Sunday, August 30, 2009

Thank goodness! During the 1940s through 1960s, TV censors knew that North Americans couldn’t cope with seeing a grown woman’s omphalos. After all, the navel automatically reminds people of sub-navel activities that are best confined to the bedroom with the lights turned off.

So, we never found out if Mary Ann of Gilligan’s Island had an innie or an outie, and we dreamed of a Jeanie whose lint catcher was covered up by red and pink pantaloons. Alas, in 1969, Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In went after the belly laughs by exposing the belly button, and the genie was out of the bottle for good.

Fortunately, our bathing beauty from 1972 bucked the trend by crocheting up a swimsuit that kept her one-eyed Mabel decently out of sight. Unfortunately, by preventing lascivious navel gazing, she inadvertently drew attention to the fact that her breasts were more than a little wall-eyed.

So, if modesty’s your bag, you’re probably better off with a burqini, but I salute this crocheted forerunner of the tankini for challenging the bikini-dominated 1970s. The next time you’re on a beach, raise your glass to the navelkini!

Er, the bellykini?

Innieoroutiekini?

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

STRIPED SWIMSUIT/BEACH MAT

SIZES: Directions are for Small, Changes for Medium and Large are in parentheses.

Sure the photo’s sidebar had recommended using a “yarn that dries quickly”. But I think that choosing a yarn that will wick away all of your skin's moisture, leaving you a dried up husk floating along the surf, is going a tad overboard.

Tsk, tsk. If the pattern designer used the active instead of the passive voice, the pattern editor wouldn’t be forced to rely on bolding to keep our attention.

Next row: Sc in each sc and in ch-1 sp work sc, ch 1 sc (inc).

Jeez, they’ve lost count of the rows already?

Repeat last row until piece measures 5” along center, ending with 2 rows B (39 sts). Continue to inc. at center, and, at same time, inc at beg and end of row (to inc: work 2 sc in 1 sc) every row 10 times, ending with 4 rows B (69 sts).

Thank goodness for that bolding, because otherwise I would have blithely increased at the centre any old way I wanted to, and completely forgotten the beginning and end of row shaping.

Work across 26 sts. Ch 1, turn.

RIGHT FRONT-- Next row: Dec 1 st at beg of row (to dec: draw up loop in next 2 sts, yo and through 3 loops on hook) (hipline).

Next row: Inc 1 st at beg of row (leg). Repeat last 2 rows 0 (2-4) times more. Dec at hipline as before, and, at same time, inc at leg edge every row 10 times.

SHAPE SIDE: Continue hipline dec and at leg edge, dec every row until all sts are decreased.

LEFT FRONT Attach yarn in 26th st from leg edge and work same as Right Front reversing shaping.

Not that I know anyone who doesn’t bother reading all of a sentence before diving right in. *whistling*

BACK: With C, ch 12.

Row 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch to end (11 sc). Ch 1, turn.

Rows 2 and 3: Sc in each sc. Ch 1, turn.

Row 4: Begin Stripe Pat with 4 rows A and inc at beg and end of row every 2nd row 3 times, ending with 2 rows B.

Next row: Inc at beg and end of row and in center st as on front and repeat this row every 2nd row 5 (7-9) times more, then inc in center ch-1 only until piece measures approx. 10” along center and there are 81 (85-89) sts.

RIGHT BACK: Work across 40 (42-44) sts. Dec at hip every other row until there are 31 (35-39) sts. Work hip dec, and inc at leg edge every other row until hip measures same as front, ending with same stripe as on front before side shaping. Shape side same as front.

LEFT BACK: Work same as Right Back reversing shaping.

FRONT-CENTER PANEL: Attach yarn in first B st at right center panel and work as follows:

SHOULDER STRAPS: With A, beg to the right of the apex of the bra, work 1 sc in each of 4 sc and in each of 5 rows.

Beg stripe pat with 2 rows A and work Rows 3 and 2 of Center Front Panel until piece measures 15”, or 1 1/2” less than desired length.

BUTTONHOLE: Work to center ch 1, turn, work to outer edge. Attach another piece of yarn in center st and work 2 rows across unworked sts, fasten off. With yarn attached work 4 more rows across all sts.

Edging: Beg on top edge of left back strap, about 3/4” from edge, over round elastic, work 1 row sc along edge to 3/4” from end of right back strap.

But what part of the Stripe Pat am I supposed to do? Don’t force me to make decisions this close to the end!

Tighten elastic slightly, do not turn. Working over round elastic, from left to right work 1 sc in each sc. Tighten elastic slightly and fasten off.

Beg on lower edge of back strap work edging around entire bathing suit, and each leg, tightening elastic around hipline to desired fit.

Rather than using a measuring tape, I suggest putting on the suit to make sure you get the sizing right. No cheating by taking off the suit to complete the edging. Real women can crochet while standing on one leg.

Sew clasp to back of strap and sew buttons on back strap for shoulder strap.

After all your careful sizing, why would you want to crochet your shoulder straps to the bikini top? You never know when a hot lifeguard may walk by and you’ll need to quickly use the “Whoops my shoulder strap slipped out of its button, accidentally revealing my Phentex-roughened nipples”.

Handmade by Mother is not responsible if the above tactic leads to a citation or arrest for public indecency. This blog is based out of Ontario, Canada where breasts roam free.

MAT

Because why should the rest of your body escape the crystalline embrace of Phentex?

With A, ch 126. Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch to end (125 sc). Work in Stripe Pat until piece measures 64”. Fasten off.

9th round: Work as 5th round, working (Ch 1. 2 dc) between 2 dc sts from each corner shell to next corner shell.

Okay, that’s three bolded words in total. But it’s just a puny “between”. I don’t feel at all intimidated.

10th and 11th rounds: As 6th round.

12th round: 1 sc in each st and 3 sc in ch space of each corner shell to end of round. Ss in 1st st. Fasten off.

You know, if I did make an octagon in red, I could embroider a big white STOP in the center. And that’s way more subtle than bellowing, “Eyes up here!” at chest-ogling males.

Okay, it’s a bit more subtle.

NECK BAND: Make a chain 20 ins long (or desired length). 1 dc in 3rd ch from hook. 1 dc in each ch to end of ch. Fasten off. Sew ends to one straight edge of motif as illustrated.

SIDE PIECES: With right side of work facing, join B in back loop of 5th st before 3 sc of corner shell at side of motif. Ch 4. Continue as given for side piece of Square Motif design on page 4. Press lightly.

Of course, it’s not on “page 4”, it’s a couple of posts back. But I’ve thoughtfully linked it for you. Because I’m just that kind of nice.

After all, look at what happened to the Super Friends. They had a chore chart and a certain Amazon princess thought she was above menial labour. Next thing you know, Aquaman was leaving passive aggressive notes about everyone expecting him to wash the dishes, and then Bats started putting sticky labels on all his food. It pretty much went downhill from there, and Robin still won’t speak to the Wonder Twins.

The moral, of course, is to always take time out from crocheting and battling crime to clean up after your space monkey.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

“Sunshine keeps fallin’ on my head, la, la, la...” warbled Barbie as she skipped over Nefarious Neville’s prone body, and relived him of his large bag of bank loot.

“It’s raindrops,” he snapped. “Raindrops falling on your head!”

“I like sunshine better,” giggled Barbie. “See?” She shoved her chest into his face. “I made myself a big, round, sunshiny sun!”

Dying rapidly from the massive radioactive emissions from her acrylic breastplate (Patons Canadiana, enriched with uranium), Nefarious Neville managed with his final breath to gasp, “What drugs are you on, lady?”

Barbie was offended. “I don’t need drugs. I’m naturally trippy!”

Alas, Barbie had no idea that she was living in the golden age of Superheroineness. Come the eighties, every crook she battled would ask her why she was dressed up like Funshine Bear. Barbie now lives in South America, where she operates a nature preserve for abused Care Bears.

10th round: With C, ch 3. Miss 1st st. 1 dc in each st to end of round. Ss in top of ch 3. Fasten off. (152 sts in round).

NECK BAND: With B, ch 70 sts. 1 dc in 3rd ch from hook. 1 dc in next ch. * 2 dc in next ch. 1 dc in each of next 2 ch. Repeat from * to end of ch. Fasten off.

With right side of neck band facing, join B in 37th st.

Don’t you love counting stitches? Don’t you love having to go back and count them again, because your kids keep talking to you?

“Mom, what’s for dinner?” “Mom, I think dinner’s burning.” “Mom, the house is on fire!”

The demands for attention just never end.

Ch 14. 1 hdc in 2nd ch from hook. 1 dc in each of next 3 ch. 2 dc in each of next 5 ch. 1 dc in each ch to end of ch. Miss 3 sts on neck band. Ss in next st. Fasten off.

With right side facing, join B in 41st st from other end of neck band. Ch 18. 1 hdc in 2nd ch from hook. 1 dc in each of next 3 ch. (1 dc to 2 loops on hook in next ch. 1 dc to 3 loops on hook in next ch. Yoh and draw through all 3 loops) 5 times.

I do know that “yoh” means “yarn over hook”, as opposed to “Yo, what’s up, yo”, a greeting which makes you feel cool, but causes your children to cringe every time you use it.

However, if anyone has a clear idea how to interpret “1 dc to 2 loops on hook in next ch, etc...” I’d appreciate an explanation.

1 dc in each ch to end of ch. Miss next 3 sts on neck band. Ss in next st. Fasten off.

Sew neck piece to motif as illustrated.

RIGHT SIDE PIECE: With right side of motif facing, join B in back loop of 18th st from where end of neck piece joins motif.

Ch 3. 1 dc in back loop only of each of next 17. sts. Ch 3. Turn. (18 sts in row).

Jeez, now they’re even bolding the instruction to Turn! I’m not sensing any love here.

2nd row: Miss 1st 2 sts. 1 dc in each st to last 2 sts. Miss next st. 1 dc in top of turning ch. Ch 3. Turn. (16 sts in row).

Repeat 2nd row to 4 sts in row.

Next row: Miss 1st st. 1 dc in each of next 2 sts. 1 dc in top of turning ch.

Repeat last row until side piece measures desired length to middle of back. See note above, then fasten off.

You’ll find the contents of that note in part one of the Superheroine Series, here.

Keep in mind that because this breastplate has to be fitted, you’re not making this as a passive aggressive gift for your frenemy. You’re making it for yourself. You’re the one who’ll be wearing this misguided experiment in acrylic armour. In public.

LEFT SIDE PIECE: With right side of motif facing, join B in back loop o f36th st from other end of neck piece. Ch 3. 1 dc in back loop only of each of next 17 sts. Ch 3. Turn.

I'm pretty sure that bolding two instructions this close together is against the Geneva Conventions.

Continue as given for right side pieces. Press lightly. Sew button at end of neck band and end of left side piece. Use spaces between sts for buttonholes.

Or you could just leave the buttons off and turn it into a giant pot holder. A giant, sunshiney potholder with large ch spaces in each round so your fingers will slip through the holes and get burned.

But really, isn’t that a better option than being mistaken for a Care Bear groupie?

4th round: 3 sc in 1st space. 1 sc in each st. 2 sc in each space and 3 sc in each corner space to end of round. Ss in 1st st. Fasten off.

Using a blunt ended needle, thread a length of A over and under each dc of 2nd round 4 times, being sure that all 4 strands lie flat and are not twisted. Darn in ends on wrong side.

Make another motif the same, then make 2 motifs with A and thread 2nd round with B.

Sewing through back loops only, join motifs as illustrated.

Pay attention to those bolded black letters! If you sew through the front loop, it’ll look awful. People will point and laugh, and it won’t be because you’re walking around with a potholder plastered to your chest.

Join A in any st along edge. Ch 3. 1 dc in each st and 3 dc in each corner st around entire edge. Ss in top of ch 3. Fasten off.

NECK BAND: With B, ch 70 sts. 1 dc in 3rd ch from hook. 1 dc in next ch. * 2 dc in next ch. 1 dc in each of next 2 ch. Repeat from * to end of ch. Fasten off.

With right side of motif facing, join B in back loop of 3rd st before corner sts above motif made with A. Ch 4.

1st row: Working in back loops only of sts...

Because trust me, people will know if you strayed into the front loops. Even non-crocheters will sense a disturbance in the Force.

...1 tr in next st. 1 dc in next st. 1 hdc in next st. 1 sc in next st (centre st of corner). 1 hdc in next st. 1 dc in next st. 1 tr in each of next 2 sts. Ch 3. Turn. (9 sts in row).

With right side of work facing, join B at other side and work 2nd piece in same manner. Press lightly. Sew button at end of neck band and end of left side piece. Use spaces between sts for buttonholes.

Phew! *fans self* Thank goodness that’s over. I almost lost all sense of perspective.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

They called themselves the Super Chicks! Four nubile, young ladies determined to make the world a better place by donning hand-crocheted breastplates and fighting for Freedom, Justice, and reasonably priced acrylic yarns

“I don’t like ‘chick’,” said Linda, resplendent in red, white and blue stripes. “It’s too sexist. Why can’t we be Super Women?” Just a little longer, she thought, and then I’m leaving these airheads. I’ll be Lady Captain America, Defendress of the American Way!

“Chicks are cute and fluffy,” said Barbie in a sunshiny voice which perfectly matched her sunshiny breastplate. “I love chicks.”

“I don’t mind ‘chick’” said Debbie, shrugging. She yanked her yellow and blue square breastplate back down over her breasts. “That’s what my boyfriend calls me. I call him babe.”

“Chicks are too small to eat and they make messes everywhere,” said Phyllis, the oldest and most practical of the group. “No chicks!”

“But ‘women’ just sounds so cold,” protested Barbie. “Can’t we be something fluffy?”

“You mean like a fox in a hen house?” asked Linda, snidely.

Unfortunately, her sarcasm sailed right over their heads, and from then on the team was known as “The Super Foxes.”

Linda could feel her self-esteem shriveling up and dying with each passing day.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

STRIPED STYLE

MATERIALS: All styles are made with Patons Canadiana Knitting Worsted or Patons Carefree Canadiana Sayelle. Where 2 or 3 colours are used, one (2 oz) ball of main colour B and one ball each of contrasting colours A and C will leave sufficient yarn to use as contrasting colours in one other design as well.

While I appreciate the use of authentic Canadian spelling, and equally authentic easy-care premium Canadian Acrylic yarn, I’m puzzled by the decision to have the letter “B” stand in for the main colour. Wouldn’t it make more sense to have the main colour as “A”, and then the contrasting colours would be “B” and “C”? I don’t want to forget halfway through my project which one was the main colour!

For the solid colour style, you will need 2 balls and this will also leave sufficient for one contrasting colour in another style.

Before you begin, figure out the fewest balls of yarn necessary to complete all four projects. Remember, frugal knitters save polymers!

One No. 8 (4.00 mm) Milward aluminum crochet hook or whichever hook you require to produce the tension quoted for each style. 8 buttons for striped style. 2 buttons each for round and square styles. 1 button for hexagonal style.

You must use the exact yarns specified to be sure of satisfactory results.

But they won’t tell you which colour of Patons Canadiana to use. Because clearly colour has nothing whatsoever to do with obtaining satisfactory results. All that matters is that you use Patons’ yarn.

Note: No sizes are given for these designs as they can be made to fit any bust side by adjusting the length of the side pieces. Since it is difficult to judge the exact length required until both side pieces are completed, we recommend that when fastening off these pieces, a length of yarn be left attached in order to work a few more rows if necessary.

TENSION: 4 sts= 1 inch.

The bad news is that wearing an acrylic breastplate in the middle of summer is unlikely to result in a feeling of satisfaction, no matter what brand of yarn you use.

Join A and continue working 2 rows in each colour decreasing 1 st at end of each row to 5 sts in row, thus ending with 2nd row of B. Do not fasten off.

Next row: Ch 2. Miss 1st st. 1 hdc in each st to end of row. Turn.

Repeat last row until strap measures desired length to middle of back. See note on page 2...

Or just scroll up this page.

...then fasten off.

Judge Judy is likely to point at the photo above and yell at you, “What did you expect? That you could make a silk purse out of sow’s ear? Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining. Beauty fades, but dumb is forever!”

With right side of work facing, join B in 1st st of foundation ch. Ch 2. Miss 1st ch. 1 hdc in each of next 4 ch. Turn.

Continue as given for 1st strap to last row.

Last row: Ch 2. Miss 1st st. 1 hdc in next st. Ch 1. Miss 1st st for buttonhole. 1 hdc in each of last 2 sts. Fasten off.

With right side of work facing, join B in end of 1st row of 1st A stripe and work 1 row sc along edge to last stripe. Fasten off. Work 1 row sc along other edge.

Besides, do you really want millions of TV viewers to see you wearing a less than satisfactory, crocheted breastplate?

NECK BAND: With B, ch 70 sts. 1 dc in 3rd ch from hook. 1 dc in next ch. * 2 dc in next ch. 1 dc in each of next 2 ch. Repeat from * to end of ch. Fasten off.

With right side of work facing and using 2 strands of yarn, join B in back loop of st at top of centre stripe. Ch 3. Fasten off. Sew top of ch to back loop of centre st on neck band. Miss 1 st and join B in next st. Ch 5. Fasten off. Sew top of ch to corresponding st on neck band. Missing 1 st between each chain, work 2 more chains (one 7 ch long and one 9 ch long) and sew those to neck band in same manner.

Work 3 chains of corresponding lengths on other side of centre stripe and sew to neck band (7 chains in all).

Okay, we’ve got the chains. Now where are the whips?

Press lightly, blocking to shape. Sew button to correspond to buttonhole on side strap. Sew button at end of neck band and use space between sts for buttonhole. Sew 6 buttons evenly spaced along centre stripe as illustrated.

These purely decorative buttons have no purpose other than to create the illusion that you could flash your breasts at will. In fact, between these naughty buttons and the multiple chains at the neck, this crochet pattern is kinda kinky.

Therefore, when crocheting up a superheroine breastplate, it’s important to remember that seventies summer fun could easily be mistaken for all season fetish wear. And whatever you do, don’t wear it to your court date.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

But you’re nowhere near done. Sure, your kitchen counters are all grapey now, but what about the rest of your house? Where are the grapes in your living room, your bathroom, your conservatory, your library with Professor Plum and the candlesticks?

Well, now you can have grapes in every room of your house! Or at least every room that happens to have shades. Or fans. Or lamps. Or anything else that needs a good, hard pull.

Heck, you can even hang them off your children! Just don’t use them in public.

And your guests will be so insulted that you didn’t think they were worth genuine bone rings, that they won’t even notice how tightly you twisted your strands. They will turn right around and march out the front door.

They will!

LEAF (Make 2) . . . With Hunter’s Green and No. 7 hook, ch 15, 2 sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across. Break off. Sew a leaf to each side of cord.

And that’s it! Except for the twenty more of these gull-winged, seedless grape pulls you’ll need to make in order to create a unified theme for your home. Because if you choose to make different shade pulls for each room the gay gadget mafia will shun you.

But fear not, interior decorating anarchists! I will provide patterns for the other shade pulls eventually. Because everyone needs more kitschy crap... I mean, gay gadgets in their life.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Every savvy, 1950s housewife knew that asbestos mats and hot pads were passé. Besides, between her beer guzzling hubby and hopped up on pop offspring, she was hip deep in bottle caps that were just begging to be magically transformed into kitchen kitsch.

You too can experience bottle cap magic, as it’s likely that modern day beer bottle screw-caps will work equally well for these patterns.

However, if tacky, purple grape-shaped hot pads are all you produce when you allow your imagination to run riot, you seriously need to get out more.

Despite what Bad FanFic had lead me to believe, completely random overuse of the ". . . " isn’t a modern phenomenon after all.

1st row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, 3 sc in last ch; working along opposite side of starting chain make sc in each ch across to within last 2 ch. Ch 1, turn. Hereafter pick up back loop on each sc.

2nd row: Sc in each sc to center sc of 3 sc group, 3 sc in center sc, sc in each remaining sc to within last 2 sc. Ch 1, turn.

Sew together as before. Attach Hunter’s Green between leaves and ch. 20.

Sl st in same place where thread was attached, then sc closely around chain. Join and break off.

Now gaze with pride at your grape-like housewares. But don’t get them wet, or they’ll leave rust stains. Beware of inadvertently scratching your counter tops with them too. In fact, you probably shouldn’t use them at all. Just gaze at them with pride.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Naturally, you can tell those are DMC yarns and threads. In 1975, DMC was the only corporation who raised free range yarns and embroidery floss. In those dark days, all other yarn producers used feed lots and hormone shots, as revealed by the gut-wrenching TV ads produced by P.E.T.Y. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Yarn).

Of course, there’s always the risk of the yarns being damaged in stampedes like the one you see above. But isn’t it worth getting a bit of wool in your cotton, or cotton in your wool, to know that your yarns led happy lives cavorting in the ivy before being forcibly stitched into a life of slavery as your knit sweater or embroidered smock.

That’s right, polyester suits were popular in the seventies because of the Yarn Rights Movement. I read it in Wikipedia.

For even more snark:

Maybe I’ve watched too many Discovery Channel shows, but that’s beginning to look less like a stampede and more like an unconstrained, mating season orgy.

Dear God, that means bulky yarns and embroidery floss are making it with each other! 3 ply and 1 ply are intertwined in sweaty, frenzied lasciviousness! I don’t care if the result is “a panorama of over 1800 brilliant colors.” This uninhibited blending of cottons and wools is a slippery slope that will lead to cats and dogs living together and complete chaos.

With m.c. and No. 2 needles cast on 72 sts and work in ribbing K 1, P 1 for 1/2 inch. Next row for beading: * K 1, P 1, yarn over, P 2 tog. Repeat from * across row. Work K 1, P 1 until ribbing measures 2 inch., increasing 4 sts at even intervals across last row of ribbing. Change to No. 3 needles and stocking st. Follow chart No. 246 and K the fish design, but at the same time incr. 1 st. at each end of needle every 4th row until 82 sts. are on needle. Work even until piece measures 6 1/2 inch. Decr. 1 st. at the beg. and end of every row until 42 sts. are left.

My 11 year old boy just walked up behind me and looked at the chart. “Bugs?” he asked, sounding hopeful.

“They’re supposed to be fishes,” I said.

“They look like bugs. Like bugs on his pants!”

You know... they do kinda look like earwigs. Not sure what message that would send in Sicily.

Continue in this manner, decr. 1 st. at each end of every row and incr. 2 sts. for crotch every other row, having 2 more sts. between increases until all leg sts. are decreased, and only 21 crotch sts. are left. Put sts. on a holder.

Of course, if you knit the fishes in green, you could say they’re tadpoles. Although, you’ll be sleeping with the tadpoles lacks a certain menacing quality.

FRONT:

Work front the same way as back.

FINISHING:

Weave crotch sts. tog. Right side facing you pick up with No. 2 needles 76 sts. and K 1, P 1 for 6 rows. Bind off loosely. K as K and P as P. Work the same way around other leg. Sew up side seams. Crochet a chain using 3 strands of each color and pull through beading. Steam lightly.

Fishes, fishes all around! Except on the sides, where there’ll be wide swaths of plain fabric. In fact, the fishes are oddly clustered together in one central spot...

Should anyone consider inflicting this pattern on a child, I would suggest spacing the fishes a little more evenly.

It’s Cool. I’ll bet an English Lit Major interning at the marketing department was very proud of that word choice.

“Check it out,” he told everyone. “It’s both cool and cool. Get it?”

“I hate him,” thought the photographer. But he kept his cool by photographing a hot chick suggestively straddling a pier. “One day,” he promised himself, “I’ll work for Playboy.”

The editor added wonderfully in front of wearable and washable. “Wonderful works for Disney so it’s got to work for us!”

The head of marketing insisted on adding the line, “She’s in Leaflet No. 2412.” “Sex sells,” he intoned, chomping on his cigar.

When the intern saw the final ad, he felt a piece of his soul shrivel up and die.

For even more snark:">

While Sirdar is still spinning yarn in the UK, Continental Yarns has long since disappeared. The last anyone heard of them was in 1981 when one of their abandoned manufacturing plants was taken over by Harper Wyman, maker of electric ranges and gas grills renowned for their dainty nubbiness.

By the way, Harper Wyman is also still around, though they are now manufacturing fabricated metal parts that are wonderfully washable, but probably not wonderfully wearable.

I couldn’t track down the unnamed model, but I assume she’s now running her own phone sex business. That’s right, Granny is sexy, and she’s waiting for your call!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Basket Towel Set Pattern from Quick Tricks in Crochet, Book No. 13, 1950

Yesterday, you had time off to get in a few rounds of goofy golf, but now it’s time to get back to the serious business of making mercerized cotton flower baskets for your towels. After all, it just wouldn’t do if you only had one large towel that was capable of drying your children, stockpiling bath supplies, and displaying your dazzling crochet skills.

Furthermore, towels always traveled in complete sets in the 1950s and for a very good reason...

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Medium Basket – Front . . . Work as for Large Basket until 20 rows are completed. Ch 5, turn at end of 20th row.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Basket Towel Set Pattern from Quick Tricks in Crochet, Book No. 13, 1950

“In my day,” the old, raggedy pink towel grumbled, “we didn’t laze around waiting until some human wanted to rub us against his wet, naked body!”

A giggle was heard from the brand new towel set. “Yeah right, grandpa,” the facecloth jeered.

“Listen here, you snot-nosed brat, this crocheted basket I’m sporting wasn’t just for show! During the Korean War, I carried extra facecloths to help fight the dirty Reds on the Home Front! The hand towels, well I don’t rightly remember what their baskets were for, but the facecloths kept the soap nice and handy so Mother could wash out Little Brother’s mouth whenever he cussed!”

Just keep in mind that Milward’s Ship Brand has long since sailed, probably due to their non-standard hook sizes.

A pink bath towel, hand towel and wash cloth.

No alternate colour choices offered here. Insisting on pink towels was probably to ensure that your tough, WWII veteran husband wouldn’t be tempted to use them, thereby preserving your lovely stack of decorative towels. But don’t forget to dust them at least once a week.

Sew back of basket and handle to bath towel. Sew front of basket in place, leaving top open to form pocket. Sew flowers to basket and towel.

Dampen towel with water, and have a nice lay down with a cool cloth on your forehead. Ignore fact that this is a pattern for a towel set and there are two more baskets to crochet and sew onto pink terry cloth.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

As my childhood memories fade to black, I wonder how people survived the sweltering summers of the 1970s wearing their beloved polyester. After all, this fabric has a breathability rating somewhere between unbearably stuffy and utterly suffocating.

But thanks to the recent discovery of this pattern, fashion archeologists have uncovered the secret of surviving polyester summer wear – air vents! Lots and lots of air vents.

Sure, this magazine called them “pinwheels” in a doomed effort to make them sound stylish. But the photo above reveals that no one would sew crocheted crop circles onto their clothing unless it was an absolute necessity. Those crocheted exhaust vents are there to prevent that tacky polyester skirt from becoming a tacky cesspool of stinky sweatiness!

Ultimately, the popularity of this unattractive advance in crochet engineering was short-lived. In 1977, a troublemaker by the name of Mr. G. Lucas revealed that unshielded exhaust vents were highly vulnerable to proton torpedo attacks. And polyester was once again a smelly, sticky summer fashion don’t.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Directions for Crochet Inserts

Alas, only the crocheted portion of this outfit was provided. The photo caption states that the blouse and skirt was made with Vogue pattern 1084 using Springmaid fabric. However, I suspect that you can easily substitute any pattern favoured by fundamentalist Mormon compounds, as long as you select a polyester print that makes even the colourblind weep.

Small Insert measures 5 ¼” in diameter. Large Insert measures 8” in diameter.

Errata: A sharp-eyed (and immensely tactful) reader has pointed out to me that Springmaid fabric was almost certainly 100% cotton. I could argue that in 1971 they brought in ultrasuede, but this dress is clearly not made of that.

For one brief shining moment, I thought the seventies made sense. But sadly, as it turns out, there's NO reason on earth why anyone would need air vents in this dress. And the mystery of how they survived polyester in the seventies remains unsolved. (I suspect copious quantities of illicit substances probably helped.)Read more!

Come to think of it... we can’t see all of her right hand, can we? What could she be hiding behind her back?

Bathing Beauty Barbie, look behind you!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

emerald bathing suit: just three straight pieces – two are sewn together for pants, one is shaped with chain cord for a halter top. Simple to make in single crochet.

I can’t blame Camera Girl Barbie for feeling just a titch homicidal. After all, it’s a hot summer day, and she’s wearing a bulky knitted shift, which wasn’t “easy” to make. Meanwhile Bathing Beauty Barbie is lounging around in a skimpy crocheted bikini.

Rows 2-6: Sc in each sc across. At end of row 6, sc in end st of 3 rows down edge of bra, ch 30 for tie. End off. Attach yarn at center of other end, ch 30. End off.

For halter tie, ch 70. End off. Tie center of chain around center of bra.

Fortunately for Bathing Beauty Barbie, it turns out that her plastic skin is impervious to silver painted cardboard knives. Deciding to put the scorching heat to good use, Camera Girl Barbie heads off in search for a giant magnifying glass.

A Barbie Girl always knows how to make lemons out of lemonade.

sleeveless coat tops bathing suit for beach ensemble. Coat, made in one straight piece, is sewn at top for shoulders. Double crochet; edging in single crochet.

SCARF: Hem one long edge of cotton strip for front of scarf. With contrasting thread, zigzag-stitch across one end for 3/4’’, then stitch to center of long raw edge, gradually widening to a depth of 2 1/2’’: finish other half the same. Trim scarf close to zigzag stitching.

Handmade by Mother would like to apologize to any Catholic readers who may be offended. All efforts were made to vet this image in advance. Transcript follows.

What madness is this?

This blog is the result of a near OCD compulsion to transcribe - and mock! - vintage patterns, ads, and other odds and sods. And you, dear reader, are the fortunate beneficiary.

Every month you will discover new patterns from the past century. These are the vintage gems that generations of women have inflicted upon husbands, children and themselves.

You are cordially invited to recreate these products of subconscious hostility and not-so-passive aggression. Send photos of the results to victoriadunnwrites (at) hotmail (dot) com, and I will be delighted to mock them for you.