Insiders from Vatican City leaked a memo today reportedly from a High Vatican Cardinal that says the Pope is actually a Chinese agent and has no connection to the Catholic Church, Germany or the Laker Girls. Catholic faithful throughout the world expressed shock and disbelief as did the Chinese. Officials at the Vatican denied that it was their memo and High Cardinal Butch Swain said that it looked like his handwriting but it couldn’t be. An official for the Los Angeles Lakers Cheerleaders refused to comment but posed provocatively for photographers.

Worldwide religious experts have been debating the behavior of the current Pontiff and some are saying he couldn’t have come from Germany or be a “true Catholic”, but Pope Benedict XVI continues to say he is German and can’t even speak Chinese. Professors from the School of Religion and Questionable Theology say they’re certain the Pope is from China. “You bet he’s Chinese,” said Professor Zachary Jones a Bishop and bandleader. “As sure as cats and dogs fight.” But some think the Pope is who he says he is.

Bishop Ed Kmiec of the Catholic Diocese in Buffalo, New York says he’s pretty sure the Pope is Catholic and from Germany. “He has the right accent,” the Bishop said this morning at an underground Bingo tournament. “If he was Chinese someone I know would probably have told me.”

The National Enquirer reported that the Pope has been eating a lot of Chinese food and that their reporters have found chopsticks and empty soy sauce bottles in his trash. “He’s Chinese, that’s for sure,” said Carly Simon, Enquirer reporter and former singing sensation. “I’m not sure why, but I know about this kind of stuff. He can’t fool me.”

In other news, North Korean President Kim Jong Il has secret plans to change his name to Sun Myung Moon and declare himself leader of the Unification Church. Reportedly he plans to keep wearing the creepy jumpsuits and may add a matching hat.