Outlandish American Horror Story Theories So Crazy, They Just Might Work

No one knows what the hell is actually going on with American Horror Story, its Easter eggs, or season connections. I don’t even know if the man upstairs, Ryan Murphy, knows. Are the stories just one, random, twisty outcome of some seriously dark, brilliant minds joining forces? Or are Murder House, Asylum, Coven, Freak Show, Hotel, and its characters components of a single, deliberate story?

I’m not sure we’ll ever know (damn you, RM), but coming up with theories makes us feel better for the time being because we can only lose so much sleep over this every night. After taking a look at some of the AHS theories the Internet has to offer, I found myself shaking my head at how ridiculous some were, wanting to dismiss them immediately. But then I thought: these ideas are so far out there, they actually might make perfect freaking sense. Read some below, and tell us if you agree.

Theory 1: Vivien Harmon from Murder House is the granddaughter of Freak Show’s suicidal doctor.

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At first, this connection seems so loosely tied and random as hell. A main character connected to who, now? And three seasons apart? But hear it out. Vivien talked about her family from Boston and sister in Florida. In season 4, set in Jupiter, Florida, Dr. Bonham killed himself, and his daughter came from Boston following the incident. The theory says: “there are two very specific and deliberate shots of Dr. Bonham with his grandkids: two boys and a girl. My bet is that the girl is Vivien’s mother. This would’ve made her about five or six in 1952, putting her in her mid-60s in 2013 (when Murder House is set). A plausible age for Vivien’s mother, as Connie Britton (who plays Vivien) is 48.” I’m no mathematician, but damn.

Here’s the long skinny with details you need to know: “1929: Oliver is born; his mother Gloria Mott, (Frances Conroy) is 33, the age he claims she was when she abandoned him. 1932-1934: Dandy is born to the same mother (maybe enough time has passed for her to feel secure in having a child); Gloria is 36-38; this puts Dandy and Oliver at approximately a 3-5 year age gap. 1952: The current setting of Freak Show; Gloria is 56, and Dandy is 18-20 (which, given that he still lives at home makes sense, and Gloria looks relatively old for having an only son as young as Dandy). 1964: The setting of Asylum; Oliver is 35. Maybe the reason [Gloria] spoils Dandy so much is because she feels guilty about the poor son she gave away, forced to grow up in an orphanage. After growing up without a family, Oliver probably didn’t even know his biological last name, so Thredson could have been given to him by the orphanage or something he came up with on his own. Oliver and Dandy look similar enough, and of course they both have their psychopathic behavior. Plus, we have no idea about either of their fathers, so maybe he was a crazy serial killer too.” They’re psychotic and sexy enough to be very much related and you know it.

LOL, right? Nah, LOL because this could actually be legit. Here are the arguments: 1. Aliens do strange experiments on humans just like the psychotic Dr. Arden does. 2. When he visits Kit Walker in his cell, “Kit first believes he is being approached by an alien.” 3. Shelley claimed something was weird with his man parts, which obviously means alien. Just saying.

Theory 4: Evan Peter’s Freak Show character was foreshadowed in the opening credits of Coven.

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Precise as hell, but enticing, nonetheless. One fan pointed out that when Evan’s name came up in the credits, the goblin character (far left) in the background had lobster hands, which would eventually be part of his season 4 character.

Theory 5: Detective Jack Colquitt in season 1 and season 4 are related.

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So, there’s a Jack Colquitt in Murder House and Freak Show, and they’re both detectives. In season 1, Jack is the cop who “investigates Ben Harmon’s missing patient after he took a little nap during her session.” In season 4, Jack is “the cop who investigates the Freak Show and ends up arresting Meep.” The actors are different, the characters are separated by 60 years and 2,600 miles, but they must be related because this is more than coincidence, OK?

Here’s the convoluted yet somewhat promising theory you would have never come up with yourself: “Billie Dean is actually Timothy’s daughter from a fling he had with a very young Constance (who he got together with because she looked like a younger Jude and he felt guilty over what happened between them). Billie was then raised by family of Timothy’s in California, hence why she retained the name Howard. [It] would explain Billie Dean’s southern-sounding first name (while she didn’t raise her, Constance may still have named her). [And] explains Constance’s attachment to Billie and also give more meaning to her dislike of Tate. She is repelled by him in the same way Addie fears him. Furthermore, as Constance’s fourth child, she is a missing piece and the illegitimate voice of reason in the Langdon family.” Is your mind exploding, or what?

So much crazy bitchiness, it only makes perfect sense. Here’s what the theorist has put together: “Madison is around high-school age in Coven (which takes place in 2013), so let’s say she was born in 1995. Madison happens to have the same last name as Murder House O.G. couple Charles and Nora Montgomery, who built and then lived in the murder house in the 1920s — keeping their mutilated child Thaddeus (or “Infantata”) in the basement. Could the two Montgomerys be related? Descendants? Consider this: Emma Roberts [played] a fortune-teller on Freak Show. Could this be related to Madison Montgomery’s telekinesis? Telekinesis could be genetic.” And did we mention the irrational, sick, twisted, fabulous bitchiness?

Theory 8: The show is just a bunch of stories told by people over a campfire.

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My favorite theory, I saved the best for last. Would be so beyond irritating if this was the truth after all of these theories have been conceptualized, but its simplicity slays me.