Every pastor faces the constant challenge of how to handle personal and congregational “secrets.” Because of the unique relational nature of our work, pastors probably wrestle with how to navigate secrets more than any other profession. Who among us has not wrestled with how to negotiate the blurred lines between those who are our members, parishioners, acquaintances, friends or even perceived adversaries in our faith communities? Most pastors have pondered: Should I even be friends with my church members? How do I handle that I enjoy the company of some of my flock more than others? How do I avoid the conflict of interest or the appearance of fostering favorites? How does being closer to some of my members affect my pastoral work and how others perceive me? What is it like for those who are not in my closest inner-circle?
Further, how do pastors transition from meeting with a church member for a pastoral counseling appointment in the afternoon to sitting next to that same person in … [Read more...]

My son is a Boy Scout, and we recently attended a scouting event that helps the boys earn their environmental merit badges. While listening to the geology merit badge instructor, I learned a word that I had never heard. I love learning new words and their meanings. Being trained to think systemically, I’m always looking for ideas, concepts and theories from other scientific disciplines that enhance or contribute to family systems theory. The word is uniformitarianism (a geological term) that suggests the present is the key to the past.
Systems therapists and theorists have historically accentuated just the opposite — that the past is the key to the present. For example, in crafting a genogram, one tracks past generations of one’s family of origin to understand one’s present family system. What a fascinating, paradoxical idea — that thoughtfully pondering what is going on in our present provides a window into our unknown past! Astute geologists can assess current rock structures and … [Read more...]

I recently Googled the term “parking lot meeting” and discovered something surprising. A number of business and communication instructors currently employ this term positively rather than pejoratively. They use the term to describe a listening technique by which the meeting’s leader addresses important sidebar issues that surface in the meeting – but are not on the official agenda – by placing such issues in a “parking space.” The leader assures those who raised these concerns that they will either be addressed later in that meeting or at a later date.
For years, family systems theorists have employed the term “parking lot meetings” in a more pernicious way. I now offer my definition of parking lot meetings from a family systems perspective:
“Parking lot meetings” refer to private conversations that take place either before or after an organization’s official meeting or event where select persons of similar opinions discuss concerns about that organization and/or its leaders … [Read more...]

In a previous Outlook article, I noted several key points about Murray Bowen’s family systems theory:
It’s based on cellular biology, not psychology.
Bowen said his “cornerstone concept” was “differentiation of self.” He explained that he arrived at his theory by comparing how humans mature by comparing it to how cells “differentiate.”
For Bowen, the terms “highly differentiated” and “highly mature” are synonymous
Bowen describes 12 “core capacities” of persons who are “highly differentiated/highly mature.” One of those capacities is to live a reasonably balanced life — a life with no prolonged “over or under-functioning.”
It’s this crucial capacity that I want to address here.
Take a moment to ponder your life — its daily practices, rituals, routines and rhythms. After being away from home for a while, have you ever had the epiphany: “When I get back home I’m going to change some aspect of how I live or work” — and then, despite your good intentions nothing … [Read more...]

Psychiatrist Murray Bowen coined the term “emotional field” to describe powerful systemic forces – something akin to electromagnetic fields. We all know how magnets attract iron particles, and how reversing poles of magnets causes them to repel. The more powerful the magnet, the more “stuck” the particles and the more powerful the repulsion. Although emotional fields are invisible, the ways they influence persons are quite knowable and predictable.
Predictable features of anxious emotional fields
Anxious emotional fields have predictable features. I offer the most salient ones with the hope of articulating their influence on relationships. In anxious emotional fields, anxiety is both contagious and palpable. You can both feel and “catch” anxiety from others. When anxiety increases, there is an increased desire for information or data. This desire often results in increased phone calls, texts or emails. As anxiety causes persons to regress and behave less maturely, secrets, … [Read more...]

One of family systems theory’s most helpful concepts and practices is “reframing.” I love this concept because it is so elegantly simple in theory and provides ecclesial leaders with helpful, practical resources for their pastoral tool kits. I define reframing as: A practice that opens up previously undiscovered choices by viewing current problems from different perspectives in order to foster alternative, healthier solutions.
A creative response to anxiety
Family systems theory notes that human beings are chronically anxious, and when they are presented with change, conflict or threat, their anxiety increases. Increased anxiety produces heightened emotional reactivity. Anxiety activates the primitive brain, which decreases calm and rational thinking and severely limits a person’s repertoire of choices. When stressed or threatened, people often become myopic to the point where they perceive only two choices: fight or flight.
Offering someone who is stressed a creative … [Read more...]