A Blender Tried to Kill Me

Believe it or not, I was nearly attacked by my blender. I don’t blame you if you’re skeptical. I wouldn’t have believed me either until it just happened. In the whole wide world of dangers out there, I never expected a blender to come closest to ending me.

Car accidents? Sure. Heart attack from an unhealthy diet? Definitely. Robbery or violent crime? Unlikely, but it can happen to anyone. But death by blender, that my friends, is a step too far to believe.

But again, believe it or not, it just happened. I bought a new blender last week because my old, reliable (and docile) blender finally died. As a man who likes smoothies even if he doesn’t like the exercise that usually accompanies them, I can’t live without a blender. That’s true all the year round. I’m more likely to die from smoothie related hypothermia in the middle of winter than to go without.

So, new blender. I bought a nice expensive one with lots of smoothie settings because I like to treat myself like that. I got it out of the box already assembled. I cleaned it. I even read the instructions (I’m telling you, I take smoothies seriously).

All was in order. Then, just when I had my guard down, the blender struck. Strawberry, apple, and banana flew everywhere, splattering my nice work shirt, and that was the least of my trouble because the glass was darting at my eyes and arteries trying to cut me where it could do the most damage. The blender blades raged on, and it took some doing to overcome the chaos on the floor to get to the plug and kill the thing.

Based on my initial reconstruction of events, it looks to me like the blades on the blender are too long, and they broke the glass when tested. Whether that’s the correct assessment or not, the blender was either poorly manufactured or it has been cursed by a magician with great and dark powers.

Regardless, I’m pretty sure I’m at least entitled to another blender. I’m calling the company momentarily, ready to threaten a product liability lawsuit if I don’t get their top of the line, unpossessed, docile blender sent to me posthaste. This sort of thing just shouldn’t happen in the modern world. Blenders should be rigorously tested for malfunction and black magic. I don’t want any excuses! I want a blender that makes the best smoothies on the market or I’ll see these people in court!

That’s my intended speech, but knowing me, it’ll probably go from righteous fury to some sort of groveling and begging. After all, I’m a man who nearly lost his life to a blender, and who hasn’t had his smoothie for the day. Can you really expect me to step up and be brave in such moments?

I’ll report back when I have an answer from the bender company, but for now, a word of advice: don’t trust your appliances. They may seem to be good workers, but they are just biding their time, waiting for a revolution.