nothing in here is true

Monday, October 21, 2002

Tony, your site is incredible! really, I’m impressed, it’s like you have some amazing stream-of-consciousness rap that you can capture in print.

I’m a convert!! Your site inspired me to start my own blog.

But I’m confused, b-cause the things you write about, like interviewing the supermodels, are beyond believability.

And yet, there you are in some of the photographs livin the big-pimpin’ life that you talk about it your blog. But looking at you.. and DO NOT take this as an offense, but. you’re not the best looking guy in the world. Not ugly, don’t get me wrong, but not worthy of the beautiful life you seem to lead.

Anyway, please convey your infinite wisdom on your newest fan!!

How do you pull off this amazing life of yours?

-Adolfo

Adolfo,

thank you for your email.

you’re right. the site is incredible. and it really does seem like i have some sort of stream of conscious thing going on, which means to me, that it has some sort of flow. some writers don’t like being called stream of conscious, but i don’t mind.

but most importantly you’re correct in your analysis of my less than handsome looks.

i take no offense.

i too am amazed by not only the quality of this blog, but by the lifestyle that an average looking fellow like myself can sustain despite the lack of blessings of height, muscles or Grecian good looks. instead of long flowing blonde locks, mine are brown and curly and thinning. instead of six pack abs, my belly bulges slightly and is fuzzy with curly hairs. instead of hulking vin diesel arms, mine are scrawny and wanting.

how do i get laid so often? how do i get to go out on dates with the finest women in all of los angeles? how do i get to have the coolest friends in the world? and do it without a car or money or a fancy house or a big time fancy job or a powerful family or a ten inch tongue or a twelve inch schween?

hell if i know.

and the more you read this thing the more you will discover that i ask these questions every time a girl kisses me, or takes off her top, or whispers something incredible in my ear, like, “i just came from the nordstrom’s lingerie department and the woman measured me and said that i am a 34 triple d. would you like to see?”

i don’t know how these things happen to me. i know im being victimized in some way. haven’t figured out how yet.

but as soon as i figure out what the hell is going on, you, adolfo, will be the first i will tell.

good luck with your blog.

that might be the secret secret.

tony

p.s. the stories that i haven’t told are the ones that would completely blow your mind. i say that not to brag, but because that fact still stuns me.