Leave a light on in the dark, maybe you'll guide somebody in. Someone to tell you who you are. Someone to carry who you've been. ~tg

Thursday, September 11, 2003

I’m going bald.Well figuratively speaking maybe.

I don’t usually remember a lot of my dreams. However this one last night was incredibly vivid. Or at least one part of it. I had a conversation with someone the other day about dream interpretations. Not something I’m into, although if I have a particularly vivid dream that doesn’t make sense to me, I’ll look it up and see if whatever it says makes sense to what I’m feeling. Strangely enough, I think this one was pretty close even if I hadn’t realized it.

I dreamed I was going bald. I pulled back my hair and had this incredibly large section where there was like no hair. You couldn’t really see it unless I pulled my hair back, and I remember thinking how strange it was. Not just strange. Eerily ugly. I mean, this very large bald spot with just the occasional little hair. Eeeee. It was something that I’d just discovered, it wasn’t something I was aware of along the way. Odd. So here’s the information that I found when looking it up. I looked up bald and then losing your hair, and they don’t really sound as if they make sense, in the different “meanings” they could have, but when I look at the two of them, they both hold fairly true right now in my life.

“Bald: To dream that you are going bald, suggests a lack of self-esteem or worries about getting older. Alternatively, baldness symbolizes humility, purity, and personal sacrifice. You are at a stage in your life where you are confident in fully exposing yourself.”

The part about lack of self-esteem and worries about getting older, might hold a little true, but it’s not something that I’m at all consumed with. No more than the average person. The part that holds the most truth there is “you are at a stage in your life where you are confident in fully exposing yourself.” That makes sense. I’ve, especially in the last several months, kind of comes to grips I guess you could say, with how different I am. And I’m ok with it. I’ve actually found it to be a blessing instead of something I was going to have to work through. While most people don’t really understand, or know how to relate to me, I find that I can relate to most anyone. And I know that God is really working on me, and on the areas He’s really calling me to develop for what’s next. Anyway, maybe I relate well, or I’m more perceptive at least because I spend so much of my time just watching people. I’m one of those people who has just as much fun going places to watch people as to actually partake in what’s going on. (Sidebar: I made the trip to get the new Harry Potter book at midnight the day it came out, partly b/c of the fact that I enjoy the books, but more so to watch the kids get excited about reading, and see who else comes out for a book release at midnight. Included in this sidebar- I’ll insert the email that I wrote to a friend, (yeah you Keith) about my adventure…

“(Note to reader: I know that by admitting things like this to you, I may appear as a bit of a nerd. However, you know me, and know in some ways, I am already particularly nerdy. So who cares.) I went to buy the new Harry Potter book. I'll be honest though that was only part of my reasoning for going. Yes, I wanted to buy the book, but more so b/c I absolutely love to see kids get excited about reading. You wouldn't believe how many people were there. I wandered around with seriously hundreds of other people. Found myself in a line to get a nametag and even some nice plastic harry potter glasses. Eventually they started forming lines to pick up your book. I then spent the next hour+ in line right in front of an 11 year old hyperactive child named Carlos. The minute we lined up, he started in, and his mom looked at me and says and I quote, "I'm sorry. He's going to bug the hell out of you." I just laughed, but wow she wasn't kidding. the next hour was spent hearing her say "carlos stop!, carlos don't break your glasses!, carlos don't climb that, the books will fall!, carlos don't hit your sister!, carlos go run around and come back!, carlos you've got to sit still! Carlos read this book!, carlos calm down!!," at one point she said, "why won't you please just calm down? these other kids are calm." at which point he replied "but they're not hyperactive." and she says, "you can't always use that as an excuse."

classic

and all of this i got b/c i tried to take my time lining up so as to not end up behind the extremely annoying girl who wouldn't leave me alone earlier. One of those people who says, "I've never waited this long for a concert even." I as well as a couple of others around me just laugh and share that connection of knowing we've all slept in cars, on sidewalks, waited a lot longer than the average person has to see a show or hear a concert.

was it worth it? you might ask yourself, and my answer is an absolute yes, from the annoying girl, to seeing carlos run like crazy across the parking lot in the dark on our way out followed by the yells of his mother "carlos you're going to get hit. You've got to stop running!" it was well worth the wait..”

sidebar end.

I love to watch people. And wow is this a complete and total derail from my baldness dream commentary, so I’ll wrap it back around there. After looking up bald and finding above (way up there) definition, I looked up losing your hair and found this:

“Losing Your Hair: You are preoccupied with aging and your appearance. Losing your hair also signifies a lack of strength and that you do not possess the power to succeed in an undertaking. You may be feeling weak and vulnerable.”

No, I’m not preoccupied by my appearance but I have felt lately a lack of strength and feeling a bit weak and vulnerable. Both of which are things that I’m not good at feeling so I’ve been trying to deal with them without making this obvious to anyone else. I’m pretty sure that anyone close to me can see that I’m failing miserably, but I’ve realized along the way it’s b/c God wants me to fail miserably. Don’t get me wrong, not fail at the things He’s called/calling me to do, but He wants me to fail at overcoming vulnerability. We have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to really love people, and right now more than anything else He just wants me to love His people. He calls us all to love certain groups, and I know who He’s called me to love. While I’m not completely sure the manner in which He’s calling me to minister to them, I know who they are. And on a much smaller scale, He’s been giving me opportunities here to minister to them. Through teaching, which is something I never thought of myself as being, and through relationships, that I’ve realized they need a great deal more than I do- if that makes sense. At the same time, God is using these friendships, and these people that He’s called me to love, to teach me an awful lot about myself. Where I fall short, and where my strengths lie. It’s a good lesson in humility, and vulnerability.

I guess to wrap things up, I’m feeling weak and vulnerable while at the same time completely confident in exposing myself. I’m a walking oxy-moron of sorts. But really, what else is new?