My Avatar, My Self

Everything now has a life online, including Zen. For example, the website Second Life – a virtual world with something like a million active users – includes a virtual zendo. I was invited to give a Zen talk to the online sangha but had no experience in that kind of virtual environment so I needed coaching. I learned I had to create an avatar – a virtual self in the form of a 3D identity – through which I’d interact with the sangha members’ avatars. The movie “Avatar” made this idea commonplace, but it was novel for me.

To facilitate, Second Life provides a kind of warehouse full of parts and pieces that could go into making up an avatar. I assembled body type, hair, features, accessories and garments, including priest robes and other Zen stuff. Very cool. I tried to match my virtual avatar to my actual appearance, but when the audience gathered in the zendo, I saw right away that the virtual sangha was wildly more inventive than I was. A small puppy and a sexy vampire were the most prosaic, surrounded by elaborate creatures combining human body elements, griffon wings, fantastical costumes, what looked like robotic attachments, and other pieces too varied to list. It was impressively creative and kind of wacky.

But it also struck me as profound. This was a visible version of the kind of construction we all engage in – albeit less visibly – as we cobble together parts and pieces into what we call our selves. The parts and pieces of our selves aren’t wings or claws, they’re ideas, fears, dreams, habits, cravings, and aversions we cling to as essential to our “me-ness.” We hope they will define and protect us. As these selves keep colliding with the world, we evaluate what’s working and what’s not, and we make ongoing adjustments, jettisoning an old idea here, taking up a new activity there. Seeing the elaborate avatars on Second Life helped make the process more obvious.

When we use the term “small self” in Zen, I think this is what we’re talking about. Sometimes we talk as though “ego” and “small self” are the same thing. But I think that’s not quite right. I think the ego’s a more primitive, fundamental energy that has a wholesome purpose in our lives. But it’s also the energy that fuels the construction, ongoing renovation and maintenance of this small self. From this perspective, I think of what we call the small self as the ego’s avatar.

The ego’s avatar shows up on the surface, too, as how we try to appear in the world. We intuitively understand that some aspect of selfhood is at stake when we notice someone who’s working really really hard to look much much younger than they are. It’s clear that lots of energy is going into the effort. But we all spend dramatically more emotional and psychic energy keeping the ego’s avatar functional and on the road. It’s a relentless effort because the avatar needs to be re-created over and over in the face of changing circumstances and conditions. It’s a crazy and exhausting project that’s draining energy all the time.

The first way Zen practice helps meet this difficulty is by making us more keenly aware through zazen of our own interior drama. Then, as we slowly wake up to ourselves in zazen, we become more objective about our behavior. We start to recognize feelings and reactions that are clues to the avatar’s shape and mischief. Personally, I’ve found the single best clue is defensiveness. In my own life, defensiveness shows up wearing various costumes, but most often anger, fearfulness, or rationalization. When I get defensive, I check for a tense underlying energy. I can usually locate a particular kind of tightness in my body that tells me that something precious and vulnerable is being threatened: my ego’s avatar. What I think of as my self is in danger.

I believe the avatar changes shape but never dies. The “selfing project” never ends. I believe it’s hard wired in. But being alert to it is a critical part of practice because this avatar, the constructed self, is essentially a neurotic fiction. It doesn’t harmonize well with reality and the result is suffering: suffering for ourselves, suffering for others. Fortunately, awareness sharpened and focused by zazen practice helps expose the avatar, and slowly but surely the exposure itself eases and can even release the tight hold the small self can have on how we think, feel, and behave.

About Kuzan Peter Schireson

Kuzan Peter Schireson is currently Practice Leader at Empty Nest Zendo in California. He was ordained as a Lay Teacher by Sojun Mel Weitsman of Berkeley Zen Center in 2003 and as a Soto Zen priest by Chikudo Lew Richmond of Vimala Zen Center in 2008. Peter was originally introduced to practice by Joshu Sasaki Roshi in 1964 and has practiced since then primarily in the Suzuki Roshi lineage in California as well as with Keido Fukushima Roshi, the late Rinzai abbot of Tofuku-ji Monastery in Kyoto, Japan. He is the husband of Myoan Grace Schireson and is especially interested in Zen practice as it arises in and enlivens everyday life in the world. Peter is also a partner in a market research company, a grandfather, and a student of classical guitar.
In May of 2012 Kuzan received dharma transmission from his teacher, Chikudo Lew Richmond.

One comment

Peter, That was a very fine piece of writing. Subtle and helpful. So different from the only other piece of writing I know of yours. But in view of your other recent piece I couldn’t help but wonder if your comments about a person trying to look younger than they really are wasn’t directed at someone in particular.. Maybe not. But as you know some people in the Zen world have very little interest in wearing medieval Japanese costume. On the other hand some people wear them like suits of armor. Like you said, how a person dresses is part of a person’s avatar. It is part of personal karma. Some of the seeds we toss out grow to fruit in other people’s minds as well as our own. In some minds you will forever be linked with the ‘Steven Colbert Is Afraid to Say It’ post. That is unfortunate Peter because it wasn’t one of your better moments. I hope.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Comment

Name *

Email *

Website

CAPTCHA Code*

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.

About Kuzan Peter Schireson

Kuzan Peter Schireson is currently Practice Leader at Empty Nest Zendo in California. He was ordained as a Lay Teacher by Sojun Mel Weitsman of Berkeley Zen Center in 2003 and as a Soto Zen priest by Chikudo Lew Richmond of Vimala Zen Center in 2008. Peter was originally introduced to practice by Joshu Sasaki Roshi in 1964 and has practiced since then primarily in the Suzuki Roshi lineage in California as well as with Keido Fukushima Roshi, the late Rinzai abbot of Tofuku-ji Monastery in Kyoto, Japan. He is the husband of Myoan Grace Schireson and is especially interested in Zen practice as it arises in and enlivens everyday life in the world. Peter is also a partner in a market research company, a grandfather, and a student of classical guitar.
In May of 2012 Kuzan received dharma transmission from his teacher, Chikudo Lew Richmond.

About Sweeping Zen

Established in 2009 as a grassroots initiative, Sweeping Zen is a digital archive of information on Zen Buddhism. Featuring in-depth interviews, an extensive database of biographies, news, articles, podcasts, teacher blogs, events, directories and more, this site is dedicated to offering the public a range of views in the sphere of Zen Buddhist thought. We are also endeavoring to continue creating lineage charts for all Western Zen lines, doing our own small part in advancing historical documentation on this fabulous import of an ancient tradition. Come on in with a tea or coffee. You're always bound to find something new.

Sweeping Zen is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.