Recently, my prelude to a discussion of the film Paranormal Activity 2, had a brief allusion to the film Red and discussed how the primary reason I was able to even try to care about the movie was the presence of Mary Louise Parker. I have just adored Ms. Parker since she was on The West Wing, so imagine my concern when I receive a comment on that piece saying that Parker was “batshit crazy" (specifically the "one of the nastiest, most bat-shit crazy people in Hollywood”). This, of course, let to me pondering the origins of the phrase “batshit crazy” and wondering where such a, if not common certainly not rare, epithet might have its origins.The last sentence of the comment gave me pause. It asserted, clearly referring to the Weeds actress, as follows; “I think she has rabies.” I found this alarming.

Rabies is a contagious disease. Beyond the potential rabidness of the exquisite, if surgically altered, Ms. Parker, there are other concerns. If Parker had rabies then Bruce Willis, almost certainly, would have contracted it.I tremble to think about what a monkey wrench that might throw into the development to the shooting schedule of Die Hard 5, Will You Just Fucking DIE Already.Even more alarming, the lovely Parker also had scenes in close proximity to Dame Helen Mirren and John Malkovich. If Mirren, like Willis, went rapid there would be absolutely NO chance of a Caligula 2 Electric Boogaloo. If Malkovich were to fall victim plans for Being John Malkovich Again might well be scotched. Let’s not even get into the potential issues faced by the cast of Weeds.

But back to “batshit crazy.”

I have to assume that given my interlocutors’ placing this description so near the notion that the talented and stunning Ms. Parker might be rapid implies a connection between “batshit crazy” and “rabies.” Many believe that bats are a primary vector for the spread of dread hydrophobia, ergot inhaling dried bat droppings might make a person, left untreated, “bat shit crazy.” Years ago writing for a real publication I contacted the Bat Conservation International in Austin, Texas to ask them a couple of questions about the flying mammals and the spread of rabies. They told me back then, if I recall correctly, that all mammals could theoretically carry rabies. Bats, however, are small; a bat that gets bitten is unlikely to survive long enough to spread hydrophobia. However, if one bat gets rabies, being very social animals, they might well spread it to their entire colony. A CDC report concurs stating, “For example, even among bats submitted for rabies testing because they could be captured, were obviously weak or sick, or had been captured by a cat, only about 6% had rabies.” My ultimate aim here is to prove, at least beyond a reasonable doubt, that Parker is NOT rabid and remove a great deal of worry from my mind about the potential damage to the film and television industry.

First of all, although we have already dispensed with the misguided thought that Parker contracted rabies from a bat, let us look into bats of Southern California and the spread of rabies. I have no idea where Ms. Parker lives. I am just assuming California (she is originally from South Carolina and may also have previous rabies experience, which makes it even less likely she would approach a rabid animal). There is an alarming notice about how most California wild animal cases are in bats and skunks. Nonetheless I posit that it is unlikely Parker handled either species, even if she lived in West Hollywood. Without quoting statistics human rabies cases in the United States are rare and even in wild animals the disease is fairly well controlled. Another way to, at least circumstantially, show Parker is not rabid is to examine symptoms. The symptoms of rabies vary and can apparently be different in humans and other animals. For our purposes we need only concern ourselves with human symptoms. One of the obvious symptoms of rabies comes from the diseases medical name, hydrophobia. Those afflicted with rabies fear water. There are at least two scenes, one in a bathtub and another in a swimming pool wherein Ms. Parker demonstrates no fear whatever of water (see above video). Humans afflicted with rabies also have headaches, pain, irritability, itching near where the infection site and later music spasms in the throat that lead the foaming at the mouth symptom alluded to earlier. While such "irritability" might well be a reason my commenter referred to Parker being one of the "nastiest" people in Hollywood it is hardly conclusive proof of rabies infection. In later stages those with rabies have hallucinations, seizures, paralysis and death. We will assume the commenter is asserting Ms. Parker is in the early stages of rabies therefore we will not deal with these later stages. Such advanced rabies would make it difficult to act in even a Jerry Bruckheimer film. After examining numerous episodes of Weeds (especially scenes in bathtubs), I can state unequivocally that I observed no undue itching, spasms or mouth foaming. Ms Parker did not seem to be in inordinate pain from a headache, although that is difficult to gauge. Irritability is likewise difficult to gauge and it appeared Ms Parker’s characters seem to exhibit neither more, nor less, irritability than was required in a given scene. While there are scenes in Weeds where the actress did become unhinged it appears to have been the intent of the writers of that scene. In one case Ms. Parker leaps into a pool in the final moments of the scene. It would take a both skilled and forceful director to coax such a performance out of a rabid actress. I doubt even Alfred Hitchcock could have managed it. Maybe John Derek. I believe I have shown it, at the very least, highly unlikely that Ms. Parker is afflicted with rabies in either the early or latter stages of the disease. I would further suggest that if anyone, even tangentially associated with the sultry Ms. Parker, might be rabid it is those who wrote the screenplay for Red.