Never pay on a first date, don’t hook up with anyone in Gstaad or the Financial District, and make enough money to shower yourself in expensive gifts. This is just some of the priceless dating advice that I learn from my brief but highly informative chat with TheReal Housewives of New York’s Sonja Morgan.

Sonja, modern-day Renaissance woman that she is, has a lot on her plate right now. In addition to her role on Real Housewives, she is an event planner, a film producer, a restauranteur, a devoted mother, and—in her own words— “a luxury lifestyle brand.” Adding one more bullet point to her resume, she’s about to start a one month run in the off-Broadway playSex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man at the 777 Theater in Manhattan.

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At a press preview for the show, Miss Morgan—who looks STUNNING and is so, so funny in person—was nice enough to do a Facebook Live (sorry to fool you, we actually shot it yesterday) with Jezebel to share her wisdom on sex and dating. While I figured that Sonja (with a sexy J) would teach me a few things, I did not realize that she would take me to school.

On going dutch on a first date: “The word [dutch] isn’t even in my vocabulary,” Sonja scoffs. Her money, she says, is reserved for taking out her friends and people she already knows she likes. If a guy expects her to pay, “I’ll stay home and watch Netflix,” Sonja says, rightfully reasoning, “I have a vibrator.”

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On sticking around for breakfast after a one night stand: “Out before the lights come up,” Sonja advises. Then again: “I have guys who’ll come after 11 and leave by 7,” she says before transitioning seamlessly into a dig at her former fuck buddy Tom D’Agostino (who’s now engaged to her friend and cast mate Luann de Lesseps). “But then they go marry your friend...WHY would you marry that type, but anyhow!”

Speaking of Luann...

On dating a friend’s ex: “Never. I never date a friend’s ex, I don’t date men that were married to friends. There’s no point.”

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On playing hard to get: “I’m hard to get with some people,” Sonja tells us, adding that she really only flirts with people she’s not that interested in. “The people I’m flirting with? You can be sure that I don’t want you. I’m just trying to make you comfortable, make you feel good, make you feel sexy.”

On locking down a partner who’ll buy you nice things: “Anyone buys you something, they want something back. I really don’t like to do something that I don’t want to do, so I don’t go that way, which is exactly why you’ll see on [RHONY], I’m not looking for a husband, I’m very independent—that’s why I date the younger guys. I’m in control, I’m in the driver’s seat...I need to stand on my own to feet which is why now I’m ready to date people my own age.”

In other words, if you want something, buy it for yourself.

On locking down someone who’s reluctant to commit: “I don’t date people who are reluctant to commit...to date me, they have to chase me for awhile. My ex husband was asking me out FOR-EV-ER...They have to woo you, then you go out with them and it goes from there.

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On Netflix and Chill: “I love these guys who are like, ‘Wanna come over and watch Netflix?’ I’m like, ‘There’s nothing wrong with MY Netflix.’ ...I’ll get off on my own.

On when you’re ready to settle down: “When you’re ready to settle down is when you’re really busy—you know what they always say? When you get your first apartment and your first dog, that’s when someone asks you to marry them. Because you’re not available and not desperate.”

Jezebel caveat: We cannot back up or explicitly endorse any of this advice, but we love Sonja for giving it. For more pearls of wisdom from Sexy Sonja, please watch the entire video, or—at the very least—skip to minute 10:38 for the best reaction (and Housewives dirt) I’ve ever encountered in my whole dang life.

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Sonja Morgan will appear in Sex Tips from October 1 through October 22. You can purchase tickets here.