“You say that you have driven a car for 10 years and never had a back seat driver?” inquired the weak-chinned gentleman.

“Yeah,” asserted the sad-faced man, “I drive a hearse.”

Marital Environment

“I have never married because there is no need of it. I have three pets at home which together answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls all the morning, a parrot which swears all the afternoon, and a cat which comes home late at night.”

Sure to Do It

Joe: “I am burning with love for you.”

Grace: “Oh, don’t make a fuel of yourself.”

A Bald One

“I am giving you a birthday present that you will never be able to part with.”

“What is it?”

“A comb.”

Electrically Speaking

“Here comes a friend of mine. He’s a human dynamo.”

“Really?”

“Yes, everything he has on is charged.”

Misplaced Confidence

“During the dance my suspenders broke.”

“Were you horribly embarrassed?”

“Not very. You see my roommate had them on.”

Mixed Pickles

Caller: “Is the manager in?”

Ikey: “No, he just went out to lunch with his wife.”

Caller: “Well, when he gets back with the stenographer, tell him his wife called.”

Can’t Be Done

“Ethel, can you show the class the shape of the world,” asked the teacher.

“No’m; it is in such bad shape I don’t believe I can.”

Where Credit Is Due

“I trust that I have made myself sufficiently plain,” she said.

“It’s only fair to give nature the credit for that.”

Sure He Will

Brown – “I tell you, old man, when I get married I’ll be the boss or I’ll know the reason why.”

Jones – “Oh, you’ll know the reason all right.”

A Dumb Pupil

Teacher – “Frank, what is a cannibal?”

Frank – “Don’t know, ma’am.”

Teacher – “Well, if you ate your father and mother, what would you be?”

Frank – “An orphan, ma’am.”

Hired

A Wall Street broker, desiring eleven clerks, asked the following question in an examination: “Who formed the first company?”

A bright youth, a bit puzzled, but not to be floored, wrote: “Noah successfully floated his stock while the rest of the world was in liquidation.”

A Round Robin

Madam Schumann-Heink, the famous singer, was given such an ovation on one of her early American tours that she decided to come down from the stage and walk through the aisle so as to greet her admirers. Working her way through the crowded orchestra pit, she became jammed between the piano, the bass drum, the big horn, etc.