Matthew McConaughey just won an Oscar. Am I alive? Is this real? Yes it’s real, and if his performance in Dallas Buyer’s Club didn’t convince me he deserved it, his acceptance speech sure did. I laughed! I cried! I had sinful thoughts! I got confused for a second when I thought he was married to Penelope Cruz! Oh, stop it. You did, too. His wife and Penelope were even wearing the same dress. The world is changing, kids. Matthew has officially transformed his career from eye-candy to respected actor. Let’s hope Lupita Nyong’o takes a lesson—if she ever stops making mindless fluff like 12 Years a Slave, Hollywood might take her seriously, too. Calm down, I’m joking. I know she also won last night and her movie won and I’m glad. I like it when Hollywood rewards musicals.

Lupita is insanely talented and stunning and I want her and Jennifer Lawrence to make a movie together and be an adorable It-Girl dream team. Bradley Cooper can play their dad. Can somebody please make that happen? How about you, Ellen? You can do anything. You took what is traditionally the dullest three and a half hours on TV and made it seem like only three hours and twenty minutes. I particularly liked it when you spoke to June Squibb like she was a silly old deaf coot, which I took as poking (gentle, as is your way) fun at the idiotic and condescending red-carpet interviews Ms. Squibb had to endure during the pre-show. Those smiling nimrods (who is that one guy who looks like if Martin Scorsese and Anderson Cooper had a baby?) treated her like an adorably ancient novelty act. Isn’t it great? She’s still alive! God bless her. Ellen Degeneres' selfie seen round the world https://twitter.com/TheEllenShow

OK, I’ve waited two paragraphs; it’s time to discuss John Travolta.

When he introduced the “wickedly talented, one and only Adel Dazine” I thought “Wait, what? That pirate from Captain Phillips sings the Frozen song?” And then I was afraid maybe he was having a stroke, brought on by a too-tight wig or maybe too much Botox, and that in turn caused poor Idina Menzel to boot her song. Yes, she did. Look, she was great for a normal singer but not for her, and can you blame her? Stage actresses don’t get invited to the fancy kids’ table nearly as often as they should, and on her big night the guy introducing her butchers her name. Oh John. You should send her some flowers. Then you can go back to trying to turn yourself into Liberace.

I believe that’s a perfect segue into the fashions, so let’s take it. Oh, the fashions. If you watched the pre-show, you know that Jimmy Kimmel tried to shame middle- America into not commenting on what the stars were wearing. Fair enough. I can’t tell you how many times Hollywood stars have handed over their hard-earned money to watch me do my (dream) job and made me rich in the process, stayed up way too late on a work night to watch me accept awards for being awesome at it, and then out of the blue one of those ungrateful bastards says my sweatshirt doesn’t fit very well and you know what? It hurts.

Ahem.

Well I guess you’re in luck, oh very sensitive Hollywood, because for the most part everyone looked pretty darn good. Whew, right? And in the name of fair play, any time I say something that could be perceived as ‘mean’, I will say something equally not nice or unflattering about myself, therefore making it all even-stevens.

Most gorgeous has to go to Jennifer Lawrence. The hair, the necklace, the dress, loved it all. Her hopefully soon bestie Lupita Nyong’o would look great in an old bread bag, but the dress she wore last night was my least favorite* of her awards season tour of eye-popping awesomeness. In her defense, I suppose if she’d pulled out yet another expertly tailored, brightly colored showstopper people would call her predictable, but if the prediction is that you’re perfect, why mess with it?

*I am wearing my least favorite pair of stretchy pants. They give me a crotch situation that is often compared to the foot of a large, hairy animal that stores water in its hump.

I loved Amy Adams, too. A redhead in a navy dress is like a yellow boat on aqua water; it just sings. Sandra Bullock looked beautiful in her navy gown as well, and I wondered if it bothered her that the clip they kept showing from Gravity was one where she is basically mooning the camera in her underwear. Naomi Watts’ white sheath and sparkly necklace were so pretty they almost made me forget how terrible Adore* was, but typing that reminded me.

*If I am ever in a movie, I am sure it will be terrible. Probably not as bad as Adore, though.

The beautiful Jared Leto looked appropriately counter-culture in his goofy red bow tie and slightly dirty looking shirt and very dirty looking hair*. Only someone with that kind of bone structure can pull off that kind of slovenliness. His speech was sweet, though I did wonder how many people in Ukraine were actually watching. Maybe a lot, what do I know? And those people know that Jared Leto is there for them, and that’s nice. He’ll probably win that Angelina Jolie award next year.

*My hair is dirty right now, and I don’t even have good bone structure. Just dirty hair and puffy eyes from too much soy sauce.

There were a lot of navy tuxes, which I liked--Leonardo DiCaprio wore one and looked fantastic. Unfortunately, he had a bat in the cave* during his pre-show red-carpet interview. If you DVR’d it, go back and look. You can see it.

* Once while I was at church I felt something caught in the sleeve of my jean jacket, and I pulled out a bra. There weren’t millions of people watching, but several severe looking old Catholics, and it was terrifying.

I loved how sweet and endearing Angelina Jolie was with Sidney Poitier, but her dress was unflattering and looked like a figure skating costume*.

*Most of my figure skating dresses are unflattering.

And what was going on with Viola Davis? Is she pregnant? Because if she isn’t, somebody should’ve pulled her aside and told her to suck in that pooch. She had on a beautiful green ball gown and she was tromping around like me on a Sunday morning, all abdominal muscles given the day off*. Was there no Spanks dispenser in the bathroom?

* I give my abdominal muscles every day off

Goldie Hawn has always been one of my absolute favorite actresses, but she now looks like she perfumes herself with Jack Daniels*. Such an easy fix, too. It’s called a haircut. Pleeeeeease Goldie. Please please please please please cut it off.

* I actually did that for a while, but I stopped because it attracted flies. Flies, Goldie.

What’s not an easy fix is Kim Novak. There’s nothing that can be done about the fact that she’s gone full D.C. Follies*. Google it. Why was she there, though? Did I miss something? Whose idea was that?

“What we need here is a moment of incredibly awkward television.”

“Let’s have Matthew McConaughey lead a confused star from yesteryear out on stage and try to keep her from falling over!”

If they explained it, I was probably in the kitchen getting more Oreos.

Also, what was with those strange breaks in the action where they showed clips from random movies for no reason? “Here are some samples of movies you might recognize. Enjoy them for the next three minutes.”

Thanks for the time fillers. I was hoping to be ass tired all day tomorrow. Maybe I’ll get fired and then my life will be even worse.

No surprises, I was glad Cate Blanchett won; her performance knocked my socks off. I do think Christian Bale deserved it over MyKindaHoney, but only because if you have two equally dramatic weight transformations, the guy who also completely disguises his voice should win. But as I said before, Mattie’s speech was so endearing that I’m glad he did.

* I’ve gone full “All elastic, all the time”. I’m also often found in places I’m not supposed to be. Here, for example.