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Dear Graham

Our daughter, in her late 40s, has had a weight problem for the last 25 years. She married a lovely supportive man, also on the heavy side, 10 years ago after an unhappy earlier marriage; they both went to Weight Watchers about a year ago, and lost significant weight. But they stopped going after about three months, with our daughter saying it was difficult to fit in with work (they both have well-paid jobs in the NHS) and they’ve put it back on again – and then some. When we’re all together they eat significantly more than my husband and I, and take very little exercise.

I have tried to talk to her tactfully, stressing the health aspect (she has type 2 diabetes) but with no success. She says she doesn’t get stressed, but in her position of responsibility I would be surprised if that’s true; I think she doesn’t want to admit it. I don’t want to make her feel bad about herself, as she’s very intelligent, caring, capable and hardworking. But every time we see her it depresses us.

We have run out of ideas, so if you’ve got any I’d be so, so grateful.

Jan, Chichester

Dear Jan

This is not a teenager we are talking about. She is fast approaching 50, married for the second time and has shown she is capable of losing weight if she wants to. Both she and her husband are surrounded by health professionals and presumably all the information available about the health risks involved in carrying extra weight.

Your daughter is many things and one of them is fat. Until she decides she wants to change, you must learn to accept it

Of course, as a mother you are going to worry, but this doesn’t sound like a woman who cries herself to sleep. The fact is that, for the moment, your daughter has chosen to be the size she is. In the future when circumstances are different she may prioritise weight loss once more, but I feel that for the moment you must leave your daughter be. She has made choices that differ from the ones you have made and I’m afraid that until she asks for help you must accept it.

We all have strange relationships with food and our bodies, but the good news is that your daughter doesn’t appear to be unhappy. You list all her wonderful qualities that have led her to have a successful career and loving husband. If carrying extra weight is how she copes then you must trust her. If she and her husband don’t find being larger a problem then you must accept that in fact the problem is yours. While you are obviously concerned about her health, admit to yourself that there is an element of judgment involved here. Stop. Your daughter is many things and one of them is fat. Until she decides she wants to change, you must learn to accept it.