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Wednesday, October 14, 2015

The Infertility Club

She is clothed with strength and dignity; and she laughs without fear of the future. Proverbs 31:25

Infertility. This word has been on my mind so much lately. I think it's because so many of my close friends are deep deep in the trenches right now. I feel like every time I turn around I see it. I recognize it because I've been there. We lost two precious babies. It was the saddest and darkest time of my life. {Disclaimer: I trusted that God had a plan for us and never doubted that we would be parents one days} BUT it still hurt. Some days it hurt really bad. There were lots of tears. I still ached every time someone told me they were pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I was so happy for those people and their growing families but deep down it was still hard. It was the loss of my own babies that I never got to hold that made that ache stronger.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

During this time, I learned so much about God's love for me. One of the ways he showed his love for me was providing support. I was lucky enough to go through this battle with some amazing ladies. I would never ever wish this battle upon anyone but I was thankful to have them by my side. We were all in the club together. These girls reminded me of God's truth on hard days and picked me up when I couldn't walk. They brought us meals, sat with us and most importantly prayer over us. We went to infertility bible studies together and poured into God's word.

Between me and 4 of my closest friends we have lost 12 babies. That is 12 babies up there in heaven playing together. Knowing they are all up there together is one of the sweetest and saddest feelings in the whole world. That thought brings tears to my eyes every single time I think about it. I praise God they get to know him and avoided all of the hurt and darkness of this world. But as a mama, I selfishly hate that I missed out on time with my babies that I never got to hold. These 4 ladies are girls who stood with on my wedding day and vice versa. They are grown up friends who call you late at night because they are having an emergency DNC, the second for one pregnancy. I am talking my best friends. I don't have enough fingers to count the number of couples who I personally know who have fought this fight. It is a lot. They are all part of the dreaded club.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

(1) I really wish I would have been more open about our battle in the midst of the darkness. I feel like it was so taboo to talk about that after our first miscarriage I just didn't tell very many people. I was 25 and at that age where people constantly ask "when are you having a baby?" That question just hurt. It was the worst and after awhile I just really got tired of hearing it. Instead of honestly telling people where we were coming from, we just stopped going to things. This included some church activities.

---I think it's completely acceptable to bow out of things for a season in life. Some days are particularly difficult and it's okay to opt out. The first Mother's Day for me was extremely hard. We decided not to go to church but spent the day doing a fun activity with another couple who was struggling too. It was just what I needed in that season of life.

---I think being a high school teacher amplified the pregnancy questions too. But since it was my job, I couldn't get around seeing some of my students. One of my not so bright and shiny days some girls asked me when I was having a baby. I might have lost it a little and told them I couldn't have babies. It was a slight over reaction. I had just gone through my second miscarriage and I was just sad and angry.

---I also think social media can amplify the hurt. All the pregnancy announcements. All of the weekly baby bump pictures. All of the gender reveals. My advice is to unfollow people for a short time. It's okay. You don't want to resent other people because they are celebrating and you certainly don't want to take away from their excitement. Be excited for them. Tell the congrats and hit unfollow. They will still be there in a year. This is especially helpful if you know someone who is due around the same time your baby would have been born.

(2) It is really easy for me to talk about our experience now. I have seen the ministry it can be to others. I know that letting someone else know that I understand can go a long way. It can give someone else a safe place to talk about their feelings.

(3) Maybe you didn't struggle with fertility but you know a friend who is struggling. My best advice is sit with them. Pray for them. Love on them. Cook them a meal or take them coffee. Leave them a treat on their front steps. Let them know it's okay to be sad. The most important thing you can do is let them know that you are there for them.

(4) One of the best things I took away from the Shiloh bible study, was to never play the comparison game. Never start a sentence with well at least you......

No one wins this game. It just adds up to hurt for both parties involved.

(5) I have never felt God's love more that when I reviewed our infertility chapters after I was pregnant with Baker. I know that this is way easier to do in the after stage. God's timing and hand in every single step of our journey still gives me chills. He loves me so much that he orchestrated every single part of my story starting years before I even knew it began.