Partners ex refuses to buy dsd a new bra....

Briefly... Dp's ex recently made a payment of £1000 through CSA for arrears accrued over the last 5 years. His regular payments from CSA have been £50 per month so this was a great unexpected windfall.

Dp went out and bought dsd and dss christmas presents (an x box and a tablet computer thing), took dsd to a martial arts competition (costing approx £100 in total), paid dsd's martial arts training fees for the month (£50) and generally stocked up the cupboards ready for christmas etc etc.

As you can imagine, it has mostly gone now.

Cut to today, dsd is out shopping with her mum. We are being bombarded by dsd and ex-wife by texts demanding that dp pays for a new bra for dsd (15). Dp said no based on the fact that he is off work at the moment and money is tight and also that dsd has at least 3 other bras in the correct size in her drawer which she refuses to wear because they are not padded enough

dp eventually agreed to go halves on the bra but that wasn't good enough and is now getting it in the neck because of the £1000 payout.

AIBU to think that if ex-wife agreed to take dsd shopping, then she should at least go halves on it? Especially since it is an extra, not an essential.

viva she has got 4 fucking bras in the drawer that fit her perfectly, she is making a fuss over getting a new super dooper fancy one. Dp cannot afford it this week but ex-w is throwing it back in dp's face that she paid extra maintanacne and he should cough up.

Of course he will provide underwear and clothing for her. That is not the point, it is an extra which he cannot afford today. Suppose dsd was demanding her dad paid for a cd or make up, an extra, and he said no, would that be wrong too just because her mum finally paid her dues with CSA?

Teenagers can be very difficult, even if they come from a stable, harmonious home.You have teenage attitude combined with a difficult family situation, so yes, she is probably manipulating you. Have you asked yourselves why? And what the next situation will look like?Is she generally an easy-going, non-demanding child, or have you had problems like this in the past and this is just one more incident?

Playing devils advocate here....the ex could well argue that instead of spending the CSA money (albeit paid in arrears) on essentials such as underwear,the childs father decided to be a flash git and spend it on a computer tablet and an X box to sway the kid in his favour.

Set a monthly budget for clothes including essentials,bring the dsd out every 3 months to spend it (alternate with the mother so that each parent brings her twice a year).If she (dsd) doesn't spend it wisely,she will have to make do with whatever she has bought until the next shopping trip 3 months later.

There is nothing weird about going shopping for essentials at the weekend even if you have your children due to contact.

There is something weird if nrp has said " let me take you shopping for xyz" then told child they cannot have xyz unless pwc pays for it.

But if they just happen to be in town for other stuff and its been asked for its a bit different because all the nrp HAS to pay is what the csa tell them to and as shitty as it sounds that's the bottom line.

A bra is an essential item it is down to the pwc to decide if its needed and then pay for it.

And the need may very well be needed even if she has 4 already,I would never wear a lightly padded bra due to nipples poking through I also go through bras quickly I have large boobs.

Your dp has just received £1000 maintenance she should have used it for the basics and when those were sorted then done the luxurys.

Of course it would be nice if the nrp did buy it but if the nrp has always been a twat then its safe to assume they will remain a twat and twatness should be accounted for.

viva she has got 4 fucking bras in the drawer that fit her perfectly, she is making a fuss over getting a new super dooper fancy one. Dp cannot afford it this week but ex-w is throwing it back in dp's face that she paid extra maintanacne and he should cough up.

Of course he will provide underwear and clothing for her. That is not the point, it is an extra which he cannot afford today. Suppose dsd was demanding her dad paid for a cd or make up, an extra, and he said no, would that be wrong too just because her mum finally paid her dues with CSA?

sock I thought op said it was recently the payment was received not this week? Also that her dp was working then but is now off sick? So her dp is ill enough to be on sick leave from work so probably needs to be resting/taking things easy and he's getting grief over a bra?!? TBH ex wife sounds like a shit stirrer and I'm struggling to understand why the OP and her DP are getting such a bad reaction on here?

the 1000 is neither here nor there, it's arrears for the last 5 years. Presumably the DC have had to go without things over that time. Why shouldn't their dad buy them treats with it! the DD has adequate clothing, the new bra isn't a need it's a want, the DF offered to pay half. He shouldn't be expected to do more than that!

Yes the nrp is being twattish that's obvious to anybody reading, but it looks like its been many years of being twattish about money related stuff,

The £1000 is relevant as the pwc should have accounted for this twattery when he was in a position to do so as its a known thing.

But it all does hinge on if the bra is a need or a want.

If the bras fit and they are ones with pockets where the padding sits could you double up on padding until another can be brought.

And yep £1000 is not a huge amount but its pretty much what most users of the csa get over the same time period.

According to gingerbread the majority of pwc who use the csa get either nil or £5 per week that's £260 a year so 5 years of that is £1300. Unfortunately that means there is a huge amount of very twattish nrp's whose twattish ness does need to be accounted for and expected by the pwc's.

This is because the mum has taken her shopping and wants to play the big I AM I bet it's not a £4 primark bra. I wouldn't dream of taking dc shopping and demanding ex paid half - nor would my ex - if we had arranged in advance different.

It isn't about a bra - it's about whether an NRP can take a child shopping and then demand half of the RP wIthout prior discussion - regardless of what the shopping is for

OP in your dp@s shoes i would text back saying " i am out of work siCK right now and Can@t afford to but new Clothes> i will get dp to take dd and get her Measured> if she needs new underwear we will buy it when we Can afford it. IN THE MEANTIme if you wish to buy her new things that is no problem."