Grandmother: Hello?
IZZ: Are you living or not?
GRAMMA: Yes I am.
IZZ: Izz it nice?
GRAMMA: Oh?
IZZ: Huh?
GRAMMA: Gremta, who is this?
IZZ: Izz.
GRAMMA: Say something else.
MOSS: This. This is Moss Terranium.
GRAMMA: What!?
MOSS: Moss Terranium. We're asking some Qualified Opinion Surveys about the quality of the Standard of Life in America's middle class bourgeois, bourgeois, abourgeois.
GRAMMA: Yeah, somebody's playin jokes.
MOSS: Bourgeois.
GRAMMA: Yeah, I don't get it.
MOSS: You don't understand the bourgeois?
GRAMMA: No, I don't.
MOSS: Boozch.
GRAMMA: Don't understand the boozcherwah atoll.
MOSS: Well, do you like being, like being who you are?
GRAMMA: I dunno, who is this?
MOSS: This is Bobo.
GRAMMA: Bobo?

Act4

LITTLE QUARTZ as LOUIS GHEM: Hello, is Mike Portugal there?
DAN: I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.
LQ: Wait a minute. He gave me this number to call. And he said that you owed him some money. Now what the ghhhay you gonna do about it?
DAN: Hold on just a moment. (goes off to quickly lube car)
LQ: Okay.
DAN: (returns) Alright, come across with that one more time now.
LQ: Hello, this is Louis Ghem.
DAN: Who?
LQ: I need to contact Mike Portugal.
DAN: I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.
LQ: About, about, about, about, about, about alone. Um oh, somebody's got to help me there! I-I need some help. (giggles)
DAN: You sure do need some he...
VIRGINIA: Ha ho ho ho ho.

Act5

CARL SAX REPETITIVE: Can I help you? Uh, this is Carl Sax Repetitive for NBC, uh could you tell me how many television sets you're watching, please?
NELLE: Uh, one.
CARL: One television set. Uh, what make is your television set, please?
NELLE: Now who is this calling?
CARL: This is Carl Sax Repetitive of NBC, uh can I help you? How many television sets are you watching?
NELLE: No, you can't help me. I'm sorry.

Act6

SPACIA: Hello?
BOBBY MOORE: Hello, is uh, is Leroy there?
SPACIA: Leroy?
BOBBY: Leroy?
SPACIA: Who?
BOBBY: Yeah, this is Bobby Moore, uh someone told me that Leroy lived there and, uh this is WNEW radio.
SPACIA: Uh, no you've got.
BOBBY: W.
SPACIA: I think.
BOBBY: Alright, well, answer me this.
SPACIA: Uh umm?
BOBBY: Wl Bobby Moore and the Rhythm Aces. Was, uh, he ever there?
SPACIA: No, he wasn't.
BOBBY: Now this, this may sound a little strange. But uh, he used to work with the phone company.
SPACIA: Uh hmm.
BOBBY: And he put in about two or three phones, and uh, the televisions were on, at that house? Y'know?
SPACIA: Uh hmm.
BOBBY: And he lived there. He had no phones, no televisions. But he did have a show. That's, that's why I'm calling. WNEW radio and television. Now, if you can ask us one question correctly, you'll win thirty dollars. Okay? Now, you ready for the question?
SPACIA: Uh hmm.
BOBBY: Kay? Okay, Bobby Moore and the Rhythm Aces put out an album on Checker label. What was the name of the title song? For $30.oo.
SPACIA: Heh heh. Name of the tattle song?
BOBBY: Uh hmm. Name of the song, and you can win the prize.
SPACIA: I don't. What's the name again? Bobby Moore?
BOBBY: Bobby Moore and the Rhythm Aces put out and album on Checker. What was the name of the title song?
SPACIA: Uh, I don't know. I.
BOBBY: I don't, I don't know. That's the name of the song.
SPACIA: Huh?

SIR PEACH: I say, is Don there?
RICK: Who is this??
SIR PEACH: Is Don there? I say, could I speak with Don? This is Don's residence?
RICK: You must have the wrong number or sumpin.
SIR PEACH: Is, isn't this Don's residence?
RICK: (peeved) Awwwwww...

Act9

ELIZABETH: Hello?
SIGNAL: Ping!
ELIZABETH: Hello!?
SIGNAL: Ping!

Act10

MARRIE: Hello?
JAMES: Is Sherry in?
MARRIE: Hello?
JAMES: Uh yes, is this the Keece Keith residence?
MARRIE: Yes it is.
JAMES: Is Sherry in please?
MARRIE: Sharrie?
JAMES: Yes.
MARRIE: She's married. She's away from home.
JAMES: How.
MARRIE: Beg your pardon?
JAMES: How?
MARRIE: Wh.
JAMES: She's she's what, what did you say? Married?
MARRIE: She doesn't live at home anymore.
JAMES: Uh, could you give me her other number, please?
MARRIE: Well, who's calling?
JAMES: Uh, this is a resident banker of hers, this is James Fornwurth.
MARRIE: It's who?
JAMES: James Fornwurth.
MARRIE: And who are you?
JAMES: I'm a resident banker of her.
MARRIE: A Resident Banker?
JAMES: Right, of her, of her account. Could you please help me and give me her number?? It's pretty important, y'know???
MARRIE: Well, I'd rather not, I'm sorry.

RICK: Hello?
HALEY: Hello, is uh Don there? Excuse me, did did he leave you with his number?
JEFF: I believe you're queer, what dyou think?
HALEY: I said, did he leave you with his numbah? His name is Don...

BEATRICE: Haynes Pharmacy.
LOUIS: Uh, this is Louis Hayne. Uh, is Charles Hayne. Is Charles Hayne there?
BEA: Charles Hayne?
LOUIS: Yes, this is Aspirin Limited. Uh and weird we're doing an article on Mr Haynd and uh and his wife. May I speak to him please?
BEA: He isn't here, sir. Mr Haynes is on vacation.
LOUIS: Oh, I'M really sorry about that. Uh, well could you help me? Do you know anything about Mr Hayne? Are you familiar with uh the Hayne article in the newspaper?
BEA: No sir I'm not.
LOUIS: ...about about the aspirin? Uh, well he. He called me. And he was very upset.
BEA: Uh hmm.
LOUIS: And uh he didn't say much, y'know?
BEA: Uh hmm.
LOUIS: But he he did mention Mr Hayne and uh, he's not there, you say?
BEA: No sir, he is gone on vacation.
LOUIS: Oh.
BEA: I don't know when he'll be back. Whetherbee week, ten days, or what. So you would hafta talk to him, or...
LOUIS: Excuse me, does does he have dark hair?
BEA: Sir uh, are you sure you got the right one? What is that last name, H-A-Y-N-E-S?
LOUIS: Yes ma'am! I think that I have the right number.
BEA: Uh well. Now uh.
LOUIS: No, I'll explain. Like I've been up all night, y'know? And trying to get in touch with him. And he he doesn't seem to be around. Ever!
BEA: Hee hee. Well, he didn't work today at all. His vacation he started today. Now whether he'll be in in a day or two, I mean, sometimes he's in and out.
LOUIS: Okay now. When he finally does get back, tell him that Louis Ghem called.
BEA: Lemme write that down. Louis, is that L-O-U or L-E-W?
LOUIS: It's L-O. U.
BEA: UI. I-S?
LOUIS: Yes, that's right.
BEA: Okay.
LOUIS: Ghem.
BEA: H-A what?
LOUIS: G-H-E-M.
BEA: G-H-E-M?
LOUIS: This is very important. And tell him to call me immediately.
BEA: Wait a minute, now. Give me that last name again.
LOUIS: G. H. E. M. Ghem. Now he knows the number.
BEA: G-H-E-M.
LOUIS: Yes ma'am. You're very kind, and.
BEA: Alrighty!
LOUIS: Thank you very much.
BEA: Uh hmm.

JT: Hello?
MIKE: Uh, yes, is J.T. Dennis in, please?
JT: Yes sir. That's right.
MIKE: Howv you been?
JT: Pretty good. Pretty good. I.
MIKE: I'm glad things are going well.
JT: Was there anythanything you uh wanted to
MIKE: Ugh, discuss, maybe?
JT: Well.
MIKE: I was wondering. Are you. Are you still employed by uh Madison High School?
JT: That's right. That's right.
MIKE: Yeh.
JT: No no. Listen I'm I I'm I'm not employed. I I wuh. Uh really what I thought youse fixin to ask me is I uh was uh uh the Mr Dennis that taught at Madison High School and I was. I been out uh two years now.
MIKE: Oh really?
JT: Yeah. So I really haven't. Uh it's just been here at Madison. Haven't been out anywhere.
MIKE: I see. Well, this is Mister Michael Pugh.
JT: Mike Pugh.
MIKE: Mike Pugh, right. And uh I'm a teacher up here now. Or at least uh before the summer came. I was just curious. Just how you've been, how your nuptials have been.
JT: Well, I fortunately I (BUZZ) uh ah (BUZZZ!) ability I I'm on retirement, but I had thirty-two years.
MIKE: Right. Did you enjoy your teaching?
JT: Oh sure. Sure. I had 32 years. Twenty twenty-six years in Davidson County and six years in Robertson.
MIKE: How long were you at Madison, sir?
JT: Oh, seventeen years.
MIKE: Seventeen! Quite impressive!

RICK: Hello?
LEROY: Hello, is Don there?
RICK: Larry. Larreh?
LEROY: Hello, is Larry there?
RICK: (sigh) You're crazy!
LEROY: Wh-What are you doing?
RICK: Huh?
LEROY: I've been trying to reach. Don!
RICK: What are you doin?
LEROY: Simply trying to reach Don.
RICK: (Sigh)
LEROY: Are you asleep?
RICK: Yeah.
LEROY: Are you nude?
RICK: Ha heh naw. Just about. Aaawww. I've had insomnia all night long, I finally fell asleep, and you called.
LEROY: I'm just looking for Don!
RICK: Aaaaaawwwww. Well, I'll tell ya. I better go to sleep.
LEROY: There's no way for you to help me?
RICK: Nawwaaawwaw.
LEROY: Well, then is. Llet me see. I'd lo. Is there any way for you to get me with Sandy Brady?

OPERATOR: Erator, may I help you?
RODNEY: Uh yeah we. Would you uh check a number for me please?
O: What's wrong with the number, sir?
ROD: Uh, I think it's broken. Uh the number is 297-297. Huh.
O: 297-
ROD: 297. Yes.
O: You don't have enough numbers.
ROD: You're kidding.
O: You only have six. 297-297.
ROD: Y-you're kidding. Really?
O: Hee he hee.
ROD: Well, that's that's the number.
O: No, you need another number.
ROD: Uh, well, look!
O: Who are you calling?
DOTTIE: Ask her to look i tuh!
ROD: Well, would you please look it up for me, please?
O: Okay, who are you calling?
ROD: Uh, didnee hgh hghn. His name is Louis Ghem.
O: Louis what?
ROD: Ghem.
O: H-A-N-D?
ROD: C-H-E-M.
O: C-H-A-M.
ROD: E-M! C'MON! The number is 297-297, do I have to sit here all night and wait for that number?
O: Sir, it's no such number as C-H, skuze me, 297-297.
ROD: Why not???
O: You don't have a num.
ROD: I call it all the time!
O: I'll let you speak with the super viser.

Act27

INSPECTOR SIMPSON: Police Department.
ROBERT GHEM: Hello, is Lieutenant Ghem there?
SIMP: Who?
ROBERT: Lt. Ghem?
SIMP: Uh, I didn't catch that last name, now.
ROBERT: Oh I'm sorry. Uh, C-H-E-M.
SIMP: Uh, we don't have anyone here by that name.
ROBERT: Uh, could you check the files please, because uh, he's my uncle, and uh he works for your department.
SIMP: C-H-E-M?
ROBERT: Uh, yessir.
SIMP: Uh, he dudn't work for the Goodlettsville Police Department, I beg your pardon.
ROBERT: Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, are you a Lieutenant, sir? Oh uh.
SIMP: Y'no. I'm Inspector Simpson of the Goodlettsville Police Dept. But now we don't have anybody by that name that works here.
ROBERT: Oh I see.
SIMP: You must be trying to get Metro Police Department.
ROBERT: No, no. I'm I'm pretty sure that he works there. Uh like I said, he's my uncle and uh the last time that I talked to him uh, he's he said that he worked there. He's a Lieutenant. You never heard of him?
SIMP: No. Not C-H-E-M.
ROBERT: Ghem, that's that's his name. Uh.
SIMP: Heun.
ROBERT: I I can't believe that you'd n-never heard of him.
SIMP: No, no. He's never he's never worked here.
ROBERT: Okay.
SIMP: Okay.
ROBERT: Well, thank you.
SIMP: Uh hmm.

Act28

EO: Hello?
IZZ: Uh, is this Mr. Jenkins?
EO: Right.
IZZ: How?
EO: Howrya?
IZZ: You weren't sleeping, right?
EO: I was.
IZZ: Well, this is pretty important.
EO: Awright, what is it?
IZZ: Morris N. Jennette was fine $60 in 1849 for littering frogs. Do you remember?
EO: No.
IZZ: Well, that's whatcha git! Don't you think so? Do you understand?
EO: No.
IZZ: What does it take to convince you?
EO: About what?
IZZ: The fact that Morris N. Jennette was fined $50 in 1849.
EO: I don't know anything bout it.
IZZ: Pardon?
EO: I don't know anything about it.
IZZ: Uh, well, I would expect you to. Uh, are you into science as a career?
EO: No.
IZZ: W-what type of Science was it? I-I think. I think I think I might have the wrong number.
EO: You must have.
IZZ: Uh, w-there is another E.O. Jenkins listed, but he is in uh, it says it right here..."1415 Uranus".
EO: I dunno. You must think you're talkin to somebody else tho. Ferget it.
IZZ: Always.

Act29

RUTH: Hello?
ETTA: Hello, is.

Act30

PATTY: Hello?
LIGHTBULB EDDIE: H-hi is is Patti Estes in, please?
PATTY: Yes, this is Patti Estes.
EDDIE: This is she speaking?
PATTY: Uh hmm.
EDDIE: Howv ya bin.
PATTY: Ha heh fine. Howv you been?
EDDIE: I've been the best.
PATTY: Heh.
EDDIE: Why not uh why not have some fun and take a wild guess?
PATTY: Do what?
EDDIE: Why not have a little fun and take a wild guess who's calling you at this time?
PATTY: Ahhh. Lessee. Can you give me a hint?
EDDIE: The voice isn't familiar?
PATTY: Heh ha. Not that voice.
EDDIE: Does it sound a little Phoney?
PATTY: Hmmm little phoney?
EDDIE: There's no way you can guess, right?
PATTY: Now, wait a minute, you're changing accents on me. Stick to one and maybe I can guess. (pause) You're not gonna talk anymore???
EDDIE: Sure sure. Ize was just hoping you'd guess, y'know.
PATTY: (sensuousigh)
EDDIE: I'm really glad to see you in a jovial mood, because I been calling lots of my old friends and they've been turning away.
PATTY: Ohhh!
EDDIE: Because I've scared them or something.
PATTY: (sigh)
EDDIE: This is an old friend, y'know, it's just not a Crank call!
PATTY: Oh, I know, but I'm busy guessing.
EDDIE: Who could it be?
PATTY: Who could it be? Uh, who could it be calling this late? Heh.
EDDIE: Right right. Who could it be, as crazy as it seems?
PATTY: Heh heh. If I knew who it was, it probably wouldn't be crazy.
EDDIE: That's right. That's why you should consider yourself fortunate, because I remembered you from way-back-when.
PATTY: You deeud?
EDDIE: And I just didn't call anyone.
PATTY: You said you've been calling a lot of your old friends!
EDDIE: But not many of them were guhls, y'know.
PATTY: Heh ha no, I didn't know.
EDDIE: I mean the ones I been callin they been. They been the old guys. I called one number. Yes of another guhl. She lives on your street, but she doesn't live there no more. Cause she's married.
PATTY: Jeannie?
EDDIE: No, not Jeannie. The blonde.
PATTY: Lori!
EDDIE: Lori disn't live on your street.
PATTY: On my street!
EDDIE: On your street!
PATTY: Sherry.
EDDIE: Sherrie! And of course it turned them away too.
PATTY: Did what?
EDDIE: It turned them away too, just for me to call and ask for Sherrie. Just a friendly chat.
PATTY: Did they tell you that she was married?
EDDIE: Right. And they said that she didn't live there no more. And then they kept asking who it was. And I said, well, that would spoil it, it's an old friend.
PATTY: Helen?
EDDIE: You have no idea, do ya?
PATTY: No idea.
EDDIE: Hehh.
PATTY: I really don't. Heh.
EDDIE: It will give you something to think about when you hear on the radio the term "Ethos".

SUE SIDE: This is Crisis Call Centre. May I help you please?
DAVID: Yes. This is David Ghem.
SUE: Well, David Ghem?
DAVID: You didn't call me!
SUE: Oh I told. I got someone. Hold on here, just a moment. Lemme see what happened. Uh did give me your number. Maybe maybe wel gut maybe you gave the wrong number or sumpin. Gimme your number again.
DAVID: Why? I.
SUE: Well, the reason I asked you to give me your number is I wanted to be sure I had the right number. Maybe that was why she didn't call you. Hold on a second. That's 297-6431? Is that the right number?
DAVID: No.
SUE: Sir?
DAVID: No.
SUE: What's your number?
DAVID: It's 297-6421.
SUE: 2-1. Maybe that's why she didn't call you. Let me call her back right quick and tell her. I'll call you right back.
DAVID: No.

Act32

GLEN HONEA: Hhuhnn??
JOHNNY WATSON: Kay. Kay Sanford?
GLEN: No, she don't live here. Who is this?
JOHNNY: Oh, this is an old friend of hers... John Johnny Watson!
GLEN: She don't live here no more.
JOHNNY: Do you have her home phone?
GLEN: No, I don't have her hone. Thank you! Bye!
JOHNNY: Uhhh? UUAUGGH!!

MIKE: Hello?
LEROY: Hello, is Mike there?
MIKE: He heh this is Mike heh, what's goin on?
LEROY: Oh not too much. Howr you tonite?
MIKE: Alright, who is this?
LEROY: Who?
MIKE: Uh huh.
LEROY: Uh, it might be called an old friend, y'know. Were you asleep?
MIKE: Ize about to crash, yeh. Uh, what's goin on, man, who is this?
LEROY: Friendly old chap, wouldn't you say? I mean, I don't mean to bug ya, but it's just that uh friendliness has to be given out, you might say. Flourished among the land? If I've disturbed yer, I totally apologize! But I just thought maybe, maybe at the time you'd be, you'd be hip for a little conversation, y'know. Whatdya say, Mike?

MOM: Hello?
LEROY: Hello, is Don there?
MOM: No, he isn't. Don?
LEROY: Yes. Done. When do you expect him, please?
MOM: Yes, Don's here. Dyou wanna speak with him?
LEROY: Sure.
DON: Hello?
LEROY: Hello, is this Don?
DON: Yeh.
LEROY: I've been trying to reach you all week-end!
DON: Who is this?
LEROY: This is Leroy. Do you remember? Hello, Don?
DON: (peeved) What????
LEROY: You weren't busy, were you?
DON: Yeh, I was eating. Whatdyou want??
LEROY: I've been trying to reach you in...
GGIB: Hello, who is this?
DON: Hello?
GGIB: This is this is the FBI.
LEROY: Hhnn Nnuhn.
GGIB: We've been we've beentrying to get this man for a long time now. We have his number and uh we''ll get him to stop bothering you.
DON: Yeah, okay.
GGIB: Calling calling your number all the time. So uh.
LEROY: But Don! Tell them the truth!!!!
GGIB: We don't care anymore!