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Should you threaten to end your relationship?

When your relationship is at a crossroads and you’re ready for the next level—moving in together, getting married, moving away from in-laws, having a baby, or whatever the next stage might be—but he isn’t ready yet, you may be tempted to take an all-or-nothing stand. Ultimatums have been used by women in the past—sometimes successfully, but more often than not, they’ve been followed by unpleasant results.

So why do we still consider using them? It’s simple, really. When you’re at the end of your tether, you want him to either shape up or ship out. And when your ultimatum isn’t just an empty threat, it may even serve your purpose—he will either pull up his socks from fear of losing you or shrug his shoulders and let you slip away.

However, the former scenario is an unhealthy way to move your relationship to the next stage, and the latter is ineffective if you plan to stay anyway, even after he’s refused to budge from his stance. After all, if you don’t take your own ultimatum seriously, why will he the next time you try to use it?

In fact, ultimatums cause more damage than good. If he does spur into action from fear of losing you, he may only do it because he’s been pressured by you. He may feel trapped and eventually begin to resent you for having pushed him to make a decision he wasn’t ready for. This is not a great start to the next stage of your relationship and will not grow your love for each other.

While there are some cases in which an ultimatum might be allowed, what you can do instead of turning to a my-way-or-the-highway option is to have an honest discussion about your needs—and his—and find out whether you’re both on the same page. Open communication allows you to meet each other’s expectations without the scythe of an ultimatum hanging over your heads.

If your needs aren’t being met, you can openly discuss the next step. One solution is to give yourselves a deadline at which point you can re-evaluate whether your relationship is where you want it to be. You’re not committing to walking out, but are giving yourselves a period of time to get to where you want to be. If your needs have still not been met, you can discuss your next move without the ugliness of resentment and anger.