Army of One (2016) Movie Script

1 Our next guest, dubbed "The Rocky Mountain Rambo," got tired of waiting himself, so he traveled to Pakistan. How close did you actually get to bin Laden? Tonight with Gary Faulkner. This is Gary Faulkner. Good luck. Gary is an adventurer who set his sites - on hunting Osama bin Laden. - Gary Faulkner made headlines for travelling to Pakistan to capture Osama bin Laden. Dateline 2004. Land... the lawless, tribal region of Pakistan. Our story concerns Gary Faulkner, a part-time construction worker with bad kidneys and a full-time American patriot, who, after years of watching the United States fruitlessly hunt for Osama bin Laden, claimed he was visited by God and accepted a mission to find and capture bin Laden himself. Armed with only a sword and knife, Mr. Faulkner travelled to one of the most dangerous places on the planet to bring bin Laden to justice. Here I come! As strange as it is compelling, this is a true story, or a story that has truth in it, or maybe... elements of truth. Gee, pretty boy, your time has come. The G has arrived. Like most stories, ours began long ago, when the hero was but a boy. Take that, twerp. Don't come around here anymore. Hello, Gary. What ails you, my child? Did those heathen brutes just burst your balloon? Children can be real pricks sometimes. Gary, see that kid there? In a few years time, the guilt he accumulates from committing this kind of bullying will lead to him becoming a horrible crystal meth addict, and he's gonna die in a meth deal gone bad. Shit happens, Gary. Crying about it don't do any good. But this, Gary... this is your sword that I give onto thee, and as long as you behold it, you need never fear any man. You are special. I choose you to wield this sword, and as long as it's in your possession, you need never know fear again. Hello? Hey, Gary, it's Pickles. Pickles, wow! What's up, man? Glad you called, I need a place to crash. I've been crashing at the job site. Gary has been described as everything from a hero to a crackpot. Dr. Jonathan Boudin of the Denver Clinic for Psychiatric Care told us that Gary, quote, "does not suffer from psychosis, paranoia, or schizophrenia." Clinically speaking, he's as sane as you or me. But you be the judge. Worst part of having this bad kidney, getting dialysis three times a week is they won't let me eat chicken wings. Man, this country makes the best goddamn chicken wings in the world. Now, I haven't seen the whole world, I haven't tasted chicken wings in Africa, but I'd be willing to bet the right ball on a broke-dick dog that no place makes better wings than they do here. Some other reasons America's the best country ever, fastest cars. Now, some douche nugget pointed out that the ltalians and the Germans make faster rides on account of their Ferraris, and their Mercedes. Well, I'm talking about non-fascist automobiles. Also, I'm pretty sure more people kick ass here than in any other country. I mean, some people claim that you can't quantify kick-assedness. Those are usually people who's asses have been recently kicked. What is crazy? I mean, is crazy bad? Wasn't it crazy to believe all men were created equal? Wasn't it crazy to believe in life, liberty... From the first moment, Gary made clear that he would not fit with anyone's expectations. And refused to believe he was destined for anything other than greatness. As he continually told those around him, "You have to think crazy, to accomplish crazy things." I don't know, but I once got a fortune cookie that said, " In boldness, there is greatness," and I believe that fortune cookie was correct. I can't stand foreign beer. Anybody that drinks foreign beer or foreign whiskey should be shot as a traitor. - Come on. - That's what we love about you, Gary, man. It's hard to be down around you. - I got to piss. - Idiots! Reports that U.S. forces have been very close to capturing bin Laden, but that was about three years ago. We intend, fully intend, to-to find him. We don't know where Osama bin Laden, um, is. Government clowns. The hunt for bin Laden has been a cold well for a long time. They're botching up the plan to get bin Laden! Look, I know I'm a Leo, but it's easier for a mouse to get into a castle than it is for a lion. I'd go in there, and I'd boost that fucker right out from underneath their noses. Hey, buddy. You think you could do a better job over there? Is that what you're saying? Oh, you're a Marine. - I am a Marine. - Well, that's awesome. Listen, I really appreciate what you boys are doing over there, and I understand the price of freedom, the sacrifice, but look, you've got your program, and I got mine, that's all. But l-let me buy you a drink. What do you have? What are you gonna pay for that with? Your unemployment check? Oh. Gary... Gary... Just let it go. Quick contest, Semper fi. Let's throw this knife across the room over to that dart board. You get closest to the bull's-eye, I'll buy everyone in this bar a drink, okay? I get closest, you buy me a drink and you apologize for being a dick. Yeah, you're on. Pretty good. Sometimes when people get close to the bull's-eye, they get a little cocky. Sure hope that isn't gonna be your problem. Yeah. Knight the kings. Oh! Goddamn it, Gary, not again! The blade missed most of Roy's tendons. And, like the previous three times, he was soon back at the bar with little more than a bruised ego. Why would you buy a showerhead from a country that doesn't take showers? Don't buy that toilet, that toilet was made in Africa. Pygmies made that toilet and they take small shits. Your turd, your potty, your poo, as it were, won't make it past the flusher. Yoo-hoo. No, seriously, why would you buy a faucet from a country in the midst of a drought? I don't know what you're putting up, but that ain't gonna hold it. I want you to trust me because I'm probably the only person in this whole store that'll tell you the truth. Now, if you need anything at all, you call me. I'm Gary Faulkner, your go-to handyman. Oh, what... Gary Faulkner. Marci Mitchell. Oh, my God! I cannot believe it! You look great. You look great. I had so many fantasies about you in high school. I must've gone through about 100 boxes of Kleenex. That is disgusting, but I'll take it. - Why would you... - Because I always had a crush on you. What've you been doing all these years? Oh, my life is boring. Uh, you know... - went in and out of community college, - Uh-huh. And then, you know, now I work at The Olive Garden. Olive Garden, that's a great restaurant. Well, good. - I answer phones at a dentist office. - Uh-huh. - Calligraphy on the side. - Calligraphy? For wedding invitations, stuff like that. Dating only idiots. Uh, 'cause that... those are the kinds of people - that can spend time with me, with my schedule. - Uh-huh. - You know, losers that have nothing else to do. - Yeah. Um... You remember my sister Carrie? Sure, yeah, she made you look like a girl scout. Uh... well, she, she passed away. And, uh, she OD'd in Colorado Springs, like, eight years ago. Wow, that's... I'm-I'm sorry, that's... - She got really bad into drugs and, uh.. - I'm sorry. Yeah. Had a kid with her dealer 'cause that's a... kind of stupid decision you make, but, um... And what happened to the kid? I adopted her. - Oh. - Lizzie, she's my little princess. She's, like... all I have in the world, so... - Oh, that's awesome! - Yeah. - I got to keep it together because of her. - Wow. - And, uh, it's why I'm working three jobs, that I... - Yeah. Hate. Well, I'll drink to that. Well, I don't do that anymore, so... - No. Shit! - I don't do that. Only making good decisions. Hey, listen, do you want to get an ice cream sundae with me tonight? Let's have ice cream. - Great. - Not tonight. - Okay. - I can't do it tonight. - But tomorrow night? - Great. We're gonna have ice cream, but you have to find me. Listen, you still got that awesome tattoo? Yes! I'll find you. They don't call me the psychic wizard for nothing. In the past five years, it appears that Osama bin Laden and billions of American dollars have all but disappeared into the mountains of western Pakistan. I'm serious, Pickles, we got to get on this immediately! No waiting, no hesitating! Got to get on this right fucking now! What the fuck is going on, man? Did you see that shit? No, I didn't see... Gary, look, listen to me, -What? You got to stop with the noise, okay? We can't deal with it anymore, we can't sleep back there. You've been here for three months. You got to get a job, you got to get out of here, man. W-What... so? I'm sorry, okay? I'll quiet down. What is it? I love you, but you got to get out of here, man. - Oh! - You got to go. You got to find a different couch to sleep on, okay? - Come on. - I'm sorry, I'll, uh... Well, look, I'll... let me just, uh... if I can just finish tonight... - Yeah, just... - and I'll clean up. Yeah, just stay here tonight, it's fine. Thank you, buddy. Okay. -She's trying to sleep, all right? Hey, you remember what tomorrow is, right? - What? - Dialysis. - Oh, right, yeah. - Dialysis, all right. Yeah, I remember now. Thanks, Pickles. So, tomorrow you're out. It is said that on a cold day in Valley Forge, George Washington talked to God as young Americans died on the battlefield. Abraham Lincoln talked to God daily. But Gary did them one better. Hello, Gary. Holy shit. Yes, I take a holy shit every day. God? Well, Gary, I have many names. But God's kind of catchy, don't you think? But you're the one true God? Who created the universe? Yeah, more or less, but let's not dwell on that cosmic shit right now. I've got a favor to ask you, Gary. A favor? A tiny, little favor that I'd like you, Gary Faulkner, to do for me. Of course. I'm calling it a favor to be compassionate, and kind, and nice. It's more like a command really. You understand? I do. Okay, cool. I need you to go over to Pakistan and capture that son of a bitch Osama bin Laden for me. OBL? He's got to be taken down. He pulled that 9/11 shit and fucked me right over. Now he's got to pay the price. No one else seems to be able to do it, Gary. And my patience is getting wafer thin. Capture bin Laden? Capture him, bring him back alive though. Remember, thou shall not kill. So we're good? You'll go to Pakistan and capture Osama bin Laden for me. Perfect. Oh, just so you know, Gary, this is probably it. I've got no plans to ever speak to you again, but I am everywhere, you know? All knowing, all seeing. Which, by the way, isn't as much fun as it's cracked up to be. Wait. What do you mean? Dr. Jones to ER. Dr. Jones to ER. Oh, my God. How did you find me? I don't want to say I'm psychic, but if the shoe fits. Well, get in here. Oh, I want to introduce you to Lizzie. She's got some challenges. She doesn't talk. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, everybody talks, but only the real smart ones don't use their mouths, right, Lizzie? Oh, and you have got a killer smile. Which can be used both as a friendly thing and also as a weapon, which I'm sure you're already aware of. Nonetheless, it's great to finally meet you. Lizzie... have you got a power animal? Like a spirit animal? Like a guide? I'll bet you do. See, mine's the donkey. Now, my dad used to call me a jackass when I was a kid. And at first I thought it was an insult, and then I realized it's a compliment because jackasses are true, hardworking and loyal. Now, what's your power animal? Oh! The seagull, good choice! Butterscotch or chocolate? I'm a butterscotch man myself, but I can go either way. Just like to make sure everybody's happy with the sundaes and stuff. Butterscotch, goddamn it! Looks like I'm having chocolate again. And I think I remember you like the mint chocolate chip. How the hell did you remember that? Mind like a steel trap. You and Osama bin Laden? How does that work? What-what's your plan? Well, okay, you see, that right off the bat is a bit of a misnomer 'cause it's not my plan, it's God's plan. I didn't make the rules, God did. But the plan is I'm thinking about buying a boat and sailing to Pakistan... - "Sailing to Pakistan?" - Yeah, I was gonna... go to San Diego, buy a boat, sail to Pakistan, capture Osama bin Laden, bring him back to America for justice and stuff. That's the plan... it's pretty simple when you think about it. That's crazy. Sometimes, things are so sane they are beyond our comprehension... Do you know anything about sailing? Marci! You're so funny! The pirates did it, the Pilgrims did it, and they weren't even 21 st century guys. I'm a 21 st century guy! Gary, boats are very expensive, right? Do you have that kind of money? I got a little tucked away. You'd be surprised how much you can save when you don't pay your bills and you live on job sites. Uh, things get particularly "traumaticals," I can ask Dr. Ross, who's my kidney doctor, and he always has some money around to give to a worthy cause. And I'm thinking about taking Roy and Pickles with me to Vegas to make a little extra cash for my trip. You see, I'm doing this for people like you and Lizzie, to bring the fight into his backyard, to bring the fight to him, so he doesn't come into our backyard. Well, walk me through it. What are you gonna do, just fight him and kill him? No, no, that would be too easy. And I was told to capture him. And I-I don't want to kill anyone, anyway. I think I would just... kill him, on the spot, you know? I mean, not face-to-face, I don't want to see him face-to-face, but from far away, definitely. Yeah, well, if it comes down to that, then I'll drop a gun in front of him I'll drop a gun in front of me, and we'll draw, fair and square, Old West style. Your ramp is a piece of shit. I know. I-I can't afford to have it fixed right now, so... You and Lizzie... you deserve better. Good night, Gary. Night. Yah! Eh-yah-eh! Cha! Eh-yah-eh! Yah! What the fuck? You're awful pretty first thing in the morning. I consider that a positive sign! Well, you look like shit. And you got a sense of humor, 'cause I know that's not true. Hey, listen. These are my buddies, Roy... - Good morning. - Pickles... - How are you? - Two of the nicest dudes you'll ever meet. I... thank you for what you're doing, but, you know, it's really early and Lizzie's still asleep, so... Now, listen, when we're finished, you're gonna have a brand-new ramp and it's gonna be the envy of every crippled kid in the neighborhood. We don't say "cripple." She's challenged. Oh. You mean like us guys. Yeah. Um... Thank you. How much... how much do I owe you for this? Marci Mitchell, not a dime. That little girl deserves the best. But it might just cost you a whole lot of love. Well, um... - I might be a little short this month. - Ooh. See, now there's that smile again. That smile is something I'm gonna be thinking a lot about while I'm sailing to Pakistan. You are glowing, Marci Mitchell. You are radioactive. You are my lucky charm. I'm telling you, it was God. Like, Old Testament, New Testament Lord on high. He came to my bedside in the free clinic and he told me to do this. And I know you guys are skeptics. Pickles, I know you're, like, quasi-Buddhist backslash Senecan stoic, but I'm telling you it was God, he spoke to me, and I gotta do this! Hey, man, we're not arguing. We love Vegas. Hey, Gary, we were wondering: what did God look like? About how you'd imagine. Maybe a little younger. That's weird, I always thought he would've looked like Phil Donahue or someone like that. I always thought he'd be, like, a lion with, like, James Earl Jones' voice. Mm, that's cool. Hey, what did God say we should play? You play whatever you want. This is God's house, it's like a church. We can't lose. Come on, red! Oh! - Go. - Let 'em come. Oh! Uh... I don't know, I think... I'm all right. I'm all right right there. - No. Gary, come on. - No, no, no. No, no. Don't do it. Oh! Oh! You did it! He's my friend. He is my friend. - And he is lucky. - Hey. Are you smoking marijuana? No shit, Einstein. You think I might be smoking some weed? Uh, you need to put that out right now or we're gonna call the cops. Oh, you're gonna call the cops on The G. All right. Don't be a buzzkill. Get out of my sight. Man, I been seeing you shitheads all night. What the holy hell do you want? What do a bunch of Columbian drug lords care about Al-Qaeda anyway? Yeah, right. This ain't my first rodeo, hombre. And what if I don't? Ow! Hey, man... Ow! Those Columbians stole all my money! Wait, wait, wait. What Columbians? The drug ones! What are you talking about, man? You lost your money at the tables last night. Yeah, man, you should've quit while were you ahead. - You fucked up. - No! You guys want to hit the breakfast buffet? Ah! Nurse Taylor, how is Dr. Ross today? Is he feeling in a good mood? He's happy? - Chipper? - Oh, yeah. - Oh, good. - It's a golf day. Yes. Golf day, yes. Everything's looking good, Gary. Excellent. - Gary! - Dr. Ross, hi. How you feeling? Good to see you. - Yeah, you, too. - How have you been feeling? Uh, yeah, good. Good. Listen, uh... Nurse Taylor, is... Dr. Ross, is it okay if I just, uh, - talk with you in private for a minute? - Absolutely. Oh, thank you. - Excuse me. - Thank you. I can't believe you're still alive. Your blood work is amazing. Thank you so... Well, it's because of you. You and your care for me. You've kept me afloat with my kidney problem, you helped me with my pre-dialysis hallucinations... The other thing I want to say to you, Dr. Ross... in many ways, I feel like you're a brother to me. - Thank you. - I really care so much about you. Because you care. You're a good man. You're a charitable man. And you care about what's going on in our country. I've got a charity - that I would like to maybe ask you to invest in. - Okay. - All right. - 'Cause I know you take that stuff seriously. I'm going to sail to Pakistan. I'm gonna capture Osama bin Laden and bring him back to America for justice and stuff, - 'cause I think... - I'm sorry, say that again? I'm gonna go get Osama bin Laden out of Pakistan and I want to keep you safe, I want to keep America safe and, frankly, I want to keep me safe. - What are you talking about? - What I'm talking about is that I-I-I-I'm gonna buy a sailboat and I thought maybe... 'cause my dance card is a little light... that maybe you could loan me a thousand bucks, because I-I don't, it's a little light, and I'll pay you back, $250 a week, and then we can take care of this Al-Qaeda issue together. - A sailboat. - Yeah, to go to Pakistan to capture, uh, bin Laden. What do you really want the money for? Are you in some kind of trouble? Oh... I lied. - Yes. - I'm sorry. That's a crazy story. I mean, how can you sail a boat to Pakistan? I mean, if you stop dialysis, you're gonna start hallucinating. No, uh... Uh, I... Oh, it's humiliating. Dr. Ross... there's a girl I-I really love. And, uh, I can't afford the engagement ring. There's one for a thousand bucks, and I wanted to get her a diamond ring so that I could get engaged. Okay. Oh, bless your heart, Dr. Ross. - Y-You're telling me the truth now? - Absolutely. You're not gonna get on a boat and sail to Pakistan? No. Osama bin Laden. Me? Look at me. Wrong. - I got dialysis problems. - Yeah, that's why I was wondering, how would you do dialysis if you were on a boat sailing to Pakistan? - I couldn't do it. - You couldn't do it. I wouldn't be able do it, man. I'll go get my checkbook. - I'll be right back. - Yeah! Yeah! Hey, man, I don't want to... I don't want to be that guy, but, um... I'm pretty sure you can't sail to Pakistan. Yeah, well, they told George Washington the same thing. They told George Washington he... I-I'm pretty sure they told George Washington he couldn't cut down a tree or something. It's just a figure of speech. Look, I'm just saying, dude, like, have you looked at a globe? - It's kind of a long way to go... - Ah. - In a boat. - Ah. Ah. You know, you can do it, too, that-that's... you can... you can do a lot of stuff if you just kind of... Hey, you know, can I...? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, hey, hey, hey, thanks. - So are these mussels? - Yeah, man. So, I... they're not eating fish poo on the ground, right? - No. - Like the crabs and the oysters eat the fish shit? - Yeah, yeah. - So these are eating, what, krill? Kelp? What? Yeah. Like, fallity of the ocean stuff. - Ah, so fresh stuff, live stuff. So... - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like, healthy stuff. - I could eat that, right? You could do, like, a soup or something? - A broth, a bouillabaisse? - Yeah. - Good eatin'. - So do I need to get... Maybe do you have, like, some scuba gear... or, like, a snorkel and shit so I can get off the boat and scrape those off and then eat 'em while I'm sailing? - 'Cause it's a long trip. - Just grab some, like, goggles - and a snorkel and you're good, man. - Okay. Yeah, I got him. Yeah. Morning, sir! - Hi. - How you doing today? - Good. - Good! You know, you're parked in, uh, someone else's slip. What do you mean by "slip"? - Slip. - A slip. Yeah, I saw an empty parking space and I took it. Last time I checked, this was still America. Yeah, it's not a parking lot. It's a harbor. - Uh-huh. - All of these boats you see, they're all registered to people who own these slips. Okay, officer... madam... Super Cop, whatever your name is, do you know who I am? Yeah. I'm Gary Faulkner, and I'm trying to do something very important here, okay? I'm trying to protect you. I'm trying to go to Pakistan so I can capture Osama bin Laden. I'm gonna bring him to justice. And I think you're... you're kind of impinging on important duty right now. Pakistan's a long way away, sir. I am fully aware of it, so if... The sooner you let me do my business, the sooner I can protect you. You prepared for this trip? - You got a life preserver? - No, I do not have - a life preserver. - Safety flares. I do not have safety flares. - First aid kit? - I do not have a first aid kit. In fact, I've never... Any working knowledge of how to operate a sailboat? I have never sailed before. Which is why I broke my arm, because I was trying to higher up the sail. I was trying to higher it up. I was trying to raise it. Hoist it. Okay. Um... - gonna get you to hang tight. - Very good. - I'm gonna be right back. - Dig it! - Okay. - All right. I need... I need you to come down here right now. Okay, clowns! Doubters, doubters! Debbie Doubters! Looks like I'm still sailing! And you know why I'm still sailing? Because it is not my will, it's God's will. Shit! Is this Pakistan? No, seor. Not knowing how to sail turned out to be a bigger liability than I originally thought, but boy, Mexico sure is beautiful. And... to that effect, on the beach of Mexico, I found this for you. I thought you might like to use it as a hairbrush. And then, this shell... Isn't that something? It looks like a pyramid. And then this is the venomous cone shell. Now, this animal is very powerful. It shoots a poison dart out... Bam! Right there, you're dead in two seconds. Glad I didn't get hit with that. And this one looks like a spiral staircase. Now, I want to make a spiral staircase for you one day. You can have it and it'll be made out of oak. Oh. Yeah. And I got something for you. Dah-dah-dah-dah! San Diego, huh? - Oh, well, thank you for thinking of me. - You're welcome. - I'm glad you're okay. - I'm always okay. Well, you know, I'm just thinking about the dialysis. Don't you have to go in for dialysis on your kidney a couple times a week? First of all, the good Lord protects his sacred warriors, that's first of all. I forget second of all. Well, you had us worried, you asshole. I'm sorry. I'll put a quarter in the jar. Well, thank you, ladies, thank you both. I'm so glad to be back home with you two. I really love that little girl. That-that child is amazing. And she just took to you. I've never seen her do that with somebody. I don't usually let people get close to her so quickly. I mean, you're the first guy I've had in the house since I broke up with my ex. I appreciate that. I'd do anything for her. I'd do anything for you. You can count on me. I'm not just saying that. Well, I-I am just saying that, but I-I mean it. I'm glad you're here. I like being here. Are you seeing anyone right now? No. I... broke up with someone a year ago and... eh. It's-it's been almost three years for me. Huh. You're-you're such a stud. I figured you'd have, like, girls all over the place, hidden around and... No, see that-that's just hype. See, the thing is... I'm-I'm picky. No, well, I... I'm overcompensating, see? 'Cause I-I-I don't feel like that, all that, you know? And I've-I've had some issues 'cause of the way I talk. And sometimes the way I-I look you know? I... so I haven't felt very confident, but-but I am feeling something with you. I'm feeling some connection with you and I really... I really like you, Marci. Oh, I'm blushing. I feel like I'm in high school. Me too. Can I kiss you? You... What a gentleman. Yeah. I barely even remember how to do this. You want to go upstairs and try and remember? Remember Osama bin Laden? Public enemy number one, we got to get Osama bin Laden. The fact that we can't find him is a big deal, folks, all right? He's tethered to a dialysis machine that he somehow drags around from recording session to recording session. You know, that-that's got to leave some sort of trail in sand, can't we track that down? Osama bin Laden. - You know where he is. - Definitely. Because he dumped some woman. Welcome to Books 'n Shit. So you have a new book out. - Congratulations by the way. - Thank you. Um, it's called The New Testament. - The New Testament. - The New Testament. It's a sequel of sorts to the original, um... - The Old Testament. - The Old Testament. Um, is there a movie in the works? We are working on a movie, uh, with James Cameron. He's great. Yeah, I mean, the guy's confident. You can't buy it in a store, you can't buy it online, you can't buy it tomorrow. This sweet little thing is limited to one. This one, the only one. Are you listening to me, Gary? This is Excalibur brought back to life, this is Damocles fallen. This item is available for a penny. A tiny, brown, copper sphincter of nothingness. Gary? Focus. We're talking about destiny, Gary. Carpe diem, seize the day, seize the moment, take the blade. Hi-yah! Marci, I've been going about this all wrong. You know what I'm gonna do now? I'm gonna change it up. I'm gonna hang glide into Pakistan. Well, that sounds dangerous. Huy-des! That's okay, everything about this mission is dangerous. Do you even know how to hang glide? - No, but I got a plan. - What plan? Israel. I'm gonna go to a mountain in lsrael and I'm gonna jump off. If I fly, I fly into Pakistan. If I crash, I crash into the Dead Sea, which is the deepest hypersaline lake in the world. Yeah, they about 34% salinity over there and stuff. Just about the saltiest body of water you'll ever see. So everything, no matter how heavy, floats on it. So, if I crash, I'll float, which is good because I-I don't know how to swim. - No, that's a terrible idea. - Marci, every good idea sounded terrible at first. Think about it. Binny boy won't be expecting it, that's the main thing. You got to have the element of surprise. And the other thing you got to add is... a sword! Chi-yas! You know what? I'm rude, look at me. Hogging all the fun. Come on, let me show you something. - Oh... - Marci, come on. Look at this. - Okay, turn around. - Okay. - Now, hold it in your hand. - Okay. Feel the weight, respect it, respect it. Now, I want you to just go down like that, okay? Mm-hmm. Right. Okay, now, when I toss it, you slice it, slice and dice it. All right, so, let's do this. Okay, here we go. And... A five, six, seven, eight. Ah-ha, you did it! Yay! I see why you like this. - You work here? - Yeah. Okay, listen, I'm looking to buy a hang glider. - Okay. - 'Cause I'm gonna hang glide - from a mountain in lsrael - Okay. To Pakistan, 'cause I got to capture Osama bin Laden and pull him right out of his cave. - That's quite the adventure. - That's right. - But I need a hang glider. - Well, the North Wing, uh, - she is a sweet, sweet bird, yeah. - I like that. Sounds good. "Sweet bird's" what I like. - Now, I was gonna take a boom box, - Okay. Hang it, dangle it, from the hang glider. Listen to music to inspire me, to motivate me for my mission. What sort of music would you suggest would be the best music to hang glide to? Okay, well, I wouldn't hang a boom box from the wing 'cause you're gonna throw off your balance. You got to spare me the physics lesson and just answer the question. Okay, uh, so you're looking for some, like, pump-up, - inspirational, kind of... - That's right. Tom Petty? Stupidest thing I've ever heard. - Okay. - Okay? Now, listen, if I was gonna cut that up into pieces, 'cause I got to get it into my luggage to get it over to lsrael. How many pieces would I cut it into? Three? Four? Five? Well, the-the thing about a hang glider is it-it's all, uh, one piece. You can't cut it up. Son... I can do anything. I am Gary Faulkner. I am the Donkey King. Wow. Sir, that is a samurai sword. Uh, you cannot take that on the plane. No, listen, you don't understand, I need this sword to do what I have to do. You trying to get my killed by Al-Qaeda? Is that, is that what you want? No, I want you to realize that you cannot take a sword onto an airplane. Can't. If there weren't people like me doing things that people like you told us that we couldn't do, then nothing great would ever get done and America wouldn't be awesome. And let me tell you something, lady, we may have our flaws, but America is awesome! You cannot carry the sword onto the plane. Tell that to George Washington! Gary! Pack the sword. Yes, my Lord. You guys seem like a couple of nice kids. Where you from? Are you from lsrael? You're from one of the other, uh, Middle Eastern, uh, countries, or Pakistan, or, uh, Tunisia? All right, well, I'm gonna... I'm gonna start running now. I'm gonna pick it up, and I'm gonna run. Okay? You got to get out so I can run. Let's go. Go, go, go! Ha-ha! Success! Look at me now! No! Shit! Fuck! Goddamn it! You fucker! As Gary lay broken on the rocky terrain of Israel... Fuck it! Doubt crept in. And perhaps a small voice asked, "I wonder if Marci is serving her guacamole and chips tonight." Gare-bear. Hey, babe. Look at you, having a little spa day, huh? Thanks. Thank you so much for letting me crash here again. Oh, no problem. Lizzie, uh... Well, you know, Lizzie and I love having you here, so... Would you look at me? I'm as crippled as Lizzie is. Well, I mean, she's a... ten-year-old girl with cerebral palsy, and you are a grown man who jumped off a cliff on purpose. - I retract my previous statement. - Yeah. Where is she anyway? You know, I got a present for her. Oh, she's at physical therapy. I'm gonna go get her in an hour. Okay, well, listen, check this out. You can buy the shit out of these things in lsrael. That's water from the fucking Jordan river. That's the fucking river where fucking Jesus was baptized. She's gonna love this. Yeah. That was so thoughtful. Thank you. I got you something too. Yeah, look how beautiful that is. - "Israel rocks." - Yeah. Yeah, it does. God, Gary, thanks. Why did I sit there and let you take that glider apart? - The hang glider? - Yeah. That was a lemon. Hey. Do you want to get behind some hedges and, uh, you know, show me your tattoo again? Uh-huh? Uh-huh? You are a little horn dog. - Even all banged up like this. - Yeah. I don't know, it ain't just animal lust, of which I have plenty, as you can well attest. Sometimes I think I need a vet. No, I find that, uh... I actually love you quite a bit. I love you too, Gary. But you're on a mission from God. So where does that leave me? Well, you'll have to take that up with him directly. I haven't even made it to Pakistan yet, I got to get over there as soon as I'm healed. I'm gonna go in. Do you want a water or something? No, I'm all right. Wait, wait, wait, wait, come on, hold-hold on a second, hold on a second. What if I didn't go? What if I just... stuck around here and helped out, you know? I'm a pretty good handyman. I could help out around the house. Yeah. I'd love that, you know? But if you really feel like you're on a mission, and I tell you to stay here, you're gonna hate me. I... I couldn't handle that, so... You think about it, and, um... and, uh, we'll talk later. I just want to enjoy my life a little bit. I want to spend some time, a domestic kind of, uh, lifestyle, with Marci and Lizzie, you know. - Good for you, Gary. - Yeah. Yeah, that-that Pakistan shit, the whole Osama thing is pretty crazy. Maybe so, but crazy is my last name. - Isn't it crazy is my middle name? - Yeah. My middle name is Brooks. It's that old Gary. - All right. - Well, that's the truth. Okay, we got to jet, we got a movie. - Yeah, you should come with us. - Yeah, no, I'm gonna stay here and, uh, finish my beer, and then, uh, maybe just go back to Marci's house and enjoy my, uh, my humble little domestic lifestyle. - All right. - I'll take care of this guys. - Don't worry about that. Yeah. - Really? -Really? - All right, see you later. - All right, bye. All right, see you later. In Afghaninstan - with his latest findings. - Bye. Since the battle of Tora Bora in December of 2001, there has been no actionable intelligence about where bin Laden is. There are informed hypotheses that he's in the northwest frontier provinces - of Pakistan... - I hate this show. Somewhere in the tribal areas. W-Were you going to be doing something for me? I was... I am. 'Cause it looks to me like you're quitting. I ain't no quitter. 'Cause what would you think would happen if I, God, just quit? - Chaos! - Chaos. I mean, we've got chaos already, but we'd be talking about a much worse form of chaos. Godless chaos. Who said anything about quitting? What you don't seem to appreciate Gary, is the notion of omniscience. That means I know everything, so I know you're thinking about Marci. I know you're thinking about domesticity and settling down and how cute that will be. And it really bugs me when men let woman-shit get in the way of man-business. There's two words you need to consider: "God" and "America." That's what this is about. Okay? So what part of "I am everything," "I know everything," do you not understand? Uh, uh, if you know everything, then why don't you tell me where to find Binny boy? I can tell you Pakistan, and you can't even get there. Now you're thinking about quitting. You're a disappointment to me, Gary. I've been waiting for you to help me. Gary, shut the fuck up. This is a holy quest. Holy quests are challenging. When I asked Abraham to slaughter Isaac, that was challenging. He didn't just say, "Oh, he's my son. What am I gonna do? I love him. What am I gonna tell his mum?" When I said to David, you've gotta kill Goliath, it was challenging. He didn't say, "Look at the size of him. I can't do anything about it." It's a challenging situation that you're in. I plucked you from obscurity. You're a lucky fuck. You should feel blessed, not burdened. So, Gary, I don't want to hear any more talk about quitting or Marci, or TVs, or sitting and relaxing, having a beer. Otherwise, I'm gonna smite you. I'm gonna smite you, and any memory or remnant of you. Your dad, Gary Faulkner... "l didn't have a son." Marci... "I don't remember meeting some twinkle-eyed, goofy, cute guy." I will eliminate you from history, all traces of you. Okay? So have a little think about that, and then make the decision that will make us both proud. Oh, great. You're drunk. I blew it. I was weak. I took my eyes off the prize, and he saw it. What prize? Who are you talking about? I gotta... I gotta... get to Pakistan. Pakistan? What... what are you talking about... Pakistan? I thought you were done with all that nonsense. What about moving in here with me? What about fixing the ramp? I have a more important job to do. You know what? I need my four hours of sleep tonight. I've got to work two of my three jobs tomorrow, so I'm going to bed alone. What do you think? It's great. I told you I'd finish it. I'm sorry I slammed the door in your face and yelled at you, but, you know, you were really being crazy, and I don't need that shit. Marci Mitchell, don't you ever apologize to me for anything. You are perfect. You are an angel, and I'll see you when I get back from Pakistan. Sir, we have been through this. I do not care about George Washington. You cannot go to Pakistan without an entry visa. This is bureaucratic morass is what this is. Gary. Yes, my Lord. And God just... gave you a sign. That's right. And now you want to go to Pakistan... Why? To get bin Laden. Osama bin Laden. No, Harold bin Laden. Yes, Osama bin Laden. The terrorist. Is this some kind of joke? No, this couldn't be any less of a joke, sir. This is as serious as a thing can get. Okay, you give me one good reason why I should stamp this and the United States of America should let Gary Brooks Faulkner into one of the hairiest places on Earth. Well, do you believe in God? And America? And justice? And freedom?! And just doing what's right?! Hmm. Thank you. Go get him. So, I'm going to Pakistan to capture Osama bin Laden. Bring him to justice. God told me to do it. He didn't think I was being urgent enough about it. Thought I was giving in to temptation again, which has been one of my problems. Kept me from achieving certain things and stuff, but I'm gonna tell you what. God kicked the ever-loving shit out of me. So, now here I am, back on mission. I shouldn't be telling you this, but I already got a lead. You see, it turns out over here, people call Binny boy The Bearded One. So, there, that could be helpful. Gary arrived in Pakistan a stranger in a strange land. He was determined to observe the customs of the local people and perhaps glean clues that would lead him to bin Laden. Reason for visit? Taking care of business. Once through Customs, Gary saw a world both familiar and foreign. In his personal diary, Gary wrote of his first day in Pakistan... "Got to Islamabad. "Interesting people. Hot as balls." So, anyways, so, how do you like it here in Pakistan, my brother? Pakistan is very, very, very beautiful. Pakistan is beautiful. Yeah, well, I figured you'd say something like that on account of national pride. Well, I love America, so we're even. I love America, too. Yeah? Well, America's very good. America's the best goddamn country in the world. And I say that putting my personal bias and national pride aside because we don't have no Al-Qaeda holing up in the States. Al-Qaeda here in Pakistan, very bad. Yeah, very bad. - Well, see, I like you... - Very bad. Because we got a cultural connection. But what I need to do is I need to get to the Hotel AlBaraka. I'm on a very important mission. I'm looking for The Bearded One. Uh, do you know where - I can find The Bearded One? - The Bearded One? The Bearded One. I am... I have got beard. Yeah, no, I know you got a beard, but I'm talking about The Bearded One. Do you have Denny's in Pakistan? Does The Bearded One go to Denny's? Gary Faulkner, U.S.A. Gary Faulkner, U.S.A. Fuckner? Fuckner?! No, not Fuckner, man. It's Faulkner, man. Faulkner. Fuck-ner. No, uh, it's Faulkner, man. Fuckner, that's what you said. Not Fuckner, Faulkner, man. Just call me The G. Uh, you got a bellhop that can help me with my bags? No, h-h-he's... he's dead. Dead? Did Al-Qaeda shoot the bellhop? No! Not at all, sir. Gangsters, sir. - He was killed for... - Gangsters? Not Al-Qaeda? We have no Al-Qaeda here. I got an AK-47 shoved up my ass. He-he want... he want to s... to-to-to know about America. Man, America's good! - Hamburger. - We got... we got hamburgers. We got Dairy Queen. We got the best chicken wings in the world. - Woman, woman, woman. - Fuck, man, but - we got the California girls, man. - Woman. Fuckner good, Fuckner good. I told you, just call me The G. You are so funny. - I like it. - Oh, yeah. All right, look, can somebody show me where my room is? I got to get, uh, I have a very important mission. Try it, motherfucker! Like all men on covert ops, Gary's first day was spent doing reconnaissance. Scouring the streets, looking for clues. A motivated Gary Faulkner was a dangerous Gary Faulkner. Nothing could stop him when he was on a mission. Nothing could make him lose focus when he had a plan. These are all things Gary Faulkner told me. You have many diverse kind of sundry spices here. I think I can use some of these spices in my chicken wing hot sauce, but I need molasses, too. Molasses. Do you have molasses? No, molasses, not jackasses. I didn't call you jackasses. I said molasses. Not calling you a jack... Here you go. Thank you. I'm looking for something pretty for a young lady. - Yes, yes. - She's not even ten. Okay? Something exotic, something... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something that has some flavor to it. Now, wait, this could work. - This is good. - Yeah. This could work. Come on, here take this. I'm gonna take that. Good. Good, you got the... you got the long knives. You got the short knives. You got the... you got the Damascus. Check this out. Nothing? All right. Well, you have a blessed day. No, man. You're do... you're doing it all wrong, man. You're not talking to the meat. That's how come you've got no customers. You got to... you got to talk to the meat. Goat meat, like all meat, has a vertical line and it has a horizontal line, and at the epicenter of where those two lines cross is where the spirit of the meat comes out. You say, "Thank you, baby goat." "Thank you, baby goat." "Thank you, baby goat." At the end of the first day, Gary realized this might be harder than he thought. If only God could give him a sign. Looks like my brother Gary cooked up a storm. I couldn't get the molasses, but if these aren't the best chicken wings you've ever tasted, then I'm not the Donkey King. Thank you, sir, you are so kind. Oh. - Mmm. - Mmm. Don't worry, sir! I-I know a dentist. He's very good. Okay. Pass that around. That's nice. I fucking love Pakistan. Ride it, cowboy. Ride. Yeah. The G... wants to get his pinball on. No worky? There you go. Come on, come on, yeah. Do you want to play some more? Ah, you fucking...! Thief! Hey! Hey! Stop! Hey! You stop it! Hey! You fucking fuck! Hey! Shit! Whoa! You know, I'm here to capture The Bearded One, so if you have any info on him, please let me know, but really? I don't see why you, sir, are messing with this young lady. All right. So, we're gonna do this. Step aside, motherfuckers. 100% pure Japanese Damascus steel. Hey, hey, calm down, wait! Ah, smell that, sir? What's up? Smell of a people and a culture clamoring for democracy. And aloo paratha. That the bread thing? - Yeah, with the potato inside. - Yeah, yeah. - I like that, I like that. - It's delicious. I mean, they make some good stuff here. Bread was invented here in the lndus river valley. - Really? - Yeah. That's great. Fascinating. What's this? This... regards an American samurai who is at loose in the slums of lslamabad. - What does that mean? - He appeared out of nowhere and he botched an ongoing investigation. An American ninja. - Samurai. - An American samurai. American Ninja was a movie, 1985, Michael Dudikoff. So, who is the guy? We have no idea. Well, let's find out. I will. - Gorgeous sunset. - Oh! - Jesus. - Sorry. Don't do that. - I wasn't trying to scare you. - God. What do you think? Why you have a thobe? You still want to go undercover, don't you? Please? Look, you're too tall. You're going to stick out like a sore thumb. I'm not pretending to be Pakistani. What are you going to be? I'm going to be a, uh, a national living abroad. A South African, a Dutchman. A Norwegian, perhaps... a farmer. - W... you have this... - A mercenary. Bizarre fantasy that somehow you're the Dutch James Bond or something. I love James Bond. The Living Daylights was on last night. Timothy Dalton... - greatest Bond of all time. - No. - No? - No, no, no. Who do you like... oh, Sean Connery? No. - Roger Moore? - No. The-the new guy with the... - The m... the Russian thug? No. - Muscles? What's happening with our American samurai? American samurai, actual name, Gary Faulkner. He's been indicted several times, minor, uh, misdemeanors. Works as a handyman. He's searching for Osama bin Laden. What do you mean, "he's searching for Osama bin Laden?" He's obsessed. If this fucking lunatic's anywhere near him, I'm truly fucked. - Do you understand me? - That's true. So this cannot happen, all right? - This is worse... - This is on you. This is worse than the $5 million. It's wo... it's worse than the $5 million, so you know what? Do your job. Find this guy. Bring him in. And we're going to neutralize him. Welcome Al-Qaeda crips to my cave. My name is OBL, Osama bin Laden. But this is my homies on the left here. This guy here, he make them white boys tremble, so we just call him Milkshake, you know. We got one DVD box set, Seinfeld, man. D-don't know... Jews are funny, man. - Like Kramer. - Jerry! Osama, Osama Jr., Osama III, 'cause Osama Junior Junior Junior was stupid. Yo, Muhammad, third from the right, who's she? My main man, ldi Amin. Pulled some tight shit in Uganda. You know what I'm saying? Ayatollah Khomeini. This guy got mad beard skills, man. Got the baddest motherfucker alive, George W. Bush. Oh, God! Hey, hey, hey, hey. Oh, my God! - Get in the truck, Gary. - Yes, my... I'm sorry. Where are you going, Gary? I don't know. You don't even know where you're going, do you? You're just wandering around aimlessly. No particular direction. No better than a paramecium. A what? A paramecium, Gary. It's a single cellular life form I created some time ago. I was pretty proud of it back then. Still around to this day, because Noah, in his infinite wisdom, chose to put it on the Ark, along with syphilis and gonorrhea. Y-you're all-knowing, right? Yeah, yeah, I am, all-knowing. Yeah. Well, then, why don't you help me? I mean, just like a-a drop. Helping hint. There's no hints, Gary. This is not a treasure hunt, or a quiz show. You got freedom of choice. Freedom of thought. Do you know how beautiful that is? I mean, I know every thought before you think it, and let me tell you, a lot of the thoughts you got coming up are pretty fucking stupid. I am God. I am the question and the answer. - Yes, my Lord! - What's this now? What's this? It's not Aladdin. I'm not a genie. You are genuflecting too aggressively. You're gonna set off the airbag. Well, uh, of course, I could be wrong, my Lord. My Sweet Lord, but I-I think this model doesn't come with airbags. Shut up, Gary! Shut up! Sorry. Lord, I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm just lost. You got any idea how many times I hear that every day? "I'm lost, then I was found. I'm blind, now I can see." I'm tired of that lost shepherd, lost sheep shit. Yes, Lord. - Don't fucking "Yes, Lord" me. - Yes, Lord. - I said don't say that. - Yes, Lord. - Gary! -Yes, Lord. - What? -No, Lord. - Are you saying no to me, Gary? - No! I'm doing too much shit to worry about this. I've got 14 trillion things to deal with right now. I'm doing a million things in this moment. I'm dealing with Hezbollah, Ebola, some guy called Obama, Coca-Cola. I got a lot of shit to deal with. Do you understand me? But I just want you to be happy. Well, then, Gary, try this. I help those that help themselves. Gary began to battle episodes of paranoid hallucinations. Maybe it was because he had gone weeks without dialysis. Maybe it was because he had smoked, in his words, "A shit-ton of hash." He sensed eyes on him, and saw danger in every corner. Hey! Give me that moped. Give me that thing. Give it up. Get out of my way! You're letting him get away. My handle was bad. You're letting him get away! Technically, a yacht is, uh, anything over 30 feet. This was just below, it was about 26, so I wouldn't say it was a yacht. What was the yacht for? Uh, sailing in San Diego. - Business? - Uh, yeah. Sure, business. Wh... no. I was trying to get Osama bin Laden. That's what I'm here for. We've already been over this. Uh-huh. And-and so what were you doing in the yacht? - Were you smuggling? - No, I wasn't smuggling. I was trying to get here. - Who are you working with? - Uh... I'd tell you, but you wouldn't believe me. - MI-5. - No. - SAVAC? - No. - Mossad. - No. - It was... - No, no. I'm a lone wolf. - Is that your handler? - My handler? - I don't have a handler. - You and who? - No, it's just me. You know, - And? I-I don't expect someone like you - would understand that. - Try me. - Just give me a name. - Any name. Any contact. All right, well, we can talk about that one right now. I-I... it's just me and God. Is-is he your handler, God? You don't know who God is? - He's God! - Where is he currently? - Can we talk to him? - God? - Yeah, can I talk to him? - He's everywhere. - Do you have an email address? - He's everywhere. Just one place. Name one place. Uh, he's right here, right now. - You know what I'm going to do? - What? I'm going to make your life a living hell. 'Cause I can do that. - 'Cause I have power. - Oh! - Is that a threat? - Yeah. Yeah. All right, this is it. You know what? You'll never even travel again. You're grounded. I am going to send you out of here right now to pack up your shit, and we're going to - put you on a plane, - Deporting you. - And send you back to America. - I love this. - Thank you. - Where you will stay. - Okay. - You will never come back - to Pakistan again. - Okay. - Buh-bye. - All right. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Maybe we should turn him. Make him one of ours. He's got the goods. I just want to say thank you. It was good and it was cheap, and-and you're my friend, - and I love you. - Thank you, sir. You're so kind. You'll be always welcome. Thank you, sir. Shareef Hahsid, thank you for keeping me safe. Thank you. - Bye, sir. - Bye. Have a nice trip. - We will miss you. - I'll miss you, too. - Maybe I like to visit America one time. - Oh, man. - You gotta come with me to America, dude. - Yeah, yeah. - If you come back another time, - Abso... - I want to visit your mother place. - Absolutely, Shareef. - Yeah, take care. - Absolutely. Get down! It was later learned that the shots fired from the rooftop were not from an Al-Qaeda sniper, but the result of a dispute between the shooter and the hotel's security guard, concerning one of the man 's two wives and a goat. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, comi ng through. Sorry, coming through. Goddamn it! Fucking scaffolding?! Next time use a backup line. Taxi! Taxi! My friend! My friend! - Taxi! - I will give you a ride. Come. Do you see that motorcycle? - Follow him. - Like movie. Yeah. Like movie, although real. Go, Havidee, go! Ah! Fuck! We have been driving for two hours. I'm running out of gas. That son-of-a-bitch is Al-Qaeda. That is his name, Al-Qaeda? - No, he's in Al-Qaeda. - He is? That's right. And he's going to lead us - to Osama bin Laden. - Us? - Are you serious? - I'm damn serious. There he is. He's going up the hill. Follow him. I'm telling you, we're gonna lose this guy. I cannot, my friend. This old thing will not make it up the road. All right. Look, I understand. Are you sure you won't come back with me? We could have tea and talk about football and women. Maybe some day, my friend. Maybe some day, but right now, I've got a job to do. After all the hardships, the struggles, the wrong turns, Gary had caught the scent of his quarry. Osama bin Laden was just over this hill. Hello. Shit. Everybody really wants to know How it is that I love you so. Hi, God. Hey, Gary. Here you are, closer to him than ever. And he's out here, isn't he? You feel him, Gary. He's out here. I was irresponsible in making your species. Cursing you with consciousness. Gary. I'm just like you. A handyman trying to fix up a cosmic shack with a nail here and a lick of paint there. Knowing that the building really needs to be condemned. People say that I made you in my image, but the truth is, you made me in yours. That's why we're in trouble. The G is in the air. King Donkey's in the sky. Hey, there. It's me. It's the G. What the hell? Oh, shit. I see you, Binny boy. The time has come. The G has arrived. Yeah, yeah, y-y-yeah. Y-y-yeah, y-y-y-yeah! Bin salam alaikum Binny boy. Alaikum salaam, Gary Fuckner. This is where you live? This shit hole? What happened to the place I saw on TV? W-What place was that, Gary? Your crib, man. Don't you watch TV? You had all those photos with the terrorists. Your own customized pinball machine. - Pin... what is pinball? - Don't fuck with me. Gary, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. You know it's really very simple. Let me see if I can explain it to you in words you might be able to understand. America's the greatest country on Earth. I'm not talking about the government. I might even agree with you there, a bunch of crooks and liars. I'm talking about the people, Osama. They're good people. Gary, stop it. Stop talking. - Uh, oh. - Shut up. - Shut up, is that what you're saying? - Yes. I don't really know how you got in here, or what you're even doing here, but I'm going to give you one chance to turn around and leave. Oh, you're going to give me a chance. Yes. See, I'm Osama bin Lad... Don't laugh. I'm Osa... Hey. - No, I'm Osama bin Laden. - Okay. Yeah, and I'm the head of the Al-Qaeda. And I will not rest until my mission is accomplished, or at least until I die a glorious fiery death trying. Stop laughing. I had a feeling you were going to say something like that. In that case... looks like I've got a job to do. Un-fucking-believable. Ooh! No! No! No! Aha! Shit! My fingers are tingling! It's not my fucking fault. I didn't expect that. Stop that. How it is that - I love you so - What are you doing? - My Money - Lunatic. Call me honey Just fucking fight normally, guy. Let me say how - There's just a - We brawl. Wave of his hand. Shut up! Let it kill. I won! I won! Mr. Faulkner. - Good morning. - Hi. How are you feeling? - Can I get you anything? A Pepsi? - Stop, stop it. He's a diabetic; don't give him a Pepsi. You're gonna throw him into shock. - Where am I? Where am I? - Diet Pepsi? - You are in a hospital - A U.S. hospital. - In Islamabad. - You were found in a field unconscious. Where's Osama? Osama?! Gosh, he's not here. - What about the cave? - Mr. Faulkner, there are millions of caves in Pakistan. I don't think you were in a cave. Even if you were in a cave, we wouldn't be able to identify which cave you were in. - You let him go! - You know what, you're frustrated. - Calm down, your heart. - We're all frustrated, Mr. Faulkner. - I had Osama bin Laden! - You did not have him! - And you let him go! - You never had him! - Don't you bother me. - You never had... You let Osama bin Laden go. - Stay, please. - You never had - OBL! - I had him! You let him go! - Hey. - Oh, oh! - I'm back. - Oh, my God, get in here. - Okay. - Oh, my God. Lizzie! Guess who it is? There she is! Oh, I've got surprises. I've got goodies. Oh, look at this. You know what this is? Look. This is an exotic dress from Pakistan. Isn't that nice? - That is gorgeous. - Yeah, well, they were very nice there. They were. They were very welcoming, and one day I'd like to take both of you there. It'd be an adventure. We'd love to go. - Yeah. - Right? Yeah. I hope you don't mind. I called a radio station, and-and I told them all about you... - Radio station? - And I think they want - to interview you... - Oh. Later on this week, if that's okay. An interview? Well, I'd have to check my schedule. You know, I have a lot to do. I'm-I'm planning and training and... but, uh, well, we'll see, we'll see. - Yeah. - Oh. - I'm glad you're home. - I'm glad to be back. - I am. - I'm so glad you're home. - I'm so glad I'm home. - Thank you. I'm so glad I'm home. - Okay, you want to try this on? - Yeah. Duh-duh-duh-duh! - Huh? - Oh! Yeah! You look great. I'll get it! - Gary! Gary! Gary! - The fuck! Oh, shit! Oh, my God. Tell us about your experiences. Yeah, yeah, with bin Laden, yeah. Dr. Ross, it's-it's Gary. He's on the radio. Uh, tell us, Gary, how did you finance the trip? Yeah, I lied to my kidney doctor. I told him I bought an engagement ring, but really I bought a boat and sailed to Pakistan. Most people thought I was crazy, but I guess to my friends, I seem normal. Yeah. You know, I really could not have done anything without Marci, and you know what they say. It's easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission. Hollywood called, and they want to make a movie about The G, and they said, "Who do you want to play you? Clint Eastwood or Dan Aykroyd?" I thought, "I don't know." And then they brought up Nic Cage. I said, "Nic Cage did Con Air." Don't you think I look a little like Nic Cage in Con Air? Let me help you with the groceries. - I can get that. - Thanks. Yeah. Lettuce. Oh, thanks. Oh, wow. Roasted marshmallows are the best. These are the best. Um... you know, I was going to make veggie lasagna tonight. I'd love to but... I-I-I got to be straight with you because I know it's important, you know. I-I'm going back to Pakistan. You're going back to Pakistan. Well, yeah, I got to get the job done. Are you afraid of anything? Does anything scare you? Islands. Islands? What do you mean? - Like... island-islands? - Yeah... yeah. Like Hawaii? Yeah, most people are afraid of islands. They just don't know it, but it's natural. It's natural to fear them because when you're on an island you're surrounded and stuff, and, anyway, I'm more inclined 'cause I'm a Leo, and lions... they just have no place on an island. I mean, that's a fact. That's a fact. Do you want to know what I'm afraid of? Bats. No. That's all I got. It's a long list. Well, hey, listen... as long as I'm around, if you need any help slaying any demons, I'm your man. And what about when you're not here? - Come on. - Where's Lizzie? School. Come on. Tonight, I can report to the American people that the United States has conducted an operation that killed Osama bin Laden, the leader of Al-Qaeda. The images of 9/11 are seared into our national memory. And a terrorist responsible for the murder of thousands of innocent men, women, and children. Jet planes... cutting through... a cloudless September sky. The Twin Towers collapsing to the ground. I determined that we had enough... Oh, my God, this is a big day for America, okay. Those guys are heroes. To get Osama bin Laden and bring him to justice. The United States launched a targeted operation against that compound... Gary, are you okay? Oh, yeah. That crazy God of mine. He sure works in mysterious ways. It's a sign. I'd be foolish not to heed it. You know, that last construction company offered me a job. Maybe it's time we take this to the next level. There's no doubt that Al-Qaeda will continue to persue attacks against us. Traditional procedures for lslamic burial were followed. The deceased's body was washed, then placed in a white sheet. After, the body was placed on a prepared flat board, tipped up, whereupon the deceased's body slipped into the sea. Well... what do you think? They buried him at sea. Really? No pictures yet released, but there's still a lot more information... The U.S. government is embarrassed, because they have not caught him yet, so they want to make us believe that he's dead. Otherwise, why not show us his face? Show us his body. Why-why the burial at sea? He's alive and I'm the only one who can capture him. I am Gary Faulkner. I'm the Donkey King. It's a lie! I'm going back! That's right, Lizzie. When you find your purpose, you have to do it. You have to do it, no matter what. Lizzie! Lizzie! This is my sword. Well, it was my sword. Now it's your sword. Wait a minute. You don't need a sword. This is just a stick to hold a balloon. Just a handle for joy as far as I'm concerned. So, you hold on tight, sweetheart, because joy comes forever. Joy comes forever. Aw, I love you, too, sweetheart. Don't wait up, babe. Gary! Come back. Don't worry, I will. So, why don't you use your free will and freedom of choice, and then make the decision that'll make us both proud. What? What if I just gave up? You, me, and... Lizzie, we could just spend some time together. I love you, Marci Mitchell. I don't know. Come on. Gary. Gary! Gary! All's I want to go do is take a nap for about two days. Gary Faulkner from Greeley, Colorado, was found alone in a forest in northern Pakistan. Well, I was thinking that someone's got to get him. Why not me? And joining us now exclusively this morning is Gary Faulkner. - Good morning. - Well, good morning. Did you find out where he was? Yeah, he's waiting in a cave for me to go get him. But because he had broken no laws, Pakistan didn't charge him with any crime. All of this right here, I didn't even want any of it. You were in Pakistan for ten days. You were captured by the Pakistani officials. His trips cost a lot of money, but they were not about him. He said they were about the American people. I have never met more humble and open people than that. Well, how do you go about trying to find Osama bin Laden? You don't. You let the spirit guide you.