NY Teens Don’t Have Time For Sex Because They’re Too Busy Playing Video Games

8 months ago

If you want a sign that humanity’s days on this planet are numbered, here you go. Teens in New York don’t have time to have sex with each other because they’re too busy playing videogames.

Who needs sex when there’s Breath of the Wild!

According to a 2015 biennial Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 45.6 percent of teens in New York spend more than three hours per day playing video games which is up 41.7 percent from two years prior. Now, teens love video games. That’s a safe assumption and it makes sense that that number would go up. What’s concerning is that with the percentage of teens living their best Skyrim life going up, the percentage of teens having sex is going down. Just 27.2 percent of New York teens get nasty, which is down from 31.2 percent in 2013.

Now what’s causing this? Are teens getting uglier? Are video games getting more awesome? Has our country’s obesity epidemic caused inactive teens to pursue the easier activity, video games over the riskier, but more fulfilling activity of building lasting relationships? Is the lowered teen sex drive just a victim of that?

Nah.

Anyway, here are a few video games that are better than sex.

FTL

Part space sim, part puzzle game, part roguelike, FTL is the most addictive game since Tetris and exploring the cosmos contained within its programming is easily more fun and fulfilling than exploring the body of your significant other. If teens are playing FTL instead of smashing, I don’t blame them at all.

Mario Party

I stopped going to parties in 1998. That’s also the year that Mario Party was released. Coincidence? Of course not. I don’t drink and I don’t do drugs, but I DO love Wario. Until Wario starts showing up at my friend’s birthday parties, I’m going to stay inside and not have sex.

Dark Souls III

I’ve been screwed over so many times by the Dark Souls series’ tough bosses that I just plain don’t need to have sex anymore.