Slacker & Steve's Blog

GMD: Divorce for the Kids

by Slacker And Steve,posted May 8 2014 3:32PM

Yi!
Dan and Caroline are married with two young kids but recently realized they’re not in love anymore. They think they’re better roommates than spouses. Dan wants to get a divorce now before the kids get older and have more emotional trauma. Caroline wants a divorce as well but she wants to wait until the kids get older so that they’ll have memories of their mom and dad together. She wants them to know they had both a mom and dad that loved them not a separated mom and dad.

Slacker thinks it’s a hard argument. It’s either get a divorce when the kids don’t even understand what it means but if they wait it’s like they were messing with the kids the whole time and faking a marriage. He thinks it’d be almost wrong and unfair to everyone to continue a marriage no one is into, just for the sake of the kids.

Steve likes Dan’s idea because it provides the kids with two birthdays, and Christmases, and holidays. He wonders if they’d still have relations if they stuck to Caroline’s idea and wait a little. He thinks it’s a tough situation but it would probably be less painful for everyone to get a divorce now.

Should they wait to get a divorce or do it now?

I’m not a fan of divorce so I think they should go along with Caroline’s idea while trying to mend their marriage. I think it’d be possible for them to stay together and fall in love with each other again. That may be dreaming big, but it could work.

I want to say that, as a mother, I understand Caroline's position of wanting to put the children first. It is very typical. But I would take Dan's side on this dilemma.
Here is why.
I am currently engaged to a man who was in a similar predicament.
He and his wife were married for thirteen years, even though both felt like they were better friends than lovers.
They had a four year old son (at the time) when his wife finally realized that she was not in love with him. In fact, she was curious about relationships with other people, which I know because I was her friend first. They talked about it and realized that neither of them wanted to be married to each other. (At the time, I was encouraging her to work it out with him.)
Not long after that talk she fell in love with another person, and they moved in together. The parents split custody 50 / 50. Their son loves different houses anyway, and he was excited about the idea of going to Mommy's and Daddy's. There was certainly a period of adjustment for everyone, but now that their son is six, those days are long behind us.
His ex wife was in love. This was a love like she had never known, and they were soon engaged.
Not long after that, he and I got involved. It was never planned. It just happened. We were perfectly happy before-hand.
We too are in love and engaged. Just yesterday he told me that before me it was if he had never loved before. I can state without a doubt that I have never loved anyone like I do him, nor have I been loved by anyone like he loves me.
Also, I want to stress that OF COURSE there were conflicts that we have all had to grow through. The benefits far outweigh the problems.
I have an only daughter, and it has been great for their son and my daughter to become playmates and learn to share. Not only that, their son has autism, and my daughter (being two years older) has provided him with a social reference point that was awkward for him before. She gave him the scaffolding and protection of a big sister, and it has been really good for both of them.
Our situation obviously turned out pretty well, and I don't want to imply that Dan and Caroline will have similar luck. Staying together will put undue pressure on both of them, which the children will also feel. He may resent the situation, and she may as well.
If a break up is inevitable, do it now.