Katy Perry’s Album Sucks, But We’d Totally Hit It

Jill Sobule doesn’t necessarily mind when confused fans ask her about the new I Kissed A Girl song by Katy Perry, which has the same title as the track that made her famous for half a heartbeat back in 1995. After all, hers was a cute, tongue-in-cheek look at a girl’s nervous excitement at having kissed a member of the same sex, while Perry’s isn’t much more than a Girls Gone Wild theme song, trying to get a guy’s attention by making out with another chick.

Katy Perry is the spunky daughter of two Christian ministers who enforced a strict, gospel-only approach to music when she was a child. What better way to rebel against the bible thumping curfew-setters than with her own album, full of Avril-inspired nonsense that rages unconvincingly about boys, boys, boys? It’s a fitting tale of road trips with friends a la Britney Spears’ Crossroads, bi-polar ex-boyfriends and coming into one’s self in the most narcissistic, disposable way possible with the help of exactly the kind of people who know just what it’s like to be a teenage girl: producers Glen Ballard and Dr. Luke (both over 50 years old), among others. The latter is nearly singlehandedly responsible for the success of pop-trash icon Avril Lavigne, having co-wrote and produced nearly all of her “hits.” The former, well, his accomplishments are formidable, but for every Aerosmith or Quincy Jones on his resume, there’s a Wilson Phillips and a Paula Abdul.

But that’s neither here nor there. Millions are millions, right boys? The bare facts here are that Katy Perry’s got a smokin’ body (see photos below) and exactly the mix of pipes, attitude and image that justifies her poster replacing idiot Brit mess Lily Allen’s in the main office lobby of Capitol Records’ Los Angeles building, but let’s not be too quick to call this sugary nonsense good. One Of The Boys doesn’t come off convincingly as the glossy rebellion it’s supposed to, instead treading somewhere between the soundtrack to the next low-budget teen-romance flick and the strip club.

There’s an endearing essence to the first impression One Of The Boys offers, but that whole scene lasts all of about 27 seconds. I saw a spider and I didn’t scream / Cause I can belch the alphabet / Just double-dog dare me… it’s once those guitars start rising and the song kicks into gear that it becomes clear what this song, this album, and Katy Perry, for that matter- are all about: cashing in on the newest movement of grrl power, hotter and slicker than that scowling little Sk8er Boi poser could ever manage, but still, somehow, utterly devoid of soul. And that’s a fucking crime, considering her hitmakers have worked with Michael Jackson and Aretha fucking Franklin.

That’s what you get for waking up in Vegas? What 23 year old knows a goddamned thing about the dark side of Vegas? Oh, that’s right, none do (except the whores, that is).

Thinking Of You is grasping, formulaically and unconvincingly, at the heartstrings with a whisper-to-falsetto verse, soaring-chorus and overall delivery that pretty much guarantees its place on future “mood music” CDs at your local Abercrombie & Fitch store. Ballard may as well have given this one to Alanis Morrisette; it sounds just like her anyway.

Mannequin starts like a live Ani DiFranco jam, and there goes that spark of hope again, acting up at the hint that this one could be a redeemer. But then I had to go and listen to the lyrics: I wanna hit you just to see if you cry / I keep knocking on wood, hoping there’s a real boy inside / But you’re not a man / You’re just a mannequin. Pay attention, Miley: chicks’ frustrations with teenage male indifference is an untapped market in the pop world. So put your shirt back on and get writing.

UR So Gay– This one’s bound to elicit smirks from dads passing their tween daughters’ bedrooms this summer, a righteous assault on the eyeliner / girl-pants / fagcore bullshit that’s infested the modern male. I can’t believe I fell in love with someone who wears more makeup than me, Perry croons, incredulous. Points for this one.

Lost– Ever find yourself face-down in a puddle of your own vomit, wrapped around the toilet? Ever been tempted to write a tinkly, pretty song about it? Too late, it’s been done already.

Use Your Love– Holy fucking Christ. I don’t suppose any of you remember that old Outfield song Your Love? You will once you hear this glossy psuedo-cover, with lyrics entirely re-written to center on the female point of view. It’s got spunk, but try pulling any of this shit off without Pro-Tools. The Outfield did it. Katy Perry can’t. The end of the track is bewildering and retarded, with Perry repeating the line I think I’m done fucking singing this song over and over, but if you can get past the over-production and blasphemous rewording the song’s pretty good overall, if only for the nostalgia.

When fat, gay millionaire bloggers with their sausage fingers on the pulse of what’s hot start calling her “one of the breakout stars of the summer,” I guess we’d better get used to seeing Perry’s charismatic nubiliciousness all over the place. That’s all fine and good- she’s hot as hell. Katy also comes across as the kind of chick that can throw ’em back and trash talk with the best of ’em, and that wins her points for sure. She seems like she’d be a lot of fun to hang out with.

Just don’t expect us to listen to this shit.

Katy Perry’s Album Sucks, But We’d Totally Hit It

Johnny Firecloud

June 13, 2008

1.5/10

Reviews published prior to February 23, 2015 used a 1-5 star rating system.

1.5Overall Score

1.5/5

Reviews published prior to February 23, 2015 used a 1-5 star rating system.

Johnny Firecloud's been kickin' names and takin' ass since his first interview in 2001 with A Perfect Circle, 6 years before starting AQ with Kevin Cogill. He also spent ten years as music editor/senior writer at CraveOnline.

i have to disagree..
she is a great looking girl and the album itsnt all that bad.
get you in an up beat mood when your ready to go out at party.
and when your having one of those mellow days it tends to that too.
but one things for sure..
id kiss this girl and id like it..

Katy Perry is very talented. C’mon an artist that can actually play an instrument and write her own songs nowadays? She has a beautiful voice.. I got her album the day it came out and every song is my favorite song. For the record, “Use Your Love” isn’t even on the album. I agree with Amanda, you didn’t listen to the album. It is so disappointing to see a artist that has a tremendous amount of talent get dissed like that. “I hate her music, but I would fuck her”. You’re such a guy. Disgusting.

The whole album screams OverProduced. She needs a creative band behind her who will demand interesting guitar riffs and whatnot. Maybe when her contract is up she’ll be able to start channeling some of her creativity into lyrics instead of fashion.

Haven’t listened to all of her songs, but I kissed a Girl and Ur so Gay. Catchy, but not Grammy Award Winning. I’d be surprised if she even made a second album. I’m a chick, but I don’t want to listen to a song where its nothing but pissing and bitching about the opposite sex and trying to make yourself feel empowered. I am tired of one-hit wonders. It seems now-a-days anyone can sing. Hint Hint, not everyone can. And if the lyrics sound like I wrote them, then you shouldn’t quit your day job.

his album is a bargain bucket of awful, cynical dreck riding on some kind of vapid, manufactured zeitgeist. Even the catchiness of a few of the songs shows only that her songwriters aren’t complete idiots. But this isn’t the hit-factory; it’s a dehumanized, eye-rollingly apathetic application of musical formulas chucked together in an afternoon.

I think she is a very talented singer. I do have to agree that her album is a little over produced. she should have stuck with how she used to sound. More rocker less popper. But i think it is a phase and that her next album (if there is one) will hopefully be more rock.

I could make an album with 10 recordings of me taking a crap and it would have a million times more integrity and talent than Katy Perry’s new album… seriously, can people stop calling this kind of music rock and alternative, cause that era has passed and these pieces of shit just give it a bad name.
The girl sucks, she is a snotty bitch that hangs out with a bunch of self absorbed homos. The only way to be original anymore is to get a brain. Some tell this dyke to get over herself.

I don’t understand why sites like this even bother to consider the whole mainstream trash rock pop alternative junk. Even their positive reviews are on crap bands and music. Give it up and focus on music worth listening to.

send us some of that “music worth listening to.”
we cover plenty of non-mainstream acts, but almost every time some rando sends us some great new band that is “real music” and “better than that mainstream shit” it… it’s mediocre at best. impress us, i dare you.

well, in this particular case, we’re qualifying “been around” with guest vocals on a p.o.d. track and some well chosen dicks sucked at an x-games or two. that’s far enough away from any place i’d ever be caught dead near to be considered gone, and that’s where she’ll soon return to. sure, she might pop up on a vh1 reality show or something, but it’ll be much easier to laugh at her self-dissection than to listen to her music.
the pop stars that stick around are the ones with some talent to play with. her voice isn’t anything special and it’s definitely not enough to carry a career. as johnny pointed out, her songs were written by middle aged men, and they’ll move on as soon as a prettier face hits their desk on a glossy 8″ x 10″.

very funny yet totally valid review. honestly, i think its important to make sure there is a voice of reason out there fighting back against crap projects like katy perry… just some one to remind us that overproduced pop sucks. hell… its responsible. i cringed at the chick who was talking about listening to this to get her ‘in the mood to party’. trade in the zima for some vox

from a post above:
“I agree with Amanda, you didn’t listen to the album. It is so disappointing to see a artist that has a tremendous amount of talent get dissed like that. ‘I hate her music, but I would fuck her’. You’re such a guy. Disgusting.”

are you fucking retarded? her hit single is “I Kissed a Girl.” yeah, we should all respect her, she makes such great songs about respect for girls and everything. this song/artist is an insult to music and overproduced as fuck. and i would fuck her, she looks alright, but PLEASE dont ask us to respect a girl who sings songs like a slut

OK, so Katy Perry’s new album is hardly ground breaking stuff, but it *is* enjoyable.

To dismiss anything slapped with the ‘pop’ label is somewhat short-sighted. Not all pop music sucks, and that includes ‘One of the Boys’.

Tracks such as ‘Ur So Gay’, whilst far from being anything out of the ordinary in terms of music, are fun, enjoyable, unpretentious tunes with a nice degree of knowing attitude and humour.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t an album which is going to be locked in my stereo for the next few few months (to be honest, after getting my review done at work, it got put in a draw and I haven’t touched it since), but after listening to it for at least a few weeks to make sure I could say something fair, all I could say was positive stuff about Katy.

she did ‘kissed a girl’ acoustically on howard stern’s sirius show the other day. while i completely fucking hate that song and am absolutely sick of hearing it, the acoustic version was much, much better. her band is alright and she’s got a good voice.
not that that’s saying a lot, but hey.

Fuck Katy Perry! Just another whore who used Christian music as a stepping stone into mainstream music, just like that braindead Jessica Simpson. I can’t stand other girls who play lebso just to tease guys, or vapid pop trash with no true feeling. She’s like a frozen dinner- prepackaged with no real flavor. I’d like to knock her the fuck out.

please answer this.
I don’t know what to do. i seriously think i have a crush on her. i think u guys are right she is not htat good, but i just wont admit it.. ican’t it’s painful.. i think i love her because of her hot body and her attitude, which is very carismatic indeed. it drives me crazy, because i really can’t lie to myself about how i feel about her music. plz people i need an advice. and a good one. not something like :”forget her” . i become obsessed when reading such reviews, i know she sucks, but i don know.. i can’t let her go.. i feel horrible. really really horrible. FUCK KATY PERRY. i still love u

“I agree with Amanda, you didn’t listen to the album. It is so disappointing to see a artist that has a tremendous amount of talent get dissed like that. ‘I hate her music, but I would fuck her’. You’re such a guy. Disgusting.”

“”are you fucking retarded? her hit single is “I Kissed a Girl.” yeah, we should all respect her, she makes such great songs about respect for girls and everything. this song/artist is an insult to music and overproduced as fuck. and i would fuck her, she looks alright, but PLEASE dont ask us to respect a girl who sings songs like a slut””

again. another person who thinks they’re superior because she/he hates mainstream music. if you hate mainstream music, then stop roasting innocent people who has done nothing to you. it’s not going to make you any better. and you’re responding to a person pointing out to the author of this this stupid blog rant that he/she should not judge an artist by one song which you are doing right now. just because she’s not your cup of tea doesn’t mean she doesn’t sing real music because she does. seriously get over yourself. and a slut is a person who sleeps with different people daily. don;t call her a slut. you’re the one who said “i would fuck her”.

Fuck the critics.I don’t care what will they say, i don’t care what rolling stone or allmuisc guide think, i love katy perry. I love her music. I don’t think she’s a one hit wonder, or an attention whore.
She makes me happy. She’s beautiful.She’s a nice person. Her song are absolutly amazing. That’s enough for me.
People think they’re so smart posting such “mr know it all” reviews, wraping them in their sarcastic shit. How sad. A sad day for humanity. REALLY REALLY SAD DAY.

I see where you are coming from in your article. However, in Katy Perry’s defense I don’t think you should judge her as a musician but more as an entertainer. A “pop star” if you wish. She is a whole package sort of deal, living up to a specific persona through a variety of outlets -one being her music. Others include her fashion, attitude etc etc. She is not and should not be compared to let’s say a composer who studies music as a discipline and spends his days dissecting the intricacies of Beethoven. Katy Perry may not be a lyrical genius or even as good live as in her album, but her music is catchy and fun. She is perfect for the mood and audience she is targeting. You probably won’t hear “I kissed a girl” being covered by the New York symphony orchestra any time soon, but for a night on the town where you want to get have a few drinks and get silly on the dance floor, she is great! And I am a believer that in order to know you’ve made it as an artist someone has to write an article about why you suck.

i really dont think katy perry’s album suck infact i think it rock and i think katy is a real person that can sing about anything and shes a girl that has girl issues and alot of us can relate to some of her song like “ur so gay” i mean almost every girl has dated a guy that was more on the gayish side like spenting loads of time in front of the mirror than with u and” i kissed a girl “like there are some girls out there that dont kno who they are or are comfused with wat they want in a relationship or there are girls that just want to have fun and be wild like ive been to parties and gotten a little drunk and kissed a girl that doesnt mean anything i think she is a true artist and she has the look the voice the personality and she just seems like girl who doesnt give a shit what people think and thats wat makes her cool and fun

It always cracks me up when I hear people talking about this chicks super awesome totally original song about making out with a chick, like she’s doing something that hasn’t been done before. But I guess to all the dumbass kids born after 1990 she’s pretty original. Can’t wait to see her as a talking head has-been in 10 years on Vh1’s “I Love 2008″…

I heart Katy Perry…not necessarily her music…but her style…and well, hey, she’s hot. But besides my girl crush, I also think she has some talent. Unfortunately, she’s gotta conform to the labels for the first album, and her writing could use some maturity. This album is not great by any means, but it’s catchy and fun when you just wanna dance around and act like a teenage girl again. Give her some time though, and I think she’ll find her true voice.

I can’t believe people like this trash, and that they think katy actually has talent…….she is a piece of ass that goes into a studio, has all of her songs written for her and uses tons of vocal pitch correction and effects……..even if she wrote her own music…its pretty pathetic……”you change your mind like a girl changes clothes” sounds so lame…very amateur

katy perrys albums sucks what the fuck dose god has to do to finish her off what kind of drugs is she on if she tell’s than i should get some these are the bands that are better than katy perry Def leppard,Meatloaf,led zeppelin,The doors,The beatles,The who,Zztop,Ac\Dc,The kinks,Van halen,Pink Floyd.hell a fat drunk guy blowing chunks sounds better than katy perry

Dont diss katy perry she bloody rocks she has an amazing voice and also had an amazing body i love her and weter she writes her own songs or not they rock you are very lucky to have someone like katyperry singing shes 1 of a kind for deffo but shes brill YOU GO KATY PERRY!!ignore the people that dont like you!!..xx…xxCUS i think ur the best !! whooo!!

Katy Perry: a self righteous whore.
Songs.
I kissed a girl: one of the most offensive songs on CD to bisexuals.
Mannequin: a ridiculously, nonsensical pile of metaphor that make less sense than a kettle made from ice.
Lost: Hence why I call her a whore
Waking up in Vegas: see ‘Lost’
Ur so gay: part ‘lost’, part ‘I kissed a girl’. A compilation of her worst aspects.
One of the boys: once again, ‘lost’
If you can still afford me: enough said.
Self inflicted: oh, I wish she’d take a hint from this song
Hot N cold: stop torturing cats.
I’m still breathing: pity.