It’s about 4:00 a.m where I’m sitting. In about seven hours my amazing kid sis goes in for surgery, and the family is insulating me. I hate being insulated. I want to know how are they going to stop a big bleeding ulcer? So people don’t want to tell me so I don’t get upset. But not knowing is making me upset.

I’ve already had my panic attack. The hallucination about the fire hit me as well. I was trying to find my sis in the fire like I always do, but she’s not here. My Dad had to sort of talk me down from this one. The voices are just playing and playing. Telling me I’m too whacko to understand what’s going on and that’s why no one will tell me, I’m too stupid to know. The hypnotist has been chattering with all the ways she going to die. The tactile hallucinations are amping up too, something is breathing down my neck. I am just about ready to jump out of my skin. But I am trying to breath and calm down. I’m back up to 4 cigarettes now. But I am not going to run off screaming into the dark morning.

My cross-wired laugh has already kicked in. I want to cry, but I can’t. Dad is here with me at my place, he talked me through some hard core night mares and some mental ghost. We’re going to go see the kid before she goes into surgery. I am fighting my focus like a fish on a line trying to wrangle it in. I want to come off like I can be calm. I want to appear calm and helpful so I’m trusted enough to be told what in the #$%* is going on.

I’ve been trying to sit here and breathe deep and not focus on my head and read what others are fighting down. I’m not the only one in the boat of bad nights and panic. Thank you all for being here.

Try not to let the head circus dictate. You are not too whacko to understand. Ask yourself this? Is it possible that they don’t have anything else to tell you? My daughter had back surgery for scoliosis. Her spin was literally an S. The surgeon gave me a general idea of what he was going to do. Put in some rods and bolts and try to straighten her spin but he didn’t go into the details. I didn’t need to know the details only that he was going to go in and try to fix it. Maybe your parents don’t know exactly what the doctor is going to do only that s/he is going to go in and try to fix it.

Maybe trying so hard to stay calm is not such a good thing. It’s ok to feel upset and anxious and frustrated or whatever else you are feeling. Sometimes fighting those feelings can make them stronger. Lean on your dad and he can lean on you. Sometimes sharing feelings helps to ease them.

I’ve been coming to see that. It’s been a hard night for my Dad as well. I am surprised that he has a voice in his head too.

I keep thinking if I was a better parent/big brother, she wouldn’t have gotten sick. But when I read her food journal and some of the other things I’ve found, I don’t know how I could have stopped it. There is one voice in my head on a loop just saying over and over… “You are such a terrible parent”
I told my dad about this voice and it’s mantra of my parenting skills. My Dad said the same thing is going through his head too. Actually I don’t know if that made me feel better. Now I’m just sad for him as well.

Self criticism may be one of our worst enemies. The past is the past. If you or your parents had known what you know now then you would have acted differently. But you didn’t know what you know now so you could not have acted differently. Sometimes things happen. Sometimes you will not feel better right away.

As for voices. We all have them just in different forms. I converse with myself more then anyone else. What could I have done differently? Why didn’t I see the signs? If I had only known… If I had been a better parent… If, why, why… All past tense.

but just try to be strong, be strong for your family and your sister because i know they wouldn’t want you to get unwell because of this,

the doctors are professionals and they do these things every day so they are fully trained to deal with your sisters surgery you just got to tell yourself she is in the best hands and that they do this every day.

I think she is in good hands! What would really be bad would be if she wasn’t getting treatment! I know this is gotta be stressing you out…I would try distracting yourself, she is not within your reach right now and you need to be comfortable with that in order to keep your symptoms down. I know that is so much easier to say than to do, but if you could trust the doctors with her and not keep the burden of her well-being on yourself, it might relieve your stress and therefore your symptoms.

But on a more practical note, I remember you were prescribed xanax- now would be the time to take as much as you are authorized to. I am authorized to take mine three times a day if necessary, maybe your prescription is like that too…like you usually take it once but have permission to take it more often if you need to? Just throwing that out there. Benzo’s are made for what you are experiencing, I know that for sure!

Im sure she will be fine. Doctors, especially surgeons are some of the most dedicated and disciplined people out there…some of my friends from high school are in pre-med programs and they work their asses off, you won’t see a half-ass operating on your sister!

I have been thinking about that extra xanax. I have it packed up in my pocket. I’ll most likely take it when they are getting her ready. She already called with a morning joke. (slightly PG-17 I might add) So she’s still in good spirits…
(I still say, she’d never show it if she wasn’t) Visiting hours start in about 90 minutes now… so I’ll be going soon to hang out with her.

If that extra Xanax will keep me from barging into the surgery theater and yelling “back off you kidnapper” then I’m all for it. Oh yes… the kidnapper word has been floating around again. Always on the edges.

Ok… From my kid sis this morning…

So three Engineers are having a beer after work…
An old crusty civil engineer, A middle ages Mechanical engineer and a new young Electrical engineer
and as they drink they begin to debate what sort of engineer God is.

The young one pipes up with the nervous system and how the electricity plays through the body and brain proving that God is an electrical engineer

The older man interjects with the flexibility and strength of the spine and the mortis and tenant construction of the knee… proving that God is a mechanical engineer…

Well the crusty old civil engineer finishes his beer and says… sorry lads but I know he’s a civil engineer and here is the proof… Think of how we humans pee… Only and I do mean only a civil engineer would run a sewer line through a recreation area.

She’s a tough kid. I have faith in the doctors to fix her right up. Doctors may not always seem warm, but thats because their work is deathly serious. My grandfather was a surgeon, he was like that.

As for you, DO keep that xanax in your pocket. I keep mine in my pocket everywhere I go, I don’t take chances when it comes to staying sane and not having psychosis. It sounds like you need to do something like drink tea and listen to music, something I would do when I was having symptoms…or I would go sit on my porch and chain smoke drinking whiskey. But anyways, do something that calms you down, preferably not alcohol or chain smoking like I did.

This will all be gone as soon as it started. She will be better than she was before, and you will stop having symptoms as badly. Just keep in mind, this is where your brain is gonna mess with you…when you’re stressed. If I get stressed, my symptoms come out to make me miserable too…but there are meds for this phenomenon and you have them in your pocket. I keep mine in my back pocket to remind me that I don’t have to suffer from psychosis, I have pills for it.

I’m beginning to think when she’s hurt or really scared, the endorphins kick in and she turns into a little stand up comic. I remember one time she wiped out on a shallow curl and the fin of her board or a crag rock cut right through her wetsuit and into her leg. So ER time…

She got people singing the Rolling Stones song… “We all need someone we can bleed on.” She did some other jokes and said, “well I hope to keep you in stitches while you wait, soon I should be in stitches too…” It’s sort of embarrassing but it’s how she deals. She will not cry in the face of blood.

This is not your fault. We all have the times we fell ill. We all have problems with the body we need to take care of. I don’t think anybody can avoid every problems. Health is not like if you try harder you can get rid of all illness.

There is nothing like perfect in being a parent/big brother. Birth, aging, illness and death. They just happens. The best thing you can do with illness is to face it and go for treatment, in which you are doing very good right now.

I was almost on the verge of Private messaging you… I have been trying like hell to find out… what are they going to do? How does this get fixed? What do they have to cut through to get to the stomach?

I have a feeling keeping me in a positive state of mind is also why I’m getting a mini Rodney Dangerfield on the end of my phone.

The surgery most commonly performed to treat ulcers is endoscopy. They’ll insert a scope into her stomach and perform the procedure through her throat. No need to cut into the stomach in this procedure.

Once inside the stomach, they can apply anti-bleeding medications to the ulcers. If this doesn’t work, the next step is to apply clips to the ulcers to prevent them from bleeding. Another option is to cauterize the ulcers to stop the bleeding.

These are all very simple procedures with minimal risk. So it’s not as scary as it may seem.

They’ll insert a scope into her stomach and perform the procedure through her throat.

Now why couldn’t they have told me this in the first place??? I can tell my hypnotist that he’s stupid. (rated-G on the public form, but in private, many harsh words) This doesn’t sound so bad, and then there will be no bleeding.

Then she can hold down food and begin to get to a healthy weight… This is a turn for the better.

Thank you for this… What a huge “Whew” My heart rate just slowed down.

Thank you 100% and with out me having a melt down at the hospital… My sister will most likely thank you too.

But I’m still taking my Xanax with me just in case… My dad will be driving just in case. Now all I have to do is get the place cleaned up before she comes home. I have to admit, cleaning has not been on my mind.