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For Whom The Pussy Pops: It Pops For These Twelve 2018 Movies

Vulture made a Good & Comprehensive list of 46 movies you should be excited for in 2018, and so obviously I’m about to take a sledgehammer to this perfect & sparkling Fabergé egg of a list and further cull it to a total of 12 movies I, personally, am excited for in 2018. I will do this with an accompanying pitch that will hopefully get you on my level if you aren’t already there, and for my second act, I’ll plant my fist in the face of anyone who disagrees with my judgement. Without further ado, and in no particular order:

Ocean’s 8: Single highest number of chads in a starring cast since 2006 when The West Wing ended. The pussy tingles.

Widows: Viola Davis and Michelle Rodriguez + 2 incredible actresses (who I don’t know but who I’m sure I’ll wish could raw me once I finish watching this movie) avenge their husbands’ deaths by finishing off the heist that got them poor boys killed in the first place. Never before 2018 has the golden intersection in the Venn diagram of ‘Gay Women’ and ‘Heist Movie Fanatics’ been thusly pandered to. Daniel Kaluuya’s in this as well! In what capacity, you ask? Don’t: your place is only to warmly receive him with open arms. Directed by Steve McQueen, who is truly living up to the non-prefix portion of his surname.

Mary Queen of Scots: Saoirse Ronan is once more asked to smother her Irish accent with a pillow while it slumbers, this time in favour of a Scottish one. We need to stop asking this of her. Margot Robbie stars as her geopolitical & similarly enthroned rival, Tonya Harding.

Pacific Rim Uprising: As always, the words ‘John’ and ‘Boyega’ in succession signify the clarion call to nut!

Creed II: Michael B. Jordan and Tessa Thompson are BACK to make the ol’ pussy quiver as it once did so many moons ago, for the greatest sports movie of all time: Creed. If you don’t agree then look deeper within yourself, failing which, suck my dick. Sylvester Stallone plays a grumpy & reluctantly affectionate grampa who once used to box or something? He also gives Michael & Tessa blessings to bone on his couch, like, whenever.

If Beale Street Could Talk: Barry Jenkins could reboot The Big Bang Theory & I’d watch it; however, this film is an “adaptation of the James Baldwin novel about two young lovers split apart by police corruption”. The nut is prepared to bust.

Dumplin’: I am so fucking entranced by the lead actress Danielle Macdonald who starred in Patti Cake$ (2017), a movie underappreciated to the point of actual hate crime. Premise: a plus-sized teen enters the local beauty pageant. Jennifer Aniston plays mom, a bold choice as ever for any actress who isn’t Allison Janney.

Crazy Rich Asians: Constance Wu leads an all-Asian cast in a rom-com: anyone pitching this premise to me who decides to extend beyond that single sentence is milking an empty udder. It’s what Constance deserves, surely, but i’m simultaneously going to be tapping my watch à la Judge Judy for all the titular Julia Robertesque star vehicle movies that Constance REALLY deserves, 11 to 12 of them over the next decade if ykwim.

Spiderman: Into the Spider-verse: Sony’s new animation style is to positively nut for, and Miles Morales hello?? Voiced by Shameik Moore from The Get Down AND Dope, so like, YEAH, but then like, Mahershala Ali too? YEAH YEAH YEAH.

Deadpool 2: I am like so sorry but it is what it is and you have to admire the fact that Ryan Reynolds straight up kinned with an anti-hero to bring that poignancy to his performance. Other actors may have wanted to take on Daniel Day Lewis’s mantle but Ryan swallowed that mantle like super fast and now he refuses to poop it out.

A Wrinkle In Time: (sings ‘Ava Duvernay’ to the tune of Ave Maria). Starring future American president Mindy Kaling, and scrappy, up-and-coming actress hoping to make a good impression, Oprah Gail Winfrey.

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

Roma: Directed by Alfonso Cuarón, who also made the only good Harry Potter movie.

Love, Simon: Okay, controversial BUT: the book didn’t do it for me, and the trailer looks DEAD cheesy except for the sheer genius of that 7 second “what if straight people had to come out to their parents” bit. HOWEVER, I’m not a FART, I’m sure it’ll be cute and it’s what she (the gay community) deserves.

Beautiful Boy: The two ‘e’s in Timothée Chalamet’s name represent two confirmed kills each, and so theatrical release of this movie is contingent on the police not catching up to his cold-blooded deeds.