Friday, November 12, 2010

Um, kid, don't turn around, but there's aterrible player staring at you right now.

The NHL showed its creative side this week with the announcement of a bold new format for the annual all-star game. Instead of featuring the East vs. West or North America vs. the World formats used in previous seasons, this year's game will see teams captained by two of the league's star players.

But the real selling point is the way the teams will be chosen. The two captains will be given a list of eligible players, and will take turns filling their rosters in a televised draft on the Friday of all-star weekend.

The league is trying to sell the idea to fans as a "fantasy draft". But is it? Most NHL fans have experienced a fantasy draft or two in their day. And they'll probably realize that, inspired as it may be, this all-star draft will differ from a typical fantasy draft in several important ways.

Your fantasy draft: The owner of the first pick is determined by drawing names out of a hat.NHL all-star draft: The owner of the first pick is determined by drawing names out of a hat, all of which have been rigged to say "Sidney Crosby".

NHL all-star draft: The entire draft is broadcast to fans on national television in the US and Canada. Your fantasy draft: The entire draft is broadcast to the guy with the cubicle next to the boardroom who keeps mumbling about having actual work to do.

Your fantasy draft: The league is managed by a commissioner who's usually some loud-mouthed, annoying, self-professed hockey expert who everyone barely tolerates but secretly despises.NHL all-star draft: Gary Bettman has never claimed to be a hockey expert.

NHL all-star draft: Anyone who doesn't draft Chris Pronger risks making him angry, leading to the possibility of getting elbowed in the throat during a subsequent game.Your fantasy draft: The odds of Chris Pronger actually taking the time to personally hunt you down and injure you are probably less than 80%.

Your fantasy draft: The proceedings inevitably grind to a halt because of some guy who has never actually participated in a draft before and doesn't know what he's supposed to do.NHL all-star draft: To prevent that from happening, the league will avoid inviting any Maple Leaf scouts.

Your fantasy draft: You can find out how your team did by checking your league's web site.NHL all-star draft: You can find out how your team did by checking the last four seconds of an ESPN SportsCenter broadcast.

Your fantasy draft: It can be a little bit frustrating when somebody drafts a good player one pick before you were planning to.NHL all-star draft: It can be more than a little bit frustrating when somebody drafts your identical twin brother one pick before you were planning to.

Your fantasy draft: You're basically drafting players who can score as many points as possible, with virtually no regard to defensive abilities.NHL all-star draft: Wait, sorry, what are "defensive abilities"?

Your fantasy draft: Before drafting a player, it's a good idea to make sure he's healthy by quickly checking the internet.NHL all-star draft: Before drafting a player, it's a good idea to make sure he's healthy by checking him headfirst into the end boards and seeing whether he can still get up.

NHL all-star draft: A Bruins goaltender is selected early, when Tim Thomas hears his name called.Your fantasy draft: A Bruins goaltender is selected early, when you draft Tuuka Rask in the third round because that's what the "experts" told you to do and then you watch him lose his starting job on the season's opening weekend and basically ruin your chances of ever winning anything and making you want to smash your computer monitor over your own head every time you check your league standings, not that this happened to me.

I'm a Sabres fan, and during the playoffs last season my Bruins friend kept calling me and leaving voicemail messages saying, "You've been Rasked," in a sorry imitation of a Finnish accent (sounded more like Schwarzenegger).

I'm sorry to say it DGB, but, you've been Rasked. Stings, doesn't it?

I've now been Rasked twice. He's on my fantasy team too. I guess I had Stockholm Syndrome, because I drafted my tormentor.

I'm really only lookng forward to seeing who the two poor souls are that are taken last.

I'm hoping they make everyone line up and show a wide shot and as each player gets chosen one by one they get to go over to one side or the other and high five their friends and as the line up gets smaller and smaller the camera view gets tighter and tighter until it's just a closeup on the face of the last guy left.