I’d Rather Not Date A Scandalous Cyborg [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

As Hawk Harrelson would say, “If you’re gonna get a morning…get a good one.” He also never said that, from what he remembers. It’s Friday, June 13 [Fuck] Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 66˚ & raining and somewhere, there is a person that hasn’t been able to go a day in his life without regretting the purchase of Tom Green’s earwax. It was for charity, but that doesn’t discount the fact that it still sits in the corner of his living room, mocking him, making butt jokes, talking in a high pitched voice and doing weird things to pastrami. Meanwhile, I wonder if anybody remembers the guy that bought Tom Green’s earwax at an MTV celebrity auction. Probably just me, the man with a few things on his mind…

– Since moving to New York, I’ve felt something very ominous about full moons in the summertime. As the heat cranks up, people become more restless and agitated. Combine that with a full moon, then you have an entire city going batshit insane. This problem escalates when the full moon occurs on a Friday or Saturday. I usually have to beeline home and then sit by the window and listen to the people hooting, hollering and howling below. I can’t imagine what the environment will be like today, on Friday the 13th. It could be mass chaos, riot central, Thunderdome, Xanadu, et cetera. Hell, I might be able to go looting. Only problem is that it’s supposed to rain all night, which cancels everything out. New Yorkers might be crazy as fuck, but they’re all allergic to water.

– My bed is very supportive. This is attributed to the fact that I’m the only one in his life. If there was a whole family involved, he’d probably have to find a second job.

– For the first time this year, a journalist has stood up for men in general. The Washington Post did a piece this morning about Fathers Day cards and how they are degrading. It’s already clear that the greeting card industry is dead in the water; as the years go by, I end up having to buy so many repeat cards, because there’s simply no variety anymore. But I always have a difficult time buying a Fathers Day card, because my Dad doesn’t like the sentimental stuff. He wants a funny card. But he doesn’t fish, hunt, drink or participate in the act of being a “tool nut”. The only other “funny” Fathers Day card criteria is watching too much TV, which he does with great zeal. So every year, he gets a card that makes fun of him for watching too much TV, pigeon-holing him as a lazy and inattentive father. Not to mention the jokes aren’t even that funny, most cards I pick are because someone MIGHT find them funny and I didn’t buy it the year before. Stuff like this is okay from time to time, as everyone should be able to take a joke, but to make the same joke every year is pure misandry. When was the last time you saw an insulting Mother’s Day card? To be honest, I can’t recall what a humorous Mother’s Day card would even be about. Cooking too much? Fantasizing about hunks? Shopping? Is shopping funny? You get the point. This is why I don’t want to have kids, because I know someday they’re gonna give me a Father’s Day card that says “Dad, you’re a lazy prick but I love you, I guess.” Hopefully by then, they’ll abolish greeting cards completely.

– People are getting carried away with making “pictures” that are just words on a matte background. I saw one the other day that read, “Genius Test: In 20 seconds, write a word that starts with a A and ends with a E”.

– Top 5 Whiskeys, in order

5) Whisky
4) Irish Whiskey
3) Rye
2) Scotch
1) Bourbon

– I rode an M train home the other day. People were confused. I laughed my ass off. You are confused.

– My boss tried setting me up on a date. Already, it sounds like a terrible idea. She’s allegedly a Biology professor that’s willing to go on a date with just about anybody without knowing a single goddamn thing about him. I was not thrilled in the least bit. A Biology professor. What in the name of Al Bundy am I going to talk to a Biology professor about? Cells? Microscopes? The Matrix? I don’t know shit about Biology. I’d be able to relate more to a hippy! In fact, I’d date 5 hippies before I attempt a Biology professor [let it be known that I’m NOT going to date 5 hippies]. Regardless, I decided that I would play along with it. And by “play along with it”, I mean to have my boss give her my number anyways and tell her that I’m free next weekend. She called and left a creepy, robotic voice mail message that’d send chills down your spine. The pauses between words, the generally flat tone, the fact that she recites her phone number TWICE and in the same fashion both times. I still gave her the benefit of the doubt, assuming that she’s just awkward as fuck. Then I researched her name, like any other curious American would do and discovered that she was involved in a sex scandal. So to tally up, we have somebody who I probably have nothing in common with, speaks in monotones, writes poetry about her feet and may or may not be a sex criminal. Despite all of this, I was still planning on calling her back. You can’t underestimate what loneliness can do to a person. Luckily, I was afraid to call her and put it off for days, feigning busyness [or at least I planned to feign busyness]. On the 3rd day, something happened that I can’t put my finger on. I had a conversation with someone and it went pleasantly. My common sense came back. There’s no reason for me to call her because I already know enough about her. There’s plenty of people in this world that I can get along with just fine, it’s just hard to find one that could muster the courage to be attracted to me. There’s no reason to waste my time with somebody I would never want to be with. It’s not called being shallow, it’s called loving yourself. That, and I’m really not attracted to Asian women. Especially ones that are looking for a husband.

– If I see one more stock wedding picture where the hipster bride holds a surfboard, I’m going to flip. Backflip. Wait, is that a surfing trick? Damnit…

– Last weekend, I made the mistake of walking through the East Village in the daytime. While stopped at a red light, a guy walked by. Normal looking, clean shaven, didn’t appear to be intoxicated and definitely was not talking to anybody when he said “No, I hate corn” and walked out in front of a speeding Taxi. Somehow, he didn’t get hit, but damn, I gotta stop going to the East Village in the daytime.

– Top 5 Cheddar Cheeses

5) Sharp
4) Aged Sharp
3) Horseradish
2) Medium
1) English Cotswold

– I like the idea of getting a predictive sports tattoo. I should get a Brewers tattoo that says “2017 NL Champions”, because if it does happen, it’d be awesome, and if it doesn’t, it’s still funny. It’s like robbing the third world kids of their “San Diego Chargers: Super Bowl XXIX Champions” T-Shirts.

– Bowling is awesome. It’s so expensive. I fucking hate bowling.

– This week’s Letter To Coze comes from Military.com:

Veterans don’t need 20% down

Damn straight!

– Try this trick over the weekend: Keep calm and make a Keep Calm poster, because they’re lolz.