Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Part two of sex drugs and rock and Roll

Ok so here's more about my Glastonbury experience.

I must tell you about the trip Paul Provenza, Brendan Burns, Emery Emery and I took. Paul and Emery were the guys behind the famous 'ARISTOCRATS' movie that is being shown at the Sundance festival this year, they are making a film about their experiences in how humour can affect people. Both of them are top US comics also and Brendan is an OZ comic who lives in UK.

I was initially asked along to help Brendan explain stuff through a series of hand written notes as he had lost his voice, so I agreed and tried to contact Ashley to let her know I was leaving the campsite and going into 'THE OUTSIDE WORLD'. I was excited actually, as if I had never seen a fucking service station...I was really mad manky though and that bothered me as in Glastonbury everyone looks like a fucking drenched refugee on crack but outside people actually were wearing clothes that had never seen flood and piss and had hair that had been blow dried and shiny.

I looked like the woman who ate her own pets.

Weirdly as soon as the van took off and we made it through the crowds of people and various circus acts who were on stilts and uni-cyclists (wot the fuck is that about...? Get another wheel on your bike ya cunt!) anyway after we encountered gold painted people who were pretending to be the folk from Mad Max...we hit the countryside. All the while Brendan started to talk fine (Suddenly I felt as though I had been duped! Where was his 'lost voice'?). No worries I like an adventure, though i was concerned as a drugs run is cool, but I have been in prison before (albiet for one night) due to the guns and explosives being found in my house years ago (read the book) and if anyone is getting really done it will be me.

WE were actually going to pick up Legal Mushrooms...so thats ok..but I was not sure what the guys had on their person..maybe nothing ...and I was just being presumtious?

Back at camp my daughter had witnessed a lot of cocaine snorting, extacsy popping, mushroom tripping and had been offered it as well. I sat back and let her deal with it on her own merit as -after all she goes to University soon and I cannot always be there. She said No thanks-her descision.

Apparently my 19 year old waited until a few guys had popped their pills and she decided to tell them they would piss blood and have a heart attack ( she did this for fun-she is MY daughter remember) so then five guys had a nasty trip and a paranoid night in a wet tent -how we laughed!

Back at the mushroom run, we stopped at this Travel Lodge for the meeting of the mushroom man and I was excited to pee in a clean loo, I did however forget that I looked like a fat crack whore who let cats piss on her.

I watched people sneer at me, and I wanted to shout "Oi, I have daughter who has a private education, I own my own home, I owned nine flats and a pub, I own an IPOD, I have diamonds at home, I wear Gucci...I am at GLASTONBURY ya prejudiced fuckers" But I didn't . I merely dropped my head and let my badger trap hair hide my dirty face. I was 'unclean'.

We collected the Mushrooms and headed back to camp, we started to get worried because Paul Provenza was due on stage and we had to get through the gates before 9-30pm as thats when they shut the big gates and disallow anymore entries. At exactly 9-29pm we bumped the big van through BLUE Gate 2 and headed to the cabaret area, as perfomers we get a decent campsite with our cars onsite behind the cabaret tent. Paul made the stage-we made it through without anyone checking our van.

Everytime we were stopped at various checkpoints we all sat and said to camera "These are not the droids you are looking for" and EVERY security man let us through without question-so -that shit works!

I am sorry but there is no sex in this story, I wish there were but to be honest...I dont think anyone...even drugfucked comics would offer me sex!

BUT Ashley was offered sex and kisses, she looked like a hammer head shark with her hay fever and she only had an ability to produce copius amounts of nasal fluids and she needed her mouth to actually breathe as neither of her nostrils worked. So kissing was out..it would have killed her. Poor baby.

So I have to tell you about my book and stuff as well as things happened when I was gone. Firstly my book is number three in the Scottish book charts in WH Smith and secondly I got my first real book review in the Herald Newspaper that had the headline "Now That Connolly Has Gone Posh-Glasgow Needs a Godley" and then in OK magazine they had also a book review four stars! , I was on the same page as famous celebs!

So we had fun at Glastonbury and we packed up and headed for home. We stopped outside Pilton in a small village to buy petrol and stock up in snacks at a petrol station. The station had a sign that said "Toilet out of order". So after buying goods I skipped across to the local hotel and they too had a sign that said "Toilets out of order".

The big fat barman stood there as I asked "Excuse me if I buy a drink can you let me pee?"

Weirdman-"No, you lot from Pilton have broke it"

me-"I think you will find you are the fucker with a monobrow from PILTON and I am Scottish, so therefore dont accuse me of being 'odd' and if this toilet is only for 'locals' then you have no idea how fucking much like Royston Vasey you are dude!"

weirdman-" My toilet is broke"

me-"Come on, there cant be a fucking plumbing outbreak, I wont pee on the floor, ok..then how do the locals in here pee?"

Weirdman looked flustered and stuttered out "We can go home"

me-"Isn't this hotel your home? Do the rooms upstairs not have toilets? Or do you have a big phobia of ANYONE peeing in your loo's?, Let me use your toilet ya strange flipped out inbreed wooly sheep toucher"

weirdman-"No"

me-"Where is the church?"

weirdman-"Round the corner"

me-"Good I am off to piss in your local churchyard"

With that I slammed the door and by now my bladder was like a scatter cushion, hanging heavy and hurting, leaning into my ovaries and making me an angry person with badger hair.

I found the church in seconds, an ominous big over blown building (as usual, peasants starve and the church thrive), the grounds were vast and there was so many other grand buildings attached to it, that it was confusing, but I found the front door.

The local minister and God Botherer stood there smiling at me.

Me-"Excuse me- it seems everyone in this village has broken toilets, can I use yours sir?"

God Botherer-"I am sorry but we welcome Christians only"

me-(yet again with this story)-"Is Jesus in there?"( I pointed to the church)

God Botherer-"Yes of course"

me-"He is Jewish, does that make him Christian-can i come in and have a quick pee please?"

God Botherer-"No"

me-"Fine I am off to piss in your graveyard, go call the police or whatever, or maybe watch...I dont know but either way I am pissing in that there graveyard"

And I did.

I am sure there must be some law against it and I am sure it is highly offensive, but even Jesus would agree with me.