How Emotional Baggage Can Improve Your Marriage

Everybody comes into a relationship dragging along issues from their past, but — if handled well — those lingering issues can actually bring you closer together. Here's how to make those skeletons work for you.

The conflict: His jealous streak is making you shut down

The conflict: His jealous streak is making you shut down

He once confided that his father was a womanizer, and he thinks he may have cheated on his mother. It seems like he's moved past it, but some recent behavior is making you feel otherwise. "Lingering insecurity can show up in seemingly unconnected ways," explains Dr. Tammy Nelson, a couples psychotherapist and author of The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity. "He may put you in situations that feel like a test. For example, he asks you to meet him out after work, but then shows up later than expected to see if you get lured in to talking to another man while you're waiting." To keep the peace, you may find yourself shutting down or rearranging your schedule to spend more time with your husband just because it's easier than another fight. "Feeling like you have to change your personality is a clue that it's probably not about you, but your husband's unresolved issues," Dr. Nelson explains.

How to handle it

How to handle it

Focus on how his actions make you feel. Broad statements like, "you're always so jealous" will just put him on the defensive. Instead, simply state the results of his recent actions, phrasing it as a "When...it did this" clause, like: "When you came into the restaurant and immediately questioned whether I'd been talking to another man, it made me feel like you don't trust me." Setting up the statement this way helps him see how he could be causing the behavior he's so afraid of, and how he could do things differently. "Keeping the focus on our universal feelings helps your partner remember you're still on his side; and he'll be more likely to see what happened from your perspective, because you're talking in a shared language." While dealing with the jealousy head-on may be uncomfortable in the moment, working through something so loaded is great communication practice. "Ultimately, you'll start to feel like there's nothing you can't talk about, since you'll trust that you and your partner can work through it," says Dr. Nelson.