~ Real Life Isn't Pretty

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Sometimes we learn more from silence than we do from listening and talking. Silence allows time for self reflection, listening to God, reflecting on parts of our past so we don’t make the same mistakes over and over again. Silence can be calming if you allow yourself the opportunity to be quiet and just be. Be alone. Be one with the Lord. Claim your mistakes, understand where you went wrong, ask for forgiveness and move forward. Don’t be afraid of the silence. Just know that in quiet times, God has not left you. He still sits on the throne, He is still with you, within you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. I am thankful every day that Jesus died on the cross to take away my punishment for my sins for I am far from perfect. I will never be enough or good enough without Him.

Yesterday at work, I was proudly reflecting on the fact that even though we had quite a few bumps and hurdles and times when I didn’t think they would make it through the week but they did it! My two addicts had managed their way through one full week of recovery! They even survived an entire week with no internet or cell phones! I had decided to sit down and write about the first week, but then my son called me over and had a conversation with me last night that changed what I would write about today. This is how our conversation went:

My son asked “Mom, have I told you that I love you today?” I said “no.” He said “well, I love you!” And I said “I love you too!” Then he asked, “Mom, have I told you that you are beautiful today?” And I said “no.” He said “well, you are beautiful!” Then he asked, “Mom, have I told you that I think you have pretty hair lately?” Then I started laughing and said “okay, get to the point, what are you wanting?” He said “nothing, but have I told you that your hair is pretty, because it is!” And then he continued on. He said “And guess what else Mom? Just guess!” I said “I have no idea son, go ahead and tell me.” He said “I’ve been clean for 9 days today! Aren’t you proud of me? I mean we have been clean for 9 days! Aren’t you proud of us?” I said “yes, I’m extremely proud of you and I’m even more proud of you that you are counting the days this time instead of me!” Then we had a big hug and went back to our normal nightly routine.

That was such an eye opening conversation for me last night!!! If you’ve read my earlier posts, you know that I’ve been the one counting the days of his sobriety or the days that he has been “clean”, not him. This is HUGE in my eyes. Because before, he has not recognized that he had a problem so he wouldn’t count the days he had been clean. This time, he is counting!!!! I am beside myself with pride!!!!! Yes, he has made it longer than 9 days before, but he has never COUNTED those days before!! He’s never cared how long he was clean before. He just always looked forward to his next high and when it would come along and how he would get to it.

I can see small changes in him every day that make me proud. There are many more that I want to see, but I keep reminding my self that this takes baby steps and I try not to push him. Today is day 10. Today could lead to day 11 or today could be the the last day he’s clean……I never know. But I like to keep the glass half full kind of attitude!

My name is Julie. I’m 46 years old and I’m the mother of a recovering meth addict. ❤

Today I get a message from my son and the conversation goes as follows. Sorry for the misspelling but I’m doing a copy paste here:

Son: Mom anything girlfriend has ever done or said or told to come out to your house was all because of me. She did it because I did it first or because I told her to do it. Girlfriend is not the one at fault here, I am. Me an me only. She only stood by My side and went along with me/it because that’s what’s someone who is in love does.. They stand beside there partner no matter what happens no matter the circumstances. Every time we/I messed up all she could say or think about is how she was going to come back an look u and Husband in the eye after she did what she told and/or promised you she wouldn’t do. She’s the one who when I can’t talk to anyone else cause I feel like no one will understand, sits there and listens to me and reminded me how far we have come and how much we have together. She is the entire reason I am what I am right now. I’m not the same person that I have always been… It might sound like the same old shit, but mom I promis you that I truly want this and I truly want and am going to stop doing dope… It’s just not right to throw her to the curb because of what I did. I know that I fucked up, and I know that it kills you more and more every time I do, but mom I’ve never ment it when I have said I’m sorry, or that I’m not going to do it again, or that I want to change… I am more serious right now than I have ever been in my life… I’m going to stop doing dope. I’m going to get my shit together. And I am sorry for all the bull shit and pain that I’ve caused you and everyone else in my life. Mom just please let her come back home with us… I want her and this relationship for the rest of my life. And if you forse her out now, as much as I don’t want to, I’m going right with her no matter the consequences… I do not want it to be that way and I really really really hope it dosnt turn out that way, but I’m dead ass serious.. I’ll go right behind her…. Mom just please give me the one chance that I’ve needed all my life, not another chance, that chance that is going to make a difference……

Mom: What about her kids son?

Son: We can have them come over on the weekends, every weekend. That way we won’t b able to go out an get into any trouble. And it will get us ready for when we do get our own place and have them there all the time.

Mom: Are you willing to go by all the rules that i put in my letter to you? And can you both pass a drug test right now?

Son: No we can’t pass one right now
, I td u that the other day. And we’re willing to follow rules rules that are reasonable. The taking our phones and wifi access is unreasonable… And plus u can get into both of our fb’s anyway… I think we deserve a little more trust than that. But yes I’m willing to go by the rules that u have set and do what has to b done.

Mom: How long has it been since you’ve use and what have you done?
Both of you? And no I don’t have access to either of y’all’s fb accounts. Honest. But fb keeps you connected to those who are pulling you back into the wrong crowd. That is why I say you need to give up your internet access.

Son: Girlfriend just said that she thinks that you should take the phone cause she said that way we arnt tempted to try and do something or get something brought to us, so… And as for the drugs we’ve smoked some weed here and there, but yesterday I had someone come and do some shit with me cause I was all fucked up and pissed off about all this shit going on right now. I just figured fuck it! Cause we didn’t know where we were going to live how we were going to get money, I thought we’d probley have to sell dope or something…. IDK point is I fucked up and that’s why we don’t need to be out here or able to have contact with anyone out here.

Mom: Are you willing to go by all of my rules then? Both of you?

Son: Is Girlfriend wanted at ur house or welcome, other than by me???

Mom: Yes if you are both willing to go by the rules I set forth.

Son: Then we will do it. Nana will bring us there tomorrow evening.

Mom: Then you need to make sure you get all the sleep you can between now and Monday so the drugs are out of your system. Also we are going to do one other thing. I’m going to call the house and you are going to be honest with nana about your use and activities while at her house. You are going to come clean to her. And be honest with her that I haven’t been telling lies on you to her just to make you look bad ok? Your gonna so this with me and her both on the phone.

We had a phone call with my mom where he came clean with her about his use and activities. Son and girlfriend are going to church with Nana in the morning and rehab at moms starts tomorrow evening.

My name is Julie. I’m 46 years old. I’m the mother of a meth addict that I love with all of my heart and I’ll never give up on him no matter what. I love him with all my heart plus 1 more! ❤️

I hope you take the time to watch this video, because it’s just too damn cute! 😊 I will be posting more videos like this ::

I fell in love with this creative short film because, it touched my heart in such a beautiful way. It made me realize that true love is not about what music you sing to, but who your singing it for and when you sing from your heart the other persons heart can feel it too. True love is about opening your heart and making a conscious effort to get to know someone deeply so that you can sing to the beats of their heart. There are so many things in this world that money can buy but, it can never buy a moment. Like, the moment a person truly listens to your heart, those moments are priceless…

As I stated in my last post, I was the one counting the days of sobriety for my son as he did not feel the need for such ridiculous things as keeping track of how long he had been clean. After all, he is the one who doesn’t believe he has a problem. Well, I was hoping to write a great post on day 30 about how proud I was of him for making it to the first 30 days without messing up. But that didn’t happen.

First let me back up a little. Previously I was quite vague about who the man was that gave my son a place to live and a job and now I want to tell you a little more about this man and who he is and what he has been through in his life. I met this man about 5 years ago through some mutual friends. During the first few hours of meeting this man, I told him the story of how my son was dealing with drugs and about how my marriage had ended. He shared with me what was a very tragic story for his family. His only sister was killed by her own husband over drugs. But despite all of that, this man still offered to give my son a place to live and he put his name on the line for my son so that he could get a job. Knowing the effects that drugs can have on a person, this man did it anyway. Not for any fame or fortune, not for any pat on the back, but because he has a heart the size of Texas. He loves larger than any person I’ve ever met before and that is the main reason I married him. So yes, my son has been living in my home since July. But it has been different this time. This time he has been living under my husbands rules, not mine. And he has been abiding by those rules and all had been going quite well for almost 4 weeks.

I got up one morning and started to make my coffee. Something struck me as odd and I went into my sons bedroom to look for something. When I went in there I found what I will call “paraphernalia” in his room. I contacted my husband at work immediately and he confronted my son on the job. My son broke down and admitted to my husband that he had made a purchase from someone at work and had used the night before. My son seemed very regretful for his actions and seemed to want to get away from “that life” so after my husband and son talked about it, my husband called me back and told me that it had been handled and that I shouldn’t say anything else to him about it.

Well, that got this mama’s feather’s a little ruffled to say the least! I mean, come on now! My son does something like that in my house and I don’t even get to yell at him for it?!?!? Really???? AND I thought the original plan was that if he messes up just once, he is out? What happened to than plan, honey? Well, turns out that honey has a soft spot and decided that he deserved a second chance so that is what he gave him.

So the second chance was given on a Thursday. That meant he went to work on Friday. He fished with my husband on Friday night. They worked on Saturday and then he was free to do as he pleased for the rest of the weekend. Oh boy….here is where the story gets interesting! Hold on!! So on Saturday night, he makes a plan to go hang out with his new girlfriend and a buddy who has recently been released from jail. We told him we didn’t think it was a good idea to hang out with the buddy but since we are just there for guidance and not being his “warden” then he is free to make his own decisions, so he chose to go hang out with the buddy. Bad decision. Bad, bad decision.

Sunday night came around and he didn’t come home. I tried to reach him by phone and he wouldn’t answer. I knew he was using and he just wouldn’t answer because he didn’t want to acknowledge it to me. On Monday morning, when I got to work, I sent him a text and just simply told him that I loved him and that I will always love him and that I’m sorry that my love would never be enough to fix what he feels is wrong in his life and that I wished I could take the hurt and pain and confusion away from him. Shortly after sending the text, he contacted me back and asked if I would come talk to him. After a few texts messages back and forth, I finally agreed to meet him and talk to him. That meeting with him was one I will never forget.

I drove up to the motel where he was staying. He and his girlfriend walked outside and down to my car where I waited. He had such a serious look on his face. And for my son, that is difficult. He’s the one who is always laughing, cutting up and making every situation laughable. But this time, he didn’t have any “fun” in his face. It was all business. As he walked over to my car, he said, “I love you mom! I really do!” and tears started falling from his eyes. I said “I know you do son and I love you too. Talk to me about what is going on.” That’s when he dropped the bomb! He said, “She’s pregnant. I’m going to be a dad.” They even had a positive pregnancy test that they had done to show me. Talk about a slap in the face! I thought he was just going to tell me he was sorry for messing up again and that he really wanted to do better. I never expected him to tell me he was going to have a kid. I was enraged! I can’t even begin to explain the anger that overcame my mind and body at that moment! I jumped out of my car and began to beat my son with my fists! I beat on his chest and arms. He turned around and put his head down and I continued beating on his back as I just screamed and cried. I continued to beat on him until I had no energy left in my body. Then I just went and stood beside my car and cried into my hands. My son walked over to me and put his arms around me and told me that he loved me. I told him this isn’t how things work! You don’t go out and do drugs when you think you might be pregnant! I wasn’t mad that she was pregnant! I was mad that they did drugs knowing that she could possibly be pregnant! They took the chance of endangering the life of my grandchild and I was furious with them!!! I calmed down enough to call my husband and explain to him what was going on. My son got on the phone with him and asked if he could get his job back. My husband explained he would have to speak to the boss about it and would let him know. At that time, my son kissed me good bye and walked back into the motel and I drove away crying. I called my husband back crying asking how I was supposed to leaving my child and grandchild there like that, homeless, helpless and alone. He told me to go back and wait until he heard from the boss about the job so I did. In about 10 minutes he had received the call that my son was given another chance and would be allowed back at work the next day. So I texted my son and told him and his girlfriend to come get in my car. This time I took both of them home. Now I’m housing two recovering addicts and looking at the possibility of raising my grandchild.

Well, being the skeptical mother that I’ve become with him, before we left the parking lot of the motel, I texted my 17 year old daughter and told her to go to the store and buy a pregnancy test when she got off work (poor thing gets stuck with all kinds of tasks like this – she had a guy from work go buy it for us). I wasn’t going to take the word of two “desperado’s” looking for a place to stay for the night or looking for someone to mooch off of on this one. I might be blonde, but I get mine from a box! There was going to be another test done and it was going to be done at my house with me present. So once my daughter got home it was time to send the girlfriend into the bathroom to take the test. By this time it had been several hours since the initial shock and we were actually starting to get excited about the idea of another grandchild. My husband has 7, but I don’t have any biological grandchildren yet. Plenty of time had passed and the girlfriend had not come out of the bathroom yet so I went to check on her. I knocked on the door and asked if she was okay. She opened the door and was crying. The test was negative. She said “I don’t understand, the one this morning was positive.” My son was both relieved and heartbroken at the same time. I told them that we would do another test in the morning since they are more accurate then and we would go by that one and we all went to bed. My husband and son got up at 4:30 am and went to work and us ladies got up at 6 and did a pregnancy test. Another negative response. I was so relieved, but at the same time I wondered what this was going to do to my son’s desire for sobriety. How was this going to effect him? We all sat down that night and had a long talk and they both said they wanted to get clean and stay clean and they wanted to do it together. So we set the ground rules and there we were back at the end of Day 1, again.

Only two weeks would pass by before the duo would decide they were ready to go out on a double date with a couple from the past. My son asked me if it was okay to which I replied “No, because he is a dealer and she uses and you have come too far and have way too much to risk being around people like that right now. You do what you think is best, but just remember if you lose your job this time you are both gone, no exceptions. I don’t want you to mess up. You are doing too well to give it all up son. I love you!” My sons response was simple. He replied “Thx. I got this mom.” And he never came back home.

Well, I’ve been told by many people and have read many times to count sobriety 1 day at a time. Baby steps, they say. Being that my son is the addict who does think he’s an addict, I’m the one counting the days for him. So this morning ended the first 24 hours of sobriety for him. He says he can quit any time he wants to, but that he enjoys the feeling he gets when he does meth. From what I’ve read and been told, it can be quite euphoric so I can see how an addict would have a hard time saying that it’s a problem. It puts the brain in such a state that it sees only the “fun and happy feeling” and doesn’t live in reality. It will take time for his brain to heal and for him to return to the rational thinker that I know he is.

He told me that he took the job and new living situation because he believed that’s what he “needed to do. It’s the right thing” he said. So in the first 24 hours on his journey, he went to work. The first two hours on the job and he was having DT’s. He was having trouble breathing, he couldn’t stand up, he was feeling sick. His boss told him to go sit in the truck with the AC on for a while. Lunch time came around and they got a good lunch. After lunch, he was feeling fine and worked the rest of the day. When the work day was over, they went home, had dinner and he was ready to relax. He had an uneventful evening which I think is good.

Day 2 is underway….almost 1/2 way through it! He is going fishing with my husband tonight. He’s loved fishing since he was little. Can’t give him any “free time” to spend with friends right now until he lets go of the grip and desire for more meth. So in the meantime, we will try to keep him occupied otherwise when he isn’t working.

Son, I believe in you. You are strong, both physically and mentally, and I know you will overcome this. You may think you have been “sentenced” to a horrible wrath right now, but I know you will come out shining in the end. Day 1 is done, day 2 is well on it’s way to being conquered!! You’ve got this!!! Love you!!

My name is Julie and I’m 46 years old. I have 2 children by birth and 4 stepchildren from my current marriage. I divorced my first husband after 16 years of marriage due to his alcoholism, drug addiction and physical abuse. Today, I admit, dreadfully, that I am the mother of a 24 year old meth addict. My son was first introduced to the drug when he was 14 years old…..by his own dad…..my ex-husband. My son has battled meth, pills, alcohol and other substances since then. I’ve decided to write today because I have recently found out that there are many, many others, people I know, have know for years, people who live right under my nose, that I am related to, that I interact with online or otherwise, that are also dealing with this same addiction, either their own fight or a child or other family member. I’ve realized recently how important it can be to be there for others, to just listen or to share your story so they know they aren’t alone. Addiction is a serious disease and should be treated as such. You don’t turn your back on your child if you find out they have terminal cancer, so why would you turn your back on them because they are an addict? I just want to express some of my thoughts, fears, dreams and how my daily life is affected due to this disease.

I can’t begin to explain to you what it is like to wonder where your child is, what they are doing, if they are dead or alive. I don’t know how to explain the stabbing pain in the heart that you feel when you have to tell them that you can’t let them live with you anymore because of their choices. I don’t know how to explain to you what it feels like to have absolutely no control over their destiny. I don’t know how to explain to you what it feels like to lie in bed at night wondering if they are going to still be alive tomorrow. I don’t know how to explain to you what it feels like to have such an overwhelming feeling that you will probably have to attend your own childs funeral. I don’t know how to explain to you what it is like to wonder why he ever tried drugs. I don’t know how to explain to you what it is like to wonder what he feels when he does drugs that makes him want to do it again. I don’t know how to explain to you the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness I have some days. I don’t know how to explain to you the desire to just run my car off into a ditch or hit a tractor trailer head on in hopes that if I were to die, he may realize he needs to change. I don’t know how to explain to you the thoughts that go through my head constantly. I don’t know how to explain to you what my life is like. On the outside, everything looks normal. But on the inside, I die a little more each day. I struggle to get out of bed every morning because I fight depression tooth and nail every single day of my life. I fight my demons all the way to work, listening to How Great Thou Art, The Lighthouse, Jesus Take The Wheel and other songs to try to keep me from swerving into that tractor trailer. I spend my drive time praying and talking to God asking him to help me deal with this. Asking him to change my son. Asking him to forgive me for the thoughts I have. Asking him to take me out of the depression. Asking him for guidance and for his will to be done in all of our lives.

I’ve recently had the opportunity to speak with other mothers who have dealt with their kids being addicted to drugs, going to jail, making bad life choices, giving up on God. And one thing that I’ve learned is this…..tough love is what everyone tells you that the kid needs. The kid needs to hit rock bottom before they are going to admit they need to change. I know these things already and I pray for him to hit rock bottom every day. But the part that everyone who is the parent of a RECOVERING addict has shared with me is that even though you do the tough love thing and you pray they hit rock bottom, the biggest part is that the kid has to know that his family hasn’t given up on him and that they are there for him no matter how good or how bad times are. You can’t walk away from that child. You can’t turn your back on that child. No matter what they say to you, do to you, do to ones you love, if you turn your back on them, you are no better off than they are. As Jesus was hanging on the cross, he said “forgive them Father for they know not what they do.” The person I see in my son right now is not my son. He is completely controlled by his substance abuse and by satan. The real child is in there, deep, stranded, struggling, fighting, crying for help, wanting a good life, but not knowing how to get back. He’s in there struggling with something that is stronger than any of us – – satan.
These statements were part of an email that I sent to a family member trying my best to help them understand how much deeper this is than what they see. I cried the entire time I was writing it. My gut and my throat burned as I made the admissions about the thoughts I’ve had. I’ve told my daughter before that I would give up my life without ever thinking twice if it would save my son! A year ago, I just thought that I understood the real, true, hardcore meaning of tough love and unconditional love. I did not. And I am pretty sure that most people don’t, general speaking. I’m sure it’s nothing like what I think, but I feel like I have a better understanding of what it meant for Christ to die on the cross to save us.

Shortly after sending this email yesterday, I was blessed with an overwhelming love from someone who has been hurt, betrayed, and generally disrespected by my son. While I was still trying to compose myself through the tears, I received a phone call. The call was asking how to get in touch with my son because someone wanted to offer him a place to work and live. I just started crying. I told the person how to get in touch with him. My son accepted the job and new living situation. The new employer will give him 30 days to sober up and assess him at that time. I’m praying that this new opportunity will give him the will, desire and drive to put the bad behind him and move forward with the life he deserves. This person who offered this opportunity to my son has been criticized by others for his mistakes he has made in his life, for choices he made in his younger years that he now regrets, he has been talked about and put down by others. But today, I realize without a doubt in my mind, that God…..only God….not by chance, not by karma, not by any other means, but by God, this man was put in my life for reasons that neither of us ever understood and probably won’t until we die. I have done many things wrong in my life, but evidently I have also done a few things right!

And today starts the first day in the rest of my son’s life. He is working physical labor in the hot sun. He hasn’t worked in over a year so not only is he out of shape, he is going through detox very quickly as the heat and work are dehydrating him. His will and desire for the drug is going to be tested more now than ever. I’m praying along with many others that today he will not give up. That today, he will struggle through until tomorrow. And that tomorrow, he will once again get up and go to work. I’m praying that he takes it one day at a time and looks at each day as a victory.

I’ve got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I’m stepping out into the great unknown
I’m feeling wings though I’ve never flown
I’ve got a mind of my own
I’m flesh and blood to the bone
I’m not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

I’ve got a right to be wrong
I’ve been held down too long
I’ve got to break free
So I can finally breathe
I’ve got a right to be wrong
Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

You’re entitled to your opinion
But it’s really my decision
I can’t turn back I’m on a mission
If you care don’t you dare blur my vision
Let me be all that I can be
Don’t smother me with negativity
Whatever’s out there waiting for me
I’m going to faced it willingly

I’ve got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I’m stepping out into the great unknown
I’m feeling wings though I’ve never flown
I’ve got a mind of my own
Flesh and blood to the bone
See, I’m not made of stone
I’ve got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

I’ve got a right to be wrong
I’ve been held down to long
I’ve got to break free
So I can finally breathe
I’ve got a right to be wrong
Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
I’ve got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone