Manchester United’s Marouane Fellaini Wreaks Havoc on Palace

Fantasy Premier League: Gameweek 7 Review

This was a weird week in FPL land…

Just one of the top 18 scoring players this week was a forward, in a week when there were four, yes FOUR, goals scored at The Hawthorns, and free-scoring Manchester United were at home to the comically inept Crystal Palace. On Saturday morning I saw rumours of Triple Captain Chips being thrown in left, right and centre on Romelu Lukaku, so confident were so many that the Eagles were going to have their wings clipped. For those who did gamble so early in the season with their precious TC chip, I urge you to call your local law-enforcement agency to report what happened to you on Saturday afternoon. It wasn’t just a violation, nor was it a misdemeanor.

Nope, this was a full-blown FELLAINI.

Sixteen points for the man who can disappear from sight standing behind a palm tree with a sensational two goal, three bonus point haul as United did indeed hammer Hodgson’s heroes, but with the majority of the points going to those who most of us didn’t expect. Just 2% of FPL players have Fellaini in their ranks, with some of them leaving him on the bench! I mean who’d be STUPID enough to do such a thing! Imagine selecting a Brighton player ahead of Fellaini! Anyone doing that deserves all they get! And yet some spawn their way to the 16 haul anyway…No, I’m not talking about anyone in particular, honest….

Another fixture which drew the attention of the salivating FPL hordes desperate for their points-fix was Spurs away to Huddersfield, where the Wembley curse was nowhere to be seen. I’m confused about this ‘curse’. How come Spurs play like Brazil circa 1970 when ‘away’ from home, yet when playing in what is to all intents and purposes an ‘away’ ground, they’re ropier than Theresa May on the Marr Show? It’s a modern mystery.

What’s not a mystery however is the form of young Ben Davies who accumulated his THIRD double-digit points haul in just his sixth league start. That’s two goals and three assists already for the young Welsh full-back this season. Hang on, a young Welsh full-back in a Spurs shirt tearing it up with goals and assists? Why does that sound familiar? Meh, I’m sure it’ll come to me in time….

Of course the player many fancied to cause some serious damage in this game was Harry Kane, and he duly delivered with a truly devastating performance, smashing in another two goals and grabbing another three bonus points.

A third player from that game to warrant a mention is Kieran Trippier, who grabbed two assists and 14 points for the 4% of FPL players who saw value in the ‘Not Serge Aurier’ bargain bin.

The final fixture which made FPL eyes light up was Arsenal’s home meeting with Brighton & Hove Albion. Lacazette and Sanchez were expected to fill their boots against the inexperienced new boys, but once more the FPL points went to a player selected by less than 6% of players, a man who sounds like a Mexican snack cheesier than my puns, a man whose parents were huge WWE fans in the 80’s and were so obsessed with one wrestler that they named their child after him. Yes, the man named after The Macho Man himself…Nacho Monreal scored his first league goal since the 2012/2013 season to score 15 points.

In summary, a team with Fellaini, Monreal and Trippier would have differentialed the bejaysus out of the rest of the FPL community this week, and they should enjoy their glory…because it won’t last. Please! Fellaini and Monreal every week? Good luck with that…

The final hat-tips go to Stephen Ward who racked up 12 points before heading off to Dublin to singlehandedly rescue Ireland’s World Cup qualification campaign, Hector Bellerin who scored 11 points despite having awful, awful hair, and Kevin De Bruyne for making millions of us shout ‘WOOF’ in unison on Saturday evening while collecting 11 points for himself.

As I said at the start of this rambling stream of consciousness, this was a weird week in the world of FPL, and the fact that nobody scored negative points proves my point. So for Villains Of The Week we must just pick on people for the sake of it. I’m not going to sugar-coat it, it is what it is. So let’s begin.

Marcos Alonso – I know a home game with Manchester City isn’t an easy game, but when you cost SEVEN MILLION ENGLISH POUNDS as a defender, and you return scores of 0,2,0,2 in four of your seven games, then quite frankly dear Marcus, that’s an Enron-style return on investment.

Southampton Strikers – I had a gander at the weekly scores for the likes of Shane Long, Charlie Austin and Manolo Gabbiadini, and to be honest I’ve seen less 1’s and 0’s in binary code. Truly terrible, yet 2% of players still have Gabbiadini in their FPL ranks. That’s over 100,000 people. Now I know Italians historically have had big families, but that’s bordering on the bizarre.

Leighton Baines and Wayne Rooney – Baines costs £5,900,000, is selected by 6.7% and his last six GW scores are: 2.1.1.0.2.1. Wayne Rooney costs £7,200,000, is selected by 11.4% (!) and his last five GW scores are: 1.1.2.1.1 and he’s being rested for the Europa League games now. In FPL terms, these lads are more toxic than the lovechild of Katie Hopkins and Nigel Farage, and with that mental image I shall bid you adieu until next week. No, sorry, the week after. Stupid Internationals.