I have the great privilege of getting to teach young actors at Loyola University in New Orleans. I say this because, just like raising my kids, my students teach me so much, and remind me continually of why I decided to pursue this career in the first place. For me, getting the opportunity to engage with these artists who are SEEKING is crucial to maintaining my own sense of wonder and questioning when it comes to the work of an actor. I also really treasure getting to share my real-life audition, work, triumphs and failures with them. It was something I wasn’t often afforded in my own education as an actor…. and I always promised myself that I would be sure to share what I learned – and AM learning – about the pursuit of this work.

I teach one, sometimes two classes each school year – SUZUKI TRAINING in the Fall, and ACTING FOR CAMERA every other Spring, and this is one of the odd years I get to teach ACTING FOR CAMERA.

As I began, this past Fall, to revisit my syllabus from 2017’s ACTING FOR CAMERA class I forced myself, once again, to really unpack what I was teaching, to decide what was working, and what was not – and to do the most important thing in a business that changes constantly: make sure what I was teaching was the MOST CURRENT. It is never my goal as a professor to “overwork” my students, to load them down with assignments until they feel overwhelmed. But it IS my goal to make sure they leave the class prepared, and BETTER at what they do.

This is a daunting proposition in an undergraduate program. There is only ONE camera acting class they will take in four years, and my class is ACTING THREE. By the time they take my class they have taken ACTING ONE and ACTING TWO, and have a good theatrical base for their training, but I have one chance… just a few months, to relay all the information I can to make them walk out of my classroom… and into a casting director’s office.

As I looked over my 2017 syllabus something came over me… I realized that in 2017, I auditioned about 50% of the time LIVE in an audition room, and about 50% of the time I sent in a self-taped audition. Fast forward to now. I NOW audition about 15% of the time LIVE in the room, and 85% from a self-tape. I further realized that ALL of the major roles I have done since 2014 have been cast DIRECTLY from my self-tape. No callback. Just my tape. This includes: THE WALKING DEAD, SUN RECORDS, RECTIFY, LOGAN LUCKY, and a bunch of other stuff.

The syllabus had to change. So it did. In 2017 I focused mostly on the nerves, preparation, and the last-minute nature of the LIVE AUDITION. But I knew that THIS YEAR, I had to focus equally on the self-tape, or I would be doing a disservice to this one, little, short ACTING FOR CAMERA class my students will get in their 4 year actor-training journey.

I am trying to remember this same mentality as it applies to my LIFE as well as my own acting work. What worked? What didn’t? What helped me to truly be prepared (as much as i can be) for what is coming next? What needs to change? Is there anything I deem “too precious” or anything I really feel like “I’ve figured out”? Those are the things that probably need the deepest examination.

CHANGE is a big, scary word sometimes. Especially as we get older and set in our ways. I am not taking about the changes LIFE throws at us, in a way I think those are sometimes easier because the older we get, the more we come to expect disappointment, job changes, death… I am talking about internal CHANGE.

The first day of class I always just get every student on camera, in a “loose from the shoulders up” shot, and I just interview them. I don’t ask anything difficult or particularly deep, just some “who are you? What did you do for Christmas?” type of questions. And then we watch the tapes back. There is a more complex part of this exercise that is too difficult to explain in this already too-long blog post. But ONE of the things I do is point out to each student their particular distracting quirks.

You raise your eyebrows a lot.

You clench your jaw between answers.

You are holding your breath ALL THE TIME.

You twist your mouth sideways when thinking.

You look up, or down, or sideways a lot and it distracts me from just listening to you and enjoying who you are.

I preface these things I notice by saying, “I don’t want you to get overly fixated on this or obsess about it. I just want you to KNOW. So you can choose to do these things IF they serve the scene you are doing, but you can also choose to NOT TO USE THEM when they DON’T serve the scene.”

This is what I mean by the big C.H.A.N.G.E. Noticing those things which are habit. Not obsessing about them or fixating on them. But noticing them. And realizing that just by noticing them, you gain power over them. And THEN, you can use them to serve you when it fits, and let them go when they stifle you.

Having children has been the greatest gift to my life. And to my work as an actress. I was warned often about the perils of having kids when you are an actress throughout my earlier life. Initially, it was some who thought that I couldn’t really be BOTH a great artist and a mother. Later on, I was actually told that it would cripple my budding acting career if I ever even mentioned having children – because at my particular stage in my career it would be seen as a nuisance. That is probably true. But when I tell you that I would not be able to access what I now access as an actress without the birth of my two kids – know that THIS is what is really TRUE.

The touching stories you hear about actors bringing their babies to set, having them nearby to snuggle or breastfeed between scenes are wonderful, and I have great joy in my heart for those actors who are well known enough to have enjoyed that privilege. For the average working actor, however, that is a luxury never afforded to them. I understand why, it isn’t feasible to have every parent of a toddler, or baby, bring the kids to work! But for lower level actors this often means being away from their newborns (even!) for weeks at a time. As a supporting character, or recurring character, we actors are often traveling away from home for work, and so even the joy of coming home from work to our families is not a possibility.

I worked with an actor once who had a newborn, and we spoke quite a bit on set about the heartache that comes with leaving your littlest ones to pursue your art. Since this actor was the leading character, the production – which was quite progressive for the time – was making sure the actor’s schedule was flexible and very respectful to their need to be with their newborn. The actor’s family had moved to the town we were working in temporarily, so that this actor did not have to rely on strangers to help with the newborn while the work was going on. I didn’t tell this actor that I, too, had a very young baby thousands of miles away that I was missing. I didn’t want them to feel guilty, because ultimately, we have the same struggle.

But I think about all the actors who have chosen to have children, and I see the richness of this struggle and the depth of this experience in their work. And the same is true for me. As with all aspects of life, I find myself saying things to my kids in an effort to teach them, and within hours I find myself laughing about what I said. Laughing because the “wisdom” I am dispensing to my kids is something I need to hear and apply to my own life as well.

Is it Alice in Wonderland who said, “I give myself very good advice but very seldom follow it?”

The most recent grain of wisdom I found flying back into my face surrounded this:

One of my kids got the retro Nintendo game for Christmas. It has something like 37 games on it, MARIO BROTHERS, CASTLEVANIA, basically, all my favorite games from way back on one machine. We had Christmas at my parent’s house this year (they live in the same town), so he opened the gift there fairly early in the day.

As the day went on, all the cousins wanted to play his Nintendo… and he got fed up with having to share. This is an unusual change for my son, he is generally very generous, but by the end of the day he was beside himself with all the requests from his cousins to play. Once it was clear the kids were losing their collective shit we decided to pack it up and head home for the night.

On the drive home, he was still brooding and even a bit weepy about it. I told him, “Buddy, you have got to maintain perspective on this! I know you just got this game, and you want it all to yourself, but YOU decided to play with it at the grandparent’s house. If you do that, you have to expect that the other kids are going to want to play too! You need to keep the perspective that, yes, you will have to share this for a FEW HOURS today, but once we are home, it is YOURS and you can play to your heart’s content! This time where you have to share it is FINITE (explained what finite meant) and after that, it’s all yours. So, get some perspective.”

He understood and adjusted his attitude.

Later on that night, as I started to panic about this coming year, and the work that may or may not be afforded me as an actor, and what may or may not happen with the TV series I have written or the film I’ve written I started cracking up. I mean, you could probably make a 2 hour film by now, using the graveyard of audition tapes I have made over the last few years call it, ALL THE THINGS SHE NEVER BOOKED. I have circled the globe in pursuit of financiers, networks, all the people I need to make my series or film happen. And I sat there boiling in this stew of disappointment without…. guess what? Perspective.

I remember when my son was born 10 years ago. When he was an infant, he was a horrible sleeper. He slept no more than 1.5 hours at a stretch for nearly the first year of his life. On a day when I felt like I might throw myself off of the roof, I called my Mom in a panic. “I can’t keep doing this! I can’t! I am losing my mind!” My Mom said, “it isn’t always going to be like this Ann.” Perspective.

It isn’t always going to be like this. Thanks for the lesson Mom. And thank you God for my kids.

I started this process because I knew I couldn’t continue as I had been. I had fallen into a habit of being consistently disappointed by people, and my career. I found myself consistently asking the question “why?” about everything – why was I having such a bad dry spell as an actor, why couldn’t I make my children’s clothing line work, why why why.

I started reading Marianne Williamson’s book TRIUMPH TO TEARS after reading an article about it.

The book talks about separating your suffering self from your spiritual or essential self. The essential self remains untouched even in the midst of massive suffering. This applies in so many ways and in so many areas of life… and, of course, since acting is my life work, I apply it there too.

When the work goes dry for a period of time, there is a tendency to identify with the actor who is not getting work. And to assign blame. Often, the people in place to help us attain work will help us on the journey to assigning this blame. Because no one wants to think that perhaps it just IS for now. Because then, how can we be doing our jobs? There MUST be a solution, it MUST be something we are doing wrong, there MUST be something or someone to blame.

When we suffer, and it truly is suffering if you love and are fulfilled by the work you do, we start to separate from the inner true artist we are… and all kinds of doubts, fueled by our egos, start to creep up.

Suddenly I must have lost all talent I have. It’s gone. It was all a fluke. Everything I have done up until now was meaningless. Suddenly I am an actor that never trained, and not just in school, in life – continually refining and observing and collecting – no I am back to square one. It is as if I never set foot on a stage or in front of a camera before.

I start to identify with statements like, “it’s the audition tape quality”* (see below for a little bit of insight into this), “it’s your size”, “it’s your look”, “it’s your age”, “you are too well known/not well known enough”, “you don’t have the connections you need to make this happen.” And suddenly I am separated from the Source. The Source that created me to be this, gave me this passion for what I do. Suddenly, I identify with this other self… the not good enough self. And it is as if all the lights in the world shut off all at once.

I am attached. Attached to outcomes and opinions and the ego-feeding glory that comes with this profession. And I am detached from that which is unchangeable: the artist soul that I was created to be for a specific purpose: to bring more love into the world.

So, I am plugging into the light again. Distancing that self who has suffered recently from lack of work, and looking at her as something separate from the untouchable soul of an artist that cannot be made greater by work or recognition and therefore cannot be made less by lack of recognition or work. The admission of this, in and of itself is a risk if I buy into the dark world-view that the only desirable actress is one who is too busy, too out of reach. I cringe in writing this and sharing it but it TOO is part of my attachment to that suffering self, and all the doubt that comes with her.

This is applicable to all aspects of my life right now. The soul that exists independent of and unaffected by suffering. It doesn’t mean that I don’t cry, or get angry, or get frustrated… it just means that I plug back into the light to gain perspective and remember that my soul remains strong and untouchable. This applies to the soul of the artist who works, who trains, who always seeks to grow as well.

I recently had the chance to flex my Acting muscles on camera in a way that hasn’t been afforded to me so far in my film and tv life. It was awesome and exhausting and exhilarating and devastating, and I found myself repeating “thank you Lord” over and over. But as soon as i wrapped, that ugly fear set in again. “Will this year be as tough? Will I ever get to do this again? When will I be trusted on this level on a regular basis?”

The answer is – maybe always, maybe sometimes, maybe never… but the artistic soul remains untouched regardless of the answer.

So now the journey is…. how do I continue to plug into the light that allows peace within despite what suffering may occur?

Praying. Meditation. Reading. Any time I can plug into the Source and detach from outcomes and ego… I can withstand anything.

To that end, I am going to start a practice of praying for my fellow actresses out there. I have always prayed for friends and family when in need, or just because. But, I think I must remember that we are all part of that great ocean out there… and we can indeed have one another’s backs in more than just word and deed… but in prayer. We are all seeking the same thing.

*Quick note about the quality of audition tapes. I am in no way suggesting that doing an audition tape where you cannot be seen or heard or there are distracting backgrounds is a good idea. However, I AM saying that I have booked jobs from spectacularly technically beautiful audition tapes, and tapes where I was out of town and had to prop up a cellphone on pill bottles and aim a shitty reading light at my face. (The latter being a Steven Soderburgh film – and he cast me himself from that shitty quality tape.).

Of course, as often as possible, you want your audition tape to be easy on the eyes and ears, but that is not always possible given life circumstances or crazy time restraints. And sometimes you DO want to gamble. I have gambled by using an actual door in a scene where the door figured prominently in the scene. I figured I should be cast for my ability to act the part, not my ability to qualify for the “MIME OF THE YEAR” competition. I booked that one.

I have gambled by bringing a boom box with a choreographed number (merely mentioned in the script, not asked for in the audition) into the room for a live audition. I booked that one. See: BIG MOMMA’S HOUSE 2.

I have gambled and lost – but of course you don’t hear about those. And you don’t hear if you gambled and lost because of a bold choice or environmental choice or prop choice.

I don’t know that there are hard and fast rules about this, except to be heard and be seen. Now that I am doing a lot of Los Angeles taping there seems to be a taste for super slickly produced audition tapes there. But…. how do you know if your tape will actually stand out if it isn’t like all the others or not? You don’t.

With all the articles about actresses having their children on set with them, about production companies making room for actresses to still be mothers while working, it may be tempting to believe that the film and television business is quite progressive nowadays when it comes to supporting working mothers. Recently, I was on set working in New York City, and the female director and I got into a conversation about this. She said, “I think it is so wonderful how far we’ve come with productions accommodating mothers and their children on set.” I paused, deciding if I was going to share some of my own experiences… I didn’t want to be seen as a complainer. Have you heard “don’t want to be seen as a complainer” recently in another context? Perhaps attached to the #metoo movement? I am here to assert that #metoo isn’t just attached to sexual abuse on set, but also to sizeism and definitely to motherhood on set. This director was astonished when I relayed some of my experiences.

There is a vast inequity in who is given space and accommodation to care for their children on set. While I am absolutely thrilled for a name actress who “has her child’s playpen just off set to be able to nurse between takes,” there are millions of stories of actresses who are never afforded that opportunity. I am one of them. And I hear a new story every day about other actresses dealing with the same issue. There is a reason I disappeared from acting for the first three years of my oldest child’s life – I knew no one cared about my baby, my nursing, or anything about my life outside of what I could offer them as an actress. And with my son, we lived far from any familial help. I wasn’t prepared to leave my 8 month-old with a stranger so I could seek out work. Knowing if I booked said work, it would mean lots of time away from my newborn. And in case you didn’t already know it, there is ZERO maternity leave for actors. So when we take time off to care for children, we stop being paid.

It first happened once I was pregnant. I had a very healthy pregnancies with both of my kids, no issues. I booked a role on a film when I was about 4 months pregnant with my second child, so I already looked pregnant. Filming was in a month, so I told them I would be showing more. Producers initially liked the idea of my rather sexual and forward character being pregnant. So I booked it, and started working. This was not a leading role, but about 2 weeks of work, which I was excited to have.

I got my dates for shooting, and two days before – as I was preparing everything I needed to to leave my then 5 year old son with his Dad to go on the shoot – I got a call. They had recast. It was too much of a “risk” to have me on set while pregnant. Huh? I got no money. I lost the work. Keep in mind, I was simultaneously doing a two-woman DANCING AND SINGING MUSICAL onstage… so… double huh? So you can imagine my dismay when I read all the gorgeous CGI stuff and camera angle stuff tv and film folks do to hide other actresses’ pregnancies, right?

My youngest child was a little over a year when I booked some work that would take me away from her for 9-14 days at a time. I didn’t even ASK production if I could bring my infant. In fact, an agent actually told me that I SHOULDN’T TELL CASTING DIRECTORS or PRODUCERS that I have children. Because as a person who is NOT traditionally the lead actress or a series regular on a show, it would just cause me to lose work.

I gave up nursing my newborn daughter so that I could do that work on that project It was a balance for me. I could bring in money, or I could nurse my daughter. Pumping wasn’t an option – unless I had pumped and then figured out how to freeze and mail my milk home – this was a far away from home project. But when would I pump? I had times on set when I had my period but I didn’t want to interrupt a take or a series of takes and be seen as “troublesome” or “a complainer” so I bled through everything. So asking for breaks to pump so my milk supply wouldn’t dip? Impossible.

The inequity of motherhood on set is that if you are FAMOUS ENOUGH, or IMPORTANT ENOUGH to the production they will gladly make any accommodations for you as a mom. It is in their best interest to do so. What would happen if they lost their lead actress because she didn’t want to give up nursing her baby? Bad for business. But that secondary character, that recurring character, that supporting character… she needs this work, she is expendable – so we aren’t even going to entertain that. It isn’t overt. No one says to you, “YOU, lead actress, you can gladly bring your baby to set and nurse her as you need to – but YOU secondary character, you CANNOT bring your baby to set.” It is done much more subtly. Which is why that one agent probably counseled me to not even REVEAL that I have children.

I was on set on another project with a new Mom, and I admired her for being back to work so quickly. I admired her even more for taking breaks as needed to pump, and carrying her ice chest around with her to keep the milk cool till she could get to her trailer and feed her baby herself. I admired the other new mom whose tireless partner showed up at all breaks and lunches to hand over her baby, so they could snuggle, and feed, and reconnect. And my heart broke thinking that this was a luxury that was never afforded to me, and that the time has now passed where I need to do this anyway.

The inequity of motherhood, is that a series regular on a television show, for instance, who is already making anywhere from $25,000 to $100,00 dollars per episode on a show is also allowed to bring her child to set. And if necessary, she might be asked to pay a nanny herself, but that is also covered sometimes by production. A secondary actress on the same show, who is probably working for scale plus 10% (which is roughly $900/day or $3500/week) IF she dares to bring her child or children, will have to hire her own nanny and pay them out of that salary. After taxes, and paying 10% to an agent and 10% to a manger. Usually, the secondary characters will work a week at most on an episode. And KEEP IN MIND, that may be the only money that actress makes that month. SO… $25,000-$100,000/episode with childcare paid for, versus $3500 an episode paying for your own childcare, and usually travel. That is IF you decided to bring your child at all. Financially it might not be worth it.

This is not to mention all the “oh shit” moments that happen when you have children. You may have to drag your kids into an audition when they are sick and home from school and your babysitter flakes out. It happens. I have only had one instance where the casting director was understanding about this. It has happened three times in fifteen years of auditioning. But it happens. There is zero generosity of spirit afforded to secondary characters when it comes to us having any life outside of their life as an actress – who is available at all times under all circumstances.

I have had agents request that I spend a month away from home auditioning. What? Leave my kids for a solid month, move to another city, just so I can be available at the drop of a hat SHOULD anything come up? I do this for a week at a time and go home on weekends, but a month solid away from home? Not happening. My children’s mental well-being is more important than the convenience of me being close to auditions. That is why we have audition taping.

The only productions I have ever been a part of that were accommodating to me as a mother were two films I did last summer – both of which were shot by smaller production companies in New Orleans. I cannot tell you how beautiful it was to have my children welcomed, with childcare PROVIDED, at a read-through. To have an “oh shit” moment where my son HAD TO come to set with me, and the production easily making room for him. This is how it should be. I sure could have used this when my children were infants.

Here is the funny thing, I have been meaning to write this post for some time, but I was afraid to. Why was I afraid? Because I don’t “want to seem like I will be troublesome” or “be difficult”. #metoo needs to extend to sizeism and mothers. I am sure there are some folks already thinking, “You know what? If you can’t make all the accommodations productions want then shut up and let actresses who will take your place.” Maybe I will.

If you haven’t read Part One be sure to do so, as you will need to reference it.

Jan 29, 12pm

I get a call from my agent. He has an audition for me for a great CABLE show. Let’s call this one MONKEY BARS. Character is dark and sad. I mishear what my agent says on the phone (I am hard of hearing), and THINK I hear that the audition is due at 3pm TODAY. As in THREE HOURS FROM NOW. This is not unusual in my previous experience, so I kind of flip out and jump into working. This means I have to schedule someone to pick up my two kids from school, so I can tape when I would have been traveling 1.5 hours round trip to get both of them, and so I can focus with what little time I have.

12:05pm

Frantic call to best friend and fellow actor Nick Thompson to see if he can drop everything and come tape me. He can. Thank GOD for him.

12:10pm

ACCENT FIRST:

I start my process, knowing it will be a bit truncated. Focus first on accent! This is a REGIONAL accent I am unfamiliar with, and it crucial to the story. David Alan Stern and learnaccent.com/ to the rescue again. I also YOUTUBE some people from the region and listen to them for a bit.

I go to work on the script, they didn’t give me the whole script this time, so I am really using that Tim Phillips method of “SHERLOCK HOLMES-ING the text” to glean all the clues I can from this one. So many questions I need answered to even begin to act this one authentically, including the names of several other characters and things that they are doing/have happened to them – and NO REFERENCE MATERIAL for who they are or what happened.

I do my best to memorize, but it is six pages of THICK dialogue. Whew.

1:30pm

Nick shows up and we start taping. I am rusty on this one due to a lack of time, and it feels horrible. I warm up eventually, and we start getting great stuff.

2:15pm (you read that correctly)

I start loading the audition into my computer, and as I move the takes into the editing bar I realize… even though the camera was showing that it was taping, it was cutting off one minute and 30 seconds into EVERY SINGLE TAKE. The scene? It’s nearly FIVE MINUTES LONG. Something is up with my camera. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. I have 45 minutes to get this fucker in.

It was not Nick’s fault, let me be clear, the camera was running, but somehow it is not transferring into the memory card. FUCK ME. Now we have to retape.

2:30pm

I write a panicked email to my agent about the camera glitches and tell him I am retaping. We strap my iPhone to the tripod and dive in. We tape the second half of the scene, and I will have to be ok with cutting them together – there isn’t enough time to retape the whole thing, import to the computer, edit, and export and send. A five minute audition tape takes FOREVER to export and send.

2:40pm

I upload the iPhone footage into my computer – after cursing and figuring out the AirDrop thing – and as I do so, I notice an email from my agent. “Why are you rushing this? It isn’t due till TOMORROW at 3pm.” Oh man…………

I am partially relieved and partially super-annoyed at myself because I didn’t read the audition notice carefully, as I thought I had limited time. Never going to make THAT mistake again. Well… I have more time, so now I am going to USE IT. I ask Nick if he can come back tomorrow morning so we can try this again – with the iPhone – because I don’t trust my camera now (even though I reformatted the memory card, the internal memory – everything), luckily Nick CAN come back.

3pm-5pm

I take advantage of the kids being with family to work work work in my usual methods. See the previous post. I know when they get home it will be homework, dinner, baths and bed, so I need to use these extra two hours for all they are worth.

8pm-10pm

One kid is in bed, and the quieter one is awake – but he understands when I say I have to work – so I buckle down and work some more before heading to bed.

January 30, 9am

The kids are off to school, Nick comes over, and we tape. This time, it is so much better. I have had the time to put into it, and I don’t feel like a complete hack. Plus, in the extra time I figured out a really important detail about another character… something I was playing completely incorrectly. DAMN am I glad I misheard my agent.

This post is more for the non-actors than the actors – but I feel like maybe there might be some interest in knowing our process – so here goes!

It’s Lundi Gras and Mardi Gras week in New Orleans, but pilot season in the acting world. As a native of #nola and someone who has lived here most of my life (except college, grad school and a few years in NYC) there is something oddly eerie about the “time out of joint” feeling of being in the midst of my city’s most celebratory time of the year, AND in the midst of the big fight for my career all at once.

I have entirely new representation this year, agents and managers, and this means for the first time I have direct access to all the big auditions for this year’s possible series-to-be, and it is such a breath of fresh air. And a lot of stress and work. But I live for that stress and that work. In fact, I find when I am NOT auditioning or working I am the most ill-at-ease.

So, here is a glimpse into the last several weeks in the life of this working actor. In the first couple of entries I will detail my process more specifically, and give each part of the process a title. In the subsequent entries I will just use the title to indicate.

(Sidebar: Most of the audition and show processes don’t allow me to share the role or the show or even information on the network. SO, if I say NETWORK television – it means your channels you get without cable. If I say CABLE it means…. cable. If I say STREAMING it means streaming. Also, any resources I mention here I get no kickbacks for. They are truly the resources I use.)

Jan 23rd, 5am

A new role comes across my desk – via my sources. (Odd that you must have “sources” to know what is going on right?) NETWORK TV, we’ll call this show: CONDO. Character is a single mom, works as a nurse in a specific facility. Age 38-42. Nothing in the description says anything about her size, or about her being “breathtakingly beautiful”, so I think – ok – this is a possibility. I send it on to my managers, who rock.

Jan 23rd, 1pm

I get the audition! Due in four days, which is a crazy luxury. (FOUR WHOLE DAYS???) .

ACCENT FIRST (if there is one):

I buckle down and work on the regional accent the character has first. Thank you David Alan Stern, and https://learnaccent.com/ – he has every regional accent and foreign accent you can imagine, and teaches from the place of resonance FIRST, vowel and consonant changes SECOND. I had the good fortune to study with him in grad school. Go to that site and you can get all of his materials.

Jan 24-25

READING THE SCRIPT:

I also get the entire script for CONDO, a luxury I never had with my previous representation. So, I get ready to read read read. I try to read initially without favoring the character I am auditioning for. Just to understand the story and the tone of the show. Then I dig into the character’s story specifically. While I do this I take notes, and just let my imagination go wild with what everything LOOKS like in the show: my house, the condo, my daughter, the place I work, etc. If someone says to you, “Where do you work?” You know EXACTLY what your workplace looks like. It lends validity to your story because it is TRUTHFUL based on what you PICTURE when they ask you. You want the same thing in the fictional life of your character – to know what everything looks like.

LOOKING AT ALL OF THE CLUES:

As I work, I take everything into consideration – the network station (every station has their own brand… if you carefully look into the shows each channel produces you will see trends), the producer – especially if it is a producer/writer (it is in this one). They typically have a very distinct STYLE that can give you lots of clues into how to approach the work. I think about the character’s name, which I can’t tell you, but writers pick names for really specific reasons. The name Mary, for instance, can have a lot of connotations. The Virgin Mary – hence she is motherly, virginal, etc. OR the writer could have picked “Mary” as an ironic name – maybe Mary is a prostitute. Get it? My favorite resource for preparations for film/tv auditions is AUDITION FOR YOUR CAREER NOT THE JOB, the work of the master Tim Phillips. Here is his website – www.timphillipsstudio.com . You can go there and download his book, DVDs, all kinds of great resources. I am thankful to James DuMont, who was my husband in BAREFOOT for introducing me to Tim’s process. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0003069/?ref_=nv_sr_1

MEMORIZATION:

Then, the memorization starts. I don’t memorize with any specific inflection in my voice, as I don’t want to lock in any choices. My choices aren’t really ready yet, but I want to know the words as if they are in my SUBCONSCIOUS, because this will allow me to play moment-to-moment when I start taping the audition, and take everything off of my partner.

TAPING:

I bought my own set of lights and camera several years ago, and it is a lifesaver. I have several great actor friends I can call to come over and read with me, and not having to find a studio or taper, and pay someone every time I need to tape is just… financially crucial.

I don’t allow myself to tape too many takes, as I want to be sure I remain in the true state of what LIVE AUDITIONING is like. You MIGHT get two takes in a live audition, but more often than not it is ONE take. So, I don’t want to get into the habit in my taping from home of allowing myself to do things over and over. I prepared for my taping the same way I would for a live audition (if time allows!), and force myself to be on point.

EDITING:

I edit the video very simply, no title cards, no crazy fade ins or fade outs, none of that. Fade to black at the end quickly. I send the tape in.

Here is where the process is strange and can be very nerve-wracking if you cannot let go of your auditions. I say this because I am not always great at letting go. I obsess over some characters, and hope hope hope I will hear something. Other characters don’t haunt me as much and are easy to let go of, but for your mental health you really need to have the “Next!” attitude about your auditions.

You send this audition in, and it is as if it disappears into the ether. You don’t know what they think of it, you don’t hear back unless you get a callback, so all that work just kind of… disappears. Now, if you consider every audition a chance to show your chops, it is quite different. It disappears, but you know even if you don’t get THIS role, you will be remembered as a prepared and compelling actor… and who knows what that could lead to in the future.

I can’t show you the entire audition for CONDO, but here is a little glimpse of what I looked like for the character. Stay tuned for Part 2 of this PILOT SEASON blog.

So, I know I am usually all positivity, sunshine & rainbows flying out of my ass… but I have had some experiences in the last half year or so that have me in a troubled and questioning place. I always promised myself that when I started this blog I would be honest about my experiences… even if they may cast me in a not-so-great light – or show that all is not hunky-dory with my career. This is difficult, as it is partially the actor’s job to make it seem as if all is going gangbusters at all times, lest you seem like you may be not as successful – and desperate. That is why you can be looking at a fellow actor’s Facebook page and assume that they are just constantly busy, but when you bump into them at the coffee shop they usually confide, “Yeah, actually it’s been a pretty scary/shitty/rough year.”

Preface over.

This past summer I made the decision to completely start over from a representation perspective. It was becoming clear to me that I was getting too tied down to being only a “southeast actor,” and I was afraid of getting pigeon-holed into being an actor that does this for a hobby… not a living. I knew I needed to make a leap, and several troublesome instances made that abundantly clear, and so I did. It was super scary, and I really did doubt myself through most of it. In the end, I landed an agent in Los Angeles that really knew and appreciated my work, and a manager who reminds me of my first agent Claudia Speicher… if you know me at all that is one of the highest compliments I can give.

I have had several auditions in Los Angeles in the last few years, but most have them have been rather ideal. I was sent to meet the VPs of casting at a major network, and they sent me to a great Casting Director who read me for the title character in a show. (The show ended up not going forward at all.) These experiences were way different than the cattlecall-ish auditions I had gotten used to in the southeast. For example, coming in to an audition for a guest star role and sitting with 20 other actresses – all of whom I know – and auditioning one by one for a Casting Director. I actually loved those auditions. Just me, the Casting Director, and time time time time. I also started booking things without having to audition at all, which was a goal I set for myself about a year ago. This is all good.

BUT, the second half of this last year, with the change in representation, and all the other chaos that surrounded it, kind of pulled me out of any auditions and work – also fine. But as this new year rolled in, I felt more than ready to get back to work auditioning. So I went to Los Angeles, I had other things to do too, and I had my first LA audition – which was much more like the cattlecall-ish ones from the Southeast. The actual waiting room vibe was QUITE different, which is fine – I am flexible – I tend to roll with things – but there was a very different attitude in LA. Not bad. Just different. Felt way more desperate and sad than auditions in the Southeast. Ok – no problem.

I signed in, and I noticed several familiar names on the list. One in particular. Let’s call her Stephanie Smith. I didn’t have the time to process it at the moment, I wanted to stay focused on my audition. But when I got back to the place I was staying, anxiety swallowed me whole, and I looked up that one actor’s name. That is when it hit me.

Let’s go back about 10 years…

I had moved to Asheville, NC after my house in New Orleans drowned in Hurricane Katrina. I got a call from one of my favorite Southeastern Casting Directors asking me to come in and audition for a series regular role on a new series. WHOA! Very cool. I drove to Atlanta, did the audition, the Casting Director was really happy with it. I didn’t book it. Guess who did? Stephanie Smith.

The show actually ran for some seasons, and I watched it – she was quite good. To be clear – this is not a jealousy thing – just a point of information. She is the same type of actress I am: size 14-16, brunette, can do funny, also does drama, you get it.

Fast forward to right after I had my first child. Again, that same Southeastern casting director called – I was being asked to audition for a Guest Star role on a new show. I drove to Atlanta, really not wanting to leave my newborn, and auditioned. Again, the casting director loved my audition. Guess who booked it? Stephanie Smith. The show she was a series regular on had been cancelled, and she was back to Guest Star roles for one episode at a time.

I blew it off…. until this week. When there she was again… Stephanie Smith. The reason? Not because I had to compete with her yet again. But because what happened with us being in that same audition room – a full TEN YEARS after we both auditioned for that series regular role – was an absolute kick in the stomach. Here she was, this super-talented, beautiful actress – who happens to be my size. She had landed a series regular role in a show with a very famous cast, the show aired for a while, and now here she is all over again. Back in the cattlecall-ish auditions for a Guest Starring role for one episode.

Yikes, I thought. YIKES. For as forward thinking and diverse as Hollywood is pretending to be…. why is this actress back in that same room after all she has done? Why aren’t there shows with leads or supporting leads for her? Why does it MATTER so much what size we are? Why aren’t we 14-16 sized women just thrown into the mix with all those actresses out there competing for the leads in any of the shows out there? Why do all our auditions have to be for characters listed as “frumpy”, or “unkempt”, or “lazy”, or “plain”. Stephanie Smith is anything but plain… or frumpy… and ostensibly, she should have earned a place on a show given the proof of her abilities.

And this got me thinking… how can I even have a snowball’s chance in hell? Am I going to be back in this cattlecall-ish audition ten years from now, no matter IF I finally book that series regular I want (you know the frumpy one… the one who cries… because apparently that is all I can do) – am I going to turn around in 10 years and find myself back here again because Hollywood cannot see anyone as a size 14-16 continuing the climb and having a steady career? We’re just the freaks? There isn’t a lot of room for us in casting in general if we are just the “wild card fat chick” all the time.

So that is where I am at. Strong case of disillusionment. Strong case of – if this is how it is going to be… I don’t want it.