This is a blog about things I should be doing/eating/reading/crafting/learning or not doing. It is a sporadic insight into my mind and life. I can guarantee it WILL be random. It will touch on serious subjects that could include things such as my struggle with PCOS and Endometriosis or my college career. However,more often than not I will discuss the less serious subjects that could include my cats varying sleeping positions to why some people just can't drive.

Friday, March 29, 2013

When you become a parent, you immediately start making sacrifices for your child(ren). It stops being about what you want but more about what they need. I may not be a parent yet but I know this and I feel we infertiles start this process even before our children are with us. Sometimes it may be as little as something to aid ovulation production to as large as a second or third mortgage on a house. Plus, there are many more examples than those.

Yesterday, I had to make a life decision. It did not even take me three seconds to decide. I know, without a doubt, it was the right choice.

I bet you want to know what it is :-) luckily I'm not a fan of torture so I will tell you.

I will be graduating from college soon (August). It had become time to decide what my next academic plan would be.

Would I go to graduate school?

I attended a grad school workshop to make sure I was fully informed about this option. I knew half way through the workshop that grad school was for me and it will be my next academic step which will aid me in reaching my final career goal. I went to see my advisor after the workshop. This was a meeting scheduled to help me narrow down grad schools and look at requirements for those schools. After we were done, I apologized to my advisor for taking up her time. She looked at me quizzically as she did not know why I said that. What she did not know was that during our meeting I had made another decision. A decision that will change my life. A decision that was only mine to make. I decided to not go to Grad school,yet. She looked at me as if I were insane. I told her that while Grad School is something I want to do, it is not something I'm going to do within the next five years. She asked me why.

I knew she would not like my answer. I did not sugarcoat it.

I frankly stated, "I want to be a mom. Eggs are only viable for so long, grad school will always be there."

She still continued to stare at me in disbelief and asked me what I meant by that. I told her that grad school(even applying) will be expensive and I would prefer to spend that money on fertility treatment. In five years or maybe less, I will revisit the Grad School idea. There will be a lot of deciding factors just as there were now. She asked me if this was the smartest academic decision for me. I told her it was. She explained that with a masters degree I would be able to afford fertility treatments more.I could see she was not going to drop it so I laid it all out there.

I explained that I am 29+2 years old. In the fertility world I'm old. The odds are not in my favor since I have ENDO. and PCOS. Viable egg production decreases as you get older and the chances of complications increase. I do not have five or six years to spare. Heck I don't even have one. I do not want to look back on my life with regret. I know if I chose Grad school now that I would regret it.

I left that meeting knowing she did not fully understand my decision. She is a single career driven woman in her late thirties. Even now she is in grad school for her second masters degree. She has always told me that education is the most important thing.

The most important thing to me is my family.

Afterwards I had lunch with some of my fellow college students. We'd all attended the workshop and had planned to meet up after our meetings with our advisors to discuss grad schools. I let them go first. They were excited with the different options they each had and were eager to share them. When it was my turn. I told them my decision. They flipped! All at once I had five people trying to tell me I was making a mistake. I just sat there and waited for them to calm down. I explained that I am at least ten years older than them (some twelve). I am married (they aren't). I want to be a mom (they have yet to decide this). I too at their age thought i had time (little did i know).I explained that I was not letting anything hold me back from grad school. In fact I was doing the opposite. If I went to grad school now I would always be distracted about if I had not decided this would I have a baby in my arms by this point?Worse yet I would go to grad school and still want to do fertility treatment. While we could do this financially if we took out loans, never went out for food or fun, and hubby got a third job. That is not living and it would put a terrible strain on our relationship.

They just did not understand.

I arrived home and told my DH of my decision. He asked me if I was sure. I told him I was. He then explained that he knew this decision had been looming and did not want to force my opinion one way or the other. He liked my decision and agreed with it. He did add that during the five years I should study and prepare for the GRE. I can go at a leisurely pace. He is so smart and really is the best man for me. :-) I cannot wait to see him as a father.

At the end of the day I knew the only people that could truly understand my decision is YOU. My fellow cysters and sufferers of infertility. While my husband is supportive, he can't truly understand. He is not the one that has decided to put their body and mind through countless tests and medications that have no guarantee. I am not saying this will not be hard on him because i know it will be, but it just isn't the same as physically experiencing it.

Monday, March 25, 2013

So, many thoughts are running through my head. I will write about them in no particular order. They may or may not make sense to you. Please feel free to ask for clarifications.

WARNING: This is a long post.

First up, traffic.

It took me two hours to get home from school today. TWO HOURS!! Ugh I cannot stand being in my car that long. The stop and go traffic is annoying. People just can not seem to drive in Florida! I may or may not be one of these people depending on the day.

Today was not one of those days.

On days like today I feel like I am surrounded by student drivers out alone in the car for the first time. The odds of this occurring are like three billion to one , but that is still how I feel. I mean clearly the route people take home is not new to them all. However,more than half of the drivers chose to wait till the last minute to change lanes before their exit/turn without using their turn signals! I mean what is up with that?!?!

Traffic rant is now over.

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Next up, Metformin

So, as of two days ago I am taking Metformin (250mg gradually increasing to 1000mg). The goal is to have me ovulate to result in regular periods as I do not want to take BC. DH and I are open to a BFP. I have recently been having a lot of cramping without periods which is an Endo. thing. I need to have regular visits from AF to help keep the Endo. pain down. Mind you this will not elevate the pain but hopefully it will lessen the pain. I did not get the Metformin from an RE so my levels are not being monitored for ovulation. I will however be tracking my ovulation (I hope) with the CB monitor and BBT. If I ovulate successfully and do not experience any other complications then DH and I will be actively trying (more so then now). I will only be on the Metformin till June as that is when my prescription will run out and everything will be reassessed then. Clearly we would like a BFP but mainly we want my body to regulate. So, I will be adding many more blog posts in relation to fertility in the next few months.

Consider this your warning :-)

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Next on the list, Soy Isoflavones

I recently read that Soy is similar to Clomid. I discussed with DH about taking this in May and June to aid us in getting a BFP and he is on board :-) this of course will all depend on if the Metformin works.

I am still in the research mode of Soy Iso.

Here is where I started my research: http://fertility-challenged.blogspot.com/2008/07/soy-isoflavones-natural-clomid.html

It says many women have had success on Soy. The fact that I can get it at Walmart for under ten bucks is highly appealing. I worry about the chances of birth defects, miscarriage, and chances of multiples
Does anybody have any other reading suggestions? Or comments/thoughts about Soy Iso?

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Next up, our cats

We have three cats. I had two before we married, a girl (Hiro) and a boy (Duke). DH had a boy (Vic). All three are rescue cats. My two are declawed,his is not. Every other day we give them wet food and every other day they fight. I am talking alley cat fighting here! So the fighting leads to a delay in receiving wet food(they always have dry food). I just do not understand why they do this! I mean they are only going to hurt themselves and I fear one day they actually WILL hurt each other.

They make no sense but I love them still.

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Finally, Girl Meets World

Have you seen there is going to be a show on disney that is a spin off of Boy Meets World?!?

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Just a quick update on my C25k. It has been interrupted by yet another Endo day :-( However I am having a MUCH better day emotionally :-)
I have an ethnographic paper due on Monday and just remembering my fieldwork for that has lifted my spirits. I bet you are wondering what an ethnographic paper is. Don't fret I didn't know what it was before I had to write it either.

Ethnography is defined as The branch of anthropology that deals with the scientific description of specific human cultures.

I am an anthropology minor and this assignment is for my medical anthropology class. I decided to do my ethnography on the Amish. I focus mainly on their hierarchy of resort which is the order of people or things they consult during or in relation to medical problems. For example, when I get sick or have a medical question my first action is to google it. If I am not satisfied with that answer I then call my mom. My next resource is my cousin who is a nurse and is married to a doctor. Normally at this point I know if I need to visit a doctor.
Hierarchy of resort is different based on economic status, culture, and geographical location. It also varies drastically between generations.
I am fortunate to have been able to visit the only Amish community in Florida for my fieldwork. The Amish have quite a laid back way of life and do not stress about much if anything. While I was there I asked one woman what would be the standard procedure for dealing with PCOS. Well she had no clue what I was talking about. In the Amish world they do not think about fertility. It is either God's will or it isn't. They do not know anything else. I tried to ask more questions down this path but they do not discuss these delicate topics with people outside their immediate family.
This got me to thinking about how would I feel if I didn't have children and didn't know why. I actually couldn't even grasp it.

I can't unlearn my fertility complications.

I do not know if this makes me egocentric or something but now that I know what the problems are I want nothing more than to fix it. I have utter respect for those people that can just "give it to God". While I do pray about things I feel I need to do something myself too.

I digress. Looking back at my fieldwork, that I hope to continue, it is nice to be away from the hustle and bustle of my daily life while with the Amish. I will admit though that I clung to my iPhone for hours after leaving ha ha ha.

May you have a wonderful Saturday.

I am off to finish my paper.

*this photo is one I took of an Amish friend as she went home. I was only given permission to take it with her back to me.

I have a good life. I am happily married to a wonderful man. I have a roof over my head. I live close to my friends and family. I go to sleep each night with a full stomach. I have a car. I have a good support system. I am able to attend college.

After remembering and thinking about this, I am in a bad mood.

I am cranky. I am moody. I have a short temper.

And

I HAVE NO CLUE WHY!

Okay well I do have a clue.

It boils down to Endometriosis (at least today). I am so over it and the pain. Plus I think it is getting worse :-/ I wish there was some quick easy answer not just for me but everyone.

Today I read numerous stories of different women that are affected by Endometriosis.
Two women had hysterectomies before they were 27. One of those women had the endometriosis return.
Another woman believed if she got pregnant and had her baby that the endometriosis would subside or go away completely. Sadly, this is not true and her endometriosis has flared up ten times worse. She is unable to play with her daughter.
One woman always went straight for her heating pad when her endometriosis got bad. Unbeknownst to her she burned her abdomen repeatedly. The endometriosis pain was so severe she didn't even feel the heating pad burns.

These stories do not even begin to explain the many different ways endometriosis affects the individuals that suffer from this invisible illness. What's more is that the people surrounding sufferers are affected to varying degrees as well.

March is Endometriosis Awareness Month. However, for those of us that have endometriosis, we are aware of it with each moment of every day in our lives.

I pray a cure is found sooner rather than later so future generations do not have to endure what we have.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Today I have a meeting at school. It is for a program I am a part of and we meet every other Friday. I look forward to these meetings where I get to hear about the good things we have planned on and for our campus plus to see my friends and colleagues.

Today I will be missing the meeting due to an Endo day and I am angry.

I am angry that this happens on days that I'm not even on my period. I am angry that my body does things I do not understand. I am angry that this is treatable but not curable. Having to take pain medication just to be able to get out of bed is infuriating! I detest pain medication. I do not like how they can make me feel not all here and I cannot drive on them. However, being curled up in a ball in bed writhing in pain is something I hate more. In case you missed it, I have Endometriosis. It affects every woman differently if you do not know much about it please look it up. I would give you a link to few but I have no clue how to add links in my blog as of yet.
I am off to go curl up with a heating pad and watch Netflix till I will probably fall asleep. Sleep is easier than dealing with the pain. I am thankful I do not have many days like this but when they do happen I am useless and angry about it.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

I mean well I SHOULD BE! I am a woman and ovulating is something women do! Well unless you have fertility problems and then well sometimes you don't :-/
It is CD23 and all the monitor says is its a high day. My body is so annoying!

Okay so on another topic I am a member of Weight Watchers online. As of today I have lost 19.6 pounds :-) I still have a long way to go in the weight department but it is the baby steps that will get me there.

It is said that losing weight will also increase my chances of ovulating as far as PCOS is concerned. So hopefully that is true.

I'm off to continue my day. I hope yours is going well.

UPDATE: Today is CD26. I had 10 high fertility days but no peak day. Did not O this cycle per the CB Fertility monitor. AF not due for 13 more days

Yep can't sleep again. No big surprise really because my schedule is never the same each day.

Well I went running/jogging/walking today (day 3 of C25K). It was nice weather out. It was overcast with a light breeze and a beautiful 74 degrees. About 5 minutes into my workout it began to sprinkle. I didn't think anything of it because it often sprinkles in Florida and then gets sunnier. Well, about 5 minutes after it began to sprinkle it began to pour down rain! It rained so hard I could barely see and I actually passed our apartment TWICE without realizing it. Yep that's right I got lost in the rain. I'd like to think I'm not the first one that has experienced this however, I fear I might be. I am hoping I don't get sick from being out in the rain.

So here I am at 11am and I'm still in bed,awake but in bed. I should be getting up and putting on my workout clothes. Today is day four into my couch to 5k journey. I downloaded an app on my trusty iPhone (C25k) and supposedly in 8weeks ill be able to run a 5k if I keep up with this. However, I just want to stay in bed. It has not been the best of mornings. I have PCOS it is awful and today is CD22 I have not ovulated this month at all. My fertility monitor has shown 10 "high" days but no peak. I am not on any medication like many cysters out there. I do not have medical insurance so we are trying the NFP methods. But I can't get pregnant if I don't ovulate! See the thing is some months I DO ovulate others not so much. I never know what it is going to be this month. There are many cysters out there on fertility medications and I wish we were there but we aren't. The odds of a cyster getting pregnant without fertility drugs is something like 5% (I have no clue what the real percentage is). Due to lack of insurance (fertility isn't covered in the state of Florida anyways) and that I'm an unemployed full time college student , NFP is our only option. To be added to my husbands insurance would cost more than have the rent each month. That is just not a doable cost. So, I track my BBT each month and utilize a Clearblue fertility monitor. Right now the question is do I ovulate? And today the answer is not this month. There are many people out there with much worse problems today in my world it is this.
After I finish writing this I will put on my workout clothes and go torture myself with a workout. Then I will go work on one of many papers I need to complete. Only 5 weeks left of classes! 18credits/6classes this semester is kicking my butt.

It is 5:27am and I should be sleeping. However, in my absence of sleep I came to the decision to start a blog. This decision could stem from sleep deprivation so we will see what becomes of this blog.

To start, let me tell you a bit about myself. I am currently 29+2 years old, a full time college student, newlywed , and we reside in the state of Florida. I do not have what I would consider an interesting life but then again what do I know? I enjoy reality tv for goodness sake!

In the previous paragraph you may have noticed my creative way of expressing my age. If you did not notice, feel free to scan up quickly,I'll wait. Okay now that we have seen my aversion to beginning my age with the number three I would like to share why. Well to begin with 3 is a larger number than 2 and what is good about being larger? Yep I couldn't think of anything either. By making people do math to figure out my age I am assisting them in keeping their mind sharp. Also, being in college and being in my twenties just seems to flow better. These might not be good reasons but they are MY reasons that I reserve the right to alter at anytime.

Well, I am beginning to get sleepy so I am going to attempt to go back to sleep. Hopefully when I wake up I won't think this starting a blog thing was just a dream. I would like to keep my blog out of the blogging cemetery (its a real place) so I hope I remember to keep blogging.