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Ok so my husband really likes fried squash. He also eats pork and beans mixed with it, which is strange to me but hey whatever floats his boat I guess! Well a while back I was given some squash from a good friend so I looked up this recipe to try and after postponing this dinner a few times I finally made it last night. It is a Paula Dean recipe and I will tell you that my guy really enjoyed it. He at first made this weird face and I thought to myself “oh crap he doesn’t like it” but then he said he loved it! Go me and go Paula Dean! Here is the recipe for your cooking pleasure!

A few years ago life had gotten busy so I hadn’t seen many movies and my boyfriend and now husband introduced me to the movie Despicable Me. He has a definite love for animated movies for an adult male. We watched it together and thus began my love of minions.

I now have various minion objects including blankets, keychains, a picture, stuff animals and more. I have been given various gifts over the years that are minions. Anyone who knows me knows that of all characters minions are defily one of my favorites. Dave minion is my absolute favorite since that is my husband’s name as well.

This weekend marks the opening of the third movie installment of Despicable Me. The movie Despicable Me 3 starts in theaters this weekend. I am super excited to see this movie with my husband just like we saw the first two together.

You can imagine my excitement when one of the companies I am associated with announced they would be partnering and coming out with minion products. Origami Owl recently launched a line of jewelry for the new minion movie. These items are so cute and will make a great addition to my locket collection. If you have someone in your life who is also minion obsessed give the site a look. Our mini lockets are a great item for smaller kids. I got my niece a mini locket a few years ago and she has already upgraded to the next size. There is even a minion locket and of course cute little charms to go inside any locket. You can check out the minion collection here at https://locketswithchelle.origamiowl.com/shop/collections/minions

I hope you enjoy the new Despicable Me 3 movie when you get a chance to see it. We are hoping to see it this weekend ourselves! Yes adults like minions too! Whaaaat?

As I was sitting and watching some back episodes of the show “Switched At Birth” I came to the episode where the character Bay was raped by an ex-boyfriend. She got drunk at a party and did not remember and was too drunk to have consented to any type of sexual activity. I began to think about how many times other girls and women were in similar positions or really any position where it was someone they knew who raped them and violated them. I began to think of the time all those years ago when it happened to me, the time someone I knew raped me.

I was about 19 or 20 as I know it had at least graduated from high school but had not yet moved out on my own. I grew up in a small town and there was a volleyball court at the park in town. I had been hanging out up there with some of the people I knew although I do not remember exactly who. Some of the boys I knew were going camping on some land. I was always wanting everyone to like me and just wanted to always fit in. I had a little bit of a crush on one of them at that time so I followed them in my car to the spot where they were camping. It was a good distance out there through the grass and dirt in my small red car. I still do not remember all of the details about what was going on. I know there was drinking. I don’t even remember if there was any music playing or anything like that. I remember that I had drank some and did not really know my way to get out of there in the dark as it got later.

I made the decision to lie down in my car and sleep until I felt sober and there was enough light to see my way safely out. I know that my parents would be worried but I still felt it was the best decision at the time. This was in the 90s so there were no cell phones to text or call your parents and let them know you had gotten yourself into a situation of not driving because it would not be safe. My four door car was awfully small and it would not be comfortable but that was the only choice I had to be safe, or at least I thought it was.

I probably laid there for a while. I had the windows down because it was summer and it was hot. I am not really sure just exactly how long I had been in there but I heard someone coming closer in the grass near me. It had to be one of the guys probably getting up to pee in the grass or near a tree or something as we were the only ones out in what was basically a pasture. I was right about it being one of them but not so right about what they were doing. One of them approached my car and was trying to get in and on top of me. I managed to crawl through the front or get out and through the console to the front one of the two. I remember this going on for a while with me back and forth in the car and I remember saying “no” many times. This boy who I knew and had went to the very same school as I had forced himself on me even though I said “no” repeatedly. I had never even had or shown any type of interest in this person at all. He was a nice looking guy but his personality was nowhere near my style so I would have never willingly consented to this.

I am sure some would wonder why I did not scream loud enough for the others to hear me and I honestly would probably ask that very same question myself. I think I just went numb or just thought I wasn’t worth any better. I have seen girls in various movies sort of do this and I always could relate.

When it got light out and time to leave I walked around a bit and just acted like nothing had happened. I acted like nobody had just crawled into the back of my car and raped me. I trusted these people. I knew them and never would have thought I would have been much safer to drive my car through that field that night having alcohol in my system than sleeping in my car.

There are only a couple of people who know about this. I never told anyone back then at all. I think part of me felt like it was my fault for putting myself in that situation and the other part thought that nobody would believe me and it would just cause a huge scandalous mess that someone who was popular around would do such a thing. I told my ex years after and many years ago because they had started hanging out together. My ex and my rapist were friends and it was not a comfortable situation. I did confide in him and it was confirmed to me that this person knew all these years that what they had done to me was wrong and had told my ex he had done it and how bad he felt. They did know that my saying “no” meant “no”. I am not sure if I felt better or worse at that point. I think a small part of me at least felt more sane knowing that I was right about the fact that what they did was wrong and it was not my fault just because I was in a bad spot. Nobody else really knows this story until now of course. I have mentioned it in passing to my husband but that is it. He is not the kind to ask too many questions unless I volunteer to tell him.

I went home that morning to a very angry stepdad and worried mom. I knew I had made them worry but again I thought I would be safer. I never told either of them what had happened to me that night. I am pretty sure I wanted to cry and tell him how I wished I had just come home because then nobody would have forced themselves on me. I have carried it around with me all these years. Just because it was someone I knew and I had made my own share of mistakes back then it was still wrong and I was still violated.

Acquaintance rape is a sex crime committed by someone who knows the victim. It could be a friend, classmate, relative, co-worker, etc. More than 70% of rape victims knew their attackers and 90% of rape victims who knew their attacker did not report the attack to the police. If you cannot consciously consent or you definitely says “no” and someone has sex with you anyway that is considered rape. It does not matter that you know each other. It does not matter if you have had sexual intercourse before with them or someone else. It does not matter what anyone thinks of you. If someone forces themselves on you it is rape and you have been violated. Even if you choose to not report it to the authorities you should talk to someone about it. Trust me when I say holding something like that in for years can eat away at you. If you cannot talk to a friend or relative talk to a counselor or find a rape hotline or group to speak to. The number for the National Sexual Assault Hotline is 1-800-656-4673 and it is free, private and available 24 hours a day. Most of all do not feel alone or ashamed. You did nothing wrong.

If you are looking for a cheap dinner tonight look no further! My hubby and I have their sandwiches a few times a month. He brings it home on the Wednesdays he works until noon a few times a month. Their sandwiches are pretty good and they have a drive thru. We also LOVE their pickles!

Last Wednesday was my 43rd birthday. It was nothing special really. It is just another day when you get older. I do want to have a day focused on me in that I want to go out to eat with my family and I want to just do something for myself or that I enjoy doing. In those aspects it is important to me personally. Call my selfish or whatever you wish but I can assure you I spend a lot of my time and energy doing for others. I spent my night having fun but without my favorite person in this world. It sucks but in this life you have to learn to see things that you cannot be completely controlled by you as “it is what it is”.

I started off working because it was a work day and I am an independent contractor meaning I essentially work for myself so there is no pay when there is no work. I really don’t mind as long as I get that family time and me time in there somewhere. I got stepson off the school in one piece while Bandit, our corgi rode shotgun on the way back. Somewhere in the mid morning my day took a bad turn for the worse as it often does these days when things happen that again are just not completely in my control. It was bad timing that is for certain. Things happen and despite my anxiety, my depression and my hurting heart I get through it all and continue to work because that is what I do. I work to help provide for my family and I do it through the tears and sorrow sometimes but I do it.

I was really soured by the afternoon quitting time of the whole idea of celebrating anything. I went back and forth in my head. My anxiety had me “freaking out” at the things that happened and how people can be certain ways sometimes and why does it have to hurt so much. The stress with all this on top of it just got to be too much. Somewhere in the midst of it all my strength came bounding through like it often does. My strength told me that just like I was learning and working on in my counseling I could not control everything or everyone. My life and my evening had to go on. I still got to see the rest of my family and enjoy a good meal and time away from the house for a bit. Heck I actually fixed myself up a bit. I straightened my hair and did my makeup better than normal. I even put on eye makeup which I normally don’t even mess with these days. I left not 100% happy and I was still sarcastically ranting about various things.

I managed to get over it and enjoy my meal, my family and my favorite alcoholic drink which is Kenny’s Cooler served at Texas Roadhouse. You see as the biggest Kenny Chesney fan ever I had to try his drink when I saw it came out and each and every time we go there I have one. This is big for me because I don’t drink much these days and I especially don’t drink when I go out because I am a cheap B—EEP! On a side note if you enjoy rum, especially coconut rum then give his rum Blue Chair Bay a try. There are more flavors than coconut but that is a great one to start with and NO I do not get any kickbacks from saying that. I just highly recommend it and it is my rum of choice! The food was great and the conversation too. I may have indulged in way too many complimentary rolls and REGULAR butter but who cares! I would not allow them to get me on top of that saddled “horse” contraption they do there for birthdays but I did wave my napkin around like that cute young waiter said to and allowed them to sing to me. There was no way I was crawling my big ole hiney up on that thing. I would need a ton more drinks to do that and maybe not even then.

I wanted to go one place before we made our way home where I would likely work some more because I wanted the extra money and I wanted to help out. I wanted to go to Dirt Cheap. This store is fairly new and my brother and sister-in-law are actually the ones that told us about it. Some people are not at all impressed and some days I’m not either. It is a place where they have closeouts, salvaged goods, damaged box goods and various other things at any given time. The products vary so you never know what you may find or what discount you may find it at. Sometimes you may walk through and wonder why you wasted your time and others you get a little excited at what you find. It ranges usually from 40 to 90% off. Yes that is right 90% off. We only had about 30 minutes so I really had to make use of my time after I dashed to the potty room. I made a half around on my way there carefully scanning with my thrifty shopper eyes! I came back around to look around at socks and panties for myself. I was actually looking for things for me personally. Not something for someone else and not something I could craft with but for me that I actually needed. At $1 each it was a good deal. Then I found a stack of baby clothes in a bin and I was going through them looking for my nephew and also for maybe one more item for my little niece Maycie to put in her baby easter basket when a guy came and apologized for dumping a fresh new box of baby clothes. I was like “oh no don’t apologize you’re fine”. I was trying to play it cool and not be the crazy shopper lady. I hit a jackpot! At one point stepson came around and I put him to helping me dig. I got some Texas Rangers onesies and one Dallas Cowboys onesie and also a pair of 2T Texas Rangers shorts! Yes we are Texans and we are fans. My brother goes to Cowboys and Rangers games every year so that is right up his alley. Also I am hosting a baby shower along with both of the new grandmothers and I happen to be making two smaller diaper cakes in those two themes since “sports” is the shower theme. I felt like the queen of the world with my big bag of items I got for oh so cheap! They were closing so my husband MADE me go check out which was certainly rude of him…haha love him but…. I will not tell you how much but I got this stuff all for less than $1 each. Chaching! I have hit the baby onesie jackpot one other time there. That time I actually got some solid white ones I can add designs to and sell in my crafting business. I am always proud of finding good deals. I could tell you about some of the other deals but I think I will save that and more information about this store in another separate blog post down the road especially since I noticed they are opening one next weekend in Allen which is maybe 40 minutes from me.

My birthday was far from perfect but I managed to get it turned around a little. I love enjoying a meal with family because it just does not happen all that often anymore and I love finding some good deals. I especially love digging through baby clothes that are good bargains. I cannot really explain it but having my first blood nephew or niece coming is a special thing to me and it helps me stay a little grounded. It gives me something lighter and brighter and all around happier to focus on. I mean who isn’t happy about little sweet babies? Well I am a kid lover and a baby lover and since I only ended up with one of my own I get to spoil these nieces and nephews until some day, a LONG time in the future one of our boys makes me a grandmother or a glamma! I intend to continue being a great auntie until then. As I sign out for this blog draft I just want to say that sometimes our strength really surprises us. Sometimes people don’t understand us and how we do the things we do but we just keep doing them anyway as long as it gets us by in this life. Now if I can talk the hubby into running back over there in the morning while I work and dig through that bin of baby items…hmmmm!

Today as I sit typing this on the eve of my 43rd birthday I am still so sad and heartbroken. I have cried on and off all day. Today has been one of the worst I have had in a long time. There have been quite a few bad ones but today took the cake. Today I actually thought and said to myself “I don’t want to live anymore”. For me today this meant, “I want this pain and turmoil to stop. I want my relationship with my son and my job and everything else to just be good and make me happy.” I am going through some issues as a mom that are truly breaking my heart. I feel like I am giving all that I have but it is not the right thing or not enough. I am feeling like a failure. I know I probably did not say the right things because I honestly don’t know what the right things are anymore.

This whole situation that has been ongoing for a while now has consumed me. I worry about it day and night. Not a minute of the day goes by that I do not think about it all in some shape of form. Being a mom has always been something that I have took seriously. I may not alway do the right things but I definitely give it my all. Anything I do or try to do right now is to help guide him now and into his future. We all must have the skills, knowledge and ability to cope as an adult out on our own before we just take that leap. I am certainly trying my best to do all of that.

I am also dealing with losing my current job and not knowing what I will do next and if it will even be in my same career field. I have worked very hard for a lot of years to get where I am and it sucks seeing it all just kind of swirl down the toilet slowly. If I keep the same job with a new company my pay will see a huge decrease and things will just all around be so different. My industry has just changed so much and I will leave it at that.

I do online counseling every week on Fridays. I do this via video chat. I really like my counselor. He is definitely a good fit for me and that can make all the difference in the world honestly. We are working on 4 things. Those are mindfulness self talk, self care and what I can and cannot control. Where my son is concerned the last is the hardest. He is 17 so I have to accept that no matter how hard I try he may not do what I want or what he should. Watching him make those mistakes and not being able to pick him up, hug him and make it all better is killing me inside. I would never go into all of the details out of respect to him but I will say it has been super hard and some of the things we are going through and have gone through are things I would have never dreamed of. I have had to jointly make decisions that have honestly made my heart hurt so bad I felt dead inside. If I can’t help him then what is wrong with me? I am his mom. I am suppose to be able to fix things and make it all right but I can’t. He has reached that point that there are only certain things in my full control. I cannot pick him up and carry him here or there where he needs to be. I cannot hold his hand while he is out and about. I have to trust he will make good decisions and try to teach him better when he doesn’t.

I really don’t care what age he is or how big he is in my eyes he will always be my little boy, my sugarbear as I would call him when he was little. My counselor asks me questions when I say things to myself like “you are an awful mom” or “you are so stupid and can’t do anything right”. He asks me in all reality are those statements true. I always say no to things like that because they are not true but those are the things I tell myself either outloud or in my mind. I guess that is why when people judge or criticize me it hurts but none of it is as bad as what I say about myself. My anxiety and depression take pretty good care of those things for everyone around me. I take it all day by day and cry when I have to and try to use whatever methods I can that I know to get me through it all. My son sees me as dramatic or selfish when I cry but I am a cryer and an emotional person. I cannot control it any more than I can control having to use the bathroom or when I have an anxiety attack. It is what it is and we try better tomorrow.

**Disclaimer: I am not suicidal at this moment. I have no plans to do anything of that nature this is just a real glimpse of what can go through the minds of those of us with mental illnesses such as depression. All it takes is one really down moment and loss of control and they or you are gone so please always take it seriously. It is at the very least a call out for help. If you or someone you know is suicidal please get yourself or them help at the hotline below.

I find myself these days getting overly upset about the relationship with my teenage son or lack thereof should I say. I mean I knew it would change as he got older so that is not the issue. I did not even once think it would mean that he would not really want to have any kind of relationship with me at all and spend zero amount of time with me. Why do teens think family no longer matters?

I raised my son from before the age of 3 until age 12 as a single full time mom. Dad was in the picture with his regular visitations but when we separated and later divorced I was his full time parent. I took him to his sports games and practices. I was there at the school for every award ceremony and play. We went to eat together and watched television and movies together. We did a lot together. Even once he got a bit older in those preteen years where he was so busy with friends we still had the night time. When it was time to come in at night and wind down for the night that was our time. We had a whole mess of television shows we liked to watch together. We would sit next to each other on the couch watching them and talking about them. He would sometimes hug me or lay in my lap when he was tired. It was just the little things and small chunks of time but I enjoyed it and he always seemed to enjoy them as well. Even up until last year at the age of 16 we still had one show we watched together on a regular basis. Sometimes we would watch others but we always watched that one and in fact he would get rather upset if I watched it without him. One day he went into a rant of how watching television was stupid and he was too old to be watching television with his mom. He was “16” he would say and now he is “17” he says as though I don’t know his age even though I gave birth to him.

I have always known that things would change as he got older. That alone is no shock to me. It is the basic nonexistence of a relationship that I cannot seem to grasp. He still hugs me and tells me he loves me when we are not fussing back and forth but any dedicated time for just he and I does not exist. Even talking to him is a task in itself. He doesn’t want me to speak to him with friends around and they are almost always around. He does not like me texting too much and he certainly has made it all too clear he does not want to watch television with me. I have even asked him to go to dinner or a movie as our family empowerment counselor has suggested but I get an “I don’t know” or “I am busy”. Besides all of this what is so wrong with just sitting together and watching television together for 30 minutes. I think the whole point of this is that family should still be important and we should make time for each other no matter what age we are. I hope when he is 30 he will not have dinner with me because he is too old. I cannot make sense of it all and as a mom who has always had her son at the center of her world to have a basically nonexistent relationship with him is devastating. I feel like he is ashamed of me or just cannot be bothered with me. I gave birth to him and brought him into this world and have always tried to do everything I can for him but he cannot find it in his schedule to give me 30 minutes or more a week. It is unfortunately very hurtful to me. Why must age mean we don’t do anything with our parents or family anymore? Isn’t family always family?

I struggle daily to deal with this and hope for a balance here somewhere between his teenage growing pains and making family time important. I continue to try even though some days it all seems pointless. As long as I know I try to have a better relationship or a relationship at all with my son I can look back and know that I tried. Family is important and I think this day and age it seems our kids try to grow up way too fast in this ever changing fast paced world.

I always see these articles about anxiety and depression that list some of the things that people who have one or both of them wish others knew. All of the common signs and symptoms are listed there but I have found that one thing that is rarely talked about is the fact that medication and/or therapy do not end all of your symptoms and cure your mental illness. Medications and/or counseling and therapy are there to help you manage the symptoms of the illness.

Any of us that have these conditions have probably had someone more than once ask us if we forgot to take our medications. Maybe they ask seriously or maybe they even make a bit of a joke out of it. People are uneducated or maybe they don’t care to think about it. They say things like that and maybe they really do think it. We wish they wouldn’t because when we are in that moment of an anxiety attack or dealing with a depressive episode we don’t want to hear anything that even resembles criticism or judgment.

A few weeks ago I was in a war with my teenager because he really does not like to be told no. He follows me around and argues with me. Sometimes he leaves the room but always comes back. Sometimes he even changes the argument to a new topic to keep it all going. He has his own issues. I was trying to continue on with what I was doing. I kept folding the laundry and walking around the house picking things up just as I had planned. After this had gone on for a very long time I finally began to lose myself a little. I wanted to just sit down and work and let him go cool off and he continued coming in my office. I had my moment of “losing my shit” after so long. He began telling me how I was so much nicer and better when I took my medications. I then pointed to my two medications I take for my mental illnesses and the other I take for something else and explained to him that I take them daily and that is how I stay as regulated as I do. He then begins to mention the other pill I take sometimes when I have an anxiety attack or am about to have one. I explain to him that my reactions have nothing to do with taking a medication. They help manage it but that is it.

One night I was trying to hurry (because my anxiety was telling me I had to do all these things) and take out the trash so we could go out and get our Pokemon stops because we do that as a family. I realized my sock style house shoes had gotten wet when I went out on the porch to dump the trash. I began taking them off while I was still near the door not realizing my hand was very close to the door and my pinkie ended up stuck in the door as it shut on its own. I began to scream because it hurt so bad and also because I had looked back and saw it happening and it did not look good. I managed to get it out of the door and was still screaming loudly with my husband having no clue what I had done and I could not get the words out to tell him. I tried getting in the bathroom to get a band-aid because I was also dripping blood and my stepson was in there so I quickly ran back in the living room. My husband got me some ice wrapped in a paper towel but my finger was just throbbing. I could not speak and I could not catch my breath. In the middle of all of this going on I had went into an anxiety or panic attack. I screamed repeatedly and breathed hard and fast. It is a scary feeling to not be able to control yourself or your breathing. My husband could not find my anxiety pill I take for these kinds of moments so I continued while trying desperately to control my own breathing without it. In these moments I almost feel like I am dying because the feeling can be that scary and it is not at all fun to lose control of yourself and your reactions. I finally took the pill and eventually calmed myself down and had a band-aid on it.

A few weeks ago while in a heated moment with my son over the phone where he had not been listening to anything anyone had said to him. I was trying to talk him out of making a huge mistake. I finally began to scream repeatedly. This is not something I normally do when I have an anxiety attack but this night I did. It just felt like I had to get it all out and I really did not have control over it. It was embarrassing to think about after it happened. I later used Google to look and see if that was a normal response to anxiety and it was in fact a definite normal response some people have. I think I have probably done it on a way smaller level but never like that. I also ended up vomiting which is also something I have never done with one of my anxiety attacks, but apparently is also common.

I could tell a million more stories like these and some would be way less than these. Sometimes it may just be me sitting in my car not wanting to go inside a store because I know there will be so many people which can also trigger my anxiety. Sometimes it can be me just having trouble breathing a little heavier than normal. Some people either in my life now or in the past have called me dramatic. I have even been told to stop doing it as if I had purposely chosen to be short of breath and lose control of myself. There is no on or off switch for anxiety or depression. My depression has many symptoms. I get a lack of motivation a lot. I get decreased energy often. It does not always mean that I am crying but sometimes I do for seemingly no reason at all or maybe it is because I just finally had the time to think about things and let it all out. My mind sometimes will not stop thinking it seems and things run over and over in my head like a broken record. Some mornings are a definite struggle getting out of bed because of it. There are so many symptoms I cannot name them all.

I take my medications every day. One of them I have had increased several times and I am now on the top dosage after going through various hard times over the last few years. Major life events definitely trigger my mental illnesses. I recently had the second omedication added because I have a lot of stressful situations going on in my life and also some medications can lose their efficacy after so many years. My third one I really only take when I have to. I don’t take it when I just have the little bit of trouble breathing because not every time but sometimes it can make me sleepy and sleeping is not always an option. I definitely try not to use it as a “crutch”. Here is where we get to the part where people don’t understand when they say things about me or others and ask if we have not taken our medication is that it is not or they are not miracle drugs. Taking medication and even therapy does not mean you are cured and will never have symptoms. Medications are there to help keep you regulated to a more normal level. Therapy is there to help you cope better and work through things. Even those who do not have anxiety and depression are still going to have times they get anxious or depressed. Medications help us to be more like those people on that normal mood level. I always think of the cartoon picture that floats around sometimes with Foghorn Leghorn that says something about how you have exceeded the limitations of my medication. Well that could not be more true. Sometimes people and situations exceed our medication. They produce an anxiety attack or a depressive episode. We are not being dramatic. We are having a genuine issue that exceeded what our medication helps us with. Everyone has their limit. I just ask you to be mindful of this if you have someone in your life that suffers from these issues or any mental health issue. Mental health issues are just as hard to deal with as any other physical medical issue and many times harder due to the fact these illnesses are unseen. Unfortunately, so much stigma surrounds mental illness. To those of us with a mental illness what we experience even on medications and with therapy is very real and we just need your support.

Have you ever seen a video such as a tutorial or even one of your own videos that you wanted to download so you can view it later? I did this Youtube video tutorial about downloading and saving Facebook videos a while back that shows you how to do this. I hope you find it helpful. More video tutorials are coming soon!

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Disclosure: Please note that some links to merchants mentioned within this website might be using an affiliate link which means that – at zero cost to you – I might earn a commission if you buy something through my links. I never recommend anything I don’t personally use and fully stand behind.