How To Ask If The Pics Are Her?

I’ve been married for 11 years. Early on my wife cheated on me twice (I found the note she wrote confessing of her love to him) and I came home in while she was in the act with the second guy. She has also exposed herself to others on the internet in the past. I decided to stay with her and we worked out our problems and the relationship seems to be stronger than ever. But the other day I found a posting on an amateur erotic website that some guy had sent in that was titled "a friend." I swear (I’m about 85%sure) I think its her. I couldn’t see most of the face but what I saw of the body and lower chin I think it’s her! I am heartbroken at the thought of this, but I don’t know how to bring it up. I can’t just drop it because it is eating away at me all the time, every day since I saw it. Do I just ask her or do I try to dig around a little first to try and make sure first? I feel so lost and hopeless because of this. Please help me!

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Answer:

Trust is a fundamental part of any healthy marital relationship. Unfortunately, it appears to me that there is not very much trust left in this relationship. Here is why I say this:

1. Your wife has a history of cheating on you twice during your 11 year old marriage.2. She has a history of uploading sexual type pictures of herself on the Internet.3. You went to some type of amateur pornography site I wonder why in light of the difficulties in this marriage?4. When you find a sexual of someone who could be your wife, your first instinct is to avoid asking her about this rather than being up front and honest with her about your fears.

It seems that you are fearful about being wrong that the photo could be of her and that she would get angry at you.

However, in my opinion, it is important to point out to you that you have every reason to feel suspicious in light of the things that have happened in the past. I would think that finding her in your be with another man must have been extremely shocking. Yet, now you seem to be acting as though you are wrong to be suspicious of her.

Perhaps you fear her asking you why you continue going to pornographic web sites. Actually, it would be a good question for her to ask you.

Do not misinterpret what I am saying here: I am suggesting that you went to that site because there is very little trust between the two of you and that is understandable.

My suggestion:

In my opinion, the two of you must discuss the picture you found, including why you went to that type of site. In addition, there is much the two of you have to resolve in your marriage if it is going to have any real future. I urge the two of you to find a good marriage psychotherapist and make a real commitment to working out your joint problems if the two of you really wish this marriage to succeed.

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