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Topic: Rude to sleep in car? (Read 23555 times)

I'm kind of on the fence here. Sure, you were tired, but so was the driver.

If you absolutely couldn't stay awake - then okay, - but otherwise I think it would be prudent to make the effort. As PPs have said - the driver could be feeling sleepier because of sleepy passengers. While the drive might not really be considered a "social occasion" - it is to some extent - at least more so than if the driver had a paying passenger who simply wanted a ride.

If it's an instance of a very long-distance drive where a driver and passenger were switching-off (on a pre-arranged agreement) that would be different.

But if the driver needs passengers awake to converse with him and keep him alert, I think everyone should take a nap. Insisting on driving but not being alert enough to be safe could be fatal. And even if it's his car, it would be fair to switch off drivers every so often so that no one driver gets too tired or hypnotized by the road.

My own background colors this for me: I was in a fatal car acident in which the driver (my sister) fell alseep, went off the road, and killed herself. The rest of us, also alseep, survived with varying injuries. It's taken years even to be OK with being a passenger, and there is only one person in the world I feel safe enough with to actually nap (and not wake up screaming everytime there is a lane change or the slightest swerve).

So, in my world, this goes way beyond etiquette. And if your friend continues to insist that you stay awake because he's awake, I'd be torn between thinking you'd be a heck of a lot tireder if you had to do the whole drive there and back by yourself, but if it's really that wearing, he should allow others a chance at the wheel while the rest nap.

It's not just that they can see you. I firmly believe (on the basis of absolutely NO scientific evidence) that sleeping people give off a sleep pheromone, and when you are around them, this pheromone, when breathed in, makes you sleepy.

The lack of ventilation in an enclosed car means an extra-intense dose of this sleep pheromone.

and of course, children give off a higher level, as do sleeping kittens and sleeping cats. So never, never, never drive at night in a car with two sleeping children.

Cats are the highest emitters. I almost went back to bed 3 times today.

The worst I've ever seen was a geriatric basset hound. One of my bosses would bring her lovely old lady dog to work, and doggie would fall asleep during department meetings, letting out this really low, rhythmic, soothing snore. Usually everyone at the meeting would start nodding off...

A lot of people here seem to be saying "I do it, so it must not be rude."

I agree with a PP that the ride home is still part of the social event, so I think its a bit off to treat it as "nap time." While I would understand if there were extraordinary circumstances, I don't thinka regular hike is one of them.

But the fact is, this driver doesn't like it. It is a bit rude to say, "I know you don't like this and I am going to do it anyway." Maybe you just shouldn't drive with him in the future.

I do think it's a tad rude, an you should make the effort to stay awake. I think you are in no way entitled to that time to sleep, and I can see why he would be aggravated if you just got into the car and fell asleep right away (the whole bus driver thing).

That said, if it cant be helped, it cant be helped, kwim?

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No, I didnít snore, because I didnít fall asleep all the way. I nodded off, dozed, whatever you want to call it. I donít think itís possible for me to fall fully asleep in a car, Iíve never been able to do that unfortunately.

The attitude of the driver (and most everyone in the car, it seemed), was that it wasnít fair or right for any of us to get to snooze while he had to drive. Sorry if I didnít make that point clear yesterday when I posted.

No, I didnít snore, because I didnít fall asleep all the way. I nodded off, dozed, whatever you want to call it. I donít think itís possible for me to fall fully asleep in a car, Iíve never been able to do that unfortunately.

The attitude of the driver (and most everyone in the car, it seemed), was that it wasnít fair or right for any of us to get to snooze while he had to drive. Sorry if I didnít make that point clear yesterday when I posted.

Given that you'd been engaged in a strenuous activity, and the group was quiet after the day out, I'm not surprised you fell asleep. Some gentle ribbing is fine, but to badger you about it, to the point of making you feel guilty is not. I'd call that rude, personally. Especially if you were so tired that you ended up falling asleep at the wheel when you drove the last half-hour home in your own vehicle! That would be a very nasty outcome that they may not have thought of. Sometimes a quick recharge sleep of 10 minutes or so is invaluable.

As an aside: I often drive long distances, living in a rural area. I have been known to pull over during a long trip, (somewhere safe, obviously) and lock the doors to have a sleep for 10-15 minutes. Beats the other option of falling asleep while trying to drive, and causing an accident.

I had a former boyfriend who would yell at me if I started to nod off in the car. If he had to stay awake, so did anyone else in the car. That was a decade ago and I still can't sleep in the passenger seat, even with Rockhubby. OTOH, Rockhubby has no problem falling dead asleep in the passenger seat and snoring at an impressive volume.

I think that since the driver made it clear he didn't appreciate you sleeping in his car, then you should stay awake. If that means asking him to stop so you can grab some caffeine (provided you don't object to it) then that's fine -- it means you are doing everything you can to accommodate his request. Apparently, the "culture" of this group says you can't sleep while someone is driving you on a trip like this as you said the rest of the group agreed with the driver that you shouldn't be sleeping. That says a lot in situations like this one.

Next time, find a way to stay awake. It may not be rude to sleep in the car at other times, but with this driver/group it is.

The fact that he insisted indicates that there were other offers/options. The fact that in addition to insisting on that in addition to insisting that OP stay awake seems to indicate a bit of controlling behavior, IMO.

I agree. I think if I were in this situation, I'd end up having to drive myself. I have a hard time staying awake in the car when I'm the passenger, but when I'm driving it's not a problem. If I had to struggle to stay awake because the driver was SS-ish enough to insist everyone stay awake, after he insisted on being the driver, I'd be pretty ticked off.

ETA: I disagree with the statements that the OP should stay awake because it's still part of the outing. Just... no. No one's talking or socializing, they're sitting there being tired. The driver isn't even asking her to stay awake for the sake of using conversation to keep alert.

« Last Edit: July 31, 2010, 07:32:46 PM by KimberlyRose »

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BettyDraper

I love to drive long distances and wouldn't mind in the slightest if one or more -- or even all -- passengers fell asleep at the end of a day of hiking. It does seem control-freakish to force a sleepy person to stay awake. What's to be gained? Someone's reluctant or begrudging or dozy conversation? The main activity -- hiking -- was over and I'd no more demand general conversation on the way home than I'd demand a sing-along on the 6 p.m. D.C.-New York shuttle.

I'd also not offer to drive a group if I didn't think I could stay awake, come what may. It seems dangerous to drive if one is really so reliant on conversation/attention from passengers to keep one from nodding off.

The fact that he insisted indicates that there were other offers/options. The fact that in addition to insisting on that in addition to insisting that OP stay awake seems to indicate a bit of controlling behavior, IMO.

I agree. I think if I were in this situation, I'd end up having to drive myself. I have a hard time staying awake in the car when I'm the passenger, but when I'm driving it's not a problem. If I had to struggle to stay awake because the driver was SS-ish enough to insist everyone stay awake, after he insisted on being the driver, I'd be pretty ticked off.

See, that's the thing though -- the OP CHOSE not to drive in this situation multiple times. The first car ride? The OP couldn't know either that s/he wasn't going to doze off or that the driver would have a problem with it. The following "few" other times this happened? S/he knew. I think it's totally rude to know the driver can't handle passengers dozing off on him/her, accept a ride from this driver, and then not do everything one can to stay awake. This is especially true in this situation where the OP admits that s/he can't even fully sleep in a car, let alone fall asleep involuntarily.

If this was a one-time occurrence it'd be a different situation altogether but the OP knew the lay of the land and chose to ignore it.

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The fact that he insisted indicates that there were other offers/options. The fact that in addition to insisting on that in addition to insisting that OP stay awake seems to indicate a bit of controlling behavior, IMO.

I agree. I think if I were in this situation, I'd end up having to drive myself. I have a hard time staying awake in the car when I'm the passenger, but when I'm driving it's not a problem. If I had to struggle to stay awake because the driver was SS-ish enough to insist everyone stay awake, after he insisted on being the driver, I'd be pretty ticked off.

See, that's the thing though -- the OP CHOSE not to drive in this situation multiple times. The first car ride? The OP couldn't know either that s/he wasn't going to doze off or that the driver would have a problem with it. The following "few" other times this happened? S/he knew. I think it's totally rude to know the driver can't handle passengers dozing off on him/her, accept a ride from this driver, and then not do everything one can to stay awake. This is especially true in this situation where the OP admits that s/he can't even fully sleep in a car, let alone fall asleep involuntarily.

If this was a one-time occurrence it'd be a different situation altogether but the OP knew the lay of the land and chose to ignore it.

I think this is the crux of the situation. First of all, we don't know that he "can't handle it" just that he demands that she not sleep.

Where does he get off insisting that others drive? He knows the lay of the land too, so to speak. He knows that the OP falls asleep in the backseat of the car. Why doesn't he allow someone else to drive so that sometimes she can sleep, other times she can drive.

It's not a hard and fast rule that you can't sleep in someone's car while they are driving unless you are the only other passenger and they need someone to help them stay asleep.

It should also be noted that the OP is not demanding anything of the driver--like that he not talk too loud or listen to music.

What's happening is that after a day's hike, she falls asleep and he jostles her awake:

"he would jokingly give me a hard time about it, jostling me awake and telling me I wasnít allowed to sleep while he had to drive us all"

But, he doesn't have to drive them all. He insists on driving them all.

And "allowed?" She's not "allowed" to fall asleep?

I would go beyond saying its rude to jostle someone awake just because you want them to be awake and say that its kind of heartless.

Who among you would really, number one, insist that you drive the group every time. And number two, if you have one friend out of 5 who falls asleep on the way home, would you really jostle them awake every time and demand that they interact with you?

I don't even see that he is asking that she interact--he's just claiming that its unfair that he has to drive and to make it more fair that she has to stay awake.

When really, what would make it more fair would be sharing the driving responsibilities and leave people alone. And if you need someone to remain awake, communicate that.