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The Top Ten Least Relatable Lines On Mitski’s New Album “Be The Cowboy”

1. ‘I’ll be around on Sunday’ – Old Friend

I have work meetings all day Sunday, actually! I have to run a unicorn camp on Monday. I guess Mitski could be doing this as well, but I feel like I would’ve heard about it by now, probably through a dramatically lit photoshoot.

2. ‘Walk up in my high heels’ – Lonesome Love

I have worn high heels three (3) times in my life. The first two times — middle school graduation and a ballet — I got caught in a grate. The third, prom, I took them off after 20 minutes and made my friend trade shoes with me. This isn’t to say they’re bad; I just lack Mitski’s balance.

3. ‘In the morning, in a taxi’ – Lonesome Love

I live in a tiny rural town with two taxis that go to the ferry. If I took them, I would be getting a lecture from my mom about the value of money and the importance of public transit.

4. ‘So I open the window’ – Nobody

My roommate and I broke our window at the start of spring, and now it’s permanently stuck at about an inch open, unable to move. This one actually really hits hard by reminding me of my home’s architectural failings, so I’m no longer sure if it belongs on this list.

5. ‘Does it smell like a school gymnasium in here? / It’s funny how they’re all the same’ – Two Slow Dancers

As someone who went to several elementary schools, I can confirm that there are actually two school gymnasium smells: Rubber and Rubber But Also Hot Lunch Because It Doubles As A Cafeteria.

Okay, you know what? This article was going to be a Top Ten, but I got to the last of the Genius lyric pages, and these were all the un-relatable lines I could find. Every single other line of this album deeply and profoundly speaks to my experiences and feelings and makes me feel like I’m no longer alone. Please listen to it and have your heart gently mended. Now I’m gonna go try to fix my window again.