Proof We're About to Let Off the Russian Spies Way Too Easy

On Monday evening, federal authorities arrested eleven alleged Russian spies in New York, Boston, and Virginia. If convicted, the suspects will face a maximum sentence of twenty-five years: twenty for money laundering, and only five for serving as agents of a foreign government. You'd think the second count might carry a harsher punishment, but apparently espionage is not that big a deal compared to, say...

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Cactus Theft /// 5 Years

The Lacey Act, which dates back to 1900, protects the saguaro cactus in Arizona. Apparently stealing cacti is just as bad as stealing state secrets. (Also: Stealing crawfish gets you ten years.)

Premarital Sex /// 5 Years

An obsolete-yet-on-the-books Michigan law punishes sex before marriage (even between consenting adults) with half a decade in the slammer. So would you get a decade if she's a sexy Russian spy?

An Arizona couple saw three people in the desert suffering from "extreme thirst and hunger," "vomiting," and "severe, crippling blisters," according to Amnesty International. So the good Samaritans drove them to the hospital. Turns out they were illegal immigrants whom it is illegal to "transport." Don't tell the governor of Arizona.

Marijuana Possession /// 35 Years

That puff at your party last weekend? You might as well have committed treason seven times over.