10.02.2012

Tummy Tuesday

So here's a fun little game I have been playing: how many times can I pee on a stick in a week? I have literally taken like 5 pregnancy tests in the last two weeks. Here's why: on the box it says it can detect a pregnancy 5 days before a missed period. Since I had the sex on two of my fertile days (the 13th and 15th of September) I figured that I should probably know a couple weeks after. Because I am a crazy person. All of those pregnancy tests were negative and one, a digital, even typed out the word NO just like that. Not to be confused with "no" or "No." That NO is a big, fat negative.
Now comes the interesting part. I should be starting my period, like, now. But I'm not. Menses is nowhere to be found. I sort of abruptly stopped my birth control in August on a Thursday rather than waiting for the designated Sunday to take the ring out. If I was doing the ring schedule, it would be out on Sunday, bleeding by Wednesday. So by my calculations, out on Thursday, bleeding by Sunday? Maybe Monday? Either way, welcome to my vagina and the lack of blood therein.
Because I am trying to take the advice of the lovely Andrea, I am going to calm the fuck down. And because BFF doesn't think I can wait until Friday to take the last pregnancy test, I'm going to prove her wrong. Probably. Why Friday you ask? Well, that's Husband's birthday. Why not see if I can give him an unexpected present. Plus, if it says NO again, I'm drinking a bottle of wine on our dinner date night. WEE!
And just for the record, weigh in today was 219.5/220 with shoes, socks, undergarments, jeans and a tee on. Still not great but not as bad as I thought it was. I also was able to fit in some new size 16 Misses jeans which I don't consider "regular" but they must be.

Dear Randi, As a scientist, I have to inform you of what those tests are looking for. When you get pregnant, you start making a hormone called HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin). You never make this hormone otherwise. The pregnancy tests look for this hormone. Although they say they can detect it 5 days before a missed period, everyone is different, and early pregnancy detection prior to a missed period is a little like voodoo. I do not trust those tests, and they often are not very accurate. If you are like clockwork, you should get your period somewhere around 28-30 days after your last period. If, however, you are influenced by stress, or other normalities of life, you could get your period anywhere from 20-40 days after your last period. If you did not ovulate on your fertile days (which could have happened since you just came off bc), you are not pregnant. If you did, you could be, but it's hard to tell accurately until a few weeks after fertilization. Ideally, four weeks I think. In reality, just relax. Don't spend your money on those tests anymore. If you miss your period (seriously, give it another week), then head to the doctor, where they will give you the exact same test you are taking at the drugstore (or could give you a prescription for progesterone to jump start ovulation, if that's the problem). Rome was not built in a day, and neither are babies. Just keep practicing the baby-making and all will be fine. I promise. With love from your crazy, science obsessed crusty. xo