Every once in a while, a book is released that ripples the spines of women and causes a colossal shift when it comes to the dating zeitgeist.

Like The Kama Sutra, The Joy Of Sex, Bridget Jones's Diary, Sex And The Single Girl and He's Not That Into You, the latest instalment that's managing to shake things up in bedrooms the world over is comedian Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.

In case you haven't heard of him (or his book), Harvey is an American radio host who, after offering forlorn female callers candid advice on his show, decided to put all of his out-of-the-box solutions into a manual.

Since the launch of his book, he's appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, encouraged women to forego sex with a man they like for 90 days (yes ladies, 90 days!) and the book has been on the bestseller list for a whopping 15 weeks and still going strong.

Being your intrepid dating columnist, I scored an exclusive interview with the man behind the book, and caught him out sport fishing somewhere by a lake in the middle of Texas ...

Me: Steve, I know you're out sport fishing today ... and you use it in a metaphor in the book to describe how men see women. How does this work?

Steve: Men by nature are fishermen. All of us. And we are fishing for one of two reasons: sports fishing, or fishing to keep the fish. There many guys out there who are actually fishing for a woman whom they are planning on keeping. But there are guys out there who are just sports fishing - catching them and then throwing them back into the ocean.

Me: How do you tell the difference?

Steve: Women have got to ask a man a series of questions. [In the book, he suggests asking a man what are his short-term goals, his long-term goals, his views on relationships, whether he's serious about commitment, how he feels about family, his mother, his father and God.] This will help you spot whether the man is just sports fishing, or whether he's looking for a keeper.

Me: I have a problem with this because, if women say this to a man, the bloke is usually going to run a mile!

Steve: It's a woman's right to know a man's intentions upfront. Because, once you get emotionally attached to a man and you sleep with him, it's too late. So I advise women to get rid of that old line of thinking and start thinking like a man. We know upfront what our intentions are so why be afraid to ask us? If you don't ask for it, he'll stick around, play you for whatever he wants and then leave you. Then you'll be mad at all men when you could have just asked a few simple questions.

Me: You say women need to wait 90 days from the time they meet a guy till they sleep with them. These days, with one-night stands being so prevalent, are guys really going to wait around for 90 days?

Steve: Guys who really want you will wait 90 days. They do it all the time. Too many women have given up the power over the years because men have created the terms. We keep doing what we want and keep being able to get what we want without having to give you women anything. But here's what's happening in the 90-day period - you are spending time with the guy, holding hands, meeting the guy's parents, going to church together, meeting his kids and his ex-girlfriend.You're getting to know him before becoming emotionally or sexually involved.

Me: Won't they just go ahead and date someone else who will sleep with them sooner?

Steve: Very few men are going to take the stripper home to meet our mothers. So if you are going to act like a stripper, we're not going to take you home. We want someone who we can introduce to our mothers and who we can call our own. Anyone can sleep with a guy in 24-48 hours, but you're sending the wrong signal to the guy if you do that.

Me: You say there are three things that women need to give men: loyalty, support and cookie. What's the cookie?

Steve: The cookie is the critical part. It's a word I created for sex and you've got to give a man all three things. If you miss one out, he is going to find it somewhere else.

Me: What do you say to people who criticise you for being too traditional and say that your methods would never work for modern dating?

Steve: That's a bunch of crap. Love is never going to go out of style, A man is always going to want to have the love of a woman. She just needs a game plan to work out how to get his love.

- What do you think? Should women be upfront with men and ask them their intentions early on? Should they make them wait 90 days for sex?

PS. The great man survey has gone live! To take part, just answer a few questions, let me know you've done it and you'll be in the running to win an iPod Nano! Personal details will be kept anonymous and results will be published nationally! Help women discover what men really think ... Click Here to take survey

Who said women could have it all? Certainly not Bridget Jones author Helen Fielding. While she once championed the way for women to be comfortable in their own skin and accept their flaws through her highly revered protagonist Bridget Jones, it seems these days she might have become a tad confused about the plight of modern women.

She told the Oxford University Union that the "Bridget Jones dilemma" - which she defined as the endless quest for perfection and self-improvement - is plaguing modern women. In fact by her reckoning, this dilemma is doing so much damage to the female psyche, that this so-called quest has actually become a modern "disease" that needs to be cured.

Fielding blames airbrushing and "stupid advertisements" for giving women a false sense of what they should look like, how they should behave and where they should be spending their hard-earned dough.

"Bridget's mother is really confident because she grew up in the time of the war with no airbrushing and stupid advertisements," she told the audience. "She is not affected by the idea that one minute she should be a woman, the next she should be a career woman and the next she should be a mother. She is not confused."

Huh? If you're anything like me, you might be begging to ask the question: but wasn't it just yesterday that we were being told to pull up our socks and start multitasking harder? Haven't our mothers imbued us with the ability to have all the choice, sexual freedom and ability to have both a career and a home life that we want? Aren't we supposed to have the ability to navigate everything from our GPS system to our own G-spot? And now Fielding's telling us that we've all been duped? No wonder so many modern women are so darn confused ...

One woman who would wholeheartedly disagree with Fielding is pop tart Lady Gaga.

Despite her daily get-up, which would even make porn star Jenna Jameson blush, (in case you missed it, she's been traipsing about Sydney town in barely-there underwear, fishnet stockings and see-through white bras that leave nothing to the imagination), she believes in empowerment, owning your own sexuality and having the ability to have your cake and eat it too.

''I think it's great to be a sexy, beautiful woman who can f--- her man after she makes him dinner,'' she told Entertainment Weekly. "Things are changing. We've got a black President, people."

Amen to that.

Which brings us back to the eternal question: what do modern women want?

While even Freud struggled to come up with any definitive answers, a quick poll of my Facebook group unearthed the following responses:

"Girth," said one bloke.

"A big bank account and a puppy," said another.

"To be lied to continuously and believe he is telling you the truth," wrote a third.

Model and author Tara Moss surmised it was this: "Modern women want the freedom to be modern women, and preferably without judgment. Sister, friend, lover, wife, artist, CEO, jet-setter, adventuress, or full-time mum. Each one valid."

Life coach Alina Berdichevsky concurred: "I think modern women want the freedom to live their life fully, to feel challenged, alive and achieving real value with their career and to share it with a soul mate who enhances the journey, rather than detracts from it."

When it comes to what women want in a partner, Nikki Gemmell, author of Pleasure: An Almanac For The Heart and The Bride Stripped Bare, says she's pretty certain about what women don't want.

Her list includes men who are sloppy at love, men who chip away at women, a life lived in fear, too many bleak one-night stands that end up leading nowhere and to date a commitment phobe.

As for what men want, Gemmell says it's simple: they want women who are enthusiastic in the bedroom and not to think of it as a "spectator sport", women who have a sense of adventure and who actually tell a man what they like instead of making him have to guess.

To me, it's all about having the choice to make your own decisions and being able to do what makes you happy no matter what that might be ... even if it's wearing your underwear on the outside of your clothing, in public ...
What do you think?

PS. The great man survey has gone live! To take part, just answer a few questions, let me know you've done it and you'll be in the running to win an iPod Nano! Personal details will be kept anonymous and results will be published nationally! Help women discover what men really think ... Click Here to take survey

Binge drinking. It's unattractive, dangerous and can often lead to harrowing consequences. There are unexpected one-night stands, the condom can break, mistakes are made, STDs are caught and everyone ends up the following morning with a throbbing head, camel's breath and egg on their face.

With reports stating that binge drinking in Australia has escalated to whopping proportions, it seems, unfortunately, that the lines might have been blurred about whether or not it is attractive to be as drunk as a Lily Allen fan when it comes to wooing the opposite sex.

Taking a quick poll around the office, I quickly discovered that, if women don't drink on the first date, it's a total turn-off to blokes. (I guess it does take the edge off those nerves for everyone involved). Yet they're all likely to be talking about one glass of wine, not the whole casket.

Because according to a bigger study carried out by the American Psychology Association, women have a warped view when it comes to their perception of how they're viewed by the opposite sex when a few too many drinks are consumed ...

The poll discovered that, while 71 per cent of women think that men find them more attractive when they drink, most blokes confirmed that this was an entirely bogus conclusion.

While excessive drinking might make a woman feel as if she's much hotter, funnier, smarter and more attractive than when she was sober, a lad observing her behaviour would most probably be thinking quite the opposite.

This is especially so when it comes to dating a woman who indulges in more than six standard drinks a night which is considered binge drinking. (For men, binge drinking constitutes eight). What is first perceived to be having a little fun can quickly morph into a serious deal breaker in a relationship.

A case in point is the recent break-up of the marriage of Aussie crooner Peter Andre, who revealed that one of the reasons he split from his glamour-model wife Jordan (real name Katie Price), was that she was a horrible drunk. Apparently, when Jordan boozed up, she morphed into someone Andre couldn't recognise nor trust.

"I trust her when she's sober but I don't trust her when she's drinking," he writes in his new autobiography. "It makes our relationship vulnerable. From the moment she starts drinking I lose her and I don't get her back until the next morning."

He goes on to explain that, once she starts on the booze, she doesn't know when to stop. And yet she refuses to admit she has a problem. "I'm not asking her never to have a drink again," he writes. "I'd just rather she didn't have 10!"

While we all know the difference between a few friendly drinks after work or an Amy Winehouse-type addiction where it's necessary to chug down a few beers just to be able to get out of bed in the morning, Andre's story got me wondering.

If your partner drinks too much, or takes having a fun night out on the town to an extreme, is it a deal breaker in a relationship?

When I asked her how drinking too much compared with major deal breakers such as a partner's penchant for video games, passing wind during sex or smoking, she explained that alcoholism itself was not the problem, but instead the alcoholic's selfishness.

"Alcoholism can be fixed by a 12-step program," she writes, "but selfishness might not."

She makes a good point.

Obviously not a selfish person, Aussie country singer Keith Urban was determined not to let his addiction get in the way of his and Nicole Kidman's relationship. After being married for only four months, Urban checked himself into a rehab clinic in 2006 when he claimed his addictive ways had returned. (He has previously admitted to being addicted to crack-cocaine and booze.) While Kidman admitted she was "heartbroken" over the debacle, she stuck by his side and the relationship survived.

Marshall says that this type of case fits into the non-deal breaker category. "It is not a deal breaker when it is merely one bad thing that has happened, and is not related to other fundamental problems in the relationship."

Can excessive drinking be a deal breaker in a relationship? Are drunk women a turn off? And what would you define as a fundamental deal breaker?

PS. As this is quite a serious topic, I thought we'd lighten the mood and check out "the Snuggie" - the ultimate relationship killer ...

PPS. The great man survey has gone live! To take part, just answer a few questions, let me know you've done it and you'll be in the running to win an iPod Nano! Personal details will be kept anonymous and results will be published nationally! Help women discover what men really think ... Click Here to take survey

Q: "Should you enter into a relationship if you can't see yourself with the other person forever? If you are enjoying a relationship but know she is not suitable to marry, is it wrong to stay with her? I am with a cougar many years my senior with children (she is 10 years older than me). We've been together for a couple of months and the relationship is good. However, I know that I won't stay with her as I don't want to take on someone else's kids and so many of them. Is it wrong to stay in the relationship knowing that it won't last? " - Ryan.

For many men, (as many have told me over the years), the idea of commitment or marriage signals the end of their lives as they know it. "Less sex, less freedom and more household duties - what's there to love?" many tell me.

"It's not that we want to keep dating other people," one Mr Nice-Guy recently explained to me. "It's that we want to be able to do exactly what we want and watch whatever we want on television and go out whenever we want without someone telling us that we can't."

But when you're one half of a couple who sees a future with the other half who doesn't, you can't help but wonder where all this might be heading ...

A girlfriend of mine is facing this exact predicament. Still in her 20s and having dated her long-term beau for almost five years, the other day she declared there was no way in hell she was ready for marriage. Yet, he feels that, if this is the case, their relationship is pointless and should end immediately. (A little drastic but, after being together for so long, you can see where he's coming from.)

"We either break up or get married," he told her. "We're pretty much doomed either way."

"Can't you just continue going out the way we are?" she begged.

"I guess. But if you don't want to marry me after this long I don't really want to waste any more years on this."

In researching my next book, during which I spoke to a number of men around the world in the hope of getting their candid thoughts on the state of modern dating, women and sex, one 38-year-old man, who will go by the name of Mr Party-Boy, explained the date-v-marriage conundrum from his point of view:

"When I meet a woman at a club and I don't think there's any potential for marriage, I won't even go on a first date with her. If I get to the third date with a girl, which, by the way, I rarely do, then it's a given that I am thinking of her as a longer prospect. But, even then, it will take me two to three months to become exclusive with her. And she'll have to be someone who doesn't annoy me or turn me off in anyway whatsoever."

Steve Harvey, who wrote Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man (I'll be interviewing him next week so ladies if you have any questions for him, email them to me), says that, right at the beginning of a relationship, women should lay all their cards on the table and ask the man where she stands, what he really thinks of her and how he feels about marriage and kids. (Men I know would run a mile!)

When I read this in Harvey's book, I wasn't quite sure of its merit. Wouldn't it deter men? Isn't this what modern women are supposed to avoid if they want a follow-up call or at least a second date?

Perhaps he is trying to protect partners in a relationship from disappointment. Because, at least then, they won't have the "I don't believe in marriage" bomb being dropped when they least expect it ...

What do you think? Should you date someone long term with no intention of marrying them? Should you declare your intentions at the beginning of the union so no one gets disappointed? Or wait and see what happens?

"Older feminists are humourless bores!" many whine. "Blame feminists, not Rhianna!" some said when the Rhianna-Chris Brown saga came to light.

Then there are those who blame feminism for all types of issues being faced on Planet Dating. "Blame feminists for the decline in macho men! For turning alpha males into beta boys! For emasculating men and encouraging faux-lesbianism!"

While many of us will read these headlines and scoff at the ridiculous sentiments being expressed, lately I've discovered that there are a bevy of modern men who agree (or least are confused by) what feminism is supposed to stand for. Especially when it comes to footing the bills ...

"The thing that gets me about ambitious women is the double standards," one male Ask Sam reader complained to me the other day. "They want to be go-getting corporate warriors breaking the glass ceiling but then they still want guys to always pay for dinner/drinks/holidays, and everything else. I don't get it."

And it doesn't stop there. I've written about the "slut v studs" debate, which puts promiscuous women in the "undesirable" box but is a cause for celebration for the blokes. Then there are the limited number of female chief executives in this country (a study of the ASX top 200 companies in 2006 showed 3 per cent of chief executives were women, which has since declined) and the fact that women still continue to earn less than men ($1 million less over their lifetime, according to the ABC), despite the fact that there are more female university graduates.

Aside from all that, the trite bill debate still seems to be raging. While your humble blogger was writing this column in a coffee shop, a woman entered and we got to chatting.

She told me that she had recently dumped a man because he had refused to pay for dinner on the first few dates. His excuse was that, since she was a feminist, she should practise what she preached and be prepared to foot the bill.

Was this a typical example of a woman whom many viewed as the epitome of the feminist paradox?

"Absolutely not!" she declared. "I'm a feminist and believe in equal rights. But when it comes to sexual relationships, I don't see a guy buying me dinner anything to do with equal rights. I still want to date a 'real man'. I'm just not sure if there are any left around to date."

Dating expert and coach Alex Nova says the reason there's a perception that there are so few of these types of men around is, indeed, the fault of - shock, horror - the feminists. (Sheesh. We can't get a break!)

"Looking back into the last century, feminism has played a big part in shaping today's women and men," he told me via email. "As our society becomes more and more feminised, we become a generation raised by women, single mothers, to be precise. This creates an unfavourable outcome for men. Women, who know very little about the male sex drive, teach their sons to surrender their masculine nature to women. This in some cases makes women more masculine than men altogether, creating an imbalance in our society. This lack of sexual confidence has created a world full of 'nice guys' and pushovers, men who willingly let women walk all over them in exchange for some sexual intimacy and so called 'relationships.' "

While the feminist movement came about as a way to counteract male dominance in the workforce, I agree that, sometimes, women may take what was supposed to be reserved for the boardroom into the bedroom.

Yet the biological truth is that in order for a relationship to have the necessary spark, sexual chemistry and va va voom, there needs to be masculine-feminine polarity - a balance whereby the man exudes masculinity and the woman femininity.

Life coach Alina Berdichevsky, who helps many couples who have found themselves in relationships where the balance has been toppled over, says this is often the top reason that young couples find the chemistry in their relationship evaporating.

Her advice to men, which mirrors that of Alex Nova, is quite simply this:

"Be the man! Most women got 'feministy' and 'empowered' in the bedroom to subconsciously compensate for lack of real strength in men. Rather, society bred little boys who acted big, macho and chauvinistic to overcompensate for any real backbone. A real man is a not afraid to be a gentleman through and through and make his woman feel feminine, respected, treasured and desired. Deep down, that is what we all want and your strength and commitment to us will melt the most conditioned of 'tough' defences."

Whether you support or disagree with this theory, my reckoning is that, if women want to be true feminists, when it comes to the dating game, the best thing we can do is forget about the much-revered line which tells us to be empowered in knowing, "He's Not That Into You."

Instead, and I've said it before on this blog and I'll say it again, the ultimate empowerment isn't footing the bill or asking a man out on a date or sleeping with him too soon and then not calling him back. (Although that might work too.) The real power comes within the ability to turn around, sniff your nose up at the Hollywood cliche and instead proudly be able to say: "I'm not that into you in the first place."

What do you think? Are feminists to blame for the decline in macho men? Why do you think they are so often blamed? Where do you stand on the chivalry v feminism debate?

STOP PRESS!

Introducing the world's largest man (and woman) research study! Want to know exactly how men tick? Men, want to answer women's most burning questions? After getting almost half a million responses on this blog, my aim is to interview as many men as possible to get the scoop on what you're really thinking. Please email me if you're interested in participating, and ladies, please email me a list of your most burning questions!!

While I attempted to laugh it off and convince him that it was purely for work "research" purposes, he wasn't buying any of it. Instead, throughout dinner that night, he proceeded to cautiously eye me out for any signs that I might lurch into a diatribe that would include the words "love", "kids' names", "wedding songs" and "couples' therapy", even though we'd been dating merely a few weeks ...

I quickly rationalised that, just like finding your new date's tube of antifungal cream, or discovering your partner has an STD, sometimes the books they have (or haven't) read can be a mighty deal breaker in a relationship.

Case in point is a recent essay in The New York Times, which began with the tale of a woman who dumped a boyfriend she still loved. Her reason? Because of a book he hadn't read.

"He hadn't even heard of Pushkin!" she shouted to the essayist, referring to the Russian novelist.

While it's obvious her pool of potential suitors would have instantly decreased 10-fold with that sort of declaration, the story did get me thinking about the power of books and the ability some of them have to truly change our lives.

That book for me was You Can Do It by Paul Hanna. By his reckoning, attitude is everything, setbacks are blessings in disguise and success comes from thinking and speaking positively. After receiving the book almost ten years ago, his book still sits on my bedside table to this very day.

After years of writing this column, I quickly discovered that there are a bunch of books out there that people have often told me changed their lives. Lately, that pool of books seems to include Timothy Ferriss's Four Hour Work Week, Oprah favourite The Power Of Now by Eckart Tolle and anything by Malcolm Gladwell. However, it seems that when it comes to dating, the classics are still the ones being referred to and revered the most. Herein lies the top four I've recently heard being quoted, repeated and cherished by Ask Sam readers ...

Being in a "funk" over dating a man who doesn't call you back and treats you more like a late-night booty buddy than a real-life girlfriend indicates he needs a serious kick in the proverbial balls. The Rules offers just that. Just don't take everything you read to heart.

Be a doormat no longer! This book encourages women to act like a "bitch" and be in control of the relationship without letting a man actually know it. I've heard this book has changed many a doormat-type woman's life for the bitchier better. Sorry boys.

Mantra: Being a nice girl will never get you anywhere. Being a bitch in this book is not a bad thing but indicates a strong, assertive woman who men tend to marry.

Teaching men the basic skills of how to approach women in a bar should seem tame enough. Of course it's when you get further into the book that you realise there's something sinister going on in attempting to get beautiful women into bed through lines, magic tricks and psychological methodology. But, heck, I've heard it works wonders ...

Mantra: The art of seducing women is something that can definitely be learned.

This is one of my favourite books of all time. It gives you the tools to recognise true compatibility, independence in love and how to be your own person without relying on a partner, this book is a classic international bestseller and has been for more than three decades.

Mantra: Stop fantasising and begin to embrace reality!

What book(s) changed your life? Can what someone has read or hasn't read be a turn-on or turn-off? What are you reading right now?

STOP PRESS!

Introducing the world's largest man (and woman) research study! Want to know exactly how men tick? Men, want to answer women's most burning questions? After getting almost half a million responses on this blog, my aim is to interview as many men as possible to get the scoop on what you're really thinking. Please email me if you're interested in participating, and ladies, please email me a list of your most burning questions!!

Q: "When do you say I love you and who says it first? Are we really supposed to wait until the guy says it? Are there any advantages for a woman to say it first, or disadvantages? I and a friend both started seeing guys at the same time and we are constantly asking each other if we've said it or whether he's said it. It seems both of us (my friend and I) are in fact in love and are waiting to be told first or have it on the tips of our drunken tongues but never actually say it.

"I'm 28 and am now in my second serious relationship. I didn't have to worry about my first serious boyfriend. He said it to me after two months and at the time I wasn't in love with him, so the nicest & honest reply was "I'm falling in love with you". Anyway, to say it or not to say it!"

Ah, those three magic words. Forget about how to lose a guy in 10 days. If you really want to kick him to the proverbial kerb in 30 seconds then all you need to do is utter three magic words (the ones with eight letters that begin with an I and end in U) and he'll be running out your door faster than a Roger Federer forehand. Especially if he hasn't said it to you first. Or so says CNN ...

Despite my feministic ideals and go-girl mantras that include encouraging women to talk to a man first (gasp!), asking men out, paying for dinner on the second date and not being afraid to be smarter than them (even though it's proven that smart men prefer to bonk and marry their secretaries than someone with an ivy league degree and intelligent conversation skills), I have to agree wholeheartedly on this one. And here's why.

Firstly, don't ever forget that all blokes are simply cavemen in their hearts with BlackBerries in their hands. Hence anything that threatens their freedom, their thriving sex lives or their never-ending quest for the "thrill of the hunt" will lead them to believe that whoever has burst their caveman bubble is no longer worth chasing, dating, shagging or bringing home to mum.

While talking about kids, commitment or marriage to your new beau is a definite libido destroyer, saying the "L" word when he's barely mentioned your name to his mates, let alone traded in Saturday night footy for a romantic evening with you, is enough to ensure the union is over for good.

Saying it first also means you risk of the quizzical stare, the nonchalant "er ... thanks" or worse - them explaining to you that they're enjoying the no-strings-attached casual liaison wayyy too much to shift gears into mushy couple territory.

"Why ruin a good thing?" they muse while your heart crumbles and you wish the ground would swallow you whole and that you could press the backspace button on your mouth. No such luck.

Back in high school, I found myself making the crucial mistake of declaring my love a little too prematurely. My boyfriend told me that I was too young to know the meaning of the word and dumped me a few days later. That was enough to teach me a lesson for life: "Just don't say it - ever."

One of my boyfriends decided to say it in a text message while I was overseas and he was drunk (and he's sticking to that story). Nevertheless it set a precedent: it was now OK for us to exchange the "L" word without fear of censure or judgment. Oh, and just in case you're wondering, he spelt it L-O-V-E.

But men aren't immune from saying it too soon either. I was once privy to a man tearily declaring his love for a woman after a couple of dates (he made her pay all the bills), took her on a romantic holiday (he made her foot half the hotel bill by sending her an invoice!) and every time she refused to say it back, he'd crank up his heavy metal music before promptly hanging up the phone. It had been only three weeks.

As CNN duly noted: "Any guy who declares his love for you right away was one to watch out for. They turn out to be flakes, or cheaters, or just plain nuts ... They are most likely falling in love with love, not you."

Which is a fair point, considering women are emotional creatures by nature.

Perhaps better signs that he's in love with you are: to invite him to your parents' place an hour away on the day of an important footy game and see if he shows up; if he remembers your birthday; if he is nice to your friends; if he smiles when you walk through the door; or, the clincher, as one woman I know decided to do, to put on a little weight and see if he sticks by your side ... (For the record, he did!)

YouTube Alert!

There's a brilliant and hilarious YouTube video that is doing the rounds, which features scenes from a new Aussie film titled My Year Without Sex. This little clip gives a list of five things that can get in the way of good sex, which are: the interruption by the kids, a lack of foreplay, questionable foreplay, going on holiday and even fantasy costumes. (Yep, as you're about to see, even these can go horribly wrong.) ... Enjoy!

Q: Who should say "I love you" first? Is there a right time to say it? And what is your top five list of things that can get in the way of good sex?

STOP PRESS!

Introducing the world's largest man (and woman) research study! Want to know exactly how men tick? Men, want to answer women's most burning questions? After getting almost half a million responses on this blog, my aim is to interview as many men as possible to get the scoop on what you're really thinking. Please email me if you're interested in participating, and ladies, please email me a list of your most burning questions!!

"Any guy who'd date a woman who has slept with that many men is pathetic." A male friend told me this over drinks, while pointing to a woman in a bar who he explained was notorious for sleeping around in his social circle.

"But don't you sleep with different women every weekend?" I ventured, knowing that he was a notorious playboy himself.

Ever since starting this column, I've witnessed a colossal shift within the sexual paradigm. Only five years ago, women were being encouraged to quit holding back from sex and to start owning their own sexuality ...

Phrases such as "Have Sex Like A Man!" and "Experiment All You Can!" became the newfound sexual mantras as modern women threw their knickers in the air, enrolled in pole dancing lessons and declared that kissing women was liberating, enjoyable and tasted like a cherry chapstick.

But now, it seems things have taken a dramatic turn. Instead of women being applauded for their wayward ways, many feel they're being penalised for it.

Take Carla Bruni, for instance. When it was revealed (and I'm not sure why it was revealed in the first place, but at least it makes a great point for discussion) that she's had 15 sexual partners, the world's conservatives and media took a collective gasp.

"Fifteen? What a slut!" tut-tutted commentators as similar sentiment spread like hot wax around news blogs, media outlets and office water-coolers.

Turns out, says the Kinsey Institute Report (the official surveys on all things sexual and, most of the time, they pretty much get it right as they continue to update their database), the average number of sexual partners is six-eight for men, and four for women. Which indicates that, yes indeed, Bruni, is way above the average number in the hanky-panky department.

Yet still, why all the malice?

In researching the topic, I came across a story on AskMen.com in which a woman named Stacy Jones wrote into columnist Curt Smith about her recent date. The man had asked how many men she'd previously slept with. And when she told him her magic number was 43, he replied, "Wow, one person for each year of my life." He promptly left the restaurant and, suffice it to say, she never heard from him again.

When I read columnist Smith's response in which he described women as "objects" (yeouch), and stated that "the more people use the object, the more it depreciates and the less bargaining power it has: this is a plain psychological fact of life", I became a little miffed.

To me, the sensible advice for Stacy would be "Dump the douche!" Or, "Women should never feel ashamed about sex!" Or have any guilt! Or have low self-esteem just because a man can't handle an independent, sexually aware female! What the heck happened in the last five years?

Jenny Block, a bisexual, polyamorous, married woman, who describes herself as the epitome of "a woman who demands control over her own sexuality", is also feeling the judgmental wrath of modern society. She wrote in The Huffington Post that, while everyone around her seems to pity her husband, the real reason modern men are threatened by women with a high sexual count is simple ...

"Men who want to rule the playground are right to be frightened of women like me. They are right to be concerned that the balance of power might shift to the centre and away from their boys' club," she writes. "As long as women can be made to feel badly about their sexuality, so too can they be distracted from the larger issues. But I have hope that those days are numbered."

Indeed. By my reckoning, every adult - whether man or woman - should have as many sexual partners as they want without suffering from criticism. As long as it continues to be enjoyable, empowering, with protection and exactly the way they like it ...

Do you think Bruni's 15 partners are too many? Are women judged too harshly these days? Is having one sexual partner your entire life the way to go or does it cause too much wondering "what if"? How do you define promiscuous? And are men turned off by promiscuous women?

STOP PRESS!

Introducing the world's largest man (and woman) research study! Want to know exactly how men tick? Men, want to answer women's most burning questions? After getting almost half a million responses on this blog, my aim is to interview as many men as possible to get the scoop on what you're really thinking. Please email me if you're interested in participating, and ladies, please email me a list of your most burning questions!!

We've all been burned by a noxious ex who broke our heart, cheated on us, ditched us for someone with less wrinkles, baggage and is better in the sack than us. But when it comes to taking revenge - it's a step too far for some. For others, it's just the beginning.

The other day I received an email that was forwarded to me from a man whose ex-girlfriend was desperate for revenge after he dumped her for no apparent reason. The email she sent him was lengthy, vitriolic and filled with anger, rage and hurt.

"Wow - I'd love to say the exact same things to my ex," I responded after I read it (along with the entire dinner table).

"Yes, but the difference is, you probably never would." He had a point.

In the name of research, I recently dug up some old diary entries of letters I had written to an ex, but of course never had the guts to send. At the time I probably had enough sense to realise that in his mind, I probably wasn't exactly that important in the scheme of things. But considering women (and many men) are highly emotional creatures, when it comes to writing our feelings in the throes of a post-dump-rage, many of us become psychotic shadows of our former once sane selves ...

For some that might not have the same self-restraint, their man's caddish ways become so dire and destructive to themselves that they resort to desperate measures.

Ways to take revenge include ...

Airing their dirty laundry

When Italian President Silvio Berlusconi, 72, was apparently frolicking about with an 18-year-old blonde bombshell (who incidentally called him "Papi"), his wife, Veronica Lario, didn't let it go quietly. Instead of dealing with things behind their giant closed doors, she told La Stampa newspaper that her marriage was over. "I can't stay with someone who cavorts with minors," she said. "I read in the papers about how he has been hanging around a minor, because he must have known her before she was 18. And how she called him 'grandpa' and about their meetings in Rome and Milan." Silvio, on the other hand, insists it was all innocent, and is now demanding an apology from his wife. Fat chance.

Telling Oprah Winfrey

When John Edwards was caught in a compromising dalliance with a mistress (who was also hiding a secret love-child by him), while his wife, Elizabeth Edwards, was suffering from cancer, she decided to go all out in the name of revenge. She wrote a tell-all book titled Resilience about her personal trials, and scored herself a coveted position on the couch of The Oprah Winfrey Show to bag on her husband in public.
"This is a really good man who really did a very, very bad thing," she told Oprah. "But if you take that piece out, I do have a perfect marriage." Could have fooled us.

Humiliating them in a public trial

Supermodel Christie Brinkley decided the best way to air her husband Peter Cook's dirty laundry when he cheated with his teenage secretary was to do it in the tabloids. Hence she made sure that their divorce trial was made public and that out came the facts that he spent around $3000 per month on pornographic websites and paid his lover $300,000 to keep it quiet. Mission accomplished.

And Lady Sarah Graham took revenge on second husband Sir Peter Graham Moon after he moved a younger woman by snipping off the sleeves off 32 of his Savile Row suits, trashing his BMW with a can of white paint and depositing rare wines from his cellar on doorsteps around the village like a milkman. Yeouch.

Going on an online rampage

Then there's the ability to let your fingers do the revenge-taking. Visit websites like revengelady.com or dontdatehimgirl.com and you'll find a gaggle of scorned ex-lovers dishing the dirt on their philandering caddish ex-beaus, anonymously of course, and all in the name of hoping they'll never get a date again.

While these methods of taking revenge are rather masterful, I still concur with George Herbert who said 400 years ago that living well is the best revenge.

What would you love to say to an ex? Have you ever taken revenge on one? Do you think any of these methods are justified?

"I added a woman I met at a bar on Facebook - does that mean she'll think I'm desperate?"

"He hasn't replied to my Facebook message - does that mean he's not that into me?"

Not a day goes by when I don't hear a gaggle of complaints all centered around the world's current largest chat-up-fest, otherwise known as Facebook. And with winter fast upon us, you can bet your ugg boots that more singletons will be letting their fingers do the flirting by hopping onto Facebook, Twitter or whatever bizarre fetish-specific dating website they can dream up, in order to nab a real life warm body to snuggle up to.

While I have no official data to back up my theory that Facebook has become the number one pick-up tool of the modern generation, according to a survey whipped up by Motorola Canada, 35 per cent of respondents flirt with a crush using Facebook instead of face-to-face contact, while 10 per cent would indeed do the dirty and dump their latest fling via their Facebook wall posting rather than do it to their face.

Confusing? You bet. Hence herein lie my top 10 rules of Facebook dating (which, by the way, you should feel free to augment) ...

1. Updating your relationship status: When you go from "single" to "in a relationship", make sure that the person you're supposedly "in a relationship" with is aware that the two of you are now exclusive. Because, if you haven't yet had "the talk", or aren't certain they're not seeing other people, the best bet is to wait till they make the switch. Only then will you know you're safe to do the same. Oh, and don't do it to spite your ex and trick them into thinking you've moved on because if you get caught out, it will be mightily embarrassing.

2. Removing your relationship status: If you take off your relationship status, know that your entire throng of 500 friends will see an update, which says you're "no longer in a relationship". If you're just trying to get some privacy back, your partner could take this as being dumped over the cyber airwaves and freak out big time. And if it's legit but they just don't know about your intentions yet, I'm sure your soon-to-be-ex-squeeze would prefer to hear all about how you've fallen in love with someone else, or bonked their best friend, in person rather than through their Facebook page. (According to the BBC, a man in Britain murdered his wife for doing something like this, and, while this is an extreme case, watch out as reactions to shenanigans on Facebook can be vicious!)

3. Stop switching: You don't want to be one of those tools who continually changes their status back and forth from "single" to "in a relationship" to "it's complicated". Especially not when you're talking about the same person. Not a good look.

4. Stalking: Its nicknamed "stalkerbook" for a reason. Trawling through your friends' friends to scout any potential dates is a given. But, if you're going to request a friend of a friend who you've never met but think is cute and someone you might want to poke, make sure that a) they're unattached, and b) you've checked with your mate that it's OK to add one of their friends to your page. Otherwise you could come across as a psycho stalker, friend-poacher or boyfriend-stealer.

5. Quit Facebooking with the ex: The biggest problem to come out of Facebook aside from the incessant poking and all the "I hate the new Facebook" groups, is the ex conundrum. Do you really want to know all about their weekend shenanigans with their new squeeze? Or what they had for dinner last night while you sat home alone playing with your cat? No. Then there's the icky factor of logging on to your ex's page to check if you missed their birthday only to discover that they're recently engaged, married or worst-case-scenario - are newly single. My rule for exes on Facebook is to delete them immediately unless every bit of attachment has evaporated. Which, let's face it, it never really does.

6. TMI: Too much information can be as much a turn-off as getting spinach stuck in your teeth on a first date, having bad breath or passing wind during sex. Don't do it. We don't really care about what kind of jam you put on your toast for breakfast, or how you can't get to sleep because you drank to many lattes at lunch. Keep it short, sweet, sassy and sexy. Also, watch those status updates when you've chucked a sicky from work. Your boss could be lurking.

7. No PDA!: If you're telling your new beau how much you love your "schmookie pookie" and continually dote on how fantastic he was in the sack the previous night, keep it to private messaging. The same goes for a slagging war or airing your dirty laundry on your Facebook wall. Not cool.

8. Naked pics: Apparently there are a bevy of blokes out there (and I suspect a bunch of women thrown into that mix too) who are notorious for sending naked pics of themselves to unsuspecting Facebookers. I'm not sure when this suddenly became acceptable but if you've got your hand on your digital camera as we speak, please, put it away, now. It's not sexy, it's darn creepy.

9. Don't fake a Facebook: While it might seem funny at the time to create a fake profile of one of your exes to tell the world they have an STD and are bad in bed, it's actually illegal. One bloke in Britain sued a mate over doing just that. And anyway, it's against Facebook's official rules so think of other ways to take revenge.

10. First date Facebooking Finally, don't add someone or let them add you before the first date. You don't want to sit down on the date and have them recount everything you've done in the last few months, already know your favourite ice-cream flavour, how you like your eggs and which date you were on last Thursday. All the mystery and intrigue will vanish from the equation and you'll have nothing left to talk about but the day's weather. Which if you've already discussed on your Facebook page, well, you're on your own ...

What do you think? What are your rules for Facebook dating? Have you met someone on any social networking websites? How did it work out?

It was Plato who said that pleasure is the bait of sin. While he might have been referring to things such as decadent desserts, Kylie Minogue concerts, reality TV and Two And A Half Men marathons, there's another sort of pleasure that I've discovered from writing this column over the past few years that can be far more addictive, painful and pleasurable than the rest: the addiction to an ex.

For some reason, despite everyone else reckoning that we're a bunch of twats for still being addicted to the ex who caused us so much pain and heartache, it seems the sin of going back to them, stalking them on Facebook or accepting their late-night texts soliciting us for a booty call sends more endorphins rushing to the brain than Lance Armstrong gets from his Madone SL Bicycle.

And it's not only me who has experienced it ...

The questions I am so often asked by readers are these: "How do I get over my ex?", "Should I stop sleeping with them?", and, worst of all, "Should I quit stalking them and simply move on?"

And from all my research, it seems the only feasible solution, as with all toxic addictions, is to embark on a course of action that is so sickeningly devoid of any pleasure that it is but the very last, rock-bottom solution: a rampantly strict Ex-Detox.

Now I know what you're thinking: God, not another freaking detox that involves gooey green drinks, no more Bloody Marys and way too many cups of leek soup. Because the fact is that talking to, thinking about or engaging in hot sex with an ex is so addictive it turns even the most unsuspecting victim into a junky worthy of a Promises rehab clinic.

Kristin Booker, a columnist on website Your Tango, found her ex-addiction was so overwhelming that her detox turned into a three-year-long effort comprising no men, sex or exes whatsoever. That's three whopping years without any physical, mental or emotional contact.

Her addition to bad men was so bad that she found herself dating a man who hit her and then, immediately after, another whom she caught having full-blown, forceful sex with another woman at a house party, before something in her just snapped.

"I had to take a break from dating to see exactly what in the world caused me to make these horrible choices," she wrote. "I decided to go cold turkey. No casual dating, no flirting, nothing. I needed to be clear to sort out the drama of my life. I was going into a dating detoxification, and I was going to come out clean and sober."

She admits it wasn't easy, with the pain, agony and shock to her system, but she did it, starting with taking "all numbers out of my phone". "I tearfully erased email addresses, IM names, whatever it took to make sure I had no way to take myself out of my soul-searching solitude."

The result?

"I was miserable at first, then irritated. Determined to stay the course, eventually I began to like the calm and order. I began to figure out I enjoyed doing ... without anyone else to get high on. I decided to make myself a bit of an addiction, and I learned that I was pretty freaking awesome."

After she learned to love herself (no longer a cliché, but a necessity in these types of dire situations), she changed her life, lost weight, quit smoking and moved to New York City in pursuit of a different, lifestyle, career and mindset.

However, she did admit that it wasn't all strawberries and champagne after the detox either.

"Something interesting happens when you start dating after a detox, as it does I'm sure when you have any addiction: your old vices show up out of nowhere. As if beaconed by some light, every ex-boyfriend I ever had suddenly arrived via Facebook. When I decided to befriend a few, they fell back into their old behaviour. For about five minutes I would, too, but then my new-found clarity would come through and help me see what was happening from an objective perspective. I would think, 'Oh wait, I know exactly why I'm reacting this way, and I have to stop.' I would calmly gather myself and end the interaction immediately."

While not everyone has to embark on a three-year detox (a little extreme, even in my books), in a bid to score the ultimate answers to the detox dilemma, I contacted Kristina Grish in New York, author of Addickted: 12 Steps To Kicking Your Bad Boy habit. She has formulated a 12-step recovery program to kicking the addiction to your ex for good. Yep, she's running the rehab, but it isn't all fun and games. You'll even have to stop hiding his T-shirts to wear when you're alone ...

Me: What types of women are addicted to bad men?

Kristina: "They're women who are obsessed with erratic charm and tousled bed head - but have no clue about how to alter their destructive dating patterns. In their hearts, they want to adore a prince and know they deserve nothing less, but they also have no clue about how to transition from devouring one type to embracing another. They've worked hard to learn how to deal with and romanticise wayward trappings - and dating outside this world demands a serious paradigm shift. Most sensible women know they won't spend forever with an attractively damaged man, but they never cease to sneak one into their circle - falling harder and unfortunately becoming more hurt with each experience."

Me: Is it a real addiction?

Kristina: "I'm not a therapist, but it is a really difficult habit to break - and it requires that women who date bad boys completely redefine how they think about the men they want to date and eventually marry. To a great extent, these men are destructive - and getting past them requires an entire lifestyle change that comes from an inability to break a pattern. What does that sound like to you?"

Me: C'mon - do we really need a 12-step program to get over them?

Kristina: "Twelve steps allow you to self-evaluate so intensely that you can come away from the process with a real understanding of what's important to you in a relationship. You'll redefine your priorities more effectively than when you flippantly say, 'I'll never do that (or him) again!' - and then rebound a few weeks later."

Kristina: "Absolutely. I know many women who have, and I did myself. I married a nice guy!"

Me: OK, so you did it. But won't nice guys seem boring from now on?

Kristina: "Nooo. An entire history of dating bad boys actually helps you appreciate nice guys. Bad men provide a wonderful barometer by which you can judge the nice men in your life. It's all so relative. Nice men sparkle by comparison, but you have to walk far and fast from the bad ones to be ready to embrace the good."

Me: What's your key piece of advice for women in this predicament?

Kristina: "Don't settle. A bad boy once told me, 'Nice grows on trees.' It's not the most insightful comment, but it's true. There are many more kind men in the world than there are rotten ones, but you certainly shouldn't date or settle down with a man just because he's nice. Be selective from the start, because, if you're not, you'll end up right where you started."

My personal 12-step program includes:

• Deleting the details of your ex from all contactable temptations, including Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, your BlackBerry, email and mobile phone. Do it now. Take the plunge. I dare you.

• Implement a strict 30-day no contact rule. That means not answering their calls, ignoring their texts and simply deleting them out of your life for 30 days. It's going to be painful, upsetting, lonely, frightening and all that good stuff that detoxing does to the body. Stick with it if you can. It will pay off.

• Of course, not seeing or speaking to your ex doesn't stop those amorous thoughts from getting into your head, or preventing your mind from playing the past situations, squabbles or nights of the best sex of your life over and over. Hence the mind-fast is imperative. This means taking your mind and starting to control it, instead of letting it control you. Start with telling yourself that you cannot think about your ex for two days straight. If a thought about them pops into your head, write it down and don't let your mind think about it until two days later. When you get through the first two days, then try going for four days. Continue until you train yourself to stop thinking about them.

• Work on yourself. Do something that you enjoy doing, phone a friend, start meeting old acquaintances who you never had time for before because you were always too busy thinking about your ex. Take up a new hobby: pole dancing, tennis lessons, surfing - whatever it is that titillates your senses.

• Implement the "man plan" (or woman plan). List all the things you want out of a partner (most likely all the things your ex was not!) and put the list under your bed. Leave it there for the 30-day duration and visualise how your life would be with this type of person in your life.

• Finally, stop yourself from frequenting the places you think they might be and stick this one out! It's only 30 days, but will change your life.

Happy detoxing!

How do you get over an ex? Would you use the ex-detox? Have you found yourself addicted to bad boys (or women that you can't get over)?

As promised, the first installment from "The S-Word" - the TV series based on my recent trip to the US, where I interviewed the world's top dating experts, psychologists, authors, celebrities and the world's best pick-up artist, Neil Strauss ...

Yep, I travelled all the way to Hollywood to pay a visit to Neil Strauss, author of The Game, The Rules of The Game, and his latest New York Times bestselling book, Emergency, to ask the former super-geek the secret of his success ...

Finding a partner in life can be a wearisome, mystifying and often downright deflating experience. Hence it's no wonder that many people believe that it might be best just to ditch the whole soul-mate lovey-dovey part and simply do the dirty with a stranger.

Katherine Heigl's glamorous character as an E! News reporter in the hilarious rom-com Knocked Up did just that when, after a drunken celebratory night out, she invited serial stoner and internet porn aficionado Ben Stone (played by Seth Rogan) back to her place with only one thing on her mind. The outcome? You guessed it - she got knocked up.

Then there was the steamy sex scene between Rene Russo and Pierce Brosman in The Thomas Crown Affair, while Jacqueline Bisset became a member of the Mile High Club in the film Rich And Famous after having sex with a stranger in an aircraft bathroom!

And if surveys, water cooler gossip and my Facebook fans are anything to by, it seems sex with a stranger is not only the subject of Hollywood chick flicks, but happens in droves in a bar/club/back seat of a taxi/aircraft toilet near you. After all, according to a 2008 survey carried out by the "Sex Health Guru", 43 per cent of men and 40 per cent of women admitted having unprotected sex with a stranger. Yeouch ...

A case in point is a friend, whom we'll call Bill, who regaled me with his tale of stranger sex in such vivid detail the other night that I couldn't help but believe his every word despite how far-fetched it may have sounded.

"I was at a restaurant in New York for a friend's birthday," he began. "I went into the bathroom, which happened to be unisex and, when I came out to wash my hands, I looked up and saw this magnificent woman standing there. She took my hand and the next thing we're in the bathroom stall getting it on."

Afterwards, Bill went back to sit with his friends at the dinner table, and spotted the woman in question sitting at the next table with another couple and what appeared to look like her own date.

"I don't know if she was on a date or not, but we just smiled at each other and I never saw her again."

While he admits that it might sound a little wicked and wayward, he says the fact that he wasn't drunk, did use a condom and was fully aware of what was going on indicates that the experience was entirely different from one of those one-night stand scenarios that people ultimately regret.

"There's a big difference to an experience you regret, as opposed to an experience that you are well aware of and you know what you're doing every step of the way," Bill said. "This situation was very primal."

Another man, whom we'll call Jed, once asked me why sex with strangers was a whole lot better than having sex with someone he loved. I wasn't sure of the answer at the time, but, after investigating the subject a little deeper, I realised that the answer was blindingly obvious. Sex with a stranger means you can leave all your inhibitions at the door. It means that you can be anyone you want to be and act like anyone you fancy.

Later on, when I asked Jed what he liked about it so much, he likened it to hopping on a plane and going on a short round-trip ride.

"You can board and depart without any emotional carry-on. The only thing that is carry-on is what you have on you. The rest is left at the terminal."

But Bill was quick to dismiss gents whose preference for stranger sex outweighs their penchant for real love making with someone they feel strongly about.

"Sexuality is like an elastic," Bill quipped. "You can be in a solid, stable relationship. But sex with a stranger, you can stretch it and go as far as possible. Stretching it more means more excitement and pushes you further out of your comfort zone and you can be whoever you want to be. It's all based on that primal attraction of who you are in that moment. Your imagination can run wild."

But as with all casual encounters with strangers, there are some stern warnings that should go along with it. Always use protection, never get their phone number (way too many risks involved), and make sure you don't bump into them again at your son's soccer game the following weekend.

But not everyone is so pro the idea, with one female asking me to give both Bill and Jed this little tidbit of advice: "I can't wait to see how many of your readers respond very honestly with 'It ended with my doctor saying - yep, you have at least six STDs - congrats!" Doesn't sound that appealing after all ...
Sex with a stranger: passionate or cop out? Have you done it? Would you do it?

Kate Moss isn't attractive. Or sexy. Or so says so a gent who recently took off on a jaunt to Paris, only to return back to Australia with a newfound sense of what exactly is hot and what's not.

"All the French women are thin, but not stick thin," he marvelled. "They're still voluptuous. They still have their womanly figures. They have butts and boobs for God's sake! It's so much more attractive than a Kate Moss-type figure, which for some strange reason seems to be the body that Aussie women go for."

I had to agree.

Having recently attended the Sydney French Film Festival, I was enamoured by the gaggle of voluptuous French women that were cast as the sexy female protagonists. With their tall, statuesque figures (and butts to boot), their clothing seemed to cling closely to their voluptuous hips with their cleavage often on display. A jutting-out collarbone or concaved-in chest was nowhere to be seen.

Yet back in Australia, with Fashion Week having come and gone like a rotten glass of champagne, one has to wonder if the message of what exactly is sexy to the blokes has yet to defined ....

Then there's the recent hoopla over the Miss Universe pageant where contestant Stephanie Naumoska was bagged out by judges for being "too bony" to win the crown. (She's 1.8 metres, weighs 49kg and has a body mass index of 15.1, well under the healthy minimum of 18.5).

The controversy received more press than the winner herself. Experts and the Australian Medical Association were called in, blood tests were requested and labels like "malnourished", "uproar" and "stick-thin" were tossed around.

In fact, such importance was placed on Naumoska's lack of lard on her legs or cellulite on her butt that the story about her weight instantly ricocheted across the world and was reported everywhere from CNN to NBC's Today Show. Their biggest gripe? NBC said her lithe frame could be "one more negative influence on young women and their perception of the ideal body".

"These girls start to think that thin is in," said psychologist Jeff Gardere on NBC. "So if they don't look that particular way, then they don't believe that they're pretty."

Hence it's easy to see why women are getting more mixed messages than minks in Paris Hilton's wardrobe.

Interestingly (and dear readers, please do not judge me on what I am about to report as it in no way reflects on my personal opinions on the matter), a friend - who is so self-conscious about her own weight that she refuses to go on dates - sent me a link to a New York University survey(XX). In it, the researches discovered that during a recession men desire fuller figured women.

"Amid plunging bank accounts and cancelled vacations, behold: a bright spot. The recession might actually bring one thing that some women can welcome," said the researchers. "Studies suggest that changes in the state of the economy can influence what men find sexually attractive in women - and when the economy's bad, it's good to be fat. Or, at least, a tiny bit fatter. It isn't much, but it's all we've got."

Knowing this might give hope to one forlorn Ask Sam reader who says she's finding it rather difficult to find a date as she's a bigger woman. She writes:

"I'm quite tall (I'm 5'9") as well as a former female bodybuilder. About 10 months ago I ended a long-term relationship, but have had trouble getting dates since. The reason is not because I'm aggressive, I'm the complete opposite, but because it seems to me that too men are afraid of being with an extremely muscular woman like me who is also clearly a lot stronger then them, as well as pretty tall. Am I wrong? Or are there guys who don't mind and may even like being with a muscular, tall and physically stronger woman?"

What do you think? Is Stephanie too thin? Do men steer away from muscular women?