Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

28-07-10

Dear Holly,There are two men at work who appear to want to sex me, but I can’t decide between them. One of them has a great body, sexy hair, and a chiselled jaw, but he works in the canteen and drives a Nissan Micra. The other is balding, has a paunch, and smells of bins. However, he’s an executive, and I am pretty sure he’ll buy me lots of expensive stuff if I let him touch my clacker. How can I decide between the two?Zilla,Cricklewood

Dear Zilla,If I were you, I’d steer clear of both of them. I had to make a similar decision when picking a partner for American country dancing, which Mrs Paisley sometimes makes us do at playtime because she’s about 700 years old and mental. I had to choose between Oliver French, who picks his nose and eats it, or Martin Fraser, who always has his hands in his pants. Suffice to say, I made the wrong decision, because I ended up with big grey bogies on my hand all the way through the Kentucky Mountain Square dance. Instead of making an impossible choice, I strongly advise you to pick a nice, clean girl as your partner, or even better, don’t let old ladies trick you into extra-curricular line dancing in the first place. Hope that helps!Holly