The Crazy Making Ex: Sharing In-Laws With an Outlaw

My first real exposure to my in-laws came when they flew to Germany to visit. It was to be a short, two week visit but turned into the month of emotional upheavals and passive aggressive venom. The kind of venom that covertly determines the way problems are dealt with and conflict is resolved. If you are familiar with covert, passive aggressive behavior then you know that the only one comfortable will be the passive aggressive himself (that old crazy maker!)

I could write 5 different posts focusing on that visit from the in-laws. For the sake of sanity and words I’ll focus on one thing at a time….hopefully.

Before we moved to Germany we decided to purchase a Volvo while there. My ex viewed himself a YUPPY, you know, I kid, one cute wife, one Volvo. Image is everything to him…I’m assuming it still is because let’s face it, a tiger DOES NOT change his spots.

Anyway, plans were in place for both our parents to come over to visit, at different times of course. My parents were schedule first. I was thinking we needed to go ahead and purchase the Volvo since the heap I was driving was none to dependable and sat two people.

The crazy maker had a different idea though. We would borrow a car from a friend to take while touring Europe with my parents. And that is what he did, we borrowed a 10 year old station wagon with no air conditioner and tooled around from country to country the week my parents were over.

You take 4 adults, one small child and all the necessary baggage (stuff) and throw it into and on top of an old station wagon and soon you look like something straight out of The Grapes of Wrath. My parents said nothing; they put smiles on their faces and went along for the ride. I’m sure by the time they were on the flight home there were wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into.

Within a few months it was time for the in-laws to visit. And time to get that new Volvo. Yep, after months of coming up with one reason or another to “wait” he was suddenly in passionate need of a new car. Needless to say, touring Europe with the in-laws we were in comfort and looking a bit “high brow!”

During our separation and after the divorce I become conscious of the fact that I did a lot of “waiting” while married to the crazy maker. I learned the fine art of patience! It could be anything from a new bra to having a plumber come in and fix a leak, if he thought I wanted or needed something he would string me along.

It’s awfully hard, when you are married, to step back and see your husband for whom he is. What’s more, it’s scary. What is even scarier is to step back and take a look at who you become in a marriage, especially one that is emotionally abusive. I can do that now, take a step back and see him and myself clearly. He was a tight wad, I was a fool!

Back to the in-laws, no more rambling off topic…I’ll try my best anyway. There we were, seeing all that Europe had to offer from the comfort of our new auto, tooling about France when my father-in-law complained to the crazy maker about pain.

Instead of stopping at a local hospital the father-in-law insisted we return home where he and the crazy maker would then travel nearly an hour to the local American military hospital. Off we sped to meet the father-in-laws needs to eventually find out that there was a fairly serious medical issue that would only be solved by surgery and an extensive recovery period. Can you see what is coming next?

The surgery took place, the father-in-law came home to recuperate and the mother-in-law decided she would tour Germany on her own during the day and the crazy maker decided he would start working 12 hours a day. Who did that leave to care for an ill, elderly man I barely new? Little Ole Me!

I kid you not. The crazy maker and his mother left the house every morning together. He dropped her at the local train station while he scooted on off to work. They both returned 12 to 13 hours later.

What did they find upon their return home each day? Me, my eyes glazed over, my emotional intelligence declining daily and a smile plastered on my face. Dinner was on the table; my patient was well cared for. I was living in the midst of a freak show and I was the damned doormat!

This went on for a little over 3 weeks. Then I decided to put my foot down and show him. I did it covertly too, I had learned how to do that from the master. I went to bed early one night, packed an overnight back and went out through the back door to the home of the only other Americans in the village and spent the night. Yes sir, I was going to show him a thing or two.

I left him to deal with the mess. Of course, I was thinking when he went to bed he would find me missing and send out a search party. I mean, I was needed, who would take care of the elderly patient if I weren’t there? Plus the crazy maker loved me, he told me every day so it only made sense that someone who loved me would be concerned for me. As you can tell I still had rather high and irrational expectations of him. That is the thing that does the most harm to us married to such me…those darned high expectations.

I was making a stand, was going to get his attention and he would realize how important I was. Hmmmpf!

Bwah ha ha ha ha! When I bedded down at our friends house I didn’t expect to be there long. He was going to come looking, knocking on doors, searching allies until he found me, the woman he love! Imagine my surprise when I woke to see day light streaming in the bedroom window. He had not come looking for me, had not called to inquire if I were there. I got no response from him at all! Something I learned would be his typical reaction to any concerns I had.

When I walked into the bedroom where he was enjoying his sweet slumber the next morning I woke him up and he said, “what are you doing up so early?” He had not even realized I was gone. How do you crawl into bed with your wife and not notice that said wife is not in the bed you just crawled into? More importantly how does a woman fail to see the insanity, continue to turn a blind eye to reality and continue to believe it will all work out?

Those are all questions I discovered answers to but not before my sanity and health took a beating. Somehow I kept on tick, tick, ticking along. Running down and winding myself back up again!

I’m happy to report that the elderly patient recovered fully. I had a meltdown, threw a plate across the room once the in-laws were gone and was from that day forward branded the “abusive wife” by the crazy maker. When you take into consideration I threw the plate at least 15 feet away from where he was standing

Kinda like him calling the kettle black don’t you think?

Disclaimer: During the marriage and after the divorce I came to realize that my in-laws were fine folks. I can’t leave this post without first saying that I grew to love them. My mother-in-law is a gracious, intelligent woman who, although different from me is a pleasure to be around and I miss not having her in my life. My father-in-law was always very respectful, easy going and he called me “Catherine.” For that alone I found it easy to share my love with him.

Comments

Cathy, you know what I remember about your ex? The way you did exactly what he wanted you to do. I used to ask you to go shopping, you would never go. Us girls would get together for the day and have a blast but you were sitting at home with him and that is what he WANTED to do. Sit on his ass and do nothing. I used to wonder how you kept from going crazy.

I nearly died when he told everyone you had “driven him into debt” after he left home. Hilarious! Everyone who knew you two new that was a lie.

Do you remember the time we all went dancing and he wouldn’t dance with you? You cracked me up that night when you told him to hold your drink and took off asking guys to dance. There we were out on the dance floor having fun and he sat there drinking his beer.

He was a pisser Cathy. I didn’t like him then and like him even less now. Good for you for finally telling YOUR SIDE of his tragic story. Girl you were always too good for his sorry ass.

Hey Joan! I didn’t go shopping because I never had money. The rule was, if I went shopping and found something I wanted to purchase I was to call him and discuss it with him first.

I went shopping with my mother once. I couldn’t get in touch with him to ask him about a pair of shoes. My mother told me to go ahead and buy them. I wrote the check and when we got in the car she looked at me and said, “I’m so damned tired of watching her hand shake when you write a check.”

He had me convinced though that he bought me everything I wanted. I think if he had told me the sky was purple I would have believed it. He was the good guy, I was the bad guy and that is the dynamic that played out until the day he left.

By the way, I thought everybody LOVED him. I’m surprised to hear you thought him a pisser. Not that I have a problem with it just had no idea.

I’m living this life now! My husband is so P/A, he is a text book example.

The thing that gets me most about him is his lack of anger. Heck, it isn’t only a lack of anger it is a lack of feelings. He says he loves me but acts like I’m a casual acquaintance.

No, I take that back. I think he would show more concern for a casual stranger.

I walk for exercise, normally in the mornings. One morning I had an early meeting at work so I had to get my walk in that night. I take a 30 minute walk. You can time me, it is 30 minutes from the time I walk out the door to the time I walk back in.

That night I fell when I stepped in a hole. I couldn’t walk so I pulled my cell phone out of my shorts and dialed home for him to come pick me up. It took me 45 minutes to get him on the phone.

He was talking to a friend and ignoring my calls! He told me he thought I just wanted to “chat” and he figured we could talk when I came in from my walk.

It was 10 pm, I was out walking in the dark and he thought I wanted to chat? I bet my life he KNEW I was in some kind of trouble needed his help and he CHOSE to ignore my phone calls.

I’m so done with him. I’ve been saving money in an account in my name alone. I have an appointment with a lawyer and I’m getting out. He wants to start a family…I don’t think so!

I have lived that life too. It amazes me when I look back, the things I put up with. Your story about leaving and him not noticing you weren’t in bed? That could have happened in our marriage. Everything was about him. It’s so hard to see when you are in the middle of it. In the end of our marriage I was a wreck..even my physical health was suffering, but what was worse was that I felt so guilty about having to leave. We were married almost 30 years.

My ex is a PA and this sounds exactly like my life! I didn’t have money even when I was working, he’d find some way to take it. Sometimes I would get all dressed up and look nice and wait for a nice compliment from him and I wouldn’t get it, I always thought there was something wrong with me. I had never been so depressed in my life. When I asked for a divorce he had all his family and friends convinced that I was the horrible wife that didn’t appreciate anything.

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