Gun Tsar Ferdinand is ready

Rio Ferdinand's appointment as the Government's anti-gun crime tsar has already been criticised after it emerged that the Manchester United defender is involved in a bitter dispute with Didier Drogba of Premierships rivals Chelsea.

End-of-the-line Prime Minister Tony Blair believes Ferdinand who has been involved in sex scandals, drug scandals, homophobia scandals and often drives too fast is the perfect person to set an example to young kids, who in the past few months have been murdering one another with bewildering regularity.

Snoop Drog

But the news that Chelsea striker Didier Drogba has released a so-called Snoop Dog-style rap album under the uninspiring moniker Drogbacite has enraged the normally placid Ferdinand. "I'm the only Snoop Dog-style player in the Premiership, and I'll get my Glock to any mo-fo who says different. Shit," he blathered while pointing repeatedy at the Onion Bag's Larry Gak and surrounding himself with impassive, large men in sunglasses.

Soup Droog

One of Ferdinand's many nicknames is Snoop. Others include Rizla and Jar Jar Binks. A source close to Ferdinand fears he may lose his cool and "pop a cap in Drogbacite's A."

Ludovico Technique

A spokesman for Didier Drogba last night dismissed any fears for the player's safety. "It's obvious this is another one of Rio's hilarious wind-ups. But if that homey shows himself in the Drogbacite's 'hood, we'll call up Method Man and Masta Killa to get that punk with their AKs..."