January

The ex-wife of ex-Beatle Sir Paul tells a confused Leveson inquiry about her key role in the security breach. Lord Justice Leveson calls a recess, complaining of a migraine.

February

Greece ordered to take night job to pay debts

A new European deal requires the entire nation to look for part-time bar work in addition to regular employment. Despite the strict guidelines set out by EU leaders, only a minority of Greeks declare tips as income.

Arab Spring "coming earlier every year", say scientists

This year's uprisings to start, on average, 14 days sooner, thanks to mild weather brought on by climate change.

March

Wikipedia scrambled by hackers overnight

A cabal of computer hackers manage to encrypt Wikipedia in its entirety. Users all over the world wake to find millions of online encyclopedia articles replaced by meaningless gibberish, although it is some hours before the first complaint is received. Nothing is known about the identity of the hackers or their motives. An urgent appeal from Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales goes largely unread.

Little Mix split

X Factor winners Little Mix. Photograph: Ken Mckay/Rex Features

The X Factor-winning girl group disbands just months after forming, citing non-creative differences.

April

Launch of 17-speed Europe

A new version of the eurozone, in which each nation adopts its own version of the single currency, is hailed as a model of European cooperation and financial stability. Things get off to a challenging start when Portugal is purchased by a consortium of Middle Eastern investors.

May

Nick Clegg vanishes

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg. Photograph: Olivia Harris/Reuters

There are fears for the safety of deputy prime minister Nick Clegg after his mountain bike is found abandoned in the Peak District on the second anniversary of the 2010 general election. Clegg is understood to have grown despondent at the prospect of three more years of coalition government, and had been looking, friends say, for a way out. Local police refuse to confirm or deny that a four-mile long trail of fag butts was found leading from the bicycle to the offices of a minicab firm.

Little Mix reunion mooted

Girl group may reform for reality series if deal with Living TV goes ahead.

June

Charlie Sheen wins Republican nomination

Charlie Sheen. Photograph: Christopher Polk/Getty Images

The former Two and a Half Men star emerges as frontrunner from an eclectic field of candidates that has at one time included everyone from Herman Cain to Newt Gingrich. In spite of his incoherent speeches and debate performances, Tea Party enthusiasts consistently rate Sheen as "more trustworthy" than Mitt Romney

July

The ceremony takes place a week earlier for fear that the scheduling conflict with this year's riots may put too much pressure on London's transport network.

Rupert Murdoch agrees to exile in Angola

Amid increasing shareholder concerns over the outcome of the phone-hacking scandal and the conclusions of the Leveson report, Murdoch tenders his immediate resignation from NewsCorp in exchange for free passage to Angola with his family.

August

Jedward conjoined by Russian doctors

Irish pop curiosities Jedward. Photograph: Rex Features

In the first operation of its kind, Irish pop curiosities John and Edward Grimes have been voluntarily conjoined by surgeons, according to a spokesman for a Moscow hospital. The announcement is widely regarded as a publicity stunt designed to keep the duo in the public eye, but rumours suggest that the identical twins underwent the 14-hour procedure as a prelude to relaunching as a solo act.

September

Mystery man may be former deputy PM

A dishevelled man found wandering the streets of Brussels, disorientated and speaking only Dutch, is believed to be Nick Clegg, who disappeared in May. It is hoped he may recover his senses in time for an upcoming byelection.

October

Fifa tests nuclear device

Football's governing body extends its influence with a successful nuclear test. The explosion takes place underground, in a secret location near Fifa's Zurich headquarters, despite repeated objections from the Swiss government. President Sepp Blatter insists that Fifa's nuclear capability will only be used for peaceful purposes, in order to further promote football worldwide. Critics say the organisation is looking to strengthen its position in the ongoing dispute over goal-line technology.

November

Obama wins election, promises four more years of stasis

The president declares his final lame-duck term will be among the most uneventful in history.

Little Mix/One Direction supergroup to aim for Christmas No 1 Spot

Pick 'N' Mix will be the first band whose members can be chosen by individual customers. Selecting five singers from a pot of nine will incur an initial download price of £2.99.

December

End of the world hashtag causes global panic

The trending #endisnigh hashtag inspires Twitter users worldwide to stockpile staples, pray to the sun and indulge in all manner of millenarian excess. Retailers applaud the initiative, and hope to make it an annual fixture.