More Sexiness:

I found this posted without an author credit on an adult webmaster board. It was presented as if it were supposed to be funny, and acclaimed as such by a chunk of the online-pornographer audience. Me, I didn’t find it so — it encapsulates a lot of the reasons I never could find much value in the strip club experience. Of course I know of folks in the blog community who’ve stripped (or who are still stripping) and who present a much more nuanced view of the profession. But still. Strong and unpleasant stuff, it seems to me:

1) Hey you over there, holding that one dollar bill in your hand with a death grip and waving it around at me like it’s the fucking deed to Trump Towers… what the fuck do you want me to do, grow another pussy?!? It’s a fuckin’ dollar, put it down on the tiprail and blow my world away already.

2) You losers that come into the club for a lapdance with NO underwear or boxers and thin-ass, nylon shorts, so we slip and slide on your hard-on (which always feel like a sharpie pen ~ fine point)…fuck you.

3) You with the thick-ass jeans, this was an impromptu visit, eh?

4) Don’t pull my thong up during a dance and ask me if it felt good. IT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD.

5) Hey you, Loser, the one counting out the 20 bucks in one dollar increments, rubbing your fingers between each one to make sure you are giving me just that one dollar. Yes, you.

6) No I will not just let you “slip it in real quick” for $50 more bucks.

7) Yeah, my tits are real. As real as my affection for you.

8)If you cum in your pants, you have to tip me an extra $100 for being a lame-ass who can cum in their pants from a lapdance.

9) Stop asking me out. You’re a smelly, fat loser and the only reason I’m smiling and cooing at you is because I want your money. Outside of the club I wouldn’t even fart your way.

11) Stop bitching at me about the goddamn two drink minimum. First of all, your breath ranks (what’d you have for dinner, garlic and shit?), you’re about 172 lbs. overweight, and you look like Jay Leno. More importantly: I don’t give a shit.

12) Don’t bitch at me about the $10 non-alchoholic beer either. Hide a bottle of Jack in your coat pocket next time like everyone else does.

13) My horniness is in direct proportion to your income.

14) No, you CAN’T SMOKE. Dumb. Ass.

15 )Boys, don’t sit in the front row with your “homies” and act all engrossed in some deep conversation during a girls performance because you want to look like you’re too “cool” to notice the hot, naked girl in front of you. It’s a clear sign that you ain’t getting any.

16) DON’T SIT IN THE FRONT ROW IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TIP. Fer chrissakes!!!!!!!!!!!

17) “So what do you guys do when you’re on your period?” Answer: I lap dance with guys in dark pants.

18) STOP trying to grab my tits!!!!!!! That’s extra.

19) SHOWER FIRST, you nasty fuck!

20) I had a feeling you weren’t going to tip me, so I took extra care to rub my lip gloss on your collar and wear extra glitter lotion and obnoxious perfume before our dance.

21) Hey cheapasses: please don’t come to my work. Just stay home and jack off to “Desperate Housewives” instead. It will save us a both a lot of unpleasantry.

22) Stop asking me why I do this job and try to get all psychologically analytical on me. For the money, you moron, that’s why.

23) No seriously, my real name is Sparkle.

24) NO, I will not take a dime sac for payment. I can tell it’s oregano anyway you stupid mutherfucker!

25) Sorry, I don’t do that. Ask the ugly girl at the bar with the black roots and overbite.

26) I can see it’s your first time at a strip club. Let me explain the dynamics to you. If you want a fuck or a blow-job, go to the ugly chicks. Hot girls don’t have to do “extra services.” I can give you some recommendations for a small fee.

27) It is not okay for you to bounce me on your cock like a baby on a knee. Not okay.

28) Stop complaining about how short the song was. It felt like the fucking maxi-single to me.

29)Yes I will fuck you, but only for 10 grand. More if you’re ugly. So basically, more.

30) DO NOT come into the club looking for a girlfriend/date. It’s like me going to PETA looking for a steak.

31) Girls–what’s with the pole smell? Can we do a little hygiene check? Nothing than worse than twirling around the pole and getting a whiff of stale pussy.

32) Girls–stop lip-syncing to the song you’re dancing to on stage. Especially if you don’t know all the words.

33) Girls–if your toes curl and hang over your platform shoes a la’ Fred Flinstone, you need to go up a size.

34) Girls–drowning yourself in Angel perfume is just as bad if not worse than the BO you’re trying to cover. Take a goddamn shower, you smell like lapdance funk.

35) Hey DJ! You suck!

36)Girls–may I suggest complete sobriety before getting tatted up? Tattoos should be meaningful, or at least semi-meaningful, or at least semi semi-meaningful. That fucking dancing llama on your ass is so lame.

37)Girls–some songs just should not be stripped to. Please. No Disney soundtracks (you know who you are, you fucking weirdo), Sade, Boys II Men, or Bjork. For the love of God, Please.

By the way, if this was ripped from a blog or website and you know the original source, please drop me an email so I can credit it properly. No links in the comments, please.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 21st, 2006 at 12:56 pm. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response.

16 Responses to “Stripper Rant”

that was a welcome bit of education thanks to the author and to you for sharing it. i had some of those clues already but that was more.. clearly said. may the word get spread, and those who erotically dance for a living get respected and more. such rules and insights Should be welcome, as i believe many havent a clue as to rules and ideas of best behaviour. unfortunately. spread the word!

26) I can see it’s your first time at a strip club. Let me explain the dynamics to you. If you want a fuck or a blow-job, go to the ugly chicks. Hot girls don’t have to do “extra services.” I can give you some recommendations for a small fee.

I like it. I know (and love) some strippers and ex-strippers, and that’s a quality rant. No, the author wasn’t speaking for every stripper and to every customer; it’s for comic effect. But it’s good stuff.

Man that’s sad. I haven’t seen any strippers since the whole lap-dance thing started – all the strippers I enjoyed were on a stage. That distance left them a lot more autonomy and dignity than having to rub their bodies on whatever patron had the most money.

As for the music selection, count me as another who would love to see a stripper dance to Bjork! My wife used to work as the bookkeeper for an adult theater that featured dancers between films. She would sometimes run the spotlight for the girls. She would make tapes for some of them trying to introduce them to more interesting music than AC/DC’s “Back in Black” or Joe Cocker’s cover of “You Can Leave Your Hat On”.

When I was a kid, stripping was considered an art form (see the movie “The Right Stuff” with Sally Rand stripping). The best stripper I ever saw was a woman in Kansas City called “Legs Diamond”. She stripped to Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” before an audience composed entirely (except for myself and the rest of the tech crew) of gay men. They didn’t care about her lovely breasts – they appreciated her as a dancer.

I can see where the frustration comes from, and it’s interesting, but it’s also dispiritingly mean minded. Comes over as a good-looking woman who knows it taunting the easy target of the poor slavering losers who fancy her. Bit pathetic on everyone’s part, really.

I can’t think of anything that would turn me off more from actually going to a strip club than knowing that this was the sort of day-to-day life the average stripper leads.

I don’t think I could enjoy myself, or find it at all arousing if I knew, or even strongly suspected that the stripper I was watching had this level of disgust going on for her patrons.

It’s a good rant. Even funny. But I couldn’t in good conscience contribute to an atmosphere that produces such disgust at patrons in a sexual atmosphere.

Why? Because it would feel like someone was pretending to enjoy themselves for my benefit, and that I was paying them to do so. In a sexual situation, that’s iffy. If I suspected that they were haivng a bad time of it, I’d feel sick.