Step 3: Pick up a copy of How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters, a slim survival guide containing everything you need to know about making it through predatory portmanteaus like the dreaded Dinonami, the wicked Whalestrom, the alarming Arachnoquake… and, of course, the titular fake phenomenon, which is scheduled to hit New York City later this month in Syfy’s upcoming trashterpiece Sharknado 2: The Second One.

As you’ll see from the excerpt below, the tie-in book is every bit as amusing (and straight-faced) as the film franchise that spawned it. Which is just as well; you’d expect nothing less from a volume penned by noted sharknado survivors Fin Shepard and April Wexler,* right? Scroll through for pro tips on what to do (listen to the Red Cross; wield a chainsaw “like a boss”), what not to do (“hotwire a chopper and drop bombs into the sharknado”), and how to handle all those dead cartilaginous fish (grilled shark steaks, anyone?).

*Yes, those are Ian Ziering and Tara Reid’s Sharknado characters; the book was actually written by practiced parodist Andrew Shaffer, author of Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody.

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From How To Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters by Andrew Shaffer. Copyright (c) 2014 by Universal Television Networks. Licensed by Syfy Ventures. Reprinted by permission of Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, a Penguin Random House company.