Peter Rogers's BlogArtist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Some time ago, I participated in something called "Sketchwar". Every Saturday, we'd pick a topic. Then we'd all write a sketch that had to do with that topic, and post it the following Friday. The next day, we'd have a new topic to work on, and so on.

I figured, now that I have time for such things, I'd start doing this again. This week, I set myself the topic of "useless skills". If anybody wants to join in the Sketchwar fray (Andrew Pish was participating for a while, but seems to have wussed outdisappeared), next week's topic is "women in peril".

FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
CODY (16) sits at a table in a nice suburban living room,
working on math homework.
UNCLE THOMAS (30s) enters, carrying a laptop computer.
CODY
Hey Uncle Thomas.
UNCLE THOMAS
Oh, hey Cody. If you see your mom,
tell her I returned her laptop.
He sets the laptop on an endtable, and starts to head back
out.
CODY
Uncle Thomas, have you ever used
trigonometry for anything ever?
UNCLE THOMAS
Huh. No, not really. But I went
into programming, so --
CODY
Gawd. This is totes useless.
UNCLE THOMAS
Well -- no. I mean, if you go on
to higher math, or physics, or --
CODY
I am so not doing that, Uncle
Thomas.
UNCLE THOMAS
I dunno. I liked math as a kid.
Some people just think trig is cool
in and of itself.
CODY
You liked trigonometry? Wha -- how
-- I hate it. Everyone I know
hates it.
UNCLE THOMAS
And it probably teaches you a
little about how to think, or how
to handle math in general --
CODY
No. And even if it did, why can't
I "learn how to think" while doing
something that isn't useless?
UNCLE THOMAS
Plus, it's not like it ever goes
out of date --
CODY
Why the hell are you taking
trigonometry's side?!
UNCLE THOMAS
Look.
Uncle Thomas takes a seat.
UNCLE THOMAS
You want to know what real
uselessness is? The GVX-5 Time
Tracking System.
CODY
I don't know what that is.
UNCLE THOMAS
Of course you don't. It's possibly
the worst piece of time-tracking
software ever made. Its interface
is non-intuitive, it's got a
hundred bugs you have to work
around, it has nothing in common
with any other software on the
planet --
CODY
Why are you talking about this?
UNCLE THOMAS
Because my company put me on a
project that uses that for its
bureaucratic stuff, so I've spent
the last week learning how it
works. And! And, they're phasing
out the GVX-5 next month, so not
only am I learning about a useless
piece of software, but I'm learning
about a useless piece of software
I'm never going to use again.
CODY
Okay, that kind of sucks.
UNCLE THOMAS
And! And also, there's, like, a
90% chance that the whole project
will be scrapped.
CODY
Hmm. So this is what being old is
like?
UNCLE THOMAS
(nodding)
All the time. You're just mad
because you expect school to be
useful.
CODY
Hmm.
UNCLE THOMAS
Knowing how to use the GVX-5 system
is the most useless thing in the
world.
CODY
Well, no --
UNCLE THOMAS
What?
CODY
I mean, you're getting paid,
right? Plus it's just you that's
putting up with it -- not, y'know,
everybody who's in my trig class.
So it can't be the most useless
skill in the world.
UNCLE THOMAS
(nodding)
The most useless skill would have
to be unpaid, and it would have to
involve a lot of people, and it
would have to be just
soul-deadening torpor.
Beat.
UNCLE THOMAS & CODY
Farmville.
CODY
Yup, that wins.
UNCLE THOMAS
Joyless, pointless time vampire.
Beat.
UNCLE THOMAS
Well, I feel better about my day
now.
CODY
But worse about life.
Uncle Thomas nods.
BLACKOUT.

Bleh. Never quite found a take on the topic that inspired me, so this'll have to do.