God's Will

Told to both avoid sex and be “in the world but not of it”, many Christian girls spend their days playing whack-a-mole with sexual topics. Many never truly understand sex in their frantic effort to remain pure. Meanwhile the world screams: “It’s natural! It’s wonderful! It makes you feel great and loved! Each day they stand at a crossroads, tired of whacking the moles of sexual thought but completely sexually ignorant – and completely ready to give up.

If God is good like I’ve been taught, and God made sex, why is sex bad?

Is Christian sex the only kind that’s bad? If

If it feels good, how can it be wrong?

These are sad but necessary questions, and they lead us to the world’s primary argument for extramarital sex: “If it feels good, affirms me, and makes me feel loved, it cannot be wrong”.

So for the girl who wonders why Christ calls us to save sex for marriage, this is for you.

God’s Design for Sexuality

The logic of the ‘if it feels good, do it’ argument is fundamentally flawed. If we determine moral issues based on individual feelings, there is no standard for right or wrong whatsoever. The standard for good and evil has to come from something outside of mankind, or each of us determines our own idea of truth. And if we determine our own idea of truth, no law on earth can tell us what to do.

Just because something ‘feels good’ does not mean it is the right thing to do for ourselves or for others. This is especially true when it comes to sexuality.

Every part of our bodies was designed by God for a specific function: our eyes, ears, legs, fingers, gall bladder – you name it. When that body part is used outside of its design, it affects the rest of the body. Sex is not just a bodily function. It involves thoughts and emotions that heighten the sexual experience and are inseparably tied to our minds and hearts. Part of what makes sex so appealing is the sense of closeness we have when we participate in it.

I was recently watching the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days with my husband, Josh. One of the characters in the movie is known for her week-long relationships with successive break-ups shortly thereafter. Most times this character slept with her dates within that first week, and following these sexual encounters would become very emotional, to the point of crying or saying, “I love you.” This scared off the men she was dating, leaving her to wallow in the aftermath of yet another failed relationship.

The movie presents this girl as being an emotional whack-job for feeling those emotions after a one-night stand. In reality, those emotions are a natural part of sex. They are supposed to be there. Sex was designed for emotional and physical closeness, not for one-night stands and drive-by experiences. If we followed the subliminal messages of How to Lose a Guy,we would stifle our emotions, separate sex from our desire for a lasting love, and continue to give ourselves to men who want to use us for physical reasons alone.

Be Intoxicated With Her Love

In the Old Testament, sex is sometimes depicted with the verbs, “to know” (Gen. 4:1, 4:25, 21:2, 24:67). Marriage, and the sexual relationship within it, is the most glorious example of the intimate relationship God desires with mankind. It is the kind of relationship founded on commitment, faithfulness, mutual love, and complete vulnerability. I love this verse from Proverbs that reveals the contrast between illicit sex and marital sex:

“Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” (Prov. 5:15-19)

Scattered, streets, strangers: this is the life of a sexual nomad, never committing to the beauty of God-designed love. Marital sex, however, is a reservoir of satisfaction rather than the “scattered streams” of illicit sex. It is a continual fountain, always renewed – not the dark, empty streets of a city. It is a place to rejoice, delight, and be completely intoxicated with love, not overcome with temporary lust. It is security. It is a place where we are free to feel all the heights of emotion that accompanies sex, and if we are moved to tears and ‘I love you’, there is no place for shame.

Granted, there are nights where the experience may not be the best (read about my wedding night experience!). Sex takes practice! But in a relationship founded on commitment, sex is a journey a man and woman walk together. They are progressively sanctified as they give of themselves with patience, gentleness, and real love – the kind that commits to never, ever leave.

Lust v. Desire

Stasi Eldredge’s book Captivating captured the idea of ‘desiring to be desired’. As women, we long to be pursued, won over, and wanted by a man. This is a high and holy desire: one given and designed by God. When God tells us to reserve sex for marriage, He is not telling us to deny the existence of our desires or be ashamed that they exist. He, the designer of sex, is revealing to us the blueprint for the most fulfilling sexual relationship we can possibly have.

But God’s design for sex is based on real, God-defined love. It is good to desire that kind of love. But when our desire for love is reduced to a desire for physical closeness alone, we have missed the point entirely. Sexual sensations are a product of sex – but they aren’t the purpose. The purpose of sex is unity (Mark 10:8), service of one another (1 Cor. 7:1-40) and pure, faithful love (Heb. 13:4). In contrast, the world’s template for sex is based on lust, whether or not they use that word.

Is Lust Wrong?

Even in the church, you will hear teachers exclaiming over our ‘God-given freedom’ to celebrate our ‘God-given sexuality’ by indulging in the periphery of lust. This requires us to go to God’s Word and see if He indicates that lust is, in His view, a sin.

The lust of the flesh and of the eyes belongs to the world (1 John 2:16), and we are NOT of the world (John 15:19).

Lust limits our ability to fight against sin and pollutes our hearts (2 Tim. 2:4, 22); this should concern us, since ONLY the pure in heart will see God (Matt. 5:8).

Lust wages war against our souls (1 Peter 2:11).

Lustful minds conform us to the world (Romans 12:2).

If we are to fulfill God’s will, which is for us to be holy (1 Thess. 4:3-8), the definition and fruits of lust cannot be found in our lives. Therefore, lust is a sin. Lust is wrong.

Lust objectifies. See the definitions from the OED. Lust of any kind is a focused and almost obsessive attention on attaining something. It is not patient or willing to give up its rights. A lustful mind is more focused on its desire than on the consequences of that desire; it is irrational: both sensual and insensitive.

Lust satisfies itself first. Lust is focused on satisfying a want that it perceives as a need. The desire becomes so strong, a lustful mind sees what was once a preference as an inalienable right. If it cannot receive what it wants, it might just take it by force.

Lust twists God’s plan. Lust takes God’s plan for sex out of context. God’s context for sex is marriage because sex inside of marriage (when the man and woman love God and each other) is safe. Lust focuses on the feelings of sex without the meaning of sex that God designed.

Lust usurps God’s authority. Choosing to lust after someone, and acting on it (we will get to this later) is essentially saying, “I am god of this area of my life: I will dictate the parameters, limits, and morality of my own sexuality.” When we choose lust – or any other sin – our greatest transgression is not the action itself but our rebellion against God, elevating ourselves above His standard of holiness in the same manner Satan did before He was cast out of heaven (Ezek. 28:12-15).

But I Love Him!

“I’m in a loving relationship. We love each other, so I have a hard time believing God would have a problem with us having sex.” This common objection from the world has also been adopted by many nominal Christian young women and men. But this objection has one fatal flaw: the definition of love.

God has designed sex for marriage and requires marriage for sex because His definition of love is founded on sacrifice and commitment. To understand love as God defines it (and as He expects us to love others), we need to look at how He loves us:

“Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you! See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.” (Is. 49:15-16)

“The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” (Jer. 31:3)

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” (1 John 4:10)

God’s kind of love is everlasting. It is faithful. And most of all, it is sacrificial. He sent Jesus to purify us so that we could have a relationship with our all-holy God. We see an example of God commanding this kind of love in Paul’s instructions to husbands in Ephesians 5:

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her, to make her holy, cleansing her in the washing of the word.” (Eph. 5:25-26)

God’s love is always meant to make us holy. The world’s kind of love is able to temporarily satisfy, but it can never present us to God spotless. Sex outside of marriage is unholy in God’s eyes and separates us from perfect relationship with Him. We cannot simultaneously be committing extramarital sexual acts and have an active relationship with Jesus Christ. If we call ourselves Christians, we will make every effort to uphold the holiness of Christ in our lives:

“Therefore, dear friends, while you wait for these things, make every effort to be found in peace without spot or blemish before Him.” (2 Peter 3:14)

God is ready with open arms to take back those who align their hearts and lives with His love.

Our Desire for Sex Can Glorify God

Sex in and of itself is not “bad”; it is one of the crowning glories of God’s creation. Eve was brought to Adam at the conclusion of God’s creative work in Genesis 1-2. Sex was designed to be enjoyed by us as women – when we do it God’s way. And God has only one requirement for sexual fulfillment: Be married. He requires this because marriage is close to His heart. It is a commitment to “intimate knowledge”.

While this is often considered a moral issue, the use of our sexuality is much more than that for Christian women. This is a ‘pleasing Jesus’ issue. Do I really want to honor Christ with my sexuality in the same way I want to honor Him with my career decisions, my thoughts, and my words? Is my sexuality a means for me to glorify God?

We can take our desire for sex and use it as a testament to God’s grace. We don’t stuff it in a bottle and shelve it until it explodes. We don’t prance around the church parking lot advertising virginity. We don’t allow Satan to hold us captive by past sexual failures.

We allow the desire for sex to be the good and wonderful thing God designed it to be, neither worshiping it nor ignoring its existence.

“The second path [holding on to hope] is harder… But it leads to a place worth going, and this makes all the difference. To live in the rarer air of the in-between – neither shutting down desire nor demanding it be fulfilled in a particular way – is your own heart’s journey in what is means to trust God with your life.”

We have to trust God when it comes to our sexuality. We have to trust that His plan for sex really is in our best interest. This kind of trust only comes from understanding who God is and just how much He truly loves us, His women.

A lot of young women will read that post: young women who have made purity pledges and are waiting for an excuse to walk away from them. Young women teetering on the brink of sexual and spiritual destruction. Young women wondering if it is even worth this waiting-for-marriage.

Waiting for marriage to lose my virginity was the best decision I ever made. At times it was difficult. I wanted to give up. Yet I’m going to battle for the other side because this waiting-for-marriage thing – it’s worth it, even when the choice is hard.

Sometimes it was an uphill battle against this culture we live in, but I was able to keep my commitment to sexual holiness. Here’s why:

1. My commitment to purity wasn’t to a church: it was to Christ Himself.

Samantha was either coerced or convinced into committing to a purity pledge in front of her entire church. This was the first mistake of her parents and her church at large.

We should not be committing to purity for the sake of a church. We should commit to purity for the sake of Christ. When we make spiritual commitments for mortal and material reasons, those commitments have no authoritative standard.

My commitment to purity was encouraged by my parents, but it was MY decision. I had to decide why I was committing to this. I had to decide whether or not to wear a purity ring. I had to decide who I was doing this for: myself, my parents, a man, or God?

I struggled with that decision. At times I DID take pride in my purity, but I soon realized my purity was not ‘my purity’. It’s God’s, and I’m doing it for Him or it’s not worth anything at all.

If we make life choices based on only one part of our being – mental, physical, sexual – when those variable entities are altered by time and circumstance, our choices will be worthless.

Saving my virginity was a spiritual decision. Because it was a spiritual decision that affected my sexuality (not a sexual decision that affected my spirit), my whole life fell into step with my spiritual worldview. I wanted to be pure because my spirit was in line with Jesus Christ, who is the essence of purity.

3. My commitment to purity was not because it’s ‘my body, my choice’.

In her article, Samantha told her boyfriend she committed to purity and he respected that decision because it was ‘her body, her choice’. But what about when you decide ‘your body’ wants to have sex? If it is your choice alone, there is no standard higher than your own autonomy.

I made a commitment to purity because I am God’s child, and my body and choices were aligned with His loving will. Because I answer to Someone greater than myself, Someone I trust knows sex and the way to use it, I used it the way He says to. I waited until marriage.

God was good for His promise, and it’s been great!

As a Christian woman, my body is NOT my own (1 Cor. 6:19-20). I have been bought with the blood of a Savior. Every sexually-demeaning choice I make I consequently demean the blood of the Son of God. So because I valued Jesus, I valued His standard for sex. And I waited.

4. My failure to act purely in relationships prior to marriage brought me great guilt and shame, but that guilt drove me to repentance and a change of lifestyle – not a change of God’s sexual standards.

While I did go to the altar a virgin, I made mistakes in my dating relationships. I had one relationship with a man who threatened to leave me if I didn’t alter my physical standards. Having never faced anything of this nature, I allowed myself to be manipulated and gave more than I had hoped to give. I have never felt so guilty and used.

I could have decided that the guilt came from a lack of sexual identity. I could have told myself what I did wasn’t actually wrong – that it was just me being silly and inexperienced. If I had believed those lies, stayed with that man and given more than I did, I may not have had the beautiful love story I do today.

The guilt could have driven me to justify sin and change God’s sexual standards, but instead the guilt drove me to repentance. Because I know I have an Advocate in heaven (Heb. 4:11), because I know I am God’s child whom He loves (Jn. 1:12), and because I know I can approach the throne of grace to ask forgiveness (1 Jn. 1:9) I brought my sin to God and was reconciled to Him. He saved me from destroying myself and my love story.

We do not get to determine God’s sexual standards. Should you be naked with each other before marriage? No. Should your boyfriend have his hands in your shirt? No. Should you be ‘making out’ on the couch but sitting in the pew the next morning without a qualm? No.

We shouldn’t allow ourselves to demean sexuality this way. We should make every effort to keep a high value on something that God values SO MUCH he requires marriage for participation in it.

5.My commitment to purity made sex an exciting part of marriage to which I looked forward with anticipation.

The environment in which Samantha was taught about sex is the chief contributor to her painful experience. Sex was taught as ‘bad’ until her wedding night, when you say some vows and sex is instantly ‘good’. My experience was far different.

Sex was a good thing before and after marriage; but I only participated in it AFTER my vows. Sex was never a ‘bad’ thing. My parents never whispered about it or acted as if it were taboo. I heard it preached about from the pulpit on occasions. I was taught about it in my youth group. The message was not, “Sex is bad! Stay away from it or you will be punished!” The message was, “Sex is wonderful, great, and God-designed – but it’s not time yet. Honor God and ensure the best sexual experience by waiting until marriage.”

So I looked forward to that experience. I knew it would be a learning curve. It wouldn’t be ‘Hollywood’ the first time or couple of times – that was true!

But sex was not evil: it was of high value. I was not taught to avoid sex out of guilt, but to protect it from being cheapened. And that’s how it was on my wedding night: an experience of the greatest value.

Yes, it was physically uncomfortable. Yes, it was new. But contrary to the girl in the aforementioned article, I didn’t cry in the bathroom afterwards, and I didn’t feel dirty, guilty, or used. .

My sexual relationship with my husband remains a joy to me, not because we’re masters or we know it all; not because we get it perfect every time. It was and is a joy because we are progressing in a pure, God-blessed love. I have no memories of anyone but him. I have no insecurities based on comparison to the past.

I am secure in my relationship with a Lord who loves me regardless of how my husband loves me, and because my husband treats me the way God has commanded him (with tenderness and care) I am continually surrounded by security and love.

7. My virginity did not determine my salvation. It was a product of my love for God.

The writer of this article says, “If I had it over, I would have sex before marriage, and I wouldn’t go to hell for it.”

Correction: We don’t go to Hell for sex before marriage. We go to Hell for rejecting Jesus Christ, who gives us laws of holiness out of His incredible love.

My virginity was not the determination of my faith. It was a product of my faith. I didn’t even think about my virginity, in fact; for the most part, I simply lived life learning how to be a woman of God. My parents poured into me. My youth leaders discipled me. My love for God and my desire to be a woman who reflected His goodness was my motivator. I protected my virginity because I loved God: plain and simple.

8. My sexual identity is inseparably tied to my identity in Christ.

The author of the article says, “Your sexuality is nobody’s business but yours.” False. If you claim to be a Christian woman (and frankly, even if you don’t) your sexuality is God’s business because He designed you and He designed sex.

Sexual identity is front and center in this culture, which is actually quite demeaning since we are each so much more than a sexual object. But you, young woman: your identity is so much more than who you are sexually. God knows that. God wants to make you holistically the best person you can possibly be – not just the best person you can sexually become.

I was taught this principle. Because of it, my virginity was only a minor part of my Christian faith. Virginity, and waiting for marriage to give it up, was not a burden but an honor to me. It was as if God had bestowed on me a great gift to carry for however many years – a gift I would open when I reached ‘the finish line’. The more I ripped off the gift on the journey the less I’d have when I arrived.

And how, if I opened the gift too soon, would that be God’s fault?

The moments where I ceased to trust God’s goodwill and love for me were where I made my greatest mistakes. God’s design is for our glory and our protection, not a spoiling of the ‘real deal’.

Samantha says little girls want to believe in fairy tales, so I say: give them a fairy tale. Give them a God-ordained fairy tale, the beauty of a girl unbroken, unused, and unhurt. When Samantha moralizes sex before marriage, she recommends heartache, brokenness, promiscuity, and potential abuse.

She is saying self is greater than God; that God doesn’t know what He is doing. That when God designed sex, He had no clue where it would best be used.

Despite the fact she has never experienced a man using her, leaving her, taking her virginity and dumping her like a rag doll, her post suggests sex before marriage would have been the better choice.

Her words are those of a culture that thinks it knows sex better than God does, and girls will listen to her.

Don’t listen to her or any of the lies propagated by that post.

Let me tell you what true sexual freedom is: it is the freedom, on your wedding night, of knowing there is no longer any boundary. It is the freedom of knowing you are loved and protected. It is the freedom of pure, ecstatic appreciation of your beauty. It is the freedom of knowing the man in bed with you will not be gone in the morning.

God knows sex better than anyone else. His design is meant for love and protection. Follow that design, and it will be the best choice you ever make.

(NOTE: This is a response post, so I addressed the arguments used by the author of the original post linked above. I am not able to go into the details of variable situations, such as second marriages, instances of rape, or women who lost their virginity and have since come back to Christ. Please read this understanding that many women get married without being virgins but have accepted Christ’s forgiveness for past sins and are living in His grace as renewed people. These women are as pure as if they had never sinned (my post Does God Forgive Sexual Sin? talks about this, as well as my post Virginity Is Not God’s Goal).

That verse always bothered me. If Jesus says I obey his commands if I love Him, I thought. That must mean when I disobey His commands, I don’t love Him. And if I don’t love Him… why would He love me?

It seemed like a rational conclusion; certainly a logical one, and it haunted me for years. Whenever I found myself struggling to do the right thing, I heard that verse in my head: If you love me… It felt like a guilt trip. It felt like a threat. It felt like the wife holding a $200 dress in her hand, whining to her husband: “If you love me…”

My perception of God for most of my life was of an Abrahamic, justice-seeking deity. He was not all fire and brimstone; after all, He sent Jesus. But He was neither approachable nor smiling. Forgiveness was conditional on my behavior, and my behavior was essential to salvation. I often lived with the fear that by not being good enough, I would jeopardize both God’s love and my salvation. Thus, my Christian focus leaned toward legalism – where fearful Christians like to live – so my behavior would stay in line even when I disliked God and His standards.

So while I knew my Bible with the best of them, and even enjoyed studying the things of God, most of my Christian life was spent avoiding trouble or jumping through hoops. I thought Christianity was based on performance. I prayed because good women and godly mothers should pray. I studied God’s Word because I wanted to be a better person; most of my Bible study focused on passages in the epistles about Christian actions and good works.

So when I failed – whether in word, thought, or action – I would go through days of spiritual turmoil attempting to figure out whether God would forgive me, if I had jeopardized my salvation, and if I was worthy to even call myself a Christian. Sometimes I wondered if I was even a Christian at all. Whatever the sin, I saw my repeated failure as mounting evidence that I very obviously did not love Jesus, and because of that, Jesus must not love me.

Lust and Failure

Sin is sin – sexual or not. This series has focused on lust as a sexual sin, but this post will discuss Christian failure as a whole.

When we see girls raised in Christian homes committing the ‘big sins’ like fornication, adultery, abortion or pregnancy out of wedlock, it’s easy to assume ‘they aren’t really saved’. I mean – why would a Christian do something so drastic? Can a girl who is truly saved allow herself to fall that far?

Yes, she can.

It may be more comforting (in a strange, conciliatory way) to assume these girls aren’t Christians, thus acting without any guidance from the Spirit of God. But I have met enough of them to know they knew Christ. Some of them walked an aisle. All of them prayed a prayer. Christian girls can still choose to commit grievous sins by quenching the Spirit of God in their lives. The problem?

They knew Christ, but they didn’t love Him.

You see, when I was young, I had it reversed. While it seemed logical to reverse Jesus’ statement, “If you love me, you will obey what I command,” to “If you obey what I command, it shows that you love me,” that was not His intention. He chose to phrase His words in a manner that evidenced His purpose:

“IF you love me [come into a relationship with Me, know Me, talk to Me], THEN you will obey what I command [because our relationship, not obligation, will inspire your obedience.]”

When we’ve gone too far with a boyfriend, when we’ve ruined a relationship, when we’ve lost our virginity: we cringe in the presence of God under the weight of our transgression. And we should, because sin grieves Him. But is guilt our destiny? Is the burden of sin our life’s lot? This is not in the least congruent with a God of hope and goodness.

Conviction draws us to God; guilt pushes us away. As Christians, failing God strikes at the core of our renewed Being; we feel more than a ‘turning triangle’ pricking our conscience. We feel the weight of guilt and grief. We fear the wreckage of a testimony, fear of hypocrisy and judgment. We know how far we’ve fallen, just like Adam and Eve: fellowship is broken, and we’re left stitching fig leaves over the evidence of our sin. We are guilty – but God doesn’t leave us there.

John 14:16 says:

“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever—”

Jesus never intended to leave us helpless in our efforts to obey Him. He intended to leave us an Advocate; a Helper. Christians are given His Spirit, His Mind, and His strength to obey His commands. As we know Him more, His Spirit more freely works in our lives, and our obedience is progressively refined.

Face Failure Head-On

Satan loves when we wallow in our failure. Focusing on failure destroys hope for change and reconciliation; so the longer he can keep our eyes fixed on our selves and our own inadequacy, the longer he can keep our eyes from the Cross and God’s redeeming grace. Christian girls have heard about grace so long they cease to understand its application. Let’s see what God says about our sins and His treatment of them in Christ. Read below – don’t skim!

“In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace.” (Eph. 1:7)

“You have forgiven the iniquity of your people; you have covered all their sin.” (Psalm 85:2)

“As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.” (Psalm103:12)

“My little children, I write these things to you that you may not sin. And if anyone does sin, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous.” (1 John 2:1)

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

The glory of Jesus Christ was His sacrifice for us. We didn’t deserve it; we never can. But He delighted to save us from our sins, and He does not separate sins into ‘before salvation’ and ‘after salvation’. After salvation we do have a greater responsibility based on what we know of Jesus, but our justified status does not annul our eligibility for God’s forgiveness. He forgives yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

This should not encourage us to take advantage of His grace (Rom. 5:20) but to approach Him with confidence (Heb. 4:16). When we fail, we should RUN to the Cross of Christ with our sins, lay them at His feet, and confidently claim the forgiveness He offers! Because Jesus offers us forgiveness, it would be foolish to wallow in our failure. You don’t have to dwell on it for a day; you don’t need to pay penance. You need to come to Jesus, the only source of cleansing and freedom, and find peace and rest.

But… Is It Too Late For Me?

Despite all I’ve written here, you may be reading this with your own situation branded into your being. You may be thinking, “That is true for everyone but me.” Below are a few questions I’ve answered specifically for those of you still wondering about your status before God.

I have committed sexual sin. Am I unsaved?

The better question to ask is: have I ever accepted Christ in the first place? Remember: you can’t depend on your parents’ faith, your church involvement, your ministry efforts or your good behavior to ‘count’ in God’s eyes, because no matter what we do as humans we are still imperfect. Jesus was the perfect substitute for us. Did you accept Him as your substitute?

If you have, at the moment you accepted Christ and chose to submit your life to Him, you were saved. But since then, what has been your path? Did you continue to seek Him, or did you get distracted and prefer selfish interests or the opinions of people? Whatever led to your sexual sin, address it. Find the root. What led you away from your ‘first love’ of Jesus Christ? Take your sin to His feet, honestly and out loud, and tell Him exactly what you did. Hearing it out loud will be painful, but it will help you see the truth of your actions. Then claim the promises Jesus has given you – the verses I wrote out above, and others in Scripture. Pray these over your sin, and keep praying until you are able to accept what Christ has done for you. You are His child. He wants to purify you!

Will God forgive me for sexual sin?

If God were to withhold forgiveness of sexual sin, many Christians within the church would be left without hope and without the redemptive testimony they have today. And if God picks and chooses which sins He will forgive and which He will not, we would live in constant fear of His wrath! The only sin God says He will not forgive is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. If you want to blaspheme the Spirit of God, you would cling to your sexual sin and ignore the voice of God convicting your heart.

But the very fact you are asking if God will forgive you of your sin evidences a heart that desires reconciliation. You have an Advocate in heaven. How amazing! He knows how difficult temptation can be, and while He is grieved by our sinful actions He is ready to forgive you, cleanse you, and set you back on your feet. Look up ‘forgiveness’ in your Bible’s concordance and write down your thoughts on every verse you look up. He will affirm His truth to your heart.

I want standards for myself so I won’t compromise in dating, but I don’t want to become legalistic. How do I do this?

Lust is first a spiritual battle. No amount of defensive standards – curfews, physical limits, and chaperones – will work for a couple whose hearts are not willed to honor God sexually. Dating standards are a struggle for many reasons, one of which being the person you are in a relationship with is the very person you are fighting against in the battle for purity. So fight together.

Legalism is fear fenced in by good behavior. Don’t set up standards out of fear you will fail, or just because it’s what Christians do. Set up standards because your heart is to bring God glory in your relationship, and strive together toward holiness. If your heart is to worship God by loving each other, your standards won’t be legalistic. If you fail, pray together and confess your failure. Be honest about your weaknesses – but be discerning about what to reveal and when.

Pray for each other, pray together, and pray often! A God-loving heart is better protection against lust than dozens of rules and a rebellious spirit.

Whether you are still in high school waiting to date, or if you have a checkered past of sexual sin – God wants His relationship with you to be first and foremost. He desires to show you how much He loves you, to reveal to you the depth of His grace, and watch you bring glory to Him.

I looked in the little mirror on the table, a wavy round ball of light. I looked across the room at another mirror – NOW I could see.

“Mmm… too hipster. I’m looking for more… Sarah Palin.”

I took the glasses off and rubbed my eyes. Whoever came up with the ingenious idea of dilating patients’ eyes BEFORE they pick their glasses should be given a gold star for sales effectiveness. What better way to sell glasses than to blind your customers to the price? The optician was walking around the store, gathering more options, while I desperately tried to figure out whether the pricetag started with a 2 or a 4. There is a big difference between $275 and $475. Sarah Palin can perhaps afford it, but Phylicia can’t.

I chose a pair of Nine West frames and was reassured I was fine to drive home. “You can see long distances, just not close up.”

Apparently. You almost had me snookered for $500.

They had to persuade me to take those eyedrops in the first place. Really, who loves having a dropper jammed in each eye, so not only is one blinded but also streaming mascara like a weeping mime? I shielded my eyes from the bright office flueorescents and was relieved to drive home in the darkness.

Vision.

We need it just to live. Without it we are dependent upon people, a cane, perhaps a seeing-eye dog; yet those of us with eyes take them for granted every day! Our eyes focus on long distances when we drive, then switch to focus on tiny print when we read. It happens automatically, and we rarely notice until something goes wrong.

What about when something goes wrong in life? Could we have seen it coming? Could we have had the vision to prevent it?

God’s word talks about this kind of vision: the kind of foresight that makes a prudent, discerning, and prepared woman who she is.

“Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained; but happy is she who keeps the law.” (Prov. 29:18)

What is a vision in terms of life as a woman? The Dictionary defines it as the “the act or power of anticipating that which will or may come to be”. Synonyms are perception and discernment. But being a visionary does not mean becoming a professional worrywart. To understand what it means to have vision and thus, how to keep it, we must see how it directly impacts our lives.

Picture yourself at the top of a mountain, or a high building. You feel the wind pressing against you and you look across the open, rolling valley, dotted with trees and quilt-like squares of farmland. You can see all the way to the horizon, and down there – yes, right there at the tip of your finger – you can point to home.

You head back down the hiking trail, or stairs, beginning your descent. Your eyes are no longer looking at the broad, clear valley to which you are now headed; now your eyes are focused on the step ahead of you. You don’t want to trip! The path can be slippery and the sky might darken, so you focus on each step. But in the back of your mind you still see the valley, home – your destination.

Vision: it is twofold. It is the overarching goals of your womanly life, and it is the mundane of the daily steps to get there. It is in the mundane that we are in danger of hurrying, still focused on the big picture instead of the step ahead. In our rush to reach the vision, we lose sight of what’s right here.

I love receiving emails from readers. It is amazing to me how many walks of life are represented when I hear from each of these ladies: the 18 year old girl still facing her future; the mother who found joy even in infertility; the 20-something career woman navigating a secular workplace; a mom of three discipling the next generation. Each of these women – and the rest of us as well – has a calling on her life. That calling may merge, change, and morph over time as God directs us, but it is still His call, and we seek to answer.

Despite this, do you ever struggle to see the goal in it all? Day to day we work, we clean, we cook, we type, we meet – for what? Step after step we walk, trying to remember the mountaintop view. How can we live motivated, energetic, goal-oriented lives in the daily grind?

“Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 26 Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. 27 No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.” (1 Cor. 9:24-27)

In this passage, I almost feel as if Paul is ahead of us in a race, calling behind him: “Keep running, so you reach the finish! Strive for excellence! Eyes on the prize!”

As Elizabeth George asks in her book series: Yes, but how?

1. Seek to Know God’s Will For Your Life

If you are like me, you often wish a cosmic blueprint would drop from the sky illustrating the next ten years of life. We think that would be great, but without uncertainty there is no faith! Our faith in God drives us forward into the unknown. But in that unknown, we can still know God’s will – not for the next ten years, but for today.

I believe there are two revelations of God’s will in the life of a believer: specific and general. God’s specific will for you, my reader, will differ from his will for me. Your skills, job history, interests, passions, and scars have all prepared you for where you are today. It is important to grasp that where God has you today is where He wants you. Whether you got there by a miracle or a mistake, you’re there, and it is in this moment of time that your potential blooms. I personally believe that God’s specific will for each woman is most often revealed slowly, over time. We have to be listening intently for his direction, but he will make it known! He promises to, in fact:

“And your ears will hear a word behind you, “This is the way, walk in it,” whenever you turn to the right or to the left.” (Is. 30:21)

“The steps of a [woman] are established by the Lord, when she delights in his way…” (Ps. 37:23)

His general will, however, is always available, consistent through every stage of life. God reveals this general will to us in his Word, which is why spending time in prayer and reading is so important to us as Christian women.

“Be joyful always, pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thess. 5:16-18)

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Rom. 12:2)

“He has told you, O [woman], what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” (Micah 6:8)

In these verses and others, we see God lay out the ‘bare minimum’ of his will for us: be joyful, pray always, give thanks, renew your mind, do what is right, commit to kindness, and live in humility. These are the principles of his will into which our specific calling fits.

With this reassurance, we can know God’s will for today. And for tomorrow – he reveals that to us as we seek him!

2. Put Up the Bumpers

I’m a terrible bowler. Mr. M can bowl straight, curved, and probably even upside down if he wanted and still get a strike, whereas I’m lucky to knock down one little pin. I’ve found I do better when I stop thinking about the people watching me and focus straight ahead. Of course, I do best when the bumpers are up to keep me on the straight and narrow of the lane.

Achieving goals and living a life of eternal perspective requires putting up bumpers of our own. Our vision needs to be fixed on what is before us; an immovable gaze, distracted by nothing. Sometimes we have to put up walls – the good kind – to keep our gaze forward and our focus on God’s will for today. We are encouraged to do this several times in God’s word:

If you know your specific calling, focus on it! Develop your skills in that area, take an internship, read about it, and learn from the experts! If you have an interest, develop it! If you know you are good at something, research how to use it!

If you are wondering where God is taking you, you can still do all of the above. But for those of us who both know our mission and those of us waiting to discover it, we have God’s general will laid out for us. Put up the bumpers if you have to until you can focus on that will wholeheartedly! As we seek God’s general will with all we are, his specific will for our life is often revealed.

3. Keep the Vision

One of my favorite songs is A Woman’s Heart by Jenny Jordan Frogley. The chorus says:

She’s the keeper of the vision

She’s a beacon in the night

A teacher and defender of the truth

And everything she touches bears the traces of her light

She’s faithful to what God Himself would do

In the home, a wife and mother is the keeper of the vision. As young women, many of us unmarried and childless, we must begin this habit now! We must dedicate ourselves to seeking God’s will, eliminating distractions from that will, and preserving this eternal perspective in our character and homes. Someday we will pass on the vision to the next generation. Some of us even do that now in small groups, churches, and ministry!

We are the keepers. We are truly ‘beacons in the night’. We must know and make known the vision of a God-honoring home and life to those around us both in word and behavior.

I will close with one of my favorite verses, Habakkuk 2:2-3. In this passage the prophet Habakkuk is seeking God’s answer concerning the Israeli oppression at the hands of the Chaldeans. He begs God to say when he will intervene. God answers him:

“Write the vision;

make it plain on tablets,

so he may run who reads it.

For still the vision awaits its appointed time;

it hastens to the end—it will not lie.

If it seems slow, wait for it;

it will surely come; it will not delay.”

Wait for it. God is working. It will surely come. In the meantime, make the vision known to others so that they will run with it!

How dedicated we are to God and His will enables others to take the torch and run further than we can. This could be our children, but it could also be our friends, coworkers, and family members. We must remember the mountaintop view while we take the daily steps to get there. Both are God’s will for such a time as this (Esther 4:14).

Let me start this by saying my blog posts are designed to be transparent. But today I want to tell a story that fills in the details left out of many blog posts from the last nine months.

Josh started job searching last December as he was approaching the last semester of his studies in computer engineering. As we moved into the final semester, I began assisting with the search, looking up jobs, filling out applications, and editing resumes and cover letters. Josh put much effort into the search while also balancing senior projects in one of the hardest programs Liberty University offers (fun fact: the program requires the highest level of ability in math above all other programs. I can barely add 6 and 7. We’re a good match).

Primary Sidebar

Search this website

Welcome!

Overcomers gather here. I'm Phylicia, and I believe in abundant life, practically. In singleness or marriage, work or home, we don't have to live in defeat! Join me to learn how to apply God's Word and preach the gospel with your life. View Full Profile

ConvertKit Form

Live Lust Free!

My 7-day Lust Free Living email course helps women jump-start their journey to freedom. You'll get a week of practical, biblical advice straight to your inbox, and each day builds on the last, giving you the tools to defeat sexual sin and addiction.

Success! Now check your email to confirm your subscription.

There was an error submitting your subscription. Please try again.

First Name

Email Address

We use this field to detect spam bots. If you fill this in, you will be marked as a spammer.

I'd like to receive the free email course. 100% privacy, and we won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.