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Miss Connections, Round One

Some of you SFSF fans may be aware (lookin’ at you, Mom) of the fact that I recently started writing for the Weekly Dig, an edgy newsweekly that is like a smarter, funnier version of The Onion. At least, that’s what I tell myself to justify the unpaid internship. Write anything you want, they said. Don’t hold back, they said. So I started writing a weekly column about Missed Connections, the Craigslist time-killer/my favorite rom-com. We’ll put it online, they said. Well, they haven’t yet, so I’m posting that shit here. This is my first column, now about six weeks old, which is actually really timely for us writerly types. You know.

Hola, delicious n00bs (that’s Internet-speak for, “Hello, get your knicker-hankies ready, because you’re about to wet yourself”), and welcome to the Miss Connections column. I’ll be compiling a selection of the funniest, cutest, most ridiculous, and/or douchiest Missed Connections, and ruminating on what they signify within contemporary society. Or gushing over an adorable post from a hopeless romantic. Or mercilessly castrating the author with sarcasm. Really, it depends on what I find, and how much coffee I had that morning.

A perfect example of a Missed Connections (MC) that could be profiled is something like:

Courger sighting – m4w – 32 (CVS )

I saw you in CVS…We were in the card section…You were looking for what seemed to be a bithday card…You caught me looking over at several times….You smiled…

Okay, pretty standard MC so far. There’s an initial flirtation between strangers, and some identifying information. The author then goes on to talk about how beautiful this woman is, blahblahblah, before really laying on the charm:

…just as soon as I almost got the courage to say something to you…Your 14 year old daughter came aound the corner with hairspray and a can of redbull…well played cougar…well played…Get the younger guys attention to get him to notice you…only to get blocked by your offspring….. Well if you want to meet up sometime…I live alone…Im mature…and I like mexican and chinese foods…Maybr we will hit it off and make some pancakes together one morning…

“Hurry up, my daughter’s almost picked out an energy drink.”

I can only assume this MC is for an older French woman, due to the translation of cougar in the title (note: that’s not French at all). I also assume the author, who clearly states that he is “mature” and “32,” is actually neither of those things, since he can’t spell correctly, and thinks that mentioning he likes “mexican and chinese foods” will appeal to a worldly foreign woman, who clearly has mind-control powers over her daughter and can summon her “offspring” to her side at any moment.

Some MCs are more philosophical/heinous, which you can usually identify because they’re labeled as mw4mw, which in these cases means “me4humanity.” Such as the following:

Just a thought: – mw4mw

I want to share a small antidote that hate me last night.

—Let me stop you right there and ask: a-gwah? What the fuck does that mean? I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you want to share an anecdote that happened to you last night. Maybe some context will help…

A couple and I were taking a walk on the beach as always there is some words written on the a beach or ground.
On the cement it read: Every one has one true love in life.!
One of the persons asks ,What if you don’t find that person’?. I thought an I may have said , ‘ Well that would be sad’
The ans came to me. The only reason one would not find that true love is cause they had not had their eyes on the sparrow.
Meaning; They were consume with a person they are not meant to be with. All their focus is on that relationship, how bad things are and wishing and wishing things would change. If we are lost in a relationship that is not meant, we are bound to miss the one that is right” for us. (Have you ever been lost in a train station?)

If you’re going to make up a new idiom, it’s only polite to give the definition. But giving an almost-coherent definition and then following it up with a completely irrelevant analogy is just cruel. Am I looking for a sparrow riding a train, or have I been so engrossed in my shitty relationship with this train station that I missed my flight?

Yet there is another theory, they very well could be that true love, only they could be taking that person for granted. Naturally you would feel unhappy in a relationship when one person is not happy.
A women I know came home to her husband dead. The two did have a blissful relationship. It was true love without a doubt.
They did not take each other for granted, they cherish what they had and now unfortunate all she has is those memories.
That just might have been her one true love!
I think I need to see a therapist.

You and me both, pal, because you just told me that even if I find true love, my significant other is just going to die and leave me solely with the memory of a life worth living. Thanks, asshole.

But the best MCs, in my opinion, are the ones that are from everyday people who genuinely just want to connect with another human, that prove there’s some oozing cocoon-sac of kindness left in this city, and maybe, just maybe, include some topical reference to a recent local catastrophe. Like:

You were blonde and buzzed (i think) – m4w – 28 (Back Bay)

You came from a watering hole, made your way up huntington to exeter….i was working to get electricity back to the area. You threw me in a bear hug and yelled “thank you for the electricity” and went on your merry way…I was too perplexed to reply with something clever. But you were pretty cute and give a good hug. Hit me up if you see this

This MC is almost as cute as a real bear hug. Almost.

She appreciates a working man, he appreciates an attack-hug, and I appreciate that they took the time to recognize the goodness in each other. So here’s to you, tipsy blonde and disaster-zone electrician! Now, get your connection on, goddammit.

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One thought on “Miss Connections, Round One”

Love it, love it, LOVE IT!! The Dig editors are total tools if they don’t print this. You are absolutely fantastic in your element, my dear. No, not because I am your mom, but because I love the written word and this piece is excellent!!!!