Secret Diary of a Provincial Man

Hari-kari and kowtow

It comes as no surprise to me to learn of Iain Duncan Smith's Japanese ancestry. There is the look of the orient about him. And, when quizzed by John Humphrys, some of his answers were somewhat inscrutable. Perhaps he should fall on his sword, and give old Clarkie a chance. Speaking metaphorically, of course.

I have been preoccupied lately with thoughts about my half-brother, Brett. Where is he? Does he still live with his mother, Doreen Slater, aka Stick Insect? How tall is he? I wish I'd been called Brett, rather than Adrian. Bretts climb mountains, play lead guitar at Wembley Stadium and take beautiful women to bed, etc.

My newly wed parents seem less in love than they did last week. My mother was prescribed new spectacles yesterday, and was able to see my father clearly for the first time in many years. She confessed to me that she was "gobsmacked" at "how old your dad looks. What's happened to his face?" She said that he looks like some "sort of reptile". I explained to her that during the time he was married to Tania Braithwaite, she had insisted he attend a tanning parlour once a week. My mother snorted contemptuously, and said, "That's not all she insisted on. He's learned a few tricks in bed that I'm not happy with."

Thursday, September 6

I have decided to make contact with Brett. So I asked my father to come for afternoon tea. Over cucumber sandwiches and a pot of Earl Grey, I asked him bluntly if he has any contact with his other son. My father avoided the question by complaining about the sandwiches, calling them "poncy", and the tea, saying it was "as weak as a sailor's arsehole". Eventually, he confided to me that he had been sending Doreen Slater £20 a week since Brett's birth. He was glad that Brett had won a scholarship to Balliol College, Oxford to read English, because it meant him being 20 quid a week better off.

Balliol College, Oxford! How did he do it? His mother was a slag who was so thick she thought a semi-colon was a partial colostomy. I have written to Brett, care of Balliol College. The formality of a letter is needed, in the circumstances.

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