CO2

AUSTIN, TX (AP) – After a brief disturbance where he refused to get off the plane, Mark Phillip arrived back in Austin Tuesday morning.

The world tour ended earlier than widely published, but rumors abounded that there was to be a special passenger on Continental’s flight 2 this morning. Flight CO2 (known simply as the Carbon Dioxide flight in many circles) landed early, pulling into gate 16.

After touchdown, witnesses report hearing Phillip talking with a flight attendant about his shock at the temperature, saying that 51 degrees Celsius sounded a bit high. After a 6-year-old across the aisle informed of his unit of measurment gaffe witnesses say he flew into a rage.

The child’s parents recall him being confused at first, just saying “No! No! No!” repeatedly. When their daugther, fresh off her award-winning first grade paper “Fahrenheit, Celsisus and You”, assured him it was Fahrenheit, he charged the girl screaming, “No! Don’t you dare say Fahrenheit! I swear, if you say Farenheit one more time! What fucka? Like box?!?”

Even the pilots were not safe from his rage.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going? You’re gonna turn this plane around and get me back to paradise post-haste bitch!”

In the terminal various theories quickly circulated about the disembarkment delay, but were quickly dashed when he was heard bounding down the jetway screaming, “Yeah, I’m back bitches! What you fuck you gon’ do ’bout it?!?”