Briefs

AUSTIN—Noah Gripeson reported several personal belongings missing after asking a criminal to keep an eye on his bag at the Perry-Castañeda Library this afternoon. “He seemed so excited to help a fellow longhorn while I took a call,” said Gripeson. “I think it’s just disgusting that a thief would steal another’s items after being asked to do just the opposite.” The Texas Travesty would like to remind students in this disheartening time to never judge a crook by its cover. A watched backpack never boils.

AUSTIN, TX—During a phone call with one of her daughters who never calls, Gertrude Simons reportedly spent half of the conversation explaining how her daughter is related to someone. “I called because I wanted to know whether or not it was okay for my son to smell like burnt glazed ham, and she started talking to me about my Uncle Thomas, who likes glazed ham,” said Samantha before looking out at the horizon, thinking of all the things she could have done differently to avoid that conversation.

Comedy is all about experimenting with form, the constant pushing against the established to arrive at new and innovative creations, paving the way for the growth of human understanding. We as comedians and humans are beholden to nothing, and I will not stand to see my beloved Travesty’s creativity stifled by a blind adherence to Custom. By inverting a staple of this time-honored student publication, we can become our own gods, inventing for ourselves a heaven of hell and opening the door to exciting, new possibilities.

AUSTIN, TEXAS – Attributing it to the lack of free merchandise given out, 10 year old Tanner Bishop found this year’s annual visit to Grandma’s house incredibly lackluster. “As a longtime fan, it’s very sad to see the deterioration of a once beloved and highly anticipated trip,” pouted the empty-handed Bishop in the back of his mother’s 2015 Honda CR-V.

MCALLEN, TX - Trying not to burst into a violent sob, Richard Baker bravely scrolled his way through part one of the Moonlight Wikipedia synopsis. “Of the 10 to 15 water cooler conversations I’m regularly excluded from each week back at the office, at least two of them are always specifically about the Oscar-winning 2016 film Moonlight,” Baker said, his right hand resting on his ergonomic mouse pad that bears a stunning likeness to a pair of female breasts.

PFLUGERVILLE—Late Saturday night, area boy Miles Johnson met with his Dungeons and Dragons group to once again project his crippling insecurities onto his character, a half-elf named Aelar. “I will inspect the wooden chest that is in front of me, and I will keep any items of value the chest might contain,” Johnson aggressively asserted in Aelar’s voice, over the other players. “Of course, Aelar will not share the spoils of the adventure with his comrades. They’re less like comrades and more like incompetent oafs.

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN – Claiming that it probably isn’t a wise investment for Him, the Lord God Almighty has decided that He will not be renewing His subscription for the planet Earth. “Yeah, I guess I’m a little disappointed that I might not get to see what the truth is behind the Trump and Russia drama, but there have been some other really great moments for me to remember,” said our Heavenly Father, fondly recalling the moment when Chance the Rapper thanked Him at the Grammys. “I just hope I get to see what Beyoncé decides to name the twins.

AUSTIN—Clicking away through his feed, UT alum Derek Gilbreth has decided to give back to the community by answering statistics polls on Facebook. "Man, when I was at UT, I was king of the campus, baby. Filling out those polls, it's kind of like reliving that dream," said Gilbreth as he polished his class ring. "It's pretty cool what those kids come up with. I never thought owning a MacBook could affect how often I use the bathroom until now." At press time, Gilbreth was seen getting ready for his shift at Staples.

During a chance encounter with a past acquaintance from middle school, Stephanie Briggs was highly distressed to observe her former classmate grow more and more committed to Briggs’ offhanded suggestion to grab brunch sometime. “I was pretending I hadn’t seen her,” explained Briggs, who had reportedly been “minding her business” in the towel aisle of Target when she felt a tap on her shoulder. “Being forced to interact with her once was bad enough—there’s no way in hell I could make it through an entire meal.” At press time, Briggs was reportedly spotted applying for Canadian citizenship.

ASHEVILLE, NC — Early last week, local hibachi chef Gates McClinchie found a five-leaf clover in his backyard that could literally mean anything. “I’m not sure if this means I’m going to be extra lucky now or what. Like, a four-leaf clover is a good thing. But five leaves?” reported McClinchie after hours of looking through the local library’s botany section. “I just don’t know what to do with this thing. It seems lucky, but what if five leaves is bad luck? What if it had just two leaves?

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The Texas Travesty is a student humor publication at the University of Texas at Austin, published monthly by the permanent and contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where public figures are involved, characters are not based on any real person. Any resemblence to any persons living or dead is coincidental. The views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect the views of Texas Student Media, The University of Texas at Austin, or pretty much anyone. All material printed is property of the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for readers under 18 years of age, regardless of the pretty pictures.