So I think I'm going to start a new OK Cupid account tonight. I have such a hard time knowing what to put in my profile. This is what I was thinking of putting in the "About me" section.

Quote:

Honestly? I'm a basket case. I don't have my shiitake together. I'm unstable. I have no self-esteem. I'm needy. And on top of that I can be a total crasshole. You can do better. Really. Not trying to be cute.

Too honest?

I'm just so tired of making online profiles in which I don't feel like I provide an accurate representation of myself. It's like writing ad copy for cigarettes. This will weed out the people who wouldn't be interested in dating me anyway (read:everybody).

Does anyone else have a really hard time knowing what to include in their profiles? I agonize over this stuff.

So definitely a no to that-it would be too much info, I think. Talk about what you like to do, what your hopes and dreams are, things like that.

_________________"Vegan to me means Oreos for breakfast." -Poopiebitch"tl;dr: I quit working to drink beer paid for with gift cards" erikasoyf*cker

So I think I'm going to start a new OK Cupid account tonight. I have such a hard time knowing what to put in my profile. This is what I was thinking of putting in the "About me" section.

Quote:

Honestly? I'm a basket case. I don't have my shiitake together. I'm unstable. I have no self-esteem. I'm needy. And on top of that I can be a total crasshole. You can do better. Really. Not trying to be cute.

Too honest?

I'm just so tired of making online profiles in which I don't feel like I provide an accurate representation of myself. It's like writing ad copy for cigarettes. This will weed out the people who wouldn't be interested in dating me anyway (read:everybody).

Does anyone else have a really hard time knowing what to include in their profiles? I agonize over this stuff.

Honestly, if what you said is true then please just don't date. Don't put yourself out there if you know you're going to be a crasshole.

It sounds like you should step back and focus on yourself for a while before getting involved with someone else.

_________________"One time I meant to send a potential employer a resume, but I accidentally sent them a bucket of puke!

Honestly, it's...not. I've been doing the whole online dating thing and honesty about instability is still instability. I'm not the best example because I started on OKC when I probably wasn't ready yet, but really, if all that is true, work on yourself first. I know it sucks being single sometimes but in my experience it sucks more to be dating or in a relationship when you're not quite steady. Honestly, I'm glad OKC seemed to be a total bust for the first little while; now that I'm doing better and had time to work on stuff, dating is actually fun. I don't feel like I'm imposing my personality on some poor guy who can "do better" because I like my personality now. Dig?

I understand where everyone is coming from. But I just desperately need things in my life to change. I'm beyond lonely. You know things are bad when the administrator to the online message board you frequent quite deservedly tells you to quit posting so much.

I'm with everyone else here... focus on making friends first. I always find people find the person for them when they stop looking, and better connections are often made when there's no relationshippy pressure.

_________________Anyone for some German Shepherd Pie? - daisychainWell! Fruit is stupid! These onions taste nothing like fruit! - allularpunkDwarf-tossing for God: A Story of Hope - Invictus

I understand where everyone is coming from. But I just desperately need things in my life to change. I'm beyond lonely.

so hey, this is exactly the reason you probably shouldn't be dating right now.

it is incredibly unfair to expect someone else to be the change you think you need in your life, another person is never going to come along, wave a magic wand, and make everything better. even if you were seeing someone, most of what you are unhappy about would be the same.

If you want anything longer than a one night stand you are going to have to reconcile yourself with yourself before you enter in to anything romantically.

_________________Space has stared into the tiny syrup holes of our shame and it does not judge us. - Amandabear

If you want anything longer than a one night stand you are going to have to reconcile yourself with yourself before you enter in to anything romantically.

Great advice just for general mental-health somewhat wellbeing-ness. Shortening knows I'm a mess, but I am getting better. Dating helps me, I think, but I am looking at dating more as a way of meeting people to be friends & have sex with. I think that helps me to work on myself instead of focusing on others. My first dating experience since my bad break helped 'learn' me this. I got really invested, even though knew I shouldn't have for many reasons! So I'm trying to spread it out more, trying to just meet lots of guys but mostly think of the meetings as social engagements. It took a while bit it seems to have fell into this nice little flow.

it is incredibly unfair to expect someone else to be the change you think you need in your life, another person is never going to come along, wave a magic wand, and make everything better. even if you were seeing someone, most of what you are unhappy about would be the same.

So true. Just concentrate on cultivating your own interests and doing what makes you happy, and the rest will follow. And then when you might someone awesome, you'll have more to bring to the relationship. Relationships are nice, but they're not everything.

I'm siding with the majority, but I'd like to add that I've made a few great friends through online dating sites. If your profile is accurate, then I'd recommend just making friends and masturbating a lot.

I understand where everyone is coming from. But I just desperately need things in my life to change. I'm beyond lonely.

so hey, this is exactly the reason you probably shouldn't be dating right now.

it is incredibly unfair to expect someone else to be the change you think you need in your life, another person is never going to come along, wave a magic wand, and make everything better. even if you were seeing someone, most of what you are unhappy about would be the same.

If you want anything longer than a one night stand you are going to have to reconcile yourself with yourself before you enter in to anything romantically.

This. So this.

I'd go further than saying it's unfair to expect someone else to be that change (which I agree with) to say no one else CAN be that change.

I'm a firm believer that you can't be happy in a relationship if you're not happy with who you are on your own. Not only do you drag all that same shiitake into a relationship, which creates incredible dysfunction, but being desperate doesn't make for the best decision making. And relationships can be hard enough without putting the burden of "fixing your life" on top of them. Plus, relationships are partnerships, and it doesn't sound like you feel you have anything to offer another person. It's unfair to expect someone else to be the awesome person you want in your life if you can't be that awesome person for them. (I'm not saying you don't have anything to offer, but as long as you feel the way you do about yourself, you simply won't be able to.)

I know it's painful to feel lonely, but doing this work is so crucial.

_________________Ain't no guarantees in life, and nothing that comes out of my vagina can change that. - Erika Soyf*cker

I understand where everyone is coming from. But I just desperately need things in my life to change. I'm beyond lonely.

so hey, this is exactly the reason you probably shouldn't be dating right now.

it is incredibly unfair to expect someone else to be the change you think you need in your life, another person is never going to come along, wave a magic wand, and make everything better. even if you were seeing someone, most of what you are unhappy about would be the same.

If you want anything longer than a one night stand you are going to have to reconcile yourself with yourself before you enter in to anything romantically.

This. So this.

I'd go further than saying it's unfair to expect someone else to be that change (which I agree with) to say no one else CAN be that change.

I'm a firm believer that you can't be happy in a relationship if you're not happy with who you are on your own. Not only do you drag all that same shiitake into a relationship, which creates incredible dysfunction, but being desperate doesn't make for the best decision making. And relationships can be hard enough without putting the burden of "fixing your life" on top of them. Plus, relationships are partnerships, and it doesn't sound like you feel you have anything to offer another person. It's unfair to expect someone else to be the awesome person you want in your life if you can't be that awesome person for them. (I'm not saying you don't have anything to offer, but as long as you feel the way you do about yourself, you simply won't be able to.)

I know it's painful to feel lonely, but doing this work is so crucial.

+2 yummy. As a recovering basket case, making friends was badly needed before I could get into a healthy relationship. If nothing else, it means I have a support system so I don't *NEED* my partner as much as I would feel if my social life lived and died with him. But the best thing was learning how to be fine with being single, it really wasn't bad being single but having lots of friends and I know I won't take shiitake in a relationship again knowing that.

_________________I was really surprised the first time I saw a penis. After those banana tutorials, I was expecting something so different. -Tofulish

Hey now! While what everyone is saying is coming from a smart and well-meaning place let's remember this is 'online dating' and not 'online partnerships/marriages'! There is definitely merit in that one way to work on yourself is to start putting yourself out there, in the world, and dip your toes in the dating scene. I definitely think it sounds like he's not ready to get a partner, but if he goes about this right I think he'd be doing a great thing for himself!

Hey now! While what everyone is saying is coming from a smart and well-meaning place let's remember this is 'online dating' and not 'online partnerships/marriages'! There is definitely merit in that one way to work on yourself is to start putting yourself out there, in the world, and dip your toes in the dating scene. I definitely think it sounds like he's not ready to get a partner, but if he goes about this right I think he'd be doing a great thing for himself!

I think people are reacting to the "if he goes about this right" part. And many people seem to find the posited OkCupid profile, and followup comments here, a bit troubling/unhealthy in terms of how to start dating. People are giving feedback that was requested, and everyone seems to be saying these things with good intentions and support in mind.

Hey now! While what everyone is saying is coming from a smart and well-meaning place let's remember this is 'online dating' and not 'online partnerships/marriages'! There is definitely merit in that one way to work on yourself is to start putting yourself out there, in the world, and dip your toes in the dating scene. I definitely think it sounds like he's not ready to get a partner, but if he goes about this right I think he'd be doing a great thing for himself!

I think people are reacting to the "if he goes about this right" part. And many people seem to find the posited OkCupid profile, and followup comments here, a bit troubling/unhealthy in terms of how to start dating. People are giving feedback that was requested, and everyone seems to be saying these things with good intentions and support in mind.

Yeah, I'm all for getting out there and casually dating as a way to explore what you want, boost your self-esteem, and have some fun, but you have to be in the right state of mind to do that. And all indications based on what Jonny wrote are that he's not.

_________________Ain't no guarantees in life, and nothing that comes out of my vagina can change that. - Erika Soyf*cker

Honestly, if what you said is true then please just don't date. Don't put yourself out there if you know you're going to be a crasshole.

It sounds like you should step back and focus on yourself for a while before getting involved with someone else.

I second this. maybe try some meetups/hobby groups or something if you're more interested in dealing with loneliness that you'd mentioned?

I've made some good friends on OKC. I say make the profile but put "I'm not looking to date right now, just looking to make friends." And then go into what you like, etc. And what you might like in a friend. OKC does have some other choices besides "long term dating" so you could choose only "friends, short term dating and casual sex" or whatever. Or just friends, if you aren't ready for even casually dating. And maybe start by looking at people you wouldn't date, so like, if you are into the lady-folk look for some guys you are highly matched for!

_________________Evolved a vascular system, so I went from bryophyte to lycophyte.

JohnnyWhoop, I'm going to second everything that everyone's said about getting comfortable with yourself before trying to add someone else to the mix, and not depending on change to come from others, etc. etc. They all said it way better than me, but here's what I've got to add that I haven't seen so far in this discussion.It seems to me like you see that you have this problem, you feel shy or awkward or isolated, and you want to change that. Great! you're actually doing something completely right here! However, going to OKC and telling potential dates that you think you completely suck and they should leave you alone is not the way to go about actually making that change."But it is making a change" you say, "it's a dating site profile! Interaction with the greater world!" you say.But no. Just, no.

It's okay to admit weaknesses, maybe you can briefly mention "I've had a hard time getting to know people in the area because I'm new/I'm shy/my schedule is wonky/whatever", but to make your entire profile a rant about your own self-loathing to me comes off as two main things:1.) That you're begging for attention. You want me ("me" as a potential date) to read your profile and pity you. You want me to write to you and tell you that you're worthwhile and attractive and funny and honest and that I want to bone you.But that's not what I want to do, because that is a lot of effort that I don't need to go through when there are plenty of other profiles to check out. Not only do you appear to be a huge drain on the emotional-effort scale, this kind of grovelling is not sensitive, not funny, and not attractive. It's annoying and passive-aggressive, and even if I'm not planning on marrying you, if that's the clearest first impression I get, I'm not going to bother starting anything at all, no matter how casual.

2.) You come off as so pessimistic that you don't even try. Life sucks sometimes, it really does. I get that, everyone does. Something that really sucks is getting your hopes up for something, being really excited, and then having it fall flat on its face. So if you keep your expectations low, then if things actually go right for once, it's a happy surprise. Right? That's kind of how I approach my culinary adventures when I don't have the right ingredients or equipment, but as far as life goes it's a pretty lousy philosophy.It can start with good intentions. Expect things to go okay, but not fantastic, then be happy when good things happen. Then start expecting everything to be meh all the time and be all gloat-y when it's just so-so. "SEE?! I was RIGHT."Then you start getting really cynical and expect everything to suck. All the time. It then gets to the point where being right about everything sucking is more important than actually noticing that good things are happening, and regardless of whatever wonderful thing happens, you can find something horrible about it to fixate on.Once you're at this point, constantly fixating on the bad, there's really no reason to try anymore (except for all that energy spent looking for misery to point out).As a potential date I see this and figure there's no use contacting you, since you're so focused on everything going wrong that anything started would dead-end pretty quickly. Again, that's effort that I'm simply not going to waste on you if I don't have to.

So, don't make that your profile unless you actually just want to self-validate how terrible of a person you must be because you're getting no messages. It's not because you're unacceptable, it's because the way you're viewing and presenting yourself is. It's a self-perpetuating loop of negativity, and they're really easy to fall into. Trust me, I know. Once you fall into this sort of unhealthy thinking pattern, it's really hard to escape. Trust me again, I know.But try to avoid it. See what you're actually doing. I know it can be hard, but you deserve better treatment from yourself.Because, you actually do seem like a really cool person with a good sense of humor and awesome hair.

I think if everyone waited till they were totally stable and had high self-esteem and had eliminated all traces of assholeishness from their personality, nobody would ever date.

I think most people would probably be turned off by a recitation of your negative character traits in an online dating profile...but who knows, maybe your soulmate would see that and think it was really cool, and in a few years you can post your wedding photos or whatever. If that's the most honest and authentic representation of yourself that you feel comfortable putting on your profile, give it a try and see what happens.

_________________Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnationblog!FB!

Thanks everybody for the really helpful and considerate responses. It really means a lot.

I have a bunch of different things I want to say. So I just hope this is semi-coherent.

First of all, I think I definitely overstated the degree to which I'm unstable in my posited dating profile. I'm way, way, better than I was only a few months ago. I think I'm getting to the point at which I could be a good boyfriend for someone. But you folks are probably right: more time of working on myself would do me good.

I was trying to use terms like "basket case" and "unstable" in a semi-joking way to accept my recent history with mental illness. I was hoping to reduce some of the stigma that way. Obviously that totally failed.

I don't have a huge amount of interest in one night stands at the moment. I'm not sex-starved (although it's been a while). I'm intimacy and just plain human interaction starved. A lot of your recommendations of seeking out friendships are great. For me, the problem is that somewhere along the way I think I lost the ability to make really intimate platonic friendships with men or women. I know it's forked up, but for some reason the only way I can be really, really close to someone who is not family is if it's a romantic relationship. Maybe that's something I could work on. I just don't know how.

So again, you're all probably right that I could use a little more time of working on myself before I try to jump into a relationship. But an even bigger barrier to establishing a relationship than my instability (which is becoming significantly less and less with each passing day) is the stigma surrounding mental illness. My mental breakdown has been a huge factor in my life over the past year. I can't explain the most basic factors of my life, such as why I'm even living where I'm living, without talking about it. Now, obviously I can totally avoid the subject in a casual relationship. But in something deeper, it would be impossible. And I'm nothing if not honest.

I wouldn't have a problem, say, telling a partner that I swallowed 40 aspirin to get out of an open-door anxiety clinic that my parents and friends refused to pick me up from. That's comparatively easy. The real trouble comes with talking about the intrusive thoughts I had. I mean this goes way, way, way beyond the typical stigma surrounding mental illness. If my partner didn't have a solid understanding of a fairly specific form of obsessive-compulsive disorder, they wouldn't just think I was a freak. They would think I belonged in prison. Sadly, that's not an overstatement.

Anyway, again, my using terms such as "basket case" and "unstable" was (mostly) past tense. It was an effort to lay my cards on the table, reclaim the stigmatizing words surrounding mental illness, and hopefully lay the groundwork for an eventual conversation about my history. But you folks are probably all right that more time working on myself would do me good. It's super hard to do that though, because I'm lonely as fork.

Again, thank you everybody for the really considerate and empathetic responses. I have a whole new appreciation for the PPK. You folks rock! <3