This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

10/21/12

The State of the Andrew Address

My fellow Americans: not that anyone thought to ask, but I’m pleased to report that things are going pretty good for me right now. I recently experienced an economic windfall when I found five bucks in my jacket, resulting in a budget surplus. Of course, this sudden stroke of good fortune comes in the wake of the devastating financial catastrophe that ensued after mom neglected to remove my wallet from my jeans when she put them in the laundry over break.
Speaking of the incompetence of those we thought we could trust, I turn now to foreign policy. The central goal of my administration’s international strategy was to achieve that benchmark widely recognized as the hallmark of a great power. I am, of course, referring to “getting laid.” It was assumed that we were making progress with respect to this objective with Stephanie, the cute girl at Kinko’s. We even managed to have coffee with her, and went to a party with her two weeks ago.
Then, Joegate ensued. Somehow, elements of the Joe Federation obtained access to highly classified materials on our computer systems (pornography and drunkenly composed poetry) and leaked them to Stephanie. When questioned, the Federation’s President Clement tried to play it off as a joke, but we responded with a communiqué indicating that this was not cool, dude. We acknowledge the Joe Federation has given us valuable assistance in the past, particularly that one time in high school when we were so drunk we were puking everywhere and Joe not only drove us home but dealt with mom and dad. However, this most recent action may force us to rethink his status with our nation as “best bud.”
The years ahead are no doubt full of tumult and unease. However, I can say with confidence that we have nothing to fear and there is every reason to remain at ease, as this joint I am in the process of lighting seems to be dank as shit.