Monday, December 12, 2011

Hope

Through my life my only experience with pregnancy was with my mother and my sister. My mother had my brother when I was seven years old and so that bit of my experience is extremely limited to impressions of a growing belly and the wonder of a new baby. When my sister became pregnant in 2006 it was a whole new story. I was able to ask questions and see how things progressed but even then it was not the same as being pregnant myself. Finally in 2008 I became pregnant with my son Gunnar and started walking the long road of pregnancy. There were many things I was not prepared for and many things that I was and many things that I never imagined I would experience. Overall I was blessed with what my doctor called "a boringly perfect pregnancy", and when disaster stuck I was not at all prepared. I never even thought that something would go wrong.
In October 2009 I found out I was pregnant for the second time and in November 2009 I found out it was an ectopic pregnancy or a tubal pregnancy and was ordered by my doctor to take two shots of MTX (methotrexate) in both hips. Although I was aware at that point that it was not a viable pregnancy terminating it was the hardest thing I may have ever done. I remember sitting in the doctors office with tears running down my face trying to muster the strength to even stand up and walk out of the room. I felt utterly defeated, confused, and resentful. Why did this happen to me? Why after such a perfect first pregnancy was my second such a complete disaster? For months I was unable to look a pregnant woman in the face or feel real joy for their circumstances. It is a feeling that I have never quite been able to leave behind me. Still, I feel it a bit ever day.
In August 2011 I found out I was pregnant for the third time. After two and a half months of exhausting weekly blood tests, two ultrasounds, a viable heartbeat and baby picture...I miscarried in early October. "Again...this cannot be happening to me again!" was my only thought. With this loss came true despair and bitterness. It was all I could do to not feel real hate and anger when I saw a pregnant woman or a newborn baby. Now I just feel a deep gut wrenching sadness that I can hardly control. The kind that drives you to eat a whole bag of milk chocolate chips and cry until you cannot see and are gasping for breath. It has been two months and I sometimes find myself frozen in desolation with tears running down my face.
Recently a friend of mine has become pregnant for the second time. I am so completely happy for her and also ridiculously envious at the same time that it sometimes makes my head spin. I sat looking at the picture of the two pink lines and cried...and cried. It continues to be so hard for me to see any facebook posts, or blog updates, pictures of bellies, and pregnancy complaints. I feel like I die a bit every time I see them.
Still...I have hope. The anger and bitterness has faded to an exhausted memory, and I am now left with only the anguish and desolation. Everyday is still a struggle but I hope the struggle gives me strength. It is my wish that writing all this down and sharing it...facing it aloud will help with that struggle and give me hope. Hope to try and try again.