Sexual Feelings When Breastfeeding

Oh, it feels like such a taboo subject, I’m almost scared to write about it. Actually, I’m really scared because the thought of an angry mob coming after me accusing me of child abuse — you know, because I’m an extended breastfeeder — is rather off putting.

I remember as a first time mom with a baby a few months old sitting in a circle with a group of mothers when one confessed that she sometimes feels sexual arousal from breastfeeding. And I remember thinking there was something a little weird about that. I didn’t have problems breastfeeding, but I certainly didn’t find it orgasmic!

In almost three years of breastfeeding, working with breastfeeding women, and becomingsomething of a lactivist, I never heard of this phenomenon again.

Then my second child was born and with her came toe-curling, breath-catching, painful thrush — and a sickeningly sexually stimulating feeling when my toddler breastfed. I felt so horrible about it, like there was something wrong with me, and I couldn’t understand what was going on. I certainly couldn’t talk to anyone about it!

Fortunately, Google is relatively anonymous and when I started researching it, I found that it is a fairly common thing, but there has been only one study I could find, and there’s very little formal information on it.

However, if you consider how breastmilk is made, and you realise that oxytocin is a hormone that stimulates ejection of milk, that release is triggered by breast stimulation, and that oxytocin does other things in the body too — like contractions of the uterus during childbirth and during orgasm — it actually makes a lot of sense.

“In a 2000 study of breastfeeding women, 40.5% of the participants reported feeling sexually aroused at some point during infant suckling. 16.7% reported being aroused frequently during breastfeeding. In a more recent paper that reviewed several studies between 33-50% of women described breastfeeding as erotic (and 25% of those women said they felt guilty about it).”1

Now, you might think this plays into the argument of people who say that mothers breastfeed toddlers for their own gratification, but the problem is that while it may be a sexual feeling, it is not a pleasant one. Not by a long shot. (It may be for some, but for many it is extremely uncomfortable!)

I found it heartbreaking, to see how my relationship with my older child was changing because I so dreaded nursing her, and while we were nursing sometimes, I’d have to physically yank my breast away from her because I couldn’t handle the sensation. I hated nursing her and hated that the change happened overnight.

Incidentally, nursing my baby wasn’t a problem at all — it was just the toddler!

If you’ve experienced or are experiencing this sexual stimulation during nursing, and you’re finding it hard or uncomfortable, and can’t or don’t want to force wean your older child, I have good news for you: It ends. I don’t know when or how it did, but a few days ago I was nursing when I realised I wasn’t entirely grossed out by it. I was so incredibly relieved!

Also, you’re not alone. You’re not unusual, you’re not a freak, and you’re not at risk of abusing your child.

It’s been five long months, and I actually look forward to restoring some of the joy to our nursing relationship now, and again intend to continue breastfeeding as long as my beautiful daughter wishes to do so.

I do think it’s worth talking about though, because as a “common” phenomenon, it’s very underrepresented in conversations and education about breastfeeding, and I think being prepared for the possibility, the first months of tandem breastfeeding would have been a lot less conflicting and I could have settled into it much more easily.

Have you experienced feelings of arousal or distress during breastfeeding? How have you coped?

About The Author: Luschka

Luschka is a mother to two little girls. She is passionate about the principles of Attachment Parenting, and although she admits to learning as she goes, she likes to share what she's learnt with others - possibly because of her experiences in adult education. AP challenges a lot of Luschka's own background, which she loves as it makes her research and study everything. She writes at Diary of a First Child , documenting the journey for those parents who don't live in idyllic isolation, but still want to follow this path with their families.

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32 Responses to Sexual Feelings When Breastfeeding

I absolutely battled the sexual arousal feelings when I nursed my toddler through pregnancy (and after my son was born). When it first started it as so incredibly creepy! Then I tried to focus on what I might do with that energy once she was nursed to sleep. But literally once she stopped nursing, the arousal stopped. It is definitely a physical stimulation thing. And it is so important to know how very normal it is!

I didn’t personally deal with this but I know several women who did and I appreciate you talking about it. Honestly, I wish people could just get over the whole breastfeeding vs sexuality thing. We have bodies and they respond to stimulus. It’s not the same as being mentally engaged in sexual fantasy, kwim?

Absolutely! And when you KNOW that you’re not cognitively ‘getting off’ on your kids, but your body is still trying to respond to the stimulus, it can be incredibly confusing. I regularly now think of that first time mum in our baby group and don’t think it’s any surprise that she stopped breastfeeding soon after. It is such a horrible feeling.

OMG- thankyou! I have had this problem since I started tandem nursing and I couldn’t figure it out. It’s toe curling and makes me feel sick to my stomach until I have to rip her off (JUST THE TODDLER). I assumed it was because she always had a terrible latch due to tongue/lip tie issues and I got pregnant when she was 10 months and getting her teeth. I was barely able to nurse during pregnancy cuz it hurt so bad; so when I started tandem nursing I was shocked. I thought maybe it was all the new teeth and that her suckle was more like an adults now and my body was just trained to react that way, after all my husband was a boob guy. Many days I find myself wishing my breasts had never and will never again be sexual objects. It has even effected my relationship with my husband because I dont want him to touch them, let alone licking or sucking them and like I said he is a boob man. I tried to explain to him what was going on and he thought it was really weird but is trying to be supportive.

I’m so glad to hear your husband is being supportive. It’s really tough, but it’s for a time and a season. It will all change again 🙂 I’m so glad the post helped you. I was really shocked by the experience and was so glad to find I wasn’t the only one! Just so you know, and to reiterate what I said, it does go away… when probably differs from person to person, but it does go away. Hang in there!

Ohhhh this is actually very enlightening. I was aware that many moms find tandem nursing ‘icky’ and that it’s all related to the toddler. I then experienced this myself and hated nursing my toddler so much after the birth of her brother that I had to stop because it was straining my relationship with her terribly. I knew all of these things but I didn’t relate it to a sexual issue until reading your post and now it makes a lot of sense! I just couldn’t put a finger on what that awful sensation was. It’s been a year since I stopped nursing her but even now whenever she nuzzles her head near my breasts (when hugging) I have a similar icky sensation and want to push her away. It’s very sad that it’s still a problem. It has never happened with her brother but, of course, I have never tandem nursed with him as a toddler. He actually self-weaned at 14 months (to my dismay – so young!) two months before the birth of his younger brother.

I am not a mother yet, but this is something that I have heard of in the past (briefly). You’re right, it is a taboo subject and it’s embarrassing for women to admit. I know that if/when I am a mother and if I experience this, I can imagine my first reaction would be one of horror and embarrassment! I appreciate that you have tackled this subject. I’m going to pass this along to a friend. Thanks! 🙂

Thanks for the article. I had a feeling that this may be an issue when I first started breast feeding. The breasts are purposely stimulated during sex because it feels good for most so I was a little nervous about whether this would happen while breastfeeding. I found it best to meditate whenever this happened. This would calm down the stimulations as well as any tensions that were building up from being uncomfortable. All the good and bad hormones that are released in your body get passed to the baby so I think its best to think happy comfortable thoughts while nursing.

Tell me about it! Its horrible I hate when he gets hungry and when I feed him I’m just wishing and hoping that he hurries up and finishes eating so the feeling can go away I’m seriously thinking about just bottle feeding him so that I don’t have to get that feeling it makes me feel horrible when it happens

I’m giving birth anytime…..thank you this article and the responses are very interesting…..I am also worrid about feeling this sensation when I’m already nursing my baby girl….I have borderline personality and might suffer from depression after my delivery……and I know if I’ll have the guilty feelings while nursing my baby it will increase my depression…thanks for educating me about this…more power!,

Hello Hyacinthia. Congratulations on your soon to be baby. I hope it all goes well for you. I think the first thing to remember is that knowledge is power. If I knew I was likely to have post natal depression – which I was worried about for a variety of reasons, after my second was born – I would definitely keep the placenta for encapsulation. Placenta ‘tablets’ are said to help with post natal depression, so it’s worth considering!

As for the guilty feelings and coping with the sensations themselves, don’t worry about it. Worry just makes everything harder, and you’re going to find so many things to feel guilty about, you don’t need to add this to your list. Some women NEVER experience it. You may not. Best of luck to you, and if you have any questions, do join us on the facebook page for help and advice!

Throughout nursing my daughter for 2.5 years, this was something that happened to me quite often, and from the beginning. I always got and overall body buzz of good feeling and, yes, sometimes some sexual arousal. I never let myself be shamed by it. Of course nursing should be pleasant, nature needs us to want to do it. Sometimes we accredit sensual feelings to something naughty when they just aren’t. I never thought of my child in a sexual way, it was just a physical sensation.

I, too, have had these issues with my toddler after her sister was born. I wonder, for me, if I have extra oxytocin given that I am tandem nursing? I try limiting her handling of my other breast and that seems to help. I realize that it doesn’t mean that I’m an awful person. (Even women that are raped may be aroused and orgasm but that doesn’t mean the enjoy being raped). Thanks for writing about this.

Maybe the reason you couldnt find anything about this was because it sounds very much like nursing aversion, when i had my 2nd child apart from one time i had nursing aversion when my toddler attempted to reuptake nursing (she half self weaned when i conceived) hope that helps you find more information on it 🙂

Oh my goodness!!!! I cannot believe what I am reading and how utterly thankful I am to be reading it!! I literally just made a youtube video about my 10 month breast feeding aversion I have had with my toddler and have been in tears about it nightly. Feelings of rage and disappointment and regret and just so much tension surrounding my breast feeding relationship with my daughter. I now tandem breast feed and just like others have mentioned it is problematic primarily with my older one. For a few weeks I have been tuning into my body and trying to figure out why bd where the tension is residing. I notice it makes my uterus tight and strong tension in my vagina. Not pleasurable at all more stressful. As this tightening happens so does my aversion increase! I started to wonder if orgasm would help lessen my aversion. After I got pregnant with my second my sexual activity slowed to almost nothing. Hense I had no orgasm and can honestly say I havent had one for 10 months. When I was still very sexually active and releasing sexual tension through orgasm with my partner my breast feeding experience felt very natural and comforting, peaceful and loving. Not sexual at att. Just how it should feel between mother and child. Now a days my sexual tension is high and thus my tolerence to nursing is low. I’m having a huge brain storm and huge apiphanies right now finding your link here and connecting the dots of my symptoms. And maybe realeasing sexual tension on my own or with a partner may actually repair, heal and make plesant my breast feeding relation ship with my children, primarily the older one!!!

Omg this happens to me all the time but unlike the other mothers with thier older children it’s happened with both my children from about a week old. I just thought it was because I loved my husband sucking on my breast during sexual
intercourse before I had children & my body just automatically reacted that way when I breast feed. It still happens now but I can ignore it, it’s more of a tightening of the uterus feeling(contracting) it only seems gross if you think about it that way, as soon as I stop breast feeding it goes away.

I’m glad I am not alone struggling with this! I felt so betrayed by my body. I loved breastfeeding all my children, but my last one I fed into toddler age. I only got these feeling with the last one. I do find that I only get these feelings around the time I ovulate and again before menstruation begins. The rest of the time it’s smooth sailing. I refuse to let this influence a decision to wean my toddler before we both are ready, so I will just relax and remember that it’s normal =).

Wow… this post is really insightful. I also have orgasmic feelings during breastfeeding, but they do not feel genital or sexual in the ordinary sense. Because of this, I feel comfortable enjoying the feeling flow through my body and do not feel “icky” about it. I went through a long healing process regarding my sexual energy and holding shame feelings in my body before I got pregnant. In studying chakras and yoga, I started understanding that sexual energy is the same as “life force” energy, which is the energy of joy and pleasure as experienced freely by babies and children. The problem only comes about when we are taught to be ashamed of our bodies and/or we go through puberty with lessons from the world (e.g. television and movies) that our sexual feelings are connected to our genitals and that bodies are sexual objects. This is actually the “normal” way people are raised in most cultures today. I think this reaction that most of you are having is a normal symptom of this cultural phenomenon based on how we were raised. When we are able to bring these shame feelings up for healing in a self-loving way, we can release the blissful energy back into our whole body experience and regain this “orgasmic” energy in our daily activities without associating it with genital (or breast ) sex. As I began to heal myself spiritually and psychologically in this way, I started to remember how it felt to be a young child again. Children usually have an unlimited source of this universal “orgasmic” energy, and that’s why they are so happy, energetic, and innocent. I know this sounds backwards in many ways to what we have learned, but it’s possible to reconnect to that state of innocence, and it actually improves our bonding relationship with our sexual partners too.

Thank you for this post. I had such difficulty nursing my daughter when she was born as a result of feelings of guilt and thinking that something was wrong with me because of feelings of arousal. I stopped breastfeeding her at four months as a result, something I also feel guilty about.
Only tonight have I explored this, my daughter is 2.5 now. I’m so relieved to have learned that many woman experience this and that I am not somehow a freak. I will feel more resolved to continue nursing and speak about this when our second one arrives. Thank you again for shining a light on this.

Omg I so happy to come across this. I started feeling this a few days ago and it made me cry because it felt weird. I nurse my 2 week old babygirl and after about 5-10 minutes that’s when the feeling starts. Then once she’s done nursing the feeling stops. Sometimes I just want to take her off, pump and bottle feed her because the feeling is so uncomfortable. I have two older girls ages 6 and 4. They both were breastfed as well and I’ve never experienced this. It’s great to know that this is normal and I’m not the only one that goes through this.

I feel as though a lot of commetors are mixing this feeling of the arousal mixed up with nipple aversion or breastfeeding aversion because I experienced both one the sexual one does not bother me it’s more like a sense of happiness I wouldn’t quite place it in the I need to go and fix myself afterwarda just a height in sensation. As for breastfeeding arousal it’s like I want to throw my older son across the room and run as far as I possibly can. The sensation is like nothing I caneven compare…like glass shattering and than someone picking up that glass and running it along a plate making that awful sound but place that in your skin..or on those old cartoons wherr the characters hair stands on end and they are vibrating. It’s just a terrible feeling. I feel anxious and angry sometimes I want to just scream and slam my face against the wall. This would be a perfect torture device because it’s a salinity horendous

Oh my gosh!! This stuff brought tears in my eyes!!i love my baby so much! She is my angel! My blessing!!
I have always been so guilty for what happening to my body while breast feeding!! I still always managed to feed my baby coz its my responsibility! I have already been suffering with postpartum anxiety plus this discomfort while breast feeding only made me feel more and more worst!! I cursed myself for not being so natural like all other moms!! I know about how oxytocin the same hormone serves both the purposes in the body!! Thats how i convinced my self!! But its extreamely uncomfortable!! I wish God has not made both breasts and oxytocin to serve both different purposes!! I think too much and make things worst! Iam glad i found some more mothers like me!! I believe in power of a mother!! Watever i go through i wil never make anything affect my baby! Iam strong I can overcome anything!!

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