I Pity the Fool: Motivation (series premiere)

(S01E01) Mr. T (or is that Colonel Steve Austin?) dons a bright red running suit, and still gold-chain free since Katrina, teaches the fools the rules in TV Land's new I Pity the Fool "Reali-T" (ouch) show.

Part Old Navy commercial, part Super Nanny and part train wreck, Mr. T invades a different locale each week and dishes out his irascible wisdom to the poor fools that he so pities. If you took "fool," "jibba jabba," "sucka," and the ability to rhyme away from T, he would literally fall apart -- especially without those chains holding him together.

In the debut episode "Motivation," T gets a letter from Scott Pearlstein, the president of a flagging car dealership in Queens, NY. Scott is vexed by an unmotivated staff, and his nagging father-in-law who runs the place. Serious problems that deserve serious attention. Who else could you possibly plead for help from other than Mr. T? I mean come on, he pities the fools. No one wants to be pitied by T.

T literally runs to the dealership and does his best Dr. Phil impersonation. He sets a goal of selling 20 cars in 48 hours, because you know, he did go toe to toe with Rocky Balboa, so surely he can handle being a car dealer. He dresses up in a "fancy car salesman suit" with high cuffs on the legs to show off his star-spangled high tops. T is many things, but he sure isn't unstylish.

T tries to sell a car to a couple by getting in the trunk to show them how roomy it is, and yelling at Vince, the manager who closes every deal. For a minute it looked like T and Vince were going to come to blows, which was the only excitement the show managed to muster.

Sure enough, the car gets sold, T irons out the problems between Scott and his father-in-law Tom, and elicits some tears in the process. Everyone is happy, although it's not really clear what T did to bring them together. Perhaps fear is the best motivator, it always worked in high school gym class.

Cue the emotional music, and T heads out back into the world, seeking to right wrongs and dish out some justice.

Some T-isms from tonight's episode:

"You know what I do to couch potatoes?" smacks hand into fist, "I mash 'em up!"

"If you just tuned in, what's wrong wichoo, fool? Show me some respect and watch my show from the beginnin'!"

"Eight out of twenty!? That's only a third, and third rhymes with turd. That's bad!"

"If you want to polish a relationship and make it glisten, all you really have to do is learn to listen."

"Like I'm always sayin', you can't spell success without T."

Next week T tackles a lazy husband, says fool 47 times, and makes the veins stand out on his forehead.

Unfortunately, I Pity the Fool looks more like The C-Team. Think Dwight Schultz will make a cameo?