Earth landing “totally faked”, claim Martian sceptics

Scientists on Mars faced fresh allegations last night that video footage of the famous 1985 Earth Landing, in which astronauts from the red planet landed their flying saucer next to a service station in the US desert, stuck a probe up the rectum of the petrol pump attendant “for important scientific reasons” and flew off again, was, in fact, filmed entirely in a studio somewhere near Canal 67.

‘Dude, the detail is all wrong’, said a conspiracy theorist not wishing to be named “because they’re gonna find out where I live, man, they’re gonna find out and dam up the truth river”. ‘Just look at the Coke tin on the ground next to the diesel pump in the third shot’, he continued. ‘If you zoom in twenty times the can clearly says “New Coke”. We didn’t start shipping that shit to the apemen until April 1985, but the landing took place in March. Explain that if you can, Xeil Blarmstronx’.

Mr Blarmstronx, the first Martian to step monopod on the Earth, refused to comment - having remained famously tight-lipped about the mission since uttering the immortal words “that’s one small slime trail for a martian, one giant slime trail for martiankind” on finally slithering off the landing ramp.

Landing-deniers are questioning the veracity of the rectal probe experiment as well. ‘See that ass?’ said the spokesman, using his tongue to press pause on the DVD remote control. ‘From a distance it looks pretty human, don’t it? But get close up, and what’ s that poking out of the middle of the crack in the dungarees? Yep, a pair of antennae. I reckon that’s just one of our spaceforce sergeants in a humanoid flesh suit’.

Zubb Ralxin, the second Martian after Blarmstonx to feel and taste the air of an alien planet, was quick to dismiss the rumours of fakery. ‘The Coke can just had a bit of sand on it, not the word “New” ‘,he said. ‘And as for the extraordinary shape and size of the human backside, well, all I can say is “I was there”. I saw it with my own knees’.

Scientists acknowledge that the only way to quash doubts about their ability to make it to Earth and back is to return home from the next voyage with a live specimen from the green and blue world. ‘But we wouldn’t want to inconvenience a human’, said a cosmonaut, so we’ll make sure whoever we pick up has no family or work commitments, and for that reason our latest spacecraft have special scanners to detect middle-aged males leaving bars near trailer parks late at night. And, apart from experiencing the odd flashback of their time with us, they won’t remember a thing.'