Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Fighting Key to Marital Happiness?

It is widely taught that the most important quality
in a potential spouse is high moral character. Yet, many people still
choose their life partner based on superficial desires of the ego such
as beauty or wealth. Since both beauty and wealth are temporary, such
marriages often cannot withstand the test of time.

However, sometimes, in their quest to secure a
relationship with a person of high moral character, people are still
drawn towards superficialities. Often, even deeply religious people
dream of a spouse whose style of dress will match their outfit. They
want a spouse who will increase their status in the community. They
should belong to a certain family or a certain social class. Many single
people have a long checklist of things that they are looking for in a
person before they will even consider them in marriage.

Most people wish to find the perfect mate, with whom
they can agree on all things. However, no matter who you choose, all
married couples fight. Some will eventually learn to tolerate each
other. But that is not the same thing as being happy! They key to
marital bliss is in how you fight, say psychologists.

Therapist John Gottman says he can predict how long a
couple will last, not by studying how well a couple gets along, but by
studying how well a couple doesn’t get along. A relationship is only as
strong as its weakest link— how a couple handles their challenges.

Generally speaking, people from the same cultural or
religious background will experience less friction in marriage than
people from very different backgrounds. Yet, shared beliefs are also no
guarantee of happiness. Someone who is very dogmatic about religion
might adopt a judgmental and narrow-minded approach to disagreements,
even going so far as to imply that to disagree with him is to disobey
God. Even deeply pious people might be hyper-sensitive, whiny, passive
aggressive, or overly critical at times.

Therefore, it is not usually enough just to seek a
“suitable match.” What we should really seek is a partner who is
spiritually and emotionally capable of what Aristotle called a
“Relationship of Shared Virtue.”

The number one thing to look for in a potential
spouse is not perfection, but their sincere interest in engaging in
continued personal growth through relationship, suggests Karen
Salmansohn, author of “Prince Harming Syndrome.”

“After all, if your partner doesn’t value growth, he
won’t be ready to deal with non-fun, inevitable conflicts in a high
integrity way,” writes Salmansohn.

“Good character values not only come in handy on a
day-to-day basis, but during those eventual, inevitable times of
conflict. If you and your partner do not value putting in the effort of
acting with strong character values during times of disagreement,
disappointment, stress, crisis, temptation, sadness,
monetary-challenges, illness, vulnerability, misunderstandings—then your
relationship will always suffer…

“Take the time to find out if your (potential)
partner values embracing empathy, listening, direct communication,
honesty, loyalty and growth. After all, a guy’s character will always be
the determinant behind his choosing to be naughty or nice—thereby
making you feel sad or happy.”

You know you are in a healthy relationship when being
together makes you feel happier and improves your life. Unhealthy
relationships make you more unhappy, insecure, unsafe, or just plain
frazzled! But negative communication patterns can be overcome through
patience, wisdom and compassion.

Relationship therapist Arhata Osho advises: “It’s
good to acknowledge and remember that those who choose to not be
friendly… are likely dealing with their own issues while of course,
denying it. It’s rarely the person who is ignored’s fault… they may be
dealing with more than you or I can really help them with. Be open to
them coming around, or not… Be free to be your real self, and move
toward those few who cherish the same way! A loving person just accepts
everyone for what they choose to be.”

Neuropsychologist Rick Hanson, Ph.D, author of
“Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and
Wisdom,” writes that when you recognize the deeper wants of others, they
feel seen and are less likely to be reactive:

“Consider any significant relationship: How does it
feel when they misinterpret what you want? Or worse, when they could
care less about understanding what you want? Ouch.”

“During an interaction with someone who is difficult
for you – or while reflecting about the relationship as a whole – try to
see the deeper wants in the other person, behind the acts of thought,
word, or deed that have bothered or hurt you… and if you like, try to
figure out less harmful ways to fulfill (them),” continues Hanson.

We all have some bad communication habits that we
learned in childhood. While unhealthy communication styles often
stimulate the worst parts of ourselves to come out, healthy and positive
relationships support our spiritual growth so that we can gain the
strength to transcend bad habits and even addictions.

This is why Muslims say, “Marriage is half the
faith.” It is not enough to simply be married. The marriage relationship
helps a person develop themselves spiritually by providing causes for
conflict.

Each conflict provides a couple with the opportunity to learn
how to go beyond ego reactions such as fear of abandonment and learn to
see another person’s point of view. Disagreements which are handled in a
good way will lead to a deeper, more meaningful relationship.
Therefore, the secret to a happy relationship is in the way you fight.
Happy couples learn from their fights. Arguing in the best way means
seeking truth, wisdom and inner beauty together – not defeating the
other person.

“As you live deeper in the Heart, the mirror gets clearer and clearer,” wrote Rumi.

The less ego we project upon a conflict, the more
purely the Light of the spirit shines through us, and ultimately, the
closer we are to God.