Monday, June 7, 2010

The Secret Dress

Yes! Yes! The ultra adorable dress that I won on eBay for Natalie had arrived. I got a fantastic deal and it would have been a crime to pass it up. Really.

But crap.

Tom was home. He was stretched out on the couch. He’d definitely see the package when I walked in with it. And just the other day I promised that I wouldn’t buy anymore clothes for the kids. It’s just...that was before I found the amazing deal. Maybe I should have added, “Unless I find an amazing deal.”

Tom feels that the kids have enough clothes for the summer. He peeked in their closets and went pale. Then he went through their drawers and pawed through the folded up clothes.

“So I think they have enough,” he said, staring at me pointedly.

And I found myself agreeing. But mainly because I wanted to get back to my television show. If I had said that no, actually the kids needed a few more outfits Tom would have lectured me. He’d have said things like, “And really, I don’t think Natalie needs more than five dresses,” and I’d have nodded along even though I’d be thinking, “Unless a really cute dress comes out.”

Tom isn’t innocent either. His vice is buying food. Even if I send him to work with a meal he sometimes detours somewhere and buys something. He’ll be all, “Oh, right before work I got a craving for a Snickers bar.” Or, “Yeah, I could smell Burger King in the air and HAD to have a Whopper. You know how it goes.”

So see? He was just as guilty.

I had a problem though. Where was I going to stick the package? I had to figure out something quickly, Tom would start to wonder what was taking me so long.

I decided to stick the package up my shirt. Then I’d rush into the house, toss the package somewhere and Tom would be none the wiser. Yes! Yes!

“Hi Tommy’s Mom.”

Shit.

Neighborhood kid alert. I repeat, neighborhood kid alert.

It was a little girl that Tommy plays with. She seemed to be frowning at my stomach. Probably because she could see the package outline. Or crap, she probably saw me sticking it up my shirt and was baffled.

“I know this looks weird,” I began. “But I’m just, er, keeping the package secret. It’s a…surprise.” This was sort of the truth. I was keeping it a surprise from Tom...indefinitely. He never remembers Natalie’s current clothes. She could walk out in a paper bag and he’d think she had it for years. It’s times like these when I appreciate man’s inability to notice pesky details like clothes.

The little girl blinked at me.

She clearly didn’t believe me.

“So yeah, I’m just keeping it a surprise,” I tried again. “Surprises are fun.” Could she just stop STARING at me for craps sake? Can’t a gal stick her mail up her shirt in peace?

“I just wanted to know if Tommy could play,” the little girl said.

Oh. So I probably didn’t have to go on and on about the package. All she was concerned with was playing.

Anyhow, I managed to sneak the dress in.

I ran inside and threw it in the hall closet. Of course I accidentally slammed the hall closet because apparently being discreet is not my forte and then Tom was all, “What was that?”

“A bug,” was the first thing that came to my mind.

“A bug?” Tom came into the room, frowning.

Okay, so that made no sense. Hurry, hurry, think of something else.

“So, you look good,” I said coyly, trying to look sexy. Mind you, it’s hard for me to look sexy because when I try to look sexy I’m usually asked if something is in my eye because for some reason to me being sexy is fluttering your eyelashes. Even though I’ve discovered that no, opening and shutting ones eyes rapidly is NOT considered sexy I still do it. I can’t help it.

“Um?” Tom was still baffled, probably because I was doing the eye thing. But in the end I managed to distract him. And really, I think the dress was worth it. I got it for only NINE dollars shipped and it’s a brand new dress. A bargain, really. So see? I HAD to buy it. And from now on, I will honor Tom’s wish and not buy anymore clothes.

I was out with my girlfriends a few weeks ago and one of them was broke, so I spotted her $20. She immediately whipped out her phone, hopped on Amazon, and said "I got $500 in amazon gift cards, what do you want?"

I had her order a graphic novel that I knew Husband wanted as much as I did. When the package came, Husband was all "Honey, what is this?" and I'm all "Oh! But LOOK! It's for you too!" which pretty much negated any annoyance he might have had with me.

Sounds familiar. If I know something is coming in the mail, I'll do everything in my power to get home before my husband. And if I accidentally get something at the mall, I'll leave it in my car until he's not home.

I feel your pain. Just the other day, hubs was taking yet another load of laundry out of the drier and said, "Our kids have a LOT of clothes!" Sure, but do they have the RIGHT clothes? I'm on an unending quest to find out..

I'm guilty too, I've definitely hidden bags from Gap and Gymbo from my husband. He's not quite as oblivious so sometimes he'll realize he hasn't seen an outfit before and ask where it came from. I usually mumble something inconclusive and hope he drops the subject.

You know what I do? Ha-- I put my car key in my pocket as I go out to get the mail. IF there is a package for me, I'll stick it in the trunk of my car or under the car seat if it fits... and walk in the house as if no package has arrived. Nobody looks in my car. When I am alone at home, I'll go out and get it. Nobody is the wiser!

I can't pass up a good deal either! I got a $15 off coupon the other day and it covered the cost of shipping & handling and tax on a shirt I bought online . . . So I made up a "but it saved me the gas on having to go all the way out there" excuse.

hahaha. my husband tries to get away with buying stuff. He knows he is no good at hiding it so then he will just lie about the price. I should be a detective, because let me tell you, I ALWAYS know. Like the golf clubs he just go for "75" were really "100"... I guess that extra 25 sounded like too much to him. I haven't busted him for it yet... I'll let him think he got away with it. after all, that is still cheap for clubs.

Cute dress! My suggestion is to hide it in your car, that always works for me! I'm so guilty of the clothes buying too...two weeks ago I told my husband I wouldn't buy the girls anymore summer clothes, but on Thursday I came out of the Children's Place with a full bag! Hey, but I got 12 items for less than $50, how can I pass that up?

and btw- my husband has the SAME ISSUE with buying food.. i don't CARE.. but it does sorta drive me way NUTTY.. why do i take the time to make his lunch if some days he decides to eat something else.. helloooooo

Funny! I do the same thing! I keep track of our finances in Quicken. So I smile innocently and suggest he check Quicken every so often (knowing full well that he never will). He's home on Wednesdays, too, so I'm have to stake out the mailbox that day.

Oh Tom! Doesn't he realize that she's a girl??? Five dresses will not cut it.

LOL - your description of hiding the dress (which is adorable by the way & yes it would have been a crime to not buy it) reminded me of me trying to sneak a pair of shoes into the house one morning because I wanted to wear them with my outfit. On retrospect, I probably should have just left them in the car and changed shoes after I left......

Until Fall season my eye..ha ha! Little girls are way to fun to dress...and they only stay little a short time until they start refusing to wear what we pick out. Keep looking for those deals...and pray Natalie doesn't discover Justice anytime soon. Argh.

Ever tried to reason with him? "See, if I become ill and have to go to the hospital, you will have to do the laundry EVERY OTHER DAY - unless we have enough clothes for the kids, that is." (^v^)

And - it's your fault I had to return to eBay and buy that cute turquoise summer dress I told the BF I would wear to work, together with a light-colored blazer (which I don't possess) because I had wanted to buy it last year and didn't and saw it again last week and wanted it and resisted, and then you come along and talk about dresses and eBay and I totally know I am not a child and know how to do laundry, but... Yes, I just wanted it. I didn't buy the other one I wanted (yet), the one that looks exactly the same, only that it isn't turquoise, but pink and orange. And yes, I will claim wearing this to work, too. (^v^)

I'll never forget the day I took my husband's teenage daughter shopping for bras and underwear. Not only did we hide the receipts and the bags, we also hide her underwear and bras. In his eyes she's still four :-)

I used to cut all the tags off and then when asked "Is that new?", do the only thing a girl can in those circumstances, reply "This old thing?". They usually do not catch on. Darling dress for the Nat, by the way!

That is a seriously cute dress! I don't have the luxury of even secret dresses, as The Husband checks our ONE credit card statement online once every hour. Really once a day, but I can't get away with nuthin'! ;-)