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Frumpy Middle-Aged Mom: When I am named ruler of the Earth …

August 10, 2011

Marla Jo Fisher

I am planning to run for Supreme Ruler of Earth, as soon as I get a spare minute.

In case you don’t know, the Supreme Ruler gets to do whatever she wants and make the rules for everyone else. Everyone kisses your backside and laughs at your jokes. Sort of like running a movie studio or being a CEO.

I’m already starting to compile my list of people who would be exiled permanently from Earth after I take over. We could use one of those retired space shuttles to ship them off to a galaxy far, far away. Or maybe just send them to France. There are a lot of these types there already, and they would probably feel right at home.

Here’s my list. Feel free to tell me who I’ve omitted.

(Or is it whom? Oh yeah, I need to add, “People who correct your grammar.”)

• People who glare at you when your kid misbehaves in a store and roll their eyes like they could do a better job.

• Skinny people who bring big cartons of doughnuts into the office so the rest of us can ingest more sugar and fat.

• People who see that box of doughnuts, walk over, cut one in half, take it and walk away.

• Americans who drive European cars, decorate their houses in Tuscan style, drink cappuccino with biscotti, guzzle French wine and then complain about how pretentious their neighbors are.

• People who don’t own a TV. These are not individuals with whom you can discuss last night’s American Idol or Survivor elimination, so why keep them around?

• People who drive black BMWs. Seriously. Have you ever known anyone who owned a black BMW who wasn’t a jerk? I did a scientific survey and 92.3 percent of all the people who ever cut me off on the freeway were driving this vehicle.

• People who give their kids wads of spending money for no apparent reason except that it will make my son feel aggrieved because he actually has to earn his.

• Children who promise they’ll clean up the kitchen really well this time if only you’ll let them bake brownies by themselves again.

• People who never walk their dogs so the dogs bark excessively from boredom. Like the one I’m listening to right now.

• People who know you’re on a diet but bring freshly baked aromatic chocolate chip cookies over to your house as a gift. Afterward, they stop by the local AA meeting to drop off boxed wine and a case of Everclear.

• People invited to speak at a gathering who talk longer than 90 seconds. Keynote speakers can have five minutes. Then sit down, shut up and pass the mustard. Thank you.

• Hairdressers who run their hands through your tresses, look pained and ask, “When was the last time you had this cut?”

• People who can hardly wait a whole 30 seconds after you meet them to let you know their kids are in the gifted classes.

• People who act sweet to your face and then can’t wait to stab you in the back while you naively walk around saying how nice they are.

• Mothers who tell you in detail how you’re raising your kids all wrong.

• Kids who insist on ordering the most expensive thing on the restaurant’s menu, then say they’re not hungry when it arrives, then ask for the $9 chocolate cake for dessert.

• Co-workers who go out with you socially and then sit around talking incessantly about work, even after you pointedly change the subject. (Sorry, I only complain about work when I’m on the clock.)

• People who constantly forward you stupid jokes that you don’t have time to read, but you’re too polite to tell them to cut it out.

• The people who run fast food restaurants that make loathsome unhealthy food that my children eat behind my back.

• Rich people who sneer at poor folks as if somehow lack of money means you’re stupider or lazier than they are, when maybe you’re just not so greedy.

• People who fly those planes with advertising banners that buzz your head at the beach and drown out the sound of the waves.

• The TSA airport guy in Atlanta who wouldn’t let us through the “First Class Only” security entrance, even though it was totally deserted, we were going to miss our plane, and the line was an hour long at the regular gate. Thanks, dude. You left a mom with two little kids stranded in the airport for six hours. But, hey, you did your job for America.