* From: Andreas Tille
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminum" . Check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed" .
2. There is no such thing as "US English" . We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The
Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American football". You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best
if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware
that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves
lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French
for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive
Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.