These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Tag: lostintxtlation

Have you ever fucked? I have. But have you ever made love without cringing at the thought of some love infused, inflated hallmark bullshit moment of clarity, unobtainable in a society filled with euphemisms and broken promises of the next best thing, let alone even be able to mouth the words “make love” without throwing up in ones mouth slightly, while giggling? I have.

I laid in a bed and rested my arms on the pillow beside her head. My chest lightly resting on hers, my elbows folded and arms arms by her ears, hands around her head. My position not indicative of any motion other than perhaps a small tilt back and forth. Yet even after years of numbing internet porn and personal fetishes and kinks, I will never forget what it felt like… to not care about the foreplay, the outfit, the music, or the right motion for pleasing myself or her because in that moment, in that locked moment both physically and emotionally, with all the images I could have brought to mind or ability to ravish her body with my eyes, me leaning over her in what can only be described as the most classical girl/boy position, I met her for the first time all over again.

This was not the first time we had sex. It was by far not the last, but it was certainly the most memorable and amazing sex I ever experienced. It all happened in the eyes. We were locked so close to one another, able to kiss softly where I could lift my head just enough to make out her face in a photographic depth of field blur causing the sides of her face to melt into the bed sheets and her eyes to pierce mine. As if I were 40 feet away but the distance causing the perfect Bokah effect of our faces. I looked into her eyes and her into mine. The lights were on dimly, we didn’t close our eyes to match expectations or fears of not doing it by the book. Yet we were in an almost missionary position that could bring yawns to most couples faces if asked in passing how they like to fuck in passing on the street… an Elizabethan approach on love making these days, but because of it’s traditional positioning, the man on top, the girl underneath him, the weight being equally distributed by some defying physics, and the feeling of safety that came from the cocoon we created around each other, and our eyes became the dialogue. We stared at each other and I stayed inside her and her around me. We moved slightly but each time her eyes kept my gaze, every moment I knew she wasn’t going to look away, I became more aroused and more in love. My arms were around her causing an acoustical anomaly echoing every sound in this small world we had created, that could drown out the worst day, leaning in to kiss her neck and hearing my lips on her skin and her breath in my ear or her moan through the vibration of my lips…

She didn’t need a Disney princess and I didn’t need a modern day porn star. We just needed to know one anthers inflections of the eyes. And we spoke to one another with every single movement. We were pressed up against each other and our bodies did what came naturally, but our eyes gave us comfort, they gave us hope, they gave us a sense of calm. We would kiss, eyes wide open and then just rest on each other’s foreheads and stare. No motion changing the angle, no outside influence telling us what to do. We guided one another with our eyes and it became apparently clear in that moment what it truly meant to love someone and share it intimately.

I don’t believe in love at first site, I believe in attraction, pheromones, compatibility, likes, dislikes… In a world where we meet someone way before we “meet them” there are so many factors we can’t control: will we like their smell? Will we like their voice? Will our bodies fit in relation to one another? Personality and music taste is a characteristic not a predetermined part of us. We have so little control over so many of the big pieces of the dating puzzle, but when those pieces line up and we get to that moment where we are exposed and naked laying together, starring into each other’s eyes, allowing our breath in our chests to move our bodies, letting nature take over, if there is love, it is the most exotic, sensual love you can ever feel.

I can only hope everyone gets to that date or moment like I did. Mine didn’t last forever but I will never forget it and I will always remember it as if it is a bookmark of a chapter in a book I really must read again when I finally find the right book that is worth getting to the metaphorical end.

For now that book lays on my shelf and I eagerly await when I can read again but with all the experience and life under my belt to make the words new, the interpretations different, and the sensations unique to the person I say I love you too… again, but willingly, openly, and accepting of. I will allow my heart to break until I have to buy another book shelf to put the these moments on, if that means, eventually, I never have to read again.

Why is it that we find it necessary to carry on multiple relationships rather than taking our time with one. If you are interested in a person, then perhaps you should take the time from your life to enjoy that moment. Why multi task a pleasure filled activity such as human connection. While I understand the American attitude of productivity, I lose it with the idea that life can only give you so many apples at a time. What? Am I crazy? That made no sense. I should be multi tasking more then, taking on 4-10 girls or boys at a time to make sure the clock will continue to tick before I find out I am alone.

That fear is the drive that makes us take those apples and quickly shine them on our shirt, then take a bite. No time to taste, no time to inspect each side, no time to hear the noise as your teeth sink into the tough outer skin and into the soft juicy center, even crunching through the seeds which could give birth to another. Another life, another turn, another moment, another yearn. Your clock has already stopped you are just going to fast to hear the ticking stop. A simple rhyme to make the point, but this whole rant is still a bit disjoint.

Now what if you were to take that apple and eat every bite, but instead of licking your lips and be satisfied with the hunger you have filled… Take a moment, find the seeds, plant them outside, water them until they can blossom. Now as you watch it grow you can decide, “I think I am in the mood for an orange now”, or perhaps now that you can watch this small seed grow into the bright lustrous apple, shinning brightly on the outside and sweetly fragile on the inside, there is no need to change your taste. Some think you must taste it all to fulfill a lifetime, but is it realistic to acquire every taste only to find out the first was the best?

So if you mix a strawberry with a banana, you will taste the strawberry not he banana. If you mix a lemon with a lime you will not know which is sour and which is sweet. So all food aside, why not, instead of rushing to perfection, take a blind, exciting leap. But without your eyes shut, and with sturdy ground ahead, because you know, if the taste is not to your palette, you can always find another treat. Food may rot, and life grow old, but happiness is forever, don’t let go.

It isn’t that you cannot find love like that in a movie as over the top as the Notebook, it is just that is won’t play out like a movie, quickly and only those moments. So instead of being afraid of romance or using words like ‘cheesy’ when it happens, why not enjoy the moments as much as you can, because you never know when the next one will be. Not to mention the more you make someone feel stupid for thinking in a romantic way, the more numb they become to wanting or even thinking of doing it.

Don’t believe me? Ask your girlfriend the last time a guy did something super memorable or romantic for her. Maybe 1 out of 25 gets a romantic gesture. Girls seem to get how to do it a bit more but seem to do it less sporadically, more for special occasions like a birthday.

GUYS, all you have to do is listen to her when she talks. The smallest word out of her mouth incorporated into a moment can be the most romantic day of your life.

GIRLS, stop making fun of guys if they are romantic, because you are full of shit if you don’t like it a little bit. True there is such thing as too much, but until it is TOO MUCH, perhaps you should just enjoy it?

I suppose we have to fit roles. And if a girl sees you are romantic they automatically think you are THAT role. Wish people would look at each other like Trees. If you cut to the core, you will see the rings of life and understand there is much more than just the ONE ring you can see at that moment.

Why is txting so popular?

How many times when you get a text do you think to yourself, MAN I have to TYPE THIS OUT!?!? Or you get a frustration with trying to convey a one word answer by hitting numerous keys.

Well it seems if you feel this way you may be the odd man out.

Texting, AIM, Email, Facebook messages, Myspace, etc., these have all become a common place to talk to someone. It is no longer calling someone up on the phone to chat but through a mediator such as MySpace.

So what makes these forms of interaction so popular? I have a couple of theories.

For people trying to pick up one another, such as one would do at a bar, these forms of interaction make for a very safe environment.

Think of it if you may, as a book. You pick up a book and can interpret the writers words with whatever your imagination can dream up. There is a sense of magic here. You could even say in the case of meeting someone new, it has that sense of romanticism(movie romance) as you read into each word the other types and try to make it fit what you want, feel, ate for lunch.

But these books don’t end when you end the conversation for the night. These books keep living and breathing, having their own lives, with interaction, dreams, work, and so on. The next time you pick up the book the cover may have changed and the title altered, the pages may even be more worn than when you last picked it up. Thus is human nature for our day to day lives to take effect on our overall story, but to the person not physically in our lives the words still look the same as they did the night before and the everyday use not noticeable through the hard cover, perhaps we will call it the computer screen. So before you know it they are reading a book about vampires when they swore if they ever had anything to do with Sparkly Vampire books they would kill themselves.

Txts, aim, and email are like living a relationship as if it were a book, able to form your own opinions on who is on the other side. And who doesn’t dream big or disappoint huge. So perhaps we are making the other person out to be the villain or the antagonist. So let’s say finally we do meet face to face, will our children’s fairy tale like aspirations be too overwhelming for reality of the truth? We are all dreamers and words on a page leave a lot for us to dream for, good and bad. Is it similar to beauty as we see it through the eyes of Photoshop? Does it make us get further and further away from true love as we read deeper and deeper into the ease of manipulating our own minds by applying our own inflections and scenarios to what people type?

Have you ever been on the edge about buying something for yourself, but you go to the website and fill out all the info anyway, even as you debate it. As you finish up you are still on the fence, but you stare at the enter button. You drag your mouse over it, and without a second thought you CLICK, because you cannot take it back. And at that point all that is left is just to convince yourself that it was a good choice. The same can apply to conversations, especially in a place like AIM. During a conversation where there is no instant repercussions it is easier to say “I love you” or “You bitch” or anything between the lines, because all you have to do is hit enter. You don’t have to worry about seeing their face, or them seeing yours.

Which leads me to the idea of “second chances”.

These forms of interaction give you a chance to say or hear it first, take a moment, analyze the situation and form the right answer, not YOUR answer. You essentially are able to look through the deck and “Play the right card”. Oh and if you guessed wrong and the house had an ace you can twist your words, “Oh I totally meant that in a sarcastic tone” “Oh I’m sorry I meant that as a joke I have a dry sense of humor”. It is easier to let go of what someone says as a misinterpretation or wait till they type something you like to hold onto versus the things that would send up red flags if you heard it in their voice. With text and conversation held in text you can literally count up the things you like and do not like. You can erase the moments that didn’t fancy your palette. Problem is, because you don’t know how jazzed they were on the other side, you once again are forming opinions about how they feel about things through how you feel. Weighing their amount of interest in something by your own.

So who is it that you are talking to on the other side? Is it perhaps just a version of yourself? Does the anonymity and lack of inflection allow for your to read their words as that dream person or perhaps in your own voice?

Is this a great way for people who may not like face to face conversation to interact?Or could it be, we are working against our own aspirations through the rudimentary idea that we sit in class at age 12 and analyze other’s work, such as poetry and literature, and through these actions we form opinions. But when the other person is alive and breathing on the other end to explain where as a dead poet would scream from the grave to be able to explain the truth.

I suppose time will show more on this one. But if we continue to move further and further from interaction and more into twitter spheres where you must be followed to be popular but you need to follow first to be followed making your ability to read your followed less and less, you might as well just not talk at all.

Perhaps the generations will just skip me, and I will be lost in the archaic idea of feeling by being close to the other person. Perhaps I will be a character from “Demolition man” and be shunned for trying to talk vs sending a txt or in their case touching during sex, vs virtually fantasizing about it. Funny part is, they predicted Arnold would be governor in that movie, so who is to say they are that off on the idea of interactions.

It scares me because people do tend, myself included, to choose the path which is least intrusive on our lives, quirks, fears, but do more people than just me feel that burning desire to meet in person and frustration caused by countless txts leading to no next step. I like to move forward, and these types of interactions don’t have a very planned path, because we can leave them with whatever excuse fits us for the day, “tired” “work early” gonna grab some food” etc etc. But what truth is in it all?

I believe working on love as a conscious effort is just as important as “the instant” love. I mean if we can work on bettering ourselves, or even work at a job we love, why can’t we also work on love. Isn’t Love Money Fame and Happiness some of the top things people want? So We work towards all the others, why not love too, it is just as important.

So as I reminisce to those moments in high school that I hated. Ya know anytime in high school. lol Ok so I have been thinking of those simple nights in which I sat there with a girl in my arms. We would kiss, we would talk about very little, hardly scratch the surface of each other’s lives, as there was little surface to scratch back then. Yet we would be content. Regardless of the drama caused by all the world around us, we managed to live it up and enjoy each moment, even enjoy a small amount of cat and mouse.

So Ok I don’t want to go back there or waste time with the cat and mouse style games anymore, but part of me wants to incorporate some of the antics back into my life. By this I mean the innocence of it all. The long months where all we needed was the kiss into the late night hours, the dances when we dressed up and went to an unfamiliar place, a drive to no where, a moment when our parents would leave and I would sit you up on the counter and stand in between your legs just thinking about you in my life. Playing with your hair for hours, rubbing my fingers down your arms as you nestled into my chest. The idea that, I was a virgin and so were you, and there was no pressure to do anything but enjoy the simpler aspects of the relationship.

Now imagine incorporating this into a relationship now as we get older. You get the same floating feeling but instead of only scratching the surface you gain an insight to the other person with the time spent. And the idea here is that even if you have the urge to go further into non virgin territory, you hold your ground for as long as you can, and then you keep a lively relationship up to learn as much as possible before you are driven with the other brain.

Imagine, now in our lives, we live on our own, we pay our bills, we are free to do like we always hoped for when in our puppy dog love so many years ago. So letâ€™s fall into each others eyes, head over heels, but keep in mind past experiences so we can catch each other during the fall and not get swept away with false pretense emotions or the idea of love(Ever fall in love with love? I have..).

Sure there are things to do other than sex to keep the tensions down lol, but the point here is that I am going to base my future relationships on this idea, that perhaps the scariest thing in a relationship is to have sex. Why do you think there are condoms, so we do not have children before we are ready. Well why even have to worry about this? Or why even be pressured? When I was younger sex wasn’t even an idea, I was excited enough if you ate some ice cream then kissed me. A simple sensation made extra receptive through that innocence and plain young love/emotion.

Yes I believe whole-heartedly that if you are not sexually compatible it can hinder your true relationships progression. But who is to say you cannot figure out how sexually compatible you are through falling in love before you begin it? What if the simple feeling of love creates compatibility for such an act? Why even use such a strong word as love, what about simple COMFORT with one another?

You can stay in my house leaving a light on when I see when I get home. You can come home knowing I will still look at you with a gleam in my eyes, but this time we are free to be who we were those many years ago, without the infinite odds against us and hormones raging out of control. And even without curfew it gives us a new reason to figure out small things to make the time spent interesting such as: how to sneak in that one last kiss before bedtime.

We will see where it gets me.

Wish people would look at each other like Trees. If you cut to the core, you will see the rings of life and understand there is much more than just the ONE ring you can see at that moment.

Me 🙂

About Me

My name is Tristan and I am a photographer/director and hopeful romantic. I am here sharing my writing, a journal entry to myself with the intent of others reading it. I talk in a very open stream of consciousness. Feel free to get lost.