Wow. Big-time mailbag today, people. We’ve got some seriously inexperienced readers in need of equally serious help. With the exception of one guy who married a slut, pretty much everyone is at the “crawl” stage today.

But you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. Except for the guy who married a slut. I would’ve liked him to do better for himself.

Gentleman and Scholars,

I like how only one of us is a gentleman. Probably flubby. He’s from the South.

Sex: So, I asked a question here once before and got some good advice, so I’ve decided to come back to the well.

Woo-hoo! Repeat customer! THAT’S BRAND LOYALTY, BABY.

My birthday is coming up soon, and a group of friends and I are going barhopping. Among our group will be a girl that I’m particularly into. We hooked up before a while ago but nothing since then, but I feel like that’s less that she’s not interested than just no good opportunities. As someone without a whole lot of game, do you have any particular advice for how I can best make sure that I bring this girl home at the end of the night (and bang the shit out of her)?

Classy. I have two recommendations: be an attentive gentleman, and be less drunk than everyone else. These are rules I try to apply in almost every social situation I’m in, but I recognize that this is foreign territory for some, so I’ll explain.

First, the drinking. I don’t know how old you are, but college students and young adults often act like getting drunk is some kind of race, like there’s some award for Asshole Who Consumes the Most Booze. Getting drunk, like life, is a journey, not a destination. So, with that in mind, people will likely offer to buy you shots for your birthday. TURN THEM DOWN. Let them buy you a beer or a mixed drink, but NO SHOTS. Don’t let people call you a bitch. Lie. Tell them you had food poisoning the night before. Have one or two of your close friends stand up for you to take off any peer pressure. Pound a glass of water every other drink (but drink it quickly at the bar — you don’t want to carry it around while socializing).

Now, some people are going to call this lame, but by the end of the night, you’ll still be pleasantly drunk, while everyone else will be HAMMERED. You’ll have all the looseness and confidence booze gives you without stumbling around or being sloppy. In a room full of drunks, you’ll look like Don Draper.

Which brings us to being a gentleman. When your little Susie Rottencrotch comes in, greet her with affection. Touch her arm and maintain eye contact while you say “I’m so glad you made it; it’s really good to see you!” or somesuch. Be friendly and into her without being too flirty or lecherous. Be attentive; ask questions. Offer to buy her a drink. If you excuse yourself from her — and you should, because it’s your birthday and you want to see your other friends (and not look like a puppy following her around) — make sure she’s not standing by alone by herself. If you talk to another girl, glance in Susie’s direction: make sure she knows you’re thinking of her.

Now, there are other people who will insist that you need to play games — ignore her, flirt with others, etc. — and those can be decent tactics depending on the situation and the craziness of the girl in question. But you can never go wrong with giving honest body language and comporting yourself like a responsible adult male.

Football: I am your stereotypical Ravens fan (doesn’t live/never has lived in Baltimore, blames the refs for every loss, etc.), so just putting that out there. But I have to ask: any love for the fact that they put the definitive period on the Patriots dynasty? All I’ll say is that after the unspeakably horror they made the Pats fans sit through in the Wild Card game, it made losing to the Colts almost bearable, which says a lot.
-That’s So Raven

The enemy of my enemy is my friend, right? Sure, I think we can give the Ravens credit enough for that.

Frankly, I’ve never really minded the Ravens or the Patriots. Being good AFC teams, they often meet the Steelers, and there’s no hatred like my hatred for the Steelers. In fact, here are the five NFL teams I hate the most:

1. Steelers
2. Steelers
3. Colts
4. Steelers
5. Rams

While our resident hater Christmas Ape can channel his bottomless well of bile toward whomever’s convenient, I’ve got a finite supply of impassioned contempt. Despite the occasional flare-up, I’m a pretty calm person. I do yoga. I can’t even hate the Seahawks’ division rivals properly. That Cardinals Hater’s Guide I wrote? It took me DAYS to compile that much swearing about a team I don’t really mind all that much.

Hello, I got some pussy burn on my penis.

You what now?

Had it for about a month and then I keep re aggravating the injury by not waring a condom or when my girlfriend is jerking me off before sex. So just wondering whats the best way to cure it.
-Ramrod

Okay, I don’t care what Urban Dictionary says, there’s no such thing as “pussy burn.” It’s called “chafing,” and you get it from not using lube when you’re jacking off all the time. If you even have a girlfriend, you didn’t get your chafing injury from her vagina, because vaginas don’t chafe penises. They simply DON’T. It would be counterproductive to the propagation of our species if they did.

Anyway, the solution: Neosporin, and a couple days of rest for your poor abused dick.

Captain Caveman,
I’m a freshman at a large state university. There is no shortage of attractive girls. Sometimes some even talk to me. Here’s my problem: I have no idea what to do with any of them.

Have you tried this?

Probably not. It’s more of an advanced move.

In high school I guess you could say I was socially a nonparticipant. I spent most of my time getting 67,000 kills in Call of Duty,

HARF

developing an interest in late 19th century Russian literature and various other pursuits that ensured the preservation of my virginity.Somehow I managed to have 2 girlfriends, but both were horribly awkward affairs that lasted less than three months with no physical contact worth mentioning. Also, I didn’t really like either of them, and basically went out with them because they liked me.

What a favor you did them!

So with this complete lack of social experience, I’ve been talking to a girl in one of my classes for awhile. She’s pretty, seems to have similar interests

Combat simulation video games and 800-word books?

and at least seems to like me enough to talk to me everyday. I don’t need to tell you that if I plan on not being a virgin forever I should man up and ask her out. I plan on doing so, but the problem is I have no idea what the norm is in college. I remember reading something Drew wrote saying he was so stupid that he asked girls on formal dates in college.

That’s because Drew went to dipshit prep school, then tried his hand at a big university before returning to the inbred teat of expensive northeast private school education. Now, don’t get me wrong: Drew is an exemplary father, husband, and writer, and we could all benefit by emulating him in those regards. But you shouldn’t necessarily listen to him about collegiate dating — even if he’s telling you to NOT do what he did.

Well, then what the hell do you do? As a freshman with a soul, and therefore unwilling to join a frat, I have limited access to parties and don’t foresee any situation that I’d be able to invite her to one. I don’t ever see her outside that class, no mutual friends, etc. My friends all either have girlfriends from high school they’re still with or are just as clueless as me. (As it turns out, I have two friends.)

Who the fuck has only two friends at a large state school? Don’t you live in a dorm? STOP PLAYING FUCKING VIDEO GAMES AND INTERACT WITH PEOPLE.

I know I shouldn’t ask her to come eat in the commons with me, but was hoping I could get some tips so I’m not exposed for the bumbling social retard that I am. At least not before hanging out with her.

After class, ask her if she wants to get coffee. Or say that you’re having trouble with the material and see if she wants to study for the midterm together. FIN.

And since this is supposed to be a sex mailbag: are girls really expecting me to be shaved down there? With no real reason to do so, I haven’t touched that mess. If I got with a girl who was unkempt, it definitely wouldn’t stop me. Am I right in assuming girls would be touchier about this?

Hell if I know. I don’t know any freshman girls. Unfortunately.

That said, let’s take some baby steps, okay? Here’s the situation: you’re an awkward, socially inept video game-playing virgin who made two friends in his first semester of college. You need to join some clubs — College Republicans, Hillel, the gay-ass rowing team, ANYTHING. Get your ass out of your room or the library or wherever you’re not meeting people and start engaging in social activity of some sort. Befriend someone who goes to the gym, and start tagging along. The more you’re around campus and DOING things, the more you’ll see and engage with people, and the more comfortable you’ll be around girls, and the more you might even get invited to parties.

That’s Social Interaction 101. Consider that a precursor to enrolling in Pubic Grooming next semester.

Football: Do you really think Stewart Bradley is that good? Everyone blamed the Eagles LB troubles on the fact that he was hurt, but I just think of him as a slightly better Mark Simoneau. And not just because they’re both white.
-Awkward McDorkington

No, he’s not that good. If he was, I would have heard of him.

Internet,
Fantasy: I guess I’ll bite the bullet and finally hop on this whole fantasy football fad.

Pet rocks and slap bracelets were fads. Fantasy football is a fucking cultural touchstone, and I won’t have you speak ill of it.

I like to research things in some amount of detail before I dive in, so I guess starting now might be nice. Any good beginner articles you would recommend?

Yes: the KSK sex/fantasy football mailbag.

The only thing you really need to prepare for is the draft. Google shit like “top fantasy running backs 2010″ and poke around the results. Look at stats. Check out Yahoo’s Roto Arcade blog a little before draft time. Examine which rookies might have good value in their offensive scheme — over the last two years, I snagged Matt Forte and Percy Harvin (both rookies with huge impact) — in the fifth round or later. Seriously, it’s not that hard.

Sex: I get pretty severe whiskey dick, to the point where I typically have to decide between having sex or getting anything beyond a slight buzz in an evening.

Brutal. The Sophie’s Choice of pleasure.

Building up a tolerance didn’t change anything, nor did losing that tolerance. I’m not too heartbroken that I’m missing out on the magical world of sloppy drunk sex, but the lady enjoys spontaneous things and I enjoy both good microbrews and getting laid as much as possible. Any suggestions? Internet searches returned nothing but clown porn and phallic-shaped shot glasses. I’m good at Google.
-Me

She likes spontaneous? Grab her when she gets out of the shower and have sex before you go out. Then drink up! You’ve earned it.

Anything more advanced than that, talk to your urologist. Maybe you can get some of those dick-hardening pills I keep hearing about.

Ok, so this is kind of a complicated situation. I was dating a girl for three years in college. She was (as queer as it sounds) the woman of my dreams. We rarely fought, we communicated well, and our sex life was amazing. She was absolutely perfect for me in every single way. Now, I graduated last May, and for some reason my Communications degree didn’t immediately translate into a career (WHAAAA????) and I had to move back home onto my mother’s couch. This couch happens to be 1200 miles away from my girlfriend, who was a year younger than me and finishing her degree. We tried the long distance thing for a little while and it just wasn’t working, so we decided to take a break for several months. As the time has passed, it has become clearer and clearer that we will not end up together. We still talk very frequently, and having been the people that we each spent the most time with over the past three years, we have become (by default) best friends.

Guhhhhh. How long is this email going to be? Because if it’s more than 90 minutes, I’d rather watch The Notebook. At least that has Rachael MacAdams.

The more we talk, however, the more I see a willingness in her to move on. Now, I am still very much in love with her, and the thought of her being with somebody else would absolutely crush me. This would not be as big of a problem if she weren’t so adamant about remaining friends with me. I care for her very much, and aside from being with her, would love nothing more than for her to be as happy as possible in any situation regardless of my involvement. Having said that, I have to at some point keep my own feelings in consideration, and while I don’t want to break off all communication with her, I feel that it’s the only way that I can ever fully move on. I was wondering if there is any protocol for breaking off a relationship like this? Should I really care this much? Or should I suck it up, stop being a pussy,

ding ding ding

and continue to suffer through the bullshit until I find someone else? My biggest fear being that I won’t.

I can’t guarantee that you’ll ever find someone else if you break off contact with her. However, I CAN guarantee that you WON’T find someone else if you keep making it clear that you’re her little dickless puppy of a best friend.

Whatever you do, stop being a passive character in your own life. Sack up and tell her how you feel. If she’s open to being with you again, damn the finances and move the 1200 miles back there. Make it happen. And if she ain’t feeling it, tell her that you need to move on and break off contact.

It takes a long time to get over someone you love. Like, a LONG. FUCKING. TIME. It sucks, but booze, sex with other women, and the passage of time will heal you.

Football:
Okay, this question is mostly for Ufford. I’m a Patriots fan (from before the asshole days if that can be believed) and I was just wondering what exactly Seattle fans are expecting out of Pete Carroll. He has never been a good NFL coach. He really hasn’t had to evaluate talent in eleven years, having been basically handed the best recruits in the country on a consistent basis. As a “player’s coach” he’s pretty much going to be pushed around by guys that are making ten times his salary. Also, he’s underachieved at every level of football in which he has coached.

I’m pretty hesitant to support Carroll’s case as an NFL coach, but I think that statement is stretching it. Even with USC’s habit of dropping a conference game they should win every year, I don’t look at that program under Carroll as “underachieving.”

Granted, he could have success in a pathetic NFC West, but am I really the only one that sees him pulling a Bobby Petrino and cutting and running as soon as shit goes sour in fourteen months?
-Rich

Sure, it could happen. But if he’s as bad as you say (and I secretly fear) he is, that would be a good thing for the Seahawks. (Also, the metaphor you’re looking for is “Nick Saban,” not Bobby Petrino.)

Greetings ass pirates,
Football first, are the Vikings going to miss Chester Taylor at all, or will purple judas get his shit together next season?

As for Adrian Peterson, I don’t want to discount the intelligence of the average football fan, because every fan with an Internet connection is just soooooo much smarter than every TV analyst and member of the mainstream media, but let’s look at the possibility that we might be overvaluing one or two fumble-prone games because they were nationally televised playoff games. In fact, Peterson fumbled less in 2009 (7 fumbles, or 2.2% of his carries) than he did in 2008 (9 fumbles, or 2.5% of his carries). Now, does he have a fumbling problem relative to other running backs? Yes. Are Vikings fans bitching excessively about a flaw of a monstrously talented football player? Also yes.

As for sex, I am a virgin dating a much more experienced girl (just came out of a long ass relationship) Is it a given that I will embarrass myself during our first sexy time session, or have I been made paranoid by the misfortunes of other mailers? I guess I should mention that shes not big on drinking(either of us), so I won’t be able to blame my drunkness if something goes wrong.
-Precious Booty

Everyone’s first time is embarrassing in some way, shape, or form. It’s nothing to be worried about. Just be glad that your girl at least has some idea of what to do.

KSK Life Advisers,
Football first:
1) Ten team, two keeper league, whom do I keep? McNabb (PHI), Fitzgerald (ARI), Wells (ARI), Grant (GB), Harrison (CLE), Ochocinco (CIN), and Smith (CAR) are the candidates. I’ve pondered it, and do not feel really good about any of them based on last year’s performance and off-season team changes.

There are only ten teams in your league, and THOSE are your choices? Blech. Fitzgerald and… uhhh… either Grant or Harrison.

Sex (not really):
No sex involved, but affecting the love life on my end. My wife and her friends decided one night that they wanted to go out for karaoke. They planned on drinking, so they asked me to DD. Under these circumstances, I usually drop them off and hang elsewhere so they can have their girl time. However, the particular bar they wanted to visit was a gay bar, and the girls hurled accusatory homophobe remarks in my direction for 30 minutes on the way. At that point I felt that I had no choice but to join them. We arrived, I get the girls their drinks and we get a booth. There is a two hour waiting list to sing, and while the girls are waiting, they point out a couple of guys that have been moving around the bar speaking to all the females. I had a feeling that I knew what was going on, and confirmed minutes later when they get to our booth: they’re straight and were trying to kick game where there wasn’t much competition. I didn’t mind that they take a seat with us initially, since the wife’s friends are both single. Unfortunately, both guys were especially attentive toward my wife, even though they had been made aware that she is my wife. One of the guys asked one of the girls to dance, and the other asked my wife. Instead of bowing out gracefully (after two drinks, not enough to plead inebriation) SHE TOOK OFF HER WEDDING BAND AND ENGAGEMENT RING, HANDED THEM TO ME, and headed to the dance floor.

FUCK. THAT.

They returned from the dance floor in time to sing their songs, and we left. After dropping her friends off, we returned home, and the wife let me know she was in the mood; however, after 30 seconds of foreplay, she fell asleep. The next morning, just in case she doesn’t recall anything, I explained what happened, and her response was, “I’m sorry.” I think that’s what infuriates me the most, because if the roles were reversed, we would not be together, and I would be sending her most of my paycheck monthly. She just handled the whole thing a little too nonchalantly. After a couple of months, I still can’t get this ordeal out of my head, but I want to let it go. How do I put this behind me? I think this could qualify as a sex question because I’d really like to get back to sex with her instead of just hate-fucking.

Other pertinent information: I would have danced with the wife had she shown any interest, so there was no question of me simply refusing to have fun with her. Prior to the guys coming to our booth, all girls agreed that the guys were certainly douches. I’m not a pushover, and could have easily dropped both guys, but that tends to ruin evenings, and I rather enjoy my (assault charge-free) lifestyle aside from this incident.
Sorry for the lack of brevity,
-Karaoke Cuckold

How do you put it behind you? Shit, man. It sounds to me like you already tried to put it behind you — and I get the feeling you did it without ever explaining to your wife how hurt and pissed off her actions made you.

At about half the weddings I’ve ever attended, the pastor or rabbi or whoever says something to the effect of “Love isn’t about looking into each other’s eyes, but looking at the world in the same direction.” It’s hokey romantic stuff, but there’s truth to it: in order to live your life together, you need to be able to see things the same way. So, fucking TELL HER how hurt and pissed off her actions made you. You probably explained her actions and your feelings to the KSK readership better than you ever did to her.

Ideally, once you’ve communicated your feelings, she’ll recognize how fucked up it was and understand that she hurt you. Eventually, though, you’ll have to meet her somewhere in the middle: all the apologies and make-up sex in the world accomplish nothing if you can’t forgive her.

For everyone else: the lesson, as always, is don’t marry a slut.

Hey CC, one of your female readers here.

Yay! They exist!

Sex: First, a little background on me. I’m 28, and I’ve had sex with three guys in my lifetime. I’ve done the serious relationship, and the fuck buddy. Have tried out different positions and locations. I’d say at this point I’ve had plenty of good sex, and have managed to have great sex a few times, but never anything mind-blowing.

All I want these days is mind-blowing, toe-curling, passionate fucking. I want a guy who’ll say ‘suck it, bitch’ (with conviction!) as I’m going down on him. Who’ll pull my hair when he bends me over the tailgate on my truck. I want the guy who will spank me and grab me so hard he leaves bruises. I want to have the threesome (another girl), and try anal. The only ‘love making’ I want to be doing is the morning after a wild night before.

Oh boy. You’re about to get a LOT of suitors in the comments.

Here’s the problem (I think this is the problem, although I’m sure you’ll let me know if something else is going on here): I only attract nice guys. The ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, touch me with kid gloves, take home to mom kind. Granted, there is nothing wrong with being treated well, but being taken out to dinner and given flowers doesn’t exactly get me wet. I’m sane (well, as sane as a woman can be), hold down a job, have no problem paying my bills, and lead a pretty pedestrian undramatic life. I guess I don’t really look the part of the vixen.

So how do I handle this? Should I slut up my look on a day-to-day basis and start running my errands in 4″ heels and a full face of makeup to try and attract a different type of guy (the asshole or douchebag)? Or stay with the jeans and t-shirt look but interact with the nice guys differently? I’m assuming your advice will probably be something like I should just tell the nice ones what I want, but having a guy tell me how badly he wants to fuck me after I’ve told him that’s what I want him to say takes all the fun out of it. And I know expecting a guy to know what I want without telling him is a bullshit woman trait, but I don’t care. Is it possible to have ridiculous sex in a normal, healthy relationship? Or do I just need to accept that the best sex will come via a fucked up, dramatic interaction with a total dickhead?
Thanks,
(Not so) Fat Hump

Wow, okay. A lot of material to work with here.

First things first: getting you laid properly. Anybody who’s worth his or her salt in the bedroom works off of social cues from his or her partner. And the cues don’t start when you enter the bedroom, they begin when you walk through the door and he sees you the first time. It’s not just about what you’re wearing — although 4-inch heels and a low-cut top send a different message than a hoodie and sneakers. It’s whether your hair is down or pulled back in a pony tail. It’s you pressing your chest against a guy’s arm when you lean in to listen to him in a crowded bar. Whether you discuss sex in a group of friends. How high up his leg you touch him when you ask him to come home with you. Et cetera and so on. Those are the clues that make a man think “THIS BITCH WANTS TO GET FUCKED” instead of “I think she likes me.” Eventually, you’ll find a guy who pulls your hair the first time you make out, and it’ll be ON.

And finally, a brief treatise on “nice guys” versus “assholes” and the state of masculinity in America. Here in New York City, I’ve found that making friends with other guys isn’t the easiest thing. There are plenty of smart dudes who are complete fucking pussies (your skinny-jean-wearing hipsters and tweedy bookish dorks), and there are lots of — how shall I say this? — Jets and Giants fans. The number of men who can display a basic level of intellectual dexterity while also be willing to defend a woman’s honor with his fists is alarmingly small.

So, for the male readers out there, consider (Not so) Fat Hump’s plight. Nerds, geeks, dorkbombers, and assorted shut-ins: do what you have to do to increase your credibility as a man. Generally, this means fewer books and video games, and more exercise and social interaction. Jocks and assholes: tone it down, Mr. Striped Shirt. Read some literature, watch independent cinema, and try buying a woman flowers. Perhaps one day we’ll all be decent human beings with good sex lives.

I want more like this!

Join The Discussion

question to throw to the panelists. if a girl breaks up with you, do you want to know if she cheated? she’ll be here in 2 hours for the closure talk.

03.11.10 at 4:55 pm

CaliCheeseSucks

Video Game Playing Virgin,

I, essentially, was you my first semester of college. Let me give you a piece of advice, nerd-to-nerd: join a fraternity. They’re not the soulless, partying bastards pop culture would have you believe. Yes, there were a few douchebags. But, for the most part, they were just like me except they weren’t socially awkward. Joining a fraternity, I instantly had 25 male friends and about 50 female friends (it’s a smaller college) and the brothers taught me the social skills I needed to make more friends, meet women, and get laid on occasion. Many fraternity guys will play video games with you. In a few years, you’ll be teaching awkward freshmen the same things. It’s the circle of life.

Being at a large school, you should have quite a few fraternities to choose from – get to know them! Don’t choose the first one you can find – find the one that’s right for you. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

03.11.10 at 4:58 pm

Erik

Eww: Hatred is the easiest path to getting over someone. I say yes. I am willing to entertain other arguments.

03.11.10 at 5:00 pm

Chest Rockwell

@ewww. im not sure what specific in your comment makes it seem this way, but it seems like you want to use that opportunity to beg her to get back with you. in which case, fuck a closure talk my man.

03.11.10 at 5:02 pm

Chest Rockwell

I am also with Cali Cheese. I was fairly normal in high school but i had a bitch of a time adjusting to college eight hours from home during the first couple of weeks. although i never thought in a million years i’d do it, i bit the bullet and pledged a fraternity. best decision ever. find one where the general social level is above where you’re currently at but still jibes with your personality. godspeed.

03.11.10 at 5:03 pm

Slash

That “Pretty Thai Woman” in that ad at upper right (www.thaikisses.com – I’m seeing it anyway, not sure if anyone else is) looks suspiciously… unwomanly. If you know what I mean.

Also, ewww: If she’s already dumped you, WTF do you need to have a “closure talk” for? Seriously. Don’t be there when she shows up. Go to a friend’s house or a movie or something. Christ… see, this is why many men don’t ever want to hang out with women. Because of the women who think that every motherfucking thing on the planet requires hours of agonizing analysis and soul-searching. She dumped you, it’s over, move on. There is no discussion required here.

03.11.10 at 5:04 pm

ax is back

“…800-word books”

nothing like a light read to pass the time between getting your dick wet

03.11.10 at 5:08 pm

Enrico Pallazzo

If you want to stop chafing, quit masturbating with a slap bracelet.

/excellent use of “somesuch”, Uff

03.11.10 at 5:09 pm

JimHalpertSmirk

Regarding the last letter, i have life experience that may or may not help: I dated a girl who had an eerily identical outlook on fucking. I like to think i treat women with respect in public, and she really liked that i didn’t mind bringing her out with the guys or paid for dinner or wasn’t a dick about seeing her around campus etc. now, the slapping/choking/hair-pulling/hard spanking stuff wouldn’t be something i would go to right away with a woman, since i don’t want to drive them away if they’re not into it, but even before our first time, she spelled out in vivid detail exactly how she liked it, and while a bit intimidating at first, i gave it a shot, and what really helped me was seeing that it was clear she was enjoying it. it became that much easier for me to know i was pleasuring a woman (for a change), and a remarkable physical chemistry grew throughout the subsequent endeavors. so, in summary, find a guy you like to be around in public, and then make him to fuck you how you want in private because maybe he’ll end up liking it as much as you. that’s a winning combination.

03.11.10 at 5:09 pm

ewww

yeah, i guess i’m a sucker and i wanna no for sure. i got all this vague bullshit before.

03.11.10 at 5:09 pm

Prehistoric Martyball

Responses to these from KSK staff are starting to make me nervous. To whiskey dick kid, become an expert in morning sex. Wake her up with a pearl-harbor style hard-dick sneak attack that’d make Osama Bin Laden jealous.

To the kid who is going out on his bday with a girl he once hooked up with. Goddamn man, rip as many shots as you can…WITH HER, and then close the deal. If a girl you used to hook up with comes out on your birthday, its a free ticket to poundtown, no questions asked.

03.11.10 at 5:10 pm

Dirty 5 Thirty

@ ewwww-

Who the fuck cares? Get out there and get yours.

Great mailbag this week.

03.11.10 at 5:11 pm

Jim

Rich–Great, great advice there from Matt. I have been in your exact situation. You need to shit or get off the pot, and now. Tell her you want her back and are willing to do anything to make it happen. If she’s iffy about it, lukewarm, or says no, cut off communication with her immediately. It sucks, but you can’t get closure and start feeling better about things if you’re constantly talking to her and still have hope. I did it for like 6 months after she broke up with me, and I didnt start getting over her until I stop acting like her friend and started acting like an ex (aka, living my own life–including, being with other women)

If by chance she says she loves you too, then awesome, you got what you wanted.

03.11.10 at 5:12 pm

Jebus

Lofty mailbag this week.

03.11.10 at 5:12 pm

Rudeboy

If russian novels were 800 words long, I’d have aced that Russian Lit class back in college

03.11.10 at 5:14 pm

Orange Julius Page

@Precious Booty,

Don’t psyche yourself out. Not only is everybody’s first time awkward, but pretty much, even if the two people are sexually experienced, their first times together can be awkward or “vanilla” since they probably don’t have a sexual repore established.

Some people like to be on top, others on the bottom. Some like it to try different positions and eventually get comfortable exploring and indulging in each others kinks. These things take a lot of time and communication to establish, but they are totally worth it.

My advice is to engage in plenty of foreplay and engage her in some oral initially. That way, even when it’s your turn if you only last 30 seconds, she still got hers. And the bonus is that when it’s time for the second go around, and there will be a Round 2, you’ll have more stamina and confidence.

03.11.10 at 5:15 pm

The White Boom Boom

Fat Hump,
Tell those nice guys that you take home to mom what your into. Get to know and trust them. Then tell them the kinky shit you like. You’d be surprised how many nice guys are secret perverts, and because they’re nice guys, you’ll probably like them for more than just sex, and you can keep having kinky, perverted sex for a nice, healthy, long time.

03.11.10 at 5:17 pm

Smut Douglas

@ ewwww- You don’t want to know. It doesn’t make a difference, because in 6 months after said booze, pussy, and time, the fact that you were suspicious and didn’t get a denial should let you know that the relationship was probably not worth saving regardless of the truth.

@ not so (fat hump) – Not everyone is the same in the bedroom as they are in public. There are probably other people like you who don’t look the part, but want to be the evan stone to your belladonna.

03.11.10 at 5:17 pm

Jim U.

@ewww – No good will come from that conversation. If you found out she cheated, you might start blaming yourself and thinking that you weren’t good enough for her. Fuck that shit because she was probably just a slut and it wasn’t your fault.

03.11.10 at 5:23 pm

Billy

(Not so) Fat Hump
If you continue to believe that a “nice” guy can’t fuck you like that, you’ll never find one that will. I get that you don’t want to have to tell them, but sometimes all somebody needs is a little nudge — like CC suggests, with body language, to unleash things. The difference is, the nice guy won’t fuck you over after he’s fucked you well. And, you know, no herpes.

03.11.10 at 5:27 pm

JaMarcus Sadcowski

two magnificent paragraphs there at the end. brilliant.

03.11.10 at 5:28 pm

GoesTo11

What CCS said. “Roofie-toting douchebag frat guy” is one of the more annoying college stereotypes out there. Sure, most colleges have their date-rape houses. But the RIGHT frat can be just what a friendless freshman needs, especially if you go to school a long way from home and don’t know ANYONE on campus. Go to several mixers, not just one or two…and if you have girls in your classes wearing letters, tell them you’re thinking of pledging and ask them about frat reputations. They KNOW that shit, and it’s a decent way to strike up a conversation.

03.11.10 at 5:29 pm

Captain Caveman

Responses to these from KSK staff are starting to make me nervous… To the kid who is going out on his bday with a girl he once hooked up with. Goddamn man, rip as many shots as you can…WITH HER, and then close the deal. If a girl you used to hook up with comes out on your birthday, its a free ticket to poundtown, no questions asked.

Yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and stand by my advice. With phrases like “close the deal” and “free ticket to poundtown” in consecutive sentences, I’m going to go ahead and place you in the “asshole” division stated above.

03.11.10 at 5:30 pm

Jim

Vaginas absolutely chafe dicks. A freshly shaven pussy, and she’s a little drunk (hence dehyraded, hence dry about the peach)-hammering that thing for more than a half hour will definately scrape your shaft.

03.11.10 at 5:30 pm

newhopeinKC

@ Fat Hump: telling a guy what you want takes all the fun out of it? Really? That’s bat-shit crazy.

@ Akward: not joining a frat is the one regret I have from my undergrad days. My friends in frats all had a really good time, and if the school is big enough there should be all different kinds for you to choose from. Or you could start a cult. I hear guys who start cults get crazy amounts of puss.

@ CC: that is a SUPERB clip from Mad Men right there.

03.11.10 at 5:34 pm

Orange Julius Page

@Video Game Playing Virgin,

The important thing to take away is CC’s advice to join some kind of club and get more involved around campus. However, put me in the same camp as Cali Cheese and Chest Rockwell.

Despite some social stigma, a fraternity is just a social organization with a bunch of dudes pooling their resources together to do things like have parties, mixers, and other social events. It’s true that many of the guys in them can be douchebags, but to be honest, most guys who are in undergrad are douchebags.

Find some guys in your residence hall who seem to have their shit in order (confident, talk to girls, but still get decent grades) or find some guys in your classes like that. At the very least, if your school has open Rush in the Fall, consider checking it out so that you can meet the Brothers of a few houses in a social situation removed from alcohol. Worst case scenario, you’ll get some free pizza and sandwiches out of it. Ask them what kind of service projects they do and if they play in different IFC or intramural leagues. Ask the older guys what they are studying and their plans after graduation. If all they can say that they do is drink and hit on chicks, then move on.

Go to your university Office of Greek Life and ask the Director for the statistics that they compile on the houses so that you can research them more. For example, you may feel more comfortable in a smaller houes with 25-40 guys than one with over 90. Also, and this is a big key, you will be able to see what the average GPA is for the pledges and the brothers. Pledging takes up a decent amount of time, but if a house has their stuff in order, it’s not improbable that the grades of the pledges and brothers will be over a 3.2 on average and that a lot of the guys will be on Dean’s List. You can also check out their websites to see what kind of social and service events these guys do.

Anyway, I was in your boat a decade ago in Freshman year. Now, 7 years after graduation, I still keep in daily contact with a half dozen dudes who are great friends and almost as close to me as my biological brother. I’ve even been a groomsman in a few of their weddings.

03.11.10 at 5:36 pm

Captain Caveman

@ Fat Hump: telling a guy what you want takes all the fun out of it? Really? That’s bat-shit crazy.

No, it’s not. It’s about getting what you want without having to ask for it. We all want that sometimes — male or female.

And for the record: I was in a fraternity. It was an enjoyable experience, and I’m glad I did it, because my social opportunities in temperance-crazy Evanston without it would have been nonexistent. But I left my opinion out of it because it’s different on every campus.

03.11.10 at 5:37 pm

stuff

Awkward McDorkerton…IF the Frat thing (suggested by another commenter) still rankles your soul theater/art departments usually have women who may be louder and more gregarious than you but they are all using that to hide their inner nerds…AND they are horny. And weird. And the opposite of soul less frat/sorority types.

03.11.10 at 5:41 pm

Slash

CC is right about joining some clubs or engaging in some activity outside of your college dorm if you want to be comfortable talking to “girls” (or women). There really is only one way to become comfortable being around people and that is: be around and talk to people. I know… so 20th century. But you’re sure as shit not gonna get comfortable actually speaking to people by fucking around on your iPhone and playing goddam video games all day. You’re gonna have to open your mouth and converse. At least until the government mandates those brain implants that allow us all to communicate telepathically.

Guy with wife in gay bar: Holy crap. That was way over the line. Having said that, just because your wife wasn’t sloppy drunk doesn’t mean her judgment wasn’t impaired. She did apologize, just probably not as abjectly as she should have, given the whole taking off the wedding ring deal. WTF? That shit ain’t right. However, it’s not like she fucked the guy right in front of you, and there were extenuating circumstances, kinda (drunk+with herd of women+safety of husband in vicinity=throwing caution and prudence to the wind). So yeah, let her know she crossed a line that should not have been crossed. See, lots of attached women think that they can do shit that attached men can’t because men supposedly have no self-control, but when women “flirt,” everybody knows it’s just flirting. But often, “flirting” turns into something entirely different. As the many many tales of married women fucking around will demonstrate. She thought this was a harmless episode, but the taking off the ring deal made it so much weirder than that. You all-capped that detail, that means it’s a big deal to you. Even if she doesn’t think so, it doesn’t matter. When you’re married, what’s important to your spouse should (if it’s a big thing like marital fidelity or the appearance thereof) be important to you, too. I’ve never been married and even I know that.

Of course, now that she knows how mad it made you, she might not want you to accompany her and her friends on another of their “girl nights.” Which will leave you wondering, if that’s what she does when I’m sitting right there, what the fuck does she do when I’m not? Blow random guys in the bathroom? I gotta say, I’m wondering that myself right now. Don’t want to inspire a permanent rift here, but taking off a wedding ring is kind of a symbolic act. Given how freighted with symbolism the wedding ring is.

Many women think men have no feelings or that their only 2 feelings are “angry” and “horny.” Your wife probably thinks this is just standard jealous husband stuff. Maybe if you tell her that at least one objective chick (me) who doesn’t know either of you thinks it’s monumentally fucked-up to remove your wedding ring right in front of your husband to go dance with some skeevy dude in a bar, she’ll rethink her nonchalantness (if that’s a word).

03.11.10 at 5:43 pm

the cheese

I’ll throw my hat in the pro-fraternity ring. The guys I met are stil the best friends money can buy five years after graduation.

03.11.10 at 5:48 pm

newhopeinKC

@ CC: I’m not trying to pick a fight, and for the record, I don’t think (NS)FH is crazy but not communicating with your partner and basically expecting them to read your mind when it comes to satisfying you is a crazy notion.
Other than that, its an all around superior mailbag with lofty advice.

03.11.10 at 5:56 pm

Jim U.

@CC – I didn’t know you went to Northwestern.

03.11.10 at 5:58 pm

the cheese

Also, the whole “taking off the wedding and engagement ring” thing would be a complete deal breaker for me. I’m with Slash; from that point forward I’d be wondering what the hell happened anytime she was out of my sight and had more than one glass of white zin. Definitely would have been worthy of a fiery confrontation that night or the next day, is still worthy of an extremely serious conversation even a month or two after the fact, during which you have the right to say something along the lines of “I have never been angrier in my life”.

03.11.10 at 5:58 pm

Old Gregg

@ Long Distance guy: If it doesn’t work out, you must cut off communication. Remove her from facebook, never call, text or IM her. It will suck, A LOT. Most of your memories from the best years of your life are at least tangentially related to her. But it gets so much easier when you don’t talk to her, or see her picture on the computer daily. I wallowed in self-pity for about 6 months after a similar situation before having the balls to cut her off. It is much, much better.

03.11.10 at 5:58 pm

Slash

RE ewww Says:
“yeah, i guess i’m a sucker and i wanna no for sure. i got all this vague bullshit before.”

Why? If she dumped you, what’s gonna come of that? Will it make you feel better? If not, I just don’t see the point. If she “cheated” on you, her denial won’t mean much, you’ll assume she’s lying. If she didn’t cheat, but you think she did, it won’t matter what she says. If she admits it, then what? You’ll make her feel bad? She dumped you. So she probably doesn’t feel that bad about anything that precipitated it. Lots of people justify cheating in a variety of ways. Women, esp. (I know it often sounds like I hate other women; I don’t, but I don’t idealize them, either, they lie and fuck around just as much as men do) like to justify infidelity with the “he wasn’t paying attention to me/giving me what I needed/he took me for granted” excuse. They think if you cheated on your SO for an “emotional” reason, not just to get some strange, that makes it OK. Because it’s about “love” and “caring” and not just about getting some, like when men do it. I just don’t see this “Did you cheat on me” conversation having any point or purpose.

Also, it’s “know,” not “no.” Maybe she dumped you because of your inability to choose the correct words in your written communications.

03.11.10 at 6:02 pm

Zack

I second the advice from “stuff” – get involved with the theater. Even if you can’t act, sing, or dance, at the very least you can stand around and pull the curtain – and it means you’ll have access to the most libertine women on any college campus and you’ll be facing a minimum of competition for their attention from the male theater majors (who mostly subscribe to “Poof” magazine).

03.11.10 at 6:03 pm

Monkey Business

@Video Game Playing Virgin
Give your Xbox to a friend you trust and say “I don’t want to see this for two weeks.” God only knows I got through my first semester at Large State University subsisting almost entirely on pizza from clubs that I had no intention on joining.

Also, frats get a bad rap, and there are plenty that emphasize the dickhead stereotype, but there are plenty that are just cool dudes that hang out and have a good time. Not saying it’s for everyone, but too many people dismiss the Greek system because they watched Animal House or only know the douchebags in flip flops and letters at the bar.

@Not So Fat Hump
You, me, and my Manning jersey. Shoot me an email. Just look through the Fat Hump articles, it’s in there somewhere. :)

03.11.10 at 6:06 pm

Orange Julius Page

@Slash,

I did not realize that women also use the term “strange.” Very cool. I am hoping that Mad Men will bring that term back into the American lexicon.

03.11.10 at 6:11 pm

Roy Hobbs

(Not so) Fat Hump –
When you are outside the bedroom, preferably at a bar towards the tail end of the evening, ask him what he likes. Continue with the banter for a few minutes. Then sheepishly admit that there is something that you’re a little embarassed to admit. Make him work for it a little bit, then whisper conspiratorially some version of your second paragraph. Finish your drink, tell him to order another, then head to the bathroom to let all of that roll around in his head for a while.

If you’re really lucky, he won’t order you another drink, but will take you home immediately. If not, then finish the next drink, tell him you want to try out all of that stuff you talked about, and get out of the bar.

03.11.10 at 6:12 pm

EastEndClam

Pound a glass of water every other drink (but drink it quickly at the bar — you don’t want to carry it around while socializing).
Or put in enough for a bite and tell ‘em it’s straight vodka. They’ll be impressed you’re still standing.

5. Rams
They’ve been pathetic enough long enough to get over that whole “Greatest Show” hate thing plus Spags will build a good team from the other side. Good enough to carry a mediocre offense, right Eli?

…you get it from not using lube when you’re jacking off all the time
Oh man, nailed.

Probably not. It’s more of an advanced move.
Hell, she didn’t even drop the cigarette. Pussyman.

@ewww: first off, it’s doubtful she’d tell you the truth. If it helps you get over her, just imagine that she cheated on you anyway. Or just think of how much of a better girl you’re going to get instead of her.

(Not so) Fat Hump: ever see the Dave Chappelle bit about wearing a slut’s uniform? That’s why nice guys don’t go for the gold right away. Cross the wrong line, and he’s toast (and we’re reading about it in Great Moments in Drunken Hookup History failure columns). It may suck, and takes away some of the spontaneity, but you gotta tell us what’s up- either w/ verbal, visual, or physical cues. Tell the guy outside of the bedroom, so he has a number of moves that he can get creative with when the time comes.

Video Game Playing Virgin: I’m also a strong advocate of fraternities. Yes, there are douchebags, assholes, and nerds in fraternities, just like anywhere else in life. But you can also find a good number of regular guys, and there’s probably at least one fraternity on your campus that’s full of them. Bring your current friends with you- they may like it too, and you can join together. Every year my fraternity did a social event with at least one sorority, which meant on average I met at least 50 girls every year. Add to that the 15 guys we added every year who had female friends of their own, and you’re talking about a fresh supply of 100 girls each year.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think it’s time for an alumni visit…

03.11.10 at 6:14 pm

SafetyDan

@Rough Girl:
What CC about cues is entirely true. Every guy has some fantasies about rough sex, “Suck it bitch”, that kind of stuff, but we cue off the girl. In my history of sexual partners I’ve had girls who I’ve been open with and gotten kinkier and girls who was mostly just lights off, missionary, and some oral. It’s all how you come across.

My advice is with the nice guys, you might want to be too forward in public. It might blow their minds, but in one on one settings be more forward, be more aggressive and if you have to tease them a bit. You want rough and eager, tease the guy for a bit before you let him have it.

03.11.10 at 6:14 pm

Mo Charlo

Rich: I’ve been there. Get off the couch, man.

And the awkward dude: I played a sport, was involved with a charity, was in the Spanish club, and was in a frat. All fantastic ways to meet lots of interesting people. Join one, join many, and relax. You’re a freshman. If you had these issues as a senior, then yeah, you would be properly fucked out of a normal social life. But you’ve got time.

Oh, and not so fat hump: If I lived in Indianapolis, you’d be ready to go back to the nice guys in about a week. Just sayin.

03.11.10 at 6:17 pm

agent

@ewwwwwwww: i would say yes, that’s part of closure. If you don’t find out the truth now, someone, say one of her friends, will casually mention how your ex cheated on you with so-and-so. This will most likely happen right after you stopped giving a shit about her, and it will piss you off, regardless. Better to just get it out of the way now, assuming someone who cheated on you would actually tell you the truth.

03.11.10 at 6:19 pm

Danger Guerrero

If I were one of the nerds from this week’s mailbag, I’d probably find a group of like-minded individuals (preferably a perverted stoner, a flamboyantly gay black guy, a genius in his early teens, and Anthony Edwards), start your own chapter of a traditional black fraternity, and stock up on chemicals that result in severe jock itch. You’ll end up scoring babes, and learning important life lessons.

Oh, and watch out for Ted C. McGinley. If he starts being nice to you, it’s a trap.

03.11.10 at 6:19 pm

Slash

I agree that you don’t want to have to tell every single person you have sex with exactly what you want them to do every single time, like you’re ordering a drink at Starbucks. Lame.

But what girlfriend up there wants is kinda specific (light sadism, I guess would be the term) and generally the kind of thing that most men are not that comfortable with “surprising” a partner with, and for good reason. I don’t know what the numbers are, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that most women do not want their hair pulled (really? hair pulling?) or to be called a bitch. It’s just not a big turn-on for lots of us. And men know that. And they are rightly hesitant to spring that on someone, lest she throw his ass out right then and then call all her friends and tell them what an abusive creep he is. Or call the police. If you want it “rough,” you’re gonna have to articulate that. Expecting some poor guy to somehow sense that you want to be treated like a dirty whore is extremely unrealistic and unfair. You can not care about that all you want, but it’s still true. It’s childish to expect someone to always be on your wavelength and anticipate your every desire. That shit only happens in movies and romance novels, not real life.

I would suggest surprising a prospective partner with an outrageously non-subtle ensemble (like what Angelina Jolie wore in “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” you all know the scene I’m talking about) and kind of prompting him on the dirty talk front. I don’t know how you ask a guy to call you a bitch without actually asking him to do it. That’s your problem.

03.11.10 at 6:25 pm

Wayback machine

I was just wondering what exactly New England fans are expecting out of Bill Belichick. He has never been a good NFL coach.

36-44 as a head coach prior to his Patriot hire.

I’m not saying Carroll is gonna be Lombardi part 2. I’m not even saying he’ll break .500 and not be fired halfway through his second season. But I’m sick of this know it all Patriot fan shit about Carroll (who took them to the fucking playoffs twice in 3 years!) being doomed to failure while totally ignoring that the same fucking thing could have been (and was) said about BB. Naturally I blame that know-nothing know-it-all Simmons for most of this narrative, since he knows exactly dick about football.

Oh, and good mailbag CC. Must have been tough to wade through all this whiny sex shit, but I know you’re a brave man.

03.11.10 at 6:25 pm

SafetyDan

@Slash
I’d imagine any guy that calls you a bitch in the bedroom w/o prompting has to come with an entirely different set of problems.

FWIW I’d estimate like 1 in 5 girls like a little light sadism in the bedroom in my limited personal exprience. Mostly just hair pulling or some hard slapping of an ass. They’ll often give as good as they get by scratching my back though. So more just generally rough and physical sex as opposed to abuse. In college I dated a few female athletes and they were all about physical sex. I think it comes from working out, if you work out enoughy you get that rush of happy hormones, but to get there in the first place you gotta go through some pain. In the bedroom they wanted to dance down the same route. Can be a problem though, I was dating a female hockey player who had a nightmare and broke my nose with a will placed elbow as she woke up thrashing.

I’ve never had a partner who just wanted to lie there and take the abuse or have me choke her, or at least one who ever signalled she wanted it.

03.11.10 at 6:37 pm

DancingBaptist

Most of this was the usual ” I’m a loser offer me advice “, but the married guy in the bar.

First off, the whole taking the rings off – VERY symbolic. Tell me there aren’t other problems in your marriage?

Second – WTF does she do when you’re NOT in the same room?

Third – there are tons of Karaoke bars. Why pick one with nothing (supposedly) but “gay ” men? (Dark waters run deep)

My non-professional advice is some counseling. Professional counseling. If you can’t afford $200 / hour, then find a friendly pastor / preacher to give some impartial advice.

But in the immortal wods of CC – FUCK THAT.

03.11.10 at 6:38 pm

Perm

copy/paste: “If you even have a girlfriend, you didn’t get your chafing injury from her vagina, because vaginas don’t chafe penises. They simply DON’T.”

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. In all fairness, I would have concurred with your assessment before fucking my most recent girlfriend. She was extremely petite (5’0″ ~105lbs) and every bit of her was tiny…. including her vag. Lube was a necessity, and not just any lube.. if we ran out of the silk stuff and had to use something shitty like KY, my cock would be chafed for a week.

All the guys talk about wanting a tight pussy/virgin/etc… be careful what you wish for. I was always thankful to get back to my wife’s lady bits after a couple nights with the girlfriend, because I knew hers wouldn’t damage my D.

03.11.10 at 6:40 pm

Gamblor

@ (Not So) Fat Hump

I’ve never posted on KSK, but you basically described the exact setup to this Louis C.K. standup routine, which I had to share:

In your defense, it’s logical to assume that moments of passion, whether rough or romantic, are never intensified with explained analysis or objective instruction. On the other hand, the last line of the clip sums up the “bullshit woman” logic also.

03.11.10 at 6:46 pm

agent

@Gamblor: “You want me to rape you on the off-chance that you’re into it.”

I was just about to mention this video, but I would have been far too lazy to actually link to it.

03.11.10 at 6:48 pm

Perm

@ (Not So) Fat Hump – Two things:
1) join Fetlife and stop hitting up bars for fratty/douchey guys that know nothing about how to treat a woman that knows she simply needs fucked. Most people have been brainwashed into believing a boring, monogamous “buy me flowers” relationship is the “right” way to go. You know what you want, go get it.
2) If your username is any indication and you live in Indiana, join the IYK (Indiana Younger Kink) group. Mostly young/reasonable people where you can be yourself and drop the usual dating pretense. People are still respectful and aren’t going to go about pressuring you or anything, but the group is sex-positive, unlike most of our fucked country. If you’re not near Indiana, then just look on fetlife for a group in your area.

03.11.10 at 6:51 pm

BigFrigginHead

@Karaoke Cuckold: Holy Shit.
As a married guy with absolutely zero trust issues with my wife, I can’t even fathom that situation. That would be an absolute deal-breaker. This is just me, but I don’t think that I could ever really trust her again. It just seemed too easy for her.

And she handed YOU the rings?! Not her friends? YOU????

Fuck.

03.11.10 at 7:13 pm

EastEndClam

…we might be overvaluing one or two fumble-prone games because they were nationally televised playoff games
Yeah, like your QB performance. EPIC FAIL.

SHE TOOK OFF HER WEDDING BAND AND ENGAGEMENT RING, HANDED THEM TO ME, and headed to the dance floor.
FUCK. THAT.
Abso-fucking-lutely

Fuck that. Listen to Ufford. She took your balls and put them in her handbag, you gotta let her know what’s up. The fact that you’re trying to take this and yet know that if the roles were reversed you’d be out a marriage means you’re a bit of a chickenshit. You gotta change that or else you’ll never be happy.

03.11.10 at 7:24 pm

dudebro

There’s no such thing as a nice guy. Take the the sweetest math teacher in the world and whisper in his ear that you want to be violated in the worst way and you will see a whole new side of the dude. We’re not fucking telepathic.

03.11.10 at 7:26 pm

(not so) Fat Hump

@CC – thanks for the suggestions. Will try that out.
@Slash – part of the reason for the mailbag submission was to get an honest answer about whether or not I’m being completely unreasonable. So far the comments have been about a 50/50 split, so I’m figuring I’ll have to at least get the ball rolling on what I want (fair enough).
@Monkey Business – not that into Manning. Prefer Bethea. Or Sessions.
@Perm – thanks! I’ll check that out. I’m really not into putting effort into building or maintaining a relationship right now (there are other things I want to focus on), but that doesn’t mean I don’t need to get off on a somewhat regular basis.

03.11.10 at 7:33 pm

Tracer Bullet

Oh, for fuck’s sake. This is the easiest question that’s ever appeared on this site. Listen close, woman: If you want to get bent over and fucked like a whore, tell your partner, “Bend me over and fuck me like a whore.” Shit, it ain’t rocket science.

(muthafuckas always makin’ shit harder than it is)

03.11.10 at 7:36 pm

Otto Man

Don’t want to inspire a permanent rift here, but taking off a wedding ring is kind of a symbolic act. Given how freighted with symbolism the wedding ring is.

Seriously, if my wife did that, I’d have the locks changed the next day and custody papers drawn up to get our daughter.

03.11.10 at 7:44 pm

Dirty 5 Thirty

@ (not so) Fat Hump-

It’s just like a girl to want something but not tell you. This ain’t taking out the trash or remembering anniversaries/birthdays! This is something 99% of straight males want to do anyhow; drop the first hint and you’ll be surprised at what you unleash.

Actually, just saw your other comment about getting involved with group sex. Not my cup of tea, but guess it’s all kosher with you guys.

03.11.10 at 8:08 pm

Bob Dylan

@Prehistoric Martyball:

“pearl-harbor style hard-dick sneak attack” – that’s the best term for morning sex I’ve ever heard. (Drink a couple of glasses of red wine the night before. Don’t know what it is but I wake up ready to hammer nails with it.)

@Frat Boys:

I went abroad for undergrad and really only knew anything about frats from movies. When I came back stateside for grad school I was really surprised at how american colleges actaully ran, and how most frats actually were. Now I kinda regret not taking that scholarship to UT-Austin. (French chicks, though liberated, are a lot of work to get into bed, especially for an American..)

03.11.10 at 8:15 pm

veryoldguy

Gentlemen in college, if you’d like to mix with the fairer sex, check out the theatre (yep, spelled it that way) dept. Most of the guys are gay, and most of the women are straight. if you’re uncomfortable auditioning, every dept.needs someome who can run lights, build sets (lots of hot glue, light wood and canvas). Some of the women may be a little unbalanced, but there are always cast parties and, during tech and lighting rehearsals, there’s lots of time to work on your game, and no harm,no foul. I’m no Pitt or even a Giammati (great actor, by the way), but I did ok. Much tech has been introduced into theatre in the last few years. Take advantage and don’t be afraid to walk away. They’ve always got another gig.

03.11.10 at 8:20 pm

Karaoke Cuckold

@CC: I am flabbergasted by mostly constructive response. I was fully expecting something more along the lines of, “Cum on her face and call it even.” I feel like the mailbag is growing up before my eyes. Give me some credit, though; I basically told the wife exactly what I wrote, and her friends confirmed that I wasn’t overreacting the next morning (the wife called them after our discussion of the events to get their take). And honestly, seeing that most of the KSK readers had the same reaction I did takes some of the sting off of it.

@Slash: No amount of alcohol would make it a viable excuse if I were to do the same. That’s where a lot of my anger stems from. Other than that, I like what you say.

03.11.10 at 8:24 pm

Karaoke Cuckold

@DancingBaptist: This was the first major problem in the marriage that I know about. I am out of town 3-4 days a week for work, and would drive myself insane if I ruminated on what she was doing while I was away; likewise goes for her with respect to me. We have no choice but to trust each other. You *know* there are tons of karaoke bars and you’re trying to imply something about me? 1) I was just the driver, and in such cases the actual drinkers pick the location. I just tagged along because my competitive nature got the better of me… the girls called me a scaredy-cat, and I made the mistake of joining them. 2) Under normal circumstances, where would you suggest sending your wife for an evening of drinking? A gay bar seems like a pretty safe bet to me.

03.11.10 at 8:56 pm

Perm

@CC – She asked the question, I answered. Call it bragging if you want, I enjoy my life and I’m not ashamed of it. Also, we’re not into group sex. I referred to fetlife because it’s a place where you can be open about your kinks. That doesn’t mean everyone gets in an orgy and fucks each other, that shows exactly how narrow your view of the world is. Let me know how that works out for you.

@D5T – You are wrong. I was a video game playing nerd… while I’ve never been drowning in pussy like a football frat douche, I’ve never had trouble getting a date either.

Nice that neither of you had a positive thing to say about NSFH though… instead you jump on my comment like I raped your mom.

03.11.10 at 9:13 pm

Perm

@Karaoke Cuckold – I’ll probably get jumped on by The Prude Parade again, but you need to relax man. She was out having fun and danced with some random dude… big fucking deal. If you think she’s never going to be attracted to anyone else ever again, think again. Just like you enjoy attention from pretty girls, she likes to know she’s attractive also. Should there be a discussion about the wedding ring etiquette? Sure. However, the way you and half the people responding are acting it’s “put that bitch in her place” and like I said in my previous response.. see how that works out for you.

People like your wife end up sleeping with dudes like me who don’t call them a whore at the first sign of them being attracted to someone else for a few minutes. You should be proud she was upfront about it and not subversive… if you talk to her about it in an open manner you might find yourself with one very happy wife.

03.11.10 at 9:26 pm

Otto Man

It’s not the dancing with the other dudes. If my wife did that, I’d laugh it off.

It’s the quick decision — and easy ability — to get those rings off. Like it had happened before.

03.11.10 at 9:29 pm

Perm

@OM – Right, and like I said, a discussion should be had… but one that is open and encourages divulging of real feelings, if he values the marriage.

However, I don’t think it’s prudent to ignore the fact that she took them off and handed them to her *husband.* Maybe she was trying to turn him on by seeing other guys think his wife is hot? Maybe she was trying to say “See if you can pick up a chick!” The possibilities are endless… but sitting around stewing about it and “hate fucking” his wife for months on end is the only option that is *certain* to get him absolutely nowhere.

03.11.10 at 9:42 pm

junkfood

All this talk of how to meet guy friends has a simple solution, just print up some bicep-shaped flyers and invite likely friendship candidates to your party mansion. (Nothing sexual.)

/surprised it hasn’t been mentioned yet.

03.11.10 at 10:24 pm

DeSean Is My Anti-Drug

@junkfood

“Yeah, I told them to make them look like penises.”

03.11.10 at 10:28 pm

The Deon Butler Did It

@Wayback Machine: Agreed with you on Pete Carrol and random Patriots fans, more than likely he’ll have more success the second time around in the NFL since he will have learned from the mistakes he made similar to Bill.

@Awkard McDorkington: I think the best plan for you is to try and ask that girl out and see what happens. The best thing to do right now is create your own social circle and you will be fine. Go out to a play, attend some music-based event, or attend a party. Do something, you eventually have the rest of your life to play video games.

03.11.10 at 10:31 pm

DeSean Is My Anti-Drug

@ Perm

You know, if she was taking off her rings as some sort of code for “hey, I’m gonna turn you on” or “hey, I’ll try to get a guy, you try to get a girl and we’ll have wild groupsex”, that sounds like something that, y’know, you’d probably discuss beforehand and not afterwards in an awkward bombshell of hurt and confusion.

03.11.10 at 10:36 pm

Perm

@DIMA-D – Maybe she’s too embarrassed to bring it up? Maybe she was a little tipsy and acted on impulse? I don’t know, I wasn’t there and I have maybe 5% of the details. Once again, the macho “fuck that bitch!” attitude is the only thing that is nearly guaranteed to ruin the relationship, should he pursue that route.

I’m not saying she handled it right, I’m not saying he’s an asshole… I’m saying there is a path through that involves communication about what happened. At the end of the day, she danced with a guy without her wedding rings on and her husband in plain view of the entire scene…. sack up and talk to her about what might have been going on through her head, or risk losing the marriage. Seems a simple choice from where I sit.

03.11.10 at 11:06 pm

Seventy-Five

Good job, Perm- it took you three emails to say what everyone else did in one.

03.11.10 at 11:25 pm

Karaoke Cuckold

@Perm: Here’s where you’re right… hate-fucking my wife forever is not healthy or constructive. After that most of what you say is drivel.

Now look at anything I’ve written and tell me where I said anything resembling “put that bitch in her place.” It’s not there, and I’d appreciate it if you would stop putting words in my mouth. I love my wife, and I realize that some of this is irrational on my part.

Again, I’m not a jealous guy. I am fine with my wife dancing with other guys, and I really don’t have a problem with other guys looking at her. I know she’s attractive and it’s going to happen.

Now for the ring issues:
1) There is NO circumstance where handing the person who gave you the ring is flirtatious. If someone hands you the engagement, class, promise, or Nuva-ring you gave them, it’s not a good sign for the relationship.
2) I’ll give you a little more background: we both take our rings off sometimes. She doesn’t wear her engagement ring to work because it has some intricate settings and performing her job duties could easily result in a missing diamond or two. I understand this. I take my ring off when I’m playing a sport or using power tools. It goes on a chain around my neck during those times and she thinks I’m hiding something.
3) I’ll reiterate: had I handed her my ring and danced with a girl, we would be separated. My wife admits this. My wife’s friends that were with us admitted this. I could not simply say, “I’m sorry,” and bygones would be bygones. Why should she have that privilege?

So we’ve had an open discussion about it. I didn’t blow up the situation as it transpired, I didn’t morph into Lester Burnham afterward. It was never a jealousy issue at all. Never called her a whore (except when warranted, (Not So) Fat Hump). Do you have more useless assumptions you’d like to make?

03.11.10 at 11:37 pm

Needs More Cheerleaders

Wife in the gay bar: Tell her how fucking pissed off you are, since you obviously are, and rightfully so. If she doesn’t fucking own up, call yourself a divorce lawyer. Because the way she took off those rings screams “I fuck around on you all the fucking time!” to me. Women who are happily married do NOT take those rings off for ANYTHING, except when physical activity requires them to. Dancing with a strange guy, in front of your husband, is not an activity that (she should do, but whatever) requires her to take that ring off.

Seriously, she is cheating on your ass.

Shy guys : Jesus, you all sound like my brother in law. Just hang out with a girl, talk with her, try to make her laugh, be yourself, see what happens. No need to get all fucking panicked beforehand.

And that Fat Hump email is fake.

03.11.10 at 11:47 pm

yeah, right?

I can give an LA opinion about Pete Carroll. As you may know, L.A. doesn’t have an NFL team (goddammit) so USC is our football. Pete did great things here. Without ever lifting a finger – unless it was to finger diddle a song girl.
The whole program has been a recruiting magnet since before Pete got to USC. Since around Junior Seau’s time and before.
Sorry CC.
It’s going to be a long winter.

03.11.10 at 11:54 pm

yeah, right?

Karaoke Guy: If you can’t reconcile it real soon, before next Monday soon, it may not get better in the near future. If you allow this to be an ongoing issue it will become a solid brick in the wall you are building to rationalize your way to a break up.
If it’s worth saving then save it.
If it’s not worth it you can use that brick for cold comfort.

03.12.10 at 12:00 am

Dirty 5 Thirty

@ Perm – Simmer dude; it was a joke based on the prior poster’s comment. I do happen to be a football frat douche, and loved every minute of it.

Damn, for a guy who gets a whole lot of leg you sure do seem to have your panties in a bunch.

03.12.10 at 12:27 am

Big Black Richard

This mailbag is the first time I’ve ever seen a woman come out and say, “you know, I just don’t attract enough assholes.”

/usually not a difficult group to attract…..

03.12.10 at 1:01 am

ITDog09

Best mailbag ever, but then again i’m sort of new here.
@Fat Hump: I’m a nerd, computer science major math minor, enjoy politics, hugging trees and eating sprouts. I also enjoy swing houses, watching my wife getting plowed, and me and the wife tag teaming a woman while her guy watches from a comfortable chair. You just can’t judge a book by its cover. You’ve had many good responses here. I would just add, for most of the issues brought up here, the answer is communication. You don’t have to make a speech, except for Mr. Cuckold — great name by the way — just say what you want.

Some guys here have not had enough vag experience, YES they can rub you raw. However in RamRods case, kid you’re probably jacking off too much. Buy some lube or start spitting on your hand. And by the way WTF is: “when my girlfriend is jerking me off before sex”. Holy Shit, everyone let that pass? Do you mean she’s taking you from turtle dick to wrinkle free, or she is honestly getting you to waste one onto a pile of newspapers?

03.12.10 at 1:04 am

chazz_goodtimes

@Awkward McDorkington: Your college world is so much bigger than you realize- follow CC’s advice and get out there, get involved in something (preferably something you’re interested in). I think you’ll find the results you’re looking for with the ladies just through getting out of your comfort zone and having more interactions with them beyond class.

@Whiskey Dick: Stop beating off. Seriously- try it, see what happens.

@Rich: stop being a passive character in your own life May not sound like it but that is tremendous advice.

@-Karaoke Cuckold: That is fucked up. Definitely have their conversation, specifically get to what was she thinking at the time? Was she trying to be funny? I don’t think its irreperable, assuming things are otherwise ok but there may be some way deeper issues there.

@(Not so) Fat Hump: Show me a guy who’s first instinct in bed is to do exactly what you described and I’ll show you a date rapist. I’m generalizing but I think you’ll be better off communicating what you’re into to a “nice” guy- sure, its always better for a guy to pick up on subtle cues but the alternative would be spending the time that you’re not screwing with the personality attached to someone who drops a “suck it bitch” without prompting. As someone who would catagorize themselves in the nice guy catagory I wouldn’t be put off by what you’re into although I wouldn’t want to go down that road every time. After dating a string of girls who could not bring themselves to talk in specific terms about what I could do to make our sex-time better for them in would be refreshing for one to talk honestly about what she wanted.

03.12.10 at 1:21 am

yeah, right?

Holy Shit! Who let Monkey Business in?
Listen to Prince! Mr Hump.
You said forever and forever is a mighty long time.

03.12.10 at 1:42 am

Anonymous Pussytuber

“Show me a guy who’s first instinct in bed is to do exactly what you described and I’ll show you a date rapist.”
Or quarterback for the Steelers.

Seriously though fat hump girl, I cannot believe you have never tried bringing the subject up. You have nothing to lose: any guy who would pass on the opportunity to chokefuck you probably isn’t the type of man you would want to be with anyway. I’m not saying hand the man a brochure with detailed plans, but maybe a good old fashioned “I want it rough”, might get you there, maybe initiate a little slap action yourself. Geez, so you want a successful, polite gentleman, whom you can bring home to your parents, whom will ram you hard and magically know you like to raped…and men get criticized for being choosy.

03.12.10 at 1:51 am

Yeah, wrong

@ Yeah, right

You’re serious? Carroll didn’t do shit to win all those games and national titles and Rose Bowls? Those all-Americans and Heisman winners and most NFL players of any team just came out of nowhere? Bullshit.

The coliseum was half full for most of the decade preceding Carroll’s arrival. They lost like 8 in a Row to UCLA and even more in a row to Notre Dame. They were barely .500 in the 5 years before he got there.

By that logic Urban Meyer and Nick Saban and Jim Tressel don’t deserve credit for taking their respective teams from the (relative) doldrums they were in back to greatness, since all those programs had once been great in the past. Coaches do matter, mostly because the great ones will lie, cheat, steal, bribe, blackmail and extort to get the very best high school players to come there. Its a gift which only a handful have, and Carroll is part of that handful. He rebuilt that program.

Obviously its a totally different being a college coach and an NFL coach, and many who are great at one would (and have) sucked hard at the other. Carroll is likely gonna crash and burn, which would make him pretty average for an NFL head coach. But saying that college coaches don’t matter is just wrong.

03.12.10 at 2:02 am

Tyler

Karaoke guy-That woman publicly made a fool of you. Apart from the obvious ramification that she is likely cheating on you, the public humiliation alone merits some attention.

Perm-You seem like a freewheeling swordsman with some unorthodox ways. If that’s how you like to do things, more power to you. However, I am not sure that a swinger type has any business advising a more traditional person on how to approach a problem like Karaoke guy’s. Your perspectives simply have nothing in common. It would make no sense for him to tell you about the fulfillment of monogamy, by the same token.

Speaking as a pretty traditional guy who is a few months from getting married, I am well-pleased by those who are saying “fuck that bitch”. Because seriously, fuck that bitch. If she’s flirting and taking off her rings with you as a witness, she almost certainly is chugging cock whenever your back is turned. Finally, I share the suspicion that the (Not so) Fat Hump is fabricated.

03.12.10 at 2:27 am

Rex Ryans Long Lost Penis

I get all of my girl talking tips from pre-sex amateur porn interviews. “Wow. Those are cannons baby. Are those real? Can I feel?”

/proceeds to grab breasts

Works EVERY TIME.

03.12.10 at 2:37 am

je

The last two paragraphs of CC’s commentary could be some of the most insightful writing I’ve seen on this site in the scant 13 months I’ve been reading it.

COULD BE!

/peter king’d

03.12.10 at 4:35 am

Stoned Birthday Dog

Karaoke Dude – let me play devil’s advocate.. maybe, without thinking, she just took the rings off so she wouldn’t lose them out on the dance floor and handed them to you because you’re her husband and the DD? it could be complete overreaction on your part… i say give her the benefit of the doubt if there have been no other cheating incidents and the marriage is otherwise solid. it could just have been poor judgment on her part and not necessarily the huge symbolic “fuck you” gesture that you took it as. let it go, man.

03.12.10 at 6:43 am

Haynesworth_Stomp

@Karaoke Cuckold- Seriously Fuck that bitch if she’s taking her rings off and dancing with another dude. My ex banged here ex-boyfriend and got pissed at me when I went to lunch with my trainer who happened to be female. If you don’t get this fixed get a good divorce lawyer
@(Not So) Fat Hump- We are not mind readers, if you want the wild fucking, then let us know, otherwise, keep trolling the bars for the dudes who will leave you with a raging case of the gift that keeps giving

03.12.10 at 7:57 am

EastEndClam

@Karaoke- Just to put the final nail in it, below is an AP storyline this morning. So what she did is not only deplorable in the context of your relationship, it’s fucking dangerous. Who knows what some fuck-up at the bar interpreted from her handing the guy she came with rings then going off with another guy? Ever see “Looking for Mr Goodbar”?

NEW YORK – (AP) — A stranger followed a woman into a New York City bar restroom after she rejected his advances early Thursday, savagely beat her in a toilet stall and perhaps tried to sexually assault her, police said.

03.12.10 at 8:28 am

Ramrod

I definitely got the chafing from having sex, don’t really like jerking off. It was from having sex a few times when we were drunk one night, should have stopped when I felt a bit of pain.

03.12.10 at 9:07 am

Perm

@KC – I think you need to reread my comments brother. I was speaking to the people commenting with the advice “fuck that bitch!”, saying that if you indeed chose that route, that your marriage would soon be over. It sounds like you spurned that option and are attempting something a bit more sane. Nice work.

As far as your points, my opinion that you so desperately seek!
1) I disagree whole-heartedly. I would suspect she would be removing these things in private and keeping this idea away from you if she thought you were going to be hurt/upset/shocked. Unless she’s just one callous and brazen bitch… I mean I’ve never had a girlfriend walk up to me and throw my ‘x’ symbol of commitment into my face and say “Hold these while I fuck this guy!” So there’s some disconnect here… I’m not sure what it is, but making the assumption that this is some ominous sign is a poor one, imo.
2) Sounds like she’s cheating.
3) Sounds like she’s cheating. The only time I ever got jealous was when I was doing something subversive and then I wanted to throw out accusations. If she has specifically said she would divorce you if you did something like that (I didn’t pick that up from your email) then you are spot on, there is an imbalance and it needs to be corrected now. That’s on her, not you.

@D5T – Sorry, there are no tags on the web, and your comments were surrounded by two really shitty ones. Although I don’t think my response was that uptight. Just pointed out that most of the replies to my points weren’t about my points, but about me. Panties officially unbunched.

@Tyler – While your point is taken, who here is qualified to tell me about the fulfillment of monogamy? Even the most conservative statistics show clearly that 50% of women and 70% of men do/have cheat(ed) (start at wikipedia and work outwards for stat sources.) The numbers probably go up from there, given the propensity for people to lie about such matters. So the likelihood that someone explaining to me the wonders of monogamy *isn’t* a hypocrite is relatively low. I can live with that.

Side note: Wouldn’t surprise me if NSFH was fabricated, but there are no small number of women that fit this description… in line with some of my other comments, the whole “nice girl/nice guy, get married, 2.5 kids, dog and cat in the suburbs” American Dream is actually more of a fabrication than NSFH’s scenario. Now as far as how many of these women read KSK? Well…

03.12.10 at 9:13 am

disturban

@Karaoke Cuckold

“had I handed her my ring and danced with a girl, we would be separated. My wife admits this. My wife’s friends that were with us admitted this. I could not simply say, “I’m sorry,” and bygones would be bygones. Why should she have that privilege?”

I think this point may be the most important you’ve made. If you did it, she’d drop your ass. Now that she’s done it you won’t. You clearly don’t want to.

Talk openly. Some of Perms points do have merits, mostly about a gentler approach based on listening (not about swinging). If that doesn’t work, see the therapist. If that fails, you’ve gotta drop her.

03.12.10 at 10:22 am

Bob Dylan

@Perm:

Keep leaving huge tracts about how you’re being misunderstood. It’ll turn you into Monkey Business 2.0.

03.12.10 at 10:32 am

Joe Sixpack

Do you need to take off rings to dance? Do they get in the way?

Punch her in the cunt.

03.12.10 at 10:37 am

Perm

@BD – I don’t even know who Monkey Business is. Sounds frightening. Otherwise, feel free to take a reading comprehension course… never know, could be useful.

03.12.10 at 10:39 am

Dion Rayford's Chalupa

@Fat Humps — Sorry, I’m a little late to the party, but here’s my advice woman-to-woman: Find a nice guy that you really trust. Wait until you’ve had sex a few times so you don’t scare him off, but don’t wait so long that foreplay no longer exists in your relationship. While making out with him, step back and slap him across the face as hard as you can. While he’s still recovering from his shock, grin, say “My safe word is ,” and then run into the bedroom. If he doesn’t get THAT hint, he’s not worth the time.

Ahem. As you were, gentlemen.

03.12.10 at 10:48 am

Slash

RE Perm Says:
“Most people have been brainwashed into believing a boring, monogamous “buy me flowers” relationship is the “right” way to go. You know what you want, go get it… the group is sex-positive, unlike most of our fucked country.”

Jesus fucking Christ… You know, I got no problem with people wanting to get their swerve on how they want, as long as everyone is a consenting adult. I do have a problem with people implying that if it’s not my thing, I’m a boring, sex-hating Republican. If you want to slap/be slapped around, good for you, I guess, but your condescending attitude towards those who just aren’t into it is unnecessary. At least half the nation (the male half) is plenty sex-positive, they just don’t think slapping and hair-pulling and name-calling has to be part of it. Man, your comments are dripping with condescending douche.

Also, I don’t think you know what the word “subversive” actually means. I think the word you’re looking for there is “furtive,” as in sneaky, underhanded, dishonest. If you’re going to throw around words in an attempt to seem like you’re more enlightened than the rest of us sheeple, you might try using the right ones.

As far as I can tell what I said is exactly what I meant. Furtive is a nice alternative… doesn’t quite carry the same tone as a person trying to upend their relationship by lying/cheating, but it would probably work.

Regarding the rest of your accusation, I mean we’re arguing on a football blog… we both deserve F- grades before we even type the first word. I also don’t think *you* know what “sex positive” means in this context. Seeking quantities of sex does not equal sex positive. You’re entitled to your opinion about our cultural attitude towards sex, but it seems exceedingly clear to me that hypocrisy on the subject runs deep in America.

03.12.10 at 11:21 am

ahem

@perm… Slash is right. The merit of any comment you’ve made might be lost in your tone. Folks like it how they like it, leave it at that. Environments shape and reshape attitudes and preferences. Don’t make an assumption based on your observations, because sample size is limited. Also, Yay diversity.

I took subversive to mean “likely to undermine the institution”, where institution is “your marriage”… at least according to Encarta. I’ll allow it, but I use spell check a lot, so…

03.12.10 at 11:26 am

Perm

@ahem – point taken, thanks for the cogent response… not the first time I’ve been told I’m an asshole. :\

03.12.10 at 11:27 am

Anne

@Fat Humps: I’m dating a sweet down-to-earth guy who is more than willing to bend me over the table and spank my ass. The keys to our drama free relationship and (often) kinky sex life are that we’re not only compatible, but we communicate what we want with each other. Sex at first wasn’t crazy, but the more we got to know each other, the more comfortable we felt to discuss our desires. It’s hard to know what kind of sexual partner a man is before you’ve actually fucked him. But once you start getting intimate, even if he may not initiate the more rough sex you should talk about what you want in bed.

03.12.10 at 11:28 am

Yawgmoth

Y’know, a lot of people *coughcough* don’t bother to take their wedding ring off when cheating on their spouse. A wedding ring isn’t a magic fidelity talisman.

Hypocrisy on a lot of things runs deep in America. And everywhere else.

But it isn’t hypocritical to not agree that “most people have been brainwashed into believing a boring, monogamous ‘buy me flowers’ relationship is the ‘right’ way to go.” Most people haven’t been brainwashed into believing that, it seems to be a fairly universal consensus that if two people enter into a monogamous relationship, there are ground rules. If they don’t want to be subject to those rules, then they shouldn’t agree to the monogamy part. But one party doesn’t get to unilaterally decide to change the rules and then act like the other party is being uptight or unreasonable to be pissed about that. Guy with wife in gay bar situation had a reasonable grievance and you tell him he’s being uptight and relax, his wife is just trying to have some fun. With another guy. And she pointedly hands the husband her wedding rings, as if to say, “For the next few minutes, I’m not a married woman.” If that wasn’t an agreement that they had, that each gets to “opt out” of the marriage agreement whenever they want, he is reasonable to be angry about that implication. I don’t think it’s a marriage-ruining deal. But it isn’t a small thing, either.

You sound like a guy (and you suggested as much in one of your comments) who likes to fuck married women (because they’re not looking for a boring, monogamous relationship) and justify it by saying that monogamy is “unnatural” and “unreasonable” and everybody should stop being so uptight about who’s fucking whom. But guys who fuck other guys’ wives aren’t enlightened or freethinking, they’re just assholes. Everybody here but you seems to understand this.

03.12.10 at 12:16 pm

Lucky Like Little

@KC I read all your comments, and I feel for you. That’s harsh. For my part I’ve danced (read: bump n grind) with a lot of ringless women who ended up being married when I wanted more than the dance floor. I heard in Army base towns women like that are called “shadow warriors.” If I were you and she still likes going out – I would try being more of an instigator than the driver. If you give her whatever thrill she gets from taking off the rings to dance with randoms, maybe that will lessen her appetite for such bs.
@Video Game Playing Virgin I second all the positive fraternity comments. I not only joined a fraternity, but became an alumni volunteer afterwards. There are weak groups out there – but there isn’t a better institution in college to help someone like you become well rounded quickly. Not just parties and socials and girls coming to the house, but the officers monitor your grades and help you succeed there, the better ones help you build lasting ties to the university, and older groups have alumni that can help you get jobs and reco’s for internships and grad schools. Seriously, look into it.

@CC Great mailbag. Your quote about being not passive in your own life was spot on.

03.12.10 at 12:18 pm

Dirty 5 Thirty

@Spiny Norman- My girl only had to tell me, “I want you to fuck the shit out of me.” It. Was. On.

03.12.10 at 12:19 pm

Fred Dryer for VP

To chafing guy: make sure you wash your junk after sex. I’ve had issues before with not chafing but the skin on my dangly parts having a reaction to the juices of past partners especially after falling asleep/passing out after the act. I now make a point to head to the bathroom to rinse off sometime after sex. Not all pussies are created equal and a variety of factors can mess with the PH down there and cause a reaction.

Dude with wife in bar: not to stir shit up but your wife may have been just drunk enough to forget that she shouldn’t do her normal “routine” of dropping her rings while out with her single friends while you are sitting there. That’s fucked.

03.12.10 at 12:29 pm

Lucky Like Little

@(not so) Fat Humps

CC is spot on, you gotta give some signals. And even then some guys will misread them. I had an experience when I met a girl at a dating event, we hit it off, and the next day we got together and put that bitch through the paces. Hot, rough, wild. She loved it, but seemed withdrawn after it was over. Turned out she didn’t expect things to get rough our first time out, and worried what else I had up my sleeve. It worked out, but the point is that most guys you like need some kind of signal that that’s what you want. Else you’ll have to go after more aggressive guys. ;)

03.12.10 at 2:16 pm

Perm

@Slash:
“Hypocrisy on a lot of things runs deep in America. And everywhere else.”

Well yeah, but few subjects get people going like sex, violence and religion… I mean this is the sex mailbag after all. :)

Look dude, I’m not saying that what she did was right, I’m simply pointing out that there were a lot of assumptions in KC’s original email that didn’t necessarily need to be filtered through an exclusively negative lens. Since then he has clarified that she has deliberately stated she would leave him if he did something similar, as well as confirming that he had a discussion during which he conducted himself rationally. So I don’t see the problem, my original responses were based on the overwhelmingly large number of meatheaded responses that I (rightfully) caricatured with “fuck this bitch!” I was just throwing my (alternate) opinion in to hopefully temper the debate in some way.

You’ll have to take my word for it, but I have no interest in sleeping with someone “under the table.” I know my comment above reads differently, but to clarify I mean that when divorced housewives are looking for somewhere to turn, they don’t go back to the “nice” guy that was grasping them so tightly they couldn’t breathe. Infidelity is something I don’t have to worry about, and the risks of sleeping with someone whose husband might show up at my door with a 9mm isn’t worth the reward of anonymous sex. I know and trust any partners I have and carry out honest conversations about the level of involvement before proceeding into any relationship. I know “non-monogamy” isn’t for everyone, but it absolutely prevents me from having to hide or lie about anything. Something many people can’t say truthfully.

03.12.10 at 2:50 pm

(not so) Fat Hump

@Spiny Norman – good one. I guess my mailbag letter came about because everything you read about sex/dating says you should talk about what you want sober and outside the bedroom, and although I normally don’t mind that avenue, that’s not the way I want to go on this matter.

03.12.10 at 2:55 pm

(not so) Fat Hump

@Lucky Like Little – your scenario is more along the lines of what I want. Although I’m not disagreeing with everyone’s advice to go with the nice guy, build up trust, and then put it out there, what I really want right now is to have that passion and chemistry from day one.

03.12.10 at 3:46 pm

Dr. Steve Brule

Hey guys! So what did I miss?

03.12.10 at 3:59 pm

dudebro

@nsfh

Too bad men are conditioned to believe that’s the exact opposite of what you want.

03.12.10 at 4:40 pm

The Curious Case of Gregory Oden

@Video Game Virgin

If joining a frat is out of your comfort level, try getting an on-campus job.

I went to a large state school as well, and worked for years at the phonathon call center, asking Joe Alumni for twenty bucks for the university’s annual fund. Lots of friendly, outgoing folks, and light on the entitled, daddy-makes-a-fortune db types. Plus you are forced to learn how to communicate quickly, effectively and persuasively with someone who really just wants you to go away…sound like a skill that might be useful in the pursuit of poon?

Bonus…shifts usually end around bar time, so more often than not you can get invited along for some post-work binge drinking.

03.12.10 at 5:59 pm

tsantsa

Me and my wife had been married 10 years (or so) before she/we figured out that she likes it like you’re describing. Well, she may have already figured that part out but she hadn’t let me know about it. Anyways, one night after drinking at the ole Catholic Church up the road (yearly festival with a beer and gambling tent on church grounds. Catholics are great) we got frisky. Well she started to bite me on the neck and was starting to hurt, so I told her “you do that again, i’m going to smack, I mean it.” Long story short, she bit, I smacked. She came on the spot. alot. We only participate that way on occasion, but

03.12.10 at 7:33 pm

Slash

RE dudebro Says:
“Too bad men are conditioned to believe that’s the exact opposite of what you want.”

Well, not conditioned, so much as told, no meaning no and all that. Obviously, YMMV, but many (most?) women, as I said before, don’t want the hair pulling, call me bitch stuff. So the opposite (ie, not pulling hair or calling names) is kinda the safe assumption. Given how easily a misunderstanding could turn into sexual assault charges (ie, Ben R., still innocent until proven guilty, though), you’re better off assuming your girlfriend/hook-up doesn’t want to be abused unless she specifically asks for it. And you know, if I was a guy, I’d be hesitant to act on it even if she did ask, unless I’d known her long enough to be pretty sure she’s not gonna turn psycho bitch on me and call the cops when it turns out a little more intense than she planned. Certainly not suggesting that’s the common result, just saying, when the result could potentially be an arrest for a sex offense on your record, a little caution is in order. Life is not a porno. Just because some woman in a porno loved the hair pulling and being called a bitch doesn’t mean an actual woman in real life will. This “I don’t want to have to tell him I want to be treated rough, he should just pick up on my subtle signals” is a tragic headline waiting to happen.

03.12.10 at 8:45 pm

love it a little rough

@ not so fat hump

As a chick who likes some hair pulling and smacking you just gotta tell em. While at the bar you say “I want you to take me home and fuck the shit outta me” no details, no hints, no direction. If they do it right, they’re yours. If not, and a little nudge in the right direction won’t work then dump them. But a phrase that helps them in the right direction works. If they ask “What do you mean?” Show them – sometimes they like it harder & rougher than they think you will, but guys who are into the heavier shit will give it to you if they know they’re safe to do so. My experience anyway.

03.13.10 at 2:27 am

schwangfoo

@ desean

Bravo on the Steel Panther. I thought that was a band only my close personal friends knew about, at least here in Ohio, anyway……

03.14.10 at 1:05 am

soy spartacus

Getting here very late with a solid Laphroiag buzz.

1. Karaoke Cuckold,

my wife and I have an explicit understanding. If I ever cheat no her, she’ll no-shit murder me. Likewise, if she cheats on me, I’ll no-shit murder her (and him). A fine and unambiguous policy. Seems worth mentioning in your case. Someone who takes of their rings like that did not happen to do it for the first time that night. Those rings have come off before.

2. Not so fat hump,

People who like sex like that are awesome, yet, were you to do do a Venn Diagram of people who like sex like that (or, rather, people who only like sex like that), and people who were molested, there’d be an unfortunate amount of overlap. If I’m wrong, I apologize, if I’m right, get a therapist and tell him or her that you’d like to not have to enjoy sex without needing to access your flawed first impressions of it. Again, apologize if I’m wrong, I just know girls who can’t enjoy sex with nice guys for that reason.

03.14.10 at 2:51 pm

andrew

girl who wants to get fucked….

You just simply need to be sluttier to attract slutty guys. If you go out in a police costume, people think you are a policeman. If you dress up as a nurse, they think youre a nurse. Dress the part. And act it. Physical contact, lots of it, that helps.

Also order a hot dog, sausage, popsicle, anything penis shaped, and enjoy it carefully in front of a guy while staring right at him. You’ll get fucked wild.

Or come to Lima Peru, I will pick you up at the airport.

03.14.10 at 9:36 pm

Perm

@SS – Well if I get chastised for making useless assumptions, you should be crucified for yours.

1) A “mutual agreement to murder” explicit understanding?
a) sounds healthy!
b) you understand that wouldn’t hold up under the law right? Also, what if your wife didn’t tell the dude she cheated on you with that she was married? He gets murdered too? My personal experience (YMMV) is that people that make arcane “rules” like this, even if just for symbolic reasons, are all the *more* likely to cheat themselves or be cheated on. Good luck, I imagine you hope I’m wrong?

2) What a horrible assumption. You realize that 33% of all girls under 18 have reported being molested, right? Furthermore, do you realize that only ~35% of all molestations are actually reported? Your proposed Venn diagram is baseless and useless. My wife and girlfriend both like “rough” sex, and neither have been molested.

03.15.10 at 2:13 pm

wtf?

$100 says the wife that took off rings to dance with straight stranger has also been banged out in the bathroom of said gay bar by straight strangers.

03.16.10 at 10:40 am

Paroxysmic

As a man living in NYC I completely agree with Uff’s assessment of the guys around here. Almost everyone is either a complete pussy or a total douchebag. There are very few people you can watch the game with, trust they’ll have your back in a fight, and also talk about some topic requiring more thought than how “fuckin’ awesome, brah” the latest Affliction t-shirts are.

03.18.10 at 12:05 am

Herbalife Belgie

Cool blog. You might want to add some anecdotes in your posts in order to make them more interesting.

10.07.10 at 2:11 pm

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04.21.11 at 1:54 pm

Helena Tarbor

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