Foreword: The SCP Foundation has discovered a substantial number of items which are simply too useless to merit further attention. This document lists those items which have prompted some curiosity. It may be used as a resource should knowledge of these items become useful or necessary in the future.
– Dr. █████ █████, Head of Research, Site ██

Note: Please add new entries to the bottom of the list, not the middle or the top.

Item Description: An unbreakable lamp.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ████████, ████Current Status: Kept in Dr. Rights' office in Site-██.Notes: This was one of the first items categorized as "Anomalous" and denied full SCP classification, due to lack of value in further research and little need for special containment.

Item Description: A penny which, when flipped, will always land "heads up".Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ████, ███████Current Status: Shipped off to permanent storage.Notes: Can’t believe that none of the researchers kept this to win bets with.

Item Description: An ordinary brand ███████ number 2 pencil, which will balance easily on its tip for hours at a time.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ███████, ████████Current Status: Incinerated.Notes: I’m not even sure why this was an anomaly. Maybe it just had a very flat tip.Notice: Destroying anomalous items without appropriate permission is a major violation of Foundation policy. See that this does not occur again. - Site Director █████ █████.

Item Description: A painting (possibly a landscape, records are unclear) that gave a mild case of diaphragmatic spasms, or hiccups, to anyone who saw it.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ███████, ███████Current Status: Incinerated.Notes: This would obviously be a pain to work with, but shouldn't they have at least tried to see how it worked?Notice: Destroying anomalous items without appropriate permission is a major violation of Foundation policy. See that this does not occur again. - Site Director █████ █████.

Item Description: A small rock that emits a bright white light from an unknown source. Otherwise unremarkable.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ██████, ███████Current Status: Currently in the possession of Dr. Light.Notes: No radiation, no life signs, nothing. If nothing else, it's a reminder of the inexplicable nature of the universe.

Item Description: A 1964 Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum Revolver. When any ammunition is fired from the third chamber, an unidentified male voice will shout "Nice shot!"Date of Recovery: 09-03-████Location of Recovery: Wichita, Kansas, USACurrent Status: In storage at Site 19's vintage weapons depository.Notes: Perfectly serviceable and well-maintained aside from the anomaly. Accuracy or even proficiency with the firearm is not required for the anomaly to function. Voice sounds whether or not the shot is, in fact, "nice".

Item Description: A wire clothes hanger. Only long-sleeve, blue, men's dress shirts with collar sizes between 15.5" and 16.5" can successfully be hung upon it. All other clothing articles simply drop off to the floor when hanger is employed.Date of Recovery: 09-15-████Location of Recovery: Halifax, Nova Scotia, CanadaCurrent Status: In storage.

Item Description: A nuclear snow globe. When shaken, instead of falling snow, it shows a miniature-scale nuclear explosion. It emits no radiation, sound, or force, and the explosion pattern changes every shake. Aftereffects such as radioactive snow and black rain have been observed. At random intervals, the snow globe will contain a small shed, car, or truck, which reacts to the explosion.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: Sokrovenno, RussiaCurrent Status: In storage.

Item Description: A squirrel which constantly moved much slower than normal, even when jumping or falling, similar to "slow-motion" video footage.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ███████ Family Campgrounds, ███████Current Status: In animal containment.

Item Description: A cheap plastic ping-pong ball, that would change from red to green twice daily.Date of Recovery: ██/██/20██Location of Recovery: ██████████, California, USCurrent Status: Located under a locker in Storage Room 19-553B. Maintenance team required to extract object.

Item Description: A white cowboy hat. Any person wearing is compelled to whoop and box dance uncontrollably.Date of Recovery: ██/██/20██Location of Recovery: ██ ██████, TexasCurrent Status: Kept in a scantly used test chamber and brought out during staff birthday parties.

Item Description: Six-sided dice that can occasionally land on a seven.Date of Recovery: ██/██/19██Location of Recovery: ████████ Gaming Society in ████████, MarylandCurrent Status: Being used for research by Dr. McCallum.Notes: Research my ass. He's just using the damned thing to cheat on his sneak attack damage. - Dr. Morgan

Item Description: A drinking glass that visually appears to be able to hold a pint (568 ml) of fluid, but overflows when more than 35 ml is poured into it.Date of Recovery: ██-██-1998Location of Recovery: ████████, IllinoisCurrent Status: In storage.

Item Description: A series of pornographic VHS tapes that, when rewound, would continually change actors, sets, and methods of coitus. All appear to relate to actual filmed movies, though the quality is low.Date of Recovery: █-██-19██Location of Recovery: Hackensack, New JerseyCurrent Status:Missing, presumed lost.Recently recovered from the possession of Dr. ██████. In storage.

Item Description: A 76-centimeter-tall statue of a clown. In room where it was placed, a giggling sound would be noted whenever lights were turned off.Date of Recovery: 05-16-200█Location of Recovery: ██████, GermanyCurrent Status: Shot approximately 15 times with a 9mm sidearm by Agent ██████. Agent reprimanded. No anomalous properties recorded in the remains.

Item Description: An adult male capybara (Hydrochoerus hydrochaeris) several thousand miles away from the natural habitat for its species, with bright blue and green fur.Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery: ████████, WisconsinCurrent Status: Identified as lost exotic pet with ██████████-brand hair dye. Returned to owner; class-A amnestic administered; recovery agent reprimanded.

Item Description: An HB pencil which cannot be used to write, and only draws photorealistic images of Jimi Hendrix eating various foods.Date of Recovery: ██-██-1979Location of Recovery: █████, LiechtensteinCurrent Status: Accidentally snapped during testing (1993); portions of pencil did not retain anomalous properties, and were subsequently incinerated.

Item Description: A 24000-carat diamond, cut in the size and shape of a common construction brick.Date of Recovery: ██-██-197█Location of Recovery: ███████, South AfricaCurrent Status: In storage pending identification of source.

Item Description: A white cotton-and-polyester t-shirt bearing the words 'SCP: SECURE CONTAIN PROTECT" on the front, and a crude but recognizable cartoon of SCP-173 on the back, with the caption "SCP-173: DON'T BLINK". Aside from the security breach it represents, the item has no anomalous properties.Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery: █████████ Thrift Store, New York City, New YorkCurrent Status: In storage.

Item Description: A wedding invitation which, every six hours, becomes a different wedding invitation. Thus far, all invitations have been for weddings on dates between 5 and 15 years in the past, and have involved persons not found to exist.Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery: █████████████ Bookshop, ██████████████████, WalesCurrent Status: In use as one-time pad generator.

Item Description: 16-month day planner (September 2009 to December 2010) manufactured by the ██████████ company which will duplicate anything written into it across all other units. This only works for date/time entries that have not yet come to pass.Date of Recovery: ██-██-2010Location of Recovery: ██████ ███████ Office Supplies, ██████ ████, FloridaCurrent Status: 17 units in Foundation possession; unknown number remain in circulation (estimated at █). Research personnel are monitoring new entries in an effort to locate remaining copies.

Item Description: An Ikea-brand wall clock which seems to disappear and reappear once every second.Date of Recovery: ██-██-19██Location of Recovery: ███████, Scotland.Current Status: Disappeared at 1124 hours GMT on ██/██/19██. Item never materialised, presumed irretrievable.

Item Description: A rubber-and-metal flyswatter which, when used to kill an invertebrate, causes the user to burst into tears.Date of Recovery: ██-██-19██Location of Recovery: ███████ Free Clinic, █████, SurinameCurrent Status: In storage.

Item Description: A spear that, when thrown, pierces the heart of the nearest humanoid and extends several spikes from its blade afterward. Agents are to note that "the nearest humanoid" is typically the person who threw it.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: █████, IrelandCurrent Status: In storage.

Item Description: A Risk set that has a variable number of pieces, appearing and disappearing as needed on the board. Sounds of battle are produced by the dice when rolled on hard surfaces rather than the expected clattering.Date of Recovery: █-██-████Location of Recovery: ████████, OregonCurrent Status: Available in Area 43 break room for recreation.

Item Description: A piece of vine charcoal that causes "Someone help me! I'm trapped in the charcoal!" to be written every several seconds whenever used for writing or drawing.Date of Recovery: █-██-████Location of Recovery: ████████████, ScotlandCurrent Status: In storage.

Item Description: A bottle of bootleg █████ █████████ perfume, which attracts cats in a 1 km radius when used. Discovered after a gathering of over 4,000 cats caused a traffic jam in downtown ███ ███████.Date of Recovery: █-██-████Location of Recovery: ███ ███████, ██████████Current Status: Stored in an airtight container, Low-Value Item Storage, Site-██.

Item Description: An upright piano. If a human touched any of the piano keys, the human became irresistibly compelled to play the piano and sing popular Broadway show tunes, for a period of three hours or until the player was incapacitated. It is to be noted that the item did not provide musical talent, knowledge of tunes, knowledge of lyrics, or the ability to sing on-key.Date of Recovery: 04-28-200█Location of Recovery: Recreation center at Foundation Site 33. Piano had been at that site for several years but its unusual properties did not manifest until Incident [DATA EXPUNGED].Current Status: Disassembled by sledgehammer during containment breach; resulting detritus incinerated. Residual ashes evidenced no unusual properties.

Item Description: A #2 pencil that, when used, causes the writer to unknowingly make spelling errors. Spelling errors can be corrected using the pencil.Date of Recovery: 06-██-20██Location of Recovery: Site 19 supply cabinetCurrent Status: Accidentally destroyed. Materials demonstrated no unusual propertiesNotes: Are you sure the person who reported this wasn't just really bad at spelling?

Item Description: A white plastic "halo", which will shine and float when above anybody who has not committed any of the 7 deadly sins. Will glow red when placed above anyone else.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ███, ████Current Status: Melted itself down after being placed above Dr. ████ ██████'s head.

Item Description: A snow globe containing an 11-second time loop of a snowman murdering a bystander with an axe.Date of Recovery: 12-25-20██Location of Recovery: █████ Ski Resort, ██, USACurrent Status: On Research Assistant Goldsheiner's desk, for aesthetic purposes.

Item Description: An early 19th century cannon of Russian manufacture. Cannon will prime, load and fire blanks (with no visible source of powder) if the finale of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture is played within audible range of the artillery piece. The timing of the shots is slightly off and inconsistent with the music.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: Napoleonic Wars exhibit, ████████ Museum, ████████.Current Status: Maintained as a lawn ornament in the staff garden at Site 12. Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture added to Site "Blacklist" of restricted materials.

Item Description: A glass dinner plate, 11 inches across. When organic material is placed on the plate, it begins to secrete digestive enzymes (mainly proteases and cellulases) which produce foul-tasting waste products and an unpleasant appearance in food.Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery: Site 19 cafeteria, discovered by Junior Researcher ███████, who initially believed the kitchen staff were attempting to poison him.Current Status: Currently under investigation by Dr. █████.

Item Description: A white coffee mug that, at 3:00 AM local time, will replace all fruit juices in its interior with grapefruit juice.Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery: ███████, MinnesotaCurrent Status:In the possession of Research Assistant Jacobs. In storage.Notes: Effect has consistently failed to manifest after RA Jacobs filled the item with grapefruit juice nineteen days after recovery.

Item Description: A pair of cordless headphones that constantly play songs by The Beatles despite the lack of a music or energy source.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ████████ concert, California, United StatesCurrent Status: In storage.

Item Description: A ballpoint pen. Decimal points in numbers written with the pen will periodically move for the next 314 days.Date of Recovery: 11-03-20██Location of Recovery: Accounting department at Site-11.Current Status: Stored in Low-Value Item Wing of Storage Site-23.

Item Description: A computer file with the name "~DFFF1C.tmp". The file has a negative filesize of -2 bytes; its presence on a storage medium increases the space available. Copies of the file retain this property, but editing the file changes its size to 0 bytes.Date of Recovery: 05-21-20██Location of Recovery: Dr. ████'s home computerCurrent Status: Stored in Dr. ████'s computer, with several backups on portable media.

Item Description: A three-sided die; no matter how it is observed, subjects will report that it definitely has three sides, despite this being physically impossible.Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery: A tabletop gaming convention in [REDACTED].Current Status: Sliced in half, yielded two one-sided dice.

Item Description: An adjustable-height stainless steel floor fan of unknown make and manufacture. The fan will only function when exposed to music written by an artist or artists that no persons within hearing range have knowledge of.Date of Recovery: ██-██-1997Location of Recovery: Jacksonville, FloridaCurrent Status: In storage.

Item Description: A pound cake that emits the sound of a young girl laughing when being cut.Date of Recovery: ██-██-2012Location of Recovery: █████'s Bakery Shop in WyomingCurrent Status: Kept in cold storage at Site-17

Item Description: A slate sculpture of a human hand and a section of forearm, standing approximately 0.5m tall and weighing 50kg. The object's orientation cannot be changed and acts as a perfect compass - the thumb always points due magnetic north.Date of Recovery: ██-██-2012Location of Recovery: Raid on a Marshall, Carter & Dark Ltd. warehouse in London, UK.Current Status: Staff gardens at Sector-25.Notes: Accompanying recovered documentation indicates that MC&D was having difficulty finding a buyer for the object.

Item Description: A 235-kg █████ █████-brand moped. When traveling at speeds in excess of 30 km/h, it displays inertial qualities consistent with an object of significantly higher mass, generally between 350 and 600 kg, depending on speed.Date of Recovery: ██-██-1999Location of Recovery: ████████, GermanyCurrent Status: In storage

Item Description: A large whiteboard. Should a subject write a problem on the white board, it will immediately begin to form a chart organizing the information pertinent to that problem. The object will then form connections between the information and attempt to come up with a solution. However, it will also write comments regarding the subject's intellect and physical appearance. These are almost always derogatory.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: █████████, TexasCurrent Status: In storage.

Item Description: A Nokia 1208 cell phone with exactly 2 bars of reception at all times, regardless of location, situation, or condition of the phone. Other functions do not differ from normal cell phones.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ████████ village, Astrakhan district, found in possession of [DATA REDACTED]Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A purple stress ball that when squeezed causes the person to become contemplative about their recent successes and failures in life.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: In the office drawer of a psychiatrist by the name of Dr. P████ Laymond.Current Status: Torn to shreds by a loose pet corgi. Reconstruction is under consideration.Notes: Is this thing even necessary? Why did we even take it in the first place? Why did Rachel dump me last night? WHY??? – Agent R████████

Item Description: A Basset Hound capable of limited human-like speech - only vocalization is the word "dude", in various accents and tones of voice.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ████, CaliforniaCurrent Status: Held in Site 33 kennels.

Item Description: A skee-ball arcade game dating to the late 1930s. Whenever 850 or more points are scored in a single frame, the ticket dispenser releases that number of live cockroaches.Date of Recovery: ██-██-1943Location of Recovery: ████████ & Sons Games, Coney Island, New YorkCurrent Status: In containment.

Item Description: A key that can unlock the door to any empty, unmonitored room, but with the side effect of a skeleton of a random small mammal appearing inside the room and falling out the door as it is opened.Date of Recovery: ██-██-2006Location of Recovery: ███████, LondonCurrent Status: In containment.

Item Description: A treadmill that will suddenly increase the speed to the maximum (15km/h) whenever stopped before the pre-programmed session is over. Unplugging the machine gave the same result.Date of Recovery: ██-██-2012Location of Recovery: ██████████████ Health Center, Seoul, KoreaCurrent Status: On ██-██-2012 object was found to be broken, and it was revealed that many agents had used it for exercise since its containment. After the repair, object did not display anomalous properties any longer, and thus relocated to Foundation health center.

Item Description: A generic baseball cap that can only be worn 'properly'. Any attempts to wear it sideways or backwards cause it to forcibly remove itself from the wearer's head.Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery: ███ ████, New YorkCurrent Status: In storage.

Item Description: A single copy of the book The Principles of Knitting. When the chapter detailing various problems encountered while knitting is read, the user experiences these problems the next time they attempt to knit. Problems extend to types of knitting not otherwise possible in three dimensions, leading to widespread tangling.Date of Recovery: ██-██-2012Location of Recovery: Baltimore, MD, USACurrent Status: In storage.

Item Description: A VHS recording of the 1992 vice-presidential debates, in which Vice President Dan Quayle appears to have been replaced with a brown quail (Coturnix ypsilophora), which displays normal avian behavior on the recording. Behavior of the other subjects on the tape is unaltered. Forensic video analysis has not revealed any evidence of editing.Date of Recovery: 11-17-2012Location of Recovery: Ft. Lauderdale, FloridaCurrent Status: In Dr. Q█████'s office.

Item Description: A yellow "rubber ducky" bath toy. When a subject explains in detail a practical problem to the item as though it were a living anthropomorphic duck, they will feel that they have a better understanding of said problem, and are often immediately able to come up with a solution.Date of Recovery: ██-██-199█Location of Recovery: ███ ████, CA, USA.Current Status: In display at Site-17's Office Block, for use by all personnel.

Item Description: A swan goose (Anser cygnoides) which extinguishes fires around it in a radius of 32.444 meters. Effect expands to 101 meters on the night of the first quarter moon.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: Altai, MongoliaCurrent Status: In animal containment.

Item Description: A hard cover book that, when read, makes everything a person touches feel like a certain designated texture, depending on the page read.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: Cartersville, GeorgiaCurrent Status: In the desk of Dr. Raye.Note - I like the fluffy kitten page. - Dr. Raye

Item Description: Ten (10) glass sculptures of Queen Angelfish (Holacanthus ciliaris) that animate when placed in water. Sculptures require all the needs of a regular fish, except oxygen.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ██████, IrelandCurrent Status: Kept in the aquarium in the 2nd floor break room at Site-17.

Item Description: A china statuette of British cartoon characters Wallace and Gromit that, upon observation, causes the observer to have a mild craving for cheese.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: Recovered with SCP-████ in a raid on a Marshall, Carter and Dark auction.Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A set of chess pieces carved from white and pink marble. When used to play a game (rather than normal handling), the pieces transform into humanoid figures in the shapes of individuals important to the players. The king's knight is always in the shape of the player, regardless of gender.Date of Recovery: 04-26-19██Location of Recovery: Found abandoned on a public chessboard in Central Park, New York City, NY, USA.Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: 32 printed copies of John Cage's 4'33". When performed by any number of musicians, the sound of a euphonium practicing various atonal music pieces can be heard softly emanating from each copy.Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery: Band room of ████████ High School, located in Oahu, HI.Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A replica of a human skull made out of gelatin. Item has not been shown to decay as per standard gelatin. Item plays music every October 31st. All music has been confirmed to be identical to that played by the band ███ ███████ ████ at their annual concert at the ████████ ████ Zoo.Date of Recovery: ██-██-██11Location of Recovery: ████████ ████ Zoo Amphitheater.Current Status: On the desk of Dr. ███████.Notes: I would feel a little bad about this, but the concert is free anyway. -Dr. ███████.

Item Description: A bronze statue of a mermaid. Causes kleptomaniacal compulsions in mammalian subjects continually exposed to it.Date of Recovery: 06/30/1967Location of Recovery: ████████, ██Current Status: Replaced with a replica. Original in storage.

Item Description: The word [REDACTED], a 9-letter imaginary word which is defined as "the opposite of a sieve." The definition is known as soon as the word is read or heard. Only one written instance of the word exists at any given time; the previous instance is erased when the new instance is written, although the word transfers at roughly 1808 km/s. The word reportedly feels natural and fluid to pronounce, and so may potentially be easy for unknown independent parties to create and write down. It is otherwise mundane.Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery: Word Generation And Verification Subroutines, Site-18 Data BanksCurrent Status: Written on a piece of paper stored at Site-19. In the event that an unknown independent party writes the word, one of several researchers will be on call to write the word down again.

Item Description: A tiara constructed from living specimens of mushroom and other non-invasive fungus. Placing the tiara on a human subject's head causes the subject to become gyroscopically stabilized from the waist up. No matter the effort, the subject will become unable to move their body from the waist up out of a perfectly vertical position.Date of Recovery: ██-██-1919Location of Recovery: Copenhagen, DenmarkCurrent Status: In storage.

Item Description: A traditional Brazilian berimbau of typical construction and materials. When held by a human subject, and the stick is raised to strike the string, the subject immediately displays an instinctive knowledge of how to play basic traditional rhythms. Further exposure does not seem to result in further knowledge gain, but the resultant basic knowledge remains with the subject after exposure.Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery: Salto, BrazilCurrent Status: In storage.Note: Until it is determined conclusively that the item has no cognitohazardous capabilities, handling and testing is restricted to D-Class subjects.

Item Description: A 129-character string. Entering it on the password field of an online service will allow log-in no matter what the original password was; only known exception is the word "password".Date of Recovery: ██-██-201█Location of Recovery: Lagos, NigeriaCurrent Status: Archived. Research on encryption and network structures resistant to effect underway.

Item Description: A blue stress ball. When squeezed, holder becomes infuriated, and when thrown, will bounce back and hit the thrower's head.Date of Recovery: ██-██-19██Location of Recovery: ████ Psychiatrics, ████Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A standard ███████ brand deck of cards that, when used to play any card game, appear 'backwards', showing all other players the card's face, while only showing the card's holder the back of said card.Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery: ███ █████, Nevada, United States.Current Status: In storage at Site ██ Recreation Lounge.

Item Description: A credit card of an unknown black material. Purchases made with the card via magnetic stripe readers are retroactively debited from Banco de Mexico's account number ██████.██, in October of 1993.Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery: **Secret chamber in the Great Pyramid of Giza, Cairo, EgyptCurrent Status:** In storage.

Item Description: A red 1994 Toyota Camry whose radio could only play Men Without Hats' "Safety Dance" regardless of station, whether a cassette tape had been inserted, and even after the radio itself had been replaced 3 times.Date of Recovery: ██-██-200█Location of Recovery: Atlanta, GeorgiaCurrent Status: Crushed and melted down during an unusual containment breach. Residual slag showed no anomalous properties.

Item Description: A high-tech typewriter that produces a cognitohazardous effect on every person trying to formulate a description for said object. Despite being a typewriter, it is always described as a typewriter, with various properties, containment places and such replaced with analogous typewriter-related properties. However, the verb "to shoot" and its cognates are not affected. Attempts to photograph the object are hindered by mental influence, and any attempts to draw or paint the object result in a drawing of a typewriter.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: An abandoned printing device research base that belonged to a defunct group of interest called [REDACTED].Current Status: In storage in Site ███ printing devices room. An effort to produce copies of the typewriter is underway.Notes: This typewriter is great! Easy to shoot, very accurate, good shooting distance, lightweight, supports different key sets and has a 60 cartridge tray. The typing mechanism is detachable, .45ACP and 5.56 versions are available. Most likely, the anomalous effect was developed in order to hinder intelligence efforts. - Agent Cora.

Item Description: A wooden toy rifle designed to shoot rubber bands using a gear. Rubber bands accelerate to 1/540 the speed of light upon leaving the barrel of the rifle.Date of Recovery: 10-15-2010Location of Recovery: Mount Vernon, VirginiaCurrent Status: In anomalous weapons containment.

Item Description: A computer that cannot connect to any network when networking is enabled, but can attain a connection to the internet of exactly 161.24 kbps anywhere, regardless of the speed of light and other physical limitations.Date of Recovery: ██-██-2011Location of Recovery: ██████, PortugalCurrent Status: Currently used to maintain communications with ████████.

Item Description:A glass statue of a non-Euclidian structure. Glass fragments of a statue, originally composing a non-Euclidian structure.Date of Recovery: ██-██-2013Location of Recovery: ████, ███████Current Status: In storageNotes: It was broken when I found it. - Agent Green

Item Description: A drawing of a dog that, when viewed by an illiterate individual, teaches them how to read and write Latvian.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ██████████, ██Current Status: In Level 1 Document Storage at Site-██.

Item Description: A Christmas tree that is impossible to disassembleDate of Recovery: 25-12-2013Location of Recovery: Original location unknown, secondary location is near the entrance tunnel to Site-14.Current Status: In Site-14 break room as a decoration for Christmas.

Item Description: One coaster. When placed on any horizontal surface, it leaves a circular water stain 6.3 cm in diameter. Stains left by this object have proven to be extremely difficult to remove.Date of Recovery: 09-18-1995Location of Recovery: ██████ ████████ Brewery, Gatlinburg, TNCurrent Status: Accidentally destroyed under unknown circumstances.

Item Description: A Mark XIX (19) Israel Military Industries Desert Eagle on 50. Action Express with Picatinny rail. When held, it displays an ammo counter in the bottom right corner of the wielder's peripheral vision, and, when fired, displays a point value based on the target hit, in base 5 numeration.
Date of Recovery ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ███████, Florida, U.S.A.Current Status: Stored in Site-19 Low value storage unit.Notes: It sounds cool, but the ammo counter is hard to focus on, which distracts you when you're trying to fire it, and it's nearly useless since you can barely make out the numbers. The scoring system has to be worked out on paper, and there's no easy way of recording the numbers when you have to decode your score every time you shoot. Keep this thing far away from the usable weapons. - Agent Harrelson

Item Description: A pack of ███████ brand chewing gum containing six (6) pieces of chewed gum. When chewed, they will revert to 'un-chewed' form. Re-chewed pieces do not possess this property.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ████ ██████ , CanadaCurrent Status: In storage in Site-██.Notes: How did we figure out it did that? - Dr. ██████

Item Description: A tambourine that, when shaken, produces the sounds of a guitar. Staff claim to greatly enjoy it.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ██████, EnglandCurrent Status: Held in the Site-19 break room.

Item Description: A pair of baby blue boxing gloves. If the boxing gloves are used to punch an infant in the jaw, the new-born will grow all of its adult teeth within the following 24 hours.Date of Recovery: 08-10-20██Location Recovery: Glasgow, ScotlandCurrent Status: Stored in Site-17 containment locker.

Item Description: A Roman mosaic assembled in the 4th century CE depicting a creature resembling a Stegosaurus. Outside its anachronism, it is not otherwise anomalous.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: Villa Romana del Casale, Sicily, Italy.Current Status: In display at Site-77's Historical Anomalies Wing.

Item Description: A wooden pan flute. When played, an unidentified male voice will tell music-related puns in the player's first language.Date of Recovery: ██-██-1991Location of Recovery: ████ Music Shop, Salonica, Greece.Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A red ███████ brand automobile. The automobile is reported to leave a trail of flames in areas it passes. It is also able to speed up to ████ kilometers per hour.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: █████ family's garageCurrent Status: Last seen driven by Dr. Gerald. Presumed destroyed.

Item Description: A black top hat. When worn, any sounds made by the person wearing it is replaced by an unidentified male voice saying an onomatopoeic word based on the sound (for instance, the sound of sneezing will be replaced by the word "sneeze").Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ███████, ███████Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A tin can labelled "WORMS" in white paint. Opening the lid reveals another lid directly underneath. Analysis has resulted in the conclusion that there may be a theoretically infinite sequence of lids.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ███████, West VirginiaCurrent Status: In anomalous item containment locker.

Item Description: A carton of ████████-brand cigarettes. Upon smoking, subjects can only communicate through operatic vocals, with an effect lasting from 8 to 15 minutes.Date of Recovery: ██-██-2004Location of Recovery: Phoenix, ArizonaCurrent Status: A number were consumed a month after recovery by the Site-22 staff. Remainder in storage.Notes: These were a lot of fun. Someone should put them in the break room vending machines if the Foundation comes across a reliable source. - Agent ██████

Item Description: A red 2011 Alfa Romeo 159. Upon sitting in the driver's seat, the driver spontaneously forgets how to use a stick-shift transmission. They regain this knowledge upon stepping out of the car. (It should also be noted that this car has a stick-shift transmission.)Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery: █████████, PolandCurrent Status: In storage; awaiting repairs due to a burnt-out clutch.

Item Description: A black-and-white picture of a flock of sheep that causes any human within a five (5)-meter radius to feel as if they are being watched.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery:███ ██████Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A Triumph Adler TA-1600 brand computer. When activated all peripherals are turned into aged Abbaye de Belloc cheeseDate of Recovery: 11-██-2012Location of Recovery: Algonquin College, CanadaCurrent Status: Stored in Site-██ break roomNotice: I shouldn't have to say this, but since it keeps happening: staff are advised not to connect peripherals to the computer unless they intend to turn said peripherals into cheese. - Supervisor White

Item Description: A severed saltwater crocodile (Crocodylus porosus) head, which doesn't experience decomposition or corrosion. When touched or handled physically, the head animates and bites its handler, then returns to its inactive state. Object also regenerates almost instantaneously when damaged.Date of Recovery: ██-██-2014Location of Recovery: Las Vegas, NevadaCurrent Status: In frozen storage.

Item Description: A blue M&M's candy, which, when set on a flat surface, begins to spin, accelerating in speed until it reaches a rate of approximately 65 rev/s, at which point it instantly freezes in place until picked up and set back down.Date of Recovery: 02-24-2014Location of Recovery: Cedar Springs, Colorado, USACurrent Status: Consumed by Dr. ██████

Item Description: A glass mirror that reflects images across its surface approximately 3.86 seconds more slowly than conventional mirrors, resulting in a significant 'lag' in the observed reflection.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ██████████, UkraineCurrent Status: Undergoing testing at Site-73. Studies indicate that there is no observable change in the rate at which photons are reflected by the mirror.

Item Description: A toy rocket made out of an unknown polymer which can exceed speeds needed to escape the earth's gravity. It caught the interest of the Foundation and was tested.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ████/█████ BorderCurrent Status: Currently located in the thermosphere in Earth's Orbit.

Item Description: A small █████ brand FM radio, estimated to be ██ years old. When powered and set to any frequency, the radio will play a random song popular among teenagers during the activator's pubescent years. This song will always involve romantic relations and is described as remarkably apposite to the activator's current relationship status in 95% of cases. When activated by somebody not in a romantic relationship, the radio will play an inexpertly recorded cover of Harry Nilsson single "One," sung dramatically off-key by an unidentified pubescent male accompanied by a series of atonal electric piano notes.Date of Recovery: ██-██-1986Location of Recovery: ███ ██ High School, ███████, IllinoisCurrent Status: Lost following testing by Researcher ████.

Item Description: A bag of ███-████ brand marshmallows. When a marshmallow is consumed by an individual, their head becomes engulfed in blue flames. Subjects always report a lack of noticeable change in spite of heat readings exceeding 100°C.Date of Recovery: ██-██-2014Location of Recovery: ███████, ScotlandCurrent Status: Remaining samples were placed in storage.

Item Description: A pair of ravens (Corvus corax) who will sing the folk song known as twa corbies on some but not all occasions when someone dies within an approximately one kilometre radius.Date of Recovery: 06-27-1989Location of Recovery: ████████, British IslesCurrent Status: Held in a standard aviary.

Item Description: One pair of ███ brand headphones that can only be described as the opposite of what they are.Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery:█████, CanadaCurrent Status: In storage at Site-██.Notes: Don't think into it too much. - Dr. ███████

Item Description:A yellow brandless notebook. Every page contains multiple hand drawn rainbows. The words "KYLE, AGE SIX" are visible on the item's cover. All written text regarding said notebook will alter its colour in order to follow the pattern of the colours of the rainbows contained in the notebook. The drawings do not follow the pattern of real rainbows.Date of Recovery: ██-██-██Location of Recovery:Sussex, UKCurrent Status:In storage at Site-98.

Item Description: An iron ball bearing (radius: 2cm) which completely lacks ferromagnetic properties, even in the presence of strong magnetic fields (tested up to 8 Tesla). It is the only known instance of an anipole, that is, a magnet with no poles (as opposed to hypothetical monopoles). Discovered while searching for low-background steel for use in radiation-sensitive experiments; it was noted for anomalously low levels of trace radioactive elements. Subsequent analysis revealed that it is composed entirely of pure iron.Date of Recovery: ██-██-200█Location of Recovery: ███████ Factory in Alaska, US.Current Status: Held in Site-11 storage in radiation-shielding unit to preserve purity.

Item Description: A standard 'Monopoly' board game that, when played, will invariably incite an argument between the players that will ultimately lead to the cessation or annulment of their marriage, partnership, friendship or whatever other form their relationship took.Date of Recovery: 07-03-2001Location of Recovery: ██████ family yard sale, Illinois, US.Current Status: Site-19 storage.

Item Description: Seven booster packs of the popular "Magic: The Gathering" trading card game. Opening of any of the packs will lead to an unidentified male voice saying "Ha! Nerd!" The voice appears to be located a distance away from the opener of the pack.Date of Recovery: ██-13-20██Location of Recovery: ████ & ██████ ComicsCurrent Status: Only five boosters remain. Currently stored in the Site 23 Storage Room.

Item Description: A 2 m. by 1 m. glass oblong that acts as a portable window to a parallel universe. Reverse side is an unidentified opaque material which has resisted all efforts to damage it thus far. Currently, the point of divergence between universes is unknown, but does not appear to have altered any aspect of Earth. Glass is functionally a mirror.Date of Recovery: ██-03-19██Location of Recovery: ████████, EnglandCurrent Status:Marked and used in Site-██ changing rooms Removed to storage following reinstitution of Protocol ANTI-AN105/76 "Containment First," on September 6, 2009.

Item Description: A 17g lump of Plasticine which, when viewed by more than one person, is unanimously agreed to be too much Plasticine. Mechanism for perpetuation of this worldview is currently unknown. No anomalous effects if viewed by only one person.Date of Recovery: ██-12-20██Location of Recovery: ██████ █████, █████████-████-████, EnglandCurrent Status: Kept in a small plastic bag in the Break Room of Site ██.

Item Description: A pillow that audibly complains about itself. Complaints thus far have been softness (of which the pillow stated it was "too hard" and "too soft" at different times), material of the pillow, the material inside the pillow, and how much it talks about itself. While it has been noted that the pillow is sentient and is able to respond to personnel, the only thing it has discussed is itself.Date of Recovery:██-14-20██Location of Recovery: █████ Soft Co.Current Status: Site 35 Storage Room

Item Description: A chicken nugget that does not age or go stale. When a piece of the object is has been bitten off, the nugget will regenerate the area that has been bitten. Cutting pieces off of the object do not regenerate. It seems as though the "main" part of the nugget will regenerate with pieces cut off to show no anomalous properties.Date of Recovery: 12-31-2013Location of Recovery: ████████, Connecticut.Current Status: Stored in freezer at Site-48.Notes: Maybe we could use this as infinite ration during shortage of food. - Dr. Smith

Item Description: A white oak tree (Quercus alba) that, when viewed by a subject, is invariably described as being "ironic". Affected subjects are incapable or unwilling to explain further.Date of Recovery: 05-21-2011Location of Recovery: █████████, CanadaCurrent Status: In storage.

Item Description: A 1 m tall, solid gold flamingo statue that animates whenever a blue moon occurs. When animated, it attempts to fly through the ceiling only to crash into it. It will keep doing so until either restrained, or the morning after the blue moon ends.Date of Recovery: 05-16-████Location of Recovery: ███████ Zoo, USCurrent Status: In storage.

Item Description: A toilet paper roll with the words "Jimmyz Teeliscop and Anty-scop" written on it with a red marker and various star stickers dotted around it. When viewing through one side, the roll will act as a telescope, however, when viewed from the other side it act as the opposite.Date of Recovery: 06-12-████Location of Recovery: █████████ Woods, USCurrent Status: In storage.Notes: I feel bad for the kid who lost this. - Dr. Richards

Item Description: ██████-████ (██) sheets of paper that when flipped in the same direction twice show a "third side". Flipping a sheet again will show the first side. Flipping backwards from the first side will show the third one.Date of Recovery: 03-20-████Location of Recovery:████████ High School in ████████, ██Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A medium, white, men's shirt. All attempts to capture the item on video or photograph have failed, as photographs and videos develop as if the shirt were not present.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ████, ████████Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A pair of cheese graters. Any cheese grated with one comes out of the other grater if the 2 are within ~6 meters of each other.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: 21 ████████ Rd, Sequim, WashingtonCurrent Status: Under testing.

Item Description: A standard paper straw wrapper which is animate and has behavior patterns consistent with a boa constrictor. This includes slow "slithering" movement and attempts to constrict prey. Due to the material it is made of, it exerts very little force, and can not restrict anything worthy of notice.Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery: Moe's Roadside Grill, ███ ██████, ██████Current Status: Crumpled up, presumably by accident. Believed to be "dead".

Item Description: A font file named HAPYFASES.TTF. Any text displayed in it appears as excerpts from "Klingon Steed", a 12-novel series of unpublished slash romances. Author and font creator are unacquainted and display no anomalies. Downloadable file replaced with corrupt decoy.Date of Recovery: 03-06-2009Location of Recovery: PhreeKrazyFontz.com (Site defunct 16/12/2012)Current Status: Installed on workstation of Senior Researcher Mary Esposito, Site 12

Item Description: An oil painting depicting a sunset over snow-capped mountains. Any human who views the painting is unable to move (excluding blinking and other unconscious movements) until they are deemed to have sufficiently "appreciated" the painting's composition or are forcibly moved by an external force.Date of Recovery: 12-06-200█Location of Recovery: ███████ art gallery in ████, Ukraine, having spontaneously appeared in the gallery the day before.Current Status: In permanent storage following an incident in which Dr. Gently was transfixed for three hours before being removed by security staff.Notes: Maybe it'd be easier to appreciate the thing if the artist wasn't terrible at conveying depth. - Dr. Gently

Item Description: A plush toy of a golden retriever dog, looking cheaply made in appearance. Subjects describe the plush toy's body to feel unusually realistic. Touching the plush toy's fur is described to feel like dog's fur, touching the mouth is described to feel damp and sticky, and so on.Date of Recovery: 09-21-1992Location of Recovery: ██████ ████ Dollar Store, ███████, LouisianaCurrent Status: Recreational toy in Site 15 Lounge.

Item Description: A 13 piece set of basic 12-inch rulers that when damaged emit a loud 'screeching' sound then begin to move away from the source of damage.Date of Recovery: 01-██-20██Location of Recovery: An abandoned Staples warehouse in Coppell, TX, formerly home to a ████ sex cult and ████ ████.Current Status: Under testing.

Item Description: It might be a coffee cup that could possibly cause all writing about it to be uncertain.Date of Recovery: 1999ish?Location of Recovery: Somewhere in Florida.Current Status: In storage. Possibly.

Item Description: A nickel-plated pocket watch. Induces a mild trance state in observers when not being swung back and forth like a pendulum.Date of Recovery: 06-██-20██Location of Recovery: A flea market in Cairo.Current Status: Anomalous properties suppressed, safe to observe.Notes: Did somebody actually build a little machine to keep this thing swinging? I mean, nice job, I guess, but seriously, we could just keep it in a box. - Dr. Micah

Item Description: A copper hoop (152 mm radius) with tubular rim (6.4 mm radius). A groove 1.6 mm wide runs along the inner surface. Three 25.4 mm bar magnets are attached to rails within the groove. These magnets are always equidistant and if given any momentum will rotate around the hoop at a constant velocity without slowing. Any attempt to extract mechanical energy from this system causes it to abruptly stop. All copies have failed to duplicate the perpetual motion of the original device.Date of Recovery: 08-08-1968Location of Recovery: Inventors convention, Las Vegas, NevadaCurrent Status: Engineering Research Lab, Site-19

Item Description: A stack of 128127around 124 A4 printing papers printed with a variety of content, exact number of sheets undetermined. Every time the stack is counted, a single1 to 3 a small number of sheets (exact number undetermined and suspected to be random) will disappear.Date of Recovery: 05-11-2010Location of Recovery: ██████ Building, Shanghai, China. Original stack believed to have consisted of over 400 papers.Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A 10x10 cm piece of white cardstock bearing two equally-sized black dots. The dots remain adjacent to one another along the direction of the Earth’s equator, no matter which way the card is turned. Anomaly fails to manifest when paper is not held approximately parallel to the ground.Date of Recovery: 12-11-████Location of Recovery: The ██PD forensics labs; retrieved from a deceased John Doe.Current Status: Laminated for preservation purposes, kept in storage.

Item Description: A plastic milk jug which does not experience any gravitational forces. Milk was found to harbor no anomalous properties.Date of Recovery: 01-12-2015Location of Recovery: ████████ Recycling Center, ███-█████, ArgentinaCurrent Status: Stolen.

Item Description: A rock possessing telepathic capabilities with a range of a few meters. Mostly mulls over how bored it is. Communication appears to be one-way only.Date of Recovery: 09-01-████Location of Recovery: Discovered during investigation of site of an anomalous event by MTF Psi-8 ("The Silencers"). Determined to be unattached to identifiable larger anomaly.Current Status: In storage.Notes: Took several hours to locate which rock was anomalous. My knees hurt. - Agent █████

Item Description: A pig whose appearance is static and shifted downwards by ~.25 meters. Effect is purely visual. The image is as it was when the effect started. The effect was reported to have taken ahold instantly.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: Pig farm in ██████, ████Current Status: Kept as a pet on Site-██ by Junior Researcher Barem.

Item Description: A mummified human foot in a clay jar. Thought to date back to the eighteenth dynasty of Egypt. Anomalous in that genetic testing matches the foot to one Daniel Eichtue-Heau, a resident of modern day California, who presently possesses both his feet. Eichtue-Heau is under surveillance.Date of Recovery: 06-13-20██Location of Recovery: Found in the remains of a shrine to the Egyptian goddess Ma’at.Current Status: In storage.Notes: Eichtue-Heau’s left foot was severed in an industrial accident on 02-21-20██. Foot was seized by Foundation personnel and found to share numerous characteristics with the mummified foot. Currently held in cold storage.

Item Description: A soft-boiled egg approx. 0.7 meters in height. Shell is tan in color and speckled with green. DNA testing inconclusive.Date of Recovery: 12-11-████Location of Recovery: Retrieved from an illegally-operated restaurant in South America specializing in exotic foods. Other dishes on the menu included snow leopard, chimpanzee, wooly mammoth, human, and SCP-███. Reports indicate that two such eggs had already been served, and that the last was being reserved for a wealthy Chinese stockbroker. The egg was predicted to sell for $█,███,███.Current Status: Undergoing testing.

Item Description: A printed image of a Jack Russell Terrier that invariably fools observers into believing they are perceiving a living dog of the same breed. Effect can be avoided by observing the image indirectly, such as through a mirror or camera.Date of Recovery: 09-04-████Location of Recovery: A pet show in New Orleans.Current Status:Held in Site-██ kennels. Stored in Site-██ cognitohazard file containment.

Item Description: A letter opener resembling a fifteen (15) cm long miniature claymore. Material is common low-grade stainless steel, the handle is lacquered oak. Material samples taken exhibit no unusual properties. The content of any envelope opened with it is transformed into a poem of appropriate content. Mission reports have been transformed into anything ranging in style from viking sagas to material akin to poems by the War Poets of World War 1, while clerical content usually turns into dadaist or absurdist poetry (especially anything produced by the accounting department of ██████)Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery: ████████, ████Current Status: Kept in storage at site ████. Access is usually granted upon written request to Dr. ████████ and for Class A-C personnel.

Item Description: A twin size mattress. Subjects who fall asleep on the mattress will invariably have a dream in which they are forced to consume a live walrus using only a fork and kitchen knife. Whether or not the subject succeeds in the dream appears to be inconsequential.Date of Recovery: 14-06-1983Location of Recovery: A furniture store in ███████, EnglandCurrent Status: In storage.

Item Description: A box of 24 Crayola-brand pencils featuring 3 pencils in colours that don't exist in nature. Listed on the box and on each respective pencil as "moiter," "emilet" and "cankri." These pencils work as expected.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: Recovered from a Manna Charitable Foundation establishment located in ███████, Canada.Current Status: In storage.Notes: Probably memetic or something. Gives me a migraine to look at them. Pretty though. - Researcher ████████

Item Description: A 1:1 replica of a .338 caliber Accuracy International AWM sniper rifle, complete with bipod, telescopic sight, magazine, and internal mechanisms, constructed out of various unusually durable edible substances (a significant portion of which is chocolate cake). Despite its composition, item is fully functional as a firearm, capable of chambering and firing .338 Laupa Magnum cartridges.Date of Recovery: 07-16-2000Location of Recovery: Sandford, Somerset, EnglandCurrent Status: In storage.

Item Description: A running car made entirely out of paper scraps. No motor has been found.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ████████, TexasCurrent Status: Kept in a garage with various other non-dangerous cars and such in Site-██.

Item Description: The exact phrase "█████████████", when used as a username on any website. Accounts by this name cannot be banned or deleted, and content uploaded or posted by them cannot be removed, due to computer errors that spontaneously occur during attempts.Date of Recovery: ██-██-2007Location of Recovery: N/A. First instance identified on social media website Reddit.Current Status: The operators of the ██ known accounts by this username have been located and amnesticized to prevent usage of these accounts. The username has been registered by the Foundation on as many other sites as possible.

Item Description: A standard coin counting jar with no identifiers of its manufacturers. The jar runs on one (1) triple-A battery, and works as expected, correctly counting the amount of coins placed within. However, all coins placed inside will become pennies of equal amount (e.g., a dime placed inside will become 10 pennies). Outwardly the jar appears full of pennies. If the lid is removed, the coins can be removed as normal, though they still appear as pennies within the jar.Date of Recovery: 11-11-2011Location of Recovery: A Walgreen's store at ███ █████, Florida.Current Status: On the desk of Dr. █████.

Item Description: A stack of three-hundred and sixty-four (364) pieces of personalized stationery. "Messages for Bertrand Bartleby" is inscribed at the top of each. When folded in half, stationery will inscribe itself with the name, physical description, and a chronological record of actions taken by anyone in proximity to the folded paper, using terminology and slang common to turn-of-the-century London.Date of Recovery: 02-15-2015Location of Recovery: 412 Missionary Street, London, England.Current Status: Missing.Notes: On 06-20-2015, all but one (1) piece of the acquired stationery were reported missing from storage. The remaining piece had been folded in half and left in the empty locker.

Fifteen Minutes After Third Bell, Evening
Bertrand Bartleby enters. Pale, stout, and doughy as a Yorkshire Dumpling. Dress of fine quality. Posture of a well-bred and educated gentleman.

Sixteen Minutes After Third Bell, Evening
Bertrand Bartleby recovers all but one of me. He expresses polite amusement at my recovery.
I am folded in half.

Seventeen Minutes after Third Bell, Evening
Bertrand Bartleby requests that I begin recording retroactively from the moment he arrived. Additions are made.

Eighteen Minutes after Third Bell, Evening
Bertrand Bartleby exits.

Twenty-Two Minutes after Seventh Bell, Morning
Quartermaster Victor Louis enters. Tall, athletic, with a distinct mix of European French and African Negro. Dress and posture of unsightly quality.

Twenty-Three Minutes after Seventh Bell, Morning
Victor Louis recognizes that the rest of me is missing. He emits vocalized expressions of vulgarity, suggesting surprise and/or anger typical of lesser upbringing. He approaches with intent to open me.

Item Description: A ██████████ brand mountain bike that, while mounted, experiences a headwind of random speeds from █ m/s to ███ m/s, even in enclosed buildings.Date of Recovery: ██-██-2014Location of Recovery: ███████, DenmarkCurrent Status: Research ongoing for possible wind power generation.

Item Description: A █████ brand digital camera. When a photograph is taken, resulting photograph reveals scene of photo approximately 4.5 seconds before the exposure took place. Videos taken that are under 4.5 seconds in length are also affected.Date of Recovery: 04-10-20██Location of Recovery: Die ██████ Fotografie at ██████████, GermanyCurrent Status: In Dr. B█████'s office.

Item Description: A VHS tape with a recording of the music video for "Once in a Lifetime" by the band Talking Heads. The segment with the repeated line "Same as it ever was" continues from timecode 1:57 for two hours of non-repeating footage, with David Byrne repeating the line and looking increasingly distraught as hands grip his head.Date of Recovery: ██-██-1980Location of Recovery: ████████, ████Current Status: General media storage.Notes: Crew who worked on the original filming were interviewed. They all agree that no extra footage of this segment was shot.

Item Description: A controller for the █████ console that causes anyone holding it to write/type in '1337', a 'language' that replaces most alphabet letters with alternative ASCII numbers and symbols.Date of Recovery: 04-15-20██Location of Recovery: █████████████, Illinois, USACurrent Status: In Dr. Albae's Personal Locker.

Item Description: A scorpion that imitates various human mannerisms and speaks fluent English in a British accent.Date of Recovery: 01-28-2010Location of Recovery: ██████, Texas, USACurrent Status: Contained in standard terrarium, heat lamp included, at Site ██Notes: He appears to like tea, despite normal scorpions being strictly carnivorous. - Dr. Henry

Item Description: A pennaceous feather resembling a tail feather from an unknown species of family Accipitridae (hawks, eagles, and vultures). It is brown with white banding, appears to have naturally fallen from its host, and measures 4m long by 1m wide.Date of Recovery: 09-14-2011Location of Recovery: Steppe land approximately 500 km west of Astana, Kazakhstan.Current Status: In storage.Notes: So we have a giant egg and a giant feather in storage. Where's the giant bird? And why doesn't anybody know about it? - Dr. Argent

Item Description: An unbranded data cable for Android devices. When connected to a compatible device, the device will charge itself even though the data cable is not attached to a visible power supply.Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery: Sent as "Promotional Material" through ███ to Site-██, return address of mail is currently under surveillance by Foundation operatives.Current Status: Kept in storage in Site-██ for personnel to use.

Item Description: Twelve (12) quill pens that, when placed inside a suitable salt water environment, will animate and behave like a Sea Pen (Pennatulacea). When taken out of water, it will revert back to its original state. The items were discovered after a report of living pens.Date of Recovery: 08-23-2015Location of Recovery: A small tank inside ████████, San Diego.Current Status: Placed in an aquarium at Dr. ██████'s room.

Item Description: A commercial electrician's 22 piece tool set manufactured and sold by ████ █████. Any attempt to take any of the tools in the set without looking directly at it will cause the tool to instantaneously transport a few meters away to a random location. After 5 attempts to retrieve a tool, all tools in the set will transport to a location suitable for them to arrange themselves in an order resembling the ";)" emoticon.Date of Recovery: 04-18-2013Location of Recovery: Construction site for Containment Area-████Current Status: Site-45's Low Priority Containment wing.

Item Description: A writing pad with the words "Do not swaer" [sic] written on every page. Whenever the object is written about, any expletives in the text will automatically be replaced with similar words.Date of Recovery: 09-08-2015Location of Recovery: A classroom in the ██████████ school in ██████████, Australia.Current Status: Kept on a papertray in Researcher ██████'s room.

Item Description: A pair of black men's gloves made of an unknown material. If the items are worn while punching a living thing or inanimate object, large words depicting the sound made will appear for 1.7 seconds within 1 meter of the wearer.Date of Recovery: 09-08-2015Location of Recovery: A prop house in Walla Walla, Washington, United States.Current Status: In Dr. ███████'s office display case.

Item Description: A pencil sharpener that adds back layers of wood to any pencil inserted until it is indiscernible from its original unsharpened form.Date of Recovery: ██-11-2015Location of Recovery: A classroom in ██████████, ████████ Africa.Current Status:In a staff supply closet for reusing pencils. In a locked container in Dr. ███████'s office.

Item Description: A 1-gallon tub of Ben and Jerry's Vanilla Ice Cream. The ice cream itself is continuously kept at 12°C, despite temperature surrounding it. Consumption of the ice cream will cause the taste to change to a random flavor of existing ice cream flavors. However, consumption will automatically trigger an "ice cream headache". The ice cream does not regenerate after consumption.Date of Recovery: 03-14-19██Location of Recovery: ███████'s Freezing Goods.Current Status:Area 23 frozen storage. Consumed.

Item Description: A human skull that, when held, will cause the holder to walk around the room with the skull, acting out the play "Hamlet" by William Shakespeare. After finishing, the holder will place the skull to its original position, and return to normal. When questioned, subjects usually respond with lines from the play.Date of Recovery: 09-14-2002Location of Recovery: A drama hall in London, England.Current Status: A locked display case in Dr. Moreau's office.

Item Description: A male blue shark (Prionace glauca) that swims through the air like it would through water.Date of Recovery: 11-16-2013Location of Recovery: Miami, FloridaCurrent Status: On-Site terrarium at Site-B14Notes: Will eat anything a normal shark would, but seems to prefer dog food. - Dr. Uhlman

Item Description: A stovepipe style hat that, when worn by a human and viewed by one or more penguins, will exert a force on the wearer accelerating them upward at a rate of 1 m/s2 per observer. Under normal circumstances, 10 or more observers are required to overcome the forces of gravity.Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██Location of Recovery: ██████ Zoo, ██, ██Current Status: Site-37 storage wing.

Item Description: A double-six domino that cannot be knocked over. When pushed with a great amount of force, it knocks down the object that pushed it with a similar amount of force. Should a human push it, it bends the finger(s) that pushed the domino downward.Date of Recovery: 03-28-1996Location of Recovery: Boston, MassachusettsCurrent Status: Placed against the wall in Site-4's storage compartment.

Item Description: One cassette tape entitled The Best of Queen. When left unobserved in close proximity to other cassette tapes, item will transmogrify the tapes into exact copies of itself.Date of Recovery: 09-20-1982Location of Recovery: The floorboard of Agent ██████'s car.Current Status: Site-88's music wing.

Item Description: A gray analog alarm clock that sounds like the owner's primary maternal figure when reaching its set specific time.Date of Recovery: 10-28-2015Location of Recovery: Ithaca, New YorkCurrent Status:Kept in storage. Destroyed by Agent ███████. Agent reprimanded.

Item Description: A seemingly standard U.S. quarter. When flipped, it has a 33% chance of landing on a third side not normally visible. This third side depicts an engraving similar in appearance and format to the special state quarters; however, it depicts a state that does not exist. The state depicted is called "New Caulde", and according to the coin, was founded in 1919. The engraving depicts a hammer and a nail over a stylized image of a tree.Date of Recovery: 03-10-1989Location of Recovery: Las Vegas, NevadaCurrent Status: In storage. Testing must be approved by Dr. Cox.

Item Description: A table with a circular area approximately 20 cm in diameter that remains at a constant 37°C, no matter the surrounding temperatures.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: Atlanta, Georgia, USACurrent Status: In the Site-19 Break Room for use by staff (request to move to storage pending)

Item Description: A relatively small maple tree that shows effects opposite to the season currently underway. There are no ill effects on its health in spite of being unable to sufficiently photosynthesize due to the anomaly.Date of Recovery: 07-21-1984Location of Recovery: A park in █████Current Status: Relocated to an outdoor compartment of Site-██. Object retains anomalous property after relocation.

Item Description: A complex ritual which, when performed correctly, causes the manifestation of a single pepperoni pizza. Ritual was originally written on a receipt from a local pizzeria for one large pepperoni pizza.Date of Recovery: 11-16-1993Location of Recovery: Phoenix, ArizonaCurrent Status: Original receipt is kept in a low security filing cabinet at Site-17.Notes: Investigation of pizzeria showed no signs of further anomalous activity.

Item Description: A colony of lesser flamingo (Phoenicopterus minor), numbering 1441 in population at time of recovery, whose members were mutually intangible. Breeding attempts resulted in completely intangible offspring.Date of Recovery: 04-18-1952Location of Recovery: ██████████, NamibiaCurrent Status: All known members are deceased. The remains displayed no anomalous properties and were incinerated.

Item Description: An animate common iguana made completely of plant matter. Iguana was unable to reproduce as no female version of the creature had been found. Consumed insect matter.Date of Recovery: 04-12-1983Location of Recovery: Sewers beneath ███████Current Status: Died at average age; genetic information stored at Site-██.

Item Description: A worn out dartboard that cannot be hit by any player, regardless of skill level. Despite missing, the user will believe that they scored a bullseye and boast about their skills for a period of time between 4 and 110 minutes.Date of Recovery: 09-27-1963Location of Recovery: A pub in Cork, IrelandCurrent Status: In storage at Site-77

Item Description: A small toy in the shape of a domesticated pig with wings that animates at will. Item behaves in a manner similar to its biological counterpart, with the only exception being that it uses flight as its primary mode of transportation.Date of Recovery: 05-10-2001Location of Recovery: Houston, TexasCurrent Status: Contained in storage on Site-18.

Item Description: A chocolate-dipped granola bar that, when consumed, seems to have the missing portion regrow on one end of the bar.Date of Recovery: 02-17-2015Location of Recovery: ███████, OntarioCurrent Status: In storage at Site-██'s cafeteria. Flattened, however anomalous effects haven't been nullified.Note: Researchers and their brains. Always wanting to know more… smashed my damn chocolate bar in the process. - Agent █████

Item Description: A piece of information that when put through all mediums tested (image, txt, .mp3, ant genome, AIAD, [REDACTED]), alters itself to produce the same description/image of a purple flower.Date of Recovery: 04-02-2016Location of Recovery: [REDACTED]'s digital camera, after being struck by lighting.Current Status: Contained in Anomalous Data Storage Drive-14.

Item Description: A paper that causes every other word written on it to be turned into an expletive.Date of Recovery: 01-24-19██Location of Recovery: ████████ High SchoolCurrent Status: In Site-██'s storage locker.I fucking don't damnit what the shit is. I'm fucking on shit right ass and shits fine. Dr.████

Entry Portrayal: An antique lexicon which necessitates readers to communicate in unnecessary serpentine synonyms after perusing it. Periodically synonyms interdict the prepense definition.
Occasion of Retrieval: 13-02-19██ A.D.
Venue of Retrieval: ██████ Athenaeum, Romania
Contemporary State: In stockpileNotation: Human resources who I toil with are now necessitated to use dictionaries when in a tête-à-tête with me. - Dr. M██████

Item Description: A VHS Player ████ when described, changes the letters of random words ██ any description █████ it to the Unicode █████████ known as a 'FULL BLOCK' (█). While the ███ Player itself ███ not been observed ██ show any anomalous ███████ aside from this.
████ of Recovery: 09-04-2015
Location ██ Recovery: São Paulo, BrazilCurrent Status: Contained in ███████ on ████-18.

Item Description: A common goldfish (Carassius auratus), genetically within normal parameters for its species. It is in no way anomalous.Notes: Dr. Serion is no longer permitted to edit this document without O5-Approval.Item Description: A common goldfish (Carassius auratus) that sporadically explodes, before spontaneously reassembling. The detonations are sufficient to shatter aquarium glass, and have so far killed 10.Date of Recovery: 02-05-2016Location of Recovery: House of Dr. Serion, NY, United StatesCurrent Status: Kept in plastic bowl in the level 2 testing lab of Site-24. Fed twice daily.

Item Description: A plastic toddler spoon that attempts to gouge out the eyes of anyone who comes within six (6) meters of it.Date of Recovery: ██-██-2016Location of Recovery: ████ ███████, ColoradoCurrent Status: In storageNotes: The spoon is neither sharp enough nor heavy enough to do any real damage, just slightly uncomfortable. Goggles are recommended to anyone working with it.████

Item Description: A standard MPK5 SMG. When fired, it instead emits a high-pitched voice that attempts to mimic the expected sound of the weapon firing.Date of Recovery: 09-18-2012Location of Recovery: Lynchwood, ███ ████Current Status: In storage; pending destruction

Item Description: A 2kg block of gorgonzola cheese, which will continuously emit 1970s disco-funk at 65dB when within 12m of any male with a moustache.Date of Recovery: 01-01-2000Location of Recovery: AltMod Discoteque, Antwerp, BelgiumCurrent Status: In storage at all-female Site 12

Item Description: An empty portrait frame, area of 1.25 m x 0.75 m. Anyone who makes eye-contact with the object will see it as a portrait of themselves. Staring at this object more than 2 minutes will result in death.Date of Recovery: 11-08-1999Location of Recovery: Sicily, ItalyCurrent Status: In storage

Item Description: A 20cm x 20cm x 20cm wooden block that casts a shadow shaped like a common house cat.Date of Recovery: 02-03-2016Location of Recovery:Lisbon, PortugalCurrent Status: Dr. ████████'s office

Item Description: A Slinky able to turn corners.Date of Recovery: 01-03-2016Location of Recovery: Toronto, CanadaCurrent Status: Undergoing testing in CN Tower stairwellNotes: Also crosses short landings, up to 1.4m, as long as there are more stairs.

Item Description: A human brain in a mobile vat of nutrients, equipped with camera and speech synthesiser. It claims to be Zargox Quaglofan, 23rd century secret agent on a temporal mission to prevent the rise of the Insectoid Empire in 1976.Date of Recovery: 09-23-2011Location of Recovery: A crater at Site 136Current Status: Head of Records, Site 136Notes: It appears to be delusional, but it's a very good file clerk. - Dr. Danger

Item Description: A titanium spork. Any food eaten with this utensil will be perceived to be slightly less spicy than the maximum the eater is readily capable of tolerating. No chemical changes to the food, or physiological changes to the user are noted, this item only affects perception.Date of Recovery: 04-16-2016Location of Recovery: The Site 88 cafeteria.Current Status: In the Site 88 general storage wing, small item storage locker.Notes: Correction — It's supposed to be in the storage locker, but keeps ending up back in the cafeteria utensil rack. I better not catch whoever keeps doing this. - Dr. Rachasthani

Item Description: A toilet. Any animal that comes into contact with the toilet will burst into laughter even if they don't have the vocal cords to do so.Date of Recovery: 02-12-2005Location of Recovery: The Site-66 bathroom.Current Status: Broken after Dr. █████ dropped item during transport to Site-66 Storage Room.

Item Description: A white sock that whenever worn, turns out to be inside out, completely independent from how to sock was actually put on.Date of Recovery: 01-04-2002Location of Recovery: Originally in possession of Agent ██████Current Status: In storage

Item Description: A brown paper grocery bag. When placed on the head of a human being, the wearer's face cannot be revealed in any way other than removing the bag on their own. Any other attempts will remove the bag, only to reveal another bag underneath, still covering the head of the wearer. Removed copies no longer display anomalous effect. Attempts to cut holes in the bag have failed. Deceased subjects do not seem to trigger anomalous effect in the object.Date of Recovery: 04-13-2009Location of Recovery: A ████████ Supermarket location in ██████, ██, in employee break room.Current Status: In storage

Item Description: A retractable pen with a spring-based clicker. In addition to the two states such a pen would normally have (retracted and extended), there exists a 'third' state where the pen tip appears to retract and extend again; when attempting to write in this third state, the pen will start making a continuous, bass-heavy noise as it makes contact with the writing surface. Disassembly of the pen has revealed no origin as to the source of the sound; the anomalous effect only functions when the pen is completely reassembled.Date of Recovery: 08-16-2015Location of Recovery: ███████████ High School, █████ USACurrent Status: In storage, Site-23

Item Description: A copper fountain in a public space outside [REDACTED]. During the daytime, the fountain does not display any anomalous properties; however, at any point in the night after 22:30 when the fountain is not being observed, all coins at the bottom of the fountain will inexplicably disappear. Inexplicably, this will only occur if there are at least 1945cm3 of water in the fountain.Date of Recovery: 16/02/20██Location of Recovery: ██████, Czech RepublicCurrent Status: Disassembled in a Foundation-owned warehouse.Notes: The groundskeeper at the location of recovery was aware of the fountain's anomalous property, but didn't report it because 'it made his job easier'. I sympathise, but still, with the length of time he's been exposed to the anomaly, I'd recommend a Class-E amnestic for him. - Agent █████

I'll look into clearing it with the Ethics Committee. And as for the people telling me this should recieve full SCP status- it's a fountain that eats your coins. Nothing more. - Dr. Ryken

Item Description: A whiteboard that anything written on it perfectly mirrors itself within 20 minutes.Date of Recovery: ██/██/19██Location of Recovery: █████ ███████ SchoolCurrent Status: In storage

Item Description: A silver wristwatch which, when laid on any surface, will soft boil an egg placed inside it. No other anomalous properties recorded.Date of Recovery: 05/03/20██Location of Discovery: ██████████, New Mexico.Current Status: In the possession of Dr. Michael ███████ for personal use.Notes: "This is Absolutely useless, however, it does make preparing lunch at work easier as i don't have to wait to use the stove in the kitchen. No, you can't have it, it's mine!" - Dr. Michael ███████

Item Description: An open case of 20 tubes of hair gel. Application of the hair gel to the scalp of any primate will cause hair to grow, recede, or change length until the primate's hair resembles a 1980s style mullet.Date of Recovery: 08/12/2016Location of Discovery: Basement of █████ Barber Shop, Waxahachie, TXCurrent Status: In Site-17 storage.
Notes: Product appears to be mislabeled. All packaging indicates the product will give the user a 1950s pompadour.

Item Description: A large conch seashell, 30 cm in length. When the opening is held to a human ear, a dial tone is produced from within the shell. No method of dialing the item (if such is possible) has yet been determined.Date of Recovery: 04/05/2012Location of Discovery: Obtained from the seashore of Mindil Beach, Australia.Current Status: Functioning as an aquarium decoration in Site-82.

Item Description: A wireless black PlayStation 4 controller that will connect to Nintendo 64 entertainment consoles and nothing else. Tests have shown that all internals of the controller are unmodified and correctly programmed yet there is still no understanding of how N64s receive the signal broadcasted by the controller.Date of Recovery: 01/24/2016Location of Discovery: Obtained from a house in █████████, CaliforniaCurrent Status: In storage. Request for transfer to Area 43 break room pending.

Item Description: A mundane hockey puck. Slides across all surfaces it is placed on, with no observable friction.Date of Recovery: 03/04/2016Location of Discovery: Surrendered by the ice hockey club of Darwin, Australia.Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A coverless book with 50 pages, when opened it will display pages from different parts of different novels and books, there are no set patterns to what pages that appears in it. The pages will randomise again if book is closed and reopened.Date of Recovery: ██/ ██/1988Location of Discovery: On a bookshelf in a public library located in ████████, Hong Kong.Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A small white dresser. Upper drawer contains different assortment of items each time it is opened, usually consistent with mundane drawer clutter. Any items placed inside are no longer present when the drawer is closed and reopened. The lower drawer similarly shifts contents, but instead is always uniformly filled with a single substance or collection of identical objects; previously observed examples include shale gravel, pine pitch, unmarked gold ingots, 1985 US pennies with identical scratches and surface features, 150 chrome steel objects of uncertain function, Bing cherries, and crushed woodwind reeds.Date of Recovery: 10/14/2003Location of Discovery: ███████, ██, during a raid on a known Marshall, Carter, and Dark warehouse.Current Status: Low-risk Anomalous Item storage.
Notes: After brief testing, item was determined to be non-hazardous. Request for further testing as a possible disposal for hazardous items is pending.

Item Description: A karaoke machine. Anyone who talks in the microphone will have their voice changed to that of a Japanese teenage girl, with anything spoken or sung being automatically translated as well. The voice itself varies slightly from person to person.Date of Recovery: ██/██/2002Location of Discovery: A nightclub in █████ PrefectureCurrent Status: Stationed at Site-32's break room for recreation.

Item Description: A vial of white powder that is capable of causing severe headaches.Date of Recovery: [REDACTED]Location of Discovery: Brooklyn, New YorkCurrent Status: Destroyed in incinerator I-22.

Item Description: A self reviewing note book. A short piece of criticism will be written after any text written in the book. As well as reviewing fiction for its value as a novel it appears to be able to fact check both fiction and nonfiction and will suggest potential improvements.Date of Recovery: █████Location of Discovery: A book of the week club in ██ Spain.Current Status: In storage at site 14, suggestion for use as an aid to research in anomalous and main stream studies pending approval.

Item Description: A single feather that appears to be constantly changing in color, the feather's color seems to change approximately every two seconds. When music is played within a 12 meter radius, the feather reacts to this stimuli by changing colors much quicker than normal, much like a strobe light, the speed of which it changes seems to vary depending on the speed, beat, tone, and tempo of the song/music being played.Date of Recovery: 07/2█/20██Location of Discovery: Found in what appears to be an old and abandoned club in ██████, Philippines.Current Status: Kept in storage and used during Christmas parties.

Item Description: A maths textbook whose contents can only be remembered by smoking the pages. Pages regenerate after thirty minutes.Date of Recovery: 16/7/2010Location of Recovery: █████ █████, AustraliaCurrent Status: In storage

Item Description: A man in his mid-30's, capable of twirling any object on his index finger at extreme speeds, regardless of size, mass, chemical composition, or shape of said object in relation to his own body.Date of Recovery: 03/06/2012Location of Recovery: Sunderland, Massachusetts, North AmericaCurrent Status: In low-threat humanoid containment, Site-12

Item Description: A █████████ █████ brand record player. Only plays "What is Love?" by Haddaway, no matter what record is placed in it.Date of Recovery: 05/25/2011Location of Recovery: A record store in Kiev, UkraineCurrent Status: In the office of Dr. ███████, at his personal request.What? I really like the song. - Dr. ███████

Item Description: A goldfish which produces a constant stream of fresh water from its mouth at the rate of 10.9 L/s.Date of Recovery: 12/10/2016Location of Recovery: Rhodehampton, New South WalesCurrent Status: Forcibly imploded following a blockage in the drainage system for its tank.

Item Description: A stainless steel shovel which is unable to dig a hole produces large quantities of granite in the vicinity of the shovelhead.Date of Recovery: 27/02/2015Location of Recovery: Rhodehampton, New South WalesCurrent Status:Incinerated Incineration failed following the incineration chamber being filled with granite. Disposed of at the Site-45 Off-Shore Disposal Center Removed from the area after the granite produced by the object caused an imminent risk of the rig's structural integrity failing. Current proposals for disposal include transfer to Lunar Area-32 and disposal via extrauniversal anomalies.

Item Description: A blank portrait sized canvas similar in appearance to SCP-1074. Whenever a memetic or info hazardous object is painted on the canvas, it will transfer into the painting. (Yes, even SCP-1074 itself.)Date of Recovery: 7/11/2016Location of Recovery: Augusta, Kansas.Current Status: Deemed neutralized once SCP-055 was painted onto the canvas. Last seen in a containment locker in Site 17.How the hell did someone manage to draw 055 onto this? -Dr. ████

Item Description: A cube constructed of concrete which will produce a sap from the ████ tree every two (2) to four (4) hours. Sap has been tested but has proven to have no anomalous properties.Date of Recovery: ██/20/1998Location of Recovery: [REDACTED], SwitzerlandCurrent Status: In the storage of Area 01 Site 17 with weekly cleaning from Janitorial Crews. Personnel under the security level of two (2) should not be permitted near the object following the near destruction of the object by Dr. James Write.Note: I'm surprised that the sap has no anomalous properties. I mean, where does it come from? How is the sap made? Maybe it's a hidden form of teleportation! - Dr. Houston

Item Description: A Mac-Book that when any video is played using the device will redirect to a video of Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up.Date of Recovery: ██/██/200█Location of Recovery: █████,ArizonaCurrent Status: Maintenance after unknown damaging of screenDid this computer just rick roll me? -Dr. Animus

Item Description: A D20 die that will never land on anything greater than 5Date of Recovery: ██/██/2016Location of Recovery: ██████ D.N.D. clubCurrent Status: In Site-██'s storage closet

Item Description: A signed picture of Ethan Klein from the YouTube channel "h3h3Productions", that causes the viewer to cough until it is taken out of their line of sight.Date of Recovery: ██/██/2016Location of Recovery: In the personal collection of the deceased ██████ ████Current Status: In a low-value containment locket at Site-37.Site personnel are not to place bets on how long they can look at this item for. Also, whoever found this, keep it up, proud of you. - Site Director Levy

Item Description: A Standard Computer Keyboard, Connected By A USB Cord. When The Peripheral Is Connected To Any Computer, It Automatically Capitalizes All Words Typed By It. There Are No Apparent Restrictions To This Effect.Date of Recovery: 11/09/2016Location of Recovery: ████ ███████, Ohio, USACurrent Status: Connected To The PC Of Dr. ███████Note: I Don't Mind Typing Like This. It's Pretty Fun To Piss People Off With It. - Dr. ███████

Item Description: A Northern Mockingbird (Mimus polyglottus) that can imitate any human phrase spoken to it. However, it always repeats these phrases in German, regardless of what language they were initially spoken in.Date of Recovery: 11/14/2016Location of Recovery: [REDACTED], North CarolinaCurrent Status: In a low-security animal containment unit at Site-65

Item Description: A combat knife with a serrated blade and a wooden handle. whenever this knife is used with the intention of harm the knife blade will disappear through unknown means. This event is un-observable and happens instantaneously. When in this anomalous state any person(s) "stabbed" with the knife will instantaneously and unavoidably whisper the phrase "I'm dead" and lie down. After about 4 minutes the victim will reawaken unharmed with no recollection of the event.Date of Recovery: 5/09/2016Location of Recovery: ██████████/███Current Status: Secured in Site-78's Non-sentient storage wingNote: When we found this █████ wouldn't stop stabbing me with it. Couldn't stop the bastard either. - ████████ from Recovery Team ███

Item Description: A purple and black mechanical pencil. Examination shows no brand names or logos anywhere on the surface of the object. When the top of the mechanical pencil is pushed down it reveals standard pencil lead. Testing reveals that although the pencil only seems to have 10 cm of this lead every time the top is pushed down more appears instantaneously. Any attempts to remove the pencil lead from the object have resulted in failure.Date of Recovery: 7/5/2007Location of Recovery: █████████ Secondary School. █████████, ███████Current Status:In possession of Assistant Researcher ███████. Lost.

Item Description: A 36 year old Caucasian male who constantly demands physical contact with human beings, despite being completely inside-out. He doesn't show the need to breathe, eat, drink or excrete waste matter. A translucent secretion covers his body which causes all homo sapiens who come into contact with it to explode violently in a matter of seconds.Date of Recovery: 12-25-2008Location of Recovery: Found wandering the streets in Los Angeles, CaliforniaCurrent Status: Contained in a sealed chamber in Site-88's sentient anomaly wing.Note: Under no circumstances are personnel to use the secreted goo for pranks or practical jokes. Remember the golden rule, you wouldn't want someone to make you explode with shiny goo from a strange inside-out man. - Dr. Blackbox

Item Description: A 3 liter sample of freshwater in a standard soda bottle that does not change its physical state regardless of temperature.Date of Recovery: 11-25-2014Location of Recovery: ██████ office building in ███████, Florida.Current Status: In storage at Site-███.

Item Description: A volcano-shaped cake that erupts approximately every 30 days with either red, luminescent icing or 1500 degrees centigrade lava. The cake is both immune to this lava and doesn't go stale. The item has no place to store either of the liquids it eruptsDate of Recovery: 04-13-2007Location of Recovery: A pompeiian bakery.Current Status:Held in Site-██ Cafeteria cold-storage Went into dormancy after being exposed to continual cold-storage temperatures. Currently in heated room to attempt to 'revive' the item.

Item Description: A monarch butterfly (Danaus plexippus) approximately 7.5x smaller than average members of its species (measured 5 millimeters in wingspan)Date of Recovery: 03-13-2016Location of Recovery: ████████, MexicoCurrent Status:Contained within a terrarium in Site-66 Deceased as of 07/25/2016

Item Description: A Heckler & Koch HK416 D10RS carbine. When the fire selector is set to a setting other than "Safe", any lifeform who comes in contact with the weapon will spontaneously hear the song "Shoot to Thrill" by the band AC/DC playing on a loop for as long as they remain in contact.Date of Recovery: 04-11-2016Location of Recovery: ██████ gun show, Texas, United StatesCurrent Status: In storage at Site-19. Available at request for firing range usage.

Item Description: A name tag with the name "Steve" written on the front. Upon placing the name tag on a person's chest, the person will claim that their name has always been Steve, regardless of gender.Date of Recovery: 08-16-2016Location of Recovery: ██████ CO, United StatesCurrent Status: In storage at Site-17

Item Description: An Armenian style crucifix that emits high pitched squeals by unknown means when exposed to poultry products.Date of Recovery: 04-17-19██Location of Recovery: ██████, ArmeniaCurrent Status: In a safe located at Site-19.

Item Description: A chess set made from English Oak. When the pieces are moved on the board they generate specific sounds audible only to the players. Moving a piece creates sounds similar to clanging metal or galloping horses, while removing a piece from play generates sounds of punching or clashing metal. At the end of a game a trumpet fanfare will play for 3 seconds.Date of Recovery: 13-02-1992Location of Recovery: ████ █████ ███ █████ Primary School, SerbiaCurrent Status: In the Area 53 break room.