(Not Quite) Finished

So my appointment yesterday…I am going to start by saying that Mike and I had already decided, even before we didn’t see a heartbeat, that this OB wasn’t going to be a keeper. We wanted to switch to an OB Dr. Hirisk had worked with on the regular, and he’d never even spoken with this OB. To paraphrase Dr. Hirisk, he is the one who writes the recipe, and the OB is the one who follows it. That’s why we wanted to switch to an OB that he recommended, to take advantage of that familiarity and teamwork. (UCLA seems to be the only hospital around here where the perinatologist actually deliver the babies. I miss UCLA.) Then I miscarried and we figured we’d switch with the next pregnancy.

Anyway. As I sat on the exam table with a paper drape across my bottom half, I told Mike that I hoped the pathology was back on the pregnancy tissue. I wasn’t sure enough time had passed. The OB came in and instead of preparing for my pelvic exam, she sat on a chair, looked at me, and said, “The lab called, and they told me that there was only YOUR tissue in the sample I sent, none from the pregnancy. So they couldn’t test for chromosomes or any of the other tests they were going to run.”

It was one of the few times in my life where I have LITERALLY been speechless. I think my brain was like, “Cut off all ability to speak! Only hate-filled swear words will escape her lips!” I could hear Mike saying things but I couldn’t tell you what he said. I remember thinking, “I’m never going to know what caused this miscarriage.” At some point I refocused on the OB and I realized she was asking me if she could do the pelvic exam. I said OK and laid back.

The exam hurt, although that was more a product of the situation than the OB – anyone that’s had a speculum exam knows they aren’t exactly a relaxing massage. Add in some probing, prodding and pushing on my poor sore uterus and you get the idea. When she was done she told us she wanted to do a blood test because she couldn’t rule out the presence of tissue. Meaning, the D&C might not have removed everything. Meaning, you know, she might not have removed everything.

Mike asked her what my options would be if there WAS still tissue present. I can either a) wait a bit longer to see if the tissue passes naturally; b) take methotrexate to help jump-start my body into passing the tissue; or c) have another D&C. Mike and I will be going with option d) never seeing this OB again. If the test results come back indicating remaining tissue, my perinatologist will advise us on our next steps.

I know this OB has delivered many, many babies and lots of people love her. She’s just not the right OB for me.

I am supposed to get the results of the blood test sometime this morning. I am hoping everything checks out because I’m tired of always being the person who has the random complication. I am trying to stay positive. I want to heal. I have a big summer of fun with Annie planned, and I am not going to let this prolonged situation get in the way of that.

40 Comments

Jenn says:

OOhh My Gosh Heather….I almost don’t know what to say!!! I am disgusted!! I have NEVER heard of such a thing!! I think getting a new OB is not only a Great idea but is also a Must especially since she’s broken your trust. I do hope they will be able to still test the tissue so you can find out as much as possible about what happened and maybe even give you a little closure.

OOhh man, sending you the BIGGEST HUG!!! I’ll be thinking about you today!

I can totally understand. She wasn’t who you wanted, and she wasn’t who was recommended. I can relate.

I had to drop my GYN when I got pregnant because she worked at a hospital that didn’t do OB services. I really loved her. I went with the OB she recommended at a nearby hospital, and while I didn’t really like her as much (she was too business-like), I at least trusted her. Halfway through the pregnancy, she ended up moving halfway across the country for personal reasons, and a junior doctor inherited her caseload. She seemed like a nice person, but boy was she not prepared to deal with my by then high risk pregnancy… and while she had better bedside manner than my former OB the trust that she knew what she was doing was just not there (to wit: her intern was better at finding a heartbeat during routine exams than she was… granted, we always had that problem, but being schooled by her intern was a bit much for me).

Didn’t really have enough time left to find a new OB, so we carried on. But now that it’s been a year and a half, and we’re pondering having another child, I’m just not confident that I want the same OB. I mean, she’s nice alright, but it just wasn’t a good fit.

defendUSA says:

Heather…I don’t know, but I will assume the blood test was a serum HCG. Usually, that would drop after a couple of weeks. It’s possible that you are just slower at losing the tissue. I was given methotrexate. I didn’t bleed very long and I don’t really recall pain or cramps. They did analysis of the tissue as well and all it said was “fetal parts present”. If I were that OB, I might have given you the methotrexate to begin with, simply because your body did not miscarry naturally. This was my OB’s chat with me nearly 21 years ago. I bled a bit more profusely there in the office and he kept me there for 4 hours because in my drugged stupor,I heard him say he might have to admit me, but I got up and begged him to let me go home.
I’m with you.That OB has no bedside manor and if she has not had children, I can see why- if she does have kids, she must be one cold-hearted be-otch. I had one like her and I told her off. Nobody should be treated the way you were. Period.

mccgoods says:

I really want to run right over there and yell at that DR and then give you a giant hug. I am sorry you are going through all this.
I hope you find answers they had no answers for me and now I wonder if they sent any tissue to be tested at all as I wasn’t happy with any of my OBGYNS
sending you so many hugs

Elisabeth says:

With a few details changed, your story could be my own. Thoughts and prayers are with you and that your new OB will get things sorted for you ASAP. It took nearly 10 weeks for me to pass everything “naturally” with multiple doses of methotrexate. I’m taking BCP now for one cycle to hopefully “shock” my system back into normal. I’m furious for you that you won’t know the cause of your miscarriage, given your medical history. My OB felt we didn’t need to do testing in my case, since I don’t have any additional risk factors, but in yours, that is absolutely unacceptable. My heart goes out to you. The not knowing and mind games that go with that are awful.

Suzie says:

Oh Heather!! You continue to inspire me with your strength and positive outlook! @Elisabeth…my story is soooo much like Heather’s and makes me sick to think that this exact scenario repeats itself over and over! I went with the Methotrexate route 3 of the 4 miscarriages and had D & C’s with all 4. ugh! It will work out for you and Mike! I am so glad that you have summer plans with Annie for lots of fun! She is so cute, she makes me giggle out loud every time I read your blog and see her picture. ? I haven’t posted in quite some time, but am a faithful IA stranger that has been sharing in your journey for years. Sending you big, big hugs! You are your best advocate and you will find the best care possible. It has to feel right for you!

Rose says:

I am so sorry. I know the feeling of being speechless. On my third miscarriage I asked the doctor if they would be testing to find out if the reason was genetic. I was told no, only 2 of my m/c was with that current doctor, the first was with a different OB so it didn’t “count.” I was furious but couldn’t utter a word because I was so stupefied by what I had heard. I never saw that doctor again. She was a great doctor but had terrible bedside manner and to me, those are equally important.

Again, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I’m sorry you won’t have the answers you would like. My heart goes out to you. ((Hugs))

Jen says:

I am so, so sorry. With my second miscarriage I opted for the tissue to pass naturally and it was an agonizing 4 week wait with nothing to show for it at the end. I had already had a D&C with my first miscarriage and didn’t want to go the surgical route again. I took methotrexate and the whole, long horrific process was (finally) over during a weekend.

You and Mike have been in my prayers and I am horrified that this is still going on for you.

Erin says:

Courtney says:

Heather, I’m so sorry. This is such an awful situation already, and you want to get it over with as soon as you can so you can move forward. I had a bad experience with my doctor leading up to my m/c, too, and it really does feel like you’re taking back some control when you decide to find someone else. Eff those a-holes and their terrible bedside manner and callous behavior, frankly.

I hope this is over for you soon so you can have your summer with Annie and can start really healing.

Jessica Guidry says:

I am so sorry your family is going through this. I found out that I was infertile at age 20, so female problems of this nature are foreign to me. I do know about MTX (Methotrexate) though. I was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondolytis a few years back and MTX is part of the treatment. It is also used to treat Rhuematoid Arthritis, Crohns Disease and some types of cancer. Im sure you have already done research on this. I just wanted to share from the perspective of someone who was on it for years that I would avoid it at all costs if you have that option. It is known as a low dose chemo and has a long list of side effects of its own.

jess says:

I don’t really have anything to say about the D&C because I’ve never had a child but I *will* say go with option D and show this OB your behind. Her uncaring beside manner has made me speechless. You have more willpower and more, well my boyfriend would call it niceties, than I do. I’d have exploded by now. I most definitely would not go back to her for another D&C and honestly I don’t trust her to give me the methotrexate. I truly hope that everything can pass naturally so you do not need anything else. And I hope you heal (physically) very soon.

Please continue to rest, and my continued love and prayers are being sent to you.

Kyle says:

So so sorry, Heather. I’m also the one that always has the random complications. It’s frustraighting and, well, pisses me off. I end up telling myself – it could be worse – and don’t let myself be angry. You have the right to be angry that this has happened to you, at the lot you have drawn. Scream at the top of your lungs. Break something. But then you have to let it go so it doesn’t eat you up. You know that. But sometimes I have to write it out so I give myself permission to be angry and then let it go. You are loved. By family and strangers. If we could take the pain and feel it for you, we would. I hope it gets better quickly, very quickly.

Leslie says:

Oh Heather, I am so so sorry. This OB sounds like a terrible match. I am sorry that you are going through this, as it is making an already awful situation that much worse. I hope you feel better AND get some answers soon.

HeidiLee says:

Shelly says:

Find out who this OB reports to and file a complaint against her. She sounds completely incompetent (sp?) to deal with miscarriages and anything that’s not a “normal” pregnancy. After my second loss, my then-OB said I had to just lose one more and he would start testing. That day I started shopping for a new OB. Found one and she scheduled a test immediately.

I have so much more to say but want to keep my entry clean and post-able so I’ll say good luck finding a new OB that actually cares about his/her patients and isn’t so quick to dust off their mistakes and make everything sound so “oh well”.

Zu says:

Word of caution about methotrexate – from what I know of it, it depletes your folic acid levels to zero, and can take many many months before you’re allowed to safely conceive again. My experience with it is from a friends ectopic, so maybe it’s different in your situation, or on doses, or maybe I just misunderstood altogether. But it’s worth making sure to ask about that directly if you’re hoping to try again soon. Just thought I’d mention it in case it’s true and they don’t tell you about it (they didn’t tell my friend until after).

Lisa says:

Rachel says:

I’ve never commented before but just wanted to post now and tell you that I had a very similar experience and I know how hard it can be. I had a “silent” miscarriage at 11 weeks pregnant and went in for a D&C. Eight weeks later when I went in for a second follow up and still hadn’t had my period they said I was either pregnant again or had retained tissue. Nothing like the emotional roller coaster of waiting a few days for blood tests to be sure. Lucky me, it was retained tissue so I tried a dose of Cytotec–lots of intense cramping but it didn’t work. I ended up having to have a second D&C. I was angry at my Dr., angry at my body, angry at the irony that my 11 week pregnancy was followed by a 12 week long miscarriage process. My Dr. said that it often happens that they miss all the tissue because they try to err on the side of caution and avoid complications from scraping too much/forcefully. Not trying to defend your Dr. but just wanted to let you know that there are others of us who have needed a 2nd procedure. It may feel like you are down at the bottom of a deep pit now with no way to get out (and those still present pregnancy hormones don’t help the situation) but hopefully soon you will feel that you are healing both physically and emotionally.

But…may I just say that I seem to recall hearing or reading somewhere that, in cases where testing on the ‘products of conception’ (as they’re often called) shows no fetal tissue in the sample, it is often thought that the embryo is/was female and cannot be differentiated from your tissue because of this (being as you’re, uh duh, a female yourself, LOL). Again, I’m not certain of this but I seem to remember that from my own miscarriage experience and my doctor mentioning it.

I’m so sorry, Heather. This just plain sucks.
I’m a believer that everything happens for a reason, so perhaps there was some reason why there were no results or answers in this awful scenario.
In my case, it turns out the m/c was preventable, had the OB been more observant (read: had she done her job properly!!!)
This just filled me with intense malice and hatred and anger. In that case, I would have preferred no results; the reality that the m/c was preventable was doubly devastating.

So depending on your perspective, maybe the lack of answer is preferable to the truth? I know in my case, ignorance would have been bliss.
Or maybe it’s one of those situations where the grass is always greener on the other side. Suckeyness is suckeyness, no matter how you cut it.

I’ve gone the methotrexate route; it was awful for me. I hope you don’t have to go through any more procedures, esp. methotrexate.

I think your decision to switch OBs is a good one indeed. A bad OB cost me my child’s life.
Madi G

Chrissy says:

Been in your shoes many times with miscarriages (never did have a live child but have two beautiful step children), but have never had this happen. I’m just so sorry. Talk about adding insult to injury. (hugs)

Mommy says:

Also, it’s pretty clear that you don’t want to say this OB’s name, and I have to say, you are a bigger person than I am! I would be telling EVERYONE this lady’s name and my experience with her, so other mommies don’t go to her. The fact that you are protecting her privacy and showing her so much respect when she has let you down and made such a heartbreaking situation somehow worse just goes to show what integrity you posess. The grace and resiliency and strength that you exhibit on a regular basis, and especially in the face of loss, is nothing less than inspirational. I am truly in awe of you.

Auntie_M says:

Definitely option D!!! Ugh!!!
My sis-in-law went through something very similar with her 1stfor pregnancy where despite miscarriage and D&C her hormones kept multiplying as though she were still pregnant. That went on for 2the freaking weeks while I fumed and had to be kept away from the hospital! They finally gave her the chemo and things got back to “normal.”
I am so so sorry!!! I would have had to hope to have been
been struck dumb or more likely I would have struck the OB…I am impressed with your self-control.
Again, just so sorry you have had to go thru any of this.
Much love