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July 2008

July 31, 2008

PREVIOUSLY on General Hospital: Night Shift--Dr. Ford hammed his way into the afterlife, leaving Patrick the new Chief of Staff; Leo Julian went from laidback and guitar playing to short and angry; Leo and his brother, Kyle, don't get along; Robin and Patrick were adorable again and some more; Billy Dee Williams returned from touring with The Saints and took a job as an orderly; Jagger Cates returned to Port Charles with his adorable son Stone in tow; the entire world was taken aback by how good the premiere episode of the second season was.

As much as I enjoying the second season of Night Shift, and not even just compared to the epic garbage that was the first season, there's still something off about it that I can't quite articulate: is it the shoddy editing? The continuing ripoffs of Grey's Anatomy? Have I just reached a point in my life where I'm unable to be wholly thrilled about anything? Have I become Maxine from the Hallmark cards?

That being said, it's certainly an entertaining way to spend an hour, and when was the last time I could say that about anything soap related?! And this week, the writers did the unthinkable: they made me like Epiphany. I KNOW! It's completely shocking!

Epiphany runs after Patrick asking for ten minutes of his hot, Chief of Staff-y time to go over a litany of hospital issues, and, in lieu of a real answer, he asks her if she likes pastrami. Befuddled, she says she doesn't particularly care for it, and he says that he does, because it reminds him of lunch, which he hasn't had in three days. Epiphany wants no part of Patrick's pity party and ignores him, choosing instead to run down the list of hospital problems. She mentions that she'd usually go to administration with all of this, but they're saying that it's Patrick's job now and, probably due to how palpable his hatred of life is, smiles gleefully and asks if he enjoys being Chief of Staff.

In response to his hot, stony silence, she playfully punches him on the arm (!!!)

and goes along her merry way with an extra spring in her step. I watched this scene half a dozen times, and I laughed out loud each time. They finally translated some of Sonya Eddy's awesomeness into her character! I didn't think that was possible. These people are miracle workers.

Patrick, for his part, spent the scene making the same face I usually make during Epiphany's scenes (a combination of Epiphany hatred, self hatred and soul-crushing dissatisfaction with life in general).

July 30, 2008

I don't know if it's just residual bitterness over the fact that my long hoped for "Sabrina is ACTUALLY playing Victor" story won't ever see the light of day, but I am so not invested in this story about Sabrina's long, drawn out, tragic, long and long death.

Maybe, as a General Hospital viewer, I've become so accustomed to soapy deaths that now I can't even muster up a mild form of sadness when characters get killed off. Maybe it's because I feel like the vigil over a comatose Victoria just ended and I'm all vigiled out. Or maybe I can't see past how rushed and silly this ENTIRE story arc has been since the moment Sabrina stepped foot into Genoa City in February and how I have never had one positive feeling about the character in her entire time on the show.

I don't know. Is it just me? Because I kind of feel like a completely horrible person for being all, "Um...so this has been going on for a while. Is she, you know, dead yet?" And I am not a completely horrible person. Partly horrible? Yes. Mostly horrible? Probably. But not completely horrible!

July 29, 2008

I feel like this should be obvious to anyone with even two functioning brain cells, but just so you know should the situation arise . . . If I ever:

Am married to a man who says he wants to divorce me, and in fact calls into question whether I am a genuinely good person (Note: In this scenario, I am not)

Have unbeknownst to my hot husband slept with my murderous ex-ex-ex-ex-husband prom-style in the back of a limo but am still getting all attitudinal with said husband about his minor flirtation with another woman

Routinely interrupt my husband's business meetings

Know that my husband wants to not only divorce me in the long term but escape me in the short term, via a business trip

Watch my husband JUMP OUT OF A FUCKING AIRPLANE to get away from me

Proceed to stalk that husband, who intentionally did not inform me of his whereabouts, in a foreign country and gain entry to his hotel room without his knowledge, AND

Have an attitude with the aforementioned husband when he has the unmitigated gall to be upset with the fact that I am PSYCHOTIC

I seriously cannot get over that yesterday, on General Hospital, Jax skydived out of a plane, in a suit, to get to a business meeting, because his crazy wife sneaked aboard his plane and somehow convinced a guy with a pilot's license and super-cushy private jet gig to circle endlessly against his boss's express wishes. I...just...the writers are actively trying to be terrible now, right? There are backstage bets going on?

Night Shift's second episode better be good, man. Even Rick Springfield's performance didn't pull me out of my anti-GH funk, so it's going to have to be really good.

July 28, 2008

I knew doing this recap would make me sad. Because, hello, Stone dies. Sob! But it made me sad in a completely different way: Comparing current General Hospital to 1995 General Hospital is the most heartbreaking soap-related thing I've seen since, I don't know, those hacks killed off Georgie last Christmas. This show used to be so, so good. It wasn't even just soap good -- it was good good. I haven't seen anything good good in daytime since I still wore a scrunchie (which was a REALLY long time ago, haters).

Anyway, be forewarned that you may read this recap and then hate modern-day General Hospital even more than you already do. Plus you may go into The Ugly Cry over Stone's death. So basically, I'm suggesting you have anti-depressants -- pharmaceutical, decanter-contained, or otherwise -- handy and I don't promise that this post will be funny or uplifting in any way. Read on at your own risk!

Backstory: If you were unfortunate enough not to have watched GH in
the early- to mid-1990s, and you want some background on Stone and the great, groundbreaking story he and Robin were a part of, here
are some clips:

If you are already sniffly, I must warn you, that situation will not improve.

It's early in the morning. Robin wakes up and tries to wake up
Stone, but he doesn't respond. She understandably starts to freak out.

Felicia is in a courtyard, when a bag of something falls from the
sky. She looks up and sees Tom, thrower of the bag of something. He
waves and tells her to have one of the somethings. Do not even get me started on how much I hated these two as a couple. They're not together yet in this episode. Thank god, or it might have tainted the soapy purity of Stone's death. Ick.

Sigmund leaps onto
Lucy and Kevin's bed. (Sigmund is a duck, in case you weren't watching then and were thinking this was leading to some kind of kinky threesome.) Lucy thinks Sigmund is trying to tell them
something is wrong.

She wants "Doc" (Kevin) to get out of bed and
figure it out, but Kev is all "Woman, it is a fucking duck. Let's go
back to sleep."

Even the old credits make me sad. So many of those great characters are gone, and most of the ones who are left are unrecognizable. Either way they've been sacrificed at the mob altar. Sigh.

Well, it looks like Days of Our Lives will have yet another head writer. According to at least one online source, Dena Higley is out. I have assumed she is the one who's been responsible for the last several snooze-inducing months of Days, including the cringe-inducing Daniel/Chelsea relationship, the yawn-inducing Morgan/Phillip/Chloe/Lucas/Sami/EJ/Nicole hexagon, the head-scratch-inducing ascent of Max Brady to central character status, and the fast-forward-inducing autism storyline, in which case I say good riddance. But apparently her spin is that she hasn't actually been writing the show in ages, so who knows.

Days has gotten a lot of undesirable attention from the WGA lately -- perhaps the showrunners ought to reconsider how they handle issues with the writers? Speaking of which, I found this part of Nelson Branco's post especially interesting:

Executive producer Ken Corday is said to be
trying to seize control of his series, and is hoping to position Higley
back at the helm.

Um, doesn't "executive producer" sort of imply that one should already be in control of the series? You know, being the executive in charge of the production? If not, they should totally change that title. It's way misleading! And as to the second point: What? Why?! I think there have been some good high points during Higley's tenure, but the show has been more uneven than my balance after five Kettle Ones, and the ratings are in what I think people in the biz refer to as "the crapper."

Anyway, it will be interesting to see how this story shapes up, and more importantly who the new head writer is and whether s/he can finally rescue Days. In the meantime, I'll continue watching (sort of), yawning (definitely), amassing the world's largest collection of screencaps of EJ's hotness and Kate's insane hair and wardrobe, while blogging about the episodes I really care about -- from 20 years ago. Good times.

July 24, 2008

I'm not saying it was perfect, but this season premiere of Night Shift did nothing to diminish my optimism about the second go-around for this show that previously led me to question the continuing necessity for cable television. There are obviously things that are skewing my viewpoint, including but not limited to the nearly naked appearance of national treasure Antonio Sabato Jr., and Patrick and Robin's banter making a welcome return. So please know that I understand that the show is not, like, an actual high-quality primetime drama. But compared to the boring crap we're subjected to every afternoon, it is far superior. If the rest of the episodes are like this, I am going to find it very difficult to be entertaining and by the end may just resort to photo-essays of Jagger and Patrick, interspersed with love poems to the new head writer and executive producer including pleas that they stage a coup of OG GH. And yes, I know most of you guys would probably prefer that.

On with the show.

Robin and Patrick are stretched out in post-HavingTheSex bliss (I've developed an aversion to the word "coital") on her couch, and he says he feels like he's in high school.

Robin: Please don't tell me you were having sex with pregnant girls in high school.Patrick: No....Not pregnant girls as hot as you, of course.

Hee!
One line in and I laughed. I don't know how to react to that, unusual
a situation as it is with soaps these days. Patrick and Robin banter a
bit more about high school, and then about couch shopping because Robin's is apparently not comfortable for nooners.

I almost
had a heart attack thinking we were going to have to relive that
horrible ongoing argument Patrick and Robin had last year over the
couch in his apartment, but it
turns out Patrick is totally fine with buying a couch together -- just
not shopping together. I am so with him on that. Shopping is my
private time! If you ever read me blogging about shopping with a guy,
you will know I have truly fallen.

Anyway, they flirt adorably and make out some more. Adorable adorableness. I have missed this version of Patrick and Robin!

Side note: Kimberly McCullough looks fantastic. The OG GH hair and
makeup crew seems to go out of their way to make her look tired and as if she has her hair cut in a garage somewhere for five dollars,
whereas the Night Shift folks are clearly committed to making her look gorgeous:

In case you missed the July 22nd issue of Soap Opera Digest (which would be tragic, since the Take Five feature on the last page was about Peter Bergman. His pet peeve is bad manners. Mallory's is, too! Her delighted squealing over this fact seriously made Becca consider kicking her off of the blog), our columns appear after the jump. This month, our editors asked us to weigh in on the Daytime Emmys and, to the surprise of absolutely no one, we're still a little bitter about some of the awards. And the ceremony itself. And the pre-show. We're seriously considering sending our therapy bills to Brian Frons and his intrepid team of producers...

July 23, 2008

If there is someone out there who is legitimately entertained by multiple (MULTIPLE!) episodes about Ryan's sperm and how well it functions, I would like to meet them. In a laboratory setting, preferably, where they can be closely monitored by medical professionals, because I'm pretty sure their synapses aren't firing properly.

I mean, I'd like to explain the whole thing away as a dare, like, "Okay, okay, I've got the best plan: let's do a show all about Ryan's sperm and see how low the ratings can get! It will be awesome!" (or, even better, repress it) but the part of me who has watched AMC for years and understands all too well the depths of love the powers-that-be have for Ryan knows better and knows that somewhere, some misguided soul thinks that this show is genuinely good, rather than ultra disturbing.

DISTURBING

Annie telling Ryan that she's pregnant and him IMMEDIATELY accusing her of cheating and telling her he'll divorce her and getting the vapors

Ryan: Look, um -- I'm not going to use this against you, ok? I'm not. We can settle everything fairly. And, you know, we'll both tell Emma together. And we'll do it in a way that she can understand. And we'll make sure, most importantly, that she knows that we love her no matter what, all right?

Um, I know I ranted to hell and back about the ludicrousness of Victor getting Sabrina pregnant on Y&R* but, you know, vasectomies don't always work. It's almost like he was all, "YES! A reason to dump your bland ass for Greenlee. Thanks so much for being a cheating whore, you made my life so much easier! We'll make sure to tell Emma really nicely together so that she doesn't get mad at me, which means that I can eventually sue you for custody down the road".

I know Annie is insane and that her machinations regarding Ryan's vasectomy are crazy, but Ryan doesn't know that! So who is he to judge?

DISTURBING

Aiden's concern over the discovery of the vasectomy that wasn't was so weird.

(I promise that he was trying to express concern at that moment. Trying and failing, but trying nonetheless)

It wasn't just that he was concerned with the fallout for his girlfriend, it was like he was sympathizing with her over the injustice of someone else having Ryan's spawn and not Greenlee. Or him, for that matter. He was like, way more depressed over a friend's failed vasectomy than most people would be. I'm just saying, there's fanfic potential here.

DISTURBING

Petey's glasses

Okay, that may not have anything to do with the discussion at hand and I have actually really, really enjoyed Petey and the way his scheming has gotten Adam to go back to his old tricks, but I just felt the need to go on record as being totally against that.

DISTURBING

Of course the most disturbing thing of all was that FOUR ADULTS sat around and waited for test results to see whether or not Ryan can have children.

Why on earth would you hang around a hospital waiting room so you can see whether or not your girlfriend's ex-husband got his wife pregnant? When your wife insists that you stick around to see if her ex's sperm works, why don't you say "You know what, you stay here, but I have better things to do. I'm going to go stare at a wall for a little while and then maybe clip coupons even though I'm richer than God just because there's something fun about seeing what's on sale and putting the best coupons in a little envelope to bring to the grocery store"? Ryan's sperm has always gotten Greenlee and Kendall all atwitter (...there's really no way to read that sentence and not think it needs an NSFW designation, is there?), so their tomfoolery is sadly in character for them, but Zach and Aidan totally should have hightailed it out of there and left the two lunatics behind.

I'm sorry, no one in the world is that important. No one needs this sort of entourage while they wait and see if their parts are functioning. That is absolutely ludicrous on a "You're a hitman, but you performed, like, the best C-section ever" level!

*I...spend an awful lot of time talking about the sperm of fictional people. My parents must be so proud of me.

Am I completely out of my mind, or was our optimism about this show warranted? Patrick and Robin had a new conversation, and even bantered! Jagger had a fun entrance, was charming, momentarily wore nothing but a towel, and introduced his adorable son named Stone! The new hospital set is cool! There was no hideous hair or fashion! There were no mobsters, or murders set to music!

Sure, there were low points: Among other things, Dr. Ford's death scene was unintentionally hilarious, and Patrick being Chief of Staff is almost as ridiculous as a hitman being the hero of a soap opera. But overall, it was good, right?

The full recap will be up Thursday night. Perhaps by then I will have decided I hated this, but for now I'm....looking forward to next week's episode. Of something related to General Hospital. WHAT IS THIS FEELING AND HOW DO I COPE?!

July 22, 2008

Jax and Carly broke up! And I think it might be for good! One of my favorite characters has been freed from one of my most hated! Hurrah! I mean, don't get me wrong, this show still sucks, but Carly being unhappy and Jax being single is the best pairing in Port Charles since Courtney was dead and Sonny was crying.

I have not hidden my love for a good soap fight, and Carly and Jax's latest blow-up did not disappoint. Somehow the GH writers seem to script very realistic fights. Since they say you write what you know, this makes me think that maybe they have lots of arguments in real life. But then they would be bitter misanthropes who wouldn't really have the proper mental approach to write a soap opera and as a result the show would be....Oh. Ooooooh.