Monday, August 27, 2007

Keeping The Man Busy, Week 1

Here's why athletic directors are frowning this morning...

Unfortunately, trying to give the cop a contact high never works: Arkansas defensive end Marcus Harrison has learned an important lesson. Actually, many important lessons. Namely, if you're going to drive, wear your seat belt. And don't speed. And have a valid driver's license. And don't take drugs with you. Really, though, if you're going to ignore all those rules, why not go all the way and hotbox your whip at the same time?

Harrison faces a litany of charges after learning all those lessons late Friday night, according to police reports. Apparently when cops pull you over, they get suspicious if your car smells like you've choked out a skunk or twelve. It's all there: Blunts under the front seat, ecstasy in his pocket, restricted license, no seat belt, and speeding (who speeds when they're high?!).

My favorite part is Houston Nutt's response: Coach Houston Nutt said Saturday that Harrison had violated team rules and would not play in the No. 21 Razorbacks' season opener against Troy on Sept. 1. Nutt said Harrison could face further disciplinary measures. Seriously? Felony drug possession and DWBAF (driving while blazed as fuck) might merit more than four quarters of suspension? Welcome to Fayetteville, or as Marcus Harrison calls it, NAZI GERMANY.

Thus concludes today's Herpetology 101 lesson with Professor Click Clack: South Carolina safety Emanuel Cook won't be with the team for the near future, after being caught in a car that contained a loaded gun. The state of South Carolina considers guns to be like alcohol, in that they're super-dangerous until one's 21st birthday. Cook, being 19, was still two years away from the magical date that imbues him with powers of discretion, so he was arrested and suspended from the university. Supposedly, neither the car nor the gun belonged to Cook, so TOBC has begun a tireless campaign to clear his safety's name without showing any disregard for the law.

Spurrier said the university's policy on guns is "a good rule. Got to treat those things like a rattlesnake."

Rattlesnakes will blow your brains out, and those of dozens of others.

One may certainly wonder what the hell Cook was doing with someone who had a loaded gun near the dorms ("My RA pisses me off sooo much!"). Awkward snake analogies aside, guns are almost uniformly invitations for serious trouble. While the specifics of the case make it sound like Cook will be back soon (did not have the gun on his person, no priors, is very good at football), he would be better off to discontinue association with his cohort. At least until his 21st birthday, anyway.

"Are you ready to behave yourself?" "Yes absolutely." "Then welcome back." "May I change my answer?": Wisconsin has re-suspended defensive end Jamal Cooper for "conduct detrimental to the team." Cooper was disciplined last season for poor academics, sitting out the opener against Bowling Green. With Bret Bielema's unusually assholish approach to discussing discipline with the media, it's unlikely that we'll ever find out what he did wrong. That will not stop us from rampant speculation, of course. My guess? Liquid heat in the players' jockstraps. Long live the Tri-Lambs, baby.

Worst. April Fool's prank. Ever: Penn State safety Anthony Scirrotto was cleared of most of the charges against him stemming from an April 1 incident. A judge ruled that there was no evidence to suggest Scirrotto instigated the brawl at a party that left fifty dead one student unconscious and at least another hospitalized. We applaud Scirrotto's decision not to announce into a microphone, "I, Anthony Scirrotto, will start a brawl forthwith, consequences be damned!" and then turn the tape over to authorities. He still faces a felony charge of criminal trespass, which is what you get when you show up to a kegger and respond to the request of $5 with a rainmaker to the face.