North London was last night sinking under the sheer weight of excuses after Arsene Wenger got hold of a thesaurus and started to blame a lack of trophy on any word beginning with the letter ‘B’. The Frenchman claimed Arsenal’s title bid had been ‘belated’, ‘biological’ and ‘without bigotry’ not to mention the fact that everybody was too young, too tired, too stressed and too scared of Stoke City to every seriously challenge.

He denied vigorously that a goalkeeper able to hold a ball for longer than three seconds would’ve aided his team’s cause adding that ‘good keepers are a total waste of time. They just stand in between the two sticks all game and save the odd thing. I’d much rather spend my money on some new nice clothes…and maybe a watch.’

The Guinness book of world records are now looking into whether the tirade of excuses has set a new world best, surpassing Wenger’s previous attempt of 309 in one hour during 2002, after smashing a valued piece of crockery at an in law’s Christmas party. At the time Wenger blamed ‘floating ants’ and his hands being too immature to handle the pressure. He later added ‘back then I didn’t have a thesaurus. I of course meant flying ants. They play with uncontrollable aggression…And I don’t care for it one bit.’