This video describes a new Facebook feature called Lifepoint, which, according to the reporter: “Analyzes users histories to determine exactly when things went wrong.” So now you can actually pinpoint the exact moment when you “irrevocably ruined your life!” Of course, this feature isn’t just for charting your own life, but perfect for seeing how your life holds up against the lives of your friends and families (since you know everybody’s keeping score) and even when your favorite brands sh*t the bed. (Dexter, I’m looking at you.)

Ahhh, I give. It’s an Onion video, of course. But is it really that crazy? Being that Facebook now actually encourages you to ask your friends why the f*ck they’re single, it doesn’t seem all that far fetched to me. In fact, Zuckerberg and his cronies are probably already elbow deep in developing Lifepoint as we speak. LOL, sucks for you, boners at The Onion, because we just turned your satire into reality!