Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Can Moslems tell jokes about their Faith? Here are some Catholic jokes

I am a Roman Catholic here are some jokes about my faith, now if I was a Moslem could I say jokes about my faith

Subject: FW: Humour for some excommunicated

*A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I
almost had an affair with another woman.' *
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well,
we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest
said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see
that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in
the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and
then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started
to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I
saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman
replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you,
that's the same as putting it in!'
*

*
*Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young
woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
*

*
*Catholic Dog*
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin’ a mass for the poor
creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have
services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the
lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something
for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'Father Patrick
exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya’ tell me the dog
was Catholic? *
*

*
*Donation*
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It
is!' 'This is the Taxation Department. Can you help us?' 'I'll try!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 'He is!' 'Did he donate
$10,000 to the church?' 'He will!'*
*

*
*Confession*
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with
each of them three times.'Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man:
'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm
Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years
old . I'm telling everybody!' *
*

* *
Brothel Trip*
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says. '90?' replies the woman.
'Don't you realise that you've had it?' 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man.
'How much do I owe you?' *
*

*
*Senility*
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget
to zip down.'
*

*
*Pest Control*
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the
woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet,
stark naked.The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of
the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man
replied. 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
*

*
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well. that's because we aren't married yet.'
*

*
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting onDaddy's lap.'
*

*
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' *
*

*
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face ormy sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of
humour!' *
*

*
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
head with a frying pan.*
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Betty was
the name of the horse I bet on,
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned!'*
*

*
Let us pray.
Give me a sense of humour, Lord,Give me the grace to see a joke,To get
some humour out of life, And pass it on to other folk