‘Is there really no-one else home that we can talk to?’ asks EU

EU leaders have asked if there is a grown-up at home in Britain that they could have a quick chat with about Brexit.

The move comes after MPs voted for Prime Minster Theresa May to re-open negotiations on the Irish backstop.

‘First we had David Davis who came to meetings with a copy of ‘Negotiation for Dummies’ under his arm’ said President of the European Commission Jean-Claude Juncker.

‘Then we had Dominic Raab who brokered the deal then promptly resigned because he said the deal he brokered was rubbish. Now we have some guy called Steve whose second name I can’t even remember. Who’s next? Jacob Rees Mogg? Neil Warnock? Scary Spice?’

‘Then on top of all that Theresa May voted against the deal she has spent months telling everyone was the only deal on the table. Surely there must be someone else there we can talk to?’

Leaders from across the EU have been quick to tell Theresa May that the Withdrawal Agreement is not up for renegotiation and that the Irish backstop is ‘part and parcel’ of the deal.

‘We won’t budge on the Irish backstop’ confirmed Juncker.

‘What are these mysterious alternative arrangements anyway? Some fabulous new technology that hasn’t been invented yet? Self-service check-outs along the Irish border perhaps? Telepathic monkeys? Please tell us, we really want to know’.

Meanwhile Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt has conceded that extra-time may be needed to finalise Brexit if sufficient progress isn’t made ahead of the UK’s departure date of 29th March.

‘It’s crucial that an agreement is reached in the next month’ said Hunt.

‘Otherwise we’ll definitely need extra-time and maybe even penalties; we want to avoid that at all costs because the bloody Germans always win’.

The Day Today, Have I Got News For You, Mock The Week – Harry has watched them all and learned nothing. Harry’s TV writing career peaked recently when one of his jokes was valued at £2.18 on the Antiques Roadshow.