FOLLOW US

Footballer picks up coveted nose spit award

A Division 2 footballer was celebrating last night, after receiving the annual spitter of the year prize at the Golden Greenie awards, held in Gobowen. Peter Jones, full back with Port Vale, was commended by a panel of journalists and fellow players for ‘a season of unparalleled nose ejections, with variety, trajectory and speed of delivery more typically associated with a premier league player, or someone with a quite serious bacterial infection’ .

‘Jones has been untouchable this year, something unfortunately that you can’t say about his discharge’, noted the Telegraph’s chief football journalist. ‘It’s hard to single out individual gobs in such a great season, but I’d say his right nostril ejection midway through the Stoke cup game in January was a watershed – well, snot-shed actually – moment. Finger blocking left nostril. Rapid exit of phlegm in a single shot, with no residue onto the shirt. Deliberately targeted to miss opponent’s foot by less than a centimetre. Outstanding.’

‘Pete’s versatility has been a hallmark of his nose clearances this year’, waxed legendary commentator John Snotson. ‘He’s a great utility gobber. He can deliver a little bit of spit between his two front teeth finishing with a double pike of the saliva into the advertising hoardings, along with the best in the world. But he’s not afraid to honk out a huge mucus and saliva mix around the penalty area on a wet and windy Tuesday in January at Burnley either’.

‘I’ve been really pleased with my consistency this year’, admitted Jones, ‘Thick, mostly green, and very, very difficult to remove from the playing surface’.