Congressional Drug Testing

2005-10-11

Category:politics

Many politicians will tell you just how terrible a problem we face with rampant drug use. They will tell you that drugs cause great harm to individuals and to society. They will tell you that on the job drug tests are important and justifiably legal. At least until you talk about their jobs.

Can you think of a job where drug testing would be more important than in the legislative body that makes important decisions about the lives of hundreds of millions of Americans, not to mention all the billions of others in the rest of the world? This in itself would be justification for congressional drug testing.

Of course, showing themselves being at peace with the idea of drug testing gives them more standing when they want to be indignant about others. When legislators stand angrily, shouting at the baseball industry about mandatory drug testing, would it not sound better if the legislator had been tested him or her self? I know I would give them a little (very little) more respect.

So, here?s my plan. All members of Congress and their staff members must take a regular, bi-annual drug test. They are also subject to random drug testing at other times. The randomness will be determined by a computer that gives equal weight to all participants (no special privileges). Failure to pass the drug test results in imprisonment to last no less than two years.

?But won?t some people try to subvert the tests to gain political advantage?? you might ask.

Sure, some people would. They better not get caught though. Trying to subvert the test is the same as trying to subvert the United States government. Guess what, that?s treason. The penalty for this sort of treason involves a needle in the arm. (I prefer other forms of penalty for treason, but I?m told I?m not nice. I like the idea of strapping the villain into a hands and knees position before spaying the sent of a sow in heat on the villain?s backside. This is followed be the release of the large and amorous boar into the same room.)

I believe this combination of activities will assure a moral and reliable legislative body.