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Ms Chase, Life Coach

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How can I help my husband who is under a lot of stress due ...

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How can I help my husband who is under a lot of stress due pressures at work and dealing with his elderly father? He is heading for a nervous breakdown. His work environment is very stressful and everynight after work, he heads to the nursing home to sit with his father for 2 or more hours. He doesn't get home until 9:30 or 10 PM. He yells at me that there's nothing I can do to help, and that I should just be thankful that I don't have to go through this. I am really worried about him, he will not talk to a professional.

Thank you for your question and welcome to Just Answer. It would help if we had a few more details.

Do you have a job? Homemaker? Children? Does he work during the weekends? How is the money situation? Is his job one that you two have to have in order for your lifestyle to continue, or can he pursue other opportunities?

We both work full time - 2nd marriage for both of us - no kids - he does occasionally work on weekends. Money is not good - we are overextended and in a lot of debt. At this time he will not leave his job. I amke more money than him but he works for a friend of his and feels like he would let him down if he quit. He usually is ok handling stress. His Mother passed away 3 years ago, and now his Dad has parkinsons and is in a nursing home. He feels so bad for his Dad becasue he just wants to Die...but he has no life threatening conditions. I have offered to sit with his Dad during the week a few times but Tom keeps insisting that is not necessary and that I should just try to understand. I keep telling him that i do understand, but that I feel hlepless and that marriage is about sharing and he should let me help him...

Marriage is about sharing, but sometimes things happen and they aren't able to be dealt with in a "normal" way. The relationship he has with his dad is a lifetime relationship, there's possibly feelings and emotions connected to his dad, that he's never shared with anyone, if he even knew how to. He's already lost his mother and probably has very mixed emotions about his dads illness, maybe feeling helpless about not being able to be more of a help to his father. On top of that, to put a burden on you and have you sitting with is father? That's the way he's probably seeing it.

Money problems can make anyone mad, but add all of the other stressors, and you can see why he's so angry. Take a step back for a while. Don't insist on helping him, instead, try to make things a little calmer around the house. When he comes in have some candles lit, some incense if you like, soft music, dinner, a bath maybe. Try to do things that will help ease his tension (if you feel inclined to do them) rub his shoulders, give him a hand massage if he'll let you, after a few days he may be more willing to open up to you and maybe talk more about how he feels.

You can't "force" him to go to therapy or counseling, but he won't be able to go on much longer like this either. I say give it a little more time, don't push yourself on him, don't insist on talking about the problems right now, just give him a little space and see how that works. Best wishes.

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