I am in Sydney at the moment for some intensive psychology training. New experiences, new people. Away from most of my usual and familiar comforts, and mostly really enjoyable!

As the time has gone on, however, I find myself feeling things that remind me of when I was a teenager. In particular, the feeling that who I am is not ok, that I somehow have to be more extroverted, more exuberant, more animated, more witty, less intelligent, less gentle, more sociable, louder.. and the list goes on.

Memories of people saying things like, “You know, you’d be really pretty if you smiled,” or “when I first met you, I didn’t like you,” or “you’re smart but your ugly,” are resurfacing as I put myself into a situation I haven’t really been for a while. (Probably deliberately because of how bad I had felt in the past!) To add to that, I am also noticing how uncomfortable I am eating with people I don’t know well, and to be honest, I didn’t realise I was still feeling this so strongly!

I know these feelings are all remnants of my younger years, the eating disorders I’ve had, the social anxiety I have felt, the depression.. and yet, they still evoke reactions now. As I notice them arise (and they must if they are going to move on), I have gently reminded myself that this is old stuff, that I am different now, and that I am me and that is all I ever need to be.

Still feeling a little shaky, I sent Ben a message saying, “How can I feel happy knowing that I am likable today?”

His response: “Let others see that you love who you are, and at the very least they will like you.”

I felt so moved by this as I know it to be true. Self-love is all we ever need to focus on. When we love ourselves, we will love others, and others will love us.

It may not always look and feel the way we think it should, but it will always be true. Love attracts love.

The past few days I have been finding it tricky to pinpoint exactly how I feel. I’ve been feeling tired, but there was more to it than that.

After bashing around with the feelings for a bit and attempting to convince myself that I felt ok and didn’t need to look more deeply, I FINALLY sat still. Oh how much can be seen in a still moment!

On the surface I thought I was ok, however, I had observed certain behaviours of mine that I know only come out when I am feeling less than my best. I think most people know what I’m talking about. Usually we stumble across these behaviours when we are young and they kind of just hang around. The way you can tell what these behaviours are for you specifically is how you feel about them when you engage in them. I know for me when I notice myself resorting to these behaviours more I feel sad. I feel angry at myself and feel like I should have more strength and conviction to refrain. I feel weak. Unworthy. I also tend to compare myself to others who I believe would NEVER do such things, and convince myself that I haven’t made any progress (usually this is SO far from the truth). The fact that we even notice is a sign we are progressing 🙂

I was attempting to define exactly what the feeling around these behaviours is. It’s not simply feeling tired. It’s more than that. It sort of feels like “I-can’t-be-bothered-ness”. It feels like complacency. “I-can’t-do-it-ness”. It feels lukewarm. Undecided. It feels like I have tried and failed to be absolutely aligned to my values 100% of the time (see how impossible this standard actually is!?) so what is the point? It feels like I’m tired of failing. It feels like feeling good and loving myself is just not worth it. Everyone else can do it just not me.

As I sat with this for a while I felt a light go on. First of all, let’s reframe this. We aren’t failing, we’re progressing. It’s always wobbly when you are breaking new ground. Secondly, these behaviours aren’t really what we would choose to do if we knew we were capable of choosing absolutely anything. They are sort of more just our default.

I looked up default. Failure to fulfil an obligation; a preselected option adopted by a computer program or other mechanism when no alternative is specified by the user or programmer.

Woah. Could it be that the default happens when we don’t choose options that promote us to thrive? Not choosing takes us to the same place as choosing the default directly because that is where we will end up if no better path is selected! It’s not really the current default itself that is the problem, it’s the fact that we haven’t defined clearly enough what we choose as our ‘anti-default’ or our preferred pathway. We need to be clear, know our reasons why, and see it playing out. We need to believe in our strength and be super dooper specific.

I’m excited.

To continue with the computer analogy I looked up in computer terms what one needs to do to change a default program. The answer? You need to be specific, customised, and user-defined. As one tech guy replied, “The moment you define them.. (as in the programs or pathways).. they are overwritten.” The way I connected this to life is that we need to define a pathway that is specific and customised to who we are and where we want to go from here. Our program needs to be detailed, it has to be “user” or self-defined, and it has to be written by us personally!

Seeing things this way inspired me! We just need to pay more attention to where we want to go from here rather than trying to resist where we know we don’t want to go. I’ve seen it like this before but now it makes even more sense. Let’s start fleshing out the new programs. Add in the details and see it playing out instead of the default any time we feel ourselves slipping into indifference. Once we do that we just need to trust the new program to “overwrite” and do it’s thing.. we will have created a new kinda default. One that we have customised and set to thrive.

As humans, it seems like so much of our time is devoted to finding and implementing ways of improving ourselves. We grow, we change, we move, and we desire more for ourselves and those we love. Just like plants that grow taller or bigger, humans naturally want to do the same.

With this as as strong underlying drive it is only natural that we invest much of our mental and physical energy into this. Whether it be ways to improve our health, create more financial stability, spend more time travelling or being with friends and family, or improving a skill of some kind.. The list is limitless. There is always something else we could be a little bit better at or a little more focused with.

What occurred to me this morning though, is that sometimes in our desire to be better we try to jump too far too soon. We try to squeeze into places we aren’t quite ready for and rather than feel excited about our progress, we feel squeezed, tried, forced, and disconnected. Instead of being excited that we completed the next step of our journey, we feel sad that we are not ten steps further ahead. We tighten things around ourselves when we are not ready for it.

An example that comes to mind here is someone who wants to lose weight. Imagine they are two sizes bigger than they would like. They start to lose the weight and find that they can probably move to the next size down in clothing! Instead of being excited and celebrating their progress by buying clothes in this size, however, they go out and buy clothes that are TWO sizes down. They start trying to wear these clothes now and instead of feeling light and happy in their new skin, they feel uncomfortable, tight, and like they don’t quite fit. They’ve jumped ahead just a little too far. Instead of supporting themselves in their current progress and feeling excited and inspired to continue, they feel disheartened and depleted.

The point of this is to simply say, you are doing amazingly. Celebrate your progress and where you are now. Where you fit right now is beautiful and you will continue to move towards your goals in a natural way if you ease yourself into it. Loosen those reigns a little if they are feeling a bit tight and know that you are doing perfectly.

Today was one of those days where my energy felt so divided. It felt so half and half. I kept flicking from feeling focused, excited, and enlivened, to feeling totally overwhelmed, incapable, and unworthy. Eek! It was crazy!

One moment I would be on a roll, feeling good with the investment of my energy, then bam, next minute I would feel like I had fallen flat on my face with the wind knocked out of me (metaphorically).

As this happened over and over and OVER again I found myself thinking, “What the heck is happening?? How can this happen repeatedly in the one day even when I can see it?” It’s like I was powerless to stop the momentum of the repeated pattern.

Then it hit me.

“Sarah, it takes guts to keep getting back on that bike! And not only guts, energy and determination! The reason you keep falling off is because you keep getting back on! If you just gave up and lay in the dirt you wouldn’t fall off again but it also means you aren’t getting any better either. You don’t just fall back ON the bike. That is all you.”

Woah. When you look at it like that it is pretty darn cool. What was shame suddenly transformed to pride.

“I’m one of those people who keep getting back on the bike. I’m not just on the sidelines, I’m in the ring giving everything I have!” A Champion who won’t give up until the feat is mastered. I’m not sure if there is anything in the world I would rather be than that 🙂 Falling off gives us the opportunity to be a hero!

In case anyone else is feeling like they are falling off the bike over and over again, know that you are in the League of Champions! (A league I just made up! hee, hee..) While it doesn’t take much to fall off the bike – even just trying something for the first time is enough – getting back on requires guts, courage, and determination. Falling off isn’t shameful, it’s the way it works! haha. Sometimes you may need a rest for a while but when the times comes to give it another go.. Be proud and give it all you’ve got!

One day you’ll be on a roll that just keeps rolling and there won’t be anything that can stop you. Getting back on will be just as simple as falling off..