validation

It was early Friday morning last week. I was at my desk when it came through, completely unexpected. Totally out of the blue.

Ding! I had a message.

It popped up. <click>I read.

The writer just wanted me to know that she was thinking of me. That she appreciated me. That she values the work I do in the world. She cited a specific example of something she’d observed, and told me the impact it made on her.

It took me a minute to realize that this wasn’t the usual spam solicitation or unwelcome sales message. Rather, it was a lovely, eloquent reminder of who I am and what I do in the world.

I was bowled over, deeply appreciative and hugely validated. What an unexpected, lovely gift!

Now, as we move from one year to the next, you’ll hear many authorities say that this is the time to plan. To organize. To shed. To resolve. And that’s certainly a fine thing to do.

But there’s another wonderful something you could do… why not take a minute and write a note to someone and tell them how much you appreciate them?

Tell them how they have impacted your life.

Tell them you are glad they are here.

Tell them that they are appreciated, valued and seen.

Give them a specific example of when you’ve seen them at their best, and the difference it’s made or is making for you and for others.

Do it by email. Do it with fancy stationery and a fine pen. Do it on the back of a receipt with a crayon. Do it however you can given what you’ve got.

The how if it is less important than the done of it.

You don’t need to anguish about your eloquence or strive to say whatever needs saying perfectly. All you need to do is take a moment to use words which give another human being a sense of meaningful accomplishment, and the keen awareness that they matter.

Because they do. And we all have the power to remind someone – and ourselves – of that, today.

Tell me – what do you think is more important? Is it knowing deep inside that you’re making the right choice, doing the right thing, wearing the right clothes? Or is it looking outside for confirmation that you’re doing it all right?

Now, plenty of people will tell you that the only thing that matters is how you feel inside, and to hell with everyone else. [Sometimes they say this with a bit of a jutting jaw and stomping foot, have you noticed?]

But the majority of us live in the real world and operate within a social compact where it does, indeed, matter how we relate to one another. So, the answer to what’s more important might rightly be: Both.

Humans beings seek belonging, don’t we? And sometimes our happiest path is the one where we make our choice based on our own internal guidance system, and then toggle out to get feedback from trusted folks about the wisdom of our choice.

For instance, I might really be very comfortable wearing a bikini while playing a trombone in Grand Central Station in January but by doing so I’d likely create some discord. Mostly because I am lousy at the trombone.

My friend Crystal would tell me that wearing the bikini was OK, but maybe I should consider a coat given January’s weather, and perhaps I should hum a little rather than attempt the trombone given my complete lack of skill with that instrument. And I’d be very grateful for that input.

So would everyone in the train station.

However, even the most grounded among us can get out of balance from time to time and spend more energy attempting to please others with our choices, rather than making a choice on our own first – and that can lead to trouble.

Sometimes it’s because we lack confidence in our ability to make choices. This lack of confidence often stems from the environment in our childhood homes and schools. If you had authoritarian teachers or parents (or siblings) who always had to be right – thereby making you always wrong – then it’s likely you never really learned how to have the kind of self-knowing that makes deciding easier.

[A note to parents: regardless of your child’s age, remember that one of your most important jobs is teaching your kids to have confidence in their choices. Not confidence in your choices on their behalf, but of their choices on their own behalf. Refrain from fixing problems, or solving stuff for your kid – as hard as that might be. Allow them to fail early, and fail well, so they will learn how to right their own ship, and have the kind of self-confidence that some of us have to re-learn later in life.]

The good news is that any of us who didn’t learn it early, can learn it now. And you can start today. First, write down every time you’ve had an gut hunch about something in your life. Did you just know that you’d marry your spouse? Did you just know not to take that job? All of those instances – write ’em down. Then note whether you listened to your hunch or not, and the consequences.

When you look it over, I’ll bet you’ll find that your gut is almost always right. And I’ll also bet that when you override your gut, you find yourself making a choice that doesn’t work out so well.

Once you know that your gut is always on your side, you’ll learn to rely on it more and more. And you’ll have more and more success. And you’ll feel more and more confident about your choices.

Voila! A happier, stronger you.

Because, truly, no one knows you the way you know yourself. You are the best expert on you, and when you come from that place of knowing – shoot, your decisions get really easy.

And if you feel murky, reach out to your own Crystal for advice on whatever feels like your own Grand Central Station thing. Because feedback from a clear-headed friend who has your back can prevent a number of foolhardy disasters.

Yes, go inside to make choices. And if you feel the need to double-check, go outside.