(Click here to skip down to the results of our double-dactyl contest from Week 1076.)

New contest for Week 1080: McGonagall with the wind

To the Zoo, on a Cowardly, Profit-Driven DecisionAlas, the zoo is closing the exhibit of invertebrates (Little animals that live on plankton and frankfurter bits). Now where can we go to see coral and octopuses? Fie on thee, zookeepers. You are spineless wusses. — Gene Weingarten, inspired by the “poetry” of W.T. McGonagall

The Empress was recently alerted to the oeuvre — emphasis on the oeuuuu — of William Topaz McGonagall, a 19th-century Scotsman whose mawkish, clumsy odes on various tragic subjects prompted audiences to throw rotten fish at him, and today earns him such superlatives as “writer of the worst poetry in the English language,” in the words of a Web site devoted to his life and, uh, creations (see bit.ly/mcgonagall). Such as this stanza from “The Execution of James Graham, Marquis of Montrose”: After partaking of a hearty breakfast, he commenced his toilet, Which, in his greatest trouble, he seldom did forget. And while in the act of combing his hair, He was visited by the Clerk Register, who made him stare.

Not surprisingly, such wordcraft inspired Washington Post Doggerel Laureate Gene Weingarten to pen the tragic ode above, on the occasion of the closing of the National Zoo’s Invertebrate House. And inspired us to ask you to out-McGonagall McGonagall: This week: Memorialize a modern “tragedy” in a poem burdened with hilariously overwrought verse; lame, forced rhymes; and painfully uneven meter. While the work of the real McG typically drones on for a dozen verses, we think you can get the badness across in one verse of no more than eight lines.

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, in keeping with the quality of the verse that will earn it, a miniature key fob of an itty-bitty rubber gorilla: You squeeze it and a little brown bubble of “poop” emerges from the mini-butt; let it relax and the poop-bubble returns inside the ape. A National Zoo souvenir donated by Loser Andrea Kelly.

The world’s easiest-to-clean-up gorilla poop — just unsqueeze and it goes back inside the gorilla. This little key fob is second prize in Week 1080 of the Invitational. (Pat Myers)

Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po’ Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 21; results published Aug. 10 (online Aug. 7). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include “Week 1080.” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. This week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by Danielle Nowlin; the alternative headline for the “next week’s contest” line is by Jeff Contompasis; “Six-Hooters” is by Nan Reiner. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev, and click “like” on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday.

^The Style Conversational The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv.

SIX-HOOTERS: WEEK 1076’s WINNING DOUBLE DACTYLS

The double dactyl, a verse form invented just a few decades ago, has all sorts of rules: It has to be eight short lines; one of the lines has to be a six-syllable word; one has to include someone’s name; and most important, it has to be in dactylic (DUM-da-da) meter. As in today’s inking entries, the best of a stampede of a thousand or so galloping submissions.