Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
3322

Top 10 Things That
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmm... I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits. Neil F.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
3323

Junction
Two men who work in a railway junction-box are switching shifts, as one goes up the metal steps, the other comes down and they meet half way...
"Hey Ron, you should have been here last night, man, it was great. I noticed something down on the railway track and when I went to check, it was a beautiful naked woman tied to the track. I untied her and man, I'm still trying to convince myself it happened. We went into the junction-box and had wild sex in every position, it was amazing."
"Wow, you lucky bum, did you get fellatio?"
"No, I couldn't find her head." Paul Haines

Wednesday

Joke
N°
3324

Things To Ponder10. Why does the sun lighten your hair, but darken your skin?
9. Why don't you ever see the headline, "Psychic Wins Lottery?"
8. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
7. Why is it that doctors call what they do "Practice"?
6. Why is it that rain drops and snow falls?
5. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
4. Why is the man who invests all your hard earned money called a broker?
3. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
2. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
1. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Arnold M.

Thursday

Joke
N°
3325

Three Wishes
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day, he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside.
The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now. The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit made his wish. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." This confused the two even more, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, gestured toward the bear and said "I wish this bear was gay." and took off like a bat out of hell. Adam Doolittle

Friday

Joke
N°
3326

Bad Dog

Ian B.

Saturday

Joke
N°
3327

The Sergeant
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day, the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for this morning's formation. "Okay men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!" Phelo Tshabalala

Sunday

Joke
N°
3328

Three Texas Aggies
Three Texans go to Mexico for a night of drinking and fun. They wake up the next morning in jail and cannot remember what they did the night before to get there.
After a kangaroo trial, they are sentenced to death by electrocution. Secured to the chair, the first Aggie is asked if he has any last comments before his sentence is carried out.
"I went to the School of Divinity at Texas A&M and I'm convinced the Good Lord has me in His hands and will protect me from all harm," he says.
Having so declared, they throw the switch, only to have nothing happen. The Mexicans shrug and decide that maybe Providence did have a hand in it; so they let the first Aggie go free.
When the second Aggie is secured and asked for his last comments, he declares, "I attended the A&M School of Jurisprudence. I'm a convinced the Law protects the innocent!"
Having said this, the Mexican executioner pulls the switch and nothing happens. The second Aggie is also set free.
The third Aggie is dragged to the chair and securely tied with the straps.
"Señor, what are your last words?" the Magistrate asks.
"I attended Texas A&M School of Electrical Engineers; and I can tell you one thing: you're never gonna get this thing to work if you don't connect those two wires!" Alegra