Life is not measured by the number of breathes we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away...

Friday, April 15, 2011

The easy guide book for a mallu to become a dude!!

Several eons ago, fashionable people imitating Elvis Presley roamed the streets in a land called Kerala…Polka dotted shirts with designs that appeared like carbon covalent bonds and side burns that would have rendered contemporary shavers useless were sported generously by our older generation…. Though with a slight difference coz the malayalee Elvis was shorter and he was not Caucasian…That made Babumon rather an overweight Boney M with a moustache…

Circa 21st century….

The mallu aspiration that once made Babumon a Boney M and that made Mariamma chedathy a Marilyn Monroe is making a comeback…This time with a renewed vigor among the malayalee youth aiming to be the uber-alpha-metrosexual dude …Considering the entrepreneurs malayalees are, institutes have sprouted wide across the state which point to be noted, claim to be better than IIM’s….These institutes boasting a faculty having a dudeness oomph unheard of have instructional course designed for all categories of mallus…Pure 24 carat mallus to NRK’s to NRI’s….The institutes guarantee on successful completion of the course, the dude(previously mallu) can be proved mallu only if he is made to come near a plate of beef fry.

Hear what Eddie (previously Idiculla Thomas) who passed out in 2003 has to say…

“The Dude Institute has changed my life….There used to be a time in my life when I was so desperate to be a dude that it almost drove me to the verge of suicide... I am thankful to institute principal for giving me confidence to live again.”

Clara, a recent graduate gets emotional when asked...

“No….please don’t ask me about it…being a dudette was all I wanted to be…My ammachi is so proud of me now!!.” She replied wiping tears of her cheeks.

After a lot of deliberations the course director and renowned dude Tommy gave a brief insight about the high profile program…

Each participant on submitting the entire fees has to submit his/her passports and all kinds of identity information. The in-house agents would provide the candidate a complete new identity. Taking a stroll down the institute Tommy introduced us to some of his students…Chacko from Cheruplassery was now Chuck from Charlotte Town, Ousepachan from Idukki was now Bob from Idaho and it was not surprising to meet a Tracy from Panama city who apparently once was Thressiakutty from Pathamanathitta!

The resident English language instructor mentioned to us that trainees are punished severely for using malayalam phrases like… ente eeshoyeee...ente Velankanni maathaavei...bhagavathi...ente ammo…

While they are encouraged to use english exclamations like oops, ouch and schmuck liberally.

Another situation which dude has to be careful is when a dude meets another dude. This is especially important when you are meeting the other dude after a long time…Such dude-dude situations have to be handled with care. Sthalee ithu aaru...Machu kore naalu aayallo...aliyaa nee evide aayirunnu…are replaced with...yoo man…wassup….Such a pleasure to meet you…howdy man….

Besides the language a dude has to be surrounded by entirely new set of gadgets and stationeries and use new naming conventions…Trainess are encouraged to use the new names like...

Tuvaalaa >> tissues

Pants >> trousers

Kaapi >>> Cappuccino

Dosa >>> crepe

Puthappu >>> bedcover

The dude will not henceforth use the following products…

Lifebuoy soap

Godrej shaving box

Ummukiri

Blade

The dude is strictly restricted from having a mustache or a beard….Unless if it is of specific nature like a goatee….. The dude cannot have a hairstyle which has got a parting line… The dude cannot wear rubber chappals…The dude has to burn away all his lungis in a ritual which is done on the third month of the course…..A dude will have to make some major dietary changes…

And the dude has definitely not heard any of these…

The dude has to be extremely careful while mentioning his/her favorite books…The dude books are usually…

Ayn Rand

Dostoevsky

And a Dude definitely does not read..

Balarama

Malayala Manorama

By the sixth month the mallu has already transformed into a 80% dude. The remaining 20% is all about practice…The way you walk, the way you talk…

Put both your hands inside the jeans pocket while you walk..

Wear over-sized T shirts preferably with a picture of a black rap singer.

While walking, do it like you have a painful sore on one feet which moves to the other feet after a step.

If you follow the above methods you can reinvent yourself as a cool dude ….Our research have shown that we can transform themselves into highly sophisticated human dudes following the above procedure… On successful completion of the course, the dude would be given the honorary dude certification by the chairman of the dude board himself…The prestigious Salim Kumar dude scholarship would be awarded to the most outstanding dude of the batch in a glittering ceremony at the dude university..

If you find the dude course useful, kindly sponsor a desperate mallu so that he could become a dude as well…

24 comments:

Ha,what a terrific narration from dude's institute..Btw,this Dostoevsky option of books makes me rather doubtful.Is it mandatory ? just a doubt eh ?And is there any mention of music and films ? Can they say 'adichu polichu','bhayankaram'when in making ? Whatabout the yet to be dudes seeing a bunch of 'parotta'?Or that is a part of 'practical' exams ?Lol Mathew..Have a superb weekend!

D German Dude is BACK!!!! yay!!like the description of the walk...btw doesnt the course curriculam also require the mallus to forget malayalam 'light' music and focus only on black artists or trance.. :P

Nothing new to add: just like most of the other comments, really liked this post..most of ur posts actually..am an on-and-off follower of urs..been away from the blogosphere for quite some time..this one was the first one i read in ages :) looks like u too were on a break.