Q & A

Tapehead, the TV columnist, first appeared in the Guardian's Guide in 1993. His twisted philosophies and vitriolic feuds with Prince Edward, Richard E Grant and the presenters of The Italian Kitchen were compulsive reading for seven years. He was axed by his creator, Jim Shelley, who was fed up with Tapehead being more popular than him. Tapehead lives on in cyberspace at www.tapehead.co.uk and has a book out, Interference: Tapehead Versus Television.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Staying up with three baby bottles of Absolut and a two-part episode of The Vice.

With which historical figure do you most identify?

Thomas Jerome Newton - for losing his control of the remote.

Which living person do you most admire?

Maradona - for being noble: forza Napoli!

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Being too nice to Lindsey Corkhill.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Liking the Beatles.

What has been your most embarrassing moment?

Telling Kate Moss to stop ringing me, because it's over.

What vehicles do you own?

Black leather reclining TV viewing chair on casters.

What objects do you always carry with you?

TV remote.

What makes you depressed?

Seeing Popstars reject Darius.

What is your favourite book?

Herzog, by Saul Bellow.

What is your favourite fantasy?

Being resuscitated by Tina from Casualty.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

The Clash.

Have you ever said 'I love you' and not meant it?

Of course not (men don't even say it when they do mean it).

What is your greatest regret?

That handguns are not legal in this country.

How do you relax?

Watching The Sopranos, playing football, having sex, drinking baby bottles of Absolut.

How often do you have sex?

Night and day.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?

Sex in the afternoon.

How would you like to die?

Violently.

How would you like to be remembered?

As the person responsible for driving Richard E Grant back to Swaziland.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?

If at first you don't succeed, give up.

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