Let's Talk About the Big Flaw in the Body Positivity Movement

This article was written by a member of the SheKnows Community. It has not been edited, vetted or reviewed by our editorial staff, and any opinions expressed herein are the writer’s own.

Sex is usually one of the most enjoyable and exciting parts of a relationship. For me, it is a bit more complicated. You see, I am a size 16. I know, I know, the average American is now a size 16 and I’m supposed to feel normal and just as confident as a size 4 woman, but I don’t.

I imagine all women feel a little nervous disrobing in front of their partner for the first time. It’s natural to feel that way, you’re making yourself vulnerable. But it’s a little more nerve-racking when you don’t look anything like the women you see in ads, movies, television and Instagram. In fact, it can be so stressful that sex almost becomes unenjoyable.

Don’t get me wrong – we’ve made big strides with the body positivity movement and that’s all great. Women are accepting other women. We’re more accepting of each other’s bodies, but we have failed to break the stereotype that plus size women can’t be sexy. Being fat may be tolerated now, but it’s definitely not considered sexy. The only time plus size women are considered sexy, is if someone has a BBW fetish. Sexy plus size women are not normal in our culture.

So what’s it actually like to have sex as a plus size woman? Here’s a preview.

First let’s start with everything that happens leading up to sex. If a guy hits on you, you don’t jump right to flattery. First, you wonder: Am I a part of a bet with his friends or something? Is he playing a joke? Is he on a dare? Is he a weirdo with a BBW fetish?

After you’re finally convinced he does indeed want to have sex with you and it’s not a part of a bet or a joke and you’re certain he’s not a murderer, a whole new set of problems come up. What if I look bigger than he imagined when my clothes are off and everything isn’t sucked in by Spanx? Maybe I can manage to keep my top on to cover my stomach. I can’t expect him to go down on me. He’d be too grossed out by my big thighs and fat vagina so I shouldn’t even ask. Maybe I can just get him to do doggy style so he doesn’t see my stomach jiggle. If you are on bottom, make sure to keep your chin up so he doesn’t see your double chin. That’ll definitely gross him out.

I know this is not what men are actually thinking, but that’s not the point of this post. There are great men out there who do truly find their partner’s bodies beautiful. But there are men who don’t and there are women who don’t. There are businesses and brands and celebrities and co-workers and friends who don’t and that’s what still needs to change. We need to stop just tolerating bigger bodies, but start viewing them as sexy, because they are. And they’re not just sexy because we live in an age where we can’t offend anyone. They are sexy because they are vessels for amazing human beings. They are sexy in the same way that a size 2 woman’s body is sexy. They are sexy because we are important, because we are strong and because we matter too.