Environmentally Aware Student Elects To Recycle Last F***

As spring semester and, in turn, the year begin to wind down, students all across the country are running out of ways to care about their academic life. Christopher Davis, a senior environmental science major at the UMass Amherst, thought it would be best to toss his last fuck in the recycling bin and just get on with his life using some other method of motivation.

“By ‘fuck,’ I really mean the last care I have left for college. A guy can only handle being preached ‘reduce, reuse, recycle, for so long. I figured I’d put my studies to good use for, like, the first time and passively throw something in the recycling bin. It happened to be my last fuck,” said Davis.

Davis claims he isn’t really concerned about where this fuck might end up because it is no longer his problem. However, he suggested that it may be better off in the hands of a student interested in actually using it.

“At this point, all I have left to do is make it three weeks to graduation without getting arrested for publicly pissing, flunking my pass-fail, or giving a professor a dead-leg for fun. I just really don’t care about school anymore. There’s probably some over-the-top freshman out there who still cares even though it’s April,” he claimed . “He can have it. Why should I care?”

Although university officials are not exactly happy to learn about the increasing lack of care seniors have for their studies, they are thrilled with the initiative Christopher is taking, pleading for more students to follow suit.

“If more students were like Chris, the school population wouldn’t be wasting nearly as many fucks. There would be fucks to go around for everyone in need of one,” said waste management official Bill Burda. “When I pulled his out of the recycling bin, I wasn’t sure what to do with it. Then, it hit me.”

Burda said he plans to refurbish the “still half-useable fuck” and donate it to a student he overheard questioning the point of going to college to study English literature. He hopes Christopher’s recyclable will motivate this particular student to hit the books and “really start giving a shit” with less than a month to go in the semester and encourages lazy seniors to place their last fucks into the bins marked around campus.