Having Premarital Sex Doesn’t Ruin You

God wants us to have pure thoughts and pure actions, which involves not having sex until you have a lifelong commitment to the other person (i.e. marriage). Everyone fails at keeping this kind of purity (Romans 3:23). Some people find it more difficult than others, but, regardless, this is difficult for everyone.

I’ve read a lot of sexual purity books. I’ve learned many helpful things, but I’ve also encountered troubling things. Pro-abstinence campaigns do a lot of good, but they also do some bad.

These pro-abstinence campaigns often make those who’ve had premarital sex feel shamed or worthless.

My hope and prayer is that this post will be comforting to those who have had premarital sex.

Just because you’ve had premarital sex doesn’t make you less holy than a “virgin”.

Jesus makes you clean by His death and resurrection, so that you aren’t dirty or impure. You aren’t worthless to Jesus. His forgiveness is real.

Pro-abstinence campaigns motivate young people to save sex for marriage through many teaching methods, but often these methods indirectly ridicule those who have had premarital sex. If you don’t have sex till marriage, you have a wonderful gift to give to your spouse. However, if you’ve had premarital sex, you don’t have a gift to give (or at least that’s what these campaigns indirectly communicate). They allege that you squandered that gift in a moment of passion.

If you’ve had premarital sex, then please understand that you haven’t lost your purity. Your purity isn’t based on what you do or don’t do, but instead your purity is based on what Jesus did (i.e. dying for your sins).

“Messing up” doesn’t make you lose your purity. The grace and love of God remains on you always, even after you “mess up”. Also, you’re not less holy than your “sexually pure” friends.

It’s been said, “True love waits”. This is a beautiful message. This gives hope to people like myself, who are trying to abstain from sex till their wedding night. However, there is more about true love that must be said.

True love waits, but true love also forgives.
Click to Tweet

Your future spouse won’t hold your sexual sins against you. They won’t fall out of love with you when you tell them that you’ve had premarital sex. True love forgives.

Your wedding will be one of the best days of both of your lives. You both will feel incredibly lucky to spend the rest of your lives with each other. They won’t feel disappointed about marrying you since you “messed up”. Also, the fact that you’ve had sex before won’t make you have no gift to give on your wedding day. You will have a beautiful gift to give your spouse: yourself.

Personally, I haven’t had sex yet. My hope and prayer is that I don’t have sex till my marriage. My main motivation for saving sex for marriage isn’t Jesus, but actually my future wife. I want to learn to be faithful to her, even before I meet her. However, I honestly don’t care if she’s had premarital sex.

I know some people really care about it, but I’m not one of them. I’ve actually dated girls who I knew had sex. I care more about what she’s doing now than what she’s done in the past. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of. I’m not the only person who feels this same way. I know countless girls/guys who feel the same way.

If you have had premarital sex, you still have a wonderful gift to give your future spouse.
Click to Tweet

40 COMMENTS

Thank you Jordan for this wonderful message. I was feeling so ashamed. I’ve been literally dizzy and sick to my stomache. Just from thinking about all the sins i’ve commited and how I just tainted a relationship with a girl I really like. God bless you man. I will try to go and sin no more.

David had many wives, eight of them are mentioned in the Bible, he also had multiple concubines, which are women he slept with who he was NOT married to. God did not smite his child for having PREMARITAL SEX — it was for having AN AFFAIR with another man’s wife, and then having that man murdered. Also, keep in mind, when the religious elders of the Jews gathered around the woman who had committed adultery to stone her, Jesus said, “Let you who is without sin throw the first stone.” You’ll note Jesus did not say, let you who who is without SEXUAL SIN, throw the first stone. That is because all is sin is SIN. God does not distinguish sexual sin from other sin. Lastly, their are plenty of VIRGINS who get married and do not experience fulfilling sex lives due to shame they feel about being sexual engrained by shamed base Christian teachings. Jesus did not operate in shame. He operated in love and we should do the same. Check out this blog by one such virgin:

All I have to say is thank you. I remember my youth pastor use to talk about how holding on to one thing doesn’t mean you have a true relationship with god or doesn’t make you a “True Christian” , I’m probably wording it wrong, but for example.. If you read your bible every single day, but don’t talk to God, don’t live for god, etc then where is the relationship? And as I was sitting through the service all that was flowing through my head was.. Virginity.. Virginity.. At the time I was still a Virgin, I grew up in church since my mom works there, and assumed my relationship with God was pretty stable, & I was quite proud that I had gone all my life with absolutely no sexual contact unlike majority of my friends, until somehow someway about a year later I lost my virginity. Once I lost it, I felt as if I had jumped off the cliff, I realized that I was holding on to my virginity.. That was my sanctuary.. I believed that having my virginity, remaining pure, was what was keeping me close to god, when in reality after I lost my virginity I noticed that I was never fully stable in my relationship with God.. And I believe since I wasn’t stable and consistent in my relationship with him, and had freedom from my parents, it allowed me to follow my bodies desires than God’s desires. Now, I live with the guilt of feeling as if I’ve let down everyone, & it’s hard when people tell me they are proud of me, not knowing the truth. But honestly, having sex before marriage is just like any other sin, but we tend to boost this one up more, because it “affects” how your marriage will be, which can be true, but so does other things, if you go into a marriage with any other “unholy” desires, can affect a marriage in my opinion. Anyways, it is now my job to start believing that my virginity did not make me special, and that no matter what, I am always a gem in God’s eyes. For those of you who have lost your virginity and feel as if your life is a bust, pick your head up, look in the mirror and see how beautiful or handsome you truly are. Loosing your virginity does not define you! God defines you 🙂

You absolutely shouldn’t be blogging. You should instead be focused on actually living out the mission of Jesus as a young guy and not assume you, a “young dude, youth intern” are a ministry expert. Stop blogging and start living the mission, and save the blogging for when you’re 35-40 and actually know what you’re talking about.

Jordan, some of your thoughts are good, especially the implication that we idolize virginity too much. If people who are no longer virgins have NOTHING to give to their spouses, how in the world does that make rape/molestation victims feel? However, you are incorrect when you say that willfully having sex before marriage ruins you. It DOES ruin you . . . just as *any* sin should ruin you. Having willful premarital sex does make you dirty and impure, as does all sin. There should be a sense of shame about one’s transgression against God, otherwise there cannot be true repentance – you don’t beg for forgiveness from someone if you feel like you’ve done nothing wrong. In Psalm 51, we see a great example of this; after David committed adultery with Bathsheba, he cried out to God because of his shame, even saying that “My sin is always before me.” It’s true that once we have been forgiven in Christ, we should not wallow in self-pity, but it is very dangerous to neglect the fact that shame is a necessary step to true repentance and reconciliation with Christ.

Just to clear up the sex before marriage is not a sin….Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s. (1 Corinthians 6:18-20 KJV)

Thank you for writing this post Jordan. I only had sex with my wife before we were married. Sometimes when I ear premarital sex I feel shameful that I didn’t control myself before marriage. This was happening at the same time I was looking at gay porn. Porn was the sin that put to death many of my dreams. In James 1: 14-16 it says “but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” Porn caused the death to my teaching job and many other things. God’s grace has delivered me from my porn addiction. The chains are gone and I feel freedom. I can’t wait for your book to come out. God is going to change lives because of your book. I feel that I was on tis Earth to do so much for God. I want God to use me to reach the men of my church who are secretly and silently struggling with porn.

I have belonged to LCMS during childhood, and was always taught sex was for procreation and not recreation.
After having gone the recreational route a lot in my later life,
and after having done plenty of research…
I still don’t see anywhere in the Bible where pre-marital sex is neither an issue, or mentioned for that matter.
Nor have I seen one that mentions sex being anything “impure”.
In fact the only verses to do with sex being a sin was usually in ties to idolatrous practices, such as in the book of Romans.
I am seeing all over this blog that basically says “we’re impure if we have premarital sex”….
But I see no scriptural support at all.
If the Bible doesn’t say its impure, is it really impure? Or has 1st Century AD style thinking just perpetuated this far and convinced people that’s how we ought to live?
I’m just sort of ranting…. loved the blog. But still more questions than answers for me.

This is an encouraging post, no doubt. I think the author has done a wonderful thing by encouraging those of us who have engaged in premarital sex. However there’s no doubt about the fact that premarital sex is a sin. God intended sex to be between husband and wife, because sex is a physical parallel to being joined together in marriage. Marriage is not just about signing a piece of paper, but being joined together by Christ. That being said, engaging in premarital sex before marriage is a distortion of what God intended. The same goes for mastubation. While not directly involving someone else, engaging in masturbation puts your mind in a position to lust after someone else. Here again, I believe that masturbation is a distortion of what God intends for us sexually. It is vitally important to understand what is sinful. But, the beautiful thing to remember is that Jesus died for us, and we can always be forgiven as long as we are truly repentant.

I couldn’t have said it better myself! Any sex outside of marriage is sinful, but just because we have made mistakes, does not mean that we cannot repent and be forgiven. There is hope for those who have made mistakes.

This is the most beautiful post I’ve read in awhile. I’ve sadly struggled with not feeling loved, and messed up and gave my virginity away – to with my exboyfriend – to achieve the feeling of love and acceptance I was missing. I am now so ashamed, and haven’t even told anyone because I’m so painfully humiliated… I wish I would have saved virginity for marriage and in fact now I feel so much more unlovable, and like I devalued myself so hugely that no good guy could ever love me. Thank you for writing this… I am so encouraged by this post. It sheds light on so many things I’ve struggled with over the past couple of months. Thank you again!!

This is the most beautiful post I’ve read in awhile. I’ve sadly struggled with not feeling loved, and messed up and gave my virginity away – to with my exboyfriend – to achieve the feeling of love and acceptance I was missing. I am now so ashamed, and haven’t even told anyone because I’m so painfully humiliated… I wish I would have saved virginity for marriage and in fact now I feel so much more unlovable, and like I devalued myself so hugely that no good guy could ever love me. Thank you for writing this… I am so encouraged by this post. It sheds light on so many things I’ve struggled with over the past couple of months. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Premarital sex isn’t a sin. It isn’t always a good idea though. Someone shouldn’t feel ashamed for having sex before they sign a piece of paper. And masturbation (for the girl that asked months ago) is also not a sin. It has several benefits, besides feeling amazing: it’s great for mental & physical health, protection against stds, you learn about your sexuality & what gets you off, enhances sex, improves body image, self-esteem, sleep, reduces stress, strengthens muscles, etc. 😉 nothing to be ashamed of, as a man or woman.

God can always take the “mess” we make and redeem it. But it’s always better to just follow his plan. And it’s ok to call it better, even if it may make some people feel bad that they didn’t wait. I think a little regret is ok, as long as you don’t let it define you or make you forget who you are in Christ. But that’s on you, not on the one who is talking about the difference between good, better, best, and yes even bad.

Don’t know how I missed this blog, but I’m glad you shared the link again. Probably my favorite blog you’ve written. Thank you for writing it…it’s an underspoken for topic. I appreciate this more than you know.

Hey Jordan,
I love that you’ve come at this from a different angle then the usual. It is nice for people to know that they’re not ‘ruined’. However, I would like to give a little testimony just to explain the real impact that premarital sex can have on your marriage. My husband and I had premarital sex, and it hurt us long into our marriage. I felt dirty and like a little slut and hated sex with him even after marriage. It took YEARS to fix this way of thinking, and that is also why I like your article, because you make good points that anyone who does have premarital sex within the church, is usually going to have a very negative view of themselves and of sex in general. This is a dangerous place after your married to be, since it should be something wonderful, enjoyable and to be celebrated between a man and wife. But for us, it wasn’t. I did feel “ruined”. And even though I knew God forgave me, I couldn’t shake the feeling. Now after almost 12 years of marriage, our sex life has improved significantly. But only after years of pain, confusion and frustration on both our parts. PRE-MARITAL SEX IS NOT WORTH IT PEOPLE!!!!! Don’t do it!!!! It will never be worth it.

Dear Brittany,
The only two reasons that you can get a divorce in the Bible are #1. An unbelieving spouse abandons you (meaning they want nothing more to do with the marriage) or #2. you get cheated on. Some pastors still go ultra conservative and won’t remarry divorced people, just because you can never be too sure that there isn’t things that they’re hiding from you. But it is not a sin to remarry (from the research I’ve done) if you’ve been divorced for these reasons. However there’s a catch. Let’s use my in-laws as an example. My father-in-law cheated on my mother-in-law, so the Bible says it’s OK for her to remarry and she remains sinless. However my father-in-law’s only two options are to remarry her or never get married again (to anyone other then her) because he was the one who broke the marriage. I don’t have the Bible verses on hand to back these claims up, but they’re in there. Do your research. And BTW-God also makes it very clear that even if the offending party does want to have a relationship with you again, you under no circumstances are required to do so. They have broken a massive trust that would be incredibly difficult to ever repair. Not impossible (some couples make it) but a very painful process.

My dad got married to his first wife before he was saved and then later they got a divorce. After he met Jesus and surrendered his life to him he met my mom, and then got married. They have a healthy Godly marriage, so no I don’t think that’s a sin. But you should still be causious and truly seek The Lord about it. I believe that if God brings a man into your life it’s going to be someone that inspires you to love Christ more and helps you grow in your relationship with him:)

This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for writing it. Feeling “ruined” is something I struggle with every single day so thank you. Seriously. Even after repentance, turning away and understanding that Christ washes me clean, even at 25, I still hear that talk during youth group in the back of my mind that convicts me and makes me feel terrible.

Thank you for finally saying this! I used to think that if someone’s had sex before marriage, they are worthless. Until it was me. Then I realized that I am forgiven, along with everyone else. And even if it’s just one mistake, everyone makes them, just in different ways. Also I love your “true love waits” idea. I have also come to realize something with this saying: just because I didn’t wait to have sex the first time- doesn’t mean that I am not waiting now. I am waiting now… And it’s even worse. Because now I know what it’s like, and having that knowledge is even harder to wait. But with Gods help I am doing it, and someday I’ll be able to tell my future husband, that though I did make the mistake, I changed and then I waited for him, too.

Thank you so much for writing this. I had premarital sex and stopped because I knew in my heart it wasn’t right. I asked for Gods forgiveness but I think I never actually forgave myself fully. I really need to hear something like this so thank you Jordan, I know God put this in your heart to write for many reasons. God bless.

Natalie, I totally know exactly what you’re talking about. I really believed Jesus had forgiven me and even that God had forgotten but I still was mad at myself for it. It made me try to rationalize it, justify it, and deny it. But it’s a part of me. God sees all sins as equal and no one can make me feel any differently about this sin that I’ve repented for than any other sin like gossip etc.

Jordan, In your book are you going to cover what defines a marriage? Marriage today is approved by our government and is way different than a marriage or a wedding would have been in Jesus’ day. Do you think God cares about going through all of the legal aspects of getting married in the eyes of our government?

Why is it so important to be a virgin when the man isn’t?
Men have no incentive to abstain, in fact, they are encouraged to sow their wild oats. When women want to be married but no one will pursue them to that end, it is very difficult to accept knowing you gave no power to change the situation. Women need to feel they are pretty,feminine, attractive, and pursuable to men and not “rotting on the vine” because no one wants them. They naturally crave human connection, attention, and physical intimacy. This lack drives women to seek sexual gratification, because they are waiting for something they will never have. They know that God does not reward waiting to have sex, with a husband anyway. They take the
stand, “Better to have loved and lost than to have never to hsve loved at all”. I am in that position. I was married for a long time.
and my husband left me for a married woman. They both have since divorced and married. I have prayed to God to meet a godly man
for s very long time with no response. I see no reason to deny single
woman. They want the very same things married women have. It
is a normal desire we were created to have. To withhold it is cruel,
All Christian women should have spouses if they want them.

It still blows me away why the government cannot figure out how much taxes each person owes automatically. Theoretically, they should have access to most of my records – T4, investment income.For most people can’t they just collect ahead of time?

Why is it so important to be a virgin when the man isn’t?
Men have no incentive to abstain, in fact, they are encouraged to sow their wild oats. When women want to be married but no one will pursue them to that end, it is very difficult to accept knowing you gave no power to change the situation. Women need to feel they are pretty,feminine, attractive, and pursuable to men and not “rotting on the vine” because no one wants them. They naturally crave human connection, attention, and physical intimacy. This lack drives women to seek sexual gratification, because they are waiting for something they will never have. They know that God does not reward waiting to have sex, with a husband anyway. They take the
stand, “Better to have loved and lost than to have never to hsve loved at all”. I am in that position. I was married for a long time.
and my husband left me for a married woman. They both have since divorced and married. I have prayed to God to meet a godly man
for s very long time with no response. I see no reason to deny single
woman. They want the very same things married women have. It
is a normal desire we were created to have. To withhold it is cruel,
All Christian women should have spouses if they want them.