Vettel makes kettle

Following another disappointing result at the Hungarian Grand Prix, Sebastian Vettel has announced plans to make up for lost sponsorship and personal endorsements by launching a branded kitchen product called The Sebastian Kettle.

According to sources close to the German driver, The Sebastian Kettle will be able to boil water quite quickly but not quite as quickly as rival kettles from places such as Australia. However, each Sebastian Kettle will come with a booklet detailing how quickly the device used to be able to boil water between 2010 and 2013, perhaps because rival kettles weren’t quite as good then, especially ones from Australia.

A Vettel spokesman warned that the new device should not be boiled when other, faster kettles are being used nearby as it will cause The Sebastian Kettle to have a tantrum and spit out all of its water. This will require the person who has paid for The Sebastian Kettle to spend the next week or so gently telling the kettle that it is still special and their favourite of all the kettles.

The Sebastian Kettle will go on sale next month and will make an ideal present for a kitchenware loving motorsport fan to complement their worktop items such as The David Coulbox, The Gerhard Berger Grill and The Pedro de la Toaster.