There is a saying "genius is bordering on the insane". Well for some it's more like an all out overlapping. When your grasp on reality is wearing ub?r thin you know it's time to consult.... the int13h guide to insanity!

The many subtle fragrances of madness

Loonyness doesn't come in only one flavor (ooh no missus) there are many different levels through which ones mental state can descend. Its fully dependant on the time frame and the distance from reality in which you reside. The first and lowest level of insanity is the...

Fruit loop:This graze in the surface of instability is found quite commonly, usually when somebody is under a little pressure. The tell tale signs are speaking to yourself and responding, screaming at inanimate objects and uncontrollable desire to scream gibberish. We then fall into the...

Idiot stage:Idiots can be identified by their un-nerving ability to repeatedly state the blindingly obvious. They also seem to be able to construct mindnumbly intricate structures from mashed potato. Idiots also smell like Turnips and usually collect shiny objects.

Mongs:on the other hand can appear quite normal until the required catalyst is introduced at which point they will begin to drool violently, attempt to eat their own ears and lie blatantly about anything i.e. claiming to be the queen of sheeba.

Reality Impaired: The phrase 'the lights are on but nobodies home' was based on these people. At first glance they seem perfectly normal however a deeper interrogation shows them to be completely detached from the rest of us. Usually to be found seeking refuge from some unseen assailant and spurting nonsense about the runes. These people can go from stable to deranged in under 6 seconds and take people with them... surprisingly dangerous and should never be underestimated.

Gimboids:are the one outstanding group in this collection, they choose insanity over reality. These are your typical new age traveler types who rely on crystals and meditation. They believe in mantras and chat to their long dead relatives via the medium of dance. Completely deranged!

Nut Case:Noun, The name given to an individual who is completely barking. The kind of person who wears jackets that fasten up the back, barks at the moon and has an affinity with crayons. Mostly found in rooms decorated with mattresses.

Lunatic:Nutcase x 10 .These people should come with a 40 mile exclusion zone as they give new meaning to absolutly barking mad. Usually found strapped to beds and heavily sedated to prevent them spurting apocalyptic nonsense or quoting entire episodes of changing rooms.

Completely Hatstand:The definitive insane. After this there is only death.

Twenty Twenty Twenty four hours to go. I wanna be sedated....

Joey Ramone had the right idea, what better way to pass the time than being completely off on one. The act of being insane can alleviate a lot of life's little problems. Responsibility becomes a thing of the past, as does the need for rational thinking. An effective list of traits required for loonyness can be found below.

i. Attempting to eat your own headii. Singing the music from adverts at the top of your voice at all timesiii. Believing in alien mind control and accuse everyone you meet of being a mindless puppet at the mercy of the evil Moogrons?iv. Having arguments with yourself - vocallyv. Collecting the bellybutton fluff of othersvi. Drooling uncontrollably

Obviously there are more but these will get you off to a good start. Obviously the more time you spend doing these the more loony toons you will appear. Please note it is not necessary to limit yourself to just one or two of these at once. In fact the more insane things you can do at once the more likely you are to reach the dizzy lows of 'completely hatstand'???.

Position of the week?

Almost as important as the act itself is the location. It's all well and good being able to flip out like the best of them but if nobody sees it then your efforts are wasted. The more members of the public that see your little display the more likely you are to get institutionalized. Below are some of our favorite spaz out sites.

Court:This is always a good place to 'lose it'. Lots of legal people around, not to mention reliable witnesses. Pleading insanity will get you lenience on most crimes nowadays anyway.... bonus!

Church:Mosque, Temple Or Other Religious Building Of Your Choice Oh yeah, now this is the stuff... a house god (gods, whatever).. lots of believers ...and you an abhoration of everything that is good and sane. Develop tourettes syndrome for that extra boost to your 'lock-awayability'. Drop a cog in a church and you are certifiable for sure!

Lifts:For that up close and personal 'mong'?. Ok so the scope for witnesses is quite low... but the few who are affected will be scarred for the rest of their natural lives... they'll put you away quicker than you can scream WALRUS!

Public Transport:They can't escape when they're sat on a bus. They gonna want to die if you hardcore insane it on a plane. Just hope that you live long enough to get into that straight-jacket.

Okay Ladies And Gentlemen. Its A Wrap

Well that's kind of it, the quick and dirty int13h guide to insanity. Use it well and reap the many rewards that mental incompetence can wield. Oh and remember - this Christmas the perfect gift for the mentally bereft person who has everything. A double frontal lobotomy and 10 rolls of rubber wallpaper.