I offer a mature and responsible attitude towards working, together with an adaptable approach, which means I can be immature and irresponsible whenever necessary.

I am a highly orgasmed individual, my attention to detail is exceptional and my speeling is second to none. I can work effectively under pressure, up to a g-force of 24.

Career Development

Dates:

Employment & Responsibilities:

1987 - Present

I have been actively seeking employment.

The recession hit my town earlier than expected. Much, much earlier. At least that’s what I put my twenty-five years of unemployment down to.

1986 - 1987

Pizza Delivery Guy - Responsibilities included delivering pizzas to people who ordered pizzas and also, to demonstrate my initiative, delivering pizzas to people who didn’t order pizzas.

1986 - 1987

Pizza Delivery Girl - As above, except - in order to obtain more tips - whilst wearing a rather fetching curly brunette wig and a low-cut top revealing a teasing taste of pec-cleavage.

1 Hour in May 1986

Shoe Shop Manager - Responsibilities included ensuring customers buy the right shoes for their feet and measuring their feet with the foot measurer thing. Responsibilities ended when the real manager came back from lunch and told me to get out of his shop.

Proofreader - Proffred ceveral teknical bokos aswe all nkow thear ar count less misteaks inn tem. I was sacked when I admitted I didn’t actually read the books as I waited for the film adaptations instead. Perhaps I missed the point but at least I didn’t miss the excellent C++ In a Nutshell: The Movie

1975 - 1978

Self-Employed Air Guitar Teacher - Taught Air Guitar to competitors of the Air Guitar World Championships. Unfortunately my students were useless as they kept breaking the strings and losing the plectrums.

I also taught Air Mandolin, Air Triangle and the rarely mastered, Air One-Man-Band. I practiced the latter so much that I couldn’t stand still or walk normally anymore. I was a ‘local character’ in my town as everyone recognised me from my dangerously unique arm and leg movements when I walked. Unfortunately, I was forced to give up my new walk as it severely interfered with my new hobby of Air Conducting; the poor Air Orchestra were all over the place.

1969 - 1975

Door-to-Door Inventor - Travelled door-to-door and requested which products people required and invented them on the spot. Yes, on the spot. My most notable inventions were:

1) Self-blowing bubble gum, invented at the request of local idiot, Timmy Thickstupidhead. Little Timmy could never manage to blow bubbles and was ridiculed about this even by people with no mouths; but my new self-blowing bubble gum had the potential to transform Timmy’s life as bubbles are ‘blown’ automatically once moisture is added. However, my invention was severely criticized by the local media after Timmy accidentally swallowed his bubble gum and tragically died after his insides were clogged up with ever-expanding bubble gum. I was very upset about this, because Timmy ruined my chances of selling my product and making a fortune. However, I’ve forgiven little Timmy, which I feel highlights the mature and responsible side to my character.

2) Mrs Pilchard of 31 Acacia Road requested that I invent a special button that makes door-to-door callers disappear. I did exactly what she required and yet she never paid me a penny. I was very annoyed about this once I’d made it out from the Nebulai-Kronos dimension.

3) Also invented a time machine, at the request of Squatter Jenkins, who was the most famous squatter in the east side of town because of his distinctively droopy butt-cheeks, which poked out from the bottom of his trouser legs. But despite his famous you-just-want-to-see-them-even-though-they-make-you-feel-a-bit-sick butt-cheeks, Squatter Jenkins was not a happy man; he yearned to go back in time to a regrettable moment in his life when he was walking to a bus stop, spotted a cat up a tree and inexplicably threw a brick at it. The cat fell out of the tree with a bump, along with two apples. The poor cat had a limp for life and a severe distrust of humans carrying bricks. Larry the bricklayer, a well-known cat lover, was the biggest casualty of the suspicious looks. He lost his confidence, lost his job and eventually lost his mind as he lived out the rest of his days trying to lick the back of his head. The two apples, if anyone’s interested, were eaten later that night by local fox, Fernando Ramirez, who despite his Spanish name and Spanish blood, was British born and bred. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting him you would’ve no doubt appreciated the marvelous contradiction between his strong Spanish countenance and his deliciously thick Somerset accent.

Anyway, Squatter Jenkins had regretted this inexplicable act of malice ever since and wanted the chance to put it right. So he used the time machine to go back in time and he made sure his earlier self walked past the cat in the tree without even a glance in its direction. And so the cat continued doing what he was doing and killed the sparrow that he was stalking. The sparrow was most disappointed as he now missed out on a life of fun and frolics including marrying his sparrow neighbour from the next tree, Mavis Jenkins (no relation to Squatter Jenkins). As a result Mavis Jenkins spent a lifetime having the feeling that she was missing out on something but couldn’t quite put her finger on it. Or rather, her wing on it. Poor Mavis. Meanwhile, Squatter Jenkins reached the bus stop earlier than last time, but unfortunately because of this, the bus accidentally ran him over and killed him. And so Squatter Jenkins disappeared from our reality. Which was a shame, as he hadn’t paid me yet either.

I was unable to make full use of my marvelous invention and rid the world of it’s many woes, as my evil nemesis, Montgomery Harrington, stole my time machine, travelled back in time and prevented Squatter Jenkins from requesting that I invent a time machine. Just to annoy me. So Squatter Jenkins then reappeared, much to his confused happiness. As well as an ecstatic sparrow.

So all this didn’t happen. Or did it? Montgomery Harrington needed the time machine in order to stop it from existing. If I didn’t invent it, Montgomery Harrington wouldn’t have gone back in time and told Squatter Jenkins not to ask for it, so Squatter Jenkins actually would have asked for it to be invented. These time travelling paradoxes hurt my head, I wish I never started it. That gives me an idea, maybe I could make another time machine and go back in time and stop myself from inventing the first one. Yes, great idea, that’ll solve everything.

1960 - 1969

Chair - I was a sturdy chair in a busy city centre café. Had numerous compliments of being surprisingly comfortable. It was just a shame I couldn’t sit on myself. I know this because I tried. Many times.

1957 - 1960

Unemployed - My first experience of the unemployment sector. This time, for a bit of a well-earned break, I was actively avoiding employment.

1918 - 1957

Various Temping Jobs - But unfortunately no tempting jobs.

1897 - 1918

Education (see below) - Educated to a high degree although I’ve forgotten it all now.

1895 - 1897

Nothing Much - Cried a lot and shat myself on a daily basis.

9th Oct 1895

Born on 9th October 1895 - Looked for employment immediately upon exiting the womb, but unfortunately no one took me seriously as I was a baby and I was completely and utterly useless.

1805 - 1894

Didn’t exist.

1 nanosecond on 14th April 1805

Due to an as yet undiscovered law of physics, I existed for a brief moment, but after deep consideration I decided against it long-term.

Birth of the Universe (Big Bang) - 1805

Didn’t exist. Is this too detailed? Maybe I don’t need to specify this?

Pre Big Bang

I’m not sure. I don’t know what existed before the Big Bang, if anything. So I’m not sure if I didn’t exist or did exist in another form. If I did exist then I’m sure I was hard at work job hunting.

Education

Home-Schooled for Secondary Education - My parents ran away from home when I was eleven so I stayed at home and self-taught myself. Afterwards I self-examined myself and I achieved 1,999 Grade A distinctions in 2,000 subjects in JJEB (Jobson Jobsworth Examination Board) - a record for JJEB and more qualifications than anyone else ever. The only subject I failed was geography as I didn’t know where the exam room was.

Turned out it was the box room. I lodged numerous stern complaints with JJEB over correct exam room labeling but sadly they have repeatedly ignored my letters. It’s almost as if they don’t exist.

Sadly I subsequently lost the chocolate bar to my classmate, Montgomery Harrington, who ate it in front of me, and then shat it back into the wrapper the next day. Unfortunately I got the blame for it and the teacher never gave me a chocolate bar ever again. Or anything that was vaguely shitinable either. Is that a word? It should be, it’s quite useful as I’ve just demonstrated. Anyway, I realised that day that Montgomery Harrington was destined to be my nemesis and he has been a blight on my life ever since.

I also called the teacher ‘mum’ once which was very embarrassing.

Nursery - Learnt soft skills such as not falling over when walking and putting food into my mouth rather than up my nostrils. Learnt an increasingly populated vocabulary including the words jelly, poo and antidisestablishmentarianism. I also learnt the meaning of the word ‘share’ and so I regularly took my classmate’s food.

Early Years - Potty trained in Norway by the world famous Potty Trainer, John John, who was clearly destined for a toilet-related career. I am proud to say I was the youngest ever to poo into a pot unassisted. At least that’s what my parents told me, just before they shaved off their eyebrows and hid in a bin for three days.

Due to an administrative error by my aforementioned peers, I did not immediately receive my certificate; and after a year of patiently waiting for it to pop through the letterbox I realised that the aforementioned administrative error must have been a grave one. So I gave up waiting and I made my own Greatest Ever Achievement certificate which I feel shows creativity and initiative.

Leisure Interests

I have a keen interest in languages and I am currently learning Esperanto as I plan to move to sunny Esperanta when I retire. The Esperantans are such a welcoming and friendly race, I’m surprised more people don’t move there.

I am an expert in the ancient art of potato-mache. This involves patience, attention to detail and a strong dislike of sensible hobbies. I founded and now run the International Potato-Mache Club, or INTPOTMACCLU for short, and currently hold the coveted Potato-Mache of the Year award. Although I will put it down if I was given this job as I find it awkward to type with.

I also have a keen interest in pornography and I enjoy masturbating on a regular basis. This has enabled me to learn time management skills and working within a deadline as my son is only out of the house for short periods.

I am an experienced and skillful drinker. My drink of choice is a single malt whisky, preferably Glenbenloch, because of its high quality. Just like me. That is, I’m trying to say that I’m high quality, I’m not saying I’m a high quality whisky. And just to be clear, I am not a whisky of any quality. Anyway, I sincerely hope my high quality shines through.

I am typing proficient, skilled at a proven 11 wpm. Please note that this decreases to 1.76 wpm after a glass of Glenbenloch.

I am also a firm believer in charity work and so I am very pleased when other people do it.

Additionally, I have an excellently inventive and fertile imagination, and have even successfully created an imaginary character - my son, Stirling Jobsworth. This is something few people can say they have ever achieved. While I’m on the subject, is there a suitable vacancy for him at your company? It would be handy if we worked at the same location as we could car share and take it in turns to drive. I enjoy it when Stirling drives as I can relax and go to sleep.

Special Requirements

Well, now that you bring it up, I don’t like working with people called Peter Pissbottom as they seem to constantly annoy me; so I would be very grateful if you could arrange for any Peter Pissbottoms to be fired, relocated or, in fact, disposed of in any way you see fit. The last Peter Pissbottom I worked with kept farting in my face. And the one before that kept stapling my clothes to my chair. And the one before that kept urinating on my desk. It’s very distracting when I’m on the phone to an important client. Do you have the same problem or is it just me that they love to annoy?

I must insist that my nemesis, Montgomery Harrington, never sets foot on the work premises, and to enforce this I demand that 50% of company profits be spent on security around the premises. I’m sorry but this is a deal breaker. Although I am willing to negotiate down to minus 10%.

Contact Details

I am available for contact via email: JobsonJobsworth@gmail.com and twitter: @JobsonJobsworth

I don’t want to give you my phone number as I’m afraid you would sell it to dodgy companies who would ring me up and try to sell me a selection of initially impressive but ridiculously expensive horses for a stable I don’t even have in order to breed winners for races I know nothing about and care even less. Or they might try to sell me broadband.

As for my postal address, I usually spend my days in a variety of Jobcentres, and my nights in the modern 24/7 ones.

Or just speak to my son, Stirling, as he always seems to know where I am - he has this strange sixth sense or something. Even when I went on a one-man vacation to sunny Esperanta, he appeared on the very first day, much to my annoyance. However, I forgave him for his intrusion as he was sporting a pair of rather hilarious bermuda shorts with matching socks. He does have a great sense of humour does Stirling. So I shared my Glenbenloch with him and we wrestled the night away.

References

References are available on the third request.

Achievements Which I Forgot To Put In The Achievements Section

Currently hold the British record for the longest CV.

Contact Details Which I Forgot To Put In The Contact Details Section

You could always try shouting out my name in Tesco as I am often there perusing the bargains in the Tesco Value range. Correction: the Everyday Value range. It works every time when I try it anyway. Although I do get a few odd looks, especially if I’m at the checkout.

Leisure Interests Which I Forgot To Put In The Leisure Interests Section

None.

Any Other Business

No.

Actually, there is. I’ll take this opportunity to mention that I was given a knighthood for my work with an endangered species of Cornish goblins. They now live in blissful peace and tranquility, safe from the perils of the world in their tiny cages. I was very proud of what I had achieved, that is until I woke up and realised that it was all a dream. Always annoying when that happens, isn’t it?

Also, I have always had trouble tying a tie but somehow I succeeded yesterday and it really made my day. However, my joy was short-lived as I realised I had the tie on back to front. I’m sure you agree that this is an easy mistake to make, and especially so for me as I already had my suit jacket and shirt on back to front too. I have, however, decided to leave them all on permanently just in case I never manage to tie the troublesome tie again. And as a bonus I’ll be ready for an interview at a moment’s notice so feel free to surprise me with a time-critical appointment. I just hope I won’t smell too much. Will I be penalized if I have my clothes on back to front for the interview? My photo is on my twitter page so I would appreciate it if you would let me know if I look smart or if I just look like an idiot.

Hold on, this Any Other Business section shouldn’t even be on a CV, this is for meetings and stuff like that. Note to self: delete this section as the last thing I want to do is sound like a moron on my job application.

As I’m going to delete this section I could write down any stupid thing that I’ve done in the past and it won’t matter. I once looked at my watch. Not so moronic in itself, but I was holding a glass of wine at the time. A second later I was holding an empty glass, whilst standing over a wine stain on the floor. But looking on the positive side, I did know the time.

Oh my giddy aunt, I can see my nemesis, Montgomery Harrington; I better dash before he sees me. Must remember to delete this section after I cowardly run away.

Oh, no, he’s got Stirling - he’s kidnapped Stirling! This is terrible. Poor Stirling, he’s a goner now. Oh well, I’ll just have to create yet another imaginary son. It’s annoying, Montgomery Harrington is always kidnapping my imaginary offspring. Probably because he doesn’t have the imagination to create them himself. Which is probably because he himself might also be imaginary.

I think I need a sit down after all this stress, I feel a bit light-headed. A break would do me good. I think I’ll go to sunny Esperanta for a few weeks, it always makes me feel better. At least now I won’t have to worry about Stirling turning up unannounced.

Thank you for not immediately deleting my application for the above vacancy in your company. Please find attached my CV for your expert perusal when you can tear yourself away from Facebook.

As you can see from my CV, I am currently one of the Government’s most experienced jobseekers, with twenty-five years of high quality job searching under my belt. I consider myself very successful in this sector because I have applied to almost seven billion jobs. Correction: including this one, almost seven billion and one.

I would really like to work for your company as I really need the money. My minimum salary requirements are £77K per annum, which I feel is an accurate reflection of my skills and experience. And also because it’s my favourite number. This would enable me to return to a ‘man about town’ way of life, which I find rather suits my carefree gait. My current salary is approximately £3K (coincidentally my least favourite number) which currently correlates to a way of life similar to a ‘man about town only on very, very special occasions.’

I am available for interview at any time, apart from Thursdays which is my lie-in day. And I can’t make Monday mornings due to my potato-mache club meetings. And obviously weekends and evenings are out too.

Can you please let me know if there will be a buffet at the interview, as I can then save money by not eating for several days before gorging myself on the assorted selection of tiny barely-filled sandwiches and pastries while I answer your ridiculous interview questions. If there is no buffet, then I’ll eat some beans on toast beforehand. Partly because it’s cheap, but mainly because I find that’s the best thing for me to eat before an interview, without throwing it up again due to nerves.

Also, can you tell me the dress code for the interview please? I’m unsure if I should wear my suit as it has one leg missing from an accident involving climbing over a wire fence. What is your company policy on interviewees with only one trouser leg? Would the lack of one trouser leg adversely affect my chances?

Please note that I am unable to relocate at present as I only have one suitcase. However, I am willing to commute to work in my thirty-four year-old, rather rusty but just about functional, Ford Speedo. Due to living on peanuts (not literally, peanuts are expensive) I can’t afford to buy the latest model, the Ford Speedo Deluxe Turbo Sport Sprint, so for the moment I have to put up with my current car’s increasingly worrying range of problems. The latest issue is that it sometimes randomly changes into reverse gear, which is both dangerous and embarrassing, especially on motorways. I apologise in advance for arriving late every day.

I must admit that being unemployed is making me feel a bit low at the moment. And it doesn’t help that I am mocked on a daily basis because my name is ridiculously job related and yet I am currently jobless. Which, in fact, is exactly what people call me instead of Jobson. Please note that I don’t want to be offered a job out of pity but note further that I would definitely accept it.

Not that I wish to be presumptuous but for my ‘welcome to the company’ gift, I would like to receive a three litre bottle of single malt whisky, preferably Glenbenloch. That would be a very kind gesture on your part, and would also help me through my first day.

Please don’t be afraid to provide feedback in the unlikely case that my application does not meet your strict selection criteria, as I can then add the missing qualifications and experience to my CV for my next application to you.

Should you require any further information, or wish to discuss my application further, or even if you just want to have a chinwag, please do not hesitate to contact me. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

Jobson Jobsworth xxx

PS - I apologise profusely if your name is not Miss Partridge-Kensington. It was just a guess, to be honest, as I didn’t have time to check your actual name as I was busy trying to beat the world record time for staring at yourself in the mirror without smiling. I thought Miss Partridge-Kensington was as good a guess as any. I almost went with Mrs Ethel Williamson-Parkinson-Tomlinson or Mr Crumbleton McJefferey, so I’ll be kicking myself if either of those were right. Anyway, I hope that my application will not be adversely affected as a result of this potential oversight.

PPS - I am aware that kisses are nonstandard for a job application, but I am highlighting my risk-taking attitude by, er, taking risks. I did also consider ThIs KiNd Of WrTiNg for my application to show the quirky and playful side of my personality, coupled with each letter being a different colour, to show my support of multi-racial, multi-religious and multi-cultural harmony, but I was advised against it. Hence, I’ve gone with the kisses, which incidentally, I was also advised against.

PPPS - If you are male then please ignore the kisses. However, if you are female then please blush with excitement as I am also looking for a girlfriend as well as a job. Please send me details of your loveliness and I will assess your application ASAP. If you do not hear anything within six weeks of submission then please assume your application was unsuccessful. Currently there is only one vacancy for this role, however, if the strength of candidates are strong, I will consider creating further vacancies by becoming a Mormon.