Bender: I make use of my rod of fireballs. [He makes explosion noises.]

[Scene: Planet Express conference room, Leela struggles with a collar around her neck]

Farnsworth: The collar will be triggered any time your thoughts turn to violence. [She is shocked.]

Leela: Ouch!

[Scene: Bender's apartment. Bender is washing a pot and Fry is next to him.]

Fry: Bender, I think you might be [visuals cut to Bender running around with a sword, wearing a pot on his head. A bus hits him] playing too much Dungeons & Dragons.

Bender: You're absolutely right, Fry. [visuals cut back to the kitchen] Now, if you'll excuse me. [He places the pot on his head.] I'm off to slay the werewolf of Goblin Mountain. [He waves his arms around, makes gibbery noises and dives head first out the window.]

Zoidberg: Friends, friends, stop everything. There's food in this shaker. [He begins sucking the salt out of a salt shaker, accidentally swallows it and sneezes mucus all Leela, who becomes angry and is administered a shock.]

Leela: Ow! Can you please remove this anger collar?

Hermes: Are you still angry?

Leela (Assuring): No. [She is shocked.] Ow!

Hermes: It also shocks you when you lie.

Farnsworth: Quiet, everyone. The network news is on and if I, a 165-year-old man, don't watch it, who will?

Morbo: Thankfully, the amazing talking horse was rescued and safely returned to the meat department.

Linda: [She laughs.] Turning to the less stupid portion of our broadcast, fuel prices hit an all-time high today due to the ongoing dark matter shortage.

[An opening montage of "Tea with Titans" is shown. Morbo is seen in pictures with Rich Little, Zapp Brannigan, the Space Pope and Billionare Bot.]

Morbo: [He sips his tea.] Morbo the Annihilator, here, sitting down to a delightful tea in this fake living room set. (Shouting:) Thank you for joining us, Mom.

Mom: My pleasure, sugarplum.

Morbo: Mom, you control the world's only dark matter mine. Why are fuel prices so high?

Mom: Oh! It's terrible, isn't it? Dark matter is just so rare nowadays, but we'll keep pinching loaf after loaf from the bowels of the earth, even if I lose money on every log.

Morbo: If you are losing money, how did you post record profits last quarter?

[Morbo holds up a Quarterly Report book for "Mombil." It shows Mom squeezing a drop of liquid out of the Earth. There is a dollar sign in the droplet. Mom nervously clears her throat.]

Mom: You look thin, care for one of my famous pecan clusters?

Morbo: [He reaches for one, but hesitates.] Morbo shouldn't. It will go straight to Morbo's gargantuan forehead. Oh, what the heck? I guess I could destroy one or two of them. [He devours the entire plate and all of the cookies.]

Mom: Do people care enough to drill for dark matter even in an Alaskan wildlife refuge? People do.

Farnsworth: Greedy old hag, taste the wrath of my fuzzy slipper. [He hurls the slipper toward the TV, but it doesn't make it and floats to the ground.]

Leela: Professor, why are you so hot and dusty over this dark matter shortage?

Farnsworth: Oohh... I bet you'd like to know. I bet you'd like to know, indeed.

[Scene: Mom's Dark Matter mine. A truck transporting fuel away from the mine drives by a white rabbit. When the exhaust dissipates, the rabbit is grey and a polar bear eats it. Mom is entering her office, which houses a map of the world, the single non-local metaparticle crystal and a vault, which Larry and Walt are throwing bags of money into. When the doors close, Mom pushes one of her buttons and her large dress mechanically folds into her boots.]

Walt: Hello, Mother. How did the interview go?

Mom: It made me want to puke my face off. Where's my Thigh Blaster?

Larry: Right here, Mom.

Mom: Shut up!

Larry: Okay, thank you.

[Igner pushes a chair over for her to sit on and she begins using her Thigh Blaster.]

[Cut back to Planet Express. Farnsworth is still going on while he mixes a fluid in two boiling tubes.]

Farnsworth: I just bet you'd like to know why I'm so angry about this dark matter shortage. I bet very much you'd like to know.

Amy: You're right, Professor. We would like to know.

Farnsworth: Really? I didn't think anyone was interested. It all started 30-odd years ago. [Farnsworth starts a VO. Fade to a flashback of Farnsworth sitting at a desk. He is molding a chemistry model and Mom joins him, similar to the scene from Ghost.] I was working in Mom's laboratories for the third time after twice before realizing how evil she was and vowing never to work for her again. But somehow the rich, wrong stench of her boney charms kept calling me back.

Farnsworth: Back in those days, dark matter was just a worthless inert curiosity, and I was smashing it in a particle accelerator, in an ill-conceived attempt to create a more durable harpsichord wax. But, as Deepak Chopra taught us, quantum physics means anything can happen at any time for no reason. Also, eat plenty of oatmeal and animals never had a war. Who's the real animals? [Small pause.] And thus against all probabilities... it happened. [The dark matter particles in the particle accelerator begin colliding and exploding. A large explosion leaves only a single item - the single non-local metaparticle crystal.

Younger Farnsworth: Dang!

Farnsworth: I'm sure I don't need to explain that all dark matter in the universe is linked in the form of a single non-local meta-particle.

Amy: Guhh! Stop patronizing us.

Farnsworth: So, in one instant, I had transformed all dark matter everywhere into a new crystalline form... (Younger Farnsworth to Younger Mom:) ...making it the most potent fuel since primitive man first ignited mastodon flatulence to heat his cave.

Younger Mom: I'm intrigued, Hubert. You have my undivided attention.

[Mom is breast feeding Walt and Larry at the same time. Farnsworth pulls out a match and ignites a ball of dark matter causing combustion. It blows the two of them to the ground and the babies start crying.]

Younger Wernstrom: You've been played, Farnsworth. Played like a cheap harpsichord.

Younger Mom: Walt, fire that employee like Mommy taught you.

[Walt pushes a button on a toy. Farnsworth finds this cute, but it forced through the wall by a large piston. Cut back to present times.]

Leela: Professor, maybe I can help you get even with Mom. I spend most of my time thinking about how to get revenge on a bad boss.

Fry: Me, too.

Zoidberg: Ditto!

Hermes: Likewise.

Amy: I made a blinding powder.

Farnsworth: Thanks, but that won't be necessary because I have the ultimate weapon. [Cut to the scene when the first crystal was created. A black crystal shoots out of the machine and Farnsworth puts it in his pocket. VO:] You see, in the instant the energy crystal was created, there also came into being an opposite crystal made of pure anti-backwards energy.

ALL: Wow!

Hermes: So?

Farnsworth: So, this! If ever the two crystals should meet, their wave functions would collapse like Raymond Burr's trampoline, once again rendering all dark matter inert and useless as fuel.

Hermes: But then we'll have no fuel.

Farnsworth: But once we free society from dependence on Mom's dark matter, scientists will finally care enough to develop cleaner, alternative fuels.

Bender: Look, we have to accept the fact that we all have a serious problem.

Roberto: Amen.

Dr. Perceptron: Good, Bender.

Rosie: That's right.

Bender: There's a band of river trolls living in the moat and they may have no intention of letting us out of this castle, unless we hand over the Golden Scepter of Zanthor.

Roberto: Say what? Dude's crazy.

Dr. Perceptron: Bender, please, try to...

Bender: I know not of this Bender. I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood.

Dr. Perceptron: You are suffering a breakdown. [He pushes a button and a hammer smashes his glass head.] I'm in your seat. I forgot we had changed places.

[Scene: Planet Express - Observatory.]

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!

Amy: You perfected dog mascara?

Farnsworth: Far from it. If you ask me, they look like a bunch of hookers. But what I have invented is a means of locating the missing crystal. [Everybody gasps.] When I push this button, the crystal will emit a high-frequency stink.

Zoidberg: [He is putting on eye mascara.] Hurray!

Farnsworth: There. Now, with any luck I'll detect it with my smelling aid. [He sticks a device in his nose and it begins beeping.] I just pray to all powerful Atheismo that we find it before Mom does.

Hermes: Do you smell the crystal, Professor?

Farnsworth: No, damn it! Just the alluring scent of Obsession for spaniels.

[A dog sprays perfume on another dog and sniffs its behind. Cut to the anti-backwards crystal die, emitting a fume.]

Dwight: Dude. Who whipped an egger?

CubertHe who smelled it, dealt it.

Dwight: Well, he who denied it, supplied it.

Cubert: Well, he who articulated it, particulated it.

Dwight: Well, he who refuted it, tooted it.

Cubert: Stalemate.

[Cut to Mom's office, her map is flashing with an alarm.]

Mom: Jesus craps. The anti-backwards crystal.

[She slaps Larry.]

Larry: Ow! Ah... sorry?

Mom: Relax, it's not your fault. [She slaps him again.] I can't believe it still exists. Google the hell out of that skanker. [The map zooms into Planet Express.] Planet-sucking-Express? Of course. How could I have been so dumb? [She slaps herself.] With that crystal, Farnsworth could completely destroy my dark matter empire. I underestimated that sagging old bag of bones and gonads.

Inger: Is that man bad?

Mom: Very bad, Igner. And that's why I need you three to go steal the anti-crystal away from him. But be careful. You'll need all your stoogely cunning.

[Igner turns to grab the bag, hitting Larry in the head with a ladder.]

Larry: Hey, watch it. [He holds up a mouse trap.]

Walt: Quiet, you. [He gets his hand caught in the mouse trap.] Ow!

Fry: I was looking over there for a long time but I didn't see any... Oh, there they are. Gross.

Walt: We've got to act fast. Larry, get out the geigersniffer.

Larry: You're just gonna hit me with it.

Walt: No. I'm going to hit you with this. [Walt hits Larry's shield on his mask and knocks him over. Cut to the lounge, the three can still be head in the background as Leela and Amy sit on the couch. Fry enters.]

Fry: Those three exterminators are hilarious.

Amy: Really? I don't think so.

Leela: Me, neither. Now, Sex and the City, that's funny.

[Cut to the boys playing Dungeons & Dragons.]

Dwight: After wandering aimlessly in the swamp, you suddenly... [He rolls the dice.] wander aimlessly in the swamp.

[The door opens behind them and the ticking of the geigersniffer is heard. Larry, Walt and Igner enter and hone in on the anti-backwards crystal.]

Walt: There it is. [Larry and Igner walk into him after he has stopped.]

Cubert: Uh, excuse you.

Walt: I'm sorry, little boy. You see, we're owl exterminators.

Igner: We are owl extermin... [Larry pulls the ladder back and lets it hit Igner in the head.] Ow!

Walt: And what we have here is an owl egg that's about to hatch into an owl larva. So, if you don't mind, we'll just take this and...

Cubert: [He scoffs.] What are you, stupid? That's a dodecahedral crystal I found hidden in the downstairs walrus tank.

Dwight: And I wrote numbers on it so we could use it as a D12, 'cause I have the best handwriting.

Cubert: Do not.

Dwight: Do too.

Cubert: Do not.

Dwight: Do too.

Cubert: You win this round.

[Farnsworth enters.]

Farnsworth: What's going on here?

Igner: We're owl exterminators.

Farnsworth: Oh? Then you won't have any problem exterminating this owl.

[He pulls an owl out from behind him. It is perched on his arm. Igner nervously attempts to grasp the owl with a pair of pliers, but it flies away before he catches it. The owl torments the three of them by flying around their heads. The anti-backwards crystal falls to the floor and rolls to Farnsworth's feet. He sniffs a little more and bends over to pick it up, cracking his back a few times in the process.]

Farnsworth: My anti-backwards crystal. So it's you three. I should have known Mom would send her brainless brood to do her dirty work. Walt, the leader among imbeciles.

Walt: Hey! They resent that.

Farnsworth: Larry, the snivelling middle child.

Larry: Sorry. Thank you.

Farnsworth: And you, Igner. The evil I could tolerate, but the stupidity... [He shudders.]

Igner: We're owl exterminators.

Farnsworth: Good God. Just knowing we're in the same genus makes me embarrassed to call myself homo. [The boys start laughing.] Now, get out and tell Mom thanks for the crystal. [He laughs while staring at the crystal. Cut to the three brothers standing in front of Mom.]

Igner: Thanks for the crystal.

[Mom slaps Igner. Cut to Planet Express. The hanger doors open and Fry is seen adjusting something in the ship's thruster with a large screw driver].

Fry: There. The repairs are complete.

Farnsworth: [He honks the horn.] Let's go, already. We've got to infiltrate Mom's dark matter mine, now. How do you start this thing? [Fry ducks out of the way as flames shoot out of the thrusters. Cut to a shot of Leela sifting through Nibbler's litter box. Farnsworth honks the honk again.] Good Lord, woman. Can you move any slower? [He honks the horn again.] Rake up some dark matter and top off the tank.

Leela: Well, there isn't any dark matter. Nibbler hasn't pooped at all. And he ate a whole family of koalas last night. Nibbler! Nibbler!

Farnsworth: I'm not interested in the whereabouts of your cutesy-fruitsy space rat. The only thing that matters right now is this crystal. [He throws the crystal at Leela's head.]

Leela: Ow!

Farnsworth: And be careful with that crystal. [The ship takes off.]

[Scene: Bender is laying flat in a chair. He has mice and spiders crawling all over him, there is an alarm sounding off, the lights are flashing and there is a axe device swinging close to his head like a pendulum.]

Bender: (Muffled chanting.)[Dr. Perceptron removes the tape from his mouth.] Death to ogres! [He put the tape back on.]

Dr. Perceptron: Even relaxation therapy has failed. Nurse, schedule a robotomy for Bender.

Nurse Ratchet: Yes, Doctor. I'll get the tools from the shed.

Dr. Perceptron: It's a very painful procedure. So until then, just try to relax.

[The rats, spiders and swinging blades are placed on Bender again.]

[Scene: The Planet Express ship is flying towards Mom's Dark Matter Mine. A small camera poking out of the ice watches them. Cut to Mom watching the camera's feed. She laughs and Walt joins in with her, Larry joins soon after that.]

Mom: What are you laughing at?

Larry: Your laugh. It's just so infectious.

Mom: So's herpes. Now, shut up! You and Walt, lead the killbots to the surface and blow Farnsworth out of the sky.

Walt: What about Igner?

Mom: That hairless ape? I swear. When he came out I flipped a coin whether to keep him or the after-birth.

Walt: Yes, Mother. You told that story at his graduation.

Mom: I'm afraid he can't be trusted on this mission. You see, there is a terrible secret about Igner I've never told anyone. And here it is.

[Cut to a wide shot of them talking. They can't be heard. Igner is sweeping and listening from an open door. Cut back to Mom. She says something and Walt and Larry's jaws drop. Igner makes his "I'm scared" noise. Cut to the Planet Express ship flying toward the mine. It's being fired by a line of Killbots at and returning fire.]

[The ship takes down two Killbots, but the hole is filled by more. It is hit multiple times and the crew starts screaming. Keep exterior shot of the ship.]

Farnsworth: Mayday! Mayday! [Walt and Larry flee from the defence line.] Oh, God. I cannot believe this is the best plan I could come up with. [The ship crashes just in front of the Killbots. Pull back to reveal Farnsworth holding a controller. He flicks a switch and a light goes off. Fry and Leela sit in the snow bank with him.] We weren't actually in the ship.

[The three are standing in front of exhaust fans.]

Leela: Okay, team, these red-hot, razor-sharp fans are the only safe way into the mine.

Fry: Hmm, uh, ladies first. [She pushes him through the blades, picks up Farnsworth and hops through. They're walking through a tunnel.] Phew! That blade missed me by the skin of my pants. [His pants have been cut open. The crew throw their jackets into a bin labelled "CLOTHES FOR THE GREEDY." Farnsworth presses the call button on a maintenance elevator.]

Elevator Steward: Maintenance shaft 7 serving...

Farnsworth: Shut your mouth.

Elevator Steward: I'm just talking about the shaft.

[Leela kicks him in the chest, he hits the wall and falls apart. Her collar is emitting a charge.]

Fry: Jeez, doesn't that shock collar hurt?

Leela: Actually, feels kind of good. I guess I'm starting to associate it with the pleasure of beating people up.

[The doors on the elevator close and it begins its descent, but picks up speed all the way down. The three of them are screaming and an interior shot of the elevator shows them experiencing weightlessness. An exterior shot of Level 65 shows the elevator suddenly stop a few feet from the floor, slamming the three of them to the ground. It slowly lowers until it's even with the floor. Cut to Mom staring at the crashes ship on her TV.]

Walt: We shot them down, Mother. The intruders never even got to Sector 1.

Mom: Ugh... Sometimes I don't know why I even bother to slap you. [She slaps them twice.](on PA:) All Killbots to Sector 15.

[Cut to two Killbots rolling down a hallway.]

Killbot 1: [He turns to the other Killbot and shoots him.] What did she say?

Killbot 2: [He turns to the other Killbot and shoots him.]What did you say? [The two of them stay position towards each other and eventually destroy themselves. Fry, Farnsworth and Leela dash by their bodies. Another view of a hallway shows balls of Dark Matter being transported through tubes.]

Fry: There are so many killbots behind us I can't count them all. Three, I think.

[Leela runs around a corner, then steps back and grabs Fry as he keeps running into the open. Several Killbots drive down a hallway.]

Leela: We're trapped.

Farnsworth: The main pit must be in here. I'm detecting vast quantities of Dark Matter.

[On the wall, there is a keypad reading CODEX PAD.]

Leela: Step aside turkey-neck. I think I know the code. [She punches the keypad and the door opens. They get in and slam it shut before the Killbots spot them.]

Farnsworth: We're in. We're in the heart of the mine. The very source of all Mom's wealth and... [He lets out a long winded, girly scream. Pull away from them at the door down a huge room with caged Nibblonians occupying it. There are more floors featuring the same thing above and below. Cut to shots of the caged Nibblonians, their poop is being harvested and transported through clear pipes.]