Small arms bring big football wins for Hellions

The Timberville Hellions finally ended their long losing streak with a 10-0 win against the Granby Cougars, after trading their blue uniforms for dapper green camouflage and automatic weapons.

Using a combination of suppressing fire and strategically placed antipersonnel devices, the Hellions dominated the game from the opening seconds, when a burst of gunfire from quarterback Tommy Pilkner felled a Cougars linebacker.

The Cougars gave a disappointing performance during the game, appearing disorganized and inept as they attempted to drag the bodies of dead and wounded teammates from the field.

Coach Werner Senger drew criticism last month for his decision to change the Hellions’ traditional blue uniform for the Kevlar-lined body armor. But after the game there were few doubters.

“I wish I’d done it years ago,” he laughed. “This is exactly the kind of hard-hitting power this team has needed.”

Quarterback Pilkner was also pleased with his team’s performance.

“We had a good game. It all came together. It was mainly about teamwork, speed, and discipline. The uniforms and the high powered weaponry were kind of the icing on the cake, helping to build the morale of our team, and make a few holes in the other guys.”

Spirits were low in the the Granby Cougars dressing room, and coach Elliot Moorvale hinted that there would be significant changes to the team’s lineup for the next game.