I’ll Take “Jokes I’m Tired of Hearing” for $800:Jeopardy! made a “Call Me Maybe” joke because it is really hip and understands today’s youth. (NPR)

Give Us This Day Our Daily Bey: Beyoncé’s publicist goes on the witch hunt for “unflattering” photos of Beyoncé. As if such a thing exists! (BuzzFeed)

What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas: Especially when you’re Britney Spears and you’re considering a Vegas residency. If negotiations go through, she’ll be a slave 4 u several nights a week. (SPIN)

Meet the Quokka: This marsupial is so cute I would put it in my pouch steal one for myself if I could. (Slate)

Sitting Duck: Turn your unfriendly, biting dog into an unfriendly dog that looks like a duck with this Japanese-designed muzzle. That’s $22 well spent. (The Daily Wh.at)

That’s What She Said: Ellie Kemper from The Office is getting her own NBC comedy, and when you get your own NBC comedy, you must get a book deal. It is law. (Vulture)

Keep Your Shells On: This concert pianist tried — and failed — to get these endangered tortoises in the mood. (Yahoo! News)

Put Some Pants On: A Japanese town wants to cover a naked statue of David, a replica of Michelangelo’s famous sculpture. (TIME)

“Jesus Christ, Is This An NPR Convention?”: Comments by Jack White, Ghostface Killah and Billy Corgan top the list of the meanest things bands have ever said about their fans. (Flavorwire)

Cory and Topanga Forever: If this interview with your favorite, fictional high school sweethearts doesn’t get you excited about the upcoming Girl Meets World, maybe all this fanfiction will. (Entertainment Weekly)

Trash Talk: Garbage disposals were illegal in New York until 1997 because New York is the weirdest. (New York Times)

Keep Calm and Carry On: The history of that one poster you hung in your college dorm room. (YouTube)