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Topic : 06/30 Inappropriate In-laws

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Created on : Friday, April 25, 2008, 03:04:05 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 05/01/08) When couples tie the knot, they don't just marry each other; they get hitched to their spouse’s entire family. But what would you do if your in-laws were demanding, condescending and sometimes violent? Bambi hasn’t spoken to her daughter, Kendra, for two years, and she blames her son-in-law, Adam. Bambi says she and Adam got into a heated argument in which she not only slapped him, but also went looking for a gun to shoot him! Kendra says her mother was way out of line for physically assaulting Adam and doesn't know if she can change her controlling ways. Bambi says Kendra is dead to her — and even built a makeshift gravesite in her yard to symbolize her grief. The irascible in-law says she's desperate to reconcile with Kendra -- but not Adam. Will the couple accept her terms? Join the discussion.

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05/01 Inappropriate In-laws

The Bible says, in the book of Genesis, that a man is to leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife. I interpret that to mean that the wife also leave her parents to cleave unto her husband. Of course, God isn't telling husbands and wives to have nothing to do with their parents, and in-laws. But, when a man and a woman get married, their marriage becomes their primary relationship. Which doesn't preclude their already established family relationships. Or, forming new relationships with their in-laws. But, boundaries need to be set. To keep parents and in-laws intruding too much into their marriage. And, under extreme circumstances, the couple might have to avoid any contact with a parent, or in-law. Bambi's behavior, physically assaulting her son-in-law and looking for a gun with which to shoot him, suggests that she's a danger to him. And, not only declaring her daughter dead, but putting a fake grave in her own yard? Sheeesh! That's creepy. Sounds like Bambi's one super-sicko nut-job. I'll bet her daughter got married just to get away from her.

my daughter does not speak to me either

My daughter was having trouble with her husband because of his cocaine and steroid use. we both tried talking to him and he got mad. i even offered to pay for rehab. since that conversation my daughter has stopped talking to me and refuses to let me see my grand-daughter. i am so extremely hurt, because i stood by her for years while we went through court when her father sexually abused her and her sister. she will not tell me what is going on and i had to hire security at my wedding because her husband (who is a ex-policeman and a professional bodybuilder) said he was going to show up and ruin our wedding.

In-laws don't have to be bad!

Adding my husband's family has been a blessing! I not only did I gain a mother-in-law but she is my best friend. Boundaries do have to be set to prevent family from intruding too much in your marriage. My in-laws don't intrude. It is my mother and this is just one of my issues with her that causes us to have a limited relationship. Bambi sounds like she is way out of line! She needs to get control of herself before she can mend the relationship with her daughter. The problem is that even if Kendra forgives Bambi their relationship will never be the same. I have forgiven my mother for many things, but our relationship will never return to what it was before. Past actions are still remembered and trust never fully returns. I can't wait to see the show and get the full story.

the most difficult MIL from anywhere

I meet my husband in 2003; in dec 2003 and through to the june 2004 his mother kept telling me to marry him - he was going through a family court battle since dec 03 with his youngest; he is 10 yrs older than i and has two children to two different mothers. Considering we had only seriously started the relationship since on or about Christmas of 2003 his mother terrified me! I was only about 20 at this time. And then his "lawyers" started to say the same in June 2004 and July 2004; His mother turned to me and said marry him or get your things and get out - I had moved into his house which he bought about 5 years earlier and was sole title holder.

So we got married at the registry office - at first it was great. She was sooooo happy and supportive .

My brother in law moved in - not wanting to be the meat in the middle I told my husband to get the "rent" out of the BIL or tell him to move out. In total when my BIL did leave he owed us and still owes us some $3,500.

This is at the very heart of the ongoing dispute with the Mother in law. (My husband father died many years ago and has step father)

It was some time after the BIL moved out that the fight started with the MIL. Husband (H) was stressed because we needed and still do the money we loand to BIL and have asked several times for it to be returned. BIL contacted us sounding very desperate and I said to H not to call him back he only wants money; but H did want he wanted and called BIL and guess what, we have our own business and BIL wanted some items for FREE and H told him no! and that is when the fight between the two brothers started.

BIL left a threatening message on our messages and said he would burn the house down and get H fired from his part-time job, in addition to our business.

We reported it to the police.

The MIL enters and accuses me of interfering with the relationship b/t H and BIL and immediately turned and said no BIL did that when he had sex not once but twice with H ex- the mother of his first and eldest child and could very well be that child's true father. ]

MIL got very upset and said she washes her hands of H until he forgive BIL for his debts and moves on.

H called MIL the next day and had about a 30 minute call. Telling her he was not going to forgive him and then he brushed off the blame of other issues onto me and his other brother's wife, K.

Since this call MIL has gone about telling people that I have destroyed teh relationship b/t H and BIL and that I have also and continue to destroy the relationship b/t H and MIL (herself)

That I am the reason whey H doesn't talk to her, his own mother.

It is AMAZING that a reborn catholic and how she carries on about forgiving that she has the audacity to them blame others for her own actions.

We have since found out that MIL borrowed alot of money when H's father died tragically a sum of $30, 000 and refused to pay it back to the various family members on that side of teh family because they owed that money to her!

Just because - not that they actually owed the money it was simply because she said so.

Mother like son!

To this day the money of BIL is outstanding and MIL continually denigrates me to everyone that knows me and H and inadvertantly tell us that she, MIL, is doing that and how sad she is and annoying she is.

It is heartbreaking that she can't simply say to BIL you owe H the money pay him! and apologise. Obviously BIL will never be welcome back into our lives for whatever reason but atleast it would be peaceful.

Then there is the older BIL and his wife K - who continue to aggravate the situation. Because when the older BIL told MIL of his engagement she told him that she would have nothing to do with him if he did go ahead and a marry K and for the last 13 years thye have been on the outer of the family and H was the favourite and then H and I were the favourite with younger BIL the most favourite and older BIL and K not at all included in the MIL life.

Now MIL and older BIL and K have a fantastic relationship and frequently visit each other and enjoy each other's company.

So sometimes it is not only the MIL';s but also the - by marriage sister in laws too.

But MIL is too much not one person would openly welcome her to their home- she has to make it known that she will be in that area and is need of a place to stay or otherwise simply invites herself to their home and often they will purposely make themselves scarce so that they don't have to tolerate her.

She frequently demanded H do a,b,c, and that he must forgive BIL of the debt otherwise she was not going to talk to him again and by H saying I am not going to do that - MIL blames me....

when step daughters tell your child her father is nothing to her father.

I have a 29 year old step daughter who is so selfish. She is all ways putting my 13 year old daughter she is nothing to her father. He is the only father figure my daughter has had sence she was 8 years ol and I have four other children and all so have my step daughter older daughter in my home. I hurt because of the talk but i never treat any of the five children in my home any diffrent. I only have one at birth but I took all them in to my home and that make's the chidren all equel in my eyes. Any one can be a sperm bank but it take a special person to be a mom or a dad. That means love and not showing any child that one mean's more then the other because no one is any more to our father God we are all equil to him so all should be the same in our eyes. I do love all the children in my home the same. Even my Grandaughter to me there is not no adopted or step they are my children and grandchildren. Even my step daughters i dont only have my daughter i have his children are mine when i marred him I marred his children and love all the same. But he and I have to look at the one's at home and the care they need first and the grown ones we have to pray for them and love them but only thay can make choice to go right or wrong. But let them all know we are and do love them no matter how life is what a person chose's for thir self's

What a mess!!

I meet my husband in 2003; in dec 2003 and through to the june 2004 his mother kept telling me to marry him - he was going through a family court battle since dec 03 with his youngest; he is 10 yrs older than i and has two children to two different mothers. Considering we had only seriously started the relationship since on or about Christmas of 2003 his mother terrified me! I was only about 20 at this time. And then his "lawyers" started to say the same in June 2004 and July 2004; His mother turned to me and said marry him or get your things and get out - I had moved into his house which he bought about 5 years earlier and was sole title holder.

So we got married at the registry office - at first it was great. She was sooooo happy and supportive .

My brother in law moved in - not wanting to be the meat in the middle I told my husband to get the "rent" out of the BIL or tell him to move out. In total when my BIL did leave he owed us and still owes us some $3,500.

This is at the very heart of the ongoing dispute with the Mother in law. (My husband father died many years ago and has step father)

It was some time after the BIL moved out that the fight started with the MIL. Husband (H) was stressed because we needed and still do the money we loand to BIL and have asked several times for it to be returned. BIL contacted us sounding very desperate and I said to H not to call him back he only wants money; but H did want he wanted and called BIL and guess what, we have our own business and BIL wanted some items for FREE and H told him no! and that is when the fight between the two brothers started.

BIL left a threatening message on our messages and said he would burn the house down and get H fired from his part-time job, in addition to our business.

We reported it to the police.

The MIL enters and accuses me of interfering with the relationship b/t H and BIL and immediately turned and said no BIL did that when he had sex not once but twice with H ex- the mother of his first and eldest child and could very well be that child's true father.

MIL got very upset and said she washes her hands of H until he forgive BIL for his debts and moves on.

H called MIL the next day and had about a 30 minute call. Telling her he was not going to forgive him and then he brushed off the blame of other issues onto me and his other brother's wife, K.

Since this call MIL has gone about telling people that I have destroyed teh relationship b/t H and BIL and that I have also and continue to destroy the relationship b/t H and MIL (herself)

That I am the reason whey H doesn't talk to her, his own mother.

It is AMAZING that a reborn catholic and how she carries on about forgiving that she has the audacity to them blame others for her own actions.

We have since found out that MIL borrowed alot of money when H's father died tragically a sum of $30, 000 and refused to pay it back to the various family members on that side of teh family because they owed that money to her!

Just because - not that they actually owed the money it was simply because she said so.

Mother like son!

To this day the money of BIL is outstanding and MIL continually denigrates me to everyone that knows me and H and inadvertantly tell us that she, MIL, is doing that and how sad she is and annoying she is.

It is heartbreaking that she can't simply say to BIL you owe H the money pay him! and apologise. Obviously BIL will never be welcome back into our lives for whatever reason but atleast it would be peaceful.

Then there is the older BIL and his wife K - who continue to aggravate the situation. Because when the older BIL told MIL of his engagement she told him that she would have nothing to do with him if he did go ahead and a marry K and for the last 13 years thye have been on the outer of the family and H was the favourite and then H and I were the favourite with younger BIL the most favourite and older BIL and K not at all included in the MIL life.

Now MIL and older BIL and K have a fantastic relationship and frequently visit each other and enjoy each other's company.

So sometimes it is not only the MIL';s but also the - by marriage sister in laws too.

But MIL is too much not one person would openly welcome her to their home- she has to make it known that she will be in that area and is need of a place to stay or otherwise simply invites herself to their home and often they will purposely make themselves scarce so that they don't have to tolerate her.

She frequently demanded H do a,b,c, and that he must forgive BIL of the debt otherwise she was not going to talk to him again and by H saying I am not going to do that - MIL blames me....

I am sorry to hear the family mess you are involved in! First thing to keep in mind is that the only person you can control is YOU. From what you said it appears to me that your BIL is very selfish, manipulative, and expects everyone else to bail him out in time of need. If my BIL threatened me I would have nothing to do with him. After what he did to your H (with ex), why did you allow him into your home? I can't stand when others think the world owes them something. This is the type of people your BIL and MIL seem like. Why worry and stress about the rift in your relationship with BIL and MIL? All they have done is cause problems in your life and stress. Yes, you need to be civil but you don't have to have a close relationship with them. Take the good and leave the bad. It is sad that she chooses to favor children, but do you really want to be close with this type of person and be her favorite? Take the good and leave the bad. Have a limited relationship with her. Control yourself in a respectable manner and refuse to engage in a feud with her. Simply walk away and make this her problem. Those that know you and you care about their opinion will know that your MIL is speaking ill of you and is the problem. Those that side with her and believe her, you probably aren't close with and who cares what they think. I wouldn't want to associate with such people. You can't control your MIL. Be true to yourself and focus on your marriage. At this rate she will be a sad lonely women soon! Life is short - make the most of it and don't waste time on a feud. Don't let your MIL make you miserable! You choose how you feel and behave - not her! Good luck and keep me updated on how things are going.

In-laws

My in-laws are weird. My husband has 2 sides to his family one is the rich snobby side like his aunts and uncles. They figure if you don't have money like them they want nothing to do with you. Which is fine with me cause i don't like them too much anyway. His dad and step-mom are cool they don't get into our buisness. Now his 2 brothers are trouble makers. They don't have jobs and live off of what girl they happen to be with at the time. They have tried for years to break us up. They have failed though. Me and my husband have nothing to do with them. My family on the other hand has accpeted my husband as one of their own.

I too have In-laws from hell

I have in-laws from hell also. They made every joyous event a nightmare, and that was my fault because I gave them the power to do so. I have never been good at ignoring, but as Dr. Phil has used the term, my mil could piss off a statue. I never did anything right, from child reaering to cooking, to where my furniture was if I went out, I would come home and find furniture moved, closets reorganized, or even switched around to the point of me not being able to find the dishes, because they were no longer in the cabinet they used to be. She told me to be open and honest with her, yet when I was she would violently explode on me, and spew her venom. She had nothing but negative comments when we bought our firsat home, the house next door was also for sale, she finagled her way in to see it,all while our inspection of our home was going on, then pulls me next door and starts saying isn't this house nicer wouldn't you rather have this house? My husband got so annoyed with her, he told her to knock it off, at this point I was three months pregnant, because my husband, her son, scolded her, she visciously attacked me verbally in the car, screaming at me that he wouls never have spoken to her that way if I didn't put it in his head to do so, that I have no right to speak to him about her, and that all I do is cause trouble by telling my husband the things she says or does......Basically stating that her son has no mind or ears or mouth of his own, I tell him what she says, and then tell him how he should feel about it. The end result is that we now have nothing to do with her or my FIL, they are venomous people, and they made our lives a living hell, even to the point of speaking badly about me to our older child. That was really the last straw, that and the belittling our parenting to us in front of the children to the point when the kids were around all of us, she was the go to guy, and they said she was the oldest so she was in charge, her words obviously. We would tell the kids no, the would ask her she would hear us say know and allow them to do it anyway, my son started looking at us and smirking when this would happen as if he knew we had no control when she was around.

Same here

My in-laws are weird. My husband has 2 sides to his family one is the rich snobby side like his aunts and uncles. They figure if you don't have money like them they want nothing to do with you. Which is fine with me cause i don't like them too much anyway. His dad and step-mom are cool they don't get into our buisness. Now his 2 brothers are trouble makers. They don't have jobs and live off of what girl they happen to be with at the time. They have tried for years to break us up. They have failed though. Me and my husband have nothing to do with them. My family on the other hand has accpeted my husband as one of their own.

My husbands family is a nightmare, it was like his mother wants no other woman in her son's lives, it is freudian at best. We also have nothing to do with them, and our lives are far more peaceful for excommmunicating. I find comfort in watches these shows on Dr. Phil, because then I don't feel like we are the only family with these issues. They have had nothing to do with our daughter, yet my husbands son from his first marriage is the golden boy. My step son was living with us full time, and they would come over bearing gifts for him, and nothing for our daughter who is definately their biological grandchild. Our daughter is almost two, I had to buy another baby records book, and they are now down as deceased as per my husbands wishes, because he says to him they are dead. We watched an episode of Dr. Phil in which he asked a son how he would feel if his mother died, the woman was also a monster-in-law, My husband told me that his mother and father are already dead to him, he did his morning the day he stopped all contact with them. We fought with this no contact thing for a long time, but it got tiring always having to be the bigger person, and my m-i-l would never apologize for anything. It was always an I'm sorry you feel that way, or I'm sorry you took it that way.