An Open Letter To Tori Spelling And The Chicken That Sleeps In Her Bed

I try to ignore it whenever I see gossip stories about you. Why? Because you’re doin’ you and I’m doin’ me and what you do when you’re doin’ you is none of my biz. Usually this arrangement works just fine for you and me. But then yesterday, I got curious and watched a Vine video you posted on Twitter titled “This is how we sleep.”

It was a clever caption. It would engage even the most disinterested web surfer such as myself. I wish I never clicked on it. It made me feel deeply uncomfie, first and foremost, because I don’t want to see your husband naked in bed making sexy eyes at you. Ick. Weird. Then it pans to your sleeping dog and kids. Ok. Whatever. A lot of peeps sleep with their dogs and kids. I’m not judging.

The thing that made me regret watching your vid was the FUCKING CHICKEN IN YOUR BED. Tori, No. I know that you’ve been a celebrity your whole life, and you grew up with a warped sense of reality, but you must know that having a chicken in your bed is FUCKING GROSS.

“They know her by name at our local Michael’s craft store … I make her outfits to mimic my vintage dresses. She also has little capelets! I turn vintage brooches into fascinators for her,” you’ve been quoted as saying.

Tori, that’s also weird, bordering on crazy chicken lady. Coco might be a designer chicken (I’ll admit, she’s really cute), but she’s still a chicken and she doesn’t belong in your bed. I think even Honey Boo Boo’s mom June knows that. I don’t think Chicken Nugget sleeps in Alana’s bed although I could be wrong. Don’t quote me on that.

A quick online search of chicken hygiene informed me that there are very few pathogens that can be transmitted from chicken to human with the practice of hand washing and good animal husbandry. But I don’t think it’s good animal husbandry to bring the chicken into your bed. It can’t be can it? But even if it’s not dangerous to sleep with a chicken, per se, it’s strange. I draw the line of good judgement at a chicken in the bed. So just don’t do it. Or if you do it, don’t make me watch Vine videos of it.

Also, there’s no way you’re having sex with all those beings in your bed. That’s just an observation, not a judgement. Again, your biz.