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No Small Talk Episode 17: “Official Podcast For Gorillas,”

The famed author, Chuck Klosterman, created intricate questions in an attempt to avoid “small talk.” Per his words: “Some people are extremely good at making small talk. These people are better known as ‘idiots’. “

Having all their conversations be nothing but small, Matthew Ryan and Stephanie Sottile thought it’d be fun to answer some of these questions:

Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called super gorilla. Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign-language lexicon of more than 12,000 words, an ID of nearly 85, and- most notable- a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs 700 pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be “borderline unblockable” and would likely average six sacks per games (although Jackson concedes that the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear that he would never intentionally injure any opponent.

You are the commissioner of the NFL: would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?