5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 6, 2015

1. Indiana Jones Survives Yet Another Plane Crash

According to Harrison Ford's son Ben, the 72-year-old actor who was hospitalized yesterday after crashing his WW2 vintage plane into a golf course is "Battered, but ok!" Ford's publicist later issued a statement saying explaining that "The injuries sustained are not life threatening, and he is expected to make a full recovery," which is good news, as he probably has a submarine to jump onto or something.

Harrison Ford should know better than to attempt the Kessel Run in a Cessna.

2. Ted Cruz Now Supports Legal Pot, So It Might Be Time For You To Reconsider Your Position

Sen. Ted Cruz—who criticized Barack Obama last year when the President refused to prosecute pot growers in Colorado—has apparently changed his mind and now supports states' rights to legalize marijuana. While speaking at CPAC earlier this week, Cruz offered, "If the citizens of Colorado decide they want to go down that road, that's their prerogative." This would mark the first reasonable position held by the Texas legislator, and it's probably making a lot of marijuana supporters wonder if they might have something wrong somehow.

how to win the war on drugs i) legalize all drugs. ii) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

3. More Than 300 Members Of Not-Pro-Gay Organization Sign Letter In Support Of Gay Marriage

More than 300 Republican leaders have signed a letter asking the Supreme Court to support same-sex marriage in its upcoming historic decision. Among those who have signed the letter are Rudy Giuliani, David Koch and several tops aides to Mitt Romney in his 2012 presidential campaign. "One of the points that I hope people appreciate when they read the brief is that supporting marriage equality is, in fact, the conservative position," explained organizer Ken Mehlman, who helped propel George W. Bush into the White House by appealing to Americans' homophobia.

The beginning of the "Uh, yeah, well, Republicans actually were always for same-sex marriage" alibi. http://t.co/YioXDpFl6g

4. Religious Fundamentalists Literally Bulldozing History

One week after ISIS released footage of its members destroying 3,000-year-old artworks in an Iraqi museum, we are now learning that the extremist organization is literally bulldozing its way through the ancient Assyrian city of Nimrud, because they apparently worship a god who is as disdainful of priceless historic artifacts as my nine-year-old idiot nephew.

Made sure to tweet at my older son to not join ISIS. He said he won't. Got that covered.

5. Creators Of Hideous Blanket-Robe Hybrid Fined $8 Million

Allstar Marketing Group—the makers of that ridiculous Snuggie thing that my wife keeps threatening to buy—have been fined $8 million dollars for years of false advertising. While I'm not particularly upset with the ruling, I have to admit that I kind of feel like they did a pretty great job of representing their product as something I would never want anywhere near my person.