mondays make me think of stars

Not every week, but sometimes I can’t wait for Monday morning. Oh I know, that just doesn’t sound right. It’s just that I link Mondays to a new beginning and a new “chance.” There were times in my life where I was so desperate for a new chance and a new beginning, I’d grasp at anything. Monday was enough of something to hold on to.

This weekend we had a free Sunday so we decided to drive the 2.5ish hours (from Chicago) to visit my parents. Mateo missed Noni and Papa! My brother, Christian came along with us. We’re 18 months apart in age so we grew up together in our own little world (although part of a family of four children). As conversation in cars go, we started talking about “the old days” and at some point that lead to my brother saying, “I’m so glad you’re still here.” I think it would be quite a surprise to people who know me now, that I didn’t always want to be “here.” I was desperately unhappy for a long, long time and quite unsuccessful at living. Everything about living was so, so heavy.

My absolute saving grace is that I am a dreamer. Even in my darkest moments, I fought for, sought out, and held onto any shred of hope. I’ve been told numerous times that I have a child-like joy. It’s probably true. I am easily inspired, I get excited enough to laugh and jump around at random nonsense, and I have a wild imagination for my life. I believe whole-heartedly in other people’s dreams and I can get excited if you’re excited, even if I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s not because I’m silly, it’s because I have been unhappy and the feeling of hope is something that I don’t take for granted.

Today, I woke up exhausted and overwhelmed. But it’s Monday, and I didn’t want to waste the “opportunity” of a new week. For some reason, I thought of these words. I believe it’s from Osho, an Indian guru who taught in the 1960s. I’m not at all familiar with him or his teachings, but I looked up the quote. “A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.” It’s a comforting truth.

. . .

On Sunday, we went on a long walk. It’s nice to get out of the city every now and again. We were away for less than 24 hours, but wow, what a complete reset. It was really lovely to see a few signs of Spring. About time, Midwest! It’s funny how excited we get to see those first few buds blossoming. It reminded me of my thoughts on hope, and how much we appreciate the warmth, comfort, and new life of Spring after a long, dark winter.

When we arrived in Indiana, after everyone was already inside, Aki stopped me by the car. He wanted me to know that he’s happy. He isn’t an emotional man. He moves forward and never backward. He doesn’t hold onto negative thoughts or memories but he has them like everyone else. He grew up in the most beautiful place (Croatia, on the sea), but he also grew up in a country at war (former Yugoslavia). He doesn’t like to talk about it because he moves forward and not backward, but he wanted to let me know that he’s happy, and he appreciates all that he has in our marriage because he has seen terrible things and he knows what’s important. Mateo and me.

I don’t know whether darkness is really necessary to see “the stars” (in the more figurative sense), but it definitely does make them seem so much brighter. They are just that much more beautiful.

24 Thoughts on “mondays make me think of stars”

Henna, this is such an honest and open post. Thank you for sharing. That’s such a lovely quote. Even though I don’t know you in real life, I’m happy you’re still here too :) Life is so precious and beautiful and thank goodness for you being a dreamer. You and your family is so beautiful and your love for them and for each other shows so much in your posts and photos.

I’m SO here. :) It means so much to have you following along. I think of you as living my dream life, Ms. Fashion photographer/mom to the most gorgeous family ever/adventurer. I’m glad we’ve connected through the blog-o-sphere! :)

You are so incredibly wonderful. I’m really grateful that you are “here” and thank you for your very open writings. This was moving and I LOVE you and Aki. It’s such an amazing thing to stop and think “I’m happy”, I’m glad he told you.

although I don’t know if I like the idea that you need to experience pain to really appreciate deep joy, there is some truth there, huh. I think we appreciate the simple things and find joy in the ordinary and that is true joy. xo :)

Can’t even tell you how much this post means to me. This is why I love you, Henna! Thank you for being a dreamer, for being so open to inspiration and hope. The quote you shared reminded me of one from Erica Jong that I’ve clung to for years: “… because if there is emptiness this deep, there must be fullness somewhere.” Throughout all my unhappy years, I repeated this… believing and knowing that one day I would find the fullness. And I finally am! And you’re a big part of that, my friend. :) I love you so!

What beautiful and honest words! I’m so glad to hear that you’re happy now. It’s so wonderful when your partner turns around and tells you how happy he is. It means more to me than anything when my husband does that. It means we’re doing something right and that together, we’re working towards making our lives as happy and as fulfilling as possible.

There are so many wonderful things to look forward to in life. And it’s so important to always have something to look forward to.

I have been following your blog posts almost religiously and felt complied to say how moved I am (this is the case often) especially reading this one. I can almost see Christian saying that to you :). It is often the case that something you write on your blog will stay with me as I go through my day – where ever I am that day. I just wanted to share that with you. And to thank you for the inspiration :) A friend of mine told me it is often little things that bring us the most happiness and well, your blog has found it’s way into my heart. Much love.

Not to be dramatic, but this comment really hit me. I actually teared up. Thank you so much for telling me, Raquel. Quite honestly I feel so happy knowing people like you exist (artists and world adventurers). :)

henna you write so beautifully and from the heart. i’m a firm believer everything happens for a reason, it’s the only way i can understand when horrible things happen or we go through dark times, it’s all part of a bigger picture and a path that will bring happiness into our life. i’m so pleased to see you have your own slice of happiness in your life, i bet if you could show your younger self the you now, she wouldn’t believe it. but without her you wouldn’t be the person you are now…if that makes sense…sorry i’m rambling. this post just really touched me x

As usual, I am reading some of your posts late. It warms my heart reading about Aki saying that he’s happy because it reminds me of the moments when Peter tells me that he’s happy. After reading this and some other wistful posts about the past and how you didn’t want always want to be here and knowing just exactly what you mean, I’m jealous of that ability and confidence to buy one-way tickets. I feel like I lived half my life in fear – fear and guilt were my guiding lights. I guess it got me pretty far in life, but I’m so so glad that happiness and confidence guide more of my life choices now.

Oh, and if you’re ever up for world travels with kids in tow, you should know that I’m always game. Just sayin’. :)