Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Oplan Tuli

The summer of 1999 is very memorable to me.

One of the reasons is that it exposed me to my meth, Tennis. Seeing the then 18-year-old and world no. 1 Martina Hingis battling both the resurgent Steffi Graf and a deranged French crowd in the final of the French Open did it for me. (Don't you just hate reading run-on sentences?)

The mayhem ended with Hingis losing and crying on her mother's shoulders. I love seeing girls cry, they're so cute when they do.

But most importantly, the summer of '99 saw the emergence of my glans penis from its cocoon--the foreskin. After 11 years of hiding, my dick head's finally free as a bird! (Pun intended.)

Summer for young women meant beaches and ballet lessons; for young men, a quick trip to the circumcision ward or the nearest Oplan Tuli program.

Unlike some of my "batch mates", I was not afraid to expose my pee-pee under the wrath of syringes, scissors, clamps and threads. I know they inject anesthesia so I didn't find anything to worry about. Also, a young female doctor conducting the ceremony certainly helped.

"Yahoo! Hindi na ako supot!" I thought after the procedure.

However, what goes on after is an entirely different story.

You see I'm a very happy person. By happy, I mean erections; I get them--a lot.

When I was in high school, I seldom recited because I get erections for no reason at all. You wouldn't want to expose your tent to your classmates do you? I would get an erection while answering an exam or while listening to class discussions (this can also be said at present). Well, my teachers are by no means ugly but they don't fucking deserve my erections.

Being a happy person, this posed as a big problem for me. Whenever I get happy, the stitched skin gets stretched. And when that happens, my eyes tear up. The more my pee-pee grows, the more tears my eyes shed(I cringe when I remember THAT feeling). It's directly proportional.

Maybe this was what they meant by the line "With great happiness comes grave pain."

To be fair, I also had some funny moments after my pee-pee was cut. I will never forget the first time I pissed after being circumcised--I aimed and missed! The moment I released my floodgates, my pee shot straight into the white tiled wall!

And so, whenever I pee, I make sure I'm two feet away from the toilet.

After a month or so, my pee-pee fully recovered. And it's not too long till I met "jack." You know "jack" right?

Maybe this was what they meant by the line "After the storm, comes a rainbow."