SecretLeeds - History, culture and architecture in Leeds

Joke of the Week

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Mon 01 Oct, 2018 6:08 pm

by volvojack

A young black lad is married and lives in Alabama and like many other couples have no prospects at all. One day he wins the National Lottery which amounts to millions of Dollars. They take off for New York and stay in the Plaza Hotel. They decide to book a Round the World trip and both shop on Fifth Avenue. Having toured most of Europe they are now in India and staying in a beautiful hotel just outside Delhi. as the weather was a little cooler he donned his Nike Cap, black polo necked sweater with cream slacks. His wife decided to o shopping in Delhi so he strolled outside. On the way the receptionist says "If you play golf we have a nine hole course at the back plus a self drive range, May i say you Sir have a remarkable likeness to the International golfer Tiger Woods". He is quite pleased at this and picks up a club on his way out. Strolling out on the Green very soon one of the little natives that are sweeping the grass and manicuring the bushes shouts "Look Tiger Woods" Tipping his Cap and swinging the golf club although he has never ever played in his life. Walking a little farther on and more of the natives Are dancing up and down "Tiger Woods, Oh Tiger Woods", he still walks on.Sir The following morning the headline in the Delhi Newspaper reads " American tourist eaten by Tiger in Woods"

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Tue 02 Oct, 2018 5:40 pm

by blackprince

On similar lines to above: A group of trekkers is being led by a German guide in Alaska. An English tourist yells "Wolfgang , Wolfgang run".The guide turns round and says how many times must I tell you my name is Heinrich.Next day's headline in the Alaskan Times - " German tour guide eaten by gang of wolves"

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Tue 02 Oct, 2018 8:22 pm

by volvojack

A young man running through the Olympic village wearing vest , shorts and carrying a 12 foot long strip of wood. Someone stops him and asks are you a Pole Vaulter?. He replies "No I am German but how do you know my name is Walter"

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Mon 08 Oct, 2018 5:23 pm

by volvojack

Mike is going on his first blind date, and he tells his pal Ted that he is worried."What do I do if she's really unattractive ?" Mike asks, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Ted says, "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned.But if you want to escape, there's a 'Date Rescue App' you can install on your phone.You schedule your phone to ring just after you meet her, and answer with,"Mum, what's the matter? Are you O.K. ?" It works every time.

So that night, Mike knocks on the girl's door, and when she comes out he is awestruck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl's phone rings andshe answers it ....."Mum, what's the matter ? Are you O.K. ?"

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Mon 08 Oct, 2018 5:25 pm

by volvojack

Jack decided to go fishing with his buddy Bob They loaded up in Jack's motor and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "Im afraid neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of fishing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a solicitor. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he had met on the fishing weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our fishing holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house, and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name and giving my address instead of telling her yours"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy... Im afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything in her will to me."

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Fri 12 Oct, 2018 6:02 pm

by volvojack

A man goes into a Cafe, sits down and picks up a menu. when the young waitress wearing a mini skirt and low cut blouse comes over to take his order he says "I fancy a quickie" she walks away in disgust. 10 minutes later she returns and asks "What is it you really want " Looking at her he repeats "I would really like a Quickie " She leans over and gives his face a really hard slap and storms off. The man is rubbing his face and looking puzzled. The man sat at the next table leans over, pointing to the Menu he says "I think you will find that the word you mean is Quiche"

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Wed 17 Oct, 2018 10:21 pm

by dogduke

The reporter from a local paper went to interview a lady aged 85 who had just been married for the fourth time

Very unusual said the reporter,I have never come across any one of your age marrying so often.Over the course of the interview he asked about the previous husbands and what the did for a living.Well she said,my first husband was a banker,the second was a clown,the third a funeral director and my new husband is a vicar.Well said the reporter,that'san odd mixture.Well said the lady,not really because,It's one for the money,two for the show,three to get ready and four to go

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Thu 18 Oct, 2018 7:18 am

by volvojack

[quote="dogduke"]The reporter from a local paper went to interview a lady aged 85 who had just been married for the fourth time

Very unusual said the reporter,I have never come across any one of your age marrying so often.Over the course of the interview he asked about the previous husbands and what the did for a living.Well she said,my first husband was a banker,the second was a clown,the third a funeral director and my new husband is a vicar.Well said the reporter,that'san odd mixture.Well said the lady,not really because,It's one for the money,two for the show,three to get ready and four to go

"Like That One" dd.

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Thu 18 Oct, 2018 8:15 pm

by tilly

A man walks into a pud and asks for a pint of bitter he drinks it says its pi.s and walks out.He goes in the next night and orders a pint of bitter drinks it says its pi.s and walks out .Same the next night before he can order the landlord says pi.s off he says i will have mild then.

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Fri 19 Oct, 2018 6:23 pm

by volvojack

After a recent visit to Ireland the Pope was asked various questions including one "What was your opinion of County Down" to which he replied He didn't think it has been quite the same since Carol Vorderman left.'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''Fat Wife staggers into the Kitchen covered in cuts and bruises "Didn't you hear me fall down the stairs?" Husband replies Sorry Love, I thought it was the beginning of EastEnders.……………………………………………………………………….