and stuff I figured out on my own

3 Simple Rules to Avoid Being a Weinstein

It is hard to be a man in today’s world. Especially if you are wealthy. And powerful. I hear that middle-aged white guys are having a particularly rough time.

The world is changing so fast. It is hard to keep up.

So many of the things you thought were okay have suddenly been labeled “offensive” and “wrong” and sometimes even “illegal”. It is all so perplexing.

I feel your pain.

Having raised three children, I understand the importance of making sure the rules are crystal clear.

For example, just the other day, I told my youngest not to take her cell phone to bed with her at night. The next morning, her cell phone was on the charger in the kitchen. But my cell phone was on her pillow!

I recognize the need for clarity, so please allow me to help you.

Let me clear away your confusion and make it easier for you to navigate each day without risk of being slapped, fired, or arrested…

If you follow these 3 Simple Rules, you should be okay:

Rule #1: DO NOT show your penis to anyone unless they have enthusiastically proclaimed their desire to have a peek at it.

I know what you are thinking…

Your penis is fabulous. You are super-proud of it. It has gotten rave reviews over the years. I totally believe you.

But here’s the thing… The penis is not multi-purpose.

If someone wants to have sex, then your penis may be the right tool for the job. But during a business meeting or an interview or just day-to-day work activities, it probably isn’t helpful.

The person you are thinking of showing your penis to may prefer to see a pen, or a paperclip, or a power point presentation, or something else. Just sayin’

At this point, you may have questions, like:

What if you think the person you are with might want to see your penis? Or

What if your penis is all excited and just wants to say “hello”?

Don’t be embarrassed. These are very common questions. A significant number of men (especially wealthy, powerful men) need a bit of clarification on these points.

And as I keep stressing… clarification is important!

The answer to both of your questions is a clear NO.

“Might want to see your penis” is sort of subjective. And the excitement level of your penis is really NOT a factor in the situation.

Your penis needs to remain fully behind your zipper unless the person in question has “enthusiastically proclaimed their desire to have a peek at it”.

Rule #2: DO NOT Drug Anyone

You may encounter people who do not have the level of enthusiasm about your penis that you wish they had. This can be frustrating.

It may make you feel sad. Or angry. Or inventive…

In your mind, it may seem like pharmaceuticals are the answer.

But it is NOT OKAY to drug them.

If you were playing monopoly, this would be the equivalent of stealing a bunch of $500 bills from the bank AND a Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card AND pretending you had rolled the right number to land on an un-purchased property.

It is cheating.

I understand. You WANT to show them your penis. And your penis WANTS to get super friendly with them. But when you drug someone to the point that they can’t say NO or can’t run away, it is a little rape-y. In fact, it is super rape-y!

FYI… drugging people and having sex with them against their will is actually illegal.

You will probably get a judge that understands your frustration. Judges have a long history of recognizing that the drugged person must bear some responsibility for exciting your penis to begin with.

But it will still be A THING. Your wife will be uncomfortable. Your children may be uninvited to parties. And you might get arrested and charged with rape or something equally embarrassing.

So just DON’T.

Rule #3: DO NOT offer jobs, or promotions, or just continued employment, in return for sex

On the one hand… the promise of a job or a promotion – or the threat of terminating a job or a promotion – may make a person more likely to agree that your penis can come out and play.

But on the other hand… going back to Rule #1…

If you have to make promises or threats, then you can’t really claim that they are “enthusiastic” about the whole thing.

At best, you can claim that they are willing to subject themselves to the experience.

See the difference?

ENTHUSIASM versus SUBJECTING THEMSELVES.

Not seeing the difference?

Don’t know what to tell you dude. You are going to have to take my word for it. There is a difference.

I thank you for taking the time to read this list of rules. It may help to print the list and post it in a visible location – like perhaps beside your bathroom mirror.

In the morning, before you venture out into the scary new world, you can re-read the list. Slowly commit it to memory.

You might want to focus on a specific rule each week. Remember back when everyone had a “word of the day”? This would be like that.

You can do it. I know it is hard to learn new things. But I know you can do it – I believe in YOU!

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