Married and lonely – Dave

Meet Dave. He’s married and lonely. Dave loves his wife, but since they had kids, her focus has changed. He used to be the centre of her world, but then the children arrived and so did her focus.

Now, all she wants to do is look after the kids and his feelings of loneliness continue to grow,

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re never lonely.

A marriage can make you feel more alone than being single sometimes. You have a partner and they’re there for you as much as they can be. But, the issue is that the kids mean they just don’t have that much available energy to give you time or understand how you’re feeling. The support you had after a tough day has filtered out and instead this is now replaced by you needing to put in the effort of listening about feeding, sleep patterns and do bath time as soon as you walk through the door.

You get no peace. Sure, you’re out at work all day, but it’s not like this time is your own.

And Dave would like nothing more than to relax with a hot bath himself. Followed by sex with his wife, who he still adores to let off some steam.

But there’s no time. Nor energy for that. And Dave finds this understandably difficult. It’s not like he’s had the time to adapt. One day he was lying in bed next to his wife. The next, there was a baby between them.

This happened to Dave. We can see how he is now married and lonely. They were blissfully happy, but then when they started their lives as parents, his partner needed to divert all of her emotional resources to her family. Don’t get him wrong. Dave idolises his kids. He loves them with every ounce of his being. He goes to work every day. And he works hard. All so his wife and kids can have the best life possible.

But this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t resent them.

This isn’t a talk that he’d have with his friends.

Dave is ashamed and has an internal conflict about the way his family bring out his passive aggressive side. All he longs for is intimacy with his partner, but when she’s with him, although she may be in the same room, her mind is elsewhere. It’s like their intimacy slipped away when the children arrived and they’ve turned into one of those functioning couples who have lost the physical connection.

With no sign of getting it back soon.

Dave is a dutiful husband. And he doesn’t want to cheat on his wife. The idea of hurting her feelings slices through his heart like a dagger. Even though he understands his life was partly his choice, there are still times when he questions the validity of his decision to become a father now that the harsh reality of the sacrifices he and his wife have to make are clear.

Try talking to your partner, now that’s a joke.

Dave feels like he walks on eggshells. His wife’s nerves are frayed at the best of times nowadays. Level headed sensible communication about a touchy situation is something that he has tried and learned fast that they’re best to avoid.

And for sure, they’re emotionally sharing the responsibility, but he can’t let off the steam of that with the person to whom he is closest to anymore. When they share a sexual experience, it’s rushed. And he feels his wife has checked out. These are genuine issues.

Every person needs love. And to feel that love.

But, sometimes, the person we’re used to giving us that love doesn’t have the resource. She may even experience a level of depression herself after the birth.

This is how Dave feels. He’s married. He loves his wife. But he needs more than she has to give him at the moment.

The last thing he wants is to hurt his wife.

But his needs are valid. His need to be sexually stimulated, to feel love and compassion and have some time out to himself are driving him insane.

And so Dave comes to see us regularly. We lighten his load and he returns to his wife in a more calm state. More prepared, and able, to be the excellent husband he wants to be.

Dave isn’t a real client. Out of respect for the privacy of our clients, we would never tell you exact stories about any one individual. However, Dave is such a common issue that many of our regular clients deal with.

Alice was lonely after her husband passed, in every way, including being sexually lonely. It’s one emotion that friends are afraid to cover. Sex. It can be intimidating to bring this up in a society that hides sexual connection away behind closed doors. Particularly when we’re talking about women, although Alice’s situation is just as valid in our male clients.

But, Alice’s needs were real and her new isolation lead her to an increased sense of feeling sexually lonely.

It doesn’t matter how your loved one’s pass, it still leaves you with feelings of isolation.

Bereavement can be a tricky time emotionally and this is further impacted by sexual loneliness. At the time when Alice was craving human contact, she was at her most isolated. It’s not like she was ready, if ever, to embark on a new relationship and so the coil of unreleased sexual tension continued to rise. Combine this with her already turbulent emotions — she just needed a release.

A release where the only factor was joy.

Within an environment, where she didn’t feel guilt or the need to apologise, for being human. Where no-one would judge her for being a woman in every sense of the word.

And in a professional setting where she needn’t worry about calling someone back or going out to dinner, or about them becoming obsessed when she simply didn’t have the energy to give to a relationship. Alice had needs, but she was busy healing. She had nothing else left to commit to developing a relationship.

For sure, masturbation helps for a brief period. However, in the long term, whatever gender you are, we all crave human touch. And so eventually, orgasm and easing sexual frustration needs to rise from intimacy with another person. Don’t underestimate the power of human touch.

That’s why Alice chose to be with someone who provided a sense of love and physical support, whilst expecting no gratification in return. She could come and be satisfied, while having no responsibility for satisfying a partner.

We’re not providing relationships for our clients and whilst there is a huge element of emotional support that comes from the experiences, we don’t offer a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship. This leads to a safe environment where our ladies can book a slot to experience pure sexual pleasure with a trained therapist. But, don’t get confused, whilst we’re not here to court you and this is a job, you won’t feel you’re a number.

We talk to all our clients before and often during your session. We’re people working with people, and we hold compassion at the heart of everything we do.

Alice’s husband had died suddenly

This isn’t the case for everyone. Perhaps your partner hasn’t even passed yet. If they’re sick, this is often a prolonged period where your needs come second. But for Alice this wasn’t the case.

There had been a terrible accident, and she didn’t go to bed with the childhood sweetheart who she had woken up with that morning and every morning since they were both only the age of 16.

Alice had been in counselling with a therapist who suggested that she find an outlet with a genuine sexual therapist for her first time since being with her husband to whom she lost her virginity. Don’t get us wrong, we’re not about to offer you sex. This is about sexual relief and avoiding being sexually lonely by giving you one of the most basic human needs. Intimate physical contact.

Alice was nervous

She cancelled her first session. And her second. This is why we take a deposit now, because at some point, you need to have the push to take the very scary first step towards easing your path to being sexually fulfilled.

When she showed up, she parked on the drive and it wasn’t just shyness she was experiencing. She was shaking with a huge fear of the unknown.

What was she getting herself into?

Would she end up putting herself in a vulnerable position in which we could take advantage of her?

What if people found out, it’s not the culture to go looking for affection in strange places?

What if the guy’s attractiveness meant he had real arrogant qualities?

And g*d forbid, what if this was a brother type experience masquerading as therapy?

This is natural. For men and females. There is an actual expected sense of shame. also rolled into all of those valid questions.

But.

As soon as you meet us, you’ll know this isn’t what we’re about. We can relate to your situation and don’t forget we’ve trained in something for a reason. We don’t think there is anything wrong with our clients; we want to soothe your pain and frustration.

Some people need words and phrases through the art of verbal counselling, and we offer an alternative to that. A much needed escape from reality through unlocking the deep rooted power of intimacy. We will always respect your boundaries.

Anyway, after that first time, Alice then made the two-hour journey once a week. After about six months she started coming every other week and as she healed and grew in confidence, she knocked back her sessions further until she found a boyfriend.

We glimpsed her again after she suffered another loss, but this time it was only for a few sessions. She could heal way faster this time, which filled our soul with love.

It’s stories like Alice that make us proud to be doing the work we do. Why should touch be limited to those who haven’t suffered an excruciating loss? It’s ridiculous. You need its comfort the most because this is when people are lonely and we don’t believe that our society gets to choose how fulfilled and at peace you are.

Alice’s story could as apply to people who have been the victims of sexual assault, or like we said earlier who still have their partner alive but are still sexually lonely because of individual circumstances. It could also be the story of many people trapped in a loving relationship, but remain bored and lonely.

It doesn’t matter what factors have prompted you to read this article, if you’ve reached this point, then there’s no need for you to continue being miserable, we can help you ease your feelings of sexual loneliness.

NOTE: Alice isn’t real, in that she isn’t one person. Instead, to protect the privacy of all our clients, she is a hybrid, representative of the people we see.

Emma was feeling sexually frustrated in her marriage after she became pregnant.

Her husband lost interest in sexual intercourse and Emma’s sexual frustration grew over time. Eventually the pressure of not having sex meant that she began looking elsewhere to quell her feeling sexual frustration.

Feeling sexually frustrated isn’t always about libido

Couples often expect a woman’s libido to reduce when she is pregnant and if we’re not careful this can lead to depression as women become aware, often mistakenly, that they are no longer attractive to their partners. This body anxiety, combined with experiencing a changing sexuality as hormones fluctuate can lead to an immense feeling sexually frustrated.

She didn’t want to cheat on her partner, she loves him. But, needs are needs and it’s not as easy as it once was to masturbate when you have a huge belly in the way.

Emma’s needs are real

Emma’s needs are real and so she had to find a solution to this problem before she grew into a fiery ball of rage and stress at not having had an orgasm within her relationship.

When she found us, she was nervous at first. After all this isn’t a life experience that a normal person and women in particular talk about. We would argue from our experience that it is more common than people let on. But, dealing with our desire is something we are conditioned to keeping private.

Being nervous, it was important for Emma to speak to her therapist on the phone before her appointment and have a chance to question him about the format of her pleasure experience.

This helped to ease her nerves about intimacy with a stranger without any hint of love. She was also suffering with feelings of a lack of body confidence being that she looks different to how she usually feels comfortable.

Nerves are normal, but they don’t last

When she arrived she was still nervous, the first time you have a yoni tantra massage it’s strange. But within five minutes she was able to relax and enjoy a the gentle touch of this massage experience whereby she was the only focus.

Emma has since become a regular client working the yoni tantra massage therapy into a healthy part of her lifestyle as a mother and wife.

Some would argue that this is a sign of some form of dysfunction within her relationships, but actually Emma argues that having time carved out to concentrate only on herself allows her to give more during the rest of her life to those who she loves and supports without feelings of resentment.

NOTE: Emma is typical of the type of clients who visit us for a yoni tantric massage. In our meet our clients piece we don’t actually tell you real names and may include many pieces of clients together. We ALWAYS respect the privacy of every single client we meet.