I’m on a hunt. There must be a rational way to deal with a horse that you love on every level and with all your heart. But that horse is a spook.

First, I’m going to lay out my rationalizations. I’m a baby booming adult amateur who didn’t starting training until my mid forties. I’ve had too many falls to remember. My first fall nearly ended the whole horse thing. I was hurting for months after and the only reason I stayed with the sport was that I already owned the horse. After some real work getting back into the swing of it, I soldiered on. But my lousy seat betrayed me several times over the years and I ate more than my share of dirt. Ten horses later, I can’t say that I’ve totally recovered from the last few. 66 years old makes for some pretty hard ground and lack of bounce.

Enter Casanova. On the surface, the ideal horse. Only 16’2 with a compact build, sweet as can be on the ground, easy to sit, lovely gaits, loves to please. He seemed exactly what I needed after all the big horses I had been pushing around the arena the last twenty years. My trainer, Jen and I tried him about a half dozen times or so. My legs draped easily. He was responsive and soft. So easy off the leg. He was schooling a very green Prix St. Georges. Everything said go. He was glad to see me each time we tried him. Check out the photos above. It just doesn’t get better.

So home he came in November 2016. He immediately carved his own corner in my heart. To this day, that corner just grows larger.

But, he’s a very spooky horse. He is a true Chicken Little. His spooks are not big. Jen can bring him back in an instant. But with each spook I witness, my courage falters. Riding on the buckle at the walk is an exercise in adrenaline control.

I’ve set up my darling horse. Now me.

My last fall in 2012 was quick and dirty and on my relatively new mare Delhia (Lhia). In retrospect, I think it has colored my riding ever since. Fortunately, I had Callista who I never was afraid to get on. But once Lhia dumped me, I found myself discouraged. I worked hard on my seat, as I rightfully concluded it wasn’t good enough to help me in an emergency.

I pushed myself to get back to a good place with Lhia. We were making progress. But she went lame in the late spring of 2016. I’ve only just got back on her at a walk ( we are rehabbing her from a subsequent surgery) and she’s still fairly gimpy. On the days she’s really fresh, I don’t get on. That’s what brave, confident, YOUNG trainers are for.

With Waterford a two year old, Callista being retired, Lhia laid up, the purchase of Novi was everything! And we started well. I was letting Jen start him and I was finishing him, always working on my seat. Then the spooking showed up.

We checked his eyes, kept an eye on saddle fit, asked for the work kindly. We were and are very fair. We offered as much turnout as our boarding facility could allow. When we came home to Bella Blu, we offered even more. We vary the program, offer walks on the bridle path, we are committed to a regular show and clinic calendar to vary his environment. But he remains a spooky creature.

When he is good, he is perfect for me.

His spooks are largely visual when he is going left. It’s his right side when it’s on the outside that presents the problem. Yes, we had the eye specialist out to rule out any vision problem. But lines of any kind, footing variation, sun and shadow lines are all issues for him in this direction. As I said, most of his spooking is easily ridden through. He never loses his head over it. He just is a horse that thinks the sky is falling on a regular basis.

Anyone reading this would say, “Just sell him and get something else.” That’s not why I’m writing this entry. This is my Challenge. I want to trust ME to learn to ride this otherwise wonderful animal.

So that brings me to today. I’ve only been back to riding less than a month. This last year, I’ve been plagued with Lyme, shingles, my mom’s death, my torn up Achilles and ankle. I finally was out of my cast about four weeks ago. I’m soft and more chubby than usual, due to a year of zero activity. But I really wanted to get back into things ASAP.

So it’s been mostly walk-trot this month. I started well, I think. I stay off of Novi on the days he is very “up” and when he is particularly spooky. But I have days when I let my environment get to me even when he is not spooky. Today it was windy. Novi had been particularly good with Jen in the schooling. Because she is showing him this weekend (Four One), I was just getting on to cool him out. We’ve been incorporating a lot of walking on the buckle to make up for the casual kind of fun riding I didn’t get as a kid ( it’s a huge thing to be an adult rider without that careless childhood horse history). But I let the head games begin. And I dismounted unnecessarily early because I caved.

And it’s me. It’s not Novi. And I truly believe selling him and getting a different horse is not what is needed. I truly believe this is about me believing in me. When I can get over this hurdle, I do think Novi and I will do well together.

A Super Large sigh is echoing across the void.

We have a plan. One is taking advantage of Waterford’s training to help me. Just now, I get on about once a week for a lead line ride, using my seat and leg aids only. Jen proposes we put her up on him and begin teaching him how to longe with a rider up. When I graduate to trot on him, it will be on the end of a longe line. Waterford is a supremely confident youngster. As he matures, he will be a great help to me, I know. And hopefully, we can eventually have Novi do the same.

Now I need to work on sport psychology. I’ve a good library with all the classics. Time to read. Time to practice mental strategies. Time to believe in me.

It’s been eons since I have blogged. But life is rich and full just now and it seems right to catch up here and enlarge on the adventures life has offered the last few years. Yes, I’ve been very active on the Facebook front. But nothing beats blogging for getting into detail.

Where to start? In 2016, we sold our Wellington property and bought another with an existing four stall barn. The house was pretty, the location ideal and we moved in the end of July. Since moving we’ve painted, put in an arena, renovated the barn, added six paddocks . In short, I have this tiny jewel of a farm now. The horses arrived December 18, 2017. And except for a chronic injury keeping me grounded, it’s been heaven here.

The November before, I acquired my sweet Casanova ( Novi). This last two years, we’ve been shoring up his basics and building his trust and confidence. He’s showing Third Two this weekend at the Palm Beach Derby. So proud of how he is developing!

The great joy of 2016 was bringing Waterford home. First to Stillpoint of course, but now here at Bella Blu. And I’m on him in a very rudimentary way. This is Rafi’s Son, for those of you that used to read this blog!

I rode my lovely Waterford for only the second time today. I felt like an eleve at the Spanish Riding School. No touching the mouth! Just sitting lightly, reins at the buckle, and following the walk with my seat. He will be five on May 1. Seems unbelievable! He’s so tall. Over 17.1 now, I think. But the saddle area is so comfy. My legs drape his sides in such a nice way. Very reminiscent of Rafi. Possibly more ideal. He’s a total Roll Royce!

Delhia ( Lhia) is coming back slowly but surely. I was on her for the first time in nearly two years last week. Tomorrow, I’m hoping for my next ride.

So, I am back! I will try to post more often about our Farm doings. Nearly time for night check now!

Had to share this. Linda did a brilliant recap of what we learned last Saturday and Sunday at Ashby Farm. I will study all her notes and the videos. I will attend any of his clinics that cone my way. This is the only “cowboy” trainer to make an impression on me. My horses can only benefit !!!

Hard to believe our Devon experience was over Tuesday morning!!! Seems like everyone I know arrived yesterday and are warming up today. Someday, Waterford I will do the Performance Division. It’s a worthy goal! But doing one class in the Breed Division was a joy! And there will be more photos, I promise. These are just from our phones.

After dropping the Shelties to be boarded early Monday, I hit the road for an event I have been looking forward to ever since breeding Rafi. Waterford was having a major field trip. We were going to Devon. The drive went quickly enough with an audiobook to make light of the miles (Voyager ~ Diana Gabaldon…..a beloved series for me! Yes I’m addicted to the Starz production as well!). Usually, I’m rushing not to be late. This time, I beat the trailer from Blue Waters Farm by two hours! Yeah, I was excited. We were stabled with the Hilltop Farm group, so I easily found our stabling and took to wandering.

I love Devon. I love the town, the architecture in the area, the show grounds, even if the stalls are a little small, the ambience! And I don’t care if it pours! Because that’s part of the atmosphere as well. Luckily, although a bit gray, there was no rain Monday. And Tuesday was so glorious that you overheard everyone commenting on the weather, knocking on wood that it would hold. (By the way, it’s pouring today! I’m missing out…)

Soon the trailer pulled in and we unloaded. Linda surprised me by disenfecting all the stalls after we hunted for and pulled protruding nails and the like. I have forgotten what the biodegradable concentrate was called, but it is sprayed on with the hose to dilute, dries very quickly, totally harmless on wood or tent walls and completely safe for all uses. Smells like ammonia and shoud you get it in the buckets as I did, it foams up like bath bubbles. Just rinse!!! It’s something that I plan to add to my future show checklist and routine.

Martina and Linda then unloaded Doxology and Waterford. I was so proud of these babies. Except for Inspections, they’ve never gone anywhere, do not live in confined stalls, plus they were separated from their respective herds. Neither baby had spent time with the other before the trailer ride. They unloaded and went right into their respective stalls. Yes, Waterford called a lot. But no more than my mares do when they arrive at a show. And soon they were settled, walked around the arenas…Doxy in the Gold, Waterford in the Dixon.

We met up with Brendan Curtis, who would be handling the babies in the ring. Waterford’s Dixon Oval warmup went like a charm. And it was super busy. I was so proud of how he handled the buzz. After he walked out and back to the stable like veteran.

Linda and Martina had to go back to the farm and their families that night. So I did night check. And you learn so much about your youngster from the little things. I regret to say that Waterford has inherited a few of Rafi’s less wonderful attributes. He’s a slob. Just like mom. He braids his hay with urine and manure into rugs and mats, just like she does. And don’t get me started on his chrome! Just like Rafi, his hind socks are going to be the bane of my existance. Some day I WILL own a black stockinged bay! White on the face is fine….just spare me the chrome on the legs! On the great side, for a horse that is never stabled, he was remarkably well behaved about the manure bucket and my raking up the ruins of his stall! Bodes well for the future. He’s social and happy to visit all the humans that pass. Oh God! I’m so in love!!!

Tuesday dawns. The big day has come. I only entered him in one class. For the most part, that was to accomodate Linda’s busy schedule. And I did want this to be all about going to a show and having a happy experience. He’s not stallion, so I have nothing to prove on that front. He’s not for sale, so I don’t need a ribbon hunt. He’s for me. And I have promised myself to guide him carefully and responsibly. As it turns out, this was indeed the wisest choice. He had a great class.

He was very good being braided, the grooming was a thorough on without overfussing. Again, making his experience cheerful and safe feeling. 8:30 arrived quickly and we were number 7 on the roster, so by 8:45 wewere in the warmup.

Brendan traded off his previous baby and picked up Waterford. Martina, Linda and I hurried to the ring. Watching him entering the Dixon, was my moment. Tears filled my eyes. Even as I write, I’m still welling up a bit and feeling the shiver of goosebumps. This is MY colt. MY future. My connection to my past with Raphaela. I held the cup and tube for the vet during the embryo transfer, which means he passed between my hands as a morsel of promise. And now, here he was: a big, lovely moving, sweet tempered yearling! And now the performance journey will begin.

Janet Foy was the judge. That made me happy. I think she is a particularly fine breed show judge. I find her tough and fair. Waterford Blu placed Fifth in Class 104 with a 75.3%. More photos to follow!!!

I think I bred my dream horse!!! Yeah, really! En route to Florida, three dogs in tow, I stopped at Blue Waters Farm to visit Charly, Rafi and my gorgeous baby, Waterford Blu. It was a quick visit and I plan to stop when I return to NY later this week. All three look awesome.

Waterford stepped right up inquisitively checking me out. He has such a gentle way about him, yet perfectly at home with himself. I have such high hopes for him.

Cannot wait to see him again and start getting him accustomed to me. Now that the house is feeling more organized in NY, I’m hoping to get down to see him once a week. first I will hang with him, but then I will bring brush and curry, maybe a small towel to drape over his back, some gentle noise makesers, umbrellas…Just slowly conditioning him to the larger world!

In other news, I have had a weird week in Florida at Bella Blu. Lightening struck the house, took out the generator, the pool equipment , the irrigation, the phone, some of the cable…..I left NY looking for a break from trades people!It idin’t happen. To add insult to injury, I caught a bad cold. The temperature and humiduty here are awful. There no ther way to state it. And it storms everyday.

So, I’ve been here a week…and I never even got to ride until today. Only Lhia. Callista heard I was coming, so she lost a she. Tomorrow, I will get on her.

So changes may be coming! We’ve owned our Wellington property for 4 years now. We have been planning the barn ring since Day One. But things have been keeping us from actually building. We are now considering selling and buying a place that is done. I had the real estatae here today, pricing our house and acreage. And I went to visit a small place about a mile from here. It had some nice qualities: Good use of the property, only a year old. Eight horse barn, 5 paddocks, good ring. Down side: strangely laid house which felt like a boarding house or even a college dorm. Stalls were only 12 x 12 and with concrete divides. So no breaking them down easily. Tiniest of tack rooms, no place to store hay….just not quite right.

I think we will do this, if the numbers are good for this house. They tell us that it’s good time to list as the market is busy and inventory is low. OTOH,I’m looking through the available stuff and I’m not in love with what is out there so far. Stay tuned.

I’ve been on quite a journey the last couple years! I certainly fell far from the habit of blogging. I’m gently encouraging myself back here for all my ruminations. I confess to having been seduced by social media, particularly Face Book. Which is fine. But it’s time to be more reflective and contemplative again. Journaling here has always been good for this. You do get an audience and some feedback. But it’s definitely more supportive and thought provoked than dashing a reply on Facebook.

My horse life is transforming. We have changed our New York residence yet again. I am super happy to find myself back in upper Westchester. Feels like home to me. We have settled beautifully this summer into our new home. We are keeping the Florida place and still hope that my pasture full of grazing polo ponies will become my dream dressage facility. But it still has to wait. But I’m happy. The dream is alive. I’ve got a great boarding situation in Wellington at Tuny Page’s Stillpoint Farm. Assistant trainer Jen Griger has now moved up to being my full time trainer, as Cathy Morelli has given up the boarding end of her business. She’s doing great, BTW. She and BeSe are now based in Georgia and they still competing at Grand Prix!!!

I spent the last two years getting the Adult Amateur Dressage Initative going. We had some good results. I have stepped down from the Board, however. After my husband’s lymphoma diagnosis and cure, my involvement got a bit scattered. Unfortunately, I felt my efforts this last six months were neither inspiring or impacting anyone. So it was time for new blood and new ideas. It’s my baby and I hate seeing it sail on without me. But I have some other adult amateur projects to involve myself in. And I will always have opinions and I will always be a questioning nudge when I see the USDF or USEF riding roughshod over the AA’s.

The beauty of stepping down from the AADI? I can now voice my own views and not the consensus. I love the Priorities that AADI was focused on (although who knows if they will stay the same now?), but I didn’t personally agree or necessarily care about some of them. Separate pinning is desirable. But I don’t personally care if I am in a class with everyone. But when you are the president, you have to back what the group wants. Now I can express myself for myself. So that part is great.

I have learned that it is lonely at the top. You are damned if you do something and damned if you don’t. That was the pressure that got to me the most, I think. If I waited for others to start a project or take on a subject, it seemed like no one did. But if I took the initiative on a subject, I was being an autocrat or worse. I just got tired of it. I hate conflict. And it seemed lately, that everything I would say or undertake, I got more criticism than agreement. So, I bowed out. I’m glad I started it and led it. But now I am relieved to be done…

Back to my horses! Two years ago, after a long fight to keep her sound, I finally retired Raphaela. I promptly bred her to the young and fabulous Wamberto and via embryo transplant, got myself the most awesome foal. Waterford Blu is very like mom (hooray) and is now coming on 15 months of age. It’s a love affair. He is a gentle, handsome, excellent moving bay that I think I will enjoy forever.

Callista and Delhia (Lhia) are doing great. I’m off to Florida the end of the week to have some time with them. I feel like I haven’t ridden in ages! Who am I kidding? I haven’t!!! I cannot believe that Callista turned 12 this year! Boggles my mind. More soon. Good to be here again!

Wow!!! It’s been forever since I’ve posted here! I have a new horse, Callista has debuted at Prix St. Georges, I’m still battling the weight but exercising!!! 18 lbs. down since November…still a way to go!!!

Thought you would enjoy photos of Delhia! She’s a chestnut, 2003, just about 17 hand Oldenburg mare by Domiro {Donnerhall} out of a Wolkenstein II {Weltmeyer} mare. She’s already bucked me off! Mercifully, I am largely unhurt, although my confidence is certainly on the rocks. it was also lucky that the toss occurred AFTER I showed her for the first time…

I’m living a crazy life just now. I’m not complaining as generally I have it quite good!!!! But we are currently homeless in the Big Apple. This means I’m four hours away from my horses at all times. I’m getting antsy….and FAT!!! Why is it that when I’m not riding, AND even if I am getting my exercise in, all I really seem to do is consume food?

Is this a common disease amongst the horsey set?

Anyway….back to the apartment quest. NYC, and Manhattan in particular, make a condo purchase an absurd jump through hoops! While not a co-op, a condo in Manhattan still requires a submission of financial and personal statements to the Board of the said building one is purchasing in. And the Board has 30 days to respond. This holds up closing a deal needlessly as the aforementioned Board and Building have to BUY the condo if they turn the applicant down at the negotiated sale price! I mean, come ON!!! How many times does that happen???

Meanwhile, the seller can’t move on and the buyer can’t move in! And in this case, the buyer CAN’T RIDE!!! So I’m pissed.

So the Board has thirty days to decide on us. My poor hubby is sleeping on his brother’s couch in Nassau County in order to shorten his commute to work. I’m out east in the main house. Believe me, I love it here….but the situation is rather silly and likely to last through the summer.

I know any sane person reading this doesn’t get it. Why don’t I just bring Callista here for the summer? Truth be told, I’m not ready to have her on my own. Rafi is different {but alas, still unsound} being a generous,forgiving mare….but Callista has a lot of temperament and I feel we all do better under my trainer Cathy’s guidance.

So my plan for the next three to five weeks? Every Wednesday I plan to do the eight-hour round trip.

What can I do?I miss my girls, I miss Cathy and Jen….and I really miss riding…

I can’t say that I wasn’t prepared for not grand news with Rafi’s MRI. We got the info we needed to go forward. She’s showing deterioration of the collateral ligaments at the pastern in both front feet, a chronic loss of bone density, some cysts and related lesions in the coffin bones. And, of course, we knew about the arthritic changes to the right pastern from last month’s x-rays.

Treatment: a session of Tildren {or is it Tilgren?} to reverse bone loss…. ten days IV. We took some blood to make an injection for the general ankle area to be both corrective and anti inflammatory. Forget what it’s called, but I will give a better description when I have the vet’s written explanation of all the findings and the treatments we will use. Full bar shoes in front.

When the Tildren cycle is finished, we’ll inject the site for comfort, cushioning and hopefully, correction and see how she trots out. Fortunately she’s so well-behaved, I will be allowed to give her turnout. The conventional wisdom used to be: 6 months stall rest. We’re going with the turnout. At her age, 6 months stall rest will cause more problems than I already have. I’d retire her first!

So it looks like 60 to 90 days with the outside possibility of walking her under tack if she trots out well in a couple of weeks. Long term??? I think my going FEI with her is not going to happen. I expect I may get back a horse that will still give me useful time in the saddle with the possibility of showing up to Third or Fourth Level. But her condition is considered chronic and will deteriorate as she ages….

It’s rather unbelievable but my horses arrived in Florida yesterday. I leave this Saturday. It’s been another odd summer with a pretty decent beginning, piddling out to nearly no riding by September. The WEG came and went without me. Cathy headed to Florida straight from Lexington and we sent BeSe and Callista down to her immediately.

So, the last time I rode was before WEG! Wow…and not good.

Does anyone, besides me, find their fitness and diet motivation directly tied to their riding??? My workouts drifted away, the carbs and fats ascended, and I now feel like a puddle of lukewarm jello. But I have taken action on my own behalf. I contacted a gym less than 5 minutes from the new house {hereafter, called the farm…even if the barn isn’t up yet!}. Am e-mailing the guy whom I hope will be my fitness guru this winter. We’re driving down Saturday and Sunday. My plan is to be in that gym Monday afternoon.

Have gotten lazy about blogging. I guess mostly because I consider this a dressage blog and if I ain’t dressagin’, I ain’t got nuthin’ to blog about! But I read the blogs I’m subscribed to and therefore, have a tenuous connection to you all. I’m hoping that with a better defined schedule in Florida, I’ll have more to share again…