NERCHINSK, RUSSIA—Quickly unlocking one cell door after another as he shuffled down the dimly lit hallway in his tattered prison-issued jumpsuit, a gaunt, weathered Secretary of State John Kerry led an inmate uprising Tuesday in a remote Siberian labor camp, sources confirmed.

HAWIJA, IRAQ—Responding to his captors’ demands that he divulge who he is and what he was doing in the region, kidnapped journalist Tim Cascella reportedly found himself Thursday having to explain to several ISIS militants what BuzzFeed News is.

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

VATICAN CITY—Receiving protection against chemical, environmental, and immoral hazards in the workplace, Pope Francis reportedly began wearing a miter fitted with a hard polycarbonate faceshield this week to comply with the Vatican’s new health and safety standards.

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

PYONGYANG—Experiencing a deep sense of nostalgia while sifting through the stack of old papers, North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un reportedly stumbled onto childhood drawings Monday that he had made of nuclear attacks on the West.

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to strengthen their relationship and foster interfaith dialogue, Pope Francis reportedly welcomed the winged Mayan snake god Kukulkan to the Vatican this week as part of a month-long deity exchange program.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to improve America’s ranking in the global technology sector, the U.S. Department of Education unveiled a new STEM initiative Friday designed to discourage students in other countries from choosing careers in science and math.

‘Time For Work,’ Says German Chancellor

ATHENS, GREECE—Following a sudden high-pitched squeal of audio feedback, the 11 million citizens of Greece were reportedly woken up at 6 a.m. Wednesday by German chancellor Angela Merkel informing them over loudspeakers that it was time for work.

WASHINGTON—Highlighting the gaping security holes that continue to persist 15 years after the attacks, an encouraging report released Thursday by radical extremist think tank the Caliphate Institute determined that the United States is no safer than it was before 9/11.

WASHINGTON—Ahead of the highly anticipated Summer Olympics in Rio, millions of weary and emotionally exhausted Americans expressed excitement Friday at getting the chance to watch the socio-political failings of another country for two weeks.

WASHINGTON—Bowing their heads as they solemnly shuffled single-file past Capitol Hill, leaders from around the world reportedly poured into Washington, D.C. this week to pay their last respects to the dying nation.

NICE, FRANCE—In the wake of the Bastille Day terrorist attack in Nice, France that killed 84 people and injured over 200 more, humankind told reporters Friday it was hoping it would only have to put up with a few more millennia of this shit.

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

VATICAN CITY—Racing frantically through St. Peter’s Square toward the sound of the Supreme Pontiff’s agonized cries, members of the Vatican’s Swiss Guard reportedly charged and surrounded a colossal writhing mass of black tentacles Wednesday that was devouring Pope Francis.

WASHINGTON—In the wake of Prime Minister David Cameron’s announcement that he would leave office following the United Kingdom’s vote to exit the European Union, tens of millions of Americans expressed their confusion to reporters Friday about a system of government in which a leader would resign after making a terrible decision.

SAINT-ÉTIENNE, FRANCE—Midway through Friday’s Euro 2016 group stage match between the Czech Republic and Croatia, sources confirmed that, oh good, the sound of an explosion that just echoed throughout the stadium was only a fan firing an enormous flare gun.

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

WASHINGTON—In an urgent warning posted online Tuesday by the U.S. State Department, American citizens traveling to the Netherlands were strongly advised to avoid the “extremely lame” Amsterdam windmill tour.

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Hamas Calls For 'Giant Summit' With All Israelis

RAMALLAH, WEST BANKAfter his militant Islamic party took the majority in Palestine's recent elections, Ismail Haniyeh called for a "giant summit with all living Israelis" Monday, rekindling international hopes for peace in the war-torn region.

Haniyeh characterized the one-day summit as "the final solution to the Israeli-Palestinian dispute," and invited every Jewish citizen of the world to attend. Haniyeh said he expects more than 5 million participants from Israel alone.

"It was foolish of us to think that a satisfactory resolution could be reached through small-scale aggression," Haniyeh said. "It will take more than the sporadic deaths of small groups of Israeli civilians to achieve our ends."

"This summit is long overdue," he added.

Haniyeh, who once said that Palestinian independence could only be achieved through the destruction of Israel, has apparently reversed his stance.

"It is clear to us now that a positive outcome will not be possible unless many, many sacrifices are made," Haniyeh said. "I give my word that the Israeli people shall have their cries for peace heard for miles around."

Haniyeh did not disclose the issues that will be discussed at the summit, saying only that he "would be very surprised if the entire process took longer than a couple of hours."

Haniyeh also extended an invitation to any high-ranking American official who would like to moderate the proceedings.

"We will achieve our goals with or without foreign help," Haniyeh said. "However, if George W. Bush or other top-level U.S. officials wish to attend, it would certainly make those first, most difficult steps a lot easier to take."

In a public statement Tuesday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad endorsed the "Hamas-led peace process," and offered the use of Tehran's Azadi Stadium as an "impartial location away from the distracting glare of publicity."

"It is about time for a summit of this nature," Ahmadinejad said. "The people of Iran will do anything they can to help further this crucial process."

According to Haniyeh, Israelis need only arrive with an open mind, insisting that the summit can have a positive outcome only if traditional and long-standing prejudices "are left at the door, along with any weapons, gas masks, or bulletproof vests."

"Security is of the utmost importance, which is why the summit will be watched over by my most loyal and experienced men," Haniyeh said. "To this end, every Israeli will also be marked with a six-digit protection number."

Hamas has already gone to significant lengths to ensure that Israeli Jews will be able to attend the summit, including transportation via specially chartered freight trains.

"Very much like a cleansing fire, the summit will wipe the slate of Arab-Jewish relations utterly and irreversibly clean," Haniyeh said. "By the end of our negotiations, those who walk out of the summit will be very pleased."

"With the blessing of Allah, we will soon see every last obstacle standing in the path to harmony exterminated," Haniyeh added. "Like the filthy dogs they are."

No official response to Hamas' summit proposal has yet been made. However, it is widely believed that acting Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and his cabinet will propose an alternative mass summit to which Hamas party officials and their Palestinian supporters will be similarly welcomed.