Swing Lower, Sweet Mondegreen

A MONDEGREEN IS a mishearing of a popular song lyric, patriotic affirmation, familiar epigram or other chunk of the electronically enhanced American oral tradition. Reader Milly White of Reno reminded me of one of the most familiar:

"The way I first heard the alphabet song, it was A B C D E F G H I J K alimento P. . . . I thought the alimento P was a different P from the vegetable pea, although it might be related to the pimento."

Craig Whatley misheard a news bulletin on the radio and became convinced that a patient was being considered for a "bow and arrow transplant." After that, how boring is a mere bone marrow transplant.

Another reader heard a commercial as, "Stop by for breakfast and enjoy our coffee, hash browns and piping hot ethnic muffins." Indeed, the moral opposite of Egg McMuffins, a concoction without a country.

Jacob Pemberton, when he was but a tot of 6, told a television audience for a children's quiz show that the national anthem was "The Starched Bangled Banner."

Jay Lee Smith of Success, Mo. (thanks to the World Wide Web, the Jon Carroll column is enjoyed by readers in many states, including catatonia), says that his 4-year-old daughter sang a line of "Jingle Bells" as "Bells on bobtail ring, making spareribs bright."

Another reader heard the last verse of "Home on the Range" as "And I stood there amazed, and asked as I gazed, if their glory exceeds that of Oz." An excellent question, probably better than the original.

And Jim Maxedon of Hayward says that his 7-year-old, Brooks Maxedon, goes around the house singing, "For he's a jolly good pharaoh."

Finally, Mary Beth Brown of Corte Madera writes: "A customer came into the Book Passage used-book department asking for 'The Rose on Walden Pond.' Our intrepid volunteer Joan Elliot translated that to 'Thoreau's "Walden Pond," ' and we found him a copy."

BUT MOST MONDEGREENS are rock 'n' roll lyrics. Brooke Shelby Biggs mentions a band named Del Amitri and its song "Nothing Ever Happens." The actual line is, "Secretaries turn off their typewriters and put on their coats." Biggs heard it as "secretaries turn off their vibrators and put on their clothes."

So you see.

Rich Ryall writes, "It was just last year that I learned the following lyric from U2's 'Bullet the Blue Sky': 'See them driving nails into the soul of the tree of pain.' This crushed me, because I'd been convinced that Bono was singing about driving nails into the soul of a Chia Pet."

A superior lyric in every regard. Amusing, unpretentious, not poetic. Plus, of course, it grows hair.

Gary Steinbach once heard that disco classic "Ain't no woman like a one-eyed skunk," while Patrick Ford enjoyed the neo-folk lyric "Coming into Los Angeles, bringing in a couple of geese."

SARAH WALKER OF Mill Valley heard the chorus of Van Morrison's "Moondance" as "May I have just one Mormon dance with you, my love?" One guy, many gals -- the Mormon dance.

Mark Langan heard Herman's Hermits sing "There's a can of fish all over the world tonight." That would be "kind of a hush," but the fish is better. Are better. Whichever.

Melinda Belleville of Kentucky heard a line in the Grateful Dead song "Going Down the Road Feeling Bad" as "Going where the karma suits my soul." The line is actually "going where the climate suits my clothes," but, like the Chia Pet and the glory of Oz, the mishearing is superior.

As an appropriate benediction, consider the way Walter Keeler heard Louis Armstrong's much-played version of "What a Wonderful World." The actual lyric is "The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night." Keeler heard, "The bright blessed day, the dogs say good night."