As I always say, you can’t really
change a person unless they WANT to change.
In many cases, the character of the person
will remain the same. But if you’re talking
about small changes, then there’s a chance
that you can help promote change with the
following technique.

The key is to separate the behavior
from the identity of the person. This way,
the person will feel that it’s not really
their fault.

Here’s how to do it:

1) Start by complimenting the person. Tell
them what they want to hear.

Example:

“Jennifer, you are a wonderful,
wonderful woman and I like you a lot. You’re
kind, generous, and adventurous. It’s very
fun to be around you.”

2) Bridge it to the behavior you want to
stop, but do it in such a way that you’re
suggesting their real identity is opposite
of the behavior you are trying to stop.

Example:

“I can also tell that you’re a very
loyal person by the way you treat me, your
friends and family.”

3) Then separate the behavior from the identity.

Example:

“But sometimes when I see you talk
to other guys, I get uncomfortable. I know
you’re not trying to flirt with them because
that’s not the kind of girl you are. You’re
not like other girls and that’s why I fell
for you.”

Here’s the bottom line. If you tell
someone they are horrible because they did
something stupid, then you’re attacking their
core identity and forcing them to act defensive.
But if you tell them you think they are too smart
to do something stupid, then they probably
won’t do it just so they can keep the good image!

Once in awhile, I’ll get an email that
goes, “Marius. There’s this woman who is
going around spreading rumors about me.
People are starting to believe her and it’s
hurting my success. Girls don’t like me anymore
because of her gossips. What should I do?”

Okay. I’m going to have to be a bit
blunt here. 9 out of 10 times, unless you’ve
done something drastically wrong, if people
are treating you badly because of gossips
from one person, you should really take
a good look at yourself and see why you are
so unpopular.

Let me give you two scenarios…

Scenario #1:

A woman who is quite popular spreads
some false rumors about a man who is not so
popular in a small community. Who will the
crowd side with?

Scenario #2:

A woman who is not popular at all
spreads false rumors about a guy everybody
loves. Who will the crowd sides with?

Here’s the hard truth. If everybody
is joining in to ignore you or to humiliate
you, chances are, you weren’t that popular to
begin with. If people liked you, they would
have defended you. Sounds harsh? It’s
reality.

So the first step to stopping and
preventing false rumors is to be more
likable.

Think about why people dislike
you, and think about how to make more friends.

Once you have the “majority support”,
then you can become to isolate the gossip
spreader as a loser who can’t be trusted.

By then, you can also confront the
gossip spreader directly. Go up to the
person and say something like. “Hey.
I just thought I should tell you that
there’s a gossip spreading around you
in the office. But don’t worry, I won’t
pass it in.”

Then when she asks you what it is,
say, “Oh. I overheard it from someone –
I can’t tell you who – that everybody
thinks you are the biggest gossiper in
the office and can’t be trusted.”