Monday, March 28

As you guys know I've been MIA for awhile now. I am currently jobless at the moment. Jobless for 2 months now. I was contemplating & being indecisive at the moment actually. So in the end I started to apply for enrollment to go further studies in Perth. I was looking into few university and stuff and decided on Childcare.

Received letter of Offer, at that time I was preparing for IELTS but I don't feel ready for it. Cause I'm being indecisive as usual. I was lucky enough to received placement test so that IELTS could be waive. Unfortunately I screwed up the test and I failed, it was such easy test -.- . I'm so sad. I was given another offer to study English course at Perth and directly link to Durack after completing the course. I was every happy to received so many offer and opportunity. Then again it involved such large amount of money, I have to decline and decided to go for IELTS with all the turpsy daisy round around almost a month.

My mom was right when she told me that I wasn't even making effort to go for what I really want. I did make few effort but way much slower than I'd imagine. I was taking my time actually. I always had a mind that thinks I'm able to this able to that and everything in speed of light. In real life I'm wasting my time and becoming a sloth is my forte.

I just need to get my ass out of this house and make more effort that's all. I become much more indecisive when I have so many choices & opportunity given to me. Cause even when I couldn't get into Perth I still have another plan. Even my plan doesn't work out I still have another choices. See! I have so many choices I couldn't even think of choosing. I was practically waiting and go with the flow! I'm suck at choosing. I just hope I know what I really want and go for it. Like seriously.

Wednesday, March 16

It was all His plans. For me to go through such hardship in life. I was feeling out of the world whole time. In a delusional perfect life. I was so happy in my life. I went through quite smooth & nice all my life. Delusional is pushing me deep down. When delusional starts to fades it ticks me off badly. I always thought I did my best, I'm doing fine, I'm independent, I'm lovable but in truth. I'm not, I'm not perfect, I procrastinate, I'm not making effort to become a better & stronger person. I always appear strong enough to hid it from everyone else, but deep down I'm not in any better. I'm no where better. I feel vulnerable & naked in all those moment that happened. I was in fear & traumatized. I still do.

At these moment in my life, I went onto roller coaster ride without knowing fear. I'm riding it with excitement, fun & happy. When I realized it was to late. Coaster ride turns bad, I'm riding with fear, anxiety & depression. Excitement doesn't last long as fear. It kept us minded all the time. Unable to develop any defenses without prior notice.

I've been taking my time to heal my inner self & mind. I was so afraid, I am so scared of everything. I live in a completely shut life. It was an indescribable feelings. I long for something, I felt like I've been searching for that one thing, I would never reach. I've been trying to catch it but it was nowhere found. I search and search and search. I'm so tired. I'm breaking down. I am unable to concentrate anymore. I'm lost.

But I believe I will get better I just need longer time. Oh God Heal me. I've been trying and I will keep on trying. I will not run away. I will go for what I want. I will search for where & what I belong to. I will appreciate my life I have right now. To love & appreciate people around me. To make a better life out by myself. Live in a happy life. Be stronger, Be confident, Be a better person.

Keeping myself in mind that Lord Jesus will always be by my side no matter what. I want to live, to live and look for adventure. There is up & down moment. But I believe everything will be fine. I'm glad I went to my church retreat for 3 days 2 night. It was fun, tired but memorable for me. I will embrace all my flawless & strength together to make me a better person. Taking one step at a time.

I am running away right now. Doing some preparation before my escape success. Started contacting with my agent right now. Trying for an escape on May 2016. While I was struggling off with my depression I am not able to do anything right now. I am trying my best to drive again but once I start driving I shivered & start breaking cold sweats. I still felt traumatized to drive & being alone. Trying my best to shake it off. That's why I'm running away so I could forget everything.

Its not that I don't want to work or anything I just couldn't move on without any pushes & support. Being Asian and most of all comes from Chinese backgrounds kinda pissed me off sometimes. Words sometimes comes out from my moms mouth is just unbearable. I've been sucking all those harsh word since I was born. Sometimes it back fires me a little bit.

To tell you the truth I was only running away from reality but now I want to stay away from this house. It doesn't makes me any good. I know my parents is doing this for my sake but I just can't bear it anymore. I was so comfortable at the same time it doesn't make me any good. If I don't run away now I will be stuck in my parents shelter until I die.

I want to get out of this shelter & build my own shelter. I don't want to create a shelter that is already broken & traumatized with. I want to start over & being independent all by myself. Because if I'm attached too much with my parents I'm not going to move on. The minute I am talking happily but I might not know what comes tomorrow. I might not be able to let go when they are gone. I'm practicing being independent so in the future I'm not going to suffer anymore.