So twice as many registered voters believe in shape-shifting reptile manipulators than are members of the NRA, or are just smart-asses who answer “yes” to everything in meaningless surveys.

So why aren’t the reptile-conspiracy theorists on the news every night and shaping America’s policy?

3 Policies We Suspect Believers In Shape-Shifting Reptiles May Advocate

1. The only way to stop shape-shifting reptilian people is with more shape-shifting reptilian people. So we must genetically engineer good, law-abiding reptilian-humanoids and place them in every school!

2. Birth certificates of any length are insufficient proof that a candidate for office is not a reptile. All political candidates must submit to DNA tests, or in the preferred alternative, testing to see if they can scurry up fences!

3. With the right amount of advertising on our issue, and lots of yelling, we lizard-conspiracy-theorists, too, can end up on all media outlets who feel that presenting both sides of a story, no matter how unreasonable one side may be, is fair or balanced reporting or even “news.”