First Sergeant Relieved For Not Being Enough Of A Dick

TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — 1st Sgt. Martin Blunt has been relieved by his command for failing to keep his rifle company properly demoralized, as he refused a direct order to be a raging cock at all times, Duffel Blog has learned.

Blunt, the company first sergeant for Echo Co, 2nd Battalion, 7th Marines, was removed from his position after his battalion command lost confidence in his ability to maintain a toxic climate within his company.

“It’s like he was trying to undermine the entire command,” said Battalion Sgt. Maj. Jim Richard. “I’ve never once seen him publicly humiliate a Marine for walking on the grass or anything. I mean, why does he think we do this job?”

“I knew I had a problem on my hands when he recommended leave for a Marine and it wasn’t during one of the command approved Christmas leave blocks,” said Blunt’s company commander, Capt. Armando Verga. “What kind of leader allows Marines to go on leave outside the leave block? Next thing you know Marines will want to attend their sister’s summer wedding or their nephew’s bris or something. We need to stress to our Marines their families need to schedule that crap during the leave block.”

“Every time he advised a Marine of their Article 31 rights, he sent them to legal. Every friggin’ time,” Peck said. “How the hell are we supposed to ramrod Marines into volunteering to throw away their rank and half a month’s pay if they get actual legal advice from the SJA?”

Blunt’s peers were dumbfounded at what they perceived as radical behavior from a fellow leader.

“He once approved special liberty for a lance corporal to take his pregnant wife to her doctor’s appointment,” said 1st Sgt. Walt Johnson. “We’ll never keep the divorce rate up by letting them do things like that.”

“Whenever I see his company formed up he’s right there among them talking and passing the word,” said 1st Sgt. Ricardo Shaft. “The rest of us ensure our companies stand around in formation for at least an hour before we even make an appearance. As a matter of fact, I keep my M9 pistol checked out all evening just to screw up the site count so no one can go home.”

The Marines of Echo Company have been equally disconcerted by their first sergeant’s professional conduct. Accusations include taking an interest in their off-duty activities and personal lives.

“It was kind of creepy,” said a Marine lance corporal who wished to remain anonymous. “He would come by the barracks during off duty hours to see what we were up to. He’d ask about our families and when the last time we talked to our parents was. I got so uncomfortable I just ran down to the parking lot and started picking up cigarette butts.”

Another lance corporal related an incident while he was standing duty as the assistant to the duty NCO at the barracks. One Saturday night, Blunt toured the barracks and came upon the lance corporal standing post. No one had ever taught the Marine how to report his post or required him to.

“I totally messed it up when he came around,” said the Marine, who noted that he was braced for the inevitable tongue lashing. “But instead of ripping my arms off he taught me how to report and stuck around until I got it right. I haven’t had my ass chewed on duty since then. Crazy, right?”

“He’s given Marines the impression he actually cares about their welfare and that’s just all kinds of wrong,” said Lt. Col. William Knobb, the battalion commander. “If the troops actually thought we cared about them it would just open the doors to anarchy and a host of other issues.”

At press time, Blunt had been assigned to work at the base gym. He says it’s the best job he’s ever had in the Corps.