Teacher Arrested For Smoking Pot With Student And Of Course Having Sex With Him

Sometimes you look the part. I read a headline like “Woman Arrested For Sex With Dog And Fisting Self With Potato” and I can already guess what this chick looks like: unkempt hair, maybe around 45 lbs. of extra baggage and a lazy eye to top everything off. When it comes to teachers having sex with their students though, it’s always a surprise – sometimes they’re hot, like this one, and other times they look like they’ve been eating nothing but cigarettes for the past 50 years.

34-year-old Valerie Michelle Valvo, an art teacher at Central High School in Brooksville, Florida, may not look like she eats Marlboro Lights for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but there’s a better than even chance she’s been sleeping under a freeway for at least a month. That may sound mean, but…

…yeah. Girlfriend needs a vacation.

According to Daily Mail, our dear friend Valerie here was arrested after allegations came to light that she had sex with an unidentified 17-year-old male student. Police interviewed the student after Central High School contacted the authorities, who admitted that he and Valerie “had engaged in sexual relations” at least three times. Valerie, ever the romantic, says they had sex “as many as six times.” I suppose in the grand scheme of things three vs. six doesn’t matter, but when you’re about to be tried for boning an underage student, semantics are key. Hopefully Valerie learns to round down in the next few months.

Unlike most teachers who get arrested for inappropriate student relationships, Valerie went right ahead and admitted to everything, including that their relationship was consensual. “She [Valerie] did admit that she was having a sexual relationship with the student,” Denise Maloney of the Hernando County Sheriff’s office stated to WFLA. “The student is 17 years old. He is not old enough to consent to a relationship like that.”

It probably doesn’t help Valerie’s case that she reportedly used marijuana and alcohol to “set the mood,” as most observers would assume they came into play to try and help loosen the boy up so Valerie could trap him in her snatch. That’s my go-to move: get hammered, get stoned, and then…well, I’m not really sure. I don’t usually get further than that because I crash and burn right around drink number seven and the weed doesn’t do much to help my cognitive functions; I am a great date, in other words.

Nah, but I’ve got a pair of stilettos so high they scream “I’M INSECURE SOMEONE PLEASE FUCK ME”

As for Valerie, she’s been suspended without pay pending the outcome of the investigation. She posted $15,500 bail and has been released from the Hernando County Detention Center in the meantime.

March 24, 2017

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