None of you understood Chris like I understood him. Sure, he was a black kid from the south and I’m a white guy from Massachusetts, but we had so much in common. We both had that dream of nailing prime teenage ass. Because there’s no ass like teenage ass. I understood that, and Chris understood that, too. And now he’s gone.

I’m saddened that Chris never had a chance to finish up his NFL career, because all of the girls out there that are like 9 or 10 years old now would have been 16 or 17 by the time his playing days were over. And really, there’s no better way to cap a 1,000-yard receiving season than by realizing all the juicy pre-pubescent tail that’s on its way down the pike in the autumn of your career.

People tried to change Chris. They said, “Hey Chris, you should really wait until some of these girls turn 18.” I don’t know why they said that. I don’t like women that get involved in politics, anyway. And neither did Chris. That’s what made him so special. That and his penchant for the little ladies with naturally bald beavers. Can I say beavers? I think so. That’s the way Chris would have wanted it.

Chris, I know you can hear me up in heaven. Even in that somewhat run-down section of heaven that they reserve for black people. And I just want you to know…I just want you…Oh, God, I promised I wouldn’t do this…I want you to know that you’re an inspiration to all of us…That the middle schools of this country have lost a great loiterer…that forever you shall…I just…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…

While I never come here for perspective from the moral high ground I can’t abide this. Not funny and bad form. Apologies for being that guy.

12.17.09 at 11:02 am

dudebro

I was honestly more suprised to learn that until today, Chris Henry was NOT dead.

At least he lived long enough to bury his career!

/joining all of you in hell

12.17.09 at 11:03 am

Intrusivity

Update your keeper leagues accordingly.

12.17.09 at 11:06 am

Tracer Bullet

Wow. This vaults right to the top of the most inappropriate things ever posted at KSK. I’d like an aisle seat on the bus to hell because I laughed my ass off.

Also, we really need more of Mark Chmura’s thoughts on the important topics of the day.

12.17.09 at 11:07 am

scottro

/pours out 40 of Old E

12.17.09 at 11:11 am

My Rock and Fantasy Redeemer - Breesus

Wow.

But seriously, how does a grown ass man making NFL money fall out the back of a truck…what, he couldn’t afford to ride up front?

12.17.09 at 11:16 am

LendaleWhite'sDietician

Chris Henry still played the game of football?

12.17.09 at 11:17 am

yeah, right?

Seriously! Who would laugh at this?

/raises hand
//Henry is available in 85% of all leagues. The other 15% are his offspring.
///Naturally bald beavers?

12.17.09 at 11:18 am

Loleini's Stair Car

Intrusivity:
I’m in NFL, MLB and NHL dynasty leagues with the same group of guys. I lost Nick Adenhart earlier this year and now Henry, I’m just waiting for the “3rd of 3″ to fall in my hockey league. I should trade for every Detroit Red Wing ASAP.

12.17.09 at 11:25 am

85

Punter, your tag has never been more appropriate. Sweet Jesus, he’s still room temperature.

/pours one out
//into the mouth of a 10th grader
///not quite as dirty as it sounds

12.17.09 at 11:30 am

kuanes

@player2bemaimedlater “While I never come here for perspective from the moral high ground I can’t abide this. Not funny and bad form. Apologies for being that guy.”

/said the guy with that screenname.

12.17.09 at 11:41 am

Lawrence

NO DEATH WILL EVAH BE AS TRAGIC AS TEDDY FACKIN’ KENNEDY’S! HE WAS OW-UH WHITE, GRITTY, ALCOHOLIC, GIRLFRIEND-MURDAHIN’ SENATAH! THIS DAHHHKIE IS TRYING TO STEAL HIS HEADLINES!

12.17.09 at 11:42 am

Ross da Boss

I thought you all had a little more class than this.

12.17.09 at 11:42 am

player2bemaimedlater

@kuanes

Hm, I see your point. Still didn’t laugh.

12.17.09 at 11:47 am

beer wench

hmmmmmmmmm….. 2 parts fucked up, 0.5 parts giggle inducing.

12.17.09 at 11:47 am

Coal Crackin' Skulls

@ bary busey – awesome, he looks like he lost a chromosome somewhere in the past few years.

12.17.09 at 11:57 am

85

@ Ross da Boss: Based on what, exactly, did you make that judgment? The “jeez punter” tag is full of more bad taste than your mom’s box.

12.17.09 at 12:03 pm

Rocco

That was awesome.

12.17.09 at 12:13 pm

Jeff Garcia's Agent

Just……wow

12.17.09 at 12:19 pm

Living with Balls

wow you guys didn’t waste anytime

12.17.09 at 12:26 pm

yeatdog

Will he be buried in his knock-off #15 jersey from Target that he was arrested in?

12.17.09 at 12:32 pm

Quentin LogJammin'

+elevendy 85

12.17.09 at 12:32 pm

ChiliDog

in math terms i say this is not funny to the infinite power.

12.17.09 at 12:33 pm

Drave

@Busey: He’s a Research Assistant, he’s been there 4 years, and his bio is coming soon. Killer.

Killer post, BTW.
I needed a side of “statutory rape” to go with my “dumbass falls out the bed of a speeding truck” entree.

12.17.09 at 12:34 pm

2Port

and just when everyone was jumping on the Bengals bandwagon…

12.17.09 at 12:54 pm

Steve

I’m sure he’s in heaven right now, looking down at us (assuming we’re all 16-year old girls in the shower), smiling.

12.17.09 at 1:05 pm

phreshone

If you told me at the beginning of the year Henry would get killed this year, I would have suspected there would be a good chance there was something humorous involved… This, not so much… in fact it sucks…

12.17.09 at 1:13 pm

Jackie Treehorn

+1 2port

and to everyone who is ‘offended’ at this post: fuck you.

seriously: fuck you.

we’re going to be inundated by soft-focus stories on Chris Henry for the next week. KSK provides actual balance to the dreck you’re going to be spoon-fed.

seriously – try and find the details of Henry’s actual transgressions on any mainstream sports site. You can’t.

KSK – thanks for keeping the flame alive.

12.17.09 at 1:19 pm

Woody

Way too soon, way inappropriate. But I laughed anyways, because I’m a douchebag like that.

I also want to second the calls for more thoughts from Mark Chmura on the topics of the day. His story truly is an under-referenced one. Also he’s got a radio ad that runs in Milwaukee that’s absolute gold. I don’t remember what it’s for, but at some point he says that the most important thing to him is family. Brilliant marketing strategy by that company

12.17.09 at 1:27 pm

Slash

It is kinda nice to see athletes’ wives/girlfriends evening up the odds a little. I mean, they’re gonna have to kill/attempt to kill quite a few more players to get it at 50/50, but still… good start.

Doesn’t Travis Henry have a ton of bitches, at least some of whom have gotta be mad at him for something? Why hasn’t something like this happened to him by now?

12.17.09 at 1:37 pm

StuScottBooyahs

Sweet Jesus, he’s still room temperature.

Small point of contention I suppose, but aren’t all dead people room temperature?

12.17.09 at 1:40 pm

Enrico Pallazzo

At least he died doing the two things that he loved most: arguing with women and breaking the law.

/seriously, assholes, this guy is a sex offender

12.17.09 at 1:47 pm

85

Small point of contention I suppose, but aren’t all dead people room temperature?

Oh look everyone, it’s the corpse police!

Fair enough. Maybe it should’ve been “He’s not even room temperature yet.”

12.17.09 at 1:50 pm

StuScottBooyahs

/seriously, assholes, this guy is a sex offender

But now he’s dead. So that means everyone has to talk about what a wonderful person he is who may have had his faults BUT HE WAS FUNDAMENTALLY A GOOD PERSON AND TRIED TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST.

12.17.09 at 1:58 pm

85

But now he’s dead. So that means everyone has to talk about what a wonderful person he is who may have had his faults BUT HE WAS FUNDAMENTALLY A GOOD PERSON AND TRIED TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST.

AND WHO IN NO WAY LOOKED LIKE A TRANNY.

12.17.09 at 1:59 pm

MetalGod

Fantasy football players say he was a wasted pick-up….turns out the pick up wasted him. Not the first time he was …ejected…but it was the last.

12.17.09 at 2:01 pm

Chest Rockwell

I’m sorry, how is Chris Henry’s death less surprising than Sean Taylor’s?

12.17.09 at 2:06 pm

StuScottBooyahs

Mike Wilbon is not at all surprised by this, and is writing a column as we speak.

12.17.09 at 2:07 pm

F'(x)

@Jackie FWIW, I think your response was a little harsh. People have the right to be offended as I have the right to laugh. (I personally went with the 4 hours of mourning for a b/u, 8 hrs for a starter joke-unless it’s Braylon in which you drop a few in memoriam.) Let people be offended, not – who cares? If we laugh let us laugh about it. Finally- zombie Sean Taylor or zombie chris henry – who ya got?

12.17.09 at 2:18 pm

Scruffz

“and to everyone who is ‘offended’ at this post: fuck you.

seriously: fuck you.

we’re going to be inundated by soft-focus stories on Chris Henry for the next week. KSK provides actual balance to the dreck you’re going to be spoon-fed.”

Seriously? Everyone knows what Henry did. The point is that he was finally getting his life back on track. Just because you’re alive and well means that it’s cool to joke around about a 26 year old father of three who was taken away way too soon?

I’d like you to print this sad excuse for an article and tape it to the locker of every Bengals player. Then we can see how much they agree with your extremely stupid justification. Chances are you wouldn’t come out in very good shape.

I really don’t want to sound like the moral police, because I love coming to this site. But honestly, there are just some things I feel you shouldn’t joke about, and the death of anybody is right at #1.

12.17.09 at 2:24 pm

Tim Was Tim

Jeez, Andrea Kramer looks like she’s looking at Tom Brady in that pic.

12.17.09 at 2:36 pm

Nathan Hale

I thought this was a bit too soon, but hell, it’s not my blog.

And we see once again that the best way to have people forget your transgressions is to die- cough Michael Jackson cough.

That being said, RIP #15.

12.17.09 at 2:37 pm

Reggie Bush's Pimp

Jeez Punte, that’s just perfect!

/let’s go to Hell y’all!

12.17.09 at 2:48 pm

ravens are teh best

Wilbon says that Chris Henry had it coming a la Sean Taylor.

12.17.09 at 3:03 pm

PUNTE

Just because you’re alive and well means that it’s cool to joke around about a 26 year old father of three who was taken away way too soon?

Do I need another reason? How about all of the phony reverence for a guy that fucked up his own life so badly that he nearly got his dick stuck in a cloud? I don’t care how old he was or how many kids he had.

I’d like you to print this sad excuse for an article and tape it to the locker of every Bengals player. Then we can see how much they agree with your extremely stupid justification. Chances are you wouldn’t come out in very good shape.

Printing out this post 60+ times would waste a lot of paper. Don’t you care about the environment? I would like to think that the team is savvy enough to find my “justification” online, where my contact information is available on the site’s sidebar. But I don’t have to justify this to them. Or to you.

I really don’t want to sound like the moral police,

Too late.

because I love coming to this site.

Thanks for your patronage. We appreciate it.

But honestly, there are just some things I feel you shouldn’t joke about, and the death of anybody is right at #1.

You’ll understand that I obviously don’t share your opinion. Perhaps you should be aware that people can use humor to grieve in their own ways. But we’ll keep your stance in mind in the event of any openings on our editorial board. Thanks for commenting.

Babyfucker.

12.17.09 at 3:23 pm

Bouj

Fabian Washington broke Chris Henry’s arm in Week 9, sending him to IR. If Henry isn’t on IR, he is in Cincinnati getting ready for the game this week, not off fighting with his fiancee.

(perhaps a wee bit of a stretch, but it’s always appropriate to blame Baltimore…)

12.17.09 at 3:36 pm

Mixhail

Punter is keeping it classy again. First the many Nick Adenhardt jokes (which I personally hated, since the girl driving was my good friend), and now we have this.

eh, keep this crap on With Leather since you’ve done a great job running that blog into the ground.

12.17.09 at 3:44 pm

john madden's used condom

Am I the only one who gets pissed when someone says “they were taken before their time”? Who the fuck are you to determine at what time in a person’s life they should die?

Get off your damn moral highhorse

12.17.09 at 3:45 pm

Schuyler's Boat

@Mixhail
A. No one gives a shit you knew the girl who was driving in the Nick Adenhart crash. We all have people in our lives who are hurt or have died in horrific accidents.
B. If you don’t like it stop coming to the site and crying. Whether it’s been 5 minutes or 5 years after a person died it shouldn’t matter whether you’re making fun of it. The person is dead and joking or not joking about it will do nothing to change that. You can however change your tampon.

12.17.09 at 4:06 pm

SirSuperDank

I curse thee! fuckers you couldnt even wait a day?

12.17.09 at 4:12 pm

sultanofslot

This is incredible.

12.17.09 at 5:10 pm

Brady's a Douchebag

@Punter
Totally awesome as always. Don’t feel like you have to justify this work of art to those without a sense of humor. It was spectacular!

12.17.09 at 5:53 pm

Chris Henry's Toe Tag

All of you are horribly disgusting people.. Why can’t you show some respect to the dead pedophile?

12.17.09 at 7:21 pm

CHTT's Mom Stanks

The important thing to remember when trying to be funny is to actually be funny. And they ain’t much out there funnier than a serial moron falling out of the back of a pickup truck.

Someone should, however, take a flat-bladed coal shovel to the side of Chris Henry’s Toe Tag’s face.

For staining a perfectly good bit of offensiveness with the manifestation of your repressed fantasies about every black man you’ve ever seen, fuck you, goober.

12.17.09 at 7:23 pm

Old Gregg

Awkwarrrrd

12.17.09 at 7:29 pm

MetalGod

I heard Tiger was driving the truck…

12.17.09 at 8:00 pm

MetalGod

Bengals are going to retire the number F-150.

12.17.09 at 9:48 pm

Mike

Why wasn’t he secured in the back?Jeesh Hill Williams never learn to secure the trash in the back of a moving truck

12.17.09 at 9:52 pm

Conrad Dobler

Is there some sort of time stamp that makes it okay to joke about dead assholes? Whether he’s dead five minutes or five years, dead is dead. Can’t believe the amount of sensitive douche bags this site brings in. You’d think the amount of horrible content this site produces would wash them out.

Chris Henry was an asshole who didn’t appreciate the one thing he did somewhat well – catch a football. Fuck him, can’t believe he made it to 26. This has to be the sign that the Bengals will somehow miss the playoffs. (Pleads and begs God for, despite the lack of respect for the recently deceased which seems to be a priority among those who post here.)

12.17.09 at 11:15 pm

Billy

You can say what you want about whether or not it’s acceptable to make fun of dead people in general shortly after their deaths. Personally, I say dead is dead; it’s not like they’re going to be offended. I also have a very dark, morbid, and offensive sense of humor. I personally found jokes about say, Heath Ledger funny shortly after he died, but he didn’t seem like a bad guy so I can at least understand people’s outrage.

However, I never understood why people suddenly give respect to the recently deceased even though they clearly don’t deserve it. Although Michael Jackson was never found guilty, the world seemed to hate him shortly before his passing – the public consensus seems to be that he was, in fact, a pedophile and child rapist. Then he died and people started mourning for no reason. I’m not saying Jackson was guilty or not, but I was honestly shocked at the sudden change of public opinion just since he died.

I’m saying this with complete seriousness – to the people who are expressing outrage at these jokes, stop being so politically correct and realize the truth. Unless you are in his immediate family (and it seems like most people these days are) or a Bengals fan, you should be happy that he’s dead. The world is a far better place without him in it.

12.17.09 at 11:52 pm

Marquys Johnson

goodby and good ridance!!!!1

12.18.09 at 1:33 am

RickAfterDark

Great post. Brilliant satire. There is a tragedy here, and it’s that this douchebag refused to grow up and handle his shit. And because of that, three kids are going to grow up without a father and all of the financial support he would have provided (had he not been such an immature shithead). He deserves exactly zero sympathy. It would have been one thing to act like a child if he hadn’t gone out and had three of his own, but to do so as a father is pathetic. Clearly this guy only “cleaned up his act” as an attempt to salvage his NFL career. Let’s save the reverence for people who deserve it. Just because Chris Henry is dead doesn’t make him one iota less of an asshole. Hell, the circumstances make him more of one.

12.18.09 at 7:13 am

Roman Polanski

Tasteless… unlike naturally bald beavers.

12.18.09 at 8:10 am

ChiliDog

it isn’t that the man is dead as much as this shit just ain’t funny, dead or alive.

12.18.09 at 8:13 am

Heid the Ba'

Mark Chmura is a “reseacrh assistant” at a small law firm. Isn’t that a job highschoolers do before they go to . . . never mind.

12.18.09 at 9:52 am

James Harrison will taste manflesh!

Chmura should get a rotating guest spot with God and Andy Rooney in the “explains this week in the NFL” column.

Re: Chris Henry. He was a little bit younger than Michael Jackson, and he chased tail that was a little bit older. So overall I am slightly sadder about his death. Since my reaction to MJ’s death was a fist pump, I naturally laughed my ass off at Chmura’s eulogy.

12.18.09 at 10:10 am

Mike D

@RickAfterDark – Yikes guy. Calm that down a bit. While it’s true that the public image of Chris Henry was of a very immature thug, none of us knew him. I’m a jackass just like the rest of y’all, but “judge not lest ye be judged” does come to mind.

It’s never OK to “celebrate” someone’s death. The guy may have been a knucklehead (yes I know only uncles use that word) but he had people who loved him, a mother who is now heartbroken and children who will grow up without a father.

This post wasn’t exactly in the best taste (it was funny, though) but it wasn’t “wrong” per se. However, anyone who says Chris Henry dying made them laugh or made them happy seriously needs to re-evaluate their morals, because that ish is messed up.

RIP Chris Henry – I’ll miss debating whether to take you in the 8th round of my fantasy draft

12.18.09 at 11:05 am

Steve

@Mike D – I disagree. While I realize that this is an extreme comparison, would you have celebrated Hitler’s death? I know I would. I’m not saying that I’m celebrating his (Henry’s) death, but I’m not in the least bit sad about it. Granted, I don’t exactly shed a tear when I read in the paper that some random 28-year old died in a traffic collision, but I don’t think to myself, “Well, at least the world is rid of one more high-profile jackass” and that was essentially my first thought when I heard about Henry.

Chris Henry seemed to be, at best, a misunderstood man with problems who was arrested quite a few times. At worst, he was a complete and utter jackass with no respect for the law or others who continually endangered people around him, assaulted a few people for terrible reasons, and intoxicated underage girls for the purpose of sex and was lucky that he was never convicted of rape.

Personally, I think the truth is closer to the complete jackass spectrum than the misunderstood spectrum, but I didn’t know the guy. While it’s possible that he turned over a new leaf and suddenly became an honorable, law-abiding citizen, leopards don’t change their spots. Additionally, look at the way he did die: he fell out of the bed of a truck that his fiancee was driving. Given his background, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to find out that he was trying to hit her, she ran from him, he chased after her, and somehow they both wound up in the truck and he refused to let go.

Besides, the way that he died is, at some level, a bit humorous. It’s not as funny as any Darwin Award winners, but that goes to show that sometimes, people die in humorous ways and it’s perfectly fine to laugh at it.

12.18.09 at 2:01 pm

Big Black Richard

This blog entry was totally tasteless. It was also funny as hell, and the level of irreverence reminded me why I love this site so much.

Chris Henry: Darwin Award Winner. I don’t care if he has tried to turn his life around over the past year, the fact is that given his history of poor decision making over the course of his life, it’s absolutely not a surprise that he jumped in the back of a moving truck driven by a woman who was angry at him, and never once stopped to think, “Wait a minute, this is probably a bad idea.”

Can we have it happen the Jerramy Stevens next? Please?

12.18.09 at 2:38 pm

Biggus Rickus

I was just about to prove Godwin’s Law again by bringing Hitler into the argument, and fuck if Steve didn’t beat me to it. Kudos.

When you say “that was essentially my first thought when I heard about Henry.” I mean as Chris Rock would joke, “that’s how you was raised”… my first thought was “oh man..that sucks…what a waste…those poor kids”. When Billy above comments:

“Unless you are in his immediate family (and it seems like most people these days are) or a Bengals fan, you should be happy that he’s dead. The world is a far better place without him in it.”

That is damn COLD and assumptive. We knew what the media told us about Chris. Look at Tiger Woods – how much do we really know about celebrities? If you asked anyone about Tiger 2 months ago we’d say “dude’s boring. Great golfer, family man, etc, etc.” and then because of this site we’d probably make a wanking motion.

It’s easy for us to sit behind our computers when Henry was arrested and judge from on high, but we don’t know shit about who he was, what he would accomplish in his future, who knows, Chris could have been the best father out there to his kids (all 47 of em).

All I’m saying is while we can debate ad nauseum the merits of his life, how big of a dumbass he was, how jumping in the back of a moving truck is not a good decision, no one should be HAPPY HE DIED. Chris Henry was a father, son, friend to SOMEONE. That’s all that matters in the end. You don’t need to be sad, but say you were a friend of Henry’s and saw this post – would you be upset? Damn rights you would.

This post bordered on bad taste, but that’s OK because it wasn’t mean-spirited or intended to be a judgment on Chris Henry the man, just referencing some of the dumb-ass shit he’s done. But to comment afterward “I’m glad he’s dead” or “the world is better off without him”, to me, shows a lack of compassion for another human being and I think you seriously need to re-evaluate your morals man.

Eeeks..now we’re getting into arguments on the worth of a human life and that was 100% not my intention. On the bright side, I just spent 30 minutes of my workday writing this reply and not working. TAKE THAT COMPANY THAT PAYS ME!

12.18.09 at 7:12 pm

Mike D

Wow that was a long post…sorry

//does the Charleston while juggling

12.18.09 at 8:01 pm

Steve

I know that the Hitler comparison was extreme, that was just to prove a point – there are occasions when people would unabashedly cheer on somebody’s death. Hitler was one such person. I do not think Chris Henry was anywhere near as vile as Hitler was, and I don’t think anyone is legitimately cheering on his death. And yes, we don’t know how celebrities actually are in person, but he was convicted of all of those heinous crimes. Personally, I find it highly unlikely that he was a good person because of his involvement in those crimes.

Of course somebody that knew and liked Chris Henry would be upset from reading the comments section of Kissing Suzy Kolber. Of course, if somebody in a sad mood read an article about whatever was making the unhappy on this site, well, that person made a very poor life decision. The Internet in general is full of people who make comments they’d never say out loud. I’m actually kind of surprised I haven’t read a black joke here – not because I think the world is full of racists, but since a lot of people seem to enjoy trolling and making offensive remarks just to get a rise out of people. The Internet gives complete anonymity, so people can say whatever they feel like and have hardly any repercussions. Aside from my first name, you don’t know a thing about me, and even that could be a lie.

I think Billy’s language was a bit harsh, and I could have been more tactful in choosing my own phrasing, but again: you’re on the comments section of an article full of jokes about a man who died less than 48 hours ago. I really think that if you’re trying to convince people about whether or not something is morally acceptable, you’re preaching to the wrong choir.

12.18.09 at 8:03 pm

Monday Morning Punter

One final thought here:

I am truly sad that Chris Henry is gone. But he was no fucking hero. Let’s be honest. I would have liked to see the guy finish out his career. But which step in the process of “getting his life back on track” involves riding in the bed of moving pickup with a cast on one arm?

Showing irreverence for the recently deceased is a time-honored tradition here. It will continue.

Though if this was a Chris Henry post about the death of Mark Chmura, I wonder if the indignation would be on the same level.

Thanks for all the comments. Even the one about Hitler, who Carson Palmer said was really misunderstood.

-Josh

12.18.09 at 8:26 pm

Drave

You can however change your tampon
God damn fucking right.

12.28.09 at 6:17 pm

Yo Amo a Bonnie

THE (sorry) the woman in the picture is amazed by how big the guy is…and thinking how big it might be…will it feel painful?