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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I Thank God For You

Last summer my heart broke in ways I didn't know possible. I heard of our adoption agency's bankruptcy through facebook. I threw up all over our bed spread, and when I looked in the mirror I was grey. Head to toe grey except for the distinctive red piercing my eyes. I remember thinking this is what death looks like. We had lost our little angel. Someone we'd carried with us for 5 years had suddenly been taken. They weren't coming home.

I've never written much about my experience those first fews days. There was a hopelessness I'd never felt before. Hopeless and helpless. When I phoned our agency our worker had no further information for us. She said now was a good time to pray. We did. We prayed over the phone, I cried through most of it. It was the worst moment of my life. Telling Doug was horrible. How do you tell someone the child they have fought so hard for all these years isn't coming home? How do you tell the person you love most in this world, the fight is over. We lost. He didn't understand at first, and when he did nothing could ever prepare me for the anguish that spread across his face. We cried a lot together hand in hand, heart in heart. It was hell. It was living breathing hell.

The hard work of many resulted in the amazing resurrection of the company under new leadership. It was a miracle. I am forever grateful for all of you who worked so tirelessly. I am amazed at all of your strength. You are my heros.

I don't believe everything happens for a divine reason. I believe these were bad people and they sincerely screwed over all of us. Many people who should be parents, will not be. Many people who should still be in this with us, are not. Not everyone's marriage, or finances, or emotional reserves survived. I think of them every day. I think of the woman who posted that she would not be continuing because her husband and her were getting a divorce. Their marriage didn't survive this disaster, and it is one of many heart breaks left over in the carnage. I remember all the victims, especially those no longer part of this journey.

While I do believe in free will, I also believe God tries their best to look out for us. In the middle of all this chaos, there was a bright light. Her name was Priscilla. I don't remember when exactly we became friends but we did. She was one of the heros that helped revive this agency. She is one of the amazing people my child will hear about when we tell them of their story. She has been my confidante and touch stone, and one day my child will meet this amazing lady and learn not only how she helped save our family, but how she helped save me.

Today when we once again received an e-mail that wasn't what we wanted to hear, and I sat with tears threatening my eyes I thought "Thank God I have Cilla". While we live 4,000 miles away from one another there is something so beautiful about knowing across this country someone I know and love is right in this with me. I think this was God's way of making this more bearable and for that I am thankful. A good friend is one of the best gifts we can ask for and she's not just a good friend, she's an incredible friend. In the middle of a situation that involved the cruelest intentions of a few people, I was given the friendship of a truly kind human being. Someone who is the very definition of goodness. My life is better because she's in it, and I'm so grateful that in the middle of the darkest time in my life, God handed me such a beautiful light.