ARTICLE THREEA business shall be free to operate independent of government regulation
(a) except record labels, movie studios, publishers, broadcasters, and anyone else who might print or publish dirty words or ladynipples.

ARTICLE FOURA for-profit business is a religious institution, and entitled to religious freedom (a) except Muslim businesses, which shouldn’t be built where they might offend Christians
(b) abortion clinics, contraceptive providers, and porn shops: see Article 4(a)

ARTICLE FIVEA business, as a person, has a right to free and unrestricted speech (a) provided said speech takes the form of:
(1) English
(2) Campaign contributions or advertising

ARTICLE SIX
In a time of national crisis, a corporation has the right to control what the public knows without interference from the press or regulatory bodies

ARTICLE SEVEN
When it is good for profits, a business may seize property from unincorporated persons

ARTICLE EIGHTNothing in this enumerated list should be interpreted to limit the rights of businesses in the quest for ever-expanding profits.

Chris is an author, artist, personal trainer, and long-time nonprofit fundraiser. His work has appeared in The Nib, GOOD, the Huffington Post, Salon, MTV, and numerous other publications. Chris lives in New York City.

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Christopher Keelty is a writer, artist, personal trainer and nonprofit fundraiser based in New York City. Cartoons and writing have appeared at The Nib, Fusion, Salon, the Huffington Post, MTV.com, among other sites and publications.
For personal training information, visit rewritefitness.com.