Pay attention. What’s on Uranus and Jupiter, who knows? What’s on this planet, I know. And I know one of its most famous faces is Robert De Niro. Not saying cuddly, chummy, fuzzy, friendly. Saying famous.

So the montage. Classy Beverly Hills Hotel. The Dalai Lama stayed in it. Harvey Weinstein entertained in it. De Niro’s in the elevator. A lady gets on, stares, and her gizzard turns to tapioca. Can’t believe. In shock. Her idol actually lives, breathes and takes elevators. So excited she can hardly speak. Finally, summoning courage, she says: “Pardon me, but aren’t you Dustin Hoffman?”

So he answers, “Yes.”

So at Vanity Fair’s party I asked why’d Bob say that. He says, “Well, what else am I going to say?”

Stuffing bodies, fluffing egos, beats the Oscars. In MM and Rin Tin Tin’s era, post-Academy Award hoo-hahs were given by agent Swifty Lazar. Then the one male, Oscar, was partied by the one female — actor David Janssen’s widow, Dani — who got those Streisand, Nicholson used-to-bes. Then it was insider Norby Walters nailing whomever was left. Then came Elton, whose crowd is nothing to be ashamed of.

The evening’s now upsizing. James Cameron gave a party. Madonna gave a party. But the mother of all galas? The Vanity Fair invite. With the usual nice drop-ins like McCartney, Pink, Conan, Amys Adams and Poehler, from Bo Derek to Orlando Bloom.

At the door as I arrived, Joe Scarborough and his Mika, whom he sees early in the a.m. plus (according to longtime rumors that they have denied) late in the p.m. New betrothee Allison Williams waved a large engagement ring. Reese Witherspoon wore a sexy dress. Greta Gerwig, Judd Apatow, Jimmy Buffett, who says fie on buffet, had been there since early seated dinner. Ditto the chop suey of Preet Bharara with LL Cool J.

Streep: “I don’t know about anything. I’m just happy. I’ve had a bottle of red wine.”

So Scorsese, whom I assumed is not out of employment, what’s next? “My HBO rock ’n’ roll project with Mick Jagger, who’s worked on it for years. He’s executive producer. And next week I’m in Thailand starting another movie.”

Behind him a manager in my ear: “DiCaprio lost because he’s too pretty. But he’s now 39, looking less pretty, so he’ll win in another year.”

Kerry Washington, holding her belly — “I’m due next month” — posed for pictures in her purple Jason Wu.