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a married woman's journey into D/s

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Scared

My daughter came out as bisexual on facebook late last night. Daddy told me about two weeks ago that she had talked to him about it. I am in awe that they feel so comfortable with him. This last weekend she said it outloud in front of me for the first time. I let her know that she had not informed me of this. She said she didn’t tell me because she figured we kept nothing from each other. Lol What I didn’t know is that her sisters and their boyfriends already knew. She worked it into discussion several times this weekend and she was told she was not to bring it up in front of her great-grandmother at a party she was throwing. Time and place and this was not it.

I did not know she was going to post it on Facebook and I will say that I am unprepared to take questions and concerns from the family. As I was reading her post this morning I had a text. I have yet to respond.

I am struggling with part of this. It’s not about her interests in girls but her labeling herself. To my knowledge she is not in a relationship that would necessitate the need to prepare everyone. I think I would feel better if she had a girlfriend. I don’t know this is sounding really bad. I just worry about her slapping a label on herself that others can use against her.

I don’t know if I’m making sense? I’m confused as to why I’m struggling with it. I’m proud she is who she is but I worry she will be targeted. I guess the me that will not speak up for fear of drawing criticism fears that she is waving a red flag drawing the attention of the bull.

I have answered my own question I’m scared. Not only does she have to stand in front of that bull but so do I.

I have to agree with Cinnamon, I would say she is brave as well. Your concern though Is understandable as in to many cases people see labels a a defining factor of who someone is which is not the case.

Last year our middle son, 16 at the time told my husband that he was questioning his sexuality. He said he ‘thought’ he was gay because he was drawn to power ( guess he and I have that in common). Anyway you could have knocked me over with a feather. I have numerous gay friends and a few extended family members but I never suspected him to be gay.

When my husband told me I literally said,’ Huh’. But that was all. In the weeks that followed I answered many questions from him as he tried to admit to himself, more than figure out who he was or what his sexuality was. I reassured him that our family on both sides would not view him any differently (truth). He told me he knew that. I told him I wouldn’t tell people simply because it wasn’t my story to tell, not because I was embarrassed by him. We talked about ‘coming out’ and I encouraged him to do what he wanted to, but he was concerned for his youngest brother being teased, I don’t believe this would be the case. In fact our son is so very popular and not the cookie cutter stereotype that society pastes on one who is gay,he would probably help many with their views. In the end, at least so far, he has decided there is no point right now to be vocal because he is not in a relationship, nor does he find himself attracted to anyone.

A few people in our close circle now know. I did cry when I told them. Not because I was ashamed but sorry for the 2 years prior that he had restless sleep feeling he was different but couldn’t place why. Unlike many of my gay friends he did not always ‘know’. I cried with pride when I explained how he hoped his coming out would inspire others someday. I cried for him when he told me how much he longs to be a father, then reassured him gay or straight there are never any guarantees either way. But not once did I cry because he is who he is.

Where we live his rights to get married, adopt, etc are the same as any other couple. Do I worry that he won’t be accepted because he is gay? No I don’t believe I do. I worry because he does at times.

Together this summer we went to Gay Pride. As it happened we ended up marching because a friend’s company had a float. Here Gay Pride is quite tame in its production. He and I both ended up carrying flags. He even saw friends along the parade route. A friend of mine asked if he was concerned by being seen. He replied, ” No I am just helping out my Mom’s friend”.

Have we talked continually about this? No it has been almost a year that we have. I have followed his lead as far as discussions go. I will drop hints every once and a while to see if he wants to talk, but he hasn’t. On of my best friends told him he is on the ready to talk if he ever wants to, he is gay.

It is okay to be afraid. I think you very brave to put this out here. Not because you should be ashamed or worried that you and your daughter won’t be accepted, but then again maybe there is that fear, and that is okay too. We only want the best for our children. Some people (not saying you) when they find out their child is gay have to let go of their dreams concerning their children’s futures, but you know sooner or later we all have to do that anyway. I can understand not wanting to answer questions just yet, because you are still processing this for yourself. In the end however, it is her story to tell, and she is telling it the way she wants.

Thank you for sharing. It helps to be able to share my processing of this with those that I know won’t be judgmental. 🙂
I’m sure it did help him to know that whatever he figures out he is still safe and loved with his family.
I think I project my own uncertainty in this as well. I’m 41 and I don’t have myself figured out so the thought at 16 of making a declaration like this freaks me out.
You said he was drawn to power have you spoken to him about dominance and submission? Could he be interested in a female dominant? I do not mean to imply that your son is confused but this made me wonder if some are confused when they recognize that they are attracted to traits that are “normally” considered to be belonging to the same sex. Dominance and power are seen as masculine even though many of us know that is not always the case. stupid labels

We have talked about many things. He FIRST came out as saying he was drawn to power, which is why I mentioned it, it isn’t that simplistic anymore. That was how he began the conversation initially. After the first weeks of talking to him, one could have assumed he was asexual. Who knows? It really isn’t my business unless he wants to talk about it with me. All I do know is that he is much happier now than he was before he told us.

I should mention, as everyone is discussing labels, the label MOST use now when it comes to sexuality, at least here is FLUID . Let people interpret either way.

*** darn I forgot to add, since telling us he said he feels a huge weight lifted off of his shoulders~ regardless of how his future plays out. I suppose I of all people should be able to understand that, considering my confession to my husband years ago about submission. The first step is admitting, then talking, then just living a true life. We should be grateful in someways that they have the courage to do so!

my lovely one – i feel for you – and yes – i am scared to for mine. she announced just before the summer holidays that she was bi. All i care about is that she is happy – bi – straight – lesbian – i care not. But what i do care about is the label. P is 15 – she will be 16 on the 25th. i have tried to explain that people, and members of my own family will not like it – will judge her where it is so totally unnecessary. i have asked her for the time being to just be her.

i did not want to particualarly tell her, but i did tell her that i do sleep with both sexes – that i do not see the sex but the person inside. i have no label for me and i am just me .

Here – i am afraid i do blame wholly school. They want the children – and a girl at 15 is still a child – at 16 too… They should not be made to feel that they should choose especially at this age who and what they are – they have a whole lifetime to find out.

I fear that if she labels herself now – she will be stuck in a box – and the freedoms she should have will be removed – not by me, but by others – they will judge her – unfairly.

But like your precious girl – she is a fiesty little creature and have never backed down from what she believes.

So my darling one – be strong for her and follow her lead and be there when she needs to talk – for she will – and to you – her mother.

Exactly!
You know they do live in a different world. One that in many ways is a lot more accepting than before they got here. It is good they are accepting of their sexuality and don’t really see the need to keep a low profile.
It is what we want for them isn’t it?
❤️ you 🙂

This can be scary because you want to protect your baby and it threw you that she didn’t come to YOU so could have that talk. I personally wouldn’t answer questions about her sexuality…it’s not anyone’s business but her’s and whomever she chooses to be with.

I think that often young people process things differently. Your daughter may have been thinking about this for a long time and felt all number of emotions: confusion, fear etc. For some, I think, it is a relief to have a label to fall back on. Instead of the years of wondering and not being sure they arrive, finally, at a name of something they feel fits and have a sense of relief. They can now be who they are. And with the support and approval of close family and friends they want to tell the rest of the world. Not because the world needs to know but because, at last, they know themselves. I can understand your fear completely – our role is to protect. But for your daughter, perhaps the post is her way of saying that she is comfortable in who she is and is ready to deal with anyone who will challenge that. I agree with the others that she is brave. She is able to publicize to the world that this is who she is – like it or not. And I am thinking of the old expression that the apple did not fall that far from the tree! 😉

I had a discussion with one of my children about bisexuality not that long ago. Not about them but about a cousin who came out as bisexual to my child.
It prompted a discussion as to what bisexual means.
To me, bisexual means that you are aroused, you desire, so sleep with, people from both sexes.
It has nothing to do with being in a relationship. You can be straight and bisexual (I am, at least I don’t think I’ve ever thought of living with another lady), or bisexual and gay (would preferably live with someone of your own gender).

I completely understand your fear that people will label her. I believe that’s why I didn’t come out to my child either. Because I don’t need my ex to know and smear me or those around me.

Maybe have this chat with her, that labels are constricting, either for others or sometimes even for yourself? And that it may not need to be that she needs to put that label out there that much? That she needn’t be ashamed of who she is and what she feels, but she doesn’t need to cry it from the mountain top?

If you feel really uncomfortable answering a question, maybe say something along the lines of “I love my daughter, no matter who she chooses to love. I can’t speak for her, you’d have to ask her directly. But she has my full support to be who she wants to be, who she is”?

My eldest posted the same on Twitter this past fall. I worried about labels (ummm, I have my own interests!) and the “is this just to be cool” factor. We’ve discussed many times… You love who you love. I believe that. But the labeling of something… I don’t know.
If you want to discuss… Email me! Really! (also my daughter has had a boyfriend for a minute. I understand the attraction to girls… )
Anyway, I don’t know anyone in my life that’s dealt with this.

I think she may be exploring and she probably hasn’t though it out completely yet. She might be “trying on” the label. It could be real – a lifelong repressed tendency. It could be a passing phase. As a mom, I share your concern about labels and her being targeted. The World is not so nice to people who are different. Give her your love and support as she explores this. Give her your guidance to stay safe.

Yes I think that could be too. I try hard not to dismiss her and presume it is a phase. I have a hard time figuring out what I want now it’s hard to wrap my head around knowing at such a young age.
I’ve had quite a few tell me that their daughters also identify as bisexual. I am wondering if for those their age the world is really different. They see sexuality as more fluid and the world is certainly more accepting now than before they were born.

As my kids were growing up, one of the things that I wondered about was what would they be like as adults. I hoped they would be brave, compassionate, genuine people willing to accept and love themselves and others for whoever they are. Ex-DH and I actually had many conversations about thoughts of them with regard to their sexuality. And of course, like many men, he was incredibly concerned about what would happen if our son was not heterosexual. I told him in no uncertain terms that hell would freeze over before I would not love my son and not stand by him through whatever he was going through in life. My only thought on either of my children being anything other than heterosexual was the concern of the way the world would treat them. Who they love or how they love is not nearly as important as do they love and are they loved. As her mom, I can completely understand your concerns for her since she has pronounced her sexuality publicly. I haven’t been there, but I urge you to put aside your fear as best you can and stand with her. She sounds brave and fierce, but I bet she needs her mom to stand with her. Hugs and best thoughts to all of you now and in the days to come.