sometimes i just don't know what i'm saying

Month: June 2015

I’ve been trying to figure out what my next blog post should be. I haven’t really defined my blog. Do I really need to define it? Maybe I do. But I figured maybe my next post should be something honest.

I have a confession to make.

Don’t worry, I’m not Kel. I don’t even like orange soda.

And no, I didn’t put the screw in the tuna.

You know how I said in my last post not to give up? Well, I sort of did. I’ve been down and moody, upset and angry, and it’s all because I gave up.

Now, that’s a bit of a lie, given how I’ve had an interview or two in the interim. I’ve applied for positions to not hear back — and that’s fine, I wasn’t shortlisted. But I gave up in the sense that I feel like I’m going nowhere — and I’ve admitted it.

I haven’t done a lot of what I’ve wanted to do because of this. I haven’t online shopped since my birthday. I haven’t gone to bed early for the heck of it. I haven’t written anything creative despite wanting to. I have placed all these blocks on myself and for what?

I’ve found that it is too easy to fall into a bubble of negativity. I do believe it’s necessary sometimes, to fall into a bit of a hole where you feel like nothing is going your way. It’s horrible to experience and it’s horrible to think about, but, it made me change a few things in my life. However permanent these may be, we’ll see.

But I’ll tell you what changed.

I started opening up to some good mates of mine about how I felt. I’d been keeping my own feelings to myself and acting like a happy-go-lucky kind of girl without any worries of my own. I didn’t like to burden people with it. But friends are there to let you burden them. And they’re there to help you unburden yourself. I started to be open on my Facebook about how I felt, and I’ve had people support me and maybe even act differently toward me (the good kind of different, before you even worry) because they understood I was struggling. I’ve acknowledged why I am unhappy with myself. I’ve acknowledged what I want to achieve. And after speaking to a good mate on our Saturday Maccas run, while also chatting to a good buddy overseas, I’ve decided to make myself a promise to do what I want and to make time for myself.

So, if you’re feeling blue and you’re down in the dumps, promise me one thing: Be down, be in the dumps, but do something you want to do. Go for a walk, a bike ride. Read a book. Buy something gorgeously expensive online. (Look, I am. And lets hope I get the sizes right this time.) Admit you’re not happy and then be happy, because it worked for me. My upward climb is slow, but I’m in control of whether or not it’s steady.

The valuable lesson I learned this month? People will always want the best for you, even when you don’t want it for yourself. But there is power in wanting the best for yourself, too. Do what you want. Try and achieve what you want to achieve. Give yourself permission to want what you want and go for it. Stop holding yourself back, or I will put a screw in your tuna.