The Ependables: Action dripping with nostalgia

There once was a time when the explosion was king; a time when audiences stormed theaters to see fistfights and car chases. During this era of shrapnel and black eyes, three men stood atop Olympus and ruled with clenched fists. The cinematically omnipotent trifecta of Schwarzenegger, Willis and Stallone were all that was the summer blockbuster. With The Expendables, we return to this period of pure testosterone. Oh the 80s, how we’ve missed you.

The Expendables are a team of mercenaries. Led by Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) the team takes on jobs that others just can’t handle. The team’s mission coordinator, Tool (Mickey Rourke), is informed of two new missions for the group, one a “walk in the park” and the other “to hell and back”; three guesses which mission they sign on for. The mission involves traveling to Vilena, an island in the Gulf of Mexico, and overthrowing General Garza (David Zayas), an evil dictator. After meeting their contact, Sandra (Gisele Itié), and assessing the situation Ross decides that it is too complicated for his team. However, after failing to convince Sandra to leave with him Ross is faced with a difficult decision. Does he listen to his research or go with his gut? Again, three guesses.

I have been excited for this film ever since I heard that Stallone was thinking about it. As a 12-year-old, I believed that Rocky Balboa brought unity between the Soviet Union and the United States in his defeat of Ivan Drago. The first Spanish that I knew was followed by the word “baby”. Hell, I even saw Over the Top. In short, although I may be a child of the 90s I have a deep love of the action films of 80s. Now I saw Grindhouse and enjoyed every minute of it, but the concept was lost on me. I didn’t grow up seeing double features, I grew up with action excess. A film that is an homage to the golden age of action films was what I wanted. However, herein lies the problem. Die Hard and Rocky IV are products of that long lost time, and remain deeply rooted in that. To redo those films now would be akin to a 40-year-old that tries way too hard to adhere to the modern day “cool”. No Richard, that is not fresh.

Let us first attack the writing, the god-awful writing. Some would give Stallone a by but I say nay. We know that Stallone is capable of writing some damn good films, even the most recent Rocky Balboa was written well, so I don’t know if he tried to write terrible dialogue or if he got drunk to pound it out. As for the other writer, Dave Callaham, whoever you are, please put away your pen. I’m not even going to fault the film for its formulaic and predictable story since its 80s brethren often succumb to this same pit of despair; the problem is the dialogue. Seriously, no one talks like these guys, ever, and the final scene, which sees Jason Statham engaging in poetry that is sickenly awful, is a terrible note to leave on. Then there are the character names. Lee Christmas, Ying Yang, Hale Caesar and Toll Road. The shear act of recounting them is upsetting. I doubt that any cast could have pulled off this dialogue, but that of course brings us to the next problem, the acting.

I hesitate to refer to what goes on in the film as acting, in some cases it is little more than script reading. Randy Couture as the aforementioned Toll Road is absolutely terrible, and I have no problem saying that since I am confident he will never read this. Mr. Couture, you are a great fighter, but there is no Oscar gold in your future. His acting is so terrible that scenes are made worse by every line he delivers. The other members of the cast just barely scrape by as they utter the words that were crapped into the screenplay. Nevertheless, one scene exists as a diamond in the rough. Mickey Rourke injects a short scene in which he recounts his time on the job with such emotion and authenticity that I was shocked to see it in this film.

Do not get the wrong impression; The Expendables is completely worth the price of admission. The film is an action film through and through and my disappointments with it come from a place of heightened expectations. A scene featuring the trio of action deities is delivered with tongue firmly in cheek and will satisfy any fan. The two standouts of the entire film are Dolph Lundgren and Terry Crews. Lundgren knows exactly what he signed up for and is both intimidating and funny. As for Terry Crews, the guy has very little screen time but manages to be one of the best parts of the final action set piece. Then of course, there is the action. Despite an overuse of CGI blood, which does nothing but hurt a film, the action is fantastic. The final set piece, which lasts for at least half an hour, easily increased my rating of the film by half a letter grade.

My expectations of The Expendables were admittedly too high. I went in hoping to see one of the best action films of all time and left underwhelmed. The writing is the film’s Achilles’ heel. There is little to no character development and dialogue that is unspeakable. Some of the acting especially that of former wrestlers and current fighters is distractingly awful. Nevertheless, the action does not disappoint. The film features action set pieces that are over-the-type and completely awesome. I often had to fight the urge to stand up and cheer during every explosion. The film will not be remembered as a cinematic masterpiece but more likely as the film that brought together Schwarzenegger, Willis and Stallone. The Expendables has some glaring faults but it is complete testosterone entertainment.