What once ensured that I sat at a table next to the teacher is now posted, Monday through Friday.

I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Gambling is Bad for You; or Dolly Gee Squeakers Goes on a Budget

As in every other year, the cat, an animal that often doubles as a speed bump, has bet more than she
can afford on basketball.The reason? Because she believes that she can determine the winners of said basketball based upon their mascots.

This year, she
has decided that teams with four-legged animal mascots will dominate.

Of course, in the event of
one four-legged-mascot team playing another four-legged-mascot team, the winner will be determined
by a reading of the catnip tea leaves.

No, that’s not
true. Reading catnip leaves is silly.Dolly’s not superstitious. Dolly has ascertained the winner of
such games scientifically, i.e., by tossing a cigarette into her mouth: Filter,
it’s one team; cherry, it’s the other.

And now, tonight,
we have the culmination of just such a flip, because two weeks ago, in a
heartfelt and Miller Lite-induced fit of defiance, the cat, unable to decide
between wild cats and her wild-life
favorite, the wolverines, she had
flipped a cigarette.

There are 27
seconds left in the game.The score is
72 Wild Cats, 72 Wolverines.

The living room
is tense. The cats from her scrapbooking club perch on the back of the couch,
straddle the arms of chairs, monorail-style. Their gin and tonics melt slowly; their cigarettes, unlit, are held between nervous, fuzzy toes. They check their brackets; yes, yes, it’s all right there:Wolverines to win.

And in Dolly’s
case, Wolverines to go all the way to the national championship.

Kentucky’s
Harrison sinks a three-pointer.75-72.

Two point five
seconds left.

Michigan takes a
time out.

Kentucky takes a
time out.

"Thith ith it," Dolly mutters. "Thith ith for all the tuna."

And with the ball in the Michigan Wolverines’ hands, Nick
Stauskas’ three-point shot leaves the ends of his fingers, sails through the
air – and comes up just a little short.

The Wolverines are out of the NCAA Basketball Tournament.

And just like that, Dolly Gee Squeaker’s bracket is busted.

The cats on the couch
rise silently, slink down the front steps and into the night.

Dolly does not move, simply closes her eyes.

“Dolly,” I say.

She doesn’t open her eyes, just raises one paw:Silence.

“I just –“

The cat opens her eyes, fixes them, bright blue and
ever-so-slightly crossed, on me.She
squares her shoulders bravely.“I
believe I am going to be quitting thmoking for a while,” she says.She checks her pack:four Virginia Slims.

Like Jenny, I feel a need to listhp. My asth hurts. Did you ever read that book? "Whistling in the Dark"? It has nothing to do with anything except the whole lisp thing plus it is a good book I think you would like if you haven't already read it.