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Christmas Joy

Monday, 25 July 2011

Day 37 - I am Mum

"Mum, mum,mummy,mum,mum,ma ma"
Huh? Oh yeah she means me.
I had one of those moments today when I realised 'I am a mum'. I looked at this girl calling me mum (on repeat)but I still feel like I'm 18 so she can't be referring to me. Wow where did this come from? Did I actually use to have sex with PT dad?
I first felt like this after I gave birth. After the docs knocked me out for an emergency C-section (Summer was trouble before she took her first breath) the first thing I asked for when I came round was "more drugs" then "big Mac and fries" then my mum suggested I might like to see my baby first.
Huh baby? Wooooahhhhh yh sure Ok. They plopped her on me and I looked at her hairy face and squashed nose. What do I do? What am I supposed to feel? Everyone had a tear in there eye and was cooing at us, so I mimiced their emotions.
I'm ashamed to say I just didnt feel much, I was a fraud, and Summer could see right through me. Soon everyone left (Part time dad was still yet to arrive!) And I was alone, with this baby no instruction book. She looked at me, I looked at her. I even checked her wrist band to see if she was really mine.
She slept I slept, she cried, I cried until a cleaning lady found us screaming at eachother at 6 in the morning. This big nigerian lady picked Summer up and gave me a tissue.
"You fed her yet lady?" She said...well no I hadnt, she was born after dinner time and It wasnt quite breakfast....
"Tsk your mummy is stupid...Suma" and with that Big Momma grabbed my boob, "Feed her!" She snapped. This wasnt how I pictured my first girl on girl action. my boob in a 50 yr old nigerian womans hand and Summer squirming to get away from both of us. She wouldnt latch on, and besides I had no milk. Epic Mummy fail.
I cried again, Summer cried.
"You cant cry mummy, fix up yourself, you are her mother find a way to feed your child, she cant live without you mummy, tsk smarten up yourself"
She gave Summer a wink and walked out. With just the 2 of us I persisted with the breastfeeding to no avail. Hour apon hour was spent willing milk to come. Nothing. So I sobbed myself to sleep. When I woke up I heard the sound of Summer gurgling and the cleaner now out of her work clothes was bottle feeding Summer. "Hello mummy, this is how you feed your baby until your tities start working...you see your baby is happy, sometimes mummies take short cuts... And you will need to cos this baby Summa is trouble, I'm going now, I need to feed my own babies its over to you mummy"
My milk never came, the feelings did a little later, but sometimes I feel like I have been baby sitting for a really long time. And that someone mature enough might come and claim her. ( I reckon I am due over £100k in fees) Until then, I am happy enough to play mummy, even if sometimes I need reminding to fix up. Now Summer does that instead of the hospital cleaning lady.