by Helen Greaser

I'm lucky I've not really had an issue with heckling. Mainly that is because I am so incredibly awesome that hecklers are loathe to cross me. (Pause for laugh.) Anyways, I am sure that if I were to encounter a mass of drunken heckle-dicks I would slay them with my rapier tongue, sharpened by years of being a) the lone sister of three brothers, b) a bartender in NYC, and, most importantly, c) completely unafraid of anything when I have a microphone in my hand and a light on my face. This last part is key. The heckler does not have amplification, so his/her shouts are heard clearly by few, while my comebacks are on loudspeakers. And I have a damn light or five shining on me. The audience WANTS me to win. The heckler can only win if a comic gives up, gets really pissed off and starts losing it, and/or turns the audience against him/her by being too cruel.

I have had talkers through my sets --- many times, the talkers are people I BROUGHT TO SEE THE SHOW. One talker was a guy I just started to "date" (the quotes denote my euphemism for "a few beers, a kiss, and a quickie"), and I had to shut him up by saying: "SHUT UP guy who I just started to date, and by 'DATE' I mean a few beers, a kiss, and a quickie!!!" That shut him up but good. Also: he never watched me do comedy again. Or called me. Strange.

I've had shitty hosts who yelled at the audience for not laughing enough, on a Tuesday night, at 6 pm --- that is worse than any heckler. Try doing a set after THAT. The audience is angry and embarrassed and dares you to be funny. And usually foreign. Also, I was introduced as "HELEN GREASER" and GOD I hate that. Helen Greaser. Helen Greaser sounds like a trashy neighbor with cars piled up in the front yard like kindling. Maybe I should work on that character. Hell, Larry the Cable Guy made it work, and now he's a gajillionaire. Sheeeeeit. (Pause again for laugh.)

I'll tell you what: BRING IT ON. I will take your damn heckle and turn it into comedy gold. (see above.) I will relish the opportunity to stop my set (if that is what it can be called) and deal with your talking gob and I will emerge VICTORIOUS. I will BRANG it. Just try me. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. I'll do it Clinton style: