going through the motions, and then deciding not to go through the motions...

january 30.

it's been a while.

i've been reading. and writing. but not here.

this week, i saw a shrink for the first time.

in a way, it felt good to just take a verbal dump. it was a lot to cram into one short hour, and in two mondays, i'll go back for round two.

last weekend, i went to see tim burton's exhibit at moma. it was INCREDIBLE.

i wrote this whole synopsis in my journal, to scan in and post. and i'm going back again. because we missed entire sections of the exhibit that we weren't aware of until we were home, far from moma.

i spent the night in nyc for the first time ever, with hum, after a failed attempt to go dancing. well, we did go dancing, but it wasn't all that it could have been. it was actually a huge disappointment. but all that means is that the next attempt will be incredible. he'll have to come here for that, though.

so here's a story:

ever's mom is kinda crazy. always has been, far as i can tell, from stories he tells me.

the history: her second husband (after ever's dad) left her for his secretary. fucked her up big time. she's never been the same since, and this was over ten years ago.

her role in ever's life is to overdramatize situations, create friction, and gather pity. in the nine years i've known her, she's 'almost died' a few times, had several 'breakdowns', and has had a baseball sized tumor. none of which were remotely accurate.

nothing is ever good, she never has anything nice to say, and when ever gets over that and decides to call her anyway, she only has time to talk to him about a quarter of the time.

it's very different from how my mother is. my mother will hide things from me until they're solid (doctor's visits and testing, health issues, etc.). his mom will call him to tell him there might be a tumor, someone might be going to the hospital, things like that. which never are accurate.

so this is the backround.

i haven't spoken to her since my birthday. she called me and left me a voicemail. i called her back from the airport flying back from the trip home, but she didn't answer, so i left her a voicemail. this was my last interaction with her.

when i got home from that trip, and ever and i started discussing our future and our marriage and all of that, he was telling me (before the heavy conversation) that he had made a big mistake. i was freaked out, thinking he'd stumbled upon something of mine, going into my email, stalking my fb page, etc.

but he said that his mom had called him that day to tell him that one of his ex's was pregnant, we'll call her cheryl. and that he had gone to her fb page to look around. this is not the first time, which i already knew.

this is nothing out of the ordinary. any time his mom runs into anyone he dated, from his middle school days forward, she will call to tell him all about it, and what they're up to now. when his mom ran into cheryl, and found out she was engaged to a man at least 15 years her senior, she called to tell him. when she was married, she called to tell him. and now this. ON MY BIRTHDAY.

this cheryl was with ever for almost as long as we've been married, maybe seven years. they lived together for most of that time. when she broke up with him and he moved out, she started dating women. for several years. and still lived in the same complex he was living, so he saw her often.

he actually accused me of being a lesbian for the first several months we were together, because of it. he always convinced himself i was going to leave him for a woman. but this ended when he stopped drinking.

anyways, around the same time mom was calling him to tell him about cheryl being pregnant, she was looking through pictures i'd posted on facebook from my trip home. and made a comment about one of the pictures of me with coffee (what the 'saturn' thing was written about), saying that he's not my husband and that she sees how he is looking at me.

at the time, i panicked. i didn't want ever to see or get wind of the picture for fear that he'd put a name with a face with a run-in and freak out, or for coffee to see that rediculousness. and worried that his mom would call him and tell him to look at the pictures and stir up shit that way; i panicked.

after almost deleting her comment, and then almost deleting the picture, i decided that would only incriminate me, so i decided to leave it there, and put something after it saying that he was just an old friend catching up.

[though, honestly, i was glad that an objective party thought he was looking at me in that kind of a way. because it validated how i felt that night, even if it was all completely a game on his end]

so fast forward to last week. i became an fb fan of 'not being pregnant'. because i'm glad i'm not and that i never have been, and that i don't intend to be for a very long time.

i knew when i did it that she would probably have something to say about it, as would my mother. only my mom didn't. but she commented on it; 'EVER???'

so i'd already been toying with the idea of banning her from my fb after the photo comment incident back in december, and then the pregnant thing, because she only uses my information to try to stir up shit with her son.

this week, i deleted her comment from the picture. i felt like enough time had passed that she wouldn't go back to it, and wouldn't notice. and the last thing i'd want is for coffee to see that. it was just too embarrassing.

so.

we're out to dinner last night.

and i asked him if he'd talked to his mom lately. i don't know why i asked. i should have known better.

he said he called her on her birthday. which i knew about. it was early this week.

and then, he said...

'yeah. she was giving me shit about you going to new york last weekend. staying overnight with hum and all.'

i was pretty surprised, and asked if he was serious.

he said she kept asking him why it didn't bother him that i was staying overnight with another man, in another city. he told her that hum doesn't pose a threat at all, and that he knows him, and that hum likes men, so there was nothing to feel weird about.

and she actually said to him...

'well, that's what he wants you to think.'

it almost ruined our dinner out.

i was so pissed at all the things implied by this. she had gotten all the information from my fb posts about being so excited for this trip and how much fun i was ready to have, counting down the days. and then called him to give him shit about it.

she was not only implying that my friend is lying about his sexuality to get me alone on an overnight trip (i've known him longer than i have known ever - he was actually there the day i met ever), but that also i cannot be trusted with another man (gay or straight), and that together the two of us were creating this whole false situation so that we could be alone together.

so i came home. and searched for the steps you can take to block people from seeing certain information about you. and blocked the majority of everything from her.

and then previewed my page as she will see it. it's going to be very clear that she can't see what she used to see, and i'm sure when she realizes this, he will hear about it. but at least i didn't banish her altogether.

fuck her.

seriously.

i don't need that drama in my life. i don't need her complicating my marriage further. i don't need her putting thoughts like these into his head. he has enough there already.

when i told him that we had enough issues in our marriage, that we didn't need her trying to stir up more, he said that if she knew that we were struggling, it would only make things worse.

anyways, the whole situation makes me really angry.

and, what's more, i'm friends with his cousin also. who his mom spends a lot of time with. and i wouldn't put it past her to figure out that his cousin isn't blocked and that she could see things through her account.

but we'll wait and see.

i'm sure any day now the phone will ring, with her proposing to him that there's proof of an affair in there somewhere...