The suburban folks attempt to navigate life's trials and tribulations. The constant juggle between family and the search to remain relevant. Pop culture for the culturally challenged. Advice and rants for the jaded and cynical.

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Thursday, September 13, 2012

Songs that Should Never Be Heard Again (Part 1)

There is plenty of music out there. It amazes me that new songs are created day in and day out. Not to mention the catalog/canon of jazz, pop, rock, classical standards from years past. Which is why there are some songs that simply need to go away. These songs have become tired caricatures and should be laid to rest. Together, we can help make a difference. Future generations will thank us.

1. Van Morrison "Brown Eyed Girl" Van the man has at least two dozen songs that deserve more airplay than this little diddy about a girl and her dark eyes. The opening chords alone send douche chills up my spine and I know I am not alone. Well, since the unauthorized clip listed has well over a million hits maybe I am. Not to mention all the drunken sing alongs overheard at college parties, tailgates and weddings. But the song sucks. It did in 1967 and it does now. Try this instead... it won't hurt a bit: Van Morrison "Wonderful Remark"

2. Lynryd Skynyrd "Freebird" The quintessential Southern Rock Anthem. Over long, over played and in a word, over. We love these guys and wonder what might have been if that plane didn't crash. But that does not excuse this mediocre anthem from filling the airwaves over such gems like "Tuesday's Gone" or "Saturday Night Special".

3. Led Zeppelin "Stairway to Heaven" Although Robert Plant's live improvs ("Does anybody remember laughter?") are amusing this song is not. Long, cumbersome and played the hell out. Yes, Jimmy Page is legend. Yes, John Bonham and JP Jones absolutely kill it. But they did all that on just about every record they made. (Save for "D'Yer Maker" and a few other notable misses.) They did it with acoustic guitars. They did it in 3 minutes. They were incredible. Take this for example: "Gallows Pole" or "In The Light" Why these songs never get radio play is a mystery. They make "Stairway" look pedestrian in comparison.

4. Jimmy Buffett "Margaritaville" The whole Parrot Head Nation thing escapes me. Not that Buffett isn't good, as his many loyal fans will be quick to tell you. It's just this song... this stupid, stupid song. Wait, maybe I was thinking about "Cheeseburger in Paradise." Ugh, that should be banned too. He has quality stuff, right? The Hoot Soundtrack was pretty darn good. Yeah, let's direct you there: "Good Guys Win" or "Floridays"

5. Neil Diamond "Sweet Caroline" So many things wrong here. Is it written about a child? Rumors say he penned it for Caroline Kennedy. Can we tolerate old folks adding lyrics to the chorus "So Good! So Good!" No. Awful and cringe worthy is an understatement. Sing-a-longs are creepy to begin with. This track takes it up a notch. It's like writing an anthem about the US no one was asking for. Oh wait, he did that too: "Coming to America"

Let's leave you with some goodness. It is September after all. "September Morn" Now that is how you do it!!

What say you? Any tracks that need to go away forever? Are those listed off limits? Offended?