I don’t mind vegetarians, vegans, and the rest of their ilk. In fact, I admire them and am envious of their ability to eat and enjoy vegetables and fruits to the exclusion of other foods. Some of my closest friends are vegetarians.

But when militant vegans attempt to disturb my own meal with their nutrition-turned-religion, then I become annoyed. I may annoy many people, and I may be callous and inconsiderate when doing so, but I don’t ever make it a point of ruining someone’s dinner with talk of slaughtered cows, rotting meat and families of chickens torn apart, killed and fried for my benefit.

It is my sincere hope is that one day, we will discover that plants are sentient beings, capable of the same thought, communication and feeling as human beings, and all the self-righteous vegans of the world will finally shut the hell up as they writhe in a stew of unbearable guilt and shame.

And considering the number of times that human beings have been ignorant and flat-out wrong about the world around them, who is to say that this might not one day happen?