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Monday, 5 March 2012

A Stranger's Intuition

The night was as cold as hell. Well, not literally, as hell has a tendency to be rather warm, but it was bleakly bitter and the scene has now been set, nonetheless.

I was on my way to the car after a late evening of stealing office supplies, and then rearranging the stationery cupboard to disguise the fact that anything had been taken. It’s tiring work, waiting until everyone else has gone home and then taking enough staples to secure a bear to cliff face with. I couldn’t wait to get home and put these ill gotten wares on eBay. Taking photographs of each individual staple to ensure integrity, and then listing each one as a separate item would be hard work, so much so that I was thinking of taking the rest of the week off sick just to get it all done.

Fumbling for my keys in my pocket, I scouted around the car park for my vehicle. The place was completely full this morning. Now there was only my car and another vehicle with its headlights on. In fact, I noticed that the other car was slowly coming towards me. A blue Mitsubishi Colt was heading through the gloom, straight toward me.

Feeling a little exposed, I moved to the side and pushed my iPod headphones further into my ears, trying to drown out the approaching engine sound with the soothing tones of N Dubz. I turned away, slouched further into my coat in an attempt to make myself invisible, and marched onwards, despite being blatantly aware that this ominous vehicle was pulling up alongside me.

What kind of person approaches a stranger in a secluded car park, late at night? There’s only one kind of person who’d do that, a madman. Probably the kind of madman who thought that a Mitsubishi Colt would make an ideal mobile corpse container. In the show room, it probably looked perfect for transporting his victim’s bodies around, but on reflection, it just doesn’t have enough space in the boot. Not without the use of a woodchipper, anyway. Maybe the salesman threw a free one in, just to sweeten the deal. I’m so screwed!

After walking for what seemed like 700 years, it became impossible to plausibly pretend not to have seen this man, especially as he had now wound his window down and was leaning out at me. If he was a stabby murderer as I suspected, this would only make him angrier. Murderers don’t like to be ignored. I took the headphones out of my ears and turned to face my inevitable doom.

“I have the money.” Exclaimed the car man.

Perhaps I’d got him figured all wrong. Perhaps he was just a lonely millionaire who needed to brag about his wealth to a random stranger.

“That’s nice.” I said, searching for an appropriate response.

“Here’s half now, half later, as agreed.” He replied, extending an arm and dropping a rather expensive suitcase on the floor. Without further invitation, I scooped up the case and tried the lock, which opened straight away. My maths has never been excellent, but I estimated that was approximately eleventy-billion pounds in there.

“Fifty now, fifty after you’ve let her go.” I recounted the money again, but I was sure there was a lot more than £50 in there. Perhaps this man was worse at maths than me.

“Let who go?” I enquired as I shut the case with an authoritative slam.

“The girl”

It took a few seconds to process, but I eventually understood what he meant. You see, Whitney Housten had recently died, and since then, I’d been listening to her albums nonstop in a desperate bid to have her back in my life. Her tragic end had left a gaping void in my life, one which could not be filled with breakfast burritos or stealing from work. However, this money will help to heal that wound and help me to move on. This stranger must have known of my pain, and decided that only the means with which to purchase a luxury Tuscan villa would help me get my life back on track. His charity is greatly appreciated.

“You’ll let her go tonight, as agreed?”

“Well, it’s all a bit sudden” I responded, still staggered by the man’s intuition and charity “But I’ll do my best.”

“You’d better, you bastard! You don’t want the cops involved, do you?”

Already taken aback, I was taken further aback by his change in tone. Then, I realised this was simply an act of tough love. He was purposefully insulting me so that I wouldn’t feel obliged to give back the money. What a dear, sweet, caring man.

“Don’t worry. I won’t go back on our arrangement” I reassured the man, and with that, he sped off into the night. Bewildered, I climbed into my own vehicle and spent the whole drive home wondering what I was going to do with the money.

This morning I called the office and told them I was leaving the organisation. I don't need their paper clips any more, I'm a man of wealth! Right now I am packing my suitcase for a round the world cruise, which I expect to be on for the next six months. I can’t believe my run of good luck! Especially so, as a woman’s body was discovered in a car park last night, which was only round the corner from where I work! That could have been me! It's certainly a sobering thought when you are so close to where someone was killed, and really puts your own good fortune in perspective. Still, you can’t let these things get you down, especially when you have an all inclusive trip to look forward to. I’ll see you all in the Autumn!

The mood for this, reminded of those 1970's detective series with the voice overs, like 'Kolchack'...but without the detective...or the solving of crimes...or an explanation...and a conclusion. But it did have mystery and suspense and most importantly, it was bloody hilarious!

Dammit. Every time. Every time I get suckered in thinking, "where is this very sincere, true story going?" And boom, I get the beat down of hilarity. How, I beg you for an explanation, HOW is a Mitsubishi Colt not an ideal mobile corpse container? Or is this just more in your campaign of sarcastic satire!?! Devil. By the way, what the hell is cliff facing?

@Chiz - Since the Credit Crunch, we don't use currency anymore. Everything works on a sexual favour bartering system, which means you have to queue for ages in the supermarket.

@Ash - The next time I see a bear, I'll attack it with a stapler and let you know the outcome.

@Lily - Yes, there's a lot it was lacking, but who cares? I'm rich!

@Greg - I don't know, I hear there's a lot of animals that can kill you in Australia. You can keep your poison dolphins thanks!

@Stefan - Thank you very much.

@Pickleope - Cliff is facing 2 years inside and a ban, due to dangerous driving. As for the Colt, there's just not enough space in the boot for a multitude of corpses. Get a Ford Kuga instead. That's the correct choice for the serial killer who is dedicated to his craft.

I did not see that twist coming. This is amazing, and hilarious, and very clever. Also, fun fact, my mother had a blue Mitsubishi Colt, and it's not just a bad car for disposing bodies, it's a bad car for anything. Driving, being seen in, etc.