When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend, and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.

Mr. Garrison:

...No, Eric! That's not what I'm talking about! The school board has sent over a special guest to teach us all about sexual harassment in schools. Please welcome Petey, the Sexual Harassment Panda. [Petey enters]

Petey:

[song and dance]Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?Sexual Harassment PandaWho explains sexual harassment to you and me?Sexual Harassment Panda"Don't say that! Don't touch there!Don't be nasty!" says the silly bearHe's come to tell you what's right and wrongSexual Harassment Panda

Hi, boys and girls. [the class says nothing]

Mr. Garrison:

Say "hi" to Sexual Harassment Panda!

Class:

[hesitant] Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda.

Clyde:

Hababah...

Petey:

[reaches behind the desk for a picture of two pandas in briefs] Did you know that when one little panda pulls on another little panda's underwear, that's sexual harassment? That makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda. [drops his head to one side]

Kyle:

[to Stan] This is freaking me out, dude.

Petey:

[shows another picture of two pandas...] And when one little panda puts his furry little willy in another panda's ear, that makes me a very sad panda. [puts the picture away and gets some literature] Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets, and we're going to go through each and every sexual harassment law.

Class:

Awgh..!

[Five hours later...]

Petey:

"...Article 36, Section 19: One panda may not make sexual comments about another panda's appearance. If said panda does make..."

Stan:

Ohh, dude, get me out of here!

Cartman:

I think Sexual Harassment Panda is cool.

Stan:

You would think that, you little ass-sucker.

Cartman:

What did you call me?

Stan:

An ass-sucker. It means you suck ass. You see an ass, you suck it. You're an ass-sucker.

Cartman:

[indignant] That does it! I am suing you for sexual harassment!

Petey:

Uh-oh.

Stan:

What?

Cartman:

You have... sexually harassed me for the last time! It says right here... that now I can sue you and take all of your money.

Petey:

That's right, he can.

Stan:

No you can't, you little ass-sucker!

Cartman:

Oh, you did it again! You all heard him!

Petey:

"The first party of the first panda may sue the second-party panda unless that panda was said panda aforementioned panda."

Yes, that was it. I was suh-so upset. [sniffs, Gerald comforts him] I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day. And the way his eyes kept looking at me, slowly going up and down my body, like he was undressing me with his eyes. [hides his face in Gerald's coat and begins sobbing]

Stan:

What?! Cartman, you call people names all the time!

Gerald:

As you can see, Your Honor, my client is too upset to continue.

Judge Julie:

Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say?

Stan:

Wwhat do you mean?

Judge Julie:

I need to hear your defense.

Stan:

Uh... I'm eight?

Judge Julie:

All right, this seems pretty open-and-shut. Stan Marsh, under the new Sexual Harassment in Schools law, I am forced to find you guilty.

Stan:

Huh?

Gerald:

All right, we did it!

Cartman:

Hooray!

Judge Julie:

Since the defendant is underage and has no monetary resources, it is the judgment of this court that 50% of Stan Marsh's belongings are to be handed over to Eric Cartman immediately.

Stan:

I have to give him half my stuff?

Cartman:

Sweet..!

[Marsh residence. Cartman is present with Gerald and a collector in Stan's room]

Cartman:

Let's see. I want that Clown Criminy game [on the cabinet next to the door. The collector puts it into Cartman's box], and that Power Jim doll. [goes to Stan's toy box] And, let's see... [pulls out a Mega Truck] Do you really like this remote-controlled truck?

Stan:

Yeah, dude. That's my favorite toy.

Cartman:

Oh, well, I'll just take that, then. [tosses it into his box and reaches for a lizard] And what about this? Is this one of your favorites?

Stan:

Uh, no! I hate that toy!

Cartman:

Oh, then you won't mind if I take it! [tosses it into his box]

Stan:

Damnit!

Collector:

[approaches Gerald with two toys] Here you go. As your legal fee you can choose between the green choo-choo or the squishy football.

Gerald:

Hm. [drops them and walks to Cartman] You know, Eric, I've been thinking, uh...

Cartman:

Uh-huh? That model airplane kit? Go on.

Gerald:

Uh, you know, the people really responsible for your harassment is the public schools. [Cartman looks through Stan's drawers] Perhaps we should sue them next.

Cartman:

What? But uh, why should I sue the school?

Gerald:

Well, because they're the ones that let this harassment go on. And, they have a lot more money. I think we could get a lot more out of this than half of Stan's belongings.

Cartman:

Interesting. [the collector picks up a can and presses a button on it] Ooo, Stan's asthma inhaler. I want that. [rushes to grab it]

Principal Victoria, were you aware that my client was being harassed at your school?

Principal Victoria:

Well, not any more than any other student.

Gerald:

Oh! So you admit that harassment goes on!

Principal Victoria:

I don't know!

Gerald:

You don't know?! You're the principal!

Principal Victoria:

I can't be around every second!

Gerald:

[staring her down] So it DOES go on!!!

Principal Victoria:

All right, all right, I killed him. I hit him over the head and I cut up the body. I tried to burn him, but it wouldn't burn! Oh, the smell of it! I put the legs in garbage bags and hid the torso under a bridge. I HAD TO DO IT!! [beaks down on the stand] OH GOD!!!

Well, when one little panda asks another little panda to perform oral sex, that is sexual harassment.

Gerald:

And who's to blame?

Petey:

I'm afraid the law states that the school must be held responsible.

Gerald:

There! You have it! Straight from the horse's mouth!

Petey:

Panda.

Gerald:

Pan-Panda's mouth.

[Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Verdict]

Judge Julie:

After careful review, it is the judgment of this court that South Park Elementary pays Eric Theodore Cartman $1.3 million in damages.

Gerald:

All right! We did it, Eric!

Cartman:

[takes his jacket off and twirls it around]

It's time to celebrate, yeahIt's time to celebrate, yeah

[Broflovski residence. It is literally bigger now - 50% taller, wider, deeper... Same with the garage, itself bigger than the house to it's right. The icicles are also bigger. Furniture movers come by with new furnishings for the new, big house. Two delivery men take a big-screen TV into the house]

Gerald:

That goes in the master bedroom. [Kyle walks up] Well, Kyle. What do you think of your new house?

Kyle:

It's... big.

Gerald:

Yes, it is big, isn't it? It is very big.

Kyle:

Dad, if the school has to pay you and Cartman $1.3 million, where does that money come from?

Gerald:

Well Kyle, schools have lots of money. You see, we all pay taxes, and part of that tax money goes to public schools, and it's from that money that we got our 1.3 million.

Kyle:

[thinks a bit] And you don't see a problem with that?

Gerald:

No. It's a very fragile system that nature has designed. All things flow into each other.

Kyle:

You're trying to confuse me now, aren't you?

Gerald:

Sort of, yeah.

[Mr. Garrison's classroom, some days later. The alphabet strip, the poster, and the teacher's desk and chair are gone. Only the chalkboard remains. Mr. Garrison enters]

Mr. Garrison:

Okay, children, there's a few changes being made here at school, but lessons will go on as normal. Any questions? [Stan raises his hand. The desks, pictures, and numbers are gone] Yes, Stan?

Stan:

Where's our desks?

Mr. Garrison:

Right, desks. Well, a lot of cuts had to be made since the school's funding is short for lawsuits.

Stan:

[huffs] You see, Cartman? You see what this has done?

Cartman:

All I know is, I got this sweet digital watch and these cool shoes; I'm telling you guys, suing people kicks ass!

Clyde:

Wow! I wanna sue somebody! [smiles at Bebe]

Bebe:

Me, too. I wanna get a lawyer.

Class:

Yeah!

Kenny:

(Woohoo!)

Mr. Garrison:

Well, let's just try to cope with the changes and do our schoolwork. Now, I'm gonna write a sentence on the board, and I want you to tell me the noun. [starts writing, with a nail. The sound just grates to the ear]

Class:

[wincing]AAGGGHHH!!

Mr. Garrison:

[turns to face the class] I know, I know. I'm sorry, children, but we can't afford chalk anymore. I have to write on the chalkboard with this rusty nail. Anyway, children, in the sentence, "The ball is red..." [loud scratching]

Class:

[wincing]AAGGGGHHH!!

[End of act one. Time: 8:22]

[The offices of Broflovski and Jackson. Gerald is in his office looking out the window. His briefcase is open. Music starts for a commercial]

Gerald:

[turns around] Kids! Are you tired of being harassed at school? Sick of being called a homo? A farty-pants? A butt-... face? Then call me, Kyle's dad, and I'll help you [slams his briefcase shut] close the lid on sexual harassment in schools!

Bebe:

[outside] After a boy in my class tried to put his tongue in my mouth, I knew I needed legal help. Kyle's dad helped me get a $1.6 million settlement, and this bright new shiny bicycle. Thank you, Kyle's dad! [rings her bell and rides away]

Clyde:

[on a yacht, The Litigator, sunning himself] Kyle's dad got me 1.4 million, and he can do it for you, too. Just look at all these beautiful girls! [four of them come to cater to him]

Gerald:

So call me, Kyle's dad. Because it's not about money, it's about... wait, what am I saying? Call me! [jumps for joy. This shot is frozen as the jingle is sung]

Uh—M-m-m-Mr. Morris, we at the school board have been thinking, and, we've decided that perhaps a "panda" isn't the best way to explain sexual harassment to children. [Petey's head tilts]

Woman:

You see, Mr. Morris, we believe that a panda doesn't really have anything to do with... sexual harassment. [long pause] At all.

Mr. Evans:

...I'm afraid we're just going to have to let you go.

Petey:

[rubs his eyes] I'm a sa-a-a-a-ad panda.

[The courthouse, day. The dominoes begin to tumble. Pip vs. Cartman]

Judge Julie:

Eric Cartman, it is the judgment of this court that you sexually harassed Pip Philip at school.

Cartman:

No way!

Pip:

I won!

Cartman:

This is ridiculous!

Judge Julie:

You asked Pip to suck your... you know what. You must give Pip half your stuff, and the school must give Pip $1.6 million.

Principal Victoria:

[Mr. Mackey sits with her] Oh, dear God!

Gerald:

Wow, I'm good!

Judge Julie:

Next!

[Craig vs. Wendy. They go to their respective podiums. The boys have left]

Craig:

This girl touched my thigh.

Judge Julie:

Half her belongings, school is sued for 2.1 million.

Principal Victoria:

We're ruined!

Judge Julie:

Next!

[Mr. Mackey vs. Tweek. They go to their respective podiums.]

Mr. Mackey:

Uh, Your Honor, this young man commented on the shape of my ass.

Tweek:

[hops] Guh!

Judge Julie:

Half his stuff, 2 million from the school.

Principal Victoria:

Oh..! [faints right off the chair]

[South Park Elementary, class time, barren classroom]

Mr. Garrison:

Okay, children, let's all take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. [gets out the rusty nail, but turns to see the class with Mr. Broflovski in the back] Oohh-kay. Uh, Clyde, can you tell me when Ulysses S. Grant was president?

Clyde:

Um...

Gerald:

[admonishing] Don't answer that!

Mr. Garrison:

Uh, Craig, how about you?

Craig:

Um... [Gerald whispers in his ear] Okay. I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incinerate me.

Gerald:

[whispers] Incriminate.

Craig:

Incriminate.

Mr. Garrison:

[angrily] Okay, children, I'm having a real problem with you all having lawyers. It is really disrupting class time! [Gerald approaches and whispers in his ear] Uh huh. Ri-oh, uh oh, I see. Oh, okay. Ri-ight. [Gerald leaves] Kids, what I meant to say is that I fully condone you all having lawyers and support your legal recourses in every way. Now, let's get back to Ulysses S. Grant, if that's okay with you, uhum...

[Cafeteria. The boys are in line. At least the tables are still there]

Kevin:

[to the redhead] Let's trade sandwiches.

[The kitchen. The poster and menu board are missing, but the counter is there]

Chef:

Hello there, children!

Boys:

Hey, Chef.

Chef:

How's it going?

Stan:

Bad.

Chef:

Well, they're about to get worse. All I can serve you for lunch is lumpy potatoes.

Ugh! [he and the other members hide behind their chairs] P-please! Don't sue us.

Kyle:

[confused] Huh?

Man:

We'll give you anything you want.

Stan:

We want Sexual Harassment Panda.

Mr. Evans:

Oh! Well, uh... We had to let him go.

Cartman:

What?!

Mr. Evans:

[ducks and rises again] D'uh. I mean, he left.

Stan:

Well, where is he?!

Woman:

We don't know! Honestly, I swear it! Please!! Let us go!

Stan:

What the hell is wrong with these people?!

[The Company]

Company rep:

Well. Uh, your credentials are very impressive, and you do seem to have a lot of ambition, uh but I'm afraid there's no room for you at our company at this time.

Petey:

It's because I'm a panda, isn't it?

Company rep:

Well, i-it is because you're a panda. Euh, it's because you're a sexual harassment panda.

Petey:

I can't help what I am.

Company rep:

Now, have you ever heard of a retreat called "The Island of Misfit Mascots"?

Petey:

Well, yes, but that place is for loser mascots that make no sense.

Company rep:

Well, uh, yes. They may be... just what you're looking for.

Petey:

I don't have to sit here and listen to this! How would you like a big panda punch in your puss?!

[Special Report: Sexual Harassment]

Reporter:

As sexual harassment lawsuits increase all over the state, the mother of all trials is set to begin. The sexual harassment case of Everyone vs. Everyone begins tomorrow. No matter what the outcome, the public schools are sure to lose at least a whopping $30 million. Representing the side of Everyone is Gerald Broflovski, the lawyer from South Park who plans to make quite a commission. Representing the side of Everyone Else is Gerald Broflovski. So whatever the outcome, things look very bright for Kyle's dad. Personally, I think Kyle's dad is just a whore, taking advantage of everyone in town and... [a note is handed to him] This just in! Newscaster Kevin McCarty is being sued by Kyle's dad for slander. The newscaster has yet to be reached for comment. Wait...

[South Park Bar. Cool Beer In Here. A jukebox plays. Petey sits at the bar, and three unsavory patrons, two of them seated, study him.]

Jukebox:

Some days just seem lonely

Still, there don't seem to be no end in sight...

Barkeep:

Another scotch? [Petey nods affirmatively, and the barkeep serves up another scotch. Petey sips]

Jukebox:

So I'll drive this ol' 18-wheeler down the highway...

Standing Patron:

Hey! Panda bear! [Petey lowers his drink to look at him] We don't take kindly to your types in here.

Barkeep:

Now, calm down, Skeeter. He ain't hurtin' nobody.

Skeeter:

No! [approaches Petey] I wanna know som'in' from Mr. Panda Bear here! If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you eat bamboo, which is prone to grow only in drier, more arid regions?! [Petey has no answer]

Barkeep:

Sk-heeter, I don't want no trouble nu-how.

Petey:

It's okay. I get it. There's no room in the world for pandas. Well, you don't have to worry about me! I'm off to the Island of Misfit Mascots! [rises and goes out the door. Skeeter watches him go]

Barkeep:

Damnit, Skeeter! How come every time a panda bear come in here you gotta go flappin' your jaw?

[Broflovski residence. Now it has massive front doors, five stories, and a water fountain just to the right of the doors. The garage itself is bigger than the house next to it. And the icicles are bigger, too. More furniture arrives]

Gerald:

[Kyle arrives] Well? What do you think, Kyle?

Kyle:

Dad? Don't you think our last new house is big enough?

Gerald:

Well, this one is bigger!

Kyle:

Tomorrow's trial, Everyone vs. Everyone, is gonna make things a lot worse! We have to stop it!

Gerald:

[kneels] Kyle, let me explain something to you.

Kyle:

[annoyed, looks askance] Hoh God, here we go.

Gerald:

You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And Democrats make sexual harassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace. And what we can and can't do in the workplace.

Kyle:

Isn't that fascism?

Gerald:

No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you understand?

Kyle:

Do you?

Gerald:

[rises] Just look at how big this house is, Kyle. Just look at it.

[South Park Bar. Stan, Cartman and Kenny enter. The three patrons are still there]

Stan:

[enters] 'Scuse me.

Barkeep:

Yeah? What can I do for you?

Stan:

Somebody told us they saw a big panda bear in here.

Barkeep:

Big panda bear, big panda bear, hm...

Skeeter:

Hey! Eight-year old! We don't take kindly to your types in here.

Barkeep:

Now, calm down, Skeeter. They ain't hurtin' nobody.

Skeeter:

No! [approaches Stan] I wanna know som'in' from Mr. I'm Eight Years Old here! How come you types are always wearin' them funny padded shirts in the winter?!

Stan:

...Coats?

Barkeep:

Now, Skeeter, I don't want no trouble.

Patron with hat:

[pointing at Stan] We don't take kindly to your types around here!

Stan:

Dude, what the hell is going in?!

Cartman:

Did you guys see a big panda bear in here, or not?

Skeeter:

[pounds the counter] We don't take kindly to panda bears!

Stan:

Well, we don't take kindly to you!

Patron with hat:

[pointing at Stan] Well, we don't take kindly to folks that don't take kindly around here. [they look anew at each other, and nothing more is said among them]

Barkeep:

Kids, there was a panda bear in here. He said somethin' about the Island of Misfit Mascots.

Cartman:

Where's that?

Barkeep:

If I'm not mistaken, it's over near the Jenkins' place.

Stan:

Come on, we'd better hurry. [the boys make their way past the men and leave]

Skeeter:

Whoa! Lookie her! [a blonde sits alone at the bar] Hey! Beautiful woman! [she sips a beer and lowers the bottle] We don't take kindly to your types around here!

Barkeep:

Nu-how, Skeeter. She ain't hurtin' nobody.

[End of act two. Time: 16:41]

[Courthouse, next day. Everyone vs. Everyone begins. Everyone is chattering in the audience]

Judge Julie:

This is Case No. 47g, Everyone vs. Everyone. [gavels, and all fall quiet] Representing the side of Everyone is Gerald Broflovski.

Gerald:

Thank you, Your Honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Everyone has committed a crime here, and Everyone must pay for that crime. My client, Everyone, has been hurt by this crime and must be compensated.

[The Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune. The boys reach the front gate]

Stan:

[reads] "Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune". This must be the place. [they enter]

Worm:

Hello there, boys.

Stan:

Whoa! Who are you?

Worm:

I'm Willy, the "Don't Stare Directly Into The Sun" Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?

Boys:

Yes.

Willy:

That can burn your retinas and make you blind. [pulls out some shades and a cane, puts on the shades, and sticks the cane out, to simulate a blind person, then puts his props away]

Stan:

...Thanks a lot, dude.

Pig:

[rushes up snapping two pairs of scissors around] Oink oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky, the "Run Around With Scissors" Pig.

Cartman:

I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.

Willy:

That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit Mascots. [Oinky walks away]

Stan:

Have you seen any panda bears?

Willy:

Hm...

Falcon:

[shows up behind the boys] Hey, kids! I'm Jimmy, the "Don't Hold On To A Large Magnet While Someone Else Uses A Fan Nearby" Falcon!

Kyle:

What??

Jimmy:

Here, watch. [hands a large magnet to Kenny, then walks to a wind-generating fan and turns it on. As the blades rev up, the magnet tugs at Kenny]

Kenny:

(You guys, come get this fucking magnet noooowwww!) [the magnet pulls him into the blades, and he's chopped up into bits] (Argh--!)

Jimmy:

See?

Stan:

Oh my God! They killed Kenny!

Kyle:

You bastards! [looks further on] Hey! There he is! [Petey, the Sexual Harassment Panda, seated on a bench while a whale and an octopus dance to his song]

Petey:

Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?Sexual Harassment Panda[the boys rush up, and the whale and octopus leave]

Stan:

Dude, are we glad to find you! You have to come back to South Park, quick!

Petey:

Why?

Kyle:

Because! Everyone is suing everyone else, and you're pretty much the cause of it all!

Please, Sexual Harassment Panda. People listen to you. You have to get them to stop suing each other.

Petey:

But, I'm just a panda.

Kyle:

No you're not, dude! You're a guy in a panda costume![All mascots within hearing distance turn to see the cause of this outburst]

Willy:

[rushes over to Petey and the boys] Heeyy, I'm a real worm, pal!!

Kyle:

Okay, sorry, sorry.

Cartman:

You're-you're a worm. That's that's cool, that's cool.

Stan:

[to Petey] Okay, yyou are a panda. But being Sexual Harassment Panda isn't helping anyone right now. You used to use your panda powers to teach people about sexual harassment. But now you need to teach a new message. A new massage that people will find useful again.

Petey:

What message?

Kyle:

That people shouldn't sue each other all the time.

Petey:

...You know? You little cubs might just be right.

Willy:

Yeah!

Petey:

[jumps up and stands] Okay!

[Courthouse. Closing arguments begin.]

Gerald:

Your honor, I'd like to make my closing arguments.

Kyle:

[bursting in] Wait! [Stan, Cartman, and Petey follow]

Mr. Garrison:

Hey, it's Sexual Harassment Panda.

Stan:

[faces the audience] No! He's a whole new panda now, and he's got something to say.

Petey:

Hello, everyone. I'm Petey, the "Don't Sue People" Panda.

Jimbo:

"Don't Sue People" Panda? [the bar patrons are present]

Skeeter:

[stands up] Hey! We don't take kindly to folks that don't sue people 'round here!

Barkeep:

Nuhow, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.

Petey:

Listen to me: when you sue somebody, it hurts everyone. You sue for money, but where do you think that money comes from? From the schools, from taxes, from the state. From you. [The courtroom is silent, listening] There's no such thing as free money. When you sue somebody, you take money away from parks and schools and charities, and put it in your own pocket. And that makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda. [reactions are seen in the faces of various people in the courtroom, even in Gerald's face.]

Bearded man:

I'm a sad panda, too.

Man 1:

I'm a really sad panda. I didn't know we were doing all that damage. This is all that damn lawyer's fault! [people get angry at Gerald]

Man 2:

[rises] Yeah! Let's sue the lawyer!

All:

[rising] Yeah!

Gerald:

[approaches Petey and the boys] No! Don't you see? Th-the panda's right. Boy, what a great message he has! When you sue people, you just end up causing a lot of problems for society. Uhwell, I've really learned something today. All I could see was the millions of dollars coming to me and I didn't care about where the money came from. Well, I'm no longer doing sexual harassment lawsuits in schools! They're too vague and two easily corruptible. Thank you, Sexual Harassment Panda!

Well, seeing as we have no lawyers, I'm throwing the case out. Case dismissed! [gavels and leaves the bench]

Skeeter:

[people in the audience leave] Hey! We don't take too kindly to cases being dismissed around here!

Barkeep:

[passing by] God damnit, Skeeter, shut the hell up.

[End of act three. Time: 20:55]

[Public Service Announcement]

Petey:

Hello, cubs. I'm "Don't Sue People" Panda, with an important message for you! Lawsuits damage our society. I know it's tempting to make money, but just remember: that money has to come from somewhere. And usually, it ends up hurting a lot of innocent people. So, until next time, don't let frivolous sexual harassment lawsuits ruin our schools. Good-bye now. [walks off]