i started dating someone and then found out he is a submissive. since prying that information out of him (which i already suspected anyway), i have taken on the role of his mistress. i never pictured myself in this role-- prior to this, if i ever had any fantasies about d/s, i was in the submissive position. however, now that we have been together for a couple of months, i am really starting to enjoy denying and humiliating him on a regular basis. BUT as i get deeper into my role, it has become more obvious to me why there are so many more stories around about d/s in long-term relationships/marriages instead of short term ones. the level of trust required in a d/s relationship is extraordinary. he is an excellent slave and will do whatever i tell him to do within the confines of sexuality (this is not a 24/7 setup... yet)

the issue we are presently facing is that i am not yet fully comfortable in my role as mistress. i still prefer that he come on a regular basis and feel inadequate if he does not. i have tried ordering him to come before but once it did not work and have not done it since, as i was embarrassed that i could not force him to come. however, i don't feel comfortable in voicing my present hesitancy to him for two reasons-- 1) i think it is temporary and 2) i think it would "ruin" it for him if i did.. even though he probably already senses it anyway, at times.

he also enjoys dressing in women's clothes. last week, i made him do it for me for the first time and, after a few hours of him prancing around the house in a skirt and fishnets, asked him if doing it for someone else was like he had thought about it for the last 10 years (this was his first time doing it for me or anybody else at all). he said no, that he felt much more laid-back than he anticipated. i think he was getting off on the fact that it's a "weird" thing to do but i don't actually find it weird at all and so did not treat him that way. instead, i told him how good he looked (in many different ways) and i really meant it. i also told him how slutty he is... as he really did look like a slut. i quite liked how he looked and the undercurrent of my power over him even when we were just sitting there chatting about normal things.

in short, i feel i am on my way to being fully dominant... i am surprising myself with this behavior; it is something he brought out of me. but i also think my present lack of complete confidence is stemming from the fact that he has had submissive fantasies for a good ten to fifteen years (he is ten years older than i am) and that i have only been thinking dominantly for a few weeks. he has only had one other mistress in the past and has told me that we are already further into it than he was with her.

the final issue is that he does not enjoy s/m, but i like to see him squirm. i will scratch him (enough to leave a mark but not draw blood) and that is already uncomfortable for him. i also want a little knife play but have not yet broached the subject as i know it will be too much for him. i also want to tie him up and leave him in the next room for awhile. the problem is that he is very squeamish all the time and i feel i should respect his boundaries as we are still at a relatively early point in our relationship.

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Firstly, communication is absolutely paramount. The cardinal sin of BDSM relationships is not communicating because of your respective roles; both of your comfort and pleasure are important. Just tell him that the orgasm denial thing isn't really working out for you. (That said, just keep in mind, if your concern is that you're inadequate at pleasing him or something if he doesn't cum on a regular basis, that for a sub it's often more fulfilling to be denied orgasm!).

In that vein, I did indeed have to talk to my Master about my orgasm denial- he had eased up on it, and I had felt myself slipping out of my role more and more often, and no longer felt as owned as I once did (you can read more about it on my blog at physicalsophistry.blogspot.com </shameless plug>). He at length said that he didn't realize what effects it was having on me, and ratcheted the denial back up. Even though I am the submissive, it was important for me to communicate what was going on in my head to him, though the final decision rested with him. I feel that you should have a similar talk with your boyfriend, even if it's for the exact opposite reason as mine.

As for the S&M stuff, you can tell him about your desire for knife play, but you're right that it would probably be too much for him. I know that I view knife play as the most intimidating form of S&M (something that's currently on my list of hard limits), and I would imagine that many others feel the same. That said, there are other ways to introduce him to S&M in a less intimidating way... clothespins on the nipples for awhile, spanking (though bear in mind that for some people, like me, it's just an aggravation). I'd highly reccomend a flogger like the ones here http://www.flogger.com/products/deer.htm (though bear in mind that they're the premium, very expensive ones; you can surely find ones for cheaper), as they can often trigger a lot of the psychological turn-ons of masochism, but won't be too painful for him unless you really put your back into it.

As for your idea about tying him up and leaving him, it would be more prudent to talk with him about it beforehand, but hotter just to do it. Your call, but you should be perfectly safe if you make sure he has a safeword and are within listening distance at all times while he's tied up.