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Note: This is a guest review by Baby Chino, who was left behind while I visited Canberra. The grumpy views posted here are his alone. He wanted the title of the post to be: Café Vyve – A Real Muesli Review as No One Really Likes Miss Muesli (Especially Her Terrible Titles). Rude.

While Miss Muesli is traitorously eating muesli in Canberra, it’s time for a real assessment of the state of Melbourne muesli. Turning a scheduled service of a lemon of a Suzuki car named Coco into a family affair, Madam Marmalade (?), Lady Sourdough (??) and I decided to eat breakfast in a café named Vyve in Heidelberg somewhere (possibly…I think…it was near the Austin Hospital at least). The café was pretty nice and we were able to sit in the back that looks up over a green tree-y area and see the trains on the Hurstbridge line go past, so pretty nice. The servers were nice and inoffensive (as they should be), however a family with small screaming children arrived (a chronic problem in Melbourne cafes), scowling I ordered:

First off, as no one really like fruit, I palmed off the salad as quick as I could, I mean who wants to eat a fruit salad for breakfast? Secondly, not being asked what spread I wanted (tut tut), I was given honey for my crumpets, which looked a bit pale compared to the lovely orange of Golden’s Crumpets we all prefer (that’s ‘organic handmade’ stuff for you). The muesli was presented in a little salsa jar, which I have to admit was pretty novel (however as I think back on it, what audacity they have for making me open the jar lid myself). Smearing the on honey and eating the crumpets, I found them to be pretty good, if a little dry. As for the muesli itself, it was wet with some sultanas and almonds mixed in, which to be honest, was a little bland, so for better or worse I poured my remaining honey into the muesli. The honey added a sweetness to the sour lemony taste of the muesli, which I finished eating as the others ate whatever it was they had ordered. All in all, I guess the muesli was alright but I, like everyone under the age of 60, don’t really like muesli anyway.

On my first observed Labour Day in five years (thanks, Melbourne Uni) and probably my last for quite a number to come (thanks again) I decided to venture out to Kensington to sample the muesli that Fruits of Passion has to offer. I embarked that morning with a light heart and a special smugness that only comes from knowing that many of my friends and family were being forced to learn or work while I would be triumphantly stuffing my face at breakfast with not a care in the world. Suck it, academia!

Fruits of Passion can be found nestled next to Kensington train station on Bellair Street which is a leafy and inviting location – especially on a languidly sunny public-holiday. Inside, Fruits of Passion can only be described as being proudly Melbourne with a pop-culture tic. Trams and suburb names share the walls with newspaper clippings of sensational stories; bright artwork sit alongside large mirrors and (most likely) faux flowering vines extend down from high ceilings. This is the second instance of ceiling plants I have encountered and instead of screaming “uber-quaint-trendiness here!” these gave off more of a pleasant, welcoming, eccentric-aunty feel. The brick walls, mirrors and concrete floors give the place a very cool, open and airy feel which is most appreciated in the midst of an Autumn heat wave. I very much enjoy the Fruits of Passion decor, it even has a mezzanine! Perhaps. Not really – it has maybe three steps to a higher level so you feel a little elevated – but mezzanine is such a romantic word that I thought I’d include it.

Anyway, myself and company were seated in this elevated area and only after poor Baby Chino suffered the always hilarious indignity of a self-inflicted pants wetting (the classic full-glass-in-lap story) could the menu be considered. I was the black sheep of this occasion as Lord and Lady Marmalade, Ms Sourdough and Baby Chino all eagerly ordered the pancakes. I stayed true and asked for:

Bircher Granola Muesli with Mixed Fruit

I am only slightly paraphrasing here as I don’t recall if it was ‘Bircher Granola’ or ‘Granola Bircher’ and was too caught off-guard by the proposed fusion of these two types of muesli to encode the actual details of the fruity accompaniments. With bated breath I received:

I’ll admit at this point I was having some post-traumatic-esque flash backs to Dr Dax and the fruity mess I was served there. I did not let my trepidation deter me from my task and on first bite found this muesli to be quite sweet – and not in a forgivable yoghurty way but akin to the way that you know Fruit Loops transgresses against your enamel and insulin profile when you eat it. Perhaps that was the granola – oats toasted in honey and oil – and perhaps it was all of the honey drizzled over everything. I was disappointed at the lack of yoghurt to give the tart creaminess that I enjoy with my oats. The muesli was an oaty mush of a dish either due to this inadequate amount of yoghurt; or perhaps to a lack of commitment to milk-pouring leading to this muesli falling short of the more traditional-cereal plane of liquidity. I did enjoy the banana (as I am a Miss Weet-Bix and Banana in my life away from the glamour of the breakfast world), raspberries and blueberries. I think I even detected the odd raisin (or perhaps it was two sultanas stuck together). These, however, were not enough to absolve this dish from the heinous crimes of nut negligence and apple abandonment – the omissions of two vital ingredients in a Bircher muesli.

This was an exercise in confusion. In trying to make a “Bircher Granola” Fruits of Passion took the worst aspect of granola – sweetness – and did not balance it with the tartness of yoghurt and apple. My hopes were such that this would be a gateway to reviewing granola, but frankly all the Fruits of Passion muesli has done is put me off.

Final Word: Fruits of Passion disappointed me with this muesli. In such a lovely setting I was left to watch, flushed with envy, as my company devoured their sumptuous pancakes – which I would definitely come back to try.