Dear Charles Barkley

I’m writing today with an unusual request: Want to go to the River Walk with me? You are, without a doubt, the best sports personality in America. You’ve got a shiny new Emmy to prove it. Like any true basketball fan, I love watching you on TNT’s studio show. Your analysis is succinct, on target and always informative.

Part of your appeal comes from the outrageous and funny things you say, most of which are intended to get a rise out of somebody.

Well, congratulations Chuck. (Can I call you Chuck?) Your on-air comments about the San Antonio River Walk — referring to it as “a dirty little creek” — definitely got a rise here.

We thought about it for a while in the newsroom, and my editors came up with a great idea: Now that you’re in town for the Western Conference Finals, you and I should go on a boat ride down the “dirty little creek.” I’ll also show you the Alamo and a few other notable spots that make the River City unique.

That’s correct, Mr. Barkley. You. Me. River. You and San Antonio have had words before. Last year, after the Spurs were ignominiously booted in the first round, you added insult to injury by saying: “As much as I love San Antonio — great city — I’m not going to miss it. My ass would look normal down there. They ain’t got no skinny women down there.”

So, we’ve got a history. Don’t worry. Take a tour with me and I can personally guarantee your safety. Unless, of course, we run into any of the readers who write me crazy emails, or an angry Jenny Craig member who’s got it in for you. Then it’s going to be every man for himself.

We’ve got to keep this disagreement in perspective, Charles. No one’s perfect.

You’re a TV star. But television is, as Newton N. Minow once said, a vast wasteland. That makes you wildly popular in a dumb medium. And the San Antonio River, as it winds through town, is really just a fancy flood control system. But it’s our fancy flood control system. We’re awfully proud of it.

Yes, the water is dirty, but all river water is dirty. What were you expecting? Perrier? Rum? Diet Coke?

By the way, that river is actually cleaned most winters, with tons of mud removed. I am willing to bet that no one has ever vacuumed the Alabama River.

When it comes down to it, Chuckster, you and San Antonio have a lot in common.

You are a down-to-earth guy. San Antonio is the biggest small town in America.

You come from Alabama, where the summers are hot and humid. We have the same weather here.

You’re one of the greatest basketball players of all time but have been the butt of on-air jokes from co-hosts Kenny and Ernie for years. We’re home to North America’s winningest professional sports team in the last 15 years but have to put up with “small market” malarkey from those Dallas and Houston pinheads every year.

You are famous for your pronunciation of the word “terrible.” We’re South Texans. We famously butcher all sorts of words.

Your classic Nike ads — specifically “Barkley vs. Godzilla” and the opera one where you killed the referee — are among the best TV commercials ever. Speaking of on-screen greatness, the first Oscar for Best Picture went to the silent film “Wings,” which was filmed in San Antonio.

You like food. So do we.

You’re trying to lose weight. So are most of us, as you have pointed out.

Your reputation is larger than life. So is the reputation of the Alamo. (You’ll understand that one once you see it in person.)

As you once famously said in another Nike ad, you are not a role model. But you are iconic.

Some of my greatest basketball memories come from the 1992 Dream Team, watching you go coast-to-coast against the rest of the world.

Your postgame press conferences set the gold standard for honesty. I remember when a sportswriter implied that international teams were afraid to play NBA players, who held an unfair advantage. You responded: “Why don’t they just take their ass-whipping and go home?”

In that vein, why don’t you just take the river tour with me …?

Sincerely,

Roy

P.S. We know you were just kidding. We’re not really angry. It’s not like you attacked anything important, such as Flaco Jimenez, George Strait or Texas high school football.