The Other Mother In Our Home: Why Nannies Make Families Stronger

Disclaimer: I am a working mother in Manhattan. I have a full-time caregiver who, in the grand tradition of The Nanny Diaries, I’ll call Nanny for the sake of this piece (as she certainly didn’t agree to raise my son and be the subject of my articles).

But let’s set something straight: I am not one of those mothers who thinks she’s “being a mom and something” as Mona Simpson describes in her New York Times cover story “The Other Mothers Of Manhattan” this weekend.

I have no illusions that I’m “being a mom” and “being a lawyer or writer” when I sit at my desk writing or lawyering. In fact, pretending that I can somehow do them at the same time— parent a toddler in any substantive, hands-on way and produce solid work product— devalues both endeavors. From eight in the morning until six at night, Monday through Friday, I talk to clients, editors, and sources. I draft and redraft. I do not nurture, discipline, or educate my son during business hours. Nanny does.

Much like her novel, My Hollywood, Simpson’s article pulls the curtain on the complex, emotional world of nannies, the children they watch, and the women who pay them.

As she points out, childcare isn’t just a 1% issue. More than four million babies are born in the US every year. 55% of mothers remain in the workforce. Given the mobility of American families and the absence of public day care in this country, finding affordable and loving options for your child while you work is something we should all be concerned about. After all, it’s tough to drop the kids off with grandma when she lives hundreds of miles away (or is working herself).

The United States ranks an embarrassing 27th among developing nations when it comes to early education, and 37 states have cut back on support for childcare post recession. Almost 30% of parents surveyed worry that their income won’t cover their childcare expenses. And any parent will tell you, maternal guilt crosses all kinds of socioeconomic and geographic boundaries.

By the same token, parents who deny their nanny the social position and respect she deserves (whether or not it’s because they’re uncomfortable, as Simpson suggests, with their own absence from their child’s daily life), are actually doing a disservice to themselves and to their families.

By now, pretty much everyone is on board with the notion that it takes a village to raise a child. So why not accept that, whether your work outside of the home by choice or by economic necessity, you need some sort of paid help to raise your child? There’s really no way to be a “mom and something else” during the day. So why are we still forcing women into this dichotomy— defining ourselves by the hours we do or don’t spend with our children and fueling the Mommy Wars?

In last month’s Atlantic cover story, Princeton professor and former State Department official, Anne-Marie Slaughter argued that feminism sold her a bill of goods— that she could somehow work and parent simultaneously.

I found myself scratching my head. Really, Professor Slaughter? With all due respect, you thought raising a child and doing something else at the same time was even possible? Have you ever watched a caregiver on the job? Ever seen someone negotiate a treaty or deliver a great college lecture? Personally, I’ve only seen the latter. But they seem pretty hard to multitask.

The key to a stronger family unit isn’t trying to juggle parenting and being something else. It’s about letting go and trusting the person or people who raise and educate your kids while you’re not around— and believing that your bonds with your child are strong enough to withstand your workday.

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When I read the last paragraph of this column, I could feel my jaw drop open in reaction to the words. It was such an incredibly sad statement. Ms. Urist’s belief of what the “key” to a strong family unit is, made me realize all the more the differences in parental beliefs with regard to the parents’ roles in raising children.

Caregivers and teachers are certainly significant to children in many ways, there’s no question about it. However, it is the parents who should be the ones raising their children, teaching and serving as examples to these precious ones the important morals and values that should not be left to someone else with the hope that your bond is strong enough to withstand your workday.

No matter how many hours you put in for the demands of your job, your job as a parent demands more. Make sure that you make the most of that tremendous responsibility while you’re with your children. They won’t be children forever.

Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a comment Francie. I absolutely agree with you: parenting demands much more than your day job- setting an important moral example and teaching your children (and raising them) is a tremendous responsibility. BUT many parents who choose to work or who have to work because of economic necessity leave their child in the care of someone else (teachers/childcare) for many hours during the day. When they are not around (when parents are working), they should feel comfortable letting go and allowing those caregivers and educate to teach, discipline, and nurture their child. The key words being when they aren’t around to do it themselves because they have to work or choose to work. I’m not saying parents should give away their responsibility in any way. I’m talking about work hours. The key to a good, strong family unit is relying on multiple people to help out- it take a village. Just like a family would rely on members of their family if they could- or how multiple generations used to pitch in to help parents out.

Thank-you for your incredibly thoughtful and honest article. As a working mother, a lot of what you raised in your discussion resonated with me.

Firstly – you are absolutely right. We are not parenting when we are work. We are working and someone else is parenting our children. This is why it is key that the care situation (whether it be a nanny or group childcare) is enriching, loving and safe. Too many parents are forced to make less than ideal choices for their children due to cost restrictions or pure inability to secure a space.

I wish more people viewed the care giving profession with respect and admiration. Caregivers provide a foundation of trust, early learning and self-confidence. A good one is like gold dust and can literally transform a child’s life; and as you pointed out, a caregiver can become an intrinsic part of your family circle. ’ In other countries, childcare is the priority and responsibility of the whole community. Women go to work in the fields during the day, and the children stay behind in the village with the elders and other young children. Everyone helps out and everyone values their well-being.

I can only hope that as more and more women enter the work force, the message will come through loud and clear that a nationalized childcare program is an important long-term investment in the future health and well-being of the whole nation.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I hope one day the US finally focuses on helping working parents as well, and that we do, in fact, help make safe, affordable, loving childcare a priority and responsibility for the whole community.

Th yoanks, I am a nanny and realize not all mothers are mature or secure enough to ubderstand the way wrote about our contribution as a child giver. I love my job and do the best I can every day asking God wisdom, read about current events and improving my skills as a good team player. Thanks again!!!!

Emily, thank you so much for leaving your comment. Our nanny/caregiver is an incredibly important part of our family and always will be. And the family that you work for is very lucky to have someone who loves their job and takes the time and care that you do.

There are many reasons that families have nannies. Most reasons are something similar to ensuring proper, nurturing supervision of the children while the parents are otherwise occupied. However, there is another benefit. Did you know that nannies can help parents be better parents?

Nannies As Stress Relievers

If you delegate your routine household chores (light housekeeping, laundry, washing dishes, grocery shopping, errand running, etc.) to the nanny, then more of the time that you have at home with your children can be quality time (time reserved for interaction with your children). Additionally, if the nanny’s relieving you of these tasks makes you feel less stress on a day-to-day basis, you will be a more relaxed, patient, nurturing parent. Finally, there are times when parents simply need more than two hands to accomplish all that needs to be accomplished at any given time in the home (for example, what does a parent do if both of the twins are crying . . . in different rooms . . . and no other adult is at home to help?). By having a nanny, parents have another set of hands to help them attend to concurrent issues. In sum, by enabling more time to be spent in quality parent-child interaction, increasing a parent’s ability to be patient and nurturing, and providing an additional set of hands in times where multiple time demands are concurrent, nannies can help you be a better parent.

Media has emphasized this point. Episodic television programs on this point include John and Kate Plus Eight.

Nannies As Knowledge Base

Because experienced nannies have raised a larger number of children than most parents ever will, those nannies have dealt with (and learned how to respond to) a wider variety of child-rearing circumstances than most parents. Consequently, these nannies can be viewed as experts in the field of raising children.

Additionally, many parents seek nannies who know how to perform CPR, the Heimlich maneuver, and other first aid responses. Many nannies are well versed in nutrition. Further, many nannies have additional credentials (i.e., a background in early childhood education, a working knowledge of child psychology, etc.). In sum, there is much to be learned from these nannies.

Media has emphasized this point. Episodic television programs on this point include Nanny 911 and Super Nanny. Movies on theme include Nanny McPhee (2005) and even The Sound of Music (1965).

Conclusion

Most nannies are selected based on how they can relate to and care for children. However, let us not overlook how they can help US relate to and care for our children.