I can’t tell you how often someone has called me up and invited me to play because “we need you, we’re short on girls.” I can’t tell you how often people have assumed I’m only at a game because they thought I was dating a close male friend on my team. I’d love to feel valued as a player, but—Oh what’s that? I have a uterus? Great, let me hop on the field so you can adhere to league policy and let you give gender diversity lip service without you worrying about really being inclusive to women.

The story of FetLife’s lack of respect of consent, privacy, and personal autonomy is an important one for all kinky people to know. But it also represents a fascinating case study for anyone interested in privacy, transparency, and rape culture on the Internet.

2. 4 Reasons Why, Actually, You Cannot Touch My Hair

Dominique’s post from last June was inspired by the performance art exhibit pictured above (SPOILER ALERT: the women protesting next to them has sliiightly less welcoming signs). In it she responds to all the people who want to touch black women’s hair.

Like, why? Why do you want to touch my hair? I implore you to deeply ponder this every single time you are about to ask to touch a black woman’s hair. Do you think it’s mystical? Exotic? Are you trying to test and see if it will leave scratches on your fingers? If you think it’s beautiful by all means, please say that, but you don’t have to touch it while the words come out of your lips.

1. Modeling Consent

“Psst…Eric!… Try words!”

When she wrote it in September, she was a lowly guest poster, but Rebecca has since become one of DDP’s editors! (I’m just kidding about guest posters being “lowly”–they are awesome and you should become one.) In this post Rebecca shares a happy, sexy story featuring dancing, nudity, makeouts, and good use of consent:

But our dance connection was growing into the sexual realm. I felt it happening. The dance was over, but neither of us walked away– those chills were running all over my body, begging to grow wings. Our faces were close together, breath in sync and heavy– it was that perfect moment, the one they capture in all the movies. I knew it was coming. That classic, dreamy, first kiss. And then something truly miraculous happened.

Content Note : This series discuses rape and rape culture in kink communities. This is the third post in a series on abuse in BDSM communities. While topically linked, each post does stand on its own. Perhaps especially this one. Please refer to our glossary for definitions of a number of key BDSM terms.

This post is all about FetLife.com, aka Facebook for kinky people, and how and why it stands against efforts to address safety and abuse in BDSM communities. The story of FetLife’s lack of respect of consent, privacy, and personal autonomy is an important one for all kinky people to know. But it also represents a fascinating case study for anyone interested in privacy, transparency, and rape culture on the Internet. However, while there are many articles talking about various parts of this problem, these discussions have been scattered and often assume a lot of prior knowledge. Moreover, the common threads of FetLife’s various problematic policies haven’t always been explicit. So in this post I’ve tried to weave these disperate threads together into one (obsessively hyperlinked) article. I will also level some new accusations at FetLife that, as far as I know, have not been voiced before.