If I Were a Rich Woman

I write for a living. In other words, I ain’t rich.

Some years ago, we made a truly horrific mistake. We moved to the best area and into the worst house to be in walking distance of our son’s school. Yes, there were other choices, but we were taken in by the “Location! Location! Location!” credo, which, to Mrs. Plotkin of Millennium 3 Reality, was an 614th Commandment, falling somewhere between loshon hara and not embarrassing others. (Embarrassing ourselves, however, was another matter.)

So we bought “location” and a relic that was no doubt the original set for the diner scene in Bus Stop. In rotten neighborhoods these are called fixer-uppers. In good neighborhoods, they’re called “carriage houses.” (Much like the distinction between nuts and eccentric.) In fairness, the living room was huge.

According to the original blueprints written in something resembling hieroglyphics, the living room must’ve been added on later -- when the “people” got taller. But the rest resembled a railroad flat, flanking the “real” houses with actual rooms.

I first knew there was trouble when my son wondered why I didn’t wear diamonds to open school night “like all the other mommies,” or fetch him in a Lamborghini. He wasn’t spoiled, merely observant. Even a kid could see the difference between a Donna Karan blazer and a sweatshirt that read, “How can I Control My Life if I Can’t Control My Hair?”

While being a minnow in Lake Superior is no shame, in the words of Tevye, it’s no great honor either.

My reply? “I’m a writer.” Boom! After all, in New York City, virtually all of our “creative” friends, regardless of fame, reveled in “shabby chic.” “Creatives” don’t have to be rich “outside.” We have inner wealth! We deal in ideas, values, quirk! Yeah, that’s the mantra. And for years I got away with it.

But, while being a minnow in Lake Superior is no shame, in the words of Tevye, it’s no great honor either.

Finally, my son, realizing our views were markedly different from our neighbors, asked me, when, in my opinion, you were “rich” – on the “outside?”

Here’s my crumpled list.

20 Ways you know you’re really rich (on the outside)

You tell your family, “Look, if you don’t want it, just throw it out” without mentioning starving children or digging around the junk drawer to find an aluminum foil square small enough to wrap up the top half of an Oreo.

You buy new underwear before the old ones disintegrate -- in Woolite.

You wear them on regular days, not just state occasions, like your wedding.

You leave half a tuna melt on your plate and don’t ask for a doggie bag.

You buy toilet paper and tissues for the pattern.

When something breaks, such as an air conditioner, heater, fridge, or toilet, you don’t “wait it out” for a season or two.

True, we should be turning back to more spiritual values, especially in this economy. Yet, far too many have taken our cues from the media, and the “reality TV” people, where “rich” is nothing short of a sailboat the size of Lake Mead, a wardrobe by Versace and a 25,000 square foot “family-media room” (for a family that hasn’t spoken to each other since their therapist told them to take a “time out” in 1983.)

And so the “Location! Location! Location!” people are still in business. True, I should have erected a FOR SALE sign right then and moved to a Location! Location! Location! that was a little bit more affordable…like in the Arctic tundra for example. One where the nearest neighbor’s prized possession would their values – and a block of ice.

But, knowing human nature, no doubt some fool would soon move in and put up a bigger something in ice. And then, the neighbor on the left would carve a little something in his ice, prompting the one down the street to hire a sculptor to make a small but tasteful statue, leading to the guy around the corner erecting a Georgian igloo with Waterford windows, which would ...

About the Author

Quirky, no-nonsense, funny, Marnie – writer, editor, author, lecturer, clinician, and administrator -- is a straight-shooter, who has a distinctive voice and takes on the world in her columns, features, and books. Her advice column was syndicated through Tribune Media Services, and it currently appears in Singular magazine as Singular Solutions. Marnie has written over 20 books/calendars, including the series “A Little Joy, A Little Oy." Her books include Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother and A Little Joy, A Little Oy (pub. AndrewsMcMeel). She is also an award-winning “calendar queen” having written over 20. She has been nominated for both an Emmy and Writers Guild award.Thefullwiki.org has listed Marnie Macauley on their list of top Jewish_American writers, dead or living. (She’s still deciding which.) She was also chosen as a Distinguished Woman in Las Vegas in March of 2014.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 5

(5)
Julia,
March 25, 2014 10:35 PM

Great great great!

Reframing - we all need a dose of it. Thank you!

(4)
Feivel,
July 6, 2011 3:02 PM

Good humort - real satire

Truth is funnier than fiction; especially when we have the gumption to poke fun at our foibles. So our brilliant historienne is an excellent humorist also.

(3)
Chaiah Schwab,
July 6, 2011 3:33 AM

Thank G-d I don't have TV!

I don't have a TV, so my home always seemed the right size for us! OK, I admit I'm an artist, so I'm not normal, but, really, why should I envy someone who has so many more square feet to heat in the winter and cool in the summer than I have? My energy bills are tiny compared to theirs! I raised 8 kids and never needed a designer-label anything. People, get real! True happiness NEVER comes from possessions.

(2)
melanie chartoff,
July 5, 2011 11:03 PM

Your list

moved me from listless, to laughing what remains of my behind off. Some of your entries, however, are so habitual for wealthy folks I know, that it's the only way they know, having once been poor, they have retained good values. Thanks!

(1)
Halli,
July 5, 2011 2:10 PM

"best" neighborhood?

Bah, the only thing that rubbed me the wrong way was right in the beginning, when you should have written "most expeinsive" neighborhood. "Most expensive" doesn't always mean best.

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My Christian friends are always speaking about “faith.” To me this sounds a lot like blind faith. Is that really the essence of religion?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I'm afraid that this is another case of a Christian concept being mis-associated with Judaism.

Let's first define our terms. What is faith?

Webster defines faith as "Belief without proof."

What is knowledge? "An acquaintance with truth, facts or principles through study or investigation."

Faith is usually a product of desire. Have you ever gotten a tip on the market that guarantees you're going to triple your money in a month? A lot of smart people have gotten fleeced because they ignored the evidence and went with their feelings.

Knowledge, on the other hand, is based on evidence. We know there's a place called China because we have too many products in our house saying "made in China." There's a lot of evidence for the existence of China, even though most of us have never been there.

Judaism unequivocally comes down on the side of knowledge, not faith. In Deuteronomy 4:39, the Torah says: "You shall know this day, and understand it well in your heart, that the Almighty is God; in the heaven above and the earth below, there is none other." (This verse is also contained in the prayer, "Aleynu.")

This verse tells us that it is not enough to simply know in your head, intellectually, that God is the Controller of everything. You must know it in your heart! This knowledge is much more profound than an intellectual knowledge. God gave us a brain because he wants us to think rationally about the world, our role in it, and our relationship with God.

A conviction based on desire or feelings alone has no place in Judaism. The Hebrew word "emunah," which is often translated as faith, does not describe a conviction based on feelings or desire. It describes a conviction that is based on evidence.

Once this knowledge is internalized, it effects how a person lives. A person with this knowledge could transform every breathing moment into a mitzvah, for he would do everything for the sake of the heaven. But this is not a "knowledge," that comes easily. Only intensive Torah learning and doing mitzvahs can achieve this knowledge. Every word of Torah we learn moves us just a little bit closer to that goal. And everyone is capable of that.

To learn more, read "The Knowing Heart," by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (Feldheim.com). This entire book is an explanation of this verse!

In 350 BCE, the building of the second Holy Temple was completed in Jerusalem, as recorded in the biblical Book of Ezra (6:15). The re-building of the Temple had begun under Cyrus when the Persians first took over the Babylonian empire. The re-building was then interrupted for 18 years, and resumed with the blessing of Darius II, the Persian king whom is said to be the son of Esther. The Second Temple lacked much of the glory of the First Temple: There was no Ark of the Covenant, and the daily miracles and prophets were no longer part of the scenery. The Second Temple would stand for 420 years, before being destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE.

You shall know this day and consider it within your heart(Deuteronomy 4:39).

Business people who are involved in many transactions employ accountants to analyze their operations and to determine whether or not they are profitable. They may also seek the help of experts to determine which products are making money and which are losing. Such studies allow them to maximize their profits and minimize their losses. Without such data, they might be doing a great deal of business, but discover at the end of the year that their expenditures exceeded their earnings.

Sensible people give at least as much thought to the quality and achievement of their lives as they do to their businesses. Each asks himself, "Where am I going with my life? What am I doing that is of value? In what ways am I gaining and improving? And which practices should I increase, and which should I eliminate?"

Few people make such reckonings. Many of those that do, do so on their own, without consulting an expert's opinion. These same people would not think of being their own business analysts and accountants, and they readily pay large sums of money to engage highly qualified experts in these fields.

Jewish ethical works urge us to regularly undergo cheshbon hanefesh, a personal accounting. We would be foolish to approach this accounting of our very lives with any less seriousness than we do our business affairs. We should seek out the "spiritual C.P.A.s," those who have expertise in spiritual guidance, to help us in our analyses.

Today I shall...

look for competent guidance in doing a personal moral inventory and in planning my future.

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