We find out early in life that it isn’t permissible to be barefaced and tell the truth in the every day. Instead, as little girls we dress up the spine of our stories, hiding the scars or perfecting them in order to say what is acceptable, “I’m fine, how are you?” But we aren’t supposed to say anything else, especially about our scars, wounds, and how we are really feeling.

I’ve also learned there is no such thing as coincidence. I believe everything, absolutely everything happens for a reason in order to teach us life lessons or reveal something deep in our fragile human condition. I believe this partly because I was born with an extra dose of sensitivity and found out as a mere child, life did not work for me. It or I was broken. I could not fit in. Coincidence nudged me to find God as I grew up.

Feeling like I didn’t fit in felt like the Grand Canyon had been carved from my heart. Other girls were pretty, collected, witty, non-messy, grew up in nonalcoholic homes, not frizzy, and had IT which left me searching for my own it. But I digress….I believe God knows our faith is weak which is why he created coincidence. He knows that even though we should have faith by focusing on the work of his unseen, he uses the physical to help us in our blindness which where coincidence comes in. Yesterday at work, I had three very different people tell me I was pretty.

“Wait. What, me?”

I have a hard time believing that I am pretty as woman or human being. Mainly because I know how deeply flawed I am as I struggle to keep the door to my closet stuffed full of secrets, CLOSED. Sealed tight. Occasionally, it rumbles and spills out on anyone within my texting messaging circle or people I live with.

Sorry Runner Friend, Birthday Mother, and Family.

I also know I’d much rather bunker down behind my addictions to stuff my feelings of inadequacies rather than attempt the awkwardness of casual conversations bared faced and clean. Most often my flaws are ugly brutal when they spill over into motherhood or marriage. And friends? I struggle between trying to be myself (ugh…who am I again?) and stuffing the anxiety that rises within me to make her like me.

And if I’m honest I’m still hiding from Runner Friend, Birthday Mother, and Family because of what my kids and husband affectionately call the Raspberry Sherbet Moment.

After the side of my husband’s car was stained bright raspberry red, I’ve retreated within myself for safety. Only what I found wasn’t safe. It was quite the opposite. Me, alone with my flaws, sins, addictions, mistakes, the scale (seriously I need to get rid of that thing) and all the ugliness of my life; past and present. My thoughts toyed with me like a yo-yo. How could anyone love me? How could I be beautiful? The Grand Canyon of my heart had all but swallowed me up, leaving me to fumble with my imperfections and darkness when God whispered, “Wait on me, be strong in Me. Little Heart, how very beautiful your life is to Me. Mistakes and all, how pretty you are.”

I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:13-14.

Here’s the thing, the scars we carry, they are God’s Glory. The moments of our desperation and despair, they are his jewels. They mark us as real people, with real lives, with real problems. They become the bridge to freedom. It reveals just how human we are and how a piece of Jesus is in every heart.

Jesus didn’t become precious because of his perfect life—he became precious because of his scars. Nailed, whipped, battered, stabbed, a son of a teenage mom, not accepted by his family, beaten and crowned with the thorns of our lives, he became God’s reckoning so we could become pretty.

His scars? His disciples recognized him AFTER he revealed the scars of his side, hands and feet. Jesus revealed His wounds so we could fully live.

Those people who told me I was pretty? They were God in the flesh whispering His affections and affirmations of who I am to Him, to combat how my little brain processes and sees myself. Those people, they saw my scars, my real-ness, my mess, His Glory clothed in my skin and said the words God already knew to be true.

Don’t cover your scars with “I’m fine, how are you,” be real, be Jesus. Be the bridge to Freedom for others.

As the big hand creeps towards the midnight tonight–I for one am looking forward to starting a new year as a mom and child of God. 2013 has been deemed at least in my mind “The Year of the Ashes.” For most of the year, I felt like Job as I watched my fall from ministry play out, my so-called business venture come to a close and the profits of my first book trickle in.

In other ways, I washed myself in ashes as I tried to figure out this whole parenting thing with one extremely smart but severely ADHD child struggle along with my oldest woman child struggle with friendships, school and her social life combined with Aspergers. Being a mom wasn’t how I imagined or pictured.

What compounded the matters included learning how to work outside the home after being sheltered in the home for seven years. I became what I felt was invisible, messy, and completely out of control.

I couldn’t use the usual statement of, “I’m okay, everything’s fine.” Instead, God broke my heart–shattered my so called life and heart into millions of pieces.

It was just where God wanted me. He stripped everything I held dear including my picture of motherhood and opened my soul to his purpose. After sleepless nights and thousands of “I’m okay”when I really wasn’t, God reached in to heal the hurt, shame and pain I had carried for so long. When I wasn’t able to hid behind “Having it together,” and we had this conversation,

“Now I can finally use you Heather.”

“What? You couldn’t use me before when I was in ministry, leading moms, making book deals, and keeping it together?”

“Yeah, about that, you placed your identity in your success, perfection and people pleasing–and you prayed to me asking me to remove anything that wasn’t of me. SO I decided to start from the foundation. I needed to reach in, heal your scars and take away your shame. I needed your hurt and your pain–it’s not love any other way. You can’t serve me, follow me or have a relationship with me without giving it all to me. “

You can’t possibly want that part of me? No one wants that part of me. Let me make myself better first. Let me stop yelling at my kids, or figure out another way to come before you!

“Heather, I already know who you are and these are the things that are keeping us apart. It’s not enough for you to say you love me, I need your broken heart. Come as you are.”

And believe me–when I’m ready to talk about it, I heard God tell me something very profound. Matthew 3:17 has been ingrained in my heart….pounding out its message steady and true. I don’t need to do anything to please God, my mothering, my writing, my success–none of this matters.

What matters at the very core of me and you is just how much he loves us. You may be ready to close the door on 2013 but before you do, what is that God is asking from you? What valuable lesson have you learned? What resolutions will you make for 2014.

As I sat in the ashes, I realized all God wanted was my heart. It didn’t matter how well I hid my mess, how good of a mom I was or how many books I sold. What mattered is my heart. And yours matters too! So as I step in 2014 I have five promises I am making to myself and to you.

1. I resolve to value myself and celebrate others.

This means being good to myself, just like the Oxygen Mask Rule on an airplane, a mom who takes care of herself first is a better mom. I will make the time to get a work out in, make time for friends ( I have a list of chicks to call), to say no to committees and realize my inherit value isn’t defined by my success, where I work, or how my kids behave.

5. I resolve to live IN Grace.

I will resolve to not compare myself to other moms, their successes or bank accounts. I will remember all God wants is my heart. I will choose to live in his grace remembering that I am imperfect and life is messy. It’s in the middle of the worst messes when God changes our hearts. I will not live on how I feel but how God is working through me.

I will resolve to remember God does not want perfection, he wants my heart, my mess, and all that I am.

These are my resolutions, what are yours? If you are interested in making these resolutions with me, subscribe to my blog and get my posts delivered to your inbox!!!