Peter Chianca: What’s In and Out for 2014

Monday

Dec 30, 2013 at 12:01 AMDec 30, 2013 at 5:34 PM

If you’re like us, you planned to spend the last year keeping up with all the latest developments in news, politics, entertainment, sports, technology and life in general. But if you didn't, don’t worry -- we’ve encapsulated everything you missed right here, so you can pretend you were paying attention the whole time. Pretending to pay attention is in.

Peter Chianca / pchianca@wickedlocal.com

If you’re like us, you planned to spend the last year keeping up with all the latest developments in news, politics, entertainment, sports, technology and life in general. But what you wound up doing was turning on (your widescreen TV), tuning in (to the MTV Video Music Awards) and dropping out (of the participating electorate in disgust over dysfunctional national leadership).

But don’t worry -- we’ve encapsulated everything you missed right here, so you can pretend you were paying attention the whole time. Pretending to pay attention is in.

NEWS & POLITICS

In: Shutting Down

Shutting things down has been all the rage lately, notably in Congress, where pretty much the only thing they got done all year was shutting down the government. Oddly enough, some things were actually better with the government closed -- for instance, we didn’t have to feel guilty about not visiting the national parks. National parks are out.

As to the reason Congress -- mainly the Republican portion of it -- shut down the government, it had something to do with the Affordable Care Act and the fact that it was wrong to enact it, even though it was passed and ratified and declared constitutional by the Supreme Court. There was apparently an explanation, but the GOP left it to Sarah Palin to relay it, and it came out sounding like the Swedish Chef explaining bouillabaisse. In that last sentence there’s only one thing that’s out, and it’s not the Swedish Chef or bouillabaisse.

Unfortunately, the primary mechanism for rolling out the ACA was a website, the same vehicle by which we get our computer viruses and our cat videos, not necessarily in that order. (Cat videos are in, duh.) Of course it kept shutting down, leaving lots of people locked out of health insurance and Republicans calling for President Obama’s impeachment. Of course, if you could be prosecuted for computer glitches then Bill Gates would have been behind bars since 1996. (Windows is out, duh.)

Thanks to diplomacy, which is a type of interaction with foreign nations that inexplicably doesn’t involve bombs dropped from a great height, both Syrian chemical plants and the nascent Iran nuclear weapons program were shut down. That’s two feathers in the cap of new Secretary of State John Kerry, although we’re pretty sure at least one of those was negotiated by accident. Accidents are in.

The National Security Agency’s efforts to keep tabs on suspicious individuals (i.e., everybody) were shut down at least somewhat when Edward Snowden, a former CIA employee, leaked their secret documents to the press. Leaking is in, although apparently it’s frowned upon in national security circles. Who knew?

Racism is -- thankfully -- still out, and will get all sorts of things in your life shut down if you express it publicly. Just ask fatty foods guru Paula Deen, who practically got run out of town for saying she wished she was a plantation mistress, or something like that. This proved unequivocally that being racist is worse than giving everybody (including yourself) Type 2 diabetes. Diabetes is out.

Pope Benedict shut down his operation at the Vatican, and probably stood at the door on his last day waving his little fists and saying something like, “I’d just like to see the next guy try to do better than me!” Whoops! Turns out his successor, Pope Francis, has become the most popular pope since, well, ever, and that’s a lotta popes. So Pope Francis is in, and along with him tolerance and compassion. Who knew?

Out: Standing Up

Back in Congress, standing up for hours on end is definitely out -- thanks to rule changes, senators won’t be able to filibuster as much as they used to, and thanks to the “nuclear option,” they can’t filibuster on executive and judicial nominees at all, other than Supreme Court nominees. Nuclear options are in, except in Iran.

GOP legislators also seem to be having trouble standing up to Wall Street, the NRA, the far right of their party and anyone else who’s ever sent them a check. Standing up to constituents hasn’t been so much of a problem, since their checks tend to be a lot smaller. Constituents are out.

As for Democrats, they’re having their own problems standing up -- mainly to Republicans, which has been an issue at least since the Nixon administration. Democrats are out. And in case you were wondering, so is Nixon, even if the NSA is keeping up his tradition of taping everything that moves.

One Democrat no one seems to want to stand up to is Hillary Clinton -- as of right now she has a clear shot to the White House in 2016. But that’s mainly because Sen. Elizabeth Warren has said she won’t run, which is probably a good thing since she’s the only person in Congress who seems to be standing up to anybody. Actually, she seems to be standing up to EVERYBODY. That’s why Elizabeth Warren is in, and messing with Elizabeth Warren is out.

In Florida, George Zimmerman stood his ground, and apparently that’s all you need to do and you can shoot anyone you want. Shooting people is in, at least in Florida. But anybody in Florida who has any sense wants to get out. Wouldn’t you?

Marijuana is in among voters who stood up to legalize it, but it’s out among town boards, who don’t want to permit even medical marijuana dispensaries out of fear that they’ll attract a bad crowd, apparently referring to people with glaucoma and epilepsy. Meanwhile, CVS is still allowed to sell such mind-altering substances as OxyContin and circus peanuts. Circus peanuts are in.

In other drug news, smoking crack, and having yourself filmed smoking crack, and then saying you just smoked crack because you were drunk out of your gourd … In! Wait, no, it’s out. Sorry, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. On the other hand, Canadians being boring is also out, so there’s that.

And casinos, at least in Massachusetts, are in on paper, but out in anybody’s actual backyard. Turns out jobs and revenue are in, but having drunken gamblers throw up on your lawn is out. Sorry, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.

ENTERTAINMENT

In: The End

The apocalypse remains the main driving force in popular entertainment, exemplified by movies and shows like “This is The End” (rapture), “Elysium” (general neglect), “The Walking Dead” (zombies), “World War Z” (more zombies) and “The Smurfs 2” (Smurfs). There’s also of course the “Hunger Games” series, which is set in a dystopian post-apocalyptic society, or possibly Camden, N.J. New Jersey is in!

But there are also signs of a coming apocalypse littered across the cultural landscape: For instance, someday, when the story of mankind’s ultimate downfall is told, it’s bound to include something about Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball. Miley is in, but being naked on a wrecking ball is not only out, it’s unsanitary.

Other potential harbingers of society’s demise include “Duck Dynasty,” “Pretty Little Liars,” Kardashians (pick one), “Oz the Great and Powerful” and news that they’ll be rebooting “The Naked Gun,” which no doubt has the late, great Leslie Nielsen doing hilarious pratfalls in his grave. Reboots are in, God help us all.

With the end of genuine TV phenomenon “Breaking Bad” and the looming final season of “Mad Men,” gripping TV drama took a step out, but shows like “House of Cards” and “The Good Wife” are trying to keep up the good fight. Meanwhile, others like “Scandal” and “Sleepy Hollow” prove that preposterous guilty pleasures are in. (Also “Downton Abbey” -- come on, who talks like that?) And HBO continued to show that, with the proper attention to writing and production values, it’s possible to produce television entertainment that’s unprecedented in its swearing and nudity. Swearing and nudity are in!

One thing we’ve definitely seen the end of is regularly scheduled programming: Thanks to DVRs and shows like “Orange is the New Black” and “Lilyhammer” that show up on Netflix all at once, people are watching shows whenever they want. They’re also “binge watching,” which we’re sure is just as healthy as all the other types of binges.

In the music world, remaining on top of your game at what should be the end of your career is also in -- just ask Paul McCartney, John Fogerty, Bruce Springsteen and other past-60 artists who continue to pack houses and release stellar songs and albums. Also, none of them are naked on anything, much less a wrecking ball -- past-60 artists keeping their clothes on is in, thank God.

On the other end of the spectrum, 17-year-old Lorde is leading the way for sophisticated young singers with preternaturally fine pipes -- she should keep her clothes on too, like that nice Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift is in, duh.

And finally, Jay Leno is really, truly, absolutely finally ending his talk show career, until the point sometime next year when he lopes groaning out onto Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show set and eats him.

Out: Coming Back

Both Superman and The Lone Ranger were supposed to have major comebacks this past year, but it didn’t quite work out that way. “Man of Steel” featured a guy who sort of looked like Superman, but was all morose and angsty, like he needed an est seminar. (Yes, est seminars are still out … Maybe next year!) As for The Lone Ranger … I’m sorry, what were we talking about? I nodded off for a minute there.

The Jonas Brothers were planning a big comeback tour, and then had to cancel it when nobody noticed. Wait, it was actually because they kept fighting like Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly in “Stepbrothers.” Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly are in -- in the case of Ferrell’s “Anchorman 2” promos, maybe a little TOO in -- and a movie featuring them as two of the three Jonas Brothers would be the feel-good hit of the summer. (Nominee to play the third Jonas Brother: Jennifer Lawrence! She’s so in we’d watch her in anything.) Oh, and the Jonas Brothers: Out.

Lady Gaga had everyone (especially her) excited for another parade of bombastic dance grooves, ridiculous wigs, wild outfits and oddly discomfiting near-nudity, but her album “Artpop” failed to make much of a splash, maybe because people look like that at the mall now. Malls are in! As for teen sensation Justin Bieber, he’s finally getting the attention he deserves as a serious artist. Wait, no, he peed in a bucket -- I read my notes wrong.

Michael Richards, a.k.a. Kramer, was looking for a comeback in Kirstie Alley’s new show, “Kirstie.” Only problem with that plan was that it involved Kirstie Alley’s new show, “Kirstie.” So the post-”Seinfeld” score remains Michael Richards and Jason Alexander, zero, Julia Louis-Dreyfus (now on “Veep”), one meeeeeellion. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is in, and as for Seinfeld and “Seinfeld,” they never went out. Serenity now!

Not coming back, but also forever in are some luminaries we lost this year, including Lou Reed, James Gandolfini and Roger Ebert. Who come to think of it would have made an awesome alternative cast for the Jonas Brothers movie.

ETCETERA

Sports: Lawyering Up

In sports, lawyering up was in -- just ask Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez, who was indicted by a grand jury for the murder of Odin Lloyd. That’s a bad career move, even in the NFL, usually.

Athletes who didn’t kill anybody (probably) but who are still spending a good portion of their time consulting their attorneys are cyclist, blood doper, possible opponent briber and Sheryl Crow ex Lance Armstrong, and PED user and serial narcissist Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees. A-Rod is out of the Yankees, and the Yankees are down but you can never count them out. New Yorkers need to believe that or else they can’t sleep at night. Sleeping at night is out.

It probably goes without saying who’s in: the World Series champion Boston Red Sox, whose improbable resurgence delighted a nation, except for the millions of people who hate the Red Sox. Of the Sox, David Ortiz and Koji Uehara are the in local heroes, while Jacoby Ellsbury is out, having defected to the aforementioned Yankees. Who knows why he’d want to do that -- they don’t even let you grow beards there. Beards are in!

Basketball is out now that several high-profile shakeups -- notably on the Celtics, whose starting lineup now consists of five tall guys picked up off of benches in North Station -- have left some key teams less than recognizable. But hockey is back in now that they’re playing an entire season. Beating opponents into a near-coma during the game is out, though -- thanks to Bruin Shawn Thornton’s little outburst, hockey beatings will now have to take place in bars after the game, the way it should be.

Tech: Clouding Over

In the tech world, the shine has gone off Apple since its map software started sending people into rivers and people weren’t as thrilled with the idea of colored iPhones as Apple’s marketing department thought they would be. Who knew? Plus, when you see people out in the real world holding up their iPads to take pictures, let’s face it, you just want to smack them. Smacking iPad users is in.

Still, iPads in general are in, as are competing tablets like Google’s Nexus 7 and the Kindle Fire HDX. Basically if it’s shaped like a slab and you can watch “Orange is the New Black” on it, it’s in. As for your data, cloud storage is in, because the idea of all of your most important files floating out in some invisible computer limbo is just so comforting. Physical media, like hard drives and flash drives and CDs, are basically paperweights now. Using painted rocks as paperweights is out.

But while CDS are out, vinyl records are in, because they’re just so cool. Plus, you can serve crackers on them. (Crackers are in.) But downloading music is out in favor of streaming, even if hearing that word makes you have to pee. (Maybe that’s what happened to Justin Bieber.) Satellite radio is in, but terrestrial radio is out. Extraterrestrials, though: In! Take us to your leader.

As to what’s showing up on all those tablets, selfies are in, because we all look better through a fisheye lens with our lips pursed like deranged ducks. (Deranged ducks are in; see “Duck Dynasty” above under signs of a coming apocalypse.) Google is in, because duh, but Google+ is out -- we’re sticking with Facebook, which has proven the best vehicle through which to fabricate impossibly idyllic fake lives. Fake lives are in.

Lifestyles: Getting Down

Twerking is in, because we all look better … Oh forget it, I’m not even going there.

As for colors, the in color is blue. Ha-ha! Just a little color joke there -- Pantone revealed the new color for 2014 is actually "Radiant Orchid.” This is apparently some kind of lavenderish/purple kind of color. Who knew? Regardless, that’s the color your rec room is going to be this year, so you might as well get used to it.

For the kids, Beanie Boos are the in item -- they’re sort of like Beanie Babies, but with freakishly large yet oddly expressive eyes, like the girl who plays Haley on “Modern Family.” (“Modern Family” is still in.) Also rainbow bracelets and the looms used to make them, even though trying to do it will make you physically want to murder someone. (Maybe that’s what happened to Aaron Hernandez.) Also flying off the shelves are Squinkies, which may or may not be a word that we just made up.

Finally, Queen Elizabeth is out, but His Royal Highness Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge is in, proving that age-old truism: People love rich babies.

And as for lists of what’s in and what’s out -- never fear, they’re in. Duh!

Peter Chianca is editor in chief for GateHouse Media New England’s north-of-Boston newspapers and websites and author of “Glory Days: Springsteen’s Greatest Albums.” Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.