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Update: Jesus Committed Fashion Sins

A new discovery reveals that Jesus of Nazareth, the son of God, and savior to mankind, wore Birkenstocks and socks. The discovery was revealed at the beginning of the week when esteemed art historian Simon Schama announced that the man depicted in ancient cave paintings, located in an undisclosed cave in the Holy Land, are the earliest known depictions of Jesus Christ.

The ancient painting displays Jesus, leading his twelve disciples, wearing a simple white tunic and what appear to be Birkenstocks and white socks. According to John 19:23, Jesus wore a tunic, but the verse failed to mention his shoe choice—apparently for good reason. The news of Jesus’ shoe choice has been received negatively.

Pope Francis stated that the Catholic population should refrain from judging Jesus after this discovery. People Magazine conducted a poll asking “Who Wore it Better?” between Jesus and a Birkenstock/sock clad Alanis Morissette—with Morissette winning by a landslide. Jon Stewart remarked, “Damn, it’s good to be a Jew.” Kanye West tweeted that he has been wearing socks and sandals long before this recent discovery.

Currently, Birkenstocks owner Janis Lennon is banking on the discovery. The latest ad campaign from Birkenstocks includes slogans such as “Good Enough for the Son of God, Good Enough for You” and “Jesus Wasn’t Picky, Why Should You Be?” When questioned if the depictions of Jesus nailed to the cross, bleeding profusely whilst wearing Birkenstocks, is in poor taste, Lennon shrugged.

Many Christians are confused about the discovery and many are unsure where they stand on the issue. Annabel Pasaquale, an eleventh grade English teacher from Durham, North Carolina, stated that she has a hard time taking Jesus seriously now. Stacy Myers, a student at UK and active CSF member, remarked, “Oh my God—Jesus wore sandals and socks? Ew.” One practicing Christian mother, who wishes to stay anonymous, states she doesn’t want her kids believing in some “hippie.” Others say their view of Jesus has not shifted. In the words of UK student Kyle Poppins, “Maybe Jesus was just trying to relax.”