Navy Sends Rescued Fishermen $37 Million Bill

NORFOLK, Va. — When the Navy helicopter approached Bob and Doug McKenzie’s lifeboat, they felt only gratitude at their impending rescue, after the brothers’ fishing boat caught fire and they were forced to abandon ship. Now just hours later, they feel only anger after the Navy delivered a $37 million bill for the rescue.

According to Navy Spokesman Cdr. Frank Hardy, the USS Theodore Roosevelt disrupted a training exercise, a luau, and karaoke night in the Chief’s mess to rescue the fisherman, so the bill is “more than reasonable.”

“How can you put a price on a human life, and say $18.5 million is too much for each? Not to mention the price of screwing with the Chief’s mess?” Hardy said.

Navy officials say the cost is further justified when considering delays to other important events on the ship such as helicopter flights and at least two dozen sailors’ daily masturbatory operations in the fan room.

“This deployment is costing $6,545,250,000, and we lost more than a full day, what with the rescue and then the endless discussion of it in the Battle Group,” Hardy said. “Honestly, these sailors can’t stop jabbering when something out of the ordinary happens.”

Hardy noted that with a six month deployment, the cost works out to $36,362,496.23 per day.

“We rounded up to an even $37 million, because we had to pass a little sugar to Cousin Coastie. The Coast Guard gets really mad when we beat them to a rescue.”

For their part, the McKenzie brothers have decided not only to ignore the bill, but to sue the Navy.

“The reason we were on fire is, the damn carrier ran us down in the first place,” younger brother Doug told Duffel Blog.

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