Thursday, April 27, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Federal authorities are running nuclear response drills at
MetLife Stadium in New Jersey. And what better place to prepare for disasters
than where they already take place every Sunday when the Jets are playing at
home?

Federal authorities are running nuclear response drills at
MetLife Stadium in New Jersey. Which means next week you can look online for
autographed game-worn army helmets.

The top U.S. commander in the Pacific says the U.S. needs to
strengthen its missile defense in Hawaii. To which Jeff Sessions is saying all
that for just some island in the Pacific?

The Pentagon is ramping up its space warfare efforts.
Apparently it is in response to the Trump Administration’s strategy of why stop
at just blowing up the Earth?

A survey says more L.A. residents believe there could be
rioting like in 1992 again soon. Although most are not concerned about the
possibility of riots since the Lakers didn’t even make the playoffs this year.

Researchers say whales “whisper” to evade predators. If that
doesn’t work they can try something just as useful, like hiding behind a sea
anemone.

A Swedish startup is using Artificial Intelligence to figure
out what dolphins talk about. The first conversation they translated was “Hey,
how about you people getting out here and cleaning up this mess you made in the
ocean?”

A Swedish startup is using Artificial Intelligence to figure
out what dolphins talk about. The first conversation they translated was “That
better be dolphin friendly tuna you are eating up there!”

In response to the proposed border wall, Mexico is saying it
may charge a fee to Americans trying to enter their country. Which for the
first time could result in Mexican authorities looking for people hiding in the
trunk going the other way.

The Private Suite, a remote terminal at LAX offers privacy
with no paparazzi to VIPs for a fee of $1,500 to $4,000. Which most people
would be more than willing to pay if it would just get them past the TSA
screeners.

A new BMW car reportedly changes color depending on the
owner’s mood. Which after they get their monthly payment bill, just like their
bank account it turns red.

Jonathan Demme, who directed “The Silence of the Lambs” has
died at age 73. His family says he will be cremated and served with fava beans
and a nice chianti.

A survey says a cashless society is getting closer. In fact,
it’s already here for the majority of Americans who have been pretty much
cashless since 2007.

ESPN will reportedly cut 100 air personalities because of
falling revenue. Which is bad news for fans who will see their favorite
announcers no longer covering demolition derby, horseshoes and ice fishing.

ESPN will reportedly cut 100 air personalities because of
falling revenue. Which brought a sigh of relief from the 5,000 other overpaid
former jocks and announcers who managed to keep their jobs for now.

ESPN will reportedly cut 100 air personalities because of
falling revenue. The announcers thanked ESPN for the opportunities to work
there, the chance to work with a great staff, and mostly for being able to get
out of Bristol, Connecticut.

ESPN will reportedly cut 100 air personalities because of
falling revenue. The network will save money on salaries, benefits and mostly
the monthly legal fees from all the sexual harassment lawsuits.

A Missouri 7-Eleven worker shot and killed a would-be robber
while outside on a smoking break. The store was so happy that they are
refunding the worker the $12.50 she paid there for the pack of cigarettes.

A Missouri 7-Eleven worker shot and killed a would-be robber
while outside on a smoking break. Which serves as a lesson for everyone who
should think twice about interrupting a smoker having their first cigarette of
the day.

A Missouri 7-Eleven worker shot and killed a would-be robber
while outside on a smoking break. That’s what happens when you upset someone
even more who is getting ready to go back inside and have to clean the Slurpee
machine.

Paris police revived a woman who was declared dead an hour
earlier by paramedics. Apparently they were able to detect the difference
between the odor of someone who has passed away or just not bathed recently.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin says Donald Trump has “no
intention” of ever releasing his tax returns. Mostly because that could get in
the way of his real intention to make as much money as he can by being
President.

Donald Trump’s proposed tax plan will cut the corporate tax
rate to 15%. Which means for most large corporations, compared to what they pay
now will be a 25% increase.

China has banned Muslim names like “Jihad” in an effort to
curb religious fervor. If they think that will quash religious idealism, they
have to think about what happened in Paris when someone just published some
offensive cartoons.

Pope Francis I gave a talk at a conference where he called
for the more powerful “to act humbly.” To which Wall Street bankers immediately
changed their behavior to lighting their Cuban cigars with nothing higher than
a $50 bill.

Donald Trump is giving talks where he tries to link illegal
immigrants with Chicago’s homicide problem. To which Italian-Americans are just
breathing a sigh of relief we aren’t still in the 1920s.

A report says NASA spacewalk suits are in short supply. It’s
getting so bad, the astronauts are told when they go outside to make sure it is
on casual dress Friday.

Kashmir has shut down all social networks for a month. Which
means people will no longer be able to go on Facebook and see all the selfies
with them holding signs saying “Send Help!”

Chipotle is warning customers about “unauthorized activity”
on its payment processing system. Which is different from the usual warnings of
unauthorized activity from Chipotle which usually pertains to their customers’
colons.

A study says illicit pot use and abuse is increasing in
states where medicinal marijuana is legal. To which the people are saying they
just want to see what it is like to get high when they aren’t sick.

China has launched its first domestically built aircraft
carrier. Apparently they decided to keep it after having no luck trying to sell
it online through Amazon.

A pet rabbit reportedly died on a flight from London to
Chicago. How ironic that it didn’t live to make it to O’Hare.

A pet rabbit reportedly died on a flight from London to
Chicago. The worst part is before it died, several witnesses reported seeing
the bunny dragged off the plane by its ears.

A study says the best way to get over a breakup is to do
something, anything you think might help. Which for newly divorced men might
mean painting their new studio apartment to match the couch that is the only
piece of furniture they own.

A study says the best way to get over a breakup is to do
something, anything you think might help. For men, that means going to the
store and buying a new limejuice container to replace the current one that has
been in the refrigerator 12 years.

A study says beer drinkers may develop irregular heart
rhythms. Usually right about the time after their 15th beer when
they are driving home and see the police cruiser lights come on in their
rear-view mirror.

A 6th grade boy in Texas was told to fix his
haircut or be suspended. To which people immediately requested transfers to
that school district if that was the biggest problem they had with their
students.

A woman gave birth to a baby while visiting a zoo in
Nebraska. The embarrassing part was that she was rushed to the giraffe exhibit
so it could be shown live over the Internet.

An Illinois couple who were married for nearly 70 years died
40 minutes apart from each other. When the husband was told his wife had
passed, his last words were “I win!”

An Illinois couple who were married for nearly 70 years died
40 minutes apart from each other. The worst part is that he spent his final
minutes on Tinder seeing how many times he could be swiped right.

R. Kelly is being sued by a Mississippi deputy for allegedly
having an affair with his wife. Kelly’s defense is that there is no way he was
involved unless the deputy was married to a 14 year old.

JFK’s diary that was written in post-World War II Europe has
sold for $718,000. It would have been worth more but it didn’t contain any of
the good stuff that happened after he met Marilyn Monroe.

Tennis pro Genie Bouchard says she thinks Maria Sharapova
should have been banned for life. Which means that she has just found out
Sharapova is her first round opponent at the French Open.

Tennis pro Genie Bouchard says she thinks Maria Sharapova
should have been banned for life. She thinks it would send a message about drug
use, show no favoritism to the better players and save the hearing of half the
tour.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have cut the league’s first
Lithuanian player and replaced him with the first African. The only question is
whether the transaction should be handled by the agents, management or the U.N.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have cut the league’s first
Lithuanian player and replaced him with the first African. Although there was a
little anxiety for a Pirate coming from Africa until players were assured he
wasn’t from Somalia.

Former NBA Commissioner David Stern says “Shame on the
Brooklyn Nets” for resting players in the final game that had playoff
implications. Although there was more shame that the starters even needed any
rest after finishing 20-62.

Marissa Mayer will reportedly get an out-the-door package
from Yahoo of $100 Million. She not only went out the door, she took the door,
the carpet and the kitchen sink.

Twitter shares went up 10% after better than expected
quarterly earnings. Ever since Donald Trump was elected, more people are using
Twitter so they can actually follow the start of World War III in real time.

Utah Representative Jason Chaffetz will be out several weeks
to have foot surgery. Following the investigations of Hillary Clinton and
announcement he may resign, the surgery is needed to repair the damage from
repeatedly shooting himself in the foot.

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz told a Senate Committee the
airline is working to “regain our customers’ trust with the highest quality of
service and deepest level of respect and care.” And who says corporate CEOs
don’t have a sense of humor?

Ann Coulter has pulled out of an event at UC Berkeley,
calling it a “sad day for free speech.” As opposed to the rare day for free
speech that would take place if Coulter actually ever gave a speech didn’t come
with a huge speaking fee.

Donald Trump says he doesn’t want to fill all the vacancies
in the federal government. Which is ironic as most people use the term “vacant”
when they refer to the person who works in the Oval Office.

A poll says 36% of voters would reelect Donald Trump as
President. Which is a coincidence as that is exactly the same percentage who
elected him the first time.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am on the jokes
today, even though I don’t feel that great. Which now shows me how the rest of
you feel by the time you get to this same point every day. Still I carry on,
waiting for my eventual reward which happens when you all remember to always
keep on sending the love!