Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Always Use Some Horse-Sense When Choosing a Wife

(Note: None of
the details presented in this post are made up.That’s right; sometimes the truth is just that funny!)

The Internet
news organizations were sent into gyrations a few weeks ago when North Korea
leader Kim Jong Un was seen in a photo with (GASP!) a woman.But not just any woman, she was a “mystery”
woman.Not to worry, the South Korea
intelligence service sprang into action to find out all they could about this
chick. This means either they don’t have enough to do or they are very horny
guys, or both.

Unfortunately
the U.S. could not send agents over there to support their efforts after the
Columbian call-girl scandal.Having our
guys spy on beautiful, young, women is just asking for trouble, and let’s face
it, too darn expensive.

The South
Korean agents quickly identified the woman as Hyon Song Wol, a singer known for
the hit party songs; “Footsteps of Soldiers”, “She is a Discharged Soldier” and
“We are Troops of the Party”.Yep, great
party songs, Communist Party songs.No
indoctrination going on there!But Wol’s
greatest hit was “Excellent Horse-Like Lady” released in 2005.

Now of course
this is disturbing.I have always questioned
the North Koreans’ taste in women since 2000 when 63 year-old Secretary of
State Madeline Albright made a diplomatic trip there. The North Korean leaders all wanted to dance
with her because they thought she was hot!Hell, Madeline Albright wasn’t even hot when she was 23!There is something really wrong here.So if the North Koreans think Maddie was a
babe, they may just take a second look at ol’ Sadie.

I have never
thought about comparing horses to women.Sure I appreciate sleek, shapely, legs.But I prefer only two, without hooves, please.And what guy doesn’t value a set of
championship caliber hind-quarters?, but that is as far as it goes.

However when
I watched the “Excellent Horse-Like Lady” music video (yes there is one), it
showed three happy, very attractive, (no horsing around here) women working in
a factory.So it is excellent to “work”
like a horse, but not look (or even smell) like one.Therefore it appears maybe the North Koreans
are making progress in evaluating female beauty.

But then the
shocking news came out that the mystery woman was not Hyon Sol Wol, but was really
Ri Sol Ju.Then the news reports started
to sound like a “smart- phone” commercial.

“We just
found out that Kim Jung Un likes Ri Sol Ju” (that is so 28 seconds ago)

“Wait, she is
really his wife!” (that is so 32 seconds ago)

“And they
have a 3-year old son!” (that is so 15 seconds ago)

So Kim found
a woman, got married, and had a three year-old son all in the span of three
weeks!And you thought North Korea was
behind the times!

Not the "First Lady" of North Korea

The good news
is that Kim has made an excellent choice and Ri does not resemble a horse.She does not have a “long-face”.In fact a North Korean man interviewed for a
news report said she has a “round face” and clear skin.Her legs are shapely, hoove-less and not
overly hairy.Unfortunately there are no
photos available to adequately evaluate her hind-quarters, but she is a former
cheerleader so we can assume that there is no capitalist junk in that
trunk.The guy interviewed for the news
report also said that Ri makes an excellent image of an obedient, comrade, wife
and she even “wears colors”!

Kim’s father
had four or five wives so Kim is well on his way to collecting a fine stable of
fillies.And because he is 28, likes
video games and is in control of a nuclear arsenal, we want him to get all the
mane and tail that he wants.

We want him
very happy – and exhausted - every night, if you get my drift.So my advice to Kim is “Giddy Up!”