'the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind'

I’m a money-flavored sucker.

I look forward to a trip to Target the way some folks might anticipate a Disney World vacation.

Okay, so that’s a slight exaggeration… But for realsies, yo: no other store I’ve visited has this effect on me.* Something – the layout of the store? The selection of items? The mind-control gas they pump through the ventilation? – reduces me to a slack-jawed, open-walleted mess when I walk through those automatic doors. I’m not usually a materialistic person, but as I roam those bullseye-ed aisles it takes very little to reveal that particular ugly streak.

Truth is, I’m quite susceptible to product-display tricks of lighting and color [see my Tervis-induced catatonia] and I’m hardly the only one. How long is the average Target trip? I’ve wondered. My local store is a ten-minute drive: not a place I pop into when I need a quick something-or-another. In other words, it’s the destination, not a side trip. I could easily spend an hour there, and thusly:Other local retailers do not hold the same sway over my bank accounts, and here’s why: My area KMart is laid out like all of someone’s earthly possessions on a front lawn: it’s almost as if they just sort of dumped everything out in the middle of the store and kind of built the aisles around where each pile ended up [the kitty litter and Pringles stand side-by-side, like some sort of sick Dr. Oz segment]. I mean, basically, our KMart is a hot mess.

[For the record, the old WalMart was the same way, only far worse. That particular piece of retail property had the feel of an unlicensed flea market. Approximately 86% of the merchandise for sale was was kept in heaping cart-loads blocking the middle of every aisle].

Anyway, for me, these KMarts and WalMarts of the world are where you visit when you’re out of lightbulbs or trashbags or any number of compound words that my spellchecker doesn’t recognize.** The untidiness, dirty floors and shitty lighting make for an overall Bad Browsing Experience. Perhaps it’s just me, but I’m just a sucker for a store with nice, clean aisles and running water in the public restroom.

So to those who are paid to conduct market research on what color floor tiles are more likely to cause a consumer to spend more money on cat toys: