Cross Bones

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All Rise...

Judge Mitchell Hattaway looks nice but cannot act.

The Charge

An incredible treasure. A terrifying curse.

Opening Statement

Hey, can you hand me that gun over there? Why? Because I just found a barrel
of fish.

Facts of the Case

Three hot babes, a bad rapper, an ineffectual hero, and a horny idiot head to
a Caribbean island to film a reality television series. They accidentally
resurrect a pirate who pissed off some "filthy natives" (his words,
not mine) a couple hundred years ago and was consequently cursed to spend
eternity in "hell on earth" (their words, not mine). Feel free to go
ahead and start laughing.

The Evidence

Anybody out there own Dave Attell's Skanks for the memories… CD?
You know that joke he tells about making fun of someone so much you should call
them and thank them for all the fun you've had at their expense? Well, when I
finish typing this I'm going to call Daniel Zirilli. Who is Daniel Zirilli?
Daniel Zirilli is the founder of Pop Art Film Factory. Daniel Zirilli has
directed videos for numerous hip-hop and rap artists. Daniel Zirilli has
directed a number of straight-to-video movies, including such classics as
Voodoo Mardi Gras and Black Spring Break 2: The Sequel. Daniel
Zirilli is the man who co-wrote and directed Cross Bones. To this
sterling list of accomplishments you can add the following: Daniel Zirilli has
made me pray for the cold, sweet kiss of Death.

(For those of you who don't already know, the worse a movie is the more I
tend to tear into it in a very detailed manner. In other words, this review
might be a little long. With that out of the way, allow me to share my
pain.)

Cross Bones starts badly and gets worse. Flashbacks chronicle Red
Blood's (he's the pirate) bad luck streak during a fateful voyage through the
Caribbean (which looks an awful lot like the Florida Keys). First he pisses off
his crew, who mutiny and leave him to pilot his ship on his own. (This ship is
the crappiest pirate ship ever; it's actually a cheap, plastic-looking mock-up
that serves as a tourist attraction in Key West. To make matters worse, in long
shots it looks like it's only about twelve feet long.) Well, next thing you know
he is captured by the British and locked up. Not to worry, because soon the
jailers all come down with yellow fever, which manages to kill all of them in a
span of about ten seconds (why the inmates don't contract it is beyond me). Red
Blood (played by Joseph Marino, who cannot act) steals the treasure stored in
the jail, hops in a dinghy, and rows to another island (squint and you can make
out the logo of the Japanese company that manufactured the oars he's using). He
buries his treasure in a hole about eighteen inches deep and starts walking
across the island. That's when he runs afoul of the natives; see, they're trying
to sacrifice a topless chick (played by Temptation Island alum Maria
Santos, who looks nice but cannot act), and Red Blood kills one guy in an
attempt to steal the holy amulet the topless chick is wearing. Well, the natives
don't take too kindly to this, so they put a blood curse on Red Blood, a curse
which can only be reversed by fresh blood. (Oh, yeah, the natives are all
portrayed by fat, stoned, unknown rappers, one of whom is named Puddy Tat. I
swear.)

Anyway, jump forward to present day. A reality show producer named Martin
(Joseph Jones, who cannot act) is heading for a new shoot with his girlfriend
Audra (Survivor alum Jessie Camacho, who looks nice but cannot act); they
are riding in his Humvee, which is obviously not traveling but is instead being
rocked from side to side by a couple of crew members. They meet up with the cast
of Martin's new show, hop on what is supposed to be a yacht but is actually a
fishing boat, and head out to sea.

Included in the show's cast is Tony (Big Brother alum Hardy Hill, who
cannot act), the level-headed hero who pretty much does nothing. Then there's
Scott (Kevin Hawke, who cannot act), who spends most of his time bragging about
the size of his crank. Serena (Mayro Soto, who looks really nice but
cannot act) is the kindly veterinarian who used to be a cop but quit when she
grew tired of killing people in the line of duty. Tris (Kristen Ellich, who
looks nice but cannot act) is the bubble-headed blonde who wants to know if
she's allowed to bring her vibrator to the island. Melissa (Merlynne Williams,
who looks…ah, you know) is the resident bitch determined to win the game
by any means necessary. Last, and certainly least, is Greedy G (J-Shin, who
can't rap or act), a stereotypical, loudmouthed hip-hopper who comes across like
he's the bastard child of Stepin Fetchit.

Everyone stands on deck, drinks some Pabst Blue Ribbon, and dances to what
Greedy G says is his hot new single (but is obviously performed by a woman). The
cast is then introduced to Gus (John Sanzari, who cannot act), the show's lone
cameraman (I guess maybe this is a public access reality show). They reach the
island, where Martin gives them the tools they'll need to survive and shows them
the shoot's remote cameras, which are wedged in trees along the beach. Let me
tell you, these cameras are freaking amazing! Not only can they focus, zoom, and
record on their own, but they can also pan. That's right. One of these cameras
is wedged tight into the fork of a tree, but it somehow manages to perform a 180
degree pan and follow Tony and Serena as they walk along the shore. Ain't
technology amazing? Martin also tells them not to venture to the other side of
the island, but you just know somebody will.

Okay, so the women start building a shelter. How do they go about this? They
cut down palm fronds and stack them in a big pile. (Where's Mary Ann when you
need her?) Tony and Greedy G go looking for food. They eventually cross over to
the other side of the island (told ya), where they find the dormant Red Blood
lying in a pit. Tony cuts his hand on the pirate's knife while trying to grab
Red Blood's treasure map. Tony's blood spatters on the pirate. Red Blood wakes
up and eats Tony. Greedy G runs screaming away like a little wuss, but not
before managing to snatch the map.

Gus shoots footage of Tony and Serena, all the while encouraging Tony to
"tap that ass" (his words, not mine, although I agree with the
sentiment); Red Blood sneaks up on Gus and kills him. Greedy G makes it back to
camp and tells everyone what happened, but of course no one believes him. Greedy
G gives Martin the pirate's map. Night rolls around and Red Blood goes down to
the dock and climbs aboard the boat. He finds a lingerie-clad Audra in bed
asleep. Red Blood licks her belly, which causes her to moan with delight. He
then gouges out her eyes (damn fool). We then cut back to the island (where it
is broad-frigging-daylight!), where Greedy is loading his .357. Melissa wanders
off to pee. A few minutes later night falls on the island. Melissa doesn't come
back, so Tony goes looking for her, although he really shouldn't bother, as Red
Blood has already found her and slit her throat (damn fool).

Martin takes the treasure map and heads back to the boat, finds Audra, and
dumps her ass over the side. He then sails off. The others go down to the dock,
see Audra's body, and run back. Red Blood grabs Tris, but nobody seems to
notice. Serena and Tony run to Martin's control room, which is nothing more than
a pup tent containing a folding chair and a laptop computer. (Kind of puts what
Coppola used on One From the Heart
to shame, doesn't it?) Red Blood tells Tris he will spare her life if she
squeals like a pig; Tris does her best Ned Beatty impression, but Red Blood
reneges on his promise and kills her (damn fool). Tony finds an inflatable boat
and a motor. Red Blood sneaks up and grabs Greedy G. Red Blood orders Serena to
find him a boat so he can reclaim his treasure. Serena tells him about the
inflatable craft. Red Blood says he does not know how to pilot such a vessel.
Serena says she can. Red Blood slits Greedy G's throat and forces Tony and
Serena into the boat.

They set out, and Red Blood quickly forces Tony over the side of the boat.
Red Blood and Serena make it to the island where the pirate had left his
treasure. Martin is there, and he has already dug up the pirate's booty. Red
Blood finds Martin and skins him alive. Red Blood forces Serena to load the
treasure onto the fishing boat. Red Bloods tells her to set sail, but Serena
says the keys are missing. Tony suddenly shouts at Red Blood. The pirate turns,
sees Tony standing about ten yards away with the keys in hands (and looking
nothing at all like a man who just swam fifty miles), and goes into action. Tony
and Red Blood fight. Red Blood stabs Tony in the chest. Serena bashes Red
Blood's head in with a rock. Tony, bleeding like a stuck pig, tells Serena to
leave him. A crying Serena makes her way back to the boat. A skinless Martin
staggers up to her on the beach. Serena screams and runs. She makes it back to
the boat and sails away. The narrator informs us that Red Blood's body was never
found. Red Blood rises through the crimson waters and laughs into the camera. A
pirate rap plays as the end credits roll. (Whew, I think I need to lie
down.)

See, I told you it was awful. Cross Bones is the kind of movie that
gives no-budget filmmaking a bad name. It's sub-amateurish at every level. The
acting, writing, direction, and effects are atrocious. And the makeup! Halfway
through the flick the decaying-flesh appliance on Marino's neck comes unglued,
and he spends the rest of the movie looking like he's sporting a turkey wattle.
The photography is just as inept; visually the movie looks like it was shot by a
blind, one-armed chimp. (It was actually photographed by Neal L. Fredericks, who
died in a watery plane crash after principal photography had wrapped. No
disrespect to the dead, but if you gotta go, God forbid it should be while
working on a movie such as this. By the way, Daniel Zirilli was on the same
plane when it went into the drink, but he made it out okay. I'm now going to end
this aside before I say something really mean.) Bottom line: Cross Bones
blows.

The transfer sucks. The movie was shot primarily on Super 16, and the
picture is grainy, noisy, and washed-out. The footage meant to be part of the
reality show was shot on digital video; this is a marginal improvement over the
Super 16 footage, but it's nevertheless rife with motion artifacts and jagged
lines. The 5.1 track only escapes the center channel during the opening credits.
Other than that it's pretty much mono all the way, and rather weak, flat mono at
that. There's no life in the track whatsoever; the dialogue is buried in the
mix, with the exception of the laughable narration, which overwhelms the other
audio elements. For extras you get a making-of featurette which consists of
random footage of the female cast screaming and Joseph Marino standing in
shallow water while buckets of cherry Kool-Aid are poured over his head in what
I can only assume is an attempt to simulate blood. There is also a photo
gallery, which is nothing more than a series of random Polaroid snapshots, as
well as some trailers. Lastly, there is a commentary by Daniel Zirilli. Here's
the only piece of worthwhile information Zirilli imparts: Maria Santos pulled a
Melanie Griffith and had her chest surgically enhanced during production. (Yep,
88 minutes of talk and that is all I came away with. Yippee.)

Closing Statement

After I finished watching Cross Bones, I loaned the disc to a friend
of mine who refused to believe any movie could be this bad. Halfway through
watching it he called me and said, "This is the worst piece of [expletive
deleted] I've ever seen." There you have it.