#PeterParker

What in theeeeeeeee hell are we all doing? Jagoff Parkers, other wise known as #PeterParkers still come in… multiple times per week> What are we all missing??????

We think the answer is COURTESY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like at this guy.. he has that special rack on the back…. it looks pretty clean soooooooooooo wondering if he’s like those I.T. execs that buy hoopty-doo 4-wheel drive pick ups that are so decked out with chrome that they look like a parade wagon and never REALLY go four-wheeling….. only getting REAL dirt on them when they run over the horse droppings along the parade route!!!

Here’s the Facebook note that came with the pic:

as if it weren’t hard enough to get a parking place at Ikea on a Saturday you have people like this…

Oh wait!!! Maybe they put that PERTY LIL’ cage on the back so that they could load up with 5 or 6 Slurfingggibuker’s from IKEA. Of course we made that name up but so does IKEA!! And, it is our impression, that a Slurfingggibuket is probably an IKEA night stand or a full dining room set.. it just depends on how many of those cool screws and clips you purchase in aisle 3, bin #4.

And then we have MERCY, MERCY Mercedes….

Tons of spots all over but nope…. they have to park right on the line… not a care in the world. It came with a tweet that said,

You are an a$@!hole…

Well Mercy-Me.. you may indeed be one of those but you are also clearly a #PeterParker Parking Jagoff tooooo!!

Perhaps you needed this space to unload the kids’ combo-playstation-X-Box-Ninja-Turtle-StarWars-expandable-Lego-life-sized-bridge kits to take into the restaurant to occupy them during dinner so that they don’t bother anyone, OR YOU, during eating. Orrrrrrrrrr you coulda just parked correctly AND, correct your kids and make them actually sit still during dinner like our parents did!!!!!!

As you know, when it comes to posting people here we believe in “Don’t hate, EDUCATE!” But all of the potential education sessions we have offered seem to be ineffective.

The bottom line Mercy-Me and Hummer-Bird… we’re just going to pitch that all parking lots be installed with REVERSE GUILLOTINE’s along all of the parking lines. Basically, if your car is left parked over a line for more than 120 seconds… BOOM.. the REVERSE GUILLOTINE shoots up and cuts your car in half… long ways, cross ways…(if parked like the hummer over 4 spaces.. basically, the REVERSE GUILLOTINE slices and dices your car!!!!)

The message is pretty simply.. LEARN HOW TO PARK, Ya Jagoffs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Any of you have ideas for RE-education or punishment? leave a comment below.

Special thanks to @MikeDarnay, @mikeyp3258, and Sandie Mackintosh, (Facebook) for being Honorary Jagoff Catchers for today’s blog post!!!

We still seem to have a bunch of Honorary Jagoff Catchers out there checking for “Peter Parkers.” The inbox, Twitter feed, Facebook and Instagram feeds are full of ’em! They continue to come from Hawaii, Minnesota…you name it.

But this one, is from our own back yard… the North Side. Here’s the message that was with the photo on the Instagram post:

the white van is the van I’m driving. Person who parked in front of me is a #Jagoff

So the question is, did this person KNOW what they were doing and try to pin the white van in? Or where they doing the in-the-middle-of-talking-on-the-phone-grabbing-their-backpack-looking-for-parking-meter-change-in-their-cup-holder-trying-to-press-their-remote-lock-and-get-outta-the-car-in-a-hurry maneuver?

Wait! Maybe the person driving the SUV was interested in changing their car’s transmission on their lunch hour so left enough room in the front to drag in a transmission hoist!

Or, is it possible that this particular driver is used to driving a transit bus with one of those bike racks on the front?

FYI, we think it’s literally impossible to get out of your car, look at that parking job and say, “Yeah, that looks good!”

Sooooooooooo, Rubber-Baby-Bump-My-Bumper (see what we just did there), “space” is more than something that you “took up” in high school. It’s what Mr. Van Guy would have appreciated behind your HORRIBLE parking job.

In the past, we have recommended to others like the Mr. Van Guy to which this has happened, to go get a nice warm drink, sit with it relaxing on some bench across the street and, when you came back to your SUV, have them take their THUMB AND POINTING FINGER IN THE PINCHING POSITION, and pretend to squish your head over and over from many angles like we were in 4th grade.

In the meantime SUV driver, Mr. Van Guy would appreciate it, while you’re there, if you can use your vehicle-back-up camera to check him for polyps. You’re certainly close enough, Ya Jagoff!

It seems that we have a bunch of Honorary Jagoff Catchers out there checking for “Peter Parkers.” The inbox, Twitter feed, Facebook and Instagram feeds are full of ’em! So let’s get through a few of some classic catches.

The top pic might be one of the craziest Peter Parkers EVER caught on camera. Basically what ya see is that some Renta-trucker decided to stop at a plaza. And he/she parked RIGHT IN BETWEEN the parallel lines. The bad news… um.. well.. they seemed to forget that there was a driving lane behind them. At press time, we were still unsure if this Renta-trucker was making air-horn and CB noises as they drove off.

Then we have this one….

Ya know what came to mind when we saw that pic where one car followed the other in parking crooked? Our mother yelling, “If your friend Mike jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?“

Then look at the H3 that, well, take a look first…

If this H3 had Truck Nutz on it’s bumper and yellow lines could swift-kick, well <<< GULP>>> the guys understand the potential pain. The only REAL explanation for this is that, due to the price of gas, this driver did his best to pull into a spot for an emergency landing as he was running out of gas and used the yellow line as the runway strip!!!! He is now waiting for a 3rd mortgage to get another fill-up.

But WAIT!! It’s not over yet….

Maybe this was “Daniel Tiger” from Mr. Rogers Neighborhood parking here and the stripes indicate HIS (meeow) very own parking spot (meeow-meeow). Either that, or this was one of those self empowering “I only have 1 item to return so I’ll park here for 10 minutes, oh wait I need lunch in the food court too” situations.

And then look at this…

Haaaaa… we HOPE this was out in front of a NAPA Auto Parts store… looks like both could use a few parts. Maybe they were actually hoping to wish upon a star and touch bumpers at sundown (like those pee-in-a-fountain-at-the-same-time-and-change-lives-movies) and merge the two cars into ONE GOOD ONE!!!

And finally, all the way from Hawaii….

At first maybe you think it’s one of those sidewalk murals made with chalk… the ones that make you think you’re looking down in a whole or something. This is a complete MISS!!! Surely this driver, even if it’s a female,with this kind of AIMING DISABILITY has dried urine all over the base of their toilet at home.

The question is….. are these circumstances of poor driving or inconsiderate humans? The SJU (Special Jagoff Unit) is still investigating.

Meantime, we STILL propose the same fix to Peter Parkers, hire some of the guys that manage those parking lots around pro football stadiums to work THESE lots during the week. Ya know, those guys that charge $45 CASH for every spot you take? We guarantee that will teach these drivers how to park in ONLY one spot because, at THAT rate, EVERYONE figures out how to squeeze their Winnebago-and-trailer-tailgate-wagon into a spot the size of a Smart Car, Ya Jagoffs!