Most Hollywood remakes suck. This news shouldn't take
you by surprise. But it's pertinent because
adaptations of old shows, movies, books, and even
comics have flooded theaters this summer, with no end
in sight. The Bad News Bears. Bewitched. Herbie.
The Honeymooners. War of the Worlds. Even
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The list goes on
and on. If history is any indication, some of these
remakes will delight old fans while scoring legions of
new ones. But most of them will suck. Hard. So why is
this?

People think remakes flop because Hollywood lacks
originality. Nice as that sounds, it doesn't explain
why old ideas are being pillaged and plundered so
poorly. The truth is, the remake makers have no clue
how human beings relate to culture. They film movies
for viewersnot fans.

Take me, for example. I'm a guy. And like most guys, I
can quote ruthlessly from a catalogue of well over six
thousand films. In fact, I've made it through whole
dinners just quoting Rocky III, Old School, and
Gandhi (though the last one provided me with
decidedly little material). Sometimes, this works
against me. I've quoted from Spaceballs so many
times that I can't watch the movie anymore. Yet, to
this day, I still enjoy quoting from it. The reason
for this inconsistency? The experience of Spaceballs
has transcended Spaceballs itself. I took the things
that I liked and made them my own. I could never go
back now. It would be like watching a rough draft.

The way an audience receives a work of art is just as
important as the work of art itself. This fact
separates the remakes that soar from the remakes that
suck. A prime example is Godzilla. By most accounts,
the original was a classic (even after being diluted
for American audiences). But when they remade it in
1998, it featured Matthew Broderick, a souped up
dinosaur, and a Puff Daddy update on Led Zeppelin's
Kashmir (which may have been the worst song ever
recorded). It followed the standard hire-a-star,
buy-fancy-graphics, slap-together-a-soundtrack
formula. And it stunk. Their mistake was trying to
recreate Godzilla instead of trying to recapture it.

On the other hand, 1995's Brady Bunch Movie
succeeded because the people who made it realized they
could never outdo the original program. Instead, they
satirized it through the prism of anachronistic
fandom, placing the '70s Bradys in '90s America. This
warmed a lot of hearts.

I look forward to the Dukes of Hazzard movie, but I
doubt it'll surpass the Family Guy episode where
Peter paints his station wagon like the General Lee
and attempts to get it airborne. This is something
only a Dukes fan would consider doing. And if I had to
guess, it's something most Dukes fans have
considered doing. You see, it wasn't just the airborne
General that made that show special. It was how the
airborne General made you feelhow it worked with
your imagination, instead of at it. The Dukes built on
the cultural experience of moonshine runners, and,
likewise, the Family Guy builds on the cultural
experience of the Dukes. In so doing, it creates a
cultural experience of its ownlike ancient stories
passed down, and added to, through oral tradition.

So if you think remakes suck because Hollywood lacks
originality, you might want to think again. Americana
is a culture; and as one of its stewards, Hollywood
shouldn't give up that remade ship. What they should
do, however, is try making remakes that capture the
context in which the originals were enjoyed. After
all, that's the whole point of remaking old shows and
movies to begin with.

In closing, here's a gratuitous list of things that
wouldn't suck:

1.Arnold vs. Webster: Remakes of
Diff'rent Strokes and Webster are inevitable.
Instead, Arnold Jackson and Webster Long should face
off like Alien vs. Predator. This would allow them
to settle the age old question: Who was the better
short black kid adopted by white folks in a 1980s
sitcom? Bonus points if the Gooch, Mr. T, or Nancy
Reagan run in for a screwjob ending.

2.A Nightmare on Elm Street This one's been done
to death. In the remake, instead of random teens, Elm
Street should be populated by the Brat Pack (i.e.,
Judd Nelson, Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall,
etc.). Freddy Krueger should haunt the sets of
St. Elmo's Fire and The Breakfast Club, killing
the actors and their dreams (instead of killing them
in their dreams). Bonus points if it ends with
Freddy filming a B-rated Phantom of the Opera before
killing Robert Englund's career. More bonus points if
it fails to resemble Scream in any way.

3.Charles In Charge: In the show, Charles lived
with a family and watched their kids. A few years
later, the family moved out and a new one moved in,
but, somehow, Charles stuck around and kept his job.
What was he, an appliance or something? Did he come
with the house? In the remake, the Pembrokes and
Powells should live in parallel worlds, which collide
and cause trouble for Charles. Bonus points if he
double-books dinners with both families and runs back
and forth between the tables while inexplicably
changing his outfit. More bonus points if he
quadruple-books dinners with his boss and Gwendolyn
Pierce. Points deducted if worlds colliding fails to
create multiple Buddy Lembecks.

4.The Facts of Life: When this show started, it
took place in an all-girls prep school. Then it
evolved into a few of the girls living in a house with
their RA, Mrs. Garrett, who was later replaced by some
other lady, who eventually turned the house into a
store. The remake should explain why those girls felt
the need to live with a substantially older woman
after they graduated. Bonus points if the remake's
never made.

Jonathan David Morris writes a weekly column for The
Aquarian and other publications. He can be reached at
jdm@readjdm.com.

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