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On not feeling the love…

One of the most frustrating feelings for a writer is wanting to write, but not knowing what to write about. Even more frustrating is what I’ve been experiencing lately: not caring about what I write about.

All the things on which I’d normally have plenty to say – motherhood, politics, religion – it’s all just gotten too…much for me recently. There are too many opinions and FAR too much judgment. Maybe I’m hyper-sensitive to it these days. I’m just exhausted. I try to invest myself in the things I enjoy or the things I tend to be well-versed in, but I keep finding myself annoyed or iritated every time I do.

I want to engage. I really do. When I see things that are interesting or thought-provoking, I want to share the information. When I see things that are odd or ill-informed, I want to add my two cents. When I see things that are rage-inducing or just plain stupid, I want to call it out.

But I’m tired.

I’m tired of being shamed for the things I do, say, think, enjoy, or believe. I’m tired of the sideways glances when I’m asked my opinion or position. I’m tired of everyone finding something to be pissed off at or offended by.

Sometimes I want to be the person that just says whatever the hell she’s thinking with no regard for anyone else’s feelings. But when it comes to certain topics, that’s just not useful and only leads to more contention and people believing certain stereotypes about “people like me.” I get angry enough that I have to walk away from conversations because I know it’s the most healthy thing to do…for all parties involved.

I’m ready to all but call in quits on the social media front. I get too upset and annoyed far too often. I want to write a huge blog, laying out where I stand on this topic or that and just be done with it.

But, of course, that’s not realistic. Not for me. I could walk away for a while (I do it a couple times a year), but I always come back. It’s where I find new topics or interesting perspectives.

So here’s what I do know: I’m tired of being mom-shamed, politi-shamed, religi-shamed, whatever-shamed. I’m sick to death of having my thunder stolen or having my thoughts and talents ripped out from under me, only to be either lambasted or paraded around like their someone else’s. I’m really tired of feeling like I’m not allowed to be angry about any of that.

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3 thoughts on “On not feeling the love…”

Oh my gosh, Micah, I have been grappling with this for a couple weeks now. I feel the exact same way and I am so frustrated and saddened by it. I normally have zero hesitation to engage in the things that interest me or that I have firm beliefs about, and I have never been the type of person to shy away from a respectful debate. I try so hard to be tolerant and patient when discussing politics or other sensitive topics ranging from motherhood to gun rights, and I expect the same in return. But when we seem to live in a time where tolerance is a rarity and patience is out the window, it’s hard to feel like my voice counts or that I’m being heard. It has this minimizing and silencing effect in which I have to decide that engaging is no longer worth the stress of being shut down and disrespected. I have noticed a sickening hypocrisy: the people who I can have perfectly fine, grown ass conversations with in person turn into intolerant, hate-filled commenters as soon as they get behind a computer. The question I have been struggling with, is why is it so damn hard for people to remain PEOPLE online? Why is it so easy for compassion, empathy and understanding to disappear behind a screen? I am the same person online and offline, and for me, it’s easy, because I just stay true to myself! Yet this seems like such a foreign concept to so many people who separate their hearts from their words as soon as they get online. Every week I have friends joking “I have never blocked so many friends online as I have recently,” and it makes me sad for two reasons: 1) That people are finding themselves inundated with so much hatred and noise that they have to make time to intentionally rid of it so that positivity can come back to their feeds. 2) That we live in a time where people can’t tolerate differences of opinions anymore that they are intentionally customizing their newsfeeds to only reveal the things that reinforce their beliefs and passions. Then I wonder, are we really less tolerant? Is social media giving us too much of our own microphones that we’ve grown too pride-filled at blasting our own thoughts? Or maybe we’ve always been this way as a society, but it feels like it has gotten worse simply because we have never had to see or read nearly as much controversy as we get shoved in faces now. Or maybe it’s a combination of both. So then I wonder, how the fuck can we get away from this? What’s the solution? I don’t know if there is one, and it’s a big fear of mine that the next generation will grow up accustomed to this as the new norm – the ridicule, intolerance, fear, and hate.

Everything you’ve said is what I’m feeling. But I think the only way we can keep our children from becoming cynical or hard is to teach them love and tolerance. Maybe that’s the silver lining of being a grown up these days. We’re seeing the worst, but also some of the very best, in people. I can’t shelter my children from the worst, but I will do everything I can to show them the best.