*Every time Rudy Giuliani begins a sentence with any variation of the following: “You know, back when I was mayor during the terrorism attacks . . . ”

*Every time you find yourself thinking that Fred Thompson really needs his Law and Order scriptwriters with him on the campaign trail.

*Every time Tom Tancredo blames illegal immigration for a problem. And down your whole drink if he catches you off-guard by blaming immigrants for something you didn’t expect — like global warming (well, if he believed in it).

*The first time Ron Paul makes everyone else on stage uncomfortable by accusing them of spreading war propaganda. Make this one a toast.

*Every time you see the guy who looks like the dad from Beverly Hills 90210 and find yourself trying to figure out who on earth he is. (Mike Huckabee)

*Every time you see a candidate struggling to come up with an answer and then saving himself by saying the world “Hillary” just to get the crowd worked up.

*The first time you hear Mitt Romney use his favorite line about Republicans needing to clean up their act — and stop acting like Democrats.

*If you ever find yourself staring at Romney’s head and wondering if he’s actually a droid. Or a Ken doll.

*If you ever see anyone on your TV who’s not a white man. Commercials don’t count.

*If Tancredo has the guts to say here in Orlando the same thing about drilling off the coast of Florida that he said earlier this month in Michigan — that we should “drill every place you can” and that, if Floridians don’t allow drilling, they shouldn’t be able to use gas from some other places that do.

*Every time Ron Paul makes you feel stupid by using a word like “neocolonialism.”

*Every time John McCain looks so irritated at someone else that you think he might slug them — be they a campaign opponent or moderator.

*If you ever see Brit Hume smile.

*Any time Fred Thompson uses some sort of colloquialism, like someone being more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

*Every time any candidate at any time uses the words “cut taxes.” (Bring a keg.)

*As soon as the debate’s over and you hear a Democratic “response” that isn’t really responding to anything, since it was written hours before the debate ever began.

The only problem is that if I actually followed these rules, I think I’d need a new liver by the time the debate was over.