To the best of my knowledge, I have never kissed a republican. Icy cold lips are not for me. Hell, I’ve just never been that desperate. I won’t even let republicans into my house. I think I’d know if a girl was a secret republican. I have really good republo-radar. It’s not hard to tell. I mean, hey, they dress funny and they like Kenny Loggins records. They think Journey is rock and roll and the “art” of Thomas Kincaid belongs in the Louvre right next to ol’ smilin’ Mona Lisa herself. Some people think Elizabeth Hasselback, or whatever her name is, is a babe. Not me. The “I’m an idiot glow” ruins it for me. Kellyanne Conway? No way. No Truth or Dare for me. Besides, her teeth always look like they are about to fall out. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for that!

I really don’t get those couples where one is a democrat and one is a republican. How is this possible? My wife and I have talked about this. Marry a republican? No way. It’s a matter of human decency. I must confess that I have a couple of relatives that are republicans. Haven’t spoken to any of them in years. Last time I did, nasty comments about Jews were made. Then there’s the one who voted for Bush “because of the babies”; never mind that Dubya killed more babies in their wombs than any President in the last 70 years. He did it with his bombs and his environmental and economic policies.

But I ramble. If you think you are in imminent danger of kissing a republican, you might want to carry some of this gum around to get the taste out of your mouth. Personally, I think I’d have to get my blood changed.

2. The White Castle Candle

The holidays are always a time of great gluttony. The best gluttony. Believe me. America (with the aid of Russia and EXXON) has elected (more or less) an ill-mannered, greedy, gluttonous pigface to beat all and . . . .

Nothin’ says Christmas Love better than a whole bag of White Castle burgers! Vegans be damned. They can have the little packets of ketchup and relish. But what to do when you’ve eaten all those lovely little slabs of cow? You can’t keep that greasy paper bag and wrappings around forever, can you?

If, like me, you regard the smell of White Castle as being right up there with the smell of gasoline or Testors Glue, the solution is as plain as the grease on your face: the White Castle Candle!

Now what I want to know is: Does the same company make a Raccoon Roadkill candle? Do they also make a Staten Island Dump candle? It could come with a sound feature that loudly plays nothing but screaming seagulls. I'd buy dozens and hide them in deserving people's offices.

3. The Menorasaurus

Since Hanukkah starts late this year (December 24th), it's not too late for the next two fine gifts. Well, you won't actually be able to get them in time, but you can give your intended recipient a card that promises delivery for next year. And it's smart to order now, since both these special gifts are made to order, and that takes time. Of course, if you're eyeing the Grav Bong Menorah, you and your stoner friend have time, lots of time.

Available in a variety of other models

First, here’s a unique line of menorahs made by the Vanilla Studio in Portland, ME. Shown is the T-Rex version, Menorasaurus Rex. It also comes in a more placid Brontosaurus version, which would suit any of your vegetarian friends or relatives. It also comes in Triceratops and other dino models. And if you want something more modern, you may go for the hippo or elephant version -- there’s even a turtle one. But for me it’ll have to be the T-Rex. It’s just that I’m a T-Rex kind of guy. However, there was definitely a time when the next item on my list would have been my first choice.

4. The Bong Menorah

The horizontal shape fits easily on your tabletop.

You like your holidays high? If so, this one’s for you. Grav makes scientific glassware -- you know, beakers and such, those things you played with in high school chemistry and teabaggers use to cook the meth they’re obviously smoking.

Fortunately for stoners, Grav also makes a beautiful Bong Menorah. That’s right, it’s a working bong and a menorah! What'll they think of next? For a demonstration, see the clip at the top of this post. Weed not included.

Also, the thing costs $700, so you might want to consider that, after you buy it, you might not have any money left for weed! I guess you’ll just have to stick with using old cardboard paper-towel or toilet-paper rolls with aluminum foil. Whatever works. (I always loved to put weed into spaghetti sauce. It gets stronger by the day, by the way.)

5. The Bathe and Brew (Shower Coffee Maker)

Stands up to even the harshest dandruff shampoos!

What do you like to do first thing when you get up each glorious day? I mean after that. For me, it's take some pills, do some exercises and sit in front of the computer for several hours. How do you think I find these things anyway?

However, for most of you boring people, it’s either grab a cup of coffee or hit the shower. Now, you can do both at the same time! Take your shower while your coffee brews right in front of you! If you’re worried about soap getting in your coffee, please don't -- I'm sure someone somewhere makes a nice coffee-bean soap. You can go through the whole day smelling like a cup o' joe and everyone except Starbucks will love you.

Disclaimer:In reality, you just get the box (or do you?). It’s a wonderful empty gift box, perfectly designed to elicit forced smiles and phony Christmas cheer. You can keep it empty, or fill it with coal or diamonds: your choice. Whatever, it’s the thought that counts. But hey, if you just give them empty, the contents are more real than anything you’re liable to hear from any of your crackpot Fox-viewing relatives at your Christmas dinner table. So give it to them! They’ve already proven that a little imagination goes a very long way.

FINALLY, LOOKING FOR A GIFT FOR TRUMPF
VOTERS YOU KNOW AND HAVEN'T DISOWNED?

Here are two gifts that aren't commercially available (at least until FOX "News" starts up a home-shopping channel) but could be easily assembled in your own private Santa's workshop. I'm sure that neo-nazis next door will appreciate that you went to the trouble of making one of these just for them. Think of the hours of pleasure that any republican would get from either one -- or both!

1. A DVD box aet of "Classic Police Shootings of African-Americans"

This would be perfect for that crazy old uncle on your list who always thought police wielding fire hoses just wasn’t enough.