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01/31/2013 at 04:15 PM ET

Dave Spencer/Splash News Online

Who: Mariah Carey

Where: Enjoying the unseasonably warm weather in N.Y.C. Wednesday

Diagnosis: All symptoms indicate that Carey has taken Throwback Thursday too literally and believes it’s 1997. Her outfit suffers from time warp hallucinations, unnecessarily bare midriff and mermaid-skirt-itis. This is a particularly serious case, believed to be more toxic than Glitter.

Prescription: Keep the awesome leather jacket and diva shades, then incinerate everything else and start from scratch. A relaxed, flattering pink A-line dress will allow her to still show a little skin in an elegant way. We’ll prescribe a healthy dose of on-trend single-sole heels to combat the diva’s longterm platform pump addiction, but unfortunately, it may be too late to save her.