Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Run Away! Instinct of Survival

Recently I was reading the Metro-North Commuter Railroad Company's bicycle permit regulations, and here is how they define a bicycle:

Definition: A bicycle is a single-seat, human powered, two wheeled vehicel with a wheel diameter not in excess of 27 inches. No mopeds, mini-bikes, motorbikes or motor scooters.
I was particularly incensed by the draconian wheel diameter limitation, to which I have the following reply:

Also, what's that crap about a bicycle only having one seat? Are they trying to tell me I can't ride the train with my "retambent?"

That's some bullshit right there. I'd threaten to take by business elsewhere, but the Long Island Railroad's rules are even worse:

Types of Bicycles: Single rider bicycles only; No tandem, motorized, or three wheeled bikes; no protrusions which could cause injury or damage. Maximum bicycle dimensions are 80" long x 48" high. Bikes must be clean and free of excessive dirt and grease at all times. Cyclist mus have a suitable elastic cord to secure the bike on the train.

That "free of excessive dirt and grease at all times" thing is a total dealbreaker, because each and every one of my bicycles is filthy at all times. Never trust anybody with a clean bicycle. It means they're hiding something and most likely suffer from Lady Macbeth syndrome. Who has the cleanest bicycles? Roadies. And they're all on drugs. Think about it. Also, the "no protrusions which could cause injury or damage" thing is kind of ridiculous, since pretty much every part of a bicycle is a protrusion which can cause injury or damage, and I have the scabs on my shins to prove it. If you remove every dangerous protrusion from a bicycle, you wind up with this:

I'm reading some after-the-electromagnetic pulse disaster novels where the electric grid has collapsed. Lots of people walking home or fleeing home on foot. In the vast majority of these novels there is no mention of any means of human transportation between a car and walking. So some guy has to walk home hundreds or thousands of miles across a post-apocalyptic landscape to get back to his family. Every person he comes across either is on foot or has some Mad Max truck fuel. What's with that?

In my opinion, the answer to this is very simple: Most Americans would rather perish than ride a bicycle. It's a fate worse than death. Therefore, if you're going for realism in your post-apocalyptic fiction naturally you're going to omit them. Maybe--maybe--you have a scene in which someone's getting attacked by some post-nuclear zombies, and he looks at a bicycle, then he looks at the zombies, then he looks back at the bicycle, and finally instead of fleeing on it he surrenders himself to the zombies and lets them eat him alive. Even in real-life disasters people only ride bicycles for as long as they have to and not a second more. Sure, after Supercane Hurristorm Sandy there was a temporary uptick in bike commuters in New York City, but vastly more people chose to wait on line for gas for 12 hours instead. I'd wager that most Sandy bike commuters pretend it never happened, like some ill-advised drunken liaison or that one time they ate horse in Belgium.

Naturally though they didn't, because it would have diluted the effect of the shopping cart as a metaphor for consumerism.

Scranus.

Speaking of survival, I've recently been coming to terms with how ill-suited to it I really am. In particular, like many cyclists, I am physically completely useless without a bicycle. Sure, at any given time I can manage a hundred mile ride without too much trouble or preparation, but once you take that bike away I'm utterly helpless. More to the point, I can't run. At all. This is pathetic, since running is our most basic means of danger avoidance. Sure, maybe if a lunatic came at me the burst of adrenaline might carry me for a block or two, but what about a post-apocalyptic scenario where mutants have already stolen my bicycle and my own two feets are my only remaining mode of transport? Shouldn't I at least be able to manage a brisk interborough trot in the interest of self-preservation?

Therefore, in a sad burst of stereotypical midlife shame over my body's depressing lack of functionality, I've resorted to running every now and again, during which I listen exclusively to this:

Sure, there were times in the past when I would run every now and again under the delusion that it would help me in cyclocross (it didn't, because when you suck, you suck, and I suck) but now I've been doing it just to do it, and I'm concerned about two things: 1) My knees possibly falling off, because they hurt; and 2) One day accidentally doing a triathlon. Obviously, it's that second one that's the scariest. Now don't get me wrong, I certainly don't plan to ever do a triathlon intentionally, but what happens if through no fault of my own or some bad planning I end up riding, swimming, and running all on the same day? Right now I feel like I'm messing around with two out of three ingredients in a triathlon, and if that third one falls into the mix somehow it will become volatile and I'll perish in an explosion of tri-dorkitude.

Still, the fact is that as the years go by you do all sorts of things you never thought you'd do, like running, or spraypainting your bald spot with barbecue grill paint, or participating a Gran Fondo--which I did last fall to my lasting shame. Even so, it's very unlikely that I'll do the Gran Fondo New York, though I did just receive a press release informing me that it's now the Campagnolo Gran Fondo New York:

The Gran Fondo New York is of course most famous for the fact that they tested for drugs last year and caught some sad Fred doping. It also costs $250, and between you and me, for only $175 I'll be happy to take you on the same route. Sure, you won't have a state-of-the-art timing chip, but there will be numerous "shaming climbs" during which I remind you of how badly you suck. (Provided I can keep up with you, which I almost assuredly can't.) Also, while I don't actually have drug testing equipment, you're more than welcome to pee in a cup anyway. Best of all, each participant in my gran Fondo gets a jersey. Unfortunately, it's this one, and you'll have to order it from Nashbar and pay for it yourself.

And if I get dropped or simply decide to turn around and go home, there will be no refunds.

Before we get to the MTA's plans, let's quickly look at the stats you are most interested in—how often do people actually get hit by the subway. And the answer, in 2012 at least, was 141 times. Of those incidents 51 were people who "contacted a moving train while on the platform," 54 were incidents were a passenger was "stuck on the tracks," 33 were suicides or attempted suicides and three were cases were a customer fell between cars.

Stephen King's characters in "The Stand" make use of bicycles to get out of Dodge. In fact, Larry smacks himself in the head when he realizes that he could have ridden a bicycle and be on the Maine coastline already instead of walking himself into exhaustion...

The reason you never see bicycles in the post apocalytic movies is the the characrters realize that it is harder to get shot whilst huffing and puffing and staggering from side to side down the road that it is to get shot whilst riding in a straight line and an even pace. Although Rob Lowe and that blonde goofball from Coach who voices Sponge Bob's friend did ride a bike cross country in the movie version of Stephen King's "The Stand"....Oh my Lord I need to read a book...

now that you're a runner you should consider a trip back to brooklyn for the semi annual prospect park duathlon. Every march and september. It's Fredtastic and at least it's not a tri. A good opportunity to remind yourself you can suck at two sports. it's fucking hard to make out these anti robot codes

Also, I think the big non-evil doers might be using the commentariate to help with the ocr robots for streetspy. For example, my robot challenge says "ichretra 600", but entering "ichretra 800" works too./paranoia

Didn't they ride motorcycles in The Stand? I seem to recall a bit in the book about how they had to use the overflow valves to siphon gas at the filling stations. Although, in their defense, there was no line, with everyone being dead and all.

Cool town, evening in the city Dressing so fine and looking so pretty Cool Fred, looking for a kitty Gonna look in every corner of the city Till I'm wheezing like a bus stop Running up the stairs, gonna meet you on the rooftop

i'm a long time runner (slow) and cyclist (slower) and i have to admit that as annoying as runners are cyclists, roadies specifically, are considerably more annoying. Now that you're a runner you'll have to share your thoughts on the subject in a future blog. I generally find runners to be just annoying dorky A-types, whereas roadies are inappropriately aggressive in addition of being annoying dorky A-types. probably it's the fact that they are on a bike so they can't be as easily chased down and beaten up for being an asshole to a total stranger.

I've resorted to the shameful practice of running, too, as it is a more compact (time-wise) workout. I kill myself in about an hour, rather than the three it takes to get really uncomfortable on a bike.

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After t-bonng a car on my bicycle at the end of the last millennium and waking up in the E.R., I found it 'psychologically difficult' to ride in the city for about a year. I went back to running for the first time since I was about 13 and had figured out that riding is more fun. A few months of that cured me of my cycling anxieties better than years of therapy could have.

My girlfriend has been wanting to get back into the gym routine for a while now. I recently suggested that, even though I loath it, we should do some running together, as a means of getting fitter and having a shared activity. I would've suggested cycling, but she is scared to death of riding on the streets.

The first part of the blogging post answers the last part. The deaths by subway get attention (and deaths by car do not) for the same reason that bikes get ignored, and walking is associated with civilizational collapse, in those post-apocalypse stories. To wit: cars can do no wrong, and life without them isn't life, or at least real American life.

They have those plexiglass subway partitions in China. Seems to work well, but of course the gov't doesn't give a shit about public discourse. On the flip side, people ride and drive aggressively out there and people are apparently mauled--not mulled--all the time.

I don't know what my point is other than to share about my experience.

It annoys me when people do that.

The main reason people don't ride in the apocolypse must be one of the following:

I'd use PEDs if I could find them... Unfortunately the only thing i'm worse at than riding my bike is finding drugs... and the internet... and maybe love making... and changing a tube... and getting enough fiber... and parenting (I don't have any kids but still)...

There was a rather good TV programme broadcast by the BBC in the 1970s entitled, "Survivors". It was set in a post plague world and I distinctly remember one of the characters nicking a bike, yes of course it was a road bike this was aeons before the knobbly tyred brigade appeared, and riding away on it. It sticks in my mind because the swine threw it over a wall when a tyre punctured. This vulnerability to punctures is probably why bikes don't feature much in older post-apocalypse fiction. Now that we have Schwalbe Marathons and kevlar liners we should see an increase in the No. of bikes in p-a fiction.

There's a recent book called Post-Apocalypse Dead Letter Office in which bike riders deliver letters after... well, it's not clear. The apocalypse, I guess that's clear, but what the apocalypse is isn't. Anyway, the book is about as exciting as it sounds.

1). There aren't any bikes in a post-apocalyptic world, because there is no place for smug people. They get eaten or killed first, just because they are smug.

2). The wooden bike with no protrusions will eventually develop splinters. I wonder if the paint contains lead?

3). The old timey bike is really a tricycle. And no trikes are allowed on the train. But I guess that's a distinction that doesn't make a difference. (My odd-ball brother recently bought a recumbant trike. He's going nowhere on that thing.)

4). If you can run and ride a bike, you can compete in a duathlon. It's a "special" multisport event for people who can't swim, i.e. it's for people who too dorky to be triathletes.

...so there i was, out on a bike ride along the hudson river greenway whilst visiting nyc when i happened to look over towards the river & spot a poor dolphin caught up, entangled & trapped in a large piece of free floating fishing net...

...without thought to personal danger, i dropped the bike, dove into the murky depths, swam over & began the struggle to free the terrified little guy whilst we were carried along downstream by the current...

...finally achieving success & the chattering approval of my new little water borne buddy plus the applause of several cheering bystanders, i swam back to shore wherein once there, being chilled by the hudsons cold waters, i ran back upriver to collect my bike & began the long ride back downtown...

...so, the obvious moral here is that as much as one despises & makes fun of triathletes, be careful of your cruel words because triathlons sometimes just happen in real life...

...okay, okay, so i made this story up, it didn't really happen but i think i made my point, ya ???...

...was it the fact that i didn't choke & drown on a piece of crap in the dirty hudson that gave me away ???...the reality that the bystanders would a' been yelling & jeering ???...

S. M. Stirling is a Fantasy writer who has a pretty successful series about a post apocalypse America. A snippet from the synopsis is here:

"The survivors are those who adapt most quickly, either by making it to the country and growing their own crops—or by taking those crops from others by force. Chief among the latter is a former professor of medieval history with visions of empire, who sends bicycling hordes of street thugs into the countryside."

So, there are exceptions to Mad-Max stories! Bicycle hordes of street thugs!!! Imagine the horror! Unless you were one of those thugs, than imagine the power!

first, if you do a triathelon then SO HELP ME GOD i'm going to KILL MYSELF!!!! and i'll do it by RUNNING and throwing myself in front of a train.

Second, bully for you SNooBers for providing us with content that on most days primarily consists of complete and udder rubbish, but then on other days surprises with journalistic excellence.

I think that is an incredible point you make about the money that will go to some crazy subway barrierway contraption, whereas NO money or legal resources (legal like lawyers/judicial system, not legal like "she's 18 and loves to swallow") to protecting cyclist.

Very well done Sir. Very well done indeed.

(p.s. - udder rubbish is the dried creamy residue left on a nursing mothers nipples after a feeding)

Stating the obvious: ye olde 28 x 1 1/2" wheel diameter is larger than 27", so my Pashley Guv'nor would not be allowed on Metro-North Commuter Railroad, and I would have to ride it through everyday pre apocalyptic reality (given I live there which of course is not the case).

The cycle-shopping cart pic must be post-apol because the cart is empty.

The piano could be hooked up to a bike the same way as the shopping cart was. Then you can tool on down the highway smoking a cig and drinking a cuppo, while also playing the piano. I mean the guy in the vid did it (drank, smoked and played).

bikesgonewild@3:21: Chesley Sullenberger would have saved both of you.

William Devane in Testament is a kick-ass rider in an L.A. suburb who enjoys the heck out of life and bike riding and gets nuked by the R$%^skies. But there weren't any bikes after the bomb, though, so I don't know if it qualifies. It was a very touching movie.

...flyover bc...i guess i coulda had it with me saving the two people in that plane that just crashed into the hudson on sunday but frankly, i'd rather save a dolphin...even if it's wearing a condom & pantyhose...

...let's not lose track of the real issue here & i believe that would be that while it's okay to make fun of triathletes for their funny cloths & lousy bike handling skills (& prob'ly a lotta other stuff), we must accept them because they're almost like real people & we shouldn't forget that, ya ???...

In my imagination, I've only saved a boatload of marooned cheerleaders. It was sort of like Gilligan's Island, except I was the only guy and the girls' luggage was lost at sea, and their clothes were in very ragged condition.

There are a bunch of knuckleheads with engineering personality disorder where I work who LOVE to discuss post-apocalyptic lifestyles. Mostly about guns and secret hideouts and guns. When I ask them about their vehicle choices I get blank stares from most. One guy launched into a description of his 3 cylinder turbo diesel pickup and how he will grow, harvest, process his own bio-fuel. None of them have ever even thought about a bicycle, because bicycles just aren't part of the fantasy. Kurt Vonnegut said that scifi and porn were both unreasonably optimistic; maybe post apocalyptic fantasy is too pessimistic to include sex or bikes?

Oh dear God, I've heard it all. My brother and his wife are spending a couple of months touring India, and today I received a letter detailing how her SheWee suffered catastrophic failure on a twelve hour train ride. EEEEEEWWWWWWWW.

It's pre-apocalypse and we don't take care of the roads. I'm betting we'll be even more lax post-apocalypse. And since zombies don't use vehicles (they just shamble), a bike should be OK to outrun them. Just don't turn around to look at them and then fall down. Common mistake among runners. I think chamois cream will become scarce post-apocalypse, so maybe I'll invest in some. And food. No guns though. The people who sell the ammo will probably charge a lot -- like taking my guns away from me once they figure out I'm out of ammo. There's certainly a lot to think about.

Hey, I read one of those S.M. Stirling books. Dies the Fire. The so-called "Change" had just happened. Definitely plenty of bikes mentioned. But also, in a move that betrays the author's probable sci-fi-fantasy-geek/S.C.A. origins, I noticed a lot more of the horseback with the swords and the archery and the chainmail and whatnot. Probably the main reason he decided to write about a future that so closely resembles the past in terms of technology, was to include all that stuff.

Referring to th'pocalypse as "the Change" made it easy to write, a few too many times in one book, lines like "My scranus is always itchy. Or WAS, before the Change." Or "People are always getting run over by the subway. Or DID, before the Change."

I'd still recommend it.

Know what else, I'm about to experimenting with totally blowing-off the fucking illegible numeric part of the KAP-TCHAW.

Late to post because I'm a roadie and today's ride left my bike mighty schmutzig, but....get on it SNOB and organize a disorganized ride. Please waive the entry fee for all dopes or doped riders. You'll have a quite a crew, if you decide to indulge your audience.

James Howard Kunstler writes a lot of post-apocolypse "speculative fiction" which he thinks is going to come true ANY DAY NOW. It's really good, fun to read because it shows people actually figuring shit out and making the best of it. In "World Made By Hand," he addresses the uselessness of the bike by pointing out that nobody will be able to get a tire or a tube. And the roads will be fucked (the badasses in his book ride horses). Seems to me that for the right incentives, people will find a way to make bike tires in their kitchen or garage After The Shit Comes Down. And we won't care much about the state of roads. But hey, he's the one writing the books.

It appears that some people think a pair of bike tires lasts about as long as a tank of gas. We would eventually use up all the bike tires if no one made more, but it's not exactly a high tech undertaking. Millions of people would starve first, so there would be plenty of tires to go around.

WCRM, you've a fellow spirit in Robbie McEwen. This is from his autobiography that I just finished: "You see a lot of ex-professionals who never got over their careers, and I've got no plans whatsoever to be one of them. Other guys I've known who have retired have told me that, when the moment comes, be sure. Otherwise, you just end up talking about it a lot, pining for it, and the next thing you know you're entering triathlons."

The book "One the Beach" is a classic post-apocalyptic novel where they ride bicycles to get around because gas is too precious. But it is set in Australia, not USA. I also do not recommend reading it unless you like stories where everyone dies in the end.

If your knees are killing you from jogging you might try fruit smoothies with flax seed oil and protein powder. Trail running is low impact too, and you don't have to breathe truck fumes and dodge pedestrians while as you go. Just a thought. I enjoy your blog. Cheers.

Bringing my old British roadster (635 diameter rims aka 700B) on Metro North, documenting their acceptance of this wheel size, and then getting the personnel responsible in deep shit for allowing it (aka not doing their job)!

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!