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But Mir and Unity Next will only be used on Ubuntu, not on Linux. So how exactly are they going to benefit the Linux desktop?

Mir is Open Source and it will have if it already has all necessary parts to make it able to run Gnome or Kde on top of it (porting gnome and kde aside).It has XMir which lets you able to run X11 applications on your desktop.Secondly Ubuntu is distribution and not some rouge OS detached from Linux ecosystem.Unity Next is written in QML as KDE is.

Everybody will benefit from this because we will have one true OS with one codebase running on different form factors.

Those Linux telephone/tablet stats are due to Android and have nothing to do with Ubuntu so I do not see your point. How is competing with other Linux varients in the mobile/tablet space better for Linux then trying to capture the desktop, the only platform it is yet to conquer?

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Mir is Open Source and it will have if it already has all necessary parts to make it able to run Gnome or Kde on top of it (porting gnome and kde aside).It has XMir which lets you able to run X11 applications on your desktop.Secondly Ubuntu is distribution and not some rouge OS detached from Linux ecosystem.Unity Next is written in QML as KDE is.

Everybody will benefit from this because we will have one true OS with one codebase running on different form factors.

Except that
1. no one else wants to use Mir
2. Canonical doesn't care about the compatibility or feasibility for other distros, Mir will be designed to work for Ubuntu only
3. Everyone else is moving to use Wayland, and Ubuntu will be the only one using Mir, making Ubuntu entirely separate and incompatible from the rest of the Linux ecosystem.

Ubuntu has abandoned the way of the desktop Linux ecosystem. It may have a Linux kernel, for now, but it is moving away from being a part of the ecosystem. Soon, we will have separate software for Ubuntu and other Linux distros, just like we already have separate software for Android. Just because something has a Linux kernel doesn't mean it's part of the desktop Linux ecosystem.

I just had a look at that and its actually a really crappy keyboard. The button alignment is in a grid, which is totally wrong, and its only 4-rows. For a really good slideout keyboard, have a look at Samsung SGH-T699 "Relay".

3. Proprietary firmware (across all components or not) or open (unlocked/not secured);

So that seems basically like a "whatever" line.... not sure why you included that point.

There are a few blobs to deal with on virtually all hardware, but its starting to get better. The kernel drivers are all open source on most hardware, like the aforementioned SGH-T699, and some of the userspace blobs are being replaced by from-source stuff, albeit slowly. You mention AMD Radeon, its cousin, the Qualcomm Adreno (aka AMD Radeon) has open source drivers now, thanks to Rob Clark. Been so busy though, I haven't had a chance to test it in... Android.

5. GNU toolchain;

Google initially used bionic, I think, on account of size. Switching over to a gnu toolchain is probably not entirely unfeasible.

I'm sold. Seriously. I want a pocket computer that I can navigate and call with. I want websites instead of "apps" for everything on the go and I also want to be able to listen to music. I also want to type on the go and read some email.

Good camera, Gorrila glass and waterproof is icing on the cake.

Why does nobody simply treat smartphones as computers?! Why is it soooo hard to just make a useful phone?

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Well, if we don't like it, we can always make a compelling alternative for the common user. The biggest problem I see is that getting everything set up is just a little bit too difficult on everything but Ubuntu and its derivatives. Debian's almost there, but openSuSE and Fedora make installing stuff like Flash and codecs annoying as hell. I'm kind of surprised that no one else has accomplished what Ubuntu has, except by using it as a base. Then again, it wasn't so long ago that all we had was GNOME 2, KDE 4, and some optional third party docks and stuff. So maybe I'm expecting too much from the community that was so recently falling short.

Honestly, if someone can beat Ubuntu at its own game, while keeping users' interests in sight, I'm sure most of us would slowly move over. It's just really bad timing for a mutiny.

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...but openSuSE and Fedora make installing stuff like Flash and codecs annoying as hell. I'm kind of surprised that no one else has accomplished what Ubuntu has, except by using it as a base.

I disagree, Mandriva, Linspire, Mepis to name a few did before Ubuntu. Fedora and openSuSE cannot include by default codecs like mp3, H264 due to software patents law in US and their philosophy to only include FOSS.