Here I want to tell you about how these 10 years have been for me, what I have learned in it, how I changed myself, how it has come to where it is now.In other words an insight into my studio, my job, my life, my Passion, my fighting spirit, and what I have done to gradually come here.

But I start off with a warning. If you see me or my profession as nothing more than a service that you can use, a perfect woman in high heels, who does what the customer wants, believe me you're wasting your time and will probably read what you do not want to know .

If I am to you someone who's a part of your life, no matter how big or small, if you know that apart from being a Dominatrix / Mistress I also am a human being with a serious business and feelings that matter, than I hope you read something here which gives you that extra bit of knowledge about me because you want to. Perhaps you read new things, maybe not entirely, at least I hope that you enjoy reading my story.

Ten years of running a studio in a controversial field where there is always something going on, about which everyone has an opinion or prejudice. About which mostly negative things appear in the news. A field which is still linked with which it has nothing to do, namely prostitution.

A controversial profession which I have done all those years with untold Passion and through which I take you on a trip in the discovery of yourself by my Passionate sessions and life.My journey in which I am your guide in being able to deal with your pain.My journey in which I am your guide in finding your relaxation through your masochism.My journey in which I help you find strength.My travel and the rock that you occasionally need to climb to earn a proud feeling.My journey in which I make you laugh uncontrollably to let your stress be laughed away.My journey in which those important hugs are earned and given to you with so much passion and care.But also my journey where I take you within my limits and my rules in my own studio about which I decide alone. Where you are only welcome if I welcome you, if I find that you can be part of my studio and my Passion and that you may benefit from it.

In recent years, much has changed to what it is today and to who I am now. One thing has always been my priority, I fight like a lion when it comes to my studio, I fight for what I have achieved, I continue to fight to achieve more.I don't want a bigger studio, in terms of square footage.I don't want to have what everybody else has, that is what makes the difference. If you can get it everywhere there is no reason to come to me for that.I don't want to give you the same as I give to someone else, absolutely not. You are you, with your I have a connection that I do not have with another, with your make my own journey, I make your fantasies come true, not those of others.If you want standard things you should not come to me, then you can go anywhere.

My viewpoint on SM is clearly different. If you look for standard things or punishing dynamics, then look further. If you hope to turn the tables during a session to make me do what you want, or if I have to constantly point out orders and rules, find another place. If you want to be forced to do or endure things, find another place. There are many other women who love to give you what you want.If you come to my studio for the first time you will find out very quickly whether have found your place to be or not. If you have visited my studio for years then you already know the answer. It is an honour for me that I can take you to where I want you at that moment, to let you enjoy, to let you experience my thing.

As you know I had the opportunity in 2002 to expand my hobby to a profession, I have taken that opportunity with both hands. Of course it all started with becoming self-employed. For this you need a tax statement called VAR. At that time my partner was still alive and, he supported me wherever he could. So when I went to apply for this VAR logically he went with me to the IRS. He knew how exciting this step was for me. How hard could it be? In the hallway two gentlemen came for the appointment. When he got up to come with me one of the men asked why he would want that, that I would do just fine alone, he was not supposed to join.

After a brief explanation by my partner it was okay that he would sit in on the condition that he would not say a single word.For fourtyfive minutes, I was asked a lot of questions. The same questions were put in different words. The intent was to see if my responses were the same after asking the same thing in a different manner. One of the men did all the talking, the other made notes and elaborated on a question from time to time.

It was a very tiring conversation but finally it was finished. The men shook my hand and told me that I would hear results a few days but that it seemed that I had met all the criteria.When we were outside, I was really tired of the interrogation with a lot of unexpected questions. My partner was furious and he slipped phrases like "how dare they", "it seems like you're a criminal from the way you were interrogated", "a police interrogation is easy compared to this", "where do they get the courage, they should be glad that you want to be self employed "It turned out that I had not been the problem but that new legislation that had caused such a heavy and intense interrogation. The tax people did not know how to deal with that.

Not very long ago prostitution was accepted as a profession instead of being tolerated. Of course that is a very nice development, but it meant that they had tofind the right interpretation for all this and to find a way to ensure that somebody chooses this profession able and willingly. Since SM related professionals are in that same law they treated me as if I were to become a prostitute. Later on they apologized for how they had treated me.

Because of the controversy of my profession it is not possible to get a bank loan to decorate your studio. If I had started a clothing store, a shoe store or an office I would have been welcomed with open arms. They would have encouraged me to borrow some extra borrow and asked me if had had thought of this and that, but now this was not the case. As I was convinced of my own power I just jumped off the cliff.

I lived and worked with minimal furniture and maximal fantasy but the bills were higher than the income pretty soon I was heavily in debt. It resulted in a lot of stress that did not make living easier.

Not long afterwards I could not keep up and ended with a debt restructuring agency. They charge pretty seriously. The fact that you came there because you have money problems does not seem to bother them.

I ended up at the municipal social services department, hoping to get help. The appointment for an initial interview was in a barren room with nothing to demolish. The wall to wall desk and my chair were bolted to the floor.

A female employee sat at the other side of the table, introduced herself and asked nicely "Well you are self employed and want to get help to continue, about what sort of business are we talking ?" To which I said "a professional dungeon ". She started to stutter and mumbled that she had to consult a collegue, and left the room.

I never saw her again.

The woman who appeared in her place apparently had less trouble with my profession and spoke normally. She showed interest and helped me further. The necessary forms were completed, she listened to my story, questions were asked, copies were made and she explained how things would proceed.

An external agency was appointed to investigate whether my studio was viable and wether I had a realistic viewof my expectations and future.Amusing anecdote is that the staff assigned to me by the manager had to ask for special permission to watch gender-related websites and to do research in my field. This to find out important things like market value, price relationships, competition, supply and demand, etc.I was asked for a business plan, a future projection and some more of those things.

Finally, after weeks of tension the result of the investigation came in July 2005.I became the first official company in my field in the Netherlands to be approved for a business loan.I was so proud, relieved and it gave me the confirmation that I actually was hoping for all the time and was quite sure of.At the same time I thought it was scary because that company credit meant an amount to be payed monthly for a period of X years plus the costs for the external investigation.

At the beginning I had an accounting firm that I had found to do my administration. That was not easy because not everyone wants my kind of company as a customers. They find the strangest excuses for not taking my business. Eventually, also thanks to my work in the past, there is now a list of accounting firms across the country that have no trouble with this line of work. The accounting firm of my choice is one of them.

Because business was so bad I could not pay my fees and I had to take my administration to another accounting firm. Much cheaper, hardly any service and a lot of fuss, but I needed something.At one point I was told that they thougt it was no longer necessary to make VAT payment.That was the last drop, I had not fought so hard for nothing. I quit with them and went back to my "previous" accounting firm at which I felt good. The rest is history as they say, many years later. I am still with that firm today.

The study done by the external agency held something more. I was entitled to a few follow up sessions within the term of refund, for assistance where necessary. In addition, they also gave me tips that are essential for good business and some more training. They told me things that I had never thought about.

The accompanying explanation why it is crucial for good business made me understand and see its logic. These tips had and still have everything to do with the statistics that every company will gradually build. They actually help you to manage your operations.What questions do you always ask someone on a phone, for example.Find out where exactly to advertise and why and where not.How to implement a price increase, by how much and at what intervals.What is the importance of a website and how to profit from it by making the website work for you.How to be found on the internet and by whom you want to be found at the internet.And many more of this type of statistics.It pays to have a vision.

You learn to keep yourself constantly up to date and to stay focused.Gradually you discover that some people have a very special way of thinking about your business and that sometimes they think that by offering something, they may get a free session. It is a weird way of thinking, because if you offer to advertise for a car garage you will not get a free car from that store.There are those who think that it logical to pay for that nicely furnished room in that little hotel on that special location and do not find it strange that they should pay for the service. But they expect me to have a fully furnished studio and offer my services for free, what else does my Passion stand for?Apparently textbooks are distributed cheaply when you claim to be a poor student with little money but you wish to have them?

In short, another statistic that you get in time is reading a phone call.And that there are people who take you and your business less seriously than companies in other industries.

In this controversial subject nothing is as easy as it should be and that extends to everything.Not everybody will build your website, not every web host will host it.As said the majority of the administration offices does not welcome you while you're just as correct as other companies and keep a business administration.You can not advertise just anywhere, imagine.Do not think that you can call just any IT guy when your computer crashes or has a problem.Close a mortgage, get a car lease or a bank loan? All no.Getting insured for disability is something impossible. They are have not decided what to insure under that (STD? Maternity leave? A broken leg? Persistent injury?). It will still take some time before insurance companies have made up their minds. And if by chance you can get insurance then the monthly premium is so high that you can't even earn that.Just to name a few things.

If you are in business as long as I you can't escape a few other things. One is that from time to time you have to survive a certain period by persevering and believing in what you stand for. Sometimes it is not even a period but something you will always have to fight.

For example, there was a time when the business was slow and women in the sex industry apparently believed that by "doing" SM they could get rich in a quick and easy way.There was a time when out of nowhere suddenly a whole "new crop" of mistresses appeared who offered (parts of) themselves to slaves who had earned a reward.In general you know that these are times that you will have to sit out, these things vanish as quickly as they come up.

You find out that whatever you are good at, there always be others who rather copy your skills and steal your trademarks than invent their own. You can see this as a compliment, however frustrating it may be.

There will always be unregistered workers. Every industry suffers from it, in my field that is not different.The professional can later fix the problems that the amateurs have caused, it is the same with me. Only in my case I also find anxiety and sometimes irreparable damage. Well, it is a profession and not everybody can just do that. Everything stands and falls with supply and demand. Some prefer to risk their bodies for something free than to pay for security, hygiene and professionalism and proficiency.

Another statistic that occurs is that every once in a while someone pops up who thinks that my rules do not apply for him or her. People who will do everything to explore the limits. People who believe that where I must respect their hard limits they do not have to respect mine. Those who think that they can suddenly make the rules. Those who believe in the proverbial "grass is always greener at the other side of the hill'. In these past 10 years, 15 people have now discovered that they can really achieve an exit status. It seems to belong to running a professional business. Also that apparently belongs to having a serious matter and is in any doubt now also.It is something I am forced to decide at some point because there is just no other way, at least that is how it works for me. Actually I just had rather not to do this. I comfort myself with the thought that it is my last resort. To learn how to deal with those feelings is a learning process in having your own business, but it is anything but easy.It is unavoidable that someone thinks that he can buy, bribe or threaten you in order to get something done. Thia can be a pretty shaking experience as you are already in a controversial profession. Apparently it is worse when it happens to a car dealer, because in my profession I should expect this.The say.

Something the people of the external agency have also taught me;Now I know only too well the contents of that lesson.

Most of the time in running a private studio goes to the things behind the scenes, so to speak.

Administration takes a large part.

Contacts.

Photo Shoots, thinking, organizing, planning, executing. Then selecting the pictures taken, selecting what I want to use where. I as a control freak can sometimes switch an hour between two photos and decide yes or no on a small detail. An important decision I have also taken is to purity of the pictures instead of photoshopped in detail. To me that makes it art, yes also nice, but not really selected on representing that moment.

Website maintaince, there is quite a lot of time in that, I have it in-house so that I control the additions, removals and changes.

Moreover, my website is not built following normal standard. Then it would just be one of many. My website is different in all respects, that makes me who I am. I have to constantly know the possibilities and if and how I want to use them

The cleaning of my instruments, the studio, the wet room, replacing and supplementing materials.

Keep track of regulations (such as a while back a new rule about that latex gloves should not be used anymore but had to be replaced by Nitrile).

Keeping up with forums.

Reading important updates, news, medical stuff, etc.

Answer E-mails, keeping up with reading.

Something will always amaze me is that in most professions colleagues keep in contact. The advantage is that not everyone has to invent the weel again. It is about sharing knowledge and standing up for eachother.In my field, this is quite different, I found out in the course of time.While I am a professional and will refer someone to a colleague / studio when I think that the person can get a better experience elsewhere. For instance a discipline (which I do not have and someone else does), a fetish that he can experience better somewhere else.It turns out that in this business it is me for myself and God for us all.Which says that being commercial is clearly different from being Professional.

I personally believe that professionalism is shown by sticking to your abilities.I personally do not perform all disciplines within BDSM and I certainly do not want that. For me there is rules that I have to like it, I should master it 100%, it should be feasible within the size of my studio or possible within what I can further arrange. I want to have enough medical knowledge to be able to do it without causing damage, to name a few rules.I have clearly thought about what I offer, how I want to offer it and under what conditions. I also want to make sure that I train myself in that specific subject regularly eg. by daily whip practise and by getting to know new whips and other tools.

I got into this profession because I really wanted it, and with a vision (though through the years I change and develop and legislation changes, etc.).I did not get into it with thoughts of getting rich quick, I did not start by copying someone, I don't do it to please horny people who are eager to learn and experience all perversions.No, I started to do this from a very different perspective, call it "the spiritual part of man and what it "needs"".

Another "statistic" that occurs gradually over the years is a casual selection on different criteria.

Names, some names are very common here in the studio. Others not at all.It also appears that some names just do not work with or for me because either that particular name does not appear in the studio or that particular name has totally vanished the studio.

In an interview a few years ago, I was asked what I would like in the future. My response "remain as it is now."In almost every other interview I read "get bigger and expand."That of course is fine, but in my opinion that is absolutely not the same as being good at what you do, getting better at what you can offer and being able to offer something of real value.What I give to someone during a session has nothing superficial, has nothing to do with a specifically decorated room belonging to a certain kind of role play. Has nothing to do with an x number of differently decorated rooms that you can offer.It has everything to do with what I truly want to give, real impact, feeling, strength, depth, emotion, trust, my passion to give you, to let you enjoy, a special or many memories to take with you and keep forever, etc.To make my fantasy your actual experience.That requires a lot of myself, not only commitment but also things like attention, time, feeling, depth and it makes that I can not work like on an assembly line (I would absolutely not want too). If you come to me you have a total experience that does not stop with just one session, unless you want to.When the time comes that I can not give that passion and what I offer you becomes work, it is time for me to quit.

To me you can say anything, with me you can share everything, you can talk to me about any of your struggles. Things with which you do not agree, things you do not like, things you are unsure about, questions that may have.I will always answer truthfully, I will think with in a serious way, I am open to criticism, I offer you my ear as addition to what you need.If you do not want this, that is also fine, just know that the possibility is there. I have no crystal ball, I can not guess what goes on in your head, but you can tell me that and we can talk about it.

In my studio, I made another important choice. Namely that I want to be there for everyone, want to be affordable for everyone to experience SM. I do not only want to the educated man with the matching income.

Therefore my studio session amounts have always been low. At the same time I know what I am worth, I know where I stand and that what I do, what I make possible, that what I can offer you simply has the price tag that matches. For me it is a matter of looking for and finding a balance.What me and this studio offers is absolutely worth that amount.

If you have read this, I have already taken the first step to the next milestone. I hope to achieve that (again) with you.