My Fiancee’s Driving

January 25, 2011

Pictures of things she may actually hit while driving.

When my fiancée is driving the car, being a passenger is like riding one of those fly-by-night, poorly maintained carnival roller coasters. I’m reasonably sure that I won’t die, but the thought is persistent enough that I can never quite relax and enjoy the ride. (Plus both experiences have made me vomit.)

It’s not that I don’t trust her driving skills or her counter-intuitive grasp of traffic laws, it’s more that I hate not being in control. Well, that and call me old-fashioned if you like, but when I scream “GO LEFT! LEFT!” there should be absolutely no reason I should ever have to follow-up with “YOUR OTHER LEFT!”

“But surely,” you may ask, “if she can pass the driver’s test, she must be qualified to pilot a 4000 pound cage of steel as it barrels down treacherous ice-encrusted roads?” Surprisingly, the answer is “No.” (As a general rule most of my questions can usually be answered “No.”) Getting a driver’s license only conferred the confidence of an Ice Road Trucker upon my sweet fiancée and unfortunately none of requisite skill.

“Do you see the deer?” she asks excitedly.

“No, but do you see THAT HOMELESS MAN?” I shriek in response.

Yes, things are a little stressful when I let my fiancee drive the car. Sure, sometimes I wish I could resort to my parents’ old trick of doping me up with enough orange-flavored Triaminic to induce a near coma-like sleep so that I won’t hear the blaring horns and shouted profanities. On occasion, I may pretend to be “resting my eyes” so that I don’t have to actually see our frequent brushes with death.

But I’ll tell you one thing. Letting my fiancée drive is definitely better than having to stop and ask for directions. I am so “directionally challenged” that I often get lost in long wooded driveways. Sometimes I get confused by intersections and stop signs that I have driven by hundreds of times before in my own neighborhood. This is my curse and shame.

I think that is why we make such a good couple though. She may not be the best driver and I may be completely horrible with directions, but together we make a great team. (That and she actually believed me when I told her about my other curse that causes nearby streetlights to suddenly burn out whenever I am driving at night.) Now that is true love.