Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher had an open marriage—because Moore "didn't always get all she needed from Ashton." Prince Harry parties it up in Las Vegas. And Kris Humphries has a sad. Saturday's gossip is also in an open marriage with Ashton. Very open.

If you thought that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore broke up because of Kutcher's frequent, and deeply gross, cheating, you're a moron, and also an idiot! The truth is that they're divorcing for the much more believable and boring reason that Moore is an unstoppably horny bisexual lust goddess who requires an open relationship. "Demi is attracted to women just as much as men, so she didn't always get all she needed [which was hot bisexual sexxx, between two women — Ed.] from Ashton," a source tells Star exclusively. This is definitely the most realistic reason for the divorce we've heard yet, and we have no reason to question it. Demi Moore's steamy bisex romps are the culprit. [Radar]

Another theory about the world-shattering Kutcher-Moore split: they fought a lot! "The fighting could get pretty intense... Whatever counseling they did was fine for a quick fix but could not get to the heart of the problem," a source told People. The heart of the problem, being, of course, the sexxxy bisexual needs of Demi Moore, and her insatiable bisex lust, as revealed exclusively by Star magazine. [People]

Prince Harry partied until 3 a.m. at the Tryst nightclub in Las Vegas last night, accompanied by Falstaff and nine stout men-at-arms. He "jumped on the lap of a member of his security team... got on his knees as he danced for a brunette girl at his VIP table," and even "honed in on one fellow clubgoer in particular: a blonde woman dressed in a cream blouse and knee-high black skirt." What a crazy character! And the mysterious blonde? Sources tell me it was the witch Morgan Le Fay, sworn enemy of Harry's older brother William, attempting to cast a glamour on the young prince in order to claim a throne she believes is rightfully hers. [People]

Police are hunting for troubled Party of Five star Jeremy London, after the mother of his child accused him of "inflict[ing] an injury on her." London's publicist denies that any such incident occurred. Party of Five! More like Party of Addiction, Misery and Instability! Am I right? [TMZ]

"This has been a difficult time in my life," Kris Humphries told reporters on Friday, referring to the 6,000 years he has spent trapped in the negative zone. "I'm so grateful [for] my friends at [Italian watch company] Sector for their unwavering support." [Us]