A Grateful Jeff Jacoby

We are blessed by an amazing community.

I've always liked Rudyard Kipling's 1895 poem "If—" , with its four stanzas of rugged, Victorian-era paternal advice. But it wasn't until this month, when my older son Caleb went missing for 80 hours and my wife and I were frantic with worry and fear, that I gained a real appreciation for the virtue with which Kipling's poem opens: "If you can keep your head when all about you / Are losing theirs…"

Never before has the quality of levelheadedness meant quite so much to me. As my mind lurched among nightmare scenarios and my gut churned with anxiety, it took an effort of will just to process what was happening. I had no idea how to formulate a plan of action going forward. What are you supposed to do when your teenager has been gone for hours – six hours, 12 hours, 24 hours – and hasn't been seen or heard from? When you've called in the police and given them all the information you can think of? When you've checked your child's usual haunts and come up dry? When his friends, realizing that something is wrong, are beginning to sound the alarm on Facebook and Google Chat? And when the temperature outside is in the single digits – and falling?

Left to our own devices, with no relevant training to draw upon, my wife and I would have been overwhelmed by panic and uncertainty. A natural-born crisis manager I am not. Fortunately there were others – steady, sensible, experienced – who were able to think clearly, set emotion aside, and impose some order on the turmoil. There were three or four such people in particular who stepped forward to help without waiting to be asked. They organized themselves into a kind of war room operation and focused relentlessly, but calmly, on the immediate tasks at hand. How I admire their talent for keeping their heads when it was all I could do not to lose mine.

After more than 25 years of working for newspapers, I figured I knew something about stories that grab public attention. But the intensity of interest in my son's disappearance was extraordinary. Of course some of that was due to the public following that comes with a regular byline in the Boston Globe. But I wasn't prepared for the way the news erupted, especially on social media, or how it radiated outward in wider and wider spheres of compassion and concern.

It astonished the police, too. "You have an amazing community here," the detectives working on the case told us more than once. Tips, queries, and offers of help surged into the Brookline police station. Maimonides, the Modern Orthodox Jewish day school where Caleb is an 11th-grader, coordinated a local search effort involving more than 200 volunteers. But offers of aid came pouring in from strangers in other states and countries, many of whom were prepared to drop everything and go anywhere they were needed to search for a teen they didn't know from a city many had never been to.

After 80 hours of anguish and fear, the relief we felt when our son was found was indescribable.

The "amazing community" that so impressed the detectives wasn't just the community of Maimonides school students, administrators, and graduates, who poured heart and soul into finding Caleb. It wasn't just the broader Jewish community, so often riven by factions and disputes, that momentarily set those differences aside out of concern for a missing boy.

It was more – much more, as I came to understand while trying to make sense of tide of kindness, empathy, and worry that helped keep my family afloat during those agonizing days.

Like the interlocking circles of a Venn diagram, our "amazing community" is really many communities with one family common to all of them. We were embraced and helped and prayed for by people who are connected to us through our son's school or our local synagogue – as well as by others with different connections: residents of Brookline, my colleagues at the Boston Globe, companies my wife has worked for, readers (by no means all fans) of my column, fellow media people, our younger child's school, charities we support, causes we've been involved in, people who know Caleb's far-flung aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

And above and beyond them all, the "amazing community" of parents who have been through their own stresses and storms, and who know from experience that no family is immune to them.

During the worst ordeal of our lives, my family experienced the best that human beings are capable of. That was a blessing I'll never forget, or ever cease being grateful for.

Visitor Comments: 32

(20)
joan michel,
January 28, 2014 7:53 PM

After the "Event"

What a beautiful thank you... cool, calm and collected .... from dad Jeffrey to the Jewish community. But how I would love to know about the aftermath ... what happened when Caleb was brought home? In what direction is the family now going? Such a horrible thing Caleb did to his parents (and so soon after a Jew was savagely beaten and dumped into a dumpster) ....what thoughts and fears did his parents have? How does one impress upon a young boy the implications of what he did?

(19)
Renee,
January 26, 2014 1:38 PM

Life in Israel

In Israel out sweet Jewish kids can roam free. By the time they are 18 most kids have travelled much of our beautiful land. It's not unheard of that At 2 years of age kids on my street are outside playing with older siblings and other kids. At 6 or 7 some kids already hitch rides with neighbors to the other side of our Yishuv. ( neighborhood). Israel is a place of FREEDOM for the young as opposed to the USA. I don't blame Caleb for his need to leave. He wouldn't get permission so he did what he needed to do Unaware of and regardless of consequences. I get it

ilana,
January 28, 2014 6:12 PM

Reply to Renee

I am raising 3 boy in Israels and I wish it were a place of "FREEDOM" as you put it. Children have to be watched anywhere. Please don't be naive, protect the most precious things that Hashem gave you.

Anonymous,
January 30, 2014 5:29 AM

No, you don't get it apples and oranges

You said it yourself. Israeli kids have traveled much of the land by 18. While there are many dangers in Israel it (Thank G-d) does not yet have as many of the Western dangers (pedophiles, being lured by the Internet)I'm not saying no danger just not as much danger. American teenagers do not roam the country by themselves. I do not know that Israeli teenagers roam by themselves either. If a kid takes off on a lark they're usually with a friend, are going to meet a friend, have told a friend where they are going. If a child takes off by himself, in the middle of a school day, confides in noone and manages to vanish for two days that is not the same situation. It suggests the child is troubled. For that matter, if an adult did that it would suggest the adult is troubled. I would say generally speaking American teenagers, though impulsive, like any, are aware of the dangers in America (kidnapping, rape etc) and do not just leave home like that. Running away, in general is a dangerous solution to a problem. If children just have wanderlust or want to travel there are ways to accomplish this there are many travel camps etc. Vanishing alone, in the middle of a school day, for two days (must have saved money and planned this to some extent) is a very different story.

(18)
Regina,
January 26, 2014 4:23 AM

The Bigger Picture

To those of you who think you are entitled to "an explanation" and/or "the details" of where Caleb was and why, I say BACK OFF. As a member of the community who searched for Caleb day and night, I am grateful and satisfied knowing that he is alive, well and reunited with his family. My worry, prayers and even the hours I spent/ miles I walked looking for him don't entitle me to an "explanation". What makes you think YOU are ENTITLED - and what nerve to say Caleb's story should be told in detail. Do we now in the Jewish community have a tabloid mentality? Caleb Jacoby and his family are entitled to their PRIVACY - we should continue to daven for them and stop speculating on the details. Those of you who "want answers" could join me and the multitude of people all over the world who prayed for Caleb's safe return and THANK HASHEM FOR ANSWERING OUR PRAYERS. The Achdut and Ahavat Yisroel that was born in the midst of this event is the silver lining here - if only we can continue to build on this going forward. AM YISROEL CHAI V'HAZAK - B'ECHAD.

(17)
Cécile,
January 26, 2014 2:49 AM

Response to Anonymous 8 and 9

Your comments are so inappropriate, I wasn't sure that they warranted my effort to respond. But I felt compelled to say something.
To the one who thinks s/he deserves some explanation--on what grounds exactly do you justify such a view? In what way is it *any* of your business?
To the one who is purporting that there was an abuse of a community's concern--wow--I am both shocked and disheartened by such a grossly inappropriate position. May you never experience a situation where you need a community's help and support. You are the worst of what society can be, while the mobilization around Caleb's disappearance, *regardless of the reason*, was the best that society can be.

# 9,
January 26, 2014 2:30 PM

Response to Cecile

It's unfortunate, Cecile, that you had to resort to name calling. It cheapened your comments, which were otherwise cogent and well taken. And if you knew the rolls I've played in my community and the charitable work I've done in my life I think you'd be ashamed to have called me the worst society can be but that is. To clarify, I think our community did exactly what the community should have done. I wouldn't want to be a part of a community that didn't respond the way ours did. But feeling that way and thinking that an apology is in order are not mutually exclusive. An example by way of explanation. Alcoholics Anonymous is firmly in the camp that alcoholism is a disease and that those who suffer from it should be embraced and helped to every extent possible instead of spurned and stigmatized, as is all too often the case. And yet, part of AA'a twelve step process is making amends to those you've hurt. Do you know of any other illness where the afflicted person has to make such amends? I don't. So why with alcoholism? Because even though alcoholism is a disease and those who suffer from it need love and understanding and help, AA understands that, to an extent, the harm caused by the alcoholic was willfully inflicted and that needs to be atoned for (does that make AA the worst of what society can be, I wonder?). I don't want an explanation as to why Caleb Jacoby did what he did or what drove him to do it or what is happening in the aftermath, non am I entitled to one. And if he, god forbid, does this again we'll all look for him and worry and pray and rally around his family again, as we should, as we always should for anybody who needs help. All I'm saying is that people took time from work, and took time from school and lost sleep because of a choice Caleb Jacoby made and while we would all do it again without thinking twice I think a simple one line "thanks for your love an support and I'm really sorry for what I put you through" is appropriate.

(16)
Anonymous,
January 26, 2014 12:36 AM

No apology needed

In response to #9, no apology is needed nor an explanation. His explanation is private. As a South Shore (MA) resident whose family helped, I would do it all over again.; we even knew there was a possibilty 'he did it 'on pupose'.

(15)
Marta Elisha Ortega,
January 25, 2014 4:41 AM

I´m glad you are at home. GOD is great and loves the good peopleCongratulations to the Jewish community and once again my admiration for you unit

(14)
Ellen Lebowicz,
January 24, 2014 6:34 PM

the spirit of the Jacoby family

I grew up across the street from the Jacoby family in Cleveland Ohio and was a frequent babysitter for the very spirited Jacoby crew. I remember his mother as a very cheerful, gutsy, outspoken lady, never afraid to hold her own in an Orthodox community where thinking outside of the box is not always the safest path to follow. His father, on the other hand, was quiet and steady, and apparently quite a role model for Jeff. His siblings were a handful for one teenage babysitter, but all had the spirit exhibited in the writings of Jeff Jacoby. I remember one hot August night, sitting on the front steps with my mother and my sister, sometime after 10:00 pm, and suddenly observing baby brother Mitchell, all of 18 months old, returning alone from an apparent shpatzir around the block. Though I suspect Caleb's "shpatzir" involved more than a little bit of wanderlust, I wonder if that wasn't a small factor in Caleb's trip to find something he needed, whether emotionally, spiritually, or all the above. Certainly his cry for help will be attended to, and thank G-d he is young and will be open to what will be offered him. Jeff, I'm sorry you and your family had to suffer as they did, but thank G-d he's home.

(13)
Anonymous,
January 24, 2014 2:51 AM

The preschool community

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Jacoby,I am a preschool Morah, and when my friend e-mailed me the news, I took action as only a preschool teacher can. And we prayed for your son, I and my 19 cute and energetic and unbelievingly feeling 5 year old boys! You son became a part of our consciousness and we were so happy and grateful to hear his return home. We are so fortunate to be a part of this special community.

(12)
Anonymous,
January 24, 2014 2:47 AM

grateful

Grateful and proud the Jewish community there pulled together. 'brings a smile.

(11)
Toby Katz,
January 24, 2014 2:17 AM

B'H your son was found

I am one of many, many people who davened and worried for your son even though I don't know you or him. I am so glad and grateful that he was found safe and I wish you and your family all the best.

(10)
Chana,
January 23, 2014 11:40 PM

I too prayed

I was distraught when I heard about the missing boy, and rejoiced at the good news. BH, Hashem answered ou prayers.

(9)
Anonymous,
January 23, 2014 11:21 PM

I too thank God that Caleb Jacoby is safely back at home. As a parent with roots in the Maimonides community I prayed along with everybody else for a happy resolution to this story. Now that he is back safe with his parents (again, thank God) and his family and community can breathe a sigh of relief I keep coming back to the fact that Caleb ran away. He disappeared on purpose. And to the extent that is true then the uncomfortable truth is that the time, emotions and resources of the community that Jeff Jacoby is expressing his gratitude toward was abused. I have always been amazed and moved by the speed and dedication with which we rally around each other in difficult times. That generosity of spirit is one of the great attributes of the Jewish community. But that generosity of spirit can be taken advantage of and, in this instance, I think it was. All of us should be eternally grateful that Caleb, by all accounts, was never in any danger while he was missing. However, for three days he allowed his family, friends an community to assume the worst and spend a lot of time and emotion worrying about and looking for him. I think he owes his community an apology for that. I don't know why Caleb ran away and if what he did points to an inner turmoil I certainly hope he gets the help he needs. I just hope that an apology to his community is part of that process.

Ilana Leeds,
January 25, 2014 2:30 PM

I think you are being very harsh

B'HBeing a teenager today is difficult. I may never know the reasons Caleb ran away, but the fact that he is back with his family is enough. Yes, he may have gone through a rough patch and dealt with it badly.I think he knows what he did was wrong and is probably humiliated by the publicity and regrets his hasty action. We should always judge people for the better than the worse.

Anonymous,
January 30, 2014 5:32 AM

No apology needed or helpful

For this child to do what he did, it seems he is troubled. He is not in a place where he can think of the effect this had on others and may not be in such an emotional place for many years. Forcing an apology now would only worsen whatever drove him to take off in the middle of a school day. Right now..I hope he gets the help he needs. This was not a lark or a joke.

(8)
Anonymous,
January 23, 2014 9:47 PM

why the blackout on info re where he was all that tie & why?

when this was made so public & so many were searching & praying for his safe return, once he was found there was not a peep as to the reason for his disappearance or news on where he was or followup to his having been located. i think some info to the public who have been anxiously worrying about him & praying for them all are owed some basic information, as this became so public a story. of course the relief & thanks to G-d from all of us are strong, regardless of what went down in this case. but it leaves huge question marks & I feel we deserve some minimal at least explanation. thank you.

(7)
yedhuit,
January 23, 2014 6:30 PM

Missing Information.....

This is a very beautiful article, yet something is clearly missing. What actually happenned? What was the explanation for his disappearance? I realise that it wasn't the focus of this piece, though a simple mention of respect for family privacy would be highly advisable. Simply ignoring the obvious makes it all the more obvious..... Baruch Hashem all turned out well.

(6)
suri,
January 23, 2014 6:02 PM

re caleb jacoby

Dear Mr. Mrs. Jacoby,

With G-d help your son was found. I also had your sons in my prayers. Everyone of our Jewish is precious,no matter what segment of our community. I am a daughter of Holocust survivor, I was raised that too many of our children where taken away. May G-d bless you and your whole family. May G-d bless you and your family. and may Caleb give you much nachas.

(5)
carol Hull Holden,
January 23, 2014 5:40 PM

God Bless you and your family.

I am not Jewish and I live in the UK. When I read that your son had gone missing, I was so afraid for him. To see several hours later that he was found, I was so happy and relieved for all your family. God was watching over him I feel sure. I love Israel and I one day hope to visit there and see for myself the land that Hashem promised to his Chosen People. God Bless you and your family and Israel now and always. Shalom.

(4)
Anonymous,
January 23, 2014 5:07 PM

...so...

I prayed for your son, but now I want some answers. I think there is a story here worth telling. Other children may benefit from it.

StanleyT,
January 23, 2014 6:55 PM

Give them their privacy

Dear Anonymous,While I commend you for your prayers, I don't believe they entitle you to any answers at all. In fact, I believe the Jacoby family is entitled to all the privacy they need and want as they deal with this situation. That's an even great test of your humanity ... can you suppress your curiosity and show that you really, really care by granting them peace?

Anonymous,
January 24, 2014 9:45 PM

Stanley

You need to get a grip on it; like I wrote, there is a story here that others-meaning kids, may benefit from. As an adult, it isn't a matter of curiosity, it is a matter of the obvious.

Anonymous,
January 23, 2014 7:10 PM

I agree with you

I understand that the family does not want to make this boys trouble public. However, I think it may help to know what happened. Teenagers are known to be impulsive but it takes a lot for a boy to decide to run away. That he did it alone makes it seem even more of an act of desperation. It seems it might be of some help to others and possibly to this boy if he consents, to talk about what has happened instead of hiding it. He is going to have to go back to school and face his classmates anyway.

Bugfinder,
January 24, 2014 3:51 PM

Entitled to know - seriously?

You prayed for Jacoby's son and that entitles you to answers to your questions. We Jews pray for others in need because that is what we do. That is how we respond and how we beseech God to help our brethren. We do this with a full heart. Like giving charity, we are not entitled to payback. So you are not entitled to know anything about why Caleb left, or any other personal circumstance about the family because you prayed. It does not take much imagination to think about the possibilities as to the reasons Caleb might have run away. You can also imagine that whatever drove him to do so is being addressed by the family. Finally, I am sure you have a life with concerns of your own that need to be addressed. The Jacoby family does not owe you an explanation. Remain content that this had a happy outcome and move on with YOUR life.

(3)
Yael Mermelstein,
January 23, 2014 4:57 PM

Here in Beitar Illit, Israel

We in Beitar Illit Israel davened for your son- when we found out he was safe, moments before Shabboss, my husband and I each had neighbors we knew we had to call or else they would be going into Shabboss with no peace. So happy he is safe and you are reunited.

(2)
Anonymous,
January 23, 2014 3:42 PM

If only this kindness was extended to all in need in the comunity

B'H' that Caleb was found and through the efforts of so many. B'H' that he was safe. But, and yes, there is a "but" it also saddens me when efforts are poured out to help folks who have so much financially; and I am not diminishing the anxiety the Jacoby family must have gone through until their son was found. What troubles me? Is that I know of a mother whose son went missing who was not financially well off; a mother who had escaped a DV (domestic violence setting); a mother who did miraculously at raising her children despite the odds, but when her son went missing -- there was no community available for emotional support, for legal support nor for financial support in helping her recover and get back on her feet from the crimes and wrong committed against her. No body was there for her or is there for her now. She is alone in her grief and confusion. She has no community who comforted her; nor does she have a community that might have celebrated had events gone differently for her. So while B'H' Jacoby family and celebrate and Maimondes and Brookline members can pat themselves on the back; it is unfortunate to realize that these efforts are not extended to all in need.

JB Destiny,
January 23, 2014 6:26 PM

Anonymous #2

Money has nothing to do with finding missing children. The Jacobys were not shy in publicizing every detail and working every source that might get their child back and did not hesitate to put their name on the line, regardless of how people might speculate on them. (Why should this child who has everything run away? What's been happening in that family? What kind of parents must they be? etc.)

The same outpouring of support happened for little Leiby Kletzky, z'l, when he went missing. No one had ever heard of this family, but people the world over extended their physical, financial and emotional support. And how many hearts broke this week with the announcement that Avonte Oquendo's remains had been found by the East River in Queens, NY? I know mine did. His is another family (not Jewish) that received incredible support by not hiding details that might help find their child.

Help is there, but the secrecy with which you are asking for it is at least partly why this poor woman you know is not getting it. Please don't hesitate to get help for your friend. But you need to give people something to go on, not guilt-inducing generalities.

mitchell,
January 23, 2014 7:42 PM

we would help woman you speak of if you explain

you do not mention any community for this person who may need help, or any circimstances and explanations. If you do, maybe people would be willing to help such as us...?????why do you remain anonymous?

Anonymous,
January 23, 2014 10:04 PM

not fair to say we cared because of who he was

Its not fair or correct to say people only cared because of who he was.The great majority of the jews who cared never heard of his father.This isn't the first case of such outpouring of help from the Jewish community.I feel terrible about your friend ".But"Did she try to reach out to the community for help and wasn"t? Or did she not know where to start and therefor got no help .Which is how it sounds from your little reference.Please don't try to detract from a great thing by bringing a not fair comparison .Instead try to help by bringing her in contact with a community that would be happy to accept her with open arms and heart.

(1)
Anonymous,
January 23, 2014 10:10 AM

Thank G-d he's found!

No, I've never met you or your son but from when I heard the story I was praying. As each new day passed by, I got a lurching feeling in my stomach. I was shocked and delighted when he was found safe. Hashem is so good!!!!! Thank you Hashem!

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

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