6.15.2010

Recently when I was visiting home I discovered a little cache of ancient computer media. Included were several floppy discs, one of which was a set of Word Perfect files I had saved in the spring of 1999, placing me in 5th grade.

I can't remember what the assignment was but I wrote five very short stories and made illustrations, I can tell from the formatting. To read these gives me mixed feelings. On the one hand, given how I remember events from the 5th grade-era and stuff from before that, I would have guessed that I could have been able to compose ideas better by that point. On the other, I can recognize the roots of my sense of humor.

Without further ado, here they are:

3 LITTLE PIGS AND THE VACUUM CLEANER
Knock! Knock! The little pig opened the door.
“I’m from the Wolfe Vacuum company.”
Suck! Suck! The little pig was gone. He was inside the vacuum.
Suck! Suck! The little pig’s brother just joined him.
Beep! He turned on his cell phone and called his other brother.
“Don’t open the door”
“Ok”
Then they heard: “It’s granny from Little Red Running Socks.”
“Forget it, Babe!” said the little pig’s other brother.
“I quit!” said the wolf and he walked away. The little pigs’ other brother opened up the bag.
THE END!

SKY IS FALLING
Clunk! A piece of something hit Chicken Little on the head. It was a macaroni noodle.
I’ve got to tell Goosey Loosey.
“Goosey Loosey! A macaroni noodle hit me on the head.”
“That shows! Chicken, that is scientifically impossible!”
Splish! Splat! They all got smashed by noodles.
THE END

LITTLE RED RUNNING SOCKS
One bright, clear day Jack and Jill climbed up the hill to take some food and a pie to their grandmother. Jack put the basket handle in his mouth and started to climb the pea stalk. Jill came climbing after. When they reached the top they skipped in the cloud over to their grandmother’s.
She opened the door and they walked in.
“Hi, Jack and Jill who climbed the hill to take the food and a pie to me. I made something for you.” She handed Jack a red hat and Jill red running socks.
“Thanks a lot!” They said in unison. Then Jack gave grandmother (who was-you guessed it) the basket. Looking inside she said,
“What shall I eat with all of this jelly?” Then she stared at them. Jack and Jill who climbed a hill to take some food and a pie to their grandmother ran to the pea stalk and leapt long distances down. When Jack and Jill etc. reached the ground Chicken Little warned them about the noodles. Then a deluge of noodles saved them from grandmother.
THE END

RUMPLESTILSKEIN GETS REVENGE
One day a slave women met a little man.
“Yo! Wanna be rich?” he said.
“Ok”
He gave her a contract that looked like an eye chart. She signed it.
“Whatever,” he said. POOF! A box labeled ‘laughter’ appeared and the little man was gone. She opened the box and she started to laugh.

While she was laughing her baby to sleep one night the little man reappeared.
“You get laughs, I get the baby.” and he held up the contract. Poof! The baby was in his hands and the only thing the lady could do was laugh.
The end

THE COKE BOTTLE TOUCH
One day President Midas was walking in his garden.
“Save ME!!!” screamed a fly. Pres. Midas pulled the fly out of a web.
“Not you!” cried the fly.
“I wanted to let the spider save me from my misery.”
“Sorry.” Midas confessed.
“Sorry? Sorry!! Sorry, sorry doesn’t cut it. I don’t like you so I will give you the Coke Bottle Touch!”
“I don’t think that will be necessary,” Midas asserted.
“Whatever!” screamed the fly. And with a small whoosh the fly was gone. Midas strolled back to his office. As he started to type his computer turned into a Coke Bottle. He hated that fly.
By the next afternoon most everything in the White House was Coke Bottles. His wife was going to come back that afternoon. When he met her at the airport he touched her by mistake.
“Not you too!” he cried. Then he touched himself.
The END

Hmm, I'd like to think a teacher got a chuckle out of that. I suppose I'm weird or maybe little kids are full of unintentionally strange things. Perhaps the occasional things like this make up for having to deal with little kids all day.

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Letters in Bottles began in January 2005 as "Letters in Bottles: The Island Pundit" at the University of Wisconsin. Started by Steve S, the blog includes a number of regular contributors, all of whom met originally on the "island" of Madison. We are: A veteran of the Iraq War. A former Peace Corps volunteer in the Caucasus. A law student in New Orleans. An Engineering grad student. We comment regularly on politics, world affairs, culture, news, music, and much more.