Monday, November 30, 2009

There are certain impressionable moments in one's life, for me one of these moments occurred when I was 12 years old in Charlottesville, VA. Wearing my Virginia Tech hat I ran into a drug store to get a bottle of water where I was met by several UVA students. After getting into an argument concerning the sexual orientation of my hat I vowed that I would live a life that was decidedly anti UVA.

This hatred reaches it's apex every fall when the Hokie and Wahoo faithful come together to watch a spirited game of football and to tell the opposing side how much they can't fucking stand each other.

If you've never met a Wahoo let me put this into perspective for you. During their freshman year UVA students are required to take Elimination of personal fecal matter stench 101 and they all pass with flying colors. Did you know Thomas Jefferson founded The University of Virginia? No? Well if you talk to a Wahoo you'll get a full breakdown of his architectural masterpieces seen on the campus.....excuse me THE GROUNDS. Did you know Katie Couric went there? Edgar Allen Poe went to UVA AND they still have his room there. Perhaps you've heard of Robert F. Kennedy, you have? well he graduated from the prestigious UVA law school (They must not have had a class covering the legality of possessing 183 milligrams of Heroin) Tina Fey? Why yes she went to UVA. I don't know if you've heard of Boyd Tinsley....the violinist for the Dave Matthews Band....also a UVA alum, a Sigma Nu. Which brings me to another point. Not only does UVA have a strong greek system but they also have several secret societies.

Tim Gunn would absolutely adore a Virginia Football game.The first thing you notice at UVA is the dress. For males the standard attire is a coat and tie. Females typically wear sundresses, however for the brisky 50 degree temp at kickoff most decided with a nice orange sweater. One that says "I'd make a great wife, but I can drink Cabernet and vodka with equal efficiency." The leader of this group is some random 60 year old who has a scarf with a "Wahooligans" stitching. Leave it to UVA to take something distinctly European and apply it to American Football. Hokies on the other hand wear sweatshirts and I'll admit there are a good amount of painters and wig wearers although I'll contend that this is done to piss off Wahoos. Charlottesville is a great city, and it's great to walk around, but you will notice that UVA fans do indeed have wine and cheese at their tailgates brunches. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of Boones Farm and cheese whiz, just not at a football game.

Fans ruin the gameday experience When you walk into Scott Stadium you'll notice that it's a great place to watch football. Great sitelines, good seat room, and yes even the Jefferson inspired architecture. The problem is having to deal with UVA fans. As my party took our seats the first thing I heard was complaining from a elderly lady that she had to sit near VT fans. That elitism never graduates. we also sat next to some students who also gave us trouble. Little did they know we are some of the biggest wise asses to walk the earth. On another note Charlottesville townies are the worst type of townies. They have the asshole townie gene combined with the UVA elitism. Luckily for us we had one sitting next to us, let's call him Townie Tim, and he clearly hated Tech as much as we hated UVA.

UVA likes to talk about anything besides football. UVA sucks at football, no mistaking it. However, they really do have a solid athletic program, problem is they are good at sports that nobody cares about. Case in point UVA honored the Men's Tennis doubles National Champions. And you know what, good for them. Tim however decided to be a typical Wahoo and yell "You hear that Tech NATIONAL CHAMPIONS do you know anything about that." I replied that Tim likes Fuzzy balls, but the point is UVA with talk about random ass shit in order to compensate for their football team sucking fuzzy balls.

Cavman is a stupid mascot with a plastic sword.

Sweet feather. Douchebag.

As the game got underway UVA scored the first touchdown from their QB Sewell on a QB power that was the only effective play all game. After TD's UVA plays a song called "The Good Old Song" it's set to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. It's fun to yell "HAPPY NEW YEAR." This does two things. First it pisses off Tim. Second the old lady behind you will tell you that it's not the same song, to which you can say "I know, I'm just being a wise ass."

The first half was somewhat competitive. Tech screwed up a couple times UVA was hitting us with the QB power in critical situations. Tim however was very vocal that there was some type of VT penalty on every play. As we sat through halftime thinking that this was another typical VT game the excitement was in the air. Could the Hoo's pull a major upset? Will they win one for the Groh, will the women behind us stop telling us to sit down? And will Tim receive the victory he's been seeking for 6 long years?!?!?!

No.

Courtesy of Kam Chancellor and Ryan Williams' Voodoo the Hoo's lost 42-13. But this did provide us with a great chance to bond with the UVA faithful. Highlights include The women behind us saying that they were tired of me yelling "Grimm Reaper" after Cody Grimm did anything. Explaining basic football rules to two UVA students. Telling Tim that Soccer season is right around the corner. Chanting Keep Al Groh. Tim flipping our party off and responding with "is that how many wins you have this year." Seeing a majority Hokie Crowd give the let's go Hokies chant. Watching Tim enter Depression. Seeing Tim's friend fall over. And ultimately seeing VT walk all over UVA in the second half.

In conclusion I'd like to thank the VT students sitting in front of us, Ryan Williams, Danny Coale, Cody Grimm, T-Mobile, Kam Chancellor, and most importantly Tim for giving me a great experience on the Grounds.

So for the shit storm favorite non-traditional Thanksgiving food. Let's hear all of your wacky family recipe's. Me? Fried oysters.

In other clusterfunk news some marketing genius decided that the BCS needed to be amongst the people on twitter. problem is nobody likes the BCS. I could just see it now some hot young stud/lass with a kick ass marketing degree thinks they are a genius for synergizing their appeal by using new media strategies thereby creating a Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.This shows me two things. 1. Some people have no idea what actually goes on in the real world. 2. The BCS twitter operator actually thinks the BCS is great.

Monday, November 16, 2009

I'm sorry Hobbers. I was getting schwacked with work yesterday and today just now realizing that I hadn't put up the shit storm AND I didn't even tap the right arm to bring in Icehouse or Stovall. This makes me a dickhead which is actually perfect for this storm.

The steroid thing never really bothered me, it was just satisfying because another notch in ole Lattimer's "called it" belt. But I think it goes without saying that Clemens is an asshole. What trying to weasel his way back into the Hall/greatest pitcher of all time conversations. There was also the time he attempted to kill and impale rival douchebag Mike Piazza. He also bleached his hair and the whole McCready thing.

Next for the douchebag A-Rod. Two baseball players, see a trend? Now originally I felt sorry for A-Rod, he was a great player with no friends just trying to make it in this world. THEN we get this.

Really A-Rod? A Centaur? Now if any normal individual did this it would probably be hilarious, but a top 5 baseball player? Not so much. Anyway, with A-Rod you also have the mirror pic, teammates not liking him, Madonna, and cheating on his wife with a manly lass. So I don't know maybe he's just weird.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Sorry we missed last week, but you know some of us have shit to do....

LIKE PARTY!!!

Ok first off I realize this is a week old, but Elizabeth Lambert is now a favorite of GRH.

This is awesome. I'd like you to notice how many cool things happen in the span of this video. Cue Icehouse: "OMG FUNK!!!"

I'm putting this in because I think the funbag has been a little too fun as of late. I heard someone say that this is how sports movies should be done in the future. I'd like to kick this person in the nuts. I just love it when Hollywood destroys books. IF you go and see this, just know that it's missing several aspects of the book, one of which is the failure of American institutions (ala The Wire). For those of you who still want to see it and call me cynical by all means go and watch the bastardization of a legitimate American dream narrative.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I would really like to thank the Orlando Magic for making all of my basketball dreams of what was possible in 1999 come true. The Spurs were fresh off of a championship, so now drunk off of glory and cough syrup, I was truly able to appreciate the game for what it was.

However, 1999 was the start of something incredible. The sophomore seasons of Vince Carter and Jason Williams completely redefined what was possible on a basketball court. Rifled 60-ft passes for alley-oops? Sure. In-game windmill dunks in traffic? Fine. Buzzer beating threes? By the shitload.

This train of mixtape wackiness and fanciful flavor gallivanted across the nation on a nightly basis. Some people will only remember the beginning of the Kobe-Shaq dynasty, and the continuation of the Spurs and therefore Western Conference hegemony. Not I. 1999-2000 will always mean Houston rappers, a West Virginian in Sacramento, and a Floridian in Canada to me.

Hundreds of thousands of NBA Live 99 teams had to have been manufactured to include these two players. Ten years later, the dream has been fulfilled. Ten years later. After ten years in athletics, it's going to be different. These two players are in fact shells of what they once were. Empty craters of potential that blew up in our faces. Settling for jump shots and textbook chestpasses weren't part of this fucking dream. So I leave you with videos remembering the good times. Just as a reminder that at the turn of the century, nobody did it iller than these two.

Nobody had cell phones, the Internet was slow as hell, but the roundball was dope.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Veterans day is coming up so lets celebrate our friends in the Armed Forces by shit storming the greatest athlete/serviceman combo's.

We all know the story of Pat Tillman, and there some other great guys out there.

I'll start it off with Chuck Bednarick.

Before Bednarick was an all American at Penn, and the last great two way player in the NFL, he served as a waist gunner on a B-24 Bomber during WWII. You're probably asking what more could this guy do to make me like him more? Well I'll tell you.

Bednarick completely annihilated Frank Gifford. I'm talking ole Frank being out for a year and a half domination. And that's one thing we can all stand up an applaud.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Usually we reserve this spot for NFL talk but did you happen to see what went down yesterday? Oh that happened.

This is why CFB is so great. I heard so many say "boo hoo, there aren't any major games. We have to watch an undefeated team from a different conference in the night game." As most of you know I never take this stance because it's football on TV and as a result I must find ways to make games compelling because I need excuses for not doing anything on Saturday. As a result, the gods shined down upon us and graced us with sweet sweet victories and defeats.

I know I argued for the big 10 (11) earlier this year, but I think they took it way too far. It's not like I'm best friends with them, just sticking up for the kid that was getting bullied in the hallway. Which is why I was freaked out that Iowa somehow kept on winning games by the seat of their pants. It reminded me of the 02 tOSU squad. Iowa going undefeated and getting into the MNC if one of three teams screw up? That's a world I do not want to live in. Northwestern, everyone's favorite Big 10 (11) team came through once again by screwing a top ranked conference foe. A nation is in your debt once again Wildcats.

Michigan lost, which is always fun.

Now, the only BAD thing that comes about from this is tOSU controls their own destiny to win the conference and play in what could go down as the worst Rose Bowl ever.

Ok so after the early Big 10 (11) lineups come the 3:30 games. On the surface there were some good games to watch but I think we can all agree that we were treated to some tasty treats.

Let's talk Alabama-LSU first. Good game, between traditional SEC powers with MNC implications. Of course Alabama came out of it victorious and clenched the SEC west crown. That's about it right? WRONG. No on top of this great match up we were treated to FANSANITY. And not just any fansanity, SEC fansanity which is the best of all.

Now if you watched the game, I'm sure you realized this was a terrible call. But bad calls happen all the time and LSU still had to drive down the field for a TD. I figured LSU fans would be pissed about the call, and boy was a right. A quick survey of message boards reveal several things. First, LSU and other SEC fans seem to think there is a massive conspiracy to keep Alabama and Tim Tebow undefeated. 2. Alabama fans are to be reckoned with, they seem to have coordinated a pre-emptive message board strike arguing that the call had no bearing on the outcome of the game. 3. SEC fans like to argue over who is more racist.

Now the other thing occurring during this battle over moral supremacy is that zany Pac-10 and their regional fox sports channels. If you paid any attention to the bottom scrolling thing, you probably noticed that Stanford was leading Oregon for the majority of the day. And now I would like to take this opportunity to say Stanford I love you. You adorable little nerds, every year you do something that makes me smile. Whether it's your loony tree or beating over rated/hyped/stupid Pac-10 opponents. Keep this up and you'll take over Wazzu and Pete Carrol as west coast entities I don't root against. On another note, why the hell does Oregon...OREGON get fellated by the media every year. The Phil Knight theory is the only plausible explanation that comes to mind. But seriously, beginning of the year the fighting highlighters were shamed on the blue turf and in a matter of months they are MNC contenders? Some assholes even had the audacity to rank them ahead of Boise. Ever since I was a small child I could not stand the University of Oregon. I don't know why, it may have something to do with Dan Fouts, but every year the fighting highlighters get more and more annoying what with their Zoo, their uniforms, their belief that they are somehow a top 10 team. Good riddance.

In other news, the ACC played football this weekend.

But on the real, Clemson will get their BCS hopes up only to watch them die in miserable flames by the all powerful hands of the football gods. Paul Johnson on the other hand has his team lined up for a BCS matchup in his second year at GT. Good for him, and good for the flexbone.

Before we get to our final sweet victory/defeat I want to talk about the outsiders. I'm of course talking about Boise, Cincy, and TCU. The whole situation sucks. In fact Boise is so worried that they'll be left out of the party that they are hiring a PR firm. And you know, they shouldn't have to do that It would be fun to see them play them play the big boys, but on that same note it's also not fair to some other teams who played in difficult conferences to take a step back in favor of teams with a record. So like I said, the situation sucks, and it seems that all three will get into a BCS bowl, just not the big one in Pasadena. Which I think seems fair.

Now for the schadenfreude you've all been waiting for. Notre Dame.

People ask me about Notre Dame, and to be honest I like Notre Dame, I want them to do well. Sure it's only to see them fail in the end, but CFB is a lot more fun when ND is in the picture. Currently ND just isn't that good, they never really were. A good point is yesterday when a Navy team simply beat them in all aspects of the game, especially in the coaching department, so lets give credit where credit is due.

Now ND has a rough go of it with the academic standards and the schedule they typically play so on some level I kinda feel sorry for them. However, I still think it's fair to make fun of them. What with Charlie's decided schematic advantage, Jimmy Clausen signing his letter of intent at the CFB hall of fame, rolling up in a stretch limo. Canning Tryone without even letting him see his seniors go 4 years, telling Bob Davies he couldn't run the flexbone, backing into BCS bowls, etc etc etc. So yes, it is perfectly fine to make fun of ND every time they fail to meet expectations.

Fantasy news, Stovall is doing well in both leagues but he did not draft in one of them. I think that speaks to the level of competition we're all up against.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Well this year of college football has a very unsportsmanlike feel to it. First we start off with our favorite knockout artist LeGarret Blount. I think you all remember it so we won't have to show you the video. Ah screw it, it's worth watching again.

There is talk about Blount making a return to the Oregon team, which is very convenient considering the fighting highlighters are vying for a Rose Bowl berth. Hmmmmm. No but honestly I think this is the right move. I said from the beginning that Blount should be suspended indefinitely and forced to prove that he deserves to be on the team. the punch, as dumb as it was, was probably a 1-3 game suspension, flipping out and going into the stands? Half the year at least. Combine this with previous issues during the Summer and Spring? I'm surprised you're back so soon. But no this is a team issue, as it should be, and hopefully Blount turns it around for the better.

What I don't like is people trying to justify all of these cheap shots. "Hout had it coming." Really, because he slapped you and essentially said how about that ass whooping (which Blount reffered to earlier in the week) Do you really think Hout is the first or last asshole to talk shit after a game? Of course not, and in the end Blount ended up hurting his team (yes I realize that was their only loss) and costing himself several million dollars. I won't go as far to say that this is the same type of attitude we hear about where someone was "disrespected" and they end up putting a bullet in someone's back for it. But it's certainly something to think about.

Fast forward to last week and we have several other questionable tactics.First up Brandon Spikes.

Rowdy Roddy Piper would be proud.

But after reading the calm, rational explanation of Florida fans the eye gouging was a retalition to this.

Or according to the evangelical base, this.

The first video seemed to be a normal play. It's obvious Spikes got hit in the eye but I don't know if it was a full on eye raking. Second video yeah pretty unsportsmanlike. Now here is where I contradict myself, because I would be lying if I said there weren't marked men, paybacks, and attempts to get under someones skin. There are. What I can't stand is when fans who have no idea what is going on try to justify certain actions on the field. Hell I heard one guy who was saying it was not that big of a deal because Spikes only spit on his hand and rubbed it in the back's face. Well now I'm relieved. It's funny how fanhood gets in the way of logic. We celebrate pitchers plunking guys in retaliation and hockey enforces kicking ass to protect the star player, yet people think stuff like this is the end of the world.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Quite the shame, really. He was certainly missed last year as he struggled with back pain.

Some people hate on Bill Walton, which I just don't get. As far as color-commenting went, he was hilarious. He was also kind of the anti-Van Gundy in that he might disparage the same people for the same reasons, but without the fast-talking eastern pentameter. Walton was a sage of the court, the original roundball flower child.

Given to hyperbole, absolutes and favoritism, it was plenty of fun to listen to all the different ways that he could come up with to say that someone was good at basketball. A few of my favorites:-"Andrei Kirilenko is the best 3-on-1 fast break player in the NBA."-"Charlie Ward is the best in-bounds passer in the history of basketball."-“John Stockton is one of the true marvels, not just of basketball, or in America, but in the history of Western Civilization!”

The same could be said about him saying bad things about people as well. For instance, I apparently have seen "the two worst shots in the proud history of the Houston Rockets." Thanks, Cuttino Mobley!

His announcing during any international contest was fantastic, as he would just open up the wikipedia page of any given country and start spouting off GDP statistics, or the interesting topography of Argentina, for instance.

He loved Rock n' Roll and Basketball, in that order. Luke Walton once said that his earliest memory is Jerry Garcia running naked around his dad's backyard teepee. That teepee must have been a muhfuckin party.

As the final eulogy of the greatest sports announcer in the history of television, I will say three resounding renditions of, "Todd MacCullough throw it down throw it down," and "Amare Stoudemire! Winner of the genetic lottery!"

Monday, November 2, 2009

Ok maybe, we should have done this last week, but this Monday is just as good.

The Storm.

If athletes were Halloween candy.

So something along the lines of this.

Peyton Manning/Tom Brady/El Hombre/Lebron James and several other players are Snickers Bar.Why? Well they are all regarded as the most popular players in their sport, much like the Snickers Bar is wildly popular throughout the world. They have everything you would want at their position. (Peanuts, Caramel, Nougat, Chocolate) When you bite into a snickers bar you know you are tasting greatness, and you watch greatness every game they play. They are the total package. However the main downfall is the over saturation of Snickers/athletes. Snickers are everywhere, and so are these elite athletes. I mean a Snickers is Snickers, and Bron is Bron. In fact outstanding performances are so commonplace that they truly have to reach out of this world greatness in order for most of us to stand up and tip our caps, which is akin to eating an ice cream Snickers.

So there you go. To keep it interesting athletes and candy can be reused and every type of Candy is in play. That means candy corn, candy apples, etc. And no, comparing a white athlete to a zero bar is not funny or original.

And you know what let's just go ahead and include teams if we want to.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

First off, what the hell? Not only do we have 3 teams that are undefeated , but they are also as different as can be.

Colts - No surprise here. Colts are always playoff contenders with Pey Pey barking out signals. They've played some good teams, but none of them are worth to write home about. They look good, but vulnerable at the same time. Basically, we expected a team like the Colts or Pats to come out strong and be about as interesting as, well, Peyton Manning.

Saints- Again, not a huge surprise, but boy are they fun to watch. If the Colts are the boring ass Budweiser of teams, the Saints are some type of crazy ass exotic concoction that contains ingredients from China which may or may not be legal. The only other team that has reminded me of the Saints is the Greatest Show on Turf from yesteryear. The Saints have played some good teams and rocked their world.

Broncos- "This is the week they lose" Yeah, I've been saying that since week one and have been wrong every time. I don't know how they went from a team on the brink of an epic collapse to first round bye in the playoffs, and I don't think anyone really does. I would say that this week they will lose to the Ravens, but I'll probably be wrong.

The intersting thing is that there are equally shitty teams. The Redskins, Rams, Lions, Bucs, Titans, Browns, and Chiefs come to mind. In fact if you look at this year, the parity in the NFL has gone through the shredder. I think I heard something like the Rams, Browns and Lions have failed to cover the spread in one game this entire year.

So what does this all mean?

Well I wonder if this is a taste of what the NFL will become in future years. it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that there wont be a salary cap next year, in theory widening the gaps between the haves and have nots. I dont know if it's a good or bad thing, but it's something to think about for the rest of this year.

In GRH fantasy news we have four teams at 6-1 including the marquis match up of G Rapes of Wrath (me) and Harem of Men whose avatar gives me a false sense of confidence.