Revision as of 14:50, June 18, 2012

A typical youth preparing for masturbation in public, the most popular activity since Pokemon trading cards.

Pornography or pr0n is a class 4 addictive substance in many states and as been proven to cause cancer in California. It it made up of sequences of nude people dancing and touching other people in ways that are considered inappropritate everywhere but the Internet. Women should not handle broken or discarded porn, especially in tablet form, because it will just give them something more to complain about. Children and families are also not permitted to take porn because they might learn where babies come from. The Internet was designed by the US military and some universities to supply soldiers with pornography. But over the course of time, it was hijacked by American children stumbling across shock sites and other horrible things some time in 1994 and has not been recovered.

An interesting definition for porn is: any picture or video you suddenly lose interest in after masturbating.

Contents

Variations

Softcore pornography

Softcore is the type of porn most commonly found on your TV on channels such as Skinimax. Unlike hardcore pornography, softcore does not feature "the good stuff." A typical trait common of softcore porn is that it involves actresses over 30, desperately clinging to the hope that they are still hot in one last futile shot at the fame which has always failed them. This is the type of porn guys pretend to like because they don’t want to admit to anyone that the porn they actually prefer has tons of penises in it. Instead of the common penis the participants in softcore pornography have to use their germ-ridden fingers for stimulation, also making softcore porn the most dangerous form of pornography due to the large risk of catching something from other participants (if any) or from yourself if you had, perhaps, just been for a dump.

Softcore porn is often seen as the most hated category as people who don't like porn do not like it and people who do like porn do not like it either. Occasionally it is granted an artistic merit by washed up film critics over 30, desperately clinging to the hope that they are still (commercially) hot in one last futile shot at the fame which has always failed them.

Albacore Pornography

Albacore pornography comes with a warning label that your penis may asplode from pure beauty.

Also listed as the "hottest type of porn," albacore pornography exclusively features hot sex with Jessica Alba. It is known for its addictiveness, which causes frantic masturbation amongst males from 9 years old to 3 years after death. Watching albacore porn has been known to get men so excited that their penises would asplode, and following the 2005 release of the albacore flick "Fantastic Foursome," warning labels were put on DVD covers.

Lesbian

Lesbian porn is intended for lesbians, men who don't like porn with penises, and women who dream about having penises. It has also been scientifically proven to make your dick bigger.

Lesbian porn directors like to think that women like to suck on dildos for some reason (and that the audience loves it too).

Lesbian porn has often been accused of being like a jigsaw puzzle that doesn't fit together, but lesbians responded by flashing their boobs and turning on the accusers.

Porn Stars

The porn star is a regular participant in pornographic materials. Grown in special underground vats in Arizona, the porn star is genetically engineered (in the case of females) to store all body fat in the boobs and to grow no body hair. The vagina of a female porn star actually contains negative hair, microscopic nanobots that will consume hair, children, Mormons, and other pests upon contact. The male porn star, meanwhile, is designed to carry a penis so large that upon obtaining erection, the porn star will immediately pass out from low blood pressure elsewhere in his body, and can only be revived from playing a mixture of Barney and Fox News. Unfortunately for the porn stars, they are also designed to crave companionship, but since they are filthy disease factories, they will inevitably kill anyone they fuck. As a result, most porn stars resort to partnering with enormous objects, leading to instances such as goatse and Bill O'Reilly.

Catholic Schoolboys

Preferred by most single males in the religious workplace and pop superstars, for sexual self-gratification has skyrocketed by a whopping 147% since 2004, with the re-opening of the Michael Jackson trial. Considered to be taboo and an immediate Execution by many other religions, the act of child molestation has been widely accepted as necessary throughout the Catholic faith.

Cheerleaders

Where it's common knowledge that spelling words and catch-phrases during sex enhances pleasure, nobody can do it better than cheerleaders. Usually members of a dorm who are exposing themselves strictly to pay their tuition, they usually have a close, attractive friend who is also willing to expose themselves over the internet in performing false lesbianism for an audience of mainly 47-year old balding virgins (without getting paid themselves), the cheerleader often ends up enjoying the sexual exploitation provided by masturbating over a $12 Labtec webcam. A cheerleader's diet consists mainly of flavored lubricant and the occasional celery stick.

Bettie Page was noted for her role in the bestiality stag film loop, Egad! She Gave It Up To A Knuckle Walker!

Beastiality/Bestiality

Not to be confused with dog porn, Bestiality, sometimes misspelled as Beastiality or wanna lick lipstick dog dick (try saying that drunk), is the act of human sex with a non-Homo sapiens animal. Popular specimens include: the duck, horse, snake, eel, dog, sheep and Michael Jackson. Mostly performed for shock value, strange or a cash prize. Be careful not to offend: those who perform this act like to call it "inter-species erotica, fucko."

Leviticus 18:23 "Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it; that is a perversion, For fuck's sake will you stop having sex with my animals. If you're in the mood, have a wank. And don't you dare stick that thing in that squid."

With the growing increase of Self Pleasure, rape, sluttiness and generally feeling horny, pornography seems to be the answer to everything these days. Besides, why go out and make something of yourself when you can be vigorously stroking your penis or clitoris, belittling women or catching exotic genital diseases? The fact is that pornography encourages these acts. And since they are natural urges, they are encouraged, and sometimes even taxed. Take Canada's Pornographic & Sexuality Tax (PST) or Genital Stimulation Tax (GST) for example.

Religious Attitudes to Pornography

Balding middle-aged clergymen stand in the Pulpit and tell their congregations in thunderous voice that they must not under any circumstances VIEW PORN OR WANK TO IT (see Christian Logic). Especially they warn younger members of the congregation NOT TO INDULGE IN THE PREMARITAL WINKING! They’re still quite worked up when they get home after this. What do they do? Guess? If their wives aren’t in the mood they shut themselves up somewhere private. They take out that special pile of magazines that they keep carefully hidden. Alternatively they log into their computers and access that secret confidential file that nobody else sees. Later when they’ve satisfied themselves they get on their knees and ask God to forgive them. Some to the extreme may secretly befriend pedo-bear to get some of his sweet sweet pedo-stash. Then in return they do unspeakable acts for God, to ask for forgiveness of course.

More

Generally, we think it's fantastic. However, there is an ongoing study of "How Much is Too Much", the science community is leaning towards either "a lot" or "no such thing as too much".

A typical male cat, caught in the act.

Amount of porn

Contrary to Popular Belief, only three porn movies have been made since the discovery of porn in the 1950s. Since all the porn looks the same, people have been fooled for decades by simply changing the names of these movies and then circulating them as new. The most famous of these is Deepthroat who has only lately revealed his own identity. The famous Deep throat revealing none-other than himself (!), strangely to find his name to be "John Smith"!

Interesting fact, though, 99.3% of the internet is porn... In fact this very page and Uncyclopedia in general is literally full of it!

Things sometimes confused with pornography

Not all that spreads its legs is porn. Remember, no matter how nice and round and squeezable they may look, a guy's tits are never porn. Also, the little gashes in his anatomy, no matter what the artist intended them to look like, are porn as well. This means that shemales cannot possibly be porno, unless you can see their assholes.