~ Fighting for my right to stay out of the mommy wars

Monthly Archives: January 2016

Back in the early days of my pregnancy I interviewed every midwife practice in the city except for one (because I couldn’t get on the wait list there for an appointment). I knew right away that ONE practice was absolutely out of the question, because SHE was now working there, but I wanted to see what they were about anyway. Then I went to my old practice and mentioned the growth restriction and how I’d had to abandon my home birth. “That’s funny,” the midwife who was not at the practice 2 years ago said, “your records indicate the ultrasounds all came up fine.”

Cue Jim Carrey’s “re-he-he-heeeeelly” because that’s news to me. I was aware that Jules thought they were WRONG, but I didn’t know that they were all NORMAL. What the ever loving fuck?

Anyway, long story short, I went with a completely holistic practice also known as Midwife Interview #3. I then asked if I could see my pregnancy and birth records, because going to the hospital to request them seemed impossible for me at that point. I hadn’t gone through all my birth trauma counseling sessions yet, and I couldn’t even think about setting foot in that place just to REGISTER. So she photocopied them for me, handed them to my husband, and told him to read them first in case he felt there might be something that would upset me. She wanted me to have a stress-free pregnancy; totally understandable.

So for most of my pregnancy I was unaware (but very curious) of what was in those records.

Then a few weeks ago I finally saw them. Nothing triggered me because the trauma counseling helped me move past it all, but I DID get mad. Furious, actually.

BECAUSE FROM 37 WEEKS UNTIL 39 WEEKS, SHE KNEW THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG.
Was my son’s head larger than the rest of him? Yes. His head measured far ahead of the rest of his body, meaning that was the first part that was finished growing. His belly was obviously the last; he was still just putting on the weight at 35 weeks. But all the scans done over the course of that month, all FOUR additional scans, said GROWTH NORMAL.
GROWTH F***ING NORMAL!

Know what I heard at each appointment, every week, when SHE was on rotation and I inquired for the 100th time on how his growth was doing, and whether or not I could have a home birth because I REALLY didn’t want to be in the hospital?

“He won’t tolerate labor. He’s still in the 2nd percentile. He’s not big enough. Go for more tests if you don’t want to be induced. But you have to have him at the hospital so a pediatrician or another specialist can monitor him”.

And I f***ing believed her. I thought “she wouldn’t say this if there wasn’t a concern” and I went for more tests. I read up on c-sections and got overly anxious. I cried. I pleaded with my son to come out soon, because I just wanted this nightmare to end. I wanted it over and done with. And I was devastated that I had to be in the hospital.

I went through all that fear, all that pain, all that trauma, all that frustration and annoyance and irritation with the nurses and the hospital for not letting me leave right after the birth. I went through all that denial, the anger, the “well meaning” and “placating” comments of the family and friends who just didn’t get why I was so upset, because the hospital couldn’t have been “that bad” and “better safe than sorry” and “get over it already” FOR NOTHING.

Know what could have happened a WEEK after that follow up growth scan? At 37 WEEKS I could have learned that growth was normal; he was just really far down, and it messed with the fundal height, and his big head had thrown off the rest of the growth measurements, and he still had lots of time to put on weight. I could have learned that because there were NO issues with the cord or placenta that it was impossible for him to have a true growth restriction. At 37 weeks, I could have gone ahead and ordered the birth pool liner (the midwives had a pool for me to use) and gathered the last bit of supplies I needed. I could have gone ahead and had the beautiful home birth I’d envisioned. I could have pushed on my hands and knees, instead of semi-sitting (which I’ve since learned is JUST AS BAD as if I were flat on my back) and I likely would not have been stressed, fearful of being cut, and I certainly wouldn’t have suffered that tear. I would have spent the night home in my own bed, instead of lying in a semi-conscious state in that hospital bed while women down the hall screamed their babies out. I wouldn’t have re-lived the trauma of my birth in that “sleep”. I wouldn’t have had to fight nurses off in labor to just leave me alone because damn it, I already said NO three times to the blood draw and you’re STILL not leaving!

If I’d known what I know now, I could have spent those months enjoying my son, without constantly having that cloud of regret and anger hanging over his birth. I wouldn’t have had to recount every part that went “wrong”. I wouldn’t have become so obsessive over planning the next baby. I wouldn’t have approached two of my son’s birthdays with nightmares of the birth itself, and the anger and regret and despair wouldn’t have poisoned that month for me.
But she LIED.

I don’t know what her motivations for lying to me were and honestly I don’t care anymore. She had NO RIGHT to destroy that experience for me. NO REASON to tell me to keep going for tests when she KNEW we couldn’t afford to have my husband miss time from work. NO REASON to keep me in a constant state of anxiety (and she KNEW I was anxious) because I really, really, didn’t want to abandon my home birth. Hell, I planned to just not go into the hospital and just say I changed my mind; I didn’t know that policy would screw that up.

So I wrote a letter to the Registrar after I read the records. I filed a complaint, after two years, because I can no longer give her a pass. I used to wonder if maybe she didn’t know. Maybe the growth scans weren’t saying enough until 39 weeks when Jules called me?

Maybe there was that small chance they were right?

But no, the truth is in black and white, plain for me to see. My medical records are my proof that it wasn’t a “mistake”. It was a blatant lie, either to cover her ass or because she didn’t want to deal with a home birth first time mother, or for some other selfish reason that had nothing to do with actual necessity.

So I don’t care what trauma she’s dealing with. I don’t care one bit what this letter might mean for her professionally either. She screwed up, and it was deliberate. And you don’t f*** with me! You don’t put me through HELL for no good reason. You don’t LIE to me. You don’t ruin my ONE chance to have a beautiful first birth, my introduction to motherhood, unless there’s a legitimate medical reason.

I did not receive Respectful, Evidence Based Care from her. I did NOT have my right of Informed Consent. Instead I was told “this is what you have to do; just accept it. Don’t question it. I’m right, you’re wrong.” And because I didn’t know any better back then, I listened. And all I can say is that it’s not MY fault. It’s 100% on her, and I will NOT give her the benefit of the doubt anymore.

When to STFU and When to Comment: A Guide on being a Decent Human Being.

The internet parenting forums are a place where common sense and decency seems to go off to die, and then two seconds later someone gets offended by that statement 😉 I have always tried my best to navigate this landmine-filled place as best as I can, but it seems other people still have difficulties. So I’ve compiled a handy cheat sheet to follow with several scenarios. If your answer isn’t the one that’s in bold-face type, then you’re doing it wrong.
1. You come across a post from a mother who states “I’m letting my baby cry it out” or some other statement that implies a choice has already been made. She is asking OTHER moms who have done the same thing what methods worked for them. You don’t believe in Crying it Out; you’re a Co-sleeper. You know all the benefits of co-sleeping and yes, you do feel sorry for those babies who are left to cry. However, this isn’t YOUR child. Do you…

a) Scroll past without leaving a comment and don’t give it another thought
b) Leave a comment stating the harm of crying it out and tell this mom that she needs to stop immediately
c) Mention that you have no advice because you didn’t/couldn’t do this to your own precious baby and how much “better” your way is

2. You come across a post from a mother who asks “what are the risks/benefits of this method vs a different method? I want different opinions so I can figure out what will be best for me.” Do you…
a) Get into a lengthy argument with everyone in the forum who disagrees that YOUR way is the BEST wayb) Provide the information requested, based on the research YOU did, and explaining WHY your way worked for your kid, but leave the decision up to the mother and respectfully stay out of any wars raging in the comments section
c) Tell the mother that all the other ways are stupid and she just needs to do what YOU did, regardless of whether or not it will actually work for her

3. You come across a post from a mother who is asking for advice on an unnecessary induction for just being past her due date, but she is just being told to “do what the doctor tells her”. She doesn’t want to do this and wants to know her options.
a) Tell her that YOU were induced and it was horrible/the best thing ever, and to just suck it up because a healthy baby is all that mattersb) Scroll past; you don’t have any evidence to help her, just experiences or anecdotal stories as to why she needs to just suck it up and do what the doctor saysc) Provide her with the evidence, link to articles supporting this evidence, and let her know that it is always her decision, because you DO have information to share. Then you offer to give her more info if she’d like and let her make the next move.
d) Get into a lengthy argument with everyone else in the forum who disagrees with you, ignoring the original poster’s questions and not posting any helpful information other than opinion.

4. In a forum where people are discussing natural birth/opting out of unnecessary testing etc, of which you share their views, someone who clearly DOESN’T pipes up and attacks you, saying you’re “killing your baby”. Do you
a) Call her an ignorant bitch and proceed to tell her off for daring to question you, then getting into a lengthy troll-war with her that results in name calling and mother shaming.b) Respectfully tell her that it’s your choice and the choice of every other mother who has commented thus far, and that you all have done your research and feel this is the right decision. If prompted further, you continue to present the evidence, your perspective, and tell her she’s free to disagree, but based on your evidence you and other women still feel that what they are doing is not harming anyone.c) Ignore her.

5. A mother has posted an innocent question about home birth or some other “controversial” issue AND a choice has clearly been made. You notice the commenters are being very mean to her, not supporting her at all, and ignoring her question entirely. You have information that will help her, and you don’t want to leave the poor mama thinking that she’s wrong for what she feels is right for herself and her child. Do you

a) Tell off everyone in the forum who is shaming herb) Post the information she’s looking for and treat the post as if you were directly speaking to her (ignoring the haters)

6. You come across something that is incredibly offensive to you. You seriously can’t EVEN! Do you…
A) Immediately comment about how sick everyone agreeing with it isB) Scroll past and hope the admins take care of it soon
7. You see a picture of a mother breastfeeding her child. You know it’s technically allowed and that it’s not actually “offensive” but you don’t want to see it. Do you…
a) Immediately post about how disgusting all these breastfeeding pics are or comment on the photo itselfb) Scroll past and ignore it
c) Complain to the admin about yet ANOTHER breastfeeding picture and demand they remove it

8. After being in this forum/group you’ve noticed that nothing supportive is ever acknowledged and it’s a toxic and nasty environment. You’ve had enough! Do you

As you can see, it’s really not that difficult to navigate the forums and NOT be an asshole. But when in doubt, please keep referring back to this cheat sheet. Hopefully those who WANT to be decent human beings will benefit, and those who obviously don’t, well, now you know that you’re an asshole. Feel free to comment about how offended you are by that statement while the rest of us ignore you 😉

To the Concerned Family and Friends Who Said Co-Sleeping Was a Bad Idea…

I don’t like to brag, gloat, or say “I told you so”, and I’m in no way a “perfect parent”. I’m aware that every child is different, every parent is different, and every family is different. I am in no way judging you for YOUR choices that YOU feel were right FOR YOU. But for just one moment, I need to say this…

I TOLD YOU SO!

Remember when I first brought my son home and let him sleep on my chest? How I rarely put him down in the crib or bassinet? How I nursed him whenever he wanted it? I do. And I also remember this:

“He’ll never sleep on his own if you don’t put him down in his crib. He’ll come to associate nursing with sleep, and he’ll NEVER break the habit. You’ll still have to rock him to sleep every night. You need to sleep train that baby.”

So I tried to put him down in his crib, but neither of us liked that arrangement. So I went back to doing what worked for me. Then he hit six months old, when everyone else I seemed to know had “trained” their babies. Three days of inconsolable crying, they said. That’s all I had to get through, and then he’d fall asleep on his own without a fuss. Well, I couldn’t do it. So when my son was getting too heavy for me to be holding in my arms during naptime, I moved nap time to the bedroom. I laid down with that little boy, let him nurse and snuggle against my chest, and I spent those two hours on my tablet playing games and reading whatever I wanted to. Or I napped WITH him. And for this I heard…

“He’s too old to still need to nurse off you to fall asleep. He should be sleeping in his own room. You will NEVER break him of that habit of needing you to be next to him while he’s sleeping. You’ll NEVER get anything done!”

And I ignored this ‘advice’ because I liked napping in the middle of the day and it was really no big deal. I had my tablet and my Nintendo DS to play with. And eventually I got to the point where I COULD slip away for an hour or two while he napped, or when he went to bed at night. Sure, he would wake up and cry for me, and I’d come back and nurse him down to sleep. Sometimes I stayed, other times I left to watch the rest of my movie with my husband. But the older he got, the more time I found I could spend away from him. Then he hit 18 months and I started hearing it again…

“He doesn’t need you. He needs to be a big boy and sleep in his own room. You will NEVER get that child out of your bed now!”

So I moved him into his own room and I set up a floor bed for us, because my husband getting up in the morning for work (or snoring) was disturbing our sleep and there wasn’t room for all three of us in bed anymore. He was 20 months old when I did this; almost a year ago. And I still nursed him to sleep, still held him and let him snuggle against me. And I would slip out of his room and go spend time with my husband or get things done during the day, and he would wake maybe once or not at all. And I heard…

“You should just be sleeping in your OWN bed and when he cries, go to him, put him back to sleep and then leave again. You shouldn’t be staying in there all night. You will NEVER get that child to sleep without nursing or sleeping without you. He’s too old for this!”

And I ignored them, because once again, I didn’t think that I was doing anything wrong. As far as I was concerned, progress HAD been made. Was it as quickly as other people might think I needed it to be? No, but it WAS progress, and in all the progress I’d made not ONCE did I have to resort to weaning my son or leaving him to cry.

So he hit 2 years old, and some days he nursed in the middle of the night and in the mornings and some days he chose to nurse only once or twice to help him fall asleep at naptime and bedtime. There were nights when he’d roll away from me after he had nursed, and he’d be asleep for hours without me having to wake him. Good thing, too, because it was around this time that my fertility returned and I was trying actively to get pregnant again. But still, people were telling me…

“He’s too old to still be nursing AT ALL! You should just cut him off. And stop sleeping in his room. Are you going to still be doing that when you’re six months pregnant???”

Well, let’s just say that I continued to cover my ears, because this mama knows what works for her. And so yes, I stopped nursing my son when at 8 weeks pregnant I realized that continuing was aggravating my nausea too much. For the record, I would have happily nursed him longer had my daughter not made that so uncomfortable for me, but after a few months of slowly weaning him off his last nursings I was done with that part of our relationship. He took instead to wanting to cuddle, hold my hand, or weirdly enough, stroke and hold my hair. He still woke up in the middle of the night if I wasn’t beside him, but it happened a lot less frequently. By the time Christmas rolled around, I was sleeping in bed with my husband some nights (though I still mostly slept in my son’s room) and Christmas Eve he slept in his room by himself ALL NIGHT.

Now it’s January. He still wakes sometimes (particularly more often when his molars are bugging him, because molars are EVIL) but here’s where we are at right now:

He’s no longer sleeping ON me for naps and bedtime

He no longer needs me to nurse him to sleep

He’s in his own room in his bed on the floor

He is no longer needing to sleep with me beside him the entire time to STAY asleep

He sometimes wakes and falls back asleep before I get to his room

He is sleeping ALL NIGHT without waking unless his teeth are bugging him

He is also now sleeping ALL NIGHT in his own room WITHOUT me having to be there

The older he gets the more progress he makes toward independent sleep WITHOUT any effort on my part

So yes, I DID get him out of my bed. I DID get him to sleep without nursing. I DID manage to sleep in my own bed apart from him at least part of the time. And I did it ALL without any sleep training.

Did it take longer than if I had forced my son to sleep on his own before he was actually ready to? Yes. It took 2 years and 9 months. But it DID happen, and now that I’m past all of that I can look back on that time and see just how short it really was. It wasn’t “forever”, even though in the beginning it seemed like he would remain in a certain stage for eternity. But all kids grow up, and I’m glad that I went with my instincts and just did what felt natural and right for me and my boy. He’s napping right now, as I type this; has been for just over an hour, and likely to sleep a little longer. He’s in his own bed in his room, and it took less than 15 minutes for me to settle him down and then slip away. Just six months ago it used to take far longer to get him to calm down enough for sleep. A year ago I couldn’t get him down unless he was nursing. A year before that he had to sleep in my arms and if I moved away he’d wake up crying after 30 minutes.

But now he’s independent, and he will CONTINUE to make progress until the day he announces he wants his own big boy bed in his own room apart from me and his sister. And that day will come sooner than it may feel like it will, just as the day will come when my daughter no longer will need to sleep in my arms either. Will it be in the same time frame as her big brother? I don’t know; all babies are different. This one might break away sooner, or she might snuggle a little longer; but eventually she too will move on. And then the big bed will be mine and hubby’s again, and the kids will be “too old” to want anything to do with cuddling mommy and daddy. They will want their own space, and that’s the way things are supposed to be. But while they’re still little and still want me around, I’m not going to push them to grow up. I will enjoy the baby and toddler cuddles while I can, and know for a fact that no matter how many times someone tries to convince me that I will “NEVER GET THE KIDS OUT OF MY BED”, I now have the experience to know that’s simply not true. You just don’t appreciate how short the time really IS until you’re past it.