Gay Teen Suicide on Eve of National Bullying Summit - Jamey Rodemeyer sent out many signals on social networking sites that he was struggling with his sexuality, and although he encouraged others on YouTube to fight off the bullies, things didn't get better. The Buffalo, N.Y., boy, 14, killed himself this weekend after posting an online farewell. Jamey had been tormented for the past 12 months by cyberbullies who made disparaging comments with gay references on his Formspring account, a website that allows anonymous posts. http://abcn.ws/nmF9HP

Ryan Idol Convicted of Attempted Murder - 1990s gay porn actor Ryan Idol, (now 47, and whose real name is Marc Anthony Donais) was convicted on Tuesday of attempting to kill his girlfriend with a toilet tank lid. Donais is currently in jail and being held without bail. http://bit.ly/qKWyLL

One gay soldier's coming out seen by millions [video] - A US soldier stationed in Germany had one of the world's most viewed coming out experiences yesterday. Identified in the press as 21-year-old Randy Phillips, he said in the video that he was about to call his dad back in Alabama. Nervous and lacking sleep, he explained that his family members had "no clue" about his sexual orientation. After he asked for reassurance of his father's love, he told him he that is gay, to which his dad appeared to reply, "Yikes" then said "I still love you son, it doesn't change our relationship.... You are my son, and I am very proud of you, okay? And I will always love you." http://bit.ly/oLe6I2

There were times especially as Christmas got closer that I'd be nervous thinking about it, first impression anxiety, concerned about how they would feel about me. I had never spoken with his dad or brother, would they like me? Steven squashed all my last minute worries in the same way he always knows how, just the right words and comfort, one more reason why I love him so much.

The drive was about three hours. We arrived early afternoon on Christmas Eve day. His mom was waiting at the front door as we drove into the driveway. She was already walking to the car and as we got out she immediately embraced her son. I walked around the front of the car to say hello.

His mom turned to me, "Michael, I'm so glad you're here with us for Christmas." and then she hugged and kissed me. With a very warm mom smile, she said, “it's going to be a beautiful holiday". Steven grabbed our suitcase, and with her arm around me, his mom and I walked into the house together.

Our first Christmas together and after all these years with someone who loves me as much as I love him. Going to take a needed break from writing and spend as much time as possible with Steven. Thank you for readership, and I promise I'll be back to my online diary soon.

I've been celebrating. Why? Because he's back. His passion for life is so remarkable. He's got terrific friends, loves to go out or just spend a quiet evening at home. He loves his work, volunteers his time and loves to travel. He’s so cute, I mean cute, tall, thin, blonde, and what a great smile.

His smile, it's amazing, he wakes up each day smiling and goes to sleep each night thoughtful, thankful, and looking forward to tomorrow. He's intelligent, classy and has a great sense of humor. He's compassionate, lovable, honest, sexy, funny, romantic, and so much more. And the best part, he's me!

Who would have thought a year ago this could be possible? Guess what, it was, and I've got my life back. In 2008 I became wonderful; in 2009 I'll be fantastic. I've found myself again, plus a whole lot more. And if you haven't gathered it by now, I love it, and so does everyone else in my life. I'm here to stay. Get ready 2009; we're going to be great friends.

Michael

( Next: The love of my life and how we spent the Holidays - together with Steven's family )

Trying to write about this day is when I became immobilized. I'm not a great writer, I write from my heart, I try to write about my life, my passions, love, and the most important person in the world to me.

I can intellectualize with the best of them, but it's not what these diary posts are about. The intellectual stuff is what I save for other posts and where you usually hear my opinions loud and clear.

Writing from the heart? There are limits, our privacy. There are days when I want to shout out and celebrate to anyone listening. So what does this writer do who speaks from his heart? He moves carefully as not to compromise our relationship, or our lives. This past week I got stuck, stuck on "day three - something handwritten".

I tried writing about that night. It was a night of exchanging love letters, intimate thoughts, words of passion, and promises of a love affair to last forever. But there's nothing I could possibly write that could come close to what happened between us that evening.

The moments of silence as we read each other's letters, his face, eyes filled with tears. It was so much more than just being in love. That evening we met each other once again, but it was in a whole new place, somewhere we've never been before.

That night our relationship was time capsuled and sealed forever. Love was no longer limited to the heart and soul. And even as I'm writing this this post I can feel him throughout me. Steven says that when he's alone he can close his eyes and feel as though I'm right next to him.

If you were to ask me right now what love feels like, I'd give you my hand and ask you to hold it; because I want you to know, even if it's just for a moment.

Day Two - My House: We decided to plan the Holidays today. Steven's immediate family was small, parents and one younger brother. He asked me how I felt about meeting his parents and spending the Holidays together. His mom and dad already knew about me from conversations, an invitation was extended for both of us to to spend Christmas. Steven made it clear a month ago that he wanted to spend the Holiday Season with me, he wasn't going home unless I was there with him.. The gay issue wasn't an issue, his parents and brother were comfortable and supportive for years. We agreed, his parents house the Holidays.

We went out for dinner late to a favorite neighborhood spot. The restaurant is small and intimate, tables are far enough apart to afford conversation privacy. We have a favorite table, actually it's a half circle booth near the back wall Fresh hot bread on the table, a lit candle, but the best part is the long white-table cloths, great for more privacy. There's lots of under the table stories to talk about, but tonight it was just holding hands, at least for most of the time. Why do the gay waiters always seem to know what's going on under the table or least make you think they do?

Day Two was "Something to Wear". I spent money on this one, knowing I had to keep under twenty dollars, I knew exactly what I wanted get him. I found it at Macy's on sale, the best part was I was able to buy wo. Steven open my box first, two pairs of red silk boxer shorts. He loved them, "Two pairs?", I picked up a pair, "you never know when you're going to have company".

My turn, Steven gave me a new white lab coat from his office. He let me know they were bought last year, no money spent, except. "Except what?"

"Look by the top pocket Michael". If tonight was a contest he won three times over. Above the pocket was his embroidered name, Dr. Steven ********, and under his name "Loves MJS" was added. "Oh My God, I really love this".

Steven smiled "put it on Sweetie, I know how much you love playing doctor".

I threw the silk boxers at him, "Not as much as I like playing with the doctor".

Steven and I just spent ten great days together. We were staying in town this time and I planned a love game, a small surprise with a different criteria each day. If money had to be spent, it could be no more than twenty dollars per item. Day One was at my house, surprises were to be "Something That Feels Good".

This one was easy for me, and the topic left plenty of room for some real fun, my short list included only one thing that cost money, the rest were, well I'll kinda leave that up to your imagination. I knew I could definitely give Steven something that would make him feel good. Okay there's no need to go down this road, you already know what I'm not going to type here in this post.

It was a day of winding down from a long hectic week for both of us. We slept in, and spent the day relaxing. We decided on the evening for day one's surprise. Steven went first, a box of Verbena foaming bath for me, and a note part of which included "your favorite scent for my favorite scent".

My turn, I gave him a bottle of massage oil, with a coupon for "one personal body massage by a cute blonde guy". I know what you're thinking, our mind set was pretty much in the same place the first day, but what did you expect? It was a great way to start our ten days.

If you're going to take a bubble bath, for me there's some definite must haves, lights off, candles, soft jazz, and both of us. I've got a large whirlpool bathtub, so for a real foaming bath, just turn on the water jets for a minute. If you're going to get my kind of body massage, the best way to enjoy it - more candles, music, silky oil, a cool room and warm hands.

We decided on the bath together first and then the massage, I mean massages. I think we finally fell asleep about five in the morning. Did I ever tell you that Steven has great hands, and they're warm too.

Steven and I just spent ten phenomenal days together. We had talked about going away, but our time out of town would have only be four or five days at the most. More time together in town was the obvious decision. The kid in me was already thinking about something fun to do just a few few moments each day for each other. I mean besides what you're already thinking, and for the record, it’s a lot more than a few moments for us. Just a few moments would have been my ex, actually, very few moments.

So I planned a love game. Steven loves that kid in me, sometimes the kid is naughty, but most of the time he’s very nice, after all, Santa Clause is coming next month. By the way, when I’m naughty, you won’t usually read about it here.

So how about a little 10 day love game? I came up with giving each other a small surprise each day. To make it more interesting, a different criteria each day, and the budget – under $20.00 per item.

Here’s the list:

Day One: Something that feels good. Day Two: Something to wear Day Three: Something handwritten Day Four: Something to eat right now Day Five : Something to listen to Day Six: Something you would never give away Day Seven: Something to read Day Eight: Something to share Day Nine: Something to use everyday Day Ten: Something to keep forever

A week before the ten days twogether we were sitting in my living room. I asked Steven if he’d like to play a ten day love game, and handed him the list. He read a little and then looked at me, the third time he looked up, and he got up. He crumpled up the paper, came over and sat down on top of me. “Michael, how about this for your list", - "before day one, something you can hide". And he started stuffing the paper down the front of my jeans. I grabbed my list and tried to do the same to him; we were both off in silly world ending up on the floor. I was laying on my back with Steven sitting on top of me. My blue-eyed honey looked me at me, “Michael, you are absolutely incorrigible”. I smiled at him, “I know”. He was kissing my neck when he said, “do you mind if I take my list back now?”

He left the next morning with his crumpled list. We were going to have ten days together with no plans, except a game to celebrate our love. I have never loved anyone in my life as much as I love Steven. The first week we were twogether we already knew we couldn’t plan our destiny. Fate had already planned it for us.

The crowd is growing. Thanks to all the guys who emailed their happy moments they experienced this week. Lots of guys that are finding something new each day. Special moments that make them happy. Let me share some of the moments with you. I'll bypass the descriptive bedroom scenes that you guys sent, but sex hot and happy is great too. Keep sending those emails and let me know if your moments are okay to publish.

Keep in mind, sometimes you just need do what makes you happy! You deserve it!

Happy Moments with permission from Readers:

"Ate Oreos for lunch"

"That guy came over and talked to me at the club"

"Spent the day naked"

"Went for a walk and really saw where I live"

"Bought that shirt"

"Finally shaved my chest, love it"

"Went grocery shopping without a list and read no labels"

"Asked him out to dinner, and he said yes"

"Went to the tallest building downtown, spent hours looking out at the world"

"Got a great mirror at Ikea"

"Went to the gym just to look at the guys"

"Started reading 'A New Earth' and ripped it up"

"Looking at my dog and seeing nothing but pure unconditional love and devotion"

"Actually looked in the mirror and saw a wonderful guy looking at me"

"Made dinner for him"

There is so much going on in our lives that we tend to pass by the small stuff. This is still all about you. Keep looking, finding, discovering and collecting these daily moments, you're going to need everyone of them stored for where we're going next. We're going to be doing some serious "Headcleaning". You'll need to make some room up there, a lot of good stuff is going to be happening.

Okay, this is really important, don't ever stop looking for those happy moments. DON'T STOP LOOKING! Sometimes it's just something so small, a brief moment of happiness. This is a daily exercise, finding just one moment that makes you happy. Keep your eyes, your mind and your heart open. Don't miss that smile from someone. That one smile could be the best moment of your day, or maybe even your life.

Michael

And sometimes you just need do what makes you happy - I'll be away from the computer for a week, no, not alone, so see you when we get back.

When is doing nothing better than doing something? The last couple of days when Steven and I did nothing, all alone at my place for the weekend. No parties, no restaurants, no entertaining, just us. Telephones, computers, television, even clocks and lights all turned off. Music, candles, and us - turned on. There was a lot of "Unbelievable" this weekend.

A year ago, I never thought I could feel Unbelievable even for a few minutes. Just go back over my older posts about my life in a nightmare. Today I am a totally different person. My life is filled, my work, a terrific place to live, a great new look, my friends, and the love of my life, a guy who sees me for who I really am. I already told you, I feel wonderful and I find happiness every day.

What makes you happy? This is your jumping off point for this journey. You need to find something everyday that makes you happy. I don't have your answer, the best I can do is tell you all the things that make me happy each day, and how I am always looking for more. There's no ceiling on happiness. You have to find something today - something new.

Forget about everything else, just allow yourself to take a moment today, you deserve it. What will make you happy? Allow yourself to put everything else aside, The time frame doesn't matter, a moment, a minute, an hour, whatever, it's all yours. Start today and find something new. Do it, and then own it, keep it, it belongs to you. I'm going to keep saying this, you deserve to be happy.

Your moments of happiness will fuel this journey. The more moments, the better it's going to be. We're on the way "Wonderful" and then beyond. Find and live a happy moment today. It's all yours, own it.

And how about if we start sharing all these great moments? Email me! I'd love that, but you'll have to excuse me right now. I'm off to one of the greatest places on earth. I own a park, and there's always something new waiting there for me, something that's going to make me happy.

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First Things First: Michael

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