Thursday, July 31, 2008

Now as I was a 15 to 18 year old during Wrestling's last apex as a man with agility and size? I harbored dreams of being a pro wrestler. Call it what you will, but I was in the demographic market. Sue me.

However? I have the maturity of someone three years younger than my actual age, so my 15 year old dreams is much like those of a 12 year old who wanted to be Willie McGee. It wasn't gonna happen. Not by any stretch.

However the second? I am an admirer of delusion. Those who will find themselves trying to work their way all the way from the bottom to the top. Mike Levy is one of those people.

On June 21, 2008, Mike Levy, an indy wrestler from North Carolina, was booked into IWA-MS's female Death Match tournament, which was attended by maybe 75 people. Rather, Levy is apparently an untrained wrestler who through some message board postings, made it known that he wanted to participate in the IWA-MS Death Match tournament. The false hype by a few wrestling message board posters led IWA-MS promoter Ian Rotten to add Levy to the women's tournament as a joke.Levy's opponent in the match was current TNA Knockout Mickie Knuckles, and he took a horrible beating from her. She worked stiff on him, giving him several brutal shots with weapons throughout the match. Levy, who was apparently trying to defend himself, also starts throwing legit punches at one point in the match. This greatly angers Knuckles, so she becomes even more violent towards him. During this, Knuckles gives herself a huge lump on her head from headbutting Levy so much. The beating went on for eight to ten minutes before Knuckles got the win. As bad as the beating was, it was actually the tame part.Following the match, two apparent wrestlers dressed in street clothes enter the fray. One's a skinny guy by the name of Devon Moore, and the other is a guy by the name of Tank, who looks to be about 400 pounds and is supposedly a wrestler. The crowd began chanting for Levy's finisher The Curb Stomp, which WWE star Paul Burchill uses. Tank then grabs Levy and holds his head over a barbed wire ladder. Devon comes the top rope with a double stomp that drove Levy's head hard into the ladder. As if that wasn't enough, the 400-pound Tank climbs to the second rope and lets his much larger size come crashing down from the second rope, stomping Levy's head into the ladder in a sickening fashion. Tank had trouble maintaining his balance through this, and he toppled over after stomping Levy's head.Following this, the Moore gets on the mic, insulting him. Levy is sitting up, and Moore gives him a stiff kick in the chest. He then kicks him several more times, and telling him to "learn to sell," in his expletive-laden tirade. The 400-pounder then gets on the mic and tells him in his thick Southern drawl to go back to North Carolina, and to never come back to their parts again.Too add insult to injury, even Ian Rotten's young son, who appears to be 12-years-old, gets involved in the beatdown. The child can even be seen asking "daddy" if its alright to hit him. Levy, who is now outside the ring, gives the grounded Levy with a few stiff shots with a Kendo Stick. Moore follows this up by hitting Levy with a chair. While Levy is down, the child kicks him in the back of the head.Ian Rotten then gets on the mic and says, "Unlike you, she has a career you dip****. Unlike you, she's going to ******g national TV on Monday." He then kicks him in the head and tells him to "stay the **** down." He also adds, "I told you to stay the **** down. Don't you ****** move. You move and I'll rip your ****** nuts off and feed 'em too yah." Rotten then gives the okay for apparently a fan to hit Levy over the head with a weapon, which breaks upon impact.Rotten's spiel is not over, as he brings Mickie Knuckles over. Holding his arm over Knuckles, Rotten says, "Look at this. Look up at me you dumb mother******. Look at your knot on her head. She's got to go to national television, cause you don't know how to f***** work with that on her head. You f***** no-good c***-******* son of a b*****." It should be noted that Knuckles likely gave the bump on her head to herself. During one sequence in the match, Knuckles gets incensed and gives Levy a repeated number of vicious headbutts.The beatdown is still not over. Rotten kicks him in the head following his tirade and the child throws something at Levy. An apparent wrestler in plaid shorts (it's hard to tell, as some of them look like members of the audience) gives Levy a really sloppy suplex on top of some debris. Rotten gets on the mic again, and says, "This is a message to anybody who wants to f*** with us. I told everybody yesterday, you f*** with one of us, you f*** with all of us. You're a f****** outsider b**** and don't you ever forget it Internet Sensation." Rotten then mutters, "It's over," and finally leaves.In the background, you could hear a fan say, "This is one of the greatest moments of my entire life."

Yes, the fan got to watch a wrestler get hazed. It was the greatest moment of his life. I present this without comment.

While I've hated the average Cub fan for the past few years, I'm man enough to know when a talented team is rolling. And the Cubbies deserved to get the sweep. Ted Lilly outpitched Sabathia for fucks sake.

But the fucking Cardinals are back in the Wild Card lead. Really. The Cubs kicked so much ass that the Tony LaRussa led batch of scrubs and assholes are back in the playoff lead. I know, right?

But yeah, suicidal tendencies in a blogger are unbecoming. I get it. The Cubs are good, and the Brewers played like shit this time around. but you know what? The Brewers have 27 games in August. 22 are against teams under .500. This series was a bust and Brewers fan is going to have to eat crow.

But the Brewers are far from dead. Sabathia and Sheets go again this weekend. Redemption is only three games away.

The Crew shall return. This has been a crazy race, and we'll be in it to the end.

I have to say that I am most certainly baffled by this turn of events.

I'll update this post. Watch this space.

Manny Ramirez has been traded to the Dodgers in a three-team blockbuster pending the approval of the commissioner's office, according to a source with knowledge of the deal. Pirates outfielder Jason Bay is headed to the Red Sox. The Pirates will receive Andy LaRoche and right-hander Bryan Morris from the Dodgers and outfielder Damien [sic] Moss and releiver Craig Hansen from the Red Sox. The Red Sox will pay all of the approximately $7 million remaining on Ramirez's contract.The Pirates made some solid upper level prospects in this deal. Craig Hansen can be a closer if he gets his head back on right. Bryan Morris is crushing in the lower level. Andy LaRoche, has the potential to be a very good third baseman. And Brandon Moss? Has a high-level of doubles and a 108 OPS+ in his limited major league career.

The Red Sox in getting Jason Bay get a sane level of equality in terms of overall game with Manny, plus control for another year. Even if they give up two good prospects to do it.

The Dodgers? They may just get the NL West if Jeff Kent and Larry Bowa don't kill him first.

The D-Rays went out and got themselves a pretty good power bat in former Pittsburgh Pirate Jason Bay. Apparently. And they didn't overpay. Reid Brignac is a solid defender, but an OPS of .728 in AAA means Jack Wilson could be a better player at this moment. Jeff Niemann is 6'9" and would go into the Pirates rotation instantly.

On a smaller scale, it's like the Brewers trading for legitimacy. Jason Bay is 30 homer power. Jason Bay is protection for Longoria and runs for Upton. And in a world where the Yankees got better for cheap. It was a deal the Rays had to make.

And it will likely work out.

Or not...MLB.com's contradicting itself. Brignac may not be available.

Now, I was ready to write something about how you traded your two top pitching prospects and a Mark Kotsay clone for Nick Swisher and go and trade him back to his original team for Huston Street. That was a real rumor today.

But it seems as if the White Sox want to go back in time. They traded two mediocre prospects for Griffey. And apparently they want him to play Center Field. Which, despite the fact that they traded for him cheaply, is a really bad idea. Because he can't handle right field anymore.

Also, he's no upgrade over Nick Swisher, who is in the middle of a season playing Nick Swisher baseball. Low average, good power, great batting eye, looking stoned half the time. I'd go for the picture, but I'm lazy right now.

Unless it moves Paulie Konerko to the bench, this is a deal I just do not get. I may not be smart enough I guess.

What the hell is that Detroit? You're selling? You're giving up a still decent Pudge for a mediocre pitcher who throws hard? Isn't Fernando Rodney good enough for you?

I mean, really. I can't understand the Tigers logic on this deal. Kyle Farnsworth is only good when he's being portrayed by one of The Dugout. Yeah, he's better this year, but he's still not the dude who's capable of 100 strikeouts in the pen. He's pitching like he did in 2006. It's not good trade for Detroit.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

It has been a busy day. Things have happened. Shenanigans and what have you. I was watching AWA live at a 1987 dive bar it was freaking awesome.

And you know what? I'll tell you what I think.

AOL Fanhouse loves breasts more than dignity: Now, I'm not going to say that I'm not unwilling to show pretty girls doing stuff. It happens. I'm a dude. The female form is pleasing to the eye.

However? I'm merely one man. My tag team partner has done it too. We haven't tried to portray ourselves as the preeminent news gathering organization in the Sports Blogosphere. We can still call ourselves amateur.

This is like taking Charles Gibson with Brenda Lynn Acevedo. Sure, it's flashier. Sure, everybody loves breasts. But when you come for class and decorum from the content. This is jarring, and not in a fun way.

The Mark Teixera trade: Teixera is awesome. He's going to rock Anaheim with power the likes of which Anaheim has never seen. But you know what? The Braves dumped salary. Casey Kotchman?

It is as if they got Lyle Overbay without the cult herodom. And that's a shame. The Braves of the 90's are dead. Bury them.

As for Anaheim? Well...

John Lackey is awesome: But you knew that already.

Ron Artest to Houston: I know it's PTBNL dependent, but the Rockets are soft. And adding a crazy motherfucker like Artest suddenly makes the Rockets-Spurs an almost guarantee for an embarrasing brawl. Which is awesome.

The tall dudes, the white guys. It's awesome. I shall finish this shit.

Sam Aiken WR New England Patriots: A once-proud sleeper, but let's be honest. He's a special teams gunner. He's good like that. But is he just here because the Belichick feels threatened?Aundrae Allison WR Minnesota Vikings: He's an awesome return man but his pass-catching skills are a redundancy in the Twin Cities.David Anderson WR Houston Texans: He's a special teamer with good enough skills to be a successful starter if ever he should get himself an opportunity. Andre Davis and Kevin Walter aren't exactly Cris Carter and Randy Moss.Devin Aromashodu WR Indianapolis Colts: His last name means "Smell of the Native" in Brazzaville.Adrian Arrington WR New Orleans Saints: Step One: Get drafted. Step two: Join the practice squad. Step 3: ???? Step 4: PROFIT!Miles Austin WR Dallas Cowboys: An ace returner who needs to spend about two months with the Jugs gun to be a stud receiver.Jason Avant WR Philadelphia Eagles: A shorter, slower Hank Baskett. It is what it is I guess.Donnie Avery WR St. Louis Rams: The Rams went a-reachin' because Donnie Avery is a speed burner. That shit's uncoachable.Dallas Baker WR Pittsburgh Steelers: Just hoping for the 5th spot. And 7th rounders can't be draft busts, so as a Florida alum, he's got that going for him.David Ball WR New York Jets: A footnote and a trivia answer. Jerry Rice lost his records to this schmuck.Reggie Ball WR Detroit Lions: Wow. They're trying to Antwaan Randle El any quarterback because of his blackness. His timed speed is like 4.7, right? Cut.Hank Baskett WR Philadelphia Eagles: A big build, good blocker, and the old rule is that year three is the breakout year. There's an opportunity for the man to emerge.Arnaz Battle WR San Francisco 49ers: Receivers go off for big years for inexplicable reasons. Arnaz Battle is the choice of Pro Football Prospectus. And it makes sense.Ron Bellamy WR Detroit Lions: A New Orleans native who's lower ranked on his own google page than a blogger. For real.Drew Bennett WR St. Louis Rams: Starter by default. White guy famous for three electric games with Billy Volek.Earl Bennett WR Chicago Bears: If he had success at Vanderbilt, I would not sleep on him having success with this melange of untalented skill players in Chi city.Bernard Berrian WR Minnesota Vikings: I shall call him Tecmo for when you drop back 20 yards and throw it up for grabs, Bernard Berrian is a Viking. Oh God.Taye Biddle WR Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Real Name? RaTavious. Too crowded for him to earn a job in Tampa.Jeremy Bloom WR Pittsburgh Steelers: Bode Miller laughs at the choices that he's made.Shaun Bodiford WR Green Bay Packers: Gifted returner, solid hands, no room in Green Bay.Anquan Boldin WR Arizona Cardinals: Anquan Boldin is playing for a new contract. Walk year players can be magical.Marty Booker WR Chicago Bears: He's a second banana. His skills are excellent in the second banana. But Greg Camarillo outplayed him last year. And he got to Brett Farve his way back to his home team.Dwayne Bowe WR Kansas City Chiefs: The only reason he might not be a success is because the other great rookie receiver that went to LSU fell off the cliff. But great hands and fearlessness mean he's supplanted Gonzalez as the #1 in KC.Mark Bradley WR Chicago Bears: Seems to have lost a step after the Torn ACL that went down durning his rookie year. A Chicago-style Brandon Jones.Deion Branch WR Seattle Seahawks: Tore his ACL in January. He can't exactly just drop back to pass Carson Palmer style. Maybe in November. Maybe.Steve Breaston WR Arizona Cardinals: An excellent return man. His skill position skill? Mediocre.John Broussard WR Jacksonville Jaguars: Blazing speed, but no room in the Ville means a return to the practice squad.Reggie Brown WR Philadelphia Eagles: If he doesn't go deep, he's kind of useless. About to fall into bust city.Isaac Bruce WR San Francisco 49ers: A venerable receiver. He still has the hands, but his speed is gone. If you think this reeks of a man who's gonna spend the end of his career playing awful in a strange uniform. You're savvy. It's Hakeem as a Raptor on a baby scale.Antonio Bryant WR Tampa Bay Buccaneers: He's still talented, but he's still got psychological problems. But the truly great bad starters got their shit together at 27. And Bryant has similar skills. Really.Nate Burleson WR Seattle Seahawks: He may never be a beloved starter. He will always be overpaid. But it may be time to get back in the market. Branch has a torn ACL and Bobby Engram is old enough to yell at clouds. Burleson may be passable by default.Plaxico Burress WR New York Giants: His 2007 eliminated a lot of noise from the haters. His 2008 has contract extension noise behind it. Plaxico has been mercurial, but he's got a year when it should benefit him materially from being awesome. So he's gonna rise up and kick a little ass.Keenan Burton WR St. Louis Rams: Good athlete, big leaper. Likely won't avoid getting hurt in camp.Andre Caldwell WR Cincinnati Bengals: Wheels and heart and good hands and an ability to fuck himself up, injury wise. But he won the genetic lottery unlike...Reche Caldwell WR St. Louis Rams: ...the eyes of a crackhead, inspiration for the "dumb" comedy writers on Studio 60 Brother Hubbard.Greg Camarillo WR Miami Dolphins: Literally, the next Wes Welker. They will call him gritty. Because they are lazy.Drew Carter WR Oakland Raiders: A huge Alvis Whitted.Jason Carter WR Carolina Panthers: A super-slash at Texas A&M, master of practice squads in the NFL.Tim Carter WR Houston Texans: The personification of every online poker pro. Someone in their mid-20's who will never reach their full potential.Chris Chambers WR San Diego Chargers: Will finally achieve his true potential in a full season as the deep threat/fade target at the goal line. He'll never be the ace. But #3 pass catchers need love too.Antonio Chatman WR Cincinnati Bengals: The drafting of three receivers means the Antonio Chatman is gonna have to take his brand of tiny and bad punt returning someplace else. MARIO URRUTIA IS TALL!Bam Childress WR Philadelphia Eagles: The best dog breeder in the NFL. I hope.Brian Clark WR Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Third string kick returner. Bring your playbook.Mark Clayton WR Baltimore Ravens: He fall off in the year that was supposed to be his breakout. And Cameron Cameron? He loves tall dudes who can block. Clayton's not a giant.Michael Clayton WR Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The truth can be adjusted. But the simple fact is that this tall dude's gone 40 games with only one score. Never mind the rookie bollocks.David Clowney WR New York Jets: The skills of a tough Todd Pinkston, but it's back to the practice squad for him.Keary Colbert WR Denver Broncos: The nightmare scenario for the Broncos fans is that this dude is THEIR #1 receiver.Laveranues Coles WR New York Jets: He's also been left out to dry by his supporting cast. He could play solidly, but this isn't a one man army thing. Him and Cotchery are the Dollar Tree House and Ocho Cinco.Marques Colston WR New Orleans Saints: Any questions that he had last year are gone. He's the #1 receiever and even though they do have the Shockey who will take looks, the #2 receiver situation is a mess.Terrance Copper WR New Orleans Saints: Is going to have to play leapfrog over several players to make his presence remain in New Orelans.Jemalle Cornelius WR Arizona Cardinals: The Don Cornelius of dudes you won't remember.Jerricho Cotchery WR New York Jets: He's an awesome receiver who will yet again be stuck on a shitty team. He'll get looks, but Alan Faneca isn't the final piece of the Jets Supprting cast puzzle.Patrick Crayton WR Dallas Cowboys: He did nothing wring during the season. He gets a shot at redemption and #2 receiverdom for your America's team. He'll be decent.Joshua Cribbs WR Cleveland Browns: He's awesome as a kick returner. If they decide to see if he can't be a Willie Beamon or a receiver? They will be pouring his tabasco to thickly.Ronald Curry WR Oakland Raiders: When healthy, he's actually pretty good. But he needs to be the DJ as he's not a #1 receiver.Kevin Curtis WR Philadelphia Eagles: Just because he's one-half of reversed expectations of a quarterback to his pass-catching ace does not mean racism does not exist, people! Also, he will do similar to last season.Devard Darling WR Kansas City Chiefs: He has good size and excellent speed. But he was awful in Baltimore. And it's not all the fault of bad quarterbackery.Andre Davis WR Houston Texans: He faded down the stretch last season. It's back to obscurity for the man. Really. He is no good.Chris Davis WR Tennessee Titans: Kenton Keith without the awesome ask KK page on his website. Or a 5'10" dude who's not great at returning kicks. Your call.Craig Davis WR San Diego Chargers: The Buster is looking to supplant Vincent Jackson as a starter. He has the skills to do it too. But he's a #3 receiver to start the year.Josh Davis WR Carolina Panthers: Needs a better name, this is why he won't stick.Rashied Davis WR Chicago Bears: Hey! It's a kick returner/gunner who can't handle being a receiver who's not Devin Hester. But he will make the Bears regret making Hester paid. Oh yes.Early Doucet WR Arizona Cardinals: Early Doucet is the heir apparent for the role of Anquan Boldin. They want him to achieve his initial post-season expectations. Keep him in the back of your mind.Harry Douglas WR Atlanta Falcons: Kind of has a skinny Greg Jennings vibe. Good hands, plays beyond his timed speed. Not a name for '08. Not yet anyway.Donald Driver WR Green Bay Packers: He lost his touchdown magic. Now he has to develop a rapport with the new guy. He could be lost in the shuffle. Let the homer have him.Biren Ealy WR Tennessee Titans: Guess how many playoff catches he has. Hint, it's not zero. Really. I'm still stunned at that fact.Braylon Edwards WR Cleveland Browns: Broke out into a captain of big-play awesomeness industry. Expect more of the same this year.Devale Ellis WR Detroit Lions: Hoping to achieve a Marques Colston experience by his collegiate osmosis.Bobby Engram WR Seattle Seahawks: Old posession receiver is old posesssion receiver. He's getting a starters looks...if he can beat out Ben Obomanu.Lee Evans WR Buffalo Bills: If you believe that James Hardy can join the Bowe/Colston/Clayton school, then I can guarantee he will reach Rock Flag and Eagle status.Jimmy Farris WR Washington Redskins: The fact that he's thirty and still trying to achieve his dream gives my lazy ass hope. PIPE DREAMS ARE FUN!Robert Ferguson WR Minnesota Vikings: Good special teams guy, will never achieve his draft day potential as a receiver. He was supposed to be good, you know?Yamon Figurs WR Baltimore Ravens: Day man to B.J. Sams Night Man. A master of kick return karate and friendship. For everyone.Joel Filani WR Seattle Seahawks: The only Texas Tech receiver worth a shot is Michael Crabtree. Or Wes Welker. Tall slow dude.Brian Finneran WR Atlanta Falcons: A shambling zombie tall white guy who suffers from crippling injuries when he is in camp. He has hands of glue. And feet of glue.Larry Fitzgerald WR Arizona Cardinals: Probably the safest choice of a superstar receiver. Warner just plain likes him better than Anquan. His second half of 2007 was white hot.Malcom Floyd WR San Diego Chargers: Tall and speedy. But probably better as a non-hitting rover on defense than anything else.Eric Fowler WR St. Louis Rams: Invited to camp as a favor to Melvin Fowler.Chris Francies WR Green Bay Packers: Showed nothing in his opportunites, comes into camp 7th on the Depth Chart.William Franklin WR Kansas City Chiefs: A size-speed prospect. He's like a simulated dude from Madden 2006.Mike Furrey WR Detroit Lions: It's back to obscurity with you, Yiff!Jabar Gaffney WR New England Patriots: Jabar Gaffney is a decent receiver in a situation where he can use his skills excellently. They want Chad Jackson to beat him out, but as a Plan B, they could do worse.Justin Gage WR Tennessee Titans: He makes the tough catches deep. Because he gets no separation and can't run fast. He has to. When he's open, he's like a dog chasing cars.Joey Galloway WR Tampa Bay Buccaneers: That season and a half that he missed because of holdouts and ACL's has done wonders for his career. He's in a position to succeed. But don't expect big bucks to go with it.Pierre Garcon WR Indianapolis Colts: Peter Boy.Michael Gasperson WR Philadelphia Eagles: HE'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THE HIGH OIL PRICES! GET HIM! OR NOT!Bryan Gilmore WR Seattle Seahawks: A 30 year-old special teamer is about to disappear into the ether. Say goodbye.Ted Ginn Jr. WR Miami Dolphins: Ted Ginn is superfast, and would provide the Dolphins starting 11 with a facet that they would really not have otherwise. However, he's not gonna be great this year even if he beats Hagan out.Terry Glenn WR Free Agent: If he stayed healthy and gave it his all? He could have been a Hall of Famer.Anthony Gonzalez WR Indianapolis Colts: It's year 3 and Marvin Harrision looks done. Even without the looks of a #2, he still might be a success.Skyler Green WR New Orleans Saints: Local boy just wants to beat out Lance Moore and return some kicks. No expectations for more here.D.J. Hackett WR Carolina Panthers: If he's healthy, he can use his physical gifts to be the #2 receiver in the Research triangle. He's tall and fast and young. Mushin's tall and slow and old.Derek Hagan WR Miami Dolphins: The good? He is a skilled posession receiver in Year 3. But suffice it to say that Ted Ginn will get every, and I mean every opportunity to take him down.Marques Hagans WR St. Louis Rams: An athletic African-American college quarterback converted to receiver? What is this?Dante Hall WR St. Louis Rams: The most obscure man to have a Gatorade commercial made for him. Football may be done with him.Roy Hall WR Indianapolis Colts: He's a Colt. If he gets time he's worth consideration. Seriously. He's dull in every facet. Should just move to tight end and be done with it.Cortez Hankton WR Tampa Bay Buccaneers: A lovable name even if his game is naked fat dude ugly.Chris Hannon WR Carolina Panthers: If you wash out of Kansas City? You deserve to be nothing more than camp fodder. James Hardy WR Buffalo Bills: Year 1? He's gonna catch 80% of his passes on the fade patterns. Scoring-heavy roto leagues may have a valid option here.Justin Harper WR Baltimore Ravens: This year's David Clowney. Tall Va. tech dude who has a high YPC average, and will likely end his rookie year on the jets practice squad.Marvin Harrison WR Indianapolis Colts: He's old. Coming off a severe injury. And he's going to face gun mishagoes. There are plenty of reasons to like Anthony Gonzalez to supplant Marvin Harrison.Mike Hass WR Chicago Bears: Tall dude, but 4.8 timed speed means he's going to have to hold on hard to his glory days in Corvallis.Lavelle Hawkins WR Tennessee Titans: Flashing any potential means he'll get some playing time.Devery Henderson WR New Orleans Saints: If he worked with the Jugs machine and developed his hands? He's got a shot at redemption as well as starting again. But for now he's strictly waiver wire.Marcus Henry WR New York Jets: He felt the magic of fat guy in a little coat. By the transitive properties, Marcus Henry has the power.Devin Hester WR Chicago Bears: The Browns have the right idea here. Players of amazing physical but raw receiver talent can do a lot more for an offense with the field position game than with various 5-10 plays on offense.Johnnie Lee Higgins WR Oakland Raiders: A poor man's Ted Ginn who looks like he'll get more time to develop. Never mind him this year.Efrem Hill WR Cleveland Browns: The best wikipedia profile for a camp body I've ever seen. Too slow and bad hands. STOP TYPING ON THE WIKIPEDIA!Jason Hill WR San Francisco 49ers: Physically gifted, but he has still not had the light turn on yet.Ike Hilliard WR Tampa Bay Buccaneers: As Florida draft busts go? He's actually not completely shitty. He's a passable #2 at age 32. Chris Doering can't do that.Domenik Hixon WR New York Giants: Came back from something that would shake the best of the best to get a ring for returning kicks for the Giants. 2008 may be the free fall on his roller coaster ride.Ryan Hoag WR Jacksonville Jaguars: Appearing on a Bachelor-based program is indicitave of the fact that your NFL Career is over.Jonathan Holland WR Oakland Raiders: He does not have a successful career as a midfielder for the Maltese National Team in his future.Santonio Holmes WR Pittsburgh Steelers: In 16 games, Santonio will score 10 times. Also, year 3 dude.Glenn Holt WR Cincinnati Bengals: A shifty returner with magic run after the catch skills. He may be the replacement for Chris Henry for the Bengals in 2008. He's taller than Antonio Chatman!Torry Holt WR St. Louis Rams: The new Marvin Harrison, now that the old one has shown a personality. Expect the scores to bounce back.Joe Horn WR Atlanta Falcons: The only people who think Joe Horn's not done is him and those in his five. GET IT?!?! Too cool to learn about his plays. He'll be cut for a white guy.T.J. Houshmandzadeh WR Cincinnati Bengals: Chad Johnson was supplanted in terms of Red Zone looks last year, and while Chad may get more yards, Housh may get the scores.Paul Hubbard WR Cleveland Browns: A leaper with good hands, even if he is injury prone. The Homerist in me roots for him.Felton Huggins WR Buffalo Bills: Obviously, it's an Alias. Felton? Felton?!?Sam Hurd WR Dallas Cowboys: He's a physically gifted tall guy whom the Cowboys want to make...THE LEAP.Chad Jackson WR New England Patriots: Injured most of his career, he's got minimal chance of achievement of anything besides a bust status by Rex Grossman logic.Darrell Jackson WR Denver Broncos: Reason #3 as to why the Broncos may have a nightmare scenario on their hands. He's still talented, but he's missed extended blocks of time in several seasons and was downright awful last year. The latter may be circumstance. But the former?DeSean Jackson WR Philadelphia Eagles: The expectation is as a version of the Miami Moss Brethren. The hope is Santana, the execution may be Sinorice.Dexter Jackson WR Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Remarkably far away from signing a deal with Tampa. The Dreams of Devin Hesterdom may be deferred.Vincent Jackson WR San Diego Chargers: Don't pay for his playoff awesomeness. He was the only healthy dude the Bolts had at a skill position.Taylor Jacobs WR Denver Broncos: Florida receiving draft bust. Will fight Jacquez Green to do Local Telecasts of SEC Games.Drisan James WR Oakland Raiders: He was the hook in the greatest hook and ladder play in college football. That means he'll never have to buy a drink in Boise.Dwayne Jarrett WR Carolina Panthers: He's done so much to prove that he's not gonna be a draft bust. And by that I mean he's been useless.Mike Jefferson WR Dallas Cowboys: Is looking to replace Miles Austin as the return man with tantalizing potential.Justin Jenkins WR Buffalo Bills: He's the arch-duke of marginally above-average. A 5th wideout hopeful. So there's that. Michael Jenkins WR Atlanta Falcons: Kind of lost in the shuffle. Starts as a #3 receiver.Adam Jennings WR Atlanta Falcons: Speedy spread receiver type. Power running game from Mike Mularkey bodes well for his ass getting cut.Greg Jennings WR Green Bay Packers: He's a playmaker. He's a scorer. But he will miss 2-3 games per year with his gimpy ankle.Michael Jennings WR New York Giants: Does the speed demon lose a step after he popped his achilles? Andre Johnson WR Houston Texans: If he's a healthy Andre Johnson, he's a bad ass Andre Johnson. He'll make Matt Schaub awesome.Bryant Johnson WR San Francisco 49ers: The problem is that Mike Martz is gay for Route-Running. Johnson isn't great at it. He can play, but Martz may keep him as a good #3.Calvin Johnson WR Detroit Lions: He's still built like a cyborg. He's got the physical gifts to bring about change in the motor city. He's still got two years before the bust questions emerge.Chad Johnson WR Cincinnati Bengals: He's disgruntled. He has an ankle injury. Carson fell in love with the Houshmanzahdeh.Jaymar Johnson WR Minnesota Vikings: He's a great athlete. He'll contribute return skills. But he's without seasoning.Steve Johnson WR Buffalo Bills: Loves unicorns and sparkles. Hates route-running.Brandon Jones WR Tennessee Titans: If he's ever healthy for a full season, he's got #1 receiver skills. A Southern-fried Mark Bradley.C.J. Jones WR New England Patriots: Cousin of Anquan Boldin who's looking to get in on the gravy train of New England making anybody awesome. He can kick return with some skill.Jacoby Jones WR Houston Texans: He had awesome physical gifts who's a pretty good returner. The opportunity is there for Good Ol' Double J to make moves. Andre Davis and Kevin Walter are not murders row.Jamal Jones WR Philadelphia Eagles: Some may say that this is Jamal's farewell ride.James Jones WR Green Bay Packers: The last rookie WR Ted Thompson picked to show flashes of talent coming out of nowhere only to disappear in the second half was Greg Jennings. And now, James Jones may follow that same path.Mark Jones WR San Diego Chargers: 17th-seeded on the Mark Jones wikipedia page.Matt Jones WR Jacksonville Jaguars: He's a giant walking cliched draft bust. CIA Director Gates says Winners Don't Use Drugs!Onrea Jones WR Indianapolis Colts: The Hampton-Newport News area in Virginia is a breeding ground for hyper-athletic football players. And you know what? It's not just in High School either.Joe Jurevicius WR Cleveland Browns: His strength is mighty enough that the fact his knees are merely spaghetti. That is, if he ever could get back on the field. Ready yourself for T-Money.Kevin Kasper WR Cleveland Browns: Sleeper if you believe in the fact that a white dude can come out of nowhere to string some games together. The Browns staff likes him.Malcolm Kelly WR Washington Redskins: There's opportunity for him to pull off a Marc Boerighter-Reggie Williams low yards high scores season. He's got that sort of skill.Jordan Kent WR Seattle Seahawks: He's the go long and I'll fake it to you decoy.David Kircus WR Miami Dolphins: The Division II answer to Kellen Winslow in the magical Finnerty to Kircus combination. Wife-beater.Ashley Lelie WR San Francisco 49ers: Never did learn that second pass route.Greg Lewis WR Philadelphia Eagles: Good for one inexplicably good game per year.Brandon Lloyd WR Chicago Bears: Outside of the occasional highlight film grab? He's not much more than a Freddie Mitchell for the super-rich. Marcus Monk may beat him out.Brandon London WR New York Giants: He's a coaches son. He's got height and good hands. He's pretty gritty. Guess what the color of his skin is? The answer...might surprise you.Dane Looker WR St. Louis Rams: Rooting hard for the speedy reach to struggle at being a real receiver. Than it will be Dane's time to shine!Chad Lucas WR Tampa Bay Buccaneers: One of many who has to look at a Week 17 and say this was my cup of coffee. This was where I shined.Maurice Mann WR Washington Redskins: Voted most likely to return to Canada by the Dan Steinberg. High praise...if you like the CFL.Mario Manningham WR New York Giants: Drafting collegiate character risks has a tendency to not work. But in this instance? If he gets his head rightish, he'll be a solid pro starter. Crazy works when you catch passes.Brandon Marshall WR Denver Broncos: Reason's #1 and #2 for the nightmare scenario in Denver. He is an awesome player when healthy. But he's still got the severe arm injury. And the tendencies to get buckwild. He may miss 4-8 weeks.Timon Marshall WR Kansas City Chiefs: Pumba Jenkins misses his wingman.Ruvell Martin WR Green Bay Packers: The best 5th Receiver in Football. Flat out and pure.Glenn Martinez WR Denver Broncos: The smaller aspect of the Broncos nightmare scenario. Injuries could force a return of Glenn Martinez: Third receiver. Dun dun dunnh.Derrick Mason WR Baltimore Ravens: Good posession receivers can last forever. But they're not scoring threats. Mase is not the man.Marcus Maxwell WR Cincinnati Bengals: A tall dude who had a big year in NFL Europe before it closed. But three draft picks at his position equal cut.Scott Mayle WR Buffalo Bills: His hands are good, but that may not be enough to fight through the ballast.Justin McCareins WR Tennessee Titans: Just dropped the compliment I was going to toss his way.LeRon McCoy WR Houston Texans: Looking to make a team after a two-year hiatus.Marquay McDaniel WR Denver Broncos: A badass for the Hampton Pirates. May not make it through camp.Shaun McDonald WR Detroit Lions: He'll always have last year. He was magical last year. Now it's back to his previous level of back-up career performances.Chris McFoy WR Oakland Raiders: One-half of the real-life inspiration for the McPoyles of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. See kids? Libel can be fun!Kevin McMahan WR Kansas City Chiefs: Hey look, it's the second Mr. Irrelevant I've mentioned here. Guess the other one?Billy McMullen WR Washington Redskins: He's a tall slow dude of no importance. Name leads people to think he's white.Robert Meachem WR New Orleans Saints: After year one, he finds himself ranked at about 75% of a Busta.Ahmad Merritt WR Arizona Cardinals: The Steve Breaston understudy.Brandon Middleton WR Detroit Lions: Could be passable in a Wes Welker role, but he'll never make a team out of camp. I mean, Detroit has no room for him.Anthony Mix WR Washington Redskins: Tall, skinny dude who won't be in Washington by first cuts.Marcus Monk WR Chicago Bears: He's a 6'4" receiver from a run-dominant college football team. He has some nice gifts. He'll make love to someones practice squad.Kenneth Moore WR Detroit Lions: It's a mess at returner, but he can find his way into a job with some success this year.Lance Moore WR New Orleans Saints: 5th receiver. Possession receiver. Sounds like a lady when he's walking in a room.Sean Morey WR Arizona Cardinals: His special teams bonafides are good. But he cut.Josh Morgan WR San Francisco 49ers: Needs to be less of a dick if he's gonna be the speedy back-up special teamer.Randy Moss WR New England Patriots: Is obviously expected to have another big year again. Probably not 23 scores good, but maybe he gets past 15 again.Santana Moss WR Washington Redskins: When there's no expectations he surpasses them. But when he's got to be "the man" his hammy blows up the spot.Sinorice Moss WR New York Giants: Was supposed to be his brother, but has failed to even do that in the return game.Muhsin Muhammad WR Carolina Panthers: A wide receiver with a lot of mileage on his legs. Don't expect yet another rally for his skills. Also, on the terrorist watch list. Sad fact of this Post 9/11 world.Martin Nance WR Minnesota Vikings: A Dollar Tree Justin Gage.Jordy Nelson WR Green Bay Packers: A shifty receiver. Some call him Brandon Stokely. But he's too not injury prone. Also. I'm not lazy. He's like James Jones.Dennis Northcutt WR Jacksonville Jaguars: An experienced punt returner. He's not much of a receiver.Ben Obomanu WR Seattle Seahawks: He came with a good performance when Branch tore his ACL. He may get his shot at glory this year.Kassim Osgood WR San Diego Chargers: The fabulous special teamer with the funny name. Actually is related to CBS Sunday Morning host Charles Osgood. Can be so much more than this in his opinion.Terrell Owens WR Dallas Cowboys: Is he old? Yes. Do hipsters taunt him with "Needy Girl?" Yes. But he's becoming a deep threat in his old age. That's rare stuff, man.Samie Parker WR Denver Broncos: Going, going, gone goodbye. Samie Parker is a joke.Roscoe Parrish WR Buffalo Bills: Has the white hot return explosiveness of an 8th grade boy. Not much more than a slot receiver on offense.David Patten WR New Orleans Saints: Epic failed his last season where he had expectations to produce. Devery is still younger and faster.Logan Payne WR Seattle Seahawks: An edgy 1990's Superhero.Jerry Porter WR Jacksonville Jaguars: He's forever tantalizing. But he's also already injured. I mean really. If he didn't have an 8-pack, he'd get cut.Jerard Rabb WR San Francisco 49ers: The ladder of the greatest hook and ladder of all time in college football. BOISE STATE FOOTBALL RULES!Antwaan Randle El WR Washington Redskins: Still more returner than receiver. Never has had more than 3 scores in a season as a pass catcher.Jamaica Rector WR Arizona Cardinals: He has decent speed, but he definitely has no room at the in with the Buzzsaw.Josh Reed WR Buffalo Bills: Blocker. Slot receiver. Any more expectations and he's ripped apart like so much tissue paper.Kerry Reed WR Baltimore Ravens: If he couldn't make it in Miami last year, why even bother with him?Willie Reid WR Pittsburgh Steelers: What do you say...when you're drafted to kick return...and you cannot hang onto the ball?Sidney Rice WR Minnesota Vikings: Had a month where he was able to let his talent soar. Like Berrian, he's a tall dude at his best when he can go deep. But amidst the injuries he does have rapport with Tavaris.Brandon Rideau WR Chicago Bears: The Kansas alum fits the Green Bay Packers model. Quick, tall, and shifty. Dante Ridgeway WR New Orleans Saints: He may already be cut as I type this. He was kind of a badass in college.Kevin Robinson WR Kansas City Chiefs: His College All-Star Game tells you yes. But his 4.74 Combine time tells you no.Laurent Robinson WR Atlanta Falcons: He supplanted Michael Jenkins in mini-camps as the #2 receiver. He is at the level of one week plug and play.Ryne Robinson WR Carolina Panthers: The want him to be Roscoe Parrish. He has offense productivity however.Courtney Roby WR Indianapolis Colts: Related to Reggie Roby. 27 million times less awesome than him too. I wish Reggie was still punting. Even though he's dead.Eddie Royal WR Denver Broncos: He's superfast. Legitimate sprinters speed. He is fated as a returner of kicks.Cliff Russell WR Denver Broncos: On his fifth team. Likely he's gonna be on his sixth team. Soon enough.Steve Sanders WR Cleveland Browns: Ian Ziering. Nothing if not subtle.Chaz Schilens WR Oakland Raiders: Physically? He's a rich man's Brett Swain. I hope Chazray enjoys the practice squad.Trent Shelton WR Seattle Seahawks: Trent Shelton terrorized kids in the Greater Little Rock area with his bullying shenanigans. The hazing is a nice twist.Edell Shepherd WR Denver Broncos: A torn ACL means he will not get cut! Yay!Arman Shields WR Oakland Raiders: Sub 4.3 speed is sub 4.3 speed. Whoo!Mark Simmons WR Houston Texans: 1-14 is and forever shall be his career total.Jerome Simpson WR Cincinnati Bengals: He's trying to turn himself into another James Jones type. But it's a morass in the back-up's in the Bengals. Of all of them, he is one of them.Bobby Sippio WR Kansas City Chiefs: The new Troy Brown? Psyche. Man to man on Hunkie Cooper is essentially meaningless.Matthew Slater WR New England Patriots: The new Troy Brown? And I'm not joking about this. Returner who's got experience on both sides of the ball.Brad Smith WR New York Jets: A solid batch of versatility and run skills who may be taking a real receiving role with McCariens dropping passes in Tennessee.Marcus Smith WR Baltimore Ravens: Tall, and hyperproductive in college. As a Raven, he will be forced to attempt to play above his head.Shaine Smith WR St. Louis Rams: Attempting to move away from Carmazzi, on the scale of Hofstra's alumni success in the NFL.Steve Smith WR New York Giants: Good at finding the zones and seams in a defenses set-up. Will replace Toomer soon enough.Steve Smith WR Carolina Panthers: Needs reigonal chicken commercial partner Jake Delhomme to be healthy for him to be deadly.Micheal Spurlock WR Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Michael Spurlock is an African-American who quarterbacked in college. Two fun trivia facts. He replaced Eli Manning at quarterback for Ole Miss. He has Tampa Bay's only kickoff return for a touchdown.Donte' Stallworth WR Cleveland Browns: You know what he can do. Very fast. Tallish. Injury-prone. But as a #2 reciever, he's kind of awesome when he's healthy.Isaiah Stanback WR Dallas Cowboys: Trying to work his way to Brad Smith status. He's got great athleticism and no ill effects from his college Lisfranc injury. Those things are deadly.John Standeford WR Detroit Lions: Has more championships than Barry Sanders.Derek Stanley WR St. Louis Rams: Warhawks don't ever back down.Syndric Steptoe WR Cleveland Browns: The Nightman to B.J. Sams' Dayman.Brandon Stokley WR Denver Broncos: Reason #4 for the nightmare scenario. He's a great #3 receiver. And he can be worthy of a fantastical roster spot when healthy. However? The Dugout is planning a Football Guys where Brandon goes through a series of comical injurious pratfalls.Maurice Stovall WR Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The young man of the team...he does have trust around the goal line that Michael Clayton just doesn't have.Chansi Stuckey WR New York Jets: Impressed in camp before he got put on injured reserve.Brett Swain WR Green Bay Packers: Ted Thompson can pull good receivers out of his ass. The thing about Swain? Some other team's gonna claim him.Limas Sweed WR Pittsburgh Steelers: He's tall. Roethlisberger likes tall dudes. FOLKS! Seriously, he's multi-talented if he doesn't keep getting dinged up. I mean he's a rookie. It could go Chad Jackson or Greg Jennings.Courtney Taylor WR Seattle Seahawks: A cheap D.J. Hackett clone.Travis Taylor WR Carolina Panthers: Move along, he's a Florida receiver draft bust. Nothing you haven't seen before. And he's not gonna Ike Hilliard his shit either.Devin Thomas WR Washington Redskins: Not to be a member of the hater nation, but the highlight of his career is beating Matt Forte in the Madden Rookie Bowl. He may not make it in this world.Marco Thomas WR San Diego Chargers: 4 teams in two years means he has a leather ass to go with his...no. Not even gonna finish this one.Dominique Thompson WR Carolina Panthers: You wish your mustache was fly like his.Craphonso Thorpe WR New York Giants: He has been waived by six teams. You can tell me how he's gonna do.James Thrash WR Washington Redskins: Special teams ace who may find his career over by the time of his first cutdown.Burl Toler WR Washington Redskins: Of course he went to Berkely. With a name like Burl he has to be a child of hippies.Amani Toomer WR New York Giants: Solid posession receiver who will be a stealthy beneficiary of the Shockey trade.David Tyree WR New York Giants: Special teams player who had one shining moment. But the Super Bowl hero could become cut by the end of camp. That's crazy.Jerheme Urban WR Arizona Cardinals: The Karl Urban of street free agents. PATHFINDER! On the real? Averaged 80 yards per start last year.Mario Urrutia WR Cincinnati Bengals: My choice for the inexplicable sleeper of 2008. He's tall. He's got the 7th round pick stigma. He's kind of slow. Tall kind of slow dudes are the rookie sleepers of receiverdom.Bobby Wade WR Minnesota Vikings: #3 receiver and one of the reasons why your offense may be in trouble if Jeff Foxworthy told jokes about fantasy football. Will not set new career highs.Gerran Walker WR Pittsburgh Steelers: If a dude's short and you haven't heard of him, the expectation is that he's a speedy camp body. Gerran is 5'9."Javon Walker WR Oakland Raiders: An injury-prone character risk. He's talented if he's healthy, but he's over 30 and he keeps flashing his roll where bad man can get bad ideas.Mike Walker WR Jacksonville Jaguars: His potential is flashy, and yet? Inconsistent. It's a Jaguar trait.Kevin Walter WR Houston Texans: 65-800-5 is about as high as his ceiling will travel.Hines Ward WR Pittsburgh Steelers: Hey! Did you hear he was an Asian? No! Well he is! He's consistent and clutch. He could still be relevant by the turn of the new decade.Paris Warren WR Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Watch him in camp. He was awesome last year. He does it again, and he could be making Michael Clayton disappear.Kelley Washington WR New England Patriots: The second best #5 receiver in the NFL. Special teams ace as well.Nate Washington WR Pittsburgh Steelers: One who if given an opportunity for success, could do a lot with it.Todd Watkins WR Oakland Raiders: From BYU. That means he's a white guy! Likely cut! Yay!Reggie Wayne WR Indianapolis Colts: He's a modern day Torry Holt. He's not brash. He's not loud. He's just consistently good.Jeff Webb WR Kansas City Chiefs: He's shown flashes of brilliance for two years now. Also, he has to beat Devard Darling. Am I saying he's got sleeper possibilities? Damn right I am.Eric Weems WR Atlanta Falcons: A younger, no photo available, version of Chandler Williams.Wes Welker WR New England Patriots: He's a scrappy white guy who, if you want to ape Pro Football Prospectus, compares favorably to Terrence Mathis. Who's not white. Probably will get 90 receptions again.Roddy White WR Atlanta Falcons: Broke out through the fire and flames of the dystopian nightmare that was 2007. So long as Chris Redman starts, you can trust that Roddy White can be a valid player.Ernest Wilford WR Miami Dolphins: He's a posession receiver. Mediocre. Slow. But if the Fins get to the Red Zone? It's his baby.Brandon Williams WR St. Louis Rams: His skills are most heavily versed in his return game. And that's why some Arena tean will love him.Chandler Williams WR Atlanta Falcons: Living on the practcie squad. Looks like an emaciated Vince Young. Two black people look alike? NO!Demetrius Williams WR Baltimore Ravens: Everybody's 15th Round Roto sleeper. Obvious sleeper is obvious disappointment.Harry Williams WR Houston Texans: He has kick returning skills. But unless Jacoby Jones makes...THE LEAP? His skills are redundant and back to the practice squad with him.Mike Williams WR Tennessee Titans: It's a USC receiver. Did he spent his year off learning about the sheer joy that is the crucnhy Chee-to? Probably. I know I did.Paul Williams WR Tennessee Titans: The Titans have no Temptation in keeping him around. FOLKS!Reggie Williams WR Jacksonville Jaguars: David Garrard's favorite goal-line threat. Seriously, he got 11 scores last year. Jerry Porter can't do shit to stop it.Roy Williams WR Detroit Lions: Note to self. Roy Williams is flaky. He is going to bust his ass to get paid. I personally am waiting for the weird shit that Roy Williams is going to try and buy after his new contract.Roydell Williams WR Tennessee Titans: Or as I like to call him, mediocre Roy Williams. It's like adding Democratic to a People's Republic, the dell is I tell ya. I am unfunny.Troy Williamson WR Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jaguars collect first round receiver draft busts like a fat man collects cake. Williamson is the latest. Get some hands, buddy roe.Matt Willis WR Baltimore Ravens: Raw talent is meaning for the practice squad.Travis Wilson WR Cleveland Browns: Oklahoma, in terms of receivers with professional success, has a great chance of being the Y-Generation's Florida. T-Money may add to the legacy. He's a winner!D'Juan Woods WR Jacksonville Jaguars: Remember how awesome Rashaun Woods did as a pro? Meet the cheap knock off!Wallace Wright WR New York Jets: Special teams is what keeps this man from being called a nerd. Wallace has a mangina.Dominique Zeigler WR San Francisco 49ers: Baylor alumnus. Obvious girls name leads to obvious hazing.

Well. I hope you learned something here. You get the good, the bad, the ugly, and the already cut. You can't hate on this.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Green Bay is Titletown USA. It's a part of the agreement that the Packers had with the Cowboys. The Cowboys got Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith and the rights to being called America's Team for the rights to being called Titletown USA. I know, kind of lopsided. But this was in the Pre-Ron Wolf era.

ANYWAY, as I was watching my AWA Wrestling, I found myself innundated by these commercials for Titletown USA. And I was perplexed. After all? Green Bay is Titletown. And didn't I offer them a quick and easy fix for last year's Summer filler?

So, I had to wait. And I had to hope. They would come to their senses, right? Wrong.

For years, it’s been called Winnersville. Now, the south Georgia town ofValdosta has another name: TitleTown USA, thanks to ESPN.

The cable sports network is coming to Valdosta today to declare Valdosta the winner of its summer promotion that earlier this month featured the city as one of its 20finalists for the national award.

Other cities in the running ranged from small town to metropolitan city. It included Boston; Green Bay, Wisc.; and Williamsport, Pa. The only other cities driven mostly by its high school sports tradition was Massillon, Ohio., and Parkersburg, W.V.

The cities were encouraged to offer evidence of championships at all levels and sports.

What the Hell? Tarnishing our hard-earned nickname for a city smaller than Eau Claire? Really? Haven't we given you all the news you needed by the Brett Favredrama?

I'm annoyed. Valdosta has a good high school football team and Mummeball. They only have 8 national championships. Eight! Green Bay has 14! I know it's a stupid contest and I'll feel better tomorrow, but for fucks sake! NORBY TARNISHED OUR NICKNAME FOR VALDOSTA FREAKING GEORGIA!

*looks at comments*

Cody says...

id just like to say that ur ignorant for statin that bret favre doesnt deserve to have time takin away from talkin about himself i say hes a good ball player but screw him VALDOSTA is the winningest football team in the nation anddeserves this its about time one of the favorite states werent payed to becrowned title town we won it and dont even have a PRO team so all i can say issend ur team on in to valdosta and we will see who comes out smilin

Thank you stereotype Southerner. I think I'm gonna get through this okay. YAY!

We all know that the Trade Deadline Blows because certain somebodys just had to take the big names off the table by deadline day. So when I hear this rumor, I think to myself, my god, this is sad. Why? Because the Tampa Bay Devil Rays are interested in Randy Winn.

And that may be the biggest name to switch spots on deadline day.

A guy, who may be traded for Justin Ruggiano, is the biggest piece of sex appeal.

Really baseball? Really. This is what you get for not having a midnight trade deadline. Thanks Budward!

There is a certain tendency to praise normal human behavior as something amazing. Those avid readers of the Onion know the satirical story of how everybody was amazed that Ray Allen exhibited normal human behavior. Now? Everybody is amazed that Josh Hamilton stopped being sick, found Jesus, and tapped into his prodigious talent.

The sycophantry is well, sick. But I'm okay with it. Really.

Because there's a 57-48 team in the National League. Their four healthy starters are currently a disgraced closer, a disgraced Cub, a pitcher who had the modern-day Jody Reed offseason (lost about 6-8 million from expectations), and Joel Pineiro. Pineiro sucks. The BLooper sucks. Todd Wellenmeyer is currently pitching through pain. But Kyle Lohse is crafty and good. In fairness? They have three potential starters on the DL, and that's not counting Mark Mulder.

And you know what? Throw in Ryan Ludwick and Aaron Miles. They're kind of being good out of nowhere. And the bullpen making the 1996 Seattle Mariners look awesome. It's smoke and mirrors. And you know what?

Nobody gives a shit.

Why? Because Tony LaRussa is the manager. And he has the personality of the one-dimensonal abrasive who plays by the book that he's written. If he had no personality, he'd be in front for manager of the year.

But he's a dick. And that's why we've got no love for the job that he's done.

If the Indianapolis Colts decide to keep him? He will be the best back-up quarterback that they have had in the Peyton Manning era. I am being completely honest here.

Because unlike the Packers, who have had a veritable coterie of NFL starters come and go since Brett Favre got rolling. Or a normal team with a stud quarterback, who has the talent level of the back-up ebb and flow. (The Patriots went from Bledsoe to Damon Huard to Rohan Davey to Flutie to Cassell for the crux of the Tom Brady era, as an example.) The Colts have been playing with fire as an insurance policy to Peyton Manning.

Now, we know Kelly Holcomb was able to shine in Cleveland and be passable in other locations. But he was merely a street urchin asking for more when he was a Colt. And you know what? They had a veteran quarterback who wasn't going to do shit in Steve Walsh. And you know what else?

The Colts have been playing on the edge of disaster ever since.

2001: Kelly Holcomb moved on to Cleveland. So who did the Colts pick as a replacement? A 39-year old Mark Rypien. He had not been on an NFL roster since 1997. 2002: Cory Sauter. His second tour with Indy. His fifth place of employment in five years. Peyton Manning came through on every down. Cory Sauter? Disappeared for 6 years.2003: The Huard family is like the inbred version of the Manning family, and as for 2003? The Back-up in Indy was the lovable drunken pushover. Brock Huard's last in-game experience came in a week 17. He's now a roving football color commentator. Last seen during pop warner games.

And 2004 started an irrational love affair. Now, truth be told, I'm a Wisconsin boy. And Jim Sorgi was there for one of the greatest moments in Badger history. But with a 27-19 career TD-INT ratio, and a 7-10 career starting record Badger fans were shocked that he even got drafted.

And when he's playing a team that has something to play for? He's useless. You have to think that the Colts looked at Manning's knee and finally woke up to the dangerous game they've been playing. And while Jared Lorenzen has the novelty value of fatness...

Quinn Gray has skills to pay the bills. He may be the football playing equivalent of a Ryan Ludwick or a Jack Cust, but if there's real issue with Manning's knee? He'll save the day.

Of course, it would probably be Sorgi, Lorenzen and Josh Betts if Manning falls into the zone of mystery or something.

Let's be honest. There's 3 here with Sex Appeal. 6 good players. And yet? There are many here worth your time if you're not into the Roto's.

Zac Alcorn TE Seattle Seahawks He's gonna be shunted back to the Black Hills by mid-August. So he can suck it.Michael Allan TE Kansas City Chiefs: Daniel Whitworth III will pay 1 Billion Dollars if he gets a roster slot.Courtney Anderson TE Buffalo Bills: Trying to achieve the dream of redemption. And rally himself back. Back to mediocrity!Richard Angulo TE Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jaguars 4th tight end.Billy Bajema TE San Francisco 49ers: Long-snapper/B-Western Villain.Chris Baker TE New York Jets: His logic is flawed. Act immature and you're gonna get paid? All he's gonna get is a chance to bever play again.Gary Barnidge TE Carolina Panthers: Improving his blocking to metaphorically punch Dante Rosario in the face.Anthony Becht TE St. Louis Rams: A blocker of massive skill who won't get more arrests than touchdowns in St. Louis.Martellus Bennett TE Dallas Cowboys: If he's successful, he has a Gilbert Arenas way about him, so he'll be popular to everybody he doesn't insult.Adam Bergen TE Baltimore Ravens: The illegitimate son of Murphy Brown.Troy Bienemann TE Arizona Cardinals: He's gonna get cut like he's a 14 year-old goth girl. See what I did there?Dwayne Blakley TE Tennessee Titans: Revenge for losing Ben Hartsock. Seriously.Kevin Boss TE New York Giants: Answers the age-old question from the "What a Country!" sitcom era. And he's a solid pass-catcher. Blocking? Eeeeh.Cody Boyd TE Pittsburgh Steelers: One career preseason reception.Mark Bruener TE Houston Texans: Blocker. Won't catch many passes.Dan Campbell TE Detroit Lions: A decent blocker, but he's old and he missed a long time last year with a bad back.Mark Campbell TE New Orleans Saints: Jeremy Shockey gets him cut.John Carlson TE Seattle Seahawks: He's pretty much game ready. But gritty in the NFL equals a slow white guy. He can block well, though.Brent Celek TE Philadelphia Eagles: Emerging as a gritty transitional replacement for L.J. Smith.Scott Chandler TE San Diego Chargers: Kind of under-the-radar after doing nothing last year, but he's a big target with softer hands than Malemaleuna.Brad Cieslak TE Cleveland Browns: Filled out the Browns practice squad last year. Camp body barring disaster.Dallas Clark TE Indianapolis Colts: Oversized posession receiver who is a TEINO. He'll get yardage, but not many scores.Desmond Clark TE Chicago Bears: A good medium/deep threat who's gonna roll up on G-reg for another couple of years.Daniel Coats TE Cincinnati Bengals: Third string special teamer with a twist. He's a gunner. And kinda good at it.Jerome Collins TE New York Giants: The subtle beneficiary of the fact that Shockey got himself dealt.Chris Cooley TE Washington Redskins: He's a versatile receiver with a great skill set. Malcolm Kelly and Fred Davis will start putting pressure on him starting next year.Brad Cottam TE Kansas City Chiefs: If the man's able to see the field, he will be a fine heir to the Tony Gonzalez throne.Alge Crumpler TE Tennessee Titans: If the man's knees hold up? He'll be a fine safety valve for Vince Young.Tony Curtis TE Dallas Cowboys: The neat freak who got the onside kick on that classic from Monday Night Football versus Buffalo.Owen Daniels TE Houston Texans: He's a great receiver who can do the little pass catching things. But he makes blocking tight ends necessary.Charles Davis TE Jacksonville Jaguars: If his name was Jericho Davis, he would not have to climb off from like the 5th string to make the team.Fred Davis TE Washington Redskins: A solid receiver. He's able to get open and can handle linebackers. But again, he's a rookie.Kellen Davis TE Chicago Bears: Fifth round developmental tight end who could also pass rush all over your ass!Vernon Davis TE San Francisco 49ers: If he brings his stuff? Martz can make him a new Mike Furrey. If he doesn't? He's on the road to bust town.James Dearth TE New York Jets: Not just a long-snapper, a VETERAN long-snapper.Jon Dekker TE Pittsburgh Steelers: Dude, you went to Princeton. Keep calm and don't be an elitist and you'll be on the team come September.Darnell Dinkins TE Cleveland Browns: Steve Heiden is going to beat him out. It's Racism I tells ya!Joel Dreessen TE Houston Texans: Could he beat out Mark Breuner? Signs point to yes!Jeff Dugan TE Minnesota Vikings: Back-up Jim Kleinsasser.Greg Estandia TE Jacksonville Jaguars: The good? He's 6'8" and solidly athletic. The bad? His blocking is mediocre. Improve it and he will oust the Wrightster.Anthony Fasano TE Miami Dolphins: Gritty. Born about a decade too late to be truly worthwhile.Daniel Fells TE Tampa Bay Buccaneers: UC-Davis alum has no shot to make it in Tampa.Derek Fine TE Buffalo Bills: For the Bills? He's great.Jermichael Finley TE Green Bay Packers: Raw talent is raw.Casey FitzSimmons TE Detroit Lions: Carroll College is about to end their culutral relevancy with his return to obscurity.Bubba Franks TE New York Jets: Inside the 20, and with the run blocking, he's fine. But the man is just a stop gap until Keller's ready for the world.Michael Gaines TE Detroit Lions: Spectacular run-blocker, marginal receiver.Antonio Gates TE San Diego Chargers: Keep your ear to the ground about the toe, but don't sweat the technique if it's all copasetic. Gates is gold.Ronnie Ghent TE New Orleans Saints: Bobby Petrino-fried H-Back.John Gilmore TE Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Tampa loves the double-tights. John Gilmore's in a good spot here.Tony Gonzalez TE Kansas City Chiefs: He's not the red zone guy in Kansas City anymore, but so long as it's Bowe and some random dude at the X and Z? He'll get plenty of looks.Daniel Graham TE Denver Broncos: Skills disappeared after he left New England.Aaron Halterman TE Miami Dolphins: He's gonna get flashed and cut. An Indiana guy? Not in this world!Rodney Hannah TE Dallas Cowboys: Another one of those hoopsters trying to make the switch to the Y.Ben Hartsock TE Atlanta Falcons: Great blocker, only viable on the rare occasion that he's on a play action.Todd Heap TE Baltimore Ravens: If the man's healthy, he's a Top 10 Starter. But he does have a bit of the gimpys.Steve Heiden TE Cleveland Browns: Third team blocker/special teamer. No twist.Will Heller TE Seattle Seahawks The wingman of the double tight end sets in the Emerald City.Zac Herold TE Indianapolis Colts: Good blocker. Fine hands. But he will not get the reps to be worth a second look.Nathan Hodel TE Arizona Cardinals: It's better for everyone outside of the Hodel family if he doesn't make the team.Tory Humphrey TE Green Bay Packers: 75 cents to a Kellen Winslow dollar.Nate Jackson TE Denver Broncos: The rare breed. A third tight end who contributes on special teams. IT'S LIKE A MINI-MALL IN A BIG CITY!Brian Jennings TE San Francisco 49ers: He's not just a long snapper, he's a flaky long-snapper!Darcy Johnson TE New York Giants: He may be the Giants Tight End of #1 caliber for the purposes of blocking.Eric Johnson TE New Orleans Saints: Question? This Yalie puts up eye-popping performances if he's on the field, if he's ever healthy. Never healthy though.Dustin Keller TE New York Jets: Wait until next year. He's got skills that you could only deem as mad. But tight end rookies are sort of ballast for an offense.Reggie Kelly TE Cincinnati Bengals: A blocking back-up. But here's the twist. He's only a second teamer!Jeff King TE Carolina Panthers: Decent receiver, but losing favor fast in the research triangle.Jim Kleinsasser TE Minnesota Vikings: Dude, just gain 30 pounds and be a tackle already.Joe Klopfenstein TE St. Louis Rams: The record company's gonna give him lots of money and everythings gonna be all right.Ryan Krause TE Houston Texans: Division II guy still trying to live the dream. I love you delusional.Nate Lawrie TE Cincinnati Bengals: A secret handshake motherfucker.Mike Leach TE Denver Broncos: It would be more interesting if the mind behind the spread passing game on Saturdays long-snapped on Sunday. But you know what? It's not. Really.Donald Lee TE Green Bay Packers: A good receiver and passable blocker who will get roughly 5-7 looks per game.Marcedes Lewis TE Jacksonville Jaguars: He's in year two of his breakout candidacy.John Madsen TE Oakland Raiders: A passable blocker who could do something with the opportunity should something bad happen to Zach Miller.Brandon Manumaleuna TE San Diego Chargers: A solid blocker. Keep him in and Phillip Rivers becomes a real quarterback.David Martin TE Miami Dolphins: He needs to lose 30 pounds and try to be Marcus Colston.Tim Massaquoi TE Buffalo Bills: Random pass-catching tight end without much of a chance to not get cut.Michael Matthews TE New York Giants: Blocker. Size of a tackle from 1980.Sean McHugh TE Detroit Lions: A receiver stuck in an analog offense.Randy McMichael TE St. Louis Rams: All I'm going to say here is that the Rams new Offensive Coordinator loves a Y with pass-catching skill.Mike Merritt TE Kansas City Chiefs: Random blocking tight end who's got the same name as one of the Max Weinberg 7 that you don't know about. On a sidenote? I once voted somebody for governor because he looked like La Bamba. And I was NOT even high!Billy Miller TE New Orleans Saints: An undersized pass catcher who may be looking for work in 2008.Heath Miller TE Pittsburgh Steelers: If and when the line gets rebuilt, he will go to town. Until then? Marginal.Zach Miller TE Oakland Raiders: If he stays at the level he was at to end the season? He's going to be quite good.Garrett Mills TE Minnesota Vikings: He caught a lot of passes at Tulsa. In the interim? He's got as many games as there were episodes of Viva Laughlin. But he's still standing, am I right?Martrez Milner TE Atlanta Falcons: If names equalled potential? He's the starter.Fontel Mines TE Chicago Bears: A man whom they're praying to achieve the Antonio Gates career track.Chad Mustard TE Denver Broncos: Obvious nickname is obvious.Legedu Naanee TE San Diego Chargers: A receiver who may be a Frank Wycheck sized Antonio Gates in 2009.Joe Newton TE Seattle Seahawks Tall target is cheaper to the palate than a Jeb Putzier. If he's special on special teams? He makes it! Yay!Jake Nordin TE Baltimore Ravens: No shot to achieve his dream if Heap doesn't crumple.Greg Olsen TE Chicago Bears: G-Reg of the Seventh Floor Crew could become a solid breakout candidate. Usually tight ends do in year two.John Owens TE Detroit Lions: A traditional tight end who may make it because of that alone.Richard Owens TE St. Louis Rams: He's a fullback. A back-up fullback. On a team where the starting fullback is the back-up tailback. He'll see the field.Ben Patrick TE Arizona Cardinals: He was every draft magazine's version of a high value sleeper. And he showed something in 2007. He outplayed Leonard Pope.Justin Peelle TE Miami Dolphins: A blocking-awesome tight end who's stuck as a member of the previous regime's tragedy. This means he's cut.Jamie Petrowski TE Tennessee Titans: #6 in your Tennessee Titans Tight End Depth Chart.Brett Pierce TE Denver Broncos: Two more NFL catches than I do in his four-year odyessy.Jason Pociask TE New York Jets: The main beneficiary of Chris Baker's incessant douchebaggery.Marcus Pollard TE New England Patriots: A part of the Patriots youth movement. What?Leonard Pope TE Arizona Cardinals: Injuries and mistakes have but him by the wayside.Jeb Putzier TE Seattle Seahawks: Falling off the cliff.Jason Rader TE Atlanta Falcons: Son of former baseball manager Doug Rader.Gijon Robinson TE Indianapolis Colts: A fullback with great hands on the worst team for his situation. Also, would you be interested to know that a man named Gijon is African-American? It's true!Dante Rosario TE Carolina Panthers: The Panthers want him to emerge this year. He just might oblige.Robert Royal TE Buffalo Bills: He's a world-weary weak sauce as a starter. He can't block for beans either.Martin Rucker TE Cleveland Browns: Remember. Kellen Winslow is injury-prone. Martin Rucker's got a shot at glory.Sean Ryan TE Miami Dolphins: When you're the third string guy for the worst team in football, your existence becomes a paradox.Tom Santi TE Indianapolis Colts: He's bigger than Jacob Tamme. But Tamme's upside is entirely much better than Santi's.Bo Scaife TE Tennessee Titans: The Texas alum has bad hands for a receiving tight end.Tony Scheffler TE Denver Broncos: His status as a top-level breakout candidate is such. A. The receivers are a mixture of injury prone and criminal. B. He's done a lot with the looks he's got. C. There's a very real scenario where Keary Colbert will have an extended run as your #1 receiver Bronco fan.Matt Schobel TE Philadelphia Eagles: Jack of all trades...master of none.Derek Schouman TE Buffalo Bills: In a fight for the back-up job. Sadly, he's worse than Robert Royal?Matthew Sherry TE Cincinnati Bengals: Good hands, but everything else about him is kind of useless right now. Practice squad.Visanthe Shiancoe TE Minnesota Vikings: Only woth your time if Tavaris comes together and becomes a passable...pass catcher.Jeremy Shockey TE New Orleans Saints: He'll be solid. If the roto dudes will overpay for him. Again.Alex Shor TE Arizona Cardinals: Dude. I don't care about Alex Shor. He don't care about me none either.Alex Smith TE Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Solid starter. He's a good tight end if they'll let him play.L.J. Smith TE Philadelphia Eagles: His fumbles keep him from being elite. His blocking keeps him from being back next year.Justin Snow TE Indianapolis Colts: A long-snapper giving something back to the community. And not just because of his work in Broze Foundry.Stephen Spach TE New England Patriots: A journeyman with back-up dreams.Matt Spaeth TE Pittsburgh Steelers: The back-up to Heath Miller. Also? A stealth red zone option.Brad St. Louis TE Cincinnati Bengals: A drafted long-snapper. Rare bird that.Craig Stevens TE Tennessee Titans: Nickname: Cool breeze. Good blocker.Jerramy Stevens TE Tampa Bay Buccaneers: It's the crazy train! CHOO CHOO BABY!Tony Stewart TE Oakland Raiders: OMG! He has the same name as the race car guy! LOL! No way!Quinn Sypniewski TE Baltimore Ravens: Injured. Out for the season.Jacob Tamme TE Indianapolis Colts: Ben Utecht's replacement. But a tight end that runs a 4.6 40 as a 5th option? There's a future here.David Thomas TE New England Patriots: If he could break down old man river Marcus Pollard, he'll get the sweet 2nd tight end action.Ben Troupe TE Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jon Gruden may decide that he wants to join the Troupe instead of living with John Gilmore.Jerame Tuman TE Arizona Cardinals: Can take solace in the fact that he's made a better pro than Bennie Joppru.Chad Upshaw TE Carolina Panthers: Kind of decent at everything gets you nowhere near a pro contract. Hey af2? Get a load of this!Ben Utecht TE Cincinnati Bengals: His pass-catching skills are great and he could be the stealthy way to mitigate some of the Ocho Cinco garbage.Lee Vickers TE Baltimore Ravens: Random blocking tight end who has no pass-catching skills.Fred Wakefield TE Oakland Raiders: He's an offensive tackle who wears a number in the 80's.Aaron Walker TE Baltimore Ravens: Good pass-catcher. No shot to make any sort of a team.Delanie Walker TE San Francisco 49ers: Shaun Hill's wingman.Cooper Wallace TE San Francisco 49ers Practice squad tight end may be on some other team's squad for practice purposes next season.Benjamin Watson TE New England Patriots: Bought Roy Williams those weird speed shoes. He's promised himself he's gonna be the last broken ankle.Daniel Wilcox TE Baltimore Ravens: Hey guys. You can be a blocker/special teams player too!Kris Wilson TE Philadelphia Eagles: He may be the H-Back added for spice in the Eagles fullback menage a trois.Kellen Winslow TE Cleveland Browns: If healthy? He has achieved the potential that for which was expected of him.Jason Witten TE Dallas Cowboys: As the superstars go? He's quite underrated. And now he has a raw rookie instead of a decent pass-catcher backing him up.George Wrighster TE Jacksonville Jaguars: He's a veteran. And a back-up. He's a veteran back-up. What? There's not much to do it.Todd Yoder TE Washington Redskins: Blocking third string tight end! Dun nuh!Joe Zelenka TE Jacksonville Jaguars: Never mind the bollocks, here's a long snapper!Keith Zinger TE Atlanta Falcons: A blocker who overcame a near career-ending stomach ailment in 2007.

Yeah. I worked on this for over 24 hours. Either feel sorry for me or love it.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Kickers. A necessary evil. Like taxes. Mothers-in-law. Or even sitcom conventions.

Come along. Join us being trapped in a small space. We're going for a 47 yard field goal's worth in a breakdown.

David Akers K Philadelphia Eagles: Kicks from >40 yards is roughly equivalent to BABIP. How? It always regresses to the mean. And this means a dude who hit .200 from greater than 40-yards last year is a good bounce back candidate. Rob Bironas K Tennessee Titans: America remembers where they were when he outdueled Sage Rosenfels in an asskicking contest. May get another shot in 2008.Josh Brown K St. Louis Rams: He wears heated pants. No kicker is worth that fact. Kris Brown K Houston Texans: One of the last of the orginial Texans. Also? He'll be fine if his offense stays healthy. Matt Bryant K Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Consistent, even if he won't get nearly enough of a shot. E.J. Cochrane K Baltimore Ravens: The most proper Vulture in Kicking history is about to take opportunities away from the most consitent kicker of the past 20 years. Ass. Brandon Coutu K Seattle Seahawks: Voted most likely to be Nick Folk by Meat Loaf Aday. Mason Crosby K Green Bay Packers: Sure, he won't be as good as he was last year. HOWEVER? He'll be good for more than a decade. Phil Dawson K Cleveland Browns: He had a comic book writer sort of breakout last season. In that it took 9 years to do. Jason Elam K Atlanta Falcons: Will not hit 115 points for the first time in his distinguished career. Jay Feely K Miami Dolphins: The lone bright spot on the Dolphins. Seriously. Nick Folk K Dallas Cowboys: The only underrated thing that lives in Dallas. And even so, he got past Mason Crosby to be YOUR NFC Pro Bowl Kicker. He'll be fine again.Stephen Gostkowski K New England Patriots: The best kicker in football for 2009. If you're one of those with idiots who draft a kicker round 6? Ignore him. Robbie Gould K Chicago Bears: The only problems with Gould may be opportunity based, the Bears offense is gonna suck. Shayne Graham K Cincinnati Bengals: A good player, but the whole rigamarole with Chad Johnson may sink him, or underrate him. Martin Gramatica K New Orleans Saints: WHOO! YEAH! I DID IT! I MADE A PARAGRAPH ABOUT A KICKING GRAMATICA! /tears ACL.Jason Hanson K Detroit Lions: A veteran of the suck. With Martz gone, so too his value? Sebastian Janikowski K Oakland Raiders: No good without the Vodka drink and the lager drink. Nate Kaeding K San Diego Chargers: Overcame his demons to become a valuable kicker. He is good. John Kasay K Carolina Panthers: He's still solid. Rian Lindell K Buffalo Bills: Should be better than last year as the offense goes from whipped to pimped! Yeah! Win! Rhys Lloyd K Carolina Panthers: The Dutch kickoff specialist who's got good value for 2009. Ryan Longwell K Minnesota Vikings: Always accurate. Actually improved his leg strength in 2007. I know, I'm surprised too. Kevin Lovell K Atlanta Falcons: The grandson of beloved astronaut Jim Lovell. Olindo Mare K Seattle Seahawks: Kicking for his football life. Chris Berman roots for him, so you should not. Justin Medlock K St. Louis Rams: The greatest African-American kicker of all time. Taylor Mehlhaff K New Orleans Saints: Voted Most Likely to be this years Mason Crosby by Wisconsin Sports Magazine. Joe Nedney K San Francisco 49ers: Mike Martz gives kickers opportunity all by himself. Remember that. Nick Novak K Kansas City Chiefs: Has not shown himself to be as good as Billy Cundiff. Paul Edinger is waiting for him to fall. Mike Nugent K New York Jets: He plays a rocking game from inside the 40 and on kickoffs. Too bad the Jets are still meek. Matt Prater K Denver Broncos: Kind of a John Hall type. Big leg, wonky accuracy. Neil Rackers K Arizona Cardinals: Should know that it's better to live like a king for a day than like a dog for a lifetime. Or something. Jeff Reed K Pittsburgh Steelers: Jeff Reed's saucy antics always translate to quality kicking. Josh Scobee K Jacksonville Jaguars: He should be awesome. I mean, his offense can bog down a scoch. Matt Stover K Baltimore Ravens: Consistently decent, but yet never great. Yeah. Shaun Suisham K Washington Redskins: Not great, but considering the crap that the Redskins have had kicking? Mediocre is okay. Lawrence Tynes K New York Giants: Proof poisitive that the slogan "you'll never get a second chance to make a first impression is flawed." See: NFC Title Game. Adam Vinatieri K Indianapolis Colts: Developing a case of the injury prones. Still great when healthy.

Defense. It wins championships everywhere. A good defense can save you when you have a positional hole. It can save you when you're not okay. It's a necessity. Generally.

Broken down by division because fuck you. That's why.

AFC EastBuffalo Bills: Underrated. When you add Marcus Stroud to a defense that was gutted by injury last season? This is a defense that can steal some games.Miami Dolphins: It's essentially 9 spots that are under camp competition. They may jell by the end of the year. But they will suck until then.New England Patriots: It's a defense in transition. It's old. It can be thrown on, and there will be injurious blood.New York Jets: Kris Jenkins was getting lazy before he got paid. Now he got paid. He's the key to the Jets house of cards. When he falls, it's off the cliff.

AFC NorthBaltimore Ravens: Most of its superstars are getting up there in age. A defensive end and both cornerbacks missed extended periods of time last season. They should be better, but it's still a risky proposition.Cincinnati Bengals: The transitive rule of Coordinator geniuses who become head coaches is that they never get the talent that they need. The additions of Keith Rivers and Antwan Odom help move the Bengals from crap to decent.Cleveland Browns: They spent draft picks on defensive line help. Brandon McDonald is the key to the house of cards, if he steps up? The back four becomes passable. And the defense becomes good.Pittsburgh Steelers: This could be a statistical powerhouse. Lawrence Timmons and Lamarr Woodley are a necessary youth infusion. They could get 50 sacks this year.

AFC SouthHouston Texans: The defense has star power, but the fact of the matter is that it will be the reason that they do not make the leap from mediocre to playoff worthy. Don't bother.Indianapolis Colts: It was a good defense last year despite having no pass rush after Freeney and Mathis went down. It should be a worthwhile enterprise again.Jacksonville Jaguars: They won't miss Stroud and Sammy Knight too much. If this team can get something pass-rushy out of Derrick Harvey and or Quentin Groves? This will go from a Top 12 defense to a Top 3.Tennessee Titans: They lost their defensive ends. They replaced them with a done freak, Bryce Fisher, and Jason Jones. If Jason can correspond his way into pass-rushing glory? This defense will be fine. If not? They're the leading contenders for Malcolm Jenkins.

AFC WestDenver Broncos: This was a defensive Epic Fail last year. It had a penchant for getting its shit run over. A healthy Jarvis Moss and a linebacker infusion may turn this defense from the nottie into the dorky but cute girl that John Cusack ran to in better off dead. And if I may put my Bill Simmons hat on...Kansas City Chiefs: Wait until next year. They're like the Dolphins situation, but with better talent on the ink and paper. But Alfonso Boone as your pass-rusher? Really?Oakland Raiders: The fact that you won't be able to pass on them won't be a problem. Their run defense is among the worst in football. It would make Arliss Beach look like a stud. Arliss Beach people!San Diego Chargers: The front seven is good due to an affinity for the cream and the clear. But the secondary is very much the truth. Matrix moves to the essential Mormonness of Eric Weddle. The Chargers are a D you can believe in.

NFC EastDallas Cowboys: Do they have the skills to pay the bills? Yes. Will they end up crapping the bed for a few games? Yes. Will the non-annoying fans of the NFL hate them? Yes and yes.New York Giants: They can be scored upon. But their strength is in their ability to make the big play. Their linebackers are their weakness.Philadelphia Eagles: A sleeper defense and special teams. They've made two big upgrades in Chris Clemons and Asante Samuel. And DeSean Jackson is a dollar tree Santana Moss. Jimmie Johnson's got some skill to work with.Washington Redskins: Even with Jason Taylor? This defense will only be good in terms of bending and not breaking. They couldn't pick off Brett Favre.

NFC NorthChicago Bears: Devin Hester masks any sort of denfensive problem. And the middle of the trenches and secondary are an issue. They can pass rush excellently, however.Detroit Lions: The defense was awful last season. They've revamped the back four in an effort to get to decent. They likely won't, outside of opportunism.Green Bay Packers: There are no in-division quarterbacks who can make the Packers pay for their attacking, big-play defense. The loss of Corey Williams hurts because of Johnny Jolly's drug charges. They may be able to be run on.Minnesota Vikings: Jared Allen, if he stays right off the field. Will make this defense downright scary. Really. As a Packers fan, I'm fucking annoyed.

NFC SouthAtlanta Falcons: They suck. Flat out awful. They will be useless. But there will be bright spots who will be outweighed by the suck.Carolina Panthers: A potential bounce-back candidate. Many veterans had off years in 2007. They could show themselves as quality this season. Or not. They have to count on a Raider-castoff Tyler Brayton.New Orleans Saints: Five playmakers. One hot rookie in Sedrick Ellis. If the other five defenders can be solid? They'll be fine. Odds are, no.Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The key to this defense is Gaines Adams. If he can pass rush his way to riches and wealth? He can mask the deficency's of the teams secondary and make this a darned good defense.

NFC WestArizona Cardinals: Here's a second tier defense with good upside. If Chike Okeafor returns healthy and Travis LaBoy generates the pass-rush? They'll be good in other places besides going up the middle.San Francisco 49ers: The keys are the 3-4 OLB's. If Manny Lawson and Justin Smith are doing it right and makin' it great Pizza Hut style? Then this defense won't be useless. My guess? Half useless.Seattle Seahawks: Even if you believe Patrick Kerney is going to regress to his mean? Even if you believe the safety's are gonna fall off this pace? This defense will be powerful.St. Louis Rams: They'll be good versus the pass. They have potential to pass rush. O.J. Atogwe is the big-play man that you've got to love. But as defenses go? It's barely halfway live.

If the eternal sleepers of Arizona and Carolina finally come together? The NFC just may have a game that the middle of the country will not care about.

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