Penis Pizza

Crappy Papa is in the bathroom with them to make sure they don’t drown each other or crash tidal waves across the floor.

The doorbell rings. Pizza delivery man is here.

I’m right near the door so I guess I’ll have to answer it. Normally I’d make Crappy Papa handle these things. You know, human interactions. But he is on tub duty. The kids are happily singing a song.

I open the door. The pizza delivery man hands me the pizza box. Up until now I had tuned out exactly what the kids were singing about. But now I notice:

I’ll ignore it, that is what I’ll do! Act like I can’t hear it. If I act like I can’t hear it then he won’t be able to hear it either.

I take the pizza box. Normally I’d walk five steps and set it on the table, but there is no time for that today. I toss it down onto the floor. Uh oh, that probably looked weird. Now he knows I’m rushing. He knows that I can hear “penis, penis” which means he can hear it too.

They start screaming PENIS PENIS PENIS at the top of their lungs with shrieks of laughter in between.

The pizza delivery man hands me the receipt to sign. (PENIS! PENIS!)

He has one you know. A penis. This is why this is so awkward. (PENIS!)

Should I say something? Should I make a joke about the kids? Is ignoring it better? I can’t think of anything funny to say! (PENIS! PENIS!)

(PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!)

I look at the total and have to decide how much tip to give. (PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!)

I frantically sign it and hand it back and throw the pen at him. (PENIS! PENIS!)

Crappy Cat runs to the door and attempts to bolt outside but I stop him by stepping on him with my foot. (Gently. Relax cat freaks.)

I’m embarrassed and acting so odd that he must think I’m absolutely crazy. Which I am, but I don’t want other people to know.

Balancing on the cat, I manage to say thanks and shut the door.

I will now LOUDLY yell to the kids that the pizza is here and to get out of the tub. I’ll intentionally do it loud enough so that the pizza delivery man walking down our porch steps will hear it. This will reassure him that everything is totally normal in our house. That this whole thing has unfazed me. Just a regular mom with silly kids.

427 Responses to Penis Pizza

Me too. O-M-G. Almost couldn’t breathe. You’re a comedic genius, Amber. The crappy blushing tipped the scale for me and it just built up from there! They *do* smell embarassment. But don’t worry, karma is a beotch when they’re teens.

Me too, holy smokes! I was laughing so hard, especially when you threw the pizza on the floor. My husband was looking at me funny so I made him read it too and he was laughing too. Our son also likes to sing about his penis. Too funny.

This reminds me of when my daughter was young and my sister and her bf came over. my daughter got out of the tub and came to my sister in a towel and said she talks, my sis says who talks, my daughter points to her VJJ and says it sings wanna hear? well this is to much for not answering yes, so she starts singing Vagina won’t you blow Vagina won’t you blow your horn. LOL my sis bf was embarrassed and the rest of us were rolling on the floor.

This comment is almost as good as the post!
I have 5, mostly grown, kids and 2.9 grand kids (he’s almost baked enough). The singing vajayjay sounds like something my almost 3yo grand daughter would say… while grinding out her “nakie” dance.
I’ve tried telling her Mommy to keep her away from poles.

Sounds totally normal to me, but I had nine kids, and 7 1/2 grandkids, and some of them really liked that word. At least it wasn’t vagina. If you had girls, that is what they would have been singing…..probably.

Maybe she has a grandkid on the way…it just has not reached the birthing stage yet. Perhaps the grandkid is just 5 months in the making, still in the womb stages which would make it 1/2 a grandkid…I know, I over-think these things. Ta da..

normally my 6 year old loves to look at this blog with me. i think i will keep this one from her. i should probably stop letting her see crappy boy’s and crappy abby’s antics anyhow. she made me a comic strip for mothers day that started with me changing her brother’s diapers and ended with him trowing poop at me in the shower……. 🙂 my kid never yells “penis” . the big one yelled “shit!”. sigh.

Also, my cat does this to me, too. When I’m trying to get rid of a pushy teenage baseball team member trying to sell me water softener salt. Or when I’m trying to get my oldest out the door in the morning for school, and the phone is ringing and the baby is falling out of its high chair. My cat bolts for the freedom he hasn’t had in 17 years.

Now everytime he does it, I’m going to think of the singing of penises in unison and pizza delivery boys. Oh dear!

OMG I literally have tears running down my face!!! Reminds me of the time my friends young boy was yelling, “FARK, FARK, FARK, WHO FARKED?” at the top of his lungs all the way thru the grocery store. The entire store was laughing, WE were not!!!

Yes, we’ve had to cringe behind a trolley and pretend that the sweet little girl cheerfully announcing “fark” to passers by isn’t ours. She knew it had that effect on us, cos she kept watching us with a sadistic little smile on her cherubic face.

OH MY GOD! That has got to be the funniest thing I have ever read. I love love love your blog, but OMFG lol!! I get tongue tied with my kids all the time and slip silly words into sentences they have no business being in based on the background noise (of which, with 4 kids who all talk to some degree or other, is alot of noise lol). I tell my husband I need help folding the poop instead of the laundry, all kinds of gems. So i TOTALLY got this post. I shall await the future post the next time you order dinner and the boys ask you if the penis is here yet 😉 <3

Ha ha ha! Kids definitely have a radar on the most inappopriate time to embarrass their parents. I think that’s why they get so embarrassed by us when they’re teenagers. It’s simply karmic retribution. Just wait a few years and revenge will be yours!:)

yesterday I was trying to reassure my 22 yr old daughter about an injection to shrink a keloid on her nose and I told her “you just squeezed a baby from your vagina, I think you can handle a tiny needle” in front of my almost 3 yr old son. so when she was on the phone talking to her m-i-l on the phone in the car he was yelling in the back ground “YOUR BABY SQUEEZED OUT OF YOUR VAGINA!!” over and over and over. I have to watch what I say.

LOL! Moms need to share these experiences with each other, it’s therapeutic. I have children that act much the same as yours do. it’s always good to come over to your blog and see that you are having the same type of day I am. We are in good company. 🙂

My daughter knew the difference between a penis and a vagina….until my son came along when she was 2. Since then, she insists she has a penis too. I take her (now 3) to the park and put her in the baby swings, and she likes to say (nay, yell) that the leg divider hurts her penis. “swing hurting’ my penis, mama!” “you don’t have a penis!” I whisper. and eventually, she caves. “my swing hurting my GINA!”

Thank you thank you thank you for one of the best laughs I have had in a while. Well except the recent one where my 35 month old came up to me, looked me in the eyes, cupped my face with his hands, leaned in and then licked my face.

Oh my gosh, between the story, and the cute pink cheeks, and standing on the cat (which I’ve done so I totally get what you’re doing) I can’t remember the last time I’ve laughed so hard!!! Thanks for the giggles!

A couple of weeks ago, my youngest was supposed to be getting his underwear and PJs on while I paid for pizza. As I’m standing there signing the receipt, I hear his little 3 year old giggle and start to ask if he’d like to help take the pizza to the dinner table. I turn to see him bare naked with his underwear on his head, holding his penis. I’ve never been so happy to be dark-skinned in my life (so the delivery guy couldn’t see me blush). I sternly told him to go put his clothes on, whilst struggling to hold back my laughter. Boys are too much fun. *sigh

Lucinda, Thank you for giving me another laugh—I cannot believe how many funny embarassing moments my children gave me—that I have completely forgotten…then I read these posts…and the memories come back to make me laugh all over again!

Bwahahahaha!!! This made me laugh so hard! The weather the other day was gorgeous so when we went out in the van we had all of the windows open. While putting my son in the car after getting groceries he said that the buckle of his car seat was hurting his pee thing. We corrected him and told him it was called a penis. Then he starts chanting penis over and over as I’m getting his brother buckled in. To my embarassment there was a car parked right next to it with two people sitting inside who heard the entire thing. LOL.

In a similar route of parental hilarity, the other day my 3 yo brought me my phone, and I noticed that he had made a phone call (still on the call) lasting upwards of 5 minutes. On the other end of the line? The voicemail of the company that my husband had been trying to get an interview with! That’s right, up to 5 minutes of our private family interactions (probably some penis talk in there…) on their voicemail!!! Awesome. And um… no interview. 🙂

My daughter passed this along to me and I’m still laughing! I can relate to Emily S. though too! My daughter texted me the other day and said her 2 1/2 yr old son had called DHS 5 times! Think what might have been happening at your house in the last 15 or 20 minutes or in the case of the penis story, when your child called DHS? ROTFLOL!!

Oh gotta love freudian slips!! Hahaha!! Priceless!! My husband named our wireless network “Wiiness”… I accidentally said that our wireless network was called “Penis” to one of my cousins who had never been over before… I then said “I meant Wiiness! Wiiness!”

Sometimes there just aren’t things you should read at work. This would be one of them. I just want to bust out laughing, but I can’t. Trying to supress my laughter is making my stomach hurt and my eyes water.

The other day my mom and sister were over for dinner. My 3 year old son was running around with only a tee-shirt on (we’re potty training) and I told him to go put on some underwear because no one wanted to see his pee-pee. He promptly took his finger and pushed it in and yelled “see, there is no pee-pee any more!”. All of us couldn’t help but laugh. So not what I was expecting.

This is precisely why we do not teach our children proper names for sex organs. Just cutesy nicknames…
Does my 4 year old know the molecular weight of oxygen?
Yes.
Can she build a model of a water molecule?
Yes. (Ok, only because it looks like Mickey Mouse…but still)
Has she ever heard the words vagina or penis?
NO!

PSA: should your kids ever need to talk about their anatomy in court, nicknames are not admissible testimony. I figure it’s easier to teach them clinical terms before trauma occurs. (And, of course, work my ass off making sure that doesn’t happen. But just in case, we’re nerdy about the periodic table AND periods.)

parental embarrassment is a small price to pay for protecting your kids from sexual predators. All the literature I’ve ever read on preventing sexual abuse of kids says the same thing – that talking to your kids openly about their genitals – giving them the correct names for them is hugely important. Pedophiles will target children who don’t know the names of sex organs because it’s a sign to them that the parents aren’t willing to talk openly with their children about sex and are communicating (whether intentionally or not) that it’s something to be kept secret or be ashamed about, making it more likely the child will NOT report to or tell the parent that they’ve been abused.

I am disappointed to see such negative replies to Lisa’s comment. She is making a parenting choice that may be different from yours, but that doesn’t make it a bad one. It certainly does not men her children will be attacked by pedophiles.
I also chose to teach my daughter cutesy nicknames for private parts when she was young, precisely because I knew she would use them in public. When she was old enough to understand the difference between public and private (ie. appropriate speech/behavior for each) we had an age appropriate conversation about correct terminology. We also did a homeschool unit on anatomy around that time which helped I think.
Let’s please be respectful of each other’s parenting choices, even if we disagree.

Please don’t accuse me of being disrespectful. I didn’t call Lisa names or say she was an idiot for making the choices she has made, I simply wrote what I believed to be important information about protecting her children. If she chooses not to believe me or act on it, that’s fine. I’m not saying her children will be targeted by pedophiles I’m passing along info that pedophiles often view children who have not been taught names for sexual organs because they see those children as more vulnerable. I assumed she possibly wasn’t aware of this info. If I’m wrong that’s fine. Why is it wrong for me to be concerned and want to give her what I believe to be important information? Why is that being negative?

ha ha! I wish I had thought about that! I decided not to use the word “no” around my firstborn..(that way, I figured, I wouldn’t have to hear my toddler screaming, “NO!” at me)Instead, I used,”That’s not for babies,” in a sweet sing-song voice….that was a cool idea, I thought, until he headed for something dangerous, one day, when the baby was in my arms, and I yelled,”NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!” -shocking myself and my toddler into freezing in place for at least 60 seconds!

Ah, parental embarrassment stories. I don’t have any of my own yet as my boys are 8mos old and 2yrs old, but I’m sure I will soon. Meanwhile, I’ll share some from my childhood.

When I was around 2-3yrs old, my I was quite active and rambunctious. My dad would joke that for christmas he was going to buy me tie down straps and a muzzle. Well christmas rolled around, and you’ll never guess what I asked the santa clause at the mall for. My mom was beyond mortified.

Our next door neighbors had kids the same age as my brothers and I, and we grew up together for about a decade. One day, her husband brought his boss home from work. Her boys (3 and 4 at the time) came running down the hall, and wanted to show everyone their “airport”. So they all go down the hall, but instead of going to their bedroom, they go to the bathroom. Where they had taken every single one of their moms maxipads with wings out of the box and stuck them all over the walls, floor, tub, etc.

My youngest brother could not say his “TR” sound to save his soul. It always came out as an “F” sound. Unfortunately, he also loved trucks. This put my mother in many embarrassing situations which she handled gracefully for the most part, since by then I guess the rest of us had embarrassed her enough for this to be a small thing. Except one time. We were at church. My mom and I were walking down the hall after service to pick my youngest brother up from the pre-school class. On the way down we hear it. “Give me my F—! I want my F—!” In fact, everyone heard it loud and clear. We get to the door to see him chasing a sweet little girl with curly blond hair, screaming that he wanted his truck. I swear, she barely kept herself from fainting. She slumped back against the wall, and looked as though she wanted to crawl into a hole and die. An elderly woman saved the day, breaking the silence by patting her on the shoulder and saying “Don’t worry dear, some day you’ll be able to pay him back by telling this story to his future wife.”

The first word I ever said clear as day was ‘Shit’. We were eating dinner, I sat between mom and dad, I dropped my food on the floor. I said ‘Shit!’ My mother looked at my father and told him I was no allowed to be out with him while he wrenched on the car anymore. Small pitchers have big ears.

bwah hahahahaha!!
My kids sing the same song at the grocery store,Joann’s, Staples, chick Fil A etc etc, but in a round robin style and with “fart” and “butt” thrown in for extra spice…. I have completely given up and embraced the crazy. The cashier at Staples loves us “you just seem like a fun family” hahahaha! O.o

OMG, I’m dying here reading this. It brought back memories of my daughter when she was about two singing “boobies” at the top of her lungs while we were walking past the lingerie department in Kohls on a Super Saturday. Oh, yeah, she was also reaching out of the cart to grab all the bras. Proudest moment of my life – NOT!!!!

don’t know if I can type with so many tears in my eyes. I hurt from laughing so hard. I know I will have spontaneous moments of chuckling today which will make others wonder if I am crazy…yes I am after 4 kids and 4 grandkids I AM crazy..that’s why I relate to this story because I am there with you. This is REAL life !! I am so happy you are here to keep us all just a little on the sane side of life by letting us sound off together. ilOVEyOu!!

I have girls so I can’t relate to the “penis” song but the cat bolting and steping on her part and turning and yelling after you shut the door so the outside person thinks your family is “normal” is soooo me. Then only to yell something quite off-color in the midst of trying to sound cool… classic! Well done. Loved the blush touch!

We were visiting my mOther in VT last year and went to a small store down the road. There is a little museum type place next door that has thousands of rooster statues and pictures and so on. Well, dh made the mistake of calling them cocks in front of our then 3 year old. For 6 moths all he said in the most unopertune times was “cock!!! Cock!!”. Haha.

LMFAO…..I am laughing so hard right now. I have 3 girls and a baby boy. My youngest girl learned the word penis from my friend’s son. It’s now her favorite word. When her brother was born, she proudly told the nurse “Look, he has a penis!” O_o

We have a little girl and just found out we are having another little girl (21 weeks pregnant). I am very happy to be having a healthy baby but was a little disappointed not to be having a boy, however after laughing my butt off at this I think I might be glad to be having two girls!! 🙂 LOL!!! (At least I don’t think vagina is as easy for kids to say!)

I wouldn’t bet on it. I used to babysit for someone who related the tale of taking her 5 yo daughter grocery shopping with her when she was heavily pregnant. 5 yo announced at the top of her lungs at the end of an aisle (ie everyone can hear in at least three directions) “Mummy, you’re not having this baby ‘ginally, are you?” Mummy in question figured it couldn’t get much worse and answered in an equally loud voice “That’s right, Mummy is having a Caesarean section”…

Yes, you will get embarrassed eventually..! At a big family reunion when my youngest daughter was 3 – she said to her 3 year old girl cousin as they were coloring “it’s call a vagina” as loud and plain as the sky is blue. No one knew what their conversaion was about but everyone laughed at the funnyness of it!!! This may be a good reason to *not* teach them the proper word until they are–say like 5?!?!

Thank you for making me feel so normal! Your blog makes me realize that no matter what we do to raise our kids “right” they all have the same basic instincts and that’s ultimately what drives their behavior. I could have hugged you after recently reading the post about being ungrateful for gifts. That and the one about not telling them about great things to come 2 weeks off (when the grandparents announced the trip to Disney). BTW, when we do that, I create a countdown paper chain so he can rip a loop off every day and can count how many days until the big adventure.

I’ve gotta share a story of my own . . . My then 3 year old son had heard me mentioning to a friend (he was across the room, I had no idea he could hear me much less was listening) that my bra didn’t fit right because of the pregnancy related changes I was undergoing. We stopped at Target a few days later and he bolted right for the sale rack of what he thought was bras (they were actually bikini tops) and announced loud enough for all the other sale shoppers to hear, “Hey mom, these are nice bras. You need a new bra, remember, yours don’t fit.” I just calmly said, “Thanks honey” and smiled at the chuckling shoppers.

I’ve also had a Target/bra mishap. When my son was not quite two I had him in the buggy and went into that particular section. He started grabbing all the bras he could reach off the racks and tossing them into the buggy, pausing only to point at my boobs with both hands and squeal “It’s fa ya mamas!” I had to hang the buggy out into the isle where he couldn’t reach any more to get them put back and there was this old lady just about killing herself laughing the whole time.

the comments are making me laugh out loud just as much as the original cartoon. this one about the bras is priceless. and the comic made me remember when my friend and I were maybe 7 and 6, and being very silly and hyper at the dinner table. my mother meant to say,:settle down, girls, and at with your silverware!” but it came out “EAT WITH YOUR UNDERWEAR!” and we thought that really hilarious and went pointing our butts at our food plates as if eating with our underwear.

You make me laugh every single day. (Thank you!) Today you made me laugh so hard I cried! Then I had a coughing fit because I have a cold and hysterical laughter will do that to you. I’m still laughing now. And crying. I pretty much look like a mad woman.

Not long ago I took my 2 year old son to Target, and we always have to stop to look at books. He saw ‘the Belly Button Book’ by Sandra Boynton and pointed out the hippo with a belly button on the cover. I said something about him having a belly button, too. To which he replied sadly, “no. I don’t.” Then he got a huge grin and yelled at the top of his lungs, “but I have a PENIS!!”

And of course I had never seen the book aisles as crowded as they were that day.

LOL! I could feel your anxiety as if it were happening to me! I hate those awkward exchanges as it is, let alone having a penis soundtrack accompany it. HIlarious! My son loves to talk about penis when there are strangers around – says things like “do you have a penis?” or “did God make my penis?” You know – not awkward at all…

I know the pizza guy had a blast telling that story to anyone who would listen. I deliver pizzas and have kids that embarrass me with things that pop out of their mouths. I laughed so hard I cried and sobbed. I will now tell this story to anyone who will listen to me!
Just the other day my 3 year old asked me, “Mom? Do you remember when your boobs had milk?”
Awesome.

Monty Python has a great penis song on their Meaning of Life movie…which my aunt got me when I was 12- not my mom’s favorite gift that Christmas, but I learned a lot of other names for the penis. I now find myself singing it during diaper changes with my 1yo son.

my mom was taking care of a 6months old when our pizza guy arrived once. I was too young to realize how embarrassing it was, but she was in the middle of changing him when the door bell rang. She took a naked baby boy to the door to grab the pizza and pay the guy, and as soon as she got the door open (baby in one hand, money in the other) He peed. Yup. Everywhere.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the pizza guy. I have a friend who delivered penises..I mean pizzas..and though you were embarrassed, at least you were clothed. Pizza guys see some crazy stuff out there!

My kids like to run around in their underwear in the house (ages 3 & 5) and no matter how many times I tell them to stay in their rooms while I answer the door…. it never fails that they come running up to the door in their undies :O So now I have to get them dressed just for pizza delivery.

I didn’t catch if this was asked already… but are you *sure* crappy papa was actually shushing them??? Or do you think he was egging them on a little 😉 I think my husband would have been encouraging the Penis song lol.

So funny… and true! Reminds me of when my daughter was 2 or 3 and went through a phase (yes, repeatedly for a while, not just an instance) where she loudly sang “Jesus, what a penis coming, hallelujah!” She sang it at home, at swimming class, at church, everywhere. I was horrified! And could not figure out where she had picked up this little ditty. Eventually we realized it was how she was hearing, “Jesus, Prince of Peace is coming, hallelujah!”

This entire post was hilarious, but my favorite part is that you usually make your husband answer the door to handle the “human interactions”. It’s become a running joke at our house, and I feel better knowing that someone else does this.

Note to self – never read your posts while at work. I laugh so hard that people inevitably peek into my office to see if I have finally, truly lost it. I had tears in my eyes today. Your posts are always so spot on!!
My 4 year old has a penis song too and he shouts it!

Now I know how people feel when they hear our “Daddy has a uterus!” story. We’re still a touch mortified by it and think it’s a little bit funny but wow, other people laugh until they cry when they hear it.
Thank you for making my day.

I am doing a weird maneuver to be able to roll around on the floor laughing and not wake up the sleeping toddler… THIS is why I love your blog so much and why I look forward to new posts from it more than any other that I follow. Will you ever order penis, I mean pizza, again?

The best parts are (a) the blushing pink on your face, and (b) the particular quality of the cat’s eyes, which were drawn to show that the cat wasn’t alarmed by the foot on its back, simply resigned to its presence.

At least your kids were in the tub and only yelling penis. My kid answers the door stark naked when the pizza man delivers. My husband will try and get our son to go into the other room, but that doesn’t work and he just starts freking out about the pizza while practically standing on the porch.

I got a new little brother when I was 2 and a half, and had a really hard time learning to properly pronounce that unique anatomy, his “peanut.” Until one day at the grocery store, when I carefully broadcast the request, “Can we get some PENIS butter, Mommy?”

I’m crying so hard I can’t stop! I had to get through that whole thing without laughing out loud, because toddler is sleeping, and it’s led to an unreasonable level of tears and snarling silently. That made my day!

My almost 3 yr old girl learned about “penises” at daycare. The other day, while on the potty, she matter-of-factly informed me that “boys have a penis…*I don’t have a penis (pause)…I HAVE CARROTS!” I think she thinks penis = peanuts. 🙂

I don’t usually laugh out loud…even when things are really funny but for some reason that caught me off guard. I laughed so hard my son (11 months) started laughing cause anything we think is funny is hilarious to him for no reason. And my husband is a little squeamish when it comes to body parts…so, I think I’m just going to have to read this one to him. He needs to know what the future might hold. 🙂

Don’t worry – my four year old son had a shower with me this morning and he was trying to catch water as it ran off my body. Then he said – look mummy – I am milking your willy! (I think penis would have made him sound more mature).

I am dying over here, my stomach is hurting (and I am all red). You have to put a warning on these things, I could burst my gut sitting here in my office. Not to mention what people say when they walk by “hey I noticed Ben laughing histerically by himself in his office today, the guy is totally losing it”. And the more people stare the worse it gets… Another time I lost my coffee through the nose.

FUNNIEST POST EVER! I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants. My 4 year old daughter kept asking me “what’s so funny Mama??” I said “I’m just reading a funny story that somebody wrote. Hey, you want some ice cream???!”

I laughed so hard at your Penis Pizza and was reminded of our own “incidents”. My hubby and both work in healthcare fields so have always used correct body terminology with our 3 kids. We even had a children’s anatomy book for them. Two classics came from these circumstances…
1. We had invited 2 other couples for dinner along with their kids all age 5 and under. My two oldest started with the sibling squabbles and as they raced each other down the stairs to tattle my 5 yo son screamed at his 3 yo sister, “If you don’t stop I’m gonna kick you in the VULVA!” Pink cheeked (but laughing to myself) I quickly scrambled to find the anatomy book and offer a hasty explanation to our mortified guests. Thankfully it worked… they’re still our friends.
2. At age 3 our youngest had been playing at the park with Daddy. Walking home up the hill he dropped to the sidewalk flat on his back and didn’t move. When my husband asked what was wrong he whined, “I can’t go any farther, my scrotum is too tired!”

tears… tears and laughter!!!!!!!!!! Best.CP.EVER…. epic. At my house, we call these times when my brain and mouth do not connect “mommy-isms”. I tend to swap words from different parts of the sentence, but it gets worse sometimes. Like yesterday, the word I was reading said ‘fluttering’, I was thinking “flickering” and I said “fluckering”. That was almost really bad.

HAHAHAHA! OMG I laughed so hard it hurt, hahaha! On a penis related note; my 3 sons are the only boys in our whole family. Family gatherings are a frenzy of little girls and our 3 boys…anyways, as my 4 year old is sitting on the toilet not too long ago he says, very wisely, “mom, girls can’t pee” “oh really, why’s that?” I asked “yeah, they can’t pee, they don’t have a penis!” …took quite an effort not to laugh at that one. lol

Holy smokes, I’m crying, that’s so funny! OK- quick story- My friends son was singing a song to annoy his sister about being able to see her “penis”. She fired back “I don’t have a penis!” Cameron responded, “OK, your “china” whatever!” We almost fell over.

I used to nanny these two little boys who were 3 and 6. Their favorite thing was to chase me around their house yelling “penis enis!” Because it rhymes and all. Their mom actually told them not to sing the “penis enis” song when the nanny (me) was there, but to save it for her. lol Too funny. I loved this one. You made me laugh so hard I choked on my chip!

I just laughed so hard that I cried and ruined my eye makeup and I am on my way to a Home ans School Club meeting. I don’t know if I’ll be able to explain why I look like a raccoon!
At the park, when my 4yo girl goes up on the bars, she yells, “It’s okay if my dress comes up! I have on SHORTS, so my VULVA’s not showing!!”

BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I think I start all my comments that way…but you’re just so funny and the craziest things happen to you, I love it! I try to step on my basset hound when the pizza arrives, doesn’t work so well…

This is so stinkin hillarious! And now my boys just now asked me what I was laughing at and I dared not tell them. This reminds me too much of something that would happen over here, especially if they had the idea. lol Thanks for the good laughs!

Thankyou! I so needed this today! We’ve had an ultra crappy morning and I needed to laugh until I couldn’t breathe and was crying so much 🙂 My crappy toddler is obsessed with penises, vagina’s & boobies. And it was totally not at all embarrassing when he tells his great grandmother she has a vagina when we visited recently… she had crappy flushed cheeks also 🙂

I am still laughing over this cartoon. Reminds me of the time my then 3 year old daughter, who had just discovered that boys and girls are “different”, ask an older gentleman in the grocery store if he had a penis. I almost choked! Luckily he was “much older” and didn’t hear her correctly!!!

I have a somewhat similar story of when I was little. I happen to walk in the bathroom as my dad was getting out of the tub after taking a shower. The timing couldn’t have been timed any better. Being the curious child I was, I immediately pointed and asked, “What’s that?” My parents always explained things to me by using proper names for things. This was no exception. My dad said that it was a penis. He then went on to explain that he used it to go to the bathroom. I was still concentrating on the word he used to call the part of the anatomy that I did not have. What he said didn’t make sense, to me at that moment. So, as soon as he was finished explaining what a penis was I put my hands on my hips and looked right at him and said, “Daddy, that’s not a pizza.” My father smiled, and tried not to laugh, as he told me to leave the bathroom and closed the door behind me.

Wow, this is way worse than the time we were in Best Buy, surrounded by people, and my son loudly proclaimed, “Mommy, you farted!” (ok, so I did, just a little, but gosh boy, I was trying to keep it on the DL)

I bet you will be ordering chinese from now on!!! Thats hilarious!!!
I was a nanny to a 1 yo in London and as we were on the train going past Big Ben he yelled out “Look – Big COCK” – So he couldn’t quite pronounce his ‘L’s yet, but made everyone on the train look at something they probably just see as part of the scenery!!! 🙂

Lol my 4 year old daughter felt the need to educate my 2yr old niece on how girls have vagina’s and boys have penises in the check out line at the store. She was not quiet about it and my niece had to repeat everything just as loudly lol

Awesome! My now 2 1/2 year old has been talking for-ever…..we love pizza in our house, and go to the local pizza buffet at least 1-2 times a month. For MANY months our son pronounced pizza by saying “pussy”. So, we’d be on our way in the door of the pizza place & he’d be yelling, “I LOVE PUSSY!!” over and over and over again. Yep. My husband banned pizza outings for a while. :/ Now he pronounces it “pizz-ia” which is just stinking adorable. I say, they’re only little once & its these memories that we’ll hold on to when they are away at college, getting married, and having families of their own and no time to come home and be your baby anymore.

When my youngest was around 2, she was exploring gender, and asked everyone that came to our house, male and female, “Do you have a penis?” Most embarrassing was when she asked my uncle during a family dinner!

During this same time period, we were sitting in shul, in the first row, spitting distance from the Rabbi, during Rosh Hashannah, one of the holiest days of the year, she was on my mother’s lap, facing my mom and says and in a not too quiet voice “I see Grandma’s boobies!” To which my father laughed so hard, he snorted in the middle of the service. My mother was mortified and yelled at me “Get her out of here!” I still crack up about this!

oh MY G!!! Hysterical … and that this happened?!? Now, that takes the cake — er, I mean, PENIS!! 😀 I really, really needed to laugh this morning, so thank you! I will share on my fan page, so the joy of embarrassment will be spread!

LMBO! One of my favorites ever. I have nephews who are 4 and 6 and just finished (I hope) having a massive nudist streak. My 6 year old daughter now, thinks penis is the funniest word in the world and tries to use it at every opportunity. “Allie! Come here!” “Did you say ‘penis’?” “What did I even say that SOUNDS like ‘penis’?” “Nothing… PENIS!! Hahahahaha!!” Oh kids.

You know what? I read all your posts and I laugh my ass off every time (I wish that were literal), but then you get so many awesome, funny comments by the time I get here that I think, “Oh well, she doesn’t need one more person telling her they LedOL.” But today I thought, that’s a sucky thing to think. If I ever got 288 comments, I think I’d still be okay with #289 saying I was piss-your-pants funny, too. So there you go – you make me pee. Aren’t you sorry I don’t comment more often?

Laughed out loud for reals. I would totally do something like that, and so would my children have done when they were littler. Good news: eventually they outgrow it and are themselves embarrassed by “bathroom words” and you can get revenge by saying such words (quietly) in public places.

I once was trying to explain to a table full of dignified women how wonderful Friendly’s restaurant’s Reeses Pieces sundae was. And I blurted out they have the best “Reeses Penis Sundae you ever tasted.” They looked at me in disbelief for a moment and then the Pastor’s wife came to my rescue, by stating she one told a table full of parishioners how she wanted to play with an octopus’s tentacles, but It came out “testicles.” Needless to say everyone laughed
& I was redeemed.

Ha, I snorted all over the screen! That is so hilarious 🙂
My dd is now 25, but when she was little, and the pizza guy came she’d yell ” Pener Piper Pizza is here”. Her oldest brother encouraged her. Btw, it was always Domino’s.
I just love kids.

Reading this this morning emboldened me to post about a similar, possibly even more horrifying experience. Here the word in question was VAGINA, and the location was out in public, and there was an implication that oral sex is an everyday event at our home. Seriously. It MAY just top the pizza-penis situation. But I’ll let you be the judge. THanks for posting. Made my morning. Don’t you love boys??http://www.fineyoungfauves.com/?p=441

I thought you were going to say you accidentally tipped him $50 or something. Or by the title, I thought it would be about an opportunity you found to educate the pizza guy about keeping babies intact.

ROFL. Hysterical. 20 years from now your family will embarass you at some event by recalling the penis pizza story.
So freaking funny I might even make my husband, who I’m barely speaking to, read this.

Love it! LMAO! I think there is little to be done in situations like that where it is probably a pizza delivery kid who has no understanding of what it’s like to be a parent. For older people who are listening/watching my kids do embarrassing things, I say such things as, “I have kids,” very matter-of-factly, wrinkling my brow. Stating the obvious, I know. But I think that’s the point. Only other people who’ve had kids Get it.

My wife woke my up this morning with all her laughing (she was reading in bed on the ipad at 7am). I groggily asked what she was laughing at and she said “hehe, PENIS, hehehe”. I was offended for a second, (its not nice to wake a man up by laughing at his penis) but then I remembered your latest post and had to laugh too. Keep up the good work.

When my oldest was 2, he started calling the UPS truck the “U-penis” truck. The first time he did it I laughed so hard I snorted…so he made sure to say it like that EVERY time for more than a year. Gotta learn to hide the laughter early.

I know I’m a bit late to the party, but I totally sent this to my husband and we’ve been singing the penis song at each other since the day it was posted! Just goes to show ya, folks… it never stops being funny. 😉 Also, I just had to share this similarly hysterical King of the Hill moment.

My sister and I apparently used to sing a penis-themed song in public, I have no recollection of this but can imagine my parents’ delight.
I don’t have kids but spend a lot of time with relatives who are around the same age as your boys and can definitely relate to your posts, I love this blog, keep up the good work! A book of Crappy Pictures would be brilliant.

OH. MY. GOD!!!!!! I literally cracked up, lmfao from beginning to end. This is absolutely hilarious! My sons (4.5yo and 22mo) love their penises, too, and have been known to sing (or maybe rap) about them, as well. This post has given me my ab workout for the day. Thank you very much 🙂

As I was reading this my daughter was repeatedly asking me, which shortly turned into reminding me, to get her a hot dog. When I finished I caught myself almost say out loud, “OK, I’ll get your penis.” yikes!

I’m repeating everything that people have said..but this is fantastic. I’m so sorry for you embarrassment, but those of us with children have all been there. Thank you for your honesty and it was good to laugh today, I needed more than anything in the world currently.

I’m 39 weeks pregnant with my 2nd one (a boy this time) and this post made me cry I was laughing so hard. I needed that, at this point nothing makes me laugh! God I can’t wait for this boy to come out and start making life “interesting” that way. Penis pizza for everyone!

I would utterly thrash my kids if they did this. I would mutilate their stupid little faces and rip open their throat and pull out their tongue so they can never say penis again. Then I would cut off their penises and shove them down their throats just for my own amusement.

I literally laughed until I cried. You had me at “I toss it down onto the floor. Uh oh, that probably looked weird.” That is totally, 100% something I would do, make things even more awkward by trying to get out of the situation quicker. Bookmarking your blog after reading this one.

Oh gosh,
I laughed so hard reading your stories. I was directed through Worlds best father’s facebook post today. I dont have kids of my own but I waiver between having them (the miracle of childbirth), and not having any (it seems like I have to be the one doing most of the work with the kids, and I hate public toilets, avoid them by drinking less water cant do that to the kids!), not I have decidedly put off kids for a little while longer. Maybe as long as I can, till I cant anymore!
Thanks for the funny insights on what to expect. if my baby gives me a ‘gift’ I am going to ask him/her what it is before putting my hand out. LOL

A couple of months ago my son (2 and a half at the time) and I were having supper and I mentioned to him that I bought some new bubble bath. Well he was ecstatic with this news and proceeded to undress himself. I told him he had to finish eating his supper before having a bath so he jumped up on my knee (now naked) and asked me to feed him. Okay, fine. But he kept YANKING on his penis. As he was doing this I was trying to get him to eat his tofu. I said to him, “Come on, Bubby. Hurry up and eat your penis”. Woopsies…I swear I had tears streaming down my face for minutes I was laughing at myself so hard! Of course, he said, “No! Mummy, not my penis”. 😉

This reminded me of a time . . . when my daughter and I were waiting in line at the drive-through window at Jack in the Box, and I wanted the drink that goes by various names: Dr. Pepper (Pepsi/7-Up company), Dr. Becker (Blue Sky), Dr. Skipper (Safeway), etc., and as I drove up to the speaker, I ordered a “Large Dr. Pecker!” Worst part was I was stuck in line and had to move forward where I was greeted by a couple of snickering teenaged workers!

Wishing I could laugh harder but I have a toddler napping in my arms. You always make me smile, and your book is being released ON my birthday – thanks so much for the brief laughter to get me through each day 🙂

After having 2 children, I am not certain I should read this blog anymore. My 2 yr old is laying on my lap and I fear I nearly wet myself from laughing so hard. The 5 yr old on the couch w/ the stomach flu, that hasn’t moved all day? Yeah, she sat up for the first time in ~8 hrs to ask why I was laughing. Must. run. to. restroom.

For some reason this story reminded me of a penis story I have if you want to call it that. My children are grown…22 & 23 (eight months apart) Anyway when they were little kids (around 4) we had moved into a new house and in moving had decided to give the kids our bedroom dresser and night stands. Their father and I were young and had a “treasure chest” if you know what I mean. Anyway, we had also decided to sell some furniture and there was an older couple at our home picking up a piece they bought. I shooed my kids in their room to play and get out of our hair for a little while. Well any adults that have their own “treasure chest” realize that sometimes things don’t get put back where they belong sometimes…sometimes they get put in drawers…in night stand drawers…in night stand drawers that you have passed on to your little kids cause you want new ones. Long story short…our visitors were AT the door almost out the door even. The kids were just wooping and hollering and having the most fun I had heard them have in days…since we moved. I was thinking…Oh I’m so glad they love their new home and are settling in good…and about that time my daughter comes running down the hall and is LHBO and my son is chasing her. I look up and they are sword fighting! With what??? YOU CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT! A pink one and a purple one no less. I WAS MORTIFIED…couldn’t move at first I literally felt like paralyzed pond scum. Then quick as a flash I jump up run to the kids swipe their “swords” away from them and of all things I go sit down on them…just to hide them, get them out of sight. Out of sight out of mind…right? I’m praying this sweet older couples eyes have not been seered by what they saw. I’m sitting there smiling just begging my husband to shut-up in my mind and let these poor people GO already. Finally they leave and I get up with the “penises” one in each hand and walk straight to the trash and throw them both away. He’s like wth and so then I get to tell him my story after “HIS” new friends leave. He had no words when I finished but he didn’t go fish those things out of the trash either. It is funny now but almost 20 years ago…it was a tragedy lol

I almost spit my coffee out on this one! Hilarious! I love it! I remember the time my young son kept yelling “my weenie is hanging, my weenie is hanging” at the grocery store. I am not quite sure exactly what he meant, but I couldn’t get out of the store fast enough. No matter how hard I tried to shush him, he kept yelling at full volume. I think it was years before I had courage to go back to that particular store. Great post!

I laughed so hard I peed a little AND had a mild asthma attack (no inhaler needed, just a little wheezy). Both my 4.5 year old ans 2 year old are sound asleep next to me on the sofa, so I was doing the silent, wheezy laugh, praying they don’t wake up….thank you for your comedic brilliance, Amber. You are a true arteest.

The comments had me laughing as hard as the story! My hubby is giving me the weird look. Tears, oh my, too funny. My girls never did this, bit the one did flatten herself against the far end of the shower once when I bent over to adjust the water temperature. She said she was afraid my butt would eat her! I embarrass them now (ages 14 and 11) by singing Monkeys in my Underwear to the tune of Camptown Races, loudly in Wal-Mart. They are less embarrassed by me now and will join in. We can clear an aisle in less than a minute!

Its like you read my mind! You seem to know so much about this,
like you wrote the book in it or something. I
think that you could do with some pics to drive the message
home a bit, but other than that, this is fantastic blog.
An excellent read. I’ll certainly be back.

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