"It's basically all rewriting. Most of the process is rewriting rather than writing." Richard Curtis

HERE'S MY ULTRA-CONDENSED COURSE IN WRITING JOKES, WHICH APPEARED IN THE INDEPENDENT ON SATURDAY

You don't need to be able to tell a joke to write one. It just takes practice and lateral thinking. Here's Tony Kirwood, author of 'How to Write Comedy' (Constable & Robinson £9.99) to tell you how...

Think of an everyday theme such as 'childhood'. Jot down related topics: Christmas; punishment; treats; pocket money; bed-times. By each topic write down a subtopic. For example, by 'punishment' you could put 'naughty step'.

Try to find a way of reversing it or turning it upside down. Let's see what could happen if we turned a punishment, 'naughty step', into a treat.

A sketch is a mini play. And just like a play, it should contain drama and conflict. Nothing can be more boring than a sketch with a group of characters who just sit around and talk.

Get your characters to rub up against each other. Make sure there's something at stake between them. Maybe one of them has got something the other has, or wants to stop the other person getting something. Or perhaps they’re just in the way of the other person. There doesn’t have to be violent conflict, but there needs to be some bone of contention.

Give your comedy writing a bit of passion. The more your characters are emotionally engaged, the funnier it will be.

USING CLICHES

Cliches are the enemy – aren’t they? As soon as an audience hears a tired gag or watches a stereotyped character, they have every right to throw their beer glasses at the stage. OK, their plastic drink containers, let’s not forget health and safety.

At the same time, clichés can be your best friend when writing jokes. Come again? Here’s how. A joke hangs on instantaneous communication. A cliché is something in common use - it wouldn’t be a cliché if it wasn’t . So if you can incorporate one of these well-worn phrases into your joke, you’ve made a bridge to the audience. Of course you then have to do something funny with it. Twist it around and use the alchemy of your comedy skills to draw a laugh out of it.

I once heard a gay comic doing a routine about sleeping with girls to keep his parents happy (these were the days when gays still faced a lot of hostility) “I had to lie back and think of England,” he said, “well, David Beckham actually.” Brilliant. He used a cliché, thinking of England when you’re having sex as a duty, and giving an unexpected angle on the meaning of “England”.

When you’re making your mindmap to create topics and angles to help you write a joke, ask yourself if there’s a common cliché or well-worn phrase you can bring in. Then try to turn it upside down, twist it or subvert it. Every cliché gives you instant entry into the audience’s mindset.

I once did a routine about turning up early for a restaurant date. “The early bird catches the worm,” I said. “Bad idea. Not her kind of cuisine at all.” It got a laugh.