Social Media's Word Hijacking

I grew up in the '70s. Things were so different back then. Bad hair wasn't a day, it was a way of life. The only thing hotter than a mood ring was a pet rock. We wore polyester everything and danced to disco music blaring from our 8-track tapes while grooving in earth shoes on an orange shag rug.

Words were different back then too. Fortunately, social media has permanently hijacked some of those words and given them a completely different meaning.

Remember when...

Alert: How you tried to act in front of the cop who pulled you over when you were in high school and clearly had way too much to drink

Always-On: That annoying friend who thought being funny was a 24-hour commitment

Apps: Things you ate at a party when the limited choices included a cheese ball covered in nasty nuts, devilled eggs, ham pinwheels, cocktail weenies, and cream cheese filled celery

Bookmarking: Used to note a page and required using a laminated construction paper strip with a glued-on school photo, pieces of cut doily, a tassel and shreds of felt

Browser: The bitch that constantly roamed your store but never bought anything

Chat: What a nice mother would say she needed to have with you after the principal handed her a stack of absentee notes you had forged

Chrome: A material used in everything from Trans Ams to lava lamps to fondue pots to mopeds

Circles: One of many shapes you doodled when you dreamed of class ending so you could hitchhike home to watch Sanford and Sons on your black and white TV with the tinfoil on the antenna

Comment: A verbal reply that could range in tone from June Cleaver to wise ass

Compete: What you did when playing Space Invaders with a friend at an arcade

Connections: What that kid who had been shaving since eighth grade had when he hooked you up with someone who could get you a fake ID.

Conversation: A verbal exchange between two people whose proximity was so close you could smell each other's breath

Craigslist: Something a 7-year-old boy holding his breath would give to Santa knowing full well that he would have "naughty" next to his name

Delicious: Because you didn't know any better, a word often used to describe the nasty "Apps" listed above

Dig(g): A term hippies used to confirm their stoned friend understood what they had said: "Ya dig?"

Engagement: A promise to marry that used to only be allowed between a man and a woman until we gays came along and ruined the sanctity of it

Feed: What a farmer did to his cows, chickens, sheep and goats to ensure they didn't die

FlashMob: Involved a group of people, trench coats, nudity and arrests

Flickr: Something you used to do with a boogie

Follow Friday: A day of the week called Saturday which at the time usually included a different kind of hash tag (see below)

Foursquare: A playground game that involved a square court and four players -- cell phone, check-ins and badges were not required

Friends: Kids who came over to your house when your parents were out and helped you drink your dad's Schlitz beer

Groundswell: What happened over the septic tank after your sister flushed too many sanitary napkins that were the size and consistency of an airline pillow down the toilet

Hangout: What you did in your friend's fake wood paneled basement when his parents weren't home

Hashtag: A tap on your friend's shoulder before you passed him/her the bong

Host: Someone who wore an apron and owned the house where those nasty "Apps" were being served

Instagram: The sudden appearance of your nana after you lit up a joint when you didn't know she was in the next room playing Lite Brite

Like: A word used to describe a middle school crush and was usually followed by "going out," which had nothing to do with leaving the building

Links: Made of chains and could only be found in a fence that surrounded an above-ground pool, hibatchi grill, tether ball pole and whirly bird

Lurker: The weird neighbor whose pants' pockets always had holes in them

Mashup: Involved a bunch of boiled potatoes and a kitchen utensil that looked like it would be better used to brand cattle

MySpace: Part of a three word retort you would scream at your mother after she told you to clean up your filthy room. As in: "It's my space!"

Pandora: That trouble-making Greek biyatch who used a box to store all things evil

Photosharing: The act of passing around funny Polaroids that may have included your friend Jimbo with a perm wearing bell bottom pants, a pukka shell necklace, a peace bandanna, and a paisley shirt with a smiley sticker on it

Post: What the Center -- who was probably wearing white canvas high tops -- on your basketball team did in an attempt to get the ball passed to him/her

Profile: When used almost always had the words "serial killer" before it

Real-Time Search: What you did frantically upon realizing your friends were moments away from picking you up for the dance and you couldn't find the nylon jogging suit you planned to wear

Sharing: What first graders did with their bologna sandwiches at lunch and it never involved pushing a button

SlideShare: What you happily did on the playground in August when the bully wearing jean cut-off shorts pushed you aside to go down that sizzling hot metal thing

StumbleUpon: Usually what you did to the cop after he pulled you over when you were in high school and clearly had way too much to drink

Tag: A sale in your front yard where you could earn $1.05 from selling your Wacky Packs and your mother's old wigs

Threads: What you were wearing when you passed the bong to your friend

Timeline: The thing you drew in thick black marker on construction paper for your "About Me" school project that highlighted significant life events like getting your head gear and the bicentennial

Tool: A completely unaware poser who thinks the world is impressed with his sexual prowess but who usually elicits the response "loser" behind his back

Trend: The hippest styles people were into like feathered hair, mutton chop sideburns and socks with toes

Trolls: Those way-too-creepy, tiny, naked dolls with the wild-ass hair who look like they licked an electrical outlet

Tumblr: The round cork things -- you always forgot to use no matter how many times your mom told you -- that were used to keep that expensive veneer, dark wood coffee table from getting ruined

Tweet: What the birds did way too early in the morning the night after the cop pulled you over when you were in high school and clearly had way too much to drink

TweetUp: Something two horny birds did after way too much booze

Viral: Something you didn't want to get and sure in the eff didn't want to spread

Widget: Something a manufacturer made when you had no effing idea what they actually made

Yelp: What a dog did when you accidentally hit him with your banana bike