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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

So, for a solid 7 months, this one post had a coding error that I just couldn't figure out. As a result, it cut off everything after the first sound file, which was roughly the bottom 2/3. As is often the case, that's the region that houses the most interesting bits.

In writing #11, I used a few references to the long-doomed #7, and in doing so, figured out how to fix it.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Say everybody, have you seen my balls, they’re big and salty and beige?

I wrap mine in bacon.

Sometimes this blog makes me feel a bit like the man standing in a pickle suit next to a sandwich shop and a gay bar.

At the risk of destroying my credibility by using an actual definition,

Gimcrack (n): a gewgaw

Unfortunately for most orthodox flamboyants, Gewgaw on gimcrack is still illegal.

But seriously, the second definition is

Gimcrack (adj): tasteless

Aram’s laundry day Twitter: I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.

I realize that, because of this blog, Aram no longer needs to tweet.

And neither do any of you. Twitter is like Sarah Palin. If you stop paying attention, it will go away.

April fool!

It’s not really April.

Ha!

I’m disappointed in Good Friday as a writer. Is “good” the best you could come up with? “Good” doesn’t mean best, or really all that great. This essentially leaves us with “Meh Friday.” I’m not sensing a lot of enthusiasm for the impending rescue of humanity via bloody execution. Like the Buddy Christ, I think the Vatican should consider an update of terms. Something like “Gargantuan Friday,” “Woooooot! Friday!” (punctuation helps, too) or “Yeah, Motherfuckin Friday, Motherfuckers.” That is the kind of enthusiasm over the impending weekend that I could get behind. And it is catchy enough that someone might end up making a movie about it.

So, what did you do for 4/20?

I worked. It was a Wednesday.

It’s been a busy week. I had my morning coffee at 9.

The other one.

But when I do have free time, I like to volunteer and teach children useful life skills, like how to write an effective business letter.

Dear Bitches,

Give me the money.

Kisses,

Bono

There are maybe 4 different kinds of car alarms in the world, so it’s tough to determine whether or not you should care. So,

Free million dollar idea: Car alarm ringtones.

It won’t take two seconds of head bobbing before “Oh, shit!” and breaking out into a dead run.

In theory, of course.

“Dude, that’s yours.”

“Yeah.”

“Aren’t you gonna get it?”

“Nah. This is my jam.”

I love it when people buy sports jerseys. In another year or two, they’re going to look even more like douchebags.

Except for him. He gets a pass.

If a college bar has 80s night, do the patrons dress as sperm?

Amazeballs (n): Rapid Onset Beer Nuts (ROBN)

ROBN Hood (n): Occurs in non-Jewish patients

ROBN Williams (n): Sasquatch

Tweet of the month: “Getting new hair next Friday. Yay.”

O_o

Back in the days of burlesque, when male actors wanted to portray women, they would wear pubic hair wigs called merkins.

A merkin sounds like a furry woodland creature. Well, it is. Lives in the bush. Eats nuts.

Because of its appearance, it is often called a “map of Tasmania.”

Or Chile or South America, depending upon how you're equipped.

I think it's a good thing. They can provide some much-needed assistance to those less fortunate. I for one plan on growing it out and donating to Locks of Lovin.

I like going on Facebook and befriending old people who never use Facebook. That way, when the hackers come, I get to see this on a regular basis.

For our parents, “hashtag” was how you kept your crops in order.

And #tigerblood was probably a Vietnamese blend.

Too soon? Any veterans in the house? Mah-bad.

Throughout the speculation regarding who will now star in Two and a Half Men, one obvious choice has been overlooked.

Then ABC was like, “Emilioooooo!”

It makes perfect sense.

Lynx blood

Parties with phone sex operators

Was on an epic jog that made Clinton look like Taft

Only bangs 6 gram rocks

Doesn’t really bang them. Makes sweet love to them in a morally supportive manner so that they are content with their feelings of self-worth and if only just for a moment no longer resentful of their fathers for being cold and distant to their mothers ever since they were born, ruining that perfectly freaky arrangement of Thursday night leather, bicycle pumps and thin apartment walls

D3 = Poetry.

I like libraries, like more than a friend.

Excuse me, miss? Where in the Dewey Decimal System do I find “Skeet?”

My hard drive froze in the computer I use to edit sound.

So, just press play.

Actually, one of the most effective uses for medical pot is for the treatment of epilepsy. So if you think you might be at risk, ask your doctor to see if a fatty of chronic is right for you.

I just heard someone described as “a younger Justin Beiber.” Seeing how this is obviously the next big thing, I’ll save everyone time and create the slang now:

Sperm.

GZ One is:

a) The latest incarnation of a former Wu-Tang clansman
b) Bill Clinton’s post-presidential private jet
c) Something that stays in your pocket until you’re ready to reach out and touch someone

That’s an official promotional photo. I can’t make that shit up.

For your convenience, Casio has made this device:

[x] Waterproof
[x] Shockproof
[x] Dustproof

This will fit your needs, no matter how much you’re used to getting.

I’m keeping mine on vibrate.

Latest Facebook annoyance: People who check in at “my bed.” Unless your bed is a place of business, leave that shit off the internet. It’s the equivalent of a gay man (or a lucky straight man) checking in at “my sweetie’s butthole.”

Freudian fingerslip: Don’t want to meet your comma.

Life gave me melons.

I dated a dancer, and she was a fucking idiot. Actually, she was a fucking genius, but an idiot at everything else, so it didn't last long.

Basically, I want a gymnast who can spell.

I also saw this stoner who would get high and then not want to fool around. I kept telling her, "First take care of head," but she wouldn't listen.

If you don't get the reference, I'll wait. You're already online; you could just Excite it or Yahoo it or Alta Vista it, which is the kinkiest of them all.

Kinkier than Google is the kind of thing I'd like on my tombstone.

And yes, I'm aware of the irony of writing this on a blog site made by Google using a phone made by Google that I bought from a man made by Google.

Yes, they've branched out into cloning. It's their new division, Doppelgoogle.

Actually, that's a lie. I have a Brickberry.

To all Apple users: My laptop has two right click buttons and a right click function button on the keyboard. #suckit

Freudian fingerslip: When responding to someone named Narda, you know.

They’re right next to each other. Sue me.

Best. Dialogue. Ever:

“Where’s Macak?”

I love speaking and writing in other languages, but I know English is where I belong, simply because they saw it fit to make “meatball” one word.

Do you ever get really excited when you're going to see someone and you start rehearsing things to say and you come up with one that's really good, sure to get a response and then when you get there you start to say it and they interrupt you with something completely off topic and it makes you hate that person? That's why I don't talk to people.

Things I can do without: old people who smell like cigarettes

Thingies I can do without: fake ones

How buoyant are fake boobs? Is it like if she floats she's a witch?

I like a woman who takes care of herself but still has three dimensions. Hips are sexy as hell, but tempting scholiosis with your walk isn't. Who decided that was hot? That doesn't tell me that you can move sideways in bed. It tells me that even when you walk you're trying too hard and you’re obviously insecure. If you go to great lengths to draw attention to certain body parts and away from others, it's clear that you don't love your entire self. And then, when I try to, you'll get all weird and defensive and don’t let me. I don't need that kind of crazy.

Also, I fly a lot, and if you try to walk like that on an airplane, you could end up taking out the entire population of aisle seat passengers one by one.

Still, I like it when a woman walks like that, wears makeup, bleaches her hair and wears designer clothes. It weeds out the people I don't ever need to talk to.

Well, there's one less fish.

I generally don't have celebrity crushes, but Charlotte Kemp Muhl is fucking gorgeous.

I just need to make sure my mother would be proud if she ever found out I wrote this.

Shakespeare is credited with inventing upwards of 1,500 words. I aspire to have that kind of long-lasting impact on society (+3 old fuck points), so I like to take two completely unrelated words and combine them to make a new term that nobody will ever use.

Massochist (n):

Could you use it in a sentence?

Sure.

She likes to get spanked.

Chandruff (n): When Jackie Chan runs out of shampoo

Chindruff (n): When Osama Bin Laden runs out of shampoo

Fuck. We’re going to have to find someone new for the beard jokes.

Maodruff (n): When your cat runs out of shampoo

Vitalitarrhea (n): a popular activity among massochists

Shakespeare is also credited with inventing the knock knock joke. I would like to be remembered as the inventor of the ding dong joke.

A blond walks into a bar.

But only after she rang the doorbell and was invited in. I know it's a place of business, but blondes have manners, too.

In fact, she was so polite, the bartender let her ring the last call bell with her dildo.

I overheard an old couple complaining about kids with baggy pants, because apparently they still exist. As a twentysomething old fuck, I can't wait until the emo youngs stop showing off their bulges.

The airport has a device called a Bag Sizer, which is essentially the female version of The Penis Mightier.

Flying American Airlines is a step up from my usual Southwest. Their flight attendant call buttons actually make that noise. I'm used to them having to bring Jay and Silent Bob over to my seat.

I don't freak out about flying. The safety measures they take are incredible. They brought this dog into the airport, and he went right past the unbaithed bearded guy and went right to the garbage can outside of the barbecue joint.

Free million dollar idea: a Facebook app that blocks when people update their statuses with bible verses.

I mean, jesus fuck already.

The past tense of dick is duck. He gave hot dickings. He hot duck.

I know someone who is responsible for making a duck stamp. I just have one question: noun or verb?

It's a group effort.

And a public contest.

So, I was on this girl's couch at her place in the woods with ten cats, and one of them came up and wanted to get comfortable. I was ok with that. I have nothing against cats, other than them being little motherfuckers. But the cat started getting more than what is normally deemed friendly for a cat. She (or maybe he. That shouldn't make this any weirder) crawled up to my armpit, dug in and started licking my right boob. Not like a curious lick or a "you spilled something there" lick. This cat started mining for buried whatever using that nice little oral pickaxe they all have. I didn't know what to do, so I watched, feeling slightly violated and hoping she would stop. But she didn't let up. I wanted to tell her, "Hello. That's mine. And as long as I've had it, nothing has come out of it." Besides the cat being a total skeezbag, rubbing herself wherever she could on me, she appeared to be trying to get milk from the teat of a completely different species. I mean, how fucked up is that?

And did I just inadvertently participate in some form of bestiality? Am I going to hell now?

Current latest thing that blew my mind: A friend of mine brought her pug to a chiropractor for treatment.

Free shirt idea: I Meh NJ

When a hipster grows up, does he/she get a fixie car?

So, it’s National Poetry Month.

Shut up. Act like it’s April.

So, it’s National Poetry Month.

Here I sit
All broken hearted
Why are you laughing
That shit really hurts
Dickhole

Poets are sensitive.

I just discovered that they’re considering making a Crank 3. Finally. A film that answers all of the unanswered questions of Crank 2: High Voltage.

But considering that this would now be considered a series, we can all expect several additional films, or perhaps a series of prequels released on the momentous 22nd anniversary of the original.

I make it my goal to by then secure that job in Hollywood where one sits in a dank basement and emerges with titles.

Crank 3: The Crankening

Crank 4: Release the Cranken

Crank 5: Enter the Cranken

Crank 6: Rocky 3

Or perhaps it will follow the Indiana Jones model and wait just long enough for nobody to care about an unnecessary sequel.

Crank 4: The One in which We Find Out that Jason Statham is not Vin Diesel

But considering that times are tough, I may end up having to forgo Hollywood for the San Fernando Valley.

Crankshaft

Enter the Cranken

Rocky 5

I’m getting in shape. I have a four pack. I’m not going to say how many of those are ribs.

The following story is now illegal in China, because it transports you back to before April 18th.

Though it’s been a while since I have filed and paid for the service, Turbotax keeps sending me notices, saying “It’s not too late to file.” This from the gatekeeper between my ass and the government.