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After my last post I felt bad. Guilty almost. Like I should feel badly for not knowing how to help myself, anxiety wise. it does make sense in a way . Obviously if staying in my apartment all day and busying myself with ocd and apartment-y tasks is not working to lower or elminate the anxiety I am experiencing , then obviously I should think to myself, perhaps I should do something different . Change can be scary .

To be honest none of that went through my head . That night I figured I have to make a plan .Because if I sit in this house tomorrow it’s just going to get worse. I am just going to get worse. I have a hard time saying its me rather than some monster or foreign anonymity that is taking over my body that i have little to no control over.

I went to the post office downtown that day . A friend had to go to the clinic so I said I ‘d go with her and go to the post office. We could browse around the shops afterwards. The post office saga is ongoing . It’s driving me nuts at this point and I don’t even especially like mail. Basiclly the mail boxes on my buiding .There are nine of them . It is essentially one giant box with 9 little doors for each appointment . Each door opens with a key and the whole thing can open with a key for the mail man . The thing is metal and probably a gillion years old and mine has not closed since I moved in . I have never had it locked in three years and all of the sudden I get a new mail man who refuses to deliever my mail because it is not secure. I did notify the landlord who 1/ the first time i called the wife said she would get it fixed 2 / 2 weeks later the husband siad he would come to look at it and it was the first he had heard of it . its been 3 weeks on monday. I am almost ready to refuse to pay my rent. Ugh. Landlords. I need to move. I want to move desperately.

D’s nana had a heart attack yesterday. I don’t mean to be well, mean , but it is always something with her. At this point it is an attention thing for her as she relishes in being sick and having everyone fuss over her whether its warranted or not . The hospital had her on oxygen but don’t believe she had a heart attack though something did happen, just as they didn’t believe she had that stroke last year ( would be her 2nd she did actually have one ) . D’s parent’s ( these are his fathers parents ) went and saw her a couple hours after she had been admitted and then Iguess they saw she was alive and promptly left for their planned weekend at the cottage. D was going up saturday morning and coming home sunday evening, so I said I would stay here. No one told me to or said anything but I feel bad leaving him here all alone. I don’t know exactly what I can do to help Papa but at least I am here.

I am reluctant to post about food stuff for the past day or two or three because it is nothing special. Summer triggers me . some people feel the pressure in the colder months because they know they have to get in smaller clothes in the warmer months. For me , it’s just the heat in general. it makes me feel sluggish. Large. Too big for my bones . My skin is too tight . Too clammy. Too white. Too tan. Too. Too. Too. It makes me feel guilty for drinking hot coffee in the morning . My stomach hurts because I tend to drink liter bottles of water at a time in the summer to get rid of the icky stomach feeling . I told a friend the other day of the wonders of single slieces of swiss cheese. It really does help the nasty stomach feeling . She said she wasn’t aware that cheese had medicinal properties. Umm pencillian why didn’t I think of that then ?

What do you do when nothing seems to work ? What do you eat when everything seems like too much or too difficult?

Around last fall (I would say ) my anxiety and panic attacks got really bad. Of course to compensate for being so entirely anxious all of the time with little to no relief ( wasn’t on medication ) my OCD went into overdrive. For a couple of months I tried to deal with it , with the OCD in the day time and bringing myself down with vodka at night. Not down in the depressed sense but down in the hyper sense I guess .Finally I caved and went to the dr . Tried meds that didn’t help much and made me sick . Tried another that helped but made me sick. Then I got better and I stopped the medication.

After months and weeks and days without feeling like there are a pair of feet pounding on my chest rather than my heart ,without feeling like i want to cry or run , that if only I can get these tiles clean that everything will be alright or that if just do this , it will be ok . This afternoon was horrible and I spent the majority of it pacing the apartment and rearranging the hangers of clothing in my closet and obsessively checking the mail ( did not come ! going to post office tomorrow ) What I really wanted to do was unplug the phone and hide under the blankets and watch tv. The phone was actually pretty good to me today which is something I never say . I talked a few times for a long time with a friend who understands about stuff like this because she goes through it too. It was nice but I feel like I was a pretty clingy friend today and the day is not over yet. But I guess, whatever gets you through the day or night right ?

I don’t want to sit and let this fester though . I mean I don’t want one day of feeling horrible to blow up into 3 or 4 days of couching it with tears while my voicemail and emails overflow and I pretend I don’t exist beyond these walls. So tomorrow said friend that I spoke with on the wall, we ‘ll call her C because it’s so creative . Anyways she asked me to go downtown with her to the dr’s and I said sure because it means I’ll be thinking about other things like walking around in the nice weather ( and perhaps evening out the stupid racerback tank top tan I was fortuante enough to get on our last walk) and seeing whats in the shops downtown . I remembered the post office was downtown so I’ll tackle that too. Whatever as much as I don’t like to tell myself this, sitting at home wallowing in my emotional crap is not going to make me feel any better and it’s not going to make anything better it’s just going to make stuff worse. And no I am not really ready to discuss the source or trigger of all this anxiety and crap today . I’m kind of embarrassed really . It’s about school , and well maybe I’ll just give you the short version that’s less painful . Pretty much I am so conflicted about going back . Before I was conflicted about waht to take but now that , that decision has been taken out of the equation I feel such guilt about not working until pretty much this time next year and then my head starts turning and I’m back at square one thinking well if I get a job it will be a crappy job because I need to go to school to get a good job . Full circle . Yet even that doesn’t convince me .Combine that with calculating budgets and finanicial crap pretty much equals my current state.

Off to clean something , grill some chicken breasts in the PC marinade I mentioned in an earlier post and make a big salad . Not sure what I ‘ll put in the salad yet but I do know it will involve cucumber because I am craving it.

Today’s quote didn’t thrill me. It was kind of self explanatory . But my horoscope for today is eerily dead on :

AriesMarch 21 – April 19

// Monday, June 22
It could be a good time to take the initiative in any matters involving your family. You should really take the time to sort out any personal issues and also try to get going on anything that you’ve been meaning to deal with around the house. Now would really be the ideal time for you to focus on taking care of all these things.

Unfortunately I think the part about taking iniative in regards to my family is pretty much my fault. I still have a Father’s Day card for my father that he hasn’t recieved yet. Although he’s pretty far away and I wasn’t going to be in the area at the time . I probably should have mailed it. Or it could be the bag of photos that my mom gave me a week or so back . I am supposed to scan some on to a disc and upload them for my cousin . Many of them are of her.

I guess it’s trying to tell me to take care of loose ends, items that have gotten forgotten on the to do list. Stuff like putting in the air conditoner. Sorting through the magazine piles. Boring stuff. I figure it’s telling me now is the best time to do all of these things because if I get approved for funding I will be in school early next month.

If I don’t get approved for funding I will appeal and hopefully will get approved. I have an admissions letter for August as well as July just in case.

I did make it to the grocery store on Saturday after all. I found loads of good stuff. Broccoli, asparagus , celery , viladia onions , romaine lettuce, baby spinach , green grapes , peaches ,nectarines. I also found a new marinade by PC . It’s honey mustard and apparently good on chicken and pork. I had it on chicken the other night . I was very glad that it tasted soo much better than it smelled. I sware I don’t get paid by PC ( I wish ! ) I just happen to like a lot of their products and they have a tonne of stuff!

Among the purcahses were of course a few random items that D (bf) threw into the cart without my knowing until we reached the check out. A certain item I could not miss though .

This guy . Only he brought 2 friends with him 😦

Seafood is a new food to me and I am a very picky eater in most cases. It took me almost 25 years to try shrimp or scallops . Which is all I had tried thus far. I do like shrimp but only 2 or 3 and I’m pretty much done. Scallops I adore them .

As for lobster. Not so much. D gave me a small piece of the meat (?) from the tail and a small piece from a claw. I hated the texture and I just didn’t see what the fuss was all about. I mean , it just doesn’t taste that lovely and it’s an awful lot of work just to eat. I think that will be the extent of my experience with lobsters. Well at least on my plate . I still plan to goggle at the ones in the tank at the grocery store.

Sunday I cleaned a lot . I even cleaned my oven which is my most favorite thing to clean in the entire world. I watched some more trashy tv in the background. Slice is often what channel I have it on .

For dinner D and I went to his parents house . His grandparents were there. It started to rain so we ate in the dining room instead of the patio. Everyone had some grilled steaks and there was some sort of pork tenderloin thing . I had a tonne of steamed broccoli and cauliflower , a big mixed green salad w/ celery/cucumber and spinach . His mother made a rhubarb pie for dessert that looked disgusting and then she learned that no one but her liked rhubarb pie.

As for today I woke up to early to the exact same humid weather as yesterday. I kinda want it to rain and I hate rain . A bloggers post about making homemade bubble tea inspired me to google about for iced coffee recipes . I never really did find what I was looking for. I don’t want anything that uses instant coffee. I pretty much just want the cold coffee over ice with a bit of some sort of cream product and some sweetener. But I have a feeling that brewing a pot and letting it go cold will not suffice.

I’m tackling the laundry monster and cleaning while taking A LOT of water breaks. I am already thinking about having a cold diet coke and unfortunately looking forward to tonights announcment on Jon and Kate. My theory that I shared with my mother this morning , is they will not say the word divorce but they will say it’s the last season of the show. I also predict Kate getting her own show on another network that is about her doing it on her own while managing her “career’ and new found ” stardom” .

Quote of the day : A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. -Oscar Wilde

So no sincerity is best?Or just the tiniest bit of it is ok ? Or is the point that sincerity is good if done right but if done wrong can be just horrible ? This one is a head scratcher.

A story about a woman who sued Quaker Oats because she said she believed the crunch “berries ” in Capatain Crunch were actual berries and ate them for years for health benefits. Who knows if the story is true or not but it gave me a good laugh.

Last night I stayed up way too late. Drank far too much Diet Coke amongst other things and watched trashy television shows online. It’s been raining all day so it hasn’t exactly been very motivating for me . I’ve got little done other than tidying up the kitchen and going to the butcher . The plan is to go to the grocery store later today /evening but I will be surprised if that happens. Our grocery store is having some sort of thing going on where there is no tax today and tomorrow on almost everything. If you have a Superstore near you , check it out.

Food stuff yesterday ended up involving some sweet potato fries and part of a homemade burger I had grilled on the Foreman and had on half a soft bakery bun of some kind . I topped my burger with some old Canadian cheddar, loads of pickles and fresh baby spinach. Yum .

I would like to try making my own sweet potato fries next time rather then the frozen ones I’ve been buying in a much too small bag. I saw some sweet potatoes at the Farmer’s Market but one was just huge. Like enough for four people huge! Are they always that big?

As for today I had a lot of coffee this morning with some Irish Cream coffeemate stuff ( click the link for a pretty good coupon especially if it’s already on sale 😉 While I have pretty much given up on breakfast during the week , breakfast well more like brunch is pretty much a given on the weekend around here. During the week it is just me and I find it much easier to just say no to the meal I don’t really want to eat in the first place and would only eat it because it’s healthier. I cannot say that I miss circulating the same breakfast foods in phases over and over . Egg white omlettes with cheese . Bagels . It sounds like torture to me now and I am finding it much easier to just do the 1-2 meals a day . Even if they are larger meals.

Before when I ate breakfast I found it very difficult to eat dinner because I felt like wow I’ve been eating since however many hours ago , I really shouldn’t have much now especially with it being later in the day . Now I feel comfortable eating a normal ( for me ) sized dinner because I haven’t had anything or much of anything prior to make me feel guilty for it It is also so much easier to plan /choose /cook dinners.

I have all these little add on type thingies on my Igoogle . One of them is from Wikihow and each day theyput 3 or 4 How-To’s of the day .Here’s one from today :

Today is World Sauntering Day . Do you know how to take a leisurely stroll?
Then they go into detail on how to take a walk which they make sound a lot more like meditation than a walk . One of their tips is to wander and also to look up . Both of which may be dangerous but I suppose if you are in a Zen state of mind you may survive .

Make a whack of homemade burgers and freeze them so it’s convenient . So much better than frozen skinny patties and extremely versatile. If you’re a veggie make kebabs or just chuck whatever veggies you like on to the grill and turn with tongs. Meat gobbler turkey burgers are an awesome low calorie alternative to beef burgers and so yummy with lettuce , mayo , cheese on a soft bun

Have a day where you just let what happens , happens. Where you end up at a bonfire at the beach of someone you met years ago . Or having a random late nite dinner on a pretty patio Just be

It may be odd but I think I am just going to jump right in with a first entry. No typical introduction type one because I feel like my About Me page tells a lot and besides that’s what comments are for .

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Today’s Quote: If only we’d stop trying to be happy we’d have a pretty good time. – Edith Wharton

Today’s quote is pretty easy to analyze for once. It makes a lot of sense too. We spend most of ours lives trying to get happy . Going to doctors, taking pills, going on vacations decorating rooms and houses just so because then we’ll be happy. Maybe we’ve all just over thought this one and maybe we don’t have to do anything , but be.

Fountain soda

I am always up for a Toothpaste For Dinner comic . I usually always have a laugh but sometimes I come across one and I am just like YES! I could have wrote drawn that ! Well if I could draw anything but a butterfly and a house.Sometimes you get amazing Diet Coke from the fountain other times it just tastes like carbonation and not enough syrup .It’s hit or miss but I always remember who has the best ones.

I’d normally post about food stuff in this space or paragraph but it would be pretty boring at this point. Coffee, bottled water and Diet Coke thus far so I will leave that for today .

Random Food Fact That Made Me Say Hmmmm :

Ketchup has not always been made out of tomatoes. It started out as a general term for sauce, typically made of mushrooms or fish brine with herbs and spices. Mushroom ketchup is still available in some countries, such as the UK. Some popular early main ingredients include anchovy, oyster, lobster, walnut, kidney bean, cucumber, cranberry, lemon, and grape.

So yeah chew on that until I eat something worth writing about. Or do something worth writing about. Whatever happens first.