Nicholas Salerno, 90, of Dennis Port, Massachusetts, was charged recently with solicitation of a prostitute. The charge came after he had called the police to report that the call girl had stolen a necklace from him after the act.

Salerno reportedly paid 48-year-old Karen Proia $100 on June 22nd to take a taste of his beefy bologna.

He told police she used the bathroom in his house and he later noticed his necklace was missing. He reported the alleged theft to police June 30, records show.

Police recovered the necklace at Bass River Coin, records state.

A police officer told Salerno he also would be charged with a crime, for soliciting a prostitute, to which Salerno responded, “I don’t give a (expletive). I’m 90 years old …” according to court documents. Read More…

According to the police report, Salerno informed the officer that arrived to file the theft report that he had made, that he had learned about Proia from a friend who had told him that he had paid her for a blowjob and she’d do it for him too.

Salerno’s necklace was found later at a local pawn shop, a worker there told police that Proia had recently brought it in.

The charge of soliciting for Salerno was eventually dropped and Proia faces a September 1st court appearance for prostitution and larceny.

In a just world she’d just be facing charges for stealing the necklace, the other thing was just a business agreement between the two.

This past Tuesday, Sheriff’s Deputies in Okaloosa County Florida responded to a home, where they found Suzanne Hulvert, 51, with a fork stuck in her hand. She received the stabbing, in retaliation for hitting her husband, Carl Smith, 66, in the head with her half eaten Burrito Supreme from Taco Bell.

Suzanne Hurlvert and Carl Smith

Via The Smoking Gun:

Hurlvert, cops noted, had a fork protruding from her right hand, but was still “relatively calm and in good spirits.” Hurlvert told investigators that she and Smith had argued about his drinking, and that the dispute turned physical.

As the couple quarreled, Hurlvert allegedly hit Smith in the back of the head with the Taco Bell burrito. Cops noted that burrito remnants were “located on the floor, scattered on the sofa, and on a lamp shade.”

…

Smith, who was arrested at a nearby bar, and Hurlvert were each charged with felony battery counts. They are both free on $1000 bond, according to jail records. Read More…

Is it any wonder Donald Trump won the Florida GOP primary? The State is filled with a bunch of fucking idiots.

Amie Carter, 31, arrested and charged with criminal mischief and exposure of sexual organs after pleasuring herself in front of a Lexus.

How I missed this story last month when it was first reported, I will never know.

Last February in Orlando, Florida, police arrested 31-year-old Amie Carter after she was found stomping naked on the hood of a Lexus that she had just finished pleasuring herself in front of — while a couple was inside the vehicle.

Now that’s a girl to bring home to Momma.

Via The Orlando Sentinel:

While atop the vehicle, Amie Carter, 31, stomped on the hood and threw a cellphone at car stopped behind the vehicle she was standing on, according to an arrest report.

Carter was arrested and taken to Orange County Jail.

She was charged with criminal mischief and exposure of sexual organs.

Officers responded to East Par Street and Formosa Avenue about 11:15 p.m. Sunday regarding a naked woman walking in traffic.

When police arrived, they saw Carter walking in the middle of Formosa Avenue. She wasn’t wearing any clothes, the report said.

“Carter appeared to be under the influence [of] a heavy unknown substance,” officers wrote in the report. “She appeared in an altered mental state, displaying extremely irrational and volatile behavior.” Read More…

23-year old Ashley Stabler was arrested last Monday, nothing was really notable about her arrest, but her mug shot photo is amazing. It looks like either she walked in on someone doing something ridiculously filthy or just experienced something really filthy herself.

Via The Smoking Gun:

Stabler, 23, was busted Monday afternoon for driving with a suspended license, no proof of insurance, and improper license plates.

Locked up on $600 bond, Stabler is scheduled for a court appearance tomorrow.

According to court records, Stabler was arrested in 2011 for assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, though that case was later dismissed. Stabler pleaded no contest in 2013 to a larceny charge, and she has a pending driving under suspension case. Read More…

Heidi Creamer, above, in a mugshot from a separate 2011 arrest, was charged with domestic battery after knocking out her twin sister during an argument over a vibrator.

There is nothing quite as magical as sisterly love, take for example twins, Heidi & Holly Creamer of Florida.

On the afternoon of December, 7th, from the 3rd floor balcony of the apartment that she shares with her sister, Holly Creamer screamed out to neighbors for somebody to call 911. Holly you see moments before was punched in the face and knocked down to the ground by her sister Heidi after a verbal argument the two had over Heidi’s boyfriend as well as a vibrator turned violent.

When police arrived Holly was still up on the balcony and Heidi was locked outside the apartment door screaming obscenities at her battered twin sister. Due to her aggressive behavior and violent outbursts, the officer on the scene restrained Heidi in handcuffs until back up could arrive.

Unfortunately, the police report, did not get into specifics about the nature of the argument over the boyfriend or the sex toy.

Travis Micho, 52, violently attacked worker at an assisted living facility with a tastey burrito.

When will it end? We need to stop this violent burrito culture, once and for all we need to rid our streets of these dangerous burritos, taquitos, enchiladas and assorted similar weapons.

This past Sunday, Travis Micho, 52, of Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, was arrested after on battery charges after throwing a dangerous burrito at an employee of the assisted living facility where he had been living.

Via The Smoking Gun:

Travis Micho, 52, tossed the burrito during a dispute with Claressa Tharp, according to a Kootenai County Sheriff’s Office report. Micho, deputies reported, “grabbed his burrito from his dinner plate and threw it at Tharp as she was standing across the table from him.”

Tharp, 40, who works at Harmony House Assisted Living in Hayden, was struck with “several pieces of the burrito.” The balance of the burrito “was on the wall,” investigators reported. Read More…

This could have been worse, thankfully he didn’t use the much more dangerous Chimichanga.

Moeed Malik, 24, of West Hartford, CT, decided he wanted to get a little action so he answered an ad from “Barbie,” on backpage.com. Barbie, came to Malik’s place of employment, Smoker’s Discount World, where she proceeded to provide oral sex in the pipe shop’s back room.

After his pipe was smoked by the call girl, Malik apparently dissatisfied with the “services rendered” decided that he wasn’t going to pay so he gave the hooker the shaft.

An argument followed and “Barbie,” real name Yamilet Mattei, 18, and her friend Danielle Santos, 21, who had driven her to the business, took off with two hookahs as “compensation.”

Via The Smoking Gun:

In a move he now likely regrets, Malik called 911 to report the hookah theft.

Police responded to the business and interviewed Malik and Mattei, who “freely admitted that she took the hookahs from Smoker’s Discount World because Malik was refusing to compensate her as agreed upon.” Mattei, the report notes, “stated that she took three hookahs off of the rack as compensation for the ‘blow job.”

For his part, Malik was “verbally confrontational” and could not stick to a single story, police noted. He claimed to have hired Mattei as a “favor” for an uncle who never showed up at the shop (which is seen at left).

Smoker’s Discount World, West Hartford, CT. Image via Google plus.

Mattei told officers that Malik described himself as a “good looking guy” and asked how much she charged for oral sex. He then inquired about the price for “bare back” sex. Later, while being fellated, Malik told Mattei that he “always wanted” to get “deep throat [from] a Puerto Rican.”

In light of Mattei’s admission, she was charged with prostitution and larceny. Malik was busted for patronizing a prostitute and reporting a false incident. Santos was charged with criminal mischief (for breaking Malik’s iPhone) and pot possession. Malik’s rap sheet includes several prior arrests, including a March collar for drug sales, possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia, and interfering with police. Read more…

It seems that 19-year-old Bobby Burt, who apparently won the name lottery at birth, has one heck of a sense of humor. The frequently arrested teen picked a very interesting choice of clothing to wear to take the booking photo for his recent 48-hour sentence for drunk driving — a shirt emblazoned with a picture of his most recent mugshot.

Bobby Burt, 19, Pittsfield, MA, had the mug shot from his June arrest printed on the orange shirt, along with the words, “Sponsored by Bud Light and Somerset County Sheriff.”

Via The Smoking Gun:

After copping a drunk driving plea, Burt was ordered to spend two days in custody, beginning August 8 at 6 PM. “Going to do my 48 hours whoo,” Burt announced on Facebook two hours before surrendering.

When he later arrived at the jail, Burt was searched, directed to pose for a mug shot, and shown to a cell. He was especially prepared for the booking photo session.

As seen in the above mug shot, a coworker of Burt’s at a Pittsfield restaurant created a shirt with a reproduction of the booking photo taken following his mid-June arrest. The t-shirt photo was captioned “Burt Family Reunion 8/8-8/10/2014” and “sponsored by Bud Light and Somerset County Sheriff.”

Beneath Burt’s mug shot was a second image showing a cat sitting on a couch flanked by a TV remote and a bottle of Bud Light. The cat photo, sadly, was too far down the shirt to be captured by the jail’s mug shot camera.

Burt, who happily wore the orange shirt for his jail photo, subsequently wrote on Facebook that corrections officers made him hold the slate in a way “so you could see the shirt.” He added, “They laughed there asses off haha.” The shirt’s mention of a family reunion is an apparent reference to an incarcerated Burt relative. Read More…

I won’t be impressed until he wears a t-shirt of himself wearing a t-shirt of himself wearing a t-shirt of himself.

You just can’t make this stuff up. On Friday July 11, in Des Moines, IA police arrested a man for man for getting into a drunken bar fight with a hatchet. The man’s name? Shelby Mustang GT500 Miller.

Via The Smoking Gun:

Miller, 26, tussled with patrons at the Cheap Seats Sports Bar in Des Moines, according to cops. After departing the bar around 1 AM, he allegedly returned with a hatchet under his shirt, according to a Des Moines Police Department report.

Witness Brian Bates turned the hatchet over to police, saying, “He just dumped this in the bathroom when he came in. He had it under his shirt.” When cops questioned Miller about the hatchet, he became aggravated and yelled at Bates, “You snitch motherfucker, I know you, I’m going to get you.” Read More…

It is unknown if Shelby Mustang GT500 is his birth name or if he had it legally changed, but for his part Mr. Miller claims that police nabbed the wrong sports car. Alleging that he was in fact the victim and it was the other guy who tried to scratch his pain job.

The novice criminals–Sykes, 23, handed the teller a note, while Westhusing, 19, drove the getaway car–were almost immediately undone by a tracking device that the teller placed among the 48 bills she forked over. An amusing U.S. District Court affidavit describes what happened when the duo found the suspicious device when they returned to Sykes’s house to count the loot.

Sykes told investigators that she “went to a computer and searched the Internet to figure out what the device might be.” Panicking and assuming that the pair would be busted, Sykes “ran out to her car and hid the device.” It is unclear why she did not try to dispose of it somewhere besides underneath the driver’s side floor mat in her purple Hyundai Accent.

Brittney Sykes and Emma Westhusing

I guess I really can’t blame them though, what kind of deadbeat parents gives their sons names like Brittney and Emma?

Lincoln, NE – A Halloween celebration is blown for one teenager. Officers saw someone swerving on the road and driving too fast. When they pulled over 19-year-old Matthew Nieveen they got a huge surprise. Nieveen was wearing a Breathalizer outfit. Police also found a half-full bottle of vodka and several cans of beer. Police used a real intoxilyzer to determine Neiveen was two-times over the legal limit. Neiveen was cited for several offenses; including driving under the influence, minor in possession, open container and negligent driving. Authorites sent him to a detox unit. The DUI is his second offense. Neiveen’s passengers also celebrated the holiday by wearing French maid and naughty border patrol costumes. They ended up with tickets for under-age drinking.

This is funny. I originally found this at the Smoking Gun, man do I love that site.