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Author
Topic: Make it stop!! (Read 7368 times)

Since last night I haven't been able to stop thinking about suicide. My brain feels funny and in high gear and it's like I am having this crazy battle with myself, do it, don't do it, do it, don't do it. I have this knife in my room and it keeps haunting me, I keep looking at it, I close my eyes and I have images of what I can do with it. Then I imagine myself downing a whole bunch of pills. Then I tell myself stop being so stupid you want to live. I have never felt like this before, there have been times where I have been severely depressed and I have had momentary thoughts of I don't want to wake up, but never actual thoughts about hurting myself. I finally got so exhausted of the constant battle of thoughts last night I finally passed out around 5 am and didn't get out of bed till 5pm, I figured if I kept sleeping I would be safe. The bad thoughts started again late this evening, I have been trying to remind myself of the good things in life but I still can't get the thoughts to stop, I feel like I am going crazy. I keep trying to work up to the courage to go to the hospital to get help but the thought of it gives me such anxiety I feel like I am going to puke, I hate this. I am waiting to get into a group therapy program, the wait list is 2 months right now. The last 2 Friday's I went to a support group that is for people waiting to get into it. I think I am writing all this to encourage myself to go get help but like I said I get this overwhelming bout of anxiety thinking about going to the hospital, I feel like I am going to panic and freak out. Fuck I don't like this.

Is there someone in your life you can call everyday - friend, family, etc? Are there even better a few people you can call on different days?

Can you see you doctor and get anti-anxiety medicine?

Are you being treated for depression and if so how?

I hear you clearly about how you are feeling. I understand it goes in cycles and the evening becomes worse.

It might be helpful if you make a point to get up in the morning and go about some everyday activities that put you in a normal world? Tell us, what these might be???

Do you work? If not, is there something you can do outside your home several times a week so you get up in the morning, or even afternoon, to be in the sun, out to do something, and see people. If not people, dogs help too. Contact with living things that show attention and caring to you and let you show it back. If you don't have an animal to take care of, go to the park and feed birds or swans or fish or pigeons. Visit the zoo. Go to the public library and read the newspaper or one of your favorite books you haven't read in a long time. Do you belong to ANY kind of church or social organization? If so, go to some weekly thing there.

That group therapy group will be very helpful but you need some structure right now, and some kind words and to see people do care about you. I also think there is medication that can dull that hideous unbearable anxiety and medicine that can make the pits of depression a bit less deep and dark. I had an anxious depression one time and these two kinds of medicine helped a lot to get through the worst time, and then later other structures took over, when i was stable, and I don't even take anti-depressants anymore, and only occasionally anti-anxieties. KNOW THAT this pain and the suicidal thoughts are temporary, can be temporary. Please discuss these feelings with your doctor, or any doctor, and ask if there is anything that can quickly dull this pain a bit. Its a crisis.

I think better living through managed chemistry is key to getting on solid ground in moments of instability like this. And then of course its all about you feeling connected to the world, and the world will see and show that you are connected.

See you write this note here and people here see it and say you are important. I am sorry you have to live this painful moment but I want you to get through it and have the soft nice days in life again.

« Last Edit: March 27, 2012, 04:16:56 AM by mecch »

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Jack I'm so glad you're here reaching out to us during what must be a distressing time for you. You are NOT alone with this experience. Others here including myself have had similar experiences of feeling suicidal and trust me they can be over come but you can't do it by yourself. You need to go to your local emergency room immediately. Please understand that these suicidal thoughts are not something you should try to cope with by yourself. They are a indication that you' re unwell and need proper medical care to help you get through this. Take care and once again get yourself to hospital. GROWLER

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“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”

Jack, if you're still feeling this way when you log in again, PLEASE do what Growler suggested and get yourself to the nearest hospital and let them know what's going on.

Sometimes when suicidal thoughts come to you from "out of the blue" and are very intrusive (like how you describe), they are caused by meds that you're taking. The Sustiva in the Atripla you take can be the culprit, and the Zoloft you're taking can be as well. (ironically, anti-depression meds can cause what's called "suicidal ideation" - intrusive thoughts of suicide - in some people)

I've had suicidal ideation caused by meds twice in my life - and I know it's not fun. It's very bewildering and outright frightening. My gut is telling me that this is what you're going through - because of how you describe having a conversation with yourself, a back and forth of "I'm going to pick up that knife/don't be so stupid". That happened to me too when I had this problem. It's like having two different people in your head. Am I getting this right? From what you've written, I think I am.

You need to speak to your doctor - or a doctor at your nearest ER - ASAP. The fact that you're telling us about what's going on tells me that you do indeed want very much to live. Chances are good that this is being caused by the Sustiva, so a med change would be a very good place for you to start.

Hang in there mate, and keep us posted. Please, please, PLEASE get some help!

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Thanks for all the support everyone, it's really appreciated. You described it perfectly Anne, that is exactly how I was feeling. I went to the hospital around 3 am and it took me forever to convince myself to go inside. I kept doing laps around the hospital outside for an hour before I went in. To my surprise there was no one in the waiting room at the ER so I got in right away - that never happens lol. The doctor saw me, I told him how I was feeling, about the knife and the pills, I had marks on my arm from where I kept pressing the knife really hard, thankfully I didn't actually cut myself.

He told me I should call my psychiatrist in the morning and gave me a sleeping pill and sent me home. All he said was I'm sorry your feeling like this but it's a good sign that you came in to get help, which is true, I was just surprised at how fast they sent me home.

I unfortunately didn't get to call my psychiatrist today because the sleeping pill totally knocked me out, I think I finally fell asleep around 6 am and I didn't wake up until 6 pm. I am going to call my psychiatrist tomorrow and see when I can get into to see her. I also wonder if I should call my HIV doctor and see about switich? Like you said Ann the Sustiva in Atripla can be the culprit. I'm just not sure if it's the Atripla, the Zoloft or the combination of them both that brought this on. When I first started on Zoloft I was only on 50 mg and I never had suicidal thoughts. I have been taking 100 mg a day for 2-3 weeks now. So confused, but happy I didn't do anything stupid.

I feel not to bad right now, no suicidal thoughts but I just took my daily dose of anti-depressants about an hour ago so we will see how that goes. I told my roommate who is also one of my closest friends, about what is going on so she can keep an eye on me.

Hey Jack, I'm really happy to hear that you're reaching out for help. I'm also really glad you confided in your room mate and that she'll be keeping an eye on you. It's a relief to know someone is there for you. Tell her "thanks" from me, ok?

Yes, please do talk to your hiv doctor ASAP and discuss changing your meds. There are many other combos you can take - and with many of them you can keep two of the meds you're already on. When they're not a part of Atripla, they're usually given in one pill called Truvada. Some of these combos are also once-a-day, so no worries there.

Sometimes doctors can be sceptical of the psychological side-effects of Sustiva and resist a person's request for a change. If this happens with your doctor, stand your ground and insist on a change. It's your right.

It could well be the increased dosage of Zoloft is also playing into this, but Sustiva is notorious for either causing depression or making existing depression worse. It never ceases to amaze me that people with a history of depression are given this drug when there are others available.

Whatever you do, please do NOT take matters into your own hands and stop taking either drug without first discussing it with both of your doctors.

Hang in there mate, you're going to be ok. Try to remind yourself when you're experiencing suicidal ideation that it's the meds, not you. It really does help when you know this - trust me, I've been there.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I will definitely tell her thanks for you and for me! I spoke to my Psychologist today and his response was "hmm that's weird, there's a small chance that the Zoloft could make you have suicidal thoughts but in the hundreds of patients I have had on that medication they've never complained about suicidal thoughts." He made me an appointment to see the Psychiatrist on April 11th. When I asked him if the Zoloft could be interacting with the Sustivia in the Atripla he said "hmmm that's quite possible, lets talk about it with the psychiatrist on April 11th".

I left a message for my HIV doctor, I think they are gone for the day so someone should call me back tomorrow. I didn't have any suicidial thoughts last night but about 2 hours after taking my Zoloft my head felt foggy and my brain and head felt tingly and my anxiety was through the roof. I kept feeling like I was going to have a panic attack and freak out. Same thing today I took the Zoloft and it's been about 2 hours and I feel all messed up and anxious and like I am going to freak out. I don't feel like myself or in control, worst feeling ever grrr.

I agree with you Ann, it's surprising that they put so many people on Atripla who have a history with depression. I remember when he started me on Atripla he asked me if I had serious suicidal thoughts in the past or tried to kill myself, I told him no but I have had serious bouts of depression, and he said "as long as you haven't had suicidal thoughts your fine to go on this medication.

Hopefully I get this sorted out soon, I hate feeling like this, I feel crazy ugh.

Jack, I totally agree with Ann. I was actually on Sustiva and had to switch due to worsening depression. The important thing you're doing is reaching out and expressing exactly what it is you're feeling. Sometimes it gets so bleak people can't even talk about what they are feeling. The fact that you can is a good sign.

I totally understand the depression thing. Today is a particularly hard day for me, no real reason, it's just hard. But the thing on my side is I know what's going on (emotionally), and can act accordingly. Which for me is just moping around, not having anything pressing, and getting back to regular life tomorrow. And not think about what's going to happen tomorrow, just knowing I can deal with it when it comes.

You talk about feeling "fuzzy" and a pending anxiety attack after you take Zoloft. I would try switching the Atripla first. Just knowing sometimes that a med can have a possible side effect (Zoloft) can prompt us to believe we are having the effect. Not that you aren't experiencing trouble with Zoloft. I'm not a psychiatrist. But I would definitely try changing the HIV med first before trying to do an anti-depressant switch, especially with what you're experiencing. When you do switch the HIV med and if you feel better in a few days, then you know what the culprit was.

Just keep reaching out. Don't isolate, even if the reaching out is here. It's important to be able to work this through with others. I personally do this, as I know when I'm really down I can be irrational, and if I talk to others who are more rational I can get through the dark times without losing hope. Good luck and keep us posted on how you're doing!

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I'm hiding in my room right now, lights off, curtains closed, hiding in my bed. My brain won't stop. I wish there was an off switch. I don't like it, I don't. On Thursday I woke up feeling amazing, I thought finally the anti-depressant is working. I cleaned the entire house, I danced, did my laundry, I felt great. My friends couldn't believe the sudden change. Everyday since then my brain feels faster and faster and faster. Last night I had the idea I needed to escape, so I was going to drive to California. I packed my bags, grabbed my passport and started driving. About 45 minutes into my drive I started calculating how much money in gas it would cost to get there and realized I didn't have enough money in my bank account. So instead I drove to Red Deer and got a bottle of water and a pack of gum. On the way back I decided it would be fun to drive in my underwear so I did. I then stopped at a resttop and decided I wanted to be one with nature and so I got naked and ran around. I got home at about 530 in the morning. I was tired but fully of energy all at the same time. I wanted my brain to stop, so I grabbed a razor and cut myself a few times on my arm, hoping it would bring me back to reality. It did not work. I laid in bed for another couple of hours and finally passed out I am assuming around 8 am. I wake up today and instantly my brain is on rapid fire. I wanted it to fucking stop. I am hiding in my bed. I have had highs and lows through out my life, but this is fucking ridiculous. FUCK! I feel like there is 2 of me, the normal person and the crazy person. The normal person is way at the bottom trying to get to the top and the crazy person is pushing the normal person down.

Understand the "make it stop." Mine was always reliving my first partner's death over and over and over like a film loop. I'd get the message he died, go through the whole funeral, see his parents off and then it would start again at the beginning. And, yes, I would walk around my room saying out loud "make it stop" over and over, holding my head in my hands as if I could squeeze it out. I would finally pass out from exhaustion. The last time it happened was the worst, I started thinking about how I could commit suicide to end it, which is what finally convinced me I needed to get help.

If you're that bad again then do what everyone has said to do...go to the hospital, especially if you've started cutting yourself...if nothing else, you might feel some control in that you were able to make yourself go to the hospital.

Sorry that you're going through all this. It's hell...there's no other description for it. But do yourself a favor and get to the hospital. When you come back you can tell us all about it. We'll be waiting...

Jack, did you hiv doctor ever get back to you? Either way, get in your car today and go to his office and make them let you talk to him - tell them it's an emergency. If they don't believe you, show them your arms. This is getting out of hand.

Like Betty, I agree that your first step should be getting off the Sustiva in the Atripla. I cannot stress enough how much this sounds like it's Sustiva induced. I've known too many people - both here and "in real life" - who went through similar. In all cases, the problem greatly improved or stopped completely - within a couple days if not within a single day.

You also need to speak to your psych doctor and you need to get the psych doctor and the hiv doctor to communicate with each other.

Hang in there - and please talk to your doctor and request a switch away from the Sustiva! You do NOT have to live like this when there are so many other effective drugs available.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Jack, screw pride and go to the doctor's. Or ER if you're feeling that desperate. You need help now. This cannot be put off. Please, please see your HIV doctor. Then your psychiatrist, as Ann says.

If you feel you still need to cut yourself, then go to the ER asap. These feelings sometimes do not go away when one gets to that stage, and only exacerbate. We do not want you to continue on in agony. Please continue to let us know how things are going.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Later that day after my last post, I freaked out and came flying out of my room, I went to my friend who I live with and just started yelling make my brain stop. I explained how it felt like the indy 500 was going on in my head and told her everything that I did. I broke down crying, my friend was awesome. She stayed calm and listened to me, didn't try to provide answers. Just kept telling me it was going to be all right and that she would go to the hospital with me if I wanted her to or just sit there and listen to me. After I was done balling my eyes out I took a shower. I felt emotionally exhausted and went to bed. I ended up sleeping for 6 hours. I woke up feeling still very tired but my brain wasn't on overdrive anymore.

On April 13th I saw the psychologist and psychiatrist. I told them everything that happened. She kept asking me a whole bunch of questions, she said that a lot of it was similar to being bipolar but she doesn't think I am bipolar because I don't go days on end without sleep. I tried to explain to her since I was a baby I have had a problem with sleeping too much, so when I am having a "high" 6 or 7 of hours asleep is not a lot for me, because when I feel normal I can easily sleep 10 or 11 hours. She said she wasn't too concerned and that to continue with the same dosage of Zoloft and wait to get into the evening group therapy program. She also told me that she wants me to go back to work 20 hours a week, I told her that I didn't feel ready and that the thought of it puts my anxiety through the roof. She said she was going to fill out the employment insurance forms she received and put down that is recommended I go back to work 20 hours a week. I am nervous about it because of all the craziness that has gone on with me these past few weeks.

I spoke to my HIV doc's office and they said it's unlikely that it was the Atripla causing the issues since I have been on it for over a year and it hasn't been an issue before.

I've told 3 of my friends what has been going on and my sister, they have been super supportive. I even told my sister about the HIV and she was awesome about it. After my emotional breakdown I have been feeling depressed and really exhausted but I guess that's normal because of all the craziness that ensued.

Just wanted to say it's good to see you on the boards again. Yes, good friends are a blessing...remember to say thank you once in a while...never hurts and they'll know that you mean it. Don't stay away so long...the boards worry!!!

I spoke to my HIV doc's office and they said it's unlikely that it was the Atripla causing the issues since I have been on it for over a year and it hasn't been an issue before.

Has your hiv doctor been living under a rock - or is he just one of those doctors who doesn't "believe" that Sustiva can mess with people's minds? Lots of people don't develop the psychological side effects of Sustiva until after they've been on it for a while. It can happen at any time, not just the first weeks or months.

I really still think you need to insist on a new combo that does not include Sustiva. What you're going through sounds like what other people I know went through - and they only felt better after they took Sustiva out of their combo and replaced it with something else.

Don't be afraid to stand up to your doctor where this is concerned. You're the one who has to live like this and take these meds, not him. It is ultimately YOUR decision whether or not to remove Sustiva from your combo, not his. It is your RIGHT to go replace Sustiva with another med and don't let your doctor convince you otherwise.

I'm glad your roommate is such a wonderful, caring person. I'm worried about you anyway, but I'd be ten times as worried if it weren't for her. Give her another hug from me, ok? Thanks.

((((((Jack))))))

Hang in there - and talk to your doctor again about the Sustiva. Remember, it's your right to request a change. Could your roommate go in to an appointment with you, to help you maintain your resolve?

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I agree with Ann -- it's well known that Sustiva can kick in with CNS effects years down the road. I would tell the doctor you want to change your med regimen immediately and if they still resist threaten to stop the drug anyway.

For what its worth. My doc would not even entertain the notion of Atripla given my family history of depression. It will never be somthing I can take... Plenty others out there. Finding the right anti is hard enough and mixing it with your ARV's is way to complicated to think about when its not even necessary..

Best wishes to you. Ive been where you have been, its not fun. But you can do something about it. I would put your local suicide crisis hotline number in your cell and have it available to you if you ever are alone. And, protect yourself from objects that could hurt you. Finally demand this be adressed, you are in control, not the doctors.....

I hope you find the right combination. Life is worth living. It really is.. Be good to yourself....

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Thanks for all the advice and support. I am doing okay, not feeling to overly depressed, just a bit blah. In the past week I have been feeling extremely exhausted for some reason. At the end of each day I feel like I ran a marathon. I have an appointment with my family doctor today (Thursday) so I am going to bring it up. I know my vitamin b12 was low over a month ago but I have been getting b12 shots every 2 weeks and taking a b12 supplement everyday.

Haven't had anymore suicidal thoughts yay! I have been attending a support group every Friday while I wait to get into the group therapy program. It shouldn't be too much longer, they told me it was 6-8 weeks to get into the program and I was told that about 7 weeks ago.

It was the nurse I talked to, to see if it was the Atripla causing the suicidal thoughts. My doctor is on vacation for 3 months - lucky bastard lol. I see him again in June. When I see him in June I am going to let him know everything that has been going on and talk to him about switching meds. When we first talked about me going on medication over a year ago I told him I have had bad bouts of depression over the years and he said that it was fine to take Atripla just as long as I haven't had suicidal thoughts before, which I hadn't.

My friends and my sister have been awesome, very supportive. It was a great relief to tell my sister about the HIV. She has been awesome. I'm trucking along and have no plans to give up

Thanks again everyone for the advice and support, I really appreciate it!!!!!

It's good to hear you're feeling a bit better, Jack. I hope your doctor is less dismissive of your very legitimate concerns than the nurse was.

Is the Sustiva disrupting your sleep? It can make it difficult to get to sleep and if you're having vivid dreams, you may not be getting enough deep sleep. I know I always wake up exhausted after a night of heavy-dreaming, and I'm not even on any meds that cause it to happen. (I just tend to dream a lot.)

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Jack, great to hear you're doing some better! Just don't forget to insist that your doctor switch your current med regimen.

That's good to hear about your sister also. It's a relief when people who are major players in our lives know our status and are supportive. I'm sure that will help a lot. Hopefully you won't have to wait too long to get into that other support group, but it's great you've got kind of a "stand in" group while waiting.

Please continue to keep us posted on how things are going!Betty

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I, too, am glad to hear that you are okay Jack! Definitely was (actually... just to be honest with you... still am) worried about you! Until you get off Atripla!! Like has been said - demand that you switch. Period. You've got some very seasoned people here that have a ton of experience suggesting it... man, just do it. You have got to tell them that this medicine is making you unstable. Tell them that you have been speaking with experienced folks on this site... I'm shocked at how lax your doctors have been to be honest. You've gotta take the bull by the horns on this one and say that you have got to switch. Please. Hang in there!!

I start my group therapy tomorrow, woot woot! It's 4 hours a day for 18 and a half weeks, I am anxious but excited. I feel like I am on the path to being a healthier person. On a crappy note my return to work hasn't been so great. I am only back part-time, and because my short term disability benefits ran out I have to transition to long term and of course, the insurance company is dragging their feet and taking forever, so my payments for the time I don't work are delayed, I would love to say I am surprised but we all know how insurance companies are. My manager has been quite the petty cow, she denied me my raise because I went on short term disability, I tried to go to HR and they told me it's between my manager and me, so basically no raise for me even though I worked my ass off last year. Also my manager gave my desk away to a temp employee while I was on leave and put all my things in a box and won't give me a desk now that I am back. She has shoved me into the mailroom with our two mailroom clerks (there is barely enough room in there for 1 person). Also it gets really hot because there is two printers a computer and a scanner and the one person really smells like B.O . My manager told me I won't have a desk until I am back full time and doing full duties and that when I am back full time maybe we can discuss my raise again - I feel like she is trying to force me back into full time before I am ready. I am not caving because a whopping 3% raise is not worth trying to work full time and doing the group therapy. If I wouldn't get fired and charged with assault I would kick my manager in the junk repeatedly hehe