Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers
Amanpreet a bet. “Let’s say we bet $50.”
Amanpreet agrees and they’re off.
They do a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his
ball into the rough on the 9th. “Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he said to Jon.
After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball carries a four-point penalty,
Amanpreet pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my
ball!!!” he announces.
Jon looks at him. “After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together, you’d
cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”
“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”
“And you’re a liar, too!” Jon said. “I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your
ball for the last five minutes!”

In a long line of people, one guy suddenly starts massaging the back of the person in front
of him. The person turns and asks, “What the hell you are doing?”
“Well,” says the guy massaging your back, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I can’t help
massaging your back. I can’t help practicing my art.”
“Are you crazy?” the other guy said, “Look, I’m a lawyer. Am I fucking the guy in front
of me?”

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his
colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and
disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he
said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

A lawyer’s wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, “Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice.”
Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, “You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!”
Through his tears, Murray croaks, “You don’t understand! They left out the phone number!”