SHOUTS & MURMURS LIPSTICK ON A PIG: A 2008 CAMPAIGN QUIZ BY PAUL SLANSKY 1. What question was John McCain asked that prompted eight seconds of si- lence before he said he'd get back to the reporter later? (a) Why he couldn't campaign and worry about the financial crisis at the same time. (b) Whether it was fair to allow Viagra to be covered by health insurance, but not birth-control pills, as he had voted. (c) Why he said, "Now is not the time to affix the blame" for the failure of the first bailout bill, right after blaming Obama for it. (d) Why he lied to David Letterman. 2. Which of Joe Biden's gaffes did Chris Wallace present as the equivalent of Sarah Palin's "Putin rears his head" in- terviewwith Katie Couric? (a) His suggestion that Hillary Clinton "might have been a better pick" as Barack Obamà s running mate. (b) His calling an Obama ad about McCain's computer illiteracy "terrible." (c) His reference to Obama as "Barack Am . " enca. (d) His remark 'When the stock mar- ket crashed, Franklin Roosevelt got on television . . . he said, 'Look, here's what h d '" appene . (e) His telling a wheelchair-bound " s d 1 , " man, tan up- et em see you. Match the number with what it represents. 3. Number of times that Obama told a Presidential-debate audience that McCain was "absolutely right." 4. Number of times that McCain was caught on camera during the first debate appearing to mutter "Horseshit" under his breath. 5. Number of states that Obama claimed to have visited. 6. Obamàs seven-frame bowling score. 7. Number of times that Palin said "Charlie" during her first interview with Charlie Gibson. 88 THE NEW YORKER, OCTOBER 13, 2008 8. Number of hours before the first debate began that ads crowing about McCain's victory in the debate appeared on the Wall StreetJournal's Web site. (a) Forty-seven. (b) Ten. (c) Six. (d) Fifty-seven. (e) Two. (f) At least eleven. 9. Complete John McCain's boast about Sarah Palin: "She knows more about than probably anyone else in the United States of America." (a) Russia (b) energy (c) the Bush doctrine (d) aerial hunting ( e) hiding a pregnancy (f) lipstick Who did what? 10. Rudy Giuliani. 11. General Wesley Clark. 12. Representative Lynn Westmore- land (R. -Ga.). 13. Joy Behar. 14. Condoleezza Rice. 15. John Edwards. (a) Called the Obamas "uppity." (b) Said, "Being ninety-nine per cent honest is no longer enough." (c ) Told McCain to his face that two of his ads "are untrue, they're lies." (d) Offered as Palin's qualification for the Vice-Presidency the fact that "she's governor of a state here in the United S " tates. (e) Was excoriated for daring to point out that being a P.O.W. is not a qual- ification for the Presidency. (f) Joined Republican Convention del- egates in a chant of "Drill, baby, drill!" 16. Who is Douglas Holtz-Eakin? (a) The Obama aide who suggested sticking a fake Presidential seal on the candidate's lectern. (b) The McCain adviser who claimed that his boss "helped create" the Black- Berry by virtue of having been on the Sen- ate committee that oversees the telecom- munications industry. (c) The Palin aide in Alaska who was fired after she discovered that he was dat- ing the ex-wife of one of her husband's friends. (d) The McCain adviser who said that a terrorist attack on U.S. soil "would be a big advantage to him." (e) The Obama campaign worker who moved two women in Muslim garb out of camera range during a photo Ope 17 . True or false: During a post-debate appearance on "Fox News Sunday," Sen- ator Lindsey Graham (R.-S.C.) inter- rupted his pro-McCain spin and said, "It's Sunday, I'm tired. Senator Obama did well. Senator Obama helped himself" Who did what? 18. Levi Johnston. 19. Chris Rock. 20. Ed Koch. 21. Cliff Schecter. 22. Sarah Palin. 23. Chris Matthews. (a) Summed up the idea of having experience in Washington as "somebody's big fat résumé." (b) Pointed out Bill Clinton's reluc- tance to speak Obamàs name. (c) Said that Giuliani's "maniacal laugh" during his Convention keynote speech was reminiscent of Richard Widmark's as he pushed an old woman in a wheelchair down the stairs in the :film "Kiss of Death." (d) Wrote a book relating an inci- dent in which "Cindy playfully twirled McCain's hair and said, 'You're getting a lime thin up there,' and McCain shot back, 'At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt.'" (e) Wondered if McCain had been "too much of a troll" during the debate. (f) Wrote on his MySpace page, "I d ' kid " on t want s. 24. Who is Jessica Herzberg? (a) The half sister of Cindy McCain who said that she's voting for Barack Obama. (b) The Fox News producer who was