Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

Can someone please explain this to me

I haven't posted in a while, but I have finally gotten to the point where I have told my lawyer to draft the divorce papers. My question is, if he is so miserable and doesn't want to be around me, why hasn't he made any move to leave or file himself? Why do I have to do it? I would have preferred if he did it, but he seems to say how awful things are and what a b**** I am, but won't do anything to end it even though he says he wants a divorce. I was the one who tried to fix things, I was the one who made all the effort, and I am the one who has finally said I am filing because he won't. He constantly gives mixed signals, and says he wants a divorce, but won't do anything about it and continues to live our lives like nothing is happening. How does this make sense? Someone please explain this too me.

It sounds like that is just part of his personality. It looks like he wants you to do everything. In the marriage and getting out of it too. It sounds that your taking the next step though which is hard but good for you. good luck with filing!

I'm going on the assumption that the mixed signals you are alluding to is that he says he wants a divorce and won't file, is this correct? If you feel you are beyond the point of reconciliation then don't try to understand him. The best bit of advice anyone gave me through this entire process is don't try to figure out there motivation or what their reasoning is. Trying to figure that out will not help you get anywhere in fact it will drive you crazy focusing your attention on answering the unanswerable instead of living in the here and now.

Sounds like he needs you around so he can bash you emotionally, mentally, and verbally. Threats are a great way to do that. My ex used to threaten to divorce me, but I knew he would never take the first step. I was also every name you could ever hear and I did many things wrong. I also tried to do everything I could to keep the marriage together for as long as I could. I'm not totally blameless for what happened, but what you are going through sounds vaguely familiar.

I am trying to reach the point Bernie talked about where you just DON'T try to figure them out.. mine also wanted to move out, but seems in NO hurry to file....he also buys me things and compliments me. It is a very strange reality to live in!! I am giving up on figuring him out. I'm going to go with the actions that make the most sense, lol!

I think the mixed signals thing is relatively easy to explain. As much as we want to demonize our exes, they are having a hard time coming to grips with divorcing. They see themselves as good people, which they may in fact be, and good people don't hurt their spouse. There is alot of conflict at work for these people hence the fli flopping.

That's passive aggressiveness my dear. And what I lived with for 16 years. Sounds like my story. He used to threaten with divorce several times a year. Preferred to verbally abuse then take any real adult actions.

tegian you echoed exactly what is happening, he says I love you but he wants a divorce and I'm a b**** for everything i do. Oh, and he is very clear about wanting a divorce he says...really then why hasn't he filed and why does he still say I love you and all the other stuff. Total pain.

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