You're Not Wrong

Unfortunately, neither is anyone else. This is not as pleasant as it sounds.

Whenever we hear ideologues arguing, we tend to believe one of two things: We either assume one party is mostly correct, or we assume both parties are mostly confused. For most of my life, I have felt comfortable suspecting that everyone was wrong about everything, pretty much all the time. However, I am starting to wonder if this is no longer the case. I am starting to suspect that absolutely everybody is 100 percent right about everything, which leads me to believe the world is going to end in less than twenty-five years.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

As I type this column, I am sitting in a semifurnished basement in the rural Midwest, watching Fox News on a sixteen-inch TV. What I am seeing is crazy, but more interesting than I would like to admit. The premise of this broadcast (and every Fox broadcast, from what I can deduce) is that we all need to acknowledge that there are many Islamic ne'er-do-wells who will not be happy unless all Americans are dead. According to the (weirdly confident) Sean Hannity, this single-minded jihad includes the likelihood of my own death, and I need to accept this (and so do all those overpaid jerks in Hollywood who just don't get it!). It does not matter what I do or how I live; there will always be a handful of myopic Middle Eastern death machines who won't be satisfied until my blood is flowing in the waters of the Mississippi, an American river they undoubtedly hate. This, of course, runs counter to everything I hear whenever I'm in Manhattan, which is that a) such hatred is solely the fault of George W. Bush, and b) U. S. foreign policy is making this situation worse. As such, it feels like there are two sides to this issue. It feels like our society is having a debate over what is true and what is false.

But this is not the case.

As it turns out, everybody's right. Right now, some highly motivated dude in Tehran (or possibly Dearborn, Michigan) wants to blow you up, and there is absolutely nothing that will change his mind. You could give this theoretical person a newborn puppy, and he would quite possibly say, "Thank you for this wonderful furry creature! You are a fine person!" He would then jam a stick of dynamite down the puppy's throat and tie it to your car. I do not doubt this. He would do this because you are an American, and he believes that America is waging a war against his religion. And he believes this because that (more or less) is exactly what seems to be happening. At this very moment, one of the peripheral discussions on my television is whether or not the president should be allowed to refer to terror suspects as "Islamic fascists," a phrase he has already used on multiple occasions. Not surprisingly, the fellows on Fox seem to think it is essential that George Bush use that term as often as possible. Personally, I have a hard time seeing the benefit of insulting impoverished zealots as a means of ending terrorism. This kind of behavior--along with arbitrarily invading foreign countries that do not have weapons of mass destruction--can be confusing to the thirteen-year-old potential terrorist. Do you remember when a bunch of teenagers listened to an Ozzy Osbourne song before trying to kill themselves? Ozzy's response was basically "Hey, man, that song wasn't even about suicide." And that (of course) was true. But the song was titled "Suicide Solution," and drunk teenagers are (of course) crazy and illogical. So this situation is kind of like that one, except with more car bombs and fewer guitar solos.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Will there always be a handful of Islamic fundamentalists who want to destroy us? Totally. Is the Bush administration making that situation worse? Totally. Is our occupation of Iraq and the limiting of civil liberties lowering the short-term likelihood of domestic terrorism? Probably. Will those same things increase the long-term likelihood of domestic terrorism? Probably. Everybody's right. All of these media pundits keep pretending that they're having an argument, but all they're doing is espousing different fragments of the same truth: We're fucked. It's over. Our society is out of ideas. It's like we're in the final two minutes of an NBA game, but--for some insane, desperate reason--both teams are committing intentional fouls on every possession (and Ben Wallace is somehow playing for both teams). No one is ahead, but we're all behind.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Environmentalists insist that we must find and develop alternative energy sources because we are rapidly running out of fossil fuels. Yes! Their critics say this is a ludicrous dream because abandoning petroleum will cripple the economy and have a negative impact on our quality of life. Yes! We are going to run out of oil, simply because we cannot live without it. Everybody's right. The United States must unilaterally support Israel, even though Israel's actions often defy support. This is true. Popular culture is alienating and depressing most Americans, and it's probably hurting the world at large--but any attempt to stifie its existence or influence is detrimental to the human experience. This is also true. Everybody's right.1 Smoking will kill you, but you're going to die anyway.

We need to accept this.2 We need to stop arguing about a future that does not exist, especially since there is nothing to argue about. We need to be reasonable. We need to sit in our semifurnished basements and watch Fox News (and/or Fox Sports Net, and sometimes Dog Whisperer). The Rapture is coming, and they won't be playing "House of Jealous Lovers." They will be covering Black Sabbath's "Electric Funeral" and turning chicks into pillars of salt, and we shall all share the same apocalyptic hurtbag.

According to Michael Drosnin's book The Bible Code, Syria should be starting a nuclear war any moment now. Pat Robertson's The New Millennium suggests that April 29, 2007, will be the end of the world, although this might be an innovative fundraising technique. Drug-eating dead man Terence McKenna thought December 21, 2012, would mark the conclusion of human existence, which matches the doomsday date indicated by the Mayan calendar in the ninth century. Does this worry you? Probably not. You probably think the people making those predictions are (or were) lunatics and that it wouldn't even matter if they were correct, because there's nothing you could do about it, anyway. And that's a good attitude. Believe everything, or believe nothing. Either way, you're going to be right. Everybody's right. You can't win, but you also can't lose.

Chuck Klosterman is the author of many fine books, including Chuck Klosterman IV which is available at your local bookstore or online, at BarnesAndNoble.com.

A Part of Hearst Digital Media
Esquire participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites.