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Talk of the Town- A Real Housewives of New York recap for Season 9- Episode 3

“What about your friends? Will they stand their ground, will they let you down again? What about your friends? Are they gonna be lowdown, will they ever be around? Or will they turn their backs on you?” TLC, What About Your Friends

Hello everyone. Welcome to the recap for episode 3 of RHONY. This week was chock-full of fighting, choosing sides, back-stabbing, and the confirmation of what we’ve always suspected but had yet to confirm- the fact that Dorinda has friends everywhere, and if you try to f*^@ with her, she will have an entire of file of reasons to take you down. Dorinda is gangster- this much we now know.

Right from the jump, it becomes clear that this is going to be a Hamptons weekend. We see Sonja and Tinsley packing, Lu giving a tour of her (quite beautiful) SAG Harbor house, and Bethenny joking that she is going to invite Donald Trump for the weekend and “lock him and Carole in the guest house for the weekend and see how that works” (at least I think it’s a joke.Who knows? I wouldn’t put it past B to be friends with someone like him.) Bethenny tells Carole that Sonja talked badly about Luann and Dorinda, Sonja and Tinsley prove as much by talking about Luann (well, “talk” might be an understatement. Tinsley can barely get a word in) and Tinsley says Sonja needs to let the “lovers” talk go once and for all. Amen, sister. Luann, Dorinda and Victoria (Lu’s daughter) talk about Tinsley and Sonja, who is supposedly “sober” and Dorinda passes around a pic of Sonja looking full-on hammer-times to disprove this theory. Of course Luann brings it back around to her relationship and wedding- “I think she’s jealous”- and Dorinda says she’s going to kill Sonja with kindness when she finally sees her, presumably at the dinner party Ramona is throwing over the weekend.

Carole won’t let go of her “election stress” and you can tell Bethenny’s patience is wearing thin regarding any topic of conversation that doesn’t directly revolve around her. Carole doesn’t want Ramona coming to her election party and Bethenny thinks Carole is being condescending. They go to acupuncture to relieve their stress, where Bethenny remarks that she’s never seen Carole so worked up about anything. (“I didn’t even know Carole had a pulse,” she quips and then goes right back to making it all about herself, waxing poetic about her own “faux spirituality.”) Carole, clearly a stranger to the science of Eastern medicine, asks the acupuncturist if he can do something about her toe fungus, and I am immediately transported back to her saying she had five good summers left last year. When that toe fungus sets in, it’s the beginning of the end, lady. Might as well send young Adam on his way and get a few more cats and just lean into your bleak future, Rad-zi-ville. Carole then whines about Bethenny’s “secret hell” with her ex and commends her for suffering in silence, because she doesn’t “really talk about it.” Unless of course there is a magazine willing to pay her for a story, that is. Bethenny gets “cupped” like a true rich, white Gwyneth and says, “I don’t care what I look like. This is a group of beat-up women.” Present company included, obviously.

Apparently Carole and Bethenny are meeting Luann, Dorinda and Ramona for dinner. Because that’s a great idea. I mean, it’s great for me, because I love to watch a good dinner party crash and burn, but in what world would these women hang out if they weren’t being paid for it? The owner greets C and B, and Bethenny, never one to pass up a “Luann’s a slut” joke, mutters, “Luann will be blowing this guy by midnight.” Ramona arrives next, armed with pics of Avery’s sorority parents formal, and gets immediately testy with Bethenny for not commenting on them. “Don’t you think we look beautiful?” Ramona snaps, and for once, I’m on Bethenny’s side, as she barely had a second to even glance at the pics, let alone formulate the exact compliment Ramona’s was fishing for. But never fear- me being on Bethenny’s side doesn’t last long. Luann and Dorinda enter and Dorinda thinks it might be awkward because she hasn’t seen Bethenny in months, and- wouldn’t you know it?- she’s right. The whole vibe is super uncomfortable. Carole and Dorinda immediately start talking about the shitshow of the election (and I feel anxious all over again, like this show is somehow making me relive the ridiculousness that was November 8th) and Ramona and Bethenny commiserate because of course they are political allies. And then, out of nowhere, Ramona Singer takes a sharp left turn and pulls out that Singer Stinger that we all know and love. She asks Bethenny about a “soft-core porno” that she did in the 90s and wonders if anyone in the schoolyard has brought it up to her 6-year-old daughter. Evidently, once upon a time, many years and several boob jobs ago, Bethenny Frankel was just another wanna-be actress who bared her original boobies (and her pre-botoxed jaw- see above pic) in a B movie called Hollywood Hills 90028. (A simple google search should lead you right to the juicy parts, should you be so inclined.) Bethenny shuts it down quickly, but Ramona won’t let it go. The other ladies seem uncomfortable, with the exception of Luann, who seems delighted. Bethenny tries to say she doesn’t regret it- she was young, she needed the money, she wanted to be an actress, yada yada, and I almost sympathize with her, and then, Dorinda brings up an interesting point- if it was any of the other ladies who had a shady movie from their past, particularly one with nudity and sex scenes, Bethenny would likely have had it broadcasting on the restaurant’s big screen that night to blindside them. She is the very definition of someone who can dish it out but not take it, and she proves this by eventually getting very angry and leaving the table. In fairness, she only does this after Luann and Ramona talk about her like she can’t possibly hear them across the table from her, and Ramona eventually proclaims that Bethanny is “being a B-I…” which made me laugh because that’s exactly how we spell curse words around our 4-year-old. In fairness, he has an amazing memory and I don’t want him going to school talking about mommy calling someone a B-I-T-C-H. Not that it would be any better for him to say, “mommy called you a B-I” but still.

Meanwhile, Sonja arrives in the Hamptons and is still upset that she wasn’t invited to stay at Ramona’s, as she usually is. So she and Tinsley stay with another friend of hers, and Sonja, ever the perfect houseguest, demonstrates that the bed won’t make any noise, should you bring a random stranger back to someone else’s house and bang him in a bed that’s not your own. At the same time, the unlikely threesome of Luann, Dorinda and Ramona go out to lunch together. Even Ramona is surprised by it. She remarks that “All of a sudden, Luann and I are like allies.” They discuss Bethenny and how she would have happily outed any of the rest of them if they had a “sex tape.” And back at Bethenny’s, she and Carole and some other random friend of B’s debate the exact opposite side of it. That’s basically what this entire episode is- people forming teams, making alliances and debating separate sides of the same issue. They turn on each other the way I turn on these women- one minute I love them, the next I’m cheering for their demise. Dorinda says that Sonja has gone on a “slanderous rampage” regarding her and she isn’t happy about it. “She’s got a hard-on for me,” she says, “And now I’ve got a hard-back.” Someone has been sending Dorinda screenshots of some things Sonja has supposedly said about her and John on some social media sites. Sonja, delusional as ever, tells Tinsley that she’s looking forward to seeing Dorinda. Somehow, I don’t think this can go anywhere good.

We head to Ramona’s Hamptons house that evening before the dinner party begins and I have to say, her house is spectacular. I’ve always coveted that house, and to hear her say she bought it with her own money before Mario is even more impressive. Ramona is a tough one for me- she’s obnoxious, she’s rude, she’s exceptionally annoying, but you almost can’t hate her, cause when she’s at her worst, it’s really kind of her best. (Who can forget a drunken Ramona, circa season 2 or 3, dancing around singing “Turtle Tiiiiiiiiime”? Priceless.) Carole talks to Dorinda and it turns out that Dorinda has a “friend” who has been sending her all manner of evidence of Sonja’s shit-talking. Is it a PI? FBI? Who knows? Dorinda calls this friend a “mole” and says she has a “file” against Sonja. “Don’t f*%# with Dorinda,” says Carole, and I would have to agree. Dorinda says she’s not on the “martini train” because she wants to confront Sonja and she’s “stalking her prey.” Sonja arrives and it’s TBC.

I learned a few things this episode- both Luann and Ramona have bad-ass Hamptons houses, so maybe divorce does pay, Bethenny used to want to be an “actress” badly enough to bare all in the 90s, Dorinda knows all kinds of shady people and Carole is going to be demoted to “friend of the housewives” next season if she doesn’t muster up a storyline that has nothing to do with Adam or the election. Other than that, I’m out. I promise to try to write this recap on Thursday next week. Until then, stay sexy my friends.