Rosie H-W — hot but not a transformer

Being Rosie-Huntington Whiteley is pretty sweet. We speak not, of course, from any tangible experience of actually being Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, but from an unfounded but staunch belief that life has dealt her a hand with more aces than she can hold in her perfectly proportioned hands.

She’s the Sexiest Woman in the World, for a start, which, as titles go, is up there with the best of 'em. We can’t think of many better appellations. ‘Curator of Sunshine’, maybe. ‘Princess of Tigers’, perhaps. ‘Queen of Tasty Snacks and Delicious Midafternoon Treats’ might be better, but it’s a close run thing, and we bloody LOVE tasty snacks and delicious midafternoon treats much more than the next man who shouldn't even claim to like them as much as we do if he knows what's good for him.

Being the Sexiest Woman in the World must open a lot of doors for a person. Not even just in the metaphorical sense, either. We reckon that wherever she goes, doors just fling open, inviting her to grace their indoorsyness with her abundant beauty and grace.

That probably literally NEVER happens. Unless she happens to walk past a house where someone’s left the back door wide open and the front door just on the catch, and there’s a gust of wind at the exact moment she passes the house so it seems like the door has blown open to invite her in but in fact it’s all just a big COINCIDENCE

And now she’s in the new Transformers film, which comes out on Wednesday. She’s taken Megan Fox’s spot. Her character’s name is ‘the supremely hot one who's mainly used to get the film even more publicity than it otherwise would who doesn’t really have a huge part in the film but will be wheeled out at all publicity events and such because she looks so bloody wonderful in photos’. It’s quite a role and, as you can see, Rosie is putting in an award-worthy performance.

"That's the last time I go to Jim Carrey's hairdresser. SNARL"

What must be quite annoying for the Rosester, though, is the fact that she's in the Transformers film but isn't actually a transformer. So, when all the other transformer-people-robot-things are transforming into muscle cars/trucks/planes/ice cream vans/ladybirds/WHATEVER, she's just like, "Oh right. Yeah. Cool. Thanks, guys. I'll just stand here like a lemon still being the Sexiest Woman in the World then, shall I? Yeah. Great. See you later. Jerks."