Material found in festival portaloo classified as ‘weapon’s grade’

United Nations inspectors visiting this year’s Reading Festival have discovered material in a festival portaloo that they have classified as ‘weapon’s grade’.

Scientists say it is too early to say exactly what they are dealing with, although the material is definitely man-made. While not thought to be radioactive, the toilet was said to be emitting an eerie green glow.

Jon Swartez, the scientist leading the team of inspectors, says, “If this stuff fell into the wrong hands we could be looking at a real mess.”

Festival organisers initially raised the alarm when an ‘ungodly smell’ began to drift across the festival site. Toilet attendants claimed they were ill-equipped to deal with the substance, after the head of one of their wire brushes completely dissolved.

“Instead of neutralising what went into the toilet, it appears the toilet chemicals reacted to form a low level form of toxic gas,” explains festival co-ordinator Emily Wattis. “It was only when the UN team arrived with bio-hazard suits that they were able to get in there and tackle it.”

Attention is now shifting to the person responsible for producing the material, amid concerns for their own personal safety and the safety of others

“What we need to know is if this was produced intentionally or is an unexpected by-product,” says Swartez. “The person we are looking for is probably in a bad way. At the very least we can expect them to be suffering from severe muscle fatigue and possibly third-degree burns.”

The public have been warned not to approach the individual involved and to be wary of anyone crying or moaning in toilet cubicles.

“We aren’t talking about someone sitting on a few grams of fissionable material,“ says Swartez, “there could be literally tonnes of this stuff ready to be funnelled out to smugglers.”

It is now a waiting game; with the UN team on standby, ready to deliver emergency roughage to the person responsible.