A Solution for All Your Unsolicited Peen Woes

If WikiFeet is a new site to you, please read my post first. It’d mean a lot to me.

In episode 56 of my show I mentioned a writer and comedian named Sarah Benincasa. She wrote a book called Real Artists Have Day Jobs.

Awhile back on Instagram she posted a photo of her entry on WikiFeet, which is an open source wiki for images of celebrities’ feet. A couple people were appalled and her response was, ‘It’s just a site for foot fetishists—nothing wrong with that.’ So, you know, A+ for her on that front.

This was my introduction to WikiFeet, which of course I had to share with Walter and he instantly had an idea.

WikiDicks. :extravagant hand gesture:

It’s not what you think, though. Or maybe it is.

It’s a site where people can send aaaaall the unsolicited dick picks they get and then, like WikiFeet, they can be rated from one to five stars.

There could be a second rating for quality of the photo, because there’s a skill to taking a shot of your junk.

There are problems, yes. Like if it’s a really good photo and a really attractive dick (that still doesn’t make it okay to send to someone without their permission), then people would be stealing it to send when someone requested a dick pick to find out what they’d be getting.

So this conversation would become common:

‘Hey, how’d that date go?’

‘It didn’t. I asked for the dick pick and he sent that SAME WikiDick I’ve got from the last three guys. I don’t have time for liars.’

‘You know, one day, that actual dude is going to send you a pic of his actual dick and you’re going to turn him down. Imagine—that dick with those photography skills and you’re going to miss out.’

One set of ratings on WikiFeet.

There could also be user-submitted pics, if they wanted tips on how to take a better crotch shot or were simply looking for a rating in general. That would be a paid service.

Because we’d need to make money to fund the massive number of servers we’d be operating.

I could totally see groups of women cracking open a bottle of wine or four and cackling over the stories of the unsolicited cock-shots. Because that would be part of the fun—the story behind the photo. ‘This was this guy’s opening salvo—his salutation, if you will. No words, just a blurry shot of…this. Luckily, he then included eight more angles in case I didn’t get the message of the only thing he was offering. Not a word did he type, though. For I did not need to know more. And he was right!’

I’m sure gay men would have a great time with it, too. Oh honey, would the gay men enjoy it.

There could be tags! Like keywords, so if you were in a mood to see a whole bunch of five star photography level, veiny cocks with a slight leftward curve, there you go!

Strangers around the world have provided them for you. With comedy commentary.

Another set of info. Guess who I searched for.

There could be a third rating, as well. ‘Ability of user’ or ‘cocksship’ or something. For those who’d tried out said appendage. It would be difficult to verify actual contact, of course, so all reviews of that nature would have to be taken in the of spirit of camaraderie. Or some other gender-neutral term for people exposed to unwanted cock. Cockraderie? ‘We’re all cockrades. Putting up with unsolicited dick in the inbox. Pass the wine and let’s gripe.’

Inevitably, dicks would be recognised. ‘Wait… that’s my ex. He was such a douche, always sending his dick out to everyone and had that birthmark that looked like Texas. Let me tell you—it’s a nice piece but he just lies there.’

Others would be okay with this. ‘Yeah, but I’m into that… do you still have his number? Private message me.’

WikiDicks could work on many, many levels, I’m telling you.

Of course now, someone is going to contact me and say, ‘Oh, this is a real site—it just has a different name.’

I pre-emptively respond to that with: WHY ISN’T IT CALLED WIKIDICKS—THAT’S THE PERFECT NAME.

{I used male pronouns for the cock-owners throughout because it seems unlikely female cock-havers are throwing it around without consent.}

{This originally appeared in an abbreviated form as part of the My Submissive Life segment of episode 58 of The Pageist podcast.}