Friday, November 9, 2012

In working with lots of couples in which one partner is on
the spectrum, I cannot help but notice that many Aspies are coupled with highly
relational people. Perhaps this seems a
common phenomenon – opposites do attract, after all. But in these cases, partners seem more than
just “opposites”.

Partners of people on the spectrum often are more than just
social – they’re often socially gifted.
These people can make friends with strangers in the checkout line, start
up random conversations with people with seemingly no effort. They’re often good with language – very good
– and the path from their brain to their mouth seems short and straight (no
pausing to find the perfect word, no searching for how to articulate a
feeling). When they’re angry, these
partners are often even more articulate than usual – so quick with words that
the Aspie cannot drum up a response before the partner is on to the next point.

I often refer to these non-Aspie partners as 98 Percenters. These individuals are willing and able to do 98% of the work required to connect to another person. Of course there are exceptions, but I find
that the idea applies often. So, who is
the 98 Percenter?

Often extroverted, or a socially extroverted introvert

Can be emotionally labile – shifting and reactive moods

Socially adept – can fit in with many different kinds of
people

Highly communicative of emotional states

Can seem very angry one minute, then pick up the ringing
phone and seem cheery

Knows how to make people feel good

Often skilled with remembering details about people’s lives

Highly sensitive to others’ perceptions and judgments

Quick to anger

Prone to anxiety and/or depression

Excellent at chit chat
(though s/he may not like it)

Often interested in social justice (animal rights, etc)

It’s interesting that in sessions this highly communicative
partner is often the person who answers my questions. Sometimes they serve as a kind of bridge for
the Aspie partner. If I ask the Aspie
partner a question that requires emotional analysis, s/he will often look to the partner to answer
it. Of course this does make sense –
it’s much more efficient, and the partner will be (perhaps) better at
articulating the answer. The truth is, the
Aspie partner is just fine with answering – but allowing himself enough time to answer accurately would cause
the conversation to lose its rhythm – and in general, this is a social no-no.

The 98 Percenter is often the kind of person who will “put
herself out there” – risking rejection for the chance of connection. S/he might reveal more about details Aspies
consider to be personal (and therefore private) to casual friends. The 98
Percenter can be good at establishing what looks like instant intimacy. I often hear from clients that “the party
starts when she walks into the room”, or that people seem drawn to her. It’s a sometimes dazzling level of attunement
– the 98 Percenter can chit chat away while constantly monitoring how she’s
being perceived and how others are feeling and perceiving. That’s a lot of complexity, and it sure comes
in handy. However, when you’re 98%
exposed, lots of things are revealed – including feelings like anger and
resentment. The Aspie partner
experiences the lion’s share of this, and cannot usually understand why.

Sometimes this level of output comes at a price, and the 98
Percenter is exhausted after interacting – sometimes s/he has a hard time
interacting at 50%. In fact, if s/he’s
not up to it, s/he may isolate until s/he can interact at her comfortable 98%.

Being a 98 Percenter sometimes means the individual is
willing to do 98% of the work to connect to someone. If there is an emotional space between two
people, this person will just about fill it in order to connect – with
emotional availability. This works great
for Aspie partners, in general, who seem less interested in letting it all hang
out there – actually most of my Aspie clients seem more comfortable providing
2% - but an often pretty perfect 2%. It
seems like it should be a great system – because between the 98 Percenter and the
complementary 2%, the whole emotional space should be filled, and partners
should be able to feel connection. But
there’s a problem.

After a while, the 98 Percenter reports feeling tired and
resentful. What worked beautifully at
first becomes mundane, then unsustainable.
As the 98 Percenter expresses relationship fatigue, then frustration,
then desperation, the Aspie’s 2% seems unchanged. This confounds, then enrages the 98
Percenter, who has felt willing to do so much work for so long, and is now
looking for a little payback.

My opinion is that most of my Aspie clients are not
unwilling to offer more than 2% emotional availability. Under the surface they’re already offering
more. Most truly seem unschooled as to
how to offer more (or in what form), and cannot tolerate much rejection. S/he needs help understanding how and what
and when to offer connection, and needs a recipe for success.

In typical relationships the percentages of emotional
connection offered by partners differ, of course – but they do tend to wax and
wane. With Aspie relationships there’s
less flexibility – but under the surface there’s also less variability on the
part of the Aspie. We can’t always
strive to be a 50/50 relationship, but we can certainly find ways to limber up
the system. And we do.

If you consider yourself to be a 98 Percenter, I really
encourage you to think about how this ratio works (or worked) for you, and
why. Remember that it can translate to
98% of the emotional control and 98% of the emotional competence. Finding ways to help your partner experiment
with offering up more means you’ll need to give up some of that control and accept
what is offered, as your Aspie partner experiments with the very scary process
of revealing an imperfect self.

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