by Delphine DiTecco

20 Dec 2016

3 Ways To Better Communicate In Bed

The New Year is a great time to better ourselves, including our relationships and sex lives! Just like anything else, sex isn’t always perfect, and sometimes there can be some aspects that we would really like to improve on. Maybe there is something you have always wanted to try, maybe there is something your partner does that you don’t really like, or maybe you just want a better sex life over all! So how do you communicate these kind of things with your partner? It can definitely feel intimidating or awkward to bring these things up, and no one wants to hurt the other person’s feelings! So, here are some tips on how to better communicate when it comes to sex.

Help the other person communicate!

Okay so you want great sex, but you both aren’t the best communicators and you don’t know how to open a dialogue. If you can get your partner to communicate more about what they like, they will open up more in general and start asking you the same, so this is a great way to get the ball rolling. It’s not just about being good about saying what you like, but it’s also about asking the right questions. Here is what I mean: it’s always a great starting point to ask a person what they like, but if you are mid session or even before or after and you just ask a general question such as “what do you like?” it can throw the person off.

With such an open ended question they may not know what to answer because they are kind of being put on the spot which can be uncomfortable. They probably won’t want to ask something too crazy because they aren’t sure how you will react, and they probably won’t want to sound too boring either. These kind of questions can often lead to answers such as “uhhhh whatever you like!”, which isn’t helping either of you get anywhere. So how do you solve this?

Go for SPECIFICS!

Ask your partner to make a choice (e.g., do you want me to touch you with my hands or tongue?, Do you want me to be gentle or rough?). By asking your partner to decide between two things, you are taking the pressure off them, and since you suggested both things, they will feel comfortable that you are down with both options! It will be much less stressful for them and it will excite you both when they make that choice. Something else you can do is ask if they would like a specific thing (e.g. would you find it hot if we did it in the kitchen?”), then they can easily answer yes. If you are on the receiving end of such a question, it is a perfect opportunity to express yourself. If you don’t think you would like what they are suggesting, instead of saying a straight up NO, take the opportunity to express something you would like (e.g., it would actually be even hotter to me in the backyard!) Once you open the door to communication you can have a lot of fun discovering what you each like and trying out new things.

Focus on the positive!

This is very important, positive reinforcement works best! While you are having sex, you want to make it very clear when your partner is doing something you like. Moans and sounds of pleasure are great at getting this across, but you know what’s even better? Saying that you really like it! There is no reason to be shy because everyone love’s hearing that they are doing a good job! You can be more precise by saying things like keep doing that, I like that spot, etc. If you want them to remember something was good, be clear. Another good trick is to do a recap post sex. After intercourse is over you can tell your partner what things you really liked (e.g., it was sooo hot when we were in that position!), it will boost their ego, get you both excited for next time and once again get the ball rolling for communication. When discussing this, it’s also a great time to suggest future plans; “next time we should try that position but reverse!”

When things do not feel good. Sometimes things can hurt, or be awkward, or you are just not into it. The first step to fixing this problem is realizing that THIS IS OK. Crappy sex and awkward moments can happen, it’s a part of life. If you can let go of the idea that it doesn’t have to be perfect always, you will be able to see awkward moments as funny things you will laugh about in the future and you won’t take it to heart if your partner tells you they aren’t really into something. A recent study demonstrated that couples who believe that sex is something that you can work on and improve, have happier sex lives than those who believe that good sex depends on a good partner.

The reason why these couples come out on top is because they do not start to doubt their relationship when the sex isn’t perfect, they are more open to communication, and they both make an effort towards having good sex. So yes, sometimes you may just have to flat out say you don’t like something (of course if you can, try to frame this in a less hurtful way by telling them to vary what they are doing, e.g., I would love it if you were a bit more gentle, it’s even more sexy to me when we kiss a lot, etc.), but if you believe that effort can lead to good sex and that sex isn’t always perfect, little criticisms wont destroy your egos or relationships. You can be the best cook in the world, and still sometimes burn your toast, so don’t take suggestions the wrong way. The key to good sex is communication, listening to your partner, openness, understanding, effort and patience (kinda the same things that are needed for a good relationship!)