Category: Health

Personality disorders are a significant, and highly sought after, social distinction in American society. But so-called “experts” warn increases in mood disorders pose a threat to public health in the United States, and probably elsewhere – surely there are other places – but who fucking cares about them?

Mental illness is cool

I’m depressed!

Romanticizing school shooters is not only fun, it’s profitable, too!

While the over-pussification of American society has pushed down crime rates overall, mass murder and public shootings have dramatically increased.

Raleigh T. Sakers instituted a rule to be followed by all news desks, from CNN to the Internet Chronicle, that in the event of a mass shooting, each publication is then expected to dig deep into the sordid, abuse-enhanced backstories of such losers as those douchebags from Columbine, or that incel from 4chan, or Barron Trump.

Then we publish it: chronicle.su style

Not enough people know how sexy it is to shoot up a school, according to Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Chief Researcher at the Lebal Drocer Institute of Brooding Evil.

This has not stopped anyone from turning into a sociopath, Troubadour said, adding that there is “no hope” for the future.

Everyone’s depressed, at least in America, Troubadour said. As long as you aren’t actually depressed, it’s cool as shit to be depressed!

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour delivers babies into the world, and works hard to keep them from acting like little bitches about it.

Leading experts from the Boulder, Colorado University of Like Whatever Man say school shooters reflect Millennials’ rejections of societal norms. University fellow Susan Crabtree blames the increase in sociopathic disorders on growing pressures from modern economic mainstays.

“When you live in a capitalist society such as this, it’s just gonna fuck you over in the end,” Crabtree said. “There’s people out there today still working in the same conditions that once made Upton Sinclair’s dick hard. Have you seen what customer service does to people?”

Children are sooo fucking special

We reached out to today’s youth and asked them what’s the big deal with you little idiots? Like why are you all acting like you have depression when you’re actually just useless, boring, uninteresting underachievers, like your friends?

“I acted depressed for a while because I thought it would make me appear cool, deep, and introspective. That didn’t work, so now I appear in other people’s black and white photography smoking a joint.” –Jenna, 17, is now considered cool among her peers“Actually, there’s a lot of unseen pressure coming from within. I am just a baby striving to pay my bills, but I’ve already risen to the level of Captain in the armed forces. I once wanted to paint nature scenes. And I sometimes wonder, ‘What if?'” –USAF Captain John Fournier, 15 months old“The only sounds louder than the voices in my head are the terrified screams of my victims.” –Tommy, 13

Dr. Troubadour said that in his 30-odd years of conflict resolution, he believes narcissists and sociopaths are an increasing public annoyance, but hardly a health hazard.

If instances of personality disorders continue to arise, he admits, it could be time to institute a mandatory mental health purge, and begin eradicating bloodlines that can’t suppress the urge to appear brooding, moody or introverted.

Sakers looks to another approach:

“We have enough music. We have enough tortured artists. We already got enough fuckin’ poetry. Write some god damn fucking comedy or get the fuck out of my timeline. You’re not made for this business. You’re weak! YOU NEVER TRANSCENDED! Now go back in there and suck your momma’s titty til you’re finished cooking because I don’t need to get shot up while I’m at the god damn opera.”

“Playing the Game”

Hey dudes. Dr. Troubadour here, and I am writing to you from Nepal! This four-part column comes after an exclusive spiritual love retreat with Trail Boss Christopher Nemelka, in which we spent two days and three nights plumbing the depths of our Mormon souls, in a divine quest to unlock vexing mysteries of the front hole.

Chris and Angus had a spiritual breakthrough together in Nepal.

Later I took ayahuasca, experienced ego death, and condensed my pontifications into beads of enlightenment for the purposes of this article, which was edited down – for your convenience – to fit into a palatable word count for your broken attention spans.

Without further ado (that means cut to the fucking chase), follow my researched tips for a healthy relationship that puts YOU in control!

1. No friends. “It’s just you and me, now”

First things first!

It used to be you needed to learn an instrument or how to sing in order to manipulate a woman’s reality. But with Christopher Nemelka’s patented technique, you will control a female within three well-crafted text messages, guaranteed.

Women love reassurance. Turn her reassurance into co-dependence with this one easy trick!

Dr. Troubadour says tell them things like, “Sure is nice bein’ free,” or “It’s like all our problems are over.” Christopher Nemelka added, “Make them feel dumb by using big words that only appear in the books you write!”

2. Keeping Score

Stay sharp! A good memory pays dividends in a loveless relationship such as your own. Do you remember that time she dropped your Special Edition iPhone, scuffing the case? Or what about when she clicked Like on another man’s Facebook photo?

What do ya say, Ref!?

Patriots such as yourself like to keep score. A true patriot Never Forgets. Teach your property a lesson she’ll Never Forget by assigning monetary values to the countless ways in which she has hurt your snowflake feelings.

By talking in a language women can understand (money), you will finally convey your true bitterness.

3. Withholding Sex

This paragraph could get pretty dark, and into a legal gray area, so let me just say, “Each of you are redefining your comfort zones right now,” and a person’s worth is valued only in direct proportion to the respect you have for them!

Demand sex when she’s not interested, and withhold it when she is. Unless that’s what she’s into!

4. No room for growth

People change over time. Over time, we learn new things about our lives, goals, and dreams. That’s OK. But once you get hold of the woman, that shit’s over.

Hobbies and interests are threatening. If you feel like her personal needs are cutting into your own, offer gentle ultimatums, like, “I understand you no longer love me, and want to go to yoga classes four nights a week. That’s fine. When you get home, I’ll be gone. Maybe I’ll be back.”

Start following these tips today and get started on your journey into spiritual dominance. Because the world owes you!

This message is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.

Lebal Drocer stocks rose 40% Friday morning after the company’s eccentric executive Raleigh T. Sakers announced that he would return to the asbestos industry. This comes just two months after an explosive re-conceptualization of the Environmental Protection Agency, which now offers a framework for allowing new asbestos products back into US markets.

Back to School: Just in time for the Fall semester, Asbestos ceiling and floor tiles are being reintroduced to the Roanoke County Public School system in Virginia.

“It was high time the EPA recognized asbestos has a place not only on the periodic table of elements – it’s all natural – but in American homes, too,” Sakers said. “That’s why I, personally, – Raleigh Theodore Sakers – will blow the first load of Lebal Drocer Patented Asbestos Foam into one lucky homeowner’s hovel, blessing that shitnest with flame retardant properties!”

Asbestos is a clean, efficient product designed to keep you warm during the winter, and flame retardant for when you fall asleep with a cigarette burning or a doobie.

Qualifying Americans are automatically enrolled in the upcoming asbestos replenishment plan. The top one percent are exempt from the asbestos replacement tax penalty, as well as anyone wealthy enough to prove they should not be exposed to the mineral. There is a tax waiver being offered to those who agree to a one-month free trial of Amazon Prime. Cancel any time.

For more information about Asbestos and its advantages, read here. Overlook any health warnings you may see, as the site has become outdated, and they do not take into consideration our new & improved EPA testing standards.