Wedding Procedure irritates me nearly as much as the reasons most engaged/married fuckers have for getting married (For a person with an Anthropology background…you would think i would have more respect for cultural practices). Ha! More fury and rants after the jump, yo.

We've all seen this about-to-be-married bitch....

First of all…I wasn’t all that familiar with American wedding culture when I got here. Then, a couple years ago, a good number of my friends decided that getting hitched was THE NEXT STEP. All of a sudden I found myself invited to weddings. Okay, fine. You want to celebrate your social contract? Fine. Booze and food? I’ll go.

Then, I found out how much time and money is expected of a wedding guest. And I haven’t even STOOD UP in anyone’s wedding yet, Yahweh forbid. Although, I almost had to be a Maid of Honor for one friend’s wedding, but they called it off (GOOD IDEA!!! AND HOORAY FOR ME!!).

Apparently, these bride bitches have to have an engagement party, a bachelorette party, a wedding SHOWER (aren’t those for babies?), a wedding, AND a honeymoon. What the fuck? And I’m expected to hook you up with gifts for all of those things? Christ…I can get a plate of champagne chicken and a few mixed drinks for way cheaper on my own. Americans are so fucking GIMME GIMME GIMME.

I love my Mom. She doesn’t subscribe to registries. She doesn’t hand out cash moneys. She straight up buys people whatever she wants. Because they’re gifts. And she doesn’t owe them anything.

No one should have to finance your marriage. If you can’t afford a wedding, don’t have one. Put a down payment on a house, car, or crib for your shotgun baby. Instead of buying some fucking conflict diamond, howsabout you donate your time/money to the people that are suffering from the diamond trade?

Oh wait, that’s right…because why do you want to get married? (And I quote)

“Because I want that ring!”

“Because I want my daddy to walk me down the aisle!”

“Because I want everyone to call me Mrs. _______!”

“Because I want a pretty dress and to have my day!”

Okay, I digress. That’s a whole ‘nother post.

Just you wait until my “Life Choices” party, where I celebrate not marrying some asshole and not popping out 4 kids to fix the marriage when it goes sour. I’ll be registering at Tiffany’s, you married folk. All my baller friends who didn’t have stupid weddings? You can buy me whatever the fuck you want.