Boris wins Kim Sears from Murray

by philapilus

Boris pledges to bring down Dave Cameron if it costs him his life.

The world of tennis (which is a bit like the normal world, only smaller, not actually a planet, and concerned exclusively with the somewhat pointless game of tennis), was in turmoil today, after Kim Sears left tennis superstar Andy Murray for not-even-a-tennis-player, London Mayor Boris Johnson.

Sears and Boris announced their new relationship via Twitter, with a message packed full of four-letter words, and forthright sexual swears – appropriate given that they found each other through a mutual love of profanity.

Boris, who caused an upset with the fairly uncontroversial statement that “Jihadists are fucking wankers, those terrorist cunts” last week, fell for Sears after she launched into a sweary tirade during one of Andy’s matches.

The mayor said “It…it…it was, you know, sort of…love at first, love at first sight. Well, it was fifteen love. Or thirty. Or possibly deuce. But then I saw her, standing up and shouting ‘fuck!’ and ‘shitter!’, and ‘you dour vagina-face!’, and I, well, it…it brought out, oh you know…feelings…like when a chap first reads Pliny, under a spreading chestnut tree at School.

“I had to have her.”

Sears said of her break-up with Murray “I have always loved Andy, and part of me always will. His entire face is like a visual manifestation of the word ‘FUCK’ shouted by a drunk tramp in the middle of a creche outing.

“But Boris is so powerful, so brave – seriously, did you see him on that photoshoot with an AK47 trying to look intense and manly? So different from when stupid ISIS wankers pose with AK47s trying to look intense and manly.”