I really need help dealing with a stressful/confusing situation. It is complicated to explain and lengthy so be prepared. My uncle (my Dad's brother), has been married several times and has a couple children (we don't know the actual number) whom he does not have contact with. I have tried to reconnect 1 cousin w/my uncle and was completely ignored. My uncle just turned 65 on Saturday but is in poor health due to being morbidly obese for 30 years. He is around 400lbs & can barely walk and somehow holds a supervisor position which he is retiring from in December. Obviously, him retiring will cause him to become even more sedentary. My uncle is also a caretaker for my other uncle, who is Schizophrenic. Schizo uncle has been diagnosed with lung disease, etc, horrible health, smokes 3 packs of smokes a day and drinks 2 cases of coke a DAY and he is diabetic. Just a total nightmare. Schizo uncle can barely breath and is expected to live another 1-2 years. So, that is the preface let's get into the meat of things. Uncle 1 expects uncle 2 to die ahead of him, and then expects me to become his caretaker and see him through. He came over proclaiming he didn't need his house anymore, that it was too big for him to care for and he was signing it over to me as it was to be left to be after his death anyway. He asked my husband, who is a skilled carpenter, to build him and uncle #2 a cottage behind the main house bc he can care for a smaller space easier and it would then be used as a guest home after his death. The main house is on a large piece of land, there are 3 different gate entrances and we would divide off our lawns with property fence.We made it clear to uncle #1 the entire time that we did not intend on living in main house for any period of time as we had already made plans to move back to my home-state. We have made it clear we intend on living there 1-2 years to save money for a house and then we are leaving. He acts as if he doesn't hear us. He will say "You need to do what is best for you" and then turn around and say things that imply I am expected to be his grocery shopper/errand runner/nurse aide. I am becoming very bitter about the whole matter. We are in our late 20's with a 1 year old. We are newlyweds. We do not want this baggage. I have been completely honest w/uncle #1 and he replied with a story of he understood at a young age that uncle #2 would be left to him to be responsible for, that no one in the family care enough to make sure he was ok after my grandparents death (which is totally untrue) and that bc he had sacrificed his life to care for uncle #2 that I am expected to do the same for him. He said bc he has no friends, our family is all dying off and I am basically *it*. he then added in that "there is a special place in hell for people who put their family members into homes".The house is being held as leverage over our heads. I would like to add that he has spent close to 20k so far on supplies for this cottage to be built and husband is 20% into completion on the damned thing. My uncle of course didn't let me know his intentions for MY(our) future until he had spent the money and husband had started construction.He and my Dad have a very shady relationship and my uncle tends to try to control, obviously. My Dad and him have gotten into it more than once over this house situation in regards to my uncle trying to take over my life. It is infuriating that my daughter's childhood would essentially be me playing hospital to my uncle who never ever took care of his health at ALL. My uncle is a good person deep down but, he spent his entire life being a crotchety S.O.B. who womanized and abandoned and he is very much a tormented soul. I feel like if you leave an inheritance to someone it should be out of a sincere heart, not to force them or guilt them into wiping your ass. I am so bitter about the situation and my poor husband is now working 5 days a week 12 hour days and then expected at uncle's 12 hours Sat & 12 hours Sun. And if husband doesn't show uncle is on the phone chewing ME out for it. How did it even get to this? I'm more mad at myself than anything. I feel mad bc I don't know how to handle this situation. I am mad that he is so arrogant and condescending I feel like I can't stand up to him. If I try to explain to him we are NOT staying in this state he yells and talks over me waving his hands and slamming his fists onto whatever is near him. But, I feel like I can't walk away from him bc there is literally NO ONE to look after him. He has made it clear if we do not accept the house and live in it until he's dead he will never speak to me again. I am losing sleep over all of this and I have cried a thousand tears over the stress. I need insight and advice please.

34 Comments

Tell Uncle #1 to sell the big house and use the money to pay for in-home help. You move where you want to and live your life. Sounds like your family has done little to nothing to enrich your life so I wouldn't waste anymore emotional time worrying about them. The Hallmark family is a greeting card, not real life.

I'm confused. It sounds like Uncle #1 has money, at least in the case of his home, correct? Many people sell their homes to move in to assisted living. My old boss once told me that there was a special place in heaven for people like me who devote their lives to caring for their parents in their home. Yet, it often feels like I'm in hell. If you want his home, and it sounds like you don't, you could stay and try to do your best. It sounds like you want out though. I'm sure your uncle is scared of being alone or left in a "home." Some people you can have rational discussions with, and some you cannot. Perhaps outside help can make him understand his options clearly. On a side note, Uncle #2 needs someone to make him comply with a more healthy lifestyle. It's one thing for someone to not see a doctor (like my dad) but I would never let him (he's diabetic) drink Coke.

JBlack, first, "be good" to yourself, husband and your child in making plans to extract yourself from this situation. Then later in your life when you have time, you can always "be good" to others by doing volunteer work, working with rescued animals, etc. There's always a need for people who want to "do good."

I really appreciate everyone's supportive replies/advice. Reading everyone's opinions of what needs to happen validates that I don't need to feel guilty when we move from them.

@BrianCares :OMGSH you are SO right about they only care about me as a caregiver. That really hit the nail on the head. My Dad came out as a homosexual when I was around 10 years old. The family shunned him bc of his sexuality and bc of how he handled it. My mother ended up not wanting me & dumped me on my Dad to raise. So I basically never saw either sides of my family bc they didnt want to see my Dad. And fast-forward 20 years and here's where we're at. It really burns my ass bc it is this unspoken "we ignored you for 2 decades but here's a house to shut you up". They have slowly allowed my Dad back in but, my Dad doesn't really care about them to be honest. Anyway, there's no sense in me rehashing all of this garbage. It just really blows my mind how things have ended up. And I have this strange feeling towards other humans bc of how selfish people really can be. I have this desperate gnawing force in me to be the "good" in the world bc there are far too many people like my family.

On this forum, the advice given is often to set boundaries and stand up to manipulative and in this case, bullying family members.

Please know that many of the folks who write this to you have dealt with the difficulties of doing this....the anger, the nastiness, the "scorch the earth" attitude of these folks, because I'll bet no one has ever had the courage to stand up to them so they just have no idea how to handle it. But they did it because they had to protect themselves and their families. They know you may read their advice and feel overwhelmed at the very idea of looking at your uncle and saying, no that's not possible...you'll need to make other arrangements. They know it's scary for you.

But you can do this, with your husband, for your own family. The way he's been treating you folks, this is a toxic relationship that can only get worse. If he can care for his brother, he can find Plan B. Better that you all live in an apartment for while, making your own way on your own terms.

Reach out to Dr. Laura. You can find her on satellite radio serious XM CH 109 at 2:00pm EST or Google her and go to her website. Her last name is Sclessinger. She will cut through all of the issues you have that they are "family". There are services that these people can utilize. Good luck

Jblack1216: No, you are not to be held responsible for either uncle. Those kids need to come of the woodwork and step up! Psycho uncle should be housed in a mental ward and 400# uncle aquite likely will die from a stroke! My daughter's father-in-law weighed 425#, sedentary lifestyle

Jblack1216, first, I am so sorry you're going through this.I'm way older than you, honey, and from a lifetime of experience, let me tell you; just because you are related to someone by blood DOES NOT mean you have to take care of them, like them, love them, care about them. Learn to say NO, I'm not going to do that. Your daughter and husband come first. Focus your attention on them, and YOUR father. Your uncles have CHOSEN their life and the way they chose to live their lives. Your husband is being USED by your uncle for his skills. Your uncles are bullies. I have two siblings who are homeless, and I have nothing to do with them. They chose their existence by their poor choices, abuse of others and addictive behavior. Your uncles don't care about you as a person; they care about you as a potential caregiver. This would be a great lesson for your daughter to about setting boundaries. Breathe deep and value yourself enough to say ENOUGH and I AM DONE. Hug your daughter and husband :)

A gift with a great big string attached is no gift at all, Take it from someone who has had to deal with a situation on a much smaller scale. You will be expected to jump every time he says jump. If he is lucky enough to be able to afford help, then he should hire someone, Tell him that they won't be 'strangers' after he gets to know them!

Look into getting a guardianship in place now for schizophrenic uncle. Other uncle can do it intellectually, probably harder emotionally. But the information is on the internet and can be printed out. Also Elder Care attornies can handle it. You have the right to make your choices, imho, and to feel as you feel. You do need to do what you can do without hurting your choice family.

JBlack, I would see an attorney. Did they obtain building permits from the county or city before building the structure? I would confirm this. If not, they may be fined and have to tear it down. And even if no one notices it now, if the land is ever sold, it won't be a legal structure. I sure would hate to waste money and effort into something that has to be torn down.

Assuming they did get the permits, I would discuss this with your husband and if you agree, then tell them you don't want to stay and leave. There is always help for people with disabilities who have no one else to care for them. Unless he gets a Will, when he dies the property will pass according to the laws of intestacy.

So glad you didn't think I was being abrasive CB :~) I do understand about being a people pleaser, spent a long time being one :~( But at 58 & widowed I'm learning new ways :~) Get out just as soon as you can, so your little girl has the loving family the three of you can be.

Magnum makes a good point in that if you continue to be dominated and manipulated by uncle #1, your daughter is going to learn that this is an accepted behavior and grow up to be a people pleaser and subordinate, submissive individual.

I wouldn't think you'd want your children to have that kind of terrible legacy to deal with all her adult life.

I would add that continuing to just take it trains her to potentially just take abuse herself.

I think you under rate your strength. If you had enough strength to start your own life by getting married and courageous enough to have a child then you have what it takes to stand up to this toxicity and flee the kool-aid.

cmagnum: yes, this is exactly what initially got us talking about picking up and moving back to my home state. There is this weird co dependent Dad relationship to where if he doesn't get his way he hurls insults and then feels bad and tries to butter me up. Then the whole uncle thing. Then his parents are just as controlling as my uncle and alcoholics to boot! We realized we need to hit the road for our sanity sake and our daughter. However, it is hard for him and I both to deviate from what controllers want, because, well, we're basically woosies. lol But, due to you fine people we will be set straight from my reassurance.

Lucy, you are so sweet. I appreciate your response. I had the same idea as you "get the heck out before we drink the kool-aid, too". lol And yes, my daughter is what led me to post here today. I actually just told my husband last night something along the lines of what you said. I told him if we allow these people to continue disrespecting us that she will never respect us either. He and I are people pleasers and it is stopping NOW.

If you can't be strong enough to say no for you, then say no for your child.Your little one needs M & D right now. Further down the line your child is going to be far more aware of the situation, is this the role model you want for your child's own adult life? If yes then go with the flow. If no, then stop right now. Don't let another generation start learning this nasty behaviour.You are at the moment talking of adults who are able to make adult choices and finance those choices. Get you and family the h*ll out of there while everyone is reasonably of sane mind.If you wait until further ill health/dementia kick in then you'll never get a life of your own.So sorry if I sound tough, don't know you, but I do care.

Forget nice and focus on being nice to yourself and to your immediate family. Abusive people like nice people because they count of them being overly nice. You may want to look into why you are so overly nice. Many of us who are have been groomed to be that way by someone in our past.

If he becomes a danger to himself, one calls Adult Protective Services. The State (usually) government appoints a guardian or conservator and that person is responsible for making sure the elder's needs are met, i.e. home health, NH, etc. Don't worry, he won't live in the street unless he resists or rejects their help.

But it sounds as though he has the means to hire help. He may be one of those folks who makes up a plan in their heads and assumes that everyone else is going to be bullied into it.

Babalou, I am American. lol I have no idea who cares for the elderly if there is no one to look after them, I have never thought about it to be honest. I have discussed with my dad that my uncle could easily hire aides to come in and help him, he has the money to hire help. I have suggested this to my uncle and of course he doesn't want strangers in his home etc... I will look up FOG, thank you for the suggestion.

cwillie, you are so right! I guess him hating me is much better than me hating me for tolerating whatever he dishes out to me.

Thanks GA, you said everything I wanted to say only so much better! J, your uncle is only now retiring, so despite his poor health he will probably live many more years. You need to walk away from this whole situation. He will rage and you will feel the pain of not meeting his (unrealistic) expectations, but it is nothing to the way you will feel if you wake up 10 years from now after having let him manipulate you into lifelong servitude. And I think Baba... is asking, what would uncle do if you had never been born? There are many childless elders out there and they have to plan accordingly, there are other options.

I mean, if you all walked away, or if you didn't exist in the first place, who cares for the elderly in your country? (I got the sense that you're not in the US).

You Don't HAVE to care for him. Presumably, Garden Artist pointed out, you live in a jurisdiction that has outlawed slavery. He can't MAKE you do anything. He can't make you feel anything. Those things are under your control.

Decide to walk away and if he becomes a menace to himself, you call whatever government agency takes charge of elders who can't care for themselves.

And do look up FOG--FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT. It's what he's using to control you. Listen to what Garden Artist is telling you.

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