Catching up with ‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Calling fowl

When we last left our mooks, somehow Amber and Nicole’s fight evolved into a fight between Folletto and this Jimmy character, after This Jimmy Guy tried to claim that he is working with the Attorney General prosecuting Meatball, and throwing in for good measure that Folletto is a dumb fanculo. Folletto, who has the self-control of a toddler and the pride of a much larger man, follows Jimmy outside as he and Amber are trying to scurry away and Folletteo demands an apology. Jimmy refuses and accuses Folletto of spitting in his face while Amber yells that they are just trying to protect Meatball, which is totally plausible and just makes good sense.

Jimmy the Lawyer then promises that if Folletto touches him he will have Folletto arrested, he will sue him, and he will put his follettculo in jail. Jimmy then explains in an interview that he is trained as a lawyer, and that if he wants, he will sue you, leverage your house, drag you through the courts for three years of hell, humiliate you for 8 hours in a deposition and make you his puta, which is exactly the kind of nonsense that makes everyone hate lawyers. Particularly and especially lawyers who DON’T EVEN PRACTICE THE LAW.

Fortunately for everyone — most especially the actual attorneys who work for Bravo and would have to deal with this cretin in the event of a lawsuit — Melissa is able to pull Folletto away from Lawyer Jimmy, Esq., and Meatball, who I am sure decided against doing anything that might land him in any more legal shenanigans, stayed completely out of the situation (minor miracles and all that), and tensions deflate fairly quickly. However, because Amber attempted to flee the scene in such a hurry that she left her keys inside the house, she and Lawyer Jimmy, Esq. have to go back inside to retrieve them, all the while Amber is whinging that somehow SHE became the villain here, HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

When they go back inside, Teresa asks to speak to Lawyer Jimmy, Esq. and asks him directly why he didn’t want to hang out with Meatball, and Lawyer Jimmy, Esq. actually says that it’s because he wanted to spend more time with his wife and familia, which is very believable, and not the default excuse a corrupt politician gives when he resigns from office after being caught doing something particularly despicable. To her credit, this doesn’t sit right in Teresa’s tiny little three-head and she presses him on it: it’s not because Lawyer Jimmy, Esq. thought a fight might break out, or something about the Attorney General’s office, maybe? So, cornered, Lawyer Jimmy, Esq. tries out the “I was just protecting yous familia” line again, which still makes so much sense.

Dina and Melissa join the conversation, and Dina asks Lawyer Jimmy, Esq. if he’s trying to say something negative about Meatball. At this, Lawyer Jimmy, Esq. changes tone, and asks if any one of them has an IQ over 12 and decides he has to spell this out for them: What is Meatball being prosecuted for? Meatball fraud. What does Lawyer Jimmy, Esq. do for a living? He’s an attorney. Something with mortgages; providing them, mostly, when he isn’t single-handedly restoring faith in the real estate industry by prosecuting meatball fraud, UH DUH. Dina asks Lawyer Jimmy, Esq. if he was so worried about “protecting Il Meatballs” that he couldn’t go bowling with Meatball, why did he come to this party where he knew Meatball had been invited? And Lawyer Jimmy, Esq. fires back that it’s because he’s friends with Bobby the Firefighter, Q.E.DOY. And Dina, who has had it, officially, with Lawyer Jimmy Esq.’s condescending attitude, calls him on it, only to have him sneer back at her that he’s EXPLAINED THIS THREE TIMES ALREADY, WHAT DOES HER TINY LITTLE BRAIN NOT UNDERSTAND?

TRUTH. (realitytvgifs.tumblr.com)

Finally Amber and Lawyer Jimmy, Esq. collect their things and depart before they can offend anyone else, leaving Teresa’s tiny little rabbit brain struggling to understand what just happened, and whether Lawyer Jimmy, Esq. is actually working on Meatball’s meatball fraud case and going to send Meatball to meatball jail. (No, you poor dummy.)

While all of this is happening upstairs, Nicole is down in the basement, still yapping about Amber spreading rumors about her being a home-wrecking puttana to anyone who will listen. At some point Fireman Bobby throws her over his shoulder and drags her away, where she starts screaming at him that Amber said he’d never marry her and IF HE EVER SPEAKS TO THAT WOMAN AGAIN, THEY’RE DONE. Fireman Bobby doesn’t actually care for ultimatums, and screams back to CUT IT WITH THE THREATS. Good party, Bobby! A+++ job “bringing awareness to first responders.”

So, Meatball decides to surprise the meatballini with some chickens? This is an entire subplot of this episode: Meatball chickens. Meatball buys some chickens and puts the chickens in a coop that he set up next to all of the cages full of German Shepherds. And, yeah, yeah, chickens; but can we take a time out here to ask what the deal is with all the German Shepherds in cages? We saw these cage dogs a couple of seasons ago and didn’t receive any sort of explanation then, either. Are they guard dogs? Pets? Some sort of breeding enterprise? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE WITH ALL THE CAGES AND ALL THE DOGS AND WHY ISN’T ANYONE EXPLAINING IT?

Anyway, shockingly, one of the German Shepherds being kept right next to a chicken coop manages to make its way inside said coop and eat all the chickens therein. So Meatball, Rosie and Mortadella drive out to another farm to buy some replacement chickens for the caged German Shepherds to later slaughter. There at the farm, Rosie promises to be there for Meatball during all his meatball troubles because Rosie and Meatball are best amici 4eva. And then Rosie and Meatball try to make a ram smoke a cigarette because they are idiots.

Dina, meanwhile, has a date with Baby Hulk in the city, which he arrives 30 minutes and one giant frozen hot chocolate late to. Dina is underwhelmed by Baby Hulk’s punctuality and intellect.

Nicole and Fireman Bobby go to a gun range, shoot guns, it’s exactly as interesting as it sounds.

Back to the important stuff: Fireman Bobby, having had time to think things over, decides to pay a visit to his buddies Lawyer Jimmy, Esq. and Amber to discuss what happened at his Bring Awareness to EMTs festa. However, instead of the apology he expects to receive from Amber for spreading malicious rumors about his girlfriend, Fireman Bobby gets an earful from Lawyer Jimmy, Esq. about how he can’t wait for Bobby to dump Nicole. Lawyer Jimmy, Esq. takes full advantage of the cameras in his kitchen to claim that Fireman Bobby is always talking about how he can’t stand Nicole, that he hates how she’s always hanging on him and that he makes fun of her makeup and talks about how he doesn’t want to kiss her because of all the goop on her face. And with that, Fireman Bobby throws up his hands and walks away from his 12-year friendship with Lawyer Jimmy, Esq., because, seriously, cazzo that guy.

TRUTH. (realitytvgifs.tumblr.com)

Elsewhere, Melissa invites the twins over for dinner at her non-fabulous rental house, where they do cartwheels with Stugats and then collectively wonder what the deal is with Amber. They eventually decide that the deal with Amber is a combination of insecurity and a overly-controlling husband with a small pene. This, of course, describes all of these women.

Meanwhile, Teresa and Dina meet Amber at a spa to have bird merde smeared on their faces and collectively wonder what the deal is with Melissa. Amber begins by apologizing for what a culo her husband was at the Fireman and Coast Guard Festa — a crucial and clever strategic move on her part — before suggesting that she is the real victim here, thanks to Melissa. The three women all wonder why Melissa would (truthfully) tell Nicole that Amber had been gossiping about her, where is her loyalty? Of course, Melissa had been being loyal in her own way, to Teresa of all people, by telling Nicole about Amber’s gossip after learning that Amber’s husband had been disrespectful towards Meatball. Not that Teresa knows this, of course, which is why she tells Amber that Melissa is “cold” before remembering that she is being filmed and informing Amber that she and her cognata have worked out their differences. And then Dina calls Melissa a merda stirrer, because she has spent so much time with her and knows her so well.

GAH, QUIT MAKING ME DEFEND MELISSA, YOU TONTOS.

So Amber after The Producers waved her contract in her faces inspired by Teresa, has Melissa meet her for lunch — not for an apology, she generously explains — but so that Melissa can explain herself. After asking Amber how her head feels, and Amber waving off the clump of hair yoinked from her head, Melissa tells Amber that she certainly did not expect things between Nicole and Amber to escalate so quickly and become violent. Amber then chastises Melissa for telling Nicole what she had said in confidence (in front of the cameras), and asserts that Melissa should have kept her mouth shut. Melissa, however, is not interested in Amber trying to play the victim here, and minces no words, calling her a straight-up lying liar who lies. In return, Amber calls Melissa a trouble-maker, insists that she’s had nothing but problems since Melissa re-entered her life, and, somewhat hilariously, calls Melissa a “tainted woman.” Melissa suggests that it would be beneficial if they all sat down together and discussed what happened, but Amber flatly declares that IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN UNTIL THE PRODUCERS DRAG OUT HER CONTRACT AGAIN AND SHOW HER THE LUNCH FIGHT CLAUSE SHE AGREED TO. NOT EVER. UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

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"Gabagool" = Gia Giudice.

"Gabagool" = Gia Giudice.

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"Sfogliatelle" = Gabriella Giudice. She apparently lives in a tree and therefore is never on camera.

"Sfogliatelle" = Gabriella Giudice. She apparently lives in a tree and therefore is never on camera.