Tuesday, October 23, 2012

mumford and sons is like a butter face (but-her, get it? bwahahaa like kirsten dunst) but for your ears. just like kirsten dunst has a pretty fit body, and can wear a dress without you wondering if she's man, but once you look up, AH! it's kirsten dunst teeth! and face! and ew.

are you with me?

so anyway, mumford and sons is whatever is the vocal form of a butter face. they start off super rad and then slip in some banjo and you're all like, "YEEEAH!!!!"

but then the guy starts singing and suddenly...ew. things take a turn. there are still banjos and a good beat, but there's this guy who sounds terrible. You briefly consider changing the channel or cd, but then the chorus starts and the other guys in the band sing along to help cover up the main guy's terrible voice and they up the banjo and drums. now you can't change the channel because it's time to jam! and then it's over.

do you see what i mean?

another thought:

who in the HELL decided babies need their own special cake to smash on their first birthday? because they deserve a swift hook to the face. i bet it was the same dick who invented cake balls. who is it out there that keeps wanting to waste perfectly good cake?! in what world is it logical to make a whole cake for a infant so he/she can smush it and spread it around and make a big ass mess? what mother thinks, "i know, usually cakes are for eating, but they could ALSO be for me to clean off the table and floor..."

Thursday, May 31, 2012

these last couple of weeks i've run into a problem. luckily, today i solved it.

kevin is in michigan doing his internship and i've suddenly become a single mother to bear and hooper (no big deal) and cheryl (omggg please kill me. or this dog).

having cheryl in the house is like having a really stupid energetic toddler to watch out for. not just any toddler, but a clingy, and let me emphasize again, DUMB toddler.

cheryl can barely be taught. she can learn, but it takes her a really long time with lots of yelling. (i'm not kidding, i'm a good dog owner, dammit. i've had dogs my whole life. i read genius ABA-usin' cesar milan's book. i rescued bear. we saved cheryl from backyard abandonment. but she cannot learn without shouting. she needs the knowledge scared into her.) her story is one for another day.

keeping retarded cheryl alive requires a lot of work, but i'm down for that. i know how to handle it. what i cannot handle is retarded cheryl and love of my life bear up and deciding they don't like their food anymore. that pushes the pot over. now i have to buy gravy? i have to add an extra step onto feeding them? i barely want to scoop two different servings. it would be much more convenient for me if they two of them could share one large bowl. now i'm expected to buy or make gravy, put the food in the bowls, stir it all up and THEN give it to them? what am i, a scientist? or rachel ray?

still, bear is my darling magic awesome dog, and if he isn't eating i felt i should at least make an effort to make his meal more appetizing. if bear got his food doctored, i wasn't going to leave retard cheryl out; that would just be mean.

however, when that giant, tail-less, toothless fucker refused my specially made beef bouillon food/soup, i drew the line. how dare you, buddy. where did you find the balls to turn down my delicious beef broth food? crunchy food soaked in BEEF JUICE so your poor little teeth nubs wouldn't hurt when you ate, i MADE that for you. i personally took your dish into the kitchen with food and dumped broth on top. then i gave it a little stir so everything was even. that's work, dude. work i didn't want to add to my already busy day. and you TURNED it DOWN?! you must be crazy.

game on, dick.

after that i went with my original plan. when cheryl and bear originally refused to eat the nutritionally balanced, previously loved dry food for no good reason, the behavior analyst in me said that doing anything would reinforce their behavior and would encourage discerning taste in the future. look, they're dogs. eat the food i give you or go live in the woods. however SOMEONE (kevin) felt bad and told me i couldn't just "not feed them." (um, why not? hello, if they were in the wild would momma doggie go find some rabbit gravy to slather all over her pup's food? hell, no. eat it or get out.) at first i had to try other options. other options stop at trying to make beef soup seem appealing.

so i cut out their breakfast.

you wouldn't believe how excited bear and cheryl were to eat that tasty, tasty dry food. ohmigosh guys, suddenly it was amazing. isn't that funny. turns out i can starve them and it will work because i'm awesome and they're dumbass dogs.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

all i can say is, fuck mice. fuck any tiny entity that can turn me into a shrieking stereotype on top of the couch. a brazen little rodent just made it's way across my living room floor. talk about super balls. where does he get off just walking across my floor?

it gets worse. that little fucker didn't just come into my home and EYESIGHT (seriously dude, we live in the country. feel free to hide in my walls where i will never notice you. the moment you come into sight, it's on) he entered from my COUCH underneath my FEET.

that little bug eyed, furry, disease-ridden mammal had the audacity to pick a fight with my giant cat underneath my very legs, tangled up in my lovely, soft blankets. IS HE KIDDING?! the most sickening part is that they were apparently fighting for minutes until he decided that, i don't know, he was warm underneath all of those layers, and decided to peace out and head for my kitchen.

my thoughts were, "wtf are both hooper and cheryl so interested in?....oh. it's a GD mouse!!!!!!"

this is where it gets embarrassing. there are things your dick brain does to you that you can't explain. it's the excuse all mothers everywhere use when they want to win an argument ("you wouldn't understand... you're not a mother."). so when i saw this mouse walking across my floor having previously been underneath my legs, at first i was like, "aw. a cute mouse. MOUSE!" then my brain went into overdrive. the mouse ran under a shoe and my fatass cat nonchalantly walked over debating whether to kill it. i ran around in circles screaming obscenities and debating whether to cry, smash it with a shoe (oh gross, please no) or something else drastic. kevin was out of town and it was late.

i ultimately decided to jump onto the opposite part of the couch, call kevin and threaten to never feed hooper again if she didn't just "destroy that fucking mouse NOW, bitch". i seriously debated finding a cheap ass motel to stay in because i could no longer trust anything in my home. then i remembered that any motel i could afford would probably have its own mice and lots of other gross stuff too. (32 flavors, anyone? of semen?)

hooper took for-e-verrr to kill this mouse. the little dick ran under the arch of kevin's shoe so she couldn't immediately rip him up. at one point she even walked away! i screamed at her, "if you don't kill that thing NOW i will never feed you again! do you hear me!? you will be forced to kill other mice for food because you were unwilling to eliminate this one!" she looked at me for a hard second and then got back to work. if there's one thing hooper understands, it's food.

she killed it, but left it under the shoe. for me, that wasn't good enough. i was majorly freaking out. i was still on the phone with kevin and i had been yelling the whole time. i yelled at kevin for being in detroit. i yelled at cheryl for being interested in the mouse which could potentially make it run away, which would fuck everything up because then fatty kitty wouldn't be able to catch it. i yelled at kevin some more, and then i yelled in general about my lack of knowledge and bravery needed to continue from my point atop the couch. i yelled at hooper to "keep killing it!" even though it was more than likely already dead.

what if this mouse was just really patient? he had already dodged my cat and dog for 5 minutes in my freshly laundered blankets, then meandered across my floor at a slow pace before jogging to the nearest shoe to avoid death. i wasn't about to believe this guy was dead until i saw it. i kept yelling at hooper and she endured me with the kindness a mother would give her poor, scared, stupid child, a two year old that was irrationally begging her to check the closet for monsters. she kept trying to walk away and i would yell at her to come back. she finally flipped over the shoe, pushed it out and ripped off a piece of its back.

excellent. there was no doubt now. that cocksucker had drawn its last breath right where he let his ego take control. let its ghost mouse be cursed to roam the earth, warning all of its mouse buddies so they know never to show up in my household.

the mouse being dead did little to aid the situation. i still had to dispose of it. kevin wasn't going to be home for 2 weeks. my excellent neighbor, jeremy, was my only hope. i had to check the time, 9:50, he may still be awake. i quickly hung up the phone with kevin and texted jerm that there was a mouse problem and he had to solve it asap. because he is an awesome neighbor, he agreed to come over and dispose of the gross mouseness in my living room.

he got rid of it but then proceeded to tell me that the mouse was FAT and probably had babies somewhere, maybe under my couch. "go shake it out and see if any other mice run out."

uh, no thanks. you need to come back and do that, sir. once again, because he is an awesome neighbor, he came back in and shook out my couch to make sure there were no more mice. so far, so good. as i write this, it's been about an hour and i haven't seen another mouse.

so it's been a couple of days and there was another one this morning!! i almost stepped on it. i think the universe is playing a cruel joke on me, getting me so close to accidentally touching gross mice.

i woke up this morning with the distinct feeling i should put on my slippers. these things are fuzzy and big and meant for winter, not the beginning of summer, but whatever. i was walking to take cheryl out when i saw a dark spot on the hardwood. I thought, "hmm. i don't remember that dark spot being there. maybe i should turn the light on and make sure it's not another asshole mouse."

guess what.

it was another stupid mouse. apparently i am no good at dishing out curses. i only married an italian; apparently the magic didn't transfer over... again i say, fuck mice. it was too early to call Jerm, so i was going to have to deal with this stupid dead rodent myself. here was the problem though, it wasn't bleeding. it didn't appear cut. it was just frozen. maybe it had JUST frozen in fear because it had just seen hooper.

i stood there for a second and wondered what to do. i wasn't frozen in fear because hooper's track record is 2:0 and i've never actually seen a mouse alive in my house for more than a minute. my good buddy, the best cat ever, hooper was right there and she didn't seem to bothered, so everything was probably ok. still, a rigid dead mouse is icky, and i wasn't about to pick it up. i tiptoed past it to continue taking cheryl out while i figured out what to do.

then this happened:

this was in the breezeway (which is where the dogs go out so there's grass and dog hair everywhere. welcome to my gross life). absolute confirmation that this mouse was probably really dead for suresies. i like to think hooper tortured this little fucker for DARING to enter our house. guess what, dude? we don't practice kindness is this household, buddy. there isn't one of those stupid "in this house we..." things on our walls. if there was, it would read, "in this house we rip up ballsy little rodents who dare to show their face". germans aren't any good at curses, but we understand revenge.

i ended up double raking the mouse out of my house. I used one small, metal rake to flip the little bastard onto a bigger, plastic rake. The exit out of the house was eventful. Because the rake was so wide, it kept hitting things, making the mouse body jump around. I kept fearing that I was going to jolt it awake, that it was a fighter and it was just waiting for the moment to strike. Every time it jumped and flipped on the rake I screamed at it to, "stay dead! stop moving!"

once i got outside, i got a little more cocky. i threw insults at this stupid dead mouse as i flung him into the bushes and missed. then again as i raked him back into the bushes.

stay out of my house, rodents.

i'm going to come back from detroit on tuesday and there'll be mouse carcasses everywhere...

Friday, April 20, 2012

one of my many faults is that i'm not opposed to lying. not major lies, just innocent little white ones. in high school i scored the highest in my class on some machiavellian personality test because i marked "strongly agree" to phrases like, "a little fib is ok if it works out in the end" and "what a person does not know, will not harm them".

so when i found myself in a situation where i accidentally admitted to being a mother, i was kind of nervous, but not really surprised.

one day i was with a couple of women who were talking about their children. it became VERY apparent that one of them clearly valued motherhood above anything else. being just the three of us, i did not have much to say. i stood there, quietly, secretly hoping the inevitable question would not come up. i did not want to admit to this woman that i had no children, had no intention of having children and secretly hoped my uterus was as dried up as an open paper bag of sawdust in the middle of the desert in the middle of the summer. i didn't want to look like the heartless jackass.

the question did come up, however.

i ended up telling her that i had a 2 year old daughter named Remy (which was short for Rumor which she was not to know...). she immediately approved. i was in; i was part of the club. i understood things that the real me couldn't possibly fathom. our conversation ended shortly after, and i haven't spoken to her since. so no harm done right?

when i told that story later, i said remy drowned at the public pool. i figured i had to get back to my original state somehow so having her drown seemed like the best option. kevin was supposed to be watching her swim but he was too busy studying for his 1L finals. major bummer. one time someone overheard me and they didn't realize that remy was imaginary... that was pretty funny.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

there are several things in my life i like to declare as facts and that's that. since i don't have suckfest facebook anymore and twitter is for retards, i decided to lump them all in this one post.

fact #1:
it's always sunny in philadelphia is the funniest, bestest show out there. it's also a super accurate representation of the people of philadelphia. everyone in philly is a sociopathic dick like mac, dennis, dee and charlie.