In this week's compilation of pop culture crap, Steven Tyler judges an American Idol contestant's ass, Julie Chen explains her eyes, and interspecies love between a dog and a baby raccoon.

1.) Julie Chen is not sleeping, she's Asian.

2.) Steven Tyler is still a perv.
This week, he unabashedly stared at Haley Reinhart's ass while she was performing for a good 7 seconds. At least this girl is of age, unlike 16-year-old Lauren Alaina, with whom she was singing.

3.) Real Househusband Simon van Kempen performs his dance song live.
I think he's the only person in the entire franchise—who's released a single—to have a worse voice than Kim Zolciak.

4.) Interspecies love.
This dog was rescued by an animal shelter that thought she had a tumor. It turns out she was pregnant, but one of the two pups was a stillborn. Not long after that, the shelter took in an abandoned baby raccoon and when they couldn't keep up with his feeding needs, they handed him over to the dog, who took him in as her own and began to nurse him, perhaps in place of her puppy that died.

5.) Chelsea Handler does not want babies.
It's kind of par for the course that women "of a certain age" will inevitably get asked about their ticking clock and if they plan to have children. But why do people—like Piers Morgan—find it so hard to believe when they respond that they have no desire to be mothers?

6.) Mother who liked soft-core porno Red Shoe Diaries so much that she watched it several times in front of her children.
Actually, that was the least of her infractions. This woman let her two daughters get molested by her husband (the girls' stepfather) for about 10 years before he was finally locked up. Once he was in prison, she tried to get the girls to call him and apologize for getting him in trouble. She also used to enable his molestation by watching soft-core porno with him in front of the children while giving the girls—who were about 8 and 10 at the time—wine coolers. She laughed about the wine coolers part while on Dr. Phil this week.

7.) Joan Rivers is skeptical about the intentions of Chaz Bono's girlfriend.

8.) South Park spoofs the royal wedding.
Except they made it a Canadian royal wedding, and one of the attendees queefed while walking into the ceremony.

9.) A group of busybody mothers is freaked out by their neighbor's Statue of David.
And they totally intend to go over and ring the neighbor's doorbell and tell him/her all about how peeved they are…as soon as they get the time, maybe later this weekend, when they aren't busy gossiping with each other in the street or speaking to news crews.