Rambling, The Ego, and Establishing My Worth

And if you’re reading this right now, I’m totally honored that you would choose to read my blog to wind down. Hope I’m entertaining :).

True to form, this post comes complete with rambling and a bunch of shit that may not make sense to you… half the time, it don’t even make sense to me. But somewhere within my ramblings and reflections I think are elements of something that could really help somebody… as well as myself.

So buckle up and strap on your crash helmet… this may get a little bumpy.

Shit I Did Last Week, Entry 11:
Rambling, The Ego, and Establishing My Own Worth

Rambling, The Ego, and Establishing My Worth

Wednesday

Starting this week off on a high note…

I feel like a total flop 🙂 . Yay!

I meant to put the finishing touches on today’s Shit I Did Last Week blog post before work at 3, but I ended up driving home from Ocean City the first half of the day and essentially passed out until I had to get ready.

Oh… and I’m overdrawn because I had that debacle with my website because I forgot to update my payment info on time. More likely it was because I forgot that my renewal was coming up this month, so I didn’t save up in preparation for it. Either way, I’m a hot mess.

I mean, it only happens once a year, so I have plenty of time to save… if I remember. But, of course, I forgot. So getting my blog back up and running put me in the hole.

To sum all of this up, by the time I got home from work today, I was too tired to do much of anything. Even though I got myself home safely from a road trip and worked a shift afterwards- hello, Adulting Skills– I don’t feel like I’ve achieved much of anything.

Although I did sing for nearly 2 hours straight on my way back and my voice is in good shape. So that’s comforting. #VocalTechnique #LittleWins !

You know the big statue of her on the front of the album with the blue Gazing Ball? Yeah, that one. That’s an actual sculpture, not just a photo. Or at least, there is a sculpture, I’m not sure if that’s what they used for the cover photo.

Anyway, in this interview, Gaga says that being in the same room with Jeff and his art- that sculpture in particular- helped to ground her as an artist.

And I get it. She describes how all day every day, people clamor over her, try to get a piece of her, send her free clothing, throw money and expensive gifts at her all day…

All of that can go to a person’s head.

Thankfully, being back in the room with art helps her remember: Ah… this is what it’s all for. This is what I’m meant to do with all of this.

In her words, she’s reminded how unimportant she is, and how important it is to keep making the art. And I like that idea.

I feel like humans take themselves WAY too seriously. We get all hung up on our jobs, our lives, our crises, all the while forgetting that no matter how famous we become, the universe doesn’t give a fuck about it.

We’re all born the same way, and we all expire and return to dust. No one person is more important simply because they get more money for what they do.

And I wonder, sometimes, if that self-importance and entitlement (and fear of losing things) is what stops our creativity and growth. Because then you’re not creating for the joy or from a need to create, but from a place of ego and vanity.

Saturday

If You’re Still Reading, Thank You.

I wanted to take this moment to thank you if you’ve read this far. I have a tendency to ramble- hence the title- and there’s no obligation for anyone on the internet to care about my thoughts or opinions.

So if you’re one of those few that does care, I appreciate you.

Anyway, tonight I have no fucking clue where my head is at. Been watching way too much Youtube (SHOCKER), probably because I’m scared of being bored.

More accurately, I don’t like the thoughts that buzz around in my head when I’m not occupied.

In between bouts of anxiety, I experience some serious existential crisis-like thoughts. The Why are we here? and Why do we try so hard? kind of thoughts.

They’re not fun.

I hate going down that road. So I anesthetize with mindless television, dumb myself down so I’m not thinking about it.

Admittedly, I also finished the Anxiety Pack in my Headspace app and don’t know which one to start next…

… actually, yes I do. But it’s hard to make choices sometimes because I don’t want to make the wrong choice.

The next pack I wanna do is the Productivity Pack. But what if I’m using ‘productivity’ to avoid addressing other issues? Am I moving too fast, trying too progress too soon, rushing to get somewhere, not knowing where Somewhere is?

Monday

I’m Babysitting Tomorrow… Oh, and Freelance Writing

Tomorrow, I will be babysitting a 2-year-old who pees a lot. It’s to be expected, though… he’s potty-training, but clearly wants NOTHING to do with it… LOL.

Besides that, I’m thinking about freelance writing to supplement my income. Went ahead and set up an about.me page to get myself started. It’s free for now, until I get a better idea of how I’ll do.

But I gotta be honest… I’m scared.

I’m scared to get my hopes up, scared of failing, but also scared of succeeding.

Ultimately, I’m doing this because I want permission to define my own value and live the life I want to live. I’m sick of always waiting for someone else to tell me what I’m worth, or that my best work doesn’t warrant compensation or reward.

I’m willing to work hard… I really am. I love busting my ass.

But not for nothing.

I’m the kind of person who likes to go the extra mile, and it’s been really discouraging to see how little that gets you nowadays, mainly when you’re working for someone else.

Maybe I’ve been giving too much of my power to things outside of myself. But I also feel like I’m always fighting, always scraping by…

It’s a mini-pack, only 10 days instead of 30. And it starts again with the ‘noting’ exercise from the last pack- where I note a thought or a feeling as it comes up, whether it’s pleasant or unpleasant, and then try to attach a name to it. Then I let it go.

But what stood out this first day was the breathing pattern. Usually, the meditation calls for a set of 10 breaths (inhale is 1, exhale is 2) to make 5 full breaths. When you finish the set of 10, you start over on another set. It’s pretty much the same with this pack, only you’re counting to 6 instead of 10. And then you’re encouraged to revisit this breathing exercise at random points during the day.

It’ll be the perfect compliment to the work I’ve done with the Anxiety Pack. I can get overwhelmed with work and life, so adding this revamped breathing exercise to my routine is really great.