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Ladies… Look at Touch

MLB’s favorite arm candy Alyssa Milano has designed a new line for MLB, Touch. It’s not like she has anything else to do, right? (Wait, I say arm candy like it’s a bad thing! Who among us wouldn’t want to date Carl Pavano, Barry Zito or Brad Penny?) Ms. Milano knows that as fun as it is to go the park to scope out the hotties, it’s also important for a Lady… to look good doing so.

Join me as I review Touch…

There are five basic items of clothing in the line (if it’s only five, does it qualify as a line? Whatever): a T shirt, a tank top, a a short sleeve hoodie, a long sleeve hoodie, and a pair of jeans.

We’ll start with the jeans (AKA the ugliest item of clothing):

These jeans are fug. I mean, look at them! They’re certainly no Seven or Paper Denim & Cloth. Those pockets are going to make even the smallest ass look wide. These jeans scream Jersey mall rat (and I know me some Jersey mall rats!). They retail for $64.99 (or $40 more than I would pay for them if I didn’t find them hideous).

This is the rhinestone foil v-neck top (sounds like something a 63 year-old would wear to a buffet in Vegas) is actually kind of cute. Of course, if you’re going to wear this to the ballpark, you better keep the accessories simple. And you need a little makeup to balance the glitz. This tee is better for a night game, especially one where you’ll be bar-hopping afterwards (for example, the Deadspin East Coast Pants Party, on Friday, June 22nd, at Shea – just sayin’). I think our resident Cards fan would look fabulous in this tee. (And I really like the Mets version.) This top sells for $49.99.

Here’s the tank top. What I like: the simplicity of the front – nice clean design, just the logo (in the team’s colors and no bullshit pink), and it has a shelf bra! Good job on that. What I don’t like: I’m not crazy about the criss-cross straps. I think the top would’ve been better without the net of straps. It makes the top look tacky. This top sells for $29.99, which is okay.

This was my favorite item: the short sleeve French terry hoodie. I love the blue that they use for the Mets version. It would look so good with a ribbed tank top and khaki shorts. Or with some dark rinse jeans (not the ones above!). I think I’m buying this (to wear to the East Coast Pants Party on June 22nd at Shea – what?!). Although I think it’s a bit pricey, at $49.99.

This would be cute if she had a tank top on underneath (I know most male and lesbian readers just disagreed with me). I like the colors used, and the design. It looks like it’d fit a woman’s curves nicely, instead of the hoodies that seem to be designed to cover any signs of being female. Guys, you like to see our female signs, no? This hoodie sells at $49.99.

And since I’m covering clothes, I may as well share my favorite tee shirt by Soft As A Grape:

It looks like a plain tee with the Mets logo, you say? That’s exactly why I like it. No pink (blech), no busy patterns, just the logo, on a great-fitting white tee. It’s classic and it was cheap – $22.99. And they have it for most, if not all, teams (and no, I’m not going back to the Modell’s page to look it up).

All in all, I like the idea of MLB trying to reach out to more female fans through cute clothes – and thankfully, there is no bullshit pink. However, we don’t really need glitz for the ballpark. All we ask for are well-cut clothes, that don’t swallow up our curves, in our team’s colors.

Is that too much to ask for?

Oh, and the Touch line is only available for fans of the following teams: Angels, Athletics, Cardinals, Cubs, Dodgers, Giants, Mets, Red Sox, Reds, Tigers, and Yankees. The rest of you? Well, to hell with y’all. You’re a fan of a team Alyssa doesn’t care about.

I’m an Indians fan and they aren’t good enough for her either. Not that I would spend that much money on her clothes anyway.

Apparently she has to have dated someone on the team to make clothes for them. The only way an Indians one would be made is if she suddenly hooks up with Grady Sizemore (I would then proceed to call her a nasty name and have a heart attack if that happened).

I’m kinda surprised that you ladies don’t like it. The front is nicley downplayed and looks like it is designed well for a ladies figure and the straps at the back, while perhaps a little bit too much, add a bit of feminine sexiness to it.

And really, how often do you look at someones back for? Oh wait, acutally there are times you might spend a while looking at someones back… but the straps would probably work in that situation…

Correct me if I’m wrong, correct me if I’m wrong (alright, alright, alright, alright) but havn’t Silverlake & Echo Park been hipster enclaves for much longer than Williamsburg? I thought that Neil Young wrote (& recorded?) “After the Gold Rush” at a house in one of those neighbourhoods… & that was thirty years ago. Thirty years ago, Brooklyn was decrepit & almost all black; hell, even ten years ago (quoth Dirty, “B-b-bed Stuy, dirtiest place to be…”). I don’t even think there were any blipsters (blech… stupid neologism) (& yes, I just wrote gism) there then.

Not that I’d be able to get my wife to wear any of it anyways (though I think progress is being made on making her a Sox fan), but since there’s nothing for the White Sox it looks like it doesn’t matter. I was just happy when I’ve had a few games on so far this year that she recognized that The Punter, Aardsma, Danks, Masset and Sisco weren’t on the team last year. I mean, we did go to at least 13 or 14 games last year, and I had others on TV, but now I know she was paying attention too.

If anything, I’m shocked that they are making these for the Reds and Tigers. I know for a fact that she could sell plenty of those trashy-ish tanktops to certain elements of Sox fandom. I understand all of the rest of the team choices though (the A’s don’t have the big fan base but Alyssa’s personal past makes it pretty obvious why she threw them in there, no?). Has she dated any Tigers or Reds that I’m not remembering?

I have no idea why there are jeans in this line. Who the hell wants jeans with a team logo on them? I would think 99.9% of women who want attractive looking teamwear would be pairing their own nice jeans with a teamwear top of some kind. Jeans just seems like overkill. Does any woman want to be the female version of Ronnie Woo-Woo, decked out in Cubs gear from head to toe?

Ah, I see. & your mention of the gays & Latinos gives me a chance to pimp a pretty good film — “Quinceanera”. Saw it at the local art-house about eight months ago, maybe ten, & was impressed. Prolly got overshadowed in the grand scheme by titles like “Little Miss Sunshine” & “Mad Hot Ballroom”, though.

It got points from me for making me hate myself for being white… I thought the application of gentrifying impulses was given a thorough & fair hearing, & it just made me less favourable to it. I don’t mind increasing property values & beautifying an area, but forcing out ALL that gave the neighbourhood the character that drew the gentrifiers is a bit much.

Most European countries have banned models who have starved themselves to become the size Alyssa has achieved for these photos. It looks like she weighs less now than when she and Tony Danza were a thing.

Back “in the day” (1990) the uniform for the ‘Canadian National Women’s Hockey Team’ was pink. But that got fixed pretty quick. A few weeks ago Team Canada wore retro-pink sweaters during the recent World Cup of Women’s Hockey that were then donated to a breast cancer charity and sold on eBay.

Shouldn’t there also be a designer line of makeup in our favourite team’s colours? Some kind of non-zit giving paint-your face orange and blue stuff that won’t run when the dude behind you spills his beer all over your head as he’s trying to steal that flyball you just caught out of your hands? You know… the practical stuff.