Sanctuary for the Abused

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

NEVER ASSUME YOU KNOW SOMEONE

by Natalie Lue

Over the past few days, a variety of things have had one particular word on my lips – assumptions. I’ve written before about the danger of holding assumptions that don’t have a basis especially when they haven’t actually got anything to do with the actual person, which you then in turn continue to base your perceptions and actions on, even when there is evidence that doesn’t support your assumptions.

The key times when I see assumptions creating issues is when:

We love and trust blindly based on assumptions which don’t hold true but we continue to ignore anyway as we prefer the illusion of the assumption.We assume that someone who we feel attracted to possesses the
values, qualities, and characteristics that some ‘we’ want to love
should possess. We think ‘Wow I love that we can climb mountains, play
football, and listen to John Mayer together’ and assume that makes you
life partners even though it turns out, you don’t have shared values.

We look at people or a situation and make assumptions about it, not stopping to sanity check our perception.A particular example of this is being with a guy and assuming
that he’s a pillar of the community, liked by everyone and it’s just you
that he’s a jackass with. But I’ve found on a number of occasions that
much like how we apply
a rosy glow and put people on pedestals, we apply it about their social
standing too, possibly because we believe them to possess qualities or
attributes that we think make likeable and popular people. What we may
not realise is that sometimes these people are tolerated or maybe even
liked, but not to the extent that we believe.

We make assumptions about how we think, feel, and act and assume that our partners think, feel, and act in the same way.For example, people often say to me that they know that they
wouldn’t do something so they assumed that their partners wouldn’t and
even when they discovered that they did do what they thought they
wouldn’t, refused to accept it. Instead, they became boggled by it or
even denying it.

We assume that when we communicate something that the meaning is loud and clear and that everything we intended comes through.In your mind, it makes sense and you hear you loud and clear.
However, often, it can be that you’re speaking Chinese, they’re speaking
French but you both don’t realise it and continue to assume that the
other party is understanding you and become frustrated when they don’t.
You’re assuming your communication style is understood or that it is
even shared.

We assume that our partners understand why we are p*ssed
off or hurt because we assume that people who love us and who want to
make us happy know when we’re not happy, why, and how to fix it.When they ‘fail’ to understand, we assume that it must mean that
they don’t love us as much or that the relationship is doomed because
they don’t instinctively know what your needs are…even if you don’t
either.

We assume that what we are prepared to give in a relationship
is what the other person needs because it’s what we are capable (or
what we think we are) of giving.Many of us give based on what we can give and assume our
contribution is right or valuable even if it’s not what the other party
needs. We can get very annoyed when our efforts are not appreciated even
if it’s not what they wanted.

We assume scenarios or things that our partners would do in a
hypothetical situation and get surprised when it turns out that
actually, they wouldn’t.We say stuff like ‘Oh well I know he wouldn’t have done that if
he hadn’t had A happen to him’ and then feel blindsided when he says
that he actually, he would’ve done.It’s important not to base too much of your life on assumptions to
ensure that you’re not just going through the motions of life reacting.

Not
assuming everything gives you pause for thought and you have a more
conscious, considered approach to life where you can be far more
empathetic because you truly put yourself in the other persons shoes or
consider them as an individual entity instead of looking at you both as a
unit that think, feels, and acts in tandem.

I found myself getting caught out by assumptions very recently where I
assumed that what I perceived about someone’s social standing and their
friendship was founded. A situation arose and I reacted based on the
perception only to discover that my assumption was very wrong.
This was an online situation and if you want to apply my experience to
your own, be careful of blind assumptions about online relationships and
things you see in the written word – it’s easy to knit them all together and make a person that doesn’t exist with a sandcastle in the sky.

I also spoke with a couple who had a misunderstanding and while
trying to explain their misunderstanding to me, assumption after
assumption kept coming up and each and every one of them was misplaced –
remember
that you are individuals and that if you put aside the assumption
making for a bit, you stand to really learn about each other and
appreciate each other’s perspectives.

In life, wedohave
to make a reasonable level of assumptions. In dating and relationships
for instance, you ideally need to go in with a reasonable level of trust
andassumethat it is well placed based on whatever initial perceptions you have.

Your interactions serve as a series of checks and balances – you’re
either going to increase your trust because not only are they meeting or
exceeding your assumptions, but they are giving you more reasons to
feel trusting.

Or…you start out with a reasonable level of trust and your initial
perceptions and you discover that the trust or perceptions are
misplaced.

When we don’t go through life adjusting our assumptions and
perceptions and applying our checks and balances, we end up loving and
trusting blindly, and operating off an illusionary point.

It’s like operating your life in a fog where you’re really having
relationships with your assumptions and reflections of how you’d like it to be or how you think it is, but not how it actually is.

And this is a good time to remind those of you who are partial to letting your imaginations run riot
– The danger of being someone who gets caught up in illusions is that
you’re not making assumptions based on perceptions of the person –
you’re making assumptions based on the reflection of your imagination.
Really, they could be anyone or you could replace them with a cardboard
figure – you’re not seeing them, you’re seeing your illusions which
makes it an assumptive illusionary relationship.

Part of what created my huge epiphany and changed my life forever,
was realising that not only had I dated yet another emotionally
unavailable guy in a barely there relationship for five months, but I
had assumed that if he had pursued me off the back of him ending a very
long term relationship, then he must want to be in a relationship.

In fact, it was not the first time I had assumed that if I was
pursued or whispered sweet nothings (nothing being the operative word)
to, that it must mean that they want me and are serious, when in actual
fact, they wanted me but were not serious or were serious about being Mr
Unavailables and assclowns. It took me five months to let go of my
assumption but my assumption had actually been challenged and shattered
about two weeks after we got together and he started blowing hot and
cold and easing his way out of whatever we had started.

If I had not only registered my discomfort but acknowledged it, I
would have realised that I was wasting my own time in my own little
assuming illusionary bubble.

I still have to make assumptions and so do you because you know what?
– We haven’t got all the time in the world to be questioning and
second-guessing every move.

We need to invest ourselves in relationships where there are shared
core primary values and mutual love, care, trust, and respect and there
are two parties living congruent with their values and being authentic.
At least then when you make assumptions, they’ll be honest ones grounded
in reality and when things shift or you have an error in judgement,
you’ll be quick to acknowledge and adjust your perception.

While sometimes letting go misplaced of assumptions (and illusions)
signals bad news because it turns out that the reality isn’t good for
us, the flipside is that letting go of misplaced assumptions frees you
up to enjoy reality.

If you’re making assumptions about your partner, not based on who
they are or your experience but on other partners, or other experiences,
and your beliefs, you’re missing out on the opportunity to get to know
them as they are, and at least make your assumptions on them.
Don’t limit yourself to a life based on assumptions that you don’t
challenge, especially if they’re negative beliefs you’re holding on to
and validating through a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In fact, don’t limit yourself or you will end up in limited
relationships with limited people having limited experiences based
on…you guessed it…assumptions.

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GENDER BIAS
Numerous men have come in here and been offended that the abusers are referred to as "he" in many of these articles. I want to make it perfectly clear that I am well aware of the fact that female abusers exist and cause just as much devastation as their male counterparts. The sad fact is that there are more male abusers than female narcissists, but domestic homicide is the leading cause of death in women surpassing cancer and car accidents. A woman dies at the hands of her significant other every 6 days, and when you look at the stats for the whole world it is even more bleak. Worldwide, a woman dies every day due to domestic homicide. One in 3 women will experience abuse in her life. It is a plague on society worldwide, causing devastation and ruining lives of men and women. Abuse is an equal opportunity scourge, abusers don't care what color, nationality, religion, age, health condition or socio-economic status, or gender the victim is, the only prerequisite a victim must have is a heart and empathy.
Replacing he or him with she or her as you read is simple enough. Please remember these articles are NOT written by me but shared as supportive information. Thank you.

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