Eilonwy: “Could we please cut the crap and move on? I’ve got something important to say.”

Oh, well, Ms. Grumpy and Entitled – by all means, steal my spotlight.

Eilonwy: “I hate ghosts.”

Alice: “You’re not all sunshine and daisies either, babe.”

Eilonwy: “Thank God for that. Now get out.”

Alice: “What’s the matter? Scared?”

Eilonwy: “Over my dead body.”

Alice: “I can arrange that… BOO”

Eilonwy: *faints*

Ouchh. That fall sounds like a few brain cells might have gone to war with the floor and lost.

Did I mention that along with being a philosopher I was also a pro at figurative language? Yup. True story.

Bri: “LOL my daughter has no balls.”

Eilonwy: “I wasn’t scared, okay?! I JUST FORGOT TO BREATHE”

Bri: *snicker*

Alice: “I see my work here is done. Now where is that grandson of mine?”

Bri: “HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?! It was the chicken who crossed the road. THE CHICKEN“

LaShawn: “WELL LLAMAS ARE FURRY AND NICE AND THEY DON’T YELL AT ME“

Alice: “So did you talk to your husband?”

Bri: “Affirmative, Mother.”

Alice: “And?”

Bri: “Mission failed.”

Aurora is the epitome of American housewives – Pregnant and in the kitchen.

Aurora: “And you are the epitome of idiocy. A wise person would have made that comment when I was loading the blunt objects instead of the knives.”

Eilonwy: “Pregnancy SUCKS”

Hmmmm cry about it.

Eilonwy: “Tears are for the weak.”

Remember that time you fainted?

Eilonwy: “I FORGOT TO BREATHE. I SWEAR”

Aurora: “I’M IN LABORRRRRR. And right in the middle of my spa treatment. DAMN IT TO HELL”

You’re telling me. That’s 7, 500 simoleons down the drain.

Aurora: “WHY isn’t my husband here to take me to the hospital?”

I believe he is restoring his energy through a trance-like state in which the whole body is relaxed and not worrying about annoying pregnant wives.

Aurora: “You mean sleeping?”

Eh. Tomato, tomahto.

Georgina Breckenridge: “And then she said something about ripping her husband’s balls off and feeding them to him while forcing him to watch TV.”

Lady Cop: “And what did this woman look like?”

Georgina: “Um… Pregnant… Blond hair… She came here riding on the back of a deer with a pack of woodland creatures.”

Phillip: “… Shit.”

Phillip: “Listen, Aurora-“

Aurora: “Don’t say a word.”

Everyone say hello to the beginning of Generation 4!

… I mean Pocahontas, from… well, Pocahontas.

She’s neurotic and clumsy.

Eilonwy: “Oh, my little minion. When you are born, you won’t make a fuss like Pocahontas did. No you won’t. Goochie goochie goo!”

Reginald! YOU’RE BACK!

Reg: “Well of course I am. This whole damn family would starve without me. They don’t know which end of a jelly jar is up.”

So a funny thing happened. I was playing the Liddell’s on their home lot when I hear the Music of Death, and I start freaking out because I think Brianna is going to kick the bucket. But after a thorough search of the home lot, I couldn’t find any dying sims, so I assumed it was a false alarm because I’ve had random, ominous music happen before (notably with the burglar tune sans the burglar). So I continued playing and after a while I noticed that LaShawn’s little icon thingy was gone, and I was like, “Fuck.” It took me about 10 minutes to find his tombstone, which happened to be right outside his workplace (the theatre). So not only was he boring and dumb as shit, but he gave me this damn second-best tombstone, the fucker.

Eilonwy: “I told her not to hurt me, and what does she do? She made me feel as though a shotgun blew a hole in my stomach.”

Like mother like daughter.

Her name is Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. She was born an insane and absent-minded sim.

Meanwhile, Pocahontas grew up and took after her mother. Success!

Reg: “Alice, I’ve always wanted to tell you this, but I didn’t while we were alive for I feared you might have killed me. But it’s different now that we’re dead.”

Alice: “Spit it out, Reginald.”

Reg: “You’re a bitch.”

Alice: “And you’re an awful cook. Now we’re even.”

Reg: “D: HOW DARE YOU”

Eilonwy got a makeover to look… Well, more like the Eilonwy from The Black Cauldron.

Bri: “Okay, so listen here, kid. When you grow up, you’re going to meet this nice man named John Smith. He is going to be handsome and brave, and at first you’re going to hate him because he wants to harm your little forest friends, or whatever, but then he lightens up and you fall in love. However, later he’s going to have to leave, but you have to make him stay! Otherwise this other man named John Rolfe will come along and you’re going to have to marry him instead. And you don’t want to marry him – he’s a ginger.”

TL;DR: Pocahontas 2 was crap. This is not up for debate.

And Esmeralda grew up with all the glory of a 2-year-old girl who looks like a little boy.

Aurora: “Damn Liddell’s can’t clean up their fucking shit.”

That’s what you’re for, woman. Get to work.

Pocahontas: “My blond-haired hunk is cuter than yours! om nom nom”

Esmeralda: “orly?”

Bri: “That’s it. If you brats aren’t going to be nice, then I’m going to have to separate you.”

Esmeralda: “THAT’S NO FAIR. SHE STARTED IT AND I’M CUTER”

Bri: “Finally! The house is quiet, and I have it all to myself. 10 points for Grandma! Woohoo!”

Bri: “Come on, Dastan*! Get the damn dagger and make like greased lightening out of there!”

*I saw The Prince of Persia last week, and I must say that Jake Gyllenhaal is extremely good-looking. The girl was annoying as hell and I wanted to knife her in the face, but hey – You can’t have all the bananas in the fruit bowl of life. But whatever, Jake Gyllenhaal was still hot!

Bri: “Mmmmm, I’d have to agree on that.”

Ew, you’re old.

Bri: “But I’m not blind. Oh, brb. Pizza’s here.”

Pizza Girl: “Here you go, lady. That will be 15 simoleons.”

Bri: “Okay, hold on there while I get m- HOLY SHIT, WHAT IS THAT BEHIND YOU?”