Friday, January 4, 2013

Yes,
I’m a handful of days late with my 2013 greetings—call it a holdover from 2012’s
procrastination.Here’s hoping that your holidays and New Year festivities were
lovely and bright. I was fortunate enough to be happily distracted by friends
and a terrific family from doing any writing in this quiet corner of the
Internets. Some other unfortunate habits were also fostered, which need to be
nipped in the bud. And so, without further ado, my resolutions for 2013:

1.I
will not eat raw cookie dough by the spoonful while watching reruns of Girls.

2.I
will not skip doing Bikram yoga so I can sit on the couch eating raw cookie
dough and watching reruns of Girls.

3.I
will not foster negative thoughts with regards to my writing…or my complete and utter lack of
commercial success whatsoever. Also, I will not let any such negativity drive me
to a bowl of raw cookie dough.

a.As
an amendment to Resolution 3, I also will not be envious of, or jealously covet
anyone else’s success. So what if a former colleague of mine is in the running
for his second Oscar nomination. WHAT THE HELL DO I CARE ABOUT THAT? Right? I
mean, I have my cookie dough. Oh, wait. That’s right, I don’t have that either.

b.See
Resolution 3.

4.I
will write on a regular basis so that I will slowly but surely overtake this
crazily talented guy from
his quest for total Internet domination.

5.I
will become alpha so that the 12-pound pup does not boss me around.

6.Scrap
Resolution 5. The pup is too cute. I forever will be subservient to him.

7.I
will stop hoarding mason jars in the hopes of making jam. Jam is not happening,
just accept it.

9.I
will walk more to counter my sedentary, cookie-dough-eating lifestyle. If I
need to buy new pants because, for some inexplicable reason, my hips have
grown, I will walk my bottom-heavy self there. And I will leave the cookie
dough at home.

10.I
will end the year having to make fewer resolutions for 2014 involving cookie
dough.