Why Women Sleep Less and Stress More than Their Partners

Is equality for the sexes a close reality or a distant dream? It depends on who you ask, and on where you look. On the one hand, American women are making huge strides when it comes to closing the gender gap, especially in the collegiate and corporate world. But, on the other hand, women are still overworked and overwhelmed when it comes to managing their work/life balance.

In fact, even though women enter the workforce with more education than their male counterparts and with nearly equal pay, a recent study has found that their wages tend to decrease over the years when compared to male counterparts. Researchers believe that this is largely because women take on the brunt of childcare responsibilities, and that requires them to take time off from their jobs in order to raise their children and care for the home.

Even women who work full-time alongside their partners still tend to take on the bulk of the household responsibilities. Known as the “second shift,” it’s a social phenomenon in which women not only have to work a eight-hour shift outside the home, but they also have to work a unpaid and often thankless shift at home in which they cook, clean, and care for the children while their male partner gets to rest and relax.

Understandably, such as setup is quite unfair and frustrating for women…and the good news is that the tide is changing. Recent data has shown that men are more willing to help out with housework than ever before, and 70% of young men and 80% of young women say that they desire an egalitarian relationship with their partner. In other words, they want a relationship in which they are both equal partners with equal responsibilities both inside and outside the house.

However, even though men are more willing to vacuum or run to the grocery store, it seems that women’s second-shift is far from over, at least when it comes to childcare. Women still take on the bulk of the parenting responsibilities, both when it comes to driving kids to and from soccer practice and school, and when it comes to taking care of sick kids or catering them through the night. In fact, a recent study found that mothers in dual-income households are three times more likely to get up in the middle of the night with crying kids than fathers are.

In other words, not only does Mom still do more work, but she is also getting less sleep. It’s easy to see how this can negatively affect her relationship and her sex life. Exhaustion and stress will sap her libido and her energy, and she might also find herself feeling resentful towards her partner. Meanwhile, he is probably frustrated and feeling unappreciated as well, as he thinks, “I already do more around the house than my father ever did, but it’s still not good enough for her!”

The situation can easily feel like a ticking time-bomb, especially as the sex and affection all but disappears from the relationship. Couples feel like platonic roommates who are squabbling over who has to wash the dishes rather than like two connected and passionate lovers.

There is no easy solution to this problem, especially because the gender gap is so deeply embedded in our society and has been for thousands of years. It’s not going to change overnight, especially when so many couples still resist the idea of complete equality in their marriages.

For example, many women still believe that only they can best care for their children and their partners can only “babysit” when it’s absolutely necessary. They resist their partner’s help even when it’s offered and refuse to allow him to step up as a father because they wrongly believe that “Men don’t know what they’re doing when it comes to kids.” Sadly, men start to believe this as well, and they start to distance themselves from parenting and hands-on childcare. “Ask your mom,” they say, as they content themselves with watching television or reading the paper.

It’s time to change the way we think about men as fathers and as co-parents, not only for the sake of overworked mothers and left-out fathers, but also for the children. A society in which men aren’t afraid to pick up a crying baby or bandage a scraped knee is a huge step forward for all of us. It means that relationships will be more peaceful and women will be less overscheduled, and that the kids will have a team of loving, involved parents rather than one stressed-out mom and one zoned-out dad.

Accomplishing such an egalitarian society won’t be easy, but we can start right now. First, we have to change the way we talk to fathers and about fathers. It’s time to stop mocking them as inept or incapable when it comes to parenting, and it’s time for everyone from doctors to advertisers to start including dads in the conversation. It’s not only Mom who should be in charge of making all the parenting decisions, whether it’s about vaccinations or which peanut butter brand to buy.

It’s also time for moms to start allowing and encouraging dads to step up, even when they think “He can’t do it as it as good as I can.” Let him do it his own way—even if it’s different than your way and even if your ego tries to tell you that your way is better. Not only will it give you more downtime and more time to relax and focus on your own needs, but it will also give your partner the chance to be a full-fledged parent rather than just a distant observer in his children’s lives. And that’s a battle worth fighting for!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Laura Berman, PhD

Laura Berman, PhD, is a leading sex and relationship educator and therapist, popular TV and radio host, New York Times best-selling author, and assistant clinical professor of ob-gyn and psychiatry at the...read more