ETC.

February 2009

February 23, 2009

All right, here we go again. LORE is the Loyal Order of Reenactment Enthusiasts.

They are a branch of the Crossroads Group that puts on the Koronenberg Ren Faire and the Cutthroats of Corona Pirate Faire (at which the Alliance of the Double Cross will have a rather nice encampment.). LORE is set up to offer classes to those who want to learn about characterization, guilds, costuming, etc for the Renaissance period and/or Pirate era.

I will be teaching a class called Cutting Wit. Basically, it is a hands-on class, teaching the difference between true sword fighting vs. staged sword play for an audience.

Captain Greydog and our Master Gunner Jean Pierre will be teaching his class on the swivel gun. I was never truly into guns, as my forte is the bladed weapons, but these swivel guns and canon are freakin' awesome.

February 16, 2009

You have seen it everywhere. The debate as to which group is better, Ninjas or Pirates. The sad reality is that it isn't even a competition.

PIRATES ARE THE BEST!!!!!

Let me make this easy for you. While most people simply try to evaluate which group is tougher, there is so much more in play here. Let us take a look just a few of the ways that Pirates totally kick Ninjas' asses.

1. Wenches--Pirates have wimmins galore. Hot pirate wenches with their powder kegs pushed up and their sterns all a'showin'. Pirate wimmins don't mind showin' love (or lust as it were) and are frequently 3 sheets to the wind that they won't remember who ye are so no real issue of paternity.

Pirate women often times have less teeth thereby making sweet sweet convenient lovin' less dangerous and the rest o' their hygene is not great either, i.e. no complaints about how we smell.

let me ask y'this. Ever see a ninja with a woman? Didn't think so. Honestly, I think their whole little secret boys' club is a little hinky meself. "Oh, let me towel you off Matsuo-san." mm hmmm. Think about it.

2. Attire--Pirate clothing, first and foremost doesn't need to be clean. How nice is that? In fact, the belief that clean clothes are best saved for when they are new is fantastic. No laundry days, ergo we kin fights all the time. Ninja's probably have to wear their laundry day gi. How embarrassin'.

Next, our clothes are flashy--big coats, brass buttions, bright colors, cool hats. Ninjas don't even get hats. And we choose our own clothes. Any dead mate or enemy in your size or close and ye' gots a new wardrobe. Ninjas have all the same color--black. Took a lot to think o that didn't it? And what gives with them thong flipflops with socks? Are they yuppies? Annnnnnd, they are so embarrassed by what they wear they have to cover their faces. Well, that and the fact that they are so ugly they have t' cover their faces.

3. Resiliency-- Now, when a Pirate gets his eye gouged out or he has his hand lopped off, he just gets a replacement piece made o'wood or steel and keeps goin'. Lose a leg, you're Long John Silver--famous. Lose an eye, you're Ragetti in Pirates of the Caribbean--famous. Lose a hand, you're Captain Hook--famous. If'n we gets captured, that just makes for a good social hour or so and a fine story later. Usually involving continuous insults to our captors until our mates comes and rescues us or we can get a sweet deal turning on em.

Ninja gets a boo boo, they kills themselves because they have dishonored their master. They needs t'Cowboy Bebop up (Anime reference) and keep going. As a matter of fact, these boys are so wussy some of them poison themselves if they gets captured.

4. Weapons--The Cutlass, the Hanger, The Hunting sword, the Boarding Axe, the Dirk, the Flintlock, the Blunderbuss, the Boarding Pike and more. The weapons have fantastic names...and scary t'boot. Cutlass--two syllables, thick and mean. A meat cleaver that can be rusty or not. No big deal. Pirate weapons are lovely and mean.

Guns (canon), swivel guns (small canon) flintlock long arms and handguns. These are rock solid weapons here that will put a hole in you. Let me guess, ninja say, handgun not honorable. Honorable this Tetsuo, when I blow you a new arsehole.

Ninjas have to (pronounced toe). Now therebe a scary weapon. The part of the body that goes wee wee wee all the way home. Also, what gives with the weapons like children's toys? Lawn dart thingies, metal jump ropes? Puh leeze. Also, they have to throw things like little girls. These shuriken (not even a real word. Ninjas made it up) are just snowflake lookin' pieces of metal. Puhleeze. Any pirate worth his salt has already had enough social diseased these are nothing. And besides, whoever heard of a weapon that could be lost through the slats of a fence (personal experience. Stop. I was young and needed the money.)

5. Notoriety--That is right, we be famous and we has great stories to go along with our names. Blackbeard gets shot a bunch of times, then gets his head lopped off and has it stuck to the bowsprit for the voyage home. Not only that, his headless body swims around the ship 3 times before it finally goes down to Davey Jones Locker.

Anne Bonny runs off with pirate Calico Jack Rackham to adventure finds Mary Read (a cross dresser at the time) and has a wild threesome while pirating. Finally getting caught, she and Read were knocked up and couldn't be hanged. Poor Calico Jack felt happy he were hung until he were hanged. Mary dies in prison and Bonny is secreted out and lived a long and happy life.

Black Bart Roberts was a conservative Chrisian fellow who abhored wine, wimmin and song until he was pressed into service on a pirate ship then became captain then became the more successful and violent pirate to this day. Our boy died by taking a canonball to the chest and having his men chain him up and toss him overboard, so's leaving his body and a lovely jewelled cross buried at sea as we speak.

There are tons more, but I won't go into em right now. Point made.

How many famous ninjas are there? None...zero...zilch. That is right. Other than that "Ninjitsu Master" we see on the telly now and again, who is there? No one. And logically, if no one is famous, what good stories do you have?

"We showed up to assassinate a rival shogunate when Kazuo threw his shuriken and missed sending it into other room through slat in fence. He could not live with shame, so he took out wakazashi and disembowled himself with honor while I cut his head off for him. He such hero."--LAME!!!

That should address the big issues as to why there is no contest at all. I believe this is a ploy by ninja public relation firms to get ninja back into the public eye (so to speak). I mean really...ninja are so 80's.

I welcome comments, though really, ninjas suck enough as it is. We don't need to ninja bash.

The first annual PyrateCon. Incredibly wonderful time and everyone there was great. Here is a smattering of Pyrate friends from around the country. If ye recognize yerself, let me know and I will title the pic appropriately.

A wonderful day in Corona, California at the German Village of Koronenburg. This is a nice smaller Renaissance Festival put on by the Crossroads Group. They also produce classes though their L.O.R.E. program. Loyal Order of Recreation Enthusiasts.
If you recognize anyone here, please let me know so I can label the picture correctly.