Sunday, December 16, 2012

Just Blah

You may remember This post from last year about the anxiety attack I had before Toby's dental work.

Following that I've had chest pains off and on throughout the year, ranging anywhere from dull discomfort to, again, feeling like a heart attack.

Recently I've been having a series of tests done to figure out what's wrong. So far all the tests are 'normal', but I have a much higher than normal heart rate and possible 'pericarditis', which is an inflammation in the lining of the heart. Nothing is 100% and I still have to go back for follow ups, but that's where it's at right now. I'm on medication to thin my blood and slow my heart down, which is just making me feel more lazy and sluggish and not really taking the pain away.

And being in pain and being anxious and being unsure and being tired has just made me grumpy. And I"m starting to notice it come out in Toby, and I just feel even worse about it.
We go through phases where everything is fine and then there's a few weeks where I just feel like everything I say is criticism.
He gets out of bed in the morning and tells me to get up, and I say yep just a minute, and he yells 'no now!' and I say that he doesn't need to shout, and he says yes he does, and I say that he is welcome to get up and I will when my eyes wake up, and he pulls my blankets off, and i pull them back on and ask him to leave and then he throws a fit and I can feel my heart rate skyrocket.
I feel like I'm always asking him to play quietly or leave me alone for just 'one more minute' or not go bug grampa or not throw toys in the house...and then I think he's probably acting up because I'm not really paying attention to him....and then I think maybe he's just being '4'.

Everything builds up and keeps feeding off each other... Toby's anxiety makes me unsettled, which makes him more upset, which makes me more upset, which makes everyone else in the house upset, which makes me feel guilty for not 'doing my job', which makes me more frantic, which makes Toby act out, and makes me just want time to myself.
I've caught myself saying things like "All the yelling is what's making mommy's chest hurt" or "Listening to the whining is making me sicker, not better", which is maybe part true, but it's also melodramatic. As soon as I say it I feel like it's a step away from "Go away I dont want you", and then the guilt cycle begins again.

I realize I'm babbling and complaining, but I guess that's why I have a blog, right? Who better to complain to than myself/the internet.

I'm still at this 'lost' point where I feel like I need to be moving forward but I'm just sitting still. I can't plan for the future because what I want to happen and what I know will probably happen are two different things. I"m trying to enjoy the 'now' but there's this frantic feeling in my chest that just won't go away. Trying to do things I want with a 4 year old holding me back is frustrating.... and most of the time I love doing stuff with him... he loves grocery shopping, we go to the mall and downtown and out for lunch and do crafts.... but it's the incessant whining at home that just wears away at me. I wish I could just sit and listen and play with him all day, but it seemed easier when he was younger and I didn't have a taste of 'freedom'.
And the easy, obvious answer is to just send him to day care, or start him in school, but I know what the fall-out would be at this point, and I'm not willing to deal with the tantrums and the moods and the hating school because he's not emotionally ready.

I just want to be able to relax with him. I just want food-making and dish-washing to be instantaneous so I dont have to try to ditch him for an hour to make food for him. He gets so happy and excited about games that he wants to play and I just have zero energy to give in. I hate struggling to breathe and be awake and play and be as joyful as he is. And I hate the anxiety and the screaming and tantrums that inevitably follow.
Just... blah...