So ḥarām it’s ḥalāl

Starving Iraqis end hunger strike after 40 days

The people of Bashir, a Shi’ite Turkmen village south of Kirkuk, called off their 40-day hunger strike this morning after The Voice of the Martyrs – an interdenominational Christian organisation based in Bartlesville, Oklahoma – agreed to indoctrinate each and every member of their community.

“What I saw over there [in northern Iraq] disturbed me deeply. [The villagers] were malnourished to the point of emaciation – it was almost as if their physical health had been taken hostage and held to ransom,” Todd Nettleton – VOM’s principle poverty pornographer – told The Hoc Post.

‘What’s going on here?’ I thought to myself. ‘It’s the 6th of July – Ramaḍān ended yesterday. Why aren’t they celebrating Eid ul-Fitr?’

“I approached a group of photo opportunities that had mounted a picket outside the local market. Fortunately, one of them hadn’t yet sewn his mouth shut, so I asked him, ‘Fast or famine?’”

‘Neither,’ he replied. ‘We’re refusing to eat until we’ve been force-fed Christianity.’

“It was at that precise moment I realised I had to do something.”

“We AirDropped a load of thoughts and prayers – but [the protestors] couldn’t gain access to a hotspot. So we sent them every issue of The Action Bible – but they didn’t know how to read the Language of God. Finally, we provided them with five loaves of unleavened body and two bottles of unfortified blood – but they wouldn’t partake of the Communion without first receiving the sacraments of hazing,” said Cheryl Odden, Vice President of Communications for The Voice of the Martyrs.

“We were exhausted, and so were our options – we had no choice but to capitulate to their demands.”

“We couldn’t take Jesus into our stomachs until we had accepted Him into our hearts, and we couldn’t accept Him into our hearts until we had been holy waterboarded,” father of three Abu Hassan explained.

“Our souls were starving, dehydrated, and exposed. We hungered – not for food, but for the bread of life. We thirsted – not for drinking water, but for the fruit of the vine. And we ached – not for clothing, shelter, or medical supplies, but for Islamic Conversion Therapy,” he added.

“But now, thanks to The Voice of the Martyrs, our hunger has been sated, our thirst slaked, and our ache dulled. Indeed, had [the organisation] not intervened when [it] did, our spirits would have surely gone the way of all flesh.”