Girl Code

I have surrounded myself with the best women … cultivated relationships and deep friendships with strong, smart, silly, sassy and sexy women. We all have one thing in common … we have each other’s back.

These are strong women who can stand on their own two feet.

These are smart women who know how to take care of themselves. I value their intelligence and learn so much from my smart sisters!

These are silly women who know how to laugh at themselves and each other when we make a faux pas.

These are sassy women who take no shit from anyone.

These are vibrant, sexy women who know what they want, when they want it and how.

And we all understand Girl Code.

You don’t poach. You don’t cross boundaries. You value the friendship – because let’s face it – the friendships outlast the relationships and sustain us through the difficult times.

One of the challenges that make dating in 2017 interesting is the fact that we do run into the same men. Like any unwritten rule, it can get sketchy. Has a friend had a sexual relationship with this guy? If so, then he is probably off limits. If someone is interested, usually the other women will back off unless there are complications. For example, I have dated someone who my friend was interested in, but he had asked me out. She and I talked it out and smoothed it over and everyone was happy … which isn’t always the case. High school drama still plays out in our 50s! We just want to lessen the likelihood of that happening … because life is too short to cat fight over dates.

And who wants their crazy ex dragged into the middle of your social circle? Buh bye. It’s difficult enough when you are tripping over each other.

I’ve ended friendships and relationships when the code has been breached. While none of us – myself included – are perfect, I like to think we learn and are better equipped to handle life’s difficult choices as we age. Some people don’t – which is ok – you can live by your own moral code. Just don’t expect our rivers to rise to the same elevation. Sounds cliquey perhaps, but I find that the older I get, the less tolerant I am of bullshit.

And there isn’t a man-hater in the group. We love the men who we love and still find time for our treasured female friendships. These are intersecting circles. The friendships enrich us, while it doesn’t connect our intimacies. Women provide something that other women crave. Community. Belonging. Chatter. Validation. And yes … we discuss the men. We do chick stuff together … because “Let’s go get a mani & pedi” said no guy ever!

While Heather was out with the ladies a few weeks ago, one guy hit up multiple women in our group for their number. Automatic disqualification.

Female relationships are not meant to be threatening to men, but they can be. Approach our pack on the dance floor … We don’t mean to be cock-blocks but we are.

Girl code was not created to be about men. It’s about loyalty, kindness, goodness, helpfulness to the other women in our lives. It’s about having the grace to put our girlfriends FIRST. It’s about nurturing our friends who we have chosen as family … and honouring the sisterhood.

Most of us have had major disruptions in our lives … divorce, custody, illness, death, job loss, heartbreak … and we choose to put our lives aside for one moment, one day, one night, one week, one month to help our girlfriend in need. I am blessed to reap the rewards and have had so many wonderful women step forward to carry me through my (latest) crisis.

Our friendships are cemented in blood, trials and tears. And wine.

These are the women who write “text me when you are home safe” … and mean it. We’ve gone searching for AWOL women.

These are the women who tell you that you have spinach between your teeth … because they are secure enough to always want you to look your best. Empowered women empower other women. We rejoice in each other’s success. We don’t vilify to justify our weak position.

We have arguments and we get past them. We forgive and we forget.

Not all friendships have survived my girl code. I can be pretty ruthless when I have decided to make a cut. It’s a matter of broken trust, which is hard to regain. If someone violates the Girl Code it changes the dynamics of your relationship. It hurts.

And there are some violations of trust that are in excess of the attachment. The friendship can no longer be sustained. Each of us have our own version of this (unwritten) code – which makes it difficult to navigate. There are subtleties and flavours.

One woman will not tolerate anyone flirting with her significant other. Another woman may be able to laugh it off … to a point. Yet another woman will not care. He’s either coming home with her or going home with what he thinks is a better option. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Knowing what to do is about respect and reading social cues.

Some breaches are repairable. Others are not. And I don’t apologize when they are not. I never really understood what it meant to not care what others think … until I got there. Zero fucks were given. “Turn the other cheek” does not mean lie down and be a doormat. It means love your neighbour as you love yourself. And as adults, that means we expect a certain level of responsibility in our adult actions. I can accurately assess whether the violation is larger than the friendship.

I don’t fully understand why some make the cut and some don’t. I’ve analyzed why I’ve made quick decisions. Some arguments can be rationalized in a psychologist’s office and some can’t. I still don’t give a fuck. Maybe I was hormonal on a full moon?! Nope. I’m mostly logical … with a French Canadian fuse.

It doesn’t mean we are Stepford Wives where each ‘bot must think and behave like the other. We are totally cool with you getting under someone to get over someone. In fact, we will be your wing woman. But we will close ranks when you hurt one of us. You’ve seen that facebook meme saying “Throw me to the wolves and I will come out leading the pack”? … Indeed.

I had lunch with a lovely group of women today. We talked for two hours … about our lives, loves, my cancer, my blog, their happenings and blessings … and there wasn’t one negative comment, nor a smidgen of gossip. These are the women I want to surround me. It is not just lovely, it is a privilege to know and love them.

We tell each other hard truths. Deliver bad news. We have buried our heads and cried together. Drank bottles of wine. But we know we are safe in each other’s arms.

I’ve had to suck it up, put my big girl panties on, and listen to constructive criticism. And I either took it in stride or let it go in one ear and out the other. But I do know that it came from a place of concern vs contempt.