Thursday, May 1, 2008

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Would you buy a car called the Volkswagon Hoax? Would you dine at a bistro called Bilk? Or get your hair done at the Dupe Salon? Few would. And yet millions of people pay $30 a pair for the ugliest footwear ever to cradle a human heel-shoes whose very name is synonymous with “nonsense.”

Crocs. They’re a sham at the end of your shin. A prank below your ankles. A fraud perpetrated on the feet of fools.

There are few of us left on the planet who don’t own a pair of the holey, rubbery, sea slug-resembling slip-ons. (The duo behind IHateCrocs.com are among us.) As attractive as a gawky, pimply teenager at the apex of his awkwardness, Crocs have enjoyed inscrutable global popularity for years now. Jack Nicholson and Halle Barry wear the things. And little Violet Affleck. President Bush sported them recently-in public-with black socks and shorts. Sigh.

Starshine Roshell

Lore has it that waterproof, non-skid Crocs were invented as a boating shoe in Boulder, Colo., by three fishing buddies. More likely: The guys were stoned and zonked out on repeats of What Not to Wear when one nudged the others and said: “Dude, you know what would be freaking awesome? We invent the most heinous shoes imaginable and, like, convince people they’re amazing. Then see who buys ‘em. … ”

You really can’t underestimate Americans’ apathy for aesthetics, especially when comfort is a factor. By all accounts, Crocs are irresistibly cozy, which is why you should never, ever try them on. And which is why they look like something a doctor might prescribe for someone with special needs. Any shoe marketed as both “unisex” and “antimicrobial” has no business being worn outside of a restaurant kitchen or surgery ward.

I grant you that fashion is fickle and styles often grow on us after seeming odd at first. But some designs are just wrong wrong wrong from their first jaunt down the runway. Buttafuoco pants pounce to mind, as do other Emperor’s New Shoes like Birkenstocks, Tevas, and even, yes, Ugg boots. (Ugg, people! Would you have bought them if they were called Yuck? Or Eww?!)

I’m not buying the “they’re so ugly they’re cute” logic, either. It wasn’t true of the Olsen twins. It isn’t true of Chihuahas. And it doesn’t make you look any less ridiculous in your lime-colored Disney Beach Crocs-especially if you’re a man, in which case you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

With summer approaching, I fear frivolous-footed folk will once again be digging these eyeball-offending accessories from the back of their closets and clomping around Santa Barbara’s plazas, parks, and paseos in them. But there’s hope that Crocs may soon be going the way of the Pet Rock, the Clapper, the Flowbee, and other inventions that briefly convinced the nation we needed something that we really, really didn’t.

The company, which only two years ago boasted the largest footwear IPO in history, recently closed its Quebec factory due to a drop in sales. And no hail-mary Mary Jane or squishy flip-flop model is going to save the brand from this freaky phenomenon: Countless Crocs-wearers, mostly children, have had their feet caught and chewed up in escalators around the globe. Last week, citing dozens of injury complaints from its most fashion-inept citizens, Japan’s trade ministry called upon the manufacturer to come up with a safer design.

Comments

Lighten up, hon...they're just footwear. Nobody said you have to wear them, we live in a world where we are spoiled for choices, and you can make yours to wear whatever you want.

Isn't that GREAT??

So take a deeeeeep breath, Starshine....relax....and try hard not to look at me in my comfy Birkies or heaven forbid, my $7.00 Crocs knock-offs I got at Longs so I can wash my dogs without having to go barefoot outdoors as I do it.

And you might re-think your cruel remarks about teenagers at their awkward, pimply stage of life; you come off like one of those snotty, nasty cheerleader-type princesses who drive kids to hang themselves in closets.

Let me get this straight: shoes are there at the end of your legs to make a fashion statement... that is their sole purpose and if they don't look smashing (and cost a bundle) then they are failing at shoeness... Comfort, utility, all those things are red herrings that people throw out when they want to get you to wear things so they can laugh at you later.

I mean, I'm not saying they should be worn with black socks, mind you, but the shoes themselves are blameless there.

Man, Holly & Mooseo need some Satire Therapy. Now I know what Joel Stein of the LA Times means when he says he gets hate mail for making fun of everything.

I have to confess, I cringe when a good friend thinks a pair of day-glo Crocs qualifies as evening wear for dinner out on the town... but hey, at this age, I've learned to suck up secondhand embarrassment. I also have to confess that I'm more than tempted to buy a black pair of the non-holey Crocs -- they don't look half bad and might actually be as comfy as everyone says. You might catch me wearing them at Trader Joes, but don't worry, not at Opal or Seagrass.

Sorry, Starshine, but even if these go the way of the dodo, they're sure to be replaced in a couple years by the latest fugly incarnation of Birks or Tevas.

"As attractive as a gawky, pimply teenager at the apex of his awkwardness"

It must be nice to be blessed with the good looks that you have. Pulling four aces in the genetic lottery of life doesn't entitle one to make fun of those who don't measure up to society's superficial standards.

I hope your sons never have to go through what so many of us who had acne as teenagers had to go through, and if they should be afflicted with this, I hope you have a more compassionate attitude toward them than you do on those kids you make fun of in this article.

Kids today have enough issues to deal with and don't need to read this sort of callousness coming from someone who I would think should be more enlightened.

Good job kids, reliving your pre-teen snotty behavior of gathering in the locker room to pick on the less-beautiful and less fortunate.

If this is "insightful writing", I can just imagine what a thrill y'all must get from graffiti on public restroom walls!

No Binky...sweetheart...this is not "fun" and she isn't throwing her lot in with you or anyone else who suffered as a gawky kid...she's laughing at you.

And you too, Allegro; just because you hang out in places I've never heard of (well, except for Trader Joes, which is an overrated, overpriced grocery store) doesn't make you special or immune, either. Do you like being pointed at and made fun of?

Do you all really enjoy being zinged by the latter-day incarnation of a bratty cheerleader who thinks she is all that and a sack of chips? How about if your kid came home devastated because some other kid made "fun" of him or her?

Is that funny or entertaining?

Where do we draw the line and have the courage to say that racist jokes and "making fun" of shy kids with pimples are just not funny?

Or does mob mentality rule so completely that even when we aren't face to face, we haven't the integrity to stand up and say "that's cruel."?

I guess your parents just didn't raise you with any manners or compassion whatsoever. Too bad you are choosing to carry on living out your misspent childhoods unto adulthood.

I read her comment as a reference to that the universally shared period of gawkiness and self-consciousness -- physical, mental, and social -- only a handful of teens avoid.

And based on her consistently insightful writings, I'm guessing she had her moments as well."

Binky: First of all, speaking negatively of someone's physical appearance--which is something a person has no control over--is not "fun-making", at least for the person to whom the comment is directed.

As for your second paragraph, I read it as her sharing her opinion that those with acne are unattractive because that is what she said, straight, plain and simple, unless up is down and New York is on the west coast.

As for her having insightful writings, of course she has written insightful things, but that has no bearing on the issue at hand. Of course I have no idea what Starshine looked like as a young adolescent. If she "had her moments" as you say, then she should know better than to perpetuate the pain she experienced on others, so based on that I doubt if she did have "her moments". You can also define what "moments" are: One version of this can simply be not getting attention from someone you have a crush on, which if painful enough, and another can be being told your ugly and gross and being picked on and laughed at by other kids. (And in the case of this article, an adult)

I know the feeling of being made fun of for having acne, and excuse me for saying this...looking a little too ethnic. Thank God I came through it in part because I had people around who knew what I was going through and I'm fine now so no, I'm not complaining, but I'm thinking about kids nowadays who don't have the support systems that we who were kids in decades past had. Add to that all the crap bullies can spread on the Internet on My Space pages about other kids. In short, alienated kids do NOT need such cold-hearted, even you some would consider it "honest" commentary.

I want any kid who is reading this blog who doesn't measure up to society's superficial beauty standards to know that there are those of us out there that know what you are going through, we've been through it, and survived and become better people for it and that they should not allow themselves to be defined by the comments Starshine wrote in this column.

There is the old saying "the pen is mightier than the sword" and I hope Starshine recongnizes the power her words can have--good or bad.

With all of its efforts to promote itself as a publication that understands the plight of the oppressed segements of our society, I would think the editors of The Independent would frown on such lack of sensitivity.

I wonder if a male columnist writing for The Independent making the sort of comments about the physical appearance of teen aged girls that Starshine had made about teen aged boys would have gotten off the hook without any criticism from the bosses that run the paper. Kinda makes me wonder.

Ah, yes. Well, then she was probably referring to me. I also like to wear black socks with my shorts while I watch the Olsen twins on TV and cut my hair with a flowbee. If I wasn't so busy, I would probably be horribly, horribly offended.