Friday, August 22, 2008

Not all that long ago, I off-handedly made fun of a guy who came by here through a Google search of "how to be a badass". I had written in that post that I don't get all that many hits via search engines that are worth mentioning. That statement remained true until today, when I checked my stat manager and found a couple of noteworthy search strings.

Some of them are too good to not write about, and since I can't think of anything else better to write about today, I'll mention a few and see what I can do to help them out. It also will give me the chance to publicly make fun of them.

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1) "high on clonazepem"Ah, yes. Thank you for stopping by, pharmaceutical abuser. You were probably looking for ways to achieve your needed high by using the drug clonazepem. You won't find instructions on that here, which I'm sure you found out rather quickly. Now, I wouldn't know this from personal experience, but I've heard that you can achieve a high from clonazepem by grinding them into a powder and snorting it, or by injecting it if you can get it into a liquid form. You might want to ask your dealer first, but I can also suggest swallowing 37 pills with a liter of bottom-shelf vodka. Let me know how that works out for you.

2) "room fogger how to"I'll start off by saying that I'm assuming you are at least quasi-literate, since you came here by doing an Internet search, intending to read about "how to" use a room fogger. I'll then say that I am slightly puzzled as to why you needed to do an Internet search to learn how to use them, as the instructions on both the box and the fogger itself are very simple and concise. Shake can, point away from face, press down locking tab, exit room immediately. There is something to be said about making sure you're doing things correctly, but I think you're a little over cautious here. Then again, perhaps you're looking for more direction, already having used the fogger incorrectly. That could explain your mental deficit.

4) "my nose" "husband farted"I'm completely and utterly confused by this one. It is just too strange to not mention. But thank you for stopping by and reading just about all of my archives. Does anyone have any ideas on this one? I'm at a loss.

5) "bad ass fountains for desk"Prior to reading this on my search engine hit report, I would never have thought to apply the term "badass" to a fountain. I can't imagine that the poor soul looking for a fountain for their desk found one that was indeed badass. I can't even imagine what a badass fountain would look like, if there even is such a thing. It would probably spouts flames instead of water, be made out of steel and carbon fiber instead of porcelain, and would have the likeness of Gene Simmons sculpted into it instead of cherubs or dolphins.

6) "what happens if take 12 clonazepem"I'm just taking a shot in the dark on this one, but you'd probably either achieve a chemically-induced high (like the guy mentioned above was looking for), or you'd achieve a chemically-induced untimely death. Always ask your doctor before taking twelve times the recommended dose of a highly addictive sedative.

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There have got to be other funny or otherwise odd or interesting search hits out there. I urge you all that have SiteMeter or Google Analytics to gather up your most interesting search hits and write about them. Or at least mention them in a comment here, because I get a huge kick out of stuff like this.

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Comments:

Personally I think the badass fountain might be in the shape of the ass and the water would come out of...oh...never mind. If it was a pencil holder then the pencils would be stuck in...oh...never mind that either. Like the visuals? :-)

I'm with moonspun. I don't think that one googler was looking for a "badass" fountain...I think it was a "bad ass fountain." Like an inexpertly created fountain in the shape of an ass. So, not only was the search silly, the searcher wasn't going to find any information on that here.

I get a ton on "Sprint retentions" and "Sprint sucks" and "canceling Sprint contract" which has to do with the fact that I HATE SPRINT AND I CANCELED MY CONTRACT, but those aren't funny.My favorite right now is "I am a fourteen year old boy." Because, um, what?