Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Once again my wife brought some insight to me without realizing it. She was complaining that I was gone all the time now and wasn't around to spend time with her very often. I started to think about it, I had counseling 2 nights a week, support group once a week, and then various meetups one-on-one or more scattered throughout the week. It was enlightening to see such a change from how I used to be.

My wife and I have always been home-bodies. We'd stay home most nights and watch shows or play computer games. Even in college and high school, you could find me reading a book quietly or working on some computer project or playing computer games in my room. Sure I went out with friends occasionally but I still preferred being by myself. I did find solace in online computer games for a while...they consumed a good amount of my time. I've been tempted lately to go back to them because they really are fun but the amount of time required makes it not fun anymore.

And now I feel so much more comfortable with myself that I want to get out of the house. I want to be around people. I don't want to be alone in my room doing my own thing anymore. It's so different, so foreign to me....and yet even more crazy to me: others want to be around me too!

After thinking about this I can conclude that maybe because I was not comfortable in my own skin, I stayed in my room, stayed alone....and now I feel so free, so at peace....that I can get out and meet people. It's quite a contrast.

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comments:

Amen to that. One thing I told my Grandma when she had her latest "jump down my throat" attack a few weeks back I said I actually have a social life now of sorts. Heck I moved in with roommates voluntarily! There have been so many changes to my demeanor that it is quite amazing. A pretty big jump from sitting alone in college, and keeping to myself.

I think it is because before our lives were pretty much dead, our spirits weren't bright. After deciding on transition and pushing through with it our spirits have came alive again because we have something to live for now.

Now am I still pretty shy? Definitely but the changes lately have been amazing regardless. It is really funny how at this point in our lives that you and me are actually on a parallel path, me I've been taking hormones and pretty much transitioning even if it doesn't involve clothing changes YET, and you haven't started hormones but are transitioning.

I don't know how prevalent social phobias are among folks like us, but for me, becoming Leslie allowed me to set aside my social anxieties for the first time. I literally didn't know I had it in me to be open and social. It seems to cement the idea that this is how I should've been all along.

I think a big part of the phobia is that we don't feel like we belong. I mean for the MTF we aren't guys so that changes how we react with guys, and with girls we aren't considered girls so were treated like a guy friend rather then a girl friend. For me it felt like I was trapped between worlds and that makes being socially active pretty hard!

Is it just me or am I the only one who focused in on the wife's feelings of sadness as you have begun to spread your wings? I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer here, but she's obviously communicating with you that she misses, well...you. You being gone and finding happiness elsewhere must be tearing her apart inside, and it's only a matter of time before it materializes outwardly.

I know how you're feeling right now. It's refreshing, even exhilarating, to experience your true self and how easily it is to be a socializer. And I know how painful it feels to have to remove who you really are to put on the mask that you've worn all your life.

It's not easy for both of you. Perhaps you're wife would be interested in joining you on social outings in some capacity. It sounds like she just wants you.

Lori does raise a good point, this has to be really hard for her. What you two may want to do is set aside some time to just talk about everything, see where each of you stand with each other. See what you two can do to maintain a relationship of sorts. Even if the worse happens and a divorce occurs at the very least you two could be good friends with an understanding between each other.