Mom seems to have given up on herself. How do I help?

So, before she fell and broke her hip, my 73 yr old mother was very independent. She'd let me help her with cleaning the house and carry her bag when she went to dialysis, but most everything else she did on her own. When she hurt herself and went to the ER, we were told she should be fine, that the surgery and a stay at the rehabilitation facility should only be for a few weeks before she's back on her feet. It's been 7 weeks, she had a bout of pneumonia which was caught very early and treated. She also had a high heart rate for awhile, though they seemed to have brought that down too. Mom has made it very clear that she hates it at the facility, the food is bad and she just wants to go home. She says she'll be doing better if she were home. Her weight has gone down significantly, at 97lbs. She fights against doing her therapy, she doesn't hardly eat anything at all, and she sleeps in the bed all day and doesn't really seem interested in getting up. And just recently this week, her hearing has gotten incredibly bad. They are flushing her ears out to some effect, but it gets back to the point where she can barely hear anything people say. I'm very worried. This isn't like her and I want her to take better care of herself and do what she needs to do to get better. I can only visit her once a week because I don't drive and a family friend has to take me. I have no money of my own, (I've been living with my parents my whole life) aside from what I get from SSI. Another thing to note. Mom and I recently (2016) got my "father" taken away and put into an institution. He treated us horribly our whole lives with mental and emotional abuse. So I'm positive that her having feeling of hopelessness is a lingering effect from dads conditioning. I am the same way, but I try to keep myself distracted to get my mind off things. I think mom has been given too much to worry about in a short span of time. I'd love it if she could come home, but I lack the ability to take care of her in her current state. I don't know how to help her.

Answers

Your mother is recovering from hip replacement surgery that occurred not even 2 months ago, & attending hemodialysis 3x/wk ( I assume). End stage renal disease effects many functions of the body. Chronic anemia & brittle bones from calcium imbalance are two conditions brought about from kidney failure which is contributing to her slow recovery. Give her time. She is in rehab but goes to dialysis treatments that no doubt wear her out on those 3 days. Usually rehab sort of forfeits dialysis days for exercises depending on her hemodialysis schedule and her level of fatigue the days of or the day after hemodialysis. Renal disease also affects one’s immune system as well, thus she is more prone to infections. I would try to reassure her that it takes time to recover from hip surgery and to try to tough it out while giving her lots of encouragement. This would be a good time for you to evaluate your future plans as well and see if there is an option for you to keep living in your mother’s home after she passes. Folks on this forum are much more knowledgeable about this subject than I. I wish you both well. It’s best your mother stays in rehab until she improves and is able to go home safely. But on the other side of the coin, be aware this may not happen and she may have to stay in rehab & eventually end up in a skilled nursing home. Lots to think about, I know.

I have no idea what a UTI is, so I don't know. Yea, she's about average in height so the weight loss is a problem. The nurses say she doesn't eat enough to be "filling" she just has a bite here and there, then wants to go back to her room and sleep. She has a friend, which is the one I get rides from, who does the talking to her doctor and such. The pneumonia really knocked her down, I know that. She just can't get back up now.

She doesn't want me to move out. That's not the issue. She wants to come home with me. So I don't think there's any resentment, or at least if there was she's an expert actress. I do hear the nurses there say how much she talks me up and that "I'm a very good son." Even if I don't currently feel like it.

She often asks me how the house is, I've been trying to clean it up since she left (Among other things, dad was a hoarder so the whole downstairs family room is filled with junk. I finally managed to clear a path through some of it but there is a lot of work to go. We also have two cats and a dog whom we adore. She did seem to perk up a bit last week when I brought him in to visit (Her hearing problem had already started by then.)

I'm actually worried about living on my own for an extended period. I'm not as independant as mom is. I do have PtSD from the way dad treated me for my whole 35 years of life, and the bad thoughts come most often when I'm alone and not doing anything. Nothing violent, just me shouting obscenities at myself ("Shawn you asshole! You dumb *pos*! Kill yourself!!" for example.) But my problems are vast and for a whole different site.

I don't want to give up on her. We went through this back in 2015 when she had a blood infection which shut down her kidneys. She died twice, and had to be put on life support but then she started pulling through.

Veronica91 the thing is, when she does do her therapy, they had her walking, at first it was only 12 steps, but most recently she made it to 20 feet coming and going. I don't think it's that she can't, it's that she won't. I think because she doesn't feel like there's any immediate improvement (that she notices), she becomes discouraged. and as she said a few weeks ago "there's always something wrong with me." Like she's really down on herself. Again, it's serious depression and though they gave her something for her anxiety, she still has a sense of 'why bother when it doesn't help?' mentality. I have never seen her this way and it terrifies me.

If I'm reading this right it has only been 7 weeks since the surgery and her recovery has been complicated by a brush with pneumonia and she also must deal with kidney disease and dialysis and possibly depression. I think the weight loss it what would alarm me the most, unless she is very short 97lbs is skeletal. Does she have a healthcare POA to liaise with the doctors and advocate for her?And since this is uncharacteristic, has she been checked for a UTI?

Am I correct in interpreting that you're living alone, in your mother's house? If so, I can understand her resentment.

She's faced some incredible challenges which probably have changed her self-concept drastically, and she's now faced with adjusting to a new life, in a facility she hates. If you're living in her home, I can understand her resentment.

I think that would be the first issue to address; can you find a place of your own? You write that you "have no money of your own", other than SSI. How are you paying for her house upkeep, for your own food, etc.?

Shawn you are correct about being concerned for your mother's health. At 73 she should have been able to make a full recovery from her hip surgery. However there is no guarantee that this will be the case for everyone. Hip replacement is a very big deal the older you get and requires a great deal of effort and dedication to achieve a full recovery. For some reason Mom does not have that determination and sad as that may seem it is still her life and her decision.Of course she hates rehab most people do, it is not a vacation resort and if you are of sound mind it is extremely depressing seeing others who are mentally worse than you are.The fact seems to be that you are unable to care for her which is no ones fault so don't feel you are failing Mom.Having major surgery with a general anesthetic can effect older people in many different ways. So far at 79 i have been fine but no one know the future. has she been evaluated for depression?As long as she doesn't have other health problems you can take food into her that she would like. There are suppliments that the rehab center could be giving her. A consult with a registered dietitian would be recommended. All you can do is stay positive and be there for Mom.

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