayal.

I
do everything I should do ... work hard, help in the house ... I'm a good
husband.

When
you see a self-justifying world, your view of reality becomes distorted - you
begin to deceive yourself.

Jill
is so lazy... insensitive... slacking off...

We
call this "entering the box."

Over
time, certain boxes become characteristic of you, and you carry them with you.

(Jill's
thoughts about you): He's so cold and dismissive...always blaming me ... what a
jerk...

In
the box, we invite mutual mistreatment and obtain mutual justification. We
collude in giving each other reasons to stay in the box.

It’s all about ‘being
in the box’ and the negative impact it brings. How do we get out of the box?
Read the book, I guessed, it’s the best way to learn on how to get out of the
box. For now, the following steps will be a good start:

Don’t try to be perfect. Do
try to be better.

Don’t use the vocabulary – “the
box” and so on – with people who don’t already know it. Do use the
principles in your own life.

Don’t look for others’
boxes. Do look for your own.

Don’t accuse others of being in
the box. Do try to stay out of the box yourself.

Don’t give up on yourself when you
discover you’ve been in the box. Do keep trying.

Don’t deny you’ve been in the box
when you have been. Do apologize, then just keep marching forward,
trying to be more helpful to others in the future.

Don’t focus on what others are
doing wrong. Do focus on what you can do right to help.

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