Thursday, December 2, 2010

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

And so we come to the end, the final double episode where all loose ends are tied up and all targeted demographics that were overlooked get their time in the sun. For the alien viewers, we're treated to Na'vi/Muppet hybrid Jonathan skulking in the foliage of the TUF House backyard. For the gays, we're treated to Banh Mi spanking it in the shower and a half dozen dudes watching and giggling like girls. For the subscribers of "Facial Hair Weekly", we're treated to Dr. Watson going from a full beard to a goatee to a clean-shaven mug in the span of six narrated sentences. But first!

Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh, who - aside from Banh Mi - all got their asses kicked and are now just killing time and stealing anything not nailed down, are having a group therapy session, venting about what they feel was substandard training. You see, coach Georges St. Christ I Can't Understand Him brought in an assortment of guest coaches, like convicted rapist Mike Tyson, Crazy Drunk French Muay Thai Guy, some wrestler, a jazz pianist and a rabbi who specializes in cooking kosher food. Meanwhile, they were stuck with the staff from American Kickboxing Academy, and what the hell does a kickboxing school know about mixed martial arts?

To accentuate the team's dissatisfaction, Marky-Marc begins doing impressions of Josh Kosh B'Gosh. This includes him spraying Chris Leben with a hose, getting knocked out by Paulo Thiago, and winning 13 out of 17 UFC fights. In true comedic fashion, Josh Kosh B'Gosh walks in at the end of the routine, but one can only assume he approves, as he steps behind the bar and starts pouring everyone shots.

Meanwhile, nestled among the branches of a large tree out back, Jonathan talks of being humble, and never losing sight of who he is and who he wants to be. Also, these damn humans are annoying with their cars and pollution and microwave ovens.

Back in the TUF House and everyone is conspiring. You see, they suspect Banh Mi has been beating his meat in the shower, and as roughly forty percent of the show's advertising sales comes from gay-targeted products, something "fabulous" must be done.

"I say we throw a party with streamers and a karaoke machine that plays only show tunes," says Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34.

"No, no, no," says Bruce Leroy. "We should all dress up as our favorite female performers and have a dance-off. I'll be Diana Ross."

Eye-run Wal-king Some snaps his fingers. "I've got it! Let's run into the bathroom while he's taking a shower!"

And so they do, and the camera dutifully follows them in so we can see a naked Banh Mi looking dismayed as he reaches for a towel.

At the gym and Dr. Watson is preparing. First, by doing some light exercises, then by changing his facial hairstyle from "mountain man" to "Old West villain" to "hipster" to "young dude going out on his first date". While this transformation is going on, Dr. Watson is narrating, something about fighting and ditching his girlfriend and his dogs and how he learned to be a master of disguise to keep his girlfriend and dogs from ever finding him.

Thankfully, it's time for Jonathan and Dr. Watson to fight, and once they start mixing it up, it becomes apparent that Jonathan won't have as easy a time as he did in his earlier bouts. That is to say, in the first couple minutes Dr. Watson manages to pop him a few times in the chops with his fists. But then it's all Jonathan until the final bell of the third round, the alien creature throwing Dr. Watson around and battering him with punches nonstop. Jonathan takes the unanimous decision, thereby earning himself a berth in the finals.

Next up is Banh Mi and Chris Rock on Steroids, and for being a dude who takes showers naked and may or may not be touching himself, Banh Mi is ostracized and ridiculed and made to wear a scarlet "A" on his TUF jersey. Even Jonathan, who strives to keep himself apart from "those filthy Earthlings", notices how completely alone Banh Mi is.

"Humans. Damn," says Jonathan from his hiding place in the hollowed-out insides of a stump.

And then it's time for Banh Mi and Chris Rock on Steroids to fight. True to form, the Vietnamese Ecstasy dealer lets himself get beat on throughout the first round, though when taken down he does dish some right back in the form of elbows to the head. Still, despite landing some hellacious body shots in Round 2, Banh Mi continues to take punishment, with Chris Rock on Steroids throwing wildly and landing about a third of the time. Both men are exhausted in the final round, but neither gives up, and up until the end they're throwing hard. The split decision goes to Chris Rock on Steroids.

And there you have it, the final TUF 12 match-up between Jonathan the alien/Muppet/God-knows-what thingy versus Chris Rock on Steroids. But if there's anything to take away from this season, any pertinent fact to file away and keep in mind for future use, it's: GEORGES ST. PIERRE CAN'T SPEAK COHERENT ENGLISH. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MORE SPEAKING ROLES.

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In the game since 2001, covering everything from UFCs on down to underground shows. Read my book RAW COMBAT, follow me on Twitter (jim_genia), or check out my YouTube page (RawCombat). No one knows the Northeast fight scene like I do. NO ONE.