We often feel like our ex will never come back. We look at everything we've done wrong and think, there's no way they would come back to me after the way I treated them. So why would your ex come back? Why would your ex give you a second chance? We talk about those reasons in this video.

In Today’s video we're going to be talking about why would my ex come back to me? That's a big question. It is a big question and when you think about it, it's probably a scary question,

Margaret: 00:52 right? If you say, why would my ex come back to me? You're looking, you're asking me to really think about what I think I have to offer. Yeah, well what I had to offer her

Craig: 01:03 or him, so I've got a quick email that I want to go to and then we're going to talk about it. All right, so they said, hi coach. I wanted to start off by saying you and Margaret are the best coaches I found on youtube.

Craig: 01:20 The videos have been really eyeopening and I started the workbooks and love them. One of the big things I've struggled with is this, why, what my ex ever come back to me. I was with my girlfriend for three years. I am just now realizing how terrible I was as her boyfriend. Oh, I've been feeling very depressed. As I look back. I used to yell at her all the time. I didn't call her names. I was just impatient with her. I neglected her and it's been going on for a long time. I really didn't know how to make her feel loved. After watching the video on that, I really thought there's no way she's coming back and he's referring to the video I did. How to make her feel loved. I'm guessing she said she still cares about me, but it's tired of how I made her feel.

Craig: 02:24 When I pushed her to talk about it more, she said she was done talking about it. She got angry and then said, how many times have we had this discussion? You didn't hear what I had to say then why would you care now that hurt you could imagine that are, uh, I'm doing the work books and they're helping a lot. I've already made a lot of changes and I'm saving up to do a skype with you in the next few weeks. I've just been having such a hard time. She will ever come back. I don't blame her if she doesn't. Well, first of all, I think one of the things that we do in this situation is we assess everything we did wrong, right? And a lot of our energy goes into that as we start thinking about everything we said that was wrong or did that was wrong. All the complaints that they had on why they broke up with us and we magnify them,

Coach Margaret: 03:31 but in this man's behalf and good for him, he's willing to look at whatever is his fault and that's refreshing and that will help you. Absolutely. Most people say, I don't know what I did. This guy is saying, I know what I did. I can see what I did. I take responsibility for and I'm trying to change good for him

Craig: 03:53 and that's the best thing you can do, but that doesn't happen. Magically know, right? You're having to force yourself to really look at who you are in your romantic relationships and maybe how selfish you've been. Yeah. And that's a tough thing to look at.

Margaret: 04:08 Yes it is. Yes it is. And the other thing that you'd be surprised people have a very difficult time time answering is can you say three good things about yourself? I gave up asking for three. I went to two and people still had such trouble. I now settled for one. Can you say a good thing about yourself? And some people really have to struggle. Um, you know, I go to work on time, we'll do, um, you know, I try heart, I clean up after myself. There were all kinds of, even very little things that we do well every day and those are important too. But as you say, when you're in a beat yourself up phase, it's hard to see any of those. Right?

Craig: 04:52 Absolutely. It's very hard because you're overwhelmed by guilt and depression. Right. And you can't think about what you did, right? Because all you're sitting, you want to punish yourself. Yeah. You're like, ah, this person away. Yeah.

Margaret: 05:08 Listen, stupid. What did you do that for?

Craig: 05:11 Yeah. Yeah. It's hard. It's very hard, and you've got to realize that love is incredibly powerful. Attachment is incredibly powerful. I don't think there's anything more powerful than the bond. I think there is either. We have with each other and you know, even though your ex may say to you, I'm never going to talk to you again, I don't want to see you right now. I don't want to hear from you right now. It doesn't mean that they're going to stay feeling like that forever. People change their mind all the time. Good point. Yup. People's feelings change all the time and having some time to reflect on that. And when you give them the space to have that freedom and you're no longer chasing them or begging them to be in your life, they're going to sit back and think about, well, you know what? They did bring a lot to my life too, and I don't know if I want to go on with them either or without them either. Right,

Margaret: 06:12 right. But you could hear in this one. She was desperate. She was talking to him. Okay. For Awhile, but then she got exasperated and said, we've had this conversation 100 times. I'm not doing it again. You didn't hear me before. Why do I think you'll hear me? No, except I think he did hear her this time. Yes, it's a little bit late, but maybe not too late.

Craig: 06:30 Well, I think a lot of people listening, um, they have been told over and over and over again by the x when they were together. You're not changing. You're not fixing this. You're not hearing me. And you didn't take it seriously. Right. You always have to take your partner's needs seriously. Always, always, always. It's part of a relationship and maintaining it. It's 24 slash seven, three 65. It's not waiting for somebody to show up at your door with a letter handing you instructions. You got to know to do this from now on because if you don't, why would they stay with you? Do we know what this lady was complaining about? Only what they said here.

Margaret: 07:13 Okay. All right. But obviously she didn't feel like he was hearing her. Yes. Maybe you don't spend enough time with me. You don't talk to me about what's going on in your life. All of those kinds of things. I'm sure.

Craig: 07:25 Well, he did say that he yelled at her a lot and he was impatient and he neglected her for a long time. Okay. Okay. So you know, one of the things that Margaret said earlier is really important for you to think about and that's thinking about what you have to offer. Yes. Okay. You always have to think about what you have to offer. People aren't obligated to be in a relationship with you. Right? They don't see it sound like you say you're my girlfriend and now and that's it for now and forever. No, you've got to make them want to stay with you all the time. Not, you know, you don't have to be perfect all the time. You can't, but you've got to do your best to be conscious of the relationship.

Margaret: 08:09 It doesn't sound like this fella asked himself how things were going and he certainly didn't ask her how things were going and if she didn't complain then he probably thought everything was okay until she finally said, but she did complain. She's saying, yeah,

Craig: 08:24 and one of the things that you know, someone like in this situation might say, his life changed now. Now I've changed. Well, you haven't changed. You're aware of the problem, but that doesn't mean you've changed. Real change takes time and work

Margaret: 08:39 and you know, this guy may come from a family where that worked for everybody for a lifetime. His parents might've been perfectly happy that way, but the lady he was with was not having any of it. She was not having any of it,

Craig: 08:52 but nobody's going to expect you to be perfect all the time. They love you and your imperfections just like you loved your ex. Would their imperfections and things that made you nuts or pissed you off or made you sad or frustrated all the time. But at the end of the day, you love somebody and you love who they are in your life and oftentimes when they don't have you anymore and they're scared to lose you, they really reevaluate and reassess that. And it's hard to believe that when the person has just told you, I don't want to talk to ever again, I never want to see you ever again. I'm never going to give you another chance. Right?

Margaret: 09:34 And you believe it. Of course, particularly if you're this gentleman and you're aware of what you've done, but it may not be forever.

Craig: 09:40 No. And you know, one of the things that we talked about in the video the other day is that, you know, when somebody is telling you, I don't want to talk to you right now, I'm never going to date you again. It's because you haven't respected their boundary and their decision and people do not like it when you impose your will onto their decision

Margaret: 10:05 when you try to. That's absolutely right. And that goes for both men and women. Yeah.

Craig: 10:09 That would be like Margaret and I saying, okay, we're only going to coach people from now on. If you shaved your head at the beginning of the skype, that's right. Change your socks. Some of you guys would say, I'll see my head mom ready to do it. So you're going to be like, well, I'm not going to shake my hand. I don't want to do that. We'll see. No, you don't want to be told what to do. That's our point. Yep. And you have to.

Margaret: 10:32 Nobody wants to be too. And we have to remember, remember that human beings have to, per founder urges, one to be connected and one to be independent and we have to figure out a way to get both and to respect both, right? Yeah,

Craig: 10:47 absolutely. Yeah, but you know, you think about your relationship with your parents and your caregivers, right? Think about your mom. Your mom probably drove you crazy and she probably did certain things that made you feel so nuts inside. You're like, I can't take it. I hate when my mom does this.

Margaret: 11:05 Pick up your shocks and take out the trash at exactly the same time.

Craig: 11:08 Yup. Everybody's mom or dad has quirks and does things that just make you nuts. Right? But you still love them, right? You still wouldn't trade them for another mom. Well, if somebody, you guys might, but for the most part, mostly you would. Wouldn't you say, despite that I still loved them. They still love me and that's the same thing with romantic love, right? If you love somebody and you care about them, you know you can get to a point where you're frustrated and you're fed up and you don't think things are gonna change or that you're going to change, but you can and if you do them.

Margaret: 11:45 Yeah, anybody can at any time of life if you choose,

Craig: 11:49 if you work on yourself and make improvements and weight and your patient for that opportunity to show them again and display the behaviors of somebody that is confident and and can do the things that they were hoping they got the first time around, they're going to revisit it. They're going to be reluctant in some cases and they may make you show it over a period of time, but if you've really changed your welcome mat,

Margaret: 12:17 that's right. Now these folks have been together for awhile.

Craig: 12:20 Yes. Right. Yeah. And uh, several years, I think three years. Yeah.

Coach Margaret: 12:24 Um, so there's no way she's got to forget about you. There's no way. And you know, so you want to be ready, as Greg says, when she reaches over again and after that length of time, something kept her there for five years, three years in this screen. Okay. Something her there for three years and it had to be something substantial. So whatever that is, she may be back looking for it. Maybe you make great pancakes, have a wonderful sense of humor. Maybe you can fix anything in the house. Maybe you have all sorts of wonderful traits.

Craig Kenneth: 12:58 Yeah. You know, the connection that you have with somebody. I mean, let's face it, you go out on a lot of dates and people often go out with many, many people in their lifetime, but there are very few that we really truly bond with. Right, right. That you really have a strong connection with that person and they have that with you and even though they feel like I'm fed up, it's not gonna work that can change and being without you and I'm giving it some space to and them some freedom to make their decision can make them really think, you know, what maybe maybe we can work

Coach Margaret: 13:39 to sell. Whereas if you persist, she's got to put her energy into saying, oh, not him again.

Craig Kenneth: 13:44 Exactly. And I can tell you from experiences. One girl that I dated for about four years that I ended the relationship because she hadn't changed and she refused to get into counseling. She had a lot of issues she had to work on from early, early childhood trauma. And so after about four years, three or four years of it, I was like, I gotta this. I gotta move forward. And I asked her to move out and I was, you know, kind as I can be patient with her as I can be. And you know, we were still talking here and there after she had moved out. And I even thought to myself, you know what, maybe if she works on herself and she stays in therapy, like she says she is, I can give this another shot. But then she didn't like being alone and started dating another guy right away and was playing both of us. I found out, oh no, that didn't last long on my end. And that's when I'm like, okay, I'm done. I'm done. Instead of trying to talk about this and deal with this and act like an adult. So you'd rather jump to somebody else. That's when I was like, I'm not gonna I'm a good decision

Craig Kenneth: 14:52 because I had already been on such a thin ice or she had been on thin ice with me for so long. But even in a situation where I was just fed up beyond belief with this woman and the way she had acted and treated me and she was just negative and mean and manipulative and selfish and oh my gosh, the list went on. Even then I thought, well maybe there's a chance. Yeah, right. And had she done the things that I asked you to do and changing the ways that I have asked you guys to and we teach you to, we might have been together. We might've gotten back together.

Coach Margaret: 15:31 Right? She wasn't ready. There was no way you could do.

Craig Kenneth: 15:33 Yeah, absolutely. So love is incredibly powerful. And the bond that you have when you attach to somebody doesn't just go away. Even if they act like they did or tell you that it did, it doesn't. Yeah,

Coach Margaret: 15:47 you don't have. Doesn't mean it has. And I don't want this gentleman just spend a lot of time beating himself up. It's not helpful. No. Do some positive things that are going to make you feel better, but don't beat yourself up. It doesn't help. Absolutely. I just want to remind this gentleman to be good to himself. Um, what, what's done is done. He's doing his best to correct it and beating, beating yourself up, sir will not help you. Okay? So be good to yourself and, and help yourself. Encourage yourself to become the man you want to be.

Craig Kenneth: 16:21 But realize there are many, many people in this world that go through a breakup and get back together. Right. And sometimes that relationship winds up becoming better than it ever was. And if you do work and make personal growth your priority, you can only increase those chances.