How to Write Tabloid Newspaper
Headlines

by Bruce Lansky

Most kids have seen tabloid newspaper headlines in supermarket
checkout lines or on newsstands, and they know a lot of crazy
stuff is printed as "news." Now they can turn on their
creativity and write some wacky newspaper headlines of their
own.

Here are some wacky newspaper headlines formatted like a poem
from an anthology called The Onion's Finest News Reporting.
(The Onion calls itself "the world's most popular
humor periodical." I agree.)

Though you might find some (or all) of the headlines hilarious,
I don't think you would call them a "poem." It's just
a list of headlines that don't add up to a unified story or
point. But if I add one more headline to it, I might change
your mind. What do you think?

The second version suggests a Times editor lost his
newspaper job for tampering with the front page, but landed
an even better job writing for The Late Show with David
Letterman. The addition of one more headline turned this
list of fabricated headlines into a story, which makes it more
like a poem.

I'm not suggesting you share these creations with your students,
unless they're in high school or college. Here's a version I
think might work better with elementary- and middle-school students:

Well, there you have it. To "sell" this exercise
to your students, find a copy of the National Enquirer
or The Onion. Read a few headlines to your students
and see what they can come up with. Have them mix and match
headlines. Have them find a headline with a celebrity's name,
and replace it with their friend's name or even your name. Ask
them to make up headlines they'd like to see in the future.

When they have several headlines, have them make a final headline
that ties all the other headlines into a story. There are many
possibilities: Did someone change the headlines at the local
newspaper? Are the people at the news station having a little
fun with the viewers? Is it April Fool's Day? Backwards Day?
A dream?