About

Polyamory Diaries is about my decision to open up my 4-year relationship with the father of my child, and the sexual and spiritual awakening that followed.

Four years later, Brad and I have each experienced the ecstasy of falling in love with someone new and the trauma of watching each other go through that process.

First I had a “boyfriend” named “Ben” for almost 2 years, forcing Brad to hang on for the emotional ride, and shortly after he and I parted ways, Brad got his first poly girlfriend “Rose,” which nearly killed me emotionally and left me begging to return to monogamy.

Talk about a taste of my own medicine.

Now 8 years in, Brad and I consider ourselves “monogamish.” We don’t want to tie the knot and put ourselves on lockdown, for fear it will make us want to escape, but I am not ready for Brad to have any kind of “girlfriend” other than me for the foreseeable future.

I still believe monogamy is “unnatural” in the sense that it seems to be our basic, natural instinct to seek out sexual novelty. But I also believe it’s possible to evolve into a sort of spiritual monogamy or “marriage” with a soulmate-type figure.

Part of me longs for that monogamous soul-mate connection now. And part of me wonders if we’ll ever reach a state of emotional and spiritual maturity, where we won’t need to cling to a soulmate to make us feel complete… where when we connect with a person, or people, it’s out of a sense of celebration of the beauty of life rather than out of a needy sense of clinging.

Anyway, I’ll keep you updated month to month and year to year. I am currently working on editing my diary entries into a book and compiling a behind-the-scenes audiobook.

For access to secret diary posts and more photos, become a sponsor on Patreon OR make a one-time donation of any amount on PayPal, private message me on Facebook letting me know, and I’ll send you the password.

58 Comments

I found your blog from a tinder post. It’s quite interesting. Unlike the raw truthfulness you’re putting into it. The strip club and texting from the parking lot. You’re need for closeness. It’s just nice to read those thiughts and share (to an extent) your thoughts and your life

As you’ve brought up Anne of Green Gables in multiple posts, I couldn’t help thinking about the comparison… Anne’s ideas on romance and relationships are quite the opposite of yours, yet you seem to be quite a fan.

Actually, if you paid any attention, you’d know that Anne fell in love at least twice. While she was away teaching, she fell for one of her student’s fathers. She was very torn about the whole thing, as she was also in love with Gilbert. If she hadn’t lived at the tail end of the dark ages, she would’ve been able to have both and more. She would’ve been able to have all the romance her tragically romantic heart desired.

Let’s not forget about her first true love: Diana. And you’re exactly right- I believe if she has not been living in the “tail end of the dark ages” she could have fully experienced that love- with Morgan, Gilbert, AND Diana.

I know this is very old, but the plotline you recount with the student’s father only happened in the Kevin Sullivan “Anne of Avonlea” miniseries. In the books, Anne does become infatuated with fellow college student Royal Gardener, but then realizes she only ever actually loved Gilbert. Her big epiphany in the books is that she was attached to childish fantasies (personified by Royal) and therefore ignoring what “real love” is.

So it’s not that tarcil “didn’t pay any attention,” it seems to be that you didn’t read the books and tarcil didn’t see the TV show.

Hi Sara ! I have read your reasons, here, on thefederalist.com , and what I have read..
I’ve recognized myself, in fact ;).

Since three years, I’ve had discover that I am polygamist, but, I have waited since may, this year, to begin my researchs. And, they are not finsished totally…

I have tought that I would like to have only one lover to add in my life and it’s not what I have expected… I am looking for two more lovers ? It’s a kind of a shock, because I was’nt ready to consider this ;)…

But, because I am totally honest, I have told every guy that I’m in relation with (first, my boyfriend who is the father of my 3 little boys), and then, the two others guys…

I don’t know if they will accept, but even if I have’nt see them, I know that for one of them, I have fallen on him. I have’nt seen him, for one, because he stay far from me and because I was sick lastly. So, it was hard to see him.
And, I have wanted to stop the relationship for some reasons, and even I have tried, I can’t stop thinking about this guy…
And, for the next guy, I was trying to stop thinking about the first one, and I have fallen for him too…
So, now, I am interested for three guys, and I hope they will accept it.

But, if they do, I know I will be very lucky, happy, and so, you know… full of love ? It’s very special, like feeling, but, I hope it will work for me ;)…

If you are open about writting to me, privately, I would like to talk a little bit with you. Yes, I speak french, I’m from Canada, Quebec, but I understand english writting. But, I know that I risk to make some mispelling errors, so, sorry about it ;)…

Thanks for reading my comment, and maybe answering it ? I hope success for you both, and for your lovers that you vill find, love and care for ;).

It appears you make “falling in love” the end all feeling or at least the greatest feeling a person ought to feel. Sadly, like every relationship it grows slow and boring and then you keep moving on and on to the next person, never ever really satisfying your desire. There is a true way of love and sex in marriage that grows stronger as you age together, but you will not find it in polyamory.

How is falling in love not the greatest feeling? You know what is awesome about polyamory? You get to fall in love not only with new people over and over, but with your old partners as well, as you see them in a new light each time someone new comes into your lives.

Hi. I like how open and real you are. Unafraid to process your thoughts through here.

I agree with your posts on marriage itself not being enough. No one can be enough and it would be selfish to expect that. I’m not sure the answer is more lovers though. I hope things work out for you.

I was married to a woman and she had a boyfriend we met during our marriage. She left me for him. I remember her telling me that having him and I in her life was perfect for her, but that lasted 3 months til she left. I hope things don’t end so tragically for you.

I find a lot of similarities between you and me in the way you are processing things on this blog. I could never just accept the present. I needed justification, reasons, and deeper thinking.

FWIW, last week my life partner and I visited the first lover I had after we opened our relationship in 1967. She was my partner’s first lover’s girl friend. We had not met her current husband, but it all went very well. So poly doesn’t seem to run out of good surprises.

I’ve been very interested in what you have to say, although I disagree with you about 99.9%. I am saddened by the fact that you have now made your posts “private” on your public blog. It is an interesting perspective. One I might have, and probably, would have identified with when i was your age. I’ve grown up, and i see things quite differently now. I paraphrase Winston Churchill when I say ‘ if you’re not a liberal in your 20’s you have no heart, if you are not a conservative in your 40’s you have no brain”. While I believe in the biblical perspective of relationships now, I realize i didn’t arrive there biblically. Perhaps (and obviously) you will not either. I don’t condemn your worldview now, heck, I was much the same at your age. I believed in ‘free love’ and enjoyed many lovers. I believe your perceptive is important. Not only because you might influence people, but because you might feel God’s hand–and eventually see His truth. In my 20’s I was a fan of open relationships. I enjoyed many lovers. I enjoyed casual sex and honest relationships. None of them were fulfilling. I was fulfilled by nothing but my own wants–and that fulfillment only lasted a short while. At least that was what it seemed at the time. Then I met a man. He was not a christian, he was not one to keep me as his ‘own’, but I felt drawn to him. He turned out to be my soulmate, and we’ve been married 14 years, together 17. We truly love one another, and we have two wonderful children. We are now both Christians. We’ve never been ‘burnt’ out in our relationship–actually quite the opposite. I’m not trying to ‘convince’ you, but only hand you the alternative. Does a soulmate happen once in a lifetime? I say yes. God meant for my husband and I to find one another. We were both unabashedly promiscuous before meeting one another. But our minds were changed, our bodies changed, our souls changed–when we met one another and made a commitment. I wouldn’t change a thing about our relationship. After all these years, I feel closer–both emotionally, and physically–to my husband than when we met and the first time we had sex. Do I hope you will see a new perspective–yes, absolutely– because He has something in mind for you (for us ALL). But also because I pray you will see that the Lord does have a plan and YOU are part of it–YOU are! I promise, as he promises. Can relationships fulfill a person, a single relationship? I believe so. Mine did. Sex with my husband is unlike anything else. I had never had a lover like him. NEVER. You would think that after this many years sex would be old hat–but it is NOT. While you make sense–you do!–to the non monogamous crowd, it isn’t the end all, be all perspective. I encourage you to explore the alternative to your open relationship status. No offense to Brad, but perhaps he is not the person you should be exploring this with–it seems to not have worked previously, which is why you have arrived at your current state. While I believe in the biblical perspective of relationships–you and brad were never married–so I see this as an opportunity. An opportunity for you BOTH to find someone you need and truly love. I encourage you to explore this without sex. Sex is something that complicates things before marriage, not necessarily making them better. When you focus on sex, rather than the person, you put the physical above the emotional and psychological. The emotional and psychological are much more important than sex. A person is more than the sum of their parts. I wish many blessings on you.

Hi M.L, I like what you said about your relationship. It’s really wonderful when two people who are so compatible can grow together and not feel the need for anyone else. It is an ideal. But not everyone is so lucky. Sometimes it takes decades to find such a person. In the mean time, polyamory is not a bad way to find what you are looking for in multiple people. Sometimes you marry young and your compatibility changes. It doesn’t mean you have to get divorced and start over. There are far more possibilities in polyamory, whereas in monogamy your option for happiness is limited to finding the person who meets all your needs.

I hope all’s well. Just wanted to drop a note and say how much I enjoy your blogging here. I’m in a poly triad (almost a year old now as a trio), and although we’ve been through some shit in our time together, it’s been an amazingly positive experience for all of us.

Your journey of exploration in poly is fun to read and exciting to (a bit voyeuristically) watch. As a bit of a newbie myself, I feel like we’re all still learning what works within our relationship and your episodic story is a nice dose of perspective for me when I get a bit too in my head.

To continue making a long comment longer, please keep writing. As a fellow journo and writer, it’s quite nice to read someone who knows how to write clearly, cleanly and with insight married to humor and style. So thanks for that.

Finally, I’d be happy to open a correspondence, if you’d be up for it, so feel free to drop me an email any time. I’d be happy to share parts of our poly story if you’re interested in it all. If not — no worries.

I have been married to my wife for about 5 years, and dated for 7 years before that. We have been a couple ever since she was 13 and I was 15. We were both eachothers first and only for everything.

I am very open to the idea of polyamory, but that doesn’t help my feelings about it. My wife has strong tendencies to wander, and I give her as much freedom as I can bear. Despite all of this, she doesn’t seem content. She wants more freedom, but I can’t help the way I feel about the situation. My feelings are not following my thoughts. I experience a lot of jealousy in this regard.

Do you have any advice for people who underatand and agree with the concept of polyamory, yet experience negative feelings?

Hello! I came across your blog from your article on The Federalist (actually, from the self-righteous response to your article on the same site.) I really enjoyed reading what about how poly has liberated you (and your partner). My partner and I have been practicing poly for a little over 4 years and I’m always excited to find quality poly bloggers! Looking forward to reading more.

Hello Sara,
I just wanted to write and say how grateful I am to have found your blog from a Face book Group. It has meant a lot to me in the past few weeks. My husband of almost 4 years has discovered he is polyamorous, and I have been trying to be very supportive. I’m open to meeting other people but am not ready to jump in the pool yet. I have been very scared and threatened as he has found a couple he really cares for. Reading your blog and all the things you and Brad have been through has literally saved me. Thank You!

I have been intrigued, fascinated and very interested in your journey. I am especially appreciative of the humanity experienced and expressed in your writing.
Is their a way to join the group who are allowed access to the password protected part of the journey?
Thank you!

Hey Sara, I could not find a ‘Contact Us’ or email address to correspond direct but I’d like to communicate with you on your entry in Patreon with the view to being a supporter. Please communicate back if you wish to discuss.
Respects … Darren Ramsey (Kitora).

I’m discovering your blog! It’s great! Keep it up! I am also reading Sex At Dawn. And a new era of understanding is gradually dawning on me! Why so much frustration as a man in my relationships, why I couldn’t be myself, why and how I caused pain to my partners in never being able to meet their expectations, and how I am beginning to see that there is a possibility to have our needs as women and men to be met. It’s not easy to get through the straight lines of normality though. I’ll stop here otherwise I would write pages. Pleased to read you.

Your root problem with men and sex is that you have boughten into the patriarchy’s oppressive notion that just because a lady deigns to bestow her sexual favors on a given man, he is entitled to orgasm. That’s “W.E.I.R.D.” (“Western”, “Educated”, Industrialized”, “Rich”, “Democratic”.) More sensible cultural traditions like Tantra (Hindu) and Taoism (Chinese) hold that ideally men should be disciplined to only orgasm the number of times in their lives needed to father the number of children they desire. The sexual energy that they don’t release by letting it spurt out the tips of their cocks into vaginas (/mouths/hands) are much better devoted to men’s “missions” in their lives (mine is securing cyberspace).

My practice of MOC (male orgasmic continence) equilibrates my sexual desire with that of any conceivable partner because you if you keep climaxing and I don’t, you will *eventually* exhaust yourself. Or simply get too sore (I have a considerably larger penis that porn start James Dean, for example) to continue.

And, of course, men’s mouths and hands simply don’t fatigue appreciably no matter how long they perform oral (/manual) sex. It’s just that we are not hot to do that right after we orgasm. So we should orgasm.

Or at least not often. I have seen in both FORBES Magazine and on asianefficiency.com that men who want to be effective in their careers should have sex daily in which their ladies orgasm to exhaustion (or at least “satisfaction”), but they themselves should climax no more often than their age divided by five and rounded up.

But *especially* no man should let go on his first time with a new partner, and probably not even his fifth time. In my experience, women can reach 40 and have no idea at all how long their bodies can enjoy sex in one go, let alone how many times they will come back for more that same day if “more” is always available.

Teaching “Tantra for Couples” workshops is a major growth industry in San Diego, and the practice is spreading slowly outwards. I believe the techniques taught are basically the CDC’s recommendations for treating P.E. (premature ejaculation), just with “premature” being defined as “ever”.

You wrote:

> I want to see how long an orgasm can
> last. I want to see what levels of
> consciousness it can take me to. I want
> to explore my sexuality until I’ve had my fill.

No more worthy (or fun for the male partner) female sexual goals are possible. But you simply cannot execute on such an exploration with a man who seeks to orgasm himself, or even one who seeks not to, but your sucking and/or fucking him can force him to.

Jedi, thank you. I have read about this in the book The Secrets of Sexual Ecstasy, which I hope to find time to write about soon.

But I’m confused by your use of the word “orgasm” for men. In the book, it advises that men should not *ejaculate* – or rather, that they should learn how to “orgasm” without ejaculating. When you say “men should not orgasm,” do you mean “men should not ejaculate”?

I am one of the 16% of males for whom Lexapro disables their ability to orgasm. I only learned that there was a distinction between male “orgasm” and “ejaculation” when my internist mis-diagnosed a hormonal condition as severe depression.

I only learned of the misdiagnosis 18 months later when a lady I accidentally put through medical school got her residency at in one of the cities where I have an address. (Well, five addresses–why five? I let go of the sixth in my fairly recent divorce…)

My computer dictionary defines “orgasm” as:

orgasm |ˈôrˌgazəm|
noun

a climax of sexual excitement, characterized by feelings of pleasure centered in the genitals and (in men) experienced as an accompaniment to ejaculation.

verb [ intrans. ]
experience an orgasm.

ORIGIN late 17th cent.: from French orgasme, or from modern Latin orgasmus, from Greek orgasmos, from organ ‘swell or be excited.’

I only learned from Googling about Tantra, Taoism, and the “W.E.I.R.D.-ness” of the notion of males orgasming during sex. I also learned of the distinction between “orgasm” and ejaculation.

I have kept taking Lexapro because I am more physically and mentally energetic when I don’t orgasm, and for “Lexapo-induced Tantra”, that includes experiencing neither the release of tension+climactic pleasure nor ejaculation.

I did try to see if I could avoid orgasming without the help of Lexapro, but it appears that I am not a candidate to be a Tantric Master. I have consulted with a San Diego based one named Shawn Roop, who impressed me and has videos on YouTube. However, taking 10mg of Lexapro U.I.D. is a much easier path, and that dose has no noticeable other effects.

One curious side effect of my giving up orgasming is that I have become a *magnet* for women who present” like you do in:

–single mothers who are just *tired* of orgasmic sex being “scarce”. As I researched males not orgasming during sex I came across all sorts of weird (to me) fetish activities like orgasm denial, male genitalia being locked up in cages, and BDSM variants like cock-and-ball torture (CBT). I realized that I am not a “dominant” nor a “submissive”, but a “permissive”–I indulge women’s sexual desires as long as no one gets physically injured, only adults are involved, and it’s not unsanitary.

When I am at my primary residence as a citizen working on cybersecurity, there are five single mothers who know that they can drop by anytime unannounced and have their ways with me any way they want, for as long as they want, for as many times as they want (or have time for). They have all become girlfriends and use sharing a bed with me as some sort of 21st Century female bonding experience.

I would write this up for PENTHOUSE LETTERS, but I assume they would never publish such an implausible story. But it is not all good news. What it really means is that none of these elite, much-younger women see me as being in any way a “relationship possibility”–I am too old, too workaholic, and too often elsewhere (my cybersecurity work is mostly on Capitol Hill).

And they are happy to tell me such to my face. Basically, what they like about me is that I am “easy”, and I am a “sure thing”–there is that about me that even if a woman has never orgasmed from partner sex by age 35, she does every time (and usually multiple times) with me. Even ones who take one look at me hard and say, “I am not even going to *try* that!” (seriously, *pace* Mae West, “too much of a good thing” is not always “wonderful”) succumb to whatever it is that I do with my mouth and fingers that the other guys don’t.

Anyway, to make a long story endless, my recommendation is that you look for a local guy who sexually “permissive” and naturally “GIB” (“good in bed”). I developed a questionnaire that you can use to “interview” for GIB so you don’t have to “audition” for it–it is far to rare a characteristic in the male population to have to stage “tryouts” for.

Sara, I suspect that your strongest ‘chain’, beyond even government, religion, and your parents, is the act of sex, itself. All I can suggest is that you grow out of it, as all of us do eventually. My libertarianism certainly gives you space to make that choice, and my life since children has evidenced that choice. I’ve not had sex in many years, and I’m fine with that fact. My children are the reason for sex, as is my very marriage. I hope, for your child’s sake, that you can find a way to stay together.

I’m with you there, Sara. Grow out of sex? I think that Rob is rationalizing his own lack of a sex life, trying to make it ok for himself and so therefore it “should be” ok for all of us not to have sex once we are older than 20 somethings.

I say this because I am going through another long stretch of no sex, due to a very hard living situation (with his parents) and a new baby. Since it has happened many times before over the last nine years due to unresolved relationship issues, I can’t just say it’s just a situational dry spell. This time I am choosing not to rationalize it. It hurts and just really sucks. I hope my partner and I can get past it. Sex is a human need, it can be transformational if it is done mindfully, and it isn’t just some petty thing, as Rob is saying.

Thank you for all of your work expanding people’s perceptions around love, intimacy and human sexuality. What you are doing is so important for society!
With “expanding perceptions” in mind, I am writing to ask that you take a few minutes to listen to this country/western pro-polyamory ballad by my band Tight Pajamas. We feel really excited about this musical break-through: a well-produced, mainstream country song that shows polyamory in a positive and humorous light. We think it may be a first!
If you like it, please consider sharing the song and video with members of your community. We feel that our project is an entertaining and accessible way to spread ideas about non-traditional relationships. With some help, we hope to infiltrate the mainstream media, and open people’s minds to other possibilities.
If you have any ideas about how we can continue to spread our light hearted portrayal of polyamory please let me know!
You can watch our incredibly campy video here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SzIH13BLEg
Our project can be supported by purchasing downloads here https://tightpajamas.bandcamp.com/track/second-favorite-man
Tight Pajamas is a collaboration between Jeff Greenwald (an award-winning photojournalist and published author), and Susie Davis (who has performed and recorded with Mick Jagger, Prince, Van Morrison, Billy Idol, and many other artists).

I felt compelled to write to you because you seem so kind and you’ve made yourself so beautifully vulnerable by sharing your experiences and your heart.
You shared that letting go of your faith was a factor in your openness to changing your views on marriage, monogamy, etc. I can relate to that experience. I also went through a time of questioning my childhood faith, and it shook the foundations of my moral reasoning. However, I’ve found that the God I had learned something about was actually more real and more beautiful and more loving than I ever could have imagined. I may not be saying anything new, but there’s actually so much more to God than the ‘religious right.’ He has such a heart for you. I’ll be praying for you to find true fulfillment where you’ve only found momentary satisfaction. I was just listening to this podcast and I encourage you to listen. These two women are loving and encouraging, and I hope you might hear something that would cause you to seek Jesus once again.https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-happy-hour-with-jamie-ivey/id880741976?mt=2&i=1000411021666
Blessings.