Hey It Is Monday. Just A Typical Monday. Let’s Be Funny Monday.

February 7, 2011

Hey, it is me Jordan again. Just writing my post like usual. Good times, right? I mean it is Monday after all and I have to be funny on Mondays. Why would stop me from being funny today? It is just the day after a fine weekend where I should be recharged and ready to go for the week. That makes sense, right? I should start off with some topical humor or maybe something that happened over the weekend that would be suffice for a humorous anecdote. That would be good. Everything is going good so far.

So, my friend and I went to a Buffalo Wild Wings on Satur-

WHY!!?!!!!!!!!????!!!!

WHY DID THEY HAVE TO LOSE?!!!

*sobbing* *sobbing* *uncontrollable subbing*

They were playing so well. And then they lose? And to an NFC team? Ugh. In the Super Bowl? Double UGH! What the fuck!?! Why did they lose? WHY?!!!!!!!!

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So that Buffalo Wild Wings on Saturd-

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

FUCK! FUUUUHHHHH-HHHH-UUUU-CCCCCKKKK!

THREE TURNOVERS! THREE OF THEM! FUCKING THREE TURNOVERS!!!! NOT ONE!!! NOT TWO!!! BUT THREE!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!

Going into the game, everyone knew Ben would throw a couple interceptions. It happens. He puts the ball up there, so although the first interception sucked with them taking it back for a touchdown – it was somewhat understandable because his arm got hit and shizz whizz like that. But the second one!!!!?!!! Fuck that was a kick in my dick! Like it the foot had gotten into my dick, which would be painful enough as is and then he starts kicking around, which would be even more painful!!! And that FUMBLE?!!! AHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! TEAR MY FUCKING LIVER OUT WHY DON’T YOU!?!?! They were doing so fucking well. And a fumble!?! Rashard has only fumbled 2 times all year and then a fucking fumble in the Super Bowl?!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

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The Buffalo Wild Wi-

ADVERSITY?!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!

If I have to hear one more time that the Packers went through ADVERSITY this year to get to the Super Bowl and win it then I am going to kill ABE VIGODA. That’s right!!!! I will kill him. I will kil– I couldn’t kill him. That’s the truth. He is a national treasure. But BUT BUT I will find him and fart on him! DO YOU WANT THAT?!!! HUNH?!!! I’LL FART ON A NATIONAL TREASURE!!! I’LL FART ON ABE VIGODA!!!!

Adversity?!!! They weren’t fighting for Civil Rights. Charles Woodson isn’t Rosa Parks! They dealt with injuries. Yeah, they dealt with a butt load of injuries. An entire Nicki Minaj’s butt load of injuries. And I have a question for you, WHAT MOTHERFUCKING TEAM DIDN’T?!!!!

LARGE BENJAMIN ROETHLISBERGER is out there with a broken nose, broken ankle/foot or something, a size 15 steel shoe clown shoe, messed up left knee, screwed up shoulder and he’s got dirty hairy eyeball hexes on him from all the people who hate him following him around and he still is out there making fucking plays! Have you seen the Steelers Offensive Line? Any of those names look familiar to you? Yeah, me neither because the O-Line is fucking on IR, Assholes! Yeah, the Steelers just had Maurkice Pouncey on the sideline the whole game in sweats for shits and giggles. Do you see Aaron Smith out there making tackles? Oh yeah, it’s really cool having an all pro sitting on the bench all year. That’s not “adversity”. What about Troy Polamalu? That dude is injured. That man is playing injured. He’s out there for every play praying to Jesus to keep him from blacking out from playing balls out on every play injured.

THERE ISN’T A TEAM IN THIS LEAGUE that isn’t playing with crazy amount of injuries. So fuck you and your “adversity”. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

*sobbing* *angry sobbing* *face red sobbing*

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Buffalo Wild Wings was packed. My friend and I showed up at 9pm to watch the UFC fights and the line was out the door. We turned around and got back into my car. We ordered the fights at my house. I had never been in a Buffalo Wild Wings before. Technically I have been “in” a Buffalo Wild Wings, but I doubt what happened Saturday night counts. I was in there for like a second. I feel like that’s like saying you’ve been to a city that you just drove through. Technically, you’ve been there, but you never did anything while there. But on the other hand, if you put your penis in something – even for the splittest of seconds – then you had sex with it. You had sex with Sheila. You had sex with a pillow. You had sex with your sock. You had sex with a bowl of Frosted Cheerios. And my penis was inside the Buffalo Wild Wings, so technically I’ve been to a Buffalo Wild Wings and had sex with it. Buffalo Wild Wings is a whore because there was like 200 dudes in there all with their penises in there. And me too. So I guess we’re all Eskimo brothers.

My brain and heart still hurt from Sunday.

If you hadn’t noticed.

I love football still. It just hurts.

So who here watched Glee?

Right? That’s fun. That’s something th-

IT BURNS! OH IT BURNS! I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M TALKING ABOUT THIS AFTER LIVING THROUGH THAT HORROR LAST NIGHT!!! AHHHH IT BURNS!!! GLEE SUCKED SO MUCH IT BURNS! I FEEL LIKE I HAVE PTSD FROM GLEE!!!!

I didn’t watch much of Glee. I don’t understand that show. The chicks are pretty great looking on the show and all, but it seems like a shittier version of Kids Incorporated or whatever that show was. Just a bunch of gays who randomly break out into song for no apparent reason and some one is hassling them all the time.

Back to Saturday night, there was one thing I wanted to share with you all.

That is Anderson Silva kicking Vitor Belfort right in the face.

He just put his foot on his stupid face and it was over.

I couldn’t stop laughing when this happened. I laughed until I cried tears of joy over hilarious violence.

Even funnier is that Anderson Silva has been claiming that Steven Seagal was the one who helped him perfect this front kick to the face. Anderson usually throws wild kicks like this, but he has never scored a knock out with it. The past two fights, Anderson has had Steven Seagal come to Brazil and “train” with him. And Steven was apart of Anderson’s entourage leading into the building before the fights. Steven said front row by the cage and Anderson did a little prayer meeting with him before stepping into the cage.

So…

Don’t fuck with him.

Personally, Under Siege is my favorite Steven Seagal film. I’m a big fan for Above the Law and Out for Justice, but Under Siege is just a great action film from beginning to end. Also Erika Eleniak shows her boobs in the movie, which really could make any movie go from a C to an A. She was on Baywatch! Baywatch boobs! I have seen a lot of Steven Seagal’s work and even watched his television show. He is 6’5″ and has remarkably fast hands. And he believes that he is an actual superhero. Those are not movies – they are documentaries. In his mind, he was a special forces Navy Seal army ranger marine captain super soldier who then became a cook on a nuclear weapon having navy vessel and stopped a serious of Ex-Patriots from blowing up Hawaii – mostly by using cooking knives and an MP5 sub-machine gun.

I really hope Netflix watch instantly has all the Steven Seagal films I need to watch because that might cheer me up today.

Also…

I know one commenter has mentioned one thing she would like me to write about – Welcome to the Rileys review. I haven’t seen it, but I’ll make a point to see it sooner than later to write about it.

Is there anything else anyone wants me to write about?

Something?

Anything?

Or I will stop writing altogether.

Yep.

Today is ultimatum day.

This will probably backfire and blow up in my face (that’s what she said), but it is worth a shot.

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24 Responses to “Hey It Is Monday. Just A Typical Monday. Let’s Be Funny Monday.”

I have suggested to you probably fifty bagilliion times that I think myself and others here would love to read about kristen stewart wanting it, and how that could be applied to situations (such as defeating aliens, etc.) however I suspect you are addressing this to people aside from me since I suggest things to you on the regular and you ignore me. and my friday questions. despite that I am an obnoxious person and don’t mind repeating myself so I will continue to do so:

you should totally write about how kristen stewart wants it. with pictures

First of all, I’m going to need someone to invent the time machine I keep asking for. I think if someone can get me back to 2009 I can fix shit so the Steelers won last night. There might be other unintended repercussions as well, just so everyone’s forewarned. If I have enough time I’ll make sure Tron: Even Shittier doesn’t get made, too, but no promises.

Also, my friend just started reading this blog. That’s right, someone I’ve been dropping heavy-handed hints to for 18 months finally dropped by and told me, “I have been following Kristen stewart wants it and have been highly amused by this Jordan guy.” I did not get permission to use that quote.

I’ll just tell you right now that she’s smarter, funnier and way more stacked than me, and if you stop writing this blog right now you’re going to regret it. She could haiku the SHIT out of the comments section. I can’t refer to her by name until she starts commenting and goddamn picks one.

So thanks for making today’s post a winner, since now you’re a reflection of my personal taste.

You can write about the Super Bowl commercials, or about how Christina Aguilera fucked up a song she’s been singing for 20 years, our national anthem. I liked the Eminem Detroit commercial the best. The oppressive gravity of it fit my mood since we NEVER ONCE HAD THE FUCKING LEAD, NOT ONE DAMN TIME. deep breaths.

No pressure, PWG. I was more than happy to be the silent stalker, but felt I would be letting my good friend down. I couldn’t imagine her returning to this blog day after day just to see if I dared to participate. Well dare I shall. I have no comment on the superbowl, the commercials, or the so called entertainment. I watched from a POS Magnavox tv circa 1975 and every part of the experience was unremarkable. the highlight was my mom, who couldn’t give a shit about football or either team, would pop up from her hospital bed from a semi-sleep state each time my dad and I cheered and comment “oh, is it over? Who won?” this happened approximately 50 times and is an anecdote given soley to entertain not to inspire any sympathy as to what is wrong with my poor mother.
So, it would seem that I have been set up to be funny, smart, large-breasted and should achieve all this in some sort of rhymed verse. Huh. I feel no pressure, of course to be be big boobed It has been inevitable since the summer of ’86. So yes like PWG, I am old. Unlike PWG, for those of you that have met her, I am not a midget. this is just a fact. I have nothing against midgets as PWG(aka “my midget friend”) can attest.
I have been to buffalo wild wings several times. I now feel a bit dirty. Not like a whore But certainly like a whore monger. I will be making an appointment at the clinic to make sure I don’t have an STD. I guess I thought this blog was about Kristen Stewart all the time and really could not see the entertainment in that even though I could see that my funny little friend was amused when she spoke of the site. “It’s about Kristen Stewart and her perpetual want.”. Oh no not done lost connection……

and don’t be fooled, this website may lend itself to smiling and laughing but smiley faces themselves are extremely rare around here. they are contraban. In fact I am one of the few rebels that will smiley face you for realzies and not just write “smiley face” so cherish that little emoticon, twas well earned.

See?! See how it’s done, people? I bring the verbose fellow commenters while everyone else just wanders away.

Outed: the reference to your feminine attributes (or masculine, for the moobied amongst us) was solely for the benefit of fellow female commenters. We have an appreciation for the Sofia Vergara/Christina Hendricks/Coco “Mrs. Ice” T/buxomed celebrities. Jordan likes Megan Fox, which is how we first discovered he’s gay.

So anyway, I have a new fancy iPad but am at the mercy of a wifi connection. Ok, where was I? ……and her perpetual want.” so I feel the need to tie today’s post back to that since the blog writer guy did not. I know now that your name is Jordan but would prefer to address you as the blog writer guy. What if Kristen Stewart, in search of a place to watch the superbowl, wandered into a buffalo wild wings? Just imagine as she walked in the door and was immediately bombarded with the aura of cock and others’ want. I can only imagine a scene on the level of some sort of initiation gang bang in The deepest hood of LA ripe with Want(purposeful capital exaggeration). Add the plethora of available hot sauces and this is one hot want party. Bleu cheese or ranch? Celery? Carrot sticks? Do you need extra hand wipes? What superbowl??
Anybody in the mood for wings???

I’m sorry (for you and PWG), but your crushing disappointment made for some pretty good material today… so there’s that. I may have been the only person pulling for the Steelers at my 30-person party yesterday. I did win some money in the pool ($42 for the 1st Quarter), but it feels like dirty money. Maybe I’ll just buy you $42 worth of whiskey so you can get forget-the-super-bowl-even-happened-drunk.

I honestly have no idea what you should write about. If I had ideas about writing, I’d have my own blog that I’d stop keeping after a week because no one read it anyway.

Fuck. I forgot to rhyme something.
She badgered me for months( no wait. Don’t wanna rhyme the C word my first time out)

Kristen Stewart wants it
Or so I have been told
Her want exceeds her acting skills
Her breasts are to behold
She chases after vampires
Or she’ll slum it with a wolf
Either way, the want is there
Look here to see the proof
Jordan’s threatened to quit writing
If he can’t get some new topics
He needs some inspiration
Is that a salami in your pocket?
Or are you just glad to see me?
I hope he gets some inspiration.
If a writer stops his writing
I fear over masturbation.

You seem so much like PWG that it all just seems a little too good to be true. Like maybe this is just PWG’s split personality. I mean, there was a little hiatus and then she comes back with a “friend” and that friend is about on par with PWG in terms of clever awesomeness right out the gate, so…… Until you get drunk with cledbo or join PWG on her next business trip to my living room, I will remain respectfully skeptical.

Yeah, you’d better be here all week. Outed has offered to buy me a KSWI coffee mug on many an occasion. I still don’t have one, though, so whatever, flake. It is not possible to embarrass me through leaked PWG factoids, either, because everyone knows I’m a midget with questionable musical taste and a thing for Alan Rickman. I suggest you click this.

This is getting exciting.
Will he stop writing ? Will he keep his funny bone or give it away for a hot wing? Such drama deserves a good audience. In a misguided attempt at being one, here is my suggestion for a friday question. What the hell is Nicki Minaj ? Where did that thing came from? Is it a dumpster baby of lil Kim and Missy Eliot? ..and why do I find myself liking it …..

Waaaaah. My source of Super Bowl(ing) news and aggression AND passive aggression (pull the other one, you’ll never stop writing for us, you love us too much)

I’m back from beyond the grave/training course in a location without wifi or phone service. Gee wasn’t that fun.

And a new commenter! Hi PWG’s friend. Will you visit when I gate crash PWG on my epic road trip of your United States? I hope so, you can rhyme and used masturbation in a poem. Awesome. Bring booze, we’ll be friends forever.

If you ever end up in a Japanese video store (as in a video store in Japan, not just one owned by a Japanese person) you will find more Steven Segal movies than you ever knew existed. For some inexplicable reason they LOVE him. I don’t get it.

Topics eh? One would think with your current labour force status you would have more than enough time to craft a few #education posts. I always enjoy lernding things. For a more specific request, see my comment made long ago on the “Who is Kristen Stewart?” section of this blog – is it possible to know both the location and the extent of the Want *at the same time*?!

I’m a drunk. We’ll get on famously. I used to be the biggest drunk she knew, then she met Kevin. Bastard. I also like to say inappropriate things. So come on your grand road trip from wherever it is that you hail from and we shall drink and say bad things and rejoice in our mutual friend PWG.

Huzzah. And becaus you are new, and it wouldn’t be fair to expect you to have read all of Jordan’s back catalogue with comments just yet (though don’t get me wrong, we totally expect that), I’m from Australia. So a big ol’ US road trip is a big deal, and the more drunken friends I can accumulate on it, the better.

For more of an idea of just what you may have gotten yourself into agreeing to be my friend, read this and this.

Yeah, you have no idea. If you’re ever read Isaac Asimov’s Foundation series, Kevin is The Mule. He’s Ray Bradbury’s butterfly. He’s the chaos theory Dr. Ian Malcolm was rambling on about in Jurassic Park when he was trying to get in Laura Dern’s pants.

He once took my husband out for a “night of drinking” and returned him to me 30 minutes later in a near alcoholic coma. Then he went out to finish up. At my wedding I kept hearing the same thing from all the guests: “Where’s Kevin?” Every wedding picture shows him with a drink in each hand. People love him, even though he rants about everything from children to cats to fat people when he’s drinking. He went to Las Vegas and FOR NO REASON rented a Liberace costume to wear around town. Total strangers asked to have their pictures taken with him. If Dr. Who, Dean Martin, Thing One and Thing Two had a baby, it would be Kevin.

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