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Last week, I was given some crucial advice. I shall hold onto it forever, or until I have Alzheimers, and simply cannot remember the last time I took a piss. I was in class, and the instructor said to me “you seemed angry, and anger means that whatever is pissing you off won, and that girl up there she doesn’t lose, she wins”. To me that shit is deep. It struck a cord, and made me realize that whenever I am angry, and I am performing I BOMB! The audience doesn’t want to see some angry victim. I do well when my attitude is annoyed, because that thing didn’t win. I won.

I think I allow people to get to me. I allow them to upset me, and make me angry. I will give you one primary example: LOVE! Unfortunately, I am very good at picking horrible men, but I don’t necessarily fall in love with them, or develop any kind of emotional attachment, because I am extremely disconnected. I like feeling numb, because I am so emotional, and loving. Love causes me to lose control, and ultimately causes me to crash and burn. For me love is suicide. I really liked this one guy, and he was a poor choice. But I instantly felt a connection, I saw fireworks, and I became attached. I was attached to someone who jokingly called me a blow up doll, attached to someone who showed his co-workers private messages (don’t worry there were no photos), and when it pissed me off, he said they don’t know who you are. I felt so hurt. I felt like a loser. I felt like a moron. I felt angry at myself for allowing someone to speak to me like that, but you know what hurts more? Whenever I go to Sephora and they’re out of my favorite lipstick. See what I did there? I took pain and turned into humor. And whenever someone hurts me, and I’m on stage saying a joke about them, and I ultimately win, and the audience laughs…it is the ultimate FUCK YOU! Because I choose to win. And from now on I’m not going to let any dipshit cause me to feel angry especially when he doesn’t care about me. Fuck em I’m too good for that shit.

Last week, I stumbled across this book entitled “Men Don’t Love Women Like You”. I have no idea how I came across it, as I Google tons of shit all the fucking time, but needless to say I am glad I did. I can’t put it down! Everything this guy says is completely relatable, and there are so many things I do wrong in terms of dating.

For starters, he goes into major detail about how NOT to become a placeholder. A placeholder is a girl a guy is dating, but deep down he will never be truly committed or emotionally devoted to her. He said a guy will make you his girlfriend even if you’re just a placeholder, some men have even fucking MARRIED placeholders! WTF. He goes into great detail about signs you’re just a placeholder, and how to avoid becoming one. (I dont feel like writing them too long)

Here is the part that truly captivated me…ok so, I’m a NARC, and like most NARCS I think I am special. Like a unicorn, like no guy in the history of mankind has ever met someone like me..well turns out in the world of dating I’m a PIGEON LOL. He explains how if you start dating a guy….chances are he has dated someone similar to you..women tend to tell men too much in the beginning, we let our guard down if we feel too comfortable too fast…and that gives the guy power. So, all he has to do is go ok Jaclyn is an Alpha like Tina was, but she is also a dipstick like Melanie was and BOOM he figures out how to play me, if I reveal too many details too quickly.

Here is ANOTHER kicker! I’m a Millennial, and men of my generation are royal fucks. I hate most of them. So, I usually date Gen X, because I like my men a little bit older (35-38 range). These guys know how to DATE you. They’re usually not the Netflix and Chill type unless they’re broke losers. When a guy takes you on multiple dates and does not try to fuck you usually assume he likes you for more than just sex. WRONG. If you sleep with him after six dates, and he loses interest right after the sex, or his behavior changes…it was about sex all along, he just had a more gentlemen approach about going about it. But he still just wanted to get that D in your V 🙂

Kicker #2. I dated one broke loser last year, and after him I will never ever date a guy who is not financially stable. Ever. Financial stability is #1 on my check list. The author sides with me. The author hates dating apps, because he knows you only attract the loser Netflix & Chill types. He is all about a girl going on dates, and guess who should pay? The man. The broke loser I dated never took me out, and was totally clueless about how to be a real man. Part of the reason as to why I dumped him was because he was broke. The others were he was stupid, insecure, and jealous. I am at the point in my life where I dont have time for broke. I have a lot of choices when it comes to dating; I will never settle for a broke loser.

I am learning about ALL the things I do WRONG! Like this last dude, I opened up to him too fast, I liked him, got emotionally attached, and allowed him to fuck with me. I was in la la land, and he did not feel the same way, I was a placeholder, and because I really liked him..I ignored the red flags. Because he made me feel good. After reading this book, I will never be a placeholder again. FUCK THAT NOISE.

I have a whole new way of looking at dating, and the way I approach it. I also learned that I can be a really shitty partner LMAO. Like I am a total bully sometimes, and a huge brat. I try and boss men around to get them to do what I want, and for years I got away with it, or thought I did. Its probably one of the reasons as to why I get dumped a lot. I am also not as good with communication as I thought I was ooopssss! You can’t assume everything, or Google the answers to shit (thats what I do because I have trust issues) you have to ask the person you are dating straight up. With this last guy we shall call him LB. I should have asked LB if he wanted a relationship with me, or saw one in the near future…but I didn’t. I assumed he did not want one because of his behavior. I felt like I was getting dicked around, but I never came out and asked him the question. After reading this book, even if he entered a relationship with me it would have been a complete waste of my time because I was just a placeholder. He even told me I wasn’t his type. I could have wasted months of my life on this guy because he made me “feel” good. I am so glad I came across this book, I will never make the dipshit mistakes I have made in the past….those days are overrrrrrrrr.

I have a new date coming up soon, and will approach it a whole new way 🙂

#1.) Keep writing. Always. Everyday you are growing, and becoming more knowledgable, and this should be seen in your jokes. Always.

#2.) If someone isn’t as strong as you don’t listen to them. It’s okay to admit you’re talented because you are. Your brand is starting to grow, and people who are not as talented should butt out of your business.

#3.) Never ever tear down someone’s appearance in a joke. Do not do this to males or females. Sure you have made fun of people’s appearance in your life, yes, who hasn’t but for the stage you go after people’s character, you go after how stupid people are, because you’re bright. Your humor is witty, and humor targeting people’s appearances is easily accessible. That isn’t you. It is also shallow, and Jaclyn Passaro is not shallow.

#4.) Start looking better on stage. Dress better. Your comedy style is old school; it is very classic, and so should your physical appearance. All of the comics you enjoy do not go on stage looking schlocky. They look put together, because the comics you enjoy are not self deprecating.

#5.) Never apologize. There are people who will not get you and your style of humor. Fuck them.

#6.) Never ever dumb yourself down. The right people will fall in love with you.

#7.) Find a headliner who you compliment well and open for them.

#8.) Buy merch so you can start making some cash.

#9.) Perform in Florida & New York (This Year)

#10.) Continue to get darker, and darker. You like making people laugh at what they really shouldn’t laugh at, because its a challenge, and you have an ego. The ego says I am so good I am going to make you laugh at something you shouldn’t laugh at.

#11.) Become MORE narcissistic. The jokes that emphasize the narcness hit extremely well.

#12.) Act friendly. You are always stand offish, and that isn’t going to help you. Its going to make people think you’re a snob.

Everyone’s version of love is different, and I think because my parents relationship was really bad it really gave me a distorted view on love. Here is what I can say about it.

#1.) I remember the first time I fell in love. The guy had murder stories taped to his fridge, and we fucked to American Psycho. HAHAHA. He used to have random nose-bleeds, and liked eating quesadillas. I thought he was the greatest thing ever for a while until I outgrew him. He never wanted to get married, and he hated kids. At this point in time I thought he was a weirdo, and personally wanted to eventually get married and possibly have kids.

#2.) I remember the first guy who told me I was beautiful & truly meant it. We were laying in his bed, I remember looking over and seeing all the prescription pills he was taking.

#3.) My high school boyfriend had the best lips ever, no guy since then has had lips like those. But he is married now, and a plumber, and looks like the next door neighbor on Home Improvement…I think I outgrew that too. 🙂

#4.) The guy I lost my virginity to, could tell my hair smelled like vanilla, I thought it was romantic.

#5.) My first kiss overdosed on drugs.

#6.) My first boyfriend died, i think he committed suicide.

#7.) I dont like men who won’t fight with me LOLLOL. They annoy me.

#8.) I won’t date a guy who isn’t financially stable.

#9.) I won’t date a guy who is insecure.

#10.) I am no longer dating any guy who doesnt see how great I am, or is so insecure of losing me he says stupid shit to me to make me feel insecure so I won’t leave him.

So, I had a pretty shitty week. Eh it happens. But we learn from the bad in life, and if we are smart we use the bad to create something good…like in my case it is art.

I had an audition yesterday, and it went well! I got chosen to perform for Vets on November 11th! How COOL! Performing makes me feel so, so happy! It makes me feel like I am changing the world, and giving people something as magnificent as laughter makes me know I am doing something right. Whenever I am performing, and I am doing well, I feel like I am on top of the world, like I am on this amazing drug, and nothing has ever made me feel that way. Maybe performing will always be my boyfriend LOL. No guy has ever made me feel the way I feel when I am doing well on stage.

Also, I am doing a shoot next Saturday for a pilot that my friend Sally Mullins is producing, it is a dating show! If you haven’t checked her out please do Sally is one of my favorite people ever! So fucking talented, and so fucking nice! Everyone loves her. This is her site: http://www.sallymullins.com