It’s all about the facilities for Alan Shearer

Forget the topsy-turvey drama of West Brom-West Ham, for Alan Shearer it was more about the paraphernalia :

“This game had everything, goals, crossbars, posts…”

PLAYING FROM AMNESIA

The Soccer Saturday gang had been more absorbed by the Hammers’ comeback at the Hawthornes, but just seven days on from Newcastle-Arsenal, somebody had rebooted Paul Merson:

“I’ve never seen a game turn on its head like this.”

Trevor Francis had learned nothing either:

“Believe me, this game is over.”

RISKY BUSINESS

In fairness to Merse he did attempt to talk Arsenal through avoiding future capitulations, even if his methodology seemed to leave rather a lot to chance:

“Even if you don’t touch the ball again you shouldn’t concede four goals.”

ON THE EDGE

But it was the Hammers hitting the bar that sent Merse into overdrive:

“Oh West Ham, a margin, an absolute margin!”

CLOSE ENOUGH

At the Emirates, Stephen Alkin buckled under the pressure of commentating and counting at the same time:

“The Welsh international keeper standing tall between Arsenal and what would surely be a second or third goal.”

SELF-PRESERVATION SOCIETY

After some misleading news from Barnet, Jeff Stelling wasn’t going to take any chances:

“Tommy Fraser has not been sent off. And I want to make it very clear that the information that he did came from our wire service, because Tommy is related to Frankie Fraser, the famous London gangster.”

WORD OF THE WEEK

Tony Gale at Arsenal-Wolves:

“There’s nothing contentional there.”

RUNNER-UP

John Aldridge pays tribute to Kenny:

“He’s reinstored the belief.”

TALL TALES

Quiz time on Talksport: “In centimetres what is the combined height of Nicola Zigic and Aaron Lennon?”

Caller: “Ahh… 3600?”

GIZZA JOB

Good of Sky to give Big Sam one more opportunity to pop into the Goals on Sunday studio to print out CVs. Cue a prodigious boasting session, the highlight of which was probably this:

“I could unlock any team in a million ways.”

GOING SOFT

Chris Kamara insists it’s a testament to Big Sam’s triumph over adversity that he recovered from that debilitating bone disorder he suffered at Bolton. Oh, hang on…

“You had Ricketts didn’t you… not personally?”

OVER-REACTION?

As far as Dion Dublin is concerned, fining players two weeks’ wages just doesn’t cut it anymore: