Why You Should Hold A Grudge Against Your Spouse

Everyone from relationship gurus to religious authorities
tout the benefits of forgiveness. But new research suggests that in some cases,
it may be better to emulate Elizabeth Edwards — who left her cheating husband
John Edwards out of her will — than Hillary Clinton, who forgave Bill Clinton
for his dalliances with a White House intern.

Hearing "it's okay, honey," may be just the fuel the
transgressing spouse needs for more lapses of judgment, according to the new study
of newlyweds.

Newlyweds who forgave their partner's bad behavior were more
likely to face additional bad behavior the next day compared with those who stayed
mad, the study showed. The benefits of forgiveness may need to be weighed
against the risks, said study author James McNulty, a psychologist at the
University of Tennessee.

"You may feel better if you forgive me," McNulty
told LiveScience. "But the question is, what happens down the road?"

Doormat drawbacks

The forgiveness effect may be long-lasting. McNulty's study,
published in the December issue of the Journal of Family Psychology, followed participants
for one week. So it's likely that the unforgiven spouses behaved better in an
attempt to get out of the dog house, McNulty said.

However, in a second study that has been accepted for
publication but not yet published, McNulty followed couples for four years—and
the results showed a similar pattern.

"I measured, basically, people's tendency to be
forgiving and partners' tendencies to engage
in verbal and physical aggression," McNulty said. "The partners
of less-forgiving spouses actually showed a decrease… If I'm a forgiving
person, you're going to keep [acting aggressively] for four years."

It may seem unsurprising that there's a fine line between
forgiving and becoming a doormat. But those nuances sometimes get lost, said
Eli Finkel, a social psychologist at Northwestern University in Illinois who
was not involved in the study.

"Social scientists, theologians and clinicians have
touted the virtues of forgiveness, frequently without attending to its
downsides," Finkel wrote in an e-mail to LiveScience. "McNulty's work
helps to serve as a corrective to the simple-minded notion that forgiveness is
always good."

If you don't mind,
I'll do that again …

To track forgiveness, McNulty asked 135 heterosexual
newlywed couples to fill out individual relationship diaries every day for a
week. The diaries included a questionnaire about whether the person's spouse
had done something to upset them, and whether they'd forgiven
their spouse for the transgression.

McNulty analyzed data from all of the respondents who reported
being upset with their spouses one day and described that person's behavior the
next day. That left 165 individuals (76 men and 89 women). The husbands in the
narrowed sample reported bad behavior from wives on about 29 percent of days,
while wives reported bad behavior from husbands on about 34 percent of days.

Overall, spouses who forgave their partners were almost
twice as likely to report that their partner misbehaved the next day as those who
held a grudge, McNulty found.

The most common transgressions reported were mild ones, such
as disagreements, nagging, or one spouse being inconsiderate to the other. Some,
however, were more serious: About 9 percent of men and 5 percent of women
reported psychological abuse. One man reported a betrayal, and one woman
reported sexual coercion by her husband. [10 Surprising Sex Statistics]

To hold a grudge or
not …

The findings don't suggest that forgiveness is always bad,
McNulty said, nor is it a given that forgiving someone will turn you into a
doormat. There is a lot of variance among couples, he said, and forgiveness is
likely only a problem when the offending partner has a tendency to abuse his or
her spouse's trust.

"If I forgive you, I've given you no reason to
stop," McNulty said. "But if you rarely do it anyway, then that's not
much of a problem."

The next step is to tease out these personal differences
further, McNulty said. In the meantime, couples should focus on solving
problems rather than simple forgiveness, according to psychotherapist Tina B.
Tessina, the author of "Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three
Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage" (Adams Media, 2008) who wasn’t
involved in the study.

"You don't have to condemn your partner to be wary of
his or her out-of-control or thoughtless behavior," Tessina wrote in an e-mail
to LiveScience. "Instead, you can recognize that both of you are fallible
human beings, do what is necessary to fix the problems, and then forgive each
other."

Stephanie Pappas

Stephanie Pappas is a contributing writer for Live Science. She covers the world of human and animal behavior, as well as paleontology and other science topics. Stephanie has a Bachelor of Arts in psychology from the University of South Carolina and a graduate certificate in science communication from the University of California, Santa Cruz. She has ducked under a glacier in Switzerland and poked hot lava with a stick in Hawaii. Stephanie hails from East Tennessee, the global center for salamander diversity. Follow Stephanie on Google+.