I am a c-section mom twice over. I planned for natural births with both of my babies, but sadly it wasn’t to be. After my first cesarean almost 4 years ago, I felt great sadness. But I held on to hope for a VBAC in the future. Unfortunately, when my uterus ruptured with the birth of my second son, I was whisked away yet again to the operating table. We aren’t having any more children, so I knew that I would never have the birth I wanted.

For me, this wasn’t about right or wrong. I won’t stand in judgement over any woman’s birth choices because no two women are the same. But there were several things about natural birth that I desperately wanted and they all had to do with that final moment. The one where they say pain gives way to euphoria, when you snuggle the sweet baby to your chest and your eyes meet for the first time. I wanted those moments. Instead I saw my dreams slip away as I lay under impossibly bright lights. I adored both of my babies, but I was genuinely grieved by the loss of those dreams.

So I allowed a grieving process.

My youngest was born in July of 2011. That birth was the one when my uterus ruptured and took half my bladder with it. I was traumatized. I was sad. And I carried that pain around with me for over a year. I didn’t know I was doing it all the time. But I would hear or read a birth story and my gut reaction would not be happiness for that person. It would be sadness for the birth I didn’t get.

Now it’s a new year and the time for grieving has passed. It’s still true that I didn’t get what I wanted. The reality is, sometimes that happens. My reality also includes two healthy children and a body that has healed. And while I don’t always think that time heals wounds, in this case I am finally ready to let it go and look forward.

I’m releasing my birth disappointment in 2013 to make more room for love. I’m shaking it off. And boy it feels good!

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i was disjointed with my birth, too, having had a csection. but i was a bit relieved that it really would not have been possible for my son any other way. he was breech with the cord around his neck. i had a month to get used to him being breech and to try to flip him, to no avail. but at least i knew why.

sarah

i feel your emotions and disappointments as well i just had a boy on april 1st 2012 and found out at my last midwife appointment that he was breech i was in disbelief that it was just my luck that i was completely against wanting a c section we booked to turn him but the doctor said at the scan there was not enough fluid and my placenta was already calcified so ditto that idea. they booked me in for a c-section the next day and after spending all day waiting they announced i had to go home they were held up in theatre ugh i was so axious to get it over with.

they booked it again for about 5th april a week and a half later and i went home. a few days later i went into labour early morning bout 3am i knew i couldnt eat or drink if i was having c section so i rang into the hospital at about 6am to tell them. they were calm and said ok well just ring back when you get a bit further along, haha i said he is breech and i was supposed to have a c section a few days ago and teh lady said öh my gosh you need to come in now” it was all just a mess they couldnt get in a drip i was too dehydrated from not being able to eat or drink i had bruises all up my arm from where they tried 50 times and my natural birth was gone out the window i was sectetly hoping that he would turn through labour little shit! lol
afterwards he did not breastfeed was very fussy had to turn to formula after 6 weeks of trying and he just kept losing weight he was 8lb born and had lost a kg b4 leaving teh hospital 4 days later he was very healthy bub no complications just didnt want to breastfeed

i felt so ripped off for a long time and felt judged and like i had missed out on something so special but i am now worried about a vbac as it would just be my luck that i would not get the natural birth again. sometimes its just not meant to be.

Janine

I had one vaginal delivery with a heavy epidural & one vaginal delivery au natural…I think the “no two women are the same” rule goes for the experience as well. I did NOT enjoy not getting pain relief, feeling pushing, & when my son came out, my hands were spasming & shaking (adrenaline/birth hormones) so that I couldn’t even hold him while on my chest. It was weird/painful/scary- definitely not euphoric! lol

Nicole

As a first time mom, I had all these preconceived notions about how my birth would be and how I wanted to raise my child. Nothing went as planned. I wanted an au natural birth, no meds. I wanted to breastfeed and use cloth diapers. None of that panned out either.

For me, I guess the birth wasn’t the most devastating. It was sad but I already had to deal with a baby in distress. I had time to prepare for the c-section. I was, however, dismayed by the fact that I had so many breast feeding problems. He didn’t latch and I didn’t produce much of anything to help him eat and lower the bilirubin.

I really did feel like a failure as a mother so very early on. Over the span of my maternity leave I spoke with many friends and got more comfortable with my situation. I look forward to breast feeding in July 2013 with my next but I know that another c-section is in my future. I am a good mother and I refuse to put my relationship with my child in that place of dismay again. I rejoice in there place in my arms. It might not be perfect but things seldom are.

Stay strong and remember what’s right for you may not be what others believe as right. Every woman’s body is different and somethings no matter how well laid the plans just aren’t meant to be.

Sara

I understand where you’re coming from. Ironically, my second (and last) was a scheduled c-section and I still didn’t get the birth experience I wanted. My first delivery I was so exhausted from 7 hours of pushing that I didn’t feel like I truly enjoyed meeting my child, so based on that (and other factors) I decided to have a scheduled c-section with my second. I had some weird reaction to the anethesia and after telling the doctor that I my hands felt funny the next thing I remember was waking up on the table and I couldn’t move anything except my eyelids and had 2 tubes down my throat. We chose not to find out the gender so everyone kept telling me “the baby is fine, the baby is fine” but I couldn’t talk so I didn’t even find out if it was a boy or a girl until the next morning (he was born at 12:02am). So even planned c-sections can turn out to be a disappointment from what you’re expecting, too.

Jane

I’ve had three children vaginally and that “euphoria” people talk about is a little silly. I was ecstatic because they handed me a healthy baby. I did not have any sort of cosmic epiphany because I pushed them out of my loins. I do not feel part of a club or that I deserve a medal. The only thing I wanted was healthy babies and that’s what I got. Birthing (however you do it) lasts a few minutes or hours, it’s the parenting part that’s amazing, makes you a member of a special club and warrants a medal.

Janet

Good for you! I feel for you, as I also wanted a natural, unmedicated birth and ended up with a c-section after 2 days of labor and pitocin. You are great for letting go! Happy New Year!

Maureen

The key to what you write here is that you allowed yourself to grieve. Some people feel that they are not allowed to or that others make them feel worse than they do if they express feelings of grief. Sounds like what you did was very healthy. You had disappointment and even some trauma and so it is perfectly reasonable that you should need some time to work through that.

Your third paragraph which is just a simple sentence is the most powerful part of your piece.

Good for you for allowing yourself time for a grieving process so that now you can put it behind you and move on. Well done. Your story will help others who feel similarly.

Carly

I’m with Jane there! My first was vaginal, second c-section (breach so no choice), third vaginal. I didn’t get any feelings of euphoria because I pushed two of them out. I felt the same after every birth, happy it was over and happy that I had a healthy, beautiful baby. I’m sure some women may feel the euphoria, but there was nothing euphoric for me about suffering through pain, pushing, and looking my worst (I have the pics to prove I looked my worst too lol). It is the end result that brings you that feeling you are looking for and I bet you had it, but let it be overshadowed by the fact things didn’t go how you had hoped.

Irishmama7

Congratulations and Good Luck! You should be very proud of yourself. I am happy for you as I still carry around the trauma from my C-section. I am working through it and trying to see where that might lead me. But Congratulations and Happy New Year!

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