What If LaVar Ball was a Milwaukee Bucks Fan?

There are only a handful of entities in the universe that come near the realm of greatness of my three sons. The Milwaukee Bucks are one of those entities. Their franchise embodies success and promises prosperity. Trust me, I, LaVar Ball, know a good thing when I see it. Not sold? Fine, here are a few reasons why the Milwaukee Bucks are simply the best:

THON MAKER’S AGE

If I hear one more loony conspiracy theory suggesting that the Bucks’ 2016 first rounder Thon Maker is older than twenty, I’m going to start throwing hands. Maker is obviously a YOUNG piece that fits perfectly into the Bucks’ future championship-contending team puzzle. In fact, not a single person has the facts straight on Maker. Not only is he not older than twenty, his public age; he’s actually significantly younger. Maker is eighteen years old, yes, eighteen years old and already handling opposing centers with the ease of a well-versed vet. Look no further than Maker’s face for proof: he’s as starry eyed and unblemished as a newborn. And it just so happens that this baby can ball. “Baby Ball,” I like the ring to that.

PLAYOFF ASPIRATIONS

Well, there’s zero doubt that the Bucks will make the playoffs this year. Even Bucks haters can admit this fact – it’s nothing new. However, in the fiercely competitive NBA world, making the playoffs and winning in the playoffs are two very different things. Critics like to talk about the Bucks’ inconsistency when discussing their supposed poor chances to rack up playoff wins. These people are W.R.O.N.G. wrong.

It’s like they’re all blind! Bafflingly, and almost humorously, the Bucks’ plan of looking inconsistent flew way over the critics’ heads. Don’t they get it: it’s a ploy, and a successful one at that. The Bucks wanted to look inconsistent during the regular season. This current “push for the playoffs” is actually them ensuring that they’ll be able to steal a spot in the postseason. Once this is achieved, they’ll send LeBron, IT, Wall, or DeRozan into cardiac arrest. In other words, they’ll fly past the first round, and probably much, much further. It’s an excellent ruse to catch one of the Eastern Conference top seeds off guard.

FLAWS

I, LaVar Ball, am an honest man. I could recognize the truth from miles away, so I especially know it when it’s right in front of me. Therefore, if I’m being 100% genuine, the “perfect” Milwaukee Bucks that I described so far are… exactly that, perfect. The Bucks just lack flaws. I understand this could be a tough pill to swallow, especially if you concentrate on their shockingly mediocre record (see above – it’s a ploy!).

Bucks naysayers may mention the Bucks’ abysmal three-point defense. But to them, I say “NO.” What’s better D than giving opponents a wide open corner three quickly into a possession? It’s a curveball meant to throw players off their shooting groove. I call it the Cream City Curve. That’s catchy, isn’t it? The numbers don’t prove this concept yet, but it’s only because chance, fate, and odds have screwed us Bucks Believers over. Eventually, we’ll get mean regression, and eventually, those open threes will stop dropping.

RESERVES

Hold on, I’m just basking in the glory of the Bucks’ depth.

Yes, it’s real and yes, it tops the league. Malcolm Brogdon, clear winner of the ROY Award (even if Embiid is healthy), is already a star. His exclusion from the All-Star Game shows the league’s bias towards small markets and LeBron and Kyrie’s encompassing influence. What do I mean? The two Cavaliers sent out memos to all voters, except non-Bucks fans, directing recipients not to vote for the President because their egos were hurt with Slam A and Slam B.

Slam A:

Slam B:

Greg “Moose” Monroe is Kareem-esque. There’s not much more to say about that.

Mirza Teletovic should be making the max. The NBA’s shift towards three-point shootouts has allowed Teletovic’s skillset to shine. Much like Buddy Hield, Teletovic has the makings to be the next Steph Curry… except six inches taller. He fits into the Bucks’ defensive scheme, the Cream City Curve, without a hitch. It’s only a matter of time before Under Armour signs Teletovic to an expensive sneaker deal and all of my sons are wearing the hip Telly3s.

I could go on and on about the Bucks’ reserves, but you’ll all see for yourselves as we handle our postseason opponents on national television.

Born and raised in New Jersey, Matthew Contaldi is currently a student at Boston College. In an against-all-odds story involving a broken ankle, Spencer Hawes, and Monta Ellis, Matt has become a passionate Milwaukee Bucks fan, community member, and now writer.

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