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06 July 2015

I still remember the feeling of my knees hitting the concrete floor of the garage as I watched him back out and drive away. I had followed him out to the car begging him not to leave, but it didn't matter. I watched as he threw the dress shirts I had ironed for him just a few days earlier into the back seat of the car and slammed the door. He pulled out of the driveway amidst my pleading and sobbing, and didn't even look back. He had made his decision after a month of going back and forth, and he was gone. I couldn't bring myself to get up off of the floor, so I didn't. I buried my face in my hands and cried. In that moment, I felt like I would never be whole again. I was still in shock that this was happening and I almost remember thinking that I was going to wake up at any minute and my life would be normal again. I didn't wake up. Instead, I heard a small little voice say, "Mom? Mommy?" and I looked into the bright blue eyes of my barely 4 year old. He wrapped his arms around my neck and sat in my lap as we both cried. He kept asking me over and over again to stop crying and to not be sad, but I just couldn't do it. I needed to cry. So, we cried together.

My sweet little boy had seen a lot those few weeks leading up to his daddy moving out, and I wished so desperately that I could have shielded him from it. He heard us arguing, watched his daddy yell at me, watched me cry almost constant tears, and got scared when his daddy slammed his fists onto the hood of the car as I begged him not to go. I can't imagine what was going on inside that little head of his as he watched everything unfold. He must have been so confused and terrified.

His daddy stopped coming home and stopped spending time with him. I remember at one point adding up the days and it had been 22 days since Jason had seen the kids. We weren't what he wanted anymore. It was so heartbreaking to watch as the kids stopped asking when he would be home. I think inside they knew a lot more than they could actually understand.

I tried my hardest to hold myself together for my kids and I would try anything and everything to not cry in front of them if I could help it. I would wait until they were all asleep and then I would go into my closet, shut the door, and cry. Carson always knew. I don't know how, but he did. He would crawl out of bed and come find me, begging me to stop crying. It broke my heart. He would look at me with those terrified and desperate eyes and beg me. So, most of the time, I would. He would crawl into my bed with me and hang onto me as if he thought I was leaving him forever. He was probably scared I would.

I started crying in the shower after a while, thinking the sound of the water would cover up my tears. It didn't work. Carson always knew. Even when my tears were silent tears that would hit me as I folded laundry or was looking for my shoes, Carson always knew. It was if he had a sixth sense of when I would cry. He wouldn't leave my side until he was sure I was done crying and was "better."

I had some pink chapstick that I used to put on at night before I went to bed. I remember one day I was crying in my bed and Carson came running into my room. He went into the bathroom, grabbed a Q-tip, and that chapstick, and scooped out a huge glob of it. He brought it to me and handed it to me. I was so confused at why he would do that. As he handed it to me, he asked me if it made me happy because he knew that I liked that "lip stuff." When I told him that it made me very happy, I could see the relief on his face. He just wanted me to be happy. He started bringing me Q-tips with chapstick on them when I would cry after that. My sweet little boy.

One day, I told Carson that his daddy was on his way to come get him to spend some time with him. Carson instantly started crying and telling me he didn't want him to come. I remember thinking, "Heavenly Father, how do I do this? I don't want him to come either, but I can't tell my child that. Please help me!" I knelt down next to him and asked Carson why he didn't want his daddy to come that day. His answer was heartbreaking.

"Because everytime he comes, you cry. He always makes you cry."

I watched him closely after that. Sure enough, anytime Jason was around, Carson wouldn't leave my side. If I ever asked him to go play so that Jason and I could talk, he refused. He wouldn't leave me. He became my protector and his little hand in mind gave me strength to face another day. We became a team, this wise little 4 year old and I. I felt like he was carrying around this burden that was much too heavy for him, and it worried me.

I took him to counseling. I explained everything to the counselor and she sat silently watching Carson play. She asked me how much he saw. I explained that until Jason told me about the affair, life had been normal. As soon as Jason told me, he became a completely different person. He would scream at me in front of the kids, make me cry, hit the wall, door, car - you name it. He would kick things, throw things, and get so angry that he would clinch his hands into fists and scream. He had never done any of that before, so it was scary for all of us. I explained how Carson wouldn't leave my side, how he always knew when I was crying, how he wouldn't be alone in a room anymore without becoming scared, and how he watched his daddy turn into a person who didn't even want to be with the kids. What she said surprised me. She told me that it was better that he saw some of that then nothing. I'm sure she saw the confusion on my face, so she continued. She said if Jason had just left and moved out without Carson seeing some of the things he did, it would actually be more traumatizing and harder for him to understand. The fact that he saw some of the things he did made it easier for him when Jason left. It was a relief to him too.

One night, a few months later, as Carson and I were laying in bed about to go to sleep, I asked him if he would say our prayer. In the middle of his prayer, Carson said thanks for letting Jesus come visit on Tuesday. After the prayer, I asked him what he was talking about. His sweet little answer brought me more comfort than I had felt in a long time. "Jesus comes and visits me on Tuesdays. He sends angels on the other days, but on Tuesdays He comes." We weren't alone. We had angels watching over us and protecting us through this horrible time in our lives, and I knew in that moment that my kids were going to be ok. We had angels and the Lord on our side. The faith of my children always strengthened my own when I needed a little extra. Carson is a child of pure faith. It is one of his gifts.

My sweet little boy turns 5 today. Five. He has had to go through more than any 5 year old should, and yet he has handled it all like a champ. He is the man of our house and my right-hand little helper. He has had to grow up so much in the last year and some days I worry that he is losing his innocence too fast. He is such a tenderhearted little boy and is constantly telling me how much he loves me and always wants a hug and a kiss. I wish I could keep him this age forever and savor every moment. Oh, how I love him.

Happy Birthday, dearest Carson. You are an incredible little boy and one of the most amazing spirits I know. You are destined for great things and I am so blessed to be able to be your mommy. Thank you for being my best friend and for always being there when I needed someone. You are forever my hero. I love you to the moon and back, to Pluto, the milkyway, and to the faraway mountains. Here is to making 5 the best year ever.

08 May 2015

Because the twins were so high risk, we were hoping to make
it to 32 weeks. That was our goal. At 31.5 weeks, I went into labor. Jason had
the kids for the weekend, so after a day of really strong contractions and
feeling pretty yucky, I finally went into the hospital. Sure enough, I was in
labor and already dilated to a 4. Dr. L. put me on a medication to stop my
labor and warned me that it would make me feel awful. Boy did it ever!! After 3
days in the hospital, I they had my labor controlled enough that I could go
home on bedrest. The next few weeks were miserable! I was huge and
uncomfortable and continued to have contractions every day.

During the weeks while we waited for the baby boys to make
their arrival, I struggled to decide what to do for the birth of the boys.
Every time I tried to think about who I wanted there, my mind would draw a
blank. Nothing really felt right. Finally, I decided that I would just do it
alone. I had carried the boys through the hardest pregnancy alone and I thought
that I would just bring them into this world alone as well. It was sad to me.
It was another reminder to me that I wasn’t married anymore. I didn’t have a
husband to be by my side for the birth of our miracle twins. I spent many
nights in tears as I laid awake, struggling with the fact that I was divorced
and that the father of these babies didn’t want me anymore. I reflected on the
birth of my 3 other children and how special each of those days were because
they were experiences that I shared with him. This time, he didn’t love me. He
wasn’t going to be there to hold my hand and he wasn’t going to be there as we
brought these special spirits into this world. It was devastating to me.

What had I done to
deserve this? Why did I have to suffer through this by myself?

One day, I was talking to my counselor, and we were
discussing the upcoming birth of the twins. She asked me who was going to be
there with me. I told her that I was going to do it alone. She didn’t say much,
but asked me if I had thought about asking their dad to be present. At first I
was a little stunned.

Really??! The man that
had put me through all of this heartache? The person that had left me to deal
with all of this alone? The one that had abandoned me at the time I needed him
most? Him?! Why should he get to be there to experience this when he didn’t
deserve it?

The problem was, right when she said it, I knew she was
right. I felt very strongly that it was what Heavenly Father wanted. To be
honest, I wasn’t very happy about it. That night, after I got the kids to bed
and I had a few quiet moments to myself to think, I knelt and prayed. I told
Heavenly Father about all of my frustrations with Him wanting Jason there.

How was this fair? He
got to walk away, leaving me broken hearted and shattered, and he still gets to
experience this sacred moment? He hasn’t been there for me or for them this
entire time….you remember that, right? You have watched me cry myself to sleep
countless nights, go through morning sickness with 3 little kids, trying to
work and keep my kids’ lives afloat while dealing with this extremely hard
pregnancy – all of it alone. He caused so much emotional damage and despair. He
has caused pain so intense that I can’t find words to describe it accurately.
Now, you want me to allow him to be there for one of the most personal, sacred,
and intimate experiences in this life? I’m still in love with him, and you know
how hard it is to be around him…. Now you want me to let him be there during
this vulnerable time? Do you understand how hard that will be for me? Sharing
this with him while knowing he doesn’t love me and hasn’t been there for me
this whole time?

I let it all out that night. I cried. I cried hard. I cried
for a long time. Finally, when there weren’t any tears left and I was still
lying on the floor, I got the answer to the questions I had been asking.

“This isn’t about him
and it’s not about you. This is about these precious little boys. They deserve
to have both of their parents present when they enter this life. I understand
how hard this will be for you, but please trust me. This is about them.
Although you don’t understand all of this, there is a plan. Trust me.”

It was for the kids. For the first time since I had known
that he needed to be there, I felt peace. It was for my kids.

Being divorced is hard. I never wanted it. I still can’t
believe it happened. It is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. For
me, my love for my husband didn’t go away. When I got married, I promised forever.
I don’t know how to tell my heart to stop loving him. It wasn’t ever supposed
to. Needless to say, being around him is very hard for me. It stings. It’s
torture. It’s a reminder of a life that I loved that is now lost. I’ve had to
learn how to put that aside for my children. I knew that I didn’t want them to
feel like they had to pick which parent they wanted at certain events. We
needed to figure out a way to both be present and have good feelings. I have
spent countless hours pleading for the strength to be able to do that.
Christmas, birthdays, holidays…. We have made it work. We have been able to be
there, be kind, be loving, and be supportive – as parents. My kids have been
able to have both parents there for them, which they need so desperately. It is
extremely hard to do. Most times, after the day is over, I climb into bed and
sob. I never wanted to be divorced. I never wanted this life, but I will do
anything for my kids, even if that means putting myself through painful days so
that my kids can have both parents around. This was going to be another one of
those experiences.

The day finally arrived.

The twins were born by C-Section on February 27, 2015.
Bentley Clark Messano (6lbs 12oz) was born at 7:27am. Beckham Jeffrey Messano
(5lbs 6oz) joined us a minute later. The
entire experience was full of emotion for me. I tried to put on a brave face,
but inside I was hurting. I was scared about having a C-Section, I was worried
about the twins, and I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to keep my
composure in front of everyone. After I was prepped and ready, they brought
Jason in. He was able to watch as his baby boys were born and I knew how
special that moment was for both of us. Once they were here, Jason went with
the boys into the NICU. I was alone as they finished everything and sent me to
the recovery room. I didn’t have anyone there holding my hand the whole time. I
didn’t have someone there to make sure I was ok. I didn’t have a husband there
for me, worried about me. I was alone - and I felt it. It wasn’t supposed to be
that way. The birth of a child should be a bonding experience full of love. I
was alone. That fact was very evident in the operating room that morning. After
he left and followed the boys, I felt the tears building. As they silently
started to fall, I felt a warmth consume my entire body. Heavenly Father
stepped in at that moment to fill in the gaps.

The entire experience has strengthened my testimony in
Heavenly Father's plan and in the importance of families. The Family
Proclamation states, "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of
matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows
with complete fidelity." Now, more than ever, I have a testimony that this
is true! It was very hard on me to not have my husband by my side through this,
especially as it brought up memories of the times we shared when our 3 other
sweet children were brought into this world. There are days when the unfairness
of it all seeks to drag me down. Through it all, I am grateful for the
Atonement. Christ is able to step in during times when life is hard and unfair
and heal parts of your heart that you couldn’t imagine ever healing. He stepped
in that day for me.

I am so glad that their dad was able to be there that day. Although it was extremely difficult for me, the boys needed us both there. Those moments when a baby is new are precious, tender moments. I know they could feel us both there and I know that they felt loved.

Bentley and Beckham are my little miracle babies. They are
special spirits and I know there are great things in store for them. I am so
honored to be their mother.

16 April 2015

I needed to get away. That was all I knew.

As our divorce paperwork was finally wrapping up and the chances that I had to save my marriage were coming to an end, I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I was on auto-pilot. I functioned, but barely. I felt like my entire life was slipping through my fingers and the harder I tried to tighten my grip, the more it escaped my grasp. I found myself getting angry and experiencing emotions that I didn't know how to handle. I was desperate. I begged him to change his mind. I tried anything and everything. None of it worked. He was done. He was done with me.

I needed to get away. That was all I knew.

I packed my bags and headed to Utah to stay with a friend. She had been there through it all with me and I needed her that day. She was the first person that told me that I needed to be prepared for divorce. When she said it I remember thinking that it wasn't going to get that far. Surely he would see that he really did want our marriage and our family and he would stay. He didn't stay.

It was on that drive to Utah that he signed the divorce papers.

I needed to get away.

While I was in Utah, I was able to go to a conference called, The Togetherness Project. It was a conference for women who have been through heartbreak and betrayal. My friend, Ashlee Birk (The Moments We Stand) was going to be the keynote speaker and had given me a ticket to attend. I thought it would be a small conference with a couple dozen women. I was wrong. There were hundreds.

Ashlee and I

I walked into the ballroom of the hotel and I saw a sea of faces, I was shocked. How could there possibly be this many women at this conference?! It devastated me. How many women have suffered through what I was suffering through?

I knew no one. I was intimidated. I thought about turning around and walking out the door and going home. Honestly, I didn't know if I was ready to face the reality of the road I was about to walk down. I didn't want to be divorced! I didn't want this to be my life and my story! The problem was, I didn't have a choice. He had made that choice for me. Now, I had to decide how to handle it all. I stayed.

As I walked through the tables full of women, I silently said a prayer. I asked Heavenly Father to know where to sit. I didn't know any of these women or their stories, but I needed someone by my side that day. As I was passing a table with a few women, I felt like that was where I needed to sit, so I sat. I am so grateful that I did. I met two of the most amazing women that day. They were friends who had come to the conference together, both having been through the pain of betrayal and affairs. Both knew what it was like to have your heart ripped out. Both knew the shock of finding out that your husband hadn't been faithful. Both knew the trauma that it does to your body and all of the emotions that you have to deal with. Both knew what it was like to look in the mirror and wonder why you weren't enough. I needed them.

I learned a lot at that conference. I learned about Betrayal Trauma and what it does to you emotionally, physically, and mentally. I learned about addictions and how to know if someone has really changed. I learned about grief and all of it's many forms. I learned about the long road of recovery that I had ahead of me. But most importantly, I learned that I wasn't alone. I was surrounded by amazing, beautiful, and talented women who had all been through some sort of betrayal. They were surviving, and so would I.

I left that conference inspired, educated, and with new friends to help me through this trial. I have leaned on them often. I know I can text them when I have a breakdown or I feel alone or I need someone who really gets it. I also left with the name of a counselor in my area who specialized in Betrayal Trauma. She has been able to help me understand why I react to different situations the way I do and how to work through some of the stages of grief. It's amazing how Heavenly Father knows what we need and is willing to help us in any way He can. Often, He helps us through other people. I have been amazed at how much love and support I have received through this experience. It's because of all of the love and support that I received that I want to be able to help someone else who may be in a similar situation.

On May 9th, Ashlee is going to be holding a Conference in Boise, Idaho and she has graciously given me a ticket to give to someone who could benefit from attending. The name of the conference is A Reason To Stand and it will be an uplifting day filled with speakers, therapists, and counselors. It is a conference for all who have ever felt broken.

If you would like to be considered for a ticket to attend, please email me your story at natalie.messano@gmail.com. I will pick someone on April 22nd, so please share this with anyone you feel would benefit from going to this amazing conference.

We all deserve to know that we ARE enough. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of that and find A Reason to Stand.

16 March 2015

Every fall we had a family tradition of taking family pictures. Some
people think that is crazy to take one every year, but I am a picture
person. I love to capture memories and look back at things we have done
and how our family has changed and grown. I made sure we did it every
year. This year - I didn't want to do it.

Several
people had mentioned that taking family pictures might be a good idea so
that the kids could see that we were still a family. I wasn't ready for
that yet. It was too soon for me. I didn't want to accept the fact that
our family wasn't the same anymore. We were missing someone. I was
missing someone. The kids were missing someone. I didn't want there to
be an empty space next to me. I certainly didn't want to see that empty
space that I already felt every. single. day. magnified in a picture.

It
just so happened that my brother and his wife were coming to visit, and
it was the first time that we were all going to be together since
Brooklyn was a newborn and we took family pictures the weekend of her
blessing. Everyone in my family wanted family pictures, and, I'll admit
- it was hard to see the big family picture in my parent's living room
every time I was there - but the thought of pictures made me anxious. We
contacted the photographer and set the date and time. I never really said much to my family about the pictures, but inside I was dreading them.

I
had been doing really well the week leading up to the pictures. I was
busy and finally getting into some sort of routine, but the closer the
pictures got, the further back I went. I was anxious and had a constant
pit in my stomach. I felt like I was reliving that month when I found
out everything all over again. I was miserable. I was a mess. I was
embarrassed and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it because I felt
like my emotions were crazy. I just don't want to see the empty space
in the picture..... It's like it would make all of this real.....Our
family is missing someone right now.....I don't need a picture to remind
me of that....but I don't want to see pictures of my "old" family
either.....I guess I just don't want to see pictures.

That was the thing - all those millions of pictures I had taken over the last 7 years were painful to look at now. I
couldn't do it. I took the picture screen saver off of our Apple TV
because I didn't want to be reminded of my life before I found out about
all the secrets. I put the stacks of pictures I had printed for baby
books in a box downstairs. Every picture was a memory and the memories
were too hard to think about. In those pictures, I was happy. We were
happy. We were a family. We loved each other. At least in those moments I
believed those things. Now I wasn't sure how many of them were real.
All of those happy moments were tainted to me now. They hurt in ways
that are hard to describe. They all represented a life that I loved that
wasn't going to come back. Pictures that had been a source of happiness
at one time were now a source of bitterness. They were a constant
reminder of a life lost and a family broken. They made me angry.

As
I watched my siblings start taking pictures with their families that
day, a part of me ached inside. I wanted to be normal again. I wanted to
fit in again. I wanted to be married and happy and in love again.
Instead, I felt like the outsider. I was the single one. I was the
divorced one. I was the miserable one who was dying inside. I did not
want or need a reminder that I was not loved by the one person who
should have been standing next to me.

Then it was our turn.

The
prayers I had been saying all day to not break down were silently
uttered again as I grabbed my kids and sat down for our pictures. All
we had to do was smile. I could do that much. I could do it for my kids
to show them that we were strong. We were still a family.Just smile at the camera and think about the kids.

In
that moment, when all I was trying to do was put a fake smile on my
face and pretend to be happy, I felt a warmth and a love that I can't
describe surround me. In that moment, all of those empty spaces I had
dreaded seeing in a picture were filled. In that moment, Heavenly Father
knew that one of His daughters was hurting and needed to be reminded
that she WAS loved. That's exactly what He did. He filled in all of the
empty spaces and reminded me that I was loved. I was loved by Him, and I
was going to be okay because of that. I was going to be okay. I was
going to make it. I WAS loved. Then - I smiled. I smiled and I didn't
have to fake it in that moment. I'm pretty positive that my kids felt it
too. You can see it in the picture. In that moment we all felt loved,
we felt normal, and we felt whole again. Even if it was just for that
moment, that moment was enough to get us through those pictures, and
those pictures are enough to get us through those moments that we
forget.

It's easy to forget sometimes that there is
a plan, especially in those moments when the pain is real and the
memories of happier times are overwhelming. It's easy to forget that,
although I might not be loved by my husband, I am loved by my Heavenly
Father. It's easy to forget when I feel lonely or wish there was someone
to talk to at the end of the day, that He has never left my side. It's
easy to forget. That's how Satan works on me. He wants to overwhelm me
and make me feel alone. He wants me to be angry and frustrated with the
way my life has turned out. He wants me to forget.

I am working on remembering.

There
is a plan. I am loved. I am not alone. I am a daughter of my Heavenly
Father who loves me, and I love Him. He is there to fill in all the
empty spaces - every single one.

16 November 2014

When Jason and I were first married we set some "rules" that we were going to live by. One was that we would never sleep on the couch or somewhere else if we were angry, and the other was that we would never use the word "divorce" as an option. I even wrote them down in my journal. For our entire marriage we lived by those rules. Oh, there were times when we would have to go in the other room to cool off, but we never slept apart when we were upset. I never, ever dreamed that divorce would ever be something I would deal with. Ever. How ironic that the one word we never used would become my new reality.

Somedays, I feel like I walk around with my own scarlet letter - a giant "D" for the entire world to see. I feel like anyone can see it or sense it when I walk by, like they must magically know that I'm divorced. Although I know that no one else sees it or thinks that, I do. It's something I'm going to have to work through on my own and I'm going to have to accept the changes that have come to my life. I'm working on it.

I feel like this all happened so fast. I found out on the 21st of June. I found out I was pregnant. He moved out a few days later. We filed for divorce in August, the same day I found out I was having twins. None of it ever really felt real. It was like I was living a dream and at some point it would all be over and life would go back to normal.

When things started to wrap up with our divorce paperwork, part of me started to panic. He hadn't changed his mind yet.... was he really going to do this? Surely not. Right? At some point he would realize that his 3 little kids and his wife - pregnant with his twins - were worth it and he would come back to us......right? The more I began to panic the more angry and emotional I became. Please, Heavenly Father....please don't let this happen. Please give me a miracle.Please don't let this happen to my sweet family!

It happened anyways. He let me know the day he was going in to sign the papers. I was devastated. I packed my bags and headed to Utah to spend some time with some friends and to go to a conference (more about that later). I needed to get out of the town that we called home. I needed to get away from the office where he was going to sign away our family. I needed some space to breathe...I needed air....I needed something.

Every time we would drive to Utah, we would always pass landmarks from our wedding. The hotel we stayed in, the IHOP where we had our first breakfast as a married couple, the Target that we roamed through the night before our wedding, and finally the Bountiful Temple. It had always been fun to point them out before and we ALWAYS did. This time, driving past each one of those landmarks was painful. It hurt. The tears started coming and then the anger started. Finally, up ahead, the temple sat on the hill. I had gotten so used to watching it as we would drive through that my eyes couldn't stray from it. I watched it as I drove. This place of peace and happiness was a reminder to me of a life lost and a marriage gone. Then, as if on queue, my phone went off. I glanced down to see, "Papers signed." I sobbed. Angels must have taken over the wheel because I sobbed. He signed the papers as I was staring at the temple we promised each other forever in.

The next week I knew I had to go in and sign. I didn't want to. It felt so wrong to me. I didn't want to be divorced, I didn't want to break up my family or my marriage, and I didn't agree with what was happening. I knew I needed to get it over with, but I didn't know if I was strong enough to actually do it.

I decided to take my kids with me. It was a last minute decision, but I thought that maybe it would help me get it, sign, and leave quickly - all with a distraction. I loaded them up and made the drive to my attorney's office. The entire way there I kept telling myself that I could do this, it was just one more step in the process, it was just a signature.

We walked in and they took us into the conference room where I had sat so many times working through the paperwork with my attorney. The kids explored the room and I stood staring at the vase of flowers in the middle of the table, giving myself the same pep talk I had all morning. My attorney's assistant came in with the paperwork and set it on the table in front of me. I flipped through each page until I found the page with our signatures. When I turned the page over and saw his signature on the line above his name - staring at me in blue ink - all strength I had found that morning left and I lost it. I couldn't hold back the tears and they spilled over. Poor Debbie watched as I struggled to even lift the pen. I stared at his signature - the same signature I had grown to love over the last 7 years - the same signature I saw so many times - was now on a document saying that he didn't want me or our life together anymore. There it was for all the world to see...his signature in bright blue ink, like a seal on every insecurity I had developed over the last few months. I wasn't enough. He didn't love me. He didn't want me. He didn't want our life or our little family anymore. He didn't care about my dreams or my future. He would rather be with someone else, anyone else. I wasn't worth it. He was done with me.

I finally found the strength to add my signature to the page and set the pen back down on the table. I looked at Debbie for the first time since I had found his signature and saw the understanding in her eyes. Then I sobbed - face in my hands, shoulders shaking, uncontrollably consuming - I cried. It was at that point that Carson and Brooklyn realized that something was going on and came to my side. It's pretty sad when your kids become so used to you crying that they don't ask you why anymore. They just hugged my legs and looked up at me with concern on their innocent little faces. It was enough to break me from my grief and compose myself to leave.

As we walked out the doors, the kids saw a bunch of leaves and ran over to the pile to play in them. I sat down on the steps and let them play for a few minutes while I gained my composure. I watched them play and my heart ached for them. They were so innocent. They had no idea, as they jumped in the leaves, that I had just signed papers ending my marriage to their daddy. They had no idea that what had just happened would change their lives forever. They just played and giggled in their innocence. I watched them and ached for all of the challenges and struggles they would have to face because of what just happened in that office.

As I sat there watching them, I felt a sweet peace come over me. I wasn't alone on those steps. I realized, as I felt the calming peace come, that my kids would be okay. Just like Heavenly Father had helped me through this and had the confidence that I could do it - He wouldn't leave them either and they were strong enough to handle this. I have always known that I have been blessed with amazing children, and I had no doubt in that moment that they had been prepared for this. I just needed to teach them about the Gospel and about their Savior, and they would make it through this. Just like Heavenly Father had faith in me, I had faith in my children. They were strong. I was strong. Together, we were even stronger. We were going to be ok. We were going to make it. Not without help, but we were going to make it.

The judge signed the papers a few days later on the 21st of October, making it official. Exactly 4 months from the day I found out. 4 months - start to finish. It's amazing to me how quickly your entire world can change. When I look back on those 4 months, however, I see other changes that I am grateful for. I have grown in ways that I would have never imagined. My relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior are stronger than ever before. Where my trust in one person was shattered, my trust in Them is irreplaceable. I'm growing and becoming someone new. I now know that I can do hard things and I have found a strength that I didn't know existed. I am learning how to turn things over to my Savior and apply the Atonement in ways that I couldn't have understood before and I am in awe of the love I feel from my Heavenly Father on a daily basis.

Right now I feel like I wear my own scarlet letter, but I'm ok with that. Like everything else, I know there will be a source of good that will come of it. I'll get there. One day at a time.

22 October 2014

My wedding picture still hangs on the wall in my room.

I woke up yesterday in a dark mood. I didn't sleep well, the kids were already up and it was only 6am, and I could just tell that I was going to be in a bad place that day. Some days are like that when I wake up. It was raining outside and the wind was blowing. It was cold. The weather seemed to fit my mood perfectly. I laid in bed and listened to the kids for a few minutes and stared at my wedding picture. I know I should probably take it down, and I've even done it a few times, but it always ends up back on the wall. I'm not ready to take it down yet. I know I should, but I can't. That picture represents more to me than just my marriage. Oh, it represents so much more.

One of my very first weeknight activities when I turned twelve and entered Young Women was a temple time capsule activity. We had a lesson on temple marriage and eternal families, and then we made a time capsule to open when we got engaged. We got to flip through magazines and cut out pictures of wedding dresses we liked, colors we wanted our wedding party to wear, which temple we wanted to get married in, our future kids names, how many kids we wanted to have, our goals for our family...... You name it, we talked about it. It was any twelve year old girl's dream. At the very end we wrote our future spouse a letter and then we sealed the can.

I carried that can around with me for 9 years. It stayed in my hope chest during high school and eventually followed me to college. With it came all of those dreams from that twelve year old girl. I knew what I wanted and I couldn't wait for the day when that would come true. I wanted to get married in the temple to someone who loved me and have a family. I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom and I wanted to be a wife. I wanted to have kids, and lots of them!

When Jason and I were engaged I opened the time capsule I had carried around all those years. It was fun to look at the things that I had written down when I was twelve. My taste in dresses had changed and so had the colors and the flowers, but the majority of it was the same. I had finally made it. I wasn't perfect, by any means, but I had tried my hardest to do what was right so that I could be sealed in the temple and start a family with the man that I loved. It was finally happening. I let Jason read the letter I had written and we laughed at some of the things I had said, but I was happy. My dreams were coming true. We were married in the Bountiful Temple. I loved him. Oh, how I loved him.

I was still in bed thinking about everything going on while the sky lightened. I started a new job this week to help me pay the bills now that I am a single mom. The job is a blessing, and one that I know Heavenly Father put in my path since I didn't seek it out, but it means putting my kids back in daycare and working outside of my home. I knew that I needed to get up and get going or we would all be late. I got up and got the kids ready, lost in my own thoughts while the kids ate breakfast and played. I could feel the anger simmering under the surface, but I kept pushing it back down. We rushed around getting dressed and then I hurried the kids out the door and into the car. I was snapping at them and I was frustrated. We finally backed the van out of the garage and into the rain.

While we were driving to daycare, my emotions were a mess. I hated this. I hated every minute of it. I LOVED being at home with my kids. It meant the world to me. I had been a working mom once and I had counted down until I could be at home with my kids. I had finally reached that goal and now it was being taken away from me. Then, almost as if he could read my thoughts, Carson asked me from the backseat, "Mom, how come we can't just stay home with you like we used to? I liked it when we could all just stay home."

That did it for me. That anger that had been threatening to bubble over all morning attacked with full force. I was furious! I was angry! I could feel my hands start shaking on the steering wheel as I attempted to calmly answer Carson's question, but inside I was raging. I was angry for me, I was angry for my kids, and I was angry for that twelve year old girl who had her dreams ripped away through no fault of her own. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. The two things I had wanted most in life were taken from me. I was no longer a wife. I could no longer be at home with my kids. Gone. I didn't have a choice in the matter, I didn't have a say. Those two dreams were ripped away because of someone else's selfishness and I was furious. The rain outside matched how I felt inside.

How could the person I loved more than anyone else, the one person that was supposed to protect me and love me and cherish me - how could he hurt me this way? How could he shatter those dreams that he knew were so precious to me? How could you do something so devastating to someone who loved you so much?

In that moment I felt like the hurt and the grief were too much to handle. I felt like I didn't have any hope left. This trial was going to follow me for the rest of my mortal life. I will always have to share my kids. Family traditions, holidays, birthdays, vacations - all of it would be changed forever. I will always have to see him and know that he doesn't love me anymore. It is a constant reminder that I wasn't enough for him, that he didn't want me, that my family is broken. This was never part of the dream. The thoughts overwhelmed me. This life is really long and it's not going away.

That's when I saw it. Through the rain, up ahead, the clouds were breaking up and there was a beautiful full rainbow. It was the biggest, brightest, and most breath-taking rainbow I have ever seen. I pulled the car over and let Carson and Brooklyn roll down the window to look at it. It was gorgeous. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I got out and took a few pictures and as I was walking back to the car I had a thought come to me that I knew was the Spirit teaching me.

We can't have rainbows without the rain. Sometimes, in the middle of it all, we can't see anything but the downpour. I know it's overwhelming, and you are right, it won't ever be the same, but it can still turn into something beautiful with His help. You aren't alone in this. He knows how broken your heart is. He understands.

I got back into my car and felt peace for the first time all day. I was still hurting inside, and I was still angry, but I had hope. Hope that at some point down the road my life will have it's rainbow. I've just got to make it through this downpour.

For now, my wedding picture will stay on the wall in my bedroom. I'm not ready to fully embrace the loss of my marriage and the twelve year old girl inside of me isn't ready to let go of those dreams. Let's be honest - she never should have had to.

14 October 2014

Last week was an emotional week. Well, let's be honest, what week hasn't been emotional? I had an ultrasound on Wednesday and found out that I was right - the twins are BOYS! Carson is pretty excited to have some brothers and I'm a little excited too.

The twins are identical. We know that for sure because they are Mo/Di twins. Mo/di twins share a placenta, but each baby has it’s own amniotic sac.
My doctors explained mo/di twin by saying they share a placenta and are
in the same outer sac, but have a thin membrane dividing them which
creates separate amnitoic sacs. Mo/di twins are always identical and are considered mid-risk in the twin world.
Anytime babies share a placenta, they are at risk for twin-to-twin
transfusion syndrome (TTTS), which basically means the blood and
nutrients from one baby (the donor twin) are going through the placenta
to the other twin (the recipient twin). In the past, developing TTTS
resulted in devastating prognoses, but in recent years, thanks to
development of new procedures, twins with TTTS have a much better chance
of survival if it is caught early. There is a 1 in 7 chance of mo/di twins
developing TTTS.

So far the boys look healthy and are progressing great! The further along I get in the pregnancy, the more we will know what time frame they will arrive in and what their condition will be. I'm told that if I make it to 28 weeks everyone will sigh with relief and each 2 weeks after that we will all do jumping jacks. They will most likely come between 30-32 weeks, which puts us in January.

It's crazy where life takes you. I never imagined being a single mom to 3 kids and pregnant with twins - but here we are!

10 October 2014

We belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints otherwise known as "The Mormons". We are proud of this part of who we are! We are excited to team up with over 65+ of us strong... to extend an invitation to see a film. A film entitled "Meet The Mormons". This film is not meant to be an "in your face" - you must join our church film. It is simply designed and produced to uplift and inspire you through six stories of those of our faith who have followed promptings to follow Christ more fully in their lives. We hope you take the opportunity to enjoy this film. We hope your hearts are made light as you feel the goodness that comes from following our Christ and Savior. All proceeds from the film will be donated to The American Red Cross. So not only will you be uplifted and inspired, your money will be going to an amazing charity!!

We also would like to take a moment and share our personal testimonies, stories of our own personal conversions, and our own stories of how following our Savior, Jesus Christ has changed our lives. The light of the gospel of Jesus Christ offers a joy and hope that only following him can provide. We hope as you click through and read our stories and testimonies of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, you will feel uplifted and encouraged. We are by you! We love connecting with our readers, that is why many of us do what we do! Please be kind and considerate in your comments. It takes great bravery for us to open our hearts and our mouths to share with you such a tender and personal part of who we are. We share because we feel strongly the need to share the peace and the hope that is the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and I am a MORMON. I am also a survivor of infidelity, betrayal, and heartache - something that I would not be able to overcome without the Gospel of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I have always had a testimony of the Gospel from the time I was little. I grew up as a member of the Church and I have never doubted, but the last few months have taken my testimony to a whole new level. I am a MORMON.

When your life seems to hit rock bottom you have two choices - lose yourself or overcome. I had no choice but to overcome. Being pregnant with twins and having 3 little kids at home makes that choice for you. But it was more than that - even in the darkest of moments, I had hope. One simple word, but that's all it took. Hope. I had hope in my Savior, I had hope in the Atonement, I had hope in the peace the Gospel brings, and I had hope that the covenants that I made in the temple would carry me through. Carry me through they have.

I know without a doubt that my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ live. Not only do They live, but They love us, They know us, and They will never leave us - especially when we need them the very most. In those moments when we need Them the very most, They are there and we realize They have been there the whole time. Are we looking for Them? Do we seek Them? I pray for the comfort of Their presence on a daily basis now. It's the only way I make it through.

As a mom, I have always felt like I was barely keeping my head above water. There is always so much to do and I always felt like I could be better. There was never enough time, I was not teaching them enough, I was not playing with them enough.... all you moms out there know the drill. Now, I suddenly find myself trying to balance the role of a provider AND a mother - and I feel like I last the last footing I had and I am drowning. I am constantly thinking, "How am I going to do this? I wasn't enough when I was only trying to do one role, now I have to do both! My kids need more than I can give them. I'm sinking over here!" Then, one of my dear sweet friends sent me this picture and I realized exactly how I was going to do this.

I wasn't going to do it alone. Only through Christ was I going to be able to do this. He would not only lift me and carry me, but He would fill in the gaps. He would make me more than I am and help me be the mother He needs me to be. As Jeffrey R. Holland said, "Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified,
compensated, made more than you are and better than you have ever been
as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel
that to be." His Atonement makes everything possible, including the ability to make us instruments in His hands.

I know the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true. I know that we have a living prophet, President Thomas S. Monson on the Earth today to lead and guide us. I know that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ, and study of it - along side the Bible- will give us guidance and direction in our lives. I know that families can be together forever and I know that we can make sacred covenants in His holy temples that will make that possible. I know that I would not be able to overcome this trial, or any trial, without the Gospel in my life.

I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a survivor, and I am a MORMON.

If you are wanting to know more and would like a FREE copy of The Book of
Mormon, which is another Testimony of Jesus Christ and his ministry –
please email me! {natalie.messano@gmail.com}

Are you also a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
and would like to share your Mormon.org profile as an added testimony!
Feel free to link up your profile!!

03 October 2014

I am not the same person I was 3 months ago. Some changes have been good, others have been presented new challenges. Regardless, I am different.

3 months ago my world came crumbling down around me so fast that I didn't even have a chance to see it whole one last time. I tried to pick up the pieces as it fell, but the harder I tried, the faster it crumbled, and I was finally left with nothing but ruins to sit amongst. I felt broken. Shattered, really. I felt dead inside. There were days that, by the time I went to sleep, I couldn't tell you what I did that day. I've never known a place like that before. A place so empty and lonely.

After the initial devastation, there was nothing left to do but start cleaning up the mess. At first, lifting each piece was hard and overwhelming. Some days I might pick up one and put it in its place, other days I couldn't pick up any. Then there were the days when I would go take some of the pieces I had already cleaned up and throw them back in the pile. It's been hard. One step forward, two steps back. Three steps forward, one step back. Each week, each day, each hour - all of them are different.

The more the dust settled, the more I could see that tender mercies had been all around me. Getting packages in the mail on really hard days, text messages right when my thoughts where starting to get overwhelming, knocks at my door when I needed a hug, phone calls, letters, friends...... They started to pour in. They always came at the moment that I needed them. I knew they were answers to prayers, some prayers that weren't even mine because - let's be honest - some days I was too angry to pray. I began to realize that even though Heavenly Father didn't stop this from happening like I begged Him to, He wasn't going to leave me alone in it. The more I recognized it, the lighter the load felt. I know that there have been times when I have been carried by the prayers of those around me. Entire days when I was able to do things that I wouldn't have been able to do without heaven's help. Tender mercies have been everywhere.

The closer I became to my Savior and the more I began to trust Him completely - in a way I have never trusted before - the harder Satan tried to bring me down. I would have amazing spiritual experiences where I felt uplifted and hopeful, and I could always guarantee that the next day would test me. Test me they did. I wish I could say that I always won, but some days I didn't. After a few weeks of those really hard days, I was at a new low again. This time, it was bad. I couldn't turn my mind off. The thoughts kept racing over and over and over again. All it was doing was tearing me down, but I couldn't stop them.

How could this happen to me? to us?

What is so wrong with me?

Why did he fall out of love with me?

Weren't we happy? I thought we were happy.

How could I have been so blind?

I never saw it coming. How did he hide it so well?

Why am I not good enough for him anymore?

What does she have that I don't?

How am I supposed to raise these kids in a broken family?

Why do I have to go through this pregnancy knowing he doesn't even want me.

I wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.

It was during this really low point that I found out Elder Holland was coming to BYU-Idaho for devotional. Elder Holland is my favorite (don't tell the others). I knew right away that I needed to go. I had jokingly said multiple times through the last few months that I just needed to bump into Elder Holland and have him tell me that I was going to be ok and then I would actually believe it. Since I teach for BYU-Idaho online I thought I might be able to attend. I emailed my boss to see if I could go and if I needed tickets. He wasn't sure and told me he would get back to me.

A few days later I got an email reply from President Clark. It was on a particularly hard Sunday when the topics at church had made my heart hurt more than normal. His email said some things that were answers to my silent prayers and I was reminded that Heavenly Father knew how hard this was and what I was feeling inside, even if I hadn't said it out loud. One part of his message to me really touched me in particular and I read it over and over and over again.

"...I
have a first hand, eye witness, testimony that the
Lord has already prepared for you many tender mercies that He will
shower down upon you in this time of trouble, and far beyond. I know He
has a special place in His heart for His righteous daughters who must
bear up the burden of a divorce and caring for children
by themselves. I know you will be magnified in your own capacity, and
angels will surround you. Please take this message today from one who
knows that your Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son know you and love
you and will be ever present in your life. Their
love never fails...."

That was what I needed to hear. I had began to doubt my abilities as a mom and I knew I wasn't the type of mom my children needed. I was overwhelmed with my own grief and I couldn't snap out of it to be the mom I wanted to be for them.

The morning of devotional came and I was getting ready for the day when my phone rang. It was BYU-Idaho. I had been invited to sit on stage during devotional if I would like. I was in shock. I was told that Elder Holland had to leave immediately after devotional was over and that President Clark thought that sitting on stage would be my best chance to get to shake his hand. I was so touched and thankful for President Clark. I received the instruction on how to get through security and the time I needed to arrive. I was so excited.

As soon as I hung up the phone, it was like I was hit from every side. My kids wouldn't mind, were fighting, and getting them ready and out the door was painful. I picked Carson up from preschool and got back in the van to head to Rexburg and my phone was going crazy. I had several missed calls and texts, none of which were very nice. I returned the calls I missed and the conversation left me heartbroken and sobbing as we drove to Rexburg. Then the thoughts hit me full-force again....

What did I do to deserve this?

What is it about me that isn't enough anymore?

What is wrong with me?

My poor kids in the back fell asleep and I debated turning around. I could just listen to devotional on the radio. I'm a mess now and I don't want to sit on stage in front of everyone looking like this. Thankfully, I decided to go.

Devotional was amazing. I sat close enough to Elder Holland that I could have touched him (don't worry, I didn't). Elder Holland's address on happiness was exactly what I needed to hear and it lifted my spirits. I scribbled down notes as fast as I could and I felt like some of the words were exactly what I needed to hear. After devotional was over, Elder Holland and the Clarks left the stage and didn't shake anyone's hands. I was a little disappointed, but I felt so blessed to sit so close to him that it quickly went away. I went to the security rack and got my purse and was getting ready to leave. I said a quick goodbye to one of the ladies I had sat next to when I was approached by two people and asked if I was Natalie. I was a little taken back, but responded that I was. They asked me to follow them down a hallway and then directed me into a room. I walked in as they shut the door behind me. That's when I saw Elder Holland, President Clark, and Sister Clark all waiting for me. It was just the four of us in the room. When I realized that I was going to have my own private meeting with them, I started crying. Elder Holland walked towards me, wrapped me in a huge hug, and said, "Well, you don't have to cry about it!"

The next 15 minutes or so were amazing. I don't even have words to describe them. Elder Holland was able to calm all of my fears and made me promises about things that had been worrying me. I felt like I was talking to my grandpa. I felt loved by him and he gave me counsel and advice that I needed. He hugged me several times and even wiped away my tears at one point. He asked me if I would promise him something - he asked me to keep in touch with him. I don't think I'll have a problem with that! I was able to take a picture with him and the Clarks before I left, and he asked me again to keep in touch. I left feeling like the burden I had been carrying around for months was lifted. I had new faith and hope. I knew I was going to be okay because that was the exact phrase he said to me. "You are going to be okay."

After I left and ever since, I have been filled with gratitude to my Heavenly Father for that amazing experience. I know that it was His way of showing me that I wasn't forgotten and that He knew the thoughts of my heart. How could I ever possibly doubt that again?? I had joked several times that I just needed to run into Elder Holland and have him tell me I was going to be okay, and that is EXACTLY the phrase he used. I remember even thinking in my head that it sounded funny to hear him say it like that because he is so eloquent in his speech. It was, however, a direct testimony builder for me that I got the exact thing I said I needed. Heavenly Father loved me. I was not forgotten. He was going to be with me every step of the way. He was going to take the ruins of my life and build them into the life He needed for me to have - I just need to trust Him with the pieces.

19 September 2014

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to

One conversation. That's all it took. My entire world changed with one conversation. People always ask if I saw it coming. Never. I didn't have a clue.

Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

That night is both a blur and a vivid memory that I can't escape. One that I never want to replay, and yet I constantly find myself living it over and over again in my mind.

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

My counselor tells me that I'm still in shock. That what I am going through is one of the most traumatizing experiences a person can experience in this life. Counseling is a regular part of my life now. Lots of things have changed. And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

That night I found out that my husband, my best friend, my partner - my eternal companion....

He didn't love me anymore. After that, the words sounded muffled and the room just kept spinning. I heard the sobbing, I just didn't realize it was coming from me. It wasn't real. It couldn't be. We were happy.Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

"Fell out of love....Unfaithful....someone else.....long time coming.....don't want to be here......not happy".... I didn't sleep at all that night. Eventually there weren't any tears left. I sat in the rocking chair staring at our family picture for hours. I watched the sun come up. It rained that day. The rain was for me.

Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Things like this don't happen to people like us. They just don't. They happen to the people you read about or watch on TV. Not a sweet little family like mine. We have 3 beautiful babies. Oh, our babies. How am I going to tell my babies? They won't understand. I never wanted this life for them. We were a family. A family.And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

So tell me - how do you let the one person go that you were never supposed to let go? How do you fall out of love with the person your world revolved around? How do you become whole on your own when half of you is missing?I don't know how to let him go.Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to youAnd anywhere I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

The nights are the hardest - when everything is quiet. That's when the tears come. That's when the hurt takes over. Everyone keeps telling me it will be ok. When night arrives, it doesn't feel like it is going to be ok. I tuck the kids in after a long day and then there is silence. The nights are the hardest.