Here's who we'd invite if we could entertain roast this month's year's most interesting shameless visitors, bumbling locals, and all-around knuckleheads.

The Mariners’ can’t-miss prospect reported to spring training a little (okay, very) heavy and made matters worse by admitting that he’d spent the offseason eating. The icing on the cake? When a team scout razzed Montero during a minor league game by sending an ice cream sandwich to the dugout, Montero threw the dessert at the scout and tried to attack him with a bat. Montero was suspended for the rest of the season, and any hope that he might finally pan out melted.

Macklemore

Oh, Ben. We forgave you for sending an awkward apology text to Kendrick Lamar after you won the Best New Artist Grammy that you thought he deserved. And, okay, we looked the other way when you took a screenshot of that text and posted it on Instagram to let everyone know that you’d given Lamar his props. But when you showed up at EMP in that vaguely anti-Semitic disguise? That was not effing awesome.

Randy Jokela

In the first half of 2014, the Seattle Police Department handed out 83 tickets for public consumption of marijuana. Officer Jokela, a 24-year veteran of the force, wrote 66 of them. (In one case, Jokela flipped a coin to see which of two men smoking together in Occidental Park would get pinched.) City attorney Pete Holmes eventually dismissed every case, and Jokela went back to hunting jaywalkers, people who stick used gum under bus seats, and library patrons with overdue books.

Jorge Carrasco

In June, Seattle City Light’s CEO lobbied for and received a $119,000 raise (a 48.5 percent bump, in case you’re wondering). But when reports surfaced that the utility had paid an ad agency $17,500 to plant positive stories about Carrasco online, mayor Ed Murray nixed the increase—and City Light was left begging the ad agency for a refund. Talk about a dim bulb.

Hope Solo

The starting goalkeeper for the U.S. Women’s National Team was arrested on suspicion of fourth-degree domestic assault in June after crashing a party where she allegedly picked a drunken fight with her sister and nephew. (This is the same Hope Solo who married former UW football player Jerramy Stevens one day after he allegedly assaulted her.) Christmas dinner will be fun this year!

Phoenix Jones

Like your weird uncle who made an “ironic” video of himself doing the “Single Ladies” dance six months after the Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake parody, the self-made superhero who refuses to go away joined the ALS ice bucket challenge late and tried to compensate by adding a Taser to the mix. In answer to your question, no it did not shock any sense into him.

Jeff Bezos

Bezos’s quest for world domination suffered a slight setback when Amazon’s Fire phone—which allows users to scan a product’s barcode in a brick-and-mortar store and instantly order it through Amazon—debuted in July to a resounding meh and quickly dropped in price from $200 to just 99 cents. (Out of 3,500 reviews on amazon.com, nearly 2,000 gave it just one star.) But…it won’t bend in your pocket?

Tom Morello

In September, the Rage Against the Machine guitarist threw a Twitter tantrum after being denied entry at the 5 Point (or access to a private room, which the bar doesn’t have) on an especially busy night. Owner Dave Meinert defended his staff on Facebook and Morello backed down, but not without a passive-aggressive demand that Meinert support the $15 minimum wage push. Asked for comment, the Machine said, “This is who’s been raging at me for 20 years?”

Illustrations by Charlie Powell.

This feature appeared in the December 2014 issue of Seattle Met magazine.