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Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Xanax and other drugs

In the first few days after B died, I persisted in a state of numbness. I think it was my brain trying to protect me from the soul crushing grief that had just invaded my life. There was this pervasive feeling of not living, but merely existing. There are few memories of these days, but one thing I do remember is how many doctors tried to get me through the grief by prescribing me something.

The list went on and on and on as they tried to bring me out of the hole I was sinking into. Looking back, while I appreciate the effort, nothing was really going to help except bringing B back. Since that wasn't going to happen, I guess everyone figured the best way to fix me was to trick my brain into thinking it was happy. It might have worked too, if not for the amputation of a part of my soul. For a while, I subsisted on xanax and coffee. The OTC sleeping meds worked for a while too. Then I used food as my drug. Then sex as my drug. Not the best at helping one to feel better about themselves, but for the moments before you started to feel really crappy, it was awesome.
Then it was almost like misery was my drug. I was relishing in feeling awful. Then came therapy. Equipping myself with the tools to move forward. It took me almost 7 months to do it. I had tried online groups and in-person groups, but sometime, they just made me more sad. It was nice to know that I was not alone, but I need not just support, but advice on how to move forward. Blogging has been a wonderful drug. Knowing that I am getting my story out there and giving a perspective on grief that is different is an amazing feeling.
It was love that brought me to this journey, and love that will get me through it. My friends and family who were willing to share in my grief with me. They listen, and love, and hug, and support me and the boys no matter how many times they have heard the stories before. They have handed me tissues and held my hand in silence while I was sobbing so hard that no words would come out. They have held my hair back when I was puking from drinking so much to drown out the sorrow. They are the one constant that was there then, and is still there now, even when my life is in complete upheaval.

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