Well, this is equal parts weird and sweet. Colin Farrell told the Ellen show (via USWeekly) that he and Elizabeth Taylor became acquainted after he sent his best wishes to her through her manager when they were both at Cedars Sinai years ago- Colin for the birth of his son, Henry, and Liz for a stent in her heart. Afterward, he says the two were thought twins and sent each other flowers, and he went on to chronicle the relationship between the two that followed.

A week later, Farrell asked if he could visit her. “I asked Danica, and she made some calls, and I got to have an audience with her,” he told DeGeneres. “And that was the beginning of a year and a half or two years of what was a really cool [relationship]. It was kind of like the last — it feels like in my head, not hers, I’m projecting — but the last kind of romantic relationship I had. Which was never consummated.”

Farrell went on to detail their late-night phone calls. “It was really cool, and she wasn’t much of a sleeper at night, like I’m not, so at two o’clock in the morning, I’d call her,” he said. “I’d call her at two in the morning, and the nurse would answer the phone, and I’d say, ‘Is she awake?’…And then I’d be on the phone and I’d hear, ‘Hello?’ And I’d go, ‘How’s it going?’ And we’d talk for a half an hour, an hour, into the wee hours.”

“She was a spectacular, spectacular woman. I wanted to be [husband] number eight, but we ran out of road.”

Wait, what? Is that how it works? We can call relationship dibs on whoever we have the most poignant phone conversations with? If that’s the case, the annoying telemarking company with the blaring cruise ship horn will need to put a motherfucking ring on it because our romantic tango of them calling and me screaming, “Fuck off!” is as poignant as it gets.

Before you all start throwing tomatoes at my ass, I know Colin meant that the connection he and Liz built over two years was deep and beautiful (and as touching as this Craigslist ad). It’s sad he never got to be Liz’s Love Potion Number 9 at the altar. Colin’s lasting love for Liz is also a great motivator for staying on the wagon, lest he finds himself drunk and high on Lindsay Lohan’s doorstep, begging her to put on her bootleg Lifetime Liz wig so he can get a taste of how life could have been in another time and place.

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