Dear Bossip: We’re Engaged To Be Married, But I Found Him Looking At Gay Websites & He Says He’s Not

I really don’t want to write this because you usually SLAY people whenever they write you, but I have nowhere else to turn.

I need help. I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years with a man and am newly engaged. He plays soccer overseas and I am finishing school to get my bachelors degree, so for the most part, our relationship is primarily long distance. We have found a way to make it work despite being apart for 9-10 months out of the year (I often go to visit him and he comes to visit me). Long story short, I caught him looking at gay p0rn. Actually, all sorts of weird p0rn honestly, but what stood out to me the most was the fat girl p0rn and gay p0rn. Specifically: transvestite sex and BDSM transvestite p0rn. WEIRD to say the least.

Anyway, I was devastated and confronted him and asked him if he was gay. He of course denied it and said that he was just really freaky (and he is) and said that he watches so much p0rn because he is overseas and does not want to cheat on me. Eventually he just started getting off to any and everything he could find. During our argument, I repeatedly tried to get him to admit to me that he was gay because of course, looking at gay p0rn obviously makes you gay right?

Well, he nicely reminded me that I used to be bisexual and asked if I was gay because I still continue to fantasize about/enjoy watching women. Ironically, I don’t feel like I am gay because I realized that that is not the lifestyle I want to live and ultimately I want to be with a man. Although, I am still attracted to women I have not the slightest intention on being with a woman ever again in that way. So, I said no. But, he’s right. It’s the same shoe, different foot.

So, eventually I retreated my threats and after some time I forgave him and remained with him.

He said he’d stop looking at it if it bothers me, but I wanted him to stop looking at it because it’s wrong, and it’s gay. He tried to make it seem like any sex is sex and just because that is what he watches it doesn’t mean that’s what he wants to do with me (the BDSM or feeder porn) or anyone else of that matter, it’s just freaky to him.

But, men don’t just look at tranvestites, black men especially. It doesn’t help my peace of mind that my butt and breasts are huge and he is in absolute awe of my body, but literally only worships my butt! (Go figure).

It’s been a year and I’ve often checked his computer and he hasn’t been on those websites since. Well, at least not to my finding. Am I wrong for feeling like this makes him gay and feeling like he will leave me for a man or something crazy like that because I’m a hypocrite!?! However, I fear that when he leaves again, he’ll start looking at it again once he gets bored or even worse decide to experiment during our engagement or worse after we’re married! I mean he clearly fantasizes about being with, a man or at least a transvestite, right?

It is because of this that I am hesitant to marry him and obviously cannot stop thinking about his sexuality. I try to be an open book and keep communication open between us, but this topic clearly makes him uncomfortable to talk about. He treats me like a freaking diamond, is extremely romantic and thoughtful, manly, God-fearing, sexy, and very successful. I absolutely adore his family, and he mine and we pray together. He’s everything any woman would want in a man, except I am not sure if he is gay/bi, even though he tries to make it clear that I am his end all be all. The funny thing is I am so kinky, I could care less if he is bi or previously was as long as his heart is mine and only mine and as long as we enter a monogamous marriage.

I don’t want to look back and wish I’d made a different decision, especially if he comes out of the closet on me and embarrasses me later on. We’ve talked about it since, but something is just not right. He wants to marry me soooo badly (so we can finally have kids and live together), but these insecurities are really killing me. I don’t know how to feel, think, or what to do. And, I have not told anyone. I need advice, help. – Concerned About His Sexuality

Dear Ms. Concerned About His Sexuality,

Girl, there are so many things wrong with your letter, and I’m holding myself back from laying you out!!! You are truly sad. Sad and pitiful. You make lots of accusations, blanket statements, and judgments, but I peeped your game. Ole blankety blank blankety blank so-and-so!!! Holding my tongue. Just holding my tongue.

The problem isn’t your man and him watching gay p0rn, the problem lies with you and your insecurities about your own sexuality. The hell you’re going to sit up here and condemn gay people and say being gay is wrong, yet, you’re bi-sexual?!? You sleep with men and women. You have a problem with being gay, so therefore you condemn gays because of your own issues. You are a hot a** mess! You are the worse kind of person. You are the epitome of ‘those’ persons who say they hate and can’t stand gay people, yet, you’re gay and trying to hide behind the façade while throwing stones in a glass house. Well, the glass has shattered! Clean up in aisle 3!!!

And, you’re lying to your man and yourself when you say that you will never do it again, but, yet by your own admission you said that you fantasize and are still attracted to women. DO NOT PUT OFF YOUR ISSUES ONTO SOMEONE ELSE. You are the damn problem! You can’t accept who you are, and you have a problem with your own sexual identity. And, because you don’t want to be gay, bi-sexual, or whatever the hell you’re trying to fight, you’re trying to make him the bad guy. Girl, miss me! Ole trifling a**!

But, I am a firm believer that you attract that which you are. So, how does it feel knowing your man is watching transvestite p0rn, and getting off to it? Yeah, you’re worried about him, but what are his thoughts and views about you and your sexual identity? Have you addressed that? Obviously not because he threw it up in your face when you tried to throw stones and accuse him. So, for him to throw back leads me to believe that he has, is, and probably thinks you’ll want to be with a woman at some point. So, what is he supposed to do with his feels and thoughts?

You are truly selfish, trifling, and so many other things. You’re obsessing over the possibility of your man being gay, yet, you’re gay and trying to fight your urges and deny who you are. YOU ARE GAY YOURSELF, MA’AM!!

And, before you two get married, I strongly suggest that you two go to marriage counseling, and you need to be in personal counseling to deal with your own personal issues around your sexuality. To sit up here and say you’re bi-sexual, but you’re not interested in that lifestyle, and you feel you’re not gay and that you prefer to be with men. HUH? What? Being LGBT is not a lifestyle. It’s who you are!!! It’s not an option on an application form that you check. Chile, you folks with these issues about your sexuality are truly not going to do me today. For the record, rich is a lifestyle. Hip Hop is a lifestyle. Being LGBT is not a lifestyle! Ugh!!

But, hold up, at the end of your letter you write, “The funny thing is I am so kinky, I could care less if he is bi or previously was as long as his heart is mine and only mine and as long as we enter a monogamous marriage.” What the hell!?! So, if you don’t care if he is bi-sexual, then why did you write the letter? Marry him and go be happy in your own damn warped shaped dark bubble.

Oh, but, I get it. You think he will eventually one day go out and be with a man. He will not feel satisfied in the relationship with you, and he will go fulfill his desires and needs with a man. Actually, it’s the thoughts that you have about your own damn self that you are projecting onto him. You’re the one who actually feels that your desires and needs to be with a woman will come surging back, and you’ll step out on him. You’re the one who is having thoughts about him not satisfying you, and you will need to be with a woman to make you feel good. Because you’re in denial about your sexuality you feel he is denial about his. I get it. Be honest with yourself, and then you can be honest with him. But, your lies will be the downfall to your marriage. Trust me. Keep lying to yourself, to him, and to everyone else, but one day you will have to face the truth. Wake your a** up!

This is why you need to be in therapy to deal with your issues and your sexuality. Free your mind and the rest will follow. You’re dragging him into your insecure and unstable a** life. Your life is not together, but you want to marry someone else to make you feel better about yourself. You’re questioning your sexual identity, and in denial about who you are, so you figure marrying him will make you not desire women any longer. LMBAO! Girl, I can’t! And, now that you’ve caught him watching some gay p0rn, you can’t handle the heat in the kitchen.

Let me wrap this up because you’re not going to have me caught up in your trick bag. Does your man watching gay p0rn make him gay and want to eventually go out and try it? Possibly. Who knows. But, I don’t know any straight men who purposely sit down to watch gay p0rn no matter how freaky they are. No matter how much they want to get off, and how freaky they may be, there are thousands upon thousands of freaky a** videos and naughty sites that will fulfill his desires to get off. And, I’m sure many straight men have vivid imaginations whereas it won’t take much for them to get themselves off. Therefore, him purposely watching gay men, and in particular transvestite BDSM could be a fetish or desire he may have. Whatever it is, you won’t know what he’s doing because 9-10 months out of the year you’re not together. And, you can monitor and snoop through his computer all you want, but you can’t monitor his d**k. BOOM! BAM! POW! I just hope he’s strapping up before he gets it in. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!