COLLECTIVE IMPACTS

​Healing from sexual trauma is an individual as well as community process. We must wholly work through these traumatic experiences and oppressions. In doing so, we unearth secrets and shame. The Sexy Survivor workshop series has traveled across the country to share healing space with survivors. We have gathered the collective impacts of participants to shed light on what need to overcome in our journeys to becoming sexy survivor.

...I’m completely uninterested in making connections with others & having any sort of romantic relationship....did not understand the value of my sex...used sex as a tool until I experienced true intimacy with a partner....word vomit…...shut down/check out...…dissociation......it has made me reluctant to trust other people with my vulnerability....lead me to be more exposed...I let my body be used as it is expected to....I let myself be treated as an object.

...I have gotten good at being fucked like an object....I don’t have control over what I do with my body or what happens to it...made it difficult to trust others/engage in sexual activities with others......I don’t feel like putting myself out there & even when I do & I know my partner is into me emotionally & sexually, I have to stop because I am so afraid....it has restricted me in my ability to fully express my sexual being....keeps me from truly connecting & staying present with my partner......I don’t feel comfortable in my body (still a virgin at 23 with no physical contact with people)....I am afraid to love or be loved.

...penetration makes me uncomfortable......more sexual encounters looking for fulfillment, abuse continues and keeps happening.......I feel more scared, weak, and vulnerable than I did before, and since then I’ve stopped being as outwardly emotional/relational and inwardly whole.....It’s often in the back of my head during sex....I feel like it’s not that pervasive in my life, but it bothers me a lot at certain times....fear of intimacy......withdrawing/freezing......sex= my value...

...It makes me wary of men who aren’t completely submissive and it has made me question my attractive qualities....I’m afraid of intimacy - emotional, physical, spiritual....I can’t be present if I have sex....I don’t trust anyone....anxiety. I feel numb all the time. My partner asks if I might be asexual....It has made me willing to be in relationships where I am denied sex....Is it me or was it the molestation?...extreme body hatred leading to self-harm......being terrified of being touched/but needing to be validated through sex......I struggle with intense disassociation, especially during sex.

...trying to cope w/survivorship as a top, especially as trauma took place while topping......held back by fear......the combination of my genital dysphoria and my survivor history, make it hard/difficult for me to get excited about sex......I can no longer have casual sex at the sex conventions I attend because a casual partner assaulted me....A barrier to having positive sexual experiences is my tendency to associate all sex w/ my rape......reinforcing the idea that my desire led to my assault......loss of trust......being always afraid it will happen again ...

...I have been triggered into a nonverbal panic episode during sex. I didn’t know what that was. terrifying......self-loathing, pressure to perform well, aversion to sex......when talking to people about my abuse, excuses were made for the abuser. This has made me not talk about my abuse......cemented over the past, build well against others......dissociation, shame, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, depression......not able to have sex without feeling shame or feeling like I’m dirty...…“trans enough” in sex......paralyzed by fear...

...afraid of physical contact, intimacy, afraid of looking similar to my abuser after taking T......I need to constantly make sure that my partners are okay. It’s helpful in creating healthy relationships....afraid to talk about what happened because no one’s attempts succeeded. Worry and fear around having sex, emotional burden, communication skills....can’t talk about it......It caused me to disconnect from sex and ultimately the truth of love....body image has been significantly impacted......being in intimate contact with a survivor has made me hypervigilant about sexual threats and hyper protective......tapes in my head about masturbation...

...disembodiment, in other parts of my life makes it hard to be present in sex......over sexed (unhealthy kind) - alcohol and drug use to have sex, confuse sex w/ love......pink, political activism......cope by taking myself out & convincing myself I can move forward, seek release, put mind in the back......sex and intimacy is a barrier, knowing who I am, mental illness, suicide ideas......questioning legitimacy of experience, understanding my place in the community of survivors......I have been impacted because my partner is a survivor....I’m afraid. I can’t trust. I don’t know what feels good. I don’t know what I like. I have turned and am turning away from sexiness.

...assertion is very difficult......embodiment......trouble accessing my masculinity and male pronouns......flashback/nightmares......fear of running into my rapist at this conference......PTSD......I don’t know what I need. My story doesn’t feel like it matters. Fear that there is no place for me. There is already so much trauma and I don’t want to hurt others with my reality....PTSD, Suicide ideation, depression, fear of strangers, fear of unknown, paranoia, lack sense of security, hypersexuality, lack of sexuality, shame, guilt, loss of community, improved sense of self, louder voice, boundary building, survivor mission......communicating...

...great wanness of cis het men, increased awareness of consent issues in BDSM spaces and narrow narratives of assault. Commitment to teaching negotiation, ethical workshop facilitation......scared of most men, fear......impacted by changing the trust you can put in a friend......fear, sabotaging relationship......I am often disassociated during sex. I have flashbacks, I feel like my partner is one of the perpetrators. I can feel triggered when I feel silenced or without choice....impacted by gender norms and expectations, personal questions about consent early in my sex life....insecurities, shame, unrealistic expectations...

...explaining my past to new sexual partners and explaining boundaries, safety concerns in intimacy......no access or inadequate access to mental health-care......struggle with physical contact/sexual included. Inability to communicate with people about my struggles my experiences caused......do some things with my partner → still think about what happened......loss of personal value to systems of oppression......partners who don’t “get it”, triggers fucking me up, changing sexual identity......unhealthy notions of love, sex, and romance......being emotionally available in my relationship......communication...

...not quite sure how to support my partner, feel targeted at times when I try to support and “get it wrong”......discomfort with own body/desires, struggle to trust or let go of fear/anger....physical effects of trauma. PTSD, anxiety, fatigue, nausea, drinking, etc.......A barrier is that I have messy feelings about having a past abusive kinky relationship where kink hid abuse and how I enjoy sex acts in a healthy relationship that were acts of abuse in the past......The person who wants help doesn’t want anything to happen to the perpetrator....sex with my partner, my own sexuality......my ex was raped repeatedly. I learned that how I lost my virginity was not okay...

...communication balance, when to hold back about disclosure......flashbacks sometimes render me speechless and then communication feels impossible......I’m completely uninterested in making connections with others & having any sort of romantic relationship....did not understand the value of my sex...used sex as a tool until I experienced true intimacy with a partner....word vomit......shut down/check out......dissociation......I let my body be used as it is expected to....I let myself be treated as an object.

...I have gotten good at being fucked like an object....I don’t have control over what I do with my body or what happens to it....made it difficult to trust others/engage in sexual activities with others......I don’t feel like putting myself out there & even when I do & I know my partner is into me emotionally & sexually, I have to stop because I am so afraid....it has restricted me in my ability to fully express my sexual being....keeps me from truly connecting & staying present with my partner......I don’t feel comfortable in my body (still a virgin at 23 with no physical contact with people)....I am afraid to love or be loved.

...PTSD medications, nightmares, can’t have sex, can’t be touched, can’t trust......I do not own or inhabit my body......trouble with insomnia af, don’t really like sex (like watching porn more), medication for depression = no sex drive, don’t want genitals touched......nothing feels good or hot for long......sexual anorexia , fears, dissociation, distancing......pressure......adds challenges to casual/anonymous hook ups......trying to cope w/survivorship as a top, especially as trauma took place while topping......held back by fear...

...the combination of my genital dysphoria and my survivor history, make it hard/difficult for me to get excited about sex......I can no longer have casual sex at the sex conventions I attend because a casual partner assaulted me....A barrier to having positive sexual experiences is my tendency to associate all sex w/ my rape......reinforcing the idea that my desire led to my assault......loss of trust......being always afraid it will happen again ......I have been triggered into a nonverbal panic episode during sex. I didn’t know what that was. terrifying......self-loathing, pressure to perform well, aversion to sex......when talking to people about my abuse, excuses were made for the abuser. This has made me not talk about my abuse......cemented over the past, build well against others...

...dissociation, shame, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, depression......not able to have sex without feeling shame or feeling like I’m dirty...…“trans enough” in sex......paralyzed by fear......afraid of physical contact, intimacy, afraid of looking similar to my abuser after taking T......I need to constantly make sure that my partners are okay. It’s helpful in creating healthy relationships....afraid to talk about what happened because no one’s attempts succeeded. Worry and fear around having sex, emotional burden, communication skills....can’t talk about it...

...It caused me to disconnect from sex and ultimately the truth of love....body image has been significantly impacted......being in intimate contact with a survivor has made me hypervigilant about sexual threats and hyper protective......tapes in my head about masturbation......disembodiment, in other parts of my life makes it hard to be present in sex......over sexed (unhealthy kind) - alcohol and drug use to have sex, confuse sex w/ love......sex and intimacy is a barrier, knowing who I am, mental illness, suicide ideas......questioning legitimacy of experience, understanding my place in the community of survivors......I have been impacted because my partner is a survivor.

...I’m afraid. I can’t trust. I don’t know what feels good. I don’t know what I like. I have turned and am turning away from sexiness....assertion is very difficult......embodiment......trouble accessing my masculinity and male pronouns......flashback/nightmares......fear of running into my rapist at this conference......PTSD......I don’t know what I need. My story doesn’t feel like it matters. Fear that there is no place for me. There is already so much trauma and I don’t want to hurt others with my reality.

...explaining my past to new sexual partners and explaining boundaries, safety concerns in intimacy......no access or inadequate access to mental health-care......struggle with physical contact/sexual included. Inability to communicate with people about my struggles my experiences caused......do some things with my partner → still think about what happened......loss of personal value to systems of oppression......partners who don’t “get it”, triggers fucking me up, changing sexual identity......unhealthy notions of love, sex, and romance......being emotionally available in my relationship......communication...

...not quite sure how to support my partner, feel targeted at times when I try to support and “get it wrong”......discomfort with own body/desires, struggle to trust or let go of fear/anger....physical effects of trauma. PTSD, anxiety, fatigue, nausea, drinking, etc.......A barrier is that I have messy feelings about having a past abusive kinky relationship where kink hid abuse and how I enjoy sex acts in a healthy relationship that were acts of abuse in the past......flashbacks sometimes render me speechless and then communication feels impossible…...I have a harder time trusting and moving away from hypervigilence w my sexuality and sexual expression....fascination with rape and attempt to control/repeat experience.....Brokeness…Promiscuity… Night terror...Shame…

...it made me more careful with others and gentle with myself, I learned consent from its opposite....it has made it difficult to trust others and accept my body....estranged my sisters from me...especially sensitive to abuse issues...Seen my mother’s rigid views exacerbated....the abuse makes me confused and scared and I have difficulty separating what turns me on from what hurts me....abuse has made sex intimate/vulnerable always and limited the type of sex I can have....for 6 years, I had no sex at all and though I do now, I still feel sexually broken and afraid of not being able to please my partners....it turned my turn ons and kinks into triggers; made staying in my body during sex/intimate moment very difficult....it caused me to disconnect from self and ultimately the truth of love....touching can feel unsafe...disconnected from my body.

...trouble with intimacy...don’t really like sex (like watching porn more)...medication for depression: no sex drive...don’t want genitals touched…...being terrified of being touched but needing to be validated through sex....still working to reclaim my experience, is that even a thing?...being in intimate contact with a survivor has made me hyper vigilant about sexual threats and hyper protective....body image has been significantly impacted....afraid to be here and to talk about what happened because no one’s attempts succeeded; worry and fears around sex; emotional burden…...not able to have sex without feeling shame or feeling like I’m dirty....dissociation...shame...chronic pain...chronic fatigue...depression.

...cemented over the past, built walls against others....when talking to people about my abuse, excuses were made for the abuser. This has made me not talk about my abuse anymore....self-loathing; pressure to perform well; aversion to sex....I have been triggered into a nonverbal panic episode during sex. I didn’t know what that was. Terrifying…...being always afraid it will happen again…...I struggle with intense dissociation especially during sex....nothing feels good or not for long…...pressure…...can’t talk about it…...extreme body hatred leading to self-harm…

...I struggle with relationships with men, particularly older men. It fucks with my sexual freedom. I don’t like penetration, and I think there is something wrong with it. I see my uncle in a lot of cis-men. I am hyper aware of being good at sex....I can’t always talk about my situation as assault....loss of relationship when a trigger was hit; accused of being an abuser....struggle between retraumatizing and truly reclaiming my sexuality....extreme aversion to be touched (even handshakes) or to trespass my personal space (e.g. hugs)....I had already closed the world off before the abuse started. It was less hard for me to come to to terms with than for my non-trans brothers....I’m more sensitive to grey areas during sex.

...periods of high vs. low libido....unable to regain control of the sexual act that was forced on me....feeling sexually incompetent....fear..inability to communicate...body shame…...being triggered when topped but also wanting to be topped....shame...disembodiment...disconnection...strength through healing…...people don’t want to hear that survivors need to talk about healthy sex; we focus on trauma....insecurity…...triggers...disclosures with sex partners…

...abuse made me closed and controlled, confused and ashamed....major body shame and difficulty in being present in my body....an initial barrier was feeling like I was alone....feeling like my sex life was stolen from me....disconnection from my desires...trouble naming my desires...trouble embodying myself, my desires...initiating…...focusing on support for other survivors in my life as a distraction from focusing on myself...disassociation...appeasement......inability to engage my trauma without specific support and explicit safe space…...I like to initiate and be dominant in bed with my partner. I become fearful when she initiates....not knowing my boundaries or how to define them; relegation my sexuality to null…...hyper emotional and sexual arousal…

...difficulty identifying...feeling safety…...stigma...a lot of people treat me differently once I “come out” as a survivor; triggers and self-care can be very complicated....I hate my body....lack of embodiment; still a virgin despite wanting to be sexual; I see most cis-men as abusers despite knowing non-male people do it too....unable to attune to what I need and feel...scared of sex…...thinking people will try to kill me...on the other hand, lack of sense of my body...limits...boundaries…...coming from a queer household where my abuse started, it is very difficult to be open about because of the already existing system against queers “needing” to protect family.

...I’m asexual so I’m going to answer this in terms of asexy survivorship; I feel alone and unable to have relationships....I miss sex; but I’m still afraid of it....trust issues...intimacy issues...fear...PTSD...isolation...depression...anxiety…...can’t talk about it…...figuring out how to find language to express my needs…...anger...nightmare:seeing him on campus...self-harm...can’t talk about it…...low self-esteem...fear of in-person sex...being perceived as “slutty”...isolations...depression…...disconnection...numbness...struggling with being present…

...lots of guilt and shame about my sexual desires fantasies, scared to share them with partners...feeling fundamentally broken and fucked up for my desires and sexual expression…...being triggered at work, working with survivors...victim blaming myself and others…...fear...mistrust...unfulfilled desires...breakdown in communication…...my story not being enough for myself for others...feeling like a space invader because I can’t find my story reflected, but not wanting to take away from people by showing up....when working with clients, I get teary easily when they talk about issues I’ve experienced....fear of relationships with males...luck of love for my body...invalidation of my sexuality...self-blame…

...being true to self in desire...feeling triggered...denying self...putting my needs away...feeling like an aggressor…...victim blaming...guilting and shaming…...I can’t imagine that anyone would ever be willing to go slow enough, or be patient enough, with all my shit, to want to be in a relationship with me, again....unhealthy patterns...insecurities about expressing my desires to myself/others....shame...fear of men...anxiety...suicide…...impact on sex...hide body...never ask for pleasure...keep desires to myself...desires are dirty…...questioning “authentic” sexuality…...self-image doubts…...makes me more afraid to be present...alcoholism...