Direct from Crazytown: Charlie Sheen's 'Today' Rant

Charlie Sheen isn't doing himself any favors by going on the
interview circuit to plead his case. It was a series of interviews turned rants
that cost the rest of the season to "Two and a Half Man" week.

Monday, he turned to "Today" to explain his case, and they
gave him enough rope to make him look like the crazy man in the sideshow
exhibit.

Never has he shown up drunk to the set, he declared. Though
sometimes, he appeared, "a little sideways."

Looking like a streetcorner wildman seeking contributions
for wine, he declared himself straight, in manic terms a busted, late night
teenager might. "Look at me! Drug tests don't lie! Duh!"

I've always found "Two and a Half Men" boorish and unfunny,
but it's obvious Sheen knows how to make a compelling character for TV. You
couldn't take your eyes off the trainwreck.

In the interview Sheen swore he would never issue an apology to CBS for the current mess. Rather, "They owe
me a big one, publicly, while licking my feet! To have people think I'm insane
or don't think what I'm saying is true, then I have no interest in their
retarded opinions, I really don't."

And instead of his current $2 million paycheck per 22 minute
episode, he now demands $3 million.

"At this point because of psychological distress," he says
(acting like a crazy person, in a clip that will come to represent the
interview), "Tt's three mil an episode, take it or leave it! It's like:
everybody thinks I should be like begging for my job back, and I'm gonna
forewarn them, it's everybody else is going to be begging me for their job
back. It's how I roll, period, the end."

In scoring the interview, NBC not only undercut ABC's
Tuesday "exclusive" on "Good Morning America" and later in a prime time
interview, it virtually allowed a whole episode of "Saturday Night Live" to be
written from its verbatim transcripts. Jason Sudeikis is likely practicing rolling his
eyes and looking paranoid at this very moment.

Sheen says he won't go back to bad habits. Such relapses are for people
"who don't have tiger blood, people who don't have Adonis DNA." (He didn't say
whether he had these things or was taking them as supplements).

How will he deal with an understandably wary Hollywood?
"First of all come Wednesday morning, they're going to rename it Charlie
Brothers instead of Warner Brothers - Duh! Winning!"

It proved after all, Chuck Lorre doesn't write all of his
most hilarious bits. He was turning into Foster Brooks

And he's got the resume, people.

"It's like, guys: IMDB, right there. Sixty two movies and a
ton of success. Come on bro. I won best picture at 20. Wasn't even trying.
Wasn't even warm."

He mentioned he has "Major League 3" script ready for him.

Sheen says he's become sober by "closing my eyes and making it so, with
the power of my mind."

He continued to dismiss the "22 years of fiction" he got
from Alcoholics Anonymous which says "silly help book written by a broken-down
fool, who was a plagiarist."

Sheen, in a segment that seemed to endorse narcotics, said
he didn't turn to drugs and alcohol because of boredom. "No, I did that because
they work! They just change the way you see things; change the way you feel.
And yeah, when you're bored with the redundancy of certain aspects of your
life, yeah I think that's why people do them."

He wouldn't say he was out of control a few months ago, with
the porn stars and the wrecked Palace Hotel. "The choices I was making were not
leading to the results that I wanted," he said. "So I woke up and said, 'Dude,
you're 45 with five kids, let's do something different.' Because this thing is
boring. I got bored is what happened."

That's right: He calls himself Dude.

"I don't think people are ready for the message I'm
delivering and delivering with a sense of violent love," he said, talking about
the reaction to his recent radio interviews. (He dismissed the charges of
violence against women earlier, the word must have been on his mind).

Sheen picked out scribbled questions to showrunner Chuck
Lorre mostly about why the season was cut short. But also, he wondered why
Lorre "ordered the suits into my home to shut down my party" and said, "Clearly
he didn't bring gum for everyone."

As for CBS, Sheen declared, "We're definitely at war. The
war is that they're trying to destroy my family. So I take great umbrage with
that. And defeat is not an option! They've picked a fight with a warlock."

(I mean seriously, take your pick of catchphrases from this
goldmine).

He plans to win that war "with zeal, and focus and violent
hatred" - eyebrows now rising ominously.

NBC will parcel out the interview into Tuesday, where it
will go head to head against ABC's. So far, Meredith and Matt are refraining
from saying things like "What a nutcase!" and just playing the interview
straight. "Very unapologetic for sure," is what she said instead.

For ratings sake, they might want to revisit a passage the whole rest
of the week, it's so rich.

At some point, Sheen will run out of interested networks.
And he'll be ranting the same stuff at some bar to people who will slowly edge
away from him or eventually ignore him, too.

Poor Charlie, is dillusional, anyone is replacable. I don't get the show, it's following or the money he receives for a canned laugh show. Charlie isn't concerned about the people who work on the show, he's a self indulgent 40 year old. He thinks he has CBS by the kahona's, but I would be beg to differ.

Conan, came back stronger after his casting out by NBC, but Conan, doesn't have a history of alchol, drugs, alledged assualt, trashing hotel rooms and associating with less than stoller people.

I don't feel sorry for Charlie, he's just a pathetic looser who shouldn't be allowed on television to be viewed by kids as this is the path to success.

If, I were in a position of power at CBS, this would the final nail in the Charlie Sheen career coffin.

I'm so shocked at Charlies' comments and his attitude. I don't think he's as clean or will stay clean as he thinks he is or will stay. He seems to have some mental issues and I really without malice thinks he needs some kind of help. I would be curious as to what his family thinks. It's truly a shame. He is a good actor, not a great actor and to believe he needs more money is shocking. I've always enjoyed him but I'm afraid I will not be watching anymore of his shows until I see a great change in attitude. I feel sorry for everyone associated with this show and I deeply feel for them as they are a great asset to the show.

Charlie is the best Sheen. He does have an impressive acting resume. He does plenty of cool things, like renting out entire sections of baseball outfield bleachers for his friends to catch a homer. He certainly gets the top notch girls, girls that commenters on this blog don't get. So while it is easy to criticize this man, I suggest you look at yourselves first. As for those who disapprove of his female partners, his language, his use of drugs, or even what he says (racial remarks) or does while intoxicated, I ask thee who have no similar blemishes to cast the first stone. Charlie is one thing the rest of you are not, however: out in the open, exposed for all to see, and not trying terribly hard to hide from scrutiny. That takes courage (or balls if you will).

I never knew Charlie Sheen before this current uproar mainly because I am an old man and do not enjoy modern television or the movies. Much of the current generation is running on empty and doesn't deserve much thought. But Charlie is different and I think a person who is honest with himself and others. And a very entertaining and humorous man. His addictions are a problem but he is one of many in that regard, except his exploits are more public. Unfortunately for Charlie he is running up against the press which does not offer much in the way of intelligence or understanding. He's just a good story for the ratings. I think Charlie Sheen will build an audience of young people who appreciate honesty and a depth the media cannot understand or appreciate. For an old man who enjoyed his father and the generation before him, that is saying a lot for Charlie Sheen. He will be recorded as Muhammid Ali who fought the tide and especially the empty writers, columnists and TV talking heads and anchors.

I agree with a lot of the comments and what they said about Charlie Sheen as it looks like his fun glam life got the best of him and I wanted to say something else about you having fun by playing tournament games at gameon247 for winning daily prizes.

ABOUT

Roger Catlin is TV critic for the Hartford Courant and writes a daily column about what's on television called TV Eye. He is also on the board of the Television Critics Association. Before all of this, he was rock critic ... read more