Sex on TV

The man will keep his suit on and will be married, but definitely not to you. It will be against a wall or on an office sofa, and he will be just drunk enough to be angry at you for the painful memory your touch triggers in him. You will remind him of her. One of you will cry, but nobody else can ever know.

The Simpsons

You will live a happy and silly life, and every now and then somebody will surprise you with a moment of deep emotion and sweetness. You will disappear under a blanket with them and giggle.

Game of Thrones

You will walk around the room naked for a while before anything else happens. If your partner is a man, he will slap your thigh at some point as though you are a valuable horse. If it is a woman, there will be a man present to watch and maybe join in, if he’s from one of the sexy places and not one of the cold sad ones.

True Blood

At least five people will be involved, and a maximum of two will be human. Blood will go everywhere. Someone will be under the control of a spell or a ghost. The lighting will be very warm.

House of Cards

Nobody will seem convincingly attracted to anyone but sex will happen anyway. It will all be a bit depressing.

The OC

The moments leading up to it will be extremely intense and you won’t know if you can handle all this at your age, but ultimately it will be fun and in a really nice house with a pool.

Parks and Recreation

There will have been some tension about whether or not you’d get together, but not too much. When you finally hold each other it will feel both surprising and inevitable. You will both be full of joy.

Girls

You will enjoy talking about it more than you enjoy doing it. You will expect one level of emotional investment but you’ll actually experience a different one.

Masters of Sex

Someone will always be hesitant and nervous, but each time it will alternate which of you that is. Things will go slowly at first, because one of you will be teaching the other how to really feel.

Two and a Half Men

You will be so desperate to have sex with Charlie Sheen even he will start to doubt the plausibility of it.

The Americans

One of you will be being fooled, and the other will be working to bring down a government. The latter will be wearing a wig, but it will be not be disturbed by even the most fervent passion. There are some state secrets on a piece of paper somewhere in the room. Only one of you will leave alive.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

They are not who you thought they were, and this will only be revealed once you have had sex with them. They might be evil but that will only make them sexier to you.

Friends

Your friends will know about everything and everyone you do, and will have wildly judgmental opinions about each of your partners. You will always be sexually attracted to Joey, even if it doesn’t make sense, but you will probably still sleep with Ross.