The grandparent trap

Grandparents are a boon to families, but what if they begin to overrule their kids' parenting decisions, in favour of the grandkids? Experts suggest a few ways to bridge the gap

| TNN | Updated: Sep 8, 2015, 15:30 IST

The Grandparent Trap (Getty Images)

Grandparents are a boon to families, but what if they begin to overrule their kids' parenting decisions, in favour of the grandkids? Experts suggest a few ways to bridge the gap Dheer Mistry might only be five, but he has no time to eat. The student has no time to head home for a meal post his GK classes as he has to rush to school. So his grandmother commutes from the family home in Andheri to his school in Juhu every day with a tiffin box. Once there, she quickly feeds him and sends him off to school with a peck on his cheek.

Dheer's mother is Deepali Mistry who, as a media entrepreneur, has her days, and at times nights, full. "For working parents like us, this is not just about convenience but it is also about peace of mind -you know that grandparents will take good care of the kids," says Mistry.

However, there is a flipside to the arrangement, she admits. Every time she reprimands Dheer for some mischief, he runs to his grandmother for support. "He thinks his grandma will rescue him but thankfully, my mother in-law does not interfere in situations that concern his behaviour and studies," she says. The family, she adds, believes in keeping the lines of communication open. "We know where to draw the line but there is always room for discrepancies when it comes to parenting styles," says Mistry.

Unfortunately, say experts, the Mistrys are more the exception than the norm. Mumbai-based educational activist and parenting guru Swati Popat Vats explains that although working parents are grateful for the help grandparents offer, a popular complaint among parents is that they also tend to interfere in their parenting and child rearing decisions. "About 65 per cent of the time, mothers tell me, `I have tried to do everything you told me but my mother-in-law continues to interfere and everything goes for a toss'", says Vats."So, I ask the mother to always remember that her mother-in-law brought up her husband and that she must have done a good job, for she chose him as her husband. And secondly, I ask her to bring her mother-in-law along for the next session so that I can help them both understand what they need to change.After all, they both have the same goal, which is the happiness of the child."

Seventy-year-old Pradnya Likhite has always been supportive of her son's and daughter-in-law's career choices -the former, an associate director at Protiviti and the latter a HR professional at Tata Consultancy Services Limited (TCS). But when they put in long hours at work or discipline their daughter, six-yearold Asmi, a bit too harshly, Likhite can't help but caution them."I tell them her growing up years are beautiful and that they won't get them back," says Likhite. Thanks to her parents' busy careers, Asmi spends her days with her grandparents and is particularly attached to her grandmother. "One must cherish these moments as before you know it, they'll grow up," adds Likhite.

Parenting styles have undergone a sea of change over the years.

Experts point out that while older generations turned to culture, family and societal norms to learn about parenting, today's parents depend on their friends, books and the inter net to make their own, unique set of parenting choices.

"Both are right and both are wrong," says Vats. "Right, because the parenting style of each generation is tied to societal change. Wrong, because grandparents never questioned family values or cultural norms while raising us. Instead, they just followed them. Today, we question and rely on research and science to help us decide as such information is available at our fingertips. But we are also wrong because we have lost touch with instinctive parenting. Instead of listening to your `nurturing voice' and doing what is best for your child, parents either choose whatever has worked best for other parents, or follow trends," she explains.

Chennai-based Nalina Ramalakshmi, founder of parenting site Parentcircle.com says that the generation gap between parents and grandparents is only likely to grow as the kids grow up. The secret to a healthy relationship is respect, she says. "Parents must respect grandparents' opinion and, in return, they must respect the parents' choices," says Ramalakshmi. She also believes that the ultimate responsibility of raising kids lies with the parents and that grandparents should be allowed to sit back and relax the time they spend with their grandkids without having to get preachy. "There has to be a clear understanding (between both parties) about what's right and wrong, what's allowed and not allowed. It is also important for both parties to be flexible," she adds.

SPARING THE ROD

Bengaluru-based Shwetha KP, continues to be grateful for the help her late mother-in-law extended, by taking care of her daughter Raksha till the age of six. "I was relieved that my baby was with someone who was as concerned as I was about her wellbeing. At the time, I was working as a HR professional and I had the freedom to work without stress and when I got home, she wasn't clingy. Since my mother-law was a teacher, Raksha learnt something new every day and was able to read aloud from a book when she was only three," says Shweta, who now runs her own jewellery business.

However, the arrangement came with its fair share of hiccups. For instance, Shweta and her mother-inlaw often disagreed about Raksha's eating habits. "She was constantly worried that Raksha wasn't eating enough while I was told by the doctor that she will eat when hungry. I finally had to ask her paediatrician to write a note saying that it's okay for the child to starve and skip a meal." The two also disagreed over disciplining techniques. "Both my husband and I reminded her that as parents, they too used a similar approach to discipline my husband," says Shweta. A common fear parents have is that overindulgent grandparents spoil the kids. "But they do not," says Vats. "They have learnt, the hard way, that being strict with your kids does not always work. At times, they feel guilty for spending the best years of their life disciplining their kids, sometimes too harshly. But parents are right too, as they try to bring in structure and rules while raising their children. It can be quite frustrating when grandparents support the kids while they are being disciplined," says Vats. In such circumstances, grandparents should refrain from interfering, she adds."If they disagree with the parents' parenting style, they should talk it out with the parents when the kids are not around. If you try to take decisions for the parents based on your parenting experience, it will only frustrate the parents and confuse the children," cautions Vats.

Ramalakshmi agrees. "Never rubbish each other's thoughts in front of the kids. Listen and communicate patiently. The elders' opinion is invaluable. And don't allow your child to play on your emotions and take advantage of the situation," she adds.

The tactic is one that Mistry is already familiar with. "When it comes to my mother, I can't reason with her. So I give in. She feeds him biscuits and chocolates despite being told not to. So now, Dheer runs to her when he begins to crave sweets. But sometimes, you just have to let go," says Mistry.

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