The life of a cheeseburger is probably pretty great. You’re delicious, and you know it. People desire you, and they know it.

Cheeseburgers never have to worry about money, or time management, or if the thoughts in their cheeseburger hearts come out exactly as they intend from their cheeseburger mouths.

Plus, cheeseburgers don’t have to work – ever. They don’t have debt and don’t get frustrated calculating interest on repayment plans. Have you ever seen a cheeseburger crunching numbers? I haven’t.

They don’t grow bitter over never using their degrees from Cheeseburger College. Cheeseburger parents are never disappointed when lil’ Whopper Jr. announces his theater arts and journalism double-major, because they’re fucking cheeseburgers and they do what they want.

Furthermore, you’re really famous, especially in the United States, where cheeseburgers are so important you get your own king, like you were a country or something (The Cheeseburger Confederacy). Idols are made of you and distributed to children as pro-cheeseburger propaganda. Entire teams of the world’s best in marketing and advertising constantly advocate for your existence, allowing you to relax and just do cheeseburger stuff all day.

There’s talk of replacing Benjamin Franklin with a fatass cheeseburger on the hundred dollar bill, with the bill’s slang name evolving appropriately to “cheeseburgers.”

Sure, there are obstacles. A big one that comes to mind is, you know, being eaten. You’re literally torn apart bun from burger by big gross mouths, straight up murdered by a ruthless gang of teeth. But, it’s a very noble death. A lot of people die FROM eating cheeseburgers. You get to die AS a cheeseburger. That’s a big difference, and most of the time you’re contributing to death’s very opposite – life. You’re a martyr to the noble cause of delicious gratification, a surefire ticket to Cheeseburger heaven, where you’ll be reunited with your loving French fry and soft drink family.

Or, if you were a dirty, no good cheeseburger, perhaps you’ll be reincarnated as racist taco guy:

Unlike cheeseburger guy, notice that taco guy doesn’t get to maintain his human genitalia, only one of many downsides if you’re keeping score at home.

“You don’t have to drive across town to get your favorite Mexican food with this taco costume! The adult costume consists of a poly foam taco suit that has the appearance of a hard shell taco. It comes complete with toppings including lettuce, sauce and cheese. The suit has holes for the head and arms as well as an open bottom for easy movement. You’ll look good enough to eat in this funny taco costume!”

JUSTICE

"You deserve it. I demand it."

Or rather, "You deserve it, maybe. I mean, you were probably asking for it. And me? Oh, after my program is over, I will casually consider a polite request to the appropriate authorities, unless I am distracted by a great sale on funny hats."