The time has finally come to make a decision. And I am ready to make that decision.

I had originally chosen financial safety and security, so that I could buy my own home and become a mother in 10 years time.

But I think I was wrong about everything - I don't want to be paying off a mortgage for the rest of my life (I can just get a council place like I planned), and I don't think having a baby is the best idea. I was just feeling emotional about it and broody, but somehow I think that doing other things like travelling the world, and maybe doing excavations in different countries is a much better idea.

I focused so much on the most sensible decision, everything was about me doing this so that I could have a child.

But the best thing for me, I think, is to do something that I love. I could enjoy the beauty of history so much, and history seems to capture me so completely that I can never let it go. I long to travel the world (like I used to), and go on excavations abroad. There is so much that I can do with my life which means that I would really be living my life for the first time.

So, in conclusion, I have chosen the path of working towards something I love, and actually living for once!

One thing I hate is when I find myself facing a crossroads. It makes me confused about which road I should take. I'm always afraid of going in the wrong direction (as I have so many times before). That is what I am facing now.

This is not a new thing for me though, This particular crossroads always seems to pop up every once in a while. Especially when I get broody and one of the roads would make me more financially stable so that I could have a child in 10 years time.

My crossroad is always the tug of war I have inside me concerning becoming either a psychologist or working in a museum.

The problem is that it seems almost impossible to get a job in a museum (the field is very competitive). And the present state of the economy makes this ten times worse. The way things are going with the governmental cuts museums will just be run by volunteers!
I felt that becoming a psychologist would give me more security, then I would be able to buy a house and have a baby in 10 years time. I was hoping that with this option I would have a lot more money and would get to be a mum in the future.

This time I have to decide for good, one way or the other. I just hope that I make the right choice!

Do I go straight down the road of more money and security or turn towards the road on the right - the road of the job that I would be passionate about, maybe even travelling the world?

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

I feel like I am back at square one, I always feel like that at this time - at the end of my period. It makes my hormones go crazy which in turn makes my nerves go insane. Added to that the cold weather has made it almost impossible for me to function as usual and go outside. I have also allowed myself to relapse by letting the cold keep me indoors in a safe and more comfortable cocoon. I have been feeding the nerves and anxiety like I used to do, and even when I have been indoors I have let all the things I have learned (to fight against my anxiety and agoraphobia) run away from my mind. Everything has been against me going outside regularly, but I should have fought against it more. The past few days have been like hell, feeling so fittish and awful - and instead of letting go and not caring if I have a seizure, I have been giving into extreme panic and am letting the fear grip me once again. From tomorrow I must start to let go of the control that I cling to so tightly - this is the key to my recovery.

"To read is to fly: it is to soar to a point of vantage which gives a view over wide terrains of history, human variety, ideas, shared experience and the fruits of many inquiries.”

“The greatest gift is a passion for reading.”

“How my life has been brought to undiscovered lands, and how much richer it gets - all from words printed on a page.... How a book can have 560 pages, but in only three pages change the reader's life.”

For some reason I felt more nervous going to the cinema today then I did last week. Its mainly due to the anti depressants making my vision so blurred. This makes me feel so paranoid that I am going to have a seizure and makes it harder for me to go out and do things. Thats why in weak moments I feel as if I am getting worse. I'm not really, its just the side effects of my anti depressants (and beta blockers) that make it seem that way.

The whole time I was watching the film I felt this internal urge to walk out and just come bach home, but I really wanted to stay and see the film - so I focused on the movie, "My afternoons with Margueritte". I'm glad I did because despite of the nerves I really enjoyed myself and it was a great film. It was a French film (with English subtitles) about a largely built man who everyone ridicules (calling him stupid) who forms a very strong friendship with a petite and kind elderly lady. He finds it difficult to read but she reads to him and shows the great joy that books can bring, changing his life forever.

I love films like this that inspire me to fully indulge my passion for reading, after all..

"He that loves a book will never want a faithful friend, a wholesome counselor, a cheerful companion, an effectual comforter. By study, by reading, by thinking, one may innocently divert and pleasantly entertain himself, as in all weathers, as in all fortunes."