Thursday, May 6, 2010

Hockey Hot Shot Sean Avery Lists Chelsea Condo

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oooo-weeee children, Your Mama does not know a javelin from a skee ball but despite our deep ignorance about most things athletic we are none the less going to attempt to discuss pro hockey hot shot Sean "Puppy" Avery and his real estate ways.

A wee peek and poke around the interweb tells Your Mama that this Sean Avery person is a lot of things: he's Canadian, he's a notoriously mouthy hot head who picks a lot of fights on the ice, he's a clean freak, a fashion freak, a bar owner, and he is–or was–an intern at Vogue. That's right, celery sticks, Mister Avery interned at Vogue. One thing Sean Avery is not, however, is a real estate size queen.

From 2003 to 2007 the sartorial-minded skater pushed the puck for the Kings, the professional hockey team in Los Angeles. Honestly, button holes, Your Mama didn't even know there was a professional hockey team in Los Angeles but like we said we're pretty much in the dark about most of these manly athletic sports. What we do know is real and estate and property records reveal that in 2005 Mister Avery paid $989,000 for a modest Spanish style bungalow in the Laurel Canyon area of Los Angeles. The house measures, according to listing information we teased out of the internets, 1,680 square feet and includes 2 bedrooms and 2.5 poopers. Some of the children may find it interesting that Your Mama found evidence that Mister Avery attempted to–and perhaps succeeded, we don't know–lease his house in the hills at a rate of $5,500 per month, furnished and including satellite tee-vee and maid service.

After leaving Los Angeles in 2007, Mister Avery moved to New York City to agitate and brawl for the Rangers. He then decamped to Dallas to skate for the Stars and he recently back to New York City to butt-end and body check for the Rangers once again.

Records show that during his first stint in New York City, in July of 2007, Mister Avery paid $1,460,000 for a small sixth floor condo at the Andres Escobar and Karl Fischer designed Chelsea Club building. It's an interesting location–Chelsea–for a burly man who it is often whispered and rumored about that he might be a little light in the loafers. Truthfully, Chelsea hardly seems like the "gay" neighborhood it used to be, but still. For the record and for what it's worth–which ain't nuthin'–Your Mama doesn't think Puppy is of the poofter persuasion. Just because Mister Avery–who has famously dated babes like Rachel Hunter, Elisha Cuthbert and moe-dell Hilary Rhoda–likes to hang out with Anna Wintour and Andre Leon Talley, shop at Jeffrey and wear patent leather YSL high top sneakers does not mean he's a homo.

Anyhoo, getting back to the real estate. According to Street Easy, Mister Avery listed his Chelsea Club condo in early February of 2010 with an asking price of $1,795,000 and recently reduced the price to $1,695,000. According to listing information, the rink rat's residence measures just 1,123 square feet and includes 2 bedrooms and 2 poopers. This is a very modest dwelling for a man who could surely afford something far more grand. The monthly maintenance and taxes for the unit total, according to listing information, $1,209.

Like in too many small and newly built condos in New York City, the front door opens directly into open plan living space. We know that space is at a premium in Manhattan and we know that every inch counts for developers looking to maximize their profits, but Your Mama just prefers a buffer zone between the Chinese food delivery man and our inner sanctum. Lovely and shiny hardwood floors that look like there has never been a hard soled shoe worn on them were cleverly laid in a such a way as to trick the eye into thinking the room is longer than it actually is and the large for a small New York apartment kitchen is visually minimized by keeping everything a uniform and gleaming white.

Floor to ceiling windows stretch the full width of the living/dining area and a wide glass door opens to a tiny terrace hardly large enough for out long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly let alone Mister Avery and his thick legs and bubble booty. Grey-ish blue walls set off of the hardwood floors and the modern furnishings that consist of little more than a large sectional sofa, narrow coffee table and itty bitty dining table surrounded by four folding chairs have been kept of the same grey-ish blue, white and black palette. It's all very "masculine" in that done by a decorator–or maybe by a wannabe fashion editor–sort of way.

A frosted glass panel pocket door slides divides the main living area from the master bedroom that includes another wall of windows that spans the width of the room, a decent sized if not large walk-in closet and all white private pooper. At first we thought the thick column smack in the middle of the pooper was awkward and horrible but then we realized it keeps Mister Avery–and whomever he's entertaining romantically–from having to look at the terlit while in the bedroom.

The second bedroom, which Mister Avery appears to have set up as an office space with desk, futon and dyed navy blue cowhide rug, has a wall of closets and the adjacent pooper has a closet that contains a stacked washer and dryer. We are not fond of laundry facilities located in bathrooms for obvious reasons but, in this case in this quite small abode, we'd rather have it in the pooper than not have it at all. Particularly since our imperious house gurlSvetlana gets uptight about having to do laundry in basement facilities with all the other domestics.

All in all, this is heads and tails above the day-core in most of the homes we've seen that belong to professional athletes, particularly single professional athletes who tend towards black leather furniture and televisions the size of Hyundais. So a decorative bravo to Mister Avery.

In April 2008, it was announced that Avery would be spending the summer off-season interning at Vogue magazine. According to one fashion report "Avery is a self-confessed clotheshorse who has been known to give girlfriends advice on how to dress, and in interviews has expressed a dream to become a fashion editor after his days on the ice"[51] He joined in a fashion partnership with friend and former director of Calvin Klein's celebrity services, Lauryn Flynn.[52] In June 2008, Avery guest-edited Mensvogue.com, the website for Men's Vogue magazine.[53] He is also a vintage wine aficionado whose collection has been featured in an NHL.com interview. He revealed on ESPN that as a child he would play with dolls that he would steal from his babysitter.[54] His interest mainly resides with women's fashion; of men's fashion Avery has said: "You do suits and pants and that's about that. Women's clothes tell a story. That's what's interesting to me."[1]

I rather like the condo, decorating, and color scheme, but can't abide the 2 support poles (if that's what they are). Add the 2 windowless poopers, and I'd have to pass even looking at this one if I was in the market. It dosen't appear as if Mr. Avery spends much time at home - not a book, TV, or stereo in sight - which could account for his 'just a place to shower and sleep' real estate choices. Thanks Mama.

Don't think I'll be hiring either Andres Escobar and Karl Fischer anytime soon. Exposed structural columns in the entry and middle of the bathroom; fugly through-the-wall A/C; and a terrace so shallow one can't open the door all the way? Very D List.

Mister Avery sounds like a creep - he called his ex-girlfriend 'sloppy seconds' at a press conference - but his decor is benign. Do you think it's been staged, Momma?

And the price? Even $1.460 mil (the purchase price) seems far-fetched; I think Mister Avery's going to take a bath on this one.

My prime beef with the apartment is its layout: I just have this thing -- this niggling little THING -- about entering an apartment through the kitchen. It mighta been cute on "Friends", but now it's apparently hardwired into every damn architect's damn CAD program. Damn!