World Cup Cancelled After Kevin Says Soccer is “Dumb”

The 2014 FIFA World Cup was cancelled today after organizers learned that Kevin said the sport of soccer is “dumb.”

“Or football or whatever the hell they call it,” wrote Kevin. “Either way it’s a stupid sport and no one gives a crap about it.”

FIFA president Sepp Blatter announced the cancellation of the tournament this morning after hearing about Kevin’s comments, posted via Facebook on an ESPN.com article about LeBron James.

“Much time and money has been spent preparing for the 2014 FIFA World Cup,” said Blatter during a hastily arranged press conference. “Players and managers have also worked all their lives to get here and compete. Yet we have received word that Kevin feels this is all a, to quote him, ‘a boring waste of time with a bunch of diving pussies who could never play real football.’ As such, the 2014 World Cup has been cancelled.”

Several top players tried to convince Kevin to change his mind, but their comments have gone mostly ignored. “I never heard of you,” Kevin replied to a plea from Lionel Messi to give the sport a chance. “YOur gayer than Michael Sam,” Kevin responded to Cristiano Ronaldo. “Stop trying to shove it down are throat.”

The World Cup is not all that Kevin has possibly destroyed. The NBA Finals may also be cancelled after Kevin tweeted: “The NBA is so rigged.”

“Right or wrong, these are heavy charges,” said NBA commissioner Adam Silver. “We may have to take a break, regroup and figure out how to get Kevin back on our side.”

The Stanley Cup Finals will continue even though Kevin wrote last week that “NO ONE CARES ABOUT HOCKEY.”

“We have to keep going,” said commissioner Gary Bettman. “It’s the only shot we have to convince Kevin that we matter. We’re going all-in.”