Saturday, September 15, 2012

On maneuvers

Found in a pile of weird books:

The D-blog will never read it, of course. No, being the D-blog, he's just going to assume that "Dr." "Heimlich" has a whomping case of "when all you have is a hammer" syndrome, and will attempt to apply his awkward yet strangely erotic "maneuver" to every conceivable medical situation. Let's check out the ToC.

"Look at the Bleeding." Endowing a child with a healthy attitude about bleeding and other emergencies.

Dad: See how your blood sprays almost to the ceiling, Billy? That's how powerful the heart is. Now, let's see how high it'll go when I perform that new maneuver on you . . .

Billy: GAck!

Okay, "Poisonings. What to have available in advance . . ." Not very good phraseology, huh? And how does Henry work the maneuver in for poisonings?

Husband: Oh, my God, Mary! What's wrong with her, Doctor?

Doctor: I smell bitter almonds, the invariable sign of cyanide poisoning! Here, hold her upright so that I may perform the Heimlich Maneuver! It will expel the poison through her eyeholes!"