i wish i forgot the suffering after but at least i have time pass, and i'm alive... my sadness comes but at least it passes and i find myself laughing, and cracking jokes, and hope for certain goals...

i want to walk (crutches are okay) & no more dizzy-dizzy :-P and the glasses would be nice... ALL a part of step #1.

step #2 is making my trips out of the house alone, trips to the market & trips to the Tea Shop in town, next the trip up to Jersey (conductors are so helpful)...

when i come home step #3, to become involved... the research, i'm starting now... trying to find SOME way that i can be helpful myself... i'm sure i can...

i can make *no* sense of it, that i want it to be a secret when i meet someone... i was sure to dress foreign & wore make up (I WORE MAKE UP?!) and felt i was trying to hide.... felt VERY lucky that i don't have the heavy "angry" brow that my sister & Father have, can't excuse how i'm built tough & strong and not "lithe" ... there is also my teeth that no one saw & many dentist ask me if i was Asian ;)

no. i'm NOT Asian. i'm Lenape. so i am expected to dress in jeans & drink (a lot)... can you know how it feels? that everybody you meet has skin pink against your yellow skin, and tells you so proud that they are 1/16 Cherokee?

i think them being so proud is why *i* have been denying & packing myself in the closet!!! PROUD to not running the "gatherings" & not hanging up a dozen dream catchers, and wearing all those damn feathers...

there has been all that "stuff" i only discovered by noticing when i could compare myself to other people... so many white people talk-talk-talk they seem so uncomfortable in silence & act like filling it with noise or whistle or look at their watch or pick up a magazine etc...

do you want to know how to "be" a native american? know you are safe to be silent. THAT is the first part...

maybe afterwards you notice the voices of your Family, and become obedient to them, just live every moment like you are as strong & patient as you can be, so that They will be proud of you...

when i just woke up (i can't remember) i told my sister i saw my Father & Nanny (my grandmother)... but as i come around i kept quiet about seeing anyone (afraid of being considered crazy and locked up)...

at first i was TERR-I-FIED to see them, they were so vivid to me i couldn't tell they were a hallucination, so talking to them will be talking to the sky... crazy lady :(

another bit of strange was the fact that they showed up one at a time, sat or stood next to me for a minute, then walked off making room for the next person...

i *refused* to acknowledge them, & was sure to answer no one who was "alone" in my room (they could be a person or could be one of them) i could ask my sister "are they alive?", or at least talk only if i had other people around who saw them & talked to them...

i saw a woman who stood in forearm crutches, and a black man (he was the only one who waved to me, smiling), some of them looked sad but most of them peeked at me curious, some of them (thank G-d it was a very small amount) were children... almost everybody was a grown up...

i also didn't recognise any of them except for when i saw Bobby (my stepfather, who was *glowing*), and looking down into my lap i saw Amber-dog (she was wrapped in a blanket)...

when they pushed me into Rehabilitation "they" disappeared! (at first) and i was so *so* releived... thats when i noticed people, who walked in the room to visit the woman who lived in the room with me... they seemed so pleasant, dressed nice (although a little "dated") & one of them was even a dark skinned doctor, and then they would disappear on their own or be walked through..... great. i got scared AGAIN hahah ;)

i got my sister to pull the curtain around my bed so i didn't see any of "them" show up again (i felt bad i did that)...

my vision of them has gone down from the many-many-many i saw in the ICU, to just a couple in the Rehab, to hardly any at home & the hotel...

the most important fact is i'm not afraid of them anymore... they aren't here as "escort" me to the After-life, and they aren't making noise over my day to day... they are peaceful & curious, so if they want to look at me, let them look..