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Lovecraft Letters 6: A Wave of Murderous Sex

“I am deadly with crutches. Them fuckers are lethal in my hands. I like, and want, you. Will you text me? –X.”

HELLO LADYFACE. IT IS IMPORTANT TO ME THAT YOU KNOW THAT I AM A MURDEROUS DYNAMO OF SEXUAL LETHALITY. MY THUNDERSEXINGS ARE ILLEGAL IN MANY COUNTRIES DUE TO STATUTES BANNING THE USE OF WELDING TOOLS TO REPAIR INJURIES. I AM ABLE TO RENDER OBJECTS LETHAL BY CONVEYING MY DESIRES AT THEM THROUGH MICROWAVE BEAMS. ALSO, I AM ABLE TO RENDER ORGANISMS COOKED AND SOMETIMES EXPLODED BY CONVEYING MY DESIRES AT THEM THROUGH MICROWAVE BEAMS. THE INTENSITY OF MY SEXMURDER CAN BE MEASURED ON THE RICHTER SCALE AND ON THE REALLY LONG RULERS THAT ASTRONOMERS USE TO MEASURE SPACE.

MY IMPLEMENT OF CHOICEST DESIRE IS THE CRUTCH. IT IS BUILT FOR RESTORING MOBILITY TO THE INJURED, WHICH IS HANDY FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE WITHIN A 30-BLOCK RADIUS WHEN I ACTIVATE MY SEX DRILL. HAVING CRUTCHES ALREADY NEARBY IS A GOOD IDEA IN CASE THE COLLAPSING STAR THAT IS MY SEX BLENDER SNAGS ON A LOOSE THREAD AND CAUSES A SMALL TOWN 30 MILES AWAY TO BURST INTO NUCLEAR FIRE. YOU WILL THANK ME FOR BEING SO THOUGHTFUL AS TO HAVE CRUTCHES AROUND, AND NOT JUST BECAUSE OF HOW MINE HAVE 37 VIBRATE SETTINGS AND A VELVETY SILICONE COATING. MY AIDED WALK THROUGH THE MEADOWS OF SEXUAL DEVASTATION IS MADE COMFORTABLE BY SUCH LUXURIANT CRUTCHES.

I TURN MY DESIRES TO YOU, O ENCHAINER OF MY SEX FLYWHEEL. I LIKE THE WAY YOUR OKCUPID ACCOUNT TICKLES MY TEXTBRAIN. IT MAKES MY SEX CRUTCHES TWITCH WITH ANIMATE DESIRE AND SLOWLY HOME IN ON YOUR LOCATION WITH THEIR SEX POSITIONING SYSTEM, WHICH THEY HAVE. I WANT YOU TO EXPERIENCE THE APOCALYPTIC ECSTASY OF MY SEX TURBINE, WIELDED THROUGH SEX CRUTCHES TO A FEVER PITCH OF MOLECULAR DISSOLUTION. MY LAST CRUTCH ADVENTURE STRUCK OIL AND CAUSED A SEX FIRE THAT DESTROYED THE SVALBARD ARCHIPELAGO. WOULD YOU DARE RESIST SUCH SPLENDOR? COULD YOU POSSIBLY TURN DOWN THE EXPERIENCE OF SUCH A FINELY TIGHTENED SEX SPIGOT?

WILL YOU TEXT ME YOUR COORDINATES SO THAT MY SEX HELICOPTER CAN SPEED YOU TO ME? MY SEX CRUTCHES WILL NOT WAIT. THEY DESIRE THE IMMACULATE DUST OF CRATERSEXING AND I WISH YOU TO HELP ME FULFILL THEIR DREAMS. NO MATTER WHAT THE EMBASSY OF NORWAY SAYS.