Mike Argento: 2014 in review

As many in the media spend this time to review what happened in 2013, it occurred to me that most of you have lived through that stuff, and since it was only a few months ago, you probably remember it.

It seemed that it would more useful to review things that haven't happened yet. So, now, 2014 in review.

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Jan. 1 -- The new year begins on a happy note as Dick Clark helps ring in 2014 on Times Square despite having been dead for two years. As the crowd breaks into "Auld Land Syne," Clark storms onto CNN's set and eats Anderson Cooper's brain while comic Kathy Griffin wisecracks, "Just a little snack."

Jan. 19 -- Hilary Clinton, appearing on "Meet The Press," deflects questions as to whether she will run for president in 2016, saying she wishes to spend more time with her family.

Jan. 28 -- President Obama delivers his State of the Union Address in which he proposes a constitutional amendment proclaiming kittens as "cute as the dickens." Republican House Speaker John Boehner responds that the amendment will never pass the House unless it also includes puppies -- and even then, it will be dead-on-arrival because the American people hate kittens and puppies. Tea party members of the House promise to begin impeachment proceedings.

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Feb. 2 -- The Philadelphia Eagles end a miraculous run through the NFL playoffs by defeating the Denver Broncos, 62-61, in Super Bowl XLVIII in New Jersey. MVP LeSean McCoy attributes the run to the team's ritualistic sacrifice of Michael Vick before the playoffs, cleansing the team, for once and for all, of the bad dog karma that haunted the team since signing Vick.

Michael Vick

Feb. 2 -- Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his den and is immediately gunned down by George Zimmerman -- who, in his defense, says he felt threatened by the marmot and was merely standing his ground. Gov. Tom Corbett, in an attempt to bolster his dismal approval rating, says, "The groundhog clearly was asking for it."

Feb. 20 -- The Sochi Winter Olympics are rocked when Pussy Riot wins the curling finals in a last minute comeback against Canada, which files a protest against the all-female punk group. claiming its insistence on curling while naked was "distracting" and "almost made us spill our beers." Russian President Vladimir Putin postpones the execution of members of the punk band until "nobody's paying attention."

Phil Robertson

March 15 -- Documents released by whistleblower Edward Snowden reveal that the National Security Agency's embarked on a massive spy program -- tracking billions of phone calls and emails -- in order to stalk that one girl from 10th grade who refused to go out with it. The NSA denied the accusation, saying that it devised the program to protect Americans from terroristic threats and that its constant surveillance of Mary Ann Lambeau of Green Bay, Wis., is vital to national security.

March 25 -- The House of Representatives' Government Oversight Committee convenes hearings to determine whether the Obama Administration is culpable for the disappearance of that Taco Bell chihuahua. Whatever happened to him?

April 1 -- Corbett announces that his proposal to sell the state lottery to a couple of guys from Jersey named Vic was merely an elaborate April Fool's joke.

April 15 -- The world is shocked when a Best Buy store in suburban Minneapolis is destroyed by an Amazon drone. Amazon releases a statement regretting the error and offers to give Best Buy Amazon Prime membership, free, for 90 days.

April 29 -- Phil Robertson of the popular reality show "Duck Dynasty" sets off a firestorm of criticism when he denounces Norwegians as "weird pickled-fish-eating weirdos." A&E immediately suspends him, citing its dedication to Norwegian rights. Norway responds by saying, "Who?"

Edward Snowden

May 4 -- Hilary Clinton, appearing on "This Week," says she has not made up her mind about running for president in 2016, but adds that spending time with her family is "getting really old." "I mean, how many times do I have to tell Bill that I have no idea where his Big Johnson Spring Break T-shirt is?" she says.

May 15 -- Something really terrible happens and, for a brief time, everybody is united in their grief and shock over the terrible thing. That lasts all of 20 seconds.

May 29 -- A person nobody ever heard of is fired after it is revealed that the person posted something on Twitter that nobody read. The person is immediately given a show on Fox News.

June 19 -- House Republicans vote to repeal the Affordable Care Act for the 120th time, saying that it did so because "there was nothing good on TV."

July 4 -- America has a birthday and falls into a deep depression, relieved only when it buys a new Harley, gets a tattoo and begins dating an exotic dancer named Tiffani.

August -- Nothing happens in August, except on the 17th when America pauses to celebrate the 56th birthday of former Go-Gos singer Belinda Carlisle.

Sept. 9 -- The Pennsylvania governor's race heats up when Corbett loses a debate with a bag of rocks. A focus group interviewed afterwards tells pollsters that the rocks are not only smarter, but are much more likable than the current governor.

Sept. 28 -- Appearing on "Meet the Press," Hilary Clinton says she might run for president if she is able to raise $25,000 on Kickstarter.

Oct. 31 -- An Amazon drone strafes a Walmart store in Biloxi, Miss. Amazon apologizes and attributes the attack to an incorrect ZIP code on the original order.

Nov. 4 -- Corbett loses his bid for a second term as Pennsylvania's governor to a 1982 Ford Escort.

Dec. 12 -- The NSA is arrested outside Mary Ann Lambeau's house, where it had been sitting in its car and watching her house through binoculars. The NSA, in its defense, says it was merely trying to protect America because Mary Ann had been acting suspiciously lately and just last week, confronted the NSA and said something about leaving her alone or she's going to call the cops.

Dec. 31 -- The year comes to an end with zombie Anderson Cooper biting off Kathy Griffin's nose. Dick Clark approves.

Mike Argento's column appears Mondays and Fridays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints. Reach him at mike@ydr.com or 771-2046. Read more Argento columns at www.ydr.com/mike. Or follow him on Twitter at @FnMikeArgento.