[More lecture, from Fred W. Lorch's version of "The Vandal"
(in The Trouble Begins At Eight: 294-95]

In conclusion I will observe that even galloping as we did
about the world, we learned something. The lesson of the
Excursion was a good one. It taught us that foreign countries are
excellent to travel in, but that the best country to live in is
America, after all. We found no soap in the hotels of Europe,
& they charged us for candles we never burned. We saw no
ladies anywhere that were as beautiful as our own ladies here at
home & especially in this audience. We saw none anywhere that
dressed with such excellent taste as do our ladies at home here.
I am not a married man, but -- but -- I would like to be. I only
mention it in the most casual way, though, & -- do not mean
anything -- anything personal by it. We saw no government on the
other side like our own -- not just like our own.
The Sultan's was a little like it. One of his great officers came
into office without a cent, & went out in a few years &
built himself a palace worth 3 million. It brought tears to my
eyes in that far foreign land -- it was so like home. . . .

We saw no energy in the capitals of Europe like the tremendous
energy of New York, & we saw no place where intelligence
& enterprise were so widely diffused as they are here in our
country. We saw nowhere any architectural achievement that was so
beautiful to the eye as the national capitol of America, at
Washington, & we saw nowhere any building that was -- that
was --just like our Washington Monument. We saw no people
anywhere so self-denying, & patriotic & prompt in
collecting their salaries as our own members of Congress. We saw
nothing in Europe, Asia or Africa to make us wish to live there,
& when the voyage was done (& it was a very, very
pleasant one, take it all together), we were glad to get back to
our own country where moral & religious freedom prevail --
where politicians are incorruptible, -- where accident policies
are cheap & where the chances to get your money back are good
on all railroads.