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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC

Category: Mental Health

Satisfied Customers: 2819

Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker.

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my daughter is married with 15 mo. old twins. In February,

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my daughter is married with 15 mo. old twins. In February, she had a major "breakdown" and checked herself into the psych ward of a hospital. After that she went on to 12 weeks of out-patient therapy at an excellent facility. She was diagnosed with post-partum depression, panic disorder and bipolar. She suffered from major depression as an adolescent and could not attend her senior year of high school, but was tutored and did graduate.

She is doing the best she can do now. At the urging of the out-patient therapy, she goes to a psychiatrist for her meds, goes for therapy with a psychologist on a regular basis and goes to yoga classes. She maintains a very positive attitude that I can see.

The problem is that her husband is always on her back. He questions her therapy sessions and wants to know what my wife says and what the therapist says. He himself thinks he can help her vs. the therapist. He can be quite nasty to her at times and for no obvious reason. They live with very small rooms and are having the basement finished yet they do want a larger home... but my SIL went without pay for 3 full mos. while my daughter went to her outpatient therapy.

HE can be so hard on her and she tells me what he says, today, for example was one of those times. I have been crying for 2 hours and am unsure what to say to my daughter other than encouraging her always and telling her to tell my SIL she needs the therapy as part of her treatment and it is helping her.

What else can I say or do to make my daughter feel better. I give her credit all the time and praise her constantly.

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I am sorry to hear that the support from her husband isn't wonderful. Based on all that you have said it is clear that she needs this support of medication and therapy and so great for her that she has the strength to do all of that even while he pressures her.

CoachJenK :

Having twins on top of all of that is absolutely draining on every level.

CoachJenK :

You are doing a great job as her mom to support and encourage her. do you live close where you are able to help with the kids to alleviate the stress?

Customer:

i live 45 minutes away and do not drive there myself. rely on husband to drive me because i don't drive turnpikes.

CoachJenK :

ok.

CoachJenK :

depending upon your relationship with your SIL I might suggest you speaking with him...but only if your relationship is strong and your daughter would want that.

Customer:

i did forget to mention that he can be extremely supportive when he WANTS to, takes over the care of the babies, but rushes my daughter all the time.

Customer:

my daughter will NOT NOT NOT allow me to speak to my SIL under any circumstances.

CoachJenK :

I urge that she does not end any of her treatment just because he is pressuring her.

Customer:

I feel at my wit's end.

Customer:

She will not end any treatment. She does have a lot of inner strength thank G-d.

CoachJenK :

it is very hard for you to sit back and see her sad....I feel for you.

Customer:

thank you.

Customer:

she didn't even sound sad on the phone. she vents to me and feels better, but i know how it has to take a toll on her.

CoachJenK :

yes so given that then you can rely on her strength and courage to do what she has been doing. Glad she has you to talk to and just keep giving her that opportunity to pour it out to you while you listen and support her.

CoachJenK :

ok then the best way is to continue to support her in those tough moments when she comes to you to talk and let it out.

Customer:

i have to tell you that i had always felt he was a very controlling (yet loving, caring) person. they lived together 6 years before they married.

CoachJenK :

I am sure it does but that is encouraging...she may just need to vent so she can go on and deal with it. As you say he is supportive when he wants to be so maybe that feels okay for her.

Customer:

the thing is when she is open with me, it breaks my heart and i feel so bad for her.

CoachJenK :

I am sure, but try and remember in those moments that she is feeling better being able to talk to you.

CoachJenK :

having you as the supportive listener eases things for her.

Customer:

thank you. i can never break the promise to her that i will always be there for her, always.

Customer:

but it takes a toll on me.

CoachJenK :

yes of course it does because what Mom wants to hear that pain.

Customer:

but i have come to a point in my life that i feel calm and good about who i am. i am amazed by my own wisdom.

CoachJenK :

you are a GREAT mom and she is too because of all that you have instilled in her.

Customer:

thank you.

CoachJenK :

but she sounds strong enough that if she felt it wasnt right for her then she would get out.

Customer:

when she was a teen and was struggling so badly (i swear it was the bipolar thing and depression ) she almost ran away and did some awful things.

Customer:

that is true. she does not want out.

Customer:

and i can never let her know how upset it makes me to hear what she tells me.

CoachJenK :

rso that shows you she is where she wants to be but needs to vent as we all do at times.

Customer:

she has had a black cloud over her for too many years but i see such tremendous improvement in her.

CoachJenK :

as hard as it is for you I think you are doing all the right things...not intruding but providing the support she needs in order to feel better.

CoachJenK :

she is doing what she needs to now for herself by getting herself the help she needs and staying in it...I commend her for that.

CoachJenK :

I am glad you see that and I am sure the twins are a beautiful blessing for her.

CoachJenK :

and for you.

Customer:

she did tell him he needs to read up on bipolar. i think he feels guilty because #1 he can't afford a new house right now so they're finishing the basement, and #2 i think he feels responsible for her condition

Customer:

and like she says, he can't control things to make her all better

CoachJenK :

exactly....

CoachJenK :

I am sure on some level he feels that he could help to make her better so understanding it could help him to know that it isnt something he can fix.

Customer:

and i told her not to tell him what goes on in her sessions but to emphasize the positive about how they are helping her now. Turn everything around to a positive I told her.

Customer:

exactly, if he could just "get" that!

Customer:

and he will complain about the times she sees the therapist cause it's during the weekend, but i told her it's just too bad. you have to go when he is available. I will tell her to continue being strong.

CoachJenK :

I am hoping in time he will get it. Her sessions are for her only and when he pressures her she can try and keep it to herself.

Customer:

i believe she has to do that.

CoachJenK :

yes she must continue.

CoachJenK :

for herself and the kids.

Customer:

So do you think if I just look at every time i encourage her to think of it as a positive for their relationship, i will be better able to deal with what she tells me?

CoachJenK :

he may worry that he is being spoken of so he pressures her to divulge it all.

Customer:

or she will say to him "I don't want to wind up back like i was in february."

Customer:

you're right with that one.

CoachJenK :

I think you are a caring mom so I believe you will feel the pain no matter what....but just remember her strenght and that is where she wants to be. If she didnt she would leave.

Customer:

he keeps telling her he needs a "plan" for this and a "Plan" for that. There can't be any plan.

CoachJenK :

not with twins...plans out the window. :-)

Customer:

yes i will tell that to myself from now on. and she doesn't ever want to leave.