Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. – Voltaire

Good Reads, My Friend Claudia

Claud has been knocking it out the blog park lately with some great pieces on her own site and others. Two of my favorites from today include her personal perspective on Obamacare and an excellent explanation of what is wrong in US domestic adoption using the Veronica Brown case as a backdrop.

And I learned a new phrase today. I wont share it here but if you read the first article you may see it yourself. It is not nice but it amused me. I thought I was pretty well versed on slang. Heh. Go read. If you find the new phrase, report back here.

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11 Thoughts.

I assume you’re referring to the rhyming pejorative description of someone who was, in fairness, coming across like an ass–that was new to me too.

Considering that I swear like a sailor on leave–no, really, my kid got hearing aids & we put in a cuss jar, for me! after she started talking–I was surprised to be surprised.

The piece was really strong, though–thanks for the link!

I’m often surprised by how much of a stretch it is for those not affected by adoption to grasp that no, this IS how the system works. I mean, lots of good dialogue around Veronica’s adoption, and somehow it stops at the water’s edge when it sinks in that this was not a black swan event. This is what happens every day; the SCOTUS gutting of ICWA made it notorious, but the adoption agency’s lawyers were all yawning and trying to subtly check their watches to make sure their tee time didn’t get overshot.

Haha. Yes, Alex that was the phrase I was referring to. I am a bit of a word nerd and really pride myself on knowing the slang, kid talk, etc. and when I read that I was like “WOW! Now that is a new one even for me.” I believe the original person had a good point (and that is that adoptive parents are lied to about what it means to be an adoptive parent) but clearly the readers did not like candor or choice of words. Hence, that creative phrase. Not sure I will ever use it (I despise that C word) but it amused me none the less. I got schooled.

: )

Sadly, I am too familiar with the actions of the type of people that picked over the carcass of the Dusten and Veronica parent child relationship. Hence why I made sure people read others and realize it is not Claud just being one of those “bitter birthmothers” (and if she is, I am as well!). It happened to me in 1986 and continues to present day.

Just wanted you to know I am learning a lot from your blog. I found out about it today, through your review of Mridula Koshy’s book. I then saw that you posted a link to your review on Lorraine and Jane’s blog. I have been following them for a while now. I am an adoptive mom who adopted from foster care. Call me naive, but I am shocked at your story from the mid-80s that sounds like what I have gathered about the 60s. I am so very sorry for your loss.

Hi Jay! Welcome. Yes, my experience is very BSE. One of the many reasons I continually state “it did not stop”. If you haven’t already done so, check out my page “Best of the Blog” (top right of blog). I have been blogging here for close to ten years. Those entries were voted most popular through the years by my friends and readers.

Congrats to you for adopting from foster care. Imagine if all the children there were given priority over womb wet infants? Much admiration for parents who adopted out of foster. Two readers here (Michelle and Rose) have as well.

Suz, I just began reading your “Best of the Blog.” Your writing is powerful and riveting. Am I understanding correctly that at the moment you are not in touch with your daughter? That has me teary, if it’s true. I hope she navigates her way back to you.

No Congratulations deserved for adopting from foster care. It was pure chance that led us down that path – and now I am grateful. The foster system is not perfect by any stretch. I found several social workers and foster parents (especially “foster-to-adopt” parents) who were not adequately supportive of biological parents who were trying to rehabilitate and reunify with their children. They looked down upon the biological parents and often wanted them to fail so that the adoption could proceed.

Overall, with all its imperfections, I still am a fan of the foster system and would not pursue private adoption – now that I know what I know. Two children came into our lives through the foster system and each benefited in a different way. If you want to read my experience, here is the link:

Sadly Jay, your assumption is correct. My daughter cut off what little contact we had (an email once a year or so) several years ago. I have no idea why. I have my theories but they are just that, theories. I have no idea if she will reopen communication. I hope she does. But for now, I go on with my life. This time our separation is her choice. I find some sort of peace in that..as much as it saddens me. For once one of us had a say in our relationship that was not dictated by the church, my parents, the agency or her adoptive parents.

Suz I am so sorry. The impact of a single life occurrence, a child getting placed with an adoptive family (usually not an affirmative choice), can have such complex consequences for everyone concerned. I feel for your daughter too. I wish you both peace and an intimate connection at some point in the future.

Jay – Finally had time to read your article. Enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing.

Reminded me of a blessing in my older sisters life time. She could have been Rayna. Only in her case she had given birth to fraternal twins and was struggling with drug addiction. She was lucky enough to have a caseworker that supported family preservation. Her twins were placed in foster care for a little over a year. Sister became very close with the family and after she had completed required programs she got her children back. While not in contact with the foster family (twins are now 19 years old) she remembers them fondly (as do I).

Suz, I am very uplifted by your sister’s story. Thank you for sharing. I love hearing about the good that comes out of foster care. Rayna had lots of advocates on her side too – seeing her recovery up close is what made me passionate about family preservation.

And since I am on here, I want to respond to your comment on FMF about “The Light Between Oceans.” I know there are stretches of writing about scenic beauty that might seem labored and detracting from the story line. If you do finish the book, I’d be very interested to hear your perspective.