Online Dating and Introverts: A Good Match

"The Internet is introverted dater's best friend," declares Doug, who met his new bride online

Except some introverts are skeptical.

"I guess I lump the promises of online love right along with the promises of a fortune coming from a deposed African prince…" says Chris, an introvert who met his wife long before online dating. "There's so much anonymity behind a computer, and while that's a great tool for me when I want to limit my interactions with people, it seems counterintuitive towards starting an intimate relationship."

Well, yes. It does seem that way. But is it really? We probably all know people who made a serious connection--perhaps even met their spouse--through the Internet, either on an online dating site, or on Facebook, or through other online communities.

"My current girlfriend and I are both authors so we ended up following each other on Twitter, then graduated to emails, then to phone calls, then to meeting in person," says Don, another introvert. "It's what I'm most comfortable with."

There's a lot to be said for the combination of introverts and the Internet for making love connections. First of all, it's the only way that love might find you in your living room. You don't even have to leave the house (at first). Second, introverts tend to be comfortable with, and good at, expressing ourselves in writing. Third, communicating online first, before meeting, can be an easy way through all the awkward preliminary chitchat. (Doug and his now-wife learned even more about each other reading each other's blogs.)

Of course, like anything else, there are ways and ways to go about online dating. So let's talk a little about using online dating sites like Match or eHarmony.

For one thing, it helps to know what you're looking for. That's not to say you want a stringent and inflexible list of must-haves, but go into it with at least a rough idea so that you're not succumbing to what online dating coach Kimberly Dawn Neumann calls "supermarket syndrome"—filling your cart with everyone who seems even slightly plausible, until you become overwhelmed. And stipulate for yourself a certain number of hours a week that you will spend on reviewing profiles and responding to emails, so that it doesn't become yet another job on your to-do list.

You want to make sure your profile accurately represents you. No lying! Maybe, maybe you can fudge your age a little bit to turn up in a different search bracket, Kimberly says, but you have to 'fess up in the first email. You can tell yourself the other person will get over your lie once they get to know the wonderfulness that is you, but they won't. Mostly they'll start off not trusting you right off the bat.

And be sure to feature some of your charming idiosyncrasies in your profile—your unusual hobbies and particular passions. Yeah, yeah, romantic dinners and travel. Who doesn't like those things? But you don't want to blend into the crowd, so be sure to mention your pet ferret or competitive fencing medals or lifelong desire to walk across Siberia. Rebecca, an introvert who met her introverted husband online, was drawn again and again to his profile photo of himself hugging a horse. An animal lover herself, she recognized a kindred spirit. She also liked that he was articulate, witty, could spell, and paid attention to what she said in her emails, all indicating he was the kind of man she had in mind.

You can be upfront with your introversion—if the more isn't the merrier for you, you might as well say so. At the same time, you probably shouldn't be responding to people whose profiles are full of party pics. Some introverts are particularly attracted to extroverts and that's fine, but if partying is such a big part of a person's life that they use it to represent themselves, then the prognosis for an introvert's relationship with that person is not good.

And a particular caveat for introverts: If you think you're starting to click with someone, don't let the emailing drag on and on, no matter how much you enjoy it. "The danger here is that you create this online relationship that starts to get too intimate before you’ve ever met in person," Kimberly says. "What happens if you do all this sharing and then the in-person chemistry isn’t there when you are finally in front of each other?" This is a recipe for hurt feelings and disappointment, and it might make it harder to cut your losses and move on.

And, finally, be patient. “Try not to get discouraged," says Elizabeth, who met her girlfriend of three years online. "I think we have a tendency to get our hopes up that the first person we meet will be ‘the one.’ It can be a real emotional letdown when that doesn't happen, and there's a good chance that it won't. You might have to meet a dozen or more people before you would even consider a second date with someone.”

Which is not to say you'll meet a lot of people you won't like at all—Elizabeth made a bunch of new friends during her online dating adventures. And that's how you want to approach it: As an adventure. And it's not, as one introvert suggested to me, a sign of desperation. Desperation is sitting at home bemoaning your solitary state. Getting online and seeing who's out there is determination.

Strange as it may sound, dating sites like this are of interest to some extroverts too. I know an extroverted woman who spent years going to loud parties and mixed-gender events and never found anybody she really liked. Then she tried one of the online sites and found a shy, introverted, loving and talented man who she married!

The lesson she learned from this is that the type of man she was looking for would never show up at any of the loud party events she spent fruitless years attending.

I totally agree. I met my wife of almost five years online. Trying to date in the traditional way was murder for me. Besides beign an introvert, I am also a stutterer. The quickest way to end any shot with a woman is to fall all over your self trying to say hello or fail miserably at trying to say your name.

I am also a writer, so online worked wonderfully. I got to know people before the first phone call. If nothing else, it gave them a chance to know me before the first phone call. And I could let them know about my speech beforehand. A warning always helps. She quickly reached the point where she didn't notice my speech, to the point she forgot to tell her brother before he met me. He wasn't expecting it and was caught more than a little off guard.

What made it work for us was being honest about ourselves, our interests and experiences. I an a Christian and was looking for a fellow Christian woman, but the profiles where they said their church and faith was first and foremost didn't attract me like I thought it might. I know myself, and as much as I wanted those things to be my top priority, I knew they weren't. In my profile, I wrote just that: I wished I could say my faith and relationship with God were tops in my life, but in reality the overwhelming thing is my love for cars and racing. Lo and behold, my now-wife liked old things and old cars, so that caught her attention. She was looking for someone who liked old cars. Score one for honesty.

I am very sceptic and negative about online dating, it is somehow false. I feel like i am lying the person on the other side. On other hand i am quite highly introverted so i dont have much (at all) comunications with ppl outside of my quite small friendly group. So i end up at some endless loop. Deep at my mind there is a thought that when the "time" comes everything will go ok, althou i dont do anything for the happening of that "time". The other thing is that i feel that i am pretty ok bieng by myself.

i dont even know what i am trying to say with all of this, it is abit messy...

I definitely donot feel ok with myself I know I am a weirdo to ppl in my neighborhood. I really don't talk to anyone and I've been living there for 9 years. i'll stay in the house all day and talk to no one. I'm really fine withthat. I think I am on the extreme end of being and introvert. I've been thinking of online dating lately because it will be the only way i'll ever meet anyone. Anyway like you I don't even know what I'm tryin to say with all nof this because I don't want to write and article and I know I am veery much messy. Reading all of this has been great knowing I am not alone in being so different. I was beginning to think maybe I'm actually Autistic and it's never been diagnosed.

i totaly know what are you trying to say (or not knowing how to say but feel/live with). Some time ago i also got some thoughts about being with some light form of authism... I dont know... Most of the time i feel that i am not born at the right time/era. It is quite hard for me to blend in and when i am trying to do it, i need to make compromise with my innerself and thats very tiresome and exhausting. Often i am wondering if its worth all the troubles...

Although i like my solitude moments it feels always good when knowing you are not alone at all that mess

I've done lots of online dating and I've yet to meet a truly introveted woman. Do they even exist? Every profile I read describes being outgoing and searching for someone similar. Either female introverts don't exist or they don't admit to being one in their profile.

Or they don't post. Of course introverted women exist. You need to refine and broaden your search techniques.

If introverted women are reluctant to say so in their profiles because they think it's an unattractive trait, then one way to get around that is to state in your profile that you are looking for introverted women. And put a positive spin on it saying what you like about such women -- more thoughtful, contemplative, not loud party animals, etc.

I feel the only way for me to pursue internet dating is to visit a niche site matching my faith beliefs, and to be clear and upfront about my peaceful and sensitive nature (introversion). That said, it feels like a massive amount of effort as one meets people in every circumstance of life. And I prefer to be fully present to a person and take in all aspects of them, to feel if there is any possiblity of a connection. I am curious about new people and potential partners and enjoy meeting such in the real world, if the circumstances and environment are compatible with my sensitivity. ie no late night crowds, bars, parties etc. Much better for me at a (very!) small group daytime meet or casual social introduction.