I’m an introvert who fears rejection. Rejection makes me sad. Rejection makes me feel… rejected. To avoid that feeling, I tend to not write anyone anywhere. Saves me the bad feelings and embarrassment. That’s why I have no friends. But, sometimes, when I’m feeling lonely, I try to reach out to people. Instead of being anonymous, I’m onymous and I send comments to people I’ve never spoken to before. But every time I get this wave of courage, people don’t respond and I revert back to being anonymous. Sort of. I actually fear rejection so much that most of the time I talk myself out of sending comments on anonymous. I’ll type it all out, then say, “What’s the point?” and delete it.

That’s actually what I’m going through right now. Over the past few days, I went comment crazy. I follow these blog closely, and it bothers me that these people are interacting with other bloggers and posting new things, but have yet to reply me. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but that doesn’t last long and I still end up upset.

It’s a horrible way to live. I know this because I’m thirty and my only friend is my sister, who’s house I live in, along with her husband and children. Fear is holding me back so much in life and it’s defeating me. At least five times a week, I say “I’m so lonely”. But even if I had friends, I wouldn’t hang out with them all the time. I’m an introvert, but one can only be introverted for so long before they need interaction with other human beings. Co-workers don’t count.

ReNn

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7 Comments

Rejection is a part of life – just as every negative thoughts and feelings that it brings to our minds and hearts. Avoidance is a wise choice once or twice, but… don’t you think that it makes the fear worse, when it becomes a habit? It seems to me that it grows with time. (Not that I’m much different – I feel you. I just wonder).

There are plenty of reasons why people would not reply for a comment. I’m convinced that it’s not personal. For example: I guess that journal writers are mostly introverts. I have such days when I can’t find any word to spare by myself, so replying takes longer. If it takes too long I just feel stupid, that I have such a huge delay and it becomes embarassing to reply.

Oh, I get that too. I feel ridiculous replying a week later. And this happens frequently. When I tell myself, “I’ll do Is later.” but I don’t and then forget about it.

About these people, I know it’s probably not personal, I just can’t help feeling that way. It’s most likely a confidence thing on my part. And you know, I’m sure if I put myself out there more, I’d forget ever person I tried to talk to. And if, out of, say 10 comments, I got one response back, that would totally make my day.

I’m aware of most of my faults, most of the things in me I need to change, these unwritten rules I shouldn’t live by. Yet I can’t help but repeat these mistakes and keep thinking these thoughts that deep down I know aren’t true. And you’d think, that if I’m so tired of living this way, I change some things about myself and the way I’m living. But that’s not the case, because it all comes back to my fear of rejection and ridicule by people I don’t even know.

Noticing and even understanding the issue is one thing. The way we feel is another thing. It comes and goes and we can’t help it. It’s alright to feel however you feel about this.

Living this way is a kind of a safe pattern, but who among us doesn’t want safety? I get what you mean. It’s understandable. I have such days, weeks, even months, when I’m no different. I’m hiding at home, because I can’t take being outside, among the other people.

I wish I could freely have time to myself. But being in a house with 4 other people. Even if I lock myself in my room for the day, it’s not the same. I’m always interrupted, but I also get this sense of guilt that I’m not helping out around the house or keeping my sister company.

Oh dear… Living in such a crowded space is very stressful. How about finding a shelter for yourself? To take a walk sometimes, to hide in a library, to go to a swimming pool if you like – maybe you need a place to go to gather your thoughts and undurden a bit..

Honestly, I spend most of my days at work. I’m always happy to come home. But there’s no peace like the peace I get when the world is asleep at night. I put my headphones on and not have to worry about anything. The only problem with that is the sleep I tend not to get much of because I either have work n the morning or the kids barge into my room while I’m trying to sleep in. Then I feel guilty for being tired in the day, because it’s possible my sister didn’t get much sleep the night before because of the baby.
But I don’t think anything relaxes me more than the night.