Thursday, April 10, 2008

Thank God for Colombia

With growing horror, we’re seeing most of South America move to the left. Venezuela, Bolivia and Ecuador are the most blatant examples. But even such former rightwing stalwarts as Argentina and Chile are slowly moving away from America’s ideals.

One would think that with all we've done for South America, they'd be more grateful to us. For decades we've hand-picked most of their leaders and pretty much made all of their decisions for them. These countries needed us to nurture them through their infancy and adolescence. Now apparently they don’t need us any more…

But like an oasis in the desert, one country stands head and shoulders above the rest, exemplifying everything America stands for: Colombia.

Most of the continent is being seduced by dangerous ideas that are abhorrent to red-blooded Americans: coddling labor unions, and redistributing the aristocracy’s hard-earned wealth to those lowly peasants.

But not Colombia. Nosireebob! The Colombian government, knowing that labor unions have ruined the economy of civilized nations, has put its foot down. And hard. Liberals will probably whimper and wring their hands, but this problem needs to be nipped in the bud.

Colombia will NOT tolerate labor unions. Even joining a union, or telling somebody you're in favor of them, is a life-risking move. [beams with pride] Ah, a country after our own hearts. If only the American government had been this firm ninety years ago when our own laborers started pulling their little shenanigans…

If there's ever a conflict between Colombia and those commies in Venezuela, America will need to get involved and help out any way we can. At last, we have a friend, and we will do whatever it takes to help our friend.

There's just one little problem that remains, but I’m sure we can work this out: those damn coca leaves. They're ubiquitous throughout the entire country. How many times do we need to explain it to these people? Millions of wealthy Americans are addicted to a byproduct of their coca leaves; and Colombia needs to fix this problem by getting rid of all those coca plants. Come on, what's the holdup?

I know, I know, something about coca leaves being the livelihood of millions of dirt-poor farmers, and chewing coca leaves being a social ritual that goes back thousands of years… [yawn]…WhatEVer! Anyway, as soon as this little problem gets ironed out, America and Colombia will be best friends. It'll be us against the world.

The US, especially the CIA, needs Colombia to keep growing them coca plants. Then they can smuggle those leaves into the US where they can flood our inner cities with the by-product of those leaves while making a tidy profit to fund clandestine operations they don't want congress to find out about. There's nothing more American than that!

Snave: What, "let South American nations find their own forms of government, and then why don't we work with them within those contexts"?? Of course we'd be less hated, but that would just be so, well, so "un-American."

Lew: Sounds like you've got 'em dialed. In addition to everything you mentioned, don't forget the prison-industrial complex. That crucial industry wouldn't have gotten to where it is today without millions of nonviolent drug offenders.

Amidst all this blasphemous commentary against free markets and freedom and liberty and fuzzy little rightwing murder squads, I just think about how I'll sleep better knowing that at least SOMEONE in this hemisphere is ever vigilant against the unholy terror that is the union.

Randal: Damn right. Almost every other country is going down that godless path of redistributing wealth and coddling laborers. Thank God we have Colombia. This could be a long and beautiful friendship.

Candace: Yup, that's all they have to do. But then those damn peasants will scream about their livelihoods being taken from them and being deprived of their timeless social rituals. A country full of whiners, but at least their government is on our side.