In Arizona, a woman ran over her husband with an SUV because he didn't vote for Romney. Well, on the bright side, Obamacare covers treadmark removal.

Scientists report that, in 70 years, global warming will make it impossible to grow coffee. Good. Then maybe the warming fanatics will finally be able to calm down a little.

Hamas has said that Israeli air strike in Gaza which killed Ahmed Jabari, the head of its military wing, "has opened the gates of hell". Just making it easier for Jabari to get where he needs to go.

On Benghazi, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta said, "in order for us to be able to move quickly, we have to have some advanced notice that something is going to happen." Leon... September 11 was on the calendar all year.

During a fawning press conference, one reporter gushed, "I've never seen you lose." Yeah, except for $5 trillion or so.

At his press conference, President Obama said, "I hope and intend to be an even better president in the second term than I was in the first". Setting the bar kinda low, isn't he?

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel said he's cracking down on the caloric content of vending machines in city buildings and plans to replace them all with healthy vending by next year. Isn't he worried that helping people live longer will reduce voter turnout?

A Denny's franchise owner said he'll have to add a 5% surcharge to his customers' bills to cover increased costs due to Obamacare. Well, Obama said if you like your insurance, you can keep it. Didn't say anything about your breakfast.

During a speech in DC, AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka called the fiscal cliff a "manufactured crisis". I doubt that. When was the last time DC promoted manufacturing?

A Pennsylvania teen with "Sleeping Beauty Syndrome" slept for 64 days straight. The State Department has reportedly offered her a job as head of embassy security.

On NPR, newscaster Karl Kasell laughed and made jokes about the demise of Hostess Bakeries. Well, he just blew his chance of ever having Michael Moore on as a guest.

Liberal economist Paul Krugman has called for a return to the 91% income tax rate on the wealthy that prevailed in the 1950s. How about for we shoot for the 1950s $270 billion national debt level instead?

A new study shows that MSNBC ran NO negative stories about President Obama during the last week of the campaign. Well, that would explain the pom-poms on Chris Matthews' desk.

Attorney General Eric Holder said he will remain on the job only "for about a year". That should be enough time to finish all the necessary document-shredding.

-- Fred Thompson

General David Petraeus's biography by Paula Broadwell soared on the bestseller lists Friday. Their affair cast suspicions on all biographers and their subjects. Doris Kearns Goodwin went on five talk shows Friday to deny that she's been sleeping with Abe Lincoln.

Israel moved Israeli troops to the Gaza border Friday in response to a rocket attack by Hamas. The Hamas military commander was killed by a drone as he sat in his car on the side of the road. It's yet another reminder never to let your AAA membership lapse.

President Obama supporters sent petitions to the White House website calling for any Americans advocating secession to be deported. Where will they go? What country on earth is going to take a bunch of rich, loud-mouthed white people who know their rights?

President Obama issued a proclamation declaring Thursday to be America Recycles Day, urging Americans to recycle paper, cans, and bottles. In honor of America Recycles Day he blamed Hurricane Sandy, the Benghazi raid, and military adultery on President Bush.

Hostess Bakery plants shut down Friday due to a workers' strike. It was split up. The State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

The White House website received petitions of secession after Obama's re-election last week. Self-deportation isn't happening. President Obama was elected president two weeks ago and so far Hillary Clinton is the only American who has moved to Australia.

Mitt Romney caused a storm Tuesday when he said Barack Obama won re-election because the president doled out gifts to Democratic interest groups. Kids got student loan forgiveness, women got free birth control. However, urban voters may feel a bit deceived when they hear that Black Friday does not commemorate civil rights in America.

Hostess shut down bakery plants and went into bankruptcy Monday due to a bakers' strike. The judge ordered mediation. Eighteen thousand workers could soon be collecting unemployment and disability, which today is known as winning the lottery.

Bill Clinton flew to Ireland on Monday where he gave a paid speech at the University of Limerick. They have a statue of him swinging a golf club in the Limerick town square. It's only right that President Clinton be honored in the town that's named for dirty poetry.

President Obama gave a big hug and kisses to Burma's democracy leader and Nobel prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi. He repeatedly mispronounced her name. Burma was once a province of India so if the Teleprompter was broken, tech support is a local call.

The World's Biggest Liar annual contest was held in a northwestern English pub this week. It's the Super Bowl for storytellers. This year the winner gets an all-expense-paid trip to Washington to explain to Congress who changed the CIA talking points on Benghazi.

GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio ducked a question in Iowa asking him how old he thinks the earth is. Some say ten thousand years and some say four billion. The only thing we know is that California has had a little work done and it's older than it looks.

L.A. Airport was blocked by public sector union marchers trying to shut down holiday travel. It was for a living wage. A living wage in L.A. consists of enough money for the iPhone, the BMW payment, and a little something to pay down the debt to the coke dealer.

Hillary Clinton helped broker a cease-fire between Hamas militants in the Gaza Strip and the Israelis on Wednesday. Doves still won't fly near the place. What does it say about a peace agreement when two hundred people were killed in the celebratory gunfire?

-- Argus Hamilton

More problems for General Petraeus. After searching the home of his mistress Paula Broadwell, the FBI said it found classified material on her personal computer. In fact, agents said she had more information about Benghazi than our U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice, okay? We should have talked to her.

President Obama today pardoned the White House turkey and then the turkey forgave him for the bad economy. So it worked out nice. Thought that was nice.

As you may have heard, our economy is headed towards what they call a fiscal cliff unless President Obama and Congress can reach some sort of compromise. And President Obama is in a tough spot. Because the Democrats did so well on Election Day, he's running out of Republicans he can blame this on.

-- Leno

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Just wanted to let you know - today I received my 2013 Social Security Stimulus Package.

It contained two tomato seeds, two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, two discount coupons to KFC, an 'Obama Hope & Change' bumper sticker, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my ass and a 'Blame it on Bush' sign for the front yard.

Trump does not represent the will of the people. If we really wanted to respect the decision of "the people," then Clinton would be the president-elect, not Trump, for the simple reason that she won the popular vote.