Monday, November 30, 2009

Much like Parents of the Year Mayumi and Richard Heene, fellow oddly-named scumbags Michaele and Tareq Salahi know the quickest way to strike it rich in America involves doing something tacky and quasi-illegal, and then getting the elitist media to cover it endlessly, and turn a handsome profit in no time at all!

It's the American way!

Why else would that nice couple from the upcoming reality TV show "The Real Housewives of Washington DC" sneak their way into the White House and crash President Obama's first state dinner if they didn't care that much about America?

It's not like gatecrashers Michaele and Tareq are bankrupt, fame-obsessed celebrity-wannabees with a long, bizarre history of crashing A-list soirees, who owe money all over town but have no way of coming up with the cash unless...

Wait. You don't think this fab duo figured they might be able to use their gatecrashing skill (hot blonde+rich "ethnic" dude) and almost celebrity status to oh, I don't know, let's say, break into a presidential banquet, Facebook the sh*t out of their latest crazy accomplishment, and then sell their wacky White House adventure to the highest bidder for a handsome six-figure sum, do you??

And to think, I just figured they were happy, well-adjusted individuals with deeply fulfilling lives who in a sudden surge of patriotic love and pride decided they simply had to get a handshake from that man everyone was always buzzing about, Barack something or other.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Doesn't it seem like just yesterday when the leader of this fair country was a brave cowboy named George W. Bush, every day was filled with sunshine and rainbows, and there was nary a care in the world?

Ah yes, those lazy days when America was blessed with the maverick stylings of a certain Wasilla wonder before she ditched her political ambitions (and the state of Alaska) to Go Rogue ($7 million times over) and become the world's most famous star on Facebook!

But luckily we can all give thanks knowing we'll always have cherished memories of those glory days when nothing spread holiday cheer like a good, old fashioned turkey massacre, courtesy of our favorite Alaskan snowflake Sarah Palin, in all her true brilliance.

And to think it would be a whole year and 133 pages into Going Rogue to truly understand the sheer brilliance of a woman who feels most comfortable conducting holiday interviews amid a backdrop of blood, guts, and squawking turkeys shoved into meat grinders!

“If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?” Going Rogue, p.133

Or gave them beautiful ivory tusks and antlers, if He didn't intend for us to use them as office decorations? I mean there's only so many hides and horns and a room can handle before it just becomes downright gaudy!

Of course in the dark ages before the Internets and YouTube, we were spared from such cruel and awkward moments, best captured by a single B&W or color photo, if anything at all, to be relegated to the dustbins of the Oval Office, when the U.S. president is forced to humor the rest of us simpletons by pardoning a turkey in some ridiculous presidential tradition.

But thanks all this off-the-hook youth technology, we now have full length videos capturing every painfully awkward moment of our very own president Barack Obama's best attempt to deal with the humiliating reality of granting freedom to fowl by "joking" about wishing he was "doing something other than pardoning a turkey and sending it to Disneyland."

But since duty calls, he was "pleased to announce that "thanks to the interventions of Malia and Sasha--because I was planning to eat this sucker--'Courage' will also be spared this terrible and delicious fate."

Not so for Sasha and Malia who were forced to alternately chill, squirm and occasionally rock back-and-forth in typical tween boredom while their Dad said some funny stuff, some stuff they didn't get but he found really funny (soooo embarrassing when he does that!), some smart, boring stuff, blah blah blah...did he say Bo? Bo wouldn't kill "Courage," Daddy, stop laughing, that isn't funny!...Wonder if he's ever gonna stop talking...blah blah blah for approx. 7 mins and 56 until he was done and they could finally go chow down on Courage's first-cousin, Cowardice.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Dim-witted golden-haired starlet Dana Perino was apparently too busy dusting Ronnie Reagan figurines in the White House attic to remember a certain Tuesday in September, 2001 when some real meanie terrorists decided to crash two planes into the twin towers, killing some 3,000 people, sending the nation into panic, and forever altering the course of history.

Unlike the recent Fort Hood shooting which the Obama administration is clearly too pussy to label a terrorist attack, the perpetrators of 9/11 weren't al-Qaeda operatives or anything because everyone (and certainly the former White House spokesperson) knows there were NO TERRORIST ATTACKS ON AMERICA during George W. Bush's presidency. The man kept us as safe and snug as Junebugs in summer, she'll have you know!

And since the network behind Dana's mind-blowing revelation happens to be Fox News, it naturally doesn't matter if the statement is true, rational, or in Ms. Perino's case, the biggest load of bullsh*t ever told, so long as the lingering effect is lightly-veiled racism masked by ignorance.

Which helps explains why, upon hearing an actual George W. Bush White House spokesperson saying the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history never actually happened at all, or at least not under King Georgy's watch, neither Sean Hannity nor Fox's token head-shaking "expert" cause he sounds all smart and Britishy, bats an eye.

Welcome to the new Fox News reality, that magical happy place where some brainless testosterone ball with a thick neck and even thicker New Jersey accent passes as a respectable journalist and hot former press secretaries can sound more insane than the drunk homeless schizophrenic woman who lives in the ally across the street.

So kudos to Dana for retroactively preventing the non-terrorist attacks of 9/11 by reminding us who was not(?) president, responsible (or reading to children at the Emma E. Booker Elementary School) at the exact moment the first plane (and second...) hit the tower and also for having the guts to tell us simpletons what a terrible terrorist attack is--Obama and Fort Hood--and what it isn't--Bush and 9/11.

For all 13 and 3,000 reasons, respectively.

President John McCain will now present you with the Nobel Peace Prize he just won but can't accept because of integrity and also cause he's afraid of Liz Cheney.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

As the sole beacon of light and truth in today's dreadful world of health care reform death squads and due process of the law for terrorists, Fox prides itself on bringing fair and balanced news to all the people who make up the bestest, most awesomest nation on God's green Earth, America.

The good folks of the mighty U.S. of A depend on Fox News to keep them up to date on all that's happening around the nation and globe like which horrible world leader Obama bowed to now and how much time is left before the USA officially becomes Soviet Russia, sans the vodka and Kalashnikovs, that is.

After yet another week of embarrassing mistakes followed by awkward apologies, the big wigs in charge decided it would no longer be acceptable to doctor photos, make up news stories, or commit the usual journalistic suicide and signature idiocies that have made Fox the classy standard for News networks throughout the world.

In fact, Fox News is so serious about this sudden attempt to gain credibility and abandon the whole laughingstock approach, that network executives sent an internal memo to employees announcing their new and hilarious "zero tolerance" policy for all on-screen errors and assorted other screw-ups.

The memo, sent last Friday, warns staffers that such brain lapses could lead to write-ups, suspensions and termination. "Please know that jobs are on the line here. I can not stress that enough."

Subject: Quality Control

We had a mistake on Newsroom today when a wrong book cover went on screen during a guest segment, the kind of thing that can fall through the cracks on any day with any story given the large amount of elements and editorial we run through our broadcasts. Unfortunately, it is the latest in a series of mistakes on FNC in recent months. We have to all improve our performance in terms of ensuring error-free broadcasts. To that end, there was a meeting this afternoon between senior managers and the folks who run the daytime shows in which expectations were reviewed, and the following results were announced: Effective immediately, there is zero tolerance for on-screen errors. Mistakes by any member of the show team that end up on air may result in immediate disciplinary action against those who played significant roles in the "mistake chain," and those who supervise them. That may include warning letters to personnel files, suspensions, and other possible actions up to and including termination, and this will all obviously play a role in performance reviews. So we now face a great opportunity to review and improve on our workflow and quality control efforts. To share a key quote from today's meeting: "It is more important to get it right, than it is to get it on." We may then build up again slowly as deadlines and workloads allow so that we can be sure we can quality check everything before it makes air, and we never having to explain, retract, qualify or apologize again. Please know that jobs are on the line here. I can not stress that enough. I will review again during our Monday editorial meeting, and in the days and weeks ahead. This experience should make us stronger editorially, and I encourage everyone to invest themselves one hundred and ten percent in this effort.

What?? Fox News suddenly cares more about facts than ratings? This is an outrage! I mean by these standards, there will be no one left in the entire Fox organization!

What's the only thing scarier than Sarah Palin? Why, its two Sarah Palins, of course!

But before you start panicking at the sheer thought of not one but two insane Alaskan mavericks Goin' Rogue all over the Lower 48, stay calm, take a deep breath (or ten), and relax for a second, people. Surely, there must be some logical explanation for this parallel Palin universe!

Could this be the new, improved version of the old John McCain campaign trail switch-a-roo classic where some alien version of Miss Thang filled in so people would still come to see the old man mutter about secret Hanoi prisons and that damn Arab Barry while the real Sarah Palin shopped for Prada jackets to give to poor people or whatever it is that rogue VP candidates do with other people's money?

Or is it something more sinister?? Could it be that SARAH's long lost sister FARAH finally decided she, too, would "Go Rogue" and join her twin sis on her magical roller-coaster ride through America after years of wandering around aimlessly, nameless and alone, with no $7 million book deal, hot snowmobiling hubby, or even pesky baby-granddaddy to fight back and forth with in the evil mainstream media.

Maybe, just maybe FARAH's had enough of little miss piggy lipstick over here! Maybe FARAH wants to be the maverick everyone's always talkin' about for once! Maybe FARAH wants to be the one ridin' 'round the country in a giant mobile picture of herself!

Maybe, it's time for FARAH to track down her long lost other half and finally utter those words she's been working on all these years, the sweetest two words in the whole wide world: "I Gotcha!"

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Phew! Just when it looked like those rascally Blue Dogs would crush the whole health care reform debate before it even started, the Southern Bobbsey Twins, Sens. Blanche Lincoln (D-AR) and Mary Landrieu (D-LA), figured why the hell not call their own bluff and let the Senate debate the one piece of legislation it has spent the better part of the year crafting to provide affordable medical care to millions of people. True American heroes, those two!

Yes, thanks to this dynamic duo from the dirty South, the Senate lovingly voted 60-39 along perfectly partisan lines to actually allow debate on the controversial health care reform billto turn America into Soviet Russia and bless us humble peasants with a chance to maybe, just maybe have a health care system that doesn't treat the public as living, breathing (but hopefully not for long) get-rich-quick schemes.

This means that after Thanksgiving, Democrats and Republicans will offer hundreds of amendments and debate important matters like death panels and Nazis for several weeks before holding yet another procedural supermajority vote--this time, on whether to end debate. If that gets the magic numero 60, the Senate will have the delightful task of holding an up-or-down vote on passage of the bill.

But fear not because loyal(?) Democrats Blanche Lincoln and Mary Landrieu would like the American people to know that they'll switch their vote and kill the sh*t out of the bill if there is anything even remotely resembling a public option, so help them God.

“Let me be perfectly clear,” Sen. Blanche Lincoln (D-AR) said on the floor of the Senate. “I am opposed to a new government administered health care plan as a part of comprehensive health insurance reform, and I will not vote in favor of the proposal that has been introduced by Leader Reid as it is written...I’ve already alerted the Leader and I’m promising my colleagues that I’m prepared to vote against moving to the next stage of consideration as long as a government-run public option is included."

Same goes for that Mary lady.

"I believe it's going to be very clear at some point very soon that there are not 60 votes for the current provision in the bill, and that the leader and the leadership are going to have to make a decision and I trust that they will figure out how to do that," Landrieu said.

Yay! After a century-old tradition of Ass-Backwards Conservative Southern Democrats siding with the GOP to kill liberal reforms and any progress in general, these two li'l ladies were finally persuaded to not act like Joe Lieberman's evil stepsisters and do the right thing by supporting their party in a landmark bill to help Americans not die.

Or at least enough to bring the socialist piece of sh*t to debate so they could really say what they think. Which is of course that they despise it and want nothing to do with it or its grandma-murdering death squads. Except Blanche Lincoln, who may or may not like it, depending on how much she wants to get smashed in the primaries by a real, pro health care reform Democrat come 2010.

But either way, at least everyone can share a hearty laugh when they strip out the public option and crazy Republicans still call this a "government takeover of health care" and Blanche Lincoln still loses and everyone still dies from lack of coverage.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Like a beautiful snowflake, Sarah Palin has drifted into our lives, a glistening hexagonal prism of symmetry and ice sent from the Lord to fill our world with wonder and wisdom.

Like Sarah, each precious star-shaped ice and crystal blend, having formed in the high clouds of the atmosphere before floating down as the frozen water molecule miracles of God we see today, is unique unto itself.

Also much like Sarah, these seemingly simple but always beautiful structures are created, quite literally, out of thin air.

Which totally explains things!

Like how this delightful Alaskan ice princess could be one missed beta-blocker away from being the leader of the free world and still not know the difference between those two pesky "I" countries in the Muslim East.

When asked by dear friend and Fox News host Sean Hannity what can be done to prevent Iran from getting nuclear weapons, Palin naturally responded by suggesting we get tough with Iraq.

"We have allies who are as concerned about Ahmadinejad's actions as we are. We need to be working closer with France, and with Britain, and start, not just considering, but seriously taking steps towards the sanctions that we hear all about but we never see any actions towards, though."

"Cutting off the imports into Iraq, of their refined petroleum products. They're reliant--40 to 45 percent of their energy supply is reliant on those imports. We have some control over there."

"And some of the beneficial international monetary deals that Iraq benefits from--we can start implementing some sanctions there and start really shaking things up, and telling Ahmadinejad, nobody is going to stand for this."

You go girl! Except for that one tiny little fact that in everyone else's reality, Iraq is different from Iran, and as it turns out, also not the country Ahmadinejad is president of. Oops, beginners' mistake!

Don't worry shimmer flake! We still love you.

If it wasn't for the radiant brilliance of your sweet crystalline self, how would we ever know such shining pearls of wisdom like this Going Rogue gem:

"If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?"

Exactly! I mean why else would God invent tasty sentient beings unless He wanted us to pump 10 rounds of high grade Remington bullets into them and toss 'em on the barbie??

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Slovenly, Mexican-hunting former CNN resident curmudgeon, Lou Dobbs went on Bill O' Reilly's fair and balanced show to assure the nervous public not to worry because ol' Lou ain't going nowhere. In fact, it's time to get excited people, because Lou's gonna be everywhere!

He and the ol' wifey have been talking and together realized they could never let that dark-hued menace pile-drive this beautiful star-spangled nation of ours into oblivion without a fight first.

Luckily, Lou is very blessed (unlike the rest of us schmucks and deadbeats) to have a lot of opportunities to continue espousing his xenophobic rants wherever he pleases. Whether it be as the next senator from New Jersey or the next bloated host of FoxNews, Lou 100% guarantees he will remain in the public arena. Hooray!

After this riveting discussion about what medium Lou will destroy next (radio? television? C-Span?), O'Reilly moves on to his final question, where he asks with utter seriousness "Is Barack Obama the devil?"

Of course, such an outrageously ridiculous question doesn't even remotely faze racist television goblin Lou Dobbs, who is well-versed in matters of Satan and hell, and he proceeds to answer this deep philosophical query with all the weight and importance it naturally commands.

Turns out, Lou doesn't think Obama's the Devil per se (though we can never be sure), but what he does know is he doesn't trust the madman or his demonic policy decisions as far as he can throw 'em.

Like what the hell is taking so long for Obama to make a decision on Afghanistan, with it being such a straightforward, crystal clear issue without any nuances or complexities to consider. I mean what's so difficult about bombing these Arab Mexicans back to the stone ages and teaching the terrorists a real lesson by embroiling ourselves in a violent struggle halfway across the world with no viable exit strategy or guarantees except a long trail of wasted, blood-soaked trillions and dead U.S. soldiers.

Or why it's necessary to turn over 1/6 of the economy to the evil and inept United States government that Lou loves so much but doesn't trust to do anything except screw everything up and turn our perfect health care system (never mind those 45 million or so poor Americans) into some Soviet Gulag where Grandma goes to die but some border-hopping Mexican can get a flu-shot for his son, Pepe. For free.

Now, it's not like Lou's saying Obama's the devil or anything, being the rational, fully conscious human being and cherished media icon that he is.

He's simply using common sense and indisputable facts about what a certain Kenyan Socialist (not to mention the endless stream of Mexicans) is doing to this once-great pure, white Christian nation of ours. (Saving it?)

Let's not forget, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Hahahahahaha, Republicans are funny! You just never know what they'll come up with next!

Which is what makes Attorney General Eric Holder's opening remarks to the Senate Judiciary Committee about the administration's decision to bring terror suspects, including 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to trial in New York so exciting! No one knows what crazy response some GOP senator or representative may cook up while daydreaming about all the fun and awesome ways something could go terribly awry (keep your fingers crossed!).

"I'm not scared of what Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has to say at trial," Holder said. "And no one else needs to be afraid either...I have every confidence that the nation and the world will see him for the coward that he is."

"We need not cower in the face of this enemy. Our institutions are strong, our infrastructure is sturdy, our resolve is firm and our people are ready," Holder said. "It is past time to finally act by bringing prosecutions."

Holder also responded to criticism from nutballs like Liz Cheney who think, much like Obama's bow of respect, the decision shows a "pre-9/11" mentality, and that the government doesn't understand this is war time.

"I know we are at war," Holder said. "Those who suggest otherwise are simply wrong."

President Obama echoed this sentiment, saying the American people should have no concern about the capability of civilian courts to try suspected terrorists, despite what moronic lies the GOP bogeymen may say to freak everyone out (since that's their job!).

"I think this notion that we have to be fearful that these terrorists possess some special powers that prevent us from presenting evidence against them, locking them up and exacting swift justice, I think that has been a fundamental mistake," Obama told CNN.

However, Eric Holder's tough words did make one Republican feel all warm and fuzzy inside. No, not his decision to try the 9/11 plotters in New York City like a normal country with a functional justice system, but his use of one special word. A word very dear to Rudy Giuliani's heart: war.

So naturally it made him very relieved to see that the Attorney General Holder had the "fortitude" to use the two awesomest words in the English dictionary, "war" and "terror," in the same sentence.

"I was glad to see Holder say 'we're at war,'" Giuliani said on an RNC-sponsored call with reporters. "I had thought we had virtually stopped being at war with the terrorists."

Which would be terribly tragic but not surprising coming from some peace-loving hippie dippie community organizer (who bows!) like Obama.

But, Giuliani is hopeful the use of the word would hearken back to a return to the delightful Bush-era "War On Terror" which Giuliani said President Obama has abandoned, both in rhetoric and actions.

"I was under the impression that the Obama administration thought this was just an unfortunate situation we're dealing with."

"'War' is important," he said. Not to mention fun, exciting, and a great way to unwind after a rough day at the office!

But despite giving props to Holder for finally having the balls to say the precious W and T-words in a single sentence, Giuliani, like any good Republican lemming, reiterated his opposition to bringing terror trials to Manhattan, which he said would put a city already in constant danger of terror attack at greater risk, and incur "enormous expense" providing increased security around the high-profile legal proceedings.

New York "is already a primary target," he said. "There's no reason to add to the risk."

Hmmm, on second thought this just may be the big risk break Rudy's been looking for. Think of all the good the first 9/11 did for Rudes. Another 9/11, and he's got this thing in the bag!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Adorably unstable Arizona Rep. John Shadegg--whose awesome argument against health care reform was to drag infant baby "Maddie" onto the House floor to "explain" (in a deep man's voice) why she no likey Obama's doomsday health care plan to insure all Americans and offer free abortions for all the other babies not lucky enough to escape the liberal holocaust of the unborn--has set his sights on a new target: Mayor Michael Bloomberg for having the gall to claim New Yorkers aren't afraid of hosting terror trials.

Ha ha Mr. Tough Guy Billionaire Mike! Well, John over here wants to know just how tough Bloomie will be when it's his two daughters who are kidnapped walking down Madison Ave in broad daylight!

"I saw the Mayor of New York said today, 'We're tough. We can do it.' Well, Mayor, how are you going to feel when it's your daughter that's kidnapped at school by a terrorist? How are you going to feel when it's some clerk -- some innocent clerk of the court -- whose daughter or son is kidnapped? Or the jailer's little brother or little sister? This is political correctness run amok."

God damn right it is! Luckily there's someoneas smart and sensible as John Shadegg to warn the American people what can happen, no make that, what will happen if we allow 9/11 suspects like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to be tried in a civilian court and afford him due process of the law instead of pouring water over him while he's blindfolded, naked and strapped to a table for an indefinite period of time in some secret island prison in Cuba.

If there's one thing that really pisses Al-Qaeda off more than infidel Americans acting like, well, infidel Americans, it's hosting trials of high-level terrorist suspects using standard court procedures instead of letting their fear and irrationality drive them to depart from their normal rules of justice to create naked pyramids and beat the hate out of them using their holy book, the Koran.

The last thing we want is for KSM and other 9/11 perpetrators to think we're "surrendering to terrorists" because we're too scared sh*tless of what they might do to us (not counting those two towers or anything) to hold them accountable for the deaths of thousands of Americans in a court of law on our own soil.

Unlike those crazy Democrats and Independents like Mayor Bloomberg who have enough faith in the American justice system to think those responsible for killing Americans should actually be tried in America of all places!

When everyone knows if we ever capture Osama bin Laden, the smartest, most logical thing to do would be to send him to a place more capable of carrying out proper justice than the dumb U.S. of A.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Rogue author and GOP sexpot from the snowy north Sarah Palin graced us sinners and traitors in the Lower 48 to talk about her favorite subject other than herself (no not Facebook, Levi Johnston of course!) on that popular chocolate lady's television show, Orpah, Oprah or whatever it's called.

Speaking to the talk show queen, the queen of Alaska had some choice words for baby daddy and former Bristol beau, Levi Johnston's (or shall we say Ricky Hollywood's) recent extracurricular activities.

Un-Christian activities such as running around like some cheap media whore and engaging in "aspiring porn" when he should be spending quality time with his 11-month old son, Tripp.

Let's not mince words here. Sarah Palin knows sexual deviance when she sees it and Levi err Ricky's little bare-all Playgirl photo shoot, featuring not one but two "hockey sticks," is exactly that.

"I call that porn," Palin explained, adding that "some of the things that he is doing is kind of heartbreaking."

However, Palin said that she continues to "hope for the best, and pray for Levi," before blasting the no-good lying bastard for shirking his duties as a father in order to hobnob with the elitist media to promote his new-found ambitions as an actor, model, and professional nudist.

"He hasn’t seen the baby much while he has been on his media tours," Palin said.

But his legs aren't the only thing Levi's been spreading. How about all those terrible lies about Sarah's perfectly wonderful family?? None of which have even a single grain of truth to them, she'll have you know!

When asked about her plans for 2012, Palin said that a presidential run in two years is "not on my radar screen right now."

“I am dealing with so many issues that are important to me," she said. "What I am seeing every day is that you don’t need a title to be important."

Or as you taught us, sweet Sarah, you don't need to be important to have a title.

You just need a hot bod, nice shade of lipstick, minimum brain activity, radical views and a desperate old man willing to bet the house on an untested Alaskan maverick who listens only to the soothing voice of Jesus Christ...and Glenn Beck. Oh and snagging that $7 million signing bonus didn't hurt either.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Dick Cheney's mutant golden-haired spawn Liz Cheney is full of great ideas. Like how if Obama really wanted to do the honorable thing, he'd take his farce of a peace prize and shove it right down the stupid Nobel committee members' throats. Or send the mother of a fallen American soldier to accept the prize just to remind those Nobel ingrates who exactly keeps them safe and snug every night.

Unlike NObama, Liz also knows the best way to keep America safe isn't through silly diplomacy or cultivating strong international allies or anything pussy like that. I mean who are we, France or something??

Like anyone's gonna take us seriously if we stop randomly invading sovereign nations, start adhering to international law, and suddenly stop pissing the whole world off just because it's fun.

Perhaps that's fine for community organizers in Chicago, but out in the real world, Barry's way just ain't gonna cut it. The O-man is in for a big surprise!

Take his recent trip to Asia for instance, where Comrade Barry made the unforgivable mistake of greeting Japanese Emperor Akihito with the traditional custom of bowing respectfully while shaking hands as a sign of honor. Gasp!

How dare he? Start with a bow and the next thing you know Obama's thanking them for Pearl Harbor and apologizing for that whole A-bomb thing. I mean, the past is the past people!

Liz for one would never endanger America by treating an important world leader and key global ally with respect and deference. And you know who else wouldn't? Dick, that's who!

In fact, when Dick met the emperor back in 2007, not only did Akihito not get a bow, the little man's lucky he didn't get a swift kick in the balls to go with it.

"You could also look at the comparison and think, Cheney 2012," Liz chimed in during a roundtable discussion on Fox News Sunday.

Which made the rest of the panelists hoot with delight!

Barely managing to contain his hysterical laughter at such sheer brilliance (and wit!), Bill Kristol quipped that, "Sarah Palin would never bow to the emperor of Japan. She wouldn't even curtsy to him."

Don't be silly, Bill! She doesn't even know what a curtsy is. Besides everyone knows Japan isn't a real country. It's just a faraway fantasy island they used for that giant gorilla movie. Donkey Kong or whatever.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Goody gumdrops! Sarah Palin's exciting new book of lies and half-truths hits the shelves next week, but for those who can't wait 'til Tuesday to get their memoir on, fear not, excerpts are already trickling out from several news agencies and other sources who've decided to "Go Rogue" and release their advanced copies ahead of schedule. Apparently, arbitrary media "embargoes" mean nothing to these liberal media elites.

But as long as they keep the juicy tidbits about our darling Sarah flowing, can we really complain?

And since they're from the Alaskan ice queen herself, you know they have to be true!

Like what really happened in that disastrous CBS interview with Katie Couric when Sarah couldn't, for the life of her, name a single newspaper she reads--if only to get that nagging broad Katie off her back. I mean the only reason Sarah agreed to do the damn interview in the first place was because she felt sorry for Katie who suffers from terribly low self-esteem. And this is the thanks she gets? By having some dumb, self-hating floozy like Katie badger her with silly questions about what books and periodicals she reads and her opinion on the country's current economic woes. Of all the indignities!

Sarah also tells of the "jaded aura" around McCain's political advisors once she stormed onto the scene. Of course, this had nothing to do with the fact that our fair Alaskan governor didn't know much about anything, including whether or not Africa was a continent (Ya, like that's important for a vice-president), the difference between England and Great Britain (they both speak all weird and Mary Poppins-like?), or basically anything that doesn't have to do with hockey moms and pigs who wear lipstick.

Well excuuuse her for not liking that McCain's snooty senior advisors, like Steve Schmidt and Nicolle Wallace, forced her to "stick with the script" and kept encouraging her to actually prepare for interviews instead of just wingin' it freestyle with adorable winks and truncated action verbs like a real maverick.

Or how they got all angry every time she went a wee bit "off script" to lie about her own accomplishments (there weren't any) or make up crazy stuff about that awful Barry character. I mean, do you want to win or not here people?

Of course, Going Rogue has plenty more about how everything that went wrong is the fault of the dumb McCain campaign since everyone in the whole world (except these idiots apparently) knew who the real superstar was. And it certainly wasn't that old windbag whose campaign she tried to save by finally agreeing to let him be her running mate.

I guess she must've felt sorry for poor Gramps McCain, since he too seemed to be afflicted with the same low self-esteem bug as that pathetic Couric woman.

Come to think of it, that's probably the reason she decided to let Barack Obama win, with his self-esteem already on the skids, it just didn't seem right to rub it in. I mean she already stole the spotlight, did she really need to steal the presidency from him too?

People with high self-esteem don't need to do these kinds of things. They'd much rather quit being governor to write fiction novels about various public figures' self-esteem and work full-time yelling on Facebook at those zero-confidence losers and sad sacks in the media who dare excerpt her book before the official release date.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Hey look kids, its batsh*t crazy Governor of Texas Rick "I'm not a homosexual" Perry! You remember ol' Rick don't you? The beautifully-coiffed leader of Texas' secessionist movement and frequent special guest at many a Nazi teabagger rally to protest Comrade Barry's destruction of these beautiful United States.

Now, under normal circumstances, Gov. Perry isn't exactly what you'd call a friend to progress, or rational thought for that matter. But in the face of his upcoming gubernatorial primary against Kay Bailey Hutchinson, the man known affectionately as The Hair (sorry, Blago!) has officially hopped aboard the Republican crazy train. Full steam ahead!

In between wandering around the vast wilds of Texas trying to appeal to the lowest common denominator (you can usually find 'em wearing crotch-hugging jeans, a grease-stained bandana, and an "I Love Jesus" t-shirt), Slick Rick has pretty much lost his freakin' mind!

You see, Rick clearly just loves his state and his Confederacy country too much to let some swarthy man with a funny name and winning smile who's hellbent on Socialism turn this bountiful land into some Soviet wasteland.

As he explained to the lovely ladies at Midland County Republican Women's Luncheon:

"This administration, I think, is past doesn’t care about Texas — I think this administration is interested in punishing Texas…" (Eh, we'll just give you Bush back and call it even. Besides, another four years of Gov. Perry should do the trick.)

"I think it’s time to stand up. I say it’s time to make Tea Parties twice as big as what they were. I think it’s time for us to stand up and say [unintelligible] to Washington, DC, "we’re no longer going to accept that kind of stuff sitting down and being quiet." (Instead, we'll just shout unintelligible nonsense standing up!)

"This is an administration hell-bent on taking America towards a socialist country, and we ought not be afraid to say that, because that’s what it is…" (We ought not be afraid of calling them racist nutjobs either because that's what they are.)

"I think one of our greatest challenges and greatest works in front of us right now is to stop this administration in Washington, using whatever tools we have in our disposal…" (Like Hitler signs and graphic photos of Nazi concentration camp victims??)

"I am not bashful to get up and say I believe in the Tenth Amendment…" (Stop teasing us with secession threats Ricky, it gets our hopes up!)

"This plan that they are putting before us will devastate this country and bankrupt our state, and if that ones not bad enough, go look at that cap and trade legislation that passed. You want to shut down Midland, Texas — that ought to be the shut down Midland, Texas legislation, not cap and trade. It’s going to cap something alright — it’s going to cap the economy of the entire southern United States."

Unless of course, someone can pop a cap in Barry's scrawny, socialist-lovin' ass first. Not that he would endorse such a move or anything. Violence is never the answer!

Just lightly veiled threats, inciting words and riding the wave of unfounded mass hysteria right into the governor's mansion. You know for Freedom!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Have no fear people, mind-blowing idiocy is alive and well in the state of Colorado! Thanks to the brilliance of yet another saber-toothed GOP state Senator Dave Schultheis, the latest in a long and storied tradition of Republican morons who just can't figure out how to use all this off-the-hook youth technology without acting like a total douchebag. You see, Colorado state Sen. Dave Schultheis has a knack for saying really stupid things that don't accomplish anything except offend our better sensibilities. He does it all the time!

So it really comes as no surprise that this Colorado paradigm of ignorance and questionable dental advice would express his "anger at Obama's fiscal policies" by tweeting, "Don't for a second, think Obama wants what is best for U.S. He is flying the U.S. Plane right into the ground at full speed. Let's Roll."

I mean who wouldn't picture a hijacked plane nosediving into the ground and the words "Let's Roll" and not automatically think of Obama's desire to pass moderate bills to create jobs, stimulate the economy, and provide basic health insurance to 30-40 million Americans? That's like so obvious!

It's not like Schultheis meant to compare the President Obama to the 9/11 hijackers or use Todd Beamer's famed rallying cry aboard doomed United Flight 93 as a way to get people to link Obama to Mohammad Atta or anything crazy like that.

"'Let's roll.' It's a comment people use all the time any more. 'Let's get going. Let's move on. Let's make major changes,'" Schultheistold the Denver Post. "I can see it now. But, you're busy doing jillions of things during the day. You sometimes don't analyze every single word."

I mean who has time to use their brain to make obvious logical conclusions when they're doing jillions (yes, literally jillions!) of things. Certainly not Dave Schultheis! And certainly not when he is doing something as important for the future of this great country than using Twitter to sound like a complete jackass in 140 characters or less.

But we totally know Schultheis didn't mean anything by his innocent tweet; he's simply isn't known for his gentle way with words and this apparent misinterpretation is just another example of what happens when your blessed with the old big mouth, small brain combo like Doug Hoffman in New York and our friend Dave here in Colorado.

Let's not forget this is the same pillar of the legislative community who railed against Spanish-language public service announcements encouraging people to fasten their seatbelts and voted against a Colorado bill requiring pregnant women to undergo HIV testing to help reduce risks for the baby by offering this explanation:

What I'm hoping is that yes, that person may have AIDS, have it seriously as a baby and when they grow up, but the mother will begin to feel guilt as a result of that. The family will see the negative consequences of that promiscuity and it may make a number of people over the coming years...begin to realize that there are negative consequences and maybe they should adjust their behavior. We can't keep people from being raped. We can't keep people from shooting each other. We can't keep people from jumping off bridges. People drink and drive, and they crash and kill people. Poor behavior has its consequences.

Unfortunately not for marginal state senators whose head simply cannot support incisors the size of small rodents and a functioning, proper-sized brain at the same time.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I hate to say 20/20 hindsight, but turns out there may have been some warning signs that unraveling Army psychiatrist Major Nidal Malik Hasan was hanging by a thread long before deciding to turn his simmering rage and frustration into one of the worst rampages in U.S. military history.

So basically the U.S. military and at least one intelligence(?) agency had Major Hasan on their radar and were well aware that he was an increasingly erratic, ticking time-bomb who openly professed his desire to see this infidel star-and-striped whore burn in fiery hell of apocalyptic proportions for years before deciding to rampage through Fort Hood, massacring 13 people in a haze of bullets, blood, and chaos.

I guess you could also say Hasan was a tad upset about his pending deployment to Afghanistan considering he would rather burn in the fire of a thousand infidels than defend this blood-sucking pox on the Muslim brotherhood we call America and warned senior Army physicians in 2007 that the military would be wise to allow Muslim soldiers to be released as conscientious objectors if they wanted to avoid "adverse events." Hmmm, wonder what he meant by that?

Not wanting to jump to any rash conclusions, however, investigators are still trying to "determine if the attack was motivated by the suspect's Islamic religious beliefs, which appear to have hardened markedly during the years he spent in the Army, or by other factors, like his anger over a pending deployment to Afghanistan."

It's so hard to tell sometimes! Never mind Hasan's growing disconnect, repeated attempts to reach out to Al-Qaeda, vocal justification of suicide bombings, poor performance reviews, and constant spewing of anti-American hatred during classroom presentations praising Muslims because "We love death more then [sic] you love life!"

"There were definitely clear indications that Hasan's loyalties were not with America," Hasan's classmate at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences in Bethesda, Maryland, Lt. Col. Val Finnell said.

"When you are in the military and you start making comments that are seditious, when you say you believe something other than your oath of office — someone needed to say why is this guy saying this stuff."

"He was a lightning rod. He made his views known and he was very vocal, he had extremely radical jihadist views," Finnell said. "When you're a military officer you take an oath to defend against all enemies foreign and domestic."

"They should've confronted him — our professors, officers — but they were too concerned about being politically correct."

Of course Fox News' Bill O' Reilly concedes the sad PC truth that since we "can't kill all the Muslims" (I know, I know--lame!) we'll have to settle for winning as many hearts and minds of good moderate Muslims as we can, which means avoiding the term "Muslim terrorist" at all costs.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Oh those pesky, impossible-to-satisfy gays! Give 'em an inch and the next thing you know, they want a mile.

Despite President Obama's best attempts to placate the gays with hilarious Lady Gaga jokes and empty promises of his "unwavering commitment," the queer community is done giving Obama any more undeserved rainbow-colored feathers in his cap until he actually accomplishes something and starts taking their needs seriously. Aside from always putting their best fashion-foot forward, not wearing white after labor day and never mixing patterns of course. Stripes and polka dots = major no-no.

Frustration has been brewing among these forsaken Democrats over the Obama administration's unwillingness to make the struggle for gay rights a first-year priority, or in some cases, to even acknowledge that pink people exist, outside of fancy fund-raising dinners that is.

So these feisty queers have finally decided to hit Obama where it hurts: (get your mind out of the gutter people!) his wallet, in the hopes that when it comes to changing hearts and minds, green is a more effective argument than the constitution or silly indivisible truths like liberty and justice for all.

Gay and lesbian activists and other rabble rousers like Americablog's John Aravosis and Joe Sudbay have announced that they're organizing a temporary donor boycott of the Democratic National Committee--and financial support for Democrats more broadly--until the administration starts to treat them as more than invisible (albeit well-dressed) piggy banks who should be grateful that someone's still willing to accept their sinful money.

"This campaign is temporary, and is only meant to help some friends - President Obama and the Democratic party - who have lost their way. Candidate Obama promised during the campaign to be the gay community’s 'fierce advocate.' He and the Democratic party have not kept their promise."

"Until the Democratic Congress passes, and President Obama signs, legislation enacting Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA), repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT), and repealing Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA)--all of which he repeatedly promised to do if elected--we ask you to join us in pledging to postpone contributions to the Democratic National Committee, Organizing for America, and the Obama campaign."

You hear that Obama? The gays are onto your tricks. No more broken vows, glamorous celeb-filled soirees, or "wait-and-see" approach to handling the delicate subject of denying one group of people the same rights and privileges even the God damn teabaggers enjoy.

Until you're ready to put their money where your mouth is, you can just take your adorable smile and fancy words and waltz your charming self right out the door, mister!

Monday, November 9, 2009

The freakshows and whackjobs who make up the Westboro Baptist Church, the redheaded stepchild of fringe anti-gay groups, famous for protesting at military funerals, carrying signs such as "Thank God for 9/11," and blaming the world's woes on the dreaded sin of homosexuality have set their sights on another deviant threat to humanity: those awful Obama girls.

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church, founded by original closeted(?) head case Fred Phelps and made up mostly of fellow nutballs with the last name Phelps (no relation to Michael Phelps, who will burn in hell for smoking pot and engaging in the homosexual activity known as the Olympic butterfly) have decided to take their miserable, hate-filled lives to Sidwell Friends, Sasha and Malia Obama's private school in DC, to protest their three favorite abominations of God: the gays, abortion, and (of course) black Muslim presidents.

The picketers, whose lives are so fulfilling they find it necessary to protest nearly every day around Washington, D.C., to stalk little girls while they're at school to warn them against the scourge of homosinuality, the terrible disease responsible for everything from the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, to the ensuing wars, and even the mass shooting at Fort Hood as God's punishment for tolerating queers.

As part of their GodHatesFags.com tour schedule, the group plans to picket the Fort Hood memorial service this Tuesday, a few more local schools and the White House throughout the week, and if they get really lucky, some flamer's funeral who died while serving their country, or as a result of contracting God's cure for fags, AIDS.

But today the lovely members of Westboro Baptist will take their sideshow circus to Sidwell Friends Lower School, the traditionally Quaker school attended by the Obama girls to fulfill Jesus' mission terrorizing others over their own suppressed homosexual desires to dress up in stiletto heels and a mini-skirt and be Queen for a day.

The posting for today's Sidwell Friends Westboro protest reads, "Quakers?! Are you frigging kidding me? You pretend to be all non-violent, and you allow the most bloody, deceitful, evil, murderous bastard and his shemale sidekick to place their satanic spawn within your four walls?"

"So, the Quakers are in favor of abortion, now? How is that nonviolent? Anything to keep the money rolling in, huh hypocrites? Antichrist Obama said for all the world to hear, "Look, I've got two daughters. Nine years old and six years old. I'm gonna teach them first of all about values and morals, but if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby...So, you have this bloody, deceitful, lying Antichrist admitting that he will happily slaughter any grand child who is an inconvenience for him. And you are taking his money? This place is NOT of God...Little children, keep yourselves from idols. Amen. Praise God for showing these vermin for just what they are. AMEN!

Yes, Praise the lord for revealing Sasha and Malia as the tween sewer rats they are, buff First Lady Michelle as the tranny sidekick of that bloody, lying Antichrist Barack Hussein Obama, and the decent God-loving folks in the Westboro Baptist Church as the pillars of the community.

The inbred, bigoted, low-life, redneck trash community, but hey a pillar is still a pillar, right?

Ellis Turner, the associate head of school at Sidwell Friends, said the school took no action to remove the protesters.

"We support the First Amendment here, so there was nothing we wanted to do about it," he said. "There was nothing they did other than offend those who didn't agree with their bigoted viewpoints."

Yes, but what about those who don't believe the public should be forced to look at snaggle-toothed trashballs with rolls of fat hanging out of their ill-fitting pants and yellow sweat stains every time they lift their blubbery arms to hold up some sign enumerating the various ways gays should die and how the pope is a lying whore who rapes children.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Just when you thought any semblance of manhood the Democrats had was stripped away with the Republican's dignity and grip on reality, the House of Representatives grew a pair (or 220 pairs to be exact) and passed the Affordable Health Care for America Act to murder grandma and also bring quality, low-cost insurance to all Americans. Hooray!

After much partisan wrangling, Republican desperation, and teabagger Nazi rallies on Capitol Hill, the Democrats came through in the clutch, voting 220-215 in favor of President Obama's sweeping health care overhaul to help hardworking Americans instead of insurance companies for the first time in our nation's history.

Thanks to Obama's last minute Rudy-inspired pep talk urging House Democrats not to pussy out like they always do but instead stick to their guns and "finish the job."

“I reminded them that opportunities like this come around maybe once in a generation,” Obama said. “This is their moment, this is our moment, to live up to the trust that the American people have placed in us — even when it's hard; especially when it's hard. This is our moment to deliver.”

And deliver they did, thanks to S&M Master Nancy Pelosi's ability to crack the whip and bring those rascally Blue Dog Democrats into line, even luring Rep. Anh ''Joseph" Cao (R-LA), a coveted Republican, over to the dark side that is the Democratic supermajority.

President Barack Obama thanked members for their "courageous vote" and called upon that other chamber to follow the House's monumental decision to revolutionize the country's health care system:

"Now it falls on the United States Senate to take the baton and take this effort to the finish line for the American people."

Meanwhile, ever-determined obstructionist Republicans vowed to fight the bill and prevent Barry's murderous death panels from destroying America, with House Minority Leader John Boehner promising, "we’re going to do everything we can to make sure this doesn’t happen."

Unfortunately, this comes from the same man who boasted that a certain cute, young Asian man's upset win to replace indicted Democratic Rep. William Jefferson was a sign of the GOP's comeback and presented a path to future victories, declaring, "The Future Is Cao."

Which totally makes sense, if he meant the future would be some Vietcong traitor stabbing the Grand Old Party in the back by crossing over to support NObama's terrible government-run plot to socialize medicine and turn America into the Soviet Union.

Or maybe Boehner was just exaggerating but nobody knew it because the Einstein in charge of House Republicans pronounced "hyperbole" as "hyperbowl," which made everyone laugh at him for being dumb instead of being orange.

Which was sort of a nice change, but certainly not the kind Boehner was hoping for.

I mean what's a health care reform plan without a cure for idiocy? That's not change he can believe in!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

After countless Obama equals Hitler signs, various Nazi references, and numerous, hilarious jokes about NObama's coming health care reform Holocaust, Jewish groups and the rest of the population with functioning brains have finally sounded the alarms about the disturbing proliferation of swastikas and anti-Semitic banners, signs, and slogans every time the teabaggers rally together to praise freedom and shout obscenities at that Kenyan man.

And to think, all it took to get the Jews riled up was a poster showing piles of Jewish corpses with the caption National Socialist Health Care: Dachau, Germany--1945.

All class, those teabaggers!

After Thursday's Bachmann-led "Super Bowl of Freedom," David A. Harris, President of the National Jewish Democratic Council issued this statement:

"Today's G.O.P. "Tea Party" on Capitol Hill opposing health insurance reform invoked disgusting Holocaust imagery and outright anti-Semitism. Top Republican Party leaders including House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), House Republican Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA), and House Republican Conference Chairman Mike Pence (R-IN) stood before a crowd that included a banner protesting health care reform and displaying corpses from the Holocaust. Yet another sign charged that Obama takes his orders from the Rothchilds. Such vile invocations of Nazi and Holocaust rhetoric have been condemned in recent weeks by rabbinic movements, the Interfaith Alliance, and the American Gathering of Jewish Holocaust Survivors and their Descendants."

Not surprisingly, Republican leaders have been somewhat less vocal on the matter, finding no problem whatsoever with teabaggers throwing Nazi comparisons all over the place or showing dead Jews at Dachau to warn Americans of the fate they'll suffer under ObamaCare.

It only took Rep. Eric Cantor's (R-VA), the only Jewish Republican in Congress, over three months to finally utter a peep about GOP hero Rush Limbaugh's innocent claim that "Adolf Hitler, like Barack Obama, also ruled by dictate."

But at least this GOP leader grew the balls to stand up and say large, graphic photographs of slaughtered Jews may be "inappropriate" and that since you asked, no, he doesn't "condone the mention of Hitler in any discussion about politics because obviously that is something that conjures up images that frankly are not, I think, very helpful."

But do you know what is helpful? A half assed response some 12 weeks after the incident occurred when no one even remembers what the hell he's referring to anyway. But whatever. A real mensch, that minority whip!

Then there's former Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO) who thinks it makes perfect sense for tea partiers to show posters of Nazi concentration camp victims as a way to link health care reform to Nazism.

"You bet" it's appropriate, Tancredo said, arguing that because protesters during the Bush administration used photos of a decapitated president, everything is fair game.

"It's all ugly," he said. But he does agree with unnaturally orange-hued House Minority Leader John Boehner that health care is the biggest threat the country has ever seen.

"It is in fact socialism," Tancredo said. "It is a true, very scary threat."

He couldn't, however, answer when MSNBC anchor David Shuster asked if Medicare and the Veterans Administration, both single payer programs, pose a similar threat.

In fact, Tancredo was so offended by Daily Kos founder Markos Moulitsas for even mentioning that Tancredo avoided military service during the Vietnam War and deferred being drafted after college because he was being treated for depression, that he stormed out of the interview.

"I'm a veteran," Moulitsas said after Tancredo claimed veterans would prefer vouchers over VA care. "I did not get a deferment because I was too depressed to fight in the war I supported in Vietnam."

"That's a cheap rotten stupid thing to say," Tancredo said, adding that it sounded just like something a certain Third Reich leader with a cute mustache would say.

You see, after the RNC-backed endorsement of a "moderate Republican" in the NY-23 special election was eaten by rabid throngs of teabaggers, the old "big tent" Michael Steele decided he no longer liked those middle-of-the-road candidates he'd already selected to run in various 2010 races. In fact, he now despises these disgusting traitors and would do everything in his power to "come after" these terrorists and socialists masquerading as "moderate" Republicans.

"Candidates who live in moderate to slightly liberal districts have got to walk a little bit carefully here, because you do not want to put yourself in a position where you’re crossing that line on conservative principles, fiscal principles, because we’ll come after you," Steele told ABC’s Top Line in response to a question about Republicans who support the White House’s stimulus and health care plans.

"You’re gonna find yourself in a very tough hole if you’re arguing for the president’s stimulus plan or Nancy Pelosi’s health plan. There’s no justification for growing the size of government the way this administration and this Congress wants to do it."

Awww, snap! Steele ain't playing, yo! He will straight up go Joe Wilson on anyone who dare reach across the aisle to help America.

While Steele didn't name names, dem fightin' words could be taken as a warning to governors Charlie Crist and Arnold Schwarzenegger for supporting NObama's terrible stimulus (like a bunch of Barry-whipped pansies) and Sen. Olympia Snowe for being the lone Republican senator to side with the Democratic grandma slayers and Nazis trying to reform health care.

He also hinted that the RNC will move further right and try to capture the support of tea partiers because, "We still are and remain the conservative party."

"The challenge now, as you see the emergence of the 9/12 movement and the tea parties and so forth, is to help them appreciate that we're with them, we're walking that walk with them," he said. "We're making the same arguments they're making about government intrusion into health care and the economy, stripping our freedoms, and that is a very difficult walk."

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Maine voters came thisclose to becoming the first electorate in any state to say sure, why the hell not let the gays marry like the rest of us one man plus one woman miseries before deciding eh, on second thought, they'd rather keep that hetero perk all to their newly puritan selves.

Besides, with Sen. Olympia Snowe already crossing the aisle as the sole Republican to support health care reform, Maine's trailblazer reputation is already secured, so there's no need to get all wild 'n crazy and start actually treating the gays like real citizens who are afforded the same constitutional protections as everyone else. We're not trying to ruffle any feathers here! That's part of what makes Maine, well Maine.

If being ordinary and unexciting wasn't a part of its history, how else could this proud, 40th most populous state of 1,316,456 be home to the thriving Northeast metropolis known as Portland–South Portland–Biddeford?

Although, gay marriage has now lost in every single state in which civil rights are left up to the voters for a positively St. Louis Rams/Detroit Lions-like record of 0-31, gay rights activists and the handful of hetero Americans who thought the whole 'separate but equal' issue was settled with the Supreme Court's unanimous 1954 landmark Brown v. Board of Education ruling striking down segregation as unconstitutional under the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment, were disappointed to learn that (much like California) the same standards of jurisprudence simply don't apply to queers in Maine either.

Turns out that even Maine's independent streak and irrepressible Yankee spirit of fairness and individuality wasn't enough to stop the hate juggernaut or the indisputable fact that when marriage equality is decided by voters, Jesus tends to trump justice.

As long as America allows civil rights to be decided by voters at the ballot box instead of as a Federal constitutional matter before the U.S. Supreme Court, true equality and freedom--like the founding fathers intended--will never be realized.

Think about it, if we treated blacks like we treat the gays, half the South would still be hosing down black kids trying to go to school, ride the bus, or God forbid, drink from a (whites-only) fountain.

But I guess we could always compromise and enact something like Don't Ask, Don't Tell. We can all just run around with paper bags over our heads and Hazmat suits on our bodies so nobody knows anything about anybody. That way, who's black, white or sparkly-rainbow colored would all remain hidden under a common cloak of freedom.

Last month, I told you all about Robert F. "Bob" McDonnell and the skeleton in his closet coming in the form of a 93-page master’s thesis written when Bob was a wee 34-year-old evangelical grad student trying to find his place among the "cohabitators," "homosexuals," "fornicators," "working women," "feminists," "abortionists" and the rest of the heathens responsible for this cesspool of sin clogging America's moral judgment.

Fast forward to Nov. 3 2009, when this nice, God-fearing man has managed to push this decades-old pile o' bones college-ruled papers back in the storage closet behind all the old linens and photo-albums and handily defeat Democratic challenger Creigh Deeds to assume his rightful place as the new Governor of Virginia. Wooohooo!

This means that Virginia can finally break free from the Socialist grip of last year's terrible NObama disaster after 44 fabulous years of Republican domination in the state, a period nostalgically known in GOP circles as Pax Virginia.

And with GOP victories of any kind not exactly easy to come by these days, you can be sure the Republicans weren't about to pass up the chance to prove they're not just the party of centenarians, secessionists, and off-the-hook chairmen.

"These significant victories speak to the fantastic campaigns run by Republicans across the Commonwealth and the voters’ clear rejection of liberal tax and spend policies that Washington Democrats are trying to force on Americans," Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele said.

House Minority Whip and runner-up in the Republican inappropriate behavior contest Eric Cantor (R-Va.) managed to pry himself away from the Twitter app on his blackberry to congratulate McDonnell supporters on sending a clear message to national politicians (in more than 140 characters): "Enough with the incredible reach of government into our lives."

"Bob McDonnell has led us to victory after eight dark years in the wilderness...You know what's so great: Bob ran a great campaign, but it was also a positive campaign."

Meaning the Republicans didn't even have to resort to their usual playbook of lying, manipulating and deceiving their way into power. Yay!

Conservative Party candidate and third-wheel surprise in New York's 23rd Congressional District, Doug Hoffman is hoping this GOPmentum extends to his campaign to return Congress to responsible, conservative hands.

"Hopefully the Republican party, of which I’m a lifelong member, utilizes this energy and excitement of people coming to my support because we’ll need it in 2010," he said. "We’re just standing up for the core values that made America strong — less government, less taxes, less spending."

Ah yes, the very definition of George W. Bush's eight year reign, bringing prosperity and peace throughout the land.