I was a 29 year old mother of three who had spent eleven years with my love. I was widowed. This diary begins five years after his death. I hope to capture the memories of this journey. The lessons. The joy. The sadness. The humor. The faith. The hope.

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Monday, April 12, 2010

CHANGE

Continuing with yesterday’s thoughts, I would like to share one piece of inspiration… one time of being willing to believe.

A little over a year ago I was driving alone in the car, coming home from the temple. As I drove, I had the distinct impression that my time in New York was coming to an end. The mere thought of such a thing caused me to immediately begin to cry. I love my home. I love the east. I miss my family – and have often over the years since Chris’ passing considered relocating near them – but fear and the ease of life in an area that is mine has kept me from making that move.

As I drove home that day, unable to stop the tears, I knew. I knew I would need to do it now. That I could no longer hide out in my comfortable world – but that the next stretching of mind and soul was quickly coming.

It took me two months to be able to reflect back on that impression without starting the uncontrollable tears. And once I had reached that milestone, I was still unable to speak the words.

All of this was interrupted by my son’s declining behavior. His circumstances certainly made it easy to believe that leaving my home was the right decision. We were not thriving as much as we were surviving.

Once the changes were made with him – my thoughts again began to reflect on the where and the when of this change. My mind (mostly) felt as ease – knowing that when the time was right – I would know where to go and when.

Mid-summer I was looking at a map of the United States and looking at where my family members and in-laws live. I had never paid much attention to the location of my one sister who had moved from Phoenix to Boise, ID just a couple years before. As I looked at her location on a map I realized she was very centrally located to the rest of my family. I went on realtor.com and started checking out real estate prices in the area. I was pleasantly surprised that they were such that living there would be realistic for me (thanks, I am sure to the recent crash in real estate prices). I kept it as food for thought, and went to bed. I woke up the next morning – so sure that this was where I was supposed to be. The feeling was overwhelming that Boise was my location. I felt scared, excited, and overwhelmed all at once.

I knew where…. I was just left with the question of when.(I will say… I am still in NY – but if anyone would like to buy my house and if someone else would like to offer me a job (preferably as a TV Personality… hey if I am going to ask, I am going to ask for what I really want!)… I will be on my way. Oh, and double that would even be better – as in the last few months I have a girlfriend who will now be joining me.. so someone buy our houses… and offer us jobs. Please. In the mean time… I am home – and there is much good to do here)