And Now For Something Completely Different

Previously on “24” we took the entire plot line from this season and threw it out the window. The suitcase nukes? Fayed? The dirty bomb that hit San Francisco? Uh yeah, we’re done with that.

So all of you who were worried about poor Walid, Sandra Palm

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Oh Walid, we hardly knew you.

er’s hapless boyfriend; or Phillip, Jack’s long-lost father, or even Marilyn and Josh, Jack’s brother’s wife and son? All those characters from earlier in the season? Nevermind. They’ve been Kim Bauer’d — sent away to the place where they cannot be seen on TV. But that’s not to say they weren’t fun while they lasted.

11 p.m. to 12 a.m. — The new concern is Audrey Raines, Jack Bauer’s squeeze from another day. Audrey took off, appeared in a show about a bank robbery, got great reviews and then got cancelled. So now she’s back and you will be surprised to hear that she is in terrible danger. Also, unfortunately, that she is experiencing a bad hair day. Evidently, the evil Chinese secret police do not understand the concept of a good conditioner.

Jack, needless to say, is a little banged up after disposing of a raft of terrorists, fighting and killing Fayed, and saving the nukes.

“You really need to get to a hospital,” a flunky says, “but I understand the circumstances.”

And this is just a wild guess, but I’m betting that’s the last we hear of those particular injuries. Jack is now caught up in cell phone conversations, whisper-yelling to everyone that he has to save Audrey, who is being held by the Chinese.

There’s only one thing Jack can give them that will convince them to release Audrey. What could it be?

“An FB sub-circuit board,” Jack says.

Exactly.

But, it is pointed out, if the Chinese get that, it could trigger World War III.”

“Let’s leave that to the diplomats,” says Cheng, the evil Chinese negotiator.

Oh, OK.

Meanwhile, back at the White House, oh my God, president Wayne Palmer has fallen back into a coma! No, wait, he’s just asleep in his chair. Chief of Staff Tom Lennox comes in and reveals that he has a tape of Vice President Noah Daniels plotting to commit perjury.

And frankly, if I were Tom, I’d quit popping off about this. Or at the very least I’d make a copy of the tape and stow it somewhere safe. Because I’m not completely sure we can trust the VP. But Tom goes blithely on.

President Wayne, looking more like President Michael Jordan than ever, called Daniels in and requests his resignation. Daniels does indignant, Palmer does stern, Daniels does whiny and Palmer does even sterner.

In the end Palmer points out that Daniels is a subversive, back-stabbing, undermining, divisive influence who almost dropped a nuclear bomb on an unnamed middle eastern country for no good reason. But there’s no rush about his resignation — “Sometime this week will be fine.”

‘Cause there’s still some plotting and back-stabbing to finish up.

Over at CTU, Chloe is once again serving as Jack’s enabler. No one wants Jack to turn over the circuit board, so Chloe, naturally, arranges for it to happen anyhow. Some other stuff happens, but we were too distracted by the fact that we hate Chloe’s new hair color this year. If Edgar were alive he’d have never let that happen.

Back at the luggage department, Jack bullies the guards to get the circuit board out of the suitcase nukes, then is taken out by Doyle, who was always suspicious. So Jack plays the I’m-telling-my-buddy-the-president card and gets permission to take the circuit board to the Chinese.

Jack makes at least three attempts to explain his plan — he’s getting Audrey, but the Chinese won’t get the board — but it sounds pretty half-baked to me. But President Wayne buys it.

In another room, VP Daniels is a beaten man. That didn’t take much. A little tape recording and he folds up like a cheap lawn chair. He writes out a letter of resignation and mopes around about how he’s going to submit it any minute.

Which leads to the President Wayne press conference and let’s just see a show of hands — how many thought President Wayne was going to collapse at the podium? Yep, that’s nearly everyone.

So he does. However, as predictable as it was, it was worth it for his authentic Homer Simpson, “Doh!” when the cerebral hemorrhage hits. Down goes Frazier. (Obscure boxing reference> Probably too obscure, but hey, we don’t have editors in blogs.)

VP Daniels quietly slips his letter of resignation back into his pocket and it is game on, Jack Bauer. Daniels experiences a remarkable recovery of his self-esteem and starts issuing orders.

One of his first is that “Jack Bauer has to return to CTU as soon as possible.”

Ha. Hasn’t VP Daniels ever watched the show? A couple of things we know. CTU director Bill Buchanan never takes off his suit coat, and Jack never comes back to CTU when ordered. Doyle tries to bring Jack in, but what are we, kidding ourselves? Jack gets the drop on him and heads toward Audrey with the circuit board.

Meanwhile, the only person who knows that Tom Lennox has the tape of Daniels is President Wayne and he’s in a coma. But I wouldn’t worry about that if I were Tom. What could possibly go wrong?