Saturday, March 22, 2008

I have watched the news for years, and until now I have kept my mouth shut. My silence ends now. What pushed me over the edge is my wife disagreeing with me when I called a respected Canadian news anchor 'Skeletor'. I was shocked. I just assumed that it was common knowledge, something not even worth mentioning, except in passing. I was wrong. You people need to know the truth about the people who read the news.

Sandie Rinaldo, Weekend anchor, CTV National NewsNow tell me she doesn't look like Skeletor. Fuck that, she IS skeletor. I'm surprised that she manages to suppress her maniacal cackling for the duration of her weekend newscasts.

Max Keeping, CTV Local News AnchorMax Keeping looks a LOT like Bilbo Baggins. It doesn't help that he walks around town with two mitts full of ring bling. Try watching that scene where Bilbo looks like a demon for second when he goes after Frodo's ring, and then watching the Ottawa CTV news. You will never feel safe in the Max Keeping wing of the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO) again.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Yes, it is true. I am Canadian. Growing up, one of the best parts of being Canadian was getting to watch the educational 'Canadian Heritage Moments' that the government would run on the Teevee continually. I have to admit that some of these ads did accomplish the intended goal of inspiring and informing quite nicely. However, as you might expect from relatively low budget Canadian productions, the writing and acting sometimes left something to be desired.

Some of these are great because of how quotable they are. Others are funny because of the acting and/or stereotypes being represented. All of them, in my opinion, are gold.

10. "I'm an American. You can't do this to me. "For all Americans who wonder how Canadians perceive them, this commercial should give you a fair idea. I can't tell you how many potential friendships with Americans (or anyone with an American relative) I have squandered by repeatedly doing an impression of Mr. Ugly American in this ad. To this day, this is the shtick I pull out when I need an 'American' voice.

9. "I shall reply from the mouth of my cannon."This series of ads has a tendency of making English-speaking characters look like bumbling idiots whenever they interact with French-Canadians. This is a small concession to ensure the continued unity of our country. I like this ad in particular, because it allows me to respond to questions I don't like with "I shall reply from the mouth of my cannon", followed by a loud fart. It may not be classy, but it is mine. Don't take it away from me.

8. "Through the air, across the ocean. The first time, ever"If there were a Canadian Heritage Moment Oscar, the guy playing Marconi would definitely get it, assuming of course that Marconi was an unfeeling robot. This one provided yet another easy impression for my early repertoire.

7. "Both of ya know I canah read a woruhd"I don't know what it is about this old bastard getting shamed into line, but it is great. I owe the poor Irish accent that I do to this ad.

6. Disembodied Spear-penisI always felt sorry for all the poor people that had to get impaled by spear-penis. The ghost-battle and funeral procession are bizarre to say the least.

5. "Mon mère me la dit, avant de sa mort"This one is probably funnier if you speak French or hate the Irish. The awkward French is unconvincing as the older child is way too wordy to mistakenly apply the masculine article to her mother.

4. "Kanata hey, Kanata ho, Kanata -insert gibberish that I invent when imitating this-"I love the fact that my country's name was a clerical error. It just feels right. I love the annoying guy's voice when he has the balls to contradict a Jesuit priest, "I think it means those houses down there." Incidentally, I wonder how the Jesuits, a famously scholarly order, feel about being made to look like pompous buffoons in this ad? Interesting fact, Kanata is a suburb of Ottawa, and is where the Ottawa Senators team plays the hockey.

3. "Dat's what dey say, Dat's what dey say"Canadians are often nostalgic for the simpler and more idealistic days, when Chinese men were high-tech nitro glycerine delivery systems. This commercial is actually quite sad, but after you've seen it a couple hundred times, it gets funny.

2. "Why poo, son?"Christopher Robin in the Pooh stories looks like Christian Bale next to the kid in the ad. The spot inspired a spoof by the Canadian Comedy Network where the bear farts repeatedly, providing the obvious source of the kid's inspiration. If you have ever smelled a black bear, you know that it is funny because its true. Well, the spoof was true anyway.

1. "I smell burnt toast."Up to now, the videos have been in no particular order. This one though clearly deserves status as the number 1 in this list. Regardless of race, religion, or creed, I think that we can all agree that Transylvanian epileptics are possessed by the devil, and therefore deserve to be reviled. For our sake and her husband's, we can be thankful that it was 'burnt toast' and not 'stinky balls' that was setting her off.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Daniel O'Brien, cracked blogger and editor, has been trying to breathe life into the Cracked blog by honing a Colbertesque persona. I, for one, love this development. Check out his awesome article on badass presidents.

Like Colbert, he has elected to use his power to focus on a specific cause, recruiting his O'Brien nation to help him. To date, he has had but one mission: destroy Hannah Montana.

I lent my meager talents to his cause last week. My reward was a mention in this week's blog entry, and a one way ticket to hell. If you are interested, join us in our mission to catalogue the enormity of Hannah's crimes against humanity.

Here are some that didn't make the cut:I heard that Hannah Montana once donkey punched her abortionist knowing full well that her strap-on was indifferent to any additional stimulation that her actions might provide.

The only pregnancies that Hannah Montana doesn’t prematurely terminate are those arising from her unholy unions with alpha-male dingos. Those multi-headed offspring guard the entrance to hell, not to protect us from demons as you might expect, but rather to protect the demons from Hannah Montana.

Hannah Montana was first discovered when she pulled herself out of Eva Braun’s chamber pot as a pre-term infant. These days she uses her unnatural strength to break the necks of song-birds, cuddly rabbits and small coyotes. She also waits up to an hour post-abortion to ‘bucket-stomp’ any abortionlings of hers that survive, since she values her personal freedom above all else.

Microbiologists have discovered that Hannah Montana is an enormous HIV cell, infecting everything that she touches with her positive attitude and HIV.

*Update 2Another Mabism of mine made the blog this week. This time the theme was a little different. We were asked to come up with reasons why we would make good boyfriend's or girlfriends for Hannah Montana.I continued my barrage of serial abortion accusations though; I just changed the wording a little.