Caity Weaver

There’s only one thing modern day humans want to do and that is take flat circles of dough, layer them with sauce, cheese, and two helpings of pepperoni sausage, and then stuff them into mouths by triangles. We are pizza-crazy pizza monsters and we cannot get enough pizza. "I love you, Mommy," whisper our kids, as we tuck them into bed at night. "I...pizza," we respond.

Murder. Incest. The Devil’s magic. A free pizza with every pizza. These are but a few of the things restaurants will almost try in their unflagging efforts to...pizza.

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For the time being, retailers have resigned themselves to less showboat-y tactics than capital offenses. Domino's set up cameras at a location in Salt Lake City where anyone can play health inspector (or cockroach!) and watch workers preparing piping hot pizza pies 12 hours a day from five different angles. Chili's has begun offering pizza for the first time in its nearly 40 year history. (How did we, as a nation, allow Chili's Grill & Bar to prosper for four decades without offering some sort of pizza-based item on the menu? This is a question we'll have to ponder in retrospect, perhaps at a Chili's over one of its "four mouth-watering pizzas.")