A bump in the road

Since I started my blog eighteen months ago, I have shared so much of our lives with you all. I have found it hugely therapeutic to put down in words all of the weird and wonderful thoughts in my head, to document our highs and lows, and share the ups and downs of life as a Mummy of five. Last year I shared with you that I had some on-going health issues, and wrote how I had been having some tests, and yet what I haven’t shared with you is, that for the last three months, we have been coming to terms with some life changing news. And it has been really hard for me to keep that to myself, all too aware that, should I share the news on my blog, it could find it’s way back to Lewis before I was ready to tell him myself. And now? I am finally ready to share the last three months with you, or indeed the last two and a half years, and although I have no idea where to start, I guess for those who don’t know my story, the best place would be at the beginning….

In 2014, just a few weeks after having Harry, I was really poorly. It came from nowhere, like I had been hit by the flu, and it completely floored me. With four children, three under three, it was really tough going and, despite the fact I did not recover as expected, I powered through because that’s what us Mums do, right? A few weeks later I started with some strange neurological issues, numbness, pins and needles, burning and buzzing all over my body, and soon they developed into some really scary issues, a loss of vision in one eye, black-outs, weakness down one side of my body, a substantial amount of weight loss, and I knew that I needed to see a doctor, and fast.

After my initial doctors appointment in August 2014 I saw countless neurologists, a cardiologist, a rheumatologist, an endocrinologist, an ear nose throat specialist, a gynaecologist, a haematologist and an orthopaedic surgeon. I had five MRI scans, three CT scans, several ultrasounds, X-rays, endoscopies, angiograms and countless blood tests. I saw more ambulances, hospital beds and surgery waiting rooms than I care to mention, visited four different specialist hospitals and was seen privately as well as through the NHS. And every single one of those specialists was unable to find a cause.

Over the course of two and a half years, various things flagged up – high liver enzymes, poor kidney function, high cholesterol, anaemia, a raised Hba1c, a mitral valve prolapse, bulging discs in my neck and spine, and a whole host of other issues, none conclusive enough to diagnose me with anything specific. I had countless possible diagnoses thrown around, ranging from ME to MS, and yet nothing concrete and, most importantly, nothing treatable. Countless times I was told by my GP that I was suffering with post natal depression, that it was all in my head, that my anxiety had spiralled out of control and however much I told him that my symptoms were very real, I did, at times, question my own sanity.

And yet with the symptoms worsening, and a CBT referral helping none, I was fobbed off with a cocktail of drugs, anti-seizure medication for the nerve pain, something to help me sleep and a ready supply of pain-killers. And for months my symptoms waxed and waned, flaring up and settling down, never knowing how I would feel from one day to the next. But over the Summer, when my symptoms were actually at their least, I developed a new issue – tinnitus. The most unbearable, constant, high pitched ringing in my right ear that left me unable to switch off, let alone sleep, and yet again I was referred back to the ear, nose, throat specialist. It was decided that I would need a second brain scan to rule out an acoustic neuroma, a benign brain tumour that grows on the acoustic nerve, and on a beautiful sunny day in mid August, as I slid into the MRI tunnel, all too familiar with the procedure, I couldn’t help but wonder how my life was about to change.

By the end of August, after an amazing weekend at a friends wedding, where so many people commented on how well I looked, and ironically when I had felt well for the first time in months, I had a routine appointment at the hospital to discuss my allergies, another issue which had risen seemingly from nowhere.

Sat there, on my own, the specialist explained that my MRI results were in and that, although there was no issue with my acoustic nerve, there had been some changes to my brain since my previous scan. I listened, my heart beating out of my chest, as she told me that I now had a number of lesions which, combined with my symptoms, gave a 95% certainty that I had Multiple Sclerosis.

And I had sat there, feeling dizzy and nauseous, my head spinning with a hundred different thoughts, a thousand different fears, but most of all, the question that broke my heart, how will I break this to the children? I listened as she explained that I would now be sent back to the neurologist who would need to do a lumbar puncture to confirm the diagnosis, but, given the scan, it was very much a certainty. And as I walked back to the car, too numb to even cry, I had rang Gaz at work and, for the first time, said the words out loud, “I have MS.”

And thank God for Gaz, who had sped home as fast as he possibly could, wrapped me up in his arms and held me as I cried, as I let all of my worries and fears spill out with angry, confused sobs, “Why me? After everything, why me?”. Because although life doesn’t work that way, given everything we had already been through, it just felt so desperately unfair. And lay there in bed later that day, when Gaz had taken over with the children and sent me up to get some rest, I had wept into my pillow at the enormity of the situation, at the over-whelming sense of sadness, and the fear at what the future held.

It may sound strange but, afterwards, when Gaz took the rest of the week off work to be with me, we had one of the best weeks we’ve had in a long time. We spent our days at the beach, in the park, eating ice creams in the sunshine, and we laughed, a lot. And in those moments we imagined that life was still the same, that nothing had changed, despite the fact that everything had changed, and as a family we were closer than ever.

The following week we paid privately to see a neurologist, unwilling to wait the six months on the NHS, who agreed that we were looking at a diagnosis of MS but offered us the option of a lumbar puncture, something which Gaz and I both felt was necessary to be completely certain. The following weeks were a blur, just waiting for the appointment to come through and plodding along as best we could. It was incredibly hard to hold it together each day for the children, to protect them from the reality of our lives, to keep smiling and assure them that everything was just as it should be. And Lewis, at twelve, who knows me better than anyone, would hold me tight at bedtime and tell me, “Promise me that you don’t have anything serious,” his eyes searching mine, “Promise me that you’ll be okay.” And I had promised him that everything would be fine, that the doctors knew what they were doing, and that anything serious had been ruled out months ago. And afterwards I would pray that I didn’t have to let him down, or, for the first time in my life, break my promise.

I can’t tell you how hard it was to get through each day, to go about our daily lives as though everything was fine, chatting away with the school Mums about PE kits and reading books, to the lady at the check out about the latest two for one offers, to my parents away on holiday in Spain, unable to tell them the news while they were so far away. And yet somehow I made it through September, through those heartbreaking mornings when Eva cried on repeat and I wondered how she would ever cope with me being poorly long term, through our half term holiday when I questioned whether I would be well enough to travel in the years ahead, through Halloween and Bonfire night, one day at a time, slowly but surely coming to terms with my diagnosis.

And I think as with any diagnosis, you go through a process of grieving for the life that you had planned and begin to prepare for the life that fate has dealt you. And that was hard, to imagine that I may not be around for the children, or at best unable to care for them in the way I would want to. I felt incredibly guilty to think that I would become dependent on Gaz, a man who had fallen in love with me as my partner, not as my carer, and even in those early days I worried that I would become a burden to him, and to my children.

As the weeks dragged on I was lucky to have the support of some amazing friends. Friends who have been there for me to lift my spirits, make me smile, feed me cake and to hold my hand on the days when I struggled. And Gaz, my eternal optimist, who kept me going with the reminder that 95% wasn’t a certainty, that somewhere, someone out there had to be in that 5% of people who had MS type lesions but did not have MS. And I loved him for that, for never giving up hope, even when I long had.

In early November Gaz and I made the journey to the hospital for my lumbar puncture, and I won’t lie to you, I was absolutely terrified. I had heard such terrible things about it, how it was the worst procedure a person could endure, how the pain of childbirth didn’t even compare, and how traumatic others had found it. And so lay there on that hospital bed, my knees tucked up to my chest, the doctor and two medical students behind me, tears streamed down my face. But, yet again, Gaz was there to hold my hand, to keep me calm and talk me through it, and as he rested his forehead against mine and whispered how much he loved me, how proud he was of me, and how it would all be okay, the needle went in and fifteen minutes later it was all over.

The worst part for me, as has been the case for two and half years, was waiting for the results. I kept myself busy where possible, holding the children that little more tightly, making the most of getting out and about, staying as fit and well as I possibly could, and reminding myself that modern medicine had come on leaps and bounds. But at night, when I lay awake in the early hours with that ringing in my ears, I would cry all of the tears that I had held in that day, allowing the smile, that I had forced for the children’s sake, to drop, and for the hundredth time asked myself, why me? And by the end of the month I finally came to terms with the answer. Whynotme.

And so I can’t even begin to tell you how scared I was when the envelope fell through my door this week, the much awaited report from the neurologist, the moment of truth that would change my life forever. With shaking hands I had ripped it open, my heart beating out of my chest, and I had stood there, the world spinning around me, as I read the words, “Oligoclonal bands which are usually present in patients with MS, are negative in the spinal fluid.” And after three months of holding the weight of the world on my shoulders, I had actually laughed out loud, an overwhelming feeling of relief, and the realisation that the nightmare we had been living was finally over.

Of course afterwards, when the initial joy had worn off, I realised that the nightmare wasn’t fully over, not really. There is still the undeniable fact that I have lesions on my brain, which poses the question if it isn’t MS, then what is it? And perhaps the hardest part is, we may never really know. Our bodies can react in so many different ways and who knows how three babies in two years took its toll, or if I will ever fully recover. I also know that I will have to have regular brain scans to check on the progress of the lesions, the worry being that if they multiply then a diagnosis of MS will need to be re-assessed and in that way, this will always be hanging over our heads. But if there’s one thing I have learned, this last three months, it’s that you can’t live your life that way, always worrying about tomorrow, trying to second guess the future, worrying yourself stupid about something that may or may not happen. Life is so short, and none of us can predict what tomorrow will bring.

Because actually, and this may be hard for others to understand, this last three months and everything we have been through, was possibly one of the best things that could have happened to me. As a sufferer of chronic anxiety I have wasted far too many years worrying, panicking, and sweating the small stuff, none of which was ever important. I have had such a warped view of self-image, going through countless stages of loathing my body, when I should only ever have been grateful that it worked. I have allowed far too many of my own negative thoughts to impact on my happiness, and if there’s anything positive I can take from this it is the realisation that none of that matters. At the same time it has re-affirmed what I already knew, that hard times will always reveal good friends, and that is nothing short of the truth. If I can find a positive in these last three months, it is the discovery of what is important, and who is important, and I go forward from here surrounded by the best friends, the best family and the best attitude that life is well and truly for living. And this feels like a second chance to really make the most of it, every single moment, good and bad.

So what now? Two and a half years down the line, still no answers and still no idea what the future holds. Well for now, for today, I plan on getting outside, enjoying the fresh air, running around the park, a little one in each hand, and coming home to a family who I love and adore. And tomorrow the same, and the next day, and the next day, until one day when I am old and grey, with Gaz by my side, surrounded by my children, and hopefully by grandchildren, we can look back on this time as just another bump in the road.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me, particularly over the last three months, you know who you are.

Think I’ve got something in my eye! I know exactly how you feel. I was diagnosed with MS in July. My world ripped from under my feet. I’m still moarning the old me but I’m doing ok right now so I will focus on that. I hope that you work out what it is and that it’s not MS. It’s such a ‘forever’ illness 🙁😘😘

Oh I’m so sorry to hear that, it’s such a life changing diagnosis, I truly believed that it was definite, 95% is pretty certain isn’t it? I feel incredibly lucky right now, and I won’t ever take that forgranted. I know that a small percentage of MS sufferers can have negative lumbar puncture tests but it would be madness for me to focus on that, right now I’m looking forward. Much love to you, stay strong. xxx

Oh my goodness Laura my heart was in my mouth reading this and had a little tear. Can only imagine how you’ve been feeling these last few months let alone the last few years. You are a seriously incredible woman who really doesn’t deserve to go through anything else. I hope one day you get some answers but live in the moment and love your life for what you have xxxx

Thank you so much. It’s been really hard, more so with not being able to talk about it on my blog, I think I’ve really struggled with that and having to bottle it all away. It’s a relief to finally explain why I’ve been all over the place the last few months, and now we can just look forward to Christmas together and a new year ahead. 2017 will be a good year, I’m sure of it. xxx

All I can think of to say is that you are one strong lady. You’ve been through so much, it doesn’t seem fair. Wishing you many many years of good health and happiness lovely, because that is what you and your beautiful family deserve xx

Thank you Louise. It is such a relief to have the all clear, it’s been a long few months and a rough two years. I’ve been so lucky and we will definitely be making the most of Christmas this year, starting with a few drinks tomorrow night to celebrate!! xxx

Laura, yet again I am amazed by you. I can’t imagine what the last three months has been like for you and I am just in such awe of your bravery and attitude. This is a beautifully written post and I hope and pray you have many, many years of wonderful health ahead of you. Big big love.

Oh Laura, this post. I cant even begin to imagine how the last three months have been for you. I literally read your post with my heart in my mouth – 95% certainty seemed so certain, but to have the result you have had is just amazing. I am so, so pleased for you. Life would have been so cruel and unfair for it to have gone any other way. Life is definitely for the living and making the most of it and you have just reminded me of it when I needed it.. Emily x

Oh goodness, Laura. I’m so sorry to hear of everything you have been going through. It must have been such a difficult time. I had no idea. You write so eloquently and beautifully. I had tears running down my face. Really hope you get some answers soon. Thank you for being brave enough to share this with us. X

Thank you so much, I really appreciate your lovely comment. It has been very difficult as I have always shared my experiences via my blog but with Lewis being 12, I couldn’t risk him reading something and having any added worry at this time. It’s been a relief to finally share what we have been going through and everyone has been so supportive, thank you. xxx

What a horrible time to go through for you all. I read your post with tears in my eyes. I know the pain of MS, my mum died from the horrible disease when I was 11 years old, and its a big big part of who I am today (yet something I never talk about on my blog!) Its why we celebrate the simple things, why we are trying our hardest to pay our mortgage off early and why I’m so 100% into being there all the time for our children. I never knew my mum and my family told me from a young age that because MS was strong in my family (it can run in genes, my mums sister has it too) that I had a strong than usual chance of getting it too. I am so so sorry to hear that you have been feeling so poorly, it must have been so hard for you and your family, especially with young children. I am really really pleased its not MS, and I hope you find some answers and are feeling better soon. Sending love xx

Oh Hannah I’m so sorry to hear that, how devastating for your family. My husbands uncle died of MS at a very young age and another friends Dad was crippled within 6 months, so it was something I had terrible experiences of and really feared for my childrens future. I am so relieved to have a negative lumbar puncture and for now, to escape the diagnosis. I’m sure it will be an on-going thing where I am monitored closely over the years, but for now I am just grateful to be looking forward to a Christmas with my family. If we spent our whole lives worrying about the what ifs, we’d never enjoy the here and nows, I for one plan on doing just that. Love to you and your family. xxx

Laura this post was such a roller coaster to read. I was fighting back tears and unable to breathe in parts and then sighs of relief in others. Gosh..to think of you going through this, especially after all you’ve been through, I think you have a right to ask why?!
I am pleased you have things cleared up and though it’s still hanging over you, I hope you will be okay and continue to have the strength to mother your beautiful kids
Love to you all xx

Thank you Mary. I think sometimes it’s hard to not question why me? Especially when we have already been through so much, I feel cheated sometimes that we have had to face so any hard times when others sail through life without a single bump in the road. It would drive you crazy if you thought that way too much though, I just have to take the positives from it and remind myself how far we have come. Thank you for your lovely comment. xx

Firstly well done for being brave and writing about it as eloquently and honestly as you always do. Stay positive Laura. You are so remarkably strong. You are an inspiration. Now pass me the tissues. Xxxx

Oh Laura – reading what you have been through has moved me to tears. All these months you’ve had so much to deal with, but thank goodness for those special people in your life and your family. I can only imagine how terrified you must have been, and to still not have definitive answers must be so hard, but I am so overwhelmingly happy for you that the result was negative for MS. Your bravery and the fact that you have come through this “bump” with such an incredible positive attitude make you an inspiration lovely. You’re amazing. Love to you all xx

Oh my goodness, you are so brave Laura. Reading this post brought tears to my eyes, you have been through so much and I cannot help but feel for you because it’s been such a long time. Even though you’ve had to deal with all these worries it sounds as if you have the best support anyone could ask for in your husband. I admire how positive and courageous you have been throughtout and that you feel brave enough to share your story with us all xxxx

Thank you so much, it’s been such a long two and a half years and I do wonder how we got through it, I just hope that we are nearing the end of a difficult time and 2017 will be a good year for everyone! xx

Oh Laura, I’m so very sorry to hear what you’ve being going through *hug*. With tears in my eyes I am unbelievably happy to hear that the results ended up being negative. I admire your strength and the fact that you managed so well to hold it all together for your gorgeous children, even when your world was falling apart!xx

You’re so strong and I’m sorry you’ve been through so much. I hope you get some answers soon but that in the meantime you manage to carry on without worrying. I’m so pleased your diagnosis was negative x

Oh my goodness me! What a hell of a bumpy ride you’ve had! I can’t stop the tears reading this! It sounds like you have the best friends and family and a wonderful attitude Laura. Good luck for the future lovely and continue to make those memories with your delightful husband and children. Xx

I’m so happy to be reading this right now, what a worrying time for you all. I know you still have a journey ahead but ever the optimist Gaz was right. Enjoy your night out – you deserve to let your hair down. Much love xx

Oh my lovely Laura! I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been carrying such a heavy burden of worry lately. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to hear that you’ve had some good news so close to Christmas.xxx

Thank you Louise. It’s been a rough few months but it really is the best Christmas present we could ever receive. I’m ready to make the most of every moment now, it’s been a real wake up call to how precious life is. xxx

Oh my goodness, my heart completely goes out to you. It really is scary, planning for a life and then suddenly realising that that life might not actually be able to happen. I am so glad that it wasn’t the case for you in the end and that the lumbar puncture gave you good results. I’m sorry you are still journeying into the unknown about what actually is wrong, but hings like this really do make you pull your family closer and make each day count. x

Whoa. I had to stop crying to write back to you. I hope further sharing your story brings you more strength. You are one amazing, brave, remarkable lady with an equally remarkable hubby. Your smile, the photos, the fun and joy – you compartmentalized so very well. Please know that I am send you healing light and love and hope that you stay healthy and strong for those grandchildren to pop along along someday. Live out loud, each and every day. Sending hugs. <3 <3 <3

Ahh Lisa, thank you so, so much. I am touched by your constant support, you have been lovely. I feel incredibly lucky to have been given this second chance to really take life by the reins and go with it, sometimes we need these lessons to really make the most of every moment. xxx

Laura, you really are a strong woman, and you have a wonderful husband and a wonderful family with so much love. Positive thoughts, loving yourself and accepting whatever comes your way, even though some things are really hard or almost impossible to accept, enjoying every day, every minute, giving and receiving love and hope… I really wish you all the best. #EatSleepBlogRT

Hi Laura, I read this yesterday but didn’t comment at the time. You have all been through so much as a family, I am so glad your husband has been amazing and that the diagnosis isn’t MS. Waiting for results is awful enough. Stay strong. Sarah #mg

Thank you Sarah, I’ve been so lucky to have Gaz’s support and positivity. Having tests of any kind is so worrying, it feels as though we have been holding our breath for two years, the last three months especially. Now to enjoy Christmas, god knows we are ready for it! xxx

What a strong and brave lady you are. And what an amazing husband. I really admire your strength and positivity during what must have been such a hard journey. I am so pleased the results were negative…. but also just wanted to say a good friend’s husband was diagnosed with MS about 10 years ago and had been able to carry on working and live a very full life with the help of the right medication. I know there are different types of MS but it needn’t be a life sentence if your diagnosis did change in the future. Wishing you the very best of luck and good health xxx

Thank you so much. You’re so right, I have a friend with MS and she lives a full and active life. My husbands uncle actually died of MS at a very young age and so for him to still remain so positive was awe inspiring. It’s a huge relief for us all, Christmas is going to be an amazing time for us this year! xxx

I have loved reading your posts every week and getting to know you and your gorgeous family. You are a truly amazing woman. Your posts are always so honest and though provoking, but this is exceptional and so very brave. I am so pleased you are part of that 5%. Stay strong, enjoy your family and keep blogging, because you are fabulous. So pleased to have found your blog #MMBC xxx

Thank you so much Lisa, that’s so lovely of you to say so. I feel incredibly lucky, not just to be in the 5% but to have been surrounded by so much love and support, and now these lovely comments on my blog. It means so much. xxx

OMG Laura you are an inspiration! This really got me as I am awaiting #tribalchat results of an MRI too and riding that bump in the road. So many weird emotions at the moment but it is amazing how it brings everything that is truly important very clearly into focus! Thank you for sharing your experience you have helped me a great deal! ❤️

Ahh Catie, it’s just awful waiting on MRI results, just the process of having the scan is so worrying, I was in bits just waiting for the results each time. I hope that you have positive results too and can enjoy a lovely Christmas with your family. I will keep everything crossed for you. xxx

So sorry to hear about your health problems. Although it hasn’t been resolved yet, I’m glad that it isn’t MS and hopefully the doctors will be able to diagnose what’s wrong and help you get over whatever it is. Sending one big virtual hug 🙂

After my first I had such severe vertigo that I was checked for brain tumors as well as MS- negative. Ten years of waxing and waning neorulogical weirdness- esoecially random dizzy spells- and nothing but anxiety ever comes up. That said I have raging auto immune issues on my mom’s side.

Yes!! My vertigo has been terrible!! So have you never got to the bottom of it? Mine all started after I had Harry, I was convinced there was a hormonal issue but nothing concrete. The endocrinologist said auto-immune but the screening has come back normal. I’m just glad to have had the serious things ruled out, it’s just so exhausting going through countless tests isn’t it! xx

Oh wow! This post is so full of emotion and throws up so many gut-wrenching and inspiring points that I am overwhelmed with emotion for you. I simply cannot imagine what it must have been like even way back and then for your dr to turn around and say that it’s all in your mind – that must have been horrendous. To have to keep going for the kids, whilst still ill and wondering, must have been so hard. I am so relieved for you and that you can even turn the whole ordeal into a positive just says everything about the kind of person you are. You are the most amazing role model to your gorgeous children, as is your husband, who sounds like a rock. Sending positive thoughts for the future. Alison x #bigpinklink

Thank you so much. It’s been a really rough ride and it’s been hard protecting the children from it where we can, some days I just wanted to crawl into bed and cry!! I’m just so pleased that we have come out the other side and although we don’t have a diagnosis, I do feel better than I did this time last year and that’s something. I’m looking forward to enjoying Christmas with my beautiful family, thank you for your lovely comment. xx

My goodness you have been through so much in the last couple of years. I’m so sorry it has taken so long to get any answers and now not having any answers again. You’re a brave woman and an amazing mum. Let’s hope what’s left of this year can be enjoyable for you xx

This must have been such a stressful time for you and your family. I have so much respect for how you have managed through this. I hope that after all of this you have a wonderful time together as a family this Christmas, relaxing and trying to shrug off worries and stresses xx #MarvMondays

Oh bloody hell, what a time you’ve had. As you say at least it’s not MS, after all that worry. I really hope the doctors get to the bottom of it soon and in the meantime it sounds like you have the right attitude to try not to dwell, but to enjoy life and being a mum. You’d never know you’ve been so poorly, you look beautiful in all your photos. Thanks so much for joining us for #marvmondays x

Ahh thank you Fran, I think it gets to the point where you just have to trust that they’ve ruled out everything serious. And that’s really lovely of you to say, I feel as though I look terrible but I’m glad that I don’t look as bad as I feel!! xx

Thank you so much, what a lovely comment. It’s very hard as parents to carry on as normal ,especially with my 12 year old being such a worrier! I usually find a comfort in blogging through difficult times in our lives but I was unable to do that due to the chance that Lewis may read it. It’s a relief to be able to write about it, a problem shared is a problem halved and all that! xx

I read this post on Friday night Laura and think I held my breath until I reached the end. I’m so relieved it wasn’t what you were dreading it might be – our health as parents is a constant worry for the sake of the little ones who need us, and for everything we need to be around to see. Keep going and we are all praying the other bits turn out to be nothing at all… much love x
#MarvMondays

Thank you so much lovely. I think we have been holding our breath for the last two and a half years. I think the main thing now is that I feel better than I did this time last year, and the most serious things have been ruled out, I just want to have an uneventful year ahead and enjoy my lovely family. Here’s to 2017. xxx

Goodness – what you have been through Laura. I’m so pleased that MS has been ruled out but so sorry that you are suffering from these complaints as well as everything else you’ve gone through. As ever you manage to find a lovely positive end to the post – just taking every day as it comes – very mindful. Lots of love x #eatsleepblogRT

Well I wasn’t expecting that as I sat down to read my morning blog posts! That’s a 2 year post in one and oh my goodness so much you have been through. Everyone loves a happy ending and hopefully now you have yours. No one is going to appreciate life more than you now. #TwinklyTuesday

Thank you Fiona. It’s been a real rough ride but yes, we are very relieved that the worst has been ruled out. Now to focus on getting myself fit and well and enjoying Christmas, thank you for reading. xxx

Wow. This is such an incredibly emotional post. I took every word of this in and felt so many emotions. The last emotion I felt was relief. I am SO pleased you received the results you did. So, so pleased. #dreamteam

What an incredibly tough journey you have been through. There is so much here, and when you have children in the mix you feel the burden for each and every one of them. I hope you find out what the issue is soon, and the answer provides you with some relief

Thank you so much. It’s been incredibly difficult to hold it all together for the children and still go about our daily lives. At the same time, had it not been for the children I think I would have spent the last two and a half years in bed, so in that way I really am grateful that they have forced me to power through. I’m sure we will get there, for now I am looking forward to a wonderful Christmas together. xx

I can’t believe you have been through all of this and still have no answers. I’m a little lost for words to be honest. I hope you get some answers soon. I love your ethos of just getting on with today. Enjoying your family. I don’t think anyone knows what the future has in store so we could all take a leaf out of your book.
#DreamTeam

Thank you Kirsty. I think not knowing what is wrong is so difficult, the worry it has caused us all has been horrendous. I’m just focusing on the fact that I feel better now than I did two years ago, and even one year ago. Perhaps this time next year I will be feeling more like my old self again, I do hope so. xx

Wishing you nothing but the best Laura. I help perform lumbar punctures on a weekly basis and they are usually a pretty easy test. Thats terrible that you heard so many scary stories beforehand. #bigpinklink

Thank you Jeremy. I literally did not hear one good experience of them, everyone said they are agonisingly painful, etc and I was an absolute wreck on the day. Turns out it was really straightforward and although I had a terrible headache for a few days afterwards, it wasn’t even a patch on childbirth!! xx

Headaches are actually pretty rare also. If you need to have it repeated in the future, be sure to try and lie down for several hours afterward to put pressure on the site and help in close faster, this will reduce any csf leakage. Also, caffinated drinks and lots of water will help replace what they removed for the sample.

Thanks Jeremy. I was told to lay down for just one hour after and as I am allergic to caffeine I couldn’t have any, although they did recommend it. I’m hoping there isn’t a next time but if there is, I’ll be lying down for a lot longer! Any excuse! xx

I can’t believe they still haven’t found the root of the problem yet! It’s awful that you thought you had MS for several months and thank god those tests were negative in the end. I hope you continue to enjoy your time with your family and find out what’s causing these problems soon!

Oh wow I don’t think I breathed reading this. You poor love what a few years but I was so relieved to read those results. As someone who is also waiting on some scary results you have given me hope and reminded me not to live in fear of them. I wish you nothing but the very best going forward xx #marvmondays

Thank you lovely, it’s awful waiting for results isn’t it? I feel as though our lives have been on hold, and how I wish that I had remained more positive. I will keep everything crossed that you receive good news, much love to you. xx

Gosh — what a story. I’ve just read the whole thing, from start to finish with my heart in my mouth. Bless you lovely — what a horrible, scary nightmare for you all. So, so happy to hear that the outcome is not as you feared. I can’t imagine what you must have been going through. Wishing you and yours a very happy Christmas. Here’s to a happy and healthy 2017. Cxx #TwinklyTuesday

Thank you so much. I think that’s exactly how we have been feeling for two and a half years now, as though we were simply holding our breath and bracing ourselves for the worst. It has been a huge relief to know that anything serious has been ruled out, now I can concentrate on getting myself better and enjoying a wonderful Christmas with my brood! Thank you for reading. xxx

Thank you Karen. Had it not been for the children I’m not sure I would have made it through. When you’re a Mummy you’ll do anything to just carry on and protect your children from worry, I’ve had to power through even on the days I wanted to lie in bed and cry. I’m hoping things are going to start looking up from here. xxx

My GOD what a time it has been for you! I can’t begin to imagine how it must feel to have such a huge worry on your shoulders! Such an inspiring post though… I am a real over thinker and worry about all the little things in life when really, it’s all about the big picture and relishing all aspects of it. Thank you for bringing things into perspective lovely! Xx #twinklytuesday

Thank you Lucy. I feel as though I have wasted so much time worrying about things that aren’t important, I really do plan on making the most out of every single day…even the bad ones! Thank you for reading. xxx

Laura, you really are an incredible lady. I could really feel the emotion as I was reading through this post and by the end I was so hoping it was going to be a positive result for you. I honestly don’t know how you hold it all together, having four children must be hard enough without dealing with all of this as well. I really hope that you get some answers about your health soon. I’m so glad you have such a great support network as well, as that’s what you really need. Gaz sounds like a truly amazing guy! Sending you lots of positive thoughts xx #MarvMondays

Thank you so much. It’s been the hardest two and a half years of our lives, which says a lot considering everything else we have been through, but I feel as though we are finally coming out the other side. I feel better now than I did this time last year, and although I have bad days, I have so many lovely days inbetween. It’s so important to stay positive, although very hard when you are waiting for test results constantly, I’m very grateful to Gaz and his eternal optimism! Thank you for reading and your lovely comment. xxx

Popping back from #DreamTeam. I was actually thinking about you a lot after reading this post, and wondering how one person can be so strong. I know you’ll probably say that you have to be, but I think you are a very special lady xx

Oh Laura you had me crying in the office! I’m so sorry you’ve been poorly and have had to go through all of this worry. I’m so thrilled you had positive news at the end of you wait. You are so right about worrying about the small things, I’m the same. When really all that matters is our family and the health to enjoy them. Lots of love and hugs xxx

I think you are remarkable, I’m in tears reading this both of sadness and at how wonderful your little family is, the love you have for your babies and they have for you and that beautiful bond and love between you and your husband. What an awful struggle you have experienced and may still have to overcome.
Your attitude is faultless and you are clearly someone with focus, drive and determination.

I wish you all,all the best and will follow your story.
With love xxx
#marvmondays 🌺

Thank you so much. Sometimes I forget just how much we have come through, it’s hard to see how far you have come when you’re still in the thick of it, writing it down was actually really therapeutic. I am incredibly lucky to have my husband and children, I don’t know how I would have survived it without them encouraging me to keep fighting. Thank you so much for reading and your lovely comment. xxx

I’ve said this before, but you are such a brave woman Laura, and a real inspiration. I’m so pleased that you had such positive news and you can all enjoy Christmas as a family together without having that extra worry. Not only are you amazing, but you also clearly have a wonderful husband to support you as well as your gorgeous children – I hope you can get to the bottom of whatever is wrong, but I don’t doubt that whatever it is, you’ll get through it together. Much love xx

Thank you Katy, for your lovely comment and for being so supportive throughout. It couldn’t have come at a better time to have this positive news for Christmas, I’m very lucky to have Gaz, my family and friends who have been there. Something like this really does open your eyes to what is important. xxx

Sending lots and lots of love, you have been through such a difficult time and approached it with such bravery. Waiting for results and appointments can feel like it takes forever when you are worried.

Oh gosh, I have just sobbed my way through this! As a sufferer of M.E. for 6 years, I went through all the emotions of mourning my life gone, being a burden on those around me, wondering what the future held. And yet I too bucked the trend and have been M.E.-free for 4 years now.

I hope you get to the bottom of what is causing these issues, but I think it’s wonderful that this experience has given you a new perspective and an even deeper joy in life, and that can only be a a good thing, especially with the on-going testing to get to the bottom of it. Sending much love to you and your family #BloggerClubUK

Thank you so much Lucy. The neurologist said we could well be looking at M.E, I was very poorly when it all began and he said that it can be brought about by a virus. I think the important thing is that I am improving, regardless of what it was, and as long as everything serious has been ruled out I have to have faith that I will get better. I’m so glad to hear that you are M.E free, it’s awful feeling poorly every day and not knowing why. I will definitely be taking the positives from this time in our lives, it has opened my eyes to just how precious life is and in that way, I have no regrets. I hope that you stay well, love to you. xxx

I’m actually really emotional after reading that and as I was reading I was hoping that by the end of the post you had some good news to share. Of course the negative MS result its great news but you are still not 100%

I love the way you refer to this as a bump on the road. You are such an inspiration and I hope you carry on enjoying life and being positive for a very very long time x #mg

Thank you so much, it’s definitely been a rollercoaster of emotions! Although we still have no answers, there are many possibilities – severe migraines, ME, a flare up of my existing condition fibromyalgia. We may never know what caused it, or how long it will take to, if ever, feel better, but I am just enjoying the here and now. Sadly none of us know what tomorrow will bring, it’s important that we are reminded of that every now and then. xxx

It’s awful when you don’t have a diagnosis, but since it’s not MS, hopefully you’ll be able to get better. And I suppose things still could have been a lot worse. Hope you find out what’s there and how to make it better! #eatsleepblogrt

Thank you, you’re right, I always think if the most serious things have been ruled out then I just need to stay positive and keep myself as well as possible. I’m hoping that 2017 is kinder to us all! xx

Thank you so much for sitting down, writing this sincere & honest post. My tears dropped when you talked about talking with your 12 year old. I worry too much about things that shouldn’t really matter instead of enjoying the sheer joys life puts on our path and this reminded me to steady back on that path instead of the one I find myself on. Big HUGS to you and your beautiful family. #bestandworst

Thank you so much. It was such a relief to be able to share such a huge part of our lives on my blog, it has been difficult having to keep it to ourselves but my children’s feelings are paramount. We will certainly be enjoying Christmas this year, I feel very lucky and as though I have a whole new approach to life, long may it last! xxx

I read this in one go, word by word, when you first posted on FB, and I was too emotional to leave a comment then… So many things to say.. First of all, I’m sorry that you’ve been so unwell and for so long… I’m so glad for you that it’s not MS, but this doesn’t take away the fact that you’re still not feeling great and must be so worried about what it is, still. I can’t even begin to think how much strength you needed in the last few months to ‘carry on as normal’. I don’t know if I could have. How amazing are you?! And you’re also amazing for looking at the bright side – I couldn’t agree with you more. We do worry about the little things too much (says the one who just got massively angry having found out the Reception Xmas concert is on Friday, and all the other kids seem to have letters about what they are wearing and mine doesn’t! And with a broken leg I can’t go out to sort it out tomorrow for Friday!) But yes, we do worry about silly little things and miss out on the things that are really important. This also showed you who your ‘real friends’ are and what the people around you ‘are made of’. It sounds like cliche’ (sorry), but I’ve realised this myself in the last 3 months having been homebound. Some people just want to help because it’s in their nature – some people will stick by you and love you no matter what. And some of the ones you expect that they will.. well, they just don’t. And you have an amazing husband by your side! So I rambled a lot, but thank you for sharing such a beautiful, personal, emotional and powerful post xx #BloggerClubUK

Oh Sara, thank you so much for such a lovely comment. I can’t imagine how awful it must be for you stuck in with a broken leg, that must have been so hard. It does show you who, and what, is important. I have been so touched that so many people have offered so much love and support to us at such a worrying time, and also so sad that those I would have expected to be there, haven’t. It really does open your eyes to the fact that life is so precious, and I think we take our health forgranted when we really shouldn’t. I have been so lucky that my husband and children have helped me through this, I think when you’re a Mummy you just carry on regardless, even on the days you just want to curl up in bed and cry. I hope that your leg heals soon and I wish you a lovely Christmas, thanks again. xxx

Oh darling, what a post, what a post. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through and what you’re going through, what a tough cookie you are and at the end of this post I feel your positive vibes gently shining through. I have everything crossed for you and thanks for linking up to the #bestandworst

Thank you so much. I do feel very positive, which is strange because actually we are still at square one, but I just have to trust that we have ruled out anything serious and remind myself how incredibly lucky I am! Thank you for your lovely comment. xxx

What an incredibly tricky time for you. Thank you for your bravery in sharing this so honestly. When I was in my 20s I had a strange thing start happening with my vision – when i wake up in the morning I lose part of my vision and it comes back within a few minutes – I had every test under the sun for a number of years. they suspected everything from tumours to MS to possible disease contracted whilst travelling abroad. No result. To this day we don’t know why it happens, but have just accepted it an hope for the best. It certainly makes you think on things differently.
I think you write beautifully and I love that you are drawing an appreciation of this moment right now from your experience. Stay strong.
#briliantblogposts

Thank you so much. Gosh that must have been scary, it’s awful when you are poorly but I always think your vision is so precious. Mine happened a few times while driving, thankfully only in one eye, but it really did terrify me. It’s very hard when you have no answers but I think you have to just trust that sometimes things happen that are completely unexplained, I am just hanging on to the fact that I feel better now than I did this time last year. Thank you for reading. xx

An emotional post for sure and I am always fascinated to hear your positivity coming through the lines of your post. Really crazy what you had to go through and at least there’s some relief in the results. Wishing you the very best in the future.

I am pleased to hear you are doing ok, having been through something very similar, I can feel your pain and understand how you feel. You have brought a tear to my eye and it is good to hear you don’t have MS. As much as there are a lot to help MS, I can imagine it’s been a huge relief. I hope you continue to feel well and this is just a bump on the road of life. Hugs xx

Thank you Susan. I’m sorry you have been through similar, it’s such a worrying time when you are still unsure as to what the future holds. I think that the main thing for me was realising that none of us know what the future holds, whether we are poorly or not. xx

I found myself having to step away and think what to reply. This was a really emotional read. When we have children we want for everything to be okay with us so we can be fully there for them. The uncertainty you are experiencing must be immense at times. Hang in there, be really kind to yourself and take one step at a time. I am so glad to hear you have a supportive husband. Thinking of you.

Thank you Kirsten, it has been so difficult at times, more than I have ever let on really, but I’m just trying to focus on the positives and remember that there are far more good days than there are bad. Long may that continue, thank you so much. xxx

You know already how happy and relieved I was to hear that you don’t have MS, you have been through way too much and I know there are unanswered questions which just sucks! I hope you can find some peace right now with Christmas and your beautiful family and your parents coming back home. You have an amazing hubby and I am so glad he has been there supporting you, you are both so blessed to have found one another! I think you know, but in case there is any doubt, I am always her for you and I truly hope one day we can meet in person and I can give you a huge hug. Be well my dear friend xx #mg

Ahh lovely, you have been so supportive and a true friend throughout, I feel blessed to have “met” you and one day we will definitely meet in person!! It’s funny how things like this open your eyes to what’s important, I’ve had more love and support from those at a distance than I have from many who are right here on my doorstep, that speaks volumes doesn’t it? We are going to have a wonderful Christmas together that’s for sure and I’m hoping that 2017 is kind to you and me both. Much love. xxx

Wow what a hard and difficult journey you’ve had. You have really put things in perspective for me as someone who suffers with anxiety and depression. Keep enjoying life and I hope you get a diagnosis soon. Take care of you and your family #brilliantblogpost

Thank you. I suffer with both depression and anxiety too and you can imagine, with all of this my anxiety has been through the roof! It’s actually really helped me to realised how important it is to just live in the moment though, I have wasted far too much time worrying about things I cannot change. Thank you for your lovely comment. xxx

Hi Laura, the waiting is always the worst. We have done a lot of waiting and diagnosis’s with our son and at times I felt like I was on another planet and not really here. A very surreal fee;ing when everything around us continues as normal.

I am so happy that your results came back negative for MS. And it’s better to know about the lesions and have them monitored than not to know they are there. You are lucky to have such a support other half and friends and they will prove to be worth their weight in gold in the future.

Hi Laura, I read your post right away when you linked up to the #DreamTeam, and even though I know you are ok, even on second reading I have tears in my eyes. I could feel your emotions dipping and diving through your writing and your positive outlook of making the most of every day is amazing. You are one strong lady. xx

Aww Annette, thank you so much. It has been the hardest time of our lives, which says a lot given what we have come through, but as a Mummy all you ever want is to be well for your children. It has been a rough couple of years but we really have come through it stronger than ever and I think it gives you a new appreciation for life and how to let the small things go. We are going to enjoy an amazing Christmas together that’s for sure. Thank you for your lovely comment, and for hosting as always. xxx

I am sat here tissues in handy ready to be discarded and wondered how I have read your blog and it all seems you’ve got it all together not knowing what you’ve been carrying on your shoulder. I am happy you don’t have MS and hope those lesions on brain are just that and nothing more.

Thank you so much, that’s really lovely of you. I think as Mums we just get on with it? It’s been incredibly difficult most days but I’m feeling a lot better now than I did two years ago, and even this time last year, so fingers crossed I will continue to improve. I hope so! xxx

This is a phenomenally moving story. But my God, your positivity shines through now in abundance and that is not an easy thing to do so fair play to you. 2.5 years is a long time to have health issue after health issue thrown at you, I genuinely do know what that feels like having had 4 stents inserted into my heart in Jan 2016 which followed my wife having major back surgery 6 months earlier along with numerous scares for our little girls. Hospital visits have become way too frequent for our liking, something I think you will agree with. The way you right about it is so admirable, very honest and incredibly brave. You have a new fan and follower in me for sure. So glad the results of the MRI were as positive as could be expected, keep the chin up and keep on having as much fun with your family & friends as humanly possible. #MMBC & #BigPinkLink 🙂

BTW – This is an old friend of mine from school who has MS but it taking on the world – she is an absolute inspiration full stop, well worth a read https://republicofemma.wordpress.com/

Thank you so much. Wow 2016 sounds like a tough year for all of you, I can’t even imagine! I think it changes you irreversibly doesn’t it? I definitely won’t ever take my health for granted, nor will I dwell on the things that I cannot change. Life is so precious and I feel as though this has really opened my eyes to so much. I shall have a read of your friends blog, although MS has been ruled out for now, long term it may still develop. I’m just living each day as it comes, I’m sure you can relate to that. I hope that you and your family have a much healthier 2017, love to you. xxx

Oh Laura – it sounds like a hell of a time. I can identify with some of this. I get through my telling myself it’s a bump like you describe and I tell myself over and over that there are so many other people in worse situations all over the world. It sounds as if you have the perfect attitude now – like you say “get outside”. Life can be so hard at times and even harder for some. It was so lovely to meet you all last night. Take care and lots of love xxx

Thank you lovely, it was so lovely to meet you too!! It has been such a rough few months, well years really, but just getting out and about and carrying on with life is the best way to deal with anything I think. Plus with the children it’s impossible not to, us Mums don’t have time to be ill do we?! xxx

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WELCOME!!

Hi, my name is Laura. Blogger, wife and Mummy to five very special children - Lewis 13, Eva 5, Megan 4, Harrison 3 and Joseph who lives forever in our hearts. I write about the ups and downs of family life, co-parenting, love, loss, and the subjects close to my heart - stillbirth, miscarriage and chronic illness. It's a pleasure to share it with you all.