(I work in a popular party store, and we sell balloons. We sell them by the package, and individually if you would like to have them inflated. I am working the front counter when a customer walks out from the aisle.)

Customer: “Are these balloons helium free?” *proceeds to hold up a package of latex balloons that were not inflated*

(On my first day working in a video game store, I hear loud, drunken rambling outside. I go out to find an extremely irate man screaming and pointing at one of the other employee’s cars. I ask what the problem is.)

Me: “Dude. What’s the deal, man?”

Customer: “This f***** parked his car over the line!”

(The employee, who happens to be female, has parked her car — a large range rover — with one of the front tires barely over the line.)

Me: “Listen. I’m going to have to ask you to stop screaming and swearing out here, all right? This is a small town and people get scared by that kind of stuff.”

Customer: “I’m from f***ing De Moines! I’ve seen scarier s*** every f***ing morning!”

(I work at a popular store as a stock boy. One weekend in particular, our store is having a huge sale on some special lamps; it is even in the flyer. All weekend, I am constantly stocking the shelves with more and more lamps, as they are just flying off the shelves. Before we even start putting them on display, my manager asks me to cut open a box, plug the lamp in, and display it neatly to show the customers what it looks like when it’s properly modeled at home. Eventually, we run out of lamps and only have one lonely lamp sitting on the shelf, waiting to be bought. I happen to walk past the display on my way to my break and customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Yes? How can I help you?”

Customer: “Can you please open this box—” *points to the lamp in the box* “—so I can see what it looks like?”

Me: “Actually—” *I point to the lamp on display* “—that one right there on display, all plugged in and set up, is pretty much what it looks like.”

Customer:*very rudely and loud* “Yes, I can see that, but I want to see what this lamp looks like!”

Me: “It’s the same lamp, ma’am. It looks exactly the same.”

Customer: “I don’t care! I want to see what this lamp looks like!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, it’s just that we’re not allowed to open up our boxes; we can get in a lot of trouble, actually.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***! I refuse to buy something without seeing it first and without knowing what it looks like! I saw it in the flyer and I want it! Open it!“

(I leave to get my manager and we come back about two minutes later. My manager begins to tell her that we cannot open boxes because it’s part of policy. After much back-and-forth bickering, my manager finally lets me cut the box open to shut her up.)

Customer: “Was that so hard?!” *inspects it thoroughly* “Okay, I will take it. But do you have any more in the back?”

Me: “No, ma’am, this is our last one.”

Customer:*looking like she’s ready to commit murder, gets even angrier and louder* “I DON’T WANT TO BUY AN OPENED ONE!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s opened because I opened it for you!”

Customer: “I don’t care! I’m not buying opened merchandise!”

Manager: “We’re awfully sorry, ma’am, but it’s the last one.”

Customer: “Can I at least get a discount? This item is now technically considered ‘used,’ and I refuse to pay full price for ‘used’ items.”

Manager: “Ma’am, we can’t do that.”

Customer: “But you have to! If you’re selling something that’s been opened, you have to sell it for a discounted price! I’m not stupid!”

Manager: “Can’t do that, ma’am; I’m sorry.”

Customer: “I’m leaving! This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever encountered in my life!”

(I live in Germany. We have a loyal customer base who always come to us when their American-made motorcycles have any kind of trouble. Some of them think we are omnipotent and can solve any problem over the phone.)

Customer: “My bike is making some strange noise.”

Me: “What kind of noise?”

(Usually I would expect a description of the sound and the general area it comes from on the bike. Instead, I hear the bike start up and the customer revving the engine several times while holding the phone close to it.)

Customer: “Now you heard it. What do you think is wrong?”

(I had to patiently explain that I need to have the bike in the shop to check it out instead of giving him a diagnosis over the phone.)