Fiction: The Nixon/Trump Tape

Whether George Washington chopped down a cherry tree is anyone’s guess. But no one disputes that he liked cherries, especially in a pie.

Other presidential favorites have been as varied as the food served at Chez
and Billy Goat Tavern.

Jimmy Carter and Barack Obama liked nuts. Carter nibbled on the humble peanuts that made his dad’s bank account anything but humble. Obama opted for almonds, but never too many.

For the most part, presidential tastes have come and gone with little fanfare, in part thanks to the dedicated White House chefs’ unflinching code of silence. Until now.

The Daily Snack has obtained a transcript of the long-missing 18.5 minutes of a tape-recorded conversation that the late President Richard Nixon had on June 20, 1972. Insiders have long bought into the theory that the mysterious conversation was with Nixon’s chief of staff, key Watergate figure H.R. Haldeman.

But The Daily Snack has learned from high-ranking culinary sources that Nixon’s conversation took place during an Oval Office luncheon with a young and future president, Donald Trump. And the topic was – you guessed it – meat loaf.

This, of course, happened decades before Trump became the nation’s 45th president.

Still a bachelor in 1972, Trump had not yet met his future wife Ivana, much less Marla, a fourth-grader in Georgia, or Melania, a toddler in Slovenia. History and TMZ tell us that the young man with a penchant for tall women, golf, and Lay’s potato chips also enjoyed football. So, in 1983, he bought the world-renowned New Jersey Generals. Well, they would have been world-renowned if the NFL hadn’t lied about the Generals and made people hate the team and its incredibly patriotic offensive line. (Not once did the Generals take a knee. Nor did they ever come onto the field for the national anthem.)

But back to the breaking news. … Our amazing sources tell The Daily Snack that President Nixon had summoned Trump to the White House that day in 1972 to talk about a young, up-and-coming Russian law student named Vladimir Putin. Nixon reportedly had learned about Putin during a top-secret phone conversation with a British intelligence officer named Ian Fleming who had done extensive research on the Soviets. Nixon reportedly had reason to believe Trump had close ties to the Putin family and others in Russia’s communist regime.

Anyway, to make a fantastic story simple, Nixon invited Trump for lunch. Nixon had learned that, like him, Trump loved meat loaf. So, Nixon had the White House kitchen get wife Pat’s recipe and prepare the dish for the two men.

Haldeman, meanwhile, excused himself from the Oval Office and didn’t stay for lunch, but the recorder kept going, taping a most revealing conversation:

Nixon: Donald, I thought you’d enjoy Mrs. Nixon’s meat loaf.

Trump: Fantastic! I love meat loaf very, very much. It’s a fantastic food. My mother makes the most incredible meat loaf. It’s the very best, the very best. It’s like an 11 on a 1-to-10 scale.

Nixon: Well, Pat’s is special.

Trump: Not questioning that. Just saying Mom’s is the best, totally fantastic, like nothing you’ve ever tasted. One taste of Mom’s meat loaf and you’ll never eat Pat’s again. Never.

Nixon: (Unintelligible grumbling followed by three expletives)

(Sounds of dishes clanging, more expletives, door slamming shut)

Nixon: Rose Mary, Rose Mary!

Secretary Rose Mary Wood: Yes, Mr. President.

Nixon: The tape. Make sure none of that is on there. Then, get that guy who’s taking over for Hoover on the phone for me. (Expletive), I miss Hoover.

Nixon: Dig up all the dirt you can get on this Trump kid. Donald J. Trump. Put a tap on his phone line, and get me his mom’s meat loaf recipe.

Gray: Meat loaf, Mr. President?

Nixon: You heard me: meat loaf.

(Phone is slammed onto receiver.)

To learn what the FBI uncovered, check out next week’s edition of The Daily Snack.

And check out today’s Snackin’ & Dinin’ section for the meat loaf recipes of Pat Nixon and Mary MacLeod Trump.

PAT NIXON’S MEAT LOAF RECIPE

1 1/2 lb. lean ground beef 1 tablespoon chopped parsley

3 tablespoons bread crumbs 2 teaspoons salt

2 tablespoons whipping cream 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper

2 tablespoons tomato sauce 1 teaspoon seasoning salt

1 egg

Mix all ingredients well with meat; form loaf. Place loaf in pan, cover top with additional tomato sauce (spread very thin over loaf). Bake for 50 minutes. Set oven at 375 degrees and turn down to 350 degrees after 30 minutes. Serves six.