Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

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• If there's really a hockey player named Masterb who wears the No. 8 somewhere, the marketing possibilities are limitless. If not, dude here one-upped "Therapist" Steelers jerseys at the expense of being labeled a self-pleasure enthusiast for the ages. [E-Phemera]

• Speaking of Therapist, Grendon Bailie, a seventh-grader at Truman Middle School in Tacoma, Wash. became a hero to Stealer nation — and a likely litigant in some sort of freedom-of-expression lawsuit. You see, rabble-rousing Grendon opted to wear a Pittsburgh jersey on a day when kids were only allowed to violate the school's "strict dress code" with Seahawks gear.

"Not everyone is a Seahawks fan — and if they got to wear their team stuff then I should, too," Grendon said. [Seattle Post-Intelligencer]

• Some really old guy thinks Tiger Woods lost his mojo. Thanks for that, really old guy. [Golf Channel]

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• When you sideswipe a stretch limo taking some Packers to see the Bucks with an '89 Sable, there will be hell to pay. Or, some traffic fines. [Journal Sentinel] (H/T Don W.)

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• Tipster Sara K. figured there was something we could do with that there picture of the moment Kevin Love "grabbed a rebound" against Washington [Star Tribune]. Kevin like ball.

• David Beckham might be allowed to practice with Tottenham, but Tottenham doesn't seem to think he'll be in match shape anytime soon. [Daily Mail]

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• The good people of Kingston, Tenn. won't be shooting at bobblehead dolls of Lane Kiffin after all. [Fox Sports]

• A young lady got canned from her gig at a Minnesota McDonald's because she allowed Adrian Peterson to use the bathroom [The Consumerist]. Peterson felt "terrible," but not as terrible of the unemployed lady [Twitter]. An unemployed lady who apparently isn't unemployed anymore [Twitter].

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• The Panthers/Predators game featured a stick to the face, just like Panthers/Predators games always do.