Schmooseday Tuesday

Schmooseday Tuesday - 09/09/1310:39 PM

When I think of talking, it is of course with a woman. For talking at its best being an inspiration, it wants a corresponding divine quality of receptiveness, and where will you find this but in a woman?Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809 - 1894)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Arkansas Professional Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A. '66 Ford Fairlane B. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle C. '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine per hour, how many radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 trees per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14". How many Budweiser tall-boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine at 24 inches on center with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1" thick rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA class 1, division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three guys get to heaven,Bob, Larry and Bill, and before they enter St. Peter warns them "whatever you do don't ever, ever, step on a duck. Once one quacks, they all do, and they make a terrible racket". Bob enters heaven and immediately steps on a duck. So an angel comes up to him and chains a large hairy ugly woman to him for eternity, and says " I told you not to step on a duck". The next week Larry steps on a duck. An angel comes to him and chains a very ugly woman to him for eternity and says "I told you not to step on a duck". Bill hadn't stepped on a duck since he had gotten into heaven, then one day an angel comes up to him and chains a beutiful supermodel to him. He asked her why she was there and she turned to him and said, " I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This guy walks into a bar and ask the bar tender for a drink. He gets his drink and minds his own business and looks up and down the bar. To his amazement, he is stunned to see a 10' pianist on top of the bar. "Hey bartender," he says..."What is that 10' pianist doing on top of your bar?" "Well, you see this lamp?" asks the bartender. "Rub this lamp and you can make a wish, and you will see why I have a 10' pianist on the bar." So the man rubs the lamp and he wishes for a million bucks. All of a sudden, the doors pop open and a million ducks come flying into the bar. "Hey wait a minute!" says the man. "I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks." The bartender looks at him and says..."I didn't want a 10' pianist either."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to eat and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Health TipsQ: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

Re: Schmooseday Tuesday - 09/09/1311:21 PM

Here's hoping you get an intellectual truck, Joe.

Glad you are enjoying the heat, Ana. Hope it lasts for a while longer. I can send you some of mine if you'd like.

It's late Monday night for me, and I figured I would get my post in early as I have to work tomorrow. I may say a quick hello and goodbye in the morning. I'll just have to wait and see how I'm doing on time.

Re: Schmooseday Tuesday - 09/10/1311:38 AM

Terrific Tuesday ya'll

I was a slug this morning...just couldn't fall asleep last night so when sweet hubby poked me at 5:30 I said something incomprehensible and pulled a pillow over my head. Slept a couple more hours and then got up. Spent the next several hours in the kitchen prepping dinner, and cleaning the kitchen and feeding me and dogs.

Now I have about 5 minutes to sip and surf and then out the door to gas up the car and head to the vet. Doc will check out Keoki's knee. I know it is not healed but he does walk on it and gets going at a good pace sometimes so I'm looking forward to see what the vet has to say. I can't leave though til I pull the bread out of the oven. I tried rising a loaf in the frig yesterday. It was nice looking when I pulled it out of the fridge, but then it deflated before I got it in the oven. Good thing we don't really care what it looks like as long as it tastes great!

Hmmmmmm.....perhaps I should have stopped drinking coffee a cup ago...it seems to be not sitting too well.

Re: Schmooseday Tuesday - 09/10/1304:27 PM

Re: Schmooseday Tuesday - 09/10/1304:33 PM

Re: Schmooseday Tuesday - 09/10/1306:19 PM

Cooler here finally. Almost pleasant after all the humidity. Temps around 75 but oh so nice and breezy and low humid. Whew.

My Sister is 'harboring a fugitive'. Yup you heard it here first. Seems a guy at Karioke night left his girlfriend (of 14 years!) and she is looking for him. He's staying with sis and liquidating his storage unit (huge garage sale at sister's this weekend) and then who knows where he will go. What fun.

Re: Schmooseday Tuesday - 09/10/1309:38 PM

Re: Schmooseday Tuesday - 09/10/1310:16 PM

Hi guys. Been watching the new Star Trek movie. I'm lovin it. Tomorrow it'll be in the 90's they say. My day off. I take a trip to The Boston Pain Clinic for 12:00 noon appointment. I hope it's not too uncomfortable. Ana I know you love the hot weather. I do too if it's tolerable.