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How do I know whether Taken In Hand is right for me?

Submitted by The Editor on Mon, 22/09/2003 - 23:00

How do I know whether Taken In Hand is right for me?

A Taken In Hand relationship is a fully-committed wholeheartedsexually exclusivemarriage in which, to the delight of both spouses, the man actively controls the woman. The degree of control and the way the husband retains control vary from Taken In Hand couple to Taken In Hand couple, but in all cases both husband and wife actively want the husband to have the upper hand. No matter how strong, tough and forceful a Taken In Hand wife may be, and no matter how hard she might try to take control in their marriage, she would be aghast if her husband were to let her get the upper hand. Likewise, no matter how loving, kind and considerate the husband may be, he prefers to keep his wife firmly in hand.

The husband in the relationship has a lot of power over his wife by virtue of his position at the one who is in charge. Being a good person, he wants to do no harm, so he takes care to put his wife and the relationship first.

Do you really want this kind of relationship? If you don't, it is not right for you.

Does your spouse want this kind of relationship? If not, then unless he or she changes his or her mind (and that often does happen) it is not right for you.

Does it sound like a burden or a duty to you or to your spouse? Then it is not right for you.

Are you a person who takes responsibility for your own actions, or are you a person who blames others for your problems? If you are hypercritical, angry, hyperemotional, spiteful, grudge-bearing, vengeful, defensive or tend to place blame or feel victimised, Taken In Hand is not right for you. It requires a certain maturity, kindheartedness, and the ability to forgive and let past problems go. Whether you are a man or a woman, you need to be actively aware that you are a fallible human being, and that all human beings are fallible including your spouse. It is essential that you understand that there will be mistakes, and that that does not mean that your spouse is a bad person. If either you do not or your spouse does not meet these criteria, Taken In Hand is not right for you.

Do you and your spouse each have the ability to trust the other and be vulnerable with each other, or is one or other of you a bit paranoid or distrustful? If you are the man, do you feel absolutely sure that your wife would never under any circumstances violate your trust in her by, for example, accusing you of abuse? If you are the woman, do you feel safe with your husband? Are you absolutely sure that he would never intentionally injure you or abuse you in any way? Do you each feel sure of the good character of the other? This is really very important.

How do you and your spouse each and jointly handle change? Change is stressful, even good changes. Changing your relationship in this way is a big change in most cases, and there can be all sorts of unintended consequences and unexpected events and emotions. If one or both of you is not good at handling change, Taken In Hand may not be right for you.

How have the two of you handled disagreements or incompatibilities in the past? Have you more often than not managed to handle difficulties well? Have you generally turned towards each other or have you been unable to adapt to each other? In moving your relationship in a Taken In Hand direction, you are likely to find that you will each have a different idea of what you want, and the two of you need to be able to create a path that you both like, rather than sticking rigidly to your first idea of how to proceed, otherwise Taken In Hand is not for you.

Whether you are the man or the woman in a potential Taken In Hand relationship, if to you Taken In Hand feels like a burden, it is not for you. It needs to be something you positively want, something that you think will give you pleasure and joy and passion and peace. There must be something in it for you as well as for your spouse.

[This is an answer to a frequently-asked question: this page is part of the FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post is answering the question or discussing the above post. The question is: How do I know whether Taken In Hand is right for me?]

Comments

My answer to this question would be, if you are in frequent power struggles, spend hours out of weekends in a silent treatment with the man you absolutely adore, find yourself swearing at your man, and wishing you could just get along, Taken in Hand may be what you are looking for.

If you wonder why there is a constant feeling that something is wrong or once again you have made another mistake, maybe it is your relationship roles. Perhaps having your man in charge and making the calls in your home life would make you feel cared for and secure. Especially if you admire strong men who can take charge.

Maybe you would like to feel more feminine and appreciate his masculinity more. Maybe you don't care about his feminine side and whether or not it surfaces.

Maybe you are a competent capable intelligent woman but you want to be Taken in Hand and you want a dominant man in your life.

Ask yourself some of these questions without worrying if it is politically correct. Give yourself an honest answer about what would really make you happy and if Taken In Hand would make you happy this may be the relationship style for you.

Reader discussions

Technical & admin

What people say about Taken In Hand

“[Taken In Hand] is not a regressive return to patriarchy but a more nuanced, sophisticated, informed form of relationship that is far more equal than mechanically-equal relationships! Bravo.”
- saint_UK

“[U]ntil 2 days ago I thought I was a crazy, ... abnormal
woman. [T]hen I stumbled onto the Taken in Hand website. I have never felt such relief, such internal peace in my life. This whole idea of being loved and trusting enough in another to place my, his and our well-being into his hands was exactly what I have been searching for my whole life. I spent 16 hours just reading... It is like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders.”
- Melissa

“It was my wonderful husband who made me ...see how a Taken In Hand relationship would be everything I ever wanted... Nothing... has ever changed me to such an extent... nor has anything been as liberating.”
- Peach

“[Taken In Hand is] a site advocating male led relationships, and it doesn't suffer from the flaws of BDSM that we've identified... It's a little too general, and too focused on marital relationships. But that aside, what it describes sounds a lot more authentically dominant than the BDSM I've seen. The [man is in control of the woman] in all spheres. But because he loves her and cares for her, he will behave within reason. Also, neither party has a way out, because they are married and believe marriage is for life. All that together makes this sort of relationship a lot more male dominant than typical BDSM ones. It's subversive, yet healthy and natural.”
- basilransom

“‘How does Taken In Hand help the man to feel positive about his relationship?’
Because it's SEXY. Because it allows him to dominate his woman in a loving and romantic way, which turns them both on and heats their love life up to a toasty sizzle. I see [Taken In Hand] as a chance for him to have fun flexing his manhood muscles and enjoy the thrill of dominating the woman he loves. That way it's a win-win situation for both of them. And it deepens the romantic bonds of love between us because few things can liven up a marriage like deep sexual passion.”
- DeeMarie

“[I]n Taken In Hand, I am enhancing and extending my power as a woman, and enriching my life and personality. I give up NOTHING, and gain the world.... [M]y perception of Taken In Hand is that there are few other venues that can compare for teaching men the responsible, healthy uses of power. It gives men skills and confidence they can use not just in their sexual relationships, but also with their children, in their professions, and out in the community. Taken In Hand requires a far higher level of courage, sacrifice, responsibility, and personal integrity than many [men] will even think to aspire to.”
- Sara

“Taken In Hand is about having the man in charge because you like it like that, it's not about blind obedience or never having your own way about anything.”
- Louise

“The Taken in Hand website has proven to be a valuable source for intelligent and well thought out articles exploring [male-led relationships]. [...] For women who have longed for a relationship such as this and have no idea where to start, this is a great site for you. For men that want to better understand the whole concept from a women’s point of view, this site is a must read.”
- Michael Masterson

“If you think my perspective on dating isn't politically correct you should go read Taken In Hand. [It has] posts with titles like, When rape is a gift. You go, girl. Defy those hairy-armpitted feminists and enjoy yourself. :)”
- Jacqueline Passey

“There are lots of websites for people in the BDSM, D/s, DD (domestic discipline) and spanking communities. There are websites for people who belong to religions that advocate male-head-of-household marriage. There are even websites for Christians who are interested in BDSM. But there are very few websites for people who are interested in male-led intimate relationships but who are not interested in all that the above communities associate with this kind of relationship (jargon, clothes, etc.)
Some of us don't even like thinking of this as a lifestyle. [...]
If you are interested in this kind of relationship but are not interested in BDSM or D/s or DD or spanking websites, there's a new website for you: Taken In Hand”
- Tom Newman

“Taken in Hand is a fascinating site. It’s refreshing to hear women speaking in those terms, standing up for core desires that are, for many people, an unpopular view...
What these women want, and apparently have found, is an experience and feeling of freedom to simply be who they desire to be. They have found REAL MEN.”
- J. Martinez

“If you're looking for real people who live a "male-led" relationship... check out the Taken In Hand site, which I found so much more colorful than Fifty Shades of Grey.”
- Kim

“[Taken In Hand is] a necessary read... Very complex, lots of power shifts, combining respect with [control], and pleasure. [...] The whole shebang. I'm glad I found it.”
- Dutchman

“Taken In Hand... is the name of a website that I discovered less than two years ago and which made a big difference to my life. It made me understand what it was I wanted and helped me to come to terms with my own feelings and gave me the impetus to talk seriously to my husband about our relationship for the first time ever really.”
- Louise C

“[Taken In Hand is] one of the most exciting sites on the internet!”
- Malcolm

“[T]he whole damn site really is one of the most well articulated (pro/con) loaded blogs I've seen. It provides a cross section of how people are feeling out there even amongst those who are “seemingly” natural allies.”
- zbigdogX

“As I view it, I'm a control freak. I love to be in control. However, I fantasize about that control being stripped from me and handed over to someone else....namely, my husband. I'm just glad I found a site that makes me realize I'm not a freak for wanting [a Taken In Hand relationship]”
- GypsyGirl

““[Taken In Hand is] a wonderful website [...] [I]t's about the interpersonal dynamics of loving relationships where the man is the boss. [I]t's assumed that both partners are in it because that's what they want and have chosen. Also, unlike many other “traditional marriage” sites, it's not coming from any sort of biblical perspective. ... Some of the best writing I've seen on these topics, from a variety of authors.”
- Dee

“Taken In Hand is actually a very important site for me and it helped a great deal in realizing how much women in general like to be dominated in their sexual relationship.”
- Athol Kay

“Taken In Hand is male led but male intimately led. ... I do like the Taken In Hand focus on family and the focus that marriage is between one man and one woman. That is actually very important to me.”
- Frank Nelson

“Innately, women look for men able to take charge and come to despise the man failing to live up to that instinctive expectation.
Over the next several years—as footloose and fancy-free lifestyles become increasingly fraught with dubious outcomes amid turbulent circumstances—finding and maintaining stable relationships will become imperative. Although by no means a perfect solution for all problems, Taken In Hand can solve or reduce many marital difficulties.”
- Noone

“The answer to every single discussion is there. Best piece of text I read ever...And it rings SO true.”
- Revan

“What a wonderful website. ... [S]o much of this I can relate to my life. ... It has been a while since I have read a website that was “different” than most.”
- Carla

“This website is just what I have been looking for for ages—but did not even know it! Have become weary of [other] sites, etc. They never really properly address the psychological components, all the subtleties [...] [A]nyway, thanks so much for existing, I have been telling my friends...hope your website sticks around forever!”
- A Girl From Texas