Thinking, about cycling. "Anybody whose mind is proud enough not to breed true secretly carries a bomb at the back of his brain; and so I suggest, just for the fun of the thing, taking that private bomb and carefully dropping it upon the model city of commonsense." (This blog began as an archive of DYNAMITE!, the newsletter of London Dynamo cycling club, which you can still access via "DYNAMITE! filed" in the list below on the left.)

Archive for the 'DYNAMITE! filed' Category

Here, awaiting the attention of your curious nature, irrepressible sense of fun and unquestionable good taste is the entire ruddy run of DYNAMITE!, unearthed from the famous soundproof bunker of Dynamo Towers and transmogrified into blog entries for each of its 209 reasonably distracting issues.

I tagged a few of them until I realised you can pretty much find everything you want by using the search box in the handy column on the left. Simply type in the name of a race or sportive, and Bob’s your proverbial. For names, use surnames only or just the Dynamoniker if you can actually remember it. The publication dates are two digits for day, month and year, separated by a point – so to search for, say, June 2008, type ‘.06.08’. The full stop before the month will make the search more accurate. (Important point: I have no idea what I’m talking about, but let’s just run with it and see what happens.)

Brickbats and tip-o-the-hats welcome. And finally, big thanks to the Dynamazing Alex Bastin, Jason Green and Martin Garrett for supplying the missing issues. Couldn’t have done it without you, fellas!

WE’RE OFF!
The man in the official BCF jacket has graciously ushered us off the start line, and so we begin the inaugural edition of the London Dynamo Newsletter. Like a nervous cat 4 rider in his first race, the handling of this weekly organ is remarkably poor and tactically naïve – but with a gentle tailwind of goodwill from you, the kind reader, we’ll pass the chequered flag without the help of St John’s Ambulance. Here comes the first bend…

…AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT IF IT WASN’T FOR THAT PESKY KID!
Damn and blast! MARTIN WILLIAMSON missed his moment of glory when he let three riders escape at Barcombe on Sunday – which, at 90km of twisty road, was this week’s toughest race for London Dynamo. He correctly predicted that two of the trio would fall back – but he didn’t realise that the third rider was a certain Heathrow-based wonderkid who didn’t need any help to eventually win by a country mile. Martin, who later featured in a brief two-man break with Sigma’s Niall Digby before finishing third, notes ruefully: “If I knew it was Lewis Atkins, I would have chased.” But he refused to be down in the dumps over his thwarted chance to draft into second place or even clinch the top spot. “I had a great race,” he beams, “grinning all the way.” You’re not supposed to enjoy yourself, man – this is cycling! Hopefully TOM DAVIES, who finished 20th, provided a counterbalance to Martin’s unaccountable happiness by grumbling throughout the day.

THE THRUX OF THE MATTER
London Dynamo’s quiet man TOM HEMMANT came third at Thruxton’s cat 3 race on Saturday, giving him this week’s second biggest result for the club. Well done, sir! But despite contesting a bunch sprint to bag eight points, the humble rider was keen to shine the limelight on two other Dyna-mates, RICHARD DOLBY and CHRIS CHAPMAN, who came 6th and 9th respectively in the cat 4 event. Tom reveals: “Chris and Richard are both new members who have joined within the last two weeks and this was their first experience of road racing.” Step forward at the next Parkride, boys, and receive a hearty handshake from club secretary PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN, which I’m sure you’ll agree is an ample reward for such a great effort.

QUAD A BUNCH OF IDIOTS
Meanwhile, the cat 4 race at Eastway was livened up by the unannounced arrival of two men riding a quad bike. The pair shot along the strait, dangerously close to the riders, before disappearing into the foliage – but not before CHRIS CAMPBELL exchanged ungentlemanly words with them at full volume. Hopefully, the women riders present covered their ears. Chris ended up a respectable 12th while his race mate ALEX BALFOUR came a none-too-shabby 14th. The 2/3/4 race saw RORY PARK put in a few training laps before graciously retiring while pocket rocket RUSSELL SHORT decided to spare his opponents an early season drubbing by declining to engage in the sprint. That’s right – leave ’em wanting more, Rusty!

WHAT DO POINTS MAKE?
Headaches, apparently. With so many great results flooding into Dynamo Towers, our club secretary Paul is finding it difficult to keep track of how many points each of you is accumulating. Nevertheless, he has kindly agreed to run a season-long points competition in association with London Dynamo Newsletter – which, obviously, will appear in future editions of this very publication. Extra marks will be awarded for crashes delivered with style and flair. Exactly how often the tally will appear in the Newsletter is undecided – but every week looks unlikely as its just too much work. But hey – if it turns out to be once a month, then it’s something that everyone will really look forward to, isn’t it?

IT’S ALL OVER!
We’re now back in the clubhouse tucking into the fruitcakes and fig newtons – and despite a cat 1 rider sneering at our lukewarm bottle of Lucozade Sport between swigs of his PSP22 bidon, it has to be said that this has been an enjoyable and valuable experience for everyone involved. As new Dynamo member GUY POWDRILL might say, it’s been a tough Newsletter, but a fair one. Don’t forget you can meet all, some or perhaps two of the stars mentioned in this missive at the second Dynamo social evening this Monday at A Bar 2 Far in The Griffin Centre, Market Place, Kingston, from 7.30pm onwards. Bike parking is available, apparently. And now, with the sun gingerly peeking out, coyly inviting eager cyclists all over London to come out and play, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES
SATURDAY
The Parkride, Roehampton Gate, 9am. Three to four laps of Richmond Park split into fast/intermediate/steady.

SUNDAY
Hampton Court bridge, 9am for Surrey Hills ride. 50ish miles at a steady pace. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink and a watch set to British Summer Time. (Rusty and Paul!)

AND REMEMBER…
London Dynamo Newsletter would be nothing without you, the noble reader. So remember to keep those results and reports coming in. Deadline is Wednesday morning for Friday’s mailout. news@londondynamo.co.uk.

LOVELY BUBBLY
Champagne corks have been popping in the Newsletter bunker all week following the publication of our first instalment – and it’s all down to you, the discerning and satisfied reader. True to form, the ever-competitive RUSSELL SHORT “wanted to be the first to say ‘thanks'”, but he was pipped at the post by early bird MARTIN GARRETT who echoed the thoughts of literally several Dynamo members when he wrote: “Top newsletter, guys – keep up the good work.” Cheers, mate – and get well soon. Martin had quite a tumble on Saturday, but before we put you in the “frame”, as it were, we had better get down to the serious business of welding another exclusive, custom-built, double-butted edition of your favourite cycling-related weekly email update. Now where’s that top tube…

SWEET-EST FEELING
If the proof of the pudding is in the eating, then in WARRICK SPENCE’s case that pudding was a large helping of Goodwood. And London Dynamo’s greedy mile-eater had only one message for his hungry foes on Sunday: eat my wheel. Unfortunately, Warrick arrived late and only had time to take two bites of a sandwich before lining up on the start line – which meant he risked failing to serve up just desserts to the other riders by being short on fuel. Novices, take note! Nevertheless, the underfed antipodean still managed to notch up a thrilling 37mph along the flat course’s silky- smooth surface as he chased the leading bunch on his own for a thigh-shredding three laps. Ouch! The final 30 miles saw him polish off all his energy drink and gulp down a gel before bonking badly as an attack emerged with four laps to go. Luckily the leading bunch had already lapped the field, so the super-strong Cyclefit technician rode away into the vicious headwind to finish alone and claim 4th place. “A very hard race,” admits Warrick, “with a very strong wind. Next time I will leave earlier and eat before the race.” And to make sure that he does, we’re awarding Warrick the London Dynamo Newsletter Result Of The Week Hamper, which contains a boxful of rubbery energy bars left over from Cyclefit’s Mallorca training camp, a bucket of flapjacks, and a gorilla-sized portion of bananas. Meanwhile, point-scoffer MARTIN WILLIAMSON served up a side order of Dynamo action in the cat 3 race by staying with a break for a heart-throbbing 31 miles. Martin boasts that the group “had ages on the pack” and he sprinted to 4th place, leaving him just three tantalising points short of category 2. We know you’ll do it next time, chum! And in the cat 4 race, international man of leisure CHRIS WARD came a perfectly decent 17th – and then wrote something perfectly indecent on the Dynamo forum about his wife. Let’s just say they enjoyed a pre-race feast of a different kind and we’ll move swiftly onto the next course…

THERE’S GOLD IN THEM THAR HILLINGDON
Yee-haa! Eager cat 4 riders prospecting for points should saddle up and head to wild west London for the Hillingdon Tuesday series, where relatively easy placings are going faster than a banjo player’s right arm. This week’s enormously well-attended gold rush was under 20 miles – that’s less than three-quarters of a Parkride, for flip’s sake! – and the whole race was over in less than 35 minutes. (It remains a mystery why the BC guys clocked the winner’s time at 48m 20s…) With the presence of a big Dynamo posse, the club could easily repeat the dominating success of the beginners’ races. But we need to move quickly, Dyna-mates! The course isn’t floodlit, so the races will get longer and tougher as the sun sets later each week. Hopefully the weather will improve on the soaking-wet season opener which saw ROB TUBBS finish 8th, despite being boxed in as he came out of the final bend. Big girl’s blouse CHRIS CAMPBELL, who was the only other Dynamo rider in the cat 4 race, wimped out on the slippery circuit by sitting at the back for safety – until he grabbed the wheel of a passing Sigma rider on the last lap and propelled himself into 10th place. Don’t be such a sissy next time, boy! Meanwhile, in the E/1/2/3 race, the withdrawal of GUY ‘CAPTAIN MAINWARING’ ANDREWS just before the final sprint proved to be a little short-sighted – the optically-challenged sergeant major dropped out because he couldn’t see a bloody thing in the rapidly-approaching darkness. Parkriders have the Newsletter’s express permission to volubly berate the bellowing taskmaster for making such a poor excuse. The boot’s on the other foot now, pal!

FALL GUYS
On Thursday afternoon we paid an official Newsletter visit to the Royal Free hospital in Whitechapel where injured rider MARTIN GARRATT is recovering from a serious crash on Saturday’s Parkride. Martin was riding with a group of around 12 people at about 30 mph when his front wheel slipped on the rain-slicked tarmac after negotiating the big descent. He hit the deck hard and brought down De Laune rider Nick Butler who was riding with us. Martin ended up with crushed ribs, a collapsed lung and a broken femur, yet he seems to be surprisingly chipper. He’s been doing well in physiotherapy, the lung has healed well and he hopes to be back on the turbo in a month. We also gave Dynamo’s injured party something to smile about by presenting him with the latest edition of Cycling Weekly. If the Comic doesn’t get him laughing, then nothing will! See if you can get yourself to the Mary ward on the third floor of the east wing before he cracks another rib laughing at Tony Bell’s light-hearted leering at girls with big bottoms during a press junket in Trinidad. Visiting hours are 9am-1pm and 3pm-10pm and the hospital is opposite Whitechapel tube. PAUL CALLINAN reports that Nick Butler, who dislocated his hip, may be leaving hospital this weekend. An update on his progress would be greatly appreciated – email news@londondynamo.co.uk if you have any more info.

ALL’S WELD THAT ENDS WELL
We’ve come to the point where we can turn off the blowtorch, flip up our visor and take a long, satisfied look at the precision craftsmanship that has gone into the creation of this gleaming Newsletter. We can be proud of its stiffness and gleaming finish, even if a few sentences are the equivalent of wishbone chainstays – a little flashy but of absolutely no practical use. Always remember that while we are the frame, you are the groupset, the wheels and, dare we say it, the saddle. So keep your race results and reports coming into news@londondynamo.co.uk. Deadline is Wednesday morning for Friday’s edition. And now, as we lovingly smear GT-85 over the tubes, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES
SATURDAY
The Parkride, Roehampton Gate, 9am. Three to four laps of Richmond Park split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.

EGGS-TRAORDINARY!
After months of nesting beneath the ample bottoms of Keith ‘Mother Hen’ Butler and the wise old birds at British Cycling, the real start of the season finally hatched from its shell with an egg-stra large programme of races during the reasonably warm Easter weekend. And like a hungry, vicious chicken sprung from the battery farm, London Dynamo pecked out top ten places in every type of cycle discipline you could think of this past week – a feat equalled by no other club. Eager Dyna-mates ruffled feathers at crits, on the track, at a triathlon, a time trial and even during a three-day stage race. As Michael Jackson out of Bo Selecta! might say: Chick our bad selves! So without any more clucking around, let’s find out how the club that everyone is calling the squawk of the town came to rule the roost…

FIRST PAST THE BOAST
Crafty Kiwi WARRICK SPENCE can already boast one first – he won Eastway’s inaugural fastest lap competition last year. Now the powerful pace master can add yet another fantastic first to his bulging palmares in the form of the green jersey from the Surrey League Easter 3-Day stage race in Milland Valley, Goodwood and Walliswood. The organisers had never run a points competition before and Warrick conquered the race’s 237 miles to come out on top. Well done, sir! The shy and retiring Cyclefit technician, who came 8th in the general classification, will probably be even more pleased to hear that he has also bagged the London Dynamo Newsletter Result Of The Week competition for the second week running. A moth-eaten woollen jersey is winging its way to Macklin Street as we speak!

TURBO POWER
Cyclefit guru PHIL CAVELL pointed out in Mallorca that GUY POWDRILL has a “massive engine” – and the towering triathlete really put his foot on the gas for the aptly named Thames Turbo triathlon on Monday. The first race in the series, which was held at the glamorous Lower Sunbury Leisure Centre, saw Powdrill power his way to 5th place in a staggering field of 225 competitors. Guy said: “It was very, very cold. It took the engine quite a while to get started.” The split times tell a different story – he was 2nd in the swim and 3rd on the bike, which suggests there was plenty of warmth surging beneath the bonnet. And talking of heat…

WHAT A SCORCHER!
Dashing MARTIN WILLIAMSON had his boyish good looks tarnished at Goodwood on Easter Sunday when the sun came out and turned his face a delicate shade of crimson. The cat 3 event, which was one of the 3- Day support races, saw him getting into a two-man break early on before wisely dropping back when he realised the ridiculously large field were hanging them out to dry. Martin only needed 8th place in the 50-mile race to go up a category, but he went off at the front with less than half a lap to go, held a gap and nailed 1st place. TOM HEMMANT, who contested the sprint to nab 7th and yet another misspelled entry on the finishing sheet, said of his team-mate’s closing tactic: “It was an impressive move as there seemed to be plenty of strong riders in the bunch.” As if that praise wasn’t enough, Martin now enters the cat 2 world of pain for his efforts. Well done, that man! The ever-humble Hemmant also acclaims JOHN OLDRIDGE for managing to pull off a number of attacks, even though he had been racing at Milland Hill the previous day. Meanwhile, PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN saved the blushes of a few elite and cat 1 riders by graciously coming 9th in the E/1/2 support race. Nice move – never let them know how strong you are, buddy!

THAT FRIDAY FEELING
Good grief! In addition to winning the 3-Day points jersey, lucky old WARRICK SPENCE got an extra-special treat on Good Friday when he visited Herne Hill with GUY ‘CAPTAIN MAINWARING’ ANDREWS. You won’t believe this, but lining the track and actually showing more than a passing interest in the respectable field of seasoned trackies on road bikes was an actual honest-to-goodness audience. This kind of thing just doesn’t happen on a wet Saturday in Lee Valley – or anywhere else for that matter! The Dynamo-ic duo whipped the crowd into a frenzy when they formed part of a four-man break in the last five laps which ended with Warrick grabbing 3rd and Guy 5th. Dynamo’s chief whip reports the pace was “very fast” – and it got even quicker towards the end of the 70 laps. Phew! Guy also took 3rd place at the Bishops Stortford time trial on Monday, clocking up 1hr 12min 27 secs on the hilly and technical 27.5 mile course. It was his quickest time on the circuit, so make sure you congratulate him before he barks an exacting command at you during the next Parkride.

BUM DEAL
The Goodwood sun didn’t quite make it to Great Milton in Oxfordshire for Thames Velo’s Easter Road Races on Sunday – but lone Dynamo rider DAVID WILLIAMS wasn’t in an overcast mood. He came 2nd in the 3/4/W/J race which earned him enough points to become a cat 2 rider. That’s two new 2s in one week! Unfortunately he came a cropper at his first 2/3/4 event in Ockley the next day where he “discovered one of the fundamental facts of bike racing – lycra does not provide much protection from a hard and gravelly road.” David reckons he will be back racing this weekend – once he has finished picking the remnants of his Campag shorts out of an intimate part of his anatomy. That’s rear-ly painful, chum!

SHORT STORY
Tenacious GUY ANDREWS, our man stuck in the pack at Hillingdon, dropped the Newsletter a quick note to say that he witnessed compact killer RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT coming 7th in Tuesday’s E/1/2/3 race after a good lead out and a great sprint. Meanwhile, ROB TUBBS described his race in the 4/W/J event as “fruitless – except for the banana that I ate before the race.” Don’t be so harsh, Rob! Eleventh place may not be a peach of a result, but it’s not a total fig-up!

BEYOND OUR KEN
Enigmatic antipodean KEN BUIST came 29th at Saturday’s race at Milland Hill. That, we’re afraid, is all we know. The wily renegade’s movements are usually a mystery to the Newsletter at the best of times and this was certainly no exception. Did you witness him racing or have you seen him on a ride recently? Then email news@londondynamo.co.uk. If we get enough responses, then we’ll start a regular feature called Ken Watch with a Buistometer for the number of sightings per week. He loves the attention really!

GOING GLOBAL
That just about wraps up the phenomenal race action for this week – and with news of so many superb results winging their way to the London Dynamo nerve centre, race secretary PAUL CALLINAN is set to have another sleepless night feeding all of your points into the club’s supercomputer. But what’s this? He’s slipped a note under the Newsletter bunker’s door: “Can you get the riders to let me know if they change category so I can track them on my global team tracking spreadsheet?” Consider them globalised, Paul. Which only leaves us to remind you, as ever, about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES

SATURDAY
The Parkride, Roehampton Gate, 9am. Three to four laps of Richmond Park split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.

SUNDAY
Hampton Court bridge, 9am for Surrey Hills ride. 50ish miles at a steady pace. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink and a bawdy anecdote for the top of Box Hill.

+++STOP PRESS!+++
Chief clothing technician GUY ANDREWS has dropped a bombshell – the long- awaited London Dynamo team kit should be ready this weekend! He points out, however, that this is the third assurance he has had and adds: “Don’t watch this space.” There’s always a fly in the ointment!

WE KID YOU NOT!
Every issue of the London Dynamo Newsletter comes with a sturdy, titanium-edged guarantee that we’re giving you the truth, the whole truth and nothing double- butt the truth. That promise is put to the test in this edition as we narrate a series of tales that are not only unexpected, but which also seem as ludicrous as some of the mountain bikes that occasionally make it to the top of Box Hill. Yet every word we recount to the eager ears of you, the ever-trusting reader, is completely true. So, in the manner of an old, great, yet faintly sinister storyteller sitting in his study dressed in a smoking jacket while puffing indulgently on a pipe, we ask you to gather round a roaring fire as we open a heaving tome containing this week’s unbelievable yarns…

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT…
…well, not exactly stormy, but the Heavens did open as CHRIS WARD, GUY POWDRILL, NICK PEACOCK, ROB TUBBS, CHRIS CAMPBELL and a few other plucky cat 4 riders made their way home from a night of spills at Hillingdon. An all-time record of 140 riders – yes, open-jawed reader, 140 – were packed onto the circuit, so naturally the crash fairy paid a visit as the 84-strong E/1/2/3 peloton tried to pass 56 cat 4s crammed into the bend after the strait. Messy stuff – but thankfully no-one was seriously injured. Riders at the front of the 4/W/J race didn’t realise there had been a crash so they escaped like headless chickens while those behind the collision slowed to a halt, dashing their chances of staying with the pack. Cheerio, NICK PEACOCK and CHRIS CAMPBELL! Dynamo’s hopes for glory now rested on the thighs of Guy Powdrill’s sizeable twin cylinders – but he was scuppered by sun-tanned International Man Of Leisure Chris Ward as they sprinted for the line. The easy-going jet-setter, who came 23rd at the second Rumble at Eastway on Saturday, chose the wrong time to relax as he veered to the right and brought a couple of riders down. But Ward you believe it – he was left unscathed and upright! “Powerhouse” Powdrill avoided coming down by “doing a Lance” onto the grass but his chances of nabbing some shiny, pristine BCF points were over – as were those of the ten or so riders who had also been in contention. Chris – and we’re not making this up – is due to be press-ganged into boarding an 18th century ship for a Master And Commander-style reality TV show. You better get on that boat as soon as possible, pal – there’s gonna be a few riders baying for your blood in the harbour! Meanwhile, grumpy GUY ANDREWS sums up how he and RUSSELL SHORT got on in the big boys’ race: “I was crap. Rusty was crap too. I pulled out before the sprint – too dark, too fast, too miserable.” Oh dear! he doesn’t even mention how handy mechanic SAM HUMPHESON got on! And to make matters worse, Guy P got a puncture in each tyre after hitting a pothole on the Uxbridge Road as he made his way home with his cat 4 buddies. The spoils of this incredible evening can be summed up one pithy phrase – London Dynamo: nul point. We told you that this edition would be hard to believe!

WALL OR NOTHING
Category 2 virgin MARTIN WILLIAMSON went all the way with the Ladies – the 2/3/4/J/W event at Ladies Mile, that is. Sunday’s 5-lap race of the 50-mile course was decided on a hill named, quite ominously, The Wall, which managed to split up the pack quite effectively. Martin went with RUSSELL SHORT in the chasing group which emerged on the second climb of the hill. Meanwhile, PAUL “CANNONBALL” CALLINAN and TOM DAVIES bided their time in the main pack. But there was a bitter sting in the tail! Martin reveals that nobody realised that the finish was off the circuit – so Rusty, thinking the race ended at the top of the hill, had hung back and was accidentally dropped. You could say he thought it was Wall over – well it is now! Martin says he “cocked up” his sprint – yet he still managed to come a creditable 15th while Paul and Tom finished 29th and 30th respectively. But wait! Who is that shadowy figure stooped over his deep blue Terry Dolan in fourth place? It can’t be! Yes it is – it’s… KEN BUIST!!!

KEN WATCH!
Which brings us neatly to a great new section of the Newsletter where you tell us all about your sightings of London Dynamo’s mystery man. Obviously we can’t run this feature every week as the enigmatic Aussie’s movements are hard to pin down, but we are grateful to GUY POWDRILL for getting us off to a fantastic start. The lanky property broker, who came 8th in the cat 4 race at Eastway on Saturday, spotted Ken in Condor Cycles, Grays Inn Road, “about four weeks ago.” Guy writes: “Ken was wearing a blue overcoat and had been meeting a client in the Holborn area. He looked smart but casual. The time must have been circa 4pm – what better time to peruse one of London’s premier cycling retailers? Ken spotted me while I was admiring some Assos knee-warmers. We chatted briefly about – you guessed it – stems. I bought the knee warmers and then left. The last time I saw Ken was downstairs discussing frames with a staff member. We parted with a tearful wave. The entire incident couldn’t have lasted more than 6 minutes.” This is brilliant stuff! Meanwhile, an on-the-mend MARTIN GARRETT mentions on the London Dynamo forum that Ken provided him with some dubious reading material while he was in hospital. Do you know what was in those brown paper bags? Or have you met the great man in one of the capital’s top cycle emporiums? Then email news@londondynamo.co.uk with the details. We’d love to hear from you – and we know Ken is also keen to read all about his random meetings in the next newsletter!

WET A GUY…
Super-fit Cyclefit technician WARRICK SPENCE once again bags the London Dynamo Newsletter Result Of The Week for grabbing third place in torrential conditions at the Cycle Kingdom Classic. Sunday’s race in Liphook saw the crafty Kiwi almost freeze his hands off in the inclement conditions. We’ll leave it at that because, frankly, Warrick’s been getting more than his fair share of coverage in the Newsletter over the past few weeks due to a bumper crop of great results. Give us a break, buddy!

…AND WHAT A LADY!
At last, we have some none-male news to report. Mallorca veteran REBECCA STUBBS got 2nd female in the Kingston 10-mile time trial, clocking up 27mins 08secs. And there’s more! The women’s national team series near Nottingham on Sunday was won by GB rider Charlotte Goldsmith – and Rebecca finished at the head of the second bunch in the 80km race. You can congratulate her at Richmond Park very soon. Rebecca is easy to spot at the Parkride – she’s the one who’s a woman!

KRAUT OF ORDER
Sadly, last week’s kit update was a little premature. Disappointed GUY ANDREWS, London Dynamo’s Minister for Clothing, has admitted that our devilishly attractive uniforms are still not with us – and in keeping with this week’s theme of tall tales, he has revealed a startling development to the never- ending story. The kits have gone missing somewhere between here and Germany, but to prove they still exist, the supplier has sent Guy a photo of the jerseys and shorts. Isn’t this what they do with hostages just before asking for more money? Give them what they want, Guy – we need those outfits, dead or alive!

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT
Whoops! We forgot to mention last week that there was a training event going on at Eelmore. Sorry – we’ll get the hang of this Newsletter thing one day! But our mistake doesn’t really matter – because Guy Andrews is now planning to hold what he grandly calls a “masterclass” in road race training and tactics over an “evening or two”. London Dynamo’s chief whip adds: “I might charge a small fee, but it seems there are several riders who need a little helping hand.” Ward-ever could he mean? Anyone who is interested should email guy@pressurepr.co.uk – and he adds tantalisingly that cycle maintenance classes will be starting at Cyclefit “very soon”.

AND SO, THE END
The final page in this hefty volume has finally been turned. We hope you enjoyed the strange tales from the Book of Dynamo and will tune in next week for another nail-biting instalment. Results, race reports and anything else you might care to offer should be electro-mailed to news@londondynamo.co.uk by Wednesday AM at the latest. And now, with the clouds gradually shifting to finally offer the brimming, burning, celestial dawn of summer, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES
Or rather, let’s NOT remind you to get ready for the first truly warm ride of the year. It’s a terrible, final twist in the tale, Dyna-mates – the Parkride is been CANCELLED for the next TWO WEEKS! Road works are underway in Richmond Park making it impossible to run a group ride safely. But the Newsletter did make an official inspection on Thursday morning and we can report that individual riders should find the route partly negotiable for the time being – provided you don’t mind a tiny bit of off-roading. Never mind, because there is still…

KIT HITS THE FANS
After months in the making, it has attained a status in Dynamo circles almost as mythical as the Golden Fleece. Some cynics believed its existence was just an old fable passed down by cycling heroes of yore, while others, such as Homeric orator GUY ANDREWS, spoke feverishly of an epic journey across distant lands which would one day end in Covent Garden. But now, by Zeus, it has finally arrived, giving dozens of delirious Dyna-mates cause to praise the great goddess Polly Ester for lavishing the official London Dynamo Team Kit upon us. And, of course, your fashion-conscious Newsletter darted into the Cyclefit changing room as soon as we could to take part in this historic event. Now where did that strap from our bib shorts go…

THE KIT LIST
Within minutes of Monday’s official announcement, we witnessed literally several people racing down to Macklin Street to get themselves kitted up. Blonde bombshell NICK PEACOCK wasn’t going to let a crash stop him from showing off his fabulous figure in a brand-new skin-tight Dynamo 2004 outfit – but his efforts to be the first wearing the hallowed black and blue suit were scuppered by WARRICK ‘STICKLER’ SPENCE. The sneaky Cyclefit technician had already nabbed one set out of the box for himself before the talkative lawyer could yell “Objection!” And to add insult to the injuries Nick sustained at Saturday’s 4th cat race in Chertsey – road rash and a fractured radius – he was turned away empty-handed by Warrick because he had not received the list of authorised members who were permitted to snap up their kit. He’ll see you in court, pal! Thankfully, time trialling Dynamette REBECCA STUBBS managed to avoid the need for costly litigation when she rolled by Cyclefit a short time later and left with two sets of devilishly handsome uniforms – one for herself and another for her curly-haired colleague. Obviously Serotta guru PHIL CAVELL isn’t immune to a bit of feminine charm! Meanwhile, Dynamo heart-throb ALEX BALFOUR gave us all an eyeful of his hunky figure by posting a snap of himself dressed in his brand new team kit on the Dynamo web forum. Now that’s what we call one for the ladies!

LET’S GET DOWN TO THE NITTY-KITTY
Like all must-have garments, the initial run of jerseys and shorts are strictly limited edition. Some have speculated that the smallness of the first consignment is a shoddy mistake on the part of manufacturers Pro-Vision, who are sadly unavailable for comment. Nevertheless, the Newsletter believes that everyone should share in the happiness of The Kit’s momentous arrival, not just the 25 lucky winners who received an official email from Clothing Tsar RUSSELL SHORT on Monday morning. So here, in full, is all you need to know about the only kit in the peloton that really matters…
* The jersey is dark blue with vertical black panels on the shoulders and each side. Orange strips tastefully accentuate the edges of the black areas in a manner that is not altogether displeasing. It’s a colour scheme that marks out London Dynamo as a team of taste and distinction, while also showing it is friendly enough to buy its chums a round of buns at the clubhouse.
* The London Dynamo logo is proudly emblazoned across the chest in white and orange against a black background. The “sandwich” design – two horizontal strips of blue with a thinner portion of black in the middle – creates a classic look reminiscent of Eddy Merckx’s Molteni jersey. But unlike the great man, you’ll be showing off the logo of London’s top cycling team rather than the name of a sausage manufacturer.
* The jersey’s zip runs right down to the bottom, giving you the chance to expose your chest and tummy in the manner of King of the Mountains Richard Virenque as you toil up the Richmond Park pimple on a boiling hot day.
* “London Dynamo” appears a total of 13 times on both the shorts and the jersey. If only Norris McWhirter had managed to stay alive just a little bit longer, then he would surely declare this to be some sort of record. * The fit is quite snug.
* It is, according to the label, made in Poland. So that’s why it took so long to get here!

HE’S A KIT TASTY
But it’s not just The Kit that has been astounding us in the Newsletter bunker. Humble TOM HEMMANT, who doesn’t normally blow his own trumpet, deserves a rich, fruity parp for his incredible achievements this week. Dynamo’s quiet man stealthily captured 1st place at the 80km 3rd cat race in Chertsey on Saturday – which also saw ROB JEFFROY’s return following his injury. Tom saved his energy to outgun the massed ranks of Addiscombe in the sprint – and in a rare show of bravura, the soft-spoken hero said of the gaudy yellow cavaliers: “They turned out to be all show.” That’s a comment they won’t find too Agreeable, mate! Not content with bagging the much sought-after London Dynamo Newsletter Result Of The Week, he also looked after CHRIS WARD’s kids after the International Man Of Leisure turned up too late to race in the 4th cat event. (Laid-back Chris revealed on the Dynamo forum that he entered the same race as Tom anyway and came 11th. His relaxed style is an inspiration to us all!) And as if that wasn’t enough, Tom went on to brave the nastiest downpour of the season so far to stay the distance in the E1/2/3 race at Hillingdon – which is more than can be said for many others who threw in the towel with one lap to go. He took 9th place for his efforts and described Heathrow-based wonderkid Lewis Atkins as “an animal,” adding: “I think he was just doing intervals by riding off the front of the bunch and then sitting up.” You tell him, Tom! As a reward for his efforts this week, Keith “I’ll Get You” Butler will be whisking away London Dynamo’s fast-rising star for an all-expenses paid trip to Wales on May 23. Unfortunately, the Surrey League supremo will expect him to compete in a three-stage race with team mates ‘MEDICAL’ MIKE DEBNEY, SAM HUMPHESON and JOHN OLDRIDGE while he’s there. The two-day L’Etape De La Defonce begins with a time trial – and Tom confessed: “I’m not even sure what you do with tri bars!” Don’t worry – the ever-patient TT master GUY ANDREWS is always on hand to help! We were going to mention a 200km Audax which Tom did in north Wales a couple of weeks ago with CHRIS CHAPMAN, RICHARD DOLBY, LUCY DOVE and “some pretty scary beards”, but frankly his exploits are now taking up huge WARRICK SPENCE-like portions in this Newsletter. Sling yer hook, pal – we’ve got a lot to get through!

KIT’S RAINING, KIT’S POURING…
…but London Dynamo isn’t snoring! Plucky PAUL CALLINAN proved the club’s jerseys and bib shorts won’t fade in the wash by subjecting himself to a thorough soaking at The Kit’s inauspicious debut on Tuesday – or Terrible Tuesday as it will become known in the Dynamo history books. Our fearless club secretary, who has just recovered from a bout of bronchitis, revealed how he risked a return to his sickbed by subjecting himself to “an operatic extravaganza of thunder and lightning and very, very frightening speed” at Goodwood’s E1/2/3/4/J/W 60km race. At least ‘MEDICAL’ MIKE DEBNEY was on hand if Paul became poorly again! The duo watched the elites and 1st cats go from the gun while they settled into a chasing group of eight. Alas, chaos ruled as the fierce wind whipped across the exposed circuit in all directions – and Paul admitted: “We had no idea who was where after four laps.” Dynamo triathlete DOMINIC PAUL, who competed in the Sevenoaks triathlon a couple of weeks ago and came an impressive 3rd in a field of around 200, was also one of the 70-strong field at the Goodwood Gallop. Confused Dom admitted: “No-one knows what the finishing order was as the race was suddenly cut short!” Yet the tenacious trio still managed to finish – which is more than can be said for GUY ANDREWS who didn’t even manage to get started on the training race at the newly reopened Crystal Palace circuit on the same soaking wet night. Grumpy Guy moaned: “I was the only sad twat there.” But CHRIS CAMPBELL and GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL were even sadder to abandon their journey to Hillingdon as they shivered beneath the Hammersmith flyover, leaving ROB TUBBS to provide the club’s sole presence in the 4th cat race. To add to their humiliation, Rob opened his BCF points account by taking 4th at Chertsey on Saturday. The two pansies – who are quite literally pointless – will never be able to look him in the eye again!

KIT’S THAT TIME AGAIN… KEN WATCH!
Brilliant news – KEN BUIST has been spotted for the second week running! Club secretary PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN saw the enigmatic Aussie supping Hoegarden beer by the Thames in Kingston on Sunday. Paul revealed: “Ken wasn’t himself as he didn’t verbally abuse anyone for at least two hours.” Fantastic stuff! With two sightings in two weeks, the pressure is now on for us to turn this into a regular feature. You can help out by letting us know if you’ve spotted London Dynamo’s lone rider recently – the address, as ever, is news@londondynamo.co.uk. This is becoming the best part of the Newsletter, isn’t it?

HE’S GETTING ON OUR KITS
It’s just so annoying – happy-go-lucky MARTIN WILLIAMSON simply refuses to stop enjoying his cycling! The beaming 2nd cat rider chased down a break on the 14th lap of Chertsey’s 100km 1/2 race on Saturday while a group of Freerider lads sat on the front and held back the group. But the attacks soon came and he spent a lot of energy chasing them down, leaving him too tired for the sprint. Martin came 13th – but he refused to let it get him down. The elated Dyna-mate revealed he was “pleased” with his performance because it shows he’s strong enough to get a place alongside the big boys. Pleased? Someone point out to him that this cycling business has nothing to do with pleasure!

THAT’S KIT
Sadly, we have come to the moment where we must pack our lovely London Dynamo team outfit into our sports bag and put on our civvies – but not before we thank you, the magnanimous readership, for clothing us in hand-stitched race reports and tailor-made gossip. Without you, we would be nude. The address for all your input is, as ever, news@londondynamo.co.uk. The deadline is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s mailout. And with feisty PHIL CAVELL banging on the changing room door, demanding to know what on Earth we’re getting up to in here, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES
SATURDAY
the Parkride is officially suspended for a second week. But fear not, for there will be an exciting announcement on the ride’s future in our next edition – and if last Saturday is anything to go by, then quite a few regulars will probably show up at 9am at Roehampton Gate for an unofficial ride anyway.

SUNDAY
Hampton Court bridge, 9am for Surrey Hills ride. 50ish miles at a steady pace. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink and a pair of wellies.

WEDNESDAY
Richmond Gate, Richmond Park, 7:30pm. Steady two-hour ride to Surrey and back. And on MONDAY we’ve got another glittering Dynamo social evening at A Bar 2 Far in Kingston from around 7.30pm. Get down to the venue at the Griffin Centre in Market Place to hear Paul’s bizarre anecdote about Gethin “son of Keith” Butler and many other cycling-related gems. Or just enjoy gallons of falling-down water – the choice, quite literally, is yours!

So until next week, goodbye and happy riding.

London Dynamo Newsletter.

THE SMALL PRINT…
..is, quite clearly, completely absent. The Dynamo-centric results service will be back next week or whenever the BCF decides to update its website. Our humblest apologies.

EU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP
They don’t look like us, they’ve moved into our territory as if it’s rightfully theirs and frankly they are beginning to take over. But let’s not be too quick to judge, because this newly-enlarged edition of your liberal, forward-thinking Newsletter will be throwing open the floodgates to that much-misunderstood minority known as the triathlete. Not content with notching up impressive placings in their own events, these hulking Goliaths are belittling the skinny, humble cyclist by taking what is rightfully ours – a clutch of valuable BCF points. You give them a race, and they take it by a mile! One Dynamate who is currently in another EU member state for a tough triathlon will soon return to a cushy life back in Blighty – so in an effort to bridge the culture gap, we thought now would be a good time to celebrate their strange customs and ridiculous clothing. Now where did we put that pair of improbably tight Speedos…

TRI AND TRI AGAIN…
Human powerhouse GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL turned on his twin cylinders again at the swanky Sunbury Leisure Centre on Bank Holiday Monday to clinch 5th place overall in the second Thames Turbo Triathlon. The strapping six-footer is usually a pretty laid-back kinda Guy, but he was quick to anger after coming 2nd in the swim during the first Turbo – “No-one,” he fumed afterwards, “NO-ONE beats me in the water.” So wet a relief for the big Guy to come 1st in the pool second time around and then grab the top spot on his bike. Hurrah! Sadly, it was a different story when Guy swapped two wheels for two feet and came 22nd. “I really must learn how to run,” he sighed. But we think the hard-working, hard-playing rider was probably just a little tired after relentlessly attacking and working at the front during the 25-mile 3/4 race at Eastway on Saturday. In the delightfully twee phrase used by London Cycle Sport to describe one of Powdrill’s previous performances, his efforts amid the 70-strong field “came to nought” after he eased up into a corner on one of the final laps and dozens of riders shot past, relegating him to 38th. Where is GUY ANDREWS’ tactical masterclass when you need it!

…AND AGAIN…
Apologetic DOMINIC PAUL dropped the Newsletter a brief line to say “sorry” for doing brilliantly in the Milton Keynes Sprint Triathlon on Sunday. He came 4th out of 170 and notched up the 2nd fastest bike split. What’s there to be sorry about, man? Apparently, the modest fella reckons triathlon news is a “bore”. Literally several readers would completely disagree with you, Dom – and we defy you to read the next item without a feeling of heart-throbbing excitement!

…AND YET AGAIN
Point-gobbling 2nd cat star MARTIN WILLIAMSON will be sitting at the top of the triathlon tree tomorrow – because the proud patriot will become the first Dynamate to represent our great nation. Martin qualified for the Triathlon Championships in Madeira by placing high at the Bala Triathlon last September. He’ll be part of Great Britain’s 18-strong 25-29 age group and a total of 300 plucky Brits have jetted out to show the Portuguese exactly what we’re made of. No doubt Dynamo’s good-looking glamour boy has already been lapping up the attention at the team photo shoot, but we’re sure it won’t distract him from the job in hand. The course, which Martin reckons is “perfect” for him, consists of a swim in the port, a 25-mile hilly bike ride with a long 19% climb and a pan-flat run. On behalf of everyone in London Dynamo, we would like to climb on our desk, perform a stiff salute and wish you the best of British, sir!

MISSION IMPROBABLE
Yet however well Martin does this weekend, his achievement will already have been dwarfed by determined Dynamette REBECCA STUBBS, who managed to infiltrate a secret organisation on Bank Holiday Monday and evade capture. Her mission, and she chose to accept it, was to undertake a two-hour drive in the pouring rain to reach “some tiny village hall in High Easter, Back Of Beyond, Essex”. Having reached her rendezvous, secret agents then revealed a vital piece of hush-hush information: she had to cycle 20mins through poorly-signposted roads to reach the start of her 10-mile time trial. “To say I cut it fine is an under-exaggeration,” she reveals. “I arrived at the start to hear my number being yelled. With 30 seconds to go, I threw my extra layers of kit into the open boot of a nearby car, pulled the skinsuit over my shoulders while a helpful bystander pinned my number to my back and set off only a few seconds late. Brilliant.” Quite why the start of any cycling event has to be so cloak-and dagger is a mystery to the Newsletter – yet Rebecca points out: “Time trialling isn’t illegal anymore but perhaps they just miss the subterfuge.” After all that pre-race excitement, it must have been a bit of an anti-climax for Rebecca to clinch 3rd lady with a personal best time of 26.53. There was no clandestine hunt for GUY ANDREWS, who managed to find Eastway on Saturday without any problems before winning the ECCA Festival 10-mile time trial in 23m 27s. Dynamo’s grouch-in-chief also came 3rd in Sunday’s ECCA 25-mile TT before notching up another 3rd place at the season’s first proper race at Crystal Palace on Tuesday – but we’ll brush over these impressive results as it would probably cheer him up to receive a bit of praise. He wouldn’t be the Guy everyone knows and loves if he wasn’t grumpy!

A LITTLE KIT MORE…
There’s also the possibility that delirious Dynamates will treat Guy like a god when he delivers yet more fabulous kit to Dynamo Towers. That’s right, chums – after a clothing drought lasting many months, we are heading for a deluge of every type of cycling-related garment imaginable, proudly emblazoned with the London Dynamo brand. Here, in full, is the list of what everyone will be wearing by Hampton Court Bridge this season…
* Luscious long-sleeve jerseys, £40.
* Wonderful Windstopper-type gilets, £50.
* Sensational skin suits, £60 short sleeve and £70 long sleeve.
Smart-dressed man PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN, who always meets his public in the finest outfits that Switzerland has to offer, reckons these skin suits are as good as anything he has in his considerable wardrobe. Let’s hope he’s right – we wouldn’t want him looking a total Assos! And there’s even more great news – you can order whatever you want right now. Just email kit@londondynamo.co.uk and state what size you need. Bibs and jerseys are still available for £65 per set or £33 and £32 respectively. Tantalisingly, mitts and overshoes will also be available soon – if you’re interested, just let clothing co-ordinator GUY ANDREWS know at the same email address. Please note that the Dynamo Accounts Department needs a deposit of at least 50% of your order as soon as possible. Kit doesn’t grow on trees, you know!

…AND EVEN MORE
But even though it costs a fair old whack to have the London Dynamo logo splashed across every conceivable part of your anatomy, you are certain to be repaid in the amount of attention paid by our racing adversaries. Triathlete ROB TUBBS, who was at Hillingdon last Tuesday in his snappy Dynamo threads, reveals: “I heard a couple of favourable comments, there were several admiring glances and one bloke even said he would join us next year because of the cool kit!” He’ll be the first of many, Rob! Meanwhile, ALEX ‘BIG AL’ BALFOUR writes: “I’m convinced John of London Cycle Sport took at least three pictures of me at the back of the bunch at Eastway on Saturday. I think he was trying to get a shot of the new kit. Maybe someone in the timekeeper’s box also took a shine to the kit and that’s why I was awarded an utterly improbable prime.” Perhaps your jersey is a magical cloak, Alex – it whisks you past the line without you having to try! The large lad, who finished two places behind GUY POWDRILL, unfurled the full power and authority of the Dynamo kit when he got off his bike afterwards to remonstrate with a rider who had been pushing his rivals out of the way during the race. The ruffian immediately backed down – although his sudden cowardice probably has more to do with the towering rower’s oar-some 6ft 3in physique than our devilishly attractive uniforms. The only fly in the ointment comes from nit-picking NICK PEACOCK. He praises the kit’s “fantastic design” and “bold colours” while noting that it has “enough Cyclefit references to maybe get a smile from PHIL CAVELL”. But he moans: “It’s too bloody small, even when I have large shorts and an extra large jersey. All movement – even breathing – is out of the question. Am I doomed to be revealed as someone who was simply not intended to be a cyclist or should I start a campaign for special odd-sized kit?” We’ll pass that one on to the big boys, Nick! Any “differently-shaped” Dynamo members who have had trouble squeezing into their kit should email news@londondynamo.co.uk. If we get enough complaints, the Newsletter will launch a pioneering campaign. They powers-that-be in the top floor of Dynamo Towers will ignore us at their peril!

KEN WATCH!
Incredible news! For the third week running, we have a sighting of London Dynamo’s wily renegade KEN BUIST. Eagle-eyed PAUL CALLINAN reveals that the enigmatic Aussie “has a drug problem”. But our Kingston-based club secretary is merely joshing, for he reveals: “Ken was chasing the white lines down the middle of the road on Sunday.” Amazingly, our laconic chum plans to move into the glitzy world of fashion. Paul adds: “He’s releasing his own designer brand called DQ Wear.” Do you have a DQ what Ken is on about? Or have you spotted Dynamo’s lone rider recently? Email news@londondynamo with the full details, no matter how trivial. We’ve got to keep this going for at least one more week!

IT’S CHAS NOT FAIR
This is becoming a habit! Fearsome warrior WARRICK SPENCE has once again clinched the prestigious London Dynamo Newsletter Result Of The Week and made every Dynamo rider increasingly jealous by taking 3rd place in the Chas Messenger 3-day stage race. Some of the best riders in the country raced in the event over the Bank Holiday weekend and the Cyclefit technician took them on without the help of any team-mates. Pop into Macklin Street if you’re passing and give him a well-deserved pat on the back – he’s already received far too much acclaim from previous editions of the Newsletter!

TOUR BLIMEY!
Journeyman JOHN OLDRIDGE has been preparing for his forthcoming stage race in Wales by taking the Dynamo brand on tour. The north-east was treated to a slice of London’s finest at Newcastle’s Sloan Trophy race on Sunday which saw John take 19th place after a gruelling 95 miles. On Saturday 24th April he nabbed 2nd place in the National Railway Time Trial Championship, which was part of the Northampton and District CA 31 mile time trial, and finished 9th overall. Don’t wear yourself out, John – we need you for Wales!

WE’VE TRI-ED OUR BEST…
…and we hope that this liberal, open-minded Newsletter has changed some of the prejudice which triathletes have had to suffer. Please remember that we are a broad church, but we would be nothing without you, our beloved congregation. So please send all your race reports, results, gossip and sightings of KEN BUIST to news@londondynamo.co.uk. And now, as saintly RUSSELL SHORT begins pumping his improbably huge pipe organ for a rousing chorus of Sing Hosanna, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES
SATURDAY the Parkride. The fiercely independent Newsletter isn’t usually a mouthpiece for the Dynamo board of directors, but this important announcement has to come straight from the top for it to carry any authority. So it’s over to Chief Executive GUY ANDREWS, who has just this minute stepped out of the boardroom…

“Thanks, mate. If we are to continue with the Parkride year-round, then we need to have some structure. Most of the experienced riders – the ones who shout orders – are now racing most Saturdays so organisation is becoming tricky.
“This is why the ride has been suspended. The situation will continue from now until October unless we can get some further assistance from the membership.”In the future we would like to see smaller groups of no more than 10 with at least one Dynamo ‘old boy’ per group. This could mean six groups or more on the road and requires someone to organise and pick the teams at the start.
“So we really need some volunteers to take the smaller groups – experienced riders who don’t mind organising a group.
“For more info on this see the website forum and check the thread for you to volunteer assistance where there will also be plans for the coming weekend. “Also, if you know anyone who is still coming on the ride and hasn’t joined London Dynamo then please remind them it’s a club ride. Now it’s back to the Newsletter.”

FLAW AND DISORDER
Your fair-minded, even-handed and above-board Newsletter tries to be an impartial judge at the best of times – but it has become increasingly clear to us that a couple of recent races have ended more embarrassingly than Richard ‘Cry-Baby’ Virenque’s famous appearance on the witness stand. Two riders thought they had clinched victory this week only to be told by strict British Cycling Federation lawmakers that they had lost their case. But let’s not lock ’em up and throw away the key just yet! There is a strong possibility, members of the jury, that both riders were victims of the total and utter chaos that ruled each event. This latest edition of your favourite cycling-related weekly email update-a-thon will sift through the evidence and judge each case on its merits. Here comes the first witness…

WON FOR THE LADIES
Twin-cylinder titan GUY ‘I’VE GOT THE POWER’ POWDRILL was firmly in the driving seat at Ladies Mile on Sunday – and The Engine’s peak performance was partly driven by some great tactical steering from a group of well-oiled Dynamo spark plugs. Forming what is probably the best team turnout in a single race since the Hillingdon beginners’ events back in February, ROB ‘ALL-WEATHER’ TUBBS, ALEX ‘BIG AL’ BALFOUR, ‘AUSSIE’ CRAIG THOMPSON and TOM ‘QUIET MAN’ HEMMANT set the pace in fine style. Tom, Craig and Alex then sat up at the front of the 32-mile 3/4/W/J race in East Grinstead, giving Guy the opportunity to a launch a potentially suicidal one-man break with 16 miles to go. But the fantastic four were stunned when no-one reacted to their tactics, leaving the towering triathlete to time-trial the remaining four laps – and amazingly, he romped home almost two minutes ahead of the bunch. Back of the net! And lucky Guy wins the prestigious London Dynamo Newsletter Result Of The Week gong for his efforts. Official race results have been strangely unforthcoming from BCF central this week, but unverified reports state that Rob clinched 7th place and Craig came 13th while Alex reckons he was also “up there”. Tom had a visit from the bothersome mechanical fairy and dropped out when the pesky imp flipped off his chain. Bad luck, sir! The Addiscombe rider who won the sprint celebrated in true Tour De France style with a two-handed victory salute until Rob discreetly pointed out that he’d made himself look like a bit of an Eric Zabel. The Tubbster confessed: “I had to cycle alongside him and explain we had a rider up the road for over half the race. ‘You’re joking!’ he said. So the rest of the peloton had not even noticed our rider go.” For the love of David Millar, you’re hardly likely to miss him – he’s 6ft 4in tall!

TWIT AT A CRIT
But the roles were reversed at Hillingdon on Tuesday when it was the turn of a Dynamo rider to fall victim to race confusion and look a complete fool. With the British Cycling ombudsman signalling four laps to go, hapless CHRIS CAMPBELL began jockeying for position in the 4/W/J race and was amazed to find himself first over the line after the final sprint. But the BCF officials had extended the race by another two laps to prevent riders smacking into the back of the E/1/2/3 boys – so careless Campbell, having wasted his time and energy, had to be content with a mediocre bunch finish while ALEX BASTIN reclaimed some Dynamo dignity by finishing a respectable 7th. Unbelievably – and we’re not making this up – the former fatman got some more bad news the following day when he discovered he was the subject of an unflattering vignette on page 5 of the latest edition of Private Eye. He has no idea what he’s done to deserve this!

THEY’RE COMING KIT AND FAST
At least Hillingdon proved once again that London Dynamo riders are the best-dressed in the bunch as the flurry of compliments from our rivals continued for a third week running. A gentlemen from a certain Surrey club told the Newsletter in strictest confidence by the side of the circuit that he is set to become a Dynamate purely on the basis of our fabulous kit. Even Addiscombe rider and occasional Sunday Surrey Hiller Toks Adesanya was impressed by his first glimpse of the striking blue, black and orange design striding out of the clubhouse. Meanwhile, the Newsletter spotted hunky ALEX BALFOUR on Thursday 6th riding leisurely along Millbank in the hallowed “sandwich-style” retro jersey – and the oar-some rower wasn’t even on his way to a race! You can follow Big Al’s lead in promoting the Dynamo brand by emailing news@londondynamo.co.uk and letting us know of any more flattering comments you may have received from the cycling community or the general public. We won’t be satisfied until the kit’s a hit with every person on the planet!

MUST TRI HARDER
As the Newsletter hurtles towards our landmark issue 10, we feel it’s about time we admitted our shortcomings with this, the inaugural notes and corrections corner. There were a few inaccuracies and omissions in our Triathlon Special last week, most glaringly in our coverage of the Thames Turbo event which concentrated solely on the efforts of 5th-placed GUY POWDRILL. Tri virgin DAVID SPENCER asked us to cast our eye further down the finishing sheet where he is listed as 94th out of the 230-strong field – an achievement described as “a very respectable first performance” by tri master MARTIN WILLIAMSON. David revealed that he was hampered by a dodgy right knee and “some dubious transition technique” – but he vowed: “I’ll be back for TT3 and TT4 so the ‘Powerdrill’ better watch out!” That’s fighting talk! Meanwhile, TOM HEMMANT just missed our deadline when he dropped a note to point out that Dynamette LUCY DOVE grabbed 5th lady. Ever-eager to shine a light on the achievements of others, humble Hemmant adds that Dove did all white in the 80km WCRA Women’s Team Series event on May 2nd at Crowhurst as a member of the Surrey League ‘B’ team. Tom reveals: “She came 29th out of 60 – not bad for her first race.” Not bad indeed! But it was Mr Williamson’s adventures during the Agegroup World Triathlon Championships in Madeira which sent the biggest ripple of anticipation in the Newsletter bunker – and he didn’t disappoint. Dynamo’s glamour boy came 40th out of the 105 competitors in his age group after experiencing terrifying moments that would make some athletes get on the first flight home. Martin said of the choppy water in Funchal’s port: “The Australians were shouting and whooping: ‘Waves – just like home! Bring it on!’ Everyone else quietly shat themselves. I got literally swam over at one point and got hit and kicked loads.” And that was all before the buttock-clenching bike descents of 52mph! Martin added: “The run went very well although it wasn’t until the 2nd of three laps that I was really confident of even finishing. I think it’s difficult to exaggerate how hard the race was.” Beaming Martin has sent us a pic of him reaching the finishing line which we’ll endeavour to post on the Dynamo site. He certainly looks like he’s had the smile wiped off his face!

KEN WATCH!
Disaster! After three weeks of flashing on the Newsletter radar, crafty KEN BUIST has managed to vanish from sight. More worryingly, the elusive Aussie is now on KATRIN KANDEL’s wanted list following a dispute over who could take home Cyclefit’s last two Cinelli bars. The feisty former Parkrider stormed into the Macklin Street bike emporium with her burly trainer Martin Early and forced terrified technician WARRICK SPENCE to hand over the pair – even though one of the bars had already been earmarked for our Ken. Cyclefit guru JULIAN ‘WONDER’ WALL has asked us to pass on Katrin’s message to Dynamo’s renegade rider, which was shrieked to him as follows: “If Ken wants his Cinelli bars then he better bring back my Campagnolo bottle cage. He has 48 hours before he starts receiving severed carbon parts in the mail.” Crikey! Who would have guessed that the chatty Yank could be so quick to anger? And will she come to blows with the Buister? If you’re out there, Ken, please let us know of your whereabouts at news@londondynamo.co.uk. We just want to know you’re safe…

WE REST OUR CASE
An open verdict has been passed and the judge’s gavel has come down – which means it’s time for you, the jury, to return to civilian life. Always remember that we are the shining sword of truth, but we would be nothing without you, our trusty shield of British fair play. So please send us your news, gossip, sightings of KEN BUIST and proof of how devilishly handsome you look in the new Dynamo kit to news@londondynamo.co.uk. And now, as a policeman takes us firmly by the arm and escorts us out of the courtroom, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES
SATURDAY
the Parkride. Richmond Park, Roehampton Gate, 9am. Anyone who wants to lead a group should leave a message on the Dynamo forum.

THE MANE ATTRACTION
He was brushed to the foot of our last edition and we’ve be-comb wary of boring our beloved readership by mentioning his name too often – but try as we might, there really is no chance of the Newsletter snipping away at the hair-raising achievements of pony-tailed point-gobbler WARRICK SPENCE this time around. The long-haired champ proved he was a cut above the rest this week by almost nabbing 1st place from a Tour of Britain winner in an elite event – and Cyclefit’s hirsute hero had another close shave when he narrowly missed out on breaking a time trial record which has stood for more than 10 years. Now there is talk of Warrick making another record-breaking bid – and we are sure that you, the style-conscious reader with the immaculately coiffure, are bristling to find out more. So settle down in our barber’s chair as we give you the long and the short back and sides of it. Now where did we put those scissors…

IT’S THE MALC RACE
Warrick’s reputation as Dynamo’s cool operator was transformed at the BAA Crawley Town Centre Criteriums on Sunday. The normally reserved racer confessed he “couldn’t stop smiling” after 42-year-old Milk Race veteran Malcolm Elliott came to congratulate him for coming second and admitted that he spent most of his time trying to hold Warrick’s wheel in the fast-paced E1/2 contest. The Tour of Spain points competition winner, who came 1st, unwittingly caused a crash when he clipped a cone, sending it hurtling in the direction of another rider – but ever the good sport, Elliott apologised to the competitor afterwards. What a gent! And now it’s Warrick’s turn to cone and get it – we’re talking about the London Dynamo Newsletter Result Of The Week Gong, of course. He’s already won far too many – somebody stop him!

BETTER YATES THAN NEVER
The Cyclefit sensation isn’t the only Dynamate who has recently competed with a cycling legend. Earlier this week, the Newsletter stormed out of its bunker in a huff, got the lift to the top floor of Dynamo Towers and had a right old go at PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN for failing to mention that he and MIKE DEBNEY were in a lead-out train hauled by none other than Sean Yates. The immensely talkative Race Secretary, who rolled in with the bunch on Sunday’s 140km Edgware RC Road Race, maintained an uncharacteristic silence about the former yellow jersey winner’s surprise appearance at Goodwood for more than a week – which is why it was missing from our previous edition. He just doesn’t know the meaning of the phrase ‘world exclusive’! Thankfully, Paul’s trusty fix-it man RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT was on hand to calm us all down with a cup of tea from the Dynamo urn and a few slices of Box Hill’s finest treacle tart. While he poured, Rusty mentioned that he came 18th at the 140km 2/3/4 Eastern Lea Valley Road Race on Sunday May 9. And as Paul supped, he revealed that CSC’s assistant directeur sportif turned up at Goodwood on Tuesday 11 in an Audi estate with his team’s logo emblazoned across its side before warming up at the back of the circuit away from the prying eyes of his many fans. Bjarne Riis’s tattooed right-hand man rode with the E/1 group on a team-issue Cervelo with whooshing Zipp 404 wheels – and Paul revealed: “Sean took a lead-out train in true Tour style through the chicane. Being on fifth wheel I thought I had a chance. He peeled off and we hammered for the line with Justin Hoy’s other lead-out train on our right. I realised what a long time it takes to get from the chicane to the line and finished in 20th spot with Mike just on my wheel.” Forget about getting on Sean’s train – you should have got his autograph, pal!

EASTWAY OF EDEN
Back now to our ‘Wonder Warr’, who turned up at Eastway on Tuesday for their regular 10-mile time trial and almost walked away with a record-winning time. He clocked 22’00” – just four seconds off Ray Eden’s record of 10 years’ standing. But we may not have to wait another decade before Eden is toppled from his perch, because the Macklin Street marvel is certain he will do the business next week. That’s confidence for you! Warrick, who already holds the Lee Valley circuit’s single-lap record, revealed that he lost valuable seconds because he had to negotiate five or six riders on the corners. Tell them to move next time, chum – nothing should stand in the way of history in the making! And Cyclefit guru PHIL CAVELL has exclusively revealed to the Newsletter that the crafty Kiwi will be launching his bid to break the New Zealand hour record in the next couple of months. But there’s one snag. Warrick admits: “We have to find out first if I can do it in this country.” Damn this bureaucracy!

LAPPING IT UP
Meanwhile, Dynamo crack team TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT, ‘MEDICAL’ MIKE DEBNEY, SAM ‘SLAM DUNK’ HUMPHERSON and ‘GENTLEMAN’ JOHN OLDRIDGE gave the deer a fright when they managed to set a record of their own in Richmond Park on Thursday. The fearsome foursome, along with Dynamette REBECCA STUBBS, are heading to Cowbridge in Wales tonight to represent the Surrey League at the prestigious L’Etape De La Defonce two-day stage race – and it was during one of their regular four-up time trial practices that the fellas managed to clock an amazing 16’20” on the 7-mile circuit. Didn’t they realise the speed limit has been reduced to 20mph? Somebody call the cops!

KEN WATCH!
Relax, Dynamates – elusive Aussie KEN BUIST is safe and well. Dynamo’s Scarlet Pimpernel turned up at PAUL CALLINAN’s pad in Kingston and told the Race Secretary he was going to make peace with KATRIN KANDELL over their recent hoo-
ha, which regular readers will know involved two pairs of Cinelli handlebars. He also spoke to WARRICK SPENCE and revealed that he thought last week’s account of the incident was “hilarious”. Just doing our job, Ken! If you’ve seen the renegade rider recently, then please drop us a line at news@londondynamo.co.uk. We want to know where he was, what he was wearing and maddeningly specific details of the conversation, including an approximate time for the moment he made a sarcastic comment about upwardly-pointing stems. He really is loving all this attention!

WHO’S THAT GUY?
Hats off to the organisers of the Hillingdon Tuesday series – they have put GUY POWDRILL at the head of London Dynamo’s race to get the most misspelled entries on the finishing sheet, leaving TOM ‘HEMMAT’ HEMMANT trailing in second place. The towering triathlete, who has already been referred to as Guy Undrill and Gary Powdrill, can now add G. Poudrill to the list after effortlessly coming 4th at this week’s sun-kissed and bafflingly short 4/W/J race. Incidentally, you could combine two of these pseudonyms to create Gary Poudrill, which sounds like the name of an effeminate hairdresser and is therefore entirely in keeping with the opening theme of this week’s Newsletter. Or if you want to do something a bit more useful, then you could help out with race marshalling at Hillingdon. Stuart Benstead, who runs the races, has requested London Dynamo’s assistance on Tuesday nights, so step forward and make yourself known to PAUL CALLINAN at paul.callinan@londondynamo.co.uk. You know it makes sense!

TOM DUMB
Whoops! It was TOM DAVIES, not TOM HEMMANT, who rode at Ladies Mile last week. We feel like proper dumbos and we hope that both men can overcome the hurt and embarrassment we have caused. The Newsletter is also happy to point out that ALEX ‘BIG AL’ BALFOUR is 6’4, not 6’3 as previously stated. Our sincerest apologies.

THE FINAL CUT
We’ve massaged a dollop of gel into your lovely locks and brushed the snippets of hair from your shoulders. We hope you are delighted with your dramatic new look – and if you are a little unsure, then please bear in mind that WARRICK SPENCE also sported a purple mohican just like yours for many years. Remember: we are a chatty and enthusiastic junior stylist but we would be nothing without you, our loyal client who likes nothing more than popping into our salon for a bit of a natter. So please send your gossip, race reports and sightings of KEN BUIST to news@londondynamo.co.uk. The deadline is Wednesday afternoon for the following Friday’s edition. And now, as sir’s eyes wander to the ample display of prophylactics next to the Brylcreem tubs, it only remains for us to remind you about…

TOUR DE FORCE
The lights have gone down, dry ice is billowing across the stage and one crushing powerchord has announced that the London Dynamo supergroup has entered the building for a rousing sing-a-long of We Are The Champions to celebrate their impressive victory over Britain’s finest 3rd cat teams. That’s right, readers – four hard-living Dynamates have been on a triumphant tour this week in hot-rocking Wales and your down-and-dirty Newsletter is about to fill you in on the band’s backstage gossip. Gasp as you discover what flamboyant lead singer TOM ‘HAIRY’ HEMMANT got up to in the bathroom on the eve of their first big gig. Thrill to the spectacle of little drummer boy SAM ‘THUMPER’ HUMPHERSON going off on an impromptu solo. Cower as guitarist MIKE ‘MAD AXE’ DEBNEY demolishes a malt loaf. And sigh with relief as trusty, mild-mannered bassist JOHN ‘DEACON’ OLDRIDGE manages to hold the band together against overwhelming odds. Let’s turn it up to eleven…

NO SLEEP TIL BRIDGEND
It was with a mounting sense of excitement that the Fab Four boarded the Dynamo tour bus on Friday evening and set off from Putney for Bridgend, a delightful little place about 10 miles west of Cardiff. As our legions of loyal readers will already know, the cracking quartet had been hand-picked by race secretary PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN to represent the entire Surrey League in the two-day L’Etape De La Defonce race – and each intrepid rider was hoping their weeks of rigorous training would pay off during the three-stage competition. But the three-hour drive ended in frustration for ‘Medical’ Mike and ‘Gentleman’ John, who were forced to slum it in a B&B while Tom and Sam got to live it up in the palatial surroundings of a Best Western, complete with a sauna and steam room. Surrey League supremo and accommodation co-ordinator Keith ‘I’ll Get You’ Butler will never hear the end of this! The tired team were too knackered to find a suitable restaurant so they stayed in and got enjoyed a pre-race fuelling session of malt loaf and teacakes. As Mike reveals: “We didn’t really fancy one of the ten Chinese takeaways that Bridgend had to offer.” Sensible choice, mate!

HAIR TODAY, ALMOST GONE TOMORROW
Unfortunately, not all of the team were quite so level-headed the following morning. Tom has taken a great deal of pride in being the peloton’s only serious rider with hirsute legs – but Dynamo’s quiet man suddenly decided that the good people of Cowbridge leisure centre deserved to see his powerful pins in a hairless state when he embarked on the team time trial, so he rashly decided to have a shave on Saturday morning before leaving for the start of the stage. Sadly, as Dynamette LUCY DOVE reveals: “It took Tom a lot longer than expected and he only managed to get one leg shorn before heading for the start line – so he had to do the TT with one leg hairy, one leg smooth.” You never know – he could start a new trend!

TIME FOR ACTION
The tense foursome, who wore ancient red and yellow Surrey League jerseys with clashing black and blue Dynamo shorts, tried to put half-hairy Hemmant’s misadventure behind them as they arrived at Cowbridge leisure centre for the start of the team time trial – but there were still a few more irksome snags to add to their anxieties. Mike had to get his chain back on the big ring when it made a break for freedom shortly before they set off and the med student admits he set a pace that was “a little too fast due to race nerves”. But he added: “We soon got into a rhythm and we were flying by the turnaround.” Then disaster struck! Tom peeled off the front, allowing Sam to pull through, and the compact mechanic turned at the roundabout’s fourth exit. Mike explains: “This was a FIVE-exit roundabout! The marshals yelled at Sam, we yelled at the marshals, and Sam was doing the tightest U-turn ever attempted on a bike. Absolute chaos!” The remaining three decided not to wait for their Roberto Heras and “suffered like dogs on the climbs” as a consequence. The Surrey Leaguers finished 26 seconds behind the winning team, which bagged them 6th place. Rueful Mike says: “We should have waited. It would have cost us virtually no time and we needed Sam on the climbs. Apologies, Sam. We coasted back to the HQ and lambasted ourselves for screwing up. We could have won easily.” Don’t be so hard on yourselves, fellas – your best, as we shall see, is yet to come!

THERE’S GOLD IN THEM THAR HILLS
After wolfing down a ridiculous number of sandwiches, the gang of four embarked on the second challenge of the day – a 67-mile stage across hilly terrain in perfectly cool weather. There was a minor hiccup when Tom went for the top spot in the first prime, only to discover that the actual finish line was 100 metres from the one he had just crossed – whoops! – but this was to prove the last missed opportunity of the day. Dynamo’s big man was part of a nine-man group which chased down a breakaway of two vets with about 25 miles to go, giving the ever-composed John the opportunity to locate his two other team-mates in the bunch and get them to sit at the front, thus making sure no-one else attacked. We love it when a plan comes together! The gruelling finish on the summit of the Cowbridge bypass saw Tom take 3rd, giving him the No.2 spot on the GC, while Mike finished 2nd in the bunch. Surrey League – AKA London Dynamo – was now 2nd in the team competition. Result! And things got even better the next day when the tough climbs and scary 80kph descents really separated the men from the boys during the 45-mile final stage. The fantastic four were among approximately 35 riders who managed to regroup on the first descent and Tom managed to nab a valuable 10 second time bonus by coming 3rd in the only prime of the day. Mike and the mechanic – that’s Sam – pumped up the speed and strung out the group in the last 10 miles, leaving only one rider to get away. Steely Tom clinched 5th, taking 3rd in the final GC – and so it was that the capital’s greatest cycling club, riding under the garish red and yellow banner of the Surrey League, won the team competition by a whopping 43 seconds. Hurrah!

GIVE THEM AN OSCAR!
Dynamette REBECCA STUBBS, who was part of the Surrey League Ladies team, reveals that “seeing the boys triumph made me proud to be a member of the club” – and it goes without saying that the lads win the prestigious London Dynamo Newsletter Result Of The Week malt loaf. So here’s dashing Mike Debney in his tux, making his way through the applauding throng, to make his lengthy Academy Award-style acceptance speech. Take it away, mate!

“Thanks, Chris. A massive thank-you to everyone involved – all the organisers, marshals, tea ladies and motorbike guys – the organisation was first-class and we were looked after so well. Thanks to Keith Butler for letting us enter and Paul for helping us sort out accommodation and generally motivating us. The only people it remains for me to thank are the other three guys in the team – Sam, Tom and John. We all rode superbly and I think we are worthy winners of the team GC. Pity about that time trial, though – at least there’s always next year!”

THE USUAL STUBBS-PECTS
But before we get carried away with all this hearty back-slapping, spare a thought for Rebecca’s ordeal in the valleys. The plucky Dynamette was one of only five women in the 82-strong field – and two of them were internationals. Unsurprisingly, Rebecca felt she was “hopelessly outclassed” and reveals: “Sam brought a gaggle of supporters who stood by the side of the road on a steep section and sympathised with our plight, which was much appreciated.” And intriguingly, the sharp-eyed legal eagle has put together a strong case to explain how Tom was robbed of the GC’s top spot. She believes he would have won the valuable final prime if he hadn’t shot off for the line too early and argues that the ten-second penalty, which he received for crossing the central line, was grossly unfair. Rebecca argues: “It was pretty hard to avoid going over the line given how narrow the lanes were. Call me a cynic, but I think the blokes who beat him were both Welsh.” It’s always the usual suspects who are to blame! Sort ’em out, Keith!

KEN WATCH!
In other racing news, Dynamo’s renegade rider KEN BUIST amazed everyone by becoming a team player at Kirdford on Sunday. The lone Aussie worked hard with RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT and PAUL CALLINAN to pull the 2/3/4/J race apart before his two team-mates got into a six-man break up the climb. The 60-mile race ended in a full-on 750m sprint which saw Paul pull 4th and Rusty 6th. Well done, sirs! Dynamo’s Race Secretary was also in the pack with MIKE DEBNEY at Goodwood’s scratch race on Tuesday, which ended with the Giant-riding hero finishing 5th – and that was just two days after clocking up almost 117 hilly miles in Wales. As Paul succinctly put it: “He’s flying!”

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!
The final encore has been played and the crowd are shuffling towards the designated exits to purchase an overpriced official tour T-shirt and commemorative programme from the foyer. Remember that we are only the hairy-arsed roadie, and we would be nothing without you, the talented tunesmith. So send us all your gossip, news, and any information you might have on what triggered Tuesday’s comical punch-up between two riders at Hillingdon to news@londondynamo.co.uk. The deadline is Wednesday afternoon for the following Friday’s edition. And now, as you find yourself strangely drawn to a foul-smelling hot-dog cart on your way to the tube station, it only remains for us to remind you about…