50 Ways not to Leave Your ADHD Lover

Many of us grew up with Paul Simon’s song, but what about ways NOT to leave your lover? ADHD relationships can be tough. It’s worth taking the time to make this list…and I encourage you all to add your ideas!

Schedule time to be together romantically. Forget about spontaneity. ADHD distraction combined with the crush of modern life means at least some romance needs to be scheduled to keep you connected.

Get educated about ADHD. The more you know about it, the better you’ll do.

Take medication if you can. Until something better comes up it is still the baseline support for optimizing treatment.

Adopt the mantra “pills don’t teach skills.” The rubber hits the road for your relationship in your behaviors, not just changes in your symptoms.

Learn about “the ADHD Effect.” There are predictable patterns that ADHD symptoms encourage in your relationship. To know them is to be able to fight them!

Separate ADHD symptoms from the person with the ADHD. The symptoms can be hard, but they are manageable. Once symptoms are managed, the person with the ADHD—that wonderful being you fell in love with in the first place—can shine through again.

Separate the responses to ADHD symptoms from the non-ADHD partner. Particularly if the two of you didn't know about ADHD, the non-ADHD partner may be angry, disrespectful or hopeless. These are common responses that can be turned around into loving actions again with the right approach to managing ADHD in your relationship. Really, you didn’t marry a nag!

Treat your partner with respect. Sounds basic, but next time you’re picking on your partner or throwing things in anger, revisit this point.

Be constructive with your anger. All couples argue, but there are “good fights” and bad. Insulting your partner always puts you in the second category. Read some of John Gottman’s work if you want to learn more about “good fights.”

Go rollerblading together…or do something else that is challenging and new for the two of you. Research suggests incorporating challenging and new activities is one of the fastest ways to reconnect.

Travel together. What could be more “challenging and new” than going to a foreign place together? Plus, you get to get away from the pressure of the chores waiting for you at home!

Have sex, even if you aren’t really in the mood. Most often it will help connect you.

Take walks to talk. The physical activity helps calm the ADHD mind and provide focus. The time together without distractions aids the conversational flow. Plus, the fresh air is great!

Don’t try to change your ADHD partner into a non-ADHD partner. It doesn’t work that way.

Don’t assume “non-ADHD” is superior. It typically is more organized, but when was the last time you thought “I think I’ll fall in love with this person because they are so organized?!” There is much more to life than getting from A to B in a straight line.

Learn to work around and with ADHD, rather than against it. ADHD doesn’t get cured, it only gets managed. Your job is to make it unimportant, not to eradicate it.

Give up preconceptions. If you are a woman who thinks your ADHD man should schedule all the dates, you may wish to give up on this idea.

Take addictive behaviors seriously. Some with ADHD have alcohol or drug abuse issues. Don’t ignore these.

Set up a sleep routine. The chronic sleep deprivation suffered by most of us does nothing to help your patience…or your relationship. For those with ADHD it worsens symptoms.

If you have different internal clocks, set up “sacred bedtime.” This means both go to the bedroom at the time of the earlier sleeper. Share time together, sexual or not. Then the later-to-bed person can decide whether or not to get up again when the lights go out. But at least you’ll have had some quiet time together.

Consult a sleep center if the ADHD partner continues to have sleep issues. There is a high incidence of sleep apnea in those with ADHD. Addressing this can make a HUGE difference in energy levels and the reduction of ADHD symptoms.

Cuddle frequently. Sometimes I suggest couples set an alarm for first thing in the morning non-sexual cuddle time. It’s a great way to start the day!

Don't be shy about notes. If you’re trying to learn something new, leave reminder notes in obvious places. This is particularly useful for those with ADHD who might easily forget. Notes are also a great way to sneak in an "I love you!"

Get used to the “now and not now” time zones that those with ADHD live in. If it’s not in the “now” it’s in the “not now” and that means out of mind. The way to get something done if you have ADHD is typically to bring it into the “now” at the right time. Alarms and lists can help.

Smile. Just because you can.

Set a structure to your bill paying and savings plan to make sure you don’t run into financial trouble. Financial problems are more likely to happen to those with ADHD than those without. Lack of structure is one issue.

Offer to drive if you don’t like the way your ADHD partner drives (too fast, too distractedly, etc.) Sweeten the deal by offering to let your partner text or read on their phone while you drive.

Have weekly meetings to coordinate your efforts around household projects. This might feel like a drag, but it helps eradicate many misunderstandings around chores. Make sure you are coordinating your efforts and priorities, rather than delegating.

Remember transition time when getting ready to leave on time. Many with ADHD have difficulty with transitions – both in terms of disengaging from one activity to start another, and in anticipating how long a transition might take.

Learn how to set up verbal cues. They are a great way to stop a conversation that is about to escalate out of control.

Don’t assume your future will look like your past. Learning how to manage ADHD—and non-ADHD responses to ADHD symptoms—really can change your life for the better.

Forgive yourself. There is probably a lot of muck in your past together—often this comes before a couple knows about ADHD. You did the best you could do without knowing about the “ADHD Effect.” Learn what you need to know and move on.

Forgive your partner. He or she did they best they could do, too.

Dream together and set a future vision. Managing ADHD and responses to ADHD takes a lot of effort. Dreaming together about where you want your relationship to go is one way to stay positive and keep the important stuff top of mind.

Create a quiet place. Non-ADHD partners who sometimes feel overwhelmed by the chaotic elements of living with someone with ADHD do better when they have a place to retreat to once in a while. That can be a room at home, or somewhere outside such as a library.

Learn to count to 3 (or 10!). One of the key issues for those with ADHD is impulse control. Rather than blurt something out or respond in anger without thought, teach yourself to take a few moments to consider your response. Two small tricks for doing this are counting before responding, or sucking on a lozenge that you must move in your mouth before speaking.

Ditto for non-ADHD partners—counting is good. It’s better to proactively take the time to respond to ADHD symptomatic behaviors with patience and empathy than to fly off the cuff in frustration.

Don’t manage your partner’s medications – unless asked to monitor responses to medication changes. It is the ADHD partner’s responsibility to remember to take medications and to work with his or her doctor to optimize brand and dose. Non-ADHD partners really can help, though, in tracking differences when new meds or doses are first tried. That extra set of eyes can be useful!

Acknowledge that those with ADHD frequently get distracted in conversations. Set up a simple cue, such as “I just got distracted, can you say that again?” that allows the ADHD partner to fully participate in the conversation without having to “guess” at what he or she missed.

Allow yourselves to grieve if you’ve had a rough past together or your relationship isn't what you expected. It IS sad that your past was so hard. But isn’t it great that you now have the tools to create a better, loving future?

Learn to appreciate the present. Look, every day, for the positive things that have happened to you and spend a little time being thankful for them. There is a huge body of research that demonstrates that this really helps! Focusing on the present will also bring non-ADHD partners more in line with their ADHD partners, who tend to live in the present in any case.

Validate your partner whenever you can. This doesn’t mean agree with him or her (though you can!) This means verbally acknowledging that he or she has the right to their own opinions and you hear them.

Listen actively and ask questions. The partners in “mixed” relationships of one ADHD and one non-ADHD partner are quite different from each other. Chances are, your underlying assumptions about life are more different than you realize.

Understand you won’t always understand. You are, in fact, SO different that there are things about how your partner approaches life that you will NEVER really understand. That’s okay.

Let yourself go with the flow. Flexibility is a critical trait when you are in a relationship with a person with ADHD. (I bet you know this already!)

If you have ADHD, accept that organization is important. People with ADHD often do things spontaneously, as much in response to their ADHD symptoms as anything else. That means they may discredit a non-ADHD partner’s need for more planning. Don’t. Planning really can help you, even if it feels foreign or constricting. Figure out where planning will help your relationship most, then embrace it and participate.

Never stop learning about ADHD. There is new information about treatment and how to make your relationship healthy and happy coming out every week. Stay informed at websites such as www.adhdmarriage.com and www.additudemag.com and through category research overviews such as Russell Barkley’s excellent ADHD Report (Guilford Press).

I have ADHD. I take medication, eat a good diet when possible, as well as supplemebts.
We should not date/marry or have children. Considering the chaos of our own individual lives, adding more people to the mix only multiplies both work and chaos. Our marriages are vastly more likely to end in costly & traumatic divorce; it is an institution we are not meant for. And if we can barely manage our own lives, why multiply our stresses even more with kids?

It sounds as if you have enough trouble organizing your life that you've decided that staying single is a good idea for you. It's terrific that you know yourself that well. However, to extrapolate from your own solution (stay single) to the broader ADHD population is a mistake.

People who have ADHD are far more than just their ADHD symptoms, and therefore have a great deal more than just their ADHD to offer a partner and family. Further, ADHD is one of the most manageable mental health issues out there. In my experience, relationships are most likely to suffer when partners either don't know about ADHD or the ADHD is undermanaged. But many - even those who have struggled terribly in their relationships - can find great joy in their family life and marriages once partners have the right tools.

If your life is horribly chaotic, even with medication, please make sure that the dosage you get is optimized (you can almost double the effectiveness of some meds when you carefully select the right dose) and consider coaching or some other sort of behavioral training. This can help you put some external structures in place to make your life a bit easier. Further, make sure that you are getting good sleep (sleep deprivation makes ADHD symptoms far worse) and lots of exercise.

People with ADHD have a very high divorce rate. Much higher rates of alcoholism, drug addiction, incarceration, incompleted education, under— and unemployment...and just cause it's a downer doesn't mean it isn't true.
Relationships require both partners to be equalals, not for one to become a "parent" of the other—which usually happens.
ADHD is not a gift. It does not have positive atyributes. It is hell, and and a curse to live with.

Just because you have made the decision to be alone does not make it right for everyone. It is generalizing; what you are saying does not apply to everyone. I am the non-ADHDer in my relationship and there is definitely work and patience involved in sustaining the relationship. But that is the truth with every relationship. Everybody deserves love and companionship. And I truly believe there are positive attributes to ADHD. I love how active we are as a couple. I love that we are always trying new experiences. He is very thoughtful, because of the ADHD he lives in his head sometimes and over thinks things, but because of that he is protective and prepared. He is the greatest dad and I think the ADHD helps. not hinders, his parenting. ADHD, just like many other conditions, can be dealt with and controlled. It doesn't have to control your life.

I've been with my guy 4 years. I have so many dramatic, nearly unbelievable horror stories of his impulsive behavior, including anger, it would fill pages of its own blog in itself. (Seriously, who gets themselves beaten up TWICE by the host at a fancy wedding?) I finally told him to leave.

It's the flash-point, impulsive anger, blaming/projection, lying, and gas lighting that really cause the most damage. If he were just forgetful and late I could deal with it, But the immature, jackass coping mechanisms he prefers to camouflage his underlying ADHD sabotage any progress that I've tried, using books or cognitive behavioral techniques.

Counseling? Forget even learning to "communicate" - Even though he begged for counseling (after I told him to GFTO when he threatened to "beat the crap out of [me], if [I] were a man",) - he lied straight through it - from first to last. Gaslighting, projection, the works.

Then he said he never wanted to be married to begin with! 4 years into dating and an engagement, and this was the first I'd heard of it - though the sexual, financial and organizational/priorities sabotage started from almost day one. He'd regularly offer his heartfelt intentions "to be a better man" for me - and then fall into the same old cr*p.

Chronic lateness, unemployment/underemployment, temper/anger issues, drug, alcohol, and porn issues, extreme forgetfulness, lack of empathy, borderline mega-clutter, over-scheduling his time, lack of sleep... constant and varied stimulation as much as possible. Grooming a long line of enablers, both local and long-distance, for when he might travel - typically women who were crazy about him - he admitted preferring women with low self esteem!

Does this sound evil yet? Manipulative? All of these horrible coping mechanisms are just different kinds of camouflage for his ADHD problem - which he refuses to treat.

Untreated ADHD turns relatively harmless people into raging narcissistic sociopaths. And the people around them get the fallout - collateral damage. It's horrible.

Knowing he has it made it easier to forgive some of this stuff, but at a certain point, when they deny diagnosis and treatment and just continue to abuse (and even threaten) you - you just have to get them out of your life.

Your story is a sad one, and your partner is clearly not meeting your needs (or his own, it seems). ADHD can be a reason for past behaviors, but should not be an excuse for continuing them into the future...or for becoming an enabler to truly abysmal behavior.

I hope that understanding that ADHD is playing a role will help you forgive yourself and him for the poor interactions you've had together, and move forward in a way that is healthy for you.

Yes - I made sure he would NOT mold me into an enabler, and trust me, he tried continually, using any charm he could conjure to get me to do the "parenting"... he even studied how to use and manipulate women to meet his every need! To his shock, I even completely stopped taking care of him medically during his recent bout of painful diverticulitis, which he brought on himself by ignoring his diet (again.) Just DONE.

I thank god I figured this all out and didn't neglect myself; I stayed in shape, stayed working, stayed informed, tried to keep my outside friendships and interests up... I stayed cheerful for *myself*.

But I investigated everything and tried everything to help him/us, gave him every opportunity: from ADD books and Cognitive Behavior therapy, going to therapy myself (I'd already had extensive therapy, really great CBT); checking in with my response (there became NO "correct" way to interact with him - it became complete eggshell territory - he'd go off on a dime - I called it Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde); ... resisting "taking care" of/enabling him; turning him on to a subsidized therapist to see on his own (after couples therapy failed due to his complete lying/manipulation); meds - which he liked, but only used them to help him cram for every new band he joined, so he could learn songs and play when he was (surprise) sleep-deprived from cramming his daily schedule and cat-napping in front of the TV, or with headphone glued to his head... oh yeah, the sleep disorder...he slept maybe 4 hours a night, hoping to "catch up" on the weekends, which pretty much destroyed any weekend recreating.

The only times he responded at all was when I told him to leave - then backslidng (surprise!)

I'm just posting this so that people with extreme ADHD partners can recognize that some of these people will have developed strong habits of coping by using people - especially their partner - to avoid dealing with their own ADHD.

Sometimes you can be the most amazing person, and try everything on that list of 50 things - (including backing off) - and nothing will work - you'll just get played. Be forewarned, and refuse to be an enabler - otherwise you'll be the one who pays for that, in your own wasted life.

I think I became enabler, too. Until I realized his behaviors are too much. Especially the impulsive, doing things without thinking of consequences, that ruined my trust for him. Founding out about his ADD did make me think of second chance. But if he won't do anything, but rely on himself belief he can be better without professional help, then we're just gonna be the same over and over again, and maybe his temper will escalate, and will cause harm to us. And his enablers, his family, are not helping either. So the more he gets support, the more he thinks he don't need help.

After 7+ years of marriage, I just found out about my husband's ADD. He was diagnosed 9 years ago, with depression. Anxiety, recently. Too late to " understand ", when damages are done and too much hurt, especially emotionally. When you are mentally tired. And you have enough. After giving him chances --- marriage counseling and seek professional help with his ADD, he wasn't really taking any medicine, nor therapy, or whatever. And he stopped the counseling and refused to be treated. Instead, talked us over while trying to suggest nicely, yelled, and said about my amateur psychology study, since I am not an expert. Just a plain housewife. I'm in the process of giving up, what is the use of hoping if none in his part to be better, done hearing his " I'll try to be better. " He only gets worse to the point me and his kids are living in an unsafe/unhealthy environment.

False. This is entitlement thinking—no one "deserves" love or companionship. Believing so makes a great many people miserable and very selfish. Letting go of this false belief is a huge step towards maturity and understanding the world doesn't "owe" you.

I have just found these online. I am copying them for my husband, the non-ADHD sufferer. We have had a rocky marriage, which I have just (in the past year... I am 62), discovered is affected by my ADHD. (Our 32 year old son is a "classic" case as well, which made me look at myself!!)

I have done a LOT of reading on ADHD and am working on my symptoms. My husband has not done much reading, but thinks he is an authority, and that he understands me.... He has a bit of a superior attitude, and does a lot of eye rolling when it comes to me and our son, who lives with us....

There are a lot of good resources for finding out about ADHD - on the topic of how ADHD impacts relationships (and why your husband needs to stop eye rolling!) consider my book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage. For getting more organized, pick up Kohlberg & Nadeau's ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life. For general information about ADHD both Delivered from Distraction and Taking Charge of Adult ADHD are good resources.

It must be hard for you to deal with your husband's "superior attitude" - and folks without ADHD often assume non-ADHD is superior. I like to think of it as different, instead. We are what each of us brings to the relationship - you are far from perfect (we all are) but at least you are aware and looking for answers. Right now your husband is contributing some pretty negative stuff to the relationship (did you know that eye rolling is correlated with increased risk of divorce? It's pretty dismissive)...perhaps a little more introspection on his part would help him see that he has ways to improve what he brings to the relationship, as well. Which is not to discount the issues that ADHD contributes...only to say that there are few relationship issues that are one-sided.

Wow. It means a lot to me that you answered so quickly! My husband is a brilliant person and lives mostly in his head.... he finds emotional intimacy difficult, (I'm making excuses for him here....) I keep looking for ways to educate him about ADHD.
I read your book The ADHD effect on Marriage, which is an AMAZING resource!! It was SO comforting to me to read it. I read it a few times and also downloaded it so I could listen to it on my commute. I gave it to my husband to read, hoping it would start a discussion. I think it made things worse. I came home and he was shaking, and white, obviously totally traumatized by it. (He was/may still be, depressed at the time). I have also read all those other books and one mentioned in the Marriage one, about How to Improve your Marriage without Talking About It... an amazing resource also.
I was/am so traumatized myself by living with undiagnosed ADHD till now....that I can't/don't, stick up for myself!!!) I am doing all the right things to deal with this. (Taking Vyvanse, exercising every day, eating properly, fish oil, a coach, etc).

As is often the case, I went for testing after I, (myself), figured out that our son, (32), who we have had SO much difficulty raising, and has caused huge difficulties in our marriage...and who is off the charts brilliant...has ADHD. I was hoping that MY openness and admission of MY part in our marriage difficulties would help. Instead, it has given him a weapon, (of sorts)... Our son, (who lives with us by the way), sees this himself and gets angry. He refuses to address his ADHD stuff!!!!!
(I try to stay out of that...it is difficult).
Can you suggest some ways I can educate my husband? I thought of doing the couples therapy that you offer, but we have done SOOOOOO much BAD therapy, (not taking ADHD into account), that he is sick of it. There are also woefully few therapists who understand ADHD.
I was going to take that 50 Ways article, which I printed out and highlight the numbers that are pertinent to us. (respect and equality being two!!)
Anyway, it is nice to know that someone is listening.
G.

It's hard to "educate" another about a difficult topic such as how they might be contributing to marital issues. I suspect that this is why your husband found reading my book hard - confronting that you can't just blame the ADHD can be a shock. Highlighting the article (presumably to tell him what he could do better, but I may have interpreted your thinking incorrectly) may not be well received.

The best immediate response is for you to continue on the track you are going down - learning about ADHD and, importantly, improving your ability to manage your own symptoms. Make sure to optimize your treatment across all three legs (see my book) and MEASURE your progress. When you are able to be more consistent, be more on time, manage your anger better - or do whatever it is that you set as your goals for being a better partner - it will be much easier to go to your husband and son. At that point you'll be able to say "this approach has helped me so much - here is how. You can see that I've benefited, and now I'm asking you to consider taking a second look at joining my progress." That's a positive approach that is more likely to be considered.

When he is ready, I do offer a very good multi-session couples seminar by conference call. It is designed to be taken by both members of the couple to learn how to address their mutual contributions to marital problems and has helped many couples move in a better direction. The 'live' version is particularly helpful because in it you hear the questions of other couples with the same issues. It helps couples understand that they aren't alone, and the issues stem from symptom expression and responses to that rather than from being married to a bad person. Maybe your husband would consider it, since it's less of a commitment to stay at home and listen to lectures and Q&As than to go see a therapist, but I'm guessing you should give him some time before suggesting it. In the meantime, as I suggest, you should focus on you...Hope this helps!

I have been married for almost 15 years and for the last 6 years we have really been struggling. I have only stayed for the kids and my son who also has many issues. Over a year ago our son who is now 7 was diagnosed with ADHD. We both knew without saying it, even the doctors pegged it by meeting my husband that it was coming from him. Typically,the way things have worked in our marriage the last six years is that nothing is really done until I am completely miserable and want out. He is now finely looking into getting an official diagnosis and medication, which is good. But for me I think it may be too late. I am a successful teacher who manages her work life and home life for the most part pretty good. However, as far as an emotional connection with each other we do not really have one. I am not sure where to go from here and have started reading your book. I am not sure I have the energy or drive left to go through the hurt and anger I have experienced. I know it is going to take a lot on my part to move forward, but every time we have tried we have failed. I have respect for him as a man and a father, but I do not love him. I feel lost. At least because of your book and blog I do not feel alone. Thanks for reading this, I have never written about this before, but I am not sure where to go from here.

From your description of yourself, I would also suggest you consider reading Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty to see if you glean ideas from it (I bet you will). In addition, my couples course may be a good resource, since you would take it together and it would help provide you both with some ideas and structure. You can find more info on my website - www.adhdmarriage.com

You may wish to try to detach yourself from how your partner is doing managing ADHD right at the moment - give him some space to try to get things in order now that he is starting treatment. That way you won't be hurt again when he struggles, which he is bound to for a while as he gets going.

I have been married for 13 years to a wonderful woman. We have always known she was a little disorganized and had a issue with procrastination. Parents of two busy children and both working full time we balanced each other and got things done.

In the last few years we took on the care of several elderly family members who all eventually died. The last was last year when our roller coaster seemed to loose control. Everyday became "overwhelming" for her.

My wife was turning 40 and was not handling this very well. The routine everyday became anything but routine. Started forgetting to pick up or feed kids. Things like kids homework became overwhelming. She began missing school emails and lost interest activities.

She began drinking a lot. Mood swings and seeming to forget everything. She came up with the theory she was an introvert. I became the "bad guy" and she found everything about our relationship to be negative. But she also disconnected from her friends, refused to celebrate her birthday and starting having problems at work. Overwhelmed and guilty seemed to be the only thing she felt.

I have spent the last year in counselling trying to understand what happened to my loving wife. Most people always viewed us as a good family who worked together and were very happy. She decided to move out and did not even want to try. She refused to seek counselling herself saying she had no issues. I'm fine!

She is always wanting to spend time at home with us and we welcome her. But started to be overwhelmed by having to decorate or make her own decisions finally asked for my help.

Recently counselor recommended to read the book "Odd One Out" about adult with ADD. We both connected with it and we both believe our son may also have ADD. Things started to make sense. Unfortunately not before she got fired. Depression runs in her family. She also struggling with weight, thyroid and other things like diabetes.

She has finally stop blaming me for everything and admitting she is trying to figure herself out. Still won't go to counselling and I am running out of energy. Kids running out of patience and I'm tired of making excuses for her. Can't force her to get help and can't stand by watch her fall apart. No where to run.

My BF and I had been a part of your online seminar earlier this year, and you have kindly emailed me personally a time or two in response to my questions, which I have sooo appreciated!

We both have ADHD, and his diagnosis is much newer than mine. He's been living in a bit of denial regarding how his under-managed ADHD has been affecting our relationship. We've been together 3 years now, broken up many times, and did so again most recently 2 weeks ago. This was the first break up when I did not go back to him after a few days, missing all the good in him, and I think it really woke him up to what losing me would mean to him.

We've been talking recently and he has already been contacting therapists HIMSELF, to help with his own problems and for couples counseling.

I am both encouraged about this, and also, very scared. What if things go back once he feels secure about us...AGAIN???

So I wanted to tell you how happy I was to find this post. I don't want to leave him. We have SO much good together, but the bad is unacceptable, and I want so much to believe that there IS hope for REAL CHANGE.

Living with, or having a close relationship with, an adult who struggles with ADHD is emotionally draining.

It is a never ending drama of arguing, explosive outbursts, demanding, and intrusive, behaviors. It could be one of the most difficult disorders to deal with on a consistent basis. Sticky notes placed everywhere by the ADHDer like "don't forget to flush the toilet" is a constant reminder of how disordered that persons world actually is.

In a close relationship getting drawn into the emotional side of things is almost unavoidable. To maintain sanity it takes an almost zen like detachment to be able to deal with someone who suffers with this. In a worst case after being so worn out by the turbulent behaviors ending the relationship is also an option, and especially if that person refuses to admit that their behaviors are harming to others, and no change (medications or otherwise) are at all needed.

After a long time, much consideration, and making my own health a priority I did finally leave. I'm now healthier, happier, and even been able to work towards growing in compassion for people with ADHD. It's a lonely life that these people live, but it can also be a living hell for others who spend it with that person.

in the beginning of my relationship with my ADHD boyfriend things were fine and then they got a little....rocky.
I dont wanna go over our entire past because well I'll be here forever. the main issue now? we've been together going on seven months. we took a break because we felt we needed it. to the extent of living together to not living together. not that that was a big deal because we both had our own place as it is but I was always at his place and rarely mine. when we took out break it was difficult. I talked to other guys. and he just got into porn...again. our main issue though is his lying. he lies about the dumbest things. oh and he hides things from me too. like last night I found out he had been talking to some girl he met in a chat room but both of them claim neither flirted with the other. when we took out break we at one point for a day or half a day if that broke up like legit were single. he told this friend of his he has been talking to who used to like him that I personally felt a red flag before because of that and again neither flirted with the other. and this was where he was also hiding the porn. that app called kik. he was in a porn group where they sent videos of just random people back and forth. and he said he was ashamed to tell me. I'm to the point where I dont care if he watches porn so long as it doesn't affect our sex life.
I have given him the opportunity to end our relationship by me offering to leave him and he says no I love you and I need you my life is so much better with you.
I don't see him going out and physically cheating. He's too busy with college for one. that I know and the adhd doesn't help he's also dyslexic too and a theater major which means he's in a show it directing one. his car is also messed up and dies randomly. this is a fact I've been in his car when it's done that. all the girls from the past who would flirt were all online. long distance. and he's even said over and over I cannot do long distance. he's like me in that sense. he needs that physical attention you know? like I need you here thing. in the same way . one of the girls who used to flirt with him when we first got together well they tried dating before we met and he said it didn't work because the distance. am I worried he'll leave me for someone else? I would say now I don't know because I kind of dont but he stayed with me when he found out I had HPV. and mine is low grade but I know he's worried just the same. he was with me during my med withdrawal while my insurance was switched around and I got new doctors (I'm also mentally ill anxiety depression BPD) and took care of me hell he still does. he will hold me while I have an anxiety attack and if I've not taken my meds since I'm bad about that he asks me if I did and then goes and gets them. he also was with me when my grandma passed. my mom tells me she thinks he's not gonna cheat and so has my counselor. and he's gone to counseling sessions with me to work on us because I know with two mentally ill people it won't be easy. at all. he also says he sometimes hides things from me because I'm prone to getting mad and yelling but sometimes I'm not even mad and he thinks I am....
is the relationship worth salvaging like at all?