Friday, September 23, 2011

power filled journey

felt very exhausted by this past week of care taking my mom and dad...not as much a physical tiredness but an emotional one...of processing my own emotions after dealing with my mother's behaviors related to her prescription med addiction and her mental health issues...yesterday it hit a high note when she once again talked about death...this time she wanted to know if she was going to be taken back home and if there was money to bury her...yes on both accounts but she wasnt believing it...so it spiralled down...then she started in on her health and how she was burning up, her heart was raising, she was having a blind spell, her hands were hot, her back itched, her little finger was killing her, she woke up and couldnt breath that morning...on and so on...for a solid four hours she complained and lacked any kind of filter in her processing...

i told myself to stay centered and calm and later i could let go of some of the tension building in my body...i am good at protecting myself for the most part...what i am struggling with is the assault of my
senses...the repetitive movements she goes through as she is climbing higher into her agitated state...it bothers me greatly but this too i will not let into me...

so the day ended and i released it and slipped into a better space....in my mind i went to my treehouse in the woods and enjoyed a very happy night...

when i woke up this morning...before everything this day may bring...i did a journey...what must i do not only to shield myself of my mother's energy but also to empower myself to be stronger in what i am going through in my own life...﻿

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i flew to the cape as a seagull...landing at the gravesite of the native woman who's spirit i met walking there last year...

i sat by the grave in my human form and burned sage and lavender...i waited in silence...she came from behind and told me to walk with her...

she was simply dressed and with only a single string of beads around her neck...she had a dotted tattoo of the little dipper on her cheek...

we began making our way across the dunes and onto the beach...the sun was rising and the seagulls were busy fishing...

i asked her what can i do to shield myself....she said i was doing the best i could do in a very difficult situation...i am doing better than i have been doing over the years...she told me to not struggle in my mother's pit with her and to not even move close to it...she fears death and life and has been trapped in her pit for many many years...she didnt know how to be selfless in a way that empowers her and helps others...she is lost and may never recover from the pit she dug and climbed into...

i felt the woman's hand rest on my shoulder...she told me i am a good daughter but to not leap in the pit and follow my mother...she started answering the second question before i asked it...she told me to believe once and for all i am not my mother...my life has been full and i have not feared death and i have been doing work on the parts of myself which needed it...i have learned coping skills...i have walked a path of service and have done my best to ease suffering in myself and others...

she led me up the beach further...she knew my body was tired and my mind was as well...she placed me in a herb filled pool of water...it was hot and the scent of the herbs sifted through me...i fell into a deeper place in my mind where she also stood...she was drumming...and we both began to sing...it was a thankfulness song to life and the great spirit and to the directions and to everything...i felt my soul rise up with a tremendous swell of love and it washed over me...

i was brought back to the pool of water and was surrounded by others who played drums and built a fire...i climbed from the pool and was given a soft hide to wrap in...deer...sitting by the fire with others i joined in with the drumming...silence came slowly...each drum stopping until all the drums were silent but mine...i kept on til i felt the moment to lay mine down as well...we were quiet witnesses to the stars and ocean and fire and we all closed our eyes and breathed together...

she told me how to listen better to my own voice...to strip away what is not working in my life...to continue to stand in integrity...to keep ego in the toolbox but use compassion as often as i can...to surround myself with more and more upbeat and strong people...to stay away from those who hate or have self pity...to reinforce those things that feed my spirit..to continue to open up to others and to allow the love to flow to and from me...to keep the faith...all is as it should be...

i walked back to the grave alone...i was happy she stayed with her people...