THE BEGINNING OF A WONDERFUL FRIENDSHIP

Saturday, December 5, 2009

She was tripped by a sunflower. "I am DONE!" she exclaimed as the tomatoes she was carrying tumbled out of her arms. Heaven can stop the waves. If you put all the bits and pieces of your dreams throughout your lifetime in the correct order, you would get a beautiful story. There's a little fetus in my pumpkin, so be gentle, keep it warm. There's a thrift store in my heart, where you can get anything I don't want anymore at low prices.

Did you lose your "World's Best Dad" mug? The dog has stomach pains, there is nothing we can do. I was in the corner of the restaurant for jewels when I saw them. Two sapphires, I could tell they were meant for each other. They were having a romantic dinner, watching the sunset. In the storm two telephone polls fell and hit each other. One said "no" and the other one said "don't get your hopes up". When there are storms I hide in the bathroom, the bathroom is the safest place. When I am sick I don't talk. When I am happy I eat. When the Earth is happy she floods the neighborhoods with pink lemonade and sings as loud as she can. When I pass away, lower my coffin as softly as possible, bury me in the middle of the woods, and leave me alone with my dreams. Don't worry, I'll see you in them.

My mom just got back from the ugliest dog contest. We all won, and we all got gold trophies, and cookies, and tamales. Last night I snuck into this mans cubicle, opened up all his drawers, and replaced all the papers he had in them with daffodils, marigolds, honeysuckle, and daisies. I think he'll like it. When I eat food I try to make it fit into the pieces of food I've already eaten, like Tetris in my stomach. Mister Mouse won't let go of me, he says I need to lose weight, he says to lose weight I should try eating negative food. When I was five I would hallucinate, I saw shadows moving in the hall, it scared the fuck out of me. I also saw blue and red lines flying all around the room, it didn't scare me at all. I kind of liked it to be honest. I'm the king of something.

Give or take a couple hundred keys to your parents room all on your best friends hoop earrings. Didgeridoo music will fill the air right as you step off of the jet. A crocodile will also rise out of the murky depths of the everglades to congratulate you. After attending several million parties, you'll drive home to your pad and pass out in the doorway. The next morning, when the janitor is cleaning the hallways he'll come across you and steal all the business cards you've collected over the last twenty years. When you wake and discover he has done this, you will weep, and the person the next door down will come and try to comfort you. You leave the building together, and live in the beehive till your hearts are golden and dripping with honey, and you've met the queen.

Friday, October 30, 2009

You can find her sitting on the wing of a passenger plane, usually on it's way to Hawwaii. Don't make eye contact with her. If she asks you to play checkers, just ignore her. If she tells you she has a fever, just ignore her. If she casts a fishing rod down into the clouds to maybe catch some cloudfish (don't worry she always lets them go) that's a good thing. That means that she is making progress. Smile at her.

I hope you learned something today, but just in case you didn't you can have this Dark Chocolate Hershey bar. Yeah, I can still fit into those jeans.