My Gametag:typepad.com,2003:weblog-1237880446699824752018-03-19T03:31:09-04:00TypePadWhy patience is what a parent needs mosttag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01bb09fc944a970d2018-03-19T03:31:09-04:002018-03-19T03:31:09-04:00[ 3 min read ] I think parents should be patient. I mean, obviously they may do as they please but I think being impatient as a parent is the path to the dark side. Or, to sound a little less dramatic, impatience will never do good to your relationship...Lukasz Laniecki

[ 3 min read ]

I think parents should be patient. I mean, obviously they may do as they please but I think being impatient as a parent is the path to the dark side. Or, to sound a little less dramatic, impatience will never do good to your relationship with your children.

What do I mean by that?

An impatient parent disowns the child when things get nasty (happened to me unfortunately — both my adoptive parents disowned me exactly 10 years ago). My father died soon after that and my mother cancelled the disownment after we’d buried the hatchet (she never showed me the papers but I don’t care about the papers - I trust that she did and if she didn’t then so be it - at least I won’t be as surprised as I was the first time around).

A patient parent, on the other hand, waits.

Why wait? When you see that your child is a dick disown that bastard. You can do it, after all you’re mr. or mrs. perfect. Why wait then?

Isn’t it obvious that it’s exactly what you should do? The law is on your side. It says that when your child is an asshole you can do it. It’s of course implicit that you as a parent are perfect and never made a single mistake (and that’s the assumption of those who disown other people). Just think how many parents would actually be able to use this extortion mechanism (that’s exactly what it is in most cases in my opinion) and disown their children if the law said the disowning party has to be perfect. If you give someone a tool, make it practical not just hypothetical (the lawmakers did just that).

So by all means, you the parent are entitled to disown your child. And, of course, initially you can use it as a warning, ultimatum in your negotiations with your child, and then show that dick that you ain’t joking (didn’t happen in my case).

Children don’t disown their parents (at least it’s unthinkable to the majority of people), although technically they could too. The law gives them this option (probably a mistake/ omission on part of lawmakers). It is unthinkable as it would be understood as unacceptable power shift in most cultures (it’s the parents who never make mistakes, not the children). Thus, though a possibility, such thought almost never crosses the mind of a young adult, let alone becomes the done deed.

Anyway, a patient parent waits.

But waits for what for heavens sake? If it’s obvious that your child is a dick and you’re mr. or mrs. perfect (and you just know it) why wait?

Because usually people aren’t dicks or little angels for no reason.

Let’s say your child is a dick. It’s a fact beyond any doubt. Even he or she would admit it. Was he or she a dick 5 or 10 or 15 years ago? I doubt it. He or she was a sweet angel, then a sweet little boy or girl, then an adorable preteen, then a little less adorable teen. And then a dick.

So what is he or she actually? Let’s say out of those 20 or 25 years he or she is on this planet, the last 3 years he or she was a dick. Fair enough. Will this unfortunate state last? If in those 20 or 25 years he or she managed to be a sweet angel, a sweet little boy or girl, an adorable preteen, a little less adorable teen and a dick (nothing shy of a chameleon) why the assumption that the state of a dick will be permanent? Couldn’t you be just a little more patient as a parent?

The thing is if you choose to disown that bastard you give up on him or her. He or she is 18, 20, 23 or 25 or 29 (!) and you’ve given up on that person (after just 2 or 3 or 5 years of him or her being a dick according to your assessment). Don’t you see it? Mr. perfect, mrs. perfect, don’t you see it?

The meaning of ‘I love you’tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01bb09fc1fb2970d2018-03-17T01:35:02-04:002018-03-17T01:35:02-04:00[ 2 min read ] Don’t just say I love you. Tell them what it means. When a child says I love you to his / her parent I guess it means one of the following (or a mix): thank you I feel safe with you you give me security...Lukasz Laniecki

[ 2 min read ]

Don’t just say I love you.

Tell them what it means.

When a child says I love you to his / her parent I guess it means one of the following (or a mix):

thank you

I feel safe with you

you give me security

I know you don’t want to hurt me

I know you care about me

I know you didn’t mean to hurt me

I’m happy

I like to be with you (it feels nice)

I like to play with you (it feels nice)

I know I can count on you

I trust you (I know I may trust you)

you showed me that what I say or feel matter to you

you care about my needs

you showed empathy

you tried to undestand

you believe me (even though sometimes I like to make things up)

you didn’t judge me

you accept me

you didn’t try to fix me

you gave me freedom (with boundaries)

you asked me for my opinion

you let me make a choice

you let me explore

you understood that my needs might be different than your needs

you didn’t laugh at my imperfections in order to gain popularity among your friends, family members or acquaintances

you were honest

you hugged me when I needed it

you let me be alone when I needed it

you prepared my favourite meal

you bought me my favorite chewing gum

you spent time with me and you were present

you didn’t play a know-it-all

you were flexible

you stood up for me

you were patient and gave me time to learn certain things.

Of course this is not a comprehensive list.

Even if the child doesn’t understand some of those words I used, that’s the feeling (we don’t need to know the word for it to be able to feel certain way).

And there are similar lists (not the same but variations of it) for every instance when a parent, grandparent, spouse, sibling, romantic partner, etc. says it to their child, grandchild, spouse, sibling, romantic partner, etc. In general when anybody says it to anybody.

And I guess when a child says “I hate you” to his / her parent it means the opposite.

Thus don’t just say I hate you, explain what you mean. When you are a parent ask the child to explain it to you.

We assume that we know what those words mean and we assume that others will know what we mean. Thus we almost never explain.

Huge mistake in my opinion (and why should it be humble?).

Most parents’ biggest hopetag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01bb09f04438970d2018-02-04T15:26:42-05:002018-02-04T15:26:42-05:00[ 2 min read ] Of course you think your adult child does it all wrong. If they’re doing it differently than you did it, how could it be the right way? If what your adult child does was the right way to go about it, what would it mean?...Lukasz Laniecki

[ 2 min read ]

Of course you think your adult child does it all wrong. If they’re doing it differently than you did it, how could it be the right way?

If what your adult child does was the right way to go about it, what would it mean? What would it tell you about your methods and approach?

No wonder most parents tell their adult children who try to do most things their way that they’re doing it all wrong.

Those young adults hear that they raise their children the wrong way (and that’s also why their children don’t behave the way they should), or that they approach life the wrong way, or that they think about their careers the wrong way.

They like to tell those young adults that one day they will realize how wrong they (the young adults) were, and how right they (the experienced adults) are. It’s a classic message a parent who isn’t willing to accept the different methods, approaches or life philosophies sends to those young adults.

They can’t imagine themselves being wrong, so they paint that picture how those young adults will eventually come to them and say “We’re sorry we didn’t listen to you. Now we finally understand how big of a mistake we made by refusing to listen. We regret not having done it your way.”

It’s their biggest hope (a dream scenario) — to learn at last that they were right all along and that those who dared to question their methods and life philosophy by being different regret it.

It’s a wishful thinking on their part.

A possibility that both the previous and the next generation could be right (having two different ideas for life / life philosophies/ approaches) usually isn’t something they factor in. The possibility that someone could succeed by doing everything “wrong” scares the hell out of them. It would suggest that they might also have done something differently (potentially achieving better results).

They prefer to believe that they could only have done it the way they actually did it, and that nobody can come up with a better method/ plan/ philosophy. That’s the most convenient narrative. It allows everybody to blindly mimic others (let inertia win) and still feel good about themselves. It’s the easy way out.

Babying adult people is a huge mistake (and the root cause of many problems)tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01b7c949d82a970b2018-01-27T15:24:55-05:002018-01-27T15:24:55-05:00[ 2 min read ] Do members of other species win food for and obsess about the wellbeing and happiness of their adult offspring? No. There is this period of babying the offspring (when they’re babies) - licking them, letting them suck mother’s milk (in mammals), warding off dangers, bringing...Lukasz Laniecki

[ 2 min read ]

Do members of other species win food for and obsess about the wellbeing and happiness of their adult offspring?

No. There is this period of babying the offspring (when they’re babies) - licking them, letting them suck mother’s milk (in mammals), warding off dangers, bringing them food, showing them how to do basic stuff, etc.

And then the babying stops. All adults know when it should stop and they stop. Their offspring had enough time to grow, gain strength, learn basic stuff (hunting, winning food). Now they will need to take care of themselves. Dangers, competition, natural enemies, fights, injuries, elements, hardships, all of it awaits them. Clearly, there is no escaping those things.

And guess what! We’re part of that animal kingdom. But, we’re unlike any other species. We have our brains. We’re smarter. And it seems we managed to figure out a better method.

We continue to baby adult offspring.

Most parents make this classic mistake of assuming that it will be on them to financially support their children for the rest of their (the parents’) lives should their children fail miserably (having refused to follow the script / take their parents’ suggestion to build their career the conventional way).

Huge mistake!

Who said that it will be on them? They (parents) told this bullshit themselves. They invented this narrative which now forces them to avoid this scenario at all cost, and they don’t see how they should leave their adult (!) offspring to their own devices and let them take over.

No, they need to be Batmans who will save f*cking Gotham from a tragedy. That’s not necessary.

Most parents will hate me for this! I would hate myself too if I had the same belief they have.tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01b8d2cd359a970c2018-01-06T11:51:16-05:002018-01-06T11:51:16-05:00[ 3 min read ] Why is it that almost all parents want their children to enter “practical” professions? Because they’re selfish and care more (or only) about their own needs being satisfied, rather than their children’s needs being satisfied. They want a peace of mind, have something to brag...Lukasz Laniecki

[ 3 min read ]

Why is it that almost all parents want their children to enter “practical” professions?

Because they’re selfish and care more (or only) about their own needs being satisfied, rather than their children’s needs being satisfied.

They want a peace of mind, have something to brag about, they don’t want the embarrassment, they care about the good name of their families, they care about what other people will say about them as parents, etc., because they make this classic mistake of assuming that how their children will fare in their lives says a lot about them and their parenting, or even about the entire family, and they fear that if their children will have no successes in the conventional sense they will be judged by people and that people will conclude that they sucked as parents.

They want to live and then die knowing that their children are safe (have stability, money, etc.). What’s wrong with wanting their children to be safe (have stability, money, etc.), in other words wanting the best for their children? At first glance, nothing is wrong with that (all parents think it’s a noble goal). They love their children and want the best for them. How could there be something wrong with that? But there is a catch. Who should define what ‘best’ is? Parents? Why? Why parents? Why not the child? It’s their child’s (by now adult child’s) life.

They want this and they want that. They, they, they. The best part? Almost no parents in this world realize how much it is about them. They use all those clichés about parental love, wanting the best for their children. How about wanting the best for themselves? Don’t they (the parents) want the best for themselves? Of course they want the best for themselves (the peace of mind, the success stories to share, etc.) and those needs usually and unfortunately go first. They’ve bought into a ludicrous idea of happiness in life and now they feel entitled to have a say in their adult! children’s lives.

And because they’re narrow minded and assume that only things which are tried and true can bring success.

And because they erroneously assume that the fact that they don’t know anybody who made money doing this thing means their children will fail. Which is absurd if you think about it! It only means that they don’t know anybody who made money doing this thing. Period. They know very little about the future (they only assume they know a lot), they can’t say with certainty what will happen if their children will choose a different path (that it will be a disaster, etc.). And if they claim that they can, if they are prophets (so freaking good at predicting what will happen) why don’t they tell those young people how to win the lottery? They know for sure that the path of an artist is a poor choice for people, so they should also be able to say what the winning numbers will be.

And because they erroneously assume that their children should be “successful” (attain this conventional success) right from the get go, and only a “practical”, well paying, prestigious career can guarantee this. That struggle is bad. That their role is to make sure their children will end up having a “practical” career.

And because they make this classic mistake of assuming that it will be on them to financially support their children for the rest of their (the parents’) lives. This is bullshit! Who said that it will be on them? They (parents) told this bullshit themselves. They invented this narrative which now forces them to avoid this scenario at all costs, and they don’t see how they should leave their adult! children to their own devices and let them take over. No, they need to be Batmans who will save f*cking Gotham from a tragedy. This is so pathetic.

Wake up, parents!

David’s letter to momtag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01b8d2c81f7a970c2017-12-17T16:20:07-05:002017-12-17T16:20:07-05:00[ 3 min read ] [This is a letter David Wojnarowicz wrote to his mother Dolores on November 1, 1989. From the book In the Shadow of the American Dream: The Diaries of David Wojnarowicz] Dear Dolores, Thanks for your letter. I was glad to hear that you’re getting close...Lukasz Laniecki

I was glad to hear that you’re getting close to receiving a teaching license.

I wish you luck on that as I imagine that it represents a big change in life direction and security.

It does sound intense to be working in the city school system.

The school system wasn’t any great shakes when I was a kid so I can imagine how much worse it’s gotten.

The whole city is at this point a slow dying city; I doubt the next elections will change its direction very much.

I don’t trust Dinkins any more than Giuliani.

Both treat drug addiction problems with the same stupid proposals: more cops.

The street I live on is one of the many drug alleys in NYC and it’s been like this for two years and cops coast by here all the time and once in a while arrest some junkie too sick to run fast enough.

Waiting time for treatment programs is at the minimum nine months.

People sleep in tents in the local park and now I hear they want to throw people out of the subways in winter.

I’ve been going through a lot of personal problems for a couple years now and am not sure how any of it can be resolved.

I’m pretty tired at times and stopped therapy for a few months but may continue sometime soon.

I’ve been involved in a lot of projects related to art and video.

I am dealing with health issues in both friends and in myself.

I was diagnosed with ARC recently and have been trying to find a treatment I can physically deal with—AZT was too toxic for me to handle so I’m looking into some experimental drug trials.

I have been wrestling with the psychological aspects of this as well as some of the social problems.

Sometimes I get involved with groups fighting city and government policies towards people with AIDS.

I also have a great deal of anger I am carrying towards events in my life, in my past as well as what I see around me now.

A fair amount of this anger comes with the territory of facing some measure of mortality.

I find it hard to tell you about all this because I have been pretty isolated for the last few years; I’m rarely that social and even with the diagnosis of having this disease [sic] I feel it necessary to be by myself most of the time.

I’m trying to resolve some of my own feelings of self-hatred that I carried from the early days of New Jersey and from some things in New York.

It just gets so complicated in terms of what is buried and what I come across in therapy.

Mom, I have a lot of mixed feelings towards my relationship with you.

I am caught between the understanding of what problems you carried from your experiences with your family and with [?] and also with dealing with three kids, and the experiences of what I carried as a kid.

There is no immediate answer for any of those things; I just have so much buried inside me that is scary to touch and at the same time I am trying to reach it when I am in therapy.

I don’t feel very healthy mentally although given what my life has been I am doing okay.

I’ve hesitated telling you about this diagnosis because I need privacy and distance right now.

I’m not sure when I will feel ready to get together with you because it feels so loaded with things I haven’t been able to resolve.

I do think of you and always hope for the best for your life and whatever things you are trying to do.

I appreciate your words in the letter and wish your parents were able to write the same things to you.

I have found that even with these issues of mortality that I am facing that things aren’t all that different.

Maybe I appreciate things more on a certain level but I still have the same problems I have always had.

There is just a little more pressure.

Sometimes I feel scared and then because my health has been steady for a while I pretend that things are okay in a certain way so I can continue moving.

A plea to my son's elementary school teachers (how not to suck as a teacher)tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01bb09df0d19970d2017-12-11T04:20:10-05:002017-12-11T04:20:10-05:00[ 3 min read ] Telling children that their parents and teachers know everything best and that it’s the reason children should listen, is, of course, a very convenient strategy. It is also a tried and true strategy. It’s what teachers and parents have been telling children for years. It’s...Lukasz Laniecki

[ 3 min read ]

Telling children that their parents and teachers know everything best and that it’s the reason children should listen, is, of course, a very convenient strategy. It is also a tried and true strategy. It’s what teachers and parents have been telling children for years.

It’s the easy way. It makes teachers and parents comfortable. Should the children buy into it the job of both teachers and parents will become much easier. They will be able to exert their power and they will not need to worry that the children will want to cause "trouble". They will know exactly who the boss is and what they’re supposed to do, what is their place in the pecking order. They will learn how to be perfect cogs in a machine.

Just take everything we say at face value and don't “talk back”. Don’t try to be smarter than we are, or else you will be punished for not behaving according to our expectations.

Right now your place is in the back, in the rear seat. We adults, on the other hand, belong in the front.

What takes awareness, courage and leadership is saying to the child the following:

“Look, that’s what I’ve been taught and what I know about the world, but that doesn’t mean I have all the right answers. I don’t. I am supposed to teach you, but that doesn’t mean everything I say, and everything those textbooks say is right. This is what I know. You can challenge that. You should challenge that. At least you should learn the habit of asking difficult questions, questions that undermine the current state of our knowledge about the world. Because that’s the only way we can move forward, improve, make a progress.

If you believe everything I and those books tell you, there will be no progress. If you believe we adults have it all sorted out our progress will be stalled. We will not be able to move forward. We will stay where we are.

Sure there are things which are always true, like for example that people reproduce through mating, not by pollination. No matter how hard you will think about it you will not be able to come to a different conclusion. But there are many things which are not absolutes and it is through questions that we can improve.

Most of what we teach you is our invention, we invent certain definitions and concepts so that we can navigate in this world easier (the way we measure time, length, other things - our invention, the four cardinal directions north, east, south, west - our invention, the way most people work, office hours, weekends - our invention, retirement - our invention, and so on). It means that other species don’t have those things, which means that beyond our perception of the world they don’t exist (other species know nothing about those things). Which means those things can still be changed, improved upon. We can invent better methods of doing stuff, better definitions, better systems and agree that we will apply them instead of the old stuff. A new deal is still possible."

That’s the kind of a teacher I wish our children had. My son will hear that anyway, from me. I don’t need to worry about him and what the school system will do to his brain. I’m worried about other kids, those whose parents are thankful that the teachers show their children where their place in the pecking order is and who only care about good grades (good grades are a reason to brag - they’re such a good invention, aren’t they?).

It’s not easy to be this other kind of teacher. It definitely isn't comfortable for teachers and parents.

It will cause “trouble”. It deprives teachers and parents of their assumed aura of being in the know (always right).

It forces teacher and parents to search for new answers and forget the tried and true answers that are aimed at making the job of teachers and parents easier - like “Because I say so.”, “Because it's in the book.”, “Because we know better.” “Because we’ve been in this world longer than you.”, "Because we are older than you”, and crap of that nature.

It means telling children exactly how the world works and demanding that they repeat after them will no longer work with those children.

It means you will need new methods of working with those kids, which, of course, will require stepping out of your comfort zone.

But think about it - you will no longer suck as a teacher!

All this time we’ve been wrong about this. The lack of support from our family is almost never the problem.tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01bb09dabdf3970d2017-11-27T04:45:09-05:002017-11-27T04:45:09-05:00[ 3 min read ] Frank Williams’s wife Virginia was always very supportive of him and his passion for motor racing (Frank Williams is the legendary founder of British Formula 1 team currently racing in Formula 1 as Williams Martini Racing). Her family members describe the first ten years of...Lukasz Laniecki

[ 3 min read ]

Frank Williams’s wife Virginia was always very supportive of him and his passion for motor racing (Frank Williams is the legendary founder of British Formula 1 team currently racing in Formula 1 as Williams Martini Racing).

Her family members describe the first ten years of their relationship (her life with Frank Williams) as penury. She’d sold her flat (which her parents bought for her) to help Frank by giving him some money when he was constantly in debt which then grew to be massive. Clearly, the money from the sale of her flat wasn’t the answer to all financial needs of her husband’s venture. And the situation lasted not one month, not three months, not one year. Ten years!

Did she know for sure that the situation will one day improve to the point that Frank Williams will be able to make millions from his passion? Of course she couldn’t have known this back then. No one could. Even Frank Williams couldn’t have known how it will all play out in the future. But she believed in him 100% and gave him her full support which is very unusual. It takes long term thinking, unshaken belief in the other person, massive patience and lack of entitlement.

Not many people (spouses) in this world have this mix and are willing to endure such hardships living with the other person. Most file for divorce when they see that they’re the sole breadwinners in the family (their parents being on their side and telling them that it’s unfair and that they shouldn’t let the other person use them like that).

What Virginia Williams did for his husband is the very definition of ‘support’.

Do young people expect those things from their parents? Most young adults don’t expect those things from their parents and other family members. They’re not lunatics and they understand that it would be ridiculous to expect that their parents should do such things for them.

It’s thus not the lack of support from our parents (other family members) that creates this huge challenge for so many of us.

In most cases we don’t expect that they should become our investors (back our idea up with their money),

or our biggest fans (we don’t need them to subscribe to our channels, follow us on social media, sign up for our blogs, comment on our stuff, etc.),

or our business partners (we don’t expect that they should do part of the job, assume the responsibility for part of the business),

or our customers (we don’t expect that they’ll buy our products),

or our mentors (we don’t expect that they should mentor us)

or our motivational speakers (we don’t expect that they should deliver pep talks),

or our assistants (we don’t expect that they should manage our daily schedules, field phone calls, ward off people we don’t want to deal with, etc.),

or our helpers (we don’t expect that they will drop whatever they do in their lives and volunteer to provide help to our cause),

or that they will become like the Superman and come to our rescue whenever the going gets tough (we encounter problems, challenges, roadblocks).

So it’s not support that most of us crave from our parents. Support is everything I listed above.

We only want (and expect from them) that they will leave us alone and let us do our things. That they will let us live our lives the way we want (instead of needing to do what we’re told and mimic them) and that they will not interfere and try all the dirty tricks in the menu in order to convince us that what we do is bullshit or our dream is stupid or unrealistic and that only their life philosophy, their ideas, their life choices, their career building model (basically everything they believe and everything they did in their lives) are the only right things to do in life (the only right path) and that no matter how hard we try we will not come up with anything wiser, smarter, better (or even just as wise, smart, good).

But most parents have problem even with that. They can’t just shut up and watch. They want us to validate everything they believe in (the things they view as truths about life) and everything they did in their lives (their life choices). They need it bad from us because they don’t want to find out that there were viable alternatives. They want to stay in their bubble and still be able to believe that the world is just the way it is for them.

Complaining that you don’t get today’s world is a yet another form of entitlement.tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01bb09d69710970d2017-11-13T04:48:19-05:002017-11-13T10:28:05-05:00[ 4 min read ] Something my father-in-law said this weekend when we were visiting them got me thinking about generations. Again. He said I understand this world no more. I wouldn’t do it. Of course he was referring to something someone from a younger generation did (other family member)....Lukasz Laniecki

[ 4 min read ]

Something my father-in-law said this weekend when we were visiting them got me thinking about generations. Again.

He said I understand this world no more. I wouldn’t do it.

Of course he was referring to something someone from a younger generation did (other family member).

It is the same sentiment I hear from a lot of older (or old) people. The wording may vary but it’s the same thing.

My mom for example says I’m not suitable for this world anymore or This world isn’t for me anymore.

Other variations include the following sentences.

I’m glad I’m already old and will soon die. This is a crazy world we live in now.

The thing is each generation is romantic about their own times (the times when they were 20-somethings, starting out as young adults) and they believe that every new generation should validate their life philosophy, values and ways of doing things, etc.

They believe everything should stop evolving.

Parents often complain that they don’t understand their children. That the new generation is different.

They rejoice when they see some young adult who is just like them.

They wish every young adult understood them. They wish everything stayed the same and everybody was on the same page.

They complain that the new generation is screwed.

They compare today to yesterday. They wish many things didn’t happen. Internet, social media, screens everywhere, ubiquitous WiFi. They get angry about the new technology/ about the speed at which technology and everything around them moves nowadays.

They wish the old social norms still applied.

For example, we are very quick to conclude that younger generations suck in the workplace because they’re not doing all things the way we do/did them.

But why should they?

Are our methods/ philosophies/ lifestyles the best in the whole universe?

Of course, not! But we often assume that because we used this formula it is the best. Like the fact that we used it should automatically make it the best in the world and thus we tend to believe that no one will ever come up with anything better. That it’s impossible to come up with anything better.

They don’t get it. OMG! Something must be wrong with today’s world/ job market/ generation! they cry.

What they don’t realize is that nothing’s wrong with today’s world/ job market/ generation. Nothing. Zero. Wrong is their expectation that outdated models/ career advice will hold true in a different world.

People wish that outdated models still applied, because they so got used to them. People usually don’t feel like adjusting to the new reality of the ever-changing world. That’s why they end up feeling entitled to live in the world they know well and already got used to (their comfort zone).

They are romantic about their way of living their lives, and they can’t even imagine someone (let alone their own child) could not want the same great formula.

They think that by questioning their values, approach, way, you also tell them that their values, approach, way suck shit and that you are better, smarter.

They take it personally.

They obsess about their formula for life being validated by all members of the family.

Just think about it. If someone else doesn't want this formula, is this formula flawed? Was their way wrong? Are they wrong, or are those who try a different formula wrong? Someone must be wrong.

They are so convinced that they mastered life and that they hold the best formula, that they feel entitled to tell you what to do. And they feel sad that you don’t understand how important it is that you use their formula.

They prefer to stay in their comfort zones. Attached to their old beliefs. Being romantic about their generation. Believing that they mastered life.

Every generation thinks of itself as the generation that did everything right, the generation that next generations should admire, glorify and be forever grateful that such awesome people walked this earth.

Everything was better/ everyone had better values. That’s of course, nothing but a wishful thinking. They see themselves as such. Does it mean that it is true? Of course not. They didn’t even give those young people a chance.

“What’s wrong with the young generation?” is a question we ask out of fear.

We ask it because we’re afraid that actually something might be wrong with our generation.

Why the hell would the new generation reject our values?

Why the hell would the new generation reject our notion of happiness and success?

Why the hell would the new generation reject our lifestyle?

We don’t like to be rejected!

And so we cry “Hey you, from the new generation! Don’t reject us! We’re not that bad. Our values were not bad. Our lifestyle was not bad. And we offered all of it to you on a silver platter and what? You rejected it, you bunch of ungrateful suckers!”

Yearning for the good old days, complaining that you don’t get today’s world is a yet another form of entitlement. People who say I understand this world no more or repeat other clichés which reveal their need for the world to stop are entitled and entitlement is never a good thing.

When you are entitled you will suffer a lot, because in general your wishing that the world was different won’t make it different. And by believing that the world shouldn’t have changed you become bitter and feel like bitching about the world (and that’s precisely what most of us end up doing — we bitch about the world because it is not the way we wish it was).

And it’s a losing formula, because just as the weather doesn’t give a f*ck what we want, neither does the world around us.

Life after collegetag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01bb09d41a13970d2017-11-05T13:55:25-05:002017-11-05T13:55:25-05:00[ 2 min read ] Most people assume that certain things should happen after graduation. Like an impressive job, job in their field, pursuing of a profession/ academic career (further studies, diplomas, certifications). Or passion (a startup, doing what you love). Those are the next logical steps for them. Should...Lukasz Laniecki

[ 2 min read ]

Most people assume that certain things should happen after graduation.

Like an impressive job, job in their field, pursuing of a profession/ academic career (further studies, diplomas, certifications). Or passion (a startup, doing what you love). Those are the next logical steps for them.

Should none of it happen they think there is something wrong. Like other things shouldn’t occur.

Like what?

Like life. The other part of life. Feeling lost, having dilemmas, asking fundamental questions, making difficult choices, not having a clue, backing off from what they initially said or did (changing their minds), having internal battles, going through difficulty, struggling, having no passion.

Like those things indicate that something’s wrong.

It's all fine. It’s all part of life.

Don’t lose your shit!

This is not something we should worry about. But we've been brainwashed by the society that it isn't normal. That it's bad. That something is wrong when we haven’t figured it out yet in our early 20s.

But there is a problem - our parents can’t stomach being uncertain. And most young adults want to offer them a peace of mind as soon as possible.

If you can’t be ‘selfish’ you won’t be able to live your life the way you want.tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01b7c92e95f1970b2017-10-29T06:19:08-04:002017-10-29T06:19:08-04:00[ 2 min read ] We associate the word ‘selfish’ with something fundamentally bad. When you are called selfish by people it means you only think about yourself and you couldn’t care less about others. It’s another word for an ‘asshole’. When we grow up we learn that there are...Lukasz Laniecki

[ 2 min read ]

We associate the word ‘selfish’ with something fundamentally bad. When you are called selfish by people it means you only think about yourself and you couldn’t care less about others. It’s another word for an ‘asshole’.

When we grow up we learn that there are good and bad human characteristics, and being selfish is one of the worst human characteristics one can have. We are told that people who are selfish are disliked by other people, always lose in the long run or, if that’s turns out not to be the case, that they will pay for their selfishness after their death.

We all learn those lessons from our parents, teachers, members of our families and yet nobody ever talks with us about those shitty human characteristics. It’s like a taboo. Nobody wants to dig deeper, because being selfish is bad, period.

I beg to differ. In a world where we all have our needs and interests we need to learn how to protect our own needs and interests and if we rejected the idea of being selfish (because it’s such a dirty word) then we don’t stand a chance when other people start to impose certain things on us because they want their interests satisfied. We need to know when being selfish actually pays off and when it is not a bad thing.

The best example - parents telling their children that they need to pick a “practical” career. They want the child in this “practical” career so that they can give themselves a pat on their backs and say We did our best!/ We did a great job!, so that they can enjoy a peace of mind, so that they have a reason to brag among other parents (or at family gatherings) and don’t feel uncomfortable when others share their success stories. That’s why they need it for themselves. And they probably don’t even realize how much of it is about their needs. Of course they’re not bad parents. Of course they care. Of course they want only the best for the child.

But have they ever factored in that the child might not want all those guarantees or that a secure and well paying job might not be something the child wants for herself / himself? Most parents never thought about it this way. They assume that the child wants the same shit they want.

“Crazy” people vs. people pleaserstag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01b8d2b6eba8970c2017-10-22T02:42:16-04:002017-10-22T02:42:16-04:00[ 1 min read ] “Crazy” people are called crazy by the public opinion (are crazy in the eyes of the majority) because they dare to defy convention, break the established rules and do things differently than anyone else. The majority, on the other hand, got used to a certain...Lukasz Laniecki

[ 1 min read ]

“Crazy” people are called crazy by the public opinion (are crazy in the eyes of the majority) because they dare to defy convention, break the established rules and do things differently than anyone else.

The majority, on the other hand, got used to a certain pattern of behavior, accepted it as a rule, and believes that complying with conventions (upholding the traditions) is the way to go. It’s like they don’t want to break those rules or break up with certain traditions, or defy those conventions, because they worry that prior generations might get upset, that failing to validate their ideas, life philosophy and traditions (conventional ways of doing things) will mean they (the new generation) don’t respect the older generations. Hence inertia wins.

Most people don’t think of themselves as people pleasers but that’s precisely what they are. Their behavior proves it. They do most things the way it has always been done (of course not always - for most people ‘always’ means for as long as they can remember) and their thinking is usually conventional.

Why?

Because

A/ that’s their comfort zone (that’s what they know very well),

B/ they don’t want to upset their families (prior generations) - it’s their way of maintaining good relationships, and

C/ that’s what the majority of people do (so it’s probably the right thing to do - social proof).

A Yet Another Reason I As A Parent Love Blogging/ Keeping A Journaltag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01b8d2a4959f970c2017-08-28T04:23:12-04:002017-08-28T04:23:12-04:00[ 5 min read ] I didn't start blogging about parenting, career and life in general for my son. I started it for myself and then realized that what I say in those blog posts (and what I currently write in my diary - My Author Journey) speaks to people....Lukasz Laniecki

[ 5 min read ]

I didn't start blogging about parenting, career and life in general for my son. I started it for myself and then realized that what I say in those blog posts (and what I currently write in my diary - My Author Journey) speaks to people. Not to all of course. It speaks the most to young people in their late teenage and early 20s.

Then I realized that my ten-year old son could benefit from what his father has to say about life.

I never said or even thought that I know everything. I know I am far from that and that’s something I love about our being in this world.

We will never know everything about the universe and about life (we will never even come close). We will never know in advance what else is possible. We need to constantly test the boundaries of possibility to know what is possible for us and still we will only know what is possible / impossible for us right now. We will still have no idea what could be possible in the future with the help of new technology.

Can you imagine how f*cking boring life would be if we knew everything? Nothing in this world could ever surprise us, there would be nothing we could explore (what would be the point of exploring something we already know), nothing new to discover. What would we need imagination for? There would be nothing more to imagine. Everything would be already there, and since we would know everything it would mean we could accurately foresee future events and evolution of the world and us.

What I like about my writing is that I can undermine current (so called tried and true) rules about life (parenting, career, love, family, etc.). And my take, so much of it is just bullshit we soak up from the culture we grow up and then live in. We stick to tried and true methods of raising our kids, tried and true methods of career building, tried and true notions of family, happiness, good life, etc.

Usually we accept the definitions someone else came up with in the past (we take them at face value) and tend to validate the way things were in the past (in the grand scheme of things - I’m not talking about the changes in our behavior that are forced by the development of technology).

As young adults (in our teenage years / 20s and 30s) we worry what our parents will say to our different lifestyle or beliefs. We are worried because we believe that by not respecting what’s tried and true for our people we will be guilty of upsetting them.

More often than not we tip toe and hide the truth about ourselves. Why? Because we worry that the truth might upset or hurt the people who are so close to our hearts. And we’re told that they love us more than anything in this world. And we almost never ask ourselves what the heck the meaning of this love is. Shouldn’t we not have those worries? And we’re being told those clichés how parents are the only people in this world who love us unconditionally.

No wonder young people have it so hard. Actually we adults have no idea how hard it must be for them to live like that. We assume we have real worries because we’re adults. And again that’s something they’ll hear from us.

And should they piss us off by disobeying us and failing to follow the script / doing as they’re told we will tell them What can you know about life?! You’re such a rookie!

We think that it’s not how good children and people behave (often fearful of God and the rules of our culture / religion). We fear that we will be punished one way or another. For being different. For choosing differently. For failing to live our lives according to this f*cking tried and true script. For letting our families down this way. For becoming black sheep of our families or whole communities. For failing to uphold the same old values which are also taken at face value and never questioned. For failing to validate what prior generations of people from our tribe did.

As young adults we are being warned that should we fail to do as we’re told, be like everybody else, especially our parents (meaning should we fail to show respect) our parents will no longer support us, stop talking to us, or even that we will be disowned by them. In other words we receive a warning Either you do as we say (adjust), or you’ll be out. And most of us chooses to adjust because we don’t want to be labelled ‘bad children / people’ and become a black sheep of the family. We want to avoid problems and feeling guilty. The guilt tripping works magic, especially when we’re exposed to this crap on a constant basis!

Then we have our own children who then become teenagers, we focus on them (forget about our needs - because that’s what we’re supposed to do according to another standard of behavior) and the cycle repeats itself.

I’m glad I started blogging. After pondering most of those rules imposed by our culture (many of which are just bullshit rules) I’m almost sure that my son will never have those worries many of his peers will have in their late teenage years, otherwise able, smart and free young adults who will become hostages / slaves to a certain way of thinking about the world because they will choose to protect their parents’ and whole families’ peace of mind this way.

And maybe one day my writing will help my son overcome other obstacles in his life, open his eyes (or open them sooner) to things he might otherwise overlook.

Why some parents can’t stomach their child’s success?tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01bb09b91467970d2017-08-15T03:28:49-04:002017-08-15T03:30:39-04:00[ 2 min read ] Most people don’t like to admit that they’re weak, have dumb beliefs or don’t have the guts to change their lives. If all their lives they told their children that life sucks in general and that for people like them there is no hope, and...Lukasz Laniecki

[ 2 min read ]

Most people don’t like to admit that they’re weak, have dumb beliefs or don’t have the guts to change their lives.

If all their lives they told their children that life sucks in general and that for people like them there is no hope, and their children will succeed (prove them wrong), if the child will be able to do things which the parents viewed as impossible (because this was their belief) the parents might start feeling bad about their child’s success.

Not because they don’t want it for the child, but because they’ve just learned that their life philosophy was in fact a piece of shit. Someone else sold them on this crap (they soaked it up living with their families or friends) and up until recently they were convinced that their fate was to have this shitty life or that only people with special genes or in which veins runs a different kind of blood, or who were “lucky enough” to have been born in a different place or time, or who won the parent lottery were able to succeed in this world or realize their dreams or find and follow their passions.

I mean, who would want to learn after 20 or 30 years that it wasn’t the case. That in fact a different life could have been possible, but they screwed it all up by believing that it’s not their destiny, or some other bullshit story someone told them (like some religious dogma which made them believe that suffering is their destiny). They screwed it up because they believed the subscribed to the wrong life philosophy.

They wish everything stayed as it used to be, when they believed those bullshit stories and there was nobody in their lives who dared to question those.

That they can’t quit that job they hate.

That they have all those bills to pay.

That they can’t find the time.

That they didn’t have a choice.

Their child’s success that is way beyond what they thought was ever possible (possible without them or in spite of them).

It’s too much for them. It’s like in this saying First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

When they see this success (and it doesn’t have to be this conventional success with money, trophies etc. — it can also be that the child was able to find passion and is happy living his / her life unlike any of his / her high school peers or his / her parents’ daughters or sons) they start to realize that this inexperienced person (this rookie!) beat them (the experienced adults who know, or thought they knew, what life is all about). She / he won. And they won’t take it lightly.

They realize that they should be mad at themselves as they are the ones who screwed it up but they prefer to get at the child and probably even blame him or her for not being able to live their lives the way they wanted.

They Don’t Need To Know The Pathtag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01b7c9154488970b2017-08-13T05:02:32-04:002017-08-13T05:02:32-04:00[ 2 min read ] Last scene from the movie The Truman Show: CHRISTOF (to Truman): You can leave if you want. I won’t try to stop you. But you won’t survive out there. You don’t know what to do, where to go. Christof is like most parents in this...Lukasz Laniecki

[ 2 min read ]

Last scene from the movie The Truman Show:

CHRISTOF (to Truman): You can leave if you want. I won’t try to stop you. But you won’t survive out there. You don’t know what to do, where to go.

Christof is like most parents in this world.

He’s come to believe some bullshit superhero story about himself. He thinks he is Batman and Truman is Gotham City.

Gotham depends on Batman for its survival. It is helpless without him. Won’t survive. In other words Batman is Gotham’s only hope.

He thinks (erroneously!) that Truman will not survive in this world without him. That he needs to tell him what to do, where to go, because otherwise Truman might get lost and if that happens he’ll be doomed.

Like most parents he wants Truman to retrace his steps cause it’s safer that way.

CHRISTOF: in my world you have nothing to fear.

The unknown always scares us. Things that are familiar to us, on the other hand, don’t — they became our comfort zone and we feel good knowing what we can expect. We feel at ease knowing what our lives will be like.

Risky moves, surprises, untested new approaches, better steer clear of that shit. The path they’re suggesting to their children has been tried by them and most of their peers and they can walk them through life safely.

Meaning, nothing will ever surprise them, they won’t discover anything new, they will repeat old patterns of behavior and never even ponder doing anything differently.

They’ll follow the same script and have similar results. They’ll develop the same anxieties, insecurities and fears. Then they’ll pass this crap down to their own children.

People who follow the script and never get lost (like really lost), never find anything new.

‘I Know You Better Than You Know Yourself’ Is One Of The Dumbest Clichés Evertag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01bb09b74b2e970d2017-08-09T05:55:50-04:002017-08-09T05:56:41-04:00[ 1 min read ] Last scene from the movie The Truman Show: CHRISTOF: You can leave if you want. I won’t try to stop you. But you won’t survive out there. You don’t know what to do, where to go. A wave of doubt washes over Truman’s face. TRUMAN...Lukasz Laniecki

[ 1 min read ]

Last scene from the movie The Truman Show:

CHRISTOF: You can leave if you want. I won’t try to stop you. But you won’t survive out there. You don’t know what to do, where to go.

A wave of doubt washes over Truman’s face.

TRUMAN (referring to the photo of his love Silvia, the only real thing in his life whom Christof removed from the show crew): I have a map.

CHRISTOF: Truman, I’ve watched you your whole life. I saw you take your first step, your first word, your first kiss. I know you better than you know yourself. You’re not going to walk out that door.

TRUMAN: You never had a camera in my head.

By walking out that door Truman proved to Christof that he was wrong. That he only assumed (based on what he believed to be true) that he knew Truman better than Truman knew himself. In reality he didn’t know him better.

Watching someone grow up for so many years, seeing that first step, hearing that first word, is not tantamount to knowing this person better than he / she knows himself / herself.

A parent will never be able to know his / her child better than he / she is able to know himself / herself. It’s impossible.

Stop repeating those dumb clichés! You never had a camera in his / her head.

The Art Of Killing Dreamstag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01bb09b65895970d2017-08-06T10:21:31-04:002017-08-06T10:21:31-04:00[ 3 min read ] Last scene from the movie The Truman Show: TRUMAN: Who are you? CHRISTOF: I’m the creator. Truman looks up to the “heavens”. TRUMAN: The creator of what? CHRISTOF: A show — that gives hope and joy and inspiration to millions. TRUMAN (incredulous): A show. Then who am...Lukasz Laniecki

[ 3 min read ]

Last scene from the movie The Truman Show:

TRUMAN: Who are you?

CHRISTOF: I’m the creator.

Truman looks up to the “heavens”.

TRUMAN: The creator of what?

CHRISTOF: A show — that gives hope and joy and inspiration to millions.

TRUMAN (incredulous): A show. Then who am I?

CHRISTOF: You’re the star.

Truman struggles to take it all in.

TRUMAN: Nothing was real.

CHRISTOF: You were real. That’s what made you so good to watch.

CHRISTOF: You can leave if you want. I won’t try to stop you. But you won’t survive out there. You don’t know what to do, where to go.

A wave of doubt washes over Truman’s face.

TRUMAN (referring to the photo of his love Silvia, the only real thing in his life whom Christof removed from the show crew): I have a map.

CHRISTOF: Truman, I’ve watched you your whole life. I saw you take your first step, your first word, your first kiss. I know you better than you know yourself. You’re not going to walk out that door.

TRUMAN: You never had a camera in my head.

CHRISTOF: Truman, there’s no more truth out there than in the world I created for you — the same lies and deceit. But in my world you have nothing to fear.

Earlier in the movie Christof is talking to an interviewer who quizzes him about the show.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you feel that Truman’s never come close to discovering the true nature of his world?

CHRISTOF: We accept the reality of the world with which we’re presented. As the show expanded, naturally we were forced to manufacture ways to keep Truman in Seahaven — demonstrating that every venture is accompanied by a risk.

We might think that Truman’s story was exceptional. Sure, it was exceptional in that from his birth and for the next 30 years he has been held captive and was a star of a popular show without even knowing about it.

But then again, this story is not that different from how millions of people around the world parent their children. They present them with a certain reality and demand that they accept it. They call ‘real’ the things that have been part of their world so far and try to protect their children from everything that is new and thus risky.

By providing them with their map, which according to them is the only way they can be sure that the children won’t get lost, they deprive them of the possibility of exploring the world and coming up with new definitions or solutions.

In other words, their children are being deprived of the possibility of creating their own realities.

It was easier in the old times (And why we should be grateful we have the Internet nowadays)tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a01bb09358d5e970d01b7c9123f42970b2017-08-03T14:15:28-04:002017-08-03T14:15:28-04:00[ 1 min read ] It was easier to stay calm in the old times when there was no Internet and when young people weren’t bombarded with all this contradictory information (about life, happiness, passion, etc.). Back then the advice those well-meaning adults in our families offered us was the...Lukasz Laniecki

[ 1 min read ]

It was easier to stay calm in the old times when there was no Internet and when young people weren’t bombarded with all this contradictory information (about life, happiness, passion, etc.).

Back then the advice those well-meaning adults in our families offered us was the only advice there was.

And there was very little chance we could see, let alone speak to people who chose a different path in their lives. The lifestyle and life philosophy our parents (and all their close friends) had was the only thing we saw.

Sure, all those well-meaning adults in our lives, they want the best for us. In other words they have all the good intentions in the world. But it doesn’t mean they can’t feed us the worst life philosophy on earth.

They can accidentally sell us on their loser mentality.

That’s why we should be grateful we have the Internet nowadays because we no longer have to rely solely on the advice all those well-meaning members of our families offer us.

Now we are able to filter out the crap, even if they believe it’s the best advice in the world.