Archive for April, 2013

I had seen the box it was in, and I’d given them their present, and I had started to really wonder what their present for me was. Though they’d kind of dropped a hint when they’d warned me they were planning on putting something in my butt later…

They bent me over and blindfolded me. It’s been a long time since I’ve been blindfolded for sex (have I ever really been blindfolded for sex?) and it was really exciting, feeling all exposed and unable to see what was going on, or even see the bed in front of me. All I could do was feel.

I felt their fingers slide over me…slipping over my ass, lubing me up. They slipped inside easily, first one finger, then a second. There may have even been a third at some point…I moaned, trying to stay quiet, and pushed back against their fingers. They slowly slid in and out, and then a hand slid over my cunt. I probably stiffened for a second. ”It’s the other hand,” Garnet reassured me, and I relaxed into the stroking and prodding, feeling so very vulnerable as fingers slipped over and inside me.

Then, something else pressed against my ass. Something cold and very very smooth. Slowly, gently, Garnet pushed and it slid inside me, stretching me a bit, opening me. Then it popped into place, and I gave a little whimper. I love that feeling, when a plug slides into the spot where it’s supposed to be. There was a pause, and I both heard and felt a small click, and then could feel the soft tickle of fur. ”Happy Easter, bunny,” Garnet said softly.

It is worth mentioning that I have really really wanted a Crystal Minx Magnetic Bunny Tail Plug from Crystal Delights since I first saw one at TFW last summer. So once I heard/felt the click of the magnet, I knew what it had to be. I’m pretty sure I wiggled excitedly and babbled my thanks, and said something about being the very luckiest bunny. Because I am. I still feel deliciously spoiled that they gave me this plug.

They clicked the tail off, explaining that they didn’t want to get lube on it and they didn’t have a towel handy to clean me up. Their plan, I think, was just to put the plug in me and then we’d go to bed. But I was so excited, wiggling and trying to push back against them, they ended up grabbing my hips and pushing against me, against the solid base of the plug. And then somehow they had a dildo in their hand and they were pushing it into me and I was pushing back and whimpering at the feeling of being filled up by them.

First, they slowly pushed a newer toy they have, with a knot at its base, into my cunt and and I wriggled and whimpered as it spread me open. It felt really, really delicious…and it also kept popping out. They set that aside and slid a different toy inside me, pushing hard and fast. I ended up face down on the bed, panting and sighing as they fucked me so hard and fast, my brain kind of shutting down. ”Aww, are you going to come?” Garnet asked in a gently mocking tone. I somehow managed to get out that I didn’t think I’d be able to without vibration, but that everything just felt sooo good…

They fucked me like that for a bit, hard and fast and delicious, and I honestly didn’t care a huge amount if I came or not. It was just so satisfying to be filled up like that. Once we established that the orgasm wasn’t happened, and I rolled over onto my back, things started to wind down a bit. We were both kind of tired, and I was rapidly approaching a state of being all fucked out.

They let me sleep with the plug still in place, though. Something I’ve never done before. It was really exciting (and way more comfortable than trying to sleep with a dildo in my cunt), and while it was definitely comfortable enough that I still slept well, it was really thrilling to wake up in the night and still feel that fullness in me.

Do I crave structure? Oh my goodness, do I ever! For starters, I am a perfectionist. That sounds like the sort of thing you say on a job interview when they ask what your biggest failing is (which is to say, it sounds like complete bullshit). But it’s true, I am a perfectionist in the worst, most awful, frustrating, paralyzing way. The sort of perfectionist who can never start anything for fear that it won’t be good enough. Seriously. By my last semester of college I would force myself to write papers I’d been procrastinating over by getting slightly tipsy before starting. I basically bought a mini-fridge just to keep my $5 bottles of “champagne” chilled.

I am about a million times more secure when I have very clear instructions about what to do/how to do what I’m doing. Otherwise I just get overwhelmed and anxious and terrified I’m going to do the wrong thing. I would rather do nothing at all than screw up. Clear, structured steps telling me how to do something help so very, very much with getting started.

This is why I like rules. Rules are really awesome. And super clear, step-by-step instructions are even better. I’m actually really indebted to Laura Antoniou, who really hammers home in the two classes on service I’ve taken that, unless otherwise specified, do things the quickest, most efficient way. Which usually leads to a joke about calling in Merry Maids, but it also helps me with my fear of being wrong. I actually do know how to clean the bathroom, for instance. I don’t have to worry as much about doing it wrong.

I also really like routines. Like, to the point where sometimes I wonder if it’s entirely healthy. It’s less of an issue when I feel pretty okay about my life, but there have been times where things haven’t been going well where I basically felt devastated by having to walk on the “wrong” side of the street on my way to work, or by “my” booth at the pizza place being occupied.

This is less of a thing than it used to be, but I still really like routines. Like, on Sundays I clean my room, on Mondays I go grocery shopping and do laundry. Even if I miss this things for a good reason, it throws my whole week a little out of whack.

So yeah…structure and routine are basically some of my favorite things. I’m working on trusting myself enough to try things for a first time, even though I may not do them perfectly that time. It helps that Garnet is really good at gently correcting me the first time I get something wrong. Also, they’ve given me a phrase for when my perfectionism gets really out of hand — progress, not perfection.

It’s tricky sometimes, but I am slowly learning that progress is probably actually better than perfection.

I still have a complete inability (and utter lack of desire) to read any of the Fifty Shades trilogy. I have, however, been reading Jenny Trout’s hilarious and disturbing (hilaristurbing?) chapter-by-chapter summary/takedown of these books. Seriously, you should read this. It will a) let you actually know what happens in the books, which I was honestly really curious about, b) confirm that a lot of what happens in the books is pretty awful, and c) make you laugh a lot. I especially enjoy the way she refers to the “hero” of the books as Chedward.

So. One thing I needed clarified about Fifty is this: Ana never signs the contract. Which, I mean, not all D/s or any other sort of kinky relationships require contracts. Garnet’s and my contract expired last June, and with work and all the various chaos on the past year or so that’s only just settling, we never got around to renewing it. Contracts are both comforting and hot to me, but they’re not for everybody. However…I kind of figured that after the tiny snippet of the book that I actually read (the part detailing the contract and Ana’s reactions to it) that at some point Ana relents and agrees to some sort of D/s.

Here’s the thing: she doesn’t.

There is no actual, consensual D/s anywhere in any of these books. Seriously.While Ana and Christian occasionally have “kinky” sex (which, in my opinion, ranges from the boring to the physically-and-anatomically-impossible…but still boring), but Edward* spends a bunch of time talking about how he wants to have a “normal” relationship and how Ana is his girlfriend and not his submissive.

…so then he proceeds to tell her what she can and can’t do, emotionally manipulate her into doing what he wants, and talk at length about how much he wants to beat her when she does something he doesn’t like. I used to joke sometimes that Dr. Asshole was into “nonconsensual 24/7 D/s,” but actually we have a word for that. It’s called abuse.

These books are just super gross. Super fucking gross. I’m really glad Jenny Trout has posted about them, because her pictures of cute kittens and RPattz making goofy faces definitely helps mitigate something that I would normally find upsetting-to-borderline-triggering. And abuse + occasional spankings =/= consensual kink. It just continues to enrage and upset me that these books are such a sensation. And I’m incredibly disturbed and frustrated that so many things have been published about kink and this book and what it means that it’s so popular. This isn’t kink! It’s romanticized abuse!

Ugh…I feel a little like I’m going around in circles here, saying both the same things I said before and that oodles of other people have said. I…just…need to rant a bit about this sometimes. Another really good point about the nonsense in Fifty Shades was brought up by one of my favorite authors of kinky smut, Laura Antoniou:

This is such a good point, and I just…the story is set in Seattle for Christ’s sake. It somehow seems even more sinister to me that Christian doesn’t, say, take Ana to a munch or encourage her to do any of her own research at all about kink. He chides her at one point for buying the “wrong” nipple clamps and butt plug, how the fuck is she supposed to know any better? I know I just spent a bunch of time ranting about how what they’re doing isn’t D/s, but I also find it really creepy that he gets to be the all-knowing god of kink while she’s pretty much always in the dark. I am wary of any dominant who doesn’t want to keep their partner well-informed, even if this aspect is maybe unintentional on James’s part. I mean, she got all sorts of other things wrong about Seattle (I’ve heard), so why would she have researched the city’s kink community?

Also, why the fuck didn’t Ana go shopping for those nipple clamps and plug at Babeland? They’re in Seattle! And what sort of nipple clamps are “too hardcore” for beginners (besides clover clamps) that are available in lots of sex shops? We don’t know what she bought! They’re never really described! It’s all just a set-up to make Christian look sooooo knowledgeable about sex and Ana soooo innocent. Fuck that. Like, I get the fantasy of a young virgin being swept off their feet and taught about sex and pleasure by a suave and knowledgeable older partner, but Ana’s not being taught anything–Christian basically keeps her in the dark as much as he can, which is creepy and gross and heavily implies that he wants her to think that the only way she can experience sexual pleasure is with him. Fuck that.