My family can do whatever they want after I'm dead, but I really don't want them to spend a ton of money.

You can plan and pre-pay your arrangements ahead of time. That spares your family from having to decide amongst themselves (while grieving, no less) exactly what you wanted and how much you felt was reasonable to spend. Aunt Susie may not like it but at least Uncle Joe can say, "It's not my doing, it's what Mrs. Wine said to do.".

I agree with so many of the PP's that a funeral and a wake are not the same thing. At a funeral, I immediately imagine a priest, readings, people dressed in black, and maybe even something graveside. A wake is a toned-down party where people share stories about someone they all knew and loved. Not the same thing.

I'd rather people not have a funeral for me, but if they want to have a get-together and talk about my idiosyncrasies, that's a different thing and their business entirely. A wake is about the living, whereas a funeral is about the deceased. I think they're following the spirit of their father's wishes just fine. And as someone pointed out, we really shouldn't jump to criticise grieving people.

Funerals, memorials, services are for the living, not the dead. So the sons are just fine doing what they want and complying with the specifics of the instructions - no service. They are the survivors, they get to decide how best to cope with loss of their father. Do NOT let anyone criticize these guys.When one aunt died, she had told her daughter that she did not want anyone at the church to go to the trouble of having a dinner there for her. Usually the church ladies would prepare a dinner for those who attended funeral. So the church ladies did not do the usual dinner. We family members got together at a near by restaurant. It felt really strange! Everyone wondered what my aunt's daughter had against the church!? I think it was an unreasonable request the aunt made of her daughter. And I think she would have been fine ignoring that request.

Edited to add: if anyone in the family feels strongly, they can stay away. However in my opinion I think it is horribly, almost inexcusably wrong, to criticize immediate family dealing with Loss of a lived one. Some people have Sommer affairs, some people have celebrations.

I agree with the bolded, and hope that those who are against it keep their opinions to themselves instead of burdening the survivors.

Funerals, memorials, services are for the living, not the dead. So the sons are just fine doing what they want and complying with the specifics of the instructions - no service. They are the survivors, they get to decide how best to cope with loss of their father. Do NOT let anyone criticize these guys.When one aunt died, she had told her daughter that she did not want anyone at the church to go to the trouble of having a dinner there for her. Usually the church ladies would prepare a dinner for those who attended funeral. So the church ladies did not do the usual dinner. We family members got together at a near by restaurant. It felt really strange! Everyone wondered what my aunt's daughter had against the church!? I think it was an unreasonable request the aunt made of her daughter. And I think she would have been fine ignoring that request.

Edited to add: if anyone in the family feels strongly, they can stay away. However in my opinion I think it is horribly, almost inexcusably wrong, to criticize immediate family dealing with Loss of a lived one. Some people have Sommer affairs, some people have celebrations.

I agree with the bolded, and hope that those who are against it keep their opinions to themselves instead of burdening the survivors.

Let me preface this by saying that I know many, likely most, will disagree with me. But I would be uncomfortable with the wake. Before my father died earlier this year, he asked that we hold no service of any kind, and gave us a short list of people to notify. We are typically a "big funeral family" and I would have liked to have had at least a small memorial service and put a notice in the paper, but I did not. Honoring Dad's wishes was the last favor I was able to do for him, and I'm glad I didn't cave. I would hate to think that my loved ones had so little respect for me that they would throw a party when I specifically asked them to keep things quiet. Ultimately, knowing I handled things as Dad wanted makes me feel better than a service would, and I hope my final wishes are similarly honored. If not...well, I intend to haunt some folks!

Let me preface this by saying that I know many, likely most, will disagree with me. But I would be uncomfortable with the wake. Before my father died earlier this year, he asked that we hold no service of any kind, and gave us a short list of people to notify. We are typically a "big funeral family" and I would have liked to have had at least a small memorial service and put a notice in the paper, but I did not. Honoring Dad's wishes was the last favor I was able to do for him, and I'm glad I didn't cave. I would hate to think that my loved ones had so little respect for me that they would throw a party when I specifically asked them to keep things quiet. Ultimately, knowing I handled things as Dad wanted makes me feel better than a service would, and I hope my final wishes are similarly honored. If not...well, I intend to haunt some folks!

In your experience, your father asked that you hold no service of any kind. It seems like in your family, that covers wakes as well, which is fine. However, for a lot of people here, it seems, and perhaps in society in general, this is not the case, and the two are seen as separate things. It almost certainly changes according to culture, location, family traditions, and so on. Unless the family in this story was similar to yours in what "funeral" and "wake" meant to them, then I don't think we can assume that to them they're so similar that they're going against their father's request. Chances are, this was not the case.

Whatever the facts may be, if people who know these brothers feel like they're doing the wrong thing, then I sincerely hope they have the empathy to keep their opinions to themselves.

They are following his wishes as there is no funeral. A wake is different. A time for the grieving to come together to share stories, memories and be there for each other.

Please don't say "my family can do what they want when I'm gone". Neither of my parents let their final wishes be known. Three children with different ideas of how the funeral/burial/cremation should be lead to bad feeling. The death of your parent is not a time to feel like your siblings don't care about your wishes/feelings.

What if you really don't care, though? What I care about is that I am registered as an organ donor. After that, I have told my partners "do whatever comforts you two." Yes, I think this will work because they care about each other, and we have discussed what that's likely to mean--but rather than thinking of a funeral or lack thereof as the last thing that my loved ones can do for me, I'm thinking of this as one last thing I can do for them, because they're the ones who will be affected by it.

I'm sorry it worked out badly with your parents, but I suspect that they didn't realize that their three children did care and disagreed about what they wanted, because it's easy for people to assume that of course it will be done X way. And one reason people don't let their wishes be known is that they assume everyone, or at least everyone in their community, wants the same thing--knowing about funeral customs halfway around the world doesn't mean you'll think "my oldest kid goes to a different church now, and the youngest hates going near cemeteries, how does that affect me?"

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Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

Let me preface this by saying that I know many, likely most, will disagree with me. But I would be uncomfortable with the wake. Before my father died earlier this year, he asked that we hold no service of any kind, and gave us a short list of people to notify. We are typically a "big funeral family" and I would have liked to have had at least a small memorial service and put a notice in the paper, but I did not. Honoring Dad's wishes was the last favor I was able to do for him, and I'm glad I didn't cave. I would hate to think that my loved ones had so little respect for me that they would throw a party when I specifically asked them to keep things quiet. Ultimately, knowing I handled things as Dad wanted makes me feel better than a service would, and I hope my final wishes are similarly honored. If not...well, I intend to haunt some folks!

I agree. I feel like the brothers are following the letter of the request but not the spirit of the request. While a wake is technically different from a funeral, I consider them to be part of the same greater event.

Let me preface this by saying that I know many, likely most, will disagree with me. But I would be uncomfortable with the wake. Before my father died earlier this year, he asked that we hold no service of any kind, and gave us a short list of people to notify. We are typically a "big funeral family" and I would have liked to have had at least a small memorial service and put a notice in the paper, but I did not. Honoring Dad's wishes was the last favor I was able to do for him, and I'm glad I didn't cave. I would hate to think that my loved ones had so little respect for me that they would throw a party when I specifically asked them to keep things quiet. Ultimately, knowing I handled things as Dad wanted makes me feel better than a service would, and I hope my final wishes are similarly honored. If not...well, I intend to haunt some folks!

actually, I don't feel that's inconsistent with the view that most here are expressing. Funerals/wakes are for the living. If you felt the best comfort came from doing what your father wanted, then that was right for *you* - you mention that you don't regret it, so you clearly made the right choice for you.

If OP's family felt that a wake rather than a funeral service was right for them,that's their choice.

I tend to the view that the thing which the closest family feel is right, is the best way. And if that means holding a religious service for an atheist, or a wake for an introvert, so be it. If it brings comfort to the bereaved, it has achieved it's purpose.

Quite honestly, there's something unpleasantly controlling about ordering your loved ones not to mark your passing in a way of their own choosing. It may come from a good place ("I don't want them to be stressed out trying to arrange a big ceremony, I hate the thought of them all grieving in my name.") Guess what? They're going to grieve no matter what you tell them, and perhaps wish for a ceremony, just the same.

If it is a matter of religious or philosophical belief, I can understand not wanting a particular *type* of ceremony. But ordering your loved ones, "Just put me in the ground and forget about me!" is fooling oneself, if one does it in the belief that it would ease their pain, not make it worse.

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My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

I think there was a thread a while ago about the cost of funerals? Perhaps someone who says they don't want one has some experience of organising someone else's, and considers it a waste of money and effort, exacerbated by pressure from funeral directors/relatives/clergy etc.

For my part, I would much rather someone spent $$$$ of any money I leave on a few cases of good champagne and a party, than on an ostentatious casket, hearses, etc.

The other thing I ask people is, if you want to buy flowers for me, give them to me while I am alive, not after I'm dead.

My family can do whatever they want after I'm dead, but I really don't want them to spend a ton of money. They can have a funeral, or they can have a cremation and nothing else. But I plan to haunt them if they shell out a massive amount of money over my dead body. If I were to give those instructions, it wouldn't mean, "Don't do anything to remember me." It would mean, "Don't spend half of the life insurance payout on my stupid coffin."

POD. The people left behind can choose what to do. I always think of funerals as a celebration of the deceased's life and how that life is celebrated is up to the living.

I agree. I feel like the brothers are following the letter of the request but not the spirit of the request. While a wake is technically different from a funeral, I consider them to be part of the same greater event.