Sunday, January 10

Body: Slept in til nearly 7 - thanks, Hanky! Body felt okay, not as amazing as last week, but my basement lifting was pretty damned solid. Left hip flexor did NOT like squats unless I kept them shallow, so I did. Shoulder tolerated everything, didn't seem worse. Deadlifted what I had wanted to do on Thursday, and it didn't even feel as good as that day had felt, yet the left hamstring acted exactly like the right one, NBD. #WINNING! Followed that with eating big and napping with the kittehs.

Brain: Happy to sleep in. Happy day o' chores, happy lifting, happy not to leave the house into the redonk cold, happy to nap. Finished my Nick Offerman audiobook (dude is the BEST) and am now relistening to DeeLaPee, since my BB talk left me realizing I had first listened while in a very bad mental place (Boston training) and now it might feel like a whole 'nother book. Worth the time, anyway. What I got better to do while lifting, doing chores, or driving? Nada!

Looking at the past week: it was so nice to get back into a routine. My life is awesome, not dreadful, and although the 4-day weekends were lovely, so are 2-day ones. Unfortunately, I'm at 1-day weekends for 15 weeks - but this one was fine. I didn't have piles of tax work with looming deadlines (ha: my fingers automatically typed "deadlifts"!), so I skedaddled early each day: to finish dad's work, to play with Hanky & Heidi, and to just fucking veg - because I listened to what I needed. I didn't move as much as I wanted to, but I moved as much as I needed to. And I read so much more than I needed to!

My core desired feelings were most evident: during girl-talk with Heidi about being authentic, being honest with yourself about how much to take on, the dangers of comparing yourself to others, and forgiving yourself for your lack of perfection. Everything I said felt like such a no-brainer to me, but it all seemed mostly new to her. I need to talk more like I write. Be generous with my words.

The highlights were: running with my pooch and my Heidi, feeling amazingly strong on Thursday, and supper with my BB.

The low point was: feeling completely MEH about life on Thursday morning, at my favorite place - and not being entirely sure what caused it, thus how to prevent it.

I am frustrated/dissatisfied with: the resentment I sometimes feel when no one seems to notice my extra effort. I'm not doing it for them, I'm doing it for me. And I obviously notice. And that should be enough. Always.

I want to change: my internal dialogue. Instead of the usual cunt who berates everything I think, say, or do, I'm trying to combat her with the voice of a movie's stereotypical old black grandma who speaks with love & forgiveness, but sharply cuts through the bullshit, right to what's really important. (Most of her sentences would start with "GIRRRRL...") I think, given enough time, she might help me kill that awful cunt, and bury the body. In all seriousness, it's a habit to use the cunt voice, and I'd like to make it a new a habit to use the grandma voice. Be generous with my self.

I was most grateful for: Hubs. Heidi. My BB.

I learned: the importance of appreciating whatever lift the body likes best right now, today, at this moment. Forget the plan and prior expectations; they are irrelevant. (I will repeatedly need to learn this, I'm sure.)

About Me

And every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling, "This is important! And this is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!"
And each day, it's up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, "No. This is what's important."
--Iain Thomas