Beneath the glitz of much dating advice lies a cynical reverence for the power of packaging and promotion: “Women, be a vixen. Men, learn to seduce. Everyone keep your partner guessing. Lose weight. Be confident. Get out there more.” At the end of the day, this approach doesn’t lead to love. It leads to insecurity and desperation. Luckily, there is a wiser way.

If you’re looking for love, there’s great reason to be hopeful. As a psychotherapist who specializes in the search for intimacy, I’ve seen that healthy love is closer than we think—if we just change the way we look for it.