If I could turn back time

Twenty years ago (and 3 months), on May 31, 1985, Dana Marie Vittum walked across a stage, shook hands with a plethora of teachers and walked off to greet her future.

Dana had plans for her life. She was going to set the world on fire. She was going to write gripping novels, travel to exotic places and meet strange and interesting people.

I have been feeling sad lately when I look at this smiling girl because I lost her. Somewhere in the last twenty years, she disappeared. Where did it happen? When? Was it travelling the hills and valleys of manic depression? Was it during what I call “The Needy Years” when I would be with someone just because I didn’t want to be alone? I don’t know.

I have been thinking a lot about my weight. In 1985, I weighed 180 pounds. But I looked good. I had a classic hourglass figure, curvy in all the right places. I do not weigh 180 anymore. I would do anything to get back to that weight. The problem is, of course, that losing weight is never as easy as gaining it. This wasn’t something that happened overnight. Although 40 pounds was gained in the two months after my high school boyfriend moved out of state. Usually it was something that would sneak up on me, I would notice that my pants were a little bit tighter and have to buy the next size.

The depression I suffer from has not helped. Even though I have finally learned to only eat when I am hungry, instead of when I am bored or depressed or sad or tired, it is difficult to relearn how to eat. I know what I need to do. I have to cut portions and exercise more. I do know it’s not going to be easy but it’s something that has be done.

I am tired of being tired all the time. I am tired of being out of breath walking up a flight of stairs. I am tired of looking in the mirror and wondering where I went.

So. Here’s the plan, folks. In the next day or two, I’m going to (yikes) measure myself. I’m going to keep track of the measurements weekly (joy). Please help me out by randomly yelling at me to put down that candy bar (actually, don’t eat a lot of candy. Can even live without it). Oh, wait, the only one of you that lives near me is Beth. Darn. But seriously, I could use the encouragement. I sometimes want to go back in time and yell at my 18 year old self. And warn her about what a jackass Mark turned out to be. And Ray, my (snort) fiance. And tell her to stop being so damn proud and go to a shrink and get on antidepressants for the love of GOD.

And it’s funny, I’ve been thinking about it and I realize that I’m still here. I may not write gripping novels but I’ve had over 6,000 hits on my blog since I started it. I have several loyal readers and have met some strange and interesting people because of it. I have gone to exotic places – last year I went to Las Vegas. This year I went to Portugal. Beth and I have decided that next year, in either March or April, we will go to Washington DC. In 2007, we are going to Italy.

The only thing I haven’t done is set the world on fire. But you know what, what good Queen would want a charred and burnt world in her Universe? Not this one.

And, of course, the post title comes from Cher.

If I could turn back time – Cher

If I could turn back timeIf I could find a way I’d take back those words that hurt you and you’d stay

I don’t know why I did the things I did I don’t know why I said the things I saidPride’s like a knife it can cut deep insideWords are like weapons they wound sometimes.

I didn’t really mean to hurt you I didn’t wanna see you go I know I made you cry, but baby

[Chorus:]If I could turn back timeIf I could find a wayI’d take back those words that hurt youAnd you’d stayIf I could reach the starsI’d give them all to youThen you’d love me, love meLike you used to do

If I could turn back time

My world was shattered I was torn apartLike someone took a knife and drove it deep in my heartYou walked out that door I swore that I didn’t careBut I lost everything darling then and there

Too strong to tell you I was sorryToo proud to tell you I was wrongI know that I was blind, and ooh…

[Chorus]

Ooohh

If I could turn back timeIf I could turn back timeIf I could turn back timeooh baby

I didn’t really mean to hurt youI didn’t want to see you goI know I made you cryOoohh

[Chorus #2]If I could turn back timeIf I could find a wayI’d take back those words that hurt youIf I could reach the starsI’d give them all to youThen you’d love me, love meLike you used to do

If I could turn back time (turn back time)If I could find a way (find a way)Then baby, maybe, maybeYou’d stay