An individual I had met online in Les Brown’s Facebook group sent me this book. I am now using the book as a resource and inspiration for writing my first book.

The book builds three central arguments:

Your life story, your knowledge, and your message – what you know from experienceand want to share with the world – have greater importance and market value than you probably ever dreamed.My message: To help others succeed by becoming their best selvesWhat I know from experience: Techniques and methods to uncover, or for some, resurrect, your true self

You are here to make a difference in this world, and the best way to do that is to use your knowledge and experience (on any topic, in any industry) to help others succeed. My knowledge and experience: I want to help others succeed by becoming their best selves because I discovered my best self. Note: I will be using the words “best,” “true,” and “authentic” self interchangeably throughout my book.What is your theory? My theory is… that once an individual loses touch with his/her true self, the individual can, through a series of steps, reclaim their true selves and be on a greater path of self-understanding and awareness, a path I call wholeness. My strongly-held belief: That we all deserve to live fulfilled livesI want to share with the world (ie, Brendon calls this one’s”message”) my own self-discovery process of discovering my true self and how others can benefit.My narrative will encompass:

This is where I came from

This is what I went through

What I learned

Where I am now
I rediscovered my true self. My story will both move you. I am a Survivor and blessed with enormous gifts and talents.My message is that we can all discover who we truly are if we open our hearts and minds to the gift of receiving spiritual insight.My book explores the question we all, at some point or another, ask ourselves, “Who am I?” It digs deep and calls upon the reader to look at his/her life and the experiences he/she has had that make him who he/she is.The book deals with peeling the layers of the onion and challenging and questioning beliefs that we grew up with and the very notion of who we are – who we believe ourselves to be.
Are we running away from ourselves? Are we who we really think we are? …who we say we are? Or are we subconsciously living out the exceptions of others without even realizing it?

You will now take an honest look at yourself:

I believe in transparency. In recognizing who we are and honoring ourselves. Many of us are not even aware we are subconsciously living out the lives of others.

This is about truth-telling:

Are you who and what you say you are?

How willing are you to find out who’s “life” you have been living and achieve a level of success for yourself that you never could have imagined…

It’s time that I put up boundaries with Erin because I am not about to be fooled again. I feel like I am getting played, and I have felt this way off and on for months now; realistically, a couple of years. Shame on me for not walking away.Denial is what brings me right “back” again, into the loop… the vicious cycle. She is bulshit. Everything about her. I hate her and how she lies through her teeth. She gets off on deceiving people. She even deceives herself. The problem is I get caught up every time and give in. I call her a push over, and most of the time she is, yet I am a push over for not walking away. I guess I am scared to. My heart is too intertwined. I hate it.

Every time I gain some momentum she pulls me back again with her sweetness… she gets physically close to me and it causes me to “believe” things have changed. Wrong.

I am only fooling and deceiving myself. She is still the same cruel, heartless, distant, cold, insensitive, selfish, and calculating person she is. My poem reads, “There isn’t any ‘love’ in goodbye,” which indicates how hard (difficult) it has been for me to walk away from unhealthy attachments.

I guess the messages that we learn in childhood can either keep us imprisoned or we can break out of them somehow.

How do we free ourselves? What is the ‘glue’ that holds us together? If denial then denial of what? Where is this ‘landmine’ I have stepped on, if such an invisible barrier? How can I learn to recognize it? The red

flags? Those things that we are supposed to keep our eyes wide-open to? See, I saw them, but I was so used to them from my mother and previous relationships that I overlooked them, passing them off as something I “haven’t already handled.” The fact is, she became too good at her game, and unfortunately I lost mine. Now I am stuck in a battle — a no-win situation, and I have clearly lost. Myself.

I am ready and desiring to reclaim myself. First comes the boundaries:

So when she comes at me and wants to tear down my walls:

What do I do? Do I just stand there? Take it? The solution would be to walk away, but “how” I ask, do you walk away from the only thing (false love, ie: narcissistic love) you’ve ever known? And when real love should present itself, how do you trust it? If trust is shattered and you have been stripped of your dignity, then how can you trust again? …how can you even trust yourself when your natural instinct has been deceived?

I want to hang Erin against a wall… what I mean by this is I want to see her held accountable for her actions, as I am so tired of her getting herself off the hook and sweet talking herself out of everything, including her stupid accident which was near-death and drug/substance-induced which she nearly killed someone and was able to talk her way out of getting alcohol/drug tested by the on-scene police officer! I am angry at her for her “I’ll do ‘whatever I want, ‘when’ I want attitude” at the expense of others. She’s a fucking antisocial (sociopath) woman. I do not trust her for the life of me and nobody should because she’s hype and glee one day and a cruel, calculated witch the next.

I am sick and tired of this shit, and I am once again “packing my bags,” both figuratively and literally. I have stuff all over my room right now sorted into different containers once again trying to figure out what I “need” and don’t need. I do not trust my stability/security, ie: Erin and Rick’s home. I do not trust Erin — as we have already established.

“Kicked around,” “Played with,” “Punched,” “Lied to,” “Deceived” — You name it, I have been. It has happened to me. I am sick and tired of it and am trying to develop standards for myself so that I can get the hell out of here. I must admit having a car will make it a lot easier! I am going to try my best not to lose my car and hope to God that my funds are not as low as I anticipated. I am going to honestly, somehow have to “pull up my bootstraps” and fly. I cannot wait-stay here; it is not healthy for me. We have known (already established) this, yet I am pretty thick-sculled because my heart is hurting so bad that I don’t want to face the grief (another loss added to the many others that I have had trouble grieving) to deal with.

Apparently I have a hard time with grief, and maybe I choose to become locked into these patterns to avoid having to face it. The harsh reality is I am going to have to face it because there will soon come a point where I am on my own officially. Honestly, a part of me wants to be on my own, as scary and frightening as that might seem… It’s a challenge for sure; however, being/living in Philly is not a challenge… it is downright scary. There isn’t any “challenge” in an area that is unsafe, as I have zero interest in living in an area that is unsafe.

I am interested in living in an area where I can grow and reach and aspire to be my best. I do not want to have to worry about my back, which I feel like in Philly you can’t do anything but that, and it doesn’t help that that is the impression Erin feeds me daily. I do not want to have to live my life that way… To be quite honest, if it wasn’t for Erin I would not even be in Philadelphia. I came here namely for the relationship… to continue it because I wanted things to be okay… and I believed her when she said that all she needed was her “family” and that everything would be “alright.” Wrong. It got worse.

I took the bait. At any rate, I choose on some level, whether subconsciously or consciously, to come to Philly. Some part of me chose — maybe the underdeveloped part of myself that longs for a “family.” The sad fact is, “family” to me is not the kind of family I want in my life… it’s narcissistic. I don’t want narcissistic “love” in my life. I want real love, and it starts with myself… so the reality is I have to get away from here. I need to leave. This place doesn’t do me any good, and it’s only hurting me (worse) being here. It’s only reinforcing the false internalized belief that I am not loveable or respectable or worthy.

I can’t determine my worth anymore in the eyes of others… not in those who are unworthy of my love, time, attention, and respect. I cannot allow myself to be walked on. Thus, I need to put up boundaries; it is absolutely necessary for my health and survival. I need to start now. As hard as it might seem/be, I need to, because I cannot continue to live a lie and live a life that does not serve (enrich) me. I am wasting precious, valuable opportunities… I cannot let a thief bring me down… I cannot let him/her rob me of my soul. Life is a precious jewel, and I want to treat it that way. I will not short-change myself.

I am cutting out all unhealthy people in my life and when this happens it will be inevitable that I will be left with is myself and will be asked to examine myself closely. I do believe though that association plays a big role in one’s development and growth –hindering or supporting. “Guilty by association.” People do have an effect on other people and the kinds of people we surround ourselves with is can break or make us. There is energy associated with each person and situation.

One by one I will be making and learning how to make healthy, better (sensible) decisions for myself, being mindful of the kinds of people I let into my life and the choices that I make. I am going to try and meditate a little and spend time myself so that I can develop mindfulness for things going on in my life. I am in the process right now of clearing out my room –making my external environment a safe haven and a clutter-free refuge for me to retreat. I think that this process of eliminating not necessary the “bad,” because I do not believe in strictly “good” and “bad,” but what does not align with my value-system, will be a *balancing act. It almost reminds me of 13. The Death card in the tarot that states: “Out with the old, on with the new,” —“When one door closes, another opens,” but it’s a transition… and a slow one at that.

I just do not want something, ie: Erin and a selfish acting out incident on her part to hinder my progress. I am not that strong to where I can just put my emotions aside and pretend (denial) to not be bothered; nor do I believe this is healthy. I am really going to have to try and maintain focus and perspective.

I think that I am going to hop in the shower now even though I already took a bath today. I want to feel clean 100% and well-groomed. Then afterwords I think I will work on my budget for my 4 living options (2 of which seem most viable) and lists, ie: grocery, to buy/return, etc. some more. The goal is to eventually have everything I need arranged and organized in such a manner to where I can access everything easily and efficiently, and save on costs. It is important for me to be able to have my own space and have things run efficiently while enjoying life.

Tonight is Super Bowl night and everyone is coming over to drink. Erin was quick to remind me that there would be much alcohol downstairs tonight. I am not looking forward to this evening the least bit and cannot understand why people insist that fun involves alcohol. Why not soda and popcorn? Heck, or even juice and celery?! I do not understand why people do not have well-developed values and am impatient with stupidity. I really want to surround myself with value-minded individuals who are working towards similar goals and share similar interests.