A Thirty-Something: Jesus Follower. Fire Wife. Mama to Ella.
I'm head-over-heels, crazy-in-love with my husband, our daughter, and our life. It's not always perfect (and I'm not afraid to let that show), but I love it just as it is.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

We're Awake, God

Thank you for the prayers and kind words sent to me via my blog comments, email and text message. It is so nice to know that I have cheerleaders out there rooting for me and cheering me on, when I feel like I'm totally losing at the game of life.

I had a really crappy day on Tuesday and was feeling super sensitive. (Those of you who have been with me on this journey of life for the past five years know that before Mr. Lukie came around, I was insensitive and pretty much incapable of feeling much of anything. I had become numb and feelings and emotions were foreign to me) Mr. Lukie worked a 12-hour overtime shift on Tuesday, which meant he would be home around 8:30pm. I was so excited to see him, but was still throwing myself a pity party and was emotionally distant from him when he got home. One miscommunication led to another and the entire evening was ruined. I felt unloved and uncared for, while he was feeling disrespected and left in a state of shock at the words that came from my mouth, as well as my actions.

It was an ugly, ugly night. Tuesday night revealed things about myself that made me realize what a selfish, ugly person I can be. I saw glimpses of the old me, very clearly, and it scared me. But I couldn't stop myself. I kept on and on with the hateful words. Saying things that I knew would hurt him, intentionally. I pushed the limits to see how far I could go before he told me he wanted me out and never wanted to see me again. While I did not succeed in that (thank God), I did succeed in breaking my husbands heart by the end of the night. I've never seen him so hurt and so sad--all because of the words that I said and the way that I behaved.

While I knew deep down, in my heart of hearts, that Mr. Lukie and I would make it through this very dark time in our relationship, a part of me wondered what it was going to take for me to recognize that I have got to get control of my words and my actions when I reach my breaking point. I cannot break my husbands heart again--seeing the look of sorrow on his face once I crossed the line? That is not something I will ever erase from my mind.

Through prayer and counsel with one another, we have worked through the issues that stemmed from that evening. The hurts are not completely beyond us, but all has been reconciled and forgiven. We have also come to realize that our spiritual growth as a couple is at a standstill. We have not found a home church (probably because we haven't been trying all that hard to find one), thus, we have not been attending services at our old church. We have not been praying together or for one another. Neither of us has spent any quiet time for devotionals. We have been trying to live, day-to-day, without God being at the center of our relationship. So it is no wonder that we had such a terrible, awful blow up in the midst of it.

We're awake, God. We have heard your call and recognize in what areas our relationship is lacking and where our focus needs to be. Last night, we read Chapter 1 in "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. Already, our eyes have been opened to the idea that marriage was not designed to make us happy. It isn't about us. And for the past month, that's what we have made our lives about--us.

Here is to a new start (yet again--our God is so full of mercy & grace, isn't he?!) 2010 is a new year and a new beginning. And we're awake.

9 comments:

I really do think marriage is like what I've told you via email.... that a woman (and man) must have their spiritual paths on their own... to express what gifts God gave to them individually, to go through those dark moments alone in order to learn and grow (and more specifically, lean on God rather than whatever your ego might tell you)...... and that marriage really is about the physical aspect of that journey - having that spiritual partner to bounce ideas off of, to create a family, to express love deeply.Who knows though, I may be wrong ;)

We've all been here, girl. Traveling down the road of a meek, quiet wife has not been easy for this girl, but through God's grace I've been able to get farther down it then I would have ever imagined. I can't do it on my own, I know that, but praise God for his Holy Spirit, and the conviction we receive to know when we've crossed the line. It hurts, but it's so worth the outcome! And keep Christ as the the center is the key.

I am glad that you and your hubby are doing better, I know everyone goes through their hard times - hang in there sweetie. Definitely keeping your focus on God and letting Him be the cornerstone of your relationship is key, glad you will be able to find a new church and start fresh.