As Bulgaria, a member of the EU since 2007, braces up to take over its first ever rotating presidency of the union, Prime Minister Boyko Borisov has warned: "There are members of parliament who are involved in drugs trafficking, there are individuals who have been buying the votes of prisoners, and there are people who call Bulgarians imbeciles."

Bulgaria is supposed to start its presidency on 1 January 2018.

Borisov's statement should be taken seriously by the EU and its law enforcement agencies because it comes at a time when Bulgaria was slammed once again by a damning EU report for its failure to fight corruption and reform its judiciary.

Significantly, Borisov failed to name who exactly in the Bulgarian National Assembly was involved with "drugs trafficking." Most of the mainstream media, known for being increasingly docile to the establishment, never asked. The leader of the opposition BSP, or Bulgarian Socialist Party, tried to pose the question in parliament, but she was banned from the rostrum by the speaker, a GERB member and a Borisov supporter, for what he termed insulting questions to the prime minister.

When a prime minister in any country accuses the supreme lawmaking body of accommodating "drugs traffickers," there are usually two options available. The police should investigate and arrest the alleged drugs traffickers, and the courts should try them. However, if no individuals belonging to that category are identified, the prime minister should resign because he or she has lied in parliament.

As this journal was going to press, it was reported that the GERB revealed several... newspaper articles that indeed alleged an MP for the BSP as being the culprit. The Office of the Chief Prosecutor promptly started an investigation on that basis.

To celebrate Bulgaria's first ever presidency of the EU, which is due to start on 1 January 2018, the Sofia City Council is in the process of devising ingenuous ways to show to the world that in the past 10 years Bulgaria and its capital look more European than they actually do.

Don't think only of the slippery floor tiles being laid out in and around the NDK, or National Palace of Culture, in Central Sofia, or the bronze lion holding a map of Bulgaria that entails parts of Greece and Macedonia within the Kingdom of Bulgaria now being installed where the 1,300 Years of Bulgaria monument used to stand. The local authorities have a lot more in stock for you.

For one, snow ploughers in Sofia (remember last winter, and the winter before that, and the winter before that…) will now be equipped with a Bulgarian and an EU flag to wave whilst ploughing the snow. The measure will be applied during the presidency.

Then Sofia City Council seems determined to ban horse-drawn carts from the streets of Sofia – the city being defined as what lies within the Circular Road. A working group in Yordanka Fandakova's office is now exploring ways how to do that. A city councillor revealed to the media that there was a broad political consensus to get horse-drawn carts off the streets of Sofia. Violators will have their horses rather than their carts impounded, he added, because it was too easy for the owners to construct new carts.

The horses collected in this way will be used in an unspecified "charity for children," he added.

Unless you've already had too many beers or Rakiya, this country's "national drink," you will sooner or later notice that restaurant service in Bulgaria is often bad. Sometimes it can get even worse.

At the peak of this summer's season a group of restaurant-goers in Sozopol, at the Black Sea coast, resorted to the currently fashionable Small Claims Court, known also as Facebook. They told the hundreds of thousands of Bulgarians whose chief source of information is Mark Zuckerberg's invention that they had booked a table at a restaurant but not all of them showed up for dinner. Four chairs were left empty. At the end of the evening they were presented with a bill that listed an "empty chair" tax, something that the inventive owner of the restaurant had designed to ensure his establishment was occupied to full capacity.

Yes, you've read the above correctly. An Empty Chair Tax, or ECT!

Characteristically, dozens of jokes were immediately put into circulation. According to one, there would be a new tax called EAT, for Empty Ashtray Tax. You have an ashtray on your table but you don't use you it because you don't smoke? Well, you have to pay a tax for it. There is also the one about the No Other Drink Tax. "Want another drink?" the waiter asks. "No, thank you," you reply. Then the NODT comes into effect.

The Sozopol incident was so absurd that Prime Minister Boyko Borisov was quick to seize the opportunity to make some publicity for himself. Appearing as the deus ex machina that has befitted him in his third term in office, he ordered Nikolina Angelkova, installed by him to be minister of tourism, to initiate a tax probe into the Sozopol restaurant. Unsurprisingly, a few days later it was reported that there had been no irregularities.

Significantly, eager Bulgarians were left to wonder what would have happened had the prime minister not spared a minute of his precious time to order his tourism minister to act.

In the meantime, Boyko Borisov's deputy, Valeri Simeonov of the National Front for the Salvation of Bulgaria and himself a hotel owner, led a bunch of cops in Sunny Beach to probe… the noise levels emitted by the local discos.

Those DJs who were uncooperative got their equipment impounded. Revellers were unhappy, but the message was again rammed home.

]]>Joke of the monthTue, 05 Sep 2017 13:31:14 +0000PRIME MINISTER WITHOUT A SMOKED SAUSAGE IN HIS HANDhttps://www.vagabond.bg/fun/joke-of-the-month/item/3829-prime-minister-without-a-smoked-sausage-in-his-hand.html
https://www.vagabond.bg/fun/joke-of-the-month/item/3829-prime-minister-without-a-smoked-sausage-in-his-hand.html

Life in the warped reality of life in GERB's Bulgaria can sometimes assume surreal dimensions. Each outrage committed by the top GERB functionaries is almost immediately followed by something totally unexpected – and even more outrageous than before – in order to distract the attention of the general public from the really important issues such as the failed judiciary reforms, the unwillingness or the inability of the police to solve even street crimes (whose number increases by the day) and the plummeting standards of democracy in the EU's poorest and most corrupt member state.

Consider this. Zhivko Martinov, a GERB MP for Dobrich in northeastern Bulgaria, was accused of… extorting a local businessman for 4,000 kilograms of sausages plus 60 kilos of jerked beef and some Elena fillets. The businessman, who is a local meat producer, was told that the sausages were to go directly to… Prime Minister Boyko Borisov for his own perusal – so they should be the best available.

The man complied. Perhaps he really loved the idea of presenting his produce directly to the prime minister. Perhaps he feared if he refused bad things might start happening to him… His motivation will probably remain a mystery forever.

Then the MP transported the sausages in his own van – 4 times, 1,000 kilos on each ride – to a special room he had prepared for drying up the foodstuff.

Chief Prosecutor Sotir Tsatsarov, who made the announcement and called to have the GERB MP immunity lifted, explained that "not a single sausage actually reached the prime minister."

Anyone outside Bulgaria may be wondering whether the above story is not a bad joke by a sick standup comedian. But Bulgarians take a different view. To start off with, there is nothing wrong in the prime minister – or anyone else in power, even locally – being given donations of sausages, cheese, sometimes fresh chicken and/or eggs. Maybe a piglet. This is something that has been going on in Bulgaria for a very long time and has been described by writers of different political inclinations throughout the 20th century. The scandal, if any, is that the prime minister was actually left sausage-less.

Anyone outside Bulgaria may also be wondering how the GERB leader might fire his whole team in Dobrich without at least a probe to verify that some of those GERBers might actually not have been involved in the racket. Locals, however, take a different view. They actually like to see someone as resolute as Boyko Borisov fire, without delay and with extreme prejudice, a bunch of simple mortals. Whether they really erred or not is entirely beside the point.

Boyko Borisov again emerged pristine from what some critics were quick to dub the Sausage Affair. He immediately parted with those he thought might have been complicit in the wrongdoing. But most important of all, no one ever caught him with a smoked (the pun is unintended) sausage in his hand.

Do you think that if anyone had, the outcome might have been different?

Bulgaria's extreme nationalism, whose main perpetrators are now in government, sometimes assumes wacky proportions. In the past several months the political establishment of GERB, supported by the loose alliance of ultranationalists identifying themselves as "united patriots," has been ruthless in condemning and eradicating anything that might smack of "anti-Bulgarianness." Of course, no one but GERB's leaders and their nationalist pals can define what Bulgarianness means. It may range from wearing baggy 19th century peasant trousers and fur hats to more "refined" 21st century Bulgarian "virtues" such as being anti-cosmopolitan, anti-liberal and of course anti-gay.

History the way the nationalists understand and interpret it is a major part of this typically Balkan concoction, and the latest manifestation came when Prime Minister Boyko Borisov abruptly cancelled a scheduled meeting with the former world chess champion, Anatoly Karpov, now a pro-Putin MP in Moscow. Karpov's misdemeanour? He said the alphabet used in Russia went to that country from… Byzantium.

Modern Bulgarians were unable to swallow what they considered to be a major historical slur against Bulgarianness because the Cyrillic alphabet was created within the borders of 10th century Bulgaria.

The Karpov incident has a background. Earlier, no one lesser than Putin himself made a public statement to the effect that the Cyrillic alphabet had reached the Russian lands from… Macedonia. In this way he instantly alienated himself even from his staunchest supporters in Bulgaria because no one here seriously thinks there is any such thing as a Macedonian nation or language, not to mention an alphabet.

So, next time you are planning to come to Bulgaria and especially if you have a scheduled appointment with the prime minister, think twice before answering any reporters' questions such as whose alphabet is this or do you think there ever was a "Turkish yoke."

To be prepared, just in case, know exactly what Byzantium means, what its relationship with the Roman Empire, on the one hand, and the Bulgars on the other was. Learn about Kliment of Ohrid and his disciples Naum and Angelariy. And of course be very sure that what in 2017 is known as the Republic of Macedonia is called the former Yugoslav republic of Macedonia (or just Skopje) in Greece, and that it has nothing to do with Alexander the Great and his father Philip of Macedon, who lived in the 4th century BC, even though the Skopje airport proudly bears the name of Alexander. Confused? You may well be. But unless you know all that, you may be given a very rough ride.

Of course, the Karpov-Borisov incident may have a simpler explanation. Borisov, who considers himself to be a great sportsman and dabbles in anything from tennis to football, dislikes being beaten. In all likelihood he may have got cold feet that he might be defeated at the chess table by the former world champion, and to save face he just cancelled. But it is always good to have a "patriotic" motive for a cancellation.

]]>Joke of the monthMon, 03 Jul 2017 12:54:36 +0000NOT TO AN US COMPANYhttps://www.vagabond.bg/fun/joke-of-the-month/item/3731-not-to-an-us-company.html
https://www.vagabond.bg/fun/joke-of-the-month/item/3731-not-to-an-us-company.html

Pavel Shopov, the MP for Ataka, was nominated for deputy transportation minister in charge of information technologies.

Except for his extreme nationalist views, Shopov is also known for his inability to put on a pair of simple headphones.

In response to a video of the incident, which circulates on YouTube, Shopov explained that he did not put on the headphones properly on purpose because he felt squeamish the cushions had not been changed. He added that a former girlfriend texted him he looked very "sweet" with the headphones.

When Shopov was an MP in the 40th National Assembly he vehemently opposed plans to start a digital edition of State Gazette, this country's official paper through which all laws are disseminated. At that time he said he opposed the plans to render it into the hands of an "American company." Asked which company he was referring to, he answered: "The Internet."

At last report Shopov's nomination for the senior IT job has been withdrawn.

Since they got the power in 2009, both Borisov and Tsvetanov have been careful not to irritate the West. They have been more than willing when it comes to police cooperation, counterterrorism and preventing illegal immigration, which after all is what the West is primarily interested in these days. In exchange, they have been given a free hand to do whatever they feel like in their native Bulgaria. Which they have done: the result of which is a dismal economy, lowest ever freedom of speech, uranium traces in the drinking water supplies for Haskovo and a Sofia where the only thing that really functions is the car removal trucks drivers lovingly refer to as "spiders." Obviously, the

West doesn't care about these things, but it does care if someone like Siderov gets to talk.

After the latest general election, however, Siderov will talk. He will be a major, in fact an indispensable coalition partner to the new GERB government, which a media in Sofia recently described as More of the Same, With a Pinch of "Patriotism."

Interestingly, when GERB were briefly out of power in 2013, the street protestors, the intellectuals and GERB itself made a big fuss about having Volen Siderov support the Oresharski government. The fact is that he did not. He just attended a session of parliament to make sure there was a quorum. At that time, everyone was outraged that the BSP could partner with people like Siderov.

A poster advertising GERB's leader Boyko Borisov, who was prime minister twice in the past 10 years, appeared for a few days on billboards along Bulgaria's highways and on posters posted outside GERB offices in some towns. Borisov, whose candidate, Tsetska Tsacheva lost bitterly to Ret Gen Rumen Radev in the presidential election last year thus prompting her boss to resign and invoke a snap election, appears stern as ever, wearing a general's uniform and posing in front of the Bulgarian national flag. Before taking up politics Borisov was in the protection business, then became this country's top policeman.

Some skeptics immediately drew visual comparisons to Gen Augusto Pinochet, the Latin American dictator who ruled Chile with an iron fist during the 1970s and 1980s.

Political activists alerted the Central Election Commission, or CEC, the body supposed to oversee the "fairness" of the election campaign. The CEC noted the material broke the law twice: once by having a political contender posing in front of the national flag, and one more time by lacking the compulsory note Buying or Selling Votes Is a Crime, which legally should be at least 10 percent of the total size of the image.

GERB were surprised and said they didn't know anything about the billboards. They said a "mysterious" man had called them by phone and then said the materials were to be distributed in the "villages."

The owner of a billboard along the Sofia-Plovdiv highway is a plastic packaging manufacturer and a soft drinks producer while the owner of the billboard in Sofia's Lyulin housing estate was not immediately clear.

Similar images of Borisov have been printed on T-shirts and are being worn by supporters at various public occasions, but they do not list the ballot number of GERB, therefore falling outside the competence scope of the CEC.

GERB are out of government at the national level, but many cities and towns in Bulgaria are still being run by GERB people, which means that ordinary folk in this country continue to get the sort of entertainment that has become characteristic for the GERB make-believe economy and services.

Take Yordanka Fandakova, the mayor of Sofia, a former teacher who was handpicked for the job by Boyko Borisov. Some time ago the Sofia City Council installed pedestrian buttons at traffic lights, supposedly to alleviate congestion. People, especially elderly folk and visitors from out-of-town, failed to understand how those worked because no one had explained to them. Significantly, the new buttons were installed at major crossings in Central Sofia where there is always a steady flow of both vehicular and pedestrian traffic.

If Western urban planning is anything to go by, such manually operated traffic lights are usually installed at lesser crossings and byroads, not in the city centre, to ensure pedestrians are given right-of-way over cars. The result in Sofia: congestion remains at its pre-pedestrian button levels, and so does jaywalking.

Mrs Fandakova's newest initiative is likely to become a permanent hit on the jokes forums on the Bulgarian Internet. Picking on an innovation that's been on the London Underground for years, the City Council has started producing badges for pregnant women to ensure they get a seat on the metro.

Not bad, one would have thought, since many pregnant women feel embarrassed if they have to ask someone else to stand up and vacate a seat for them.

The Bulgarians, however, responded with the usual mixture of some rather rough and inimitably Bulgarian jokes. One said the new badges would make sure no one would stand up and give a seat to a lady that's just fatter. A badge would clarify all doubts.

Another describes an incident between a thin lady who sits next to a pregnant lady. In the ensuing conversation the pregnant lady inquires whether the thin lady is also pregnant. Oh yes, the thin lady responds. Since 15 minutes – and my legs are still shaking.

... Especially if accompanied by a few sentences to explain the context. The man in the middle is Bulgaria's former Prime Minister Boyko Borisov. The location is Hitrino, a village in northeastern Bulgaria. The occasion is a major train accident at the village station that resulted in a huge explosion leaving eight people dead and devastating many people's homes.

Borisov was quick to show up at the scene and have a few pictures of him with members of the fire brigade. He is himself a former firefighter. He also said his government would be giving 10 million leva to support the affected villagers. It is unclear how the train company's insurers would respond.

The two train drivers were arrested and stand accused for manslaughter. The expert commission appointed to investigate the accident said it would take as long as six months to reach any conclusion.Borisov's governments had for years been ignoring Bulgaria's dilapidated train infrastructure, heavily subsidising it with taxpayers' money and at the same time doing little to improve it and make it profitable. Bulgarian State Railways have had many accidents in the past, often resulting in deaths. Several Bulgarian trains have caught fire, owing to electrical faults, and passengers have burnt alive.

In 1971, the express train from Sofia to Burgas covered the 400-kilometre distance in less than 4.30 hours, about two hours faster than now. The Ruse-Varna railway, the first in Bulgaria, was built in 1866, when Bulgaria was part of the Ottoman Empire, in less than two-and-a-half years. Under Borisov, no railway line in Bulgaria has been even modernised fully.

The picture above has been circulating on social media immediately after his visit. Sometimes an image is indeed worth a million words.