Other than my intestines, I admittedly don’t know where all of my shit comes from. I try to be mindful of what I eat most of the time (no animal products, organic when possible, minimal processed foods, etc etc), but how the fuck does lettuce grow?

With the way of the world and our food system, our health is literally in our hands. I’m tired of complaining about how shitty we treat our animals, how much pesticide is in our produce, how every “natural” product we purchase is wrapped in plastic, how GMOs are an abusive scandal, and how this country is controlled by Big Pharma and the meat & dairy industries. Don’t get me wrong, I always enjoy talking shit, but the bottom line is the only way to guarantee clean food is to grow and make it ourselves.

Our culture has grown so distant from food production that unless you’re a factory farm “slave” worker (I don’t reasonably believe anyone wants to kill animals for a living) or an agricultural “slave” farmer (more on that in the expose documentary, Food Chains), we practically have no idea how to feed ourselves from scratch. So I decided to try growing my own shit for the first time this summer and I am excited to share that it is much easier to grow lettuce than you may think (or not have thought about at all!).

I have both an outdoor garden plot in the Brunswick Garden right across the street from the Brunswick Center and an aeroponic Tower Garden in the Doody Free Girl studio. Growing veggies outdoors involves more effort and way more patience than growing indoors. You first need to check the soil for any heavy metal contamination, take time to water your garden, check for potential pests and respond accordingly, and weed…often. Furthermore, outdoor veggies grow at a snail’s pace without Miracle Grow. So far, I’ve harvested a shitload of breakfast radishes, which are the only veggies that seem to grow quickly and easily (for me anyway). I’m still waiting on my carrots, which are currently as thin and disappointing as a pencil thin bowel movement.

I highly recommend an indoor aeroponic Tower Garden, which ensures you know that your plant food is receiving filtered water, optimal nutrients and NO pesticides. I do not, however, recommend it for those in a studio apartment because the LED grow lights must be on for 14 hours each day and they’re bright as hell. But if you can deal with the light, you can grow lettuce (and herbs, tomatoes, cucumbers, kale etc etc) all year long. It took me just under two months from receiving my order to harvest lettuce that replenishes itself overnight. I purchased everything online from TowerGarden.com, which has endless tutorial videos to accompany your order. Make sure to also purchase the LED Indoor Grow Lights and the Tower Garden Dolly from the site.

If this Tower Garden endeavor isn’t that appealing to you or your pets, you can start with a countertop Aerogarden, which grows just as well. Just grow something! I swear you will feel like a fucking magician! I still can’t believe this actually worked out for me…