Thursday, March 01, 2007

You're From The Ocean, She's From The Red States Day!

Arguing with her has grown so frustrating that lately you just try to keep your mouth shut. She talks about where she grew up and the way her parents used to talk as if she had no choice but to believe the exact same things.

"You don't know what it was like," she'll say. "You grew up amongst the coral and all those luminous plants."

"Oh so because I'm from the ocean I'm able to avoid acting like a complete bigot?"

"I'm just saying our experiences were different growing up. It was simpler for you."

She's so fucking condescending sometimes. The only thing she knows about life in the ocean she learned from watching The Little Fucking Mermaid.

"I guess I just didn't experience the extreme hardships caused by all those weak immigration laws. Your family must have truly suffered in their suburban Missouri neighborhood."

Today's going to be a rough day, but you've put off making plane reservations long enough. You're going to have to tell her you're not going home with her for Easter.

"Some old friends invited me to spend the weekend in their underwater cave in the Atlantic 900 miles off of the UK."

She'll let it sink in. Then: "How long will you be gone?"

When you don't answer, she'll start to cry.

"Let's just give it a shot," you'll say. "I'm from the Ocean, you're from..."

"I know where I'm from! And you've been hanging onto that I'm from the Ocean shit as your get out of this relationship free card ever since I met you! It's like you only dated me because you knew it wouldn't work out and you'd have a perfect excuse when it was time to walk away!" Then she'll run to the bedroom.

It's true what she said, you know. You haven't really tried very hard.