Wrestling Wrap Up: Royal Rumble Results!

Plus, the Road to WrestleMania begins, Brock Lesnar attacks Vince, Chris Jericho returns at the Rumble and Tazz is untouchable.

By Matt Fowler

Man, people are piiiiissssssed that The Rock beat Punk at the Rumble.

And by people, I mean the esteemed Internet Wrestling Community. Who barely count, on a DNA level, as people, but they still have arms and legs and fat fingers for typing. And I suppose I'm a member of this community, seeing as how I write about wrestling on the internet. But I'm light and fluffy. In place of actual commentary, I'll just write the word "penis." Or show you a picture of a cat. Or a cat's penis. In fact, I did that in place of my wedding vows. No, I'm talking about the dark, recesses of the internet. The boards. The place where fear and loathing germinates.

I guess my point is that you would have thought, based on some of the heated reactions, that Cena beat Punk at The Rumble, and not The Rock. The Rock who, up until his feud with Punk, was everyone's favorite. Someone tweeted me, "Do you think The Rock deserved to win?" And while I could write paragraph after paragraph analyzing the word "deserve" as it pertains to pro wrestling, I just responded with, "Did he deserve to beat Cena last year?" You know, in the Main Event of WrestleMania 28, when we all couldn't have been more stoked that he, the movie star with limited appearance dates, beat one of the hardest and busiest workers in the WWE?

Always the gentleman...

But before I get into Rock's win, and the match itself, let's all amuse ourselves by watching Fatty 'Merica get hoppin' mad. Yup, 400,000 people have tuned in to watch this genius figure out what no one else knows. That if you destroy Blu-rays that you paid good money for, it actually sucks the cash right out of the WWE's pockets and puts it back in your bank account.

(Warning: NSFW due to language and intensity of ire)

And here's the much needed, much appreciated sequel. Same warnings apply.

Can one of you guys be that girl's boyfriend? I feel bad for her. I'd do it, but I'm married, with an unhealthy fixation on Daffney. Seriously, someone send her one of those Edible Arrangements and ask her out for a midnight stroll.

All I'm saying is that whatever life choices you've made that have rendered you that emotionally ill-prepared for The Rock beating Punk need urgent and full examination.

Oh, and while I'm distracting myself with bells and whistles, big shouts outs to Mark and David who brought their GDYC signs to the Rumble and RAW, respectively. Look, in one of the pictures Cody Rhodes is totally farting on it! Oh, that Cody. Always pooting on signs and then blaming Rey.

So. The Rumble. Everything went according to plan. No change ups. Cena won the Rumble and Rock won the WWE Championship. This was the plan since last summer. Or even the plan since last 'Mania. Who The Rock was actually going to beat for the title was a mystery until this past summer and then the decision was made for it to be Punk, and to turn Punk heel. Then it was a matter of having Punk be the champ at the Rumble. So what could they do? Well, they could have had Punk lose the belt and then regain it. But they decided to give Punk - to bestow upon him - a huge accomplishment. They let him keep the title. Remember last summer when Punk attacked Rock at RAW 1000? And it looked like the two of them were on for the Rumble, which was still months away? Remember how we all wondered if the WWE would actually let Punk keep the belt that long? Because, yes, it was unheard of in the modern era.

Well, he kept it. And in doing so, he made the WWE belt and his title reign mean something earnestly important. So important that when it came time for Rock to beat Punk, which he was always going to do, and which everyone was fine with at last year's 'Mania, all of a sudden Rock was an actor who had no business being in the ring. And yes, many even said it was akin to David Arquette winning the WCW title. Which is flat out dickriculous. If you're comparing The Rock to Arquette, you need to shove an awl in your ear. Or something less violent and life threatening that lawyers would approve of.

Did I want Mr. Perfect to beat Bret Hart at SummerSlam '91? Eff yeah, I did. I was there. At MSG. Nosebleeds. The only one rooting for Perfect. Did I think he would beat him? Nah. The story that they were telling was that Bret was going to win and become IC Champ. Did I like Hans Gruber more than John McClane? Yippee-ki-yes! Did that mean I was pissed when Gruber fell from Nakatomi Plaza? Nope.

The best case scenario, for Punk fans (and yes, I am a big Punk fan), was that Punk retained at the Rumble and lost it to Rock at Elimination Chamber. But that was a big maybe. And one of the things that bit the WWE in the ass a bit, as far as fan reaction, is that they teased that model. Punk pinned Rock and won. So it looked, for a few moments, like that angle was going to play out. But then it got squashed within seconds and the match was restarted.

I understand if you didn't like the match, or it wasn't what you were expecting. It wasn't an epic Colossus vs. Juggernaut encounter where each guy kicked out of the other's finisher. In fact, Punk never landed a GTS and wound up getting pinned after a People's Elbow. Rock has beaten guys with the Elbow, even winning the WWE Championship from Triple H with it at one point, but I can see how people wouldn't have liked that. I don't think the match itself made Punk look weak since Rock, as usual, got his ass kicked for most of the fight. But yeah, if you thought the finish(es) were lame, then sure, gripe away.

More from Rock vs. Punk, plus Jericho's return at the Rumble, on page 2...