Don't rush having husband move back in after separation

Question: Hello, Dr. Scott. I am having trouble deciding whether to take back my husband from whom I’ve been separated for more than a year. It came as quite a shock initially to separate, but we agreed that it was the right thing to do at the time because we were always fighting and our children were exposed to our marital troubles far more often than they should have been. We have been married for six years and our girls are too young to make sense of the conflict. They are 3 and 5 years old. Fighting never got physical or anything, but the hostility was palpable and we both felt we needed to take space. We have been attending therapy together the whole time. We are troubled, but we both love our children very much and the separation has been awful for them. They miss their dad. I don’t, but they do and they are everything to both of us. I want to make things work for their sake. I don’t think I’m really ready to be with him again, but I fear that they time they’ve already lost with him is going to do damage. I have reservations about him moving back in. The girls need their dad. It’s a dilemma. Any advice?

Answer: It’s a sad situation Chloe, and I’m sure it’s very hard for all four of you. I understand your desire to reunite the family. Of course, that’s going to be so wonderful for the kids when the time is right. But that’s the real question: When is the right time?

It’s probably not now. And it pains me to say it because I know what it means for parents and children to be apart due to marital separation and divorce. You’re correct when you say that losing time with their dad can be costly. Research shows that children do better with a father in the home. On the other hand, research also shows that exposure to marital conflict is harmful to children’s sense of security and happiness. So, the key is to reunite as soon as the marriage is working, and probably not sooner than that. I know they miss Dad, but if you move back in together too soon, they’re just going to lose him a second time, which also means suffering a second time. Given your apprehension, the time is not right yet. And, if you pull the trigger too early, your marriage could fail permanently.

My advice is to keep going with the therapy. Go more often if you need to. Work harder. Get your marriage working so that your girls can get their parents back under the same roof. In the meantime, if they miss Dad, get them to see Dad more often. And, when you and Dad are near each other, treat each other well. Smile, be kind, make jokes, even hug if you can do it sincerely. Nothing would reassure them more during this tough time than if they could see the two people they love and count on the most supporting each other and being kind to each other.