October 31, 2008

New Ohio Theme Song

Many people don't realize this, but the current Ohio state song is Stick a Buckeye Up Your Butt and Tell Me You Love Me. In order to help the state really reflect the modern world, I have come up with two possibilities to change from this overly sentimental song that hearkens back to a world riddled with covered wagons and rampant diarrhea.

The first, and most obvious, is the Rockwell hit Somebody's Watching Me. However, in my continuing bid to gain entry to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the dingiest non-porno attraction in the greater Cleveland area, I have written an all-new theme song for Ohio, called Helen's Kind of Place.

It's sung to the tune of the Cheers theme song:

Make a politician sweatWe'll take everything you've gotIf you dare to ask a questionYour credit rating's shotWouldn't you like to live in a place

In what comes as a final, shattering blow to the Republicans' hopes in 2008, former Vice President and conservative standard-bearer Dan Quayle endorsed Barack Obama for president today.

Quayle, who was once a rising star in the conservative movement only to find himself a national laughingstock after his debate with Lloyd Bentsen, said that this election was important "to correct some historical mistakes."

"I am confident that four years of listening to Joe Biden will leave people yearning for me," Quayle said to a roomful of reporters who had missed their plane. "After his stupid mouth costs us allies and drags us into wars, my arguing over the spelling of tomato will seem like small potatoes. At least my rhetorical flourishes were never slanderous or revealed shocking incompetence."

He went on to note that he is afraid of Sarah Palin, because "she didn't wilt under the media glare like I did, which means she must have a steely heart which harbors only hatred for her enemies."

October 30, 2008

Tripe, Leather Pants, and Me

I received another begging e-mail from the Psychology dorks today, once again pleading with me to post to their survey. Once again, I will not, despite the kindly-worded note from Benjamin. Mostly it's because last time the note was addressed to "Editor of Daily Dollop." This time?

It was addressed simply "Plebian." Since when were we on a first-name basis?

So instead of that, I give you this: a rant against leather pants. That's right, I don't care who's toes I step on.

I feel very strongly that wearing leather pants is a moral issue, and that the practice should not only be frowned upon but should be made illegal.

I'm not speaking of the moral implications of using cowhide to make leather. Cows are both stupid and tasty, so I don't have any problem turning their hide into a wide variety of useful products, from thigh-high dominatrix boots to sexy bustiers.

But leather pants is just one step too far.

When you wear leather pants, you're making one of the following statements:

1) "I wanted to wear something which not only made my ass look bigger, but makes it look as if it's trying to escape." Leather pants do not flatter your figure, people. Oh, perhaps one in a thousand people can wear them, but nobody else can. But one in a thousand people can pick their nose with their feet, too, and I don't see anybody pretending that's acceptable.

2) "I'm too chickenshit to wear a short skirt like the rest of the tramps, but still just as much of a skank." I fully support a woman's right to decide to be a skank, but let's stop fooling ourselves that leather pants are some kind of acceptable way to tart yourself up. Just go for the too-short skirt and the fishnet stockings and stop pretending.

3) "I love the squeaking that my thighs make when I walk!" Because nothing says "hot" like audible reminders of balloon sex.

...chances are you're a retard and you're gonna hate this. On the other hand, if you're not the kind of doofus who chuckles at the lowest of low anti-Bush/Condi/Cheney jokes, and if you feel for Joe the Plumber, you might just get a chuckle. Or a sense of righteous anger. Either way...enjoy.

October 27, 2008

Obama Struggles in Interview

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama struggled in a live interview this morning on popular New Orleans TV station WFAK when asked to explain some statements by his running mate, Senator and village idiot Joe Biden.

While no video was yet available, a transcript was provided on the station website of the interview between reporter Barbara Wright and Obama. It is reproduced below the fold.more...

October 24, 2008

Daffy Duck Donates Dollars to Democrats

Hollywood superstar Daffy Duck today confirmed reports that he had donated thousands of dollars to various Democratic candidates, and said that in his estimates nine out of ten cartoon stars support Barack Obama for president.

"Everybody I know is hoping for Obama to win it," said Mr. Duck. "That's why cartoon stars as diverse as Mickey Mouse and Felix the Cat have come together to support him. Even Popeye, like most other members of the cartoon military, is voting Obama this year."

Like many early cartoon stars, Mr. Duck has seen his box-office appeal slump in recent years as computer-generated cartoons manufactured overseas have come to dominate the industry. "Obama will change that, though," Duck said. "He supports tariffs on studios that do cartooning outside the US, to help us regain our competitive edge. I've urged all my friends to do everything they can to help him get elected. That's why I've been so pleased to see that they all show up on his donor list, even Doctor Feelgood, who I had thought was strongly apolitical."

"And it's not just Obama, either," Mr. Duck continued. "We're contributing to those down-the-line Democrats as well, including one of our own, the cartoonish Al Franken."

Support for the Democrats was far from universal, though. Perhaps the most famous holdout is Bugs Bunny's foil, Elmer Fudd, who is also president of the National Animated Rifle Association. Fudd, who like most 70-year-olds now suffers from early-onset dementia and a severe speech impediment, said in a statement that "we must be vewy, vewy, qwuiet, because I'm hunting wabbits."

October 22, 2008

Possible Threats to a Nascent Obama Presidency

Thanks to inside sources close to Obama campaign, I have managed to procure a copy of the list of crises that they think will present a clear and present danger within the first 90 days of an Obama presidency. Further, they've outlined what they think the most probably response of President Obama would be, and taken the pains to outline some other scenarios which present better outcomes.

I understand that the list has not yet been reviewed by Obama, because he's been too busy working on his acceptance speech for the 2012 inauguration. But here it is, as imagined by his own campaign:

The Moose Shot Heard 'Round the World

Dangerous radical Sarah Palin, known member of the Alaska Independence Party, will formally secede from the United States and declare Alaska an independent theocracy as punishment for losing the presidential election. The breakaway province will likely be supported by both Russia, to weaken the US, and by Canada as punishment for rewriting NAFTA.

Better Response: Implore the UN to insert peacekeeping forces in Alaska to secure a long-lasting peace similar to what is enjoyed in spots around the world where the blue-helmeted soldiers have become synonymous with peace and harmony.

Flowergate

When a group of eager Cub Scouts tramples the White House garden, first lady Michelle Obama will be furious and insist that the President "show those rude boys proper behavior." She may even insist on corporal punishment.

Obama's Response: With a fearsome will reminiscent of Walter Mitty, Obama will call the Cub Scouts in for a meeting. In a hilarious turn of events, Obama will end up as Pack leader and take the boys on a campout where, after a series of misadventures, he will end up swamping his canoe and lighting his shoes on fire.

Better Response: Disband the boy scouts and require 40 hours per week of community service from every child under the age of 18, just to show that Obama is not the be trifled with.

A Night in Ford's Theater

A high school drama company stages a performance of the dreadfully unfunny "The Mouse that Roared." The President and his entire cabinet are held hostage for four hours by the troupe, who are only slightly more lifeless than your average George Romero zombie.

Obama's Response: In a tearful emergency State of the Union address, Obama announces that "this day I have surrendered, totally and without precondition, to the Grand Duchy of Fenwick. I pray that they will be merciful and just to us, even though we don't deserve it."

Better Response: All high school drama groups are outlawed. It's just a cover for illicit drug use and people shagging in the costume rooms anyways. And everybody knows the cool kids do debate and chess club anyways.

Maltese Missile Crisis

Long jealous of Sardinia's excessive influence over the naming of small canned fish, Malta obtains short-range missiles and insists that unless the world henceforth renames Anchovies the "Royal Sovereign Fish of Glorious Malta" they will destroy Sicily.

Obama's Response: After insisting that "this is not the Malta that I thought I knew" he'll invite all parties involved over to the White House for a reconciliation dinner of his favorite dish, "Pizza with olives and Royal Sovereign Fish of Glorious Malta" and a side of "Belgian Fries" just to be on the safe side.

Better Response: Surgical air strikes on Portugal which, though not involved in the controversy, should serve to prove that the US means business. This will be followed by an angry speech by President Obama in the UN, ending with him banging his shoe on the table and shouting "we will bury you!"

The Thomas Cruise Incident

Katie Holmes shocks almost no one when she announces that she's separating from Tom Cruise, calling him "a religious weirdo" and implying that he is a closet homosexual. Hollywood is outraged and demands that President Obama do something to set the young starlet straight, particularly to prevent Tom Cruise from ruining yet another nubile starlet, as is his wont.

Obama's Response: Unable to refuse such a powerful part of the Democratic party, President Obama swings into action and requires that the couple attend weekly marriage counseling with supertherapist Dr. Phil, with Obama himself sitting in to "help heal their fractured souls." He also creates a bill (quickly passed) requiring that all divorces must be approved by the husbands. The bill is approved by NOW, which calls it "a significant progress in equalizing the sexes."

Better Response: Those are pretty good, but also Scientology will further be recognized as "the guiding philosophical principle of the United States" since it was the religion of the founding fathers. This will not require a constitutional change, since on the back of the constitution they find written in crayon "Scientology rules! TJ"

October 20, 2008

The human spirit wants to be free, which is why I must issue this powerful crie de coeur against the current state of the magazine industry, particularly as it is practiced in many Airports.

It happened that I found myself heading out for a business trip on Monday afternoon, so I did what many businessmen do in such circumstances: I swung by the magazine shop at the airport to purchase some reading material.

I selected two magazines, one on the latest PC video games coming out, and another one of a more literary bent which prominently featured photographs of aspiring models and actresses.

Thanks to the awful service I received, I have created the Literature Buyer’s Bill of Rights.

Right #1: Literary Magazines Will be Stored Above Sports Magazines

Sometimes, the literary magazines are stored in the most inopportune place, such as above Cosmo and Better Homes and Gardens. Why this should be, I cannot say. But with society's continuing prejudice against intellectuals, particularly those who enjoy magazines which specialize in amateur boudoir stories, it's imperative that the literary magazines be stored above titles which feature sports, cars, or at the limit technology, so that men can peruse the titles with a semblance of cover for fear that small-minded bigots will judge them.

Otherwise, one is forced to make a dash-and-grab play to avoid being mocked by passers-by, and you might end up with something that features Norman Mailer. And nobody wants that.

Right #2: Nubile Young Women Shall Not Be Allowed to Sell Literary Magazines

You'd think that this would be a no-brainer, yet many a vendor violates this. The only place that nubile young women should sell literary magazines is in upscale films of a mature and adult nature. Otherwise their talents should be applied where they are far more appropriate, in the barkeeping and modeling industry.

Right #3: You have the right to avoid eye contact

This is particularly important in light of vendors who will insist, for various reasons of the labor pool and EOO compliance, that they must hire nubile young woman. But you shouldn't have to make eye contact with her to get her to acknowledge that you're trying to buy literature. You're embarrassed enough.

In fact, it would be better if stores provided sunglasses to all clients. Yes, that would help. I think we'll make that Right #4: stores which sell literature will also supply sunglasses for all clients, regardless of their purchasing plans.

Right #5: Staffers Will Never, Ever, Ever, Riffle Through Literary Magazines when you Bring the Up for Purchase and remark “I’ve never read this magazine before; what is it about?”

This is a big no-no. When you lay your magazines down, in the classic Trojan Horse arrangement (literature on bottom, PC Gaming magazine on top), the clerk should never, ever, pick up and riffle through either magazine. Particularly not the literary one. For one thing, it spoils the surprise of seeing the big words and well-trimmed poetry inside. Part of the joy of literary magazines is seeing it all for the first time, not having it ruined by getting a quickie while the clerk is trying to figure out what the most prominent features of the magazine are.

Right #6: You have the right to have your literature put into an opaque bag immediately, not left laying on the counter like a big neon sign.

This should be the first thing that clerks learn: "when a literature fancier purchases a magazine, immediately put it into the bag. Don't leave it laying on the counter while you fiddle trying to log onto the register with the other magazine in your hand." I mean, that's just common sense, isn't it?

Isn't it?

Right #7: No price checks. If the price isn't easily obtained, your literature is free.

Imagine that you're standing at the register, with four people behind you, and a bookstore crowded with people, and the dipshit behind the counter can't figure out the price, so she yells to the slacker putting out the latest crap from Clive Cussler "Hey, Joe, can you check the price of Ass Stories Weekly for me?"

October 11, 2008

Han shot Rezko first

One of the candidates in this election is a hero who flew missions against a country that aligned itself with an Evil Empire. The other is a whiny little bitch who sees himself as a member of the Rebellion*, even though he was only eight years old when the Rebellion started, and is ambivalent about his father, who he never knew...

October 09, 2008

I Accept the Challenge

Ace has challenged readers to come up with some famous Andrew Sullivan quotes. As you all know, I am a great Sullivan fan. So I reproduce here some of his greatest quotes (links not available due to small-minded DPUD posting guidelines).

Here are just a few of the bon mots that he has favored us with over the years.

His response to Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction: "I am gobsmackingly gobsmacked by this. I always felt that if any Jackson was going to force me to question my sexuality, it'd have been Tito."

And how could any of us forget the chain of heart-wrenching posts he wrote just after 9/11 that helped bring us all together: "My secret shame: I eat urinal cakes", "Urinal Cakes are tasty", and "Fresh Breath the Sullivan Way: Urinal Cakes are Free and Bite-Sized in Most Gas Station Restrooms."

Who among us didn't shiver when he wrote "Ich ben ein Berliner"? Or something like that. I remember some bullshit in German, anyway, but it might have been something about being infested with chiggers. Yeah, that was it: "Ich ben ein chiggercrotchenshitz." Anyway, dumbass Ace only posts in English, and that poorly.

There's his description of the Bush cabinate just before the 2006 elections: "Like the Three Stooges, if Moe was actually Torquemada and instead of hitting the dowager with a pie they tied her down, tortured her, murdered her children, defiled her, and then forced her to give them campaign contributions, all while Bush laughing on and on like a latter-day Nero as our freedoms burned around our ears."

Of course, no Sullivan oeuvre would be complete without mentioning this one: "I've self-presciently identified my own heroic failing: I care too much, coupled with my overwhelming desire to do naught but harm, like a living avatar of the Hyppocratic Oath. That, coupled with my steely demeanor and cool detachment, means that I shall always run the risk of being too true to my bedrock ideals of conservatism and guarding our fragile liberty from those who would take it, like a urinal cake without a plastic sheath that is exactly the size of a Mentos."

The endorsements continued to roll in for Barack Obama, with yet another major national organization urging its members to turn out for the Democratic hopeful for president. It represented another major blow to the campaign of John McCain, whose operatives had been privately hopeful that they could seal up at least one more undecided before November.

Hugh Jass, president of the Fake People's Association, sent a chain e-mail to reporters earlier today notifying them of the decision. "This election represents a watershed for fake people," Jass wrote. "We've contributed heavily to Obama and we voted for him in droves in the Democratic primaries, because we haven't had a candidate who so clearly represented our interests since Landslide Lyndon over forty years ago."

Jass said that in addition to the massive fundraising drive spearheaded by FPA Vice-President Asdf Qwerty, they were particularly proud of their Hollywood branch for continued support for Obama. "I'd like to single out particularly Matt Damon and Whoopi Goldberg, who have made fake people everywhere proud with their continued support of the first true fake person candidate."

October 07, 2008

In New York, we’re keeping our eyes on a widespread baseball-related depression, with some associated angst in Manhattan. On Wall Street, be sure to watch for falling stock brokers.

Expect continued euphoria and elatement in the Boston area, with the return of insufferablility likely by the end of October.

In the Washington DC area, today’s weather calls for widespread blamestorming, with possible floods of incompetence on Capitol Hill. Those going outside are advised to wear hip waders.

For residents of the South, we will not present weather, because it appears clear from reports that they are all ignorant rednecks who can’t read anything more complicated than a Bazooka Joe comic.

Florida’s brief Indian Summer should end soon with the collapse of the Rays and the Dolphins, but weather patters are difficult to predict in the “America’s Wang.”

Those in the Great Lakes region are advised to stay indoors to avoid the severe disillusionment in the area, coupled with severe regret in the Green Bay area. Those in Chicago are advised to watch for falling Cubs fans.

Turning to the Midwest, we expect the drought of respect to continue.

California’s outlook is positive, except for San Francisco, which continues to suffer from self-induced effects Hurricane Pelosi. This situation is expected to continue for some time.

In Nashville, expect clouds of verbal obfuscation, followed by massive media coverup and boosterism, with a fifty percent possibility of statistical improbability. Those going outside are advised to watch for falling Republicans.

October 06, 2008

GLAD today held a press conference urging candidates of both parties to cool their rhetoric, pleading for calm as the election heats up heading into the upcoming vote in November.

“We’re watching the situation very closely, of course,” said GLAD spokesman Lars Handzchappen. “We at the Glove Lovers of American Democracy feel very strongly that these anti-glove statements by both parties need to be repudiated in order to prevent a rash of anti-glove violence like we saw in the early 90’s.”

The press conference was hastily called following the McCain campaign’s announcement that “the gloves are coming off”, which the group feels should be classified as anti-glove hate speech. GLAD earlier condemned Barack Obama for similar rhetoric following the conventions in September.

Handzchappen told reporters that “anti-glove violence reached its peak in the late 80’s, led by the fiery rhetoric of Reverend Al Yankovich, and there were documented incidents of glove violence throughout the country, particularly in the South. We thought we’d left this shameful legacy behind us, but it’s reared its ugly head this election, along with a lot of other –isms that we’d rather not talk about.”

Some political observers feel that the constant cries of Gloveism are likely to backfire. Typical was a Politico analyst who said that “repeated cries of Gloveism are starting to grate on voters and they’re tuning out, like those stupid UPS commercials with that dick and the white board. Only Gloveism isn’t filling anybody with murderous rage…yet.”

For its part, GLAD feels that “unfortunately, gloveism is real and it needs to be addressed, preferably through intrusive school curriculums designed to teach children what types of behavior are and are not wrong.”