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>> Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I have a love/hate relationship with our local paper, the Mitchell News-Journal. On the one hand, I cannot abide the incredibly offensive and unsubstantiated letters to the editor they choose to print that make the entire population sound like homophobic Republican bible-bangers, nor can I stand the "Rants and Raves" column in which local nutcases are allowed to leave crazy phone messages which are then printed anonymously. Yes, yes, I understand the freedom of speech perfectly well, and I do believe that everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, no matter how hate-filled or wrong-headed it is. But that doesn't mean the Mitchell News-Journal has to keep printing them, and I've said as much to the publisher. (It is a small town, after all, and I know him.)

But the Mitchell News-Journal is often hilariously (and usually unwittingly) entertaining as well, as in this priceless letter to the editor from a local resident of Spruce Pine, North Carolina:

Dear Editor,

For many years prior to embracing Jesus Christ into my life, I spent considerable time at astrological relationships to earthly events.

Upon reading the Bible it became clear to me that the good book's writers frowned upon this practice. (Horoscopes are generally looked upon as horror-scopes!)

On the other side of the ledger, however, we cannot deny that the moon affects the tides. Ask anyone in a hospital, the full moon increases activity there, as well as at police stations.

We know in retrospect there was a major planetary conjunction when 9/11 took place; when the stock market crashed in 2008, when Chernobyl blew up, and numerous other such events took place, not least many earthquakes.

We are about to experience another major event, substantially larger than any of the above. A conjunction of this magnitude has not taken place in over 10,000 years.

While the conjunction has been building up for at least seven months, the maximum force will be between July 30 and Aug. 2 of this year, ebbing off for some eight months after.

It might be a good idea to have some food, and a full tank of gas at your disposal, and a couple of $100 in cash on hand during those days. ATM's may not work.

Now, to be the most helpful, I really should have posted this BEFORE July 30-August 2. I hope none of you experienced any major Chernobyl-grade events in your lives over the weekend! (And no, Lindsay Lohan being released from jail yesterday does not count.)

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