Paging Michelangelo

"Artist needed. Must love owls," said one September post, which had something quite specific in mind.

We need an artist to depict the following: an owl skeleton with a parrot on its shoulder. The parrot is not a skeleton and is very colorful. The parrot has a peg leg, with a pirate hat on. The owl has an eye patch and a gold chain necklace with a skull on the pendant of said necklace. The skull in the pendant has an eye patch on the opposite eye of the owl (long story there don't ask). The owl skeleton also has on a wizard's hat with that typical wizard hat wrinkle. The owl is standing on a cowboy hat from a whale's spout. This all is within a snow globe. That santa is holding with his only good hand because his other hand is a hook. Mrs. Clause is pulling on Mr. Clause's coat with one of those dinosaur mouth grabbers that all 80's children know.

The artist who could handle the commission would get both some cash and "a prize."

(Side note: the oddly specific nature of this image request parallels those often received by our own creative director, Aurich Lawson, who has fielded article image suggestions that make this one look absolutely normal by comparison.)

Needed: one lap for aging cat

Next up, the "feline lap surrogate," which I want to believe is a joke but fear is not. This job post is exactly what it sounds like, viz., the surrogate goes to a home each morning from 8am-12pm and gets paid $15 an hour to sit in a chair and "allow my cat to sit on their lap (the cat is attention seeking, and has been decreasing my productivity as of late)." The ideal candidate must have cat handling experience and no allergies.

"I do not need anyone in the afternoon since the sun warms the window sill by that point, and the cat will prefer the window sill to a lap," the ad concludes. "Breakfast and lunch will be provided each day."

The Morrissey shrine

"Sing your life" with this shrine to Morrissey

"The more you ignore me, the close I get," Morrissey famously sang, but you won't be able to ignore the downbeat crooner when this this Morrisey shrine sits in your living room. I'm not sure what this ad's inclusion in the "best of" list says about the taste of Craigslist users, except that it is catholic enough to encompass suffering that is itself worthy of a Morrissey song.

My unemployment benefits ran out and I have to downsize, so I won't be able to take the shrine with me. No more reeling around the fountain, indeed. Comes from a home where smoking was previously allowed and 2 cats lived but they both died this summer. And I might as well tell you that I had to exchange all the stuff my ex-fiancee and I had at each other's places this morning, since he ended our relationship just as things were looking most grim for me, so I might be sobbing when you come by.

A question of fertilizer

I have a neighbor who grows astonishing amounts of vegetables in his back yard and regularly shares his bounty of tomatoes, zucchini, and pumpkins with me. So I had my neighbor in mind when I read this helpful ad:

We just dug up about 50 gallons of Jerusalem artichokes. They have a lot of soil attached.... I bet chickens would love them. They are piled just inside the sidewalk next to our pedestrian entrance. Bring your own container. Help yourself. No need to call unless you want to know if there are any left.

Neighborly! Community spirited! Though there is this one little caveat that elevated a humble post about extra vegetables to something much more: "Consider them livestock feed as they were grown in an area where a guy was pooping."

The case of the missing bacon

With many of these ads, one knows they aren't entirely serious—and yet one suspects that a real story might lie behind them. Take, for instance, the case of the bacon sniffing dog:

We bought some bacon and some coffee this morning but due to being drunk we seem to have misplaced it. We are 90-93% sure it's in our house somewhere. But where? We seriously have no idea. It's driving us nuts. We just want to drink some coffee and eat some freaking bacon. If you have a dog that likes smelling and finding bacon we would love to have him over. We will even feed you bacon once it's found. Please help.

Are these guys seriously looking for a dog to immediately come over and sniff out lost bacon in their apartment? Doubtful. Did they actually get drunk and lose said bacon? Far more plausible.

Five "guys"

Before he gets married, every man wants one last night of freedom... to explore a dungeon. With his buddies. Preferably with a topless dungeon master.

Okay, perhaps it's not a universal fantasy, but it was the request of one guy from Prince George's County, Maryland. "Looking for a woman with Dungeon Master experience in Dungeons and Dragons (specifically 3.0 or 3.5 editions) to run a game," said the ad. "The event is for a Bachelor Party and the 'future husband to be' would prefer if the DM could be topless. With that said, I ensure you that nothing else is expect of you [sic] other than an exciting adventure."

The woman, who should sport a cup size of "C or greater," would of course not find this experience at all creepy/demeaning. "There will be 5 'guys' that will be participation [sic] including myself," the ad continued. (One wonders why exactly "guys" is in quotes.) "We are at all [sic] above the age of 24. Each of us are gentlemen and will treat the Dungeon Master with the utmost of respect."

Like so many of the best "best of" ads on Craigslist, this one just might possibly be real.

The gator got my pig

I need help catching the gator that ate my prized pig. My pig (Rudy Belle) was wearing a very expensive necklace, a generational necklace, which was in my wife's family for years. The emotional distress I have had from losing my pig is nothing like the stress I will receive from my wife if I don't get it back. It happened at the Blue Cypress Golf Club and it scared the bejesus out of me. I spoke to management and they said there was nothing they could do. If anyone has found the necklace or has seen this gator (has a weird blotchy snout) pleasssse contact me.

Now, some of us at Ars are edging towards 50, so we've been around the links a few times, and stories about necklace-wearing pigs being devoured on the golf courses of Jacksonville by villainous gators with blotchy snouts raise questions of plausibility. On the other hand—this is Florida.

I chose not to wear the glove as I have a skin condition that causes me to sweat a substance not unlike butter (but only a fraction of its deliciousness) and I wouldn't want to ruin this perfectly lovely glove.

Since I found the glove three hours ago I've tried to make the best home I can for it. We played two games of Risk (he won both!), watched a documentary about the internet and had a heated debate about Obamacare.

When I say we had a heated debate about Obamacare, I am not suggesting that the glove can speak. He simply nodded in agreement while I went over my 45 bullet points. So if you have lost a left-handed black glove that has the capabilities of speech, I apologize, this is not your glove. Your search, unfortunately, continues.

Clever! But also quite mercenary, since the writer goes on to note: "I wish I could simply return the glove to you, but I don't have much money and I want some of yours."

Driver malfunction

Craigslist posts as tool of parental discipline? It's possible, as one parent's angry post can attest.

Selling my disrespectful, alcohol abusing, dwi arrested, spoiled bar bum of a daughters perfect BMW X3. The is a white X3 si, with xenon headlights, panoramic roof, all beige leather interior, all options with 105,000 miles on it. Just completed its 100,000 maintenance 2 months ago and is in complete and perfect condition with only the driver being the malfunction. We paid $20,500 12 months ago for the vehicle. Needing to sell to pay her legal battles and to buy her a shiny pink bicycle with a horn until she gets her act and her life in order some time soon.

Dragon slayer needed

Finally, if you're from the Grand Rapids, Michigan area, you no doubt saw "the rather large green dragon that has been flying over the north east side of Grand Rapids for the better part of a week" back in April. One poster sought a dragon slayer online, asking only that (s)he:

1.) Lure said dragon away from Grand Rapids to a more rural area.
2.) Force said dragon to land in rural area.
3.) Slay said dragon in whatever way you see fit.

There's no pay in dragon slaying, unfortunately, and the poster is quite clear to note that only the green dragon should be slain. "Please note that I am not talking about the red dragon that frequents the area from time to time," the post concludes. "He and I have an agreement."

44 Reader Comments

I should point out that a well known attribute of red dragons is their more amenable disposition to negotiation. Green dragons on the other hand, much more likely to either just kill you out right or at the very least steal your sheep in the middle of the night.

I should point out that a well known attribute of red dragons is their more amenable disposition to negotiation. Green dragons on the other hand, much more likely to either just kill you out right or at the very least steal your sheep in the middle of the night.

Don't believe me? Just ask the glove, he'll tell you.

What are you talking about!? Green dragons are all good and shit. They're, like, all down with nature.

Red dragons, on the other hand, will come into your home, throw you and your loved ones out, gather all your belongings and lay down on them and go to sleep for decades. Turns your once nice, filled home into a mountain of lonely memories. They're the kind of terror that only a one-gloved topless DM could hope to find a party strong enough to take on.

Date: 2012-12-08, 2:27PMNow interviewing for a fart lighting assistant, no experience necessary will train, those with low sensitivity to odor and heat encouraged to apply, please respond with a cover letter and resume, as this is considered a high risk occupation a DMV printout and drug test are required upon acceptance of this position.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsCompensation: no pay

Having spent time in high school with dragons, I can confirm the nobility of Red Dragons over their baser Green brethren, a deal struck with a Red Dragon will stand, forever, whether you want it or not.

A Green Dragon thinks nothing of breaking a deal, specially when a better offer arrives.

This, unfortunately, leads to the impression by some (say those who have been the target of a Green Dragon), that Green Dragons are easier to negotiate with.

I have always held, that a negotiation that can not be depended on, is a worthless waste of time and resources, although, if the goal is wasting time and/or resources then negotiation with a Green Dragon is an excellent way to do so.

Green dragons cannot be trusted. Their colour should tell you all you need to know about them. Why else would they be green, other than in an attempt to camouflage themselves as they stalk your sheep? They are devious, dastardly buggers.

Red dragons on the over hand are much more amenable and clearly do not care for camouflage. They are by no means nice, but you can at least trust them. A red and gold dragon could even be a friend, but they are unfortunately most rare.

@cmattair: thanks for the link, I especially enjoyed the one with the lost frisbee and can see many wasted evenings ahead searching CL for new posts in the coming year that shows how inexplicably odd and interesting some people can be. Even the obviously troll postings are still do damned weird and original that I can't help but be entertained.

I'm still waiting to see a Missed Connections post with about six weeks of stalker-level detail. "...and then you turned around and almost saw me, but I was able to hide behind the mailbox at 5th and Main. The one that you put four Christmas card envelopes into on December 12, 2007. I don't know why you never used this mailbox again, but now that I was so close to it, I could feel it too. There was something a little off with it, and I've never used that mailbox again either..."

I think this is more like the worst Craigslist trolls plus a funny want ad that ties into Skyrim.

That said, I would like to see what Aurich can do with the owl, on the cowboy hat, on the whale spout, in a snow globe, with a parrot and Santa and Mrs. Claus. I can almost picture it, but not quite. However, I'm quite sure that Aurich can make it memorable. And possibly auction it off as a print for charity or something. I'm sure there will be plenty of bidders.

(Side note: the oddly specific nature of this image request parallels those often received by our own creative director, Aurich Lawson, who has fielded article image suggestions that make this one look absolutely normal by comparison.)

I think the craziest image I've asked for so far was for my review of the Philips 'Hue' LED lights. I wanted to go with a picture of Hugh the Borg with different colored lightbulbs coming out of his head. Aurich put the kibosh on the idea as being too obscure.

Obscure?! Hugh turned out to be a major force for change within the Borg, splintering off a group of them from the Collective and causing a schism with huge lasting consequences! I mean, it wasn't like I was trying to get him to do a listing image about something really obscure, like an image featuring Livingston the Lionfish or a joke about how Riker sometimes holds his trombone incorrectly.

Forget the owl skeleton with a parrot on its shoulder, I want to read the picture requests you guys give to Aurich!

They usually go something like this:

Me: Hey, Aurich--I'm writing a feature on setting up a Linux web server and configuring nginx. It's going to be pretty serious and maybe a bit dry, but I want to make sure that the article's listing image is really eye-grabbing. Really punchy, you know?

Aurich: Huh. OK. What did you have in mind? It's about servers, you say?

Me: No, no, no. This needs a personal touch. I was thinking maybe, like, a picture of a server, but like, with a bear attacking it, like the bear is trying to break in, but the server is secure, and it's running Linux, so the server is like a penguin and it's fighting the bear, but with, like, the power of open source.

Aurich: So you want a penguin fighting a bear?

Me: No, that's ridiculous. I want a server, that looks LIKE a penguin, or maybe it's got a penguin inside of it, like it's a suit of armor, and then with a bear attacking it. The suit of armor is the server running Linux. And maybe the bear is all disappointed he can't break in--he's all like, "Whaaaaaa?"

Aurich: So you want...wait. Is the bear attacking, or is he sad?

Me: The bear is attacking the server, and he's like RAAAAAAAAH, but the server is too secure because the penguin followed the setup guide--that's what the article is about--and so the bear is like sad, too, because--maybe like his teeth are broken? Like he chomped on the server and it's made of linux and metal?

Aurich: Is it a penguin, or a server?

Me: DAMN IT, LAWSON, TRY TO KEEP UP.

Aurich: I'm just trying to--so, it's a bear, and it's attacking a...a server? But it's a penguin? Or a penguin wearing a suit of armor that looks like a server? And the bear is...

Me: I shall speak slowly, as if to a child. The bear. Is attacking. The server. Which has the power of open source. And it defeats the bear. Actually, maybe the open source thing needs to be more explicit--can there be, like, code and stuff? Like, code coming out of the server, like it's shooting The Matrix at the bear? Like, the Matrix code is the power of open source?

(Side note: the oddly specific nature of this image request parallels those often received by our own creative director, Aurich Lawson, who has fielded article image suggestions that make this one look absolutely normal by comparison.)

I think the craziest image I've asked for so far was for my review of the Philips 'Hue' LED lights. I wanted to go with a picture of Hugh the Borg with different colored lightbulbs coming out of his head. Aurich put the kibosh on the idea as being too obscure.

Obscure?! Hugh turned out to be a major force for change within the Borg, splintering off a group of them from the Collective and causing a schism with huge lasting consequences! I mean, it wasn't like I was trying to get him to do a listing image about something really obscure, like an image featuring Livingston the Lionfish or a joke about how Riker sometimes holds his trombone incorrectly.

Just a bit of a shameless plug here, but for the past five years, (almost) You Suck At Craigslist has been collecting and mocking the worst of Craigslist ads. 1400 posts is pretty good for a snark blog. (and the various Sparkies on Craigslist don't seem to ever run out of material for us.) Please feel free to come visit us, and send along any more like this you find. After all, why wait for the end of the year? We update every weekday!

If you're complaining about the design - well, we don't claim to be experts. If you can find the content, we're more or less satisfied. If you've got suggestions, please feel free to send them along. (If that suggestion is "sell out to cheezburger", don't bother - we already turned them down.)

If you're complaining about the content, I can't help you. Our fans like us, and the site keeps us amused. I'm sure you'll find other sites more to your taste, and thanks for checking us out.

Forget the owl skeleton with a parrot on its shoulder, I want to read the picture requests you guys give to Aurich!

They usually go something like this:

Me: Hey, Aurich--I'm writing a feature on setting up a Linux web server and configuring nginx. It's going to be pretty serious and maybe a bit dry, but I want to make sure that the article's listing image is really eye-grabbing. Really punchy, you know?

Aurich: Huh. OK. What did you have in mind? It's about servers, you say?

Me: No, no, no. This needs a personal touch. I was thinking maybe, like, a picture of a server, but like, with a bear attacking it, like the bear is trying to break in, but the server is secure, and it's running Linux, so the server is like a penguin and it's fighting the bear, but with, like, the power of open source.

Aurich: So you want a penguin fighting a bear?

Me: No, that's ridiculous. I want a server, that looks LIKE a penguin, or maybe it's got a penguin inside of it, like it's a suit of armor, and then with a bear attacking it. The suit of armor is the server running Linux. And maybe the bear is all disappointed he can't break in--he's all like, "Whaaaaaa?"

Aurich: So you want...wait. Is the bear attacking, or is he sad?

Me: The bear is attacking the server, and he's like RAAAAAAAAH, but the server is too secure because the penguin followed the setup guide--that's what the article is about--and so the bear is like sad, too, because--maybe like his teeth are broken? Like he chomped on the server and it's made of linux and metal?

Aurich: Is it a penguin, or a server?

Me: DAMN IT, LAWSON, TRY TO KEEP UP.

Aurich: I'm just trying to--so, it's a bear, and it's attacking a...a server? But it's a penguin? Or a penguin wearing a suit of armor that looks like a server? And the bear is...

Me: I shall speak slowly, as if to a child. The bear. Is attacking. The server. Which has the power of open source. And it defeats the bear. Actually, maybe the open source thing needs to be more explicit--can there be, like, code and stuff? Like, code coming out of the server, like it's shooting The Matrix at the bear? Like, the Matrix code is the power of open source?

Seems there's always someone wanting to "give away" a big-ass tree you have to cut down, a bunch of gravel you have to dig up and sift, a bunch of broken termite-infested fence panels you have to haul, or a bunch of horse dung you have to shovel up and haul away.

I just laugh at how these cheap-skates don't want to pay someone $300 in labor to do this dirty work, so they think by posting a "free" ad some idiot will come out and bust their ass for them.