I'm a career success coach, leadership trainer, author and speaker dedicated to the advancement of women. I run a career and leadership consulting and training firm -- Ellia Communications -- that offers programs, training and resources for career growth. A former corporate VP, I'm a trained therapist and career specialist, and have worked with over 10,000 professional women and emerging leaders globally. Along with Forbes, I blog for Huffington Post, LinkedIn, and my own Ellia Communications career blog. My book Breakdown, Breakthrough: The Professional Woman's Guide to Claiming a Life of Passion, Power and Purpose, explores the 12 hidden challenges working women face today and how to overcome them. If my work interests you, please visit my website at kathycaprino.com.

The 8 Most Damaging Excuses People Make For Their Unhappiness

In honor of this exciting new year upon us, I’ve been thinking of my many clients this year – my wonderful, wacky, dedicated, and resilient clients who’ve made fantastic change in their lives and careers. It’s been an eye-opening and heartwarming experience to watch their lives unfolding in astounding ways. I’ve thought long and hard about what makes these individuals able to bring about dramatic change, and why others don’t or won’t.

People who are able to make life change have a sufficient dose of clarity, confidence, courage and commitment. Those four ingredients can make all the difference between a miserable life and a brilliant one. Folks almost never start out with all of these assets, but their commitment to changing what hurts and limits them urges them into a flowing river of change that brings more clarity, which in turn gets them in touch with their worthiness and confidence, which then gives them access to more courage to create life as they want it. Can everyone do this? Yes, everyone CAN, but only a few WILL.

Why won’t thousands of unhappy and unfulfilled people create life in the image of their dreams and visions?

Because they make excuses – millions and millions of excuses (both conscious and subconscious) that keep them from believing they are worthy of an amazing life or trusting they have what it takes to create it.

In honor of 2013 and the vast possibilities it brings with it, I’d like to share what I’ve seen are the 8 most damaging excuses people make – excuses, faulty reasoning and destructive myths that keep people down, and make their lives smaller, less joyful and rewarding than they ever need to be.

The 8 Most Damaging Excuses People Make are:

1. I don’t have the money to do this.

How people respond to the idea of getting outside help (coaching, etc.) acts as a metaphor for how they deal with their problems and their lives. I can’t tell you how many hundreds of people reached out to me this year desperate for assistance, asking me for free help, and claiming they don’t have any money to spend on getting the help they need, though they realize that outside help is exactly what is necessary now.

I know this will inflame some readers, but here’s the reality – if you believe there’s no way for you to generate even $250 – if you can’t think of any way to be of service to someone else that would generate more income for you, then you’re stuck in the biggest excuse of all – that money is the problem and the root of scarcity in your life.

But that’s completely incorrect. What’s lacking is your understanding of your vast capabilities, talents and gifts, and how you can be of service to others and the world. No matter who you are and what your life experiences and history have been, you have something important to offer that others need, and will pay you well for.

If money has been the key reason why you won’t get help or make life or career change, let it go, and understand that the more you empower yourself to take control, the more you’ll access your ability to be of service and make more money. Don’t play the victim anymore. (If money is a recurring problem for you, read the groundbreaking book The Energy of Money, by Maria Nemeth).

2. I’m not ready to do the work required to change.

Hundreds of unhappy and unfulfilled people admitted to me this year, “ I’m just not ready to make change. “ Here’s a stark reality folks – no one is really ready to make change. We resist change fiercely. We change because what we have created in our lives has become intolerable and we finally realize there’s no way to overcome it except moving through and beyond it, and that takes energy and courage.

As we embark on 2013, I ask you this – can you let go of your belief that you’re not ready? Can you simply accept that if you want something different in your life, there is no better time than now to bring that into being, despite how “ready” you feel? (If you’re ready for career change, check out my Amazing Career Project video training program, and download the free homework tool “Assessing and Closing Your Power Gaps.”)

3. I’m afraid of what I don’t know.

Welcome to being human. We’ve all heard the expression “The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.“ But in truth, this is just another excuse for staying stuck. The only way to have an exciting and enriching life is to stretch way out of your comfort zone, and to take on challenges that make you feel afraid of failure and embarrassment. Once you make facing your demons a common occurrence in your life, you’ll realize that “the devil’ is simply your ego fearing its demise. In other words, you are deathly afraid of making mistakes, walking through the unknown, and appearing (to yourself and others) as “less than.” But that’s what life is – unknown, uncontrolled, and unlimited. Go for it – find the one area that would excite you the most and stretch into the unknown. (Download my free Career Path Self-Assessment to understand what would excite you most in your career in 2013.)

4. What if it doesn’t work out?

I hear this excuse weekly – “What if this big change I’m trying doesn’t work out?” Well, then you’ll deal with it, and you’ll become stronger, more confident and more capable than you were before you tried this new direction. This happened to me – after my 18-year corporate stint and before I launched my coaching and training practice, I became a marriage and family therapist. After serving as a therapist for 5 years, I faced the reality that I simply didn’t enjoy or feel well-suited to the professional identity of a therapist. Some would say that “it didn’t work out.” But I believe it did – I use every single tool and strategy that I learned in my therapy training in my coaching, writing, speaking and training work. In the end, it did work out – I just needed to find the right avenue in which to apply the powerful and transformational tools that therapy training offered.

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Thank you for this article! But I think it lacks examples. I’ve cought myself wondering more than once while reading this, “What is she talking about?”, “So what should I do exactly, where do I start?” (Hope this is not an exuse.)

Thanks for your feedback, Hanna. I appreciate it. This piece was intended to highlight the major excuses people make, and get them thinking about all the ways in which they are holding themselves back from growth. As material in this post rang true for you, feel free to share your specific questions here, and I’ll point you to further articles, books, resources and programs that will help. The first step is to be aware of the excuses you habitually you use. The second part is to get outside help to overcome them. For instance, in the post, I link to several articles and books that offer transformational material, as well as my free Career Path Assessment, a link to my website (that offers tons of free resources, articles, coaching, etc.), a link to the AAMFT website for therapy referrals, and more. If I may be so bold, your question above does strike me as a bit of an excuse, because you chose to point out the post’s limitations rather than use this opportunity to ask your specific questions and get the help you need and want. I hope my response is useful to you. All best.

Thanks for your question, Elizabeth. Happy to address it here, and I’ll write another post on just this issue, in the new year.

First, you need to discern if your “inner voice” habitually tells you that you shouldn’t go for what you want, or if it’s just giving you a warning in this particular case. If it’s chronic, you might want to seek counseling or coaching to help you get to the bottom of why you put your dreams down. If on the other hand, your intuition is pointing to some flaws in your plan, it’s important to address them.

Find an advisor or mentor who’s done what you’re trying to do, and obtain all the advice you can about what’s required to be successful. Vet your plan thoroughly, and “try it on” – do passive research (google searches, read about the new direction and those who’s made it and those who’ve failed, interview people in the industry doing what you want to, etc.). Then do “active” research – find a way to put your toe in the water of this new direction – volunteer, offer yourself as a unpaid consultant for a project, shadow a professional in the field to learn what his/her actual days and weeks are like in the role, etc.

Sometimes the dreams we have for our professional identity aren’t a good fit in reality (as being a therapist was for me), but trying it on before leaping will show you that.

Finally, do a thorough assessment of the financial and other requirements of this new direction – what you need to spend through the transition, and the funds you’ll need on hand to make it a go. Don’t be in denial about what a career transition will demand of you emotionally, financially, behaviorally, and spiritually. It’s no small feat to change professional directions, but certainly very doable if approached correctly.

For more hands-on training and information on these steps, check out my Amazing Career Project. The “Explore” level walks you through all of this and much more, and gives you access to coaching with me monthly through group coaching calls.

I hope this helps. Wishing you the clarity, confidence, courage, and commitment you need to make the right decision for your happiness. All best in the new year.

Do You know the Quotation: I invented a 1000 ways how not make a light bulb? I know a couple of CEOs, who by personal talks admitted, how many mistakes (personally, by hiring the wrong people, not developing the right talent) they did in their life, and still they are successful.. I believe on of their secrets is not to be afraid to make the decision, to make the change and if it does not work, to make sure we understand why, and prevent the mistake from happening again… That is, what can bring You very far, just cross the rubicon of your self confidence…We can do it, and if it takes more then one try, lets try it again..

Very insightful and inspiring, as always! While I hate to over-generalize, a key question for readers is whether you’re a person that believe the world happens “at you” or someone that believes you have a hand in defining your future. If you truly believe the latter then you can’t really excuse yourself from taking action by hiding behind excuses! That said, #8 is very important as it’s easy to forget that our emotions impact our lens on the world. As I move forward (and sometimes two steps backwards before going forwards again!) with my own dreams and plans this is a great article to keep close.

Thanks very much for your feedback, Rebecca. Helpful differentiation you’ve made – between the belief that “life just happens” vs. the idea that we indeed shape, influence and participate in (co-create) what occurs. I’ve found that the more we take an active role in 1) determining what we really want, 2) developing the courage to stand up for that in our actions, and 3) becoming accountable for our part in life and how it unfolds, the happier and more satisfied we are in our lives and careers. Thanks for sharing!

Fantastic article. Follow these tips and you will be amazed at what you can accomplish. Key take away- let go of fear. It is paralyzing and comes in so many different forms. There is so much more that we are capable of accomplishing. Take a walk out side of your box, you are not stuck. It is a choice. No excuses!

Thanks, Karen. Glad the tips resonated. You’re right on – the key take-away is “let go of your fear.” Fear is a given; it’s what we do in the face of it that matters. Easier said than done, I know, but a life-changer when we can accomplish it. Appreciate your input.

Hello Kathy, I suppose it’s fate or God trying to lead me somewhere – I was struggling with this very topic tonight and you know what? I’ve made all the excuses, including the family one! Thank you for your article, it really gave me the confidence to proceed with my dreams, no matter how far fetched. :)