April 16, 2007

announcements on board

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. Aftef it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

seeing eye pilot

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.

Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story... Have a great day and remember ... things aren't always as they appear.

more air traffic stuff

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little
Fokker in sight."
----------------------------------
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because
you lost the bloody war."
------------------------------------------------------
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call
sign
Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

air traffic comments

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between
airline pilots and control towers around the world. Remember that the
conversations are heard by all pilots on that frequency in that area.

====================================================
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

============================================================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

============================================================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

============================================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an
exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard
right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

============================================================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for
a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was
number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

============================================================
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant.
"It took us a while to find a new pilot."

============================================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off
we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

=========================================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one."

============================================================

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about
half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

jet fuel

A couple of airplane mechanics, drinking buddies, are in the hanger
at Newark, where the runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do.
John says, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
"Nah," says Bill "but I hear that you can drink jet fuel, that it
will give you a real buzz."
So they proceed to drink jet fuel, get smashed, and have a beautiful time as
only drinkin' buddies can.
Next morning, John expects his head to explode when he gets up, but is
pleasantly surprised that he has no hangover at all.
The phone rings with Bill asking how he feels. "I feel great!" says John.
"No hangover!" "Me neither," says Bill.
"That jet fuel is great stuff and no hangover," says John. "We ought
to dothis more often."
"Yeah," says Bill, "But there is one thing. Did you fart yet?"
"No, why?"
"Because I'm in Phoenix."

new airline in minnysota

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIR IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA.
>
> ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.
> If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Air, da
no-frills

> airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is an
> upliftin experience.
>
> Dere is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.
> Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21,
a
> main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da
rear
> of da aircraft.
>
> Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by
> free will offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met.
>
> Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da
> safety system aboard dis Lutran Air 599.
>
> Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a
> sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real
surprised

> and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two tousand
feet,
> so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or
> someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodder wit doze liddle masks
on

> da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den
dat.
> Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes.
> Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest
wit
> you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort a
like
> driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.
>
> In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da
> Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our
sins
> as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say
"trespass

> against us," which isn't right, but what can you do?
>
> Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because
day
> may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da seat of da
> pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da
wazoo,

> and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout
on
> da side of your head.
>
> We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with da coffee
pot
> up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket
in
> front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to
be

where do baby airplanes come from?

A Mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the
window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?" The
mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight
attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The
flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your
Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "yes she did." "Well, then, you go
and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest
always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

my collection of airline jokes, have a good laugh

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks efficiently.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could please just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-put us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight att endant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."