I do understand what you mean about avoiding favorite music and such. It's a form of depression...you avoid the things that make you feel good because for some reason you feel that you shouldn't feel good or something...its strange, but you just can't help it sometimes!!

I know how you feel. SOngs that were a big hit at the time it happened drive me nuts and bring back flash backs. I turned the radio off for like a month. I just listened to Journey all the time. "Be good to yourself"is the best song. "Any way you want i"t is awesome to. Sometimes I feel my theme song is comfortly numb(pink floyd)....like it's the way my life is right now....but don't be like me. Focus on the positive. I'm thinking of talking to people like in a group at high schools and stuff. Plus I'm in the air force so when the trial is over I will for sure talk to other woman in the force about how evil men can be. Anyways.

I hope you arent banned too long. The rules say we pretty much can't give out any contact information. I guess it protects us in a way. They want to keep this site as proffesional as possible I guess. I wonder if I can even put a link up here that has info about rape on it? I dunno. Hope things are going well. I havent heard from the lawyers today. I hope I don't have to sit on this through the weekend. I have decided that once I find out what is for sure happening I am going to volunteer for a remote tour so I can get the hell out of Hawaii and away from all the memories it has on this base. I hope to go to Korea, iceland. turkey, or germany(in the military). I can't wait to get out of here and move on with my life.

I wanted to commend all of you for your amazingness. You're all angels! I was raped for 6 months about twice every week for that six months, I got pregnant during that time (had a miscarriage) and I was only 14. I'm now 17. It gives me great hope reading about you all. Especially those of you who've been brave enough to confront this problem and go to the police and have your attacker charged. I am so proud of you. I hope that someday I will have the same courage.
Thank you all. I love you all very much. Please take care.
God Bless.
~Mel

I am so scarced. The weekend before they told me the trial might go to court I had sex with my BF for the first time since I had been raped. Now I feel like they are gonna look down at that. Especially because I think I'm pregnant. What's going to happen to me. I'm so scared! I just wanna scream at the top of my lungs. I got really really drunk this weekend and now I feel bad because what if I am pregnant? I've put my babies life in danger. I hope nature doesnt let this happen right now. I'm way to stressed. I really hate the guy who did this too me. He seems to be everywhere in my thoughts right now. I can't sleep with out dreaming about the rape. Even though I don't remember any of it. Just a few flashes. It's all so messed up. It felt like they were trying to guilt trip me because he'll be kicked out of the military and go to jail for life. They were all like is there any doubt in your mind that he didnt know you werent giving consent. I said yes....but then I thought who has sex with someone when they just got back from the ER and are drugged. I was on Valium and Roxicet. My back was the reason. Wouldnt he know that he could of hurt my back more. Why would I get into bed with him while his friend was in it? Wouldnt a sober person object to having sex in front of someone. I didnt know what I was doing. They say your body can respond and your brain can be just vegitable. LIke a blackout sorta weaving in and out. Why do I feel like I need to convince everyone over and over again. Why can't they just take what I've told them. I want it to be over. I never want to think about it again ever! Send me to Korea and let me get on with it. I think as long as I'm on these pills and see a therapist I'll be fine! Just leave me be. Is it wrong I feel this way. That I'm so angry with everyone right now. Anyone please help me!

By saying you want to be sent to Korea it's my guess you are also in the military. I was in for nine years. From experience believe me I know what you are going through. Make sure you keep all documentation regarding the trail.(court marshall) Get all you medical records including your therapy records and guard them with your life. Records in the military and with VA tend to get misplaced quite often. I know what you mean by wanting it to just be over, but you need to think about what your life might be like in maybe 10 to 15 years. Once you are out of service if you are already diagnosed with Ptsd depending on how it affects you VA will pay you compensation anywhere from $100.00 a month to $2500, a month. You are not thinking of that right now, neither did I and I have had 15 years of those memories. Alot of my records where lost but luckly I had somehow managed to keep up with most of them. You can learn to deal with the memories but they will never go away.