The Impersonals

A humor 'zine from Twitter's funniest writers

On the latest episode of HBO’s “Girls,” Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet) is watching TV with a male friend who tells her she can “touch it” if she wants, “it” referring to his visibly erect member. While most of us would probably choose to lean in with an awkwardly timed and poorly aimed kiss, for some, words speak louder than actions (and considering some of those actions, you probably want their volume kept low) when making one’s proverbial “move.” Here are what I consider to be some of the choicer segues.

“Pucker up, buttercup!” –I heard second or third-hand about someone I know actually using this, thereby blowing what had hitherto been a sure thing. Not sure enough, I’m afraid.

“The moneymaker wants a kiss!”-announced immediately after said pecunia-producer was
spontaneously displayed for public delectation. This, too, did not work. (I’m told.)

“I think the twins want to come out and play!”-this gem apparently succeeded, but at what cost? Both parties (and the twins) should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

“Would you like me to give you a breast reading?”-according to another HBO show, “Real Sex,” there are actually professionals who do this for a living. But I don’t know whether an amateur has ever pulled this one off, and I don’t want to.

“I’m worried about a freckle down there. Could you take a look?”-all right, this would never, ever work except maybe on a licensed dermatologist, and in that case you still might not be communicating your intentions clearly enough.

“The Naked Man”-I’m cheating a little here, as this is not a line, per se, but an action. Viewers of CBS’ “How I Met Your Mother” may recall the guy who greets his would-be conquests in the buff and trusts his luck. This character claims the ruse works “two out of three times.” I’m actually prepared to believe that, but when you consider what that third person might do, those odds just aren’t good enough.

“I was hoping you’d chain with me.”-the author actually said this to a girl on Halloween, 1992 while on a road trip at Bucknell University. I had given her a cigarette and she declined a second after we had smoked together. She repeated this line to our mutual friend for some time afterward.

“Suck me, beautiful!”-in the movie “American Pie” Oz (Chris Klein) tries this one more or less out of nowhere on a slightly older and much more mature girl. The girl laughs in his face, as well she might. For my money it’s the all-time greatest “Make Your Move” line.