Flying the Flag of Fairness

A modest proposal to resolve the Confederate flag crisis throughout the South.

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“Heritage, not hate,” as they say. White South Carolinians and Georgians don’t fly their Confederate flags because they hate black people. They fly the flag because they’re proud of losing. Southerners want their children, and their children’s children, to gaze upwards at the red, white, and blue banner, and to know that they come from a long line of losers.

Now, in all honesty, the flag does involve just a wee bit of hatred. But it’s hatred of Yankees, foreigners, and “fat monkeys,” not black people. In fact, some of your average white Southerners’ best friends are black. Or so I’ve heard. So, in order to reconcile these two groups of bosom buddies, The MoJo Wire has a few possible solutions to the great flag debate.

“Darkieland”

Disney wants to build a Civil War theme park, Southerners want to preserve their heritage … I smell synergy. Although Disney suffered a crushing defeat at GettysburgLand — or whatever — slavery and roller coasters remain two great tastes that taste great together. Why not take down the flag, and erect a park?

Southerners are already big on tackytourist traps, and Darkieland would give them a place to remember the glories of the Old South. Think of it as the anti-Epcot. African Americans could be hired to perform arduous, back-breaking labor and have their families split apart at the whims of their white “masters” (played by vacationing “heritage” buffs). Fun for the whole family! Er … assuming your family happens to be white, that is.

You Wear Your X, I’ll Wear Mine

This is a popular slogan throughout the South, usually found on pickup truck tailgates and at the local Klan klatch. The implication being that if blacks are entitled to wear the Malcolm X “X,” then surely it must follow that toothless crackers are entitled to fly the Stars and Bars on their greasy baseball caps and Lynard Skynard concert T’s. Well, this actually seems like a reasonable solution to me. Along with the Confederate flag, why not also raise the white X on black field above the state house?

Secession Is Still An Option

The country is a lot bigger now than it was in the 19th century. Or at least the economy is. And although we obviously want to keep Georgia — because the Atlanta airport and Ted Turner both lie within its borders — do we really need South Carolina? Ask yourself: What’s South Carolina done for me lately? Sure, I think they make rice, or something, but what’s a little rice when you’re solving socially divisive issues?

Set aside South Carolina as a sort of white homeland. This will have the additional effect of clearing out most of Alabama and Mississippi, providing a home for displaced black South Carolinians. John Rocker could serve as the new nation’s monarch.

Honesty Is The Best Policy

This jaunty flag could serve as either an addition, or as a replacement to South Carolina and Georgia’s current models. It reaffirms the positions on both sides of the great flag debate, while adding a touch of panache with its design.

Mat Honan grew up in Montgomery, Ala., and Atlanta, Ga.

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