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Stanley Cup Finals Game 7 Live Running Diary

It’s time to finally, finally end hockey season. I’m coming to you live from the Rainman Suite with Charlie Sheen, Jenna Haze, Lanny Barby, Tiffany Taylor, Alexis Texas, and briefcase full of cocaine. OK, actually I have a belly fully full of Chinese food and a six-pack of Labatts. This game is huge. Neither team has won the Stanley Cup in nearly 40 years and Vancouver has never won it. Also, the last time they lost a Finals Game 7, there was a massive riot. As John Davidson would say, “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh baby!” GAME 7!

8:02-We see the Stanley Cup make its grand entrance into the arena in a silver SUV. You’d think it’d be rolling in a Hummer limo or something.

8:06-A Boston fan told Dan Patrick, “We didn’t lose to the British, and we’re not losing to British Columbia.” Those Bostonians are so clever.

8:11-There’s so much at stake tonight. If Boston wins, they’d have won every Championship in the past seven years. The last thing we need is those pink hat-wearing frontrunning douchebags to pull off the feat. Let the negative karma flow.

8:13-There’s an exterior shot of the arena. The streets are entirely packed. It’s only 5PM in Vancouver. It’s going to be wild tonight no matter what. Imagine leaving work and hitting that traffic. Did they even work today?

8:16-A guy in a tux sings the American national anthem. There’s a smattering of boos. Don’t boo the anthem, people.

8:18-My friend Naitch just showed up. He’s the only Canadian I know in New York. We are wearing identical shirts with the Canadian maple leaf on them from Bret Hart Appreciation Night at the Garden. He brought Tim Horton’s but I stopped short of hanging up a Canadian flag.

8:20-Naitch likes Pierre McGuire’s early intensity. He thinks he’s the best sideline reporter since Mike Adamle.

8:22-Enjoying the Tim Horton’s. Vancouver is aggressive from the start. There’s an ad on the board for something called Boston Pizza. The word Boston is crossed out and replaced with “Vancouver.” Classic.

8:23-There’s a player named Weiner. Doc Emerich just called him “a pinching Weiner.” He should run for Congress.

8:24-The puck is loose in Luongo’s crease! Boston can’t stuff it in. This is followed by a nice play by Henrik Sedin blocked by Tim Thomas.

9:14-Why do they call it the Stanley Cup Final? There should be an “s” dammit!

9:15-They throw it to Pierre. Glenn Healy does his best to look busy.

9:17-MARCHAND OFF THE POST!

9:18-Burrows has a point blank chance but the puck jumped over his stick! Fate is cruel. Naitch says he would have put it in.

9:19-Time for my third Labbats. GAME 7!

9:23-Naitch decides he wants to see a riot. He’s rooting for Boston again.

9:25-Vancouver is getting a lot of good chances but Thomas is stopping everything. Naitch says he’s like the girl he took to the prom.

9:27-Canookie texts that the bar is very hopeful and they have heart. Let’s see what happens in the third period.

9:29-Burrows gets the puck all by himself but holds onto it and it’s blocked by Thomas. So close!

9:30-Naitch wants to know if the Anaheim Ducks have retired Gordon Bombay’s number.

9:32-Finished my third Lebatts. Naitch brought some Coors Light since it’s owned by Molson. I don’t really get the logic but I love beer. GAME 7!

9:33-Pierre is interviewing B’s coach Claude Julien. I hate coach interviews. They serve no purpose. All I want to do is watch the game.

9:35-Luongo gets caught out of position and Marchand scores on a wrap-around. 2-0 B’s. Naitch wants to know if this is Pee Wee hockey.

9:36- The instant replay shows that Luongo stopped the puck but knocked it in. Bring in the backup!

9:40-The Canucks are relentless but can’t put it in. Still they draw the first power play of the game. Here’s their chance.

9:45-Naitch says, “Don Cherry warns about the two-goal lead.”

9:46-The Canucks don’t have to worry about the two-goal lead because Bergeron scores a weak shorthanded goal on a breakaway.

9:47-But wait! There’s a review. Did Bergeron push the puck into the goal with his hand? Nope. 3-0 B’s.

9:48-The guy running the PA system responds to the Boston goal by playing Blow by Ke$ha. Things are slowly slipping away.

9:50-The crowd is trying to get the Canucks back into it, but it’s understandably stunned.

9:51-End of the second. 3-0 B’s. Naitch says there’s only coach that can rally the Canucks and his name is Gordon Bombay.

9:53-Tom Hanks’s new movie looks terrible. It looks like somebody just said, “Let’s get Hanks and Julia Roberts together again! We don’t need a script!”

9:55-I can’t tell if Whitney Cummings is hot. I’m still not going to watch her new show.

9:58-I love it when they show anti-smoking ads that basically consist of cancerous organs. I DON’T SMOKE! DON’T SHOW ME A HEART FILLED WITH PLAQUE!

10:00-The big park in Vancouver is named Stanley Park. Naitch informs me that a lot of drug deals take place there. Not a good sign.

10:01-Keith Jones informs us that he would have used his time oot soon. Time oot! Canada!

10:03-If the 1994 Junior Goodwill Games taught us anything, it’s that changing uniforms in the second intermission is basically a guarantee for a Championship. Let’s go back to black and yellow Canucks jerseys, everybody!

10:07-I’ve seen several trailers for The Green Lantern and I still can’t figure out what it’s about. I’d rather watch Larry Crowne.

10:12-Naitch says that this is the quietest Vancouver has been since that Georgian luger died. Too soon?

10:15-In a super slo mo replay, we see that Thomas hit a Canuck in the face with his stick. No call. GAME 7!

10:17-Yanick Hansen gets called for a penalty on a cheap hit after he took a high stick from Zdeno Chara. This is not looking good.

10:20- The Canucks only have one chance: Flying V.

10:24-My cousin from Montreal just sent me an E-mail. I recognized the word “Canucks” but that’s it. I wish I knew French.

10:26-Naitch and I want to know more about the guy that takes care of the Stanley Cup. Does he bring girls back to his hotel with the greatest pickup line ever, “Hey, you want to see the Stanley Cup?” Guy must do great in Canada.

10:29-I wonder if Sedin translates to “LeBron” in Swedish.

10:31-Milan Lucic gets called for hooking. I wonder if Gary Bettman paid off the refs. 8 minutes left.

10:33-Burrows takes an hard elbow to the face. The Rock would have been proud. No call. Maybe there should have been. 7 minutes left.

10:38-There is no way the rioters will leave any Boston Pizzas standing in Vancouver tonight. 5 minutes left.

10:39-Eddie O says, “You have to tip you have to helmet to the Boston Bruins.” Will do Eddie! 4 minutes left.

11:09-And the last word from Canookie, “Apparently some people are bburning their jersies. Ifm a litle drunk. Apparenly soem flippd cars. I see 3 helicopters.” Couldn’t have said it better myself. Let’s just hope she makes it home safely.