Monday, January 13, 2014

Ask Wash! HELP!

Q. Dear Wash,

My
wife is going into labor! I don't know what to do! We live all the way
out here in the country, and only have this internet connection, and I
don't know anything about doctoring or being a father! Your advice would
be greatly appreciated!

-HELP!

A. Dear HELP!

Jaysus,
lad! Don’t panic! The first thing you have to remember is not to panic.
See, I know this because back in the Points, we all lived in a crowded
building with paper-thin walls, so if anyone was in the family way,
everyone within earshot knew about it. And the one thing I kept hearing
was “don’t panic!”

The
other thing I kept hearing was orders for the lads to boil water. I’m
not sure what that was for, but I suspect it was to keep them busy so
they had something other to do than panic.

Having
said that, me boyo, I should probably go ahead and tell you that you
have every reason to panic. I’m a bachelor, so I am, and me ma’s been
long done with that sort of thing. So if it's sodding terrible advice you need, then you've come to the right place.
I’ve heard a hell of a lot of panicking through the walls in me life.
But since it’s just you and your lass, you can’t do that. So don’t. So
keep things as clean as you can, hold your lass’s hand, and hope for the
best. If all goes well, you’re going to end up with a baby whether you
do or you don’t, so you might as well spare yourself the trouble.

Near
as I can tell, that’s the easy part. The hard part is what comes next,
where you have to be a da. The stuff you have to do and know to be a da
are a lot harder to get right. Your wee bairn will think you keep the
sun and the moon and the stars in the sky, and just for them. And in a
way, he or she will be right.