29.7.07

one of those moods where i feel incredibly turbulent and ashamed and afraid and twenty million things all at once. i have not been feeling well lately, and today has honestly not helped one bit.

i have this consistent need to be validated and it's getting annoying. i thought i was fine without other people; i didn't think i was this needy. but i am. i am so much. all of my inadequacies are piling up and i feel terrible lately. i need to have a good long talk with somebody, but i just can't do it. i just can't start that conversation. i'm not ready to tell someone everything i'm feeling - not just yet. i don't know who to trust anymore. i don't know why i don't trust certain people anymore. i am confused. i am lost. my relationships are floundering, but i don't think anyone is really noticing. it's all on my side, they are all my doubts. everyone thinks everything is fine, because on their half of the relationship, it is. because i am not telling them everything. because i can't tell them everything.

i just keep doubting that you love me.which i know i shouldn't do. i know you love me, i do, i do. it's just hard to believe when i find it so hard to love myself.

i wish i did.but it's a very hard thing to build.

i think i may need an unbiased third party to help me dig through everything in my head.but i just couldn't talk freely with someone i didn't know well.and therein lies the problem - once you get to know somebody well enough to tell them your problems, they become one of your problems, and therefore, you cannot tell them everything that's on your mind. it's a vicious cycle.

i know there's something bigger here than anything i've ever dealt with... and i don't think i can do it alone.

27.7.07

24.7.07

it's very difficult to accept that one day, we will not see each other on a weekly basis. we will not talk every day. we will not confide our deepest secrets.

we will find replacements.

nothing stays the same.

i need you.let us find a way to stay.

i find myself so confused about people, all the time. wondering about my relationships. i feel like i am not good enough, sometimes. but there is such strong love from people that i cannot ignore it. as badly as i feel about myself, there is someone that looks me in the eye and reminds me of what i am worth. i am forever grateful for these people. and i am forever sad for the idea of losing them. a few people i can handle, sure. but there is a handful of friends that scare me. they scare me when i think of losing them. i had a traumatic dream the other night in which one of my best friends died. it was the most emotionally intense dream i have ever had. i believed it was true, and it was really, really frightening. and, of course, it was all symbolic - i was afraid i was losing this friend. i was afraid of what was happening in my life, our lives.

i don't want this to happen.i don't want anyone to be dead to me.

but i know i can't keep everyone all together for always. that's okay, i guess.besides, i have had such an intense yearning for new people and new experiences lately that it only seems fair that i do a bit of a trade-off.

i have had an urge to talk to someone - one of those deep, idea-laden, burden-lifting conversations - but i don't know how to do that. i don't really want to call anyone with the "i just need someone to talk to" only to have them discover that nothing new is bothering me, really. that it's just the past, the same old problems i've been working through for years, just with new ideas on top of them. i rarely seem to have new problems. i just dig up new information and renew the old ones.

and again i am faced with the question:am i really a burden when i talk about my problems with someone?because i am that person for people, and i love it.but i recognize that not everyone loves the same thing; others may not love listening.do i tell someone what's on my mind and feel guilt, or forget getting it off my chest and let everything stay the same?

21.7.07

i haven't slept in a long time, except for those off-and-on two hours of confused reality.although i did half-dream the most beautiful thing, and i know i will never be able to recreate that poetry, and it's heartbreaking.

14.7.07

13.7.07

this time, i won't tell you. despite the sand in my hair, and the songs in my ears, and the thoughts in my head. all signs point to yes, but i will say no. i will say no for once, and it will be to myself.

this time, i will do something that is against everything that is bursting out from inside of me. i will deny myself the very comfort of what i want. because that comfort is not always necessary.

i'm still at odds with myself, but i will learn to come to terms with that as time goes on.

3.7.07

it was a good day yesterday.i took a little bike-tour of my town and it was a delightful, sunny, headphone'd, fresh, slightly sunburnt experience.my legs felt a little wobbly after an hour of biking, and, honestly, walking down stairs was a little difficult.and, in all honesty, there were enough bumps and potholes for me to have a bruise on my butt. it hurts.

i think people should bike more.i think that i should bike more.

the proper playlist, the proper weather, the proper route, and it's as if a movie is happening, and the camera is in your head. it is a wonderful thinking spot.

it's also much better for you, for the earth, for everything.let's all bike now!i really sort of want a bike revolution. people were starting it, and maybe i will join.i like the idea.