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I'm in the process of trying to radically redefine my understanding and approach towards sex. And no, this doesn't mean that I'm reading the Karma Sutra or making names for new positions that no human on this planet could possibly contort themselves into. Trust me, I have a very clear and focused and expanded perception of the ACT of sex. What I'm talking about is how my mind and my heart approach the sexual side of myself and the sexual aspect of people I am attracted to. In my mid-twenties, I chose to be single for four years after a particularly emotionally brutalizing relationship and my mind's approach towards sex was that it was something to "get". That the hunt and pursuit of it was the thrill. The thrill of the chase, of the pursuit. The first couple of years being single were spent learning how to flirt, how to read someone, and how to figure out which approach was going to work to get them into bed. I was always being called a player. Hell, I called myself a player. I didn't want a relationship and when someone I was hooking up with started having stronger feelings for me then I wanted, I would run. I hurt a lot of people. Or if I met someone who was COMPLETELY inaccessible to me and TOTALLY not appropriate or right for me to try to form a relationship with, I would fall madly in love with them. It was as if I had a checklist in my head of all of the qualities that would make someone totally, utterly, and completely the WRONG person for me to be with and if someone hit each point on my checklist, then that was the person I madly wanted to spend the rest of my life with. By putting myself in those situations, I hurt myself a lot too. My last couple of years of being single got pretty fucking boring. I was still meeting amazingly beautiful and intense people, still practicing everything I'd learned, but it had just become boring. The hunt held no thrill. It almost became like a mathematical equation. Walk up to cute guy/girl (one), say this or that (plus one), take them home later that night and sleep with them (equals two). Boring. And I'm not saying that the people I met during that period of my life were boring. Fuck no! I met some amazing people. But the process had lost it's sizzle and snap.
Then I got into a serious relationship. A long term, monogamous relationship for over five years. That was yet another period of radically redefining sex. Not with the act of sex (remember? I'm feeling clear and focused on the sex act), but after years of being single, I had to come to a different understanding of my interactions with people I found attractive because I now had a partner and we chose to not sleep with other people. Plus, I was so in love that I no longer had any interest in doing my one plus one equals two routine. So I spent years learning how to take any sexual energy I felt towards another person other then my partner and to channel it into friendship. I made some intense friendships during that period of time! Up until the point that my relationship began to fall apart, I got really good at setting proper boundaries inside of myself regarding my sexual feelings towards others outside of my relationship.
Now that my relationship has ended, I find myself questioning sex. Questioning what it means to me, questioning my approach towards my own sexuality, wondering about the millions of way that people can make love to each other. That cuddling with someone doesn't mean having to kiss them. That kissing someone doesn't mean having to pursue sex with them. That sex with someone doesn't mean heading into a monogamous relationship. That someone can be a lover in my life without there ever having been any kind of sexual contact. I've never fooled around with my best friend Wendy, but she is my lover. She is my soul partner, my girlfriend, my wife. That a letter filled with words of love and connection can be as intense as the act of making love. That a conversation can be filled with passion and intimacy without any sexual context whatsoever. I want to feel as if each friendship that I hold close in my heart is a relationship that is as equally intense, valuable, and treasured as any boyfriend/girlfriend (or girlfriend/girlfriend or boyfriend/ boyfriend) relationship. That loving someone, falling in love, doesn't always have to involve the act of sex. That someone can be my lover without ever knowing the curves and touch of my body. I am a woman in revolution, struggling to take the lessons from my past and redefine my future. Approaching friendships and connections with other people with a serious intent of making those friendships vital, real, connected, and loving is an act of revolution. Taking the current definition of lover and applying it to a best friend changes the world, brings radical change to the connections that we are all making with each other. I feel this revolution in my heart, and I hope sharing this brings others to thoughts and acts of revolution.
peace/equality,
Adrienne