The Mallard

By Paget Pizitz

Britney Spears goes Nuts (B-metro is in no way comparing Paget’s level of mental stability to that of Ms. Spears simply using her as another example of a “freak out”. Besides, Brit is way better now ya’ll!)

I went to high school at a small boarding school here in Birmingham. I consider myself lucky to have had such a unique experience, and I recall these years with extreme fondness.

I recall the first day of eighth grade when I tucked a silk black and white shirt into see–through, white knee length shorts. I remember the day my physics teacher gave me an “F” on a midterm with this addendum, “If there was something worse than an F, rest assured I would have given it to you.” And I recall the time my boyfriend cheated on me with a curvaceous, buxom gal from Colorado. I can’t say I blame her. He did have a charming South African accent and referred to squirrels as “squibbles.”

When you’re 17, an accent and adorable mispronunciations go a long way. I’d love to spin a yarn and tell you what happened when I found out about this indiscretion, but I’d also like to assume a few people read this little column. If I told you what went down that evening, you’d stop reading my column, refer me to anger management classes, and slander my name and point at me next time you saw me walking my cat in a stroller through English Village. I’ll say this, someone’s foot was run over, and a car was vandalized with 45 cans of dog food and one dead, skinned mallard from my dad’s latest hunting trip. Look, I had help.

Walking down crazy memory lane does help me arrive at my more serious point. A friend of mine in Florida called me some months ago to tell me her husband had cheated and their marriage was over. While I dare not compare my teenage antics to her situation, it did make me think back to squibble, the skinned mallard and the emptiness and loss I had once felt. There are numerous reasons for infidelity: revenge, boredom, the thrill of sexual novelty and even sexual addiction. Some experts say that a majority of the time, motivations differ by gender, with men searching for more sex or attention, and women looking to fill an emotional void. I’d like to assume that most people who cheat don’t consider their partner, and how, with this act, it leaves someone to question their sanity, as well as everything they believe to be true about their spouse, and the viability of their relationship. I’m certainly not a psychologist, so I’m in no place to dispense advice on divorce and fidelity. However, I do wish people would exercise a certain level of consideration when making decisions that will have such an impact on their partner. I’m sure deep down my old Afrikaans–speaking flame regrets the anguish he put me through so many years ago. I’d like to tell you I regret shoving a skinned, wild duck in the tailpipe of his red BMW, but I’d be lying, and I think B-Metro has some sort of policy about that.

One Response to “The Mallard”

I wish I had the courage and vocabulary to successfully sum up my infidelity experience. And to try and justify the value of it. Truth is, everyone goes through a much different version of about the same things. I just wish I had your courage to express it and know that someone actually cares to read it.