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Weak

Over the past few days I’ve cried tears, so many tears, filled with different emotions and feelings. I’ve cried tears of anger, tears of annoyance, tears of hurt and tears of things I cannot even explain.

You see, I’m someone who doesn’t like to let others see my feelings, which includes seeing me cry. I’d prefer to hide those feelings or subconsciously repress them, because I don’t want to let my guard down. I don’t want others to see me vulnerable or think me weak.

As someone who is usually sweet, kind and finds it hard to say no, I am already an easy target for others and someone they can walk over. So letting them see me upset, angry or in fits of tears puts me in a worse position, as I believe that they will now see me as weak.

I’m an individual trying my hardest to stay strong in a world that seems to love tearing me down, so of course I want to put up a strong front. Letting others think I’m weak is the last thing I want.

However, bottling up those feelings isn’t a good thing and keeping them under wraps can feel like a heavy weight dragging me down, but telling someone isn’t always an option for me, so I release hurt and frustrations behind closed doors.

I will cry streams of tears, I might throw things and I’ll pour my heart out to God, because I know He’s always listening without passing judgement and He won’t get tired of hearing the same things again and again.

Sometimes I don’t like that I cry so much and that I get over emotional, but it’s my way of release and it prevents me from lashing out more at others. I’d also rather cry until my head hurts or my eyes are sore as a way of dealing with my struggles, instead of taking a knife to my skin and cutting myself.

It’s very rare that I’ve let others see me cry and it will continue to be a rarity, as I don’t want to give others the satisfaction, but I do want to work on letting my guard down and letting my feelings come naturally, especially for when that guy I love comes along. Like I always say though, I’m still a work in progress.

It feels like I’m slowly fading away and dying inside. Although I have a desire to live and push forward in all my endeavours, there is no more fight left.

Over time, I’ve felt myself getting weaker and weaker, relying on God to give me all of the strength I need to get by, because I’m tired of fighting anymore.

I’m tired of living in this cold, cruel world, full of cold people. Cold people who stab you in the back, turn their backs on you, kick you when you’re down and stamp all over your heart. I’ve been exhausted by the constant lies, mind games and two-faced behaviour, resulting in me not knowing who to trust.

Guys continue to show that they’re the same, over and over again, with their false words, false personalities and manipulations. When I consider letting any guy in, they somehow show their true colours and make me feel stupid, taking me right back to square one.

I want to be able to not only let guys in, but let people in, especially if I want to get married in the near future. However, people make that extremely difficult and the barriers that started to break down are being built back up, only this time they are twice as thick.

I’m sick of taking one step forward and then ten steps back, after another run-in with someone who professed to be my friend. My heart is still hurting after the loss of a close friendship and it feels like it has been broken into a million pieces after other events.

I am a mess who wants to be fixed, but I know that is going to be tough process and only God has the ability to fix me completely. I just wish that I could be better than this and make God proud by being the positive, happy person that I should be and that He wants me to be.

Maybe the fight will return to me sometime soon, but for now, I’m tired.

The first Sabbath of 2015 came to an end a few hours ago, and I can sit back and say that it was a really lovely day. I was blessed by the service and I enjoyed the fellowship with the church family that I love so much. Seeing faces that I hadn’t seen in a long time was definitely a highlight for me.

It was funny, because I’ve been struggling recently and trying to get my motivation back, but it was like going to church seemed to revitalise me. I felt happier, fresher and ready to go this year. The people around me believe in me and being in God’s house just seemed to remind me that I can go out and do what I need to do.

I love going to church and I love the Sabbath day. My beliefs find a way to bring me joy and I intend to take my relationship with God even further this year.

I have wanted to get baptised for over a year now and I started Bible study in 2014, in order to get prepared for baptism. However, there is something that just keeps holding me back. I am hoping that I can figure this out and move forward, because I want to stop delaying and give my life fully to Christ.

I also want to spend more time in regular conversation with God, because He always finds a way to get through to me and it is important for me to hear His voice. Speaking to Him did so much for me not only last year, but in the previous years of my life.

My relationship with God means the world to me and putting Him first makes the things in my life fall into place. It is not always an easy road, but I know that He has great things in store for me and that He will reward me for staying faithful.

My God is the only person that has got me through many of the dark periods of my life and I know that He will get me through this year, because it is going to involve a lot of hard graft. When I’m weak, that’s when He is strong, and as long as I trust Him, I know that He will come through for me.