Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Yesterday I was hurting and filled with this uncontrollable pain that I guess I really brought on myself and I unfortunately wasn't my normal self and that meant I didn't think straight and said some things that I know were uncalled for and hurt someone very important to me, someone I love I just hope that I can be forgiven for that.

I still am extremely angry at myself for what happened and I could give her everything I own (including my own life) for an eternity and it wouldn't be enough to repay the hurt and anguish I caused her with my thoughtless words and actions. She is the most caring, thoughtful and beautiful person I have ever known and the pain I feel from hurting her is far greater than any other physical pain I have endured in my lifetime.

It was an exceptionally nice day with lovely warm weather, and I guess that is why I wanted so much to be able to spend it with her as only a small part of my apology that I still feel I need to make so as to repay my debt to her for the hurt and pain I allowed her to suffer. A pain I had sworn never to submit her to, and that is another reason why I am so very mad at myself.

I broke a promise to her, I caused her to be upset and I feel like I am a lesser person for that. Her forgiving nature and humility continue to amaze me and as usual her actions inspire me and make me even more and more proud of her.

When I first came across her several years ago there was something that told me this lovely lady was a very special person and the more I have gotten to know her the more and more I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper for her. There are times when she seems to be a kindred spirit who I feel I belong with this does get clouded and distorted by the pain and evils within my past and the fact she understands and forgives me for all my misgivings makes her even more special,

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Our mind is an amazing strange yet wonderful thing, magicians continue to chose to trick the mind into seeing things that are not really happening.

Alas sometimes we can also fool ourselves and that can be very bad not only for us but those around us because when we are fooled by ourself then we can also end up hurting those around us.

The worst pain to get is one that we feel is there and real but in fact it is just a figment of our own cruel and twisted imaginations. I have experienced so many bad things in my life and a lot of those are hiding deep within my mind, I keep many locked away as good as I can but there are times of weakness when they force their way out and wreak havoc with me and my state of mind.

I do not condone the things I did and I have apologised to the most important person in my life but I cannot excuse myself as simply as she did because I hurt her and I personally feel that I deserve a far more severe punishment. One more befitting of what I did than a simple heartfelt apology, real pain is what I deserve........

I guess this old saying comes to light more with recent events in my life and I have to admit I feel so very stupid because I made assumptions about many things and they were totally wrong and for that I feel so bad.

When we look at ourselves in a normal mirror everything is where it should be, but you take a hammer and hit that mirror hard enough to break it then you will see the shards of your life... parts of time and space that can be called events within the fabric of your being - look closely and you will make some things out clearly but others you will have no idea about and that my friends is why life is like a broken mirror - because what we sometimes see and feel isn't what is really there.

I owe someone very important and special to me the biggest longest apology ever made and I hope that deep within her heart she can forgive this total and complete fool who let the demons of his past cloud his present and take a hammer to his mirror once more.

I would not blame her if she never ever forgave me but I know that after talking with her I feel so much better and far more clear than I have the past 24 or so hours.... thank you to the most amazing wonderful woman I know.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

A real friend is there to offer support and guidance, sometimes they will be right there with you but not always.The true friend will be there with you every step of the way, usually in the thick of it right alongside you.A fake friend will be there too, they don't help they just sit back and watch waiting for you to fall so they can laugh.

Real friends look out for you, help you with the little things and have fun with you when they can.True friends are real friends but they are there for you when things are bad too, they even remember important stuff like your birthday and think of you as a part of them.Fake friends are there when they want to be, they don't care about you but will have fun with you because it suits or benefits them.

A real friend will do things for you and get you things you can use, they generally like to get help in return.Your true friend will do things and get stuff without asking why or expecting anything back.Of course your fake friend might help but they'd usually give 20 question and expect payment in full as soon as possible.

When you're in trouble for some reason or another a real friend might step in and help but they might step back and not help, a true friend will be there beside you all the way making the best of it for you and a fake friend will just spread the rumours about you.

Friday, September 25, 2009

I'm currently laying on my bed listening to a bit of music, talking with a friend and contemplating the world.

I guess looking back through my life I can honestly say so far it has been a bumpy ride which has taken me to hell and back, the irony of it all is the fact Marilyn Manson wrote a song called "Long Hard Road Outta Hell" and now I can totally understand what he meant. No matter how far you drive away from it, the cold hard fact is it sits there right behind you.

Thankfully for me the long road out has been illuminated by someone who means a great deal to me, they continue to be my help, drive & inspiration. Whenever the road is hard & tough all I need to do is think of what this person means to me & I feel myself lifting up & moving forward more & more each day....

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

yesterday was a bit crazy, but then again so was today. Yet throughout today I felt really good and very special for some reason, I attributed that reasion initially to one thing but I've come to realise it was more than that. I found that it was a collection of things which when studied closely all were linked to one aspect of my life. That part of my life is the one thing that makes me truly happy and couldn't be any more evident than it was for a few hours this afternoon.

I also found myself feeling totally amazing all afternoon just from the euphoria I had for several hours, a euphoria that still lingers now. It's probably because the reason I felt good reappeared briefly in my life again. The person that gives me these feelings of bliss only needs to smile for me to be happy and I keep noticing that the time has a habit of seemingly standing still. I know now that I'm not the only person who feels this. I do in fact feel extra special this evening and just maybe that's why I am still awake, as my energy levels etc are peaking still.

I would never want this person to change for me, she has made some changes in her life. I think they are one's she felt she needed to make and I feel some are for the better. I really don't care about my own happiness because if she's happy then I know I will be too. When she's hurt I have been able to sometimes sense her pain, that has freaked me out a bit too.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

I had a bit of an emotional roller coaster during this week, mainly mid week but you get that when work is busy, you have so much on your mind and haven't really been sleeping properly.

Today was strange coz I slept really well and woke up at the time I'd normally get up for work, but I don't work Saturdays unless we have a big order or something that requires it. I just lay in bed for like an hour or so and found that I couldn't get back to sleep.

I was going to visit my sister but my mum came over about the time I was due to leave and told me she wasn't home so that ruined those plans for that part of the day. I had a few things planned to do and they would've taken me until lunchtime to do, since my sister wasn't home the tasks I set aside for the afternoon were done in the morning.

I then decided to try and get some rest this after noon but that was to no avail, so now I am way tired and a little bit grumpy. I guess I could be called easily irritable and the main reason would be a serious lack of sleep because so much is going on inside my head right now and I feel as though my head just wants to pop right off my shoulders.

Some things have irritated me the last week none more so than people saying they will do one thing and then not doing it, that was the breaking point today as I had made plans with my sister over the last 2 days and she said ok then wasn't home. It changed my entire days plans because to go to her house is 45 minutes and the return is the same - I had planned to do shopping and the like as well but that was cancelled too.

Instead now I will probably do my shopping etc tomorrow and lose half of that day doing other stuff as well, will lose part of the day with Cricket training but that is expected and also have a bit of administrative work to do as well. These were calculated and the loss of a couple hours today throws part of tomorrows plans out the window as well.

I am happy with my life at this time, even though I'm single and seemingly devoid of love I know that there are those out there that care about me and cherish me. The last few days for example would've been rather hellish for the old me, whereas the new me just smiles and continues to dance to the songs on the radio.

Been really enjoying the sounds of so many different artists lately, my music taste is so wide that if it was water it would be the Atlantic Ocean. I don't listen to certain things very often as I'm more a mood person and lately most of my music has been up beat or really loud. The long guitar riffs are also a favourite sound as are beefy drums.

Lately too I've been in one of my more creative moods, which doesn't help when you work hard all day long and have so many other things going on. I don't have the time to draw, barely have the time to write sometimes too. When the creative juices are flowing at times it's hard to stop them because it can be so distracting from whatever task I'm doing at the time.

Smiling is something I am doing far more often and the credit for my happiness and current state of well being can all be directed to one very special amazing wonderful gorgeous person.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I used to have a lot more posts - they were just a bit too negative for my new direction so I decided to have a nice spring clean.

I really am enjoying the warm sunny days as they are really spectacular. I noticed the first lightning the other night & that gave me a nice happy glow too. I can wear a long sleeve shirt & be comfy, not freeze or melt when I'm working.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn't cross. Because love isn't about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It's about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it's a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling 'happy' and feeling whole.

A very close friend who means a lot to me wrote this in a blog recently and they attributed it to someone else who actually wrote it but I think it's a very true statement in relation to love.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

As someone who has been down many roads throught my lifetime I can say that I have personally been to hell and back on many occassions. Some of these have been life changing experiences that have scarred me for a lifetime however as I have walked along the road I have move past these to a new challenge.

Recently I ventured off the road and started climbing the stairway, the higher I climbed the better I felt - and as it turned out I had found the stairway to heaven. I walk it alone at this time but I'm pretty sure that someone out there is watching me climb it and wants to join in. I'm not afraid of heights so I can continue to go up - I don't want to look back because I know the demons in my past are there and are willing to drag me back into the darkness that lives along the road.

Even now I can feel and aura and presence about me that is warm and comforting and I really like the simplistic nature of it all. My thoughts continue to dance in my head and contain many things but more and more they are of the happy things in my life, the good times that brought a warm smile to my face.. these I never want to forget. Lately I've been blessed by having the ability to block out the bad things when times feel darkest and I fear that I'm at my most vulnerable.

The continued negativity and despair others radiate toward me is also deflected by this sense of inner calm. I really don't know what is happening but I feel that I'm going thru what could only be portrayed as euphoria within my mind, body and soul..... :)

Monday, September 14, 2009

On the weekend I went to a final for a winter sport and the funny thing was the weather was more suited to a summer sport... then woke up this morning and the roof of my car had ice on it but I could've gotten sunburned if I was outside this afternoon.

I've been really happy the last couple days as well, so much so that the little things that usually tend to bother or maybe upset me had zero effect on me. I did have this way awesome dream last night as I woke up feeling somewhat euphoric (there is a word for you too look up if you don't know it). I don't actually remember the content or nature of the dream but guaging my feelings I would hazard a guess and say one particular person featured in that dream quite significantly.

I have a few aches and pains from the weekend, mainly a sore ankle which was hit by a cricket ball - and is a little bit bruised at this time. It was made a bit more annoying by my work boots which rub it constantly but it hasn't stopped me feeling good or smiling.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Like many people I have good & bad memories and try to at all cost not think of the bad things. That doesn't always happen & to be honest I generally use the good memories to combat the bad ones.

In the last 18 months I would have to say I've been thru so much more than I expected, never in my wildest dreams or thoughts come up with my last 18 months. I've gained, lost & experienced many things that are good & bad unfortunately. I find comfort in the good things yet the bad always trouble the mind. Keeping the good to fight the bad seems to be my thing but others prefer to forget.

I was taught that to see where you're going you nust be able to see where you have been. For if you get lost you can go back & find your wat forward again. I will try to forget most of the last 18 months as I would rather lose that than the friendship of a very special person. They know who they are & also they know just how I feel.

Friday, September 4, 2009

and the more I look at things from this angle & that I find I see some interesting things especially when I look at the thing you've said in relation to this guy & that guy. I can't lie to you & I never could or would. In each of those people I've noticed they share attributes with me, I know that it may be just my perspective but things they did for you that you remember arew things I said that I'd do just for you.

I continue to be here for you, I've been here for you now for a couple years, I guess you could say I've been a big part of your life. It was my intervention that got 'R' to get you away from 'B'. I told her to do it as even then I could sense something very special about you. The more we talked, the more I found myself being drawn to you. The night 'R' got you away from 'B' was the very first night I knew how important to me you were. I couldn't stand what was happening and had to act, being this far away all I could do was send 'R' there.

For the time after that we talked more and more and I know that grew our bond, a bond I don't think has been broken, merely stretched so bad. I know that during that time 'B' worked hard to break us, that resulted in him saying those lies & faking conversations. He really hurt you with all that & you not trusting me was one of the things that pushed me back into that old darkness. In that place I was so lost and scared and got help to find my way out but I needed to take a step back so that I didn't hurt you.

I now realise me stepping back probably made you think 'B' was right, he lied and I can still not say the words he says I did. I still feel as strongly for you now as I did then, I have tried to be there for you all the time and comfort you and be your friend because that is something I feel I need to do. I also think that the guys you've been with all have some attribute that is also mine and I think that is coz you've been trying to find me there.. in them.

I know you still care coz you got 'R' to message me when my computer died and I had the phone trouble. We still talk a lot like nothing changed, in that we can just sit n talk for ages about all sorts of random stuff. I have helped you with things and you've helped me with some of my own too yet I still owe you a lot more help. I also remember a promise I made to you about the hugs n kisses - that tally still remains uncollected, and I would love to pay them to you... over a lifetime.

Sorry I know that makes you uncomfortable and I think I know why - because you still have strong feelings that you've been trying to stop. I have tried that myself and keep finding it so hard as well because I can't think of my life without you as part of it. If you think different then please let me know ok, because as I feel now you're fighting what you feel like I have been.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I have to admit that I'm a pretty emotional person but lately I've been more than normal.

Last year I fell in love with someone who is still in my heart and thoughts, unfortunately for me they have moved on and even though we are friends they don't keep feeling the things I do. I still get butterflies in my stomach when she's about, she sometimes tries to hide but I can feel here presence as it surrounds me. I find time stands totally still when I talk with her & I seem to get that much energy from her presence that sometimes it's hard to sleep.

I love every little thing about her, those puppy dog eyes, her soft kissable lips and breath taking smile. I love her soft gentle angelic voice, the way she talks relaxes & calms my troubled soul. Her soft skin looks so delicate yet I know she is actually very strong and resilient. I adore her positive smiling nature & happy demeanour as they make me so happy too. Just having her around is like being on some kind of drug, I guess I even get withdrawals when she's not there too.

I love her still so very much, but know that right now all she wants is a friend. I can be that friend yet I know that how I feel about her makes our lives hard as she no longer feels those things that I still feel. I wish at times I didn't fall apart when I did, or people didn't hurt her when they did because deep down I know that's when it all went bad for us. I honestly have never felt this much emotion for any person before.

It scares & unbalances me so very much not just because of how I feel, but because I have been seriously hurt before and also because I know that I have also fallen apart because of that old pain. I get scared by the uncertainty of life even now I fear losing her friendship as I think she doesn't realise I will always love her but know she no longer loves me, she cares about me - that's it.

I continue to try and distance myself from her even now but her pull on me is stronger than that of gravity, maybe stronger than 10G's. I've never once been mad at her, she recently left abruptly & like every other time my anger is directed inward at me. I was why she left, I made her leave... OMG I just realised that this whole thing is like before in that respect...

I really need to give her some space & I should be more understanding of her, I'm trying hard but there are so many things that I've got to deal with still.... I have to apologise to her again for my stupidity & hope she understands & can forgive me still.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Yesterday was so rather dark and I felt like the world was against me in more ways than one. I even felt like nobody cared which even though I know this isn't true I still felt it. I had a strong feeling that my friends had abandoned me. I've really had an issue with that feeling because of something that happened to me a long time ago, and having that feeling yesterday was not at all good.

I felt as though my friends and family didn't care if I lived or died, that feeling has only been with me once before and it scared me so very badly yesterday when I again felt it as strongly as that. I tried to get in touch with some of my friends so that I could at least stop feeling that way but as fate would have it they all were busy or something so they didn't return my texts or messages. So as the day wore on I felt like I was walking further away from the light and being more exposed to the darkness.

Adding to these feelings was the fact that I was working alone, I had family and some friends drop their problems in my lap without even asking me if I was ok. I struggled bleakly through the day and was also hurting a bit physically which I think only added to the feelings of utter despair.

Thankfully my brother was there to drive home because I honestly did feel I was capable of undertaking that task properly. I was tired, sore and extremely irritated as well as feeling really like the world wanted to swallow me up and not spit me back out.

I was home for a while when a very good friend popped online and we chatted for a while and I was able to talk to them about my worries and the things bringing me down. I've always been able to talk openly with them and find I can't keep a secret from her at all. She knows my darkest more painful secrets and I respect the fact that she trusts me with her life too.

I was talking to her and she smiled, just your normal IM smile but that was enough for me to break my first smile of the day. Naturally I told her that it was my first for the day and she was jubilant to say the least. We talked for a couple hours in all I think, I don't honestly know because when I'm talking to her there is no time - it seems to stop or lose all meaning.

Today, I texted her to thank her for all her assistance as I had a nice sleep and felt extremely good for once. I was happy to hear back from her and we actually exchanged a variety of texts all day long - something I normally don't seem to do but with her I always seem comfortable.

I naturally had her in my mind most of the day, and because she was in my mind I was smiling continually. I listened to my MP3 player and every song was sung to because I was so happy... I even danced to a few songs - thank god I worked alone again today or people would've had me thrown in a Mental Hospital. I sang a couple songs so loud today that I'm sure someone heard my screeching. The song were by a band called Paramore, I know that I heard one song twice... Chances.

It was appropriate that song played a couple times because it really got me thinking too. I remembered the only time I kind of kept this secret from my lady friend and it was only because the friend that told me wanted it to be a surprise for her and if I told her it'd spoil it. I do know she loved the horse riding along the beach, her friend told me that she was so happy and for that I'm glad I was able to hold that secret long enough.

Even now I think about her, mainly how amazing, beautiful, caring and supportive she is. I love the way her smile warms me and always gets me smiling. Her voice is so soft and has such a gentle angelic nature to it that I'm sure she is from heaven itself. She is just gorgeous, her nature is so up beat and I love how happy she is, I hope that it's me making her smile and happy too.