PANIC: The World Has Run Out of Friggin’ Duck Phones

MTV’s hit show Jersey Shore has managed to make superstars out of people who could easily be confused for fake Louis Vuitton luggage, ironically the very same people that lack any emotional baggage. But as our love for the show and its stars — Snooki, The Situation,Paulie D — grows stronger and more resilient with each passing episode/barfight, there remains one cast member of the Jersey Shore home who, week in, week out, steals the show.

What we discovered, readers, will break your heart. THE WORLD HAS RUN OUT OF FRIGGIN DUCK PHONES.

Our “Duck Hunt” begins ahead.

A quick Google search of “Duck Phone” directed us to this website, designed by The National Epileptic Haters of America, called “Phone Phun.” This website seemed to offer the very same Duck Phone that has stolen the show over in America’s favorite herpes repository. But, alas, HEARTBREAKING NEWS:

First off, $150? BARGAIN. But it’s sold out! And clearly “Phone Phun” is being inundated with requests for this quacking miracle, as the language used — “we are trying to locate more” — appears to be a desperate attempt to quell its demanding customers. It seems that one of the issues with locating this phone is that it was manufactures back in the 1980s, when people still plugged their telephones into walls.

Undeterred, we kept searching. That’s when we found this “Duck Phone” knock-off:

$39.99 is a veritable steal for this miracle. Alexander Graham Bell is the opposite of rolling over in his grave right now! Only, scratch that, a-rollin’ he is because, once again, this duck phone is out of stock.

But relax, readers with unlimited amounts of expendable income. There is good news around the horizon. That’s because we have, in fact, located THE ONLY AUTHENTIC FRIGGIN DUCK PHONE FOR SALE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. Courtesy of Ebay, we present…

Indeed, there is a duck phone for sale. And it’s only $9.99! Well, for the day anyway. We’re guessing once the world finds out about this auction, the price will shoot up faster than Situation’s aggressive testosterone levels on the d-floor. Sotheby’s, you really dropped the ball on this one.

But fear not: We give it 3 more months until Duck Phones are on clearance at Urban Outfitters, and the magic is dead and gone.