Rusty : Four legs good. Two legs bad. You know, just because you made a colossal mistake going back to Omega Chi doesn't mean I'd ignore you.

Calvin : No. I thought you were just too embarrassed to talk to me.

Rusty : Embarrassed?

Calvin : Yeah, seeing as how you blatantly used me to get back at Evan.

Rusty : Yeah, I guess we both got a little carried away.

Calvin : Yeah, we did. One second.

Cellphones ring.

Rusty’s cellphone (Cappie) : All pledges report to the Kappa Tau house immediately. Justice has been served.

Rusty : Everything okay?

Calvin : Yeah, you know, just house stuff. If I told you i'd have to kill you. So...

Rusty : Me too. I'll see you later.

ZBZ HOUSE – Ashleigh & Casey’s room

Ashleigh : Okay, how's my top?

Casey : There's some cleavage showing. Just think what your grandmother would want you to wear.

Ashleigh : My grandmother bought me this top.

Casey : Here. Just until we get out of the house, and then we're good to go.

Ashleigh : I Miss looking cute. I Miss cute boys! Lizzi's rules are totally robbing us of our college experience. She makes us go to bed at 10:00... So I wake up at 4:00. And do you think it's fun watching all the drunk couples make out on Greek row when I know that I should be there?

Casey : I know how challenging it's been to have Lizzi here. We've hit rock-bottom. But that means there's nowhere to go but up.

Lizzi : Ladies, foyer, please! We have visitors!

ZBZ HOUSE – Hallway

Lizzi : May I have your attention? As a reward for all of your hard work and dedication, I'm very proud to announce that this saturday I have arranged for us to have... A mixer! So let's meet our guests and show them the new Zeta Beta Zeta.

Casey : The Psi Phi Pis.

Ashleigh : They're "pstoked"?

Casey : I believe the "P" is silent.

Ashleigh : Much like the cry of despair inside me right now. I think we've hit a new rock bottom.

Psi Phi Pi : Hello.

Credits

KT HOUSE – Living room

Cappie : Fellow defenders of the free and easy world. As you all know, we recently suffered a grave indignity at the hands of the enemy who seeks to destroy ourway of life. I refer, of course, to... A certain fraternity and a certain member of said fraternity who tipped off our good friend officer huck about the prohibition party.

Ben Bennett : Omega Chi.

Wade : Evan Chambers.

Cappie : They are not worthy of names. But they do however, deserve our help. Beav? As a one-time photography minor, what really interests me about this particular study is that it is completely unretouched. Give 'em one of these, one of those. Give 'em some big teefers. All right, boys, line up. Let's see if we can't make this fine showpiece complete. Ben bennett, get up there. Time to shine. Come on.

Rusty : Are we gonna sneak the picture back into the Omega Chi house?

Cappie : Green as a young sapling. We're not going back to the Omega Chi house.

Wade : We're gonna wait for Omega Chi to come to us.

Cappie : Now... Get your draw on, son. We're goin'to battle.

ZBZ HOUSE – Hallway

Ashleigh : Every second that banner stays up here is a permanent scar on our reputation. It's like a stretch mark.

Casey : I'm gonna need your help if we're going to fix this.

Ashleigh : Anything.

Casey : You're social chair. Do you think you can convince the Psi Phi Pis to back out of the mixer without making it look like they dumped us?

Ashleigh : Challenging, but doable. What are you gonna do?

Casey : I'll take care of Lizzi. Somehow. We've ignored her, snuck around her, gone along with her. It just keeps getting worse.

Lizzi : I think a little higher on the right, and then it'll be perfecto.

Ashleigh : You know, she plays it straight, but she's gotta have a past too. Maybe she's got, like, dead people in her closet. You did blackmail Rebecca.

Casey : And if Lizzi were a diva demon like Rebecca, it would be much easier. But she's so freakin'perky and nice.

KT HOUSE – Dark living room

Cappie : Suit yourself. Won't be long now.

Rusty : You said that two hours ago.

Cappie : Is that fear I sense in you, son? Or are you just quivering with anticipation? I wish I knew what I was anticipating.

Beaver : I ordered a pizza. And we all learn the lesson : pack a snack. Here. Go get the pizza.

Rusty : What if it's the Omega Chis?

Cappie : Then tip them poorly. And nail them with hot sauce. We'll be right behind you. Go on. Sweet moves.

Rusty : Calvin. What are you doing here?

Calvin : Sorry, Rusty.

Rusty : Sorry for what?

Calvin : Sorry for this.

Rusty : Fish smell! Fish smell!

Wade : We have breach.

Cappie : Stand by. Stand by. Hit the lights!

Omega chis : There it is!

Cappie : Go, go, go!

Omega chi : Go, go, go!

Cappie : Spitter, let's go, let's go!

Omega chis : I can't see! Go, go, go

Kappa Taus : We got 'em!

Cappie : This is gonna be fun.

Rusty : Omega Chis!

Kappa Taus : These guys were just decoys!

Cappie : Ambush. Mobilize. Mobilize!

Rusty : Run!

Evan : Go, go, go!

All : Get down, everybody! Get down!

Beaver : Hold the fence!

All : Don't breathe it!

Pizza man : Got a large meat lovers for beaver?

Rusty : Over here. Keep the change.

Pizza man : Enjoy your pie.

ZBZ HOUSE – Dining room

Lizzi : Egg whites and fruit? You're so healthy.

Casey : Discipline has become a theme in my life, thanks to you. Deep down, I think we've all been craving the structure you've brought to the house.

Lizzi : That makes me so happy. And I'm so proud of our little ZBZ kittens.

Casey : As... are we all. And I'm thinking that it would really benefit the sisterhood to have a sense of when we... As ZBZ kittens. Are ready to, be weaned... From your... Teat?

Lizzi : You wanna know what it's gonna take to get me gone.

Casey : We don't want to be a burden. There must be other chapters in need of your considerable talents. If we had a chart, perhaps...

Lizzi : A chart! That would be so cool!

Casey : Yes.

Lizzi : But no. This chapter's independence is solely up to my own discretion. And, in my mind, there's really only one thing left for you to do to prove that you're all back on the right path. You and I are going on a field trip.

CRU – Psychiatric ward

Casey : So you want us to do more philanthropy? That's it?

Lizzi : Not exactly. It does involve a little selflessness, though.

Casey : Frannie?

Lizzi : Your lost ZBZ sister.

Casey : I thought Frannie was insane last semester, but I never...

CRU – Psychiatric ward – A few minutes later

Casey : So, you've known where Frannie's been this whole time.

Lizzi : Frannie contacted me almost immediately after I arrived at ZBZ. And she made it clear that she has deep regrets for her actions, and she wanted to make things right.

Casey : And you believed her.

Frannie : Casey, I sincerely understand your skepticism.

Casey : You do?

Frannie : I have been selfish and controlling... Well, most of my life. But being away has helped me gain some perspective. Take a hard, honest look at myself and figure out what I have to do to change.

Lizzi : And since Frannie left, she has logged so many volunteer hours that if she were still a ZBZ in good standing, the cru chapter would be leading the race right now for the national philanthropy cup.

Casey : Great. But... We suspended her for abandoning the sority.

Lizzi : A simple majority vote can overturn that suspension. We'd hold the diamond ceremony in which Frannie pledges her eternal loyalty to the sisters. And then each and every girl would have to accept.

Frannie : I wanna come back to ZBZ, Casey.

Casey : And I want Jessica Simpson to stop putting out CDS, but you can't always get what you want. She nearly cost us our charter.

Lizzi : Forgiveness is the supreme act of sisterhood. You asked me what you could do to regain your independence. This is it. Heal ZBZ's most painful internal wound.

CRU - Street

Ashleigh : Jason? Hi. I'm ashleigh.

Jason : It's weird how we all look the same.

Ashleigh : You're Psi Phi Pi social chair Jason?

Jason : Yeah.

Ashleigh : Sorry. So.

Jason : You're desperately looking for a way out of the mixer.

Ashleigh : Not... desperately.

Jason : Why don't you just cancel?

Ashleigh : Well, we're... Sort of under the thumb of this rules-obsessed woman who's totally out of touch with stuff.

Jason : Like social hierarchy and that sort of thing.

Ashleigh : No, that's not what I meant.

Jason : Sure. So since you can't back out of the mixer, you want us to. Which is fine. Consider it done.

Ashleigh : Well, you know, it's not what you think. Our social calendar is really limited, and we have to consider our entire year when we make plans.

Jason : Any smart social chair would. Like I said, consider it done.

Ashleigh : Fine. Did you just call me smart?

Jason : Is that a problem?

Ashleigh : I just don't want there to be any hard feelings here.

Jason : There aren't any.

Ashleigh : Well, I think there are.

Jason : Okay. There are. Let's, have some coffee and discuss it.

Ashleigh : Thank you!

KT HOUSE – Living room

Rusty : Do I still smell like fish?

Ben Bennett : We all still smell like fish, spitter.

Cappie : Get your daggum chins out your shoestrings. Okay, now. My Grandcappie used to tell me that the true test of a solider don't come until you're full of holes and ain't got no bullets left. Now, we may be bleedin' and shooting blanks. We may smell like the stuff you find at the bottom of a catfish barrel, but this ain't over!

Cappie : Beaver. Yeah. And me. And wade. And whoever else has the persimmons to pull themselves out of the pity pool and reload like a true Kappa Tau. Now, who's in? I said who's in?

Ben Bennett : Yeah.

All : Yeah...

Cappie : Come on.

Rusty : Hey, Cap, can I talk to you?

Cappie : Yeah. Morale's low, spitter. What do you got for me?

Rusty : I hate Evan as much as you do, for many reasons. But if we launch a counterattack, the Omega Chis are gonna counter our counterattack. And then we'll counter their counter of our counterattack, and it'll go on and on and on until dean bowman busts us or someone gets really hurt. I mean, it's like, what's the point?

Cappie : What's the... What's the point in defending the honor of a bunch of guys who vowed to protect you as you have them? I'm sorry, spitter. I don't really know how to answer that one. Keep working!

ZBZ HOUSE – Living room

Frannie : And I really want to apologize for calling you stout. You're not. And Mandi, I am so, so sorry I told you your boyfriend was gay.

Casey : There would have to be a majority vote of the sisterhood to Even consider bringing her back. Then we hold this really complicated ceremony, and there the decision has to be unanimous to let her back in. I know you guys want Lizzi gone, but do you seriously think Frannie has changed? Think about how she treated you. Then ask yourself if you really want to go through that again.

Lizzi : It looks like our friends over at Psi Phi Pi have made this saturday's big event... The biggest news on campus. I'm so excited!

Mandi : I think I'm ready to vote.

ZBZ HOUSE – Ashleigh & Casey’s room

Ashleigh : I can't believe no one else had the guts to vote against holding the diamond ceremony. I feel so antiwar right now.

Casey : Really. Could it be that... I don't know, he's a guy? You said it yourself. You miss boys.

Ashleigh : I know that, but this is different. I've never met Jason before, and yet, it's like I've known him forever. And I know it's totally creepy, but at the same time... Disturbingly hot.

CRU - Street

Casey : Make a little room for me?

Rusty : Might not wanna get too close. I smell like an ahi burrito.

Casey : Let me guess... Fish oil and hot sauce.

Rusty : You heard?

Casey : I heard.

Rusty : It's kinda stupid, huh?

Casey : If it wasn't stupid, it wouldn't be boys fighting. You ever feel like everybody around you has completely lost their mind?

Rusty : Last night when I was under the barbecue, I saw Beaver smearing mayonnaise on an Omega Chi pledge.

Casey : People are who they are. Just because one says they're gonna be different doesn't mean they will be.

Rusty : Same goes for pigs.

Casey : See? You're all crazy.

Rusty : It's an allegory using barnyard animals to criticize the russian revolution. How even the purest minds can be corrupted by leaders who are addicted to power.

Casey : Sounds alarmingly familiar.

Rusty : You read it?

Casey : No. But Frannie's doing this whole born again nice person act, everybody wants her reinstated but me.

Rusty : Wasn't she gone?

Casey : She's back, and since I'm the leader of the resistance, which is basically just me and Ashleigh, Lizzi makes me go through mediation.

Rusty : Mediation.

Casey : Yeah.

Rusty : That's actually a really good idea.

Casey : I doubt it.

Rusty : You never know until you try.

ZBZ HOUSE – Dining room

Lizzi : Phase one of mediation is airing of grievances. There can be no yelling, no interrupting, no scoffing, and no face making. And to avoid accusations, each point of interest must begin with the words "I feel." Casey ?

Casey : I feel... that Frannie put the entire sisterhood in jeopardy by advocating a policy of dishonesty in handling our crisis with Nationals. I also feel that her abuse of chapter funds and decision to leave the house after being removed as president showed that the well-being of the sisterhood was not her primary concern.

Lizzi : That was very well done. Frannie, it's your turn.

Frannie : I feel... that... I have no grievances to air.

Casey : Pfff.

Lizzi : Casey ? Was that a scoff?

Casey : A... hiccup? Sorry.

Lizzi : All right. Casey, What, specifically, do you need from Frannie in order to accept her back? Not only into Zeta Beta Zeta, but back into your heart.

Casey : I need...

Lizzi : I feel.

Casey : I feel. I don't know. That I need Frannie to... make things right.

Frannie : I feel that... I can't do anything to change the past. But I promise... to do everything I can as a sister and a friend to redeem myself in the present.

Lizzi : Casey, Is that satisfactory?

Casey : I'm sorry, it's not.

Lizzi : What's the problem?

Casey : She doesn't mean it. How can I be the only one to see?

Lizzi : Violation.

Frannie : Casey.

Casey : This is just not going to happen.

ZBZ HOUSE – Ashleigh & Casey’s room

Casey : I'd like my privacy.

Frannie opens the door.

Casey : Perfect.

Frannie : I know you're upset, and I honor that. I just thought if... We spoke privately, we could get underneath... what's bothering you.

Casey : You are what's bothering me. There's nothing to get underneath.

Frannie : I'm really trying here. Maybe you could do the same.

Casey : Please. You and I both know that nice Frannie is just a new way to manipulate people. It's what you've always done.

Frannie : You have a selective memory.

Casey : And here are the memories I've selected. You wanted to give my room to Rebecca because of her father's private jet. You tried to sabotage my chances to become Omega Chi Sweetheart. You guilted me into staying with Evan after he cheated on me. Then when our relationship was no longer helpful to you, you broke us up. Are there some other highlights I've missed?

Frannie : Look... I've done my best to take responsibility for my mistakes. But you act like I made you stay with Evan. It was your choice. It was also your choice to haze Rebecca out of spite, which put me in the awkward position of having to discipline my little sister. Who eventually... Went behind my back to Tegan and stole my presidency.

Casey : I didn't steal your presidency. I did what I had to do to save the house.

Frannie : You should have talked to me first.

Casey : And you should have been a friend. But you were completely incapable of doing that.

Frannie : You don't want me here? Fine. Good luck spending the rest of the year with Lizzi.

OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Garden

Rusty : Don't worry. I know what I'm doing.

Calvin : This is a bad idea.

Rusty : It's a great idea. Shouldn't we be able to be in separate fraternities and still have a normal friendship?

Calvin : But right now, things are still totally agro. And Cappie and Evan hate each other.

Rusty : Exactly. That's my whole point.

Calvin : Now is not the time, okay? Please don't do this.

Rusty : Calvin, I have to do this.

OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Hallway

Omega Chi guy : You lost Cartright?

Rusty : I'm not lost. I'm here to make a proposition.

Omega Chi guy : My proposition is we clean the toilet with his brillo head.

Evan : Let's hear what he has to say.

Rusty : I'm here to make a case for peace between Omega Chi and Kappa Tau.

Evan : Pipe it, guys. Come on, look, he had the nuts to walk in here alone. Give him a chance to say his piece. Go ahead.

Rusty : I know there are plenty of good guys in this fraternity. There are plenty of good guys in Kappa Tau. So here's my question : why are we enemies? I'll tell you why. Because we let a conflict between two people or maybe three people become a war involving us all. Are we just barnyard animals, blindly following our leader into a battle we don't even understand? Or are we intelligent people who see the value in an alliance between the two best fraternities on campus? If we work together, we can make this happen. It all starts with getting the people that have a problem with each other in the same room and helping them solve their diff...

CRU-Street

Rusty : Oowww !!

Cappie : Officer Huck. Hey. How's the fungus coming along?

Cop : Save it. He one of yours?

Cappie : Our best and brightest.

Cop : Who's responsible for the prank? I want names.

Calvin : Think he's ratting us out right now?

Evan : No. Cappie's gonna want revenge on his own terms. He's probably just telling Officer Huck some lame story to make him go away.

Casey : Well, maybe you didn't find him so much attractive but familiar. We all repeat patterns.

Ashleigh : No. I thought he was attractive. And that's a pattern that's gonna end right now. Come with me.

CRU – Man Bathroom

Jason : Wow

Ashleigh : Listen up, Jason. Or should I say Travis? You... go find a tree. I spent seven years letting you make me feel like I wasn't pretty or smart or refined enough to be worthy. And I'm not gonna do it anymore. I'm not gonna be attracted this anymore. Because I am smart, and I'm hot, and nobody I spend time with is gonna disrespect me or my friends... ever. So you know what you're gonna do now? You're gonna go back to your house, and you're gonna say that as social chair, you think it's in everybody's best interest to cancel the mixer.

Jason : Why would I do that?

Ashleigh : Because, if you don't, I'll tell everyone what I saw. Or, actually, didn't see while I was in here.

Casey : I think... We can go now.

Ashleigh : Yes, we can.

CRU – Dale & Rusty’s room

Calvin : Hey. Just came by to, you know, see how you're doing.

Rusty : And then what? You and the brothers gonna go club some baby seals?

Calvin : Well, are they Kappa Tau baby seals? Because maybe... Come on. Rusty, it was a college prank, all right? You can't take it so personally.

Rusty : It's funny you say that, 'cause I keep thinking how it would have played out if you'd gone to the Kappa Tau house. I never would have let that same thing happen to you.

Calvin : I warned you, all right? I told you going in it was not a good idea. You didn't listen.

Rusty : They abducted me and taped me to the side of a building. You did nothing to stop it.

Calvin : It was a prank! Come on.

Rusty : I've got studying to do.

Calvin : Okay.

ZBZ HOUSE – Lizzi ‘s office

Lizzi : Since I'm gonna be staying until the end of the year, I thought I would make my room a little homier. And this danish furniture... It's so snazzy! And economical. Now, I am all about this farnsek bureau...

Casey : Lizzi.

Lizzi : But maybe the blogaard bookshelf would just be a more practical use of my space.

Casey : Is there some other thing we can do as sisters to be independent other than readmitting Frannie?

Lizzi : Wish there was, Casey. That's the only solution.

Casey : I know you said forgiveness is the ultimate act of sisterhood. But how can I do something when every fiber of my being tells me it's wrong?

Lizzi : Read this.

Casey : I read this as a pledge. It's not like there's some ritual for behavior modification.

Lizzi : Sometimes a second, closer examination can reveal things you didn't see before. Now, if I go with the blogaard bookshelf, I'm totally getting the smeglon nightstand.

KT HOUSE – Living room

Rusty : Hey, Cappie.

Cappie : Spitter, good to see you're out and about. Here, come check these out. Schematics of the Omega Chi house. First drawn in 1979. Then carefully added to and adjusted by each class ever since. Egyptian Joe, head of the plumbing after the war of'04. The only thing we don't have is the air vents.

Rusty : These will help. You still looking for a counterattack idea?

Cappie : Well, I was waiting for inspiration to strike at any moment. Unless you've got something.

Rusty : Yeah. I think I do.

ZBZ HOUSE – Living room

Casey : To reaffirm the spirit and foundation of the Diamond Ceremony, we will begin with the sacred Zeta Beta Zeta pledge of sisterhood. To the sisterhood, we pledge truth... Loyalty, and sority.

All : “Unrestricted, our commitment.”

“Unconditional, our allegiance.”

“With hearts and souls that are forevermore”

“Zeta Beta Zeta.”

Frannie : With humility, I pledge my soul to Zeta Beta Zeta.

Lizzi : I accept your pledge. And I welcome you back into my heart.

Frannie : With humility, I pledge my soul to Zeta Beta Zeta.

Mandi : I accept your pledge. And I welcome you back into my heart.

Frannie : With humility, I pledge my soul to Zeta Beta Zeta.

Ashleigh : I accept your pledge and welcome you back into my heart.

Frannie : With humility, I pledge my soul to Zeta Beta Zeta.

Casey : I accept your pledge and welcome you back into my heart.

OMEGA CHI HOUSE – Evan’s room

Evan : Stop it. You gotta stop. Casey... That's a cow! That's a cow!

OMEGA CHI HOUSE – Garden

Cappie : Truly inspired idea, spitter. How do you feel?

Rusty : Good. I feel good. Guess we'd better reinforce the house before they strike back.

Evan : Hey!

Cappie : Too late. Quite a mixer you boys must have had last night. Is this a new sorority, or...

Rusty : Sumatra is an Island off Indonesia. People there speak Malaysian.

Cappie : They do?

Rusty : Yeah.

Cappie : Well, that explains a lot.

Rusty : Hey.

Calvin : Hey.

Rusty : Have you ever had any friends outside the fraternity?

Cappie : Sure. Yeah. Jana. Julia. Rachel. She was an especially good friend.

Rusty : No, no. I mean guy friends.

Cappie : Right... Then the answer's no.

Rusty : Well, weren't you friends with Evan?

Cappie : Yes. Evan Longoria and I roomed together freshman year, as you well know. But, there were numerous factors that led to our breakup. Friendships in college are sort of like Cro-Magnon man. They either evolve or they become extinct. Now, for you and Calvin, it's all gonna depend on how much energy you're willing to put into adapting.