Know Thy Enemy: A Guide to the Boston Red Sox

Your mission: gather intel from behind enemy lines and use the information to ensure victory over the Boston Red Sox.

For the first time in a very long time, the Blue Jays will see themselves at the top of the standings board on the Green Monster when they face off tonight against the Boston Red Sox. As Blue Jays fans, it’s crucial for us to know what we’re getting into at Fenway Park. So to prepare for the series at hand, I present you with a love letter to the Toronto Blue Jays fans courtesy of Texy from the Boston Red Sox blog “Out in Center Field”.

So we meet again!

Fortunately for you, the faceoff is taking place at Fenway Park, so you will not have to endure the Sox fanbase in person (which we all know is made up of nothing but Massholes and pink hats). Unfortunately for you, Doc Halladay is not scheduled to pitch – we will take that gift, and in return, we will give you one Brad Penny start. You’re welcome.

Half of the Sox roster (may be a slight exaggeration) is hurt or is Julio Lugo, so please don’t be alarmed when you see dudes like “Jeff Bailey” or “Nick Green” or “Gil Velazquez” show up on your TV screen. They are actual baseball players, we promise. They are in no way secret robot clones we built to look like ballplayers to disguise their real mission of stealing back Kevin Millar. Seriously, give back Kevin Millar.

The Sox starting rotation has had what you might call a “rocky start” so far in 2009. For awhile, the Boston starters collectively had the worst ERA in the American League. Tim Wakefield’s knuckler has done its usual brillant-or-horrifying flutter, Jon Lester’s overuse in 2008 may have affected his control, Josh Beckett has looked mortal, and the freakin’ World Baseball Classic ruined Daisuke Matsuzaka before the season even started. Thanks a bunch, Japan.

The other glaring problem is the lack of hits from the DH – which is troublesome, given that the sole job of the DH is to hit. However, the Boston media and fanbase has been very rational and thoughtful about this development, as usual. There has not been any kind of mass freakout at all. Of course not.

But the Sox also have two things on their side: a so-good-it’s-scary bullpen (Delcarmen, Okajima, Ramirez and Papelbon) and Jason “O Canada” Bay’s bat. OK, three things: we also have Dustin Pedroia’s mouth. 2009 has also been kind to Jason Varitek who has managed to stay several notches above the Mendoza Line and hit several taters as well. Also, Jacoby Ellsbury is very pretty – and his 13-game hitting streak makes him even prettier right now. Dreamboat just looks at a pitched ball, and it wants to drop in for a bloop hit. He’s that pretty. We may not have a shortstop, but we’ve got a Tiger Beat cover boy!

The big event of the week will be when Kevin Youkilis returns from the DL to wreak havoc with his bat and sweat a lot. We’ve missed that warthog.

I would like to make one request from Red Sox Nation: please have the Jays wear those snazzy powder blue unis at least one time. Oh, and give back Kevin Millar.

And just so we make it an even fight, check out my preview of the Toronto Blue Jays over at “Out in Center Field”. Remember that when commenting on Red Sox blogs, you are representing the Blue Jays blogosphere. Unless you do it anonymously, then all bets are off. Good luck, soldiers!

Ian Hunter

Ian has been writing about the Toronto Blue Jays since 2007. He enjoyed the tail-end of the Roy Halladay era and vividly remembers the Alex Rodriguez "mine" incident. He'll also retell the story of Game 5 of the ALDS to his son for the next 20 years.

8 Comments

I know … it makes it harder to dislike the Red Sox, doesn’t it? I’m sure you saw in the comments that they actually have a lot of love for Cito and crew over there. It is our hatred for the Yankees that binds us together.

Alec, it should be a great series. There are a couple of young kids pitching for the Jays in the next 2 games who have really turned heads to far this season.

Sam, I thought that the Blue Jays might actually move Roy Halladay up a day so he could start Thursday’s game. He and Grienke will have to duel it out for who will start the All-Star game, and the Cy Young (hopefully). I wouldn’t be surprised to see Ortiz hit a jack in this series. He’s overdue, and the guys pitching for the Jays are somewhat unproven.

Texy, you have unleashed the hatred in me with that comment of yours. The Boston Red Sox are an inferior team to the Toronto Blue Jays and are nincompoops! How’s that for trash talking? (yes, I said nincompoops … I will return to the 19th century now).

Hey there Toronto fans! I'm another one those pesky Sox fans from Center Field.

Ah, Millar. God love em! He is the only guy who I'd cheer more than a little for when he gets a homer off one of our pitchers. But seriously Millar, don't do it again.

Now Toronto, I have to share something with you about Millar. I know you must have figured out about the funny by now. Millar can keep anyone in stitches. What I want to tell you is that when October comes around and if (and that's a huge IF right now) you happen to find yourself not playing in the postseason…and you find the Red Sox still swinging a bat, please don't be surprised or upset to see Millar pack up his bags and head to Boston to hang with the boys.

Sure Millar likes you, but he knows where his home is and sooner or later, he'll come back to us for good. He just can't quit us.

And…because Wake went all knuckleball crazy on you last night and you weren't able to creep out a win…we in Red Sox Nation feel bad. As a result, we have a gift for you. That gift is Brad Penny on the mound. Your welcome.

Enjoy the game!

P.S. Whichever one of your fans made a sign that said "I <3 BJs!" I love that fan.

Actually, it wouldn’t surprise me if Millar walked over to the Red Sox dugout and started high fiving everybody in the lineup. I heard a rumour that he actually did something like that yesterday before the game. Something about giving Big Papi a pep talk.

Initially, I was a little weary about the Jays signing Millar but so far he has proved to be a great utility player. Luckily the Blue Jays signed him to a minor league contract, so there was no big money involved.