Friday, 30 October 2009

i hurt me

I wonder why we do this to ourselves.. Why do we go over and over things in our minds that cause sadness, heartache, regret, and a dozen other similar emotions.. I find it extremely difficult to forgive and forget but am starting to do so.. But one thing I can't seem to do is forgive myself.. I can forgive the whole world yet I can't forgive myself for my actions! I blame and blame and blame myself over and over again for things that happened a decade ago.. Am I a masochist?? Do I enjoy self inflicted pain ? Or is it my way of teaching myself a lesson? I do not know.. All I know is that if I'm always reminded of my mistakes I won't do them again.. I judge myself harshly yet I don't give a damn how people judge me and I never did.. Why bother when I'm the harshest judge around..

Point is why do we choose to put ourselves through the pain of remembering?

14 comments:

Because we are responsible for our own actions and we have no control on others. We always want to be close to perfectness and we don't mind others making mistakes just to tell ourselves we are superior and we can forgive them.

"I blame and blame and blame myself over and over again for things that happened a decade ago."

Dear fourme,I have been exactly like this for long time but since very recently I am trying hard to change.You know why?Because,I used to blame myself to the point of having OCD,and as a consequence something happened and it hurt a lot.If not for mi silliness of not forgiving,It would not have happened.Thats when I started hating the beast called "unreasonably-high-perfectness-quest" or demanding too much from oneself.Of late I am trying to think and act differently and reasonably than before.

Not sure you have observed this:

We eastern cultures feel the western culture is insensitive and selfish.But they explain it saying that being less demanding helps in goods things happening in future in lives.This is better than sweating in fear that the good things were only in the past and clinging on to them dearly and trying to undo past mistakes and criticizing oneself for making them.Easier said than done though.

About the Jack-in-a-box : I may have played with such a toy but never heard its name.Anyway I thought you probably were referring to my height and implying that I could fit in a box ;-)

Isn’t that called conscience? Well I think those who always blame themselves are the honest ones. Some people will go around hurt others and act reckless and won’t feel a thing. I know it’s so painful when we actually did nothing wrong still can’t stop beating ourselves hard. But I do believe that when we get screwed by some one, it’s also our fault we let it happen. And so we do deserve that guilt feeling. Sweetie that pain and doweling on the past is part of who you are. Because some lucky people do have that off button that can EASILY delete it all and start fresh :(

Perhaps its because we dont want to forget what hurt us in the first places..The constant reminder of pain, will makes us more aware next time..

I used to be the same, hard to forgive and forget as well, but eventually its alot easier to let go & despite it all ive learned to forgive myself, put the past behind me and let go cus it constantly kept holding me back..being surrounded by such negativity doesnt do any good.

I understand exactly where you're coming from and how you feel. Guilt is one of the most destructive emotions, but the bright spot is that it shows that your conscience is very much alive and kicking. And that's a great thing. Having said that, I think it's unhealthy for guilt to be allowed to reign in your mind and heart unchecked. If you can manage to accept your humanity and the lack of perfection that comes along with that and if you can see that there's beauty and goodness to be recognized (and not just mistakes to be regretted) it might just make you feel a little better. It's true none of us our perfect and we may have hurt ourselves and others - BUT, it's also true that we've done some good, added some value, made some things a little better, no? I have to remind myself of these this too, I’m not just saying this to you.

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Cancer I did not give you the right,To invade my body and take a bite.This is my body and with all my might,I will prevail with one hell of a fight.To the cancer inside, I will battle and kill.For that is my body's God given will.To my cancer, these words I do send.Your life is short and near the end.