Bad Girls Club Miami, Episode 1: So Much Hair Pulling, So Little Class

​Just a few months ago, we were bombarded from all sides by the news that the Jersey Shore kids had invaded our city, but many of us dodged them like a scary orange plague. All our careful avoidance was for naught, though, because we are going to be forced to suffer through the guido invasion anyway. It's coming at us every Thursday via MTV and there's absolutely nothing we can do to stop it.

P.S. TV junkies, if you didn't get your full dose of "popping bottles," gratuitous fist pumping, and angry bitches, look no further than Bad Girls Club Miami. It's premium Tuesday night trash.

That's right, just in case you weren't aware: The gloriousness of Bad Girls Club has landed in Miami for its fifth season. And the only logical response to the very first episode is "wow."

Bitches be crazy: Morgan gets a booty call, then starts a brawl on the stairs.

​The show starts with a flash-forward to the epic catfight that goes down in the last act of the episode. Of course, in true crazy girl style, this fight is AWESOME: so much hair pulling, so little class. Otherwise, we get a little inside info on the seven housemates, including two girls we can call our own: Lea and Morgan. Lea is the typical South Beach hipster who's spent too many nights at the bar and not enough days in the classroom. And lets not even mention her two boyfriends, one of whom is married. (Jesus, every show on TV makes all Miami ladies look like evil gold diggers.) Then there's the true gem of the show, Morgan. Her purse is as fake as her hair, and she rolls with guys that keep their sunglasses on all night. Need we say more?

Meet Kristen, naked in the pool and naked in bed with another girl. She's fun.

​Now, unlike other seasons, the girls don't stay friends for long. Within 24 hours, cliques have already crystalized and these alliances will stay strong for as long as they can keep their legs closed, which could be as long as an episode and a half. But the first sign of serious tension takes hold early when Morgan and her fellow "pretty girls" head out to Club BED. (Let us translate: Three girls go out and leave the other four ladies at home. This, shockingly, turns the household into a war zone.) In hot pursuit of revenge, the stripper (AKA Brandi) rounds up her fellow train wrecks and forms a dangerous band of bimbos, packing up Morgan's shit and tossing it all out the door.

When Morgan returns and sees her stuff on the porch, she goes berserk and it's a pretty awesome spectacle. She screams and swears and almost breaks the door down. Then when she finally gets inside the house, Oxygen cuts us off. We really can't wait to tune in next week to see Morgan get all Hialeah chonga on their asses.