The 'Game Of Thrones' Families Explained As Metal Bands

Anyone who watches Game of Thrones — and I know everyone reading this does — has encountered having to try to explain the show to people who’ve never seen it. It’s a bitch, right? I mean, where to even begin. SO. MANY. LAYERS.

Kungjitsu gets it. They were great, they’re still like *the* Metal Band to most commoners, but really all their power is with their earlier years, and the just continue to shit on and sabotage their own legacy over and over again. Fuck yea, the Lannisters are totally Metallica. The question is, does Metallica have any salvageable cool members who totally would still make great music if they could but are trapped? Because that’d be their Tyrion…

^ Excellent call on actually making the Metallica-Lannister thing work by bringing in Jason Newstead. He’s the only one of them I have any remaining respect for, precisely because he left. What you’re telling me is that he’s in Essos, that’s why we never hear from him anymore?

Great idea, horrible execution. No family compares to Poison unless that family arrives late, plays mediocre music and is successful with sixth graders. This person either doesn’t understand Poison or the Lannisters.

I think you have to go with Metallica for the Lannister house. The band started out badass and has been slowly undone by a quest for influence and power. Ready to starve its own people and turn on its bandmates for the sake of an extra buck. Kiss might be a decent alternative.

Greyjoy – Much more like Black Sabbath. One of the original metal bands, but really not that bad ass. Theon and Ozzy are both pussies that enjoyed more fame and success on their own. When reunited with the band, disaster for the family ensues. The band was probably better with Dio / Theon’s sister in charge.

Starks – Zeppelin. Heavy but total devotion to rock’s origin in the blues and the old gods of rock and roll.

And another thing, I really love it when taint lint like the now-nuked “Chipper Bones” play the “you steal from Reddit” card. Reddit is a site that was virtually built on users stealing shit and posting it as their own work, William. I’ve had it happen to me numerous times — as has anyone who’s been on the internet for more than five minutes. Do we occasionally post stuff from Reddit? Yes, obviously, as do most successful sites on the web. But when we do we credit it and link back to where it originated, as I did in this post. THERE’S A DIFFERENCE, SHITSTAIN!!!

Now since Matt is gone and not coming back do both of us a favor and go the fuck away and never return, please.