Pardon me for this post. It is probably not most appropraite things to say here, if it is really not, I think someone will probbably move it. I know I have not been here so much, and even when I am here, I often do not say so much.

I laughed today. I know that do not sound like very important thing, something to deserve its own post. But I have not laughed so much in recent weeks, or maybe not at all. I do not remember it. I don't know I have even smiled so much in recent weeks. Yes, there has been some difficult things that happen, and some things that make me upset or scared. But that is life. We all have that. We all will be upset and scared.

I talk on computer with someone, a friend, tonight, and we were talking of some things, some importent, some not importent maybe. And he say something that make me realize, he is someone I need really to pray for, to think good thoughts for, because he is very much a sad man. He have some things in his life, some simple but very powerful things, that could bring him great joy and warm feelings of love and happiness, and he does not recognize that. He instead finds the negative in these same things. Yes, it is true. There will be two sides, two parts. There will positive and negative. To me, the positive of these things in his life are so much more, are so very good, and the negative so little. To him, the negative is what is magnified. I find that sad.

We are so use to being in no control of things, in no control in our life. We are so use to being used and hurt, we are use to having no power of things happening to us. When we are offered the power, the power inside our own selfs, our own minds, we are afraid to take it. We rather have the known, the familiar, even if that is what keep us so sad and negative and lonely and shallow and hurting. We sometime will refuse to believe different, choose to believe that we still are victim, that we only will have only bad.

Happiness can be a choice. He say I am 'idealist' to say that. I do not mind, it is not bad thing. I am idealist. I am also perfectionist. I am also realist. I am not choosing to be ignorant to the darkness of the world we are in, and the bad and evil done to us in past. But I am also not choosing to ignore the beauty, the good, the positive things in this world. I am not someone so much believing and wanting the good I am stupid to honest things that happen. But aren't there some people so much believing in everthing being all bad they are stupid to that there is good?

All us here, even with all done to us, even with all the bad, the scary, the negative, the pain, the fear, all of us DO have good in our lives. We have our life. Many people every day, they lose theirs. We have some good in our health, or we would not be here, would not be posting here, we would be in hospital. All of us here have mental ability to be here, we are not handicapped by that. All of us here have access to computer. That will make me think that no one here, they are living as homeless person, on street or in a car. All of us here have had education enough to allow us here, to talk with each other. I am only saying some obvious things. I know that there are much more things we have in our lives that are positive. Some are married. Some have children. Some have some wonderful friends who care very much for us, or other family who love us. Some have very good jobs. Some have much money. Some are able to do things they enjoy in their life every day. Some have interest, hobby. Some have pets.

Everone here, they have some good in their life. No matter how much bad there been in life in past, there is some good NOW. I could be wrong in some what I assume, but I think most those things I assume, they are correct. Some people will be greatful for those things, will see them as positive. Others will think them silly, that they take them for granted, as just 'normal' things. But I know many people who for them, these things are not at all normal.

To find the good, to find the positive, it is a choice. Some people will say no. But how is it not a choice? Does happiness, does peace, does good luck come to find us? No. We must make for it, we must prepare for it, we must look for it, and we must be able to recognize it. I talk with some people in chat room. Some are married. Some have children. Both those things, they sound very good, positive to me. Many have good health. After recent months with health problems, that sound very positive to me. Do they recognize it? Some do. Some do not.

Maybe it is me, maybe it is me being someone very simple, maybe being 'idealistic'. But it is MY choice. And truly, why would I choose to be depressed, angry, sad, hurting, instead of to feel strong and more active in my life and looking for happiness? I have made that choice before, thinking I do not have one. I have also made that choice before, even recently, when I KNOW it is a choice, and I KNOW I have power to think different. Sometime it is to hard. But to stay with negative, for me, that just make it harder, it keep it hard. Yes, maybe to make the change is more difficult at first, and we feel powerless, we feel it is not going to be worth it, we continue to look to the negative to avoid making changes. But it is same as with anything, anything that is skill, we must practice it to become good at it.

I know that this is very long, I know that it is maybe hard thing to read for some people, and I know I do not make so much sense sometime. But after talking to this person, after realizing how sad this person, I realized that the recent sadness I feel about myself, it is the 'feeling sorry to myself'. Because I am better then that. I can recognize the very good things in my life, and in the world around me. This person is hurting to much to do that. I hope only he will try to find his way through it, to find the life that he is deserving of. But to do that, first he must realize that no one is going to give it to him. He must work for it, just as all us have to. No one can do it for him but him. No one can do it for me but me. No one can do it for you but you.

Choices. Reality. Not ideals. They are reality.

I am sorry, this maybe all sounds very crazy. I have been working to write this for some hours now, and my head is so crazy with it, I just need to say these things. Thank you. And I plan to laugh today, and tomorrow also. Plan it. It is other choice.

How old are you, 86, 87, some wisened old guy who has been around the world several times and met with the Dahli Lama on that mountain?Well, I don't mean to make light...Ha, Ha, Ha...of your good words for life and living.I am wallowing, right now, in the deepest sh*t I've been in, in a long time.I see your words, swinging above my head like some kind of rescue ladder. Will I reach it in time or will the next wave of cah cah overwhelm me and take me under, swirling down, down toward the sewer pipe of life?Sorry, I didn't mean to get so carried away...pardon the pun...but I seem to be channeling the most desperate of us tonight. What? Wouldn't davy fake it for the guys? Nope, sorry, not tonight...just trying to swim for the closest shore...your words encourage me, Andrei, I'm sure they are encouraging others, too.I know some of what you've dealt with and what you say here holds great hope for you...and us.Thank you for posting this, it stands for what we strive for.

David

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"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."George Eliot

You are so right!! I was just talking with my roommate about how today for the first time in years I laughed, I mean really a deep down heart felt laugh.

You see, I suffer from sever depression, and have for the past three years.

I have been seeing a physiologist for the past three years on a bi-weekly basis ever since having myself commited into a local mental ward, because I was seriously considering suicide.

He has had me on several phsycotropic medications, and I am currently supposed to be on Valproic Acid, I say supposed to be, because I have stopped taking this medication because I am tired of feeling drugged up, and to tell you the truth, I feel much better.

Today has been a real test foe me, because it was one of those days that I found that I had to laugh to keep from crying.

I am in a veterans homeless recovery program, and I am probably going to have to work on Christmas day, instead of going home to my moms up in North Florida, and I am OK with that.

I am have become very active in my local AA home group.

Sorry to being carrying on like this, I just needed to share here, and say that you are absolutely right when you say that being happy IS a 0hoice.

When we are offered the power, the power inside our own selfs, our own minds, we are afraid to take it. We rather have the known, the familiar, even if that is what keep us so sad and negative and lonely and shallow and hurting. We sometime will refuse to believe different, choose to believe that we still are victim, that we only will have only bad.

This bit is so true, I know how hard I fought with the fear of leaving my old sad, negative and familiar feelings behind, they were a huge comfort to me for many years.

But they also held me back once I'd made the initial effort and decision to change my life, and they still appear from time to time.These old 'familiars' are also hard to shift, it does require a lot of the effort and courage you speak of, but they can be shifted.

Laughter is a wonderful thing, and a great tool for shifting some of the old negative feelings.It's OK to laugh, but the problem for Survivors is laughter is an emotion, or at least an emotional response. And we have trouble accepting our emotions, perhaps allowing ourselves to laugh should be the first emotion we work on?

Dave

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Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.Henry David Thoreau

Your post, Andrei, and the following ones are so very true, especially for what I am going through right now.

I highlighted what Scot said because just the other day I was thinking the exact same thing. I was down, pretty depressed, but then when I got the idea for the book of poetry for MS, I started to think to myself as well, that darkness cannot exist without light.

It may seem easier at times to focus on all of the negative things that happen or have happened, but just taking the time to focus on some of the positives can be a great thing to reflect upon.

I hope that everyone can laugh and smile today, and tomorrow. This post cheered me up a lot already.

Thank you,

Jon

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I find I have to be the sad clown, laughing on the outside...crying on the inside.

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