The first time I had an egg cream was five years
ago in one of the city’s many fake-retro diners. It was described to me as “chocolate
milk for grown-ups,” making me think it contained Kahlua. It did not. And
contrary to its name, it did not contain eggs, but rather, chocolate syrup, milk, and seltzer water. Despite this, that hit –though probably average at best—was a gateway drug for me. Since
then, I can’t pass a rundown looking diner or luncheonette without wanting to
try their egg cream. Like a thumbprint, no egg cream is alike. This prompted me
to try to find the best ones in the city, and after strenuous research
(and digesting gallons of seltzer water) I present to you my findings.

(For the sake of scientific control, I only
ordered chocolate egg creams, but I highly encourage others to branch out and
try other flavors. Except for pineapple. Never pineapple.)

Most Chocolate-y: Square Diner (33 Leonard Street,
Manhattan)

I watched the man behind the counter put pump after
pump of chocolate into the egg cream like a doctor administering morphine. This
drink is not for the squeamish when it comes to sweets. One sip was enough to turn
my insides into a Cadbury Easter Bunny. For some, this may be overkill, but not
for me. I drank mine with a chocolate chip cookie.

Most Enthusiastic: Brooklyn Farmacy (513 Henry
Street, Brooklyn)

For this experiment, I avoided diners that brought
to mind the faux-retro glitziness of Wowsville,
USA from Ghost World. At first glance,
Farmacy may came off as such a place, but their sheer enthusiasm for egg creams
won me over (not to mention their décor is just adorable rather than
aggressively adorable). Behind the counter reads a sign: “IF YOU’VE NEVER HAD
AN EGG CREAM BEFORE, YOU’RE IN FOR A TREAT!” Obviously, the drinks themselves
live up to the hype. And if that doesn’t convince you, each of their receipts
read: “DRINK MORE EGG CREAMS.”

This Forest Hills staple is a mile away from the
nearest subway stop, but you can use the walk through the gorgeous neighborhood
to contemplate the egg cream that lays ahead of you. Eddie’s is the kind of
place you wish you could have visited with a grandparent or a member of The
Four Seasons. The place seems to be immune to the passage of time, and I swear
I overheard an argument about the League of Nations over at the counter.

Most Old-at-Heart: Hinsch’s (8518 Fifth Avenue,
Brooklyn)

The main street through the neighborhood of Bay Bridge
is a hectic affair, especially at 3 pm when the young’uns are released from
school. There’s no better oasis than Hinsch’s, which has been around since
1946. The average customer age seems to be in the early 70’s, and there’s a
space out front to park your walker. In short, I couldn’t have felt more at
home. There’s no rush to finish your egg cream here, as everything moves at a
snail’s pace. If it wasn’t for my osteoarthritis, I could’ve stayed all day.

Best Soda Jerk: Gem Spa (121 Second Avenue,
Manhattan)

Gem Spa is essentially a bodega that also happens
to serve egg creams, but they do it with style. When I told the man behind the
counter I wanted an egg cream, his face lit up. Though the chocolate pump was a
bit crusty and the egg cream was served in a paper cup, it still exceeded
expectations. It’s tradition at Gem Spa to take a “first sip” of your egg cream’s
frothy top while the man watches you in anticipation. You then nod in approval,
and he knows he’s done a job well done.

Best Presentation: Tom’s (782 Washington Avenue,
Brooklyn)

There’s always a line to get into Tom’s, so your
best bet is to get there right at 7 am. You’ll have the counter all to
yourself, and you’ll need as much space as you can get to admire the artistic
integrity that goes into each egg cream. Each drink is mixed so well that no
chocolate can be seen lingering at the bottom. Whipped cream is sprinkled with
a dusting of chocolate. The glass always sparkles. If da Vinci made egg creams,
he’d work at Tom’s.

If you need fodder for your next novel, go to Neil’s
on a Sunday morning. The egg cream comes out fast, but in the time it will take
you to drink it, you’ll overhear at least one couple arguing about who stopped
up the toilet, two friends trying to piece together last night’s shenanigans,
and one quasi-homeless man they allow to sit in the back and mumble to himself.

Best Overall: Ray’s Candy Store (113 Avenue A,
Manhattan)

As if it wasn’t enough that Ray’s also has beignets,
soft serve, and Belgian fries, they
also happen to have the best egg cream in the city. Don’t be put off by its
unassuming appearance or the humble storefront entrance. I took the paper cup,
walked out, took a sip, and then stopped in my tracks. My exact thought: That is a motherfucking good egg cream. That, my friends, should be
the standard reaction to an egg cream.