An Ol' Broad's Ramblings

Archive for 22 November 2012

WASHINGTON D.C. – Congressional watchers were stunned today by an announcement from House Speaker John Boehner’s office. In a carefully crafted statement the top republican revealed that his family was purchasing the fast food chain Taco John’s. The franchise, which advertises itself as “The Fresh Taste of Tex-Mex” confirmed the sale this morning. According to Congressional rules sitting Congressmen are forbidden from profiting from private holdings.

Boehner’s chief of staff Barry Steven Jackson tried to clarify what he called, “Misunderstandings” in the press handout. Mr. Jackson said that the Speakers’ son, who he referred to as “Little Juan” was the buyer of the restaurant chain. Republican Boehner’s only role in the franchise would be as “Saludador” or Greeter.

Media trucks lined the streets for the Speakers first official appearance at the grand opening of the new Taco John’s in Suwanee Georgia. Reporter’s cameras were trained on the Speakers limo as it rolled into view. It was clear that the oversized Lincoln had undergone substantial renovation. The car now rode a mere few inches above the pavement ala “Low Rider” style and the front license plate read “Juan” in glittery script. Before the limo reached the curb it performed an alternate side to side raising and lowering while the horn sounded the first few notes of “La Cucaracha” to the cheers of the waiting crowd. As the driver settled the vehicle curbside, lights beneath it bathed the pavement a pale blue.

As Speaker Boehner emerged from the rear of the limo subdued giggles could be heard. The top republican was outfitted in the traditional Jalisco Traje de Gala costume normally worn by Mariachi musicians. His highly polished black boots sprouted glistening silver tips. As he strutted towards the speaking platform he fitted the sombrero he was carrying atop his head to complete the transformation. Reporters raced to question Senor’ Boehner whose only reply was, “Hola Amigo’s.”

When the Speaker settled behind the raised podium the late afternoon sun revealed that he had spent a few extra hours exercising his all day pass at the Congressional tanning salon. Immediately in front of the podium a huge banner expressed the day’s sentiment, “Bienvenido My Fellow Americanos.”

The Speaker only spoke for a few short minutes during which he expressed his sincere respect for traditional “Tex-Mex” cuisine. He also offered a “Shout Out” to all his Compadre’s in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Florida, Iowa, Colorado, Virginia, Wisconsin and especially California.

Republican Boehner declined to comment on his new part time position. He did say that his favorite item on the Taco John menu was the, “Baja Spineless Wings.”

Back in Washington DC former House Speaker, Democrat Nancy Pelosi was contacted for a comment on Speaker Boehner’s new role. She wished Mr. Boehner well in his new endeavor but did say that, “It was the worst case of political pandering she had ever seen.”

This story is entirely fictional and should not be believed by anybody!

Happy Thanksgiving from The Heritage Foundation! As we celebrate and give thanks today, we invite you to read President Abraham Lincoln’s 1863 Thanksgiving Proclamation below.

The year that is drawing toward its close has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added which are of so extraordinary a nature that they can not fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever-watchful providence of Almighty God.

In the midst of a civil war of unequaled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign states to invite and to provoke their aggression, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere, except in the theater of military conflict, while that theater has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union.