Friday, 7 September 2012

Broody

Right now, Knocked Up is on ITV2, and it’s one of my
favourite films so of course I’m watching it. But it brings to the forefront
feelings that I’ve been feeling for a while now.

I want a kid. There, I opened up, and said it.

Of course I realise that I’m only 23 and having a baby now
would impact my young life massively – but there’s a part of me that doesn’t
care.

The thought of having a baby, and the girlfriend that comes
with it, appeals to me. It’s no secret that I’m a terribly lonely person as of
late, more isolated than ever, and detracted from the world. I think my brain
remedies that by dreaming of what could be.

Then there’s my nephew Tyler, and my other yet-to-be-born
nephew Jamie. They’ve added a new dimension to my life – and they’re not even
my kids! Being around babies and having a hand in their up-bringing (even in my
limited capacity) is great.

However, I realise I won’t be having any children for a
while.

I don’t have a girlfriend, and even if I met a girl tomorrow
we wouldn’t be ‘serious’ for a while – and even then, I think it’d be a good
couple of years after that (at least) before the conversation would turn to
maybe having kids.

Then even if we do decide (let’s imagine I’m , ooh, late
twenties now) there’s the trying. There’s no guaranteed means of getting
pregnant, so it could be more years STILL.

At least I’ll be grown up whenever the day comes.

Well, if the day comes.

Yeah, there, I admit it. It’s not a certainty. Might never
happen.

I think that’d kill me.

There’s a part of me that realises every day that passes it
becomes a fraction less likely I’ll ever have ‘my own’ – but let’s not dwell on
that.

I wanna look to the future, imagine the maybe, and hope that
one day the maybe becomes something more.