Aug 1 I Hate Canteens

I used to love canteens. Not school canteens, because dickheads lived there and used to laugh at my lunchbox that looked like a Lego brick, even though it was, and still is the coolest lunchbox ever. But I loved canteens after that. I liked the one at university that used to serve sausage baps on a Wednesday morning when all I could taste was cheap vodka. I liked the one at my old job that did really nice coffee and had an attractive waitress who made up kind excuses to reject my advances.
I even like the one in Marks and Spencer because it’s got a good view of Topman from the window so I can sit and look at all the clothes I’m going to waste my wages on. Yay canteens.

But recently canteens have gone down in my estimations. Today I was in one in particular, that only offered a selection of fish based fillings in their sandwiches. I think fish is great, don’t get me wrong, all delicate and ethical and that, and sometimes I like to eat fish, but only if it is my choice to have it.

I don’t want to have fish forced upon me like an overly keen female admirer (of which I’ve had three, and they were all drunk at the time, and I might have been drunk too, and it may never have happened.) I like to know that I am the sole reason behind why I’m eating a fish sandwich, that it was my decision for it to end up going into my mouth, not anybody else’s. We live in a democracy, don’t we? Does this democratic way of existing not extend to sandwich selections? It’s fucking outrageous if it doesn’t, Hitler has basically won.

The tuna served was dolphin friendly. To be honest I’m not sure I want my fishing methods so outwardly chummy. Give the little bottle nose freaks some space by all means, but we’re not ‘friendly’. I’ve never even had a dolphin endorse my skills on Linkedin.

Anyway, with the sandwich, it seemed I didn’t have much of a choice. I sat and ate it with nothing but reluctance and fear of an impending communist takeover in my heart.

The seat I sat on was moulded from recycled plastic because it’s all urban and cool, but urban and cool does not equate to comfortable. So not only was I having a terrible time in my mouth but also on my backside, which as I type is making it sound as if I spent my lunch break at some kind of gay orgy. I didn’t and now regret suggesting it at all.

Why can’t canteens be good again? We all have to spend time in them unless we can be arsed to walk further than we absolutely have to, which I cannot. Ever. So instead of making us suffer and write bitter, albeit highly accurate and not at all exaggerated blog posts later, why doesn’t someone do something about them? Who’s the minister for canteens in the government? If they don’t have one it’s definitely time for a change.

Put that on your manifestos, door steppers. Immigration can wait until I’ve had a decent meal.