(Closed) FMIL troubles

Everyone, I could really use some help/advice/insight on this situation.

My Future Mother-In-Law is a very vocal person. Before the engagement, we got along very well, even though she is pretty high maintenance (FI is her only child and his parents are divorced). Over the past few months, she has been critical of many aspects of the wedding. She brings up the wedding every time we see her. For example, at Christmas Eve dinner she talked about how disappointed she was to hear that we were not planning an official first dance, that I only registered at once place and for only a few items, that there will not be a bouquet toss and garter event, that we plan to mingle with the guests at cocktail hour rather than hiding out in order to make a grand entrance at the reception, etc. She did this at her sister’s house in front of her entire extended family! To make matters worse, FI’s cousin is getting married two weeks after us (thus requiring us to change our honeymoon plans, but that is another issue) and my Future Mother-In-Law kept asking the cousin whether she was incorporating these "traditional" elements in her wedding. Which of course she is.

The whole situation makes me very uncomfortable and I feel like I am constantly under attack. Fiance and I have talked about this and at first, he was sympathetic and told me to ignore her and said he would intervene when she got out of control. In our last conversation this weekend, the story has changed (I know this sounds paranoid, but I think she has been talking to him and complaining about how I am excluding her from the wedding). Now he is saying to me that (i) she is not being mean because I would know if she REALLY wanted to be nasty to me (boy, am I looking forward to my future right now); and (ii) to make my life easier, I really should just involve her in any future meetings/activities.

Here is my problem with FI’s comments. First, I have not really embraced the wedding planning. I have had a horrifying busy year at work and I really squeeze in meetings at the last minute. I never go with anyone to any of these meetings. I have met the florist, the venue, etc. by myself. My mom came with me to meet a potential invitation person only because I needed my mom’s input on the Chinese part of the invitation. Second, I feel like my Fiance is telling me that there is no hope and that I should just cave into his mother’s demands. It is not in my nature to be passive.

As background, Fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves. My parents have gifted me my wedding dress (which was a total unexpected surprise). All the Future Mother-In-Law is paying for is the rehearsal dinner, which Fiance and I did not want and she is insisting on having. It is now also turning out to be as fancy if not fancier than the wedding reception itself. But I can’t say anything now since I agreed months ago to let her plan the Rehearsal Dinner. Future Mother-In-Law has also decided to invite about a dozen of her friends to the reception, which she is not paying for. Fiance doesn’t want to tell her she can’t invite her friends, even though no one else knows them, so we are stuck with this expense.

At this point I don’t want anything to do with her. I know if we do anything together she will criticize that I am not being traditional (FYI–I am Chinese and Fiance is not. We decided not to have the Chinese banquet, so in my parents’ opinion, I am not being traditional either but they have not complained) and compare our wedding to the cousin’s. What do I do? I really don’t want to give in to her but I don’t want to keep have "discussions" with my Fiance about this.

So am I just being a b*tch about the whole thing? Am I being a drama queen? This whole situation has really stressed me out and I am dreading the rest of the engagement. Whenever people ask me about wedding planning, I tell them it sucks. 🙁 Please help!

I’m sorry things are so hard with your Future Mother-In-Law. First of all, I would say get your fiance a little more involved, have him come to some meetings, and make sure the two of you are on the same page. You really need him to be the one to communicate with his mom and stick up for the wedding you have both decided that you want. My Future Mother-In-Law also complained about not feeling informed, etc… Something that might help is sending email updates. For example, if you meet with two florists, you can send some info on both and ask her advice to help you decide. She won’t make any of the major decisions for you, but she can feel more involved. Just giving her some information might help you from feeling attacked all of the time.

If she’s so all about "tradition", she should know that the family of the groom traditionally has NO SAY in planning the wedding. "Traditionally" the groom’s parents get to plan the rehearsal dinner, period. You have NO obligation to include her in the decisions, BUT if your Fiance thinks that it would help future family harmony, maybe you could take her on "follow up" appointments– ie. dress fitting or florist trial– where the big decision has already been made. And it wouldn’t hurt to warn those vendors in advance that you are bringing her and would really appreciate their support in making her see how fantastic your vision for the wedding is! Two against one, right?

In the meantime, why not trying writing her a simple letter, explaining your choices AND how it hurts your feelings that she is always denigrating those choices? I am all about the air-clearing letter for situations that might not be fixable face-to-face. If you do this, be sue to get you Fiance to sign off on the final language, so that it she calls him to complain (instead of to apologize, as she should), he will be on the same page as you. After all, you made these decisions together.

Have you told your Future Mother-In-Law about Chinease traditions that you won’t be having? I mean she can’t be that dull that she doens’t understand you have your traditions too – she’s got to just be ignoring it.

Fiance sounds like he’s "wussing" out a bit if you ask me, being on board with you in the beginning and then reverting back to taking moms side can not only be frustrating for you, but incredibly hurtful. I think that the two of you should work that one out before you go at fixing the Mother-In-Law thing. You can’t "fight" (for lack of a better word) her alone and it’s his mother, you shouldn’t have to. You are going to be his wife and though he should honor and love his mom, he needs to support and stand by you first and foremost now. That’s marriage.

I think she needs to watch the movie Monster In Law and back off you. Ask her next time she says something about it "Why would I want the same wedding as the cousin getting married before/after us? How boring would that be?"

Good luck hun, I’m soryy I can’t be of more help – I can chew her out if you want 😉

LOL, no you aren’t being a b*tch. I’ve encountered a similar problem and am trying to just involve in the laws in the final stages of planning (once I"ve made up my mind on certain things). My inlaws have been overbearing even though they aren’t paying a cent. I can’t change anything they’ve decided on thus far since its too late but I’m planning to control what I can going forward. And really, I don’t care anymore if they think I’m being difficult. I just want certain things done my way, especially if I’m paying for it. This has definitely taken a load off the stressful part of wedding planning.

Plus, if they choose to hold the whole wedding planning thing against me forever…..oh well…I don’t see them on a day-to-day basis anyhow.

You’re definitely NOT being a b*tch. I agree with what some of the other commenters have said, that you should try and involve her in some of the final stages of planning BUT, you should also not feel guilty for not having the time to include other people. It is your wedding. Plus, I don’t know how your relationship is with your Future Mother-In-Law normally (i.e. outside of wedding planning), but it could also be that she feels like she’s "losing" her son and thus taking advantage of the wedding to try and assert her influence/power over him and now you. You definitely shouldn’t stand for this, though. If this is the case, the best thing to do is just continuing doing what you want to do — be nice and try to involve her, but don’t give up your dream to satisfy hers.

Thanks everyone for all of your support! I really appreciate it. It has just been so stressful dealing with her! And I know this is immature, but part of me just doesn’t want to give in to her so easily.

I don’t know if I am ready to write a letter, but I will definitely talk to Fiance more about this. Hopefully things will improve. But you know how weird the mother-son relationship can be.

The email update idea is a good one. I will try to email her when I have any news. Unfortunately, I don’t have anything good like an invitation mock up to show her.

I also don’t think you should feel bad at all. You don’t actually have any obligation to include your Future Mother-In-Law in the planning, or to adjust your plans to her expectations. It’s nice if you want to try to make her feel included, but not if she just criticizes every choice you make! And that is actually what I would focus on – assuming that she does want to be included. I would let her know that while you would love for her to be involved in the planning if she wants to be, you feel bad when she criticizes your choices and compares your plans unfavorably with the cousin’s. Let her know, nicely, that it is your wedding, and while some of your choices might not be the ones she would make, they are your choices. And then maybe have a little list of things she could help with if she wants. (Maybe research – I have my mom and FMIL running down things like comparative florist prices, tux rental info, etc.)

If she doesn’t want to help, only to critique, I would ignore her to the best of your ability, and let your Fiance know in no uncertain terms that he needs to tell her to back off – that criticizing you is offensive to him, and that she needs to learn a different way to interact with you. Believe me, until she hears it from him, its not likely to change.