An Interview With Warren Buffett

All the other PF bloggers out there have podcasts and whatnot, interviewing each other over and over again, which is kinda like the internet equivalent of everyone in the Big Brother house sleeping with all the other house guests. Because I am a deeply insecure person, I knew I needed to get in on this interviewing action too, lest I be left out and forced to sit at the proverbial nerd table. So I reached out to a few people, seeing if they’d be willing to appear on this very blog.

Because I’m kind of a big deal, I decided to start at the top, interviewing Warren Buffett. It turns out the Oracle of Omaha read my story about him last week, since he constantly cruises the internet for news. He’s a fan, so he was happy to answer a few questions, probably while sipping a Cherry Coke and eating a Dilly Bar from Dairy Queen. Because if Buffett is anything, he’s predictable.

Nelson: Hey Warren, thanks for taking the time. You’re the best.

Warren: No problem Nelson, no problem. I sure do love to do media. PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY, DAMMIT… Sorry, that just slipped out. Happy to be here.

Nelson: Warren, you recently bought shares in Exxon Mobil. Can you talk a little about what motivated you to make that buy?

Warren: Sure, sure. Well, you see, we have a whole bunch of money. Like, a crapload. I needed to put some of it somewhere, and Exxon Mobil is liquid enough that I can do it and not buy the whole damn company. I have rich guy problems, Nelson.

Nelson: I see. Warren, you mentioned earlier that you spend a lot of time doing media. I see you on CNBC and Fox Business a lot, and even on Bloomberg and Charlie Rose. What’s up with that?

Warren: Well, Nelson, I’m naturally a teacher, so I view my media appearances as an opportunity to pass down my wisdom to a very large audience. Maybe I’m not right all the time, but I think my record speaks for itself. (Laughs) Also, have you seen who they have interviewing me? Becky Quick handles the CNBC interviews. Liz Claman interviews me for Fox. Trish Reagan interviews me for Bloomberg. I’m lucky to get anything out that isn’t panting.

Nelson: Atta boy, Warren! You seem to like the ladies. Care to comment on the whole two wives thing you had going on for a while there?

Warren: I’d rather not.

Nelson: Aww, come on dawg! That’s some good hustle. (Goes for high five, gets left hanging)

Warren: No, Nelson.

Nelson: Whoa dude! What happened? You grew a beard.

Warren: That happens when you piss me off.

Nelson: Okay, let’s move on. Let’s talk a little about your philanthropic endeavors, and how you’re giving most of your money to charity. What exactly made you decide that you’d like to donate all your money?

Warren: Well, what was I supposed to do, give it to my kids? My goddamn kids are worthless. They’re not even billionaires yet, and they’re all over 40. It’s every father’s worst nightmare. If you aren’t a billionaire, you might as well be shooting up heroin under a bridge somewhere. You can quote me on that.

Nelson: Whoa. Heavy stuff there. Warren, what is your opinion on the market in general? I’ve been hearing a lot about how things are overvalued, especially technology stocks like Twitter, or Facebook, or Pandora.

Warren: Look, I don’t know anything about technology. Literally, I know nothing. The salesguy at the mall convinced me that a Razr from Motorola was the cool new phone. It works for me. Look, it flips. (Demonstrates with glee) As for the market, just go ahead and buy Berkshire stock. Like you can do a better job picking stocks than I can. Do they call you the oracle of anything, Nelson?

Nelson: My mom thinks I’m pretty awesome.

Warren: My point exactly.

Nelson: Uh, let’s move on. What would you say was your best decision of your distinguished career?

Warren: Oh, there’s so many. Buying a whole bunch of GEICO back in the 50s, buying American Express or Coca-Cola or The Washington Post stock when they were all beaten up. Plus all the people I met over the years, like Charlie Munger or Kay Graham and a million more people who all are terrific.

Nelson: That’s great. And what would you say was the worst decision of your career?

Warren: This interview.

(Awkward silence)

Nelson: Oh.

Warren: (Farts on a Dilly Bar) Hey, you want some ice cream?

Nelson: I saw you do that.

Warren: Do what?

Nelson: (sigh)

Warren: Look, I’m 83 years old. I don’t have the patience for this (crap). Are you going to ask any good questions?

Nelson: Well, uh, I… Geez, Warren, you seem like such a nice old man. What’s up?

Warren: I was told there would be hot chicks. Where are the hot chicks?

Nelson: How’s this?

Warren: Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?

Nelson: What?

Warren: Nobody wants to see that. You put some hot chick on here every week. How can you screw this up so bad?

Nelson: You’re old, I thought you’d like a more… mature woman.

Warren: This interview is over.

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Hey, I think I should make this a weekly feature. It went well. Any requests for any different finance celebrities? I can get just about anyone. I, uh, have a lot of blackmailable pictures.