Not that there’s anything left on earth that anyone really wants or needs to know about me, but I’ve received several “Ask Pioneer Woman” questions via email over the past several months and thought I’d start off Monday with a bang. Or a fizzle, whichever way you happen to look at this collection of mundane factoids about my little life.

What’s your idea of hell on earth?
Waiting in line. Trying to race a bunch of people to get something, like tickets or items on sale. Watching a NASCAR race. (I’m sorry, NASCAR fans. I really am. I’ve tried, though, and it’s just not gonna happen for me.)

What’s your favorite thing to shop for?
Kitchen tools at a restaurant supply store. Or photography equipment.
Have you ever taken prescription painkillers?
Only once, after my emergency c-section. But I imposed a one-bottle limit on myself because of all the summers I spent working at my dad’s medical office. I saw firsthand the insidious grip of painkiller addiction, and I knew enough to know that no one is immune. And I stopped after one bottle; I never got it refilled.

But I sure did want to.

What’s the most difficult thing you’ve ever experienced?
Probably the divorce of my parents. As an adult, it was a heartwrenching experience. Awful.

Can I get an “amen?”

My God, your burps are loud! Did you know you can apply to Guinness for the “Loudest Burp” record? I would encourage you to do so.
Thank you for the encouragement! But I really don’t know what you’re talking about. I have never burped in my life. Never. Ever. No one can prove a thing.
Are you doing a Pioneer Woman 2009 Calendar?
*Gulp* The honest answer is, I don’t know. I was in the process of getting them done, and realized very late in the process that I was going to have to change to a different printer than I used last year. By then it was late November, and once I added the printing and shipping time, I knew there was no way I could guarantee calendars by Christmas, which would sort of defeat the purpose. I do have the design ready as well as a new printer, but I haven’t pulled the trigger yet. Let me know if you’re interested in a calendar after Christmas, and I’ll consider whipping some out.

2008 has been a crazy time for my cerebellum. I need one of those assistants I keep hearing about people having. If only I lived in civilization, I might actually be able to get one.

Actually, never mind. I’d just drive an assistant crazy. I’ll just use my punks instead.

Do you ever get bored in the country?
I long to be bored. But between Charlie and the wild horses that keep breaking into my yard, boredom is ever-elusive.

I repeat: I long to be bored. It’s my life’s ambition. It’s really all I want for myself.

What are your goals for your children?
Overall goals? Life goals? I’d say the number one wish I have for my children is that they grow up to be kind. Kindness, in my opinion, is the greatest quality.

After that, I’d say I’d like them to be nerdy. I’m just being honest here. I’m projecting my lifelong love of nerds onto them. If all my children grew up to be major nerds, I’d be tickled to death. And I’m talking TRUE nerds, like George McFly in Back to the Future.
Oh. Did your question have to do with career or success? Because if it did, I have no answer for you.

I’m just being honest here. I assume that’s what you want.

Are you in good shape?
In a word: no. I’m in terrible shape right now—the result of a summer spent writing a cookbook. But by my birthday, I intend to look like Bo Derek in 1980. Minus the tan. And the boobs. And the cornrows. And the narrow pelvis, considering I’ve had four kids and all.

When is your cookbook coming out?
It’ll be out mid-2009. It has to print overseas, which’ll take many months.
What do you use for birth control?
Huh?

Are you pregnant right now?
I don’t think so.

Would you like to hold public office?
Hahahahahaha Hohohohohoho Hahahah! HA! HO! HA! Ha. Ho.

No.

What Christmas music are you listening to?
To me, Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without Johnny Mathis. If you aren’t listening to Johnny Mathis, your Christmas is seriously lacking! My second favorite is John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together. Listening to Miss Piggy sing “Christmas is coming—the goose is getting fat…” is as much a part of my holiday tradition as eating the entire rum cake my mother-in-law makes.

Ooops. Did I just say that?

What would ‘Ree the L.A. Sushi Queen’ think of ‘Ree the Pioneer Woman’?
Sushi Queen would not believe that four kids would be in the future. Never, ever, ever.
Sushi Queen would have thought homeschooling was for denim-jumper-wearing fundamentalists.
Sushi Queen would never have believed she’d settle down in Oklahoma.
Sushi Queen would have had a chemical resurfacing by now, and possibly some sort of breast procedure, because it would have been handy and convenient.

Pioneer Woman is glad she’s not Sushi Queen. Though she would like to eat sushi more.

What’s the greatest thing you’ve ever done?
Have a fourth child. Though I can’t really take credit for it—it was all Marlboro Man’s doing. Seriously, he…
Never mind.

I’ll just assume you’d like me to stop there.

Do negative comments bother you?
Not too much. I’m just doing what I’m doing, as well as I can do it, based on what’s going on in my life on any given day. Not everyone has to love it—in fact, it wouldn’t be real life if everyone did.

Remember: I hate NASCAR. Different strokes for different humans. There are some websites that don’t interest me much, and the same goes for some people and my site.

But for those of you who do enjoy aspects of my site, that satisfies me to the core.

If you could have any quality, what would it be?
I like to be able to sing.
I’d like to have better short-term memory.
I’d like to have more energy.
I’d like to be able to subsist on three hours of sleep.
I’d like to be tan.
I’d like to be organized.
I’d like to have DSL.
I’d like to be more generous with my time.
I’d like to be less scatterbrained.
I’d like…

Oh, did you just want one? Sorry. There are lots of things I wish I was. I fall short.
When is your new set of Pioneer Woman Actions coming out?
Today! They’re here. And they’re free. Just the way I like ‘em. I really like this set. They’re vintagy and different.

Have you ever written anything on your website that you’ve regretted?
Well, I regret that I used James’ real name in the Black Heels to Tractor Wheels saga. I wish I’d called him Herman or something.
I have no reason to believe James has even read it; in fact, I’m sure he hasn’t. But I think it would sting a little less if I’d used the name Herman.
Or maybe Stanley.

This opens up the whole topic of censoring/changing things you’ve written after the fact. I could have gone back and changed the name in all the chapters. I considered it. But I just…well, I didn’t.

austin goddess On Monday, December 8 at 4:39 pm

LOVE IT. LOVE IT. I cracked up on the homeschooling answer. I was raised as one of those denim jumper homeschoolers. I was pretty scarred for life, but I turned out pretty freaking awesome in spite of that, and when it came time to start school for my kiddoes I chose to home school them as well. I avoid all denimy jumperish type things alltogether now. Avoid them totally.

Soooo, clothes shopping is boring and you long to be bored. Therefore, you long to be shopping for clothes. I HATE shopping for clothes, but I wouldn’t call it boring because I too long to be bored. The mall is hell and the snooty little sales clerks are demons. Some of the salespeople are really nice though. The nice ones are just trapped in hell and wishing they could get out like me. It’s the ones who look down their noses and say, “Maybe you should try the Misses section, *Ma’am*. You’re in Juniors.”

NASCAR to me is a lot like UFC only louder and more dangerous. UFC is too much for me to handle. Will someone please make them stop holding matches in my garage, front “lawn”, living room, dining room, family room, and bedroom (when I’m reading no less)?

Christine in Maine On Monday, December 8 at 4:50 pm

Uh, having children causes one’s pelvis to change size? I’m a little lost now.

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Jeanie On Monday, December 8 at 5:25 pm

My parents got divorced when I was a baby, and that’s definitely the way to go. I have no memory of it so I can’t miss what I never knew. I actually hate seeing pictures of them together from the past. It seems so WRONG. I got all freaked out at my wedding 6 months ago when our photographer made just the two of them pose with us. I actually whispered, “this is awkward” to my husband.

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Sharon in WA On Monday, December 8 at 5:26 pm

Loved your post. I’m with you on Nascar…yuck! I also loved your comment about nerds. I married one, and our only daughter is one; both engineers. We’re also quarter horse people, so being a horse loving nerd is not unusual.

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Kari On Monday, December 8 at 5:35 pm

You’re awesome, and amazing. You make me laugh out loud and I obsessively check your site. Thanks for doing what you do….I don’t know what I’d do if you decided to stop (except be more productive and bake less fattening foods :))

I LOVE the John Denver and the Muppets Christmas album!!! I recieved the record for my 4th Christmas and have listened to it every year since. I teach elementary school music and now they all listen to it every year, too!

I get paid for being an assistant. Great references. If I can live in the lodge then I can organise you – let me know!

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Amy from Steeler Country On Monday, December 8 at 5:50 pm

Seriously, PW–You are the BEST! I wish I lived near you cuz I think we could “party like a rockstar” all the time. No, kidding–we’d be boring but I sure the heck would love to help you cook. well, really, I’d like to have you help ME cook or maybe let me play in your flour/sugar drawers! I love reading your site because seriously, you are funny as heck and your cook like a foodnetwork cowgirl star. Do you read? That would be MY question for you–do you get to read for fun? And um…I’m with you on that Nascar thing… (ducking) sorry!!!!

I like the Question + Answer section–I too listen to John Denver at Christmas ,but also Johnny Cash– My gifted boy (who is 14 years young) I bribe him-to sing all the Johnny songs I love .Oh JOY!!!It is sooo fun!!
Divorce I wish I couldn’t relate on that one..I just hope and pray I never have to go thru it personally.Divorce is painful for any Child no matter the age,but God is good it has made me very determined + committed to my own hubby!! —God bless you in all you do!

As a bona fide Hollywood assistant for the last 6 years, I can honestly say that you would not scare me off. You went to USC, you lived in LA, you must know how Hollywood folk can be. “Think Devil Wears Prada,” but without the free clothes. I love being an assistant. I’m awesome at it.

If you ever need one, seriously.

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Theresa in Alberta On Monday, December 8 at 6:10 pm

UM,,I am on one of your most (maybe) obsessive PW site reader, but Ree honey I donot need to know about your birth control and us readers are very sure MM is responsible in more ways than one for punk number 4 In one of your early videos (2006) MM calls you mama (very sweet) and you are even sitting on a horse!!! If you were to have a punk number 5, all of us PW commentors would be here for you cheering you on and offering advice and begging to come out to help ya. I am also sure your grandmother(s) mother,father, siblings, in law family, relatives and acquaintances are very proud and honored to know you. I think I know more about you than my best friend of 30 years. I donot care if you are wealthy, middle, or dirt poor!!! I would NEVER have the courage to open myself up like you do on this blog for fear of any negative criticism. I used to turn my self inside out, and upside down to please the whole world. My 21 year old son and his friends race made over vechicles. it is redneck racing at its best on a oval dirt track. down and dirty and lots of fun. The only NASCAR race they watch is the INDI 500. Thanks for being my internet friend. HEY, I have a suggestion, next year produce a recipe calender.

Wow. That was a lot of questions. How on earth did you find time to sift through and answer them all? I’m right there with you on the Muppets. In fact as I was listening to the all Christmas all the time music station on the way home this evening listening to Gonzo sing “now bring me some figgy pudding” (and interject bacon) made me laugh out loud. I simply must add it to my playlist!

I’d like to extend my condolences to 317 Kay Lee Kelley. I am fortunately a heart attack survivor at age 40. My own Mother was a wreck. I’m very sorry to hear of your loss. God needs her.

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Vanessa On Monday, December 8 at 6:54 pm

Wow! Your Pioneer Women at the top of this post totally looks like Shelley Long of “Cheers”. Just sayin’

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hana On Monday, December 8 at 7:04 pm

I’d buy a calendar if you made one….

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Sandy On Monday, December 8 at 7:04 pm

I question when you say you would like to be organized. Gosh…you run circles around most of us. I get tired just reading your blog after teaching all day.

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Carol Q On Monday, December 8 at 7:10 pm

BTW!! Please don’t use this picture at the beginning of anything EXCEPT if you are giving us another addition of
High heels to tractor wheels. You got my heart rate up and going pitter-patter until I realized it wasn’t. Sniff, sniff. BUT, if you must use the picture, I’ll let you ’cause I know that you’re just keeping your confessions real.

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Denise On Monday, December 8 at 7:19 pm

YES! I am one that wrote you about the calendar….and I don’t care if it is after Christmas either. I want one for myself! I cannot WAIT for the cookbook either but I know that isn’t until later, so the calendar will tide me over (along with your blog!) until then.

BP On Monday, December 8 at 7:28 pm

Amusing random info. I understand how being called Mama by MM makes you feel. a HUGE thank you for the actions too! Can’t wait to try those out. Especially the eye one. No, really. Tired of doing that by hand. Guess I should actually start taking more pics to use it on, huh.

I want a calendar! I didn’t know you last yr, not that I know you this yr, but you know what I mean. So does the calendar have pics of horses and cows, or recipe’s, or photo tips, … or WHAT! I don’t care. I JUST WANT ONE! After C-mas is fine.

I’ll be happy to be your “anyone” for thanksgiving any year. (Granted, that also includes my own 4 punks, but I call them monkeys. Which I herd. You – cattle, me – monkeys) I loved the casualness of your celebration. And I get that if you said “everyone” that we would ALL show up, all 13,000 of us followers. Or whatever your numbers. (see tday post comments)

We’ll let you have your b/c as your one little secret. But I totally get how the hubby is responsible for the 4th child. If mine wasn’t so gosh derned cute, I’d still be mad at him. But love him I do. Hubby. Well, baby too.

I never hated Nascar, but I never understood it until my friends drug me to a race in North Wilkesboro, NC. The power of the engines, the fact that they go 200 mph without enough room to pass a piece of paper between them and DON’T touch… well… it can be hypnotic, at least occasionally. If you ever get invited to a short track, go and give it a try!

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Penny Wolf On Monday, December 8 at 8:33 pm

Kay Lee Kelly I am sorry for your living hell. It’s true that we all have some kind of battle….and it hurts.

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Theresa On Monday, December 8 at 8:39 pm

Yes! I’d purchase the calendar. Love your stories, and your site. It’s the first place I go everynight when I get on my computer.

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Iris On Monday, December 8 at 9:06 pm

I like today’s Confessions ‘header’…looks just like you ‘cept I reckon you keep your shirt buttoned up a bit better….: }

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Jenn On Monday, December 8 at 9:15 pm

Okay…please, please, please put out the 2009 calendar! I’d SO buy one after Christmas!!

Also, thanks for letting us get to know you a bit better. You also brought back some fond memories of the Muppets which made me realize that my children don’t know the Muppets –gasp!– Now I have a mission to familiarize them with all of my favorites! Thanks!

Linda On Monday, December 8 at 11:05 pm

Beach Mom On Monday, December 8 at 11:05 pm

Amen on the parents’ divorce. I too was an adult and it was terrible. Made me think my childhood was a farce.
By the way Ree, I wrote Oprah and told her she should do a show on you…I haven’t heard back…yet:)

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Liz On Monday, December 8 at 11:40 pm

I discovered your blog not to long ago, and just wanted to tell you, I want to move to Okiehoma and be your neighbor so we can have burbing contests and light our farts on fire!! he, he, I love, love, your site, you make me laugh till I pee. I look at it everyday now. :}

KimP On Monday, December 8 at 11:43 pm

There was a calendar last year? What? Where was I? I was here, I swear!! Anyway, I’ll order two this year to make up for missing last years!
It’s always fun to learn more about you! At least nobody has asked what kind of toothpaste you use. Oh wait, somebody probably has!

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Say What? On Tuesday, December 9 at 12:08 am

John Denver and The Muppets Christmas is the BEST!! My kids love it too. I even have the tv special on DVD and they crack up watching it.

We are so much alike – except for the things that we don’t have in common.

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melissa On Tuesday, December 9 at 12:23 am

I heard MM call you “Mama” once, on one of the video clips (the one where they’re on the cutting horses, I think … he says “Here’s Mama” as you gallop up on your horse. It sounded … full and sexy!! It sounded adoring. It was nice!

Thank you so much for the Q&A’s Ree. You should have them more often, like once a week or so. They are very interesting to read.

Now, I never heard anything about a calendar Ree. You should still put one out, even if you can’t print it for delivery by Xmas. Why can’t you just put it online and let us download it? I’m sure a lot of us would be eager for it. And I can’t wait for your cookbook….tell the printer people to hurry it up!!!!

English is an ever-changing language – hooray for its wobbles and bumps! – but do you realize that you’re using “factoid” in a sense that is not-quite-acceptable English (yet)?

You see, a factoid is actually something that is presented as a fact but which is NOT true. While Merriam-Webster does acknowledge a *secondary* definition for factoid as “a trivial fact,” Granddaddy OED has yet to cave to this recent usage.

Then again, reading your answers as if they are mischievous lies meant to sound real is kind of a fun twist, so, um… carry on?

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Nicole On Tuesday, December 9 at 1:02 am

I have just finished crying and laughing so loud from the burp clips that I think I woke my landlord up… The one that cracked me was with the children on about Gee and then you…

It’s so funny that you were talking about assistants because just the other day I was dreaming what it would be like to live on a farm and learn the ropes… But I’m such an administrative assistant that I would go crazy not to do it too.. Watching your videos made me want to give up everything I’m doing now and move over to you and get to work… I am so not a city girl but I live city because I refuse to go back to the small town that I was born and raised in!

Oh my goodness. I thought I was the only person in the known world who still loved John Denver and the Muppets Christmas! We originally had the vinyl record album and over the years we recorded it on tape and as technology improved we have it now on CD….. WOW! I just have one question did you ever watch the actual John Denver and The Muppest Christmas Special. We did years and years ago and can NOT fin it on tape or DVD for the life of us. We search every year. We heard that his wife won’t release it but oh how I wish she would. It is the best christmas special EVER!!!!!! WOW! I am just so over the moon that someone enjoys it as much as our family. My favorite part is when John Denver is telling the story of the Christmas tree…. I get chills thinking about it. He has such an AMAZING voice…. good stuff!!!!!

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Deenie On Tuesday, December 9 at 3:29 am

Thanks for the info………..I think I love you even more now! And yes……….calenders, please!

I didn’t think I could love you any more, but then you said you wanted your kids to be nerds. ME TOO. And if I remarry I want to marry a nerd. MM is no nerd and neither are you, so good luck with those kids – but I’m pretty sure they’ll have the kindness thing down. Oh and the burping, yeah – my love increaseth. But I think I’m better at it.

Love the Q&A – and you know how I have whinged endlessly about the download of your vids chewing through my download allowances… well (light bulb moment #2) I reckon you should film MM asking you these questions, and your answers. Just cause I like hearing your Oklahoma accents!!

That’s it… all out of bright ideas and need a cuppa and a lie down now.
BB

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Christine in NC On Tuesday, December 9 at 7:07 am

Thanks Ree for being candid and honest. I read your site every morning, and it is grounding and I get alot from all of it! You get “IT”….and I get “IT”…what it is all about. One more question…When is your birthday?

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aria On Tuesday, December 9 at 8:15 am

Since you said it was ready and you just needed a printer- PLEASE move forward with the calendar. Even if it comes in February it would be worth it- Please don’t make me have to hang the calendar my insurance agent me for being his client. Thoughful yes, but really- I so enjoy my PW calendar!

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CarolK On Tuesday, December 9 at 8:27 am

I love my 2008 calendar, and I hope you have one for 2009. I don’t care if it comes out after January 1st. :o)

LauraV On Tuesday, December 9 at 9:15 am

I have a question for your next installment of “Ask P-Dub.” Why do you home school?

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KimS On Tuesday, December 9 at 10:04 am

Ree… Make Sushi! (As if you didn’t already have about 3 dozen irons in the fire, already), but seriously, DD & I got the makings & got busy one Sunday afternoon when DH was hunting. We had an absolute blast. The bamboo rolling mats were just a couple bucks & the rest was whatever we wanted in them + the sushi rice. Will go down in the “memories” hall of fame & they were every bit as good as we’ve had elsewhere (granted we’ve only treated ourselves to sushi on our sojourns out of South Dakota).

Ashley On Tuesday, December 9 at 1:34 pm

donbiker On Tuesday, December 9 at 1:45 pm

Thanks for the John Denver/Muppets Recommendation. I’d never have found it otherwise.

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Marni On Tuesday, December 9 at 1:48 pm

I would have asked if there is anywhere on your ranch where you do not hear the sound of the cattle mooing?? its the one thing that I always notice when I watch the video’s that you have posted…I guess you would get used to it after awhile though.

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Lori On Tuesday, December 9 at 1:53 pm

I’ll give you your “Amen” on the divorce of your parents comment. I’ve been dealing with the same thing for two years now and it’s definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I think it’s just as hard on adult children as it is on young children; it’s just hard in a totally different way! The worst thing is your parents expecting you to be able to handle it easily just because you’re an adult!! UGH!

Here’s a question for you. You might be in the lodge by Christmas but what will you cook with or eat from? Are you going on a whirlwind shopping spree for new china?

If so please buy the rooster francais china from Williams Sonoma. Remember you had them on the site months ago for a giveaway. I still long for those dishes and that is saying a lot for I usually don’t care for china patterns. I only own solid white china.

Ang, that’s pretty funny, because I’m planning on having all solid white (bulk) china at the Lodge. Ha! (I do llllllove that rooster pattern. The plates are gorgeous.)

And what I’m doing is keeping the things I absolutely can’t cook/bake without, then taking everything else up to the Lodge. Then I’ll fill in the holes up there as I need to. Really, there are few things I absolutely have to have in the kitchen.

I’ll give you an amen on that parents divorce thing. My parents divorced this past summer and I’m no where near ready to think about being over it any time even in the distant future. When you’re thirty, there are supposed to be so many more things to worry over… like my children… why do selfish parents have to interfere with that?

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Jana On Tuesday, December 9 at 3:49 pm

Yes on the calendar! That is a present to myself

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mjbcoffee On Tuesday, December 9 at 4:22 pm

When I first started reading Pioneer Woman, for some reason I had to know your name and those of your family. I guess to make you “real” friends. Even as an inexperienced computer user, I was able to find out the names of your family members and where you lived. I haven’t done anything with that information, but it makes me feel closer to you as a friend. Thanks for a great, fun. interesting read.

Hi Ree
I have been lurking for AGES, but had to comment when I read your reference to John Denver and the Muppets Christmas album. It’s a favourite of mine – & now my kids love it too. Miss Piggy is a standout, with her ’5 Gold Rings’ & ‘Piggy Pudding’.
Your blog makes me smile.
Blessings
Janelle xx

Oh Honey, My dear husband, said years agao, that he didn’t want to do anything that would not do his Grandma proud. And he has lived his life that way. Sure he slips, but she would understand. She is gone and surely a Saint. A dear, dear hardworking wheat ranch wife. Nice and plump, and aprony. I still miss her myself.

Find the Pioneer Woman on:

Saturday, April 4: Freezer Fundamentals! While ranch work is going on outside, freezer work is going on inside! I share four more of my favorite freezer basics, which can be made into a whole bunch of different meals.