So everyone waits for months to see the giant shark movie, The Meg (2018), and in some theaters in 3D. Was it good? Yes and no. (Put the cost to see it in the “no” column.) First, the shark looked pretty realistic and quite “shark-y.” The acting/action was tight, as was the dialogue.

So where’s the beef? The filmmakers blew several chances to have the Megalodon really chew up the scenery, if you catch my incoming tide. That whole scene where there are thousands of people on inner tubes in the water should have been a blood bath, with the Meg straining bodies through its mega-mouth like krill. In all, a fail not to show more chewing-with-your-mouth-open and blood-gushing scenes for a shark movie.

As neato as the shark looked, the concept art made the swimming mouth look tons more britches-staining. So much so, if I was out on an inner tube drinking a beer and saw this thing in the water, I’d pollute the water. Then the water would be polluted and hopefully scare the shark away. At least, that’s what I’m betting my inner tubes on.

So here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not get you banned from community swimming pools. (Still waiting for my appeal to be heard)…

BEYOND THE SKY (September 21, 2018/VOD/Limited)
“A man has a powerful and traumatic connection to alien abductions since his early childhood. He sets out to disprove the alien abduction phenomenon by attending a UFO convention — but then meets someone, who claims to have been abducted every seven years on her birthday, he realizes there may be more to these claims than meets the eye.”

Too bad she wasn’t born on February 29, a leap year, so she could minimize the probing. I’m also thinkin’ that if the guy is out to disprove alien abductions, then why was he so traumatized by it? As my proctologist says, why not go for the ride?

POSSUM (2018)
“A disgraced children’s puppeteer returns to his childhood home and is forced to confront his wicked stepfather and the secrets that have tortured him his entire life.”

I bet the stepfather caught the budding entertainer working on his lucrative career with his pant puppet. And as we all know, practice makes perfect.

ONE CUT OF THE DEAD (2018)
“An epic, 37-minute opening single take makes Shin’ichirô Ueda’s feature debut a bright, breezy and laugh-out-loud hilarious zombie comedy. A film crew is shooting a zombie horror flick in an abandoned water filtration plant, allegedly used for human experiments by the military. Just as the director browbeats his actors and demands more special effects blood, a real zombie apocalypse erupts, much to his auteur delight. Packed with meta-movie references as mocking as they are loving, this relentless takedown of the Living Dead genre is a total blast.”

This one came out in November 4, 2017 in Japan, where Godzilla’s day job is in deconstruction (heh). It’s also been raking in a ton of giddy reviews, so when it comes to the States, I’ll have to giddyup and go rent it.

AURORA (2018)
“The passenger ship Aurora collides into a rocky shore, destroying the livelihood of an entire island — forcing Leana, the owner of a rundown inn, to work for the victim’s families by finding the missing bodies for a bounty; risking her sister’s life and her own from the dead that will come to shore and find shelter in their home.”

Crud-a-rama — the trailer, which admittedly looks kinda spooktacular, is in sub-titles. I have a hard enough time trying to read the ingredients on a can of Budweiser™. Why can’t they just put “Contents: Beer” and just leave well enough alone? P.S. I didn’t know zombies could swim. Is there the undead can’t do?

Watching YET ANOTHER “the moon landing was faked” documentary. This is a British version. British people are too polite to lie. As for where I stand on this unending conspiracy, I do not believe our astronauts landed on the moon. I believe NASA built an artificial moon a few blocks from my apartment. That’s where they shot the footage and thereby faked the entire thing.

Only problem is, they didn’t get rid of the man-made moon and it’s just sitting there, all moldy and looking like an abandoned World’s Fair attraction. That, and it’s pull on our tides is screwing with my bath water. Stupid fake moon.

And here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi that may or may not need to go in and/or out with the tide…

THE MAGNIFICENT DEAD (available now)
“In the 1870s in the small Texas town of Rosewood, local rancher Jared Hamilton and his men have declared war on the town, using fear and death to prevent a new railroad line from coming through. Guided by a priest, Father Julian the desperate town leaders decide to hire a group of six gunmen to help clean up the town. These gunmen are legendary, as they are afflicted with Leprosy and fight with reckless abandon and ruthlessness, for they have nothing to lose as they are already dead.”

Back in those days, lepers is what sick people were called instead of zombies/walkingdead/undead/straddling the life/death fence’rs. The town leaders should’ve called on the Old West’s Jonah Hex because he’s a lot less “germ-y.” (Antibiotics weren’t invented until 1929 and then commercialized in the ’40s. I have no idea why I know that.)

INHERITANCE (June 2, 2017/Limited)
“Ryan Bowman has just inherited a $2.5 million beach house on the central California coast from his biological father, a man he’s never known and thought long dead. Arriving in the charming town with his pregnant fiancé, Ryan’s curiosity about his father soon leads him into an introspective investigation. As a looming family presence tightens its grip on him, Ryan pushes away his adoptive family and expectant fiancé. When he finally discovers the horrifying truth about his birth parents, he might be too late to stop himself from repeating a similar pattern.”

Who cares? A $2.5 million dollar beach house?!? Geez, quit yer b*tchin’ and TAKE THE MONEY. Some people don’t know when to just shut up and make their way towards the cake.

THE SCHOOL (2017/2018)
“Amy, an attractive, successful surgeon, struggles to cope with her emergency room duties and those of a young mother looking after her hospitalized son who has fallen into a coma. After being reprimanded by her boss, Dr. Wang, for obsessively believing her son will wake up, she becomes trapped in a coma/purgatory of her own – The School – where children from her past emerge to taunt and test her to her core, putting in doubt whether Amy will be able to save her son and leave The School.”

Her boss is Dr. Wang? Wonder if he’s a urologist?

POSSUM (2017/2018)“A disgraced children’s puppeteer returns to his childhood home and is forced to confront his wicked stepfather and the secrets that have tortured him his entire life.”

You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you end up as a disgraced puppeteer. That’s right in there with being self-employed and hating the guy you’re working for.