Tuesday, May 4, 2010

FORT

I know this isn't a typical post..for me OR Fort. But I also know a lot of you might never get a chance to visit her if you would like to. I think Fort would be ok with this. Most of you probably know that we had JP moved to be with his mom. I think she would be ok with that too. His marker is at the foot of her grave. I can visit BOTH of them at the same place. I like that. That is HER signature under her picture - I took it from one of her scrapbooks and had it scanned...at the bottom it says "Loving wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt and friend".

I guess you probably all realize too that I have good days and not so good days. Yesterday I got home and had the nicest note from one of Melissa's roommates from OU.She shared some of her favorite memories of Fort...and of COURSE I cried. But I could read about Melissa and listen to stories about her ALL DAY LONG. It was so nice.Today I got home and had another pleasant surprise in the mail. Two weeks ago, I went to my first Compassionate Friends Meeting. I made a new friend who also lost her daughter, Erika. (we LOVE to hear our daughter's names!!!!) At the beginning of the meeting, she read a poem that pretty much said EXACTLY how I feel. Thought I'd share that with you too....

I Forgive...by Debbie Ortega

I've heard advice for the bereaved that forgivenessis an important part of "healing". I've worked hard at thatelusive forgiveness, and came to the realization today that I am actually able to forgive quite a lot.

* I forgive myself for not forgiving the people that caused mydaughters death. Some things are just not "forgiveable", and shewould understand.

*I forgive others for sharing their "miracles" with me, not understandinghow cruelly this attacks my heart, as I wonder where my daughter's miracle was.

*I forgive others for not understanding me. I don't understand anything either anymore, so I can't expect others to understand me either.

*I forgive myself for not being able to do all of the things I used to beable to do. I don't function as well as I used to, and that's okay.

*I forgive others for continuing to live in that other world where I once livedwith my daughter. It's a good world, and I miss it a lot.

*I forgive myself for no longer fitting into that world and not always beingable to fake it. I am different now.

*I forgive others for avoiding me. They don't know what to say and, quite frankly,that leaves me with nothing to say to them either.

*I forgive my daughter for leaving me. She loved life and she loved me.I believe she loves me still.

This is probably not what people mean when they say we need to "forgive", but it's the best I can do. It's enough that I can do anything at all, and maybe theywill forgive me as well.

(Debbie's 21 year old daughter, Angela, died in September 2007. In memory of herdaughter, Debbie is currently the editor of the TCF in Tracy, CA.)*****just a note...the ONLY part of the poem that doesn't fit me is the first one -I KNOW no one caused my daughter's death...in fact, I can't thank her doctors enough for everything they did....*****

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About Me

I changed the look again. Moving furniture takes too much effort. This seemed to fill that void. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fall and havent decided if Ill ever change this, although, a new seasonal header seems like fun. At the moment the summer is winding down, Im back on chemo for my fantastic THIRD relapse (and hopefully the last!), work knows my situation so Im not sneaking off on my lunch break to get blood work done, and everyones been great. Desperately seeking great health by the time fall rolls around. Theres way too much goin on.