Kenny Boy goes to jail

Commentary: Former Enron chief's first day behind bars

By

BillMann

Editor's note: This is an update to fix a typographical error.

SAN FRANCISCO (MarketWatch) -- At the height of California's energy crisis in 2001, the state's attorney general, Bill Lockyer, famously said "I would love to personally escort Kenneth Lay to an 8-by-10 cell that he could share with a tattooed dude who says, 'Hi, my name is Spike, honey.'"

But the wheels of justice turn slowly, so even with Lay's conviction last week, it may be a while before Lockyer gets his wish.

Still, here's how that first day in prison may ultimately turn out.

June 25, 2009

With all appeals finally exhausted and no beds at minimum-security "Club Fed" prisons available, Lay is assigned to medium-security prison for 20 years. At this exclusive address, license plates, not plates du jour, are the creations.

8:05: Lay meets cellmate Leon "Bonecrusher" Smith, serving 20-30 for armed robbery and carjacking. "Lay is NOT a good name to have in prison," the blue-collared white-collar criminal is told. Lay is consoled by the fact that he's the smartest guy in THIS room, although certainly not the most athletic.

9:30: Lay's spirits boosted when he notices that the cell's sole TV has cable. Asks cellmate if it gets religion channels. Is brusquely informed it only gets "Cops," pro wrestling, and something called "The Metalworking Channel." Is told to shut pie hole.

10:15: Asks guard if the prison's exercise yard might be re-named Enron Field, since name is currently available. Possible revenue stream. Inmate Lay is again told to shut pie hole.

10:35: Lay assigned to first work detail -- breaking up a fight in the shower.

11:35: Lay treated by prison doctor for deep cuts and contusions and released back to cell, still woozy and muttering, "God is in control."

11:45: Lay complains to cellmate that "they didn't just throw the book at me, they threw the bookcase." Is told, "You must have me confused with someone who gives a rat's ass."

12:30: In prison lunchroom, is informed he doesn't meet moral standards needed to join Aryan Brotherhood. Wonders if he could saw through his cell bars with stale bread he's been served.

12:50: In exercise yard, is asked to replicate his lawyers' "ostrich defense" for fellow inmates. Is then given inmate nickname: "Easy."

1:15: Guy serving time for kiddie-porn refuses offer to shake hands with Lay.

1:45: Asks if prison serves his favorite breakfast, shredded wheat.

2:05: Notices that cell's wall hangings and general décor is strikingly different from Aspen condos.

2:10: During card game, makes mistake of trying to hire large Latino inmate to clean his cell.

2:15: Lay re-admitted to outpatient clinic.

3:05: Back in cell, Lay gets first "perk" since Enron days -- free magazine subscription, to Prison Industries Today.

3:20: "Don't call me a snitch!" Lay protests to another inmate. Inmate replies: "I didn't call you a 'snitch,' I called you a...."

3:30: Lay tries making a joke to ingratiate himself to another inmate working alongside him on license-plate stamping machines. "No one is more comfortable than I am being around cons," he chuckles. Lay rewarded for his punditry by having "New Jersey" and "The Garden State" stenciled on his chest. Is re-admitted to clinic.

5:00: At dinner, tries a display of bravado to show fellow inmates he's one of them. "I'm in here for 20 years. I stole $2 billion and cost 5,600 people their jobs," he boasts. Inmate next to him replies "I'm in here for 30 years for stealing $200 from a 7-11."

5:01: Lay leaves mess hall early to tidy up and remove mixture of chipped beef in gravy, lima beans, pound cake and steaming coffee dumped down his trousers.

5:30: Back in cell, wonders if nightly head-count figures might be inflated, making escape easier.

5:50: Carefully ponders plight of Enron employees who lost jobs, life savings when company collapsed.

5:51: Thinks of something else.

5:52: Wonders if he should have bribed judge, jurors in his case, using inflated earnings projections from sketchy offshore operations as bait.

6:45: Tells prison chaplain his father was a minister. Chaplain resolves to change denominations.

7:08: Asks name of scary-looking dude in next cell. Is told "Arthur Andersen."

Intraday Data provided by SIX Financial Information and subject to terms of use. Historical and current end-of-day data provided by SIX Financial Information. All quotes are in local exchange time. Real-time last sale data for U.S. stock quotes reflect trades reported through Nasdaq only. Intraday data delayed at least 15 minutes or per exchange requirements.