Hey there, Big Guy; how’s it hangin’? By the chimney with care, I bet. How have you been? How did the latest round of elf down-sizing go? Man, NOBODY’S safe in this economy. Also, I can’t believe I used the words “elf” and “down-sizing” in the same phrase. LMFAO

Annnnnyway, I’ve been exceptionally good this year except for that one time I accidentally set a display of Nickelback CDs on fire after inadvertently spilling lighter fluid all over them while coincidentally laughing maniacally and yelling, “Sic semper tyrannis!!!”. I was…rehearsing…for a play…

KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

On the plus side of the equation, I did save that busload of nuns, orphans and puppies—who were in line to buy those Nickelback CDs; from actually listening to them. And I totally suggested some marginally cooler music to them to replace their Nickelback “loss”.

You’re welcome, Kenny G.

In the event of a terrorist attack, Kenny G's saxophone also doubles as a bazooka.

Also as you’re making up your Naughty List and in the interest of full disclosure you should know that I’m planning on going deer hunting with my brother and a friend of mine this weekend, but we will make sure that none of them fly and/or have red noses before we kill and eat them. Sorry Santa, but non-magical venison is the NOM! Seriously, you should try it sometime…maybe I’ll leave some deer jerky with the milk and cookies.

Onto the list—assuming of course that I’m not getting coal…which I could actually use in my grill next summer; so Nice or Naughty, I guess it’s a win-win for me.

First of all, I know that malaria and cancer and AIDS totally suck, but I think we’ve got a more problematic disease these days—Bieber Fever. If you could possibly leave a cure for that in my stocking; like puberty for JB or good taste for everybody else, that would be awesome.

In the same pop culture vein, can you somehow teach the women of the world that real men don’t sparkle and that Robert Pattinson is probably a bit of a mincing dandy in real life? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I don’t think any explanation is really needed for this one. I MUST HAVE THEM ALL and I’ve never even been tempted to watch “Jersey Shore”. (h/t Jennifer Bryant)

The Snooki ornament is life-sized.

A “Dislike” button for Facebook. It feels incredibly awkward hitting “Like” when somebody’s status says something like, “Found out my grandfather has the diabeetus and the only way he can control it is by growing a ginormous walrus ‘stache and giving himself frequent instant oatmeal injections.”.

New episodes of Firefly because you can’t stop the mother effin’ signal.

If you could please send some of your elves HERE to donate some money to help out this needy Nashville family, that would be amazing!

And finally…I know I ask this of you every year Santa, but could you possibly see your way clear to letting me have a kiss at New Year’s from a cute, single GIRL this time? That was SOOOO not cool of you last year, Santa. Dude had a beard and smelled like burnt Indian food. Gross.

Oh, and if you’re taking suggestions midnight New Year kissees, I would prefer Zooey Deschanel, but Alison Brie would be awesome too.

Thanks, Santa!

Sincerely,

Matty G Fresh

P.S. Although not as humorous, a laptop bag for my new 13″ MacBook Pro would be sweet. 🙂

Reading this while walking in a minefield of toys, while holding a bowl of popcorn is dangerous. Laughed hard, stepped on a Lego, and spilled the popcorn but still managed to come up laughing. #totalklutz #atleastthedogwashappyforthepopcorn #legosareevil
Enjoyed, as usual!