Wednesday, April 16, 2014

The words seem like a flurry of unintelligible ramblings banging methodically against my eardrums. My eyes heavy - mind weaving in and out of the palpable reality. I suck in a deep breath, desperately trying to recollect quiet vitality to my exhausted physique and decrepit soul.

I sit here, and I wonder ; what am I & who am I? And why am i so desperately trying to make sense out of this - all of this, why am I dying to make something out of me?

Thursday, April 4, 2013

minta maaf setulus ikhlas kepada semua but yes, i have been acting like a jerk and real brat lately. but hey, please give me a break. i'm so tired of acting so sanely, can't i go all insane asylum up in this place?

yes, tired. the 'tired' mood has been at a high lately. i've been really tired of school, tired of eating (yes, that bad), tired of people, tired of going out or staying in (can't decide), basically just plain tired of living. no, not suicidal, just ..... tired. i've lost the zest in life, the passion to get up everyday and discover new things. these days, all i wanna do is curl into a ball of nothingness and disappear.

argh i wanted to blog this in bahasa malaysia to improve my kefasihan but argh screw this. i express better in english (selingan)

sorry this post is gonna sound all whiny and annoying and ungrateful but whatever. it's so tiring (there goes that word again) to be the one doing all the saving, being the motivator, being the go-to, being the keep-it-together person all the time, sometimes once in a while, all i wanna be is... well, saved, for a change.

i really can't explain this funk i'm in, so i googled some stuff up and apparently what i'm having coincides with symptoms of depression. losing joy in doing tasks one used to enjoy doing, sleep problems (insomnia or hypersomnia) , persistent feeling of sadness, agitation or restlessness, irritability or angry outbursts, crying spells for no apparent reason dan sebagainya.

it got so bad the other day during study leave. i thought i'll just ride this funk out but boy was it persistent like a bitch. berhari2 tak belajar, tak buat apa2, just crying and feeling upset and crying again. can somebody just do me a favour and rip these tear ducts out? while you're at it, rip out this horrermonal womanly emotional bouts too please.

i did reach out to people. but in this day and age, when you say you have psychological problems, people will only scoff at you and ask you to just 'shake it off'. what is wrong with people? why won't you treat depression or bipolarity or ape2 la psychological problems the same amount of concern as you'd treat diabetes or dengue or whatever? ini pun satu selingan. topik atau isu yg menarik yg mungkin boleh dibincang dihari lain mungkin.

i'm just really sorry if i pushed people away or if i'm inexplicably angry at you for no apparent reason at all, i truly am apologetic. i guess i am quite hurt with the world. here i am broken and wounded and no one's paused to offer comforting words. everyone's just going on with their busy little lives. i know that's unfair of me to accuse everybody so but i guess all i wanted was people (close ones) to be there for me during my times of need cos i sure as hell were there during yours.

but take it the good way. at least this experience has taught me to be stronger in ways i never knew i would be. it has taught me to just toughen up my backbone and continue going at it, alone. because afterall, you gotta get used to being alone when you're at the bottom. c'est la vie.

trying to salvage whatever sanity that i got left in this cluttered brain of mine. i'm set out on the path of self-love and worth but i don't know where to begin. i wish i could play a musical instrument really well or be really good at sports or something, but i just suck at that department, along with many other departments. even writing which used to be so easy and enjoyable seems to be quite a bit of a task to me. i'm talentless! what can i do to reaffirm myself that i am awesome again?

i mean, memang fitrah to want more and more but it is the cerebral cortex's job with the help of our moral compass to say , STOP. I HAVE ENOUGH.

tipu kalau saya katakan saya tak rambang mata bile gi Alexandria City Centre ke for instance. teman kawan2 beli baju ke. but no matter how persuasive those desires are, i still don't have the heart to spend money on 'wants' and not 'needs'.

hey, to each her own, but that's how it has always been for me.

i have rarely seen my mum buy anything for herself, she has always been putting her children first. and she's quite fine with clothes that are old but works quite well, and i guess that value has rubbed itself on me a bit.

since i was small, i was taught to not luxuriate myself with material goods as attaching and submitting yourself to material possesions & desires is a bottomless endeavour. Besides, there are better things to do with your money, ie charity or education or simply saving up for a rainy day.

but rewarding yourself once in a while is quite fine. for instance, i do allow myself to buy ONE thing (be it clothes or buku cerita or apa2 bende mengarut) once a month.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

I know things aren't the same and some time has passed and everyone has moved on and living out separate lives now. But every now and then, but not too often, i find my heart plagued with the longing of wanting to go back to the past, just to relive that memory for a moment.

Rindu nak ade dalam environment of all girls and can get loose without much care of the opposite sex.

Rindu nak bersiap dalam masa 2 minit and run like mad to the Dining hall so we won't get jotted down as latecomers. Goodness. Not deducting our own house points seems like the biggest thing that time, and it's funny how insignificant it is right now hahah

Rindu each and everyone one of my unique sisters from my Transcenders family.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

you can name me the world's most famous politicians, or actresses or even just the bloke who lives round the corner. we've all been plagued by it. we all know the feeling of staying up in the middle of the night, biting our nails, staring blankly into the endless dark horizon and questioning ourselves "Am i good enough?"

once in a while, we get the lucky chance to encounter a Free Spirit. A person who isn't imprisoned by the slavery our human mind so claims just to reign terror in our timid consciences. that person speaks freely of her/his mind - no barriers attached, struts and moves like a person on a mission, do whatever that needs to be done just to fulfill the impulse of the moment. we'll be watching in awe and go home still aching and swelling of envy and admiration of such individuals and yet again going to bed with that empty hollow feeling and the emblazed question of "Why can't that be me?"

but here are the facts. that person, goes to bed as empty and hollow as you are too. probably these people are just a little better at pretending, that's all.

life is a constant battle of self-love and acceptance. there are no heroic uphill conquests. it's as unpredictable and tumultous as a sine cosine wave graph. nobody has ever felt adequate all their lives. they need to be assured and reassured that they are, and even if they aren't , that's perfectly okay.

anyways here are small boosters to give your Confidence the botox injection it so desperately needs. see if it works for you :)

1) Travel. Go to a foreign country with a foreign language. better yet, do it ALONE. it's amazing what the human being is capable when put into a foreign position. you feel a sense of self-achievement and that surge mixture of adrenaline and happiness when you manage to get yourself out of a rut. of course there's a question of budget. not everyone can afford vacations. especially students like us. we can always opt to just get out of our comfort zone. my personal favourite always is getting lost in the city i live in. i mean, there's always places that are yet to be explored, right? or just take up a hobby that you wouldn't in a million years think of doing anyway. like baking or wrestling or something. hahaha

2) Quit facebook. or twitter or whatever. i used to have this self-destruct habit of going on facebook and browse through people's lives and pretty pictures and automatically start to feel like garbage. teruk gila kot effect, sampai all i wanna do after a session of 'self-mutilation' on the net, is to crawl into my bed and hide in my selimut for hours, trying hard to combat self-doubt from slapping me from left to right. hahah. not at all an exaggeration. seriously, memang i did the stay in selimut all day thingy. needless to say, it has rendered me unproductive, so i decide it's high time to change. hence, the not onlining on facebook so often.

3) Embrace all your broken parts. your very handicap could prove to be your forte. don't choose to see the glass half-empty or half-full, choose to see it well damn full ! technically it is anyway , half water + half air = full glass ! yes, by all means opt for narcissistic love. try to discover and learn bits and pieces of you each day. you're bound to be surprised at how little you know of yourself anyway. the things you hate about yourself could be the very reason people love so much about you :)

Friday, September 21, 2012

lately posts have always been about me, me, me. none of current issues, none of anything of substance really. i've become such a boring lame ass writer. haha. well, sorry to break it to ya but this is just one of my narcissistic posts... this blog is disappointing, i know i know.

i've never been much of a planner you see. like i've always said (see, repetitions, definitely losing my writing touch here hmm) , my planning consists of just planning 15 minutes ahead, nothing more. but i don't know what happened over the summer. like somebody cracked my head against a wall and i suddenly find myself with an epiphany (throwing in big words to salvage what little writing skills i've got haha)

i suddenly find myself with a plan. i suddenly feel pumped up and excited to be sculpturing my future, i feel inspired and rejuvenated. thank God for summer! (haha no seriously, a change in the environment and daily routine can do wonders to you. that's why holidays are so important! Alex U, take note please)

i've never wanted to be a doctor. going to medschool wasn't entirely my choice. i'm not really a fan of waking up mornings and dragging myself to lectures of doctors droning on and on with scientific jargons i can barely wrap my mind around. plus, being really lazy is something that should be taken into serious consideration before stepping foot into this field. which i did not. i just went into it head on like a car collision.

so, i've kinda floated by my first two years in medschool. i kinda just barely made it with a minimum pass. i credit that all to barakah, duas from my parents and friends. you see, the main reason i went on to take medic was to make my parents happy. and i guess God approved that. why else would he give me 60s (that's on the dot, passing mark) for many papers eventhough i didn't even read a single word of pharmacology and pathology (tak sempat punya pasal) ! yes, you may gasp now. berani mati betul lisazelang ni.

tapi sampai bila? SAMPAI BILAAAAAA~~~~~~~ !!!!

i call for change! i want change! yes we can! says obama. well, adopting that spirit, i want a transformasi! (Najib pulak) which i say every time anyway. but i'm bound to strike luck with one of those many tries right?

first off, i need to graduate med school! with flying colours? hmm, probably my first two years punya grades might drag down my pointer and i won't really get to grad with a high pointer cos pointer susah nak naik, but just f*ck it! ada aku kesah? yg penting i grad anyway and feel satisfied giving my best. yg lepas tu lepas la.

and kalau ade rezeki dan peluang, i opt to not do my HO kat malaysia. boleh tak? i don't owe the government, they don't spend a dime on my education in egypt, my parents do. kalau boleh i want to work in places like Qatar or Dubai or Saudi Arabia because i've already got the arabic-ish background from egypt, all i need to do is go to language classes and enforce my grasp of the language. speaking of money opportunities, these are the best places for me to kumpul sebanyak duit yang boleh to ensure i can buy my own car and house bile balik malaysia kemudian. by that time, living cost dah tinggi nak mapuh, dop payah la nak harapkan mak ayah atau bakal suami yang entah wujud atau tidak time tu haha.

and later on, i'd like to further my masters education kat Johns Hopkins University (ni betul2 dream big ni o.0) atau university2 yg seangkatan dengannya. i know i'm being a fool for dreaming of such things but people who are foolish enough to dream are the ones who make it, right? insyaAllah.

about what to specialise in.. hmm, this remains a mystery to me. i wake up each day deciding to be something different haha. kalau ikut minat setakat ni, saya benar2 suka module Nervous system, not that my marks reflect it though, so probably neurologist? i'm also interested in working with kids and people say i'm kinda motivating (angkat bakul sendiri. berat!) so perhaps pediatric oncology? some people say, perempuan sesuai jadi dermatologist, tak busy sangat, ada masa utk family life, bukak dermatology clinic and develop lotions or things like that. and to be realistic, mungkin i'm not really smart in the science department but i'm good with people and the science of it so, perhaps psychology? haha see what i mean. fickle-minded.

when i'm bloody rich and successful, i don't think i need to work anymore. i'll indulge my time in volunteerism because that's where my true passion lies at.

sooooooo, in konklusi, i neeeeheeheeeeeeed to focus on my studies right now! kalau nak berangan masuk ivy league uni, maka usaha perlu la setimpal ngan impian anda tu! ye dop? i have been a clutter and a mess for the first two years in egypt and i blame it on myself and the mentality i was bullied into. no more. saya takkan sibuk2 dah nak berdrama ke ape ke. i have been through enough to avoid one in the future. mentaliti cinta-cinta, kawin awal la, cinta islamik la pegi mampus! tak payah nak racun minda aku. all due respect, i am happy for my friends whom are in love and engaged or married, but i'm guessing all these aren't for me. not yet at least. i am happy with my stand. i mean, i look at my cousins, umur mencecah 25, dah start kawin2 semua. see, i am 20 now, lagi 5 tahun je pun (assuming i start kawin 25, kire mean age orang kawin la).. dalam masa 5 tahun ni la kite nak betul2 kejar cita2 kita, buat apa yg perlu sebelum dihujani dengan responsibilities that comes with married life. 5 tahun tu tak lama la bro, takyah duk layan sangat gatai2 di masa muda ni. and if i don't get married, then takpe, takde rezeki, jaga mak ayah sampai tua. romantik gittew. ape yg nak ditakutkan? kalau Allah tak tetapkan jodoh utk kite pun, maka rest assured that is the best, cos Allah only gives the best and only the best to His servants. He is perfect, only perfection comes from Him, nothing less.

i have this taboo of cerita-ing my dreams and wishes to people cos i feel it won't come true. but i guess that's khurafat. believe in Allah and Allah alone. if He wills it, insyaAllah what you desire shall come true. if not, He'll compensate with something better. that is His promise. Wa'dallahi haqqa. Janji Allah itu benar. ini baru the ultimate Janji Ditepati. hehe