Monday, June 21, 2010

God's Perfect Plan

Thursday, March 4, 2010

God's perfect plan

On March 10th we will celebrate the birth of our second daughter, Chase Christine. Chase would have been 12. She was born still. Chase's memories are bittersweet - but more sweet now than bitter. Our eldest son, had been born two years before Chase and was in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) for a week, beginning at 8 days old. We spent the next year terrified that he would die in his sleep, or that a prolonged seizure might render him permanently damaged. His doctors knew nothing of a long-term prognosis - it ranged from "he will never walk, see or hear to he is permanently brain damaged to we have no idea". We had given him to God so many times, only to take him back. We had finally come to a place that God had given us the peace that passes understanding. We knew that he was a gift that would change our lives. God was using him to teach us to trust in His perfect plan. It was a path we would have never willingly embarked upon, but one that we would be eternally grateful for. God taught us about His sovereignty, His majesty and His mercy. God was also preparing us for Chase. We thought that we had been through the worst of it with eldest son. We were anxiously anticipating Chase's arrival. We were re-arranging rooms, getting the crib ready, laying in a supply of diapers, and mostly just enjoying the last little bit of time before we held our new bundle in our arms. Then came the day that we went to the midwife only to find no heartbeat. That day is still a blur to me - a blur of doctors, nurses, friends, family, but mostly a blur of Chase. She was born at 12:15 a.m., in a hospital room with just her mama there to catch her. My husband had made a mad dash to get a doctor, but they didn't make it back in time. No crying, no celebration, just stillness. Nurses took her away to clean her up and dress her. I was taken to another room to be attended to. It was all surreal. When our doctor brought Chase in to us, she was beautiful. She was dressed in a little pink gown, with a pink cap on her head. She was perfect. I held her for hours, as did my husband and our doctor (who went to our church). We took pictures. We cried. We prayed. There wasn't enough time. I wanted to hold her forever, but there isn't enough time to hold a dead baby. I had to let her go.

I was so angry. I was mad at God. I was mad at me. It wasn't fair! Was God punishing me through my children? Gently, softly, God took my hand and led me through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. It was a long walk, it was a dark walk, but God held my hand the whole way. He whispered to me of love, of hope, of eternity. He gave me the gift of suffering. He allowed my heart to be rent, so that He could be my balm. He gave me eyes to see His Perfect Plan. He taught me that His ways make no sense to me but they are perfect in mercy and love. His Way has produced Hope - and Hope never disappoints.

Six years ago, my dear friend was expecting their 7th child. She was having him at home with a midwife present. Her husband called about 5:00 a.m. to say that Tucker had been born, but wasn't breathing. Praying, we raced to their house. I knew, as we pulled into their driveway, that Tucker had been whisked away to heaven. After the midwives and EMT's had worked on Tucker for about 45 minutes, our friends chose to let Tucker go home. By this time, our other friends had gathered at the home. We sang praises to God and wept. My friend, D and I had the honor of bathing Tucker and dressing him. This very act was a balm to my soul. I had always wondered how Chase had been treated by the nurses. Had they treated her like a beautiful baby girl, or had they been careless? Had they known that she was precious to us, or had they looked at her as a distasteful job to be done with quickly? Bathing and dressing Tucker became an act of worship. While I bathed his wee body, I thanked God for his life. While I dressed him, I was grateful for the opportunity to serve. While I rocked his lifeless form, I prayed for our friends. I prayed that they too, would cling to the Father's hand as He led them through the Valley.

Chase's memories are still fresh, but they do not have the bite they once did. God have her to us as a wonderful gift from a loving Father. He knew that where our treasures are, there our hearts will be also. We have treasure stored up in heaven. Chase was God's Perfect Plan.

2 comments:

Hi Enola, My dear sister in Christ Jodi was days from delivery when she found out that her son Christian was still born. That was about a year ago. During the delivery, she was such a testimony as her husband helped her pace the hall crying and singing praises to God with her husband and 8 children. I am sure that the medical staff will not forget her. I personally can not relate to that type of pain. I could only hope that in that hour I would raise my hands and praise God. Holly

Dear Enola - I left an anonymous comment a few posts ago telling you how much I enjoyed your outlook on life and your beautiful Christian values. You are such an inspiration to women everywhere - whether they are practicing Christians or not!

My husband and I have recently left our high-paying jobs in the city and a gorgeous home to move to crappy little shack (not quite a "shouse" but not much better either!!!) on 9 acres in the middle of nowhere, also known as Cape Breton Island, also known as "the most beautiful place in the world"!!! And so far, after 5 months of being here - we looooove it! (although we have had our share of mishaps with freezing pipes, generators, electricity, etc.)

Your posts feel like some sort of teaching/healing/soothing balm for my soul and I just want to say thank you. You have taught me so much already.

Thank You for sharing all of this. Thank You for sharing Chase. Thank You for being such a beautiful person.

You do have wonderful treasure stored up in heaven and I am very happy for you!

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About Me

I am a christian, conservative, survival minded, homeschooling,off-grid, independent, home-birthing, Proverbs 31, Titus 2 minded 40 year old woman. I live with my husband and five children in our solar/generator powered shop on 30 acres. We are homestead types who try to do as much as we can ourselves, but understand the importance of community.