Jonathan Schwartz has lots of free time on his hands since he got promoted out of Sun after the Oracle takeover. So what’s he doing? Blogging, of course, with a blog titled, “What I Couldn’t Say,” which I guess means he’s now going to tell us all the stuff he couldn’t tell us when he was CEO of Sun and writing a CEO blog. But wait. Wasn’t the whole point of that CEO blog to be completely open and transparent? Only now we find out he was — gasp — holding out on us? Well, as they say in court shows on TV, can you really trust the word of an admitted liar?

Of course not. But anyway I’m sure some people will accept as fact Jonathan’s made-up story about me calling him and threatening to sue Sun over some user interface they were working on but never actually delivered. (In other words, a typical Sun project.) The truth is, I have no recollection of this conversation with Jonathan. None. It simply never happened. But hey, it’s a great story.

And I’m sure people will bring it up when they’re discussing our lawsuit against HTC, and they’ll try to paint us as a bunch of bad guys in suits who go around threatening people and bullying smaller rivals. A child could tell you that’s not true, just by looking at our ads. We’re the good guys. Listen to that happy music. See the happy, smiling people. That’s who we are. That’s what we’re all about.

So shut the fuck up, Jonathan Schwartz, or I swear to God I will sue your skinny ass for libel.