Shortstories

The Universe

When the universe decides to help you, it occurred to me, then you’re sorted, you’re sweet, you’re on the pig’s back. You’re laughing. If this is the case then you really haven’t got a thing to worry about – I mean, the universe is a pretty big ally to have on your side, right? They don’t come any bigger than this. No one comes over and kicks sand in the universe’s face, right?

If, on the other hand, the universe ISN’Ton your side then this is a very different story. If – indeed – the universe takes an active dislike to you and far from deciding to help you tells you to fuck offthen – man – you have to face the fact that you are pretty deep shit. That’s putting it mildly, of course. Shit doesn’t come any deeper than this. To say that you are ‘totally fucked’ is being euphemistic about it. That’s being polite about it…

And the thing that I had just worked out was it was the latter scenario that I had to contend with. The second one that I mentioned. The one that you really don’t want. As you might imagine this realization wasn’t exactly helping to put me in a better frame of mind – I had been a lousy mood anyway – what with everything going wrong for me the way it had – but suddenly seeing (as I did see) that the universe had decided to give me the finger was the final straw. I really didn’t know how to handle this. It seemed so arbitrary. I couldn’t get over how unfair it was. But then again – I mused morosely – when the universe tells you to go fuck yourself it is always going to be the case that whoever is receiving this message is going to feel hard done by. I mean, when the actual UNIVERSE tells you to take a running jump this has got to feel pretty unfair, right?

Only the thing is, it wasn’t unfair. Which is to say, it isn’t unfair. Not really, not if you want to be accurate about it. How can it be unfair when the universe has fairness on its side? The universe has EVERYTHING on its side – that’s why it’s called ‘the universe’, right? The universe decides what’s fair or not so how can I sit here whining about how unfair it all is? Which is exactly what I am doing. I can sit here complaining about how unfair it is that the universe has it in for me but the universe doesn’t give a crap. I haven’t got a leg to stand on, quite frankly. No one else gives a shit. The universe doesn’t give a shit because it has already decided to take a dump on me. The universe is laughing. It’s already decided to piss all over me. Which it has done. Or is doing.

This being the case, what exactly does it mean to say that the universe’s decision is ‘unfair’? I can say it of course, but what does it mean? It doesn’t mean anything. I can say it until the cows come home but it’s just a meaningless noise coming out of my mouth. Or a meaningless thought echoing around my brain. It doesn’t mean anythingwhen I complain about how unfair things are. It doesn’t mean a damn thing – it is in fact a JOKE. It’s a richly humorous joke, it’s the funniest joke going only I can’t get it. I’m not allowed to get it. Everyone else can get it, but I can’t. Of course I can’t get it. I can’t get the joke because the joke’s on me. I’m the butt of the fucking joke so obviously I’m not allowed to get it…

I was wearing myself out thinking so much. And as I knew only too well the thing was that it didn’t matter how long I thought about it, it wasn’t change anything. I could think about how bad my situation was until doomsday and it wouldn’t make the slightest bit of difference to anything. Not one iota of difference. However big an iota is. So this was a joke too. It’s already done. It a fait accompli. The universe has already decided to tell me to go and screw myself and what I do is sit here hour after hour thinking about it. Like this is going to make any difference! Like this is going to help! What am in doing here – looking for a loophole in the small-print? Looking for a get-out clause? What is it exactly about the universe telling me to fuck off that I don’t understand, I ask myself? What is there not to get about this?

And yet – even taking all this into account – I can’t help wondering, what the hell am I supposed to do now? What do I do about it? How do I take this? What is the correct way to be when the universe tells you to go screw yourself? Am I supposed to be OK about this? Am I supposed to be philosophical about it? Am I supposed to be big about it and say, “Well, OK universe if that’s the way you feel I guess I can respect that… We’re still buddies, right?”

You see the thing is that the universe doesn’t give a flying fuck about how I take it. That’s the whole point. It doesn’t matter how I take it because I don’t matter. I don’t matter because the universe has already decided that I don’t matter. It’s not like the universe is saying to me, “Look Nick, just fuck off with yourself will you. If that’s OK with you, I mean…”

That’s not what the universe is saying. That’s not it at all. No one’s asking my permission. No one’s asking what I think about all this – certainly not the universe! That’s the whole point.

Do you see what I’m saying here? Do you see what I’m getting at? I’m in an impossible position. If the universe itself tells me to take a running jump then I haven’t got a leg to stand on. If the universe itselfis against me then what exactly am I supposed to do? Why is the universe picking on me like this anyway? What have I done that’s so bad, anyway? What is it about me that the universe finds so objectionable? I can’t help thinking that the whole thing is just so unfair…