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Sadness

Today is Self-Injury Awareness Day. Why do people self-harm? There can be a number of reasons, the main ones being as a distraction from the pain they are experiencing in their lives, as an outlet for the pain they are holding inside, as a way to feel because feeling emotions can seem to overwhelming, or as a cry for help.

If you recognise this in yourself, it’s really important that you seek professional help. You don’t have to be in this alone. Why not call for a free telephone consultation to see how I could help you? I can be reached on 0845 130 0854.

If your feelings could talk, what would they say? Feelings are the physical representation of emotion. They communicate your wants and needs. They tell you when you are happy and when something isn’t right.Yet, all too often, we ignore them. Sometimes this is because of the way we were brought up (it isn’t nice to be angry, big boys don’t cry, etc) and sometimes it’s because we have no idea how to deal with them, or because the feelings are too painful.

Negative feelings can be a combination of events from the past, stresses in the present and worries about the future, even though the only reality is now. If you find yourself over-reacting to situations, it is unlikely to be simply about what is happening in the moment but instead is likely to be an emotional resonance with what has happened in the past- a reminder which supports a limiting belief.For example, someone being late to meet you for lunch may remind you of all the times that people have let you down, whether intentionally or otherwise, and may perpetuate a limiting belief of “I am not important”.

So what happens? We learn to suppress and repress our feelings and this can lead to problems in relationships and even our health. It also leads to distracting behaviours. When we feel bad, we often distract with food, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, shopping, gambling etc. But this does not deal with the underlying problem, it simply disguises it for a moment or two. When we suppress in this way, the underlying problem grows in intensity – like it is shouting to be recognised.It doesn’t matter how much food, alcohol, tobacco or clothes you have – it will not help you feel less bored, anxious, frustrated, depressed or lonely. Those feelings come right back and you need more of your distractor to help you feel “normal”. It is a vicious circle and it’s important to deal with the core issue when you can.Ask yourself: “How much do I have to eat (buy/drink/smoke/work/etc) to resolve this issue?” Distractors are ultimately unsatisfying because you do not truly meet your emotional need.

FEELINGS AND ASSOCIATED NEEDS

There are eight main negative emotions. Here is what they mean:

Primary Feelings

Feeling

What it's telling you

What it wants

Boredom

Lack of Challenge

Fulfilment and growth

Anger

A sense of unfairness or of a boundary being broken

To make things fair and create clear boundaries

Guilt

Feeling that you have been unfair or unkind to someone

To make amends

Sadness

Loss (real or imagined, person, status or item)

To feel whole

Lonliness

A lack of connection to yourself, to others or the world

Meaningful relationships

Inadequacy

Feeling unworthy

To feel good enough

Stress

A feeling that you have more to handle than your perceived ability to cope

A feeling of control

Fear

Feeling insecure or in danger

To feel safe and secure

When these primary feelings are ignored, they can lead to frustration (that what you are doing is not working) and, ultimately to depression. The only way to avoid this trap is to learn how to deal with your feelings constructively. There are four ways of doing this:

1. SELF-COACHING

a) Name the feeling
b) Identify the cause of the feeling (unfulfilled need, want or desire)
c) Identify a satisfying response (an action that fulfils the need, want or desire)

2. COACHING OR THERAPY

Often it is helpful to work with someone who is skilled at helping others. They can steer you through the complexity of your past. For more information see www.pw-hypnotherapy.co.uk.

3. PRACTICE EMOTIONAL FREEDOM TECHNIQUE

This is a wonderful technique that helps you to manage your emotions constructively. For a demonstration on how to do this, see www.self-help-resources.co.uk or contact Tricia Woolfrey on 0345 130 0854 for 1:1 coaching on how to do it.

4. HAVE HEATLHY DISTRACTORS

Doing something positive can help you change state naturally. Try the following ideas:

Do some exercise – a great way to relieve stress and help you feel in control

Keep a journal – writing down your feelings can be very cathartic

Declutter your home/desk – clutter is a way of hanging onto negative emotion so decluttering can be very therapeutic

Start doing self-hypnosis – an excellent way of maintaining a positive outlook and feeling relaxed (see the book An Inside Job ™ – coming soon at www.pw-hypnotherapy.co.uk)

Call or see a friend – maybe someone you haven’t talked to in a while

Do something kind for someone – there is no better way of instantly feeling good

When you listen to what your feelings are telling you and respond appropriately, you are on your way to feeling a lot better about yourself, gaining perspective on a situation and having a healthier relationship with yourself and others.