Tuesday, 26 July 2011

A Jail Of Two Twitties

I thought I would do a bit of a blog about the phenomenon of #Twitterjail. As you may or may not be aware I am a bit of an expert on this cold, dark soulless place – it’s the place where the bad boys & girls of Twitter go – whether they are a serial offender, a Twebel without a cause or just bored stiff and feeling the need to tweet A LOT.

For those of you who do not know what #Twitterjail is then let me explain. For a good reason Twitter has set a limit on how many tweets you can do in an hour and day. The reason is those dreaded Spambots and cockknockers who tweet you all shit about “I saw this bad thing in a blog about you”, or pounce if you mention Star Wars, Gary Glitter or the nameless one – let’s call him – Justine Beaver. Now nobody wants to have to face those terrors, well unless you actually crave company that much that you declare you are a Bel-eaver (see what I did!), who is sitting down watching Star Wars, while listening to Leader Of The Gang and ordering v1@gra off a dodgy site. I can totally see why Twitter does that.

However, their system also stops the chatty Tweeps of Twitter – people like me, who can easily bash their 114 Tweets Per Hour no problems – and as a result I get temporarily suspended from Tweeting for usually an hour, occasionally a lot less and often a lot more. This leaves you with the option of DMing – which people can miss anyway, or the clever option I used – setting up a second account – in my case @gazabelljailed

Firstly let me combat some myths you might have about why you end up in #Twitterjail. People have asked if it’s because I swear so much. The answer is no – there is not someone at Twitter HQ sitting there waiting for me to drop the F-Bomb right in yo’ jive ass faces so they can clamp me in irons and haul my Sweary Ass away. It is not because I mention sex or wanking either, in fact I reckon if there was such as person they would be getting off on such tweets and would be wanking themselves silly- which would make “Stopping The Rapture” a lot easier!

The reason I get sent to #Twitterjail so often is simply because I @reply everyone who tweets me, unless I miss their tweet. If you counted my many tweets you would see that I don’t actually tweet open tweets for everyone all that much – maybe 10 an hour – the bulk of my tweets are because I get into a conversation with someone, usually some smutty banter, ripping someone on the telly or just general chit chat, and I soon find myself racing up to the limit. You still might think that is excessive, but I have over 1600 followers and will reply to anyone who tweets me – even if only 114 of those followers tweet me & I reply to them all in an hour I would be jailed.

Some people suggest that #Twitterjail is fun – I am usually okay in there now. Think of me as Twitter Fletcher – I do my time, keep my nose clean, but still have fun while I am in there. However, for the newbie Twitterjail can be a scary place, which with the shower bummings, cavity search by Johnny Longfingers, Twitter food (Mainly eggs) and that Governor who will only let you out if you….erm how shall I put it?....perform a small service on him (*wipes mouth*). There are some perks though – I mean some say I look sexier with bars across my face, and there is always the blonde guard. There is the banter you get off people as well. If I had a pound for everyone who told me not to drop the soap I would currently have £364. I do like the way that people will offer to help. I like the way that people believe me when I say if the tweet #FreeTheGazabellOne I will get released quicker. I don’t like people saying they will sneak a file into me though – I hate doing admin so do your own paperwork. All in all though Twitterjail is not that fun, and I sometimes have to worry that even @gazabelljailed will get sent to #Twitterjail. I suppose there is always @gazabelljailedjailed if that happens.

So why don’t I give you some facts about #Twitterjail then?

You will be Twitterjailed if you tweet approx. 114 Tweets in an hour or 1000 in a day

You can be DM jailed too – I think its 250 per day and DM jail is a longer sentence (24hrs)

Sentence is usually 1hr in length – it tends to be shorter during the day, and longer between 7pm-2am

Stay away from Twitter Ives – he is ‘Orrible

Take some posters of your sexiest followers – I tend to while away the wee hours using a poster of Dame @WinceyWillis1 wearing one of her 80s jumpers whilst pushing a helicopter over a map

If you are not partial to a spot of bumming use soap on a rope. If you are then shout “Ooops” and bend over often

Beware of Big Alice – she has a right hook on her!

If you hear drunken singing don’t worry it is usually @TMCPhotographs – she controls the booze racket on the Women’s Wing

If you are attempting to escape #Twitterjail then don’t fake a heart attack. ALL of the wardens remember Lizzie from Prisoner Cell Block H and won’t be fooled.

Lesbians give fantastic hugs

You can get conjugal visits if you ask the right person so fill your boots

Don’t get hooked on Twitter Smack – it is lethal!

Those facts should be enough to help you through those early days in Twitterjail anyway, and if you are ever in there pop up and see me – I’m on the top floor near Twitter Grouty. Knock before you enter though – you never know what I am up to ;P