"Just have a word with that Pattaya Beach hooker with elasticated nipples," Whitehead replied. "She'll do for me, that one will. I never associated elasticated nipples rubbing your eyebrows as being remotely sexual until I met her. What was her name again?"

"Fuck knows," Woods said.

"Ah, that was it, Fuk Nose," Whitehead the distinctly not gay even in a gay way rough looking Blackpool bastard muttered. "I shall shit on a plate, an eight coiler, the most twisted turd the world has ever seen. This effin Adam Richmond bloke - let's see how he deals with an eight coiler..."

Needless to say, Adam Richmond couldn't rise to the challenge.

"Aw man, this stinks like shit!" Richmond complained. "I don't know that I can do this!"

"That's because it is shit!" Whitehead barracked. "It's a fucking eight coiler! You'll never eat that fucker! It took two lots of fish and chips, a steak and ale pie, some black pudding, a dozen eggs, a packet of peanuts, and a packet of digestive biscuits topped off with a walnut whip and a Mars king size to produce that eight coil motherfucker. Either scoff the bastard or call it a day."

"I can't eat this shit," Richmond admitted. "Just can't..."

Monkey Woods and Duncan Whitehead were last seen exchanging high fives as they triumphantly walked down the street in the direction of the nearest bar.

"That showed him," Woods was heard to say.

"Well it was an eight coiler," Whitehead said. "He never really stood a chance."

At which point, a man working on a nearby rooftop, wearing wellies and a donkey jacket, was heard to call out:

"Lads - it's me! It's Fergus! I'll get these!"

Richmond conceded defeat gracefully and said that he'd never encountered such insane people in his life.

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