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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Reshuffled

‘Turn on the
news,’ said Sara, ‘I can’t wait to hear the latest on Constable Chilufya’s
reshuffles!’

As I turned on
the TV, there he sat, in yet another new suit, unsmiling behind the huge
arrangements of flowers.’

‘Following my
reshuffles of last night,’ began the Constable, ‘I have had complaints from
Southern Province that I should not have put Chirundu as part of Lusaka
Province, nor moved Itezhi Tezhi to Central Province. Since this is a listening
government, I have now moved Chirundu District from Lusaka to Eastern Province,
and I have picked up Itezhi Tezhi from Central Province and dropped it into
Western Province.

‘In line with the Provincial
Fiasco policy of decentralization, and in conformity with my usual practice of
wide consultation, I have asked each of my provincial ministers to suggest
which of the Southern Province districts they would like to be moved to their
province.’

‘In my opinion,’
said Sara, ‘a tourist attraction like Mosi-o-Tunya should be moved to Lusaka.’

‘And what’s more,’
I said, ‘It could solve the water shortage in Ng’ombe.’

‘This
decentralization policy,’ declared the Constable gravely, ‘is also affecting
local government. As part of this new policy of devolving power to the people I
have instructed the Minister of Local Government to instruct the Mayor of
Lusaka to instruct his councilors that, with immediate effect, I have moved
Kabulonga to Kaunda Square, Kaunda Square to Rhodes Park, and Rhodes Park to
Kabulonga.’

‘The Constable
has just moved to a bigger house,’ said Sara.

‘With immediate
effect,’ I laughed.

‘And now,’ said
the Constable, ‘I come to some of the wider consequences of my decentralization
policy which also touch on our policy of abolishing school fees.’

‘Ah ha!’ said
Sara. ‘Now this is something! I never thought he’d do it!’

‘Since we have a
large surplus of educated young people,’ declared the Great Leader, ‘we are not
only abolishing school fees, but also abolishing schools. With immediate
effect.’

‘How is this
decentralization?’ I wondered.

‘Just wait for
it,’ laughed Sara.

‘Education will
no longer be centralized in schools. Instead young people will be given an
opportunity to decentralize their education by individually seeking
entrepreneurial and other life-changing experiences. All school buildings will
be turned into prisons for members of the previous government.’

‘Instead of
providing boring punishment for children,’ said Sara, ‘schools can now do the same
job for adults.’

‘In order to
keep the former Minister of Education employed,’ continued the Constable, ‘I have
instead given him the portfolios of Netball, Artwork, Gender and Other
Entertainments.’

‘I wonder if he
consulted the women about that,’ said Sara.

‘And now,’
declared the Constable, ‘I come to the more central aspects of my
decentralization policy. I have decided that we cannot have our centre of
government in a central capital city which is centralized at the centre,
because this contradicts our policy of decentralization. Therefore, with
immediate effect, I am moving the capital to Mpika. Plans have already been
laid for building this new capital, which will be completed in only two months,
starting in March and finishing in December.’

‘I think you
missed the news on Monday,’ I laughed, ‘when he reshuffled the months.’

‘This building
of a new capital,’ continued the Constable remorselessly, ‘is also in
conformity with our election promise to increase employment in the country. A
tender has already been awarded to Fling Up Company Ltd of Shanghai, which has
already been awarded an extra 500,000 visas and work permits.’

‘What!’ shouted
Sara. ‘What about jobs for Zambians?’

‘Of course,’
declared the Constable, ‘this building of a new capital city will not only
boost our economy, but will put new strains on the labour market. Therefore I
have decided to reshuffle the Labour portfolio…’

‘Again!’ shouted
Sara. ‘It was reshuffled only last week!’

‘I have been
very disappointed with the work of Feckless Shamika. Within the past ten days I
have twice appointed him to the Labour portfolio, but each time he has failed
to reach his office…’

‘He has been
reshuffled to so many portfolios in the past two weeks,’ said Sara, ‘and the
poor fellow can’t walk very fast because he’s very old and confused. No sooner
had he shuffled off in the direction of one office than somebody told him
that he had been reshuffled, and he would then have to shuffle off in the direction
of another office. He never managed to reach any of them.’

‘… Therefore,' said the Constable, 'I am now appointing the former Chinese Ambassador, Comrade Wok Fo Less, as the
new Minister of Labour. I have the
greatest respect for the work of Comrade Wok, who served as my very able
advisor during the very public nervous breakdown of a former Minister of
Labour, Mr Chipembele Kamwilimwili.

‘While I am away
working at the New State House in Mpika, Comrade Wok Fo Less will be working at
the Old State House to supervise the immigration of all the Chinese bricklayers
and labourers and their relatives who …’

‘Comrade Wok Fo
Less is in charge at State House!’ shouted Sara angrily. ‘What sort of
decentralization is this?’

‘Chinese
decentralization,’ I replied. ‘A very successful policy. We have just been made a province of China.’

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[Kalaki's thanks go to his friends who contributed to the Facebook discussion on reshuffles,
and especially to those whose ideas he pinched]