Monday, July 24, 2006

Hot Judge, Cell Phone Etiquette, and Kickball on The Front Page

My deepest sarcastic apologies to anyone out there who has missed my ranting and raving over the weekend. Really I am sorry. The goddamn sun finally came out and I decided my tan was more important than my blog this weekend. So all of you jackasses who call me a bog addict, remember that tanorexia was my first disorder, and therefore will always supersede any later ones. I have some good shit lined up for this week, but I had a lot of shit I wanted to get off my chest before I continue. If you don’t like it, I guess that’s one more day you are going to have to go without my priceless insight.

1.)There is this judge who lives across the street from a couple of my friends. She has like nine of her signs out front for her re-election and I swear, judging by the signs, she is the HOTTEST FREAKING JUDGE EVER. Bronwyn Catherine Miller may soon replace Judge Jules and Judge Julie of Playboy’s “Sex Court” fame as my favorite judge alive. Apparently she presides at the SouthDade JusticeCenter, which is where any litigation brought on by myself would take place, so this really works out perfectly. Awesome. My next step is to mull over the various people I could conceivably sue just to get some face time. Perhaps those guys I got in the bar fight with last month. I think I have some permanent vision loss. Now, would Judge Miller be turning any heads at Prive on a Friday night? No. But I would wager she is the best looking non-defendant at the SDJC on any given day. Although those traffic court prosecutors are not bad either….

2.)Do not ever talk on your cell phone around me, ever. Unless it is a critical matter or something pertaining to whatever activity you or I are participating in, any other calls can wait. I don’t do it to you, don’t fucking do it to me. You want to catch up with your second cousin in Boise? That’s what your bedroom is for. Checking in with your girlfriend/boyfriend? It can wait for a car-ride. Work-related call? If it’s not during business hours and you are not a drug-dealer, pimp, or on-call neurosurgeon, it can wait. Trust me, it can. It is just plain rude and I am not the only person who doesn’t like listening to other people’s cell phone conversations. Especially when you are sitting right next to them and have nothing else to do. Unless the person on the other end of the line is dying, they’ll be there when you get home. So show some goddmaned courtesy and wait until you are alone to call them back. Ever notice how my phone often rings when we hang out but I rarely if ever pick it up? Exactly. Take the goddamned hint.

3.)On a similar note, to the nine or ten of you who called me this weekend and I did not return your calls: Do not take it personally. Sometimes I really don’t feel like “catching up” with anyone, nor do I want to listen to you drunk at a Pearl Jam concert. I am not being a dick, you are still my friends. But sometimes people, and especially guys and especially me, don’t particularly feel like having conversations with anyone that are not immediately relevant. I am doing fine. I hope you are well. Eat a Honey Glazed Maple Barbecue Dick.

4.)Strippers should no longer be allowed to wear glitter. Ever.

5.)If you thought this Kickball thing I’m doing was unusual, think again. Those of you who bothered to look at the front page of the Miami Herald may have noticed a little article on the bottom of Page One about our Kickball league. The picture was taken about five feet from where I was standing, our team even gets a small mention, and they give a nice explanation of how “Flip Cup” is played. If mine was not clear enough. Though you will undoubtedly be smarter for not having read that particular section.

There. All done. The proverbial blog-shit has been taken and now we can continue. Tomorrow.

I thought I was alone in my hatred of the friend who talks on the phone while hanging out. I try to keep pet peeves to a minimum, but this is something that I will NEVER get over. I’ve been getting in the habit of just walking away from the person if they start talking on the phone. It's not that I'm necessarily mad - it's more that I don't really want to listen to a conversation I’m not involved in and often find something far more interesting then listening to Tuna discuss what he did wrong again with his girlfriend.

I can't remember if I called you this weekend. I wish I had headed over to the Gorge for the PJ concert. It however, was too damn hot in Seattle, and if its too damn hot in Seattle, add 15 degrees at the Gorge.

So wait, what if you call me when I'm hanging out with a friend? Should I ignore you or do you want me to respect the fact that you are calling from 3000+ miles away. Oh and Ben was on the phone the other day during lunch. Granted, it was to hook up a co worker with some tea and honey, but on the phone he was. I should have walked away and denied Ben a ride back to work.

I admit, I will answer the phone when I am with my friends, but usually I let it go to voicemail. Normally I answer only if I see that it is from someone who has my son for the day. I also have an OCD friend that I will ALWAYS answer for.I usually excuse myself and then apologize when I come back. WD- did you wake up on the wrong side of I-95 this morning?

I am with you on the cell phone calls. It can wait. And I hate listening to friggin females squeal with laughter on their phones while engaging in conversation with the rest of their company. Cell phone conversations during lunch with your friends is not considered multi-tasking.

I can’t believe I actually feel the need to defend myself here, but I’ll stoop. Joe – Being on the phone to ask what kind of tea a sick co-worker wants while you where not even around, is quite a different situation. By the time you grabbed your Twinkies, Funyuns, Jo-Joes, Chicken Strips and what ever else isle 12-18 holds, I was finishing up my call. Now if I had walked along with you on your heart attach scavenger hunt, I would never have made an outgoing call. Melisa, I got a call while we where at lunch and didn’t answer it – this proves my point. Your right, I did check the message later while at your house, but you where on the phone anyway! I waited to call her back until I got in my car and was driving home. So to the both of you – in the immortal theme of our favorite blogger: you both can eat a Cranberry Baked Salmon Glazed Dick

I can't stand it when people answer their phones while they're talking to me. Especially in the car! Nowehere to go.That judge's picute is hot. But she's probably a bitch too. W/D: she looks like she's got your JAP girl problems written all over her.