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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Last night I started writing about how last year, around this time, I took this trip away from the ordinary for 24 hours and how amazing it was. I decided to change the subject today and talk about something else: love.

What is love anyways? I never understood love. I was watching this documentary about love and how we need to love ourselves and let the love of God guide us on what love is. I have followed these women talk about love and although many of them seemed happy, some of them were quite disappointed I could say. Many of them were at the age where they did not have children although they wish they had some and it was quite possibly too late for them to even conceive. Many of them did not want to have children but they wanted to have that special someone to be around them when they are home for the lonely days. Many of the women that were showcased in the documentary were professionals and they were very successful. I guess in order for a woman to be successful she must sacrifice the family that she always dreamed of. It is a sad reality that as women we have to sacrifice so much to become someone. One thing that gets me regarding my life is when people, especially other women, judge women for the decisions that they make. From my studies I have learned that in the past women have gone through so much to be where they are today and still, we have to sacrifice and accept things or better yet, challenge things from our own lives to become who we we are intended to be.

I have made my decision earlier in life to have children and I have two beautiful and smart daughters that I am very proud of. It is very tough to be the sole parent to them and the only support that I get is my mother and my sister. I sometimes fear that someday, when they will all be grown up, my daughters will not have the tools and the knowledge to be who they are meant to be. I do the best that I know. I do the best that I can. I do MY best. I love my daughters unconditionally and I take my role as a parent serious.

As far as career goes, I am on my way to the top and although it is hard to do it in my situation I don't look at it as impossible. I look at it as challenging. And I love a good challenge, I mean after all these years I am a pro at challenges. There are many new things I am going to take on this year like following my dreams and take the necessary steps in doing so. YES! I am excited!

When it comes to relationship with that significant other...it has got to wait until that "other" will be the one to enhance my dreams and support my challenges. Being single is giving me the power to think and to move forward without having to wait for someone to be at the same level that I am. I am not saying I am closing my door but instead I am focusing on what is important. When that significant other will show up the door is unlocked. I am happy with myself, by myself. I am happy that I get to have my health and my motivation to move forward. I am happy that I am happy o.O

In conclusion, I am looking forward to the new year and what it has to offer. I am looking forward to overcoming my challenges and to be spending the time with my children. I am looking forward to spending time with my family and my friends. i am looking forward to making new friends and new relationships with people that will be meaningful. Life is beautiful and I am happy to be in it!

Monday, December 20, 2010

I am geting ready for my exam and I am totally unprepared for it. Yes, I do have a B+ average so far and that should help...That was just random.

Holidays are approaching and I am as prepared as I will ever be. I want to bring out this year the real meaning of the Holidays and not just because I am totally broke but also for the fact that I want my children to understand that REAL meaning of it. We are not going to buy any gifts and I didn't buy any as of yet. We are not expecting any gifts and I had made it clear to my friends not to bother. We are, however going to have a feast and we will be making all kinds of foods from back home. We will be baking and the kids will be included in the making of this food and we will be giving thanks to the All Mighty for providing us with the abundance of the things we will have on our table.

Just as it was growing up, we will be warming up all of the food on the morning of Christmas Day and the kids will have an opportunity to sample all the foods that we will be making. We will be going to church to say our blessings. I do not want to forget my spiritual side and I want to introduce my children to it as well. It is in fact what kept me sane all these years, I want the same for my kids.

I am soo excited for my Christmas Day! Looking forward to spending it with my family and the ones that I consider family!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I have been asking myself this question for many years not understanding the concept of love.

I have had many people explain to me what love is supposed to be, feel or what I should expect from love. I have encountered a few occasions where I had though that I was in love. But the truth is I have never loved anyone. I have been in a few relationships lasting anywhere from 8 months to 3 years with a few dates here and there but I cannot say that I have loved any of this men. How could I? In the end I have been lied to, cheated on, treated like a second class citizen, abused to name a few. The feeling that I had for them was just an illusion, a want and a need to feel accepted and wanted by someone so I have given so much of me that I do not have anything left to give.

I have taken time to learn that the only love that matters is my love for myself and that love is the only true love. I have learned that in order for me to have the ability to love someone I have to know what love feels like and loving myself is what unconditional love is. Yes, Yes, Yes...I feel Free! I feel Liberated! I am me and I love myself. I don't know if I will really love someone the way I love myself, but what I know for sure is that in loving myself I will be ensured that I receive the love that I need and that I will not settle for substitutes. On another note, I really do not want to settle for someone that has a lot of issues to work on unless he is taking the necessary steps in working on these issues himself and start already. There is nothing worst than meeting someone that is nowhere near starting on working on his issues and knowing how far I have come, I will not back down for anyone.

For the one that is out there meant to be MY one, I'm here doing my thing and if it happens that we meet, that would be lovely...but until then I will continue loving myself because to me, that's what love is!

Monday, December 13, 2010

2010 had been a year that I will never forget. Many ups and downs that I have had to deal with, many friendships made and some lost and the power of moving forward that I have come to own.

The ups and downs were just things that I have dealt with whether they were new things or things that I had to finalize and move away from. I have to say that although it had been hard, I am proud of what I have accomplished this year and one thing in particular is my "finding" of myself that I can honestly say I am happy with...myself.

Let me talk a little bit about the friendships and when it comes to the ones that I have lost, well they are lost for a good reason...expiration date had been long gone but I had forgotten to discard the people that were somewhat poison in my life. When people do not contribute to my growing I have learned that it is better to let them go and move on. I don't mean to sound cruel but if I do not take care of myself no one else is. Everyone is out there taking care of themselves and here I was taking care of everyone else but me. It is time I raise my hand and stand up. My time has come to grow. And that I will be doing.

Moving forward comes hand in hand with the issues above and also with the fact that I have learned to deal with those things first hand.

Resolutions for the new year are just a continuum of the last year's resolutions and that is for me to be ME and have the power to know the difference.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I feel that I need to bring about new changes, new beginnings and new things in my life.

Throughout my entire life I have done so many different things in order to make money; things like working in a field picking fruits from the trees and vegetables off the ground; to working as a waitress in my father's pizza parlor; to working on high end salons as a hairdresser; to working as a childcare provider; to being involved in social service sector assisting with diverse aspects implementing tasks such as fundraising, developing, coordinating, outreaching and facilitating programs in order to assist clients facing various issues. Many of the people that know me well can testify to the different placesI have been throughout my life and many can say that I have done my job well. The latter task I was involved in felt natural to me: Helping people is something that I can honestly say I am good at and I do it even if it means working extra hours and at times I have done it for less than pennies. Even though I was left broke, at the end of the day it felt good to know that someone's life had been changed for the better because of my influence.

Now it is time for me to move on to the next level and start doing something that I am good at and add some fun twist to it. There will be sacrifices to be made, there will be sleepless nights and hard work involved but it will all be worth it. Nothing that comes easy will stay for long therefore I am willing to work hard and have this next level of my life stay for a while.

So, with all of that being said, I am inviting you to stand by close to me in order for you to be able to share my next movement that will be glorious and fulfilling and all because I AM READY!

Many times I look around me and by seeing how the world functions all I feel its sadness.If I would have the power I would make the world a perfect place by making everyone well, most everyone, happy by providing a little more than the basic essentials such as food, shelter, clothing, health care and create space for self care. Self care does not have to be something we are afraid of or feel that we do not deserve.

Everyone needs self care in whichever the format may come be it as simple as a bubble bath or just having a conversation with friends to going somewhere in a vacation either by themselves or with a bunch of friends. Whatever the case may be in MY perfect world people will have room for self care. Personally I deprive myself of luxurious self care methods simply because I cannot afford it. My best self care practice is getting a pedicure late at night in the comfort of my own home. It may sound unusual to some and many have asked me why I'm not going to a parlor and get it done as it shall be less work for me since someone else will be working on my feet giving me a chance to relax. I don't see it that way. Besides the fact that I could go home with Lord knows what from the other person before me that the utensils had been used on and not properly cleaned (Yuck), I get a chance to look at my feet, to caress my sole and my toes and massage them as they really deserve it. My feet take me places and carry my body (my temple) where I need to go and they get to be looking pretty especially during the summer when I have to wear an open toe shoe. Yes, I love my feet and I feel that they deserve the best and the most suitable candidate of providing the best IS me. I also feel that by getting a chance to touch them its a good way to reflect on where my feet had taken me (the beach, school, job interviews, work, outdoors, dates, weddings, restaurants, hospitals, funerals, happy and sad places) and what I have accomplished by me getting there. It gives me a chance to thank them for providing the ability to move me places, to take me away from the ordinary, to help me escape situations where I had to run to be safe or to just take me places where I needed to be at that particular moment. When I am home and its all quiet I feel my feet thanking me while they rest in warm water mixed with Epsom salts and tea tree oil. While I get to clean them I feel them getting lighter and while I massage them I feel their ability to "breathe" easily and "thanking" me for taking care of them. And the funnest part, when I apply red nail polish (always red for me), I feel my feet "smiling" and "giggling" as I make them feel special ~ the same special feeling they give me when I accomplished my goals because they have carried me places.

Yes, taking care of Self should not be a chore but a chance to get to know Self better and to take the time to say "Thank You!" to ourselves for the great accomplishments we have achieved. After all if we do not do it, how can we expect someone else to and expect them to do it perfectly? And although I may not change the world by taking care of my feet, I damn sure will be more prepared for whatever life will throw at me if I am more capable to STAND UP! I know that my feet is MY self care but I encourage you to find yoursand don't forget to Thank Yourself Now! Your Mind, Body and Soul will Thank You After!

I wake up in the morning thinking How You AreIn the midst of things I wonder if You think of MeIs it true? Tell me before I ask, do you care?Do you have a heart? Is it filled with love?Love me! Love me as I love you!

Monday, November 1, 2010

For the last few years I have been to hell and back some can say and it is not the first time I've experienced that but this time around had been though. It wasn't me alone that have had to travel to the extreme but I had brought my two children with me for the roller coaster ride.

During this time I needed a lot of support from the people around me and I felt it was my RIGHT to get it from them. I was crying, ranting, venting and most of my friends were listening to me either they wanted to or not ~ Yes, I am blessed to have some of the best people in this Planet around me. The problem that I have with myself, and I have noticed this as of late, is that I keep on ranting and it doesn't really do me any good. I am not learning and I am craving knowledge. I take full blame for it and I know that that its because I am not listening to others enough.

It is time I start learning how to listen actively and I am making myself a promise that I will allow people to speak first and take in their stories as an experience. So for that I will enforce the following:

look people in the eye if permitted

allow them to speak without interruptions

make it all about them and not include me in the process

In order for me to learn how to listen I will practice not talking unless asked a question directly and make the answer just about that question.

I understand it is a process and I do need to have patience to succeed but perseverance will overcome and it will benefit me in the long run because as I Learn to Listen I will Listen to Learn and that will be a reward on its own, something that most people are afraid to do. I am hoping that by doing so it will strengthen my relationships with the people that are already here, standing strong and tall in my life and for the new people that are coming into my life: What's your story?

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I am constantly reminded by practically everyone around me of the days to come and the things that I have to do for tomorrow and for the days ahead. What I have been asking myself lately is that why isn’t anyone concentrating on today, on NOW, this moment? So I am taking the matter into my own hands and I will be living my life according to MY RULES...Living In The NOW! I figured it must be simple and guess what? I am right. I am not saying to rule out some things that matter for the future such as financial stability and a good sense of self, however when it comes to my everyday life I want to live in the moment and make EVERY moment count. I know that the Creator will make me a better person because by appreciating what I have in front of me will assist me into realizing that the small things do make a big difference in the long run. Taking the time will help me improve on myself starting with the inner self. Lately I have been rushing through things and taking a lot of time for other people to be of assistance to their needs that I have forgotten of my own needs in the process and that had contributed to me running low on energy for myself. So after analyzing a few things I have come up with the conclusion that Living In The NOW will allow me to do the following:

• Take better care of myself which will allow me to take better care of my children• Be more aware of my needs which will allow me to be more aware of my children’s needs• Create a better person out of me which will help me rule out the people that I need to eliminate out of my life, you know the ones that always want to take but never want to give back in return.

Yes, Living In The NOW will allow me to become the person that I want to be and that in its own will improve my future. So from now on when I will hear someone talking to me about my future my question for them will be: “What have you done for yourself lately? “

Friday, October 22, 2010

I'm laying on the floor feeling the coldness of the hardwood. I started to breathe. I tried to clear my mind to eliminate the negative thought that are coming through my mind about my life. Although it feels hard to believe that I have achieved so much so far, I feel as if I am looking at another better person that me. It is me, in fact, the one that I am looking at. I breathe again, I let the air feel my stomach. I feel the toxins coming out of my body as I breathe out. I breathe again, and this time I feel a tear escaping my eye. Why? Because all the negative thoughts, actions and feelings are coming out of me. OUT! I know I am strong and I can do anything, and YES I am realizing, again, that the strong one that I am looking at it is me. Yes I have done it, I have made it through tougher situations but I am tired. I remind myself of the tiredness that I feel through my body. More tears escape my soul and the more tears are coming out the better I feel. I needed this cry. I needed to feel, I needed to experience...and I felt, I experienced...

I feel wings of courage coming to take me to where I need to go. Yes, I can do this. I WILL do this. My vision of myself is where it needs to be at this time. I was supposed to learn something and I have learned it. I am STRONG! And that in itself it is more than what others posses.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Sixteen years ago I landed in Canada with hopes and dreams of a better life.

It feels like yesterday my sister and I were in the plane maping out our lives,hoping for the better and fearing the worst. Our biggest fear was that my father would change his mind and not wait for us in the airport ( for the ones who do not know, he was absent from our lives for 10 years prior). We were making plans for what are we going to do in case that happens. "I'm taking the first plane back." my sister said. "Not me, Im staying!" I replied. That courage was coming from inside of me thinking that the hardships I had to endure and the lifestyle that I left behind was not an incentive for me to even think of going back. I will make it, I will work hard and make things possible for me. After all this is the land of opportunities, this is the land where dreams become reality, this is the land where people make something of themselves and hard work will speak for itself.

Although it had been very hard and many obstacles had come my way, I can honestly say that I am happy being here. I am happy that my life had changed and that the decision that I made to stay here in Canada had turned out to be one of the best decision that I have made.

I sit back and wonder sometimes what my life would have been like if I were not to come here. I will probably be married to someone that I don`t love. He would get to make decisions for me. I would be raising children and not be appreciated for it. I may or may not have been working and if I were to be working I probably would not have control over my money.

I thank the Creator for allowing me to live my life now the way I want to, the way that it makes me happy! I thank the Creator for giving me endless opportunities for improvement on myself and on making a diference in someone`s life, my children`s life! Thank you!

Friday, June 4, 2010

From past experiences I realised that life is full of surprises but having the right support makes a crucial difference on what we become as individuals. To give you an example, let me tell you a little about my past. When I came to Canada, 16 years ago, I had nothing in my pocket and I wasn't equipped with knowledge about life either, at least not equipped with the lifestyle here, in Canada. I didn't speak the language, didn't have any friends, I was an outkast amongst my fellow Romanians as they were cooler than me simply because they came here before I did and obviously they knew much more than me about the Canadian way. I tried to make friends with many of them but it was hard because as much as I tried I did not feel like I belonged. My lifestyle at home was diferent than what they will encounter with their own families. They thought I was this lucky young woman to have it all, when in reality I didn't have anything, not even control over my own thoughts. I was controlled by my father and that wasn't easy at all. So, after a few years, I realised that in order for me to become myself I needed to separate myself from that environment but in order to do that successfully I needed encouragement. I needed to feel empowered. I was lucky to have my sister that gave me strenght. It is hard to believe sometimes that my sister and I have a relationship more than a friendly one, but her and I had been through a lot together. She had been there for me and I had been there for her to the best of my abilities. So here she was being my right hand, what I needed to be able to move forward to finding myself. It was a long journey and not easy at all. But with her help I have become the woman I am today, not to say Im perfect in any way or that my sister and I don't fight, because that would be a lie, but as far as I am concerned her and I have gone thorugh a lot together and that's what made us bond even more. Our relationship is not perfect but it is Honest, more that what most posses in their relationships with whomever.

I give thanks to my sister for her support. I challenge you to find your own "sister" to support you because as much as we don't want to admit it, we all need someone to be there for us in challenging times.

What do I want to be when I grow up? I don't even know many times. I think the best answer to that would be a better person. If I have to sit here and think about the many things that I could become it will take a long time to do so because I want to do so much; I want to change the world into a better place if I could do it on my own but in being a better person will allow me to be my best at whatever I may chose to do in life starting with being a better mother, daughter, sister, friend...

Saturday, May 22, 2010

We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.

My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!' This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally.

Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets,so ... Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't. Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I look at my children and see how they are so easy to make friends. "Hi! Do you wanna play with me?" "Sure! Let's go see who's the first one on the slide!" Amazing!All that's left behind is the giggles of happiness that they bring through their laughter in the Universe!

I see that in life we are so hard to make friends and when we do have friends it is so hard to keep the ones that we have. Ever since the internet/phones were invented people do not seem to have the time to meet with each other face to face. We are so busy talking to strangers that we forget to be friends to the ones we have in front of us. Don't get me wrong it is good to make connections, but isn't it better for the connections to be real? Isn't it better for us to spend quality time face to face instead of hiding behind the computer screen? I miss going for a coffee with a friend. I miss hanging out with a friend. I miss going to the movies wiht a friend. I seem to be left behind when I want to go soemwhere with a friend. They are all just too damn busy! And when I go home and log on to the net I see all of my friends online. Did I miss something? yes I am busy too. Being a single mother of two children is not easy, but what happened with stopping by? What happened to calling once in a while? Where does the time go? Hmm I just wonder how my mother did manage to have a home full of friends at all times? How did she manage to just keep in touch with her friends? we didn not have phones or internet to keep in touch! We just kept in touch with the friends we had, the real friends! I find it that friendships were also long lasting back in the day too! Now aday if we do not work together, go to school together or just have a communal point to meet, we may never see each other.

I am seriously thinking to stay away from technology for a while, but then again I will not see my friends for the time I'll be away! I want to see my friends I want to keep in touch with all of my frineds that I have and I want them to keep in touch with me too! I guess in a way I am lucky because I do have theh few pwoplw that I can truly say they have kept in touch wiht me for decades and it didn't even matter that we do not live in the city anymore! Thank you!

My friends, I miss you people! Let's get together and have a party! Let's meet and hang out! Let's just share our experiences, let's just be!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Why are we here? Why were we born? Did you ever ask yourself this question? I have! Today!

My friend's dad had died today and although I didn't know him well, I know that he was a good man. He took care of his ill wife for decades now and that is admirable. His daughter, my friend, has been taking care of them both ever since! No one has ever expected him to die today! Everyone expected his wife to go first.

The point I'm trying to make here is we never know when we are going to go so make the best of it! That's what I intend to do! Life is sweet but short. Take advantage of the things we are given and enjoy the small things don't sweat it. Forget about the material stuff, we can't take it with us when we go! It's what's inside that matters!

About Me

This Blog its meant to be used by me to write down my thoughts. If anyone feels offended by what I write, by all means stop reading it. My thoughts are all rights reserved and they are meant to be used by anyone that wants to use them. Makes sense? Maybe not but then again neither does life!
I love working with youth and one day I am striving to make a difference in their lives! I love Arts and I love culture! I also love to have fun and I believe in living my life to the fullest. Any objections? Yeah, I thought so...maybe you should try it one day!
I love food and people but most of all I love my children and my family that had helped me be who I am today!