I tried watching Monday Night RAW this week and I couldn’t get through a half hour of the thing. I stopped watching wrestling after high school and it certainly wasn’t because I did any growing up. Wrasslin’ got shitty in a hurry when Vince McMahon bought everybody out. But we recall the good days fondly, so we did a draft of which wrestler we’d most like to be.

The rules, according to Punte: “You are drafting a professional wrestler to emulate in the ring, as well as in life. Your selection must be involved or have been involved in a relatively prominent nationwide wrestling promotion. No more than one incarnation of the same wrestler may be selected (eg: you can draft Terry Taylor, or the Red Rooster, but not both, and once one is gone, so is the other).”

There goes my Kane/Fake Diesel/Issac Yankem, DDS, sweep!

The line-up, snake-order as always.

1. Maj
2. Ape
3. Flub
4. Drew
5. PUNTE

Ufford abstained, claiming that he’s always hated pro wrestling, so we gave him John Cena because of his tour de force performance in The Marine.

JUST RING THE DAMN BELL ALREADY!

1. Unsilent Majority — Bret Hart

“The Excellence of Execution was always my favorite back in the day, even if he gave his glasses to that shit-eating kid sitting a couple of seats down. He’s the best technical wrestler ever, and he made hating Vince McMahon cool long before Stone Cold’s arrival. Plus I’m a total sucker for a man in pink. RAWR!”

flubby: “Terrible pick. You can’t be the best of all time if you spent most of your career as a tag team wrestler… russian leg sweep, elbow off second rope, sharpshooter zzzzzzzzz”

Maj: “You have no class, go watch the Montreal Screwjob again.”

flubby: “McMahon had to do that because Hart refused to lose a fake fight in his home country… not his hometown mind you, his home country.”

Maj: “McMahon screwed Hart because he was going to leave for WCW. As for spending “most of his career” as a tag team wrestler, he won the heavyweight title five times.”

Maj: “I haven’t felt like this big a nerd in a VERY long time.”

2. Christmas Ape — Mick Foley

“Wanted to take The Rock or Hogan here for the crossover celebrity possibilities, but Mick wins for being a legitimately cool guy with an amazing legacy and backstory. Plus, Hogan is a boring-as-fuck wrestler, whereas Foley will give you a couple amazing falls in any given match. And the Hell in the Cell at King of the Ring 1998 is one of my favorite matches ever. Also, he’s written a few bestsellers, which helps on the money/respectability end.”

3. flubby — Ric Flair

“Best talker, best in the ring, best gimmick. Flair wasn’t just a star himself, but he could turn bums like Sting and Lex Luger into stars…. whereas Brett Hart had a brief run as WWE champ when the company was in the crapper, Flair carried an entire confederacy of wrestling organizations on his back for the better part of two decades…”

Maj: “Sting’s a bum? Maybe you just hate the sharp-shooter.”

flubby: “He’s the fucking worst.”

Punte: “Seriously, anybody that was in WCW that was worth a shit wound up in WWE at some point.”

Maj: “I mean I certainly don’t have him at the top of my list, but that’s harsh.”

flubby: “Brett Hart is good, I just think you’ve rated him too highly. Sting on the other hand is just boring. Here’s every Sting storyline ever: can Sting trust this guy? Answer: No.”

4. Big Daddy Cool DieselDrew — Macho Man Randy Savage

“Loved his nickname. Loved his entrance. Loved his voice. And when he won the WWF title in that tourney way back, he spontaneously won the crowd over despite being a wife beater.

I love the guy.”

It’s true. Drew was deeply offended when Macho Man was left off this list from last month.

True story: I only knew of Pomp & Circumstance as Macho Man’s theme until I was 15. I was a dumb kid.

5. Monday Morning Punter — The Undertaker

“The guy’s been around forever. He’s an amazing athlete for his size, coupled with a gimmick that fans love almost as much as insiders claim it might have hindered his career. But when the lights in the arena went out and you heard the big bell ring, he lived up to the hype. He took the character created for him and, like so many of his opponents, made it bend to his will.”

Round 2

6. Monday Morning Punter — Hulk Hogan

“Technically dreadful, stylistically uninspired, and bald. But he was the flint that helped spark America’s wrestling craze in the 1980s. To date he’s the only wrestler that has made the cover of Sports Illustrated. He’s the reason we’re having this stupid draft to begin with, because without the Hulkster and his performance-enhanced pythons, we would have bought a lot more LEGOs.”

7. Drew — Ricky Steamboat

“Try fucking with this alligator, BITCH”

8. flubby — Abdullah the Butcher

“How great is it to be Abdullah? He’s remained a fixture in the business for decades even though he doesn’t do interviews and doesn’t even stay in shape. Actually, he doesn’t even actually wrestle at all. He usual waddles to the ring, where he stands flat footed and gasping for breath until he starts gouging his opponent with a dinner fork for about ten minutes, then he call it a night. The guy is in his 70’s and weights over 400 pounds, he shouldn’t be outside of Dick Gregory’s eyesight let alone still wrestling. I went to his bbq/soul food restaurant in Atlanta once. Unfortunately, Abdullah was on road. But I made sure to steal a fork.”

9. Ape — The Rock

“Nonpareil mic skills, the most crossover fame of any wrestler who isn’t Hogan while being an actually respectable movie actor and he’s good in the ring. Also, he played defensive tackle for The U on a national championship team, which gives him at least some relevance to this site.”

10. Maj — “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka

“One of the original high flyers, he was always one of the most entertaining guys in the (fake) sport. ”

Round 3

11. Maj — Rey Mysterio Jr.

“Just pure fucking awesomeness. He can do just about anything you can imagine in and out of the ring, he’s not a roided up freak-show, and he’s had a long and diverse career. Shit, he was a part of Master P’s No Limit Soldiers and the Filthy Animals.”

12. Ape — Chris Jericho

“Brother just knows how to punch a bitch.”

/waits for Punter to take Chris Benoit

13. flubby — “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase.

“Maybe the greatest heel in WWF/WWE history.”

14. Drew — Jesse “The Body” Ventura

Not much in the ring. But he was a wizard with the mic, and I loved him when he broadcast with Gorilla Monsoon.

“I don’t trust that Chico Santana, Gorilla.”
“It’s Tito.”
“Looks like a Chico to me.”
“Oh, WILL YOU STOP?”

Plus I get to make two of the best Arnold flicks ever, AND I can run the state of Minnesota and retroactively get the Vikes that Anoka stadium deal.

Jesus Christ no one took Stone Cold yet? I like beer. I like swearing and middle fingers. Plus he drove zambonis, and beer trucks, monster trucks, all kinds of cool shit. And the most famous thing he ever said mocked organized religion. I can get on board with that.

Triple H – yeah he’s a tool, BUT he’s nailing the boss’ daughter (after her boob job) and that kind of job security just can’t be beat. Oh and he formed DX with Shawn Michaels.

02.13.09 at 10:13 am

2Port

RoadKill, The Angry Amish Chicken Plucker

-pretends to choke imaginary animal
CHICK………ENS!!!

02.13.09 at 10:15 am

UZH

I’ve never watched more than 10 combined minutes of that shit in my 31 years on this planet. Actually, Step 1 in UZH’s National Euthanasia Plan once I become Emperor is to eradicate all performers and fans from the gene pool.

02.13.09 at 10:16 am

Westbrook Is My Anti-Drug

Fuck Triple H.

I’d also say fuck you Gay Mafiosos too for letting Stone Cold drop to the commenters picks, but you guys were cool enough to draft Chris Jericho in the main draft. Jericho is full of awesome and win. Also, Bret Hart at #1 is a classic Internet nerd pick, but given that we’re on the Internet and are all nerds, well, it fits. Good job, Maj.

ALSO, Hogan wasn’t technically dreadful. He could actually wrestle, but he only did so in Japan because Vince didn’t want to see the stiff, technical wrestling bullshit until everyone on his roster got busted for steroids and he HAD to push guys like Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels and Scott Hall.

And Shawn Michaels wasn’t picked yet either? I oughta kick every last one of you through a barber shop window.

02.13.09 at 10:19 am

Animal Mother

@ last unitard – I liked when Backlund made his comeback at around 60 years of age, only now he had “mental problems” and put the chicken wing crossface on that writer who weighed about 90 pounds and was flinging him around the stage/ring.

But I still think Jimmy ‘Superfly’ Snuka was the best.

02.13.09 at 10:19 am

Upstate Underdog

Tazz – was awesome in ECW then worked into a cushy announcers job with WWE.

02.13.09 at 10:20 am

Westbrook Is My Anti-Drug

Next pick – Sabu, if just becuase when he was asked how good a lay a ring-rat was after a match, he told the guy who asked him to smell his moustache.

Simply because during an ECW PPV (I think it was Heat Wave) he took Steve Carino’s blood and wrote “DIE” on his own chest.

02.13.09 at 10:27 am

Spum

New Jack

5 JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDES BITCH

02.13.09 at 10:28 am

Upstate Underdog

I’ll take a jobber – “The Unpredictable” Johnny Rodz

02.13.09 at 10:29 am

2Port

@Shoopmonster
Excellent, excellent call on Jerry Lynn. Those matches with him and RVD towards the end of ECW were amazing.

@Spum
Plus you get to hear your entrance song the entire time you wrestle.

02.13.09 at 10:30 am

FlaccosJerseyRoots

JBL

02.13.09 at 10:30 am

Ron Santo's Legs

This post is screwed the pooch on some golden Chris Benoit joke opportunities.

02.13.09 at 10:36 am

Shoopmonster

I gotta get ready for work so I’m making a pick now.

“Sugar” Shane Helms

Get to be the Hurricane, I speak about as well as Lou Holtz. The real reason for the pick is so I can use the Vertebreaker as my finishing move. I always thought it looked awesome enough to cause instant paralysis.

02.13.09 at 10:37 am

Unsilent Majority

UU- taking a jobber not named Barry Horowitz? Shame.

I tried to take the Rockers (Jannety and HBK) but it was disallowed.

02.13.09 at 10:39 am

85

Raven.

Grunge isn’t dead.

02.13.09 at 10:39 am

Ronnie Mund

I pick Eugene, WWE’s retarded wrestler. Suffice to say my friend’s sign at a show that read “I’m DOWNS with Eugene” didn’t last long since we were in the prime spot for TV exposure.

I want to know what it feels like to have the worst finisher in history… Rugged Ronnie Garvin.

02.13.09 at 10:52 am

Your mom

Ill take Kofi Kingston. Anyone for Mickie James? Just to you know, look at yourself?

02.13.09 at 10:52 am

Spum

How in the hell has nobody picked Diamond Dallas Page? Guy goes from roadie to World Champ with hot wife because he’s friends with Eric Bischoff.

02.13.09 at 10:53 am

CCAMP

How can you not go with the “Kings of Kings,” Triple HHH, multiple Championships, and part of one the greatest tag team in history. Two words Stephanie McManon, also a “professional” body builder… and how do you forget about his great role in one of the Blade movies.

02.13.09 at 10:54 am

Unsilent Majority

Spum- probably because he made an ass of himself trying to sue Jay Z.

02.13.09 at 10:55 am

Majaleeg

I’ll take Benoit, if not only to show that punk Chris Brown how it’s REALLY done.

02.13.09 at 10:56 am

Mo Charlo

Buff Bagwell. Because he just didn’t give a fuck.

02.13.09 at 10:56 am

Alvin Mack

Scott Steiner

“Big pappa pump is your hookup, holla if you hear me”

02.13.09 at 10:58 am

Mo Charlo

What about fictional wrasslers?

Jimmy “The King” King from Ready to Rumble

/movie was hilarious.
//no, seriously.
///fine…fuck off.

02.13.09 at 10:59 am

Upstate Underdog

last pick, The Polish Hammer Ivan Putski

02.13.09 at 10:59 am

Yinzer B

Great late round pick Mo Charlo with Buff Bagwell. Is everyone scared to take Eddie Guerrero? The man “cheats to win”. Tommy from Quiznee would appreciate that.

02.13.09 at 11:00 am

Farts

i’ll take Owen Hart, so i can FINALLY get some (rest in) peace around here!

seriously though, most of these guys are already dead inside, and in constant pain, etc. is there a better way to officially “retire” than dropping 40′ into the ring during a PPV event? that’s WAY better than leaving your wrestling shoes on the mat after your final match….

02.13.09 at 11:04 am

Unsilent Majority

Mr. Perfect.

It’s been far too long.

02.13.09 at 11:04 am

Kid Presentable

How about Mr. Perfect? Again, dying aside, it would be cool to have an awesome montage intro and get to pound beers with Wade Boggs.

02.13.09 at 11:05 am

Kid Presentable

Dammit Maj.

02.13.09 at 11:05 am

Spatula

Sammartino and Putski both off the board? Damn, I hate getting to these drafts late.

02.13.09 at 11:06 am

Unsilent Majority

WINNAR!

02.13.09 at 11:06 am

Reggie Bush's Pimp

Final pic: ZEUS AKA Tiny Lister AKA D-Bo

02.13.09 at 11:08 am

Mo Charlo

Going back to the Lucha Libre, I’m picking Armando.

He’s your average homeboy from Durango, has a mullet. He also finished opponents by doing a pedigree off the top turnbuckle. Suck shit, HHH.

I will take the one and only Shockmaster. Greatest first appearance ever.

02.13.09 at 11:20 am

El Duke

Fuck, someone already took Angle.

Ummm….
John Morrison

Sure, I’d have to tag with The Miz, but that guy’s tagged like half the divas

02.13.09 at 11:20 am

TDub

“The Claw” is all you bitches need to know.

02.13.09 at 11:21 am

Miles O'Toole

Andy Kauffman

02.13.09 at 11:21 am

Mo Charlo

Disco Inferno.

Burn, baby, burn.

02.13.09 at 11:21 am

Shoopmonster

Jerry “The King” Lawler

PUPPIES!

02.13.09 at 11:22 am

bam33

Ultimate Warrior, no doubt.

02.13.09 at 11:22 am

Punch Rockgroin

Earthquake!

02.13.09 at 11:22 am

chris benoit's roid rage

scotty too hotty,greatest finishing move of all time, the worm

02.13.09 at 11:23 am

WhatWouldPurpleJesusDo

God dammit, Y2J and The Godfather DEFINE win.

I’ll take the big red machine, Kane, just because I want to see what it would be like to live my life as Sloth from The Goonies.

02.13.09 at 11:23 am

h3bru

Mikey Whipwreck!!

02.13.09 at 11:24 am

Fletch Lives

@ Joel – The ultimate Warrior is alive and well. the guy was political now for a while and he tours the country giving speeches on conservativism to college students. I also read he created his own Warrior philosophy.

hey, how come no one mentioned GOLDDUST!?!?!

02.13.09 at 11:24 am

Miles O'Toole

Lest us not forget, Captain Lou Albono. Well at least before all that Cyndi Laupner shit.
Always wanted to put rubber bands on my beard.
Unable to grow beard in the 80’s.
Unable to grow beard in the 00’s.

02.13.09 at 11:25 am

WhatWouldPurpleJesusDo

In middle school i played baseball and used to do the worm in the dugout when someone hit a home run. true story.

02.13.09 at 11:27 am

andrea

damnit i wanted to take terry funk! fine, i will take rob van dam for the WIN.

(or bryan danielson. BEST IN THE WORLD!).

02.13.09 at 11:28 am

devin hester's speech coach

I’ll take Hawk from the Road Warriors/Legion of Doom. Great intro music, and you get to close line people off of Animal’s shoulders from the top rope, potentially killing them. AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW WHAT A RUSH!

02.13.09 at 11:28 am

Sage Rosencopter

@Devin Hester’s – That’s the reason why I picked him. You are a man the appreciates fine music, sir.

how none of you could pick absolute batshit steroid crazy is beyond me.

02.13.09 at 11:30 am

Hollywood

I’m now taking King Slender from the original Pro Wrestling game on NES. Piledriver was a devastating move.

Also, WWF should have made a faction that consisted of Outlaw Ron Bass, Skinner and the Stalker Barry Windham.

02.13.09 at 11:33 am

Chad Sexington

911 from the ECW days. Just show up, chokeslam people, and get my check. Simple.

02.13.09 at 11:33 am

chewBAKKA

Gotta love the Macho Man — my brother and I rode some weird ass ride at Disneyland when I was like 8 and we sat beside him. He kept saying “Oh yeah, brother” and shit just liike his schtick. Gotta love it.

Since non of you regular commenters wanted DDP, I’ll take him. I’ll be able to get my head kicked in for the entire match only to throw the diamond cutter on my opponent when they go for the frog splash.

02.13.09 at 11:47 am

blacksnakemoan

Piper. Just for the pure psychotic frenzy he could work himself into. That, and the fact that he blasted Mort with the fire extinguisher.

02.13.09 at 11:48 am

Mo Charlo

@Fletch. I took Golddust. I mentioned it twice.

While this has been fun, I do need to say that I am a Jericaholic.

02.13.09 at 11:49 am

andrea

@alvin

i tend to forget things that happened after the nwo jumped the shark.
though i do remember rey mysterio getting javellined into a trailer. that was something else.

@megatron: DDP! good pick, sir!

02.13.09 at 11:52 am

foxxy brown

[sorry – i have to work the land today so i have to do all my picks at once]

well, the ladies board is wide open — Jacqueline (met her once, she was very nice); Lita; Ivory; Stacy Keibler

/Gay Mafia picked all of my true favorites. great list. you too, guy who picked HBK
// glad we seem to agree HHH is Marmalard-level douche

02.13.09 at 11:53 am

andrea

if yer gonna draft a woman, how about medusa, or sara del rey, or bull nakano…

02.13.09 at 11:53 am

bob

King Harley Race. That guy will drive his boat through Party Cove at the Lake of the Ozarks and there’ll be nothing but tits flashing at him and he’ll have several gals on his boat. That man is living the life.

02.13.09 at 11:54 am

Dan From Chicago

Got to go Tag Team here – Dick the Brusier & The Crusher

Ass kickers Personified

/yes, I’m older than most here

02.13.09 at 11:57 am

foxxy brown

@ Andrea — nice!

well then, Moolah

02.13.09 at 11:57 am

arightandarightandaright

I’m going with shane mcmahon. heir to the throne, and a pretty badass wrestler too. check out 2:53 of this shit:

@ Andrea, again: also, i believe the call of the question was pro wrestler i would want to be, not pro wrestler who actually wrestled. a lot of old school names could go on that list . . .

02.13.09 at 12:06 pm

Mateophillipe

Mark Henry – because I shared a turboprop US Airways flight with him in DC last year. He apparent is as broke as the rest of us so not a lot of “life” potential there. He’s also balding with braids a la Jerry Rice and has Olympic credentials to boot.

02.13.09 at 12:07 pm

DJAnyReason

Test got to bang Stacy Kiebler for several years. ’nuff said.

02.13.09 at 12:08 pm

Rutang

Hercules
Dude swings a 45 foot chain around the ring. Not to mention he was sold into slavery with the Million Dollar man, only to battle out of it.

02.13.09 at 12:09 pm

Hollywood

The Natural Butch Reed – probably the first time I saw a black man have blond hair

02.13.09 at 12:11 pm

El Duke

Oh and for the record, Jericho’s heel work now blows anything Million Dollar Man did. Chris Jericho just fucking rules.

02.13.09 at 12:11 pm

Megatron Jones

I call Tajiri: “It’s the green mist!”

02.13.09 at 12:12 pm

andrea

oh, good point foxxxy.

did woman/nancy ever get in the ring? because she was my favorite valet/manager of all time.

woman, oh woman, wont you marry me now…

02.13.09 at 12:17 pm

Christmas Ape

Bam Bam Bigelow.

BEAST FROM THE EAST!

02.13.09 at 12:18 pm

spagett

how about….

PAPA SHANGO aka Pedro Cerrano

nothing like combining two of america’s favorite things, voodoo and wrestling!

Wrestling died for me after the downfall of Big South/WCW (I think that’s what it was) – Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Butch Reed, the Von Erichs, etc. Anyone growing up in/around the Houston area will remember the Paul Bosch (RIP – great announcer and great wrestler in his day) wearing a 5k Diamond Ring in his ear in a commercial for IW Marks Jewelers saying, “If IW Marks can make me look pretty, imagine what they can do for you”…indirectly hilarious.

I’d just like to add a ‘harumph’ to all of you that agreed that Sting sucks. Man, did I detest that guy.

02.13.09 at 12:39 pm

Jefferson Short Bus

I can’t believe he’s still on the board.

The Great Muta. *yoink*

02.13.09 at 12:43 pm

John John the Bastard

I pick goldberg because god loves a good Jew. Also he played for the Falcons so I got the NFL stuff. Additionally he has done a good job of keeping in the headlines.

02.13.09 at 12:44 pm

Christmas Ape

If anyone picks Jeff Jarrett, they’re banned.

That’s J-E-DOUBLE-F J-A-DOUBLE-R-E-DOUBLE-T

DOUBLE J JEFF JARRETT

so gay

02.13.09 at 12:47 pm

Alvin Mack

@Tatum
Finally someone else shows some love for big pappa pump.

02.13.09 at 12:48 pm

Shane_Falco

Dammit Im late for this one…So Im drafting my survivor series team…

Ill take Kevin “Diesel” Nash (or Kane as the Fake Diesel if Nash is off the board), Brock Lesnar, Jake The Snake Roberts, Ax and Smash of Demolition (if the Road Warriors are off the board), and for present days sake Ill take the team of Beer Money, Inc. (“Mind on our money, and our money on our Beer.”)

Yeah, how you asshats didn’t take The Ultimate Warrior in the first two rounds is beyond me.

02.13.09 at 12:52 pm

Hollywood

What’s with all the hate for Sting? Ya, I hate the guy now…and I hated him when he and the British Bulldog were teaming up to face the Masters Of The Powerbomb (Vader & Sid, managed by Harley Race). Speaking of which, Vader is a solid pick…like WCW Vader.

But, Sting was bad ass when he was hanging out in the rafter and kicking the shit out of the entire NWO. They screwed him when they had him join the NWO Wolfpac – So Gay.

If anyone picks Konnan, I will personally castrate you.

02.13.09 at 12:52 pm

Shane_Falco

The Loose Cannon Brian Pillman

“REAL MEN DONT QUIT, THEY GET FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!”

02.13.09 at 12:53 pm

andrea

damnit i was gonna take muta!

02.13.09 at 12:56 pm

Zack

@Otto: my dream pick would have been Rowdy Roddy Piper (I can’t believe he didn’t get picked by one of the KSK authors – what the hell have they been smoking?) but when you show up to the draft 200 picks in, you’re stuck with the few crumbs that are still left on the table. I remember Thunderlips being pretty cool out of the ring, plus having a stable of bitches as well.

02.13.09 at 12:56 pm

jackin'4beats

I’ve got to work hard today and have already missed 200+ picks so I’ll take the left overs.

Was the Iron Shiek drafted yet? If not Im just gonna reach and take former WCW wrestler “Above Average” Mike Sanders.

02.13.09 at 1:21 pm

andrea

damnit, shane is taken, too. steve corino.

02.13.09 at 1:22 pm

BK

Dean Malenko

Guy could fucking wrestle and really hurt you if you pissed him off

02.13.09 at 1:23 pm

Hollywood

Shane Douglas fucking sucks. Quite possibly the worst pick of the draft. Sorry Andrea, you had some good ones up until that shitbomb.

Who’s next – Evan Karagias? Three Count as a team? The Goon?

02.13.09 at 1:23 pm

Ronnie Mund

With my next pick I take Hines Ward, part of the legendary stable “Kaientai.”

Flog Sprash!

02.13.09 at 1:26 pm

Hollywood

Ludvig Borga.

02.13.09 at 1:26 pm

Barry Horowitz

Ill take 123 Kid, Sparkplug Bob Holly, Repo Man and Golddust

02.13.09 at 1:26 pm

TF88

I want mike Awesome. He was the balls in ECW. Awesomebomb

02.13.09 at 1:27 pm

dick_gozinia

If anybody understands this pick, I’ll be amazed.

Kazushi Sakuraba

Wrestled professionally in Japan and then went on to become “The Gracie Hunter” with MMA wins over several Gracies, Rampage Jackson, Ken Shamrock and Kevin Randleman. Plus, he’s an idol and legend in Japan and I’d rather be idolized in Japan than in the US….the tail is so much better.

02.13.09 at 1:28 pm

andrea

@hollywood – yeah but i saw shane defeat bam bam for the ecw title at a november to remember ppv, and it was nice cheering for the hometown guy (he was also my friend’s substitute history teacher during that time). but the fucker wouldnt sign one goddamn autograph. oh well. he’s got great mic skills though.

@bk: OH SHIT DEAN MALENKO. fucking good one.

02.13.09 at 1:28 pm

andrea

oh and batshit ecw crazy pillman is my next one.

02.13.09 at 1:30 pm

Shane_Falco

With my final pick in the draft, I will take my own personal Mr. Irrelevant, THE KING OF SWING DANCIN STEVIE RICHARDS!!!!!!!

I miss the old ECW – Rhino piledriving Sandman’s wife through tables, Masato Tanaka vs. Mike Awesome, RVD when he was actually allowed to wrestle.

Impact Players? FUCK and YA.

02.13.09 at 1:31 pm

andrea

@dick

i know who sakuraba is, DUH. DUH DUH DUH.

02.13.09 at 1:32 pm

Shane_Falco

@ andrea, I took crazy pillman early. Real men dont quit, they get fired….

/for reading this blog at work…

02.13.09 at 1:32 pm

andrea

@hollywood

the first time i saw ecw tv, it was when francine turned on the pitbulls and they superbombed her through tables. i was hooked immediately.

with that, i choose the queen of extreme, francine, only because she can take bumps and was trained at the house of hardcore, the only actual woman to ever actually graduate.

02.13.09 at 1:33 pm

andrea

so many marks! so little time!

02.13.09 at 1:39 pm

marmatard

Playboy Buddy Rose

Colonel DeBeers

02.13.09 at 1:39 pm

Jefferson Short Bus

The Chairman of WCW, La Parka.

02.13.09 at 1:40 pm

marmatard

Hehehe syke late-80s AWA was such a joke.

02.13.09 at 1:42 pm

Jigga

Ravishing Rick Rude and his gyrating hips. I want to make all those dirty hick girls cream their Sassoons.

02.13.09 at 1:45 pm

WhatWouldPurpleJesusDo

Is Drew Carey still on the board? He was in WrestleMania once. It was him and 31 other guys who relentlessly beat the shit out of him. He was the Cleveland Browns of wrestling.

02.13.09 at 1:45 pm

Pubic Enemy

I pick Viscera…because I like to sit on dude’s faces.

Wait…what?!

02.13.09 at 1:55 pm

jamaicanmehazy

1. Chief Jay Strongbow. Thas right, old school. Chief would do the war dance and put the sleeper hold on a motherfucker and that was it. Too cool
2. Bruno Sammartino. My grandmother swore she saw him lift Ivan Koloff over his head and throw him into third row of seats. First man to bench 550. Google Bruno/Iron Sheik/Steelers to read about legendary brawl between Bruno and Sheik vs. six Steelers after match at old Civic Center in the ‘Burgh.
3. Goldberg-saw him military press Scott Steiner while standing and rep him out about eight times

I still get my pubes cut by Brutus “the barber” Beefcake ..and yes he uses the huge lawn shears ..its bad down there..seriously

02.13.09 at 2:08 pm

rae carruth

randy muther fuckin orton

02.13.09 at 2:08 pm

Meyton_Panning

# 2 pick has to be the Canadian Strongman.. who out there remembers his ring moniker..

02.13.09 at 2:09 pm

rae carruth

allthough if i could just pick whoever taker benoit and flair would be at the top

02.13.09 at 2:09 pm

FORM_OF_J_PEEZY

Best value pick of the draft, Jeff Hardy. Gets to bang Lita, has as many ring rats as he needs, and does all sorts of opiates.

02.13.09 at 2:11 pm

rae carruth

also nigel mcguiness is awesome (relizes he knos who that is….crys)

02.13.09 at 2:12 pm

KrilDog

Lance Storm

He’s from Calgary…..Alberta, Canada

02.13.09 at 2:15 pm

hercules rockefeller

Haystacks Calhoun

02.13.09 at 2:17 pm

andrea

@rae: fuck nigel. same old shit.

02.13.09 at 2:22 pm

Tim Tebow's Girlfriend's Tits

@Jefferson Short Bus

Muta is a great pick.

Magnum TA

02.13.09 at 2:24 pm

krunknasty

my pick is the tommy brady of this draft:

ULTIMO DRAGON!

what a shame he was reduced to being a wcw jobber.

02.13.09 at 2:28 pm

JP

Not one of you gays picked Rowdy Roddy Piper? I am offended.

02.13.09 at 2:31 pm

andrea

jp: tons of people picked piper…! just control-f/action-f that action. F!

@krunknasty: ooh ultimo dragon! great choice!

02.13.09 at 2:45 pm

StinkFace

I can’t believe no one has taken Greg “The Hammer” Valentine. Or Vampiro. I’ll take them, then.
And I’ll also go with Virgil, Vince McMahon’s answer to the Civil Rights movement.
For the last two: Hillbilly Jim and Tito Santana.

Fuck me again, I’m way too late. My pick would have been Rowdy Roddy Piper, then Jesse The Body Ventura, but they were off the board right away. So instead-Fun Facts:

The “South Park” Cripple Fight between Timmy and Jimmy was a remake (almost shot-for-shot) of the epic street fight between Roddy Piper and Keith David had in “They Live”. Also, check out “Hell Comesto Frogtown”.

James Brown got the idea of getting robes thrown on him (by Bobby Byrd) at the end of his act from Gorgeous George.

The Iron Sheik was Lebanese-American and Christian.

I once sat near Jesse The Body Ventura at a Timberwolves game. He knew the refs’ names and called them out: “Aw come on, hugh, they’ve been hackin’ KG all night!”. My brother shook his hand and later we saw Kirby Puckett. True Story.

02.13.09 at 3:53 pm

marmatard

@Hollywood: Greg Gagne’s bullshit push thanks to being the son of the promoter was a big reason the AWA was terrible. He looked like a high school math teacher and couldn’t wrestle worth a damn.

02.13.09 at 4:02 pm

dick_gozinia

Since I can’t pick Ric Flair, I’ll take his son David Flair.

From a Stacy Keibler interview page…

“Rumor has it that in real life you dated Ric Flair’s son, David.

I did. Years ago. It was the beginning of the WCW days.”

That’s good enough for me.

02.13.09 at 4:05 pm

Johnny Damon's Laser Rocket Arm

Fuck I hate being late to these damn things, but since I am can I go really old school and take the Moondogs of WCW fame? They sucked as wrestlers but their act was hilarious. Also showing my age I’d like to put in a waiver wire claim for former FSu star Ron Simmons……….. DAMN.

Since Mick Foley was taken….I’m gonna go with Dude Love AND Cactus Jack.

Owned.

02.13.09 at 9:44 pm

Evan

The Great Mephisto

Sometime wrestler, also manager of Abdullah the Butcher. Coined the immortal line when talking about Abdullah – “A man so dirty, he can take a bath in a cess pool and leave a dirty ring.’

02.13.09 at 10:53 pm

StinkFace

As a bonus, can I take Mark Henry and Mae Young’s hand?

02.14.09 at 1:09 am

Mohaski

I didn’t notice anybody pick Kenny “Sodbuster” Jay, one of the great “jobbers” in pro wrestling history, and where would any of the superstars be without the jobbers? Plus, he once took on Muhammad Ali in a wrestler vs. boxer match, the highlight of a 30+ year career…

If I were gonna pick a non-jobber, it would have to be The Crusher, who used to say he trained by carrying a quarterbarrel of Pabst from the brewery in Milwaukee, out to Cudahy, drinking heavily from both along the way…

/Yeah, I’m older than you…

02.14.09 at 1:25 am

paul

ernest “the cat” miller

SOMEBODY BETTA CALL MY MOMMA!

/does james brown dance

02.14.09 at 1:28 am

Rubble44

Special Delivery Jones….FTW

02.14.09 at 1:31 am

Rubble44

Actually, since no one has said him MISTEERRRRRRRRRRRR KENNEDY

KENNEDY!!!!

02.14.09 at 3:02 am

Hakim Drops the Ball

Since I’m joining this thing way late, I’m taking a tag team: The New Age Outlaws.

No Razor Ramon… this is blasphemy!!!! Razor’s edge = best finishing move ever plus he is a pretty cool guy, eh beats up all the wrestlers and doesn’t afraid of anything.

02.14.09 at 8:33 am

Big Black Richard

From TPB, I’m going to take the Green Bastard, hailing from Parts Unknown.

02.14.09 at 11:44 am

Conrad Dobler

Seems to be available at this point – the Mighty Igor. He used sandpaper to rough up his own eye so he could keep up an eyepatch gimmick. That’s the kind of insane dedication to one’s craft you don’t see in today’s HGH-ridden freaks.

02.14.09 at 12:18 pm

Barren Rodgers

Has anyone taken Goldust aka Dustin Rhodes?

02.14.09 at 12:21 pm

Sancho

Nobody takes wives into consideration? Undertaker’s wife was hot, I’d take him first no question.

Plus I just seen him on TV for the first time in years and he hasn’t lost a step. He’s like the Morten Anderson of pro wrestling.

02.14.09 at 12:31 pm

Jalex

I’ll take…. Giant Gonzales.. and.. Justin Credible… wrestling nerd

02.14.09 at 2:51 pm

Christmas Ape

The Nasty Boys

Finally, an excuse not to wash my pits

02.14.09 at 3:07 pm

Buh Buh

No Dynamite Kid? He was a prick but an amazing performer.

02.14.09 at 5:04 pm

andrea

hey Jalex: great work on giant gonzales (though i would have gone with el gigante-persona) and justin. last i heard, he was working at a target in minnesota though.

but what a talented mf-er.

02.14.09 at 7:31 pm

Tim Tebow's Girlfriend's Tits

The Nasty Boys

Finally, an excuse not to wash my pits

Like you (I think), also from Allentown, PA. You are like brothers.

/Mother is from Allentown

02.14.09 at 7:35 pm

Tim Tebow's Girlfriend's Tits

Old-school NWA is the key to this. That is where all the good, obscure guys are lurking…

Only Vince McMahon would have sacrificed the integrity of his lightweight championship belt to make fun of Eric Bischoff’s queer WCW.”

You can’t just take Gillburg and not post his entrance!

02.15.09 at 5:16 am

Grimmbles

Much like I just did. Sonofa.

02.15.09 at 10:30 pm

Goods

Superstar Billy Graham saw him in a match against Putski he would spit into the crowd every time he took a punch

Mr. Fuji and Professor Toru Tanaka

Afa and Sika The Wild Samoans

02.16.09 at 12:56 am

Tatum Bellhop

I’ll take Prince Albert for the EPIC WIN. Also taking Typhoon (rather than Tugboat) to round out my Natural Disasters tag team. Keeping up with the fat bastard theme, I will take Yokozuna in round four. And so I can have one wrestler who is not a disgusting mess of a man, I will round out my squad with the incredibly handsome Chuck Palumbo, who I am gay for.

/ not really gay though
// is this how these work?
/// jack swagger also has a splendid physique

02.16.09 at 12:57 am

Tatum Bellhop

With April 15th fast approaching, I would also like to take D’lo Brown to prepare my taxes.

02.17.09 at 10:01 pm

Gootch

What, no love for Tony Schiavoni?

I’m a big fan of weird tag team combos, so give me Nicolai Volkoff (just so I can sing the Russian anthem before the match) and Akeem (ah-boooooo… ha ha!). To manage, I’ll take the original Jive Soul Bro, Slick, and to annouce, from the ol’ WCCW days, I’ll take Gordon Solie. Aw yeah… dig it.

04.25.10 at 2:32 am

Drew Kanda

Fantastic post! I will subscribe right now wth my feedreader application!