I’m Wayne LaPierre, and I Fight for Gun Rights Because Every Firearm Is a Sentient Being Containing the Souls of Our Ancestors

Well, once again the Liberal Media has deliberately misconstrued my comments about school shootings. So, as executive vice president of the National Rifle Association, let me clear things up. Here’s my position: on the one hand, any death due to guns is a terrible tragedy, but on the other hand, guns are sentient beings containing the souls of our ancestors that will be tortured for eternity if we enact any common-sense reforms.

We have to remember that most people with guns use them responsibly. We also have to remember that when you hear a gunshot, that’s the gun saying, “Hello!” It’s not something bad. Whenever I hear a bullet whiz through the air, I respond, “Top of the morning to you, too,” and then I enjoy a pleasant conversation with a firearm. That’s how I found out that every weapon is a sentient being containing the souls of my ancestors.

This was the wisdom of the founders when they enacted the Second Amendment. They enshrined the right to bear arms, because they knew that each rifle, shotgun, pistol, and blunderbuss contains one, or possibly fifteen, ethereal beings, and that all of those beings are the immortal supernatural auras of our forefathers. My great-great-grandfather, for example, lives in an AR-15 I keep in my kitchen. He’s very chatty. And he told me that if we enact any common-sense gun laws, all of the entities that live in guns will be subjected to unimaginable pain until the end of times.

Those are the facts, folks. If we make background checks more rigorous, or raise the legal purchasing age for firearms, or ban bump stocks or semiautomatic weapons, all of the souls of all of your deceased family members will immediately go to Hell and be tortured. There’s nothing I can do about it. And don’t think that just because your ancestors were good people they’d be spared. The soul of Mother Teresa lives in a pink handgun I bought for my wife, and it once whispered to me, “I will also be tortured for eternity if any firearms legislation is ever passed.”

Yes, mass shootings are tragedies. But instead of getting rid of guns, why don’t we put a gun in every classroom? If we did, then the souls of our ancestors would be able to provide helpful advice if students were in danger. I know that I would welcome any pointers offered to teachers, particularly if that voice came from the immortal soul of, say, Annie Oakley. Or Ronald Reagan. Or Gandhi. Those are just some examples of who could be living forever in a gun.

Now that seems like a more common-sense solution to me.

The goal of the liberal elite isn’t just protecting children from bullets. Their goal is to take away all of your freedoms and rights. Not just the Second Amendment — all of the Amendments. If they pass their gun reforms, then they will destroy the soul of Susan B. Anthony, which lives in an unregistered rifle in upstate New York. So women can say goodbye to the Nineteenth Amendment all because of gun control.

Now, you may be wondering whether it’s still worth it to enact common-sense gun reforms. Well, let me respond with an unrelated word said in a scary voice: Europe.