205… that number sounds so impossible, yet strangely familiar. I know this may sound bizarre, but both of my grandmother’s street addresses were 205. One in the state of Oklahoma… 205 Cleaver St. and the other in Arkansas… 205 North 18th St. This came to my mind as I was working out this morning because I was thinking about my grandmother in Oklahoma. She was the one who loved me with food. It was just her way. She also loved herself with food. She struggled her entire life with food issues as well and ultimately died of heart disease and diabetes. Father God, please let me learn from my grandmother who lived at 205… please let this number never be my “address” again.

Today is Christmas Eve and I just finished yet another binge. I am a wretched, tormented soul. 205. Binge after binge and now 205. I do not know what I am so fearful of that I cannot let this go. I keep negotiating with You… and myself… I will start after Christmas… I will start after the New Year. Why? What do I think is going to happen between now and then that will make a difference?
I have been preparing a Children’s sermon today and as I have been studying, it hit me. NOTHING. Nothing is going to just happen to make the difference. I am going to keep binging, keep feeling miserable, keep feeling overwhelmed by guilt, keep feeling depressed, keep hating the way I look and feel and keep going through the motions of this vicious cycle…. until I surrender. I have to face the reality that I cannot do this on my own. I can’t keep running to food instead of God. I don’t feel equipped to fight this battle. Truthfully, I don’t even want to. I want the end result, but I have battled this demon for so many years, I’m having trouble finding the desire. God, please help me. Please give me the desire to surrender this fight to You. I can’t do it alone. I need you.

Romans 1:1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.