Under siege Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn today was forced to admit that he isn’t actually divine following a failed attempt to feed five thousand supporters in Parliament Square using only five loaves and two fishes.

“I’m a bit disappointed in Jeremy actually,” said Labour voter Tristram Helvellyn. “He promised us a meal, and he sent a tray round with five loaves of Hovis, and two kipper fillets, assuring us that there was enough to go round. There wasn’t. From what I heard afterwards, one bloke whacked the two kippers between two slices of Hovis and scoffed it, and a few others got a slice of dry bread. It’s just not good enough. I think he should resign.”

“This is what you get with the Islington set,” a disgruntled Labour supporter from Sheffield complained. “Delia Smith’s not good enough for these bastard champagne socialists, oh no, they have to go all fucking Nazarene on us. No wonder Labour are in the shit. They’re so fucking out of touch with reality that they’ve allowed that absolute tit, Farage and his apostolic knuckle dragging racist morons to take the initiative. For fuck’s sake – we just want a Labour party to represent the ordinary people, a fair party who fight for what’s right and don’t serve the ruling elite by tolerating tax evasion, and don’t kiss the arses of the banks and the globalist elite. Five loaves and two fishes, I ask you – it’s a fucking joke. Why not play it the SNP way and actually try representing the people? Or is that too much to fucking ask, coming from the mugs who pay these pricks wages?”

In related news – England are still crap at football, although no-one can accuse the current squad of inconsistency – they bottled it. As usual.

MP’s based in the House of Commons are threatening to go on strike after being told they face mandatory random drug testing, like footballers and athletes and employees of puritanical multi-national corporations. Members of the National Union of MP’s have slammed the move and are threatening a series of one day strikes in protest at what they describe as “an unjustifiable assault on our human rights.”

One particular MP complained: “I’m not having this. Who is anyone to make life changing decisions affecting my professional life? I didn’t study all my life to become a freeloading profiteer only for some fucking oik to start poking his bastard nose in. I’m a human being too for Christ’s sake.

“Just because I have an addiction to Colombian marching powder doesn’t mean I cant do my job properly. This is a bridge too far. Before we know it they’ll be clamping down on our tax avoidance schemes and scrutinising our expense accounts. If I choose to snort Charlie off an escort’s tits that’s my business. We’re all together on this one. We aren’t having it.”