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U.S. Census double counts Kevin Smith

WASHINGTON, DC - Still stinging from his recent expulsion off a Southwest Airlines flight due to his size, filmmaker Kevin Smith is now shocked to find out that the U.S. Census has counted him as two people.

Smith is lambasting the Census Bureau for publicly embarrassing him, saying that he had already alerted them as to his overweight frame before they began counting in his area. “I know this is Hollywood, and technically I am twice the size of Gwenyth Paltrow or Keira Knightley, so I contacted the Census to let them know I am actually one person,” he explained. The rest of his comments were impossible to understand, as he had begun eating macaroni and cheese to comfort his depression.

Smith sent out several messages about the incident via his Twitter account, including:

“If only @williamhowardtaft was still President, this country would be safe for fat people again.”

“I guess @usacensus is going to put me down as ‘half of Kevin’s girth 1’, and ‘half of Kevin’s girth 2’.”

“I think I am going to eat @marykateandashleyolsen, then they can count me as four people”