Stages Of Inebriation

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We all have different levels of intoxication that we go through more regularly than we would ever care to admit to people with morals, values, and actual life goals. We know what reactions any certain combination of alcohol will solicit, but there is a point where we lose this awareness altogether. Not even the Lord and Savior Jesus H. Christ knows what will happen after our next drink.

Although we see various stages of random behavior in our drunk selves, some people have very specific stages of intoxication. One of my friends, Brian, is the perfect example. He goes through these stages like clockwork.

FYI

This is easily the most irritating stage. Basically, he talks like a normal human being except everything he says is preceded by an “FYI”: “FYI, I gotta go take a piss,” or “FYI, Beav, you probably don’t want to use that lighter, you don’t wanna know where it’s been.” The need to feed him more alcohol is immediate.

We Should…

This one is pretty common, and this person can be a great tool when boredom hits. Just get him to this stage and he will come up with some ill-advised idea that is guaranteed to turn into a story later.

He’ll spew out something like, “You know what we should do? There are a bunch of cows a couple miles down the road.” You’ll bite and pry for an explanation with a simple “And…?” and he’ll gleefully respond with, “Well I rode a mechanical bull once, so it should pretty much be the same thing, right?”

He’ll channel some gibberish language at this particular stage. He makes the most aggravating noises that sound exactly like how you read “na noy ne noy.” Although, we have found that it is only in response to questions.

You’ll ask some harmless question like, “Don’t you have your final at 8 a.m. tomorrow?” Without missing a beat, he’ll respond with, “ne manoy ne noy nannoy.” Just don’t even bother with conversation, because you’ll want to put his fucking dome through the drywall.

Hi, I’m Brian

We all have that stage where we get the random, usually false sense of confidence to go talk to the dime over by the ice luge, but this is a little bit different. Instead of having a particular target in mind, he will walk up to every chick at the party and say, “hi, I’m Brian,” but before the chick’s response is out of her mouth, he’s already walking away obliviously, and walking up to the next girl only to repeat this over and over. He becomes a fisherman who casts out his line and immediately reels it in. He doesn’t have a prayer of bringing in a bottom feeder, much less a trophy fish — but at this point, he could care less.

Zoboomafoo

This is the reason I started keeping track of his stages. For those of you who grew up without a childhood, Zoboomafoo was a show where the star was a talking lemur named Zoboomafoo. This stage is usually the final stage before puking or passing out. When Brian gets this drunk, no words come out of his mouth, but he is still functional. When he gets to this point, it’s when you want to stop everything and just watch him go. He only communicates through hand motions, facial expressions, and nodding or shaking his head. The funniest part is that about once a minute, he will randomly lick the air in front of him. When he puts it all together, he looks exactly like a lemur. The last time he got Zoboomafoo drunk, he got up when nobody was watching, licked the air, left, found a random person’s unlocked door, went inside, found an empty bed, and slept there.

I got him a lemur costume after the first time he reached Zoboomafoo as a token of him getting the drunkest that I had ever seen a human. After all, it was an astonishing accomplishment..