Everyday life as a Domina

Tag Archives: sissy

So some of you who have taken a look at Sounder’s blog may have noticed a distinct lack of posts there.

Which may be interesting, since I told him I wanted 2 posts a week. But there is actually a reason for the silence. He’s got an issue that he needs to deal with, and until it’s dealt with, I told him not to worry about the blog. It’s not like it’s going anywhere.

Until then, you’ll just have to be satisfied with my descriptions of the mean, awful things I do to him.

Like the other night, the first time I’d seen him since the issue began. I knew I’d have to be gentle-ish with him, because reasons (yes, I’m being deliberately vague, and I’m gonna continue being deliberately vague). But that didn’t mean I couldn’t fuck his brains out.

And he definitely needed some girl time. As well as a good, long fucking. It had been too long, and the bullshit this issue has presented, as well as just the regular work stress he deals with, had really knocked him out of that sissy headspace.

I needed to knock him back into it. And I don’t have to beat him or be rough with him to make him feel like a woman.

I pulled up to his house and knocked on the door, and when he opened it, I saw that he was dressed and in full makeup. Every time I see him dressed like that, I love it just a little bit more.

He’d gotten a new blouse, and a bra, and they looked amazing on him. It was the first chance I’d gotten to see them on him in person. Sure, he’d sent pictures, he always does (I have quite the personal porn stash, it’s so awesome), but while the pictures are great, they’re nothing compared to seeing him in person.

But even with how good he looked in the shirt and bra, it’s still his jeans that I love the most. He has this pair of skinny jeans that just hug his ass in the sexiest way. I can never resist reaching into them and groping him.

So a good portion of the first hour was spent doing that. It had been too long since I’d been able to properly grope and violate him.

He didn’t like how long it had been any more than I did. When I pushed a wet finger into him, he moaned and pushed back against me, impaling himself deeper on my hand.

He didn’t even hesitate when I asked him if he wanted to be fucked like a bitch.

The poor girl definitely needed a thorough fucking.

And who was I to deny him that?

I didn’t waste any more time, taking him to the bedroom and telling him to take everything but the bra off.

He was standing there, at the foot of the bed, and I came up behind him, lubing up a finger and pushing it back inside. A moment later, I pushed a second one in, stretching him out.

He moaned and pushed back, fucking himself on my fingers, until he started having trouble keeping his balance and had to reach out to hold the wall for support.

I had him lie down on his back and slid on my strapon, kneeling between his legs and pushing them up to his chest.

I’ve been having him sleep plugged every night, but his plug is smaller than my strapon, and it had been awhile since he’d had anything that big inside him.

He gasped as I pushed it in, panting as I filled him up.

I only gave him a moment to get used to it before I started fucking him. I started out a bit slowly, but quickly sped up, fucking him hard and fast.

The way he loves being fucked.

It didn’t take long before he tensed, moaning with his first orgasm. And then his second. When I reached down and started stroking his cock, he came again almost immediately.

It was so cute how intoit he got. I mean, he always loves being fucked, and he always loves being fucked hard and fast, but you could just tell how hungry for it he was this time.

Even being on his back, with his legs in the air, he kept trying to push back against me, wanting it deeper.

I pounded my cock into him over and over again, and he came over and over again, until he was practically growling and screaming as the tension kept building over and over again, and he did everything he could to fuck himself harder on my cock.

I’d told him to count his orgasms for me, and after the tenth, I finally pulled out and gave him a break, before putting the slender prostate massager in and fucking him to another two orgasms, before his hole just got too raw for him to take any more.

We’ll definitely have to work on his stamina. When I have him gangbanged, he’ll be fucked to quite a bit more than 12 orgasms.

After that, I let him calm down a bit, then spent some time choking him, teasing him, and hurting him.

At one point, he went to get water, and he looked pretty unsteady as he got to his feet. When he came back, I asked if he was alright, and he assured me he was.

As he was literally swaying.

Part of that may have been because I’d spent so much time cutting off his air, and part of it may have been because his wig had gotten unbearably tight.

And then, of course, there were the 12 orgasms. That may make someone have trouble standing upright.

When I finally let him up to get dressed, I told him to keep the bra on. I love the way he looks with it on. It’s like he was born to wear one. And I loved reaching under it to fondle him while we sat on the couch.

So I don’t have to be rough with him to treat him like the wanton little bitch he is. And while he’s recovering from said issue, I’m going to turn my focus to his pussy, and getting him ready for the spitroast and the gangbang that are in his future.

You know what’s really funny? Scheduling a post to upload, and completely forgetting about it (including forgetting to finish it) until you see all the email notifications the next morning. I’ve been a bit scatterbrained.

In other news, I’m out of Asheville and made the trip back to the bustling metropolis of Kernersville, North Carolina (population: 24,000). But there’s reliable internet and air conditioning, and it’s reasonable to assume that, staying indoors, I’m safe from mosquitos and bugs eating me alive in the night. So now I’m playing catch-up. If you’re waiting for communication from me, I promise it’s coming. Before I go to sleep tonight.

Yesterday was intense as fuck, and by the time I made it back to civilization, my first instinct was to find a way to get myself centered and balanced again.

I don’t know if any of you are aware of this, but there’s this adorable, awesome sissy I own, who is all kinds of awesomely awesome awesomeness. From the very first text he sent me after I told him I’d finally finished with the hippies and was heading to a hotel for the night, he made me smile.

Before losing touch with technology, I’d given him an assignment. I wanted him to fuck himself, and I wanted pictures.

This isn’t a unique assignment, I often have him do it. I love the idea of something filling him up, and I’m a very visual person, and I love looking at porn. So it’s not unusual for me to want pictures of my boys. My very own personal porn stash, made just for me.

And Sounder has been fighting a cold, and wasn’t 100%, so I knew the pic(s) he sent me would be on the more mild side.

But hell, I wasn’t going to complain. He’s fucking hawt, and seeing pictures of him naked or in lingerie, with something sticking out of him, never fails to make me happy.

I asked him about the pictures, and he told me that yes, he’d taken them, and asked if I was in a safe place for them.

Which immediately caused me to raise a brow. He’d never asked that before. But I shrugged that thought off and told him that I was alone-ish (my kid was in the room with me, but she was otherwise occupied), and that he could send them.

Over the next five minutes, my phone went off 9 times. And literally, all I could do was sit there, staring at my screen, stunned, my jaw dropped. I’m pretty sure I was drooling at some point.

Like, holyfuckingshit.

No, seriously, like holy. fucking. shit.

Three different toys, one outfit change, in three different rooms of his house. Like, oh my gawd.

And every one was unbelievably fucking hot. Like, I want to get them printed and frame these fucking things.

You guys don’t understand. He even wore the bra I’d left him in one of the pictures. Two pictures of him plugged, one of him sucking his massive dildo, three of him either on all fours or on his back, fucking himself with a slender blue vibe, and three of him squatting on the floor, fucking himself with the massive dildo, that was attached to the floor with the suction cup on the end (he told me that, because of the size, it’s much easier to manage when he can attach it to something and fuck himself that way, rather than using his hand to push it in).

It was beyond hot. Like, holyfuckingshit.

He said, “I’m glad you like them, I figured you might need a distraction so I went a bit overboard.”

While he was still fighting a cold.

No seriously, I fucking love this girl.

The first picture he sent, one of the ones of him plugged, he told me he’d be comfortable with me sharing, as long as I blurred the background beyond recognition.

Yay!!!!!

I love everything about it. I love the way his back is arched, the way his ass sticks out, the way his posture accentuates his feminine curves, the way his hair (which he curled, himself) tumbles down his back, the way the plug peeks out from inside him, the contrast of the black lingerie against his pale, smooth skin (that I immediately want to bruise and mark up, as soon as I see it).

Jesus, there is nothing about this sissy that doesn’t just ooze fuckability. No one would ever kick him out of bed.

This was the first picture he sent me, and as soon as I saw it, all I could do was suck my breath in a little and murmur under my breath, “Oh, Goddamn…”

I probably could’ve been in a better mood when I arrived at Sounder’s house and knocked on his door.

He opened it, purposely staying behind it, out of sight, as I walked in. I figured he was wearing his lingerie, or maybe his wig, or something equally cute to surprise me.

When I saw him step out as he closed the door, I couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across my face as all the shit that had been clinging to me instantly just fell away. I gasped, and I think I might have even squealed. I know I squealed inside my head, I can’t remember if that was out loud or not.

He was fully dressed, head to toe, with his wig, makeup done, wearing one of his amazingly sexy outfits, a black blouse with incredibly sexy, figure-hugging, super-tight white jeans that hugged his butt in that seriously sexy way. He was even wearing his adorable, strappy sandals.

I hurried to put my things down and turned back to him, holding my hands out to him. “Come here, let me see you!”

I looked him up and down, appraising his makeup, and was wholly impressed. “You look amazing!”

“I think it’s a disaster,” he replied.

“Why?”

“This took like two hours.”

I giggled (shut up, I can giggle and still be super severe and intimidating and all that). “You’ll get faster with practice.”

And seriously, I felt like an idiot, I couldn’t look at him without smiling. And it occurred to me that I didn’t care if I looked like an idiot. Fucking hell, but he is one goddamn sexy sissy.

It didn’t take long for my lust to get the better of me, and I walked behind him, cupping his perfect, perky ass through those deliciously tight jeans and reaching further down, between his legs, to rub against the hole I was planning on annihilating later.

A moment later, I reached my hand down his pants, grabbing his ass and groping him like a horny teenage boy. It didn’t take me long to get his pants undone and down around his ankles, along with the white, lacy panties he wore underneath.

I pressed the tip of a slick finger against him, then pushed it in, a chill going down my spine at the sound of his adorable little gasp at being penetrated.

Because as good as he looked with it on, I wanted to be rough with him, and didn’t want to mess it up, or have it get in my way.

Once he was naked, I stood behind him, grabbed him around his shoulders, and yanked him back against me, completely off balance, and the way he just yielded to it was even hotter.

For a moment, I kissed and teased his ear, then turned him, without letting him regain his balance, flipping him over and lowering him down to his hands and knees. I kept it mostly mild, we were still in the living room, and he has windows. But I couldn’t resist a little slap here, or a little spank there.

I had a specific plan for him, and due to the logistics of it, we decided that his downstairs bathroom would be the place for it. I wasn’t going to do that quite yet, though, so we went to the downstairs guest room instead.

Once we were there, I buckled a sturdy leather collar around his neck, pulled out a new dildo and shoved it unceremoniously in his mouth, slapping him around a bit.

I kept it mild with the slapping though. He doesn’t dislike being slapped (and was surprisingly eager and enthusiastic about it when I first broached the subject), but I have to be careful about leaving marks on his face, and he’s prone to migraines, and causing one from hitting him too hard wasn’t all that high on my list of things to do that night.

That’s one of those things we’ll have to be super careful, and super slow, about raising the intensity. And since that wasn’t the primary focus of the night, I preferred to err on the side of caution. We’ll work on figuring out how hard I can safely slap him soon, though. Hitting him is ten kinds of fucking amazing.

And really, he was so fucking cute, gagging on the cock in his mouth, and choking when I shoved it in deep.

I was impressed, though. I figured out that, when he’s given the chance to control it, he actually has some really good deepthroating skills. There was one moment in particular when he, eager to please me, pushed forward hard against my hand, taking the cock as far as it would go, and holding it there, pushing even harder, until I felt that unique change in pressure as it slid far past the point that should’ve stimulated his gag reflex, and down his throat.

He pushed himself to take it farther, to keep it there longer, until, coughing and sputtering, he pulled back, lowering his head as he gagged.

In the next moment, he took a deep breath, lifting his head back up, his lips parted as he waited for me to push the cock back into his mouth.

He really is an excellent cocksucker when he’s given the freedom to do it on his own. When I fuck his mouth, however, he has a little bit more trouble suppressing his gag reflex.

Which is something I’m going to have a ridiculous amount of fun breaking him of. I want more than him sucking cock. I want his face thoroughly and relentlessly fucked by men who will further degrade and objectify him, reducing him to nothing but a pair of holes to take their pleasure from.

Before long, his eyes started watering, smearing his makeup in that particular way that happens when women (or sissies) are made to choke on cock. And it only made him hotter.

I was relentless with him, forcing it into his mouth, down his throat, grinning when his eyes watered and tears fell, his body convulsing as he tried hard not to throw up, and calmly and quietly enduring every slap that landed on his face.

He really is such a good boy, and he works so hard to please me. A boy that good deserves a reward.

Finally, I released him, telling him “Stay,” tossing the dildo on the bed and rummaging through my bag again, looking for something specific.

One of my favorite toys to use on any boy is a long, slender prostate massager, a kind that’s surprisingly cheap and common to find literally anywhere, which makes how effective it is even more amazing. Most people would say it’s the most basic kind of massager out there, but sometimes the most basic kind is the best kind.

I lubed it up and sat on the edge of the bed, while he knelt on all fours in front of me, his ass to me.

“This is a fantastic view,” I told him, sliding the massager smoothly into him, using the angled bulb at the end to put pressure on his prostate.

He gave a low, shuddering moan and eased back, urging the massager deeper into him. I grinned. My darling, eager slut. He loves it deep, and hard, and fast.

I kept the pressure steady, thrusting it smoothly in and out of him, until his moans intensified and I knew he’d had his first orgasm.

Oh, one of many, I thought, grinning, as I kept the pressure up, fucking him through his orgasm.

The second (or maybe the third) orgasm, he fell forward, the massager momentarily falling out of him. I didn’t hesitate, pushing it immediately back in, keeping that intensity up.

Relentlessly, I fucked him with it, as orgasm after orgasm wracked his body. More than once, he felt the carpet beneath him, expecting to feel his cum there.

But no, he cums like a girl now. Not a man.

The sounds coming from him grew increasingly desperate as he was more and more overwhelmed. And still, I didn’t stop.

After the tenth-ish (I think), I twisted the bottom of the massager, turning on the vibration. He gasped and moaned with the unexpected sensation, and his orgasms started coming faster and harder. I almost didn’t even have to move it. All I had to do was keep that vibrating bulb against his prostate.

He lowered his head, whimpering, still subconsciously moving forward, trying to get away. I just moved with him, eventually rising up off the bed and standing beside him, keeping that pressure there.

It was getting harder and harder for him to stay still, and he buried his face in the carpet, his hands gripping his ankles in what I assume was an attempt to keep from squirming away, his adorable cries getting louder, longer, and higher as he lost himself in the sensation.

I didn’t speak much during any of this, allowing him the freedom to lose himself in his head, to focus only on the pleasure rolling through him, free from distraction. And really, he gave me such a lovely show.

He wasn’t pushing back against me anymore, trying to fuck himself on whatever was inside him, like he usually did. Pinned against the wall, he couldn’t squirm any farther forward, could do nothing but whimper and whine and moan while I thoroughly, relentlessly fucked him.

Finally, after his…. Oh hell, I don’t even know. 20th, maybe?… orgasm, his body finally went slack, and he slid to the side, collapsing onto his stomach, panting and gasping.

I grinned, momentarily considering moving with him and continuing my use of his hole, but decided against it. This was supposed to be a reward, after all.

I knelt down next to him, running my hands soothingly along his body as he rolled over, completely spent, onto his back.

“Feel good?” I asked, smiling.

“Holy fuck,” he replied, still squirming involuntarily, just a bit.

After a moment, he deliberately moved his leg across the area of the carpet he’d been kneeling over.

I laughed. “You thought you squirted?”

“I could’ve sworn I did,” he replied. “I swear at one point I looked back and saw a stream.”

“I think that was precum,” I told him. “You were dripping quite a bit.”

He nodded, taking a deep, steadying breath. I was still smiling.

“You do know I’m not done with you yet, right?”

“I know.”

“Then roll over.”

He obediently rolled onto his stomach, and I pulled a paddle out of the bag, hitting him hard with it. Shortly after, I switched to my hand, spanking his ass, thoroughly reddening it, and mixing that with a few long strokes of raking my nails painfully down his back.

But then, I rose to my feet and told him to stand up, too. I walked into the bathroom, surveying the tub, and quickly figured out the logistics.

I turned to him.

“I need the tub filled with cool water, I need something soft on the floor that you can kneel on, that you don’t mind getting wet, and I need an extra towel. And wash all your makeup off.”

He nodded, hurrying to fulfill my commands. By the time he was done, I sat on the toilet seat beside the tub, two lengths of rope in my hands.

I told him to come stand in front of me, positioned him the way I wanted him, and began tying the rope around his thighs, binding his wrists to them.

Once I was satisfied it would hold him, but wouldn’t be too tight, I had him kneel down, facing the tub, and stood behind him.

“How’s your ass?” I asked. “Is it sore?”

He shrugged, shaking his head. “Not really.”

“Oh good.” I bent him over and slid a lubed plug into his ass. Judging by his grunts as I pushed it in, I guessed he was maybe a little more sore than he thought.

The tub was full, so I turned off the water, then grabbed him by the leash attached to his collar, pulling him back against me.

“Do you know what I’m going to do to you?” I asked, gently caressing his neck, shoulders, and chest.

“No.”

“Are you nervous?”

“A little.”

I grinned. Only a little?

I had the dildo nearby, along with a long, thin cane, but I wasn’t going to use those quite yet.

I pushed him down until his chest was resting on the edge of the tub, his face over the water. And then, with a firm hand on the back of his neck, I pushed down further, until his face was submerged.

For a moment, he was still, obeying the unspoken command that was the pressure of my hand on his neck.

And then, once his lungs began burning, he began struggling, pushing up against me. I held him down only a second longer before releasing him, letting him up. I gave him a moment to catch his breath, then pushed him under again.

This time, I held him down a fraction of a second longer before letting him up, pulling him upright by his collar, his head against my chest, and shoved the cock in his mouth, gagging him. When he coughed and sputtered, I slapped him and pushed him back down into the water.

The longer this went on, the longer I held him down once he started struggling, the harder I made him push back against me before releasing him and shoving the cock back down his throat.

At one point, I bent him back over, but didn’t push him under, instead turning my attention to the cane, and his reddened, spanked ass.

It didn’t take long before his grunts of pain told me he was reaching his pain threshold, and I grinned, setting the cane down. I knew each sting of the cane would cause him to clench his sore, raw muscles on the plug in him.

And just to prove my point, I reached down and tugged on the plug, loving the sounds he makes when he’s in pain.

The longer I went on, the more tired and worn out he seemed to get (what a shock). Finally, he said, “Okay, I need this taken out.”

I kept him bent over, resting his weight on the edge of the tub, and hooked my fingers firmly around the plug. It wasn’t overly big, but he was already sore, and his skin was already irritated to the point that just having it in had become unbearable.

It was going to hurt coming out.

“Are you ready?” I asked him, one hand on the small of his back to steady him.

“Yeah,” he said through gritted teeth.

With one smooth, quick motion, I pulled it all the way out. And his scream was every kind of delicious.

Exhausted and in pain, he fell to the side, leaning against the tub, resting his head on the edge, trembling and panting. I put a reassuring hand on his shoulder, giving him the time he needed to recover.

After a few moments, he sighed and straightened up, and I pulled him back against me, gently this time, and again ran my fingers along his body. I quickly untied his hands and stepped back as he staggered to his feet, bent over, his hands on his knees.

I took the opportunity to remove his collar, and the relief of having that tension gone was audible in his voice.

When he straightened up, I smiled at him. “How do you feel?” I asked him.

He gestured with his hands, a movement I translated as “shaky,” so I said, “Come on, come lie down.”

We went back to the bed, and he sat down on the edge, sighing and panting as he tried to get his head right again.

After a few minutes, he sighed and said, “Was that shorter than you wanted?”

“No,” I told him quickly, rubbing his shoulder. I was sitting behind him, so he didn’t see me smile.

He’d just been pushed to the point of screaming in pain, barely able to stand upright, and five minutes later, he was asking if I was happy with him, or if he’d somehow disappointed me.

That’s where his head was. That’s what was important to him in that moment.

My sweet, darling, obedient little sissy.

I pulled him back to lie down on the bed, grabbed the lube, and began stroking his cock. I knew it wouldn’t make him cum (and I doubted he’d be up for another orgasm at that point, even if he could), but I wanted something that would feel mostly good to him.

I mean, of course I worked it once he got sensitive, making him squirm. I couldn’t be too nice to him.

But I didn’t torture him too much, or for too long. He’d had a long evening.

I told him to get up and get dressed, and I got all my things together and put them back in my bag. We went back into the living room, where he poured us both glasses of water, and we sat down on the couch.

I pulled him to me immediately, and we sat for a few moments, watching TV. Then, I kissed the top of his head and pushed him up.

“I’m going to head out,” I told him. The poor boy needed to rest, after what I’d put him through. And I actually didn’t keep him up later than he was used to staying up, for a change. He needed sleep.

He walked me to my car, hugged me, and I drove off.

It definitely gave me plenty of awesome memories to help get me through the next few days of dealing with my psychotic mother.

I thought I was more or less done getting emotionally attached to subs. That turned out to be wrong for a number of reasons, most of which I won’t get into here. That’s a post for another day.

But there is one thing I will talk about. And that is the sweet little CD sissy I met for lunch yesterday. I had been talking to him for about a week, and he’s quite adorable. He met me yesterday, dressed as a male, but I’m mostly likely going to be interacting with him while he’s en femme, and calling him by his sissy name, so it seems fitting that I refer to him as as “she” here. I’ll also henceforth refer to her as “sissy.”

I got to the restaurant around 1:30 and met her outside. She was extremely polite, very sweet, and a little bit nervous (they’re so freaking cute when they’re nervous, aren’t they?). And for a moment in the beginning, there was a little bit of that awkwardness that always happens when I meet a new sub. But within minutes, that awkwardness disappeared without a trace, and we found ourselves lost in conversation.

I was expecting to be there for an hour, maybe an hour and a half. I finally left a little after 4. I’d completely lost track of time.

She’s a great conversationalist, with a fantastic sense of humor. I laughed so hard and so often, when I finally got the chance to look in a mirror, I saw that some of my eyeliner and mascara had smudged a bit (gasp!).

We talked about a wide variety of things. I was surprised at how knowledgeable she was, with so many different subjects. She’s only 25, but it’s obvious she’s spent a lot of time educating herself on a variety of things. I certainly wasn’t bored. And when I finally did look at my phone, I was shocked to find out how much time had passed. It really didn’t feel like that long.

She seems so genuine, so sweet, so willing to go above and beyond what I normally expect from first meetings. She even surprised me by handing me an envelope shortly after we sat down.

Taped to the envelope are some bluebells. When she handed it to me, she explained that bluebells are the flower symbolic of submission and submissives (I seem to remember seeing a sub with bluebells etched into her collar, but I may be mistaken… that was years and years and years ago).

She laughed, pointing out that these flowers are Texas bluebells, so technically not the correct flower, but try finding actual bluebells in Vegas in July.

I’ll be honest, I was stunned by that. In all the years I’ve been doing this, with all the subs I’ve met, I’ve never had one go that far to make a good first impression. So she has probably pretty effectively ruined it for any sub I meet in the future. That’s a tough act to follow.

And, because I’m an astrology nerd (shut up, I do it for a living… for the moment, anyway) I asked when her birthday is. I was stoked to find out that she’s an Aquarius, like me. So that could definitely have something to do with why we were so comfortable with each other. What’s more, I’m a mid-Aquarius (which is typically the most “Aquarius-like” Aquarius), while she’s a late Aquarius (which sort of gives someone a somewhat mutable, almost Gemini-like influence to the typical Aquarius traits), which could help alleviate the only real weakness in Aquarius-Aquarius relationships; emotional distance and a tendency to occasionally neglect the relationship. With her having a more mutable influence, she may be able to help balance that out.

She’s pretty cute, too. I’ve seen pics of her dressed, and can’t wait to see her en femme in person.

Oh, and she’s familiar with poly-type relationships. She’s even sort of in one, herself. She’s got a girlfriend, who knows about this side of her, knows that she likes to dress, knows that she’s submissive and wants a Domme. The way sissy described it to me is that their relationship is amazing, and they’ve truly brought out the best in one another. However, their sexuality is so completely different, so completely incompatible, they have opened their relationship and allow each other to have different partners (which makes me wonder if sissy’s girlfriend is an Aquarius, as well, or maybe a Gemini). They both recognize that they’re simply too good together to break up because of a difference in sexuality, but that they both have needs that need to be met.

And damn, that’s pretty fucking awesome.

The bottom line is that she’s adorable, and I’m really looking forward to seeing where things go with her. Because of past problems, I’m still staying a bit guarded, and not letting myself get too excited quite yet. But I’m cautiously optimistic. I’m going to wait a few months, and hopefully she’ll prove herself to be just as honest and genuine as she seems to be, and we’ll go from there.

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What this blog is

This is an 18+ blog about my day-to-day life as a Domina, wife, mother, and all that other crap. A chronicle of me. While this blog focuses primarily on the D/s aspect of my life and my relationships with Kazander, Steel, and Sounder, it is not exclusive to that subject, and I might talk about my kid, or my annoying mother, or my sister's pet cat, or whatever the hell I feel like talking about.

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Steel is no longer my sub, but his blog is still wonderful, and worth reading.

Steel’s Blog: Grind_'n'_Throb

It begins over a friendly disagreement, during which you smile, roll your eyes, and say, “Go fuck yourself.”

“But, Ma’am, that’s physically impossible.”

You smirk and ask how certain I am of this. On a roll, I launch into a smug and tangential rant about the anatomical impossibility of an individual’s being capable of fucking oneself. Your response is to merely shrug, smile, and make a cryptic statement:

“Don’t be so sure…”

Later that evening, you tell me bedtime will be early, an hour early to be exact. The amused look on your face says it would be in my best interests not to argue.

Sometimes I fall into a vicious cycle where I’m mentally and emotionally frustrated and cannot manage to channel that energy into productive avenues. In the old days, this would lead to drinking or drugs, but I don’t do that anymore. Instead, I try to go about my day, generally fail to complete mundane tasks and end up feeling ‘stuck’ – this progresses into a cycle of mild depression, feelings of inertia, guilt over said inertia, and then on and on it goes until something snaps me out of it.

It feels like I’m seated in a car stuck in neutral yet compelled to rev the engine until it screams.

When did I last curl up in her lap? It’s been so long, I cannot recall. Despite numbered boxcars on the calendar and the disinterested faces of clocks, a concrete memory eludes me. Time, location, and date, they’re merely three dimensions after all.