Column: Local reaction to Affordable Care Act mixed

By Jon Dawson / Columnist

Published: Monday, November 4, 2013 at 09:51 PM.

“I’ll swing by the doctor’s office every few thousand miles to have all the pipes flushed, but otherwise it’s Cinco De Mayonaise all day, every day. I’m also interested in this meth I’ve been hearing so much about.”

As of this writing, improvements to the HealthCare.gov website were beginning to speed up the insurance purchasing process for consumers.

“Listen, we realize HealthCare.gov was riddled with problems when it was unveiled but that’s all in the past now,” said Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathy Sybilius. “Over the past 24 hours, over 27 Americans have been able to successfully navigate the website and purchase health insurance.”

While Sybilius’s numbers were accurate, FactCheck.org reports that three of 27 customers were stoned college students buying health insurance for their bongs.

Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase Jon’s book “Making Gravy in Public” at Amazon.com and jondawson.com.

With all the controversy swirling around the malfunction of the HealthCare.gov website, it’s taken a few days for local business owners to fully digest how they will be affected by the Affordable Care Act.

“We haven’t been able to afford pretzels for the break room since 2004,” said Terry Jones of Chilton Rental Properties in Kinston. “Right now, our company health care plan is a bottle of store-brand aspirin and half a box of kids-size Scooby Doo Band Aids under the sink. I’ve yet to take a month off of work to read up on the Affordable Care Act, but if it means we can get big-boy Band Aids, then I’m willing to give it a shot.”

While Jones contemplates the ability to purchase adhesive bandages that do not prominently feature an animated talking dog and its dope smoking dirty-hippie owner, another local business owner is contemplating shutting down completely.

“You won’t hear this on the TV, but did you know that according to the Affordable Care Act, I have to allow each of my employees to take a 30-minute nap after lunch?” said Graham Chapman, owner/operator of Ramrod Equipment Rental in Snow Hill. “It’s not a big deal for the younger guys on the crew, but you get a 48-year-old man in a deep sleep in the middle of the day and he’s pretty much furniture for the rest of the day.”

Chapman added, “If that’s not enough, most of our guys snore at a semi-pro level. It’s going to be tough maintaining a business-like atmosphere in our lobby when it sounds like the local clown college is giving a balloon animal class down the hall.”

Bucklesberry native and Applebee’s table maintenance coordinator Michael Palin thinks the Affordable Care Act is a great idea that is long overdue.

“Thanks to the ACA, I’ll have health insurance as an adult for the first time,” Palin said. “I’ve spent most of my life worrying about my health; I’ve avoided sugar, caffeine and cholesterol for the past 20 years but that’s about to change. As soon as my insurance kicks in, I plan on eating nothing but Ben & Jerry’s Ted Nougat Crunch and triple bacon cheeseburgers from here on out.

“I’ll swing by the doctor’s office every few thousand miles to have all the pipes flushed, but otherwise it’s Cinco De Mayonaise all day, every day. I’m also interested in this meth I’ve been hearing so much about.”

As of this writing, improvements to the HealthCare.gov website were beginning to speed up the insurance purchasing process for consumers.

“Listen, we realize HealthCare.gov was riddled with problems when it was unveiled but that’s all in the past now,” said Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathy Sybilius. “Over the past 24 hours, over 27 Americans have been able to successfully navigate the website and purchase health insurance.”

While Sybilius’s numbers were accurate, FactCheck.org reports that three of 27 customers were stoned college students buying health insurance for their bongs.

Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase Jon’s book “Making Gravy in Public” at Amazon.com and jondawson.com.