What Do You Call the Kids in Your Stepfamily?

As the ranks of blended and nontraditional families expand, many parents are groping for a better way to label their relationships with their partner's children. As Jen C. explains, the "step" prefix can feel inadequate, and removing it can offend: “I absolutely adore my stepdaughter who is four and I have been in her life since she was one. But I hate the stigma when I introduce her as my stepdaughter. I am aware I am not her biological mother, and am afraid her mom will think I am trying to claim her as my kid if I call her my daughter. Any advice?”

As it turns out, there's little agreement, even among step-parents, on the ideal term. Many are aware that the way they refer to their step children can shape perceptions of the step-parent-step-child bond, both inside and outside of the family, and many have strong feelings about what they (and other family members) shouldn’t call step kids.

Ruth C., for instance, shuns the “step” prefix because she finds it fraught with negativity. “We have never been fond of the ‘step’ label when referring to ourselves or our children," she says. Referring to the four kids she and her new husband share in their blended family, she emphatically states, "They are not floor mats, they are children." Unfortunately, her mother-in-law does not feel the same:

“I also come from a broken home and know firsthand the pain of not being accepted by the new husband's family. I have made my opinion very clear on the subject, and yet my mother-in-law will still introduce my children as my ‘children from a previous marriage’ or as her son's ‘step-daughters,’ or as his ‘wife's children.’ The other day my daughter told her that her feelings were hurt by these phrases, and my mother-in-law responded with, ‘So what if I tell people he isn't your biological father, it’s not a big deal.”

Meredith W. also is not a big fan of calling the children in her blended family “step” kids.“I grew up in a ‘yours mine and ours' family,” she says. “No matter what other people thought or said, we knew we were a family and never used the word 'step' in our home."

But if you're dispensing with the "step" prefix, what are the alternatives? Here, Circle of Moms members in blended families weigh in on the various options and the controversies that surround them.

Calling Your Step Kids “My Kids”

Christine K. feels more than entitled to call her step son "my son." She has raised him without much help from his biological mom and reports that he calls her 'Mommy.' Her view, that your language should reflect your bond, is echoed by Megan K., who also dispenses with the "step" when referring to her stepchildren:

“I always introduce my twin stepdaughters as ‘my daughters. Once when I did that one looked up and said: ‘Well she didn't born us, but she is still my mom.’ I almost lost it (laughing that is). Kids say the darn-est things. She was seven when she said that.”

But there may be an even more important reason to lose the "step." Laura P. points out that the moniker you use speaks volumes about how you view the child in your heart. “I do not call my stepdaughter my stepdaughter to anyone because to me she is my child,” she says. “I also do not call myself her stepmother. If you are treating that child with love and you see her as your daughter how could that possibly be a bad thing?”

Renee H., mom to "three wonderful boys," one of whom is a stepson, agrees that in blended families all the children should be referred to as sons and daughters. “When I refer to [my stepson] I call him my son, or one of my boys.”

Creating A Special Name for Your Step Kids

Marcella N. is one of several step moms who feel the terminology problem is a call for creativity. She's a stepdaughter herself, and now that she's become a stepmom she's employing the same happy nickname she used with her own stepmom: bonus mom. “I am now a bonus mom myself with three beautiful bonus children. I love those kids as if they were my own and will continue to do so.”

Betty J. has also come up with an affectionate and clever way to refer to her stepdaughter. “When introducing my stepdaughter to people I say, ‘This is my Lucy.' When talking about her I often just call her my daughter and I really don't care what people think of it. It's not my job to point out to the world that she is my stepchild.”

Nicole G. and her husband refer to their blended family of children as “our kids," using pronouns to draw the distinctions between the ones they share biologically and the ones they each brought to the marriage:

In spite of lively conversations about alternatives to using "stepson" and "stepdaughter," quite a few moms in blended families prefer to hold on to these traditional labels. As Petra K. shares, in her family they reinforce important distinctions:

“I refer to mine as my stepson. I figure he already has a mom, and he loves her very much, so there is no need for me to try to fill that role for him.”

Julie G. agrees that "stepchild" is sufficient: “I have a 16-year-old stepson and have been with my husband since he was two,” she says. “I have never played mommy to my stepson and that is not to say I don't have thoughts and opinions regarding him, but as a stepdaughter myself I know there is a delicate balance to maintain between stepchildren and stepparents,” she says.

Well, I have never and will not force/suggest my stepkids use any other name than the nickname they have given me. Having said that, introducing them ALWAYS gets and feels awkward. I had to change it from, "I'm their stepmom" to "these are my husband's princess (name 1 + name 2)." After I made the change, the change was too obvious; people toned down the "suspicious" look, they didn't completely show their disdain for "stepmother", etc.
My stepdaughter has started to refer to me as "my other mommy" and it feels really uncomfortable. I know her moms' feelings, and I'm doing my best to honor them, but reconciling her feelings with my stepdaughter's feelings is a feat. I hate correcting her too because she'll usually respond something along the lines of, 'but you don't love me'..... soooo yeah.
My biggest annoyance comes from moms who assume we want to be referred to as "mom," and really- most of us don't.
I will tell you this, I know stepmoms who have their stepkids call them "mommy" only to not confuse things with their other kids. I understand both sides, so- yeah, awkward to say the least.

I'm surprised no one has commented on this article!
There is no right or wrong answer, it is different for every family because each family has been brought together in a different way!
I have a stepfather but have always known him as dad, he IS my dad and I am his daughter. (I have never met my birth father as he left during pregnancy.) He has been the only dad I have known and he came into my life at age 11 months.
However, my son has a stepfather but calls him by his first name. His stepfather came into his life at age 1 and a half and we started living together when he was 2. He knows his dad and sees him once or twice a month (eye roll).
Therefore, it makes sense that I call the only father figure in my life since infancy dad but my son calls his stepdad by his first name since he already has a dad.
My son is just turning 4 so it will be interesting to see how things develop over time and to see if he continues to call him by his first name or if at some point he will call him dad... Never know! Whatever he is comfortable with :)