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Online dating may cause tiny brain seizures.

This happened the last time I tried online dating, too: After the initial ego boost, once I actually read what people are saying and how stupid most of it is, my brain has this tiny seizure, like, “What the fuck am I even doing? I belong with my Ex. This is absurd, he is my Person, and I’m never finding anyone better. I am going to die alone, or worse, under some 24-year-old townie-fuck douchebag with a naked-except-a-hand-over-his-junk mirror selfie** as his profile pic.

So. There you go, Therapist. Take my money, let’s work this one out.

Kidding. I don’t really need her for this one. I just have to keep reminding myself I don’t have to answer anyone I don’t want to, or do anything I don’t want to. They can’t come GET me, they live in the computer.

Onward. (Or if you prefer, “Excelsior.”)

** Yep, that’s a thing. I’d been on the site for 24 hours and saw three of these tykes, along with several merely-shirtless mirror selfies. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not mad at it — those guys SHOULD be shirtless at all times. But they’re looking for “DTF” girl. (I mean, I AM, but…not like that. I’m a lady, motherfucker. I’ll see you naked when I am jolly good and ready…which, in the grand scheme, really doesn’t take that long. If you can’t wait ’til the second or third date, you’re more than welcome to go fuck yourself. But although I’m not always the most confident in my sexual prowess, I can pretty much guarantee I’m more fun than fucking yourself.)

2 thoughts on “Online dating may cause tiny brain seizures.”

Bright side: the junk selfie dudes are being upfront about what they want – it saves you from wasting time on them. Unless you that’s what you want. Seriously, whatever you decide you want.

(Tell your brain to knock off the self-doubt. If Ex was your Person, the two of you would not have agreed that certain issues were insurmountable and that you needed to part ways. And you are awesome. I am pretty confident that some equally awesome male other than Ex is bound to recognize that.)