Jenny: ?? so this book was bad???Rachel: god it was so badCarolynn: jesus christAshley: I formally apologize to y’all for choosing this oneCarolynn: oh ok before we get any farther
let’s summarize this book
for the folks @ homeAshley: hoo boyJenny: literal prince and Formula 1 racer works through his man-pain about being a bad driver by taking it out on the woman he had sex with for a few weeks one time six years ago bc it turns out they have a son and she didn’t want to deal with his dramaCarolynn: this was basically the story of a woman who spends many years in “love” with a terrible dude for no understandable reason; men take no responsibility for anything and everything is a woman’s fault, although there are some shady women too; humanity is terrible and don’t deserve dogs
by “shady women” tho I’m referring mostly to the racecar prince’s brother’s ex-fiance and the mean maid ladyJenny: the maid lady comes aroundAshley: the mean maid lady got chill after she saw Sarah’s weird obsessive scrapbook which proves her loveCarolynn: I can’t believe what won them over in the end was scrapbookingAshley: lol cc you know those Italian uppercrust and their scrapbooks!!!

Carolynn: it is truly the most Italian of hobbiesAshley: when the moon hits your glossy photos like a big pizza pie that’s amoreCarolynn: hahahahaha

Ashley: also there’s cringey disability stuff around Cesar being immobile and then getting his mobility backCarolynn: …………yeah………..Jenny: I can’t believe that any of them thought that a soft drink heiress needed to “raise her station” by keeping her son safe from the limelight for five yearsAshley: she’s new money Jenny come on
we all know that ol’ chestnutCarolynn: ya like it’s v low rent Downton Abbey
fanfic-from-a-teen’s-marble-composition-notebook Downton Abbey
(^ signed, a former teen with a lot of marble composition notebooks)Jenny: with all of the requisite plot holesAshley: yeah I mean not knocking fanfic or teens on a general individual basis but this was bad teen fanficCarolynn: it’s no Jupiter Ascending tho that’s for damn sureAshley: more like Jupiter Descending hehCarolynn: womp womp wommmmpAshley: lol told y’all I was grumpyCarolynn: I’m sure this book didn’t help either this dude suckedAshley: but yeah plot: confusing and bad, relied mostly on exposition. characters: bad
the only two characters I liked were the Steven Universe-esque son Johnny and the clearly AU lesbian CC that was in her Italian class

Carolynn: I liked the massage therapist even though her outfit was bargain bin modcloth badJenny: I liked her tooCarolynn: she’s got a real good smirk

Ashley: lmao omg I forgot about the camoooooooooo
oh fuck that reminds me
maybe Italians are just a decade behind on fashionCarolynn: it’s still 2003 in Italy
I think this book came out in 2009Ashley: on my train to Seattle this week I saw two adult men clad head to toe in Hollister and A&F and stuff with tons of shopping bags full of same, and I was like why
and then I heard them talk and they were literally Irish from Ireland
like oh, that explains itJenny: Europe disgusts meAshley: LMAO JENNYCarolynn: LOL JENNYAshley: Jenny outs herself as the Ron Swanson of our group

Carolynn: y’all can we talk about this lettering

Ashley: CC OMG YES THE LETTERINGJenny: IT’S SO BADAshley: WHYYYYYCarolynn: what is happening with these fontsAshley: DO EDITORS EXIST AT HARLEQUIN COMICS

Ashley: also that line “you always used protection” so like what happened then?

Jenny: 99% effective
obviously they had sex 100 timesCarolynn: she got pregnant from precum like that lady from ScrubsAshley: omg cc precum wtf
I never watched Scrubs but dear god whyCarolynn: I was a sexual health peer ed and people always cited that damn episode
like, it happened to Zach Braff, it’ll def happen 2 meAshley: tv will kill us all if it doesn’t save usJenny: if I learned anything from the mid-2000s it’s that we are all Zach BraffAshley: I mean I don’t think any of us four deserve that on an individual level but then again we all collectively do as human beings maybe

Carolynn: new fb sticker idea yall

Ashley: hahahahaCarolynn: what is happening w her eyebrows

Jenny: also v applicableAshley: DARN hahahahaha
Sorry I’m just lost in reacting to everything y’all are doing god damnRachel: DARN is the best screenshotCarolynn: also my face when reading this

Carolynn: ok so did yall appreciate how they tried to pass “the American west coast” off as an exotic locale? I mean, this is adapted from a Harlequin novel
it’s just weird that it’s so vagueAshley: when did the American west coast even come up???Carolynn: the elegant party Captain Falcon met the protag at
when she was but a young soda heiressAshley: lolJenny: mostly I was caught up on how the age of consent is definitely not 18 in the vague but exotic American west coast

Carolynn: I MISSED THAT EW JESUS CHRISTAshley: ah but he didn’t invite her over for sex until she was 20
slightly less weird but still weird
honestly tho like why
you can make them literally any age so why do thisJenny: like she’s 17 when they meet and am I really meant to believe that they don’t have sex (or correspond at all??) for the three years between then and the sex vacation??Rachel: god 20 is still too young
especially when he is 7 years olderJenny: honestly I am 24 years old right now and I cannot for the life of me imagine ever being attracted to a 17 year oldCarolynn: look I dated a dude who was 25 when I was 19 for a whole minute and that was still too damn muchRachel: ban all menJenny: 2017Ashley: yeah I mean I feel like many of us have actually been there at that age but it sucks and has no place in romantic fantasies imo!!!
stop grooming girls for abuse!! i’m mad!!!!!!!!Carolynn: also I would not visit my ex from 6 years ago in the hospitalAshley: but what if baby CC
WHAT IF BABYCarolynn: I like that she acknowledges that she was in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation re: telling him about the baby
like, if she told him I bet it would have gone the opposite wayAshley: that is trueRachel: I would not have a secret baby!!!!
and then pine after the dad for 6 years!!!!Carolynn: SCRAPBOOK after the dad Rachel!!!!!Rachel: don’t you love how he’s like
HOW DARE YOU NOT TELL ME
ABOUT MY SON
even though I know I would have reacted badly
HOW DARE YOUAshley: it is like, the one fault he ever silently acknowledgesCarolynn: “women are wrong no matter what they do”
like from his behavior I can see why she didn’t tell him lbrRachel: yeah what a turdCarolynn: I wouldn’t tell him either; but then again I wouldn’t tell him anything but GOODBYERachel: I miss our sweet virgin from the last bookAshley: omg I don’t even want to imagine what would have happened if she was also like “I considered an abortion…”Jenny: how dare you wait until my career has quieted down to tell me about my son WHEN I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU that I didn’t want a family until my career quieted downAshley: lmao Jenny ugh to the point

Rachel: honestly the thing that bothered me the most
well, one of the things
was that he suddenly decided he was in love with her again
but instead of showing it, he was like “i’m going to disappear for a while”Jenny: it was like as soon as he saw her w that other dudeRachel: GODJenny: not even real love just jealousyCarolynn: also yeah like three damn pages from the end IF THATAshley: ugh yeah like SO MANIPULATIVERachel: I HATE HIMAshley: “this will be our wedding lap”

Jenny: UGHAshley: whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyCarolynn: like “not even 10 pages ago I was telling you how I’d never ever love u even if you kept scrapbooking and giving me massages 4 the rest of my life”
“oh wait nvm jk lol”Rachel: also I’m going to have sex with you because I hate myselfJenny: THAT PARTRachel: AUUGHGHGHGHGHHH!!!

Ashley: “that’s fine if it helps!!!!”Carolynn: GIRL NOOOOOAshley: I know I just want to scoop her up and be like the sassy gay friend in the sassy gay friend videosCarolynn: there’s also a part in the beginning where she’s talking about their ~ youthful fling ~~ and she says they never said “I love you”
and literally like 3 pages later in the same flashback she’s like “ilu cesar”

Jenny: what is the truth???Rachel: god it’s bad AND inconsistent
the two worst things it can be

Carolynn: so why did they need to get married for Johnny’s sake
Johnny was fine
he was thrivingAshley: to legitimize the bastard!!!!!!
y’all need to brush up on your patriarchal aristocracy rules!!!!!
that’s how it works in ye olde Italia
because everyone there fucks all the time and stuffCarolynn: see I feel like I’m missing out on critical context I need to knowAshley: too much sexy pastaJenny: can’t just be fuckin Johnny SandCarolynn: LOL JENNYAshley: I think it would be Johnny Pasta
let’s be realJenny: you’re right

Carolynn: ok also, relatable

Jenny: 100%Ashley: that kid was cute afJenny: ALSO WHEN JOHNNY SAYS THEY HAVE TO SHARE A BED
WHAT A PLOT DEVICECarolynn: yeah like Johnny, what the fuck kidAshley: oh good lordRachel: he’s parent trapping themAshley: Johnny you need to read a children’s book or five about unconventional families my dude

Rachel: did anybody else notice that Cesar’s dad is a mouthless monster

Ashley: NO MOUTH OMGCarolynn: dad has no mouth, mom has an incredible wig
I have never seen hair in a comic that looked that much like a wigAshley: ahhhhhhh I’m screaming ur so right
like Cinderella’s stepmom levelRachel: no wonder Cesar is the worstJenny: he has no idea what a real marriage looks like

Ashley: can we all like write self insert fanfic of this where we are collectively the therapist for these charactersRachel: or the sassy gay best friends, to your earlier pointAshley: either one!!!
or therapist turned sassy gay friend
to continue the theme of slightly inappropriate relationshipsJenny: this scrapbook is unhealthy — burn it as a cleansing exercise
(I would maybe not be a great therapist)Carolynn: ok but that leads me to another point
boundaries
BOUNDARIES
does anyone have them, with anyone?Ashley: boundaries don’t exist in Italy
i’m blaming italy for everything, sorryJenny: don’t apologize — Europe sucksAshley: lol thank u Jenny

Ashley: omg yessssssssCarolynn: v applicable tho and also a good memeAshley: ron swanson + sassy gay friend!!!!!!!Rachel: AHAHAHAJenny: full circleAshley: JUST LIKE THE NUVA RING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TAKEN OUT, SARAH!!!

Jenny: the mean maid when she stopped being mean encouraging Sarah to have an affair (also weird boundaries)

Rachel: hahahahaAshley: again, Italy!!!!!!Rachel: that was when the mean maid redeemed herself for meAshley: same

Carolynn: ok there’s one other shady individual we haven’t talked about
Falco’s doctorAshley: omgJenny: right???Ashley: that guy was like Dr. Spaceman from 30 RockJenny: it seemed like he BROUGHT HER THERE???
HOW DID HE KNOW ABOUT HER??
ALSO:

Ashley: “his paralysis is located either in his brain…………. or his heart…………………..”Carolynn: HA HA HA HE IS DR SPACEMANAshley: I want Sarah to save me from depression
(actually I don’t, go live your life sarah)Carolynn: wake me up insideRachel: ok it’s either in his brain or his heart, but physio therapy will help still apparently???Carolynn: he was in a MASSIVE car accident but lol the injury is all in his head
like, maybe, he was actually…….injured????????? by the near fatal car accident?
I’m not a medical professional but I’m willing to bet there were physical injuries as wellRachel: well he did have that one bandaid
on his face

Carolynn: lol Rachel ya
that’ll definitely
that’ll cover it
billed at like $50k on his insurance lolJenny: hahahahahahAshley: lmao omg
I T A L YCarolynn: line item for: bandaid; flying in ur ex from 6 years ago and secret baby

Jenny: ALSO
the crash was in Brazil but he’s at a LOCAL Italian hospital???

Carolynn: JESUS CHRIST I DIDNT CATCH THATAshley: also 2 other racers hurt
that no one cares about cuz they’re not a mean prince, byeCarolynn: yeah but like the real question is, were they hotJenny: fuck those guys though
clearly not hot or richCarolynn: just leave them on the pavement
gotta save the prince here make wayAshley: take their kidneys for prince pazzatura

Rachel: anything we wanna hit before we wrap up?Jenny: takeaways
lessons learnedCarolynn: yeah life lessonsAshley: my takeaway: eat the richJenny: that’s a good oneCarolynn: mine is IUDs are greatAshley: 👍👍Carolynn: IUDs are the gift that keeps on not giving and I highly recommend them to every 17-20 year old soda heiressRachel: dang CC that was gonna be mine
+1 to all of thatJenny: don’t go to Europe
esp if you have the chance to live large as a soda heiress in western coastal americaAshley: omg soda heiress…. this adventure is totally something that the Sweetums heiress from Parks and Rec would do!!!Jenny: !!!!!!!!
BOBBY NEWPORT
is IN SPAIN
CAVORTINGCarolynn: bbbbobbbby newporttttttAshley: darn dudes
Parks and Rec is like the shitty Harlequin Comics bibleRachel: this is actually just a Parks and Rec spinoffJenny: Sarah was Bobby Newport this whole timeAshley: supports teen fanfic theory, I approveCarolynn: self insert fanfic by Bobby NewportJenny: just Paul Rudd
Paul Rudd wrote thisAshley: hahaha fair enough
eternal teen Paul RuddJenny: hasn’t aged a day
him and Keanu and their vampiric cabal
would read that Harlequin RomanceAshley: KEANUUUUUUU
I’M SORRY THIS COMIC EXISTS IN THE SAME WORLD AS YOU, KEANUUUU

Join us for our next Romance Roundtable, where we get through THE MAVERICK — a story that we picked solely because of this line: “I wouldn’t buy you from the groom shop even if you were in the bargain bin!” Hell yeah.

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror in blood during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets.
CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!

Ashley is a writer, a subtropical swamp blossom transplanted to a temperate rain forest, and a 100% organic mansplain repellent. She enjoys yelling about the media and pop culture zeitgeists that everyone has moved on from at least six months previous, and headcanoning her favorite fictional characters queer.

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.

Rachel is a big weirdo that likes to design in Photoshop and code in JavaScript. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.