Old Girlfriend, New Habits

By

Emily Oster

Jul 15, 2013 12:46 pm ET

PATRIK STOLLARZ/AFP/Getty Images)

Hi Emily, I started dating a good friend just before joining business school. The two years at school really changed me as a person. The bad part was I started smoking, drinking more often and smoking marijuana socially quite a bit. The good part was that I became more confident as a person and made a lot of friends.

My girlfriend and I did not get to spend much time with each other while I was at school. The problem is that she is not at all OK with the changes that have happened to my habits and personality, mostly the bad ones. Although she tried to come to terms with many of the changes, I guess she still compares me with the person I was two years back, and we have broken up.

I really love her and I miss her a lot. Should I give it another try?Regards, Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
In economic models of dating (yes, they exist) we typically assume each individual has a “type.” People search around for a mate, and when they meet someone with the same type…yada, yada, yada…the model ends. By extension, if you change type, your current partnership should end and you should look for someone who is a match to who you are now.

It sounds like this is what happened. When you partnered up you were a straight-laced guy, albeit with fewer friends. Now you are a smoker who parties a lot. The standard economic setup would say that you should go out and look for someone new, someone who matches better with your new way of life.

You did that, and now you feel bad about it. I can see two reasons for that. One possibility is you are making a type of “sunk cost” mistake. You’ve spent time on this relationship and you feel bad thinking it was wasted. Getting back together for this reason would be a mistake: When you think about continuing the relationship you need to ignore what has gone before and ask only whether you want to be together going forward.

A second possibility is that deep down you actually don’t like the type of person you’ve become. Your longing for your old relationship may really be a longing for your old type. If that’s the case, I suggest stocking up on some nicotine gum and asking your ex to give it another chance, this time with the old you.
-Emily