Learning from My Parents' Divorce

Sometimes brokenness makes you stronger.

I never understood why my parents decided to divorce, and it haunted me for years. Why did I suddenly have a 'broken' home? Why couldn't I have two parents like everyone else?

When I began to build my own home, I stopped asking why. I realized that I still have two parents, and that the way my parents handled their divorce was a real blessing. When they decided to share custody, they really meant it.

They went together to every parent-teacher conference. They made our bar and bat mitzvahs together. They sat next to each other at graduations and holiday tables and in the bleachers at my basketball games. They both attended parents' weekend at my university, and they walked me down the aisle together at my wedding. When their first grandchild was born, they traveled across the world to be there. Over the years, they have taken grandchildren to the zoo together and shared Seder tables in our home.

I once spoke about my childhood in my class as part of my Masters in Family Therapy. Afterwards, a colleague said to me, "Wow, that is extremely rare. You are so lucky." I was shocked that she used the word "lucky." Lucky was for children who grew up in 'normal' homes. Lucky was for kids who didn't have a 'father's house' and a 'mother's house.' But then I realized that it was true. I was lucky.

I was lucky that my parents walked me down the aisle together at my wedding. I was lucky that they could enjoy their grandchildren together. And I was lucky to learn these lessons from my parents' divorce.

An Ordinary Marriage Doesn't Exist

Since my parents' divorce all I wanted was to build a family. Though I poured much of my time and effort into my professional development, I dreamed of a house full of children and a marriage made of steel. In the silent, soft light of the Ivy League library, I wondered how I would find a spouse who would insure that my own future marriage would be forever. And then I realized that I knew better than that. There are no guarantees that a marriage will last no matter who you marry. I would have to make my marriage and my home my first priority. And each day I knew that I would have to make a conscious, ongoing investment in it. Because I had learned that there is no such thing as an ordinary marriage. A marriage is either going up or going down. If a marriage feels like it is on a plateau, it is at risk.

A Child Needs Both Parents

I have seen too many cases where a mother or father only becomes an active parent after a divorce. Until then, they did not have a 'his' or 'her' slot with the kids and didn't feel a need to spend quality time with them. After parents separate, they often feel guilty and try to make it up to their children somehow. But children need both parents' love and attention, even when there is no divorce and no need to compensate.

A mother can't take the place of a father, and vice versa. When I was growing up, there were times when I was at my father's house, but I really needed my mother. And there were times when I was at my mother's house when I really needed my father. I can recognize this need in my own children. They need me, but sometimes they need my husband just as much, and sometimes more. We can help children build strong relationships with both parents by setting aside some time with each parent and complimenting each other in front of them.

Brokenness Can Make You Stronger

Children of divorce never forget the pain of the day that their parents separate. It doesn’t heal. That’s the day that they lose their basic sense of security. That’s the day they realize that the walls of their home are not as strong as they had always believed them to be. They lose a part of their innocence, no matter how young they are. They learn early on that some stories do not have happy endings. And they carry this sense of brokenness with them everywhere.

But when I was little and still confused about my parents' divorce, I began to see that the brokenness could also make me stronger. It could help me see others' pain. It could lead me to search for wholeness and truth in a place where others weren't searching at all. But most importantly, the loss could teach me to be resilient. As I grew up and faced the inevitable obstacles in life, I had a secret. I knew I could survive. I had learned that pain is a powerful teacher, and that I could choose to use it to succeed.

The greatest lesson I learned was this: If you have the genuine love of one parent, you’ll be okay. If you have two parents who love you, you are fortunate. And if you have two parents who love you and love each other, you’ve won the jackpot.

About the Author

Sara Debbie Gutfreund received her BA in English from the University of Pennsylvania and her MA in Family Therapy from the University of North Texas. She has taught parenting classes and self-development seminars and provided adolescent counseling. She writes extensively for many online publications and in published anthologies of Jewish women's writing. She and her husband spent 14 wonderful years raising their five children in Israel, and now live in Blue Ridge Estates in Waterbury, Connecticut, where Sara Debbie enjoys skiing and running in her free time.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 7

(7)
Anonymous,
February 18, 2013 5:31 AM

You are incredibly lucky to have parents who get along even though they are not married to each other. When I was younger I'd ask Hashem to make my parents get divorced. Now I just ask Him to make them shut up. I am a bit jealous of a friend of mine, her parents are divorced for years already, but they make things work, and they are perfectly civil to one another.

(6)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2013 2:59 AM

Agree, you were lucky. This is a rarity that divorced parents put aside self and truly put needs of the children first. Two years ago separated and this was my desire. We reconciled only for things to get worse. God made a way for me to get husband out of our home. Since moving he rarely sees the children, never calls, and does not even flinch when I express how our children are affected by his lack of care....as actions speak louder than words. I pray God will protect their hearts and draw their dad and I into a better relationship.

(5)
Lisa,
January 2, 2013 1:57 PM

Better to come from a broken home than to live in one!!!

How lucky you are.... 2 parents that get along..... Most divorce cases I know are exactly opposite. And people should just know.... That even if you come from what looks like a " good solid home" maybe in actuality be a very broken home.

(4)
Anonymous,
January 2, 2013 4:35 AM

can children learn to forgive?

My daughter is 24 years old. Her father and I divorced when she was 12 years old and she still harbors resentment and anger about it. she refuses to talk about what she is so angry about and also refuses to see a therapist. How can I help her when she won't help herself? Her father and I are on cordial terms but both feel very frustrated by this situation. What can we do?

(3)
Brahm Zuckerman,
January 1, 2013 8:25 PM

I wish my X was like that

It takes 2. I wanted things to be like that, but my X wife didn't care to be civil. If one wants to be nice, and the other doesn't, it makes it impossible. It made things hard on the kids.

(2)
Anonymous,
January 1, 2013 5:39 PM

Powerful words

Your words in this article are so strong and powerful. I pretty much have the same story as you and am so grateful to have both parents who love and care about their children so much. My parents are not together but are there for us together. They are there for the birthdays, graduations, weddings etc.
Your article gave me strength. We are lucky!
Thank you!

(1)
Alan S.,
December 30, 2012 9:56 PM

"A marriage is either going up or going down. If a marriage feels like it is on a plateau, it is at risk."
Gee, I hope this is not totally accurate, but I understand the writers's intent.. A relationship starts as a little flame, and than becomes a ranging inferno (the beginnings of a marriage). The marriage eventually 'settles" into becoming a well lit ember, until the death of one of the parties, when the flame flickers out. If the marriage 'goes out', the flame turns to ash. Like anything else, the flame needs to be tended to to keep it alive.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

Love comes from "giving to someone." When you do altruistic acts of kindness, you are giving the other person part of yourself. You will therefore feel love for the recipient of your acts of kindness - because you will find yourself included in the other person and you will identify with him. Just as you love yourself, so too will you love the other person.

The ultimate level to strive for is that even if someone wrongs you, you will view it the same as if someone's right hand accidentally cut their own left hand. Of course while you will try to prevent this from happening, you will not take revenge on your own hand!!

The degree of love as you have for yourself is the degree of love we should have for others.

Today, think of a specific person who would gain greatly from your being more giving. (If you can't think of anyone, that person might be you...)

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...