Thursday, February 12, 2009

Thursday Thanks Tank #74

This week there is only one thing on my Thursday Thanks Tank. I am thankful for my husband.

There is a S.W.A.K. carnival going on at We Are That Family. The point of the carnival is to write a post honoring your hubby. I have enjoyed making lists about my husband. He has no idea (or he didn't until now) that I have been doing it. It has been fun to think about the history of our relationship. It has been fun to think about all of the ways he is dear to my heart. Regardless of whether you enjoy my story (I hope you do), it has been heart-warming for me to remember.

When I was a little girl, I prayed for the man I might marry one day. I prayed that God would be with my future husband. I remember just marveling at the idea of praying for that man I would marry.

As a young adult, I lived in the moment. I did things if I thought they would make me feel good. I didn’t know it at the time, but ultimately I was searching for contentment. It started in high school and it defined me as I started college. I tried knowledge and achievements. But, I figured out pretty quickly that an excellent score only felt good as long as you weren’t thinking about the next test. I tried physical pleasure, but the substances and activities were a fleeting euphoria and I came down harder than I went up. I tried relationships: finding validation and purpose through loving others. I found that it was wonderful but it didn’t give me peace. No one was making me completely happy. I could never totally make others happy, either. Every time I tried some pleasure, my heart’s cry was “That was good but I want something better.” My search for meaningful relationships, led me to realize that there wasn’t a person that could make me feel satisfied. I struggled with love. Love was so amazing but it could be so fleeting, too. People could endearing but hurtful. What did it mean to love? I struggled to trust people and to be willing to love with my whole heart.

In the middle of this turmoil, I fell for my husband. We began dating toward the end of my senior year in high school. I went away to college after I graduated and he stayed in our hometown. Our relationship was rocky that first year of college. The very night I came home for summer break, the boy-turned-man gave me an ultimatum. He said, “You choose – either him or me. You have to choose now. I cannot wait.” In truth, it was either them or me (but he didn’t know that until much later). I knew that he didn’t deserve me. I feared (with an ache deep in my soul) that he couldn’t love the real me. But, I couldn’t let him go. I chose him.

I had to realize that love cannot be seen or quantified; it just has to be trusted. In learning to trust, ultimately, I also began to learn to trust God. “God is love” became real to me. God cannot be seen unless you believe he is there. Through my own selfishness and ignorance, I hadn’t been able to see Him or much else besides my personal fulfillment. I recognized that having faith and being faithful requires dedication and a resolve to let go of selfishness. I decided to have faith. I decided to trust there was a God who loved me a sent his son to cover my failures. I took a baby step- a commitment to trust- and I was granted contentment and something I didn’t expect: joy. My relationship with Christ has given me undefineable joy.

My husband gave me a real glimpse of unconditional love. I thank God for my husband. I thank God for answering the prayers of a little girl. I am thankful that he gave my husband such a big heart. I am grateful that he used my husband to reveal my need for faith in God and a consistent relationship with him.