At of the time I’m writing this, my father is in the ICU on life support, dying from leukemia. As a result, now I am having to put into practice the things I’ve written about before.

When I went no contact with my father earlier this year (prior to his diagnosis), I knew this scenario was very likely to happen. My father has had a myriad of health problems for years, & is, well, no spring chicken anymore. So, I prepared- I prayed & thought a lot about what would I do if this happened? Should I resume the relationship with my parents at the end of their lives, even knowing they won’t improve their behavior or will get worse? Could my physical & mental health tolerate that? Should I stay away no matter what? If I did stay away, could I handle the guilt? How would I handle the pressure from outsiders telling me to go when I knew I couldn’t do it?

Aside from the pain of losing my father, I’ve had many people come out of the woodwork to tell me to go to the hospital to see him. I should “put my feelings aside so he can die in peace,” “I only have one set of parents” & more. One even anonymously emailed me (as if I wouldn’t know who it was?!) information about NPD that she copied from the Mayo Clinic’s site, insinuating that I’m a narcissist for not going.

This is the kind of stuff that happens when a narcissistic parent is dying, & you, Dear Reader, need to be prepared for it since it can happen to you as well.

To start with, pray. Ask God to show you what you should do if & when your narcissistic parent becomes terminally ill, & ignore advice from everyone when the time comes. God knows best what you should do- no human being knows what He knows. Let Him guide you. Also ask Him to give you whatever it is you will need when that time comes- wisdom, courage, strength, etc. You’ll especially need those things if you opt to see your parent or become involved in a caregiver role.

Stay close to God. Talk with Him often. Let Him strengthen & comfort you, because you’re going to need those things more than you ever have in your life.

Ignore the pressure from everyone. You do what you believe God wants you to do & ignore everyone else. They haven’t been in your situation, so they don’t understand it. That doesn’t prevent them from judging it, however. Ignore them. You have to answer to God, not people, so obey Him. You’ll never please people anyway. Even if you became your parent’s full time caregiver, people would still criticize you, especially the ones who aren’t involved with helping. (Interesting how that seems to work- the ones who do nothing usually are the fastest to judge & criticize those who do it all.)

Don’t hesitate to block people’s phone numbers, emails or social media. Yes, it just sucks. It hurts cutting your own family or friends out of your life, but, you have to protect yourself. Blocking them will hurt less than allowing them to fill your phone or inbox with hurtful, manipulative, guilt/shame laden messages. Also, be aware that they may find other ways to access you that you hadn’t thought of. One of my cousins that I’d blocked used her dead mother’s Facebook to contact me. That was a shocking moment, seeing a message from my aunt who’s been dead since 2014! I’ve learned there is no way to protect myself completely- I have to continue blocking various avenues as people try to contact me. You will find the same thing is true for you.

Cling onto what you know is right, no matter what. I know, it is awful when your parent is dying & you know beyond a shadow of a doubt you can’t say goodbye. It’s painful for you & makes you feel like a terrible person. You aren’t though! Galatians 6:7 says, “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” (KJV) In cases like mine, this is exactly what is happening. They are reaping the awful harvest that they have sown after abusing me for my entire life. God has been reminding me of this Scripture repeatedly lately.

Don’t let people tell you how to feel. Even well meaning people may do this with comments like, “You shouldn’t be mad at the flying monkeys for coming after you right now- you have more important things to worry about.” You feel what you feel, acknowledge those feelings, & deal with them however you feel is appropriate.

Have realistic expectations. If you do decide to say goodbye to your dying narcissistic parent, don’t expect a happy ending. I haven’t once heard of any narcissist having an epiphany & apologizing for their behavior, even on their death bed. In fact, quite the opposite. I’ve heard stories of how cruel they can be to their children until their dying breath. If you are willing to see your parent so that parent can die in peace, or because it will help you somehow to say goodbye, then do it while leaning on God to help you stay strong even when the abuse continues. And, if at all possible, go when no one else is there. Avoid the ones who harassed & shamed you.

Think about the funeral. Do you plan to go? If so, it can get ugly. Even funerals aren’t off limits to some flying monkeys. Can you handle any confrontations with grace & dignity? Can you handle being shunned? It may be just too much, in the light of losing your parent. Visiting the cemetery after everyone has gone home may be a much better option for you.

Lastly, don’t expect anything normal about grieving your parent’s death. The death of a narcissist adds a lot of complexity to the already difficult grief process. Not only are you losing a parent, you’re losing the last shred of hope that things might be better one day. You’re losing the chance of ever having closure. You’ll grieve that your relationship was so toxic. You also are going to feel relief because the abuse is finished, & guilt because you feel relieved. You can’t fully prepare for all the things you’re going to feel, & it’s going to hit you hard. Try not to judge how you feel. Just accept that you feel as you do, & you’re OK. Speak only with supportive & understanding friends or relatives only about your feelings. Others will judge you harshly & not understand. Journal about your feelings. Read others’ stories about how they got through it. Don’t rush the grief- take whatever time you need to get through it all. Most of all, talk to God. Lots! He is there for you & wants to help. Let Him!

Also, you may need to grieve other things such as the loss of friends or family you thought would be supportive of you & turned out not to be. I learned last year that sometimes it’s possible for people to steal your grief. What I mean is when you should be grieving the loss of your parent, you’ll also have to deal with other things, such as people attacking you for not “doing the right thing” by your narcissistic parent. You may find it helpful to mentally put them in a box for a while as you grieve your parent, then deal with them later. I wrote about this topic in more detail in this post: Stealing Your Grief There’s also a follow up at this link: Update On “Stealing Grief” Post

You’ll get through this painful time, Dear Reader. It won’t be easy, but it is possible. xoxo

47 responses to “When A Narcissistic Parent Is Dying”

My father died recently. He wasn’t a narcissist but I grieved our relationship my entire adult like (the last 30 years). It was a shock because he died so suddenly, but so far I have been okay because I grieved him while I was living. When your father dies, you may find that.

Also, I often think of the narc in my (old) life – how would I feel if he died? I would still feel that he got off lightly. I would still feel that death is too good for him. That’s the awful thing about narcisssitic abuse – that they will never be sorry for the pain they cause, because they are so evily righteous.

Are you tempted to go and rub his death into him? Tell him he’s going to burn in hell? I would be. I know, it would mean hatred and it would mean we are no better than them, but you must have imagined it. 🙂

I understand grieving a person while they’re still alive. I’ve done that myself with both of my parents. It’s a strange thing, but I think a necessary part of healing from narcissistic abuse.

No, I’m not tempted like that. I wouldn’t wish hell on anyone, even if it’s deserved because it’s so horrible. I also feel vengeful thoughts & fantasies are a waste of time. I’m too realistic for that sort of thing- it’s just my personality. I need to focus on the here & now. Not trying to sound critical at all because I get that things like that help some people to cope. I just don’t happen to be one of them.

Thank you for writing this. I’ve been thinking about this lately. My mom isn’t in the best health. I fear my siblings shaming me and making me feel guilty when that time comes. I wonder if I’ll feel guilty. I know I’ll stand strong and my husband will support me.

They probably will do that to you, sad to say. If you know what’s coming, you can be prepared at least some for it, atlhough chances are, you can’t be fully, 100% prepared. The good thing is you have the support & love of your husband- that will help you a great deal. ❤

Wow.. that’s great you didn’t have the flying monkeys to deal with! They are a burden enough but worse so at such a difficult time. I’m extremely grateful to God for helping me stay sane & stick to my boundaries in spite of the ridiculous guilt & pressure!!

This is great advice. I’ve had to think about what I’ll do if informed that my mother is gravely ill. Her health isn’t good and she’ll soon turn 87 so it’s inevitable. My siblings may not even tell me, which would be the best thing for me. But they’ll probably choose to demand that I see our mother and attend the funeral. Neither would be easy or serve any good purpose and there would likely be painful consequences to both or to just staying away. And that’s the frustrating thing about this situation. No matter what I do I will, once again, suffer N abuse because narcissists don’t change. They use every situation, even illness and death, to abuse, and I’ve suffered enough at their hands. I plan to leave it up to God to tell me what He wants me to do and to give me the strength to obey Him. But I don’t want to deal with this. Maybe that makes me a coward but I don’t care. I’m just done with the abuse, and done with the pain. I hope she outlives me.

Suzanne, that’s the smartest thing you can do, in my opinion- leave it up to God to tell you what you should do. He told me with mine, He’d rather I not go, but will support me if I do. Saying He’d rather I not go was good enough for me to stay away no matter what.

No, it doesn’t make you a coward at all. It makes you someone fed up with narcissistic abuse. That isn’t a bad thing at all. ❤

Interesting comments made in this article. I am guessing that a narcissistic parent is much like an alcoholic/addict parent who is rarely was able to put the child’s interests’ first. I think everyone has to look after their own feelings and do what feels right to them. Al-Anon families learn “tough love” which usually goes against normal instincts and soctietal norms too.

I’d go so far as to say that anyone who enables a N to continue to abuse does not love the abuser. If they did they’d tell them plainly that they are sinning, in need of true repentance, and jeopardizing their immortal soul. But most in the milieu of an abuser take the easy way out and just remain silent or even participate in the abuse by condemning the victim. They believe they are taking the moral high ground and being kind to the abuser (while being cruel to the victim), but the opposite is what is really happening.

You know Suzanne, so many people think of love in a completely wrong way. Even well meaning people may think they’re showing loving behavior by enabling an abuser. It’s really sad, but people don’t often understand what true, Godly love is like. Plus, like you said, many want to take the easy way out by not confronting abusers. It’s also easier to confront victims since unlike abusers, we’re usually pretty safe. We can be confronted without screaming, raging, etc. in return. Loving people God’s way isn’t easy. It take courage & not a lot of people have that courage.

Hope I don’t sound like I’m defending flying monkeys, by the way.. I’m not. These are just some things God showed me as to why they do what they do when I was curious about it at one point some time ago.

Wow…talk about Devine intervention! I really needed to read words such as yours, I have been fraught with guilt having been in no contact for 10 months with my N parents. I literally had to move to the other side of the country because I feared for the safety of my family. I just caught word that my N father will be starting end of life care. He comes from a rather large flock of siblings who I can only assume suffer from various mental appendages as the well runs deep in terms of familial abuses. I can feel the pressure starting to ramp up- he would be the fist among them to die. Years ago, I watched as a few of my aunts gave up many things to care for the father that manipulated them all like ponds throughout there lives. As I learned more about the disorder and spread my wings outside of the family realm- I began to see how toxic things really were. As a Christan this was a hard thing to do – judging people for what abuse has turned them into – and turning my back on it and then. I became concerned about how it would rub off on the next generation…my children. I am praying to God daily asking for guidance and thank you for the community you have created hear. I have felt removed from the general population for so long because of what I have experienced from being abused.

This verse sums a lot of things up…I wish my parents had of become familiar with it:

1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

If you notice, there isn't a whole lot of information on the topic of the death of narcissists out there. I really think more needs to be said on the topic, to prepare victims for what can happen so they don't get so overwhelmed. Even knowing what may happen, it can be overwhelming, so any preparation a person can have is a good thing, I think!

Thank you so much for writing this. I’m going to see my narcissistic mother today. She’s in the late stages of dementia. Thank you for putting God so clearly in the picture in such a supportive role. I struggle to do that because I feel guilty about my feelings towards her. Thank you for giving me an alternative view where God has got my back and is loving and upholding me through the struggle.

You’re so welcome! I understand the guilt- I feel that as well with my own parents. It’s only natural to feel as a caring person. That doesn’t mean it’s right however! People reap what they sow, & no one can reap a harvest of love after sowing a lifetime of sowing the seeds of abuse.

God definitely has your back! He will be with you as you visit your mother. ❤

Hi Cynthia. So my father was a nasty narcissist. He died on 13/12/2017. He was sick for 3 months, so we half expected it. I was sad when I heard he was sick, and when I got the call at 02h20 the morning, I cried for like 3 minutes. I cried the next day for 2 minutes. Since then, nothing. I am trying to remember the happy times, but all I can hear my father say is “no matter what you achieve in life, I will never be proud of you”. He said that to me a few years ago. Among all the other nasty, hurtful things he said to me, that sticks. I can;t remember the happy times, no matter how hard I try. he treated my mother like crap for 49 years, he had MANY affairs and even fathered a son that is not my mothers (he always thought we didn’t know). The last thing he said to my mom (2 days) before he died, was … “You F#@$ everything up” I want to mourn for him, he was my father after all and I know he was mentally ill (narcissist), but I cannot seem to forgive him. I feel like a failure, I feel God will punish me one day for not grieving. I just can’t help how I feel. The drams I have are the worst. I’ve dreamt my father comes back to life, but all he did was swear and belittle and shout and moan, so much so that I wished he would die again. Am I normal?

I’m so very sorry for what you’re going through! ((((hugs)))) From what you said about your father, how could you grieve his death?? This wasn’t a kind, loving dad you’re describing- he sounds like a monster! I would have to say how you feel is totally normal under the circumstances!

I really can’t believe God would punish you for not grieving. Feelings just are, they just happen. You aren’t deliberately trying not to grieve. Your feelings are very normal considering the type of man your father was. My father wasn’t nearly as cruel as yours & I really haven’t grieved losing him either. People reap what they sow, & if someone is abusive, how can it be expected to miss & grieve that person when they die?!

Please take care of yourself… write in a journal, talk to someone safe & non-judgmental, pray.. most of all, be understanding with yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for how you feel!

I have a facebook group you might like to check out. It’s full of very kind, supportive people, many of whom have also lost a narcissistic parent. It’s called Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug if you’d like to check it out.

Another thing I should’ve thought to say.. when we have narcissistic parents, we pretty much spend our lives grieving for them when they’re still alive. Grieving the bad relationship, not having the parent we wanted, our lost childhood… by the time these parents die, we really have virtually no grief left in us for those parents. We’ve done it already.

Thank you for your kind words. I’ve been thinking and you are right. I have mourned for my father whilst he was still alive. I’ve always looked at other father’s and daughters, giving each other hugs and laughing together, and it made me uncomfortable. I cant even imagine me and my dad acting that way. I also think that maybe I’ve forgiven him all his harsh words and flaring temper, but its left bad memories that won’t go away quickly. I think i will join your facebook group, because i still feel so guilty about not mourning even though i know its not necessary. I also can’t help thinking how easier my life is now. Even though he lived 1000 km away, he always had that power over me. Every time i did something my first thought was what he was going to think of it. Im free

I’m sorry.. feeling the way you do is so hard, I know. I share many of your feelings.

The bad memories won’t go away, most likely.. but as you deal with them, they will lose their power over you. They’ll feel more like remembering a bad dream than reliving a horrible experience. Unpleasant, but not overwhelming.

Thank you, thank you so much. I recently received word that my father is dying of stage four colon cancer. I’ve dealt with everyone (even my own siblings) acting like I’m awful for not wanting to be around him, but I can’t take it. He’s made me feel awful and after years of abuse this isn’t something that’s simple. He hasn’t seen me since I was fourteen (I’m 19 right now) and he’s as mean and rotten as ever. Thank you for helping me feel not completely alone.

You absolutely aren’t alone! There are a lot of us out there who have been in your position. Not that it feels that way at the time, I know. If you’re interested, I have a Facebook group, Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug. It’s full of very kind, caring & supportive people. No pressure of course- just making the offer.

What I said in the post still goes, minus the prayer parts naturally. Don’t let people pressure you into doing what they think you should do. Do what feels right in your heart & ignore their input. Block abusive flying monkey’s access to you. Don’t let people tell you what you should feel either- they aren’t you. You feel whatever you feel, acknowledge it without judgement & deal with those emotions however works best for you. Have realistic expectations. If you opt to say goodbye to your parent, don’t expect some deathbed revelation of her bad behavior, because that virtually never happens. Also, if you opt to attend the funeral, be forewarned- the flying monkeys may make you miserable, so think long & hard before deciding to attend. Lastly, don’t expect anything normal about your grief. It will be absolutely NOTHING like normal grief, like when someone you love has passed away. Your emotions will be all over the place. You’ll probably feel a lot of relief & guilt for feeling that too- that’s what I hear most often & experienced myself. The relief is totally normal though & nothing to be ashamed of. Talk as you need to with the caring, understanding, non-judgmental people in your life all during the process. You will need the love & support. Hope this helps you, & I wish you the best! ❤

That was EXCELLENT advice you gave. My son just notified me a few hours ago that my NM, who I am in NC with, probably won’t live past 24 hours, I wish it were me at this point. Yes, I’ve been praying to God. I do not want eternal separation between me and Him. But I know that nothing can separate me from His love, and God has been helping me all through the narcissistic abuse, giving me support. I just feel if I called, or even skipped class that I just started yesterday and do not even know if I could make it up to go across the country to the funeral, would things change – at all? I have no reason to believe that if they changed it would be for the better. I wish to God I was wrong. I just wish there was just one person at least in my life who understands or doesn’t pretend to not understand, and who can be constructive in their advice to me and not play such games.

I’m so very sorry you’re going through this! It’s so hard losing a narcissistic parent. So much confusion & conflicting emotions.

It’s hard finding anyone who understands, I know. If you’re interested, I have a facebook group called Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug. The members are very caring & supportive. No pressure to join of course- just letting you know in case you’re interested

I am just beginning this healing journey with my dying narcissistic mother. I was there for her after a short separation for her first throat cancer surgery. About a year later the cancer was back and there was talk of another horrible surgery. They determined it was too risky a surgery and she now lives out her days with her two new kittens she acquired. On my last visit she was short with me, though I was there to help. I had to travel the 3 hours home on a Sunday evening for work the next day. She blew up after I commented that I was “sorry we were such a disappointment to her”, meaning myself, my husband and kids. I probably shouldn’t have said that, but she harbors grudges and keeps bringing things up that normal humans would simply move on from. She left me with the words “have a nice life”. I again did not contact her for almost a month, and she has since revoked us from her will, which included information that she had given up a child for adoption several years before I was born. She is now doing everything she can to spread lies about my husband running our household as a cult and how he’s blocked us from her on Facebook. We’ve never done anything to her, but disagree. I am now back and forth between guilt, anger, and hurt and praying to God on what to do. I may never see her again before she dies, but she’s disconnected herself from us. I am thankful for articles like this, supportive friends, and husband to walk through this with me. I am starting to see a Christian counselor, because doing it God’s way is the way I’d like to go. I’m so glad there is support out there.

I am so very sorry for what you’re going through. It’s sheer hell & I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. You are doing the right things though I believe. Seeing a Christian counselor & praying. These situations are all so unique, you really need God’s wisdom on the best way to handle it. You’ll also need His strength since you may end up under the attack of the flying monkeys like I was.

Keep doing what you’re doing… God will get you through this. I’ll pray for you too. ❤

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