Thursday, July 19, 2007

Stinkerbell has been weepy of late. This big sister gig is not all coos and goos and giggles, like she thought it would be.

She turned 6 on Jan 20, and Lucky was born on Jan 25. She had our undivided attention and devotion for 6 years and 5 days and is now in full withdrawal. And her emotions are flashing red and purple and blue neon:

"Feeling left out and sorry for myself"

Yes, she's a wonderful, loving big sister. She is mature and responsible enough to care for him and entertain him when I need to shower or cook or go to the bathroom. She enjoys the approval she gets when she does these things for me and eagerly (sometimes) takes on the job.

Then there are times like yesterday and the day before and the day before that.

There are times when she cries at bedtime because she just wants me.

"me to do what?"

"just you"

"just me?"

"yes. you. would you lay down with me please? without Lucky?"

"sure baby"

There are times when I can let The Mighty Hunter entertain Lucky, allowing me to spend girl time with Stinkerbell. I am resolved to find these times and use them to their utmost. Screaming baby or no.

There are more times when she will have to simply share my time and attention - "never my love" - with Lucky. And she will have to learn to not begrudge them.

But there are times when she could have more of my time and attention and I'm not giving it to her.

And many of those times, I'm here. With you. And as much as I like you and being here, I like her more and really I should be with her. And being here prevents me from being with her as much as she deserves.

No problem in choosing, right?

Right.

Except that I need some form of outlet for my pent-up anxieties and insecurities and worries and manias and giggles and hermitness. And that is what I get here.

20 days till school starts.

20 days till I take Stinkerbell to her first grade class.

20 days that I can devote maximum time and attention on her.

20 days that I can play with her, color a princess coloring book with her, water her tomato, pepper and eggplant plants with her, take her to the pool, play with play-doh, teach her to cook, take her to the OTHER library, go to the park, organize her room, watch "kids shows" with her, chase her with the waterhose, play dress-up, paint her toenails, make chocolate chip cookies, read stories to/with her, help her improve her writing and spelling, play horsey/doggy/kitty/bunny, watch her play...

So, although this may feel like I'm breaking up with you, we're really just taking a break. 'kay?