Exams to be Located…Where?

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By Joshua Boucher

The following article is satire. While the details on the exam schedule are accurate, the described location was discovered by an amateur physicist and is not supported by statistically significant data. If you want to know where your finals are actually located, go to the UWinsite Student > Manage Classes > Exams > View My Exam Schedule

Exams Finally Scheduled

The schedule for the Winter 2019 semester’s final exams was released last week, on February 19th. If you haven’t seen it yet, it can be found on the “Timetable Information” section of the Office of the Registrar’s website. There, a link to a PDF document titled “Final Exams (.pdf)” can be found. In said document, final exams are listed in chronological order and separated by department. This document was prepared on February 15th but was not released until the 19th because the registrars like to wait for reading week to release important academic information when students surely aren’t occupied with any other plans and are fully engaged in school matters.

For reference, the listing includes exam start times, course IDs, course names, and the date of the final exams. This will be the normal method of final exam scheduling from now on, with dates and times not released until after classes begin. This way, instead of having students pick courses and avoid schedule conflicts themselves, the administration gets to make students wait several months and hopefully avoid conflicts on students’ behalves.

Any astute students may have noticed that the final exam timetable doesn’t include the locations of each exam. With every imaginable piece of information about final exams given, students may be wondering where they are supposed to go to write the physical exam. And therein lies the issue. Final exams, for the first time ever in University of Windsor history, will not be written in a physical location at all.

New System, New Void

Instead, this year will introduce a dimensionless, non-spatial void where every final exam, including the distance exams, will be written. This new non-location will be used to ease student stress during the exam season. A spokesperson from the Office of the Registrar has commented that students are reportedly very stressed out during finals. “Because students have consistently told us they feel a hollow, empty sense of dread during this time of year, we’ve decided to schedule exams somewhere that will provide a reassuring sense of familiarity to students.”

Allegedly, the environment in which exams are written can have impacts on student performance, as well as student mindset. Because of this, the Office of the Registrar cooperated with the Department of Physics and the Office of Space Management to schedule use of the aforementioned void.

A professor of theoretical physics from the University of Windsor recently discovered the non-spatial void, which has been described as “utterly indescribable” and “wholly absent of characteristics whatsoever.” After the initial discovery, staff members of the Office of Space Management had to book the void for all of the university’s exams to take place, to prevent the possibility of an awkward double booking.

Heather Komodo, a third-year student at the University of Windsor, provided her thoughts on the change. “I’m already fairly used to feeling like I’m in an empty and meaningless void, so I guess they’re right about it being familiar,” she said. “But now I need to write an exam when I’m there? Bummer.”

The final exam period goes from April 6th to April 17th, with the 18th being the alternate exam date.