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I’m walking through the silence, I’m breathing like a waterfall

Sunday Musings…

I’m a bit late, but time likes to get away from me. What can I say about this week regarding life and Second Life…life likes to make twists and turns – it likes to toss you obstacles just so you can learn how to jump, or fall. Lately, I’ve been good at jumping, but at times I feel like I have made impressive leaps and bounds only to find out that something, somehow, some way, in what ever fashion has pushed me back two steps or more.

It’s strange to see and hear people speak about random things. As I expressed yesterday in plurk about how people with depression don’t speak openly about it, I still hold this stance. I never spoke about “my” depression until I finally hit rock bottom. I can tell you this: I never knew I was depressed. I knew I was sad and that the constant “crap” that kept getting tossed at me was just piling up to a point that I couldn’t take it anymore. I never talked about it, because people were too busy with their issues and if I attempted to even speak up, no one wanted to listen. I didn’t know I was depressed because I felt like if I expressed myself in sadness that people would think I was over-dramatic and attention seeking. I never knew it was possible until it hit. I literally felt like I was drowning, I lost sight of who I was and what I was doing. I became a shell of WHO I AM.

I had a nervous. fucking. breakdown.

I won’t go into details, but after everything and even more coming – life – was too much. I eventually pulled myself back up (with the help of some really amazing people who listened) and started to heal. Yet a person dealing with depression never fully recovers. They’re like an egg – cracked and put together with superglue. They’re never fully the person they were before. Yes, the “superglue” may make them stronger than before, the binding allowing for them to take control, but still underneath there is that gnawing feeling.

After the death of Robin Williams this week and people expressing their deepest sympathies and speaking up about their depression – for those that can never tell that someone is depressed, to be honest – they just won’t tell anyone. It isn’t against you, their family, friends, loved ones. It’s a personal battle that only they can conquer. Some of us win. Some of us lose.