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March Madness Glossary

How to talk tourney

Sports on Earth

Know the difference between the Big East and the Catholic 7? Between havoc and the pack line defense?

Not to worry. We’re here to help.

The NCAA men’s basketball tournament once again upon us, and as office pools across the nation overflow with bracket know-nothings — the tourney is to casual college hoops fans what New Year’s Eve is to casual partiers — Sports on Earth presents our first March Madness glossary. Consider it a public service:

Butler: A school celebrated for repeatedly losing in the NCAA tournament.

Bubble team: a) major school that squeaked to 20 wins by feasting on mid-major opponents; b) mid-major school that squeaked to 24 wins by flattening minor opponents; c) minor school that squeaked to 30 wins by beating high schools which lost their conference tournaments when potential game-winning three-pointers hit the YMCA ceiling; d) Kentucky, no matter how terrible they are.

Catholic 7: A fringe religious sect that denounces the worship of football.

Cinderella: Team you failed to pick in your bracket.

Duke: Beloved educational institution whose equally beloved basketball team coincidentally shares a nickname with Abbadon, the evil one, the old serpent, the father of all lies, the author of all sin, the chief of the demons, the enemy of righteousness, a horrible M. Night Shyamalan movie and that History Channel actor who totally looks like President Obama.

Elite eight: Refers to at least four teams you failed to pick in your bracket.

Expert analysis: The musings of a Magic 8-Ball, filtered through hair, makeup and a sport coat.

Final four: Refers to three games that have yet to be played.

First four:?Como?

5-12 game: Game in which knowledge of likely upset does not produce correct pick.

Florida Gulf Coast: A team composed of players who could use a little luck.

Gonzaga: See Butler.

Harvard: A team composed of players who will never need luck again.

Havoc: Innovative defensive system in which defenders spend entire period of time on defensive side of the ball defending.

Office pool: Annual workplace charitable drive in which donations are solicited in mid-March, held in an interest-free envelope for three weeks and then distributed to the employee with the least amount of personal interest in college basketball outcomes.

Seed: A team’s ranking in the NCAA tournament, as determined by a complex formula that includes record, strength of schedule, recent performance, size of regional television audience, telegenic properties of head coach, whims of television networks, whims of advertisers, assist-to-turnover ratio and how much money a sneaker company has invested in the team’s uniforms.

Shot clock: Device that places 35-second time limit on offensive possessions, thereby reducing average number of aimless perimeter passes before eventual high ball screen leads to shot attempt from 15 to 10.

Sweet sixteen: For mid-major schools, ending your season here is a reason to re-hire your coach. For major school, ending your season here is a reason to fire your coach and hire one away from a mid-major.

Student-athlete: An unpaid entertainer.

Upset: Gastrointestinal state that occurs following realization that President Obama picked a better bracket than you did, and he’s only busy being the leader of the free world.