I've got a dilemma, I've just had a phone call from my friend. We have a mutual friend who did LL, lost 10st but put at least 13st back on. Apparently she was meant to come to dinner today (it was the friend who phoned 30th) but she has the habit of not showing up for things and yet again she didn't turn up. My friend rang because she's very worried about her and we can both see she's spiralling out of control with her weight, and neither of us know how to help.

She's very fragile and I can understand why she doesn't want to go out with our group, because some of the group haven't seen her since she was 13st so they'd be shocked to see her now. What I can't understand is why she refuses to meet up with 2 of the girls because they work together and their daughters were all born within weeks of each other. The 2 get together every 2 weeks and always try to include her but she doesn't turn up. Sometimes she makes excuses sometimes not. They've even tried to go to her house only to find her in her pjs or at her mums.

She's had a little breakdown on me one day, where she admitted that her maternity uniforms didn't come close to fitting and they had to order her size 38 uniforms. I took that chance to give her my CDCs number and my old CDCs just in case she didn't want to go to the same CDC as me. But that was back in November and since then she's carried on gaining.

My friend rang because she's getting very worried about this girls health and the welfare of her 1 year old. She's known her for ten years and is genuinely worried about her. We hate seeing her this way and have no idea how to approach it with her. Does anyone have any ideas? We want to help but not preach.

______________________________Comfort eating is "comfortable" before the guilt sets in and your clothes start to shrink! - A Wise and Wonderful Friend!!

Every day is a renewable contract, every day you get up and start again!!!

She sounds like she is very depressed and is isolating herself as a result. Unfortunately this only feeds the spiral of depression as you then feel more disconnected from people, more alone, eat more... and feel more hopeless and negative.

I used to do this canceling all the time... it was easier to accept invitations at the time and then come up with an excuse closer to the date than have the person try to reason with me if I refused first hand. Sometimes I'd accept because I'd be telling myself I would buck myself up in time and would go... unfortunately I was so depressed that I would be setting myself an unrealistic goal and by not reaching it I would feel even worse. The worst thing about depression is the shame you feel... which includes shame about how you treat people. And when your depressed your thinking is so distorted that you don't even feel comfortable with your best friend or the 2 girls she works with. When even changing your underpants on a daily basis (and yes it does get that bad for people with depression) is a major challenge then meeting anyone is a major task. I hid in the house when people knocked at the door because I didn't want them to see me like that... and every attempt at contact feels like salt on a raw wound in a way.

So yes I think you are right to be worried but I think her weight is not the main issue (although it may be a contributing factor to her depression).

Thanks Gg for those links, my friend and I both know that this girl is depressed and sinking deeper, but my friend has tried on several occasions to talk to her about it (not even mentioning her weight) but she denies there's anything wrong. Neither of us have experienced depression so find it impossible to know how she's feeling and how to deal with it.

Her husband thinks we're making something of nothing, and can't see it at all. He says she's fine! Part of me wants to just step back and leave her until she realizes there's a problem but like I said I worry that she'll get to a point of no return with her weight where her health starts to be more affected. And there's her child to consider.

She's not a particularly close friend of mine so she just sees me as interfering, particularly because I've been more successful at managing my weight (which I would never talk about to her anyway). She's actually said some pretty hurtful things in the past, when we were both starting to tackle our weight problem. But my other friend is a very good friend and seeing her so worried is hard.

______________________________Comfort eating is "comfortable" before the guilt sets in and your clothes start to shrink! - A Wise and Wonderful Friend!!

Every day is a renewable contract, every day you get up and start again!!!

Unfortunately some people have to hit rock bottom before they and their immediate family will accept that help is needed and that may be the case here. The more your concerned friend tries to raise the issue with her the more she may withdraw. Best instead to just take a step back....maybe just send a weekly text or make a weekly call just to say hi and that you are thinking of her. Ask her if she wants to go for a short walk rather than out to a social occasion.....basically just let her know on a regular basis that you are there in the background without judgement or expectation and wait for her....but it can take months and months of waiting.....as my friends learnt.

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