Friday, July 1, 2016

NOTHING SUCCEEDS LIKE SECESSION

Get a dictionary, moron.

According
to a 2014 Reuters poll, almost one-quarter of American citizens would like their
state to secede from the rest of the country.

Of
course, ever since the Civil War, secession has always been a dirty word. But if you discover that 53% of those people polled identify with the Tea Party, does it really seem like such a bad thing anymore?

So after much thoughtful deliberation, I’ve come up with a way to
please citizens of all states who either want to stay or go. It would take
years of planning and several billion dollars to get the job done. But
considering just how utterly, perhaps permanently divided a nation we are, it
would be worth it.

For a price.

Ladies
and gentlemen, I offer you the Republic of Tea, formerly known as Wisconsin.

I
choose Wisconsin because of its small population and obvious political
leanings. Current Wisconsinites who wish to remain American citizens will
receive a one-time government stipend to help relocate to the state of their
choice. All will be provided with free training for new employment; many will
receive a guaranteed job. (More on that later.)

However, anyone who wants to move to the Republic of Tea will have to pay
a $5,000 flip tax to their state government. Using the figures in the poll, that would be 80,000,000 people contributing a total of

$400,000,000,000 to paying for the project. That's so many zeroes, I have no idea what the hell number it is. (If anyone wants to double-check those numbers, please do, and get in touch if I'm wrong. I want people to take this seriously.)

The
Republic of Tea’s laws, culture, and education will reflect whatever beliefs its
founders deem fit. Slavery good, science bad, Bible as law book – go ahead, Tea
citizens, knock yourselves out (please!). Remember, it’s your country to do
with as you wish.

Everyone
moving to the Republic of Tea will, of course, immediately forfeit their
American citizenship, and will no longer be subject to our “illegal” federal
taxes – the ones that paid for their former highways, public schools, Medicare,
etc. And once moving there, Tea people must live in their adopted homeland for
at least 20 years. You broke it, you bought it.

This
law, however, would be null and void for people born there – you know, anchor

babies – who believe that they don’t fit in. Examples would include LGBQT (and whatever letter is added in the future),
budding scientists, freethinkers, non-evangelicals, atheists, people who enjoy
sex for the sake of sex, etc. Upon reaching the age of consent, they would be
allowed free passage to any of the remaining 49 states. How else to keep the
Republic of Tea pure and godly?

The new I-94 in suburban Milwaukee.

Sounds
like a win-win for everybody. Except for one downside: the citizens of Tea who
have gotten used to the aforementioned highways, public schools, Medicare,
etc., may soon realize that their tax-free country will offer a rather, um, simpler way of life.

As a result, many Tea
people may find themselves yearning to sneak back into the US to take jobs away from hardworking
Americans. How dare they!

But
not to worry. Remember “those guaranteed jobs for many” mentioned earlier?
Every ex-Wisconsinite moving to one of the states bordering their former home will
be immediately hired to help build a wall around the Republic of Tea. No way
are we going to allow an invasion of those illegal aliens!

There’s your solution, secessionists. I’ve just made your Utopia a reality. Just
don’t start acting all crazy and make us invade you. Because once we do, we’ll
never leave. And you really don’t
want to be part of the United States again, do you?

1 comment:

Jim V.
said...

Some facts:TEA Party is an acronym for "Taxed Enough Already". Personally, I donate about 48% of my income to the federal government and the State of California. Of course that's just income taxes, but for the sake of simplicity we'll limit our discussion to that. In exchange we get failing schools, a hollowed-out military that is begging for parts to keep jets in the air, a two trillion dollar national operating debt, over 200 trillion dollars in unfunded obligations (goodbye, social security), rising poverty, crumbling streets. (stop me when I say someone that's not accurate) So when politicians tell me I'm not paying my "fair share", an amount they never identify because we know it's never enough, and as a bonus, call me names like racist, bigot, xenophobe, anti-woman, anti-gay, anti-everything, all because I think this country is heading in the wrong direction (a feeling held by the majority of Americans according to recent polls), it's kind of easy to see why we're feeling abandoned by our elected officials. Americans clearly disagree on WHY we're at this place, WHO is primarily responsible for causing it and HOW it can be fixed, but please, don't diminish the feelings of millions of Americans who have genuine concerns about their country. Stop analyzing them and demonizing them.