7/10

Let me just say this, I jumped, I may of even jumped twice. This is a rare thing for me in films, not much makes me jump and very little has me giving something that looks like it was filmed by the same people as "Neighbours" a 7. Well worth a watch and for once a decent story to go with, bravo.

6/10

Katie Parker, who the fuck is she? I dunno but I'd bang her. Well from the waist up perhaps, she's got some pretty chunky thighs. Anyway, Absentia is the film that is going to make her famous enough to lipo the shit out of those badboys and then the world will fancy her. So form an orderly queue behind me, I'm the first rat up that drainpipe.

6/10

I know what it's like to have loved and lost. The shock, denial, pain and anger, followed by pathetic bargaining and finally acceptance. I know this because when I was a kid I lost someone very dear to me. I lost Bullhorn, my favourite ever GI Joe figure. He had a sniper rifle that came in his backpack in bits. Can you dig it? It needed fucking assembling! I hope he's living his life somewhere right now, occasionally thinking of me and the time we shared together. Well this is about shit like that.