You're a cute 8 months old kitten, and I love you. You adopted my sister as your Mom, and that's fine.

You like to go out, that is fine, too. Except...

When you don't come back before bedtime because you'd rather chase butterflies around the building, fine.

When you decide you'll try to open the front door yourself by jumping on the handle at 2 AM... not fine. Grandma was asleep and told your dearest Auntie (me) to go check, and there you were.

Even less okay than that is you going to grab a bite in your food bowl, and then deciding you'll jump on your Mommy's bedroom door handle... and go park yourself on her behind, massaging her, and purring loudly while she sleeps! Grandma went to check on your Momma and asked if she should take you off her, but your Momma loves you and said it was okay.

In summary, dear Tsuki:

Can you tell me how you got this idea of jumping on door handles to open doors ?

You are a big cat. You don't realize it, because you don't look in the mirror much, but at 10 months old and 13 pounds you are a BIG CAT.*

As such, you are hereby prohibited from taking a run through the house, leaping up, and clinging vertically to the window screen until I squirt you with water.

And also, that nice shell curtain in front of the kitchen window? It's there for decor, not for kittening. That you were grabbing a shell in your mouth, running up the stairs, and letting it go so it shook all the others up and raised a racket, then jumping at all the shell strands ... funny, yes, but if the thing comes out of the wall Mama will be displeased.

Love,

Your Mom who is decor-challenged and couldn't figure out how to fix the drywall you'll break doing that

PS. Stay out of the yarn baskets, you little nimrod.

Dear Bo:

You are the small one. As you and Luke grow, you will remain the small one. This will never change. It will only intensify. Therefore, you are advised to quit bouncing on Luke all savage-like, because someday he will realize that he outweighs you by at least a factor of three and will EAT YOU, which is hardly far-fetched considering he eats everything including Mom's yarn.

Love,

Your Mom who sorta likes you, in spite of your being a weird mix of cat, snake, and monkey

Dear Boo,Please do not give me the big sad eyes when I'm cleaning your owners house. Yes, I know I was told I can give you treats and play with you during my breaks. But the deep groans and mournful sighs don't work when I know you've had breakfast. Please go play with your puppy brother... I have a list of things to do and will take a break at lunch.Puppy friend who cleans the house

Dear Bong,Why did you have to join Boo in the sad eyes and whimper choir at the window? I just cleaned that dadgumit thing, and now I've got puppy eyeballs imprinted on it. Yes, I know you want treats now. Yes, I know you want to play now...

Dear Houseowners,Yes, we have been friends for years. And I appreciate being able to socialize with your lovely dogs. And I'm glad you've taught me about their little tricks. Please ignore the puppy snack wrappers in the garbage. The treats were mysteriously in my pocket when I arrived this morning.And yes, your puppies are very happy and well exercised when you get home. Your home is clean and now I need to get the puppy drool and grass stains out of my pants. It has been a nice day outside.Sincerely,Puppy friend who cleans the house

You are a 12 lb BIG CAT. When you jump on Mommy's tummy in the morning, you HURT me! And you have lots and lots of fur. You can please not sit on my face and make me remove you.

Dear Blackie:

Don't get mad at your sister when you were the one letting your tail hang over a chair and she chooses to grab it in between her paws. It's not fair to yowl and hiss and act as if the world is coming to an end. She's just doing what kittehs do.

We are aware that you are a very intelligent cat - and a surprisingly strong one. This was demonstrated when you learned to open cupboard doors, and again when we caught you closing them behind you. I am sure it is very frustrating that your sister will not learn to do this on her own.

However, shutting her in cupboards will not teach her how to open them.

Dear Mouse,We've had this conversation before. It is NOT my fault that it is raining. I know you want to go outside to go potty. I applaud this. However, you have two choices. Run outside and go fast and Mommy will dry you off when you get back. Or use the litter box inside. Now, I know you hate having to use the litter box. However, this was your choice this morning. Please to stop the tortured meowing as you take the long, lonely walk to poo. Next time, just go outside. It will be easier on all of us and this rain is scheduled for 3 days.