A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?"The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time!" said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"

If you can't be a good example - then you will just have to be a horrible warning

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.

"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy often calls me."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's an arsehole!"

If you can't be a good example - then you will just have to be a horrible warning

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

Fifteen students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

Two fishermen were out in their boat one day when a hand appeared out of the water."What's that?" asked the first fisherman. "It looks like someone's drowning.""Nonsense," said the second. "It was just a little wave."

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly Hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large Plate glass window

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the

still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.

The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is.........

During a stag night the best man asks the groom if he,s ever tried Viagra to which the groom replies no.

The best man says that he takes them all the time and he,s got some cheap off the internet and as it's a stag night they might as well have one each in case they pull.

The groom is a bit doubtful especially as they are from the internet but eventually takes one for a laugh.

The result is that there is no reaction to the Viagra and the Groom ridicules the best man for having being parted with his hard earned for fake tablets so they call it a night and make their way back to the Hotel.

At the Hotel bar they meet two girls who are on the game but decide to give them a miss and go to their room.

Here they discover that the room has a double bed instead of the two singles they had booked but decide that as it is late they will share.

An hour later the Groom taps the best man on the shoulder to tell him that he thinks the tablets must have started working as he has got a raging h*rd on and it feels twice its normal size. The only problems is that no matter how much he pats, slaps or squeezes it he can,t feel anything and thinks he has got a reaction to the tablets causing his d*ck to go numb.

The best man sleepily tells him to go back to sleep as it will be OK in the morning but the groom is not happy with this and tells the best man he is going to see if the two girls are still downstairs so he can make sure everything still works and also it would be a shame to waste such a fine specimen.

kiwi (male antipidean type - not the animal) was washed up on a beachafter a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed upwith him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a

deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal

companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds

the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely

Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the

man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but

there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman

the man had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her

back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening

beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm

and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he

now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and

whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

living life in the fast lane until the motor wears out...............

Justice is a temporary thing that must at last come to an end; but the conscience is eternal and will never die.

An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks? "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and c*** by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

Q. Why did God Make Adam before Eve?A. He didn't want some Woman telling him how to make the perfect Man.

Early one morning in the Garden of Eden, God popped in to see Adam.

"Good morning Adam" said God, "You're looking happy with yourself this Morning"."Oh, I am, Me and Eve discovered Sex last Night" replied Adam." Really, Where is Eve now?" Asked God."She went down to the River to bathe" answered Adam.

"FFS" Shouted God "It took me F'ing years to get the F'ing smell out of Fish".

As I slide down the Bannister of Life.Rhodes3 and its ilk are just small insignificant Splinters in my Derri├¿re.

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.

They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets."

The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your b*lls are square."

"Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet."

The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my b*lls are not square!"

The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"

"Sure," says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his b*lls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his b*lls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's b*lls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.

The little old lady looks closely at his b*lls and then asks if she can feel them.

"Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?"

She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of America's president's b*lls in my hands!"