How To Regain Trust

Doc Love: Dealing With Trust Issues

Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If your girl gets drunk, she should be texting you, not some other dude!” You refer to your issues with Jamie as “trust” issues, but I prefer to call them loyalty issues. Why is Jamie talking to an ex at all? If you’ve read "The System,"you know that there should never be any exes lurking in the background. I don’t like it because it’s disloyal. But, OK, let’s give Jamie the benefit of the doubt and call this first incident an accident.

To you psych majors, not wanting you to be “upset” by being in contact with an ex is an excuse all disloyal women use. Anytime they see an ex behind your back, they say it’s because they didn’t want to upset you. How thoughtful, right? But when you find out, of course you’re upset — you flip, which reinforces the problem. The point is that she shouldn’t be talking to her exes — period. Now, with this second incident of Jamie talking to a guy behind your back, we have a coincidence.

And why are you talking to your exes, pal? You shouldn’t be. Because this tells Jamie indirectly that it’s OK for her to talk to her exes. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Bro, you’re just as messed up as she is!”

Now Jamie is in contact with a third guy, which means we have a pattern. (Like I’ve told you guys in the past, you have to think like a cop on Special Victims Unit.) So she’s talking to three guys — and these are only the ones she’s telling you about. There are likely more since you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that Jamie is a liar. Boris, I know you’re upset because she did all of this sneaking around behind your back, but that’s not the point: She shouldn’t be talking to other men at all. You shouldn’t have a girlfriend who’s in contact with all kinds of guys. What is this girl — 18 and a senior in high school? You don’t mention her age, but that’s how she acts.

Guy, you should tell Jamie that you’re going to take a 60-day break from her. You took a break from her before, but it didn’t accomplish a thing. Like my cousin General Love says, “You have to show her that you mean business.”

Jamie might have taken action to make you feel better, but she keeps presenting you with the same problem: guys and phones. Don’t you see the pattern here? I don’t care if Jamie lied to you. The problem is that she’s contacting other guys in the first place.

You’re absolutely right that Jamie doesn’t get that she hurt you, Boris. And that’s why she should be history. And she hates talking things out, so that’s another problem with her personality. Could you live with someone like her if you were married to her? No, you couldn’t. In a long-term relationship, you have to be able to talk things out with a woman.

You can’t trust Jamie now and not worry about what she does behind your back. She doesn’t merit your trust. Trust is earned, and she hasn’t done it — simple as that.

You should question everything, my friend, especially authority and reading the words of other love doctors who don’t know what they’re talking about. But you understand me and you already see the big red flag here: Jamie isn’t loyal.

Sadly, you can’t work this trust issue out and get back to a good place, for one simple reason: Jamie is not trustworthy.

Remember, guys: If you can’t turn your back on her and be safe, what good is she?