My VB teacher was going over how attendance works, and that he couldn't count it against us if there was a sports event, and we were one of the athletes. At which point he looked at everyone in the class and said, "Yeah, I don't think that's going to be an issue here."

Exchange with my other Poli Sci professor when someone barged into the room during class

Barging person: "Oh, we have a meeting soon."Prof: "Soon? Exactly. It's not for fifteen minutes. You should have knocked. Didn't your mother ever teach you to knock before entering a room?"Fellow student: "The door was open."Prof: "So, you're saying it's my fault they barged in?"

My engineering teacher from Nigeria, whom we call "Mr. Madu", is full of these.

One particular instance I remember is a friend of mine watching Mr. Madu do his regular morning routine while really enjoying his coffee. Noticeably so, at least. My friend joked to Mr. Madu, "What's in that coffee?"

Mr. Madu takes a huge swig of coffee, looks my friend in the eye, and says in the heaviest Nigerian accent:

I have quite a few from my 7th grade English/Social Studies teacher, Mr. W. I was in the advanced class in an otherwise pretty stupid part of town, and us "advanced" students generally had very little interaction with the other students. This resulted in both us and our teachers getting away with more than would normally be allowed for a 7th grade class. He was known for teaching things normally not taught until later grades, and for eschewing "normal" English and Social Studies topics.He was also the coach for the Knowledge Bowl team (interscholastic trivia competition, for those who don't know).

"It's come to my attention that a number of our female students are attracted Orlando Bloom, and specifically, him playing Legolas. As such, I am starting the Anti Elf League. First meeting is today after school."

(after a lecture on the Allegory of the Cave)"Oh, and by the way, this is basically the plot of The Matrix. You'll never be able to watch it the same way again."(pause)"You know, we should start keeping a list of all the movies and shows I've ruined for you"

(upon seeing somebody at his desk, with a book that had been resting on his chair)"Hey, put that down. I could get in trouble if the district knew I had that here!"(upon seeing that it's my friend and I with the book)"Oh, actually, you'll probably find that hilarious. Just don't read it until after school."(it was a satirical, politically charged book, by the way)

"I'd like to congratulate anyone who was able to watch Lost last night without thinking of Lord of the Flies."

(after a Knowledge Bowl practice, my friend and I hung back to ask Mr. W about some stuff)"I got some more info about the competition next week. We're up against the stupidest schools in the district, so instead of balancing our teams like normal, I'm putting all our stupid players in 2 teams so they can go even with the competition, and then stacking the last team with you 2, (student A), and (student B) so you can destroy everyone in your path."

(during KB practice. We had all been reading old question sheets to get a better feel for how they're formatted and stuff. He then grabbed a different sheet and started asking questions. I don't remember the exact numbers, so just bear with me.)W: "If Jt is 263,000 and ET is-"(student): "Saturn."(looks at paper)W: "Uh, yeah. Okay, last time I checked, (student) wasn't a deity, so we must've grabbed the same sheet."

Not really a quote, but I once shot a rubber band at random in class, and it ended up hitting someone in the face quite hard. He called me to his desk and started filling out a detention slip. Under the reason, he wrote: Shooting a guy in the face*At the bottom of the page, in tiny writing, was: *with a rubber band.

Freshman Physical Science, at the beginning of the year:"I have been told by some that I am a bad teacher. I'd just like to set the record straight: yeah, I might be. I was originally in the logging industry, but after accidentally killing my third species of endangered bird, I decided it was time for a career change."

Junior History Teacher:"I once went on a European trip with (another teacher at the school). We basically spent 3 weeks going to different countries and making fun of any French people we could find. Best part was this little cafe in France. We almost got kicked out."

If you're thinking to yourself, "all this structure and order make perfect sense," then Java is going to be your friend. If, on the other hand, you're thinking to yourself "what is with all this privacy shit, I just want to change this fucking variable," then Java is going to feel like trying to wrestle a mountain lion while wearing a straitjacket!

From my Sociology Professor last year:"All 18-22 year olds are assholes." [This was the first day of class]“I give you a take home exam and, I don’t know what cheating is here, you, I don’t know, take 10 hours, as if I care. I see that as punishment enough.”“Like most of you will learn in this course you will find most people don’t agree with what I say. I happen to be right...”While discussing a scenario in which we started a fire in the classroom. “If someone misunderstands us and brings us a plastic chair, the fume of which would kill us, we would be unhappy campers.”Student: “As you told us last semester we’re all smarter than you.” Professor: “I should hope so.”“Don’t feed me reality. All you can do with reality is prove to me that not all economists are idiots.” “One can’t kill your intelligence, but one can kill you.”“Theorists are obnoxious assholes who think they know what’s there before they know what’s there”[On Durkheim] “If that’s what he’s saying we wouldn’t be reading him because he would be a dufos.”Prof: “Most of what’s been written about this book has been written by sociologists, who are not God’s, swiftest, creatures.”...“Physicists are smarter than sociologists. Economists are smarter than sociologists.”"I'm not scary" [This is, in fact, a flat out lie]“I can be very arrogant and self-effacing so let me be both.”Here's some advice he gave us for our first midterm:

“One is likely to presume the dumbest argument is on the paper [when grading].”“Crying hysterically [during the prep period] I strongly recommend, I assume it’s too late to drop the course. I hope it’s too late.”“If you have a chimpanzee, a parakeet, or a German shepherd I highly recommend you consult it.”

“I seduce you into shaking hands so I have my left hand free and can knife you in the stomach and steal your wallet.”“Before you enter into any relationship, bring the person to me or someone else trustworthy.”"I am God. I am a cruel god and I demand burnt offerings."

"Now... let's say that you and I were out at [Popular bar area] one night and we happened to get into a barfight with a student from [Other college]. Which would be more noble? You taking him on with a broken beer bottle or me running across the street and shooting him with a bow and arrow?"

Frankenstein is an awful book. Truly terrible.So terrible I feel the need to express my opinion on it whenever the subject comes up. But evidently you agree?

WibblyWobbly wrote:If the ratio of the length of the shaft of a 4-iron to the diameter of a blackberry is 3*pi^3 + 2*pi/3 + (2*e-pi)/(2*e*pi), how does that tell me whether I should use a sand wedge or a lob wedge against an opponent holding an apricot?

I feel that frankenstein reads as though it was written by the worst kind of stereotypical 18 year old. Nothing against real 18 year Olds, but so melodramatic and yet so boring. Frankenstein is not sympathetic, I'm with you there.

WibblyWobbly wrote:If the ratio of the length of the shaft of a 4-iron to the diameter of a blackberry is 3*pi^3 + 2*pi/3 + (2*e-pi)/(2*e*pi), how does that tell me whether I should use a sand wedge or a lob wedge against an opponent holding an apricot?

Not sure if this counts, but:In a first-grade class at my school (K-12), a teacher's assistant came in to teach the class about the American Revolution. The kids were getting bored, obviously, so the next time he came in, he brought in a bucket full of water, three tea bags, and three paper boats. At the beginning of the lecture, he put the tea bags into the boats, then put the boats into the water. They began to sink, so he took out the tea. When he got to the Boston Tea Party, he actually tore the tea bags open and poured the contents into the water. After stirring it up a bit:

Child 1: Can I drink it?Assistant: No.

Well, a bit after that, he dug the sunken ships out, put them in a Ziploc bag, then went to pour the bucket out. A few minutes later, he returned, saying:

Sorry, but I think I've clogged the drain.

He then got the spoon he used to stir up the tea and walked out. The teacher then said:

You know how [Assistant] clogged up the sink with the water? Imagine a whole harbor full of it, and how messy that would be!

The assistant came back in eventually with the bucket. He'd managed to unclog the drain by poking a hole in the layer of waterlogged tea. He then went on with the lesson as if nothing had happened.At one point, while explaining the French and Indian Wars:

Assistant: The first war was started in Europe because of the French. The second war was started in Europe because of the French. The third war was started...Children, all at once: Because of the French.Child 2: The French were bad, aren't they?Assistant: Actually, because of the Germans.

Clive Holmes whilst teaching an intro history course in 1986 wrote:By the 14th century, this machinery, this bureaucracy, had become of labyrinthine convolution, and a byword for dilatoriness, and also for peculation.

It rolled off his tongue. That's just the way he spoke. Loved the guy, but I had to keep a dictionary close at hand. That one sentence about the papacy has stayed with me for nearly 3 decades now.

I suspect that this is not really going to come across in print, but I feel that I must immortalize it online nonetheless. This appears to be the place.

Towards the end of school, when we weren't doing anything, some kids in Pre-Calc were playing card games. The teacher must have gotten annoyed and said something like this to one of his less-liked students.

Teacher: Do you want to play bus driver?Student: Sure.*Teacher picks up deck*Teacher: Your the bus driver. *pointing at student**Throws deck at student*Teacher: Now pick up the passengers.

I had a psychology professor for 4 weeks during the intersession. Halfway through the first class I took out a notebook and started writing his best quotes down. I did the same for all the other classes.

French is the easiest language to fake. Just take the last word [that the other person said] and make it a question... I was in Quebec and did that for 30 minutes.

Professor: What do you call someone who knows 2 languages.Class: Bilingual.Professor: What do you call someone who knows 3 languages.Class: Trilingual.Professor: What do you call someone who knows 4 languages.A few students: Quadlingual.Professor: What do you call someone who knows 1 language.Class: ...Professor: An American.

I want to pinch your cheeks sometimes.

I bet you can smoke better than me.

Professor asks [Student] a questionStudent: I don't know.Professor: You can deny knowing anything better than anyone I know; even politicians.

Professor quoting a person he was training to be a social worker: 'I think its about time you get your breast out of his !#%*)$^ mouth.'

Professor: Growing weed is hard.Student: How do you know?Professor after a long pause: I just read about it.

Professor as his wife: Stop walking around naked!Professor: Alright!Professor as his wife: The babysitter is right there!

Professor as his wife: Are you going out dressed like that?Professor: No. This is the outfit I put on before I put on my real outfit.

You can break kids.

She didn't hit us unfortunately.

I have been here since 2000 and I have never heard something that stupid. [Student's name] is stupider for sitting next to you.

Actually, can I use you, 'cause your pleasuring yourself?

I am Hallmarkcharian. I made it up. If there's a good Hallmark card, I celebrate it.

But does she have a @%* like this. (Professor turns around)

Thank G-d there are laws or I don't know what I will do... I would steal her hat.

If you hit me I'll bleed all over you.

And I'm like, I'm white. I should get white privilege.

Girls will sell guys out in a second.

Slave girl Leia put me through puberty.

Student: Left handed people are smarter.Professor: I never heard that. I heard right handed Italians are smarter.

No, you are not a jack-of-all-trade. You are a jack(&#.

We're going to play find the penis.

You can make fun of my age, but I always know how to spell this. (writes F on the whiteboard)

Do you ever think, 'How does he even have a job.'

Its bad enough my friends have kids who are college age.

Professor: She's an artist, of course she smokes week.Student: I'm an artist and I don't smoke weed that much.Professor: That much!

Tacos when your high is the best... I swear Taco Bell was invented for stoners.

I'm thinking of Wonder Women and [I did not hear] fighting in a pool of jello. Oops, I said that out loud.

Student: Do you want us to do check marks or X's on the test.Professor: I want you to do inverted pentagrams, and make sure you use a #3 red crayon.I drew inverted pentagrams next to my answers for that test.

I'm going to do Jess up here.

How many times have you seen a rat come out of a baby?

They say there are no dumb answers, so I just pointed out one that was (see above).

I like cancer more than I like you.

Professor as a student: How am I suppose to know that?Professor: Well, don't be an idiot.

Professor: I used to have a tattoo on my calf in Chinese ink.Student: What did it say?Professor: It said White Death.

If I walk walking down the road and met a white guy going "Ants. Ants. Ants." I'll be like, "Oh #%*^".

I have called my kids by my dog's name.

She's naked in the shower. Of course she's going to die.

Professor: How did you get past my parental lock!?Professor as his daughter: I guessed 1111.Professor: You little %(&#!

Dude! [Student's name]! My penis is bleeding!

Professor as his wife: I want you to find me attractive.Professor: We're married. Of course I don't find you attractive.

If I offended anyone, I don't care.

I was going to jam lobster claws down her throat.

95% of the students like me and 90% of the faculty hates me.

I love them [his children] more than life, but sometimes I understand why some animals eat their young.

She told my dean, 'He's offensive,' and he's like 'I know.'

If I die today, I'm not going to see Superman vs. Batman, and that would kill me.

The average female will outlive the average male by 6 years. Its 'cause of your nagging.

I had 2 babies! I was walking minutes afterwards! I was eating fine! It didn't hurt to got to the bathroom! (see 3 quotes above)

If you stop breathing, you are having a bad day. Its called you die.

Yeah. I'm the baby. Here I am.

Everything is averages. Just because it does not happen does not mean you are not a freak of nature. Unless you course you are a freak of nature, which some of you qualify for.

I had the same teacher in the 7th grade. My desk was near the waste basket. The teacher crumpled up a paper into a ball and said, 'If I miss this can you put it in for me?' I said, 'Sure.' He then throw the paper ball toward the other side of the room.

"You are not running off with Cow-Skull Man Dracula Skeletor!" -Socrates

rajabeta wrote:there's a rumour in our school that i hv an affair with my biology teacher..i accept that she is so beautiful and i liked her.. but it didn't mean that she also like me. she treated me just as a special student. coz i was inteligent in my class...but affair was not true... whole shchool's student make fun of me and teased me calling with her name...

That really isn't an awesome teacher quote at all...but thanks for sharing!

I also had a high school teacher (for maths and then statistics) who was so funny that I eventually started writing down things he said. Any students of his would immediately recognise who I'm talking about. He's now the principal of the school and I hope he's still imprinting his catchphrases on generations of kids. Some of his favourites:- "Holdy holts" to represent a moment of clarity- "Beast" or "little beastie" to mean calculator. "You take out your trusty beast; you bash in those buttons."- "A trap for young players" for things that can catch you out.- Calling himself a "naughty boy" whenever he made a mistake.- Lots of onomatopoeia and repeating words for emphasis. "Moosh moosh moosh moosh" for putting our heads down and getting on with the work. "Boof", "swoosh", "clunk clunk clunk", "blah blah blah". "Heehawing and yarring and mouthing and blahing". "Waffle waffle, don't understand, waffle waffle, don't understand don't understand".- Made up places in Arizona for anything and everything. Eg. "Doomsville, Arizona" = bad or impossible, "Plugerinsville, Arizona" = algebraic substitution, "Gonesville, Arizona" = something in an equation got cancelled out.

Some of the other funniest ones:

"Even symmetrical graffiti is graffiti."

"Infinity spits on five million."

[referring to the very first question in a particular test or chapter]"1(a): if you don't know how to do it, jump off the side of a tall building."

"I don't care about proving; I'm right."

"Cameron, you're on the greasy pole of oblivion."

"Alex turns maths into a handicap event."

[when handing out textbooks to a pair of kids who weren't getting much work done]"I hate to sacrifice two books to a cesspit of inactivity."

[when a kid distracting the class from working happened to have a broken hand]"You've come in here with your broken hand and it's contagious."

Bloopy wrote:[referring to the very first question in a particular test or chapter]"1(a): if you don't know how to do it, jump off the side of a tall building."

"I don't care about proving; I'm right."

"Cameron, you're on the greasy pole of oblivion."

"Alex turns maths into a handicap event."

[when handing out textbooks to a pair of kids who weren't getting much work done]"I hate to sacrifice two books to a cesspit of inactivity."

[when a kid distracting the class from working happened to have a broken hand]"You've come in here with your broken hand and it's contagious."

Sounds like an absolute bully to me. Sure it's funny to you, and it might be funny to you when he laughs at you as well, if you know you're good and he likes you. But the kid who happens to be having difficulty with this won't be encouraged to do anything and will be just getting stamped on.

It didn't come across very well then. Clown would be more accurate. He did his best to make maths as enjoyable as possible for everyone. He was one of the friendliest teachers. I don't remember the context of the handicap one, but the kid probably fell off his chair or something. He didn't generally pick on kids for being bad at math, only for being troublemakers. He dealt with them in the nicest way he knew when he could've just shouted and sent them out.

Being an average student, I didn't have much good relation with the teachers. But my home tutor handled me and my understanding level in a right way by teaching me in a more practical way. He always use to say this -

"Praise Loudly but Correct Softly!"

An avid reader who loves to travel across beautiful places and cooks in free time.

walks over to the blackboard, draws a square, places his left hand in it and turns to the class with a maniac grin on his face. The noise dies down as people realise he's about to go ballistic.

"This... This is my relaxtion rectangle.

I can put my left hand in it or make tally marks with my right. I really do like marks. So whenever you upset me today, I will put down another tally mark in my nice cozy relaxation rectangle. And once the class is over, we'll talk about their meaning, ok?"

My political studies teacher:

"Nadine, you know - whenever you open your mouth I get this piercing pain in the back of my head. Other people say they have a migraine, I always say I have a Nadine."

My literature professor:

"So it follows that the poetic function of language is a result of the projection of the principle of equivalence from the axis of selection to the axis of combination."

*blank stares from the students*

Professor: "Well, that's what people sound like after years of reading critical theory."

Another professor: "Please do not become a Fachidiot who is unable to change a lightbulb or fix a bike. Just look at me. Do you really want to be like me?"

“Human beings make life so interesting. Do you know, that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to invent boredom.”