A bisexual blog. Because sexuality is so much more than gay or straight

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Bisexual and over 50 4: Lynnette

Here's the latest in the series of email interviews with bi people over 50. Other potential interviewees always welcome - do get in touch!

Each of the "interviews" is written by the individuals concerned, with the questions in bold coming from me.

*****

My name isLynnette McFadzen and I live in Portland, Oregon, USA. I
am a 57 year-old single white cis-gendered woman with three daughters and four
grandchildren. I am single and, at the moment, celibate.

I am disabled but have had many occupations in the past, from
nursing to chainsaw chain packaging. The packaging job is where I lost most of
my hearing but it really started way before then. After the death of my
estranged husband and my mother, I had my biggest breakdown and attempted
suicide. That time I sought help. I spent the next 10 years healing and
figuring out why my life was so dysfunctional. There was no room for
relationships during that time.

How did you come to think
of yourself as bisexual?

Last year I had finished my second round
of chemo for Hepatitis C that I probably contracted as a nurse in my 20s. Not
that it is important where I got it - Hep C is non-discerning. The first round
failed so I spent a total of two years in treatment. That's a lot of down time
to think.

At the end I felt ready to try dating and
my old demons re-emerged. I found women attractive. I always had. My first
crush was on Audrey Hepburn and I had a series of “girl crushes” throughout my
life. But I truly believed all the lies I had been told about bisexuality.I spent
the best part of my life proving to myself I was heterosexual and somehow
broken and wrong inside. I know that was a contributing factor to my depression
and suicide attempts. I really believed my loved ones would be better off
without my evilness. What saved me was realizing I could not leave the legacy
of suicide to my children and grandchildren. My father had done that to me.

I had never really acted on my same
attractions but once and it was a disaster. But with the help of good friends
and family I began to learn bisexuality was not what I thought. I turned to the
LGBT community and was met with disdain, coolness or outright hostility. I was
shocked and disheartened.

So I searched for a bisexual community and
eventually was able to find it online. I made good supportive friends with
similar stories and similar struggles with internalized biphobia. Through this
I was able to accept that, yes I am bisexual. But it took some searching And
the search engines at the time were not much help.

It also spurred me to help others like me
who felt lost and alone and confused to find and build their support, and
realize they can be proud. And have a community of their own since I am limited
physically I decided to learn to podcast. And with friends and volunteers we
created The BiCast. A podcast for the bisexual community.

What does being bisexual mean
to you?

It means being a complete whole person with
no internal shame or feeling of wrongness. Of understanding myself. It means
being at peace with me. It has really to do with sex and everything to do with
self love. And knowing that just because I am bisexual it doesn't alter my
moral compass at all

How
has this changed over the years?

I just came out last year. Doing that to myself was the biggest
issue. The climate is changing for the general public perception of
bisexuality. But the biggest reason I could not accept sooner that I was
bisexual was because of what most people believed as I grew up and many still
do. That it is a lifestyle choice, that you are shallow, indecisive,
hypersexual, liars and all round morally bankrupt. It is changing, but not fast
enough for me.

What do other people in
your life know about your bisexuality and how do they react?

Everyone knows I'm bi. It's part of being on a podcast about
bisexuality. My family and friends are totally supportive. I am blessed with a
diverse and loving family and have been fortunate to find amazing people as
friends. I am a lucky one. I am in a really safe place.

Looking back over your
life so far, is there anything you wish you’d done differently?

I wish sometimes I had come to terms with this at a much earlier
age. That I may have dismissed a good relationship as a possibility based on
gender. That I had not tortured myself for no reason at all.

I get a bit melancholy but then remember it gives me a better appreciation
of the happiness I have now.

What about your hopes or
fears for the future (regarding bisexuality)?

Truthfully, I want to see how all bisexuals are treated change, and
help others understand they are OK.

Any
words of wisdom for younger bi people – or older ones?

For both really. Don't believe what you are
told. Find out your own truth. Stay strong.

YOU ARE NOT WRONG. YOU ARE NOT BROKEN.
YOU DESERVE RESPECT.YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING. YOU ARE BISEXUAL.

Would you like to help combat bi erasure
and increase the visibility of bisexual people over 50? There are plenty of us
out there, but far too many people don’t know that.

I am looking for other individuals over
50 who would like to contribute their “email interviews”, as Lynnette has done
here. For more about what to do, look at this post.