About this Website

Welcome, my name is Meghan and I'm Gabe's Momma. I created this site during my pregnancy, for friends and family, as a place for them to visit to find out how we were doing. Now it has become a place to share the story of our son through pictures, information, and my blog. After going through the hardest experience of my life, my desire is to bring hope and honesty to others going through the same thing. And so we begin...

When we were five months pregnant, our son was diagnosed with a fatal condition called Bilateral Renal Agenesis. This condition, also known as Potter's Syndrome, means his kidneys never formed. Our specialist urged us to terminate the pregnancy, trying to comfort us with the fact that there was no way he would live. We were told that if he was born alive, we would only have moments with him. My husband and I instead chose to carry him to term, allowing God to decide the details surrounding his birth and death. Gabriel was born at 36 weeks on August 21st, 2009. He lived for two glorious hours before leaving this earth to be with Jesus. His short life was filled with love, he was held and cherished before he peacefully passed away in our arms. He will forever be our son, our angel.

"Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and goodbye in the same day, would be worth the sorrow."

Receiving a Fatal Diagnosis

I found out on my birthday that my husband and I were expecting our second child. He was ecstatic, I was shocked. We soon realized we conceived only six months after the birth of our firstborn. Physically, the pregnancy was great from the beginning. No crazy cravings, no significant morning sickness. But as I neared the sixteen week mark (which when I felt my first baby move for the first time) I kept telling people, "I'm not feeling this one move!" Everyone told me it was too early, but I guess instinctively I knew something wasn't right.

All the doctor's appointments went smoothly and we were scheduled for our big 20 week anatomy scan. We had our ultrasound with a wonderful technician who was warm and talkative. I remember her delight that we were a married couple with a very wanted pregnancy, and that my husband was a teacher and that I stayed at home. She soon grew more quiet as she pushed harder on my abdomen as she searched. I remember growing anxious in the silence that fell upon the room. After a few moments, she was kind enough to let us know there was very little fluid around the baby, although she was unsure of why and what that could mean. We were then sent to one of the doctors at our midwifery practice who explained that maybe my water had broken prematurely, but that the worst case scenario was that the baby had something wrong with its kidneys. We were then immediately sent out of town, to see a specialist. It was there that we received another ultrasound and the earth shattering news that our baby had a fatal defect, no kidneys and no bladder. The official diagnosis was Bilateral Renal Agenesis, otherwise known as Potter's Syndrome.

The specialist was smart but lacked compassion, like most doctors. He was very technical in his explanation and tried to reassure us that it was just luck, or lack thereof that caused this issue. Very clinically, he described the lack of guilt we should feel about terminating the pregnancy, because there was no way our baby would survive this condition. I remember it took me awhile to comprehend that an abortion this far along in a pregnancy would still mean a birth. There wasn't a magic wand he could use to make it all go away. It would mean I'd take control of the situation, would be admitted to the hospital, and would meet my baby boy now. Or, I'd leave it all in God's hands and allow him to dictate when I'd meet my son. Meanwhile, this precious baby I'd already felt moving and kicking inside, would have more the gift of life for a few more months. It was only our faith in our precious Heavenly Father who gave us the strength to continue down the harder road of carrying a baby full-term, knowing we would be going home empty-handed.

The rest of my pregnancy wasn't easy. Making funeral arrangements is something that no pregnant woman should have to do. But everyday we tried to be grateful he was still safe inside, and somehow cherish this time with him we did have. We were given a few more ultrasounds during this time of waiting and were told our baby is "probably" a boy. We knew from our research, that Potter's Syndrome is much more prominent in baby boys. Kyle and I had chosen the name Gabriel Dean months before knowing that our son would soon be an angel. Just one of the ways God showed us that He had been here through the entire experience.

From our research, we learned that it is common for Potter's babies to come early - anywhere from 26 to 40 weeks, with the average baby coming around 32 weeks. Kyle and I tried to make every preparation possible for Gabriel's arrival. The hospital bag had been packed with outfits and blankets for Gabe, a mold kit to take imprints of his hands and feet, and other essentials. We had been attending the "Labor of Love" (Infant Loss Support Group) and had meetings with our midwifery practice, along with our hospital, to discuss our birth plan.

Along the way, we had many miracles. Gabe was in the transverse position for most of my pregnancy - lying not up and down, but side to side. We were told that I could only deliver vaginally if he moved head down, or (more likely) butt down - into the breech position. I was told because he had very little fluid, that he wasn't likely to move at all. But, during labor, that little butt did move down and I was able to avoid a c-section.

Meeting our Son

I woke up several times during the night, which had been my routine for the last few days. Every time I was startled awake with the pain of a contraction, I stretched to see the clock on Kyle's side of the bed. I remember thinking that it should have been like 4am by now, and I realized that with each contraction it was still in the twelve o'clock hour. I started to feel like tonight was the night, but, let's be honest, I had had that feeling before. When it actually was 4am, and I had been up often throughout the night, I thought maybe I should stay up and time the contractions. I got on the computer to get my mind off the pain and quickly realized the contractions were coming about every 5-6 minutes. I knew they had to continue coming that close apart before it meant that it was time, so I waited until 5:30 to wake Kyle and let him know I was calling our midwives' office. At this point, I was also really sick to my stomach, which I knew was a good sign that this labor was real. My on-call midwife called me back and told me to come on in. I immediately called my mom to come over so she could be with Joel.

I decided I wanted to get in the shower and be as pretty as possible for Gabe's birth, knowing there would be a lot of pictures. While I was getting ready the contractions were coming consistently three minutes apart. My mom arrived and Kyle and I were on our way... In the Jeep on the way over, the contractions were coming every two minutes. I remember thinking, "why is the road on the way to the hospital so bumpy?!" The car ride was silent, as were both praying on the way over. I was praying for strength just to get through the experience.

At 7am, Kyle dropped me off at the ER exit to go ahead and start the checking in process while he parked the Jeep. As I walked through the door of the check-in area, I immediately got a contraction and began to cry. I was not even crying because of the pain, but because of the realization of what was happening. Luckily, there was a nurse standing there talking to the receptionist and she helped me breath through the contraction while I was hunting for my ID and insurance card. Soon, Kyle arrived and I remember hearing the receptionist say while I was having another contraction, "They're coming less than a minute apart." She called up to Labor and Delivery to stress that someone needed to come down and get us asap.

My nurse for the entire experience was the one who came down with the wheelchair to retrieve Kyle and I. I was in a lot of pain, but was able to breath through every contraction. I had so much more control of the pain this time, compared to my birth experience with Joel - where Pitocin was involved. They put us in our room and immediately began prepping me for surgery, since it was likely that Gabe was still transverse and I would need a c-section. There were so many people in the room all at once, getting my IV started, obtaining lab work, putting stockings on my legs, etc. My contractions were coming about 2 to 3 minutes apart, but I remember at least one time that I had four in a row. I welcomed every second my body gave me in between to rest. My midwife checked me and said I was about 4cm and that she thought she felt Gabe's butt, but that the doctor on-call would have to check me as well.

At 8am, the doctor examined me and agreed that he thought I was about 4cm and that he could, indeed, feel Gabe's butt. So, although Gabe was transverse for many months, my contractions had successfully brought his butt down the birth canal to allow me to have him naturally. I was told I wouldn't need the c-section! I remember my nurse, my midwife, and Kyle were all so ecstatic and I said that I was happy too, but that I just couldn't show it due to the contractions, ha. We all decided I would like an epidural asap and by 8:30 the doctor was there prepping me for my pain relief. After I was feeling much better, I remember Kyle and I both praying silently once again. Now I needed the emotional strength to get me through...

At 10:15am I was checked again and found to be 9 and a half cm! Holy crap, I couldn't believe it! Although I was almost ready to start pushing, we were waiting on Teresa, our photographer, to arrive and my mom was still waiting on Joel to wake up from his morning nap. They allowed me to wait until 11:15 to start pushing and Teresa came just in time! I pushed through three contractions and Gabe was born at 11:28am. Because he was born butt first, Kyle was able to announce his sex before he was even completely out! I am pretty sure that everyone in the room was crying when he arrived - myself, Kyle, my nurse, Gabe's nurse, the midwife, the doctor, and our photographer. It was an amazing moment. The room was filled with mixed emotions of sadness, joy, relief, and love.

They immediately put him on my chest and allowed Kyle and I to admire him for as long as we wanted. This was very scary for me. He came out blue, not moving around much and at first I wasn't even sure if he was alive - as they were not monitoring his heart rate during the labor and delivery. I quickly realized that he was taking little breaths and he even let out a cry. He was also making these adorable puppy-like sounds every so often. After about ten minutes of just staring at our son, I asked that he be cleaned off and the nurse did an amazing job. Kyle carefully watched as the nurse bathed our son for the first, and last, time. Kyle and I were quickly ready for everyone to come into our room and meet Gabe, not knowing how much time he'd be with us. Kyle's parents and brother, and my sister and father all filed into the room. It sort of felt like everything was normal. We had our baby and we wanted to introduce him to those we loved. We were all so happy, and yet consumed by grief. My grandmother came soon after, and thought Gabe was the most beautiful baby in the world. She spoke to him very sincerely, telling him that our Pappy would be greeting him in Heaven and that everything would be alright. We were all bawling by this point...

About an hour after Gabe was born I started noticing that he was getting chilly already and the space in between each breath was growing. This was, by far, the hardest part of the entire experience - realizing my son was slipping away and that my time with him was almost over. There are no words to describe how painful it was - my heart literally ached in my chest. We think that Gabe passed away around 1:30pm - two hours after his birth. The doctor did not come in until about 1:50pm to officially declare him gone. My mother and Joel came to meet Gabe around 1:15pm, and Teresa was able to capture some amazing shots of Joel and Gabe together.

We held on to our baby boy until 6:30pm, so we had a total of seven hours with him. This moment was also really difficult. Kyle and I both understood that Gabe was no longer in his body and that his spirit was in Heaven, which was very comforting. Yet, at the same time, this little body was all we had - so it was hard to give it up.

Later in the evening, we were informed that it poured down rain from about 11 to 11:30am earlier that morning. My dear friend told me that when she found out Gabe was born at 11:28am, she knew God had been weeping with us during that time. Amazing... And we were told by many, many others about the double rainbow that appeared later in the day. So many people were touched by the obvious sign from God.

We were fortunate enough to have family and friends surrounding us during this day. Every single hospital staff person we dealt with was absolutely incredible. There are no words to describe how thankful we are for everyone who helped us get through this day. So I'll just say - Thank you. It is our prayer that his life would be seen as a sacrifice - that he lived and died so that Kyle and I, and many others, would have a stronger faith and more passionate relationship with Jesus Christ.