Physically Unable to Perform: Predictions for Tim Tebow, Peyton Manning, the Saints, and the Rest of the NFL's Offseason Apocalypse

David: What’s the one thing that worries you about Tim Tebow joining the Jets? Mine is Tebow somehow finding himself in a situation that involves him taking his top off for Terry Richardson.

Jeff: I guess seeing him at a Gang Gang Dance show, or drinking coffee with Damien Loeb at La Colombe would be scary. I would like to see him in an NC-17 Richardson shoot with Courtney Stodden. My biggest fear though is that he won’t get playing time. Or will get playing time? I think he and Mark Sanchez both throw the ball like a mule gives birth.

David: I’m sure the Jets are pulling together a promotional email based around that now. "Two of the NFL’s Most Frankly Disconcerting Passers...One Great Opportunity to Buy $85 Upper Tier Tickets."

Jeff: They were already advertising Tebow Jets T-shirts in the newspaper today. I would actually like to see him join the Mets...Denver was right to get rid of Tebow. We knew Elway never really liked him, and acted like "the dad" in _There Will Be Blood _while in pursuit of Peyton Manning. You know he got all sassy in front of a mirror at least once. Defiant, headstrong, and toothy.

David: Apparently the closer for Denver was Elway having a conversation with Manning about "greatness." Which is a fair thing for those two to talk about, but also not a conversation I’ll have, ever, with anyone. The closest I can hope for is hearing Papa John Schnatter have that conversation with himself in a fancy restaurant’s bathroom.

David: I’m concerned about the _ New York Post _breaking Tebow down, honestly. One cutting pun after another, until suddenly it’s Week 7 and there’s a hasty marriage and divorce to Paz De La Huerta and Tebow is starting fights with Vincent Gallo at Tenjune.

Jeff: It will be great to have 15 different columns about why Tebow is terrible and/or awesome, depending on that week’s outcome.

David: I feel like his culture war significance will spike with the Jets, if only because Jets fans and the media that serve them are actually entirely as depraved as Focus on the Family thinks everyone in this part of the country is. But I also see Tebow surviving things fine.

Jeff: I am more worried about Mark Sanchez than Tebow. I can see him losing it. Trying to frame Tebow for something, walking along Sandy Hook at dawn screaming. Sending USB drives full of "evidence" to Mike Lupica. Trying to get Brian Austin Greene and Mario Lopez to write letters of support for him.

David: Rex Ryan and Tebow having a meeting at McCormick and Schmick’s in Paramus is more than I can quite get my head around. Rex stuffing fistfuls of shrimp into his mouth and talking about motorcycles. Tebow quietly drinking a ginger ale and being like, "This is a little spicy. I think I should send this back, but maybe that’s just New York?"

Jeff: Sanchez breathing on the window, peeking in while standing on his girlfriend’s back.

David: "They’re having dip, Brandee!"

Jeff: As Will Leitch pointed out the other day, it is interesting that Tony Sparano is the Jets’ offensive coordinator; if anyone is going to build an offense that works for Tebow, it’d be the Wildcat guy. It is also interesting that Tony Sparano could go anywhere in New York and not get recognized. He resembles all of us: a middle-aged pedestrian who broke his pelvis while stepping into a pothole. And so he quietly eats his soup and massages his grudges. Also, on a personal level I’d love to see Rex, Sparano, and Tebow concoct some sort of offense together. Somehow I think it will involve veal meatballs being thrown at waitresses.

David: Whatever the football version of the record Harry Nilsson and John Lennon made together while in a three-week blackout is, it would be that. "Why are all the linemen wearing fur coats? Because that is, uh, apparently the way that Kanye and Tony and Tim and I drew it up during that month I don’t remember."

Jeff: I genuinely enjoyed Tebow’s success last year, because I like seeing awkward things work.

David: But he played most of last year with the look of someone who had suddenly been asked to pilot a submarine.

Jeff: Right. And he has to stop doing that little draw play up the middle he likes so much. The one where he does a slow fake hand-off that lasts 14 seconds and then lurches forward as if he’s a toddler being summoned to a piñata. He has to grow.

David: He’ll definitely work hard, and he seems a good bet not to continue the genital self-photography tradition innovated by Jets quarterbacks. Tebow’s an admirable enough guy, in the way that, say, a tall glass of whole milk is admirable. If Jets fans want to boo a glass of whole milk for not being a Bud Light tall boy, that’s on them.

Jeff: But, ultimately we know nothing good will happen for the New York Jets with either Tebow or Sanchez at the helm. Tebow will get praised. Tebow will get booed. Salman Rushdie will write a meaningful essay on him. Someone on Fox Red Eye will claim he’s not as squeaky clean as he seems. Someone will claim he plays QB like a Duane Reade bag full of oysters. Mark Sanchez will introduce a new fragrance known as Dimples. Jets fans will stand dourly in front of conversion vans in the Met Life parking lot, rehashing old Howard Stern bits for each other and saying, "Same Old Jets." Their season will end with Kerry Collins at QB. They will find a nepotism-y kid named Erik Wyche or Garrett Hasselbeck to draft to wear a baseball hat on the sidelines for a few seasons.

David: As we always knew it would.

Jeff: The NFL offseason has been full of SAD DESPERATE players.

Jeff: Plaxico Burress. Jeremy Shockey.

David: Oh yeah. Just Canseco after Canseco, somehow.

Jeff: Oh, the Giants...they don’t sound like such a bad idea now, Shockey? "I would like to make friends again."

David: I like that Shockey might’ve picked this moment to turn state’s evidence for some reason. Violating whatever Brian Bosworth in Stone Cold code he’d previously been living his life by.

Jeff: Yeah, I don’t care if he snitched, I just care that he wants to have a last hurrah on the Giants. His ankles are made of taffy...I don’t know what will happen with the Saints, other than me trying to get Jon Gruden to coach them.

David: They’ll probably still be pretty good?

Jeff: If Drew Brees could escape, I’d say he should go to Miami. Where NO ONE WANTS TO GO.

David: Such nice weather! Such an inevitable "Matt Moore Is Just Straight-Up Our Top Dude Pause No Homo SMH" situation.

Jeff: Even D-III QBs are like, "I am actually going to be working at Shoney’s, so no thanks, I don’t want to play for your ’professional’ football team."

David: "Pretty good gig, I’m vacuuming under the salad bar."

David: It’s weird, too, because it’s still Miami, and football players are going to be way more drawn to Miami than I would be. I don’t want to go to a nightclub that’s just, like, two bars and dozens of fuck-swings. I don’t want to get yelled at by a Russian guy in a Lamborghini for "looking poor." But some people are into that. And while the Dolphins are bad, people are signing with Buffalo.

Jeff: Yeah, the resurgence continues. Maybe it will last for more than half a season.

**David:**I like that team and want them to do well. I know you’ve had some bad experiences with Bills fans. And I don’t really want to go to Buffalo unless I have really detailed information on a place in Buffalo where treasure is buried. But I want that team to be good.

Jeff: I love Buffalo! More offseason drama: Kurt Warner is tweeting about how Peyton won’t text him back. Peter King is answering every "mean" tweet. People are whining about Alex Smith being betrayed. I think that Alex Smith will be fine.

David: Insofar as he is rich and has his old job back, yeah, I’d say so. His old job with basically the best team in the NFC. Is the idea that he’d be offended that his team expressed interest in signing a Hall of Fame quarterback?

Jeff: It’s like "Sorry Eric Torkleson, we had a chance to sign Walter Payton. You might lose your job."

**David:**I kind of sense Alex Smith is smart enough to get that, given the choice between a four-time MVP and Hall of Famer and a dude who totally lost his gig to Tim Rattay a half-dozen times, the Niners did what they had to do.

**David:**Are the Broncos just going to give Peyton all the old Colts he wants?

Jeff: Are they going after some?

David: I’ve read that they’re in on Dallas Clark and Jeff Saturday. And presumably Marvin Harrison and Eric Dickerson.

Jeff: Jeff Saturday seems like the kind of guy who would tell on everyone, too. "They’re drinking Kool-Aid after lights out, and I know how much you spent on those bedsheets."

David: "It’s a respect thing."

Jeff: "I just am worried about their sugar intake and peeing the bed." All those guys are like 41 and have fused spines. Dallas Clark tries to catch the ball with his helmet.

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