Wednesday, June 03, 2009

I'm one kickass motherfucker. Very few things scare me. Sure, the thought of being near a snake will make me piss myself and throw a tantrum like a five year old boy who was just raped, but that is normal. I'm also terrified of falling asleep behind the wheel of my car. As someone who has accomplished this feat, TRUST ME, you do not want to experience that. Before we get into my third and final fear, let's set it up a bit, shall we?

Remember how everyone was pissed off that Matt Millen was on NBC's set for NFL playoff coverage? Considering that the man buried an organization and is probably responsible for the auto industry shutting down, how is a man that stupid being paid to give us his "expertise" on a topic that he clearly knows nothing about. It boggles the mind really. Now this week we find out that he will be on the on-field set for Monday Night Football, will do NFL Live, and also do some college football games. Apparently, ESPN totally forgot that Millen is an ignorant asshat. But when you think about it, that is pretty much all that they employ anyway so it makes sense. I'm looking at you, Cris Carter.

Anywho, since John Madden had the Madden Cruiser impounded and is staying home until Brett Favre reads him his last rites, the landscape of primetime announcers has been in flux. Cris Collinsworth will be working with Al Michaels on Sunday nights and we already talked about the Monday Night team earlier. But who will be working those 8 games that appear on the NFL Network? I'm particularly interested since I should actually be getting that channel this coming year. Bob Papa does play-by-play but we still do not know who his partner will be. But the rumors are flying around and they are not good...not good at all. From Peter King:

In the wake of NFL Network losing Gruden, the channel has considered a fewoptions of analysts to pair with Bob Papa. One is Brian Billick, thequick-on-his-feet former Ravens coach who had a successful debut on Fox lastseason. Another would be a three-man booth, with Papa, Marshall Faulk and JoeTheismann, who, presumably, would walk to each game if the network would givehim the gig. But I hear Millen is the leader in the NFL Network clubhouse.

Billick was surprisingly solid last year in my opinion. He didn't come off nearly as douchey as I thought he might. I assume that Faulk is a moron. I don't know this, but at the same time, I know this. If that makes sense and I think it does. Millen already appears to be working 100 hours per week for ESPN so I don't see that happening. And that leads me to my third and final fear...Joe Theismann calling football games.

I don't care if he was a Redskin, this guy truly blows with a microphone in hand. Some of you young fucks may not remember Joey calling MNF games but let me tell you, there is no one worse. He was the king of self-contradiction. He would say things like, "Tony Banks throws one of the most beautiful deep balls around" and then two possessions later say, "I do not like the way that Tony Banks delivers his throws". He did this ALL THE TIME. If you thought that Kornheiser sucked, you don't know Joe. And don't even get me started on the former triumverate of broadcasting shit known as Mike Patrick, Theismann, and Paul Maguire. I've shared this quote many times in the past and it can't hurt to say it again as it illustrates how unlistenable these mutants were. It was a Sunday nighter in 2003 between the Redskins and the Dolphins and Ricky Williams busted off a long touchdown run...

Thiesmann: How does a man that big run THAT fast?Maguire: SPEED.30 seconds of silence followed that dumbass response. Maguire and Theismann were the #1 cause of suicide in this country for 5 straight years.

Please, NFL Network, leave Theismann at home. You already have enough problems with people not watching your games.------------------------------------------------Boys, sorry if this doesn't meet up with your standards. My bedroom has fluctuated between 80 and 90 degrees this week and I haven't slept at all. I actually sweated through my sheets last night. I got up to take a piss last night and when I laid back down, it felt like I jumped in a pool. It was awful. I need to get some fucking sleep...I can't keep doing this. As Danny Glover once said, "I'm getting too old for this shit".

On a lighter note, I found out yesterday that the band director at Ohio University is named Dr. Richard Suk. Dick Suck. True story. Enjoy that one. I'm out.

6 comments:

As bad as Theisman is, Paul Macguire was the worst on the old Sunday Night games. He started every sentence with "I'm gonna tell you what..." We get it douche bag, you don't have to intro every statement with the exact same shit.

Paul Maguire has kind of turned into Jack Arute on college games now. He always goes to some strange place during the game (like the top of the 'Shoe, a feat which Arute perfected for about 10 straight years) and thinks it's the greatest and funniest thing ever.