Absurdity: Hosea - Micah

God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms and
children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great
whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer. 1:2-3

In that day will I make a covenant for them with the beasts of the
field and with the fowls of heaven, and with the creeping things of the ground."
Someday God will make a covenant with the beasts, fowls, and creeping things. 2:18

WooHoo! God's getting married. He's even going to get to know his wife. 2:18-19

On his wedding day, God (Ishi) will hear the heavens and the heavens will hear the earth. And the earth will
hear the corn, and the wine, and the oil. And Ishi will sow his wife on the earth.
(Or something like that.)2:21-23

"Fear the Lord and his goodness in the latter days."
Why would anyone fear goodness? 3:5

Because of the Israelites' disobedience, the land mourns, and all the animals are dying. 4:3

God afflicted the Israelites with "cleanness of teeth" (famine,) drought, blasting, and mildew. He killed them with pestilence,
slaughtered them with the sword, and "made the stink of their camps come up into their noses." Destroyed them like they were from Sodom
and Gomorrah. And yet they still didn't return to him. What is wrong with people? 4:6-11

Many Christians look forward to the "day of the Lord," but according to
these verses, they shouldn't. 5:18-20

"The Lord GOD hath sworn by himself ... I abhor the excellency of Jacob, and hate his palaces: therefore will I deliver up the city."
God swears to himself that he hates Jacob's palaces, so he will deliver up the city (and kill everyone in it). 6:8

"Hold thy tongue: for we may not make mention of the name of the LORD."
(If God hears you, he'll probably kill you, too.) 6:10

God will "cut them in the head" and "slay the last of them with the sword." Any that try to escape by diving to the bottom of the sea will be bitten,
at God's command, by a sea-serpent. God will set his "eyes upon them for evil, not for good." 9:1-4

"The LORD ... will come down, and tread upon the high places of the earth." 1:3

"The mountains shall be molten under him, and the valleys shall be cleft ... and I will pour down the stones thereof into the valley."
(Earthquakes and volcanic eruptions are caused by God's anger.) 1:4-6

"I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons."
1:8