Luggage Pr0n: Five Head-Turning Bags for Your Notebook

Transitions can be a bitch. I’ve just traded in my big black Sony Vaio tower
for a slim silver MacBook Pro not-laptop (because it runs so hot). On the one
hand, I’ve said good-bye to a 750Gb RAID drive and a dual-monitor video card
capable of running two 30-inch Cinema Displays. On the other hand, I’ve also
said good-bye to daily virus updates and the constant fear that my entire
system is going to become unstable and turn into a Russian Zombieputer
overnight and start to spam myself about how small my penis is.

Now, I can carry my digital world around with me. Convenient, sure, but also
it presents a quandary to a homosexualist like myself. Pardon me if I seem
cliched and stereotypical, but it’s important for me to try to look good no
matter what I’m doing, and that goes for my computer, too. If I’m going to be
hauling my notebook into the latest trendy coffee shop and stare at my 15”
glossy LED-lit screen as I sip a latte and nosh a bagel, I need it to look
good not just sitting there glowing softly, but also look great coming and
going.

If you’ve just dropped two-and-a-half large on a little folding computing
wonder, doesn’t it make sense to spend a goodly amount on a bag that can
contain that investment in style, and allow you to cram your other digital
toys in as well? And how do you balance style and practicality? Sure, a fat
backpack with a cable-out for your earpods is serviceable, but what does it
say about you? Do you want to look like you’re off to day camp, or do you want
your bag to say “look at me! I’m sexxay! I’m stylish! I’m capable of dressing
myself without looking like a pile of rags in the corner!”

If you don’t want to look like everyone else in the coffee boutique, here’s my
short list of laptop bags that will cost you plenty of hard-earned disposable
income, and make you look good doing it.

Let’s start at the top, shall we? Let’s shall! Pretend you’re a globe-hopper
and fashion victim. (I said “pretend.”) and you regularly visit Herzog &
de Meuron’s Prada store in Tokyo. You’re not entirely satisfied with this
season’s shoe choices and now you have $700 burning a hole in your pocket.
Poor you, what are you going to do?

Well if you’re me, you take a short walk around the corner to Isaburo, the
120-year-old leather goods manufacturer that insists on using only the best
materials and workmanship and you plunk down your AmEx black card and ask for
a one-of-a-kind, made-to-order City123 Rucksack. The shape is the same for
everyone, a kind of smooth turtle built from a hard PVC shell, then coated in
luxurious buttery leather in your choice of color and texture. Every City123
is made to order for you and takes a month to manufacture.

Now let’s say you don’t think you’ll be ending up in Tokyo any time soon, but
you’re already salivating about getting your mitts on one of these gorgeous
and slightly weird-looking oddities. Now you can! What you can’t get is any
color you want — the online version only comes in "signature" dark red. For $100 more, you can get a premium skin like "silver snake" or "black crocodile." But dollars to donuts, you’ll be the only one in your coffee klatch with one.

When you want to talk drool-worthy, you’re talking this green-friendly wooden
briefcase, available in the U.S. at the Museum of Modern Art store. I must
confess that I personally own
the
original version of this bag, made of Japanese cedar that’s hand-molded
into its soft-corner shape, then lined with canvas. Its leather handles are
smooth and creamy and the new version has been improved with a shoulder strap.

It’s sized to fit laptops up to 17”, so even those of you who think size
matters can fit your big-ass notebooks inside. What it doesn’t have is a
secure way of making sure your laptop doesn’t bang around inside it — not that
you’re apt to be throwing this in the overhead, anyway, perchance to mar its
beautiful surface. Still, I suggest accompanying your purchase with a
Foofbag from our Australian friends at Foof.
In keeping with the Japanese flavor of the Monacca, order the Origami Kuro
model, made with Japanese cotton and resembling a kimono. Take it from me, you
don’t want to pull a fluffy pink computer out of this sleek case.

Let’s take a trip away from Japan and see what’s available on our own shores.
Jack Spade doesn’t really exist, did you know that? Kate totally made him up.
I used to think it was her husband or something, but no — just another
marketing figment. But so what? Does the fact that Tony the Tiger is a faux
kitty make Frosted Flakes any less awesome?

The Nylon Canvas Tech Field Bag has a name that’s far too long. Basically,
it’s a messenger bag, but it’s built for “today’s modern man,” and that’s you,
believe it or not! Our first two candidates may scream style, but this bag
screams “Substance!” It’s a basic messenger bag, to be sure, but it adds a few
nice perks to the mix, namely an exterior zippered pocket for your cell- or
iPhone, ample interior pockets for books, magazines, hair extensions and the
like, plus a removable padded laptop sleeve with its own Velcro fastener, so
if you need to travel light but protect your data, just take the sleeve and
leave the bag! I promise, no one will laugh at you.

If you're a label whore, as well as a bag slut, it's hard to better impress
your fellow label-bag whore-sluts than to whip out a piece of lux Mandarina
Duck. Basically, if you want those who pay attention to such things to be
salivating over your shoulder holder, buy some Duck. A Mandarina Duck bag of
any sort is 100% guaranteed, so if anything ever happens to your beauty just
bring it back and they'll get it fixed, repairing zippers and reattaching
handles at no cost. Sure, they may have to send it back to Italy, where the
Duck makes its home, but aren't you worth the extra effort?

The File series is new to MD, and as usual you can kit yourself out completely
in an entire line of matching File gear, from carry-ons to trolleys to wallets
and dopp bags. One thing that this bag has over almost every other bag here is
that you can get a 17" bag to fit those extra-large, extra-heavy,
extra-impressive ginormous notebooks that some of you think you need, even
though you only discover you don't when you plug an external monitor into it
and make that extra-big screen kind of superfluous.

Lest you think this is a bag about beauty over brawn, let it be known that
practicality has not been cast aside. File briefcases come with removable
cable pockets and separate document compartments in addition to the necessary
padded laptop area. And you can pick from black or brown — or, in a select few
cases, a high-tech orange (a hue which they call "Brandy") that'll make you
really stand out in a crowd.

“But what about me?” I hear you saying. “I’m not some mamby-pamby girly-man
looking for fashion. I need to look tough! I need to look rugged! And, dammit,
I need pockets!” Oakley hears you, even if I scoff and roll me eyes. This
Oakley bag defines “overcompensate” by attaching three little “removable pouch
pockets” to its exterior, in addition to myriad internal storage pockets, a
padded computer pouch, daisy chain webbing (yeah, me neither), side
compression straps and a custom D-ring from which, one assumes, one may hang a
length of chain attached to one’s wallet.

As if all that ain’t macho enough for you, listen to the name of its color:
New Kalki! Why settle for old kalki when New Kalki awaits, all soldierrific? I know I’m erect.

Oh, I kid because I love. Having seen one of these in person in my trendy
fashion-conscious ‘hood, I can attest that it is something to behold. Nobody
but nobody will be accusing you of being unprepared if you’re bearing one of
these babies around, and think of the fun toys you can stash in those side
pockets! It’s a party on your shoulder!

And there you have it! Five guaranteed stylish, selective and unique solutions
to your… er… my laptop dilemma. Look for me in your corner coffee shop. I’ll
be the guy getting my case luggage felt up.

The Question to You

Have you a favorite, stylish laptop bag that you think might pass muster with Mr. Lance? Share it with us in comments.

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