ACOA Issue: I’m An Adult But Why Do I Feel Like A Kid?

On June 4th I celebrated my birthday. As someone who’s admittedly insecure about her age, I’m not going to share how old I am. But, I will tell you that I’m in my 30’s.

Okay… maybe my late 30’s;)

Anyway, my husband and I spent the weekend in Munich and I treated myself to a box of the most adorable cat faced cupcakes.

My birthday got me thinking about my biological age versus the age that I sometimes feel I am.

One minute, I’m a 30 something year old woman and then the next minute, emotionally, I feel like I’m 8, 15 or even 5 years old.

The switch can happen at any time. And when it happens I feel out of control, overwhelmed, vulnerable and confused.

How can I feel like an adult one minute but then the next I’m practically folding in on myself like a dopey 5 year old?

What the hell is wrong with me??

Well, if you can relate, the good news is, there’s nothing wrong with us. If you’re an Adult Child Of An Alcoholic the feeling is not only normal but it’s ridiculously common.

Today, I’m sharing what I’ve learned and continue to learn about this quirky age issue thing. First, thorough the lens of my experience, I’m going to explain why this develops. And then I’m offering up 3 suggestions on how to deal with these emotional twists.

After you’ve read through, I have a favor to ask. In the comment section, tell me how you relate to today’s topic. Are there specific situations or are there certain people in your life that trigger that awkward age flip? Who or what makes you suddenly feel like an overwhelmed, abandoned or confused 8 or 10 year old?

Your voice, experiences and insights are vital to this community. And what you have to share is not only unique but it may be exactly what someone else needs to read. And that someone could be you.

As always thanks for reading, sharing and commenting.

You make Tuesday my favorite day of the week!

xx-dawn

***

Here’s The Why

With both of my parents constantly drunk and beating on each other there was absolutely no room left over for a normal childhood.

And while I may have matured physically over time, my emotional and mental growth was stunted by the chaos at home.

Home wasn’t a safe place to explore the basics of life. It wasn’t safe to feel or trust. It wasn’t safe to invite friends over to watch a movie and it most certainly wasn’t safe for me to just be a kid.

Survival became an unconscious and necessary priority.

As a result, I became an adult who knew how to be an adult. I knew how to make it look good and polished on the outside. But on the inside, I was still this frightened 5 year old emptying my mom’s beer cans in the sink when she wasn’t looking and filling them back up with water.

I could get up in the morning and slap on a suit and feel like an adult. But as soon as someone criticized a report I handed in or a friend expressed disappointment in my direction, I’d crumble and cower like a kid.

For years, I struggled to understand why. When I couldn’t find answers I just assumed there was something horribly wrong with me.

But there never was anything wrong with me. Thanks to a chaotic childhood, I just had an extremely underdeveloped emotional inner world.

Being an adult was the easy part because I’d been playing that role my whole life. The hard part was the emotional stuff and mentally moving on from the twisted world of my childhood.

But moving on is possible. And here are 3 ways you can get started.

***

#1 Repeat This Mantra

Stop whatever you’re doing right now and repeat after me,

“Within the context of my life, I make complete and total sense.”

Repeat it in the shower, in the car and definitely bust it out whenever you start to feel like you’re crazy or there’s something wrong with you. Because I’m telling you right now, there’s nothing wrong with you.

You may have quirks. You may, like Superman, instantly transform from an adult into an emotionally fragile 12 year old but you are not wrong for it.

What you are is an Adult Child Of An Alcoholic. You’re the product of an environment that made normal an anomaly.

Are you broken in some places? Maybe. Do you have some serious work to do if you want to turn your life around? Absolutely.

But there has never been anything horribly wrong with you. Within the context of your life you, my friend, make complete and total sense.

#2 Make It Conscious

I totally agree with Carl Jung when he says,

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will control your life and you will call it fate.”

For ACOAs, I believe that the things we keep unconscious or don’t understand about ourselves are the things we make wrong about ourselves.

So, not understanding your childhood and not making the connections between you, your past and your life today, can keep you stuck and confused.

That’s why I want to encourage you to dig deep and think about the places in your life where you retreat to childhood emotionally.

Take Carl Jung’s advice and make the unconscious conscious. Ask yourself questions. Get curious about who knocks you off your game. Where, when and with who do you feel triggered? Ask yourself, either out loud in or in the privacy of your own head, “Why the hell did I just do that?”

Comments

This had me in tears and I know the place I’m in now, I’m supposed to be! I have said and done all of these things because i am curious, I have mended and fixed everything else tried to learn as much about alcoholics as I could to help teach me and my siblings how to avoid “making mama worse”. Never in a million years did I think her drinking effected me emotionally Bc I held a neutral stance between her my absent dad and the things she did, I did the opposite! I ran across a post about ACOA and I have told all 9 of my siblings about it and I am actively allowing this process to take its course so I can be whole, o do believe this is the last thing I need to do in order to close the doors of the past! I agree with all above and have actively been doing them except #2 I’ll start doing it though! I kept saying, “I know I’m not crazy, and I make rational decisions that I stand by and even when I cannot always explain, once I am able to I will do so! I have been trying to take control of my emotions Bc avoiding them won’t help, that literally blew up Bc it was too fool, I’m not crazy so I’m trying new things! I’ll be following you as well as a few other researchers! Thank you for sharing, for writing and please know I have always and will continue to share all knowledge and awareness to help the many families depending on this answer! My oldest brother became an alcoholic and he came back to live in the city with us this week! He has a new purpose, and he reads and is intelligent as well! Not sure how it will help with the sheltering part but we will do our best! Being sheltered by a drunk and still being raped, abused and tormented by the very people she felt she protected us from! This makes me want to write more, I appreciate sharing this Bc I’m hopeful! As I read these words shed a few tears, tears that wouldn’t formulate even in my thoughts at one point in my life! What an amazing journey this has been! Painful, lonely, but prosperous for me! Thank you for all those who share as well! It truly does help to know someone else is either going through or come out of where you are and is a reminder, we are NOT alone! So thank you for YOUR thoughts also!

This had me in tears and I know the place I’m in now, I’m supposed to be! I have said and done all of these things because i am curious, I have mended and fixed everything else tried to learn as much about alcoholics as I could to help teach me and my siblings how to avoid “making mama worse”. Never in a million years did I think her drinking effected me emotionally Bc I held a neutral stance between her my absent dad and the things she did, I did the opposite! I ran across a post about ACOA and I have told all 9 of my siblings about it and I am actively allowing this process to take its course so I can be whole, o do believe this is the last thing I need to do in order to close the doors of the past! I agree with all above and have actively been doing them except #2 I’ll start doing it though! I kept saying, “I know I’m not crazy, and I make rational decisions that I stand by and even when I cannot always explain, once I am able to I will do so! I have been trying to take control of my emotions Bc avoiding them won’t help, that literally blew up Bc it was too fool, I’m not crazy so I’m trying new things! I’ll be following you as well as a few other researchers! Thank you for sharing, for writing and please know I have always and will continue to share all knowledge and awareness to help the many families depending on this answer! My oldest brother became an alcoholic and he came back to live in the city with us this week! He has a new purpose, and he reads and is intelligent as well! Not sure how it will help with the sheltering part but we will do our best! Being sheltered by a drunk and still being raped, abused and tormented by the very people she felt she protected us from! This makes me want to write more, I appreciate sharing this Bc I’m hopeful! As I read these words shed a few tears, tears that wouldn’t formulate even in my thoughts at one point in my life! What an amazing journey this has been! Painful, lonely, but prosperous for me! Thank you for all those who share as well! It truly does help to know someone else is either going through or come out of where you are and is a reminder, we are NOT alone! So thank you for YOUR thoughts also!

I am 56 years old and I know exactly what you mean – you are very wise to have pinpointed the problem at your age. I didn’t get to the bottom of it until I was sitting at my parents bedside as they were leaving this earth. I think the best thing I ever did was to forgive myself – not my adult self – but my child self. While preparing for their funeral I was looking back through a lot of old pictures. I saw my 5 year old self, so awkward and cute, and it made me angry. I realized that i was angry because no one had really loved that little girl or cared for her or kept her safe. And suddenly all I wanted to do was hold her in my arms and tell her that it would be alright. She’d grow up and it would be okay. And somehow, for some reason I had to forgive that little girl, who was so innocent and longed for someone to love and accept her. She didn’t do anything to be forgiven for. But I needed to – So I did. I forgave her, and I loved her. And I accepted her and honestly for a little kid she was AMAZING. She made it through all the chaos. She turned into a loving, empathetic, caring person. And it slowly brought me great joy. And so are and were you.

Cindy -I know exactly what you talk about when you look at old pictures of yourself as a kid. You see the fear and the pain and you just want to grab that little person and tell her everything is going to be alright. Thank you so much for sharing! We are part of a community that has more in common than we realize. No matter what age we are or where we come from. All the best to you Cindy – xx

I too can relate! I grew up in a very dysfunctional environment! I was that child that filled up pans of water so my parents didn’t burn the house down while they smoked falling asleep! I am familiar with the feelings that your talking about! And today I have the beautiful understanding that I just didn’t get the coping skills I needed growing up! Until you don’t have them you truly don’t realize how important they are! We weren’t taught the tools we needed to function with our feelings and emotions properly! I didn’t know how to coop with certain feelings so for better part of my life I spent my time with 2 emotions, happy and mad! There was no in-between. Today however I have embraced a journey of a lifetime! Not only did I grow up in a crazy household I too picked up some bad habits! I become addicted to being high, before I knew it I was physically caught up in addiction as well! It was literally like I lived in hell! Today I have 4 years and 5 months clean! I work a spiritual program that teaches me how to cope with myself and my feelings/emotions and also those around me and what happens to me! I’m very proud of how far I have come! I have broken the cycle I lived in as a child with my family! I teach my children what I lacked growing up! But I couldn’t agree more and relate to the post and how things are growing up the way we have! I know this is going to sound crazy but I’m totally grateful for my experiences today! I have learned so much and seen so much that I know what I want and don’t want in life today! But most def. It’s always good to hear that we are not alone and others experience what we do and have! One thing I can say is knowing that we have absolutely no control over anyone or anything except ourselves is huge and goes along way. Trying to control everything is utterly exhausting and not our job. All we can do is control ourselves. Also if your having one of those completely crazy days it is ok to start your day over. I have to do this from time to time. Another thing I can say that helps me is not having to have all the answers. If we stay open minded and remain teachable this works out to our benefit, but also not constantly asking why did this happen, why did that have to be that way! It’s good to be curious but wandering the right things is crucial! We don’t want to sit and dwell on things! Exploring yourself for your benefit to get past things and finding your patterns and what works for you is amazing! I hope I have shared something that helps someone! Thanks for the post and sharing your experience it def. Touched my heart!

Kayla -Your comment is jam packed with such great wisdom and insights. Thank you so much for sharing. I love the idea you added about starting the day over. That’s such a good one to remember. Congrats on your sobriety and your family. It’s so good to hear from people that are reversing that sick cycle and claiming life on their on terms. xx-dawn

Thanks for all the good shares. I too can become very small in the face of responsibilities that feel overwhelming. Sometimes paralyzed, sometimes tired… For me it is a sign of emotional overload from fear of a future that I cannot contorl. My higher power has this, and over and over I choose to entrust just the next step to my HP. Honestly it feels like a big risk at times, and loving myself enough to entrust(I use that word rather than letting go) helps me. It is a constant task for me so that I can be the adult that I want to be and help my little kid inside know that together with my HP we have this-at least for this moment. Thanks for listening and thanks to all who posted… anon

Thanks for stopping by and sharing. I love the idea you shared about becoming small in the face of responsibilities. I have that fear to. That fear that I won’t be able to handle what’s in front of me. So instead of finding out, I often cower and retreat. I have to stay conscious of what I’m doing and the thoughts that are busting through my head in order to work through it.

Hi Dawn. Thank you, you touch right, on my struggles over the course of my life and why i remain :stuck” I am doing EMDR now and its hard but the “stuck” became a matter of life and death for me. I would usually write till my hand gives out when i feel “understood, connected to others with similar pasts but i am feeling exhausted with all the necessary therapies i am doing and try to not live there, , but i did want to say; thank you for showing me that i am not alone, i am not the only one, I’m not a basket case, and most of all that there is hope. Thank you.

Hi Jennifer – Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving your thoughts. I totally get feeling exhausted over working on yourself, your past and the issues that never seem to run out. You are allowed to take breaks and breathe when you need it. Remember that it can also be very therapeutic to do something nice for yourself every now and again:) xx-dawn