Thursday, August 18, 2011

After I had broken up with the One, I figured I’d give dating another go. I didn’t wait long, unfortunately, and I was in rebound purgatory! Of course, I immediately met my future ex-husband.

I totally chopped my hair off when I broke up with the One

We met via a Christian dating site. I figured that was a good place to start. There were little signs that there might be something wrong, but they were so minute, I can’t even tell you! Sure he acted jealous on occasion. We were a couple thousand miles apart. Made sense he didn’t want me talking to my ex-boyfriend, right?

As I was getting to know him, I wanted to know the people in his life, too. Who knew? He could be some freaky, scary dude. So, I talked to his co-worker, a guy he had started going to church with. He didn’t know my ex very well at that point, so said he couldn’t really tell me a lot. I talked to his sister and she said nice things about him. And I talked to his best friend, who gave me the third degree and ended up being a big supporter of mine!

The ex flew out to WA to meet me, my roomie, my neighbor (who was my pastor and close friend) and his family, and to spend some one on one time alone with me face to face. We had a nice time. Again there were things. Some silly, like he was shorter than I preferred. I like my men tall. I like feeling encompassed by a man…ooooo detour, sorry.

He also had a hard time restraining himself. He’d totally mash my face in front of my girls who didn’t know him from Adam! He was very touchy feely, but in an overly kind of way. Again, at the time I figured he was just being a guy.

Finally the girls and I moved out to Minnesota to be with him. Let me throw a little conversation I had with my dad because it would fit right about here. The girls and I had gone to AZ to spend Christmas with my dad and his side of the family. It was a wonderful time as we hadn’t done that in years.

At one point while we’re down there my dad says to me, and I quote, “You look like Shania Twain…without the boobs.” Wow, thanks for noticing dad. Who says that to their daughter? Hello, 14 yrs later and I can still hear it as clearly as I heard that kid in high school tell me if my gut hung out further than my boobs I was fat.

Man this was forever ago, but I still look the same, but older. Weird!

For the record, I see absolutely NO resemblance to Shania, but have had people mention it to me on numerous occasions, most recently this past weekend. A guy at work came right up to me and said I look like her. Ok, pal.

Alrighty, back to the journey.

No sooner had we been married that it all started to come to the surface.

I mooned him once out in the cove of a lake with no one else around. He said if I ever did that again he’d divorce me. Ok, no more of that business

I wore a skirt that didn’t go to my knees and was very airy. He was freaked out it would fly up and someone would see my undies

I couldn’t wear white shirts because it was possible that a man would see the outline of my bra

No bikinis (which I was kind of ok w/, but still) because he was afraid one of the “girls” might pop out for some random man to see. Hello, my girls don’t pop out of anything. They’re too little to “pop”

I had to do the bend over test with my shirts. If they fell open at all I couldn’t get it

I had to have a bra on at all times if there was another man around, even my own dad. Couldn’t answer the door if it were a man unless I put a bra on. OH, underneath my shirts or sweatshirts

I had to wear thicker bras so “unmentionable” parts wouldn’t be visible

So, that’s what I lived with for 8 yrs. Eight very long years where I didn’t have a single moment of feeling sexy. In those 8 yrs I probably kissed the guy passionately a couple times at the beginning of our relationship and that was it. From the honeymoon on all I felt like was an object.

Unfortunately, I didn’t feel like a worthwhile object, because he found others appealing. He tried to deny it, made ME feel like I was seeing things, making things up in my head, etc. His favorite line was, “You can’t see through my eyes.” Well, that may be the truth, but if I’m standing right next to you, I can see your line of vision and if you’re hypnotized by the large breasts on another woman, I can see it. Hello.

We tried counseling, but he was always the victim saying I was playing the victim. He felt like he had to walk on eggshells, blah blah blah And I tell you, I thought I was so screwed up as a wife. Clearly I couldn’t do anything right as a wife.

After 8 yrs of marriage, everything that had been swept under the table came to light and in ONE day, it was all over. Never again did he touch me. That was almost 5 yrs ago. I haven’t been out with a man or chatted in a “dating” kind of way since then. I was married and even though we were separated, I wasn’t going to stray past the bounds of marriage.

Recently though, as the divorce proceeds, I’ve been ready to start testing the waters. Some days those waters look like a huge tidal wave ready to crash over me. Others is like a creek beckoning me to follow it. I’m nervous and excited all at once.

But who am I? What do I have to offer in my old age of 42? Not only 42, but a mom of 4, count ‘em, FOUR kids. Yes, my girls are out of the house, but both of my boys are still home and will be for a while.

Your ex sounds a lot like mine. Overcontrolling and overpowering. The only piece of advice I can give you is to take this time to put yourself in the forefront. Although it's hard and will have nagging thoughts that you may be too old or no one will want someone with kids, don't let it get to you. I was sort of young when I divorced, 25, but thought no one would want me with three small children. I found my husband who loves my kids. Good luck on your journey!

Oh my gosh...my throat is all tight and I feel like I could welt up and cry.. My first husband left me when my boys were young (3) & 2 weeks old. He wasn't as controlling as yours...but he had the wandering eyes. And don't get me wrong...I love my present husband but I moved way too fast trying to replace the void. I have been remarried for almost 16 years...but it hasn't been easy. I was 26 at the time, I know, younger than 42 or 43 (which I am now)...BUT you have tons to offer..and you don't have to get the sexy back, its there...just underneath all of his controlling and manipulating ways...I believe you will find your true love...when you least expect it!

Hmmm, finding my sexy. Its different for everyone and as strange as this may seem (because I sure don't look my best), I feel my best physically and emotionally after a long run. Whatever baggage or issues I had before I run gets forgotten and I focus on my surroundings, my breathing and my random thoughts of why the geese aren't afraid of me but are of the children at the park. I'm a better wife, mother and friend if I run on a regular basis. I feel better, I look better and my attitude is better. IMO, finding something you enjoy and builds your self-confidence is one of the first steps in getting your sexy back!

I think that you Rock just for writing this! As yes it will be hard at times,but you will feel so much better just finding "You". At 42 you sure are not old~look at it as I new beginning for you. As I was with a very abusive man for over 15 years and I left when I was 29 and never looked back..I am now 51 years old~have raised 3 beautiful children on my own that have blessed me with 10 grandchildren..

I was waiting for this post. I am amazed you lasted as long as you did with this excuse for a man. Wow. You are gorgeous and I agree with the above commenter, don't rush into any relationship. Spend time on yourself, doing things just for you. Read shaybanks.com. I love her site and she has a great free e-book every women and girl should read about this. You will have to find the words to politely turn down the male attention you're going to get, though. Shania Twain is gorgeous so lap it up but don't act on it!

Like you, I saw small things at the beginning of my first marriage that should have warned me but I ignored them. Over the years we were married, he became more controlling and I lost more and more confidence in myself. When it ended, I wasn't sure I could trust myself to know a good man when I saw one.So here's what I did. I found my hobbies and passions again. I did things because I wanted to and gradually I began to trust myself again. When I met my second husband, we were part of a large group of friends. Then we started to spend time together as friends. Eventually love blossomed. But I was very careful to know him fully as a person first. That's what worked for me.You've gotten some good advice here about getting to know YOU! Do what make you feel good and helps you gain confidence. Then you can start to trust again. Good Luck.