Military Mom Of Ungrateful, Whiny Kids Relieved To Be Deployed For The Holidays

KUWAIT — Air Force Capt. Ashley Davenport is hiding a secret: She’s looking forward to being deployed for the holidays.

“Being away from Connor and Emma used to be one of the hardest parts of the deployment for me,” said Davenport. “Then they outgrew the cute phase.”

“This year, when the greedy little brats demand expensive crap to add to their overstuffed playroom of junk they never use, I can hand the endless shopping, wrapping and returns over to my husband.”

As Thanksgiving approaches, Davenport is looking forward to a break. This year she will not be spending days baking pies and waking up at 4 a.m. to stuff a turkey which her children will dismiss as “too salty” or stewing homemade cranberry sauce which her children will call “weird” before asking for pop tarts.

Duffel Blog has learned that Davenport plans to sleep in until 11 a.m. and then eat a fully prepared meal in the company of friends.

“I don’t really care what KBR serves us, or if I have to work that day,” said Davenport. “All I care is that I get to eat an entire meal without someone screaming at me to put ketchup on it.”

The time difference makes it “wonderfully difficult” to answer phone calls from relatives she doesn’t want to talk to, she adds.

Davenport was reluctant to express her real feelings during a recent Skype session with her husband and kids.

“Missing your school holiday program makes Mommy very sad,” said Davenport, who was not sad at all to avoid having to figure out how to make a dreidel costume or bake five dozen allergen-sensitive, culturally-diverse cupcakes for her children.

Davenport has told Duffel Blog sources she’s been looking forward to only have to focus on being a deployed Air Force Officer during the weeks from Thanksgiving to Christmas. In fact, Davenport was seen eating KBR ice cream for breakfast anyway, just because her kids weren’t around to see her do it.

“Yeah, Mommy is really going to be sad to be away from you guys. Maybe you should send her a care package full of stuff to pamper herself with or maybe even some nice jewelry to cheer her up!”

Davenport then started playing a movie that she selected because she wanted to see it, which contained zero cartoon characters or car chases before drifting off to eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

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BlondesOverBaghdad always lets someone else have the top block, because that's the selfless service thing to do. She'll go to Ranger School as soon as there's a 2-beer per day policy. @BlondsOvrBaghd on Twitter.