Monthly Archives: May 2009

Post navigation

My thoughts are eluding me this afternoon. I’m not quite sure how that is possible, but it is. Somehow, they are escaping my mind without me having the chance to ponder them. This is highly unfortunate, because all that I can remember from my thoughts is that I had some that I deemed worthy of further consideration.

I’m feeling rather restless today; I’m not sure why. I’ve been challenged recently to reconsider my perspectives on life. So I am. I’ve been thinking a lot. Wondering about different situations. Attempting to not overanalyze or read into anyhing. There is a difference between noticing something and wondering about it and overanalyzing something. Instead of coming to any solid, concrete conclusions or realizations about my life, I have been contemplating and asking many, many questions. And it seems as if the more questions I ask, the more questions I encounter. Without very many answers. Some situations in my life are very up in the air. I can do whatever I want to do. But what is that? The thought of change appeals to me, but when it comes to actually changing. . . I’m more hesitant. I like security and comfort. The unknown, while intriguing, kinda freaks me out. Most likely because I am a control freak. I like to know exactly what is going on, what to expect, etc. But that doesn’t involve having to trust. Letting go of control and trusting God is perhaps the scariest thing I will ever have to face. I know He will take care of me though. He has a particular plan for me. For my life. I will make an impact. Touch the lives of many people. Show them love. But how? The answers seem to elude me. . . or is it the right questions that are eluding me?

I’m a little bit crazy. Don’t worry, just a tad bit. Not too much 😉 Why am I crazy? Well, aside from the many, varied, and somewhat obvious reasons, I am crazy today because I agreed to get up and meet friends for breakfast at 7 am on a day that I didn’t have to be awake until 10 am. Anyway, one of my friends mentioned something about life or happiness – I don’t quite remember; I was still half asleep. And my tired brain automatically connected whatever my friend said with the phrase “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” And suddenly, I had a thought that I promptly announced I would blog about in a few hours, a declaration met with laughter from my friends.

My thought was this. Why isn’t the phrase “life, liberty, and happiness”? Why is happiness a pursuit and not an inherent quality? And even if it isn’t an inherent quality, why is it something to pursue and not a natural state? Why are people always so dissatisfied with life that they have to pursue happiness instead of enjoying the life they are blessed with? I understand that life sometimes brings unforeseen circumstances that can be difficult, painful, and sad. In those circumstances, pursuing happiness would be admirable. However, life is not always full of negative situations. I can be a fairly negative person at times, so maybe this is more a reflection and thought for myself, but I feel as if people should refocus their perspectives on life. Be happy. Enjoy the myriad of blessings in life, from sunshine to music to friends to whatever makes you happy . . . pursue your passions and desires . . . the sky is the limit.

There are two things that I delight in. Well, obviously, there are more than just two, but there are two things that I delight in doing that I am currently doing. Ok. . . three really. One being writing this post. The other two being drinking coconut lattes and writing cards to my good friends.

I enjoy coffee. If I am drinking plain coffee, I usually take it black. Flavored coffee usually gets a little cream mixed in. And I can drink lattes plain or flavored, either coconut or hazelnut. Cappocinos are always delighted in plain. So are Americanos. Yes, I drink a lot of coffee. I love to just sit and enjoy a cup of coffee with a friend. Many good conversations have been had over a cup of joe. And by g0od conversation, I mean conversation that brought me and my friends closer. Whether that was a silly, ridiculous conversation, a deep, vulnerable conversation, a casual conversation, or a conversation resolving conflict, the conversations have all been good. I also enjoy a cup of coffee while reading and/or writing. I love to sit in a coffee shop, sip coffee, and be surrounded by people while I wander through the story of whatever book I happen to be reading or while I navigate through my thoughts and put pen to paper . . .well, typically put my fingers to my keyboard and type. (On a complete side note, I got a new baby!!! A netbook that only weighs 2 pounds so I can carry Little, as I so aptly named my baby, without breaking my back.) I really enjoy being alone in a crowd. I am energized by being around people. Or being with small groups of people. Or one on one with a friend. Anyway, I love coffee.

I also really enjoy writing random cards or notes to my friends. I greatly delight in sending these thoughts and notes of encouragement to them. Sometimes they are goofy. Sometimes serious. Sometimes for a specific occasion. Sometimes just for fun. Sometimes just to say I love you friend. Yeah. It brings me great pleasure to write these cards. Chances are, if you are one of my closer friends, you will get a random card or note from me at some point. . . back to writing now.

After having exhausted every possible excuse and procrastinating beyond what is even remotely reasonable, I have finally commenced the challenging journey of attempting to write my novel. Simply starting is a feat in and of itself. For me, the most difficult part of writing is just typing the first few words and sentences. After that, my thoughts tend to flow. Although I have never previously attempted to write a novel. It is based on my personal life, so sharing that will be difficult. I am not the most open person you will ever meet. But it will be good for me. Very healing. And it will encourage me to be open and honest and vulnerable. So often I long to be vulnerable, yet I fear rejection. It is beyond ridiculous. However, life is a process. A journey. And I am taking small steps. Baby steps. Just like Bob. “Baby steps. Baby steps.” “I’m baby stepping. I’m doing the work.” (quotes from What About Bob).

I’m sitting on my bed right now eating cheese cubes. It is the end of a moderately long day, not extremely long, but definitely not boring either. I’ve been thinking for the past hour or so. Thinking is not always the best idea, but I tend to enjoy it regardless. Summer has started. Well, actually, summer started 10 days ago. And in the past 10 days, I have accomplished nothing. Really. I haven’t finished any of the books that I have started. I haven’t written anything until this post. I haven’t practiced the piano yet. I haven’t started my novel, which I need to finish by May 31st. Nothing like 50,o00 words in 10ish days for a challenge. I was extremely frustrated a little while ago. And then I talked with my dear friend Emily. She reminded me that accomplishing things and always doing something isn’t all there is to life. I can just enjoy it and simply be. She is right. In the past 10 days, I have enjoyed moments of my life. Not all of it because I have been sick, but still. I have had amazing times with friends, including friends that I haven’t hung out with much until the end of the semester. I went to and helped with the wedding of another dear friend, whose name also happens to be Emily. I went on a missions trip to Cincinnati. I have even realized a lot about myself and what I am passionate about. What I am drawn to. I have allowed myself to dream a little. I have amazing friends who genuinely care about me. I have dreams. And talents. I have a Daddy in heaven who absolutely adores me and holds me through everything. What I need is to change my perspective and enjoy the very blessed life that I live. And enjoy my cheese cubes. 🙂

And no one needs to know
How scared we are tonight
Would you let me see the world
Won’t you let me see the world behind your eyes
Behind your eyes
Behind your eyes

The lyrics to this song really struck me while I was attempting to study this afternoon. I have a friend who is hurt, bothered, frustrated, and annoyed that I don’t open up. Honestly, it hurts me that I struggle to open up to my friends too. I think my friend would agree that this song voices his desire. He cares about me more than I am able to realize and admit sometimes. And that realization kills me because I long to trust him. I care about him too. I know he is my friend; he will be there for me. Regardless.

I’m so confused right now. And I’m afraid to feel, so I’m fighting to not suppress every feeling I have right now. I don’t know how to react to life. How to deal with certain situations. What to do. What to even think. And I’m afraid to turn to most of my close friends. That is not surprising because there are few people that I even come remotely close to trusting. It is also no surprise that I feel somewhat alone, although not isolated.

And that is only pertaining to life here in BG. Aka, excluding family issues right now. Oh, and did I mention that it is finals week? The stress of this finals week is equivalent to the stress of the previous 5 finals weeks combined. Eek. 24 more hours then I’m done. . . now to take the 2 tests and write the 10-12 page paper before then. . .