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if everything is an illusion, why the f%^* am so claustrophobic?? no, really! when reality bleeds into dreams and vice versa, when the words and picture and teacups and coffee mugs even, make no sense... when all you see is suffocating white

okay, so lets pick a random date in the past... say 14th April, 2007? where were you? what was "the life plan" ? the heartaches? crushes, maybe? better still did you think, you have it all figured? slotted and slated to be either this or that!

go back to your emails, personal ones ... perhaps! who were you trying to date/impress/malign/bitch? what were you philosophizing about?

a smile, a frown, a nervous embarrassed laughter at your younger self? but were you a better person? approachable? amiable?

so, isnt it true that every single moment a personality dies and a personality gets made? and isn't the feel of continuity to this whole thing called life... just another spin on the illusion?

life like light is a burst of energy photons seemingly moving in waves… the farce of continuity!

when all that matters is that one burst. each burst. each moment!

the afternoon spring sun, plays paint balls of vermillion and red and cobalt... with the inside of your closed eyes. you open your eyes to darkness, to sunspots and blink. blink the reality back in focus. blink! gone again.

just lie still, let my mind slip... slip to, lets say 14th April, 2006. “i was in love and ready to get on the moon-trip of it. what i didn’t know that by 14th April, 2007; moon-trip would have been cancelled with no refunds and i would be in love again and writing again AND, ... and this time, it would feel right. right in the bones. so right, you would be scared even to agree yourself, so no promised moon trips"

by 14th April, 2008... the no promise is a good promise, a non-existent thing cant be bad. just that, it rankles, still.. sometimes!