Shaking with Anger

Just to preface this: we lost our first baby 3 1/2 weeks ago (she was 10w3d) and we've been married for 4 years. Here is what is going on...

DH & I just received a lengthy e-mail from his parents, who didn't know about our baby until we e-mailed them about the m/c, saying that they were very concerned we had been trying to have a family at all, given the financial difficulties we've faced in the past couple of years. We made the mistake of asking them for help twice (once, when we nearly lost our home after it was struck by a tornado last year, and earlier this year, when our hot water heater broke and flooded the basement and we had two weeks until the next paycheck), and so now they have this picture in their minds of us that I'm sure is just awful. They actually said that they've never helped us in the past because they "don't want to fund [our] lifestyle". WHAT LIFESTYLE? We live in an old home that costs $20 more to us per month than our apartment did, we shop exclusively at thrift stores and clearance racks, we don't drive fancy new cars...we don't even own a credit card!! That isn't to say that we aren't behind on a payment here or there or that things aren't still tight, because they are. Just the same, I almost wish they had just come out and said it, because it was so clear throughout their e-mail to us that this is what they think of our miscarriage: it's good that this happened. I am so angry and so upset over this that I am literally sick to my stomach.

Here's some direct quoting from the e-mail: "Please don't subject a baby with the kind of stress that all these financial problems are putting on you." (Some background: DH only landed a full-time job in April and prior to that had been in college full time, unable to find work. I lost my job in February and had been the sole source of income for the past 3 years, aside from DH being in the Air National Guard which pays peanuts anyway. Now he's working full time with benefits and I'm working 32 hours a week at minimum wage even though I have a degree, but we're doing our best and building things back up). They also said "We were surprised and concerned that you were purposefully trying to start a family right now", among paragraphs and paragraphs of wrong assumptions, accusing us of excluding them from our lives because they wouldn't help us when we asked (which is also wrong and not at all true - we're always the ones calling them, they have moved farther and farther from us, etc)... I just am in total shock.

The worst part is my MIL has had multiple miscarriages in the past. She should, of all people, know the anguish I'm STILL IN because it's been less than a month. How in the world they thought that their opinions (and many of them wrong, false, etc) were so important that they needed to be placed above a relationship with us is beyond me. DH is ready to shut them out altogether, but even with how hurt I am over this (and how ANGRY we both are!), family is family and they are all he has.

Advice, thoughts?? I am crushed.

Just to preface this: we lost our first baby 3 1/2 weeks ago (she was 10w3d) and we've been married for 4 years. Here is what is going on...

DH & I just received a lengthy e-mail from his parents, who didn't know about our baby until we e-mailed them about the m/c, saying that they were very concerned we had been trying to have a family at all, given the financial difficulties we've faced in the past couple of years. We made the mistake of asking them for help twice (once, when we nearly lost our home after it was struck by a tornado last year, and earlier this year, when our hot water heater broke and flooded the basement and we had two weeks until the next paycheck), and so now they have this picture in their minds of us that I'm sure is just awful. They actually said that they've never helped us in the past because they "don't want to fund [our] lifestyle". WHAT LIFESTYLE? We live in an old home that costs $20 more to us per month than our apartment did, we shop exclusively at thrift stores and clearance racks, we don't drive fancy new cars...we don't even own a credit card!! That isn't to say that we aren't behind on a payment here or there or that things aren't still tight, because they are. Just the same, I almost wish they had just come out and said it, because it was so clear throughout their e-mail to us that this is what they think of our miscarriage: it's good that this happened. I am so angry and so upset over this that I am literally sick to my stomach.

Here's some direct quoting from the e-mail: "Please don't subject a baby with the kind of stress that all these financial problems are putting on you." (Some background: DH only landed a full-time job in April and prior to that had been in college full time, unable to find work. I lost my job in February and had been the sole source of income for the past 3 years, aside from DH being in the Air National Guard which pays peanuts anyway. Now he's working full time with benefits and I'm working 32 hours a week at minimum wage even though I have a degree, but we're doing our best and building things back up). They also said "We were surprised and concerned that you were purposefully trying to start a family right now", among paragraphs and paragraphs of wrong assumptions, accusing us of excluding them from our lives because they wouldn't help us when we asked (which is also wrong and not at all true - we're always the ones calling them, they have moved farther and farther from us, etc)... I just am in total shock.

The worst part is my MIL has had multiple miscarriages in the past. She should, of all people, know the anguish I'm STILL IN because it's been less than a month. How in the world they thought that their opinions (and many of them wrong, false, etc) were so important that they needed to be placed above a relationship with us is beyond me. DH is ready to shut them out altogether, but even with how hurt I am over this (and how ANGRY we both are!), family is family and they are all he has.

Holy cow! The email sounds really brutal and totally uncalled for! What ever happened to letting adults live their lives however they damn well please?!? So sorry you're going through this. And sorry your MIL acts as if your mc was a good thing---you're right, she should know better!!!!

Holy cow! The email sounds really brutal and totally uncalled for! What ever happened to letting adults live their lives however they damn well please?!? So sorry you're going through this. And sorry your MIL acts as if your mc was a good thing---you're right, she should know better!!!!

Wow…I am so sorry to hear that. I would just kindly respond and say we didn’t ask for your opinions so please keep them to yourself. In today’s economy, unless you are wealthy, who the hell can “afford” a family anyway?! But people make it work. My father was a Philadelphia police officer (which paid peanuts) and my mother was a SAHM. We went to Catholic school for 12 years. This is not something easily achievable on a Philly cop’s salary (and we are going back to the 80’s-90’s and 2000). But somehow, some way, they made it work. I see people do it every single day. DH & I can’t “afford” to have a baby but if we wait until we can, we will never have a family. We will be able to provide the necessities for our future child…We just may not be able to afford a vacation to Disney World! But last time I checked, that was not a necessity. They child will have clothes on his/her back, food in his/her mouth and more love than anyone could ever imagine. I am sure this goes for the majority of the people TTC and/or with kids already. His parents need to realize you are married adults. They don’t get a say in your decisions. If they don’t like them, too bad! I would talk to DH. See how he is feeling about the email and then step away from the computer and wait a day or 2 to respond. Because if you respond now, it could get ugly. Take some time to process it, think about it and respond rationally or don’t respond at all. Whatever you guys decide.

Wow…I am so sorry to hear that. I would just kindly respond and say we didn’t ask for your opinions so please keep them to yourself. In today’s economy, unless you are wealthy, who the hell can “afford” a family anyway?! But people make it work. My father was a Philadelphia police officer (which paid peanuts) and my mother was a SAHM. We went to Catholic school for 12 years. This is not something easily achievable on a Philly cop’s salary (and we are going back to the 80’s-90’s and 2000). But somehow, some way, they made it work. I see people do it every single day. DH & I can’t “afford” to have a baby but if we wait until we can, we will never have a family. We will be able to provide the necessities for our future child…We just may not be able to afford a vacation to Disney World! But last time I checked, that was not a necessity. They child will have clothes on his/her back, food in his/her mouth and more love than anyone could ever imagine. I am sure this goes for the majority of the people TTC and/or with kids already. His parents need to realize you are married adults. They don’t get a say in your decisions. If they don’t like them, too bad! I would talk to DH. See how he is feeling about the email and then step away from the computer and wait a day or 2 to respond. Because if you respond now, it could get ugly. Take some time to process it, think about it and respond rationally or don’t respond at all. Whatever you guys decide.

Agreed, and thank you for understanding why this hurts me the way it does. I almost felt crazy reading it, like they can't really mean these things. Maybe I'm overreacting... Definitely not overreacting. Thank you for validating my feelings.

Agreed, and thank you for understanding why this hurts me the way it does. I almost felt crazy reading it, like they can't really mean these things. Maybe I'm overreacting... Definitely not overreacting. Thank you for validating my feelings.

Brutal! Yes! That is a great word to describe it. My heart has barely begun to heal from our loss - both DH and I are still just reeling and aching from it - and to have this thrown at us from people who are supposed to love and care for us (not control, manipulate, etc) was awful.

Brutal! Yes! That is a great word to describe it. My heart has barely begun to heal from our loss - both DH and I are still just reeling and aching from it - and to have this thrown at us from people who are supposed to love and care for us (not control, manipulate, etc) was awful.

My dad lost his job as an officer in the U.S. Coast Guard in the early 90s when his base closed and the military downsized, and that event really marked the start of a very tight budget growing up for us all. My mom was also a SAHM and she actually homeschooled my brother, sister and I until junior high. My youngest sister was born 7 years after my sister, so there were four of us to take care of as my poor dad struggled to find work that he wasn't over-qualified for (although he has taken nothing BUT jobs he's honestly above). We always had enough, though. And although my parents still struggle with how to be 'good' parents, all of my issues with them stem from lack of understanding or lack of grace - I know that they love me and I am well aware of sacrifices they made for my siblings and I. I'm so thankful for the life I had growing up, even though I was always on the receiving end of scholarships so I could go to camp because my parents weren't wealthy. DH, on the other hand - both of his parents were dentists. His mom passed away when he was 7, and his dad remarried right away. That woman (my MIL) treated DH horribly, even to the point of mental and emotional abuse. Miraculously, he has a decent relationship with her today, but there are still just years and years of buried hurts from his childhood in her home. Because of FIL's profession, they've never had any tight paychecks. To hear them talk, you'd think they never made a mistake in their lives, either. I realize that some of our financial issues stem from poor choices made early in our marriage (like buying a house - it was $79,000 and the montly payment is cheaper than rent was for us, but with the economy the way it is we can't resell... so we're stuck, but we're on time with our payments and we've learned for next time! Mistakes take TIME to recover from, and more than just a year or two. I don't think they get that).

{huge sigh}

Thank you for sharing your story, and for letting me rant here. I can't even begin to describe how much their e-mail hurt me or how angry this has made me. Our loss is so fresh... and even if it had happened months ago, nothing in the world could ever make their e-mail to us okay. If we were lazy or refusing to work - and we both have jobs that we work so hard for - or if we were living in squalor or gambling / taking extravagant trips / buying a lot of fancy new clothes or cars, then I could understand. But we are lower middle class people who are really just starting out in a horrible economy. I wish they would understand.

My dad lost his job as an officer in the U.S. Coast Guard in the early 90s when his base closed and the military downsized, and that event really marked the start of a very tight budget growing up for us all. My mom was also a SAHM and she actually homeschooled my brother, sister and I until junior high. My youngest sister was born 7 years after my sister, so there were four of us to take care of as my poor dad struggled to find work that he wasn't over-qualified for (although he has taken nothing BUT jobs he's honestly above). We always had enough, though. And although my parents still struggle with how to be 'good' parents, all of my issues with them stem from lack of understanding or lack of grace - I know that they love me and I am well aware of sacrifices they made for my siblings and I. I'm so thankful for the life I had growing up, even though I was always on the receiving end of scholarships so I could go to camp because my parents weren't wealthy. DH, on the other hand - both of his parents were dentists. His mom passed away when he was 7, and his dad remarried right away. That woman (my MIL) treated DH horribly, even to the point of mental and emotional abuse. Miraculously, he has a decent relationship with her today, but there are still just years and years of buried hurts from his childhood in her home. Because of FIL's profession, they've never had any tight paychecks. To hear them talk, you'd think they never made a mistake in their lives, either. I realize that some of our financial issues stem from poor choices made early in our marriage (like buying a house - it was $79,000 and the montly payment is cheaper than rent was for us, but with the economy the way it is we can't resell... so we're stuck, but we're on time with our payments and we've learned for next time! Mistakes take TIME to recover from, and more than just a year or two. I don't think they get that).

{huge sigh}

Thank you for sharing your story, and for letting me rant here. I can't even begin to describe how much their e-mail hurt me or how angry this has made me. Our loss is so fresh... and even if it had happened months ago, nothing in the world could ever make their e-mail to us okay. If we were lazy or refusing to work - and we both have jobs that we work so hard for - or if we were living in squalor or gambling / taking extravagant trips / buying a lot of fancy new clothes or cars, then I could understand. But we are lower middle class people who are really just starting out in a horrible economy. I wish they would understand.

My dad had 5 kids to support on 1 salary. He did take up a 2nd job doing construction by day and cop by night. That man worked his @ss off to take care of us. My mom was blessed enough to wait until I was 19 to go to work. DH's parents have lots of money. Same deal as you DH. They never struggled. They left Philly and bought a gorgeous home in Naples, FL. But they are wonderful people and have been very supportive with the pregnancy and miscarriage. So I can't say I totally understand, because I don't. But what I do know is, it is not their right to interject themselves into your marriage by offering their opinion. Sometimes, people like that just need to be put in their place. Maybe you can do it or maybe DH can do it. You do need to sit down with eachother & discuss how you are going to handle this situation. But be stern and don't let them think they can dictate your lives.

My dad had 5 kids to support on 1 salary. He did take up a 2nd job doing construction by day and cop by night. That man worked his @ss off to take care of us. My mom was blessed enough to wait until I was 19 to go to work. DH's parents have lots of money. Same deal as you DH. They never struggled. They left Philly and bought a gorgeous home in Naples, FL. But they are wonderful people and have been very supportive with the pregnancy and miscarriage. So I can't say I totally understand, because I don't. But what I do know is, it is not their right to interject themselves into your marriage by offering their opinion. Sometimes, people like that just need to be put in their place. Maybe you can do it or maybe DH can do it. You do need to sit down with eachother & discuss how you are going to handle this situation. But be stern and don't let them think they can dictate your lives.

Disgusting behaviour! :'( there is never 'the right time to have a baby' however, every mum I know 'makes it work' - whether they are low paid and managing to get the essentials by working or highly paid working girls and having to walk away from glittering careers to have their baby. I have received nothing but support from my family and dh's family so can't relate to that, however if you need to rant and get it out - we are all here for you. Hugs x

Disgusting behaviour! :'( there is never 'the right time to have a baby' however, every mum I know 'makes it work' - whether they are low paid and managing to get the essentials by working or highly paid working girls and having to walk away from glittering careers to have their baby. I have received nothing but support from my family and dh's family so can't relate to that, however if you need to rant and get it out - we are all here for you. Hugs x

DH has been far too gracious to them given the fact that they've never once apologized to him for how he was (mis)treated growing up - but after this he is ready to open that Pandora's box and go there. They really did have no right... and although financial issues have a way of making one feel worthless, really it's a very small (important, yes, but in the scheme of things SO SO SMALL) part of life. We made so many choices just in the few short weeks that we had our little bean growing inside - he was looking at getting a second job (probably didn't need to, but he was concerned about providing well), we looked at secondhand furniture, we researched ways to save $$ by cloth diapering and extended breastfeeding... Babies do cost a lot, but just as we've been doing life without the 'latest and greatest', babies don't need to be dressed in Baby Gap stuff 24/7 - although gosh, their stuff is so cute. :]

I'm almost worried about us being too stern in our reply - but we need to say SOMETHING, and soon. I just can't believe that anyone would do that to people in our situation.

DH has been far too gracious to them given the fact that they've never once apologized to him for how he was (mis)treated growing up - but after this he is ready to open that Pandora's box and go there. They really did have no right... and although financial issues have a way of making one feel worthless, really it's a very small (important, yes, but in the scheme of things SO SO SMALL) part of life. We made so many choices just in the few short weeks that we had our little bean growing inside - he was looking at getting a second job (probably didn't need to, but he was concerned about providing well), we looked at secondhand furniture, we researched ways to save $$ by cloth diapering and extended breastfeeding... Babies do cost a lot, but just as we've been doing life without the 'latest and greatest', babies don't need to be dressed in Baby Gap stuff 24/7 - although gosh, their stuff is so cute. :]

I'm almost worried about us being too stern in our reply - but we need to say SOMETHING, and soon. I just can't believe that anyone would do that to people in our situation.

You have every right to be hurt by all that. I'd be pissed! It's not any of their business about when is the "right" time or how you live your life. It's a sticky situation because its family. My advice would be to confront them. Tell them that the email hurt you and your dh. Let them know that while you appreciate their opinion its really up to you and your husband to decide what is right or wrong. And that you appreciate all the help that you have received from them but remind them that everyone will fall into hard times and that doesn't mean that your whole life should be put on hold. And tell them that it goes both ways. They have helped you but one day you might have to help them and you will always be there for them as well. You have to let know your hurt and its none of thief business but them smooth or over with some sugar. Sorry they are being so insensitive! I hate when you can't even rely on the people you trust most to be kind and understanding and supportive. It sucks!!!! Hopefully she was just trying to be "supportive". You'd be surprised what some people think as being helpful. I have had some of the most horrible things said to me by people I love dearly that just don't get how hurtful they are being. Thinking of you!!! Hugs!!!!

You have every right to be hurt by all that. I'd be pissed! It's not any of their business about when is the "right" time or how you live your life. It's a sticky situation because its family. My advice would be to confront them. Tell them that the email hurt you and your dh. Let them know that while you appreciate their opinion its really up to you and your husband to decide what is right or wrong. And that you appreciate all the help that you have received from them but remind them that everyone will fall into hard times and that doesn't mean that your whole life should be put on hold. And tell them that it goes both ways. They have helped you but one day you might have to help them and you will always be there for them as well. You have to let know your hurt and its none of thief business but them smooth or over with some sugar. Sorry they are being so insensitive! I hate when you can't even rely on the people you trust most to be kind and understanding and supportive. It sucks!!!! Hopefully she was just trying to be "supportive". You'd be surprised what some people think as being helpful. I have had some of the most horrible things said to me by people I love dearly that just don't get how hurtful they are being. Thinking of you!!! Hugs!!!!

That's awful. I am so sorry for your loss and your heart break. I really don't know what to say except your not alone, my mil has been cruel and heartless too. I am so sorry. This is such an awful thing to go threw then add this on top. I am sorry.

That's awful. I am so sorry for your loss and your heart break. I really don't know what to say except your not alone, my mil has been cruel and heartless too. I am so sorry. This is such an awful thing to go threw then add this on top. I am sorry.

Thinking it and keeping it to themselves is one thing, saying/writing it and suggesting that their mc is basically a relief is quite another. Their mc is a tremendous loss and it's about them, not her inlaws self centered reaction and assumptions that somehow their baby was going to burden them. It's inexcusable, regardless of what they thought. A life was lost. A precious life that they already loved deeply.

Thinking it and keeping it to themselves is one thing, saying/writing it and suggesting that their mc is basically a relief is quite another. Their mc is a tremendous loss and it's about them, not her inlaws self centered reaction and assumptions that somehow their baby was going to burden them. It's inexcusable, regardless of what they thought. A life was lost. A precious life that they already loved deeply.

We thought of this, but then we both realized that the only time we asked for help was with the mortgage. When our hot water heater went out this summer, we only asked for their advice and what they thought we should do... so really, there was only one time that we actually asked for their help, and it was a year and a half ago.

Also, DH and I have been very vocal for a few years now about being careful in having / raising children, having seen my parents pick up my stupid brother's slack and raise his 3 children (now ages 8, 6, and 3 1/2 - they've had them for three years now, and plan to adopt). My parents both communicated to us that they were hurting with us after we told them of our loss, and my mom said "I'm so glad to know that you wanted her and were going to take care of her - we know with you guys that we wouldn't have to raise another one, too." :/

I did try to think of things from this angle, but - at the end of the day, making and having babies, ESPECIALLY for an adult couple in a committed relationship (or married, like we are), is a personal and private matter. We both have jobs, we're both college-educated, etc. :( I think they just majorly overstepped their bounds on this one.

We thought of this, but then we both realized that the only time we asked for help was with the mortgage. When our hot water heater went out this summer, we only asked for their advice and what they thought we should do... so really, there was only one time that we actually asked for their help, and it was a year and a half ago.

Also, DH and I have been very vocal for a few years now about being careful in having / raising children, having seen my parents pick up my stupid brother's slack and raise his 3 children (now ages 8, 6, and 3 1/2 - they've had them for three years now, and plan to adopt). My parents both communicated to us that they were hurting with us after we told them of our loss, and my mom said "I'm so glad to know that you wanted her and were going to take care of her - we know with you guys that we wouldn't have to raise another one, too." :/

I did try to think of things from this angle, but - at the end of the day, making and having babies, ESPECIALLY for an adult couple in a committed relationship (or married, like we are), is a personal and private matter. We both have jobs, we're both college-educated, etc. :( I think they just majorly overstepped their bounds on this one.

"We need to be honest with you and let you know that your e-mail earlier today really caught us by surprise, and also caused a lot of pain to us both. Our loss is still so new - Friday marks just three weeks since the D&C - and to receive an e-mail like that from you, containing what it did, was very hard. Your closing sentence, "We felt you needed to know our position before you brought a child into this equation", hurt Erin very deeply - the fact is that there was a child, our child, and she is now gone. While that might be somewhat of a relief to you, since you clearly don't view us as ready for this, it was a life that we loved and had prayed for, months before she was conceived. When we start a family is something private and personal, and although you might have ideas or opinions on that, we ask respectfully that you please keep those to yourselves. We are adults, and while we have made some mistakes in the past, we do not view this pregnancy as one of them.

Another aspect of your e-mail that was hard to digest was that you have felt excluded from our lives. We haven't felt all that connected to you, either, but we do want to be. Geographical distance and busy schedules are to blame for any lack of communication on both sides - at no point have we shut you out because you wouldn't send us money. To know you think that of us is insulting. Also, we have sought your council on other topics outside of financial issues, such as our dogs, my schooling, job searches, and tense relationships with Erin's family. As we could recall, the only time we asked for your help in terms of actual money was when we fell behind in our mortgage and didn't know what to do. When we've called to ask you about other financial problems, there was never the intention to ask for a handout. To this day we have not received a dime in government assistance, although there have been times where we would have qualified. Both of us are eager to learn from past mistakes and move forward, but financial mistakes tend to take years to correct. To hear that you view us in this focused, negative light was a surprise, and while there isn't anything that we can do to change your minds on this, we are in fact doing much better and have been working with several different people towards even greater stability.

We respectfully ask that you do not bring your opinions on us having children up again - both of us had extremely difficult days at work after your e-mail came in, and to be honest, we really struggled in our response to you. The emotional trauma of what has happened is more than enough to handle at this time, and looking forward, we need to know that you will be supportive of us and that you will refrain from giving advice on something so personal unless we explicitly ask. God is the one we are looking to and trusting for the start of our family - not a blind trust, or one that neglects the responsibility we will have as parents, but one that acknowledges our role alongside His in bringing a new life into the world."

Alright, ladies - this is what I said back...

"We need to be honest with you and let you know that your e-mail earlier today really caught us by surprise, and also caused a lot of pain to us both. Our loss is still so new - Friday marks just three weeks since the D&C - and to receive an e-mail like that from you, containing what it did, was very hard. Your closing sentence, "We felt you needed to know our position before you brought a child into this equation", hurt Erin very deeply - the fact is that there was a child, our child, and she is now gone. While that might be somewhat of a relief to you, since you clearly don't view us as ready for this, it was a life that we loved and had prayed for, months before she was conceived. When we start a family is something private and personal, and although you might have ideas or opinions on that, we ask respectfully that you please keep those to yourselves. We are adults, and while we have made some mistakes in the past, we do not view this pregnancy as one of them.

Another aspect of your e-mail that was hard to digest was that you have felt excluded from our lives. We haven't felt all that connected to you, either, but we do want to be. Geographical distance and busy schedules are to blame for any lack of communication on both sides - at no point have we shut you out because you wouldn't send us money. To know you think that of us is insulting. Also, we have sought your council on other topics outside of financial issues, such as our dogs, my schooling, job searches, and tense relationships with Erin's family. As we could recall, the only time we asked for your help in terms of actual money was when we fell behind in our mortgage and didn't know what to do. When we've called to ask you about other financial problems, there was never the intention to ask for a handout. To this day we have not received a dime in government assistance, although there have been times where we would have qualified. Both of us are eager to learn from past mistakes and move forward, but financial mistakes tend to take years to correct. To hear that you view us in this focused, negative light was a surprise, and while there isn't anything that we can do to change your minds on this, we are in fact doing much better and have been working with several different people towards even greater stability.

We respectfully ask that you do not bring your opinions on us having children up again - both of us had extremely difficult days at work after your e-mail came in, and to be honest, we really struggled in our response to you. The emotional trauma of what has happened is more than enough to handle at this time, and looking forward, we need to know that you will be supportive of us and that you will refrain from giving advice on something so personal unless we explicitly ask. God is the one we are looking to and trusting for the start of our family - not a blind trust, or one that neglects the responsibility we will have as parents, but one that acknowledges our role alongside His in bringing a new life into the world."

I did write them back tonight (we sent it from DH's email, and we did both contribute to it although the lighter tone was all me - he was ready to lower the cannon, so to speak, and blow them away), and I posted what I sent to them in this thread. Do you think it was stern enough, without stooping?

Wow. Hats off to your incredible Daddy!!

I did write them back tonight (we sent it from DH's email, and we did both contribute to it although the lighter tone was all me - he was ready to lower the cannon, so to speak, and blow them away), and I posted what I sent to them in this thread. Do you think it was stern enough, without stooping?

Right you are. :/ There IS no right time, and while there are certainly, clearly WRONG times, I do not see our situation as one of those. Thank you for the permission to grieve & ache over this, and to vent my anger and frustration here. The more I can healthily communicate to a safe place, the less venom and raw emotion they'll get from me. I spent a good hour sobbing after we sent it - it just brought back everything so sharply from 3 weeks ago - but they don't need to know that. We told them we were deeply hurt, and if they have half a brain they'll apologize and we can move forward. What they choose to do remains to be seen, I guess.

Right you are. :/ There IS no right time, and while there are certainly, clearly WRONG times, I do not see our situation as one of those. Thank you for the permission to grieve & ache over this, and to vent my anger and frustration here. The more I can healthily communicate to a safe place, the less venom and raw emotion they'll get from me. I spent a good hour sobbing after we sent it - it just brought back everything so sharply from 3 weeks ago - but they don't need to know that. We told them we were deeply hurt, and if they have half a brain they'll apologize and we can move forward. What they choose to do remains to be seen, I guess.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for commiserating with me. If they had helped us in the past, that would be one thing. For them to refuse help (but definitely have the means) and refuse it because they think we're living a certain kind of 'lifestyle' (still no clue what they meant by that) is WRONG and this e-mail added insult to an old injury.

There's no way MIL was being supportive here - DH said he wouldn't be surprised if we get an e-mail or phone call in reply saying "you must have misunderstood".

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for commiserating with me. If they had helped us in the past, that would be one thing. For them to refuse help (but definitely have the means) and refuse it because they think we're living a certain kind of 'lifestyle' (still no clue what they meant by that) is WRONG and this e-mail added insult to an old injury.

There's no way MIL was being supportive here - DH said he wouldn't be surprised if we get an e-mail or phone call in reply saying "you must have misunderstood".

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