Florida Man Is Greatest Gambler Ever

I’m not much of a gambling man, but I have been known to throw down a sixpence or two on the local American football contest. Alas, some men are just better gamblers than I. And while gambling isn’t much of a sport, it still mostly involves the urge of competitive nature, and when it involves a retard dying, then I’m all for giving it attention. Especially when that retard died in my old stomping grounds of Broward County, Florida.

Timothy Jordan celebrated his 46th birthday by getting hammered and taking a swim. One of his friends apparently bet him $50 that he couldn’t swim across a canal. Timothy lost that bet when he died from drowning. You know, in all seriousness, I know it’s mean to joke around about someone’s death, but as a person who vehemently defends Florida as a place that isn’t completely full of morons, this kind of crap just really sets my fight back a few hundred years.

Deputies say Jordan was drunk when he stripped down to his boxer shorts and jumped into the canal. He made it about halfway across when he started struggling.

Divers recovered his body just after 4 a.m.

For those of you unfamiliar with South Florida, there are canals everywhere. There was a canal down the street from the house I grew up in and when I was a kid, my friends and I would try to jump it with our bikes. And it was easy because it was like 6 feet across. In fact, most canals are pretty narrow, so it blows my mind that this guy couldn’t swim 10 feet. But then again, I don’t really know anything about Ol’ Einstein and his swimming habits, so whatever. But I do know that canals are f*cking gross and usually filled with alligators, so great job, TJ.

Sheriff: Looks like an open and shut case. I don’t think you’ll be finding any foul play here Horatio.

Horatio Caine: Wanna bet?

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By: BK

09.27.2010 @ 1:33 PM

Man, I wish there had been an alligator.

By: Thor and Thwolen

09.28.2010 @ 9:42 AM

*Looks at Florida drivers license*

*Looks at address on google maps*

*Weeps*

By: Quasimofo

09.28.2010 @ 4:13 PM

TJ, he tried to swim across is one of those wide canals located around Dania Beach that boats use for access to inter-coastal. The canal he was swimming across was about 100′ wide and depending on the time may have had a strong current which added to the fact he was drunk at the time means he earned himseld an entry into the Darwin Awards.