I’m So Post Modern Lyric Writing Masterclass Page 1

Welcome to the I’m So Post Modern lyric writing master class. Firstly, I will conduct a short lecture on the comedic paradigms within the song. Then, I encourage you to have a go at your own lyrics. Feel free to comment on others as well. Keep it constructive and nice.

Okay.

Let’s begin.

I’m So Post Modern contains four different kinds of line, these are identified as:

Standardina: e.g. “I’m so post modern I just don’t talk anymore, I wear different coloured t-shirts, according to my mood.’

The ‘Standardina’ is the most common style of line found in the song. It’s main attribute is the ‘trihumorous’ structure, being, that (after the ‘I’m So Post Modern’ intro) it sticks to a rhythm of three. It is a common belief in comedy circles, that a joke is best serviced when its repetition amounts to three. This also serves the rhythm of the song, which is divided into three chords played evenly, followed by two short bursts on a fourth chord, acting as a punctuation.

To use another example. This would be a bad example of a ‘Standardina’

“I’m so post modern I bought a sky writing bi-plane and crashed accidentally.”

If you think about the rhythm of the song, you’ll realise that this line is ‘duohumorous’ and contains only two comedic rhythms. It also lacks a classic ‘punchline.’ As well as obeying the comedic rhythm structures, ‘trihumorous’ lines also make it much easier to execute the classic ‘set-up, twist, and punch-line thematics that are at the heart of most humorous material.

E.g. “I’m so post modern I bought a sky writing bi-plane and crashed accidentally, while writing my suicide note.”

This is once again a ‘trihumorous standardina.’ and allows for the set-up of a common entity ie ‘sky writing bi-plane’ a dramatic twist, ie ‘crashed accidentally and punchline ‘while writing my suicide note.’

The next style of line is ‘Bookendian.’ These are usually quite uncommon, and only one occurs in the original song.

E.g. ‘I’m so post modern I wrote a letter to the council…I think it was M.’

‘Bookendian’ lines differ from Standardina’s in that they are ‘duohumorous,’ and only contain a basic set-up and punchline, but no twist. In this case, the punchline must act as the twist as well. The middle section makes use of the comedic tool of ‘pause’ to accentuate the effect of the punchline.

E.g. ‘I’m so post modern I’ve got the weirdest of headaches…it’s in my foot.’

The next example is ‘Multivex’ lines. These lines are ‘Standardina’ in structure, but manage to fit in multiple comedic juxtapositions within each subsection. Only one ‘Multivex’ line occurs in the original.

E.g. ‘I’m so post modern I give live mice to buskers, dirty tea towels to the mormons and pavlova to crabs.’

‘Multivex’ lines allows each subsection to exist as its own little joke within the line by putting two entities together that don’t normally go together.

E.g. I’m so post modern that I laminate pancakes, stir-fry ice vovos and spread cruskit propaganda.

The final example is ‘Super-syntax’ lines. These are also ‘Standardina’ in structure, but are different in that they require the performer to say a number of words very quickly to try and fit the line into the timing of the song. The best example of a ‘Super-syntax’ in the original is:

E.g. ‘I’m so post modern that I brought every book written in 1963 as a reading challenge and clogged up a waterslide.’

If said at the normal speeds of the song, the singer would not quite get the entire line out. In the end, the action of saying the words quickly utilises the comedic tool of exaggeration and absurdity.

So, now a quick snap shot at the four styles of I’m So Post Modern lines we have just learned:

STANDARDINA – The most common form of line in the song, obeying the ‘trihumorous’ structure.
BOOKENDIAN – The ‘duohumorous’ line with a pause in the middle.
MULTIVEX – A ‘Standardina’ line that juxtaposes two entities within each section.
SUPER-SYNTAX – A ‘Standardina’ which requires you to say the words quickly to fit them in.

That’s structure, let’s have a quick look at theme:

The most common pitfall when writing lyrics is to assume that you can take any three random things, put them together, and expect it to be funny. This is not always the case.

e.g. I’m so post modern that I ran for parliament, promising tax cuts for zebras and then it rained beer.

There’s no real connection between the three elements. Look for unexpected twists, and exaggeration.

e.g. I’m so post modern I’ve got a tattoo of my pin number

This is already and unusual and engaging idea.

In hieroglyphics

This takes it one step further

On my neighbours guide dog.

This takes it to its limit and provides a twist and punch line. It also helps that it is a joke you can actually visualise easily.

Here’s a couple of examples of some of the best recent entries from participants:

Alex C – ” I’m so post modern that I killed both of my parents, then threw myself on the mercy of the court, for being an orphan!”
Phil – “I’m so post-modern, it’s the year 3000, i am an apricot, and i know karate.”
Lexxie – “I’m so postmodern that I throw mars bars at martians, mini bars at minis and monkey bars at monkeys.”
Jeremy – “I’m so post modern that I outsource everything, my food and clothes, my government, my outsourcing.”

Im so post modern i read books backwards, only read every fifth page and try to guess the rest.
Im so post modern i wrote this song for justin, when in his mothers womb and we played it to him at night

Hannah – Nice example of a bookendian line. Possibly couldn’t get away with using such a well known classic punchline – is there an abnormal twist you could put on it? walked into a bar…and felt lonely?
C’mon Celia May – They’re not rules, simply guidelines – even Gary Numan had guidelines.
Candice – I’m liking the in the womb concept…now, are you suggesting that I am in my womb, or YOU are in my mothers womb playing me my song…unusual concept indeed.
Jono – I’m liking it…great initial concept = weet-bix in the shower, totally unexpected, on a bar stool, nice stabiliser – could possibly have an even crazier twist at the end…like ‘they all look like the virgin mary’ or ‘in outer space’ or ‘i’m self taught.’ just something to add to the depth of the image / reveal a little more about the character.
Well done Team Pooglet Pomo ahoy. Or porno ahoy, depending on your fraudian sensibilities. –

I’m so postmodern I live life in the fast lane, I throw outrageous parties and pay heavenly bills.
OK, so that’s not very postmodern, but breaking The Eagles is. 🙂
I’m so postmodern that I love to break Eagles songs…and then they are tame.

i was really in the frame of mind that although im alot younger than you i somehow was able to be with your mother while she was pregnant with you playing this song to you so you would eventually grow up to write it. i was really feeling this line,… although the other people i showed to two i wrote enjoyed the first one more… i think the first didnt have the originality the last did.

The good ones are actually quite hard to come up with, aren’t they? Yours is still pretty good though, Erin!
Until I come up with a good one, I’m keeping shtum. (Onamatapoeia for not talking.)
I just saw Spinal Tap yesterday for the first time in ages, and I think it’s one of the funniest movies ever! (The one who played Derek actually does Mr Burns and tons more on the Simpsons)
*These go to 11!*

How could you! Is the world never going to stop ending! You sold out! I saw that subliminal advertising at the bottom of your column! Don’t try to hide it! BP! The petrol sniffing monolith! Noooooooo! Next your website will turn green and gold, and it will mark the turning point of the world! We will all go down the plughole! Arrrrrrgh! Turn away from it! Go back to the light! Its not worth your soul! [Said in an try hard scenester mislead 13 year old etc voice. Feel free to add any extra cliches that come to mind. If need help, contact me and I will send you my father’s patented cliche generator, used by many sports commentators the world over, for only a small fee]
(plus i agree with mia. i won’t add a line till good one miraculously appears into my head waiting to be shared with the world)

Okay, I THINK I got one: I’m so postmodern I wrote an insulting note to an ostrige, shaped it like a cucumber and threw it at a shoe.
I’m so postmodern I’m dependant on pumpkins, so I grow them in the attic, whilst serenading a paperclip.

Thankyou! It’ll take me a long time to come up with anything else, though!
I finally got I’m so Postmodern on my ipod, since Justin was kind enough to have a free download of it on his myspace page.
I sometimes wonder if the blu tack on the wall talk about us behind our back, and plot our demise, or if that’s just your average teenage paranoia. ;p

Being double- sided is kinda like being two- faced, so I can see where THAT fear comes from.
Do you think Justin is amused we gunk up his comments page with meaningless virtual phycobable, or does he actually want praise? Oh, I love him regardless.

Heyyyyyy philosipishers (is that a word?)
I can’t believe it…my friend and I have an entire song that we wrote of these, and we were going to send it in! We still will, but now we have to make it better :p

Yeah okay – I’m going to comment on some of the recent Post Modern lyrics – I’m just a little post-gig whirlwindy and tipsy. But yes, finally someone’s found the link between the initials of my stage name and a certain petrol company. B.P. Hmmm. Fine. I’ll pick a new shortening like:

a) Beddy
b) Bedster
c) Bedroom Phil (This has sometimes appeared on the running orders of gigs – and disturbs me, and should disturb everyone)
d) The Phil (terrible – never call me that)
e) The Room. (a bit ridiculous)
f) The Pher (a bit better, but a bit close to cher for my liking)
g) The Bed P (This is becoming a farce)
h) The Bedroo (some kind of incapacitated wallaby that sits around all day)
i) The B Philo (sounds like a delicacy at a greek bakery.)
j) The Oompher (Well, look, it’s pretty slim pickings, and if you take the last 3 letters off the first name and the last four letters off the second then you get ‘The Ooompher’ Kind of sounds like a b-side from Willy Wonka, but bugger it, when I look at the afformentioned alternatives and the petroleum monolith precurser, then I think I know which side of The Oompher my breads buttered.

The Oompher – one who initiates and utilises a great deal of ‘oomph’
NOTE: In thirty second retrospect – can everyone promise to never call me The Oompher – ever. Plus, you can’t give yourself a nickname – that’s Australian folklore.
Play nice. x

Now now class. I’m sensing that some of you are getting a litte distracted. I know it’s late and we’ve all had a big week, but let’s not forget that this forum is a place of learning, and that some other students are trying to concentrate on their new ‘I’m so post modern’ lyrics. Let’s try and focus please. Good eggs. Thanks.

Well done Jgirl – that’s a real humdinger. I’m going to have to google it. Maybe you can teach the rest of the class about what post modernism is, or could be if it stopped smoking pot.

prepare for the worst…
(we all just want to feel included)
.
i’m so postmodern that i swirl my tea in a microwave, on the way to the movies, while riding the sun
.
i’m so postmodern i followed a cord across three continents… to find it unplugged
.
i’m so postmodern i

this one isn’t mine, my darling sister and her friend made it up,
im so post modern, i collected all the coins from under couches around the world, and made them into a statue, of me…
i like it
lets have some feedback

[from the your-wish-is-my-command-department]
Post-modernism, rather than a Chris Martin-esque ability to “be cool in your own right”, is a process of continually questioning all accepted truths (or “truths” as post-modernists like to know ’em) – constantly under-mining the majority consensus by pointing out that things which are considered “real” or “true” are only that way through common agreement, because they serve the purposes of the dominant power-brokers.
A trite example, if you will: for a long time women and non-Caucasians were considered to be incapable of the kind of rational thought required to attend universities. In the main, this was an idea put forward by the dominant power structure of the time (white males) to reinforce their own power – if women, Black people and Asians couldn’t educate themselves to a point where they were legitimate challengers for positions of power, the power of the white males would never be threatened.
Eventually, the idea “women and non-Caucasians are fundamentally incapable of rational thought” was questioned by enough people that a competing position was put forward, and the dominant discourse (way of thinking about things) was slowly changed over time to a more egalitarian position, where supposedly anyone who’s clever enough can go to uni (we’ll leave out the ongoing economic prejudice enforced by the Howard Government for now, as I am getting away from my main point).
So, you can see that a post-modern position would look at the first idea (“some people are too dumb to get an education”) and ask “whose interests is this perspective serving? What view of the world do I get if I question this perspective?” and, more broadly, that post-modernism is about questioning ALL ways of looking at things. It generally supports the idea that no perspective is privileged, or “better” than another perspective – that there is no absolute truth, only different ways of looking at things.
Of course, the problem I have with most post-modernists is that they rarely turn this laser-beam questioning of ALL perspectives back onto their own perspectives, and ask “who’s interests does post-modernism serve? what view of the world do I get if I question post-modernism?”, which is hypocritical at best.
P-M is a way of looking at the world that was incredibly valuable at the time it was first conceived, as it allowed the flourishing of a range of minority ideas and perspectives that had previously been squashed by the dominant perspectives (“it is not better to be white than black – both are equally valid”, “it is not better to be male than female – both are equally valid”. However, I think long-term it has the fundamental flaw of being required to support the concepts “it is not better to be alive than to be dead – both are equally valid”, “it is not better to be happy than sad – both are equally valid”, and “it is not better to get along with people nicely than to torture them to death over the course of several weeks – both are equally valid”. Herein lies my own problem with post-modernism as a lifestyle choice. However, I certainly do support it as a stage in process of a person’s/societies evolution, and also as a means of promoting comedy through the medium of song.
🙂
[here endeth the lesson]

I’m so post-modern that I don’t need to talk about it, on website discussion boards….damnit!

heh… good one Ben.
well jgirl… if that’s the way you see it.Even though I still stand by my Chris Martin theory,
I guess anyone who is by any right postmodern will warmly agree with other people’s ideas. Its good though, and you’ve got some pretty good ideas.
What would Justin make of all this?

Your guidelines went completely over my head, I’m afraid. I’ve done my best to pay attention to what I gathered though.

I’m so postmodern that I sold the ‘net for wooden dollars, then lost it all betting on the trains.
I’m so postmodern that I recorded this to vinyl, stuck it in my discman and emailed it to myself.
I’m so postmodern that I made a date with death, bought him a hamster and forgot to turn up.
I’m so postmodern that I write songs for cacti, pen lyrics to snoring and then burn them all.
I’m so postmodern that my soul is in jail, and my mind’s in Uzbekistan making plans for daylight saving.

I could assault you all with bad lines all day, but luckily for you I have an essay to write. 😀

I’de like to call you the Philosipher of Boudwa(I know I spelt that wrong, Im not a Linguist)
I’m so Post modern that I bought a guitar just to make myself look cool…
Please contain those rotten tomatoes, or even better place them in a bottel and make pasta sauce~!

Okay…..This really has nothing to do with postmodernism, but I kind of started making a parody of “I’m So Postmodern”, touching on my past experience iwith eating disorders, entitled “I’m So Anorexic”.

*I’m so anorexic that I overate while doing the 40-Hour Famine.

*I’m so anorexic that I won every event in my school’s track-and-field sports day. Not because I’m good at sport, but because everyone mistook me for a javelin.

*I’m so anorexic that I never have a good comeback for “Yo mama’s so fat……”.

*I’m so anorexic you can see the marrow in my bones.

*I’m so anorexic that when I drink vodka, you can use my chest as “spirit level”.

*I’m so anorexic that I make Kate Moss consider gastric bypass surgery……..

That’s all I have for now. Hope I made at least one of you laugh. For the record, I’m over my eating problems and can giggle about them now! Have a great day.

Thanks Stacey, that’s really brave and sweet. The 40 Hour Famine line is gold! Do you mind if I use it? And don’t worry everyone, I shall be ‘grading’ your e-postmodern papers very soon. Just in the midst of a rather wakadoo intensive Melbourne comedy festival. Girl kisses. Boy kisses. Take care!

In the virtual world, attention is the hard currency…These discourses exchange in the values and signs of consumption. Their contrived attempts at generating comic effect processes them: they are commodified and reduced to an aesthetic banality. It is one step away from the commercialism of affectionis traded with facile emoticons on forum pages.

I’m so postmodern that I fell off a cliff, pinched Hutchie’s bum and taught Jamaal to do the twist.
(sorry – just got back from an awesome camp – all the above is true) YEAH TOAST! I hope everyone is well!

i’m so postmodern that i beg outside charities hidden behind a cut out of mr Bill Gates
i’m so postmodern that i married my dog, only invited my parents, then ate all their toes
i’m so postmodern that i wage war on cabbages, utilising only four of my fingers
i’m so postmodern that i burnt all my money, bought myself an urn, and cried for three weeks
i’m so postmodern that i tied myself to a catapult, wearing a clown suit, while eating clams
i’m so postmodern that i sent ASIO a ransom note, demanding raw noodles, in exchange for my pants

oops… i’m so postmodern that i wrote too many lines for someone else’s song and got carried away

hahahah I love these PostModerns made by people there damn funny specialy the on about eating toes..or something like that…..Hey you’ll be in Brisbane soon I might go..The bedroom Philospher is probably one of the great things to come out of Australia..ok well heres my Post Modern

I’m so Postmodern that I read all these messages backwards, while cleaning my teeth….with a paint Brush… (ok so thats not very post modern but I can’t think right now)

ohhh… Justin next time you comment in here can you say something about this message..cause I’m so Post modern that I send messages to celebrities until they say something about me….its a fetish I have…

I’d tell you guys that you were my idols, but I’m pretty sure God would strike me down for that, so I wont tell you… and you’ll never know that I thought that…

I’m so post modern that I wrote on a towel, about my affair with the napkin, and my tissues found out.

I’m so post modern that certain people got scared, reported me to the cops, and we all played monopoly.

I’m so post modern that I ordered a sandwitch, please hold the bread, at a furnature store.

I’m so post modern that I live life in the fast lane, but a cop pulled me over, for having a broken taillight.

I’m so post modern that I went to Australia to claim the land for Mexico before moving to America to speak out against the war.

Ok… some of those ideas were stolen from the idea of other post modernisms, but do you blame me? Yes, I think you do.

If you tell me these suck then I’ll cry and kill myself and you’ll have a death on your soul and go to hell. If you tell me these were good then you were lying and you’ll go to hell. Sorry to have to put this responsibility on your hands.

I’m so postmodern that I started a Communist-party — just to wear red, which made look slim.
I’m so postmodern that I build a timemachine, to go back and have breakfast twice.
I’m so postmodern I never finish sentences because I…

I’m american too.
Im so postmodern that I saw a flash animation, that put pictures to this song, and so I came here.
Im so postmodern that I found this part of the site, posted my own lyrics, and met another american.

I’m so postmodern that I try to drown jellyfish in my pool, and cheer when they sting me.
I’m so postmodern that I adopt three cats and call them all “Steve”–and chuck them at politicians, in the month of July.
I’m so postmodern that I drop pumpkins off buildings while singing “Silent night”…in April.
I’m so postmodern that I never use any “e’s” in conversation with a human or chimp, and when I do I whip myself with a flail.
I’m so postmodern that I mail people I have never met letters that have a note in them that say “I am never speaking to you again”.
I’m so postmodern that I hit a homerun while playing football, I think I was cheating, but I am not sure.
I’m so postmodern that I respond to blogs about jokes on the net, and reply with more jokes.

I’m so postmodern that I just be myself, and when other people talk to me, they think it’s all a joke.
I’m so postmodern that I read my TV, and watch all my books, and use my computer as an oven.
I’m so postmodern that I call myself great, and if other people challenge me, I tell them that they’ve won a million dollars.
*bows* *nobody applauds* *cries*

Aloha Pooglet Class!
Apologies for being away for so long. I’ve ‘marked’ the papers from the last couple of months. Please remember this is all just a very specific vague guide, and to have some serious fun with it. Love Just.

Katie – “I’m so Postmodern I put bean sprouts in my cola, swish it around in my mouth, spit the rest out in my scanner and email the picture to my mum.”
Thanks Katie – great first try. Little bit busy. I’d lose one of the ‘sections’ as it won’t fit the timing of the song. Bean sprouts in cola is great and unexpected. The spitting in scanner and emailing to mum isn’t quite there – could be a little bit more random? Ie spit it at my pop and email him some lyrics?

Hannah Paige – “I’m so postmodern that I weep with white rhinos, cook toast for meerkats with alfalfa marshmallows.”
You’ve nailed some comic ingredients here Hannah. Meercats will usually get everything over the line. Weeping for white rinos is strangely beautiful. Maybe a little bit lost in surrealism, but great first draft!

Ben – “I’m so postmodern that I wrapped my wife in pita bread and dragged her to the moon.”
Thanks Ben. I like the pita bread imagery – the moon ending could be stronger. Dragged her to the races? Lacrosse? It also needs an extra ‘section’ to make it fit the timing of the song. Wrapped her in pita bread, shouted at a lozenge, and dragged her to my ward?

Isobel – “I’m so post modern, i collected all the coins from under couches around the world, and made them into a statue, of me…”
Hey Isobel, tell your sister thankyou. I like the beginning, the concept of collecting all the coins is great. I think it may need a stronger ending. How bout made them into a statue, of milo dregs?

Shem – ” I’m so post-modern that I frequent vocal workshops, whilst piggy-backing aphids and burping ‘Coriander’ “
This is great Shem. Very original. Aphids are great if your nan is into gardening, like mine – I find them funny.

Drunk Muppet – “I’m so postmodern I make DVD’s of coloured cards, tie them to salmon and play pool with them.”
Interesting images. Doesn’t quite come together. Little bit too surreal. Hard to imagine. Could you make dvd’s of salmon, project them at dodgem car rinks, and play pool with bert newton dressed as darth vadar?

Jess – “I’m so postmodern i use paddlepops as weapons, i sort them by use-by and shove them up your nose.”
This is good Jess. Stark imagery – palpable, succinct. Unexpected.

Meg – “I’m so postmodern that I recorded this to vinyl, stuck it in my discman and emailed it to myself.”
I like the use of mixed media in this one. Could make it crazier – maybe the last line is ‘and ruined nan’s funeral?’

Mia Wallace – “I’m so postmodern I read ubekistanian newspapers and laugh at penguins who leave their shoes at home.”
While I admire the inventiveness and warrant the comedic value of penguins, my main criticism here is that the three things don’t actually connect enough – that may seem strange, but I must stress that in post modern lyrics, the strength often lies in the fact you can ‘imagine’ the situations somewhat easily. Where do the penguins come from? And what is the relevance of ubekinstan? What about I read abekistanian newspapers, and pray for a penguin to explain me the cartoons?

Phil – “I’m so post-modern, it’s the year 3000, i am an apricot, and i know karate.”
This is my favourite line. Top marks. The first line acts as a great ‘narrator’, the second is a huge leap in belief, and then the karate is a lovely comic twist. It’s a little bit like ‘They might be giants ‘they call me dr worm, I am an actual worm, I like to play the drums.’
“I’m so post modern, i wrote a song about it, then referenced that reference, in the song itself.” Is academically accurate, we assume.

Sharkfin Soup -I’m so post-modern, i wear thick blacked-rimmed glasses, have a swoopy fringe, oh wait, was that ‘i’m so emo’?!?
Look. Emo is, to generalise, emotional rock and those who enjoy it. We’re talking Placebo, Jimmy Eat World, etc. People often wear black, sometimes have long fringes. I am indie. I wear cardigans, stripey shirts, second hand trousers and listen to Beck and The Shins. Can people please get off the ‘everyone who is remotely moody is emo’ bandwagon. It’s amateurish and lazy. Learn your music scene genres again, please. If anyone wants to argue that I’m emo, I’ll take you on. FRINGES DON’T EQUAL EMO. NEITHER DO GLASSES.

Aawom – ” I’m so pre modern that i chase away the post men, like a poodle with an ego, that defies the laws of time.”
I’m not sure if use of ‘pre modern’ was on purpose, but I like the fact you’ve ‘remixed’ the base of the lyric. Starts off strong. I don’t think poodles with ego’s travels well into ‘defies laws of time.’ There’s no real connection or twist there and I think there needs to be one. What about like a poodle with an ego, his lawyer is a meercat?”

Rob Wright – “I’m so post modern that I saw Shane Warne, shouted “Hey! Boonie!” and tied myself to a rake.”
This is great Rob. Nice nonsense with the boonie/warne colloquialism, and then a suitable unexpected, but ‘imaginable’ twist with the rake.
“I’m so post modern I copied this into word, deleted the vowels and saved it as “Bob”.”
Almost. Kind of ‘difficult second album.’ Like the idea of deleting the vowels, but ‘bob’ isn’t enough of a pay off. Good efforts.

Mr Plough – “I’m so post modern I write ‘batteries not included’ on ‘reply paid’ envelopes, then hand deliver them.”
Good use of mixed media. The batteries are a nice unexpection. Perhaps all three connect a little ‘too’ well, maybe one nuts twist at the end would be a better pay off. Like ‘and fail to cure hiccups.’

Rosa – “i’m so postmodern that i burnt all my money, bought myself an urn, and cried for three weeks.”
Hey Rosa, there are some nice ideas here. Asking ASIO for pants is great. Eating toes is perhaps a little violent for me. This is my favourite. It’s structurally sound, and I always like a punchline of someone crying for three weeks. Maybe exchange urn with thermos. Then there’s even less connection with ‘funerals’ and the crying comes more unexpectedly. Or what if she ‘saved’ all her money. Then the crying makes even less sense and could be funnier.

Daniel – I am mentioning your message! As instructed! I love you stack hat of goodness!

Pixychick – “I’m so postmodern iwear traksuits to the beach and bring two year old fruit cake to throw at lifeguards.”
Hey, don’t fret – this is okay! Throwing fruitcake at lifeguards is random and great. Maybe get a stronger opening. Tracksuits at the beach is somewhat normal – what about tracksuits at crèche or I wear mumu’s to the beach? Mumu’s are usually funny.

Sekira – “I’m so post modern that I’m scarred of Robbie Williams, I drink dirty water, to keep the shivers down.”
I like the dirty water. Needs to be a bit more random. I drink la dirty water, it’s French for dirty water?

Anna – “I’m so postmodern I got drunk just on the thought of you, fell into a coma, and couldn’t be revived… x “

Oh Anna. Dramatic and succinct. I hope you’re okay. x

Corsair Bear – “I’m so postmodern I attached a flugel horn to my tricycle, ride it around backwards and honk at blind people!”
Nice imagery. It’s a little puzzle for the mind.

JoebTheGreat – “I’m so post modern that I ordered a sandwitch, please hold the bread, at a furnature store.”
Hey Joeb! You don’t suck so you don’t have to kill yourself! Hoorah. I like this one – also the one where you’re busted by the cops but play monopoly. Nice satire on common phrase ‘please hold the…’ when dealing with sandwiches. It’s okay Joeb, you are allowed to love me, in a pomosexual way. I do appreciate it.

Spacemonkey – “I’m so postmodern that I build a timemachine, to go back and have breakfast twice.
I’m so postmodern I never finish sentences because I…”
These are great. Great abuse of potential time machine technology. Next one is a new category of post modern line! ‘vaudivillian theatrics.’ Purposefully breaking down the dynamics of performance. It’s inter-textual as shit! Well done.

Geoff – “Im so postmodern i sing sad songs to orphans, give contacts to blindmen, and catnip to dogs.”
Thanks Geoff. Catnip to dogs is awesome. Catnip is hilarious and doesn’t get mentioned enough. Perhaps the initial lines are a little too linear? I make buzzing sounds to orphans and give bookmarks to blindmen? Dunno.

Alex C – ” I’m so post modern that I killed both of my parents, then threw myself on the mercy of the court, for being an orphan!”
That’s actually a great comic twist Alex. Very silly. Theatrical.

Matty – “I’m so post-modern that I drink carrot juice…from inside a banana.”
Hey Matty, you sent in quite a few. I liked this one best. A very odd image, and quite emotive in it’s simplicity. Easy to imagine. “I’m so post-modern that I call myself Bonnie, and only introduce myself to people named Clyde.” I’ll use that as an example of where some of your others fall down. Perhaps just trying too hard to follow a sense of ‘traditional comic narrative.’ It weighs itself down too heavily with pop culture – ie bonnie and clyde, it becomes a lot harder to ‘surprise’ your audience when you mention things like islam/speaking out against war – perhaps destroy the ‘imaginary’ almost childlike playfulness of post modern lyrics.

Alex C – “Im so postmodern that I found this part of the site, posted my own lyrics, and met another american.” Alex, I’d like you to sit in the corner for a little bit and just think about what you are writing. The Post Modern lyrics workshop is a place to work on your post modern lyric writing – somehow I don’t think this is a serious entry. Hmmm?

Matthew – “i’m so post modern i go fishing for turnips, use a keyboard as bait, and play chess with my tv.”
Using keyboard for bait is great. Chess with Tv isn’t quite ‘imaginable enough’ what about a video recording of yourself on the tv, playing chess?

Joejellybeans – “I’m so post modern that I went to a steakhouse and ordered a cheesecake soda–when I didnt get it, I called them gay!”
That’s getting there Joe. Cheesecake soda is unusual and the ‘gay’ is a twist. I’d probably avoid ‘gay’ cos it’s too grounded in the everyday. What about ‘minion.’ Or ‘gent.’
“I’m so postmodern that I mail people I have never met letters that have a note in them that say “I am never speaking to you again”. This is great, conceptually. I’d probably tidy up the syntax to fit in with the timing of the song to ‘I’m so post modern I send letters to strangers, with letters informing them, I’m not talking to them again.’
“I’m so postmodern that I adopt three cats and call them all “Steve”–and chuck them at politicians, in the month of July.” I’ll use this as an example of what to avoid, sorry Joe – but it’s important not to just hurriedly think of three or four random things and simply hurl them together. The three things have to somehow be funny within themselves to begin with, or act as an ensemble to set up an over-riding connection or twist at the end. Here’s an example of one of my latest ones “I’m So Post Modern I bought a sky-writing bi-plane, and crashed accidentally while writing my suicide note.”

Maddi K – Thanks Maddi. I’ll respect your request. Extra special bonus points for identifiying the type of lines you are writing! I’m very impressed! And I must mention “I’m so postmodern that I fall in love with bikies, while dressed as a donut, voodoo dancing the charlston.” Is awfully inventive!

Here’s my best shot, all in Standardina since I couldn’t seem to think in any other rythm:

I’m so post modern I diarise all my burps, on the side of a toaster, in invisible ink.
I’m so post modern I raised a stray cat, then I dropped it by accident, it said Me Ow.
I’m so post modern that I swim in wet cement, I tried it in dry cement, but found it quite hard.
I’m so post modern when I lost my calm, I found it with my girlfriend, and lost it again.

Hey there Fish Hook – the multi syllable aspect isn’t a problem – it scans okay. Maybe the items all need to be a little weirder and more random? Coffee for mouthwash isn’t as attention grabbing as maybe milo (better alliteration too). Flannel for floss? Or I’m so anorexic I use my finger for floss? Butter on a rope instead of saying butter for soap, see how you’re still saying it but it’s a little more interesting?

Hey Jebus I like these. You’ve got a good sense of the absurd. Invisible ink on the side of a toaster is a nice, weird thought. You’ve gone for a Me Ow gag which I give tremendous props to. The last two are great in theory, but aren’t quite pulled off. The last one is a bit clumsy and the cement one maybe works well now I look at it. Yeah, it does – it’s a good gag actually. Well done.

Hey Joel, I think I like the last one best. I like the abruptness syntaxically of powder plus powder is quite a funny word. These aren’t being ‘crazy’ enough to get over the line – helmets when clubbing isn’t weird enough – riding girls bikes downstairs, sure it’s random, but it needs to be totally nuts, like I wear helmets when crying? Buy unicorn bikes and stack mythically?

Hi Boggie. I like saying hello to the washing machine, but then it becomes too random for random’s sake. This may seem like a confusing rule – but there has to be something more happening that just x plus x with an x. Like tattoo of my pin number in hieroglyphics on my neighbours guide dog. Humour is created because of the thought that the blind guy with the dog would never be able to see the tattoo. And the thought of how did you tattoo that on the dog in the first place. And how did you work out the hieroglyphics? I dunno – there’s just more that the imagination can piece together, like, you’re painting a crazy scene, that the listener can think about for a little bit. Wheras a washing machine playing poker is imaginable, but then eating your pencil case – perhaps it’s all over too quickly – or maybe the toilet is playing poker and gets a royal flush? Lame gag but at least it connects things a little more.

Hey Bungdeetle. First two are my favourites. These are really surreal. Scavenging for clowns is unexpected, as is Latvian feelings. Clubbing at cafes is too similar to playing yahtzee in nightclubs perhaps – try to stray away from original lyrics. Bert newton’s my wife is a good ridiculous concept – but the shoes – not so much, perhaps as it genuinely isn’t something we can believe or imagine.

Hey Leinad, nice one! We’re not seeing much Bookendian content so that’s a great attempt. Nice alternate rhyme with rat and mat, it sounds good – and a suitably random positioning there. Bordering on being just too random for random’s sake, but I’m buying it.
Second one not quite there. Love the use of the word lozenge – falls away a bit after that. Wouldn’t use ‘use’ twice like that – and the random things are too similar to their counterparts.

Hey Joeb,
The last one of these is probably the best one. As it creates some nice basic absurd logic. Like, why not just go to school in the first place? I must say, that a post modern lyric ISN’T just putting three random things together, which you have in a lot of these cases. Like dolphin/horse race/gas station. There needs to be something extra, be it a pun, or a juxtaposition or alliteration or some ironic poetic subverting to make it more than just three random things. Watch your word usage too – the one about wigs would never scan to the post modern music. Try saying your lines over the song to make sure they match the meter.